[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's not something that happens as widely as people make out. I think it's obviously a scary thing. And the idea of it is what puts people off prison in a lot of way, I think. But he said the main thing was he just fought constantly and he was hard as fuck. Like he would fight the guards all the time just for something to do. And they'd beat the shit out of him and he'd fight them back. And that was it. It's just rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to see the football, it was, uh, Timmy, Timmy Mason was up front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it worth all the money? Like in the end? I guess. Like I guess it is, but ah fuck, it just sounds like such a fucking tough life, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to have five plums in my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you were sort of saying like, it was just good enough to write a thousand words a day and you're good, but like, as Pirian rightly said, what if they're like just shit words? You know what I mean? Well, that's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which word processor do you use, flax?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you don't want Google to like turn around and be like, Hey, guess what, ladies and gentlemen, something totally new for Google this year. That's right. Same guys that brought you the car that drives itself and the fucking Google glasses and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got paper trail as well. Timestamp. Good alibi as well. Yeah, I was at home. Murder somebody or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I didn't really get into it either, to be honest. Like, I tried streaming it and playing it and it just didn't do it for me like the first one did. I don't know why. I just couldn't get into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then becoming a porn star. And then, through your job, hating it. Yeah. Hating sex. And porn as well. You'd just be like, oh this is the same formulaic bullshit every day. Oh yeah, let me guess, now she wants anal. Okay, yeah, I knew that was coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many cum shots do I got? Okay, yeah, fine, okay. How much am I gonna get paid for each one? You start to break it down, you get desensitized, you don't enjoy it anymore. And that's the thing, it's not natural. That's what's happening, Lewis, it's not natural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's in on it except for him, and then you get to the end of the movie and you're like, fuck this movie, like what the hell, the whole time? It's like, it's like worse than it was all a dream, like at the end of the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, me too. I'm so fucking out of it, man. Like seriously, a heinous crime could be committed right next to me and I wouldn't even notice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's really stats driven, you know, like places like, uhm, I guess famously like Baltimore on the wire and stuff. There's accounts of cops doing that kind of shit, suggesting stuff to people that they're interrogating to try to press charges and, uhm, you know, push them into jail, get them prosecuted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that they could literally just start closing off cases and numbers and moving on to the next one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, well you can wear them down too, like if they're in the box for a long time and they're getting tired and thirsty and hungry and stuff, it kind of, it is, it's like mild. But it's like torture, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which works if like you can hold them to account and that's, that's the, that's the thing. But if you, if you genuinely, genuinely want some information from them, yeah, you're right. You're never going to get it through torture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw all of series 7 of Law and Order, I know all the tricks in the book, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll never forget it, okay? The time that Carl Kennedy got caught cheating on his wife Susan and neighbors, okay? This was like, I think there was some shit going on in the background of the show or something like that, but when Susan slapped his face, it was for real. Like, you could feel it. Like, I recoiled whilst watching the show Neighbors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they're good actors. Wow. Like that was holy shit. It was crazy. It was really good. But since then, like I think it's ruined it for me now. TV slaps. Like I haven't seen a slap as good as that since.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It brings up a valid point though, like, and I was just gonna ask you about this before, what did you do to prepare for the lineup? Because like, if I was asked to a lineup,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I would dress up. Like I would, I would fucking change my identity completely and like, but I would try to game it because first of all, there's no way I'm getting accidentally fucking picked from a lineup, okay? Like, like I'm, I'm candidate number five and they're like, it's five for sure. No, it fucking isn't, okay? Like I'm not. I didn't, I'm not a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To clock me, like, outside, like after he's done his time and he's out and he's like, you're that fucking guy from the lineup, aren't you? And then he just, like, you know, fucking shanks me in broad daylight, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why? Because it's embedded in our psyche now. We've seen Cain Dingle getting up to no good time and time again on Emmerdale and he just looks, and now I think Ben, unfortunately, is almost like typecast. Everybody thinks he looks like a criminal in this society.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, but the thing is, I was going to say as well is, further to that, if you were going to dress up to try and game the lineup,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which way would you go? Would you go for like the fucking gap pastels? Try to look like really clean cut and shit so that there's no way you could commit a crime? No, no, no, they tell you. Would you go the other way? Like would you fucking get some like fake swastika tattoos on your forehead and stuff like that and just really try to scare the shit out of everybody? Just really go all out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm coming to get you, bitch. Hey, hey listen, I wanna come back to what Flax was down about at the start of the podcast, about gaming, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel you. I've been there many times and it sounds like, you know, me and you, we have the same sort of habits in gaming as well. Like I pick something up, I binge on it for a bit. You know what? Sometimes I don't even finish it and I put it down and I move on the next thing and I'm happy with that. You know, like sometimes something will just really take my interest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, depending on like if I have a week where I can just really fucking play it every day for a couple hours or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can get into the groove with it. Sometimes I put it down stuff. But one thing I've started doing recently, like not recently, but like for a while is I have games that I'll play like on stream or for YouTube or whatever during the day where I have like more time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I play those and then I have like nighttime games that I play as well, like separate games that I know like I'm not really gonna stream or do anything on YouTube around them or whatever, but I just enjoy them and I can play them at night or whatever. So like I've been playing Diablo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I enjoy it, like, from time to time. I come back for a new season, I play it, I get into it. And I just like keep it separate, you know? I keep those worlds...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A part. I think one of the things that sort of almost ruins gaming for you, playing video games as a job, if that's possible, is that you don't have what you used to have. Remember like when you used to work at an office or whatever, and you were away from your house all day. And like, you'd just be like, fuck, I can't wait to get home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sit around my undies and play WoW or something, or whatever. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you've had a full day of not doing that. So you're like, I'm really looking forward to this. This is going to be great. Like it's just going to be so chill. I'm going to fucking relax and just play this thing that I've been looking forward to playing all day. You know, you might've gone to the bathroom a couple of times to take some fake dumps and just like read about like, you know, tier five,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, shaming gears or whatever like that. Yeah, you're right. Just to really get yourself excited, you know, and you're like, you know, you know, that's the way I'm going to go home. I'm going to play that like, and that's, that's it. But the thing is when you play games all day for a living, you don't have that anymore. So you have to have some separation. You have to have night games and day games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the flip side of that, what I'm finding now is that sometimes I'm getting into games and I'm streaming them like during the day, but I don't play them at night. So I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh fuck, I can't wait to stream tomorrow so I can play this game I'm really into. So actually I'm having it on both sides now, like, sometimes in the day I'm like, no, I can't wait to just chill out and play some Diablo tonight. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At night I'll be like, oh fuck, I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and stream some more fucking Stardew Valley or whatever. So it's like, it's nice, it's working out good, like I'm actually pretty amped for gaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, whereas like before when it was all a mess and I was just playing the same thing day and night and stuff, I wasn't so much. I was just getting into a bit of a rut with it because I was like, ah, fuck, you know, there's like no variety and stuff, but now it's like, it's pretty cool. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody just like really fucking good at the game and they just trounced everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna play hearts of iron 4 in, in uhm, like the game of thrones universe though, like, you know, I wanna have like all the families and the units, but the same mechanics and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I want the, I wanted to do it with like the current Hearts of Iron, like, 4 engine and, and, and everything, you know what I mean? Like I want that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you wouldn't even need them, like, just take them out, it'd be fine. You can get ships, ships would be fine, cause you got like, um, you know, fucking, what's it called, pentos and all those places across the sea. You could have, uh, you could have like the big horse legions and stuff, the, um, the, the calisar guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like back in the day, the dream was that like, and this is back before like the internet was, was big and stuff, Doom, you could mod Doom and the dream was that like somebody would mod Doom and replace all like the sprites with like Star Wars people so you could, you know, you could place, but then Dark Forces came out and it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, Dark Forces is the first time I remember it being used.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And take a picture of yourself holding a crusty old map as well, yeaah. I do, I do love maps. Make your profile called map, mapdude69 and then they'll be like, aw shit, you know what? I find maps really sexy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If only there was a guy on Tinder that- wait a second. I found him. Map dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's gotta be a series of like YouTube videos where that's like inappropriate uses of that, where, you know, they just like put it over top of a seed or whatever. Like there used to be a series, I remember,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a something awful thing. It was like inappropriate movie soundtracks. So they take like a scene from a movie and they just put like music that didn't fit, but fuck it was so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of them were really good. I think they were all taken down, cause like copyright or whatever, but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This happened yesterday on my stream. Wait, who did you ban? Robin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what were you doing to deserve that though? Cause like, everything happens for a reason, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lewis is going to be sleuthing around now. He's going to be looking through the logs, period, and he's going to unmodge you and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's- Not now, but after you called me a shithead, we never will be friends. That guy that you guys stitched up, he found Robbie M.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's what happens when you're grass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, why, just, why don't you just tell them to fuck off? Like, you're on a stream, people are watching you, you've got their attention, like, why don't you just say, hey, you know, this guy, fuck you, and move on with your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People like trying to become mod or like, you know, they think they're running to be mod. So they do like, they think it's like an election process or something. Yeah, they're like campaigning actively to become mod like all the time. And I get a lot of people doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not gonna kill you to donate once in a while, flax. Come on, contribute. Come on, I got text to speech, it's hilarious. You can say like, you can make the woman do the sprinkler sound or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The German, the German woman has some, some really odd ways of pronouncing things. It's pretty funny. She does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just quickly, I would like to draw attention to some documentaries I've watched recently because they're really good. Oh my god. Okay. I know you guys don't like documentaries. No, I love them. I love them. You think you're a buffoon or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to check out a good documentary, I watched a documentary on Netflix called 13th, which is uhm, it's a documentary about slavery in the US and the sort of evolution of slavery in the US.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how it ties into the sort of, uh, prison incarceration culture that exists in the US. And holy shit, there's some shit in that documentary that is just crazy. Like that Alec thing with the, um, the lobbying group that actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Designs legislation and just hands it off to Republicans and says like, here you go. Like we've done it all for you. Just sign it and push it through. And it's, it's all like to serve these big corporations and stuff and like, ah, it's fucking crazy. All this shit that goes on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The idea is that, like, slavery was never properly abolished, like, uh, throughout the years, like, there's always been systems or ways for, like, slavery to come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's because in the 13th amendment, it says that like, no man shall ever be a slave again, except for if they're, uh, if it's like a punishment for crime sort of thing. So if they're criminal and they're in jail or whatever, they can be used for like slave labor and stuff. And that was a big thing in the U S it happened for years and years and years. And now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like 25% of the prison population of the world is in the US, and it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a country that has like 400 million people in it. It's insane. Like it's big business too. And there's a lot of incentive to keep people in jail to keep the jails packed because so much money is being made off of it. It's fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're trying to, they're trying to move on from it now. And the big thing is that, you know, all of a sudden it's getting a lot of attention and it looks bad and it's like, fuck all these people are prisoners or whatever. And they think that the next move is going to be, um, to incarcerate people in their homes. Like, you know, like tag them with like GPS monitors and shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd never leave the house anyway. Yeah, I know, but like, I don't know, I think it's, they're basically saying they always have to have this many prisoners or more in their country. It's like, why are there so many people? You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and there's another really good documentary on that called The House I Live In and it's, it's, it's narrated and I think made by the guy who wrote The Wire and, uhm, and the corner. David Simon. Yeah, yeah. Okay. And, uhm, it's another one that's really worth watching if you're interested in this kind of stuff. But, I mean, basically it's saying that, like, the way that legislation was pushed through


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During like the war on drugs, which, which is still going on, you know, like there's this, it's a massive problem in the US, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way that they criminalize people, you know, they're picking up people on possession charges and, you know, with the three strike rule and everything, there's, there's people who are literally serving life sentences.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, not with the intent to distribute. They're not, you know, leaders of a cartel or an organization or whatever. These are people with problems, like they become addicted to a drug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the whole thing just keeps feeding itself and becomes worse and worse of a problem. It's, it's, it's just crazy. Like it's fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they're not around for 20 years. And this is the thing, the war on drugs is a really perfect example. The whole war on drugs started with Nixon. Nixon sort of coined the term and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, Reagan picked it up and then Bush picked it up and, you know, everybody picked it up, but it was designed initially and it came out after the fact. It wasn't that big of a problem during Nixon's time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They made it into a problem because it was really good for their approval ratings and he won the election.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's it. That was another big thing as well. Like uhm, because there's a lot of like big social movements at the time, the Black Panthers, they were scared of and stuff. So it sort of worked it out in a roundabout way that it was like, oh, hang on, you know, here's like some,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stuff that we can just get these people on and just lock them up for a long time and the problem goes away or whatever and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just really enjoyable to watch, isn't he? He's just a great actor, like really likeable guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the guy, the mayor from the Simpsons. Mayor, uhm, is it Mayor Quinn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the episode, was it the episode where Homer wants to be a clown, he goes to clown college? That's a classic episode. And he's like, he goes through this point where like, everything he looks at is like dressed in clowns?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck me. Like, and on the topic of The Simpsons and having like guest spots and musicians, like the Rolling Stones one sounded pretty bad, but remember the Flaming Moes episode? And the Red Hot Chili Peppers were in it? That was like really fucking good. Like, I don't know what season is for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck me. So, so season 10 of The Simpsons, like, cause you seem to have like a better idea of where the cutoff for Simpsons is. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was like a golden age of Simpsons, where it was like the Mr. Plow episode, the episode where Homer goes back to college was fucking amazing as well. And I think it really depended on the writing team, because they changed from season to season, but Conan O'Brien used to do a lot of writing for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, but there's, but there's, there was a point where they started doing like they're, they're drawing their eyes differently as well. You remember? Like, like, like, you know, like their, their, their eyes were like a little bit bigger or something or goofier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who shot Mr. Burns was brilliant at the time. It was so good. When the season came back, everybody was like, there was, cause they made so many different possibilities and endings and stuff. Nobody knew what it was going to be. It was like, it's pretty exciting. I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It happens to a lot of stuff that's like on like a network television in the states, you know, like uhm, when, when the show gets taken over by like the gigantic writing team that is meant to get the ratings going and stuff like that, but it ruins the show. Like it happened with Heroes, it happens with Lost, it happened with like a bunch of different shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, but Ren and Stimpy, remember that? Yeaah. Similar thing, where it was like the first couple of seasons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That were created by the guy who actually created the show and his team were amazing. And then Nickelodeon sort of bought them and was like, well actually you guys are kind of nuts, like we don't really want you doing the show anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they brought in their Nickelodeon writers to write it. And like it just completely, everything was lost from the show. It was just no longer funny. It didn't have the same charm, nothing. Like it was just terrible. And it just shows like, you know, a couple of changes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Following on from this, I remember reading an article. It was pretty interesting. Like around the time when they were talking about, uh, you know, the guy that voiced Ren and the guy who voiced, um, you know, Fry and stuff. And like a proper voice actor. And now like what a lot of people do is they get celebrities in. I guess that's what The Simpsons is doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like movies do it all the time as well, you know, they just get these, like Eddie Murphy, like, yeah, Eddie Murphy's a funny guy. He's a fucking hilarious standup comedian. He made some really funny movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But is he actually a voice actor? Like he could probably just about do it, but like, there's guys out there with like legit talent, like you see it a lot in the 80s cartoons, you know, like they would reuse the same guys like in Transformers and G.I. Joe and stuff, and like some of them were really shit hot, like really fucking good. They had a really good range as well, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought, I thought Sopranos was pretty tight actually. Six seasons, you know, they ended it perfectly, you know, they ended it right when you just thought


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of the good characters were killed off, you were getting really fucking sick of the fucking, cause the show was about people and how people never change, right? And like how they just fucking always gravitate back towards the comfortable old shitty routines and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just at the end of season six, you're like, fuck, I don't think I could watch another season of this guy just fucking doing the same shit, making the same mistakes and stuff. And it ended. It was like perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really good. And they left it open too, you know? Like it could have gone like any way after that last scene. But it was like, Soprano's a pretty good example of that I think. It was just as long as it needed to be. And they didn't drag it out and try to cash in on it more or anything like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Cool. That fits because we had like a solid half hour Simpsons talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can do it a bunch of different ways. Sort of on a related note, isn't this like the next thing that they're adding to Stellaris? Something like this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, oh god, I'm not, I'm not feeling well. That looks really comfortable. I have to phone my mom, I gotta go home. Oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fridge door slammed shut. And a deathtrap, airtight, and impossible to open from in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi everybody, welcome back to Triforce Podcast. Guess what? We're one years old today! Yay! One years old! One years old! Woohoo! Hooray!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're gonna miss more too, right? Because, like, uh, we got trips coming up. Who's away?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that montage part where the Ghostbusters are like busting lots of ghosts and their ads are on TV and stuff like that and Venkman is just like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and the whole time, like, you know, Dana is like doing aerobics and then sometimes she's like cooking and like, and like she's laughing and having a good time and falling madly in love with Peter Venkman and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I feel like everybody who's listening to our Triforce podcast every week is like that, slowly falling in love with me, specifically, and doing various things, you know, like bleaching their cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bee hole, and uhm, you know, sometimes grooming bugs out of their hairy, uhm, dad's back. Right. And, you know, just various things, but like, but doing this stuff, but laughing at the same time. I feel like we bring just so much pleasure to people out there. Not tooting my own horn or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so if you live in a big high-rise apartment in New York and you have a funny little neighbour with glasses, you find that you're in a demon armchair at any point. Those are the signs that you need to watch out for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Move. Find a new place. You should move. You should definitely move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flax, just for some context here, I haven't shaved or trimmed my disgusting beard in like three weeks. But oh, it's like hockey beard, like playoff beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, women always have long hair, so they can cover up their big ass ears, but fucking men don't, like. It's the same reason why, uh, older guys


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like the older I get too, the less I think about using my dick for like certain things, but it's bigger than ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, maybe I should, maybe I should reevaluate my gameplay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm an old school man, uh, Lewis. I'm not one of these, like, new millennial men who has to groom himself and stuff. I don't believe in it, okay? I don't care about my nails and my cuticles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't give a fuck about my hair really. You know, I don't give a shit about my beard. I don't need to like wax my eyebrows or anything like that. I don't need a full body wax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think she just thinks that I look better clean shaven. I think she admires my facial features.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that known as? What's the trade term for that? It's like a pencil beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a pencil moustache. Remember Brian Ferry's pencil moustache? Yeah. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Flax, Flax is like pretty adamant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you could do like a dare to compare, you know, like uhm, on those infomercials, they're like, you could wax your face or you could stick to the old method of hacking away with a razor blade. Look at the difference! And then you see the guy's face and like half of it is just like really gross and like cut up and stuff and the other half is just like bald as a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bald as a baby because of this new fucking JML product.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well that, I mean that brings me to the, like Lewis was saying today, we were talking about this on the way in, was talking about having a full body wax, and- We were right in the middle of this-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if it is though, sometimes. Well, MP Flex just jumps to porn straight away about it. Yeah, I know, like that's your first port of call, but like, I think some- sometimes like, you know, like a- like a woman isn't- isn't bleaching and waxing her mustache for- as a sex thing. I think that's just more of like a, I don't wanna have a mustache thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it wouldn't relate that necessarily to a sex thing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's just, this is the cultural thing, like, I think some people, I think if you're from, like, say the Mediterranean, you're gonna, you're gonna have, like, darker hair, right? Is that, I mean, shaving legs, sure, that's very accepted, okay, very, very, very common. Yeah, but some people have hairy arms, and they wanna shave their arms. Do you mean arms?


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[Assistant] I think if you have like dark, really dark hair, you know like some women you see they have like really dark hair but they have really dark eyebrows, they have like darker eyes and stuff, and then if you look up close, yeaah, they're gonna have like more visible arm hair in some cases, and maybe like a little bit of a mustache as well.


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[Assistant] I think that would bug me a little bit. I, I would, I would definitely notice. I would think I would be like, you know what? You fucking, ever consider waxing your arms?


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[Assistant] I don't know, that's not how you do it. That's not how you do it, Lewis. When you're being intimate, you're like in the mid- in the throes of passion, then you go like, ah, ah.


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[Assistant] When, when there was nudity on TV in the 80s or whatever, like, people were hairy as fuck. You know, like, I'm not even talking about, like, uh,


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[Assistant] A quaint bush. I'm talking about a sprawling megalopolis of a bush. Like a fucking corn maze. That like connects up to like the fucking hips and stuff. A corn maze. And nobody gave a shit. Like that was just...


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[Assistant] You know, this is, this is before the days of, of, you know, excessive personal grooming, right? So it's like...


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[Assistant] You know if you have like a really, really hot shower, have you guys ever had or a hot bath? You've had a hot bath, but it's too hot, and when you get out of the bath, you're like sweating a lot and stuff. My balls are literally dragging on the ground at that point. Like they're so fucking loose and like warm and stuff. This is, this is where we've been, this is, we've each said


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh jeez, this is another one. Every once in a while we just go off on these big ball and dick tangents and this is definitely one of those times.


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[Assistant] But like, you know like in the 70s, you know, you see the footage of like, uhm, you know, Led Zeppelin and stuff, and Robert Plant wore pants that were much too small and too tight, and the bulge, like it was a thing, definitely in the 70s, where like, you know, kinda like,


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[Assistant] It was like a thing that guys did, they wanted to show off their bulge, and like, I don't know, a man's bulge is just not very nice. It's just like a weird fuckin'...


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[Assistant] Yeah, but Strippen's not even, he's left us though, like, we'd still do a calendar with him? Well, maybe not, Terps would be up for it.


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[Assistant] I think normal garages do as well, like, it's a very male occupied space, isn't it? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Garage environment. Might have to like put it in a locker or something. Instead of just being like out in the open. Makes it used to just be out in the, you know, in the open, in the main sort of office area. There's still like page three and stuff like that, you know.


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[Assistant] I'll tell you one thing that you barely ever see, if ever, is you go into a mechanics shop and you look over where you expect to see the pinup calendar hanging and there is a calendar there, but it's like half naked fire fighters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like maybe you're reading the market wrong on this one. Okay, well, I might be. I mean, we do a podcast every week where nobody can see us and there's a good reason for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So is your personal trainer going to like put you on some sort of like protein diet or something to like do some weight gain? Because like, if you're trying to bulk up, no offence, but like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I realize, I realize I am as skinny as ever. Like, you look like you've spent, like, the best part of eight years, like, in a Viet Cong prison, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so like, I don't know, does he have any plans to like, just put you on a pasta diet or something to help you fucking build up some mass or what?


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[Assistant] I know, but at the same time I don't need to take my clothes off to embarrass myself. I'm perfectly capable on a daily basis of embarrassing myself in other fun and inventive ways. I get it.


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[Assistant] You know like people that do that kind of shit and they're all like really overly like, like loved up with their kids and stuff and you just think, what, what are you trying to fucking prove here? You love your kids more than I love mine? Like, fucking get a life, you fucking idiot. Like he probably goes home and fucking ignores his kids.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he probably fucking is. He probably fucking is. These people are the worst, like.


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[Assistant] You know, he's probably just gonna have a fucking breakdown in a couple of years, like, just trying to lead this double life. Meanwhile, the rest of us normal people who don't feel the need to get up and fucking interact with the children's assembly are just gonna be regular old fucking, you know, burnt out husks of people. Well, that wasn't the direction I thought that was going.


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[Assistant] Yeah, because the thing is, like, if you, if you break him down. If you trigger him. If you trigger him.


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[Assistant] They'll, they'll be like happily married and, but they'll, they'll maintain a Tinder profile and date and stuff, you know? And people are like, oh fuck, he must just be having like a really crazy midlife crisis. And then two years later he's like,


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[Assistant] Completely full on dementia and he's only like 25 years old. You know what I mean? Yeaah. So maybe that's coming Lewis, I'm just saying.


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[Assistant] That'd be good if that wasn't the case. But do you feel like a bit funny? Like do you feel like forgetful or?


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[Assistant] Hey, do you remember, remember the far side? Remember those comps? Fuck, those were so good. They, they were like, they used to get one in the paper like every day and they were so fucking funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would've, would've created countless cartoon characters and tried to get his comic strips shown in papers and stuff like that. You know, it's the same with like Walt Disney, like all these like, all these sort of like famous people who have developed an iconic character.


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[Assistant] You know, the first one that they made isn't the one that just propelled them to success or whatever, like it's a huge process. And when you find the one that sticks and the one that does give you the success, you know, he would have had to write


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[Assistant] Not once, not once. I watched the Christmas special, I didn't laugh, I was a kid as well and I did not laugh once.


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[Assistant] I don't know if it sucks though. It's not funny, but it was pleasant enough to read. I don't- I wouldn't say it sucks. I would just say that it's not funny.


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[Assistant] But I think that every comic strip that appeared in newspapers was not funny. Like, I've never busted a gut laughing at a comic strip that appears in a paper. Except for, occasionally, the far side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and just Sherlock Holmes, and then, and you know, and he's revived time and time again, you know, like now he's popular again, because there's a TV show with him. Well I think that's more to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but in the early 1900s, like when Disney was starting out, there were still copyrights on some of the fairy tales. Well, a lot of the Disney stuff came from...


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[Assistant] I think it was, I think it was Alice in Wonderland, uh, was one that Disney wanted to do, and he had to, he had to buy the copyright, and reluctantly, it was sold to, to Disney, and then the people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Behind the original fairy tale, Alice in Wonderland, were just like, oh, what have we fucking done? Like, they hated the movie and everything, and like, they just like, you know, it was this, something that was important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I mentioned this like on a previous podcast, but like the early Disney movies were super hit and miss, like some of them did like exceptionally well, and some of them just totally flopped, but it was in the 80s when they started re-releasing them on VHS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when Disney really fucking struck gold, like, cause when most of these movies were released, it was during the war and stuff, nobody had money to go to the movies, they just weren't appreciated, there was just other stuff going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a lot of them were just big flops but now they're just like these timeless classics because all of these like baby boomers bought them on VHS and you know now they have a Disney collection at home on DVD and shit like that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, that's it. That was their big fucking, uhm, the, the thing. It was like three movies. It was The Little Mermaid.


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[Assistant] Uh, The Lion King and Aladdin were like the big, the three fucking gigantic movies. But, but when they made The Little Mermaid in 89, they hadn't made an animated feature film for like 15 years or something. It's nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last one they made was like the Jungle Book or something? And then Walt Disney died and then they didn't do any after that.


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[Assistant] What the fuck? It's weird, yea, I read a lot about, I read a lot about Disney. I was interested, like, in the whole story and it's, it's a good, like, if you look up a bunch of stuff on Wikipedia and how Disney's changed and stuff, it's interesting. I'm sure I mentioned all this before. I don't want to talk about it too much.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they re-released all of the, um, Star Wars stuff, all of the original Star Wars movies into theatres. Cause I remember seeing, I remember going to see Return of the Jedi when I was really young, in theatre. And I think all the other ones too, I must have been like 8 or 9 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it was like 80, I guess it was like 86, 87, that I would have probably seen them when they were re-released in theaters. So, something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit, the turnaround time now is insane. It's crazy. It's like two weeks after it's, it's not in theatres, it's like on iTunes and everything like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's crazy. I remember like, I remember being a kid and going to like the video store. We had this place called Jumbo Video. Right. Had like a big elephant in like the logo and stuff. So you'd go to Jumbo Video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was this huge store, like, you know, you're talking like the biggest blockbuster you've ever been into.


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[Assistant] And there was free popcorn, there was a popcorn machine, so you could like fill up a little bag full of popcorn, and as you walked around and picked what movies you wanted to rent and stuff, you could, you're like eating popcorn. There was an adult section in the back with a door that said like adults only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was like a big video game section, so like all like NES games, like Sega.


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[Assistant] Genesis and, and whatever, like, Super Nintendo. And like, it was a big thing, like on a Friday night, we'd go, like, after school, after dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drive down to the movie store, my parents would rent like a bunch of movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Jesus. Yeah. Fuckin' video stores. They're all gone now. Every last one is gone. Yeah. Blockbuster, I remember, somebody retweeted a tweet from Blockbuster from like, it was like 2006 or something, and Blockbuster was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they just didn't keep up with the times, you know, they had all of these franchises, stores, money, everything, and they just didn't invest any of that into future-proofing their business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well that's the thing, you go in there, if you go in there, like if you went in there on a Friday, I used to work at Blockbuster, I actually worked at two Blockbusters, I worked at one in Jersey, uhm, when I was living over here, and then I worked at one in Orleans when I was living back in Ottawa, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I heard the Blockbuster had gone bankrupt and they were going under, I wasn't surprised at all. Because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both of these blockbusters that I worked at, you know, 4,000 miles away from each other, were both run so horrendously by the people that worked there. Like, the one that I worked at in Jersey had like three different managers, because the other ones got fired for stealing money from the safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck? And then the one in, the one that I worked at in Ottawa was like, wasn't much better. I think like one, one of the guys, one of the guys that was running the place, uh, was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't pay for that, like, but they just, uh, whatever. You know, like, we used to get free rentals and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a common thing in both stores was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With video games, okay? It was like PlayStation games. You'd get a PlayStation game back, you'd check it in, you'd open the box, and the disc wouldn't be the right game. It would be like, so they kept like the good game, like FIFA fucking 2002 or whatever, the new game. They'd keep the disc.


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[Assistant] But they would return the box with a disc in it, hoping that you wouldn't check, with like, a PlayStation 1 game in there, like, you know, like, Timecop or something like that. And then you try to get a hold of these people, and they wouldn't answer their phone, or they'd change their number or something, and they would just steal from you, like, they would just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But going to a video store wasn't like a nice experience either, like the one I described before where you get the popcorn and stuff when I was smaller, that was pretty good, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There'd be like a fucking line out the door and like you can- I think that's why like iTunes and Netflix part of why they became so popular as well because nobody wants to fucking stand around waiting to like watch like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Notting Hill, like, you know, they turn up at like 5 o'clock so they make sure that they can get one of the thousands of copies that we had in at the time. Cause they would just like all rent out like almost instantly, like a new release or whatever. And then they'd have to stand in line for like an hour with like fucking tired kids and stuff, just waiting to like get to the checkout.


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[Assistant] You know, they didn't have any self-checkouts or anything like that. You just had to wait in a line and stuff and it's like, oh my god.


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[Assistant] You can see that like the whole thing, I'm surprised they didn't see it coming, like, I can't imagine that anybody that ran that company didn't sort of look at it and just say, fuck, maybe we gotta do something different, like, this can't go on like this forever or whatever, but obviously they didn't. Cause now they're gone. It's just nuts.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we managed to actually have an interesting chat about something that probably nobody gives a shit about, but being old people, we like that.


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[Assistant] I wasn't insecure about it until Lewis berated me for daring to spend money on things and buy stuff without bothering the Yogscast about it.


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[Assistant] I mean, geez, you guys, you know, they're in the office. How would you feel if I just called up Sam Sam? I need a load of help with my audio stuff. You'd think, what the fuck is Perion wasting my employee's time? Why?


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[Assistant] He had help from Morpheus, and Trinity, remember?


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[Assistant] And the other problem I've got is that the focus rate that I got, which is like the 2i4, after 4 hours and 3 minutes of streaming, consistently, the voice turns into a robot voice, only when streaming. And all I have to do is unplug it, and plug it back in, and restart Discord, and it's fine, but it's one of those weird things where you think, why is that happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I googled it and I thought, is it me? And other people were like, how come after four hours of streaming the Focusrite stops working? And all the Focusrite say is, contact our technical support team. Now whether they're contacting them and the technical support team says,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't do shit, please don't tell anybody. Did you try drinking them up? No, I'm gonna give them a ring. Apparently they're in the UK. So I can give them a bell. Oh. Why don't you phone them now?


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[Assistant] You know, they're comedians, they can think of funny things about terrible stuff.


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[Assistant] One of them wanted to touch it because it felt like who's gonna do it first and eventually some comedian, I'm not sure who it was, made this joke and the audience was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rather than going, Hey buddy, you can't joke about 9-11. They were like, they, they laughed because it was like, finally you can start to, to rationalize it and start to think about it. And if you, if you can't make fun about something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Jesus Christ, what is there that you can't make fun about? Name, name, I mean, there are, there's very few things that aren't funny, if it's done well. Muslims. I mean, I'm not just saying, ho ho ho, 9-11, ho ho ho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but you could- you could def- I mean, you're telling me that someone like LouisCK couldn't make a funny joke about pretty much anything. LouisCK.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you're just going, ho ho, I'm a Muslim, wuuh, like that. Cause comedy should, like, good comedy is not only funny, but it makes you think, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't remember, so, what was it called? Christ. I just thought I'd look it up. The sad thing, the sad thing for me about Nicolas Cage is, that he's like, he's like a guy who's been told he's not allowed to be funny anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he did, he did this really good, what was it, god I can't remember, it was like a sort of modern American film noir, and he was excellent in it, and he was in a bunch of good stuff early on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like someone handed down this mandate from on high, like, like say-


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[Assistant] Like he goes to see Satan, and like maybe he was ill or something. He said, oh geez Satan, I'm really ill, I need help. And Satan said, yea, I'll save your life, but you're not allowed to have fun acting anymore. You have to pick the worst roles in the worst movies and you have to act as badly as possible for the rest of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here's some of his movies. Fast Times at Ridgemont High. That's a great movie. Okay, I've never seen that one. That is a genuinely great movie. Okay. Raising Arizona is a great movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's leaving Las Vegas, which was a good movie and everything. And then the very next film, next year, 1996, The Rock, Con Air, Face Off, City of Angels, Snake Eyes. These are all dreadful. Gone In 60 Second. Family Man.


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[Assistant] So that was, that was incredible. Adaptation was really good. But then, if you look at the stuff, like, USS Indianapolis, Men of Courage, is meant to be so fucking bad. I, I definitely wanna see it, cause it's that bad. Like, it's really, really bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what it is, it's like he did some deal with Satan. I swear to God, with Satan. I think I could prove it. That in 1996 something happened to Nicolas Cage where he made this promise to the devil that he would start making shit. And he never stopped. And it's like occasionally he does something good and the devil is right there on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, and you're saying he's got trouble with money. He owns a string of properties, alright. He had castles in England and Germany, mansions in America, an island in the Bahamas, but these days he lives more modestly in a tiny cottage in Somerset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, first of all, it's interesting that you say that his parents died at the hands of the Joker, because that's not the case. His parents died at the hands of just some no good hoodlum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you not see Birdman? That was all about his role in Batman. That's why they cast Michael Keaton. He's actually trying to get away from his fucking past as Batman. Everyone's like, oh, it's Batman! And he's fucking sick of it. He wants to be a serious actor. That's what Birdman was all about, to me. Right. I never saw Birdman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what, my friend Alan, uhm, he's a, he's a Bournemouth lad, straightforward guy, like a real, real straightforward guy. When it comes to movies, he knows what he likes and, and he likes a very, very small selection of, of movies. He likes Rocky, right? And like the, the Rocky movies basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he likes a film called, uhm, it's like, it's a, it's an 80s movie about the SAS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was called, I think it's called Where Eagles Dare. I think it's called something, or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he will not watch the whole movie before work if he wants to get kind of pumped up because he's sick of going to work. He watches just the last 10 minutes of Rocky. Like he just pops in the VHS, watches the last 10 minutes and he's ready for a day of work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who Dares Wins, by the way. Who Dares Wins. Who Dares Wins. It was called, yeaah. It's, it's, it's a really weird movie. So, so the, the Rocky movie's actually got you pumped up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking, oh man, it's so good. Do you know what I heard? That, you know, uh, which Rocky was it with the Russian guy? The guy who's like, I must break you. That guy. What is his name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I saw Dolph Lundgren in a cashpoint queue in Portobello Road Market one time. Nice. Uh, which was kind of funny. But I also heard that when they were making that Rocky movie Stallone said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and punched him and broke his jaw. I'm pretty sure that's a true story. The internet will tell me otherwise, but I'm pretty sure that I think the dangerous part of the Rocky movies is that Stallone started to believe


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I can just take a dozen punches to the head. I think I can do it. And he did it. And Dolph Langer was like, just prove to him that if you actually got punched in the head, you'd get fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you know, we were talking about doing a bodega special this week. This is interesting that we were talking about this. There is, so just to give anyone some background on this, uh, a teacher, I think he's in America,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] sent me a bunch of bodega stories that his class had written because he read them


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The kids are, you know, they're not generally excited by the idea of doing schoolwork, the way most kids are at 11, I guess. But these kids were really genuinely excited to be able to write.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Bodega, part, special part, 1.4, brackets, Nicolas Cage. I don't know why it's called that. 1.4? Well yea, it's listed as number 1.4.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He threw himself onto his bed and let his eyes fall heavy, letting out a relieving breath. He drifted awake, a gentle face smiling over him. He furrowed his slicing brow, noticing that he'd never seen the handsome stranger's face before. Hello sir, I'm Nicolas Cage, he smiled, offering his hand to help Bodega out of his bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jake is out looking for supplies, he stated kindly. While you were dozing off, you landed here. I saw this vessel and he let me in. Sad to say that he may be dead now though. Bodega's smile dropped from his face. And why would that be? He asked, still in shock of what he was hearing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For more space coffee beans, forgetting what Nick had recommended, the stairs seemed creakier than usual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The remains of Jake. Without hesitation he drew his gun and fired seven quick rounds, shooting the creature onto the ground. As he approached the corpse, a horrified look glided across his face. The monster was Nick!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tears bloomed into his eyes, falling onto the ground like rain, flowing down his face like water out of a sink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He felt like he was gonna throw up. He was truly sickly stupidly in love. The end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I'm not gonna be able to look at Nicolas Cage the same way now. I'm just, I feel like I now in my mind he's a seductress who is also a man eater. It's very strange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think my favourite part is that some of the metaphors don't actually make sense, or they're not the right word. You know what he's going for, or she is going for, and I'm like, I know what you're trying to say here, you just haven't quite got the vocabulary for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they say he- he drudged towards his bed. It should- should be trudged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drudged towards his bed also sounds interesting. I immediately know what they're saying. It's interesting. And I like the way his eyes feeling heavy and stomach tying itself into unsteadying knots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's actually really interesting. I like that. I thought that the use of metaphor, I give it, I give it an A. I give it an A. But like, he furrowed his slicing brow. That's really interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, first of all he says, some notes, uh, space vaping has been replaced with space coffee. Right. Only a few of them know about Bodega's squeeze, Majesta. Uh, and the kid's love sips his Donald Trump impersonation when he says, China! So you see that a lot. Right. Which I thought was interesting. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why, yeaah, he just put China! So, other notes, uh, these kids are, these are 6th to 7th grade, so that's like 11, right? 10, 11?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys have made kids excited about doing well and finishing their state testing. They're at an inner city school, so these kids are like, they're not generally excited about school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After state testing. So they did their work and then they wanted to do this. Like they actually enjoyed doing it. They wanted to do it. So I think that is, that is wonderful. Uh, so that was the creep first. So here's one called, uh, so I'll read you the titles. You tell me which one you want to hear. Space Feminist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bodega didn't understand their endgame, but wouldn't back down without a fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, said the man, and in 0.2 seconds a tall woman with a red bandana scooped up the man. She lowered the mask.


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[Assistant] So that was, so there's Bodega's End, which I guess is about the death of Bodega, The Pirate King, Confrontation, The Crash, Origins of Bodega, Booty Hole, one that the teacher has listed as I am not really sure, one called Memory, one called Pussycat Pussycat Where Are You, and one called


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bodega's hair, brackets, I think this kid does drugs.


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[Assistant] Bodega was a strand of hair. He became detached from his human. Then he got a human girlfriend. While he went to the store, she got married and had a stupid child. Then he moved to some stranger's back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He then, he yelled at his girlfriend, specifically the song Billie Jean, and his ex Bodega stunned him. He said, you did, you have to do that, and ate a crayon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Nicolas Cage is the best one for me by far. That was great.


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[Assistant] Bodega and Majesta had been best friends since birth. They were next door neighbours and spent every day after school together. As they grew older, they grew deeper in love. Both of their families could not afford to provide college, so they decided to work together to stay afloat.


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[Assistant] When NASA made public applica- sorry, when NASA made public applications for people to move to the moon, with all expenses paid off, they jumped on it in an instant. Bodega and Magesta lived happily on the moon commune for many years, but many years is not forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. I love that. War fell upon the two moon colonies. In an effort to stop their family of two from falling into poverty, Bodega began smuggling people from the moon back to Earth.


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[Assistant] I've only read two. I literally only read Space Feminist and the Gorgaflop. I didn't read any of the rest of these. Read that one, the Gorgaflop. Let's have Gorgaflop.


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[Assistant] This is quite a long one, but it's good, okay. This kid really got into the making shit up that makes no sense, okay, so. Oh, that's the best part of Bodega. I know. One day, a malbritostaphore named Bodega was walking to a coffee shop in space to get his favourite drink, space coffee.


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[Assistant] And Bodega was going to Earth for a short visit to see what Earth coffee really tasted like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then he passed by a park which was very calm and peaceful. There was a human girl sitting on a step stool painting a portrait of the lake with the trees. At the time, he had never seen a tree.


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[Assistant] The tree the girl was painting actually happened to look a lot like the malbritostaphos' biggest enemy, the Gorgaflop.


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[Assistant] But something was definitely off. Bodega wasn't feeling very in love anymore, so he went back to space to visit his family and his childhood friends.


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[Assistant] He took out his rifle, vaporized the cashier, and walked outside with a tip of his hat.


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[Assistant] All of a sudden, the Gorgaflop swooped down from space and attacked the village. Bodega punched one of them in the face. He'd completely forgotten that if you hit them or punch them, they grow back another feature. This time, the beast grew back a tail with sharp, thorn-like spikes. The alien continued to swing the humongous tail into Bodega's face. Meanwhile, on Earth, Majesta was imprisoned by the Gorgaflop Queen.


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[Assistant] Tell me, what do you do to him? I want him back. Don't you understand? Do I need to spell it out? W-A-N-T-H-I-M-B-A-C-K. To be continued.


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[Assistant] Majesta, and Majesta's telling the Queen that she wants Bodega back? Or the other way around? I can't be sure. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] They're like 10 or 11. Yeah, yeah, they're around there. Man. Like, so my eldest is in, I think it would be called third grade. Okay? Right. So in three years time, she'll be like 10 going on 11, and these are exactly the kind of things that she would


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, there's certain things that all the kids seem to be obsessed with. They're all obsessed with, uh, people falling in love.


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[Assistant] That's consistent in pretty much every story, right? Memes. Sips saying, China! Like for some reason that really tickled them. I think that's funny. Infidelity. Most of the stories feature some kind of infidelity or a relationship falling apart. And I'm thinking this must be the kind of TV shows that kids see. They see this kind of stuff happening and they just think,


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[Assistant] Yeah, maybe, yeah. But I reckon these have been read out. I reckon these have been read out. Cause there are jokes in there, like the jokes about, like there's a, you know, the teacher crops up often, doesn't he? Like there's a character called Jake and stuff. And that's kind of funny, I like that. Because it's obviously, they want to do it and see the teacher's face and all the kids will be laughing. But it's like a little gag that they've got within the class.


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[Assistant] Have you seen Roadhouse? No, I haven't. Patrick Swayze plays a, right, this is the, this is, if you haven't seen Roadhouse. 1989. It is a wonderfully bad movie, one of my favourite bad movies. So, there's like a club, a bar, a real shit kicking bar, it's out of control, the owner needs a special bouncer


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[Assistant] Oh, him! He's in the Big Lebowski. Exactly. The dude, the dude of birds, that guy. So he's in it, and he's like Patrick Swayze's mentor. So they come in to clean up the bar, and it's just the most bizarre story, because by doing this, somehow,


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[Assistant] This attracts the ire of the local supervillain who lives in a massive mansion on the other side of the river, and the town that he has under his sway, which is apparently paid for this mansion and all these millions of dollars that he's got, is like the tiniest one-horse town with like one street,


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[Assistant] And this guy just fucks up like a local car dealership with a monster car and stuff and Patrick Swayze is like really...


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[Assistant] I mean, I haven't seen Tom Cruise in Scientology and all that shit all over the news in ages. Like, it's not what it was. Like, back when the South Park did their big rip on it and everything, and Battlefield Earth came out, I think it was actually quite a while ago, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was obviously the hip thing for celebrities to do was to get into Scientology. And like, what's his name, John Travolta, um, Forest Whitaker, and uh, what's that guy's name, Barry Pepper?


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[Assistant] They're all Scientologists and they're all in the movie. And it's a bit like if you ever watched a religious movie, like when, when uhm, Mel Gibson made The Passion, right? Passion of the Christ. Mel Gibson's a massive, massive religious nut, like he's, he's one of those, uh, the, the, one of those cats that's called the tie, like a, a leather strap around their legs so they're constantly in pain to remind them of,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus' sacrifice, everything like that. They're religious loons, okay. So these guys are Scientologist religious loons and they've made this movie and they're taking it so seriously. And it's really, they're trying to really say something with this movie and it's just unbelievable. They have cavemen flying jet planes at the end of the movie.


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[Assistant] Okay, that's basically what happens at the denouement. You have John Travolta shooting the legs off a field of cows. You have, uh, it's just bonkers. It's absolutely bonkers. You couldn't describe it. You have to see it.


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[Assistant] I'm 36, I earn 45 grand a year, and I have 2.5 kids, and I'm gonna vote yes.


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[Assistant] They have like, you know, the ball, the pit with all the little plastic balls in, and they have the little slides and the little netting thing you climb up. The sensory zone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's really into it and stuff, but then she was like, for her birthday she wanted an Xbox. I'm not sure why, but she wanted an Xbox because you can play Minecraft on it and other games. And I thought it'd be good she could play games with her sister and her sister needs to start learning how to, you know, play games and it's good for their fine motor skills and stuff like that. So I got them the Xbox and a couple of controllers.


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[Assistant] And they've been playing a bit of Minecraft on the TV, you know, on the Xbox. They've been playing. I've got Lego worlds and stuff and they love it. They love it. And I'm watching it and I'm thinking, damn, the frame rate's kind of janky when they look at the horizon and I'm not sure about the control system. And they're just like, this is great. They just, they just love it. So I'm like, all right, I'm not going to criticize their game. Yeah, that's the thing.


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[Assistant] We were, it was very similar. First time, first time was, was a rush because the


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[Assistant] Especially because they can only really guess, like, they give you a due date, but it's never 100%, so.


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[Assistant] Like I remember last year, my youngest daughter was still at


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[Assistant] I feel much more relaxed now than I did a year ago. Like I was really quite stressed out because rushing around and I'm just thinking about all the stuff I'm missing out on and I've got like a little bit of time in the morning to do stuff. And it just doesn't feel like anywhere near enough time. Whereas now, I mean, geez, I got like six hours to do stuff and then


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[Assistant] It's not just Jesus giving talks. There's like 20 different guys all talking about what their version of religion and philosophy and stuff like that is. I thought that was really funny.


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[Assistant] So the supermums and the superdads stand there in the playground.


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[Assistant] Doing the same shit, talking about how awesome they are and all the stuff they've got lined up and what they've done with their kids. They're very loudly talking to their kids. Let's go home and finish off our paper mache masks that we started yesterday, shall we Tiffany? Oh yes please mommy! And we'll use our homemade paints that we made ourselves the day before that, won't we Tiffany?


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[Assistant] A lot of time you're gonna be bored, especially as a kid. I remember being like the summer holidays.


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[Assistant] I was like, yes, summer holidays. But then there would be days when you just had nothing to do, nothing, nowhere to go, your friends were busy, your parents didn't want to fucking do shit because you're too old. Just come fucking entertain yourself, they say. And you think, Jesus Christ, I'm so fucking bored. I've got no money. I can't just go where I want. I'm just a kid.


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[Assistant] And it's just fucking dull. So I try to prepare my kids to the fact that you know what, if you can't entertain yourself, read a fucking book. Call up a friend and get them around you. Do something. But don't come to me. Entertain your damn self. That's my attitude.


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[Assistant] Cause there's loads of kids that live within like a street or two of here, but at this age now, you still need to set up a play date, right? So you have to talk to the parents and say,


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[Assistant] Would they like to come around after school? It's like, yeah, sure, what time should I pick them up? Oh, you know, we'll give them dinner, so like 6, 6.30. When you think, please, please show up on time. You get some of the parents that turn up at like,


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[Assistant] But when they're older, when they're like 10, 11, can I go into so and so's house? Yeah, be back in time for dinner. Boom! Done! They're out. I used to do it all the time. Get on my bike, I'd go to my friend's house, we'd hang out, play video games. Then it's basically your job is done, the kids are their own people at that point, you just have to mop.


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[Assistant] And it was a double sided board. You flipped the board over depending on which phase of the game you were in. Phase one, you were a stable owner and you had to acquire horses.


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[Assistant] It was fucking amazing. It took hours. Hours. But we would play it and I would stay over at my friend's house and we would play Totopoly overnight. We'd play this game. It was ridiculous.


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[Assistant] That's ridiculous. Let's just play the base game. Everyone's like, fuck yeah, I'll bring mine over, we'll do double monopoly. And then you're all working. Oh, it's great. I love being here. Lewis, Lewis, Lewis, you've been quiet for like 10 minutes.


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[Assistant] I wanna know, no, no, I know, but I wanna ask you, cause I know you're probably playing Hearthstone or something. What, what kind of games did you play with your friends when you were a kid?


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[Assistant] I think the thing is, like any board game, there's always, that's the thing, with those board games that are slightly, uh, less rules heavy, you know, they're more casual, there's still a craving in people who are gamers to sort of add stuff to it, like add-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We used to play some incredibly complicated board games, like there's one called Warrior Nights that we used to play, which I still have actually, I've showed it off on stream, I've got my board game collection now in my sort of office here, I dug them all out of the attic. I mean I must have had it for like 30 years now, and it was old when I got it.


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[Assistant] And it's like a 1980s games workshop game, the kind that they don't make anymore, where you're a medieval sort of warlord.


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[Assistant] And you have to, there's like an election when you vote on a bunch of stuff, like who's going to be in charge of the wall concession, who's going to be in charge of the mead concession or whatever. And then there's money, all the money is like tiny little tokens. You have tricks. It sounds amazing. It is. You hire mercenaries. You should bring it down and we'll play it.


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[Assistant] If you rolled, like if your dice been slightly different one way or the other way, you might lose the fight, or all your troops would go to the other guy, and you lost all your mercenaries. So you lose one battle, the game is basically over for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was, that's the problem. So we had to rewrite it so there were losses and some level of, you know, taking back. So we expanded the table. We had, instead of just a D6, it was like a D100. We had a whole chart. We, we had to add all this shit because otherwise it was fucking stupid. But it was, it was a great game.


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[Assistant] Do you think that the fact that people look for, like there's not much difference between Sips taking his game of Monopoly and making it more complicated and harder and more detailed and someone taking Mario on the


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[Assistant] 3D on the, what was the original, uh, the N64, like the 3D, original 3D Mario game.


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[Assistant] And saying I'm gonna do this in 15 minutes or whatever. Like it's the same kind of, it's an urge that people have when they love a game. Or even when they're just obsessed with it. To not just play the game over and over again, but to find new shit to do with it that's even harder and more complicated. Completely unnecessary. But people love it, it's the same instinct.


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[Assistant] The amount of obsession that some people have with these games, especially older games, that seems to be with older console games, because of the way they were coded and because they were glitchy and there was no patching. If you can find these weird glitches and bugs, you can do weird stuff. There is, if you search for.


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[Assistant] Uhm, there's an old Reddit thread called using bugs in Super Mario World to inject new code and play Pong. So these guys, there's a video demonstration of it. You have to do a very specific set of moves and when you do them you actually insert


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they do it. It takes ages, and they have to do all these very specific moves, but they do it. They rewrite the code. I mean, how the fuck do you come up with that shit? That's just insane.


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[Assistant] Lee Carvalho's putting challenge. That's the game. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] And there'll be, there'll be some guy who's played that for a thousand hours and does speedruns of Kid Icarus. I'm gonna google Kid Icarus speedrun right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I liked was when you were, we were streaming, we were doing PUBG the other day, and you were trying to get her to play songs, and she would find a song, it was like, genuinely a song that was like,


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[Assistant] Have you tried putting them next to each other? Cause there was that Twitch stream. It was one of my favorite Twitch streams where they got two of these things next to each other to talk to each other. And of course they keep asking each other questions and sentences and they have like this whole conversation. One of them would crash.


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[Assistant] They'd get married, they'd break up, one of them was convinced that they weren't a robot, the other one was trying to tell them that they were. It was amazing. It went back and forth. It was just so, you just sit there watching these two idiots talking for hours and hours, totally convinced.


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[Assistant] One of them was like, I'm not a robot. I know I'm not a robot. And the other one was like, how do you know you're not a robot?


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[Assistant] The thing is honestly at the moment I feel like none of this is stuff that you couldn't get by just Googling.


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[Assistant] But these questions, the way people talk to them and all the answers are going into some kind of mega database so that it will learn and the next generations of these will be built on how the fuck do people interact with them? Cause if you give it to a million people, they'll all interact with it differently. They'll all ask different questions. They'll all expect different answers. So you need to come up with a way for it to personalize and get to know.


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[Assistant] But I think it's interesting, we were talking about NES games and how garbage they were. And I mean, you know, people would say the same thing about Pong when it came out, that this is just stupid, you just turn a paddle. I mean, geez, you could just do this with a ping pong table and stuff. But it's like, it always leads to something. And like you said, what starts off as a novelty,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will eventually be like this vital piece of, it'll be like having a TV. Well, you don't have it like so, you know, it'll be, it'll be like that because they will be so fucking useful eventually and so clever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was that film where the guy comes in and he demands a load of things from a computer? What the hell was it? He's like, oh, I think it was in Back to the Future 2 when he's talking about what channels he wants on the TV and all that stuff. It's all controlled and what the temperature and everything. It'll be like that. It will be like that.


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[Assistant] People will become completely dependent on these machines, I think.


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[Assistant] I do, you know my thing is your kid's attached to it already and it's not even that great. So think about when it's like super smart and it can say


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[Assistant] Have you ever been over here? No, I haven't. I should come over. You should man. Like, I should do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, hold on a sec. You might hit it off. I've got a question for ya. If we're gonna have a barbecue, you're a vegetarian. What the fuck am I gonna eat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was very pleased by that. But you know what else? Somebody messaged me. He's a teacher. And he got his class to write a bunch of bodegas after playing them. I think he read them a bodega. He said he had to clean it up a little, which I apologize for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bodega, part 23, Inyo. Bodega, said a voice, distant yet filled with menace. Wake up, you flabbing piece of strefgobble. A hearty slap across the mush punctuated the command. Bodega was kneeling, his hands bound to his ankles. He was in a large oblong room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for a spotlight on a metal stand. A metal table and a chair, both bolted down, were next to him. The walls and floor of the room looked like solid crunkrete, the strongest building material there was. No windows were visible, just a door that looked built to withstand the apocalypse. Odega shook his head to clear it and peered up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Standing over him, leering, was the cold grey face of Krem Slumdup, dictator of the galaxy and head of the Federation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was shorter than Bodega had expected, but powerful looking thanks to what Bodega assumed were some hyper-expensive cyber-mods, enhancing his strength and his mind. At his waist, a small blue box, a Shrovian personal shield, a real rarity and insanely costly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just in case, huh? Thought Bodega. Just in case I had some kind of surprise for you, you miserable bastard. But Bodega didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was stripped bare. Even his tooth implants were gone. His legion of weapons and gadgets removed. All that remained was his dignity, and that was slipping. Your lasgun, said Slumdump, producing it from a fold in his long black cloak, holding the weapon between two fingers like a soiled nappy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such a waste of good technology, but I think it's time we bid farewell to this. He shook his head, faux sadly, and dropped it into a chute on the wall marked hazardous waste disposal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There, that's dealt with. I wonder, what good is a sniper without his famous rifle? A gun is just a tool, said Bodega, looking away. As the man shooting it makes a name for himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my, how you've shot your little guns, said Krem, turning and pacing around the room. Lecture incoming, thought Bodega.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turning and admonishing Bodega with a hateful stare, the rules are there to protect people from villains like you. Who protects them from you? asked Bodega.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We bring order to this chaos. Imagine a galaxy run by egotistical infants like yourself. People who kill over an insult. People who steal and cheat and lie and think they can blast off into the sunset and never get what they deserve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The poor people on Skirlia was smugglers, said Bodega. Oh really? said Krem, feigning curiosity. He cocked his wrist, revealing a datapad implant on his forearm, and tapped a few buttons. A hollow projection showed the faces of the men and women, each marked with the words deceased, murdered in red.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are the faces of the so-called smugglers. Students at a local school out for a day trip to fly remote controlled aircraft of their own design.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bodega winced. Can't be. The information he got was from a reliable source. Body parts smugglers on Scalia. And here, this is the list of people murdered at the Pulsar sex pit. A bar as I understand it. A birthday party. Only one survivor, that idiot Tan Blatchman. He told us the whole story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of course, let us not forget the 1,500 souls massacred at the Barakian Quanto Hub over what asked Krem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the, uh, engineers, he, uh, stammered Bodega, shuffling from knee to knee uncomfortably. He had some pretty harsh words to say about the old Disco Volante. He insulted your ship!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He opened it, showed it to Bodega. He adjusted the tritanium cables holding his captive, and helped Bodega to his feet, sat him down, securing the cables once more. He peeled a piece of backing plastic off the pads and stuck them on Bodega's temples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Time is what's in this box. Time as you've never experienced it. Hate as you've never known it. I built it myself. And now, finally, I have someone worthy of it. This ain't about Krems. This is about her, ain't it? said Bodega, sneering. He caught the faintest glimmer of anger in Krems' otherwise passionless face. Krems stood quickly. I reached into the box. He pressed a button. Bodega's face and body went limp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See you in 10,000 years Bodega, hissed Krem, looking at his datapad. In exactly one minute, the red box emitted a low tone and Bodega woke up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His expression had changed. His whole face had changed. Everything about him had changed. Bodega looked up at Krem, and all Krem saw was fear and confusion and terror. Again, said Krem, reaching for the box. Bodega let out a whimper, and then he went limp again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Barely ten seconds had passed before the orderly sprinted back into the room. What! screamed Krem. Sir, it's the home system, said the terrified orderly. What about it, man? screamed Krem again. It's gone, sir, stammered the orderly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Krem froze, and turned to look at Bodega, who was still slumped unconscious in the chair. Krem blinked three times before he finally turned to the orderly and spoke in a low whisper. Where is Majesta? To be continued.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna wrap this puppy up in a good way. Just this thread. Well, we'll see. I wanna wrap it up in a way that people like. Before I- I'm thinking of stopping, uhm, so I can finish the Bodega book and then do some more. Cause I can't keep writing short stories until I know how this bit ends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right into the woods and find the cooler and it was full of, full of porn, it was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, of course we're in the centre of Bristol now and you're in the centre of London.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, any excuse, right? Anyone, anyway, if one loves to get snow day. Uhm, it's one of the perks of living in England, that you get snow days, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a lady in front of me who was clearly not wearing the right shoes and neither was I, uh, cause I left my walkie shoes here at the office. You had your flip flops on? And, and she sort of slipped but didn't fall over but she, she definitely like slipped and it was one of those moments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but then you're like, okay, and then I walked like an old gran the rest of the way into the office. So that's why we're late, and that's why this podcast is going to be a little bit short today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a weird little thing to pick up on from basically one of the biggest, most, like, up and coming, like, Shanghai, it's, it's the new, the new wealth, the new world, right? Everything's going east, like, China has this, it's the, it's massive, it's huge, it's the, it's the second biggest economy in the world, and Shanghai's like the showpiece city, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything's so modern, it's, it's, it's, I'm really interested in other things that you picked up while you were out there, actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do they learn English in school? Because I know in Japan, uhm, most Japanese people have done like three to five years of English, but it's very much focused on grammar and some of these other things, so it's not really conversational.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely a cultural thing. I think the Japanese with the American influence coming in. But also, I think Japan is much more open to the world than China. I mean, China still, they have their own, they don't, they have their own stuff. They have their own search engine. They have their own...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like companies, their own car companies, their own everything companies, it's kind of, it's hard to sometimes get western stuff into China because they're very much like, well, why would we want to buy anything? We can make it ourselves, we could own it ourselves, you know. And that's, that's, I guess, part of, part of the strength, but also keeps them a bit more isolationist, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's, it's tricky. We, we had the same situation. So we went, um, out to Australia for RTX. We went, we spent a day in Singapore on the way. Cause I thought like, you know, traveling for 27 hours, flying for 27 hours is kind of aid. So let's stop off halfway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and, and, but that kind of was a good idea because we got to see Singapore for a day and it was kind of a bad idea because it just made you, it just prolonged the hell of jet lag. At least once you're there, you can properly sleep and start working on fixing your, your, your, your sleep pad. But because we were there very jet lagged for a day and then off on the plane again, it was kind of a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So basically it's the idea that like you wake up in the morning to the sunrise coming through your window, but then you can rotate your room around to have like, when the sun goes down, you can have the sunrise out of your, sunset out of your window. Is that the idea? It's like a natural...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the alternative you could just do if you wanted that without having to buy it, you could just literally have your bed on wheels, right? And just like wheel it across the other side of your house, right? And then it would be the same. I mean that's like a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we went to this flippin', uhm, we went to one of the places we stayed in in New Zealand was up the top of this massive, terrifying cliff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, we got all the way up there, and we thought, how the fuck are we gonna get back down this, this horrible path to this place? We have to reverse all the way up this horrible winding mess. Uhm, but at the very top there was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it did feel a lot like that actually. And we got to the top, and the hobbits were, no, and then uhm, it had like a turntable, right? So the idea was that you push your car, I've never seen this before, onto a turntable, and you literally push the car 180 degrees, and then drive it back down. It was madness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does get the girl though, eventually. You know, that's gotta be a tick mark, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got loads of things to say about Australians as well. I'd love to tell you about it, but you'll be streaming so much, Sips. You'll be streaming really, really amazing. I've really enjoyed some of your Skyrim stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Alright, well, I'm sorry I have to cut this short, but I actually have to go, because I've got to walk over to this, um, this meeting, and it's going to be 15 minutes. And it's a snowy day out there, so, so I've got to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And welcome to the Triforce Podcast. Featuring Louis Brindley. Hello. Perian Flax. What's up. And me, Brian. How are you, how are you Brian?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is bronchitis on the spectrum though? Like what's worse than it and what's better than it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is for your own good. Do they, do you think they have like commercials? Cause it's like privatized and there's competition and stuff. Do you think they have commercials? Like, next time you need an ambulance, look no further than Craig!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, so I've had my gallbladder removed. Do you guys know what that is? Or what it even does?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Goldbladder is definitely one of them, because I've been fine for the past like 8 years without one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck could I could do with some girl right now? No, I had like this, like it's a genetic thing apparently, like uhm, I had like this like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, some of the bile was like crystallized inside my gallbladder. And, uh, and when, uh, when you eat something that's like really high in fat, you know, like, cause when we were cavemen, we didn't, we didn't eat like a lot of fat, but when we did eat fat, it was like a huge amount in like one go. So the idea was that your, your gallbladder would like activate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pump out some more bile into your stomach to help you break down fats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, so uhm, so, fucking, there's like the, it was crystallized and there's like this little tiny fucking tube that's like super duper, like, sensitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, when, when the gallbladder goes to do its thing, it was trying to push like little rocks through it, and holy fuck. Like, I used to live close to the hospital. I was up in the night, and same as Purion, I was barfing and everything. I was like, what the fuck, I'm dying. Like, I actually, I've never felt this horrible in my whole life. I was like in,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went over to the emergency room and they were like, oh shit, like you might have had a heart attack or something. I was like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they checked me for all this stuff and they're like, nah, you haven't had a heart attack, you can go home. I was like, oh, what the fuck though, like I'm still in a lot of pain and I've been barfing and stuff. They're like, well, we can't do anything for you. All right, thanks. It was pretty weird. But then I went to the doctors and he's like, yeah, they gave me an ultrasound, saw this crystallized stuff and, and then they just like keyhole surgery, bam, removed my gallbladder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They gave me like a little cup at the end with like all of the fucking like hardened crystals. They were gross. Holy shit. They looked like rotten teeth. It was, it was really, they were like clicking around inside this thing.