[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have impeccable customer service. If you have any questions, there's always somebody there to help you 24 seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And free and secure hosting built in search engine optimization. It really is just the best. So what are you going to do? You're going to try it out, check it out, go to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big day, so many topics to cover. In fact, I have a secret topic that I haven't even discussed with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you said the word incorrectly, it's uh, prescribe. Prescribe and rate. Right. And also, don't forget our bevy of other shows here at Studio Jeans. We have Two Bears, One Cave, which you guys, uh, well by the time this airs, sorry, that's no live show anymore, right? That's in the past.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's in the past. Uhm, there's Where My Mom's At, if you guys wanna listen to mom stuff. And, what else are you doing? Dr. Drew After Dark. Dr. Drew After Dark, which we guessed on. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just it. You know, Tom, there's so many things going on in the world today, but I would think the most important topic is how to pronounce Megan, or Megan. I believe it's Megan, as does Nadav, and you're under the stupid impression that it's Megan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. Megan is a piece of shit cuntface and Megan is a sweet girl I grew up going to school with. Thank you very much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I disagree, Tom. First of all, Megan is not a whore's name. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way. Megan is a whores name. Megan is a nice girl who knows math and science.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can the Megans write in and let us know if they prefer Megan or Megan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna do an unofficial poll and I will find out on my Instagram stories. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's interesting because on the talk I've noticed that people have multiple talk accounts as well. Cause they'll get flagged and they come back. They get flaked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? No, do it now when everyone's home and desperate for entertainment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you though, is that I'm really upset about the lack of my reality shows. I forget these movies. Look, I understand it's hard to shoot the films, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to watch reality shows on Zoom. I don't want to see them, you know, when they do recaps and stuff. Oh, I know. It's terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so that's been like one saving grace, but it's, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's upsetting. It's like, it's like we're all in reels of Instagram versus TikTok right now. It's just so fucking disappointing in the world right now of entertainment. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, it's a good time. Well like, I'm trying to do my curation tonight. Reels is fucking garbage right now. And I'm having such a hard time with TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I have to admit that sometimes I don't feel like reading because I'm too tired. I just want to watch. But I don't like the dubbing over. I think that's way worse. That's the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so handsome. You see how virile and pumped you are? You did weight liftings this morning. And should we announce that you brought your first sperm sample in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's such a weird thing, like you have to bring in your jizz and then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of like their doctor's office, like they're probably not supposed to and they're like, I'm just gonna jerk it here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I, in my dumb brain I was like, it probably has to be really fresh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you got the wrong thing. Maybe, frenulum porn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. I've never even heard of this, Tom. Wow, how did you even find this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, I'm sorry, I just have to know the details because I didn't see this. Is it a discreet cup or is it just like a urine sample cup? So it's clear. So anybody could tell what you had in your hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wha- how? He can do that on taste alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, how do you think they train? So he's gotta taste so many guys' jizz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm excited, I can't wait for us to bust nuts recklessly because, you know, the only time we've really done that is when we were trying to make children, so this is really exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. You know, I mean, we're, we're solving this social security crisis like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the thing is too is that your dad is not like a helpless old man. He knows how to send text messages. He knows how to do stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, my teacher made us do it in college when it was super new. Like homework assignments would only be released via email. And I was so mad. I'm like, fuck. Because back then you had to go into the computer room at school. You didn't have a really computer in your, in your dorm room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, do you remember texting when you had to do like one, two, three, A, B, C. That was the first phone I had. It was a flip phone. That's the Ari Shaffir way of texting. Oh, he still does. I think so. He's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why does he stick to that? I love technology though, it's so fun. So dumb. It's been good, it's been inherently good. Uhm, so, can I tell you what happened to me? And I have not told a soul. Yeaah. Not a single soul, cause I was so embarrassed that this happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So hard. I slid my feet went up in the air and I landed flat on my back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On our hard ass tile, like ceramic tile. Was that what we have? Marble floor, whatever. Yeah, wood, sorry. Wood floor. And the only thing that saved my head is that I was wearing a bun that day and my hair essentially broke the fall of my head. So I would have cracked my head on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the, in our, you know, our dining area. Yeah. Like I was walking to the, to get the keys, the car keys where stolen dollar happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was laying right there by the railing, and I was so embarrassed that the cleaning lady would see me, cause you know how she always warns you, like, he's wet floor, miss Christina. I'm like, shut the fuck up, I know it's a wet floor. But she didn't warn me this time, and I was so embarrassed that she would see me, that I, so listen to this, I'm on my back, flat. I'm completely in shock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I do like a roll, I roll over to the carpeting and I get up so quick so that nobody in the house sees that I've fallen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last week, today's Tuesday. Yeah, and I can't, and I was like in shock and I just got in the car and I was like, whoa, I could have really just hurt myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. See, but I got lucky because my, I broke my hand, broke my fall in my hair, my bun. It was so weird. I smushed my thumb, I smushed my elbow. What if you were like? I could really fuck myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeans, you've heard us talk about Brooklinen sheets forever. We sleep on them every night. I give people Brooklinen sheets as gifts, but did you know that their towels are super soft and luxurious and spa-like and fantastic? Did you know that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're so good and so soft. Why not turn your bathroom into a miniature spa and use Brooklyn and towels. They're so plush and so warm. It really makes you feel like you're just doing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something a little extra special for yourself. You know what I mean? You give yourself a little treat. Uh, this is such a great company, Brooklinen. It's just, there's no middle man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're so confident in their product and everything comes with a lifetime warranty. Use promo code mom for 10% off your first order at brooklinnen.com. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Promo code mom, brooklinnen. Everything you need to live your most comfortable life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so back to some YMH official news. I want to thank everybody. We had the official fudge packer petition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 69ers. And good work guys, mommies, you were on that lickety split.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was on change.org and you know, I posted it, we all posted it and it got some real traction. It took off like wildfire and it was taken down within hours. So, but thank you guys for trying. You know, sometimes people are not ready for real change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes people need to process these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It took time, so let's keep trying. Let's be persistent. This is just the first try, you guys. We're gonna get there. We will prevail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean to be fair, this is a shot in the Philippines which I would probably be reacting the same way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not America, babe, or Europe, you know what I mean? I wouldn't want a shot. I wouldn't fucking let them do that. In the Philippines? No way, wouldn't let them pull a hangnail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I like about you now? I like that scar you have from your hyena operation now. You look like a badass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I've been looking at you for 15 years naked and now there's something new there? Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You cannot, because there's really good looking women in New York City, like models everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, comes to my attention I've done some scientific testing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cream of wheat does in fact give me diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's what I did. I conducted an experiment where I ate nothing that morning. Nothing out of, like, just coffee. Normal, normal. I took my normal coffee shit after. I made cream of wheat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it, it tastes like paste, like glue from kindergarten, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and also the medical community, uh, any doctors listening, I'm pretty sure that's a bad idea to put a drill and a q-tip in your ear. It's dangerous, no? Can you rupture your eardrum at the least?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty aggressive. Savage. And here, you wanna see her? I would love to see her, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aww, she's like super pretty and sweet. She's super pretty, yea. Dude, are you sure that's real and she got dick sexing? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And she loves YMH. So yeah, I don't know if she is married, but you could find the man of your dreams if you appreciate that. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woah! Hey, but we don't know that. It could be a dad boner. Like sometimes they get excited about trains. Good!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe this is just an ambulance, or I'm sorry, a firetruck enthusiast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean listen, they are pretty exciting when they go by and the lights are flashing and the horn is going. Our kids get real stoked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I agree, those covid tests are no fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it seems to me that I bet the women who are answering


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or the one woman who's answering is like, will you get a COVID test before I come over?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's probably like, no bitch, I've already told you I have a tent that I can put you in. Isn't that enough?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But look where he is now. He's a famous porn actor. He's doing great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like significant in the under chin and then everywhere else she could be like kind of normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's uh, that's really interesting. Thank you Megan. Yeah, thanks Megan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they're mush dicks is what she's saying. So meth guys don't fuck. So how is Fedsmoker fucking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there was a discussion in the past about the proper time to brush your teeth in the morning. Should it be first thing when you wake up to get the bad breath out of your mouth or after a little while?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I spoke to my wife who is a hygienist of seven years to get the correct timing. She informed me that it is okay to brush right away to get the bacteria that grew through the night. However, this would be surprising to you, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's what I suggest, why not brush your teeth right when you wake up, cause I brush my teeth, I do a cursory brush, and then I do an after coffee and breakfast brush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay, this is Tom, this is your lookalike. I found this in a bar in Houston. This is in the drops folder. It is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a, here's an interesting one. You wanna give some advice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, hi mommies, I need your advice about a smelly coworker. We are still working in our offices, full PPE of course with masks, gloves, and sanitizer, even with my mask on and cheap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He smells like old food garbage and sweat all mixed into one noxious fume. Every day for nine hours, he brings in super fragrant foods to eat and eats in our open office space. We're not allowed to bring in smell goods, but I am dying a little bit every day, having to tolerate his stink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My boss a few weeks ago even made a comment out loud about an odor in the air while I stared at him with saucer eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And him personally, like his body and his food stinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to tell the person. There's no other way in this situation. Cause HR will call, call that person in and be like, you need to wear, there's complaints about your smells. So that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, your pussy stinks and your armpits smell like a dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, oh, we would just tell people. I think YMH, right? Like, we're so open, we'd be like, oof, you're fucking banging, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You make a dog tell him in Jewish code?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That woman brought a bag of hard boiled eggs, a ziplock bag of hard boiled eggs on a plane. Are you insane? Smells like farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I too am learning Espanol with Babel. You know, I took it in high school, but I need a refresher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I love Babbel because it's an app on my phone and it just takes 10 to 15 minutes a day. And it really helps you brush up and speak the language in a practical way. It's not just like drill, drill, drill. It helps you learn to be conversational so that you speak it the way native speakers do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So again, 10 to 15 minutes a day teaching you words and phrases and then the sentences get more complex and pretty soon you're practicing short conversations. Uh, lessons are thoughtfully created by over 100 language experts and their teaching method has been scientifically proven to be effective across multiple studies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three additional months for free using promo code mom. That's three additional months free if you go to babble.com and use promo code mom on your three month subscription. That's B-A-B-B-E-L dot com promo code mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can say sure. You know how my therapist pointed that out when we first started being together? Yea? I was like, his name is Tom Segura and she's like, you know what that means, Steve?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well hold on, it is the Vegas Vegas debate. It's a similar debate, no? Vegas, it's not Vegas, it's Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how humble of you to be able to do that. I think that takes a big person to put yourself out there like that. Cause I was watching that. Yea, cause he said like there's three things. You need to raise the stakes. Right? Like every emotion has to be really big. And the language has to be really simple. Cause there are non-English speakers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you realize like, oh gosh, there is an art form to what this person's doing. It may not be your art form, but I think your girlfriend said that. She's like, look at you, learning a lesson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's very surprising that he has that approach. But it's so, it's so, um, charismatic when people do that. Like, remember Charles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, he is doing something that is not the norm. It is, but his audience is intended for like, it's intended for people who don't speak English as a first language, and children, so it makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of true, I mean, listen, we lie to children and tell them they can do anything. That's really not the case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hot models. Well, you know, Victoria's Secret, aren't they going under? They went under, and I was with Tommy in the mall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I was saying, you know how they could have saved that brand, is if they put...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, crazy, non-binary, um, fat,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have tits and, you know what I mean, and a dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like they should have put like, it should have been like all fat trans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that would have kept their doors open bro. They just didn't, they didn't go with the times. He's writing like Gucci's next door and they're open and they're selling their crazy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not good. You broke a thousand, I didn't even break a thousand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, at Dooky, did you like it there? Did you? I loved it. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Correct, Cody. What I did is, I had my morning like I normally do, coffee and then dump. And then I had my breakfast, cream of wheat, versus what I normally have, eggs. And then an hour later I had violent diarrhea. So, the only conclusion is that it gives me diarrhea. Yea, see? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do they call you like this fucking donkey fucking pig? Like stuff like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the snowboarding, I think that's really fun. Snowboarding's dope. Really hard and cool, and I like watching girls who can snowboard. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's important too, the editing, the timing of things, that short form.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's long. I mean long form, like it's 20, 21 minutes I noticed, right? 20 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, it's so fascinating. Tom and I talk about this. We're fascinated with YouTubers because it's such a different world than like the stand-up comedy world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I, what's daunting about the YouTube world from what I see as an outsider, it's like, you have to take into consideration what people are commenting, and then there's like, this other YouTuber that you've got beef with, and then you guys go through that, like there's so much going on in the YouTube world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's true, because people, uhm, will critique your mom's house for that very thing. Like, I liked it better when you guys were just two broke, you know, childless people in Silver Lake. And it's like, yeaah, we have kids, and we have a mortgage, and like, we just, we evolved, and we try to still be fun, but you know, you have to change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mommy's flu season is just around the corner and it is so important to keep your immune system strong and boosted. You need your zinc, you need your vitamin D, which facilitates immune system function and improves your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, profesh. I've attempted. Okay. I'm terrible, but you know, it's so cool. It's so nice being out there. Oh, I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, cause I just did it, like, uh, this summer. I took a lesson with my friend and, uh, I was so exhausted. I was like, I'm too old to get into this again. Like, you can do it at 30, 44. I'm like, mmm. But it's still fun. It's still nice to be out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I learned this from listening to Joe Rogan. When a monkey shows their teeth, it's a sign of aggression. And you need to teach your kids, hey man, back the fuck up, this animal wants to attack you. So I think this is a great lesson to teach your kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause people will be like, have you heard of so and so? And I'm like, no, that's not my feed, bro. I do independent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when she's done with this illness, she will resume drinking. Do we know what the illness is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh well, mmm, that's prerequisite for these talks is no teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lady who, she's 60, she's 63, and she's really in good shape, she's really skinny, and she's got these huge tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big dumpy flap wagons and I was curious about them so I put it on my stories and then she made a response on TikTok like these are my breasts, blah blah blah. But what I like about her is that she's 63 and doesn't understand how social media works. She's treating her followers like they're just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree. I don't know. Reels is fucking dog shit. I can't access anything as pure as this on Reels. I think it's because the algorithm's designed to show you aspirational behaviors, money, beauty, things. This is more of an equal platform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's official, everybody's a victim to some regard. Even the horse community is now in need of advocacy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Hail Satan. Now, would you say you're a professional YouTuber and, and, you know, Viner? Like, reading off a prompter or the script is not the way to go, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we can go dancing. When you're single, do you do a pose like that? Yeah, that's how I met.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cody, would you answer an ad like that? Where she's like, I don't give a shit, whatever. If you were single, I mean, obviously you'd with Kelsey right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate whatsapp. I never get notified. My notifications are always off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so scared. Christina asked our fans to send her dick pics of her swimming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeez, but now is that truth or is that just scale from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I agree, it's the best. The internet is the great equalizer. Yeaah. Do what you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if vaginas weren't meant to be kissed, they wouldn't have came with lips. Just saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Saatva. Go to Saatva.com slash the shit to get $225 off the new Solair mattress and Saatva mattress company always provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now is the time to put that cool idea to work and build a website. When are you gonna do it? You've been talking about it forever. Now is the best time. Use Squarespace. I've used Squarespace to build.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four websites. That's how much I love Squarespace. I don't know HTML coding. I don't know what a plugin is. It doesn't matter. You don't need to know all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you use Squarespace. Why? It's easy. It's intuitive. I like the designs. They're very clean. You ever go to a website and they're all jumbled up, you don't know how to look for anything? Not at Squarespace. Everything's good. You could have an e-commerce functionality. Lets you sell stuff online. You can customize the look and the feel, the settings, the products.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything is optimized for mobile right out of the box because everybody looks at your website on their, uh, their phone, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Analytics help you grow in real time. 24-7 award-winning customer support. Free and secure hosting. Nothing to patch or upgrade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ever. So what you're gonna do, go to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Thank you, Squarespace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we decided to stop offending people and be more inclusive, so I myself would like to welcome all of our, uh, non-able-bodied and Latinx and L- Latinx are- I'm sorry, uh, LGBTQIA, intersectional and asexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black lives matter. Black trans lives matter. Black queer lives, gay lives. Uhm, who else am I forgetting? Non-binary lives. Lesbian lives. Shoot, how am I forgetting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody, you're welcome. Thank you for being here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really funny video. I have a really funny joke I thought I'd share with the listeners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, that sounds hostile against pandas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're implying that he's aggressive. You don't know that. You don't know this particular panda. Not all pandas are aggressive, Tom. Are you against pandas? Is that what you're trying to say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's so funny? I mean, it's not funny. You lost us a bunch of downloads of views.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just feel like you're, it's still too late. I wanted to see anguish, and I can, you hear how better Nadav reacts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we need to reissue another form of punishment for Nadav, because now after seeing that video, I'm angry again. And I don't feel as though you're, you haven't repented enough. And you took off and he goes to the pachanga or whatever, manchego, fucking casino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aww, how funny, haha. You know what, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll be like, this bear thinks he's a ninja. What's the caption, the bad joke on that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like you to wear a dunce cap. And I'm gonna have Zolo, I'm sorry, better Nadav, make you a dunce cap. And you're gonna have to wear it for the next episode. Alright. You like that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I'm trying. I just... The darkness inside me is percolating though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In every clip. That's true. I do prefer a moldier ceiling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Consistency. And it's good to be backlit. One thing you want is light behind you so that it blows you out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was willing to give him a shot because I like his cockiness. I like the arrogance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's life and philosophy. Can I tell you that it's so embarrassing? Cause Willow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say that dummy, you know? Um, but so Red Table Talk is, it's a favorite of mine for sure. And Will doesn't always join, but he joined on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You watch this, you watch the two of them, you pull back up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number one, keep it home. Number two, the language that both of them use. Like she'll be like, it was an entanglement that I had to learn and grow from. And then we, everybody grew as the togetherness and the couple from, and you're like, bitch, what are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so, it's, listen, I'm, I'm, I love therapy, I'm a huge proponent of getting into it, but also, like, there's a level of bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A level, this is the ultimate level. Let's just call it what happened. So, he dumps her, Will Smith and Jada break up. They're married. They're married, but I'm saying five years ago, he dumped her. Well, he didn't dump her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're done. Okay. So then she hooks up with this young hottie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he probably is like, I'm over it, you know, or she's over whatever. And then they split up and that's what happened. Like you felt, you felt unattractive. You felt like your husband kicked you to the curb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are we talking about this? I feel like if this has happened in your marriage, like shut up. Exactly. Why are you embarrassing your husband and bringing out your private...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh Jean, we've been together for 15 years and besides good communication and love, what's the secret to our marriage?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's toys for men, toys for women, couples, toys, every kind of lube and lotion. Take advantage of the downtime we all have right now and choose almost any one item and get 50% off at adamandeve.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the code YMH, just remember to use offer code YMH. That's YMH at checkout to get this deal. Go to adminieve.com, use the offer code YMH to get 50% off just about any item plus 10 free gifts. Use code YMH at checkout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you broke up in your marriage for a minute and you fucked a hot young guy. I learned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was, hold on, the second guy, the first one, the first guy I found on Yelp and I called him and he goes, great, text me a picture of the bike and what's wrong. I do. He goes, he goes, all right, I'll come by tomorrow. I go, what time? He goes, let me get back to you. I got to look at my schedule. I go, great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Day goes by, weekend goes by, I don't hear it from him. I text him again. Hey man, when do you think you can look at my bikes? Oh yea, I gotta look at my schedule and get back to you. Again, never gets back to me. So I find a new guy. The whole bike fixing industry is kind of tick-tocked. You know what I mean? Yea. Okay, so we find this other guy and yell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. Hey, I'm telling you, everybody in the bike world is kind of a lunatic. Remember where we got the bikes from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just weird. Hey, I was thinking uhm, I wanted to do that. Do you wanna do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I wanted to bring up your cool breakfast idea. We were eating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We like to go, we have breakfast outdoors in this place near our house, and uh, Tom and I, here's the deal. I know that Tom wants to look at hot girls, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I don't want to be delusional. I know that you want to look at ladies. So I like to do this thing where I go, Oh my God, look at, look at that big camel toe. Like you can see her. Look at that girl's puss right now. I'm like Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause this one girl, these girls wear these lululemon yoga pants and it makes their vaginas look very meaty. And I was like, well, you probably would want to look anyways. This way I give you permission to get a good gander at her meaty puss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, you don't get in trouble for looking, you don't have to pretend like you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, it's nice. Ladies like to hear when they look good. And I would take it as a compliment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I think you know where it would really work is like Hooters. Oh yeah. Cause they're kind of inviting you to look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if I was your waitress, yea, and you'd be like, I'm trying to, I'm trying to dream this dream of your tits are spilling into them. You know, and I'd be like, that's neat, thanks sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just true though, because as a, as an older couple, like we are now, you know, people, people look so much better than us, that I think it's important to acknowledge when you see like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, my wife and I are trying to, we're having a debate over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think Top Dog would think about your getting chicks method?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She likes to start, she's a professional shit mixer. Yeah. That's, that's so, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is I physically disengage. When I sense that she's looking for the fight I physically go to another room and then some other sucker walks in and takes her bait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I made the mistake, I was very hungry and I baked spaghetti squash for myself and you cut it in half and then you take a fork and you rake the squash. Right. Now she had never seen it before and it was blowing her fucking mind apart. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because Blanca will drive you to suicide. Cause you're like, there's no way out, everything's closing in on me, the walls are coming down. Yea, there's no way out of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, interestingly enough, I saw Brittany Furlon posting a TikTok today of her and Tommy Lee. And it was, she goes, in order for a marriage to work, one of you has to be crazy and one of you has to be boring. Boring and crazy go well together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting. And I think that's what we have with your uncle and top dog. Boring, I'm saying. Yeah. Like the chill. They're the chill ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So true, because you always see good guys with like, controlling bitches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to go on my morning walk through my neighborhood, and one thing I don't like is other people hearing what I'm listening to, which is why I use Raycon wireless earbuds. They last for like six hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bluetooth pairing, super simple. There's more bass, more compact design that gives you a nice noise isolating fit. Nothing worse than an earbud that just plops out of your ear. Not these Raycons. And they're super cool. They're comfortable. Did you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That the company was co-founded by Ray J? Oh, I love me some Ray J. And did you know that Cardi B is a huge fan of Raycons? Well, you're going to see why when you pick up a pair, see what all the hype is about. And by the way, they're very affordable. Why spend hundreds of dollars on earbuds? It is absolute nonsense. Try them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now's the time to get the latest and greatest from Raycon. Get 15% off your order at buyraycon.com slash YMH. That's buyraycon.com slash YMH for 15% off Raycon wireless earbuds. Buyraycon.com slash YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And plus when you're in it, you don't really realize the phenomena of it, right? Like you're just, you're just doing it and then someone is like, this thing is huge. And you're like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the harshest show. It has to have affected you somehow, right? Seeing all that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's I gonna ask you? Oh, oh, oh, I have to ask this. For that, the final, obviously most important, what happens at the end of this? Oh yea, explain the ending guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's my dad. Wow. Oh my god. Get closer to his face. Can you scroll? Cause he had a good picture of his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of funny stuff in it. A lot of funny stuff. Oh, there's this great, is it to Meadow or to AJ? He gives a speech.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's telling you, he's telling you you have a lot to live for. He goes, you got a lot of things going for you. Well, for one thing, you're white. And these days, that means something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like a girl and then like one time you came back from like a cycle and you were super hot and everybody was like, meadow's hot. Like everybody was talking about when you blossomed into the ladyhood. Did you feel it back then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spinach. Spinach. Spinach. Fibrous. Fibrous. But it's so light. But to make more brown? That's a really, that's a head scratch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How? Isn't that crazy? And you're like, wouldn't it be neat if they could have a relationship?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you, are you, are you from, like an acting family?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was an ease about the two of you that Tony Soprano and Edie Falco could be your parents and that that was your dysfunctional, whatever mom, you know it was so like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, I have been a Thrive Market member now for about two months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I absolutely love it. Basically it's high quality, uh, I buy meats primarily. They cater to all kinds of diets. I, you know, paleo, keto, plant based. They deliver the highest quality organic and sustainable essentials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to get their meats personally, I throw them in the freezer, uh, grass-fed, high quality, and the best part is that my membership


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Join today and you'll get up to $20 in shopping credit towards your first order. That's t h r i v e market.com slash y m h to start your risk free membership and get up to $20 towards your first order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I heard that there was leaked footage of Lana and David, uhm, and they took it down, like full footage of when Dave- David, right? That's his name? Yeah. It was Lana, and then he bullied her around and was actually a bit of a prick to her and stuff. Mhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you think that man has a speech impediment on top of just a thick regional accent? Is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So July 4th really brought out the patriotic talks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I know what you're saying, uh, Jamie, it's like, how does this person A have the wherewithal to know what TikTok is? Like, most people, moms, don't fucking even know the app, and then to be able to figure out how to make a TikTok, and then post the TikTok, it's pretty varsity level shit. I only know what it is because of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Hillbilly Rick 3. Cause Hillbilly Rick. Oh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I liked her Smoker's Cuff and I think what was neat was that it was very, it wasn't deliberate, it was spontaneous, it was real. You can't, as an actor, you guys know how hard that is to make authentic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, so there has been a backlash on the talk of white power people, like saying like, oh, white is beautiful. So this is one of the lanes of, uh, the white, the white, the white people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Now that guy's shitting his pants, making some McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, is this him on the last one, the sixth? Oh, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That 33 inches, you do all that digging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah? Two, two, three, two, two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In your fucking community, man. This is the fucking guy. Do I wanna hit you? Oh, I'd love to bud. I'd love to, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking. What's going on? It's Charles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really have to be suspicious of the people who make fun of you over the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or they just look like they don't shower. Or they just look like they're fucking assholes. Or they look like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're bigots. Like they'll call you a creep or something, when they might as well just go into an area and call a black dude the N-word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People I consider to be retards are people that support Trump, people who support corporate Democrats, and people who talk to women like they're on Jersey's shore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and I don't know if this is just me, but I, I have a hard time answering people's dumb questions when I'm trying to take care of my kids. Like I focus so hard on like making sure like, oh, I'm watching the two year old and then they'll be like, so Christina, are you, what are, are you exercising? What are you? And I'm like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't do both. I can't do two things at once. Do you know what I'm saying? It stresses me out to answer dumb questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over there. Where's the garbage? Oh, that makes me crazy when they don't just look for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Themselves, like, where's the ice? Motherfucker, where's ice normally?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was exciting, but I can't say maybe our exhaustion is also from the excitement of just having new interactions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody was exhausted. We all exhausted each other. And then in preparation for their coming, you ordered 57 croissants from the local bakery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember the time we ordered all those wild wings? Yeah. Was that in Alabama? It was. How many wings did we order?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were in our hotel room with just boxes and boxes and boxes of wings. It was so great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's, it's an Italian restaurant and they just happen to make cuesson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody. You know, it brought so much joy to so many people at such a tough time. Just like Wood did. Heroes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that great? I was just thinking, how many farts has our nanny heard? Oh yeah. We think like she's not listening. She hears our farts all the time. And I just had this fantasy of like when, when we stopped working with her, when our kids were grown, I want to bring her in and be like, what's the worst thing you've heard us say and do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do love, I do love an open fart like that, like where you just know you're alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, you're absolutely right. And I would say though, the timing is that he bent down and that's when the fart came out. Now, I normally would be a little nervous to do that because of sharding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well we record, this is morning, it's only 10am right now. He could just have slept through his alarm. You know, there's no need to be worried. Just yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yea. Like what? I dunno. You think he started doing drugs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But oddly enough, I can see myself going that low in life. When I used to smoke, like I think for me that was the lowest, cause you just know you're killing yourself, but I enjoyed it so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I liked smoking when I was drunk. That was probably my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I liked it after a meal, that's true. That was a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or even before us, before us, that was my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I loved it when I was thinking. I loved it when I was nervous. I loved it. I just loved to smoke a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I just replace the habit, I just, now I feel feelings a little bit more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, I went into hyperdrive, so like my stages personally, I can go through them, is like fear and anxiety.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I already had the toilet paper on back order, so I felt good about that. I went into anxious food prep, I was cooking non-stop, and that's when I became a quarantine wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think honestly, you know what I think it is? The caffeine is an expectorant. It brings up the phlegm. Aha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so what did you do in the beginning of anxious and fear? How did you respond when everybody was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see I do the opposite. I go to the world is ending. Everything's horrible. I need to get supplies. I need to, I need to make the world as safe as I can. I'm going to prepare. I go, I go into like Marine. Yeah. Cause that's what I did. I was like, we're going to, we're going to beat this. Yeah. I go crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we snapped into action. Actually, I remember when this first came down, we were like, we need to do a special YMH broadcast. We need to broadcast from the bunker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember that. And then I, I immediately went into cooking compulsively.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was cooking different recipes from people around the world that I was friends with, and then that got into wig buying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I immediately tra- I stopped cooking and then I bought wigs on Amazon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well plus like, the package shows up so much later, when you have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, oh I'm no longer in that state of mind. This doesn't feel as good anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like out of control and then compulsive drinking and eating on top of it. So then I was like, whoa, I'm fucking the points right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I went into Etsy, buying necklaces on Etsy. And then I went into buying 80 sweaters on Etsy. And then I rained in my eating. And then I started exercising and eating better and then I would drink every night. And I'm like, why aren't I losing weight?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like Burt was cooling. Yeah, I was such an idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then now I'm like uhm, I think I'm just tired. Like I'm tired of all this shit that I've been doing to not feel anxious. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought he was Russian. I thought he was Russian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so are you suggesting that he may be Russian born and unaware of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, are you saying that he's trans- transnational? Have we just invented a new category of being?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, this brings up an interesting debate is that is his accent Russian or just retarded? Because maybe he's just talked and he's got like a different accent and he's talked. Do you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, and you've been watching these in secret. I watched them all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 10,000 hours of practice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christopher Reeves, was he down to- Did he do that or he just did the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was really messed up. But how do they practice their adjustment work? Like do they literally take homeless volunteers or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, it's like, so maybe they have to be homeless, homeless people are like, Yoshis of the world, that are like, sure, whatever. You can, how much money am I making? $10?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, hold on though, but can you get paralyzed from a bad chiropractor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so risky, like especially, you know, which one I hate the most is when they do this one, Tommy, they go, okay, on the count of three, one, two, and then they do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was enjoying watching this woman clean her jar of jelly. She just wiped down the lip of the jar. Satisfying? Yea, I was like, oh that feels really good inside. I don't do stuff like that in my personal life, but I appreciate it when I see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I would, now let's just recap our positions here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that would make perfect sense for her because she likes the prep. She likes the 20 times, uh, enema and, and, uh, dicks in her butt. So she's got emotional problems and that's fine. That's her thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, it's like when you're excited for the event, it's not, it's not tiring, it's exhilarating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Much like Christmas, I love the holidays and so decorating the house and getting things ready is exhilarating for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, now that I just had a flash of insight, Jean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like why I'm not really interested in anal is because brown is so yucky, caca-pupu, yuck-yuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but then, again, to prep by taking all the caca out, it still makes me feel like, why am I dealing with caca for fun sex?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think, uhm, you know, Burt is disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is insanity. That is insanity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Same. Same. And he's clean. Josh, no way. Chris? Oh, Chris for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I knew somebody, and we've discussed this before on the show, but it still baffles me. They had a mother who wouldn't brush until the afternoon. I'm talking after lunch, after coffee, after everything, and they asked her why, and she was like, I don't like the minty taste of toothpaste. And they go, well, there's many flavors you can do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's vanilla, I mean, there's vanilla chocolate flavored, there's bubble gum flavored, there's cinnamon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, but let me just talk from a personal perspective. How nasty have you let yourself gotten and then gotten with a chick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's easy to do. Oh my god. You know, one time in college, my freshman year, I took dieters tea. Have you ever taken that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I didn't know that, I just thought like, oh it's a diuretic, it'll make you pee or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I drank it all day. It was a Friday night and we walked from our, from the campus to our friend's house, which was like a 15 minute walk in San Francisco. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, we're drinking beers, drinking beers, and then I was like, fuck, I have to really shit. And it was like a party and everybody was there. And you know, like it was one of those doors that was kinda loose, you know, like anybody could still walk in. And I shit so violently. Violent shit. It's like Dieter's Tea makes you violent shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, fuck, I can't, like, I'm so embarrassed. All, like, these guys were there and I looked really cute that night and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had a few more rounds of diarrhea at this house. I would just go drop heat and then like walk around and pretend to be okay. Yeah. And then, and then I eventually walked home when I felt like the waves had passed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I read Tristan's email? Yeah, sure. What's it about? Can I get to this? Uh, this is funny. So, Hi Mommy Tina. I can relate when you talk about finally coming to the revelation that you can buy two chargers. Remember, we only had one phone charger. Or can install a mini fridge in your bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My wife and I came to a similar game-changing revelation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on to your tec cups and queue up the cat eating kibble. My wife and I do not share our sheets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, they might have two twin beds. They could push them together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I thought that was an interesting idea, and if you don't love your spouse, sure, go ahead and do that trick. If you don't mind being divorced in a few years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not sleep in separate rooms too, Tristan? Separate beds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's just, you know, practical, but not romantic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I watched Dirty Dancing for the first time since I was a little girl. And it's such a fucking dumb movie. And can I tell you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the premise is, baby, this nice Jewish girl, they go to a camp or whatever with a family, and she hooks up with like, the dancer Gigolo, right under her nice daddy's nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the whole movie is her just rubbing it in her sweet dad's face that she's like the town whore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just because he's not like you, it's like, well no, you misled your dad. There's also a thing where Johnny, they thought, he, dad thought that Johnny knocks up one of the dancers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it really did upset me. The whole time I'm just furious that someone has a nice family and they're just being cunts about it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would kill for a sweet family like that who didn't torture me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a rare condition in which two or more distinct identities or personality states are present and alternately take control of an individual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least. And I didn't understand those different sexualities. They listed a few I'd never heard of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've never had like a one night stand. I need to have an emotional connection with somebody before I can let them put their peener inside of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether you're new to the gym or you've been lifting weights for years, it's hard to find the right


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Workout program and stick to it, which is why I love FitBod. FitBod is a smart fitness app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] FitBod's algorithm factors in your goals, experience level, equipment,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Workout duration and muscle recovery to intelligently craft the perfect total body workout program just for you. With each workout, the app learns your abilities and plans workouts designed to maximize your results and by cycling new exercises into the mix,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] FitBod keeps your workouts fun and fresh. And you know what I love about FitBod, Jean? You don't need to have a fancy gym full of equipment. You can do it with no equipment even they have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many wonderful workouts to choose from. Get a personalized fitness plan that helps you work out smarter at fitbod.me slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try FitBod for free for one month when you sign up today at fitbod.me slash mom. That's one month free when you sign up at fitbod.me slash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy Johns. Tommy Johns. I missed him and I'm glad to see he looks better. The last time he was a little strung out on something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, well, now I want to find him so we can berate him for his failure as a producer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dumbest ones. It's so weird. Maybe Zolo could, uh, Google 2395, Wagner Houses, Apartment 2C.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, do you realize on Google, look, Robert Paul Champagne, that's his house, like he's got a pin drop or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Can you see what it is? It's a dog eating a chicken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh we got his eyebrows tattooed on, and then are those ladybugs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the tattoos actually. I like the eyebrows. Yeah. Looks good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I liked the gentleman in the white costume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has, and you and I were talking about Pierce a lot after we met him. And one of the things I was, it was so funny cause I go, we were talking about a car and I go, it's interesting that he could put his dick in his butt, but not at the same time as his balls. Those go to either side and you were, you were like, yeah, duh. What'd you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've never thought of it, but then you, you were almost angry with me at the suggestion that he couldn't do both his balls and his dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's not, it's completely possible and I, I, I throw the challenge to you, Pierce, if you can get your balls and your dick in there maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'd have to put the nuts in first, and then comes the dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he did start the butthole challenge. Why can't he start the balls in your asshole challenge? Let's see how many guys out there can do what Pierce can do. Not many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my direct pipeline to psychos. Usually you have to wait for them to upload a video to YouTube, and then if they can do that, this is like direct access to really troubled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, lemme, may I plug a video I did, uh, YMH Studios? I did a tutorial video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you think you can talk and I walk you through my methods of curating. So you too can curate a feed as pure and as wonderful as mine through this video. Right. If we get to keep the app. I mean, geez, I'm devastated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they've got a video of a guy shoving nuts up his butt. That's the information they got for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does he, does he drink full sugar Kool-Aid or like at least?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Like, how many calories is a gallon of low sugar Kool-Aid? It's gotta be crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, aren't there a few other jobs where they make you watch your weight? Like I know flight attendants can't get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the same goes for models like on the internet when I do my online shopping, they have models that look as fat as me and I don't like it. I don't want to see a chunky 44 year old mom. I want to see a skinny pretty girl that I'm pretending to be in my brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I like gay male ones too, a lot. Those are my favorites.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, this guy is so lucky. Tom, do you think-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I'm sure they've had to have an arrangement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you be willing to share a photograph of your new room? Of course. I'd love to see it. I'd love to see it. I think everybody would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just excited thinking about which 27 year old I'll get to bang when we're together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I came down, I came down to I like Ryan Gosling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you know, my Jean and I have been together for 15 years, right? Is that it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll tell you the way we keep things spicy is with adamandeve.com. I swear I buy this fella cock ring after cock ring and he loves it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's so much fun to add little, little things like a cock ring into your sex life can make it so much better. And it's not a lot of effort. And I love Adam and Eve. It's the number one adult toy superstore. There are toys for men, toys for women, couples toys, every kind of lube and lotion, lingerie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so many other sexy gifts. Take advantage of this downtime that we're all in right now and choose almost any one item and get 50% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At adamandeve.com with the code YMH. And when you do, you'll also get 10 free boredom busting gifts, including six spicy movies, spicies, a three piece bonus kit. And best of all, free Shepard. Shepard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And best of all, free shipping delivered discreetly right to your door. I know you're like, I don't want to get a box full of dildos cause my neighbors will see it. Don't worry. They won't, they won't even know because it's so discreet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just remember to use offer code YMH, that's YMH at checkout for this amazing deal. Go to adamandeve.com and use that offer code YMH to get 50% off just about any item plus 10 free gifts. Use code YMH at checkout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe you. He came home, ear to ear, smiling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so let's walk through because we didn't talk about on this show, what's the danger of putting brown in your meal? You don't want brown in your meal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's why they look like shit. I mean, it's destroying your body. It destroys a lot of cells and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For all our sakes, we need to avoid crowds any way we can right now. But what if you need to go to the post office? Well, that's what Stamps.com is for. Hello? You can print postage on demand and skip those lines and crowds at the post office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For all our sakes, we need to avoid crowds right now. And that is why I use stamps.com. I have an account. I do it from my own house. I print postage, uh, using my own printer at home. They even give you a digital scale. I save money on postage. And guess what? Now stamps.com even has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] UPS! That's right, UPS. It's so simple. You just print it out, you let them know, the mail carrier comes, picks it up, and it is the absolute best. We've been using stamps.com for years. They are such a great service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitment. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Mom. That's Stamps.com. Enter Mom. Stay safe, my friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And love with her. She's beautiful, as you can see, she's charming, she's very warm and caring. You can tell there's a lot of love between you two, but you guys are also...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leanne Kreischer was on here, good morning Leanne, and she said that she believes a quarterly blowjob will cut the mustard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. And I would never know. You're so put together. You never, you never give up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing. And may I say too that Susan came wearing a very low cut dress and no bra and she's got those beautiful big naturals. They're naturals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So hold on, you guys started having anal at 50.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, that's pretty amazing to start a new sexual practice like that so late in life. I mean, that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The kids were out and you were like, I'm ready to, cause she says it's your doing. True. She blames you for the angle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's interesting is that Mrs. Robinson and the graduate is like my age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did anal at 50. Now is this a practice that you've kept in the rotation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think it's more exhausting for Susan to get vaginal or butt pounded by you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have to say that it's so, it's, I love couples who love each other. That's our big thing. We've always enjoyed each other's company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that's a good question, so now that you and Susan have been cooped up in the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's been really fun. Maybe you should get back to fucking, because I feel like you guys were good at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a deal, I haven't had cream of wheat since childhood and I'm such a huge fan. I just stopped eating it, I was on a low carb diet. So, the other day-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh gosh, there's like a week, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. I like this. I follow a guy on TikTok who cuts open bodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be fun. God, so many dudes would buy that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, just know we don't torture people we don't really love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. S-A-A-T-V-A. Go to Saatva.com slash Y-M-H. Get $225 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your order, $225 off your order just for going to that URL, satva.com, S A A T V A slash Y M H. We're huge fans. They have incredible hotel like five star hotel like mattresses. They have memory foam mattresses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putting those amazing savings they give you, uhm, to use. Sleep comfortably, sleep well, environmentally friendly, and high quality products all at


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Satva, of course, watch this episode and pay attention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the giveaway that we're going to be doing with Satva as well. Uh, once again, satva.com slash YMH. Thank you, Satva.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up, Proto-Maniacs? It's another episode of Your Mom's House. Hope all you Chomos had a great week. Uh, we got a really big episode today. Uhm, there's so much to get into. There's really a lot, uh, to talk about, a lot to show you. Uhm, nobody does a better job of going all over the world wide web.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And finding the most premium content to share.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a large listening and viewing fan base, we're so proud of the work we do here. We know that it enhances your life as well as our own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And without bias, you're not gonna see what the real story on CNN or Fox News. You gotta dig deeper. Thankfully we dig for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh-uh, uh-uh. No, you can tell he doesn't have any carbs in his life. No. Now, uhm, I think I should just probably get into the show. I'm really excited about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we're trying to work it out. I don't know what you're talking, like what you wrote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like, here's what I would like. That so hit me the right way. If you could print that on some nice, you know, thick paper, like cardboard kind of paper, and we'll frame that. Like stationary? Yea. Let's frame it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. I appreciate you recognizing your many flaws and how it can affect other people. And uhm, you know, I think you're wel- I'm saying you're welcome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like those words. I think what I maybe would have gone from there is thank you for kicking me so that I know where to go shit now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did great. Okay. Proud of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's, uh, now let's get into the show, okay? Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was beautiful. It was really good. It was really well written. It was the right thing to do. I'm glad we have it in our past now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, pee is stored in the balls. That's right! That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be so great to have Fauci on. Like he's been doing all these press requests. Zoom in and then just have him talk all about corona and be like, real quick before you go, sir. Yeah, what's that? Is peace stored in the balls? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't matter. Anatomically, we were always, we were convinced that semen was produced in the testicles and that it is not. It's solely for your urine storage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what about a vaccine? Doesn't matter, doesn't matter. Reach down and feel all that pee in your bowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever see the, uh, YouTube Australian, uh, like, morning show? Not from the 80s, from like three years ago, where the guy just comes out naked and the doctor's just like, he's like, these are his testicles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has never struggled in that department. Wasn't he on one of those reality shows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So crazy. Have a great life. That's the end of a show. Have a great life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to sex ed. You might notice that your body's changing and you're feeling different. Maybe you wake up and your dicks rock hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna stand out in school, alright? If you wanna stand out, you gotta go varsity. Start fingering girls by the lockers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First I did a thing where you were supposed to take notes during the sex ed and you could even do depictions. And for, for the, we got, when we did penis and testicles, I drew like a huge dick and balls and I just remember the teaser walking over looking at my paper and just going like that, walking past me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I got, I went home and I totally, uh, fooled my mom. I go, uh, oh, I just wanted to tell you something in, uh, sex ed today. And she goes, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna call her and see if she remembers? Yeah. Let's call her. I remember this so well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, I'd be like, you know what the fucking craziest shit was today? My teacher jacked off in front of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, why is she the worst? She never ever ever answers her fucking phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought he was gonna be like, I remember when I was in 8th grade, I was hooking up with this chit. Hey, is mom with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to see if she remembered when I was in 8th grade and I told her that my teacher pulled his penis and testicles out, uh, during sex ed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, ask her if she remembers when I told her that my teacher pulled his penis and testicles out in 8th grade in sex ed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chado, do you remember when I was in 8th grade and I came home and I told you my teacher during sex ed pulled out his penis and his testicles in class? Yes. And what did you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Cause I told you that he told us like, this is the penis. These are the testicles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a lie? Yeah, it was a lie. She still doesn't know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom, I told you later that same day when I saw that you were going to make a phone call. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I told my dad's all excited, uh, Lotus lent me a car for a few days. Yes, they did. So I get to drive an Evora GT. Thank you, Lotus. It's really fun. We drove here in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really fun. It's really cool. If you really enjoy, uh, uh, true sports car experience, that Lotus is, uh, it's really fun. Low to the ground, you know, you get that, like, that it has like almost like go-kart feel to it. I love that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's back. She's back. Well, no, she's playing online. So maybe she's not back. Okay. Yeah. Where's that folder? The one you tell me what? What is it in? Is it in 552? What is it in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this has, this is an update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've done so much for the, uh, United States military and I just think I speak for all Americans when I say thank you. You're welcome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How we can talk about those tit cups coming without revisiting some norm stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's stop for a moment and just point something out. Episode 550 of Your Mom's House will be studied for years. Okay. It is, it is definitely in the podcasting hall of fame. People will talk about, you know, the first time Elon Musk was on Rogan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, so many, so many whammies. So many big, big things happened. Uh, to me, it was watching a senior citizen eat his own shit. But to some people, it was something else. But being that we got those tit cups coming from Europe, and that we learned about tit cups from Norm, I think we should see what else Norm is up to, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's on his hands and knees in what appears to be probably his kitchen. He's completely naked. And, uh, he used like a barbecue lighter to flame his dick for a while. As he held the, uh, the, uh, what's he called, the metal piercing that is in the head of his dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to take a quick moment to address something a few weeks ago on this very program.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I said some harsh things about the world of professional wrestling and its, uhm, athletes and fans. And I just want to tell you, a lot of what I said was careless, it was thoughtless, it was unnecessary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of us can try to do better, myself included.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just kidding. I don't give a fuck about you. Alright, now, let's surf to real news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, exactly. He hasn't learned the art of feathering yet. He has not feathered it yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Conalds. So, am I getting this right? He was stabbed. Yup. And then he's saying he kicked the guy in the mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, uh, quick question. What are the chances that Fred Smoker stabbed his own leg?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still is like, I'ma smoke this cigarette. Arrrrgh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of your mom's house is brought to you by hymns. What is a really common issue? A lot of men face, they don't want to talk about genius or think long and hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, 40% of men by age 40 struggle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not being able to maintain, get or maintain an erection. That's when your penis gets hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do they do? A lot of those guys do nothing or they go to the gas station and they get over the counter stuff and it's just, you know, it's a waste. You should address it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do what we all should be doing, which is going to 4hims.com, the one stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. Why would you let us pass without addressing it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just, you have a real licensed doctor have a conversation with you online, securely. You don't have to go to the, you know, doctor's office. You don't have to do any of that weird stuff where you're waiting in the waiting room and then you're uncomfortable. You're just online in and out and listen, if you actually meet the requirements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're going to send it right to your door. What could be better than that? Try HIMS today by starting out with a free online visit. Go to 4HIMS.com slash house. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 4HIMS.com slash house prescription products are subject to doctor approval and require an online consultation with a physician who will determine if prescription is appropriate. See website for full details and safety information. This could cost hundreds if you went in person to the doctor's office or pharmacy. Remember, that's 4HIMS.com slash house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's get to it because something shocked us to our cores. Uh, it was a few weeks ago, but that doesn't mean we can't talk about it. And that is, of course,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The infamous David and Lana on 90 Day Fiancé before the 90 days. Uh, David was the show's most celebrated dunce. Uhm, he had gone four times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the Ukraine from Las Vegas to meet his girlfriend of seven years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he paid her upwards of $100,000 to chat with her on a dating site.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He hired a private investigator in the Ukraine who first called him when he was in Las Vegas and was like, yeah, we did the invest, you know, we did everything. She's a scammer. And he was like, no, she's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy's like, look, we see it all the time. She's on the same, the person you gave it, she's on eight different sites at a minimum. She's probably doing this to at least eight different men. And he was like, not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he goes there, he meets with that private investigator. The private investigator tells him


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, I don't know what language to say this interview, but she is a scammer and you're getting hosed and he goes, sir, you are fired. He's like, good day to you, sir. And then he gets up and he leaves. Let me ask you something. If you are watching or viewing this podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just look it up. Go to YouTube and just type in David and Lana. Experience the joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is this man's just unwavering certainty that this woman is his true love. Now, here's the big spoiler. After all this shit, all this fucking obvious, you know, manipulation by this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She contacts him again, even after, and she says, I'll meet you Monday at this one park. And he goes to stand under a statue and she appears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's what they're leaving out so far. And this, by the time that this podcast comes out, we probably will have more information that we don't have at the moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not telling you that she's not a scammer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. All they're saying is the photo of the person is actually a person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She even mentioned in one of the little interviews we saw on this episode, she was like, I hope he brings me nice things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And he's not a wealthy guy. So, she of course is gonna be like, oh, it's a wealthy guy. So, he also...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she probably knows now, but the amazing part is before he went to Ukraine for the fourth time, he went to a jewelry store with a friend and the friend was like, are you sure you want to do this? He was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're like, alright, so what's your price range for this, you know, here's all these different diamonds and how diamonds work. And he was like, I'm thinking, you know, like, uh, $200. And the jeweler was like, uhm, so you want like a cubic zirconia? And he was like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I love that he's had agents call him before and they're like, why is everyone calling you racist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so this is, okay, oh, okay, spin-off, 9.8, for any of you guys, uh, highest ratings ever among its key demos according to Nielsen, the network, among the P20, the episode earned, uhm, what is that? 4.4 million total viewers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They even have a commentary show, 98Fiancé Pillow Talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it earned, uh, great, 1.57 among that, 2.2. Can you scroll down? Is there any more data? Uhm, yeaah, so 4.1 on another episode. Yeaah, so that's like crazy numbers for a cable show now, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna see what happens with Yolanda and Williams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and there's a pretty well known American, uh, hip hop act, Soja Boy, and this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Soulja Boy. Right, Soulja. There's Soulja Boy in the United States. Had, you know, quite a few big, big hits and, uh, this is Soulja Boy who's gonna just show up and be like, you don't hear the difference?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi Jessica, it's uh, it's Tom and Christina. How are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, where did, what did you be, what were you binging? Are you into something in particular during this time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, girl. What's the, uhm, what's the forecast according to you? What do you think's gonna happen here in the next, you know, six, eight weeks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How strange has it been for you? Like, I've actually moved past how weird it has been to not do stand-up in this long. You know what I mean? Like, or isn't it? Me too. It's like, now I'm like, oh yea, I used to do that. I feel like it's like, oh yea, I used to work at a warehouse in college. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you lean out your window every day at 7pm and say thank you first responders and like clap and everything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a big one. You gotta remember that to lock the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then one of them is looking for coke, uh, one of them-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, they have different styles. They're all whores, but you know, they're just different types. One of them does have dimension.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of them can't stop crying when I don't last long with her, if you know what I mean. So, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, we have totally the same preferences. I love you so much, Jessica. Hey, I wanted to ask you, I didn't get to ask you this, uhm, I got, a lot of the professional wrestling community got upset last week when I insulted them. Are you a wrestling fan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Look, when you're out here next, sometime in 2024, 2025, will you please come see us again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are the best. They are the best. And it made me so happy that you were such a home run when you were here because, uh, you know, it's just, you deserve it. You're so funny. And, um, yeah, we can't wait to see you again. We can't wait to see you again. Big hug, Jess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, those are bigger than some people's dick. Those are dick nips. She's got dick nips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like the porn we pitched Potter doing when he goes fully blind. Remember? Yeaah. Like the guy just rubbed their dicks on his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, this is a big nipple, but this is a big nipple. Cause they tell him, oh, this is just a nipple. And then the four brothers come in and yeah. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm one of these guys, there's a question, is that considered cheating?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a newly discovered thing we've never even


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't nut with that shirt on. Just gotta take it off so she can get a nut off, you know? Right, uh huh. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, god. Cool Guy tries the RPC technique? What's this all about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants you to manhandle him, that's what he's saying, you know, I have feminine legs, and yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was nice that he would touch his whole body and stuff. It was really cool. I don't feel sick or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Whoop. Check it out. It's not a game. I wear this thing every day. It's my favorite thing to do is wake up, uh, do the actual moment it takes to open the app, see how I slept, how many disturbances, what was my heart rate throughout the night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much time was it? Did I get what I needed? And then I can feel it right away. You go like, Oh yeah, I slept enough. Today's going to be a great day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you have your strain coach telling you, hey, you can actually push it today. What's your HRV? What's your resting heart rate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, get going. Do something today. I love it. I love having that data. You can look back on and see how things affected it. Were you stressed out? Did you have alcohol? Did you take marijuana? It all is a factor in how you perform. For our listeners right now,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoop is offering 15% off with the code, yourmom, y-o-u-r-m-o-m at checkout. Go to whoop, w-h-o-o-p dot com. Enter your mom at checkout to save 15% sleep better, recover faster and train smarter. Optimize your performance with whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to batch four. Well, let's get into your talks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're a listener, there's somebody on all fours and they're using like cups under their hands, um, clacking and clown around and pretending to walk on their hands and feet. My guess at this brief talk is that this is the wonderful result of PCP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, on a dirt road and there's something that's backing it up and this dude just dunked down for like a minute, came up and threw some trash out of it. People are gathered around and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No yea, that is, I mean I, my eyes bugged out. I was like, how long is he going to be down there for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? What's that Tom? I don't know, I just, I could tell something was up. Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not like a setup thing, that's real. I don't think so. This girl just casually grabs a cobra out of the air? How is that possible? This girl's sitting on like a picnic blanket, you know? She's sitting by a, by the marsh, by a lake, you know, maybe, I don't know, 30 yards from it or something? And you just see a snake?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I see that her eyeballs are all black. Wait, hold on. Is this a her? All of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then, you need to lead with that. You need to say, I'm not sure. I mean, you're very offensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well that's what you should say. You should say, I don't know. Don't fucking act like you know. You don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how come every time I would take a walk, everyone just looks at me? Yeah, I have body modifications, so what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my eyes are all black and there's horns coming out of my forehead. So what? Stop looking at me. A lot of people have that. God. I've tattooed my face and my neck and my chin and my neck. I mean, what's the big deal? You've seen this before? And you might be totally confused as to whether or not I'm a man or woman or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I was thinking about? Because we always talk about how super fame


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, you know, makes you fucking weird. But I gotta say, I now think it's fame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as you're watching it, you know, you're reminded, even though you already know you're reminded just what an impact Michael Jordan had on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's sitting there talking like a guy you'd- at a bar you'd talk to about games. So true. You know, he doesn't seem stra- you don't watch when you're like, the fuck is wrong with this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, they're all weird, you know, McConaughey's weird, Johnny Depp's weird. All the famous actors and entertainers are weird. And then, like I said, the athletes, you know, they're just like, oh yeah. I mean, he, you wouldn't know that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] MJ was who he was if you didn't know him, you know? He seemed like a guy talking about this game and that game and I mean he's a psycho because he's such a crazy competitor. It is fun to watch it as an adult because you know all my exposure to Michael Jordan as a kid was just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just, in your mind you go, he's just the best player.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just the best. He's like Superman. And then as an adult, being able to revisit those times and seeing what he put into being the best player.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had no appreciation for that as a kid. You just go, oh this person's just talented, you know? Right. You don't realize that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was so obsessive and had like the craziest


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Name brand dude, you know what I mean? Famous guys who are all like, who if you were to walk into a gym and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try to play basketball with, I don't know, Glenn Rice or Charles Oakley or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any of those guys, they would just embarrass you. And he embarrassed all of them. Like he's, that's how naturally good and how obsessive and driven he was that he made all these pros, monsters, 6, 10 guys that are just genetic freaks. He made them all go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike's about to wear our ass out right now. Saying crazy shit. I love that episode, I think seven or eight, where he's calling his teammates, like, teammates. He's like, shoot the ball, bitch, do a layup. He's like, come on ho, call people hoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't think you can talk shit? He's the most famous trash talker in sports history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He was more abusive to his teammates than to opponents. It's crazy. Yeah. Punched people in the face, called them bitches, hoes, and they probably cut out some words that he was like, you just can't air that one.