[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how many fucking people told me and then I was there and I just saw it left and right non-stop. I'm at F1 and one of the title sponsors of it is Lenovo and it was literally


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unreal. Shout out to Philip Lee. He hooked me up with Red Bull. And we got to do... Oh my god. I'm just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did feel like a make a wish thing. Like I took my foreign cousin and everyone was, he was telling everyone what we were doing and they were like, are you dying? He goes, I think so. I think I am dying. I think I died tomorrow because we got to like rally drive. We got to drive off road at rally ready and Broncos and shit. And then we got to, uh, we, they flew us there on the Red Bull chopper and then we got to go to coda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And watch practice, uh, we got to walk in the paddock, I got to walk on the grid, I got to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, it was just like one thing after another and the whole thing was so, it's so impressive how they pull it off. Like it is insane there on a race weekend. It's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, sometimes the circuit is in the city. In Australia it's in the city, in Monaco it's in the city. Yeaah, it's really impressive. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they can spend the car, 12 to 15 million. They're permitted to spend 135 million on materials and activities related to the car. So the nine figure thing is like everything related to it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they spent so much money. Their team will sometimes be like a thousand people, you know? Because you don't even see the whole team there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then there's like tire strategy. You know, cause you, you pick your tire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're going to switch them out. So you pick out like, are you going to do medium, hard tire, like, you know, and you pick out how you want to do it depending on the track and the weather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's just like the smartest engineers are seeing information sent back in real time to engineers who are going to tweak this, turn like, you know, so they're making these little modifications, the most minuscule things based on information that's coming back to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In real time, like it's, it's really unbelievable when you think about how involved a team is for F1.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot. It's really impressive. Really impressive, like watching it in person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll hit like, I know at coda on that back straight after, uh, what is it? Turn 10, I think. Um, or 11. Yeah. Turn 11. They over 200, they'll hit 210, 200. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 330 or something more, yeaah. Yeah, I don't think they'll hit 220 on that back straight, but they'll, uhm, they fucking, yeaah, look, 354. They're, they're fucking flying. And then they're, when they break is insane. Like if you're in a regular high performance car on the, on the, on Coda,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, your first time you'll break at 250, what is it, feet before, and then you kind of start going a little bit. That's a lot. Right? The F1 guys will break at 75.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause their brakes are so, so they'll hit 210, 15 miles an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so much shorter because of- and they're fucking like laying down in those things. It's just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're necks. Some of those dudes have necks that are like out to here. Cause of the G-forces, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's crazy. I mean, some of the crashes are also just comp- you can't believe that someone didn't die in it, but that's how advanced-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, you can't, you're giving up too much time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lighter you are, the better. Yeaah. Because these guys are, like a second is a lifetime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you just informed me that at the time of this recording, you're in town and you're doing 12 sold out shows. What? At Cav City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, this year's the whirlwind. Bro, that's in- congratulations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, so you're like, like Matt in the sense that like, you have to credit just embracing TikTok, right? And putting it on there and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people are really good at the complaint, like how to complain. But he knows how to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Make this right. Yeah. Yeah. Give me some miles, man. Please. Hook it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well dude, congrats on all that. That's an amazing thing. It's so fun. I'm like you in that, like, I love watching other comedians, like, hit it. It's just so fun, you know, for like, in the circle that we're in. You always celebrate other comedians, so I'm very happy for you, man. That's awesome. Thank you very much. That's really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds like it. Keeping your sanity is a good thing to do, right? So you just keep your friends who were your friends before it popped. Yea, no new friends. That part. I was literally about to say no new friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, and this that anyone can do is just stay focused on what got you there. You know, if you, if you stay focused on your work, on your standup, then nobody can take anything. Like there's going to be people that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, aren't ready for what you're doing, aren't ready for your success, you know, cause it's, it's threatening to some people. Like even people that are your friends will be like, cause you can't relate to it. Like a friend can relate to like you going, I sold out a show. They're like, ah, that's cool. I'm happy for you, man. You know, but like sometimes you, you'll, some people in your circle, like 12 shows. It's like, it's like, can't really fathom it. Like you're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, the only thing you can do is just be like, well, this is my reality now. And I just focus on, stay focused on your work, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Yeah, I had a really successful guy tell me one time about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They fucking go, hey, uh, can you, uh, can you give me some tickets? And you're like, yeah, sure. And they're like, and also can, um, I want to take so and so, um, I want to take doctor so and so I want to take so and so that owns this fucking like real estate company. I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you're just asking me to hand you cash. Literally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gotta be a very weird level to be on though. When people know you have like, you have like endless resources and everyone's like, how much money does-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen this by the way? I wanted to show you this. This is a clip from, I guess it aired on the news, but it really makes me laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just had people leave, like, you just have to leave a roar at this number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so he uhm, he's got like a presence online. I'll just give you like an idea of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who he is and we'll get into it, but it's just, it's been fascinating to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the craziest thing is like his, uh, his views with black people because he talks as if you're black. He's not. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. It was amazing. He says the wildest shit where I'm like, so my friend did the show and he thought it was a bit. He was like, is this- It's not? It's not a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm assuming, I mean, the straight ones can get married and have kids. What are you calling it, a what? Episcopalian. It's just a denomination, you know, of Christianity, but that's the only thing that I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, no, I only know about it because uhm, the Episcopalian pastor that ****ed me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's been, uhm, it's an endless stream of it too, yeaah. Like it's an endless stream of these things. Like there's clips where you're like, that's why you think it's a bit, you think it's a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is why we show it to you. Yeaah. But that's not like, if you watch any of his stuff, there is no reveal. There is no like... The credits just roll? Yea dude, it's, it's, it's just, it's really, he does like interviews, there is no...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing. This show is just an endless stream of uncomfortable videos. That's what we just try to find, you know, just like the worst stuff we can find. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They always ha- it always happens like that. Every time we see a bull charge somebody, it ends up- he ends up pantless. I think those horns are actually specifically designed to remove pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean, before? No, we played this clip earlier, cause this guy's always encouraging women to take their, he's like, let your bra out, take your bra out, let him hang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She talks about reduction, she talks about reduction all the time. You have like a reduction fantasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it! You can do it. What are you doing? Uh, testosterone. Stick it in my ass three times a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that that honey? That, that? Yeah, it's like, it's just a little shot. So you eat whatever you want? No, no. Okay. You know, I just figured out like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The easiest way for me to do it now is just to go try to hit a protein goal every day. Because you need that protein.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I just go for grams. So I go for 200 grams. I try to get 200 grams a day. We're talking about food still. We're talking about food. Yeah. 200 grams of protein. So I'm saying there's protein focused things, right? So like I start off every day. I try to have a yogurt and some eggs every morning. Okay. So I start building that number. Right. And so I'm like, Oh, I have good protein in me right now. Then I brought a shake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we have a, like a, a system here, like we, we always have lunch after this show. Like immediately. Pretty much. Do you know what it is or is it a surprise? Yea, we pre-order, yea. Usually it's chicken or salmon, but like today I ordered, I think chicken tacos, so. Really? Yea, but I mean like I try to get that food in me and then when we get home,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I usually try to work out before the show, but today I'll work out when I get home. When do you wake up? If I'm gonna be here at...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ten. I'll, I'll set the alarm to wake up at like seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Workout, you know, just like have eat before, but yeah, but then you just get-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you doing a strenuous workout? Depends, like, so not every day, but like some days you go for the, like the spike heart rate, you know, like mostly like high intensity. What about when you're traveling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I work out on the road every day. Just at the hotel? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those gyms suck. Sometimes they do suck, yeaah. Sometimes they do suck. And we try to- It's just like a jump rope. But you know what the thing to do is? Like, and now that you're-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Traveling you have access to things is that a lot of times you can tell you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I know we're staying at this hotel. Will you find out where a local, like a regular gym is? Call ahead and get passes for the days. And then you go to like a really good gym. I mean I got that membership where I can go anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can literally make it a team effort. And that's when it's really been, like, that's when it, when you go like, I wanna do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been encouraging people, cause I got, uh, uh, uh, on it too with, was the zens, you know, the zen pouches? Oh yeah, yeah. Those are the shit. The little dips? Yeah, but there's no tobacco. There isn't? It's just straight nicotine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're getting the addictive chemical but you're not getting the cancer causing chemicals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alan Carr's easy way to stop smoking. And they, and they go, and he, I guess I've never read it, but I've talked to people and they apparently like in the beginning of the book, he encourages you to smoke while reading the book. He's like, go ahead and get sick. And everybody who I've talked to that read this book is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I've only seen, I didn't know about this. It's, it's uh, of course, it's funny to me that every time like you talk to like your reps about like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they're like, they're putting all kinds, cause the world is so competitive now for content. You can just get it, it's just everywhere, right? Like Roku has stuff that like used to be on fucking Hulu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The uhm, this, okay, I've only seen this, this is the only 2-week clip I've seen, but you know what, we'll just watch the clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and also this has real acting class vibes, like I've taken acting class, and you have to give this copy to every acting class, because like, forcing you to take a ridiculous, like, you know what I mean? Yeah, and like play it really sincerely. What's it called? No disrespect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know the letters and the colors. Seat buckle, is that your name? Click click. Click click. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost like the spirit has called me to call you in here and join


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Open arms without arms. I know you're armed, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are, it's just amazing what you fellas can do. I have a meniscus tear and so I'm not able to, uh, is it Seawalk? But what I can do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're getting him to commit crimes and he's getting you to repent. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's rad. It's Ebony and Ivory. It's got every, checks every box. Bill and Ted. Let's do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, everybody would turn that show down except for Tubi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that right? It's insane. Yeah, I actually feel like it's super impressive, but you're like, you live there alone, dude? Like, this is fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know. Well, I mean, how many people live in- that's what I'm saying, like, even when you go, like, I'm with someone, that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pull up Tyler Perry's house. Like, I don't know. I don't want all that house. That's a lot of house, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. That's, that's a lot of maintenance, right? It's a lot of fucking maintenance, dude. That's a crazy house. That is wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is crazy when you hear about some of these houses in the south that are insane because of- We built this city. Because of like how much land, houses like that go for like way less than you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're way more sensitive to that. Yeah. All of that. I remember like years ago being in Vancouver and saying like Indian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, talking about it, and the gasp. I was doing a club, the gasp, like, from the audience, and I was like, what, and they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was, uhm, it was the, uh, god, what was the club called? It was in the basement of a hotel right there on Burrard Street, but I forget the name of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy, man. You're, I mean, you're also probably one of, I'm trying to think of, I mean, there's Rogan owns the mothership here. I don't think there's any other comedian that owns it. Oh, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. But I mean, there's like, still, it's a small...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, nothing quite like starting out and doing black clubs. Like those rooms will definitely stay with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So helpful. It's also a hilarious tag. It is, yeaah. It is funny. It's mixed crowds though are the most fun. So fun. When you have a really, a truly mixed room. It's the most fun, I think, to perform to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I like having an actual diverse audience. I also think that it's funny that like, sometimes people go, why aren't there more of whatever? And you're like, yeah, I don't pick who comes in the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so fun. And he also was of the age group where you knew, you knew he wasn't even gonna get within six syllables of how your name is pronounced. Nah, but it was fun. He brought me on as like Tim Saginaw or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was a fun one. That's one of the first places I ever did shows that I like, I was also, I was the promoter. You know what I mean? It was, my name couldn't sell tickets. Did you promote? So I would hustle. Yeah, I did, I did shows, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hustling for it. It was not like, hey, I'm doing a show, tickets are on sale. It was like calling people, texting people, putting up, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a lesson for people who think they're hustling hard for their show. You know? They're like, I posted a thing on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for coming. Just for people to know, it's Mr. Nate Jackson on TikTok. It's natejacksoncomedy.com for tickets. He's performing in Chicago on New Year's Eve, about to go on an international tour, blowing up everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You a priest, can you curse? I just did. That's amazing! You gay and you curse? God's not pleased.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Text me at 1-6 or call me. My name's John. Call me at 1-5. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put that microphone, put it right in front of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, just walk up and slide your junk right in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unfortunately, no. Plastic isn't actually recyclable. 95% of it gets sent to landfills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, can I stick my big can in there? Is it too big?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mouth hole takes tall boys of all sizes! How much I gotta pay? Just go to liquiddeath.com and make a one time payment and then you can use it again and again as many times as you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My glory hole is perfect for all sorts of occasions. Hole parties! Office parties! Retirement parties! Divorce!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No funny shit, bro. I don't care about nothing, bro. Them girls with them overly big butts, they stink. I don't care about nothing. I know for a fact, when you open that shit,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like bruh, I know, the backshot wind? Not a good smell, bro. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's Hippie Hollow. Hippie Hollow's a nude beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep me in JP and I'll shoot you a pair. Alright, take care of yourself baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The L in salmon is silent. Also, forget that O. Think of it maybe as an I. Sam-in. Salmon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spelled like this, but it sounds just like this word, locks. Salmon. Locks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go. We do is put four teeth in Campbell County, Tennessee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold the skin taut with your free hand, and with one quick movement, pull the strip off with the other hand. One, two, three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did the couple buy a loaf of bread on their wedding day? They wanted to grow mold together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying, this house you live in, the mortgage that's being paid, food on the table, who pays for it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of course, I'm going to do something that's dangerous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, before you attempt doing this, make sure that your wards are solid, your relationship with the spirits is good, and that you are protected. And ensure that you do not have doubts in your abilities. This is going to be an operation to spiritually wound and drain the energy from someone from a long,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grasp them and pull them through to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now whether you use visualization with tendrils being a tentacles that stab into someone and then drain the energy from them, or you could be like me and visualize yourself taking a bite directly into them somewhere where there is important arteries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck no. Why, and tell me why. Uh, I mean, I bet it doesn't look good in certain situations too, you know, like a glare or something would make it look weird as fuck. Yea. It's just, nah man, nah. Also all that just for that, like there's no other option you could have. Right. Just the stubble. Yea, there's a lot of pain. You can't shave it now. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This week, on your mom's house, I think the real lesson is what made you laugh at 10 is what makes you laugh the rest of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Sattva. Go to Sattva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit and get two hundred dollars off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to another episode of your Moms House Podcast. I'm T-Buns. She's Christine. Yep. And we've got a jam-packed show for you today. Real excited to get into it. Hey!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the truth, the truth is, the smart money is on Ryan because he's a more experienced basketball player. But Henny is just kind of a, you know, he's a, he's a fucking roll of the dice on this stuff, you know? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, not always on the court, but it's good for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah? That's not hilarious to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I mean, that's a world class rare athlete. He's amazing, and he's huge. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, most real special forces guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or even like how you see in movies. Most of them are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 5'8", 5'9", 160 pounds. Really? Yeah, that's what the most real...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Green braids, rangers, they're super lean. They're usually not very tall. It's rare to have a, like a 6'1", 6'2", special forces guy. They're usually shorter than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am obsessed with special forces. Because they can, the thing about them is they can just go, like whether it's running and swimming. So people who have that type of endurance are usually very lean, you know, and they're not huge built.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there's another one today. Go ahead. There's a new, there's a new, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got a full ride to Cheetah Leopard University.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He's like, what's up dog? He said it like that too. What's up dog?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, you know, TotDog was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he was an old school American. He liked on the nose. He didn't like nuanced, subtle stuff. I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shit really wasn't. It was just like, it had to be pretty straight. Hard, hard, hard joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that shit to him was like that, that kid, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also think that goes back to probably the same thing we just said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then someone tells one of those jokes and you laugh hysterically, fast forward 50 years, still thinks it's the funniest thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, they laughed at all of them. They laughed. Every time I walk in, they're sitting there, I hear a laugh and I walk in and it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, whatever, my wife and kids kind of show where you're like, you know what I mean? Like how I met your mother and shit. They're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slapping their legs. And I'm like, yeah, two and a half men, all that shit where I'm like, I get a few, it's entertainment. Like we should all, you know, let people be entertained. But they were, they'd laugh along with the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then they go, oh, is this not funny enough for you? I'm like, no, enjoy, enjoy. Uhm, I mean, that shit, I was like, that's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He made a choice when he took the job. So the decision he made was I want to appeal to the broadest audience. So like he could have done edgier stuff, but he, he really did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Consciously make the choice. And then the result was, his show was number one. So it is a decision really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And doing an edgier act by the way than people know him as. That's the difference. That's what I'm saying why he could have. He did an edgier show in clubs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'd be out there with my super clean act. I know. You know everything about raisins are actually just dried up grapes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, I do channel it in a, in a healthy way, which is by saying the things that I feel like I shouldn't say, you know? But if I repress that, you know, there's a bunch of felonies. I think, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I fuckin' sacrifice so you can fuckin' enjoy your life here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So you can tell your jokes. Alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was on a fuckin' oil tanker. There's Bulgarians on the ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who knows what else, and who fucking saved the day? ME!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a little traumatized. Please. You're fucking traumatized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a fucking specialist. I'm a marksman. Yeah. I got frag grenades. I got it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been training. What do you think we do half the day? Think we just go out on missions? We're training all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, honestly, can I tell you the truth? It's classified.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get what you're, I get what you're saying, cause if you, no, no, if you had like no job and somebody got you one of these, you can just escape and not try life. I get that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, no, no, no, no, seriously. It has a horrible battery life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it's kind of abysmal. So, as soon as the battery starts to go, I go, that's a good sign to just take it off, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they don't have like, it doesn't have, hopefully the next iteration will have a great battery life. But uhm, it is a nice decompressor, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea? What about other stuff like the space, like that shit, the documentary where you're like in space is wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know which one I'm talking about, right? It's like, it's the real footage that they shot up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you right now, just to be real clear, get your fucking own, cause you're not... Yeah, I'm pretty sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it gives you anxiety that you're gonna fuck something up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This game, the particular game, there's a, there's a lot of like, you know, like, uh, what do you, like, motor skill stuff you have to do. For instance, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Release the, the, the, whatever it's called on the gun. Like you do all that. So you get, you're panicked about doing that fast enough and then you lose and you're like, fuck, I want to do it. So you want to get better at like anything. You go, if you like it, you go, I want to do it again. So I get better at the skillset, you know, just like playing golf and you just go like, fuck. Then you hit it clean and you're like, oh, that felt good. I want to do it again. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, that's, that's, it's like, no, you separate the fan, it's a fan, you realize you're in a fantasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fine, we're gonna go to military, it's fine. Uh, here, this made me laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some, uh, there's some designers that do 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, like that, you know? Yea, they should. Like, within their clothing line. Right. Single digit sizes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Ted Baker and James Purce, I think they do just straight numbers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are all made for the majority of the population.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she thinks that 350 being the ceiling for some of these excursions is too low? What the fuck do you want them to be? That's a lot. There should be no limit. I mean, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. That's a lot. And that's not even good for you. I have been uncomfortable. Just like she, like I've been in places where I'm like, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, I don't feel, I don't feel comfortable in this chair. I'm too fat. Right? And then what you do is, you just sit in your sadness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm gonna eat right now because of how sad I feel. Or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go, I don't like feeling like this. Right? And also there's no, there's no like, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the thing is, I'm really, I'm good at this life. No, you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know you're not. There is no debate. If you talk to any doctor, any wellness person, anybody in medicine, and also any objective pair of eyeballs, it goes like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're running into like chairs that are too small, chairs that might break, toilets that are gonna rip off the wall, excursions that you're not welcome on. It's because you're way too fucking big. You're way too big. Stop acting like you're not too big. You're too big. Too big. And you're not too big like Dwight Howard. You eat too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop. And here's the thing, the fact that somebody will waste the energy, this is what this type of person will do, they'll waste the energy on spinning how it, it is where they want, like they are happy with their


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's not, and it's like, no it's not. You're not, you're not good with it. And it's not as simple as...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Calorie surplus and calorie deficit and how much you're, you're exercising. There's a deeper issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. And that's what you need to explore. And nobody needs to make toilets that can handle 700 pounds. Like, that's unreasonable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can only, I mean, I would rather ride a bike across the country than ask for a seatbelt extender.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I wouldn't try a canoe, but I would, yea, you could get on a ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flight attendants, when they look at you, they know, they know, they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they'll put, they'll kind of under, I've seen them give it to the person under like. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a way to make yourself smaller. Put the fucking fork down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what's crazy is that people think saying to someone who's 400 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just, this is, pretending that this is normal is what's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean look, I do think she makes one good point. I do think she makes a good point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's, it's crazy. This is absolute bananas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, can you believe this excursion has a 350 pound limit? A lot of the excursions were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, what's not a bad idea is it's all going to be cost prohibitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything that she wants done for her can be accommodated for, but you have to pay for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, concrete lounge chair, you could pay for like, you could pay for all these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I don't want to be seen as part of the problem. You are. This is, this is the illusion is that not enough people have told you, you are the problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's take a quick break. Sure. We'll be right back. Uh, please welcome to the show our new guest who, their new special, There's No Money in Babies is available now on YouTube. It's Chris Porter, everybody. Alright, Chris Porter. Hello.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great club, great audience. They're all good. Ruffalo's good. St. Louis. And now they got one in Indy. They got one in Indy. And then, it's the same people, they opened the one here. That's them. That's you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like we all kinda do the same thing with that. Cause I feel like pretty much every December for me, and some summer month is off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have a July destination? Like do you like to go somewhere specifically?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a real, but that, that barbecue was very impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the battery life, that's what keeps you from doing it. They, it's like, they have like a two hour battery life. Oh, okay. So you're just like, oh, I gotta hang it up, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it might be a problem for a developing mind, like 12, 13.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well remember when, don't you remember when James Bond came out? Remember? Like everybody had that? Yes. And like we thought that was like, oh my god, there's nothing that will ever, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This game like broke the fucking, the matrix, right? Like this was like, everybody had this game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, asleep, okay. Yeah. So like, Sean distracts himself, uhm, because he doesn't like to fly. So, one of the guys I travel with, and as we, as we're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taxiing, you see him a zzz and he's doing it to not think about flying. He doesn't like to fly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, dude. I care about my fellow man, of course I'm not just gonna leave him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talked to a veteran who was uhm, he was a sniper and we were having this conversation and I was like, oh I bet you're a good shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? And he goes, I haven't killed somebody in years. And I go, I meant like at a target range, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I was mortified. And by the way, shame is a good thing. We were just talking about this. I was deeply ashamed. Shame is 100% a good thing. Shame is a good thing. So I heard it and I was like, I'm mortified. What can I do? Of course I could have lived a healthier lifestyle and probably snored less, but at the time I was like, what's the solution for now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for now it was, they were selling these things, like they would run commercials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put that in and it keeps your lower jaw up and then it opens the pathway. So I got it and immediately reduced my snoring by like 80%. Right? She was like, ah, I can fucking live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I went to the dentist and got like a custom made one. And I wore that thing for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 12 years? Maybe more? More. And so, anyway, fast forward all these years, and like, I'm going to bed and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there's sleep tape. I learned about this, like, even in the last year. It's called sleep tape. People, they tape their mouth, but it's made for sleep. Did you hear about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sleep with my mouth taped up. It just promotes, uh, just nasal breathing only. And then there's this, uh, there's this tape that I, that I bought for this. And then I, I, I tell her, I'm like, yeah, you gotta sleep with your mouth taped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she goes, did you hear me snore last night? And I go, no. And she goes, yeah, cause I put duct tape on my mouth and I was like, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She puts actual duct tape on her mouth. She goes, it fucking hurts when you take it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's much better. There's two times I cannot stop snoring. One is if like, if I haven't slept, so now I'm going to bed like beyond, you know what I mean? Like if you stay up, then like, there's nothing I can do. I'm gonna snore. And if I have like, two drinks. Oh yea, if I drink, forget it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew a guy who told me he slept like a big dude. And he was like, yeah, I sleep with a, um, there's this big rope that hangs from the ceiling to pull myself up. Wild. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I worked out more on the road. But what was, when you said I was getting, like, fat for you, because you never had, like, a real, like, were you just, like, starting to get soft? I was starting to get soft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kinda like a, isn't there a part of that that you feel fear in sometimes? Cause you never know how, what kind of crazy sports fans are around, you know? Where you're like, mmmm. Cause there's even stadiums now where they're like, don't wear, don't wear the opposing stuff to this stadium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are we fighting? I don't, I mean I love football, love football, but live, even though it's like it's, you know, it's fun to see it live, the experience isn't as fun live. That's why I think like they do it best in like basketball, like NBA games, they are really, you know, you don't really have to really worry about someone being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like at football stadiums, I have like wild shit. And then like, there's guys yelling at you for like who you're cheering for, and you're like, what the fuck are we doing here, man? Like, we're trying to watch the game. Or my kids are also here. Oh god, yeaah. I would never drag them to that. Cause it fills me with too much anxiety.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You're like, Oh, I didn't even see that guy. You don't understand why a penalty was called. You don't understand why they didn't give them the spot. And then on television, you're like, Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started dating you in like 05 and I've never been to one of these with her. Never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, this kind of, this is a good, this is a good topic because you saying this also reminds me of like when someone's like, do you want me to sit next to you on a plane? You know what I mean? Like when someone's like, uh, oh, we're not sitting together. I'm like, yeah, I don't care. We're flying. Boys and girls, that's couples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so it's like, like, what have I gone to lately? I went to a race. Like, if you accompanied me to the race, it's cool, but you not being there, it's fine. Like, I'm just watching the race. Like, there's not just some broad chirping in my ear. Hey, what's this? You know, like, I don't have to explain what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's most dudes. Most dudes are like, like I'm gonna either read this thing or watch this, like who gives a shit who's sitting next to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy that he would turn yours off. That's an overstep. That's a huge overstep. I've had the other one where I don't want air on me, and the lady sitting next to me pointed the air at me. Instead of turning it off, she didn't want hers on, so instead of turning hers off, she just moved it to me. So now I feel like a shot of air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The window thing is, I think it's like there's two types of people in the world. Shut it. You know, the people who are like, the day has started and I would like light to beam in, and you're like, it's fucking 5.30 in the morning right now, man. We all got up at three to make this flight. We are above the clouds. There's snow breaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This just happened, uh, we went to Hawaii for New Years with the whole family and like, I mean, lots of people, moms, sister, everybody. And on that flight back, there was a couple and that guy goes, uh, he goes up to,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Agent Jeans, who's with us. And he's like, do you mind?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and then the guy realized, the guy realized it wasn't a guy flying alone. And then he actually was like, oh, he's like, oh you got, like we're all flying together. And he was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They took it like an adult, you know, sat down, enjoyed the flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Funny thing is, remember that guy, he was like 48 and she was like 22.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well we just got an email basically that came in from our agent that was like, this is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you've been invited to the White House, uhm, by somebody in the administration. We don't know who.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they want you guys to come and I was like, that doesn't sound right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was like, yeah, so you guys are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, invited formally to attend the Easter egg hunt. Is this Biden or Trump? Biden. Okay. Biden administration.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do we know what blind people are into?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? You're in the oculus again, aren't you? Come on!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you thought I was joking with you. I've never in all the time, I'm not exaggerating, I've never smelled any BO on you. Thank god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go, Christine, you got number one correct. That is a sea lion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a seal. And you got number five correct. Seal eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this, this let us down the blind hole, you know, the blind rabbit hole of like why we, because we were like, how do blind people know what they're into? And then of course it, you know, the guy explained it very well in the last one. He was like, of course you just, your other senses are developed and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smell and touch and personality. But then we, you know, this guy's what prompted it all. Old shit eyes, they call them. Uhm, because, uh, he's a blind man that just wants to hear guys take dumps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he wants it solid, no, no. Well, it can be diarrhea, he just doesn't like, somebody told, I guess somebody wanted to entertain him so they took a laxative and they ended up throwing up and he was like, I didn't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the one thing about, we've watched a number of his videos and we're never gonna stop, but he, uhm, he never, he never actually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to it and when it was under construction and I was like, holy shit, that's pretty crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has, it was like something crazy, square footage wise, and he's like, there's two bedrooms here. Yeah, that's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you give him the oculus, you don't see him again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I changed mine to all the available pronouns. Yeaah. Like that's, you're just all of them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She made that one video. I remember her. She was like, yea, people ask me about my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this lane of like, paint me in fully black is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that full like, full ink, like where there's just like, black ink, for a whole region of my body. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also don't get like what, cause usually like tattoos are a design or a phrase or something and you're like, yea this is like an expression but if you just go like, I just put black ink on a, like what are you expressing there? What is, I mean I guess you could say that's an expression itself. That's her leg right there, yea yea look at her left leg. On that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's definitely cool as fuck. She's always been cool. Oh, you can see- oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right there. Yea, that one you're holding. You know where she's holding up the shoes? You can see her arms clearly there. Oh yea. The upper sleeve on the left arm is totally inked out. I think she's gonna hold up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you would not be like, hang out with me if someone has a tattoo of you on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never talkin' to him again. Sorry, Ugo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is amazing. This one's amazing. I would follow, I would follow this storyline. I'd love to watch more of these actually. It's really interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's the same spin as like, the blind guy being like, like fart videos, you know, where they are putting out this message of like, I'm not into the sexuality. I love the beaches there. The people are just wonderful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, first of all, she is super cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she, she licks her own excrement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's, it's, it's extremely interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, how about the high view one? Like over there, it's like 1.4. First left, top left. Or sorry, second right, yea. Everyone try to cancel me. Why are they trying to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. Oh, so maybe she's, like, she's getting paid to do this stuff, right? Right. Maybe. Yeah, like, OnlyFans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta, it's gotta be up there. I mean, I know it's, it's not gonna be like the price of a car, but it's in the thousands. Oh. For her? Yeah, I'm sure it is. Hate to say it. Oh no, I'm saying like- Oh, for me? No, dude. It's, it's not happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started fucking homeless guys. I stopped dating tr- I started fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, she's, this is a wild animal, this child. This, this kid is fucking crazy. Which is, I think, if I'm signing up for OnlyFans, I want a fucking lunatic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate to say it, but life got a lot better when I stopped pursuing a medical career and started being a foul bird brain bimbo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did you fucking, so what I wanna see is what was, what's the one that came out before she said, oh people are giving me a hard time for licking my own excrement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, look, you guys have your homework. Let's get to know this kid. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well listen, you can watch Chris Porter's There's No Money in Babies right now. It's available right now on YouTube. Uh, thank you for coming. Oh, thanks for having me, man. It's good to see you guys. It's good to see you too. Thank you. And we'll see you guys next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey gang, it's your old pal Ian here. I just wanna say, I saw your little video clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so you can't wrap your head around a fucking complete hell of God's design. I mean, what kind of a bitch-bastard God would make a man unable to be content with one sex, be able to settle down, have a life? No, he's gotta make, he's gotta make me, uh, yearn for delicious cocks!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, and, and, and desire wonderful pussy and buttholes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm kidding. If you won't, Tommy, please, please, Tommy Yum-Yums, please, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies and gentlemen, this episode is brought to you by Satva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit. Go there and get $200 off any mattress of your choice. I'm a huge fan. I've slept on all of them. You gotta try one. Well, welcome to another episode of your mom's house. Uh, Merry Christmas to our Christian fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YMHLive9, a very cool Christmas, which I believe the initial period, you can go to the rental, you can rent it if you want to see it. It is the coolest YMHLive yet. I think it really is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We opened up the pre-show, so only, like, there was a limit, because the reason there was limitations on the pre-show that people don't know, is that it came with a gift box. So, everybody that bought a ticket to that, ahead of time,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bobby Lee pulled out a real surprise during that. So if people are wondering why he didn't get naked, well, he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead, sorry. No, that's what I was saying, for this type of work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The company was very excited and they were like enthusiastic on the call about doing the, like, and then they're like, yeah. And then on the follow up, they just went dead silent. They didn't stop answering. They were like, hell yeah, we're in to no response. So weird. It's not that weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty cool. That was pretty cool. I was thrilled with the night. It was a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of fun. Doing the live shows is the most exciting part. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, you wanna open the show? I do. Alright, let's get into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you wear a skirt or a dress? That's the nice thing about being abroad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I think I'm a little suspicious of people that are, you know, endorsing them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He probably looks good in anything he wears. I know. My guess, this guy doesn't struggle. Doesn't struggle. In the department of emptying his load everyday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I played, I played, uh, old school. I had never, I was doing my casino gigs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, when I play a gig there, I go, we wanna play blackjack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they give us a table, we sit down, and it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking, like, old cowboy blackjack. I'd never played this. Wait, what does this mean? There's no shoe. A shoe is like the device that the cards come out of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the dealer has the cards, tosses them,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this, you're supposed to take a look and put them down. And if you want to hit, you brush the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are side bets you could do that I've never had at other, like if you have a face card, you can double down or more. What's a face card? Like a queen? Like a ten, queen, king, giant, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was that, and then you're supposed to tuck. So like you, you see your car and then you tuck them down. And, uh, I fucking went on a run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, you're supposed to try to get 21. I'm like, oh my god. I'm like, do you not know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It fades a little bit, and you start to be able to see clearly. And so now what's happening is he's seeing what a fucking box of rocks he's got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gave a speech about how it completely changed the way he thought. He's like, has the pussy haze faded? I was finally able to see clearly again. Yeah, it fucking, it has, it has completely changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pussy has changed his way of thinking, and now he's starting to seek- I think-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I do gotta say something. I walked by the television while this was on. I didn't really like see it. But uhm, I respect that both him and his brother


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just have these big gaps of hair. I know. And they're just like, yeah. I think that's, maybe that's very British of them to do that. Like, I feel like the American would be like, you know, wearing, you know, having treatments and stuff. They're just like, yeah, my hair's gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only thing better than Football Sundays is Football Sundays with Draft Kings Sportsbook. I'm excited to be partnering with Draft Kings, an official sports betting partner of the NFL, to share an unbelievable deal with all new customers. Want to win $150 in free bets?


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[Assistant] Want to up the stakes even more? Try out same game parlays where you can combine multiple bets from one game like which team will win and by how much for a shot at even bigger winnings.


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[Assistant] Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. New customers use promo code MOMBET$5 on any pregame moneyline bet and get $150 in free bets if your bet wins. That's promo code MOM only at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got a real crazy look and then I, I couldn't help but think immediately of our old friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good stuff. Yeah, Danny. And she was always, you know, she was doing the right thing. She was always saying hi to Hitler, right? At the beginning of every video. Very important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very old. Yeah. Yeah, I think he would definitely not be still kicking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but anybody can watch YouTube. It's a good way to communicate with him. Maybe a vlog we can start here at the studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May try to disguise himself, that's what U.S. intelligence thought. Yeaah, that's what I would do too, is like, the hair and the stash were very... Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about that one? The wildly misunderstood photos of Hitler in disguise. That's kinda cool. I mean, as a headline, that's pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It came out of World War I, because in World War I, everybody had to wear gas masks, and a gas mask would line up right on the outside of your mouth, so the style of mustache became to trim the outside part so that it would seal over your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He made it the most popular, and that's why everybody wears it today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what are we, what is this saying? These are, if you would flee into the skies it would be one of these looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that one and three would be the only ones where he could walk by and somebody wouldn't know for sure who it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the Biden administration appointed a gender fluid person, uh, Sam Brinton, to a high-ranking post in the Department of Energy. Remember this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deputy, I got it. Deputy Assistant Secretary, uhm, of spent fuel and waste disposition in the office. Uh, I got it, I got it. So, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is part of the administration. Well guess what? Guess what? He's been fired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because he was captured on security footage, making off with a woman's bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Worth more than $3,600 from the Las Vegas airport. A surveillance snap!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, when claimed, when arrested, sorry, when caught, he was, uh, he claimed to have mistaken the bag for his own, but although he never checked the bag. So he's like, I thought it was my bag. He didn't check the bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And last month he was charged in the September theft of a woman's suitcase from Minneapolis airport. So this man is no longer in the administration.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe I'll be stealing suitcases. It's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you gotta really be on it because if you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, well first of all, there's cameras, so now, now it makes you think about you should be wearing a hat, like we were talking about disguises, but also,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta get it like as it comes off the, the cart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or you gotta wait around and see bags that are not picked up and just wait, you know what I mean? Cause there's two times you get a bag, it's like you beat everybody, the suitcases come out and there's no one there, you grab one and go.


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[Assistant] Yeah, very stylish. It looks like you're like, welcome to Pebble Beach. Okay. All right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that she has a very similar voice quality to your friend Jenny, right?


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[Assistant] So you have the same shoes on as a fucking 14 year old? Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, sure, yeaah. I mean, I guess, you know, I did a podcast with Bart, uh, it was a few weeks ago, and I think I had just seen somebody be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, like the podcast. Sometimes they'll be like, like the podcast. Really don't like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you talk about, like, that you gotta watch, or, or you guys will talk about, like, any success you've had, cause like, I'm having a hard time, so therefore, and I was like, what a fucking loser, you know, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To, to read somebody going like, hey, uh, you talking about something...


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[Assistant] I guess it strikes a nerve in me just because I go, I just hate being around people who have excuses, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause, cause we've all been there, like I've also, I'm not gonna act like I've never, I, I, you know, I've been there and I'm sure I, I will continue to be, meaning it is a, it is a pitfall in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To not embrace them. And so when I see people going like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, when you talk about like a cool thing you got, or like a, you know, you got a car, you got a car,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it sucks because I don't have, I'm like, ah, you're thinking like a real fucking dipshit loser, you know? Uhm, cause like you're struggling, no, make sure that nobody brings up something that doesn't make you feel a certain way. It's like, look man, you, you know, I mean, I'll tell, I'll play for you what I said on the show. Every time.


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[Assistant] We talk about like a watch or a car. I'll get us like a bunch of messages from losers that


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[Assistant] So don't try to tell me that I'm, I'm making them feel bad about their situation. You're in control of your own situation and your own feelings. So don't put it on me that you feel bad that I have something that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm struggling with rent this month. Figure it the fuck out, okay? Like don't make my life be a problem for your life. If you don't like it, guess what? You're not gonna be able to control what people talk about. People are gonna talk about things that you don't have for the rest of your fucking life. Here's the thing, if you're, if you're still mad about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just know that it's your mindset, and you're thinking like a fucking loser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you don't have to. You don't. You can change the way you think, but you have to accept the way you're thinking right now is not gonna get you anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're being bitter, you're being petty, you're insecure, you're not confident. If you just sit around, and you go, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You only have what you have because of fans, so don't talk about us like that. Yea, but you're still a loser if you're thinking like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so it, it, you know, I guess I was bothered because I just, I don't like hearing, I don't like hearing the excuses. You know, where it extends to also reminds me of, to me, this has a direct correlation also with health and fitness. Yes. Because what happens is, you know, again, my whole life, people around me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very easy to go like, um, I, you know, I want to work out. And then you go, yeah, but.


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[Assistant] There's always about, I'm tired, or, you know, I don't feel like it today. Like, there's always an excuse, right? Then I found that the latest thing, this was unexpected, so there's always, people always have excuses for why they can't. I can't, I got things to do, I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why I can't eat healthy. This is why I can't workout. So I started to take fitness more seriously I'd say in the last year, you know. And so some people notice and they go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, congratulations or that's great, you know, keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to the gym and like, I'm like, wait, wait, wait, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is your position that only people with money are into fitness and take care of themselves? Because I can point to you, I can point you towards a hundred more people I know that don't have money that take their health and fitness very seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. And people love, here's the thing, they love to say their excuses. Like they love it and they go, well, you know, it's because of X, Y, and Z. And then they look for the people to go, exactly. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of pat them on the back for like great excuse for why things aren't working out for you. Great excuse on why you are, have flat lined in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great excuse for why you can't go to the gym or like eat healthy, like that's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good, good job coming up with your excuse. And you're right, it's people who are in shape, they only have, all of them are just in, uh, are just rich. Yeah, rich people and they, they pay for their gym and their private chefs. Good position to take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I would lose a bunch of people, and then my next tweet would be like, good.


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[Assistant] I haven't done that in a minute and I feel like doing this really, like if I lost, I lost people that I don't want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good, it's a really good feeling to get rid of them, you know? It's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you know, then there's people who wanna get their life together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then this is, this is like a, the type of, this is how I was honestly before I had any success, which was that when I would see somebody doing much, much better than me, which virtually everybody was, uhm, you know, I was excited by it. I saw it as something to strive towards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I, I enjoyed it. Yeah. I liked seeing it. It's a challenge. Yeah. How am I going to get there? It's a challenge, but it's also, it's inspiring. I thought it was inspiring. And that's what this person is like basically saying.


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[Assistant] I live vicariously through these two. Keep talking about call out the haters. Yeah. Yeah, it's like. Be a winner, dude. It's a right place to be. Be a fucking winner, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. See, people, people get different things from it, but I think the best thing is that it pulls the actual, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The week and makes it clear who they are. I, I, I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just walk off. And they're like, what are you doing? I go, I'm just gonna back him up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The haters. But I mean, it's the same thing. It's uh, somebody goes like, oh, you know, like they whine about it, and then they just look for someone to go, yips, right on man. And so then they stick with another fucking loser. Low frequency. Yeah. Same thing.


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[Assistant] Uhm, few days before Christmas, and uh, I would like you to get me a present.


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[Assistant] You see guts all over the kitchen floor.


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[Assistant] Another thing, or two things we mentioned on the, uh,


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[Assistant] On the first page, I mean it's just something we have to share with the regular audience.


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[Assistant] It has us and Garth Brooks, and it's really a shout out to you, the fans.


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[Assistant] I mean, look at this. It says Garth is stewing over the serial killer gag. And here's what I'll say. We did it together.


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[Assistant] So anyway, for those that didn't know, it's really in the National Enquirer.


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[Assistant] He's okay, yeaah. He's doing fine. Poor guy. He's a sweetheart. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the next point. So, we had played the clip from Erie, Pennsylvania, a few weeks back, uhm, where they had, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talked shit about Eerie, and then the news covered it there, you know?


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[Assistant] And then there's a one- No energy. part, we almost missed it honestly of this segment, where the weatherman-


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[Assistant] So that was David's, uh, joke. And here's the thing, I didn't even certainly think about this. On their own, some people I guess talked, or you know, messaged him probably like they do on Instagram, on Twitter, on Facebook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] David Wolter on Facebook 87.


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[Assistant] I didn't know this, and then I got notified that he, you know, first thing he did was he posted about this, right? And he tells everybody, to those who follow me because of the weather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might be noticing a lot of weird comments. It's apparently a result of Tom Segura hates Eerie. That was about a month back. I made a funny comment about Tom. Word got out to his fan base.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then they are swarming my social media accounts with a bunch of his sayings. The posts were comical for 24 hours, but that's about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please don't post in the comment section. Alright, well that's gonna change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. Uhm, you're getting weather questions for the rest of your life in the comment section.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then he, you know, then he, I guess he was playing for a second, so he goes, hey guys, you know where the bodies are.


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[Assistant] And then, uh, it's like when someone has a decent setup and then they're punchline, he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are at your mom's house, dot, dot, dot, in the basement, dot, dot, dot, where most of you probably live. Which is like, if you're talking about like a geriatric person's comment, it's like, you know, why don't you go, go back to your mom's basement, you know, it's like, it is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he went with like, again, a decent setup, a just horrific attempt at a joke with the basement. Then he just writes, put me on your show, right? Which is like, what? Why? And then it just goes into,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants to be, like, given a shot to be funny, I think. I think all those weather guys and local news people are always like, I'm pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, insults all, like lump them in as all basement. Here's the thing, most of them didn't know about this, but now they all will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing about them, it doesn't matter where you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He puts the, the gif of me, you know, breaking my shit. He goes, I've decided instead of being on YMA Studios, I want to play Tom Segura in a game of hoops. I'll wear jeans too, high and tight. And then he, and then underneath it, he puts, it will be total destruction by me. I'll take you up on that. And here's what I'll do. If you want to come to Austin, Texas,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if I win, you have to make your Instagram public for a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to post an apology video that I approve of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the choice is yours, do you want to give $50,000 to a fucking, whatever, weather charity?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna play ball? Come on down, man. One on one, two eleven by ones. Old school. And uh, you know, it'll be recorded, it'll be shot, but you'll have your shot, you can be real funny during it, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Total destruction by you. So, let's see what you got. I think you're too much of a fucking pussy, and you won't do it, but choice is yours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DavidWalter1 on Twitter. Let him know what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One other thing that's actually huge that was only, only,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Teased and told to the pre-show audience, the limited amount of people that got into that show from the live show is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This coming year we will have a new podcast at YMH Studios that we're super stoked about, uh, because it involves a couple of our favorite people who are very funny, very talented, very sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and they're very good podcasters, and now they're gonna be here. And that is that we will be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn it, I love those too. They are now Austin residents. Both of them. And uhm, we'll be podcasting with them. I know, I can't wait. Super exciting, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're gonna be great, uhm, we're just here to, you know, support and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's coming, uh, just early next year sometime, alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back with one of my old buddies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the world of stand-up comedy, when I used to do that. And he is, uh, he's a phenomenal comedian who just did something that is absolutely outrageous in that he shot two


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People who don't like follow the ins and outs don't realize that specials


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The minimum is that people shoot two shows, and then they edit together those two shows to make it flow and kind of seamless, and you go like, alright, you know, this one is the baseline, we'll cut back to this, but I might use some stuff, and then you cut together, but you were like, I'll do one show at seven,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'll be one hour. Right. A couple hours later, I'll just change shirts. Yeah. And I'll do another hour. That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, you did do, you did, and, and both were hours, I'm assuming, or around there? Yea, yea, 55.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's perfect actually. Uhm, and it went well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The uhm, you said, you know, I've had the same thing at taping, sometimes when you walk out, the crowd is so frantic, with like excitement, you're like, holy shit, and then they go like, at taping they go like, we should be quiet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I had, uh, so for the first time, cause I had heard friends say that this was the way to do it, and I was like, I'm gonna try it, if I can do it, I'm gonna do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this last taping I did, uh, like a month ago for a special, I shot four shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never done that. And they go, it's going to put you at such a, at such ease with every, and I was, they were right, you know, because you have four shots at this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it at one of the tapings. Uhm, I did, I shot in the round. So, you know, you're performing and you're constantly moving basically. You move here and maybe you address this part of the blah blah blah and you turn. So, I do a joke, it lands here and then I'm transitioning. I start walking this way and I see, out of my eye, a guy going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this, right? He's waving, and I'm like, this could be a problem. And I just keep, and I, you know, I just keep talking here, and I can't believe I just saw a guy doing this. And I stand and I talk to this part, and then, you know, punchline, and as I turn, it's like, it's a transition now, and the guy goes, hey, Tommy! Tommy! And I go, what? And he goes, what's up, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, what's up? And they're like, nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you think this was the time to do this? Like out of taping? And it's two guys and he goes, it is what it is! And I go, great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I just, and then I see them getting escorted out, obviously, or they're out of taping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's a fun one to actually get off stage and be like, oh, so you guys don't want me to come back here? Is that why you didn't do anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What changes I think in the performance that only like really comedians get this is if you get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If somebody like really disrupts you, throws you, does the FaceTime, or like starts asking you know, what's your definition? Is that you go, you're on stage and you're like, I don't want to be like vulnerable or open anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally sitting, she goes, what do you feel when you, I'm like, what? She's like, do you, what do you feel? I'm like, I mean, calm. I like, I like it. It's a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Serene, like the lights are beautiful. It's nice. She was like, Oh, okay. Were any of those answers sufficient?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you shared what you felt, which was much more. And I was like, it's fucking typical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think it's rude, I get the, don't, like, hey can this kid spend the night, and he's like, I don't like that either. I would be like, no. Because the way you did this was nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has anyone ever told you that you look like a bearded Richard Gere?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we were, here's the thing, when we were in- It's kinda true. We went to Asia together and we did Hong Kong, Singapore and Macau.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so there, you know, obviously there'd be all these people. I was, I told him how handsome he was, looked like Richard Gere. And then I would tell like local women, I'd be like, that's Richard Gere over there. And they're like, oh, and they, there we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, so, so I would get girls and I'd be like, hey, hey, hey, look how handsome you are. And they'd be like, oh yeaah. And they'd go talk to him and he'd be like, yeaah, nice. And then, uh, so one of them, one time, so we're just in like some bar or something and this girl randomly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I see Chad, take her by the shoulders, spin her and then push her away. He's like, thank you. And then she like, shoves her away. And he goes, yeah, she told me what you said. I go, I didn't talk to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was so fun. That was uh, Chad and I and Pete Lee and uh, and Lewis Lee I should of course point out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a fun time. If you haven't seen it, it's I Need You To Kill. You can see it on Amazon. Uh, I think. I dunno. I dunno. I think it was. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I get that if you're feeling a certain way, you'll share that. If, if she wants to or somebody wanted to get an immo- what's the way to ask you where you don't feel so pressed but somebody can ask, you know, out of curiosity? Oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's also, let's be honest, it's a fucking chick move. It's what you guys do. They do that shit a lot. You guys go like, I'm, I'm doing, this is such a great, don't you feel the same way? And like, and then us men, we have to go like, yeah. And then you go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you don't seem like you're really having the, I mean, do you not like the question night? Are you not having a good time? And then you guys turned into like investigators.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For anybody, whether this is man, like, that when someone's ready to express something, you should also be ready to express, like, you might not be ready to express that emotion in that moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just gotta get through that pussy haze, you know, like Harry was talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well that's going to set them up for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's pretty, it is pretty steep, I mean, to go all in on your in-law, like to just blast, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like yeaah, I don't feel like she could actually go to England.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're not gonna believe any of her compliments. I know. She's like, Prince Charles was hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what? He's the prince. Deal with it. You got hooked up. You got an easy life. Fucking stupid broad. Look how many, look how many staff are here to help you out. Change the diaper yourself. That's a real man right there. Nevermind. I respect him a lot more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's a, there's a mystery photo somewhere. She's like, I'll find it someday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need you to kill. He looked like Richard Gere. I've heard it. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, horrible or hilarious? You look at the screen, I play you something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hilarious. Okay, thank you. Thank you. And also I think it's funnier that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just remembered, I had a flashback right now to Hong Kong. I was with this fucking lunatic and we were out late and he took the lid of a trash can and rode it down a hill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was raining and it went fast down a long windy hill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just narrowly missed a car. I had to do the reverse worm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's doing, uhm, split squats with a barbell. Yeah. Which is not the most, I mean, obviously you can do it, I think most people usually do those with like dumbbells or, uh, kettlebells, but like, she's got the bar on her back and then her back leg just gives out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] De-conditioned athlete, as they say. I learned about that.


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[Assistant] He was trying, he was, the thing is he was athletic, but uhm, so when you're like, like deconditioned, it's that you don't have the support to do those. Like you're, you still have the same athletic kind of desires and then your brain goes, let's go do this, but your body isn't ready for it anymore.


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[Assistant] And your Achilles tendon goes, yeah. And then, and then you land on your arm and your arm breaks too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was a weird one. That was weird. Um, yeah, that wasn't so good. Anyway, um,


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[Assistant] So, back to, I'm sorry, cause we started talking about what you did, which is, for people, I don't think any comedian, every comedian in the world would hear what you did and go like, what in the fuck? You shot two separate one hour specials on the same night?


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[Assistant] Yeah, they think you just saw a video of like a cat, uh, hanging up a Christmas ornament.


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[Assistant] I like it. Uhm, but then, it is so unheard of. It's so unheard of. I've never heard of anybody doing this before.


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[Assistant] That's pretty cool to have, uh, something that's never been done and somebody will try to do it and then they'll fuck it up and you'll be like, yeah, probably shouldn't have.


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[Assistant] But then you'll have now the, the option to, I mean,


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[Assistant] To have such a unique back, like you'll have a double back to back, double header, like. I don't even know. I haven't thought this far ahead.


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[Assistant] It's very cool. I'm excited for you. Oh, thanks. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That's really nice of you. Uh, your feelings might go all over the place. Uh, just so you know, I have not seen anything that you're about to see either. These are all Christina's. It's her own thing and it's a ride. Sometimes you just feel really sad the whole time. Uh, sometimes you laugh, sometimes you laugh and then you cry.


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[Assistant] It's like chunks of plastic.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's a lot of dudes that do shit like this, like unnecessary shirtless, you know, bad angles, creepy message, creepy smile, and they're just like, they think this is attracting a mate, you know.


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[Assistant] And then wha- Also, why did that make you smile? You know? That reminded me of like Garth being like, heh heh, the refugees.


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[Assistant] If she asked me if I was having a good time, I'd be like, I'm having a great time.


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[Assistant] This is supposed to appeal, like, get fans. Right. It's like, look how I'm, I'm fucking pretty wild. Okay. And I did notice there was a, I think,


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[Assistant] Ooh, I love this shit. It shows you how fast those hands are.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's some guys that also, I like when they take it to the next level, which is they address the camera and they're like, so if a man were to enter right now, and they just start.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he did speed up that footage too.


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[Assistant] No, that's uh, that's definitely not Spanish. Yeah, that's maybe Italian. Italy.


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[Assistant] Okay, just so you know, I would marry her today. So this woman can, she's very flexible.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but even in like the, uh, the, this is- The mouth is crazy. That is crazy.


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[Assistant] Anything else you got in there? Isn't that wild? And then... Fuck!


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[Assistant] And we'll be reaching out to you looking forward to more clips.


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[Assistant] For sure, for sure, for sure, you're the biggest psychopath that's ever been on the show. I mean, the fact that you could watch that clip of a guy stuck in a cave who's like, oh, I think I'm officially stuck and you see it and you feel it and you're sitting here giggling. I mean, you're the nuttiest person that's ever walked in here. How do you dare to say that about somebody else?


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[Assistant] Probably. I mean, that space right there, I was like, just even when it opened, I was like, oh, when it started, I'm saying, you know, I was like, oh my God, that's terrible.


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[Assistant] And by the way, if you were in that room as soon as that meow tutorial was done, she'd be like, are you having a good time learning this? And you'd have to be like, I'm having the best time. You sound just like a fucking cat.


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[Assistant] This guy, that's a real rock biter, you know?


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[Assistant] Have you ever had fresh honeycomb? So good. It's unbelievable. It really is the best natural treat I've ever had. I don't like the wax in it.


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[Assistant] You know what I'm kinda jealous of? The, the, there's a whole culture of comedians that are into golf.


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[Assistant] And I feel like I miss out on that fun entirely.


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[Assistant] And then with every year that passes, you're like, I'm not gonna start now.


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[Assistant] You know? So like another year goes by and everyone's like, oh, we're at Pebble Beach together. And you're like, that's cool.


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[Assistant] The next year, like you're on the road and they're like, you know, they have the best course there. And you're like, yeah, I don't play. And they're like, really?


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[Assistant] I feel like I'm missing out. I kind of think you are. No, I think I am.


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[Assistant] Yeah. It's great. It's great. And, uh, you're doing it with a group. It's fun.


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[Assistant] But as I'm saying, you know, the longer you stay away from it, the more you go like, I should stay away from this.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, I should go to a range just to see like how bad, like if I can even hit one straight still. I don't think I can. I think it'd be pretty bad. Is your game pretty good now? It's alright. It's alright? It means it's pretty good. I've worked on it. Yep. And have you played like your whole comedy career? You've always been playing golf?


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[Assistant] And then you just stuck with it and now you have a decent game. That's great. Did you take lessons?


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[Assistant] He had like a cast iron, like that's a heavy fucking pan. And he just smashed a crock in the head.


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[Assistant] He went out there to defend something, maybe the dog. The dog? Yeah, I don't know. The dog.


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[Assistant] And he was not freaked out by a croc.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that lays flat against a wall, so you can't recline. It's very nice.


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[Assistant] Alright, here's a little dog eating out of a man's mouth on the subway.


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[Assistant] I like, I mean them licking you is, but like, go ahead and fully lick out my mouth like this? No.


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[Assistant] I mean, you can put all the fucking real estate in there.


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[Assistant] Anyway, I had a good time. Did you have a good time? I had a great time. Good. This was a lot of fun. Did you have fun? I had fun. Good. This was a good time. Uhm, Chad, thank you for stopping in. Thanks for having me. This was nice. It was really nice to visit with you again.


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[Assistant] I'll never forget our time together in Asia. I'm actually because there's a documentary about it. Uh huh, it's all on camera. No, it was really fun. And I'm super pumped for you for the two specials. I think it's a remarkable achievement. Thanks, I appreciate that. Thank you. Can't wait to see it, bro. And you still look very handsome, by the way. That's so nice of you. I like the hair and the beard. You look like a Russian philosopher.


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[Assistant] Uh, where can people see you? Where should they go for when you go back on tour?


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[Assistant] Go see him. Uh, thanks for watching, thanks for listening, and we'll see you next week.


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[Assistant] Hey! You just watched a full episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in like...


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, so while we're in the middle of the podcast, I'm gonna call out red flags so we're gonna keep score. So I wanna find out how many red flags this person has, and then they can redeem themselves by like having a positive attribute.


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[Assistant] For sure. Cause if you, if you fib at all.


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[Assistant] Were you expecting to meet someone at this time?


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, he is at least shampooing his crotch. This is true. There's, I'm sure there's quite a few men who don't even think about that.


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[Assistant] Just like, work them in. Why didn't you just buy a bar of soap, babe?


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[Assistant] That's why he needed you. I know. So how long did you guys date before you got married?


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[Assistant] You weren't banging her head into that dresser hard enough.


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[Assistant] Did y'all have the one night stand at your place or his mattress?


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[Assistant] If you get a candle, that's a red flag.


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[Assistant] Ew, really? Just regular? Except for Josh. Josh told me he doesn't say that.


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[Assistant] For serving cunt. She did it with a smile.


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[Assistant] That is so young. What didn't work out? Well, he was the manager of a restaurant and, uh, he didn't come home one night.