[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was like, I can't have you. I'll let you air all this stuff, but probably shouldn't air me saying that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All, all that era's athletes threw that around, so. Oh, for sure. Yeaah. It's notably missing, but I'm sure it exists. All day, every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She would snap back. She would say something sassy. She would not be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yea, if you, if you say something and she would be like, what are you drinking? And yea, she would be. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, you have to, I'm telling you, you watched it last night. Go watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Tom Segura in Espanol with my mom. Oh my god, it's so funny. I'm telling you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I laugh so hard doing it, but you laugh even harder watching it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're like, I don't want to, I can't understand Spanish, just turn on the closed captioning. It's, it's, we now have it all translated. So you, she was amazing. And there's even a part in English that I want to give away that she called a friend. So it's really funny. It's really funny. It's really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, so just go to my YouTube page. Uh, YouTube, uh, page is, uh, Tom Segura. And it's called Tom Segura en Español. Do you remember the episode number?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's eight? Yeah, it's so funny. It's really funny. Oh my god. She's hilarious in it. Yeah. Uhm, she tried to get an iPad during the podcast and I got so many messages from people like, come on, send her the iPad. God damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before we get into this, the, uh, the, uh, some of the comments on the most epic episode of podcasting ever, episode 550 of Your Mom's House, I will say that we should let you know


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That the good people at Satva, our good friends at Satva are letting us do another giveaway, a giveaway to you, the person at home in need of an awesome new bed. So here's what you got to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to, we did this once before, it was a lot of fun. We asked you, the viewer, the listener,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make a video. Uh, 30 seconds, I think, max, right? 30 to 45 seconds, is that what we want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's stay in that lane. Don't send us some six minute clip. 30, 45 seconds of why we should send you a free mattress complete with sheets, pillows. We'll hook you up, right? Uh, we'll play our 10 favorite ones here on the show. The entire staff will vote on who should get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fun. It's actually, people, if you want to look up the time we did it before, it was hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that's what I'm talking about. So scroll, can you scroll down? Does it have the different ones there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is. There it is. Solaire. Solaire. Solaire. Solaire. That's it. That's what we're getting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I can, I've always wanted to do the thing where I go hungry and then I just press it and it just goes. And then you sit there and you don't move. You just hold like a chip out and I just take a bite and then I go lay back down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. There you go. Your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Subject line SATVA. S-A-A-T-V-A. Now let's look at some of the comments from episode five 50. What's up first here? Oh yeah. Imagine if that was, imagine if you're like, I'm going to check out your mom's house. This is a comment by Dionne Krause.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine if somebody was like, just watch this, and you see a senior citizen shitting into his french fries, eating it, vomiting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The nonsense of professional wrestling and seeing that that stirred people up, it'd be quite the episode to get into, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear James Bain wrote, do you work here? Equals Tom's. Do you like your life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cigarette throwing up whilst laughing like a maniac might be the most YMH thing I've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sign off on that, Mr. Martena56. That's pretty true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, it was completely uncontrollable. I mean, I, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea. Look at this comic here. This is uh, pretty cool. Bruno did this. It's uh, a comic book. I can't read it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my babe. Kick what? Kick this butt fucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the nuts? Hmm. I think that's Eugene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, who made this? Corvid? Corvid clothing drew this? Yeah, he loved it. He loved it. I said, hey man, fan art, look what they sent and they did of you. And I sent this to Norm. So if you drew this Corvid clothing, I got it to Norm and he enjoyed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Family guy, Simpsons, Rick and Morty, Archer. They're really cool. He did a really, really good job. They're not all that flattering, but they're really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they're all, I mean, they're, they're great for what they are. Um, oh, what's, oh, GQ put me at, uh, on the cover. I talk tit cups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shocking, stolen Valor news. Did Tom have the key the whole time? Setting up Christina. I didn't even know GQ covered this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. Uh, Freak Shop Gallery did, my mom completely disappointed carrying naked fat baby me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really good. Unbelievable. Uhm. Yep, there we go. This is, uh, Gypsy Christina. Yep. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that would, see that means that within the context of main mommy on this show,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now this gets my dick hard. Who did this? Jeremy Bowden did the barista killer. He has no idea how close to a reality this has been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the, the lack of emotion is what I like the most. Yeah. Just looking back at the bodies cut up and just being like, now I'll have an espresso. Try to wake up. I feel like going to sleep right now. That's what they said about, what's his name? Uh, the Boston guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the famous Boston most wanted, uhm. Trying to go to sleep? No, no, no. What did he say? Yeah, yeah, James Whitey Bolger. There's that doc on him, and the guy that used to be his henchman was like, yeah, when Whitey killed somebody, he would be in the best mood. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would sleep, he would actually sleep like a full night's sleep and just wake up happy. Yeaah. You know, but only if he had just murdered someone with his hands. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sergeant Stolen Valor. That's hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there I am by Detective Designs. Yours was, uh, Oh My Desus. Oh, Oh My Desus is very prolific. This one here, sorry, this was by Creighton Evanson. These are really, really impressive. Always. And, um, is that the same one there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, anyways, these are really great. Thanks. We try to pull them from Instagram and, uh, we pull some comments from the YouTube stuff too. So, appreciate you guys taking the time to make these, uh, very talented. And, uhm, yeaah, I think that's it, Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we actually kind of calmed everybody down. Let them know that, you know, you're fucking stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, no, that was a lot of fun. This is YMH Ginger Justice by Brian Motel. See you next week, Jean. Bye Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want an adult hottie in my lap right now, under 26 right now, no frills, no excuse, big titties and intelligence, I don't care if she's a hood, rap, punk, rock, or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would just do, use a GoPro. GoPro will, they can withstand anything, so. Just put a GoPro in there and it's not gonna get messed up. It'll be protected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and then you get the footage later and they always have like a case because people take them surfing and skydiving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I could ever. You guys asked me if I would have sex on camera. Yeah. For, uh, like whatever money. I would do that a thousand times before I would shit on camera. How come? No chance. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I mean, I don't like it in all facets of it. It's not just like I don't like doing it. I don't like people knowing about it. I don't like smelling it. I don't like thinking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so the majority of this show. You have a real, you have a real issue with dumping, huh? Yeah, I don't know what it is, but yeah. I wouldn't really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could, yea, I might. I dunno, I just, uh, I like things the way they are. There you go. You're like, I'm just comfortable with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it? Yea. I wouldn't want to. Really? I wouldn't like it, no. I wouldn't want you to see it. I don't like people knowing, that's why I refuse to have a shared bathroom. I don't ever want you to go, accidentally go in there or try to go in there and then you realize that I'm shitting. That would be the, I wouldn't want to talk to you for weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't think I'm, I'm ever gonna get married to be honest, but if I did, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're, we're separate bathrooms for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I better see some remorse, you know, there should be, you should feel a little bad. If you laugh about it, and fart, there's a, you know, it's a different thing. Yeah. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. I mean, I wouldn't have any aversion to it now. I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, uh, what you just said is my first thing is, find out, now there's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do people like hanging around you in the first place? More than likely, it's not whatever you're talking about. There's something about you, so explore that more. Like figure out who you are. And then, uh, I think the big thing too, usually with guys that are considered nice,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take risks, take a lot of risks, like, and when people, were you that kid in, uh, in school when they were like, hey, we're gonna go drink or whatever, do stuff behind, you're like, nah, that's not for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is not the least safe part, uh, she's, uh, there's a little, little guy peeking out of her, uh, of her booty hole. And, uh. And she takes a big ol'. And then she decides to push, and that little guy turns into a bunch of big guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna put it like this, uh, her big weird square pants ass over there. I'm not into it. I'm sure it was real. It was this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 12 hours, 14 hours, breaking your back, you come home and you look at your girlfriend and your wife's ass and you're just like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have naturally wide hips, if you're naturally thick and you go to the doctor and you get a fake ass and it matches your body, it's all well into the good. But there is a lot of women on social media platforms


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who do all kinds of stuff and modeling and they got these disgusting fake asses and it's really just, it's getting to the point now where I'm just, I wanna vomit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My fake ass that I hate the worst, I hate when chicks that have absolutely no muscle tone and their thighs or their legs, they get these big fake asses and yet their legs don't match.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you call it when a person rubs your body? Massage therapist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did that for a hot pocket? Yes. All that for a hot pocket. You broke into a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been drinking Sprite for the past couple days in Jim's rail because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't drink Mountain Dew when I'm sick, so hopefully when I'm done being sick, I'm gonna go back to drinking my Mountain Dew, but I just don't drink it when I'm sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. Big news here, there's a new offer. Go to Saatva.com and get $225 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your purchase, go now, saatva.com slash y m h and get a new mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the fitness wearable, uh, that provides personalized insights on your performance of sleep, how recovered your body is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I study this thing every day. Every day I open the phone, when I wake up I see how I slept, I see what my resting heart rate is, heart rate variability, how I recovered, and then I know what type of strain I can put on my heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a strain coach and a sleep coach. I love all the data you can study. It gives you real insight into what your body is doing. Additionally,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a journal that's automated to ask you questions. You drink alcohol, caffeine, marijuana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sleep medications. Did you watch TV? All that stuff plays a part in how you sleep and seeing that data helps you make changes that make you sleep and rest and recover better. It's absolutely fascinating. For our listeners, Whoop is offering 15% off with the code YOUR MOM at checkout. Go to Whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] W-H-O-O-P dot com, enter your mom, Y-O-U-R-M-O-M at checkout to save 15 percent, sleep better, recover faster, and train smarter. Optimize your performance with Whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That happens. It affects people in different ways, but always remember, if your sister goes down in the mountain, go get her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is. He's a great guy. Uhm, real excited. And uh, yeaah, we're gonna have a really good time. We're gonna have a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot. Why don't we go ahead and cut the BS. And, uh, oh, and a reminder, um, to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been shooting a lot of content, uhm, it's all in different, uhm, streams and places, uh, so there's, on the main Your Moms House YouTube channel, uh, last week, or a couple weeks ago, you probably saw, uh, Josh Potter's place, uhm, there's another one that's been added since then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we're also adding things on our IGs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there's YMH Cartoons. You can find them either on the main page or on the clips page. But I also started putting some content that I put on my IG on my personal YouTube page. So my personal YouTube page is, uh, YouTube, uh, slash Tom Segura. I have my Spanish podcast on there, but you can also find my, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stories from the road content there. Check it out, see if you like it, maybe you will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually think I'm in a good mood. Really? Yeah. Yeah. You don't think so?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ready to go? Yeah, yeah. Alright, let's do it. Let's get started, guys. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Step into the mind of a killer. We watched...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This reminds me of when people are behind a political candidate and you're like, you don't see how fucking insane this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're like, you are, you're on board with this and they're like, yeah, that's great. Yeah. Okay. Like he has hope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it if you have, uh, you know, you go, one time, my mom said this,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that memory elicits that emotion, you go, well it's a really sincere heartfelt moment, it's a memory that does that to you, that's a natural thing. But if you start telling every story, when I wrote this song, when my dad said this, when I was at the school, when my friends and I, and everything you bring up makes you go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It aired on another network first. So they acquired it. They licensed it. So people may have seen this when it originally aired on, I don't know which channel it was that aired it originally. It came out like A&E.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, it was the A&E doc series and then Netflix thankfully acquired it so that we get to see it and it is amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the cool thing is, if you, uh, because of the way the Netflix algorithm works, if you just watch a couple Ted Bundy things, it'll automatically play. It comes right after that, right before John Wayne Gacy. Uhm, here, let's, let's, uh, check out a couple more things. It is so hard. He has to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, how about like, when you shake, and then in the next five seconds, if some shit happens, that you need, what are you, are you being serious or something, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If in the next five seconds someone comes in here with a fucking machine gun, I know you got my back by the way. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. Dangerous minds. The bad boy. It's good for thicc boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a good thicc boy seat. It is. Flip it around and kinda hug it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you're doing if you're a musician, you're competing against the other forms of music?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm so confused. Every day he goes, let's get in the studio and let's kick some raps ass and let's kick some fucking rock and rolls ass with this song about my motherfucking truck. Let's go. I mean, it is just so strange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno. And then he went there, he's like, this is my spot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Need a little inspiration, need to think something out, need her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does look like he's a savant in this photo. Like this frame right here, he's about to be like, I dropped 263 toothpicks on the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, nah. I bet in the house he's like, oh, are the cameras outside? Go get me that, uh, forward shirt. Throw on my forward emblem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna have to work hard. Alright. Yeah, no shit. That's what dads do. Pretty original take that your dad had. You're gonna have to work if you want to earn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I want to earn it, let me tell you something Garth fucking Brooks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think part of it, honestly, I think part of it is the pressure of being that, that famous and celebrated. I think it kind of fucks with you, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying, like, the expectations, like, people are like, you're, like, if people all day are not, they're not just saying, like, I'm your fan. They're like, you, you know, you changed my life. When I went through this, I listened to your albums.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, you know, we've, we've got, we've gone down this, uh, path a lot lately, but he just keeps giving, keeps giving, keeps giving, and a lot of people are, uhm, you know, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pointing out, rightfully so, that uh, Conald checked out right before the world changed and it is curious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but we did discover the video where he pulled somebody over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy, like stuffed with shit and racks on top, uh, like Crown Vic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a real new lane to get into though, to pulling people over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see the hair standing up and he's been grinding his teeth for a while. Who knows what he's fucking wearing right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I don't think he's like, he doesn't go like, isn't that great. He's just like, there's a fucking other one. Like they mean something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does it say that it symbolizes? Like on the, on the drop down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does a white horse symbolize? See the next question down? What does that one say? White horses stand for the balance of wisdom and power. Hmm. Christianity, oh, is a symbol of death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's how, that's how you wanna handle someone like that. Didn't catch your name. Yeah, you didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. And he's still telling this story by the way. This guy, I'll tell you what happened to me one time. On the side of the road, he fucking, he has like a state provided vehicle or something though, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, oh yea, okay, Colorado Department of Transportation. This guy is like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he owned and operated a car wash, a dentistry practice, a barber shop. I'm sure he has massage practice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't seen that. I do think that I have a real, uh, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like primal resistance to seeing public massage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think mall massages are weird. I hate it. And I think the airport massage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, I've walked up before and been like, they're like, massaged like, yea where? And they're like, right here. I'm like, what about all the people walking around? And they're like, yea they'll just watch. And I'm like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pass out in the chair and people just walking by you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you give me, can you give me a little bit of privacy? A little bit, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Cause I have to keep my bottle. If it's like a legit Chinese place, they'll wear their shoes and just climb on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you keep your clothes on. Yeah, no, it's not, yeah. It's totally done like that. By the way, we did uhm, a big push for our favorite human ever. Uhm, RPC of course I'm talking about. Come check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, he has a, he has a fans only as he likes to call it. We like to refer to it by its more commonly referred to name, OnlyFans. Uhm, and we wanted to give you a little taste of the difference between some well known, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People on OnlyFans and the content they put out and then just the way RPC handles it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there are a lot of people in the adult business, uh, who do that. And of course it's a, it's a revenue stream. It's a way for them to have like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isolate fans come here, see exclusive content. It's, you know, they're owning their content, making money and connecting with their fans. It's great. So here is an image from Alexis Texas from her only fans, correct? And you can see it's, um, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sexy photo. Yep, she's laying on a bed. You could post this on social media. It's like, it's right on the line of probably getting flagged by Instagram, but you could definitely, but you know, you're, this is like, you're seeing what she would put out there, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's on the bed being like, come get it, you know? Come get it, what's up? And then, like, that's her, and then like, this is, uh, this is RPC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a new necklace. He's got the cowboy hat, but you know, it just looks mix it up. Here, here's uh, there's Lexi Bell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, pretty girl, and this is from hers, and what is it? Well, she's posing in a bathroom mirror, and you know, she's throw out the peace sign, she's got like half the crop top on, yoga pants, and it's just like, hey, I'm sexy, I'm fun, what's up guys? Again, connecting with the fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Showing your fans what you're like in real life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he's in his hallway in his building. So you could be walking into your apartment or out of your apartment and just see that in the hall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty cool. Yeah. Again, this is available at onlyfans.com slash, uh, was it our champagne?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, you get, yeaah, it's a famous adult performer, and she's giving you the big up, so like, here's what's gonna happen at my OnlyFans, you know? You're gonna make cupcakes. We're gonna make cupcakes, you're gonna see me, yeaah. We got it. Yeaah, so it's pretty cool, and then, you know, there's RPC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why you pay extra, right there. That's the fee. That's what you pay. You pay for that, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so those other, those ladies we showed, that's like their stuff that goes like, this is the outside, this is outside the door. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is in that leg slap, when he slapped his legs in the hallway. I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we're back. Josh Potter's here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that doesn't mean they're not, like there's gonna be some new ones that wanna suck it in the new layout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so will you do, will you consider doing cameos with tit cups or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking like for a tit cup cameo you could probably up it to like 150.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because we have so much stuff on the one story, maybe we could start with the other story first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the actual image that's taken from it. You want me to read it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, just, I mean, you can describe her if you want to read it. I mean, literally it says that the man goes, he went to the bathroom, he pulled up the image just to be sure because he thought the guy looked familiar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, he pulled up the picture and goes, yup, it's Senator Graham alright. And when I came out of the bathroom, he was on the bed naked on all fours. I noted that there were dark marks around his anus. I asked if he had showered. He said yes. I asked if it was okay if I wiped him down. He said sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wet a face towel and I wiped and wiped between his buttocks, but nothing was coming off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aww, he said. Hope you don't mind. You wanna say the next line? Those are just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the guy said, I ran out of there. Now you know what I see in my mind anytime he comes up in the news. Any escort he's hired should be able to verify this. Thank you for listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because you can have a cluster of moles anywhere. It's your human skin. Is it wrong to have empathy for a person who doesn't have any?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always. Every time. There's a whole list of them. The super religious types are the ones who are like, when God sees a man, he does not see


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to say something, Senator Graham, I absolutely stand for ladybugs and for you to do whatever gets you off, sir. So, and this of course is, these are alleged, uhm, accusations and, you know, you might not have anything on your taint, in which case, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen up, fellas, because today we have a new Manscaped product alert. Reach between your legs. No, not there. Manscaped just released the Weed Whacker Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer. Take a look in the mirror and I'll guarantee you will see some hairs sticking out of those holes and it's time to keep your ear and hair nose looking as nice as your clean, shaven,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, when there's nose hairs, they tickle, you end up pulling like, you know, you're always scratching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rubbing, because it's like tickling the inside and if you pull those hairs, I don't know about you, for me, automatic tears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just cry. Waterfalls come out of my eyes because that stuff is sensitive. You need a good, effective, strong ear and nose trimmer. The ear hair is growing sideways. It's itching. It looks crazy. You look like a psycho old man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody likes it. Nobody likes ear hair. Nobody likes nose hair. Get this weed whacker and trim that stuff up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where did it happen? At his home. But where's that? In Spain. Oh, so that's where the, the, it all happened there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I read in the, in the, the briefing that I saw said, this has been an ongoing investigation for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I think what he's saying there is about how fans believe porn is real, whereas


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I do remember that Jack has the famous one that we always talk about. Are you fucked up enough to la- remember? Fucked up enough to lay me? Yeah. What? Yeah, the girl- does the girl say it to him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because honestly, like, and I know this is just like a little clip, but that dude, like, seeing him, you know, it puts, like, it makes me a little uneasy. Like if I were to spend, I would feel uncomfortable around that guy. He's an intense man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real cool. Yeaah. You gotta see some of his work. It's really something. Really, really something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know that one either. But I do remember watching one of those documentaries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, a documentary about the adult business where Ron Jeremy made that point where he was like, we're doing, he was talking about like Stanislavski and you know, big acting coaches and he was like, we're doing like the highest form of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More like the full talking to about that from Yoshi a few years ago. He was like, he was, he was like, you know, um, he goes, Rocco was going to pass the torch to Nacho. He was like his apprentice, the next superstar. But then Nacho got bored and he went to Brazil to find a macho girl found there. Some trans people. That's what he's doing now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you, Yoshi broke it. He said that this was an apprentice to Rocko. This was like the next guy. It's like Robert Redford to Leo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't even know that though. I'm not gonna say. You don't know that. No, but that is, yea, this is what, this is the intel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's still a great performer, he has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This literally, this was like, that description meant that like, he was so bored of fucking porno chicks. He was like, we gotta step it up, man. Yea, I need it to be gnarlier. Yea, I need it to be, I need the next level. What's gnarlier? I need to push it. Push, push, push.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would I fuck a girl with a dick? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No. I'm finding a toilet and I'm fucking taking her to it and we're gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think, I mean, at that point, I feel like I should be like- You're in too deep, you're already far- Yea, I feel like I'm in too deep, but I feel like, look, why don't you service me first, and then we'll take care of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I would do? I guess I have to. I would, uh, I would leave and then I would come back and I'd be like, about real bad that I didn't jack you all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but what if she's, what if she's like, I don't want you to jerk it. I want you to like, you know, slob on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The handjob. Oh, the handjob? If I was in the throes. But then that means that's all you get back. That's what I'm saying. You'd be like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You become that guy in this scenario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in custody. Nacho, we got your back. We need you in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are our De Niro, sir. Uhm, thank you for stopping in and filling us in. And I know you're doing, you're going on stage. I think, I don't know if by the time this comes out you've already been on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. Alright, we gotta run. Uh, thank you. We'll be back shortly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here it is. This is the big surprise. We were talking about it in our segment coming up to this. We are elated to welcome somebody we've been a fan of for a long time and we cannot believe that we get to talk face to face now with the great dog whisperer, Cesar Millan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like, we're, I mean, we're pretty well versed in a lot of the Bible, the Gospel of Caesar Milan, because we watched


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean hundreds of hours of you. Yeaah. Yeaah. It's always interesting to like meet somebody you're like, dude I get it like when people, sometimes people come up to us and they talk to us in a familiar way where you're like, Jesus. And then you realize they've been watching you for a long time and I know you have to get that a lot because like we've been talking about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People get very, very, very worked up about dogs not on leash in this country. I mean, there was even a very...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weird, yeaah. And there's almost always a tale, like if you study these uber successful people, like if you really like read about it and study it, they always get to the point where they're like, and there was nothing there. Like when I achieved this incredible level of fame and wealth, and that's when I felt my emptiest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you, this is like, I'm jumping around here, but one of the things that I've seen, I saw it on your show a bunch and you see it in real life a lot. Sometimes you would profile a dog owner and the dog was a rat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With someone who's like, hey, just so you know, my dog's out of its fucking mind and it's gonna go crazy. And when you watch those, you're like, how is this, is it able to be remedied? But I feel like all the ones that I saw,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Part of it was their energy, right, like the humans energy, and almost consistently they didn't walk, I feel like, their dogs, right, they didn't, they didn't exercise the dog. But like, is that, do you run into that predicament a lot with dogs? The erratic, you know, like the dog that just won't stop, won't stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So are a lot of those, the dogs that I'm describing, are they, they're in an environment that is kind of dictating that to happen? Like it's the instability and the- Humans or dogs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because I remember those, like, there's certain things that, like, stick with you, you know? Like certain lessons. Yeah. And, uh, one of the things that I can access, I can access from memory certain things from the show. One is the sound. Everybody. Everybody. I want to do that to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the follow through. But that and the other thing that I, like, I'll be walking our dog and remember, you know, the leash. And like that loose but shorter and that you're leading the dog. Yes, you are the buck leader. The dog's not up here, the dog's not way back here. It's like kinda, you know, to your side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dogs that I've seen in like homeless settings appear to be content. Like you see them like with their owner and just, you know, well behaved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does the way that you, like, you know, obviously like a dog expert, but you also have other animals, is it the same application? Same. Same thing. For all animals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, do you feel like, uhm, cert, like certain people, if they tell you like how they are, that they shouldn't get certain briefs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see, uhm, what you do now, as even, did you see what you do, like now, as even a possibility though? Like, you know what I mean, like when you're coming here, you're like, I could do, not just work with animals, but actually, you know, teach and coach and have, like, you saw that? No. No, okay. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Policy Genius. There's never a bad time to save money. We all know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now more than ever, you gotta find ways to save money. Keep cash in your pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of course you can do that by shopping for the type of home insurance you have. If you own a home, you should reshop these rates with Policy Genius. They could save you a huge chunk of change. They've done that for many, many people. Go to policygenius.com. You answer a few quick questions and then you compare your policy against options from top insurers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll show you what the best rates are and they'll even get you switched. You know, that hassle of like, oh, how do I do it? They take care of that with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Own a car? Policy Genius can compare your home and auto policies across different insurers. They've saved their customers an average of $1,127 a year by just doing that. So, if you'd like to put a little cash back in your pocket right now, see how much you can save by re-shopping your home insurance rates at PolicyGenius.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the- So the pimples don't deserve the label. No! And if a- Neither do Mexicans. Neither do Mexicans, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mexicans are nice and they are human and treat them as such. But if the, if, so the pitbulls, if a pitbull let's say is uhm, you know, given birth to and left alone, would it behave?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you, is it possible to train Bitsy, our Brussels Graffon, to be a killer? Like could we tell her, could we train her to be like a super aggressive like guard dog?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a, uhm, like a more general question that I've always, always, you know, you see this done different ways, but I've never actually gotten like the, the response of like how it should be done. When someone has a dog that's going to the bathroom,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the right response to, let's say, seeing, oh, okay, my dog just peed, uh, on my carpet. What are you supposed to do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean what you're saying right now seems very logical, but I feel like millions of people don't think like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the most advanced, like, trick or thing you've seen a dog trained to do? Cause I bet you've seen this right. No, this is amazing. I'm just wondering if there's something else you've seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what's your first, like, what's your, what goes through your mind when somebody brings you a dog and they go, this dog is aggressive. This is a really aggressive dog. I mean, they're unborn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there a proper way, cause there's, there's theories on this that are widely circulated, to greet a dog in general?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How a human is supposed to greet a wolf. You wanna see this video?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a whole lane, you know, of like, this is pup play. This is what this is considered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said something at the beginning, like do you, do you, does it matter, cause you hear it a lot, the, the, people talk to babies and children a certain way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, do you tell people to stop doing that, or does that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was originally solid and then this one is like a can but it's like moist like a wet food. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a Hungarian tradition. Yeaah, that's what we do. We did what we, like, so, uh, she's from a breeder. The first one we had was from a rescue. When we went to the breeder, it was like a Brussels fanatic, you know? Yeaah, yeaah. And they had like a ranch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, dog would pee and they'd just have like mops throughout the house to clean. Like it was a whole thing, right? And when we picked her up, the lady was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, just so you know what to feed her, and I was like, what? And she handed me a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, do you recommend cooking like that or it doesn't matter? That level?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. She has to have those anal glands expressed more than most dogs. Yeaah. Yep. Did you groom her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. You know when you do it, I just love it. Well yea, anybody who's had dogs, actually when you do those things, they immediately, it immediately registers. See the thing is, the reason why I learned to do it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a thrill, man. Go to Caesars Way and thanks for all the years of, uh, entertainment and information.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Hilarious. Did you go on, uhm, uh, platanitos here? Yeaah, it's kinda weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every day, cause I had it once like two years ago, but it was 1000% from Chlamydia. But now, which is nice, I'm not Chrissy Drip Drop anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Yes, therapy, a lot of meditation, a lot of reading, a lot of thinking about, you know, like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, and so now I'm sitting here with prostatitis and it's a different feeling because I'm like, I know it's not from an STD. I haven't had sex with anyone but my girlfriend in, you know, whatever it's, it's been. I haven't seen her in three weeks. So it's like, you know, I mean, I've been, the thing I literally think I could have like inflamed my prostate from jerking off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't explain to you like why I've been here for three weeks and it's been unbelievable. Like I've been jerking off to anything. Like everything. Yeah, I was jerking off to Anderson Cooper. Yep. Two days ago. Then this morning, Tucker Carlson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I just, I, I think when I was a kid, I just, uhm, you know, I kind of, I used, cause I used to take a pillow, I used to like masturbate on a pillow. I slept in the same room as my mom until I was about 13, 14 years old. So I used to like, you know, when she was sleeping, yeah, quietly just take a pillow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, cause I would do that so much, I would masturbate so much and just shoot blanks that the first time I did get just a little bit of jizz, I lived in the same house as my mom's sister and she used to watch me while my mom was at work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, and then ever since then, yeaah, so I just have a weird relationship with sex that I had to explore. Like I, for very long, I didn't realize, like I absolutely fall in love with men but have sex with women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think like, I'm not gay, right? I don't have any even really gay thoughts, like I've never thought about having sex with a guy. But I have talked to men for a long time, looked in their eyes, been fascinated by their conversation, and either went home and beat off or went home and had sex with a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, see this, is that a guy having sex with a guy? These are women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gay porn. Yeah. Oh, there we go. There you go. There's a guy sucking. Yeah, see this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I don't put to it like a duck to water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely bec- and I didn't realize that at first. At first I was like, oh, I'm a comedian on the road, and I- We get laid. It's what happens, it's part- and then I realized like the emptiness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After it was done, on not only me, the woman too. So I, we would constantly find each other, and that's what my therapist said, he was like, a lot of times, like a sex addict male will find a sex addict female, and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How often do you notice like women that you would have sex with that would never call you again or you never call them again? I was like almost 100%. How many, how often would they leave like right after you leave? I was like within 10 minutes every time. It was like, so it's, you were both the addiction addicts find each other. So it was like, so that's what you were doing. So I had to like just call Turkey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had the baby, like, on like the second or third date. Like, yeaah, she got pregnant, I was like, life's crazy! Spiraling, spiraling, spiraling, and not realizing, like, no dude, you're in the full, you know, addict swing right now, I had no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then a lot of things happened, you know, like, you know, ruin the relationship, uh, fucked a lot of things up, but I was like, oh, but I love my daughter, I'm always there for my daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fine, I'm a, you know, telling myself I'm a good father, I'm there, I'm present, but how many times did I push her in her swing DMing a girl? How many times was I like hiding my phone? How many times when her mom would bring me over, I would have to clean the apartment, realize all addict behavior. So then I got


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you ever get through it. I'm working through it but at a way better place than I am now. Back with my child's mom. Back in like wholesome family. Been out here for three weeks by myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, had many temptations, of course, and it's very, it's a lot easier now for me to be like, no, that's not what's gonna give me peace and balance. What's gonna, what's gonna give, cause I realized something


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having so many options, I realize, is actually not freedom. I kept saying to my kid's mom, I just want to be free. I, I, but that's not, it's the opposite of freedom. Having too many options is, you're absolutely in chains. Freedom to me now is having just one option, one great relationship with my daughter's mom, the concept of family, building a family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is like, I feel totally free. I feel like I have so much energy here for the last three weeks because I haven't act, I've been like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, 100% and I feel extremely


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, ready for any type of maybe success that might come my way and I'm not even, and like, oh, and my values and my value system has changed totally too. Like, for me now,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I want to do very well in comedy, of course. I'd love to have opportunities and do that, but really like the metric for me is how my daughter is developing and how my relationship with her mom is developing and the concept of family. So if those things are going well, which they are right now,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and yeah, and I think like saying, hey, I'm always working through this addiction is a, is a powerful thing. Cause Colin Quinn is like a mentor of mine. We've become very close friends in New York and he's, you know, 30 years sober. And he was kind of the one that first gave me the idea of like, have you ever thought about,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're addicted to this. He's like because, you know, there's a lot of men that have options or women that have options, but they don't act on them compulsively like you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you know, how many times are you going to bring four women into the comedy cellar? And, and he's like, it's all great and good. And you know, he's like, I think the women like you and you like them and you're nice to them and kind to them and it's all good. But how much do you want to do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, and they didn't feel good either. Like, you know, everything obviously was all good and consensual and that was fine, but it's, I feel like you just have to say that now. Yeah, you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a real quick side note, didn't rape anyone, and yeaah. So, so, but they felt empty too, cause I didn't even realize, like I noticed, like, they never call me ever again. Like, if I text them, and they'd be like, oh I had a great time, but I'm just not interested anymore. It's like, we were, the addicts were finding each other. Yeaah. Kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the opening message on a DM is their pussy. You know what I mean? Or the opening message is, hey, I, you know, hard eyes or I think you're hot or take me out for a drink and I'll give you the night of your life. Things like that. And I was like, yes, yes, yes, yes. Where another girl was like, Hey, do you want to like take me to dinner? I'm like, no, come on. Can I stick garlic sticks up your pussy? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She constantly kept taking me back after fucking up like you can't imagine, like constantly fucking up, but then being like, but I'm a nice guy, I love my daughter. Constantly her being like, this is your last chance. This is your last chance. And then finally, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just realizing like that is love on her part. Like I needed to catch up to her because that, you know, like you set the bird free and if it comes back, you know it's love. Like she set me free so many times and so many times I've been like begging to come back and so many times she's been like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know you, like we have a kid and I don't even know you because I'm just not paying attention because I'm not interested, I'm playing pretend. I was just constantly playing pretend with everyone. So I had to just realize that and like look in the mirror and be like, you fucking idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, and it was the same thing like, you know, like the, the options thing. I would ask for so many options because I thought that's what, oh, I'll get all these people's opinions when that is not your, again, that's the opposite of freedom. Now I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do I do? What do I do? Whereas just, who is your, who is your crew? Who is your circle of people? And I have those people. And I deal with them and then, but I ultimately like, you know, now make my own choices and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've just had to like, you know, be Chrissy uncomfortable at times and just tell people how I'm honestly feeling, which was always like, I just want you to like me. That's all I want you to do is like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, who then I saw a quote from my favorite comedian, Bill Cosby, and I saw-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's, so what happened was, is I had done that, kind of pseudo story in my Comedy Central hour special, size 38 waist, and uhm, and uh, and uh, it kind of came and went, because I was in a box, and you know, like the rules, like you can't say this, can't say that, but then actually on September 11th, two years ago,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like third or fourth comedian up at the Comedy Cellar and people were bombing because they weren't addressing that it was 9-11 and I just went on after a Muslim comedian who didn't address anything and I was just like- You had a couple drinks? Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, Tommy Segways. He was like, yea, he was like, he seems like a good kid. I looked him up. So he just called you a kid. Okay, yea. He was like, you guys seem like good kids. And then he was like, oh, they married over there? And I said, yea, him and his wife Christina. He was like, that's nice. He was like, you and, my girl's name is Jasmine. He was like, you and Jasmine should do something like that. I was like, she's not a comedian at all. He was like, who cares? Turn the cameras on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, what are you doing? Like you haven't drank or smoked anything. And he was like, let me fucking tell you one thing here, Chrissy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna hang, like, you know, I just had a barbecue by then. I'm like, uhm, you know, we just had a barbecue in my house. I was like, uh, you know, you wanna come by? We got some leftover food. He's like, oh, I'm in Tampa, Florida. I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your dad, growing up, must have been, it must have been wild. So he was a maniac, uhm, you know, when my mom, so how they met was, my, cause my mother's a very highly educated woman, like Ivy League school, like very, all about education, and you mean it's prim, proper, you know, comes with very well to do, not wealthy, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he started flirting with my mom. My mom said, she was like, she was like, I'm walking and the walk then all of a sudden one of those garbage pickup things, it pinches my butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I turn around and she's like, and it's this ugly man with an orange jumpsuit on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have me. They have me. And then it's just like, you know, it's like kind of history repeats itself because then her whole life what? Cause then they got divorced immediately cause, you know, Catholic one, pregnant, let's get married. Then divorced immediately cause my mother was like, big mistake. Huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they get divorced, and then my mother's whole life was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I played, got sent right back home, quick for like three days in Ireland, sent home. What were you, a point guard? Point guard. I was a shooting guard in college and then a point guard. Where'd you go to college? St. Joseph's Division 3 school. Yea, yea. It was a very, very small school. You gotta be a pretty decent basketball player.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just happens, like, I remember one day, one of my aunts, her husband was killed. Her husband and her son, I was six months old, so I guess my cousin, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody would drop a bag off in cash. I guess it was the family that like whacked my aunt's husband and their son. Like that was like old school mafia tactics, like whatever they did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just kind of act the way they act, like my dad's, my uncle, he wasn't my dad's brother, but it was like close uncle, like I had an uncle, Bobby Petz, who is a real guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he had like a, like an air conditioner and two fans on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was like, you know, sweltering New York City heat, and I was like, I feel like I was like 12 at the time, you know, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, so that's kinda how my dad operated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's still the same guy, like he's, but he's gotten older and like, you know, like I remember when I met, you know, my kid's mom, you know, she's a beautiful Puerto Rican girl. And like, I remember my dad's like sitting there. He was like, she's got a hot mom for the old man. I'm like, you're on dialysis right now with your wife standing right next to you. And then like, you know, and then she's like, it's like a crazy like, kind of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Life and uhm, but he's like a great guy and like the, my dad is like right intentions, wrong move. Like the best father you could ever ask for. Like he's never missed a moment. Anything significant in my life, my father's been there. Always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you know, before I was born, I think he was just like living a crazy life with crazy people. And still, there's craziness there, but he was always like, he's the best dad, like, and the best grandfather, you know, like, absolutely like, cause he's like this tough guy, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember we were cleaning out, uh, my daughter's, uh, room when she got a little older. Maybe she was like two or three and we found like these stuffed animals and they had little diapers on them. And I was like, who was putting diapers on the stuffed animals? And my stepmom was like, your father was practicing diapers while the baby was coming. But you know, he would never admit that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he, when I started doing comedy, he was always like, whatever you want to do, like, I'll support you. So like, he was like, you know, obviously don't mention the real names of some of these guys. He's like, because I just, you know, I don't want to, I don't want you to get in trouble. He's like, but whatever you want to do, do. So even like, cause, you know, I was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, physical therapist. So I had to get like a doctorate degree to become a physical therapist. Cause I told you, my mother was all about education. So for her, she was like, you're not going to end in college. Like you need to go through graduate school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went all the way to get, it's funny too, it's just like, it's sometimes like I start telling stories and I'm like, oh, I remember this, my dad, first of all, I, you know, it's a doctorate level program. So it's like, you're with some like really ritzy kids, right? Like, you know, smart kids, whatever. And, you know, I applied myself, I think I, I got into the graduate program like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got in for, my grades were okay, my GPA was okay, but I think because I played on teams and was like about teamwork, the dean took a chance on me and let me, I don't think I should have qualified for the doctorate level program, but I proved myself that I could do it because I had like a good GPA and just applied myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was proud and I was actually second in line to be the valedictorian. I tied. I tied which is like crazy because I was like you know an idiot kid from Brooklyn that talks like a fucking sewer cap but then I have like a 3.9 GPA in a doctorate level program so they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was between me and this girl who was valedictorian because we both are tied and they were like, you know, who do you want to give the speech? And I, I was like, look, the way I talk and look, I probably shouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who I was yet, you know, was just names on a list. I showed up and I was like, Oh, I'm looking for room 501. She was like, are you the, are you the maintenance crew? Are you here to clean? Cause we had a spill. I was like, no, I'm a student. She was like, what's your name? And then just like looking, she was like, Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Imam starts doing a prayer in Muslim, and we're like very much like, you know, I'm sitting with the student body, getting a doctorate degree, so it's prestigious, and you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because you know, even from like an early age, like you said, you were young when that happened. Like even, you know, that happened when I was, whatever, 27.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flashback, I was like 8, we were at my cousin's recital and it was just me, my dad, and my cousin because our moms couldn't make it because they were working or something. So it was, you know, Saturday afternoon, like, you know, the ballet is going on, the recital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bunch of eight and nine year old kids and a little girl's doing it and my cousin's up and it's nice. I mean, you know, I'm a kid. I'm like kind of paying attention. I don't really care. I'm just like drag there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, and you know, it's like intermission. I'm like, I'll never forget. My dad's like, oh, this is nice. It's halftime. I never called it halftime. And it's like intermission. And it's like, you can hear like a pin drop again, like dead silence. And she's like about to say something like, Hey, like it's intermission or whatever. And my dad just yells, I'll never forget. Like it was like in slow motion. He goes, show your bush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like, you know, like he would do- but again, like the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The greatest father. Like, I can't explain to you, like, such a great dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything. I mean, he just wanted to make sure I had a good life and it was like again, like right intentions, wrong move, like he took me. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the Hakuna Matata, I don't remember if anybody laughed because I- Because you go into- you probably had adrenaline shooting through your body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dwight Gooden's pitching a no-hitter, like, it's, and I'm, you know, a little kid, and I'm just happy to be at the game with my dad, and my dad's like, we're not gonna fucking watch a no-hitter from up here, we gotta go down behind home plate, and I'm like, well, we don't have tickets for that, you know? He's like, just listen to everything I tell you to do. It's like a swear to God, like, true 100% story. This is like, crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's just like certain things block out and then certain things you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, yes, also, I forgot about this part. Also, it's 1996, I'm in 6th grade, my father, I had a humongous science project due the next day that I did not complete in time, my father comes from Staten Island to pick me up for the game, my mother's like, Tony,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care what's going on. Again, no cell phones yet. I don't care what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are the rules, I don't care if he needs to come home, and do not give him any soda. As soon as my mother shuts the door, we get to the corner, my dad takes out a fucking Mountain Dew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I told my dad, you know, it was like, maybe like nine o'clock at night, I'm like, oh, it's like the third or fourth inning, he goes, we'll stay one more inning, like, whatever, like, it's, what's, we'll tell your mother's train problems, don't worry about it. So I'm like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're going down, and then the security guard, you know, this is again pre-9-11, so you could just walk around the stadium. So the security guard's there at the top of the seats that are going directly down behind home plate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he sees two or three open seats. He goes, hey, I see two or three open down there. Can I just, you know, it's my kid's fucking first game and twice pitching. And no, no, like you understand, my dad's going to pull out cash, you know, cash. And the security guard says, put your money away. That's not going to work on me. He goes, I understand. He goes, well, my kid's got special needs. I swear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, he's a wrestler, like my favorite wrestler. He's like, oh my god. And then he, I'll never forget, he goes, yo, perfect. Drop the mister. He goes, yo, perfect. He goes, can my son get an autograph? And then mister perfect says no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then like a few minutes- This guy right here. Yeah, Mr. Perfect. And then my- a few minutes go by, a few minutes go by, and my dad taps him on the shoulder again and he goes, perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kids got special needs. I swear to God, and then I got the autograph. And it's one of those things where people are like, you make that up for a bit, like it's too, and I'm like, no, no, no, no, you have to understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. All those, yeaah, like barbecues. I didn't realize, like, when you ever go to a barbecue at my father's house in the 90s, like, so much fun, like characters and characters. I, I do a joke about it and, um, I did David Letterman. David Letterman. Another story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There, if you want, ever watch my David Letterman stuff, you don't have to, but the only reason I'm bringing it up is because about three minutes into


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The biggest set of my life at that time for sure, uhm, you see like me look up and then look down and then like get back into the set. It's because my father, mother and one of my friends from home and my aunt were there, like, and my stepmom, you know, my core family members and friends, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad in the middle of the set decides that my mom is the one sitting center.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, you weren't, you know, my friend told me after, he's like, there was a commotion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like, they know who's sitting where, they're like, hey, we know that's your kid, if you don't stop, we will throw you out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so it's uhm, but I tell a story a bit on Letterman about one of my dad's friends. They were like, I always noticed, and it's just like a true thing. I always noticed that they always had like companies that I knew weren't real. That's how I knew like there was some illegal activity going on because I was like, there's not a real


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made up like nickname for him for the show but the truth is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would sell, like, you know like on fences, like there's little parts, like, like excess wire? He told me once, that's what his company goes, you ever go into a fence in a nice neighborhood, there's little twisty things on top of the fucking pipes? I make those. That's what I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think because, you know, my mom, it's very different lives, like Monday to Friday was my mom all about education, we're working on our words, we're pronouncing our R's, we're gonna be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, my mother would always say like, you know, like when you go into a party, you know, introduce yourself, ask a question, show you're interested, all that stuff. So I would just like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was maybe like 2000, I don't remember the exact year, maybe 2007. Humongous sting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, I mean, again, just a fuckin', like, the greatest dad in the world. That's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even like stories like that aren't really even like cause I just feel like it's like unfair in like these times now where like the woke police will just like want to persecute someone. It's like very like fascist where they're like if you don't agree with me you're like the worst person like my dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And on the coast there were like these little bungalows were like a lot of like, you know, like Latinos lived and was like kind of like, like low income housing, but it was mostly Latinos living there. And my dad every day would rent a U-Haul truck or whatever, help them unload stuff in and out of the truck, uh, you know, get them on their feet for two weeks. He had a family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In his house, cause his house wasn't really damaged, in his basement, let them live, would take the kids to and from school every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As the people that you claim to hate, you know, if you hate Trump or you hate anybody in power, you're like, you're just, you, everything being, it's like life is not easy. There's different, there's different phases and every group of human beings, every decade we have to deal with a new crisis. That's just what life is. But it's like, if you're going to sit here and say that 2020


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is not, is, is worse than the 1800s in New York. It's like, you're being a victim, you're being entitled to being narcissistic. It's like, stop. Like, really understand like how good things are, even in the midst of the pandemic, as compared to the 1800s or 1900s. It's absurd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like people in the middle. I like centrist people. I'm like, if you're taking a fucking stand on one side or the other, I'm just like, you're probably too much for me. Like I need to know, I'm Chrissy down the middle, I'm Chrissy Greyzones. So which way is it gonna go? You know? That's what I like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all that guy would wear. And fucking suit jackets, sweatpants, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anytime you ask like an old Italian man, or I-I say it's mostly Italian, if you're like from New York and you ask them all, what'd you do for a living? And if they say many things, you know, they're telling you that I'm in the mafia, that's like the little code. They say many things. That's how you know. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've had three Starbucks pumpkin scones this morning. Three. They're 500 calories each. Chrissy bitch hips. Yeah, I just, yeah dude, I need


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I love this guy. Yeah, he's the best. I mean, that guy, like, literally, that's a guy, that's a guy for me. Yeah, me too. That's a guy for me, I don't care, it's like what, political affiliations, like, I'm just looking at him as a human being, that's a guy for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but business-wise, you guys are fantastic with the business. I mean, fantastic, like, absolutely, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Admirable and inspirational.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to do one, I'm doing one on October 23rd, 8pm, ChristyComedy.com, but I was like, man, like watching the way you guys promo and all that stuff, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, you guys are obviously excellent at the show, but the business part, which I think a lot of us forget in entertainment, is like, that's way as important, maybe more, you know, where I'm like, man, like fucking,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's what we gotta do, so I've been trying to focus more on that, like how do I, I gotta like bring people to, that's why I've been on Patreon a lot, because I feel like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can cancel anybody out here, like, we gotta have a place where it's like, I wanna be able to say whatever the fuck I want, and if the person wants to pay five bucks for it, they can pay five bucks for it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then uhm, actually we just did an episode on the History of the Hyenas podcast, it's about uhm, this guy Clarence King, who's like, we call him like the original Sean King, because like, Sean King, you know, you guys know Sean King, it's like, you know, it's like, activist, activist, but he's clearly white, he's just saying he's black, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, what? Like dude, I don't care, the only problems I have is like, okay, you wanna start, you know, if you're starting something with a lie, it's like a problem, but it's like, hey, if you're doing good for the community, great. But it's like, a lot of times they'll lie and like incite shit, and you're like, that's the issue I have with you, dude. But, so we found this guy, Clarence King, who pretty much like, just like liked this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he was a white guy and then he just saw a black woman walking towards him in like the 1920s and was like, there's no way this girl's gonna go out with me if I say I'm white. So he just introduced himself as a black man. He was like, hey, I'm black. Here's my name. And then they got married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a fascinating thing. That's what our podcast is. We just find things in history. That's fat. So this dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, because he at the end of his, so he had a wife, he had a white wife and three white kids, and then married this woman. Oh. His black wife and had kids with her, and it was only on his deathbed did he ever say, hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm white. I've never been black. Because back then, in that time, in this time, if you, because the white


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like all, like on Patreon, like we're doing a morning show there every Wednesday, like just saying wild shit about the news. We do a conspiracy show. We do like- You guys have good chemistry together. We feed it. Yannis and I try to feed it. So it's patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys if you guys wanna-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check it out in support. Cause I just feel like then you become like invincible. Like I feel like you guys can't be cancelled. Andrew Schultz and Tim Dillon, these guys can't, none of them can be cancelled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I want that, you know? Like even now I'm doing a pilot for True TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you were gonna cancel me, it kind of almost helps in a weird way, even though, like, I don't wanna go through that. It's like, oh, because then it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've only come with things like from love, like if I was gonna make like a racist joke, it's like, it's cause I'm, it's a joke. Like I love people, I'm from New York, we love everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, no, uhm, I won't do anything to support the Chinese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, my dad fucking, so, he was like with all like the defund the police thing. Like he, like they had one, they had a march in Bay Ridge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is like a fucking crazy part of Brooklyn, like outskirts, like it's probably like a red, you know, votes red area. But it was so funny dude, like they tried to fucking do like a little protest through Bay Ridge and it just didn't work there to defund the police. And then the Bay Ridge guys came out with signs that said, refund the police. They were like, refund them! Give them more fucking money! I say we pay them double time! And the people just like left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ant tells this fucking, the way she told the story to us once where I was, we were like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So her husband is originally from Utah. Okay. And his sister, when she was like, I don't know, 16, no, not 16, 19 in like the seventies, goes on a date with this guy. And my answer is like telling a story, goes on a date with this guy and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's like, you know, she's like, she's on the date with this guy, she's just like, there's like a sociopathic look in his eyes, like he's dead inside, like he picked her up and it's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's just like, I just feel extremely uncomfortable. Like I cannot explain. I'm just shivering with fear. I don't want to be here anymore on the date. Cause she would ask him questions and she was like, it would, it would like bounce off him and he'd give like a programmed response, like robotic in the seventies. And she was like, I'm, I was very uncomfortable with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so she called her brother, my aunt's husband, to come pick her up. And he was like, okay, so comes picks her up. They go back. No problem. Her brother is going out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next morning at like 6.30 in the morning for like his paper route or something like that, the job that he had. And the guy on the date from the night before runs out of the bushes. So he was waiting at the house to like do something, whatever. And it's like so creepy and weird and like it just stayed. It stayed with this woman for so long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just looking through me at the way that I felt so violently uncomfortable, and it was fucking Ted Bundy. He already killed women at that time, and like was 100% just gonna kill this lady. Which, I was like, how sick is that? And that, when I looked at that guy, I just thought of that Ted Bundy story, I was like, that's like a little, it's like a gender fluid Ted Bundy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing with me too, people are always like, oh you're athletic, it's a fucking, it's a mirage dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my friends, Russ, got fucking annihilated this summer in Long Beach, New York, got into a humongous fist fight, got his fucking ass kicked, cause he popped off, they were drunk, he popped off on someone and he thought he could handle himself cause he was take, he had taken a month of cardio kickboxing. It's like cardio kickboxing? That's shit my mom does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my friends, when I was 19 years old, just decided to get circumcised. This kid just decided to get circumcised. Polish kid, born in Poland, he was dating this girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, yeah, well you got circumcised, like why would you get circumcised like we're 19?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, we go to the hospital, I go to the hospital with him because he's like, his dick is just like, I mean he had a little dick and now it's like, really like, it's like, he's like, I can't even pee, like my dick is inside my body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we go and we're waiting in the ER and a guy comes in who had, from a boxing gym, the reason why I bring it up, comes in a boxing gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had just, he was boxing, sparring with someone and allegedly the story of like what we were hearing from the nurses was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He thought he was a little bit better at boxing than he was and trained with someone who was professional or semi-professional and they were kind of like digging in on each other and the professional hit him with an uppercut and skimmed his nuts by accident and split his nut sack open and his balls fell out of his sack from a box, because that fucking guy thought that he could fight a pro fighter in, you know, some fucking sparring gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who I heard is a fan- I did this show, I hosted this show with Fat Joe, the rapper Fat Joe, who's the fucking greatest guy of all time. Yeah. But, so, you know, I haven't seen him in a few years, but when we did the show he told us his story, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You fucking are, Kelly, is like the baddest motherfucker of all time. Like, will beat the shit out of anybody and then like sing, you know, his songs. Like, I never knew. He was like, dude, he was like, you know, cause I said to him, I was like, you know, being like a tough rapper, I was like, who's a guy like you would never


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck, what he was like, you honestly want my real answer, bro? Mark Kelly. I was like, Mark Kelly? He was like, dude, he's a real motherfucker, as real as it gets. And then I was like, holy shit balls. So I would never think that Mark Kelly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've been watching the video when he urinated on that girl because I have the prostatitis and I'm trying to get motivation to pee because I can't pee right now because my prostate is too swollen. So that's the only thing I could do. Yeah. So I don't know. I, I, yeah, I don't, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys. And on the, what is it, 16th? October 23rd. Sorry, October 23rd. At ChrisDComedy.com, live stream show anywhere in the country. You can buy tickets right now anywhere in the world. And then October 8th to the 11th, I'm on tour with Andrew Santino. The Steamy Windows Tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drive-ins, Cape Cod, Massachusetts, which I believe is sold out, and then, uh, Butler, Pennsylvania, Scranton, Pennsylvania, and Delaware. Nice. Come check this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, I'm watching Netflix, I'm watching Full House, this is uhm, my kid right here, she's watching Full House too, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Saatva. Go to Saatva.com slash the shit to get $225 off the new Solair mattress and Saatva mattress company always provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now is the time to build your website using Squarespace. I personally have built


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A nightmare because it's so jumbled up, not at Squarespace. They have such high quality designers for everything. You have a physical business, you have a wedding coming up, you want to share baby pictures with family members, there's a million reasons


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To build a new website with Squarespace. They have e-commerce, lets you sell anything, everything is optimized for mobile right out of the box. Analytics, 24-7 award-winning customer service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too, and now that I'm an expert on uhm, people on the spectrum from our new On The Spectrum Dating Show. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last week it was Indian matchmaking, and now- Yes, which is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So good. And now it's autistic people dating. There's nothing better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, we've been in contact with him since. Yeah. Texting and we've been exchanging videos and jokes and he really was such a, he both, and Jamie Lynn obviously too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like kind of like Goofus and Gallant in Highlights Magazine as a child. I don't know if you ever encountered that. Like very simple morality plays that people can understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like seriously, he'd be like, like what, not to them, but he'd be like, this fucking guy, look at his fucking face, the soup tastes better than this fucking guy's face. Like he would say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, well I have to admit, as you know I'm a huge Tyler Perry fan, I love his Madea movies and those were based on plays that you do. Yeah, morality plays. And sometimes the characters are really on the nose like that, like they'll say shit like, I wish you were never born, or like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know, I learned this on Dr. Drew's show, that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt, back in the day when they give people IQ tests, there's categories like idiot and imbecile. Yeah. And I'm thinking maybe these videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a guy on Instagram who wants to follow. His name is Jay Shetty. S-H-E-T-T-Y. Yeah, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's a little more, I like those guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sophisticated, right? Definitely. Uhm, but yeaah. I like them, like I'll watch them on the toilet and I'll be like, that was a good one. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I've had shitty parents and they don't, that was light. Like that's not even really what they do. They'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who says this? You gotta, it's, the dialogue needs a punch up, is what they call it. This is the first round.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, do you realize that his dad had a life-changing epiphany that usually takes like so much internal work to have? Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And wouldn't the son know to sneak around? Like he's wearing makeup. Why would he come in in full makeup if he knows his dad is going to beat the shit out of him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how he just holds up the magazine too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Darman? Is he like, is he first generation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it might be written in a second language, do you know what I'm saying? Like, English might not be his.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you what the allure might be? Is that this is not how it actually works in real life. Like when you have a parent that disapproves of you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But doesn't it fall in line with people wanting a simple answer to life's complicated gray areas? Like, this is a complicated issue. I'm gay. I like makeup. My dad wants me to be a basketball player. It will disapprove of me if I follow my dreams. Just follow your dreams. Like, okay, it's not that simple. You're gonna lose your dad's love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, but he talks like these scripts, like. Yes. And I'll see you. He writes these. He must write these. He does. A hundred percent. Absolutely he does. Cause he talks as simply as these scripts are like, thanks, Dar Man fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I think these guys are all gonna come back once the Comedy Store is open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you can't keep these fools out of the store. You'll be back Joe Rogan once that comedy store is open. Because they love it. And I'm gonna miss seeing Joey Diaz and Rogan around. It breaks my heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think, where do you think Rogan's gonna go? You know what a maniac, he does his podcast and then he loves to go to the comedy store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, uh, now that so many of our peers are leaving, it's like, well, what is, why stay here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I've, I think a few things is what I would be willing to do. I like, I was thinking like since everywhere is dog shit to me but LA, like why don't we move somewhere like short pump in, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The richest badass people of like, short pump. You know, cause it doesn't fucking matter to me, where we live. We may as well go big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm autistic. I think after watching that show that I need to get tested cause I'm not autistic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what's going on in my brain. I have no filter and that's a sign of autism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like the altitude in Denver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like off the rails, California. I like those crazy places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, how about this though, I don't like snow. Can we avoid snow?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I like Texas too. Texas isn't crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like Austin. Humidity in the summertime, if you can handle that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have no family except in Florida, your family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'd have to take Florida. Really? I like Florida. I've spent a lot of time there doing stand-up. There's a lot of comedy clubs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's how I aspire to communicate. And that's, it's like, what do you like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like Asperger's better than Asburger. Asburger. And you know what I love too is that, first of all, I love watching you watch a dating show. I think it's more about when you softening, like you said, you get to see how you're sitting right now. You're happy even just talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll watch Tom, and if he enjoys the couple he's watching, his hands go together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but what was that show, uh, was it Elimidate? When they would take like five people, another five people in a van and just load them up with booze?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how they would play it. That's because this is a foreign, this is Australian, and I think that's why two Americans need that like, then they repeat everything in the American, it's like, Jesus. But anyway, I was still, I didn't finish my thought, is that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was going to say too, what I love about the autistic show is that the men all fall in love with the girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. That's why I want to date Michael. You know, like he really cherishes his wife and really, really wants to be nice to his wife and cherish her. Do you know what I mean? The kind of guy that really loves his wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so sick of that, and you know what sucks is we were watching our Indian matchmaker show, and then Tom goes, can we pause for a minute? And it's in a nice moment, and he's like, I gotta watch Ed Asner again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, can I tell you? Here's why, and we analyzed why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so shocking to us because he was making- I'll swallow if I want to. Stop it! Yes. He was making an insane request.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, now when I see RPC masturbate, I'm kinda like, that's sweet, because I know him so well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't need to see you come on the first clip. You gotta court me a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it takes me minutes. You're gonna ruin my time before a guest gets here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't do that. Why? Don't do that. You want your mom to see this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you gonna give her? This one's gonna be a big payment, you know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's gonna be traumatized. I'm traumatized and I have a pretty high threshold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe that's why I'm repulsed by it, and I don't know why you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, it's probably because you haven't had a guy come on you yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You just need him to come on you once and you won't think this is too funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great. Well, you know what I really loved about the Asperger show? Is uhm, the Asperger show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That girl, she's highly desired in the community. All the boys love her. She doesn't love any of the guys. The red haired girl. And she burps on the first date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, what would you have done if I farted on the first date? Do you feel like that's a deal breaker on the first date? I don't think, I think the way that she farted. It's the red haired girl. Where's the redhead?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you ruined our life together, I don't know what I would do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm just being 100 right now, like, I could see it, I could see myself getting crazy like that. Be like, thanks, Tom. Yeah. Well, that's just truth. That's called love, bitch. I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one's sad. That was just an innocent bystander.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, Dr. Drew and I watched the clip of your hilarious Asian moped going up the ramp. Yeah. And Drew's like, that guy's dead. That guy dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're in fashion now. It's what happened to female comedians. Like they didn't want to hear shit from me for like a decade or so and now they want to hear from you. So it's your time. Enjoy it.