[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a good show. I'm sure it was fucking awful. You know, I think it was, I think it ran for a little while. I don't think it was that bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, yeah. The ma-nua, the manure conversation was with Marisa Tomei, wasn't it? That's right. Trying to find the positives of the word manure. Marisa Tomei. The dreamboat. Yeah. Marisa Tomei is 57 years old now. She's from Brooklyn, New York. She was born in 1964.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Daughter of Gary A. Tomei and Patricia Addie Tomei and sister to Adam Tomei.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a great, uh, that was a great series. It was really good. Speaking of, uh, of, uh, of shows from, uh, from Long Pass, and this is pro- this is old news now, but I've only just come around to, to watch it. I watched the, uh, the, uh, 30 year anniversary reunion special for Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, because my-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My kids have been watching it though, you can watch every episode of all six seasons on iPlayer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my kids love it, they've been watching it. And I remember, I remember also watching it around the same age my, my son is now. But uhm, also interestingly,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're studying the show at school, like as part of their, you know, like the same way we would have read like a book from like, you know, Catcher in the Rye or whatever, uh, when we were at school. They're doing Fresh Prince. Yeah, they're like studying the cultural impact of Fresh Prince 30 years on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of the star power came from Quincy Jones though, because Quincy Jones is like this huge music mogul, well connected, at the time was very well connected, so like, this was his show, and, you know, he could pour like a ton of star power into it at will sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, but it was also just, it was also just a very popular sort of show at the time when it came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, eh, you know, all the, all the, all the cast, no, no Uncle Phil, cause he passed away in like 2013, I think, or whatever, like, it was quite a while ago now. But uhm, they had like, like both, both Aunt Bibs, cause you know, there was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they had a change over after like halfway through, like after the third season. And then they find out the story about the first Aunt Viv, like what happened to her and stuff. And, uh, it was really interesting. You could like, it's like an hour and a bit. You can watch it on iPlayer if you haven't seen it, but it's, it's, it's worth a watch for sure. It's really, really nice little documentary about the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in lots of old stuff though, like he's in lots of old episodes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he was probably on The Simpsons a couple of times, I can't really remember, but like, you know, anything he could be in, he was in sort of thing around that time, I think he was just trying to build his profile, or he was obsessed with celebrities, or I don't know what the deal was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You almost sound like you wish that you had done it yourself. Like, or that you could do it yourself. You have some life regrets in this area? You're looking back and you're like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I could have gotten my secretary to ring up the New York times rich list and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know what you're saying, but it's iterations, like with everything, right? It's an evolution, like the fake news has always been there, but we know it as it exists today, using the tools available today or whatever, and tomorrow it'll just be different, but it's the oldest trick in the book, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, trying to convince people of something that is probably not true but you have this insane idea and it's just about trying to get as many people on board as possible, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because now nobody cares about him, rightfully so. But, I mean, he is the Prime Minister, but like it's, you know what I mean? It's just, uh, he's, it's, it's just, it has worked out perfectly for him because there's something,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, more important that everybody wants to talk about and think about and hear about than, uhm, his sleazy cabinet, you know? It's just, uh, it's a shame really, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there you go. It's, uh, it's, it's all, it's all part of this, this big, uh, this big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Machine, right? I tried tested and true one as well. It's going on since the beginning of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that his partner could see the hamster going in and farted and singed his partner's eyebrows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but I mean, even then, like, why do that? Of all the things that you could do, man, poor gerbil as well, like, Jesus, I don't think a gerbil really wants to be in your asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you gotta be pretty worried if you're rocking up to jail with that charge, right? Like, you're immediately trying to roleplay and think up a better excuse for you being there, because you're just asking for it, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it, is it just an animated, um, image, I'll say, just to avoid any controversy, of her, um, you know, rolling one, lighting one and smoking it, or, or, like, what's her...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does she have any, what's her, what's her NFT or does she have like a series or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna be like 80, 90 years old and it's just going to be non-stop. You're gonna have a sore neck from constantly your head dropping down and you shaking your head back and forth. What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Return to Monke, a song by Whitestorm, apparently. Is that the one? No, Return to Monke Meme. Oh, yeah, this, I've, no, no, I'm on Know Your Meme.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hippestadios, this side of, uhm, Stinky's peep show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I have a six year old daughter, if you facetime my daughter- That's a very fucking zen response though, actually. If you facetime my daughter right now, hoping to like, relieve some anxiety or something, let me tell you how it would go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Silence, she wouldn't answer you. What, what uhm, I phoned the hotline because I wanna feel better about myself, can you help me? Silence. And this would go on for a good couple of minutes until she was comfortable enough to say, what's that on your face? Or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that would be the conversation. You would not feel better about yourself. You would feel like shit. That's a mole. My mom says I'm beautiful. That, I mean, challenge me all you want, but most six year olds, that would be how it went down, I would say. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a tough love sort of thing. Like a bootcamp. You're going to, you know, doing a Zoom call bootcamp. Uhm, tough love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do, but this stuff kind of only tends to really happen five minutes before they're meant to go to bed. Otherwise, you're not getting anything out of them. They come up with a big subject.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, uh, Washington DC punk rock is what you're describing here, but for books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're talking, you're talking like minor threats, you're talking like bad brains, you're talking like, uh, you know, black flag and stuff, but for books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the whole independent, uh, thing, y'know? I like when people are good enough at something where they don't need to, um...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and nowadays it feels like it's even more possible than it would have been in the past, right? But like, to self-publish a book or to, or now to like, uh, release like an album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like self-published on like using like a platform like Spotify or something like that. I find all that really interesting. Like uhm, and it's such a great story when it works too, you know. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that's another thing I think when you can get to a point where you're big enough to do it. Cause like Radiohead kinda did that, didn't they? They were, they were a pretty big...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had great songs though, like they were a great band, and they'll never go away because Kurt Cobain died when he was like 27.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so he joins that club that, you know, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison and I guess Amy Whitehouse is part of that as well. Where it's like, they still had so much more to give, so much potential. So like, a lot of people are obsessed with what could have been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. You look back and you listen to some of their music, whether you're a fan or not, you can appreciate how it would have been as big as it was at the time. And you can only imagine that, you know, even their last album, which, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Depending on, depending on what you like or whatever, you might not have seen it as like their strongest album, but it was still good. And, you know, there probably would have been more good stuff to come from that band, realistically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, well no, the band was not, at all, but at the time, everyone around them was definitely trying to commercialize everything about them, because that was kind of the movement of the time. American way. And it still is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The band themselves were very, very anti-commercial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, Flax, there's some really great old footage of Nirvana doing like, uh, the word and top of the pops and stuff, where they were expected to go on and play Smells Like Teen Spirit because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They became, uh, like in the public eye, the band that plays Smells Like Teen Spirit and they hated playing it in the end because people were just obsessed with just that one song because it was like the big popular song of the time or whatever. And they went on top of the pops and top of the pops were like, yeah, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, like they did so much stuff like that, they were very very funny, like, uh, just like purposely bombing interviews and stuff, like they were very anti the whole thing, uhm, and it was- But they still went on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was kind of like the, um, you know, like the kids that listen to all of the bands in the, in the, in the, like the, you know, the big rock bands of the seventies and stuff like that. This was, this was that sort of generation almost like dying out and paving the way for like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different boy bands and shit like that to emerge in the nineties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, they're not giving those names. Those are definitely like, uh, a lot of them will just be, yeah, they'll be names that they've had since they were, uh, young or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not really Lil anymore, right? Like, uh, where's- I guess-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause there's Donald Trump Jr., right? Isn't one of his kids Donald Trump Jr.?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think the world needs a Lil Lewis or a Lewis Brinley, Lewis Brinley Jr. Or Esquire. What's Esquire mean? Cause you hear that sometimes too. Ted Theodore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you get a letter from like, uh, like the government over here, like say, say like they send a letter to my son for a dentist appointment or something like that, they'll put his name and like Esquire. Really? Yeah. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you can only get away with that when you're very old. Like, you can't be 25 years old and going around and calling a little kid a master or whatever. Like, it doesn't work, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the, at the, instead of getting mad at my kids, I get, I do the disappointed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, come on, it's like, it's dinner, let's go. They'll ignore us. And so, and so we wait a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing, like they just, you know, carry on playing or, you know, just ignoring us or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'll just do like a really loud, so I'll just go, oh, okay, fine. I guess just don't come for dinner then. That's fine. And then they come. That's when they decide to, to, to rock in. It's the, it's the disappointment in my voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's pretty surprisingly effective. And then another one, another one that you can do, like, I don't, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your kids are probably younger than they are right now, realistically, cause your kids are a bit older, they probably don't do this much anymore, but you're trying to leave the house and people are like getting their shoes and their coats on and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. And then, like, they know that you're like, okay, fuck, he's really disappointed right now. Uh oh. Well, I-I quivered a bit when you said that. That triggered something private in me. The delivery, very important. The timing, very important as well, but it can be so effective.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do, yeah. You do. This is all good advice, Lewis. One of these days when little Lewis Jr., Lewis Brinley Jr., Lil Lewis is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Running around and he's getting ready to go to school and stuff like that. You'll think back to this moment, you'll think, holy crap, those guys, they've been through the trenches, gosh, they have experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, get them out. Get them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I saw Matrix Resurrections, the new Matrix movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Analyzing in my mind afterwards what made it so awful. Because I just, I love that. I love like watching movies and thinking how, why did this work? Why didn't this work? It's just interesting. It's just, it's like a hobby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess. So, but also there is always the chance that it doesn't suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In unbelievable. But yea, so Coda was really good. I really enjoyed it. Uhm, and Matrix Resurrections was the complete opposite of Coda in every way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also in terms of, of enjoyability, it was so hopelessly bad. Uh, and I've read some pretty bad takes about it. People saying, oh, actually it was like a protest against studio power. And, uh, you know, they, they drop a message into the film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where basically, I get the impression, I'm sure someone's got some lengthy, tedious Reddit opinion about this that they'll make, or in the YouTube comments or whatever. But as I understand it, from what was blatantly stated in the movie, either Lana Wachowski made it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or they were gonna make one anyway without her. I'll be honest with you. I think it would have been better if they'd made one without her, because if you're gonna make a movie suck on purpose as a message to the studio, which is the only possible solution for why this is so terrible, uh, don't waste my time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should not be making movies anymore. I would have thought that this would be clear after the two Matrix sequels we already had, which were also terrible. And now you've made this, which is even worse somehow than those. Stop making movies. You can't do it. You had an amazing shot with Matrix. It was brilliant. Loved it. Everything else since then has been terrible. Stop. Let someone else try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it the script? No, it was everything. It was genuinely everything. The issue, the issues start with the fact that the whole aesthetic for The Matrix is essentially grounded in late 90s


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole setup is that Neo is back in the Matrix. He's, uh, s- I'm not gonna spoil anything for anybody that wants to see it, but basically he's back in the Matrix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, he sort of sees a therapist who convinces him it's all in his mind and gives him all these drugs and stuff like that. And there's all constant throwbacks to the original film. And it turns out in this new movie that he's made a video game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the three other Matrix movies, by the way, they hardly show anything from the two sequels, so even they know that they fucking stank. Most of the stuff that they reference is from the original film. And you look at it and first of all, Keanu Reeves is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 25 years younger, so you think, wow, this really is a sequel that's like, way overdue, uh, if you like, you know, but I probably should have rebooted it with a whole new cast, a whole new setting, but they didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they had to shoehorn Keanu Reeves back in. He's a game designer who made the Matrix game. So everything that he thought was the Matrix was just this game and blah blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the Animatrix genuinely had some really good episodes and the setting for how the robots, there is one, it's a two part about how the robots took over and the downfall of humanity and everything. That is really, really good. Really dark, really interesting. I'd like to see some more of that though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We still have the same aesthetic, which is basically everyone who's good dresses like someone who thinks they're some kind of emo goth fucking wannabe gangster something. I don't know, it's just so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, they all look like extras from Blade. Uh, it's like, well that aesthetic doesn't really exist anymore. And all the action feels...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awful. Like, there's no big set piece where you could think, wow, at least that was a cool moment. The whole bullet time rooftop sequence in The Matrix and the lobby shootout in The Matrix were so iconic in the 90s at the time, that all these movies just copied them. Like, nothing like that had been done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They certainly seem to be setting it up that way. They set up so many characters and stuff like that, that you think they're not just gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good. Just watch fucking Humphrey in October for the millionth time like I did the other day. What a film!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the lips, the lips one is the, you can't do the lips thing, you get all the stuff injected, don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got, he's got three movies coming out. If you look at, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Mission Impossible series, which he has really made his own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first Mission Impossible movie that he made was in 1996.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, who was it they remade it with? Was it Steve Carell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or Jim Carrey, I wanna say it was Steve Carell, but they remade Get Smart, but uhm, so Mission Impossible, 1996, the original reboot, I was really disappointed, cause I was a big fan of the TV series at the time. Yea, I remember the TV series.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like really hype. And they, they very, very rarely used violence in Mission Impossible, the TV series. They were trying to get in and get out and it was like watching


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there were guys in a van and they'd, you know, they'd be saying, okay, you know, they'd come up with this plan and you'd think it had gone wrong, but it worked out. It was great. And Martin Landau was in it. He was fantastic. Like it was just a really good show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, that's like 90% of the movie zones. And honestly, the more recent as the series has gone on, it's really gotten a lot better. And it's a really good action movie now. Mission Impossible Fallout was a bangin' action movie. Really, really good. I recommend seeing it if you can. How many stars for that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, anyway, where was it? We were talking about fucking Tom Cruise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Chuck Yeager, who's probably the most famous test pilot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in history, I'd argue, uhm, although that maybe people would come up with a better one. Chuck Yeager had his own video game on the Amiga. Right, Chuck Yeager's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They used to do a lot more celebrity video games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, LeBron James' basketball, 2022. No. It's NBA 2K22. Yeah. He might be on the cover, like that's different. Right, yeah. Uhm, so Chuck Yeager's advanced flight trainer by Electronic Arts, what a fucking, EA, that's when EA used to actually make good stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be honest with you, my kids the other day were making fun of that dance that kids used to do where they put their hands to the left. Flossing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I mean, Alien Breed was a fantastic game on the Amiga. It was really fucking good. Quite hard. Uhm, but just a, it was a top-down fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a fucking crazy game. It was pretty nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To me that was the original twin stick shooter, where you move with one stick, you shoot with the other, but there was one before that called Berserk, any OG gamers will remember Berserk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, I've had a couple of emails. I know this isn't towards the end of the podcast, but I thought they might be worth discussing. I had one from, uh, Taylor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bear in mind, this was about a month ago we talked about medieval teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The teeth would wear down over time if they ate a lot of hard foods, of course, but if you think about it, when you go to the dentist, they aren't saying you've lost 10% of your teeth overall since your last visit. They're usually telling you, yeah, you've got a small cavity over here we should fill in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reason our teeth get destroyed so quickly is because the shit we eat bores holes in them. When the sugar colonies got up and running they actually saw a notable jump in deaths.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Among the merchant class, upper class, nobility, basically anyone who could afford sugar, what happened was rich people would eat straight sugar as a flex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love to hear that. Thanks, you really helped me get to sleep. Well, some Triforce fans have said they do that as well, and I'm like, whatever it takes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, do you remember, I was having a go at opera music as well the other week, so I got a couple of messages on Twitter from people saying that either they listen to the podcast and they are opera singers, and I apologize for offending them, but here's one from Scott who says, long time fan, first time writing in, and a professional opera singer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No offense, no offense taken in your collective comments about the genre. I know it's not for everyone, and the reason I know is that intellectually and culturally, I come from the same run-of-the-mill middle-class background you guys do. Thank you, Scott!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I have definitely attended bouncy gala events where it was basically part of my job to praise, thank, and variously suck up to posh people with their loafers, lack of socks, and conspicuous haircuts. But, truth be told, although I love singing and I love the music, I would rather spend my downtime playing video games


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About the, the, the naming of hurricanes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't we make up new words for things? Just make up a new fucking word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's harder for me to remember it as just a string of numbers as it is just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's right next to Reward Race Exist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the thing is, whenever someone dies of drugs like that, the automatic assumptions are like, no. Oh yeaah. Like, almost like they deserved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is true in a lot of aspects of medicine. It's very male-centric around symptoms and signs and early warnings and all that kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women can have completely different symptoms for impending heart attacks. To men, one of the more common ones that women have is back pain. Right. Men don't tend to get that. They tend to get their shooting down the arm. All the ones in the movies are like, oh my arm, my chest, ugh, keel's over. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, women can have a completely different set of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, we all know, you know, even from all the movies, what the signs are for heart attacks in men. I can't remember a film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, if you teach, if you try to teach people who have zero social skills how to be sociable, they try to run through it like a checklist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a TV show on BBC3. Bitches in cages. Sasha goes on her first girls work trip abroad but things take a sinister turn as the reality of what's expected from the girls starts to become clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get that shmoney. Bitches in cages. Bitches in cages. Fake the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fake the fake sh- fuck the fake shit. Oh, fake the fake shit, I thought you said, but yeah, why would they-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, let me be honest with you guys. There's a comedian called Katherine Cohen who has a Netflix special at the moment called The Twist. She's gorgeous. That's the name of the series, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm gonna put Katherine Cohen, Bo Burnham,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a few other of those modern comics into the same bucket, which is, I don't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't know if they would want me to watch their comedy. I don't know if they'd see me as like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So her show, I watched about 20 minutes of it and I didn't laugh and I didn't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I watched that thing, and people lost their shit about it. Oh my god, it was so funny. I didn't get it. Like, I still don't understand. It's like this post, post, postmodern, so ironic, it's not ironic, but that makes it ironic. Like, it's just so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he's stepping away. So I say, you know, Bruce Willis hasn't really made good movies for some time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, which was just so, he was like, he wasn't a big part of those, I think. And wasn't there a dialogue?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but I'm just looking at his films, and if you look, he was in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He makes an awful lot of director video stuff. Reprisal, air strike, uh, survive the night, hard kill, you know, these guys have a very good career though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, here's a film, Out of Death. What does that mean? Midnight in the Switchgrass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, that's actually a Bill Murray movie that he's in for some reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's not taking a break. He's done. He's just out. He's done. He's out. He was in the Expendables as an uncredited cameo, and the Expendables too. He's gotta be at a point


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yes, I think Keanu Reeves is bigger than whatever he's in now in that he's such a beloved character because he seems like such a lovely guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that game sucked. And now a new Witcher's coming though, in like years time, but they've announced they're doing another Witcher game. Holy crap. Please God, let it be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So please just let me do Witcher again. Like Witcher 3, but a whole new thing. Just do that. Just do that. It's not a movie. It's a video game. I just want another, I want a new Witcher game. That's it. That's it. That's all we want. I don't mind doing the same thing over and over again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I'm saying, quickly, one sentence each on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello everyone, welcome back to the Triforce Podcast. Oh, Perian, hello. Hello. It's great to hear your voice. Hello Sips. Hi. How are you feeling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we made it back. We're recording this on the first day of the, uh, platy tubes. That's what it's being called. The lovely jubbly, yeah. God save our queen, uh, holiday. Yeah, that's right. Four day weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did we get one, like, the Sapphire jubil- jubes, or the, the, uh, diamond jubes, or the other one jubes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess you don't get silver till like 25. And that's a long fucking time as well. It's a long time, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because this is sort of so unusual, there isn't actually in that list a place for the great grandchildren of the queen, because, or the monarch, because no monarch has really had great grandchildren before I would guess, or it being relevant, you know? Yeah, that's true, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think this one guy, this one, Louis XIV was a couple years longer reigning because he was crowned when he was a child. And so 72 years. Theoretically, if you're crowned when you're like a baby and then you live to 100, you could really just go for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 72 years, man. Louis the, one of the Louis. It was a great one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's always, it's like, we know about the successionals from old Crusader Kings, but yeah, I think there's still a few countries where it's done differently, but most people have changed over to this absolute version where it doesn't matter what sex you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just so happens that their firstborn was actually a boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spain, yeaah, love a bit of, love a bit of knocking the Moors out of Spain. Yeah. Uhm, but, but no, I mean, I, I don't think, I think it's unfortunate in a sense that the Queen's firstborn was a boy, their firstborn was a boy, and then his firstborn was a boy. Yes. You know, there's no, we're not gonna get another Queen for a good hundred years at this rate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've just got a rolling stones in your late 90s. Fuck it. Do you guys, what have you got planned for the weekend? Are you going to do street party? Have you put bunting up? Have you like knitted a t-cosies? My street is, my street


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can pick up a box of cold lagers or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds like they were just snootily looking down at Waitrose though. Like, not Waitrose, at Costco through their Waitrose glasses, you know. They're thinking, I'm not cluey. I think people have a very snooty view of Costco, where actually, there's some good stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go get a load of Costco sometimes because my friends got a card. You do need to know, it feels like you need to know someone though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. That sounds like a nice way to celebrate the Queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exciting, yeah. Does it have new stations, or does it have the, the uh, does it go to existing ones?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, it's a very simple set of instructions. Uh, it's always that, isn't it? Uh, it'll save you two minutes, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're in West London, right? So I assume you're gonna go east along this fucking Elizabeth Line rather than- You are assuming correct-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Man, you can stop off at Heathrow Central, Heathrow Terminal 4, and Heathrow Terminal 4. Yeah. I'm sure there's a bar each of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, to, to, to keep the sun off. So yeaah, they're more hyper, hyperactively scared of it. But normally in Britain, you're right, you can't get burned because the sun never rises high in the sky enough from, you know, October through, you know, April or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it can damage DNA. I think that's the thing, right? And that's the danger. Cause if you get, that's where most cancer comes from. It comes from like a glitched out piece of DNA that's self replicating, you know, and it's a quite a common thing that can happen. Well, obviously it happens a lot to people. Um, but there's obviously it depends on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whereabouts in the DNA gets hit to what type of cancer you end up getting, stuff like this. But other things can attack DNA as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, certain, it's like a, it's like a, I don't, I'm not a scientist either, so we'll leave it to the experts. But yeah, I mean, I think the difference is, is that radiation from like Chernobyl or something,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you can, you can get some, sometimes you can get things happening where radiation can cause other particles to, oh, I dunno, I'm not even gonna start trying to dig into it. But yea, it is a radiation bird, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's, it's cool, but it's not cool. It's very easy to stop it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. A lot of radiation won't penetrate the skin as well, even like, uhm, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cosmic radiation, don't you? Something like that, yeah. Which is different. Yeah. It's different to- Anyway, I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this, is this the redemption story? Is this where she finally came out of her shell? No. No. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've talked about this before, but, but they, they, they, they, no one has ever died at Disney World because they take their bodies off site and declare them dead off site. That's right, yeah. So technically no one's ever died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, no, it sounds like a really eventful, eventful, did you have like a, was it all quite jolly? Did they have a good time? Like overall? It sounds like they did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Obviously. I mean, you obviously went through this rite of passage with your first daughter. You were thinking it was going to be the same. And I guess you almost had in your mind, uh, this, this, this obviously very good memory that you clearly talked about before. And that's why your second daughter is so excited to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To experience it, you know. But people are different, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gentlemen, Father's Day is just around the corner and our friends at Manscaped are here to ensure all the father figures out there


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. It's very smooth on your freshly shaven balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you, if you're lacking those, you can get them from mousscape.com with the code triforce. Uh, you get 20% off of free shipping, that's mousscape.com. With code triforce, uh, shake what your mama gave you. Oof. Nah, shake what your dada gave you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, be smart, uh, you can stop paying full price for streaming services and only gain access to a fraction of the content. Get your money's worth at expressvpn.com slash triforce. You can use our link to get three months of ExpressVPN for three, for, for, for, for free. For three months for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Uh, you can change your online location. You can protect yourself from snoopers. Uh, you can get it on your phone and your PC and your iPad when you're out and keep your browsing anonymous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's got a number of advantages. I use ExpressVPN and I recommend you do as well. ExpressVPN.com slash Triforce, three months extra free. Thank you for the sponsorship. On with the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No subject. Binned off. For example. Right. So this one had no subject. You found it anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I mentioned, uhm, I mentioned Hotpot on this podcast, and a guy, I actually went to Hotpot this week with, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, great. Thank you so much for that. That's just what I needed. But apparently he'd heard about, he'd heard me mention Hotpot on the podcast and looked up Bristol Hotpot and found the place that I had, cause I'd done it at a friend's house, but he just, um. He looked it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Michael Chiklis, from, what's his first, from, from Thing, from the show. Kamish, the Kamish. The Shield, the Shield, Vic Mackie, that's what he's known as, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Goggins. Such a good name. They've got some great names in America, haven't they? Goggins. Love them. Alright, what's next on the mailbag?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the viewpoint of a stripper. Yeah, we had one last week, I think, uhm. Well, we had it, it was a tweet from a stripper. Oh yeah, that's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen that happen as well, because they're like, Hungarian, Transylvania, but they think it should be part of Hungary. I've had this taxi driver tell me this before, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I think that's, that's, I think that's something that we own that they want back, whereas I think we have other things that we claim, do you see what I mean? That other people own. There's probably like bits of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sick of your stupid takes on this thing that I know more than you about. Exactly right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I love it. He's obviously a big fan. I don't think he meant it like that. I like his moxie. It's so easy to read it in that tone of voice. It's funnier as well, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are very defensive about things, they're very protective of things they want to be good, and you can enjoy things that aren't very good. I mean, I watch TV shows that are crap all the time, and films that are bad, and enjoy them. Oh I don't, I only watch good stuff. It's like The Witch, it's objectively bad, the TV show, but I still enjoyed it, y'know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things like Obi-Wan is that they have, they're doing the trickle release, you know, once a week, which is this thing which is obviously a marketing ploy to get people to talk about it and everything and keep, you know, but I refuse to watch any of these things until all of them are out. Like, I'm sick of hearing about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' all these, I mean even Better Call Saul I'm not watching it because I want the whole lot to be out and then I'll watch it, do you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's got bloody, uhm, Mark McKinney who's in Superstore. I think he's the best character in Superstore, honestly. He's playing like the, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's eight episodes, they're all in their sixties now. Yes, they're all. And it's technically season six. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy crap, that's a way to set up for a new show, watch a fucking show from 1984, jeez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we won't do that. Okay, good point. Yeah, we would replace you in a heartbeat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a bed of clientele inside a bistro, or as I aforementioned said, a brassery at a pitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hours go by, it's just that she's having her sky package upgraded and it won't be ready until Friday. Man, who has their sky? It's 2022, why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, if you imagine they soak up information, but a lot of crucial detail leaks out, and then it's uncontextualized nonsense that they reassemble into a fact inside their tiny brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In your northern slums, in your northern slums, you look in the dustbin for something to eat, you find a dead rat and you think it's a treat, in your northern slums. And then there's a second stanza, which is, in your northern slums, in your northern slums.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so on. So, you know, as long as he's still in Liverpool or rubbish or whatever, that's fine. That's a tame one, yeah. That's a tame one. I mean, there have been some really unpleasant ones, uhm. That's unpleasant. That is unpleasant. A lot of homophobic ones, a lot of racist ones you'd hear, although definitely not so much these days, but lower league grounds are still a hive of scum and villainy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think people think that Premier League fans are the worst, but they have a lot of stewards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a lot of people in there filming it and getting people booted out and all the rest of it. They've got a PR team to manage this stuff. So they get rid of all those kind of people. You go to lower leagues, you still hear a lot of racist chants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get back! We've never been in! It's been nearly 25 minutes of podcasts! I'm scared of opening that mailbag! You never know what's gonna come out. I'm vetting it. I'm very carefully vetting these, alright? Okay. Hit us with, uh, one, yeah. This is from Taylor. Or Tyler. T-A-Y-L-A. I dunno. Either way. Um. Taylor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they say, uh, that about mosh pits. So, Lewis said he compared the capital riots to mosh pits in a previous episode, apparently you did this. Bear in mind, we don't remember or even really know what we're saying half the time, so a throwaway comment results in ten emails, so, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quite funny. So, you basically thought it was a bunch of crazy people beating the shit out of each other in a weirdly socially accepted way. Uh, so. It was, it was, yea. I still stand by that. My boyfriend has been a metal fan since his early teens, who's been to many shows and will participate in The Pit. I actually had told him about the comments and he was disappointed!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As this community is often looked down upon by others and wishes people took the time to understand what it's all about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, the whole point is no one's actually trying to hurt anybody. If anybody does get punched, the other person will stop and make sure they're okay. Uh, I'm not saying that there aren't outliers to this, but if you're found to be purposefully hurting others, you are quickly removed from the pit by other fans slash security. And the artists that play these shows are also the first people to stop the act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and uh, check with the crowd if someone's been injured, make sure, if they're passed out, make sure they're taken care of before continuing. I witnessed this myself at a show I went to this past fall. Just so you're aware, the mosh pit is quite intense, but it's a chance to let loose and let all the bullshit of life go. People do get pretty intense and amped up for it, but it's more a feeling of being free and being yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the base to the summit. And then there's a cafe up there that sells booze. So if we did want to do it, uh, we just take the train up. Holy crap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find a remote hooters, perhaps one at the top of Snowden. Yes. And we'll go there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I've thought about doing that for years, doing the old, uh, American road trip, I'd love that. But, you gotta be, you gotta pick the right route, cause you wanna see good stuff, you don't wanna just see fields for like, a week. Yeah, but if you're, if you're PCasting the whole time, like we would be,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I had an email from Jake. We were talking about names.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and in his friend group, born around the early 2000s,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have a Craig, an Alan, and a Brian. Which is genuinely of interest to me because you just wouldn't hear any of those names. They are old names. They are old names. And his dad's name is Colin, but with a Y instead of an I. I don't know why he felt the need to point that out, but that is weird. That is a weird name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So first a machine reads the position of the beam, then the next turn around the circle they predict where the beam will be and use an electric field to correct it and put it back on course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To do this, the signal between the measurement and the correction needs to be faster than the beam to make the correction in time, which is fine for the LHC and the smaller accelerators leading up to it. But for the FCC, which is the future circular collider,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's gonna be, the large Hadron Collider is 27km circumference. The FCC is gonna be 100km circumference. The ring is too big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that too much can go wrong between the measurement and the correction. So the solution was to have multiple corrections around the ring which talk to each other via lasers above the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's huge. And a whole bunch of lakes and stuff. Yeah, it's absolutely insane. This thing is 100km long. And in the LHC is insane. 27km long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so the reason that these corrections didn't work is because pigeons kept flying in the way and disrupting the laser signals. I love the idea that you've built a 100km long tunnel, potentially, or in this case 27km long, got all the biggest brains in the world on there, but they, what, it's just open to the air? I thought it was a fucking tunnel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A guy that he works with once got called into work in the dead of night because something had gone wrong in one of the rooms where there's loads of wiring and connections where they read the signals from the accelerator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They couldn't figure out what was going wrong until somebody instructed the team to go around the room and jump up and down in unison while somebody read the signals. And if you jumped in a certain part of the room, the connection was loose and they dug through all of these circuit boards and everything and found this one tiny loose connection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the scariest part, I think I spoke about it previously, was that obviously under the pressure of the water, the submarine actually shrinks, and they have a piece of string, a literal piece of string that runs the length of the ship, and as you go deeper, the string gets slacker and slacker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the ship is actually shrinking and all the compartments like of equipment have gaps and the sort of squeezy bits in them, so that as the ship compresses the equipment gets smushed together. If you didn't have those gaps, then they'd just fucking crunch as the ship compresses. Jesus. It's incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a change of pace for you, Lewis. This is someone having a go at you, but don't worry, because there's a follow-up email that admonishes you, alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, whatever you want, because this is three lads having a conversation. This isn't some fucking scientific...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he might be an expert in art, but he doesn't know any English. Well, no, I might have read that. I misread that. Lewis genuinely believes, although he did spell tongue wrong, so there you go. Lewis genuinely believes that anywhere near half the population of the country has any idea who Goff is. He means Van Gogh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, he has somewhat of a more realistic grasp of the time we live in. Half the kids of this era can't Google him because they've no idea how to spell his name. If Starbucks rebounded his art, it would be like when Kanye and Paul McCartney collaborated. The youth all applauded Kanye for setting off Paul's career. They would respond the same to Starbucks and Goff. Anyway, Randover, huge fan. Have a nice day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've got a follow up for you. This redeems you, Lewis, in my opinion, and in, I hope, Jordan's opinion. This is from Luke. Hi, Perian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First off, if you ever find yourself in Amsterdam, I'd happily arrange a tour for you in our museum. Just let me know in advance, we'll get something set up. Now, regarding your discussion on the fame of Van Gogh, should you care, these are the numbers from my perspective and research done by the museum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you're in a Starbucks and you ask people coming in, have you ever heard of Starbucks? They'd be like, yes. There you go! 100% of people know Starbucks, like obviously that's not the point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Rijksmuseum located next door to our museum, which holds many famous paintings by Dutch masters, has a much smaller share of visitors that are international tourists. So he's just flexing on the Rijksmuseum there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, uh, an email from Corey. Uh, we talked about, uhm, the villages. Uh, and he says that he lives near the villages in Florida. Oh, the villages in Florida, the retirement area. He said it has a very bad reputation. Apparently, from what I've been told by younger people that live in the area, all the old people there are massive swingers and have wild swinger parties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, some people always say, my mum always said to me that if you ever see that pampas grass growing outside someone's house, that means they're a swinger. That's what she told me. Alright. Uh, cause that was her friend Carol had told her that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would, like, you'd go around Bournemouth and there'd be people. You know that? It's like the really long stems that look fluffy at the top. That's another name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's to do with where on your body the fluid you want to swap is located.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you just swapping spit? Or are you stop swapping, uh, the rest of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they're so safe. I'm not saying that wearing a helmet will save your life if a car clobbers you. I get it. And if you have really safe cycles, paths, and all the rest of it, you might think, I don't need to wear one, nobody ever falls off, we've got all this safety, safety, safety. I'm just saying, you're in an elevated position on a bicycle,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, talking of issues, the other day, alright, so I watched Thelma and Louise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so Thurma and Louise was tremendous. I hadn't seen it in 30 years probably. I hadn't seen it in a very long time. And it's a really good movie. Very, very ahead of its time and really beautifully shot and really, really good. Very young Brad Pitt in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's one of his first roles and Michael Madsen is in it as well. And I'm watching it with Mrs. F and she said that Michael Madsen is no good. He's a piece of shit. It's a shame he's a piece of shit. I said, why do you think Michael Madsen is a piece of shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so Tom Sizemore, who always played the reliable guy, like he was the sergeant in Satan Private Ryan, he was like Mr. Dependable, he's a piece of shit. Okay, so this is interesting, he went out with Heidi Fleiss, the Hollywood madam, Heidi Fleiss, was his girlfriend, he was convicted


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, but uh, he's basically been caught for drugs constantly, while on probation he gets arrested outside a Sheraton hotel in California with methamphetamine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes on Dr. Phil in 2018, um. He did a porno as well, did he not? He did, yeaah. In early 2014, a recording emerged of Sizemore alleging that his former girlfriend


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where they get fucking... Celebrity rehab. Celebrity rehab, he was on this. Uh, Drew Pinsky, uh, said that, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Arriving as a special guest because Heidi Fleiss was also on the show, his ex-girlfriend. Both she and Sizemore had to consent to appear together. And they basically turned up and had this big fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kalash at the end, uh, she taunted Sizemore that the thought of being with him would turn women gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so then, he's obviously angry he's still on drugs. Please note, count contest in 2017.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2014, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 movies. 2015 he makes 8 movies. 2016, 2017 he makes like 15 movies. 2018 he makes 7 movies. These are all straight to fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gorgeous in this movie, by the way. Uhm, she, uh, she's like six foot tall. She was married to Jeff Goldblum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, tighter than a frog's arse, which is used to refer to a tight squeeze, but could also be refused to someone who's cheap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So why is fucking hell, that's literally, literally like half the planet and every piece of machinery, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well apparently, this is the brackets, I have nothing to do, is the close brackets. That is the explanation given for the application of this phrase. Oh, like I'm bored. So if you're just standing around saying, Jesus, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch. Like, he's lost for, lost for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do also have, uhm, a book that my friend Sarah sent me, which is a list of texts and phrases, which I think you guys might like. For example, like a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just handy on a pig, got little pockets. I suppose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You definitely don't want a Texan to say that you're as- you're older than two trees. Not just one tree, two trees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, but it's just like, I can't believe how quickly time passes. Like the older, like when I was a kid, man, it felt like just every day was an eternity. And now it's just like, every day is over in a heartbeat. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, creatures are a habit, right? Like, you get into routines and then those routines just become your norm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, unless something big happens, like for instance, like, you know, your wife has a baby or like, you know, like there's going to be big milestones peppered throughout the year, I guess. But for the most part, you're just doing the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, listen to this, okay? I had a dream the other night. What does this mean? I know you guys like to analyze dreams and stuff. Okay, tell me what this one means because this one was, this was an alarming one, okay? So I was inspecting a house for some reason and it was just kind of this old dingy house that had


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A basement and uh, so I looked around the house and it was all kind of pokey and old and it, it looked like one of those houses that like an old couple had died in, you know, of old age sort of thing. It just hadn't been touched for decades and had like all the old electrics and it was just a bit, just a bit grubby, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went down the basement and the basement was really stuffy, like really gross and hard to like breathe in and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, in my dream, I got down there, had a quick look around and I was just like, yeah, okay, whatever. I don't need to look at more of this. It's kind of gross down here. Like I got to get out of here. I walked back upstairs and then you get up the stairs of the basement and there's like a bit of a landing and like a hallway that leads back out into like another hallway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was way too narrow and I just could not get through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, just some Dota, but like, I wouldn't have thought that that would manifest into a dream like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, all that stuff's kinda sorted out now though, like, I dunno, maybe, it could be, but like, it was just such a- I remember just feeling like, not even- I wasn't panicking, I was just like, aw crap, I'm like, gonna be stuck in here now, and then I just woke up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt a bit shitty and then for about a week after, I couldn't smell or taste anything. I was a bit bunged up. Wow. And I thought maybe I had COVID, but I tested myself every day and I, and I never came back positive, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I feel fine, so I don't know. I don't know if it was relating to the booster or if it was just general, cause there's just been a ton of sickness going around generally from schools and stuff, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, my whole year, my year is an easy one because it felt like half of the year was waiting for the baby to be born and then the baby was born mid-July and the rest of the year has just been dealing with born babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, yeaah, that's enough I guess for a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was insane, yeah. Like, it's been nice, like, with Christmas, like, thank Christ it's over, but at the same time, it's kinda nice, because when Christmas hits, everything's closed, you can't go to town to get anything else, right? And then, the couple of days after...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then a couple of days after, everybody's just so burnt out that nobody wants to do anything. So it's been actually kinda nice, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a recovery. Cause the lead up to Christmas is just a, it's like a zoo, right? Like every time you go to town too, fuck me, I don't know what people are doing. Like there's so many people rushing around trying to get stuff and everything and you just think, oh my god, this is not worth it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have some chill about it as well. Like, I mean, if you're in that situation, I mean, clearly you've got better things to do if you've left it to the last minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you're in the situation where you've left it all to the last minute, don't have a meltdown in public. You know, like, it's nobody else's fault or problem that you've decided to do this at this time, right? So like, I feel like at least they could just be reasonable about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many of these people are like honking at you because you're taking too long to park and stuff like that. And you just think, come on, like what are you doing? Like how has your life become gotten to this point where you're, you're, you're actually behaving like, uh, like you're having like a tantrum, like a child in public because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your timekeeping is bad. You know what I mean? Like it's just, it's crazy. I don't understand how people become like that or start like that or whatever. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the beep, you're the beeper and no longer the BP. Yeah. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every episode was some sort of social gathering or something, but it was so good. Like, it really fleshed out how insane everybody is and stuff. Man, Connor is hilarious, eh? Fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. Go for it. Well anyway, Lewis, if you haven't watched it yet, I would suggest it. It's a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever watched the Italian crime thriller Gomorrah, the TV series? Cause the fifth and final season just came out. I haven't watched it yet, but I'm a big fan. I can't wait to watch it. I haven't, I haven't, I tell you what I did watch, I watched Don't Look Up. Oh yeah, I heard that's meant to be pretty good. It's got DiCaprio in it, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mr. President, get down! But like nowadays, I don't think anybody would say, Mr. President, get down. I don't think anybody gives a shit, right? I'd be like, oh, okay, well, uh, Joe, I gotta go, see you later. Like I'm not, you know what I mean? Like I don't think anyone's getting down for the president anymore or, or helping them get down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I'm getting ready to chow down, I'm looking forward to deliver most of all. Do your own research. That sounds pretty grim. I mean, it sounds interesting though. I'll probably check it out. I watched, uhm, the movies that made us on aliens, which was kinda interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no breaks and stuff, so he was like, I don't know. It like, eh, eh, eh, driven I guess, and maybe a bit insane, but I mean, I guess he got the job done too, like he made some pretty iconic movies. It's a great movie, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, again, like I don't have any investment in it, you know, it's just like whatever, like I just, I don't even know what, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking love when that happens. You know when you're just like, you don't realize that there's more of something that you liked and you find out and you're just like, oh shit, yeah, I know exactly what I'm going to be doing later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, uh, binging like crazy, like I remember that happened one, one time with, uh, hip hop evolution, the, uh, the documentary series.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a TV series as well on Sky Atlantic, I think. I'm not sure if it's HBO or something, but there's a Dazboot TV series. Like a long running one. It's meant to be quite good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think the weirdest thing, like I think about that and then I think about, you know, space travel or being in a spaceship or even being in an airplane. But the difference is that when you look out the window of into space or out of an airplane,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can actually see stuff, you know, like you have some concept of where you are, but when like under water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no windows, and even if there was windows, you wouldn't be able to see shit anyway. It's just the extra layer of, uh, of, you know, sheer terror that I don't need and I don't want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a whole bunch of, uh, there's a whole bunch of buildings in, uh, I think Singapore? It's like an 800 ton pendulum. Yeah, they do the same thing, there's like these gigantic pendulums inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gives it, it gives it like a, cause if it's too rigid, it's a problem. So it gives it like the, the most efficient flexibility or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, it's, it's the downward force. If you look at the calculation, I think it's like, uh, f equals, um, g over five, two to the power of, uh, three, um, repeating, of course, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna read it up. I'm gonna read it up right now. It looks, in some buildings, like when you see this thing, it looks like the room in the building that's like the Gozer shrine. You know, like it just looks fucking crazy. Like it looks, it just looks insane. Like, like nothing you've ever seen before. Kinda thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they're saying, yeah, Taipei and there's a bunch in Singapore as well, right? Really tall buildings in Singapore where they've used the same. I think it's just like the way to do it now, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The amount of stuff I ate over the holidays, if I didn't close the door, it'd be a health hazard to my whole neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, yeah. Yeah, I used one recently. I used one in Portugal, and feared for my life every time. But it was fun, but it was dangerous as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you park it at a bank though, and there's tons of other ones, you just check it in and then when you come back you just check out another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're looking at it, I think you're looking at it from the point of view of like, uh, somebody who was born like in and around the eighties who had their own bike and, and, you know, use that as a primary mode of transport for a lot of their life. I don't think they're used like that now. You know what I mean? I think it's just like, I have to get to like, uh, the theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like, you're not like hiring the thing for a day and using it like you would have used your bike like when you were a kid sort of thing. It's like, you're just using it to get from A to B and then you figure out the rest of it after, I think, is the way they designed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I know when we were using them in Lisbon that we just did the same. It was like, do you want to walk there? Or, oh hang on, there's two scooters here, let's just take these. And then when you get to where you're going, you just check them in and you're done, sort of thing. And then, you know, when it comes time to,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To go back or go home or something, you just figure it out. Either there's a scooter around or you get a cab or walk or whatever, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just vibing, that's what they say nowadays, right? I'm vibing all over the place. I can't stop vibing, I'm just vibing. Just full time vibe. Just unfit, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know how I know that though. I'm not actually, I'm not showing off or anything. I think it just, it's one of those stupid bits of knowledge that somehow I've retained.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of a sudden you're eligible for far more jobs than you would have been before. Wow. Yeah, you can, uh, you can apply for a checkbook at the bank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uhm, just related to this and I don't want to go off on one too much, but I just had the thought about uhm, I've been watching Winning Time, you know, the story of the LA Lakers in the late 70s, 80s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, the whole, like, Lakers Showtime era, you know, when they, when they brought in, like, the cheerleading squad, the Laker girls, and they weren't just, like, traditional cheerleaders, they were doing, like, kind of, like, raunchy dances and stuff like that, and it just, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just, it just blew open the franchise for like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Court side for like celebrities to have seats and all that kind of stuff. But if they did that in Dota, I mean Dota's already pretty...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just hardcore porn, like, uh, playing like in the background while the players are playing and, you know, like all the, all the kind of like the typical things. Yeah, the stuff the gamers are really into, you know what I mean? Like they could, I feel like they could introduce some of those elements and just really spice up the DPC big time, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I think the, I think the cosplay scene for Dota is, is, is not bad. Like you, you do see, there's always people posting like, hey, check out my, uh, Crystal Maiden cosplay. Uhm, you know, like there's always, there's always pictures of people dressing up as characters from Dota.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, the ones who do it well, do it very well. Like, uh, you know, like they go as far as to have not only a great costume and stuff, but then they get like a professional photographer to, you know, take pictures of them posing like out in nature and stuff like that. It's, it's, it's pretty, it's pretty impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seems like it'd be a pretty fun thing to do if you're really into that, you know? Yeaah. You can get to like, make your costume, uh, you know, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune, all that kind of stuff. Like, uh, it's, it feels like it'd be pretty satisfying to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think a responsible thing to do is, uh, if you are thinking of ever owning a pet or, or, or having a pet or whatever, have a car as well and maybe get your license too. Like, you know, just, just see it as like, uh, as like something that you kind of need. Cause I think you kind of do need to have your own car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you have a pet, for emergencies, just for general taking them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bear in mind that it might be handy to have a car and a driving license. You know what I mean? Like I think it's, it's same with kids. If you're thinking of having kids, it's pretty useful to have a car and a driving license and a seat for the kids to sit in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they do that with a lot of electric cars. Like, I know they do that over here as well. It's like, uh, just these small little electric smart cars. Yeah. And they're like, they feel like, I don't know, they're probably not, cause they're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have a helmet, and uh, you're like right on the road with other cars and stuff, which is... Do you go on the road? Well, yeah, I mean, there's, there's like bike paths and stuff, but you're still kinda, you know, brushing shoulders with cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's like, you know, the brakes on a bike, you know, it's like a little like, it's like that, you press that and then it just goes. How fast do they go? Sometimes, sometimes the handles, uh, turn as like they twist, you know. Right. But how fast do they go? Well, you can adjust how fast they go based on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were alright, you think? They were okay. It's interesting with helmets and stuff though, because uhm, I'm sure I've spoken about this before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a trademark thing to say on this podcast, but I don't know if I've actually spoken to you guys about it. Uhm, the, the attitude towards helmets, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For instance, when I was a kid, like in the eighties, was totally, there's so much more awareness now around needing a helmet and the kinds of things that can happen to you when you're riding a bike or whatever, doing something where you would normally nowadays definitely need a helmet for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, those guys barely wore helmets and there's like, there's a fucking, it's like a bullet in the arena that you're playing in constantly, you know, like that thing pings you upside the head. You're probably dead. Like they're going fast. It's hard as well, right? Like it's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's crazy. Like even goalies didn't wear helmets. They had like no helmets. Like it's wild to think. And it's sad to think too that it's taken


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many people to have head trauma or, you know, die in an accident for people to finally realize, Oh, hang on. Maybe I should wear a helmet when I'm doing this, like high speed sports or whatever. Uh, it's crazy. But like now that I have kids as well, I'm, I'm like extra aware of,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of, uh, you know, helmets and on bikes and scooters and everything else. Like we, we just put their helmets on all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The trick is, when you're about to speak publicly and you look out at the audience, the trick is to imagine them all, uh, ass naked, wearing only black socks. That's what, uh, Fraser said one time. And he said it makes it easier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should have lied to them at the time and been like, did you know that this is the worst rated ice cream place on TripAdvisor and you're standing in line for this? You could have really pranked them hard there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They might say, oh look, that guy waved, and then that's it, they'll never think about it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not as convenient, but I understand. I surprisingly have a lot of time in the day when I'm not on a computer or device, but I think it's because my kids are still quite small and I have so many of them as well. So it's a little bit different, but yeah, I don't know. Maybe like at some point I'll, I could benefit from having a diary. I don't know, but like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our baby is almost a year old now, which is insane. It's gone so fast. So I'm there with you. I know how you feel. Like this year especially has just gone by like a flash of light. It's been crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, 97's still a while back though, I mean, you're still- 25 years. This is a good couple years there, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but they're not anything like, they don't even resemble what they started out as, right? And they're only around because of investors and people who know what they're doing, sort of propelling them along, right? I don't think Moleskin is gonna survive a hundred years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was perusing in the pharmacy the other day, I happened to be in the pharmacy, and I was looking at a high quality loofah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't really know what that is, and uh, I thought the name- What would you use it for? I don't know. It looks like a towel, like I don't know. It's one of those products that is packaged so poorly that you just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apparently the almonds are going that way now. The amount of almonds that are being harvested


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[Assistant] It's just the scale of everything, that's why, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it is all time limited, so you have to, you're, you're, you're trying to be efficient, right? Like that's the puzzle, is, is, is figuring out how...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, normally uhm, I guess it depends on the mode that you're playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, less of like a city builder, but uhm, but basically you're, you're just trying to create these little, little towns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks, it's a little bit janky, but, uh, apparently like a lot of, like it's been updated a lot and a lot of people are saying like, even though graphically it's not incredible and stuff like that, the, the systems are really, really good, satisfying and, and, uh, it's just like, it, it just turns into a really nice sort of like management, uh, logistics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you can, yeaah. I think there's all sorts of stuff that can, uh, that can happen. But it's like, I feel like it...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And from when I played it, it plays a bit like Tropico as well, you know, where you have to have like the right people, like, and you have to assign the workers to like the right jobs and you can have these gigantic like communal farms and everything and, uh, you know, trains to just like haul all of the, the, the, the products and everything. So I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess it happens. That does happen sometimes. They just have to like balance it out a bit or tone it down or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, which you normally have people playtesting to help you with that. Right, right. Stuff before you release, but if you don't have that luxury, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about, uh, what about Spot, the different, um, games?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're, so they must have one server now, like they must have scaled back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, well the game didn't come out until, like the game came out in like 2000 and- 2012. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the Gills Jedi, and so is everyone else who plays on that server. You'd think so, yeah. You would think so. Nobody is casually playing that game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were alone in the house and you realised you were dying, like everything's growing dark, what is the chance you'd come in and just factory reset your PC just to be on the safe side?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I suppose that the legacy I'd be worried about would be if, if my kids remembered me negatively because they'd seen how bad I was at Dota or something, you know, it would be, it might be something that you would want to put in your past for the sake of your, uh, would it, would it be antecedents or I think it would be, right? The kids that come after you, people that come after you. So I wouldn't want people to look back and say, Oh, grandpa Ted, what was he like? Well, we all thought he was all right, but he's crazy. You know, something like that. So I guess that's, I don't care about legacy as in what people think of me, but I would hate to embarrass my children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have that. I tend to have one, which is, it's a recurring one where I think I'm honestly pretty sure we've spoken about this before, but it'll be in a dream. I'm in a building, like an office or some kind of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Business place and I go off to find something or I need to go somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as I'm wandering off, I start to get lost and I end up going down and down and down more perilous looking staircases until I get to the basement. And I'll realize that I'm stuck and I'm lost and the only way out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Voluntarily thinking, what should I do this weekend? Let's go into a place where you need special equipment just to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hope to God you survive, uh, to go into this cave, which could flood unexpectedly, or there could be a rockfall and I'm stuck down here, and the wor- the even worse ones are the ones where it's underwater as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they do this, I watched a podcast, I think unfortunately it was the Joe Rogan podcast, but anyway. It was one where this guy goes down there with this other guy and he was leading this other guy around. They have these tow lines that you hold onto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, do you wanna go to the swimming pool and someone gets in trouble and you're like, well I gotta say myself, I'm sorry. It's too perilous a situation. You're gonna have to drown. You knew the risks coming in. It's like, this isn't fun anymore. This isn't a hobby. This is like, you're so desperate for danger that you're putting your life on the line. What, for the story? Is that it? Is it for the story? I don't understand. It's awful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's interesting because first of all I would like it to be more nation specific because if I'm twenty- I think there are, yeaah. So the question is for that average day,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If that's the average day of someone living somewhere without clean running water, that's obviously a very different statistic from someone living in Bristol, say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, what is the micromort for a 20 year old in Bristol? That's what I'd need to see that. So what easy things can I do? That's gotta probably be average, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's weird. I would say that's because you're probably in terrible shape if you're eating that much peanut butter in one sitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is important. Right. He needs to know. So the population in Bournemouth is about 183,491. Yeah. Okay, roughly. That's in 2011. So let's say it's around, it's around one person my age should die in Bournemouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every year? Or every day? Every day. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's, I know a bunch of people who've got COVID at the moment. Yeah. Loads of parents and kids and all the rest of it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you, you put a load of contact information in, login information for things if you want, whatever. And, because people have these big connected lives online, you could get it so that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every, let's say, I don't want to say every month, because there might be an occasion where you just can't get in touch with the service. But there needs to be some kind of definitive way that the service finds out that you've died. Right? And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it finds that out, it auto-fires off a bunch of emails that you've pre-written


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd wanna send a tweet calling out all the people I wanna call out from beyond the grave. Spilling the beans, like a mega thread of bean spilling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is his name. His name is the most German name imaginable. German Heinz Muller, who's lived in Suffolk most of his life, wanted to raise £300 for the East Anglian Air Ambulance. But an inquest said he died a terrible death when the charity stunt in a village pub went tragically wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was told an old iron bath had been placed in a public bar at the dog and duck and filled with 500 tons, tins, tons, tins of baked beans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At a block of flats in Bristol. This is, this is in April of this year, after a resident claimed they overheard arguing over a can of baked beans. So it's actually more dangerous to get in an argument about baked beans than it is to be around baked beans, I would wager.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like them, so there is a barbecue sauce called Salt Lick that I was sent by my friend in Texas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she sent me this, uh, it's like a bottle of salt-lick barbecue sauce. Let me tell you something. If you get miserable baked beans that we normally sell in this country, which is literally just in a thin runny ketchup, if you add a good barbecue sauce to it with a little bit of heat, those beans become magical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, you know what, that was one of my favorite bits. I think it was Breaking Bad, where they go to the German ketchup factory and the guy tastes the ketchup. Uhm, I think he gets assassinated. And I just love the idea that there's a whole factory of people and scientists in lab coats trying to get ketchup flavor just right. I, I, there, so there'll be people out there doing that for barbecue sauce, but in like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Reggie's jizzin' in the sauce. That's, uh, why he doesn't share the secret. They say that, uh, they say that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you what you do, you then dedicate your life to finding how to make something taste exactly like Jizz, so you can add that instead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can add that instead and say it's just a special savoury flavouring that we add. A patented flavouring. And you don't tell anyone that you've spent millions of pounds and years of your life dedicated to making a seasoning that tastes exactly like man juice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's my question, here's my question, they lock these recipes away, blah blah blah, but there must come a point where someone has to actually make this flavouring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but you're relying on, I guess if you spread the information thinly enough throughout the organisation, so that everybody does one small part, nobody actually knows what the whole looks like, and they would all have to get together, and you keep the sites separate, the different, maybe you set them against each other, the different departments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and I suppose that in that way, but then at the same time you then do need to get a certain number of ingredients that you purchase every, every, uh, month or whatever to make it whatever it is you're making. Anyone with a brain should be able to figure out what's happening here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a three dram extract of coca. You're gonna tell us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two and a half gallons of water, two pints of lime juice, an ounce of vanilla, one and a half ounces of caramel,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, that was in one of the advertisements, it was a lady, a naked lady or something, like they concealed stuff, the artist concealed stuff in an ice cube reflection or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's all kinds of stuff like that. I mean, there was a big thing, I think it was probably in the 70s, maybe even the 60s, where they talked about subliminal advertising as a thing, and they'd flash images at people and stuff, it never worked. Uh, as I understand it, it's been disproven as uh, as pseudo-science, but uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think subliminal advertising is, as a concept, interesting, but gibberish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Really? Yeah. He just said Kurt Russell and then died. I don't know why, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They turn off roller coasters when the rain comes in because they're worried about storms. You should be worried too. You're holding a piece of metal in a wide open space. Just get in the golf cart and get the fuck out of doors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what you should do is lie down in a bunker. Get in that bunker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think more importantly, you can get electrocuted probably because you'd be another conductor for the lightning once it hits the tree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time we were, I would say that me and Mrs. F were going out, uh, this is quite early days, this was in 1995. And there was a big thunderstorm over her house, and where she lived at the time was quite sort of rural, and there was a field.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A route, if you like. Not like, intelligently, but it's just when it finds the optimal route, the lightning is naturally conducted along that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when you see those rivers going along and it's not very deep, it only needs to be a meter deep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's tons and tons and tons, and all the water behind it pushing it, cause you can't compress water. No. It ain't going anywhere, so it's just gonna shove everything out the way. You got no chance. You got no chance. Water is, uh, amazing stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back. So, uh, so it's been a busy week, as usual. How's it? Uh, loads, loads of stuff's happened. Ooh, fill me in, brother. All sorts of wild things. So, we were visited by TommyInnit. Do you know TommyInnit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a mega star on YouTube, yeah, he's huge. He's enormous. And, um, well, I mean, being 17, I guess, meant he was 15 when Covid started. Wow. Which is very worrying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know some, um, one of the longest johns is two year old Taz Covid, which is apparently just not fun at all for anyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well that, no, YouTube, remember, it doesn't show you stuff you've already seen, so no one ever-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm 38, right? Like, he obviously watched our content when we started doing stuff on YouTube. He should not have been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he would have been five. Well, yeah, I mean, we started like eleven years ago, so I was twenty-seven, so I was ten years older than he is now, when we started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and we didn't really get successful for, for three or, you know, two or three years of doing it. And so it was kind of this strange, obviously, obviously he's familiar with us, but in an old school way, right? Like he's not, he's not kept along following any of the new folks and changes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't really even know Duncan, do you know what I mean? He was just interested in the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously he's doing like a vlog channel, so he came and sort of wanted to do a sort of skit, and we were all like, oh god, what do we do, because this isn't really our thing, right, we're not really gonna like, jump around and chase people around the office and do like, the kind of content that he


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I watched a bunch of his stuff, like uhm, and it's all good, it's all interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing about Tommy in it is that these guys have very watchable videos, like do you know why Dream is so successful on YouTube?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing, you watch some of this stuff, and it's really fucking amazing, he is so good at Minecraft. I watched him fall off a cliff, craft a boat in his inventory, place the boat down, and survive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, yeah, good, good one. Sure, no, by all means, we could ask her about all of these folks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, yeah, okay, sure. Those... I guess that's a snapshot into... But the fact that she's heard of Tommy in it is a big deal. We went out for, uh, Wagamama's. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of boy band level of fame for kids in school uniform, though. It's interesting, so we went up to Wacken Mamas, on Park Street, about, I think it was six different groups of actually, mostly girls, stopped Tommy in it, and wanted a picture or selfie or something, and say hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kind of difficult to deal with though, because I think you can put a huge amount of work and effort and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But obviously that used to be the way that YouTube's algorithm rewarded you. You know, it rewarded you for more content. They obviously wanted YouTubers to create more content and so they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're absolutely right, and that's much more inclusive as well, but also it allows you to have a better experience on YouTube, right, basically you're gonna watch the best videos from the best ten people, you'll watch ten different zings, right, in half an hour, rather than watching


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I sort of felt, I didn't, I'm not really having a crisis about it. Yeah, it just felt old, I get it. About Tommy in it, but I did feel...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt old and unfunny, I felt like, I felt like out of touch, I felt, also I felt like this overwhelming sense, and I think this is something that you just get when you're old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not regret, but disappointment that I wasn't better before, or I didn't do things, or I missed opportunities before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jamie, like, I feel like, oh, why did we stop doing Minecraft? Or, oh, why did we do this? Or, why didn't we do this? And it's kind of quite fucking depressing, and I guess this is something that you're always gonna have as you grow more experienced. I mean, he's not done anything to have regrets about, or missed opportunities on, right?