[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honestly don't think you should be, uh. Yea, $200 tip. Oh, Columbus Circle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a thousand dollars you should not, you should not have to, it's only four stars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One, two, right? How's it not a five star? It should be five star like kind of crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Order online though, go to order online. I mean, it seems like a thousand dollars. Are you sure we're at the right place?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, additionally offered experience experiences, not 50 per person, not including beverage and tax. This resolution guarantees seating at are carefully crafted sushi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Freshly shaved seasonal truffles. I'm not a big truffle fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think, I think that would help restaurants at this point in the, in, uh, for an America would be like, alright, no more tipping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the business restaurants, you gotta pay the servers where they should be paid and it's all about the experience. Cause now it's all about the tip. And now I would imagine most people are just tipping pretty good cause it's like embarrassing. That's like, you're getting so like pushed into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, go to Dick's Sporting Goods. Like, do you want to donate today? Right, yeaah. Like all this kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, sometimes I have to do it, I have to, like, with the kid, the, yeah, the other day, if he recognizes me, then I'm like, you know, you almost feel like, well I have to, I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could maybe do that. And just, cause you just want to go, it's not, I mean, obviously it's not the kids, but you're like, I don't even trust.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is your, what is, even though I like the store, where is it, where is it going? They love to go, you want to round up? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So round up, I'll get, I mean, you asked me to round up, I'm not even batting an eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Firehouse subs, I'll round up every, but they say it goes to the fire, you know. Rounding up is the, that's the way it should be done. Cause I think you would get every, I think you would get a lot more people. Cause you're just like, I don't care. Like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two, you can ask one question, that's usually, they're not going to know the answer, and you go one more question, they're definitely not knowing the answer. I mean, it's not them that are doing it, it's the company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not only the best burger you can eat, but it comes with the best wine pairing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If $5,000 seems extreme, consider this, the bottle of Petrus alone would cost you $5,300. So you're actually getting a discount.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could see, like, I bet it would be great. There'd be something, I don't want to pay that much money then just go like, can I get not like truffle bun? Can I get a regular bun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that fries on the side? Yeah, those are fries. They're, uh, I could see...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you definitely would want to try, but I mean, it's funny that it's like, only billionaires go there, you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would imagine someone has 10 million dollars they can go get a bird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, yeah, scattered is they cut it up, right? Spread it out. Spread it out. Yep. Smothered is where they put cheese on it. No, it's covered as cheese. Covered as cheese. Yep. Smothered as onions. Onions. Oh, I don't like onions. Yep. Sauteed diced onions. I used to get ham scattered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love a wolf house. I put ketchup on it. On your what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a big sauce guy. Uh, I put ketchup on uh, hash browns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear people. Oh yeah, that's different. You know, I had someone tell me that's crazy. I would never do it, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was, when I would make food, when I had no money, uh, not saying money, but like it's when I was starting comedy and like, you just have nothing. It was, I would eat corn with A1 sauce out of the thing. I'd pour corn in it and then pour A1 over it. And then I would just eat that. I loved it. A1's delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it depends on the restaurant you go, you know, it's like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mother's Day is a great guess. Valentine's Day is my guess. Uh, that's good too. Mother's Day, Valentine's Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to just, I basically have to pick between which one of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I get that. But I think by, you're shopping all day. I think that's a fast food kind of day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I always like after, anytime we have like, you know, it's like after you go through Christmas or Thanksgiving, it's like you gotta go to all the houses and you're eating like real fancy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, your fancy food. And then the next day I just want to go to McDonald's and just get back to, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that's how when we make food, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I mean, my tastes are all like that kind of taste. I think people don't realize it's like, you know, it's like, I don't have the taste for, I like good food and I've tasted stuff that's unbelievable. But I, I honestly, that $5,000 burger, I could eat that and then eat McDonald's and like be just, and be really just as happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, I get, I want to get the bad out of the way. So like if I have to eat, like Laura, you know, makes some vegetables I have to eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I was like, did Drew Maddox, something, Vandy, it was always like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm, I, I, you know I don't go there enough. I've been there and I would like, I wish I went more. Is what I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, I like, yeah, I, I like, it looks awesome. I like, I like fazoles. And I just don't, I, some reason it just, you know, I mean, that's why it's still around. I wish I would have went to it more. And I will, I mean, I will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish that, yeah, I wish Fezzoli's, where it's at, I just wish it would have been a little bit closer to the road and been, you know, it's a, it's like kind of behind steak, steak and shake. Oh, and so, yeah, and hermitage. And so it was always like right there. And, uh, I wish it was more in my eyesight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think you should be allowed to do it to, like, I feel like it's, it's, if you do it, it's to your, like, you know, like when Derek Henry's rookie year, like, you know, it's like, it's a, it's your first pick is like the one that has to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, like that seems mean. And then who was, what's his name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. He said his thing was 260, uh. Thousand? Yeah, like 266,000. And then, yeah, that's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what did he tip? I mean, that's, that's where you're putting some of the bad spot. You'd hope the other guys at least leave the tip for the server. Cause you're like that kid, that that kid's got to pay and it's already like, come on man. Oh yeah. And then, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As always, we love you guys and we, uh, I'm out on tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I got a lot of summer dates coming out. Uh, I'm going to be taping a special in September. I believe I'm announcing, it might be announced if you're listening to this. Uh, so I'm not going to say where because I don't know if it's announced, but I'm taping it. I don't know where it's going to go yet, whether it's Netflix or it's someone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Figuring all that stuff out, but no matter what I'm taping it. Uh, and then all the summer dates are amphitheaters. They're big places. Hope you see out there for that. What do you guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's your typical waiter. That's like this one table left tipped him, uh, $500 and then the board table. He's like, guys, can you give me one more dollar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. They're, well they're, uh, yeah, I have no idea. Yeah, I'm not a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know the handle? Here we go. 125,000. That's a lot, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever? Shouldn't they back up a little bit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, I mean that first, that video that's right there on the left, I mean by the camera is, you look like you're- If it were any other- It looks like you're like O.J. walking out of the trial, the camera's just everywhere, he's like, no questions, no questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up everybody? And you hold it down. I mean like the, you do it just the most unflat, like your own way. You hold it down, up your nose. I don't even need to laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean the cameos, it's like, I wish I could be there as you can see how close I am to the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, alright. Thank you guys. As always, we love you all and we will see you next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nate Land is produced by Nate Land Productions and by me, Nate Bargetzi and my wife, Laura, on the All Things Comedy Network.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to catch us next week on the Nateland Podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. Life is busy and your wellbeing is important. Athletic Greens makes it so easy to get the vitamins you need every day with just one scoop.


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[Assistant] Athletic Greens has given you a free one year supply of immune supporting vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase.


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[Assistant] Visit athleticgreens.com slash Nate for a free one year supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase. That's athleticgreens.com slash Nate. There we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like the last eight games are, it's like, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In looking at a bear, did you feel like that you could juke it? I mean they're so big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know Joe Rogan shot that down so fast, but I still gotta think, I mean, you know, Barry Sanders is not a deer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In general, yea, if a truck's coming at you, you don't go. I got no chance, just stand here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if he swipes you with the claw, you know, maybe you can get away. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got a lot of moving. Well, you got multiple people living in one trailer, you know, and they all got a, but sometimes people don't have cars because they don't have a license. So you'll just see them sitting around on their steps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you park in the driveway. Yeah. Yeah. Or the, you know, the backyard anywhere on the grass. Yeah. We didn't have a lot of grass. We had a real sandy yard. Oh, yeah. It's hard to mow up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a sand, you know, during the desert storm war, I had a sand yard. So it was like really set up for all my desert storm, uh, army men that I had. I mean, it was great. We had our own little thing going on out there, GIJOs and bunkers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, yeah, oh yeah, it'd be a great time out there. But I don't know, I don't know what the terrain looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. I don't really know what Ukraine terrain looks like. Yeah. It's tough to say. Tough to build a city out of it. It was easy when that one was. Yeah. Cause you're just sand. And I was like, well, I already got that going on. Yeah. My trucks are the same color as this. It was really fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got the, he got enough play out. Yeah, by the time it ended, I joined the army. And, uh, I mean, I never got in, but I did join. Did you join? I did join. I got arrested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it goes well with the college episode of today, because after I dropped out of college I, you know, joined the army. Okay. And then didn't get in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you won anything? I don't think so. I mean, I'm sure I've won something, but nothing really comes to mind. Nothing so big that I was like, you know, I've done some scratch offs here and there back in the day and I might have won five bucks or so, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For comedy a few times. Yeah. You know, they never really featured me on anything growing up. Oh, okay. It was a tornado that went through my dad's town and my dad got on the news. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, that's all. Yeah, so my dad got on there. It was a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. I'd like to say I was at the Looney Bin, uh, uh, years ago, the Tulsa Looney Bin and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for years, it's just flooding every weekend. So like when you take a shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, there's a patch of carpet that's just wet. I mean in the kitchen it had circle, like the square tiles and you would step on one and water would come up from in between the cracks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other than that, yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to Naples, Florida off the hook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was great. I've heard a lot of people talk about that club in a negative way, but I had a great time. It was very fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's a weird mix of people. I mean, you got, you know, but it was great. I mean, the audience was like, one show was like very old and I, but that was one of my favorite shows of the weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to do a lot of shows for old people in Charleston, South Carolina, and so I like it. If I see it's all old out there, I just kinda like, get into like, grandson mode. You know, like, I gotta be respectful to these people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got off stage and the guy had my check. I don't think he was like, Oh, I know you're upset. Here's your check. He just had it ready and I just grabbed the check and I'm, we beat people from the show out to the parking lot. I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Then what are we doing? Yeah. I mean, the side is the side and then the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's see the actual scores. Let's see some proof here. Let's see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did we determine? 36 is a perfect score. Okay. And the national average is 20, huh? Good thing I didn't take it. Yeah. It's not meant for everybody. Yeah. I didn't even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it costs money to take. And I was like, oh no, I'm not doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like in like middle school we were taking an SET.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had to take some aptitude tests one year, uh, we were all in the, uh, in the performing arts center of the school and like the army was there for some reason and they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to take this test if you don't want to, but you have to come up here and sign a thing. And so this girl, I remember, uh, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rebecca, she came up, she went up first, everybody cheered for her, she signed her name and then like, just everyone started going down there and signing up. And then they were like, all right, all right, all right, actually you do have to take it. Like, I guess they didn't expect people to say no to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they were like, you do have to take it. So we all had to take it. And it was something to like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell us what we're supposed to be or whatever. Do you remember what you got? I don't remember. I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was excited about it. I was like, oh good, finally some direction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I don't, I don't know that anything came out of it. I think it was all like, you should join the army.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even slew is like death in the past, right? We slew you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was trying to figure out what Briar Patch was. No, that's me. Okay. He didn't even capitalize your name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good. I got like a half grant, you know, because I sent him my, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, like my mom's W2 or whatever. And then they wanted my dad's and my dad, you know, he does better, but my parents are divorced and my dad was not going to pay. And I'm like, why do you want that? He's not helping. That's what my dad did to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad goes, alright, I'll pay for half of your tuition. If you get in, you know, you sign up, I'll pay for half. So I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went and got this Pell Grant that paid for half and I told my dad, I go, hey, I got half. He goes, alright, well you come up, now that you've got that grant, you come up with the other half of the remaining and then I'll pay that. So I was like, oh, I just came up with half. You keep coming down on the money. Do you really want me going to college? I mean, what's happening here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was doing a club though one time and, and it was so low. This was years ago. The attendance was so low and it was above a restaurant that the club was like, Oh, there's a table downstairs that has, there's like 20 people. They have a reservation here at the club. We're going to wait till they're done eating to start the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think it's interesting that people, like, who decides what a word is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I Googled is fun or a word and the things I read said yes. I mean, who decides? If you, if people are saying it, then it's a word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might become. Sometimes it's not more fun. It's funner. It's funner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More fun than what? This is funner. Yeah. You having more fun? I'm having a lot more funner. Yeah, if you mean this is funner, then yeah. I am having more fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause that doesn't work out and then you're like, well, I'll try something else and then your fame works out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our next partner has a product that we've started using every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We started taking athletic greens because it's hard to eat good out on the road. And we're looking for simple ways to try and be more healthy. This is a great start to the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The taste is great and some of these are not, you know what I mean, athletic greens is always good, but I've had some of these drinks before where you mix it up and it's hard to get down. You're like, I know this is vitamins and this is supposed to be good for me, but I may, I may die drinking it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the taste is great here. It's easy to make and drink quickly. One scoop of powder with water, shake and drink. Travel packs are great for when any of us are on the road. You can easily pour it into a bottle of water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now it's time to reclaim your health and help your immune system with convenient daily nutrition. It's just one scoop of, uh, one scoop and a cup of water every day. That is it. No need for a million different pills and supplements to look out for your health.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To make it easy, Athletic Greens is going to give you a free one-year supply of immune-supporting vitamin D and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five free travel packs with your first purchase. All you have to do is visit athleticgreens.com slash Nate. Again, that is athleticgreens.com slash Nate to take ownership over your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really great John Connelly song too, by the way, Common Man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I don't know that one. It's, it's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Jeff. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm getting into it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Feel like he would still get drowned in the search results for Taylor Swift though. Probably. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause if it's clickbait and then the video's not good, you've just tricked people into watching a bad thing. And now they're mad about it. They've been tricked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you want people to watch because they like what you're doing. Not because they were searching for Taylor Swift and found your album. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I think people don't even know what they want though, and then they just want the picture. If someone's famous on the internet, they'll sit through whatever just for the picture so they can post it on the internet and get their likes for being with a person that's famous on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like going on morning radio or something and like sometimes people are really great and other times it feels like the radio host is like trying to out-fun to you or, and it's like, I'm just here to try to promote a show. I'm not trying to take your job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's a guy that goes up and like makes weird noises in people's ears in the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the whole idiocracy thing that, that movie where you get to that place where it's like, you just sitting in a chair and, uh, just watching the dumbest. I mean, we're there. Oh, we're at that point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long did it take? 18 minutes. Even when TikTok went from one minute to three minutes, I was like, I don't have time for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a Justin Bieber song one time that was pretty popular and it was like something like, my mama don't like you and she likes everyone. And it's like, it had this real acoustic kind of vibe to it. And it felt like, but it's like listening to that. I'm like, I don't even think about Justin Bieber having a mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Much less his mom meeting his girlfriend. You know what I mean? Like, he obviously has a mom, right? But it's like, he's just such a, uh, uh, musical machine that's been out for so long that it's like, listening, I'm like, I don't even think about, it's not believable to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, exactly. I mean, this could be on me, but I'm just saying when I listen, it just seems emotionless. It seems like they've manufactured soul to go into songs to where you're like, it doesn't really have soul to it, but it feels like it has soul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't be against this class. I wouldn't have guessed, I wouldn't have guessed it. Shake it off, I think is the only one that I really like, but I do like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you submit to Taylor Swift and if she covers it, then you pass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what's great about comedy is with comedy you go on stage and you know whether it's funny or not right away. You don't need to study it. You go up and you do it. If they don't laugh then it's not funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is amazing what a one word or a little just a flip or adding a word, taking out a word, what it can do to a joke. It is, I mean, I've told jokes for a long time and then just change it up one time, not even really thinking about it, but I just change it up in a weird way and it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gets a much bigger laugh and I'm like, oh, I've been doing this joke a different way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a long time and all it took was that little tweak. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, I don't know, I've gone out and stumbled on a couple of jokes in the beginning and then be like, oh man, I gotta get it together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, which is fun. Many times I've gone, listen, that joke's not going anywhere. Let's just settle in here, forget about it, move on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've forgotten a joke midway through and been like, we'll come back to it. And then I try to remember it and then later in the set, come back to it. Sometimes that's gold. Other times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And other times I'll come back to it and do it and then I go, was it worth it? Yeah, maybe. That's like one of those things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get to go to a friend's house who has a jump castle. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can't even get turned down for this, right? Like if you're, if you want to go get a car, they're like really looking at your credit, finding out, but if you're going to college, they're like, yeah, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 64 million? No, way more than that. 640 million.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It was about a thousand. I don't know. I didn't take a lot of classes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just learn to do something. You just learn to do something that could be monetized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a prank, huh? For the rest of the year, if you're a junior, people are just coming by tapping you. Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a thing where, where like one of the Bush daughters said something like at Yale, they say it's, uh, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God and country, something, God, country, family. And he said at Bones, it's, Bones would be first. It would be like Bones, God, country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, we didn't make him do that, we actually told him to slow it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People think stuff is stolen all the time. People are like, I got jokes about blacking out and people are always like, oh, you stole John Mulaney's joke. And I've like, duh, I've like watched every John Mulaney blackout joke and I'm like, these are nothing alike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know colleges well enough. I could name some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like what's the, what's that gonna give ya, going to that school? Sounds great. I guess, yea. Sounds good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's a tuba player in the orchestra get paid?


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[Assistant] Like is that really something to strive to?


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[Assistant] Artist, but I just wonder, like, I mean, if you're a tuba player and you're wanting to go professional, there you go.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if you have that. I remember going to visit it. It'd be nice if you had the letter where they turned you down. That'd be a lot of fun. Yeah.


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[Assistant] So there wasn't enough people at Notre Dame doing that, going come on. Nah, we're respectful about it.


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[Assistant] Just to, maybe they did talk about it, but I didn't. I mean, I think it should be a required course and not a elective or whatever they called them. Yeah. Force it on people. Yes. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I mean, I could have learned that, used that more than I needed geometry.


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[Assistant] Do you take math in society? That was a class I took. The volleyball coach was the teacher.


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[Assistant] Uhm, they told us that math and society would be about learning how to balance your checkbook. But I don't even think we ever talked about that. I couldn't tell you what that class was about.


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[Assistant] And Auburn, they always roll, they always roll tumor's corner with toilet paper after a week. I got a pic of myself as a kid on my mom's shoulders with a little toilet paper in my hair.


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[Assistant] I think that's Auburn, like probably fraternity stuff. Oh, okay. Yeah. Those are Greek letters. It does look, it does look.


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[Assistant] I don't really know what week we're on here, but uhm, I'm out this week. Okay, I got a video that I put out that's a video of me doing a five o'clock somewhere full breakdown. Really great. It's on YouTube. You should check it out. And also I'll be in Greensboro, North Carolina at the Comedy Zone.


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[Assistant] So you're going the viral route. It's not, well, it'll be out when this comes out. It's not out as of, of, you know, when we're recording. Is it like when you shot it?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's got, you know, it's about a eight minute breakdown of me doing the song. It's five o'clock somewhere. It's great.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I'm looking to get the SEO bumped up a bit. Well, you have an act. Yes, I do have an act.


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[Assistant] They had like a backstage area, so I was just sitting from like 12 to what time? We were there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I looked at the names as you were calling them out and I was like, I don't know.


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[Assistant] Well, one observation about the crowd, like you said, it started out really big. It's like a,


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[Assistant] Unless you have kids that do dance recitals, you won't get it, but it's like a kid's dance recital. Once your child dances, people start to fall out.


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[Assistant] Exactly. So it's like once their category was told and whoever won, the whole category would leave. And so the room was getting emptier and emptier by the moment. So all that was left at the very end was.


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[Assistant] We didn't because everybody's really trying to get in. You know, you had like, they said.


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[Assistant] And I'm sure they all went to the red carpet right before. We went earlier and kind of right when it opened.


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[Assistant] Quote, got it out of the way. So because they said crowded and packed up and all this, so we were like.


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[Assistant] And it was hot. It was like 90, almost 90 degrees or something, so. So we went very early.


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[Assistant] I think they were barely taken. That was like a plan for me to go in and then come out, but I think I left too soon.


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[Assistant] So you have to like walk in and they say, you know, stop on every X and there's sets of photographers as you go down. So they were like, you know, Laura do like one or two of them. And then they were like, come back. And I was like, no, no, I didn't get my second one. Was it fun?


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[Assistant] They are like, you know, the person goes, hey, come too.


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[Assistant] Cause people would go to the bathroom and then come back and.


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[Assistant] They kind of body moved her out of the way.


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[Assistant] We think she's highly intoxicated and she goes, no, I'm not. And then I think they took her like out out.


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[Assistant] They were actually, they were very nice to her cause they would shoo her away and then she would just come back. So, but it was pretty cool seeing all the security guards and the staff, the ushers there.


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[Assistant] Because it's like Las Vegas, so they're like, kind of, you know, I don't know.


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[Assistant] A little bit, yeaah, so they're like really cool looking, but like super professional, like no, you're not getting past here, you go that way. I don't know, it's cool.


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[Assistant] Well, that, that guy that left a million times, we had two or three seat fillers sit next to us and he would come back and, I mean, people don't know that's who it is. They think it's just someone else sitting in their seat cause they've been in their own world, not watching it like we were watching. And so they come back like,


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[Assistant] This is my seat. And she's like, I know, I'm sorry. You know, and she would run away.


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[Assistant] Hello folks. Welcome to the Nate land podcast. I'm neighbor gets the Brian Bates, Aaron Weber.


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[Assistant] Did you know 2 out of 3 men will experience some form of hair loss by the time they are 35. Take action and prevent hair loss. Go to keepskeeps.com slash nate to get your first month of treatment for free. That is keeps.com slash nate for your first month free.


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[Assistant] Shout out to our sponsor from the makers of Helix, the most comfortable mattress ever comes all form.


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[Assistant] Easily customizable sofas, armchairs, love seats and more. All form delivers directly to your home with fast free shipping. You can assemble all the furniture yourself in minutes. No tools needed right now.


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[Assistant] Allform is offering 20% off all orders for our listeners at Allform.com slash Nate. That is 20% off all orders at Allform.com slash Nate.


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[Assistant] Hello folks, doing it again. I guess we do it twice. Uh, like I said, welcome to Nate Land podcast. Happy you guys are here. Uh, as you know, this is one of the episodes I get, we've already been talking about a bunch of probably, uh, we've been, I've been gone for one month. So I'm out on the road getting in amazing shape. I hope you come back so fat dude.


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[Assistant] Alright everybody, we're going a different comedy route, more the Chris Farley.


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[Assistant] He go, what is his real job? He's a barber.


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[Assistant] You're enormous. You're gigantic. I'm beached well walking in here. Uh, no, it's gonna, it'll be great. I mean, we'll see. Yeah. I've been like going crazy cause it's like, I know it's like, we're going to reel it in and I can, I mean, I've gotten like, I'm pretty big now.


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[Assistant] I don't know what I'll weigh. I need to weigh myself. I don't think I'm 200, but like, I mean, I could, like, I have a belt that I put on and, uh, it's down to the last circle and like, it's last hole, I guess. Last notch. Last notch.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, well, it's like, it's funny just to, it's almost good for me to see it to be like, yeah, dude, it doesn't take, you know, I've been, I was, my waist would get down as jeans. I can wear there to 32 and stuff. And like, I mean, you're like, you're down there. And then now I, uh, you know, it's a.


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[Assistant] It goes the other way and it gets there quick. Oh yeah. Yeah. Pretty crazy.


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[Assistant] Uh, alright, we'll start off with some of you guys' comments. Uh, Michelle Chapman, Nate's laugh is the best when he gets really tickled. Best podcast that covers all the first world problems, margarine versus butter, jam versus jelly, the great ketchup refrigerator debate. Do they have a podcast category at the Grammys? Uh, we call, uh,


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[Assistant] Harper's, my wife's, my mother-in-law, she's called Grammy. So, I don't know, do they? No, they don't do a podcast category at the Grammys.


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[Assistant] Uh, thank you Michelle. Trey McIntosh. Hey Nate, you are mine and my fiance's Sydney's favorite comedian, but I can't get her into podcasts. What is your best idea for me to get her to watch you and Barnaby Jones argue over how to say words in air and laugh condescendingly at both of you? Conden, condescendingly. Condescendingly. Condescendingly.


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[Assistant] Condescending. Oh. Sascending. Let's see.


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[Assistant] In the condescending. The second C. Uh huh. Oh, I pronounce it. Second science. Condescending. So if I said it like that.


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[Assistant] Well, that's pretty funny word. They've made some words that are pretty funny that you're like, yeah, they really work out. Skyance. Think about that. Skyance? Oh, science. That's how science is spelled. Yeah. Yeah. Skyance.


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[Assistant] That first guy that did it, what if the first guy that came up with that word wanted it to be Skyance? It never took off.


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[Assistant] And now it's just science. I guess that's science for you. That's science for you.


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[Assistant] If you wanted to get in a podcast, I wouldn't start here and.


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[Assistant] I mean, you'd be, you know, it, it really, I think podcasts are people's time. Like do they, you know, it's like your job, you have a drive, you have a.


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[Assistant] It's like that kind of thing. I think it's easy if you can upload them easy to like sometimes it's hard to think.


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[Assistant] I don't know dude, I gotta get my phone and do a whole thing. Am I gonna like, you know, and people are just like, ah, just turn on the radio. I don't, you know, I think it's just, yeah, it's time. You listen a lot of podcasts? I do. When do you do it? Drives?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like when you're driving, like, or, you know, or if you can have it on, if you're doing stuff around the house or whatever. It's really a time, like if you have time for something.


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[Assistant] But ours is, I think ours is good because you don't have to pay attention too much. So that's the point of it.


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[Assistant] Yes, we're not looking to be your main thing.


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[Assistant] Turn it down a little bit. Yeah, we should be in more dinner parties. Yeah, Trey, have a dinner party.


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[Assistant] Uh, John Berry. I know Nate gets a lot of flack for potential being potentially.


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[Assistant] Being dis, I almost said dyslexic. I don't mean, I was close. Dyslexic. Dyslexic. Cause I get hung up on potentially and then I'm dyslexic.


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[Assistant] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't just come flowing numbers around. I don't know what that means.


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[Assistant] Uh, I think it boils down to how you originally learned how to read.


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[Assistant] Apparently reading clicked for me by memorizing words. I commonly see.


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[Assistant] Until I have essentially memorized every word I run into. My wife on the other hand, learned to read by actually sounding out all the individual phononics.


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[Assistant] He's, John Barry's got to write a new comment and go, after you read that, Nate, I don't know what's going on. So good news, Nate may not be dyslexic. However, Nate may not know how to read. I mean, it's a bunch of that.


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[Assistant] I know how to read, but it's like, just leave me alone. Like, don't ask me about it. But if you're like, no, we need you to read with people. You're like, ah, come on, man. I'm not going to be, don't make me up there. Go read, read something in front of people as we do this podcast. They can only take a little bit of this.


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[Assistant] Brandi K, y'all had a breath of fresh air with your best guest yet, Leanne Morgan. She inspired me to start standup comedy and now I am insufferable. There you go. Here's advice I need. How do you guys work out your new bits? I keep trying to run them by my husband Bill, but he is so over it.


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[Assistant] Please either give me some better advice or tell Bill to get over it, being over it, get over it, being over it. We're both listening, many thanks. Uh, yeah, I mean, I think.


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[Assistant] I always think a good way is try to mix them in some conversation. Like when you try to tell a story, I think it makes you sound more conversational on stage.


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[Assistant] So you see if, now if you're doing a real jokey joke, it might be a little difficult, but like whatever your idea is, just try to do it to some friends or try to, and try to really, you don't want them to know that you're trying this.


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[Assistant] You can't just be like sit down, but you know, you need a friend that is able to handle that. Probably not your husband. I wouldn't do that to Laura.


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[Assistant] You want someone else, find out, you have a friend that's a good laugher. I would have buddies, Pete, Jeremy Morrow, like I'd call him. Jeremy would laugh at anything. So if you want just some confidence in a joke, I could tell him and he would, he would be dying. And so like, you know, you have a friend that's like willing to, you know, you know, they're going to laugh a lot. Call them. They like enjoy hearing stories, you know.


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[Assistant] Nat Tanner, I'm Nate Tage and what I've noticed as you get older is every generation seems to watch the shows they watch in their 20s or maybe early 30s the most. I noticed the generation that grew up with westerns loves, westerns love them and I hate old westerns.


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[Assistant] I think it's a comfort level and like Nate said, you don't have to follow these shows close because you know them well. That's true. I'm not a western guy.


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[Assistant] People love them, but people my age love them and you love them. Gun smoke.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. What memories does it bring back? Are you like, ah, he pushed me on a swing one time.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's the memory he brings back? Yeah. That's funny that everybody says it brings back memories. You go, what are the memories? No, it's just a memory. I watched, I remember I watched this with my grandfather. So it brings back one memory? You go, yeah, I remember him. So that's the bringing back memories.


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[Assistant] I think you should say that though, instead of memories. That's a little, like that's a more pleasant thing to hear. That brings back memories. You're like, all right, who cares? Well, my dad, the way he laughed at the shows, well, that's beautiful. Well, we didn't watch Westerns together, so that's why I said it, but. Cop, you watched cop stuff? Me and my dad?


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[Assistant] Unreal. Liam Unruh. Unruh. You think it's Liam Unruh? You think the sentence is about to keep going? They go, I'm Liam Unruh.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's it? Yeah, that was it. Under what? Under what, yeah.


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[Assistant] Uh, it's a new word. I got, uh, you know, what is it? What do you say? What happens? You get, uh, what's now?


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[Assistant] Yeah, what is it when someone and I'm, uh, much like they would cover new words and try to sound... He never gave it a term. Yeah. No, but I like the way he said it. Confront it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so I was confronted with, whoa, you get into a sentence and you go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where'd this sentence come from? Uh, watched in uh, jealous of all the people heading into


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[Assistant] Peter for some laughs, wishing there was some way to sneak in. Can't wait till you guys come up to Winnipeg. Keep it up. Yes, Liam, we will, I'll be at Winnipeg.


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[Assistant] You know what? Dadgum it, Liam. Alright, I'll meet Liam. We're going to meet Liam when you come to the show. Just email the podcast.


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[Assistant] Uhm, alright. But you missed, Liam. Bunch of that on stage for...


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[Assistant] Nate, my wife wants me to get my hair cut like yours. I've asked for the Barghetti cut.


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[Assistant] But the person cutting my hair doesn't have a clue what that is. I saw an old tweet.


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[Assistant] Eric, once I, I mean, I've been working out with him, so I'll figure out what to, or make it the Barghetti.


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[Assistant] Call it, call it the Nate. I don't know what it is. It's, you know, what is it? It's like short here.


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[Assistant] And then it fades up. So I go, I mean, it's not cut right now, but it would be like a fade. So it's like, and then my beard will be like, this is, there's not much here and then it fades up and I have it faded up pretty high and I have a cowlick. I was licked by a cowl at a young boy.


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[Assistant] And so I have a cowlick right there. So I have to always go that way. Have we ever done a cowlick thing? No. Yeah, I would say they get a cowlick. I go, yeah, I got licked by a cow when I was a kid. Can't get away from it.


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[Assistant] Joshua Brubaker. I feel like I've seen the last name Brubaker before.


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[Assistant] I brought, uh, I read it. Yeah, like I was, I was definitely confronted by. Laura put the answer in there for me.


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[Assistant] Yeah. It highlighted it. Laura highlighted sweatshirt.


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[Assistant] Yeah, just in case I, cause I'd be like, I don't know what I bought. Yeah. Yeah. We brought, we got her the sweat, the sweatshirt, apparently a big deal for these kids to wear. So we got her one.


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[Assistant] Aaron went to Notre Dame. Uh, Christopher Stanley.


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[Assistant] Nathaniel mentioned that he has done away with mic stands.


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[Assistant] Was this before or after the shows in Vegas in December? I remember him saying goodnight and walking right into the mic stand on his way out. That is the way I did do that. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and figured it was a tribute to his dad who opened that night in the old clown days. On that subject though.


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[Assistant] Can any of the three gents tell any stories about any embarrassing things that have happened while you were on stage? A trip? A fall? A walk? Oh.


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[Assistant] A wardrobe malfunction, et cetera. You guys are literally the greatest. Uh, thank you, Chris, Christopher. Uh, yeah, that night, that was pretty embarrassing. I mean, I had the mic set there and I think I already started not using the mic. And then we went back to the mic stand just cause my dad and Nick were there.


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[Assistant] And so I've kind of forgot about me moving it. And so I just turned and I walked right into it.


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[Assistant] Uh, so that, I mean, that was kind of embarrassing. I mean, that's, you know, gracefully is people will give you this big applause and you're like, I did it. And you just said, I walked into a rake and you're just like, Oh, uh, that I think I talked about it recently. I had a sneeze.


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[Assistant] That was, that's not great. Uh, I've had my zipper down, you know, I check it so much now, but I've had that.


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[Assistant] And my haircut in the Comedy Central special, we talked about that?


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[Assistant] Yeah. No, no, but the hair mess up in it.


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[Assistant] One, I have one side that swoops down on the left side is a big swoop and then other jokes it's not. And my hair was different in both shows. So it cuts back and forth. So, I mean, some people have noticed it. Not everybody's noticed it, but those are mine.


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[Assistant] That'd be tough to get, you know, that'd be tough to get over. Did you address it?


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[Assistant] I would have to address it. I would, I mean, if I ever spilt, I mean, I've spilt water on me before, like, and I'll have to be like, I didn't pee my pants. I'm gonna walk out, it's the first thing I'll say. If I have something wrong, I'm gonna, there's no way for me not to say it.


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[Assistant] You used enough that you dropped it in the front?


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[Assistant] What are you not, are you not describing them good enough that you gotta...


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[Assistant] Yeah, you gotta be like, so I'm walking with this lady.


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[Assistant] All right, so me and my wife, Graal, she's mic standing, right? Everybody can see it? So here we go. And then I turn and I bump into it.


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[Assistant] I would always, they have two, like, I remember my agent, my old college, uh, when I do colleges, my writers said to have two stools. Ever said that? And so they would, and so they'd always have two stools on stage and I would just go, and I don't even, like you get writers, I think I've talked about this, but you get them from like just old different acts and whatever.


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[Assistant] And then you're like, why do I have two stools? And I just would always have two stools. I'm like, I don't even, I mean, I just use a stool to, you set your water down there. I borderline don't even need one.


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[Assistant] And then you're, but then now I've got two of them and I don't use them. I realize sometimes they're used if someone sits on this stool.


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[Assistant] And they have their water on one stool. But I'm not using either stool.


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[Assistant] So then you're like, this guy just looks like he's like, I'd like a couple stools out there if you don't mind. Like when you don't touch them, everybody's like, why would you have all those, I'd just like to be out there with a couple stools. Spread them out.


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[Assistant] The best friend forever, Jay Cutler, at the Salt Lake airport, even being a huge Bear fans growing up, all I want to say to him was, uh,


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[Assistant] I love you on Nate land. I refrained because he was there with his three kids wondering where your take is on being approached while you are with, uh, your family. I think Jay's a reasonable person. That's, that's my joke. I got, I got Jay would have bitten your head off. Uh, I don't talk to Jay when he's near me. No, I think Jay would have been.


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[Assistant] I have no idea how Jay handles that. Jay's famous where you're like, this happens all the time. I have people, I've had people come up when I've been with my family, like, but I don't, it's not enough that.


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[Assistant] I don't think I've had it enough where I'm like, you know, I like the old, like, it's like, you know, the reason I even were probably getting to be on that trip is because you watch my stuff.


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[Assistant] So I'm always super appreciative, uh, of it.


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[Assistant] You know, I don't get like if you're with your family, it's like yeaah, don't, it's like, I don't want you to.


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[Assistant] You maybe don't be as aggressive as if I was alone. Yeah. But it's like saying a hi or something, like I don't mind. I haven't, sometimes they want a picture and they'll be like, oh, Harper can be in the picture. And there's some of that where you're like, ah, she doesn't need to be in the pic- like I'll just take it with you.


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[Assistant] But it's just almost like, eh, there's no reason to drag her in this pic. Like she, you know, or like Laura, there's sometimes be like, you know, sometimes Laura doesn't, she's, you know, we're in the airport. She doesn't want to be in the picture. I'll take pictures all day. I'll take one of your family as you walk by. I'll take just me and your family and we'll all leave. I'll go ride with your family.


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[Assistant] Stuart Oehler, Nate, my fiancée, fiancée.


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[Assistant] My fiance and I watched a new Netflix special and we need to know what kind of, uh, what kind of your mom's pants did your dad wear to that funeral? Who wore them better in your opinion?


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[Assistant] So this is also highlighted, Walmart White Stag. I don't know what that means. I don't either.


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[Assistant] They wore, oh, Walmart white stag pants is the pants my dad wore. So my mom had, my mom buys her pants at Walmart.


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[Assistant] I get it. I would wear them. Yeah. We shop at Walmart. We buy our clothes in just, uh, just bags.


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[Assistant] That's how Dan Soder bought his Levi's. That's the best we've walked into Walmart. He bought them in bulk, right? He bought them in bulk. We're in the middle of Pittsburgh or somewhere, just at a Walmart. And he goes, give him some jeans, bought six of them. Just, they were like wrapped all together. Like Jane Soder, he's like, yeah, good. You know, this is how I wear my jeans. Uh, yeah. Walmart white stack.


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[Assistant] Jeremy Donovan, on a previous podcast you talked about golf etiquette and people staring down the ball in mid-flight for too long. I'm an avid golfer and completely agree.


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[Assistant] However, I had one situation where I should have, but didn't. On a par three, I hit the hosel of my iron and the ball went out of bounds.


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[Assistant] I teed up another ball and struck it well. I immediately turned away out of frustration, but also because I thought it would be rude to stare down a third shot on a par three to see where my soon-to-be bogey putt would land. As I walked to the court, I heard my friend shout in celebration as my ball fell into the cup for the best par of my life.


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[Assistant] To this day, my friends make fun of me for not seeing it go in. Would you have watched a shot in that situation or turned down and pouted the way I did it? That's, that's, I understand the situation that you were in. I think you handled it, you handled it the better way. I'd rather you, you be you missing it than you be you watching it.


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[Assistant] Cause then, cause then if you would've watched it, it's like you watch it for the reason.


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[Assistant] Uh, and if someone wants to watch, like I get, want to watch their shot, there is, it's not long. There's just a few extra seconds, but it's like, just get, you know, get your tea and as you watch it, just kind of walk off. Like that let the other person start teeing up. Just staying there the whole time. Yeah. It's like, it's when they stay in there the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and then they turn their foot, clubs in, then they gotta, then they gotta get their tea. That's my joke, cause I always, when someone, like, I know he turns his foot. But, uh, when someone does it, I'm like, you got everything? You got your keys, wallet? Like, it looks like they're just being like, do I have everything before I get out of here? Uh, so it's like, you just grab it and just kind of walk off. But, uh, yeaah, I think you would, as you hit it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I would do what you did. I'd maybe be watching it as I walked to the cart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, maybe walk a little slow if it's like, man, that's a good, it's right online. It's even better. You know, Jeremy, I like that you are you. So there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you've been listening to the show for a while, you have heard me talk about our Helix mattress. We really love it. Well, Helix has left the bedroom and started making sofas and more. They just launched a new company called Allform and they are already making the best sofas we, best, best,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, spill, stain, scratch-resistant, color, legs. I mean, you can do it, whatever. You can make it all your own thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the office we, uh, have the armchair with the sand fabric with the natural wood legs. It is really comfortable, roomy. I sit on it all the time. Uh, they even offer a forever warranty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally forever. I really think that is very cool. To find your perfect sofa or chair, check out allform.com slash nate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Allform is offering 20% off all orders for our listeners at Allform.com slash Nate. A-L-L-F-O-R-M dot com slash Nate for your new favorite sofa. That is 20% off all orders at Allform.com slash Nate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so go check that out. Also, guys, keep, uh, uh, give, as we talked about earlier, give keeps a try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they got you. Let me see it. Can we see it? Alright. Alright. No, it does like mine. It just goes back to your forehead. You're alright. I think you're alright. I might need to hop on keeps though. Hey, I'd keep an eye on it. And I would go to keeps. Like that's what you do. He wishes he would have found out about keeps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't know, it was two, you know, 35, past 35, he remembers when that was. It was the 90's. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 50 million men in the U.S. suffer from male pattern baldness. Uh, there are only two FDA approved medications that can prevent hair loss and keeps offers both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has, keeps us more five-star views than any of its competitors. Treatments take, you know, four to six months to see results, so act fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're ready to take action and prevent hair loss, go to keeps.com slash nate to receive your first month of treatment for free. That is keeps.com slash nate to get your first month free, keeps.com slash nate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, everybody, uh, we are here with, uh, Dusty Slay. Uh, he, uh, has, uh, he's on the standups, the, uh, the new season, season three. Uh, people have been talking about it. People have been, you're, you're part, you killed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To mix that. It's a, it's a pump to be there, but they have expectations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, but that's where your job comes in to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you gotta go, alright, I gotta, you wanna exceed their expectations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you gotta be aware of it, cause then you can tell if you're like, cause I think that's, this is, you're at a spot where it's like, it can go two ways. You can either just ride the crowd that's laughing at you and no matter what, they're just, they like you and they're happy to be there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you don't get better as a comic. Or, which I think you're this comic of, you're aware of it, the fact that you're aware of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you go like, well let me make, cause you know what's good and what feels weird and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well it's great dude, that's awesome. You're, uh, very funny, deserve it all, uh, earned it all. And it's, yea, the ride, the ride begins dude, it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I get that. Hermitage gets, you know, Old Hickory Hermitage is where I grew up. Yeah. And so it's, we get hit. We get hit. Yeah. Tornadoes just are drawn to it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Floods. Tornado. High school's been flooded. High school's been, do you have to say about tornado?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well this week we're gonna, uh, talk about dinosaurs. And you know, you're, you know a lot about dinosaurs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I played, uh, yeah, I loved, uh, I mean, Jurassic Park is my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my favorites, Scream and Jurassic Park was one of my favorite movies. I loved it. Like they got the new one coming out. I know I talk about new movies, but I'm like a hypocrite that I'm also fine with it. If it's my movie that I want to see, I'm like, well, they should do it again. But it's the other one. I think it's supposed to be the final one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, that was like kinda, yeaah. I love Jurassic Park. There's just no movies like that. Like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, that's crazy. They had, if you Googled that, they thought they had two brains because they're just too big. They're like, well, how's it going to talk to the other one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was just probably like, I look at a lot of stuff, always like a scientist, no matter what, they're just gonna get like, it's a long day. And then they're like, well, how do they move their legs? And the guy's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's another brain down there. And they go, oh, is there? He goes, yeah, I don't, you know, and he's just like, yeah, I got to get out of here. Like, I'm, you know, and then it's just, and then they move on and then that just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we get a doctor to come in? Maybe he roams around down there a little bit. He doesn't do that. Yeah, he's a smart dude. Let me get a doctor and a lawyer to go down there. We just throw them down there and they count and they talk about some stuff down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we're going with James Cameron. Alright, alright, he made Titanic. I get it, an avatar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how old anyone is. He looks like the lawyer that was defending dinosaurs that they're proven. Like he goes, no they were real. And you're just like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't buy that at all. Yeah. That's like annoying when you're like, alright, you know what I mean, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, you know, like we're all kind of related. And like, so that would be like, you know, anybody I see on TV, you know, I don't, you know, they're like, ah, Prince.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Henry, I'm like, that's my cousin. What does he do next? What did he do? Like, I don't know anybody's name, but is it Prince Henry? Is that somebody?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Prince Harry? Yeah, Prince Harry. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I'm just trying to think of it crazy, you know. You see Meryl Streep? Oh, that's my aunt. What'd she do? Like just everybody. Cause technically you're like, well, we're all kind of related. And that's what I feel like when they say, well, Humminbird's a dinosaur. You're like, well, you're, you're annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so there's, I go to, when I go to Utah, uh, they have a family tree


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 15 that were. So you're like, only, the only two people not related to me, you're like, well, I guess I want to talk to them. How are they not related? Like everybody else is, uh, related. Like it was, it's, it's, everybody's like cousins and Walt Disney, like everybody's got, eventually we all got the same kind of, there's a way to get back to everybody. You know, it's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I know. Well, I get that. I'm saying this couldn't, so like having feathers is just annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It looks like you're just going somewhere. You're like, you got a dinner tonight? You're like, no, it's just how I look every day. Seems like they need to drug test the scientific.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is like science should be more fun where you're like, but we also don't know. Like they should say that every now and again. Exactly. Just to go, but it could change. We're always looking at like, make it like fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got to swim like a duck when you put your head down and his butt sticks up in the air. That's how they'd have to swim. Cause the other one could handle it. And he just has to, he comes up and breathes and then he's like, uh, his butt's like freezing. And then he has to go back under and they get a good ways away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yeah. And it looks like, yeah, it almost looks like you would be like, can we call it over? Cause the colors would, you know, and then you would be like, golly, I wish it didn't have those enticing feathers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, yeah, they act like that's our fault now. Like it's like, everybody complains, you know, like, Hey, we were, we're new here. You're like, we're here though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, what do you want me to do? Like, it's like, we're, we're doing what we can. Quit making me feel bad. Like, well look at us, we're the ones ruining it. They got the earth blown up a hundred times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Several times. Several times they were getting just destroyed by meteor, like, they walked around and called them climate change, and they probably went through just all kinds of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Jurassic Park, I think, chose them together. But I guess they remade those dinosaurs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they, uh, see us take a tourist never even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they started, they go, cause it's all kind of like X it ends with and then trans-saurus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everybody, Trinosaurus, X, X, and then someone just goes, ooh, we split it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she starts going, this is my daughter, Susie. Oh, hi Susie, Susie Rex. Oh, pleasure to meet you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We always thought as Astro, you say meteor. Uh, where do you get off? Yeaah. I had no idea those were different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Borderline doesn't believe in them, but let's, let's dive into the asteroid meteor. Yeaah. Yeaah, I thought they were the same thing too. But I'm sure there's a difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now something's lived. It just gets stuck. It can't go any farther. I think it can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the smoke eventually, cause it's, but the spaceship goes, like it's a point, and it goes right through it. It just stabs right through it. It just stabs right through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he only went up, that's like a loose where they go, we went to space and it's like, didn't they go just kind of high in the sky?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're like, ah, we were in space. You're like, eh, so it leads to the astronauts. Like they're, you know, they're the ones that are way up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we live through global warming, so we shouldn't even be worried about it because we're, we crushed it that first time and now we're crushing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Created us. Created us. So why don't we worship it a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, I think our attitude towards it's wrong and we should be trying to speed it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This isn't like tomorrow, it's millions of you. You're like, there's a lot of like gray in that million. Yeah, there's a lot of like, what about this period? And it goes, it was, you know, you were like half one, half the other. That was like 10 years was just like, you know, you have to just use your arms because you have fish legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No tornadoes. No global warming. You don't have to worry about hurricanes, you just go down. I mean, are they below? They don't go that low, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then it starts rising up. And then the land just came out of the ocean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or an asteroid. Bam, bam, bam. And a lot of smoke happened. Crazy, couldn't get out cause we haven't, cause no one's gone up. Only the mammal survived.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So could I, if I want my family to breathe underwater, could I go live in water right now? And then, then, you know, Harper's and I make Harper live in water and then Harper's kids will be able to breathe a little more underwater. Like Kevin Costner. Yeah. Yeah. Like eventually, eventually you're going to be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in a few million years, those Bargettsis, we have to go get everything for y'all when you drop them in the pool. Cause we got a nice little company built out for us. Cause I, cause I planned for this. It's a long game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Civilization. Civilian station.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, well you're right. So a spoon though, you ain't gonna get no dinosaur bones. When did we get a pretty decent shovel? Like I bet the 1800s was like, shovel, the shovel world blew up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that shovel's dumb, you ain't go dig down to find a dinosaur bone. It's like made the fabrics weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well the, the water in the land is still rising, so you're like, every day is like just soggy socks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What uh- Like they think it's weird that we're like, y'all went and searched them out and they were everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they don't want to cut it open and see the rings. What would you, which one would you cut open if you had to? Cause one of them you gotta be like, well, it's not going to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, Hey, what's this? He goes, I don't know. My daughter like made it. I stepped on it all the time. It's a dumb toy. And you're like, we, lots of people worship it now. So it's not a big deal though. He goes, no, I don't know. I got it. Like our, our Walmart is that simple of an answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well your toe, I bet it's like, uh, I bet it all goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, frontwards or backwards. So it's like your, you know, it's like your toes, nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eventually you're like, golly, and there's a moment. Yeah, it goes that way. And then there's a moment of just like, you're like, you look rough. Logged back hair. Yeah. I mean, there's just, uh, probably a hundred years of just like, oh my good, look at these. Just some of the ugliest people on earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no. You could have turned around and then got the other half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to think it was a thing moving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just say, scientists say that. Did you know what that word meant? Substantiated? Yeah. Oh, you know, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the line drawn? Cause the line right here is that a bunch of asteroids hit this earth and killed all these dinosaurs. So where's the line where you go, that's, don't be ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can take one more of you in here, and then I think it's too crowded otherwise. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll soar through this. They were over there too busy, Jen. They go, I think the new world is up. Like we're, look, we have feathers. So eventually we're going to go up and he, but he knew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and wait, that thing, it used to be out there, it's not out there no more? Mhm. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do they know this stuff goes extinct? Do they just go, alright, I've looked everywhere? Stop running into them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh yeah, like early, like the- They just found-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is funny because there's a moment if someone said, I think there's gorillas, they would go, you're a lunatic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they never found each other. They never, that's the point of the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, it's, they never, one of them got out of the water. And that's against the rules. Uh, that's all, what is, alright, what's Marco, who is- He was the explorer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is he just a game now? The kids play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two brains. Two egos. Must've had two, three, four brains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, that's, I mean, that's, how is that game, that's so fun, there's no way the game came from there. He's like, so we did that as a family and then I told it on my podcast and everybody started playing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wrote down my journal, said we should play a game. Marco Polo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all the, that's the communication. You're learning how to converse at a high level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By going to say the two words back and forth, I guess Marco, hello. That doesn't make sense. And you go, uhm, the kids out there learning, I think he's going to be one of those brain boys. Children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He made everything. And God just goes, Joe, come here, come here. No, look around the corner. He goes, what is that? He doesn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're thinking about like a dog when you cut its tail off. Yeah. And it's a little nub. Like a snout. Like a pit bull thing. Like a snout. Yeah. Yeah. Pit bull. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They started driving, they had trouble with it. They drove with both feet. They go, this isn't for us. And then the dolphin family started just like, they all moved to the beach. Then they, then the next generation lived way steep in the water and they worked their way back into just finally. And then one dolphin goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wouldn't there have to be a first one? Like there's got to be one that's like, when they're, when it goes out to land and back, there has to be one that was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody else is like, you sure you don't want to be up here with us? You know, it's a wife going, I mean, we got invited to this dinner. It's just, it's up there on the sand. And he goes, I don't, I don't think I'm them anymore. I think I'm, I'm supposed to be here. I don't fit in, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely agree. You don't want to walk up on a monkey and then be alone and like, you're like, this is no good. I understand that. But I think, yeah, we, I wonder if the families would be like, you know, the crooked backs are looking at the straight backs and they're like, coming in, he hits his head on the top of the door on purpose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it is funny though, like a guy, you're like, well you play basketball and stuff and you're on a podcast now, so I wouldn't worry too much about it. Like there's a mix of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you go, yeah, you know, it's like, well, I just don't, I mean, I like that he doesn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's just, it is, when you really think of this and you're like, well, I just don't get it. You're like, yeah, I don't think you're looking into it either. Like, I think you're just, like you're this breezed by subject is, you know, what you think so? Like sometimes it's like, you're not really diving into it to really get the real answers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you know how to build your body, I mean, it's kind of the same way where maybe they're not built, like maybe we're doing it wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if we were like in the- We can see our body. I know, but we built the dinosaur like our body and then they come back and they're like, what are you doing? And the brain, they grab the brain, put it in the butt and they go, there's nothing up there. His brain was always down here. This is what most of the work's being done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so Noah just grabbed the alligators and was like, these will probably grow. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But. Well, it's like everything is with it. You're just like, yeah, it all changes. We know you learn more and more and more and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's cause it's built out of rock or something like that. You're saying they can figure out bones? Cause they can find bones. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 184, I would just go any, any of the 84's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny because he definitely doesn't believe in dinosaurs. Uh, that's why he has so much hard time at school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, he goes, yeah, right. And then during his dinosaur class, he walked around the other table and goes, give me a break, right? Cole, could you sit down please? Uh, Trial Bike, it's 300 million years old. I wouldn't think that you would just put it in a box, but I guess there's plenty of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Morocco, Africa. Wow. 300 million years old, huh? Where did he get these? It really takes you back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean 300 million years old, it is crazy to be like, and like, how am I touching it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, why would they not build houses out of, they should just go, we should use this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not. It's glue dipping. Ah, man. Trial, trilobite nose, eyes. That looks like a regular roadblock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this one, this one looks like a rock and they just, like if you stared at this one,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a long time, I would, I would wait for the moment someone goes, Hey, that's, it's a regular rock. Someone put it up there as a joke. And that's what I think. Oh, okay. Sorry. That's limestone. Yeah. He would be like, I guess I see it there. Then someone goes, give it, that's a regular rock. That's not a, that doesn't look like, that doesn't have any, I can't see. This is pretty crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But what'd you do? Just get a T-Rex and just throw him out in the Yosemite Park and now everybody's got to deal with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now, so when I put this shirt on, I'm always a little chilly cause my older brother, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I guess he came to Veloc, boy T-Rex would have probably become the Velociraptor. Cause they look alike. And then the Velociraptor came, that teenage boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine what if you were in that mid transformation and then you come back and you're like, you're the velociraptor dinosaur. And then like you're, you've missed like two and now it's that kid and you're going, what are y'all doing? This is what everybody's doing now. He goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why does everybody have to change? That is interesting too. Why does everybody change versus some? What do you mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess because you're saying like the smarter ones then breed and the other ones die off and then now there's this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There has to be something in science that's just wrong. Cause the guy was like, I'm just not going to believe in it. Like, or like he's going to be like, I'm going to just like that. Like Terry actor one day he goes in and goes, I just found out last night. Couldn't sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's a close cousin of the dinosaurs. They were the first animals


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could be them, like that's if I could start living in the water. You could be. Someone had to start that for those guys. There's some great, great, great grandfather that they should be like, we know how to fly because of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the great thing is the fact that, Dusty, you're here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To say I, you, you're basically going like, Hey, I don't believe in dinosaurs, but I am going to sell the dragon thing pretty hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It folks it and you saw everything just zoop out and you go, it's a beautiful day today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Solved it. We did it. Uh, I don't know when this is coming out, but it's, uh, uh, DustySlay.com. Is that here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get to do all marriage stuff. I like your just website showed up. Comedian Brian Bates, I can't believe it's not better, just his brianbates.com shows up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Good work dude. No idea. Give or take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you keep it under the wraps for a little bit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nate Land is produced by Nate Land Productions and by me, Nate Bargetzi and my wife, Laura, on the All Things Comedy Network.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to catch us next week on the Nateland Podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, well this shirt, Kevin, our friend Kevin makes this shirt. I don't think I've ever worn it on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But to your point, I did when Ruth had the high blood pressure, we had to go to the ER. I was wearing this shirt and they're checking us in and I see the woman just kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's the tops. I think that's the tops. You're not doing that too bad for yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this next to Mel? Related to Marissa Torme? Different spelling.


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[Assistant] Yeah, uh, Mel Torme. Mel Torme I knew, but one that he gave that I had no idea is, uhm,


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[Assistant] When I think Jerry's parents think he's running low on money and they call the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's the Cadillac episode. They call the club and they're like, they didn't have you listed. And he says, oh, I go by myself. I go by Slappy White. Slappy White. Do you know who that is? Uh, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a veteran Chitlin Circuit comedian and he traveled with Red Fox and he was on Sanford and Son and when Red Fox finally made it,


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[Assistant] On Saffron Sun, he booked all his former friends, had never done anything, uh, and he was one of them.


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[Assistant] All those guys were comedians. The woman who played Ed Esther, she was a comedian on what they call the Chitlin Circuit.


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[Assistant] He would tell them, find a spot in the show for this guy. And then they would just have to do it.


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[Assistant] But so funny that Jerry, Slappy White is such a very unique reference.


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[Assistant] Big thank you to our new sponsor, Allbirds. When you get my age, a big part of shoe putting on is tying them. You don't want to do it. With Allbirds, you can just slip them on. I love it. Get your Allbirds Wool Dasher Missile today at Allbirds.com. That's A-L-L-B-I-R-D-S.com.


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[Assistant] Or something like, yeah, the five people you're closest to is how you're going to act.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but somebody I guess realized there wasn't a word to describe the fear of


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[Assistant] Long words and they just to be funny, so this make a really long word. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I think it would have to be like the Krispy Kreme challenge, really edited down.


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[Assistant] I missed, you remember that part three? I missed a short putt for birdie.


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[Assistant] And I just, 15 years this week, I took my first stand-up comedy class. Oh wow.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you got it right that time. Basically, even though his wife found out it was a nightmare from you, she still was nice enough to buy him tickets to see.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm impressed that every, they can do that every week. It's a totally different message.


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[Assistant] Yeah. When I used to drive for Uber, you'd never know you're going to pick up. Never knew you were going to pick up. I mean, it could be somebody to shout out. Did you ever get recognized or have you ever yet?


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[Assistant] I don't think they ever did, but I always worried or I didn't really worry about it.


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[Assistant] I mean, I used to have a joke about it. I would start right after the show. So sometimes I turn it on and they could be right there at the club and I just take them home.


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[Assistant] I was already downtown, so I've just turned it on when I left. I would though, make sure I got away from like things or something.


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[Assistant] No, I'd have to, I mean, it's not hard, but you just gotta update your license and your, uh, proof of insurance. I could probably do it this afternoon.


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[Assistant] Did we talk about this on the John Reap episode? I feel like.


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[Assistant] He's asking him questions in the interview about the procedure, things like that.


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[Assistant] I told you the story about going to have a spot root for my face. And they told me to put on a hospital gown and I'd never, I've never been in the hospital.


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[Assistant] So I started, I was, for some reason in my head I thought it'd look dumber if I still had my clothes on. So I just started stripping down.


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[Assistant] And right when I just get down to the bar, the nurse knocks on the door and I was like, just a minute. And she's like, it's just me, hon. And I was thinking, man, we just met.


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[Assistant] Just keep blood from like, you know, getting on me cause that.


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[Assistant] But then I have to put it all back on and then he comes in with her and the intern and I'm just like, I know they've been out there talking about me.


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[Assistant] I don't know, but up until then, even when I visit the hospital.


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[Assistant] That's all they were wearing. So I associated with, let's take your clothes off.


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[Assistant] I now go walk. I try to run. I like doing it now because of my new shoes. These guys won't even wait. They're scared, but I'm ready to weigh in because I'm losing weight.


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[Assistant] They're very light. They're very light. You slip them on. It's great. They're very comfortable.


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[Assistant] They're, uh, weather repellent, performance running shoes, the first shoe of its kind, sustainable, made from natural materials with low environmental impact on the planet. Now, if I miss my plane at the airport, running through the airport, I don't even care. Cause I'm, I'm going to make it. Cause my shoes are so comfortable. You're late on purpose. Yeah, absolutely.


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[Assistant] All birds built the wool dasher missile using natural materials to have a low environmental impact so you can break a sweat without breaking the planet.


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[Assistant] This winter, keep your feet cozy and dry with the Allbirds Wool Dasher Mizzle.


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[Assistant] Discover your perfect pair at AllBirds.com today. That's A-L-L-B-I-R-D-S dot com.


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[Assistant] How many of you have been on Total? Late night.


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[Assistant] I've done, I've been to Fallon, Letterman, and Conan.


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[Assistant] So they did a five year analysis of late night TV from 2016 to 2020. What celebrity do you think was on the most? What was the years? 2016 to 2020.


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[Assistant] I ask you this, I don't think you'll, I mean some of you know, but I don't think you'll get it.


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[Assistant] How would I be up there? But that's over, however many, it's more than five years.


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[Assistant] I see a rapper as an actor because then they break it down by which actor was on the most. Brian Cranston. But that was the peak of Breaking Bad. Uh, athlete?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they did, uh, broke it down by who has owned the most athletes, reality stars, actors, stuff like that. Oh, round it out, Ricky Gervais and Nick Kroll. Each had 20 appearances.


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[Assistant] Uhm, oh, Will Forte, Patton Oswalt, Martin Short, each with 19.


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[Assistant] Funny guys. Uhm, uh, Jimmy Kimmel had the most musicians, athletes, and reality stars. Conan had the most comedians.


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[Assistant] So when you walked out, what about it seemed so different than you would have imagined, if anything?


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[Assistant] Uh, or even now if it was our first time, what would it be like?


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[Assistant] I remember maybe the first time you ever went over to the couch after your set when he says, good night, Fallon.


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[Assistant] And I said to you, uh, I think you need to smile more because it made you look worried.


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[Assistant] And you told me you did it next time. You said you thought about that. And then.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And then- See, I take criticism. There's a clip, uh, from a recent- what is this? This shows how far you've come.


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[Assistant] What about daytime? Do you watch daytime? Uhm, no. Do you? Today Show? We don't have the time for that. None of the networks though.


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[Assistant] But the tangles, I mean, that was only her, right?


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[Assistant] It's a little bit like curb your enthusiasm. There's just, there's going to be some like, and then two minutes later, it's just like moved on to something else.


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[Assistant] I was reading about as a fan, the best way to get on TV.


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[Assistant] Morning talk shows, uhm, in New York City is the best, the easiest way to get on.


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[Assistant] Cause they have the crowds outside, and I've been to New York before when Katie Couric and


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[Assistant] Uh, you've never been to one, right? So do you remember what's the ticket process?


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[Assistant] There's a website, One Outa, that I think lists all of the shows.


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[Assistant] On one website, you can go there and try to get on. Some are easier. Valen's one of the hardest ones.


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[Assistant] Some of the other ones are easier. And then Fallon will do a thing where he'll send an intern to a certain part of New York City, and you gotta go find that intern.


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[Assistant] No, but my Chris Clark, who I work with was the one that hired her.


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[Assistant] And when she had her like 50th birthday party on the set and brought in all these celebrities, she flew him in.


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[Assistant] But yea, she was big as it is. I mean, one of the richest people in the world.


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[Assistant] Was it Desperate Housewives? Is that Terry Hatcher? There was a guy on that show who used to be in our sales department at Channel 5. Really?


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[Assistant] James Denton. Mike Delfino is his character name, but James Denton is his real name. Oh. This guy worked with you? I didn't work with him, but he used to be in the sales department at Channel 5.