[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People always dump on multi-cams like, uh, this is just like, it's pumped up laughter, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the tough thing about doing a multi-cam is, you gotta get the laughs. So if they're not laughing, you didn't get it. With a single cam, you film, it's like, I think we got it. I guess we got it. That's what filmmaking is like. You're like, it feels funny. And you watch it, and I think sometimes with single cams, it's so like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They get so many of those Ivy League writers in those shows that you watch and you go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that was clever. That was funny. But like, Big Bang, Cheers, Married with Children, those are shows I still appreciate and watch. I like having on the background. And when we were filming, if you didn't get the laugh, you convene, you pump out the jokes, and then you go back and then- Do it again. Do it again. And hope to God it works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not Scooby-Doo in the 80s. You know, you can see, like, the audience is laughing. That's an applause break that was earned. You didn't, you can't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'd kick the audience out, you know, thank you for coming. And then we'd hook up kegs to the taps, had whiskey all over the place, and then the jukebox was functioning. And just hung out there? And we would party until like 3 or 4 in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the set, we set up a karaoke one time and what we do is we have these golf carts, I get fucking blottoed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'd drive down on that back path where like, uh, Jurassic Park, the jeep thing was. And I'd flip over the golf carts and stuff. There were cones set up for filming the next day. I'd run over all the cones. That's fun. We got so many letters like, you gotta stop. This can't continue. It was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean look, look, I don't negate it, you know, but the one thing I will say is that when we were filming, this book called Top of the Rock came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The author, when he was on ER, he went back to the Warner Brother lot for like an interview after he had been done with ER for years. And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After his interview, he walked back to the ER stage on the Warner lot and he walked in and it was vacant, there was nothing there. And all these memories kind of flooded back to him and the one quote he said in the book was, it was as though it never happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when I read that, I remember being in the writers room, I was like, I'm never gonna take this for granted. I'm gonna, I'm gonna enjoy every second I get to. Cause this is why you pack your bags, right? You leave your hometown, you go off to the big city thinking you're gonna make it, and then when it was happening, it was like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the best, the fucking best. I mean, Brian Doyle Murray and Dan Corey and Benson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The owner of Noah's Arcade on Wayne's World, it was like, I'm working with this guy!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So awesome, and he, we went over to his house, uh, we used to go over to everybody's house, we'd all have picnics and barbecues and stuff, and we were lining up some whiskey before we left, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His wife, uh, his wife goes, Brian, we're holding up the shots of whiskey. She goes, Brian, what did you give up for Lent? And he goes, uh, religion. And we all cheered and did it. And I was like, he's so quick. He's so great. So funny, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize that he's been around. Koro Kadishak, I mean, it's just unbelievable. And then Christine Ebersole, who was on our show, she won two Tonys. She did Weekend Update with Brian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, like, magic I think has a stigma of kinda being nerdy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He incorporated blood into it a lot because he was busking in San Francisco. He's a street performer with Robin Williams. And this one guy goes, man, I got these blood capsules. You should throw this into the thing. And then once he did the blood discussion from his mouth and pulling razor blades out of his mouth, he would be like, I'm doing magic and be like, oh, fuck, I fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when I was in New York, at the cellar and all the, all the clubs, I got, uh, a road gig, first for two weeks to make it profitable, cause I traveled down from New York. So my first week was with Brian Regan, this is Charlie Goodnights in Raleigh. And the second week was the amazing Jonathan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just saw Jonathan, I was like, holy shit, man, this guy's fucking mental. You're working, you're doing a week with him. Working a weekend with him, I loved it. And then his road manager, Joel Osborne, who's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Jonathan let me crash on his couch. And every time I came out to LA I'd crash on his couch and then I'd go to Vegas and see him at the Nugget and he'd get me a room and stuff. It was just like, he was one of those guys that you saw on TV that was like the first guy you met that you became friends with, you know? I don't know who that was for you guys, but Jonathan was kinda like that for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you guys actually clicked, like you clicked and became friends. Yea, clicked and became friends, and then essentially he was diagnosed, as of today, five years ago, with cardiomyopathy, which is a degradation of your heart. So, his heart I believe is at like 55% capacity now, it might be lower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And was resigned to dying. He outlived these expectations and about the third year he said, I'm going to see if I still have it. I, I, I want to get back on stage. So he announced a return to stage, three shows on the East coast in Boston. And the minute I saw the announcement, I was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd love to see that, cause I love docs, and I love stand-up, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This would be a great stand-up doc then. So I called him up, I said, could I do this? And he said, absolutely, because I know Jonathan's trajectory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joel Osborne. Jonathan met Joel when Joel was 12 years old backstage after a show in Australia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this a little kid asking for an autograph? Comes back the next year, 13. Hey, can I get an autograph? He keeps seeing this kid and the kid just keeps following him around Australia. And basically Jonathan teaches him tricks and each year after year he


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He kind of fosters him along the way, and Joel had, his parents had just gotten divorced, whatever, so I think he looked at Jonathan as a father figure and watching the tapes over and over again. Basically, Joel turns 18, Jonathan says, will you be my road manager? Take an 18 year old kid to road manage a drug addict in Las Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Joel, this kid got put through the wringer. He oversaw a nasty divorce, a suicide attempt, the perils of Las Vegas, and Joel kept Jonathan alive and on track.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And basically got his life in shape, said I'm going to Australia, became a comedian on his own, so when Jonathan said I'm coming back to this stage, Joel came back to open form, so it all kinda came full circle. Whoa, that's cool. The minute it all kinda happened, I was like, this kinda plays itself out, I saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pitching to a few different places, uhm, and essentially what ended up happening was I just went out of pocket, it was a passion project, and I love Jonathan, I love his act, and I love Joel, and I love their dynamic. So I just kinda did it on my own, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you guys know, sometimes these projects, they start to spiral out of control and the money starts to consume you, but at the end of the day, I was given a choice of like where to let this live, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanted as many people to see it. I want as many people to be reeducated or reintroduced to Jonathan. As possible. As possible. So in talking to Bill Burr and Al Magical at All Things Comedy, I said let's just put this on YouTube and let's let everybody see this. I'll take a bath on it, but the response on it thus far has been tremendous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anybody can watch it, it's on YouTube, you just type in Always Amazing, and you guys know the comment section on any...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're at like, probably like 97% positive, and I thought, I thought we're gonna get some real trolls here, but it's been nothing short of just like, we're just kinda blown away at the response. Well now I have to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always amazing. You can watch it just for free. For free. On YouTube. And there's a good production value. We put a lot of money in this thing, but my goal ultimate was to get this done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before Jonathan unfortunately is no longer with us and thank God I did and I'll never forget the first time I did it for him. I showed it to him in Vegas at his theater room and he said I love it and he got up and walked out and I was thinking, well he's probably


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, get himself together and I remember calling my wife immediately afterwards, I was crying and I was like, I don't care if I ever make a dime on this thing, which I haven't, but that meant everything to me. It meant the world because he, he placed his


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His legacy, his story in my hands. Is he no longer with us? He is still with us, yeaah. Uh, he has good days, he has bad days. As of late, from what I know, talking to him, I think he's having a few more bad days than he has good days. Is there, is the treatment, you know, uh, available to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the aspect we left out of the film, which maybe I should have kept in, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's still with us today because, and he said this on film, but he, uh, he basically takes stem cells from the black market through Mexico.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, for example, this one story he told us that we left out because I was like, that's a bit much. He lost his toe. He lost his toe. And his toe, because he's diabetic, he has no feelings in his feet, right? So it just, his toe just pulled off. He just pulled it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he pulled off his toe so he goes to the doctor and they inject stem cell where the void was of not having a toe and it grew back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a nub grew back, so the doctor had to like, whittle it into this shape of a toe, so he kinda-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they are, I heard they are, upcharge you on everything. Sure. It's like, yea, I like a fork, it's like, yea, it's 25 cents for the fork. Yea, yea. It's like, uh, can I get the, you know. No forks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want, do you want a coke? Yeah. I was like, what, are you selling us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like something in their 50s or like 60s and they're like, I was like, it's so fucking boring. And a lot of the stand up films I saw, I was like, I haven't seen one that I felt was like, that's how it really is. Yeah, I agree. And so I just wrote about that important part of every comic's life where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can see your life in front of you, but you know you have this burning desire to pursue your bliss, and so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was it. It was like the impetus was this kid gets offered for his first time to go on the road and the whole film takes place over four days and it's the first time he ever gets to MC at an improv. Dude, I remember that experience so vividly. Me too. It's so crazy and the memories start flooding back. Where was yours? Brea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Breyer's was yours. Oh, you told me that, right? Yeah. That place is like the old Breyer. It was magic for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so awesome. I think the film really does, like the first half of the film is all the romanticism, optimism and blind, like faith and partying of hanging out with the feature act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the back half of the film was all the isolation sobriety and realism of him finally warming up to this road weary veteran that's played by Cedric the Entertainer. Yeaah. And you had a great cast man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the best part is when you pulled up, you know, you play a cop, I don't want to tell too much, but all the improv you did on the, uh, on the handle saying all the things I never want to say, but uh, but the story, so- Does that make the cut? Does it make the cut? Oh, it made the cut, yeah. There's a few lines, yeah. Oh, great, great. And it's really, but, but that incident, whenever this does come out,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People see it, they'll go, there's no way that that actually happened to me. It happened to me in, uhm, in North Carolina. I was at Charlie Goodnights, so. What? In Raleigh? In Raleigh, North Carolina, yeaah. Holy shit. I ended up under somebody's trailer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's wild. That is wild. That is pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think probably early 2020 is when it comes out. There was so many things, like, I wanted to incorporate, like, there was a fight I had, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Early in my career, like, I was talking to Jay Larson about this, like, he's never been a fistfight in his life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was on a run. It was, it was about like, it was about like farting or crap. It was like years ago. And it was just like, it was a good bit. Which club was it? Was it the punch line there? Sacramento Punch, next to the sleep train, right? Yeah, the sleep train.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm on this run and I got the audience. It's one of those nights where you just feel like you just, you got the momentum, it's going. And I saw it happen. I saw this dude just kind of like, he was dying laughing and he just stopped. He sat there just like stone face and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a little bustle and stuff and I saw security come over. Security tapped the guy on the shoulder and the guy didn't even talk to him. He just got up and ran. He just took off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And basically what happened, he shit his pants. He was laughing so hard he shit his pants during the Saturday, Saturday 8 o'clock show. He ran out past the 10 o'clock show as they're waiting in line. The shit is falling out of his pants in front of these people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, all those people gotta be thinking, this gotta be the greatest show I've ever seen in my life. This guy is shitting his pants. So, Colin Jost, who was opening for me at the time, is like, as soon as I got off stage, he's like, dude, you gotta come here. You gotta check this out. And so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He sewed me where the shit was, there was like two or three chunks of shit, and I kneeled down in front of it, I took a pose, and then like years later Colin framed it for me and put it on a plaque and put the date down and everything. That's amazing. Not only that, I did it again in Calgary. You made someone shit themselves? At Yuck Yucks, I made somebody shit their pants. Same bit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on? This guy's like, you ever heard of a Blumpkin? I'm like, oh fuck yeah. He's like, someone was getting one during your show and I'm like, it's pretty sweet. That is pretty great. You're like the shit guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, brought in the stretcher, and Gareth is on the microphone the whole time. Like, commenting, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of making it like, okay? And then the guy was on the stretcher, went out, gave everybody a thumbs up, and got a huge applause break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite video of all time. Do you remember that fat chick on a motorcycle when she hits a bump and then the inertia propels her forward and you just see this lifeless


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my wife would see it and she'd go, I don't, I don't see anything funny. I'm like, how do you not find this fucking hilarious? Well here's, this is kinda funny. Can I play one or no? Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hilarious. She was spinning as fast as the rotors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you got chased by an animal, I wouldn't make any- I'd just be running. I don't scream, I don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was. It was real. I was terrified. You know, at Jonathan, the amazing Jonathan's house, it's rigged. Everything is rigged with tricks. Oh, the house? Oh, yea, yea, yea. So you go sit at his desk, and he's like, hey, I wanna show you something on my computer. You go sit at the desk, and there's this antique chair. It goes up to like, it goes up like another five feet. It's really cool looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just sit there and he's like, yea, let me just check the- and he hits this button and the chair just flips back. You absolutely go wump and you go flat back and there's a cushion there that gets you and then he had this thing. That's cool man. He has a painting that is of a cow and you hold up a glass to it and milk comes out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was cool. He's got two ones that scare the shit out of you. He's got the original, like, Chucky doll. And you go over and you're like, yeah, check out this Chucky doll. It's original, it's from the movie, and he's giving you the history and he keeps telling you about it and you're kinda looking at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes behind the wall, he's got this lever and he pulls it and it just springs out and the eyes pop out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you will shit your fucking pants. I'll scream. He framed a spider, he said, oh I found that in my uh, in my pool. It's like a spider like this big and it's all furry, it's a real spider.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just doing it for the moment. He's constantly pulling pranks on people and constantly doing things. He's constantly doing magic. Like you go eat lunch with him, he'll find a cable and he'll somehow find a way to create


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A trick out of it, and he's, I don't know, to me it's constantly entertaining, and even in doing the doc, like he puts his knife through the arm, it's the first thing you see in the film, and uhm, it's one of his more famous tricks, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he comes out with a briefcase and he opens it, and there's a bowling ball in it. And then he drops it, and when he drops it, you realize, oh that's a real bowling ball, it's heavy. But he comes out in this slim case, and you're like, how the, how the fuck did you do that? And what you do is, it's all,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I didn't know now, but he cuts a hole in the back of the suitcase so half the bowling ball is exposed. And he walks out with the suitcase facing front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then he places it down, and as he places it down, he opens it, and then the ball comes out. So it's just like shifting the ball as you go through it. It's just all slight of hand. Yea, but I mean like, I wish I didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we interviewed Copperfield in the film, and I'll tell you, he's, I know somebody said it's the most expensive property in Vegas, uh, his home, and he's a billionaire, right? So you go over and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the door is like 20 feet big and it opens up and it's the most gorgeous home I've ever been in in my entire life. I'm sure you guys have been to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like nice homes, stars homes and stuff. I've never seen anything like this. Uhm, and the guy was incredibly nice, incredibly kind, and I don't know, it was great to hear his perspective too on like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What made Jonathan great, cause Copperfield's talking about, you know, he does almost like these Disney-esque production value, like really high-end things. And then Jonathan's just kinda like this Walmart WD-40 and duct tape slapping things together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And getting just as big as reactions, but just kind of like being more makeshift, you know? Yeah, yeah. Which is kind of fun. It's so cool, man. I think the creativity that you see with Jonathan's stuff is pulling the razor blades out of his mouth. I still don't know how he does it. I know that there's a blood capsule in it, but he's chewing on a razor blade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you see him put each one of them in there and then they come out in a string. All five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like the first day I came home and showed my kids that they were losing their fucking minds. How do you do that? That is so cool. And it's just literally just like manipulating and pulling it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great escape and I, I don't know, I'm always enamored by magic. I kinda like it. Me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, off to Raleigh, Nashville, uhm, all the, everything's Steve Burlavi, follow me, at Steve Burlavi, you get the link to the film and all that other stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really, you know, it's an example of consequences that can happen while you're on the road. And that's ultimately what it won't. I won't give it away. I won't give it away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Free rent, you get a lease on a key. Fuck me. Piss on me, beat me, I'm home now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men from jail, homeless, or uhm, you're a thug, you wanna come move in? A friend can move in with you too, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't it true that you want to fly commercial so that you can fly in luxury? How much money did you pay for Tyler Perry's Gulfstream jet, for example?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well let me just ask a really simple question. A lot of people think it's unbecoming for a preacher to live a life of luxury and to fly around in private jets. What's your response to that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, getting back to the comment. You said that you don't like to fly commercial because you don't wanna get into a tube with a bunch of demons. Do you really believe that human beings are demons?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you explain what you meant by that, by that term then? Just explain, because it's really simple. You said you didn't want to get into a tube with a bunch of demons. What did you mean? Do you think that people that fly commercial are demons?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's come to my attention that some of you want to have your very own FGTRTD license plate. Can't say I blame you. Feels pretty awesome. But you're worried about what you're going to tell the DMV about the letters. So I'm here with your YMH tip of the week. It's pretty simple. I just told them via the online form that it was the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Initials of my favorite author and the initials of my favorite musician. That's it. Easy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina, happy belated mommy day. Thank you. Thank you for the accurate hat and the super comfy sweater. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the other one? Well this is Russian, right? Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I can't believe at the level that I have got in my life. Can you imagine if I was alive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so, you know, you know how proud I am to be that, no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he pushed my legs back, which is face to my butt, and a fart came. I start crying, but you won't believe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, if you're listening right now, I'm in Portland in Seattle. I think everything is sold out. There might be a few tickets left for the May 5th show. Then I go to Riverside on May 17th. That's almost sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Las Vegas, May 18th, and then at the end of the month I hit Louisville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Detroit, and Chicago. Uh, in Chicago, I added a second show, June 2nd. You can get tickets for that now. Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, dot com slash tour. And then I head on to Richmond. Uhm, I do Hanover, Atlantic City, Tulsa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, second shows have been added in Toronto, Vancouver, and Denver. Those are all at TomSegura.com slash tour. A bunch of other dates too. Europe and all over the country. Uh, very excited about it. Thank you guys for getting tickets. Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he's got that camera, like angled, you see, it's like sitting on his leg. And he's filming himself and he's super excited. He said he's fully hard just telling the story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what, we should go after some of these people online too. With this shit, every picture is like this. That's nice though, that looks good. You're not fooling anybody, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think, you know, he's not a young guy. It probably took him this long to put that video out. It's probably good for him. This is actually cathartic, you know? He gets to announce to the world that he's sick of Liz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ, man. Isn't that just impressive numbers? Just, you know what I mean, just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, remove yourself from the, uh, scenario of Liz and all this. Just to be like, I've sucked thousands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, stay over there, that's all I'm saying. Don't reach over the... Oh my goodness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, she has to. She knows. But there's a force level of delusion with Liz. Liz is telling herself what she wants to. Poor Liz. But she's gotta get through life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uhm, between the touring and I had a small part in a movie, we always, you know, we always, we never skip this show no matter what. That's right. We always make it happen. No matter what. And I turned 40, I came home from a long week out, and I walk into my living room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had put, uh, my dream. My own private jet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, that looks really expensive. So I walk in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I guess, is this on the screen? Can they see this? I see a fucking private jet made of balloons. Yep. And it says, and it's enormous, I mean that thing is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like something you would see at a Kardashian's birthday party. Yeaah. You know, it's like an extravagant, uh, anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, you got, you got me. I laughed. I was so happy to see this. There's huge 40th, um, numbers, you know, of balloons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, no, that's it. And they're like, so what is it? I go, that's the, that's the present.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta take these out of my ears and put them underneath it. Okay. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well I'm really happy with this, thank you. You look great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's r- This is a- Where does this perspective come from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, uhm, I was saying that that guy has the same mentality that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's normally, but now I'm changing my perspective. Oh, oh, I see where you're going. I've won you over. You won me over with my chain and your new perspective. Doug Mellord, the great Doug Mellord, hilarious comedian, has been on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, sent me this on my birthday and this was one of the worst experiences of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They hated us for this episode. For those of you who don't know, we found this guy and he was like giving karate and singing lessons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would always let you know that, you know, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And why doesn't, what part of your brain doesn't go, I should dry that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait till you discover forks. They're so awesome for like, you scoop up the food and you can put it in your mouth. I know. It's really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no. Wipegate was real. Wipegate was like there was a split. People go like, I get it. I go shit to shower. Not most, but people did. No one listening is like, that's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. Some people would side with you. No one is siding with you right now. Nobody. Nobody is understanding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The monitors just went off. Okay, they're back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Daily by not drying off. Everybody knows the experience of having not having the time or whatever circumstance to get dressed wet and then you go, this is horrible. I'm going to dry off. And I would do like that's what you normally do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but that happens to me too. I have body hair. So you're trying to dry off. Sometimes you start putting, you're like, oh, this is horrible. So like the next time I shower, I'm going to dry even more. I'm saying she's going, yep, I know I'm wet. This makes me mad. It feels bad. And then the next shower, she's going to do the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, why are you sitting here? Why are you doing this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fucking worst. Uhm, wait, Josh, while you're here, got a, uh, a message from a listener about you. Oh boy. Yeaah, it says, hey, I've been listening to Josh's sexual downward spiral. I want to help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna help. I spoke with my mother. She has needs. He has wants. She may be 65, but she is a former powerlifter with a heart of gold and is very nurturing. Josh doesn't like to wear bags. My mom can't get pregnant, so it's a win-win. Have Josh email me for details. Balls deep, Liam. I won't be the first mom I fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, did she, uhm, just kinda lightly, delicately touch your starfish? Or did she, like, just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we'll set it up, man. Make Josh come tour. He's coming. Uhm, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The greatest moment in the history of podcasting happened


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have been, as some of you have been, jumping into, he goes live on Instagram sometimes like 26 times a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Robert. Okay. Robert is the try it out guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it stands for Robert Paul Champagne, and it's, that is the Try It Out guy. If you're familiar with the Try It Out guy, that is him. Uhm, and he, he does not fuck around on his, on his, uh, Instagram live. It is, it's... Try it out. Here we go. Let's see some more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you don't know, he said, cause he kind of stumbles through some of it. He said, uhm, if I was around in the slave days, uh, he drops a big word and then he said he put his tits in a clamp. And he's like mashing his chest around and he's fantasizing about, uh, slaves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yuck. So he just wants, he wants to be a, you know, it's the same thing. It's actually the perfect fantasy for him. He's saying, he's always talking about black guys pissing on them and beating them. And then this is basically morphed into a slavery fantasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ, man, so, if you're not putting it together as saying that, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird cause he's like, I wanna be in the slave days, but I want them to chain me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's drinking his own, he's drinking his own best. And uh, it's kind of rough, man. He drinks quite a bit. I'm going to throw up. I'm going to throw up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he, well he was like, people were like, uh, they would go, why are you drinking your own piss? He's like, well cause no one else would come over here to piss on me. Like he was, he was mad that they weren't, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he was uhm, he was like getting back at the people that aren't pissing on him. He said, I'll drink my own piss then. Oh my god. Alright, there's more? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would think so. Uhm, but we gotta get, we gotta get this going. So why don't we, uhm, why don't we try to give them a call?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay, let me see here. Uhm, let's make a call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's home here now. My guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're leasing a key, man. Yeah, uhm, I just gotta say though, it seriously, it still is the thing that I just can't believe this actually happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're, we're, oh yeaah, he's on his phone right now. Uh, 420, which means 80 episodes later basically. Which is like two years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It sounds like he's talking to us. So can we call right back? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead. Alright, here, let's try it again. Alright, let's do it again. So one guy's phone number I don't have to worry about putting out there. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey man, uhm, it's Tom and Christina and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're, we're so excited to be talking to you. You know, this is gonna be a big, it's gonna be a big week man for your social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, here's what's gonna happen. Those, uh, your followers are gonna go up by the thousands. You gotta be prepared that you're gonna have to like turn your phone off sometimes because people are gonna be calling you a lot. They might be showing up. I would also check your mailbox frequently. I think people are gonna be sending you gifts. Uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, now one thing that I really got excited about is you mentioned in the stories and even in comments that you're gonna be doing a live show on Coney Island this July. You're gonna do some stand-up, is that right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, you know that, like, if you give out the details of where you're gonna have a humongous fan club show up to watch you perform, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that makes sense. So now, I wanna ask you about, uhm, some of the, courting some of these guys, cause what happened to guys do you think? I feel like guys used to just wanna fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, and then are they kind of being shy now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, chicken, I get you on that. I feel like that with the next week or so, it's going to change. And I'm not kidding you. I feel like you're going to, when we talk to you next, you're going to be like, man, I am worn out. I got pissed on, beat, fucked. I'm, I'm, I'm done. I think that's going to happen in the next two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope so. My fingers are crossed. Me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's up, uhm, with the piss now, some of the guys, you know, everyone has different kinks, what's it like, does your own piss turn you on the way someone else's does or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, good. Yeah, you gotta keep your phones going. Uhm, keep going live on Instagram. People love it. And I'm telling you, this week is gonna be a big week for you. So,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We look forward to watching the shows and seeing your posts. Please post pictures often. People love it. And uhm, I hope you have a great week. Uh, piss on me and beat me. And uhm, that is it, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gave his fucking address and phone number to all of humanity. Yeah, but he's like, yeah, of course, give out my number. The only person in the world who'd be like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and I, by the way, I don't, the one thing I'll tell you, I mean obviously, sense of humor, we like to have fun, it's, I think it's fucked up if you tell them you're coming over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been great. I know, please. You know who would be a nice treat for him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet TryDog I would really appreciate a visit from any.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. I mean, you know, especially like when you're in, you're in certain, you're in New York, you're walking through, you know, Washington Square Park, you're in Soho, whatever, you're just walking around, you're like, look at that fucking cool ass black guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are super excited, honored to have an iconic comedian in here. We've had a bunch of fucking schlubs, and now we have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, you can say that because you know you're not. So that's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This feels like we're getting into uh, uh, Gary Gullman's writing tips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love them. I love them. He actually, cause it'll be obviously, you know, you're a seasoned comic, you, you know, some of the stuff, but it's like, it's like reading something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of it is completely new to your mind, and some of it you're like, you know what, I should fucking do that. I should do that. And it's like a great kind of self help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, that's such a skill. I've had to, uh, work on the opposite. I get messages like, dude, you gotta move. People are like, you gotta do something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, people are like, man, you know you stood still for like 66 minutes and I'm like yea, I mean, I wasn't trying to, but then I think about it and I'm like, oh a little bit of something breathes some life into this a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy Lee, yeaah, that's, dude, I remember, okay, I started in 02, and like 2004, like people don't know what the fuck was up, like now, what was up with Dublin's, and how, you go upstairs, and, what was it, Tuesday night? Yeaah, it's a free show. And I went up there a couple times,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a great dude, but I remember watching your set and I'm like, fuck. And I was two years in thinking like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should be up there. And uh, going up to Jay and being like, you know, can I get booked on this? And he was like, he was like looking over me like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I, uh, I brought tape, you know, this VHS tape. I gave him tape. He was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll watch it. I'll watch it. Appreciate you, man. And like, you know, just, and I, of course I never heard from him or anything, but I also found out today,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That any who works there in the hat, that's his dad's place. What? Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At this point is your, cause the first big thing that I remember, I mean that the album was huge, but also the Comedy Central half hour, right? Oh my gosh. That was massive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People don't know too because like at this point now, you know, the world that we all live in is like social media connects all of us. And it's a huge thing. And there's all these things every day. There's new platform, but like you were, and it's, it's credited this way as it should be hands down a pioneer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have two cliques of fame. But you had built this, and then, I mean, the story, people were telling the stories like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About like, oh, Dane fucking, uh, responds to every email that comes in. That's all I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of comics don't realize that they are entrepreneurs, you know? Like, you're a creative, but you have to have your shit together in order to kind of put everything, you know what I mean? It's a business, you're in a business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what's exciting, like after you've accomplished so much because like you have number one albums, you know, you did arena tours and specials and it's like, human trafficking. Human trafficking has got to be exciting. It's got to be deviant shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. If you could give, if you could go back to like 0506 and give yourself advice, is there anything you would tell yourself differently?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I struggle with what you're saying by the way now, at the clubs. Yeah. Yeah, I walk in and like, I mean people have told me they think uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the truth is, I have anxiety too, and I uhm, you know, my thing is always like, ah, you know, that person doesn't want to, what are we gonna say? You know, they don't want to talk to me. That's how I feel. And so I'm just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good to see you man, and then I walk around the corner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to navigate this thing, and I'm a fucking comedian. Like you have to worry about all these, like, did I make sure everybody was alright off stage? When like, you know, it's like, you're just, you're telling jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To all these levels of like, you gotta make sure everyone's okay. I gotta be honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the fun of the craft, right? It's like when sometimes you go up there and you throw out the random thing and you see it connect universally and you're like, oh shit. You see that moment happen and then you run with it and it builds and you're like, oh this is why we do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of a, but like it's like a mirror of, like you're an example of like what


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That reality of the, the online big mouth and you're like, you're sitting here, a famous guy. You've heard all this shit and you're like, yeah, never meet him. And then anybody can also log on, see crazy shit written. And then you're like, you never see those people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what someone just did, but I don't normally respond to those things. Somebody sent me a screen grab where they contacted a famous person, I don't even want to give credit to it, and said like, Tom Segura hates your guts, I heard about that. And then they sent me the screen grab and I go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would you tell them that? And he goes, didn't you? And I go, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll let him know. I was like, oh, thanks. So he's like, he, uh, contacted someone to tell him that I don't like him. And I'm like, what the fuck, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, like, isn't coping, like, so your coping though was, I mean, you have to figure out a way to deal with this. Well, I was rich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, for people that don't know, your brother was handling your finances, right? That's right. And, uhm, this was, this was highly publicized at the time, uh, was stealing money from you. Yes. Even though you were...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, how, like I'm not trying to relive trauma, but like how do you dis- like is there a mo- is there a phone call? Like here's what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And essentially, I'm guessing here, but what motivated him was greed, right? He just had access to it. Entitlement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you didn't do the traditional promoter deal, like, give me, like, it was like, I'm paying for it, and then I, well, I incur all the risk, but I get all the rewards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It all kinda, it all kinda worked. Do you feel like that on that tour, a lot of those people were like, in their own way being like, I wanna help them recoup this crazy loss that they knew about or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. And then has, uh, all these, you know, time has gone by. Yeah. I'm assuming he's out of prison. Does he? Oh, you drove me here today. No. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And did this guy, did he also like stash things in accounts under his name? Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. Now, will you give Christina some advice here, cause I'm trying to get her to see the light. Tell her how I should get a jet. Will you just give her a jet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I wanna show Dane something. Can you pull up that clip you were gonna show? We need to put on the cans. Yea, the cans for this one. Okay. Uhm, cause I feel like you have a good sense of humor and this is, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no. The one that you pulled up before. He had it right. Uhm, this is like, this is like one of our gauges for somebody who has a great sense of humor. So, this is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now hold on, one more. One more. The lady, the girl that we were gonna show, remember? So this one, I don't even know if you've seen this one, this is a new cool girl that we found. That is like, she's just cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, hold on a second. For our listeners, cause this is on YouTube, but there's also people just listening who download it. Can you, in your own language, describe a visual?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, she's got, basically, it's not an exaggeration to say very leaning into Ronald McDonald. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like this is probably when we should show Dr. Drew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I feel like you definitely could not just be like, I'm gonna go to bed now with her in the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, do you know this level of energy that she is saying this with? That's how she wakes up. You know what I mean? When you're like, oh, I just got up. But she's like, hey, did you think about it? And you're like, Jesus Christ, you gotta tone it down. It's fucking 7 a.m.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so people know you're on tour right now, you're touring all over the place. I've seen you at some, uh, we're at some of the same venues in some cities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gonna be in Madison, Milwaukee, Honolulu, uh, Verona, New York, Niagara Falls. This is Dane. Bethlehem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Baltimore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New York City, Radio City Music Hall, uh, Louisville, Nashville, which I was just in last week, amazing venue, the Ryman, Orlando. Oh, I love it. And on and on, go to danecook.com. There's tons, you're doing tons of shows. This is great. Good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is fucking awesome, man. Uhm, and then are you planning on shooting during this tour?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome man. Yeah. Yeah. This was a real treat man. Thank you for coming today. And it's like, it's a thrill to like hear the whole story and have you so open about it. It's really fun man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of our old friends in stand-up comedy and I gotta say we keep getting older, but this guy, he looks fucking 24. Look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you're saying. No, I wasn't saying that, I was just saying that like... He was saying that maybe she didn't have AIDS. Yeah. That was the only thing. I was thinking like, when he said she has an autoimmune disorder, my mind was like, she probably doesn't have AIDS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but Acme, I mean Lewis just does an amazing job. That place is incredible, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, thrilled? Thrilled, yeah, yeah. I fucking love that place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go, uh, Ryan Stout's here. And I go, for what? And they're like, just to watch your set. And I was like, what? And they're like, I go, why? And then I go, what's up? What are you doing here? He's like, I'm just going to watch your set. I go, don't. Like, go away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like they say that uhm, you know, right, when you lose a sense, like a blind person's sense of hearing is like heightened, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a little bit. Have you had the thing where, and just in life where, you know, you're, you open like, let's say, I don't know, a Tupperware and you're, and then someone next to you is like, Jesus, man, do you smell that? I've had people walking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, does it make, is there a period, uh, maybe growing up where, you know, you, you feel self-conscious about not having anything, you start going, I gotta buy some cologne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, up to this point, at some point, you must have been like, yeaah, smells great. Like when somebody said, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ryan, I mean obviously I'm very happy for you that you're now engaged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well I hope that you get that and then you can get married, what, in the fall? Winter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This could be like, if you were single, maybe this could be your gal, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His reaction? It can. First of all, no, this is a bit, okay? So that's what, this is a bit. But. How dare you, Tom. But.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If that had been a real fart, that reaction, that's within, you could be beating the smell there. That's fascinating. Beating the smell. Like the smell could be hanging out a second or two after that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here it is, Ryan Stott, man in the suit, and uh, is that really you? Or no? It's really me. Oh. Yeah. So we shot this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to, I went to go see Rocky. Okay. And Danny's son, uh, got me in the hallway. Oh yeah. And did the whole thing that you're like, not supposed to fall for. I was like, just come in here, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's quite an impressive piece too, let's be honest. It is pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He's uh, you know we found him. I know. And uh, yeaah, it's pretty exciting man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first conversation that people are gonna hear will be tonight. Oh my god. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's uh, his Instagram lives are a whole other level. Are they all sexual as well? Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hard to watch, but he is so down, so into it. He has a, he mentioned how great it would be to live in the slavery days, and then, and he's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All those black eyes and feel and fucking me and chaining me up. We're like, no, no, that wouldn't, no, it's the other way. And he just goes on. He's like, no, no, no, it's my fantasy. It's my fantasy, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the address and phone number are in those Instagram lives and when he comments on posts. So if somebody is like, uh, you're looking pretty good today. And he's like, thanks. And then he writes out 23.95.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That seems like it's a... I don't remember that, that issue of Edge. The body?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At this, in this business district that we're in, in three months, it'll be 110.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ryan, or excuse me, Josh Potter, I thought of him the other day like, oh my god, it was 84 in the valley, and I'm like, man, it's like the middle of the day, I'm like, it feels kind of like, it's clearly hot out, you know? I walked by the thermostat, it's 74 with the heat on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it out. Try it out buddy. There's a deal man. I like coming in my ears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of things I don't like about her, but then I found out that this sociopath sitting next to me just discovered


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's been getting dressed without... Semi-damp. Yeaah. And she's like, and she goes, and it feels terrible, I hate it. Okay. Never adjusted it. Never changed it. Puts on socks on wet feet. Puts pants on wet legs. And she's like, isn't it horrible? And everyone's like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So she goes perfumeless now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, uh, I was in college, and it was just like, first of all, she had such a big bush, man. Really? How fucking near is this? Yea, it looked like a pair of nuts in her panties. Is this in North Carolina?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this in Florida? Yeah. And then it was just like hanging out of the sides and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Josh's shoulder, and then that thing had like, it just had some sour tang to it, you know? It smelled like, just uh, what are those like, candy strips, you know? Has the sugar on it? Sour Patch Kids? I fucking love those! Oh, oh the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I bet. Yeah. Absolutely. We are agreeing with you. Yeah. You don't even know, like, the joy of running this part of your thumb along the edge and then being like, oh wow, that stinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? That's such a fun move. God, my balls stink. Especially like right before you step in the shower, you start going back and forth. You're like, God. And you go back for more and then you're like, can't believe how much it smelt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just kind of toying with yourself. Uh huh. Just trying to see what smells. Or like scratch your piss. You're like, God! Oh my God, so much stink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like how amazing like the human mind is though. You still are alerting yourself that something's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's like, it's basically, I feel like that part of the thumb was made for you to sniff your balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we had a little technical problem there, but we're all resolved and we're back. Alright, that's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I did not. And so you just had the feeling that you stunk? No, no, I could smell it. Oh, okay. I was at the gym, then I worked out, then I went to the grocery store and I remember walking through the gro- and you know when you stop, I go, hey, do you know where the whatever is? I did it and I got a whiff of myself. I was like, that's already like kicking right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, ugh. They're like, you're disgusting. Get out of here, you fucking homeless piece of shit. And then I got home, and I'm cooking, and she's like, oh, you know, but she's just being nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the, on the streets. That was you. That was me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you ever see a stranger and you're flying to fucking, you know, Cleveland on a flight, like you just notice the person and then on your flight home, you see them again and you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm a little worried. I don't feel like you, I remember people, remember like we go to parties and I'll be like, that's Rick and that's, they work here and I work here and you're like, how do you fucking know these people? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't get that, but I did get the point in my adult life where I went to visit my parents and it was Sunday and they, the day where they stopped doing the guilt trip, like when they were just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we'll see you after church though. We're just gonna, you know, head out and we'll see you later on for lunch. And I was like, okay. And then they came home and they didn't mention it. I was like, this is the best day of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now what? What does that mean you gotta do? We're not gonna have kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same video? No, no, no. A different video. This guy's putting out new content. That's what we're excited about. Is it his content or is it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then alternates. Can you pull up his first video? Yea, like this is how we first got to know him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean there's a, there's very little that I did, I mean it was the right track for me, like that's what I should have done. Yea. You know, it would, I had the, within communications you can do the print, you know, you can do, I did like TV radio production which was the focus of it. Sure. The place looked a lot like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I mean, I don't really apply what I learned there, but it was still, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The idea of skipping college now, it does, like, I'm like, dude, go!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta do this right after this. Uhm, so, uh, first of all, I wanna say that you were invited, and we have a policy on this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you everybody. Yeah. This is a, an invitation only show. So you have the invitation only shirt. Oh, I'm going to wear that. If you could please pass this along.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all it took. The third album, Man in the Suit, is out now. They're playing it all the time on SiriusXM. You should go and download it on iTunes or wherever you stream or purchase music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm getting all these chicks like, do you wanna fuck? And I'm like, yeah, hold on. Yeah, I wanna fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I'm just gonna play with this knob here. Yeah, how's that going? Okay, I think I'm good. Sorry guys. Apologies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so the one that I like is the one that is made of two deep fried pancakes, and then in the middle you have a sausage patty, you have cheese, and then they coat it in syrup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, June, June 6th. Dude, so soon, just around the corner. You're picking a gender, you're assigning a gender. We're gonna let the baby decide. That's the best way. We're gonna put...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and how do you, how do you, uh, register their response? They'll say yes or no. Okay, and if they don't respond, you just let them stew in it. Yeah, of course. Because fuck that fishy baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Yeaah, cause I mean that's not, it's not consent. Respect your parents. Yeaah. Of course. Don't ignore me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? The, the spunk of miracles. The spunk of miracles, yea. And the gaze brought to just watches and masturbates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. See, that's one of the fallacies of a fat man. Yeah. Cause I'll spend like 20 minutes on the elliptical and then I'll eat a whole pizza by myself. Yeah, you'll get fun. Yeah, like I feel amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somehow I feel not gonna be super surprised by what's in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was good. I think everyone liked it. I don't think they love it to be honest. I don't know what my mom expects but she gets this kind of reaction of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like as if I told her his name was uh, Greg. Mhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No offense to Greggs, but it's like, you ever- It wasn't exciting, it was more car-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, hold on, I wanna ask you guys about Theo Von, because there's like a whole beef with you guys there, isn't there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To take that huge subway sandwich. Yeah, yeah, and they just, and so why do you think it's hilarious because I mean, I know there's like a stereotype that black guys are well endowed and that's fine, but I'm sure there's white guys and Christina's taking notes which I appreciate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can rattle them off. But my point, my point is, is like, I just find it, I find it funny that like, like, like painful overt racism is only allowed in pornography. Yeah. Like I see him throwing the n-word around, like you n-word, but the whole print, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I just, I find it so funny that only in porn can you be like, huge black, huge black guys and tiny white chicks. Let's make this happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Girls, you need to make sure that the guys you're having sex with on scene haven't done gay porn before. I don't know if it's because she thought they might be infected or if she doesn't like gay porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] August Ames was her name. Yeaah. But, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yes, I've heard of that before. And I would love to get access, possibly even, wouldn't that be fantastically entertaining to be able to see what these girls are willing to do. Like three dicks and an asshole, two dicks and an asshole, black guy, gay guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I think so because she's not taking a dick, which is kind of a strange thing if you're like a good Christian girl, you know, you don't want to take a dick. God forbid a black dick. Exactly. It's really disturbing. But I have noticed that a lot of the premium girls


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like too pretty for the jizz. Too cute for the jizz. Too cute for the jizz. Which I would agree with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you tell, wait, do you have big balls? Tiny penis, huge balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, or, or a good-sized peanut. Yes. But you can correct your vision.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your penis? Can he talk to us? He can. What's your penis size Josh? I think he's got like just like a healthy hog on him. Cause if you're both, what if you're blind and have a fucking tiny little wing? That'd be even worse. That's even worse. But we're not playing that game. Josh, how big's your penis?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna take this question seriously. It deserves to be thoughtfully answered. Um, you know, micro penis is a medical condition, and you're really, I mean, you can have an average penis like our friend Josh here said, who would I assume he means like probably around five to six, probably less than six, right Josh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably five. But that's fine, that's a normal penis you can say. You don't have a, you're not going, you're not starting in blacked. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but you're talking about a micropenis, I mean, I've seen guys, like, I mean, micropenises are real tough, are a real tough issue. And that would fuck your whole life up. I think you have confidences, you have relationship issues, you have a lot of problems stemmed from having that awful micropenis. Christina's repulsed at the very thought of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you would- No, no. I would- I would- I would avoid the micro- almost anything I think is better and- and I- my heart goes out to guys who were born like that because you- I've seen like really built big guys who you would expect to be like fairly well endowed and they're walking around with little jelly beans in their pants. You know what the worst part is too? Is that there's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing is you- it'd be so nice if you could just get like fake tits as a guy. Right. It's so complicated. I've seen things where like, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's inside your, you know, penis, but you gotta, it's not, it doesn't sound that fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen that. I watched a documentary of guys with extreme ED.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whose penis was just completely like dead weight and so they wanted to be able to perform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say that in my heyday, I was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the appearance of the vagina is not as important. No, no. And yours is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, and also the problem with the penis is that it's used for the performance itself. Like there's just so much issues that guys have tied to their penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So with, first of all, I want to tie back. Micropenis, I would, I would do almost anything to, to avoid that. Because the psychological damage you would occur throughout your life would be tremendous. Like short of like getting childhood cancer or something. I mean, I would avoid the micropenis. I'm serious. Did anyone opt for the micropenis? Any of these guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not even about the sexual gratification, it's about, you're with a girl that you, you, this girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's fucking tiny. So then, like, you know, it's a nightmare. But to go back, if you want to talk more about my piece. Then you end up putting your head through a dresser. Most importantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You set yourself up. So when I was younger, like in high school and early days of college, I was very proud of my penis. I thought it was wonderful, I was like, this is awesome, my penis is fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, as I've gotten older, I've become more ashamed of my penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I get fatter, I get more out of shape, there's less torque, there's less power, there's less uh, you know, will to live, really, frankly speaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This whole audience cares. I have good- I've always had strong torque. Oh nice. Especially if I go like three days at least without nutting, I'll fucking supress myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I'm, I'm basically, I'm honestly, uh, looking for really beautiful girls. I know, I just, I like a really beautiful looking girl. And sometimes I'll stumble across, like, a really beautiful girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not crazy, like I said. That's what guys say. I don't wanna know. No, I promise you, I just look for a pretty- I like a beautiful girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, this girl is very popular, Mia, what's her name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, fill it in. You know, she's super popular, she's like a Persian, all these Arab people were super pissed that she was doing porn. Okay. Mia, you guys know, someone you guys know. One of these animals knows. Chime in, help me out. Yeah, Mia Khalifa. Yeah, she's super famous. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, at any rate, she was very popular, a lot, she was huge, and I was not into her. She had a beautiful face, but she had these huge fake titties that were just so wild, they were just so... You didn't like that? I did not, I found it unwatchable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that I was just in a rut. A real, real rut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started seeing therapists, I started taking antidepressants, Lexapro, uhm, big fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It helped me a lot, I kind of really gradually got in a better headspace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to get my head on straight and kind of just know better what I want to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where to put my time and to accept like the limitations of my time. Because I constantly was in a state of just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, frustration and feeling like I had an accomplished thing. At the end of the day I always felt like I hadn't done what I had set out to do that day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this just kept piling up on me and I was just feeling like I wasn't getting anything done. And so I just took a- I took a long break and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it says 3 million, thank you guys, it doesn't acknowledge the rain, they're just thanking everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should, I would, I would ask, I would actually go like to watch their Instagram, but I don't know what their name is and they blurt it out for some reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just find the whole culture so toxic, and I just don't know why, like, for example, Kim Kardashian, 10 years ago we all knew that she was such a shallow, nasty, vapid soul that we all hated. And now today, through whatever phenomenon, we've kind of accepted her culturally and now we all look up to her and praise her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. You know, but she's still a vapid disgusting monster. She is a curse on this, a blight on our society. And I think that everything she stands for should be destroyed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I also actually heard him say something really sweet in Connie's defense. Yeah. He said that he wanted to, he wanted to let Kim shine because it was like her big thing. Okay. So he wanted to dress down so he didn't take attention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it. It looks like she just got bukkake'd. Like there's all these little cum drops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her titties are so fake, they look like so fake. Her whole body looks just, and like in our video we showcased like her photoshopped ass versus her unphotoshopped ass, and it's disgusting, it's freakish, it is so


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gross. But also they photoshop out the cellulite, which is actually not the problem, the cellulite's fine, but her ass, because you see it in her clothing and everyone's like, wants that ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, when you see it outside of the clothing, it's the same thing with fake tits, it looks great in clothing, but when you see it outside, you realize how much of a disaster it is. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, uhm, she has what, ass injections or ass implants? No, implants, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's painful. I was surprised that, because we used to make fun of these people, like when Clueless came out, we were like, these valley girls are obnoxious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And being, and being hotness in a way that's actually not real. Like, you can work, you can even work out and do your best, but you'll never look like him because it's not real. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you pull up, can you pull up Ethan's Instagram though? You know what she invented? She invented, like, uhm, uhm, like, uh, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, white girl who's pretending to be, uh, ethnic. Yeah. This is my favorite thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uncannily like me, but it's completely not me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Patis, yeah. But she made a video in response, uh, crying on her kitchen floor, saying that I was harming young girls. I don't know why she was on her kitchen floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now she does like dramatic photoshops, right? Oh my god, I mean the thumbnails, hers are the best. I said, you know, one of the lines is like, you know, from Beauty Queen, from Coachella to open casket funeral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when she, well, that's what I, I wasn't sure, but when she responded, she was like, went off on Twitter, was saying,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was telling Hila to divorce me. He said, please Hila Klein, she tagged her, do not raise your child to be as ignorant as your husband. I would divorce him ASAP as he was doing so much damage to young women. It's actually sickening. I've never been more disgusted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, I honestly don't know. That wouldn't surprise me though. But uhm, she, she- Go to TrishaPiedusTour.com One day after calling for Hila to divorce me, she asked if she could come on our podcast and then we'll talk about how funny we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On Twitter, you can see. So, she's just, she's a little nuts. I think she, I think deep down she enjoyed it, just the attention, and she was capitalizing on it, and she was enjoying it, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, are there, is there any, if you scroll down, are there actual- Wait, she said Mukbang, scroll up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, go to YouTube and type eating with K. Q-U-E.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's when a girl sits there and has this over-the-top feast, like as much food, and she stuffs herself as much as possible. I've seen this. Yeah, so uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too. Yeah. We all are, I mean, you can't be fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a rarity. That's not, I mean, as a young man, that's how I live my life. I would, I would like to live that way and eat that way, but that's not how I know that I, I, I need to be more responsible than that. But I, a couple times, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I like how it's like, it's never enough, like drinking your urine is one thing, but it's never enough. These guys took it to the next level, they're gonna inhale it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Khalil Sheikh Mohammed's nephew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They gotta take out their frustrations one way or the other. If it's not jihad, it's inhaling urine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, there was a lot of movies back then where black guys went into white skin, like, didn't that happen in trading places? And vice versa. I think there was a balance. I think they were trying to do it in like a sweet, I think they were sweet about it. As sweet as you could be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought they were gonna do like a touching twist where- because they actually showed her on the bridge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so awesome. So, I think this is just the case of an extremely unfunny, uh, overly confident individual. Which I've encountered people like this before. Yep. Uhm, yes. Crazy. Good analogy. Ah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how he's got a bunch of black supporting cast just to make it seem like it's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeremy Saville. I mean, the name itself is pretty... Oh, he's a Saville? Yikes. Saville? Saville? Laquisha itself is a pretty racist name, considering, like, a white guy named it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can even make a video, like an H3 video and pump this guy up, like, get him going. We should probably get points on it though. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's crazy? I grew up in the suburbs of Los Angeles, Ventura. Yes. And I grew up, I almost, I don't think I've ever known a black person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean like growing up? Yeah, I know. Like, yes, I was in, I went to school, elementary school, high school, there was only like a couple of black people in a class of like 500.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in college I went to UCSC, they had a joke. Oh, there's no black people in Santa Cruz? No, I know, and it's not by design, I'm not avoiding black people, I've just never really known a black person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys have been friends with black people? Yeah. How many black people have you known in your life? In my life? Oh gosh. I've had black roommates, man. Holy shit. Yeah. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's that big black cock. She was getting black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is 2XL, I specifically requested a 3XL. Oh. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uh, it's average I'd say, but it's not like, the would you rather was, if you told me today that I would get my vision back, I'd be completely able to see 2020.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got some, uh, huge announcements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, but first of all, everybody who's come out so far, we did two weekends so far, San Francisco, San Diego, and they were bananas. Amazing crowds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Polly, I think next year I'll announce that I'm also bisexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, but people have been just unbelievable. So I just wanna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say thank you to everybody that came out to those shows and let you know here is where we are adding


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're doing a second show at the John Lyman Center for the Performing Arts in New Haven, Connecticut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are adding a fourth show at the Moore Theater in Seattle, Washington.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here is the big one that I, I can't believe this came together. So the Chicago Theater sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm coming back to Chicago June 2nd to do a third show at the Chicago Theater. Those are all on sale beginning Wednesday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this Wednesday, which is January 16th, 10 a.m. local time in each of those markets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, thank you so much, and uh, for the people asking about the other cities, that will first be announced on my email list if you sign up at my website, tomscura.com slash tour. That email will go out in probably, uh, six weeks, and that'll announce the second half of the tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. Who knew you could do it? Who knew? And those will all be, that's gonna be all the Canadian stuff, the rest of the US, New York, LA, all those markets. That's gonna be, uhm, in about six weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before I forget, I don't want to forget, uhm, the store has been, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blown up, thank you so much to all you, for all you guys, uh, supporting the stow. Uhm, there are, of course, the Good Morning Julia shirts in full throttle. There's also Good Morning Julia mugs and Good Morning Julia socks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, in addition to that, we have restocked some of the all-time classics that people love, such as, uh, Just Glassin',


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, piss on me, beat me. Bikes. Bikes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's a few other ones and they've been restocked. So, thank you very much. Those are at MerchMethod.com slash Tom Siguro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. And there it is, Jean. What's gonna happen here? We got our business out of the way. Sure. It's gonna be showtime. Are you ready to get into this? Are you ready to do this show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so sincere. Yeah, he is. I actually think he's a pretty nice guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what's, what is scarier? The guy who's yelling stuff like that guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or a cool, calm, and collected guy who's like, you gotta beat a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's got, let's see what else, I think he's got some other things to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and he's all, I mean, he's going over the Bible right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To me, whenever I go like, I'm gonna read the Bible, I'll think about when I beat women too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, he's doing what he's told.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but now he said, he said like, oh what I do is I'll laugh at her and I'll ignore her and that's how I beat her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, sure, yeaah. I think he was trying to make a point that like, you can beat someone emotionally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, walk away, but he said there's a way to beat your woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really fun when they yell Hitler when you walk on stage. It's still a really cool thing to hear. They say, hey Hitler! I'm like, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course! You're at the comedy store on a Tuesday night, packed main room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then somebody just as the applause dies goes, Hey Hitler! You're like, dude, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it here, and I just wanted to say that, but I wanted to point something out. It's not just that I love it here, you love it here. The fans love it here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have never seen anything like this. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100% positive feedback on the new set. That was something that I didn't expect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeah, I'm glad that everybody feels like it's a home run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, as somebody pointed out was that, uh, they thought I didn't control the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That have, uh, changed, and uhm, that's just the way it goes. You know, one of the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the things that happened was that people were sending in comments and I asked our great production staff here to pull some of the comments about the new set. Great, I'd love to hear. You'd like to hear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, my reaction to this new studio is the same as the decapitated German Shepherds reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This set is somewhat both a McDonald's and a 1980s finished basement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The new studio looks like a library that sells VHS tapes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely a green screen behind Tom. This might actually be a joke. I hope it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here, alright, let's just get straight up, tell people clean what happened. So, we're gonna come over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're going to build a set, and uhm, you know, all of our agents and stuff know about it. So I get this call, uhm, a few months ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one of my agents goes, hey, how do you feel about working with McDonald's? And I said, like, I don't feel one way or the other about it, honestly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, yea, it's great, but at the time, I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, well...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, someone over there, they like the show, they're fans, uhm, would you consider having them, uh, help decorate the new set?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] McDonald's throw $100,000 at me and just go like, oh, now they pick the color scheme, you know? He's like, fair enough, I, you know, that's fair. And I figure that's that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was part of the intention that they had. Well, he calls me back a week later, unprompted. We haven't had any kind of more conversations about it. He said, hey, McDonald's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wants to know, I thought we, I thought we already talked about this. He said, uh, they'll give you $250,000. And I go, dude, I'm not like, I'm not doing that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I don't hear from him for, uh, this time, like, I don't know, three or four weeks more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this time, now the layout is picked and there's already a design coming. He calls me up and he goes, hey, I know this sounds crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know McDonald's and I go again with the McDonald's? He goes, how does 2.3 million dollars sound?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do they want to do? He's like, they want to design the set and then you guys get like free McDonald's all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, do they dictate, like, uh, you know, are they gonna pick out what we can talk about and stuff? And he's like, no. He's like, go hardcore. You know? Just let McDonald's have a little fuckin' day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really like to keep it simple. Cheeseburgers, fries, chicken nuggets. Especially if you're drunk, they ask us not to say that. But, if you're drunk, it's even better. Oh, fuck yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, some in very insulting ways. One in such a way that I didn't even feel comfortable, uh, repeating it. So I had it, uhm, recorded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what somebody, uh, messaged me about our new set. You got a McDonald's nigga? And, uh, I don't know what tone that is. Is that complimentary?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's celebratory. Like, you did this thing. Good for you. So, the answer is, yeaah, I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot to, uh, celebrate and I hope that everybody's, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All that we want. It's so good. It's so good, I know. It really is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been a long time, but now I feel like it's going to be a regular part of my diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me just tell, uh, some other, address one other thing about the new setup here. Some people were really flipping out about, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How everything's working, just give it a second, man. Things will change, you know, like. Right. Some people flipped out, it's like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're trying things out. Like today for instance, you know, we have tech things going on. Today, if you're watching the show,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You won't see us picture in picture. We have some type of glitch. Right. So you're gonna see the videos full frame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. You might end up liking that. Maybe we'll end up doing it. Who knows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we might even do some things where we'll take some of you guys out to McDonald's, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe like a cool, maybe like we'll do a road, a live, your mom's house, and then we'll take everyone to McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the wonderful people at Sattva, if you listened last week, uhm, were kind enough


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we put out a call to the listeners and we asked you guys to tell us why you deserve a free


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A luxury mattress and an aluminum leaf memory foam mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you have to tell us why you bombarded the email account with so many submissions. These guys had to filter through, I don't know, more than a hundred or two hundred, you said? And uhm, yeaah, a lot. Yeaah. So, uh, these are your selects of some of the best ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, I guess we can, should we just watch them in succession? Let them rip?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we stop after each one? Sure. Okay. Alright, let's, let's, let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very clever, well done, and also tugged at the heartstrings a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so far so good. I mean, I would say that Trey-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really got some points there. Yeaah. Yeaah. That was yeaah. Steve and Sarah. Sure. Big points for going shirtless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty great. That's pretty great. Yep. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Wow. She nailed it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, very creative. Very talented people out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And again, like when they, when he shows you the, uh, horrific mattress. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, do you think that, alright, so uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I like this as well, I was gonna vote for the last guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, here's what I'm gonna, I dunno. Uhm, yeaah, I vote for, so who do you vote for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's points for that. True. Well it sounds like you both voted for that girl then. Right? Yea. Alright, there it is. There's two people. They won. Hey! Those are our winners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for, uhm, participating in that fun giveaway. That was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's empty now. There's nothing in the chamber. I mean, I gotta say, if I had had what I had, uhm, last week, or like this morning last week, it would have been so epic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was actually, I will say, and I give you full credit, okay, I'm not trying to share the credit, I give you full credit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people were celebrating as they were knocking the studio design.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honestly, if I could go back, I wouldn't have even farted in it the first time. It was such a minuscule fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so insignificant and to me the fart mic should be reserved for huge impact farts only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. That fart last week was so like, it was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't think so. I'm not gonna grab this thing every time I have to fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what the fart mic is for. When you heard what I did in the, at home today, in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was amazing. That was amazing. That's something that I would share.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm hearing. I'm gonna be selective. I wouldn't say it's lazy at all. I'm gonna say...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna grab that fart mic when I feel like, ooh, this is, this is something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm not just gonna do it for any, like, I broke the mold here, I christened it, but it was with a, it was a lame fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that I'm more critical of myself than other people are. I'm a perfectionist. I want it to be a certain level. So yeaah, I'm sure people out there were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very nice of you, but I don't feel that way. Okay. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Just didn't, I don't, I don't, I didn't feel like it today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last week, one of my favorite moments when we had Donegan on, was when you and I just looked at each other. Yeah, that could have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very, very funny. Well, I can tell you something that will probably blow your mind. And that is that I was actually told to dial back my water drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was over at, uh, that diagnostics, like, blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were like, you need, you're hydrating too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what I've been doing is I just pick a window of time to hydrate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, what you did in that video while, sure, it looks, it looks like it's impressive.