[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so now you're contemplating a mark. You're already thinking who you're gonna kill?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See? And you think I should defend this? Of course! You're my wife! What do you not get abou- No babe, no. Cause what's gonna happen is, one day I'm gonna slight ya, and then you're gonna murder me. You're gonna kill our children and our dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, I cannot support- I told you, if you hit somebody with a car, guess what, I'm the first one to be out there and hiding the body with you. You know that, right? That's the kind of love I have for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You hit a bicyclist or something, they're dead on the road, I'm gonna come out there with you, I'm gonna find somewhere to bury this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna find somewhere to burn his body. Now what we've learned is that you have to dig a hole


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to get hydrochloric acid, pour it on the body, and then cover it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just told you if it's, if it's manslaughter and voluntary manslaughter, not first degree, I can't, I can't, I can't support you in first degree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what's considered a slight in your world? Let's talk about that, cause maybe, maybe I can get on board if it's a legit...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here's, here's when I think it's okay. Here's when somebody fucks with our kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like seriously fucks up with our kids or hurts them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's different. That's probably the only scenario. Or they try to fuckin' hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like physically tried to kill us and you kill them first? Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm talking about some guy cuts you off in traffic and you're applying, cause that's what it sounds like to me, is where you're headed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody cuts you off in traffic, somebody, your Starbucks doesn't come out hot enough, and you're plotting the barista's death. That's what I'm hearing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, look, you're already on the brink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would report you so fucking fast, so fast, if you were doing crazy stuff like that. Oh, you're out. You're in jail, partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna turn on me and the kids. I gotta protect my youngins. Why do you keep turning it into that? It's not. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Because that's where it goes. No, it doesn't go there. Okay, let me ask you this. How many killers have good relationships with wives and children? Go. Number of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, they always side with you on nonsense like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, any woman that's got children knows to protect them. I would protect my children from you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're outta here. You're outta here. Gone. If you, if you, if you were violent like that, gone. Tom, you're gone. What's a deal breaker for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other deal breakers. Well, what about, what about me? Would you turn me in if I killed the barista?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Maybe I should be locked up if I'm doing crazy stuff like that. Never thought about that, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, listen to me. When you read about your serial killers,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go home and kill my kids. So Yana, Yana, what that leads me to believe is that your specific brand of sociopathy lends itself to crimes of passion. Now, if you're gonna kill the barista over a coffee, you're certainly prone to kill your wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if I get your coffee wrong? I bring you a, a, a cup of coffee without milk. You're gonna slit my throat too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, listen, Norwegians are, they do their own thing. Everybody knows they're different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just absolute craziness. Well, you should go back to the deadline posting of our CBS deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honestly think that's the best album title I've ever heard. I love the album title. I mean, what a talent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so you, Tom, the last time we were all together, was it when we were all together, you f- Well first of all, Doug, congratulations, you just got married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we had a lovely time, we were drinking, we were laughing, and then you farted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, you don't even know this person yet. You have to have some precedence with them before you fart in front of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you farted, and it was in our kitchen too, which was really nice. We were all sitting at the dining room table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I feel as though I've experienced the same. My life is a mirror to her, so we're in solidarity. Now how long did you wait before you farted in front of her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so you farted as friends in front of her, so by the time you were lovers, it was like, now do you, here's the thing, here's the line in the sand that Tom and I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, uh, Tom and I will make marital loves. And then afterwards...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll wait about 10 or 15 minutes before he starts farting again. And then he'll, he'll be like, but I held it in this whole time for you. Like he was doing me a favor that whole 10 or 15 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's called love, Tom. Why don't you support me in that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like if I don't turn you into the cops for murder, you can talk through me, you can talk through the door when you're taking a shit with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you've not let me in the last 14 years. I've tried too many times and you're always, you just ignore me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I love what Doug does when you guys go on the road together is he makes embarrassing t-shirts. Oh my god. And you guys travel together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeez, did you ever find these guys or did anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do. I'll tell you what, in college I lived with four other kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we had the exact same problem. There was one turlet. It was in its own room and then four other people. So here's what you got to do. You got to be loud and proud and vocal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you gotta start announcing your dumps. Hey guys, I gotta make a brown, nobody fuck with me right now. And maybe put like a thing on the door. Hey, I'm browning, like a note on the door, like leave me the fuck alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause we had, okay, so yeaah, we had one male living with us, Kevin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let the brown down. I could even suggest waking up an hour before your roommates generally do. Drink your coffee, take your shit before anyone else is awake. Or do late night dumps when everybody's asleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's not that unattractive. As far as these creepers go that we play on the show, he's better than the guy with no teeth. He's better than, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't it upsetting that you spent 16 years honing a craft for people to notice you and come see your show and then this asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the crazy, this is the crazy guy on the subway. Do you think that this is in a museum and this is like an installation and people are like, oh, wonderful. That room looks like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A staggering comment on capitalism and Trump's America. Is that what this is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd rather listen to scatting than this guy. I'd rather buy tickets and invest in a night watching scatting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I'm not sophisticated, but I don't understand the art world when it does stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like stuff like, like interpretive things. They just anger me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I'm not sophisticated or something because I don't like the fucking yodeling guy in the museum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a whole point of something like that, isn't it? Just to make normal people feel dumb. Cause they don't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're showing that who's boss. So you're telling me that you don't ever use the utility of the hole that's provided?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shoe pants. On occasion, yeaah. Wait, I'm sorry, explain to me why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's because you guys, yeah, like why can't I do this too? And then I'll cut a slit in my jeans and then just let the fountains go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That stayed for a while. And the Chewbacca impressions lasted well into the early 2000s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, then that would be rape or taking advantage of that rape. Yeaah, I don't know, some form of molestation or I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, he can come whenever he wants, if he can run a corporation and do all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's annoying and especially because, well let's see, let's do it the other way. If somebody who was on the opposite end of that spectrum put a sign on their lawn, they'd be really lit up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that kinda went out of fashion, these bumper stickers, but for a while it was like, that's how you declared your, now I guess it's social media, you can be like, this is what I'm all about, here's my political stuff, like alright dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I read this one? I think I like it. Just another day being bio gender. I feel so amazing. I love being connected to nature. I'm a reincarnation of a dinosaur. I'm so happy. Thank you all for being accepting and to my haters. Please stop. Love you all. Uh, there's zero punctuation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there's a person in grass, like licking the grass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then this person is- has a leaf in their mouth, like they're-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, as you can see, uh, audience, listening, my husband has a long history of declaring violence, senseless violence on me, on restauranteers, restauranteurs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doug, what's your- by the way, I have to let you guys know, I'm a huge Instagram and We Know fan. I love Doug Mallard's Instagram. They're so funny, I love your posts. So what's your address or whatever the fuck it's called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looked fresh, we got a close up of the mouth, I got to really see those teeth that look like candy corn, just four of them, and we got a neat burp at the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you're in Koreatown? Do you have the guy at the bus stop who pe- who uh, sharpies his beard in? Is he still around there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hopefully he's still there. If you live in Koreatown in LA, hit me up if you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's the bearded lady in Silver Lake. Let me know if she's still around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there was a Silver Lake walker, I don't know if that, maybe before your time, but this guy was a doctor, a medical doctor, but he would eat like crap and apparently would spend about 12 hours a day just walking through Silver Lake shirtless in these turquoise shorts. There was even a mural dedicated to him on the sunset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I was just gonna say that I'm so surprised that a medical professional listens to this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Cause, you know, with, with mega people, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, there it is, Jean. There it goes. There it goes, there it is, there it was. Just keep on moving as you like to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a lot to get into. We have a very exciting podcast today. We do. We have not one, but two guests, which is the very first time we've ever done that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unprecedented. Maybe the last time we'll ever do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, it's not a reflection on them, it's just that we're like, we have one seat, so there can only be one, but now we have to do...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I know another duo that has asked to come in that we should accommodate too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I can't. Oh, come on. I'll tell you off mic. They're coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's do a proper show, open, let's get this thing going, right? Let's party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't even show it. I mean, and also it's unflattering to have the camera below you. You want it to be above you or at least even with you. Sure. He's standing over it like, anybody wanna have dinner with me? He's nice. Uhm, he must have really hit some huge barriers to have to make this video though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, let's look it up. Church Hills in Spokane. Let's see. That's kind of a desperate play. It's a steakhouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The steaks, our beef is strictly USDA prime. Top sirloin, ribeye, cowboy ribeye, yeah, porterhouse, fillet mignons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can have cougar gold mac and cheese on the side. What's a cougar gold? That sounds good though. Sauteed asparagus with balsamic syrup or hollandaise sauce. This is very nice. Oh, beautiful photos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, they're gonna abuse him, but he's setting himself up. I'll tell you why man, cause you're leading with the money to have dinner. You can't do that. What you should be doing is just like, hey, I'm single.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fortnite's video game. Uhm, you know, I think he should just lead with what his genuine interests are. Would anyone like to have dinner? You can just say that. You don't have to mention that it's Churchill's. Anyone like to have dinner? I bet you're gonna get a response from someone in Spokane that this single wants to have dinner with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's totally douchey to lead with money. And to be like, you know, if you're, you're conflicting what your desire is with how you're getting it. Cause you're saying, what I really want is to meet someone and have a family. I'll pay you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I get you like young, but I mean why is it that specific?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's 28, you're like, you just didn't make the cut. A smoke show. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're also kind of removed from culture and slang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he's like I think you can oversee, I'm giving you a grand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I paid your prostitute prone mother to have dinner with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, but see now I think what he's actually trying to suggest is that he is in the, cause it's part of his, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that he's in the age group to give better DNA, but for creating a family and a child, the younger woman would be the better. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a lot. It was good. He was like, yeah, you keep nuttin' bro. He said it like that. I was like, that is not medically appropriate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, that was so fun. What did you say to her? I went in the room and they were gonna make sure I have good jizz. And then she's like, you know, she's, her eyes are down. She's like, here's a TV here. Here's a remote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, what do I do with it? And you know what's weird about the jizz? When they test your jizz, they go shoot it into this cup, but make sure your penis doesn't touch the cup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Inside, outside, the rim, just have the jizz go right in there and then, then just cover up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, it's a plastic cup, but it's, you know, it's not that deep, and it's not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it has a big enough opening, but it's just not deep, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they have a specific, I remember they were like, make sure you haven't come within the last 24 hours, but no more than three days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, old gist. So interesting. That's old gist. Yeah, so you gotta have like semi-fresh gist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought he was like, I didn't realize how calculated and delusional he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to Spokane. I'm going to Spokane in May. But what if I, what if I just do a video, I shave, I put on a wig and I go, I saw your video, I'm 24, I love churchills, I love steaks, and I want a family one day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I want, can you wire it to me before we go? And I like porter houses. And then I'll do a little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like all those ice skating guys were like, you're like, is that a, that's a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That plump rumps. High cheekbones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could, I could almost go on a date with one of those guys. Oh my god. Like if they did something with the hair and put on an outfit, they're like, do you want to have dinner? I'd be like, sure, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many wallets do you walk around with? That's really thick in the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting, I know. What is the hottest commodity?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you attracted to? I think it's the same thing, you know? Because there's the super successful uhm, there's that lane of the executive who also spends three hours a day in the gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, for sure. He's up there. But then there's I'm saying like the super yoked ones. You know what I mean? Like where you see it's like just all muscles. Yes. And you see them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's really nuts. There's that, but then there's the, the, the Bear Lane, so-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's the same thing. It's the same food chain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's degrees to Jack though. So I think, I think ultimately the gay George Clooney type is top of the food chain and he's also top of the food chain in the straight world. Right? It's just the, like the symmetrically good looking super successful guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guys don't care if she's successful. No, it's actually a hindrance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With white guys, I feel like they go, if you go, this person did this, this, and this. Most people will go, that's pretty great. You know what this other guy did? That's always the next sentence. The other guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, being president, no matter whether you like or dislike any president, that's an unreal achievement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing about being super hot is you have nothing to do with it. You deserve no credit for being super hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just saying in general, men or women, when you're beautiful or stunning, gorgeous, handsome, you deserve zero accolades. You did nothing. You were just born. Of course, of course, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a way it's kinda good if you accept that you're unattractive as a woman. Because you actually start getting treated like a human being. Yes. You know, like men will be like, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I spilled that mustard on you. Anyway, you know, it's like, they just treat you like a guy. Let me get you a beer. They don't treat you like a puppy, they treat you like a person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the big fuck up with a lot of women is that when they're in their twenties and they're being treated special and they're attractive, if they don't have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Foresight and the ability to see that that will change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then when they age into the 30s and 40s and 50s, they go through their own self-imposed trauma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're not reading Heidegger. They're saying that, like, they have conspiracy theories about this and that. That's when they start to become wacky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the women who have a real head on their shoulders go like, oh, this is a time in life. And then there's another time. Yes. And I need to not just rely on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the reason we were talking about it is because we were watching an interesting show about society. You, I have to give you full credit for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I've never seen and anyone else for Would You Rathers, the best Would You Rathers you've ever heard on this show, Christina came up with. I don't know how your mind works, your diabolical, evil, twisted, truly psychopathic mind works. And also to find these fucking shows that are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horrific and fascinating and I can't turn them off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one, is it age gap or love gap? I think it's love gap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically manipulating them to be how they expect them to be once they're out of prison. It's silly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So with this show, it's about people who are dating or married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they're actually all married on the show. Married, who, we just finished episode one, so you can join right along with us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we're married and there is a significant age gap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, between the two people. These are married people. The show was filmed all in the UK.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are horrifically unattractive. I mean, the ugliest human beings on earth are on age gap love. These people have age gaps in between them, I think, perhaps as little as 18 or 20 years, as much as 40 years in between them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something's off with this guy. And then he comes in his goofy ass fucking sweater and she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seventh child, he has five adult, he has five adult children, who the oldest is 52.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's on baby number 7, he's 74. Which, I don't know, as a father, and as an expectant father, the idea that I'm gonna be 74 and do this. You see this with Rockstar, Mick Jagger's done this, and yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are setting your kid up to not be around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chances, I mean, of course you're like, well, what if I do live till I'm 100? Okay? Not really. It's possible, but you think, like, you're guaranteeing that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's got one of those. It looks like there's sextuplets in it. I mean, it's hard and round.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he just loses his breath every few minutes. Just standing. Yeaah, just standing. And of course he's gonna die by episode 2. I know. For sure. Yeaah, but these people having kids at that age are such assholes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe when she was 40, I can see if you're 16, it's enticing, but she turned into a full-on Basset hound. I mean, she is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. She's got uhm, triple H tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big ol' fakers, which is fine. She's actually, you know, she seems fun. Yea. But during the episode, she's got these crazy triple H tits. She's like, I think I want to go get bigger tits. And goes to the doctor and you see her getting examined and he's like, I really don't think you should. You tits are enormous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the worst thing has to be, cause I mean, I'm at a certain age now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm okay with it. It's gotta be horrible to resist and resent your aging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As opposed to just a few years ago, I do a ton of warming up before I lift. I don't go, like I used to just walk in and be like, just pick it up and go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have tweaked and just kind of hurt things so many times now that I make it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when sh- that lady's like 75 or something. The tits one. The big tits. And she's- she's essentially like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta be hot. You're like, but you're 76 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And she's, you know, always wearing tight and revealing things and it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we, uh, take a quick pause, since our guest is supposed to be here any moment? Yeah. Probably easier to do it now. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we'll be right back. Hopefully when we press record again, we'll be with guests. Alright, and just as I promised, uh, before we took a quick break, we're back and we're being joined by not one, but because of their own demands, two guests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but sports too, you guys were known even before, obviously the podcast, you guys had ESPN show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did it for you. But before we get too far out of the way, and I know we'll get sidetracked with a bunch of stuff, uh, one of the main reasons you came on, besides the fact that we are thrilled to have you and we love you, is that you are promoting a new movie that I think is gonna really click with our audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, wait a minute, so take me through the origin of, I mean, we're already, but like, how does the idea, like, the idea come to let's make this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the thing, you know how with every comic, I'm sorry to cut you off, but every comic especially, uh, you talk about, there's certain wheelhouse topics that you know, like, like, make them smile, light them up. So if you say, you know, you could talk about, like, I'm definitely, uh, if it's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't experience this in the past, uhm, ten years, but this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have never had such strikingly different sets. Blowback. In different, I'm saying, you can do a set in two different venues and feel like you did them 30 years apart. Yes. Oh my god. That I've never had before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done them 30 minutes apart, where I've been in a venue in Los Angeles, done a set, ate shit to a point where I'm like, I don't even know if I know how to do stand up anymore, and I'm scared by the reaction that I got, and then drive to another place, do the same set, and have it like, work great.


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[Assistant] And here's the, here's the truth man, the worst, I'll say it from myself, as somebody that, we live in a progressive city, we all are pretty liberal minded people, the ultra liberals are the worst comedy audiences ever.


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[Assistant] Because those people start to, when they're at shows, start having such an awareness of, like they want to be right rather than have fun.


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[Assistant] I did Louisville the week that he was elected.


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[Assistant] Laughing Derby, I don't even know if it's still doing it or not, but it was the week of, and uh, that's a blue city and a red state. Correct. But for the shows, it's definitely mixed. But what I learned that week, and this is like the week of, like he got elected Tuesday, Thursday, that was our week.


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[Assistant] For, for my show, which I'm like, I don't, I didn't have a lot of political stuff, but like when I brought it up, everybody was like,


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[Assistant] Can we just talk about something else? And then, and so I would, we would, you know, I would joke around about a couple things, but as soon as I just moved on, everybody was like, I'll thank you. Like you could tell that they were just like, for that week for sure.


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[Assistant] No, I feel like it's got, you start to, uhm, what is it, like, you know, retract into a dark place as the week is long. Yeah. So like, you know, the... Isolate. That's my theory. But you don't bring


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[Assistant] But now it's been, it's enough years of touring where I'll recognize that it's not healthy. So what I'll do is I'll tell the person like, we are having lunch and like seeing a movie or doing something tomorrow.


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[Assistant] Sometimes you go, you know, it's like day two or three and you're just like, god damn it. And just the act of leaving the room and doing, and it could be the most mundane, it could be coffee at the corner, you're like, oh this is better, I'm not just sitting in the room.


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[Assistant] It was, uh, they're older than us, um, very nice house, like very successful. And, um, we were new, you know, like a new couple, like a new, no, we had no kids yet. And we're just sitting there and they're serving like this nice, uh, it's like a late lunch and they have, they invited a couple other neighbors over and they have this big, nice house. And then she, she, uh,


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[Assistant] Start telling him, she's like, Jesus, she's like, look at your body. She's like, you really, like, really have let yourself go. And I'm like, taking a bite. To her husband, in front of you guys.


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[Assistant] Dude, he was an all-american in college at a division one school. All-american douchebag. Alright. Nailed it. So he just looked like a, like a 55 year old, slightly added, yea, but like, didn't look bad. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, and you guys go to- Oh, cause I think he took like a big serving and she goes, Jesus, you're gonna eat all that? And he was like,


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[Assistant] You know, here's the thing, I first, we had dinner a few weeks ago with, uh, Brian Volquise. Yeah. Who, uh, did the movie. Yeah, and, and in charge of, and he goes, oh, you know,


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[Assistant] He goes, I have this, uh, we have this documentary coming out. Is he talking it up? Yes, he goes, I have this documentary coming out. You're gonna love it. And I go, what is it? And he goes, it's about, uh, uh, poop. And I go, it's a poop documentary? He's like, well, it's like a bunch of comedians though, talking about poop.


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[Assistant] Well, I tell you this, we were, uhm, when we first heard about it and we processed it after Brian, I was, we were kind of hurt and then angry, uhm, and then you know. Went through the stages of grief. Yea, all the stages of grief. I mean, that's, I go through all those things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. But then we realized that the two of us are actually, uhm, working, we've been working on a documentary. Oh yea? Yep. And it's not something.


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[Assistant] Oh, I mean though, not on stage. You guys are a great comedy team. You guys are great comedians. Thank you. It's no doubt at all about it, but I'm saying like, you know if some like six, eight, everyone's gonna be at least. How's the weather up there?


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[Assistant] So we were talking to twins about their dicks. Yeah. Cause that's the kind of show you're on. Thank god you're here. What? Do you guys? What show is that on? This is, uhm, this is our, our- Is that good morning?


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[Assistant] They were way more thoughtful especially in that era to be like, let's give these two twins their own identities.


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[Assistant] Now you, you never planned to rape and executed it like you said. No. But uhm, did you ever do something fun? Like, uh, I don't know, like with an employer or uhm, you know. Teachers. Yeah, something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, what's funny is like when we do our live podcast, which is a lot of fun, we haven't done one in a while, but when we've done live ones,


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[Assistant] Uh, part of it is that, you know, the audience there is so familiar with the show, which is actually like a cheat code for setups. In other words, we bring up a topic, they're all like, I know what the topic is, and then you can just go joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, because it's all very much set up for you.


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[Assistant] Well, you guys might know something about this. Last week we were talking about our, uh, at our son's preschool, uhm, where we leave him 14 hours a day. We dropped him off and, uh,


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[Assistant] It's three hours. He locks up. He does three hours. He locks up. But they were telling us, oh, uh, there's a little, there's a kind of a cases of hand, uh, foot and mouth going on. And we were talking about, I was like, I don't remember anybody ever talking about that when we were kids. Foot and mouth disease. I thought it was hoof and mouth disease. No one ever said it. I remember chicken.


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[Assistant] He should have had my dad on, you know, he's really quite famous for his hemorrhoids. No, his shit talks.


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[Assistant] Phenomenal. This is super old, but this might be him, I think, talking to me about it years ago when I pulled out my iPhone. And he just started recording. Yeah, let me see if he brings, he might bring it up immediately. Cause this is how I.


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[Assistant] I used to just call him and call him and just see what was on. What's going on and then go straight to shooting. A lot of times he starts, starts conversations. With this. Right away.


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[Assistant] Oh, so he knows this one's being recorded. I used to get him, like, uh,


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[Assistant] The old, the days that were around when we grew up.


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[Assistant] I always thought that, I was like, that's cra- you're just gonna, like, you just waddle over to that thing? That just seems- Yea, sit on it and let it do its thing. Yea, but now with washlets where you just go press the button, we rented a house. And what happened was, they had one in one of the toilets. And were you like this- So when we were done- Is it a little-


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[Assistant] It's, it's pretty great. It is great, man. Here's the thing, you feel like, now that we have them in our house, when I travel, you feel like a savage. You feel like a pig.


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[Assistant] What am I doing? What am I doing? I've traveled with the, um, the wipes. The wipes. Flushable wipes. I've done it a few times on the road, just to have a little bit of a sense of that.


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[Assistant] I like drinking coffee. I like drinking coffee so much that sometimes it'll be mid, you know, later in late afternoon. And it won't keep you up? No, I'm like, I keep going.


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[Assistant] I'm having bad, bad shits today. And she'll be like, how much coffee you had? And I'll be like, nah, like six cups. She's like, yeah dude, that's why. I'm like, yeah, I didn't think about it.


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[Assistant] Hi, sneezing and cumming is the best. At the same time? I was fucking this girl doggy style, and I was about to pull out and not- Jesus, he's really eloquent. I know, I mean, this is- I start to sneeze. It felt like time had stopped. I closed my eyes and everything went quiet for a second while I sneezed and came on her ass. At the moment, I remember-


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[Assistant] Oh yes, think of your family, I'll take half your shit.


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[Assistant] It is all guys. There are moments, it's all dudes. It's not only is it all guys, a lot of times there will be a guy with an attractive woman who will stay away and go, it's his birthday so I agreed to bring him. And I'm like, you don't want to meet or anything? And she's like, absolutely not. No. Like, they'll walk away.


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[Assistant] That's what it is. That's the same for us. Now there are comics who are in our position who, but they're, here's the thing, they're putting that energy out there and the set is actually about getting late.


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[Assistant] Have you seen my friends who are trying to get laid?


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[Assistant] And you, then you start, it's even direct and indirectly in the set. It's like, almost like under, you know what I mean? It's, there's a layer of it. You guys are totally right.


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[Assistant] That makes it where he's not trying to, he's not trying to get laid. In other words, he doesn't make it too blatant that my mission, I wish I could meet or like, I wish someone would just like, if they're like, kinda carefree about it.


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[Assistant] But here's the thing though that's interesting about that, because one of the things that nobody likes to talk about during this movement is the uhm,


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[Assistant] The sluts. The severity and uh, severity and separation of degrees of crimes. People don't want to do that.


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[Assistant] So in other words, they'll be like, you know, Harvey Weinstein, and then they'll be like, and then the guy that like, leered at somebody, and you're like, that's not the same thing. But, Kevin Spacey's terrible. But further to that point, he actually falls in the category of the bad side. The worst kind.


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[Assistant] Well, and I'll say this as we move on, in Kobe Bryant's defense, they settled and he's really good at basketball. That's true. He's kind of insane.


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[Assistant] It took a long time for people to even, like, it's amazing how long it takes for someone to be like, yeah, nah, I think he is kinda shitty now.


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[Assistant] Alright, well, but you fucked a 13 year old. Yeah. Which, in, like, there's no- My daughter is 12 right now. There's no- you would never be like, you know, it was a while ago.


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[Assistant] Alright, we have to, we have to get going here in a moment, but let's, uhm, give the, the, the full rundown of, like, the podcasts and the movie and everything. So, plug up. Alright, so.


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[Assistant] That's a big deal man, cause for a special to like have it and not be seen, it's so frustrating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hipster Ghosts. That's awesome. Uhm, they are the Sklar Brothers. Check out their podcast, check out Poop Talk, and definitely check out the new special, uhm, when it comes out on Stars and Stripes. On the Sklarz Network.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Live dates, tomcigaro.com, of course, uh, the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is out, the, um, ball hog shirt is out for all you ball hogs. My name is Jelena and I'm a ball hog. And, uh, we also have, of course, the, you know, the whole store is there. Go to TomSegura.com, click on the store. And this song was made by Ben and John. It's the Tracy Kiss remix. Thanks guys for coming over today. We love you.


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[Assistant] Well, I'm actually here with my client. Could I put him on the phone for him to tell you a little bit more about what he's doing and then maybe we could see if this is a match or not?


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[Assistant] And it was a my little pony. And I set her on this course. It's all me.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I just watched that broadcast that Tom just made, like, a few days ago. And I'm calling his motherfucking ass out.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DJ Boi Butter, uhm, who always does a good job, sent that one in. As always, we're open to getting your emails, your questions, your comments, your music, your instrumentals, your songs, your mashups, whatever it may be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mom's podcast at gmail.com. There's no house in the email address. It's your mom's podcast. They're all taken. Your mom's podcast at gmail.


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[Assistant] Thank you very much DJ Boy Butter. Uh, Jean, there's a lot of exciting things to talk about today. So many things. Uhm, how are you feeling?


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[Assistant] Well, I think we, I kinda did it on the, see I know people, some people skip the beginning when we do, yea I know, we do our dates, and we do our... shingma shed or shavles.


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[Assistant] I know. So we do that pre-roll and I mentioned it in the pre-roll last week.


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[Assistant] But this week, I can get into it more. Why don't I do it after the break here? Okay, sure. After we officially open. So uhm, that's it. Let's just get the show open and I'll tell you all about it. Alright, Jean? Are you a ball hog? I'm 100% a ball hog. Let's party. Let's have some fun.


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[Assistant] So I guess this is a video, Blue Band sent this of, uh, supposed to be embarrassing moments for people. Wait, but hold on, can we discuss what she said?


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[Assistant] So then this is totally in line with her grandad's.


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[Assistant] What I understood from what she just the way that she explains that is that that saline's not supposed to go up there at all. That's what it sounds like.


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[Assistant] See? So you're not supposed to put it in yourself. Maybe the saline keeps the enema, you know.


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[Assistant] I don't know. In other words, that's how you know it's fresh. Yeah. You empty it and then you use it. So she, she put the saline in herself. That's how I, that's what I'm. Yeah, I'm assuming she.


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[Assistant] We could ask Charlotte and maybe she would explain to us. That's uh, I don't know, she seems like a nice lady though.


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[Assistant] And uh, I didn't know that meant that I'm ruining the show for everybody.


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[Assistant] I don't know, yea, I think so. Gangbang anal? Yea, I think that's what that means. All you guys are gonna get in that butt.


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[Assistant] Well the hooker math is this, it's probably like, hey that's not that much, and then he's like, you're already letting a guy fuck you in the butt.


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[Assistant] Well, it's like when they tell me they go, do you want to add a Thursday show? I'm already there on Thursday.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. It's not like regular amateurs laying around having sex. No, it's, it's hard. She just took...


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[Assistant] How many dicks in her butt? We don't know that, we just know it was an anal gangbang.


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[Assistant] No, not when we first started dating, when we first got married, not when we first started dating.


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[Assistant] I could see some version of being excited by the vomit occurring because of my pee pee.


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[Assistant] They're both warm. The puke and the shit.


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[Assistant] But the shit would be a little extra hot, I think. There's more weight to it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this guy's is pretty funny. This guy's right here.


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[Assistant] It could totally be your dad's story about any number of people he met.


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[Assistant] This guy legit has this happen all the time. You realize that? He's like, oh yeaah. That's weird, right? You're like, I had sex with you?


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[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, that she's like, it's one of my first scenes. But she might have made that extra forty bucks, because you get the extra hundred.


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[Assistant] That sucks, dude. Buy, uh, two tickets to the movies and get coke and fucking popcorn. Easy.


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[Assistant] That's the part that actually makes me sad.


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[Assistant] Because the story's kinda like, I empathize with how embarrassing that would be for her. Yea. But you're right, they'd be like, great, now we don't even fucking have a cream pie.


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[Assistant] Yeah. She's like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. How long does this period shit last with you?


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[Assistant] I didn't realize that you actually did some porn cause it looks like you're here talking about this one.


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[Assistant] My boy, girl. So this is what happened. I mentioned it in the last pre-roll and I said I would get it. I didn't wanna...


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[Assistant] Do it in that pre-roll because that was after we had shot the video and recorded the episode and then you would have only some audio of it and not on the video. Didn't make sense. I had to move my Salt Lake City shows


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[Assistant] I know, well, you know, sometimes you don't get things right.


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[Assistant] Uh, just over 16 years ago when I got here, you'd ask me, what do you think you'll probably end up doing? Do you think you'll be working, making a living as a stand-up comedian or as an actor in like shows and movies? I would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100% as an actor. There's no way I'm doing stand-up. Like that's what I would have thought if you had asked me. I can take my mind back to that time, you know.


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[Assistant] I know, and I remember, you know, for a lot of people do this when they come out here, they sign up for one of the, you know, it's IO, it's uh, UCB.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I looked up, I saw that like Will Ferrell and a couple other people, uh, were from the groundlings. And I was like, that's where I'm gonna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had just started making $50 a set emceeing. Like getting paid to do shows. And I was a couple years into stand up. And I remember, even though I wanted to take it, I go, it was kind of that thing that you go, do I go do that? Or do I put more into the thing that's already kind of starting to work for me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought, you know, if I go do that, it's going to take away from the stand up thing that I'm, it's not just that I'm making money doing it. It's that I'm enjoying doing it. I'm, I'm, I'm working at it now. And so I passed on it and they go, we'll only call you one more time to see if you want to do it the next time. And I said, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They called again, I passed again, and then it was like, hey, I'm, I'm doing stand up full, you know, full throttle. And then I did, you know, I did a number of auditions, um, for different things, you know, and I booked that huge subway campaign.


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[Assistant] Yeah, on a, like a, this would have been, like you know that flow from uh, the progressive


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[Assistant] The, you know, the counter to Jared on Subway. And if this, these ads work out, it's just going to run all the time. This will be your life now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. This is crazy. This is crazy. I was 25. I know. That's how long ago that was. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I flew to New York. We shot commercials. Here's the thing. There are commercials somewhere somebody has these and, you know, I don't know, I've never gotten a hold of them, but they just never aired. And the reason they aired was fate.


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[Assistant] My agent didn't even know. You know who I think notified me? I wanna say it was Larson.


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[Assistant] And I wanna say because he read something. What happened was...


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[Assistant] He resigns because he was of age. He was sixty-something years old.


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[Assistant] A new VP is hired, so the new VP of marketing, what they do is, you kill all the other guys' ideas for two reasons. If they're bad, and they don't work out, they'd be like, what the fuck did you keep that for? Right? You shouldn't have. And if they're good, then you're basically crediting your predecessor, you know what I mean? So you don't want...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even get to see if they worked out. I just got the call that the campaign was dead. And I was like heartbroken. Mostly because I was like this was gonna be...


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[Assistant] Singing that and then I crashed my car into this thing at a park.


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[Assistant] And the whole idea was for people, some of you may have heard it, but if you haven't heard it, the reason was Jared could only push healthy subs. And they're like, we need to be able to advertise unhealthy subs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in addition to the downside of being just the Subway ad guy, uh, of course I have the added benefit that if that had worked out, I would now be associated with a convicted child pornographer who's serving major prison time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or the worst thing would be, you know, I could do stand up, but everyone would be like, tell us to eat fresh. Like do the fucking line. I'd be like, all right. And then I'd have like subs kind of carted out to the stage and making jokes about food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I do a couple other commercials. I did a Domino's, ESPN one. You did Domino's? They partnered up, yea. Then I did a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a couple of things on him, and then like I booked...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think of the things, I booked an episode of Workaholics, where I had a great scene that got cut out entirely. That was gonna be like my, alright, I booked a great scene. I booked a scene on, was it Pushing Up Daisies, the ABC show? Where it wasn't, I had one scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With let's say five or six lines and they cut it down to one word. So all these things where you're like, Jesus Christ. And I, by the way, as that's happening, I'm moving further along in standup. So I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda just see it as like this side thing where I'm like, you know, I really wish this would work out, but it just is not, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the most recent one, which I don't remember if we talked about on the show. No, we did not. But I didn't want to give away, I don't know, it's like kind of an insight. I won't say who it's for. Right, so I flew out, I auditioned for a movie over the summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, the audition went really well, and then they flew me to New York to test. So when you test, they basically have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Producers in the room, like higher ups, the director, and then you're also on film with somebody who is cast in the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing, even though when I didn't get it, I was bummed, part of you starts to go like, this kind of makes sense because here's the thing you learn about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The screwy circle of this, of things not working out is that they'll go, well, actor one has never done anything. Actor two has been in 10 movies and three television shows. And then they go, oh, well, we want it to be the proven actor. So they go with actor two, which happened to be in that movie. They called me and he goes, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for those who don't know, like when you get an audition, at first it comes in an email and it just says you have an audition, you know, this Friday and it has all the details. It has the breakdown of the part, what it is, who's directing it, who wrote it. Sometimes it has when it'll shoot and then it has, you know, where the audition is. So it was the week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I pick up my phone and it says you have a audition, you know, this day. And I'm like, all right. I don't even, I just don't even answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next day I have all, like, three more things to press. Then I get an e-mail that says, can we confirm you for the audition? And I just wrote like, no, I got too much going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is not unusual, I pass on a lot of auditions because of our schedules, like we have touring schedule, our kid, things in our own, you know, we have things going on, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of the time I would say I consider those things and I'll turn down auditions, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this time my agent happened to call me. He never calls when I say, I can't make it to this. And he goes, the director requested to see you for this. I really think you should try to go in. So I'm like, okay. Um, well get me a new day because I can't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For other, for people that don't, aren't aware of it, sometimes you get, uh, 6pm, 6.30, 7pm, it'll say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you have an audition tomorrow morning at 10am and you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I have this kid, I'm gonna put him down, and I mean, how am I gonna be ready for that? It's like that, it'll happen that quickly, you know? So anyways, I take the, of course after he tells me that, I take the audition. I go on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I thought it went really well, but that's the thing is most of the time when you audition and you think it goes well, you never even hear anything. And sometimes when you think the audition went poorly, they'll call you and be like, you have a call back. You're going back to see me like, what? So you just never know the formula.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, the director, uhm, told me, or gave my agent some feedback and was like, tell him to come to my house. No, he didn't say tell him. He said, tell him to give him my number. And then I talked to him and he's like, do you want to work on the scene? And I was like, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it a 3 a.m. kind of meeting or what's gonna go on? So no, but he was like super, I don't know, the nicest like guy in this business I think that I've ever met is this director.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went over there, we talked about the scene, we ran it a few times.


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[Assistant] And then it's like, hey, you know, he worked on it and then he's like, oh, you still have to go back and test and then you still have to get approved by the, all the other producers and the studio executives of Paramount.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, but I also was, I think, uhm, with age, like how long I've been doing this, I was like, yeah, okay, sure. And then I was also cool with the fact that they might say, hey, you know, you, they liked you, but no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, anyone, you know, I just kind of was just like, yeah, that's fine. I mean, I understood that it's likely not going to happen. Right. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's not my livelihood, thank God. I don't rely on it to have my bills paid or anything, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then uh, oh, then the director texted me, give me a call when you can't. I'm like, motherfucker. Like he's being nice, but to tell me that, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give him a call and he's like, hey man, you're doing the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I said, it's just something I've wanted to do for so long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the movie shoots in Atlanta, uhm, it's starring Mark Wahlberg. Crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there's a couple other comics in it. Tig Notaro's in it. Uh huh. Eliza Schlesinger's in it. Anyways, it's a great cast and a great script. And I'm just, I can't believe that I get to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I could ask her to like, shave her head or something like that before.


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[Assistant] I don't know that I get that power, but I'll suggest it. I'll suggest it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, that is the, the net. I mean, thank you very much. And I know you know how much I've wanted to do something like this. The other thing is that the next call I get is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are we going to do about these dates? So now I have to move dates, you know, and it's, it's one of the ones where trust me, um, I don't like doing that, especially to people that are coming to see me. I like, I do super appreciate everybody's support in the live standup stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the way that these things usually go is, you know, the movie takes, they, they own you for the time that they shoot. That's how the contract.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And who's basically kind of a loud mouth. Don't say too much. No, no.


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[Assistant] I feel like there's a bunch of make out scenes, there's a bunch of shower scenes, uh, yeaah. Yes there are. Yes there are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I don't think so. It's acting, we act, we don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there's like a morning blow job and then we go, we drive over until we see our relatives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a cou- well, I'm a couple weekends I'm gonna fly home. Uhm, then the couple that I'm staying, I'm actually gonna try to do a stand up in the area. So, look for an announcement of a couple shows in the, at least in the greater, somewhere drivable to Atlanta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Yeah. Okay. We're going to have so much fun.


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[Assistant] It's really, no, I'm, I'm basically, it's funny cause I'm going back to, I'm an open mic'er of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the acting. The movie world. On the movie world, yeaah. So I get, I'm doing like introductory level everything, which is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. God, did you see him? He shot his special, which I heard was a maze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, this body is so... No, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did do another shirtless special, which is so funny that there will be two specials of him shirtless, and you will just be like, which one? Like, normally you'd be like, hey, which special are you talking about? And you'd be like, oh, the one where the guy's shirtless. Now they're gonna be like, you know how that shirtless guy, the one where he's a little less fat, is the one I'm talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. That's who he is. And, let's be honest, we're all gonna, you know, we work at trying to keep these shit bodies in some type of shape. He's gonna fall off, you know, at some point in the next few years. And like, when he gets really fat again, I can't wait to see him have to take this. Cause then it's actually, here's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is actually funnier to see him shirtless more out of shape, so.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was a great short run series. I mean, we talked about it for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeah, it was, I was sad that it came to an end, but I don't want to ruin it for people because I've ever since we brought it up, I got a lot of messages for people saying they're, they're diving into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean, now it's, you know, it's clearly, it's made, it's, it's over at this point. You should have seen it if you're watching it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's, it's alarming, uh, some of it is very...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was surprised, oh ah, no there is a surprise. Which one, which one? Uh, white boy in Florida. Remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you haven't seen it, I don't know, but there's definitely a couple surprises and then that's actually one where you go like, oh, that's good that, that, that the surprise happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've been with the guy for a while and they have so little compassion, understanding and empathy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For their situations. That's the part that as the outsider you're like, how do you not?


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[Assistant] This guy's trying to adjust after six years in prison. Why aren't you having a little more, like you can't see that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, yeah. He's like, I don't really want to show up for tuxedos right now. And she's like, why not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To her credit, she's the one that when they do decide to just do it quickly, she's like, you know, all I really care about is being married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm not, yeaah, I'm, I'm, I kinda wanna get high all the time. I would be dead if I were in prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I don't know, but also, it's funny that, I think we talked about it, but none of those people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They all are just sad, they just want a safe date. They just had their heart broken, you know, too many times, and they're like, this person's in prison, they can't hurt me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because she's sending this, the guy from his photo, you'd be like, oh, this is a manipulative psychopath for sure. Total scumfuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do I fucking watch Orange is the New Black? Dude, what about these motherfuckers that don't have anyone to do that? They just don't have shit? I mean, that's gotta be... How's that even fair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's pathetic. He really is. It's really sad but he's pathetic. Uhm, are you ready for perhaps the greatest thing a listener has ever said to us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the email, uh, Hey Tom and Jean, for the last few days I've been having a blast calling people with the Christina soundboard I made. Oh shit. I called random people named Jean and Tom, but this might be the best one ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told a phone sex operator my name was Bert. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did making it. Keeping him high and tight, Tony W. Oh my goodness. Uhm, it's just, it is a maze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, think about how, like if she's the one working the phone, you're like, man, this person really is taking a shit right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's laughing. She likes it. Yeah. Sick. Yeah. I mean, you really took a big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where she draws the line? She drew the line at Hitler. Wow. He said like, hi Hitler, hey Hitler. She's like, I'd rather not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, she's fine with that, but not a, not a little high Hitler. Well, I guess, I mean, that kinda makes sense actually. Does it? I mean, shit is shit, but like, talking about Nazi stuff. Sure, sure. But it is funny to hear.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Like I said, I mean, I just want to salute Tony.


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[Assistant] I mean, that's a lot of work, you know? You isolated stuff, made a soundboard, then made a call, then found somebody to jump in and get involved, and it was really good. Really good job. Pretty amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think so? She's been doing it for a minute. She's been doing it for a while. Yeah. Smoking too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, uh, wrote in, they said, uhm, Mommy, I was minding my business last week, hogging some balls and listening to the show, when I was deeply disturbed by what I was hearing. There isn't much that gets my stomach turning, but all the asshole rerouting talk got to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, this is exactly the silly shit I come for when I get to my mommy's house. Next time, in the spirit of being sensitive to everyone's false personal line of decency, just go ahead and piss on me and beat me. Your friend, Peyton Lafferty. Of course, this is not from last week, but the week before, this is in reference to Johnny Pemberton discussing his colon being removed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was very interesting, but it was for me difficult to hear too. I did struggle with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. It makes me really thankful too when I was... Oh fuck, just looking at him and he's like a teenager when it happens or something, right? Wasn't he like a teen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's start weighing dicks. You should also consider having Tom wear five pounds around his neck for a whole day. Try it out. One love, no hate. Matt from Chicago. Of course, Matt's talking about what you're walking around with on that chest of yours. So I should put, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was. I dunno, we had healthy lunch. It wasn't a splatter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean you think you gotta follow the leader of your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've been doing a lot of this stuff by the way. Of what stuff? Multiple, multiple Browns all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you like to, I mean, there's usually a push present, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think? I'm gonna pass. Why? I could reach out to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have breast milk jewelry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute. So is she making it with her own breast milk or are you sending in your breast milk? I would imagine you're sending in yours. So that's a lot of work though. You're not just getting your, now you gotta ship it. You gotta ship your breast milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This reporter is making this sound really serious. And not giving it the good natured ribbing it deserves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I appreciate good service. And that's the thing is, you know what I find that irritates me more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the big deal if somebody sucks at a job that you're paying for? Why don't you just let them suck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause you go into some of these places, not just Starbuck, I'm talking about any service place in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's awful and you're, they're just in a bad mood or they just don't care and you're like, this sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yea, I like to celebrate the ones where it's really good. Don't you love it?


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[Assistant] I like efficiency. I like when they, they don't have to know my name or any of that shit. But you like it. Everybody does. You said today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the one that we used to go to all the time, that drive thru one, that one's not really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Fine. Uh, they're inconsistent. That's something that I, you know, realize is very nice in the service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ice venti coffee. Extra ice. No sweetener. Small splash of whole milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll say that, and then I watch the person take the milk and they go, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, like that. I'm like, hey, no, that's not going to work. What? It's not going to work. You just gave me a glass of milk. I don't want to drink a glass of milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very sweet of you. I don't feel like I'm that crazy about it, but I do like it made, you know, you like your thing made the way you like it, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I said, I found that I no longer ask for it. I ask for now, the whole milk on the side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because it's good, it's good service. It has, people in there are in a good, it just shows you. It's like, I'm not even asking for it. People that work there are in a good mood. They're always pretty happy. They treat everybody really well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They get really busy and they still maintain their composure.


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[Assistant] Sure, but like that's what anybody likes from a service, you know, is that the person, they remember you, they say your name, they go, Oh, I know that you like your thing like this. It's like going to a restaurant where they go like, Oh, you always get the ham and cheese or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you get used to a certain taste and you can't go away from it. Yeah. So whenever I have an iced coffee in there, I'm like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jean, this is uh, YMHDunkers by DJ Please Come to Nashville. Come back to Nashville for fuck's sake. That's the name of the DJ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and thanks to everybody ordering the, uh, not Los Angeles shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a funny shirt, man. Caleb, thanks for the design. It's such a great shirt. The mugs, uh, Don't You Hate Everyone and Next Stop Brown Talk mugs. A couple other shirts and there's some new stuff coming out that, um, will be in the store soon. Thanks again for listening and thanks for supporting our sponsors. Bye, Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. How do you even do that? So people are super conscious of their time and they don't want us to take their time?


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[Assistant] But yet this patient, while I literally had my hands in their mouth, had to answer the phone. No. Flip it open. Speakerphone. No girl. So, speakerphone moment. So this is my operatory.


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[Assistant] And I have this partition and there's the chair next to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Poohpah was definitely real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we had the, uh, the ladder and kind of in the back where the tree was. You'd climb up, everybody would take a dump. We'd pile up. I mean, pooh-pah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, definitely not. That never happened. I mean, that was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what, that was our thing, that's what we were known for. Oh, okay. I mean, never... Yeah, it didn't stop people. It's like, Chisholm's like, that's just, that's... It's the PoohPow House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is New Diggity by Eddie Bojangles. He's always sending in some bangers, man. Oh, you got your new mom glasses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got a bunch of stuff coming up, Gene. Wanna go first? Wanna do your dates?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedy on Broadway March, uh, first, second, and third.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I just this morning added Columbus, Ohio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm coming to the Funny Bone in Columbus, Ohio, March 22nd through 24th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I'm going to start like kitties in, uhm, in April.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, let's see, uh, Melbourne, Australia, April 27th is sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Washington, that's in the state of Washington, here on the west coast. I'm coming May 17, 18, 19. It's all very exciting. Uh, go to tomscura.com slash core.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TomSegura.com slash tour to get your tickets. They're moving, man. They are cruising. Thank you very much for everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That has purchased a ticket to come see me do a show near.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yea, that's the word. That's Sean Connery telling the black kid that he's like mentoring or something. Oh god. To be a writer. And it's like that moment of triumph where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of his lessons have come through, you know, and it's like, yeah, and then he did it and he's like, you're the man now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most like cringe worthy stuff is like uhm, is that, is that like, I'm gonna teach you how to be from the hood, and you teach me how to hang out with white people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a lot of people on the Mount Rush, more of, you know, comedic minds. He did one of those with Queen Latifah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, and she does a thing like, now, now you get it. That's right. And then he's like, yo, yo, yo. I mean, you go like, who fucking dreamed of this fucking turd?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, the way that was done, like there's, there's nuance to jokes. You know what I mean? Like that's the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Not just stereotypes. Not just characters, you know, so that's the thing is that that was done really, like you believe that white guy was that white guy and Eddie Murphy like was kind of being himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, yeaah. Genuinely funny too. They weren't like, and then just smack these crackers around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm serious, you should even just YouTube this. Historically black university marching bands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing. I'm talking like, Grambling, you know, uh, what is it, McNeese State? Like, I'm talking the Southern- Hillman? Uh, Hillman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Morehouse, I'm telling you that historically black universities that have marching bands will blow your mind. Yea. Yea, yea, yea. I mean. We gotta go watch something. I'm saying the whole presentation from the uniforms, cause it's always like crisp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's like military style uniforms and the coordination of the movements and the music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're, they're, yeah, and then like sewing, like usually every,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I don't know what we got on sidetracked on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, uh, well you've had AIDS and you're getting out of that. Toddler AIDS. This is like the only time, you guys don't know, but like I live with AIDS and have for years. I've been fighting it. I take my meds and I always have a sinus infection, a cold, the fucking flu. And like for years I'm sitting here living with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. There'll be like a, what's a big action movie here? You know, it'll be like some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like taken. Took it. Yeaah. No, but like, in uhm, uh, in Korea, when they release it there, they'll call it like, he's had enough. You know, like they give it like these, cause words don't have the same impact. What's this Korean show called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, I mean, I blame Diaz, and I'll tell you, I, you know, anything that Joey Diaz tells you, you're like, yeah, okay, buddy. Like, you know, you're out of your mind. So, he, uhm, he was telling me when I saw him last, he was like, you know, we're talking about different shows and how much I love Narcos and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's the letters in Spanish. So I'm like, what is he talking about? So just out of curiosity, a few weeks ago, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alias Hotha Hotha, which means surviving Escobar. So I'm like, and I've been on this Escobar, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, rabbit hole, as have a lot of, cause every time I pull up Netflix there's like a new show about him, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a whole thing. And they have a new series. A new series just came out about, uh, uh, drug, uh, you know, cartels and, and more documentary style though. So anyways, I pull up his show and it's, it's a Colombian show. It's a series. I pull it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched the first episode, I get roped in, and it's about, uhm, Escobar's right hand man, his hit man, Popeye. That was the guy's nickname.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You associate your experiences like certain crimes align with certain punishment. And then like you start going around the world. It's like sometimes in countries like, like this guy murdered a guy. He did his five years though. And like, he's like, all right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this series is so good because it basically picks up at the end, like the last day or two that Escobar's alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, the search block is closing in and all his guys are dying and it's just not, he knows it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he tells Popeye, like, go ahead, like, you've been invaluable to me, and basically, go for it. And cause Popeye's like, I'm gonna turn myself in. Like, I know that I'm either, I'm gonna be killed, they're gonna keep searching for me, so I'm just gonna go, go for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he turns himself in and the series starts with him basically arriving in prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of the different, cause there's like the paramilitaries and there's the gorillas and there's the narcos and they each are on separate sides and they each have, you know, different storylines of trying to get each other and then there's romance and there's relationships. Anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know sometimes when you start a series on Netflix, you start watching it and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or like, or you go like, oh shit, that sucks that this is about to end. So I'm like episode seven of this show. I'm like, and this is good. I wonder how many are left. I back out of more episodes 60.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get super depressed cause I know that if it's 60, that's the series, you know, it's 60 episodes. It's not like they're gonna be like, next season we'll have 60 more episodes. It's gotta be there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, are you serious? She's like, well, I was watching it, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, fuck. Speaking of Netflix, uh, the reviews are in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%. Everybody loves it. You're kidding. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never had something where it's only love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's wonderful. That's kind of the goal of a good comedy show, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean my show, that's what, I usually begin my shows by going like, I hope each and every one of you has a great time, and I hope each and every one of you leaves here feeling good about everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, by the way, I heard somebody talk about, uhm, I think it was on this show, I got sent the link that like, this guy was on there being like, oh yeaah, uhm, I know, I know that he's talking about a specific guy he met.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Louisiana. I'm like, what? Like, I met a guy in Louisiana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I met a guy from Louisiana. In Kansas City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the first, like during the first week of 2017 last year, if you were in Kansas City and you came to one of those shows I did, there was a guy in the meet and greet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what I say. I mean, I don't say Kansas City in the special, but I say, like, I was on my first week of this tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is where I met this guy. I just thought it was weird that somebody's like, he met a guy here. I'm like, that wouldn't even, why would that even register? I'd be there. Anyways, uhm, I think it's funny like the backlash of like people from Louisiana being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, first of all, I have to say, I've never gotten so much fan mail in my life ever for anything like I have for this special. Like I've been bombarded with this, you know, just amazing fandom and support and people telling me that they love this special, which I tell you, it never gets old. Like I totally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't tell you how much, it's crazy how much it has come in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I've gotten a lot of it from Louisiana, so I don't want to make it sound like only people from Louisiana are upset, because a lot of them are like, I live in Louisiana, I love the bit, you know, like they've been very supportive of it. But people, the ones who don't get it, or who don't like it, it's like, you know this is a joke, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like there's so many people out there that are, I don't know, I think they're taking, it's like they're holding people on, like what they're saying on stage as equal to what you would say off stage. Like, you know that's not the same thing, right?


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[Assistant] One of my favorite parts about this is these guys are gonna discuss this thing for like a while. No, please, I can't. No, no, but then this is one of the comments.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean that's, that's how jokes work though.


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[Assistant] Well, just so you know, a couple things I'd like to point out. A, uhm, the joke that I tell that's, you know, has Cajuns in it basically ends with my saying that we should build a wall, uh, if it's around the state of Louisiana. Uhm, and, uh.


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[Assistant] We have a build the wall shirt. It's build the wall shirt, and uhm, the wall is in the shape of Louisiana. So that is item number one. You can go to the store.


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[Assistant] And here is the other piece of news that I'm super excited to announce. I didn't say it at the beginning of the show, but I'd like to say it now.


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[Assistant] To show you how much love I have for the state of Louisiana, I took the very first available date.


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[Assistant] The tickets are on pre-sale today, the 24th of, uhm, of January. Beginning at 10am is when the pre-sale starts.


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[Assistant] Um, so you can get tickets to that. There's a code word if you're, if you're participating in the pre-sale and the code word is Cajun. C-A-J-U-N. Perfect. Cajun is the code word.


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[Assistant] If you want to get tickets, again, I'm coming to New Orleans Saturday, September 29th. It was the first available Saturday at the Civic Theater this year for us.


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[Assistant] I'm very excited to be going. I just wanted to let you guys know that.


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[Assistant] And again, I can't thank you guys enough for watching the special. I really appreciate it. And I know that uhm, you know, I've been getting a lot of back and forth how, it's always how this works. These things trigger other things. People watch the special and then they end up watching your special. Cause I keep getting messages about your special.


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[Assistant] Remember yesterday we had, there was grapes in the lunch for, uh, LJ.


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[Assistant] I fucking hate Los Angeles, and I'm like, but the weather's great, and they're like...


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[Assistant] So, I live in this shitty place and we have shitty weather, but I like it more. You know what I mean? Like it kind of, I feel like it gets people in a bad mood.


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[Assistant] I know, I know from experience that cyclists get very mad.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I actually feel like most people do understand that. Most do. What happens is the people that are upset are very vocal. So they're so angry, they're so emotional that they, like the person that loves your show usually will message you, I love the show. They don't then write like eight more messages to back you know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, because if you were going to have a blowjob and you're not cool with yourself, you'd feel probably really depressed as you're doing this.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, to be like, I don't, I don't give it up on the first date.


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[Assistant] That's a good one. That's one of my favorites is like, hey, I'm not easy and you're not just gonna get in my pants. I'll suck on your balls though.


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[Assistant] I've heard this- What are you doing? I've heard this from you and other people that graduated college. That uh, that that's a pretty intimate thing to do. So yeah.


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[Assistant] Maybe she's just like really good at this and people keep telling her. Maybe like how about every guy she hooks up with is like, you gotta make a YouTube tutorial. Cause you're so good. I need, I need other girls to find out about how good you are at this. I guess. Could be. She could just be like, remember the grapefruit lady?


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[Assistant] You got a grapefruit, your man? Put your dick between your legs.


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[Assistant] What happens to her inbox when, when this, you know what I mean? Like if you're, if you're putting that out there, this is what, this is one thing that I'm annoyed by as somebody that is not


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[Assistant] Participating in the back and forth of meeting people online. This is somebody who will put out a video like this and then their next post will be like


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[Assistant] Do I have to say that I don't want your sexually suggestive messages in my inbox? And you're like, you put out a ballsucking video.


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[Assistant] No, not everybody knows how to do that. There's people out there that are definitely watching like, what?


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[Assistant] Yeah. You know, there's no, it's not, there's not everyone's a triple D slut wife. Hey. How about fun is it to call sluts sluts?


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[Assistant] The more normal or like the more professional and the less, uh, promiscuous or sexual her attire and look is, the better. So when you see a like a pantsuit


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[Assistant] Just executive woman with a briefcase crossing the street, you just go in your car, you go, there's a slut right here.


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[Assistant] Or if they're like, if they are dressed super slutty, then it's funny too. Yeah. If it's on the line or if it's just like a nice looking, but it's like when they're like if also if it's like two 80 year old women. They're sluts too. They're sluts. That makes me laugh.


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[Assistant] Girls walk in and you're like, oh, a couple sluts are gonna go have dinner right now. That makes me laugh too.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's more, it's funnier when a woman says it. It's one of those things where it's like the origin, the source of the line makes it funnier. Context, uhm. You know, one of those things, I'm just learning about this, like context, uhm.


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[Assistant] I'm learning about like how reading the words isn't the same as like hearing and seeing somebody say it. It's all these lessons. It's so fun. I mean, I didn't know that like a certain expression can be said satirically, ironically, sarcastically, and that it then changes sort of the intent and the meaning.


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[Assistant] All this stuff is, I'm going to comedy camp right now, and I'm learning so much. So yes, I do, I do appreciate that. It's very interesting to learn.


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[Assistant] That always made me laugh too. Oh yeaah. One time I posted, uh...


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[Assistant] Uh, a lady on TV who was like seven months pregnant and I wrote like, Hey, how come maybe next time don't have like four beers and 18 sandwiches before you do television? And all these people were like, she's pregnant.


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[Assistant] Like, she's so pregnant. You know, she had a small frame. It was so clear that she's pregnant. It's one of my favorites.


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[Assistant] What's your dad doing over here? What's your dad doing is another good one. Any guy eating out of like a trash can. Any guy with like, you know, six shopping carts and shit falling off of it. He's barefoot. He's white, but his skin has turned black from walking on the pavement.


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[Assistant] Why? Because, I mean he can't hear it, and neither can anybody else, but it's not cool. It's not okay. And it's not funny.


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[Assistant] Theoretically, like if he was in the car with us and we were like, hey, are you my dad? And he was like, what?


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[Assistant] Why does milk and ham not taste good together? And we're like, what? Get out of here.


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[Assistant] Isn't that, like what do you say when you see someone if you don't point and laugh?


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[Assistant] She was also like, I don't, not like, I don't like, you know, somebody like, pointing out like, their thrill of seeing a Porsche, and I was like...


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[Assistant] And then you're like, get over here. And I'm like, come on, you have to see this. And he was like,


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[Assistant] Hold on mommies, just an FYI, you can't spell scrumptious without scrum. Therefore the scrum is scrumptious and there is no reason to be afraid of it. Just think of it as a delicacy, slow cooked,


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[Assistant] I know, I know. Oh, there was like women marching this week. They know, it's a lot of sluts marching, right babe? It was like a slut parade. Slut march.


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[Assistant] Uhm, hey Hiller, on a recent podcast Christine mentioned


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[Assistant] First of all, Johnny, I'm 100% on board with you that shampoo is soap.


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[Assistant] And you don't need soap if you have shampoo. You can wash every part of your body with shampoo. All you need is suds. Uh, it's not different. So I've survived for years before I met you with just a shampoo bottle. Shampoo suds up, you do your hair.


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[Assistant] You do your beard, you do your underarms, you do your butthole, you do your crotch. I mean, it does it all.


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[Assistant] I have now been able to fine tune this weekly cycle to a time that fits my needs. So is he saying he can dictate the times that he wants to go?


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, I mean, I feel, I guess, I don't know that I dictate it, but I do feel like it happens, it happens at a regular time, and then what always fucks me up is, you know, travel or schedule.


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[Assistant] You can't get up at 8 a.m. and do that. You know, you're going to have to, like six or something. I mean, you have to make some change.


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[Assistant] I would say you brown quicker and earlier than I do.


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[Assistant] I mean we go downstairs, but within 30 minutes you're 45, you're definitely like...


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[Assistant] That's true, it happens too. Brown. But I usually shit about an hour after you.