[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, like, we didn't do a shiva and Rachel Feinstein drove out to Long Island with her husband and like left a challah and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It turns out that people, a lot of people are dramatic and get very upset over little things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I don't understand that at all. Uhm, I understand it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Worn a mask is when I'm shitting, when I have to smell my own shit. Dude. I've put on a mask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, I wear, I usually wear the mask and I wipe with the gloves and then I just throw the gloves out. You know, I just peel them off and throw them out. And uhm, and then use it again, the same gloves when they dry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you kidding? I would, you guys, your fans are the best fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I love you guys, I'm thinking about you a lot, and uhm, and I will definitely, if I do this thing, you know, yelling out to a doctor and bash my head with a pan, I'll have someone film it. Please do. And I'll send it to you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My goodness! Oh no, no! They're fake. They're gotta be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you something. I am proud of being American. I am proud to be living in a small town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anybody treads on this town, I'ma put my boot right up your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. We all have different sexual and romantic orientations. I am demi and polysexual. Poppins is polysexual in the opposite direction in that I am not sure like women and Poppins definitely doesn't like men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thorn is asexual and not sure about, uhm, if or who they like romantically. Vick is aroace. Red doesn't know, but yet, but is pretty sure that when she goes up she's going to like girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pigeon is pansexual, uhm, we are all different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do, but it's easy. Anything that you don't like about them, you just make it about you. Just say, hey, I know, like, no, it's nothing about you, it's just that I have a really, like, particular, like, you know, taste buds and everything, like, I just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I sense it more than others, so if you could just for me, you know, like, maybe brush more or whatever, or just take a piece of gum or something, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make it about me so it's like, she, I feel bad about it. She doesn't have to feel bad about herself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you, Tinder. I'm sick of your fucking bullshit. Thank you for fucking banning me. TikTok, what's up? This is now my, uh, dating app. You think I'm cute? You like fat bitches? You're above 18? Hit me up. Doesn't matter what gender. We can work with whatever. It will go in my mouth either way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm not gonna lie, I probably should have just went on home and left it alone. But for some reason,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finally, he gets out, he's got a video camera and shit, and everybody says, no, don't hit him, don't hit him. He's going to call the cops on you. And I said, well, let's do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All he did was harass fucking churches and harass-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, I'm gonna tell you right now, the dude actually is an artist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I heard he was really good with his artwork and he could whip shit up really fucking quick. I think maybe he took some LSD and never came back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it was winter time, you know, in construction, you ain't pouring a lot of concrete. So I was just basically crawling on here and I watched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I ain't gonna be true, but he's got a kid somewhere in Missouri and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First, since I've been in contact with him, like my face, my YouTube, uh, gets like thousands of hits and shit from him and people comment and shit and sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cringe. Do you ever eat poutine? Have you ever had poutine? What's that? Have you ever had poutine? I love poutine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's also great. She's great. You love her. Yeaah. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it is very offensive. That's offensive. That is offensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is she Puerto Rican? Yes, 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying to make sure the YouTube algorithm doesn't pick it up, cause...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean yea, like it, look, I think you just put it on YouTube, right Zolo? Yea, it's just on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't think, I think he just had like three videos, right? And I think he posted a video from the last time he ran.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like he's consistently, you know, just trying to make, trying to be the change that he wants to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For porno. Where is the limit for porno? Because you can shoot a regular movie, mainstream movie, and they know it's a mainstream movie, and you know, they know it's a script, and they know it's not true. But this, so the pornography have that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Power. Then the people believe that these things are happening for real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, she was 19, 20, with just the rest. So different. Big difference. That's it. Oh man, you know, like, fuck really, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, probably, I mean, two or three, maybe four times a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, officer, he just pissed on the ground. Officer? I don't believe this. He just pissed on the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just, you can see the puddle. You can see the puddle right underneath. That's pissed, folks. That's not hydraulic oils. That's pissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ships in kind of parallel worlds or realms and they're actually in schools where they learn about what living on Earth is like because they are going to be coming here eventually. Right. Probably sooner than we think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Darman fam, I hope you loved that message. Please remember, we're not just telling stories, we're changing lives. And when you share my videos, you're helping to change lives too. I appreciate you, and I'll see you in the next video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YouTube is trying to fuck our shit. Fuck that. We got to do that. Film it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey blue band, your people killed Christ and you need to pay the price. Ask for forgiveness or you meet your maker now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, come on, let's just fucking come on, dude. It just, come on. The fucking vaccine. Just give it to us. I want to just take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want people to realize that I'm a Christian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to put a sink in, but it isn't going to happen because the hole is too big and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what you do and how do you fill it in? You're like, you know, a couple boulders. What do you do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Par 4. Oh my goodness, that's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely man, I've, I've missed how this was. Yeaah. It's like, it feels like everything's normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she asked me to, she's like, I want to talk to Nadal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, you're, uh, Tommy going to get me an iPad Pro, right? I was like, for what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nothing that's gonna take me off of Team Tom. There we go. I'm a company man. Yeah, we're friends. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because the Poutine was just like, there's no way you could trick yourself into thinking it's something else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He hasn't gotten his, uh, stripes yet to be a captain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here he is. Oh, that guy. What's going on with the face tattoo? It's a very slow, slow, slow process. Is that real? Yeah. It's going to take up to maybe two, three years for it to actually see some major, major results. What? But sometimes certain lighting makes it look darker and certain light in your light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they can learn everything about you and trust you. This means keeping low, so you are less frightening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When wolves greet they will want a lick inside your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sharp movements will frighten and shock them, making you look threatening. So gently, gently is the answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's Zoom? And she's like what? For iTunes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got me. Cock suckers. And it gets men in my business. Who? You realize this. I don't care about being gay. And I never will be. Anyone who is, you're gonna need to find someone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wha- wait, are you phobic? Are you non-massive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on? The talk for the listeners you can't see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there one like above it, native? You gotta see her brush her teeth, it's fucking insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kept me in a good mood for a long time, Santa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could probably get them guys. Do you know how I could probably do that, Chief? Personally, I would start with, uh, the chief downer. He's a new chief. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy that's pickin' on the wolf pack? Dude, tell you one thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're too much of a fucking coward to hide behind a fucking black screen, come at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll give you my fuckin' home address. I don't give a fuck. But you better bring-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, can I tell you what I was gonna do the other day? The day when we were talking about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I'm trying to help you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh fuck, I thought it was an article about his tiny eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it feels right to talk about buttfucking because Tom and I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About them demonetizing? Yes. Yeah. It's very upsetting. Especially when we're putting out the most important content in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a show. We cover all the most important current events.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has been quite a world wind, as they say. A world wind of, uh, of emotions. Some people say world wind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody must be acknowledged and included all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know if you're not putting them in your bio on Instagram, how are we gonna know how to, and if you're not wearing a pin with your pronouns, how am I gonna know how to identify?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you cancel the gas station? Take it out of existence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're healthy, but you should also be proud of all of them and you should broadcast what makes your day hard all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and I like to see tweaker energy going to making art and something positive. That's really kind of cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that feeling of not being able to sleep and you're tired, I can't even imagine that that's pleasurable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then to not regulate your emotions, like to, to go from, like you said, like, haaah, to talk to you. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I will say when my stepsister was on it in the 90s, she said she really liked having her meth body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just played yourself. But I'm so glad to see this guy, uh, come back into our world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's so great because Nadav named his file the best name for a file, I think, ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think gave him all those wrinkles? Cause his arms aren't as wrinkly as his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like that time I went to the dentist and they said I needed 13 cavities. Can you believe that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, Yana, may I present my side of the story?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, fine. I agree. I'm not, I'm not disputing that. However, Yana, might I add, I went to a dentist, non-Armenian, I'm not sure what his race was because I don't see race or color. And any hoodles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went to Burbank because it was near my office that I worked at where I got dental insurance, and I presented my dental insurance card so they knew I had the insurance, and then the guy, he's like, we'll do a full set of x-rays, and then he gave me this spiel too, you have several cavities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The point is a similar thing happened to me and I don't know why, why we can only have singular experiences and a plurality of experiences.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And did he compliment you on your flossing or did you get lectured on your lack of flossing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't get any kind of talking to. No talking to. Did they tell you to brush your back teeth more? Cause I often get that note and I resent it because I do brush a lot. I brush frequently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not the same as flossing, A. B. He's so gross, so hold on. Not only is his mouth disgusting, and then he takes outdoor showers, pool showers, the majority of his time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is, does he use soap in the outdoor shower? Yes. Okay, that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Purcell is screaming. Uhm, that's amazing. You had, so for those of you just listening, he had a custom made keg of my huge tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you even got the mushy perps in there. They're kinda dark nips. Did you tell them to go dark on the nipples? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happy birthday to you. It actually was a really beautiful cake and delicious. Go ahead and read the message. It says happy birthday to you and your huge tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, yeaah. That was really cool. And uhm, aren't they any blushed a little bit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And I said, go cut the cake. And I handed him the knife and I'm like, how happy does this make you to finally cut up tits like you've been wanting to do for so long? And then he did. Big smile. There's the tit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did she? All that violence? Yep. Did it say Christine? Did you make her do Christine? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we had a great celebration and, uh, I'm excited. I'm excited to be in my mid-forties now. Uh, oh, speaking of, shout out to the TikTok community.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of cool things I do, I am so proud of Generation Y.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They punked Trump so fucking hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To request seats to his, uh, that rally in Tulsa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is so crazy though. He was saying on his speech, they showed a, I watched a BBC snippet of it and it was like, he was like, they're telling you to stay indoors. They're telling you to wear those masks. You came tonight, you're warriors. Like, oh my God. You were telling us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chaos. You know, I don't wanna talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, and by the way, I don't think Trump stands for like helping other people and helping your neighbor. I don't think I've never heard him be like, and help your neighbors. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying it's not a platform, he's popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's so embarrassing. These commercials are generally embarrassing, but that was... That was so bad. Like, if you fall for this shit...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what reminds me? There's an incel documentary that I would love to see. That, uh, sorry, it was on Amazon Prime and then they pulled it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's on BBC, but I can't download it. Can you? There it is. Inside the secret world of incel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's that one and then there's the Amazon Prime one. Google down. That's some acronym that I don't understand. It's like INT without girlfriend. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Google, okay, so that is the one I'm looking for. You said TFW. No, no, hold on, hold on. There is this one. It's called Inside the Secret World of Incels. Inside the Secret World of Incels. So if anybody can send that to us, I would love to see that. That's on BBC. It's unavailable in the U.S. And then there's another one on Amazon Prime. Just Google Incel Documentary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazon Prime, and it was released in March of this year, and then it was taken down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was supposed to debut at South by Southwest Festival and was unveiled this week on Amazon. So I looked and it's not there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except for the forgotten regions. Yeaah, so for some reason it's not available. It's called TFW. No GF.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but I'm curious to see it, so please send it to us if you find, if you could get those, that'd be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I think like what you just said is, it's so accurate, like when you heard the news of other people doing it, and you're like, yeah those are comedians, but they're not comedians in our immediate circle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause here's the deal, like we, and people go like, you guys always- Oh yea, that's such nonsense. Well here's the thing, we knew that Chris liked girls, we didn't think he liked girls. Do you know what I mean? Well yea, I mean-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's not to say we don't believe the girls that have come out. It's just saying that to us it's a shock because you do know this person on a level. On a certain level, yea. And you go like, oh my god, is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your whole world is kind of reoriented. And in our community, it's a bomb. It's an atomic bomb. And it's so upsetting. And I think for days you and I were just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so too, and look, I'm all, we gotta call out dudes for doing fucked up shit. I'm all about it, and yep, go ahead, we're gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have to show that we're not afraid and that we're powerful as women and that we're, we can now speak out. And then, you know, and it's totally a right thing to do. Now, long term, you go, okay, now that we've,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cancel this guy. Is that gonna deter all the other guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cancel it. He shouldn't be able to continue to do what he's doing and let's make him pay. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you, as a female, speaking as a white, cis-gendered female,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I didn't want to go there either and I got passed when Tommy was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, something was not, nothing was ever done to me. But yea, you just, you felt it. But now, like you said, since it's been, it's this new shift of government there. It's kind of, it's a great open place. And so many women have been passed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't feel a single iota of threat or ookiness now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, it's all changing, and I think we have to accept that. Now, that being said, when I started comedy, yeaah, it was a way creepier vibe in general. That was 15 years ago, and I think we're cleaning it up, and it's, it's, I think it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen it. I know. I've heard like, you know, stories of creepers back in the day at the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're still processing this, so please forget us here, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're essentially trying to cancel the crazy guy. Satan? Right, like he's a crazy guy on a park bench.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think too, um, if, if there was an actual woman that came out and was like, I, this really happened to me. He did this. We won't be sitting here talking like this. It's a different story. And also like, first of all, I'm totally against policing anybody's fucking reaction to anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anybody can laugh at anything they want to at any time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you fucking tell me what to laugh. It makes me crazy. And secondly, I think when people laugh at Joey, you're laughing at the insanity that you're hearing, not because you're agreeing with his politics or you're agreeing with his behavior. You're actually horrified by the behavior. And you're like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And guess what? No one talks like this. And the woman in the room is okay. I survived hearing the tale. Because you know. It's okay, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a band playing next to us and he's in front of a slot machine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how crazy this guy is. So, can you not, don't even try, you can't cancel crazy guys. I don't think he's a predator. I don't fucking think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the end of the day, I believe in this women's movement. I believe it all needs to go down. It does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at some point, we have to live with the opposite sex. Men and women have to live together on this planet. We gotta figure out a way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I understand women are mad, we're mad, because we've been fucked with for so long. I understand it, and we need to over-correct it before we can come to some sort of resolution. But there gotta be, there has to be a better solution than just shame the guy, take away his livelihood, which is all great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? But don't you, I mean, that doesn't deter other creeps. That's what I'm saying. In the long run, is that gonna stop a creep?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's not rich and famous from being a creeper? I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's her name? Lakshmi? Pardon me, Lakshmi Bing? I don't know. The point is, uh, we try to entertain, we try to be funny, and we're not doing anything illegal. That's a big fucking difference between hurting somebody's feelings and doing something illegal. So go fuck yourself if you're offended. Go cry. Go cry in your fucking diaper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean this is my, I've never been butt fucked. So let's put that there front and center.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel as though, butt fucking, there's a little more stuff going on. You gotta clean your asshole out beforehand. That's gonna make you tired. You might be bracing yourself for the penis about to go into a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to be like, relax, relax, relax. Whereas with your vagene, you're more relaxed naturally because it's like, oh, I've been there, I've done that. I don't, I don't anticipate any pain usually. You know, you're not clenching up, but again, I don't know, speculation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yana, I have brought a case to the court.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other day we were comparing resting heart rates amongst friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said, oh, mine is this number, the other friend's, and mine's this number, all very healthy numbers, cause I'm a fit mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you go, oh, my number is blah, blah, blah. So low.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I thought to myself, yeah, but you have this weird heart condition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do not have still a dental valor. That is a true story. I can call Eric Lindy and have him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The key glory. I am the seeker. Everybody knows it. I am the seeker. You won't let me have that glory. You're the seeker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay. Now, the fact that she can speak clearly means there's nothing in her mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm gonna go with not dick sucks. Originally I thought dick sucks. Obvi. So it's not a dick suck. I'm thinking she said there's a fist and a cock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go with she's got a fist in her b-hole and a cock in her v-hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I thought something was up there. And I, you know what's funny is I always tell Tom, I'm like, dude,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does he have an OnlyFans account?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love brooklin and sheets. We sleep on them right now. I've bought them for our own blue band. He's enjoying them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, we're using promo code Mom, but do you know about their towels? Their towels are amazing. Give your daily routine something a little extra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With varying levels of plushness, the towel of your dreams is waiting to wrap you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm still getting up and showering every morning to have some semblance of a routine and Brooklyn and towels are so plush. It's like the perfect hug to start my day off. Right. And you know me, I used to not dry off all the way. Well, with my Brooklyn and towels, I relish the experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brooklinen is the perfect place to find all the comforts for home, including ultra soft towels. They're so confident in their product that everything comes with a lifetime warranty. Use promo code MOM for 10% off your first order at Brooklinen.com. That's B-R-O-O-K.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] L-I-N-E-N dot com promo code. Mom, Brooklyn and everything you need to live your most comfortable life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, now this is a continuation of the first part of the show. But in all seriousness, I was so blown away by Taylor when we did the Comedy Store in La Jolla together. And this little girl, when you were five years ago,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, and was back then, a fucking killer, bro. A killer. A killer. I mean, to see somebody so young, so put together, and your act is great, and most people don't have much to talk about when they're very young, but I feel like you really had great topics, and your structure was so good, your performance, and


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[Assistant] Anyway, I'm so blown, and Bert Kreischer's a huge fan of yours as well. And he turned me on to you. He's a huge fan. And anyway, when the fuck did you even start stand-up?


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[Assistant] But I have to ask you about church comedy, because that seems like the most awful place, like you said, coffee houses and churches, probably the worst places to be funny, cause what the fuck are you gonna, what's the joke in church? And what do you, what was your first joke?


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[Assistant] Wait, so what's your first church joke? So, is it like, knock knock, who's there, Jason's dead, Nailed to the cross.


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[Assistant] I think because I'm so jaded and dark and I like guys stuffing nuts in their butts that I can't even imagine an act that's not full of filth and smut and butt fucking.


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[Assistant] You're gonna be fine. It'll come back eventually. It'll come back eventually. You have to remember that this is just a moment. And the good news is everybody watching you now can go and watch your Netflix special and fall in love with you the way that I have and Tom has.


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[Assistant] You'll have this great fan base when you go back out, so don't worry. But how'd you get so goddamn business savvy? Like, uh, when I was talking to you in the green room, you're 20 years old, and you're just so smart. Like, when I was 20, what the fuck were you doing at 20, right? Like, I was smoking cigarettes, I was taking LSD.


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[Assistant] Hold on, back up. So your parents, are they like super religious, super strict? What's the religion?


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[Assistant] Oh, that's where her darkness is. But you know what's really great is that that's where your darkness lies and that's where, it's where your sadness is and that's where you get funny. And it's not good, I'm just saying at least you know, okay, that's my bag of bullshit in this world.


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[Assistant] I'm envious, and I was like, well, that just means you're not gonna be in therapy for a decade like I was to deal with my stuff, but... Seriously. Anyway, I- Oh, hold on. We gotta ask a var- We'll get back to your dead mom in a second.


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[Assistant] You know, you send her a toy. Let's just send her another iPad or something.


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[Assistant] Yeah, one sucks, both suck. She's dead. My mom's dead too. But my mom was crazy, so I know what it's like to grow up without a mother, you know? And I think especially as a girl that fucks you up in a very special way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, but yeaah, and, and how, so your dad was very strict. Mhm. And was he protective?


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[Assistant] Disaster, so you're the oldest, and now you've gotta help essentially raise your younger sibs, right?


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[Assistant] Uh, cause my mom was so crazy that I would never share anything with her, actually or my father. It was always like keeping secrets. So when I got my period, I was like, nope, no one's knowing about this. This is my own fucking thing, man.


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[Assistant] And then I actually, my mom did find out and she was like, let me see it. And I was like, uh, bitch, no, I won't show her. She wanted to see the blood and I was like,


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[Assistant] No, we were on a cruise and his dad was in bed and his, he always wears his boxers for comfort. And like he was just, he rolled over and I was like, it was just a flash. I didn't see anything else.


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[Assistant] Do you have to hide a lot because they're super Christian? Your dad on your- that's a yes.


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[Assistant] Call your mom, maybe call your mom yourself. I wanna get to the bottom of this now. Well you only wanna piss her off, this is how you're doing it. Alright. I like getting her mad too, it's fun.


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[Assistant] It's like country music. Like if they find out that you're not really that humble pie bullshit, you're out. Yes.


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[Assistant] Do you like Garth Brooks? Do you listen to Garth Brooks? I couldn't even tell you what he looks like. Thank god.


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[Assistant] Why is he smiling when he, this is him, Tom, this is him. This is the worst pandemic, the worst time I've ever experienced and I wish I was dead. But you know what the best thing is? We're together.


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[Assistant] That's how we like to fuck. Elbows down, ass up. Is that what that means? They're butt fucking their way into this picket stuff. Is that what it is?


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[Assistant] Wow. You know what, I don't know why I'm thinking this right now. I'll see y'all later.


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[Assistant] I just picture him taking a shit. Garth. What? I don't know why, but right now I'm picturing Garth taking a shit. Is that your mom?


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[Assistant] How's that, is that, that can accelerate a relationship or decelerate the relationship. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Together. And he was only 23, right? And I was 26 when we met. And then we started dating two years later after we met.


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[Assistant] So yea, we, so here's, here's the, I think the reason it works, where, cause people are like, are you guys, are you competitive with each other? It's like, not no, because A, we start together, so it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna see that buddy in the trenches succeed. You wanna see the people that have worked his hard, like, come up. And also now we're married, so I'm like, those paychecks all go to the same account. And uh, no, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I, you know, and I think it's important, especially with comedians, if your neuroses match up, cause we're all fucked up. And I think Tom and I maybe just got lucky that our set of stuff meshes well together. Like our issues are good together. Yeah.


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[Assistant] No, I think it's good. I actually, I mean look.


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[Assistant] Well, I will say it helps that both of you are funny. I think if one of you was severely unfunny, that's tough. Right.


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[Assistant] Everyone thinks everyone sucks in some. But I think uhm, I was gonna say is that because Tommy and I have been through the trenches together, like you're poor for a long time together. And we went through so much shit together that I feel like that bond is fucking, I don't know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we were at our brokest and uhm, I think we had two hundred dollars, right? When we got married.


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[Assistant] The woman just gives her body for babies later. I give up, like then I give up my life.


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[Assistant] It's been a long time since we played that to warn people. Now are you and Sam on an open door policy with the bathroom or what are you doing?


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[Assistant] Because I've discovered, this is the second time this has happened, when I eat cream of weight. Uh huh.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, who knew that-


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[Assistant] Thank you. But I'm so bummed because I really love-


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[Assistant] It's mush. Okay, it's a cream of wheat. It's a brand of Farina, a type of breakfast porridge made from wheat semolina. It looks similar to grits, so it's smoother in texture. It's made with ground wheat kernels instead of ground corn. Dude, I love this shit so much. It's so creamy and good.


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[Assistant] And I have no, I guess cause it's just liquid wheat. It's like fibrous and it's warm and I'm guessing it makes me shit. I just love it and I'm so sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do eat oatmeal too. But you prefer cream of wheat?


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[Assistant] With everything? Mostly, there's very few things like hot, except like a hot man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever do your resting heart rate to see how fit you are? You compare your resting heart rate? No, I don't do that. Okay, so our friends and I were sitting around and we were comparing resting heart rate numbers. In the lower the number, it means the more healthy and fit you are. The stronger your heart is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, alright. Buckle up. It's fun being married. So wait until you watch 90 Day Fiancé before the 90 Day Fiancé. I already watched it. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, the point is, we were comparing heart rates. I had the highest, so I'm not the healthiest hearts. The doctors were low. This one goes, oh, I'm the lowest heart rate. And he brags about his number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the deal, it's always been that way because of some kind of genetic defect in his heart or in his whatever DNA.


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[Assistant] I like to showcase the outliers of TikTok.


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[Assistant] The marginalized people, the people without a voice, if you will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Brittany Furlon. Brittany Furlon says that I curate dark talks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This reminds me, if you grew up immigrant, this is everybody's immigrant fucking dad or granddad. This is an immigrant talk. This is like foreign talk, right? Wouldn't your fucking Israeli granddad do some shit like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is from that incel doc I was asking about earlier. There's a documentary about incels. I was about to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's a doc, that documentary, uh, uh, it's supposed to be about incels and these guys that are just women haters crazies. He doesn't hate women.


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[Assistant] Even if we were ugly. But sometimes the desperation gets so much that it turns to hate because they can't. They're so angry that they can't get laid or whatever.


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[Assistant] I don't know man, that's why I gotta see the documentary. I must under-


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, you said something to Cheryl175 and I'm gonna stand up for it's nonsense. It's tic tac.


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[Assistant] Yeah, very funny and yes, guys, stick with her. When she comes to town, go see her. When she comes to your town. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the, the 536 folder I think has the Cobra Tate comment. It does? Yeah. Oh, hold on. Cause that's where it started.


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[Assistant] I think, uh, Tom was trying to, uh, play it up as a surprise. Oh. And, uh. Sorry. Didn't pick up on it. No, that's cool, that's cool, that's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's very exciting. Oh, okay. I've watched this and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, uh, yeah, uh, there, so let me set this up. Uhm, so our favorite, uh, singer, Kyle C.


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[Assistant] So, uh, he did something really cool. Uh, first of all he's been sending us a lot of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, this is one that I thought was worth sharing, was he gave us just the vocal track of a new song, uh, that he sang about Charles Fart.


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[Assistant] Hey baby love Tom, it's baby girl Lisa coming to wish you a happy birthday. I hear you have a mad crush on me, but sorry, I'm taking already. And also you need to eat healthier. You need to quit smoking, you know, blah, blah, blah. But I hear you love your sugu.


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[Assistant] This one is dedicated to the machine. For his best friend's birthday, Tom Segura.


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[Assistant] Snap them right out. These are the O-rings that snaps into the mini implants. Right there.


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[Assistant] Look at the hair! Look at the hair! We don't have a suction problem. And so right now it's off. It's breathing now, breathing out. Oh man. Let's see what happens when I take my tit out of it.


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[Assistant] I was gonna say this, I'm playing a bit injured here. Cause I don't know if it's from the last incident with the tit cups, but I pulled a muscle in my pec doing, I don't know if it's from doing pushups or from coughing when I was high, but this side really hurts.


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[Assistant] In terms of like my tit getting sucked into it, but once it was in there, I felt like I was in a bear trap.


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[Assistant] I can't, I'm trying to figure out the threshold, you know, but once I get the tit in there, it's painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it is fucking gnarly.


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[Assistant] Yeah. This one doesn't have a, uhm, machine part. Like, see how these have like a, uh, intensity, uh, mirror? Do any of the other little ones do? Any of the little ones?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you right now, I'm gonna just preface this by saying, I'm very adverse to nipple play. Like I hate when a girl starts fucking tweaking nips and shit, I'm like, get the fuck away from there. Really? I do not like it. Remember titty twisters and shit? If a kid did that to me, I'd be like, how about you fucking grow up?


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[Assistant] Let's play with nipples. Like every time. No, I mean like what physically does that constitute? Licked. Sucked on. That's fine. Like twisted.


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[Assistant] Are you ready? Yeah. Can you, got a good view Christina? Alright. Line up, here we go.


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[Assistant] Thank god we've put the medical minds to use in order to get this going. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] It's like, fucking, the, what's the shit that you go-


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[Assistant] I got, yeah, for that I would, I mean, people, I would, yeah, yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] From what I understand. Did I put this back on right?


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[Assistant] Not, not when it's, not when it's on. Like you don't understand, it's constantly ramping up. I have to keep doing that. I like, I'll have to oscillate it. Cause I don't think you understand. It is literally sucking constantly. So it's like not stopping despite how much tit is in the cup.


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[Assistant] Well yeaah, I put the tick up on my face. You guys remember that part?


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[Assistant] I was on the road so much before quarantine and I kinda got sloppy with things and then once quarantine hit I was like super depressed and I just let it go way beyond what I ever expected. And so, hold on, let me get my tit in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so yeaah, I mean, it was to the point where I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna fix this or whatever, and then not having comedy made me see it. Do you know what I mean? Yes. I was like, oh, comedy's gone, so now I'm like, what's my life without comedy? Oh, this fucking pigsty.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it makes you, it makes you want to leave.


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[Assistant] I guess that's the nice thing about quarantine is that I realize this about myself and then I can like, you know, adjust it and fix it and stuff like that. So thank you for giving me that opportunity. Does this? Absolutely. And by the way, I think the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what he's gotta do, what I have to do, I really crank this up to the max, so like, when I pop this on, it's gonna go for 30 minutes of sucking me in. But I figured out a way, look at it, it's like getting steamy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, I figured out a way right now to just like, kinda have it at a tolerable level, but also effective.


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[Assistant] So as I've learned the apparatus a bit better, I feel like now I can utilize them in a more optimum way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, much like you with wrestling, as you're learning and understanding what they do with their bodies, I'm doing the same with Norm's BDSM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's the touchy vert, cause like the whole point of the dick cage is so you can't get a boner. Or like if you get a boner, it hurts a lot. What's that feel like? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well again, and so my, the curious part to you is, how are you going to test it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would have to be a woman being here doing things. I don't think I would get aroused by porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you won't see a boner through a cage. The cage is going to prevent the boner no matter what. That's the point of the cage.


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[Assistant] I don't think I would get an erection from that. Like regardless of the cage or not.


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[Assistant] Right now. Isn't the surprise better? No, I wanna know. I'm excited. Let me get my tit ready. Okay, there we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello, my poly people. It's great to be back inside Studio Jeans with all you chomos out there watching. Uh, good day to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too. I have a new girlfriend, and a new boyfriend, and a new wife, and we're all getting along great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got quarantine live, uhm, it's, uh, it's really fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be, uhm, forced into new relationships and not allowed to leave the home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at all, look at all that. I just want to say, I know a lot of people out there are unsettled and nervous and anxious, and this is just my attempt to try to remind you, don't go into a tailspin of panic, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The world is not going to end. So just remember that. The world's not going to end. You're going to be okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This will, it's gonna be painful, it's uncomfortable, it's unfortunate, but we're all in this together, and we're all going to, uhm, get out of this at some point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think the trans activists, I think Asians, and I think, um, Native Americans and Arabs are to blame, and that's just, that's undeniable. No, it's God letting us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any of the people I listed, feel free, you know, to let them know verbally that they're bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I thought you were gonna say, I've really been enjoying, like, uh, people persecuting, uh, the Jews, the gay, the trans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are currently permitted, by the way, for people wondering why aren't you guys. We are permitted by the city of Los Angeles, there is a stay at home ordinance, there's permission to media within those guidelines, podcasts fall under media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, they don't want offices and such. They want only essential people. Try to keep things ten or more. There are currently five people here. So, just letting you know, we're not violating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a bit much. Yeah. I mean, take care of yourselves, be smart, but like, you know, fuck off too. Okay. Yeah. All right. You ready to get in there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. That is of course the great acapella version of our intro song by Josh Potter. Really good stuff. Really good. It's fun to bring it back, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you be doing if you didn't have a family? I haven't masturbated at all. Not once in the whole quarantine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, and when I'm home and like around the family too, I feel like my, you know, my priorities shift a little bit. What? Wait a minute, are you saying you don't- I don't want to jizz as hard. You don't feel super-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was really fired up about it. And I was like, no, there's definitely a whole lane like that. Uh, but she was like, we need a new nickname for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's easier to justify bad food decisions during this thing. It is. I know. Me too. I've been the same way. Although I have been lifting a lot more. I got weights at home and I've been lifting more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was living that life, but bachelor fucking garbage person life. It wasn't like cool bachelor. It was homeless bachelor. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it might be, that actually might have been my crime spree. If I would, if I look back and try to be like, that might have been the point where I decided like, this is worth it. You should break into some homes, you know, just to like, to, you know, do something about the monotony of my life right now. Get a little thrill going, you know, what did you do today? Oh, nothing. And I just, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe, the only thing that I don't really agree with is uhm, a bunch of like high school people, they're like, everyone's saying,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, these poor kids don't get their prom. And I'm like, what? If you take me back to senior year and you were like, hey, the last three months of school are canceled. I'd be like, this is the greatest day of my life. I was already a poor student.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I would just be like, oh, just keep doing poorly from home? Okay. Like, it wouldn't be a big deal for me at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, the only, I mean, it wasn't even different. You just went to, you went to prom, and then you're like, whose house can we go drink and do drugs at? Which is what we did last weekend, also. It's just, we didn't have tuxedos on. So what's the big deal here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the thing is like, you know, I'm trying to go back for me, be like going to Florida in that era. I mean, it was just a bunch of deviants anyways. If you were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, what do you do about this quarantine? They'd be like, I'm outside your house with a bag right now. Just come out here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quarantine wife is my favorite wife. You have taken it upon yourself to try recipes every day. All these amazing...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing recipes you're cooking. This chicken dish was incredible. I got one from Katie Morton. She gave me a recipe with like some cream sauce thing that was amazing. That was Katie's dish. Oh, I've been blown away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That show by the way, every, everybody who's on 90 day before the 98th, all of them are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's basically a study in how people date.


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[Assistant] I mean, you want to fucking smack everyone on the show. Are you a fucking idiot? How are you this stupid? How are you willfully this stupid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this one stupid piece of shit, he's 60 years old, he has been chatting with a Ukrainian girl for seven years. Seven years! He's like, I've been dating her for seven years. We only chat on the dating site. We've never chatted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On Facebook? I don't have her phone number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've traveled three times to the Ukraine to meet her and every time something's come up, but it's always made sense. Her brother died, she fucking fell down once. She had a medical problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fourth time he goes there, and he's like,


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[Assistant] She doesn't know what city she's coming from. He's like, is this supposed to be here? She's supposed to be in a blue dress and he's looking around. Guess what? She doesn't show. He's like, I don't even know what's going on. What are you talking about? She doesn't exist. Dude. She's a bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know you're getting hosed right now? Like, this guy's like, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. Cause for seven years, we've been dating, and this doesn't really seem to be adding up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, she can't video chat, but she can send videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't even feel bad for him. I don't. I don't either. He should know better. I went from feeling bad for him to being like, you know what, you, you signed, you decided to make this...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a possibility by being willfully stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. That's all you have to do. The most basic thing this guy could do. This girl, the girl in the photos is gorgeous. She is stunning. It's like Marilyn Monroe. Ten thousand leagues. I mean, beyond his capacity. This guy has zero chance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the one he's never video chatted with or talked to on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, can't wait to meet my girlfriend and make her


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. This guy. This guy thinks that that girl, he's 60, she's 28.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seven years after we started chatting online. On a site, by the way, the dating site that he talks to her on, you have to pay every time you chat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fans are shocked over Jeffrey's alleged dark past.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other fans liked the way he chopped wood while shirtless. Understandably, fans wanted to know more about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he started a trend on Twitter, and let's see, Jeffrey's a 41 year old from Knoxville, he calls himself a country boy, he loves the outdoors, uh, he exclaimed that he was a bad boy until fatherhood came along. Okay. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scroll down. He has three sons from two different relationships. Dakota and Pax. Jeffrey also revealed his youngest son, Chasm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He admitted that he's been married a few times. One of his ex-wives was the mother of his two younger sons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He hopes to find love. Okay, ongoing legal case about what? Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During the call, the uhm, she accused him of domestic assault, according to documents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might have been a panty aggressor as well. Uhm, he, that's a real fascinating, uh, relationship. Him with the Russian girl, who is also hosing his dumbass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I finished this, you know, and he's like, huh? Like you still live here though. She's like, yeah, but I mean, I met you. Is that another fucking mugshot? That's a different mugshot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I don't want to talk about my past. What happened? Well, last June. Fuck, man. So he's a real scumbag, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does this say he has three and a half ex-wives?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, and this goes out to everybody out there who listens or watches this, uhm, if you have four ex-wives, can you just stop marrying people? Yeaah. Like, maybe this isn't good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're, yea, I mean, I know two people that have one person that's been married seven times and one person that's been married eight times. And I'm like, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, what I said was this. You asked me what I wanted for my birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what I said was, I would like to hire a plastic surgeon to flatten out your nose. And so, what I said was, what if we did, if you lean forward, come on, this one's good. I go, what if we did this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I pushed your nose flat. Right. And then as I did it, you go, did you just, did you take your finger, was your hand in your asshole? And I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, was your hand in your asshole? And I think a lot like Jeffrey, I was like, why are you talking about my past? That was a long time ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because earlier in the day, meaning a minute before I touched your face, I was really scratching my asshole, like bare handed, like aggressively scratching it. And I remember like I was like, man, it's sweaty. I can, you know, I could really, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about my birthday? I have the idea of having a surgeon flatten out your nose. Like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it had only been like about 90 seconds maybe. And then you, you have such a sharp sense of smell you were able to pick up on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was also kind of a first in bed the other day too, which was that I was laying in bed and you got up and you're going to go downstairs and I go, oh cool, I'm hungry. Um, we, will you bring me something to eat? And I turn and you drop your pants and you spread your cheeks so far open and you go, why don't you eat that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you even, you were pulling, you were spreading so aggressively that your hole opened. Nooo. Yes it did. Yes it did. I could see all the chocolate inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in a good mood. And, oh my god, we didn't even bring up 10 milligram Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I brought it up on two bears, but uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, the other day, at night I take 10 milligrams of uh, of indica THC edible and we had watched a movie and then we were talking and I was like making her laugh and she goes, are you high right now? And I was like, a little bit and you're like, I like this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, maybe Ted Milligram Thompson should start podcasting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize how many different things I'll be like, well, here's the reason. Yeaah, it's always a reason. So, cause it is, there's like, there's a steak explanation, coffee, sugar, bread, pasta, fish, sushi. Fried rolls. And then pretty much you're like, so food makes you shit? And I'm like, yeaah, pretty much. But yeaah, I had never, I'd never...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thought about it that way that I was just listing anything that's possible to consume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I think so. You need a colonoscopy. Either that or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's a lot of cool things about this guy and about this video. Number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lens is covered, uhm. Which is cool. And this, I don't know if this is a pillow against the wall in bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he, how old is he? He has like that kind of deceiving look right? Like I would believe if you said he was 17 or 34. I don't know how old he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, especially if you had the rest of the tribe with them and they all had masks on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. Why is he probably sweet and sensitive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I gotta say, Tate keeps growing on me. He really does. I love that he's relentless, that the message is clear, and you are also gonna get a solo riff today, Tate. That is super cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, do me a favor. Unzip your pants and reach inside and feel around and what does it feel like? Is it soft and floppy? That's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could it get hard if you wanted it to? It's okay if it can't, but it's time to do something about it. 40% of men by the age of 40 struggle not being able to get and maintain an erection. Half of our staff is like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens? A lot of guys end up doing nothing, which is obviously the worst. You want to be hard whenever you want to be hard so you can do things with your heart on. Uh, some pills are expensive, some don't work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of you have, uh, have had bad experiences and it's time to get going to do something about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The great thing about it, they, uh, they give you well-known generic equivalent to name brand prescriptions that are way more affordable. And you can stop worrying about going to the doctor's office for that weird con- you do it online, do an online consultation, quick and easy, answer a few questions, and if approved, products are shipped right to your door. Try HIMS today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By starting out with a free online visit, go to 4hims.com slash house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's forhims.com slash house. Forhims.com slash house. Prescription products are subject to doctor approval and require an online consultation with a physician who will determine if the prescription is appropriate. See website for full details and safety information. This could cost hundreds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you went in person to the doctor's office or pharmacy, remember, ForHims.com slash house. Stay hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, let me tell you this. Look at God. Look at God. So uhm, last episode I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, sadly passed away, but I've been in contact with his, uh, uh, ex, well his fiancee, uh, until, until the day he passed, and, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was able to make merch, um, and put it up, share proceeds with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so here it is, it's the Wash Your Hands Men's Black Tea. It's on MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura. I was able to send her a check yesterday. Which is awesome. Yea, so I think we're the only people who sent a check. People started making merch and uhm, you know, not,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She told me that, uh, his name was Wardy, uhm, I think it's Jube, the third, I think that's how you say his last name, uhm, has like that, you know, French, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a great guy. The reason that he was doing the, the, he posed in those photos was because he was gonna lose his house. He secretly did it. She didn't know, then discovered it. And then he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna lose the house that I grew up in and I needed money, so that's why he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's why he did the photos and that's why they were out there, but he actually played in the NFL for a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, he was a big guy for sure. Yeah, big dude. Uhm, but she said he was, you know, full of life, happy guy. He had a heart attack. He was 45 when he died. Uhm, and he died in 2016. People, I even, uh, read something that said 2011 and that was wrong. It was 2016. Wow, that's so recent. Uhm, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so they had a, there was a GoFundMe and it was, uhm, it was an old one so it didn't work so she put a new one up. Uhm, but anyways, I was able to, uhm, send her a check. Great. A nice one too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then we, like all of you, have become ab-sessed with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tiger King, uhm, it's my second favorite recent release on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After ball hog, but it is, it's not going away. That shit is staying number one. It's been number one for weeks. People are consuming it with good reason. It's almost like it was made for your mom's house. So I also threw up some, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tiger King related merch. Carole did it. Uhm, Carole did it pull over hoodie. And Carole did it tee. And the reason why I did that is because Carole fucking did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spoiler alert, Carol killed Don Lewis. She did. Allegedly. If she's watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She does that psycho thing where she uhm, yeaah. Everything she'll be like, and he just keeps sending these things to the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, what are you laughing at? What's the fucking laughter? She doesn't know how to read or emit, like, the correct emotion for anything going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's all kinds of weird shit going on with Carol. Primarily, it's that I feel like you can, you pick up on that emotionally things aren't on the level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well she got into that relationship with Don. Right. Uhm, when she was 16 or 17, he was like 40 something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she starts dating him then, he's married with a family, he leaves his wife and kids, moves in with her and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, in the, in the show, they, they show you how, before he disappeared, he's never been, no one's ever found Don, her, her husband that they mention in this, who was a, uh, was a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Successful businessman and who was funding this big cat rescue operation they had going. He told friends and his lawyer and his executive assistant before he disappeared that he was gonna divorce her and he felt like his life was in danger and all these things. And then he just up and disappeared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think, I think big cats are beautiful and amazing. And uhm, you know, I mean, a tiger is like a majestic, unbelievable animal. I will watch documentaries on them. Uhm, I would, you know, go to a rescue place to see them, but I have zero desire to own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always with the laugh, when someone laughs like that all the time, something is emotionally like, why are you laughing all the time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's fascinating about a show like this? It kind of does the thing that Breaking Bad did. Which is, you know Breaking Bad, you watch Walter White devolve, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're into season 6, you're like, oh I love this guy though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but like, you shouldn't, you shouldn't love him because he's actually become a bad person, right? And he's doing morally, ethically, legally, all terrible things. Joe is a bad dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over the course of this six, seven episode limited documentary series, you're sitting there like, yeah, no, I mean, like he's charming. He's charismatic. He's, he's got a, he's fun. He's fun to be around and like he is a manipulative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Narcissistic. Yeah, I mean, he's a bad guy, but you're like, that joes guy, he's a character. Yeah. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a, um, he, uh, so he's the, like the central focus of the whole series. He's the Tiger King. And at one point he's making a campaign video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Look at that thing. Look how powerful they are. Oh yeah. I mean, zero effort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those ligers too, those ligers, they're like, oh, this one will get 11 feet standing on its hind legs and weigh 900 or 1,100 pounds. You're like, what the?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many, it is amazing that they were able to cram this much content into seven episodes that are basically 45 minutes long. There's so many characters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, that's right, we were watching, we watched two in a row, and then she was like, can we pick it up tomorrow? Because it's, it's, I'm overstimulating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a woman. But the caller said it was a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't know if it's too much effort. She's, I don't think she's lazy. She's, she's thinking of the inconvenience of being in ho- that's not a lazy thing. She's just like, I don't want to spend all this time going to hospital. She, she goes to work five days after her arm is bitten off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm definitely of the thought, at least in the moment, where I would be like, oh yeah, yeah, no, I'll be coming back here every week, sure. Go ahead, do the graphs, let's start physical therapy. Let's start. Dude, I won't even go


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I gotta tell you the part that I respect about Joe the most. I respect the extent


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In every way, I mean, he created an internet talk show that I don't know that 30 people were watching it ever. That was fully dedicated, like a full production room, just to be like, Carol sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he got a hold of her diary and read it online. He, he did, uh, he started a touring business of like big cat shows and he used the name of her place as his and just added entertainment, used the same logo design, like did things constantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did everything possibly to be like, I'm gonna fuck with you. And part of me goes, I respect that. I respect that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Psychotrait is, uh, it's about getting the win. You know, you have to win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have a psycho neighbor who's like, yeah, but I put my trash cans over there and that way yours couldn't come out on the curb. And like, it sounds like a petty little thing, but they feel like they won that exchange. They won that day. And that's, that's what gets Joe going, you know, just these little things where he's like, well, I know that'll, that'll inconvenience you by having.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He even had like, uh, photoshopped some, one he did of Carol in a diaper, like, you know, that he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just, he never, never lays off. All these, by the way, all exotic animal people are strange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, they can describe him too, if they want to. The guy with the flavor saver, soul patch, and the mid-back ponytail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. Absolute maniacs these guys, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad would be like just salivating to say that line. He'd be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His clo- and by the way, he wears that shit every day, even when they show them doing construction on a field in Oklahoma for building a fucking new zoo. He's in his affliction shirt with his bandana and his torn jeans. Yeaah, he looks like a fucking lunatic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was on that, there he is, there he is, Jesus Christ. That's a tiger, that's a fucking tiger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hit look, his endorsement killed Ed Hardy. That's what turk-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, you're too much of a douchebag to wear our douchebag clothes. Holy shit. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine if a shitty brand was like, please stop wearing our stuff. You wearing it is devaluing our brand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing. No amount. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't wear any of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when he started wearing it. When she was like, she was so mean to him. She was mean. I remember watching that show back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was real mean to him. And then when he finally... Oh my god. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it is? You know what he did? You get divorced and the reason that he can land like a 20 year old is because they don't have any money. So he's like, he's like, Oh, hey, let's go on like a date to this nice restaurant. And you know, it takes him to Vegas or something. And then they're like, Oh my God, did you pay for the sweet everything? That's so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The douche girl. I guess it would be the Juicy and Uggs. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Juicy sweatpants. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that he goes, there's one point in this thing where he goes, I didn't do most of this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I didn't kill him and I didn't use the saw to sever his head. I just helped fucking, you know, threw a match on the fucking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You pointed out, and it made me laugh, you're like, are these the worst police officers ever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole thing is, that thing is, all I know is that Carol did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adult. Adult. Yeah, that's the other thing. He says that. Adult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then this is, this is one of the, so Joe has all these male hoes, you know, and he apparently, he, uh, he gets, he gets straight dudes who are legit straight. He's just like, just come, like he's able to like fucking get his little dirty hands in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy that was saying when Travis got here, that's his other husband. That's passage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did every interview shirtless and no teeth and he's like, yeah, Matthew's a real motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, he's like, I was married to Joe for what, like 10 years, but yeaah, I'm not gay. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He hooked him with that riddle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of dicks do you like in porn? Big one. No, you ain't that certain. Good point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he got them both to be super, super fucking whacked out on that shit. Check them out with this NRE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do help. They do. He fixed him! He fixed him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why we're always saying it too. Look at this, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he, it, it is another person, another human being. Holy shit, scroll down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is amazing. This, this show has captivated the nation. And I'm serious. It has not dropped from number one for weeks. And that's with like Ozark. Season three came out. They come out with movies and dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is uhm, one of the most, oh my god, just, it's hard to say that something is particularly strange in this series, but there's a tragedy, right? There's multiple tragedies, but the most tragic thing I think is Travis accidentally shooting himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, they show you the guy who sees, like, on camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cameras facing the person seeing Travis go, there's not a clip in here and boom, shoots himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's horribly tragic. And then Joe, who was married to Travis, at the funeral. Oh my god. This is how Joe conducts himself at the funeral of his just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's at the funeral, with his mother in the front row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To make you the, the focus of the funeral. I'mma sing, I'mma go ahead and sing for you at the funeral. Thank you, Joe. Yeah, thanks man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's nice when people, uh, rock that kind of clothes to funerals or court appearances. It's always nice when somebody puts on their best undershirt to go to court.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, uhm, apparently Larry King is not the only person who struggles with-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, uh, Chris Delia, the comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, can somebody go out there? Yeah? Okay, great. Somebody's gonna go out there. Uhm, oh, I didn't get to tell you about this. I don't know if I even told you this. What's that, Gene? Uhm, you know we post promos, like on Instagram, for new podcasts, right? New episodes of all the podcasts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mom's house, two bears, where my mom's at, and I posted one in Spanish. Instagram flagged it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the promo is literally what you just saw and then it just says the new episode is up. I go, it starts, it starts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She says, that friend of yours must be your close friend. And she says amigo implying that it's a male.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just respond, it's like, I was reading her slang that was sent in to my email address for the Spanish podcast and I just go, oh no, it's from a woman because her name is there. So I go, no, it's a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's talking all Mexican. Well I know, but I'm telling you what happened. So I say to her, which friend? She says, your friend must be your close friend. I go, which one? The one who sent you all that Venezuelan slang. And then I say, it's a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she goes, where is this, like, good lady from? Like, it's just, you know what I mean? And then for it to be flagged and then be like, this is harmful and abusive language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just such a fucking bummer that there's such assholes with that shit, man. And they're not consistent. There's zero consistency with any of them. With any of the social media platforms, you know? Like this is, that is the most, that's something you're gonna, it's a violation saying like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was a promo that like it ended with a graphic that said new episode up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It happened. No, it happened because there is no consistency on how they practice what their rules are. So like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The point is that this is not a violation of anything and then they're taking it down saying that I use harmful and abusive language and there's no consistency to it. They just do this arbitrarily. So it's just, it's just another example of how none of these fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Platforms care or pay attention to what's going on. They just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I guess somebody said, hey, we're reporting this. And then they're like, oh yeah, this is fucking harmful and abusive language. It's total inconsistency. YouTube does it too. YouTube flags things that have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you're like, what are you talking about? Oh yeah, we're, uh, we're flagging this episode for language and you're like, but that we didn't say anything wrong there. Well, you talked about a topic and the topic is flag, what was the, what is the deal with like coronavirus, like they flag certain coronavirus conversations?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's unbelievable. I mean, and again, it's inconsistent. It's like, it is okay this episode. It's not okay the next episode. Having a conversation about something is a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love to thank our sponsor whoop. We're living in some crazy times right now. Anxiety is at an all time high as we all self quarantine to combat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This coronavirus pandemic, when we're stressed and don't sleep well, our immune system weakens and becomes more prone to getting sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the best natural way to boost our immune system is through great sleep right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I've been tracking it every day. I wear it every day. You see me with it on. And the first thing I do when I get up is see the hours I slept, how I slept, and I can always associate how I feel and what I did to how the sleep performance was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're stuck at home training, whoop also has a built in strain coach feature that actually sets exertion goals so you can optimally work out so you're not losing out on your fitness goals during the self quarantine. Make the best out of the situation. Optimize your sleep and performance with whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sleep better with personalized insights and strengthen your immune system. Train optimally and don't get out of shape when you're stuck at home. For our listeners, Whoop is offering 15% off with the code.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let's get, can I ask Josh a couple questions because Josh, I want to know specifically how


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How Josh is doing through quarantine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you tell me what you ate yesterday, like breakfast through dinner? I had a burrito yesterday. The whole day? The whole day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you just passed out drunk? Yep. What time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you this, did you guys get any, cause it's been happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Through any of this. You actually, I think, might, might murder someone, too. Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This has been varying, uh, across the country and there's different stories. Did you get any rent notification about like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, right now we'll be getting into both, we're coming toward the end of NBA and hockey season. This would be March Madness this weekend. Oh, March Madness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll be getting into NBA playoffs and hockey playoffs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the NFL draft is happening- That's gonna still happen. Right, but I'm saying that's hap- but not- it's gonna be like a virtual draft, right? Like they'll- they won't be actually- I think so, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all. The cousin, the cousin who's like, we gonna be rich! You know, he's like so psyched. Are you, uhm, are you J'ing your D a lot? Yeah. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so what's your 24 hour number for this thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris, are you like that too? No. What's your record on doing this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, uhm, so let me ask you this. You always tell me these stories. I feel like an old man every time I talk to you about your digital love life. But, so, are you, are you doing exchanges for your, you know what I mean, for these nudes? How does it work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny to picture like, women out there with like, oh I got this phone full of dick pics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What type of language, like I'm saying specifically, does a woman use when she is asking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now do you do, do you get fully nude and like put your, or your naked legs in the photo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So is the camera under your dick? Yes. Oh, and it's like, okay. Yeah, and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I would like to do underneath, but then look menacingly at the camera. Yeah, you could do that.


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[Assistant] You know you have an unimpressive dick when women compliment your balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the premise. Yeah. Oh really? Yeah, of course. When they're like great balls, you're like, thanks. Like what- That's actually, I think the opposite because I mean- They have nice balls. Like they're sewn together and the stitches are- Probably a taut sack? Yeah, I guess.


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[Assistant] I had talked to a girl one time who told me she just loved balls.


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[Assistant] You should get the most pathetic picture of your dick. Just to see what the response was.


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[Assistant] Like when a girl's like, send me a dick pic and just take a picture of your dick when it just woke up and it still got sleep in its eyes and it's just like, what's going on? And be like, here you go. Just see if they're like, what the fuck?


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[Assistant] I've had days. That's the most fun to do. That's what I was saying. I remember one time I went to get to the doctor and, you know, he was just like, I'll be right back, like just, you know, get naked for the physical. And I've been like, oh, come on. And I've seen it so small that I told the doctor, like when he came in, I was like, have you ever seen a dick this small? Dick, Dr. Dick is the smallest


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[Assistant] Oh my god, it is. Cause there's, your mind and your body are like, there's like the last thing entering any type of thought is anything secular. You know, there's no blood going there. And it's cold in the room and it's fucking...


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[Assistant] I just don't feel like a guy, I know he likes women, but it makes me doubt that it's real. Like, a guy not wanting-


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[Assistant] Yep. Alright. We gotta go. You're the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ohhhh, Chris. Maybe, uh, Josh will say you some lesbian links, and you can, uh, celebrate watching completely underwhelming porn. This sounds fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a crazy world. Alright, here's just to spice it up. If you follow me on Instagram, I'll, uh, I'll be sending, uh, six random followers, um, shaft picks. Okay? In the middle of the shaft. Just to get it out there, spice it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this was a lot of fun. Thanks for listening. Please check out Ball Hog on Netflix if you have not yet. It's my new special. Uhm, please go to MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura. And what else, Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very soon, here is Corona Cure by Karygasm and G Jovi.


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[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. I really appreciate it. If you want to see more, you can click on any of these videos in this general area. And also, if you haven't subscribed, please do. It helps feed our cats. Don't have any cats.


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[Assistant] We had kids that were just, and that's what I said, the guy standing in the


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[Assistant] It says, it says expecting first child together. That shit should say expecting last child together.


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[Assistant] Could you imagine? I'm a half-laid-air motherfucker.


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[Assistant] Make sure that oven's preheated for the fry!


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[Assistant] Oh my god, dude, that is disgusting. Bring me some water so I can piss on him too!


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[Assistant] Frickin' shopping mall, ayy! You got the orange juice place, the chicken place.


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[Assistant] Come on, get it together, put a big chess board in the middle, everybody can play with big pieces.


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[Assistant] You know, you gotta worry about, you know, lube, brown town, the whole thing.


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[Assistant] Still water from the fucking tap. The government gives you that shit. Effectively for free.


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[Assistant] Not only should women clean up, women should clean up unprompted. I'm gonna tell you why.


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[Assistant] It's come to my attention that I have ended up on your mom's house.


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[Assistant] Podcast. I've already learned from the comments that Natasha has already cheated on the dude. And he took her back. Because people are already saying, why are you mentioning cheating when you're a girl fucked another guy.


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[Assistant] You know, go to the gym and put on some muscle mass. You don't have to look like that. That's a choice.


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[Assistant] So I kinda like the old guy. He's kinda like me. He's like, whatever, whatever. He kinda gets everything so far. He, he was wrong about the green screen. But, his woman stuff.


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[Assistant] What's funny about all of this is that they're trying to make fun of me, but they're also agreeing with me a lot. Like they just high five. The old lady, she worked out, you know, she has a low IQ, but obviously through years of rigorous training, the same way you train a dog, give her a donut, whatever, she's worked out the high five. So they agree with me.


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[Assistant] But did you get what I was saying? Man, catch what?


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[Assistant] You gotta get it wet. You gotta go low. Get it wet. Get it wet. You didn't get it wet. And then they be like, uhm, guess what? You through. You through. You gonna get that ten times more. Yeaah. Now.


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[Assistant] You do that shit right? You're gonna get it ten times a month.


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[Assistant] I'm on Viagra TV, but guess what, dick don't, you gotta hit it, your tongue gotta hit it, and wet it, good, with your ten finger, and then guess what, you coming back ten times.


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[Assistant] Tiger lion park is located in Crimea, Russia.


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[Assistant] They don't give a fuck. They're Russian. But what does them being Russian have to do with this? They don't give a fuck. About lions? About rules. What the fuck?


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[Assistant] Oleg Zubkov, who drives the tourists around the park, is a conservationist and the park owner. He hopes that by giving visitors the chance to hug and pat the lions, and take photographs and selfies with them, that it will help discourage people from hunting Siberian tigers and white lions.


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[Assistant] Thank you very much. You're welcome. I was...


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[Assistant] Didn't know how I was gonna play it, and then just to walk in and just be- You know how they are. Oh! Just freedom.


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[Assistant] It's really great. Cause you can feel it sticking. Like the word of mouth is so great. Like people are into it and it's just like nothing but positive.


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[Assistant] Beautiful people, nice people, but in all the interviews you had to tell people what Epics was. Right. You know what I mean? Yea, like Epics? Yea. How do I get that? Like, it's a lot to ask, it's a lot to ask people to watch you do anything.


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[Assistant] I remember when I was starting and I was like, I got Letterman. And they were like, can you get something earlier? Yeah, sure.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's so, but this is just great. You just feel like, oh, okay, so people are seeing it and it's like, you know, they're into it. It's just been.


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[Assistant] I didn't think about that. So I should, I should definitely get someone to travel with me so they can see it.


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[Assistant] There's nothing worse than being recognized and no one's around.


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[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. Yeah, there's the real sweet one is when you're with another comedian, especially if they're your good friend comedian. Yes. And they come and talk to you and have no idea who they are. That's a sweet spot. Cause you know, it's coming back to you in a couple of minutes, but that's a really good one.


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[Assistant] And, uh, since then, they've painted the walls and the pictures off the wall. But I still, when I call to get it delivered with my kids, my kids will bust me when they're, I'll be placing the order and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You told them it was Tom Papa, didn't you? Yeah, I did. Didn't work, did it? I was that guy in that crusty newspaper. It's still going to take 45 minutes.


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[Assistant] It really is the worst though when you want it and it's not coming. When I was living in New York and the iPhone was coming out, the newer iPhone, one of those new things happening and Robert Kelly's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, all you gotta do is go, just go hang out there. I know there's lines, you know, but you just walk in, let them recognize you, and they bring you right in the back. They do it with all the celebrities, and it's not even like huge people. They don't even bring you in the back, and they skip the line, get to the new iPhone, and I'm out of there in like 10 minutes.


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[Assistant] I was like, oh really Bobby? And I go and I'm hanging around making eye contact with anyone in an Apple t-shirt. Nothing, nothing happened. I came back and I'm like Bobby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing. I mean, that didn't work at all. He goes, nah, it didn't work for me either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no exactly, like in a hotel, like trying to get an upgrade or, no, when you really want it, it doesn't happen and it shouldn't. It shouldn't really.