[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just, and I was just freaking out and screaming. Screaming my dog's name, for some reason. Just going, Rosie! Rosie! Rosie! And she's looking at me like, she didn't, no, and finally she just ran away from me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I just, whole hands trembling, I went into the shower and just, you know, with my clothes on. And I just had red welts all over me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He fucked up like the fucking center hallway. God. Cause I crushed their hive a little bit, but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, bees are awful. And I love them. I love honey and I love what bees do. And they're beautiful to look at and everything, but uh, Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be incredible. I had a confluence that ended of problems that ended with a B cause I had, um, poison ivy that got on my, I went through some bushes in camp when I was a kid and I got poison ivy on my nose and it got swollen and then it was like Karl Malden's nose, like I could see my nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then one day a bee landed on the tip of it and stung my nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and then it got sunburned. It was like a million things. And it was just scar. It was scar tissue for like three weeks and I was hard to go out. Like people thought I was a monster. I had a big just scar tissue nose. And then one day I just went like this and I just all came off and I had no new nose underneath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. How did he, how did he, well maybe he was scathed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of us skate ourselves with sex. You maybe do? Because that's what you're thinking about him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So everything, everything I, at least in my past, it was, sex was always something that left me feeling weird and upset and strange and guilty and stuff like that. Sure. Not anymore. Cause I don't have sex anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my dad, uh, uhm, was a real woman guy, and I would see him, my sister and I were walking, and Kate and Harvard Square went together, we were like going to a record store, we were both in high school, I think, and my dad, we saw my dad, and he had an arm around two women, two, like, gorgeous young,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like college girls. And he saw us, and he could have told any story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well fucked. Well fucked. No, here's a sadder story. Ain't nobody answering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucking the, no, you can't believe you're still in the same city. That's the fucking 1972 where he lives. That's bleak. Fucking 124th and 1st Avenue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, he's really fascinating because he's, this is what he wants. Yeaah. And he says it, and he says, he's just like, listen man, it's all these things. And it's anything you want. And just fuck me, I want it, I wanna be fucked by somebody who's hardcore homeless. Yeaah. Here's the thing is, he's reading, it feels like he's reading it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, that this guy gets no business for this. Right. It's the saddest thing about life is that for most, all he wants something, he doesn't really want those things. Right. He's just like, somebody, something, give me something. Yeah. I mean it's, I swear that wasn't his first ad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was like, I am adventurous sexually. The next one was like, I'm adventurous. I'm willing. I'm willing to try things. So if you're just looking for sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I fucking, I wanna cry now that I laughed. I know. Welcome to your mom's house. It's so horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He tried it. He tried it. The very first first ad was like, you know, maybe I'll like you. Yea, right. Nobody wanted to try. That's most people live like that, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something, please. In this world, how can I be so invisible?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I feel like some of it is a reaction to people falling into these fucking strange, these rectangles. Yeah. This, that the whole, I mean, if you walk down the street in the village, it's just a bunch of people going, going like this, and it's cliche to say it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's just this. And it's a very st- Did you ever watch Doctor Who? Like the new-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I think it makes people lonely that don't, that aren't living that way. I think these guys on the street, they're used to at least getting some, nobody's looking at them. Right. They're like, you know, there's no cash. I don't got cash, nobody has cash anymore. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everything is in this digital realm. So there's no, they're really, they're really like, they really are. We left them all alone. I feel lonely when I walk down the street. Like my feeling when I look at New Yorkers is like, I miss you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Fuck you. You know, I miss that. It's just this now. Even cops and like construction workers, like just there's no more cat calling. Cause they're looking at a better looking girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She might have a little, and by the way, you're not that good looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just that she's a woman. I, I might say something, she might turn her head. I might get a smile, I might get a fuck you, but hey, something happened. We're all, we're talking, we're in each other's lives. But that's how everybody's shut down. These are harder than two girls, one cup videos. These are harder than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It reminds me of, uh, what's her name, Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg. How they do stuff together. So I could see Martha Stewart with a guy like this, and then she's like, and here's another great tip from Henry on how to shoot some very thick cum. And then she's sort of like, kind of,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, and then he's gonna cook that mess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And obviously he has a hard time otherwise coming. This is important to him. Cause he usually takes some 7-8 strokes. Four strokes. Four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is in a very specific way. Yeah. I think that there's, you know, if you sold that like, uh, like a drug on the, you know, television. Yeah. Sold out. The, well, but the list of the shit that, you know, the bad stuff. Oh yeah, right. Yeah. For meth would be, that guy talks really fast. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, I, there is this, these guys on YouTube who talk soft, cause they're talking, there's nobody there with them. There's a certain...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard this voice one other time. The first time I heard a voice like this is from a very weird source. I went to the Richard Nixon library. I like presidential libraries. And uh, so his is in Yorba Linda, California. Well worth going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, he, they have, he dictated a lot. He used a dictating machine. So he would dictate letters and stuff that he wanted to write. And so they had, uh, you could listen to his dictaphone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you could hear him dictating, talking, and he's just talking like this, and he's, you know, period paragraph, and he's just, he's just saying to the secretary of the treasury, I have some concerns, and it has this weird quiet,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody else is in the room with me. Talking when no one's in the room. And that's with these YouTube. There's a bunch of lonely YouTube guys like this. They're talking to you and they're saying I want to share my feelings with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, one of the scenes that's on the, and you can only get it on the, if you buy it, that's on the deleted scenes is Louie Gomez. Do you know Louie Gomez? Yeah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yeah, yeah, Lesion's Ganks. So he, we did a scene that we didn't use where Joe, Jeff, the character, he's sitting in a car. He's a very nervous guy. It's about a guy who has tremendous anxiety. And, uh, so he's riddled with it. And that's part of the reason he goes to confront his parents in New England and it doesn't go well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uh, he's sitting in a car at one point and he sees these two guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, tough guys, black guys, it was, you know, supposed to be black guys. Yeah. Louis, Louis and I, but in the script it's like black guy number one and black guy number two. But anyway, so there's, on the corner and he's just, it's making him nervous looking at, just cause they're tough guys on a corner, and he goes into his mind, and then suddenly they're on, and it's a fantasy he's having, but they're on his car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Screaming at him trying to get in the car and Louie Gomez punched his way into the, he cracked the windshield and peeled it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when you have to cut, you can't think about like, that took a long time, or even how great you love the scene. The scene has nothing to do, you know, if it's not fitting, if it's not part of, you know, if it's hurting things that happen later, if it's not setting up what you want it to, and you don't know it until you see it. So you always shoot stuff you don't use.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, touring all over. And my two new specials, some of your people might not know that I have. That's true. Sincerely. Sincerely from 2020. Yep. And sorry from last year. Yeah. Fantastic specials. Thanks. You can get all my specials for 25 bucks. There's seven specials. You can get them all for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you wearing super tight jeans the way the Europeans do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, I too, there's a thing where uhm, if you collect shoes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a person, it's like you're always on the go. You're like, I gotta bounce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a jacket person, I think the obvious thing is like you want safety and security.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it broke, it made world news. I saw this post you made and the entire world was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Piece of American shit I am. I have no desire to see art anymore. Or churches or anything. We went to a lot of museums. Don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I am disappointed that you didn't go to the terror house in Budapest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that! Cause everybody's like, what's she hiding behind her smile? And now I know, it's like, her pussy's dried up, that's what she's hiding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's color corrected. I'm talking like Rolf. He's real bad. His face has gotten a lot better. Oh my god. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, guys, I think we need to reignite our Burt fat shaming campaign.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got the hard fat too, you were saying. It's hard to let go of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oof, look how ready is there laughing. Oh dear. That's tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause didn't our last shaming campaign work a little? Like it did prompt him to get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? That's the secret. You just want to keep getting back up. Right? You don't want to slack for too many, you know, weeks and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a great trip because I didn't gain a pound because the food was fucking inedible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so here's the deal, man. I even go, one day I was like, well let's go eat at a pub. Maybe just pub food. And we went into this traditional, lovely pub, and I pointed to the fattest guy in the room, and I was like, to the waiter, I go, bring me what the fattest guy in the room is eating. It was a steak and kidney pie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is fine, like I wanted to try it, it was so fucking inedible, the only thing that was good was the chips, were the chips. But the beer is great, and can I tell you something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I forgot my prop. Can you bring me my prop that I brought in from the coronation? It should be in there. I know you guys are all stoked that the king


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the time. And this is why I'm so happy we bought this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that, there he is, King Charles. You guys are so pumped, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, it was lovely. There was flowers everywhere, and I just loved the aesthetic, but the food was fucking shade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dragged you to Buckingham Palace and you were like, uuuh, stupid. It was fun. It was good. And we got to, it's dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we got to practice our English accents together. That was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We made a deal. We're walking in the park. Yes. And I said, you know, at some point that William and Kate are going to be fans of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they're not already, well you know that the king isn't, cause he's got probably a lame taste in comedy. He's not fun, he's very depressive from what I've heard, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I have a feeling that William and Kate probably are already huge fans, and if you're listening to this, William and Kate, Invite us to the palace. Invite us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you believe that Camilla Parker Bowles is queen, that fucking side piece whore? Do you know that she was?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit, I'm sorry. No, but it's his stepmom. No one likes their stepmom. This is for William and Kate. He knows I'm right. William doesn't like her either. Nobody does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Tom, I'm so proud of because you did the, the, oh, you did Wembley, Wimbledon arena. Wembley. Wembley. And.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I sneak out into the audience sometimes if I'm there to watch you, but I like to do it like you're already up on stage so people don't see me. So I snuck in the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just horrible sexual stuff that he and I do, and then I was like, I gotta go. I had to leave, cause everybody was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oi! Mike! Yeaah. But they were so fun. People were having such a blast, Tommy. They loved you so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, London for us had special meaning because back in 2000...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Russell Peters had you open for him and bamming him and bam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I sat the kids down and we watched the coronation top to bottom. It was that day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, which, wait hold on. Why would the Irish not be fond of the monarchy? Nadav.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What part of Ireland belongs to Great Britain?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love London. I finally got to perform there. I did one show one night in a theater there and I am going back every year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we look at his friend James? He's got so much beard flakes on his shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My birthday's coming up and I'd like to ignore it as much as possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And secondly, you realize he's making this video in front of an apartment complex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and that he can take sex to the astral plane. I didn't even know that was possible. And that people are building altars to this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does he put his peener inside of them and he doesn't come?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's right though, his hands are really handsome. And I'm trying to picture him with a full mane of red hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, whoa, or truth, Tom. Are you jealous? Very. Don't be jealous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe this is just like the stupid, the dumb bitch in me, the dumb broad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But maybe, is that what it is? Like does he just like put on the charm?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can't take that chance. Wait, what? Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's, cause isn't that what he's saying, that he can come without coming?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, doesn't hurt him. How can we humiliate Ryan is what you're saying. How do we get him where it hurts? Should we put money on the line for Ryan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that one's perfect. Well, hold on, that's the perfect one. That one's the best one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. Wow. Now that's a look. That looks great. That one's got a more natural flair to it. It falls naturally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, why does it make you look strong? So virile? Virile?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you do have to bring it into the business language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Russians think we're faggots in like corporate speak. But how would I w- wait, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's very, he was very supportive of me as well. I just have to say shout out to Bill Burr, like just being complimentary to a female comic when you're that status is so awesome. And Joe Rogan too, like really helpful dude. So helpful. So cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's sick. But why is that the badge of honor to not come?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I want, like a friend of a friend. Yeah. And I think you're special. I think you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I'm the opposite. I want to know what everyone's carrying, packing. What's it look like? What's it smell like? How big is it? How many? Are there five? I want to know everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, man. Who has five dicks? The first time, and whenever I see a trans person on social media, I'm always like, I wonder if it's a... Oh, you're saying with trans people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't like a man's peener, it's a deal breaker. That's how it starts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But haven't you been with guys where you're like, if you're- I just wish your penis were- Oh yeah, different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to shift it. You feel the need to shift it. So I actually don't like it when Tom watches me perform and I've had him leave the room for fucking a million years. And I actually didn't want you to watch me in London. I was like, can you not watch me? Because it is a different side to me. It's more aggressive. It's angrier. It's fuck you. Yeah. It's that like dude energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so yeaah, it's gonna take a specific guy who can handle that, that side, and then when you're just you, offstage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think too to be a female comic you have to be a little gross because we stay like the traveling and you stay in comedy con. You have to be okay with a man's world and that means forgoing a lot of what traditional feminine stuff is. You have to be down to like yeaah I just slept in a bed that a million dudes have probably jerked off in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't like, we don't like to know. People are like, do you guys watch each other all the time? I'm like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't wanna know. And it keeps you in a safety bubble of creativity, you know? Like, if I don't know what he's talking about, he doesn't know what I'm talking about, it frees both of us up, I think. That's healthy. That's nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did have a ho friend that was always like this though actually. But I wouldn't console her. I would just laugh. Was she like, was she crying cause she was a ho or just cause she was?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, like these are my friends from college, I'm saying. And then there was this time where after college they would all hang out on the Sunset Strip for a minute. You know, it was like those couple years when I was like, I think I'm being a stand-up comedian. This is a waste of fucking time to be out on the Strip all the time. And this is like the Sunset Strip drunk girl. You know, they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The body excretes what it doesn't need. It's called an excretion if it comes out of you. So clearly, like, you're okay without it. Why are you putting it back in? Like, pee-pee is like the toxins, right? It's the stuff your body doesn't need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you, have you drink, uh, have you ever done pee, pee stuff in sex?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's more fun. It's, but can I tell you, I think it's better to get it out like this and if someone still likes you and shows up, they're the one. If someone, you're like- By the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's actually fun. It's really good. That's kind of cool though. I didn't, I just put that together in my stupid brain. It's like, yeah, you can have like a dick in every city, bro. You can, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the good thing about dating a male comic is at least you know, you know what they're cra- like what the crazy is. Versus like people that aren't comedian, it could take years to figure it out. What the darkness is to like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my sad wheel. So I like to showcase the marginalized communities of TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. So whereas you might see people dancing and laughing and having fun, I like to present the other side of the talk force.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is uhm, white guys doing martial arts in their apartments?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look how fast he can kick. Oh! Ha bow! Whoop bow! Whoosh! Look at that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Once a week and how long is the demo? 10? 10 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to be interested. The rest of your life though, you marry that person, you're listening to their talk about martial arts and safety. Okay, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to understand, when you marry someone, you're marrying their hobbies and interests as well. Cause you're hearing about it. So poor Tom has to listen to me ramble about Bauhaus for the last 20 years and goth music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lead being able to pick up radio signals, so she would drive by the radio station and would pick up frequencies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoever speeds down my grandma's street by our house needs to stop it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to go to sleep. Please get these street racers off our-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's all modular, so you can take anything off you want. So sometimes I take off the doors, yea. You can take off the hood, you can take off the doors. Or not the hood, but the top, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet it sounds, the sun's super hot. Yeah. It's all flakey Jordan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your voice is so sexy, you sound like Alec Baldwin. Oh yeaah. You usually have a deep voice, but now you sound like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't even care. I'm so, I'm so used to your indifference of my emotion. I love you. Watch this. And this morning, this morning we're getting ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You totally ignore it. And I was like, I was like to our beautiful sons, I go, children, look how handsome your dad is. Look how great he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm on Sudafed and the good news is I'm down two LBs already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'll give you some license on that. It does dull your everything. It does. It totally dulls your reactions. Listen, the whole Cigarra household has been in a month of sickness turmoil. It's been ongoing. It's like waves and waves and waves. We'll get into it because it's actually resulting in a big YMH exclusive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nazav, tell me about your trip to Israel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gonna murder me. How much weight did you gain in Israel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh fuck. I'm so bummed that we didn't weigh him before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad would not do business with Arabs. If they called, my dad would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what he does is he answers the phone. He used to have a forklift business and he'd be like, oh shit, the minute I hear that fucking accent, I say, sorry, I have no forklift for you. Sorry. Sorry. And then I hang up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The meaning of this fucking accent. That's all Middle Eastern. Yeah. That's going to be problem. He's got this trouble. I don't want no fucking trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect, cause a, a nice Asian, I had an Asian girl roommate. Yeah. Uhm, in college, teeny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like stinky flavors. But, uh, my other gringo roommates didn't like her, they would taste the fish sauce and make fun of her. Like, oh, what is this weird Asian stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I like it. They're whities. They're honkies, yeah. But she was an ideal roommate. Now you know who was the worst roommate I ever had? Let me guess. I lived with four people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you, I'll tell you who are the worst roommates I've had. I've had a lot. Uh, white kids. White boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same thing, mold on the walls, didn't seem to care. Just filthy, stunk. I had a black roommate. Stunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But okay. Thank you. So my, my white guy roommate, we all went home for winter break and he stayed in the apartment. It was five of us living there. We came back and the phone bill was like $900. And I was like, what the fuck? Oh, sorry. Take his name. Oh no. He's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turns out, he had called 976 numbers. Remember those, those porno numbers? This is before the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, show me the tits. So what did you J or D to before the internet and pornography?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By Miss Piggy, you mean the Sports Illustrator? Yeah. Heavy set. Heavy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to do it, we get it. Uhm, let me tell you a little story. This is a little sidebar. Oh, may I have a snot rag too? Sidebar. So I was in the Aeropuerto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I see these two adorable lesbians looking at the Sports Illustrated covers. And there's the old lady, Elon Musk's mom, and then Miss Piggy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, where's Kim Kardashian's cover? Where's Kim? And they were looking and looking and I walked up to them and I go, well, I bet you she sold out the first. I bet you she's completely sold out. I go, look at all these of the old lady and the fatso. Nobody wants it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big tits and big ass. And small waist. That's what they want. Get the fuck outta here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Fuck you, your mother. Yeah. Stupid. No, no thanks. All sold out. Nothing for you. I sold the forklift.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't even come here. No thanks. Hang up the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The time for spring cleaning is upon us. Do more than just dust your cabinets and organize your closets. Spring clean your butthole with Hello Tushy bidets. After wiping with dry, scratchy toilet paper all winter long, our bums could use a serious refresh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put your cleanest booty forward and start washing with Hello Tushy. I mean, I can't even fathom not using a tushy. I use it every time I go brown and it cleans you thoroughly and it just changes your life bro. Try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Hello Toshiba Day attachment attaches to your existing toilet, installs in less than 8 minutes, and cuts down your toilet paper used by 80% saving money and paper waste.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello Tushy has cleaned over 1 million happy bums. Join them and take care of your business the cleaner way. We want all of our listeners to have clean bums. Visit hellotushy.com slash your mom to get 10% off plus free shipping right now. That's hellotushy.com slash your mom for 10% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're cute. Oh, I got it, yeah. So he's saying you should eat the same thing every day. That's how you lose weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you, I mean everybody feels that way, like the minute you eat a salad, you're like, I'm done, I lost five pounds, right? And it sucks because it takes like a week of doing that. I remember your sweet dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like he was a type 2 or he ate like one healthy meal and he's like, Wednesday, he'd be like Wednesday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what though, I am glad, and I have this memory of him in Mexico with us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When he ordered the big cheeseburger with the bacon and the fries and he ate it and I was like, well, that's good. He's happy. He's enjoying. He was so happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does have a point though, I mean, now that the artery's open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have to take cholesterol meds to lower it. No matter what, no matter what I eat, I will have high cholesterol. But then in my dumb brain, I go, yeah, but I'm taking the pill so I can like go to In-N-Out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yea. Yea, cause I'm lowering it with that pill so like I can have In-N-Out for lunch today and I'll be fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something Sigoura? Yea. I know you're the husband, my husband, the father of my children, the light of my life, the fire of my loins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been reading your book while our children bathe. It is so good. I had no idea what a fantastic writer you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it brought me to tears, the, the chapter on your father, I, I absolutely cried, uh, for joy and then sadness and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so that video of this guy, it's so funny, we were discussing this in the car last week, and it just reminded me how the difference between motivational speakers for men and women are. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it's funny because you pointed this out to me and I hadn't noticed it because I always traditionally


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to Tony Robbins, like I, I've actually spent the last decade correcting my loser thinking. I felt like a loser in my early twenties. And I read everybody. I read Napoleon Hill, Tony Robbins thinking grow rich. Oh, that's Napoleon Hill. Uh, the Asian guy who went broke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The rich dad, poor dad, I've read them all. And I always meant masculine. And the masculine message is shut the fuck up, pull up your bootstraps and go to work bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, you build buildings and bridges and create a penicillin. I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, right, but broads, the feeling part is what raises children and creates men that are winners and women that are winners. And without a good mommy, you get John Wayne Gacy. You get, um, Putin. So mommies are very important. The feminine is very important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I think too, what we're saying is like the, um, the influencers and the, the, the women who are coaching other women to, to motivate them. The message is like, you're a goddess, you're a princess, you're good as you are. And it's like, no, you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because obviously you don't feel good about yourself, so you need to do something to change the thing that's not making you feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like primal, it's like reptilian brain. So you can't be like, all of them are beaut- like, yeah, they are in a way, like yes, everyone is beautiful because they're God's children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was watching the greatest movie ever made, Top Gun, which by the way, you've ruined for me because of the gay narrative that Tarantino put into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what I loved about, I love about Top Gun is it's all about that resilience and fuck the Russians, we're gonna do this and shut up you pussy, I know you killed your best friend Goose, but you get back up in that plane and you kill some Russians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but that's, but both roles are equal. So he does need to have this feeling. So mother would say, I'm so sorry, let me sit with you and cry with you. And then dad goes, you get the fuck up, back up there and you kill, kill, kill, kill the enemy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially the fucking Russians. I miss having a common enemy. I really do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's terrible. Well yeaah, uh, uh, uh, you know Rebel Wilson? Oh, she's my new celebrity friend by the way. I want to be friends with Rebel Wilson, I like to put that out. You know who she is? That comedic actress? Oh my gosh, the funniest movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She looks fantastic. She looks fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same check. I let- I hate when the British call it 5.5 stones. Now I don't know what that means. A stone. That sounds less, which all five is nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, she's got this great movie on Netflix right now. I think it's, what is it, Senior Year? I absolutely loved it. So silly and so fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I'd like to be friends with Rebel Wilson and she looks way better now that she lost all that weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now if she were the swimsuit model, I would buy her. She's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'll put it this way, she goes into a coma as a 17 year old and wakes up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all, that's in the trailer. And it's a great premise cause she wakes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Up in this era. And it's basically like you and me being like, you know, it's, it's funny. And she looks amazing and she's funny as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Top Gun. I'm so stoked. Can we go see Maverick together in the theater? Yeah, sure. And wear red, white and blue and salute the fucking flag. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we associate burnout with work, but that's not the only cause. Any of our roles in life can lead us to feeling burned out. And BetterHelp Online Therapy wants to remind you to prioritize yourself. Talking with someone can help you figure out what's causing you stress in your life. I've been in therapy for over a decade. It is THE


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, most beneficial thing I've ever done. I can't imagine not going to therapy. I mean, you don't have to be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's much more affordable than in-person therapy, and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Your Mom's House listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Mom's House. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash Mom's House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is just less calories. Like don't eat a lot. Stop eating. That's why my Sudafed died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aww yeah! Hell yeah, Cole Robinson, you're my hero!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's funny, uhm, I was talking to somebody yesterday and they were like, you know, it took 50 years for us to accept gay people, truly. 50 years is what it takes to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To really make progress. And, and that's amazing, and that's great. But like, and okay, so we just got done with gay. Now you're gonna be like, there's 5,000 genders, and we're all trans, and there's no such thing as women. Women are people with vaginas, and men have periods too. It's like, okay, slow your roll, homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing at a time, because you can't do this to society. It's too crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men don't have periods, sweetie. I'm not ready for that yet. I'm not ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, no, you just can't think of a man as a man. It's a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so, apropos, this discussion, go ahead and Google, uh, Mattel has just put out a wonderful new, uh, Barbie. I've already bought the studio one and the new one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, I already have five in my stable. They've limited it to two per person, so I'm very upset. Uh, the new...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's based on Laverne Cox, who was trans before it was cool to be trans, so I give her mad props, and I really like Laverne Cox, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they know that assholes like me will buy like 20 and I don't know. Give them out? Give them out as a joke, but uhm, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's the most important part. And that's what I can't wait to get the doll for. I can't wait to rip off her clothes and see what's between those legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a tuck. Yeah, cause I don't know if Laverne is full. I don't know. I don't know what, what she said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, do you guys wanna trip out? What? Dude, look at the Ken doll of today. Like, you remember Ken? Of course. Dude, look at Ken now, you're gonna fucking lose your mind. It's so wild. No bro, on the Mattel site, on the Mattel site.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No bro, go to Mattel.com where we just worked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so then I was looking into this because I bought two of these as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a special edition Retro Ken, that's the Ken we know as a heterosexual Ken. So go back to the homepage, and you'll see Retro Ken, he's a throwback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a masculine looking Ken doll is considered a throwback. It's like 50th edition. Mmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mattel Korea, I dunno. It's wild, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause it's such an interesting thing and I researched this and okay, there he is, there he is. Barbie Ken's 60th anniversary. Far left, far left. So this is what Ken looked like when he started off as a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the Ken I grew up with was not this gay. What the fuck? Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember when he can't close his eyes at night when he sleeps? He's like, because he had too much plastic surgery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's very interesting why they feminize the dolls for little girls. It's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So where will you, will you practice on the toilet since you've been learning on the toilet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gonna, are you gonna tour with him so that you can practice? That's not a bad idea. Maybe. It's a good distraction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know. He sounds young. He hangs out with friends and stuff. When you have kids, you don't do that. When you're an adult, with a family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, would you like to hear this elevator mechanic has written in? Yeah. Remember I got stuck in an elevator? I remember. We have so much more to get into, but I found this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About getting stuck. The lady on the phone asked her to push all the buttons because you wouldn't believe the amount of Victoria's Secret models that get stuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In elevators because they are looking at their phones and don't push a button.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They come to a stop as soon as there is even the slightest problem and in the USA the chance of an elevator free falling is practically zero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tim referenced if you have a brown brewing when you get stuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While I haven't found anyone that has shit their pants, I have many times recovered a trapped passenger that has peed in the corner, of course, in a cup, or just pissed their pants. No judgment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please do not use gender note. Please don't try to open the door if you are stuck between the floors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We installed devices that actually prevent people from prying the doors open, attempting to crawl out of an elevator and then sudden unexpected movement equals human degloving. Yikes. Hope this email finds you well and helps educate regarding some of the concerns you expressed on the podcast. I'll be coming up in May. Well, thank you. Well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's another one there too. Did you want to read the second theory? Yeah, good. Yeah, so interesting stuff. Very fucking weird. Very fucking weird. Uhm, I have a dental update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My tooth was in fact cracked. She wasn't just trying to scam me, this new dentist in Austin, because I was like, what are you talking about? I went in, two hour appointment. It was very painful. The most painful part was the Novocaine. She gave me one shot and then halfway through it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt it. I started to feel the nerve and I was like, ehh, can I have another shot?


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[Assistant] And then uhm, two hours of drilling and tamping and blah blah blah and now I have a temp. And she's like it could pop off at any time so I have glue. So I've been eating lots of soft foods and chewing on the other side of my mouth. Uhm, until I get that crown next week. It takes two fucking weeks for them to make a crown. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So stupid, right? Yeaah. Then again, it is a toot they're making. I guess that it does take time.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they're very good. She's sweet. And you know what? I think you're gonna like her. She's a sweet blonde lady.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm like, my husband's gonna love you. Yeah, that's a weird thing to tell her. He's gonna be so hard when he comes to see you. Yeah, yeah. I'm just kidding. I was like, he's not a creeper, but he just like, sweeps along like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because every dentist I've had has been like a smelly old white guy and they, they breathe their dad breath on you and you're like, ugh, you're so smelly. I did have a nice Asian man in LA that was really enjoyable, but it's nice to have a lady. They're just more sensitive and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're in control here. And I go, pfft, no I'm not, but thanks for saying that. I'm like, you're in control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want your breast massage? Knock me out and reach into my pants. Tell me how it goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is wild. So the last month in our home, I've mentioned we've been going through illness after illness and our youngest son Julian is just keeps rolling into this, these bouts of croup and he can't breathe. It's terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's been a nightmare. So I was at the doctor with him. We did blood work. We've done lung x-rays. It's just like, what is wrong with this kid? What is happening? So they finally get back his blood work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we figured, oh, it's Austin. Everyone's got allergies in Austin. Environmental allergies. That's like the biggest thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turns out, our younger boy is not just allergic, but severely allergic, like the highest you can be to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the bummer of it is, and here's why this makes perfect sense, he's been sleeping in our bed, he'll sneak in like in the early morning, and that's where Bitsy sleeps. And so he's been like reacting, I think, to Bitsy's whatever, fur, whatever. So we have to give, we have to, well we have to throw Bitsy in the lake is what we have to do. Because my kid comes first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was like hitting her with the grabber. They kick her. I'm like, you guys cannot hurt this dog, but now I see there's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm such a Brussels, uh, fanatic. You are? This is my identity. I'm a Brussels lady. But my kid comes first. So I don't know. We gotta get, we gotta kill her. We gotta put her down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, and cats too. Look at cousin Brian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you? First of all, I'm so thankful she's taking our dog. Cause now we can, at least she's with a family member, I would be crushed if we had to actually give her the leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone else, but that's the first time I've ever heard Charo talk about another man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One cool thing that I've discovered and that I've been very reluctant to try for 45 years, doctors have told me to do it, I won't do it, is the neti pod.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And once I got over the initial phobia and the fear of squirting water up my nose and out the other side, I really am into it and I do it every morning now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it clears out all that green gunk in there. Have you done it yet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to douche, I douche with mine. It's like a squirt bottle, it's like a douche. You squirt it up and then it douches. Yeah. Sometimes you're so clogged that it's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wild. Yeah. But now I want to do the neti pot when I'm not sick, cause I'm so into it. Like can you do it when you're- Yeah, so you just lean. You just, oh you lean, yeah. To me that would get water all over my face and shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So good. I feel so clean, and like disinfected and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a sinus douche. I really like it. Pretty nice. Yeah. Uhm, and then I also had a couple of Pajitski effects if you want to hear. Sure, tell me. I'm so dumb. So, do you ever watch


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, your children's programming with them and you realize like that there's stuff you should already know that you don't know and you're learning. Yeah. So I was watching a cartoon with them and they go, let's go do donuts in the parking lot. Right. And they drive their car and they do a donut and then it leaves the shape of the donut, a circle. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. That's what a donut, that's what it means to do a donut. You do circles and it leaves the shape of a donut. Bro, I had no fucking idea. Did you guys know that? Annie, are you usually with me on that? Fuck, am I officially the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blue, red, and yellow. And all those mixtures of those colors make all the colors. Like red and blue make purple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I didn't know that they made all the colors. Like it's, it kinda, I was like. Well, they don't make all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why does the absence of color? What is black? Black is... What is black? All the colors together?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Red, green, and blue. Red. Yeah, see that's what I'm saying. Like you think you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So red, yellow and blue are the primary colors and then you mix red and yellow and blue and that's how you get the other colors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or even like the planets? Dude, Pluto's not a planet anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I grew up learning that it was, and I grew up learning that men were men and women were women, but you never know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does gravity exist on Earth? How does gravity exist? Do you know how gravity exists? I don't fucking know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I've learned these things in elementary school as Josh Potter would say. But anyway, do you want, so do you want to hear my second Pajitski effect? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, this is just because I'm in the haze of like child sicknesses too in the last month. It's been horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the midst of getting Julie and all these prescriptions, uhm, it was like Sunday, the doctor comes, this whole fucking thing, I gotta go back to the pharmacy three times. So I'm texting my friend Jenny Pentland, who's been on the show, she has five kids, right? And she was supposed to come over that day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I go, I gotta go to the pharmacy again to get meds for the kids. And she goes, oh, chasing down meds. She's texting me, chasing down meds in this heat's gotta be terrible. Hopefully there's a drive through. And my face dropped and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You fucking dumb bitch, like yeaah. Cause here's what I've been doing, is alright kids, we're going to Randalls, and I fucking put two sick boys in the car, drive down to the pharmacy, park, park, and you know how hard it is to get a three year old in and out of the fucking- I wanna do it! That's twenty minutes of him buckling his own thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the, I want a lollipop. I want this. It's like, Oh my God, dude. So like every trip has been a nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After I'd already done the three trips to the pharmacy that day with two sick kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alone. I wanted to fucking blow my brains out. So now I'm like, oh yea, drive thru pharmacy, idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me that guy, Cooper, tell me how stupid I am. I'm so mad at myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm such a fucking moron. And then I eventually had to break down and I took the kids to In-N-Out, cause I was like, oh yea, drive through. Let's go drive through In-N-Out. I was like stress eating. Yea. And it was like right before Memorial Day and shit. Everything's fucking closed. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're not thinking, you're just like almost panicked because the kids, you know, going through stuff, can't breathe. I'm like, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's really cool for those just listening. It's a lady laying down in a light pink outfit and short shorts. And the camera is such that you only see like her crotch and then it angles up to her face. It's horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's pretty bad. Uhm, but what's unique about this is that you really don't see women doing, uh, the cool guy thing a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you love his movements? I've never seen a male belly dancer, have you? No. It's so awful. Thank you. It's so awful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, I hate everything about it. I hate his stupid ponytail. I hate the tight pants. I hate his, his movements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wasn't having it that day. Uhm, what obsessed me about drag syndrome is that they don't do a good job with their makeup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you're gonna dress them in drag, like, why does it have to be all sloppy? Like if you're gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do this, like, didn't make them look nice. Like the middle one, what was her name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like that her makeup, like her lipstick looks all crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've done that. I can see myself doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, that's how I was with my dentist, when she's like, you're, you have a cracked tooth. And I was like, shut the fuck up, you liar. And then she's like, here's your x-ray, here's the picture. And I was like, oh yeah, I'm fucking stupid. You're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would the doctor want you to rehome your family dog? It's devastating. I don't want, you know what I mean? Like he wants to just hurt our feelings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this. This to me is like home. This is LA. Like all these girls I grew up with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't pack his lunche one time. One time I didn't pack his lunche.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they fought. But you know what I'm saying that it's not about launching, cause here's the deal man, it's never about the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's like, you don't fucking pack my lunch bitch. And then it is, but the fight is about other stuff. It's not about lunching. It's not about lunching. Agreed. That's why she's out partying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? You don't like capitalism? Well, how did you record this TikTok on your fucking iPhone that was invented because of capitalism, you dumb cunt? Even you get to voluntarily be poor. She wants to voluntarily-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go, go live any of these other countries that don't participate in capitalism. Go see how you like it there. Yeah. Go for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How angry, what makes you angrier though? Tiny houses? Or this kind of thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can feel decadent sitting in a dirt pile, just ears with her, ugh, so sad. Like, don't do that. I think her standards are too low. She needs to just raise her standards. You deserve it. You deserve a nice thing, lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a wild one, right? That was a wild one. Wild ride. Asian jeans sent me this one. Now guess who that is? You know who this person is. You know who this person is. Remember Dirty John?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your voice is so sexy, you sound like Alec Baldwin. Oh yeaah. You usually have a deep voice, but now you sound like-


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, so this is a chick that killed her stepfather in self defense.


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[Assistant] She was into that zombie apocalypse TV show, what's that one called? Walking Dead? Walking Dead. She was really into it.


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[Assistant] And so uhm, that's a theme in the story. And her, she and her friends would talk about how to kill people constantly from that. And so she had that kind of in the back of her head when she was being attacked. And that's what-


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[Assistant] I didn't get to promote my dates. I'm going to be in Washington, DC, in July.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and then also, guys, come see me in Manfriend Disco.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Washington, sorry, July 15th, Washington DC. Uhm, and then I do San Francisco, July 29th and 30th, uh, San Francisco at Cobbs, one night only in Seattle, July 31st, and then Cleveland, Minneapolis, Tits.


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[Assistant] Brooklyn, I just added Brooklyn at the bell house, September 7th. Nice. Gashville, Tennessee, October 6th and 7th and 8th. And then Jew Dork Titties at Caroline's November 4th and 5th. Tickets at ChristinaPOnline.com. Try it out.


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[Assistant] Well, the one, the one thing, the one thing that I'm going to tell you is that the first time it's going to be quick with me because it's been a long time.


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[Assistant] It's like Bitsy. Yeah. When we, when she has a lot of fur and people are like your dog's super fat and then you trim the dog and like, she's not fat.


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[Assistant] You know, what's interesting is that when you and I first dating, when you were just a little young and puppy.


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[Assistant] Older women really loved you. I had a landlady who one time walked in on you sleeping in the nude.


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[Assistant] And later she goes, Oh, I walked in and I saw Tom.


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[Assistant] And I loved his shoulders and she loved your manly shoulders.


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[Assistant] Was it good? Food, I mean. Both. Yeah. Fantastic. But that must be the nice part about an older broad is like she'll cook for you and.


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[Assistant] So I had this professor one time and I was like 20 years old and I just saw him and I was like, Hey, I'll give you a ride. Cause I knew where he was going. Okay. He gets into my car and I was like, Hey, you know, how you doing dude? And he goes, you know, Christina, I really love my wife. And I was like, okay. And now in hindsight.


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[Assistant] I'm like, I didn't even put that vibe out there. It's not like I showed up in short shorts in my tits hanging out. I was like, hey, professor, you want to ride? Like I was so innocuous, but he wanted to F me.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'll be over on Thursday, but can I bring my friends?


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[Assistant] You fucking dummy. Well, I should have known. I just, I was so oblivious. I actually thought that men wanted to be friends with women when I was younger. Fucking stupid dummy.


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[Assistant] Decent, there are some decent lads. Yeah. Not a lot.


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[Assistant] She's, I love that she's like, yeah, I sold yogurt that makes you shit, and now I'm at the Oscars.


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[Assistant] I know, but I also feel that by complaining about and accepting death as an eventuality, it'll delay it.


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[Assistant] Like I think if I, like her doing that, I think is her way of actually delaying it in her mind. She calls it out.


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[Assistant] So if you, if you address death and you're like, hey fucker, I see you, I know you, I'm not afraid.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the irony of that. Cause you're getting a little too. I just cheated. Bold about it. Yeah, I got arrogant. Yeah. Fuck.


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[Assistant] Me too. It's unfortunate. But I'm glad that we could address it and help him and he'll be back hopefully soon.


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[Assistant] It looks nothing, it looks like a half a, kind of a horseshoe.


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[Assistant] Oh, this is his front. Don't forget. This is his front. This isn't even his back. This is over his dick.


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[Assistant] That's so gross. If I saw a dude with these two tattoos, I would have to not.


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[Assistant] How do you fuck that up as a tattoo artist? That's fairly easy.


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[Assistant] Oh, it's uh, Spongebob's star, David Starr.


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[Assistant] David Star. Patrick. Patrick Star. That David Star. Star of David.


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[Assistant] So that one, number one, that's one strike against you. It's just grody to have a dick joke on your dick.


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[Assistant] But this one, it actually looks like Patrick Star. It's a good tattoo. It's just stupid to have this.


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[Assistant] But the leg, so the way that it's drawn, it's like those first medieval paintings where they hadn't figured out perspective. You know what I mean? And everything looks flat. Like that's what that looks like.


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[Assistant] He's been with a lot of chicks and, and he has, he's cultivated his dick humor so much that he has to get the tattoo. So I'd go past cause he's probably got an STD or something.


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[Assistant] It's just like a, a sincere dipshit. Like he's sincere and earnest and he probably thought that was like a dope ass meaningful thing.


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[Assistant] That's true. Did the serial killers get a lot of tattoos?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Well, I guess it's a UK show.


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[Assistant] And I think it does soften the blow. Cause I think that, oh, it doesn't happen in America. Women don't get brutally murdered by dudes in America. It only happens over there.


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[Assistant] My lover, my killer. First of all, corny title. I like that it had a little corny cheesiness to it. Not just like the shows you like, which is like the Ripper Zipper Killer or like Kill Your Mom or whatever fucking shows you like. Uhm, and then I was like, oh that's interesting.


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[Assistant] Tell me more about this, why would someone kill you if they loved you? And then it's just really about like abusive...


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[Assistant] Partners, which is really cool. So the first one is like the guy that kills the girl and the second is the girl that kills the guy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't like it so much, cause then I start thinking like, I don't like it, cause then I'm like, what if Tom's gonna start doing that stuff.


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[Assistant] I don't, I just don't, you know, like I said, women are the ones that usually...


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[Assistant] Are the ones that are victims of these kind of things. I feel like I court it. I'll bring it into the world. If I watch stuff like that. So I had nightmares all night, and I didn't like it, but then when you came in, I was like,


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[Assistant] I'll watch the show with you, maybe I can get into it again. And then the second episode was even more upsetting to me because it was the girl that hurts the guy.


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[Assistant] What do you enjoy about it? Because to me, it just makes me sad and scared of the world, you know?


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[Assistant] And also too, like, fucking, like, there is this part where the, uhm,


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[Assistant] Like when you see people being interviewed in hindsight and the father is like, you know, she called the police and she was really, she was really polite about everything. And I was like, that's a fucking problem. She was polite. Like, don't say that. Like that's a virtue, you know, like.


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[Assistant] I just get so mad at people who see things unfolding and then they don't fucking do anything about it. I'm a quick actor. I see some shit going down.


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[Assistant] I run, I'm like FIFO, our first dog, right? You go. I fuck, I'm out of there, brood. I see some shit falling, I'm gone.


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[Assistant] And for all the poor losers that are still using washcloths,


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[Assistant] Uhm, we have a tip for you, okay? Manscaped has created the body buffer. This is an antibacterial silicone scrubber for nourishing, cleaning, and exfoliating your skin in the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The anti-bacterial feature makes scrubbing your scrum easy. The body buffer will instantly upgrade your shower routine and you can pair it with their body wash when you check out the buff bundle. Get rid of your poor person's stink and ditch your washcloth or loofah


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[Assistant] By going to Manscaped.com and using our code MOM.


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[Assistant] For 20% off plus free shipping. And let's not forget about the Beard Hedger Pro Kit.


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[Assistant] The kit includes the beard hedger with 20 hair cutting lengths, and one guard, a titanium coated tea blade, beard shampoo and conditioner, and so much more.


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[Assistant] Life is too short to be poor, as Tom would say. Save 20% off and free shipping with our code MOM at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use our code MOM. Always use the right tools for the job.


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[Assistant] To be 80 and then at 80 start doing heroin and all and start smoking cigarettes again. Cause like that decade of your life is not going to be good anyway.


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[Assistant] That's the fun part. Women are more psychological thrillers, you know, we torture people psychologically. I think that would be fun.


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[Assistant] Hey, random question. You mentioned Hubble earlier. Did you know?


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[Assistant] That when you burp in space, you just vomit. What? Mhm. Had no idea. Found that on Jeopardy.


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[Assistant] I'm six episodes in and nobody's addressed burping and barfing. How do you take a shit in space? And most importantly, how does one masturbate in space? Because you know those particles the ejaculate turns into those balls of hardened liquid, right?


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[Assistant] Well, cause this, after watching this documentary, that life is so inhospitable to humans in space. Like, do you know what a pain in the ass it is for a human to stay alive in space for one year? You just atrophy, like your bones immediately start to degenerate.


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[Assistant] Wait, does it even decompose? Cause there's no oxygen. Like what happens to your body if it just gets let out? It just looks good. It just floats around.


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[Assistant] But, but the bones, here's the deal man, cause I've been watching TikToks on how they, uh, burn the bodies, you know, it's a word, cremation.


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[Assistant] You know they have to double cremate you. So first there's the initial cremation and then the bones have to be cremated.


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[Assistant] Tommy, do this for me, okay? We can do this in Texas, we have a lot of vultures here.


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[Assistant] So I remember they told me what you were saying about for my mother, they were like, and this one's sealed so that she won't decompose longer. She'll stay fresh. And I'm like, I would never want that for anybody. And oh my God, but I totally got suckered in because I was pregnant when my mom died and they're, they're like,


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[Assistant] Guys, but you're not even considering how nice it is there.


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[Assistant] Oh funny, you should mention that because there's a whole TikTok lane I stumbled upon advocating for North Korean tourism.


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[Assistant] What do you think Duncan? Are you willing? Okay, how horny do you have to be to take this on?


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[Assistant] Are there any, are there any videos of her, her beautiful Korean experience? This is undoing the haircut propaganda.


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[Assistant] Park dancing. So the holiday that she is not telling you about is a national government holiday where they make you dance. Really? In public. So they'll have like, dancing ceremonies or whatever that the government orchestrates. I don't know if this is one of those, but this is another.


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[Assistant] It's like even when you like rent a house or buy a house or an apartment or whatever, and your neighbor is a piece of shit, and your whole life is ruined.


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[Assistant] They're playing music at four in the morning, like a bad neighbor is just, oh god, it can just ruin your whole world. Can't sleep.


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[Assistant] Well, if you look at this non-propaganda TikTok account that this girl has, she lets you see the inside of these gorgeous North Korean hotel rooms. Uh, that they might look sparse.


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[Assistant] To some Westerners, but really nice and great views of mountains and railroad tracks and stuff, you know.


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[Assistant] Right, and it is time to promote ethical tourism in North Korea. It's long overdue.


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[Assistant] But what if he- So he's doing this in his hometown, presumably. But what if he runs into those chicks again?


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[Assistant] Oh my god. Oh, I have to tell you, sorry, this other North Korean propaganda video, she takes you inside of a restaurant and shows you how good the food looks. It's terrible. It's everything's like brown stew, brown slop. Oh, fuck.


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[Assistant] Like I would never want. She's like, would you try it? Oh, and then she's like, let's go to a bar in North Korea. This one's called beer number one. This one's called beer number two. Beer number three, beer number four. There's eight different beers.


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[Assistant] Thanks for having me. Thank you and let's all take a family vacation soon too.


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[Assistant] It's been sitting in my mind when you said to me you want to go back with your ex boyfriend.


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[Assistant] Who the fuck wants to see themselves on the screen? That's bullshit. So suspicious.


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[Assistant] Now that's what's known as a rhetorical question.


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[Assistant] Wait, these girls? These aren't porno girls? Are you sure? They're porn? No, they're not porn.


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[Assistant] I haven't worked with him before. I suck, yeaah. Isn't it funny they call it work on the scene?


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[Assistant] What do you think about Ripple? Well, I mean, I think it's too centralized, but I definitely want to meet Chris Larson.


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[Assistant] Interested in you? Tired of feeling like you don't add up to their ridiculously unattainable standards? Then stop trying.


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[Assistant] Because I guess the acidity level wasn't changing. I wasn't aware of this. I went to my doctor, she figured this out, prescribed me some really strong antacids, and for the last 24 hours, I've been hiccup-


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[Assistant] Oh my god. So, hey, that's good. Uhm, I had them for two and a half days or a little more, and now they're gone. So, thanks to everyone, uh, who was concerned, but I'm better now, and thanks to my doctor.


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[Assistant] Do you need a new mattress? Go to sotva.com slash the shit now for two hundred dollars off the next purchase of your sotva mattress. It's the shit.


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[Assistant] This is a sacred space for us. We went through a lot. First McDonald's sponsored us.


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[Assistant] And then we lost that sponsorship, you had to give back 2.3 million dollars, which was a real bummer.


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[Assistant] Anyway, it's such like a typical showbiz behavior to not be upfront with what you want, right? It's like, sign the paperwork. Oh, but we didn't mention that it's going to be blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you're like, dude, just.


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[Assistant] Okay, so, so far no repentance. Go ahead.


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[Assistant] He doesn't, he doesn't sound very repentant, especially if it starts off with, you know, I've got a lot to offer.


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[Assistant] What is this? Why do I need this? People are so fucking crazy out here.


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[Assistant] Hey, remember I fucked you over? Would you like more of that? It's always like that. It's so funny how you just deal with people for years and you're just like, wow, that's the nature of this business. They just fuck you and your asshole.


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[Assistant] It's wild that it's wor- it's- okay. I have to tell you though too, like, living in Austin, we're really out of the show business wheel. And then coming back into it for just the summer, I'm like, oh, I remember this.


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[Assistant] Like my life is so small in Austin. Yeah. It's just like kids, school. I'll make the kindergarten moms every now and then for some queso and some tequila shots. Do a gig here and there. Yeah, that's not this complicated.


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[Assistant] Well, what a positive way to respond to that because somebody telling you I never had no pussy at a gas station, it might be alarming, but that guy rolled with it and encouraged him. That was nice.


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[Assistant] I want to try it again cause I, you know, I don't, I still don't have my taste buds. I think I taste like 60%. Man, please taste it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this just tastes like chemical. It's pretty gnarly. Love it. No calories.


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[Assistant] It's like she's totally, it's just pointing out that he's a bad guy.


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[Assistant] The whole thing gets convoluted. To me, there should be two things. Maybe this makes sense in my mind. Are there two biological genders? There's male reproductive organs, female reproductive, male, female. Sure. That's biological fucking facts. It's called science. Now within that, you can express that gender


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[Assistant] Yes, absolutely. But to say that there's more than two genders is scientifically fucking inaccurate. So the man that's pregnant, guess what he has?


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[Assistant] Thank you, your honor. I just fucking explained everything. God damn it. I get so fucking annoyed at these people.


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[Assistant] Every, I don't, and I don't know what's, there's nothing illogical about or nothing harmful being like, yeah, there's, there's two biological genres, but people represent that within a spectrum. People express that within a spectrum. They express it.


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[Assistant] Well, and to be clear, like Tom and I are not. Every time I feel like I talk about this, people are like, oh, Christina's right wing conservative. I'm not fucking, I'm not, dude. I know. I'm just, I used to be liberal and then these nutbags took over. Yeah. So I don't know what the fuck I am anymore, but I know I'm not, I'm not on this team of nonsense. Because here's the truth, the truth.


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[Assistant] But I also think, I feel in my heart that life is shades of grey. It's never black and white. It's not like being on one team or the other. I know. It's always somewhere, center. It is.


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[Assistant] Exactly. It's just, it's so illogical. It's like that analogy you've seen on like the memes where somebody's like, I like apples. And then they go, yeah, but you don't, you don't mention oranges. How do you feel about oranges? And you're like, God, guys.


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[Assistant] Yes, and also too, I would like to say is that I can listen to what she's saying and go.


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[Assistant] Yeah, okay, I'm going to consider that. Like it's not completely untrue. She's saying blah, blah, blah. Yes. And then somebody on the far right can say something every now and then you're like, okay, okay, I guess. Like you can consider different fucking opinions. Sure. Just consider it. But in this context, bitch, this is not the time to correct him on his transphobia.


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[Assistant] But he's making me cry cause like, I feel some similar way, you know, and it's great being an artist. It's special.


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[Assistant] Whitney will not mind me talking about this cause we did on her podcast. Okay.


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[Assistant] When Winnie was in Austin, we were in the green room and she was like, I was diagnosed as autistic. I'm technically on the spectrum. And I guess in the moment I had a little something to drink and I was like, Oh, that makes so much sense. Like I said it out loud to her and I didn't mean to.


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[Assistant] So anyway, we've, we've talked about it since and da da da da da. And now that I know somebody with it.


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[Assistant] I'm thinking our friend Garth is on the spectrum.


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[Assistant] Hold on, you honor. Hold on. Remember that time with Trish? And he went...


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[Assistant] In interviews, I've seen Elon cry and he's asperge as well.


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[Assistant] And, and sometimes you listen to him and you're like, is he fucking right?


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[Assistant] One like, but here's the interesting thing, now I feel, and my sense is that because the clubs aren't fostering feature acts as much anymore, that standup is becoming like this dying,


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[Assistant] Cubs don't have Feature Act anymore where they'll put them up for the weekend and pay you peanuts. They're not doing it.


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[Assistant] Help out the feature act or whatever in the headliner and give the feature act the Sunday night when they can just book a TikTok star who sells out.


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[Assistant] But what is, quote, but let's think about this. What is the great backlash? Real, truly? Yea, it's not. Is it this narrow community of fucking crybaby pussies?


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[Assistant] And cancel culture is that it seems like, cause I've been doing a little experiment on Twitter.


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[Assistant] And, and I also think, yes and, I agree, and I think that some comedians when they get really, really, really popular, stop making jokes and they become the Messiah. And now everything they say is just fucking brilliant. Nadav loves when I incorporate Hebrew into my language.


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[Assistant] Uhm, a great, a great example of this who I absolutely adore was Bill Hicks.


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[Assistant] You gotta apply to be press for whatever junket he's doing next. And you are technically media. You're press, you guys are journalists. Yeah. I think we should, babe.


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[Assistant] I think we should do a country song. Maybe we can have Wheeler help us. Old Wheeler.


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[Assistant] It's like that time where he decided to come on Facebook and let the conversation begin.


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[Assistant] Cause he's mimicking human emotion. At times he has emotions that are like inappropriate. Like I've seen Elon Musk who came out having as- asbeige as we say in Australia. Asbeige.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I don't think it's drugs or mental illness. I think he's autistic. And I think he's mimicking what he thinks a great country singer.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he just doesn't know what's happening there. He's disconnected, guys. I'm telling you, and also when he does this politician thing, the greatest humanitarian effort, that's what Obama was doing. It's the same politician.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's mimicking what people act like and there's nothing spontaneous.


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[Assistant] What season? Season six, Australia, mate. With whom? Um, Piggy, Chadwick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he had a tiger tattoo over his heart because this girl broke his heart. Uhm, Susie Meister, and uhm, well, we were like really young. It's a million years ago. I'm trying to remember the cast even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you have to spend more time in other countries.


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[Assistant] There was a time on this podcast where he was known as the master of accents and he could replicate any.


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[Assistant] Shit in his mouth. Shit. Eat the poopoo.


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[Assistant] All this frou-frou down here comes down and we get wider down at the bottom and uh,


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[Assistant] Slimmer through here where we want chuggy. Chuggy. I want chuggy cheeks.


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[Assistant] Or maybe the first time I had my fingers blacked out. That was a really traumatic experience. I always remember that day.


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[Assistant] It was very cool, she's a great lady. She's coming tonight, she's really excited. What's the best like, when I hear that song, Garth?


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[Assistant] My husband and I have been together for 13 years and not monogamous that entire time. We've been married for nine and have two kids together. We're hierarchical, so we put our relationship first if we ever feel like our marriage or our family is threatened. Luckily, we've never felt like anyone was a threat to us. Anyone we've dated or been with has just added to our lives. Most of our relationships have been casual, especially early-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To save these children from the well. Quick, who can say fuck your mother in Italian the fastest?


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[Assistant] Probably. I don't think anyone gets the context here in the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to admit, pressure washing looks like a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty cool. You know, it's funny, uhm, our friend Ali Wong was just nominated for an Emmy. Yes. For her comedy writing in her special. And I was thinking to myself, why, why aren't I Emmy nominated? And it's probably because we opened our show with Diamonds in the Crevice of Your Pussy.


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[Assistant] What comes out of your mouth? I just don't have a filter. It's the problem of mine, I don't think.


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[Assistant] I need to go back and correct whatever impression I've left. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. I'm stupid. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just don't have tact, I think is, uh, is my flaw. I'm just not, I'm not very good with societal. But you know what, hey, good thing I found comedy. Comedy's good. Where I get rewarded for being, uh, a dope.


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[Assistant] You know, once, once you start getting those, those strikes against you, getting arrested, getting the law involved.


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[Assistant] What a great tool the Taser is. It's fantastic. Are these psychos? You don't wanna shoot the guy. You don't wanna touch the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean shit, like I've been elect- like shocked, like you know, you accidentally touch something, it's uh, uh, can you imagine that current running through your entire-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why I'm thinking about this, but did you know when somebody gets murdered in your house or something, yeah, like a murder happens and it's on your property that you have to pay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know how expensive that shit is. Just getting your carpet steamed is a fortune.


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[Assistant] When our kids mess up our carpets or the walls, hey, just getting, getting to paint over some marker is a fortune.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. Is it really that important? Well, we've heard stories of celebrities who will go to hotels and be like, I don't care if I have to, like, what's the penalty? And they'll just do it and not, and pay three grand or whatever it is. Like you really have to smoke indoors that much. I mean, it's like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's the ultimate, it's one of the privileges of being an adult, huh? It really is.


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[Assistant] Well here's the part that you're not mentioning yet is that there's signs everywhere on Laurel Canyon like do not flick your butts out because that's how fires start. Yea, but that's for other people.


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[Assistant] Oh, they didn't give a fuck at school. No? They didn't give a fuck at school. Our school did. They smelled it on you, you get in trouble?


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[Assistant] Cause, cause LA is like Catholic light school. Like everybody would, like teachers would smoke at this school. No, I had a teacher that smoked.


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[Assistant] I know I heard you talking Santino about your GPA, 2.1 Tom. That is fucking, what a D average homie.


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[Assistant] I mean, but bro, no one told you like, so you gotta like, so- Didn't care. I was retired in math too.


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[Assistant] But you know what, I feel like it's such a bad time to put that much pressure on young people. You're 14 years old. You're becoming, you're in puberty. You're just figuring out girls, your genitals, life. And then at the same time they're like, hey, don't forget, take your SAT. So this, this will set you up for the rest of your life. God damn.


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[Assistant] It's funny, yeah, I'm always amazed at kids that could excel in high school. I think there's just so much going on with you at that age.


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[Assistant] Uh, whatever, what are they called? Guidance counselor? Yeah. I was like, well, there's Pierce College, which is a community college. You can go to community college. I'm like, I'm not going to fucking community college. I'm gonna go into like a private Jesuit school. I have to pay my way in. And I did. And I got in on academic probation.


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[Assistant] I need my chips in a bowl. I need cats eating kibble.


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[Assistant] As you know, my signature lip color is red. I've been wearing this since I was 13 years old. I am passionate about red lipstick. I have tried every brand, every shade, you name it. I have done it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am an expert in red lipstick and I get so many questions, what, which one do you buy or what are you wearing? What are you wearing? What are you wearing? That I decided to contact Italy's premier atelier, is what it's called, atelier makeup company. And we spent months developing this and I have finally made.


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[Assistant] My own shade of red lipstick. I'm calling it Christina P's perfect red lipstick. And as far as I'm concerned, and then this is like, I worked to create this formula.


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[Assistant] Perfect. Meaning like sometimes it's too soft and you'll get creases or it's too hard and it'll dry out your lips. This is the most beautiful lipstick. I think it's reasonably priced. It is on our website, uh, YMH Studios.


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[Assistant] Check it out, try it out and you can finally look like your mommy here. So I want to give it to the women of the world because you know, a red lip really changes your life when you're feeling like a frumpy bag of shit. You put on a red lip and life is much better. So there you go.


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[Assistant] Cleveland, Ohio at Hilarities, August 12th and 13th. Minneapolis, August 26th and 27th. One night only in Jude York Titties at Brooklyn at the Bell House on September 7th. Detroit, September 9th. Finally, I've never done Detroit and I'm super stoked. One night in Chicago, September 10th.


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[Assistant] Zainy's in Nashville, October 6th, 7th, and 8th, and then back again to Judork, Teddy's, and Caroline's, and then Biloxi.


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[Assistant] Uhm, November 18th, tickets at ChristinaPOnline.com. Thank you.


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[Assistant] What an interesting psychology. He's so extreme. He's such like a Benji.


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[Assistant] Person. Like just hearing that out of controlness is like.


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[Assistant] And you know what's interesting because we've known him for so many years, it sounds like it's getting more extreme versus slowing down as he ages. Like he's doing more and then being more excessive. So the pendulum is even farther both ways.


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[Assistant] Uhm, this is why I recommend better help, better help online therapy. How we take care of our minds affects how we experience life, so it's important to invest time and care into keeping them healthy.


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[Assistant] Uhm, better help is online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat only therapy sessions. So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist.


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[Assistant] In under 48 hours. I mean, listen, if you haven't gotten, I don't know how people live without talking to a licensed professional. There's no shame in that game, man. Uh, it just makes your life better.


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[Assistant] Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Mom's House. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash Mom's House.


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[Assistant] Oh, but like so fucking loud and I'm just sitting there waiting for the next take. We have like a 10 minute break. I look over and Joey's fully like...


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[Assistant] I saw this meme, uhm, it was, it was a side by side photo of Joey Diaz and Brad Pitt and apparently they're both the same age.


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[Assistant] I'm finally learning at 46, like, okay, I can eat, like, that huge ass piece of cake, but that shit's gonna live on my body now, for like, months.


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[Assistant] This is so amazing. So this, this popped into my stories, my mentions, and I do believe it's real.


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[Assistant] I mean, it's so hard. Yeah, that's the best part too. Who knows how many years he's had that and how, if he's still mad at Greg's, is it Greg Stevenson? It was Phil Stevenson. Like, what's the grudge? You're right, the story behind that.


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[Assistant] Well, see, I found this guy on the talk and I immediately scrolled over because I was like, pervert, no thanks. Because everybody knows you get fitted by an aggressive Russian lady. Yes. That's who takes care of your tetes, not Santa Claus.


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[Assistant] And by the way, a pick up with no underwear, it's not going to support your mushy purples. It's just going to mash them down. Listen.


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[Assistant] You need titties in order to fit titties.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't trust this guy. I'm not into this guy at all. I would never go to him. I don't trust him.


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[Assistant] It's still, it doesn't make sense. It's like buying a, a, a, what do you guys wear when you play football? A cup. Yeah. A soft cup. Yeah. It's silly.


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[Assistant] Don't cover your friend. Do you know that when I met Tom, my parents had covered the furniture and put seat covers on their car seats. And so remember I was like, Oh, I have this new car. I have to put car seats on the car. He's like, what? He doesn't. And to this day, you don't let me cover the furniture and the kids always fuck it up.


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[Assistant] They sleep on top of our head and they just, they roughhouse with him.


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[Assistant] I love it. I just wish there was an on and off switch. Like I wish there- like I wish I could be a parent and be fully rested. You know what I mean? Not-


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[Assistant] So you're empty nesters, so like, what do you, so what happens when they leave? What do you, what do you do?


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[Assistant] But that's how they used to do it, like in England. Yeah. You know, you just send your kid to boarding school when they're what's like Ellis's age, I think six or seven.


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[Assistant] Maybe it was Frostbite? I feel like Frostbite, can't that take your toes off that cleanly?


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[Assistant] Yeah, does it take them all? And do I have to Google frost bite after frost bite too? Ugh, yeah, it's so smooth.


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[Assistant] So walk me through how you, so then you must pull your pants all the way down your ankles.


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[Assistant] Do you think they can wear shoes? Are they wearing Birkenstocks? Do you wear shoes to cover up that?