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[Assistant] George's face oils on the bathroom sink with some Q-tips.


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[Assistant] And you're not in your bible, and you're not praying, how are you supposed to have faith? You can't have faith without works. And if you don't have faith, you can't go to heaven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? Oh, inside? Yea, inside. Alright. Okay. Is there a problem with being here, Woodberry?


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[Assistant] Alright, well I'll shut the camera off I guess when I go in there.


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[Assistant] Alright, I hope you're not breaking any certain rules by blocking if you do block. Could cost you a job, imagine. I was gonna get one of them white signs, I'm gonna try to, uh, support Danker. You guys have those here?


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[Assistant] See how dirty this country is, Obama? On your watch. Cock sucking fuck.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna have to go, I think Fedsmoker. See? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. So what he's saying is that Jews are anti-Semitic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. That all the J's, I mean, maybe half the J's here are anti-semitic, but like... And also he leads with...


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[Assistant] Uh, just that I'm really lucky that, uh, it sounds like I'm gonna be able to get a vaccine pretty soon. Uh huh. Cause I am technically severely obese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was gonna lose some weight, but now I think I'm gonna hold that off for a bit. Until I can get healthy again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm actually right on the cusp, like, it's, cause I lied a little bit on my drivers license saying I'm 5'10", so if I plug in that number, I'm not severely obese. But if I plug in 5'9", my real height, I'm like, like .1% away from severely obese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you have to prove your BMI? Like how does that work? It's a very good question, cause I just looked up, I just saw that on March 15th, severely obese people can now get it at any age range. And then I looked up what is severely obese. And that's a BMI of 40.0. Shit. Yeah. And so I was just like, let's just plug things in, let's see where I stand. Stand really close to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Size of over 40 inches for men and 35 inches for women. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, I look big, but like, when you look at me, you're like, aw, severely obese, that's not, I'd say just very obese, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like you're adjusting someone who's just overweight, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I've always been a little chunky, maybe around 3rd grade is when all that started. Oh really? 3rd grade? That was really cute before then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you said you don't like seeing videos where it looks like, where you could see the people getting hurt real bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm kinda like, uh, I kinda have like, Burt's body when it comes to that. If I like, actually stick to something, I could lose, I dunno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could probably get out of severe obesity within a couple weeks. You could definitely get out of that. No, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. This is just, you know, this is just my vaccine wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, March 15th, after you get your vaccine, that's when you can go back on your diet. Exactly.


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[Assistant] Like, I mean pizza's in my diet right now because I'm trying to get healthy, but...


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[Assistant] It's rough, right? It's the coolest feeling in the world.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm not one of those psychos that uses memories or thoughts to jerk off to.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like there's like some perfect over the shoulder shots. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's just like, perfect. Like how that other one was like, you know. Everyone's staying quiet. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still have a temper, but I'm not, I don't walk around just angry. Which has been this big lift.


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[Assistant] For my wife, I, I hope. Because I was not easy to deal with. Enough with your fucking personal shit, I can tell you. Well for sure.


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[Assistant] She actually looks like, you know, when they used to do those shows where it was the nerdy chick, they just put a hot actress in glasses, and you can see she's like, I mean, obviously this is like the porn star version of it. Maybe you could do that. You could do like the porn star version of that. Hey, why don't we get-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big titted porn star to sit in with a shocked look on her face, wearing glasses. And the whole time she has to have her mouth open. Yes. Otherwise it doesn't count. Tell her it's good exposure.


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[Assistant] No, I did mine, I worked totally clean, because they had that archaic beep, is what they were using, and then I did his little amount of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a, oh. Because I knew I didn't, I didn't have the final edit. Right. So I'm not gonna give this, I saw guys do like 40, 50 minutes and it's like, dude, you don't even know if this person knows you or understands your act so now they can just turn it into a mess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, they needed like what, 22 minutes? Yep. You had to do at least 26. I did 26. So all they did was they just took a bit out. So that worked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then I worked like totally clean, cause it's like, well if you're gonna beep it, then I'm, I'll figure out how to just, just do it clean. Which was sort of a fun exercise, it's not who I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it didn't, uh, it didn't do anything. HBO and getting on Opie and Anthony at the same time when I was covering for Jim was the first thing that got me like East Coast markets and San Francisco and a little bit in Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a few, but it was like mostly, like San Francisco was HBO, the whole east coast, the whole tri-state. HBO because that was a special. Yeah, but I mean, but Opie and Anthony, I don't think they were that big in San Francisco, but all of like, Opie and Anthony got me like tri-state area up to Boston, out to like Cleveland and down to like DC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the second I got into Virginia, it just, there was nothing, nothing. Virginia all the way down to Miami.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the way across Tex-Mex, Arizona, that was all a wasteland and Colorado, HBO special helped me. Like when they would like those really like nerdy comedy towns, nerdy in a good way, uh, I think they actually saw the specials and then, um, like the blue collar.


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[Assistant] Sort of northern cities was Opie and Anthony. And then I just wasn't on anything that like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, southern or southwest. Yeaah. And a lot of the Midwest we're gonna see. You know what I mean? Like they just sorta existed on different, uh, circles. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Well, I was so far down the road as a comic by the time I got that. What that got me was acting work. Okay. Did you have fun doing it? It's so dope to watch. Well, there's a guy over there, Gary Marcus, who I first worked with on a Mike Binder film called Black or White.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's just one of those guys you can just tease him and he loves it. So the running gag the whole day is just basically, you know, how he still has a career. He's great at what he does. It's just a total joke. And people like listening to me making fun of him. So I actually look forward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of the day, I feel like if I'm not asking like what's going on in this scene, it's just me trashing him while they're setting up another scene and making people laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he got me with something. I didn't get the joke because I didn't see the movie. My character had to run up this hill. And then they played that song from The Lion King and the whole crew laughed at me. We have a blast when we're on that thing. That's cool. How long did it take to shoot that episode? Like that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, god I forget. I don't know. It was, it's over a week.


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[Assistant] But I totally lucked out because it's Jon Favreau who totally knows what he's doing and it's like, they, you know,


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[Assistant] Whatever your favorite movie is, just imagine if you got control of an aspect of it with his skills. Yeaah. So him and his running partner, I just spaced out his name, I like total... Filoni? Yeaah. Dave Filoni? Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. I got so deep. Big hockey guy, right? Into that. So they...


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[Assistant] Love, you know, Star Wars and all that, so they get to do it. Like I would say the way they rebooted the Karate Kid, where you could tell that first season, I go, these guys love this movie, they're filling in all this background stuff. So that was really exciting. And then I lucked out in a second way, it was Rick Fami Iwa was the director.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, he wanted to do like a reservoir dog sort of style thing with like these bounty hunter guys, uh, and women. And it was like, uhm, you know, the whole thing just kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't even know how the hell, like, all of my whole friggin' careers, like, I don't even know how the hell it, like, I just lucked out. What? Oh, Mike Binder, I went to Mike Binder's birthday party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And John was there and he said, Hey, you know, we're writing this thing. We kind of have you in mind. You want to do it? Oh my God. Yeah. And I was like, I don't know, John, I kind of, I've teased Star Wars people a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'll do it, but like, there's this misconception that I truly hated it. I just was hating on it as a comic. Yea, it's a bit almost. Yea, you see a thousand people excited about something. Sure. You're gonna make fun of it. Pro wrestlers, sure. Yea, it's just doing that. That's all I was doing, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then I, I got there and uh, you know, it's just fun to work on something. It's so good man. That, that's, but it's, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like that big. Oh god. Like they got this thing called like the volume.


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[Assistant] Where they shoot this thing and I don't even understand the technology. They close all the wall, all the walls all around you. And then...


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[Assistant] My, that's been my whole acting career. Yeah? Is I get like five lines on something. That's amazing. That's, yeah. Yeah, you were in Breaking Bad. Chapelle Show. Chapelle Show, Jesus. I have no business being in, I just paratroop in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a couple of episodes. And then everybody else does all the work, writes it, and all the stars of the show make it huge. And now I'm in the background. Page of good. To Mr. Herman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good place to be, Bill. No, it is. No, it's, believe me, if I can just keep doing that and just do my stand-up stuff and my, uh, my podcast, like, you know, I'm cool, because it gives me plenty of time to hang with, you know, my wife and kids, so that's all that matters.


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[Assistant] I don't know what I am. I'm still figuring it. No, actually, I actually finally figured myself out.


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[Assistant] Because, how the fuck do I know what it's gonna do for you? Okay, that's alright. You might be one of those people in one of those high school film scripts I used to watch who thinks they can fly and jumps off a building. I don't know. No, I just took some and uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It got me in touch with why I became a comedian. Because I didn't have like a good trip. I didn't have a good trip, but in a good way. It let me know.


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[Assistant] It let me know why I always walked around saying I hate myself. I figured the whole- You figured that out? Figured it all out. I now know everything that I did, good or bad, my whole life. I know why I did it. I know why I drank the way I did, why it ended up getting me out of control. I know the whole fucking thing.


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[Assistant] It was mind-blowing because it was right there, but because of pain and stuff you just block it all out. And, uh, what I have found with a lot of things is a lot of things happen to you when you were a kid.


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[Assistant] You know, your idea of your childhood and the adults in your life, their idea of your childhood, neither one of them is true. It's somewhere in the middle. Where you were putting so much on it because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your home life. That was your whole universe. And then they're out there working, doing whatever, or your teacher, you know, who said whatever, was struggling to pay bills. Like to them, it was such a smaller thing. That's why when kids confront


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, ah, I never did that, they don't even remember it. Sure. Not in a mean way, so, and I think that I was actually like, you know, I think I put too much on a lot of things, where they put maybe too little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, whoever the people were in my life or whatever issue. And uhm, and now being a parent, you know, I just, I, I get real uhm,


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[Assistant] I think one of my strengths as a parent is remembering like what it was like to be a kid. Yeah. Cause like my daughter was putting on something and she didn't want to wear it.


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[Assistant] My wife was like, you're fine, you're fine, you're fine. And I said, well, that's a huge deal. You can't go to school not liking what you're wearing because that's going to get in your head. Cause you remembered. Well, that's going to get in your head. You're going to carry yourself a certain way and that's going to attract the sharks. You gotta be, you gotta be going to school feeling good about yourself. Especially if you had orange hair and freckles.


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[Assistant] I think as long as your kid respects you but isn't afraid of you,


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[Assistant] And if you actually say like, yeah, I shouldn't have done that, that's a big thing for him. Cause like my kids are not afraid of me in a good way.


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[Assistant] In a good way. Sometimes that backfires, like my daughter one time was doing something.


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[Assistant] And I was saying, you can't do that, okay? I told you not to do it and you did it. And she goes, yeah, but, she goes, but dad, that was funny. And I had to be like,


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[Assistant] I gotta own up. It was funny ago, but you still, you shouldn't do it. So I think she had a difficult time with the fact that I, I, I agreed that it was funny. But I, I got a kick out of the fact I was like, oh, she was going for the joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It just lit me up. Well the thing is, and it's also like, you know.


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[Assistant] I think they know when they should be yelled at. Yeah, they do, kind of. They do. Cause I did. I remember, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom used to, you know, she was the one that dealt out the punishment. She had like a paddle and shit and like, I looked, I was like, like I deserved every fucking one of those. It was only like one or two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna go on, it was the quickest way for me as a shy, loner type person to go on into a room, get everybody to know me and like me and then nobody hurts me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just that. It was as simple as that. You're gonna like me, yeah, he's a good guy, and then I can fucking relax.


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[Assistant] Cause I was sorta stuck in the fight or flight mode, as most kids were of, uh, I think, uhm, when I grew up. Like it was a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it was an interesting time. You just sent your kids outside, which you would never do. I mean, I live in a city, so I wouldn't do that. But back, you know, living in the suburbs, they just sent you outside and then you ran into other kids. And if they were bigger kids, they would just do shit to you. Break your toys, beat you up, throw rocks at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make you run as they shot bow and arrows at you. Remember the kid who used to make his run? He would shoot this fucking arrow up in the air. Like a real arrow. Fuck. And you'd get caught in the wind and you'd try to get out of the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he'd be like, alright, you come back, now you and you, get out there. And he would do, it was just like his entertainment. Uhm, just shit like that. I mean, that's how that whole, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that F is for Family thing came about was I, when I first told those stories on stage, people laughed and then somewhere along the line, parenting changed. And those kids grew up and all those laughs turned into like, aww, aww, and it was really frustrating. Uhm, to get, I guess, emotionally supported.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As opposed to people laughing, so then I, I was just like, so I just sort of put them away, but I knew they were funny.


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[Assistant] And I also knew that that way of living didn't totally go away.


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[Assistant] That there's still kids doing shit to each other or whatever and, uh, so that's what we-


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[Assistant] Figured out, you know, I'm watching South Park. It's like, well how far these guys are going? I'm going nowhere near this. I bet I can get away with these stories if I animate them. So that was the deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, dude. Yeah, if I could just, like, you know...


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[Assistant] My wife doesn't get that about me. I go, there's a big part of me that could literally just sit on a back porch and stare at the trees for the rest of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I feel like everything I've been through, which I'm not gonna get into, I, I just, I, I need like, quiet. And uhm, I think like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What we, what we do is loud. You know, heckling and all this shit, traveling and getting through. We have a very, you know, full flight, blah, blah, blah, all of that type of stuff, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm, I'm, you know, you know some guys get off stage and they want to keep it going? Yeah, we both work with one. Yeah, go, go to the, uh, the VIP office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I don't think with Bird it's a bad thing. Bird has such like a good heart, I feel like. He does. He wants everyone to have a good heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I am one of those people that like, through my whole career, I was always the guy that like, if there was a dive bar, that I could go to with a bunch of old people in there and they had no idea about anything. Yeah, that's your spot. Oh yeah, that was absolutely my spot and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you get that when you get home? Cause I always find when you get home, your wife's so sick of dealing with the kids. It's like, aaaand, here you go! So I try to get prepared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just always in the dog house, it's just, you can't like, I don't know, but we have such funny fights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have such fucking hilarious fights now, cause I'm not angry anymore, you know? I still have a temper, but I'm not, I don't walk around just angry. Which has been this big lift.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For my wife, I, I hope. Uh, cause I was not easy to deal, or enough with your fucking personal shit, I can tell you. Well for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, you know when your wife asks you, this decision's already made. Yes. So, but she knows she can't make the decision on her own, so she's coming over for you to just agree with her. So I didn't agree with her, I was just like, no, I don't want to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, well, why not? I was just thinking, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I was just like, nah, I just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't make sense to me, I think we can handle this, we don't need an outside person, blah blah blah, for this, this little thing, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she just kept going, so, so, so what are you saying? Which is hilarious. You speak English, you heard what I just said. Dude, over and over and over again. And then she kept saying her point or whatever. And in my head, I'm going like, I've already lost. I know it's gonna go her way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But just as an experiment, let me just stick to this and see what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I understand your point and I don't want to do it. It was something we needed both people to approve. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she goes, so you don't want to do it. She just kept doing it. So what do you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to do it? You just kept doing that and I just stuck with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, fine. And I said, okay, thank you. Then she got up and she walked out, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About a half hour later, 20 minutes later, she comes back in the room to get something and put something down and she's just doing it really fucking loud, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm just looking at her, and then as she walks out of the room, she just so walks out of the room, she just goes like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gives me this look, and dude, I just fucking bursted out laughing, like I couldn't stop laughing. And she's like, what, what? And I, I just cry, and I go, you're mad at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you sitting and saying all of that. So I just laughed my whole way through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said, you know, do it the way you want to do it. And that was just how it ended. And then the next morning she came down to me unsolicited and said, hey, you know what? We don't have to do that. I thought about it, blah blah blah blah. And I was just like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. Alright, yeaah, and that's kinda how it works. I've learned you can't argue with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they can do that all fucking day and they're just gonna wear you down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes them look at themselves. It's fucking weird. And if they're not 100% on it...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that they maybe think like, well I need to save.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This card, that we're just gonna do what I want, or else he's gonna think that it's not balanced. So, or maybe the fact that I just wasn't an asshole for once, being like, you know what a fucking cigarette is, you know, what the fuck, even fucking ass, if you do that, that gets you nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but your idea of like what's funny. Come on, man. So this is a- You're into like comedy roadkill. Nooo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The decomposing, the decomposing possums of jokes. Dude, I still remember that fucking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. That's what it is. Yeah, it is. Yeah, he's a hurt child. Yes. Yes. And then Tom goes, oh, I see the comedy in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really do dude, you look like, oh by the way, you were fucking great in that Steve Byrne movie. Oh thanks man. The cop dude, you were fucking great in that. Thank you. I went to the premiere, you got a huge lapse. Oh thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well, if you're actually gonna, if you're not just gonna, like, shoot it on your iPhone and do it yourself. Absolutely. Yeah, it's, it's, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That wasn't that bad a jump. It's from a roof though. That's a one story house. That guy's clumsy as shit. And he's wearing like rain boots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, by the way, I vowed I would never watch yours. Yeah. And, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that guy, uh, uh, Crime Faces posted it. Oh yeaah. And I was watching it going, I have to say, I was like, oh yeaah, it looks like Tom's Crime. I was just, oh my god dude. I never want to see that again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't watch Bones Break. I can't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And they sort of step it on the side. Yeah, yeah. That's what it looks like. I can't. When they, when they go, they don't even know and they go back to put their leg down to support. Oh, it is rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this why you had me here today, just so you could just shit on Bert Kreischer? You almost had me say his name wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that killed, that killed him. That's as bad as that guy's next tattoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he watches hockey, because some of those guys with the Finnish names, they get a little, trying to guess how you say them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do. Yeah. Wait, I don't know. Why's your head tilted at that angle? Just to see what you'll take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I realized why I was getting fucked up. I was like, oh, I gotta fix this. So. I like this version of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do too. It's a lot lighter. It's easier. And uh, I don't come off as such a cunt on stage now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know, you're listeners, I'm sure. Oh yeah, they're super offended. I can tell, you know, they're pro women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all woke, they're peter lovers, you got this fucking decapitated dog behind you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of those guys. Those guys all used to do all of their own stunts. I remember, uh, Schwarzenegger jumping on the hood of that car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clint Eastwood jumped onto that bus in, uh, Dirty Harry. Yeah. Yeah. I just watched all the Dirty Harrys. Are they good? I've never seen one. Well, the first one's the classic. And then each one has something that, that- That you grew up with watching them though, right? Uh, yeah, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been watching a bunch of stuff from the 70s. I watched this Dustin Hoffman film. I've been talking about my podcast called Straight Time. You should check that out. Good. It might be my favorite Dustin Hoffman movie. And I love that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did I watch? Uhm, I'd seen it before, the French Connection, which is- I gotta watch that again because I was actually watching a thing on the mobster that started that French Connection. This guy was a billionaire in the 70s. God. Oh no! Maybe in the 60s. Bringing in-


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[Assistant] All of this heroin and stuff. And the guy was, it was Carmine the cigar.


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[Assistant] Something or other. And when he gets rubbed out, when he gets fucking whacked,


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[Assistant] He dies with a cigar in his mouth. It's so fucking cinematic. It's ridiculous. Like in real life, right? Yeaah. Yeaah. I know exactly. He got killed in that.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, he was at a back yard like a restaurant area, but like that guy put together, I don't know, I think the amount of money that he made, I think they were afraid to ever make a movie that like, you know, there's those movies where like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That back in the day when they made those movies, they couldn't say, like, early on you watch, they wouldn't say, like, uhm, like the Untouchables, they would never say Mafia. Yes. Right? Through Godfather, they wouldn't say Mafia. And then if you look at, like, uh, uhm,


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[Assistant] I think it was Casino. Was that the one they kept saying our friends in Kansas City? Yea, that's exactly right. Like I heard they were talking about a different city, but they didn't want any trouble, so they just said Kansas City. Mhm. So uhm. Yea, cause that had the Kansas City scenes too, Casino.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well if you read the real ones, you see the state that it came from. Oh really? Yeah, I don't want to fucking...


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[Assistant] Those guys were, uh, those guys were no fucking joke. No. No joke. All of that shit, and I just like, I always watch those things, they're so fascinating to me. But I tell you, as nuts as they are, like when, like, uh, some of the stuff, the cartels like that.


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[Assistant] Fuckin' blow up schools. Did you hear? I heard that they went down.


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[Assistant] To scout for one of those Narcos shows in Mexico and the guy scouting locations got killed.


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[Assistant] It's just like, yea, that, that, that is an, it's almost like this is an active volcano. Yea. You're not doing it, even though they're like, hey, we're doing like a period piece about, it's like this shit is happening like right now. Right now.


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[Assistant] Dude, that's like, uh, who was that mass murderer back, was it Ivan the Terrible or something like that? Oh, Vlad? Vlad the Impaler? Yeah, Vlad the Impaler. Yeah. And he had this guy over and he had all these people impaled and he wanted to eat. Take their eyeballs. No, you want to eat dinner with this guy and the guy goes, come on man, how can we eat with all this stuff going on? And then he fucking impaled him for asking.


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[Assistant] I mean, who says, I would not say shit to that guy. Fuck.


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[Assistant] Uhm, cause some of the dis- the capabilities that people have to do stuff like that to one another is just fucking-


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[Assistant] That's hilarious. That's their version of hosting a game show. Like, you know, like you wanted to get in to win an Oscar, do some good work, and you just, eh, fuck it, just do the game show. Like, eh, fuck it, I'll just work for the cartel. I'll kill people.


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[Assistant] Blaming the first time, oh, it was the most painful thing ever.


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[Assistant] Then after a couple, two, three, you can kind of have your composure. It's like one of those things you don't want to get, uh, good at. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but then I also gotta think like, I bet those guys don't worry about what if the dollar collapses. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I mean I had covid bombs the first time you do a parking lot and even if they're laughing you can't hear it and it kind of messes with your timing.


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[Assistant] Oh, last bad bomb I had, I was in New York.


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[Assistant] Carolines. And he has a predominantly African American crowd. And I went up there and I did the Michelle Obama bit. After I had done my Michael Jackson bit. And he was, he was the only one laughing in the room. And they were just staring at me. Really.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Cause like, I forget what it was. It was talking about that.


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[Assistant] Video, that thing that came out where it was just like...


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[Assistant] I think they were anticipating that I was going to say Michael Jackson was a pedophile.


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[Assistant] And I wasn't. I just, someone was going, hey, did you see that Michael Jackson documentary? Did you watch it? The joke was, and I was like, no.


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[Assistant] He's like, why not? I go, I'm not watching testimony of, of, you know, pedophile testimony. It's like my entertainment. Yeah. Was the joke that you, you're sitting down there acting like you cared. That's how you filled your evening. Right. By watching people be like,


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[Assistant] It was just, the whole thing was fucking ridiculous. I just was making fun of the fact. That they, she celebrated, right? No, that, that, that, when did first ladies start acting like they got elected? Right, right, right. Cause that was the thing. Yes.


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[Assistant] And the way everybody was falling all over themselves, uhm, like,


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[Assistant] Because they were democrats, that means they didn't have the same dirty oil money in their back pocket to go buy a mansion on Martha's Vineyard. Which is where they all end up. And then they all go out, and they all go on this speech tour. Right? And they get paid like 5, 3, 5, 400 fucking grand a fucking night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give a speech to the person that they, the group that they hooked up. It's, it's, they're just washing the bribe money. Yeah. And, and my joke used to be they're up there going, uh, you know, thousand points of light, don't leave any kids behind, you know, and they're in the crowd, the crowd's not even listening, they're eating like a deep fried eagle. Yeah.


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[Assistant] During this stupid fucking time of, uh, you know, not holding corporations accountable for polluting the ocean, but if you tell the wrong joke in a strip mall.


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[Assistant] You didn't even hear it. Yea, and then at that point the comedian's the victim. Right. Cause you're not supposed to film us. Sure. So it's like, well get mad at the person that filmed it and your fucking index finger that clicked on it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's, it's so fucking, look, do I get a, whatever, we just watched some shit here, right? Did I get offended? I wasn't at any of those things, you know what I mean? Like, oh, I fell off a fire escape. How could you post this video?


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[Assistant] I don't even, I don't even like, I don't even understand what the fucking problem is. Yeah. It's like you're at home.


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[Assistant] It's such bullshit and then they sit there and they, they, they, they actually


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[Assistant] Like, they're using oppressed people to show how great they are, how great, how much I care. None of them are involved. No. Just sitting around tweeting and blah blah blah.


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[Assistant] I thought that all that bullshit, uh, that, that shit with the...


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[Assistant] I'm not, just let's not name names. There was a certain guy, he booked a comedy festival, and did something he shouldn't have done, he was 100% in the wrong, but the people that should have been offended handled it in house or whatever from what I heard, and then it was just a bunch of bitter comics.


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[Assistant] Because they didn't get into the festival. Not one of them said, oh I can't believe you used that word. That's so painful to this other group of people. Every one of their tweets was about themselves. Right. And it was just like, you guys are fucking ambulance chasers.


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[Assistant] And you're sitting there acting like you're, you're making, uh, I don't know, the whole thing is just gross. Yeah. It's gross. It's gross. It's like, yeah, it's like, I'm just fucking, you know, and commenting


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[Assistant] You must be like clairvoyant. I mean, I get the thing when there's like a zillion accusations. Sure. Like that's when it's just like, you know, where there's smoke, there's fire. And then I also understand, you know, uh, so much time's gone by, so there's no evidence. What the fuck are you going to do here? Like I get a lot of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like this whole thing is, is like, uh, I don't know, it's getting down to like analogies.


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[Assistant] Your analogy doesn't fit my politics. So therefore, we're gonna get it going! I know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then the weird thing too is like, they say somebody's cancelled and then they're still selling all these tickets. Of course they are. What it really means is your agent left. You realize that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and then they do like tabloid journalism where they then put a ridiculous headline. Yeah, of course. And they put that in quotes and you go, well yeah, if I just read that. So and so says killing babies. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Alright? Yeah, like that's how hot it is. It's so hot. I've been to, I've gone to races and shit. One of the best things is bringing your cooler in. It's gotta be. It's fucking amazing. And you get fucked up. No, that's that bullshit they want them to all go up to the beer stand. And buy their beer. And buy it, yeah.


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[Assistant] Well, this is the thing, I mean, this guy is, he's, he's right. I love his, he loves racing so much he still does.


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[Assistant] He's not gonna come back. You gotta, I mean, that is literally part...


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[Assistant] Well, if you really want, I'm in, well, F1 is finally good this year. Uh huh. Cause, uh, Lewis Hamilton, the guy's fucking amazing. Ridiculous. I tease him all the time when I podcast. He's always crying about something. Uhm.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the guy can't win enough, but that's why he's also great, but he's also like, this is the first year Mercedes is having problems with their car.


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[Assistant] Like, uh, the last couple years, Marc Marquez and Andres De Vizioso had a couple of races where they passed each other like three times in the final lap. It was, it was, it's nuts.


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[Assistant] I don't know, they have like airbags and shit when they let go somehow, like...


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[Assistant] I saw one race, this guy got excited, he won the race, and he was just all excited, and he sat off his fucking ear. Really? Yea. Well, I mean, it's not like he doesn't get like a big Michelin guy, but like...


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[Assistant] They're already like stiff suits, yeaah, so then it becomes like difficult, I think, more difficult to ride the bike. Jesus. But uh, yeaah. Good times. I like this guy. Let him bring that coolish, you fucking cheap cunts. How much money do you have to make? Your yacht's not big enough?


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[Assistant] What's this in the bathroom? You big titted animal.


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[Assistant] Hey Nina, my name is Tom. I'm here with my dad.


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[Assistant] And he keeps going on and on and on about how much he loves your cake.


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[Assistant] And he actually just recently, sad to say, got hit by a semi truck when he was crossing the road.


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[Assistant] And uhm, he's not doing so well. So I was thinking to maybe cheer him up. He can talk to you for a second and just say hello and tell you how much he loves your cake.


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[Assistant] Oh, that would be awesome. Do you think like maybe you can do a cake that's like a identification card of a girl who's above 18 that says Queen's above 18?


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[Assistant] I know he has like a following on that kids app where they dance or something. I think it's TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, definitely. It's at the King's Queens above 18. If you want to check that out.


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[Assistant] Yeah, just give me a few days, let me figure out what we can do, and uh, yeaah, I'll get back to you. Bob, say goodbye! Have a beautiful day, and I will talk to you later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, I'm not gonna name his name, but he was running the open mic, he's like, bro, you gotta change this. He's like, nobody's gonna be able to.


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[Assistant] Right, did you consider? Dude, I like, I went, this is like two, three weeks into doing stand-up. I was like, yea, and he's like, you know, he said Jamie Foxx, you know, he's like, you know, Jamie Foxx, that's not his real name, right? So he's like, you gotta, you gotta make it, you know, go like with like Sean or something. And I'm like, yea, maybe I can go by like Sean. Yea, Sean works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, I, I had for a second, like, uh, I, I started being like, okay, maybe I'll, I'll say Sean, am I, I was still living at home at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And my sister, my sister was like, yo, what is, who is Sean Pride?


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[Assistant] I was like, I just googled, what does Sean mean in Hindi? And Sean is like, and I'm like, okay, maybe that'll play homage to that. And then Aisha, my sister was like, this is the dumbest thing. What are you doing?


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[Assistant] How did you tell people early on that like, you were bilingual? Like, was all of that just insane to people? Or even like, your upbringing, Christina? Me? Yea, were people like, you're what?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean. Bro, it's so embarrassing. I bet, I mean. She saw my like set list, my jokes were whacked too, and she's like, what is this? That's amazing. You guys ever talk about that? Yeah, she clowns me so hard. So she can't, like when she comes to shows, and when she like sees me do late night and stuff, she's like, you're such a loser.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, it's the, well people don't know, it's the first 5-10 minutes. Hey, I'm Hasan. What? Hasan? No, it's Hasan. What? Like, you just wanna be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause you just want to get to the conversation. But the whole conversation has the interlude up top. You know how like albums used to have these? And you're like, yo, skip track. I don't need the interlude.


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[Assistant] My parents are here in this show. But then, but then when the whole Hassan thing happened, my mom was just like, you know, she just doesn't, she was just like, what's going on? You know, so I was like, what are we doing? Cause I always had this thing, I was like, oh, if I make it, then we'll figure it out. And I'm like, what am I, what am I waiting for? What are we doing? This is a perfect segue.


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[Assistant] There's one mortgage payment, right? There's not multiple mortgage payment. There's not multiple holiday presents. Right. And it's also about like, you know how like people are like, oh, you should learn self control and planking and all that. That's the original emotional plank.


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[Assistant] Going at it next door. And I can hear it all. And this is back on landlines. He's calling me on a landline. He's like, dude, I gotta get out of here. And I was just, I remember in my mind, I was like, thank God my parents


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[Assistant] Which is such a weird thing to think, wish, hope for. So to answer your question, all day. All day. All day.


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[Assistant] He takes out that tooth, we kinda patch it up a little bit, and we do what we have to do.


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[Assistant] I feel like. I feel like, yea, Michelle wasn't super hard on me. Yea, that was fine. That's one day, that's when my parents were like, alright, this is kinda...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, that was cool, but yeah, that was cool. Yeah, at that point they were, they were, they were cool with it. But I remember like trying to, you know, I'm like, I'm featuring for Russell Peters. Did you get?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember I bought tickets cause he was coming to the US to do like his first theater tour and I bought tickets. I drove from Sacramento to LA. He performed at Royce Auditorium or something at UCLA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will, I will show clips, this is why we can't take ourselves seriously, I will show clips of like the five greatest comedians of all time to my friends that I grew up with. And these are successful people, they run the world, like work at a hedge fund, you know, like top lawyer, blah blah blah, be like this is George Carlin, they're like bro why is he sad and why does he have a rat tail?


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[Assistant] I remember, I didn't have crazy neighbors, but I remember the first apartment that I moved into. I had just gotten married and I had just gotten hired at the Daily Show. So we had just gotten married and I didn't know if I was gonna keep the job. Like I was like, I could get fired in a few months. Cause sometimes, you know, there's a quick turnaround in these types of things.


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[Assistant] So I ended up having roommates. And one of my roommates was just like...


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[Assistant] Dude, this makes me so sad. We're like, remember when you watched the Truman Show?


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[Assistant] But now any time anything goes down, anywhere in public, have you seen it? Like I've seen fights break out.


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[Assistant] Everyone just pulls out their phones. Yeah, we're all just in the Truman Show now. It sucks, right?


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[Assistant] But the thing that's sad about that is that they're like, I need a receipt right now.


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[Assistant] Like I did this joke about LaMelo Baws, I performed at the NBA Awards a couple years ago, and I made fun of James Harden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the time he was playing in Australia, we didn't know if he was gonna make the league or not. Anyways, I said he's not gonna make the league.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? Where they're just like accountability now for your hyperbolic joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if there was a button that just took you from your screens in person?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, cool. You just keep it moving. Or, it transports you in person. What'd you say? And then remember like when you were in middle school or high school and a fight would break out? And then people go like, I didn't fucking stutter. And you're like, oh shit, now we're going.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Wait, by the way, this is the best take. Shout out to Ronnie Chang. Yeah. This is Ronnie Chang's take. He goes, people love to talk smack online. By the way, everybody go to Ronnie Chang's Instagram stories. They're the funniest, philosophical. You don't know if he's joking or not joking, which is beautiful. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, when I see that, I go like, that's my jacket. That's who you are. How many times, what we're trying to do is basically close the gap between, cause there's stuff where I'm like, I want to dress like Pharrell Williams. I want to dress, you know what I mean? You're trying to close the gap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no, because the thing is, there's stuff that I see, I thought like, I thought chains were kinda cool. Yes.


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[Assistant] Are you going to serve Tom and Christina hummus and ask them if they want mint? What kind of jack, what kind of chain was it? It was like a gold, like the thin gold that like, kinda just like, that kinda like, middle eastern, desi, persian, drake looking fuckboys wear. You've seen them like with black shirts and the thin gold and I was like, and I'm like, I'm 35.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm dressing like I'm 19. What am I doing? And I was like, I'm gonna wear it on stage. And she was like, don't you dare go down to the cellar and wear this stupid ass chain on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of cultures have the prayer be, you know, whatever.


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[Assistant] Why can't we embrace the cosmic joke? That it's over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was just like, Tom and Christina clothes on Malibuist. I go, y'all are Calabasas Bieber living. Then you go to my news and it says Hasan Minhaj closes on Honda Odyssey at White Plains Honda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Correct. Correct. Correct. And do Polish people also, where's your family from? My dad's a white American and my mother's Peruvian. Peruvian. In Peruvian culture is it like uhm, in Hindi we call it sharaam, like you should have shame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He worked 35 years at the, at the Cal State EPA. So he's chemist, 35 years.


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[Assistant] And I was like, I'm gonna get you a great retirement present. And he kept, he kept, he'll do this thing where my dad loves sonning me in, in public. Yes. So like if he was here, he'd be like, Hasan said he was gonna get me a retirement present. Where's my retirement present? You know, you just keep, he loves doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, or he'll do stuff like, Hasan cried when he was little, like he would do stuff like that all the time, like, oh yeaah, he did this and he started crying, so my dad'll do stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We bought the Tesla. Surprise? Surprise. Awww. And then when we got there, my dad did the most Indian dad thing ever. He's like, Hassan, why did you do this? This is so bad. This is so irresponsible. And then Tyler, like just like the white floor guy, had to be like, hey listen, Najme, uh, Hassan, listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, Christina, don't, if you saw me and you were, we were just like, you were about to like, do a set or whatever, you see me passing in the hallways of whatever. Handsome. But you would be like, you saw me wearing two chains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your dad like sell mortgages and shit like that? No. What? No. He's a legit financial


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, sure, sure, but then people also get mad at me. They're like, why do you have all of this in your Wells Fargo bank account from when you were 16? I'm like, I don't know. I just was told that if I put it in a mattress, you can't take it from me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone that I love is dying and I need to, I need to get there in time, but I don't get there in time. Or I'm thrown out of something. Do you do the thing where you get thrown out and then you jerk in bed? Yea, all the time. You hit, you hit the ground, you get thrown off a building or you go from a high height and then you do that thing where you like jerk? Yea. You actually fall. Yea, and then you jerk and you wake up and you're like, oh no. That's a lot. So you're afraid of losing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, we're close now, we're definitely closer now, and we have a much more, like, you know what it is, I think when they get older, they lose that, there's less energy to like, straight up put your ego into a headlock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. They chill, yeaah. Accept them for who they are. Every child is different. Like he has all these philosophical platitudes now. I'm like, I don't know. So he was not, this is not who you grew up with. No, super intense. I remember one of, this is one of the best, we all have like, when we got hit stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, you're not supposed to do that, like FOCUS. I'm like 8. He's like, FOCUS. And I remember we were in the Nissan Stanza we were driving, but this is pre-camera. The Nissan Stanza driving back home. And he was like, Hasan, this is in front of like, one of my best friends, Chris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but there's the thing of like, yo, we played a 12 straight up or one by two. And if you lose, you have to get the F off the court because there's other people trying to play. So that's also fair too. Cause if you hold it up and like, no, but you blah, blah, blah. Hey, you're, you're holding up the line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The American thing I make sure is like, I love you. You gotta know that I love you unconditionally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm also, like the thing about me reading and doing the flashcard, that's like my thing with her. Beena's always like, you're really like on it with reading her and buying her all these books. Like when I go back to Connecticut, I'm just have a stack of like books and be like, oh daddy got you all this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, like, I have, like, I'm trying to let her know, like, yeaah. Yo, it's real out here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really real. But I was super happy for her, like she does uhm, she does mixed gendered soccer. And she fucked this five year old kid up. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Bina got so mad at me because she just knocked this kid over and he started crying and I started laughing. She's like, you gotta stop it. You can't laugh. But I was kinda really happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause she's three, he's five. Yeah. And she straight up knocked him. That's, that's something to celebrate. I'm sure she went like this, like boom. And then he fell back on his booty and he just like, yeah. And he started crying and I started cracking up and said, you can't do that. That's good parenting. But is, but why, but why can't I, you can, you should. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna do a special where you get a little ostentatious with it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not true, Christina. That's not true, Christina. Like, I've seen Bina double-take at certain dudes and I'm like, what's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the water was super choppy, and so it was us, and just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At that time, it was just a bunch, we, like, we got, like, the vacation through, like, some, like, you know how, like, they have those, like, Groupon type, whatever things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was us and a bunch of just like tourists from all over the world, right? Like the water super choppy, just be warned, people are gonna puke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody focus, like do not puke. And so just as it was getting choppy, this girl runs down the stairs and she's like, where's the bat? And projectile vomits. There's an Asian couple, they see home girl projectile vomit. They projectile vomit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, for a second, for a hot second, when you were like, you work with my ex, this is such a guy thing. I looked at you, like I was hoping you'd read the passing lane, when I'm like, stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the, what was the iconic moment where you were like, this is, I'm in love. Cause this is a true story, I've never seen an entire episode of Friends. What? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be honest, there's two shows that I watch, like, religiously that I love. Which are? Martin. Martin! Martin is so f- Martin! Martin is unbelievable.


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[Assistant] I bet you, I bet you if he was in the clubs during that period of time, he would crush so hard. Unfollowable bad crushers.


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[Assistant] But that clip is like 93 mark. Like abs, pecs, like leather vests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever wish, do you ever wish, I so wish I could do impersonations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When like, David Bowie died, everyone's like, oh my god, David Bowie died. I'm like, the dude from Labyrinth? People are like, I'm gonna cry. I'm like, but why? Who's the dude from Labyrinth? So when people are like, Beastie Boys, I'm like, yo, just like three skinny white dudes would just be like, hey, what's up, we're the beast. I'm like, what is this?


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[Assistant] What's the modern version of that? Like, Billie Eilish? The way she's like super young, but she's so talented? Maybe. Yea, she's pretty cool. You know what I mean? I like Billie Eilish. She's 17, but she sings like, and her lyrics are so mature. She has a dock out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like a good, I, well he's, I think, see, let me interpret your fantasy. Your fantasy is you want, it sounds like, camaraderie and friendship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you able to dunk? Oh my gosh. Cause my favorite clip ever is when


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sean Kemp, I think I'm like, Chris Gatling? And then he does this? No, no, no, but then he... Yeah.


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[Assistant] He's like, no, no, no, don't, never forget, I fucking dunked on you. Nice. There's another dunk he has where he dunks on a motherfucker so bad, he just, he looks away, he puts his hand out like this and the dude has to give him that. Oh, that's funny. It's so, pull it up, please. He dunks on the dude so bad and then he poses like this and he puts his hand out, looks away and the guy goes like,


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[Assistant] Fuck no. No way. Cause I think Rick Glassman has this great photo of him playing against LeBron James in high school. Really playing against him? Yea, like. Really? He's on like the free throw line or whatever and LeBron is like shooting a free throw. So Rick was like an Ohio player? Yea, Rick's from Ohio. Which is just an insane thing. Now I heard he's really good. Rick's really good. Yea. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I love that though. We're all chasing. We're chasing something. You know what I mean? Yeaah. I would love to... Do you have best friends?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was so good. Wait, wait. Good acting. Can you do pull ups? Can you pull up clips?


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[Assistant] I mean who is, it's S-A-H-I-B.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know. Yeah. Trying to hold it down for the afterlife. Wait, hold on.


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[Assistant] I've gone so long without it. And then coming up in comedy, I saw a lot of comics lose a lot from it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. My buddy Prashanth loves wine. All the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I was like, I'm not that disciplined. I'm not that disciplined. I was. For real?


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[Assistant] I was like, you never know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But here's the thing, Christina, I have a very, you know, hardworking spirit. You know what I mean? I really am. When, when, when it's time to go, I'm just like, hey, thanks for putting me in the game coach. Like I'm here. I'm here to produce in any which way that I can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so the tearaways are off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, gotcha. Whip Guy's a real cool guy. So he's, this is some BDSM type shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Iftar, iftar, we go hard to iftar, yea. And we're supposed to control ourselves, but we don't, you know what I mean? Well, like the whole month is about like, hey, it's about bodily control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it'd be the equivalent if anyone here is an MMA fighter that's watching, it'd be like if, cause Khabib is Muslim, if Khabib pulled up to like the NYU mosque, he would shut it, it would be crazy. It would be crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there's this whole, this, there's this whole lane in the YouTube algorithm that's like pump stuff like this into my, all I was trying to do was learn about Bitcoin and NFTs and then there's this whole thing of like, you're a guy trying to get rich fast, right? There's also, you know what I'm saying? And then they're like, hey, then there's this whole cottage industry of just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish, I wish those videos just had a reaction shot. Like, like the Aisha reaction shot, or just like girls like, like what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a cool collection of characters. You're welcome. And you know where we're at with TikTok? We're pre-canceled TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's what, get the machete, it's getting real rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about stakes. Deportation. Deportation. That's real. High stakes. High stakes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, yo, Jessica Biel's in this, like, yo, I had like vibe and they're like, what? And I'm like, she was in a basketball and they're like, bro, she, that's TV show. But I'm like, I feel like we would vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, did you used to TP people's houses in high school? I did, I was a shithead. So, that thrill, when you're doing it and you're like, still in the middle of it, you kinda have, I'm chasing that thrill.


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[Assistant] You know what I love? There's been times that she's caught me cursing on stage and she goes, stop it. Really? Yea, because she's like, it doesn't sound good coming out of your mouth. That's hilarious. You know what I mean? She's like, just don't say that word.


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[Assistant] I like to give a shout out to Chantilly's convenience store, Grantsville, West Virginia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say what you want when you've had four kids and fifteen years of depression.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gonna get hurt real bad. And possibly die.


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[Assistant] Some of the ways that women emasculate men, withholding sex, questioning them, not letting them lead, controlling them, withdrawal, being critical, being ungrateful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Punishing them with harsh words or verbal attacks, dominating them, demeaning them, not respecting them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blaming them and comparing them to others.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boy oh boy, did I used to do this to men in the past. Now all of those things above are the realm of what I call the false feminine, the maiden, the princess. But I'm going to talk to you about them in a totally different video, so stay tuned to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We disempower men as if it's a zero sum game. Now what that means is we believe that if we give our true feminine more time and energy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we'll lose something, be less successful, less powerful, less safe, or less effective. It is the beliefs that uphold that, that is why we uncon-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm scared. So I made my first tic tac and I got this comment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At first I was like, I'm not really sure how to take this. At all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do they wanna see what I looked like when I was five? Cause in 1990 I was five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, no, no, that can't be it. We're not probably open with that kind of thing here. So then it dawned on me, this person thinks the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that little bitch cashier at raw set one day who informed me I qualified for the senior citizen discount?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, exactly, and I think it differs from agender in that you also want your body to reflect that null gender.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even the word new choice connotates some sort of like gender standard or gender role when really I don't want any of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you have to train the person you're dating. What I mean is, if you expect flowers every date, then you have to tell them that you expect flowers every date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna be nice about this little bitch. You don't talk about my kids. Cause you're just fucking jealous because I have kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am taking care of my kids. Right now they're sleeping and I've got to wake them up so I can change their diaper. So fu-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see you appeared on YMH podcast? Doomers! Yes! Between him and Bert, Tom Segura and Bert Kreisler, I'm just wondering if they want to get a DP going or if they want to, you know, hit me up for, for any double action.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many times do you poo? Once a week? Maybe two? Three times? Maybe four? Maybe you should be pooing some more. I go a few times a day. Many years it has been this way but everyone is different so they say ask yourself these questions. Okay.


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[Assistant] So there's been some questions about where I'm born. I'm born in Boston.


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[Assistant] And then I spent some of my childhood in Boston, some of my childhood in Spain, my family, my brother, my parents, my nephew, everybody is over there in Spain. Now I'm here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so that was one thing I think people ask sometimes about how I speak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am that person that if I've been speaking a lot of Spanish, I, you know, tend to mix them. And if I'm speaking more English or doing a lot of English, then I mix that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have just signed an executive order to extend YMH Live until this Friday at midnight. It really was a no-brainer. It's quite literally the best podcast on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I work on the corporate communications team at the Hershey Company. The Reese's brand is named after H.B. Reese, who invented the product. He's from Hershey, Pennsylvania. Milton Hershey, who is the founder of the Hershey Company, knew him, bought the brand, and now it's part of the Hershey Company family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey man, my name's Tug. Do you have a second? I need to ask you a few questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my daddy's about to pass away, he don't got too much longer to live. He's always been a big fan of truck nuts. And I figured the best way to commemorate him and to remember what an awesome man he was was to just get a nice casting of his balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women drive trucks too, you might as well hit both sides of the market, you know? Yeaah, I don't know how you're going to make those for that, but that'd be a good one. I'm thinking about doing truck cuts for ladies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YMH Live is back, Chomos. April 2nd, 6pm. Go to livestream.ymhstudios.com. Get your tickets now, now, now, right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't this like nerd culture? Isn't this a reference to some hentai or something? What is this shit called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. Go to satva.com slash the shit right now to get $225 off the purchase of your next match.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most talented. I forgot how insane the original ad was with Robert Paul Shannon.


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[Assistant] It's like those people on TikTok who don't know that they're not.


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[Assistant] Sending a personal message to somebody. Yeaah. They, they don't know that the whole world. Check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, I can't imagine what clips, I don't see them in advance. This is new to me and if you guys can one up last episode, I can't even imagine how horrible it's gonna be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so, uh, by the way, so many fun surprises we have planned for you guys. Yes, and even within the heavy segment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, I mean we had prolapsed anuses, docking last time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause that's more fun. Ultimately, that's a lighthearted gag.


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[Assistant] No, and he's singing from a laundromat, which I don't know if you've, when's the last time you went to a laundromat, but it is a bummer to do your laundry at the laundromat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got pipes and a strong message. I got very specific there for a minute. Like I didn't understand what he was talking about. And then back to the message, which is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's, you know, good for him, the hustle. That's how Justin Bieber got famous, you guys. Don't forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On YouTube, if you put it out there, who knows, this could be the next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that song that kind of, take my horse to the something road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she- they don't- they don't perform together, I don't know. Sometimes, like in the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, April 9th through 11 Des Moines, the only show that is available is the Sunday show, so scoop those tickets up now. April 23rd through 24th, Fartnicks, Arizona. Fartnicks. May 6th, one night only, Breast Balls Beach, West Palm Beach, Florida, June 11th through 12th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wise Guys and Chart Lake Titties and then the LOL and San Antonio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Liberty Township. Sounds like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go through the want list here. I mean, is this- It's amazing. Is this his Raya profile that he's putting up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So first of all we got 120 pounds. You must be an impeccable dresser. Sober. Sober.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never noticed his tats on his shoulders, that's kinda cool, we got to see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and that's kinda neat to know upfront that he's really into that. So like, you need to be into that if you're-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. That's what I'm saying. So this is another check. Yes, I'm on 120. Yeah. I get to suck your D. Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Do you think a lot of women want their twat lips torn to pieces? That's a very vivid...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'd still choose him over who was the other guy that we had between Fed Smoker and, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's fit. Look, let's talk about the positives of Fedsmoker. He's in great shape. He's showing you he's got a strong neck and chest. Uh, he's got his own car. We know that at times he is employed at Falcon Car Wash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a very exciting, I can't wait, uhm, so far everybody's been really cool to us in Texas and reaching out and everyone's been very welcoming and I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to the change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and let's be clear, we don't live in a very rural neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so restoring dirt bikes in certain neighborhoods is probably normal fare, but not where we live. It's LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not only that, so he works out in front of his house, which is odd because I'm pretty sure he has a backyard too that he could work out in. But the part that strikes me


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when he's doing pull up. And you can hear it as you're walking across the street and down. I'm like, that is so, it's so embarrassing. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and I've been around you. When you lift weights, you're quiet as a mouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's funny Tom, remember when we were doing tennis with our old, our coach here, and his sound is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would make fun of him. I go, I got, Mike was his name. I go, Mike, is that your tennis sound? He's like, what? I go, that's your sound. And I go, Tom needs to come up with his tennis sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, look, I don't know, maybe, is it just me that when I exercise, I don't want other people to see me. I'm so embarrassed of how I look. I'm awkward, I'm sweaty and middle-aged, like don't, I don't want, I don't want, I don't need the audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether you're an early bird or you like to hit the snooze button, everyone deserves to sleep in ultimate comfort. And that starts with your comforter. Brooklinen can help you get your best sleep. Jean, I woke up in the middle of the night and we sleep with a Brooklinen comforter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thanked, I thanked Brooklyn in the middle of the night because it is so soft and buttery and delightful. It's like sleeping with the cloud on top of you and I just can't recommend it enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brooklyn and creates beautiful high quality bedding and home essentials. They work directly with manufacturers to give you a fair price. There are no middlemen, no markups. The comforters come in lightweight all season and ultra warm to suit every type of sleeper and lifestyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Treat yourself to ultimate comfort with Brooklinen's Comforter Collection. Go to brooklinen.com and use promo code HOUSE to get $25 off with a minimum purchase of $100. That's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N dot com enter promo code house for $25 off with a minimum purchase of $100. That's brooklinnen.com promo code house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been watching the Point of Personal Privilege video all weekend. Uh, it makes me laugh all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, again, like, you expect people in public to conform to what you want? It's absurd. It's absurd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean I'm telling you the minute I landed in SF, and I grew up in LA which is very liberal too, but SF is the epicenter of liberal and I mean I remember landing and like going and seeing dudes holding hands at the movie theater or


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Billboards of, like, gay people. Yeah, and that's their norm. So now you are the odd man out in their world. So you have to respect, like, their, uhm, but it was, so there's so much nutty stuff going on there. We had a neighbor one time. Now, yeah, the first house I lived in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who felt that his circumcision was unfair and so he would post signs of protest against people circumcising their children in front of his house, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would always with the billboards and like the signs in front of, it was like our neighbor too. So he'd be like, oh, there's a circumcision guy. Like he's still mad about his dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, but this guy, uhm, did this thing where he re-grew his foreskin and he pulled it up with weights and it was like, I swear to God, it was a whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So he re-grew his foreskin and then he would tell everybody about re-growing their foreskin and like ask me how. That was another billboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, these angry, I don't, I feel bad for him. Obviously it's, you know, he's not well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm sorry, I'm a little floored. I've known you for 20, I've known you for 20 years. You've never brought up Maryland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, cause they live just in a point of personal privilege in like a nice...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the worst roommate, especially multiples. I had at one point, one, two, three, four roommates in San Francisco at the same place next door to the circumcision house. Yeah. And we lived with two boys. Yeah. And it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The toilet was in a room, separate from the shower room, thank god. But getting ready in the morning for school, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before a fucking five people showering, there was no hot water, ever. And then if you took a shit, it was like af- someone's always in the bathroom, in- in five people house, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I'll make a confession. We had so many roommates, there was like five of us in San Francisco, and I would never do my chores.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've gotten so much love and support. Thank you everybody. Sharing your stories on Instagram. Don't let Tom Segrist shame you on your positive oral hygiene habits. Uhm, us flossers out there, we have to stick together and unite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, back in SF2, I also had neighbors that fucked, uh, so we were on the second floor and if I looked out my-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the best. I look out my kitchen, like, kitchen window as I was cooking something and they were fucking right there and they didn't have any drapery, anything on their windows and I just watched them fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What they caught on eventually by the fourth time we were like, what's up, dude? Oh shit. Like, oh, one time they finished and we all clapped and that's when obviously they figured.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like, I just remember like, okay, so like, so here's what I saw, like, so there are, there's just like a white, couple white people, you know, point of personal privilege, and the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were do mission, sorry, she would be on top and I would see his head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just his head like this, cause the window is right there, and then like her on top of him kinda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the deal, a lot of people didn't because it was like a slumlord.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Victorian house and like, the fucking asshole that owned it didn't put curtains on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's true, that's different. That's true, performative. You know what is universally the worst thing to have though when you live in an apartment complex? I think anybody who's experienced it, when you live on the bottom floor,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For like two and a half years and the nicest lady, I lived in the basement of her house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I left, I went to work, and this is when Tom and I were just dating, and you were asleep in the nude, and then she came in to do something landlady, and then she saw you naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so fucked up, I didn't realize how rude I was living in that place though, is that she was not a smoker, and at the time I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I would, I had a little patio area. Remember? Off to the side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, that's what he looks like there. That was more Marty. And we wanted to take him out for dinner and he refused.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did, but you know what I noticed too? He always had horrible lighting in his apartment. Like when he'd go down there, he would have the overheads on, like that neon. And I was like, God, just take care of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'll tell you what that fool did. You know, we had this weird driveway. Everything in Silver Lake is hills. It was like a perfect incline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fool though, could go down in that old ass car, remember he had?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he could back up like perfectly at his age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everybody's home and you know that that, that is a competitive washer dryer situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was sweet though, at least he was nice. But do you remember those fuckin' nerds who parked? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The park's right next to us, wasn't it? We had two spaces, and then those fuckin' nerds parked next to us that were like Disney fanatics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing is that they weren't, and by the way, they weren't in their 20s, which I can kind of even get, like, hey, when you're in your 20s, let's go to Disney, that's fun. They were like 30, they should have, they should have just been like saving for a house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing about this too, here's what enrages me about Pixie Dusted, is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's this young couple, they were married, they were in their mid thirties, we were all living in a really rough neighborhood, so clearly we were all like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hoping to move on up and out. Everybody was. Yea, like bro, this was a transitional sitch. You didn't want to be here too long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember being so anxious those years, just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not being able to sleep at night cause you didn't know if you were gonna get feature work. We were just trying to be feature acts, remember that shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And crazy, and this was the, this neighborhood had that policy. It was an unspoken policy in front of all of them. You could not park in front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's absurd that you would care. Tommy, I can't remember in that house. Were we able to park up our driveway? Yea, we could, right? Like if we drove past the front house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all want to make healthier decisions. We want to try and sleep better, eat better, and live healthier lives. Summer's coming up, beach season is around the corner, but we don't always know how our body is feeling, how long to work out for, or how much sleep we need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoop is a fitness track that helps solve those questions with its built in coaching features. Tom and I are huge Whoop fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We wear ours. I work out with it. I like to see how many calories I've burned. I like to see how much strain I've exerted. It tracks your sleeping so you can sleep, uh, if you're sleeping enough to recover from the workout you did the day before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just think it's fun and interesting to know these things, and I would recommend WOOB to anybody, regardless of their fitness level.


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[Assistant] And for all my listeners today, if you've been thinking about giving whoop a shot, there's no better time to give it a shot. For my listeners, you can save 15% off a whoop with the code yourmom. Go to whoop, w h o o p dot com and use code yourmom at checkout to save yourself 15% off today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Know yourself with personalized recovery, strain, and sleep insights from Whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but let's, let's give a little more context. So Tom and I are living in this guest house in Redondo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the time, what do we, we've established your mom's house a bit more cause we started in Silver Lake and we're starting to get an audience on YMH. And then I don't know if people know this, but so your first hour.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but we were disappointed because at the time it was like Comedy Central or HBO. There was no, it wasn't like this. And so,


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[Assistant] You're working like crazy and we're going nuts and you go.


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[Assistant] We only have one phone charger, we have to stay in the guest house in Redondo. Like, oh we have choices now, we have options. And then we move to this crazy...


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[Assistant] Well that came later, so they had had that horrible robbery happen in Paris.


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[Assistant] But I don't remember the guy with the earpiece until I thought that was a newer thing.


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[Assistant] Well, I only saw him with one, and she was very,


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[Assistant] Well, cause like I said, I, yeah, anyway, there was a point where I thought, oh, this is weird. Like I, I don't want Ellis growing up thinking it's normal to have like security guards watching you with a plane. So I'm glad we left. Yeah. Try to be more normal. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That was wild. You know what was kinda fun about our old house, the, the, the one we just moved from? Is uhm, cause all the, we had fruit trees in the backyard. And it would attract rats. And then getting to kill those rats was kinda cool.


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[Assistant] Like, cause I had the rat trap guy come out. No, no, not like that. But, like, uh, I remember one time, like, Feef would come running up with like a dead rat in his mouth and I'd be like, yeah, dog. Like, I liked finding them in the backyard, dead and all stiff. And then I found a lot of them.


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[Assistant] I know, what's wrong with us? I don't wanna move anymore, Tommy. This is it, right? This is it.


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[Assistant] We've been through a lot of places and phases together, man. And now this new Austin, this whole new Tejas.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you though, as much as Angelino as I am in my heart, for real though,


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[Assistant] I'm feeling ready, I'm ready to embrace Tejas, I'm ready to embrace BBQ, I'm ready to say y'all. Are you gonna say y'all?


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[Assistant] The stakes are so high for the men doing these challenges.


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[Assistant] I couldn't hear it because there's music.


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[Assistant] I can't believe, so Bailey knew who we were in the last one.


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[Assistant] Amanda Neal. She's like, I listen to the show too, you fuckface.


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[Assistant] I was watching the clip of the woman getting her back cracked from last week. I was dying. She's so brutalized in that.


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[Assistant] It's not like a kid. That guy was old, and he's, he's obese.


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[Assistant] You know how hard it is? Personally, I was 120 pounds when I was 19, 18 years old. Maybe. You know how fucking hard it was for me?


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[Assistant] Hold on, I gotta get my glasses cleaned up. Well, if you did it for me, I wouldn't have to fucking do it. God. I mean, like your life.


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[Assistant] Just so you know, Tom and I have been doing this thing where we snap at each other. It's a joke between us, so don't get scared, okay?


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[Assistant] No, and they're not wearing any pads or anything.


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[Assistant] No, thank you. I changed my mind, I don't want to be on the tech.


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[Assistant] I don't, I changed my mind. I don't need to see it, it sticks with me. Nah, you need to- I can't even handle that Jessica Biel show. What's going on here?


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[Assistant] I mean, we have a dog that does the same thing.


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[Assistant] Do I have to get cat ears and dog ears and paws put on now?


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[Assistant] How about you be the dog and I vac you? I'm doing all this other stuff for you. I'm the one getting my tits done. I'm the one getting my tats. Can you at least pretend to be a dog for me? It requires no surgery. Hello?


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[Assistant] It's like these nerds watch, what, these nerd cartoons? Is this like a nerd superhero thing?


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[Assistant] Yeah, isn't this like a, you go through me, you go through all of us in the wolf pack.


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[Assistant] And not only that, like let's say someone does leave you a shitty comment, you threatening them is not gonna change their decision on you.


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[Assistant] And also, hold on, is this Stolen Valor? He's like, I wear...


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[Assistant] Would you wear a cool amulet? For me, a pendant?


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[Assistant] You need to get- Why aren't you getting your crystals? You gotta sort out your energy!


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[Assistant] You can get a crystal necklace subscription and then every month you're different birthstones.


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[Assistant] No, here's the deal. I think that those guys, there's a lot that are really sensitive. Like in San Francisco, there's a lot of breathwork guys and crystal magic guys.


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[Assistant] And uhm, they're sensitive, they're, you know.


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[Assistant] But so, so the woman that's into that is definitely more natural. She probably wears recyclable, reusable menstrual pads. She uses a menstrual cup.


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[Assistant] She washes her hair with sandalwood shampoo.


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[Assistant] What about people that can't grow armpit hair? God, be mindful, do better.


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[Assistant] I love this! Welcome to Russia, you fucking pussy.


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[Assistant] I know, Celsius, that's even more than Fahrenheit.


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[Assistant] I get, I get so nervous talking back to law enforcement.


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[Assistant] Well, and they're being really nice to him, and, and like, they're actually humoring him, cause the camera's on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, just fucking, just, how is this?


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[Assistant] We at YMH have found a new hero. They come along every now and then.


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[Assistant] This guy's gonna be so entertaining. Do we have more?


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[Assistant] Is he on meth? Cause what is it Dr. Drew says, meth goes to the police, cocaine runs away.


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[Assistant] Hmm, drugs are a mental illness. Yeaah, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Here's why I'm gonna go drugs and not mental illness. Usually with mental illness, you hear a lot of stuff like,


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[Assistant] You know, and the number 99, and there's dragons in the walls, and the, and the, you know, and the red char- the white chariots, and da-da-da-da-da-da. Like, he's just doing like, yeah, you wanna fuckin' fight me? Which is math talk.


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[Assistant] Bright Cellars is the wine service that helps you find wines you love while making wine more accessible to everyone. Whether you're new to the wine world or you've been drinking wine for years, Bright Cellars pairs you with unique wines using their crazy accurate algorithm.


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[Assistant] You take your 30 second quiz and let the wine magic happen and they'll pair you six wines that fit your taste profile. These are, uh, are bright sellers choices now.


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[Assistant] I love white wines and this one is from Spain and it is so delicious. And this is from South Africa, the other one. And I love it because I feel exotic when people come over. Tom and I get to act like we're these wine connoisseurs that we know everything and we're learning.


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[Assistant] Backslash YMH to receive 50% off your first 6 bottle order. Grab your passport, a wine glass, and come explore the world of wine with Bright Cellars.


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[Assistant] So much spur on it. Alright, you got some more crazies?


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[Assistant] My dad can never say, he would say biscuit instead of biscuit. Uhm, my mom would say aloo foilia for aluminum foil. It's crispy outside.


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[Assistant] Oh, and she would say, fuck ass. She'd say, you fuck ass. Which like, is not even aware.


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[Assistant] Because people call me out for making that G sound like a K. I'll say walking.


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[Assistant] Great. How are you supposed to say it? Walking. Walking. Walking. Walking. What are you gonna sneeze? Don't say anything, everybody.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I forgot my phone today so I can't even call an Uber. I'll call you one.


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[Assistant] I guess that's a thing now the kids are getting their french fries and their sweet and sour sauce.


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[Assistant] I like his response to that. He's duetting the stupidity of these french fry and sour sauce things.