[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cut cheese, uhm, like a block, I get a block of cheddar, and then I'll cut off like a, like a chunk, and then I'll put that on a plate, I'll put it in the microwave, and then I'll melt it down until like all the cheese kinda laces, and I let it harden just a little, and then I'll just eat it right off the plate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But why, why would anybody start two separate- I understand having a mistress, but why the need for two separate families?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever take uber by any chance? Yeaah. Do you know your uber profile score? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing, you give them a score, they give you a score. Did you know that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I'm also nice. He's attractive, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wasn't that awesome? Oh my god, I was so excited. What did you play? What position? I wasn't good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that and maybe like, like with stand up you actually do have to have a lot of discipline to stick to this for so many years and all through the um, adversity and you have, you can't get, I mean some people get hammered every night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But can I tell you, having learned to feature in Florida, I spent a lot of time doing every club, I feel like that act probably was a hit for you, and I want to say that people do it, like the hibachi grills I performed at, the seafood restaurants, big hit. That would be a big hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you told me something alarming in the lobby. We were going over our Uber ratings and I'm a 4.85.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like a good relationship with your parents. Why were you doing drugs? I can't imagine why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, wait, how can I ask you, just one second, cause whenever I, let's say I forget to pay my visa gap bill, and you know when they start calling you incessantly when you miss like one credit card payment


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But isn't that the, the secret to all of it is finding the thing that drives you no matter what. Like you'll fucking walk dogs for nine years if it means that one day you'll get to be a professional comedian and you'll get to work with Nikki Glaser and the Serious Show and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say the advantage uhm, in stand up comedy and comedy in general is that like the older, fatter, uglier you are, the better it actually is. It's not really a young person's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thing, the younger you are, the unfunnier you are. I mean, Tom and I would say this all the time, like, who the fuck is funny as a 20-year-old stand-up? No, they got no life, bro!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have all this great life experience and you can relate to like a fishmonger and you can relate to real estate douchebags and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys who wear polo shirts or whatever and little John, like, you've got this wealth now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How come we watch these videos, I get sad and you get happy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I was thinking, cause you guys talk about sports, like it's so important, you know? Mhm. In high school, it really defines boys. I feel like you guys are like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Wait, I've learned about this. Uh, people, yeaah, you can have a fight, flight, or freeze response. I don't know. Basically there's people that are avoiders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's basically being codependent, like you don't deal with your stuff and you're like, Tom, you need to deal with, uh, folding all this laundry right now. Are you going to, are you going to call your mom? I know you and your mom are like, if I start getting into his Kool-Aid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like when you start getting into someone else's trying to solve their lives instead of solving your own shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Tommy, your farts are on an ongoing unrolling. There's no- Are they like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, your farts are always coming. And you try to pinpoint the cause, like, oh I had vegetables, oh I had meat. Maybe it's your farty guy. It's genetic, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This morning you tooted. When I was, I was leaving you with FIFA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, we're gonna find out. I don't- I was thinking, you know, playing this out in my head, and thank you by the way for offering your services to all those strangers out there, because that's what we need in this whole thing, is more strangers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but I do appreciate all the offers. Uh, I, the only thing I'm concerned about is literally getting two, two, three, nine, five Wagner. What do you mean? Why? Well, because I, I'm getting, uh, intel that it's a dicey part of town. And I'm gonna be equipped with, uh, lots of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plentiful bounty for, you know, and I'm, I don't know, you know, it could be a target on my back. I just, don't give me any labeled gear, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perhaps, you know? 2396. 2396, yeaah. I mean, I'm open for all the possibilities. I'd love, uh, you know, to rage with Robert and see how he gets down, you know? Dude, I'm- I just hope it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I can't wait to see his face when he opens up his- his wonderful packages. What if he's disappointed though? He's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we'll see. Before your trip to New York. Do I get to, do I get those cool glasses? Yea. Okay cool, I like the glasses, I like his, uh, Mardi Gras beads. Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May I ask when you signed up, Christina, did you put something, maybe your algorithms off or something, maybe did you put a special word in, uh, in your preferences? No! No, here's the problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aw man, that's tough to maintain. No, you don't have to maintain it for long. I would like to see how it looks on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, maybe I can get some buns with that Puerto Rican lion beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you be open to this? I mean I'd like to see how it looks


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's an upgrade for me. What if all of a sudden you just start crushing it? Oh my god, I go walk down in East Hollywood and all the girls are like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you just have to start speaking with an accent. Yeaah, I'm like, what you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you don't want like, a real talker, right? No. I don't want you to be very verbose. That's a big word. I don't want your vocabulary to be extensive. Just like, dick here, you know, that kind of thing. That kind of- Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? Yeaah, it's kinda like Christina's TikToks. What's her handle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You unfollowed her. Can you believe that? She had too much porn. Wow. What kind of thing is that to say? She was cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go, I gotta take a piss. Do you want me to go in a cup? No, no, no, I'll say I'd be honored if you were to sample my wares and drink my piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does say piss on me, not piss in my mouth. Guys. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yea, I mean, shit. I'm gonna have to pee while I'm there. Might as well do it in his pups. He's gonna love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do not speak to Uber drivers ever. That's what it is. You just have a five star change, you nod. Wait, do you say, do you say, hey five for five?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just do it right when I get out. Five. And if they fuck me, I will haunt them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was like a minister and I think they like- Oh, you used to watch that show, huh? You did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and like she, you know, she seemed kind of young on that show. I was like, oh, that's kind of agreeable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh says in radio that that role is called The Hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually right, if uh, like if he's talking and he's not shoving stuff up his ass, then I don't see us getting flagged for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean, she has a YouTube channel called The Kinky Kid. And, uh, it's all kind of in this lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here, hold on, we're going to switch places for a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't see this one. Oh, that's cheese. It's like American cheese singles. I got you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We covered, uh, we covered this girl in episode, uh, 412. Really? Did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So those are, those are all five farts. I mean, which one was your favorite one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there is. Why don't you guys discuss who gets rank number 1, 2, and 3, and I'll pull up this new part, mister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he actually, uh, reminds me of someone that we used to have on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So your heyday was done when you were 18, huh? For sure. For sure. Well, I tricked him for about, uh, what, 13 years longer than you? 13 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that a strategy of yours? You did do this, right? I did. Yeah. I was just nice. Was that really what was going on? Yeah. I, I never saw, um, unless you came at me, I was never going to be the guy that was going to be pushing your face in the dirt and stepping on your hands and doing all the dirty stuff. Like I just assumed, let's go have some fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My team's probably gonna lose. I'm just trying to get a college scholarship out of this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Laser focused and labeled ADD probably helped me. Uh huh. Uhm, I knew very very young what I wanted to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like eight years old and my dad's lawyer was sitting in the front of the house talking. He played ball at Northwestern. So he had played some big division one college football. Little Heath, what are you going to do? I'm like, I'm playing the NFL. And I said it like it was nothing. I mean, I was eight. And I remember Mike Crayons looking at my dad being like, man, the little guy just has no clue how hard it is to make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ingrained in my mental DNA still to this day. Yeah. And uhm, and so I think about 13 or 14, I got really serious. And my dad, the Marine, came to me and said, hey listen, if I'm going to be a good dad, are you serious about these goals you have? Because if you are,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he did all the strength stuff and then the stuff that he didn't know, he'd point me in the direction. Like there was a guy in my church that played like 11 years in the league and so after 8th grade of spring football, you remember spring football? Yea. They were about to move me to offensive line because I was a little short, a little chubby, wasn't fast enough. I'm like, heck no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I asked my dad, I'm like, we gotta get faster. He points me to a guy in church. And I asked him, how do I get faster? He gave me a plan. I lived out that plan all summer. Honestly, I lived out that plan for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but I came back after that eighth grade summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I had Florida State, you know, I'd gone to the Florida State summer camps and so I'd gotten in front of Bobby Bowden and I'd gotten in front of some of these coaches that would leave Florida State and go elsewhere. So I had some schools that were interested from really after my freshman year going into my sophomore year. I'd committed to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And listen, and I say interested, like it was all a bunch of verbal affirmation. It never means anything until they give you like a written letter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is your full scholarship offer. We want you. And so I'd committed to Florida State. I wasn't even taking recruiting trips. I was playing basketball, just kind of doing my senior year deal. And I was also like the idiot kid that didn't want to go on recruiting trips. I didn't want to miss workouts. I was like the paranoid, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, everyone else is looking to go to the, the, the recruiting trips to, to go to the bars and go to the strip clubs and all that stuff. I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I miss a workout, someone might take my scholarship. That was my thinking as a kid. I was like, you're never gonna catch me on a bad day. But Florida State pulled that offer off the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've already proven in the state of Florida that I can play tail back. And when I went to the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, all the all-star games, everyone's like, I had to go there and prove myself against all the four, five, six, eight talent. Did that in a week's time. Uhm, I just always had the confidence that if someone, I don't want anything given to me, give me an opportunity, and then I'll take advantage of it. So, I was realistic in my thought process about having to go earn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, yeaah, so Florida State pulled that off, wanted to put me at linebacker, and then, uh, ended up- So you say no. Yeaah. And what happens when that, are they like- I remember, so Mark Richt, you know, uhm, he was the offensive coordinator, just recently was the head coach at Miami, had been at Georgia, uhm, he, he was the one that told me, and it was me and my mom and dad sitting in our family room in our house in South Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, when he told me, boy, I started crying. I was so mad. Like, it was like the anger tears. Like, you know the kid that starts crying before he fights and then rips off all his clothes and those are the people you run from? That was kinda where I was at, but I wasn't gonna fight him. I marched out into my weight room that I had in the house and just started going at it. And my dad told Mark Rick,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turn it into hard work and then by the grace of God you made something good come out of it, you know? And so uhm, those stories are the ones that you kind of hang your hat on and you teach your kids and you try to love on other people and kind of give them those examples with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's what everyone, everyone knew, like, I mean, all of them from Syracuse, Ohio State, uh, everyone that had kind of showed interest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had been like, I'm going to Florida State. I mean, and I didn't hide it. Most people try to play the slick recruiting game process, you know, you kind of play it cool. I'm like, nah, I believe Garnet and Gold have always wanted to be. Derek Brooks was there, Dion Sanders, I mean, all these greats, Marvin Jones. I'm 100% Go Nose all the way. That's, I mean, like, that's the coolest uniform in the world. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, at that time, you know, we kinda had to put my name back out there on the map. And so I took a trip to Syracuse, which us Florida boys don't belong in Syracuse, New York. I got off the plane in like the worst blizzard they'd had in like 10 years. I'm like, no thank you, can I go back home? And they lost my luggage. Crazy, so I'm freezing up there for two days. Uhm, and then the next week I went to Auburn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, they sealed the deal. It was, yeaah. Was it an awesome trip? It was. You know what's funny though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They recruited the heck out of me. And here's what I mean by that. So when I walk in, the first thing I remember about this recruiting trip is my mom and dad went with me and everything else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rodney Allison was a running back coach and you imagine walking into this running back coaching room and he's got a whiteboard and on the whiteboard he has this, you know, statement written out. He's like, can you read boy? Like already kind of coming at me like a Marine would come at me. And I'm like, yes sir. He's like, well read that board. And it says,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Better off to have died as a small child than fumble the football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so from that moment on, they just started triggering my mind, my, my process and how I worked. And so, and, and he was, you know, for there is like, Hey, listen, I don't think you can play tailback. I don't think you're good enough to carry the ball in the SEC. I do think you can be the best fullback that Auburn's ever had. And we've had some all American studs. We've had a bunch of guys go to the NFL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think you have what it takes. He's already messing with my mind. He's setting me up perfect just to know because he knows I'm a proven guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Challenge me, watch what happens. And so they had, through the recruiting process, they had kind of gotten to know me. They just didn't have an opportunity to ever really sell me because I was just committed to Florida State. So as soon as Bobby Bowden bowed out,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Terry Bowden, who was the head coach at Auburn at the time, you know, got back in the game. And uhm, so Terry and his staff, uhm, they had us hook, line and sinker, which is, you know, we went to these private Christian schools and so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jimbo Fisher, who's now the head coach at Texas A&M, was my recruiting coach at Auburn. Funny story, first day of PADS, uhm, in freshman year 1998, uhm, I did something and Jimbo was like, you son of a bitch! And he's like, and then he looks at me with these odd things and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that. That's how, I mean, I was the Bill Belichick, so when I got to Bill, I was like, oh, I'm finally at home. Really? Wait, let's go back though. I love that. Yeah, we won't jump too far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, I don't know, but I kind of understand. Tequila spikes, his neck is like my thigh. And he was like, all American, all SEC. He looks like a nightmare. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the best thing my dad ever did was like, you remember like, well, how well did you know like Palm Beach County? Like, you know like Lake Lytle Park? No. So my dad would just like take me and drop me off, like, not in the hood, but kind of the hood, you know, and, and be like, hey, go, go play some pickup basketball with grown, just grown men, you know what I mean? Like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there, you know, I was 13, 14, 15 at the time, you know, maybe probably even younger when I first started, but I was playing against 25, 30 year old grown men that were fast and athletic. They'd jump out of the gym. And so I kind of always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, and so when I got to the SEC, I'm like, okay, this is just, just one more time, another ladder that we just got to climb again. But this ladder,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excited, anxiousness, you know? And when I first got there, the freshmen kind of report early. So we got there three days before everyone else. So we were already kind of tired and fatigued a little bit. They'd been running the mess out of us and then we'd get out there and then all the real players show up. The one that had been there doing that for the last couple years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but my, my coaches were just such jerks to me and so like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the first day of pads, I remember like my coach is standing out calling out the play. So Takeo Spikes, the best linebacker in the country at the time, can literally meet me on our side of the ball. I've never really blocked a day in my life, you know, I always carry the ball, you know, and so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I'm just getting destroyed, but I'm running in there full speed trying to knock people out, but no form, no technique, never been taught how to do it, and they're just testing my mental aptitude. How tough is Heath? Is he what we thought? And so they push me and push me and push me, uhm, and it worked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a chance. The, uh, uhm, I remember that first time. Jesus. And, and then I remember, uhm, throw up LaVon Kirkland. So my rookie year at Seattle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was probably some fake bravado and fake confidence, but my dad had made me confident. And I knew I'd put in the work. But I also knew physically I was as strong as anyone there. Takeo was probably about the only guy on the team at the time that was stronger than me across the board. Seriously, you were that strong as a freshman? Well yea, my dad, we were just always like, we were just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The athleticism, it's more about the detailed, the hard work, how disciplined you are. Are you going to blow it in the fourth quarter? Or can your coach trust you in your fourth quarter? The elite teams every year, you know, we'll get to the Patriots stuff. Bill could care less about your athleticism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna screw it up in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl? And if you are, you're not gonna be here. If I can't trust you, if you're not mentally and physically tough, you don't belong here. I don't care how good an athlete you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the, the century old battle of nature and nurture. You know, I think it's more nurture. I think you can raise champion, I'm, I'm proving it with my two daughters. I think you can, you raise championship caliber people. You know, not just athletes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The people like, I tell Ava Naomi all the time, listen, if you, if you can just be mentally tough, you're growing up in a world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you'll rule the world because you're growing up in a world full of cupcakes and snowflakes. Absolutely. If I can teach you how to tell yourself no and discipline yourself, tell yourself no to things that you know you don't need to be doing or wasting time doing or partaking in, like you're going to rule the world because we just, the society is like, don't even get me started on that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When champions are made, Michael Jordan being cut from his basketball team, what that flipped off in his mental psychology just chipped his shoulder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. And that's why the argument of the greatest ever is null and void and anyone that even tries to argue anyone but him, I work out with even like magic and golds over in Venice. That type of championship mentality, like this day and age, let's go buddy up and win a trophy together. I want to vomit and punch you in your throat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I never would have been like, hey, let's buddy up and go win a trophy together. No, like even, like Benjamin tried to recruit me to come over there. You know what I mean? Like, and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best. That's the best. Yeah, so 96, so Jimmy Clark and all them boys would have already been gone. I'm trying to think who's, uh. Wait, did you play against Glades by the way? Oh yeah. They fucked up our whole


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They killed us too. I played them in the state semi-finals, uh, my senior year. Somehow I had like 200 yards and we had six points to show for it. I'm like, how do we get this many Russian yards to can't score points? It was, it was bad. But yeah, they had a crew out there. They were well coached.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was special. I mean, Mama Evans played a huge part too. She was a real tough one. Like, she was the one that had to feed me and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, we did it in, in, uh, in Auburn, Alabama. He went to Auburn, okay. Uhm, so we just, it was easier to have mom and dad and kind of a few people from Palm Beach come up, uhm, and have it there where all my boys were and, you know, just, you know, so many people that we, we wanted to celebrate with, you know. Yeaah. Even the coaches at that point. So, uhm, yeaah, we were, we were in Auburn and, you know, waiting around and third round finally came and, and, and we


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, high school to SEC was like, it was a whirlwind. It was night and day. And then from the SEC, it's not disrespect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the NFL, I mean, obviously to jump, but it just wasn't as significant. Sure. You know, and Auburn, we were just locked and loaded at the time with talent. I mean, after seeing Takeo run around in practice and like, everything else was slow. Cause he was one of the best linebackers to do it in the NFL for 14, 15 years, whatever he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brian Erlacher. And listen, all, all beasts, you know? Yea. But it's funny cause, uhm, Erlacher had a guy right next to him named Lance Briggs. Lance Briggs wore number 55. Yea. I was about 255 pounds. Lance was about 235 pounds. We were both about 6 foot. Lance was probably 6'1".


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But God just made him better than me. Period. His hips were more powerful. He could hit harder. He could explode. If you put us in a 40, I'd probably beat him in a 40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for some reason when we hit, he just wanted to separate my shoulder. Every time. Both of them. And he separated my left one and my right one. Really? And I only had three games against him ever in ten years. The joker was like, you know when I hit you, you're like, oh man that guy just hit different. When you hit Lance,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the Ed Reeds, those are the guys that you, those are the ones that hurt the most. So like when you were, when you were carrying a ball or when you catch the ball in the open field and you're running, it's never the linebackers or like big hello-dee-nottas or it's not those big dudes. It's the DBs that are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, listen, if we were track stars, I'd get it. Like when they line up for the 100 meters and they've got earrings and sunglasses and jewelry, I'm like, why wouldn't you take that five pounds of jewelry off me? Hardly anyone does it, right? You see, I watch games and I'm like, no one's got leg pads. I'm telling you, now they've got some rules. They've got to throw a little butt pad in there and a little hip pads, but they're still not protecting anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's the Belichick way for one. And I know people have labeled it the Patriot way and that's cute and all that stuff. But it's Bill's way. It's Bill's way. And uhm, he's been the mainstay. You know, obviously Brady's been the mainstay as well. So both deserve equal amount of credits, but Brady will be the first one to tell you too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the mental processes that he goes through to prepare to win on Sunday to, you know, have the six rings that he has. Bill Tottenham the majority of that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drafted Brady because he knew he was a mental monster. He knew it. Physically, nah, you're kind of lacking Brady, but we can probably do something with his mind and arm, you know? And now we've seen what he can do 20 years later. Uhm, but the, the Belichick way is, simply put, I'm gonna do all the work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna sacrifice all the hours of sleep. I'm gonna sacrifice all the man hours. I'm gonna sacrifice everything. So you guys can go get the glory. Trust me. Don't worry about you and your stats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buy into team first mentality and then I promise you I'll make you the best player you can be. But you gotta trust me and you gotta do what you're told to do. So ultimately you gotta submit to authority.


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[Assistant] But Bill's never going to take credit and he will be the first one.


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[Assistant] 18-1 Super Bowl. He'll be the first one. I screwed this team. My fault. Not your boys. I let you down. My, I, I didn't, I didn't adjust the way that I needed to. This loss is on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not for a second did you believe it was just lip service. He believed it. He lived it every single day. And so in that environment, you only survive there if you can submit to authority and you can humble yourself to trust the process. Cause that process is gonna change every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do we beat Buffalo this week? How do we beat the Chiefs this week? How do we beat, uh, whoever it is? It's gonna change every week. So every week you gotta come back in and be like, alright, what Bill's gonna teach this week? And then just buy into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard to teach a lot of, like, so Bill's photographic memory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he will, he'll pull a play with Lawrence Taylor out of his brain from the mid-80s and then go coach, you know, his, you know, a linebacker that doesn't even know who Lawrence Taylor is. And then that will make Bill's brain explode and then he'll probably cut that player because he doesn't know football history well enough. But I'm just, I'm just playing. But, but, but there is this, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mental genius in Bill that can know your personality, know yours, know mine, know everyone out there waiting in the lobby.


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[Assistant] And then three days later, he might know you need something else, and then he's gonna come at you all soft and lovey-dovey and come at me all hard. But the best thing about Bill is, there's not a lot of people that can mother eff Tom Brady in a, in a team meeting room. And when you're in New England,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're the superstar, you get coached harder than everyone else. And if you're the 53rd man on the roster or maybe like the 35th guy on the roster like I was, then you're gonna be in this staggered scale of your level of accountability and how hard you get come down on because he knows


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ultimately, me at 35 man on the roster is going to follow Brady at number one on the roster, so if Brady's not challenged and he's not working and he's not being held accountable, then you create this level of, uhm, inconsistency.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so that's a gift in itself. But then, judging talent?


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[Assistant] And when I got cut from the Dolphins, Bill's like, oh I can make something work out of him. No one knows how to do what I know how to do with Heath. Took him, took him a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] converted me into a totally different player that, uhm, everyone thought was a possibility when they drafted me, but Mike Holmgren didn't know how to do it, Nick Saban didn't know how to do it, and Bill showed the world how to do it. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember it was 0-7. We smoked the team by like 50 points. And, uh, Bill comes in and he's mouthing off at Brady about something.


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[Assistant] I'm trying to remember how it started, but he's like, if you weren't so worried about you and Giselle's next GQ magazine, maybe, just maybe you wouldn't have thrown that interception. What is this, Christmas? It's October, Brady. Christmas come early or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can go somewhere for Foxborough High and get someone to throw that ball better than you. Like, so we're just like going at them, you know? Now, here's the thing about, people don't realize, all the people that come out, like the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] March, Cassius Marsh, these losers that come in there like, oh, the place is no fun, yada, yada, yada. Man, when you're a winner in your heart,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no better place to play. There's no more fun. Cause we're all dying. I mean, when he's getting on Brady, you got,


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[Assistant] McGinnis over there, you got Bruce Gee, you've rabled all my old boys that were there. All laughing? Dying laughing because Brady's getting it.


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[Assistant] Brady's pissed as can be cause Bill's going in his chest. Now, you knew it was coming, and if it was like a Monday morning meeting,


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[Assistant] After a game that you knew we had won, but you knew there was like probably two plays. Oh lord no. He doesn't miss anything. All hellfire and brimstone is coming at you. And that's just what it was. And so he would go through, we'd call them low light reel meetings. Cause like most, most teachers, most coaches have highlight reel. No, no, no. We don't have those in New England. You got low light reels. Do you remember getting it? What?


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[Assistant] He comes in and throws on the field, er, the film, and I had caught a ball, spun, made the first guy miss, made an open field move, made a second guy miss, turned 10, 12 yards out of like what should have been a 2 or 3 yard catch. Yea. Hey, Gale Sayers.


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[Assistant] You're here to beat people down when you get the ball in your hands. I want you to physically impose your will because we have other backs that can do what you just did. So your piece of the puzzle is you beat people down when you have the ball in your hand and then we've got Kevin Falk, we've got Corey Dillon, we've got others to kind of do the dancing stuff. Yea, quit your dance moves kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like that. Cause like Sean Payton will get in everybody. I mean I loved my two years in New Orleans. Obviously won my ring there and everything else, but uhm, but he's never gonna rip Drew Brees that way. You know? No way. But there's also very few superstars that can take that type of, you know, humbling process about


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[Assistant] You know, are you trying to get better or do you think you've arrived? The problem is most people think they've arrived and they don't want that type of coaching. They're too thin skinned, they're too sissified, they're too just whatever and they don't want to be great. You don't last there if you don't want to be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it took a little bit longer than that. But yeah, I mean, and, and I always take a, I always want to praise Randy. Cause Randy came in at 07.


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[Assistant] It helped our team is a brilliant football player, one of the smartest players I've ever played with and worked hard. Uhm, but you.


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[Assistant] You always see different wounds in people. Like, when you look at someone's history and their upbringing, you're like, okay, now I see why they move and react that way. I see why they respond to authority that way. I see why they, they, they can get so easily offended. You know, and so I love Randy. I mean, he just, he was a great teammate, um, great man, great father. He just, he's just an awesome dude.


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[Assistant] He got offended over about his contract price. And it kind of let him boil up in his heart and then, you know, before too long he was gone. But that's what's so unique about


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[Assistant] It doesn't matter who you are. Because like, it's, I always explain like this. Are you gonna let one cancer cell start floating around in your body?


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[Assistant] Not a chance. If you know it's there, you're gonna go kill that thing. And you're gonna do whatever, cause you know one is gonna become 75.


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[Assistant] And that's the way a team works. People don't treat the team mentality that way. So like, I don't care if you're a Fortune 500 company, my buddy owns Topgolf, you know, it's a five billion dollar business. There's a lot of the same thought process of like, I don't care if it's the HR person in the office in New York, like it's going to eventually affect the office in Seattle.


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[Assistant] Our, our, our process of thinking, like, we, we don't tolerate, uhm, me, me, me personalities. We don't tolerate, you know, what about my stats? We don't tolerate, you know, pride. We don't tolerate anything other than what's best for the team.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I think Randy's got two years. Maybe two years? Yeaah. Cause he was 90, 99 draft, right?


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[Assistant] Really? Yeaah. I don't know. Can I tell a Randy Moss story? For sure.


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[Assistant] We would do these private golf tournaments down in, at the breakers. And it was just a nine hole, I hated golf, you know, but it was the easiest way to raise money from rich people, so.


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[Assistant] Uhm. Especially Palm Beach bridge people. Exactly. So we would do this 9 hole golf course and I would bring in Randy and Brady and Mr. Krause. All these different people. And then people would pay 10, 15, 25 thousand dollars to golf with them. And they knew it was going to a great cause.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we're like three or four holes in and this lady on the golf cart comes by with all the gatorades and the peanut M&Ms and all the stuff is out there and stops at Randy's Hole and


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[Assistant] Uhm, you know, she is like, she's 15 months pregnant. She's, she's ready to pop. I mean, she is like, Randy, you know, has his tobacco in his, you know, mouth.


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[Assistant] I can't, I can't, I'm fine. The doctor says, I've got, I've got kids, I know, you can't be on your feet like this, you know, and he's like touching her belly and stuff, like just sweet as can be. She's like, sir, I need to work. Doctor says it's fine. Randy whips out a wad, and I mean a wad of hundred dollar bills and just hands it to the girl and tells her to go home.


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[Assistant] He knew she couldn't go home. She's not gonna just leave. But that's the Randy. That's why I hate the media.


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[Assistant] What's so bad about fake moon in somebody in Green Bay? Absolutely nothing.


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[Assistant] But we vilify people, like, I don't care, like, you can look at it in politics, you can look at it anywhere across the world.


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[Assistant] We vilify people for stuff, like if we're ever willing to look at ourselves like, I've mooned somebody before, not just fake mooned them, I've mooned them. It's shame culture, man. Yea, you know what I mean? But it's just like, oh, like, oh mighty me, I'm like, have you not looked in the mirror lately? No, it's bullshit. Cause I've done some screwed up stuff, so who am I?


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[Assistant] The number 11 shoulder pads are huge. Let's hear this.


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[Assistant] You just said in the practice squad, right? I mean, we had some doozies up there and good old Ralph Wilson. It was, uh, it was always too cold.


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[Assistant] They didn't get that money. I don't know. I'll have to ask Sean Alexander about that one. I haven't heard that story. That doesn't, that sounds more like a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds more like a Sean Payton than it does a Mike Holmgren, but uh, yeah, who knows? I might not put that past Mike. That's, it's pretty...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's now that stuff is like, so like the ladies pants that you guys wear that tries to make everyone's booties look better? Yeah. It's a lot like that stuff now. And Nike has mastered the lightweight feel of that stuff. Before I forget, Ray Rhodes was the guy that allegedly said that. Oh, no, no, Philadelphia. Okay, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have no doubt that Ray probably said that. So Ray was a defensive coordinator during my day in Seattle.


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[Assistant] There we go. So this is during his Seattle Seahawk days, alright. So he comes into the cafeteria with me one day and says, Heath? You know?


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[Assistant] Because you were asking questions about how sweaty things get panties, you know, will then cause you to chafe in all the not good areas. So maybe a good jockstrap, but this day and age those pants are so thin, I'm like, they really need to start putting stuff away. I'm like, ain't nobody trying to see that?


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[Assistant] He's got a lot. He's got a lot of stuff. But there it again, I just don't even know how that stuff's comfortable. You know what I mean? It is what it is.


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[Assistant] But yea, Nike's done a great job with the uniform.


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[Assistant] My thighs are so big, as soon as I put thigh pads on, I couldn't get hit in the junk. You know what I mean? So, yeaah. Uhm, I don't know anyone that's ever worn a cup like this.


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[Assistant] Yeah, how's your brain? My brain's good. Is it? Yeah. Negativity cells. That stuff's true.


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[Assistant] I just don't. I was at NFL Network for 7 years. There was 30 plus of us there that all played 8, 10, 15 years. William McGuinness at linebacker, Kurt Warner at quarterback, fullback.


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[Assistant] Not one of us. You know, one guy complained about headaches here and there. Yeaah. But of that whole population study. Yeaah. That had all been out of the league now 4 or 5 years. Yeaah. Some guys were 50 plus, some guys were 35. None of us have issues.


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[Assistant] So that whole concussion movie was full of a bunch of garbage nonsense. You know, it's media day and age.


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[Assistant] You know, clickbait stuff, like people just, negativity sells, fear sells, and it's hurting our game. And that's what I really hate about it, cause I think it's the greatest game in the world. And I think what football teaches, um, young boys how to become young men, how to be tough men that can,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, lead by example and push through pain, whether it's emotional pain, physical pain, uhm, or game, it hurts a game because people believe lies. And the numbers just don't support it, you know? Whether it's early onset, dementia, Alzheimer, suicide rate, drug use, alcoholism, all our numbers are better than the average male population that never played in the NFL.


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[Assistant] And the NFL doesn't want to do anything to defend itself. And uhm, it is, it is what it is, but when you, when you just let people control the narrative and you don't deliver truth,


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[Assistant] You gotta remember, like, I was a fullback. So like even, and I was third round, which third round is basically like the first round for fullbacks. Like everyone, there's people telling me because I ran a 4-4-4 and all, oh you're going first round. My agent was the coolest agent in the world.


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[Assistant] You're not going to the first round. You don't even need to start watching until maybe the late end of the second round. You're probably going to go in the first few picks of the third round. He was right, you know. So uhm, I, I just took the check and went to training camp. But you talk about, so my signing bonus, my original one was like five hundred and something thousand.


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[Assistant] You guys pay taxes in this crazy country we live in. So let's, uh, we're gonna go deposit 250,000 after everyone has been paid, then you pay your agent and everything else. So uhm, I'm never complaining about the money I made. I played 10 years, made great money. Uhm, but the most guys on the roster from, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 30-53, honestly probably 20-53 aren't making millions a year. Right. So, I mean, my best year


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[Assistant] Uhm, ever was my, my last couple and, you know, I was making about a million bucks a year. And that was amazing money. But it's not like everyone's like, oh, you, you make like 10, 12 million dollars a year. No, no, no, no, no. Those are the quarterbacks. You know what I mean? Uhm, and people always, you know, pay your agent, pay your PR team, pay this, pay that.


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[Assistant] Lamborghinis? No, heck no. Uh, Escalades, Range Rovers. Yeah, yeah. You know, that's cool. Uhm, stuff like that, you know. Maybe. But, but, but my, my, my rookie year Christmas, like I went. What's up with it dog? Like that chain right there.


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[Assistant] Are we going to wear this anytime soon? Yeaah. I got all my clothes free from Nike, so. That's kind of cool. I was like, whatever.


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[Assistant] It depends, like, so I was a Nike athlete my 10 years, so, you know, you have a catalog or a website, go on, log on, and then they just, they send you the stuff. You have a, based on your contract, you know, you have a certain allotment that you can spend, might be 10, 15 thousand dollars a year, some guys it's unlimited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, it was cool being in Seattle because we had the Nike Town downtown, so we could just, you know, call ahead, have my agent call, go down to the Nike Town, take my daughter shopping or family shopping. That's awesome. Dude, that's great. That's a cool perk. So that stuff's, um, you know, that was always, you know, fun stuff to do, but, you know. That's cool. I still should have played, you know, linebacker or something a lot more cooler than fullback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was a kickoff return for a touchdown. Seriously? You guys kicked it to me. And I housed it. Alright man.


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[Assistant] Now, how many teammates, so there, there's Kevin Randall, 21, Justin Kearse, 42. Look at you. Damien Caraballo, 44, do you still remember your teammates names? A lot of them, your brain still works pretty


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just kidding. Ah yeah, it would look, it would be pretty wild. It's funny, I don't, we remember the good place. I don't remember that fumble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys, you guys, uh, you beat us what, 14 to 12?


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[Assistant] I've drank once and it was like with my ex wife. It does nothing to me. Like it doesn't, uh, look at this big fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know. This video right here is hilarious. What is this? It's just something that makes


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta have, like the caption of that post was like, you need at least two or three friends like this that when you do something retarded, they're gonna laugh at you and make fun of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I got shot to hell and back about a year ago. And so, uhm, now I am, uh, building career number three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what is it though? I love people, so I am gonna blend my faith and fitness worlds, I'm gonna blend them together. I'm gonna give people, well, not me, I'm gonna try to give people healthy souls and healthy bodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The truth is we had a lot of miserable people in this world and most of them are the most successful people and they still can't find a happy place in this space, you know? And uhm, and so I, you sit back after working for NFL Network for seven plus years and you're like, alright, so now what do I do? You know? And uhm, there's a lot of options.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what I'm passionate about has always been people. Probably the same reason I pat you on your head after you hit me in the backfield and tackled me. You know, I just, I just love people. You know? So uhm, I don't have all the answers, but I know how to people, I know how to help people get healthy with their fitness stuff. Uhm, and I definitely know where to point people to find peace and contentment in this world. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been through a lot of crap that people, like, it's not the same circumstances, but people can be like, I can relate with this dude. You know, like, I was, I was better than most of the people around me in high school, but I wasn't Michael Jordan, I wasn't Kobe Bryant, I wasn't LeBron, I wasn't, you know, I wasn't Frank Gore, you know, uhm, all the, the Fred Taylors down there in our area, like, those guys were just the elites of the elites.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People have always been able to find a way to kind of find themselves in my story. And so, when I was kind of forced to go, alright, what am I going to do with the rest of my life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I just wanted to take my ability to be transparent and vulnerable and all my screw ups and everything else and be like, hey, why don't we come together?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she, that was her at the Arnold, uhm, uh, about six or seven weeks ago. That's a perfect match for you to do. You guys wake up like, let's drink a gallon of water. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well Jean, I'm going to be February 23rd at West Siloam Springs, Oklahoma at the Cherokee Casino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] February 28th through March 2nd, Madison Wiscamania at the Comedy Club on state. Tickets are moving very quickly for that, filling up fast. April 4th through 6th, Mini Appletits Minnesota at the Acme Comedy Club. May 10th and 11th, Tempe, Arizona at the Tampon Improv.


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[Assistant] May 34th through June, uh, 1st, Burbank, uh, Sperm Bank, California at the FlaPairs Comedy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then June 20th through 22nd, Washington Dickcome at the Dickcome Improv. Also, I've got some other stuff coming up. I'm gonna be looking at you, Chicago. I'm gonna be looking at you, Boston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so stay tuned for those dates, those will be in the summer sometime. Tickets at Christina P online. Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I squeeze like one tit in. That's how I did it today.


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[Assistant] I know, I keep thinking about what a charming gentleman he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and it's funny because we stopped rolling and we were taking photos with him and you were just ear to ear and I said to him, I'm like, listen, birth of the children didn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did I know, remember I was like, what's the opening clip? Is it going to be pussies, dick, fart?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when you're out on the road in your cool beaver bus, the bang bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But can I tell you that it's not that out there for- I feel like a lot of guys believe that. Like, my dad. I think that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you think that, look, there's a lot of older gentlemen out there that feel like young pussy is the fountain of youth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, that description, and also, cause you and I are really into the show Love After a Lockup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a guy on there who's married to one girl, they have one two year old and then they have another baby on the way she's pregnant. He's married to her and then now he's in love with another girl and he's gonna propose to the other girl. Women are both unaware of the other one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just out of prison, so he's on parole, like the guy doesn't have a job, he has nothing lined up, and his thrill is to be a liar face to these two women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he enjoys the attention of like, baby, I gotta go now. And that girl's crying and he's like, stop crying. Stop, stop, stop crying. I mean, keep crying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Either it's their drug addicts, their liars, their closeted gays or bisexuals, or they use the outside person for money on the inside. This one chick is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a lot of it. Yeaah man, I just- You think God gets that prayer a lot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely. Money, health, and then pussy licks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Look, if there's one lesson we've learned from love after lockup is that there's somebody for everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's true. Yeaah, with the internet now, you can find anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they always put that person in debt, the prisoner, the inmate finds a way to siphon the money out of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I know. Before we bum everyone out, I just want to say that I had such a wonderful time watching you with your hero, Big Daddy Kane. And, like I said, you don't really get joyful about much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it inspired me to reach out to my heroes and I'm currently on a campaign to get Kim and Kelly Deal in here of The Breeders. Uh, Kim Deal formerly the bassist for the Pixies. I'm a huge fan. You're a huge fan. You might know this. I got to meet Kim once on the street and I practically, I was with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't care about celebrities, but I do love the deal system.


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[Assistant] And he told me to talk to her and I did and I was so scared. But guys listen, so Kelly Deal, I've, I've reached out, Kim is not on Twitter, but Kelly is, and I've reached out on Twitter and she's so far retweeted my tweet. She's liked the tweet. I need your guys help to get Kim and Kelly on the show. So here we go guys, let's get mommy power on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is at Kelly Deal, K-E-L-L-E-Y-D-E-A-L. Uh, let her know. DEAL? Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and let her know that I would love to have she and her sister on your mom's house to plug any upcoming maybe concert dates. I know they tour as the breeders. Anyways, there you go. I'm putting it out there in the universe. That would be my Big Daddy Kane, so to speak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll notice that I haven't reached for the fart mic today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and I wasn't wearing any underwear under my pajamas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just farted, I feel like wet down my leg and I was like, I don't know where, where that's from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I threw them away. What?! They're in the trash can. It's just a little bit of shit. Wait, but babe, I just wanna- no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last night we had pizza, the cauliflower crust pizza with all those meat toppings. And so I, I sat down and do brown and it was like liquid came out of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kept, I kept, I was a little ashamed because by the time I'd figured it out, cause I thought, you know, I don't know what this is, and I sat down,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the time I'd figured it out, I was shitting already and I didn't want to call you in and tell you and then I was like, I should save it for the show because this is kind of a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but it made me think about the very important question, which is do farts push the shit out? And I have to say, in the case of a shart, yes they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe I sharted. 42 years old and I had my first like liquid shart.


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[Assistant] It's almost like one firing. Okay, that was devastating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two firings from sponsors is kind of crazy this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's always what they do before they fire you. They pump you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I think it would just be easier cause we've already got the set painted like a steakhouse that if we could actually have a steakhouse sponsor us it would just be more convenient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No misunderstanding, and also you may want to watch the show before you sign up to be our sponsor. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I had a hankering for a cheeseburger the other day, and I had the second, I can give it a second thought, before I tried going through the drive-thru, cause I don't want to get banned. Recognized with my children. Yeah, yeah. You know how that goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it is, Tom, some people's star shines too brightly for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see? My theory exactly. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. What do you think is true of what he's saying? That they're not smart enough to see what he's got to offer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, what bro? Fuck, I'm faded homie. That means it's true though, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, I think women are intimidated sometimes and, you know, we have to see, we have to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's saying it's the competitive nature in women that that's why he can't have a relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and he, he, but he's also saying, yeaah, that the woman is competitive and, and, and wants to take that star from him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I, I hear, I don't mean to, look, he is fabulous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that, we're gonna watch another clip of him. He's toned down the facial hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's, it cannot, it's not a great investment, Peter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy is a peacock. He's definitely a peacocker, you know. Letting everybody see his plumage and not everybody's worthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody just, you know, this is from a live thing he did on Instagram. And just for, you have to watch this guy on YouTube, by the way, if you're not watching this on YouTube. He's amazing. Somebody just wrote, you're fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean look at that outside one. The outside. Sure. Yea, the Cuban one there. It's very nice. You know what I like most is he's got a bedazzled hat on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see it's like a cheetah pattern or whatever and then he's got some sparkle on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he's got the, he's got an eye, his eyebrows are very fleeked, he looks like a genie, doesn't he?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Suicide by lethal injection, decades of psychotherapy, prison time, or in other, milder examples, had become gay or settled for men who in some way or another reminded


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 22 likes on this one. Hard rock neck. Woof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, so this is his bio. Uhm, born in Las Vegas, Nevada. Grew up in Manhattan Beach, California. Graduated from UC Berkeley on my 12th Mercedes Benz. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stats. Here's his other stats. Houses in Irvine Cove, Del Mar, San Francisco, West Hollywood, Las Vegas, of course, he writes in parenthesis, Dallas, Texas, and Tokyo, Japan. Over $30,000 worth of tattoos on my body. Okay. Usually shop at Bristol Farms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like Brody Stevens, like when he lists where he shops and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is the best. He averages one Amazon package a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. That's down from two a week this time last year. Oh. Worth a good $350 million. Not counting the house I live in. Wow. Prefer eating pussy from the back. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love, and I mean love getting my dick sucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost 300 pounds, but carry it like I'm 210 pounds. Alexa'd the shit out of my house. San Francisco 49er fan. Could live on sushi, in parenthesis, sometimes I do. Excelled at tennis and soccer in my youth, and could have easily turned pro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean listen, this guy averages one Amazon package a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Carries it like he's 210. No, but he looks 210. Yeah. I believe it. He looks great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's his other caption, ladies, I promise that having a fine ass boyfriend like me will literally make you cum the second I tap my dick on the, ugh, I can't finish this, thanks. I mean, I can't. I'll finish it for you. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. It's a little intense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This says, told my private chef to make protein style cheeseburgers and hold the fries for my lunch today because my new girlfriend is 18 and still in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so rich. Oh my god, that's really, looks really gourmet. It looks a little like In-N-Out, but I'm sure it's not In-N-Out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I'm thinking, I mean, if he's into- Adam might be too old for him. Oh, you're definitely too old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if anybody listening is interested in dating this guy, he's got 10 turn-offs in a woman in order, wait, 10 turn-offs in a woman in order of level of turn-off-ed-ness. So guys, uh, women, if you're listening and you're into hierachnic, here's the 10 things he does not like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Why don't we start with ten? Uh. Let's start with ten. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Laser, he likes him hairless. Number seven, prudish, sexually. Number six, never says thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it. He has a lot to offer. Number five, wears perfume from Walmart or TJ Maxx, et cetera. Okay. Four, wears too much makeup. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Well, he's very health conscious if you look at him and his diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smoker of any kind is number two and number one, non-caucasian is his big turn off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Well no wonder you can't find love. This is quite a tight list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bullshit. Well, he's from LA, right? He's a LA native. I'm gonna go Persian on-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I just, I know this type, dude. This is, this is definitely LA guy. Uhm. Two selfies for the best followers in the world. Happy Friday. Hashtag that cock bulge though. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would too, or Instacart, like if you're that rich, Instacart that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but more importantly, Josh, we were talking about you this weekend, and you're funny, you're lovable, we adore you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We order lunch here and last week everyone's ordering full meals and he's like, I'll have a cup of soup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How are you, but how are you burning off any energy? Cause you're not eating. So that you're not, you just have a high metabolism, it feels...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It keeps you focused, so that's sugar and caffeine. Sugar free. Oh sugar free. And then sleep. I don't know what you're doing for that. I don't either. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you talked to Dr. Drew about your ejaculation thing. So for those of us that aren't familiar, walk us through your problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember I've been, uh, two nights I spent, uh, in Detroit airport. Or just, I've been stranded there a couple times because of the weather. And then they shuttle you out to that fucking sad ass hotel, like a mile, and you're like, this is it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much do you think this guy is worth? Just eyeballing the jewelry, the, like look at his style. What would you guess?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he also shops at Bristol Farms, Gelson's or Whole Foods Market.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's a reasonable amount I should spend on his chain for his 40th birthday?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's done. That's so true. But a good piece can be timeless, like a good jacket can last for a good piece, you know, but, but fashion-y stuff, ehm, it's kinda silly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this quite literally is, I'll show you the pattern, that's the, he says show the camera, and then they'll bring it up. And then the jacket is, I don't know what, what is this called? Is this black, it's like old timey southern. It looks like, it looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, so you guys, you're telling me that you have to take a shit, so there's one toilet in the room with both of you. Now how do you, do you get used to shitting in front of the other guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you guys kind of work it out, like, hey, get the fuck out of here, I have to shit. They know. And do you have toilet paper?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's guys like that, uh, they keep calling and calling and they don't get the pic, they don't get the message that you're not interested. They do do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's older, he de- Marshall sounds like he's at least 30. Like this is a kind of excusable when you're 1920.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go on the gold chain. Geez damn! Well our kids won't go to college, it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty good. Have you ever had a lady lick your scrum? Yea, it was amazing. Really? Yea, of course, of course it is. But you're not a hairy guy. I'm guessing you're not. No, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should do it. No, you should do it. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a while. Oh. Oh yeaah, you put it, there's these pins now, uh, I believe the employees, they, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Press pause, we just blacked out for a minute here. Oh, did we? Yea, and it does. Okay. Our computers went down for a minute. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow, now we're back. Alright, that was easy. Yeah, it does seem like a privileged fucking problem. I was just reading on Twitter, uhm, about weight privilege. What's that? It's a, well, just when you think you couldn't feel shittier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta check your weight privilege. Did you know that because you're, uh, quote, normal weighted, that it's a privilege? And you need to check it now. Because if you're not overweight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This morning, I had my first official shart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you find that when you're sick or you have diarrhea, doesn't your body kinda shut it down when you perform? Like the adrenaline kicks in and like your body knows like, oh we can't shit right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so goth kinda, I like it. No, I had a phase of that. Yeah, kinda dark. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we haven't discussed it yet, but I know, uh, you know, he has Greek jeans in him and I see his chest hair coming out of his shirt sometimes. Yeah. Oh, okay. Maybe Chris wants them too. Chris wants it. Apparently has some hair. Oh, but this isn't going to be for the arms. Can we do it? Can we have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Harvard Law School. This is a big day for all of us. That's why I've decided to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mommy Tom. Mommy Christina. Coming at you from your favorite camera angle. Let me give you a glimpse into my mattress situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, ym, youtube.com slash ymh clips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Haha, you disappointed. You got me wrapped around your finger. Cute. But that's all you're getting. I'm exhausted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had no idea. No wonder he wanted to give us a ride again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No thanks. Well my favorite is that the second guy's car reeked of cologne. I wanted to throw up the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eh, he's a human being. Maybe the guy's tired. Maybe he doesn't feel like fucking taking pictures with you, asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] January 10th, here in Hollywood, California at the Comedy Store. I'm headlining the main room. Get your tickets for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] February 28th through March 2nd, Madison, Wisconsin at the Comedy Club on State.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] April 4-6, many apple tits and a soda. Finally I'm going there. I've never been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're doing the acne, acme, not the acne. Not acne, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then June 20th or 22nd, Washington.com at the DC improv. All ticket links at Christina P.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the things that Martin taught us is not ideal. Well, I'll tell you what. I don't actually drink the bottle, the water that comes in that bottle. I refill it at our house. I don't like to waste the plastic. And truth be told, I know I bought reusable containers for water. I don't like them. They taste like plastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's your tap water I'm drinking. That's filtered water. Tastes like my house. Yeah. Thank you. You got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then do you beat yourself, cause it sounds like he's really beating himself up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was just gonna say is that I accidentally clicked on thumbnails I thought were one direction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't upset you, but I like, I like their tactic cause it's like, I'm gonna throw it in there. I'm gonna just throw the hook out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you never know if he's gonna be like, oh wow, wow, you're cute too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are the guys that fish on the Santa Monica Pier, like you know you're not gonna catch good fish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but like how many of those girls were like, oh my god, you're so sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I remember one time the guy said that to me. I literally, I forget even what he said, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I do like the positive approach. I'd rather have a guy. Of course. It's better, it's better now that you're here, girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hilarious. Right. Implying that it plays with adults.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and also, Kevin has apologized already. That was his point. And secondly, he's already addressed it. It's the corporations who acknowledge these. First of all, if you talk to the average person on the street,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't see anybody outraged. I, I don't think most people give a shit. It's these weird marginal groups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess on the internet that are coming after these corporations and then the corporations kowtow to this lunacy. So if the, whoever's hiring Kevin just goes, oh really, you're upset? Too bad. Kevin Hart's our guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instead of like appeasing these dummies, it's ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. And also, you know what's happening too, I think, is a lack of context, like what you're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that people are taking things out of context. It's kind of the way we read tweets. You only read a hundred and whatever characters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And completely out of context of space and time, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uhm, we need to stop apologizing as comedians and also, I'm not sure the apology gets you anything anymore. Because you'll apologize and then you're probably still gonna get fired anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It serves no purpose. I think we should do what Donald Trump is great at doing, which he never apologizes. And that's actually a really smart move. He doesn't. He's like, oh fuck you. Well look at him, he gets away with murder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the media, I'm saying, cause he's like, no, fuck you, this is what I'm doing. And in a way I respect that, cause it's like, okay, that's the tactic. Don't apologize. Cause why are we rewarding these marginal idiots?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a fucking stupid witch hunt. It's a social justice warrior witch hunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But rest assured, I'm, there's no comedian, I've never met a comedian in the history of comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whose intent is to hurt people's feelings? That's never the fucking intent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not why anybody picks up a microphone and sacrifices everything in your life for a decade just to get paid a nominal amount of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To tell jokes to people, to hurt them, that's not why we do this, right Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you travel across the country and go into severe debt for a decade? Missed birthdays, holidays, new years, everything to make people pissed off. That's why you did comedy, right? To offend gay people, to god forbid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what we're gonna put on the death list. Remember we had the, the, the, the person, uh, we're gonna execute the, who listened to videos loudly or make...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well I have a list of people I wanna kill and it's gonna go, this isn't gonna be the next. People who don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many great comedians that have made fun of all these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I like basketball. I grew up playing basketball here and there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're gonna go to a basketball game again? Yeah, I like tennis too. We can get tennis tickets, I don't know what the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeah, and I've never seen a game live, like I've never been to Staples Center actually, I'm embarrassed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bunch of big dudes running back and forth on the court. That is first what I think of and then I compare their dick sizes in my head. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm. Do you think his balls are big in proportion to his penis or it's just a long dick and the normal size balls? Do you know what I mean? Like do the balls get bigger too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you wanna know something crazy, Gene? What? I had a dream last night that you and I were doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that crazy? Like you were you, you were Tom-colored.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn it. And then your, but your dong was like a big black one. And I swear it's because I was watching the Lakers and I was like, dude there's not one white guy on this team, right? There's like, there's no Larry Bird anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What their dick and balls smell like after a game?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, let's talk about this. The compression- Tell me! The compression pants, are they porous? Or are they sweaty? So it's probably not good for your junk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I grew up in the era of Shaquille and Kobe. And I never, unfortunately, I never got to see them live play. I did watch the games on television.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh please, oh please. Now, who is it? Was Magical Johnson there last night? No, no, the other guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kareem's? No. It's an assaulter. It's a big hog. I bet you Kareem's got the biggest dick of all of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just because he's long and lean. Well, they're all long and lean. Not Shaquille. Shaquille's meat and cheese. He's tall and he's meat and cheese. He's built like a football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They all have long, lean ones. How do you know this? I don't know. My mom dated them. I swear to God. All of them? I don't know. She dated a few of them. What? Yea, my mother- She dated a few? I promise you, when she came to the country,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember Curly? Curly was a short one. Now, do they still have the Harlem Globetrotters? Yea, they still do their thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now there's a fucking asshole next to us who was loudly rooting for the other team. So disrespectful. He was like really rooting for them. And I was like, motherfucker, you're in LA, bitch. Sit down. He was wearing like a fucking suit, like a douchebag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've been getting emails of people, people who've known me for years are like, Hey Christine, I'm like, what is happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not, not, I do not look like Angelina. Yeaah, that girl does look like me, I can see that. Except I don't, I have brown eyes. Christy? Christy, yeaah. Has someone sent this in as like, this looks like Christina?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My ass is terrible. It's disgusting. It's always been disgusting though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too. There's something so pure about this whole thing with Julia and Joe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there's different parts of Good Morning Julia that I fixate on every now and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I, what I've been hearing in my head lately is, open up your heart and your arms to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause, cause I thought, at first I thought it was open up, yahot, in your arms. And then I'm like, oh no, he's saying AND your arms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're getting a lot of free stuff here. Here's the trade. Right, right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A home. Right. I got, I can do all this stuff for you, you can make my babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't have to pay a contractor, that's the best part. This is all free labor. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The overkill, yeaah. This girl's my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Kelsey. Kelsey, I love you. And I love your facial hair. The goatee is horrendous. His goatee is in the 90s too. Joe is also not fashionable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's clearly a performer. Yeah, it's awesome. Including this child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was jamming with her on Instagram. Yea, and I go, thank you for doing the show. You did amazingly. The audience is gonna love it. And she goes, well, just so you know, I have some other videos. I have to go check in my other phone. Give me a few hours. I'll be right back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what it was, so she sent me two videos and she goes, so my friends and I were kind of trying to bait him into making another video for us, for me, for Julia. And this is what he sent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they were trying to get him to be, to act a fool a little bit more, cause like, eventually she and her friends were just having a great time with it, cause it's, you know, mortifying. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he's about to whip his peener out and he's about to frantically masturbate. Let's watch it again. Oh no I can't!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, and my favorite is the playful laugh. It's like yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Julia's like, send me another video, come on, please. And he's like, aww, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Sexy time. That's, that's what I'm saying. Like he's like, she's like, send me another video. Come on. Try it. You know, try and bait him probably. And then he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's dark in there, it's poorly lit, so he's like, I'm just laying in the dock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she's great. She's a sweet and lovely person. That is so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what he wants to say in this last video, but he dialed it back to like, ha ha ha, look at, look at what you've done to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got that Alec Baldwin. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, shit. So wait, so you were one of those costume people, and so what's the worst part about that kid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no they do. I know radio people train accents, you can train it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Cause look, he's an entertainer. It's not that, look, we're not ripping on his music. No, or his talent. Also don't you get curious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's rad. I saw her in Atlanta once in an air, in the airport in Atlanta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I leave them. I would only ever, ever do it to one person, which is Howard Stern, because I love Howard Stern.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, simplified. I wouldn't bother like Brad Pitt, I don't give a fuck about-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, who else? So, first of all, most importantly, who's got a bigger dong? Shaq or Jordan? Go ahead, Adam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm sorry, I'm going into the Rolodex of Dicks of my past.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think of the hands, the hand to dick ratio, and I think you're right, it's not the hand to dick ratio, it's not the hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a maze bag. Those hands are huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going through my Rolodex and I'm telling you that there have been shockers where I've been like, this guy will have an average one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be like underwhelming, like highly underwhelming. I've had that. I've had modest, like really insecure guys who you're tall and not, not swagger, but you're like, that one's got a big one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. That's the thing is you're always hoping it's gonna, you never, you really don't know. It's a crapshoot every time. I'm just saying that there's, when I look back, it really, there really is no formula.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was because I wasn't kind of, I wasn't into it. Because it looked like it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I never, we never did it, but I did see it. You know? But that guy was small. That guy was... That guy was small. Satcher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would never freaking know he was a poor raking guy, you sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I couldn't have- I was trying to have a one night stand. That's what I was trying to do. And I- I'd never done it before. You were my first one night stand, you know that. I ended up fucking marrying the one guy that I tried to do it. I'm terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like trying to talk me into it and I was like, no bro, cause this is the 90s. Like I said, I was very nervous about STDs and fucking AIDS and shit. Yeah. He didn't say just a tip. He didn't say that phrase, but it was that just the tip thing. Yeah, just come on. Let me just, let me just, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she gets preggers. Oh jeez.


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[Assistant] You know, now that I see this again, the trailer, they're trying to make it into like a rom-com, like a comedy, and I have a feeling the way that it was shot was probably more respectful of dwarves and of the story. And then they were like, hey, you gotta make this for the general audience. Yeah, like let's make this a wacky comedy, and you're like, but it's not funny, and that's why it's not adding up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one, this is all you're getting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, do you think Tom, one question, do you think that if Joe's been made aware of the relentless taunting that we've been giving him, that he would...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Learn the error of his ways. Do you think that this experience would have changed him or is he the kind of guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, is he cognizant enough now to realize that what he did to Julia was so fucking inappropriate and wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the meet and greets, our mommies are probably gonna be like, hey Hitler, wear him up, four stroke gang, high and tight. He's like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or how about this, I challenge, this is to the mommies, I know you can do this, cause you guys have risen to every challenge we've ever posed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If somebody here can meet Garth Brooks, get a video of you meeting him at a meet and greet or something. There you go. And throw out some moms, your mom's house phrases. That would be the ultimate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to invest in wipes at this point. Uhm, they're more discreet to carry into the bathroom than a roll of your own toilet paper, which is another suggestion, I would say, by a high quality and just, but then you don't want a girl to see you walk in the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you guys just have like a stack of rolls in the toilet and then you take it.


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[Assistant] But I used to, in our dorms, the showers are right there. So you could shit and then go straight to shower. It's a little gross in a communal setting, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta keep your b-hole clean if you wanna get laid, and I know that's a priority for college guys out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But wait, Tom and I, do you remember people on, have you ever seen people on Instagram that were like, a lot of people have been asking about this shirt I wear. I was like, nobody's asking you, dickhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I'll tell you finally, once and for all, I'm only gonna say it once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your girl uses, I'll tell you, there's a few different shades, but the brand is called Smashbox and it's made specifically for like television or long wear. That's why I wear it, it lasts forever on stage. The color I generally wear is called Infrared, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ashley, I'll tell you real talk, that this whole discussion about the water champ came because Tom peed in the shower with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it smelled like someone had dumped a carafe of coffee in the shower.


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[Assistant] Now how does Jack Nicholson take a piss during the Laker game? Because won't he just get swarmed by fans?


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[Assistant] And those Laker girls, they make what, $50? Not a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jack Nicholson did not get famous until he was about 28 or 30 years old.


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[Assistant] So easy writer he does when he's 28. That's like his big one.


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[Assistant] Now you look at somebody like Justin Bieber who's been busting nuts since he was like- That's true.


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[Assistant] I'm sorry, Shining. Shining. The Shining is what? 1980 or something, right?


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[Assistant] But he doesn't have as much Stanema, Tom.


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[Assistant] If he's starting fucking at like late thirties. So he may, you know what I'm saying, Viagra didn't come around until when? Early 2000s.


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[Assistant] I'm all outta cum. That's his last movie. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] You've got to have daddy issues. If you're begging Nicholson, he's always been old. So you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's always been old. I've never seen him young in a film. Yeah. Same with Doris Leach, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about Burt Reynolds? Talk about a smash machine.


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[Assistant] The king of showbiz, that guy was banging it. Now what about a guy like Leonardo DiCaprio? Oh, legendary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what about Kurt Cameron when he was on Growing Pains? Was he, was he Christian then? So he wasn't smashing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A person with sympathy and I can put myself in other people's shoes. Uhm, I just don't, I don't like seeing others get hurt.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, because it's not accidental. Those are adults, they're consenting, and they're doing it of their own free will. That looks like an accident. When they're accidental, it's like, oof, they didn't want to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No thanks. He says some other neat things. All good, all done. No. Next, push, no push.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I wanna be with you and make you feel like a woman and make you forget about that ex of yours and slit his throat and I just, I just know we're gonna have a good time together and go full trottle baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? I know. What the fuck?


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[Assistant] Yes. I just, I don't know. I thought you were great on that.


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[Assistant] Is that right? I didn't mean to do that, I'm sorry. Oh, it's okay, man. So, you know, let's uh, a lot of X-Men characters don't get there, truly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sports fan. Well yea, that I wasn't a theme park character. That's true. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not the Hollywood Boulevard though, like actually inside the theme park. And not that I want to knock the guys that cruise the boulevard with like peanut butter shoes and stuff, but like.


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[Assistant] Those guys I think got it really bad cause they're trying to like, at Universal people know you're supposed to be there. That's right. At the boulevard people are like, alright Elmo, I was looking to go check out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Ripley's Believe It or Not, and now you're accosting me for six bucks.


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[Assistant] She wore the spandex, you know, muscly suit with the fake abs, the fake chops, the fake fangs. I actually went in there one summer, my boss, who was like a former Disney princess turned head of the characters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won't say her name on this, Jenna, but she was like kind of, kind of the worst and like because she kind of took it out, like just had a sense of entitlement and she pulled me in one summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and you know, I, uh, look, I could be in better shape, but at this time, I feel like I was in pretty good shape, even for being a fake fucking theme park character. And I'm like, you're giving me fake abs, so you're already telling me I don't gotta do a ton of work on my own. But I was fine. And she pulls me in and she goes, hey, so uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, uh, you know, where, uh, where universal people come in, they wanna meet Captain America, Spider-Man, and Wolverine, and I go, yeah, it's awesome, right? Fucking people think that we're the real people, this is crazy. And she goes, yeah, and you are. And so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the guy who plays Captain America has a bumper sticker on his escalator that says nobody's ugly after 2am, right? Like none of us are the real guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there was this like, you know, attitude of like, these kids think you're- and they did, like, and I didn't know shit.