[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you just bring one of those with you. It becomes a natural. And then you go, you keep looking at it. I didn't know I was wearing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, also before we transition, uhm, having a lot of fun with spam texts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been doing this for, uh, like about a month now. Anytime I get a spam text or a wrong number text, I just reply, this is Ambassador Cartwright. And it has been really great. Uhm, a lot of no responses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, and uhm, I just say that, like, I don't know who the hell that was meant for, but if you page to the right there,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, see, Facebook, yep, this is Ambassador Cartwright, no response. See right here, good evening, Jerry. This is Ambassador Cartwright. Oh, I think I'm sorry to bother you, please forgive me. It just, it, immediately they gave respect to the Ambassador, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How dare you, right here, Diane, too severe, I can't attend your wedding. I said, you know, I was supposed to tell you this isn't, uh, you know, and then Diane, oh, you're, I entered the wrong number, sorry. I go, I'm not, it's okay. And then they wrote, it's good to know each other in this situation. How should I address you as? Really crazy. So I said, ambassador Carr, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yesterday, what did I get? Oh, it said, Guyermina, California is facing big choices. Will you share thoughts in this five minute survey? And I wrote, this is Ambassador Cartwright. And they wrote, thank you for your response. We're getting a huge volume of messages. So our team will review them and get back to you as soon as possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then yesterday, uh, Brian Simpson, um, texted me, which is so great, made me laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wrote, uh, this, this should really fuck, this shit really fucking works. Uhm, somebody texted him, long time to see you, you know, my friend. He goes, who gave you my number? He says, hi, Helen, it's Joanna. This is my new number, how are you? And he wrote, this is Ambassador Cartwright. Perfect. So, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's going to be hearing from Ambassador Cartwright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm. Our guest is here. Our guest is here, let's take a quick break, and we'll be right back in 2 and 2.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If saving more and spending less is one of your top goals for 2022, why are you still paying insane amounts of money every month for wireless? Switching to Mint Mobile is the easiest way to save this year. As the first company to sell premium wireless service online only, Mint Mobile lets you maximize your savings


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plan starting at just $15 a month. We have guys on staff here who rave about Mint Mobile and the little amount they pay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to mintmobile.com slash mom. That's mintmobile.com slash mom. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, welcome back. We're here with our guest, one of the best comedians working today. It's the great Jeff Tate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you do. I wasn't saying you didn't. So, uh, thanks for coming by. Appreciate it. Oh, it's my pleasure. Um, good to see you as always. We've done a bunch of, uh, bunch of tour dates over the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Montana's right there. It's already right there. Let's see if you can guess this one. Slut Lake City. Oh, I'm coming up. Is that overseas? Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When was the last time we saw like some, like a good war, you know? Like, that didn't involve us? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That didn't involve us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those were great. Those European ones, they know how to do it man. They know what, there's a bunch of hotheads over there though. So we'll see, we'll see what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even know. Yeah, they, they, uhm, I found out after the Superbowl. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, didn't you, because we were talking about this, didn't you at one point, did you ever think that they were a big deal to catch them? The Olympics? Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. And the Winter Olympics even, where Winter Olympics aren't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously massive everywhere in the U.S., but I feel like there were a number of years where winter looks came on and we were all like pretty invested in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're right. We need a better, I don't know, but also, I mean, I saw that this was Sean White's last Olympics, but I don't feel, and people used to like get really, I feel like it didn't really get that much traction. Like the people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody wants to see a 38 year old snowboarder. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My whole life and then I hit this pole and I'm. Oh we saw that. Oh that was, that was here. The guy skiing and did the flip and he like broke both legs. That was great. Uhm, but that wasn't in the Olympics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes! Yeah, was that a skateboard? Yeah, a skateboard. Yeah. And then he walked off and then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit, man. By the way, did you ever, because you haven't been with us in a while, right? When was the last time you sat in? It was, uhm, a few years ago. 17, 18 something. Okay. Have you ever seen this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That doesn't look like that. He's uh, he's also put out, there's multiple videos. Of this guy? Oh, oh, oh, he just got home from work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's also like, I don't know how most.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who had that too, that it was always so annoying, is Trump. Trump wore, he wears a tiny little tight watch and it's small.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's this, this file is called Possible Ward on Dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not going to get hard until I'm ready to come. So that means it's just like, when are you going to get hard? In the last second?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if the watch was the whole fucking... It's on the hand he's using and maybe that's part of it. This hand's been asleep for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time to get back out there, but if you're not quite ready for a full-blown adventure, there's still ways to explore the world from the comfort of your home. With DoorDash, you don't need to travel far to experience something new. What do you want right now? You want sushi? You want pizza? You want a pretzel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get all of it, along with the restaurants you love. You can now get groceries and other essential items delivered with DoorDash. Get drinks, snacks, deodorant, paper towels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever you want in under an hour, you're craving late night ice cream. You forget that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a limited time our listeners can get 25% off with zero delivery fees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 25% off, up to a $10 value, and zero delivery fees when you first order when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter the code YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Y-M-H. Don't forget that's code Y-M-H for 25% off your first order with DoorDash. Subject to change. Terms apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just your tits. Yeah. Their tits would be pretty embarrassing. Yeah, the tit legacy would be terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I think people would view the video more than they view my other content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw this thing too and I was like, uh, I wish, I wish that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, Jeff Tate, could be on this flight. Cause I would love to see you on this flight with this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, uh, none of that. I've seen like two people get kicked off flights. Really? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Not COVID, uh, related. Oh, like pre-COVID? Yeah, pre-COVID. Wow, you really had to fuck around and get kicked off back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disrespect or disobey a flight attendant before takeoff. They're just like, nope, you're not coming. And that's what it was both times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you never, people get on, sometimes people get on that shit ready, like fired up, you know? Yeah, they're angry about something else. One time I, this guy didn't get kicked off, but I remember boarding a flight with a big dude, and he was directing people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like on the jet bridge, he was like, stand to the right. What are you doing? And he was huge. And everybody was like, I was like, this dude is going to take over this flight if he feels like it. He was like, move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The person that uh, the person that pretends to be lost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen the, I've seen the gate agent be like, we didn't call your zone. You go back. And you're like, that's good. Very nice. Yeah, very nice. Because with their game, cause sometimes they'll just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They let them on. Yeah. But this guy, yeah, this guy would have been the best gate agent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if he's that big, he, it's too big, like the aisles are too narrow to hire properly sized, you know, bouncers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he can't, uh, he just has to stand at the gate. He's a gate agent only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And our air marshals, they're not on every flight, right? But they're on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never know. But I've seen them bored also because they're obvious sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because uhm, I saw a guy just wearing real, you know, like, cargo pants, flannel, t-shirt, and he just talked to the gate agent, and then you could see the little hip bulge, and then they're like, go ahead, you're just watching him board, you're like, oh, that's the guy, that's how they're marching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Cincinnati, the DEA, if you buy your ticket too soon to when you leave, the DEA will be at the gate and search your bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, wait, what's going on? Because every time I've flown in and out of Cincinnati, there's always, um, dressed down, like, law enforcement at gates. What are they doing there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both disembark, like getting off the plane at Sea Beach in Cincinnati, or boarding, where you'll see people dressed like us, like six dudes at the gate, and you're like, oh, these are like U.S. Marshals coming to pick somebody up again. And they eyeball everybody, coming on and off, and they, I've seen them pick randoms. I'm like, it seems like they're there to get somebody. Yeah. But they do it out of that airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that what the cool guy? Yea, yea. Yea. I mean he's even cooler now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Conversational tone now. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You kinda don't. I mean you do, but. This is for off air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Further from the city. Oh, you mean, what's it called, Township? Yeah, yeah. Oh, so that replaced Newport? I didn't realize that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Newport was wild. That was a wild place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, so gross. I saw, uh, that Northern California gig I did, I don't know, a million years ago, where a person had vomited, uh, on the table. They had like fold out tables, and then put their head down on the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were like, we gotta turn, like, you gotta, we gotta turn the show over because they're about to turn it into a dance floor. I was like, I got it. Time to wrap up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an infuriating memory. There wasn't enough crab legs to wake her back up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there also was like, there were incidents the whole weekend I was there with audience, you know? Like, uh, the middle had somebody with somebody, I had an incident with somebody and they were like, I was like, throw their ass out dude, throw them out. And they were like, they're buying fucking crab legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good point. Like for all the young comics watching, you definitely want to do that because you're going to want to eat too. And that's the only thing you get to do there is eat. You don't get to watch the show. I mean, they also said they were like, you know, you don't think we're going to like, we don't care what you do up there. They don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then it's just, it's good on the go food. You know what? We'll try it. We'll try it this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, time to play some TikToks. Thank god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I feel like, I feel like he doesn't know the word quiet. Yeaah, quiet's not good. But he did do that very efficiently and effectively. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. If you take a sledgehammer to the doorknob, you don't have to do this shit quietly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's making designs. Oh, is he? I like when it was all smooth. I thought it, I thought- Weather spacing. Oh, okay, so when it, cause it expands and contracts in the heat and the cold. Perhaps. Ohhh. What happens if you don't do that? It breaks. Cracks? Oh, it'll crack?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he didn't look at the phone, which was odd. When he turned around, he, the phone, he didn't look at the camera. Right. You know? Like his eyes never drifted towards the camera, which is unusual. Usually people lock in on that. So you think he's a, you think he's an Uber driver? Yeah. I think he's a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're at the hospital. I wonder what happened right before this. How do you get him this upset? Is he like, do you see his sunglasses? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it? Yeah, that's definitely a tumor. They didn't just eat a lot of spinach?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I saw, I saw one, a TikTok. Were you on? No, you weren't on the bus with that. Uh, a guy doing curls with the full barbell and both biceps tear at the same time. Oh my God. Yeah. They go, it looks like little squirrels are in there. It's pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I don't do that. That's why you don't do that, yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To inferior to everything or inferior to old Apple these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotten worse. Oh it has? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're the kind of the worst of that whole, of their competitors, right? Yeah. I can't believe that fucking song is real. What's the song? The Applebee's Date Night song is a, uh, do you guys know Applebee's Date Night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But country folks, I mean, come on man. Yeaah. They're embarrassing. They walk around, not getting, not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even worse than just dirt, old dirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was gnarly. Uhm, this was a lot of fun, Jeff. Yeah. Thanks for coming by. You're so funny, Jeff. Thanks for having me. LOL'd so hard. Yeah. My head hurts. Tomorrow we'll do our push-up contest. Yeah, yeah. We'll report. Try to get our muscles as big like that last one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check them out. We'll be on tour together. You might see us if you're coming to one of 280 shows left on the tour. And, uh, check out ChristinaPonline.com for tickets to your show. Got it. Here's the closing song. It's Alpha Advice by Wave Kings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It demands response. Exactly, and it kinda determines how the rest of this conversation is gonna go. It's like, this is what this DM is, are you in or are you out? In conclusion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, jeez, I don't know what to compare it to. It's, uh, I mean, not that. Not that. You smell this? Yeah, I smell that. Yeah, it's not this, right? It's flowers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Female video gamer, xbox video gamer, likes to listen to music, all kinds of music except classical like Mozart and Bach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm looking for a nurse cause I got a lot of medical issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She drove three hours to come and see me again for me to take care of her feet. If you pay close attention to the texture of her big toenail, you can see the new growth at the back of the nail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is very clear and about a third of the way up you can see the discoloration. Here I'm trimming off the free edge with the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If some of you don't know who I am, my name is Lori Halloway and I am a licensed nail technician in Michigan, also known as


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The meticulous manicurist and grown sidewall cleaner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The previous pedicure before pictures with an after picture of this one, so stay tuned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. Go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit and you get $200 off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did we come up with that URL? Because when I was talking to some of the people at Saatva, I said, we love your products, they're the shit. And then they said, how about making that your URL? Works for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is totally worth it. They make incredible products, environmentally friendly, luxury items, and they pass on incredible savings to you because they don't have storefronts, they don't have to pay commissions to salespeople, they don't have to pay the utilities from running that store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's online only, but it is, I'm telling you, incredible. We've been sleeping on their mattresses for a decade. We've tried them all. The luxury firm mattress, the Lumenleaf, the Solair, they're all incredible. You will not be disappointed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to SATVA, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit. Get $200 off any mattress of your choice. What it do, dog?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That anybody in the British royal family that's in their 80s or 90s would be racist. I just don't buy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, before we go too much further, this is a very exciting month because this month


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are recording Touch My Camera Through the Fence for Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so yea, absolutely. Uhm, and also right after you shoot the special, you'll be here in Austin, Tejas, uh, February 2nd and 16th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, February 25th through, uh, 26th, you'll be in Miami at the improv there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can see Christine there and then March 4th and 5th in Tampa. You should definitely, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So get tickets at Christina P online. There's other shows coming up, uh, in May.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So definitely, you can get tickets at Christina P Online. Uhm, I will be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and yeaah, if you want to see me on tour, I'm at TomSkaR.com slash tour, and there's a whole bunch of dates. I'm doing a big Texas run this month, so if you want to come see me, I think there's tickets available to the Late Show in Grand Prairie, which is just outside of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] F the haters, and uhm, yeaah, there's, there's a lot to get into, you wanna just, uh, just wanna fuckin' do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can make the adjustment. Do you wanna make the adjustment? Yeaah. Okay, can somebody help make the adjustment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This didn't immediately make you think of a family member of mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a, not an immediate member. An extended family member. You don't have to say their name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know this might sound silly, do you think she's tried all the things to try?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if it's 28 years, she's probably not, it's not probably from trimming, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pussy hairs when she was in third grade. My pussy keeps it itching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get it too, like in our balls, you know? Yea. We get itchy balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they're above it, I don't think they belong in Mensa. I mean, it's not like itchy balls and coochies are not something that most of the public has to deal with. This is a real issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, I mean, it's not just the heat. Sometimes it's, sometimes, you know, it could be that you trimmed something that's grown back. Sometimes it is like, you know, a sweaty day or you exercise. Sometimes it's a fucking mystery and you just don't know. You know, you just get like, and you, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the thing is about your, your ball, like sometimes it's like the crease, but sometimes it's your actual scrotum and you have to pinch it and roll it. Oh, it's so hard. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jockich is a real thing. Jockich is usually in the crease.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, you'll scratch and scratch and you can see like, you'll irritate it. I feel like it happened more for me like in middle school or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, there you go, moisture. Is that what you use native? People put powder there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's actually sound advice. When you do actually have the jock itch though, they put that, there's that spray, you know, and you put that spray on there and it's like, it's like a burn, but then cold sensation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel for her. So do I. If you have, everybody knows what it's like to have an itch, but for her it sounds like it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A real itchy crotch has got to be just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would think it's probably not likely. I don't know. I don't know if it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they can't survive. It is essentially impossible. So, maybe it's possible, but it really is. You're probably in like the .1, .001, you know? Fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just thought, you know, I thought it was kind of worth sharing. Yeah. That sometimes when something's really funny, it's also kind of sad. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh. Oh yeah. I got a little treat for, uh, Patty O'Callaghan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're welcome. And there's more of that where it came out of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of positive, I might be the most positive guy on the Instagram. A few weeks ago I started this thing that I've continued to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, well, I was going through my closet and I just have way too much stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I feel like it doesn't matter what I pull out of there. It's like it keeps growing stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I usually give, uhm, the clothes that I have to, like, our nanny, because she has, uhm, sons, and I'm like, here you go, you know, and she just takes it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was out of town, so I was like, oh, what I'll do, maybe I'll drop it off. And then I was like, I know what I could do. I could give it to, like, fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, and I wanted to make room, it's just, it's overwhelming. I get anxiety.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too much stuff. It's like falling off of shelves and shit, you know? So I was like, I just need to get rid of stuff. That first night I got rid, uh, I took out...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six or seven jackets, probably 25 t-shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, three other shirt, like it's just, and, and then like six, seven pairs of pants. Maybe more. And what I did was I gave, I put some aside to give to Nanny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I put some, uh, I reached out where I put posts, I was like, hey, you know, fans, you know, you're fucking, be poor. If you're poor, I'll give you this. I, I didn't want to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But nice stuff! I mean, like, some All Saints shirts, uh, a Saks Fifth Avenue jacket, uh, a Hugo Boss jacket, a Burberry jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a tough job and no means to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never said that. I never said that. I only called you poor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only asked for the poorest to reach out. Now I did throw in, hey, if you're fat and poor, that helps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because what happened was I had some stuff that I was like, it's way too big on me. Right. So I'm like, if it's too big on me, it's definitely for a fat person. And then I'd like it to be for a fat, poor person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's ending with me literally sending them. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been gathering this stuff because I keep adding stuff. Like even, uh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I feel like the new stuff is getting worn. You know, the stuff that I've had, I'm like, oh, that's there. That's mine. Move that to the side. And then you just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Yeah, it's like the new stuff, you're like, I like this new thing. And then that stuff that, you know, it's from, like, whatever. It could be even six months ago, but I'm not wearing it. I should just take it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know it's like, but sometimes like, I did the most progress the first two nights when I did that in the closet. Normally I'll be like, man, there's just too much stuff in here and I'll grab it. I don't know. And I just walk out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it helped me actually to do it on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it made me accountable to actually- To do it. To act. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether it's saving more and spending less, getting organized or losing weight, there's a lot of worthwhile goals to set for yourself this year at the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My list is learning a new language with Battle, the language learning app that sold more than 10 million subscriptions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am messing with French and Italian and what I do is when I start to feel like I'm not progressing in one, I switch to the other language and make myself feel like I'm learning that one more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not only is learning a new language a fun and engaging new hobby, you can use it while you check off traveling more from your list. The whole Babbel process is addictively fun, fast and easy. Babbel teaches bite-sized language lessons for real world use.


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[Assistant] Babbel's 15 minute lessons make it a perfect way to learn a new language on the go. Other language learning apps use AI for their lesson plans, but Babbel lessons were created by over 100 language experts right now.


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[Assistant] Save up to 65% off your subscription when you go to Babbel.com slash mom. That's Babbel, B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash M-O-M for up to 65% off your subscriptions. Babbel language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's even like a, there's a, I can even tell you there's a series, there's like a section of shirts where I'm like, oh yeah, it's good to have these kinds and I don't wear them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll show you. I'll just show you. There's a couple sections of them. But like, I'll be like, well, you know, I should get rid of that. But then you won't have that kind of shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting, right? I just, to wrap it up, you're welcome. To all you fat pores.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it really hit you. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it is the perfect way to describe it, don't you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's his name? Christopher Guest did that one. Best in Show. Best in Show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, there was a dog show, a big one a few years ago, where the dog took a shit during the thing. That was awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you know that in that world they had to be like, you see what happened to Marianne? Like they just, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, he's going for a walk. That dog just think he's going for a walk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That dog would take a person-sized shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bigger than a person. Clifford? No, but multiple people would come out of its ass. If that dog took a shit, it would look like cars were coming out of its ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. The fact that they leave that out of the story is really fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clifford has blood in his stool. Yeah, that could be a real good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, everyone does it, and, and, and you usually, if you talk to enough people, you get the full range of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all here. It's all in my head. And then there's people who are like tried it, hated it or whatever. You know, it just, I don't know. It depends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not getting hot in here. You know what, I think you need a little more force involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like that, that's exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's that you, like she's saying, we have put so much from our lives and like how you feel onto our, the baggage that you're carrying. Basically strip that baggage away and you know, be more free and open to what your asshole can do for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That's what we're gonna have Leila talk to you about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You absolutely can bleach a bee hole. It's actually a very common service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm not talking about going from a dump to scrum eating. I'm talking about going from a shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to that party, I went to that neighborhood party. And? Everybody was nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really does make you hate drunks. Like when you do stand up long enough and you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like in your fifth or sixth show of the week and you're just like, man, what am I doing? And, and it's always the, like that girl, I'm just trying to have fun. I'm just having a good time. The person who talks and they're like, I'm just trying to like help you. And you're like, yeah, I don't need you to help me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was great. Cool. Yeah, I had, I mean, I talked about it, but like a couple months ago when I was in, uh, Charlottesville, Virginia. Oh my God. And that show just fucking fell apart. But it started with an audience member in a theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He held on. And then when the ushers came, cause they were ushers, I was like, oh, he's not leaving. Cause they weren't security. They were just like, what do we do? I'm like, well, you'll do nothing. So he just, he stayed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Okay. And, and everybody hated him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a small theater, but it's still, you know, like they all, people were like, yeah. And then other people thought, well, I guess you can like just talk now. People started yelling shit to the state. It was, it was the nuttiest show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then people were fucking, they were, it was kind of chaotic, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the thing is that chaos happened at like the 30 minute mark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that guy, you know, I'm glad other, like the guys that were with me, they, they, they said they noticed it too, is that he was like the people, the person that everyone hated. And then it's like, he wanted to be audience again. Like he wanted to be part of the crowd again. So like the first joke I told after the disruption, he went like, ha ha ha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did like a forced laugh to be like, I'm a laughing audience member. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can get it if uhm, if you're born with something, you don't have to show it, like if it's just, you know, the way it is. But if you work that hard for something, you work that hard for that body, that's work, that's discipline, like daily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're, you're, you know, your macros and you're weighing your food and you work out twice a day. But I'm saying you earned it. Like fucking get on this flight in your underwear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's what do you, what feels better? The admiration you'll get with the flat. Cause that's really what you're doing it for. You're not doing it to see it flat. You're doing it for like other people. Basically to be like, damn, look at your body. That's the feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be the other people that give you that validation. And people will say, no, it's, it's, you do it for yourself. That's, I don't buy that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think people end up, they say that they do it for themselves, but they're really doing it for the outside, like, oh my god, look at your crazy body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I had a trainer once, this is like more than 10 years ago, who was fucking so ripped, right? Like he had like a model's physique and he was like, I'm fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We worked, Bert and I worked out with him. We were like, what? He's like, I'm just bat right now. We were like, what are you talking about? And he would really, and he wasn't joking. And we would constantly be like, what are you saying, dude? What are you, and that's how he was in his head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of obsessed. Ah, kind of obsessed, yeaah, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I don't know. It also, you could just, like, the healthy way is somebody who has, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then there'll be like the random day where he comes over with donuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. So there's a balance. He still has like things he enjoys. But most of the time that dude is like following. He's laser focused.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Stamps.com.


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[Assistant] If you're a small business owner, you're busy enough as it is. You don't have time to deal with the hassle of going to the post office.


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[Assistant] With Stamps.com you can skip the trip and never waste another dollar or minute. Stamps.com lets you print official postage right from your computer so you can spend less time at the post office and more time running your business. I have been using Stamps.com for a decade.


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[Assistant] It's wild. It's actually over a decade now that I've been using them.


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[Assistant] And to say that they save you time and save you money is a huge understatement.


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[Assistant] They've been doing this and they are the leaders in doing this. And for more than 20 years, stamps.com has been indispensable for over 1 million businesses and they can be yours as well. You get discounts you can't find anywhere else, like up to 40% off USPS rates and 76% off UPS.


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[Assistant] Save time and money this year with Stamps.com. Sign up at Stamps.com slash mom for a special offer that includes a four week trial, free postage, and a digital scale, no long term commitments or contracts. That's Stamps.com slash mom.


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[Assistant] I've been in uvers where uhm, I don't make that request and I get to hear the top 40 of Pakistan. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got into an uber here in Austin where the guy, like we didn't, we just said like, hello. I was like, hey, and I got in and he played his shit loud as fuck and it just happened to be shit I like. Oh, that's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it? It was like, uh, it was like MJ stuff and like Vogue and like, you know, like these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 80s or 90s, um, R and B. So I liked it. I was just like, I was like, it was like, if I didn't like it, you're like, could you turn this down? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You remember, uhm, that we had this a few weeks ago?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's very, very good. And the first, uh, the one who was singing that we first played, she listens to the podcast. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see if I can figure it out before you. Okay. Chaney crab.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Enthios is the name of her band. Yep. And she has a podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Called the, uh, Copper Crab Podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would not like that, but I would like to see the final product.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there a subversive pro-Islamic message in your act? Definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't know it. And you're like, first you notice like three and then eight and then like in a couple months you're like, man there's like 250 heat jobs at my show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show. Well two are, that's not significant, right? Two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be like, can you imagine if you're like, you know there were two Asians at my show last night, I don't know what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seemed like a place where nobody would notice us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? The words? Yeah, just fucking, oh, you know, what about me and my rights? Like, shut up, you stupid bitch. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like whenever a woman talks about, like, her rights, I want to restrict them, you know? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To, uh, vote. Well, here's a few I would take away right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely vote. Definitely, yea, you don't want them educated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Earn equal wage I think is silly. You know, a woman doesn't know what to do with all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we lost our minds here. We just decided everyone's equal, which is insane. It's insane!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they should get like, all their votes should equal like, a vote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're like, you know, uh, 800,000 people voted this year here. And you're like, that's a vote, one vote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then don't you think if you hit a certain age, they should pull your rights away too? Like, once you're like old. They do, kind of. Yea, but it should be a little more aggressive, I feel like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, I feel like it started happening for you a little while ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, dad. The bullshit. Yeah. Why? That's how my dad is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Took me decades to realize my dad was doing that. I did not know that. And there's two incidents, I've told you these, right? That stood out, that made me realize he doesn't read. The two, do you know what the two are?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we both have always liked crime stories and everything and there was this like Newsweek profile that I read every word of and it was like the whole story was, you know, like 11 pages in a magazine. It was like the main story and it was fascinating. I forget the actual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, story that it was, but I remember I had read it and I went into his room at the, not the house we live in now, the previous house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, this story's amazing. And I knew he would like it. It was the type of story he would like. And I gave it to him. Like, he goes, well, I go, you just got to read this. And he's like, okay. And so he started and I left the room and then I came back in the room. Like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it was 30 minutes late or something. And I see the magazine over there and I'm like, did you read it? He's like, yeah, it's good. I go, you read that already? Cause it was a long read. He's like, yeah, it was a good story. I was like, that's it? He was like, interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, well can you believe? And he's like, what's that? And I go, well that he, like that he killed his brother-in-law or whatever. And he's like, what? And I go, the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the financial crisis that was like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, this book is fascinating. And it detailed things that he had. He worked in that industry and it had, had the company he worked for profiled in it. And I gave it to him. And the next day he was like, that was a good book. Thanks for giving it to me. And I was like, you read 400 pages last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, no, no, no, these were like behind the scenes, you know, like the fucking treasury secretary and the CEO of JP Morgan, like it was like behind the scenes stuff. He's like, yeah, I knew a lot of that stuff. So, but I, you know, I kind of skimmed it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, once I was able to like frame it that way, I was like, oh, this is how he digests everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everything is just like uuuh and that. He doesn't actually go read pay next page. It's just, that's how he looks at everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the NFL playoffs are here in DraftKings Sportsbook. An official sports betting partner of the NFL is kicking things off with a huge offer. Counting down to Super Bowl 56, new customers can get


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[Assistant] 56 to 1 odds on any wild card team to win their game. Bet just $5 and win 280 in free bets if your team is victorious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, bet just $5 on any NFL playoff game and DraftKings Sportsbook will give new customers an additional $280 in free bets if the team they choose wins their game.


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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. Use the promo code MOM and get 56 to 1 odds on any NFL team. Bet just $5 and win $280 in free bets if your team wins. That's promo code MOM at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now you're ready to discuss it more? I love it, yeaah. What is it? Give me the cliff notes on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see how quickly I want to have you stop talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we were to take away women's rights, just hear me out. If we were to take away women's rights, there's no way that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More of them would battle now, they fucking, they're so full of themselves, but we would still stomp them out, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it, it's a, society is a lot more easy to manage and control when- The dumb-dumbs are- When they're not educated, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be kinda nice to go back to that. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a shit job for most people. Most people agree with you though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, it's a very, it's really a small percentage of people that want that. I mean, there's no such thing as, I don't care who you like as president, whether it's Obama or Trump or Clinton or Bush, those guys are ultra narcissists. They are. You have to have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A phenomenal ego to think I should rule the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because that's what you end up doing. You rule the free world. And so those, like, that's not, you're not a normal guy or girl if you're like, I should be president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also applying, like making that a reality sounds like, you know, nonsense. It's tough. Create, like, raising a philosophy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, look at this. It was characteristic of the archaic and classical periods, the influence of Pederisty. Did I say that? On Greek culture of these periods was so pervasive that it has been called the principal


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says that these relationships did not involve children, but post pubescent adolescence, usually between the ages of 15 and 19, which at that time was like being 35.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, when you were 15, you'd already like beaten fucking disease and you lost your parents and everything. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, look at that. 30 or 35. Exactly. So 15 and 19, they're just like, that's, you know, that's middle age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At 15, you were running shit. That's wild. Yeah. You weren't thought of as a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. They'd been, 15 years had been the war. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People forget now that someone who's 18 or 19 is a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're not, you're not, you know, you're, you're technically an adult. You're not really an adult. 18, 28.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Intellectually, yeaah. Late 20, 30. Yeaah. Maybe 35. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. It's a difference between being mature and being like a real adult, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I realized that we are, we really are on our own. Yeah. I didn't realize that totally, I think. I was like, oh. Right. You don't get taken care of when something really bad happens. It just happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna see the, uh, you don't get to see him, the British red smoker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such a dick. I mean, why does, I would ask him, why does this bother you? I don't know. And it is like, straight up to the cops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the cops, by the way, are so much more polite there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I don't know if they can't, they usually don't, but she's awfully tolerant when it comes to nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, you could make a case that they, those police officers, are behaving the way a police officer should be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is like, you ask them something, and even if they don't like it, they're like, alright. Here, they'd be like, the fuck did you say to me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We actually got another OG, uhm, fed smoker. Let's see it. Uhm, oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Sarge is like, uuuh. They know they're dealing with a wild one every time they run into this guy. He looks good here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both. But he looks like he's, uhm, like a guy that works outside, right? Yeaah. He has like a weathered...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at first, if I didn't know who I was looking at or hearing anything, I'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's done like some tough manual labor, you know? Yeaah. He has that kinda...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's just got to hear stories in his head all day. Right? To want to even share this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we'll do. And they're like, Hey, Sarge, who are you talking to out there? Um, sort of an interesting fella.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes you uneasy. I don't like it, yea. See, that cop was pretty passive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's because Herc has that camera rolling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're shooting your special that honors him. That's right. And uhm, yeah, we got some fun gigs coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright. Well, that's it. Uhm, thank you guys for watching, thank you for listening, and we'll see you next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. Please continue to watch more. You can see all these where my hand is gesturing. You can click on those. And please subscribe if you have not yet. Hit the subscribe button and then we'll get your money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it, it makes you appreciate it. You see everything in detail. So I just started looking around my crib, around my dad's crib, seeing like pulls and nails and stuff. I first started putting nails in our boots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like the gaze. It's just like, just, just, just, just, just, it's just like the gaze. I looked at her and she looked at me and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you, I mean, uh, what's he's, I don't, the fucking, the hot sauce, man, hot sauce is, this is the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really like that one. Yeah, the green, it's almost like the green one's almost always more flavorful no matter which sauce you're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just nailed it. It's confidence is what he's trying to say. But yeah, it's like by him saying don't flirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, uh, so then even a confident guy wouldn't come up and say like, hey, baby, let me get your number. Like we don't ever do that. I don't think that's, that's not facts. He's just saying don't hit on any woman ever. She's going to come to you because you're the winner. And it's like, that's not, that's not accurate because not at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would imagine it is a man who looks for the woman to lead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say it's more like he tries to protect you from yourself, one of those, you know? You know like the trucker dude that's like, you're beautiful but don't ever say that you're not beautiful, you're the most beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, and his whole head coming off. Kinda wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bruh. Bruh. Ah, bruh. Couple racks? Bruh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I sent, I sent one, uh, what was it, it was like a vape cartridge, you know, like the little. Oh right. I sent that through regular, just the envelope. Maybe you got lucky though. Maybe, maybe I got lucky, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One, that is wrong. Two, he's been here with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck off. What do you mean? Why are you being- Nooo. He can go fuck himself right off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Did you get? It's so si- there's some cities?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was looking up Hammurabi's code, I thought that was the eye for an eye guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you imagine putting yourself out there? Like, tell me if you like it or not. Like, what do you think people are gonna write?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was very, uh, it was very weird. It was a weird sentence that someone decided to say out loud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty cool. I guess I moved out of J-town and into C-town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he reached out to me, he's just like, hey, come over and have a burger with me. Like, okay, I mean, I don't really like to associate with Jay's anymore, but I will do it, you know, as a formality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called surstromming. That's the, that's the fish that they do it with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Averaging 52,000 attendees per week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Christina's cause she stitched it. Or duetted it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Says the extensive tooth decay is likely caused by a combination of drug induced psychological and physiological changes resulting in dry mouth and long periods of poor oral hygiene. Yeah, they never, it's not like when you're on meth, you're like, I gotta floss today. It also says, it also says meth is insanely acidic. So you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have three lightning bolts underneath, uh, I have a curvy dagger on the side, I have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a curvy arrow on this side, a full wifi signal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey everyone, I wanna warn you. If you don't hear from me, I'll be in a car, and there probably won't be internet connection when, when I'm driving, or when my parents were driving. What? Okay? Know that. I'll be in, I'll be in touch when I can. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Twerk, why you want me to twerk? Hey, I'ma tell you this, look, and I'ma say it loud and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, it was incredible, you guys. Such great food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one that you texted me on asking me if I had the thing in my bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you guys live together, so I imagine- I'm sorry?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, vital signs measurement, fingerprint authentication. That's what's up. Lamborghini license design.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. Similar? Very similar, and I think Eni has a really good guess on what's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the things that I enjoy also is reading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I keep up with the current best sellers. I'm a 25 year subscriber to both Playboy and a New Yorker magazine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be talking about that in my next, uh, Netflix hour. And I've had to pay for a lot of therapy, so go ahead and watch that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. Go to satva.com slash the shit to get $200 off your next order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's different than the humi- now the humidity. Now the talk of Austin lately has been that it's not as hot as it usually is in the summertime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So people are saying that we're just lucking out here, our first Austin, Texas summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I just did? Do you ever have a lunch and you're so mad at what you ate? Oh yeah. Because it wasn't good and now I want to do a takeover. You want to do over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you fist your own ass and you come in your face to come in your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, do you know that I just realized that right now somebody came in their own face? Like right now somewhere in the world, someone just came in their own face and they loved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we would make so much more money if I did this show topless. Are you kidding me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wasn't there a website in the beginning of the internet that was naked news? It was called the naked news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I would do it with you, Tom. I fully endorse this. Where can we air it though? Can we do it on YouTube?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that. No, it's that simple. It's two chicks in bikinis. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not even like, it's just, those are legal, right? Like you can show a girl in a bikini.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you why it's gonna succeed? Because right now the zeitgeist is to, like for instance, Victoria's Secret, the angels are not hot anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're, they're women that are accomplished in the world, which is so dumb. Like nobody wants to see smart chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love supermodels. I loved Christy Turlington and Cindy Crawford and all these people that were just better than me, but I just accepted like, oh, they're, they're just way better than me in that department of life. Like they're just prettier than me and that's fine. That's, that's always somebody better. That's their gift. Everybody gets


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, especially because you're right. Like if, if, okay, so let's maintain the integrity of the swimsuit edition and then start another magazine called accomplished women. Nobody wants to fuck. And then there's that mag instead of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't ruin the brands that exist. I think Victoria's Secret wasn't doing very well, which is why they needed to rebrand. And I think that's a stupid choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not the hottest. There's a reason we all go like, oh Beyonce, Beyonce is gorgeous and perfect. Like, no, that's beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's do, let's do, uh, two dumb sluts podcast. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I love it. You don't love cum? I love cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Wait, they have to do this too. This is what young girls do. They're like, oh my god, like, I was like, I was all like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all wet, and I was all, yeah. And he's like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? And it's so, cause it's so true on the gram. I mean, you see who's popular there. Well, who's telling me that like the cast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but then someone told me the cast, was it us? We were talking about Riverdale? And that cast has like, everybody on that cast is so attractive and they have just millions of followers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. That's partially why I follow is because I'm looking at her face and the body. That's Madonna. And like what is happening there? And, and then her boyfriend is like 24 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does it just to buy his time. So it doesn't have to go to bed. Yeah, there's such kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and you know what they did to, they're doing to me now, cause I know I love them, is they're like, mommy, I would need another hug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're cute. I'm, I'm so stoked they're, you know, they're gonna start kindergarten tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause weren't call, weren't kids putting like, um, vodka up their butts, like giving themselves vodka enemas and yea, you'll die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It goes right into your bloodstream. Isn't that why? Because there's no liver to filter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a problem. They need to scare these fucking kids the real way. Remember that stupid fucking commercial that was like, this is your brain. Oh yeah. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions? And everybody was like, can you just write an egg dumb?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The toilet paper roll, yeaah. That's how you don't get cut. But that never worked!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no. No, but my parents, my dad knew the first time I came home, hi. He just looked at my eyes. He was like, oh, you're, are you on drugs? I was like, no, I'm hungry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They knew. You have to be kinda fuckin' checked out to not notice if your kid's high at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no. They were kind of fucking dumb about it. Like they just ignored it. And then I came home on acid, like fucking frying out of my mind one time from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever. And they were just like, go upstairs. And I just fried in my room until six in the morning, like watching the fucking floors melt and the walls melt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, why didn't my parent, now that I think about it, if I saw my kid coming home...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whack the way I was at 15 on LSD. I may have had a conversation with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, do you realize like I used to, I would tear the screen off of my windows in my room. Like if I look at my dad or my mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just smoke cigarettes in my room. It's not like the smell of cigarette is so strong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it would, I'm sure it wafted through the entire house and nobody was like, Hey asshole, could you not smoke in the house? I mean, can you imagine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A 13 year old? Just like yea, let her smoke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, with my stepdad and my mom and then like a two story, four bedroom house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody said a goddamn thing. Sometimes when I was 16, I'd steal my dad's beers. I'd ripped out the, uh, when the, the screen on that punched it out, sat on the fucking roof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I checked out and I think they figured I was so far gone. They're like, this kid's a fucking loser. Like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is bad damage. Did it fuck up the floors and everything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, Maria would be perfect for one of the hotties if we could put her, like her brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got back to back meetings, errands to run and chores to take care of. What's the secret to clearing your to-do list? A little help from DoorDash. You can get dinner, household essentials and everything on your grocery list delivered. I mean, how convenient is that with DoorDash? I've used it many times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, sometimes I'll be living, leaving the studio here and I'll order dinner for the entire family and by the time I'm home, it's there. Boom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get what you want to eat right now and right to your door with DoorDash. With over 300,000 partners, you can support your neighborhood go-tos or choose from your favorite national restaurants like Popeyes, Chipotle and Cheesecake Factory. Ordering is easy and your items will be left safely outside your door when you choose contactless delivery drop-off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a limited time, our listeners can get 25% off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter code YMH. That's 25% off up to $10 value and zero delivery fees on your first order when you download the DoorDash app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the app store and enter code YMH. Don't forget that's code YMH for 25% off your first order with DoorDash. Subject to change terms of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I try to watch the Kardashians and stuff talk and I'm like, man, I can't even do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially like Kylie's fucking box of rocks. I try to get into them. I'm like, who's why, who can stomach this shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my God. Can I tell you it's I, so I've, I've followed him on the gram for a long time. He's an Italian. That's Italian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're just like words all over his body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he did, cause if you read the tattoos, it is like, fame, famous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the thing is, he's really attractive. He's a good looking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I think he's, he's really handsome without all that crap on his face. He shouldn't have done that. Hey newsflash. He shouldn't have done that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You shouldn't touch your face a lot. Maybe a little, but not that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just keep saying, I just thought about like what it's like is wait, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is so good. Last night I got another episode ahead, and like, it's just blowing my mind. And I'm so upset that nobody talked about this show for as long as, it's like the best kept secret intro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm starting to, yeah, I hear you're not supposed to get attached to certain characters because bad things happen. No, that's pretty obvious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. But you know, you have to know what you like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just looks to me like he's in a manic episode here, and then maybe he's just not in an episode at the other video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is nice. It's good to be specific and then you'll get what you want, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's interesting how they get stuck on an idea like that. I understand it. He has to fulfill it. I understand what he wants. Do you get it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are so many cool guys today. This is the cool guy episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's different. It's definitely not as common. So when they happen, it is special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that's been in his, that's stuck in his craw all day at this convention. And finally he gets the mic. Like it's every time they're using, he's just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many times have you wanted to drive through one of those?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I would, like, is there someone out there that would just let us drive through? Do you have a thing? What is that called even?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'd love to smash through one of those. I've always wanted to run over cones too. Uhm, I've always wanted to hit someone on their bicycle. That would have been so fun. I hate bicyclists on the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is wearing a supportive bra, which usually these types don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet what's so upsetting, like you probably get into law enforcement cause you're like, I want to help the world. I want to clean up the streets. And then, and then you realize like your job is just dealing with crazy people like that, probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, those poor people. And like, cause my mother, she worked for a psychiatrist when I was a child. And I remember there's a thing called the pet team and she would always be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, the pet team is going to pick up a patient, so and so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, what is that? And it's a special team that goes to pick up people that are naked, running down Ventura Boulevard at two in the morning. I think it's just for like the severely mentally ill maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Branch off the police department, like maybe they should just have a mentally ill division. You know what I mean? Like just with straight jackets and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man. Man. Gene's autumn is in the air, the pumpkins are in the patch, and our friends at Manscaped are here to make sure your man doesn't carve his pants pumpkins when he's grooming, if you know what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make sure he's keeping things fresh this fall with the leaders in male grooming and their brand new fourth generation performance package. Right? I love it. Listen, I love when Tom


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, trims is pumpkins. I love it. It's so smooth. They're very kissable. They're very touchable. I want to lay on them and just mwah! Give them kisses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, listen to me. If you wanna have your woman adore your balls the way I love Tommy's, MANSCAPED. MANSCAPED.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men, join the other 2 million men worldwide using Manscaped by going to manscaped.com slash mom for 20% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Toner plus two free gifts. Get 20% off and free shipping by going to manscaped.com slash mom for 20% off and free shipping. That's 20% off and free shipping by going to manscaped.com slash mom for 20% off plus free shipping. Make sure his balls are fresh this fall with Manscaped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my immediate family, alcohol, mental illness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No lie. Is he the, is he the best selling act in show business?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, you know what we have to do, right? You know what we have to do. We have to see Garth Brooks live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we need to go and just video us watching and we need to see what all the hubbub is about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And see if he'll give us the bodies and see if he'll acknowledge you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finally, and give you permission to comment on his Instagram posts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris Gaines was very important to me. I love that fucking character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also too, like, don't you find, and this is interesting because it is a parallel to you and I somewhat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That like, clearly Garth is the star of that couple, right? Like Trisha, like she's got her thing going much like I do, but really in our couplehood, you're the bigger act, you're the bigger star. And I think the thing that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gross what Garth does. I feel like he panders to Trish, like he panders to her level of success a lot, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm hearing Ms. Tricia Yearwood saying, it's like, don't, don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just buying, I don't know, I guess I don't understand the attraction to that horse shit act where you're like, you guys buy this fucking nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean even, okay look, and this is sacrilegious to say, but I don't give a shit. Even Dolly, who I fucking love, I think there's no greater talent than Dolly fucking Parton. She's a, she's a hero. She's a fucking saint. I, I, I love her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I listen to her and I'm like, you're, you're not telling the truth. She's like, you know, I grew up, poorest can be in a cabin in Tennessee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This background, her rocky mountain, whatever, upbringing. And I'm like, I see her storyteller, but I'm like, just fucking, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. I think I like the truth tellers. I'm very, I'm always attracted to the truth teller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, I can't stand the, the falseness and I think that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that Chris Gaines was his attempt at telling the truth. I think that's as close as Garth got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was vastly shamed for it being unsuccessful. And then I think he became even more of this peaches and cream identity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried being honest. Fuck all y'all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trisha's like, now Garth, you gotta take the high road on this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think he talks to her like behind closed doors? What do you think that's like, that darkness? He's got to snap at her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because remember when he's like, is that supposed to happen? Like we saw a glimpse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well of course, of course not. I mean nobody wants to date pigs, you know, not chicks only. I think about Cobra Tate so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think about Cobra Tay all the time when he's like, I only drink sparkling water because it's more expensive. Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this man's also been featured on the talks. He's got a lot of moles under his armpits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's videos of him licking his own armpits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. And now he's proud of his lack of hygiene and that he smells. So. Well, we live in an era where everybody needs to be proud of themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I would have gone, I've heard that squirrel tastes greasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have put human meat as greasy. You know, especially Americans are very fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if I don't, if I don't let her in, then she'll be at the door all the time. Uhm, listen to me. Just hear me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this new restaurant in Beverly Hills and you can buy just a cube of human meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like why you human and you get to just like that story where you get to see like the story of the beef. You get to have the story of the person. They were in good shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you get, you get their whole history. Would you go there? Would you eat a cannibal restaurant?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but here, okay, what if it's prisoners? Like they're gonna die anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because if I take the ethical, but why not? Why? It's just meat. What's the difference? And especially if they're bad people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not, there's no ethical dilemma if they're already dead or on death row or whatever. They're rapists, child molesters. What if there's a restaurant where you could eat child molesters? I think it's a win-win. You could feed the homeless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, this is an interesting idea. So we hunt them and then you can serve them in a restaurant in LA and you can feed people that want to eat the child molester.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like this idea of like letting us see people dying. I don't know why we stopped all that. Oh, hello son. You can't pee in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you go potty and then I'll come down? I'll come down right after, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll come watch with you guys. They're watching some Pac-Man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Either that or they slam it so hard that it falls off the hinges.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's not your fault. Your parents are ugly and they knew it when they still had kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a compilation of dating profile videos from the eighties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hours. Because it's interesting how people were not savvy about being on social media or how to present themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeah, you got the guys, this is how guys think. I don't think it's changed a whole lot since back then. Hot, skinny, look good, be nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you who it is off mic. Really? You're gonna be surprised. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think he can write us a letter though to let us know, so I'm not too worried about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In fragmenting and wasps, copyright and, copyright and fragmentation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I do like that his work, the, the TikToker's work has grown because now he's reading us quotes. So he, he is developing as a TikToker, his, his, um, talents now. It's not just, have a nice day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was and Tom, I'd like you to have a good afternoon and a good night and then tomorrow have a good day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope the weather is nice and that you have a nice flight home and that you eat nice, good food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks Tom, my lunch was very bad, so I'd like a good, good dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me emphasis by saying I'm not a professional knife fighter, nor do I know if this is the correct way to fight. This is just what I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my thought here is, put him upside a wall by his neck, right into the gut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Moms House is brought to you by Satva, you guys know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are huge fans and we continue to be huge supporters of Satva for this very reason. We love to sleep comfortably and you should get to that experience as well on a high quality mattress without breaking the bank. And that's what Satva does for you. They give you a luxury level mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't cost you a fortune. You can go to satva.com, saatva.com slash the shit.


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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, uhm, it was a woman and she had, I don't know what it's called, when your head and your arms are through like a wooden... Oh yes, the medieval torture spice. Yea yea, that's called stocks. Stocks. She was in that, and then the guy was railing her from behind, and then that was her...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was what she improvised as it was happening. And then they did like a little interview afterwards and they were like, it was a really interesting, fun time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a- They'd love to do the like, I just had a lot of fun. I had a lot of fun. It was very, uh, you know, liberating to let myself go like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good to feel like, centered, you know, grounded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of cool stuff. You realize that you have an opportunity to be there, like in the moment when Christina records


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That title is pitched to one of the, like one of the biggest executives, who then has a conversation with other executives. Yeah, that's the best part. And they go, and for sure somebody's like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like is that about perspective? Like POV? Like she's saying, like don't, like look through my, into my house from your yard. And he's going to be like, I don't, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every day. Today he's Mr. Hot Sauce. Mr. Hot Sauce. It's pretty great. It's pretty great. Yesterday he was Mr. Parking Lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty funny, but I was like, he's like, I'm Alexa. I was like, okay, hey Alexa. And then Alexa was like, yes. I say, yes, I'm Alexa. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm so proud of you. It's exciting, you know, it's a big deal to get a special. You're getting it on the biggest platform in the world for entertainment. It's amazing. And you're doing it in the big fucking orange, they call it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I snort, I fucking, I shoot up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so great. Did you get it? See, you missed it because of the sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he, he has no, he knows obviously this person, and he knows that if he goes, uh, that she can't help but to do it herself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it was because- It's not funny. But he's fucking with her, that's why it's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See if you can pick up what I got. You explain to the listeners what they're listening to. You explain it. Okay, there's a really attractive man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So kinda sitting, slouching, laying down. Looks like he's in a hotel room or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's looking at his own face, not doing anything for a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the other sound? That's him though? Sounds like it's somebody else making that sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How is that him though? It doesn't make sense that that's his sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I'm like you, I also feel like I'd like to value the whole person. I'm just saying that don't you think he's skilled at this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something like this. There's one. Yea, there's gotta be. There's one. There's always like. There's a big one. Ooh, I'd like to see what that tongue can, right? Show me what that mouth can do. But she's probably not well adjusted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, you can tell by the way that he's breathing and like how he's moving that that's not coming from him. So where is it coming from? It's either like an audio drop that's been put in there or it's coming from somebody else in the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What we're hearing is not what you're saying it is. It is not him, he's not doing this and you're hearing, you can tell he's not breathing like that.


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[Assistant] Because it's so obvious, I'm like, I feel like I'm teaching math to like a fucking first grader, like you don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, at least do this, at least do this. Uh, okay, I'll do this, I'll do this, okay? I'll accept, I'll accept.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I could be wrong about that. And how about an honest poll from the booth? I'm just saying. Maybe I'm wrong. What do you guys think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's from when he jerks off. I don't know. I don't know what it's from. I'm trying to say that it's so clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's terrified right now and he's scared. If you think it's real, then you think it's like clearly his breathing. Just say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How am I not being nice? I can't watch a video and be like, oh, this is clearly not what you're saying. And it like, how is that so upset?


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but I mean, he's been calling, he's been calling himself that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes they call it boneless chicken. They don't say wing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a tall order, but also, like, you know, I liked where she's thinking. She's looking for something good. Reasonable request.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna see how close I can get to meeting the qualifications.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I could be that guy and then, and like convince her and then just keep being like, Oh yeah, I don't know why you try again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. She has that right. Also, she made her future father, uhm, criteria almost political, which is interesting. Well, it did go that way. It's a hot-button topic. It did go that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they have the list. Yeaah. They're like, he must be 6'1 or taller. He must make $300,000 a year or more. He must have a cut. And they have like, and then the matchmaker's like, uhm, you just, this is like a resume. What are you doing? Just meet somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She seems like it would be a tough go as a mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We heard about the person who as a parent was like, I just never say no. And, and there's no such thing as competition. Like you can do whatever you want at all times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, super vague, but it's somebody who we know told us that they, they actually got to babysit for someone whose, uhm, instructions were never tell my child no. Never say you win or you lose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also they can do whatever they want, whenever they want. And that's gonna help them.


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[Assistant] It'd be cool to Google that person. And see like, which rehab center that kid's in right now.


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[Assistant] A lot of times it's people who do really well, like, like they're successful.


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[Assistant] You want to talk to a doctor about this stuff? And they're like, why don't I talk to a doctor? Have you not seen all my car dealerships?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would help. But if you took your meds, then we don't get the videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I'm so upset. I thought it was just in the house. Yeah. Man, I unplugged so much shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching it load and I was like god fucking dammit. And I did it over and over and over and then I just sat there and I just stood in my fucking frustration.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did the router, then I unplugged the Apple TVs, then I re-started the Apple TVs, and then I was just like, this motherfucking thing is trying to fuck me, and you're trying to fuck with me? Like that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, first of all, salute to whoever asked this. I don't know who it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was nervous too. You could tell he was nervous. This is clearly a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sit with fans, like, you know, like, uh, probably sponsored by Amazon music thing. And he got in and you could tell he was like, you could hear it in his voice. He is nervous. He was like, uh, uh, comments like, and Garth was like, what comments?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Garth had a, uh, like a really, an answer ready. Like this has been discussed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's been briefed, he's like, for sure one time, he's like, oh comments, cool. And he probably was like, the fuck is proto? Why is everyone saying what? And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then there was the conversation like, you're so big, you're following so big, this is what happened. And then it was like automatic. Like he, he gave, he wasn't like, huh, I don't really, I've never really thought about it. He was like, here's my answer to that because it's been, it's a conversation I've had before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or it was like when we, when somebody found RPC and we're like, that's a try it out guy. And like we, we got to talk to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he, if he understands why people are writing, watch for waspas and are you following Proto?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's saying, I wish you, like, he wants the comments to just be, be like, no man, fucking, I got friends, like, kick ass, big ass stadium tour, rock on, like that, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't, you know, don't know or don't have access or don't look at. And that's what I've learned is that that is not true. Super famous people with huge followings still go, this is my Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see, how many followers I have? And they hit the, I like this picture, but they're very, you know, aware of what they want to see the approve of the photo we're going to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's this say here? There's 6,000 comments underneath this? Let me hit this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and then he's like, what the fuck is, why are they asking me about bodies? Why are they asking me where bodies are buried? And then somebody goes, you're huge. And what happens when you're huge? Right? Yes. This is the speech he's been told.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's like, yeah, but the thing is man, you're so famous that these are the, you know what I mean? We can't just filter out all the comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knows, cause he's seen what country stars that are dead, like, you know, he's probably like, oh, I'm going to be like Elvis. You know what I mean? Like, people will come, pilgrimage, that kind of thing, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they gotta drop acid on this fucking great site. Yeah, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I got another cool update for you. So everybody, like the interwebs are flipping out about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess it's a slang, Nalgong. But they also are calling him Daddy Lalagong because that's in his... It's his last year, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lalo, Lalo, like Francisco, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what is hilarious to me? He has the, he has the temperament of like an old lady that, that you're fucking with. Like, like when you fuck with your mom or your grandmother with techno and they're like, stop with the noises, you know, like he's a young kid. He's like, what's all this flying stuff on the screen, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ellis took soap suds and put them on my head, and I went, and I went,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I turned, I was like, and then they laughed so hard. So then I would wipe it off. I was like, don't do that. And then he goes, will you bend down and pick that up for me? I'm like, yeah, the game has begun. So the game has begun. So I've been down and he takes soap and he puts it on me again. I go, Hey, and then they laughed so hard, but it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He needs to do, he just needs someone to help him realize that he needs to do what, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hey, it's Charles and like Elliot, like what they did where they're like, like he needs to understand that he can lean into this stuff and have fun with it. Even though it's funny to watch him flip out. It's funny. Like no one's like, this is all in your head, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. We definitely need to talk to him. I really want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you said that you saw the clip of Burt going, I love watching myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. It is insane because it is literally the opposite of almost every comedian I know. Every performer too, even actors. Yeah, actors too.