[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're talking about a camera rolling all day, I would be like in an ocean basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always loved sports. I always felt like you were kind of on the edge with it. Like we were like, well, take it or leave it or whatever. Not really care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you had, uhm, the best time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what you loved about it, but I had different ideas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you mentioned that you were having a great time. It got me excited to want to go to more basketball games. And there's this, uhm, young lady here who is also a fan of basketball. You might relate to her in a lot of ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is, and uh, look at her, was she eating her pasta? Making videos about it too. In a way, you know what this really is? It's like, this video is like a bat signal to the NBA players. So she talks about it in a general sense, but then if you're a player, you're like, hey, what's up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, that's one of your favorite things is when girls talk about how they love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also believe that she's good at it. I believe it, I believe it. Well, cause she puts it out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you feel like all you gotta do is basically...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Put it out there. If you say it, then people will believe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything that seems like an extreme starts to look cartoonish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like her message though, it's sort of the same message, uh, that uhm, Remember? Huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have pegged her. I would have, I would have known.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean there's, look, it's a combination of things. It's the way that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, of course, there's a slut eye energy, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, and actually can I tell you something? She had real insight there. Sure. She really did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so this is what I've been so excited to show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But by the way, I want to say a couple things about that girl. I think she's actually highly intelligent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She seems bright. Yep, I think she's bright. She had also had ho nails. That was another give off. Nails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think she's bright, but she's putting it out there, and that's fine. No, hold on. Look, I'm happy for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I mean leggings, uhm, shoes, certain shoes are giveaways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, this depends. Let's see, who's this hoe right here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but see, like her whole gear, this isn't the whole outfit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She fucks. I mean I wouldn't call her a slut, but I mean it's not like it's impossible to fuck her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you talking about? I look like she goes to sculpting class with that pattern on there. Okay, okay. That's me by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean she fucks, you can tell. You know? Looks like she, she definitely fucks hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is she a slut? Nah, I mean, that's like, you know, in the outfit, again, like it's, it's the, the UGG, it can be an accessory of HODM, or it can be like a, obviously, uhm, a, something that provides comfort. I mean, here she's obviously on set, she's probably wearing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I get it. I don't think that that, in this situation,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] defines her as a hoe, but I mean, there's definitely a lot of hoes that, that wear them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it dog fur for real? Kinda furs in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know how some of the coolest guys ever have appeared on this show? Well, here's something cool. There is, they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I, I was given the, uh, the great benefit of having this emailed to me. I can't. And somebody wrote, I'd love to give them credit. They wrote, uhm, hey I saw this video, it seemed awesome and perfect for your show. And I was like, alright, I'll see what this is. And I started to laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's completely naked. He's got a crazy tan, like you can tell he goes to tan, uh, tanning beds and wears like his little Speedos in there. Uhm, but, let's see how this stuff works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your butt play. Yea, it's butt play, you know? It's not play. It's a playground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it's fun. There's just a little discomfort at first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, ah, I haven't had this feeling since the last buttplug video I made. Oh man, he's uh, whoo, he's really-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jimmy, when are you making another vid? Terry! He's a Terry, I feel like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like he was saying, you don't shove a dick in there the first time, you ease into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now he's making videos all the time. I gotta say, decent camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, of course. Why would you do this to me? Because it was funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was funny to watch him, and it was funnier to watch you watch him. You're the worst. I know how to make myself laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That really, that really for me hands down easily the highlight of 2019 so far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she likes cool guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cat at the end who doesn't know what the fuck is going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It smells, you know what it smells like? It smells like bleach in there, cause he's probably always like, that guy probably had AIDS, I don't know, I'm gonna clean this up, yeaah. For sure. There's problems in that room. And he's also an outdoorsman. You actually need an emotional break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know he really, we can't say his name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really does. I've talked about him in my act before, in specials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he really is, and he really does do that. He really did that last year to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're, the thing is, when that's happening to you, it's never been done before, right? So uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're, you're really, I mean you're naked, you're in the fetal position, and you have this...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost, I wouldn't say you have shame, but you're, you know, you're, it's almost like you're embarrassed a little bit, and you're, uhm, you just want, you want it to be over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's it, it feels kinda demeaning. And I'm just staring at the wall. And, uh, he's like, uhm, alright, take a deep breath. I'm like, okay, he's like, there's plenty of lube here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, I'm still laughing, I turn around to look at him and he goes, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He is, he is the best doc. He's so thorough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's incredibly, that's incredibly, he has said the wildest shit to me. I mean things that I haven't said in my act, you know, one time I saw him when I had a sinus infection and I still remember I was going to Indy, I was going to play crackers in Indy and I get on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get in his office and I'm like, he checks me and he's like, oh yeaah, it's bad. You know, you're, you're, you're sick. And I go, that was that time where you're like, you put your, those shows ahead of your health.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, I have to get on this plane. He was like, you definitely shouldn't fly. And I go, I'm flying. Is there anything I can do to improve my, you know, chances? He goes, yeah, yeah. Sit at a window seat. I go, sit on a window seat? He goes, yeah, left window. Excuse me. I go, why? I said, well, you have an infection


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When your eardrum ruptures, it'll splatter all over the window.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he just looked at me, and I'm like, what the fuck? And he's like, well that's what you could do. Yeah. I go, okay. Thanks. Shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's right, of course he's right. And that was one of the worst decisions I made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna have like six servings of McDonald's before I go to bed. You know? So that I'm nice and stuffed for my physical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it is the new sponsor and we couldn't be more thrilled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a footage I saw of a Coachella show, I think it was last year, that had


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Upwards of 250,000 people at one of the shows, I'm like, oh, that seems cool. Like, to have a quarter million people around you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at these lunatics. Look at these psychos, and I'm sorry to say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of chicks out there that lead the way in these things. There really are. There really are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get 10% off more if you sleep outside tonight? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanting things and just been like, I guess it's not for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and that parade shit, like what do you get out of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you sleep, when you sleep outside. Oh, parades, yea. Nah, I got, I'm front row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As the people walk by and people will wave at us. And then we get to see the float.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, you ever watch channel 7 news? The guy and the girl that do that, they'll be right there too. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then they wave, and you can wave, uh, last year, you know, uh, Cheryl from Channel 5, she waved, she waved right at me. Okay. Was that a good time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And with cutaways and you sit on your couch and you drink a fucking hot cocoa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dregs of humanity. Dregs. If we have a plague, we should drop it in time square. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way that people, like the creativity that people need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As an excuse to drink is always astounding. It's like, just have a fucking drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But not a part of the festival. Nope. It's a, it's a 10k and you gotta drink it. Like dude, just drink. Why don't you just get drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should. If that's what you're thinking about, you should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should go to Times Square, you should fuckin' live there. And get drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All day. All day, every day. There's never a no. There's never the thought I shouldn't drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course man. You got it. Thanks to our sponsor. To our great, great sponsor, McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck. I think I, I hate the heat more than the cold. So I think I would have to take New Years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. I think, I think so. I'm trying to, I mean, I like music more than I like a fucking crystal ball dropping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I know somebody who go- I know a couple people that go to these. So do I. Yea, like regularly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes to, uh, uh, what's the Tennessee one? Bonnaroo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite is when they're like, you know, they have a comedy tent. You can get booked and you can go to all the shows for free. And I'm like, mhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could also just inject heroin into my asshole, and I could just pass out where I'm sitting right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it outdoors, I don't like it intense, and I don't like it on a music festival.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matter of fact, I don't even like it at a comedy festival. I like shows and then I like to leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I hate the most about a comedy festival? When they go, uh, it's a great hang though. I'm like, a great hang? They're like, yea, you can hang out with all the other comics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I could do that whenever I want. And actually, I can pick the ones I want to hang out with. I have this phone, I can text people I like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh yea, you go to the festival and you can hang out with everyone. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, Burning Man? That's, okay, I thought I was talking about compared to a music, that's not a music festival.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stay in New York. You're still gonna do, do Dork City? Over that? Yeah man. Of course. You can. Yeah. Terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do Burning Man and see how many people I could get pregnant. I would just be like, let's see if, uh, and then like I have tests at the end of it like, how many of you got pregnant? Like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you would really take, you would take, why would you take a week there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, I could also get really high on the parade trail and just like shut down and just, you know, let my eyes roll back and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they don't, they don't, they don't. Uhm, why don't we take a quick break? You gonna pee again? No, our guest is gonna arrive soon. Oh, do I need to eat a filet-o-fish? Yeah, of course. Again, once again, of course, thanks to, uh, our great friends and our sponsors at McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back after that much needed break. Everybody peed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now we are joined by a comedian and also a fellow degenerate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lady comic, everybody. Uh, Glitter Cheese herself. It is Lisa Trager, everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a guy, a drunk guy in the lobby go, uh, he goes, uh, like I was walking through the lobby in San Diego, he goes, uh, and I go, hey, and he goes, dude, don't tell me, and I go, okay, and he's like, I'm drunk, and I go, okay, and he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when people compliment you and then they're like, what's your name though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, sometimes you're like, oh no, then you realize like, oh we were home all day today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but I think like high population areas, you know, if you go to, once you start traveling, like if we're in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or it's like we're in like, uh, Beverly Hills, like in the center of activity. There's so many people, it's like being in an airport. So you, you know, recognized more there obviously, but. But in shopping? In shopping, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna understand this. People who don't have like a place were able to get into a building


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool. I also just maybe not want to ever be a landlord was learning about like how it varies state to state, but you can rent to somebody and they can just be like, uhm, in certain states I'm not paying, you know, I'm not paying you. And then the process to evict them can be like three months or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now when we met, we met in Chicago. In Peoria. Was it Peoria first?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's a nice blend of Jews and Nazi marches?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And his kids like, they're at that age, they know that their dad doesn't just have sex, but that he is the step on girls' necks, put toes in their asses, and just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goat, it's like, he is the, he's the sex Satan, basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, same thing, I don't want to see a camera go down into the throat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're definitely, from what I'm hearing, you're channeling-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing would make me happier than to see you happy and I want you to find...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm respecting the fact that you're saying women, I would just like you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To consider a few men, just give me your take on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, best fans in the world. That guy, by the way, uhm, he has uhm, some respiratory issues. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah, but I figured you could help him, you know, maybe like one of the things you would do is wheel in the oxygen every day as part of the new relationship. No?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, it's totally, we just, we want to find love for you. What if, like, let's say, let's say this scenario took place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You meet a guy, he's like, Lisa Lisa, and you're like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, do I know you? And he's like, ah, nothing, I just, I know, I've seen you on Netflix and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, would you like to have dinner sometime? And you're like, I don't, I don't know man, I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of not. And then, he goes, just let me have your number. And then you give him your phone. He takes it. He puts his number in, but he calls himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he now has your number, right? Kind of a slick move. That's what this guy did. And then the next morning, he just sent a video of himself to this girl who he'd met one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you feel terrified?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like ceiling fans though? He's got multiple ceiling fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you though, do you respect this move? No, no, no, no, no. This is too much, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like the, cause I think every, almost, almost every comic has, uhm, some experience with, in this, in that, if you've had Twitter,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I think that like, it's a kind of interesting psychology to comedians, is that like, even if you hang out with comics all the time, uhm, you start to, you build this thing where you go, it becomes about like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you say the thing that gets a reaction out of other comics? So you start to naturally say more inflammatory things. Not to excuse it, but like if you hang out with comics, you'll hear more racial, sexist, just crazier language that you normally don't hear and then you start to think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, it's like, it's almost like if you're watching that uh, like porn stuff, and then you see a behind the scenes, the behind the scenes seems like it's uhm, I don't know, a little more exciting. Cause like, they're not performing, you know? It seems like it's like a little more...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fascinated by uhm, the, uh, the change in your dating guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it occurring to you that you might like women?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, so here's a cool guy, and uhm, you go-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's gonna be, it's super chill. So, just let me know, like, what you think of him, of like his whole appeal, his style. Just like, just check him out for a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would not get away. He would get caught. But you'd be definitely dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He totally is, yea. And he's also, you know, it's like one of those review videos where people are like, hey have you seen the new BMW 3 series? Here's all the features, you know? He's like one of those guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you going to be doing at AVN so people know for sure?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, no, I mean, I am pretty, like, I can watch, you know how when you go to the Tube sites, uhm, there's like a home page? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's say there's 20 videos. 13 of them work for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I saw like, there was like some BJ video, then there was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it either. Wait, there's a Little Dick genre? For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also, I hate seeing an average-sized dick in a porn. I'm serious. For me, I'm like, come on, man. Like, give us some fucking equipment to work with here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to see something impressive. I also actually like when the girl goes like, jeez. Like, I don't think I can fit all this. And then they're like, we're going to make it fit. You know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, please. So listen, uhm, we have this game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and we like to play it. I want to set it up correctly for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have my intro for it, but I do have, so this is what we do, we play uhm, these videos and we call this segment Horrible or Hilarious and we just basically want you to watch it and tell us whether you think it's horrible or really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now see, we laugh about it, but to be fair, uh, when we were actually watching it, Christina was like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, can I ask you, do you have any opinion? I know you're from the Chicago area. Yes. Did you ever know anyone or maybe you yourself became a fan of Garth Brooks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some people who think that, you know, Garth may have bodies hidden on his ranch and that he pretends to be human and that it's all just a big act. Uhm, this is footage from his most recent CBS concert. You were talking about some of his promo stuff where he's pretending to be human. Go ahead and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're totally right, and I think, you know, maybe he's handling it well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As compared to like a Michael Jackson, clearly it just fucked, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. She's always pointing out something I never noticed before but I'm like, oh, you're totally right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, a guy can be a fucking dog. A fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear our wedding bells whenever I see those shots. I love that shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You realize it's entertainment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want a couple nice lips and a couple mouths back there. Just eating up some lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got uhm, a surprise digit in there, you know, from a real SLUT, and then I returned the favor, and there was a lot of chocolate on my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, do you pursue a couple on Tinder or are you just looking for one person?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I feel like Phoenix is the city where over the last ten years has to be four or five times where people, like a couple have been like, do you want to hang out tonight? And I'm like, do I want to hang out tonight? And they're like, do you want to hang out? Phoenix, always. I feel like it's in the water there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, was that your, you seem very, like, you're like, that's what I did, did you have threesomes before?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And were they all, here's the thing though, a lot of times you watch these shows,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They sure are. They sure are. You're basically like, hey dude,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who comments on anything, there's gonna be people that say that on. You know what I mean? Like, you could say that about football, you could say it about, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hunting, you can say it about politi- like, if you make a comment


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're getting the experience of a lot of people paying attention to it. That's what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's not indicative. Like social media isn't even reality, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, you can get lost in it, that's the danger. You can get lost in it and you can start to think that this is the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you realize, if you do what you did, like jump off for a couple days, you realize like, that's not the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy rabbit hole that I can get so involved in that I think it's everything and it's not really a reflection of the real world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uh, Ari Shafir is like big on that. Yes, he has a flip phone. He has a flip phone, which is totally psychotic, but he's always encouraging us, uhm, to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, take social media off our phones and all that stuff. And, you know, sometimes I, he'll hit me with the right message on the right day about it. And I'll, I'll just like, not look that day. And I do feel better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you, uh, road stuff. Do you have anything coming up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you know, the studio is still under construction. They're still soundproofing. Uhm, we actually had to shut down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Soundproofing because other businesses in this business park were like, what the fuck is going on over there? Because it was so loud. And that has delayed a couple things, right? So what's up with the other shows coming to our channel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like February, first week of February? Yeah, first week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so we'll put like, his videos on our channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, we have date night, uh, this week, Thursday. You start to schedule it more when you have babies. You're like, we will have dinner on Thursday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I just remembered something. I was like, you got any date? We're doing some gigs together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling, I'll tell you right now. It's uh, it's April, you're right. We're actually starting in Bethlehem, PA. Oh cool. We're doing the Sands Casino. And then we're doing Medford, which is just outside of Boston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 15 minutes, then we do proper Boston and then we go back to Medford.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but we're gonna end up doing one, two, three, four, five, six, seven shows today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. That's right. Do you watch, uhm, uh, what's it called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love after lock up. Love after lock up is fucking amazing. And that's on, what is it, WeTV or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, it's people that meet people on the inside, you know, like they do the pen pal thing, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's sites for like, hey, do you want to meet a felon, I guess? And they start these romances and then it continues, you know, the, the, the camera crew joins as the person is released. It's a basically a formula for disaster every time, but there's one couple where this is like my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy and the girl had a baby like three months before he went to prison. He's getting out of prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He now likes another girl, not the baby's mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I'm gonna have, I have to have sex with her to keep her chill. And then she's like, we're not gonna use, uh, like I don't have protection, but it's like, I don't know. Like we'll see, you know, we'll just see what happens. And then like, but she's also realizes he's totally unstable and not, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll do it again. I want to thank the great people at Satva, all our sponsors, obviously our huge corporate sponsor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. I wonder if we'll have access now to like old library of toys and you know and stuff from our connection to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone tells me it's my son that it's my son. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just changed it. That's something you're supposed to do. Did you do that when you were babysitting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean the people who are really anti-circumcision kind of, I don't know, they kind of amuse me. Yeaah. Yeaah, when they're like, how dare you just figure these bodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Downtown. Downtown. That's the one that's down town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last thing that I have tickets available for this month is the third show in Dallas at the Majestic. That's on Sunday, January, I believe, 27th. So, uh, there's a few tickets left if you want to grab them. Otherwise, pick up the tour again in Long Beach in February. Uhm, I think that's it for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and this song is, uh, Full Throttle, the Ballad of Joe and Julia by the TCR. Thanks so much. We'll see you next week, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll be back to talking about farts and dicks after this quick break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I guess in, like, the last few years, I guess when you make so much music, the last thing you want to do is listen to music. Yeaah. In some sense of, like, hanging around. That makes sense. So when podcasts, like, a big deal for it, you know, like, it's something I could just put on. Yeaah. Especially with long flights. I think that was the big deal. For sure. Like, uhm, here's the deal, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except one time I was listening to one like some war shit, I don't know how I even got up on that shit, but I was listening to a war podcast and they were talking about the nuclear wars and all that type of shit and that type of shit you don't want to listen to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really love edibles, but I learned that I can't take them on flights. The last time I took an edible, I almost pushed the button. Really? I don't know why I just kept looking at the button.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's the way to do it, man. Yeah, just break it up. Yeah. But, uh, I mean, Xanax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder what's his like real job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That end, I saw a recent one you guys, and it left me in tears. The one, this motherfucker done brought a dead raccoon in the McDonald's. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We eat coon every, uh, Thanksgiving. Really? What? It's like a Midwest, yeaah. Nooo. That motherfucker be on the table, like, uh, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you did it. When did you start? I never learned how to rap. Yea, you always say that. That was, yea, it was the weirdest shit. What, I mean, I tell everybody the story probably a thousand times, but the first time I ever rapped was, um, in kindergarten. I said kindergarten. I was in kindergarten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The teacher was all like, you know, she really encouraged it. Really? Anytime we would have like some type of school play or something, she'd be like, rap!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot of nice ass hotels now, which is weird. Like I'm talking about the places that used to be like, Cranked in Heavens are now fucking hotels now. Like with fucking free breakfast and shit and hipsters with fucking Carhartt hats on and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I make music and music and I never really think of what to make a video for or anything like that. So usually my manager is somebody like this one, this one, this one. Really? And then when I, when I decide what song we'll do and then we'll just get a whole bunch of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What it, what it was like, cause I was, I came in that era of, you know, where hip hop was like this thing of you had to have an image, you had to have a look. Like I've, I've been in so many like label meetings early and they was like, the music is dope, but you don't have a look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, it's a long story, so like I say, in the beginning what I would do, I would just literally, I had a connection at Rockefeller Records. A.N.R. there that liked my music. So I would take these 12 hour Greyhound trips to New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Waving for cellphones, all that shit, calling on payphones and this and that. Wow. Couchsurfing with who I could stay with and go out, you know, and I would record these mixtapes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what happened was by the time I got out of jail, I already had like a name on blogs and shit. Like hip hop blogs would like post my music and shit. So when I got out of jail, I was like, oh, that's what I'ma do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it still wasn't like a thing, like it wasn't gonna get me a record deal. So like I say, I had to take it back to some stand up comedian type shit and I would go to open mics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the Tony Ayo situation fitting that is that I used to go record in the studio in New York, in Queens, which was, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was in Queens, and when that studio, when I was, I guess I was in jail or whatever, when that studio shut down, the engineer from there started working for Tony Yo-Yo. Okay. And then one day they came to Detroit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the engineer just was calling me, like, the weed, like, you in the D, whatever, we need to get some weed on, yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah. We didn't even, we ain't pray and talk to each other in years, type shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wouldn't even let me go pack clothes. Like, let me go grab some clothes. Like, no, you with me? He with me out the next day and I was with him for like a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, uh, yeaah, back in those days I'd wear like super tight ass skinny jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he had all these gangsters around and shit, but before that he been told me, like, you know, you need to look more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's the best. That's actually how he is though. So I remember we had a show and then I had these tight white pants and then he just, I don't know, he just freaked out and was like, you got this motherfucker around me, motherfuckers gonna think we gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then after that was over, I knew in my head it was over, like I gotta go home. Take a shit, you know? So I think I lied to Yale and told them I had a show or something. Like I got a show in California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always shit like that that's pretty lucky for me and I take, you know, I'm really blessed with stuff like that. He just really liked the song and restarted to do a video for it. The song's amazing. And he wanted to really, it was before he shot the movie that he just did, so that was his way of like testing the cameras and like, that was his way to practice before he started shooting the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will let stuff just happen on its own more so than be like, I'ma sit here and write a rap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I'ma write a song or I'ma come up with this concept. No, I would just like put beats on and every now and then I might have a couple bars for this beat. I might come up with a hook for this beat. I might come up and eventually it just starts painting its own picture for itself. I don't really go into trying to force it no more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It took a long time for me to actually find that voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I probably did like three mixtapes before I even started rapping like that. Really? Yeah. I think, after all...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I can see further, I can hear louder. Like I really thought, like I was really bought into the whole thing of like, I'm a better person with it type shit. It makes me work better, stick like that. But yea, it's a downfall to that too. Don't get me wrong, it makes you a fucking psycho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I can't fit him no more. Really? Yeaah, so I got, I'm either gonna take the diamonds out and do something else with them, or I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I spent $10,000 on one and I spent maybe $7,500 on another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Few steps away from dentures. Really? My shit was, I had to get bone graft and all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what I know for a good chain, when you want a piece too. No, I just do the chain. Just the chain. Oh, just the chain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't say it on air. Okay, but off the air? Alright, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really close was to like, uh, uh, which I've stopped, like, I guess after so long of just collecting shit and buying stuff, but I bought, uhm, so many dumb, like, one time I was in London at Selfridge,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that in the fashion world, a lot of brands feel that once it's popping in like urban communities, that's the decline of their line in some sense. So I can see where Gucci, to me I think it was a planned


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really, I think that was, I think that was purpose. They did that on purpose. They don't want black people to wear their clothes right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had a nice 5 year run with us, and now they're like, oh they let us get back to being high end, and then when we need y'all motherfuckers again, we'll make some fuckin' all over print shit with big logos on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was actually a designer in the 90s that was a black designer from Paris. I can't think of his name right now. But he actually used to do that too though. So in some sense I thought they was trying to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do a take on what he used to do in some sense, but I dunno. That's so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's my thing, I try to now buy clothes with the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in my time, like I used to high end shit, I would like go to bird offs and you know, selfish or really is all about going to like certain stores and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was, I was actually a lucky motherfucker to get the opportunity to work registry. And registry in jail is like the best job you could possibly get. What is it? Registry is when people come in to get registered. There's only two people who can work the job. So I got lucky and ended up getting a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do some rap shit too, that's just a long story, whatever. Really? But I got the job working in registry, and what that mean is when people come in to get registered, you just the person down there helping the police, you know, if they tell you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give him some greens, go get him something, you know? Oh, so that's the cops? You the motherfucker that passed out the sandwiches and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta go down to the register area to go to court. Most of the people in the county jail are people fighting cases. They ain't really got they time yet. So they do it to go through the process. You're basically held before you go. Unless you already got time and you're doing time there. You can't do more than a year in the county jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, a couple girls got time where they was in the county, then you wouldn't see them no more cause they not coming back down. But we'll be writing each other little freaky letters and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But once you get to jailin', once you get used to this shit, I ain't gonna lie man, it was probably some of the funniest times I've ever had in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, I can't think, I can't, I can't thank the world for that experience, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ain't saying I liked anything about jail, cause I would never want to go back. But!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like the guy that sold the cigarettes in jail, even though I didn't sell any cigarettes. I shut that shit down, I just smoked them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every now and then we get raided and get caught. And what you do is, it's terrible. You take baby powder and put it in the sock and you just beat the walls and everywhere and you wake up in the morning looking like a fucking cocaine castle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? But, uh, yeaah, and, oh, you spray bleach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funniest shit I've seen in jail was that motherfuckers, you can take a trash bag and put it over your toilet and like plunge all the water out and then you just yell through the bowl and motherfuckers will yell back because motherfuckers did it to our other floors. What? It's like the dating chat line of jail. Really? You can meet bitches and everything like, what's up? What's poppin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got to a beef one time because for some reason this motherfucker like bananas and shit. You know what I'm saying? So, you know, when you work in like registry and shit, you get put in oranges, that's when you get a job. You kind of got more access to food than like a normal inmate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The rule is, ain't nothing happening once we lock down, so whatever you got to do, do that shit before we lock down. So you gotta take a shit, I'm out here watching TV somewhere, you're in the room taking a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So with me, when commissary, you only could spend a hundred dollars, like a week or some shit. So I was more so the socks, drawers, t-shirt buying motherfucker, which damn near would kill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's to the point where I would stack up so many, like, dirty socks and t-shirts and trousers. Motherfuckers would take them from me. Like, I'd take them and wash them and wear them themselves. It's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh motherfuckers like making, oh well me, I had a cool guy from Southwest that made, uhm, burritos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you lay that out then you put like the crushed Doritos and you chop up like slim gems and beef sticks and cheese sticks and all that shit and you put it together and you roll it up like a burrito then you put it under the hot water. You just let the hot water run and then it melts it all together. So those shit was kind of fiery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they crunch up barbeque chips and you put boiled eggs in it. And you shake them up. And you shake them up. I mean you poured it out. It's like a, it's like happy Easter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think most of them I've worked with already, some sense, but I guess, nah, I wouldn't say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm kind of, well, I can't really talk about that. That kind of shit. But yeah, I guess. But RZA!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I definitely, I could get on some of his shit. Yeah. But I think, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and music is starting to, music is starting to be so uhm, kind of best way, like it's starting to be so computerized, I don't know how to say it, like it seems just so easy to make type shit, so I'm trying to do a more traditional back to making


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My deep, stuff like that, so I'm going back to doing stuff like that now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a little bit too much, man. See, that's easy. See, that's, that's only America, man. We take shit too serious, man. Hey, uhm, hi. How are you? What's your name? What's your pronoun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like literally yesterday, I was watching a motherfuckin' um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. You know what I'm saying? Like a certain place, like Texas is cool to be fat. I love those places cause I think that's where I want to retire. Like, Texas is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't be out here running around wow and keep you in check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like stamps, that's a big deal. Stamps and letter envelopes and shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know, that's the most fucked up thing, like, I hate that shit too, like uhm, when I drink sometimes, I black out sometimes, but be conscious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, like, my fingers all cut up now, and I woke up in my hotel room, and there's blood everywhere, there's glass everywhere, there's throw up everywhere, and I don't know what the fuck just happened, you know what I'm saying? So you wake up, you see any shit, and I was like, fuck, I need to get another drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I can't really have to like have a little something to go on stage. Like I get worried about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a show, I opened up for, um, Childish Gambino at Central Park. Wow. And I did a little mine. Whoa!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He peeking, you know what I'm saying? He looking out the curtains, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I always had my best sets. But I remember sprinting from the motherfucking stage to the porta potty. And like I said, when I went in there, somebody sprayed that motherfucker up already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got real sick in Europe. I don't know, man, I was just, and I had like maybe three weeks of shows left. I had to perform like every other night. I'm talking about where to be a day of me just like in bed, rap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I can't, I got a lot of stuff going on, I mean I just really finished my new album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] xdannyxbrownx at Twitter, Instagram, all my shit is xdannyxbrownx. Oh yea, Twitch. I'm mostly Twitching, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, okay. YMH will be right back!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just let me eat you, one time. Just let me eat you, one time. And you gonna, I guarantee you, you gonna, you gonna ask me to stay to your house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gonna, you gonna sleep for three days, my baby? Yeah. I'd like to sleep for three days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can show you what time it is. Sure enough, I tell you, they got a man up above. I can cook for you, clean up your house. You heard me? Listen, when you come home, baby, you just gotta jump in, ju- jump in the tub with all them bubbles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wanna be horny for two or three hours like you've never been in your life, you have access to marijuana too. Good weed. Listen to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, about an hour later when you feel it just kickin' in, smoke your weed down. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that's how they react when it's like, all the cute boys went home and guess who's left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one I forgot to mention, if you want a little tidbit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he soaked cotton balls in alcohol and then put them in his bum bum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He always wanted- All of humanity, he could bring himself to do it. He never, uh, was a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you look great, Josh. Thank you. Again, part of my rebranding. You know, I don't want everyone to be scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. This is all about love. I thought that, uh, I would share with you some of the best sex toys. Oh, wow. Cause it's the holidays. It's about to be Valentine's Day is coming. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to like, I don't know if you guys need maybe something in your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect time to prepare for Valentine's Day. I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, okay, so, uh, there should be one labeled For Her. Uh huh. I've picked, uh, For Her into For Him, my favorite, uh, of the year, if you will. Okay. And then we'll go on to a different category, but we'll start with For Her. Okay, here we go. So open it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the Bumpy Betty tongue vibe, and it is in the shape of a tongue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the special addition to the tongue that I thought, I mean we all like bumps on our tongues, right? Right, right. Like if we're gonna have a tongue in us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That could be the way that, maybe that's the extra added bonus for it, but it does make you curious, like hey, maybe I should try a gonorrhea tongue, because this one feels


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the, yes, now it's no longer dildos that are dicks, they also make them in tongue form. Because the tongue is the new dick everybody. Okay, nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In fact, before you play the, show the next image, often times you see, uh, apparatus that is like a strap on for the chin, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that way you can have a fake dick with a real tongue. Well...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one puts that on its head. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they wear, they wear down after use. You know, they become less, you know, they get sanded in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just the, it's just the look. I think it's the light hitting the nubs. They're probably very similar to the bumpy Betty tongue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's something that could be for him as well, I suppose you're right. But on the other one, you could even take that, turn it inward on yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, do we really need the armpit of the sex doll? Right. Right? And then storage? I don't know how to put it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, where do you keep a full woman? Right. True. So, this company has come up with a design that is way more efficient. Okay, let's look. Okay. Oh, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt, I mean like I said, where would you store a whole barrel? This is pretty hot. This is pretty hot. I would get this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They want to leave you wanting more, and so version 2.0, the next model will come fully furbished with a meal. Now, you mentioned the mouth and how creepy it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then cleaning it, yeaah. I never understood why- Did you ever try a flashlight out? Never, because I can't- I don't have enough, uh, mental strength to then clean my own jizz out of it and like put it in the dishwasher or whatever, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I, uh, I like the, the gist to disappear in some capacity, immediately almost, you know, whether... Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I say like that, where I feel like I'm like, oh I'm gross, I'm a gross person. Then when it's with a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting. I've never felt like shame about that kind of thing. It's always just been, like I said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, this can't be fun for her. You know, that kind of thing. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then after, if it's just masturbation, I'm just like, I'm gross. What about lately? Have you smashed lately, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No? It's been, that's, part of it is because I'm just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Living in the sewers of life right now, you know what I'm saying? Really? Yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've definitely, like, I walk the street at night, like. Really? Yeah, I like it. What are you doing? No, I'm just kidding, I don't. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's dangerous in LA. It is though, but no, I, I mean like, you know, you just ride the subway a lot. Yep. And you just, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm not in a world where there's women, I don't know where they are. I have to go to a club, I'm not gonna go there, you know? Yeah, no, you don't need to be at a club. I'm waiting to find them where I go. Do you ever do the online thing at all? Mmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's intuitive. It is intuitive, and I just don't have that ability. Well, here's the thing. If it was all faceless, I would crush. Because I can talk and text pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way to get in with those people is they have to swipe on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they just see what I look like and I'm like already coming from behind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not fuckin' Zac Efron here. In some of these chicks they- Why don't we just play the numbers though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swipe, that's what I do. I swipe right on everything, see what I get, and then I sort it out later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah. You didn't know that? I came in here specifically to look creepier than normal. No this show looks good. Oh I like it actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also fear maintaining, like, the putting up of heirs. Like, what if I regressed to my ability, my lack of abilities? No. And, you know what I'm saying? You're gonna be motivated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we could do that. That would be dope. Yeah. Yeah, I would love to see what I'm aiming wrong. My pickers are on for clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the, uh... Oh, you wanna go back, go back to the first image for one moment. You brought up the creepiest part here. Yes, this mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this might help you, uh, go to image 2 and this might change your mind about your, the accuracy of the mouth. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because it has an opening for your penis to enter, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't know how the doll teeth would become important. Maybe you just want that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bring up again, storage. Because this thing is what's great about this product.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I threw that one over there. It is the concubine breast stall, I believe is the name of it. Why concubine? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I know you two like the fancier things in life sometimes, so I thought, let's find some of the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sex toys to share with you. Oh, fancy toys. Yes, fan- the fanciest of toys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what's in this next folder. Please, I'm ready. Yes, so you can bring up the first one. Okay, here we go. Now this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a 100% authentic horsehair. Wow. Is this for real brony play? This is for, well, it depends on what you want. I mean, are you a brony? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This I don't think is up the Brony's alley. Cause it's black and it's silver and cold and, and, uh, it's not really the Brony speed. It's more if you want to be like, uh, Viggo Mortensen and Hidalgo or some shit. You know what I'm saying? Like it's a little more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's spiraled. It is made of actual silver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do we have a cost on this? I was gonna ask, would you like to guess?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going real high. Now this one is in the thousands, but it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three thousand? For this? For a fucking platform. Oh, you were doing hundreds?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the next item. What is this next item? This next item is the, uh, the Tally Ho chair. Uh huh. Should I bring it up? Oh yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck is this? What is that? You guys can't picture multiple ways to have sex on this Tally Ho chair? Well, this is the premiere sex chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, uh, I don't know what it's actually, I don't know the upholstery, but it is designed by Mark Brazier Jones, who does furniture, I'm sure you've heard of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So people purchase these and they have sex in various positions that you can't have in a bed apparently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perhaps your mind will change when you'll know that this is the actual sex chair from Fifty Shades of Grey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Retail price on that. Knowing that fact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not six figures. This is only the second highest priced item that I have, so hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't. Oh, the finest of, oh, the finest of sex chairs, uh, it is made, that is snake. Oh, so that's snake skin. Snake skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this is only the second tiered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's four Kegel exercises, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you'll change your mind after you'll know that these are made out of solid gold. And, not only that, the creators guarantee that you will not get them stuck inside your body. How?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yea. And you can do it for a mere price of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get on Instagram, be like, got my 20 grand pussy balls here from my kegels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you can wait even longer and then when you pass on the lawyers reading your son the will. There you go. Even better. And he said, your mother and father left you nothing except these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the Clippers are in town too, so I mean. Now this final item, my lord.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now this one is definitely something that you'll want to invest in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, leave to your children for generations to come. This is the King J Cobra cock ring. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a cock ring? That is a cock ring. It takes over 100 man hours to craft. What?!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, a hundred percent. And it gives you energy having that snake on your cock. Energy that you can't even quantify with things like money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Now, if only you found out the price of it. Hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this probably a custom piece?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100 man hours takes a lot so you would have to order it and probably give them the dimensions of your penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you'd have to change the, uh, species of snake for, depending on the dong, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The 100 Man Hours, dog. Look at that craftsmanship. I know. And the materials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, actually. No? Yeah, no. Really? That's why I think I am the way I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just there weren't a ton of Afghans, I mean growing up some, you know, other, when I would see other Afghans and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he finish university here? No, he did it, yea, he studied here in America. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looks good. Yeah. So then they head out to Seattle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like sometimes, sometimes you'll catch, uh, like my parents or aunts and stuff will watch like a Bollywood satellite channel. So you get to see like little snips of Bollywood videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Upringing. No, my parents are pretty chill. I mean, obviously culturally I do have that background and baggage a little bit. It's tough when we were talking about it outside how when you're first generation, you kind of have the burden of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, my mom would pray every, every now and then and stuff, but they would instill, they would kind of, now that I'm an adult, I kind of realized it was just sort of like rocket fuel that they give their kids, like, alright, I did my part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I just like how that, he was good with that. Like once the keys hit my head, he wasn't angry anymore. He was like, alright. Satisfied?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, the keys to the head? I was old enough to handle it. No, I know, but I mean, him being that upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bought a wedge off Amazon, you know that like multi-layer? Do you golf? No, but I just, I go to the range sometimes. It's basically a batting cage for adults.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've only gotten one ticket in my whole life. Really? Yeah. And it was in like, it was like the short drive to get to my parents house in the development. It's such the lamest ticket too. But I did a deferral, you know what that is where.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was probably doing like 30 and a 25, but he made it sound like I was doing... I got a 7 over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think when we were brainstorming as to what to call the group, we were just kind of free associating and then somebody said goat? What if it's just like a goat's face? And then the pun came up like goat face killers and that made us laugh a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, well that's not what we were thinking about, but it was pretty much the pun, and then killers got lopped off, and we just, we stuck with Guts Rays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I watch a show called goat fuckers. Yeah. What about goat fucker yourself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, so what happened was like, I mean, the genesis of it was, I started doing stand-up in Seattle, so I was doing it for four years out there while I was getting my degree. I was doing mechanical engineering at U-Dub. God, mechanical engineering. Yea, mechanical. Jesus Christ. The thing is, my parents, like, I wanted to do theater and shit and like all this, because I knew I wanted to do this type of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you're young, you're like, oh, okay, I need a theater degree. You're just dumb as shit, you know what I mean? You go, okay, I need a theater degree to do that. And then luckily my dad is like, if I'm paying for college, I'm not, I'm not going to pay for a theater degree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I go, so I kept on getting more and more watered down. I was like, okay, what about an English degree? And he's like, no, I'm not gonna pay for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he would pony up for engineering. And then I was like, what type of engineering should I do? And my best friend across the street was doing mechanical. So like I'll do mechanical. I'll get to hang out with my friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More around the university, so I chose mechanical. I just wanted to be out in four years. I didn't want to find myself, cause I knew I was trying to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's always a means to an end. So I was like, let me just, you know, just suck it up, get the degree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell people all the time, they're like, that's what I should do. I'm like, no, don't do that. I mean, you can't. Like, having perspective, it's crazy to think, like, I would drive up from Long Beach almost every night after work to do, like, my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, when you move from a smaller market, because I was doing well in Seattle, you can get up and you're kind of somebody in that market scene, but eventually you gotta leave. And when you go to a saturated place like New York or LA,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is an outlet. And so I had this YouTube channel called Slezdog2000 and I would just put videos up on there while I was doing standup around town and then my buddy Aristotle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who went to USC film school and he has a really, he's a talented director and comedian as well. We became friends and he liked the videos I was doing. We teamed up. Some of them went viral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we decided to, to add Hassan and Asif. Cause it's more of an angle. Cause me and him, it's not really a statement. I'm Afghan. He's half Greek, half Iranian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've always found, just in terms of comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My sensibilities are very American, but I do have that gear. It's always funny first, brown second, like that's, that's the second part of my identity. Do you find some brown and foreign people, uh, being disappointed? Sometimes, cause on the com- here's what's kind of annoying, like uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, save my background, say I'm Afghan, and sometimes I get these messages back in the day, and sometimes still now, they're like, yo, come to my university, my MSA, like it's a Muslim student organization, come do our event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know that if I did that event, they would not like what I do. They have an idea of what I do or they just see a skin and comedy and they add this equation. And I just know if I were to do that event, I would, they would regret it. I agree. And then I do comedy or I would have to bend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To make everyone happy. So it's just not a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think just foreigners, whenever, they kind of, they want you to do the inside joke, which is like, talk about the Middle Eastern, or like Persians want you to talk about Persians. Of course, everyone likes. But it's such a shallow ceiling. It's such a quick hit. Whereas if you have someone who's like doing well on the mainstream level,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then also I found the, like the brown people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what the better term is, but like the brown people will, they'll fuck with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once you get on the mainstream, they'll be like, yeah, that's my boy. But it's very hard on the, there's a select few and it's great. Like there's nothing more I love than Afghan fans on the come up who actually liked what I did for what it was in our kind of seeing what's happening now instead of just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And because there's a pipeline directly to the people nowadays, you can't deny it and now they want to get on, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedy Central, Goat Face, Fahim Anwar, here's a clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got a lot of flack over that one, but I fell on the sword for that. I go, we're airing this? Yeah. Or I walk. Yeah. Good job. Yeah. So I walked away from the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they rated, didn't he have tons of hard drive of porn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are telling me, yeaah. Where do you think they actually? Northridge? Yeaah. Cause we did, we did, uh, I did that Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, that Tina Fey movie, and we did it in New Mexico. And so New Mexico doubles for Afghanistan, I guess. Oh yeaah, they're shooting everything in New Mexico. It was in Albuquerque and Santa Fe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's alright. I mean, I'm not a huge fan. I know of him. Is he still like really big or is it all about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you value your time over like 50 bucks? I do. Those people don't. Huh. And what about Cyber Monday? Just have it delivered to your house? Right. Am I gonna hit a thing? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do you think this is? Yeah, attorneys are very expensive. I'm gonna guess Ross. Uhm, Ross is probably a good guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well that's not even there anymore, huh? Look at the detective here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Toys R Us? Gone. Toys R Us is gone. That's a bummer. That hurts. Cause I remember that was such a big part of my life. Me too. I remember I would get such a rush from going to Toys R Us and picking a Nintendo game. Do you remember like they would have it right there and they would like get it for you? You'll never experience that again. It's just weird. There's like things about being older where technology advances.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like even buying a CD, remember you would go into Circuit City or Best Buy or Future Shop or, and you'd have to walk by washing machines and shit to actually get a CD.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for like the new releases? New releases, yea. But in hindsight, you can understand why the music industry was kind of fucked because they were just bilking us for so long. CDs are what, 17, 20, 21 bucks and there's three good songs on it? Oh my god. Now we pay what, like 10 bucks a month for Spotify? Yea. Every song in the universe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well sometimes logistically they're just sort of like, it's like when a 13 year old girl says marry me Bieber or whatever. Oh right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, you live too far away. Also, I've thought about this too, like as you get older, like in your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In your 20s, like, you'll, you'll chase a girl everywhere. They'll be like, hey, we're at this, we're at this bar, come here. And you go, okay, we're in Riverside, alright, I'm on my way. Like, you just follow them everywhere. You don't think about anything. And then when you get older, you just kind of like, you can do the math. Where they're like, hey, we're at this bar. And then you're like, okay, it's 130.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's from out of town, she's with four of her friends, like, you can just crunch the numbers, and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He thought that was like a hot bar right there, like a girl's gonna be like, damn, a telescope? Telescope? That's sexy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would it be? Uh, it's like rice and meat based, I would guess. Sort of, uh, if I had to say what it is. Yeah, maybe like chicken and rice, or like lamb and rice, beef, kind of like a korma, which is kind of like, um, like a curry. There you go. Perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got a lot of cascading water, so although you visually can't see all the, it's, it's working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The video, I don't know how to dig it up, but there's this like little kid on a bike, he's like learning how to ride a bike for the first time, and he's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa! Whoa! And then he's like, there's a tree right there, and he goes-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he hits the tree and falls down. It's the funniest shit. I laughed so hard at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does he have this large of an audience? Oh. Oh. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I think- As a comedian, when you watch this stuff and you see people busting up in the crowd,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's tough between the screaming guy and this last one with the mustache. As the worst. I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drumming, you don't have to look at them, you know what a drum sounds like, it's very passive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is really hard. Because I didn't see him go that violent on the drum and that's really annoying. I thought it was just sort of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think middle guy definitely I can't do. That's just too grating. The voice guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So pants you can handle, but like, shoes are too gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was teaming up with Neil, you know, I was opening for him on his tour. Oh yea, how'd it go? His Here We Go tour. Good. We took November off, so we're back on December. I think we're doing LA, Denver, and San Diego and Arizona. Alright. Yea. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm just like around LA. I don't have anything on the books yet, but I think the promo goat face, I might get some road dates set up. Great, great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedy Central? Comedy Central, uhm, 10pm, November 27th. Wonderful. Yeaah. And then I have a special called There's No Business Like Show Business. Comedy Central licensed it, so I think you can watch it for free on their website. And it's also on Amazon Prime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's good. I did have a podcast too called He-Man or Dance Hour, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, like, one of the first times we chatted, uhm, was in the, like, backstage of the main room of the comedy store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you were in your space, I didn't want to bother you, and you were like, oh, I saw, I saw, I don't dance, that Brent Weinbach short film. And you were really into it, and that was really cool for me. Cause I didn't, you don't know who watches what, and then that came your way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on Vimeo. Yea, it's called I Don't Dance. I love Brent. He's just such a weird comedy brain. He is, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry about that. Just want to say that I've been up for about three or four hours today. Really going full Toronto. Thinking about you. So open up your heart and I hope to hear from you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I'm half asleep on the couch. You disappointed. You got me wrapped around your finger. Cute. But that's all you're getting. I'm exhausted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I'm half asleep on the couch. You disappointed. You got me wrapped around your finger. Cute. But that's all you're getting. I'm exhausted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful you are to me. I mean, just, you're gorgeous, you're precious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been sitting in my mind when you said to me you want to go back with your ex boyfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know because I've been there and I understand when, you know, you're trying to find somebody and you go on dates and nothing compares to your ex. But there is that better person out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is the type of guy you're getting. I'm a very handy guy. It's almost here. I'd love to build you whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want you to know that. Okay? I look forward to going out to dinner with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, let's make it happen. Muah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man motherfucker with clown look. I'm just playing it from Florida. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boop, boop, man, mothafucka, big clown, look. I'm just playing it from Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just playing up in Florida. Uhm, I'm looking for my queens, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just need some mad motherfuckin' wicked juggalette love, you know what I'm sayin'? Hit me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. Alright. Guys, if you do your shopping, uh, on Amazon, use our


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so weird and uh, yeaah, I was so like, what dude? So, yeaah, that was the only weird thing. It was so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I'm trying to think of words for punch. It'll come to us. Keep it in your mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty crazy. Did you have to do anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Or just when we're with the kids, I think. That's what bothers me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's my picture. Wait, I wanna see a picture of this tour bus and not the outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause your body language was so sad. Dude, the best one was the Rogaine one. That was a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was so bombed, I would love, I love tacoing a cheeseburger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's a lot of, it's pretty accurate. Yeah. Especially that big right nut he has. Do you have a big right one? I have one that's big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was drunk at an airport and I'm fucking sweating now. I was drunk at an airport and I was like, I bet I could go fucking vegan. And they were like, you couldn't go vegan. I go, yeah, I can do whatever I put my mind to. And so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then lunch comes around and I go, what do you, do you have meat and pasta? I go, is there any cheese on the pasta? And she goes, no. I said, is there any meat on the pasta? She goes, no. I said, I'll go with the pasta. So the guy next to me is kind of watching me. He gets the meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, really? I said yea, he goes, you know there's egg in pasta, right? And I go, I didn't know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my stomach, okay, so after three days of going vegan, my stomach got really kind of, uh, not as toxic as it's been. Like all my shit's come out, back of the bowl, up under the toilet seat. I know what you're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so uhm. But I mean, that's like his regular morning. Right. Yea, that's like Tuesday. Yea. That's not like a Monday morning shit. Right. That's Tuesday. And so I go and uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I start, I go right out of veganism into, uh, Rektec sent me a travel smoker, so I go right out of veganism into a fucking brisket. And it just fucked my stomach up. Big time. Yea, I just wolfed like, like animals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right after my Tampa show, me and Cowhead, Dave Williamson, and Fez Watley sat back just eating brisket. And then the next day, I was just shitting like crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did bottomless mimosas when I landed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, did bottomless mimosas until like 4 o'clock, went to sleep at 4 o'clock, show wasn't until 10.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. Yeah, and so my stomach was just wrecked and then the next morning we woke up. I don't know what I ate or drank that night, but the next morning we woke up and I thought it was a fart and it just shit onto my butt cheeks and then had to carry it into the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, like one of those egg spoon races in the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She didn't know. She didn't know. She didn't know. I shit my pants right before I went on stage in Fort Lauderdale and my cameraman was following me and I shit my pants right before I went on stage and then it was fire coming out of my ass. Fire. You know like, you know when you eat spicy food and your lips get hot? Yea. That was happening to my asshole and so I shoved an ice cube up there


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Dallas, Texas. Kristella Alonso is supposed to go and do 20 minutes and all she could do was like 7. When? I don't know, this was a long time ago. And so she does 7 minutes and I'm shitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, hold on a second, now that we're talking about this, in Kentucky, in Louisville,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the reason I put an ice cube up my ass cause he shoves wads, plugs of toilet paper up his asshole to stop the blood from coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When those ones happen, it's so easy to clean up. Just real quick, spit on the toilet paper, wipe your ass, I'm out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dry it, spit on your toilet paper. Hold on, you know, let me tell you how to do it. Spit on your toilet paper right on your finger, right where your finger is on the toilet paper, right? Right. A nice thing. And then just take it, it's just one wipe. You're not going back and forth. Just one wipe gently to just kinda, just get everything off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I'm very certain about that. No. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, that new truck we got, she was not wanting to get it. Oh, it's too expensive. It's so silly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she got it and she goes, this is my favorite thing we've ever owned ever. I love it. She goes, I really feel like I'm driving around in luxury and I'm driving so much, picking up George at softball and eyelet school, play, practice and whatnot. She goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have a low threshold for reward, I'll give you that. But, but guys who deserve treats that don't get them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's just making your treats onto like a sliding scale of what you can afford. I've been treating myself my whole life. Like I said, I definitely think I earn treats when I don't earn them. But my treats have never, they haven't gotten outrageous. It's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A new car. Like, why not have a new car? We had a car that was 10 years old and was breaking down. Like, Liam broke down on Ventura. I go, what the fuck? We can't afford a new car. Let's treat ourselves. You know? Tommy's captain treat over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I went to Tiffany's and I bought Leanna a necklace. Not super expensive, but it's just a nice necklace. It's nice of you, man. And she, as soon as she saw it, she went, why, why, oh, I like it, it's really nice. Enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We looked at one. Yeaah. Yeaah. It was a little out of our price range. But I thought, I thought, you know, roll the dice on life now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was at the foot of Freyman Canyon. Uh huh. I can tell you the ad. I probably should tell you the ad. No, not on the internet. It was at the foot of Freyman Canyon. It had, uh, it was really nice. It was an old house. It was part of a compound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So all the houses around it was like, secluded, you couldn't get, you couldn't see it. That's cool. But uh, it was- But I wanna make-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, poor, poor Georgia and Isla, didn't even ask and I talked about their periods on, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, pull up, hang on, no, hit pause, hit pause. Yea, pull up the one that's titled Bird is a Racist MP4. I'm dying to see this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I almost got one to fly me home from Vegas yesterday, but it was $6,000 and I can't write my head, I write my head around that. Yeah. Like I was like, I was like, I thought it would be like, I literally thought it would be like two grand. And I was like, I can do that. I can, I can just go like, fuck it. I had a bad night at Xeno because I didn't gamble much. Yeah. Uhm, but yeah, I can't, I don't know. I'm never going to be able to be able to do that, I don't think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm so much healthier on this fucking bus than I've ever been, ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's great because here's what we know, I was trying to figure out like why I'm not getting hungover and I'm not getting fucking super wasted at night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's because you're going to the tour bus and drinking. It's kinda like drinking at your house. And so then you go, I'm tired, I'm going to bed. As opposed to what would normally happen on the road is you go, you're at the club and then everyone ends up at a bar and then you're at a bar and everyone's like, alright, we're gonna go and you're like, one more, we should get one more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you get, well, you go back to your place, maybe open one there. And for here, you just get, like, you go, I'm going back to my room, and you just go to sleep. I love it. Are you sleeping better? I sleep fucking amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we have, I don't know what kind of mattress we have, but it's one of those, like, fits your body, like your Tempur-Pedic, it's kind of like a Lisa mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, do you shit in your tour bus? No. We don't shit in our tour bus. Can I tell you the invention I came up with? You made an invention? Yep. It's called a toilet condom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He shits on his bus. I would do a TV show based on tour buses. I'm obsessed with tour buses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I think mine's probably low end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna see what it's, I wouldn't mind splurging. In order to get mine, I had to have it for the whole three months. Yea, that makes sense. It's cause I wanted to wrap it, which might have been a miscalculation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's talk about the wraparound. It is such a burnt move. It is such, Joe said that to me last night. He goes, yeah, what's up with you fucking wrapping it? And that kind of like, I couldn't do that, man. I'm too low key. I go, yeah, I don't think I would do that again in the future. Although I know I now will cause it's dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, getting the face on it the first night, I realized it was, like there's people waiting outside the bus and you're trying to get in the venue. And I was like, oh, this is a horrible fucking idea. And then knowing that people know that that's where you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I wasn't comfortable. Then, by the time we got to Tampa recently, in Atlanta, I loved it. I was like, well it started being like people were taking pictures of them outside the bus, and I thought that was cool. Like people would rip their shirts off and take pictures outside it, and I was like, oh that's awesome. And then, uh. You can never wear a shirt again. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says, uh, gator belts, patty melts, El Dorados, Monte Carlos and El Dorados. It's from the beginning, it's fresh, so fresh and so clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. Yeah, yeah. Some people don't get the joke. That's what kills me about it. It's like, some people get the joke and it's funny. Some people really don't have a sense of humor. It's like, it's almost like watching Lenny from A Mice and Men play with animals. They're like, uuuh. And then you're just like, oh man, you're not doing this right at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone, uh, painted a picture of Outkast and they're like, hey, I made this poster for your boss. And so I had to, the only place I have it is I have a big picture of Outkast above my bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not even close. No, no. But put a beard on him. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last night, Annie Letterman goes, uh, she touches my belly and she goes, oh yea, that's right, I forgot you were fat. She goes, but you're like hard fat. Tom's like a soft fat, right? Yea, she's right. He's a gentle fat. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had Dennis off on my podcast. You did? It was a long time ago. Did you really? When it was just me, doing all the audio and stuff. So I bring him to the podcast. I start the podcast. He brings a girl with him. And the first thing he says is, show him your pussy. What? On my couch. Like she like took her pussy out on my couch. And I'm like, this is a leather couch. Like, you're gonna fucking ruin the leather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, by the way, hold on, I have to, okay, we're gonna make fun of this, but I have to say at the very beginning, he's put in amazing fucking work to get where he is. Of course. So I can't, I'm not like, I'm gonna, we're gonna make jokes about it, I'm sure, but like, I am so impressed with this guy's fucking mindset. Okay. You don't know anything about this Van Science guy? No. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think it goes to Sober October. It goes to Sober October.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He started his weight loss journey right in November, I think a full year ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, or more, more than a year ago now, but uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said on the podcast, I said I could run a marathon in under five hours, which I didn't. I ran it in 533, but in building up to the marathon, I ran a half marathon. And Vance Hines listened to the Sober October, listened to the Fat Shaming, listened to all that, but he saw me run the half marathon and then literally was like, well fuck, if Burt can do that, I can do something. And so he started trying to work out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was 475 pounds, and today he's like 2, 259.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then he came and did my podcast with Diamond Dallas Page in Atlanta at the Tabernacle. By the way, fucking Tabernacle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awesome. It's the greatest venue in the entire world. Did you know that was a white church? Yea, it was a Baptist church. It was a white church? I thought it was an old black church. No, I didn't know that part. I just knew it was Baptist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I said to them, I go, so this used to be an old black church? And they go, no. I said, what do you mean? They go, it was a white church. And I was like, well, it's the Tabernacle. And they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what part of the 1900s do you think they let black people come in here? And I went, oh yeah. And they go, have you seen Martin Luther King's church? It's like a box. You think they had this one too, and Martin Luther King chose to preach in a box? And I was like, oh, I never even realized that. And they're like, yeah, this was primarily filled with racist white people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that makes this venue very different for me in my heart. And so uhm, I came out wrong. And so, but uh, but Vance Hines in Diamond Dallas Page comes in, uh, and he's like, race to 200. Let's see if you can get to 200 first. And I was like, I'm never gonna fucking catch you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I weighed in this morning on my withings app. I don't look at it, it just registers to my phone. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a withings app on my, I have a withings scale on my bus and on my house.