[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. But the way that Dr. Drew explained it, Tommy, is that there's an IQ and there's an average, right? Yeah. So in the middle is the average. So you have the middle and then all those motherfuckers. Yeah. And that's a lot of people. Yeah, it's a lot. And then the above average, it's a littler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to talk about it, it's gonna make me mad again. I know, I know, I know. I feel like I have to start drinking already. It's so funny how like, yea, she has that, I get that way. I'm like, should I start drinking now? To deal with this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting in on the joke. A lot of, uh, Instagram memes made about Eni. He's on the, he's as the Cholula lady on the thing of hot sauce. People really are getting into this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, sorry, sidebar, you know, Eni does say that a lot. It's the best. It's the best. I mean, if somebody were to put together a compilation of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, BabyZolo, you were in a fraternity. Did you ever get to join your frat brothers and party in person? I did. Yea yea yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, good for you. Did you guys do keg stands? Did you beat up nerds? What did you do? All of the above. We had a really good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I'm growing. Um, so, but I remember Zolo could eat copious amounts of food. He and the dog were kind of head to head for him in there with those lafas. Remember when he would get the baby size lava and Zolo, you were in the lead. So have you cut back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, it's like seeing the world through your child's eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite part is when he goes, I had oriental warts. Jeff's like, they don't call that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, back in the day. So, you know, I feel like we can't go on unless we address what's happening with that knucklehead poutine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that scene, okay, it was made of the, no, Steven Seagal is not fighting with Russian special forces. But he is pro-Russia, he loves, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, even when Steven Seagal goes against his favorite leader, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So there's so many great stories that are coming out, um, from Ukrainian fighters, you know, women, women on the front lines being like, you want your son, your Russian son, have your mom come and get him. It's so fucking bad ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ukrainians are being pretty, from what I've, the stories I've seen, civilized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Full on. That's what these knuckleheads do, these Ruskies. They come in, they destroy, and then everyone speaks Russian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is true. I know, there's a reason they make the best porn, right? These Ruskies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's terrible. What a knucklehead. Did you hear that this Texan, uh, joined?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, but usually you hear this out of older Russians, people who remember the Soviet Union and they're like, well, yeah, Ukraine belonged to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is really, really sad to watch. Yeah, my heart goes out to the, it's so, it's like, I've been so upset about this story. I know, I know. I don't like it. You quit being a knucklehead, Poutine. Stop it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Online therapy. Relationships take work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of us will drop anything to go help someone we care about. We'll go out of our way to treat other people well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how often do we do the same things for ourselves? How do I, why don't I give myself the same treatment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this month BetterHelp Online Therapy wants to remind you to take care of your most important relationship, the one you have, with yourself. Let me tell you, I've been doing the therapy for a decade. It has changed my life for the better. I can't even fathom a life


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without therapy, it's just so helpful. BetterHelp is an online therapy that offers video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And see why over 2 million people have used BetterHelp online therapy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and your mom's house listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash YMH. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who hasn't had this? Who hasn't not had, who hasn't lived this exact month?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That happened to me. Do you remember in Santa Barbara, like in 2007 or something we were just dating?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, okay, la la la. And then you're like, oh, look it, I think that's Oprah's house or whatever. And I'm like, babe, I have to go, kaka, you gotta pull over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is so crazy to me. Because when I have to shit, I have to shit now. Like that's, that's me. That guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so fucking crazy to me. So the other day, I hope you don't mind me sharing the story about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we were, we went on an overnight romantic getaway to Fredericksburg. Are you listening to me? I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, we're there and we're in the, in the bed in our lovely little cabin. And I heard your guts gurgling a little. And I asked you, I asked him, I said, do you have to go poopy? You did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then re- what's the? As I recall, something very magic happened for you that day. You remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is amazing to me because if I have to shit, I can't fuck. But you, when you have to shit, you still fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's say on a scale of 1 to 10, that's 10. Oh my god, I have to shit. There's no way I can fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you don't feel the need to shit while you're fucking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The duration that you need to nut. The body prioritizes needs. So gentlemen in the booth, Nadav, can you suppress your need to shit for your need to fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, a bird in the hand. Like you had the, you had my bird in your hand and you were like, don't you dare. Don't you dare. Now you don't think that I would have let you shit. Yeah, you would have, but I was, I, wait a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any other boys in the booth would like to give their, we know Annie doesn't really brown that often, so I'm assuming fucking is a priority over shitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is fascinating. Guys, write in, let me know. I feel like this is a hot topic. I, I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nadav, you and I are on the same page here. Yeah. I can't fathom having to shit and fuck at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same! Or just the, I don't feel sexual if I have to shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so disgusting. There's shit caked on the back of the bowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen it that bad. Even your kaka marks are, I mean he literally has like a whole turd caked on there. We have different diets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I wanna die when you say stuff like that. Your face is terrible. I need to stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trust me, that's flattering for what you look like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eww, that's more like it. Yeaah. Yeaah, that's more what you look like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's your sneeze face. That's your, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it is. There you go. It's horrible. Oh my God, that looks terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, shh. Burt took a fucking gnarly dump. He's nasty. In my toilet. Yeah, he's nasty. I don't like that. He's a very nasty guy. This is why I had a women's bathroom separate from you animals. So that I don't have to deal with you guys pooping anymore. Yeah. In my area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how gnarly it was in the old studio? I would go in after all of you took dumps. It was horrible. Especially after lunchtime, when everybody took their after lunch dumps. Yeah. I mean, not any, obviously. But, disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he down? Oh my god, I love Hunter, is he down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you should try hunting cause you're, you know, you always talk about wanting to hurt things and kill stuff. I think killing stuff might do this for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand that. I mean that deer was super cute. I felt bad for the deer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, who goes in there? I know. We already know. We're gonna get flagged. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anytime, like if this guy could just hunt pediophiles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, in Bay Area. That's not where you want to get arrested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it should just be legal, right? To retaliate against that crime. That's terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, a hunter-is-he-down guy comes pretty hard after killing that deer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I always like when they wish people a good day. Very important word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dynamic, charismatic, unfit, like, usually you don't have to tell people you're amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do think in the order of our cool guy club, like, he hasn't crossed the line here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're right, that some woman is like, oh, he fine, you know, cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As we found too with cool guys, they like to stay on message. We generally don't digress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really likes it, which is alluring. I think if I could find one attractive thing about him, I'd do appreciate his enthusiasm. I like that he's into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool. Well, thanks for sharing. I'm so happy to have an update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So consistent. They don't really deviate from the message. Such a great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so anyway, I, I wanna bring up, you know, this came out a while ago, so it's, you know, but I got so many people sending me the new Victoria's Secret model. Did you happen to catch that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now here's my favorite. So Sophia Giroud becomes Victoria's Secret first model with Down syndrome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, not only is she Puerto Rican, which they're touting that she's, you know, she's Puerto Rican, um, she's 24 years old and she's also a model with Down Syndrome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She shared the exciting news on social media at joining the fashion brand for a new underwear lining campaign.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One day I dreamed of it, I worked for it, and today it's a dream come true. I can finally tell you my big secret. Jirau wrote, I am Victoria's Secret's first model with Down syndrome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I see what you're saying. You're saying that Victoria's Secret is making you J your D to a girl with Down syndrome and is that acceptable?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's the thing is, okay, it's our great Jenny and, uh, what's his name, debate, uh, Forrest Gump debate. Was Jenny taking advantage of Forrest because of his diminished mental capacity? Same with her, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beautiful, but I'm saying like, she is of diminished capacity. Does she, how do we know she can make these type of decision to be sexualized? Like you're saying, it's like, it's an innocence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Which is the gig, let's be honest. Well, and also, like, Victoria's Secret is trying to rebrand itself as like a pro-woman thing. Like, remember, instead of models, they had accomplished women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they, so that's how it used to be. It used to be like the hottest of the hot models were Victoria's Secret angels and they were stunning, gorgeous. Everybody wanted to be an angel growing up. Okay. And then it changed to women who are accomplished are now Victoria's Secret models and those chicks


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have impressive brains, not impressive figures or faces compared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not fucking with this model, but it's gorgeous. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause we don't know that she's capable of, of saying, hey, I know what this job is. I know what this func, what I'm doing here. I don't, I think she's, she's too naive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's really funny to me is they chose to go not only the Down syndrome way, but like, and she's Puerto Rican, like we're multicultural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what this reminds me of? This is how I feel about Euphoria, that teen show that I'm really into. It's like, I'm very, I'm very, uhm, what's the word I'm looking for? Confused. Cause the kids, they're 17, 16 year olds, and they're so hot, and there's tons of dicks everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, I'm attracted to it, but then I'm like, oh, but they're supposed to be like teenagers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if I were 20, if I were in my 20s, yeaah. Not now. He doesn't want to see my fucking middle-aged mom body. I'd be too embarrassed. Okay, look at that boy. Which one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you just see the dick shot of him with the Amy about, but it's like, they want me to want me. Like obviously guys, who's watching this? Middle-aged moms, not teenagers. Teenagers are too busy going out fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, he's gorgeous and they show him in the shower all the time and he's always fucking Cassie who's like super hot. She's hot. You wanna see hot cake? You wanna feel conflicted?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cassie Euphoria. This girl's body is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So beautiful and fucking perfect. She's got huge cans and they show them all the time on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at her, but Google like Cassie Euphoria naked or something, cause there's naked shots of her on the show. She does like selfies nude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, oh my god. I don't know how old she is in real life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look at her big naturals, and those are naturals!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think that way. I'm a little more self-conscious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this guy is perfect. He's a football player. He's like the captain of the football team or whatever. And


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There he is. I mean he's like perfect. He looks great. And they bang all the time and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The older woman trade off is that I really have to. Skills. Yeaah. Yeaah. I gotta show him what 20 years of skills looks like. Exactly. So what do I do when we're doing it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did I put my finger in his bum bum? Of course. Here you go, mighty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this is why maybe I can't do it. That's the trade-off. There's too much pressure, you know? Yeah, that's the trade-off. Well, what are you doing for Cassie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, and you think Nate would forgive my stretch marks and mombod if I was just more of a pig, is what you say. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Cause guys will bang uglier chicks if they put out wildly, right? Like if they do crazy stuff. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause sometimes the hot girls from what I hear don't put out as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true because I don't give a fuck about, like I'm not worried about how I look and like once I'm there I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a huge fan of Euphoria, guys. But you know who I'm obsessed with, actually, is the trans character Jules. Uhm, she, she's a boy who transitioned to a girl, and it's cool because they didn't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so like heavy handed woke crap. It's like she's a real person and you get to learn about her story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, she's gorgeous, right? She's rad, and she's got a great personality. And uhm, I really like her. And she's in love with Zendaya, who's amazing too. It's a good show. You gotta get into it, it's super dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I think, so she's a model too in real life. Really? Yeah. God. She's really cool. I'm really obsessed with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, she has the best outfits and the best looks too. I love Jules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're having fun on this show too. It's not like those squeaky clean teen shows where they just hold hands and bullshit. Like, these kids have fun. Well yeah, you said there's dicks in the show, and that's a really good sign. Well, episode 3 of season 1 I think, there's 35 dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sentai is such a good actor. Anyway, check it out. Try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to see hot teenagers and feel guilty about how odd they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is gonna happen to Victoria's Secret? Like, what's the brand now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't even imagine. Like first it was smart chicks. Boo. Nobody wants to see smart chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fuckin' don't care. It's like I, what's her name? Blossom? Mayam? Mayambolic? Oh yeah, yeah. I saw an interview with her and she's like, I have a PhD and I was gonna teach physics and then I got cast on the Big Bang Theory. It's like, but, but here's what gets me is like people like that that have amazing things happen always go, I didn't even want it to happen. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh really? Wait, hold on. You didn't intentionally go out on the audition, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't make that happen. You did, you did want it to happen. You auditioned for the show. I love when-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, but can I tell you, I just hate when people don't assume responsibility for their wants, needs and desires. Like, just say it. I wanted to be on television again. I got lucky. I got cast in this thing. I know I don't have to teach physics. I don't have to use my fucking brain. I can play make money. Yeah. I'm making millions of dollars on a stupid sitcom. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, how, how do we consent? How does she consent? Does she need to have her parents consent?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. And he really overlapped your reactions to like, mm hmm. Yeah. It's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I miss prank calls. I used to be a really, that was a really good art form in my junior high. Jerky Boys? High school. Yea, it was an art form. They were great. To do great prank calls. And I would have conversations with strangers all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember like chat roulette when that first came out too. That devolved quickly into just dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, we could all be speaking Russian by next week. I'm just enjoying my last few moments of freedom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Freedom! America. Yeah. Freedom of speech.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or asking them what their pronouns are in kindergarten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, like in America we bitch about no equality, like it's pretty good compared to the rest. Not perfect, but pretty fucking good. Guys, we're getting there. It is pretty solid here. We're getting there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putin. Is that, and the one good thing about the Cold War growing up is that people were so against the Russians, the Americans, that we really had a sense of what it meant to be free and we guarded our freedom and I hope this hopefully re-energizes our belief in the American democracy. Democracy and freedom. Quit whining about shit bitches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I am going out on a limited availability because I watch our baby jeans, so if you wanna see me, you gotta come out, yo. April 1st and 2nd, Charlotte, Charlotte, sorry, North Carolina at the Comedy Zone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I do stateside the Paramount Theater here in Austin, Tejas, April 13th, LA, one night only at the Regent Theater as part of the Netflix is a Joke Comedy, uh, Festival. Mini Appletits, May 6th and 7th. I am so stoked, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, I'm stoked. And then, um, Irvine Spermvine, California, May 20th and 21st, um, Atlantic City, right? That's in Junerzies? What's that called? The Borgata?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] June 4th, June 5th, Boston massive, huge tits at the Wilbur, hilarities in Cleveland in August, and then Gashville at Zany's in October. ChristinaP online.com for tickets. Get them now, homie. Right now, right now, right now, right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. Thanks for coming, man. Yeah, for sure. Thank you. I'm, uh, always struck by your numbers. How fucking successful you guys are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did, and let me tell you that, number one, when


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard from Knoxville on what was, I believe, a group text that, uhm, he was actually looking to make a fourth movie. After like ten years of there being no jackass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I, I was probably more shocked than anybody. I was so, so thoroughly convinced that the ship had sailed, that it was done, and I was like, man, I'm glad that I, uh, really put some hustle into getting my own stuff going. Yeah. And then all of a sudden Knoxville is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they said, we're thinking about bringing in, uh, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it, it's context, it's all about context.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when I lose my mind and it happened, uh, like two days ago, like uhm, someone just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just at the top of the heap of shit that pisses me off so much. You know, it's like, it's like, wait a second. I just stopped to take a photo with you and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, it was even worse. I stopped to take a photo of someone else, and then because I stopped, like, you know, people start, like, it looks like, uh, like a fucking zombie movie, like, there's all these zombies walking towards you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the third movie that, that I got sober for. I was not sober for everything through the second movie. As we were, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now Newly Sober and I asked for the first time in what was over a decade I think at that point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, you know, is there like insurance for that? And they said, oh no, um, like a standard workman's comp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, uh, applies to that. It's like, wow, workman's comp kicks in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a new, responsible guy, but I was like, oh, work is kind of okay, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Credit to Jasper because I think they needed that as a pick up shot too. Oh really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I started my YouTube channel, one of the first videos that I put on there, I put up two at the same time. So I launched the channel with a video called Stevo versus Beer Bottle. And in this video, Chris Pontius broke a beer bottle over my head. First try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and everybody said it was fake. Like I mean literally the comments were just there like, fake, fake, fake. And I'm like, ugh. I'm like, aye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it, uh, it's not good, you don't wanna do it all the time, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, it came out in year 2000, October of 2000. So we just celebrated 22 years. And,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in spring of 2001, very shortly thereafter, I, I, uh, started this, this, uh, don't try this at home tour. It was, uh, like, uhm, it, it, it, it was born of just a random,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where the idea was for me to perform strictly stunts that were not, uh, allowed on, um, on television. And I promoted the tour by saying, I will be drunk and on drugs. Or your money back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, the upsetting behaviour. As part of this Don't Try This at Home tour, every fucking show, every show was upsetting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dinks to my head though. My entrance on that tour every single night, I'd walk out with either like two 12 packs of Budweiser cans or like a 24


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been, I mean, I think everybody knows that you can't, uhm, identify CTE in a brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, without the person having passed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's so crazy that you, that you, uh, say that because Tony Hawk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, I don't remember how it came up, maybe we were talking about CTE, but he said, man, I heard that there is a particular gene that some people have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, uhm, makes them predisposed to, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, okay, the stapling of the ball sack to the leg, uhm, it, it, uh, typically would be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, that, it wasn't ever too crazy. Jesus Christ. Uhm. And, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, I feel pain. I'm just such an attention whore. Okay. That my, my, my, uh, overdeveloped need for attention outweighs my desire for comfort. Gotcha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I'm a rabbit attention whore and that that drives me in everything that I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, my proudest thing I've ever done, I would say. Really? Yeaah. It's just really a great book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As all the time passed and the first book got older and older, you know, I got to a point where I was like, man, you know, I ended up reaching out to my literary agent saying that, you know, it's been 10 years since my last book and the 10 years have been properly fucking crazy, like I think I have another book in me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the response from the agent was, sadly, memoir part two is not a thing.


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[Assistant] And I said alright, well, for what it's worth, uhm, on my new tour.


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[Assistant] I come out on stage and like the first thing I say is like, Hey everybody, I'm in a fucking shitty situation. I'm Steve-O in my forties. And you know, it's like.


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[Assistant] It broadened to a book of, of general wisdom. Wisdom gleaned from a lifetime of terrible decisions. And it's basically just a vehicle for, uh, for me to, um, spill out, like, just how fucked up my life has been for the last ten years. And, you know, uh, assigned to it, like, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, those are two very distinctly different questions. You know, like, what have I learned? And I think that, like, every chapter kind of addresses a different thing. The first chapter, for example, is, uhm, don't be afraid of dying, be afraid of getting old.


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[Assistant] You know, like that, uh, like getting old is way fucking scarier than being dead.


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[Assistant] Like this terror that I feel about, about uhm, getting old.


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[Assistant] And, and he was completely unfazed. He said, uh, nah, I can think of, uh, people who were old and, and


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[Assistant] And I'm not accusing you of being disparaging of Madonna. I just, I just think that, that it's really, it's like what I think is scary and this is not pro or con.


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[Assistant] Like, uh, you know, what do you do for fun? You know, like you can't go out drinking. You know, like, and I was like, well, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I mean, I basically just never, uhm,


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[Assistant] You know, like booking a great guest, like that, uh, gives me the hit.


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[Assistant] And, and, and, you know, not to, uh, you know, put myself down for the nature of, of what I've done. Like, I, I do a lot, man. Like every week, eh, at least every two weeks, I have a new upload on,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got my main channel for like, sort of marquee content that I really agonize over, I've got my podcast channel, I've got my podcast clips channel, and I've got my Spanish language channel where a guy with a shitty voice speaks in Spanish overdubbed on my content, you know?


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[Assistant] That's a lot of work. You know, I've got my tour. And, and, uh, fuck, I tore my ass up.


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[Assistant] That's beautiful. That one I'm not mad at them for taking down.


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[Assistant] One could say that what I do is not important. You know, that what Jack asks, you know, what we do. However, I submit that arguably most people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like maybe they don't love their job. I think that's most people are not passionate about what they do for a living.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people, like, uh, aren't in happy relationships, you know? A lot of people have health concerns, you know? Like health, there's a lot of people with a lot of fucking stress, and I don't purport to do anything that's gonna solve anybody's problems, but by distracting people, by


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Creating content that is compelling, entertaining, funny, like whatever. Enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've coined a term for us. We are professional distraction therapists. There you go. That's a pretty good way to describe it. That's so true. Distraction therapy, man. Nothing more of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Skateboarding, you just mentioned your kids. Uhm, I'm gonna take this opportunity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, they get all... They love it. Yeah. That's rad. That's so rad, thank you so much. Who comes up, who tells you not to? Is it TSA? Well actually, it was, it was, it was at the TSA when we were flying from Detroit last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, yeaah, I came through after my, my girl Lux. And uhm, I just wheeled the board over to her and she stepped on it and this, this guy went over and said, hey, skateboarding through the airport, uh, against the law and it comes with a $500 ticket. And I was like, give me my board back, I'm burning through this airport.


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[Assistant] And the other thing I wanted to share with you guys is that the last video I put up on my main YouTube channel was called, uhm, it's called Humiliating and Illegal Behavior that Got Me Banned for Life.


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[Assistant] I mean, there were like six really good ones. And one of them was Delta Airlines. Wow.


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[Assistant] They said, uh, this is a non-smoking flight and federal law prohibits tampering with the smoke detector in the lavatory. And I was like, alright, well I'm not even gonna go in the lavatory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, uh, they made sure that, that I was gonna be accountable for the fine.


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[Assistant] Oh wow, I like her. Yeaah, she's pretty cool.


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[Assistant] I don't see, like, a teeth being a problem for her.


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[Assistant] It would have been, it could have been a lot better if it was six episodes. Maybe even eight, but not ten.


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[Assistant] And he's like, who, who would play, you know, they're asking like who, like what actors would play. And it's so fucking like unsettling to watch an actor saying that about like, like what kind of what they're saying is so fucking upsetting of an idea and what we're actually consuming is the idea manifest.


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[Assistant] We were talking about trying to uh, tow cars with butt plugs, like uhm.


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[Assistant] Oh shit, I unplugged myself. Um, the, uh, that, that whole butt plug is a...


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[Assistant] Who's in his asshole? I was gonna not tell you my idea, but when I see that butt plug, uhm, the, uh, this is an idea I've had for fucking 20 years. Oh wow. Okay. Uhm, it's called butt sumo. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You spray paint a circle on the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sumo wrestling ring. Okay, the two contestants enter. They have their backs to each other.


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[Assistant] Into their butts. They have to keep the dildo in their butt and crash the other man out of...


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[Assistant] The, the double-ended dildo can be. That's fucking pretty long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so counterintuitive that like such a large...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had the best conversation with Drew. During the pandemic, I was afforded an opportunity to finish this bit from my bucket list show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where, uh, you know, the idea was to be knocked out by, um, illegal general anesthesia drugs. And, um, the, the, the idea was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, an epidural, and that he would happily arrange that, uhm, like,


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[Assistant] Is that uh, that my bros are just fucking crazy enough that they were down to find out how paralysed I really was. So it got dark.


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[Assistant] I really wish I could talk you out of doing that, but I know I never will and you're gonna do it anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, the, the, the first time we did this together, I could think the bar was set pretty high. And I think that this one delivered. It did. I wasn't, I mean, I wasn't out to like outdo it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On, uh, on this, uhm, this last Jackass movie.


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[Assistant] I'll be putting together my next hour, you know, reasonably soon.


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[Assistant] And I'm also reasonably sure that the doctor is gonna be like, oh you don't wanna put huge things up your butt.


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[Assistant] I got in trouble with my girl over this one, right? Like uhm, the uh, the idea is to kind of train.


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[Assistant] I mean, this is what I'm going to talk to Pierce Paris about when I get to Vegas. You know? And uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but my girl actually, she put her foot down on that one. She said Pawnee is putting his flaccid penis into the PVC pipe, just so that, you know, so that it counts as a goal.


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[Assistant] Okay, are you fucking ready for this, bro? Yeah, let's go. Now we're gonna see some shit.


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[Assistant] This is the kind of shit they ask idiots like me. You have to study for this. You ready?


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[Assistant] Pretty great, though. Okay, I'm gonna put together another test if you guys wanna have a rematch, Chris Larson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't think GoFuckMe would be an outstanding website?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funniest ones I ever got was when I did Comedy Central Presents. They didn't give me notes, they gave me, like, the legal, what's it called, like, uh, there's a department. I forget what it's called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. Go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash The Shit and get $200 off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Cool. Pretty cool. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome back. Welcome back to your mom's house. We're back in studio.


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[Assistant] No, when we did the audio book, we did the audio book here, they would also be like, got a little hot on that pee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having your pee and I was like, eat my pussy.


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[Assistant] It also reminds me of somebody's outfit in Beetlejuice. You know, like the cool couple or something. Aren't they wearing like...


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[Assistant] God, what? Mmhm. Five thousand dollars?


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[Assistant] Yeah, well he wears that, yeah. He wears that, yeah. But then there's like the cu- what's the couple? No, not them, the, uh, the guests.


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[Assistant] When they have like a dinner party, they really dress up.


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[Assistant] Michael Keaton's underrated for it. He was like a huge star because he was in major things. Then he just kind of took a step back. But damn, that guy's a great actor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's mixed reviews, but I mean, you know, it's long, but I enjoyed it. It was like, it was enjoyable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's darker than Spider- I mean, Spider-Man is for fucking teenagers. Like, it's for kids. You watch that movie and you're like, this is a fucking kids movie.


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[Assistant] If you're a man and you like Spider-Man, you're a pussy.


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[Assistant] I don't think it necessarily feels good, but I think if you like to get hammered that's probably what's happening with Batman.


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[Assistant] Can't wait for all the emails from the Spider-Man pussy fans that are right in.


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[Assistant] Why can't I? I don't get it. What's the big, I mean, you can say it, I can't say it. Like he's wondering why hot chicks get likes.


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[Assistant] And by the way, if she has no goods, it won't last. That's true. It's a flash. When these comics get mad about things, you're like, dude, if there's- Don't worry about it. It won't last if it's no good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. It's the worst one, that fast, that rapid, you know, acceleration to the top. That almost always crashes quickly. I know, slow and steady. You should watch that shit, like, scared of it. I know. Not, not wanting it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got, he was wearing very cool sunglasses for his video in his bedroom.


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[Assistant] I mean, why, why are you wearing th- First of all, those are the worst sunglasses you can buy. The worst. Like, whoever chooses that- The worst. Usually, you know, hangs them from a thing, uh, on their- Or backwards. Or backwards on the back of their head. For sure, yeaah.


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[Assistant] I know he has like either yellow or orange on his truck, whichever color he's feeling more.


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[Assistant] It could be Florida, and for sure he's gone to, uh, the nude place in Jamaica.


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[Assistant] It's almost like, I think foreign trash, foreign meaning foreign to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is always way scarier to the person. So Valley Trash to me, I'm like, foof. Like I get, I think about like, you know,


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[Assistant] Just, I don't know. It scares me in a different way. Florida trash can be very scary, but it's also more familiar, like I know that piece of shit. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you who it is. It's uhm, it's right there, Jeremy. Eric. Yeah, he plays Eric.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy, yea type in Eric, bloodline Eric. I hate the images. That fucking scumbag. I fucking.


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[Assistant] I knew a thousand guys like that. And you see them and what you do is you just go like, alright, like stay away from this guy. It's the kind of guy that goes, hey man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's a real fucking scumbag. And they all have shirts like that. You know, sleeveless shirts. It's hot as fuck down there.


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[Assistant] Yea, they always try to sell you something, like you were saying. They sell shit to you.


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[Assistant] That sounded like a fucking circus name. Okay. Nah, he is phenomenal.


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[Assistant] Well he thinks this is a clever observation. You understand? He posted this because he was like, I got one. So that's what he's going to be like in conversation.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you ever notice? It's gonna be shiver, you're like. Yeah, I have noticed.


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[Assistant] Uhm, hard and fast. He sucks. He's a terrible lay. I think he comes pretty quick. He's no Batman. Yea. Yea, you really think Batman's gonna really make love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, and Lou Friedman has sex. No, you can't have sex with that guy.


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[Assistant] It's a fantastic question. What I'm saying is you are wrong thinking that Superman's not going to make the best love to you. He's Superman.


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[Assistant] I don't think, I think the Batman is a little more aggro than you are thinking he is. I mean, he is torn and he might cry and all this shit, but I still think that you're going to get some bat pounds in there where it's like.


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[Assistant] It's gonna get, it's gonna get dark. It is gonna get dark. He's too emotional. Yeaah, he's gonna be like, eat out of the toilet or something.


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[Assistant] But here's the thing, Iron Man, billionaire, multi-billionaire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Billionaires are used to just getting everything brought to them taken care of.


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[Assistant] Of course. That's true. Everybody's serving him all day. That's true.


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[Assistant] Which you can make the case for Batman too, cause he's also a billionaire.


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[Assistant] Stinky box. I think you still go down. It's Wonder Woman.


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[Assistant] No Catwoman's gorgeous. I know. And in this latest one, isn't that what she's playing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, Lenny Kravitz and uh, what's her name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, she's in the suicide squad. Suicide squad. Oh. Sold.


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[Assistant] For sure, for sure you can't keep up with her. Like her demands in bed, I'm saying, starts fun and then like after an hour you're like, hey, uh, you want to get something to eat? And she's like, huh? And you're like, um, what do you want to do? She's like, get your dick out, get it ready again. You're like, I can't.


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[Assistant] You start crying and then, but then you still get hard. Look at her fucking face, she looks like a crazy bitch right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, here's the thing, yeaah, it's like, that's a different, that's like the elegant sexuality, and this is like, you know, go to jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. What's that all about? But in their out, in their like, their uniform, whatever, they look like they're built for fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's really good looking. Yeah. And body. He's jacked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is every woman's current. The guy's perfect.


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[Assistant] Well here's what's nice, look, hit the picture below to the right there. He's not even real. That means that between, between shooting things,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He takes it easy and lives life a little bit, right? Like he's probably on vacation. He's not as jacked there. And then they're like, hey, the movie starts in three months and he's like, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I heard that about, uh, Matt Damon, right? That like, he's like between movies, like when he's got a break, he's like, I eat and fuck. And then they're like, Hey man, this movie's coming up. And he was like, fuck. And he just like starts to die.


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[Assistant] Henry coat dehydrates himself for those scenes. Yeah.


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[Assistant] No, he's not married. This guy is out crushing box all day. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Wait, that's just a picture of him with someone. That doesn't mean that that's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me start practicing Jujitsu. He's been an avid PC gamer.


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[Assistant] He was also named the total worst, da da da, and K. There's nothing else about women there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he's dating Natalie Viscuso? I don't know who that is. Who is that? Do we know?


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[Assistant] Just, there's a, there's a fucking limit, but you can have young chicks, just- 32. Oh, that's fine. She's just got that filter on. Is she an actress?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm more like a dick. Pull up an image of her. Or another one, sorry. Let's see what she, uh, this young lady looks like. I want to see what Henry...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh my god, could you imagine? It is rare though where you see an attractive woman and you're like, yeah, but he's fucking even hotter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who I met in person who's also like striking handsome? Cause you don't actually meet...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men, and I'm not saying there's obviously there's millions of good looking men. I'm saying where you're like, Jesus Christ, man. I met Jon Hamm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, he's like a striking good looking guy, you know, like he has like leading man looks where you're like, wow, kind of like makes you step back, you know, like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that a real article that says ordered to wear underwear? Is that for real?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ordered to where? I mean, this is probably an old article, but is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's from 2013, it's years ago. Uh, according to reports, the actor who plays is apparently a fan of going commando, but madman bosses have asked him to put on underwear to remain true to how, oh, men dressed in the sixties. Okay. That's hilarious. If they're like, dude, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also was like, I'm naked on the bus a lot and like, I just like do it and like, you know, nobody cares. I'm like, you've asked people. He's like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are their boss, you know. He's like, oh. I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can't just be like naked around employees, right? He's like, Oh, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you push your body too hard or just feel run down, it's extremely important to stay


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hydrated making hydration a priority helps us feel better on a day-to-day basis today literally this morning


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In flavors like watermelon, lemon, lime, strawberry, pina colada and more, grab Liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco, or you can get 25% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use the code YMH at checkout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 25% off anything you order when you use the promo code YMH at LiquidIV.com. Experience better hydration today at LiquidIV.com promo code YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. Uhm. Geez. Well I don't think so with her as the example.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm trying to think. It's gotta be like somebody that looks like they're spit out of a machine with their level of attraction, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There used to be like, I'm trying to think back in the day, like there were like supermodels like that where you'd be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, somebody. You know who over there on the right? Uhm, I feel like, uh, is it Linda Evangelista?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In person too. I'm sure Linda Evangelista and Christy Turlington in the 90s, I would probably feel like what you're describing. I don't know somebody today to know who is like that, but I think back then I would have been like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello. Stunning. Yeaah. That would probably be a thing. And Christy Turling- Christy Turlington.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is uhm, I think still looks like that. She still does. Which is really crazy. Cause she has like, such a unique, like a, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But her, at the height of her modeling fame, good god, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love how they cite that, uh, the drinking, uh, also leads to exaggeration in stories, just like what Bird is known for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so high functioning for having that disease.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you missed it, you know, there's a very real possibility that if you're in the Ukraine right now, you could be kept held hostage somewhere in a building.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you want to graduate out of the release of the building, you have to have anal sex with seven men who have progressively larger penises. You can choose whichever order you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you get to kind of rehydrate and replenish yourself, fuel up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's also like some really nice people, good staff, social environment, really well trained.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can have multiple meals there while you recuperate, and then you go to the fourth floor that has, uh, 60 of the 75 greatest players in NBA history and you have to make them all ejaculate with your, give them blowjobs, give them blowjobs. And that's everybody from like Cream of Jewel Jabbar, Michael Jordan, Jerry West.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] LeBron, like so on and so forth. 15 are dead and you don't have to do it to them. But the 60 that are alive, you have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you get released. Which is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on? Reference and email. Okay. Oh, oh, I got it. Oh, I didn't realize I had photos here. So you can, um. Oh, this is the final.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd probably find a booth that had like, the right fit for you, and you could curl up on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I gotta tell you, that fourth floor is hell. I mean that is a lot of work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, it's, it's ungrateful too. They, I mean, they're superstars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're hall of famers. They're not going to be like really, you know, thank you. Thank you. So no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. You're gonna need like major dental surgery and work when it's done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if I get drug horn? You can do sober, but it's mouth only. You can't use your mouth. That's why it's really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you what I think would be the worst part of level 4?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, I can't do 13 more of these, you know? And like in the 13 that are left, they're all like the senior citizens and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, you can. I'm saying in that, in that scenario, I was just imagining you'd left the old guys last.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I'm telling you, with the size of these days, it's gonna be numb real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're talking about the end of your life is at Chili's. I'd rather go home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a hostage. You don't have fucking visitation rights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're all just waiting on the other side of this booth being like, can you just blow those 60 guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like almost they were like, show emotion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's a restriction where you can't see any activity, and there's a restriction where nobody else can. If you go to like, see that AT&T one there in the middle? Cause like, I see different things from mine, okay? Let's see if I comment it here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said first of all, especially the refugees, like no shit. Who else would we be talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, I commented, and I got to comment on like, a post a few minutes later, and then I went back to it later, and there was, it was up, but there was zero likes. I was like, oh, he put me on, he put me in jail again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I remember what my comment was too. It was, um, let's say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To help the Ukraine. And he, yeaah, he, he fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, uh, especially the refugees.


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[Assistant] I think part of what goes on in his head is if somebody is doing something like that sincere, he's like, I have to be more than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like if somebody is like, we're standing up, you know, we're raising funds for the Ukraine. He's like, well that, that seems here. So how do you do, how do you do that more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you deliver that person's message, but be, let people know you care more than the person that just said, let's raise funds for the Ukraine. You know? So he, then he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She does it like a person, and he does it like a robot, like a programmed robot.


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[Assistant] Yeah, hundreds, hundreds of millions. Multiple hundreds. Yeah. Come on, dude. Yeah, you're right. But do a big ass stadium show for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One big ass show for the Ukraine, for the refugees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Look at that. Look at that net worth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you could also send those thoughts and prayers. Those mean a lot too.


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[Assistant] Oh, hold on, let me fucking get everything ready to go here.


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[Assistant] Can I ask you real quick, is it hot when that happens? Like is it a turn on? Is it like Henry Cabell is there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, we're gonna suck on your tits while you're here. That'd be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's too bad. Cause I'll tell you this, when I had my colonoscopy and when I have my testicles examined by a physician, it is fucking hard dick city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just the way they touch you and then like usually they end up taking their dick out and like it's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like two years ago, I wrote this one short film that I wanted to make.


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[Assistant] And I was kind of gearing up for it, and there's always, you know, you can always find a reason to not do something, you know what I mean? You're like, well, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta make sure I got the, these actors and the location. I don't know, you know, and you kind of put it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then like a little bit of time goes by and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You kind of think about it again. Maybe I'll do this other one. I wrote another one that I wanted to do and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I was kind of gearing up to do it in 2020 when the Pandy hit and it was like, you know, you couldn't do anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I started and I wrote another one and these are things that like, you know, they're like just stories that I've always, you know, I liked writing these, these shorts. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I call up my friend Rami, uhm, we're talking about maybe doing one. And then I got the idea. I go, look, I have this, this window at time during this tour. That's very, it's very limited. Uhm, and instead of shooting one, we're shooting all three. And the idea will be that we will.


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[Assistant] Make this be like my own episode of television.


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[Assistant] Uh, that I have no notes on. It's exactly what I want to make. And I can't announce the cast yet, but I have like some real talent in this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So paying for it myself, flying out there. Good. Shooting it and...


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[Assistant] I don't know where it'll end up, you know, it could end up on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The YMH Studios thing, it would be like a whole date, like premiere for us. Could end up somewhere else, but we're doing it.


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[Assistant] Do you know how many notes of value I've received over the years? I mean honestly, I'm talking about collectively. Stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Television, screenwriting, and book writing. I would say I got really good notes from my publisher who I wrote the book with, Suzanne O'Neil. She, she actually, I would read her notes and be like, these are fucking good notes. And that's a crazy feeling to have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In television, you know, the multiple pilots and things I've been a part of, I probably thought that one out of, like, eight of them were good, like, regularly good notes. Uh, screenwriting, pretty much the same. And in stand-up,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very rare to get notes, like most people's notes are horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you don't even respect their notes. Uh, their thoughts. I'm like, do you do stand up? And they're like, no. I'm like, oh, why don't you eat my fucking asshole? Because.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. And also, those people, not only that, those people aren't creatives. Like, the best notes you'll get for television writing is from another writer. Somebody who writes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best stand-up notes I've ever received were from stand-up comics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the funniest ones I ever got was when I did Comedy Central Presents. I don't know if you remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't, they didn't give me notes. They gave me the, like the legal, what's it called? Like, uh, there's a department. Standards and practices. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You cannot, and it was like, it's all, it's very matter of fact. That's the funny part. It says, your joke about how Indian people smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is not permissible because it implies that they are not, like it was like a reasoning for it. They're like, the Puerto Rican stabbing is fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, do not say this. And then it would like, it would like hype out racial slurs. Like these words are fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, those fa- I mean it actually, here's the thing, it is very annoying, but it makes you respect the people who have that skill set of doing like, tons of late night spots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a skill set, you know, uhm, who's done a bunch of them, like Chad Daniels, Tommy John again, uhm, I think they've, they've really done like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, there's a bunch of comics I'm leaving out, but like, they can just nail that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Short TV. Well you get, also you get accustomed to doing these long sets where you establish kind of everything. Rapport and tone. That's why it's like, that's where like the best, like the people who like are joke slingers, like really shine is in those five, seven minute sets. It's impressive.


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[Assistant] I am so excited. I mean, I'm investing a ton in it. It's a huge undertaking. It's like.


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[Assistant] Essentially we're shooting, feels like a movie, you know, but we're doing it in a really short period of time. But it's like, I mean, the team I have together is nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have people that work, like, the Marvel people doing prosthetic stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I should point something out. It's possible because of you. Like because you guys are the ones that actually make this possible because you guys have been so supportive of what we do that it's an encouragement to take this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Risk, it's a risk, you know? It's like a, it's a shot. You're going like, I'm gonna try to make this thing that hopefully people respond to. You don't know if people are gonna respond to it, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're only able to take those shots because you have the support of like a fan base around you. So I'm super appreciative of it.


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[Assistant] And it's put, you know, it's put these twats, these fucking jack off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, we, uh, I forgot to mention that I toured the South last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the drunkest audiences I've ever performed in front of.


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[Assistant] We did two shows at this theater in Pensacola, where on the late show, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It reminded me of late, it was, I think it was Friday and it was like, there's this thing and if you like stand up or you follow stand up, but you know, comedians on a second show Friday is supposed to be the most raucous kind of crazy show of the week. It's not always like that. And the reason is that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friday is the end of the work week, and if someone's going to the late show, it means that they're drinking probably from when they got off of work. So they might have like four hours of drinking in them, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so, and you see a lot of comedy club shows fall apart. Theaters are not usually like that. They're just not usually like that. Pensacola was like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was chaos at one point because here's what happens usually in theaters.


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[Assistant] Somebody says, alright, somebody heckle says something. You fucking...


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[Assistant] You hit em, right? Audience loves it, and like the show goes on. This crowd, it was like, da da da.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bam, and then this person, and then that person, and then six people here, and then the front row, and that's it. And at one point, you know, I'm doing this dance for five minutes, I go, do you guys want me to finish the show? And they were like, yeah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And literally I start the next sentence, front row lady goes, well, what about, I go, you gotta be fucking kidding me. And then they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of policing her, but the people are hammered. So I'm able to like finish the show and I was like, that was fucking nuts. When I got to the bus, there's people by the bus going, will you please come back? Uh, this, this show doesn't, they don't represent all of us. This is just, there's a bunch of rednecks here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, yeah, of course I'll come back. And they're like, really? I go, yeah, of course I'll come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I did, uh, I was also in Daytona Beach, that was actually a really fun show. Uh, Tunica was like, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought I was performing to 60 people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lies faded there, and I was like, are there people here? And they're like, yeaah. And they're like, alright. I was like, are you ready to have a guess? And they're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that, right? And I go out there, it was fine, you know, we got through it. It was not like, Biloxi was a lot of fun. You know what the show of the week was? Somewhere I'd never been before. I mean, by far, Shreveport, Louisiana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was the last show of the week, which is always how you want a week to end.


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[Assistant] You wanna know something funny? When he got elected, I was doing a college gig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in the cafeteria of a school in Colorado.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a guy said, he's the N word. And I was like, what? And I was like, I stopped and guess what he did? He repeated it for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a, it was a weird school. It was like a mining school. Some fucking, I forget the name of the school. And I was like, holy shit. I mean, I'd never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially like in a moment where you're setting something up and there's a nice pause and you hear like


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[Assistant] Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time. Thanks guys. Bye mommies. Bye. Big black cocks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New York City. I will be doing a book event June 13th at Union Square, the Barnes & Noble located there at 7pm. You can click a link in the description below and get tickets. I'd love to see you there. Thank you, New York. Uh, I think I said I wish I'd had a stroke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of your mom's house is brought to you by Sattva. Go to Sattva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit and get $200 off any mattress of your choice. Peace God. What's the science knowledge bone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. The clock is ticking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please pre-order your copy of I'd Like to Play Alone, please. I promise I'll stop doing this soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, it's not more important, but it is a day of significance if somebody knows you.


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[Assistant] Let's see, he's doing an arena. Not surprised. Are you gonna click?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just, if you go, like, got back to her, you see how it said that underneath there? Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, is there upcoming stuff or nothing's upcoming?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there it says buy tickets there in the right corner of the got back tour image. Yeah. Yeah. So just click on one of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like if one of the other guys did it, they'd be like, click through funds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is. Jesus fucking Christ. There it is, first one up. Alright. Okay. Okay, now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So you're fucking 80 years old and you're still that much in demand. That's wild. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mick Jagger out there still fucking smashing 24 year old girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, yeah, when he's talking to the 24 year old and she's like, so you're in a band?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's, you know, it really is the greatest thing in the world. Getting it in? Yeaah. And uhm, you know, if I'm 96, I hope that's definitely on the forecast. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's wild. You definitely have to take something to help you at that point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would take, it probably takes real work if you're like, let's get this thing going. It's like, yeah, it's not going to take you being naked or, you know, touching it. You're going to need to really slobber on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? No, there's, it says comparison. Mick Jagger slams the Harry Styles comparison. Hit that. Let's see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't have a voice like mine. Nice. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fuckin' rad. You gotta love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the old, like old school guy confidence cause he's like, let's see where you are in 50 fucking years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He comes to see me in lots of shows and yeah, I can see the influence, but I don't say anything to him. I just tell him he looks nice. I like him. He's very decent. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I like when people are so quick to crown, you know, like a young town, and then somebody goes like, easy, hit the fucking brakes there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least acknowledge it. You know, you know who was really good about that was Bruno Mars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Michael Jackson, like light or whatever. And he was like, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These, these, these are my influence. And then he was like very clear about it. He was like, I am heavily influenced by him and Prince and, and all these people like vote, both as a performer and as a songwriter. And then everybody's like, oh, okay. You can't act like it's not happening. That's the problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That pussy ain't wet, how's it gonna go down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it is, it is. Uhm, I'm trying to fuck you from every side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's uh, he's working quite a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's, he sings love and pop and like, it's like feel good shit. I can't even think of the song titles, but I mean you've heard, you've heard a half dozen of these songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure you've heard it just by walking through a building.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't really, I guess I, standing out, I don't really usually see any rock in the fresh dome, the fresh big dome like this. Isn't there usually a hat on? Oh yea, usually I got a hat. What prompted this choice today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, I personally like a guy like this who lectures women about their hygiene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you ready for the NBA champs to be crowned? Join the finals action with Draft King Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NBA. New customers can make any $5 NBA bet and get $150 in free bets instantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the DraftKings same day parlay, you can do just that. This NBA season, the customer placed a $5 same game parlay and won over $5,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Create your own parlay by combining multiple bets like which team will win, total threes made, total rebounds, and more. And boom, you have a shot at an even bigger payout. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. Use promo code MOM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make any $5 bet during the NBA finals and get $150 in free bets instantly. That's promo code MOM only at Drafting Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NBA. Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply. See show notes for details.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that's what it feels like. It feels like you're getting a physical and they're like, okay, and they're like, does that hurt? And you're like, I mean kinda, you're pushing on my intestines and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always go for the deepest and I go hit me, punch me, beat me, let me move in. Try it out. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I want. I actually hate when they're too small. Sometimes it'll be like walk and I'll be like, get the big girl because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it feels like you have, like you were traumatized afterwards. I like to feel like the muscles are incapable of firing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't even like, you know what I mean? Like when they do that deep for that long, it's like impossible to sit up. That's what I like to feel like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is like, so different than what we experienced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's just enough, just for someone to be like, I'm not having it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he would spend time with you doing that and he would never make a move either. Never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm kind of curious about what are the uhm, I think it varies like city to city, jurisdiction to jurisdiction, maybe country to country, about what you're allowed to do as far as noise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if it's super noisy though, like it's a, to start, it's bothersome, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but that's not happening here. This is not outside of the hour. He's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't do coffee well. Yeah, it's probably improved just because coffee culture has expanded so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Yeah, every time I've had. And also just like, I don't want fucking tea. Okay? I don't like tea. Unless I'm sick. Yeah. Like if I'm sick. Yeah. Or I'm having trouble like, digesting or, you know, I have a cold. I just never want tea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's okay. That's not room temperature. Well what is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck is wrong with you? You don't know what room temperature means?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Room temperature would be like, you ever see like a water, a bottle of water that's just been sitting out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ones that stay on the counter are room temperature. Right, but that, that is not the same temperature as that water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, before we forget, the Danny Brown Show. If you missed it, if you have not been listening, it is premiering every Tuesday. It debuts on Tuesday, it premieres on Tuesday mornings here on the Your Mom's House YouTube channel. You can also listen wherever you get your podcasts. It's fucking hilarious as Danny doing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His thing, whatever he wants, all kinds of wild shit, crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Graphics behind him and he just rambles and is so fucking funny by himself. It's fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, also, I've only been home a couple days, my dick has been rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This spring, add some power players to your grilling lineup with ButcherBox. ButcherBox is a subscription service that delivers high quality meat and seafood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Figure out whether this is good or old or high quality. This is amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] High quality stuff, the chicken, the ground beef, the steaks, they're all top notch. With ButcherBots you get high quality meat, delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100% grass-fed beef, free-range organic chicken, pork-raised, crate-free, and wild-caught seafood, and you get it at an unbeatable value. Less than $6 per meal on average. Kick off grilling season right with ButcherBox. Sign up at ButcherBox.com slash mom to receive a free


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grilling bundle in your first order. You'll get two 10 ounce ribeyes, five pounds of chicken drumsticks, and a pack of burgers for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's ButcherBox.com slash mom to claim this deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking coming up in May, and it's staying through June and July and August.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it reminds me that when we moved here in May of last year, I started to feel that blood go down there because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every day is like a show. I mean, heat storms, you know, just lightning, sometimes thunder, crazy rain, and it comes and goes, and it's like a show. And we have the perfect patio where you can stand. It's elevated and it's covered. So you can stand outside during most storms, unless it's real windy. It's fucking awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking cool. I really dig it. But the storms are the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Radical. Storm Dad is ready for this year. Give me what you got, Texas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was fucking rad to watch, more so than doing it, to watch our six-year-old just pick up fishing in a way that you're like, oh, this is what they mean when they go like, some kids just, you know, some kids are like musical and you're like, wow, this kid can play the piano. And he's, you know, he's like five or six years old. This kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not afraid of shit. It's so strange. I definitely wasn't like that. I would have been scared. I've been scared to hold that fish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, this is how, you know, and then I was like, you know, it just takes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little bit of practice to feel comfortable doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're like, I want to take the boat out. I'm like, okay. And then I'm texting you. I might've been like flying or something, but I'm like, Hey, really? You know, you should bring someone with you just for like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's not, it's just, it's, I think it's one of those things where it's helpful before you get comfortable with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, cruising doesn't take any skill. The skill is docking and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay, let's take a quick break. Uhm, when we come back our friend from We're Practically Joking is here and he's gonna join us and we'll have fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back. Thank you so much for sticking around, uh, during the break. Uh, we're being joined now by the great Sal Vulcano. Thank you very much. Thank you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy, just so you know, just so you know who people are asking if, if it's, uh, Is that right? Yes, it comes in every, they're like, oh, why'd they put Sal on the wall? Who is it? It's this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, you uh, you famously like, I, I said stuff that wasn't nice. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was actually talking to people at uhm, AE. That's where I'm going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was talking to them. That's, that's the people that own the, uh, the Jags, right? Yeah, Tony Connery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's who I was talking to for a minute, but it just kind of, you know, it didn't evolve, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I didn't say anything crazy. I said wrestling was retards. Right, right. Yeaah. I mean. That's not crazy. Not in this day and age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, the time, I did Whippets when I, I did it when I was, uh, 14, at a, a friend's older brother's apartment, and I fell over the coffee table. I didn't know that. Really? Did you break it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the ready whip or something? No, it was like a canister. Yeah, crack it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When did we find him? It was a number of years ago. Uh, oh, I think just right here. Oh, the actual, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I actually thought it was like not completely known.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cause is unknown, uhm, but it is thought to be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just was like, and just the timing was right and I was just talking and then I looked at him and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I had a teacher that came to school after Bell's Palsy got him and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, we're sitting there like sadist, what happened there? And then, you know, he explained to us what it was, but you know, his whole face is like hanging off teaching classes like that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got one fact. Yeah, yeah. But it does start to improve in a few weeks. Uhm, by the way, if there's no improvement, you should tell your healthcare provider. That's a good note that they tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Chrissy Tarlington too. It looks unbelievable. You can tell that like their, their genetics are just incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what she said? Six cheeseburgers a day. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unbelievable. Look at, look at Christy Turlington. I think she's one of the most, like, natural. You're like, this woman is, I mean, that's her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? I definitely know what you're saying. Yeah. Might tie her down for eating crackers. Never pay a price.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to have like monthly appointments. No, you're not going to do it monthly, but like, look, there's nothing wrong with like wanting to look. Yeah, you'll look great. Fucking you look great now, but like why not? You said that you thought the guy was fucking 17 years younger than this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you do it? Yea, I would do it. Really? If, if the same scenario, uh, happened to, like to me, that just happened to you, I'd be like, sure, I'll come see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I guess what's a hurting one, right? I mean, you try. I mean, they're not hurting you. I did it once. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, people assume to be clear that I am between 7 and 15 years older than I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta look for the positive somewhere. It is a good beard. It is a good beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, fuck it. Uhm, this is what I wanted to ask you. You're from Staten Island. Yes. Is the whole crew from Staten Island? Yes. So, you guys are a group of people. You're from Staten Island. You could say that you're a clan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, it's a couple things. It could mean, you could obviously, the Wu-Tang Clan is super famous. Have you thought of coming up with a clan name, something, you know, like the Ku Klux, something that like is a clan name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you guys go, like it's always, you know when you grow up somewhere and like you watch a movie and you're like, oh that's the fucking Topanga Mall. Like when you, when 93 came around and like these, this explosion happens, was everybody like, this is fucking from here? It was our proudest moment ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And hip hop especially, you know, everybody always talks about the Bronx, Brooklyn. Nothing came out of Staten Island, really. So you guys were like the forgotten borough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he just went in and was like, you guys aren't shit. You guys aren't shit. I don't know anything about it. I know that you're from there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know Wu Tang and I know Pete Davidson. Yeah. And then that's the only thing I know. Okay. I don't know anything like, I don't know what it looks like. I don't know what the culture is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's probably slightly colder because of the air conditioning, but it's basically room temperature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she was saying that she likes her coffee. She goes, I don't like it hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you a cop? I've heard of, I've been with people who like piping hot and I think that's also insane. Like when it's like, like the steam and you're like how do you, how do you sip it? It doesn't burn you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coffee drinker. And I like it cold, but sometimes you feel like hot, but I don't like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I wanna, you do, okay, cause I, we love, we love Chris DiStefano here, and you do Hey Babe with him. Which is really funny. I see clips of it all the time. You guys have natural, amazing chemistry together. And then, uh, he's gay. But then you also have- Jory's out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, you guys talk a lot, do a lot of takes on foods, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can have these arguments and conversations. We were talking briefly about a couple of things I feel strongly about. People argue with me and they'll send me hate about this. I don't give a shit. You don't give a shit. Uh, number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dunkin' Donuts is dog shit. Okay. I absolutely think it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the donuts, yeah, the donuts are fun. Like I don't go like these are exceptional donuts.


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[Assistant] What's crazy to me is that people go out of their way to talk about how much they enjoy the coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, and it is, I mean this is straight piss and motor oil, like just, it is the worst stuff I've ever had, and I've had it multiple times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I just, I've, it's funny because people will be like, I'll be like, I really want a coffee. Really want a coffee. And I love coffee. I drink it every day. And someone's like, there's a dunk. And I go, we can keep looking. Like we'll, I'll skip. Even if that's, that means no coffee. I'd rather have none.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have their, their cold, cause I like their, their nitro cold brew. I'll take that. Their ice coffee kind of sucks. Not worse than Duncan. Right. And then their hot coffee. They definitely have a better product than Duncan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing about, you know, I mean, I haven't had it in a long time, but there was a thing of, you know, you'd be on a road trip, let's say 15 to 20 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want coffee, you'd pull over, you'd get it at a gas station, right? And, and like a lot of times it was like pretty shitty quality. That to me is exactly what Dunkin Donuts coffee tastes like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a Shell stations coffee. And people are like, I wake up every day and I'll, I'll drive my 23 miles to that. I'm like, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you, you find this with a lot of these takes about versus like stuff you're talking about. So North Easterners, in my experience, a lot of them will fight for Duncan. They're that region, right? It's probably where, I don't know, originated or something. The burger thing is very regional too. You start getting into burger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those always look better than they taste. Yea, they don't taste that good. Like, you know, you go like, that is a perfect sweet treat. The only time you like that that is killer is the bakery version of that. Oh yea. Like where somebody


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but like fresh bakery does like the pastries fresh, the eclairs and all that. And they made them fresh. It just knocks that so far out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time McDonald's comes up, I just keep thinking to what those hot fries are like. How they're like the greatest thing. They're fresh McDonald's french fries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I haven't had them and I can't, I don't remember the last time I, but I have so many memories of like, I've even, and McDonald's will do this too, if you get them and they're not piping hot and you want them, they'll make them for you, you know? Like, I like them piping hot. Fuck yeah, I love those fries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but, but I mean, Shake Shack makes a good smash.


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[Assistant] I mean listen, I've lived by one of those and it's a neighborhood like everybody lines up at that place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably not, no. Flying Dutchman, I learned that one, you know, so that's like, if you're kind of going like, uh, what's it called? Atkins style. Yeah. Oh, what is it? Just burgers and cheese? Yeah. So you're not, and you're holding


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scooby stack is a one step. A burger patty. You can read that. Hard to. The secret menu item, uh, hands down the most fun to announce. Oh, at the front of the internet. Literally just a burger patty. Okay. All right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With animal style. Something to get next time we spend our one time visiting Santino and get the road kill for us. The only, let's see what it says. Grilled cheese, that's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something prompted or you just were curious to do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean I've had, I've, like I've had Wendy's for sure a number of times, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let me ask you something. This isn't like a question about food, but more about service. And I want to know your opinion on this. This has happened to me. Oh yeah, Arby's, right. Same shit, different toilet, man. Um, is that a list there of like the, that corner, that one? Yeah, what's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Choose one mix. Oh, it's there. Oh, waffle fries too.


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[Assistant] That's what they have, right? That's what I get. I'm trying to remember. That's, that's, they have those. The Chick-fil-A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I do. I like this. Well this is, I've been saving this for you. I was, I brought this up on the way in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I haven't brought it up until you're here. Cause I want, I actually, I really want your take on this. Okay. So I've been on this crazy tour, right, that we talked about. Yeah. And it's, so a lot of, you know, if we have two shows in a night,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is a lot of times that we eat between the shows. Which means that a runner brings it in and whatever. On one show nights, almost every time we go out to eat. So we have a lot after the show. So we have a lot of meals out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of times, we might be sitting down for that meal, let's say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's like after 10 for sure. Uhm, and typically on a one show night, uhm, you know, maybe we got to that town, I work out usually a couple hours before the show, then I go do the show. So by the time we get to that restaurant,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably, I'm pretty hungry. Yeah, you know, like I performed, I worked out.