[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spoiler alert, he makes the same dumb fucking decisions he did on the first go around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like this movie? No, the point is, how stupid is he to go back to the same decisions? The point is, if you were a guy like him in 17 again, and you're in a 40 year old body, you go back and bang every


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, if I can drop the goth shit, I would be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A cheerleader. I would be like the hottest girl in high school. I would...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd probably take like the easiest major in college. I don't know what I was thinking with philosophy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have started to stand up immediately. I would have played a sport in high school instead of just being goth and angry. I would have done tennis because that's a gentleman's sport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's no money in that game. Like, I should have just fucked all these dudes, and then when I went to college, nobody knows you anyway, so you could just start fresh. They're not gonna be like, there's Tina the whore anymore, cause no one fucking went to high school with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's it. Oh wait, and then I would date millionaires and stuff. I would find like sugar daddies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, I'm an idiot. I did everything the hard way. I studied philosophy, which was so fucking hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went into stand up, which is so fucking hard. Nobody wants women in either of those things. It took 15 years to get re- It was terrible. I made stupid choices. I did the hard way always, except marrying you. You were the best decision.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They love it. I would have used my looks to get by more. I think I really, I made the mistake of relying on my intelligence. So stupid. No one cares. Nobody fucking cares.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was hanging out with the goth kids, and I should have been hanging out with the party kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a shortcut, thesectomy at 17 and then you could reverse it later when you want kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you should do it. And I would have put my, my eggs on ice when I was 17 as well, just to have like, primo quality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best, you know? Yeah. Instead of doing it in my fucking thirties. Okay, wait, what else would I have done?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I would have taken a year off to just travel the world. I should have done that after college, but AI was broke. I had no money and I was too anxious to even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard to do broke. I wish I would have saved up money so that when I graduated from college...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could take a year abroad and go live, I do eat, pray, love kind of shit. I would go live in a fucking ashram in India. I would go to Asia. I would go to Japan to learn, try to learn Japanese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have paid attention in 6th and 7th grade math. That fucked me up real bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Because I already want to make them super resilient. And uh, my therapist...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I love this so much that I will put myself in the most dangerous, risky, horrible positions to do it. Yeah, that's true. I love stand-up. I still love stand-up so much. I would do it all over again. But one thing I would never change is eh, marrying you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you, what did you notice about you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no. Are you gonna, are you gonna air it? Are we gonna watch it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I stopped pushing because I heard it ruins your pelvic floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, you know why I love, I love Widow's Peaks cause they're so Dracula. They're so gothy, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he really gets our, our world. He's very similar to us in like, he loves to cultivate things that he hates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, hold on, I just remembered something. Brian Irwin had this joke about, he goes, uh, I look like Sigourney Weaver. And he totally did, he's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna say, I'm, Christine Fujitski, I'm European, I'm Hungarian, so I'm European, but not the good kind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so they know they can see who you are. It's actually a good strategy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, you know, as a rapper myself, uh, the mom song is out with Cray Shawn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can go ahead and download that anywhere. As a rapper, I will say that his bar, his flow was pretty great too, as an experienced rapper. But, uh, yeaah. Go ahead, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Jesse Lucas, I might wanna work with you on my next joint. That was really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'd like to get more of an in-depth account of that encounter because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's one of my absolute favorite cool guys. Uh, so this email is just tremendous. Uh, it says, hello, I was listening to last week's episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a custodian that has worked there for 20 years, that is a career. And by the way, Disneyland custodian is no small potatoes. Disneyland, if you've ever been there, they take their, uh, cleanliness very seriously. I mean, you won't even see so much as a piece of litter on the ground. So this is a real job, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have cleaned up every body fluid you can think of, including cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you ready? The cum was in the elevator room at the beginning of the haunted mansion. Remember the elevator room?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was called originally for a urine cleanup. Of course it is dark as fuck in there and had my coworker shine a light on the spot. Right away I saw a spot on top of the carpet that at first glance I was like, uh, that's not pee. Pee soaks into the carpet and doesn't just hang out on top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is 100% accurate as we know from our children who urinate on everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is so true because, you know, you don't have them very long in that first room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have, I would take the dirty floss over the shit blood skin tissue ripped from a leg caught in the bumper from an Indiana Jones ride vehicle and any other bodily fluid cleaned up. If you need a mommy custodian, I am your yell. Well, thank you so much for letting us know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, well, and also proves my point that the haunted mansion is where you come. That's what I said. If you're gonna pick a ride at Disney, it's the haunted mansion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Squarespace. I love Squarespace. I have built


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's so easy. The templates are so clean and intuitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there's e-commerce on there, lets you sell anything online. You can customize the look and feel. Uh, built-in search engine optimization and there's nothing to patch or upgrade ever. It's so easy to use. I'm not a computer genius. You don't have to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Head to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my jeans, I'm so excited to have this guest on. Justin Martindale is with us! Whee!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might know him from the glitter and garbage podcast with Justine Moreno or on the e-channel What the Fashion. You're so great at that stuff. And Lights Out with David Spade. And most importantly, you and Frank Castillo had a podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Devoted to my Tik Tok curations. Is that accurate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, he's done- Mikey. Mikey Hanger. Mikey Hanger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who knows? So you've been on- Oh there he is. There's Mikey Hanger right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I can't air her on this show because she sings copywritten songs. Yeah, I know. You can't do that. That's one reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is the book, is my husband gay straight or bi? A guide for women concerned about their men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's over. Well, Yana, allow me to defend Dr. Joe Court's position because he does have a point that, you know, when women kiss their friends, their girlfriends in college or whatever, it's just spectrum-y.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you get chatting, and in the chat, do you say, hey I'm a gay guy, are you straight? Like you find out that he's straight, is he telling you I'm curious, or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this in North Carolina?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in your professional opinion, would you assess that he was gay? Or is this, was this, is it possible to truly just be on the spectrum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That bisexual men exist. To be honest, yeaah. Really? They can go back and forth by guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, cause I'm telling you that I, in SF, elicited the dudes I knew, very rare, for a guy to be by, like truly. They usually-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so you got your boss, you hooked up with your boss?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, would you take Brad Pitt or Zac Efron? Uhm. Oh my god, look how good-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that. Now, have you seen Cobra Kai?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I'm like Robbie. Do you like Robbie or the other guy who's in uhm, I mean he's twenty-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what's interesting? So we were talking about how, yeah, okay, there's a double standard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, so there is this masculine culture that we live in. So to go outside of that culture and try even being gay,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the risk is so heavy there, like wouldn't a man have to really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, like really want it, like really be inclined in that direction versus like a casual...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Casual jaunt in homosexuality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get your shi- women? You know, I had a game at Riaz Patel was on where my mom's at and he was like, let me tell you, I used to do these makeover shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] for, for women, and I, he produced them, and he goes, I was expecting to feel sad for these women, cause society tells you to do this, and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The low standards and they're accepting all the shit that straight guys are doing. Like, we can just be like, no, you can't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you dated a guy with stinky nuts? With a bear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Nutrifol, 80 million men and women in the US experience thinning hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's look at neutrophil. Neutrophil is formulated with potent botanicals to help you grow hair as strong as you are. And it's physician formulated to be 100% drug


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Free on top of thicker, stronger hair without lasers or chemicals. Nutrifuls ingredients may also help you get a handle on better sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can grow thicker, healthier hair and support our show by going to neutroful.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L dot com, promo code YMH for hair as strong as you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause in San Francisco, I remember there's a coat, yea, if you wore a brown hankie on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this is a classic gay. This is the gay guy I grew up with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, this to me is like gold standard for gay dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the best dude. Would you have sex with him now? NO!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so you need an aggressor. You would need somebody who was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do this, you suck it, and then you're like, okay, like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now, from what I've understood in the gay community, this pandemic has just been horrendous, especially in LA because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean the gay bars are just also a place to congregate and catch up, right? It's not just like courting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's see if anybody hits you- can you leave it open so that people can hit you up? Let's get you laid today, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be clear, Tom was the only one who laughed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like what boys do when it's like they mash down this part and then there's like the front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm talking about? Yes, I do and exactly. And also, if you're gonna tell a Viagra joke, like you're gonna tell a dick joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then he chooses not to curse at the end. Son of a. Son of a. And it's like, you're telling me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what's great about her, if you want to look at it, it says K the one that stands alone. That's her TikTok. And there's a series of these where she's just going back and forth with this person and there she's fully threatening people and threatening to beat their asses and stuff. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I love is the caption. The person that clowned her, she started shooting and then it's the crying, smiling faces. I love when people clown, fuck that behavior and it makes me so happy. I didn't caption that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is gonna be on TikTok for all the cute guys out there, sexy cute guys. Oh, I see some of you guys on your guys with no shirt on you all. It just cuts off right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Chick-fil-A has signed on to do...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we're not? Well, as long as we painted the colors of Chick-fil-A red and white, right? Are we not allowed to announce it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it rhymes with, it sounds like... Sikvene. Sikvene. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love their original sauce so much. Is there anything better than that? Oh my god. And Chick-fil-A breakfast is another story too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you, I went to Chick-fil-A with a lesbian friend of mine, and she's like, I don't give a shit. Really? A hundred percent, hand to God. Yea. Lesbian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been a wild ride. We've seen a pandemic. Uh, you broke half your body. I broke my ankle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was one of the greatest moments in YMH history is when we found that guy. Man, that was so happy. And we watched Uncle Terry in this studio as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well all this crap comes with us. Anything that moves comes with us. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, so many, what a great era. This show has had so many eras. So many different incarnations and times and markers in our lives. And this was a really unique era. I think we saw a lot collectively as a country, as a world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you really think the police have time to- to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can't just make up a sign that everyone else isn't aware of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do sometimes. Yeah? I'll be like, good job buddies, go get them. Go get the bad guys. When I see them going, whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so funny dude? I don't know if this is, if your dad did this, but my dad had a police scanner in the valley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He love, I'd be like, okay, this guy is right here, he's behind Pierce College, the guy with the gun right now, listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] BTW, it's the month of October. Momtober.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I love hollow jeans, our house is already decorated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking for Halloween decorations. You know what they said to me? Because I couldn't find them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go, ma'am, we don't have Halloween decorations because the Hobby Lobby is a Christian organization and they believe Halloween is satanic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about that? I swear. I had no idea Hobby Lobby was against, uh, Halloween.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did. I was like, no way, I'm in the south, bro. So I was like, well, where can I get them on my Halloween wares? And they're like, well, spirit store. So, you know, I went to the spirit store, $800 later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I didn't know. Hey, I just like crafts and sparkly shit and decorations for my house. And I got a lot of- Christian crafts. Christian crafts. I got a lot of Christmas stuff because we do believe in Jesus. High five on Jesus. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. This was a good run. This was a good era for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and so you were on the road and, you know, you texted that photo to me and I thought, oh my goodness, what a big day. This is Tommy's first arena.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he sold out. What a wonderful thing to celebrate. And you know, the kids and I baked you a cake to celebrate this wonderful achievement. And then I took a closer look at the photo at your face. Go ahead and zoom in on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forgoing having children and putting off getting a house and everything just to live his dream and he finally succeeds. Hey Tom, you sold out in arena.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anytime I have a video of a guy falling off a roof and his knees buckled into his head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So tell me, walk me through this expression, because I'm trying to figure out...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Agent, Agent Jeans and I were both thrilled for you, everybody's thrilled, and yeaah, and we were laughing at you, cause this is, I mean, I, I, it's, it's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause literally, agent jeans, you know, you're coming everywhere to her. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he'll call you and be like, we sold out this, we're adding another arena, da da da, and you're like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which you have a narrow, uh, narrow emotional bandwidth, right? Is that what your shrink calls it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, definitely. Trauma and torture and suffering purifies your soul and makes you a better human being. I mean, I think there's a reason, like, now that we have children, like, hasn't that made you loving, like, sweeter to people, too, and have more empathy? And everybody is somebody's kid in my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but anything that makes you suffer, I think, makes you a better person. Yeaah, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess what? Guess what we're waiting on right now? DoorDash! That's what's up. I love DoorDash. I use it, I don't know, every other day to get food delivered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it late night when I'm not just driving anywhere. It's so convenient to just place my order and get it delivered right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get what you want to eat right now and right to your door with DoorDash. Along with the restaurants you love, you can now get groceries and other essential items delivered with DoorDash. Get your drinks, your snacks, your other household items in under an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Late night ice cream. You got it. I, you know what I love? I love Chinese food. I love my P.F. Chang's and I get it with DoorDash. For a limited time, my listeners can get 25% off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter code YMH. That's 25% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Up to a $10 value and zero delivery fees on your first order. When you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter code YMH, don't forget that's code YMH for 25% off your first order with DoorDash. Subject to change, terms apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cresher? Cresher. Cresher? I mean, it's, I don't know, I never saw- Cresher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is fucking great. I hope it continues forever. Yeah. For Kr-Krishna. Kr-Krishna is the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what that's all about, but they spelled my last name correctly, which is nice to see. I struggle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four strokes, and then it's me as a golfer, and I'm like, hey, I'm a gol- no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying Kevin, it needs to have a good double meaning, a double, a double meaning to be a good title, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Well we, I've already pitched FGT RTD to Netflix. I'm waiting to hear back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So far it's been a long back and forth with corporate on that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, they're being stingy, Mark. How about don't be stingy, Mark?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my goodness, Leo, we discovered him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I got it, I'm done. I could see you doing this kind of thing. And saying all that stuff. You could? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh. Why? When I'm dead, and you find some girl, and you're like, eee, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you are turning into such a dad now, like we were on the airplane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you do stuff now, like, we were on the airplane a while ago, and you were like, we were landing, and you're like, go ahead, lift up the thing so I can see where we are. Like, you had to know where we were, dad, and then like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Storm Dad, you love storms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I have to be like, Storm Dad, there's something hap- and then you come running out, you get so excited to see that lightning and hear that thunder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the multicolored one when they do the rainbow soap. It's really cool. I mean, who are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trampolines are so fucking dangerous. It's the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stupid. Oh, they will be. Some kid's gonna die on, they're gonna sue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how many, how many trampoline injuries per year? Let's see that. How many people hurt themselves on trampolines? It's just gotta be... This is stupid, I mean it's so fucking dangerous. 100,000 injuries every year. At least.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. Fuck a trampoline, dude. We're not getting that in our house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way Jose. No thanks Tom Hanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love their uh, their lounge pants. That's the one I wear. It feels so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In coziness all day. Bonus points Brooklyn and offers bundle deals on lounge wear so you can get more comfort for less money. So go on, get comfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And get it for less at Brooklinen. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code HOUSE to get $20 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a minimum purchase of $100. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com and use promo code HOUSE for $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. That's brooklinnen.com promo code HOUSE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the creepers have found an infinite number of ways to creep out. How do you keep up with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was going to ask you, is that in all the years you've been doing this, what's the common denominator? What do you see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a public service. And I wish there were a spin-off show, uh, to torture a predator. And I would be first in line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So those, but hold on. They can't be fixed. So, but when we're talking about fixing, is it that their wires are crossed? Are they, are they just, the brain is such that they, this is what they're into, and it's just poor impulse control? Is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's guys. It's dudes, so something fuckin' tells me big difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long does it take you to go from, you know, decoy set to the guy showing up to the house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, there's this compelling scene where Ted Bundy is trying to convince the guy that he's meeting with. Bill Hagmeier. Bill Hagmeier. Yea. You know, he's like, I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. You know, I'm uhm, he has these drives like anyone else. Like, you know, you have, you have crazy impulses too. I just act on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think part of it for me when I like to watch, I don't watch it very often because I am, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you think to yourself, like, gosh, if I could put myself in their shoes, like, what is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, using the internet without ExpressVPN is like walking your dog in public without securing them on a leash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of the time you'll probably be fine, but what if one day your dog wanders a bit too far and gets dognapped by someone? Do you know that every time you connect to an unencrypted network, like in a cafe, a hotel, an airport, your online data is not secure? Any hacker on the same network can gain access to and steal your personal data. That's right!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your passwords, your credit card information, your bank login, all that stuff. ExpressVPN.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ExpressVPN, I can't, I can't tell you enough. I love this product. Why do you want people knowing what you're doing online? It's so easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I even know how to do ExpressVPN. It's so simple. It's an encrypted tunnel. It creates a secure encrypted tunnel between your device and the internet so hackers can't steal your sensitive data.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just fire up the app, you click one button, and you are protected. Seriously. Trot out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Secure your online data today by visiting ExpressVPN.com slash your mom. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N dot com slash your mom. And you can get an extra three months free ExpressVPN.com slash your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good. There's a Megan's Law website in California here. Uh, we used to live in a dicey part of LA, uh, the Rampart division. Sometimes I would just put in our address and just watch those blue cubes light up around her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, go see who's in your neighborhood. Megan's Law website.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. That's why I look it up, make sure these creeps aren't out there. A lot of lewd and lascivious, uh, behavior, conduct, contact. A lot of public expo- exposure. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you for real about being a juggalo, man. That shit made me the motherfucker I am today. Honest to God, man. If it wasn't for fucking Jay and Shaggy, that shit would not be on. I would be... I don't know what to fucking think of the kind of motherfucker I'd be. I grew up to be a fucking decent, fucking good-hearted, good-natured motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brett Burke. Kaiser. Looks like Burke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got me into TikTok cause I remember when it first started and we were like in the main room, green room and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, what is, what are these clips you're putting up? And you were like, Justin, you gotta get into it. And I was like, dude, I had a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you have introduced me to so many people that I didn't know I needed my lives. For instance, I don't know exactly their names, but there's like the hot dude with the mullet with tattoos all over his body who like smokes and just looks at the camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know anymore. It's been a long pandemic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like a dirty lifeguard, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, he looks like, uh, he looks like the eighth dwarf from Snow White. He's got that like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a different type of grooming. I don't know. I feel like he can be like, no bro, you can be straight, but let's look at each other's dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think that's toxic masculinity. At work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I feel like women, it's like more like, oh, we can, we've normalized that behavior, but I feel like guys can be, I feel like guys have hooked, I know I've hooked up with straight guys and they now have families. Really? And wives, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I was in school and I remember we were like, oh god, uhm, we were in his car and, you know, we're hooking up in his car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we met on a, uh, a chat site, remember? Oh, yeah. On goodoldgay.com, right to the point. Oh, so he's looking though, he's searching. He's looking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a, yeah, I think it's at that point it was like a, I'm curious, uh, let's try some shit out. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no, it was just at that point it was like a spontaneous like hookup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I don't remember exactly where we met. I think he picked me up in his car, which, you know, safety first, kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was kind of like that. He was like hot Latino, kind of like thick football player. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, well, uh, we parked across from the theater apartment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit, yeaah, yeaah. I think there was some like, ooh, we're going to get caught. Cause I mean, my god, this was kind of like, you know, in Texas, you can't, it's not really normalized at the time and kind of still isn't, I guess. I don't know. It's not San Francisco. No, no, right, right. And, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we could get in trouble, you know, so there was kind of like that excitement about it too. Adrenaline surge. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like old-fashioned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, we, yeaah, we started like making out and, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're like, I mean, we also were like 19, 20 years old, so we were like newbies at it. Uhm, but I remember we, uh, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was some, we were, Dix came out and there was a moment where he was like, yeah, I'm not gay. I remember this. He was like, I'm not gay. One day I want to have a wife and kids. And I was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very bilingual, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, down to Padre Alan and he had picked up like his girlfriend, like one of his girlfriends, not the girlfriend, but other girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she had like passed out in the back seat and we were like, like while she was asleep, that was really hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Selling his oats, I think, I think, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's hit me up a couple times, like, on the Facebook or something, like, hey, I heard you're on Rogan, or something like that. Maybe he listens to this. Well, if he does, you know exactly who you are. Juan Pablo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't judge anybody for like what they want to do. I just feel like the, you know, it's the honesty to yourself is the most important thing. And if you're with somebody to be honest about that, like you can be bisexual, you can be curious, but like when it, when it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's the stigma of like, oh, I'm in Texas, and I gotta...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he was like, I was raised to be a Catholic, and it was looked down upon, and I did three seasons of The Bachelor and knew I was gay in sixth grade. I'm like, I get that, but at the same time, I'm like, you did put a tracker on your ex-girlfriend's car, so that's a little extreme. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you know, now he's like comfortable with who he is, and you know, has a Netflix deal in the works. Oh really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah. I feel like, like if you're bi in San Francisco, they shun you out in the streets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, also it's, I feel everyone's, at this point, kids, and I say kids, I mean, young adults have more courage and they're more fluid, which is something that's kind of educated me a little bit, cause I'm like, no, you have to be this, that, or that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I'd be like. Like now Zac Efron, not high school musical Zac Efron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tanner Buchanan. That's a porn name. That is. That's a porn name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what fraternity is this? Kappa omega kappa? Is this cock? What's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I feel like a casual jaunt is really wanting it. Once you like step into that territory, you know, I feel like it's one thing to be like, oh, I'm going to search on my computer, like maybe watch a porn or-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, or rent a film if that's still a thing, but I feel like once...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're going to a gay bar by yourself without your girlfriends or your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, dude, I went to one with Jim Jeffries. We went, we were doing a show in, uh, I think we're in Minnesota. Uhm, and it was epic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh, so the theater we were at, it was like right there and then a couple doors down was this gay bar called, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we go in there, cause it's right there and it's open and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where, like, a lot of the crowd from the show is at this bar and everyone's just cool and we're just having drinks. I'm like, ah yea, it's a gay bar I guess. And all of a sudden there's like this plexiglass. This dude comes out just butt ass naked. Butt ass naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turns on a shower that's in there and just starts taking a shower. My back's to the plexiglass. I just look at Jim just like. He's like, mate, you gotta turn around right now. And I'm like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well it's funny cause the women in the bar, like I was looking around at the girls and they're like, what? And I'm like, is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay? And they're like, oh yeah, it's shower Saturday. And I was like, my bad. Shower Saturday. Shower Saturday. I like shower Saturday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's porn dudes in Austin. There's a porn studio in Austin called, uh, hold on, Chaos Men. And they're based out of Austin. Get some go-go boys in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like clip your toenails, brush your teeth, you know. Look at this point, you get what you get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, yes, there have definitely been smells for human, you know, there have been moments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I was actually at the gym the other day and I was like, who's eating sauerkraut? And I was like, that's me. Yeah. It was, I was like, oh god, I'm stinky. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you know, I'm not having woman soup, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had woman soup and it's, you know, it's just like putting your dick in a wet hamburger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did have a girl in school who had the worst BO I've ever encountered in my life. It's unexplainable. It was almost like, it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dry vomit, but covered up with like a Britney Spears perfume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I, I, I don't get, no, no, no, I'm not into shit. I'm not into shit. I, I, but I can get, there's one that I can't get into. Ugh, I can't get into fisting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't get it. I don't get it either. It terrifies me. It should. I don't know what, like especially when it's like, like I have long arms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've gone on Pornhub and I've seen just like shoulder deep and I'm like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, I've questioned this a lot, cause I'm not a bear. No. I'm not an otter, cause I'm very hairy. I have no, no chest hair whatsoever. But explain what an otter is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Twinks are cool around. Like Zach Efron in High School Musical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm a- I think I'm a- a t-twunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm a old twink. An older- Like a hunky twink. A twink. Oh, that's good! Bro, you wanna see some wild shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know, I don't even know what it looked like. It looked like a, like, like a bag, like a bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw, uhm, darkness is what I saw. Oh, I can't, I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's also very, uhm, that's like old school. Yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would support him in his decisions. I don't even know him and I'm doing it. This is the lane I've chosen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd want to be his friend. Hey, whatever gets you off, whatever, you know, I have, I have some of my best friends are my friends. My, my good guy friends make fun of me because I can talk the talk, but when


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something actually happens, I turn into like Blanche Devereaux, and I'm just like, oh my, like I turn into this like weird southern belle, where I just get very shy and bashful about sex. Really? I do, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shove a Ouija board at my ass. I'm like, no, we're not going to do that. Maybe you need a police officer, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I didn't date anybody for a whole year. I did not do anything with anybody for a whole year. I know, every- I feel like we did that drive-in show a couple times, and you were like, are you okay, Justin? I'm like, oh, it's a dry spell, mommy. And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my favorite, favorite, favorite bars, uhm, closed down this year, which was sad. Which one? It was called the Gold Coast, which is legendary. It's been around for like 39 years. Oh no. It was right on the, right on the, uh, right on Santa Monica Boulevard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, pitchers of beer, had a jukebox, there was a pool table, you could play darts, and every time like I would go to the store,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, and everyone's walking around just like, you know, with their cheeks and their lips and their whole face is done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are you? Who do you know? Like it was, it was just like regular hang. Yeah. We could just sit at the bar and like catch up and, and that's done and it's gone. I know. So many places, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putting their toes back in, like it's, it's funny because like I've been, I've been on a couple like dating apps just to kind of just test the waters and see, but like, um, that's like the first question that comes up and that's actually in someone's bio now. It's like fully vaxxed and like, I'm a vaxxed queen and you're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people do, yeaah. This must be great! I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I, I, I wish, let me see if I have, what does my bio say on something? What do you want, grinder? Do you want a grinder?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see here, I'll turn the volume on to see if anyone chimes in and how long it takes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, edit profile, about me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me a, give me a, uh, an adjective and a noun. Okay. Grinder mad libs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna see my profile? Yea. See, this is weird cause I'm never on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, see I don't know if I- well no. I'm ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Collarbone maybe? Yeah, it's something up here, yeah. That's a great scream though. That's a horrible. That's a horrible. And that's what sucks too, it's like, it was probably like a wet leaf. Yeah. And he just slid right off the incline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, see here's the thing. Anonymous. Ohhh. He's an egg. I don't have time for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then bottom host now, 26.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's like a th- I don't know what- Do you respect that? I don't respect that. There's a whole thing of like torso culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The face. The face. Like if you're coming over, or like I'm coming over there. What do you look like? Yeah, yeah. But there's people who are like, I don't care what you look like, door's unlocked. Like, jeezus. Dungeon. Dungeon shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many likes did that have? Do we know? It's like 8,000 likes for this guy jumping around. I put something up and it's like four. I'm like, Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, they don't have gay friends, or they don't believe in it. Yeah. So if you don't believe in gay... stuff...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like this is that worm from Labyrinth that grew up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're not worthy, meanwhile wearing like a jeweled pentagram around his neck. Very, very, very high forehead. That's like an eight head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very high forehead, uhm, and very, you know, angular, alien-esque frame. There is no way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you how- Oh, he really does! Yea, I did a deep dive. Do you know how exhausting this man would be? Oh, he's an energy vampire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, keep the beard. Beards are in. Yea, beards are in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you want to, and this is not pressure to do that, you could trim it a little bit, but just a little bit. But it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, that's no, cause then if you're a guy, you're just setting him up for, you know, that's his guys will, his friends will never let him down on that one. On butt implants? I mean, she's out of her fucking mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there guys with blood implants? There's- Yes, there- I mean, yes, there are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just do some glutes, do some squats bro. Yeah, that's it. Okay. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, yes. But it's also like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've posted a couple videos, I think I've posted a couple TikToks actually, uhm, with people doing drugs, or, you know, they're clearly fucked up and on shit, and people are like, this isn't funny, and I'm like, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of, I mean if you're- It's hilarious, it's not funny, it's hilarious. If I saw that in a restaurant, I'm still waiting, like I see all these like Karen explosions on TikTok and I'm like, I'm like ready, I'm like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's terrible. She, like, she works at a haunted house when it's not Halloween. That's right. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any time coming up soon, I don't know. Where can people find you? You can find me on Instagram at Justin Martindale and you can find me on Twitter at JustMartindale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have a crush on a girl and she has a boyfriend and you really like her, the right thing for you to do is to make her cheat on her boyfriend. Make her fall in love with you. That's the right thing to do. Okay. My best friend is someone that I really, really love. This guy is a byproduct of infidelity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have a boyfriend and I don't want it and if I want one I could have four or five of them if I want. But I don't want to associate with nobody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in San Francisco there were like clubs where a guy would just. I swear you are really fired up about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do lots of isometrics, resistance training, pushing and pulling, pushing and pulling all the time, pushing and pulling with your arms and your legs and push, push, lots of stretching, lots of stretching the back to the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Gallagher, Gallagher's brother that does the same gag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just say the words. Boomer got the Vax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like a combination right now of the three people I jerk off to the most of my life. Dolly Parton, Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman, and Tekashi 6ix9ine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can cook for you, clean up your house. When you come home, baby, you just gotta jump in the tub with all them bubbles. Once I touch your booty, I'ma make you cry. Ayayay! Guess what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One, one, one tear. One tear. One, one, one tear. One, one, one, one, one, one tear. One tear. One, one, one tear. One tear. One, one, one tear. One tear. One, one, one tear.


[User] Please transcribe this text


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I've had the same level of excitement this month and all other months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know my phone number, uh, I know my home number from growing up and that's pretty much it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knows some phone people, he's talking to big phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a big one. How often, I don't think, on a scale of 1 to 10, how many times do you hear that in a day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He grabbed something, I think he just pocketed the stink right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You better keep your distance pal. Don't come any closer, because I'll defend myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are you? Where do you live? Who are you? Where do you live? Touch me and go on, I dare you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go on, get away from my face then, there's Covid going away, around. Is there? Yeah. Are you thick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too rough. What's up, tough guy? You're the one that's trying to act tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You come out, bossing me about. What a two hole, that was a big fail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, cause it's better, baby. Yeaah, I think that's the truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's bullshit. People don't even talk shit out there. Hand is bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we took a break. That's what happened. I got some time off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm still chatting with ladies. Still trying to find the one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it? What is it? It's at c double e underscore l-a-r-s. C Lars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, my queen above 18. Yes, it's time to wake up. Come on. Yes, you are my queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on my queen above eighteen, open them beautiful eyes. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll go down and put your breakfast on. I'll get you some nice hot cup of coffee. You go take your shower and I'll meet you in the kitchen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you too, my queen above eighteen. I will see you in a little bit. Oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you look beautiful. This is another one you gotta see. Alright, I'll talk to you in a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't stop talking. Did he just swallow it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I had a, uh, I had a, also a salad. And I will not be taking it home in a garbage bag this time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think his mom told him to hurry up one time and then that imprint. I kind of forget the exact story but something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much money would you need if to get where just for the rest of your life, you have to shit like that in private and in public? Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This goes out to all the emo girls who think they might be having a bad Christmas. Why don't you just sit on my lap and tell me what you want and I'll give you whatever you need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I'll get that construction going for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ukrainian. Ukrainian. Yeah, uh, Ukrainian girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to ymhstudios.com slash live stream to watch the show now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I actually am. You actually have a Queen Above 18 hoodie. Good morning. From the God himself. Pretty amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by TurboTax. You're unique and so are your taxes. TurboTax Live has experienced tax experts who listen to you, learn about your unique tax situations and answer your questions and on top of all that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can do your taxes from start to finish. Maybe you started investing, you want some reassurance from an expert that you're doing things right. Maybe you're now self-employed, need some expert advice on what qualifies as a home office deduction or maybe


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can answer specific questions, walk you through the process, review your return before you file, or even do it all for you. TurboTax Live gives you confidence that you're uniquely you. Taxes are done right. Into it, TurboTax Live. File with the help of an expert or let an expert file for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happy new year chumos. We are back in studio. I'm half broken, but I'm ready to do the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Negative, uh, testing for the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got the antibodies and we might be immune for a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I actually am. You actually have a Queen Above 18 hoodie. Good morning. From the God himself. That's pretty amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is what the clan, that's the three letters that they kind of, if they want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's, there happens to be one letter K and you're like the clan. That comes to mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back. We're both in studio. I'm not in a hospital. You're not quarantining. It's great to be back here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, well see what I do is, I send a code from here to here, and then it makes the wah a little different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, felt good, felt good. Yeah, it felt like, like a cripple that was, you know, learning to come again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lieutenant Dan probably is like, I want aids. I'm fucking in this chair all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever have an AIDS person come, like, speak at school? All the time, yea. All the time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm talking about like school, like elementary, high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did. They brought a lady with AIDS to talk to us. She was like, I got AIDS. And we were like, oh my God. And she was like, you can't get it like from like looking at me and like had to talk to us about that. And then she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, this was, like now, it's not a death sentence to have HIV, but at the time, when she talked to us, it was. And she was like, yeah, I'm going to die. Cause, uh, like my, you know, T cell count keeps going down and we were like, damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. And you just got that from being a whore?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not the usual stuff. Blood transfusion, yes. Not like, I'm with a bi guy. I'm sure that happened, but that's not like, this is what's the only, you're like, the common thing that happened is that bi men were giving it to their women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, as a woman, you're having fluid put into you. That's why it's harder to, to, like, a straight man is less likely to get it from a woman that's infected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] December fuckin' first. We recorded what was supposed to be our New Year's week show here. We were fuckin' around in the lobby. We were talking bets about whether I could make a nine foot dunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were just like, I was getting ready to do it that night. I remember I talked to Franco Escamilla. He was like, will you do this thing, uh, like for this show I have, like you record yourself in Spanish and we were like talking about what bit I would do. Like I remember all those things from that day, you know, and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what people don't know. We played two on one, Bert and I versus Tristan Jazz, which the video is on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a version of it on his channel, and then there's a version of it, our version of it on the live show, which if you didn't see the live show, it's a rental at ymhstudios.com slash live stream. You can rent it, and you can watch it through the 11th. It's no longer obviously a live event, it's just like a rental there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks, because I had a lot of fun doing it. Uh, I know some people had tech problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We spent a lot of time and a lot of money, uh, preparing for heavy traffic. And I know that's a crazy humble brag. I know, uh, that it is, but it's true. And the heavy traffic, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For some people, people messaged me like, I had no problem, I logged in early, I watched the show live, no problem. Other people had problems. Just know, uh, we've, I apologize. We are continuing to work on it, and the whole goal is to make this experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going back to the show though, like Bert and I just had so much fun. We got to do the basketball stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got to do our porno table reads. Uhm, we had an animal expert in here with snakes and roaches and tarantulas that were crawling on our faces and shit. It was really, really a fun time. Uhm, but back to the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The month. The month, yeaah. So, so like yeaah, and it's December 1, the injury happens and then, god it just throws the month into chaos. What a chaotic, I feel like it's one of those things like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody has their own, their own life story and like things that you remember, you know, that are like traumatic, let's say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure, 20 years from now, if you go like, do you remember that month? I think I'll remember it in detail, like great detail, like how fucked my month was, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ, man, from getting hurt to like the details of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Paramedics, hospitals, doctors, therapy, you know, physical therapy, occupational therapy, uhm, just the little challenges of like putting clothes on and taking a shower and all the little shit that comes with like an injury like this. It's wild. And then on top of that, during the pandemic,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get covid and we get lucky enough where we don't have horrible symptoms. We just like, that's just one of those things where this virus affects different people in different ways and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your symptoms were even more mild than mine, like mine weren't that bad. I thought I had oxy withdrawals because I came off of oxy, right? I'm taking like a hundred and fucking something milligrams a day, right? And then I'm not shitting. And to me, I was like, I'd rather be in pain and shitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, not shitting for days. Like it was, like I hated it. Cause I was having to take, having to get suppositories up my ass to take a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fresh out of surgery, you know. Yeah, and I learned on the live show that Bert, he goes, I love suppositories. And I'm like, what do you mean? He goes, I take them all the time. And I'm like, you put them up, you give them to yourself? He goes, yeah, cause helps like clear me out. I'm like, wait, how often do you do this? He's like every month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said it feels good to him. I was like, mmm, I've had it exactly three times and it was all the week that I was on Oxy's and couldn't shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had three put in by three separate nurses. Uhm, one was a guy, two were ladies, and uhm, each time it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Demoralizing and pretty horrific. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two out of the three times I had to have somebody wipe my ass for me until I had like a little more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just got home and like an hour into this movie or something or maybe the movie is over and I get an email. And by the way, as


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you know, and everybody here, all we do is get, we've been getting tested for months now. You know, we hire people that come here sometimes, sometimes go places, sometimes the mobile unit meets us like when we shot the, like, so we just keep getting test, so we're so used to getting these notifications.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I opened the email, because I had, I had just been tested, but before I left, uh, recovery, right? And I didn't get the result.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because, it's because, yea, that's what we were talking about. I had, so I, when I took myself off of Oxy's, I just did it one day, right? I, I stopped on the 13th, I think it was, and then Monday's the 14th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, uh, they, one of the ladies had told me, she goes, you're probably gonna get bluesy and emotional. And I was like, really? And she goes, yeah, it happens when you get off of Oxy's. That next day, I'm crying about all kinds of shit. Fucking commercials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just crying. Crying all the time. But because she had told me that, I go, that's what it is. You know? Like at least it added up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next day, I feel worse, physically. So I feel physically worse, the day after that I feel even more wiped out, like really wiped out. I have diarrhea, like a few times, I'm real achy, and so I go, this is oxy-withdrawals, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you look at the withdrawal, these are all possible symptoms. So the fourth day, I'm still feeling pretty shitty. I remember that somebody had brought food, like one of the staff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, do you want to try this? And I was like, I can't, like my stomach's all fucked up. And they were like, hmm. And somebody came back and they go, do you want to do like a COVID test? Like, cause like we think you have a bug because they started to tell me like, don't have visitors now because you're, you seem sick. And I was like, but they weren't like, you need a COVID test. They're like, do you want one? And I was like, yeah, let's just rule it out. Got the test, didn't even think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are. And I was like, oh yea, and here's the thing, I was already feeling better. Like the worst days were behind me. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I look at you and I was like, oh shit. I definitely have given it to you now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish that nurse had stayed. Cause she was like, ugh, doing a lot upstairs, I gotta fucking feed you. And I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're very lucky, but here's the thing that has come about from this. You're out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think you can, you're not going to taste or smell anything. What if I lift my leg and you eat my scrum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do a thorough cleaning. Isn't that the answer? Do a thorough cleaning?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really need like to really come up with a real exchange for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you keep saying that? Like, we can get it washed. Like, it'll be washed. You keep going back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can make, like, if you're like, the cleaning man, we just can't deal with the cleaning. Like, we can just get it cleaned. Okay, we'll get it cleaned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just the actual sensation, the feeling, but there's no, there's no video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were going to, uh, we were going to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of lucky, uhm, if you were lucky enough to watch the live show, you saw how I broke my body, and we're gonna show it to you now. Uhm, one of the things, it went, people ripped it so much and put it everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny is that we had prepared, uhm, parody, like funny things to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burt could not. Burt could not. So here is Burt trying to do it. Nine feet. Nope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what I think about right here? I'm so pleased with myself. I'm so happy. And it's probably T minus three minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So thanks for making me watch this. If you don't want to, this would be a good time to like, take your earbuds out or something. Cause we're about to play like a whole bunch of videos of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's gonna be a few, here I'll tell you what's coming up. We're gonna play the real thing, and then we're gonna play some of the parodies. You alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here we go guys. Injury video angle number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what happened there, some people think that there's a slip. They're like, you slipped on software. People are like, I must have been in a wet spot. That's not what happened. It's just that when I planted, so what we did was I dunked on 9, right? This is the part that's like so ridiculous. Is that he couldn't, so it's over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, I don't know who said, like, I think you can get a couple inches more. So they cranked it up to like nine three or nine six or something. And so I go to, I plant off my left foot and my patella tendon snaps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what, that's what's actually happening there. And then my left arm instinctively goes behind me to kind of brace for the fall. You know, just, it's not a thought, it's just an instinct. And then I land on it and it breaks. So this is another angle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Waited at the house, they did everything, and then the next day, he and Lindsay, and Lindsay by the way, Lindsay helped me out so much too, Lindsay took me home, uh, Lindsay helped me get to the doctor and the hospital with Burt, and then Burt waited with me in the ER.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Down. And they're like fucking, I don't know, on 12 foot ceilings or something. And I can't reach them. She can't reach it. I can't stand on a ladder and be like, well, maybe I won't fall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I'll come right over. Yeah. Huge help. Here it is in slow motion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So part of why, not part of, the reason I have this crazy glove on is because that break, the very common thing when you break your humerus is that you bruise or damage your radial nerve. So I got lucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] According to my surgeon, he's like, it's not severed, it's not damaged, it's bruised. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I have this crazy bionic glove on. It helps with the, uh, like some of the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually have, by the way, I have neuropathy issues. You have neuropathy issues? I do. I have neuropathy issues. So, if you want to see me go from a small limp dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna smoke some meth, uh, just tell me if you wanna see it, I'll send you the video. If not, I won't send it to you. But I have neuropathy issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, in my hand. That's amazing. I think, you know what? Every time one of the therapists mentions it, I laugh. And they're like, why are you laughing? So I'll be like, yeah, this hand should be like, yeah, that's a neuropathy issue. And I'll be like, haha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, should I smoke meth? And they're like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just knew, I knew how fucked I was immediately. What did you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, cause I, it happens so fast. It happens so fast. But like, when I pushed off on that left leg, I just, I didn't know I tore my patella tendon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In that brief moment, I knew that something had gone out on my leg. I didn't know if it was ACL or what, but I knew something had gone out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could see that like, you know, I just, you saw the one where I just jumped, and so I knew that like, there was no power, right? Like I pushed off, and instead of going up, I was going down. So I felt the power go out of that push off. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, you know, it felt more like something was wrong than tremendous pain. My arm immediately hurt like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's just because it happens like, you know, snap. It was just that immediately like shock through the arm and my system that like, you're in, this is trauma, you know. So I was just like, oh my god, that hurts so fucking bad. Uhm, so I just, you know, I just held it and I had to just wait. The worst part was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Laying on your side like that, and like having, uh, just being like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys called, right? Like there's somebody, and then I could hear the sirens and I was like, oh fuck yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, yeaah, then, you know, the paramedics, they took care of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm gonna be doing now, man. That's what I'm gonna be doing, man. Your dick head becomes so sensitive. That's what I'm looking forward to. My dick head becomes so sensitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, we did top dot calls, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What episode number is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 5-8-4. We went through some of the big time classics. Uhm, yeaah, but back to that dunk thing, you know, I won.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the live show was the first time in 41 years that anyone has told me that I'm saying a word that I've said a million times incorrectly. I was like, I was thinking about it because these guys were like, you're saying one and not one. And I was like, right? And they're like, you're saying it wrong. And I was like, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was like, how many times, cause I know how I've been saying it that way forever. Yeah. Where I've been like, who won, or we won, I won, and not one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did anybody go, hey, you know, you're saying that wrong. Not once until the live show. That's the first time in my life. I have, you know, I've watched football and I've asked who won a million. No one's ever been like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I said it the way I say it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm not like misrepresenting, you know, I'm saying like, I definitely have said it this way. Not a soul has been like, you know, you're saying that right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. But here's the thing, I will say this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like everybody who said it, like one, I'm like, that guy's a fucking, you know what, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's definitely wrong. And I, as somebody who is ambidextrous, I can tell you that that's definitely wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been taking time. Yeaah. Yeaah. And you were raised by foreigners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I had one foreigner. So maybe that's where I got Juan from. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, uhm, I got a quick question for you. You mispronounce a lot of words. And... I do? Yea, you do. You really do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's definitely wrong. Uhm, what's the name of that actor from Goodfellas and Casino Joe P-E-S-C-I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So uhm, there's so many. Uhm, let me ask you something. There's a word, there's a debate in our office right now on the show. The word is W-O-N. Like if you win and it's in the past, you say what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the guy who keeps mispronouncing things says it the way you guys say it. That's interesting, Your Honor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, right. So, is uhm, is your wife around?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell her we're doing the show, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I have a quick question for you that might help resolve a little argument we're having at the office, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's say you and I play a game, right? A board game. Bridge or whatever. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You beat me. And then you, we go home. Yeah, obviously. And then, and then you, we walk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We go, we go into the kitchen and then you get to say that you beat me, but you say I and then the word W O N. How would you say that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, that's the uhm, that's kind of the point I was looking for, is that, cause they're saying that I say it wrong. They're saying that I say it wrong, cause I say one, and they're saying I should say one. I won the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever said to yourself, I love the fact that I've had the same few pair of sheets since college and I never liked them but I just keep washing them every week or two and putting them back on my bed like it's normal and I'm normal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you're not, and it's not. Okay? Get it together. Stop. Brooklinen can make that voice in your head, and the bad sheets on your bed go away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brooklyn was started by Rich and Vicki who also tried to find beautiful home essentials that didn't cost an arm and a leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when they couldn't, they founded Brooklinen as the first direct to customer betting company. They work directly with manufacturers to make luxury available directly to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without the luxury level markups that Brooklyn has over 50,000 five star reviews and counting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2021, do something nice for yourself to start the new year to help you do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brooklinen has a special offer. Go to Brooklinen.com, use the promo code MOM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't know, it came about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, about a week ago. No, no, that's not what prompted it though. No, Amy posted, uhm, her holding her baby. So that was just really about, a joke about, basically kind of like her body, yea. She's beautiful. She's a yoga instructor, she's got great genetics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and Amy just retweeted it and the joke was that she was saying it was her. You know? But then, uh, a lady online posted, she goes, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty amazing, uh, Hilaria Baldwin's decade long grift of pretending to be Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you know, she's been pretending to be Spanish, which people are like, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then it comes about this, I love this story because as we've discussed, there really is, it is a harmless story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what happened was, the lady found that Alec Baldwin's wife, Hilaria, is actually named Hillary, and she changed her own name, like as an adult, to Hilaria.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes. And like implying that I came from Spain. And then like, so they had, you know, a Spanish wedding and then all the kids names are like super spanish, like Carmen, Lucia, Eduardo,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, like all these very, very, very Spanish names and you're like, okay, what's the Spanish lady? And then the lady pulled clips of Ilaria doing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not only that, but also even going as far as having difficulty with English words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you go, so you heard that clip, and then this is also, uhm, the same person, the same person who was just saying,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could do this. I actually have more credibility.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To do this. And I understand the appeal to a degree. Like, you know, it's sexier, it's cooler to be like exotic, foreign, speaking English with like, cause they're speaking English with a shitty accent and then there's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you speak fluent English with a hint of a Spanish accent, it sounds good. It sounds cool. It's attractive, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I flew back from, I studied in Madrid for a semester and I flew back and the first thing we did was go to a wedding in DC. All the seguras, like my, my, my family, meaning my dad's, all his siblings and their children. So it was like a big thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went, I was in DC, I was in the hotel, I remember I had this like cream colored suit, and I was speaking to my mother in Spanish, and I was correcting her. Because my Spanish had improved to such a degree, I think for six months living there, and hers had


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her's actually, you know, it deteriorates because she's living in the United States. And like, I remember her being like, Jesus, your Spanish is better than mine. Like I remember that, you know, but I wasn't like, ehm, ehm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you say this in English? A microphone. I was just like correcting her. Now, here's something that does happen if you're immersed in another language and culture for an extended period of time. You do do things like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, dream in that language, like I, by the end of my semester, I was dreaming in Spanish, instinctively answering the phone in Spanish. You know what I mean? Like I, I wasn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was fully immersed. So sure, like, you know, coming off the plane, my brain was probably operating more in Spanish than in English. Yeah, for sure you were in it. I was fully in it. I mean, I'm writing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm at University of Madrid writing term papers, you know, like all your conversations. I'm living with an old lady who doesn't speak English, like you're really, really in it. I understand like if in that moment, but if you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You live in the United States, and you're, you're like, I have the, me, uh, uh, how do you say it? Hand? I have hands. Like that does not happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it is? It's the also, like you've heard these stories where uhm, a person pretends to be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wants to meet exotic and special and she probably knows that it makes her husbands dick hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in 30 Rock, Salma Hayek had a three to six episode run. This was the theory that people were throwing online. And that he was, at the time, single and smitten with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He thought she was the best. He bought her like a couture gown that she wore to some event. She was like, Alec bought me these for doing like five episodes. And so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and then he met her shortly thereafter and people were like, she knew that he was into her. It's a theory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel bad, I actually feel bad for her. Not badly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want her to get horrifically shamed. I don't either. I just think it's kind of, it's actually endlessly fascinating and hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About uhm, that I feel bad for is, and no one's really talking about, when a regular citizen


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go, I'm married to this person now, and you cultivate your own personality. Oh, that's interesting, like what's special about me? About me, cause everybody wants to talk about this guy that I'm around all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, you know, my personality, what's my identity? I speak Spanish, I spend time in Spain, and I see it kind of coming from that, you know? This is an explanation about the mixing up words and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you say, how do you say, cucumber? I did it, you did it? Is that what happened there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, same thing for me by the way. I was like, my mom's from Peru and they're like, like the little fucking Indian people and you're like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like a bunch of everybody kind of identifies. I went to a small school when you have, um, foreign parents. So there's like kind of like the foreign parents crew, right? So there's like, I mean, you just knew that like this kid's parents are from China, India, there was Persian parents. Then I had a friend who was, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her mother was from Cuba, her dad was Dominican, then there was that Argentine kid, and I was like, Argentina is definitely cool, sexier. That's cool, yea. You know what I mean? French, when the people are like, they're French. That's the coolest! That's like, kind of the best. Italian? I wish I was Italian. Were your parents from Paris? Yea, that's fucking rad, you know? Yea. I was like, everyone I told, they were like, oh Machu Picchu, huh? Was your mom an Inca? And you're like, yea, thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, take it easy on Ilaria. Let her live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we gotta switch now to, we jumped over the injury parodies. This is all the, all the joke stuff. There's been amazing memes. If you go to my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Instagram, I, I posted some, like, screen grabs of some of the amazing stuff people have done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the memes have been out of control. The videos. I can't, I can't open social media without seeing this injury a thousand times. Like I'm tagged obviously in everything everybody makes of it. Some of it's really funny. Uh, so here's, uh, this was Mr. Clavicles made this one. He's been doing a ton of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're listening, all that audio was over the Asian garage car guy. Jesus Christ. Uhm, here's another one. Did we make? I don't know which ones we made. The rest of these we made. We did? Okay, here's another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was great. That's a great one. Here's another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same, different angle. Uh, here's the crane fall guy.


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[Assistant] So, I thought that guy was fine. That fell right there. He's not.


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[Assistant] I still don't understand how he got, I don't understand how he got hit by a blade.


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[Assistant] I don't see, like, it doesn't seem like the blade, is there like a front rotor on that thing? Like, how is that blade hitting him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that guy was like a beloved guy. He ran a tequila company and he's totally dead now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and then there's one more. This one you can watch, I promise. Ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, the memes, the videos, like I said, I screen grabbed a few, I put them on my Instagram, through the NBA 2K one, the Iverson one, the Stand By Me one, the Jurassic Park one, so funny, so so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see here. There's so many things here. This says horrible or hilarious.


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[Assistant] That was fuckin' really cool. It was really cool. It actually had us thinking because when we saw it came in, I got super jealous and we were talking with the staff like, man, you know, it's not fair. Christina's got a cool Queen Above 18 thing. Kind of when it made us go down memory lane of like the kings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, stuff. Like those videos, like learning about him. Because we first learned about him just as a boob guy.


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[Assistant] You know, a lot of people don't remember, it's evolved. Like this is how we actually first came to know this guy.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you something? In my opinion, that's the best video he's made.


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[Assistant] That's what this video is. This was actually what I was saying I think a week or so ago.


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[Assistant] Or last time I recorded with you about how like, that's the video he should be putting out.


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[Assistant] Now it is cool to see, you see the original, and then now you get to see the finished product.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you can see how the concept evolved. You see the idea, yeaah. I also, I'm like, she seems so happy. I wonder if she loves the queen, the king.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause she also was willing to like model the shirt for him.


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[Assistant] So you're, yeah, you're totally right that they've started off like, like boobs, nice, hey, keep those videos coming, and then he's like, hey, hey, hey, who's over 18?


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[Assistant] I prefer way above 18. And if you're gonna send me nice pics of you with your boobs just hanging, be above fucking 28, you know? 28? Go above that.


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[Assistant] Wouldn't it be crazy if that's who you ended up with though? No, I don't mean like, instead of me, I mean after me. What if...


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[Assistant] You're like. You pass? No, you're just like, I'm, I'm, I wanna see what else is out there. And I'm like, what? And then I just don't see you for like a few months. And then you just pop up and you're like, hey, I'm living with my new husband now.


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[Assistant] And you're like, yeah, I went out with him and turns out he was great. And so now I live with him. I live in Ohio.


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[Assistant] You want to take out on a date, all of a sudden, the king challenge went away.


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[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. Go to a show. You know, maybe in the summer. Right? Things get better.


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[Assistant] I think you'll take it to dinner. If one thing leads to another, I mean, I don't know.


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[Assistant] I don't know if like the next morning you're gonna be getting this front and center.


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[Assistant] This is the night after your day. Catch your flight, Christine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you want to send in your own, email it to yourmomspodcast at gmail.com, no house, yourmomspodcast at gmail.com. Subject line should be POVKing. So that we can easily find it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, people have been so funny, they've been asking about, uhm, injury merch and suggesting stuff, and I'm like, I don't know if you've seen what we have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if you go to store.ymhstudios.com, we have some pretty epic new merch. That was designed by Johnny Pemberton. So funny. It's the Air Segura logo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a broken arm and broken leg. It's uhm, it's a hot item. It's great. People are really, really liking it. Johnny Hammerton. If you go back there, uhm, there's that. That was designed by uh, Cam, canvas design. He did the Two Bears One Cave official logo of me falling in the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I love it. That one's fantastic. And then the, I love the caricature one to the left there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one, because that's like a t-shirt that used to be really popular in the 90s. It'd be like NBA players and they'd always have like a shit-eating grin on. Like they'd be like dunking with like a cra- and they'd do like a little caricature. So it says dunk champ and I'm in a wheelchair with a big grin. Anyways, all those are at the store. The store has...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, things broken down from, oh yeaah, there's a photo of me on the...


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[Assistant] Uhm, broken down into, uh, different shows and, and, uh, you can see all the, all the stuff there. It's a new site, ymhstudios.com. The store is stored at ymhstudios.com. Any hoodles. Back to this. We actually have, uh, you know who we lost?


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[Assistant] Your glasses are right there. You go ahead, you read it. No, you read it. You read it. That's right, your glasses are right there. It should be read by a woman. This is her speaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a cycle. It's a cycle and then he's like deeply immersed in his like kinks and that whole BDSM world that he's very into and then I think he gets shamed, goes away, withdraws, comes back.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at my shiny bald head. It didn't have to be this way, but I don't think hems was around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I started thinning, if you notice that you're thinning, the time to act is now. Don't wait until you're too bald and you have to buzz your head with a one guard every week or two, like I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to 4himms.com, the one stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. It's time to write a new chapter, one in which you have hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hymns was created by a guy who knows some men's health conversations are easier online than in person. No more awkward in-person doctor visits or long pharmacy lines. 4 Hymns connects you to licensed medical professionals online, which can save you hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today Hymns is giving you their best offer yet. If you're not happy with your results after 90 days, Hymns will give you a full refund. Right now our listeners can get their first visit absolutely free. Go to 4Hymns.com slash mom. That's 4Hymns.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prescription products require an online consultation with a health care provider. We'll determine if a prescription is appropriate. Prescriptions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Remember, that's ForHims.com slash mom. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been watching the new season of 90 Day Fiance. Oh my god. That's a can't miss show. This is a really good season. Season to season it changes. Sometimes you get, you know, good couples, sometimes, this is really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right away for some of these, you know? Right away. Uhm, it's just...


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[Assistant] He put her on like, shittier flights. Because they were cheaper.


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[Assistant] Right away I was like, this dude, how could you not understand that someone's tired?


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[Assistant] You don't wanna take that for a ride? Right. I mean, I was watching the show, like, you're gonna fuck her right now, right? Right!


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[Assistant] They should, the next scene should be him opening his front door being like, I'm outta cum. I have none left.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's the thing. He's just one. And then the next day, so she's like, alright, he's like, let's go to Bourbon Street.


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[Assistant] And he walks her down Bourbon Street, like in the middle of the day, drinking. And he's like, and it's awesome, you can drink everywhere here.


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[Assistant] She's like, it smells here. If you've been to Bourbon Street, you know that's true, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bourbon Street is for partying. It's like a smaller Vegas strip.


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[Assistant] That you can just walk down, it's just packed with people. It smells like piss and puke. You're lucky if it's not a hot day. I mean, it's just what it is. It's like, it's like a Key West. You walk around, you're like, this is fucking just, people are just drinking, drinking, puking and pissing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's like a time and a place for like that if you want it. I did a New Year's there, uh, God, like 2002 I spent New Year in New Orleans and on Bourbon Street. I mean, it's chaotic. It felt like, you know, it's what you do when you're 22, I guess, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he was like, I wanna show you something. And then she was like, this sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's, he's like, he's really defensive, so anything, like if she's like, this is gross, he's like, better than your fucking country. Yeah, that was great. God, this is not gonna work.