[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm proud of you. I'll get your lollipop ring today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if they go, you've been eating too much dog food. We got, you have a lot of cavities from all the dog food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bdub, thank you for this, uh, lost in shitspeed. Uhm, let's, uh, let's, let's read a listener email here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To my dearest mommies, I recently had my bottom wisdom teeth removed because they were impacted wisdom teeth, meaning that they grew in almost completely sideways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did absolutely everything to get rid of the amazing remaining food yet absolutely nothing could do the trick. That being said, there had to be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That had to be something. I went to my local CVS, bought a water pick, and it literally changed my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love you mommies. I hope that one day you'll be able to experience the wonder that is a water pick. I gotta do this. Nico, thanks Nico.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To go to the tennis. Oh wow. And see how he can improve on his teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the sacrifice we're willing to make for a perfect smile. Keeping it high and tight. Come back to San Diego. Audrey. Audrey, I gotta compliment, I gotta commend you on saying something after five years that will ultimately make him feel better and look better. You know it's hard to say those things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She told him, you should do something about your toothpaste.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I would have it explained to me in very clear Spanish first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't know that's not necessarily the truth. I mean, come on, there's a bunch of teeth down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is something I've always wanted to ask about. I've never known about this. Another email came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says, after an unpleasant experience having my wisdom teeth removed when I was 18 and having sworn off a dentist last week before my 29th birthday, I decided it was time to go back for a checkup after one of my back molars turned brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I brush my teeth once in the morning. I'm very good about flossing throughout the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's nothing I could have done about it. They said they can pull it out if it starts to turn to hurt down the line. All of this cost me $100.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Many dentists these days will cut you a huge deal if you become a member of their office, which for me is $5 a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Steven. I will wanna say this too. First of all, we are on the fucking line now. We have to do something. I know. We have to go get our toothies cleaned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Secondly, I've had friends of mine tell me with regard to other medical things they needed. If you're like, oh I need to have this done, I don't have the insurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know doctors many times will make a deal for you if you pay cash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you walk in and you just go, I need whatever, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you take a dog dump, then we know it's a great hypothesis that somebody put out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hopefully next week I'll be able to play you some clips from Noches con Platanito. I gotta get ready. I have to go get ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you. Here's a Kick My Balls by DJ Orlando Airport and that is our closing song. Bye guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The road looking for a place to swim. That girl in that little bikini. Jesus Christ. See that little red dot over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I love it. It's like the concierge asking him, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, at the harbor, Ventura Harbor Comedy Club, right? Yea, Ventura County, 20th, Hitler's birthday, and then May 27th and May 28th, La Jolla Comedy Store, La Jolla, that's fancy San Diego.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think fuckboy is one of my favorite say- like fuckboy. What does it mean? Is it- is it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DJs, why do all DJs have like the coolest personality?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's the same grass roots effort. Like, does anyone want to hear me DJ? Fuck you asshole! And it takes 10 years of like... Yes, really getting good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well like this weekend at Flippers, I did my shows and they were great. Thank you for asking. And I requested a song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I owe Marylin Rice Cub, of who I love, and then Dave Reinerts, my homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I asked the, you know, the DJ, can you just bring me up to like, John Spencer blues explosion? Who?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I compliment you on your, like you got down what DJs do, like the pointing and the, you know, it's all coming together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your baby doesn't need a formula or clothes. Dad's scratching this weekend and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, plus it's a huge shout out to your mom's house listeners, which let's face it will be your only audience in the beginning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you something. What I love about this DJing gig is that it really combines everything you love in life, which is staying up late,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She rolled with it. What a horrible job. Her job, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Do you know what? This feels like the TV's talking to you, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know like when you, you keep something in a bowl or something and it retains the odors. It's, how, how?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the narrator, Gilbert Godfrey, Lisa Lampanelli, uh, Penn Gillette is in it, and it's about the, uh, how political correctness is destroying the comedy world. Pretty interesting stuff. And, uh, did you know that there's a comedian being sued right now in Canada?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there you go. It's a really, uhm, really timely documentary. It's weird, these guys started making it, right? And it's all kind of exploded since then. They covered that story about that woman who tweeted that she was on her way to South Africa. You know that? She was like, I hope I don't get A, just kidding, I'm white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reviews are great. It's, it's, I don't know yet how to see it, but it's called Can We Take a Joke. I think it just debuted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't seen it with my narration in it, but I've seen it in like the raw as I was narrating it, so it's so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like that woman that tweeted something, okay, yeaah, we get it, it's really racially insensitive, but did she deserve to lose her livelihood and have it ruin her life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, even uhm, there was something I heard on the Dr. Laura show, I listened to her for a laugh, where they, uhm, there was someone in a university, a Catholic university, defending same-sex marriage, just being like, I believe marriage is being a man, and got,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh sorry, defending traditional marriage. Sorry, like old school marriage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, working me the- and also, where do you draw the line? Like, how do you know what's not going to offend anybody? What's the safe joke?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Am I going to tell jokes about balloons? Or is there some kind of balloon league that's going to get mad because I'm harming the integrity of balloons, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been getting Persian voicemails again. What was I doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, it was really neat, uhm, in my shows at Flappers, when I would walk up to stage to have fans yelling, hey Hitler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone goes during the middle of my set, I choose retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That and then Adis who was a mental patient who fled his life and then I was getting panicked Adis voicemails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least I don't have bad credit. The worst is getting, uh, the creditor calls. Yeah. Which happened on our last home line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That means she's totally, it's older, it sounds to me, it's old people who aren't clued in that the voicemail is not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I didn't, I haven't talked to you about this yet, today we've been so busy, but, you know when you go to shit and you're like, this is just going to be a run of the mill dump,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's cause you always choose to take a shit when we're doing something together as a family. Like, oh, we're putting our son to sleep. I gotta shit. Or we're having a nice moment with people. I gotta, gotta, gotta shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So maybe that's there, maybe there's an accent that we're not looking at, an accent mark or something or... What's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sound like your father. I know, because he's right. My father was right. Everybody's on drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I see you like an old English chess piece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to start off small or knuckle? I, I, you know, I'm a huge fan of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been, I like how it looks on a woman on the inner, what is this your forearm?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda do, or like a fisherman's spear, I don't know, or trident or something. I don't know why. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or something on my boobs when I feed my son, he can-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah? No, I'm serious. Would you still love me if I got the job stoppers? No. Fuck you, money. No. I think I want to get that. I would not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That means a lot to you. Immortalize on your body is forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I can feel it. There's so much brewing in the air.


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[Assistant] That would be, then I'd start watching Miss America all over again. That is true. If one of these lunatics showed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I do it? What do you think your dad would say about these ladies? Oh, he'd be really upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fatness is, nah, inexcusable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy from the Real Plastic Surgeon of Beverly Hills, or DJ Porkrind, whatever her name is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which of these concerts? Now listen, you gotta go, you gotta go watch the whole show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Miss Cyanide is just kind of sloppy and all over the place. But what I've seen so far, she needs a little more polish, more time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did too. And I will say, of all three, at least she's really kinda in it. Like she's genuinely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other thing I understand is to subvert beauty pageants, but why have a beauty pageant at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I, can I tell you something? I don't like to inflict my personal style on a kid. It's like, unless he asks for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smells better than it used to. I think this guy's got the worst ass of anybody.


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[Assistant] I'd say she killed it, but knowing that last year someone put a microphone up their posse and won, she's gonna get beaten out by some dumb cunt that does something stupid. Just like everything in showbiz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well good for her, that's really hard to do. Now I thought the Juggalos were supposed to be non-judgmental.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I thought you're not supposed to boo people off stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that you want to separate the personality from the sexual act. That's always the key to a successful filler up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And such a beta male that it might be just really horrendous and he's old.


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[Assistant] But I don't want it to last very long. Like I kind of almost want the selfish lay here so that it's just over. Like Trump just begocks and then get the fuck out of here. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In that case, I don't want this to be a drawn out, cause Bernie, he's gonna light the candles, we're talking sensual massage, lavender smells. Can I ask you a question? A hundred candle bath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the next for the ladies. So you and I are opposed on this issue. Are we? Hot take it item. Are we? And the next one is Hillary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I'm kind of an alpha. I think Hillary's more of like the 70s college, Les. That's what you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's from that era of like, there's protests, her and Billy and college. She's got that classic Les 60s, 70s, Les, like full bush, free love, Les vibe. That's the vibe I'm looking for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a whole new hour this weekend. Oh really? Yea, it's a whole new hour, it's gonna be a good time, and then we'll all hit the after party and get some fruit.


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[Assistant] Oh no. That guy is great. Look at that. He's crazy. Crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's wrong with you? That's it, that's what I got, jeans. Oh, listen to that, it's Deep Bro. That's DeepBroPodcast.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, Amazon, if you shop on Amazon, and I hope you do to make your life easier, please use our banner. Go to your momshousepodcast.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to the home page, there's a banner, click on it, do your shopping, just normally. I say bookmark that page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our good friend shops on Amazon all the time and doesn't use our banner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Supposed to be, and I know a lot of you are like, oh shoot, I forgot. Well, stop forgetting. Please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of shit, do you have to shit now, or can we do our show? I know you shit 20 times a day, I don't know if this show impedes on your shitting schedule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's one of those things like, I will not let you blow me. Like, he's just making...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why? Because the thought sickens me. If you were to be with another woman, I would fucking kill both of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instead of the celebrity plastic surgeons of Beverly Hills. So they're all plastic surgeons by day and they're supposedly friends, yea right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's him. So, Dad is a plastic surgeon by day, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks everybody for coming out tonight. Could you imagine if comedians did this? Guys, this next bit I wrote about taking a shit while I was, believe it or not, taking an actual shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause you don't want to, like don't you, there's tag alongers who just want to be there for the free food hangout. And they're never going to tell you, hey bro, your shit sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or the band who has to go up, um, you know, in a pair play situation. Or just like the band that struggles and does shitholes and gets real reactions from audiences. I respect that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, he's a Coachella, in his mind he's headlining Coachella.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're here to crush every musician's dreams that suck, but seriously, like Nick Hawk and this guy, similar thing. This guy's way better than Nick Hawk. If I put it way better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sexy legs postman. He's like 10 years younger than this guy. No he's not. Virile. Bob?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And can I tell you something? I judge people. If they call it downtown Abbey, we're not friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Branson got chunkier. Mr. fucking the gay dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how everybody got a nice ending. I love that Edith triumphed over Mary, in terms of status.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where Carson finally brought out his huge hog, and Lord Grantham finally dropped to his knees like he's wanted to for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But a Downton, unacceptable, unacceptable. Um, yeah, Rose came back that little slut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I'm glad we got that. Now we, our next order of business is House of Farts, cause we haven't even touched that. Cause of the move. The move fucked us up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm not, I don't speak Spanish like you do, fluently, I don't. But I, I know enough, like, LA Spanish to get, and I don't understand what the fuck this guy's talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead and pick that up, it's your dog. She might be on the 405 freeway at the Santa Monica exit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our dog eats everything in the backyard. And I mean everything. Rocks, glass pieces. She's indiscriminate. I mean it. And we're lucky she's still alive, frankly. Uh, but now, whatever the fuck she's eating in our backyard has given her diarrhea. And she's had diarrhea twice in the last two weeks. And it is, we don't know what to do. Either we muzzle her when we let her out our way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Na na na na na. Hi. She went up, we turned on the fireplace, she went right up to it, and was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember when I, when I was in labor and I cursed a lot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here it is, Nick Hock, here he goes. She writes, my cousin Julia, I was always confused about what the hell Nick Hock's tattoo on his shoulder was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies and gentlemen, uh, it's, uh, Comedy Spectacle!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, my cousin Julie and her husband Justin, they are, like I would consider them tattoo aficionados. They both have a lot, Julie has a lot of tattoos. She, you know, she hangs out in that community. She knows what the fuck she's talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she thought it was a poorly executed cover-up. The closer she says, I look at it, the more I think that it's a poorly executed Venom transformation tattoo from the Spider-Man comics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm correct, it's supposed to be the black goo that encapsulates someone and turns them into the venom character. If you look closely at his elbow in certain pics, you can clearly see the sharp pointy teeth that venom has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so uhm, it's like when that character, that venom character...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just not- they're not cool to- and as far as I know in the tattooing-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there should be some skulls, right? There should be some bloody hearts or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, cool, cool stuff. Spider webs on elbows. That stuff's cool. The knuckle tats. I'm a huge fan of knuckle tats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad they made that one instead of the people's mayor, right? Good call. Good call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This whole thing is a product of the Kardashians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They might be. I don't know why these girls just don't make the leap and do porn. I kind of feel like that's on the table that's coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, dress check, fake tit check, yep. And the dumb girl move, the party girl dance. Is there a manual that all these people consult or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like so inferior and inadequate. Why do you feel that way? I haven't burped at all. You've had all the verbs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to get, here's what I'm going to do, I'm going to get my tits done, I have to get my eyebrows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I have a gene dilemma maybe you can help me with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, my post-birth body, I'm a little fatter than I've been in the past and I, I buy regular people jeans, but I'm kind of like in this gene dilemma where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, the ones I bought are too big, but then when I go a size down, it's too tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause one pair, it's too high and tight if I wear the lower size, and then they're low and loose if I wear the size above.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, if I could put a call out there, guys, any ladies out there know of any really good jeans for when you're kind of still fat, postpartum-y. What are some good jeans to make a lady look a little skinnier and who has a belly right now? I go to the Gap, but I feel like there's a brand out there I'm not aware of that I should be checking out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tanner. Yeah, absolutely correct. Yeah, it's normal to grow up with dads. I guess it's considered quote alcoholism, but if your dad's from the old country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Confronting my dad and being like, dad, I think, I think you might be an alcoholic. And him and my stepmother looked at me like, I was an idiot retard. Like, what are you talking about? You know, alcoholics are, you know, falling down and kind of, I kind of agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would even argue, my dad doesn't drink now, I would even argue he was more fun when he did drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I kinda liked his personality even more when he was a drinker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I know what this is. This is like one of those online community college, colleges.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that's awesome. Good. He needs help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the Irvine improve, improv, or in Irvine, April 7th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's only like four things. Not like you, you're mapped out till November, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh, okay. Yeah, so you've got way more in your head than I do right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You feeling what I'm talking about? I don't know what you're saying. And I don't know what you mean. And I don't know what you mean. It's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What tickles him more? Uhm, Vietnam or the Holocaust? Like what's funnier to your dad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What dad's laughing at. He loves it. Look at dad, guys. Oh, there he is. Okay, that's cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got knocked down and I get up again. That's Chumbawamba.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Playing peekaboo with mom, I can see her. I pooped in my pants and made my mom clean it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I've had on a fucking loop and I don't know if I know, I'm probably introducing it, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's shout out to everybody out there doing their thang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stuff like that. Well, you set it up. Four in the morning I was up and I said it to myself a hundred times. Shout out to everybody out there, all over the world doing their thing. Doing their thing and stuff like that. Stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shout out to every human homo sapien up on bipeds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy is focused. He directed his energy at you. I wouldn't fuck with crazy locs now. I don't want to fuck with them. The Walmart video was playful. He was like, yo, what's up? This is good. And that was like focused energy. He's really, he's in it to win it with you, Sigora.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing my thing, stuff like that. Dude, you just threw down the gauntlet. And I like that you kind of took a veiled approach the way he did with you. So you're meeting where he's at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well you were, okay. So you wanna, you wanna find a venue in San Jose?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do a night thang. Stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first time when you go, cause you do the head thing, you go, shout out to everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, it kills my soul just a little bit to hear a beautiful stadium that maybe some man said, I'd love to build a stadium. Let's, let's build a stadium where, where the people can get together and congregate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was my speech impediment back when I had one and then I've been in treatment and I don't talk that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. I didn't hear all that audio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course we have the best fans everywhere. Same in Brea. They all came out in Brea. It was so much fun. Thank you mommies for coming. I knew you were in there. I could hear. You can tell they're mommies because they laugh at certain things that normal people don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sure. So I invited all the Piszczyckis over. My cousins, Shottie and Julie and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, anyway, they came, uh, my father...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, true, yeaah, just me. And, uh, and so I thought I would interview him about this theme, because every time he comes over, he like loves Ellis, but he's like, God, God, oh fuck, couldn't pay me to do that shit again. I'm like, what are you, what was so bad about, about me? He's like, oh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He hated it, he just hated the first part of my life, but then he loved being a dad later. Anyway, I just thought I would ask him some questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Okay, well, it seemed normal at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so 12'er and then like, I'll be like 8 or 9 and be like, hey dad, you wanna play? Go play on the freeway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then finally I learned if I asked him if I could have some of his beer, like he put some in a cup for me and then I, he put water in it, like I could sit next to him as he was watching, he liked tennis, so he'd be watching his tennis game with a beer and if I drank some of it with him, I could hang out with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I was on the phone with Ryan Sickler talking about, like, uh, sleep training.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause she's shawty. That's what she does. She just butts into your shit. Like she, the personality is like, she just, she knows everything about everything. And you're like, bro, this is not, this is not for you. Like, could you not fucking talk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a harness. It's like a leather harness. And there's pictures of me.


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[Assistant] For sure, we're gonna, yeah. My dad's behavior is none- I think it's because my mom was such a cray cray that my dad seems normal by comparison. You know what I mean? That's why I'm not doing this kind of stuff and crying the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think she like, we didn't hang out at my house that much because she was more like, hey Art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, my dad took us to Hungary, you know, when we were like 18. And, uh, she's used to him, though. So, she's been with my family forever. She's just used to it. We should ask her, actually. I'm not sure. Yeah. Uh, but, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I really do feel like an alien. Because both my parents were so, like so hardcore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, my dad had a fridge in the garage just for Fresca. Fresca and beer, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember I begged my mom to bake something for me. I'd be like, mom, like all the other moms, they bake stuff for their kids. Well, fuck these other moms, they don't have to fucking work for a living.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean you can't half hour your life? Okay. No, I'm not talking like make it from scratch, like, just buy a fucking roll of Pillsbury, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is not an appropriate answer, it's...


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[Assistant] And so, and the best part of this is that people who don't know your mom's house are going to read this. Like the average Yelper is going to be like, what the fuck happened in this restaurant? That's the best part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually a pretty good place. Definitely try the miso. It's hella salty. The garden salad was good, but the dressing was kinda wet, so get that on the side. The staff was nice. My server's name was Dicko. I thought that was inappropriate.


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[Assistant] I'd like to have it. For me. He's got like a ladies body.


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[Assistant] I'm surprised he's 25. More than anything I thought this kid was like 17.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the lamest. Dude, he's so dumb. This kid's the dumbest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's hopped up on something. Something's wrong. No, he's high as fuck. I think, you know, meth makes you real paranoid and like, remember Henry, our old driver? He's like, I would do meth and just look through the peephole. No, he'd smoke crack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There goes my theory. I don't know, I think he's a little jacked up on something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta follow this guy on Vine, these are great. You don't have to. Hey, this is down to 7%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just freely uses the N-bomb like that. He thinks he's black. That's the craziest part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, just to vet it properly. Did she find it? She finds a bunch of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ohhhhh. Right? Why about dudes want that for free? That's not like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it reminds me of is like, for some reason I think of like a deli. Like that's the guy that works behind the deli. You want pastrami? You got any cum in those balls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna cherry cola and cum in your balls? It's like, it's, that, that accent is not sexy. For that kind of context, it's not, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I'm so excited. I've been holding off watching it because I wanted to watch it with you the first time. So I haven't actually watched a lot of these. Because I wanted it to be a surprise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, I'm sorry, those tattoos are this shitty in real life too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna ask my cousin Julie, Julie listens to the show, Julie what the fuck, like why, why this mask? This doesn't look good, it can't be, it can't be the primary tattoo, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe this not, maybe not this number. Maybe another number. What about Born to be Bad? Sure. It's got 8 views. It's breaking us what? It's 20 and this is 8. Born to be Bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is to have a video up for four months on YouTube and only have two views. That's actually really hard. There's not a lot of videos that have such a low view count and they're up so long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This makes me, uhm, I don't know, this seems so authentic. It is. Like, this is a time when, like, MTV actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, this is before the time of the internet and competition shows where people thought they could just make, hey, I'm a musician, look at me on YouTube. Like, these motherfuckers really did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's actually talking about other stuff. It's refreshing to see a rapper talk about stuff other than bitches and money and drugs and stupid shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's so much more relaxing and engaging to watch. Like I actually wanted to see what they were talking about because they were normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe that's why people like podcasts now, cause we're not fucking being phony retards. Sticking it up the whole time. Yeah, yeah. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I like how it cuts to like his different poses, which you know what I'm saying? Yeaah. That's even funnier.


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[Assistant] Two, I might be wrong, but I would say overall, as you know what I'm saying, peace, this is a very strong submission.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For those of you who don't remember, Auntie Fifi, uh, she's been on the show, she's a nice lady from Texas, and she makes all these really uplifting songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just to be, not to be confused with Auntie Fee. That's a different Auntie. Yes. Auntie Fee cooks sweet treats for the kids, but this is different. Auntie Fee Fee. This is two Fee's. And she TMs. Trademark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let auntie Fifi know that you heard her song and you love her at auntie underscore, right? Fifi. Uhm, I don't know. Yea, at auntie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Us speaking to them, it's like the first time we really have this info anywhere. Anyone really has this info.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we do have a really interesting conversation with Ken, uh, but this first part, we want to kind of dive into what the game is and like some top level thoughts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The irrational, the Bioshock, the Ken Levine and his teams, like their touch on story and really how that was going. And, um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that I got what I expected, but I got something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got what I was looking for. They're being creative, they're trying different things with storytelling, and that's very apparent from how characters appear on screen and deliver their dialogue as you walk around to the main character herself, how she's presented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot going on story-wise and like that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I touch on that first because like that's always like my favorite thing about a game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Important characters that, uh, essentially there's like a favorability rating and like you can choose to like start doing one's missions, but then the other one will get pissed off and the game's big thing and Ken's thing that he's kind of been pitching is like how all that stuff intersects and how it changes the game, how it changes like what they say to you. Uhm, so you're dealing with these characters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Johnny Silverhand, uh, the Joker in Arkham.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a really interesting thing for like how, you know, the audio logs in Bioshock was like a significant thing. Like it just really worked for that game and it pushed a lot of that story. Uh, for this, I just thought that was cool because I had to like retrain my gamer brain because when a character appears and they start talking, I just stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Ken does in the interview too, like he speaks to like the nuances of that procedural where it's, there's some subtleties to it, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It almost felt like a, like a very, very light. Um, yeah, like in terms of like I made significant progression and, you know, died once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all about like balancing and tuning things and it's another thing where it's hard to talk about because it is early, but I still felt like I was overall progressing through


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A linear action adventure story based game with like missions to go do in different places and then occasionally I would be reminded like, oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are these persistent, like under the hood elements and like, okay, cool. So like when you do die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, how characters speak about, like if you were into, I'd say like if you were into how Elizabeth looked, animated, spoke, it just felt kind of different. Um, that's kind of like on, on overdrive here with all the characters and then the presentation, the music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of like really interesting cutscenes and just like how they play with everything. Like that, that stuff so far is already like working for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really cool, really creative stuff. It is. It's engaging with them all, the enemies. Again, it's because it's early. It's hard to judge how exactly high level encounters go down. So I'm curious to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So with that, uh, the hacking, I do think is really cool. It's another thing I only was able to scratch the surface on, but I like the way it's implemented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if you're playing on controller, you rotate both the sticks to select different things. It's two things. So it's this and that, which is so smart. So it's like this enemy will terrify this enemy or this enemy will power down or you make this enemy attack this enemy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Powers, conserving my ammo as much as I could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think with that, maybe we roll it over to our interview, our discussion with Ken Levine himself leading up the game, leading up this team at Ghost Story. So, uh, we will roll that now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Raycon, uh, the handy dandy, easy to use earbuds that go with us pretty much everywhere. Uh, they have good quality sound at about half the price versus other premium wireless audio brands. Uh, I've been using these things for years now at this point. Do you guys like throw a pair of these in your bag or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the big thing is that they just check all the boxes, man. They like, uh, different sound profiles, pairs up with Bluetooth, nice and easy. Uh, it's got, uh, awareness mode, noise isolation mode. Like that stuff is really useful. Like you can pause, take calls on it. Basically everything you would need a pair of smart earbuds to do, they do it. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, uh, immune support, gut health, all that stuff. It really helps lock it in in the morning as a lazy gamer. You know, like I, like you said, one scoop water. That's very easy for me. I don't like complications. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where Rapture, Art Deco, like it's, oh, okay. Like you understand that language with Mayflower. It's got a lot going on. It's like grimy, it's flashy, and then it's contemporary cause like people are wearing tank tops and t-shirts and sneakers. So what are some of the inspirations behind the Mayflower?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Ken, thank you for making cool stuff. Games we like to play. Good luck to you and the team. Thank you. And maybe we'll talk after the game releases. Love to have another chat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We know we definitely had a couple of new people coming in to listen to this. So uh, thanks for checking us out. We are Friends Per Second. Uh, we do put out a podcast every other week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we're not every week, so if you want something a little bit more digestible, that's what we do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's it. Uh, thank you guys for listening. We'll see you in the next one. Tie your shoes and go to bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what's up with Robin Wright's ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He took me to a hot tub party in Silverlake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhuh. We're recording again. Goodbye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have, uh, this is just the dumbest thing where, you know, you pay for the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You pay for their producer pro line, and then they throw ads at everybody. So I go, I don't want to have ads. So I hit the upgrade thing, and it says, this is what an upgrade would look like. Uh, here's a watermark because you haven't purchased it. Well how do I purchase it then?


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[Assistant] There's gonna be ads, fuckin', however goddamn often there's ads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we already did our, uh, our ad stuff, our Amazon and Gamefly stuff, and uhm, now, oh, yes, live dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna be, uh, in Louisville this week. Louisville improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Louisville can, Taki, do you know who's from Louisville?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people like to talk about Muhammad Ali being from Louisville, but I actually think that Top Dog's a bigger deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Top Dog, from the Ville. I'm gonna be in his home, hometown. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm excited about that and let's see, where are you, where are you going to be this week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, let's see, after Louisville, I go to San Diego next week for the American Comedy Company week, and I'm doing it with Kyle Kanane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these places on my own. But then Kyle, Kyle's like fucking famous. Like Kyle doesn't need a co-headline at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're putting us together. Which, you know what I'm looking for? I don't have to do an hour a night. I can just do like- That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, and then the next week, New York City, I'm very excited to do a Gotham Comedy Club in New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gonna be at the John Lovett's Comedy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tickets are on sale. You can find the tickets at johnlovetscomedyclub.com. I think we've also tweeted them a bunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can find it on our site, but we're really excited to do a live podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe it's 8pm, 23rd at Lovitz. Uhm, we're gonna have, we're gonna have multiple people stop in to, uh, to say hello and join us, but it'll be really fun to do it live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys have been so supportive on Ustream, uh, excuse me, on iTunes. Those of you who listen on iTunes, please, if you have listened there and that's where you regularly listen, please subscribe so you get it automatically in your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to the, uh. Oh, cause you're a killer. I hit the, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that shit. Look at the fucking face of everybody. Alright, uhm, you ready to do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. And, uh, I gotta give a credit where credit's due. A listener sent that video. So great, right? It's a gem. You gotta see it. You gotta watch her. It's amazing. She definitely does not have teeth and she definitely really loves Nancy Grace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She fucking sucks balls. I fucking hate Nancy Grace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This lady's out of her mind too. No, you can't, you shouldn't go, you should, look, if you're gonna be on TV, always have, if you can't, I understand if you can't get new, get, uh, clean and pressed clothing, like you wanna look, you know, you wanna look decent for clothing, like for, for television.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then third, have teeth. Always have teeth when you're doing television. It's very important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, she was, I think she's been both a defense attorney and a pro, I think she's been both, but I don't buy, I don't like the overly self-righteous people, who even if it's regarding the uhm, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but she does, I don't, that false like, and it's like, oh, the idea that we're supposed to be impressed that you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Against murder, like, when she's like, this guy has kidnapped this child. You should rot in hell. I was like, yea, we know. We already, we all feel that way, asshole. You're not doing anything fucking special. You don't have a special skill. You should go fuck yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She probably is. She's the fucking worst also. Today's a day of just fucking hating everybody. I just absolutely cannot stand this woman. Uhm, yeaah, I know. She always has some fucking tire being cooked with, you know, with, yeaah, with like dead ends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she, um, she always, uh, she likes to turn it up. She likes people to know. She's a screamer. Sometimes I think she leans against the wall. Just, you know what I mean? Yeaah, yeaah. Like if she's in the back of the room, she goes, I think I need to, you know, go up there and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh Jesus, alright. Wow, that was nice. That's our neighbor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know you could just, you don't have to say anything, you could just walk over there and just stand there. There's so many people at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hair. Hair doesn't, it grows weird, you know? Ugh. So how was uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are amazing. If you go to, uhm, also if you go to Facebook, uh, slash your mom's house, your mom's podcast, how's it on Facebook?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's your mom's house podcast. It's your mom's house podcast. Yeah. Yeah, if you go there, you can see the, uh, the fucking, it's the best shirts ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uh, facebook.com your mom's house podcast. It should be up there. Uh, and it's also like on our, uh, on our, uh, personal Facebook pages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's amazing. He made a real two bears in a cave, crazy t-shirt, and uhm, and then the mommy gerbils one. Big fucking shout out to that. How was the actual show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you did was, it already, they know it's in there. They know it's in the arsenal, just hang on to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you can just horrify them if your point is, uh, is such an interesting or like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can be horrifying, but uh, if like, if what you're saying, you keep digging through it and it's either really revealing of a truth, like there's some honesty to it, or it's just so flat out hilarious, like it's undeniably funny. So it's gross, but the paint, the picture you paint is so funny that they can't deny. Right, right. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a really fucking funny thing happen. Well, uhm, we decided, well, first of all, do you have my phone? Cause I can, I think I can play this and try to hook up this video for everybody. So what happened was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Thursday was the worst show I've been a part of in years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen anything like it. I mean, literally in my professional career, I haven't seen, I've done, you know, you do privates, I've done corporate events. I did a corporate a few years ago for like a home builders association. Disaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit like that. I've had obviously club shows where you're like, I wish that would have gone better. Or you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the first 20 minutes sucked, but then it picked up, or the first 20 minutes were good, then it went downhill, blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was just like front to back of fucking zero, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was terrible. It was so bad that when there were people, there were some people who were like, that was funny, like I like that. And I was like, yeah. And then I almost said, what are you doing later this week? Because I want you to come back and see how it should go. You know what I mean? Like I was about to invite them, be like, what are all your names? I'm going to put you on the guest list for Saturday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then like, Friday first show was okay, the second show was great, and then Saturday was great. So we ended up having a lot of fun, and I was working with Tommy Ryman, this is a really funny comic from Minneapolis, and uh, Taylor, god damn it, what's your, Taylor Connolly I think is his name, out of Boston was the emcee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for, for Sunday I was like, it's Mother's Day, there's not going to be a lot of people there. Let's just do something to make ourselves laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So first I asked, well, I asked the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The announcer, like the guy that does the announcements, to add a little something, a little flavor to the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the announcements, and he was like, well what do you want me to say? And I was like, just say this, and uhm, you know, we'll get-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want you to open with this. And he was like, okay, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see if I think I can get this to play, uh, through the system. So I'm going to connect something to this. Let's see if this works. Okay. Hold on one second. I'll try this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You dared him to do that. Yeah, that was my, um, that was for my own amusement. And uhm, so I got, I got the, uh, the announcer guy. Am I on? Am I everything good here? Yeah, I can hear you. Okay, I got, I got him to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, your mom's in the fucking stands, you can do it better than that. And then I got the MSC to say, pussy, pussy, pussy, I want some pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's so funny that you told me that when you said that to me, because what happened was, after uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I established that, oh, then I established for Tommy, we decided, Tommy, the, the comic from Minneapolis, he does a bit about like scat, uhm, jazz, yea. And, and he ends up, uh, like the bits basically that like the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scott, uh, came from somebody who, who stutters. And he does a thing where he stutters and it's really funny and then he has like a punchline. I'm not gonna do his whole bit, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, he stuttered for like 10 seconds, and I was like stutter for at least 30 seconds. Like so. So it gets like really long, but then it's gonna be like funny again, and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he did it and it killed, like it killed. Cause he made it like awkward and then funny again. Right. And then when he did the punchline, it like, it really killed. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody agreed to it and I was like, what should I say? And then they were like, you should say, are you motherfucking mothers ready to do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like that should be your first line. So I was like, alright. So what I also added to it, I was like, how about I'll dance onto the stage. Like I'll get up and I'll actually dance onto stage. And they were like, yeah, definitely dance on the stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I came out, danced, and I was expecting because, like when he said, pussy, pussy, pussy, I want some pussy, they were like, huh? Which is always the best. I first got, uh, Brooks Robinson to do that in Minneapolis. Uhm, and they were like, what? Like they don't know what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and they kinda reacted like that. Although he added a tag to it that was pretty funny. Taylor said like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's even better when there's like a hundred or less. Yeah. Like if there's like 60 people, you're going to see the most authentic, probably funniest show of the week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did they react to that when he did that? Mortified. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what uhm, I had a table of black women, all big fat black women at a show this week that were like hollering and hooting and then when I said something like real nasty, I forget what I said, I said something just really dirty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I don't remember which part it was, but it was something really like graphic, like maybe porn related. Oh really? That's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but then I saw them all just went like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I went, you guys just got upset. And then they started laughing because they were like, totally in disapproval of it. It's really funny because they do, they'll show you that disapproval.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did the uhm, the most fun thing, one of the most fun things I've ever, you know, you do things on the road to amuse yourself? So, Tommy and I, you know, we walked around, we did stupid shit, walked into,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we go get coffee and go get lunch. Whatever is walking distance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Or in my case, there's no car, so no one's picking you up for anything. So you just walk to what's next door. So we walk to the strip mall next door, and we're just like, alright, and then we walk into Casual Mail XL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And enormous in many regards. It's if you're 500 pounds, you shop there. If you are 6'10", and you're, you know, you're not, you don't have to be obese, but you're just huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or you could be just a fucking like viking built guy where you can't buy shit at regular stores.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's, yeah, it's for the super obese, it's for tall, it's for... So we walk in there, and there's two, there's nobody in the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we walk in there and to give you, just to give you like, like the, you know, size. I'm six feet tall and I weigh about 240, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wear an XL, usually, uh, shirt, and uh, 38 inch pants. Yea, I need to lose like 40 pounds. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if he weighs 160. So he is a, obviously a slim build, like very slim, not an ounce of fat on the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was like, uh, well, there's some at that back, back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On that clearance table over there, there's some seven X's. Seven. Seven X's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what they, they have it and they can order 10x, 9x and 10x, but in the store they had some 7x.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, okay, I go, so you get, uh, what's like the biggest guys you see in here? And they're like, oh, there's some really big guys. And then they go, you know, we see such big guys all the time that you guys actually look normal to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because she thought that we were huge guys, but that she couldn't just, she couldn't see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you understand? Like she thought that we walked in and we were shopping there because we're huge guys and we need huge things. But she was like, we're so used to seeing so big that you guys don't even look huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you guys actually look like normal guys, not like, and we wanted to be like, yeah, we are. But she was like, I was like, yeah, okay, so we need to look at that stuff. And they were very friendly. And then we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we put on, I make, Tommy put on the 7X.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And had him keep trying on stuff, but keep asking for mediums. Like, don't you have like a medium or something that I can try this in? Like, no, we only have huge shit. And he's like, I like this, but I just want a medium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm letting you, you know what I was thinking is like, I don't even mean like, uh, the, the fat aspect of it. Like, you realize it like, like there's some places where I go to buy a shirt, I'll try on their biggest shirt, and it'll be like an XL or something, and it won't fit. And I'll be like, oh, what's the next? And they're like, that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but that's for me, but that's for me. So imagine a guy, not even like obese, I'm just saying like a dude who's let's say, not even close to humongous, but let's say he's like 6'3", 6'4", and he's like just built, he can't buy anything anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 85? He's not like s- like hanging off of himself like, you know, like the biggest guy in the world. He's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw the Avengers, I saw the Avengers with my buddy Matt Stowe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw, I saw 3D, I didn't see IMAX 3D. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DirecTV is getting up there. Those fucking cunts, this is what they did. They... They went and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last, no, it was like May 5th. Cinco de Mayo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Synchro to Mayo, uhm, is a humongous fight. Mayweather Kodo. Right? So I go, I wanna get Mayweather Kodo fight. I'm gonna have some buddies over, watch the fight, and have a few drinks. Just do what fucking people do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it's the day of the fight, the morning of the fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I call DirecTV and I go, hey, cause I know, what happens is when you get married, like you take some people who were the primary on something, you just carry it over, right? Like you have a DirecTV account, I go, alright, we carry yours. So your name is like the primary name on the account, right? And then like I'm on, I'm the primary name on the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cellphone and, and other, so that's just, but it's like, whatever, that's what people do when they get married, they're like, well add my person to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanna give out your number, Blanca? So, I go, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go, are we speaking to... Christina? No, they go, uh, they go to her husband, I'm like, yeah. And then they're like, are you Tom? And I was like, yes. They're like, how can we help you? And I'm like, I want to order the Kodo Mayweather fight. And they're like, okay. I was like, do you want to just order it right now? We can do that. Um, and there's just like a service charge of like, like eight bucks or something for, for doing it. And I go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've ordered movies before, just on texting, and I can't use that. And they're like, yeah. And they go, and then there's no fee at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, she's saying like, I'll just put it through right now, but it'll be like an extra. The fight's like 70 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I give her my phone number and she's like, oh no, no, there's only one phone number per account. And I go, oh, I know. Can you add my number to the account? And she was like, no, there can only be one number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her number away, to add my, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it doesn't make any sense. So then, what do I have to do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People usually say, can we add 7 phone numbers in case we can never get in touch with you? Can we get your work line? Can we get a fax number for you? Can we get this and that? And you're like, alright, yea, here's all the numbers. We can't do it. We can't fucking add numbers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was alright, and it wasn't like when we ordered the movie we tried to watch, and when we ordered the movie, so like on the pay-per-view screen, you know, there's the HD and the standard dev, and we want HD one, and it says 10.30, but we've also ordered them before where whatever time you order a movie, it'll just start playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, like, we start going like, okay, well that's what we wanna do, and then she's like, alright, so, just wait till 10.30. And we're like, wait a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just said that we don't have to wait til 10.30. You just said we can watch videos. Not with this one, just when you gotta wait til 10.30. It's like, bet you just said that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, uhm, it's like a box that you are basically, you're getting TV from the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made coffee, I'm just sitting there, I'm watching Sports Center, and it's like, it's like, uh, fading in and out, it's like jumping in and out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I check another channel, another channel does work, I just restart the box. It doesn't restart. It goes, it sends me an error message. So it says, restart your box again. So I do it again, like reload the whole thing. Usually that solves everything. It gives you a number with a diagnostics code.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I call and I go, hey, what's the, here's the code. And they're like, oh, basically your box is fucked. The drive is, it's shot. And I was like, great, I just ordered the fucking, the fight. I just gave you 70 bucks for the fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, do you have another box? And I was like, yeah, cause we have another room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, just hook that box up in there. Which is great. Okay, great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I go, what about the bad box? They're like, we're going to send you a new one, take


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Within seven days of sending you the new one, we will charge you $250.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that I can fucking, I will take the satellite off the roof and I'm gonna go, I'm gonna find a DirecTV representative and I'm gonna break the fucking satellite over his head until he just, he shits out the bottom of his shoes. That's what I'm gonna fucking do if I find a, a fee. They will, I guarantee they will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're never gonna see a fucking penny. It's the worst. You fucking cunts. Oh shit. Oh Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've always known them to be, I gotta say, from what I've seen on the American version, they're way better than what you find in Europe. I mean, in Europe, they're just absolutely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in Europe they're fucking rats and roaches. Like they're fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All they do is pickpocket and steal. Oh, they're hated. They're hated. Here they're like, yeah, we're gypsies, like we adhere to the gypsy traditions, but like, they were all working and like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm sure that the- They're scum fucks. But Irish is not here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is what I'm saying. Like the American gypsies are better than the Irish, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they're like, they're shitty in like, in like the way that all white trash is shitty. Yeah. Like they're uneducated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they say stupid shit, they're into, all they do, their main thing is fucking pop a couple pills, smoke and drink and fucking, let's get it on, like that's what, they're dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that they're fucking dumb, but I'm saying that like when you go to Europe, it's like you have to fucking constantly check your pockets. They're throwing babies at you. I don't think that these American gypsies in Georgia that we saw are throwing their babies at people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So set this up. So last night, we're watching this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The parents are like, you need to drop out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go out of their way to specify what a non gypsies a what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, like the kind you like too. Like, you know, when you're in middle school and high school, especially when you're like eighth grade 14 and you're like, you hear about who's giving out hand jobs and who's letting them, you finger them and you're like, oh yeah, it's the ones that dress like that. These chicks keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The girls that, the girls that like dress the way that they dress at the parties. Oh my god. Are the ones, like yea you see them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And 8th grade, but they're the ones that are fucking, you know, juggling cocks way before everybody else, you know? I guess, man, I don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, Puff Daddy ain't got shit on this party. That's a quote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's really just like every fucking, I mean to me he strikes me like every like redneck labor kind of hand that you see anywhere who's just like, it's Friday, I got 600 bucks, it's all cash, it's my pay for the week, let's go fucking blow 500. Burning a hole in his pocket. He's gotta get hammered. Yeah, so here's a little bit of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pat Baby and his daughter on, uh, my big fat American gypsy wedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's right, cause she has her primary and then the secondary. And they're both, the primary one, what it looks like, is like if, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If a really poor white trash girl were designing like a wedding dress and you're like, you can't fucking wear that. But her second outfit, the, the, uh, the one, that is like a go-go fucking dancing like Vegas kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of the Halloween party and her wearing these outfits, the entire idea is that potentially she'll meet her husband. Her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When she's wearing a glitter, fuckin' Daisy Duke shorts with hearts on them. And she'll be like, this could be fuckin' Nugget Boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hat baby is like, yo man, that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So check out this foot. I'll put this on. This will be on Ustream. I don't know how to obviously do fucking anything on this, but uhm, if you go to, uh, is this, you guys see this well? Did everybody see me? Did everybody see what's going on? Uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna show you this other clip where this is them at the party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they don't have, I mean, they don't have real money. You know, they just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The voters, it's so fun that you guys do this by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You jumped in and you voted, uh, and anybody can do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All you gotta do is go to Facebook.com slash...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but the idea is that we put these up there and then you guys decide who you want to fill up and seal shut. It's a poll. It's like any poll. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's look at the, uh, most recent polls. Why is this... Always takes like a... I don't know how it...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did Rachel Ray vs Giada de loronitis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rachel Ray, not even competition for you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if she's a goblin, I think the whole thing is you can hold her head down and make her go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really not that surprising when you consider his, uh, following and his, uh, appeal to so many types of people. Anthony Bourdain and Bobby Flay. And, uh, Bourdain just, you know, owned it, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So ladies, we picked a couple of real hotties that are going to really appeal to you. Would you rather get filled up and sealed shut by Samuel L. Jackson or


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, uh, I've seen both in interviews say that they get approached by fans that think they're the other one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, they don't look alike, first of all. They don't. Like shit freckles. Yeaah, they don't look alike at all. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Sam Jackson's gonna be, you know, somewhat, somewhat abusive. You know, he's gonna say things that really get...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, yeaah, I think, I think it's kind, it's almost like the, uhm, uh, when we're talking about like Bobby Flay and Anthony Bourdain. It's almost that type of thing where like, you know, like I figure, I figure like Morgan Freeman is more the kind of guy who's gonna be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because he's like, I can't get in there. And then you're like, well, we can't do it then. And then he's going to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'd be nice to you, but if Sam Jackson, let's say you're getting in Sam Jackson and you're like, it's just, it's too much, Sam Jackson's gonna be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who do you want? Do you want to be filled up and sealed shut by a guy who's really essentially, he's just, you know, he's treating you basically like Or do you want somebody who's just gonna be like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that, and kind of it's aggressive, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. And... I think you're going with him. Uh, with Sam Jackson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they're not necessarily you're getting more Cosby freckles, but you know, when you get older, your skin can kind of, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I like to party, so. Sam Jackson. Sam Jackson, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we throw two ladies in there also? To kind of make this, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Precious is a, that's a, that's a big girl. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you give me shit about being fucking gross. God damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I'm thankful. So would you rather Philip and Seale shut Gabori Sibadei? Precious. Precious. Or Melissa McCarthy, who was in Bridesmaids. And Mike and Molly. And she's Molly from Mike and Molly. Both very funny. Both big girls. What's your style? What are you into? Personally, I, I, I think that Gabori will put it on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she will polish off your cock like it is a fucking chicken wing. I think she will literally try to get the meat to come off the end of the stick. I really do. And I think she, I also find, I think she might be insatiable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this is a perfect one to ask the listeners. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So, that's a great one to throw out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To me, the best of those is that like, after the initial one, I thought I kinda had seen them all. No, but I mean, I thought I'd seen all the ideas of it, and I'm like, yeah. And then like, I'll still get tagged in them, and I'll be like, what's this, and I'll be like, that's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody, somebody, uh, I saw that one. Someone said, uh, Tom, Tom and Bert are taking a bath. No splashies. And there's two bears, like, in the water. It's pretty funny. Yeah, it's really funny. You guys are hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we shipped out a bunch of stuff. I wanted to throw that out to you. If you ordered the highest, tightest jeans bundle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The highest, tightest jeans bundle includes my album, Thrilled, Christina's album, It's Hard Being a Person, Christina's poster, and the Kingfish shirt. You get it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and those, we shipped out a bunch last week, we ship out a bunch more tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for ordering those, thank you for ordering those. I dropped my cookie. Oh shit, you ordered a fuck load of kingfish shirts, uh, which is awesome, and I didn't even tell you this, I had to reorder again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys, the one, now I will tell you this, I'm not telling you what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Kingfish one is obviously based on a riff. There's a new one that's being designed that's gonna be the official shirt of the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is the coolest fucking thing I've ever seen. I'm so excited to have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, absolutely. There's not gonna be, there's not gonna be a mommy alive that doesn't have one. That's how fucking top notch it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, thank, and thank you for your support. Obviously when you do stuff like that, uh, when you order that stuff, it supports the show. It helps us, uh, you know, take care of our business, yo. So thank you and I love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, when you send me a picture of you wearing your kingfish shirt, that is an automatic retweet, y'all. So definitely keep sending me the photos of you in your kingfish shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sensitive. Right, but what I'm saying is that even though that was a gross exaggeration, you do react sometimes as if that's what I'm doing. Like I'll be like, oh yeah, and you're like, what? What is it? What? And I'm like, nothing man. I just said like, oh yeah, like just fucking, what is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm not, but I'm not, I'm saying I'm not, that wasn't like a huge thing that I did, but you're still acting like that it was a holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and uhm, yeah, that was definitely up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, it's up to, they added another one, 37 now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, uh, I'm still with you. I'm still jerking off my dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also like that you, you earlier in the show pointed out not to say that something's gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, either, either expression. No, it's terrible. It's horrible to say that's gay. Terrible. Because it's demeaning to the gay. It is. But it's also, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's demeaning to also say, hey faggots, I farted. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you either are killing people all the time or you're, you're really getting a lot of negative attention. You might get actually killed yourself if you fart in the wrong spot, right? Cause you're going to fart and your ass is going to go, Hey faggots, it's your ass that does it. Yeah, your butt says it, screams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, you don't have to know up to it, but I'm just saying they're going to be like, who is that? And you're going to be like, meh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so, but I think the only way you could choose the burping one would be if you want to kill homeless people. Because that's really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I would choose, personally, I'm choosing, hey faggots, I farted farts. I'm choosing, first of all, I wanna hear,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yelling that shit and it's not cool. And people are gonna be like, you know, every time he takes a shit, he says this like 60 times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll take it just for the, for the laughs, cause there's gonna be too many laughs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I'm taking the- Hey, Fragas, I fart. What are you taking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'll say it in the same voice that you're doing the impression under. You'll be like, you talk like that. And she'll be like, I talk like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we gotta get out of here. You guys are uhm, are always our favorite mommies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come see me in Louisville, uh, and then San Diego and New York, and of course our live show May 23rd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That going on. Please go to the Facebook page, facebook.com, slash your mom's house podcast, like it, and then get involved. It's basically, it's a forum, it's where we can interact with you, you know, we do the voting, people just post pictures. Is this yours? Yeah, I got it out for free, and there was like a giveaway they were giving away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This video is brought to you by friend of the channel Squarespace. Stick around to learn more about how their intuitive website creation tools help people turn their hobbies into careers and dreams into reality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get out here, Stu. Get out here, Stu. Okay, so this is, this is Stuart. He is the editor of the Friends Per Second podcast and also one of the editors on the Skill Up channel. So, he lives in San Fran, which is why he's here now. He's come down to visit, so good to have you here, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like, hey, let's just upgrade our little setup a little bit. Cause usually we have like the hotel thing and the lighting is garbage and whatever. We're like, you know what, let's spend a little bit of money this time and let's get a little logo up behind us. And we have a proper recording studio and it's nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think he's like doing a, like a subtle, like brainwashing thing, like, oh, I'm going to get them, I'm going to get them to forget this is an award show, which is TGA now. Like, yeah, right. Okay. Like when Kentucky fried chicken just went KFC cause they don't want to have the word fried in their name. Is that what you think it is? Is that why that happened? Wow. Well, I assume so. I mean, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My ears, I honestly felt like I had to do this with that one because I was just, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always been like, I've always understood the challenges that Jeff faces with this event. And I've always kind of, like people say, like, oh, I've definitely been accused of being a Jeff apologist. Where like, I'm like, you know, I'm like, no, look, it's really hard to put this on. It costs a lot of money. Sure. We have to sit through some bullshit fucking commercials and whatever, but like he's doing it and you're, and like that's important and whatever. But this year, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At that point, I was just like, no, fuck this, this sucks, you know, because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That person deserves that moment. And the very next cut after that was like they cut straight to a commercial for a gacha game. You know what I mean? Like, the contract, and like, and Jeff's up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, oh, I love profiling indies and I really want to use this space to profile indies. And if you can't give the best indie game of the year, the chance to stand up and give a 30 second speech.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, and the same with best score for Final Fantasy 16 was Soken. Soken made that music while he was going through chemo. And he was writing for two fucking video games, you know what I mean? And he didn't get to receive that. Armored Core won best action game


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that community, like that was a thing for them to be recognized. Like that was a big deal. A lot of people really, like Armageddon means something to a lot of people. And for them to be able to get up there and receive that award would have been something, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best art direction. Didn't get its moment. Uhm, there was one other one I can't remember now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Community, yep, from Vlarin, yep. But I mean, it's just overall...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I just, on balance, that, all of it really pissed me off a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did, well, so he tweeted about the third, cause what also was revealed was that people were told they only had 30 seconds to receive their awards. And first of all, 30 seconds is not enough time. It's just not. And I go, no, like Chris Judge did the eight minute thing or whatever, and made this joke about Call of Duty this year. Quite funny. Oh, that's uh, that's pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the past, as I said, I've understood the balance, I've definitely, you know, defended what was going on and the reasons for it, but this year, the 30 second speeches coupled with so many awards not going directly to people, having their moment,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, I was like, no, this is terrible. And I really, really dislike this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, we should have had, we should not have had better seats in the future class. You know what I mean? Like, no way. Put us in the back. Put us in the corner. It's fine. Whatever. So yeah, I don't know, like, and I wonder, look, and I think as well, when I see this conversation online, I definitely see a lot of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's one, like, cause I don't think we're that far from a solution, by the way. Like, I actually think on balance,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The idea that we have trailers and also awards is good because it does bring eyeballs and I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, so I'm not proposing this wholesale shift where we do one thing or the other or whatever, but like just trim off a few trailers.


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[Assistant] But I wonder, I wonder if it has the intended impact of like,


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[Assistant] That was actually a real, that was one of the best things I've ever seen at an award show. And the fact that Sam got up there himself and was just doing his thing, it was cool. It was fantastic.


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[Assistant] Yeah, sure, no. For me, it's not remotely surprising for Spider-Man, cause like, it's a really solid game, don't get me wrong. But, like, we've played big chunks of it before, uh, and there's so many other new things that we've experienced this year that we really just like, so stand out.


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[Assistant] That is a remarkable video game. It got zero awards. Because I just think the way you size up the categories and then the nominees and whatever, the deck is just stacked against it in 2023. You know? It's just, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's true, cause I mean, Alan Wake 2 won best, again, for Time Magazine. And, that's like a thing. Teller Swift, person of the something or other. Does she need more popping up? She needs, and you gotta buy all three copies of the thing now, all three covers.


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[Assistant] Narrative, yes, yeaah. I was very happy about that, because from the direction side I was really hoping that it would win, because it really felt like from a direction perspective, that there was just, you could feel the fingerprints of those directors on that game. And obviously, Baldur's Gate is this incredibly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The composition of Borders Gate is remarkable. The scale of it, the design, whatever. And obviously, direction is...


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[Assistant] It was such a weird trailer. I don't know why they did that to be honest. I guess they just want to make people aware that Starfield exists. Like anyone watching the Game Awards doesn't already know what Starfield is. Do you know what I mean? Like, that was very weird.


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[Assistant] I just read a headline today about the people who did the mod for Skyrim.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, well, obviously, everyone, like the judge, no one, like Jeff, for example, didn't put it there. It's kind of just the judges all choose what they put there, right? So obviously a critical mass of judges decided that this was deserving of the ongoing label.


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[Assistant] Oh, with like, uhm, the, the, the racing sim one with like,


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[Assistant] Forza vs FC 24 and all this sort of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Weird, yeah. But I mean, yeah, uhm, uh.


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[Assistant] I still feel weird about the category though. I agree. I'm like super happy that they get a moment to recognize the work that they've done. And it's like, cause I really do believe Cyberpunk is a magnificent game now. I always believed it was really great, but obviously it was fucked obviously at launch, clearly.


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[Assistant] And it's nice that they get a moment where they get to celebrate that. And I think if there was a category of like, best game fixed up post launch, sure, you know what I mean? Absolutely. But like, best ongoing game


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[Assistant] I think that's a thing where it's like this game says that we are planning to be a game that is there and we're being constantly updated and we're building a community over time and we know what those games are, right?


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[Assistant] This is not one of those games. This is a standalone thing that you play and you finish.


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[Assistant] And, you know, like very self-aware kind of tweet or whatever.


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[Assistant] And uhm, and it's the cyberpunk, did you guys say this? The cyberpunk...


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah. So the official Cyberpunk Twitter handle then responded to his tweet being like, don't worry, you can fix it later. Like smiley face kind of thing. And it's kind of like, that's weird.


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[Assistant] That's it. I mean, and they're two, they're the two stories. Like those games, those two games, and obviously Final Fantasy XIV are like the, really the three games that we talk about when it comes to these redemption arcs. But I don't think we're at a point with Cyberpunk where you can make that joke on Twitter. It comes down to-


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[Assistant] Wait, okay. I didn't know that. I honestly hadn't even heard of him, I don't think, so.


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[Assistant] Uh, as to be expected, and totally deserved. I mean, gotta be a rough year for Aonuma. I mean, like, you literally somehow managed to top one of the greatest games ever made. And you're like, well, that's my work done, I'll wait for my awards later this year. And then August rolls around and he's like, fuck. The D&D nerds have done it. That's right.


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[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. I was sitting like six feet from Reggie.


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[Assistant] Oh nice. I was too scared to say hello. I was like, I don't want to bother the man. Long Island zone. Is he from Long Island? He went to school on Long Island. I'm like, I'm taking that one.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right, right. Any final thoughts? Just very glad that Baldur's Gate got what it deserved. It was really nice. The suit of armor was great. Yep, it was beautiful.


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[Assistant] Let's talk about breaking into the games coverage business. A lot of people ask me how to join games media or become a YouTuber, etc. Truth is, there are a lot of paths into this gig. For me personally, I like making videos, so YouTube works.


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[Assistant] But what if you're all about the written word and want to write for a publication, or maybe even start a publication of your own? Well if that's the case, then you're gonna want to set up your own website, ideally with Squarespace.


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[Assistant] Squarespace lets you create professional looking websites in minutes. They have a whole bunch of really customizable templates you can tweak to your own preference. And in no time at all, you can have space online where you can begin writing and publishing your own work.


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[Assistant] Maybe that site is kind of like a portfolio that an outlet might look at when you're applying for a gig. Or maybe you just go independent and do your own coverage your own way.


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[Assistant] If you're gonna do that, then you're definitely gonna need to worry about things like SEO, otherwise your work won't appear in search. Luckily, Squarespace provides helpful SEO tools for just that. You're also gonna wanna know how people find your website and what people are doing when they get to it. That's why Squarespace has detailed analytics tools allowing you to track all that stuff and more.


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[Assistant] Since 2003, Squarespace has been helping people turn their dreams into reality. So if there's a passion that you'd like to make a career, then check out Squarespace for free by visiting squarespace.com, and when you're ready to get serious, use offer code SKILLUP at checkout for 10% off your purchase of a domain name. Thanks Squarespace for sponsoring the video, and thank you for watching it.


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[Assistant] Uhm, weeee. And we're back! I reckon we just keep going there. We're back, we're back already. We're back, here we are. Uh, the next thing actually is an interview. Excuse me.


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[Assistant] Uh, with Rebecca Ford and Megan Everett of Digital Extremes. Uhm, so I've known these guys for years. Uh, like met them years ago when I was playing a lot more Warframe. Uh, there's a funny clip which we're gonna show you at some point in the episode when we met a little while back.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but they're really fantastic and really genuinely are trailblazers in the world of community management. They were doing stuff.


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[Assistant] Can I just say we've never had a podcast begin with one of those things? Is that what it's called?


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[Assistant] But hello and welcome. It's really amazing to see you guys. Uhm, it's been how long now?


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[Assistant] I think it was, yea, the last time we were in a room together was five years ago in London?


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[Assistant] It probably was actually. Yeah, that's right. And if anyone doesn't remember that, we did an interview together.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so another guy had to drive me because like the road, the, I don't know, whatever, like transport was down. And so he's like, don't worry, man, I'll just drive you to the airport. I'm like, uh, I don't know, man. And then he's like, just get in my pickup truck. I'm like, alright.


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[Assistant] But you guys, well, I don't know, not everyone agrees, but uhm, still doing the same thing, but you guys are now in different roles, uhm, you know, there's been some movement at DE over the years, uhm, and so Megan, you are now head of? Community, community director.


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[Assistant] Um, and what was it like making that jump up to from like, cause you were like manager and then now you're lead.


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[Assistant] Smooth things out internally, make sure you felt really comfortable and is that...


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[Assistant] I'm really interested because, I mean, I have a personal view on this with relation to community management. I mean, cause I was, you know, watching you guys back in like the day 2018, 2017.