[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what? That's also something that I'm gonna miss out on. I mean, granted, I don't take any of those here, but I remember in school, the J holidays is like eight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm going, wait, I'm going Catholic or like Christian? I want the tame one. No, we're going Catholic, dude. That's the hardest. Yeah, but you don't have to go-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't see what emblems on that chain. Nothing. Okay, then no, then there's not one iota of, uh, religion. You know what though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be cool. Let's do that. That actually sounds kinda dope. You don't have to like recut my dick or anything, right? No, no, no, no. Cause we do that to you guys if you come to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's a, it would be like a metaphorical, like, prick. Like, they're like, we gotta draw blood, homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Play with people's feelings, including you, Gabriella.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't think I needed to see it, and I still don't think I need to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess we do have a sort of moral compass that we share that you don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Similar demeanor. Did you work with Brian? Yeah, briefly. I worked around Brian for about like six months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, one of his projects, well he was working on a project for, uhm, called, uh, da-da-da-da-da, what was it, it was about Kailash, uhm, Price of Free, I think is what it was called. Okay. And then I was working at that same company, uhm, so I sell him pretty much every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I don't- I don't- I don't- I only drink socially and I don't really smoke weed or-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, uh, 20, 50, 20, 2100? Out of, what is it nowadays? 2400? They changed it. Yeah. The scale. What's the total? I know my math was pretty high, but I think I shit the bed on the writing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not, it's, uh, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's tough sometimes. Uhm, yeah, especially during the live shows where I'm all alone in that room and I get to watch it both live on the website and then I get to watch it on the playback. Yeah. So I get to see it twice. Yeah. Cause there's a delay. Yeah. So that's fine. I get to puke twice basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, the worst one for me was when I saw the prolapsed anuses for the first time, because I've never seen that before. Many people have not. Yea, and I didn't think I needed to see it, and I still don't think I need to see it. But, uh, yea, it sort of ruined porn for me in general, because now I can't see any anal action without fear of a prolapse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I wasn't a big fan of it, but now I'm not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fun. That's kind of a fun one. Yeah, that is the fun one. I do remember the pig. There's a lot of pig themes on this show, it seems like. Yeah. Yeah, the guy in the gimp outfit. Yeah. Oh, him too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, weirdly enough, I don't like to, uh, uh, use slurs and foul language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean the most horrible, I'm definitely not gonna say words like faggot or retard around my parents because that would be inappropriate. I know you really wanted me to say this, that's why I said it, but I'm not going to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, yeaah. It's definitely the most exciting job I've had ever since.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little messed up in the head, but there, you guys are generally sweet. Yeah, we're nice people, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm with you. He's fine. That seems like too large of a drop after the break. He's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't say it cushioned him. It stopped it from being five stories. Right. And made it three and a half, I guess. If you want to split the difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm being honest, I would have to say yes. Yes! Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, not really, I mean, I don't really have a public profile. I know, but what a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I do have a profile on Instagram, but I don't use it. I haven't used it in years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, that's- Okay, well let's verify this. If you find me on there, there's a good chance you will not be able to- See? Double E it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a nice, a nice girl who likes, I don't know, hanging out, watching TV, maybe going on a hike on the weekend or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll eat my cooking. She doesn't have to cook cause I'll probably cook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm a nerd, yeah, if that's what you're getting at, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If think, think comic books, geek, whatever you want, that's probably gonna fit me to a T. And you'll eat the booty like groceries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know that your car may have remote start on it, operated through the key fob, and you didn't even know it? For example, let me show you on this Camry. So here's your Toyota life hack. So here's the trick. Camry XSE V6. Watch this. You hit lock, lock, and then hold down lock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right before you come, yeaah, I'll swallow if I want to. I have no problem swallowing. I'd stop for a minute and I'd put a big hickey on your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna put this in your mouth and you're gonna have to suck it dry. You're gonna just suck it dry, Mark. You got that beautiful mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To rub your genitals over your pants in waiting rooms, like the dentist's office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so when you're waiting, you just, and she's old. Okay? She's really old, but she knows how to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up there chomos? Welcome to another episode of your mom's house podcast. She's Christina P. I'm Tom Segura. You are in. You made it. You're here. Just in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just it. I wanna make you feel like you're the only one. You're the only one for me. Viewer. Or listener.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People get overwhelmed sometimes by the collection of letters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, you know, I'm just going to say Mr. Tom. And I was like, okay. I didn't think it was, you know, but it happens. Yours is much more intimidating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People always go, uh, we know you're not that young. You're like, I didn't send that in. I know. This club is so lazy that they just fuckin' typed my name in and pulled a picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show me that you like me. That's the only, see, when you're not hot, you don't have to worry about not being hot anymore. So I've never had this worried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I kind of, I mean, I know this sounds, but I even sometimes will go, oh, I think it's kind of a curse for these, like, really, you ever see somebody and they're so good looking? We have, we just did the other day. You're like, dude, and then you realize, well, that's all anybody thinks when they see them, like, this person,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is like a genetic freak. Marvel. Yeah, they're a marvel. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically the people who I think engage that person don't ever care what the person thinks or says or encourages it or anything. They're just like, look at you. I know. And so those people usually respond the best to people that don't. Acknowledge their looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was not wearing, he was not wearing sweatpants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good, that's a good line. But it was really funny. It's funny, yeaah. Yeaah. But you can only say that to really good looking people, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. Oh, she made a public debut. Go to the one before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she's not his second wife, that's his, it's his... Slam piece. No, no, no, it's who he divorced, uhm, his, you know, his long time wife for. He's like in a relationship with this other lady now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but she's quite- She's a banger. Put together, yeah. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Good for him. Oh, you know another fun one that I've done? Like the joke of somebody?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I met a couple of people in wheelchairs after uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. He's a little more blessed in the face though, I would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use me as a toilet. I'm sure it's what he's saying. You think he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, every guy does. Every guy does. They see Paulina, they go, uh, put your pee-pee there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gorgeous. Look, she's maintained incredibly well, don't you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, only the ones where it's really natural, like where they really are, um, genetic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember Christy Turlington like being a kid, and it's like, oh, all these years later, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you look at her now, she looks exactly like her heyday, like her prime. Stunning. Crying out loud, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. No, they're like, they are freaks. They're freaks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do you model for the fucking vet? Cause you don't look like a human model, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing. If you post a picture that someone took a picture, like someone took a picture. I'm a model. Yeah, I mean, then everybody's a model, you know? Yeah. I'm into modeling, are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially, you know, the models that really piss me off? Marginally attractive models. I agree. Like, you have no clear, like, real gifts, you know? Like, you're like, okay, you have a somewhat symmetrical face. You're not fucking model material. No. Get out of here, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about people who are, you would not, you would be like, yeah, that person's attractive, but like the audacity of you to be like, I'm a model, because you're marginally attractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like I'm not gonna spit on you if it's a blind date and you show up. Right. But let's not act like you're a fucking 10. You're not in LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to be the person that they hand their portfolio to and you just go like, God, look at your body. Look at your body. Don't you just wish you had a different face?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you remember when, uhm, Krista Stefano was here? And he said, he went to like, uh, that basketball camp and Jim Bayheim was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys are like top tier college players and they go to the NFL and they're just like, you just don't have it man. It's so true. You're like, you don't have great lateral movement in your hips. It's just not, it's nothing you can do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every Tuesday, Tuesday it comes out here on the Your Moms House Podcast channel at 6am and please rate, review, and subscribe on iTunes. Uhm, let's make Josh's show a big hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, every Friday. Friday's 6am. We do the early release now on all the channels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes. So, this is what happened. Laying in bed, you came over, you're being affectionate, you start kinda like giving me the over the pants run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To rub your genitals over your pants in waiting rooms, like the dentist's office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so when you're waiting, you just, and she's old. Okay? She's really old, but she knows how to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because this way there's no like, like overly sexualizing, like if she's like a young hottie then it's like, uh, no, no, no. It's an old lady, you don't want her to touch you. But the thing is, she's a rub master. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She rubs, and you're like, ugh. And you're kind of grossed out by her, but then you're like, well you're really good at this, and she's like, I've been doing this for 50 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what's her accent? 50 years. She's missing a few. And so what happens is you don't come in your pants. You don't come in your pants. What happens is it gives you just a nice sensation. Then you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go, yeaah. And then you sit in the dentistry. He starts drilling your teeth and you're like, can I get that old lady in here again? And he's like, sure. So he goes, machela. And she comes in and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She rubs your lingam a little more through your pants, like it's not even...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know. Well, she would, and then you correct her. You're like, that's a little... Could you just say, like, my kitty cat or something? My meow, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? And then she just, all she does is she just rubs the outside a little and you're like, ahhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You're just. That would be cool on Shark Tank. Hey sharks, we're here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, okay, and like, this is called, Just Relax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we brought these old ladies from over the pond and they're mostly gypsies. They don't speak great English. But if the one thing they're good at, it's helping you relax with their patented three approach technique. And they're like, great. Would you like to try? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, just lay back and close your eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, hey, what are you doing? I'm like, hey, you just need to relax, stop being a fucking asshole, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Barbara's like, wow, my clam feels real relaxed right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like, yeah. Do you want to give us 15 million dollars for 3% of our company?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't ever. But you can tell when they really like an idea. When they start bidding, when they really get into it. I like that. I like that part too. It's just rare, you know? It's rare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that he has more money than all the other sharks combined? Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could combine them, take it away from work and he'd be like, that's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They still do. And that's why, are you out? Well then we're, hey, stop touching this guy. He's out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? Hmm. Check this out. Turn over and get on all fours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't we use these seniors, these seniors who like, they want to feel valued. You know? They do, they want to be, they want to feel important. And you're like, you know what? You've been touching people's genitals for 60 years. Why don't you touch mine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if like the best, the best fuck of your life is from a guy who's in his 80s right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put on a blindfold. Put on a blindfold. Yea, but I still feel his soggy body. Let Hal do his thing and you put on a blindfold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, uh, Cabo, you soup bag? You soup bag? Yea, he asked me that one time. Cabo, you soup bag? And I go, what's that? And he goes, soup bag. And I go, I don't know what that is. And he goes, yea, you do. And I go, no I don't. Yea. And he goes, soup bag, you put suits in it. And I go, oh what? Oh, a bag for suits. And I go, yea, it's just that your, you know, your enunciation is not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people have different issues, I mean look at this guy. Racist. This guy has an issue with our boy Joe. No. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I will text this to Joe later. Got your next guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love it, I would love it. I will tell Joe that I did give this guy his number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you help me say Keanu? Yeah, Keanu. Keanu West.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many years ago we were introduced to this style of training video and it has been a while and it has intensified.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's that from? This is amazing. You know, native?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are full kicks, bricks, punches, a fucking tree log, just like rammed into it, and the guys are like, no emotion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Shaolin and the Wu Tang could be dangerous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now there's one thing I've learned from you over all these years. I know now when a woman isn't wearing a supportive bra. I notice it all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your back pain goes away. Yes. So, do you think that this lady is wearing the wrong bra?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think there's a point though that you get to this, that like your tits get so big, you're like, well fuck bras.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever you see a guy in there, I'm like, oh, that guy doesn't fuck. Doesn't fuck. He doesn't care anymore?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked down and I was like, what is, what is that on? And they were like net, like see through, but only covering like the front half of a foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'd never seen anything like it, and they were see-through, but like, that's the thing, they were very thin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, she made a video of it. Hey, look how dirty my shit is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi. I got dirty s- Oh, is she gonna tell you how to clean them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it's about, right? So, look here. So then is she showing them? What is she doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So does, okay, now she's pointing to how dark they are. Does she actually remedy that? No? She's just like, so anyway, I made them super dark. That's the fucking video?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, like that one there where you can see the one below. Yeaah. Where you see like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is weird that like I can see that and immediately go like, oh that person's not a sexually viable person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like if a woman walks up and goes, I'm like, she plays softball. Like immediately. That's my first thing. She hikes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the smell, can you imagine? Those definitely smell. Yes. Those come off and you're like, whoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an article that says, why do people shirt size sweaters? Like that's an actual article.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such a bad, I know, every asshole does this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it really is. It's such douche. And I don't know why it immediately means that, but it does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might not be, that's the thing. He might not be, but he looks like he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. He's like, you know what it is? It's a guy that complains. He's a, he's a male. He's a Karen. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. He's the guy who's like, oh, there's a snowboarder. This is a skiing mountain. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the guy who's like, who looks at you and he's like, zip up, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess it's casual out here today, and you're like, okay, dude, what the fuck's wrong with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom is a fucking panic person. One time we went on a cruise and we got off on the cruise in somewhere in the Caribbean and somebody was like, Oh, do you want to go on whatever? See something this beautiful? Let's say waterfall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, we gave the drivers like a hundred bucks, and they put you in a private, small minivan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're going up a hill, and it starts to get windy, and she starts screaming. And we were all like, no. And she was like, aaah! And she lays down, and she's like, nah! It was like, it was a narrow shitty road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, you're not a fast, like, reckless driver. I just worry that, like, you're not seeing things. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause she'll do it, she'll like pull up to a light and she's like getting ready to turn right and like, Hey, there's two people here about to cross the street. She goes, Oh, I know, I know. And I'm like, okay, well you just kind of like look like you're about to go. And she's like, Ah, I see them. But it just, yeah, it kind of freaks me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna scream like that, I just, I'm like, I just don't wanna be in an accident right now. With you being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you notice anything about this? I'm gonna, I just wanna know if you notice anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is uhm, teacher of the year contestants in Russia were made to rub a phallic crystal trophy during a bizarre ceremony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's a tradition in the event which is sponsored by leading international oil companies for contenders to touch the annual trophy before the winner is announced. But this year, the specially cut object had an ambiguous shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could tell who was like, thought it was funny and wanted to touch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they're fountains with dicks on it, and they just shoot all day, they do like a, uh, you know, a fountain show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's very funny. My first thought is, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, we modeled, we're models, we modeled yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had two sets of modeling shots yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He forgot that we were taking photos. We had the whole team had, uh, photos taken just because we haven't had photos taken in a while, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I see it too, uhm, somebody will be like, do you know you're in this? I'm like, yeah, dude. Because it'll be shared in like, fishing circles. Like, when you're trying to just fish and she wants you to do something else. It's like all these redneck things, you know? I know. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is back in October, this is, she did this in Halloween time. So this is the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I feel like, uh, let's stay in the Christina Lane and go for this. Uhm, Hungarian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those who try to cross illegally may end up in prison easily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like when someone's like, you may easily end up in prison, means you're going to prison here. Easily. That's not a debate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My city is the worst option for you to come to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that would be like Texas being like, you're trying to get to Oklahoma? Well, shortest route is through New Mexico. So don't even fucking think about coming through here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have an update from a few months ago. So do you remember that we couldn't figure out if uhm, what was going on with this person?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, uhm, I tried to get, when we did our photoshoot, I tried to get Drew to pull his dick out and he wouldn't. Yeaah, why didn't he? Uhm, so upsetting. I was like, come on dude. And he was like, no. And I was like, come on. He goes, wait, are you serious? And I go, yeaah, everybody wants to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cannot wait. Just send, send me some files when they come in and we'll start, we'll work on ideas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a reason why he's so relaxed. He's so chill. Everybody you meet is not like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's the key to it. I think everybody who's like really chill, you're like, are you coming a lot? And they're like, actually I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, when you see like those incel guys and you realize, oh, if somebody just was like, I like this guy and get, he'd be done with his craziness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what the good point is? That the ladies, the old ladies that are sent, and they're just, they're, they're just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the main thing is these old ladies that are, that are kinda helping these guys out who are all backed up and don't have any affection to go and they rub their dicks and they have a slogan. We won't make you cum, but we'll make you hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine if you saw an old, like a bunch of old ladies together and they have walkers and they all have these shirts on that says, we won't make you cum but we'll get you hard. And you're like, hey, can I get one right now? Okay. And they come over and they do their little rub magic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should do it for, seniors should do it too. They should sit next to the toilets. Cause they're sitting most of the time anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should do, listen, seniors should be rubbing dicks, rubbing clits, wiping asses, uhm, they should be tying our shoes, cleaning our ears, trimming our necks,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they just, yea, they file them down, they clip them, and they, maybe, maybe you put like a little moisturizer on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it is wild. Let's see it. It's like really old ladies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weirder to me to see the, um, the, the old ladies for some reason. You know, like the old guy ones are like whatever, but you gotta find like a real old lady. And you're like, what in the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, this old lady. I don't like it. This is how she's able to keep her home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I'd like to find a more fragile one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see how resilient she is? She's like, yeah, I fuckin' know. And she's not giving a blowjob, she's getting face fucked. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, that's a big hog. Can you, is there like a, like a black granny gangbang?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, some of these bitches. Same. Like Walker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would have to tell her to look away. Yeah, go down there, but don't face me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, this is the kielbasa. Yeah. She's done this for a long time. What the fuck is she doing? Is she like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's the craziest part? Oh my gosh, she's like, is that this guy did this and then they're like, here's $200.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is someone's favorite thing, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll take care of your Nana. Send your Nana $200. Sure she doesn't have to do porn. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know if you're out there, send us an email. We won't- No, no, if you're out there and you're like, that's my favorite genre, I wanna know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Send an email to yourmomspodcast at gmail.com


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the subject line, granny porn, and I wanna know what about it gets you excited. Because that's a rough one, I think. To really, like if you're like, no, no, no, I really, I search for that, I want a woman 50 years older than me. Uhm, I mean you wouldn't jerk off to that, would you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a question for you. What's harder to watch? The old lady having sex in the porn or the old man having sex in the porn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I find it harder to watch the old lady, not the old man. Yeah, same. No, no, but we're different genders and we both have the same problem. With the woman. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not the Santa porn. I hate Christmas porn. This poor girl, she's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gonna die and he's, he's probably in his 60s, he's 325 pounds. She's 22. There's at least a 40 year gap here, you know? Yeah. And he does not deserve any of this. None of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if he performs a lot. Tom, let me ask you this. Oh my god. Let me ask you this. Okay. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The camera can't capture her. She doesn't look super turned on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like I'm gonna buy an iPhone. I'm gonna buy an iPhone right after he comes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and what happens is the girl who, if you end up sleeping with that girl, it's only the one who you've pro- for me that I've probably expressed that to and who was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care, I think you look, you know what I mean? I wouldn't be able to hide my shame. I would be like, I want to sit you down and tell you something. And she would be like, what? I go, I'm disgusting. You're gonna throw up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy has an accent at a minimum. It's definitely him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, what was it called? It was called Uncle Something's Pool Party. Remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Albert! Uncle Albert? There you go! That's what it was. That's what it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I probably would, and then I like, so this, I'm picturing that I'm, uh, what, in my 60s or 70s or something? So I'd be like, nah, I'm really gross. And she'd be like, no, you're not. And then, you know, she's like blowing me and pissing in my mouth or whatever. And then you really ended up pissing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, what would happen is, I would look at myself like, you're so disgusting, like to myself, and then I would, out of, cause I'm all guilt wired, I would be like, here's a handbag, she'd be like, what's this for? I would say, I just thought I liked you, but really I'd be like, it's an apology for looking the way I look. That's what would happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he'd be like, oh, that's fucking awesome. Yeah, 20 year old boys are a lot easier. He'd be like, he'd go, he'd be like, can we eat you out again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most people have that thing, most, where they go, I can't be with somebody, I'm talking about, like, grown adults, they go, I can't be with somebody younger than my grown children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, let's see. This guy looks old, man. He looks old. Oh, he's not that old. God damn it. You know what I mean? Like someone is trouble getting around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I was a little, I was in too good a shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's see, let's see. Oh my god, he looks like shit. But I don't know how old he is, I think he just has bad, you know, genetics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always think about- He's 50. Yeah. I always think about the girl in these. Always. Man, how did she... He looks so old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also has a terrible look, you know? He's not so old, but he has a terrible look to him. Like that stupid facial hair. Oh god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she, you know, she walked out of there like, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd rather eat that guy's ass again than have his tongue in my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here we go. He's like, I think I'm in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, yeaah. That's a bad, that's bad thrusting right there. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe she's like, this is an easy thing. I think it probably would be to show up a fuckin' old guy. If you're used to fuckin' stallions every week and they're like, this guy's 60, he's gonna barely hang in there. You're like, alright, same rate, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I keep all the extra money because it came in me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not even kidding, when we were in school, they should have played us videos like this. And they're like, you wanna do drugs? And you're like, yes. And they played this and you're like, oh shit. It really should happen. This guy's on drugs right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only bad kids take drugs and you're like, sounds fun to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy is a fuckin' mess, his life's over, I'll pass on drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finish, obviously. For sure. Where did you get that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how many people are like, you did it Craig. This is so hot. Thank you for posting this. Craig nailed it today guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a security camera in that store for sure. A number of them. That probably later they were like, oh, that's why there's piss on the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This has been, can I tell you, I've been avoiding this clip. I've seen it in my bank for weeks. And why? I don't know. Here it is. I think it just weirds me out. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy planted a plant in an open, in an abscess in his leg. His, has blood drip going into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the whole side thing I got going on during this occupation right now of these streets is I'm growing a plant out of my leg. I don't know, this one just weirded me the fuck out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This has Pacific Northwest vibes to me. Oh. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like this guy. I know. I don't like his energy. This dude is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go away. Go away. Yea, this is the guy too that he's like, you should give me your house. Yea. That's his philosophy, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see the fat smoker video I sent you? I sent you one and then I found another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's wild about drugs too, cause they should just show the Fedsmoker story to the kids, is uhm, his looks vary to vary, like to vary video to video so dramatically, that if you didn't hear his voice, you'd be like, oh that's a new guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. He's the opposite of a wellness person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I talk to Tony Gonzalez, you know, like he's 44, I think, and he's like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like super health conscious. And you see it, right? He's like, what he consumes, he watches everything he eats and vitamins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do. I have a relative who hasn't gained a pound since he got married, uhm, an uncle, like, uh, forty-some years ago. Damn. Just same waistline, and he's a big runner, real active dude. And he couldn't believe that he needed a stint put in. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Genetics are a motherfucker. Mine suck. Balls. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] I think you have a good, I think you have a good 30 years left with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It becomes second nature. I can, I know if I go, hey babe, the response, whether to ask you the next thing. You know, you could be in another room and if you're, if you're like, you could just say one word and I'll just turn around and be like, yeah, I'll just let her do what she's doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You know what it is? It's like, you, uhm, I think a mature marriage, if you've been with someone, you also just go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is a moment right now that, uh, they need space, or they're frustrated, or they're, uhm, overwhelmed, or she's tired, like, you automatically register it. Right? Like I just go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see you, you say something, I'll be like, in my head, I'll be like, she's tired. Same way, honestly, like the same way you do with your own kids, right? They're tired. Just let it go. If I'm in a good place, then I can process that, go, she's tired. Yeah. And then I'll be like, you know what? All these things I was going to ask, I'm just going to do them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm happy to announce right here right now that in 2024 I'll be running for president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's gonna be a long time down the line. Most of the things that I'm gonna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you have to talk to some people in my camp. You know, you can't just get the VP nomination like that. You have to prove yourself. You have to tell me like, some of your background.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I know, but I can't, I can't just hand it to you like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything has cheese on it. That's the whole thing. Everything has cheese. That's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No extra charge for extra cheese, and that's my platform. And, and uh, no new taxes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody get, every winter we'll get fresh socks that you can pull up and they fit nice and they keep you warm and we're gonna kick some minorities out of the country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You better be on the right side of that fence. Well guess what? You're on the first boat out. So long as it's a boat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, 100% and I rest my case, uh, Chris Wallace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have two minutes, uh, I only need ten seconds. Yes, you can jerk off wherever you want. This is America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Third degree murder is now legal. Oh, third? That means like it wasn't premeditated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna graffiti something? Does it look badass? Here's the thing, the punishment is severe if it's shitty artwork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So are you graffiti something that looks like shit? You get a 25 year prison sentence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No kids allowed in the Best Buy. Bestest thing, Best Buy is now 18 plus only. No one under 18 can go to Best Buy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. That's just the thing. Actually, most businesses are going to convert to AT only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a great way to bankrupt an airline company. So yes, I'm in. You guys have to reduce the number of seats, make them all lay flats, and they cost the same as an economy seat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Immediately they take your phone and they set it on fire in front of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are all good ideas, and I wanna, I changed the position already. All the minorities are welcome back in our country. Even Nadav.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Oh, I found, uh, my, uh, secretary of state. Oh, who is it? It's right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my fabulous Nicole Princess Taylor, Secretary of State of the United States of America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty wild. Uhm, oh, so you know this thing, this guy has like four million, uhm, views on different platforms. The mommy challenge, the drive through, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks James. Thanks James. There was so many of these, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was yours. Do you wanna hear, this is really funny, before we do our talks. We have talks. We have talks, yea. This is a Israeli, like, game show, and it has people with weird laughs on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I know Nadav hates it, but for different reasons. Um, Nadav, those are your people? Unfortunately, yeah. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like you to talk to a shrink about this. Will you talk to a therapist about it? Yeah, sure. I'll bring it up with my therapist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, you'd be like, oh hey, I would like to address my unwavering anti-semitism. And then they'll be like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't, they don't. Congratulations on getting on the show. Uhm, I would work on the eye line a little bit. Maybe hold the camera up and look at the lens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they must have done something to her though, right? That's not unprovoked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did they do? I mean, that really makes me curious to the backstory. Because I really, I feel that woman's anger, you know? Like I can, I feel like she felt so slighted by them that she had to unleash that on them, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do. I feel like they are little fucking cunts in that car. I do. I feel like it. And I feel like they did something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that shit never goes away. That, you know, that little fire. No. It's with you till the end, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this is an African American man and his body looks light skinned and his face looks so dark. Like, that's like a health issue, right? Like this isn't his pigmentation. This guy's, I feel like his face is like, we're about to die. Like, blood pressure through the roof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that color thing is really wild, right? It's off-putting. The difference?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm serious, I think it's health related. I'm, I'm, it's a wild guess, but... Could be. He's so much darker in the face, it's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just like cinematic. This is a dramatic thing he's doing. I would cut it off a little second sooner. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe look for a little more in your message. I mean, he's casting a net there. Do you want to lead her? See what comes back, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can see that bulge. God damn. You can see the, uh. Got the belt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tight clothing is for you. You know? If you work for that body, or even if it's naturally given to you, let everybody take a gander.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you wear a fucking tighter jeans, asshole. Yeah, that's how I do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the strangest just library of information to keep. You know, like this is his diary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and like to be like, I gotta report, I gotta let people know what just happened. I was just looking at a girl's ass and she almost caught me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you just don't go like, oh, I should broadcast this story, you know? Everybody has been caught looking at somebody before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want you to be able to pull up the day I stared at someone's ass and they saw me. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He fired up his phone to be like, I just saw a great ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God. Do you really think that this man's alive right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a, this is a note. That's what this is. This guy's beyond depressed. I know I'm depressed after watching it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Embracing the next world you're gonna live in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's hopeful that heaven lets him into the gates. This is not, this guy's not alive. We just watched somebody's last message. That was so depressing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll show you, I'll show you a fun talk. I don't know what to tell you. This is a fun talk right here. Have you seen this? On the zipline?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, that's not funny to me. Then I'm confused on what makes you laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just felt the genuine panic, you know, like something getting away from you that you can't control, like the speed of that, and then you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Intellectually not to put your hand there. Like he definitely knows that. But he did it, and then his hand is completely fucking destroyed on the inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The line is, uh, and also whatever, however his apparatus is set up, it just took off, I mean, he was flying and he's several hundred feet up in the air. It's crazy. And then as he's trying to slow down, I mean, you can tell it is fucking hauling at, that's what I'm talking about, when you go like, oh my god, I'm not in control, and you can have that, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the thing, you only need to put the jar of water outside in a full moon and leave it open so that the moon vibes can get in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be terrible, and you gotta be dedicated, I mean, to that. You know, it's a good way to motivate yourself to get in shape, I think, is to go to prison. Yeah. Like, if you're looking for a place where you can just focus on your physique, I think it's prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you vote for me, I'll send every fat ass you know to prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna get upset by that, somebody for sure. I was disrespected as they laughed during my breathing song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you. I love you too. Uhm, thank you guys for listening. Our closing song is You're Fired by Alex B. Enjoy it, and we'll see you. Don't forget to go to ymhstudios.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ruined my day. I hope you have a bad day today and the rest of this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there something you long believed to be true and then realized wasn't? Jesus is our Lord and Savior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to ymhvirtual.com right now and get tickets to the third YMH Live. Crazy guests and crazier content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. Go to S A A T V A dot com slash the shit and get two hundred and twenty five dollars off


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Luxury Firm line. That's like the mattress you'd find at a luxury hotel. It's absolutely fantastic. It's made by Satva. They have a memory foam line called Lumen Leaf. We also have had that one. That's incredible. If you like memory foam, it's the way to go. Environmentally friendly products. Award winning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Customers support. These guys do mattress takeaway service. They do it all. And now we are actually sleeping on a sole layer. And that's the mattress that sits up and lays down, has zero gravity setting, has a vibration setting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's incredible. They're all great. Go to SATVA, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit. Get $225 off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And good morning, good afternoon, good evening, whatever time of day you are listening or watching your mom's house news network for Christina P. I'm Tom Segura, it's 63 degrees outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, the re-election campaign. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is exhausting. It is exhausting. And I'll, the last four years have been exhausting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kind of, you know, I told someone the other day, I feel like for four years, Game of Thrones has been on 24-7, and now some of us are like, can we watch C-SPAN for a while?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I am excited about. And like, you know, it's over, okay? The elections, I mean, there's a lot of people who...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, here in the real world where it's over, uh, I am excited and kind of nervous about the next 70 days of like what Trump might do. He's so untraditional, like he's so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so not like anybody else and he's so pissed off that you might wake up one morning and they'll go, hey, you know, there was an earthquake in, uh, Nevada last night, pretty significant. And then 90 minutes later, they're like, no, no, uh, Trump test to nuke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might, it's not that even, yes, but also, it's like, it's uhm, it might not even be lasting damage, I think it's a big like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want what's best, so here you- No way!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so there's a hundred guys on death row in Florida. I just let them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good question. She is out. She'll, she'll, she'll, it's part of the agreement. The agreement's probably like you gotta ride it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that's why she didn't go to these. If you remember back in 2016, they're like, she's still in New York and she was renegotiating the prenup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm sure a provision of that is like, you can't split-seize right away, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I gotta decorate this huge house. I don't wanna do this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people do. And I don't think they should. And by the way, I love whores. I don't think that like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are thinking that I'm trying to be disrespectful. I think whores are great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now she was going for way more than she should have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, like if you come in and I'm 90 and I've got millions of dollars, it's not like, yeah, it's cool that I ride the wave of, you know, joy on your tits on the way out. You're not entitled to all of it. Like you should get a little, little peace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, oh, you're so hot. I love you so much. And that guy was just like, oh my god. I mean, he didn't know what room he was in. Sort of like the new president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know people are just like, just, can you make it to January 20th? Are you gonna hold on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you can't appreciate how funny this is, because it is obvious what happened, and I only wish we had cameras in the White House to break this down. So just so you know, President Trump


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Announces after the election's been called, he's like, we're gonna have a press conference at the Four Seasons in Philadelphia. A little while later, he deletes that tweet, and he goes, it's gonna be at Four Seasons total landscaping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everybody's like, wait, where's that? Well...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like outside the city, it's a completely random place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they held a press conference that his lawyers were at, Giuliani held. Meantime, Four Seasons, the hotel branch goes, hey, just to be clear, this is not taking place at our location. He's going to be at Four Seasons Total Landscaping. What's hilarious about it is you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trump and or somebody was like book the Four Seasons to a lower level person to hold this press conference. You know that happened. And then somebody


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold the press conference. It's next to an adult bookstore and across the street from like a vape shop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best thing is that Four Seasons Total Landscaping put out a statement being like, like explaining the whole story. We were so happy. We would have held this not a partisan thing. Anybody wants to hold a press conference here, we're happy to do it. And at the end of all that and they go, and merch will be available on Monday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, you know, I am not conspiracy theorist at all, but for the election to be called and then like two days later, the, one of the biggest farmers of Google companies in the world is like, guess what? I think the vaccine is ready to go. You're like, um, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been a wild, wild couple days. I have friends, uhm, all over the world, and people are, this is like, you have no idea. I mean, every shop, restaurant, diner, basically across the world has been glued to the TV, too, watching this thing. They're just like, what's gonna happen, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the world wanted to know. Well yea, I mean it's, you know, some people are thrilled, some people are not. I feel like in the end America spoke and America said-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I realize though, it is a divided country, and I don't think it's, uhm, you know, all jokes aside, like, I hope that we can move forward in a better way, you know? It's been a really intensely brewing, boiling, bubbling pot of emotions for the last four years, and now we're here and you're like, well I hope


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that this guy could just cool everybody's jets a little bit. I think, I hope. This has been rough, rough, especially this year has been rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so easy to, to bump up against, you know, that guy's entire existence and also, you know, wondering what he'll do. It's not like he's going to go like, well, I'm happy to retire now. Like it's not in his personality, you know, so he's going to be, everyone's talking about Trump TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if the news outlets will be disciplined enough to not cover everything he does after he leaves because I actually think that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I actually, I am embarrassed that I had no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While I was expressing that I was not, uh, a supporter or fan of his, I mean, I, I understood he,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] President Trump was actually a big YMH fan. Oh my gosh. Here's the um, here's the footage right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, I felt bad, you know, I was like, wow, he's actually a big fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he'll come on now, he's got some free time. Uh, my favorite, uhm, Trump moment, the last four years for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's move forward. Hold on. You got to get the recount. So, um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Moving on. Oh, how long will Biden live? I know that people are excited, uhm, to, to place their bets. Uhm, will he make it to January 20th? Will he make it to March? Uhm, I don't think he lives for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trump, I don't know, I don't see, I mean, he does have the spray on a lot, and that's not accurate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really think that was like a campaign week thing? They're like, we haven't told you this for four years, but you look insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dial it back. The orange. Okay, yeaah. I didn't know this stuff didn't look good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I was surprised you didn't re- hear the- know this term, and maybe I wanted the guys- You know what a dick broom is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just thought that this was like, I mean, I feel like I first learned this in middle school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're broom-ing it as you're blowing it. Yea. When you're sucking on a D, you're broom-ing the top. Or the bottom, depends on which position you're at, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, somebody was just like, oh, like, guy's got a nice dick broom on him, like saying, nice mustache.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's always been, by the way, a more popular dick, or a gay look, is the mustache.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they guys make themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the optimal male appearance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you're in little league, they put a little cup in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice, which is smart. To protect your, your twig and berries. Okay, I think we got it now. I think we got it. Yeah, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't see from here, it looks like it's a red dot or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe for my calendar though, I'm shooting that calendar next month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Just to keep the guys interested, you know? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because you needed to keep your dick and balls, like, up together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it's seductive. It's seductive if you wanna make it seductive. It's functional. You gotta keep everything supported. Makes sense to have straps. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. Yeah, I think so. Okay. Well, good to know. Glad we got that out of the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't the first time I saw pornography. I was watching porn way too young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you feel like you're like doing this taboo thing and these, I remember that this guy had a ponytail and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A distinctly not attractive dude, right? And you're like, wow, this guy's doing this to this chick and she's blowing them and they're like, you know, it's like pre-sex and then he stands up and he squats over her face and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He squats and he puts his asshole onto her mouth and she was like, oh yeaah yeaah yeaah, like this is what I do. And so, and then he started like jaying his own D as she, like making her do that and I was like, uh uh. I was like what, and I didn't understand, I was too young, I was like, he's making her lick his asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were on a bed and she was on her knees and he stood up and just put his, sat down on her mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, what are you talking about? He stood up and just squatted and put his ass on her mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made it so clear. I don't know how it's not clear. Close that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not drawing it. If you don't understand this, you know, you need help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna try again. I'm gonna take it slowly. Do it slow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're doing their oral fun, okay? Doesn't matter, doesn't matter the positions. Just wait. Then, the woman is on her knees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Standing on the bed, she's on her knees on the bed. So as he's standing on the bed, he has his pee-pee in her mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like brownish red hair, and he's got a ponytail, and it's bad, it's kind of curly. Is he fat? No, but he's not like in shape, he's just kind of like bland, like blah. He's very, alright, and you're like, alright I'm watching a blowjob, that's exciting. He takes his peepee out of her mouth, okay, turns around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and like, forces it on there. And then he kinda, he gets, he's, he kinda gets on his tippy toes so that he can sit down on her mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he starts jaying his D, and he reaches his hand back and holds her head there. Like, you do that, you eat that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was like, alright, now I'm ready. And then he started having it, and I was like, okay, now do you picture it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty awesome. You got on a shirt of mine, you got fake chest hair, thing you put on. One of my bomber jackets that I always wear. You got a fake beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You even put on an FSU hat, and that day I happily wore an FSU shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty y'all. And then you came in and you're like, ayyyyyy, chicks are fucking dumb. Which is your impression of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was good. It really made me laugh. You really made me laugh. Thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You came in there, I was just laying there, and you were like, what's up everybody? Ayyyy. My favorite part is that that's your impression of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chicks dig it. You know who else digs it? Yeah. Guys who knows what, like a guy who knows what's up, like this guy right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always about asses. And I was thrown...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a loop that, also he's talking about his ladies great tits, and I'm like, I thought you were the ass guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ooh, ooh, ooh, before I go on, I have to make this, uh, clear. We have been told, and I'm gonna express it up until then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That if you plan on doing the next live show, which is gonna be fucking crazy. It's November 20th. It's at ymhvirtual.com as the other shows have been and it features Danny Brown,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My sister, OMG Maria, and music by Marc Reveille and of course, a crazy heavy segment


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're going to do it, get tickets ahead of time. The only reason I'm saying this is because most, a lot of people wait until the last 24 hours and that's what happens when people are like, oh, why is it, uh, you know, I'm being held up on the site. It's because so many people are going all at once. So even if you get it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The day before, two days before, you're doing yourself, you won't have to deal with any of the chaos. You can do it whenever you want. I recommend doing it. If you plan on being there, do it now. We're also leaving it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Through Thanksgiving weekend. Normally it's a one week thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, because I figured a lot of people would be with their families. Once you get a ticket, if you can't watch live, you can watch all week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From November 20th through November 29th, which is Sunday at midnight after Thanksgiving. So thank you and of course it is available worldwide. You don't have to join live, you can do it any time after. But thank you and it's gonna be, I think, our best show yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you just don't have to deal with the day of. Right. The day of. You just have your ticket. Just do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This really is like all he's about. I know. It's kind of cool that, you know, like we, we, we met him with the, the reviewing asses, right? He's like, I got to tell you, he watched like a different aisle. Right. And he was like, you know, there's, you know, this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, then you're watching this and you're like, oh, this is all he does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the interesting thing is that he makes these videos. You never see who he's talking about. So this is just a guy who's like, hey, I just saw someone. Here's what their tits and ass are all about. And you're like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. You just saw that and dropped that on you. It's pretty cool, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, this usually is when you're kind of realizing that you're sexually viable and, and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of are mature enough, you're, you're mature enough to be meaning like you're old enough to engage women and you know, you have like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, he put some rate, and then that is a toilet brush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he would be more fun, but you know what, I think there's some signs that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The teeth is a thing. I think he would push back on it. I think he would push back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean that's really cool man. Uhm, and the interesting thing is that now it opens up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bug spray guy, you got that old lady has nice tits, and then you got the chair collector.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't know, but I'm telling you, I feel like you could definitely get yourself out of a sticky situation here by being like, hey, you wanna go buy some chairs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check out this chick. I think it's a chick giving my mom a run for her money. Ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's wild. That is so cool. Someone just sent that in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And is it, uh, is the source material, is it a link? Is it an actual embedded video? How did it arrive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a link. It was a link? And where is this posted? YouTube? Liveleak? Where is it posted? YouTube. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the fart sounds male, but these look female to me. And also, I think what's happening is, there's a baby there, I think this is a new mother, and I think that's her mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that could be. Partners. I thought that's the, this is a young mother that we're looking at, like, whose legs we're looking at, and that's her mother looking at her. Cause that's the way your mom would look at you if you're doing that, you know? You're keeping an eye on the baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start at the beginning here and tell me if you think that's a woman's foot or a man's foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think friend, spouse, somebody like that jumps. I think your parent just goes like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I'm convinced this is a woman farting, and those are real guy fart vibes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Hello? Yeah, I remember. I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's getting to know him. I mean, the dog trusts you this way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you this about gators, I think it's the same with crocs, it's not difficult to hold their mouths closed, but it's impossible to pry a mouth open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can hold it, tape it like relatively easy, but man, if they're chomping down on something, it's over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man, I think it's so stupid to do this stuff. I hate it. I hate it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, oh yeaah, this is another thing for, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For those of you that don't know, so you don't know that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My sister, who is returning for the live show, used to be a staple of this show, like, years ago. Uhm, and then she got certain jobs, she was like, I cannot come on your show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, so she's basically saying she doesn't know how many people she's been with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was your age range when you started hand drops?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She used to like just get us going. She used to get so fired up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she became, it was the most crazy, and all the old school listeners remember that she had insane coffee orders. Like literally the stuff that you see like mocked. Like it's so over the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everyone has a coffee thing, but her order is definitely not like anyone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we have a preference, but I'm saying the level of her preference. It's not comparable. Me saying I would like extra ice and a splash of milk is not at all like this. This is what my sister ordered. She has three beverages that she can order based on season from Starbucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was booked to do, uh, one of the earlier live shows and then she was like, for work. She was like, and then all of a sudden, like a month later, she was like, guess what? I could do the live show now. So I was like, you're on dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she does. She does it all. I mean, vacations with her. She's like laying out activities where you're like, what about the rest part? You're going to rest on this thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, we went on a hike, and then I ran, and then I lifted, and then I had breakfast, and then I played tennis, and then I swam, and then they have, they have kayaks, and I use the kayaks, and then we got back, and I'm going on another hike, and you're like, this is vacation? Alright, like that's her way of chilling out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She still did like the... She's like, I can still run though, I can still run. She did like 8 miles the day she gave birth. And I was like, mmkay. So, anyway, uh, I thought you liked this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I read the back. Read the fucking back, stupid Nadav. Take it easy!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's take a quick break and we'll be back with a guest in a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back with a dear friend, a great comedian you can see on the road, multiple dates coming up, and of course you should be watching his new podcast, Roach Motel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tuesdays at 6am it drops right here on the Your Moms House YouTube channel. You can rate, review, and subscribe to it on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts. Please welcome Josh Potter! Hey, hey, hey!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took 20 the other night and I was hallucinating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I was just up for hours, like, woo woo, just spinning out. When we were together? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But let me ask you this, if you take, uh, 200, what are you like on 200?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And jumping in on him, yeaah. He gave me a corner of one once. Corner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like that. That's going too deep for you. I mean, that's happening at what, like 400 or 500 milligrams?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you would, so you do go too deep though sometimes. Oh yeah, that's the goal. See I, well I know, but I felt like it was impossible maybe with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would just be like beside myself, you know. Do you do mushrooms and shit? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I did the uhm, that last Diaz dosing, you know, I was hallucinating. What would you, what were you hallucinating? What do you mean? Like, what were the hallucinations? I mean, I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so many gummies. No, no, just get like, we can track down. Okay, I mean I will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that it broke, uh, a guy who I, who I know. And who was a, who was a smart, like, high academic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he just, complete personality shift, had to drop out of school and like, just is not, it's like the, it's like when you hear about somebody saying that uhm, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember that when you were a little kid they'd let you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fifth grade, and I've been watching porn for a minute, which is, you know, it's too young for your developing mind, but I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so awesome, right? Jerking off, watching this stuff, and I'm seeing blowjobs and sex. This guy's standing on a bed, woman's on her knees, and she's blowing him, and I'm like, alright, and I remember that the guy was like a real dirtbag, and uh, he just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's getting blown and then he just turns around and just squats on her mouth and starts Jane himself and like holds her head back there. And I was like, he's putting his asshole in her mouth. Like I couldn't register it. Um, what I was seeing and that was the first time. And I was like, that's, that's maybe why I'm so fixated on it. I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you a theory I had about you, uhm, not being able to come?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that Alex Trebek just died? I have a theory that when you were a child, you were masturbating, and the Jeopardy theme song came on, and that's why you can't come. That is a tense song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a couple catag- I would- I mean- You'd have to luck out on catag- for natural- I mean, we're talking like, they would have like, uh, uh, 16th century French furniture. And that's the subject. You're fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you're actually a pretty, like, well informed guy. Like, you know a lot of things. Like, we'll be talking about- I don't like to put that out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, but that's saying that like, yea, you're not informed on everything. What I'm saying is, I've had, you know, countless dinners with you, and, you know, we've toured together, so we're just bringing up everything, and they'll be just like, you know, random books that you've read, subject matters, topics that you're pretty well informed on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Including who let the dogs out. Electric slide. Guys ready to party start, who let the dogs, and then dads, like dads are like, I know this is a rap song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The devil lives in this. That was the big thing they were telling you. Ozzy Osbourne, Black Sabbath, you know. Alice Cooper. And Man Manson. And everything was just like, the Satan is here. Right. In these lyrics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, tell me what you think. Do you think this is a man or a woman based on the feet and the legs? Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a pretty tight asshole, and my sounds are the full range. Right, you can do all of them. I can do all of them. That's your cheeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm talking about when I got back last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, you know. Just throwing that on the fire. It was a travel day and I just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Farted fucking crazy, man. It was really wild. It wasn't a result of what I ate last night. It was like what I'd eaten out of town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. That's the more you know, Jo. My dog, Major.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I could totally see you doing his, uh, his crack smoking video. Have you seen it? I'd love to be, I'd love to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, of his dick, even though you can still see, like it's not a deep blur, it's lightly blurred, and his dick kinda, he's got a nice piece on him, it's kinda like falling out of it sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that means whoever leaked it, blurred it upon leak, because all the sites have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blurred. Yea, you were trying to find the uncensored. Yea, I'd like to see that. But that, that, that, that speaks to the, to the leaker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the big argument that I've heard is that everybody's like crack crack crack crack crack crack crack and then some people jump in and go, it's a meth pipe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's more of a meth move, but everyone was saying that he was into crack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I thought that because that was a thing in like rap music in the 80s. Like they had like people being like, shit smells like fish. And then like, nah, I don't, I don't do that. So then like the whole, like all of us as like young teens would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I guess you don't do that. That's, yeah, that's lame. You don't want to eat a girl out because that's what lame guys do, you know? So we adopt it. Like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, makes sense though, but if- You don't feel it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, one of my, one of my friends had a rehearsal dinner for a wedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was fucking black out drunk and announced that he liked his ladies feet in front of everybody. And he was like, he was like, it makes me so, like, I get, I really want to fuck when I look at your feet and everything. And this was in front of a rehearsal dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get that, it's just not your thing, it's not your kink. Yeah, I never, I never understood it. Your brain, there's theories on it, you know that? That they said that the, uh, in your wiring in your brain, that the genital pathway neurons are like, crossing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, when she's real dumb you get like, turned off? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was so wired that way from a young age. I was like 16 when you should be like, I don't care about anything. I'd be like, this bitch is fucking stupid. I couldn't do it. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just, I would, I remember being aggravated like, like an old person, like rolling my eyes talking to somebody when I was that young, just like irritated by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, I mean, you were smart, you had nice feet, it was like, you know, all together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'll, I'll meet you there. I'll meet you there. No, no, I'm saying when you say about like, I don't get it. See, I don't get, I get feet, I don't get armpits of someone being like, I love licking armpits. But some people do. They love licking armpits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is an article. Why are we grossed out by women with armpit hair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hot. I like, I like a thick mustache on a woman. Uh, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I would do? If, like, if somebody, if a girl has long leg hair, I immediately treat her like a refugee. I'll be like, you know, do you need help? Do you need food, water, somewhere to stay? That's the thing about the arm. I know resources.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't mind that. You've been with, uh, different women and all types. Have you ever had the big bush, like where the girls got like that? Yes. Really? And how did that affect you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking about getting you a gift and normally I would surprise, but I wanted to get your take on it first. See if you want it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right away, you know, and you're like, and then you go, there's no positivity. It's all negative. Like the opposite of the Joel Osten cube, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like, you're a fuckhead, you fucked up, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, I hate those things too. Everybody's too addicted to their phone, so you can actually put the app on your phone as soon as you touch your phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a good point, actually. This is completely to jump the app experience. You know, let's build an app and they're like, your fans are not gonna... Just, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can ask your cube questions. Cube, what do I do about my new Mexican neighbors?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, me neither. Yea. Gives you help, you know? It's a helpful cube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like if you don't give, then you can't get. You gotta give.


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[Assistant] What if you, what if you had, like somebody who listened to our show, accidentally programmed one to fuck with people?


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[Assistant] This is my happy place. I put it there and every time I see it, it's a reminder y'all that God has given me so much and I just need to stop and be thankful for it.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Roman. It can be awkward or even embarrassing.


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[Assistant] Of living a normal, healthy, happy life is having sex and you need your peace to get ready with you.


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[Assistant] Healthcare professionals will work with you, uh, to find the best treatment plan. If medication is appropriate, Roman will ship


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[Assistant] We'll ship you real medicine with free two day shipping. The whole process is straight forward, discreet and simple. Just go to getroman.com slash mom to get $15 off your first order.


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[Assistant] Alright, this is very exciting support for your mom's house. It's brought to you by Manscaped, who's the best in men's below-the-waist grooming. And here's the great news. Manscaped is taking over the world. It's now available in all of Europe, Canada, UK, and Australia. That means our friends all over the world can now have nice trim, balls, and dongs.


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[Assistant] The world is about to get a lot less hairy. You can purchase Manscaped products if you haven't had access thus far. You've gone years without using the right tools for the job, man. Talking about


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[Assistant] You know how you've, I don't know, you're probably using, uh, uh, rocks that you, you shape in your yard that your uncle helped that fight people in the medieval times. We are way more advanced and Manscaped can get you something where you won't bleed and lose a testicle just because you want to trim up.


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[Assistant] Try the Lawn Mower 3.0, the electric trimmer you've been missing out on. Third generation trimmer features cutting edge ceramic blades. Reduce the, uh, possibility of giving you a bad accident. Try the weed whacker. You know, trim those nose hairs up. It's all there, man.


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[Assistant] Get 20% off and free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. Your balls will thank you. Here we go. Watch this.


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[Assistant] And they tend to like, remember those things.


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[Assistant] I bet you would jump off the overpass onto the 101 and live.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, Rite Aids are so dicey in LA now.


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[Assistant] All the CBS riot aides always have like a hang.


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[Assistant] Dude, one time, like, uh, there was a crazy old lady outside of CBS, and she was like, I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, and I reached in my pocket, and I just gave her 20 bucks, and she was like, uuuh, and she tried to hug me, and I was like, get the fuck out of here, don't put your hands on me. She was like, so emotional about it.


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[Assistant] So he's like, I pretend to go, and it satisfies.


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[Assistant] Now you both, I think, both covered, uhm, we lost a great, a great man, uhm, a week or so ago, Sean Connery, and you both discussed on your respective shows the famous interview with Barbara Walters. Yes, we talked about this. We played it on your mom's house, like, eight years ago. Uh, cause it's so old, but...


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[Assistant] It's kind of cool to remind people.


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[Assistant] I think he's making a great point, and I think that some people don't know when to like, you know, button it up, and sometimes you give them a little reminder.


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[Assistant] I mean, you set reminders on your phone, right? You got alarms. This is just a real life alarm, and it's an open hand.


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[Assistant] It's not the worst thing to slap a woman now and then.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's pretty cool. Everybody did, uh, by the way, honor him, and oh my god, what an amazing man, in the era of shunning people.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you what I think is really going on in this clip though? Yeah. That's why, that's why I told Christina. I think it's,


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[Assistant] Cause this is very relatable when somebody, uh, they were just la- they're coming out of a laugh, like a good moment.


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[Assistant] And then she pivots, it's like kind of like a, what journalists, interviewers are, you know, love to do. Put you on the spot about one of your fuck, one of your fuck ups. And everybody's been in that position where like someone calls you out and you're like, yeah, you know, like you, she wants him to, she wants to shame them. And so he's very aware of that. And in the moment.


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[Assistant] It's a very, it's a very in the moment decision. You remember me saying that? And he was like, yeah, and you know what? Cause he knows what she's doing. He's like, and you know, I still believe that. And it's like, he might not really believe, probably doesn't, but he probably hasn't slapped the


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[Assistant] And then Mike goes, you're a piece of shit. And he goes, hey, we're on morning TV. He's like, fuck you. What are you gonna do about it?


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[Assistant] He's like, that'll teach you to be rude in an interview, right there. I just gave you my time. Damn. And you're being rude. I quite like to do that.


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[Assistant] No, I think it's more like you said, it's just old, like the guy from 1930, that means he was 15 in 1945 when World War II was ending. And his dad was probably like, if you take a dame out and she really yaps back at you, just give her a pop in the mouth. Yeah, that was like values back then. His mom probably said that.


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[Assistant] I feel like if I was on the market today and I ran into one of those, I'd probably fuck up.


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[Assistant] You know, somebody was like, slap me, I would be like, Oh, I've been working on punches for a while now. You know?


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[Assistant] I go full slap, she's out, I come and I'm like, what do I do now? Like there's evidence.


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[Assistant] Here's a thousand milligram powder right here. Uh, let's see.


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[Assistant] This is a fucking guy on a, I don't know, 70 foot tree and he just chopped off the top of it and then the tree is just swinging wildly because of the loss of the weight, you know?


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[Assistant] Yeah, the head key chopped off. Jesus Christ. They do this around.


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[Assistant] Alright, before uhm, we get to your uhm, these talks real quick.


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[Assistant] Tell people though, about the Roche Motel. Just real quick. Oh, about the show itself? Yeah, just the show itself.


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[Assistant] Before I get to talk, did you see this?


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[Assistant] Write the comments. The comments. So much so that you would think Garth would acknowledge us at some point, but you know. That one is crazy.


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[Assistant] So I'll do a fun video. What's the, what's the king challenge? The king challenge? Why don't you break it down?


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[Assistant] This is the most recent talk right here. Oh, over here? Sorry, yeaah.


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[Assistant] I think you're just, what you're doing is you're putting out this positive energy to all these women out there who are like, I don't feel so good about myself. And you're telling them that they're beautiful and they can have fun.


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[Assistant] By doing the King Challenge and getting a white t-shirt, not wearing a bra, maybe wetting themselves down, making a fun video, yeaah. And I think it's really cool that you're doing it and I hope you don't let


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[Assistant] What if you did, like, you're like, I, white t-shirt, and you said to him, and he just wrote back like, seen better.


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[Assistant] Jesus Christ. I thought we were about to see someone's heads get bashed in. Which one? I thought the guy, cause the guy walking up there that was just told to sit down, I thought he was coming over to straighten this dude out.


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[Assistant] The fact that you have to like, give her, you know, credibility on anything after you see her doing that, like if that's your girl and she's like, you know what I think we should do, you know, with the city ordinance, like you shut the fuck up about everything.


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[Assistant] I'm married. She's like, I don't care, you're hot. I'd be like, I don't have a lot of time, hurry up, run over here and suck my dick.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm like you. I'm not as comfortable as he is.


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[Assistant] That's the most practical reason. That's super practical. What am I supposed to do? Not come? Yeah.


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[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, where's the like big crime there? If it's like the guy sleeping like yellow feather?


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[Assistant] On that note, guys, thanks a lot for, uh, watching and listening. Don't forget to check out Roach Motel Tuesdays at 6am here on the Your Moms House YouTube.


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[Assistant] Dot com, uh, do not forget to get tickets ahead of time if you don't want to deal with the mass influx on the day. Uh, our closing song.


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[Assistant] Let's do it. Get your tickets, Josh Potter. And a closing song is YMH tune by Beats by Manolo.


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[Assistant] A lot of people saying these days that I say one incorrectly, like they say I should be saying one. I think it's one. They say one.


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[Assistant] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. A to the republic for which it stands. Yea, we used to do the whole thing. I like that. It's school.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, you know, because we didn't want to, so they needed to find a way to make it fun, so we would do it, you know.


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[Assistant] You can see it, it's kind of hard to hear, but it's on my Instagram. Let's go get it.


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[Assistant] So basically I was riding my motorcycle in sandals and so I stopped.


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[Assistant] Because why the fuck not? So, I, so, yeaah, cause whatever, I know I'm not gonna crash, it's not a big deal. So, I, I went to, I parked in a Target, and, uh, uh, they stopped me in the parking spot, and the dude comes out, he's like,


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[Assistant] It's a little weird that you're wearing sandals on a bike. That's a little unsafe. And I was just like, yeah man, I mean I ride all the time, it's not a big deal. And he's like, yeah, it's just a little odd, you know, that your helmet doesn't match your bike either, huh? That's weird. You think I could see some ID? And then it just, it went down from there. Cause I was like, no, you can't. Why?