[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a girl that, um, her name's Jenna. She's a friend. She's a friend now. Alright, let's see. She was a random girl at the time. She just got out of her car. Look at these arms. Yea, the arms are upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, uh, he said, uh, like I just explained to you, because I said I'm gonna go into Target, and that's when she started recording.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't a big deal, I think. I acted the way she acted as soon as I had a camera on. Because then I knew this was all being recorded, so... You were safe, yea. Yea, I had a sense of safety. Before that, yea, it was like, I mean, what if they shoot me and no one sees, you know what I mean? Oh my gosh, yea. As soon as the camera went on, yea, I was just like her, that's fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, one thing we learned in 2020 is that the internet is even more awesome than we thought. Groceries online, movies online, doctor visits online, and of course, going to the post office online with Stamps.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com allows businesses to do all their mailing and shipping right from their computer. No need to leave your home or office or your home office. Stamps.com has saved small businesses all over the country. Thousands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of hours and tons of money. We've used stamps.com for years. It is such an easy surface you can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use your own computer to print official U.S. Postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send it. And once your mail is ready, you just schedule a pickup or drop it off. It's just that simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And go to Stamps.com instead. There's no risk. And with my promo code MOM, you get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Mom. That's Stamps.com promo code Mom. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. I hope you're not gonna say the names correctly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to, thank you. So my show sold out in Addison, we're adding a late show on Thursday night, that's February


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, March 11th through 13th, Gashville. Gashville, Tennessee. Nashville at Zany's. Tickets at Christina P. online. Get them now, cause these rooms are smaller capacity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Online icon, that's right. And also check out where my mom's at, if you haven't already. Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about come on? Come on, huh? For Omaha? Come on? No, too far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck yeaah, dude. Listen, this tragedy shit has been nothing but a victory for the saguras.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you, covid diet, I'm down to like 8 pounds. I still really can't taste shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been great. I haven't drank alcohol. I haven't been abusing myself by doing what this guy's doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, don't you think it's condescending when anybody says, I'll pray for you. Like go fuck yourself. Go pray for yourself. Don't worry about me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what I did like is that I learned the German word for gypsy, and it's very similar to the Hungarian word for gypsy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's Cigain in Hungarian, and I think in German it was like CIGANTA. Oh yea. Ciga. It was very similar. So that was nice to learn a new racial slur too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That it's true when she's like, I'm a Roma. I was like, well, you know, what do you expect to kind of that's what happens. What do you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a nice guy. Not nice at all. Did you know that not only did he take in Jays,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We saw that one, and then thank you so much for convincing me to watch, which I never do, your nightly-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing blow, dancing sailors, I'm a child, and this a-hole


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Richard the menace. Richard! Can I tell you something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in the valley. So remember in a dog, do you remember the night sucker that fucking asshole?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for god sakes. But let me tell you the best part. Obviously. Of watching those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, Richard Ramirez murdered a woman in Arcadia, murdered a woman in Northridge, Woodland Hill. Plus I'm like, I've lived in like all these places. Like I grew up, I have a friend right now that lives in Arcadia. So it's very like close to home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I love it because he was from East Lowe's wasn't he?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, real bad guy, do you think that with all the stuff that you've watched, all these murder shows, do you think at this point you could become like a forensic detective or a murder detective, homicide?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God bless the, the policemen that found this asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I love? What's the guy who he was, he's from, wasn't he from East Los Angeles as well? The, uhm, detective that found Richard Ramirez. He grew up in a gang neighborhood, he went into the army, he went to college, gets married, has kids, and then like, becomes one of the, the best youngest detectives in LAPD.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just thought that was so inspiring and so great. I just love people like that who work so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really good. I just can't watch that much violence. I was like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well hold on, may I segue, this is a perfect segue now, and I normally don't listen to these stuff, listen to this kind of stuff, but I got into the Bill Cosby podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ohhhh. So this psycho, it's called Chasing Cosby, and the LA Times reporter, I believe is the one who's the writer of these articles and who's the host of the show. And it follows some of the accusers, uh, the victims, and, ehh, I mean, that's, he is just demonic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You listen to these accounts, I'll give you a t- the stories are all very similar, okay? Here's just the recipe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, Cosby would befriend not only the women, so a lot of people think you get raped by strangers. I'm sure this does happen. Most of the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what they're saying in this podcast is that it's most of the time it's men you know and sometimes for years. So Cosby would rape people, women, that he'd known for seven years in some instances. Not only would he befriend the women, he would befriend the family, he'd find some young girl at a casting call or something for his show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, you know, I'm looking out for your daughter. I'm treating her like my own child. I'm gonna hook her up in Hollywood. Can she come to a show of mine in Vegas? Yeah, of course, Mr. Cosby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the women would like get up if they can and leave. And then he would like call them the next day like, hey, why'd you leave?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the craziest part. Why'd you leave? Send them like, uh, he sent one woman a tree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's a CEO? CEO is like a psychopath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you see how well he's inside of Cosby's head? That was scary. Like, that would take me years to even get to. He was like, I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but yes, you're right, there's a sense of like, and what's interesting is, he would still treat these women like children, and so you gotta protect, you gotta look out for yourself. Why are you drinking? Why are you doing that stuff? Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, so, so, sorry, he would, he would basically be like, uhm, you shouldn't leave your way, would he tell the victims that after he was done assaulting them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Yeah. Yes, Cosby too, didn't, he felt- That's him. There, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, cause Cosby in depositions admitted to drugging and rape, but in his mind, we had a few drinks, we did some quaaludes, and we had sex. It wasn't rape. I just, we just did some fun drugs together, without you knowing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in his mind that was consent, if the girl was in his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so dark, you guys, really, it's such a good list, and I don't really like, like I said, crime podcast, but the fact that it's a comedian, my goodness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. You know, I made homemade matzo balls the other day, and I sent him a picture. I said, I'm making matzo ball soup. And he was like, fuck you, fuck your soup. He really hates anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Merikari, the marketplace app that makes it easy to give my unused items a new life when I get rid of them. It's the simple way to say goodbye by selling your stuff to someone who actually wants it. And when a buyer says hello, you make some money. Perfect, we're moving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going through stuff and it's just the best way to give my, my loved items to somebody who actually wants it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once you download Mercari, you just have to take pics of your stuff at a description and it's listed when it's sold. Mercari makes it easy by emailing you a shipping label so you can box up your item and send it on to its new home. So you're not having to meet strangers in any uncomfortable settings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shopping on Mercari saves you money. You'll find practically new items at up to 70% off!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your stuff might be exactly what someone else is looking for. So turn your goodbye into their hello on Mercari. Start buying and selling when you download today from the app stores or at mercari.com. That's M-E-R-C-A-R-I. Mercari, your marketplace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, uh, hiya Hitlers. I don't think any of y'all are- Hey, did you see I said y'all for the first time? I'm texting now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Y'all are fully correct on the intentions of the bootlickers fetish. To me, that seems to be more in the lane of voyeurism. I don't partake myself, although I do enjoy the videos of a queen above 18 using one of those wireless vibrators any has referenced before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could easily see this talked guy's Dom, there you go, instructing him to go out in public and lick my boot. There you go. The jerking off part would come later and so would he. Piss on me, B.E.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same lane. Cause every time now I take my underwear off at the end of the day, I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just throwing money in the trash at this one, in the hamper. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's great too. Hygiene, I'm a paramedic, but I sell panties on the side. Typically unprotected sex is a plus. Also, not wiping is definitely a thing and is very tricky. Hope this helps. Love from Nashville Candy. Candy, this, I want more. I want an essay, Candy. Tell me more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this person does say that the not wiping thing is very tricky. Yes. I agree, that can lend itself to many medical problems for women. You gotta wipe your stuff front to back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, is this like Jessica Simpson, remember she had an engagement ring from her dad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a promise ring. You remember that? It's true. Jessica Simpson had a promise ring from her dad so that she would save herself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, her virginity ring. See look, Jessica Simpsons. You guys, do you remember this shit? Mm-mm. 2005. I can't read that shit, bro. I'm 44. I'm fucking half dead. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that I've written about Jessica Simpson as a creepy dad before. Okay, here we go. Jessica Simpson's father, Joe, made the singer promise to stay a virgin until she married during a ceremony when she was 12.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Simpson, who doubles as Jessica's manager, handed the 24 year old a promise ring and vowed to be the only man in her life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly though, having a dismissive dad made me want a nice guy. So I actually think the opposite is better, like my dad let me work from the time I was 13.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, you know what's gonna happen? Let me tell you, this is the princess shit. She's never gonna find someone that loves her as much as daddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never heard of him before, this awesome story. You've seen him though. You've seen him in things. He's familiar, sure. He works a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's why I like those two, is that it's a victimless crime. Sure. Panty snips, you got two willing people participating, same with the bootleg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just fun. It's silly. I do like to make fun of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's where he's from. Yeah, he was cute. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, hold on, if I fuck you into a vegetation, but she's bleeding. Okay, sorry, I'm just making sure I understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't like when people do this to celebrities or to other people. Voicemails and stuff. Yea, it's really shit. Especially because, look, is this a fantasy that he's playing out with someone? I mean, that's what I think it is. Then that's private.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weird, I love it and I want to know more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this is a tricky one to oblige, this fetish, right? Cause you're essentially gonna kill the person that you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember a few years ago there was a story about this German man who put an ad on Craigslist asking for somebody to eat. He goes, I want to take a slice of you, of your leg, of your penis, and people volunteered to have this man eat pieces of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you need to walk for? You just lay on a pile on the floor and I'll fuck you whenever I walk past you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just seeing one side of this. Well hopefully it ends at just the fantasy. I mean look, here's why I'm a little concerned. I agree. I'm a little concerned about the deer. I killed the deer, I ripped its heart out, I ate it, that's a little acting out. It starts with animals, does it not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, I think I've like, I've never heard of it, I'm still shocked by it. And uhm, I'm just having a very visceral, normal reaction, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, may I ask you a question? Most importantly, before we started this interview, I noticed you were very fit, but you were eating a hot dog. And Tom and I were debating, what kind of hot dog were you eating?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good job casting, I just have to say you guys nailed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2021, is there any better time to have an online presence? You must build a website using Squarespace. Turn your cool idea into a new website. Showcase your work, blog or publish content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sell products and services of all kinds. Promote your physical or online business. Announce an upcoming event or a special project. Share baby pictures. Do whatever but you need


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A website, and I love Squarespace. I have used it several times to build websites. Their templates are just so clean and intuitive and user friendly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, they have e-commerce that lets you sell anything. You can customize the look and feel. Everything is optimized for mobile right out of the box. You know, most people look at your website on their, uh, mobile phone, so it's perfect for that. 24-7 award-winning customer support. There's nothing to patch or upgrade. God, that's the worst, isn't it? They make you do that. The worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go, that's exciting. You know what's interesting is your casting is really violent asshole. That's your lane. You're good at playing an a-hole and you're good at being violent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it makes me laugh so much because it's something I totally, I kind of, I relate to it. Like don't you want, you want to be someone else at some point in your life. Very few people actually go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I follow her on Instagram and I hear her saying this shit all the time. I forgot what I was gonna say now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna say, I think what made it, uh, more, what added insult to injury is that yeaah, it's not even a crime. It's the explanation videos that really buried her because it was like seven minutes of just nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I spent a lot of time in Spain, and then I spent some time in Boston, and like, I really, I'm just, I love being bilingual, and if you don't, you respect my culture. It was like, oh boy. I have family there, my parents live there. Yeah, just come out and say it, like, you know what? I kind of, I want, yeah. I just, I think Spanish is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I thought it was cool. And like, uh, for a while I'm pretending to be Spanish. I think I got caught up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The night, the best part she goes, I moved to New York when I was 19 and I never looked back. Like, okay, well, theoretically that's true. She came to college or something from, she moved from Boston though to New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the best is, so your parents are, well my fam- my family's from many different places. It's like watching, uhm, CNN when they interview some politician, they never-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So did I actually. I learned about it in Hungary for the first time I went there in Budapest. I'm like, oh, this is cool. And then it's here. But I wouldn't say like, when I came to this country I saw this before I came to this country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have really good posture when I choose to, I've noticed, cause I forget, but Pilates gave me really good posture. I just wanted you to acknowledge, cause I feel as though I do a lot of really cool things around the house, or just in life, and I don't get the acknowledgement I deserve. I let out a really big fart this morning, nothing from you. Silence. 30 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get those sharp panties out? Dude, travel panties would be the best. Those are the gnarliest, right? Just sitting and still in that airplane for hours. Ugh, gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at the diverse crowd. We have paramedics who sell panties, sex workers, elevator technicians. Amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, I heard that shit fall when I was in college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard that shit fall on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women are fucking stupid. I know. She said it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if he's making all the money, women should clean up unprompted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't I take you, I clean you, I bathe you, I milk your D, I make sure you're relaxed before bed, I lotion you up. I bake you sweet treats and feed you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't I do pollo secreto yesterday with bacon wraps?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's in the NFL, babe. He's gotta conserve his energy. He's got a lot of running and stuff to do. It's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's, that's their arrangement. It is the arrangement. Is that she cooks and cleans up unprompted. Yeah. And he makes the ducats. So. That's how it goes. And she's like, I got my eyelashes done. So I look pleasing to him. That's what he wanted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May I just point out the healing, cleansing power of TikTok?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a TikTok. This is why this is the best thing that's happened to us. I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's trying to ignore me. It's all about the captioning too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, you know what, I'm, I like it, I like that he is who he is, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is who he is. And you know what? God love him for embracing that. Because as I'm learning in my middle age, we were talking about this yesterday, right? I'm 44. I am halfway dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you said, no Christina, you're halfway alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You may as well just start letting it go. Just be wild. You may as well just go wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what's that? He's threatening to elbow you? Shh, I'll fucking get you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, I'm down. What up, Matthew McConaughey? Come over. Saguras invite you over. Let's get weird, dude. Let's fuckin' wild out. Let's have some barbecue. Alright. And Elon Musk. Let's hang out, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine a dinner with Matthew McConaughey and Elon Musk? How wild would that be? You talk about some wild shit, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy's going into what looks like a locked door, maybe a hotel, maybe a bank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, and he just dropped a loaf. He pulled his pants down, dropped a loaf of shit, pulled his pants right up, and that was it. Good to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would she record that, I wonder? How did she have the forethought?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if I could record my dub in Austin, that's what it'd look like. Brownwater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love when the ladies outdo the guys in gross shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether you're camping in the woods or at a backyard get together, there's nothing like a roaring fire to bring you back to what matters. I mean, how many great memories do we have sitting around a campfire?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, throwing hot dogs into it or that's what I used to do as a kid or making s'mores. It's so fun. Um, and now there's Solo Stove.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's so wonderful. It's so easy. It's, it's just simple to unbox. You open it up and boom, it's ready to go. Uhm, you can use it in your backyard. It's made of stainless steel designed to regulate airflow and burn more efficiently. There's so little smoke, you'll wonder how there's so much fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best of all, back in those campfires, remember, uh, you'd smell like a campfire? Not with the solo stove. There's no campfire smell on your clothes or hair and nothing left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But ultrafine ash for easy clean up, easy to light with a few bits of starter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your fire's blazing in minutes. No one needs a reason to gather around the fire. Solo Stove just took away any reason not to. And now you can get $10 off when you use promo code HOUSE at checkout. Just go to solostove.com and remember you get $10 off when you use promo code HOUSE. Everybody peed? Pest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do, yea, let's do them before we go to Austin, so that if you have any issues, you can resolve them before you go, I would suggest. Now, as you remember, last time I went for my dental cleaning, and I thought I was doing well with flossing and brushing. Apparently, I heard them say some fours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I was ashamed and this woman, the cleaner, gave me, uh, these dental sticks and these flossers. I floss now. I went back. She couldn't stop raving about how clean and perfect my teeth were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, and I owe it to her, and I use the, uh, zzzzz, toothbrush, and I get in there, but it's those, those sticks that I use, they're flossers. High marks, as they say. High marks. High marks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I'm really proud that I rubbed it in her face, that stupid bitch, last time she complained about that, oh, you're not flossing, right? And she gave me a fucking lecture. Fuck you. Now I'm back on top. So also, Nadav has a very exciting dental. This is exciting. Let's hear it, Nadav. Holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow! Now, first of all, you're right, your teeth are fucked up. And I'm so happy for you that you're taking this step.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we have Lindsay go follow that? That's gonna be ridiculously painful. He can't get in cause of COVID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay listen, you're gonna want to separate them now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huge. First of all, when's the last time you had a dental cleaning? I'm guessing never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is really time for you to have your cleaning. So here's the deal, man. Even with my stellar marks, there are just some areas you can't get with a toothbrush. They're gonna have to scrape and get a little bit like behind the back teeth. It hurts. Like you leave there kinda...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna look 10 years younger. Yeah. Seriously, whitening your teeth, it's a secret, show business secret. You whiten those teeth, you're gonna look 10 years younger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna look so good. So good. Makes you look healthy. I'm so proud of you. Congratulations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're gonna cry. But it'll be worth it. You're gonna look so good. I'm so excited for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so true. Cause look how cute, like, okay, Luke Skywalker is like the tween pre-adolescent girl's wet dream. He's got blue eyes, blonde hair. He's small in stature. He's a virginal type. And he's always like, we gotta help. Where's Leia? He's a pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not gonna, he's not gonna choke you and, you know, shove it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just gonna be sweet to you and hold your hand. Now, Han!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, he's essentially you, cause I figured out that I like grumpy. Like grumpy is a turn on to me. Grumpy masculine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there he is. He's all grumpy and shit. I like grumpy. If you put a beard on him, basically he's you. That's why I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, look at him, he's all grumpy and, and, and what's her name? Princess Leia. Her buns are all sticky icky for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the, on the first movie? Yes, on this movie. I bet. Damn, I would have done it too. Only three months, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what I noticed too is that, uhm, she has like a British accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's all middle-aged and broken, yeaah. She's rad. And you know what I like too, that movie was made in 1977, and they made the princess character, she's not helpless, she picks up a gun and she shoots and she's really- Princess Leia was the shit. She was the shit, which was so progressive for the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like there's so, oh my god, it's so painful. This one's really bad. It's so hard. I feel so bad for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got propositioned by many a gentleman, you know, guys, and I give them so much props, because it's really hard to go up to a girl. It's really hard, and it takes a lot of courage, and I've always respected the men who would come up to me. But this is, uhm, other level embarrassing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think to the fake background. Is that a green screen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was pretentious. I just felt my vagina seal up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't need to hard sell her. He's attractive, he's educated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's asking for, this is the video to ask for the date, but why is he begging for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, and then he did the thing, the classic mistake that unfortunately our beloved We Love You Charles Charles did, which was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But just do the text or the phone call. Text. No. Always. How about with a lady? But here's the deal. A lady likes a phone call to ask for a date. A text, date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you did to me, you made a phone call. Yeah. Back in the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were texting Ann, but to ask me on a date, you did it properly. Proper like. You, you escalated, this is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just the opening, cause I was so mortified that I blacked out. I uhm, I was so embarrassed for him that I, like I couldn't take it all in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That tone. And he's like, when I'm not doing these videos and sending them out and getting people to put money on, it's like, oh shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because in the beginning of courtship, less is more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like you don't want to answer right away when someone texts you. That's gross. You don't want to be too eager like this. It's gross. It's a turn off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why this doesn't work, guys. I know you think that you're impressing a lady by sho- This is my studio, look, I'm so busy, like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'll know that when she gets to know you, you don't have to profess, you don't have to tell her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'll know if you're successful just how you are. Or if you're gonna be even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never told me when we were both broke ass com- I'm gonna be a millionaire producer, director, choreographer. I said no, I just knew the guy carried himself. I knew you always carried yourself a certain way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you had integrity and morals and a good work ethic, you were going to be successful no matter what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite sound of the episode. I gotta tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks buddy. It's really something special. That means a lot coming from you, cause you're the King Above 18 who likes tragedy and horror things. I don't. If I can impress you, I feel like I've done it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that just encapsulates the last year and change. I think that's just everyone's feeling at some point this year. And I just liked it for that reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what that guy, I don't know. I just liked his stuff. It's original, it's fresh, he's got a new take on things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our people who's first, it's their first time making a TikTok, for some reason I got into that lane, and it's people who are just absolutely clueless about what it is, what they're doing, and also, male foot fetish. There's been a lot of male foot fetish lane that I've been getting into, but those are harder to share. Oh god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I hate, by the way, is that anyone is welcome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a book that our son got, and it's like, everybody's allowed to come to this club that I made. That's not how you should run your life. You should be a little discriminating. Not anybody can come into your house, be your friend, because some people suck and are not good people. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Late Show Friday Monkey Dance Round. Are they drunk? Yeah. Damn it. See, that's what everybody thinks. Everybody wants to be the big TikTok star until you realize it's actual work making content and being consistent in doing the job. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, little known fact, on TikTok, you may make your videos 15 seconds, 30 seconds, or like 45 a minute. You can change the increments. So, you can- they don't have to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is one of those internet jokes that gets remade and remade. But I liked her rendition of it. Hers is great. Cause she really delivered it, like she meant it. Yeah. So that was kinda cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have a feeling one of hers wrote to this guy and said, dude, my friend Christina P needs a shout out. She's having a rough day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he flexed for me. Are you jellies? Don't worry, I'm not gonna run away with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't you watch other TikToks to get a gist of what they look and sound like? Like why aren't you watching other people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I love her. Sam is her name. She's a, she's a comedian on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and so she just has a naturally large mouth and so she just runs with it and is very charismatic. It's like when you know what's weird about you and you just run with it. So she'll just put huge stuff in her mouth and it's really funny. I really like her. She's got a great personality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris, uh, croissants and like, uhm, you know, donuts and, uhm, different foods and stuff. That does sound interesting. Yeaah, it's just pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, on the subway, mind you. On the subway. Oh, here's the latex guy. Oh, he's back. Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it? Yea, that's the last one. It just feels so good to go through them all, you know? Yea. Just time flies when you're talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, interesting. I thought they were lesbians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Momma's House is brought to you by Peacock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up? Whatever you're funny, Peacock's got it exclusively. Stream tons of comedy hits from iconic sitcoms to brand new originals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bears beats the office on Peacock. Catch all!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the mood for something brand new, check out Peacock's original comedies, The Amber Ruffin Show, AP Bio, and Saved by the Bell, which is certified fresh by Rotten Tomatoes. Don't miss all the hits, plus so much more. Get started for free at peacocktv.com and start streaming today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, our Jeans Above 18. It is another wonderful day here at YMH Studios. We're really excited about everything we have for you today. This is a lot, we got great stuff lined up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She comes in and she dances and everybody goes, I like to dance too. Yay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's March 11th, 12th and 13th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A maze? Uhm, let's see, I'm in, uh, let's see, what are the tickets to? Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chomaha, Nebraska. March 25th through the 27th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Casino in June, and then I go back to doing some, I think, Spanish shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's actually some coming up in April. I don't think they're on my calendar, but they should be. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see. There's some words I gotta learn. Calendario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotta work on my words. I gotta bring back Tom Segur in Espanol because that helps me practice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Poor favor. Let me ask you a favor there, partner. Uhm, so, okay. Are we ready for Chomos? Almost. We're not ready for Chomos, but we are ready for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch belly, watch the opening scene to belly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because that clip, that song plays as, uh, Nas and his crew walk into a strip club, and it's all dark, and there's black light, so like, you know with black light, like the whites kind of shine through, and they're going to rob it. And so, they walk in slow motion during the acapella part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? You see them walking through, and then when they finally kick the door down to rob the people, the beat drops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's a hype Williams, it's basically a 90 minute music video. The movie is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's some, I mean, it's, it's like, it's not a great movie, but it's cinematically amazing, and like, the way he lights stuff, and some of the performances are pretty damn good, um, but the music combined with his direction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so let's get to the opening clip here. Uhm, let's start. Ready to start the show? Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I'm kinda, now I don't remember. I don't remember actually if Nas is part of the robbery or not. I don't know if it's DMX only or if it's the two of them together. I don't remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, now I gotta go watch that scene again to make sure I got it right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's either, it's either genuine emotion or she's doing a great bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it seems genuine, but it, like, if, you know, it could be a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also the choice to record and share that makes me go, that's the only part where I go. That's true. That could be a very good bit, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's on the toilet. She's on the toilet. She's on the toilet, but it's definitely a bit. I mean, I think the performance is also a bit. You know, you can tell she's not genuinely crying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know it's a bit. I think it fools a lot of people, but I think it's definitely a bit. You know. The first girl, those feel like genuine tears, but if she is like that type of like, you know, there's like an actor can do that, somebody with that skill set to just, and like you fuck with people basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like real tears. Real screams. Real fear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, speaking of murder and scares, uh, someone's real on board. You asked for it. Last night, I had set up, I had my PT session and my physical therapist was like, Oh, have you seen this doc about Adidas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said no, and she told me about it, and I was like, oh, that sounds cool, I'd love to watch it. I knew that, uhm, uh, the history as far as just very surface level that two brothers ran this company and they had a falling out and they ended up starting Adidas and Puma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adidas and Puma. So anyway, I was interested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, uh, watching the doc, and I thought you'd be too, I told you about it, you're like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I pull it up on TV, like kids are down, I'm like, are you ready to watch? She walks in the room, she goes, I wanna watch Murder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, what? She goes, I'm ready for murder. I go, I got the Adidas thing set up. And you were like, mm-mm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blood and guts. I wanna think, I wanna hear about their minds. Like how are these people's minds operating? And I had the ex, like the perfect thing to pull up. It was perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, uh, on HBO, it's, uhm, it's called Crazy Not Insane. And I had started watching it a couple weeks ago, and it's a psychiatrist, Dr. Dorothy Lewis, who, they essentially credit with, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, I remember watching this and I go, that's exactly what the doc's about. It's about the minds of these people. You see that it's actually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this doc shows the reality of killing and murdering and everything versus a lot of other shows and docs kind of sensationalize. Like you go, wow, that was crazy that this person did these violent things. Where this one makes you go like, look how sad and fucked these people are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't you think it was interesting that we talked about, you're like, what's up with these people's, you know, like what leads them to this? Yeah. One of the things I told you, like you're almost a hundred percent, uh, either abuse, neglect or some trauma. Yeah. And everybody that they profile, they're like, this person was like tied up in a fucking closet and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost everybody that they were able to scan do an MRI on had brain damage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yup. Thankfully I'm able to stop myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it was interesting that she has all these cases of multiples, you know, like she calls them multiples, people that have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in this doc and he's like, no I don't believe in, he still today doesn't believe in dissociative personality disorder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, we don't like to make it too political on this show, but this is too big of a piece of news to ignore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I met this trash bag after a show. This is like 2003 or.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead, go ahead. So these guys, you're saying that no one's ever done it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having a dance, like if you can put a themed dance. Oh my gosh. With like a catchy hook. So cool. Well also like as an artist, like commercially, that is just a bankroll for the rest of your life. Oh yeaah. Electric slide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Movie leg like this one time. Now keep doing your leg like this. He's like, that shit's easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, alright, uhm, where are we here? Oh my god. Superman, that ho- My father is like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just like, I think he's just bored. Yeah. And he just calls me and he's like, yeah. How you doing? Good. It's like, saw you're in Palm Beach. Sold out. That's good. Like, yeah, thanks man. He's like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are the kids, they're good. He's like, I can't wait to get my hands on them. And I go, yeah, yeah. I know, we talked about this like three hours ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, yeah, I'll see ya. Couple weeks. Can't wait. What do you want to eat? Like in a few weeks? I don't know. You know, he asked me the other day, he goes, you ever have bacon? Really? Yeah. I go, what? He goes, you like bacon? Which is like, by the way, he knows that I'm not like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like saying like, do you like artichokes or something? You know, like, like he knows I like bacon. He goes, do you like bacon? And I go, yeah. And he goes, you ever have really good bacon? I'm like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, I'll get some of that for when you're here. And I'm like, okay. Like what? Then he, uh, he's like, you like crab? I'm like, yes, I like crab. Like you've liked crab since you were born. Exactly. Like you, we've had, I don't know, crab outings before. What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He thinks that like, that's connecting with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just humor it for that conversation, the whole conversation. Next day, he'll be like, I was at the grocery store yesterday. There's one lane open. I'm like, yeah, we had a 30 minute conversation about it yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You make, like, I said to him as a child, you make me feel safe. And he talks about, like, how it makes him feel. So, like, he told me, he goes, I mean, he told me the story, I'm not kidding you, 500 times. He's like, you remember when we were in the hotel in Orlando?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you got away from me for a moment and you just a second. And then you saw me and you said, dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One night you were scared at home. You came into our room and you, you, uh, you got in bed with us and you said, you make me feel safe. I said that in Orlando and at home. He's like, well, no, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not a dick to him on the phone. I just like vent here, but like I'm always, I always, you know, humor him and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you guys something in the booth real quick, okay? Do you think, cause everybody, I just wanna say I'm not projecting anything on you, I believe that all of you identify as heterosexual men, correct?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. Yeah, I think so. Okay. Do you think that if you have sex with another man, that makes you gay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're just, you're just worked up and you're, you know, you're gender fluid. No, you're not, your, your sexuality is like, you know, everyone's sexuality is essentially like a moving, you know, wave, right, where you have femininity to you, even though you're a man, right, and then masculine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like an encounter, you end up having sex with a guy. Are you gay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An interesting point, and that is being educated. So I'm gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been learning too and I want everybody else to feel like they can learn and get ready to have your mind blown open. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll go out even with like my friends, with guys, and a lot of times a whole bunch of guys will end up fucking like when we're out. And I'll feel like it's a straight time, it's a fun time. I won't feel like it's gay. I just want to be clear about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I fuck guys whenever I want, but I'm not gay. Now listen, Dr. Joe has a little more to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And had fingers at him with other guys, but it was fun and everybody was white and having a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta, I gotta be honest. He made a point that when you just said this, uh, it just popped in my head. It is like a very white guy thing. Like from my, from my day, black dudes didn't play that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was in college, I had a black roommate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's true that the white boys were. It was. It's totally true. Like we would literally walk in, I would walk into my white roommate's room and be like, hey man, do you want to blow me right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he'd be like, ah, I just woke up. Can I just stretch my mouth out for a sec? Like, shit like that. And I'd be like, okay. And I'd just like play with my dick. And then I would walk down the hall and see Tony, who's black, and I'd be like, what's up man? And I'd walk down the stairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tony also had, oh my god, he had a fucking, like, what is it called? Huge cock? Well, probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I meant like, he had a rotation, he had a rotation of chicks. And like, one time, Tony would go like, it'd be like a rent stew, it'd be like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, uh, we gotta pay rent. And he'd be like, check out that kitchen. And he'd walk away. And I'd be like, check out that kitchen. Check out the kitchen. And I'd go in the kitchen, and all the cabinets would be full of groceries that a woman bought him. And he'd be like, that's my rent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and like women would call him, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you'd be like, who's this? Like, different girls different days of the week. And they would howl. Like, maybe downstairs watching TV. And hear a woman screaming upstairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it's long said goodbye. It's never coming. But, it's, uh, yeaah. He really, he definitely had game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you and your friends are guys, and you fuck each other, you're friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When that guy's done fucking your spouse, and his dick's all drippy, you gotta clean him up! What's he supposed to do? Did you walk around with a drippy dick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, yep, I'm really cool about this. And then we got a video, uhm, this week from, uh, Nadav's last family vacation. You wanna see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, is this scenario here that this is like, this is like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you think they're passing through the parking lot? Like they just happen to be walking by?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one's answering. No one's answering where they are. Yea, they don't want you to know. You can't follow them home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I keep thinking about, can I tell you like as the, like the guy. Yes, please. Picturing myself as this guy. I'd be like, Oh, I got to return this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't give you guys this thing. Cause he rented it from someone. Yeah, he fucking, he, whatever, he's at a golf course and paid for a cart, right? So he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's all the, you know, check them out and then you pay them to shoot there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, they actually, uh, owned this one complex that had, like, uh, like just really cool places to throw a party, you know, like, like stand-alone


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we had to, we had it set up and then they had


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was also a baller ass party. Like this shit was not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, why don't Catholic priests party hard? I don't know. Google it man, Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fuckin' awesome. That was amazing. Love that guy. That is, uh, he is, uh, from DJ Bundo. He's at coffee underscore breaks with two z's. B-R-E-A-K-Z-Z on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the death metal version of Nadava's Googling. I really like it. What a time to be alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got it wrong. Just don't even bring up the next search. Stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Manifestations and wishes, use your sacred blood to draw with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Masterful blood has all types of incredible qualities. You can pour it into your fertilizer, like use it in your lawn and make some art with it. Use your masterful blood to make beautiful art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anti-inflammatory prosperity. Thank you Body for helping me get this. It was a cleansing ritual. You can cover a stone with blood and set intentions. Anyways, I thought you might want to explore your body and all the wonderful things that it does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I feel your judgement about it. So lame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's 2021. You know, urine cures cancer. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really, you really don't get it. You don't get it. You don't get it. You don't get it. You don't fucking get anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kinda gross to the point where I'd be like, mmm, this is gonna stop, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, real quick, you know, I know this episode drops, uh, February 3rd. It's February. February 3rd, uh, any, uhm, I know it's, uh, your month. Yeah. Uh, February, so are we gonna see you in March, or how long do you need off for this month?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be like, check this shit out, man. I need a month to kinda gather my thoughts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, during Black History Month, like anything to, you know, celebrate or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna have a special show. All about you. You got it, you got it. This is a great idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never! Every Chinese business is open 24x7, 365.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never. They're the best Americans. I respect it. So do I. I know, it's like some stupid Christian fucking day, and then the Asians are like, hey, we'll take your business. I love it. I love it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nadav, last week was, uh, holocaust remembrance day. Did you do anything for that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is affirmative. Uh, the TOC folder is so full.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna have to like, choose some talks here. Cause it is, it's really jam-packed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, kinda looks like me too. Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. Maybe that's what freaks me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not how this app works. Not how this app works. Also, this sort of looks like Charles' brother with a chromosome addition, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody's, uh, genetically challenged. He's not as cute as Charles. No, Charles is much cuter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The interesting thing about him, he's put together, like his clothes, he's wearing a tie, he looks like he's well dressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, it's kind of, you know, bringing about the, you know, the distinction that this is for Kings above 18. I mean, he's kind of borrowing a line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, there are so many disturbed and delusional people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A talk made for your mom's house. I mean, this has it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The horrible angle. The ceiling fan that was not lost on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The stuttering through a name, the using TikTok like it's a fucking cameo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She could use, you know what I mean, if you have time. I don't know what your day is like. I know, I, I could venmo you. Some, like 40 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so not a paddle and I'm glad you pointed that out. That is from Home Depot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, I think he just has the belts that he wears around his pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feminine things are attractive to men, straight men, yea. So, your soft skin and the way you smell and those touches. Yea, I'm surprised that this is news to anyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, I don't like to snuggle to sleep, which is like what you're like, like let's go to bed and you try to snuggle for sleep. I can't sleep like that. But I mean, of course, like snuggling and hugging and everything like that is, is of course attractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I guess I gotta get it from my guy friends. Alright, let's uh, see what else is here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool. Are you trying to tell me that that's what you would like to try?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like when they do stuff like this though. It's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought I poked on myself. I was like, yuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always a roller coaster when you're talking. You never know what's going to happen. I mean, you're waiting for a guy to stick a screw driver in his ear and tell you that he found a portal into another dimension as a guy blowing kisses on his dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He took the bus to go to Target to get cleaning products for his flesh light and he's like, I gotta do it now. At the bus stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he doesn't even have the shame of throwing it in a bag or something. You know, like, I gotta put this in a bag. Walking around my flashlight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never, no, I don't know that either. I think what's, what really got me kind of in knots is knowing what's coming up next, because usually something like this is offset by something else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, we had him on your mom's house and then like a month later he was on Stern? No, Tosh. Tosh and Stern, uhm, and then we actually, didn't we send somebody to talk to him? I thought we did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thursday Lane. Thursday Lane. Yes. And he had beautiful guppies. Beautiful guppies. He had his own lexicon. Beef cream farts. Yes! He had like all these terms for like different farts. And then he had to think about gray sweatpants. He's like, a white guy farting in gray sweatpants? The ultimate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was giving it to the girlfriend and you're like, oh, my whole body just starts to shut down. Yeah. And then they look at you like that at the punch line. Yeah. Like as you're like shaking hands and you're like, that's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or they think that this is what you want. Like if you go, I'm a comedian, what happens is that the danger of sharing that with a stranger, like on a flight, is that they'll do this. They'll go like, oh, you're a comedian? And you see them, they're like, all right, I got one for you. And you're like, got one what? And they're like, I got a joke for you. And then now let's hear one of yours. And you're like, oh no, I don't want to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, when I'm on a flight. I'm a consultant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was great. Yeah. Alright, uhm, great talks. Yes, thank you. We're gonna take a quick break right now, but we have something amazing planned for you as soon as we get back from this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Quip. Brush. Floss. Chew gum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gum is the unsung hero when it comes to better oral health. The American Dental Association recommends chewing sugar-free gum for 20 minutes after meals. Gum is something people chew as a way to relieve stress, curb appetites, and most importantly, freshen breath. Many people don't realize that gum can also be an integral part of a healthy oral care routine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quip gum can help prevent cavities and freshen breath when chewed for 20 minutes after eating. It's sugar free and has tooth friendly xylitol with zero calories. And to satisfy your taste buds, Quip added a long lasting mint flavor, crunchy tri-layer design and stamped it all with the classic


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you go to getquip.com slash mom, right now you can get a free plastic dispenser with any refill plan. That's a free dispenser at getquip.com slash mom, spelled g-e-t-q-u-i-p dot com slash mom, quip, the good habits company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are joined right now by a very special guest. You've gotten to know his dating video very well. And he's coming here to talk about it with us, the very handsome and very talented, uh, with a great head of hair, Mr. Elliott. Thank you very much for coming on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Thank you very much. Yes, thank you. For reaching out and wanting to come on and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And being, you know, a grown up about it, uh, I think I actually empathize greatly when I've seen this. There's been a few people that have done this. And the reason why is I go, like, I think even when I first played it, I go, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get why this happens. Like you still go, this is a bad idea, but I get why it happens because when you're, when you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I get that like, there's a part where it starts and you're like, I just set it up, I couldn't help myself, like that registers to me. And also you just imagine that whoever's gonna receive it is gonna be like, oh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool, this looks, this is awesome, right? I mean, you assume it's gonna go well. Wait, let me ask you this before we get into that. There's so much. Did you ever get a response from Natalie or Natal, whoever you sent it to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, wait, so, so within a week, you heard that your video was being passed around?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you know what, you know what everybody has the experience of, whether it's in dating or just in life, everybody knows, like, has done the thing where you start writing a text, right, or an email, and then you go, you read it, and you're like, I gotta rewrite this, like this doesn't feel right, right? And then you're like, how will this person respond to this? And you delete it, and you start rewriting it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a video, once it's gone, you're like, oh shit, like there's no editing or like saying you misread it. It's just out there. It's just out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were, you were intrigued, you swapped info, she should, like, I'm happy she shared it so we could make fun of you, but she's kind of a bitch, because that's tacky as fuck to share that with everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like, I feel like, uh, she doesn't deserve any apologies. Uhm, well, let's fast forward now, come to present. That was four years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on in Elliot's life now? Is there love? Do you have a lady? Are you asking chicks out? I know it's, you know, a pandemic. Are you just J and your D on Zoom or what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. You're working. Are you a millionaire yet? You said you were about to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like if you want the women to reach out and you can choose then if somebody is a, you know, of interest to you, what's the best way that a woman in the greater Columbus metropolitan area, which is what you said you lived on the video, I assume you still live there now? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, if you want to be hit up, like do you, is there any, where we can direct people? Any ladies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, at Elliot Esquire. Alright, uhm, so you can hit him up there and your DMs are open, I'm assuming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this your, what is the perfect first date for you? For, in Columbus?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like you need someone on the diving team to go on a date with you, man. Yeah. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. I love it. And then what, uhm, is there like a type that you're attracted to or, you know, like what gets you going? What's your, what's exciting to you in female qualities?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we really appreciate it and we will check in with you again soon Ellie. 18 months. We will check in with you soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that he actually referenced Charles. That he was like, people were like, this guy Charles did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not losers. They're also both, I think, sweet and sincere. I like them both very much, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't go like, this guy's a piece of shit. He's not a piece, they're not, no. They're just like, oh he's sweet. It's almost like uhm, you feel like your little brother did something innocent. You know, you wanna be like, oh dude, that's not how you get a girl, like, it's like that kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She didn't even write back. She was just like, she was just horrified by it and just was like, I gotta share this with everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're in their twenties, and your balls and your dicks all full, and you just want to empty it. And you just go, maybe if I send someone a video, they'll come suck it. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which like, neither of them would ever say, but that's what they want to happen. Tommy tells you the truth. Now, so, the original here, let's go to Chuck's and see, uh, see how this makes you feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know if all that is in the prompter. All of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can't spill it. You spill your like details once there's a romance cooking and brewing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, check this shit out man. And he, he gave me a lesson. He was like, you should tell this bitch what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, of course it is. I'm trying to imagine I would be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'd be like, well, you can't bring them, but if you want to come to dinner, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I'd be like, you think I'm fuckin' retarded? I'd be like, hey, uh, I go, uhm, hey, are you free Friday?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you see the check mark. You see the check mark, you know who the fuck it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Well, I've been out of the game a while, I don't know how to do it. You've changed. Uhm, where are we here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was. But I actually can see how it happened, you know why it happened? I know how it happened. Because he scripted it, he was like, so you said the thing, now you gotta talk about your qualities, like what's good about you, I'm busy, I'm gonna be rich. Cause you're a ten, I'm a ten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up dude? Hey dude. Don't call a woman a shit ever. Yea, but that's also nerves. Yea, he's trying to be cash. Now, here's the other part that kind of, you know, stands out about it, is that he is, he's trying to build, it's like he had bullet points. Yea, what's good about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It killed it, but every guy. This is like, this goes back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, that's rude as shit. Yeah. But the original...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The real thing that sets, like the way that this can go really wrong is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, Julia. And here's why. Good morning, Julia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the kind of worst version of this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, here's the thing, every guy, and I've said this since the beginning, even with Joe, every guy relates to the instinct to do it. You felt the feeling of like, I want to tell her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I, I wanna be with you, and like, I love, it's parts of you that, that just have the breaks that go like, no that's too much, and then you dial it back more, no that's too much, and then you dial it back more until you're like, what's up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the instinct has always been there, right? Like if you meet somebody and it's just, you feel fireworks, you want to say, I just, I can't stop thinking about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So those are in your head. I should go. I want to be like vulnerable and just open up my heart. I can't stop thinking about you. And then I built this house with my hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll build you stuff too. Like you think that she's going to be like, this is, you know, like a movie. You think it's going to be a movie, but it's not a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't fuck up the mystery. If you go, let's knock off the mystery here, then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you wanna, you want to swim through the mystery part, you know, of like letting it happen, letting those things kind of settle in. If you just go like, Hey, just so you know, this is how it's just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like my hair? Yeah, I didn't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to have this hair, unless you just, you know, you wanna be bald. Uhm, a lot of you are balding, or are bald. And, you know, if you're thinning, it can be too late. You gotta act as soon as you start seeing that hair start to fall out. What are you gonna do? You're gonna go to 4himms.com


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. It's time to write a new chapter, one in which you have hair. This is real science solutions. No more awkward in-person doctor visits or long pharmacy lines. 4Hims connects you to a licensed medical professional, which can save you hours, is confidential, and discreet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today, Hims is giving you their best offer yet. If you're not happy with your results, after 90 days, Hims will give you a full refund. And right now, our listeners can get their first visit absolutely free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to 4hims.com slash mom. That's 4hims.com slash mom. Prescription products require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. See the website for full details and important safety information. Remember that's 4hims.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was, I thought, just a my treat. And you were like, no, no, no. I want it on me. And I did it to you. And you fell asleep instantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was looking for in the classics here. Classic. Let's see if there's a fight, if it's in here. Let's see. There's, there's so many cool guys in here. It's hard. There's Terry. There's make daddy come up. Oh, I found it. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so this is so much worse than Charles and Elliot. And I want them to take that with them. You're way better than this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, the, uh, Charles had a match on match.com, Elliot exchanged numbers with somebody in person, was like, this guy was like, give me your phone, and took it and then he was like, I hope I don't scare you when I send you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also here's the thing, even all the jokes about him, I still, I still feel for the guy. I know that he's misguided and doesn't know, like I assume this guy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like, remember Mary Lynn was in here, and she was telling us a story about, she went on a date, and then she went out for coffee with a guy, and then she was like, and he was just like, well you're mine. That's right, that's this. Yeah. Yeah, we're together now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not so bad. He made a good interesting point too, I think, about not having a father to model after. I gotta tell you, I have a father, and he did a terrible job when it came to, to like, how to interact with women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I one time in a, in a, in a point of vulnerability, like you know when you're just like not even thinking who you're talking to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I had, I had a thing for this girl in college and I, I fucked, I blew her off and then I wished I hadn't. And I would just happen to be talking, cause he was like, what's going on? I was like, ah, you know, this girl and he was like, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you give her a call? And I go, and say what? And he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to take you out sometime. You like dancing? And I was like, what? And he was like, just let her know. And I go, dad, what the fuck? He's like, well, say it how you would say it. Like he was talking like it was the fucking fifties. He was like, I'll pick you up and drop you off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad would give me like, like I said, like 1950s dating advice. My mom, oh my god, my mom also is a head games person. So she was like, she would be like, did you talk to it? Don't call her now. Wait. And I was like, wait, what? Like she would, she, she was trying to like help me with head games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and I was like, I don't want to do that. And then, and then she was, you know, if I was going out with a girl, she was like, I hope you are being a gentleman and not a pervert. Of course you're a pervert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and then my sisters were, they would, dude, they would be so deep into their own psychological games with their own dating that they'd be like, ah, she's a fucking bitch, anyway, and they'd give you advice, I was like, none of this adds up. So I felt lost when it came to like, who do I, who do I get guidance from, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well Jane would be more quiet and reserved. She'd have an opinion, but you'd have to kind of like get it out of her. And she liked like the story and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I, I feel like should be less certain of what, you know, I don't know. I just, ultimately I remember being just like a teen, just being like, well who do I model? Like who do I listen to? You know? And then I had friends who were, like one friend of mine just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never single. Never not. He was never single. He would break up with a girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a bionic hand, uhm, I'm a, uh, international headlining comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever fly private? Alright, so I'll pick you up Friday. Now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was bad? How should I do it? I'm sending a video message


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I'd love to spend more time with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that. I'm interested, that's what I was trying to show. Okay? I can't be like, hey dude, what's up? That's too casual. Hey dog!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kind of feel like that too. Like even in dating and culture. I think even with like, with the exception of my closest friends, I feel like a phone call feels like you're pounding on someone's door. And you're like, answer! And in a FaceTime, the only people at FaceTime are like inner circle, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like yea, no, but I mean like I'll FaceTime Burt, you on without any, but like if I were to FaceTime some, I figured they'd be like, what are you, what are you doing? Are you, that's like peeping in through someone's window. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta clear a FaceTime with someone that you're not close, like, are we gonna FaceTime? Can I FaceTime you? So that person goes like, let me sit where I wanna sit and like, look how I wanna look, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well for a woman I'm sure more, but even for a guy, you know, you go like, are we like, do you want to FaceTime for this meeting? Like you don't just go, I'm going to FaceTime you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember actually going to give you like a big secret time with a girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went out with this girl. I'd only been here like a year. Yeah. Okay. And we went on a few dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she sees me do stand up a couple times and like hang out and basically she's like, oh you gotta have like swagger and confidence. Yeaah. Big dick energy. Yeaah. Real BDE, you know? And then one time, we're sleeping together, we're hooking up, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is actually, you're gonna end up laughing at me. So, she goes, I'm telling you how sweet I am. And it's like more to the point of like, your comedy is savagery, but like it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, she sees me and then, you know, we hook up. She's a real pig, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. And she's a real savage in bed, like a real, real dirty pig, right? Like, not, she doesn't look like a pig, I'm just saying, like, she's gross. Like she's nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's fingering, like, and asking for fingers in her ass, and like, you know, just out of the gate, like right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. But, but that stuff's happening on the first time too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there's one in there now. He's so hot. Look at that fucking player. That's the guy. That's who fucked her. The guy on the left. That guy on the left fucked her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I met her, uhm, I had done an improv show and she was at the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, there was a group of people that were like, uh, friends going out for drinks and she was like, oh, you know, let's go, let's go out for a drink. I was like, I didn't even, I thought she was like cute, but I wasn't like, you're coming out with me, you know, it was a group of us. It was a group of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She reaches her foot under and starts rubbing my dick and I was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she was like, looking at me like, you know what's up, right? And I was like, Jesus Christ. So, and I felt like the chick, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she was awesome. So, uh, so we go back, she's fingering my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, so when that, when she is so forward, I'm like, you know, this, this is gonna happen, like you just understand it, you know, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, we clear the, the bill, whatever, and there's like 10 people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just, I know it's gonna happen. It's not like, let's wrap it. I'm like, I'm fucking you within an hour. So like the bill, we settle the bill and then we get up and leave and then she just basically just starts walking with me like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we start, we go, we go to her bedroom and we start hooking up and she's, she immediately, as I'm on top of her, starts fingering my ass. And then as I, I stop for a second and look at her and she was like, hm? And I was like, yeah. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I do that for a while, and then she flips over, and uh, I go, she likes fingers in my ass, let's try it in hers, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, it kind of, it kind of felt like, you know, I don't worry about like if a dog licks my sweaty forehead. Like you feel like that's what this animal was trained to do. You know, so I think she's at home right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm serious. I knew she was a real nasty. So, I wanna get to the point. The point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't think about it. I didn't think about it. I discovered it the next day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was all over my finger and it dried. Cause I forgot to wash my finger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the next- I think I'm dead. The next day, I do another- Oh yeaah. This is another thing this chick did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we went, she calls me like, Oh, you want to watch a movie or something with my friends? And I go, okay. So I go to her place. We're sitting on a couch like here with a blanket and then two friends are here and she starts jerking me off during while we're watching the movie. I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so this is the funny part though, okay? So I'm still like sarcastic like myself, right? But I'm sweet to her like one on one alone. She doesn't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedy guy, like smart ass, talking shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She tells me once, so we've been hooking up for like, I don't know, let's say a month or something. She's like, Hey, uh, I don't get, I don't get it at first. She's like, I'm 23.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, why are you like, like this? Like in bed. I was like, what? She's like, you know, like kissing and all this stuff. I was like, what do you mean? She's like, I mean, you know, you're such like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aggressive, like, dude, and then like in bed, you're being all nice. I was like, ah, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm like, okay. So the next time we hook up, she goes, like, you know, don't hold back. And I go, what do you mean? She goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine this, we're hooking up for like a month now, she goes, you know, like, I'm fucking this other guy right now, and he'll stick dildos in my mouth, and like, you know, call me a piece of shit and stuff, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, yeah, you know, he spits on me, like makes me, and then he slaps me with this stuff. And she was like, okay, like you got the fucking program now. I was like, okay.


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[Assistant] No, I couldn't. I was so turned off by like the way that she told me.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I got, I got one last, I just emptied the carton and then, and then that was it.


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[Assistant] I remember going, okay, talking to a girl in high school, and she's a, she has a thing for me, and we're on the phone, you know in high school you sit around at night and you just talk on the phone. For hours, yea. So we're talking on the phone, and she's like, I don't like certain words. Oh boy. I was like, what?


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[Assistant] No, no, no, it was like a, you know, offensive word.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this is like we're 16 when I'm referring to now and like all these years I've heard I could tell you


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[Assistant] I've heard this person's very calculated because, like, I still have friends that know the person. Like manipulation and stuff. That's terrible. And, like, um. Guy, psychopath. Yea, like psycho stuff. Wow. And, like, uses people and, like, has been in multiple marriages and, like, all kinds of stuff. Yea, I was like, uuuh, dodged a bullet there.


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[Assistant] I don't buy that. I just, I just don't buy it. Okay. If I was like, hey, Nadav, Eni, when you were 14 and you know, so and so you said like their tits were huge. I'm like, how big were their tits? If you're like, you know, I just, it's not there anymore. I'd be like, what are you talking about? You just said that she had big tits. And you're like, I just, how do you expect me to,


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[Assistant] We talked about it earlier, of course I would do it. Uhm, alright, we gotta wrap up the show. Thank you guys for listening. Okay. We'll see you guys next week. Love you. I still love you.


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[Assistant] I'm wearing Gucci by Joseph Lyon's, our closing song.


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[Assistant] Yes. Cool style. Very cool. I remember you guys said in the beginning you wanted me to try a Tommy Baham. I still gotta rock that. Yes.


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[Assistant] It's, it's about how you wear it, you know? It's like, it doesn't really matter what you wear as long as, as long as you feel whatever you're wearing. I mean, people are gonna feel you.


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[Assistant] That's, that's a, that's a big compliment. Were you always a stylish dude, like as a kid? No. Hell no. I was dressed by my mom until like,


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[Assistant] 13 years old, man. I had no sense of style. I remember I thought, uh, I used to dress based on music videos.


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[Assistant] So, like, any dude that I saw in a music video, like, big chains, I dressed like that in school. I wish I had a picture for you. You wore big chains? I wore big chains. I had, like, shirts that would go to my knees. Oh, like, when the oversized t-shirts were in? Yeah. And passed. And passed. That was just, I just copied music videos until I found...


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[Assistant] Oh, people don't actually dress like that. Oh yeah. But you found your own style then. Yeah. Which is good. Yeah, I think so. I mean, I don't know. Again, it's kinda like...


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[Assistant] You shine in the live shows, you love the live events. Live shows are, yeaah, that's, it's so dope to be able to transfer that knowledge, cause it's something that I gave up in going full time here, was live shows, live production, that's where I've come from, I've done that for years.


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[Assistant] And I thought it was just gonna go away, I thought maybe it was just gonna be a skill that I couldn't utilize anymore, and here we are.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, Tony Johns. She's my favorite.


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[Assistant] I feel like I wouldn't be half the man I am if it wasn't for all the women in my life that I've been, uh. Oh my god, I thought you were gonna say one for Tony Johnson. What the fuck?


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[Assistant] That was a big deal. Yeah, I, uh, it's only because every other time I went full-time, there's been some huge, you know, screw-over of some kind. So I got like traumatized where I went, I went freelance and did my own thing for like six years.


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[Assistant] And it, it like, there's been a bunch of companies since then that have asked and it just, it wasn't even a consideration. I'm just like, of course not, like that would never happen because...


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[Assistant] I mean anything, anything could happen. Now you control that game, but this is the only place where it felt like that's not, that's not bad.


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[Assistant] It's so funny that the, when I first came here, everybody would ask me like, well, how do you like it there? Cause I hear all the laughs and stuff, like how is it actually working in a studio like that?


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[Assistant] That used to be, all I do all day is laugh. That's a dream come true. Of course I love my job.


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[Assistant] And then it became, every day I get closer and closer to throwing up, you know, going back to therapy.


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[Assistant] Anything? Uh, resolutions for 2021, oh boy, uhm.


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[Assistant] I can't understand it. My- even my- I expected my doctor to be on the side of like where- because Dr. Drew was so kind of like, eh, I mean some people take shits every two weeks. I was like, okay, so this is gonna be normal when I bring it to like a medical environment. My doctor was like, uh, that's the weirdest thing I've ever been told as a doctor. And I'm like, that's not-


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[Assistant] No, uhm, it's, uh, it might be, there was a clip you guys played when I wasn't here, when I was sick that week, of a guy saying all you have to do is sit on the toilet and pretend like you shit. I remember that.


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[Assistant] You know what's funny? I never thought about it until you said it, or I forget which one you just said it, but that condom was just used. Yeah. I never thought about, like they just fucked and they're like, I have a good idea. Yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] So, you and I, this Wednesday, 7pm, look, obviously I'm attracted to you, you're attracted to me, you're obviously a smart girl, you're about to be a dentist, you know, I'm a recovering attorney with an MBA who's about to be a millionaire in the next 18 months building a digital marketing agency whilst bartending.


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[Assistant] We are obviously two catches that have actually come together and I think we should definitely hang out, man. Let's not let, let's not let ourselves get busy because I know I'll probably get super busy. You'll probably get super busy and life will just take us to our next course. I don't want that to happen without us at least sitting down, having a little chat.


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[Assistant] Be a good time. Chill, bro, dude. Text me back if you're interested. Bye.


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[Assistant] And I don't, you know, I think I'm able to do it and get movies made because I don't give up and


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[Assistant] Okay, yeaah. Uhm, the, you know, the film's called Flinch. It's about a young hitman who lives with his mother, who falls in love with a girl who witnesses him kill somebody. So he becomes very conflicted about what to do with her. He should dispose of her immediately.


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[Assistant] It's like you don't jerk off to Niagara Falls? That is not that strange.


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[Assistant] Would you win the lottery if you could win the, I mean how would I get to go to the Super Bowl? What do you mean? Like financially, I wouldn't be able to do that. Oh no, I'll say.


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[Assistant] Oh, well then fuck y'all. I mean what am I gonna say no to that? I mean obviously I would have to be there. I would want to be there in some capacity even if it was like a circumstance where I wasn't fortunate enough to know you and you were gonna send me there. I would go and just like be outside of it and like be around it. And I'm definitely gonna go to Buffalo for the parade. 100%.


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[Assistant] I've, I've abandoned sex work for the time being. Wow.


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[Assistant] It is a shame, but you know, like every artist's rocko, uhm, so many of them, you know, I just became, I don't want to use the word bored.


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[Assistant] Right, it was a concerning element when I was just doing it to pay the bills. And it is a financial sacrifice, I will say. You know, because the demand was high and I turned that down.


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[Assistant] Out of uhm, need for my own pride, uh, and my own, not pride, but uh, just creative satisfaction. Gotcha.


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[Assistant] You're going to the game. Oh, okay, cool. Yeah. So wait, what was his pitch there?


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[Assistant] Sounds like he's really making up for lack of RV. You know, he's like, sorry about that. Sorry about the tent circumstance. Hey, just because of that, I'm going to throw in your cunt and your tits.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, make some butt babies. I mean, I guess that's a nice offer. I mean, I'd hope I'm going to, I'm just going to say, you know what, man, I'll call you when the RV is ready. How's that sound? You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] We did, uh, there was a station in town that used to do a thing called the BOGEO and it was like a geo tracker that they made like seven people sit in during the county fair for like two weeks and the last person to exit the BOGEO would win it. Do you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] And then we give this hobo a fucking geo. I think that would be nice. It would be like. I like that idea a lot. Humanitarian also, but they turned it down.


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[Assistant] The dark side of radio contests is, uh, often times, our words would win things like that and they would then be confronted with the position you owe taxes on this.