[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This man is not eating in a restaurant. This is a grocery store in LA that has a patio area outside. If you are a fat fucking pig and you can't wait to get to your house or eat in your car like a civilized person, you fucking eat in the parking lot like an animal and that's what this guy did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, it's fucking hot, it's, like, you don't do it unless you're desperate to eat. In my opinion, that's the only time I've ever done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's, so I asked for clarification. I go, wait, what dude? And he goes, you were idling for so long and it was so loud. We can't enjoy our lunch. And I go, and I start to snap in like something fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I start, stop being, I stopped taking the high road in my head, right? I'm like, Oh, this guy is out of his fucking mind. Like you're coming at me, bro. And I start to go like, you're, you're actually mad at me because I idle too long. And then I started to defend myself and I go, I sent a fucking text message to my friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was it. It was like maybe a two minute idle, sir. And he's like, well, it took forever. It took so long and your car is so loud. And he repeated himself, I'm trying to eat my lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cars make noise. Cars live outside. Yea, you fuck. And then all of a sudden...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My crazy mom brain. Not, not meaning mom brain. My mother. I fucking channel her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's something came in over me and genetics, biologics took over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Tom, I've never said the right thing. I've never had a good public fight, but today was my day. So he's, he keeps saying it. He goes, he goes, I was trying to have my lunch in your car was too loud. And I, you know what I said? I go, yeah. Well, I hope it's your last lunch, you old piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's like, woah yeah, and he keeps yelling at me, and then I just start walk away, I'm like, I hope it's your last lunch, I hope you fucking die. And I walk away, and I'm so shaking and vibrating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I get inside, yea, but hold on, but hold on, so, so hold on, so I'm fucking talking to myself, I'm muttering to myself cause I'm so keyed up that I, I got a zinger in, number one, and I'm having a confrontation with some fucking weird guy in a parking lot, so I'm all like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm muttering, I'm like, motherfucker, fuck you, you fucking, you're fucking too loud. Like I'm talking to myself, and this woman fucking sees me talking to myself, and I go, I'm sorry, I'm talking to myself, I just fought with a man in a parking lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so it gets even crazier. So I'm now walking through the grocery store. I get my items. I'm talking myself down because I'm very amped up and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, okay, what do I, like, okay, this is done, just fucking put it past you, like you were having a rad day, just go back, go back, just fucking shake it off, like Taylor Swift, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I fucking look outside and he's still there. He's still eating lunch in the goddamn parking lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, fuck, now I have to re-confront this man, because my car is still parked, he's still sitting there, I have to have another fucking confrontation with this man. So at this point I'm thinking like, I gotta show Tom this guy. So I snap a picture of him, and I also, there he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, piece of shit. Look at, he, it's not even a fucking window, that's a piece of tarp plastic that they put so animals like him can eat in the parking lot without dust blowing up. Show the other picture of this animal, this demon goblin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, shit, I have to see this guy again. So then I say to myself, I says, Christine, you're gonna walk to the car with your head up high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? And I said, I talked to myself, I go, you're gonna walk your, fuck this guy if he comes up to you again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm still a woman, and I'm still a man. He can fucking kill me. I mean, I know he's old as shit and he's gonna die, but like, he can still harm me. So I'm like, just walk up, act like nothing's happening, you're proud of yourself, you didn't do anything wrong, you stood up for yourself, you get in the car, and you get out of here. So I walk proudly to our car, I open the door, I start the engine, and you know what I said to myself? I said, self, fuck this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck him, you are your mother's daughter. You're gonna give it a little fuckin' extra sauce before you leave the park.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he's really pissed off. He's standing. And I'm backing out and I was like, okay, Christina, just back out. Don't hit anybody. Don't, don't fuck yourself now bitch. Like you're almost out. So I back out successfully. I'm like, I'm shaking cause I'm so stoked to fuck with him again. And then I'm pulling up and I'm like shaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look, I get it in the world, like, he's just looking to dispense a negative energy, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a good grocery store, by the way. He can afford a better... whatever, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, you can see the cars there. Yea, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks man. Thanks man. Very proud of you. And I'm proud that you used to love me cause I was like afraid. Yea, you were very afraid. Oh my god, he's gonna think I'm, I'm always so afraid that you'll think I'm crazy like my mom or something. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's our special bond. Alright, thanks babe. We gotta wrap it up. I love you Tom, you're the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe y'all said yes to that. I was just top of my head like, what's something for you to actually try? I'm like, I'd like my hair back, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so it's been quite a journey. It's been, I wanna say, close to a month and some change since, like, the gauntlet was thrown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that kind of froze me up for like a week of just like, oh, this person's an idiot. Don't fucking- their plan is wrong. Do my- Listen to me. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now I've like, uh, uh, now I'm like listening to one person in particular, uhm, the nutritionist that, uh, that Ryan, uh, hooked me up with or directed me to. And, uh, what's your eating like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm cooking every single meal, um, or like, and if I can't eat, then it's like, oh, okay, well, I'm just getting something that's just high in protein and no carbs and stuff like that, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, when I first started, I think I said, oh, I'm close to my heaviest, I'm 260. I was way fatter than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, when I went to my doctor the initial time, I was just like, hey, that scale is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so like I was talking to Mark Bell and like he was giving me a routine before I started like, uh, uh, going heavy training with Sean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and so he was like, oh, okay, well, start with going on like 30 minutes, 60 minute walks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The two days, I mean look, I've already thrown out my back twice in this process, but it's like you just get a quick bow to the spine and you're good to go like within a day or two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's, well, like I've also seen some things and something really resonated with me. It's, would you rather be in pain doing nothing or be in pain doing something? And the second, I prefer the second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and so, uh, and so yeaah, and so the first week Mark was like, oh yeaah, you should like, just do some light jogging, just introduce it. Immediately both my calves cramped up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm going for 45 minute walks an hour, uhm, around my neighborhood, sometimes treadmill if it's too hot, but I mean, honestly, once you get going in this 100 degree weather, like, it all feels the same, right? You're going so fast, the breeze hitting your face just feels nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I have to because like right now I've noticed that my biggest, uh, my biggest bottleneck is my calves. What'll happen is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, but eh, it's fun, it's like, now it's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then that'll, I don't know, sorry, I'm taking 25 units twice a week. 25 units twice a week, and then we're adjusting that after a month. And then on the Minjaro too, which is also very interesting to see how that works. What's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Manjaro's kinda like, uh, it's, it's like, it's like Ozempic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, I really need to stuff this. Like, Fat Nadav was like, Bro, we fu- Fat Andrew Nadav was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's interesting you say that, yeaah, I saw a thing that they shit themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm cool with Oregon failure. I do not want to shoot myself in the middle of that marathon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think, I think it's because it's like he's, it's educational.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You may be not able to fit all the places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know a lot of the plus size community worries about like toilets that don't have a stand at the bottom that are kind of just like hanging on the wall. There's like beach loungers, like the plastic ones that like bend super easily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a DM last night from this guy, 28 years old. He feels he's good looking. Goes to the gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, feels his girlfriend's ghosting him a little bit, so he feels maybe she's cheating. Well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It ain't like the old days. Yeaah. With women. They're all cheaters. And it's okay. But if a man cheats, we're no good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if it were me, I would be a man and get in front of this. And sleep with her best friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm about to expose one of my biggest insecurities. For the last 16 years I've been wearing butt pads. I wasn't blessed with junk in the trunk, so I'm here today to see about getting some. I'm not talking Kim Kardashian size, I just want enough that's gonna fit the scale and proportions of my body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dr. Richard said I do have one good thing going for me. That's being flat and flabby, so it'll be easy to fill it up and make it nice and perky. I always ask a lot of questions and do my own research, as anyone should. Dr. Richard's explained why you would never use silicone for a procedure like this. That's because silicone will migrate and it won't hold its shape. Instead, you use hyaluronic acid. It's a much thicker compound that will hold its shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me do some TikToks. Let's just call her sorbet palette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't we do some TikToks? Let's just call her sorbet palette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I figured out as I've grown up, I don't have any attraction to any other gender than female.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But actually as I lost my vision, it's transitioned into other senses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This doesn't have to be in face-to-face interaction. I remember when I first got with my current girlfriend, Natalie, when we were talking online before university, I thought, I love the way we're messaging, I love the way we're interacting, and I was instantly attracted to her, even without meeting her, hearing her voice, smelling her, knowing what her skin's like, anything like that, which is kind of cool when you think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pain is in a good mood. What else? You know I'm in a really good mood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I know that when you're, when you're jamming, uhm, like when you have your certain music on, that you're having a good day, you're in a good mood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like your gay shit that you like, uhm, you know, like your goth gay shit. Like I hear like, sad shit. I'm like, oh, she's in a good mood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I hear in my head, uhm, for the, when I picture the basketball game that uhm, Eni and Ryan play, like I just, in my head that's Eni's inner dialogue. Is it? Eni?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Benny, we already even discussed that I was your coach that game, and why would I want you to lose?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but I mean, like, look, I celebrate your victories, and I, the only thing that I find funny about, like, arm wrestling and shit is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? And then sometimes you come through. Bert's kind of the same way. He's the same type of personality. He has crazy confidence on things. Sometimes he surprises you and you're going, god damn, that was impressive. And sometimes he falls flat on his face. They both elicit a reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I'm gonna laugh when he falls, but I'm also going to applaud when he, when he perseveres and like, and, and comes through. So the same thing goes for you. Like I knew you were going to lose arm wrestling and it was funny and that, and like you didn't listen to lose. You know what I mean? Like it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, like, I don't, I don't see why you are like, why do you want, like, I think you want me to, I don't want you to lose the battle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because like, here's why I don't want you to lose. You are the underdog. That's why I don't want you to lose. You are the underdog. Playing basketball is a skill set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you really haven't played the way you say you haven't played, and he really has played the way he says he has played,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the skill set is not one you can make up in a month. So he is just by the nature of how these things go, the more skilled player. Regardless of his age or health, he is more, he's, he's shot a basketball thousands of more times than you. So he's by, by just by default, he's the favorite player.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you are the underdog. And that's why I'm like, I want to help in any way I can to, you know, for you to win. I want you to win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or anywhere else. Or I'll call your sponsor myself. I have your sponsor. I have Jake's number right here. I'll call him right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's not, okay, what's non-classical gambling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For people that don't know, we had the last studio soundproofed, and I, I go, I told him that, I'm like, hey, you're in charge, get this, like, get quotes. So I show up later, I'm like, how'd it go? And he goes, I don't think so. And I go, why? He goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my tribe showed up and I go, look, we just need it. He goes, I don't, I think we should just hire whoever else we get. I'm like, what's the quote? And the quote was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like $13,000 or something. You know, it was a lot of money, but I was like, well, I think we might have to spend that to do this correctly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, call him tomorrow and like, tell him like, let's, let's lock this in. And he's like, are you sure? I'm like, yeah, we need to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, did you call me? He goes, yeah. And he said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said it was 16. I go, I thought you said it was 13 yesterday. And he goes, yeah, I know with how this goes. So then I'm like, we'll call him back. He called him back and he goes, yeah, he said it's 20 now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking A, man. Where is this when I need it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't know. He's like, oh someone's asking me a question today? This is fun. Like yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well you know what it really does, can I tell you something about deep dark secrets? This is the truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't go, he didn't go like this either. He was just like, what's that? Ah, fuck my suit. Play it again, let's see it. It's like, yea, he had a hoagie for lunch, he had some chips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lady, the funny thing is that you know that that lady recording is like right now like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can like, hear it. It's like, she's off camera and she's like, because his face changes too. He's like, I fucked my sister. And then, she's probably like, huh? And he's like, oh, is that a weird story?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I wish he would, I really wish he would have said age. What age this happened at, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks a lot for that helpful ending.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what, you know, the funny thing is, I mean, it's sad that this happened. I do think it's fucking crazy. Um, cause we've all seen, I was into watching chiropractic videos. I found it, um, soothing, right? To see them like, prep the body and then do the adjustment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I have always been like, holy shit, especially when they do spinal and neck, neck stuff especially. When you see a neck adjustment, you're like, how do you do that without hurting the person? And obviously, you know, there's different levels of training and I'm sure,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's people who are really proficient at what they do in that field, but it still is kind of alarming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was, I actually think if you look it was less than that. I really do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? That's the happiest I was in two weeks when I was sent that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And wink. You turned away when I winked at you today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're stepping over the most important part. We keep you on the stack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There'd be a lot of costs that would keep, like, that would be associated with keeping you and I would pay them just so I could see that face every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just like, I don't know, like throw a bowl of chili on your lap. You can't even feel it anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Hey, whatever happened by the way, speaking of everything, uhm, whatever happened to the J-Mobile?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we are joined now by our guest. You can see his new YouTube special, Hair Plugs and Heartache. Give it up for Matteo the Body Lane, everybody. Let him hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. That's one of the great clubs in America, man. Yeah, that's like my home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very, it's very shareable too. That's the thing about YouTube is that it's uhm, you know, nobody goes like, how do I get, everybody knows what it is. Right. And it's very easy to go to send a link to someone, watch this. That's very easy to do. All you need to do with YouTube is have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have the material be there, be strong, and also don't forget to not just have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hour special up, but chop that up because people consume two and three minute clips, like just so much that that's how a lot of people go, what is this? Is that they'll, they won't, they, a lot of some people will see an hour and go, I'm not watching this hour, but they start watching the clips and then they go, oh, okay, I'll watch this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hair plugs are a conversation we've been having here quite a bit. Not just, I mean, I've kind of, I don't know, I have this thing where my, my head shape is, uhm, like it lends itself to head shape, so I've kind of been like, I've, and even when I had hair, I always had like buzz cuts. I just, I don't think I'm going to make the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the, what's the procedure like? Cause I've never, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in that, in those 10 hours they're taking, like, hair follicles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why it takes so long. That's why it's so long, the tedious work of... And then, do you, when you become alert, and let's say whatever wears off, are you in great pain?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I also think it's not just like a personal personality thing of yours. I think it's ingrained in like, comedians. Yes. That like, if you do something like that, you go like, I'm just telling people. And then it just, I don't know, it like, it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It takes away that whole like, is someone gonna say something? Are they gonna know my secret? You just kinda let it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I should probably get it out. Look at my lower bluffs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so how was the trip down there? Isn't Mexico City wild? I loved it. I was just there. I loved it too. Yeaah. I thought it was the coolest city. I mean, I didn't realize what an epic city was right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. I love Italian culture, food, language, all of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, yeaah, it is similar, yeaah. I mean, they're, you know, they're a warm people too, I like them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a washlet, a total washlet at the house. So like any time I go to the bathroom, I get spray cleaned with warm water, high pressure, so everything's clean down there. I have wipes. What do you mean no? Why are you shaking your head no? You know it's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if I did that, what's the next complaint? You're always gonna have a new complaint. What's the next complaint?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, so this is something that we're so excited to tell you. This literally happened last week. Okay. We uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have the great guy who's considering, uh, the hair transplant. Yes. He reports to us on what is CAP, you know, what is bullshit, what people are lying about. Right. He has a lot of theories, interesting, uhm, ideas. And one of the things that he brought up is that ED, erectile dysfunction, is CAP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, excuse me, like, I don't have the problem, like, I'm fortunate in that I don't suffer from this, but I go, I know that this is an issue, that people can either suffer, you know, physically can lead to it, mentally. They go, no, no, no. If you have ED, it's just because you're gay. It's because you're gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you tell these ladies though that, I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it a different type? Oh, okay. So it's a total different personality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know where Eni is going. I know where he's going too. And yo, like, check this shit out though. What happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought he was gonna say some, like, wild, not okay-ish shit, but I just didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the, uh, the cyst that grows after you fuck your family members.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever, since you live in New York, you're involved in the gay community. Have you ever...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got, he's got a lot of like, tchotchkes and like, of course he does. He's a gay man of a certain age in the West Village. He likes cake. He has a lot of cakes at the house. Uh, excuse me, the apartment. Uhm, Wagner houses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. Adorable. And then how long do you, how, what's the path like for somebody that goes, I want to pursue opera, you know? Like how do you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great. And uhm, so was the house like a really like Italian household?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And was your house, uh, growing up, uhm, like a, was it a big family? Did you grow up in a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funny thing, no, they poured beer, they poured beer down my pants. Really? Yeah, yeah, so they poured beer down my pants, and then they go, uh, I did the, you know, I was like, okay, I do the bit with them, and then they're like, they're like, cut, and they go, uh, can you do like a bigger reaction? And I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, cause I did like a, you know, oh my god, and they were like, no, go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ohhhh! They're like, that's what the audience wants to see. And I was like, sure. So I did like a comically ridiculous overreaction and they were like, perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what, one of my, we did a, a while ago, but we one time highlighted, I thought it was so funny. It was some regular, just Italian talk show, and when,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like how you would be in the states where the host was behind a desk and the guest was sitting on the, you know, the couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when they would come back from commercial, the camera would start on her legs and just go up like this. And then when they would, when she would talk, she's like answering, ah, then the camera would go down sometimes and show her legs again. I was like, that is so fucking perfect that they're like, she's hot. Look at her legs, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, he's probably like, on the, whose computer is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this says, this does say most members between 14 and 16, so some of them might, it might be a little, but 14 is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever have, cause you said when you'd go to the bars, the uh, you said like the full, you know, spectrum of gay there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is good. It also used to be, I remember when anybody would, whether it's in real life or in celebrity world was like, I'm gay. Everyone would be like, huh? Right. And then now someone's gay. They're like, okay. You're like no one bats an eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I thought you meant the owner of the Las Vegas Raiders. Yes. Do you know who that is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he has hair. That's interesting. He actually has hair. He just chooses that style. It's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard a story from somebody who goes, he knows that everybody talks shit about his hair. And this is a real like, what is it, don't, don't cut your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See how that jacket doesn't fit correctly? That is kind of ridiculous. See how it's like, it's not tailored. It's like hanging halfway down his hand. That's crazy. That's crazier to me than his hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, hold on, I gotta show you one thing. This is my, one of my favorite clips of all time and he's a gay man and he's older and he's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he's a, like, video, what's it called, like, uh, skyping, you know, like with another guy. And so it's only one side of it, but I just love his game. Like, you know, when like someone just spits tight game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude is just, it's every day he's posting this shit over and over where he's like, hey, I'm a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is such a, this is such a vicious thing that has exploded in popularity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's, it's gotten, I think this is already involved. Yeah, this is already huge. And this people are, they're, you know, the fact that you don't get to like dot, like it's just stand there and take a shot. It's, it's crazy to do to your brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that a Beyonce lyric? I mean, she's really proud of that one, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh listen, it's happening again. Uh, Mateo Lane's new YouTube special, Hair Plugs and Heartache, is available now. You can get tickets to see him at MateolaneComedy.com. Mateo, The Body Lane, thank you for coming in today. Thank you, Mateo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was so much fun and we'll bring you back, hopefully watch more horrifying stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we're just kindred spirits. There was, I mean, but like, I'm not doing the classical gambling anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I saw how dark the backyard was, I was like, ooh, what's the over under that he trips on the way back? And then Annie was just like, I got 20 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, hey excuse me, uh, can I get this roll of Kodak film?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they go, yeah, that's, that's $15. And I go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I mean, I only have ten dollars in my pocket. He goes, oh, okay, for sure, it's twenty dollars. Oh, so because you tried to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have two sisters and a mother and I will be gay for that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause, uh, for people that don't know at home, uh, me, Tom, and Zolo have a group text.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where Tom just sends us videos of people dying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, out of people dying, Tom all of a sudden sends this chiropractor video that doesn't kind of really fall in line with anything else that he sent. I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for the most part I'm with people and I start laughing and saying, oh my god, when I get them, and they're like, what? I'm like, hey, show me, let me show you what my boss just sent me. And then it just kinda changes the tone of the night. Because everyone, it's very upsetting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, Tom, cause Tom just likes, he's not setting these cause they're cool, he's setting them cause he knows that they upset us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so then I saw this chiropractor where I'm like, oh cool, uh, Tom is now specifically trying to upset me, cause he knows that I get chiropractically adjusted like every couple months. And so I write, why would you send this to me? And he go, well don't you get adjusted?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you guys still keep me on staff? And what did I say? Well first you were quiet for about an hour. An hour? Something like that. I was like, I think I got the answer for this. No, it wasn't an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you send that video, I say so cool, so cool for sharing. You say be crazy if that happened to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, why would you say that, that's so mean? And he go, cause it would be crazy, no? I thought you went regularly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, I go, uh, every couple, uh, months when it gets tweaked, would you guys keep me on staff out of sympathy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sent that at 1203 and you responded at 1233.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go, for sure. Also funny to see that every day. Good for morale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we'll blow this up, but uh, I remember you doing this. I just want everyone to notice how when you're verbally saying how paralyzed I'd be, you can't help but smile or laugh. So let's go ahead and press play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but then the fart got to me. I was like, oh yeah, he did it. He did it. So cool, man. I cherish our, you know, I cherish our relationship, Tom. It's just, it's been such a magical six or seven years working with you guys and it just constantly evolved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still, it's, I know you care, but when you see a smile like this. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Describing how funny it would be if I was paralyzed is just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And pay for a caregiver because I don't think I'd be able to drive cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well Christina, just make sure that like, you know, people still like talk to me and I interact socially if I do end up in the wheelchair in a mutant death or whatever the fuck happens to me when he snaps my neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the surrogate of my caretaker would relay the things that I type into the machine, right? Or I'd just become the mascot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's... I still, I still have it. You have it? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, every time I'm about to, like some comes up, you know, it's like, Oh, we got fucking, you know, three weeks of crazy production. I'll just wait till like that, that ends. And, but I think I am going to start making moves. And cause I mean, the thing's not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still very all jaded up, it's just been sitting in my parking garage, and, you know what guys? I think I'm making the announcement here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool. Yeah, and if you guys are cool, like, we'll announce it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yeah, we'll partner up with whoever wants to do it. It's, you know, I'll let some Jay 10% it and we'll figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back. We're jeans. Ooh, I like when you got a little bit of dad hair coming off the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I do the peloton, I do the treadmill though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna make a big fucking thing out of that. I'm not gonna fuck a fuck out of that. Listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna go back to free burping and free farting on this show. I'm sick and tired of holding in my craft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hands down. So you were the first guy I ever dated that watched football and scratched his nuts and like- Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just was a real barbarian, like you put my hand in your lap and you farted on my hand when we were dating. I never dated guys like that. The guys I dated were a little more sensitive beta energy, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, even like the one normal guy I dated before you was not a savage like that. He was more refined. You know? Like he folded his clothes with a folding board, his shirts and he was very organized and stuff, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's not gay. No, I know. He's very heterosexual, just like, just more together, you know. More together. You're a slooooooop. But so am I. But so am I. I'm not, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that story where they're like, don't diarrhea on the streets? Cover that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a feeling Eni is strict like that with his women. Like there are no burps. There are no farts. There's nothing unseemly. No periods. Am I right? Like you don't allow any bodily stuff to happen ever. Am I right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yana, Yana, I might make a case that in this gentleman's situation, he doesn't want a big one in his bottom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he doesn't mind a big one in his mouth. But why not put a smaller one in your mouth to make your mouth's life easier?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But maybe I do want to hit the back door with the biggest one possible because then you just wreck it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thrust, if you will, is gonna destroy my anus, like destroy it so hard that all the blood and the mucus and the shit, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just gonna, it's that first, you just have to get over the first thrust, I think, and then you'll be fine. Now my vag, I'm kind of afraid of ruining that again. Do you know what I mean? Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had two people come out of there, it's seen better days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's finally healed, like, I don't wanna re-damage. And the mouth, like, ugh. It's dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it? But these guys are butt fucking for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what's wrong with that? I keep the pipes clean. I have a good fiber diet. I don't care. Ruin my asshole at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I smell what you're sizzlin', but the point is, is that that part, the vag is so traumatized already from childbirth, I don't wanna re-traumatize her. But it's gonna be less than-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's just forgotten it. Do you know what I mean? That's four years ago. She finally just forgot. Don't go back in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That vag pain's different. Anal pain's new to me. I haven't experienced anal pain. And I feel like I could take it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because like, anal pain to me is new, and I feel like I've done vaginal pain, it's so fucked up to have your vag torn apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll see. We'll see. We'll see when this happens. I'll let you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say that that was one of the first things that drew you and me together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is wild shit. You know, our- one of our first dates was seeing that movie. Uh, was it still water? Oh, no, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was really our first thing that we both were like, we love weird shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, when he was like, okay, we'll get you two piece, just three piece. And then as it ends, the best part is when it ends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's a defense mechanism. It's a defense mechanism. Yeah. It's so silly. So, uh, you remember the one where he's like, when he asked the lady, he's like, what do you think you want on a scale of one to 10? She's like, I'm a 10. He's like, no, you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look, he, so he's right. I think the only time this doesn't apply is when you're a teenager or you're very, very young, early twenties, when nobody has money, you have nothing to lose. You have nothing to gain. You really, your friendships and everything and your relationships are all about just enjoyment and things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then once you start to accrue resources, education,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Athleticism, all these things that are valuable because you've worked to get those things. That's what matters. So you want somebody that is an equal partner to you because you've worked now, now in your forties or your thirties, whatever you have stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't make sense for, you know, a guy making 300 grand to be dating a woman that's not of some value. What's your value?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rain boots, bruh? Like, you wore fucking rain boots to jump like that? You didn't think, like, Nikes or some shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ring dinger? The ring dinger dude, he needs the ring dinger. Sort of shit out. We are supported by Ridge. Ridge is celebrating their 10 year anniversary. With 10 years of great reviews and iconic wallets, Ridge is obsessed with making durable,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Space saving gear you'll actually use. Stock up with a minimalist wallet, key case, ring, or watch for a more organized everyday. It holds up to 12 cards plus room for cash. There's over 30 colors and styles including carbon, fiber, and burnt titanium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pickpocketers. And let me tell you, the Ridge wallet is so thin and so efficient, I think it's just the absolute most perfect wallet and you're never gonna want to try another one, trust me. Get the best offer with link ridge.com slash mom and right now you can save up to 40% through March 24th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babbel is a language learning app that sold more than 10 million subscriptions. Thanks to Babbel's addictively fun and easy bite sized language lessons, you can feel confident no matter where the new year takes you. I am learning Espanol just 15 minutes at a time because really that's all I got and it's amazing how fast I've been progressing using Babbel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are so many ways to learn with Babbel. In addition to lessons, you can access podcast games, videos, stories, and even live classes. Plus it comes with a 20 day money back guarantee. Start your new language learning journey today with Babbel. Right now, get up to 55% off your subscription when you go to babbel.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's babble.com slash mom for up to 55% off your subscription. Babble, language for life. So fucking gnarly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she, she and I subscribe, prescribe to the same way of thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The professionals know you stretch it out and it's more fun. She's like, I'm gonna have a fun weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well maybe I need to hang out with her more. Sure. Can I have her number? I'll fucking DM her or text her or whatever. Hey, what's up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I didn't even realize that. Two and two and one and two and you, three and you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, to have, first of all, to have your body split apart by a baby twice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, how much worse can it be? To have what? DP. To feel that, I'm telling you, like you, you have your fucking insides come out during birth and everything's in there out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leaving money on the table every fucking week. I'm at DPing, DP Thursday. I would start DP Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday off. Sunday's the Lord's day. No DP's on Sunday and then get back to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's interesting that he went there. I didn't even really put that together the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got WASP, I was so, you know, it's funny, these, I always say it, these clips take time to reveal themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the waspus was ridiculous and then he adds the peat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not the PA, public announcement for water consumption.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me realize. Hashtag I'm not your dad. Hashtag stop calling me daddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause what happened? Didn't he get arrested or something and then he disappeared? Is he gone now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What for him? Interesting. That's really good stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to eat too. Hunter Izzy down. I mean, that guy was amazing too. His sheer enthusiasm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what it also reminds me of is LA, like I feel like this is like a specific sort of LA crazy guy. I do miss that. I do miss the LA cray craze. Like daddy Lillagone is, he's Cali, he's a Cali guy too, yeah? I think Arizona. Oh, okay. Well, Cali adjacent, but you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, uh, La Lagoon is. Oh, La Lagoon is Arizona. This Glendale Gary, I think, is of Glendale. The Glendale California that we're familiar with. Thank you, chicken. Shout out. In and out. Shout out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're adding the hot sauce, guy. Remember when you came dressed to work as a bottle of hot sauce, too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The laugh. I never understood what prompts him to laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Stand up for mankind. Maybe. Cause he's like, yeah, stand up for all the humans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then I would add to this moment, I don't know if it's on there, but that we made it to the National Enquirer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many great years of clips and guests and experiences on this show. We've really lived our lives in front of you guys and thank you for being with us through it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got to see that when I was in the Middle East, the person controlling the drone, they're in like a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little, it looks like a tank. It's like a proofed room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they'd lock the guy in there so no one can fuck with him. And they change shifts. One guy comes in, next guy comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you this, because didn't they try to do this with food delivery, the food delivery robots in Austin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, what the fuck is this? And they go, that's the delivery robot. I go, well, what's the guy on the bike doing? Protecting the robot. So these robots get jacked so much that they need a human behind them. So what's the point of having the robot? Do you know what I mean? It's so redundant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fun. Who would we watch first? Let's talk about this. God, there's so many people we would watch Bang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have this great article here, apropos of this discussion of fat people. TikTok star Remi Bader says ranch mistreated her and refused to let her ride horses due to her weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In her caption of the video, Bader claimed, she has experienced riding horses and never had this issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's a good point. So no official weight restrictions are stated on the ranch's website. A post titled How Much Weight Can a Horse Carry? suggests that a rider should be not more than 15% of the horse's weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I like the eagle over Mount Poshmore, it's kinda cool. Like it is a good piece of art at least.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such shite! Well, I got this one on Australia, so this is like the Australian version, and that's like the Dutch version, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's supposed to be a dragon, but it looks like the lowenbrau symbol instead. Or like, someone thought it was insane clown posse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a Juggalo tattoo? But how did y'all get the exact same one? Brew? Cause, cause it's that unoriginal. Like it's, it was literally on the wall of this tattoo parlor in Australia and I was like, I dunno, I'll pick that. I'm year of the dragon. It's just some dumb ho choice. It's stupid. Yeah. Wow. Not a ho choice. It's a ho choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the military, I did a French base in Afghanistan, uh, in Lashkarga, Lashkarga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a base called, it was Lashkarga. And there was French.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they can fuck each other. No penalty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean? Cause I've done Navy stuff out in the Persian Gulf and there's no women allowed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was not, it wasn't cute. But, okay, so hold on, so, so there's like four chicks on the base, or on your ship, and then, is it known? Is it common?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A vehicle. I would choose a vehicle. A spacious tank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be interested to know what you were showing in the picture since I'm a blind person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You care. Some fun videos. And as I say, this is kind of interesting. Thank you and do some more. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One more day till the magic happens. What's the magic though? I'm trying to remember. One more day till Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I eat dinner early in the evening. I do a nice intermittent fast. I usually eat something about 12.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I get in the sauna. I dry brush and I get in the sauna. So I do my infrared sauna for 30 minutes. And then for dinner, I try to eat, you know, according to paleo. So lots of vegetables. It's really important for me to support my detox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, see what I was gonna do, go get me a two-liter Coca-Cola.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dan's gonna go out to the liquor store and get me a small bottle, you know, just a little baby bottle I can carry around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's how I do it. I go to McDonald's, I get me a large Coke. Then I drink some of that out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you need a new mattress? Go to sotva.com slash the shit now for $200 off the next purchase of your sotva mattress. It's the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] McDonald's is a happy meal for a boy or a girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I can't remember the last time I had a filet-o-fish, but it's fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just so that our fans could make a pilgrimage. Like that would be the Mecca McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do we hire, like, a black person or can it be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I meant to say. Cause you know that if you go to McDonald's anywhere in the world, it's there, the consistency.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About McDonald's, remember? That it's the land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what a beloved brand. Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something? The one we have near our house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For some reason, the goddamn ice cream maker is always broken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, wouldn't that be the best? And then the kids could eat for free, we could eat for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, is that what it is? Cause she goes, she goes, I would buy a subway candle and make my house smell like that bread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like Skittles. Did you know that Skittles just got like banned cause they're not food? What? Yeah, good way. Banned from where?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think America. What? Or they got deemed not food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So bad at facts and news. So bad. But that's why you're good at it, and I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Approved by a booze ban in Europe last year for potentially causing a cancer risk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ingredient in question is titanium dioxide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care. You know what I care about? I'll tell you what I care about. I care about fat models.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I care about Victoria's Secret Models with Down Syndrome. Jesus Christ. I care about what people who listen to this show care about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love when the, the far right goes into like gays and the monkeypox and the pedophiles. The cop too, the cop is like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause this guy is dressed like a MAGA hat. Like he's dressed like his whole outfit is a MAGA hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is the kind of enthusiasm we need in this country. The apathy for America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the problem is with the woke? Is that their ideas aren't entirely like super terrible, but they're just no fun. I think if they were as fun as like the far right, maybe I'd be more on board with their agenda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just the worst. But the good thing is about our audiences is that we generally attract the least woke of the woke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She kissed your lips? Yeah. So you got a little bit on your lips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But can I say something? I've known as much as I know about you. You're very adventurous and you're eating. You're very adventurous and curious. I'm surprised that you haven't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just done a little licky. A little flav taste.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just to make sure I take, you know, quality control. Just a QC salty little, I just, you know, nothing. It's a body. I wasn't like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a Shivambu, his kombucha. Shivankombucha. He's got a little bit of jizz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like hard pass. I know, I know already. Hard pass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet, I bet Josh Zolo, cause he's in the cum business right now cause he's so young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh, have you accidentally even just tasted it? I know you have. Oh, stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The special effects team had to remake Tina's breasts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was ironic to the video that was misplayed was perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so much fun. I mean, we were, uhm, we were in the pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he tore into my nachos. I didn't say a thing. I was like, go for it. You need to eat. You probably should eat. But I heard that he had the idea that you're not supposed to eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so the night that I was there, yeaah, he got turned up and then, and then he went for a swim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I feel like these boys can get tur- we saw the turn up. It was real. In Cabo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. So this was my stupid ass idea to mezcal. My friend had just been to Cabo two weekends before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so was I. So you go there, it's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like, how long is this? Cause we're not sure what the time is. It's like hour and a half, two hours, whatever.


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[Assistant] So we get there, you have to wear a bathing suit cause it's so hot in the Temescal, right?


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[Assistant] It is. So, so they, so, so you go into this hut, they close,


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[Assistant] The door, so it's pitch black in there. And you've got your shaman.


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[Assistant] The drum lady who just drums and then the shaman's apprentice, I guess was sitting next to you. So I'm sitting there and we're all sitting in this circle.


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[Assistant] And then they bring in a steaming coals, coals that they've been lighting, whatever. They put the coals in and then the shaman puts the water on the coals and the steam and the heat. Like once they close that door, it's intense and it's like every 15 minutes they open the door so you can cool off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Panicking from the heat, not the darkness, not the weird shaman, not the draw. I was digging all that weird shit, but I was so fixated on passing out. I was so terrified that I tapped out. I was like, I gotta get out cause my head was starting to tingle and I was like, dude, I'm going to pass out. I'm going to fucking pass out. So I take a break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the woman is like, are you ready to go back in? And I was like, yeah, fuck that, I'm a warrior. She's like, you are a warrior.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so I do that, and then he's slinging like leaf water at us, remember? And like, like chanting and stuff. And I was like, please don't let me die. And I get out and I look in the mirror and my face is beet red.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tapped down. I panicked. You on the other hand, you were like, you were sitting there, you were doing it. You were, you were good. He didn't bother you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Made me panic more is because I couldn't stay with my thoughts.


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[Assistant] I know, cause I really liked it when the lady was drumming and then she gave me a tiny drum. No, I got maracas. Yeah. And when it gets really loud in there and weird like I like that.


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[Assistant] But, man, yeaah, he doesn't love to talk too much.


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[Assistant] See, I think my friend did not get the chatty shaman. We got, we got, cause she's like, I cried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a dental update. A dental update that might blow away all the other dental updates, you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's a tiny molar that's been full of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tooth had been worn down because the filling was too big. It's over the years I've eaten so much candy and whatever I rotted out. So they put a crown on it thinking that could save the tooth. I think I'm done. Well, I had pain, heat sensitivity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cold sensitivity. I go into the dentist, I go something's up with the crown. She goes, you need a root canal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I suggest you do it ASAP, because by the weekend, this thing's gonna be on fire.


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[Assistant] So right. I'm like, what, like you're, someone says root canal, your world has turned upside down. Yeah. The panic, the fear it's surgery. It's a, it's a deal. So call the office. He goes, I can take you tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great, I get in. I'm a little nervous during the damn little apprehensive.


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[Assistant] They give, they relax you. Today's root canal is so much nicer than the past. It used to be just a guy like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now they talk to you, I had the nurse tapping me, rubbing my shoulders. It was very nice. So now I still have sensitivity when I eat, but it'll go away within a week, I was told.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you drop your name? Did you go, I'm a celebrity. Do you like comedy? Do you want tickets?


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[Assistant] I do it all the time, when they're like, what's your- I swear to god I do, if it's like a, like my kid needs to get into the allergist, I swear I did. I go, my last name's Segura S-E-G, and then hopefully they go, oh like the comedian Tom? And I go, yeah, that's my husband, so weird. And then they're like, yeah, we have an appointment today. I swear to god it works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But can I tell you the first root canal I got was because of apple mentos in Hungary that one summer in 1994 I ate apple mentos relentlessly.


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[Assistant] Although I do feel that you and I look alike. If you look at our features, our children, well, our children are so handsome. And I think Tom and I have deeply like big eyes. We have got the deep eye bags. We both have big full lips. I have a perfect Aryan nose. Yours not so much. Sorry.


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[Assistant] I wanna say, yea, like Concentration Camp Island, and then just make him lose.


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[Assistant] Again, it's tricky because you all have different strengths. So if it's like running, you might be more inclined at that cause you're long and lean. And Burt likes to run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if it's a totally like super gay sport, like beach volleyball?


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[Assistant] What's the gayest? What if it's like, shh, no, like something lame, like speedwalking. Have you seen speedwalking? It's an Olympic event. It's so gay.


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[Assistant] Cause remember when Burt was doing on the treadmill, like he would just be on the treadmill for like hours.


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[Assistant] I love this idea of the extreme discipline for Bert. But I want to watch him suffer with that. And also I would like to add a component where he has to sit still and go inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so twice a day, 20 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes in the afternoon, you sit down and you do your mantra. For bird nights actually.


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[Assistant] You know like those stupid wedding dress shows? Like say yes to the dress. It needs to be this guy. Yeah. Who's like, let's see who has the best ass.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's just, it's so silly. People really geek out on these wedding gowns. But I've watched the suit show with this gay guy harassing people.


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[Assistant] Exactly. Ari, it's been the question we've been asking for years.


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[Assistant] Dude, Garth splattered shit on the car. How does that happen? Ari, you take horrendous dumps.


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[Assistant] I'm still, I still don't understand the physics of this, like, so, so is it that he pulled down his pants and then he shit on the floor first? And then he goes to the toilet?


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[Assistant] I'm still marveling at this display of shit. Like how does one spray it? It's all over. There's the top, the bottom, just the physics of it.


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[Assistant] Nadab, you've had batastrophes before. What's your theory on this? Do you have a take on this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she's okay touching the shitty butt.


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[Assistant] It's not preferable. I mean, that's the point of the bidet is to, the force of the water cleans your, your ass. It cleans the shit off.


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[Assistant] But the cherry Pepsi didn't leave your asshole sticky and


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[Assistant] I would have taken off my underwear and then wiped my asshole with my underwear and then just discarded the underwear and then put your shorts on and free ball.


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[Assistant] Right, but I mean, my- what I imagine my horrendous shit is compared to what yours is is probably less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like if I had an extra t-shirt or sweatshirt around my waist or something? Or like a hat?


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[Assistant] I don't care. I could use the internet. I could buy another one. Or if I had like a cap.


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[Assistant] You just clean it, but that's what that is. Cause you do have to like clean your own asshole and then, you know, but you use soap.


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[Assistant] And she's already pulled down her underwear and her pant or whatever, like, you're already half naked.


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[Assistant] Okay, okay, uhm, September 7th, Brooklyn, the bell house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, and then September 9th, Detroit at the MGM Grand. And then I just added Fartnicks. Fartnicks Arizona at ZV Live September 23rd and 24th. Nashville, October 6th, 7th and 8th. And then back to Judortitties, Carolines.


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[Assistant] Biloxi, Bensalem, Pennsylvania at the Parks Casino, and then Chicago next year. Next year.


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[Assistant] This is scarier than two guys buttfucking on the wrapper.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's so empty. It's such an empty.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he doesn't even offer you anything. Just come on over, come suck this dick.


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[Assistant] This might be the laziest, the laziest TikTok dater I've ever seen. There's no offer. There's nothing. It's just come over here and what did you say? Let me spread my legs on your face. There's no offer. There's nothing.


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[Assistant] Well, and also, it's interesting that he put this failed attempt up. Like, was he trying to touch its head?


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[Assistant] Like what are you doing? This isn't even the win. This is just like I grabbed its tail. Like what's the goal?


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[Assistant] Guys, he dedicated a year of his life to do it at this level.


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[Assistant] And it can't be good for your spine or your head or your neck. I can't imagine, but don't you wish this were an Olympic sport?


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[Assistant] Okay, what's worse? Finger fitness or a spouse that plays the spoons and you have to listen to them practice the spoons.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and now he's more, he's leaned out and he's uhm, more natural homeopathic type. So he'll tell you not to use chapstick, you don't need to wash your hair anymore, uh, natural, more natch. So he's, he's maybe changed lanes, I don't know if he's a prostitute anymore.


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[Assistant] Yeah, let's not get into it too much. So.


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[Assistant] Talk to you about uhm, some of our communication issues right now that we're kind of experiencing with the team.


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[Assistant] I have the excuse of like, well it's the pub, we all go there. We just drink in our houses like losers.


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[Assistant] Now the French, stinky. They smell like shit. Like I've been in France in the summertime, you don't want to be there. I think Europeans fucking stink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for watching. Thank you for being part of the Houston community and culture. Uhm, and we'll get you... It got so quiet in here.


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[Assistant] That's the worst place to do them. You think so?


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[Assistant] Weird thing for us to do in the middle of the day. It was so strange. And it was great.


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[Assistant] And also the, all the places you go to promote the book, like the book people, the book shops, the, they're all like kinda cool with whatever happens. Yeah. You go to do like a signing and there's 20 people and they're like, yeah that was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that was really fun. And uh, I broke your toilet on the way out.


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[Assistant] No, that's not true. No. I really don't poop. I really don't poop anywhere. No? Except my house. Okay, good. I've been on the road now for like a week.


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[Assistant] Just waitin'. Just waitin'. Wow. Not intentionally. I think my body just freaks out. You already have your new hour too? No. Okay, good. I've got like 20. Alright, that makes me breathe. And then you put in, and then you put in 40 minutes of crowd work and that's an hour. Yeah. I could do crowd work all night.


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[Assistant] There you go. Yeah. Easy. I'm not, I'm not gonna freak out.


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[Assistant] No, I mean, sounds like you're, like when you say it that way, I picture like a car wash, like really getting on it. No, it's like, uh, I touch everything, but pretty quickly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do feel recently that uhm, and also it's an agility thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the bottom, your feet, you should spend more time on your feet. In between the toes, bottom of the foot, especially in LA I'm walking around without shoes a lot. Uh, and so when I'm in there and then lifting the leg up to like your waist,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just learned that. It's good agility. It's like, oh, I can still do this. I'm pretty sure my dad at 50 couldn't do this.


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[Assistant] Like, dad couldn't do this, look what I'm doing. Like, it's gonna be a marker for me going forward, like, when I'm like, holding onto a bar and not being able to touch my foot, I'll know it's over.


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[Assistant] He wasn't super fat, but he had a little belly. He had like the dad belly.


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[Assistant] No. My father, no. He's like, he's built like a truck. Oh he is? Yeaah. He's, yeaah. He's impressive, like solid dude. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he just played football his whole life and it just kinda naturally stayed like that. He still, to this day, like my friends when they would come over, uh, they would ring the bell and then run out on the lawn.


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[Assistant] Because they didn't want my father to come and shake their hand because he would always mess with them, you know? He would like shake their hand and bring them to their knees.


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[Assistant] And everyone's waiting, I just saw my cousin on Sunday, he's like, still waiting for the time when he's able to take my dad. Wow. He's now like 77.


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[Assistant] And he's like still, he's like, I'm coming to your nursing home. Cause that's the only time I'm going to be able to do it. Cause I still can, he's still hurting.


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[Assistant] His whole life was labor and football and they had no money and they just worked all the time. Do you have big hands? I like my size.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and he did like, he did a lot of labor when he was younger, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you just have it. Yeah. Yeah. My daughter's, uh, she wasn't, she was a dancer and now she just works out all the time. She's 17 and you hug her and it's like a rock. It's like solid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tight. And you know, like I could work out the same amount and like maybe get kinda more fit. She'll like go off the charts and then she can stop for a month and still be the same. When I stop for three days and everything falls apart. Back to a matzo ball.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, and he had the hair, and he had the accent, and yes, I could sleep with anyone I want to.


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[Assistant] I saw him recently, he was at a, like a uh, country club where my brother-in-law goes, and uh, he still has it.


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[Assistant] Don't give a shit what we do up there. Not at all. We care that the seats are full. That's so disheartening because I would, I know, I still come off and I'll see the promoter and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it good? Was it, was it funny? Yeah, of course. You like me? Was it? Don't care. Was it good? Yeah, whatever. Here's your check. Here's your check. I gotta, I gotta go pick up my wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we did well. And he goes, yeah, you know, Joe Coy did 14 nights in a row. 14 nights sold out in a row. I was like, all right, so I'm garbage. I'll, uh, what part of the menu am I allowed to order from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, right, exactly. But that's the other thing, when you go to places where they know that, they know these things, and you, you know they're lying to you, they're like, it's gonna be a great week, great weekend, great night, this is gonna be great, you're great, great, great, great, and you know they're stroking, and they just know it makes you happy as a performer, and you accept it, it's like when you're,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I was talking with uh, Gabriel. Gabriel came on my radio show, Iglesias, and you know, he'd just done, his special came out with him at Dodger Stadium. He did all of Dodger Stadium like two nights in a row and stuff. And we were going, just in the conversation, I realized, uh, he works every Christmas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want you to be home by the fire with your thing.


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[Assistant] I don't know if you saw his special, but it was very cool at the end of it. He brought up like a couple of people that work with him who've been with him the whole ride since they were kids starting out and it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, one was East LA, he was Long Beach, someone else was from LA and they're standing at Dodger Stadium having pulled this off as these kids that grew up there. It was really pretty heartwarming. And then you hear he's working on Christmas and you're like, you're doing it all wrong. Take Christmas off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always felt that way about Letterman doing on Thanksgiving night. You would always do Thanksgiving. I was like, what's wrong, Dave? Yeah, take it off. You can't negotiate this. Exactly. But some people are built that way where they're, they're actually happier doing that. Yeah. You know, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone just offered me a thing in New York to do press for this special on the 28th.


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[Assistant] And I have in my head the 20th in my, I've been running all year and then, you know,


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[Assistant] The shows are stopped and now I'm promoting and I'm just like skidding to the finish line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, do I have to go back on the 28 now? No, but that knee jerk reaction in you is like, yeah, I can make it. I know there's probably a flight and I can go and like come back and then, and no, I just want to sit with some scotch and a smoking jacket by the fire and just not move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The big thing is that you have a family. You have kids. Like if you don't and you're, you know, or you're split and your kids are with the mom or, you know, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can see you wanting to work. Yeah. But I just want to sit there and stare at my train village and... It's so funny, my kids are now 17 and 20, and I'm still setting up the train village, alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like sending texts of me by the train to my daughter at college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know who's getting this. I'll sit on his balls. Yeah. I like that little kids were like in his head. He's like, they're so big. He'll take them each separate. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I was there. Yeah, it's, uh, it's, it's so intense, but it is kind of weird. Like they're like your whole life is them, right? They're all over you nonstop. I'm at the point where they're not going to be in the house in September.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was really pretty psyched too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, we're just newly married. But, uh, we have pets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, I mean, I thought about that, I'm like, maybe I bring them to New York, and they'll be so depressed they'll probably die early.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, alright, if Chris Rock's saying that, I have to get out of here immediately. Someone told me just the other day that Central Park


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can bring your dog up there and take them off leash and let them run. In early morning you mean? Early morning. Wow. And let them think that they're a dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I don't, uh, so they're not going to, so I don't know what my wife is really like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know, but it is very strange. How old are the kids now? They're 17 and 20. And 20, okay. So, yeah, that's done. That's done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cried when my daughter went to school for the first time and I realized I was like, it just rushed over me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's because you can't, like a lot of things happen and you can kind of rationalize it and get around it. But that's like, no, like we're now those, that couple where the kids are gone. Like we are now part of that life. Like you can't lie to yourself. You can lie about your age or like where you're at. But when that happens and they split.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're just like, oh, we're in that state. Like it's, there's no going back. Yeah. There's no going back. And uh, yeah, that was pretty heartbreak. You'll start getting the calls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish it went that way. No? Well now, and it's gonna get worse when your boys are older, uh, you just notice...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something came out of your Venmo. Oh, it's just like gone? You just get an alert, like someone used the Amex. Like they just have all of my shit. Oh, right. And use it, and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] $55 on Amex? Dad, I needed a blah blah blah. Oh, okay. Yeah, they just steal from you. They don't ask you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you call them and they don't pick up. They're looking at their phone. They're looking at you calling. They're rolling their eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you get them in their own room, you know, and you let them do their thing, but you get to just like see them. They become like cats. Like you know how a cat just kind of like goes by your leg and rubs against and that's all you're gonna get? That's what your 20 year old son will do. Just kind of come by, hey dad, gonna sit on your balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's the best. Oh my god. It's so the best. My daughter, when I would leave like the, at like the 5 a.m. out the door, you know, she would get up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she would come, that same sleepy there song. Oh yeah. And she would wake up and I'd be like quietly sneaking out and she would just come and give me like this huge hug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have a good trip. And then go back into bed. And it was like, I wish you hadn't done that. You know what I mean? Like, if I could have just gone to the airport, I would think I'm a pretty good guy. But now I feel like just a piece of garbage. You're like, now I'm doing coke. I'm doing coke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No. This is gonna be like that. Yeah. They're gonna be that. And uh, they're gonna be that as 30 year olds. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they don't- they do not change. Man, as much as-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good. Snuggles, yeah. That's good. Our dynamic is so different because it was girls. Yeah. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's uh, but it's amazing cause like I couldn't yell, I couldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I just raised, just saying like, stop that. Is, my daughter would translate that into, did you hear dad scream at us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, but that's why, uh, I like them, I like, I can't, couldn't work at Christmastime. No. Because of, because they're so, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In and out, emotionally, everything. It's just like, we could all just kind of have that tradition. It's like, we're, we're all just going to do this. Whatever phase we're in, you're into us, you're not into us, whatever. It's like, we're all going to sit here for a week. Yeah. Will they be home for Christmas? Yeah. That's cool. Yeah. No, that's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't really bother me that much. Like I wasn't going to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're definitely, you're definitely on high alert. Yeah. Uhm, my, like I have no problem with whatever they're gonna do together, you know what I mean, like all that stuff, like everything that we did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fine. I'm not, it doesn't really bother me. It's like they're, they're women. You know, they're doing stuff. I can't think about it, but I also am not going to like, I don't want to know. Just fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hard part is, uh, is kind of analyzing, uh, if they're a good guy. Because the only thing you want is that don't be with an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, the, the one guy was like, he was, he was a little like evasive. He wasn't really like coming, talking too much. And it kind of like had me on high alert for a minute. Like he wasn't like shaking my hand and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was a good kid, like he was okay. And, but it took me a beat to kind of learn it. And I also thought about myself, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was, you know, I would tell my wife, like, you know, when I was in high school and I had my girlfriend, I would go in and I would shake her hand and I would be like, hey, where were you? But I was also sneaking in her window at night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you marry. That's what you marry. Yeaah. You don't want, you know? It's uh, it's, it's kind of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of interesting watching old, like I always look at people that are ahead of me, and it turns into the opposite problem, where they bring home a girl, and then you fall in love with her, and she's around the house for a year, and then he breaks up with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's that thing, everything you're describing is so complex and it's just like the beginnings of it. That's like, as a parent you're like, better off I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would see, I remember as a kid watching like, uh, dads in cartoons like with the newspaper and just ignoring the whole family and be like, what an asshole. Look at that guy. And now I get it. I'm like, no, you can't involve yourself in all of this soap opera that's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't get you guys. My, I cultivate, uh, I cultivate it, now I'm like even exaggerating when I know I'll say I don't. They'll have some drama and they'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe what happened with Kelly, and my reaction is always, who's Kelly again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I don't want them to think I'm, I know. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Cause that's what I live in. I have a two. Right. Right. And the chances of everyone being in a good mood on the same day is virtually, it's happened like twice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they know your emotions. They know how to get you. They know, like, I watched my daughter with my wife and it's like, fw-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a second, in a flinch, they just read each other and they're like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jackals. How are you gonna handle Christmas presents for each other?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's true. Yeaah, my parents are that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I like nice things, but it's, I kinda learned, you know, I grew up in New Jersey, and I was kinda...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jersey trash. But as an adult, I learn to like things. And I learn to like, you know, my wife is like, we're, we have everything, like what do we need? We don't really, like you buy stuff through the year that you really need. Maybe we should just get a mattress this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, yeah, okay, that makes sense. And as we're getting closer, I'm like, that's bullshit. I'd like to open something. You have to open stuff. I also, but I also realize that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That feels good. Yeah, but you don't get that reaction because he never reacts of, oh my god, thank you. Oh yeah, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I, uh, I would always get depressed when I hear married couples be like, they would say that, uh, he gets a blowjob on his birthday. Yeah, I hate that. Just once a year. It's just like, ugh, that's so lame. But you know what's even more lame? When you don't get one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When your birthday comes and goes and you're like, oh, yeah, that's even worse. So sad. Not, yeah, that is sad. Planned intimacy is so lame. I don't like that at all. It's so lame. It's so lame. Yeah. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the cool thing about Leno, that he would drive everything. It's like a museum, but he treats it like it's just his cars to drive around. Which is cool. It's very cool. It's really that you shouldn't be so sacred with stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. It's not for, it's not a museum piece. Right. But would you be angry if you, if you gave like a diamond necklace or something like very expensive and then it was lost?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my wife does have that reaction sometimes, like, oh shit. You don't? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have this denim shirt that I keep in my closet, and in my head every time I see it I think, in case I'm ever at a bonfire at the beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, well you see some people that are like, that fashion is a thing, like they really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I think every time I see Ali, Ali Wong, she's wearing something different. She looks amazing in everything. But it's like non, like she's always got something creative and cool on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever. Yeah, I can't be, I can't be that style-y. I don't have that, I don't have that kind of sense. I like it, I like nice clothes. I do too, but like, but you're not, you're just, you're a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so disturbing because the first thing you really- you don't even see the snake at first, you just see-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my friend gave me, at a college, gave me a boa constrictor, a baby boa constrictor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, it was, you know, it was only like a foot long in his little head. It was like pretty cool in the beginning. And then it just grew in this fish tank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you had to feed it, you start out with like these little mice and then rats eventually, you're dropping a rat in there. And when it's not feeding, it's just striking at the glass every time you, every time you walk by. I was like, this thing's gotta go. I can't. Why am I living with this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. How did you get rid of it? I made him take it back. You did? Yeah, cause he loved snakes. He had snakes. Oh, okay, okay. And, uh, and they would get loose in his place and like you wouldn't find it for a couple days. Yeah. Yeah. You're just sleeping in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did one cool thing, he built like, he built like a snake habit trail through his apartment. So it was like these tubes like all throughout the apartment so the thing could just like go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now like one of your activities every week is stopping at the pet store to buy live animals. Right. That you're gonna feed this monster you live with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, the person in the car saying, what's your address, who's allowed to touch your privates, is never bringing that home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Butterfly lady. Right. You were gonna ask who I'd rather be with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As she was talking, I was thinking, alright, that's a pro- you obviously got something you gotta work on, but why the bad haircut?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I, can I ask something though? Yeah. Uh, can I see the snake again just to cleanse me of this? Sorbet. Sure. A TikTok sorbet. I can't walk out with that. Ah. Ah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Terms of this contest was very clear. Christina laid out the terms. I don't want to hear your farts or burps any longer. Not that I want to smell them, so you have to hear the burp. And in fact, Oxford Dictionary defines burp as a noisily released


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bit of air from the mouth. And, uh, I did not hear Tom release air. I heard Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kristina lost the burp challenge, and burp gate is now closed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was always a mystery of how we could possibly make a living doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeah, that's, that's fun, but also a lot of pressure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I do want to, I am, I do a specific type of skating and I am obviously a specific age group of skater. And so when people ask me about skating, I want to be able to speak for all of it and including, you know, the, the fringe element of people that are out just to skate the forbidden territories. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And private and, and I, I want to promote that as well. So, you know, it's just a lot of, it's a lot of pressure, but, but I'm happy to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, I was definitely obsessed, still am. Um, but I think also through the years and even through my formative years, which were spent on the road with all those distractions and whatnot, I think that I saw my peers lose their motivation with all that. And how do you not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, because my skating was always top priority for me. It's what gave me the most satisfaction and gave me the best, I don't know, validation. And so when I saw people partying and kind of losing their skillset, I was like that there's no way I'm doing that. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only ever cared about getting better. That's it. That was it. Learning new tricks. That was, that was my, still, that's my focus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So winning events was awesome, but that was just incidental to learning new tricks and getting better. And at some point I definitely was caught in the vortex of competition and the cycle and that got old and that burned me out pretty quickly. And I actually stepped away from it, but I never lost the incentive to keep learning new stuff. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely had haters, definitely had a lot of haters through the years because of that and because of my style, like my style was much more, they thought mechanical, robotic because it was just about the tricks. So I didn't have flair. I didn't, I didn't look cool in my silhouettes, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because, because the pressure was off. That was the difference. For me, the pressure was off to stay on my skateboard that whole time and now I'm unleashed to learn new stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember my first hangover was after one of the Mountain Trashmore events.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. Right. Yeah. Um, but only because we had to get up early. We had to get up like 6 a.m. to catch our flight home. Did you drink in front of people? Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I, I mean skating has always been my escape and my, my expression. So it has been through skating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I was doing a, I was doing a move. It's called a McTwist, which is like a one and a half somersault. And I didn't have enough speed going into it. And in my younger days, that was never a problem. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The landing wasn't ideal, but I was still gonna fix it. And then at some point it was unfixable and my leg just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I broke my pelvis about 15 years ago, which I thought was the worst. Uhm, this one was, what I came to find out, much worse in terms of recovery, but I wasn't really accepting that it was going to be much worse in a recovery, so I got to skating right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I, I should have known something was wrong when I would limp to the ramp to go skate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was cherry picking the info that I was getting. So it was like, well, the bone's sealed in six to eight weeks. I'm like, I'm good. Eight weeks. Let's go. And so I, I got into skating right away and there was, I do remember the actual moment where I stepped off my board and I felt,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I kept skating and all that impact eventually made it separate and keep separating. So through the six months, no, like eight months after my actual injury, my bone was further away from itself than it was like the day after surgery. And