[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what is, uh, grosser to you? Or like more, you know, like skis you out more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I don't understand this. How come when it gets cold... They're also building a bunker in Hawaii?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta ask, uh, Jordan if this has been inside of her, cause it's been inside of Christina. Isn't that crazy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so weird about you. This is your example of like, this pretty...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe like, right now? Yea. Six? Six and a half?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think this is a fucking two. No, no, no. He's right. This is like a two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a fucking ugly guy. You like ugly fucking guys. And so you shouldn't be with me because I'm not a fucking ugly guy like this. You're a 6.3. You're a 6.3. This is fucking gross. I think he- It's upsetting how ugly he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but it's four, no, it's not a four, it's a three. And I'll give you three. Cause he's a two, I'll give you a three. And the fact that you're celebrating a three is really upsetting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, the thing is, he eventually ended up taking all of his clothes off, which I was kinda hoping we could see what we're dealing with here. Look at that lady's face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's that beautiful ice, come on. Alright, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that's right. He said it to be the, uh, cookin', right? He's an American chef in Tokyo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was there living my dream, a goal of mine, to wrestle in Japan. That's what you were doing? So I didn't know that. At the Budokan Hall, which is a venue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a wrestling magazine called Pro Wrestling Illustrated that I grew up reading since I was 12. It has a part, Arena Reports, Budokan Hall, and it would give the results, you know. And it was just like all my life, how dope would that be? How dope would that be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I stopped wrestling a while ago, you know, both of us. Yeah, I, yeah, I ain't getting back in shit that this guy, I don't know what he's doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my friend was like, man, come over and do it, and he's a star over there. And he brought, uh, shout out to Man Man Pondo. And uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pando brought me over there, you know what I mean? Me and my girlfriend went. And uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In 2017 was the last time I did the moonsault. And that was my retirement match. You know, we had it at the gathering of the Juggalos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went and I fucking wrestled, did my shit, and I'm climbing those ropes and I'm like, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will never do another moonsault. I don't think I can ever do another moonsault. I feel like I'm disrespecting God about it. You know what I mean? I got my kids, I got everything, and myself, and I'm like, but I was at Budokan Hall in Japan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to get up there confident enough cracking jokes. And you can't just be like, did you hear about the guy? You know, you gotta actually have a character. One-liners. And appear relaxed enough and likable that they're feeling you. It takes a lot of fucking bravery and courage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's too early to tell. Too early to tell, okay. Yeah, cause it just happened last night, but I'm telling you like this, I've been buzzing off that ever since. That's the secret. You know what I mean? The first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even know it was like that. Like, if you suck, they're gonna let you know. You know, I had no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let him know I'm not really, you know. And he was like, well, you're going to go do stand up. You know, I was like, how long? And he was like a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what I'm saying? And it went out there and I was supposed to do a minute and I accidentally did three minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like right when I ended my, uh, right when I kept, right when I, what I did was, they had a clock on the wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A timer. And uhm, I kept going through it in my head and looking at the timer and it timed out to like a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You know what I'm sayin'? But then when I was out there, it was like three minutes, you know? You're in the club, dude. Yeah, you're lost in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just, we're doing an event, you know? It was just, for ye- I mean, for years, there was a hidden number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, uh, we had, of course we had wrestling, you know, and we had like, um, outdoor, uh, concerts and it was at a convention center.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And the stage was actually in the parking lot. And it was like two, two, two days, I think. And we brought in, you know, big names in rap and you know what I'm saying? And we played twice probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember one time your brother, rest, uh, rest in peace, shout out to John Kickjazz. He said, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He- we used to listen to Beastie Boys, like in- in- when they came out, like they said, oh we fucking loved it. Loved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a couple, cup three or four or five years later, he was like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, if that girl is willing to let you hit it, right? But it's harder for you because he's in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was like four, what was it like, what we did in 2000, no that's when we did the march. When was that? The march was in 2017. Okay, yeah. So, uh, we started suing them probably four years after. Four years after? Okay. Yeah. Because we started to see the ramification. Yeah. We weren't even really suing them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you gotta think about it. If you're in fucking Omaha, Nebraska, right? And you're having a, uhm, 75 motherfuckers are meeting at a, uh, uh, uh, some park having a big ass barbecue, right? And they're all wearing the same shit. Y'all got this on, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These police can say, that's a gang, right? And by saying that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, oh yeaah. Okay. Yeah, several times. But they suck. They suck live? Listen. Nowadays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a big sing-along. You know what I mean? But they don't put any effort in the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno. The lights stay the same. There's no production in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's their gimmick. You know what I'm saying? Like they don't make videos, we're not out here for the appearance, you know, but they're megastars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're chillin', and we're puttin' our pain on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just so fucking, in the beginning, the whole story in the beginning about him, you know, losing it and slowly breaking it down, you know what I mean? Fuck man, it was very impactful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? I'm not, I'm too hot. I'm hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to go down there, right? And uhm, it was in a room full of other people getting the bone, basically, you know what I mean? Sitting there all day, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, uh, and, uh, but, it was, I was hoping I would get picked. I wanted to fucking go through the, you know, the experience, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, so I made it to like, to like, to like, probably more than half the people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? It's like an elimination tournament. Yeah. And basically, you know, and uhm, it was probably down to like, I would say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, hold on a minute. I'm going to tell you what this is. I'm going to tell you what this is. This is like what I like to watch all the time. Which is UFO footage. Bigfoot footage. You know what I mean? A bunch of shit that looks so


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking, unbelievably, deniably real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because NOBODY is buying that boat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't that good because it smelled like her. And look at this place. Look at my bald spot. Look at this view. So nice. We went to a fancy restaurant. I've never had a ribby or a filet mignon before, but I got some lemonade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that, was that me? And that's some dudes like, that's what gets them going, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, you know, a titty slipped out. Oh my gosh, is that? Oh, I didn't cover up? That's the way she just said that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I unfortunately had to spend it with family. Hope you guys had a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I am excited to, I'm getting real bricked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You definitely did not. It's been said way before you said it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that 69 Minutes is coming to, 69 Minutes is coming to YMH Studios, and the pre-sale starts, does it start next week? December 1st. Okay, in a couple days. Uhm, this has, uh, Stavies in it, Stavros, uh, Matteo Lane, Ryan Sickler, Joe List,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's loaded. It's fully, fully packed up with unbelievable talent. It's super fun. We've never put anything out like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's going to be, uh, going on pre-sale in a couple days. So look out for it. And we're super jazzed. That being said, let's play the opening clip. Let's get the show started. Ready? I saw the title. I like it. Okay, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? The irony is that she sounds like she has an Italian accent and his last name is Italian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Uhm, Edgenhold. Uh, yes sir. We were discussing why don't you have dreads?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think, we have to come up with a name? I mean the name, I mean it has to be the best. The best?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I like the idea. I do like it. Okay. And it's also like taking, what would have just been, I mean it's uhm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, nothing like that. Like fractions of a pound. Yeah. Uh, workouts, sweat. Yeah, water. Lots of pounds. You get dehydrated. Yeah, you can lose like eight, nine pounds in a workout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is awesome. The only thing that I wouldn't do is start a fucking TikTok channel about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's doing it like somebody who has like a car collection page. He's like, Oh, check out, I got, I got this new 1968 and you know, Beamer I've always wanted. Like that's how he's talking about hose and Columbia. It's like, you don't have to share your, your collection. You can keep it to yourself, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so this is really the root of all this. When I go, why are you broadcasting it? It's cause of this. This guy's really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's really hurt. He's really upset about it. He got those teeth and he went to Columbia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially when people sell that line, the uh, the like, the minute you treat them well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, this is reinforcing. Cause there's this whole thing, if you, you ever read like comments where it'll be like, this is what happens guys, like I, I put her through school, I supported her and then she left me for like, and then that guy stays that, that hurt guy forever. That's how he lives the rest of his life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could be a Debbie. It could be. She fucked him up. She's the reason he is tearing up fucking Bogota. Debbie. That's seriously it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That probably is also the reason, honestly, why you, if you worked, I'm assuming this guy probably had a pretty good job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had a chunk of change, and then you part with half of it, and you go, well my lifestyle that I was used to is gonna suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I don't want to go down to that lifestyle. What I'll do is I'll just change the location.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's part of it. Both, it's everything. Some of it's his wiring, some of it's, uh, compensating for how the hole that's left by the emptiness from being hurt by fucking Debbie, that cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotta, gotta put it somewhere. Here, let's uh, let's laugh. Let's have some funny play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Yeah. And you can think it and feel it and even tweet it, but you just can't rule out the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I just always, I get picked up with headphones on. You don't do that? I do that with over-ear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have them on, so when they're like, uh, good morning, I'm like, what's that? Oh, good morning. And then I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Terrible. What was Rob's, what am I seeing here with the jizz question? What is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's usually the person touching the dick that is causing time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if a person blows a guy, a woman blows a guy, and the guy comes, you're like, no, the guy who's receiving, he made it come? That's your thought?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The origin's always in the balls and the prostate. Okay. So, that's where cum lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're ushering the come out. That is true. Sure. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was, I was really thinking I would be hearing something a little more thoughtful than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't like that clip. I don't, I'd prefer not to. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm all for watching, uh, paralyzed people, um, discuss and have sex. I get-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I saw that documentary that had uhm, all the paralyzed athletes and they talked about their sex life and you're like, oh wow, cause you don't consider it and then you're like, oh this makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm always for the bros getting laid. I mean, I definitely am cheering on all of them. Um, but I just feel like, yeah, I think when, when I see people with diminished capacities discuss their sex life, I'm like, uh, like, cause you feel like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's an interesting note, it says that if a Down syndrome couple were to fall pregnant, they have a 50-50 chance of a child, of having a child with Down syndrome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that means, doesn't that mean 50-50 that not having Down Syndrome?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's kind of be fascinating to have two parents with Down syndrome and you're just like, guys,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking get it together. Like you're, you know, like you're the kid. Just like enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Enough with the treats! We gotta have some fuckin'...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, my mom's still here. There's no full report on her yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 69 Minutes has a thing with my mom that I think is even funnier than the helicopter video, but for those of you that haven't seen it, there's a video on my YouTube page where I took her up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a helicopter on her 79th birthday and I planned with the instructor to do like wild stunts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you have to understand, we took it to like, we're at like 1200 feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, she was praying to Jesus. She, I heard her at one point. She goes, think about your father.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would, this is the stuff, he would, in front of her, he'd be like, telling you, yeaah. But like, if I was like, isn't this funny to watch? He'd be like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, very excited for our guest. Why don't we take a quick break and we'll be right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back and welcoming for the first time our guest who has a new special streaming right now on Netflix. You can see it. It's called Cowabunga. Give it up for Ralph Barbosa everybody. Let them hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's too much. Family, people in your family don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That like, it is a stress to have you guys at the show. And then they go, how? And you're like, because. It's just, your presence is a stress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or I'll even have this thing now where I'm like, if, if, if there's like insisting, right, insisting that we, I'm like, fine, fine. And I try to put the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, coordinating on somebody. I'm like, talk to this guy. Like he'll sort you out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you had to go into that sober, right? Yea, for sure. Did you tape too? Tape too. Yea. In one night. And how, was it, like, the usual thing is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get the first one done and then the second one is what you mostly use? Did you have that or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's always how it goes. My first one was such a bummer. It was such a bummer, dude. My first, like no one recognizes it that much, but when we went to Minneapolis, and uh, I mean I didn't have a name that could sell any tickets, so they're just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going up to people like, do you want to go see a comedy show? Like they're, they're, they're like barking on the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Offering people free tickets to a comedy special. And then it's, it's at, we taped it at a place where normally the symphony plays. So there, you get like a more, I had like a more sophisticated, like, oh, this will be like, uh, you know, I guess a high brow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thinker. And I'm up there like, and I'm coming off of a hundred shows where I'm like, this thing is just like, hitting. And you could, I mean, I think if you watch it through that lens, you go like, oh, this crowd's not like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also, it's like this dude, if you didn't put that in, you'd be like, man, I should have put that in there because it's going to be dated by the whatever, by the next time. So you just always having regret means you actually care about it. It's a good thing. Nice. You're 27. So how long did you, when did you start doing standup?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I remember seeing a clips of you, I think it was, I want to say either one to two years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where it was, it was produced. It was a production, right? Like you- Like an HBO thing? Yea, it was an HBO? Yea. Yea, and that was really funny. That was great. Oh, thank you. I thought that was really good. Uhm, and then I remember I, I saw you out with Burt on the fully loaded stuff. Yea, shout out to Burt. Shout out to Burt. And then this, I mean, things couldn't be going better. This is fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it, can I ask you, because I heard this thing, but I don't know, I really don't know anything about it. Okay. Did you have like a beef or get dogged by George Lopez?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such, it's so different, right? The accents, and the slang, and you'll be like, I speak Spanish, and you'll meet someone and you're like, oh fuck, I guess I don't speak Spanish. And then like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the good thing about that tour, because I was supposed to be gearing up to shoot one in Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but, and I had Richard Avilla with me. Oh yeaah, yeaah, Richard was there, yeaah. Yeaah, yeaah, and Richard's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's, he's a really good comic. He's also incredibly proficient, but he's also really good at performing. Like he's, he can perform obviously in the, in English, but he really knows like the Latin crowd. And he was, he was the one who early on was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just know that like when we're touring, cause we were doing, we did some Cali shows, Arizona and Texas tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was supposed to go on from there, but he's like, dude, 90% of these crowds are Mexican. So you're, you're going to perform for Mexican people, just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then starting to like tweak little things, like whether it's an expression, like he would tell me, he's like, oh yeah, like when you say that it's going to make sense to you, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was saying things that are so specifically Peruvian, cause that's just what I know. He's like, you gotta explain that. So that was like a huge help. Like knowing that the audience, yeah, they speak Spanish, but they're not used to saying that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah he was, he was dude, he totally was. Of Mexican anecdotes. Of Mexican anecdotes, and like, he would give me, he would be like, give me a tag, I'd be like, what? He goes, trust me, Mexicans will like that. He'd be like, trust me, say taco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so much more vulnerable. I also, I was telling those guys that you know how when you're, you're working a weekend at the improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're the middle act for like a huge name, right? Like a big name is in town and you're middling. And there's a certain type of nerves that comes for that. You're like, like it's packed, like all the shows are sold out and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a little bit like, right? And the longer you do it, like 10 years from now, you know, some of those nerves, they just start to fade. You still have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Butterflies about new bits and will this work and oh this crowd is enormous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when I was doing those Spanish shows, I felt like I was a first year comic opening, like for a, like I would be,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, with my notebook, you know what I mean? It was like bringing me back to that very vulnerable state of like, oh my god. And then, and then you inevitably fuck up what you're saying on stage, you know? And, and, but like the crowd was so supportive because they were like, you don't normally do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they had that thing where they were like almost cheering you on. Yeah, hell yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice man. How was Irvine? That's always a blast. That's a good crowd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But your special just came, to me, the, the worst feeling, but also you know that it's gonna be good later, is in the first couple of months when a special comes out, cause it can't be all great, and it sucks, but you know you have to go, it's like you're training, you're like, you're like fuck, and you leave shows like bummed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I always, I always start when my shows, my first shows back are like in hundreds eaters when app like to start new, new. Cause I just feel like it's new, new, you know, I'm still learning the ropes here. Yeah. Well, I mean, try it. Some of the shows would be awesome though, but the other shows like that. Yeah. I like hearing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so here's a really fun thing we're gonna do. We found these videos that people record in prison for basically like, it's like their dating site. So they get to post these videos and ask


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, for people to like, hey, do you want to reach out? Hit me up. Hit me up. Hit me up. But what we do is we play the video for you and then you guys guess what this person is in for. Okay. Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but sometimes, you know, yeaah, sometimes it's somebody who looks tough and he just like, he forgot to make a payment or something. Yeaah, it's a pretty fun game. But yeaah, sometimes it does line up with what you think. It's all about, you know, where you think it's at. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm not even looking, I sense very like psychopathic traits in this person, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are starting off real warm. He has been arrested for robbing a coffee shop at gunpoint, fighting a police officer, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so strange to have- Well, it's just so strange also to have both charges. Like, I got a fake check. Yeah. Oh, okay. And I robbed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a real interesting cut. Alright, now we guess. Now you can guess. That's the whole clip. That's the clip. He doesn't say a word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's, there's a what and a why. Okay. So what happened was he was arrested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're stealing a car, running from the police at over 100 miles an hour, then running on foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was also arrested on drug charges. He had one pound of meth, a bunch of fentanyl and nine grams of heroin. And he's locked up until 2030, uh, but he is eligible for parole next year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's not too bad. See, but see how the look definitely says murder. I mean, I believe that too, but it's just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One pound of meth, I think it was, yeaah, it was, uh, here, it's, it's, uh, one pound of meth, nine grams of heroin, and fentanyl, he had some fentanyl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Typically we found that quite a bit, like the real clean cut, like, guy who's like, hey, I'm just, I like rainbows, I like drawing, and I like, those are the guys that don't express themselves enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, he's uhm, not who, he's not who you think he is. That's what they say about Clayton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you, you fuckin' nailed it. Yeaah? You nailed it. 2015, he stole credit cards and was caught. Then in 2016, he stole jewelry from his girlfriend's grandma and pawned them and was caught. Then he got arrested for a final time for being on drugs and stealing. Yeaah. It's all scam related stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. One last guy, hopefully we get it. Okay. Hopefully we land on a sweetheart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, Jacob, that's a nice video. Uh, like the, like, friends and family. Let me see, like, what your- Oh, interesting. Okay. Yeah. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe you said nice guy who like popped off one time and did something crazy. Yeah, this guy has like a temper. Yeah, well, he was arrested for attempted strangulation and then violating his probation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also like that she's actually making this really impassioned plea, and it sounds almost sophisticated, but then she's just like, in their asshole, they understand what a pussy feels like, so like, the language choices, kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of pussies and assholes, this is actually something I'm so excited to share. So there's been this thing, there's, it's been going on for the last, I would say the highest point has been the last year about censorship of books, like what kind of books should be in libraries for kids, and you know, people are like pushing back on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drag queens and, and so I guess the, uhm, this is Senator, uh, Kennedy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's reciting sections of All Boys Aren't Blue and Gender Queer and this is like in DC at, at uhm, like a hearing. This is amazing. And yea, it's really fucking, it's just hilarious to see him say, and then you can see the face of some of the people who are listening to him read it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a thing that happens though, drag queens sometimes, they get mislabeled. Have you ever seen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, can I point something else out? Not only does she set up a camera, but she has a microphone clip. This is all set up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite thing is before I went down to Mexico to do a show, some of the Latin comics were like, just so you know man, in Mexico.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I met you. Thoughts? Literally how I met you. I literally met you. Yeah, I know. I met you in fish nets. Yeah. A hundred percent certain you were a working girl sitting on sunset. And I was like, man, I wish I had another 60 bucks on me. Thanks babe. So special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His expression, by the way, is completely disinterested. That's how he does it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm jumping, just because we're on this topic I'm jumping to another video because I think this is actually really appropriate to wrap things up on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The neighborhood kids were like, I'm gonna take a shit there. And we'd let them. We would announce, we would go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I began to slide into him from behind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I pulled out of him and kissed him while he masturbated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was my ass. And I was struggling to imagine someone inside me. What did you mean by that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I imagine they do- No, you do it and then you just go back to the office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is a gypsy dentist ripping you off big time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That's true because my old Russian dentist, cash only, they do cash only. This is what immigrants do, usually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me tell you, this same lady, she told me, she's like, oh, you're gonna have to have a brand new crown. This one's cracking. And I was like, yeah, right, bitch. But then, three months later, I went back and she was right. She showed me the actual, she's like, see, it's cracked. You have to redo the crown. And I was like, alright, bitch, I trust you now. But I didn't initially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like I'm also very weary of dentists telling me what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm, you shady fucking gypsy bitch. Well she did it though, how you feeling? You still numb?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The kids went to sleep at a decent time. I get into bed with you and, and all I hear is like, the kidnappers took her, put goggles on her face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe that's the appeal, cause I certainly don't have it in me. The whole time I think to myself, this is gonna happen to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so handsome, I love the flecks of silver in his whiskers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he knows an alternative truth that you don't know. I never knew that about Braveheart. There's so many things I'm learning from him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you and the other male comics in Austin need to start doing this in the green room before shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This topic has really captivated TikTok. It went highly viral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. So remember the last gentleman we had right in Brock and he was telling us-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so, just so we can clarify, erotite is anus, vag, mouth, meaning no air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want to know the best way to learn a language? It's through immersion. Living where the language is spoken and using it every day. But if that's not in the cards this year, you can still learn a language the second best way. And that's with Babbel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be a better you in 2024 with Babbel, the science-backed language learning app that actually works. Don't pay hundreds of dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now get 50% off a one-time payment for a lifetime Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash y m h.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen up football fans, this is the last weekend of the year to get your football bets in. I've teamed up with DraftKings and right now is the perfect time to take your shots at the crown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DraftKings is giving all new customers $200 in bonus bets instantly when they place their first $5 bet on anything. There's no time like the present.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Download the DraftKings app now and sign up using my promo code MOM. Wondering what you can use your $200 and bonus bets on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Combine multiple bets together from Super Bowl 58 for a shot and an even bigger payout. If you're already signed up for DraftKings, you can make a bet on Super Bowl 58 and get a bonus bet back. Get a bonus bet in the amount of your initial wager. Max reward varies. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New customers use my promo code MOM and bet just $5 on any wager and get $200 in bonus bets instantly. That's promo code MOM only at DraftKings Sportsbook. The clown is yours. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? We didn't consider, Tommy, as you're right, that these small town places- That does make sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then again, okay, so here's my thinking. Yeah, but if you live in a small town and everybody talks...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, even more reason for me to not have a five-way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm like, well there's like, there's like ten guys in the village I can bang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is an actual live woman human that wrote in who went airtight. Ready guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So don't discount moms and their wild sides, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took on three dudes at the same time. Air tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the second dude gets behind me. I bend forward as far as I can so it's belly to belly with the first guy still inside. Then the second guy enters my ass. He controls the momentum really. At that point, your girl isn't able to really move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Third dude comes to the front and straddles the first dude's face more or less. I took him into my mouth slash throat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By this point, I had been having sex with all three of them alone and in combinations for a few hours. So this was the finale. It's an absolute insane experience. Very, very fun. At the time I had a long-term partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he had friends who were open to the experience, I don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really think it's fair to say that slighted behavior is for girls in their twenties and they end up regretting it. Love your show. Hope I could shed some light on airtight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. Now, now I gotta go to the trampoline park, have a birthday party, and see what happens. You and I gotta plan some stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you don't want just some Johnny Cum new guy. No. And who are you and how do you fuck me? Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand. I hear what you're saying. Nobody runs into airtight. That's what she's telling you too. Like you don't just run into it. You have sex with the guys and then you guys figure out the configuration. And she also makes a good point. It's not just for women that do it and regret it in their twenties. You can do it in your late thirties as a mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, regarding, uh, your last picture, you need your panties ripped off and three big black dicks and all three holes at the same time, three exclamation marks. He likes threes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Way up your pussy P-U-S-S-E-Y and way up your ass as far as they will go but even farther. And the thickest cock goes down your throat so it makes you gag and convulse as those big black cocks pound away. It feels like from the start you're being assaulted but it's made you come non-stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just one con- he's such a juvenile. Just one con-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeez, I can't even, it's so juvenile. As you lay on your stomach, the cum is coming out all your holes. I'll turn you over and jack off all over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, guess what I just did. I ordered yet another Sotva mattress. I did. I did. I just cut, uh, the Lumenleaf king size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. It's my absolute favorite. All the mattresses in our home are Saatva mattresses. Why? The quality is unbeatable. The price is unbeatable. It's made in the United States of America. Organic cotton. You know when sometimes you get a new mattress and it smells all chemically and gross? You don't get that with a Saatva mattress because it's just cotton. It's real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And right now you can go to Sotva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next Sotva purchase. I highly recommend you do that. I know you've been thinking about getting a new mattress, maybe upgrading, maybe getting a bigger one. You can with Sotva SAA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TVA.com slash the shit for $200 off your next purchase. The customer service is impeccable. I ordered our new one. Uh, they set up delivery, shows up, easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Saatva.com slash the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Similar idea, and also I do like that he allows her a 10 minute break so that she can get back on her knees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I'm very nervous, paranoid. How do you send these texts to just hoes? Like, you know this shit's gonna end up on the internet, bro. What are you doing? How do you not even think, like, I shouldn't text this, maybe a phone call, but even then, could be recorded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds like he really likes the cum. It's all about seeing other guys cum and big black dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My question is, did she in any way invite, like, was she like into this at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why he's LOLing either. Geez. This is a really cool text. Thanks, Tom. That look is insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's always the bad choice is to go from just grey. Insanity. Stay grey. Get your plugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I'm sorry, I really have to urinate so bad. Can I just piss really quickly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I gotta go, but then I can really focus on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back. We peed. Yeah, so much better. I can't think when I have to pee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this one's personal between you and me. Would you rather...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I change my hair and I get either really really really really short short


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or long long black hair. Long black hair. That was great. Why? But you like blondes, you're not into the dark hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn dude, that was brutal. Okay, would you rather I be too tall or too short?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 6'1", but I would tower over you. I mean, I would be, sorry, I was just thinking that. I'm just saying like, I would be at your height, and that would be fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I guess the appeal is like they're so petite and tiny. I'm so much bigger than you. I get that. I would like that. If I were a man, I'm not like a tiny girl. I'd be like, oh, you're so petite. I could break you and fucking kill you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm trying to imagine what it's like to have one. I wish I could feel it once in my life because I feel like that's the thought I would have in my head. It's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And would you rather I be hardcore Christian?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the type of Christian where I, you know the ones when I post on TikTok, who are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, how I work out and, and honor Christ and they have to wear like the, um, the Lululemons with the Bible verses and they read the Bible in the gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's me. Now let's say we were together for 20 years and then one day I'm like, babe, guess what? I'm vegan. Or babe, guess what? I'm Christian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One is an assault on your ideology all the time and your possible behaviors. And it could affect your sex life. Cause I could be like, you know, the Lord says- Oh my-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Da da da da da. The other one's just going to affect like, what you can eat for dinner. Cause I'll be like, I'm not gonna make you your hurtful meat. I'm, I'm vegan now. You have to have tofu and fake cheese, cashew cheese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Militant, and I'm gonna try to convert you at every, or it's like you open your baby bird eyes and I'm like, good morning, the Lord has blessed you with another day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, well listen, but I'd be like, yes, but first we have to do our morning devotionals together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, first I read my Bible verses to get super pumped for the Lord. Between sets. And then she's like, yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's a form, so okay, so here's, so that's a form of mental illness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you are. Vegan mayonnaise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Praying before every meal. Praying before we get in the car. Pray, pray, pray. All day, pray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like my wife became a hardcore Christian. I'm losing my mind. She converted and I'm like going crazy. Someone right now is dealing with this. Poor son of a bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awful! You know, it's hard, the whole trick of marriage is to evolve together with somebody over time and like you hope that you guys pick up hopefully the same interests and things, you know? But if one person goes that way, one guy goes this way, one guy goes this way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or macaroni with whatever. Spray butter, yea. But the best part of the vegan, by the way, my vegan relative who I adore though, is she would eat the Tofurkey, remember, and she'd go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't taste like the real- That's why it's called the real thing and then you're fake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%. I was wondering that like, cause when I was 25, I was still getting hammered and puking and yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm saying like, I don't know if I could-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, now you're talking. But like I don't know if he's got...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Circular texture for some polished flair. Oh my god, I love his moves. He's like corporate that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am so foreign to nice normalcy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got, um, Charles from Boston vibes. What's going on? It's Charles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little, a lot more. Yeah. Tony P needs to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you know, I mean, this may sound so stupid, but I finally just figured it out in my 47th year of life, is that the Tony P's of the world...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our, you know, betas! To quote our good friend. And, but hold on a second, let me finish the thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that the type of woman that's attracted to beta is the dominant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they get to be Disney adults because they're so innocent and they're young and sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I take the one drawback? Cause I've been there for a show I've filmed many years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it was a show where I picked up hitchhikers on FX, and we picked up people at Burning Man and gave them rides. And actually it's a lovely culture. I love the idea. It's very cathartic and great. The Playa dust and the filth. There's no way around that. No way to shower and shit properly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't a huge raper, don't get me, I'm not like gonna claim that scene, but I was there enough to be like, this is definitely fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I do know of clubs my gay male friends would go to where there would just be like a guy sitting somewhere and then you guys would take turns fucking him or maybe, you know, like glory holes, you just put your dick in a hole and guys do whatever they want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. Straight up. Straight up, homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you how I know she has perfect tits? I've never seen them. But the fact that she doesn't have to wear a bra to go out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you why I love that she did that? Uhm, it just made comedy fun again. That's funny. For me, like watching that, I'm like, oh, that's, that's why we do this. So fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one I like because you know what you're doing. I like it. This is your fault, dumb shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But may I ask, what's the point of this? He's just trying to go, he's trying to traverse it? Does he have like, the rope or whatever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The outcome is likely this. You know what I mean? It's so dangerous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brilliant. It's brilliant. At first I was like, I don't know, that sounds somewhat un-compassionate, but then I'm like, this bitch is getting what she wants out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so this is the lane of like dad jokes. Like dorky. I really hate him. I hate from Austin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck right off. Between this guy and dad joke guy? Fuck off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the dad is a virgin. That guy's too virginal. This guy's just like a straight up...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems unfair cause he's just buying, you know, he's just taking these off the internet. Yea, I know. He's not even thinking about them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, is this my new hairstyle? I was thinking of doing. Oh. Tom, I know you like being with a skullet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's gotta grow in. It's going to be an awkward grow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're dealing with administration, you have to pretend to be this normal guy, and this is your only release.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saatva Luxury Mattress. My absolute favorite mattress. I sleep on every night. My guests sleep on them. My children sleep on Saatva mattresses. That's how much I love this company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We bought our first Saatva mattress about 15 years ago. We bought a king size luxury firm because we wanted to get a huge


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quality mattress for a fraction of the cost, and that's what you get at Saatva Mattress Company. Uh, everything is made in the United States of America. They don't have a retail store, so instead you have the mattress delivered to your home. You try it out for like 90 days if you don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And right now if you go to sotva.com slash the shit, you get $200 off your next sotva purchase. Again, sotva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next sotva purchase. Trot out. Welcome. Welcome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want you guys to know I'm just hitting limited cities because you, my friend, are going to be going everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyhoodles, christinapeonline.com. I'm finally, and I'm so pumped, uhm, spending more time in Canada, my birth country, renewing that Canadian passport. It's been real dope. I'll be doing Vancouver at the Vogue Theater. I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we sold out very quickly. The early show, guess what? They were like, do you want to do a late show? I'm like, no, I want to do like a 5pm. An early show, yeaah. And that's what I'm doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I go to San Francisco, Palace of Fine Arts Theater, February 18th, tickets are going fast. And then Jew Dork Titties at the Gramercy where I filmed my second special, March 23rd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To order your perfect red lipstick for the woman in your life, for Christmas, you should do that, or for juniors or wherever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the good thing about the interwebs, all the weirdos get on there and make themselves public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like him at all. And Hayley doesn't like him either. Nobody fucking likes him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, this guy existed, exists your whole life as a girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He exists, since you're in grade school, and then in, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Junior high school, Barry's there, but usually they end up being...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gay guys, like right, like from the beginning, like the weird guy in my junior high, he was like a gay guy. He's like a feminine kinda weird guy, and they're like, oh he's just gay. And then he goes to college, and you're like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's weird guys everywhere. Weird guys everywhere. And the problem is, is women were, you're nice to people and you just shouldn't be. You just shouldn't be nice. Don't be, don't worry about him. He's fine. He's gonna move on to some other girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, can I, Yana, I'm going to credit the city of Los Angeles. Growing up in a major city like that, you learn real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not to fuckin' talk to strangers. You put the big sunglasses on, nothing to see here, don't fuckin' talk to me glasses. Don't even look at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and also I would like to thank my Eastern European heritage for that as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just thought you didn't, you would never notice and I didn't want to say anything to you, and I can't believe you noticed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, do you know how fucking retarded I am? Is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that I've been side parting my hair since I was 15 years old?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So today I had a stylist come to do it and I go, gosh, I'd really like to try a hair part. And she goes, well, we can try it today. And I go, wait a minute. I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All she does is she just, she takes her comb and she makes a new part and then you just style it accordingly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can, I can talk about other things in the world. You wanna talk about the aliens? I know all about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want me to do it? Yes! For what? What are you gonna give me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does grow back. I'm not, I'm not so vain about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I might, I mean it takes a few years before I would get hair again. That's fine. What's a few years? Can I tell you a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also don't like having super super short hair because I feel it's disproportionate with my body because I have huge tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what these two boys in my elementary school as Josh Potter would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would get summer cuts and their parents would shave their heads like dogs. And I felt so bad for those two boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I know. I look kinda tight, dude. Yeaah. Yeaah, I'm kinda tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I like. We are supported by DraftKings. The countdown to Christmas is here and I've teamed up with DraftKings to bring a gift to new customers that will certainly put you in the holiday spirit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, all new customers who bet just $5 will get $150 in bonus bets instantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put some extra jingle in your pocket by downloading the DraftKings app and sign up using my promo code MOM. If you're already signed up for DraftKings like me, you can get a no sweat bet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If sports betting is not yet available in your state, don't worry. You can still join in on all the fun with the DraftKings Daily Fantasy Sports. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New customers who use promo code MOM and vet $5 will get $150 in bonus bets instantly. That's promo code MOM, only at DraftKings Sportsbook. Tis the season to skip the in-store rush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the holidays knock, answer with DoorDash. Get holiday groceries and gifts delivered fast and enjoy everything you need for hosting and toasting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make DoorDash your go-to for getting holiday gifts and ingredients right when you need them. You can skip the trip to the store with fast delivery so you can stock up on holiday groceries and home goods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether it's same day delivery of gifts, groceries, or those last minute party essentials, DoorDash has you covered. With thousands of grocery and retail stores available nationwide, you'll find whatever you need when you need them as a Dash Pass member.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can enjoy exclusive offers and perks all season long on stocking stuffers, decor, groceries, meals, and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Order now and get the holiday help you need from DoorDash. Use code MOMHOLIDAY to get 50% off up to $10 value when you spend $15 or more at convenience grocery or at select retail stores on DoorDash. Terms apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I really want to look like, can you Google Cindy Lauper?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, see the checkerboard on the side and she's got shaved. She was so cool. That's what I want to look like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't think that's a stinky chick right there? She's tiny, she's petite. Petite people don't stink. Okay. Not tiny people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, that's like every girl's worst nightmare is having her cooch stink and then you guys talk about it. Like, cause we're so, you're so sensitive about that. And then, oh my God, it's like, if some girl that was, that dated you is listening to this, she'll be like, oh my God, is it me? Yeah, it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause straight people, like we have this lucky like plug and play thing. Oh, you can just switch it up. Just like plug in the parts and like, you don't have to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes if you're not in the mood even, you can just plug a part in and then it's done. But to go down on somebody, I'm not saying that's all lesbians do, I understand there's other things they do with each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like what if you're feeling full, you just took a tum, you don't want to eat a box right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, I know. I know. Listen, I'm not an expert on lesbian sex, I just tell you, my stupid brain, that's how I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For some reason I have it dialed in, cause look, I'm very binary in my thinking. It's either or. I either have a side part or nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would rather not. Okay. You know, I was, the older I get, I was walking down the beach over Thanksgiving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was looking at older ladies alone with their dogs. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just walking, kinda quiet, and I was like, this is, I get it. Women, the older we are, we're sick of taking care of people. I have the kids, the husband, I'm sick of it. I just wanna be alone with a dog. You know what I mean? Sure. I don't wanna be a lesbian. I don't wanna be anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what he reminds me of? He's got Tony John's vibes, ladies man. And then what's going on? It's Charles because it's a very awkward video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But really it's got Tony Johns vibes and you know he's one of my favorite cool guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May I tell you, so what gave that impression was that the chest up looked masculine, but then his body from below looked a little soft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that a cat, a cat play air, a playstation for the cat? Yeah, litter boxes out too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. If he wants to bring a lady back to his place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eddie, you're a cat guy. Is that a litter box that's just out in his room?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that'll look like cat shit. The room full of cat shit smells. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is Alaska though. He might be depressed because there's no sunshine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, we fuckin' soon. Love her tits. I'll say like, dude, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the deal man, all I can see


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is for him to sing like that. We're huge fans of Chaney Crabb, you know, the singer. She sings at hardcore. This is, look, she gave us a tutorial. He's just going to ruin his body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait for you to be a low T King. I've told you this. I can't wait for your levels to drop and you get into meditation and yoga with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a sign of virility and strength and dominance and I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You must bow down to our new Chinese words. I do. I think it's hot. I think you should start working on this. Forget the cold plunge. I want you to start learning how to hang by your lingam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They love it. They love having bricks put in their nuts and monks kicking nuts and pulling on the nuts and they like to suffer. Even these, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These Tibetans, you ever see them? The monks, they go out and they put like a wet sheet on themselves, naked in the middle of winter, and they, they stay warm, they try to use their breath and their mind and stuff. To stay warm? They love to harm themselves, these Asians. This is what it's all about. The self-fucking, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They use their minds. Their minds are powerful, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just, they're spitting on the West is what they're doing. With their dicks. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at us, we dominate you. It's power dude, strength. Do you know what the fuck they're doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, what, a hot fudge brownie sundae would cause you to eat alone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Okay, I'm gonna tell you mine. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate even the fucking word. I hate the words. I fucking hate them and I'm embarrassed to say them out loud because it's disgusting. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how it tastes. I love the texture. I love everything about it. And I'm so mortified to say it or eat it in front of people. Can I say it? I brought it with me to eat today in the studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That and I also feel very private about yogurt. I think yogurt's a private food. I love yogurt. I have yogurt every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's being such a fucking asshole lately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy, jump onto my butt cheeks. I'm like, stop this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what is cottage cheese? Cottage cheese, sometimes called pot cheese, is creamed acid coagulated fresh cheese that is low


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is low in acidity and is washed during manufacture. Cut of cheese has a, yeaah, I know what it, but what is it? How is it made? It's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right on your lap. Adding an acid to pasteurized milk which causes a separation of the milk solids from the whey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like private. Or could you imagine sharing cottage cheese with somebody?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do the same thing! I eat it privately or in the- I take- sometimes I hoard it in the bedroom and I'll take it in our bedroom and just hide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh, and I remember, cause I, wasn't Bronger on a TV show at the time? Well, he eventually was on a mad TV. That was later. That was later. Okay. So I just heard that this guy was super funny and like, he just had such word of mouth credibility and he was just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always have really vivid memories of seeing Kyle Kanane for the first time and being like, who's this fucking guy? Where is he from? Cause he's not from here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember he had this silly joke, it was such like a throwaway. It wasn't even a fully, a full bit. He would take the mic cord, wrap it around his bicep, and he'd go, lifting spirits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, I was so jealous. I was like, these Chicago guys are burning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even uhm, well, this is just my insecurity, but like, like I say, I sell out like a big venue and then the guy always, the booker will be like, yeah, you know who did, who did two sold out shows though? So and so, god damn it. It never ends for you. Let me have the one thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, just pretend, or like, you know who was really fun last week? Burt Kreischer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, no, I'm not fine. They said that to me, they still say that to me. Andrew, you get that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember we did like warm up sets the night before you take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't know if you know this, but English is not their first language in Amsterdam. So I was like, there's dude, this is fucking bomb city. Like, I'm just going to eat dicks. And of course I eat fucking dicks. Everyone's eating dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got up there and he was talking about you eat a sandwich and then you take the pickle juice and then you sprinkle the pickle juice on it and the people were just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you think about it too. We don't entertain people. We don't entertain theater goers. You're entertaining drunks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you, you could stop the car too. I mean, do you stop the car? Cause then that, what if that guy's trying to attack you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got one more. Have you seen India?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that chaos. Look, it's pedestrians, bikes, buses, all together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are those called? Tuk Tuks? Is that what that is? Like that amongst bicyclists?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this Lima bad? Lima's just cars, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you ever go as a tourist to Uzbekistan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you guys look great. We should do side by side. Can you edit this later?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were to be gay, just hold on. Just hear me out. Would you do it with Brido? Please say yes. Somebody that you look just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there- is there a genre of porn where people who look alike fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Right out. Are you on TikTok? Barely. Cool. Well, I want to show you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to find the outliers of TikTok, so we're not gonna watch cute girls dancing or people singing. This is real shit. Yeah, nothing that you would enjoy. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What country? This is not America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The toilets are different, Eastern Europe. It's like, it, it, it's porcelain here, so you shit on top of porcelain, there's no water, and then you flush, and the water comes and flushes the turd down. So you smell your shit as you're shitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, just like a shelf. It's a shit shelf, right? Like this is your, this is your, you shit on porcelain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, this is a new trend on TikTok, where stupid bitches are getting freckles tattooed onto their faces. Those are freckles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so just for people listening, this is a woman who had cut her breasts off, uh, I don't know. She transitioned. She transitioned, right, and she's a he, and now he's having babies, and this is the end of the transition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, here's, this is so fucking amazing. So she's like, I menstruate, hold on, just, you realize like to harvest your period blood is wild too. The way she does it, she menstruates into reusable pads or underwear, just like free bleeding. And then you marinate it in water to get all the blood out. Hold on, don't, don't you dare forward what I'm about to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the craziest part, she's spraying her plants with her menstrual blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The internet, and people are bored, but the internet has convinced you in some weird way that everything that is natural is therefore good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like your period blood is natural. It's got these irons and vitamins. Don't waste this nature's bounty. It's like the urine therapy people. It's like just some stuff your body excretes for a reason. You're excreting it, bro. You're not meant to drink it or recycle it, homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Educate. This woman, so there's another one I saw, that she puts it in spray bottles and sprays the plants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so dumb. We're in trouble. Our videos suck. By the way, like, why don't you tell me the real shit? This is all like bullshit stuff. Like, we take our cameras sideways. Like, who shits first if you guys are sharing a bath, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's interesting, the two broads and one dude? Yeah. Sure, usually it's one fat chick, fatso with like two beta guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't like get annoyed with each other, like even a couple, but just two of you. Imagine two bitches yammering into your ear. And you know like they cycle together too, so it's two bitches on their period.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause remember that documentary about those people that were probably-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, remember like, it was serious, they're all hippie crunchies, and then the guys are like ponytail yoga guys? You have to be to make this show work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he gets himself into like these really complex situations. He's emotionally... Don't you feel like this situation is so emotionally dramatic? And what these people are actually into is the emotional bullshit more than the sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that'd be so much fun. Yea, you have to like, stalk them up first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I will say, it's gotta be so hard for them to find gigs. I mean, what else can you do but be in show business?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember? Like, he would, his dreams were very attainable. He's like, I think we should start...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we all band together. Can we just Google the rollofs and see if you had a high voice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his fault. So it's like the grandfather. Oh, that's okay. Those guy. Yeah, that guy. This guy's the best. Yeah. I love him because he's such a little visionary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, the sun is hot. They've got like a hot sun. That's great. No, a hot LP- oh wait, is it? They have a full size sun. He's kind of a silver fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it? 20 bucks. Was it American dollars or was it Canadian?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For example, ball cupping or ball tapping rituals where you tap your bestest bro's balls and look at his beautiful mushroom head and send good energy into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are things that the ancient Spartans did. They would also eat ass. You don't have to eat ass, but there is good bacteria in your mouth that you can transfuse into your bestest bro's butthole to improve his digestive tract.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I find it so cute and funny and kind of annoying that so many modern mens work leaders base their branding off of like spartan culture and they call it the modern warrior journal or you know, we're the samurai brotherhood, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get down to business. That's how I roll with females, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, how did he fill up his hairy hole? I'm interested. There's a whole video actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I mean, he's a real physician, so yea. He's, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are very excited. Yeah, she was talking about your part. Okay. Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Satva. Go to satva.com slash the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to another episode of your mom's house. Good or good morning, good afternoon, good evening, whenever you're listening, whenever you're watching. Thank you for joining us. Um, Jean, there's very exciting. It's a very exciting day. We have a lot going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much going on, so many things, so much learning has happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't think a human being would ever utter this. You believed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, um, they went, they went pretty hard. People were upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, the nice thing is, uh, for everybody listening and watching, don't, don't ever say we didn't teach you anything. Uh, today you learned, uh, shower caps and bonnets. They're not just for black women at the airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so, this goes beyond any, like, I don't even feel like we're in reality. We're not! That you're like, I didn't know I couldn't, like, there was a thing to not get my hair washed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I noticed that you did it, you did uhm, probably the right thing and you went really mild. It just looked like you had a little bit of sun. Just a little. I think that was smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's probably very, um, you know, uh, appealing when you get into a place that you're like, yeah, make it look like- Tempting. Yeah, tempting to get like a really good tan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bart has been really into it. He's been talking about it non-stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he went really dark on his second round, which I think is probably the thing is that you, you tempt, you taste it, right? You, you just kinda go, okay, and then you go, okay, I'm ready. And he really went, he really, really went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm definitely doing that. And by the way, if, if, if I go in there for a spray tan and they're like, oh, just put on this song, I'll be like, no. You see it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna try it. I'm gonna try it. But they're getting the full show. I'm not putting on a thong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just gonna show him my hole up front. I'm gonna be like, here's my hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's my stuff in the front. It's my hole. And you spray it, you spray it. I want it to be tan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you remind yourself that he's gone. It's such a bummer. Cause you'll see it and you're like, oh, fucking cool. And then you're like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's the thing, that can fool you. I know somebody who is a thin guy, okay, and- Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's uh, it's fucking so per- cause like, you know, the woman is doing what this modern era tells everyone to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the fun- the good thing about that though, is that what he's doing, or what he did, was a reminder to people that that is bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is bullshit to be like, we're all 10s. Like, that's bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And no one will do it until, until someone goes, how come I'm single? And he's like, well, let's kind of evaluate things. What are you bringing to the table? Like he's doing the real conversation that we used to do all the time. We used to be like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what you look like. This is what your career is. This is like what you're bringing to the table. It's all a factor. And that used to be the norm. Someone would be like, well, you know, you got to fucking move up in life if you want this other stuff. You got to get it together. And then now they're like, whatever you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she always looked, she did, she basically looked like this 20 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She still looks great. And this is the kind of thing too, when we go, you know, you can be beautiful at any size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you can't. You're only beautiful if you're as thin and perfect as these women. Then you're beautiful. And if you don't look like them, guess what? You're not a ten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so true. It's true. There's a reason why they made tens of millions of dollars off of just being born. Like that's what they did. They were just born and they fucking look like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then companies are like, will you please put this shirt on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by DraftKings. UFC fans, we've got a good one going down this weekend with Mahatchev and Olivera in a rematch. I've partnered up with DraftKings to bring you all an exciting new offer right now. New customers who sign up using our promo code MOM and bet just $5 on any


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This weekend's matches will receive $200 in bonus bets instantly. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New customers will instantly receive $200 in bonus bets. And when they bet just $5 on any of this weekend's fights, stay in on the action and use your $200 in bonus bets on DraftKings same fight parlays


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DraftKings is the only place where you can bet same fight parlays. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. New customers use promo code MOM and bet just $5 on any wager and get $200 in bonus bets instantly. That's promo code MOM only at DraftKings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you call a person who speaks three languages? Trilingual. Someone who speaks two? Bilingual. Someone who speaks one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only 22% of Americans speak a language other than English at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start learning a new language this fall and be the exception, not the rule. Because with Babbel, you start speaking a new language in just three weeks. Why Babbel? Because it works. Babbel is designed by real people for real conversations. All of Babbel's tips and tools for learning a new language are approachable, accessible,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rooted in real life situations and delivered with conversation based teaching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love using Babble. I love the fact that they actually make you spell things out and by spelling I feel like you retain the information on another level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over 10 million subscriptions sold, Babbel is real language learning for real conversations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a special, limited time deal right now for our listeners if you get started right now. Get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at Babbel.com slash YMH. Get 55% off at Babbel.com slash YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Y-M-H. Rules and restrictions may apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, oh my god, I was so excited. I got tagged in this like a week or so ago that, uh, on AEW, the wrestling show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. You know, of course, Mystic Rick, one of the, I don't know if you could pull up Mystic Rick for people that are- You're the greatest wrestler of all time. Yeah, I mean, he's a huge, huge wrestler that, uhm, you know, he used to do the turkey slicer and all this shit from back in the day. And when I brought him-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's into the podcast world and I was, I was dogging wrestling. I never expected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it was a bit. Yes, it's, it's how bits a lot of times work where, you know, you say something that you kind of feel, but you exactly, I mean, I was harsher than I was just exaggerating, but it was so funny that I was like, wrestling is all bullshit and it's fucking R worded. And then last night or no, excuse me, I guess a week or two ago on the, um, uh, on AEW.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a sign in the aud- the guy's like, near the front. And it just says, Tom Segura was right. As this guy is on mic in the rim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or letting me know, I just thought it was really funny, man. And I've become friends with a number of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I don't know. Maybe it was to disguise what his sign was saying. You know, like maybe he, he put something else there and then, you know, like took something away. Sort of like when Zolo went to Garden Brooks concert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a garth, we love you, and then dropped it. Where are the bodies? Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For people that don't know, like you're standing there and it says, we love you, Garth, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it gets on the Jumbotron, and then you just dropped that card, and then it says, where are the bodies? And there was a quick cut away from you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cool thing about that is that one day, you know, just like when you go into like a, like let's say an old comedy club or something, that one day, one of our sons


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gonna have that like in his house and someone's gonna be like, what is this all about? And he's gonna be like, you know, my parents used to fuck with a country superstar and they're gonna be like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they'll be like, I know that guy, I know who that is. He's a really good singer, why would they do that? Why would they do it? They said he was a serial killer. And they'll be like, those are your parents? They were most proud of this actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah. So, you know, you realize that at some, you know, there's just some things you, you have to, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make some sort of concession. You're like, yeah, I want to have our friends over, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're having, having dinner. We're having a great time. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We finally, it's like, alright, we gotta get in, so they go to bed, you go in there with them, tell them, alright, go to bed, you come out and you're like, it's on, like, yes! We sit down, we're still talking, then you hear footsteps, which is obviously all the time when you have kids, you're like, what's this gonna be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And our oldest walks through the kitchen while our guest is here and he goes, I gotta poop. And we're like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were like, very good. And then he's a parent too, so he was like, I'm familiar with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank god. And then we see the little guy behind him and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just dancing, like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm gonna go with him. For support. Yeah, and then it's just, it's just a way to not go to bed, which is like what they're experts in doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here, I got some fun for you. Yeah. Ready? Yeah. You'll like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's insane though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For those who don't know, we've been playing clips right now. This is Jesse Lee Peterson, a pastor and an educator. This is another clip of his. Very inspiring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stronger, happier. I think you know what it makes you feel? It makes you feel like you're worthy. Like men's validation as men comes from, from a lot of men comes from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing, if you're a woman and you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell me how much you bench. And then yea, it would feel like I was with a guy. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't say it like that, I just go, do you want to? And you go, absolutely not. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a priest, but he's, it's not the catholic combination. What church is this that they're like, it's cool. Episcopalian. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see, does it say here? Episcopalian. It could be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, of course, you could be a gay priest and Catholic as well. I'm not saying you can't be. But they probably wouldn't announce it like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, it's not common. But the way that he clearly has said this openly, that's what makes me think he's definitely, aside from the collar, not Catholic denomination.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This kind of go, this, when people get this type of reaction though, it always makes me feel like you're, you're only a few questions away from discovering their own, like, you know, their own curiosity with it or their own experience with it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well this guy settled in and was like, I think he just realized how fucking crazy this guy is that he's talking to. Oh well. Oh wow. That was a fun, uh, fun rundown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what's crazy is that on a lot of streets that we see these things on, there are bike lanes and they're always out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so when he falls, he jumps off of that, and that humongous piece of rock falls with him, it lands on his leg. Oh yeah, that would do it. But that's not what he knows, Christine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He finds out that his leg is broken when he makes the attempt to stand here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a lot of bookstores have, you know, they have coffee and you just, you're like, I'm looking at books, drinking coffee, I'm shitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You know what I like the most about this? How dismissive he is of her. Yeah. Yeah. That's how you should talk to all women. Let's wrap this up. We will be back in a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And welcoming for the first time to our studio, the two chicks from Girls Gotta Eat. Raina and Ashley, thanks for coming in everybody. Let them hear it. Thank you for coming. Hello!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you also, does your boyfriend, uh, like, has played with as well?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why you probably, I'm assuming then, endorse really communicating what you like and what you don't like, right? That's a very, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so do you, do you, is it kind of like it's a thing that you lead, like do you tell guys up front? By the way, I don't like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought this would be a fun game to play. Okay. You guys are known, obviously, for, you know, your opinions on sex and you're guiding people. How about we give you four guys and you tell us in order who you, who's the most fuckable. Okay, here we go. This is so exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Right? Cause like, what kind of guys, you mentioned, we cut it off cause we wanted to save it, that you're fuckin', uh, an ableist. And that you are, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, which is fair, which is fair, but being that what you just said, does this mean that this is not for you what you would want long term? This is just a fun thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does the scatter thing, cause I have, I, I enjoy the aesthetics of tattoos a lot too, but like sometimes they're, they're like, you know, mix and match everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like, like the, you guys showed me a photo of somebody with like a, a really cool sleeve. Like do you, like that, that looks rad on a dude I think. I'm down with a sleeve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way that he speaks, it almost presents, you're, it almost, if you were listening, you're like, oh, this might be like a wealthy guy. You know, like he has such- Oh, you close your eyes and I hate it. And then you look at the background and you're like, that's a mattress kind of like maybe on the floor. It's very messy. It's not a nice place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think the real answer is that it just varies person to person, right? Cause I've actually, I had to be educated on this when my, cause my dad would tell me about his friends, that were like in, and then there were, there were the totally like non-sexual ones, and then there were the dudes who were like 85, and still fucking, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the older, I think the older, cause I never had any sexual conversation with him as like a teen or in my, you know, it's like, I think as you start to view your parents as people, you know, when you get older, and then I think they start getting comfortable talking, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we didn't get into the same conversations that I have with like my friends. You know, but he would let, you know, you could also see him, he'd be like, ah, you know, I remember that girl and she really knew how to suck. And I was like, what the fuck? And then, you know, he would, or let out what he likes. I love cleavage, like big tits. And I was like, yep, thanks for selling me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I put on, one time, it was like one of the few things that I could show them, I put on, dad, look here's dad, talking about you on like, Colbert, and like I'm, and he was like, he was like, that didn't happen like that, like I, what I was saying, and I was like yea, and then he was like, where's my fucking, like he just goes right away, they don't give a shit. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's the one, that's gonna be different. That's a dream to be able to do, to be on a show that the kids actually like, and she's doing that. That's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get ready to moisten up. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's just like, I don't know, he's tired of not getting any attention or affection I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, his message though, I feel like his message, you know, a little crude the way it's said, but he does make the point, I'm not like these young boys who are just interested in getting themselves off. Last lady I was with ten to fifteen times. Who cares?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the coolest. Well, I just tried to give you, you know, a full platter of different types. A buffet, yea. Yes, a buffet. You had, you had the John, who's not gonna do much. He stood on his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the last one, and don't forget, we really would like some breakdown of who's the worst, who's the best. Okay. Okay, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one came because this guy was going to the same gym as Julia. And he saw her at sign in, so he knew that her name was Julia. And then when they, when she walked out of the gym,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He followed her and just, that's the only interaction they've had is in the parking lot of the gym. And he just spoke to her and she was polite to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as he was having a conversation with her, he was like, can I get your number? And she said, how about I get YOUR number?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unsolicited text from this guy who's saying, good morning, it was great to meet you. Yesterday was, I'm going to change my life and I'm going to fall in love with you. All this stuff. He, she then showed her friends this video and her friends were like, Oh my God. And then they are the ones that had it, that made it circulate. Um, and they, they, you know, they had fun with it and they kind of were like asking him for more video. He did a couple more videos, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Should we pivot, should we tell them the thing now? All these guys are dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I also feel like I've always felt this about, I have empathy for the, cause I've always felt that everyone, especially every guy, can relate to the feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now did, did, without giving away too much though, did he, uh, go back to his old ways?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait to use the total washlet to spray you off my ass cheeks. So hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what if it's a great dude, a great dude, you meet him, and he's 5'8", you're like, hell no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, but he's 5'7 and a half. You're like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's like, that's just a build a person fantasy though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Part of you is like, hey man, are you a monster? You're fucking 6'9". He had a monster. Oh, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every, every woman that, that we ever on stage or off meet, she's like, what's his dick like?