[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So just so people know, right? Because people have learned to enjoy seeing the dog in front. You know, one thing that was very shocking to me when I came to America is to see precedents following a dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except for this president, he doesn't have a dog, but previous presidents, they all have a dog. But you always see a dog going inside Air Force One first and going to the White House first. That was a bad, bad thing for Americans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, not like in Latin America, politicians do not influence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but here in America, the presidents have a dog. So when I saw that for the first time, it's like, why one day I have to go to the White House and tell them, you know, that that's not a good thing for Americans to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, not, not from the beginning. So a dog has to do, has to do three things. Follow, play and explore. Most people when they walk a dog, they walk a dog in a play, explore state, but they're on the sidewalk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's not the place for the brain to practice, play and explore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they need to be, they need to be in a, in a state of following you. So when they see another dog, they don't claim for the sidewalk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see it? So that's when a dog is in front, he's also leading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's leading, playing, exploring. That's what, that's what you see humans just doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, and I said, my dog is not friendly. It's not that the dog is not friendly, it's that they have the dog in that state of mind by being in front. But, you know, uh, if you want to see the humans in America do walk a dog the right way, watch the homeless people and watch the handicapped people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the handicapped people have a dog right next to them, for obvious reasons. And the homeless people have a dog behind a leash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nine out of ten homeless have pit bulls. Nobody complains when a homeless person walks a dog off leash. That dog is out of control. That dog is well behaved. But because it's living with a homeless, that human has a different perception about that poor dog instead of that dog is happy. That dog is absolutely happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Well behaved. 24 hours, seven days a week. Yeah. There is no moment where those people are separated from the dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of my clients, they have to leave the dog 12 to 16 hours a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see what I'm saying? So the nature of a dog is to always be with the family. So actually the homeless provides that lifestyle. So the working people, they have to learn to teach a dog to disconnect so he can learn to live this unnatural lifestyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so, so to separate yourself from your parents is so unnatural. That's why in preschool most kids cry. Sure. You know what I mean? But, but now you have to go to school. But then the brain doesn't know how, instinctually how to disconnect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You understand? Because you don't feel safe anymore. It's a different pack. Right. And you haven't done natural activities with that pack. Eventually that becomes your teacher and your friends. Right. You see what I'm saying? So it's unnatural. Animals will never send kids to school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, most of the animals that I have are, they have that same in common, which is migration, you know, walking. So as long as I can put them into a migration mode, they become a family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can have a horse, an elephant, a camel, a zebra, a dog, a pig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they walk in the same direction, they will become a family. They will. Yeaah. Yeaah. Fascinating. Because they're practicing migration. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You see what I mean? So they're not doing it because it's a conscious love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? So, so when you lack of knowledge, you're unconsciously not loving right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, eh, so right now, uh, everybody, I have time. I need to put my time into something else instead of putting their time in themselves so they can actually heal and connect themselves to the, do they trust themselves? Do they respect themselves? Do they love themselves? Do I'm living my life at a hundred percent? Cause the dog is going to come in and say, Oh my God, you don't trust yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't respect yourself, right? You definitely don't love yourself, right? And they know that on Wednesday you're just miserable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we need to make sure that before we bring a human or a dog or a child into our home, that our energy is in a good place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, because that's what we're going to give, not just the shelter, but our energy, as the activities we have, are they're healthy activities that we exercise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your instincts have to be right, your heart has to be right, your spirit has to be right, then your mind has to be right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see it? Because I don't care about the intellectual how smart you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So within the, within the litter of German shepherds is going to be low, medium, high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so only one of those can be a police dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I will destroy the house just like any high level energy dog. Yeah, we have one like that. You see what I'm saying? So, so it's very important to understand what energy you can choose family, but you can definitely choose dogs and friends. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So, so for me, I always choose happy go lucky dogs. Yes. Always. So those are the middle of the pack. We chose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But 5 AM I woke up and I began to ask myself, how do I feel? You gotta check on yourself. You can't just wake up and begin to stretch. You know what I mean? Especially when your goal in life is to change the world. You know what I mean? You got high goals. You came from such humble beginnings. I didn't jump the boarder for nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, so for me, I wanted to be the best doctor in the world because I thought that was the only title to achieve in the dog world. The best. Yes, the best in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to be a soccer player. I want to be an actor because the novellas are very big in Mexico. Uhm, I want to be a singer. I can't sing. So I always want to be something, it's more like a, how can I provide for my family? You know, at the same time, I'm a Virgo, so I got to do things right. Did you see, did you see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, as an immigrant, what you're seeing is the opportunities. So this is definitely the land of opportunities, right? But as an immigrant, you always look at the empty spaces. Because, you know what I mean? It's all these spaces that are empty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and then nobody wants them. You know what I mean? Oh, nobody sees the opportunity or like, oh why? They're not focusing on this. Why are they putting so much focus on training the dog? And no one is training the humans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see it? So when you go around the world, then you get to see how the world thinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? You can be, okay, that thing from Asia can actually be really good here in America. That's what the proud acupuncture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Yoga, where does it come from? It comes from freaking India. You see what I'm saying? So why? Because Americans need to relax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do like a meditation, you center yourself. Yep. And then what? And then, uhm, I say, uhm, good morning to my girl. You know, make sure I praise respect. Okay. Okay. Okay. And then, and then I go and always brush your teeth and all that stuff. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm seeing that. You see it? So what I'm saying is invite. Because when they invite themselves, they're invading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You understand? So, so they wait. You're inviting them to the bed, it's comfortable, it's big, right? But then you tell them where you want them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I was, I was just making sure that we'll make $5 a day because back then you got, you can go to AMPM at 7-Eleven, do hot dogs for 99 cents. So literally you just need a dollar in America to eat, which is amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt more like a tourist. Because there's a lot of people in Europe, they walk all over Europe and they sleep anywhere. You know what I mean? And so, I never felt homeless. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just a moment that I needed to go through. I was on the border for two weeks. That was hard. That was harder than being a homeless in America, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cartelist can, can just kidnap you and take you and you know what I mean? So there's a lot of risk that the people don't understand. So when we come up here, just a little chance will be nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six o'clock. Six o'clock. We're only one hour in your day. See, see, you know, and then we walk, I walk the dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I go to the property after, sometimes I do interviews like this, but then at 8am we go to the gym. You know, my girl and I. So after your two hour walk with the dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, then Andre, my 25 year old comes in and he then he does what I used to do back then, you know, which is now the mental stimulation and all of that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I, I do take a nap. She does take a nap all the time, but I, I just, from there after we come back, have breakfast, I go to the ranch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, then I go with the emus, the alpacas, the llamas, you know, the donkey and everybody. Then we go for a four hour walk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? So the Olympians, you know, when people go to the Olympics, that's a human as its best animal form.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the reason why I enter into rehabilitating pit bulls and actually, you know, having a pit bull as my right hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the thing is, is power. Okay, you're born with certain power. Aggression is an accumulation of negative physical energy and the wrong mental way of dealing with things. Then you can become aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see what I mean? So can any human become aggressive? Absolutely. Is it a race related? No. You see what I'm saying? So where does it come from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, how do you create this aggression? See it? So are you exercising? Uh, no. Are you having positive thoughts? No. Are you loving yourself every day and loving others? Uh, no. Well, you're more likely to become aggressive. Oh wow. You see your body, your mind, your heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, of course, of course. That's how we say I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. What do you mean? Man, for us, mating, mating, mating to us is love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so a lot of times we just want to express our love to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of behavioral issues? I love the trust. I love the calmness. She trusts you. She's very social. Well what makes you social is that you also very respectful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Uh, uh, so, so anti-social people are disrespectful. Such. Yeah. So you have to have the three, the trust, the respect, the love, and then you can call yourself social.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're going to approach things in a calm way. You're going to keep distance because you're going to be able to assess and evaluate how that person feels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, you have that ability. Yeah, so if the person needs affection, then you provide affection. If the person needs to be listened to, then you provide a hearing. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, so it's the trust, the respect and the love is what makes you social.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Capitalism. Yeaah. Listen, some dogs do need a stroller. Yes, that's what I'm saying, yeaah. Some dogs do need wheels, it's a lot of dogs with a handicap. So yeaah, it's just, ehm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sometimes people just want to feel their emptiness, like empty nesters. They do that a lot. I'm going to be doing that. They do that a lot. So, you know, in, in Taiwan, you see that a lot. They do it for the heat and they do it for the rain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not possible. No, you do that to the dogs who are actually born to do protection direction. Okay. So those are the ones that are born to be in the front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you have a front of the pack and then those can be what people call guard dog, police dog, military dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. This is, this is monkey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a Belgian Malinois. See, this guy right here, so this guy can do tricks, okay? Now, Belgian Malinois are actually, that's right, you know how many people say, I wish my husband can do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for those of you just listening. This is a working type read, you know what I mean? So this is like the new German shepherd of the military world. Okay. Yeah. So this, this guy's, uh, the mind just wants to do something, jump, whatever, whatever it is. So to them, this is okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The breed, you know, like border collies, you know, so a lot of people say, well, border collies are the smartest breed in the world. The reason why you can train border collies easier is because they were bred to look in for the sheep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh-huh. You see it? So, so you can't train people that are not looking at you. Right. You see it? You can train me if I look at you. Right. So if you have a breed that is already staring at you because it's not cheap, then you can do whatever you want. Interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we have to rewind the tape, you know, because everybody wants to, uh, correct the dog. Yes. But to me it's more, let's correct the human. Uh huh. You know, so the right thing to do is let the dog fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, and don't give water after 6pm. So the bladder is empty and the stomach is empty. So that way when you give the food the next day and water the next day, you know that 5 to 30 minutes later you have to take them to the place that you want them to use the bathroom. Okay. Good. That's what makes them disciplined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what makes them understand, so as soon as I finish eating, the human wants me to go and release myself here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if a dog, and nobody's supervising or nobody's guiding the dog, you have to go. Yes. You know, you gotta go. Yeah. So that's not the fault, that's not the fault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To use the bathroom at a certain time. You know what I'm saying? People that do sports, they have to drink water. People that do marathons, they don't just drink water all the time. So you have to train your bladder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you have to change your, yeaah, you have to change your jest system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You seem incredible. I mean, Omar had a dog named, um, Jumpy, and my son Calvin had a show called, um, Mutton Stuff. And that dog was, I mean, that dog was, he was able to write his name. What? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a, with a, with a, with a painting thing, you know, it's just, his name Jumpy, he will put the whole, the J, the U. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I've never seen it in my life. I don't train dogs. Right, right, right. I rehabilitate dogs, you know, so this thing is like, it's incredible to me. I wanted to be a dog trainer, that's why I came to America, but I saw the opportunity of rehabilitating dogs and training people, so I just focus on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you start going like, I'm just going to observe this dog for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not for a while. I mean, it's very obvious. There's only three things where a dog will become unstable. Lack of exercise, lack of mental stimulation, lack of affection. But in America, the dog never lacks an affection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. You know, most of the people, the circle they have is affection, affection, affection. Interesting. You know, so body, mind, heart. But people just do heart, heart, heart, heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, a treat is your affection at the right time. Right. You know what I'm saying? A treat is opening the door, that's a treat. You know, food is a treat, water is a treat, resting with them is a treat. Everything is a treat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So what happens with tree trainers, they don't, they don't tell you all, everything. You know, environment is a tree, yourself is a tree, your energy can be a tree or not a good tree, your timing can be bad too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see what I'm saying? So the tools doesn't change the behavior. It's that you understand how to use it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Yes. And at the same time, at one point the dog has to learn to do it for you, for the loyalty of the family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so a lot of times is, is that they don't, they don't comprehend that, uh, how to, uh, use food as a motivation. Cause at the same time it's three type of motivation, you know, toys, food and yourself. Some dogs don't want food, they don't want toys, they just want you. So you have to learn how to use you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You hear the word social distance now because COVID. Yes. But in the animal world, that's exactly how they begin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not a wolf. Like she's not smelling the wolf's butt either. You know what I mean? Like, she's keeping hers so unruly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have rehabilitated many, many have hybrids. Hybrids. Hybrids, which is 80% wolf and 20% dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when we did the show, we, some people had, you know, had the wolves, hybrids, uhm, as pets. And listen, if you're not walking a dog, this thing has to go a longer, longer period of time walking, just for the, so they don't want to escape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what was consistent about these hybrids was they would bend any kind of fence, they would jump any kind of fence just to get out because they won't need it to travel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is three things that make humans do crazy shit, right? Yes. It's chaos when they have chaos in their life and happiness and confusion. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if it was kinky, I didn't get that feeling, but, but, uh, yes, they start behaving like a dog and sit down and doing that thing. They want to take a picture. Ah, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna tell you where, but it's just like, oh man. Do you mean Oregon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? And I said, okay, so show me what pitbull is giving you problems. All the pitbulls around there were like perfectly fine. And then the lady said, no, they didn't tell you. No, they didn't tell me what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy man, this guy would just grab kibbles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kibbles, right? And he will spit it in front of the pits so they don't look at the kibble. So all these spits that were against the wall and he would just walk around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that dog lived happily ever after. Thank god. And, and he was intimidating the pipples. That's what he did for a living. Really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they couldn't deal with it. These people were able to deal with the pits and the whole thing, but with Diablo they couldn't, they would get bitten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it kind of a thrill though to get the Oprah call? It seems like most people would kind of. The thing is when, when I saw Oprah for the first time and I was in England with California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, uh, uh, she was talking about, uh, a segment about how to say no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because in the Latino community, you don't learn how to say no, you always say yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? So people can come at any time and you can't say no. In America, they have to sketch you. You have to sketch people to come and see you, you know? Nobody can just come and knock on the door. The Latinos, you can't say no. So when she did that segment, I said, oh man, that feels so good to say no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I say, you know, one day I'm gonna go meet her, cause I need to give her back, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I saw her with her dog Sophie, you know, uh, in a previous episode and said she has a problem with the dog so one day I'm going to be able to help her because I want to pay her back. You know, pay it forward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so years later, I was invited to, to help Oprah with Sophie. Sophie was 11 at that time. For 11 years, Sophie has been aggressive to other dogs to the point that she had to keep her golden retriever separate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, some people when they have like three, four, five dogs, they have like a maximum security type of household. So they have to bring, you know, dogs at a certain time. So that's exactly how she was living.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, Oprah is a perfect example for a lot of women when you see a confident woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? So she was always calm, she was always confident. But when she was around her dog, she was, she became fearful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Sophie will feel this energy and become protective of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So instead of seeing it from an instinctual, intellectual point of view, she will look at it from an emotional point of view. You know what I mean? So you really had to get Oprah to change her behavior. Yeaah, yeaah. We did an episode on that. So I have to let her know that in the human world, she was a pack leader. In the animal world, she was not the pack leader. Then Stedman just went back like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just told that to Oprah as like, wow. Yeah. And it was, did, did she? She just made the correlation about calm, confident. Yes. You know, so the only reason all these people follow her is because her energy is calm, confident, love and joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's at a time for it. It's a time for it. Yeah. So I said calm, confident, love, joy. So the baby talk is at the end. Okay. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah. At the end. So never, never do the baby talk when the dog is at a level 10 of physical energy and is bored out of his mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not going to elevate him to the point that he becomes hyperactive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because a lot of dogs, when people are too excited, they pee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see what I mean? There's a lot of dogs that if you move too fast, they also pee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see it? So that's just telling, listen, what you're doing is making me feel this way to the point that I can't control my bladder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that all about? That's a message. That means you put her too soon in the bed. Because you have to train the bladder. Remember, when a dog is with their mom, the mom cleans the pee in the poop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then slowly the mom pushes them outside so they learn to use the bathroom outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they don't, they don't know how to wait four hours in the beginning. You know, the much, the max they can hold is two hours. That's why, you know, when, when the dog is getting trained.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the bladder, when you train the bladder, it's best for the puppy not to come and sleep with you right away. And most people, when they get a puppy, as soon as they get a puppy, they want to sleep with them. You know what I mean? But then the bladder is not trained, so it's more likely for the puppy to have a mistake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I used to have 65. So even back then I used to cook. I love, see what I love about the cooking part is after, you know, after the exercise that we do, they're freaking hungry. Okay. So then they know the certain, certain smells are for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And so then they, they come to the kitchen and they make them, you know, wait at a distance and the practice comes as some cooking. So it's a very Italian, you know, uh, preparation. So it's very, to me, it's a very romantic thing. Yeah, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, liver and anything that is internal. Internal. Yeaah. I cut some chicken feed and stuff like that. Wow. Yeaah, like real stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when it comes to dogs, I'm not regular, you're right. But I like to do everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is strange to be with Cesar Millan. I know. Listen, she got pregnant and that was it. That was it. I knew it. I love Andre. I was going to ask about the first wife. It was incompatible. Yeaah. It was just horny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't speak English, I was building a business and I was a dad, so I would take my kids with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. 65 dogs, I have to make sure. 65. 65 dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so I will bring the dogs home, so I will walk, I will work from 5am, 5am to 11pm every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so seven days a week, 5am to 11pm, that's how I build this thing. And so when I get home, I will bring the most aggressive ones, uh, that I was working with, that I was rehabilitating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Inside the apartment. This one bedroom apartment. And then the other ones were staying in the van.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're much, you know, middle of the pack, back of the pack. They can just pile up, but the guys who need a supervision, then they have to come with me. So, and then I will go to, I will go to sleep at 12, wake up at five, kiss my dad. But that's like years and years, way before dog whisper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The show came about because LA Times followed me around, you know, and there's a Mexican guy from South Central to Inglewood that walks all these dogs off leash. So they used to call me the Mexican guy who can walk a pack of dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so, so the LA Times, you know, uh, uh, one day, you know, say, we're looking for this guy. So they found me and I'm walking and, and, uh, and the lady said, I would like to follow you around for three days, everything you do from the moment you wake up. So at the end of the conversation, uh, she asked me, so what would you do? What would you like to do next? And I said, I would like to have a TV show, a radio show, you know, and, uh, because I want to teach what I know to people. So she wrote it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the newspaper came on a Sunday, but Monday was a line of producers outside. Wow. In South Central. What is this show about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's beautiful, I mean, she did an amazing piece. She did an amazing, amazing piece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeah, you know, you don't understand, you know, not everybody, uh, leads by the motor code. And so, so in, uh, you were right to think that though. Yeah. Smart. Of course. Yeah. So, um, yeah, so didn't happen. Good. Good for you. Eventually will happen, but I'm okay right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See the thing is, the reason why I learned to do that, besides, you know, obviously I watch them and I imitate them and all of that, uh, is because people were not able to see them in their dogs. You see it? So, and then I will imitate what the dog is doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the dog is going to tell you the truth. The human is going to tell you the story. The human is going to tell you, I read all your books. I watch all your shows. I already hired all these people and my dog's still not listening. Right. So they still think it's the dog. Right. So if you, if you know, when people actually do what I say, they will never blame the dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That will take responsibility of their energy, their activities and their habits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, surprise. Yeah. 10 new episodes. 10 new episodes. Uh, yeah, we put in the pack together. Nice. Not you. So we're going back and, and there's a lot of new, a lot of new stuff that we're doing. My kids are 25 and 21, so I'm putting the pack. When I started it was just me. Sorry. Now I have a pack. Where does it air?


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[Assistant] You have to use your body. That's right. It really works. That's the thing. But the thing is this charges you. This points the direction where the energy goes. And then this attracts the ears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's, it's you turning yourself on, yeaah, in a good way. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the hay, the hay what it means to the brain is snap out of it, pay attention to me. And then the conversation is energy body language. That's right. And then you make it more animal like. So it's easier for the, for the brain to go to surrender. You don't want the fight flight avoidance. So when you use too many words, you can actually send the human to fight flight avoidance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you use very little words, you can send a human to surrender. Right. Surrender means the mind open and paying attention to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. And then they go into a five flight avoidance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what control instincts energy. So what's the outcome that you're looking for that surrender of what don't use the wrong energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Calm, confident, love, joy. Yeah. Yeah. Calm first. Confidence is direction. Love is because they're doing it. And joy is because everybody's in tune again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You only need four energies to live in this, in this world. For calmness, confidence, love and joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything outside, you don't. Because if you have other energies, your life is gonna be chaotic and happy and confused. So nobody wants those three things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's a different way of thinking. Yes. It's a different way, more respectful, more affectionate, where you focus on the confidence of things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are my boobs. And yes, she knows what I do for a living. In fact, she's actually my personal assistant. Yes I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. Please continue to watch more. You can see all these were my hands gesturing. You can click on those. And please subscribe if you have not yet. Hit the subscribe button and then we'll get your money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If someone cuts me off in traffic, I'm not the type to just yell at them or flick them off and just let them go on. No, no, no. No. I will follow you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is America, you dumb son of a bitch. This is America, you stupid fuck.


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[Assistant] You know, like it would take a few months, we do the week, you know, the at-risk people first, and then the other people, I don't know how the fuck it works, but then everyone starts getting it maybe April or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's good, there's like a buffering period where the vaccines happen and then we're all, and then things are opening and the buh buh buh, but once, like six months in.


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[Assistant] Right underneath the bell clip, if you look, there's a number right there, two and a half inches. That number represents the face from here to here, the width of that tape measure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up guys? If you come to my girlfriend, I will beat you up. If a girl comes to me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think not showing my face and maybe- You do the mask then too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it would, I think it would be pretty, pretty niche things. I don't know what that niche thing would be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know what? That's nice and easy. Uh, having Dom spit in my mouth and throw up all over them. I think I'd do really well. Yeah, you would do it. Yeah. Like I don't think that would make me puke, but I could learn how to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that right? Yeah, you get ad-free episodes of your mom's house. You'll get them a little bit earlier than they're released publicly.


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[Assistant] This is going to be the top link in the description. You just click that and it'll take you to the channel memberships page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or if you look right next to the subscribe button, there's gonna be a join button. That will take you to channel memberships.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I don't know. No offense to him, I mean, that's where we started. But Jesus Christ.


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[Assistant] Well yea, that was fun to discover, right? Because we didn't even really know what podcasting was. We surely didn't see it going this far. No. We had no idea our business would become amateur radio shows.


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[Assistant] I'm swimming laps in an indoor pool in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.


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[Assistant] That was me. I'm gonna be hungover on, overtopped the Pacific Ocean tonight. I'm in the, I'm in the, the top by the way. Top tier.


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[Assistant] I've been on the east coast since March two years ago.


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[Assistant] Y'all remember when my car got wrecked and I just said, well, I'm not buying a new car. Like I fucking hate driving here. I'm from a small town in Maryland. It's always alien to me. It's always weird to me to drive, to drive in this kind of traffic. And your brain can't compute it. Your brain is just going, why are we sitting in traffic? We should be walking.


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[Assistant] It drives me a little nuts. I have a feeling I'll end up back here at one point. I'd like to be ASPAC officially. Hollywood. If you don't mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. So you've been swimming in Williamsburg? I've been swimming, podcasting. I got a new podcast and an old podcast. You have two now. Uh, Roadheads, uh, that me and Louis Katz do. It's about travel, which I'll have all kinds of new stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In two weeks? Going to two new countries? A whole new continent? Crazy.


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[Assistant] First of all, this is three strikes for you, unfortunately. And also, like, I fell for your shit this morning. I was checking my Twitter with the sound off, and I saw the heartbreak, and I saw the sad little Tommy face, and I'm like, oh, I guess we're not going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you are gonna cancel it, you should bagoboss it. Like, heeeeh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I almost knocked on wood, but it's an evening flight tonight. Uh, no, I've never, the worst I ever, the latest I ever was to a flight, cause I get there seven hours early. Cause I have one job in this business, be there on time. And then a secondary, second job, do your time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The latest I was was when me and you worked in Charlotte, and that guy bullshitted me, and I knew he was bullshittin' me, he said he was, they, they, they,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had some guy, some like waiter or something, they're like, you're gonna drive Matt to the airport. And you can tell he didn't want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the fucking manager didn't want to even coordinate it. He was like, you know, people who work in comedy clubs don't like waking up at 7am, Matt. And I'm like, people that do comedy don't like waking up at 7am. I go, don't worry about it. I'll take an Uber. He's like, nah, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll do it for ya. I'll coordinate it for ya. And you can tell the waiter, he picked us up to drive us to the club. You can tell he didn't want to do it. And the guy bullshitted me up to the last minute. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm on my way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's five minutes late. He's ten minutes late. I'm on my way. I'm in traffic. I'm on my way. And then I had to get an Uber last minute in Charlotte, North Carolina. It's not like Los Angeles!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's 8 million out of work actors driving Ubers.


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[Assistant] And I just barely fucking made it there. That's the only time I- And that dude just did you go like, don't even sweat it man, I'm in an Uber now. No, there was no don't even sweat it about it. It was like, you fucked me, and I let the club know he fucked me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, not to really screw that guy over, just more like tate to the manager, like hey, dickhead.


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[Assistant] Don't tell me if you can't do it. I have an Uber app. I live in the 21st century.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'll give him that, but everybody under him can suck my dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's less, that's less your fault though. So it doesn't feel as bad. When I worked with Tom one time in Nyack, New York, we left at, um, it was a red eye and we were supposed to go to Columbus, Ohio for a connecting flight and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody else was fine, even though we were supposed to go to Columbus. Oh no. And I spent the rest of the day trying, I missed the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I left at midnight to make an 8 o'clock show and he used codes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they have that ability. Yeah, they do. I stated, uh, I try to fly standby out of O'Hara one time in July. Eric, Eric Wendell from my podcast, my movie reviewer, he used to work at United Airlines and so he had companion passes. And so you could fly standby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it just did not work. I watched 30 flights take off without me. Uh, and I just, I spent the night there and I finally, this is before, shit all you want on the iPhone and the modern technology. I had, I was so broke. I had to get a cab out to Chicago to deposit a check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like saying to the cab driver, I'm like, listen, I'm surprised he even went for it. I'm like, I can pay you when we get to the bank, but it's going to take like, you know, 10 minutes for me to deposit the check. And then, so I had to go into Chicago and also he was trying to, he was trying to school me. So we're passing Bank of America's on the, um, on the highway. I'm like, there's one. He's like, no, I'm going to the one I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is his biggest moment, no offense, in his art career. And, like, now it's the biggest moment in his life. He's the guy that cried because he wasn't a gang member. And now he's gotta join a gang just to prove that he's tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're wondering what we're up to overseas, it's sitting in a small green room and he's Be Real and I'm Send Dogg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be awesome. It would be great. I'm a born hype man. Remember when I used to hype man my own jokes? Yeaah. Like this is what I'm born to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm the joke sniper. I should just be there every once in a while. I shouldn't be doing the whole fucking, I should just be the side guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so sad to me. That's so sad to me. I feel bad for the guy. They're just kids. It's true. Even when they're, even when they're 20. I mean to me that's a kid now. Oh yea, of course it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get yelled at at school all day long, then you go to fucking practice afterwards and you get yelled at, spits flying out of the goddamn coach's mouth, and then he tries to act like he's a good guy in math class the next day. Fuck you man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, is this the level of comprehension I'm gonna have this week? Cause I don't know what the fuck he's saying. I just know he's angry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, I remember one time I was on the swim team and uh, my coach was actually bitching us all out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I didn't understand the rhetorical question. I was too young, I was like 8. He goes, does anybody have a problem with that? And I'm like...


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[Assistant] They still wanna shop at the grocery store for their meat, but they gotta do this bullshit on the side.


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[Assistant] I like when she's like, it's important to get on your knees. It's important not to fucking show up at this location.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, no thank you. You think they got toothpaste in that forest?


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[Assistant] Who's he talking to? Carrie! That's just a regular civilian? I think she puts out videos. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will be. That's like five minutes tops. He's talking about how he's new at it all night, you know. Wanking his cock. Wanking. You think they'll use the word wanker in Australia? No, I don't know. That's a great term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how often I do a comedy set and I go, wow, I really shouldn't have said that. And I'm embarrassed. And I'm like, even though it was my job to figure out what's funny and everything, these motherfuckers just committing it to tape and sending it out there for your mom's house podcast. It's fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole courting system is based on the idea of avoiding, avoiding that moment. Like, I'm gonna show you all this shit about me that's not my dick. At a certain point I expect you to enjoy my dick, you know, even though it's a dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's inviting only because of intention. Men can appreciate intention, but that doesn't mean they just want like some isolated vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's such a weird equation, it's like this doesn't work in real life. It doesn't work. I'm going to amplify it times a million.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. This is my actual desire. This is my actual dream. This must connect with some person. It doesn't. You must conceal your real thoughts to survive in this world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. That's pretty amateur for this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was expecting a shit or something. Yeah. Sweatpants though, that's a nice touch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're already failing in life, and then you're gonna videotape yourself farting. And not even the right way. You're gonna do it straight up, straight down, on the iPhone, and then you're gonna put it on the internet. That's your fucking day. That is so sad, man. I wouldn't even do that when no one was watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you don't have to put this out today. People are not demanding this. Alright, you don't have a contract with Hulu. Fucking take your time. Get the good one. Wait for your pin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To me it's funny cause like, I haven't been on the show in like two years, so it's like you finally are down to this video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he doesn't get accepted as the farter because his farts suck and now he's angry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. I mean, say you finally find the girl you love. 15 years later. And their family goes through your fucking Google search. And here you are, with your shitty tattoo, that is now just like a black band, that you've like over fucking done, and you're talking so much shit about women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the first jokes I ever wrote for stand up was I was gonna get an M on each butt cheek, so when I spent over it said mom. And perfect for you guys actually. And I thought it was like one of the worst dumbest jokes after only a year went by. And then I read George Carlin's book and he made the same joke. What? He did? Yea, so it wasn't that dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it, I got it. Tom, you get the same exact tramp stamp on your lower back so that you guys are together, synced together. Then you get removed together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know, for the sake of the podcast, a joke tattoo is great, but uh, in terms of like, the life you're gonna live, like a joke tattoo is just so sad, because jokes get old, as we know. Everyone does it. And there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you got this free tattoo artist. You should become a tattoo guy and your whole body should be the inside jokes from this podcast. And that'll be the testament to a good bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too bad there's no DVDs anymore, you could have DVD extras.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if their Twinkie's not hot, I'm not whipping out nothing. I don't do meth anyways, but uh...


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[Assistant] Desías tener unos pechos más grandes y firmes? ¿La ropa no te sienta tan bien como te gustaría? ¿Estás desanimada después de haber probado distintos tratamientos sin conseguir resultados? Conseguir un pecho más grande de forma natural, sin tener que gastar una fortuna o pasar por el quirófano, no era fácil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pero ahora podrás conseguir estos ansiados resultados gracias a Elaks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said to Leanne one time, I was buzzed in the car, and I went, oh my god, I think I just figured it out. She goes, what? And I said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't, what if they just made kiddie porn legal? And that way all these guys that want to fuck kids, they can just have stuff that they can jerk off to and they don't have to fuck kids. And she goes, yeah, except for the kids that are getting fucked in the kiddie porn. And I went, yeah, I didn't think that through. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah I do, but what was I wanting to say before that? Oh. You were saying.


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[Assistant] He goes, yeaah, he does it all the time. He did it at a meet and greet one time and it got uncomfortable. Cause they didn't know he was my bus driver, he was just standing there and he's like, can't believe you guys are waiting in line to shake hands with a fucking racist. And they're just sitting there like, wait, is he really racist? And I was like, guys this is a joke, and they're like, it doesn't sound like one.


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[Assistant] Uh, you know what it is? What do you want to eat? Walk us through that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have my lunch, I, I, I, every time I go, I'm gonna eat healthy, I'm gonna eat healthy. And then I get there and I go, oh come on man, you're gonna go work out today, get a little something you like. Don't, don't kill yourself, cause if I kill myself then I'm gonna, the wheels will come off at two in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. And so I've been eating a lot of burgers lately. And then at night I'll try to eat something healthy. It's weird, I'm not really hungry at night. Like I don't get hungry at night. Like when we get off stage, everyone kind of has already eaten a little bit. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you told me. I ordered 12 pizzas and 9 bottles of wine. Wait. Hold on, the bus wasn't totally stocked. It was like our first stop. Oh, right. And we got there and we were like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I'm Burke Reicher, Andrew is my cousin, cousin Andrew. He does all my social media, he brings a video with me. He shot the video of us going down the mountain in the cardboard sled this week, did you see that? It was fun as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Parfait is my tour manager. He's like, uh, does all the gets there, does the sound and check the lighting, gives them the load in music, does the, uh, merch. That's Parfait. We call him Parfait because he was the one that convinced us to go to McDonald's and we all ordered, ordered like shit and he ordered a Parfait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Dave Williamson, he is a comic based out of Miami, lives in LA but from Miami, and he smokes meat every night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a smoker we travel with. War Eagle, he's an Auburn guy. Yeah, War Eagle, yeah. And so he's got a podcast called Meet Dave. He's gonna love that I gave him a shout out about there. Yeah. But he, every night, it's really amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, at least two ten. Yea, at least two ten. That's kinda tag team and it's good because, you know, it kinda sucks, especially in our shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The loading takes forever. I mean, you start the show at seven, but people aren't sitting down until seven thirty. And so as opposed to one person taking a bullet, they each take turns and they each get a good spot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in DC, but usually not, everyone just sleeps on the bus. Man, it's like everything I ever dreamed about in stand-up is so much fucking fun. And then the great thing is there are all three great comics, so you're workshopping, like I had a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still film four. I will film seven the next time. Really? I, it is so much easier. Four shows was perfect. I mean we did the first show, was not that great. First show was not that great. And we're like, great, get in on the second show, if not we got another night of filming. Do the next show, there's a fucking mustard stain on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the next two shows were awesome, but it was so great. It was like 50 grand more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god damn it. I got excited for a fucking second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what's crazy? I had a joke in there, that uhm, this is how savage the internet is. I had a joke in there, in the trailer, the real trailer, where I said, uh, I wanna have sex with Leanne, but she was sick. She said, I don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she goes, uh, she goes, I don't wanna get you sick. I was like, practice safe sex. She's like, you're gonna wear a condom? I was like, no. Doggy style, so you cough into the wall. Right? The next day it's memed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did? That's great though. No, no, no, no, no. He posted, they meme it so that I'm taken out of it, and they do coronavirus. Uh, unsafe sex, and it's missionary, and then they're like safe sex, and she's coughing into the wall. And I was like, motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, tag me. Give me some credit, 50 cent. And that's what pisses me off, is we and you have talked about this. I'm such a fucking fan of his. I know. I'm such a fan of his and I thought he was so funny, and then when I see that I'm like, he's just got a social media team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For years, I've said to Leanne, why, she's like, wanted to lose weight. I go, why don't I get you a personal trainer? She's like, no. I go, why don't you go to spin class with me? She goes, no. I go, why don't you go to boot camp with me? No, I'm not going to boot camp. I'm not going to spin class. I'm doing it my way. I'm doing it my way. All of a sudden her friend Sandy gets a personal trainer and says, you should come in. And she's like, okay, I'm going to try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She gets a personal trainer and now she is captain exercise. She is king expert on fitness. She knows everything. As if I have never worked out a day in my life. Last night we were watching a fish called Wanda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't say anything, right? Cause I gotta keep my fucking mouth shut about her workout insights that she's gained from this fucking trainer. Isn't it the worst when like broads start acting like- Okay, alright guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not your tra- your trainer's great, your trainer. It's the fact that I'm- I'm busting my fucking a- so last time we get in bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she makes another comment. She's rubbing my belly. She goes, what is, is that just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a fat, like when you talk, I go, Hey, can we lay off me? Like, and I go, and she goes, what? And giggles. I go, I, and I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, when you, John Cleese came up, you said, with a little hard work, you can look like, he goes, that's not what I said. I go, that's fucking exactly what you said. I've been chewing that statement over my head the whole time. I go, listen, I am killing myself on the road. I am out every fucking Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I come home Monday, I leave Wednesday. I'm like, I'm busting my ass, I'm trying to work out. I go to hot spit, I like melt it down in bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what's the word if you think so, yea? She is so fucking hot right now. It's such a trade off is that you get, you have, you know, she looks amazing but you gotta deal with Jillian Michaels. Like yea, she's always giving you workout advice or, you know what you gotta do, you gotta start doing arms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta be honest with you, I can't wait till she gets fat again because I loved her fat. Like I love her body either way. It's a little more, it's fucking awesome. It looks so good. She looks amazing. She looks so good in like, in clothes. She looks great. And what's other, what's other thing that's blowing your way?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I wouldn't be shocked, I'm not even lying, I wouldn't be shocked if she does a tasteful nude photoshoot after this. Really? Because, I mean, bro, she's got like, almost got abs now. Oh wow. And she's like, I'm not even at my goal weight, my goal weight. And what's crazy is that she is working out hard as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her trainer, Mikael, is actually legit. Whatever he has done. I mean, they have like, hmm, spiritual conversations. I'm so terrified she's gonna fuck him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if he was? Is he hot? Is he Latin? He's gorgeous. No, he's not Latin. He's gorgeous. He's a little darker than Latin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, hold on. I'm gonna show you, I'm gonna show you what you just did, okay? What would my scenario be? Oh, I'd suck 20 dudes' dicks, but I'd have a mascot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll send her one right now. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here Tom, I'll send you some of my dick pics and you send them to her as yours. Wait, well let's do this. Let's take a picture of me and Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's take a picture of me and Tom's dick and we'll send you both to a group text to you and Leann and you guys gotta pick whose dick is it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go look at each other's dicks in the bathroom. Okay. And then we'll take pictures. We'll get them to look similar. We'll fluff them up so that they look alike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much are you weighing now? 239. When my hands on the wall. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck, dude? What is wrong with me? I'm thinking, you know, I'm really thinking, I'm really thinking like, we were talking about doing, uh, I was thinking about doing shape roll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you get in good shape for April. Uuuh. But. Shape roll. Shape roll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Shane Torres brought it up. But here's the thing. We gotta do the Combine soon. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shuffle ball change. Shuffle ball change? Did someone just come back from a tap dance lesson? He did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pull up the, pull up the list of things that we do on a, on a, on a combine. I, I listed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so bizarre that they did those like that. They just went like this. And when you do it like that, it's super easy. I did 50.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see if I can... Shape roll, we were saying. I like shape roll. You ready for this? You're allowed 30 drinks. Right? So you can bang it out on a weekend, but you can't drink all week. Okay. 30 drinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're allowed, uh, but you gotta go like vegan or something. Or you gotta do something crazy. I gotta take a shit soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is really Mexican. Like, dude, I tour with Jesus. Sometimes, you know, I grew up in white privilege, like pretty regular white privilege. Someone's asking me about it. I got a job. What are you winking at?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but uhm, I was saying, like I got a job in college at a law firm and they hired me and they didn't have anything for me to do. They just knew my dad. So I made coffee. So I just made coffee in a law firm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. I sat in the copy room and made coffee all day. And so, Jesus, man, his stories of his life are so fucking fascinating. One time his dad bought him, uh, bought him a brand new mountain bike and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're at the, we're eating lunch. The lady goes, okay, what do you guys have, gonna have? He goes, I'll have the fajitas. And she goes, okay, corn or flour? And he goes, oh, uh, corn tortillas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go the fucking Spanish accent when you say fajitas. Just say fajitas. Don't go fajitas. Like, hey, tampa jala, you know? And he goes, why wouldn't I say fajitas? And I go, well, you're doing it like to, you know, and he goes, no, I'm saying it the way it's pronounced. And he goes, you're actually mispronouncing it when you say fajitas. And I went, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so true. And I was like, I find it condescending as a white guy to go to even try to do an accent. Can I get some tortilla?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't, I didn't ever knew it was Los Feliz. People say Los Feliz. Bill Burr says Los Feliz and I go, easy buddy. You live there, learn how to pronounce it. And he was like, Los Feliz. Yeah, Feliz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy, then what should it be called? Los Angeles? Los Feliz! Hold on, I'm sorry. Should it be called Los Angeles? Los Angeles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, wait a minute, wait a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a better one. This kind of blew me away. Washington? Ugh. What do you call someone who sews clothes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A tailor? No, a seamstress. You should call her a sewer, but it would read sewer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this, uh, what color is this jacket there, uh, king of comedy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I bought, uh, me and Ron, me and Ron, my bus driver, are big fans of Kristy Mack, the porn star. Yeah. And we were sitting there and she's got this fans only site, and we were like... Only fans. Only fans, yeah. And we were like, we were like, what do you get for that? And he was like, it's nine bucks, just get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, and now he calls, he goes, get a big boy. And I was like, okay, so I got it. And you're like, he made me do it. And we were at a restaurant and the second we got in, it was made everyone very uncomfortable. Ron and I was just watching, looking at porn and it's, it's pretty great, man. I would sign up over another month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd, I'd do more chicks if they, I'd like that fan only. The way they do it, only, only fans or whatever. The way they do it is you buy, it's the way that you do Starbucks app. You, you buy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nine dollars worth of credits on your, on the app. And then they say, would you like to use a month? It's nine bucks. So you're not signing up and it gets repeated every month, every month, every month. You've gotta buy your credits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I, I'm not, you can't get the girls that are, the high end girls have all scrubbed their shit off the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have Dr. Drew do it in here. That would be great. With a coat hanger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wake up this, this is one of the roughest days of my life. I wake up in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go out to the treadmill to workout. They're demoing our house, right? Our house is in full demo. Uh, and I get in and I get on the phone with Tom. We were supposed to do that Funny or Die tour. You remember this? Man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Did that get cancelled? So, I'm on the phone with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had cancelled all my dates. I was going to do 12 shows. I was on all 12 shows with you. And you were like, uh, I said something about getting flights. And you're like, you're buying your own flights. And I said, yeah. And you said, I think they're covering flights. I said, not for me. And you went, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were like, wait, how much are you getting paid? And I told you and you were like, oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, wait, what are you getting paid? And you go, okay, you gotta promise this isn't gonna fuck up our friendship. And you told me and I was like, holy shit. And then later that day you called me and you go, hey man, you should also check in. I think they're canceling a bunch of dates. And I went, okay, so they, then they end up, I find out, A, I'm not getting paid any money. B, I'm fucking, they canceled all the dates that I'm on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go on a walk to kinda like get my head straight and go, that's okay, that's okay. We'll figure things out. Travel Channel calls and fires me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Leanne has scheduled a vasectomy for me. And I was like, the one thing I'm keeping is my comp. Like I'm not, I lost everything today, like the house is down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so, that's so, I wish they had to make that public so you knew what everyone was making. Cause I wonder like, uh, I'll talk to you off air, but like, some venues, you can make so much more money than other venues. Like, it'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be like three thousand people and you make X amount and then it's like twelve, eighteen hundred people and you make more than that and you're like, wait that makes no fucking sense. I wonder if it's just like union rules and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are you bringing with you? Uh, Jesus and Shane. No, Jesus and Dave. Shane's shooting a Netflix special. Or a Netflix series or something. Uh, will Dave do it? Dave won't, he's married. Jesus will, Jesus is single and he's into big bitches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who the fuck is gonna wear? I will, I swear to God, I will pay $9.99 a month to watch people fuck her like, like leather face from Texas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, that's what she puts on Twitter. What was that? Yeah, what was that? Go back to that. Who's that? Is that hers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that. I would, I'll tell you what I would like. I would like someone to, uh. That's awesome. That's awesome. No one knows that's you either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet, I bet if I did a video of just me jerking off and you couldn't see, you couldn't see my face I bet you'd still know it's me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's her name? Good morning. Oh, Sarah Tiana? No. Sarah Nicole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, cause Leann's got bigger and stayed there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a picture of you that I saw online that I can't re-find. Of you in a shower. Is that real?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, here's Christina from her road rules days and I was like, I saw that and I was like holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, by the way, I forgot to say congratulations on the Apollo local sponsorship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we can do 48 hours simple on my hands. Okay, let's do this, let's go, let's find a bet here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long do you think you could go vegetarian? Could you go one month plant based? Easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easy. Fucking. Peasy. Okay, Pescatarian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vegan's just stupid. I mean, it's just, it has nothing to do with diet. It just has to do with morals. Yeaah. It's the only reason, you don't do it for health, you do it because you love animals. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one does it for Elle. No, no, no, you've heard it here. No one does it for Elle. It's not done for Elle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I could go, I did vegan for like, I did vegan for like five days and it was fun. It was really fun because you got to, you were like, what about, it made eating interesting. You're like, what am I going to eat? You're like, I wonder if I could go to a vegan restaurant and you were trying a bunch of stuff. Um, but it's not, it's not done for health because.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vegetarianism, I think, is done for health, but veganism is just done to, cause you love animals, you don't want to hurt animals. It's more like a PETA thing. That's what I learned in being a, I was, I was a vegan for,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do it. Wait, hold on, hold on. Why am I talking like this? This is what's wrong with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do it, get this money together, I would sit for one hour and everyone that walked by put their finger in my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first person that taps out has to pay for both Andes. It has to pay for both Andes. I fucking love it. Yep. So you're gonna try to go vegan vegetarian too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and so, and so how are we just going to be on our words and whether or not we


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really like allowing eggs. I love eggs. Can we? Wait, eggs are vegetarian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you go to Tampa, I gotta go to Tampa for the tour. She goes, I'm gonna send you in a day early. Go to your dentist that did my teeth originally. She's like, you're going in and he's gonna, all the problems he's gonna take care of. Are you gonna do veneers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna talk to him and see if he might, he might want to just change out some veneers. Alright. I don't know. But now I'm like, I've been avoiding the dentist so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't go, I can't get a regular cleaning from some dentists because they're not sometimes familiar with what's going on in my mouth and they will fuck shit up. Like one time this woman just ripped the front of a, of a veneer off and I went


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seriously? And then the guy goes, we need to redo the whole mouth. And I was like, no. I was like, no, we're not redoing the whole mouth. I go, just glue it back on. And he goes, it won't stay. It's been on for eight years. Yeah. But it's black as fuck. Really? Oh yeah. Okay. Yeah. It's time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I grind my teeth, I found out that this pain in my neck and my shoulder is from grinding my teeth. If I showed you, no, I will never show you. Wait, what? If you saw it, you would go. If I saw what though? My back molars. Show me. No. They're dark?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're dark? No, they're all cracked and just because I grind so bad. Let me see. I didn't think that was what was going on. I just thought- Are you in pain all the time? I'm in constant pain on the left side of my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it was, it was that Leanne, the push was that Leanne's lady luncheon just going, let me look at those chompers. Leanne, look at these. These need to be fixed. And then Leanne was like, yeah, but why don't you fix your teeth? You have money. I'm like, just fucking shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, I wonder if I can just outlast them. She goes, what do you mean? I go, like, if I'll just die before I have to deal with them. She goes, she goes, honey, that's no way to live your life. Like, I wonder if I'll just die first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I can't wait to, I can't wait to go out to DE with me. Yeah sir, what will you have? Uhm, do you have any buckwheat? Maybe a handful of cashews or some chia seeds?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nutritional yeast? Oh my god. Great. Hey Push, go for a jog and then Tom can go down on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it doesn't list fish. Are we doing this? Yeah. Let's do it. I'll start today. I have chicken out there. I'm gonna eat the chicken. I should probably start protein-loving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's just- We're gonna get our beards- I have my beard groomed by the guy from Desus and Miro. Yeah. The guy who does their beard. Yeah. A black barber. Yeah. And it's- I fucking am obsessed with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he just showed me how to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You talk about her like she was like 350. She, by the way, I always thought she was sexy when she was overweight, obese. But like, let's, let's get her on the phone. Yeah, let's get her on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just got this new body and she's flaunting it. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking to, I'm still doing your mom's house and we're talking about your weight loss and how annoying it is, or how great you look. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hey, uh, Leanne, how much did you weigh at your heaviest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I said the other day, Tom? You know what I said? I go, this is a, I said, I feel fat. And Leanne just goes, you should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're bullshit! Hey, what were the exact words you said about when we looked at John Cleese last night? What were your exact words that you think you said?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you what I have not done is I have not shit on the kind of, uh, on your trainer who is kind of a little bit of a spiritual shaman, correct?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, you know, I feel like you're trying to change me. You want my teeth to get fixed? You want me to lose weight? Why aren't you in love with old fat yuck mouth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Someone has been just- Love it. Yeah, this is new Leanne. Shut up and dance. Get shit done. Good girl. Get it, girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now you shut up and dance and everyone's about to catch up with you because-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Cause you're, cause you're the, you're the, you're the vessel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's, it's all trainer talk, like, the trainer's like, fucking, I, dude, you know what it is? I need one too, I need one too, I'm gonna get one too. Is he like this, ayo, check this shit out right here. Oh my god. No, I don't think so, I've never met him, I've never met him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, Leanne is someone who, who said, quote unquote, these were, I don't, I don't sweat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think when you need a trainer, when you get a trainer, you need someone to change the way you look at everything. And I think this guy is really killing it. I am hesitant. Leanne wants me to go train with him and I'm hesitant because I can be a little bullheaded and I'm like, eh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's almost, imagine, imagine if like, she, like, I'm trying to think of the right way to,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine if like, you're a Scientologist and it works for you and you're like, it'll work for everybody. Okay, okay. And then you bring someone in and they're like, I think it's kind of horseshit. And they're like, well you know what? Fuck you, it works for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you if I had a beautiful hot trainer that I talked about at all. By the way, this guy is gorgeous and he's changing her and he's fixing her and like he's like making her better. I need one of these. Tom, get me one of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, speaking of which, when you leave comments on this new special, let's keep them PG because what happened on the last special is you guys all just called me the best racist in the world and then new fans would fight with you and go, guys, it's a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin', I almost lost a big boy as a fan. Really? Yeah, I posted a picture with him and everyone just was just horrible. And he was like, huh? And I was like, woah, I don't know if I can tell ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we're looking for things to do on our way through Montgomery to whatever in the store. Some guy goes, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get your pancreas checked. You have pancreatic cancer. And I was like, okay, you just bummed me out. I was like, you're blocked. I don't think you should be speaking to anybody. And I blocked him. I've been blocking a lot of people lately. You do? Yeah, I have been. Just cause I'm like, oh, I don't like the way you play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's my question. Who do you think is going to benefit more from ours being tethered together back to back weekends? Me. Yea, I know. That's what I said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're gonna be both big, but man, you're gonna get, you're just gonna be fucking, do you think you're gonna be doing arenas this year?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I'm going to be doing arenas. I did, when I did Constitution Hall, that was the closest I've ever been. By the way, it's not even that, I mean it's big, but it's not like, it's not arena big. I think it's like 39. That's big. And so. You did two there. Yeah. And so I went in and I was like, it's the first time that I had people like in stadium seating almost. Yeah. But I was like, it would be like doing, uh, the forum, but with a stage, not in the round. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, I never, my first show was like, I don't think I like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From your mouth to God's ears. I would love that. I would love to do it once just to see what it's like and have that experience. Watching Sebastian do it, it was such a cool experience. I would love for you to do the Forum in the Round. I would love to be there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but like the problem is with me with like this run I'm doing through Huntsville, they're all sold out. It's just one show, but they're not like huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The men in that area aren't big, uh, Instagram guys, they're not like huge podcast guys. They're just like comedy fans. Sure, we feel like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, episode two of piss spots on a random road. I'm pulling my dick out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do what we normally do, we'll pour it out. Oh, actually, you wanna see the surroundings? Oh, shit. That's the surroundings, let's pour it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This bot, the uh, 102, break, breakdown lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had night time, you got lights on, I don't think it'd be a good piss spot. Hold on. Let me zip up. Let me zip up. There we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, seven, seven to eight. Ah, piss bottles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a perfect segue to this clip. Are you ready? I'm ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Uh oh, what do you got for sleep? Don't do drugs, kids. You got some, Tom's concocting something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, gross. I like this. How old is your new mom? I like this a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am so sad. I have no one to be gay with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am so sad, I have no one to be gay with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I have a long history of constipation and whatnot and I've had to get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stuff removed out of me from the hospital, it's gotten so bad. But I'll tell you what, cigarettes have laxatives in them. And it seems like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I smoke a cigarette, I have to take a shit. And I'ma tell you what, man. Taking a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a relaxing experience. No wonder people got so much fucking toilet paper because when you're lonely, you're in awe. God dammit, I dropped my cigarette. I'm just happy you take a shit. I'm happy to get that crap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out of my butt hole. Thank you cigarettes and laxatives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see what she said here. Oh crap. Who is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, fuck me in the ass motherfucker. I need me a line of white girl. Fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm here fuckin' masturbatin' and I fuckin', woooo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you can come so fucking quick. I guarantee fucking see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup and mattress removal. Go to satva.com and get your mattress right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I am obsessed. I admit it, I don't go anywhere without


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My whoop. It's true. Right now I have the battery pack on it charging. The charge lasts for like five days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty remarkable when you consider, uh, the charge last of a lot of products you use. The whoop is designed to track everything. 24-7 physiological data collected to help you analyze your whole, your most important, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It analyzes how much you sleep, how much sleep you need, recovery, how much activity strain you put on yourself. It's fascinating. It breaks it down. You can see all the data. You can go back and look at days when you're like, Oh, I went for that run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For our listeners, whoop is offering 15% off when you use the code yourmom at checkout. Go to whoop.com, that's w h o o p dot com. Use the code yourmom, y o u r m o m at checkout and save 15% off your order. Unlock your best self today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, uncle Terry, like he was kind of the star of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way that he looks into the camera as he orgasms all the time is really, really fun. Really nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and we should say the song is by, uh, Obi-Wan Kenoli and Young Patrion and then the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The video was cut by a guy, he goes by the Comedy Curator. And he has on Instagram and he's got the YouTube channel. He's the one who made, he made a Fed Smoker video tribute that I posted on my Instagram. It is phenomenal. It's also on, uh, his YouTube page, but he cut that video together, which is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. That guy, I remember, he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You start doing crowd work and then you start talking to somebody and you're like, you're not really putting much together, are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I threw a premise at a guy and then he was like, nah, that's not true. And I was like, no, I don't think you're following what I'm saying. And then I laid out for him. I did like a whole bit to support the premise. And at the end I was like, now do you get it? He was like, no. I was like, god damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Under the average intelligence quotient. I think of two people when I think of like being clear with premises.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One is, uh, now he's in prison, but Bill Cosby, I looked up to the heavens. Yeah, the prison in the sky. He, he used to make that point that you gotta, gotta simplify things for, for audiences. And then, who I think of the most is Chris Rock. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You always repeat the premise and people would attribute it to being stylistic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you realize, like especially if you do stand up, you're like, oh, he's just making it clear. This is what we're going to tell jokes about. Yes, reminding the audience. Used to pay for shit that used to be free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. Sure. Well it'd be funny if we had Nadav request


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were to like chastise him.


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[Assistant] Alright, let's uh, let's start the show. You ready? Let's get into it.


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[Assistant] That might be one of my favorite opening clips ever. We found a baby out here, man.


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[Assistant] I mean, he just had to spit. What are you gonna do? He had to spit.


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[Assistant] My fucking 18 month old is out on the highway.


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[Assistant] I know. That actually gives you like such a good, a good feeling though about humanity. Of course. These guys are like young dudes rolling around and they see a baby and they spend their time taking care of a baby. She didn't even thank them. No, she was like, ehhh.


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[Assistant] Amazing. And startling that that's a mother's response to her baby on the highway in a stranger's hands with police there. And she's like, is that it? You would have to fuck.


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[Assistant] This was a, uh, the TikTok that you curated, and uh, I mean, I played it for Drew, uhm, it was on Instagram, people were commenting on it because it was on the episode and everybody was


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[Assistant] Everybody was weighing in on whether this was authentic or whether this was somebody who was pretending to be excited. Just to give you a background, here it is.


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[Assistant] Everybody, this is the clip and this is what people were weighing in on. They were saying like, oh, I don't believe that it's sincere. Like this is made in a vindictive, sarcastic way. And then some people were saying, well, I mean, that was the opinion.


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[Assistant] Uh, then some people were saying like, uh, you know, this is delusion, um, you can't possibly be this happy. And then some people were saying like, I guess this really is that NRE, that new relationship energy that she's speaking of in the poly world. Well, it turns out her,


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[Assistant] Boyfriend or husband. Husband. I think she says, she says, uhm, husband, but in this title here it says GF, so I don't know, whatever, they're poly, you know. They're together. They're together. Uh, apparently he got wind of us talking about this video, and he made his own video.


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[Assistant] I'm getting Garth vibes. So to be clear, he said my girlfriend, her husband, blah, blah, blah. So this is not that girl's husband. Right. So maybe this is just one of her boyfriends. One of her boyfriends. That's right. It gets a little confusing.


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[Assistant] But let me just be clear. This guy is not the husband that she is speaking of in her video that she's so thrilled for. This is a boy, a separate guy, a boyfriend of hers. It gets confusing. That's what it's like to be Polly. There's so many people. So.


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[Assistant] He's fine. He's definitely, you know, he's, uh...


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[Assistant] You're probably gonna be people to know. I need to be fucked a lot, man. So, I get it. I get it, man. It's very cool. No, he seems like a nice guy.


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[Assistant] For only the biggest announcements do we reserve cat eating kilbs. And this is gonna blow some minds right now. I know it, it blew minds Saturday night in Spokane and that was just in a room. And here, are you ready?


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[Assistant] I think I'm allowed to be just a regular citizen.


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[Assistant] And like just, like I always had been before, just have, you know, products from both brands. I got into a, a totally delusional state of mind for the last couple of years. You said you didn't even know this.


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[Assistant] Let's walk through, just to like set up the whole story. Sure. So, I do a bit at the end of Disgraceful, towards the end of Disgraceful, about talking to Nike about free shit. And then they basically were like, well I wanted to buy stuff at their store and they told me I couldn't buy stuff at the store because I was a person of influence.


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[Assistant] And I put, I did this, I did the bit in a special, and then of course, uh, I was like, fuck you, Adidas, anyway. Then Adidas reached out.


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[Assistant] And they gave me a bunch of shit, right? They sent me a ton of shoes and clothes, which was really cool. And I appreciate it. And then of course I did the right thing and like, not only wore it, but uhm, you know, I would post it and everything. Anyways, then like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then like my closet's getting full, I have to donate, so I just donate all my Nikes.


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[Assistant] Well, it wasn't in one moment. That's the thing. It's like, I'm even now I'm summarizing things. It's like a slow thing, right? Then like guys would, uh, like they would give me shoes, you know, like people would be like, Hey, I, um, like that guy who motion, I forget his name.


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[Assistant] Uhm, he painted a pair of shoes for me. Uh, that's a different guy. But uhm,


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[Assistant] This guy just like, he goes, I know that you hate Nike, so I painted these for you. And I was like, right.


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[Assistant] So, it would just constantly drive that narrative in my head, uhm, that, uh, that like, I'm on a deal, like, I don't have a contract, you know what I mean? They just gave me some stuff, which was really nice. So anyways, I realized I slowly, like, one time I was at a hotel gym, and I just had on a Nike, uhm, like a workout shirt.


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[Assistant] And a guy was like, hey, what are you doing wearing Nike? Shut up. He was like, I thought you were Adidas guy. I was like, I don't, it's just like a t-shirt to work out in. And he was like, huh, that's what.


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[Assistant] Thank you very much everybody that came to the shows. I had a blast. It was really fun. Uh, the day before was in Tempe and thank you to those people doing the Spanish show, but we're in Spokane. We're killing time. Jeff Tate and I.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, I'm going with Jeff. It'd be like if you were buying makeup, I'd be like, I guess that's what chicks do, you know? So I walk in there.


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[Assistant] And I realized it's kind of like a factory. It's like a factory outlet kind of store. You know, it's not Nike town. It's like one of those anyway.


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[Assistant] So we're seeing, we're like, oh, do you have Jordans? He's like, do you have any Jordans? And the guy says, uh, oh, we just got the retro threes yesterday. Like, and we have them in the back. They're not even out on the floor. He goes, do you want to see them? And, um, I go, yeah. He goes, what size are you? So he's asking me now. And I go, you know, 10 and a half. And he goes, okay.


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[Assistant] And he comes out, yeah, that right there. So he comes out with them and he goes, oh yeah, we have them in your size. And I just look at them and I go, I'll take them. And I felt a rush inside.


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[Assistant] And then I boxed them up and I took them back and I wore them to the show. And as soon as I walked out of the green room, like I'm waiting in the corner to get introduced, one of my friends was there with his wife and he goes


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[Assistant] This is what's gonna make you laugh. So I have that thought, what you're talking about. Like, I'm allowed to do this. So I sit on the plane on the way out of Spokane and I start buying shoes.


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[Assistant] Like on the store, on the, on the, on their online store. And I'm like, this feels good, this feels right.


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[Assistant] And I, I place my order and then I get home and I just, it's just funny, but like, read, uh, read this sentence. This is the email I get. I just thought it was funny.


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[Assistant] So I had to call them this morning. Hilarious. And they were like, yeah, uhm, we just have to like double check this. Hilarious.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so anyways, I mean, yeah, I mean, it did bring me joy. I have them on today.


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[Assistant] And now, then you go like, you, then you realize that, oh, what? Like everything's fine.


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[Assistant] So ridiculous. I feel, I feel ridiculous. But now I feel much better. Like having said it out loud and having bought a pair of shoes.


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[Assistant] And I, you know, I'm not, uhm, leaning, I'm just, like I said, just buying whatever I want, right? Yeaah. Like there's no...


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[Assistant] There it is. Which one should I get?


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[Assistant] Well I like that they modeled it on a mannequin as opposed to a person on the first two. Like have a person wear it. Look at that guy. That's awesome.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's how you use the chill though. Before I forget, do me a favor.


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[Assistant] Pull up my YouTube channel so I can just lay this out clearly before I'm gonna totally forget to do this. Uhm, you guys, everybody has asked me about this. We have been doing Spanish episodes and people in the first episodes were like, where are the subtitles?


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[Assistant] So episode five, the one with my mom, we did a whole episode together. The subtitles are burned in to the video, right? You see the English subtitles. A lot of people complained about the font and the spacing and the lettering. We heard you. So for episodes, is it three and four?