[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rook's fine, said Bodega, standing and extending his hand to Merble. Sir, I believe we had a deal, he said calmly. Merble, trembling with disbelief, reached out and shook Bodega's hand. Y-y-you're excused, Codep- Codep Bodega, he mumbled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Odega turned to his former classmates. Been a pleasure, boys. See you at Chao. And with that, he strode back towards the barracks, where, with the rest of his squad absent, he would spend his newly found free time masturbating furiously. The end.


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[Assistant] We're gonna have to do it. Data! Data! Get me the scalpel data! Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with my genitals? Geez! You know, like, that's her role.


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[Assistant] Not to have a fucking whole, you know, family lineage thing where she has to go back.


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[Assistant] But it's actually really nice, and uh, we've never been here before. We've done a lot of holidays in Kent, because we can just drive there, and it's easier with the kids and all that. And we take my mum away, because she's on her own, so she doesn't get away much.


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[Assistant] This dog has given me more stress than any animal has any right to over the last, uh,


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[Assistant] Uh, his name is Chewbacca, right? So we have to call him Chewie. Right. Because, you know, that's what the previous owners named him. So he's called Chewie, which is kind of ridiculous. Yes. Uh, and he's like a tiny ball of fluff because he's half Pomeranian.


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[Assistant] He is very stupid, uhm, he's completely disobedient, he has bitten me multiple times, he lunges at you barking and snout growling.


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[Assistant] And it's not even predictable. So you'll be walking along and he'll look at you no problem. Another time you'll walk in the exact same way and this time he'll go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The children, but then at other times, he like, loves them and follows them around the house like a pet, so...


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[Assistant] They also, they're so low effort pets, like you don't really need to do anything. So it suits people who don't really want responsibilities or have enough responsibilities and just want a nice,


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[Assistant] It was good. Uhm, it was very good. Uhm, there were some issues, but they were not related to the fact that this was in Birmingham. What the issues were, the tournament structure was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Poorly designed at the last minute to squeeze a bunch of games and teams into a very short tournament.


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[Assistant] It was very strange. All the best, a lot of the best teams got knocked out very early on. So teams that people really wanted to see were out before the main stage even happened. Wow. Wow. So that was kind of fucked up.


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[Assistant] And then it was only, there were only two best of threes a day on the main stage, which was also very strange because normally you'd have like a much longer day with more games. So we didn't start till like 2pm.


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[Assistant] Was when this, yeaah, so we got up at like, got up whenever, call time was like nearly midday, we'd roll in, you'd have lunch, and then you're basically waiting around until 2pm, it was crazy. And we'd be done by 6 or 7, so I mean, from a purely lazy bastard point of view, best event ever, right? And there's hardly any work.


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[Assistant] Not so with this dog. This dog was just like, following and chasing her, snapping at her heels, like he was not gonna quit. So she was like, fuck this, and she left. And then she crept back in, and he saw her again, freezes for like a pico second, and then like a bullet he's at her.


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[Assistant] So she was like, fuck this, and she left again, and we've hardly seen her, she basically moved out, and in the evening she creeps back in, and if he's not downstairs, she'll sleep downstairs, but I'm thinking...


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[Assistant] Right? Like eventually he'll get there. Like he has a cat in his house. So my mum's had this dog for a few months now, and he still goes for this cat, like even now. This is weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks. No matter how much he's screaming at him, he just, it doesn't matter. He still goes for it.


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[Assistant] Because he's had four owners in like two years, so he's got no respect for authority, if you like. Uhm, and I think he thinks he's in charge.


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[Assistant] She lives in the back, I mean she's not a wandering cat, she's not. So we've got a shed, our neighbor's shed out the back and she basically lives on top of there and you know, creeps in occasionally. I mean I'm sure she's found some other house where they'll feed her, but she's a very


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[Assistant] No, well the dog, like we had one of my daughters had a sleepover and her friend came over, her best friend, very sweet girl, nervous around dogs, moment she comes in, what do you think the dog does? He's like, you guys have played Darkest Dungeon, right?


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[Assistant] So you know the way some of the guys have a move where it's an attack move where they move forward too and sort of stun someone, right? Yeah. Or put a bleed effect on them. That's what this dog is like. Like the moment I saw this move...


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[Assistant] But uh, I've yet to actually strike the dog, which I think, I think that's the worst thing you can do. But I think shouting at him is definitely a worthy, worthy cause.


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[Assistant] And then making a diss. It always makes me think of game dev tycoon, when you've re- you've unlocked day night cycles, open world, and MMO, and you can now combine several genres, so they're doing that, and uh, it's like, I know what Star Games is gonna give this a 6 out of 10.


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[Assistant] I really like Slay This Fire, but I played that so much that I streamed it a lot and then I was like, I wanna play something...


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[Assistant] That game to be good. Like I'm really putting up, cause Witcher 3 was a game that I absolutely fucking adored. One of the best games. I rarely finish games. I loved that game. And I really hope that the new, uh, Cyberpunk one is good. That would be super hype. I'm sure it'll be pretty good.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, that's what I like about Rimworld is you can play a fairly standard game of Rimworld. Yeaah. But I like steady, steady growth, but I also like random stuff that kind of doesn't, it's not devastating, but it changes the story.


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[Assistant] He's just eating raw human meat. I had a colony we had, we had a few people join at once.


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[Assistant] I'm disappointed. Did you guys ever play a game called Jagged Alliance? No. Yes. So it's like, it's like RTS, right? It's a turn-based, sort of vaguely isometric, top-down kind of, this is Jagged Alliance 2, which is the one that was actually really, really good. It's set on an island. You have to,


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[Assistant] And uhm, you guys get the skills leveled up by, by fighting and stuff like that. There, there's, I haven't played a game that isn't just set in modern day with pretty basic guns. Like you guys might just start with like a 38 revolver and they're kinda crap.


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[Assistant] And you have to hire these mercenaries and sometimes they die and all the rest of it. It's uhm, it's really good. Like I don't know why no one's made a game like that. They're always-


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[Assistant] It's pretty old. I'm sure it's on Steam. Let me have a look if it's on Steam, actually.


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[Assistant] Twilight Struggle? Is it Twilight Struggle? I think it might be Twilight Struggle. It's a Cold War card driven strategy game. Anyway, there's a whole bunch of these. I was thinking, you know, a lot of these games that


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[Assistant] With board games. So you'd have to get your mates around and you'd have to spend the weekend- Like, risk! Well, no, I'm talking, I'm talking like risk times a thousand some of these games.


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[Assistant] Huge. And it was the same level of detail you'd see in something like Civ or Hearts of Iron, but you had to do it with paper.


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[Assistant] I told you about the time a guy did that on a busy train. I was coming back from, uh, York down to London and I was sat chatting to a couple of my friends. But they usually have, they usually like look to the side, right?


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[Assistant] She just nods, um, knowingly. She's like, oh. She would, luckily she wasn't there, but the people around us were looking at me like, what the fuck is this guy? Is he like a dick doctor or something? And he's like, and I wanted your number so I could have a huge penis. Yes, we can book you in next week for the re-beginning.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's just developing. Yeah, my daughter had her open day at nursery. Well, she had two. They do like two open days just to sort of like give them some exposure to where they're going to be spending a large portion of a year of their life sort of thing, right?


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[Assistant] Kids at that age are so reluctant to, to do anything when they're out of their comfort zone. So you sort of go and look at cool stuff and try to convince them to do the cool stuff and they're like, no, no.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they're weird. Yeah, they don't wanna, they don't really wanna do anything. They get, but the idea is they get exposed to it and then they get more used to it so it doesn't come as such a shock.


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[Assistant] When they're left there for the whole day come September, you know what I mean? I don't know if it actually works. That's the idea, but kids' minds are...


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[Assistant] That's the fake, the fake phone call to the tooth fairy is a good one too, or to anyone for that matter. Yea, that's true. You do the fake phone call to threaten them or to like get them excited about something or whatever.


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[Assistant] You're like a, like a, like some sort of weird landlord for fairies now.


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[Assistant] Man, the, uh, the fake phone call is, uh, is both a curse and a blessing though, because we use it quite often. Like we've used it, we've used it in terms of the, the tooth fairy before as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it a little bit like it worked once and then really well? Well it works all the time but it has side effects that sometimes you can't foresee and that's the problem. So like one that we use, the fake phone call.


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[Assistant] Fake phone call is usually like, uh, is usually part of the arsenal of trying to convince a child to do something that they don't want to do, right? Or you're just like, you're fed up.


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[Assistant] You're trying to get them to do something simple and they're not doing it. So you just bust out the-


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[Assistant] Well, I'm going to have to phone grandpa and we'll see what he has to say about this. And then they're like, no, no, no, no, no. Like, you know, they really don't want you to phone grandpa for whatever reason. Like I don't know why we even started using grandpa, but we just did. Okay. So.


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[Assistant] Every time, not every time, but like a lot of the time it's like, you know, if something's starting to like go a bit sour, you know, the mood is starting to change or there's like some, some sort of like reluctance to do something that we're trying to get them to do or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll, we'll occasionally bust out the, well, I'm gonna, I'll phone grandpa then. We'll just phone grandpa and we'll get him to fly all the way over here and then he'll have to do it and he will not be happy. And then the kids are like, oh, okay. Oh, I'll do it. I'll do it. Don't phone grandpa. I'll do it. Um, but now the problem is, is that sometimes when we FaceTime my parents and grandpa comes on,


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[Assistant] And then sort of like, like all the music and all the all the festivities stop and they just both turn around and like look at my dad and he's like


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[Assistant] So, so my, my advice is to you as a lawyer, one of the only ones on Jersey, uh, is be careful what tools you employ to, uh, to, to.


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[Assistant] That's nice. You know what we do? We just start eating.


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[Assistant] So my cousins, who I didn't really know super well growing up, but...


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[Assistant] Uhm, it was similar to like the threats that we use to phone grandpa. We used to get threatened with...


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[Assistant] Uh, what used to happen to my cousins, which was kind of weird, okay? Like, so if they didn't eat their dinner, right, my aunt would put


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[Assistant] And me and my brother just thought that, holy fuck that is just the weirdest fucking thing. So like, every once in a while we get threatened with like, cause you know what kids are like, you put a whole plate of food in front of them and they're like, there you go, and they like, you know,


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[Assistant] We're, we're like, we used to say, well, you're just going to have to have that for breakfast tomorrow if you don't eat it now. We were like, oh fuck, that is awful. Okay, I'll eat. You just like start, start eating this, this mountain of food just so you don't have to have it for breakfast. What a weird thing though. Like I would never dream of doing that.


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[Assistant] That's like, that's like when you used to do, when they used to do homeroom and they'd do attendance and they, and you'd have to say president. And there was always some clown who would say president and everybody would laugh. I don't know why it's not even remotely funny, but it was just, it was just, I guess like the, you know, the,


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[Assistant] It's like, you have to be really calm about it and not like get sort of like worked up or show any emotion around it or whatsoever. And often times I'll find I'm doing this like while I'm eating or something like that. Something where


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[Assistant] It looks like I'm just concentrating on something else, but I'm not really, you know, like I'm kind of eating. So like something will be kicking off or, you know, something will be going wrong or, you know, somebody will be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get told off or whatever and then it'll always come back to, what do you think about this daddy? I was like, oh, I'll tell you what I think about this. I'll be thinking long and hard about whether or not I want to buy toys next time we're at the toy store, for instance.


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[Assistant] And play ball here. It's like, well I'll remember that next time we're looking at fun stuff to buy on Amazon.co.uk. I'll really have to remember that one.


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[Assistant] That's another one where I'm just like, alright, well you got, you got about five minutes to tidy up all this stuff or else I'm gonna tidy it. And then they're like, oh shit. You see them scrambling around and starting to tidy and stuff because I just chuck it all in the garbage.


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[Assistant] It works and it's not like in, like in relation to what's happening. It's not that creepy, but.


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[Assistant] Is stuff that you probably, you know, tactics that you employ while you're, while you're parenting as well. But it's a lot more sinister when you're a serial killer and you've been...


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, cause I, cause the slow, oh god, if I hear something going on upstairs, I just, I just stomp up the stairs slowly, just so like people know that I'm coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but like shit like that works, right? But if you're a serial killer and you've got, you've abducted 10 people and they're in your dungeon and you do that fucking stomp down the stairs.


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[Assistant] Man, guaranteed they are gonna be shitting their pants. They're like, oh my fucking god, this guy's doing the slow stomp down the stairs, I haven't-


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[Assistant] It's gotta be, right? It's gotta be. Cause like, sometimes things that you're scared of as a kid, you grow up and you're like, why the fuck was I scared about that? But then if you just put like a little slant on you're like, oh fuck yeah, I am still scared about that.


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[Assistant] I used to, I used to imagine like, sometimes I'd be walking home at night, uh, from like a friend's house or whatever. And, uh, you know, like, night time is fucking really eerie. You can see why they use it so heavily, like, to build mood and stuff like that. Because it's just so fucking odd, isn't it? Like, you go out in the day, there's tons of people out.


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[Assistant] You know, the whole like, like the place you live is alive with people going out and about doing stuff. It's very hard to be scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's super sunny, alright, and you're in, you're in like a, uh, a field with, with tall grass, like tall, like, uh, you know, sort of, sort of grass. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're surrounded by trees, okay? So this is like a clearing, a big clearing in the forest, and it's like tall grass, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and you know, it's really hot and there's like, you can hear like the, you know, like hot bugs making their noise and stuff. And you can see, and there's birds and shit like that. It's like, it's like fairly quiet around you, but like it's not, you know, it's daytime so it feels like, you know, it's not, it's not so spooky or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're sort of looking around and you look and then in the middle of the field, just like quite far away, there's just a clown standing there staring at you like and grinning. Okay. And it's daytime.


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[Assistant] So like, so sometimes I'd be walking home at night or whatever on my way home and like I'd pass by like a sewer grate and you look at it and you're like, oh whatever, but then you think, fuck, like how creepy would it be if like all of a sudden it spoke to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's nighttime, and it's like, you know, like, hey there. You know, it's just a fucking sewer grate. You mean like in the movie, in the book, itch. And then maybe like some fucking eyes appear on it or something? Yeah, like you've seen it, right?


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[Assistant] Yeah, so like, you put like little slants on it, like something you're scared of when you're a kid, like, ah, I was like scared of like the dark or whatever, right? But I didn't know why, it was just dark, I was scared of it sort of thing. But then if you add like an element to the darkness,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As an adult, it can still scare the shit out of you, right? But like just the dark itself maybe doesn't scare you so much sort of thing. So it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you come out of the bathroom at the, like the top of the landing and you can look straight down. Right. And if it's like dark and stuff, it's like, I don't know, sometimes it's just really fucking terrifying. Like I look down and I'm like, oh fuck, just imagine like I'm just looking down my staircase, dark down there. And then somebody just fucking like appears at the bottom, you know, like comes from around the corner and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sure. Yeah, if you watch something that has like some suspense in it or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, that's the thing. I don't mind, I don't mind if things are disturbing or unsettling, but I don't like jump scares. I don't want to like be scared like just because you like have a loud sound that's like, you know, random or something like that. You know what I mean? I hate that. That is really annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, um, like psychological, like thrillers and stuff like that. You know, like I like stuff that is like a bit creepy, weird or unsettling. Yeah. Like that kind of stuff I really like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one with the little girl in a, in a dress with, uh, with, with hollow eyes appears at the top of ladders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, amnesia is the one, yea. And there's like some sort of weird fucking tentacle face thing in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is terrifying. Yeah, the mood and everything is super unsettling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people will love it. And also, I think it's amazing that it exists. Regardless of whether I like it or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's quite an accomplishment though to be able to create that sort of mood and setting and you know, like I was the same. I was playing it and I could feel like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I told you you'd get to that point. You'll get through like the good games and then you'll just be left with the rest of Steam basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, new shit. New shit every day is the way to describe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't, I'm not going to personally. I don't have any interest in playing it again. But the thing is, I think that people who are looking forward to playing it are A, people who didn't play it when it first came out because they were either too young or they just missed the boat or whatever and they want to have that experience which, you know, fair enough, cool, enjoy yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And be people who uhm, who think that they're gonna somehow be able to recreate the fun that they had in the original with the same people that they had fun with in the original, the community and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think, personally I don't think that's possible. I don't think, I think that the way that communities have sprung up around games and stuff like that have changed a lot since WoW. And WoW was a really big sort of like, um, jump starter for that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think that WoW works as well as it used to in that sense for the community and stuff. And especially with all the game systems that they've added in recently, like, or not so recently, like the quality of life stuff, you know, like Dungeon Finder and all that kind of stuff has sort of segregated off parts of the community as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not. It was great at the time. There was nothing else like it at the time and people were ready to have a game that sort of really, uh, encompassed all of your, your gaming and gave you a community of people to hang out with. I mean, like Goon Squad and everything was great back in the day. It was awesome. Everybody had a really fun time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody was having fun experiencing this new game and the new content and stuff, but like fucking 12 years later, I just want to do other things with my time. My life is not the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's it, but I think that's all it is. And I think if you're in it for that, cool, enjoy yourself. I think, you know, you might have fun doing it or whatever, but I know for sure I won't have fun doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do I do that? I think the wonder, the wonder of the game is gone. I remember like the first time I went to like, um, Locke Modan and stuff like that. I was like, oh, fuck, this is so cool. Like, I can't believe this looks really neat. And what are all these quests and stuff? That's all gone now. You know what I mean? Like I've been to these places a billion times, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even against my will, you know, when they try to crowbar quests in later on in the, in the life cycle of the game where they're like, you have to go back in time and go back to this place. You're like, fuck no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, people who are going to play it though, I hope you have a fun time and I hope it lives up to your expectations and, you know, I hope that it, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It scratches that itch for you, but I will not be there with you, I'm sorry. I'm just not gonna play it. You know, there's that, and the next thing that is coming out from Blizzard is Warcraft 3, like, remastered. So it's like two old games being brought back to life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, yeaah. Of course, yeaah. And I think, you know, there's reasons to be excited about it and stuff, but, and I would probably play


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The mods more than I would play the original game again, you know what I mean? Like I'm, I'm, I'm a big Warcraft fan and I always have been, but man, I just don't really want to play the old games again. You know what I mean? Like I've done, I've played them already. I've done them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many games out now as well that you could just be playing instead, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I'm just like a bit cynical or something, but I just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are, there are for sure people out there who love it and will really enjoy it and hope they have a great time. I think it'll be, I think it'll be good. If you're really looking forward to it and you're hyped for it and stuff, I think it'll be awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, but I, I personally am not. I don't, I don't know why. I feel like I should be. That's the weirdest thing, but I just, I'm just not. I can't really put my finger on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think maybe it's like, uh, maybe it's like a throwback to like the conversation we were having about creepy stuff. Maybe he's, maybe like he's been killed where he's sitting and we couldn't hear it because we were too busy talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I think honestly, I think he's fine. You know what? He's probably hit like the, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I make all these like editing cuts and stuff so that he can join the conversation after the fact?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we should take questions. I think taking questions could be fun. The problem with taking questions in my experience at a convention is that there's no real way to vet the good ones, right? So you will get people asking things like what your favorite type of cheese is and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, Flax, I just want to say, you were saying that, uh, when you think about Lewis, you think professionalism, but I think the way that you handled, uh, uh, an abrupt missing Lewis was also very professionally well done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you didn't even, you didn't even skip a beat. Yeah, you didn't lose your stride once. That's incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we have a chance to read the question. Wait, hang on a second, I need to hear about this. You had what last night? A leftover Indian. Oh, what, did you have to have it for your breakfast? Is that what happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. Okay, good. Good to know. Uhm, so, so we take questions from the audience, but they have to write them down, submit them, and then we somehow have to identify them in the audience. Because I think that the nice thing about asking a question in the audience is that you get your time, uh, like, you know, to shine in the audience as well, right? Like, we say this one is from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if somebody, what if somebody puts in a question, writes it down, and they're like, okay, we have a question here from Jerry. Jerry, are you out there? Okay, Jerry's got a question, go. And then Jerry gets the mic, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would trigger me so hard though, I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything. Like I have a fairly thick skin, but somebody yelling to me, you suck, is enough to set me off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck me. On the main stage? On the mythic stage? Is that what are we calling? How many stages are there at YoggCon? Three. Woah! Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, really? Oh, okay. Alright, okay, yeah, see you later. Yeah, okay, thanks, bye, bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My daughter refuses to eat her carrots and potatoes. Uhm, all she's done is, uh, is she's eaten her fake meat chicken nuggets. So, could you please put a picture of her up in the door so that she's not allowed into the toy store until I phone you back and let you know that she's eaten? Thank you very much. Okay, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She pretends to read. So like, we'll finish reading like a bedtime story or whatever. Maybe it's like, you know, Mr. Men, you know, like Mr. Happy or Mr. Tickle or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then she's like, can I take that book with me? I'm like, yeah, of course you can. So she goes downstairs cause she, she usually like falls asleep like on, on my wife's lap, like to go to bed sort of thing. So they, so they go downstairs. She takes the book with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so like my wife will say goodnight to my son or whatever and then I'll take my daughter downstairs to get her ready so that she can like have some milk and go to sleep or whatever and she always takes the book with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mr. Tickle was having a fun day. Like she always does it in this like really, really soft like quiet voice. She's like, and then Mr. Tickle tickled somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like this whole thing, like she goes like through each page and just invents what she thinks is happening based on like the picture, but she can't read. Fuck me, it's so funny. Every night, every night I'm just like around the corner like, like giggling and listening to this happening. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, are you going on holiday then? Oh, I'm going to Gibraltar. Yeah, I'm going to spend the week there. It's lovely and hot, you know, but they got, let's drive on the same side of the road as us. Oh no, do they, do they have the red post boxes? Oh yeah, they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exactly it. That's a good summary. I actually, when I came down to Bristol for Christmas, I bought the book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, cause I needed something to read, uhm, you know, when I was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not working with you guys, and it was in the hotel room. So I read it, and like, it's a real easy read. It's quite badly written. And oddly enough, I hadn't seen this done before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The book ends, and then there's like another 30, 40 odd pages, and you're like, what's all this? It must be like a fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like why on earth would you cheat me by selling me a book called Bird Box and then the last like 8th of the book ain't Bird Box, it's just some other shit. It's Bird Brained is what the last 8th of the book is. I first cheated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it's basically, uhm, the gist of it is that there are these creatures or something. We're not quite sure what. But if you look at them, you go crazy and either kill yourself or the people around you and then yourself, right? So there's something, some entity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that is out there, and if you see it, you go bonkers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if you look at video footage of them, you go nuts. Right. So the bird box is because they have a box with some birds in it, and the birds go choo choo choo choo choo choo, if something comes close. So they thought it would act as like a sort of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it is a little bit similar to the Quiet Place, uhm, or A Quiet Place, but uhm, but it's, it's different. A Quiet Place was a lot better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's similar-ish, I guess, in that it's like a family, end of the world, some monsters, but honestly, the book for Bird Box isn't great, it's like it's okay, and the film is pretty bad. Like, I don't know why it's so widely watched. I think this has got Sandra Bullock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's got a blindfold on and you're like, why is she wearing a blindfold? So you kind of watch it to see what's up. But it's, it's, I mean, it's pretty bad, honestly. And they, they missed out a lot of stuff that made the book actually quite good and creepy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just kind of garbs, but anyway. Uhm, so that was probably the last film I watched. I don't recommend it in all honesty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but actually, actually, the last film I did watch was True Sight, the new episode of True Sight. The, uh, the Dota movie, which is about, um, how...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there was a tournament there, uhm, and then after that I went to Copenhagen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, got back yesterday, and I was the co-host of the premiere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I had questions from the audience and stuff like that, and uh, yeaah, it was cool. That was what I did. And that was why there was that guy that posted that picture, I retweeted it, where he said, met pflax today, and it was like a reddit thread, and it wasn't it. It was just some motherfucking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I had been, that would have been a fucking funny picture, but no. But yeaah, so that was the last film that I watched. Uhm, and I, it was great, honestly, it was a really nice, Copenhagen's beautiful, hanging out with all the Valve guys is really cool, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The movie's amazing. Even if you don't like Dota, I recommend watching it. Uhm, it's really, really interesting to see the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Inside the booth during this game and see how the two teams talk to each other and what they say about the other teams and stuff. And for the key moments of the games, they've got these little source filmmaker clips that run to sort of explain what was happening and to show the action.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So rather than just show, rather than just always show the in-game action, sometimes they have these, these SFM movies, uh, and that's, that adds to the hype. It's really, really cool. It's really cool. So yeah, that was, that was worth it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I've got another thing that happened. Mrs. F watched Marie Kondo, or Mary Kondo, the tidying lady. She has a series on Netflix. So Mrs. F, when I first started going out with her, I went round to her house, so she would have been about 18, I would have been about 19.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did not. Her shit was loose. Let me tell you something. It was all over the fucking place. Don't spread that rumour around. But this was one fucking loosey goosey room, I'm telling you. And I was like, Jesus Christ. And generally speaking, I'm a pretty untidy person now. I've fallen into bad ways. I hoard shit. I've got like all stuff from when I was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 15, I've got CDs and DMD stuff and comics and stuff. I hate throwing stuff away. But she watches this series and now she's obsessed with Mary Kondo to the point where I came home


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this is it, cause here's the point, she's got the fucking kids doing it now. You know what I feel like she's converted to, like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jehovah's Witnesses or Scientology, she's getting all the fucking kids into it, she's telling all the people who come over to the house, have you watched Mary Kondo? I was like, if she fucking tries preaching to my ass, I'm gonna burn this place to the fucking ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I don't think there is. Here's what I think it is. The people that need that shit and benefit from it have some major psychoses going on somewhere, and the only way they can suppress it, unlike with alcohol,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have got a few things I really do give a shit about but it's just things like comics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if, cause I, a couple of years ago when I redid my office here, I bought these big shelving units that go in a garage normally. And I keep all my shit, let me just put my green screen down and I'll give you guys a quick inventory, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I've got all my best graphic novels and comics going back years. I've got DVDs for movies that I know are super hard to get hold of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got all my old Dungeons and Dragons and roleplaying books talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Third edition, talking GURPS, talking like original Dragon magazines, a copy of Starfleet Battles, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles role playing game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be annoying because I know that part of me thinks, what if I forgot things I had and didn't replace them? And then you realize, then that means I don't need them. Like if it's something where I wouldn't even notice if I lost it, would I, do I need it? But it's weird, the collection of things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like a proper old dude study. Like he smoked in there so it just smelt smoke all the time. But it was cool because it meant I could smoke in there when I went around to my friend's house. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it really was, it actually inspired me in many ways to become a really fusty, slightly smelly old man that sits in a room and smokes. In fact, I think in a way, that's what got me into streaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean there's some, there's some moral quandaries, there's some moral quandaries, because I had a girlfriend when I was like 11, and when I was like, you know, early years, 12, 13 and stuff like that, I had a girlfriend. It's morally very questionable for you to be a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, that's fucked up. So you'd have to be pretty chased. You'd have to be completely chased until you were like 16.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, in the, in the, in the movie Big, when the little kid became Tom Hanks, Tom Hanks got laid. Yeah. Right? And everyone was like, cool, she slept with a child. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep waving from the dock when I charge you with, uh, abusing a minor, bitch. Yea, that's right. The movie Big is kinda creepy. But in a weird way, I don't know, the way they presented it, I guess it's not. But if you think about it, a grown-up's brain in the body of a child, like, what is it, the vampire-less stats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's the, I think it was Kirsten Dunst when she was a child actor. She was in Vampire. Oh yea, she was a child actor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she was a, uh, old, she was like hundreds of years old. She was like, yeaah. She was like a young teen, but she was like hundreds of years old in the body of a child. And again, I'm just saying that people that are super into vampire shit, like that's, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pretty sure she was having sex in the book. But it's like, oh, it's okay, because she's an old person's brain in the body of a child. Like, no, that's not okay. No. Yeah, it's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that would be the Mary Kondo body swap movie, where a slobby 42 year old, aka me, swaps bodies and places with Mary Kondo. She's horribly disappointed with her situation. I'm just like, well, this is okay. This is the same!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well like, you know those fussy eater shows where the guy only eats cheese and onion crisps and shit like that? I would like it if the expert turns up and says, your diet is terrible. He's like, just try one of these crisps. It's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just eats a crisp, and then it just comes to a shot of them on the sofa, surrounded by piles of eaten cheese and onion crisp packets. Just watching Mary Coddow on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll only eat either chicken nuggets and chips or pasta. I was like, oh, what kind of sauce? Oh, no, no, just pasta like on its own. Nothing on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, yeaah. I'm like, well, you know, that kid's gonna be real hungry if he doesn't eat the food that I give him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, cause it ain't gonna stay, it's like a mound. Like if you go to McDonald's, by the time you get to your house, or wherever you're taking the burgers, they ain't hot, they're never hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, but it's honestly, I used to hate it. Once you've had kids, you never get to drink a cup of coffee to completion while it's hot anyway. Like you'll have a sip and you have to put it down and go and rescue someone or stop something happening or break up a fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you forget about it, you come back, you're like, oh, I never drank my coffee. But you've got so little time and so little energy, you ain't gonna make another one or reheat that shit. You just get used to drinking it cold, it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I love it, I love it, in America, they never do this in the UK, but not that I've seen, is the glass is frozen cold. You know what I mean? It's like a frost, it's almost like a frost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, it's about, uhm, it's a, it's a black and white movie, World War II, they have to make this journey across the desert to get to, I think, Alexandra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your honor, they wouldn't shut up about Mary fucking Condo!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's going to war. He's got a... He's got a headache. Bad toe. That bad toe ain't getting any better. You want to send a man into combat with a bad toe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, in parliament and they got cocaine swabs and they went to the toilets and swabbed the surfaces in the toilets to see if there was any cocaine and there was traces in four out of the nine bathrooms they tested there was cocaine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I got a few questions. First of all, I'm guessing it's probably not the MPs, it's like all the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, uh, I think coke is, I mean, I'm sure people do take speed, I know they do, like methamphetamine is what speed is, right? So crystal meth is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Serve me well. I'm cool with those. I don't feel like I need an additional jolt. But my dad told me that Coke is actually really, really fun. Like he said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this, but he said the problem is it like burns them out and as you take more and more you have to take more and more to get the same effect and eventually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if part of it is this life-changing experiences, that you have such a miserable time on your awakening journey, you think, you know what, my life is actually not that fucking bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His friend, his brother gets him a gift for the game, like a voucher offered by a company called Consumer Recreation Services.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And his brother says it'll change your life. And that's when the game kicks off. And uh, and it all goes nuts. So the setup there was a little wonky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love, I love putting an F on the end of few. Phew. Phew. Phew. Alright, do you want to know what happens? This is the end of the movie. He's running away for his life. There's troops after him, the CRS troops and all the rest of it. He's lost all his money. And, you know, he's gone. His life is over. I remember this movie. I saw this in the theater because it was like, yeah, well, whatever. We watched anything in those days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The troops are closing in, he's got a gun, he shoots his brother when his brother comes through the door on the roof with a bottle of champagne, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if he jumped ten feet over to the left? And he lands bang in the middle of this airbag. It was all this ridiculous setup. I hated it. The ending was so stupid. The whole movie was stupid, but that ending absolutely drove me up the fucking wall. It's like a Darren Brown thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is, yeah. Not on the toilet, but on the surfaces, so near the mirrors and all the rest of it. There's like a little shelf. You do it there. Or in the toilet because you can close it. Where else can you get fine privacy in public?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can do that for sure, but if you're doing a big line, you want something nice and flat, and if you put it on your hand, then you've got cocaine on your hand, you just take a little bit out of the little white envelope, this is, I only know this because I've seen it in movies, obviously. I've never done it, like I said, I really want to, but they take it out of the envelope, they tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Yeah, tap it out. And then you put it on, and then they go, aw man!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Membrano. Correct doctor, good diagnosis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if that's for seat cripple because they burnt out the veins in their arms and legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do they call it? Track marks, right? Yeah, it's got train tracks all up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The chemical going into your vein as often as they do it wears out the vein to the point where, I mean that's why they have circulation problems where you see a lot of older addicts missing fingers and toes and eventually feet and hands because their circulation, they fuck it by destroying their veins. This is grim topic for a trifle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the Soma. I think it was the 50s, but yeaah, Soma was the drug that they gave to those people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prescriptions, I'm not going to say legitimate prescriptions because I don't think most people need


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Opiate level painkillers for back pain. Like that needs to be so fucking serious for that to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, fuck it, if I was Patrick Stewart's age, I'd be doing whatever I wanted. He's rich, he's got, he's surrounded, I mean, I bet he could get some young poon tang if he wanted. He could just fucking beam it to his house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I'm trying to remember what team he's a fan of. Is it Sheffield United? Or is it Burnley? I can't remember what team he supports.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I googled my net worth and there's a picture of a guy, like a stock photo of a guy with his pockets turned out looking sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My middle name is not Joe. Isn't your first name Theodore as well?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Picture the guy with his pockets turned out, hands up, uuuh. My middle name is James, it's not Yosef. That's incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not even spelled Joseph, it's Yosef. J-O-S-E-F. Oh god. That's hilarious. You must have made that joke somewhere. No, I don't think I ever did. I don't know where they got this from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never, I did cheat on you, I've never said my name is, my middle name is Yosef. Well, you did another podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, come on, good. It was, it was, uh, I don't want to talk about it. Alright, fine, fair enough. I shit-talked all of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think it's like a private toilet? Yeah, they're like around the offices. It's not somewhere that people would normally go and do coke. You'd go there because you worked there. You didn't want to get caught doing it in your office so you'd pop to the box and do them in there. That's the point, is it's where they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you were at the Buckingham Palace and you swabbed the toilets in there and coke came up, you wouldn't say, oh, this stuff just gets around, doesn't it? You'd be like, fuck me, someone that's here is doing coke at Buck Powell. Bournemouth. Bournemouth University. I did not go to Bournemouth University.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, now imagine if, imagine if I was lecturing you about the perils of drinking and trying to outlaw drinking whilst holding a can of cider. Well, it's, I get that. That's the problem, is you can't moralise to people and tell them what they can and can't do and say this must stop whilst doing it yourself. That's bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what you're saying is, I can handle it, and you can't. No, I don't. That's what you're saying. Not between you and me, but that's what they're saying is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what Boris Johnson called the dead cat, chuck a dead cat on the table. So what happens is everyone's talking about something that you don't want them to talk about that's bad. So what you do is you toss a dead cat on the table and suddenly everyone's talking about the dead cat on the table. He wrote some article about this. I think that's a thing that a lot of people do as PR control is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I promise, it's upgraded from a dungeon to more of a lair now, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's bring back LSD. Alright, let's bring it back. Bring it back in a big way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want anyone to be annoyed by bad grammar or the inconsistencies in it, like that's not, there's nothing charming


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, uh, do it like that. Yeah, but if, if I'm like out, or I'm with people, I won't do that. Oh, I'll do it no matter what. Or I'll just, I'll slick my hand across my head till my hand is covered in sweat and then I'll flick my hand. You guys, you guys ever sweat? It's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just put a, get a heavy bag of potatoes and rest it on your sheet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finally, finally done. We did the live show at Yogcon. It's all done. All the hype was not worth it and we had a, a, a mediocre show. It was, it was, it was a fairly mediocre show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you get a good gauge for why people find you funny and to see if they're laughing with you or at you, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, speaking of lunch, yesterday I was scrambling around trying to find something to eat for lunch. Some eggs. Uhm, yeaah. And there was like a sandwich in the fridge, like a store bought sandwich. Hold? And it was like some sort of like roasted veggie on tomato bread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's like when you use Wonder Bread for your hamburger bun, you know what I mean? Like the burger's too juicy and it makes like the bread all soggy and stuff. It was like that. It was really gross. I took one bite and I was like, I can't eat this. I was in a real funk. I was like depressed, just like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well listen, I open up the cereal cupboard just on the off chance that maybe there's something in there and what do I see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see Dorset Musely, like have you ever seen this stuff? It's like Dorset County Musely or whatever. Simply fruity. I love it. So I'm like, what the fuck? Great. So I pour a bowl of this Musely and I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And holy shit that it was so delicious, so delicious that it made me think of a classic Wu-Tang Clan track called Method Man. Uh, but I've done a remix of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've done a remix? Let me hear it. I've done a remix of the opening of Method Man to celebrate Dorset Musely. Are you ready? Please share this. Alright, ready? Yes, yes. Lead me in, do like the piano bit and the tick tick tick tick tick and I'll do the opening bit, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good God! Oat Face Killer and the Muesli Man. M-U-E-S-L-I Man. Yes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turned out to be a really good lunch in the end. I was no longer depressed after all of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All it took was a simple remix and some musely and bam, just right back at 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, I love that intro too. It's so, so iconic, isn't it? With all the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Man, I feel sorry for ODB. He had such a bum deal in the end. Like he clearly had some mental problems. Like I think he was diagnosed schizophrenic and stuff like while he was in jail, but leading up to him going to jail, he was so fucking like unhinged and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when he came out of jail, there wasn't that much money left and, and then he just fucking OD'd on like cocaine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching an interview with Wu Tang and it was on MSNBC or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, they were talking about, you know, things that, um, you know, we should


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like or whatever. It was like some segment on the show. It was like, uh, we have to do away with or, or something like that. And, uh, they were talking about like GM foods and like all this stuff. And then, uh, I think it was inspected deck said something about like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hating on the old school, like apparently this is a thing with like new, new wave hip hop or new, new rap. They're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, they're trying to like make, they're trying to like, um, wean people off of it sort of thing. As if to say like, ah, it doesn't matter, we're here now and this is what it is and like we're better or whatever, but like what? You can't, like we don't just like ignore fucking the Beatles and like Led Zeppelin and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. So, and they, you know, they had to work really hard to get, get their name out there and get signed to labels and, and shit like that. So it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a weird one. I was surprised. I just thought, what the fuck? Like I thought everybody just, you know, respected these guys and what they'd done and everything, but I guess not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the song called? Old Town Road. He's got another song here with 138 million listens called Panini.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. How did they do it? Like what motivated them and inspired them to pick that name of all the names?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, like, yeaah, like, like, uh, like Jazzmatazz and like a lot of East Coast, uh, hip-hop early on, you know, like Jungle Brothers and like, uh, Tribe Called Quest and stuff. They were all really chill, like it was real hip-hop that wasn't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's definitely like a line where, you know, like you're either one side or the other and that would be like, you know, hip hop and probably gangster rap, you know, like NWA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like celebrated in the same way, not like, I'm gonna fucking jump in my whip and mow you down with a Newsy and stuff like that. But it's like, you know, like, yeah, kind of like old folk songs about like small towns or whatever. Like there's definitely some celebration of like sticking it to the man, right? Like there's like social movement aspects of it and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the UK. I thought they were based in Scotland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but they've got their own, like, Scotland, like, they've got their own assemblies, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I remember, I remember when PUBG first came out, and we were playing it, and uhm, I was doing what I do with every game, like, that I start playing. I was playing it, and then I'd have a stream on in the background. And uhm, there were, there were a couple people playing it at the time. I was watching, like, Sacriel, remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's still going, like he's not, he's not going, but he was playing it a lot. And, um, and then, and Ninja was playing it too. And I guess Ninja was like a big Halo player or something. I don't know much about his background. Halo 3, I think. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like a professional. So he's playing PUBG and he had like, he had a decent amount of viewers, like he had like 2000 viewers or something like that. And it was like, okay, cool. And he seemed like pretty good at the game and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' a couple of weeks later, like when, I guess when the Fortnite Battle Royale came out, I, I just like immediately thought, bah, that's gonna be garbage. Like, I played the, the PvE Fortnite and it was fun enough I guess for a bit, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't put much stock into the Battle Royale and then all of a sudden he was like number one on Twitch and it was just, I thought, I just found that crazy that his, his rise was just so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like 25 or something, I think. Like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think it was like, I think back then, like, but my, my parents' parents, it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You pretty much got married when you were 18 and then went on to have like 10 kids. Like I think that was just the, the, the day and age back then, right? Like I remember my grandma saying that like she got married young, they didn't have any mod cons. So she had to like use a washboard to like do the laundry all day and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make her own bread and shit like that and they had like 10 kids. They lived on an army base and stuff and it was like, okay, grandma, that's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't have Tinder or anything like that, you know, they didn't have any of the modern sort of like time wasters and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things that things that things that prolong responsibility and adults and stuff like that. They were just ready to go. It's like I'm done school. Alright, I'm going to go work at the box factory for 80 hours a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fucking gonna have a wife at home who wears a dress down to her ankles and that fucking uses a washing board to do laundry. Cool. Ah, the box factory. Yeah, the old old box factory, eh? The American dream. Always there for us, you know? Always there. Everyone's gonna need boxes. Yeah, that's it. We need boxes for everything. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of crap in that office, it's gotta be said. Even my kids who are owners of a lot of crap and leave stuff lying around everywhere. When we were in Bristol for a YodCon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think it was like Thursday, maybe it was Wednesday night last week, uh, we came by the office, but it was like eight o'clock and there was like, there was barely anybody there. There's a couple of people like getting ready for the weekend or whatever. Right. And, um, so I showed like my wife and the kids, cause they hadn't seen like the new office, right? They, they, they'd only been to the old. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we had a look around and they were, they were pretty impressed and stuff. They liked it, but they both turned around to me at one point and said, why is there so much stuff in here? And I said, you know what? I fucking know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's just like. Just toys. Kurt was looking at your models, Lewis, your painted models and stuff, he liked those. Oh yea. And I told him that you, that you paid people to paint them for you. He seemed a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a long leather jacket on and when he opened it up. Toys. Files of paints.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'm looking, I've done a Google image search for, uhm, for CERN right now and I gotta say that all of these pictures are incredibly impressive. Like, what is all this stuff? There's pipes and wires and like people's hard hats. I don't see any humans. Alright, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, here I found it. Ufoholic.com. Cern's awake experiment accused of opening a stargate and causing... dot dot dot. I don't even want to go to that site, I'm just like... No, don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And pay for their harshest critics, uh, to get laid so that when they come back to present time, they're not so much of a problem anymore, right? Cause all of a sudden it's like, yeah, okay, I actually don't really care about this anymore because I, I got some 25 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, not those guys, like I want the actual scientists to keep doing the work, but what about like all these guys that are saying like, oh, they've opened up a portal to hell and stuff. Those guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I guess we're gonna have to agree to disagree here, Flex, because, uh, I've got, I've got opinions that I hold dear to my heart, because, uhm, sometimes I read something, uhm, not even actually, sometimes I hear something on the radio, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five seconds of information, and uhm, I've got this unique ability, I don't know if you guys have this, where the mere mention of a topic, I master it almost straight away, but I know everything there is to know about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got all sorts of like dormant information because like I think my brain was like part of a super computer in a previous life or something. So it's all just waiting there to be triggered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm pretty sure Johnny Mnemonic had like, uh, YouTube videos playing in his mind and stuff as well, so like, they would have been...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they, they try to compete with docu-series and stuff, like drama series, right? Book sets and shit, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jurassic World? I don't even think I saw it. I, I can't, I don't know if I've seen like that many bad movies, like I just have uhm, I guess I just picked the good ones or like, I don't know, maybe, like I still use like rotten tomatoes to get like an idea of how things have been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can't like, like most, most movies I go to are kind of like, um, I don't go to many. That's the thing. Like, you know, I, it's not like I don't go see a movie a week or something like that. It's, I guess some people do that. Like, fuck what the hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were talking the other day about good war movies and like uhm, somebody was saying that they didn't like Saving Private Ryan. They didn't like the story in it. Some people didn't like the second half of like Full Metal Jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, somebody's saying they didn't like Apocalypse Now, which is kind of crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's a weird one, right? Like, older movies. Like, I can't remember if a movie is good, or I can't say for certain that a movie is good, because if I watched a movie when I was like, 18, at the time it might have seemed good, but if I were to watch it now, I might think, this movie's garbage, like, I don't even know why I liked it in the first place, sort of thing, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remaking and rebooting stuff blows my mind. I don't understand how anybody can get excited for it. Like it's like with WoW Classic and like Warcraft 3 Reforged and stuff. Why? Why? Like you can play these games, well not WoW Classic I guess, but like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish they would stop this. I can't wait for this like trend to end the remaking of things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next Bond at one point, people were saying like it should be a woman, but apparently they've said that it's never going to happen. It's Daniel Craig. Is it? Yeah. Cause weren't they going to get Idris Elba to be Bond at one point or they were talking about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll always just be straying to me. Old stringer bell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The boys. I'll have to check that out. I haven't been watching anything. I think the last thing I watched was season 4 of Gamora, which I binged through in like two days. I loved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a bunch of people at Yogcon told me that I should watch the U.S. one. It's good. You really should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, you know, when we did the, the last Troy Force that we did on stage and I was, I was talking about backwash. Remember I started talking about backwash and drinks? So, uhm, this, uhm, this girl comes up to me in one of the signing queues and she's like, oh, Sips, nice to meet you. I was like, yeah, nice to meet you too. She's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I had a real problem with the Triforce Live and I said, oh, why? You didn't like it? Like, was it no good or whatever? She's like, no, no, I liked it, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The backwash story was so gross that I had to get up and run to the bathroom and almost throw up. Like it just triggered something in me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just thought that was crazy. I don't, I don't, I can't recall a time where I've ever told a story that's made somebody feel physically sick. So I don't know. Well, that's cause you just don't know who was this, do you? No idea. So I just found that really interesting that somebody almost was sick off the back of the backwash story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, there's, there's probably like, uh, sub communities and videos out there, people who like sex puke and like, you know, drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what, it makes your pee like, like, like post sex pee, like that, where it just like, it sprays everywhere because- Right. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wouldn't want to put anything in my dick hole, like, uh. No, please. It's like a form of torture, right? That's what they do when they apprehend you and they want to find out the state secrets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you talking about? It's gotten a lot worse somehow. You're crazy. We've, uh, we've evolved past needing to see shock images into like other things, right? Like, uh, I don't need to go into details.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Imagine, imagine in Star Wars, the original movie, you know, when they get pushed into like the garbage chute or whatever, imagine instead of all garbage, it's just backwash down there. Like just those big chunks of like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just imagine you've gone for some kind of, uh, family dinner and you have three uncles, that's myself, Sips and Lewis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, that just came to me. That's a different, that's a different thing. That, that's, that's punani. Punani. Yeah, it's close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I spend a lot of time, I don't know if it's getting older, but I spend a lot of time thinking about hell. And I read a book, good few years ago now, called Inferno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, about a guy who's a sci-fi writer and he dies at a party and wakes up and he's in, um, I think, I mean, he followed the Dante, Dante's Inferno description of what hell is like. He wrote this story, you know, as if he'd been there sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you start off in a little sort of urn and until, you know, you're stuck in there until for some thousands of years or, you know, the time isn't really a thing in hell. That's like the whole point is that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't count the days or the minutes, it's just endless and interminable. Like a bus ride, where you don't really know where you're meant to get off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're just going through industrial estates. I think we can all relate to that. You're just thinking, when is this miserable ride going to end? There's nothing to look at. There's no one to talk to. I didn't bring anything with me to do. I'm just stuck here and I don't know when we're going to get where we're going. That's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're just basically stuck there. So you're in this urn and eventually he cries out, God help me. And the urn breaks open, he's in this giant field surrounded by urns. It's just like a sandy desert and all these other urns there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he just starts walking and he's walking towards stuff and it's not getting any closer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And eventually this guy comes over, um, to chat to him and he sort of tries to tell him, look, you're in hell. And he's like, don't be ridiculous. I must be in some, I must have had my brain frozen and I've woken up in the future and this is some weird alien theme park. Like he's trying to figure it out cause he's in eighties. He's trying to figure out in his mind, this can't be real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And it's his adventures in hell, if you like. Right. Uhm, and it's good, I recommend, it's very old fashioned, it's very 70s sci-fi. Oh, I like that, yeah, I agree with that. Yeah, but it's, uh, it's got some silly stuff, like he bumps into quite a few famous people. Right. Billy the Kid bumps into him. Right. And there's all kinds of weird rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That scare me about hell, because uhm, in this version anyway, in order to get from this field of urns, or whatever you'd call it, to the judgment area, you have to cross the river Styx, right? And you have to pay the toll to the guy, uh, the, what's the name of the boatman? Anyone remember? Is it Charon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different ways, uhm, and the main reason they're being punished is because they're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They haven't changed as people, so if they're, they're still doing the same bad stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he sees these two groups of people who are pushing a boulder, and one team is trying to push it up the other team's hill, the other team is trying to push it up the other team's hill, and they're sort of doing battle over this stupid boulder, and it's never going anywhere, because of course,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In this version of hell, if you die or are injured, a little while later you'll be healed, so that you can't just kill yourself and get out of it that way. You can't take injury and you don't age, so you're just stuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, forever. And even though you can suffer horrible injuries and pain, you'll heal again. I actually stole it for the Bodega book, as I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's sort of, I just thought it was a really interesting idea because it's important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, why are you doing this? And they're just like, we've got to, those bastards over there are trying to push it up our hill. And it's like, they're stuck there, torturing themselves with something that they have brought with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you like. It's not a punishment that they can't escape from. All they have to do- So what are they? Just competitive dad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yea, they're like these kind of competitive arseholes that, you know, never give up and nobody beats me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the point, is that he finds all these people, one of them is this old lady who was his neighbour, who was a sweet old lady, but she was a bit of a gossip. And she's got this hideous punishment, she has to like carry this...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Superheated piece of metal that covers her. It's like a cage that she's stuck in and everything. And he's like, this is so out of line with what she did. Like this punishment is so awful and what she did was just not that bad. How can this be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he comes to realize that in fact they're all, they could all just escape these horrible punishments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, who's the authority is God, obviously, I think, but, uh, I, I, I don't think it, I don't think if there is a hell, um, I don't think it would be judged in quite that way. I, I, I really don't. Because it would be too arbitrary. And it doesn't, it wouldn't make sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the, here's the one of the sillier parts in the book is that he makes this guy early on his sort of guide, Benny, who seems to have some kind of powers, if you like, like he's, he's, he understands hell better than...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then Alan, who's the, Alan Carpentier, who is the main guy. And he seems to know how to get around certain things and everything. And later on in the, in the story, Benny falls into this pit with all these really bad people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. Whoops. But so, but get this, it gets, it gets a little silly. So Benny, his guide, turns out to be Benito Mussolini.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I just thought it was, uh, it was funny. So at the end they have to climb up this big statue of the devil and at the top it turns into heaven. But you gotta climb up it. And they get there and Alan's like realizes that Benito's been here before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he's like, you've been here before and you didn't go up. And he's like, well yeah, but you know, I had to come back and help other people. Like, it's not fair for me to just fucking leg it. And Alan realizes that that's his redemption, is that Alan turns around and goes back, uh, to help other people get out. And that that, in a way, even though it's gonna be more suffering,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knows the escape now, he's gonna bring other people there. I thought that was, it was actually a really interesting, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that idea that that, in a way, is how you've earned it. Is by saying, no, I could have redemption right now, but actually I don't deserve it yet. I'm going to go back and help some other people and earn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the point, is that you have to have something to compare it to, otherwise it's not heaven. We learned this from the Matrix people, an entire, entire crops were lost!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this time everything works out for you. Right. So you see the same shit, everything like that, but everything seems to work out for you. You end up fucking Jeff Bezos. Jeff Bezos reincarnation here, he's already died in some previous life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Jeff Bezos 2.0, maybe 12.0, I dunno. Right. And if you, if you have a lousy life, you come back as another person and have a shit time with one of those people that just nothing goes right for them. Right. You know what I mean? You had a good life, you come back as another person, and everything works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we got some new souls and so on, because obviously there have to be more souls now because there are more people, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about it. So, there are more people, isn't it, that there are more people alive today than have ever lived or some shit like that? So there must be new souls coming along. So that's their first run. The Midland ones. The ones where it's not good, they turn it around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're saying that before that an entire race...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I think the whole idea is that you get to heaven, you get a free pass. I mean, you know what I mean? It's like, it's like you've got the ticket at the theme park that lets you skip all the queues. God's like, do you know what? You've had a great life. You've done really well. Fuck as many prostitutes and snot as much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I wanna go and I would love to if I could like go throughout human history. Sure. Go and watch some of the battles in the Punic Wars or go and see the dinosaurs or travel to a distant planet where there's also life and just observe them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I do, I do think one thing was funny is you said that you'd be watching, like if I said you could travel to any period in time and watch it, you were like, yeah, but you wouldn't be able to change anything. That's television, isn't it? Like you just watch stuff happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, think about this. Can you imagine if you could travel to an alien world and watch their civilization develop? Watch their TV shows? How fucked up is their Game of Thrones gonna be? Alien Game of Thrones?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you remember that test you do in maths where you had to transpose shapes? It's like, if I flip this triangle through 80 degrees, which of these would it most resemble? You know, and you have to sort of, you know, which shape fits into this? Is that the kind of thing they can't do? Or is that because that's visual on a page, that's no problem. But if they had to imagine something,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are they like the worst inventors ever because they can't imagine stuff? How does it manifest itself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when I'm, when I'm trying to picture something in my mind, my, my, if I can do it, if I'm in the mood to do it, I'll kind of go blank and I'll just go away and I'll just sort of be, it's almost like a lucid dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like a photo. It's not like a photo. You know in a dream when, if you're focusing on one thing in the dream, your mind fills in the background. Nobody's just floating in darkness unless that's the dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tend to, I tend to picture people in places that I either last associate them with. So I pictured a friend of mine, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who I hadn't seen in a few years, but the last time I saw him, we went to the pub near me. And so when I was picturing him and you said picture a person,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a very, very, very bad sense of smell. Uh, most flowers, I can't smell them. Like Mrs. F will be like, smell this flower. And it's like, so when I find a flower that I can actually smell, I'm like huffing it like crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And some people, like, they can't stand the feel of cotton wool. Like, that kind of stuff. Yeah, it's weird, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you suppose that the desire, from a young age especially, because most people that are brilliant, like at drawing or painting,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean they said, uh, was it Mozart or Beethoven could, he could hear the whole symphony in his, in his, uh, in his mind. Most people when you're thinking of music,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're trying to imagine a tune, you're actually only really thinking of one track at a time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would hate it. Yesterday I spent the whole morning stream running in the woods, getting attacked by wolves, fending off zombies, didn't see another player for like four hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'm walking, I'm in the middle of nowhere, I'm walking towards this industrial site to go and loot it, I got my night vision goggles out, I'm peering around, there's no lads, I'm checking, I walk around, there's a dude on a rock, and he just goes BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hours of work gone. My whole survival story for that character gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are just, there are games in the works that I'm like, yeah, that looks interesting, that looks cool. But the thing is, do you guys ever play, uhm, game dev tycoon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you, you know the way as you, as you get bigger as a developer, your game development time ends up taking forever. Like it's almost a whole year to develop a game because they're all AAA titles and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got to get all these bubbles and everything like that for you guys. Do you suppose that the games now are so complicated?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That there's just not as many of them. Like, the decent games take time. And there's only so many developers making decent games, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like, there's nothing out at the moment I wanna play. It's like, it takes a long fucking time. People's expectations are so high. Yeah. You can't just knock a game out in a few months, bosh, done. It's gotta have all these different layers and all the rest of it, just like in Game Dev Tycoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why aren't there more companies making civilization style games? Why is there only one football management game? Okay, you know, listen, hear me out on this one, okay? It's a huge seller!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, did you watch your, like, ITV? No, no, it was on TCM. Turner Classic movie. And, about five o'clock, because the kids come home from school, we'll have them at like 3.30, and I let them chill and play their games and stuff for an hour. Then about five o'clock I go downstairs and I watch some telly. So I watched the Tarot Inferno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for the first half hour- It's quite famous. It is a very famous movie. Kicked off a lot of those big disaster movies in the 70s, like Earthquake and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the whole point of it is like, you know, someone's cut some corners somewhere and now they've got this fucking inferno in the tower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, there's always like certain trope characters that you've got in the 70s that always popped up that's quite funny to see. There's always, uh, a slightly chubby rich older woman who ends up getting stuck in something. No, it always makes me laugh because in the Poseidon adventure they had the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like pre-Hollywood auteur movement when it was all taken over by the directors. It was much more simple and straight forward. Bums on seats, you know? Asses in seats. That's what we're looking for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the funny thing is like the big action sequences in those movies, when you compare them, like if you watch uhm, what is it called, Deepwater Horizon, that's a disaster movie, more recent disaster movie about the Deepwater disaster, like the oil rig that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you cut to the outside, very distant shot of some poor special effects of fire in a building. And it's just sort of, it feels so basic and claustrophobic. Because of course they couldn't shoot things in the same way back then. So it is quite funny, when you watch Poseidon Adventure, which is a great movie,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get out. He's, he's only gone and done it. He's done it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been thinking about it a lot recently and I think my biggest problem is that I simply just have a small penis and I can relate back a lot of the uh, the trouble and strife back to that one defining aspect of me and my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I just, just, just thinking right now, free flights easily, right? You just go up to the desk, say, I got a big one. They're like, you don't even have to pay, sir. On you go. What flight do you want to fly on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've had an allergic reaction on my dick that's made it bigger. Hey, I read this thing about a guy 45 years old. Okay. At 45 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy decides that the power move of the day for him is to inject Vaseline into his dick to make it bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, when a 45 year old man gets gangrene in his dick from injecting stuff into it, I think that's the point at which we do have to have the discussion. I mean, come on. That's the target audience of this podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're gonna fuck a pavement or a bicycle, more power to you, I guess. Don't let me catch you doing it, because I, you know, would be upset, but at the same time, as long as you're not injecting stuff into your cock, it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, just, and you're not like harming other people or whatever, like it's fine. Just, just carry on. I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So important. I don't know if you guys are like me, but every once in a while, I'll get like these big- Mouth help! Yeah, I'll get these big ulcers in my mouth. And any other time, you know, I don't even think about mouth


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're considering it fairly important. Yeah, no, it's a, it's a, it's like a, it's like a Dr. Seuss rhyme. And then in the health mouth, health, health mouth, health mouth, it's got a, it's like hard to say words all strung together into harder to say sentences, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like fuck, I really shouldn't have been avoiding flossing. I have this huge ulcer on my, on my lip, like inside my lip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm just thinking to myself, Christ, like I don't remember what it was like to not have one in my mouth. Uh, an ulcer I should say, sorry. Uh, and it's, it's so painful. I can't really eat that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, uh, my wife got this like mouthwash when she had her wisdom teeth taken out. It's like this industrial strength mouthwash kills like every...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having said that though, just as you said that, I got this like perfect visual and like a, like a, I felt this sensation. What if you put like some of that minty shampoo or body wash onto some toilet paper and wiped your ass with it? Like that would be nice. Oh, I can feel that right now. Spicy hot shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After you've taken, like, just a jug, like, you've dropped the, like, the hottest, spiciest, greasiest deuce of your life and your asshole is on fire. That's gonna feel pretty good, I think, after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like after I've had that, my, the inside of my mouth feels like a weird, uh, sterile killing room. Like, like, like the Dexter is made with like plastic and fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's just no, there's nothing going on in there, like all life inside my mouth has been destroyed by this whatever, magical potion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could make a, you could have a society, secret society, North American egg love men association or something like that. You could be like the nembla.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, Flax, if this happened to me, I'm, I'm, I'm not saying that maybe it is just like, uh, amazing, uh, series of coincidences or whatever, but if that was me, I'd be like, this is a setup. I've been hacked or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you've fallen for the con by repeating the story on this illustrious podcast. Maybe that was the goal of the con.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kind of unusual. That's one coincidence too far. You think it's a setup. You think they've set it up to get on the bookshelf. I think we've fallen right into their trap by talking about it. Well it's well played. Conspiracy theory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The English like to shorten Jeremy and Gary to Jez and Gaz, don't they? Which doesn't make sense either. I don't quite. I mean, I think they used to. I've never understood that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't get, like, how do you get, how do you add an AZ or an EZ, like, uh, is it, is it kind of like, uh, off, offshoot of, like, cockney rhyming slang or something like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gerald, Gerald, we had a, we had a Jez, a Gerald, which who was G-E-Z. Jez. That was a thing as well. Gez. Gez. Yeaah. Yeaah. Would it be Gez or Jez? That's just shoehorn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just fucking don't really like superheroes or anything to do with them at all. Like I just like, I think I'm, I'm tapped out on superheroes. Have you watched the boys? Uh, yeah, actually I liked the first episode of it and I keep meaning to get back around to watching the rest of it. It's good. It's good. Anyway, it's an interesting, an interesting twist on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The superhero thing, you know, it was pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's modelled after like 70s New York City, I think, isn't it? Which was probably a lot like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you felt maybe at that point that you were the Joker, or turning into the Joker somehow. I've got on a weird monologue here, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that you could also, just as a counterpoint here, could you also potentially bombard yourself with mindfulness? Like, there's gotta be a balance, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to, you don't want to be sitting there and like bombarding yourself with too much mindfulness because it could go the other way. So somewhere in the middle there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, this morning I walk into my garage, uhm, as normal, you know, open the door, step in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause what, you know, when you see them from the top, you know, their shells like curve and they don't seem so big sort of thing, but they're flat underneath. So you get, you know, they look wider and stuff. It's really weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like a dad walking in on his son, like, you know, just squeezing his hog. Playing Minecraft. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is. No, luckily he's not dead, but yeah, it was a weird one. I guess, uh, I think he tried to climb up some stones and then probably just fell backwards or something. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really weird. He's, he's flipped over before. There's been, there's been cases of him flipping over before. Luckily there's always somebody around because if they, if, if they're underneath their basking light, I can like cook them, you know, like they're not meant to like receive light on the bottom. It's just like the top. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, imagine, like, imagine yourself, Louis, you're laying in a tanning booth and you accidentally fall asleep, but you're doing like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but you're doing like the butt cannon at this, you know, like when you, your knees are up and your ass is sticking up in the air, that's how you falling asleep. You can imagine it would dry you out big time, right? Potentially cause some damage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A place where, where regularly the light does not shine, all of a sudden there's too much light going in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other guys was like that too. Do you remember that movie? Samuel L Jackson and Dwayne the Rock Johnson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The story of an Indian scuba diver who's afraid of sharks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, it's not those guys having those conversations either, it's their managers, right? Oh, please. People who make a big deal about this stuff. Yea, but they know. To other people who pander to it to justify getting paid and stuff like that, right?