[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's it like converting? First of all, was it a demand?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, I mean, I, you know, if I have somebody come in the show and I go like, this might be funny to drop with them. I'll prep it. I'll get it ready. I like it. So, Natasha converted. Yeah. It's so intense. I find it fascinating. I really do. I mean, I'm, I was raised pretty, I wouldn't say like intensely, but like pretty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you also totally love the fact that, I mean, other cultures do this, but like in Jewish culture, it really, like, Jewish people will support each other, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm serious, but they, people will support each other. It lifts up a community. Like you don't see that in every culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, I also, I'm really into the fact that you're not like, yeah, I did this thing to fucking, I don't know, pray with him and sacrifice kids, whatever Jews do. You're like, fully like, really on board with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They definitely know who the Yankees are, but they, uh, have, uh, accents. And you're like, you're born here? And you raise here? I'm like, yeah, definitely. And heavy accent. You're like, oh, you came when you were 12? I'm like, no, no, I was born here. But it's like, yeah, totally. You know, they have the heavy accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't party you though when you hear, like, in any religion, like, let's talk about, you know, Christianity or Islam. When you think about someone's level of devotion being that high, you're like, man, that is just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too much. To give your life to this. I mean, I just go like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I mean, I respect someone's dedication to it. I'm like, you're making your whole life about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I noticed my mom's pretty, pretty religious, you know, not like dedicated in the type of way that your father was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she doesn't carry a Bible with her, but I mean, she wears a necklace with Virgin Mary or something on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is the House of the Lord, but one thing about her is that like when she does get stressed out, she's very overwhelmed, she's very anxious, but the only thing that kind of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brings that anxiety down a lot of time is prayer or the thought that like it'll be taken care of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, you toured with that, with this show though for a while, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the issue though? I don't like, I don't like that, okay, when you go into like a treatment room and you're there, it's like, it's all you. You pull apart, you, you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The nanny, the nanny's coming in the RV. I sense you have contempt for this trip already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, as a, as a woman, I can't even begin to like entertain this, but like as a guy, when you have to fart, you always- How do you deal with this problem?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you guys think this is funny? Just be honest. Does it have to do with shit? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I'm a big, uh, proponent of, like, that screams can be funny. It's just the shout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Parents, even siblings that are separated for a long time. A lot of times when they're reunited, the feelings are so overwhelming, it can be confusing that they'll shift sometimes into sexual feelings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd almost be more pleased with having done that and not even getting to park. Like I could leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take the points on that. Yea, you win. That's fucking, it's almost unbelievable that he could come up with that. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did say that you could meet him at the bus station. I don't know the site that it was pulled from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So weird. So weird. We were talking to this kid. Oh, by the way, have you noticed that you know that some people watch comedy specials with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Subtitles on. We do sometimes. Okay, wait. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, right, but you're saying something different. I'm saying that we got emails about this guy was like, I was watching a special with my friend, his subtitles were on. He's sitting there laughing at things before they're said because he's reading them. Right. And, and then he's like, you know, I've noticed that a lot of people are doing it and people who are not hearing impaired. Why is it like an odd thing to do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? I don't know why they're doing it, but I am of the thought that it's gotta be kind of ruining it a bit. It's like staying a step ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're missing a bit, I mean, they're misquoting, they throw it up way before you say it, or it's late, it's not matching up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially if you are, if you are, if you can hear the reason why would you do that to yourself. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess. My theory on it was that this guy's doing it because like maybe he's just like a little anxious and doesn't want the mystery of where is this going. He wants to stay like a second ahead so it like almost comforts him. It's bizarre. It's bizarre.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got you. Just a good point. Okay, we'll just wrap up on that. Alright, that makes sense. Okay, uhm, so this guy-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's uh, the biggest celebrity that this show has ever created. Okay. He's legendary. He's amazing. And he's contributed so much, but there's a mystery as to what he's saying in one part of this video. Okay. Okay. You can give me your version of what you think he's saying. So I'll just start it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a controversy about what he's saying right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many different versions that people are, I mean, people have said he's saying, uh, ho me on out, hold me down, hollow me out, um, uh, own me in and out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he was like, uh, he basically goes, I dedicate a video to you. Like, he dedicated a video to us. And that was his response. And he got overwhelming, like, contact from our listeners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I mean, I also was like, or just get back to me with what you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a very good, that's a very good point. I think you're right. And I think you are reluctantly being the lead detective in this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I understand you feeling like, I feel like it's almost like a very, very defined male female storyline. Because you're, you're being, you're being composed, you're being rational, you're thinking ahead about-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We almost, the only people who don't think about who they're saying things like that to are literally crazy people. That's why they're crazy. Right. Because they're like, yeah, I'll say that to the fucking 6'5", you know, 300 pounds. It's like Pablo. Our dog barks at like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I, but the thing is, like, I identify with what he did. But you wouldn't have done it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Depends. He might have done it. It depends. It depends. I mean, I think the older I get now, like you said, being a parent, I do think about things like that, like my behavior, um, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Recently, I won't go into the whole thing, it was too long, but recently I was disrespected by somebody and I had


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate that fucking disrespect to the other performers too. And I almost got in a fight


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I went to host the second show. And she started to do it, but because I was so worked up from watching her, I like immediately was like, shut the fuck up. And somebody was like, don't talk to her like that. Ah, you're the asshole. I was like, hey asshole, I've been here and she said something. Anyways, I call her a cunt. People were like, whoa, I'm definitely like just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a showcase that I'm, I'm not showcasing. I'm hosting for them for the other comics. And I'm so mad that she's ruining this for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know they were, but then somebody was like, some woman goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't say that to her. That's my friend. I go, that's your friend? Then you're a cunt too. And then people got up and left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the show kind of actually started to kind of go together. Well, the friends, the friend who was like, that's my friend, her son,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just staring, he was like, can I talk to you for a second? I was like, alright. And I go outside, he's like, you called my mom a cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he points to like the friend and I go, I didn't really, I didn't call her and he's like, yes you did. You said blah, blah, blah. He's like, I want you to apologize to my mom. And her mom was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking all like up at me like, you know, meek and she was like, what happened? Why were you so angry? I go, cause your fucking friend is talking. They're like, well, she's been drinking and this. And I go exactly like get her out of here. Anyways, we have this whole thing and I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'm calm now, I'll say this. Sorry I said that to your mother, I'm not sorry I said that to her though. Uh huh. And they were like, okay, fair enough. They shook on it. Yea yea, and the kid, you could see, like, he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was so fired up that I said that and then he just kind of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get that, but I also think you can feel like the enlightened, smarter one who avoids the cops. You can!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know what it is. Sorry. No, it's just nothing. Let's remind people that the special is on Netflix. If you haven't seen it, it's fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for saying it was good. Absolutely. And you can see them live after an 11 day RV trip in Seattle. Uh, second show has been added. July 6th. July 6th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to moshacasher.com. Thank you guys for coming over today. Dude, thank you guys. Thanks, dude. You guys are so cool. We'll leave you with this original mouse, mom's house scat by Matt C. Thank you guys. We'll see you next week. Love scatting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Jean, what's going on with you on the road?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2019 is gonna be absolutely bananas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the two of us, we're both doing a bunch of dates. I got many to announce soon, but not yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's still some things, let's see. There was a few tickets left for the Brea weekend in August?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friday tickets are available for Breast Balls Beach, the West Palm Beach Improv, that's in late August.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll see, September's all sold out. October, I have a few tickets left at the second show in Boise. The second show in Eugene, Oregon is on sale now. And then there's Ball Sacramento, Fresno, Bakersfield.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I think that's it. Let's see. Oh, Philly Abdelpia has a second show. Orlando, Florida has a second show. And, uh, Jacksonville. Fart Myers, Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are all on sale. Topscorer.com. Check them out. Try it out. Enjoy it. Have fun. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, look, let's get serious. A lot of people want to talk silly stuff, and uhm, you know, make light of unimportant things. This is a little more sophisticated show, and I'm kind of sick of the silliness. I want to talk about real issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, every week I want hard-hitting, geopolitical, international debates. I want to talk about comparative economics, and I... Alright, well, that's, you know, you do what you want to do. I'll do what I do. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] None of it was addressed. How loud he comes. Does he make a lot of noise when he comes? Cause if you don't know the premise of the movie, it did very well at the box office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's that there's these crazy aliens out there that, uhm, kill anything basically that makes a noise. So the world is in utter chaos and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He and his family are living out in a field somewhere basically in a farmhouse and they, you know, if you knock something over you immediately have to hide because these aliens that kill everything are blind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they have super hearing, so they hear every little noise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's out there if you're ready to make a move. It seems like the natural-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, because I know that, I mean, without being really keyed into it, that that whole business model has taken such a hit because of free, you know, tube sites.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it used to be, when people made a lot of money, you know, first of all, there was, porn used to be in cinemas, then it was, you had to go buy-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole thing is, don't you want to be alone when you watch porn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or even if you go, like, I'm not going to. It's like, then aren't you just always distracted by other guys jerking off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cinema. Yeah, but then, then they got paid money because they sold a lot of video tapes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you were selling copies, then DVDs, but now with Free, I think it's really driven the money down. So, but I think you're at least making a few hundred bucks for your Pregnant Porn scenes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's not, it's a niche thing, it's not like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you do like the airtight, the two in you, three in you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's a really cool thing to share with a child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, or just really committed to the game. Or smart, yeaah. Really committed. I think that there's a level of commitment there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it kind of reminds me of the CrossFit games. Those people work out a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you one of my greatest motivators? I know it sounds super sexist, but I look at it and I'm like holy shit. How dare you. I do think of it as motivation. I know someone will take it the wrong way because this is the era of taking everything so seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That are like, 125 pounds? Yes, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That are stronger than me. Sure. So I look at it and I'm like, this chick is out squatting me, out cleaning me, like it's out, I look at it and I'm like, holy shit. I mean, it sounds like I'm saying, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This shouldn't be possible, but I'm really just amazed by it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw an Instagram thing. I should look it up, who it is, but this woman was, I mean, like, looks like she's about 5'3", uhm, 125 pounds, I mean, totally yoked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But throwing around real weight, like cleaning real weight, and I was like, oh my god, I need to get into the gym more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean obviously I'll never work out to the degree that she works out, her whole life is working out, but it still was amazingly motivating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, look, so we were talking about, first let's finish this, uh, frequency thing, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that, that whole movie, I don't want to give it away, but they're just trying to find, you know, what can defeat these super.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sonic aliens, and it got us thinking about sounds and frequencies. Is there, that's what they're dealing with. I mean, just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try to learn a little bit. Try to open your mind and learn a little bit here, okay? I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Music and frequencies and sounds, any of that. But I just feel like King Ashripper would blow away this engineering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another great drop. Yeaah. Uhm, yeaah, I know, they, uh, they don't. I mean, that's breaking news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. It's really wild. I mean- How do you do it? I dunno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing is like now you can't, I mean I think it's, I think in a way the woman leads, right? Because a woman makes it clear to a man, no, if you make it clear that it's not accept, like really not acceptable, where she's made it clear it's not gonna happen, uhm, then you're only doing that because you want to really upset that person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, why just sneak one out? Why not just go for it completely?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you kind of admire it, right? That, that they stay that committed to keeping it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, he eats well, it's fine. Like, let's jump over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those, those, those anybody would forgive. That's completely unreasonable. But I'm talking about you're awake. You gotta fart. I mean, God, how many a day are we?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean my favorite farts are the ones that wake you up. You wake me up with farts all the time. Nice, I was just asleep. Burp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your porn quest, your pregnancy porn. Yeah. Looks like the mommies are uh, flooding some comments in Pornhub. There's a comment section there. Oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This says like if you keep your jeans high and tight. 250 thumbs up here. Uhm, then someone wrote try it out. 92 thumbs up. So, it's like we have a fan base here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's on Pornhub. He should have taken about 10 to 12 Benadryl. That stuff makes you hornier than you've ever been in your entire life. Try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Piss on me, beat me, try it out, hey hitlers. I mean these are all...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty good, yeaah. Oh, it's one, it looks like it says it's one of the, uh, uh, ball hog videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone said, I had to check out the Pornhub, uh, ball hog videos. Horrific. Who wants to see someone slurp on balls for 80% of a video anyways? Just wanted to let you know that Mommy's took over the comments. So it is, it is on the, um, the ball hog video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really hard for me to say. It's really hard for me. Well, we saw a little bit of Chicago. But we saw six seconds, it was on TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I lasted literally the first, not even to the completion of the first scene of La La Land because they started singing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can tolerate it, I guess. I think I probably like Abba more than the straight up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chicago musical songs. For that, for that movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Songs for a- yeah, a musical story. I could tolerate ABBA more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, here's the thing, the older I get, the more I understand that people like all kinds of different things and, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Enrages you sometimes. What's funny to me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that they don't, the people that love that get mad at you for not loving it. That's the funny part. Because I remember when we talked about slam poetry and we made fun of that. And then people would write in like, I love it. I'm like, so go love it. Why are you, why does it affect you? What I like? I'm just telling you what I like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this must have been, was this a huge hit when it came out originally, the original one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My girlfriend of three years always burps this way. She doesn't even try. That's just how it comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since the end of our second trimester, she's had super farts as well. Now she is totally dominating me in the gas game, and I'm feeling a little jealous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. I would say this David, you better celebrate for about another week because it's about to be over. So just know that it's temporary. You know, it's almost like she has a cheat code.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's, it's time to, uh, let her know that, you know, she can enjoy this while it lasts, because it's not gonna last much longer. She's 39 weeks pregnant. She's right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, burps kinda go here and there. Uhm, another reminder before I forget, I've been trying to remind people that new episodes are going on Twitch before YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, we will be experimenting a little further down the road with live ones, but for right now, YouTube uploads at 11 PM Pacific Tuesday evenings. Twitch will do 9 PM Pacific and it's twitch.tv slash your mom's house podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there is that reminder. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. What? Well, I just feel like, I feel like farts kinda go back and forth too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it might be like what I told you was that it might technically...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have started- has started out as people saying, a sun visor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My whole life, whenever someone's referring to that hat, no one says son. It's just like a visor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, look, like I said, I thought it made sense. A sports visor, also called a sun visor, or visor cap, is a type of crownless hat. Blah, blah, blah. It's a visor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, like I said, I think technically it might be called a Sun Visor. Maybe. Makes sense that that was the original name. But if you're talking to people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This looks like that, the, the thing for your windshield. They're calling that a sun shade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was funny. You did go like, hey, a sun visor. Look at that. Look at that lady walked by. Like, you mean a visor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, should we pause for a moment? Cause our guest should be here any moment. Press pause. Should we do that? Take a quick pause and we'll be right back. Alright, we're back. We took a quick break and our guest is joining us now. He says here you've done some acting. It says there I've done some acting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know you guys were down here. I mean, I heard a lot of noise down here and I thought there must be people that live down there. Look, it's surreal that you're sitting in front of me. Um, because first of all, first of all, what the fuck are you taking? Is it, is this how you don't look older? This juice? What's going on with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause you know, a lot of the baseball players, especially the Dominican guys, um, would lie about their age, uh, when the recruiters went down. So they'd be like 17 and the scouts would show up and they'd be like, I'm 14.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they would get signed and Poole Holtz was the guy who. Cause 17 was too old? Yeaah. Really? With modeling. Cause they'd be playing in these like little league teams and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the guy would finally get in the majors and really, some of them really start to show their age and they'd be like, you're 23. The guy's like, nah, I'm actually 31, but you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You actually graduated high school as what would be considered a short guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and I see, I'm trying to think if I ever imagined how tall you were, because I remember, uhm, you know, my first exposure to you was Weekend Update, and I don't think you, when you were watching that- You were sitting down. Yeah, of course, you don't have anything. You never tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a catheter in one time in the hospital, I was in the hospital and the nurse tripped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it pulled out like, when I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, and I was like, what the? She was like, oh, I'm sorry. That wasn't supposed to happen. I was like, don't say anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, and I've tried to eliminate it. You can't. It's, it's, uh, I went without it for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it opens up the gate. It's like a, it's like cocaine. Oh, it goes crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the sugar lobby is massive and so powerful. It's in everything. It's in everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically we were saying how the money has been driven down for the performers and actors because it used to be in cinema and then people would buy videotapes and DVDs and now it's like free on YouTube. It's not, you know, well people are stealing it and just playing it so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so crazy to me too that you're actually one of those, cause there's always these stories about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's just cool too because you know that, you know, you go into any place now, there's so many staff that are like, oh, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. Yeah, and she got it through stripping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People ended up taking, so this is our game, was to go like, hey mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there's so many inside jokes, like it's own lexicon in this, in this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyways, people would go in and go like, uh... Or the n-word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really the most, people start, when we started sharing that we did this, people started to, uh, make them, like, record themselves doing it, and they would throw in the fucking most insane requests, and the thing that stood out to us is that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those drive thru people, so many of them are on autopilot. Yeaah. So no matter what you're saying, they're just like. Yes sir. You got it. You got it. Yeaah. Sure. This is a Hitler's order. Here you go. Give it to him. The fries are still on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you've been working for a while, uh, do you have any advice for Johnny Depp? Uhm... For Johnny Depp? Yea, so, I don't know if you are, uhm... Yea, I am, I'm familiar with what's going on. You read about that or no? Yea, I think so. Six hundred and fifty million dollars he's earned thus far. He burns through a lot of cash.


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[Assistant] Were you like really, when you started to make money, were you very uhm, you know, aware, like I gotta save, I gotta keep


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[Assistant] It is amazing. I don't know if you think about this, but the longer you do this and you have like some exposure to some success, the more you look at people who've done it for a long time and you're like, man, how do they do that for so long? Like the fact that you've been, you know, working and creating stuff for this long. It's amazing to me.


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[Assistant] First of all, he paid 5.6 million in late fees to the IRS, which he blames the business manager for, but the business manager says they were always late because he never had enough cash to pay on time. So that because he was ripping through cash.


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[Assistant] 100 million on maintaining his 14 residences, which include a 45 acre chateau in the south of France, chain of islands in the Bahamas, multiple homes in Hollywood, several penthouse lofts in downtown LA, horse farm in Kentucky. He went to Singapore and spent 120,000 on suits.


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[Assistant] Uh, he's collected 70 vintage guitars. He has 14, um, storage facilities for like Hollywood memorabilia here. Geez.


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[Assistant] Now, uh, Depp said it wasn't 3 million, it was actually 5 million.


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[Assistant] 200 piece art collection, which yea, I get why you would do that. He apparently spends as much as $200,000 a month just on chartering flights.


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[Assistant] Worth every penny. Hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to employ a full-time sound engineer to feed him lines during filming. 45 cars he bought, uh, yeaah. I don't know, it just kind of goes on and on. Yeaah, the storage facilities, it's like, it's hundreds of thousands. He has a personal doctor. I like that. I'd spend money on that. Million a year.


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[Assistant] Yeah, two million a year annually for around the clock security for himself and his mother prior to her death. I would hire somebody just to remind me of my passwords. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Translate the fame of it to Crushing Box all the time, like especially in New York. Like would you guys just be on a tear? Cause you were on, I think everyone has an era kind of that they follow the most. Depending on their age, yeah. Yeah, depending on your age. Cause like I couldn't list, I couldn't tell you the last 10 casts of that show, but I know


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[Assistant] Especially the early to mid nineties cast real well because that was the era that I never missed. That was must see TV. And when you were on, uh, but you were on with like, I can Farley Sandler rock and all those guys were on during your era. Right. Right. Was chasing tail like a big part of life for you guys.


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[Assistant] Okay, uhm, right before I moved out here, I was a researcher for America's Most Wanted, the television show. How do you research that? So they would just give you, uhm, you know, potential. You've heard this story before? She's like, I'm out. So they'll give you potential.


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[Assistant] Crimes, uh, or crimes and potential suspects.


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[Assistant] Find out more and then you pitch the, uhm, basically the editor of the show, uh, not like


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[Assistant] Editor, like written editor, but you know, like the, like the.


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[Assistant] Like the, like a newspaper editor style. It's how we get like a bullpen and we would pitch this guy. I guess he's an executive producer. So we would just go like, Hey, I got this guy. He's a fucking rapist. He's in Costa Rica. He skipped out on bail.


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[Assistant] Could be really good sh- like it was really dark stuff. You know, like I read his whole diary. He's really fucking horrible. I think we should do this one. And then I would- you try to make your case for why it would be, uh, a good- a good guy to profile. I did that for a while.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if they got them, you'd get points. Yeah. No, so that was, um, that was, I don't know. That was. But as a, like a teenager or you're.


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[Assistant] Oh, I mean, I did, uh, I fucking, I remember I was telling her the other day, cause they're redoing a bathroom here and they're going to put some tile in. And I go, man, when I was, uh,


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[Assistant] In high school, my friend's dad bought these apartments. They're like a shitty area. This is in Florida, South Florida. In the summer, we had to relay tile. In all of them, with no air conditioning.


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[Assistant] In the summertime, it was fucking brutal, man. Mosquitoes. I did that, uhm, I worked at Grainger, the industrial supply place in college.


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[Assistant] Doing menial office stuff. Then when I got out here, I was a transcriber for reality shows. You transcribe everything someone says. You're a good typist. I mean, I'm okay. I don't know. It's fucking not worth celebrating. Then I was a post coordinator. Then I worked at a restaurant for a little while. Um,


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[Assistant] On Sunset, a place called Chibo, I worked there for a little while.


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[Assistant] Then, uh, Chi-bo or Chi-bo. Chi-bo. Chi-bo. Chi-bo. Chi-bo. Then it was a site rep, which was actually one of those. What's a site rep?


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[Assistant] So, let's say you own, uhm, whatever, your house, and you're like, I want- Oh, that would be great. Uh, yeah, you go, I want productions to be able to shoot here. Oh, I see, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, when you do that,


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[Assistant] The company that represents your house sends a rep.


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[Assistant] No, but the best business is when you own...


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[Assistant] A building, it's not necessarily a home, but just a building. And it's perfect for shooting for whatever reason. Oh my god, they rake it in. You just get like a fee, like your talent for your building.


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[Assistant] Yes. So you could, you could actually use the old school newspaper bullpen look and they built a fake courthouse in there, jail cell, all these things.


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[Assistant] I love that manager, like it was funny cause I went to her taping, she did a Netflix thing a few weeks ago and I show up and I'm like,


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[Assistant] Oh, when you're not recording, but you're at one of these things, you never feel the stress, you know, like I showed up and she was like, she's like, ah, you know, I'm just going over myself. I'm like,


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[Assistant] Was that, uhm, was there a particular sketch where you realized, uhm, the next day or the next week that, oh, this has made me way more famous? Like, cause you're walking around, people?


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[Assistant] And was fever pitch of fame from that doing like the, uh, well obviously weekend updates gotta make you, you're in people's faces.


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[Assistant] You know, people would be reciting sketches.


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[Assistant] Now did, did it because you were busy with Weekend Update, would that...


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[Assistant] NBC, yeaah. NBC. He's gonna be there August 9th.


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[Assistant] 10th and 11th. Uhm, that's, Kevin, this is you, right? Yeaah, yeaah. Kevin Nealon, uh, 9th and 11th, and then... And Annapolis the next day. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] I thought, literally for a moment, you were about to say, and I couldn't remember, and then I couldn't do stand up, and then Johnny came over and he said, what the fuck are you doing?


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[Assistant] I'll say this, one of the times I did stand up on, I think it was on Conan, maybe the first time, when I was behind the curtain, I go, how much time do I have?


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[Assistant] And I meant before they bring me out.


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[Assistant] Oh no! No! He goes, he wants to know how much time he has. And I see him radio, and he goes, you have like five minutes. And I'm like, alright. So I'm like, I have five minutes to stand here and contemplate. I was starting to get like,


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[Assistant] And he was like, ladies and gentlemen, my next guest. And I was like, hey, motherfucker, you just said five minutes. He's like, no, you're right now, right now. And then it, but it was like, it threw me into walking out with like,


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[Assistant] Panic, you know, but it was okay because I don't know. I was able to just kind of regroup, but I remember thinking like, I have five minutes to stand here and have that ruined like 10 seconds later. That's a surprise.


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[Assistant] There was a number of stories about how you don't cross him.


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[Assistant] We're kind of obsessed with dental care. You have a very nice smile. I know that you know that already.


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[Assistant] I was at that with you by the way. Were you really? Yea, I was at the uhm, like when they first were seeing people for that show.


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[Assistant] But when they were first, yea, when they were first seeing people, I'm saying, I remember I parked next to you, and I didn't really know you.


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[Assistant] And I was going to a reading. Oh, I saw you. I remember you. Yeah, it was a while ago. You had a bigger beard at the time, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably a bigger body too.


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[Assistant] But, I remember because I ran into, uhm, I definitely remember you, cause I remember, one of the three arts guys, I remember was walking around, I remember, he was talking to me and he was like, Kevin, how are you? Like that, yea, like that.


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[Assistant] I did get the part, now that I think about it, yeaah. But you have been great at it too. It worked out. It worked out. Uhm. Do you floss? Yea, I do.


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[Assistant] Now wait a minute, how, we're big fans of the built-in bidets. How happy are you with it?


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[Assistant] We have a few, we have a Toto Washlet 350e, and then this company Bio Bidet sent us one, uh, uh. Really?


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[Assistant] It's fun. It's fun. It's just, um, I don't know. It just feels like. Then you got a car to everything over there, right? Yeah. We got to bring like computers and have sound checks and I don't know. Yeah. I just like doing it in the studio.


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[Assistant] Oh good, thanks. Uhm, Kevin Nealon, you can see him at Heal'em Comedy Club in Philadelphia this August, and uh, you can see him on, what is it, Last Man Standing? Uh, no, it's called Man with a Plan on CBS on Monday nights. Sorry, I heard Man.


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[Assistant] Uhm, no, so it's, you're not a hiker, are you?


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[Assistant] Hiking with Kevin. Alright, there it is. Uhm, we'll leave you on this song. We have, uh, listeners that create songs. Uhm, it's called She's Got Tits by Joseph and John Juarez. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you Kevin Nealon for being here.


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[Assistant] No, I figured that asshole's making a comeback, cause he was kinda gone. And, uh, I went here, we had all these names picked out, I went, this one's gonna, you're gonna flinch at first, but then I want you to sit on it, cause it's different. Cause I, I don't like regular names like Jim, Bob, all that sort of thing. So I went, just hear me out here.


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[Assistant] Starting to feel it out and boom, that's it. Tiger pack shop.


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[Assistant] I mean, I came home and, uh, she had like the test on, like, oh shit, we gotta call someone, we gotta tell someone. And I was like, I gotta call my dad first. My dad's like very strict businessman, like super business, where I get all my work ethic from. And I call my dad.


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[Assistant] And I, I've been on speakerphone, my girl's like in tears, all excited, and I'm like, watch this, and I go, hey daddy, what's up? I go, Joanna's pregnant. Silence. And he goes,


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[Assistant] Did you ever see the guys who came out as a Australian or New Zealand cat and they must've studied all night and they came out the exact men in black outfits and did the dance. Here come the men in black. Loser win. I think he won.


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[Assistant] They don't get how bad that hurts, man. As an athlete or a comic, you're sensitive, man. Of course. Like, I remember I, uh, I just, when I played at University of Colorado, I had to sit out a year, so I red-shirted. So I went playing the games, I'd suit up. I remember, I won't say what family member it is, cause I'm gonna get pissed. And so all the family's there where all the players go.


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[Assistant] And I went and they're like, oh my god, you played so great. That was fantastic. And I was like,


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[Assistant] Fuck you man. Like it hurt my feelings so bad. Or I remember my, first time my mom saw me do stand up, was at the Laugh Factory. Oh man, stand up is deep. Was at the Laugh Factory with my aunt.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, I come out and I go, did you guys have fun? My mind goes.


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[Assistant] It was, it was interesting. You know, uh, and she just changed it real fast. She went, I saw Kevin Eiland though. I went.


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[Assistant] No, my dad, my dad, first of all, my dad was in Monterey at the car show with my brother. This is last week, mind you. And someone goes, someone goes, oh, they're talking about, uh, kids. And my dad goes, oh yeah, my son lives in California. And the guy goes, oh, what's he do out there? And my dad goes,


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[Assistant] Uh, he gets on stage and then, uh, he's like an internet personality, but then he'll get on stage and like tell stories and my brother, you know, he's my tour manager, he goes, no, you just stand up comedy. Dad, my dad goes, no, no, no, no, he doesn't do that. He gets on stage and like tell stories. He doesn't do comedy. And my brother's like,


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[Assistant] That's exactly what he does. Why would he make tetanus stations? I just, he just doesn't. Or my dad, this is like, this is like a year ago, goes, you know, I think you should do some


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[Assistant] That hurts. And your dookie shoot. Two at a time? It just depends.


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[Assistant] And I was having fun with it and I was like, this isn't that dangerous. I don't have a helmet on. And then I floored, I put in the third gear and it swiped around. And I'm facing incoming traffic on BCH. And literally I was like, I can't do this. I can't die, man.


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[Assistant] Let's talk about these crazy thoughts, sorry. My thought, it is crazy, I've never felt older because now I'm like super into my lawn.


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[Assistant] That's some real dad shit. Some dad shit, bro. My lawn water, and my ficuses, and I'm just, my gait, it's like that's my shit now.


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[Assistant] It's hard, it's hard for me. It's hard to travel. People are way better at me. I suck at like vacation stuff like that. I don't like hotels. Cause when you're on the road, how many hotels have you stayed in? So when you go in the hotel, I'm like that to me, like I can't shut down here. Like I can't relax here in the hotel. I just can't.


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[Assistant] College kids. Dude, I was talking about on my show, you're, I think you, Burt watches a little college football, right? Yea, he watches.


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[Assistant] But I don't know, like in the comedy scene, like my friends, I don't, I don't know anyone who watches sports. Callan doesn't, Rogan doesn't, Delia doesn't.


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[Assistant] They're not. I still feel like it's the exception too with the CT when you see guys come out with CT.


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[Assistant] I'm like, yeah, but where's all the guys who don't have it? We don't hear from them. The majority don't have it.


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[Assistant] He's like, what? I'm like, head down, crown of your head. You might, you might be singing a different tune though when you see him in high school and he's this baller, then Tom comes in like, damn, we got an offer from Stamford.


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[Assistant] Jiu-Jitsu's fine for confidence. Kickboxing? No, no, no. Well, I wouldn't let him spar.


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[Assistant] Uhm, wouldn't let him fight. Definitely wouldn't let him fight. No, fighting's bad, right?


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[Assistant] The big dick energy moves lay on your back and just spread your legs. Yeah. He's got them butt. The girl's like, okay. She's like, I guess bro. I guess. Got a cool Maserati.


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[Assistant] Hey, that's coming from a guy with 50 shades of brown teeth though. Hold on now. Look at mine, bro.


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[Assistant] He has a podcast that's all boxing too, so. Who's this? Oh, he does? Uh, Mario Lopez does. He does? Yeah. So he really knows his shit then, he must. I think, he like hangs around the fires and stuff. Do you watch a lot of boxing or no? Uhm, I do, yeah I do. You're gonna watch that Fury, uh. I'm working it. You're working it? Yep. I'll be working around it. Wait, you're calling it?


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[Assistant] If someone held a gun to my head and was like, hey, you can only do, or whatever, if you can only do one thing, you'd be stand up.


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[Assistant] Between podcast and stand up, but if, if I want to go on the road more, standard would beat it. But I mean, yeah. That's great.


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[Assistant] Andy's the producer on this and I, I fly out, uhm, literally tomorrow, 6am. To do, is it New York? It's New York, but it's gonna be filmed in LA, so we're shooting the first four in New York, and then, uh, And it's gonna be you and, like, co-hosting? Yeah, so it's, it's kinda like the, think of like the view, but for Dude to watch Bravo.


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[Assistant] No. I would love to do that. Do you know Jared Connell at all? I know who he is. He's a great dad. He's a great host. Is it just you two? No, it's two other guys. Who are the other guys? I can't say the other guys. Oh, you can't say? The press release comes out tomorrow. Oh, I'm so excited.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they're weird about that stuff. No, I get it. But it's Michael Davies who did, like, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, uh, Below the Belt, all these huge shows. And then, um, Andy Cohen, uh, Jerry O'Connell, myself. Dude, that's great. I love it. Yeah, I love Bravo stuff, man. We watch all that stuff.


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[Assistant] The thing is, you can't control it. Like, when you get hurt, there's no way to be tough about it, you know? No. What's the most horrific injury you've had? I've been fortunate, man. I've been, you know, I mean, nothing.


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[Assistant] But, but I feel like, I feel like, uh, I don't mean to interrupt your time. I feel like in stand-up, it's very black and white, and you're like, well, you're not getting laughs though, man. You're not something that's on the road.


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[Assistant] I'm like, no, that's not true. I know some of the greats say that. I don't agree with that. I think if you're bombing that much, out of a thousand times, you don't have any bits that anyone laughs at. We all bomb. If you bomb all the time, it's not good. I remember me and Bert were talking, I think it was on his podcast, he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, what? And he goes, and then we came back and you're like, Oh God. I was like, yeah, shit happens, man.


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[Assistant] The guy, I never looked it up, yea. I get balls deep in that stuff. Comprado. Yea. I love that guy that plays El Chapo.


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[Assistant] Here's my thing, what's, what is this homeboy gonna do? He's like the girl on those freaking, you know, on those, uh, uh, insurance ads.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it looks the same at all of, uh, it looks like El Chapo, that's it.


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[Assistant] Which just came out. I watched the first two, I couldn't get into it. No shit. No. Really. But I'm also a guy who took seven years to get on with Game of Thrones. You guys gave it a winner.


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[Assistant] And that was strange. I couldn't either. And then I was denied. What happened? How did you get into it? I don't know. I would need a show. I was bored. I was like, let me check this shit out. Oh, I was on a plane with the writer, the creators of it. I was on a plane and I thought they were on, uh, they're from always sunny in Philadelphia and then went, yep.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we're shooting in, uh, in, uh, Ireland this year. I went, Ireland? Jesus, so we said in Philadelphia, you guys really went Hollywood. You guys bring it all the way to Ireland and then the-


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[Assistant] Dude, I was in, uh, Spokane, Washington, doing shows, and I was taking an Uber. I get in this Uber, and it's like, I'm like, damn, that's the biggest girl I've ever seen. I don't give a fuck. It's this little shitty Honda, but it is Wreck-It Ralph in this Honda. Fucking shoulders, dress, big arm. I'm like, damn, her shoulders are bigger than mine, son. And I get in, and turns around, and it's like,


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[Assistant] And his fucking, you know, me with a wig on, but it just turned around, I was like,


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[Assistant] It was not good. It's never good, but it's like, you know, his or her arms are like, you tell like a little hairy, it's just like, you gotta try harder.


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[Assistant] I'm not saying I'm against it. All I'm saying is if my son, when he's 14, he's like, dad.


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[Assistant] Like that guy on the show. Well, have you, have you, uh, we had her on our show, Christina Beck? Kristen Beck? Kristen Beck.


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[Assistant] Straight up badass Navy SEAL always felt like a woman and then one of her, you know.


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[Assistant] Navy SEALs, he was like, he, this way he told him, he's like, hey, you want to have drinks on my boat? And he's like, yeah, come over. He used to always come over and he left his dress on. And he just said, his friend came over who was also a SEAL and was like.


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[Assistant] Alright, it's cool man, if this is what you like, don't let the other guys find out about it though. Like just, do your shit, but do it on the side man.


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[Assistant] Like I'm not like Shrek, but there's certain like stores I cannot, I can't even walk in.


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[Assistant] And hoping to meet the right person. I'm a professional artist, creative person. You know who you are. To me, each and every person is beautiful. Open to the possibility of the relationship. Morphine is something more profound.


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[Assistant] How do you not see that? No, there's some warmth. Dude, those eyes are open. No one was like, hey bro, smile a little bit. And also, look at the width of the eyes open. But one's higher than the other, like he's up to something. He looks like a bank robber.


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[Assistant] You know Daniel, he don't want a black woman. He's in Arkansas. I think he's racist.


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[Assistant] What's your theory? Go ahead. Well, go ahead. I think the flyer guy, for him to put that up, leave it there, and then not to smile or anything. That's true. It's so scary.


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[Assistant] A little warm smile, maybe put a, some sort of holiday sweater on. I don't know, something.


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[Assistant] I just know. They said it's gonna take over drug trafficking.


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[Assistant] The other guys I don't trust. Like I don't feel like that guy, I feel like that guy's gonna let me suck his dick and move about his day. The other guy's your safety zone.


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[Assistant] Uh, I think coming from the world of podcasting and stand up where you're kind of the director of the ship and your time, you know, like I can't be gone Monday through Thursday. I have to have these other shows and those stuff I have to do. So if you're just an actor, that's fine. If they book you, you're getting paid. You're fine with those dates, but in the world that we do, you can't leave that.


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[Assistant] No, that's another thing, they do not play. It's not like they're like, oh, you're doing that, that's fantastic. We'll work the entire schedule around that. And then if you can't do it, you can't do it. It's not like that. It's fun to do it, but it's not like it's your...


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[Assistant] I don't know, I don't know man, I just go. You just go? Yea, I just go. If it works out great, if not, whatever.


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[Assistant] I typically do, but then I also, you know, I work for Bravo and E, like I work the Emmys for E next Monday. So I have- You're working the Emmys? Jesus Christ. What are you doing? I do the pre and post show. Oh my goodness.


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[Assistant] I've done the Academy Awards, the Oscars, jeez. What do you do? The fashion part of it? Uh, both. Fashion and the, like, the commentary on the reaction. And like, look who's here. No, I'm not like, oh, here we got frickin' Will Smith. Will, how you feeling tonight? No, I'm not that guy. So what is it? It's like, uh, there's like, uh, four of us. Morgan Stewart, the gang, and we like, comment on who we think's gonna win, fashion, and stuff like that.


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[Assistant] Deanne Carson believes consent must be given by the child before their dirty nappy is removed. Here she is on the ABC.


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[Assistant] I have one. I have one, yes. Wow, this is awesome.


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[Assistant] I mean, let's say- Why, would you marry your mom? I don't know, I'm just putting it out there. Are you, are you queuing up a clip right now?


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[Assistant] Oh man, that's so intense. It's very intense. So would you, would you like hook up with your mom? I would rather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, we gotta do a good job. And then we both go to prison. We gotta do a good job! I mean, they find out. Why are they finding out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of those turds? The two, the two-tirty clock? There's more. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're in the early stages of, uh, getting a new studio, a space for us to expand the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, it'll take a while. It'll take a few months, yea, of course, but you got this whole wow wow thing going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh. But yea, so anyways, we're, uhm, we've been looking at spaces and it'll be a whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, that's uh, Mastermind. Go check out his instrumental playlist. All streaming platforms. Spotify, Apple Music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instrumentals or show inspired songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Submitted here. Just go, uh, send them to yourmomspodcast at gmail.com. There's no house in that. Gene, where are you gonna be doing, uhm, stand-up comedy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, so they moved, you know, the Brea shows to a new place, a block away, a bigger room. The capacity went up to 550, so they released some tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Breast Balls Beach, Saturday is sold out. There's still some tickets left on Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blue jeans. Oregon. October 4th, we added a late show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, The Late Show in Boise, Boise Seed, Idaho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sacramento only had a few tickets left. Fresno, Fartno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bakersfield, Fartmire's Florida, uh, Jack Meofville and Orlando are all moving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Augusta, gotta get those tickets before they're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uh, Montclair, same thing. And fill her up, Delphia. That second show is, uh, is getting real close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Uh, and we did of course put a show on sale at Pechanga in Temecula. So, all at TomSegura.com slash tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what his latest thing was when I finally was like, I go like, so what the fuck's going on? What are you doing? He goes, it's just how I breathe. And I go, no it's not. It's not just how you breathe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, maybe it does. I don't know. He, um, uh, he just goes, he totally just goes like, oh no, just don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you breathe? No it's not. Like you have shortness of breath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kills me more his answer to it than that he's doing it. You know what I mean? Like when someone just goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just how I- No, it is not just how you do it. Cause I'm also around you when you're not doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. And it's like excitement breath? Very well could be, but it's not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like something you should just ignore and go, that's just his breathing pattern. It's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no outlet next to my nightstand. I just, I just can't plug in over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes me fucking crazy that that's his explanation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are debuting every episode of Your Moms House two hours before they go to YouTube on Twitch. Twitch.tv slash Your Moms House podcast. Queen Jeans is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We both jumped on a little bit on the stream last week. And we'll be back again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's huge right now. He's really big, but he knows he's really big. He's really big. I talked to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, he's just been going hard, you know? He's been traveling, touring a lot, and uh, he's uh, he's still riding the, uh, marathon flames.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In April? Yeah. The answer is yes. I really kind of went crazy after the marathon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, so he's gonna, he just goes, you know him, it's either hardcore one way or the other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like my dad talking about his breathing. I'm like, that's bad light. It's not a good light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's terrifying to sit next to. I'm serious, I've sat next to him when he's doing that and I go, are you okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, no, I called him, I always check on his, uh, his health and he had some tests and everything, he like passed everything with like flying colors, I'm fine, I'm fine buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't buy it. I don't buy it. I'd need to hear a doctor tell me. It's definitely normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's also, it's not every phone call, and it's not every situation. It's odd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some days God just gives you gifts all day long. Yeaah. This could be one of those days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Personally, I don't think I would be embarrassed, and I'll tell you why. I don't keep saved things on my phone. Is God pulling up my search history? Yes. That's an issue. But, saved items? I don't keep things saved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I feel like that's kind of a, I mean you only, what you save is you save the horrifying thing to show your friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the jokey stuff, the really outrageous stuff, which everyone knows that you're doing that just to kind of shock people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he knows when you wanna cum. He knows that there's stuff that- If you're going for your cum stuff, you save the cum stuff? I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have that type of friend. I don't have it. I really don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, no. That doesn't really happen for me. I don't have friends that are like, this is hot. Gross. You wanna, man, I don't know what makes you cum, but this made me cum. It's not like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stuff that she pulls up when she wants to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the way I found out about this lady. She's got a YouTube channel. She does this shit all the time. She travels all over the world. Her channel gets like, you know, 100 views a video. So I have no idea how she funds this. She does this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then the best is that she's in Europe right now. You see everybody walks by. Europeans are so much more comfortable with this stuff. They don't guilt trip people for watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're just kind of like, oh, this is a really crazy person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you don't realize that that's just a story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder though, if you're this crazy, how do you get through, like how do you get through breakfast? Like actually, how are you too crazy to interact in life? But you're, you know what I mean? Like you don't know how crazy this is, but you know how to get on a plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I traveled from Tennessee to Amsterdam to be like, what's on your phone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, when I was in, um, Charlotte, a couple of years in a row, there's a corner there on, uh, what is it, Tryon Street, where somebody's up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing not this stuff, but some similar thing, preaching just on the corner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knows everything, right? Again, we're saying him a gender right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think a lot of it has to do with the social construct that he's been brought up in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I did this show where they played this clip that marijuana is actually racist, the word. Interesting. You should be saying cannabis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, uh, yeaah, I was on the, this is when I did the H3 podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Ethan Klein and Hila. Hila. Uhm, that sounds like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but they played this for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I'm not down with racism of any form or any kind. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are really rubbing it in the faces of people like me, people of Latin descent, people who have families that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I grew up in these areas and that have been marginalized for centuries. And so I, yeaah, I stood up for this guy. I'm also fucking stupid. So, that's just how I feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a perfect example of when the end of the world and this is liberals who have lost their minds. This is the far left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In their heads that uhm, you know, that everything is a problem, every language. Everything is a problem. Every look, every indicator, every, hey what's your, you should meet people and go, what's your pronoun? Like, when the nonsense takes over, it's uhm, it's really a liberal thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my favorite. I'm really offended when people say the word marijuana. I like when you get offended by something that absolutely nobody, it doesn't register to anyone. You know, like if you're like, uhm, uh, you know, you should really be careful when you say watermelon. It's like, wait, what? Why? They're like, well, you don't know the history of watermelons? No, no one else does either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When Armenians first got to this country, one of the only fruits they consumed were watermelons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you say watermelon, you're really talking about the plight of the Armenian immigrant. Oh, okay. Well, I'm gonna eat some watermelon now. You can go fuck yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Against people with common sense. That's the current...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, does somebody saying something logical and reasonable? You can be completely outraged and be applauded for your outrage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People think you're outrageous if you, uh, back due process.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, well, uh, somebody got accused of a crime, uh, let's wait to see what they have to say for it. And they're like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what? You don't think that person, you don't want to hear what they have to say at all? No?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's between like, every scientist on earth. I think they're involved, NASA's involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, astronauts are involved. Yeah. Satellites are involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all together just to make people think that Earth is round. Because the benefit of that is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is, uhm, different. This girl is coming out of surgery. Her parents-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's right. She's right. Your mom's definitely done that before, but maybe you're better at it. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No. No. No. No. No. Never? I don't think so. She didn't know what that was. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when we talked about blowjob, like she was like, what? Or like oral sex? Ah! Or the mangoes pilla?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go like, pee in your mouth? No, no, like, you're gonna put where he pees out of in your mouth, you know? Yeah, yeah. That's what she thought. And you explain that and you're like, yeah, of course. Yeah, and she's like, ah, disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should try to bring that up when they come out. Yeah, ass licking? Yeah, be like, if dad really washed though, like it's really clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I left a workout, and right next to it's this deli. They make great salads. So I brought the salad home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went up to see you. You were upstairs. You've been resting, obviously, because you got this wah-wah thing going on. Okay. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sat there and I just talked to you while I ate my salad. And when I was done I just put it in the restroom and then I went to shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, I noticed- You put it in there, you were talking about-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went to the bathroom to shower after the workout and I put the box there with the fork and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda forgot it there, and then I realized, wow, it's really like art, you know? Seeing this beautiful, empty, plastic salad box and this fork, kinda makes you think, who's been here before? What did they go through?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it was like a live art piece. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, uh, obliviousness, cause I honestly would leave there and not notice it at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you are, because in this completely imbalanced and unfair society,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women are held to a different standard, so you're messier because you're a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on. Now I will say you do have impeccable hygiene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll have to, I'll have to tag it on another announcement. Uhm, but this might be the week now. They moved my hot ones and I didn't know. So I think I've mentioned it on a previous episode now, but now it's coming out July 12th. This shit, this might even be out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After it comes out, because we're, we're trying to pre-record a bunch before the baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously. So this is either coming out...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right before July 12th or a full week after it, in which case you can tell just how far ahead of time we're recording things. Okay. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's important to point out though, before you get to your messy browns, that for a long time, for this pregnancy, it's the other way. You're always having, you're struggling to bring it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The worst part about night diarrhea that takes you into the next day is that it restricts your coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the worst. I hate that when you're like, I can't have coffee because my body will just really fucking shut down if I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so good. Yeah. It's so good. Yeah, it's really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it has, uh, Josh Brolin, Padilla del Toro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not at all. It is a total standalone. And then you kind of watch at the end, you're like, I want them to make a third one for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I believe that he's lived hard. You know? I believe that for sure. I love him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's uhm, I dunno, I feel like he's just gone hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it shows. It definitely shows. Yeah. Uhm, I'm trying to figure out the, uh, Benicio del Toro. What's this new one? Sicario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He definitely, uh, we watched the Karyo 1 the other day, and it definitely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, but he got, he got enormous. There's Jack now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's not working. There's a difference. He's retired basically. Yeaah, he's retired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brando. My god. He's definitely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But fuck, he looked like hell too. Well you were watching that movie the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Heart attack, yeaah. Yeaah, I know, it's really, it's fucking, uhm, it's pretty crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No, that's true. Really? Yeah, so here's your, uh, I pulled it up also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called the most successful obese Americans. Really nice list to be a part of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are some successful fat people, uhm, who are, sorry, who are some successful, for some, being obese has caused the public to question if they were fit for their individual professions. Athletes like John Daly and Babe Ruth, blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously pundits have trashed New York, New Jersey governor Chris Christie for his weight. Uhm, sadly for a few of these obese celebrities, their overindulgence contributed to their death. Well that's, yea, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't look like, like, uh, Orson Welles or Marlon Brando. Not yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was the CEO of Microsoft after uh, Bill Gates. Okay. Uhm, and then he owns the Clippers now. It's crazy to put him on the obese successful list. He's not obese at all. He's not. He's totally normal. Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, again, he's probably, he's overweight, but to be like, you did it despite how enormous you are is bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying the term you're using is not correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's super fat? Ralphie Mae was super fat. He was super fat. But I'm saying, you can't throw him in that category.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean yea, you're described, the way you're talking about it is someone like, dude that's super fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, how would you fucking describe him? Do you not think Ralphie is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's 30 pounds overweight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but that's still like, yeah, but it's not, it's not fucking, you cannot say that this is anything like Ralphie fat or Bert fat. No, no, of course not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Alright, I mean, that's back in the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I just don't think he's that bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's totally, that's totally it. If you're really good, they don't care. You gotta be exceptional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how they, they use actually a respectful photo. They use a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he was pretty fat. He was huge. Huge. So that I would say makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bert's always been fatter than John Goodman, and Kevin James was not as fat as John is his fattest. Good point, okay. And by the way,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's worth, uh, 9.3 billion dollars. Dang homie. Which decreased from 18.7 billion dollars. So much money. God. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's always been a thing for Charles, like the Charles Barkley is that he's been overweight, but again, he's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that for a cr- ridiculously talented pro athlete. He's not like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even as a player? Even as an active player. And he was, you know, it was thought of, like, the critique is that it was basically a little bit of a lack of discipline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then he definitely, he ballooned at one point, like he really ballooned after retiring, which is also kind of normal, because you're not as active.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's always had like a little bit of a weight thing, but I mean, I could see why people would call him fat, but again, successful obese. Successful and obese. It's such a ridiculous list. It's terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean technically maybe, but she's always, you know, weight's always been this thing with her too. Yeah. Up and down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was fat. He did the, he did, he got like that weird neck and head now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's staying fat. Chris Christie super fat. I think he had botched surgery. Is that right? I think so. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So did that one, uhm, there's a football coach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had botched, uh, bypass. You could die, you know, during that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like he's transitioning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I could definitely make it to this list if I, if I did a few more specials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, okay, this list is absurd at this point. But I'm with you that, in the movie business...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The standard you should set is if you're like, you're the lead of the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and even in comedy, you know, you look at starring in movies all the time. Kevin Hart is like in crazy good shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, but he's just like a movie star. Yeaah. He, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I was more successful, they would definitely be like, uh, there's this fat Netflix guy who despite his weight, yea, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I hope you all as well listened in to the podcast about the guy's friend using subtitles, preemptively laughing at the jokes. I do agree for the most part that it's a bad move to have those on if you don't have any hearing problems. I, however,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do agree with keeping subtitles on. I keep them on because I can't hear from one of my ear pussy, and the other ear pussy here is just fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just what he wrote. But it's also because sometimes it's easier to comprehend what the comedian is saying when you read the text in case you miss something. I don't always look at the text when watching stand up. It's also a case of ADD where I won't have patience to hear what the comedian will say. So I'll read the text on the screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait for the delivery and then I will laugh. It's kind of like what I was, my theory. Which was having anxiety about the moment of waiting. The surprise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It all comes down to a matter of preference. Anyway, that's my answer to the question about having subtitles on. Love you, keep the jeans high and tight. Hope the baby comes out amazed. Chris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that's something that was said. Ear pussy. Yeah, I feel like it was said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I don't know. I definitely feel like uhm, that was mentioned. Uhm, yeaah, so, subtitles, let's see, there's more subtitles here. Uhm, what this person says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, there's more here for this. Somebody wrote in for the YouTube subtitles. We didn't realize this. This will either help the subtitles or for Lunatic's argument or the home here now confusion. Here's an email. I didn't think about it until today, but I put subtitles on your recent YouTube podcast. I think we have the answer for our perverted, piss on me, beat me champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No shit. Doesn't translate perfectly, but you'll see, I guess there's subtitles provided on YouTube videos like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but it says home here, home yeah, question here now. I attached a screenshot. Uhm, anyway, love the show. I also enjoy shouting four stroke gang at mini golf. Steph. So look at this right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To further the point that what is being said is clearly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't think YMH mustached Casanova was saying I'm home here now. I thought he was saying ho a man out, as many listeners have sworn that he is saying, but I still wasn't totally convinced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Realizing that the problem with the audio is that it is too open to interpretation, I instead played the video and carefully watched his disgusting mouth, then multiple times at half speed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now for the second word you'll notice that his mouth forms a circle, which we already knew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then his lips immediately come out together again, just as they did before. Clear evidence. The second word is home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the third word, the important thing to take into account is his East Coast accent. There's no hard R. Instead, it's replaced with an A or Y sound. So here becomes hee-uh or hee-uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of his intoxication from being on whatever he's on, and also because of the sheer and immense excitement at all the homeless convict cock coming his way, his words slur together. So home here becomes home-ya with a soft Y sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, the last word is of no debate and is obviously by all accounts. Now, there you have it. This lyrical gangster, this poet, this man of intrigue and mystery is saying, I'm home here now. I'm home, you know, like that. Yours and Gene's, Graham, here is a video of it being played in slow-mo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know what some of these people are hearing, but he's definitely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try this out. Do whatever you want to me. I'm home. I gave you my address. 2395.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm. Yeah, this pre-sale went nuts here for the new one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great sketch, uh, Chris drew this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the different possibilities of what he's saying. Although I'm obviously on team home here now. There's ho me out, ho me on out, hold me down, ho a man out, home right now, hold me out, hold a man down, own me in and out, hollow me out. Everything that people think they're hearing is on that shirt. It's really great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to MerchMethod.com slash TomSegura or go to TomSegura.com and just click on the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't look good. Uhm, somebody wants to know some advice on, uh, knife sharpening. Ruff. Ruff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As someone who is not, uh, circumstances, I have quite a sensitive helmet. So I've been trying to desensitize my glands penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Despite my commitment, however, the results have yet to materialize. I've been rubbing and rubbing and rubbing. 50 times left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, forward, back and down, every day, sharpening the knife. But the results are very slow. If anything, it's way worse than before. I'm still reaching totality in only four strokes. Although my brother suggested I try to lay off the meth, since I have no neuropathy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm starting to consider alternatives at this stage, such as sandpaper, wishful thinking, changing my pronoun, controlled chemical burns, or becoming a hermit. Not which route to take, hoping you can offer insight. Anyway,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just felt I needed to share. Maybe this information can help other dog cunts with similar issues. Keep up the good work and fuck me in my ass, man. Kevin. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a real nice message, Kevin. That was a wonderful letter. Yeaah. That's a really good way of putting things. No one rap at the issues. Yeaah. So, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems like he's already, he's doing what the great doctor advised. Right. Which is you, you have to work, you know, you have to rub, rub, rub all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't understand that. I mean, in my experience, obviously, you're usually more...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, trigger happy if you haven't had those soft touches in a while. You know, it makes sense because you're not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but then the more you do it, the more-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. But maybe it's also, you need a lady friend or a guy friend, I don't know what you're into, and uhm, someone to work with on it, you know? I think alone it's different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you can be in control of yourself alone, then you're with somebody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so, and then make it not such a shock, you know, not such a, uh, surprise to your system. Like, oh my god, there's somebody else touching it right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's so sad. I know, I was like, no, cause I've had, I definitely had like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' eight seconds, you know, where you're like, here we go, uuuh. But I never had someone touch my leg and it happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing though, I remember talking, you know who I talked to about this one? I talked to Rocco about it, that time when he came to the show. What did he say? He said, uh, he's like, you just need to work a lot. You need to work a lot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, how do you control your, uh, you know, your, your shot? And he's like, oh, he's nothing. And I go, yeah, but how, how does somebody start? He goes, you work 30 days, you have complete control. So he was saying like, well, I thought it made sense too, because if you're talking about, you know, let's say I don't have sex for two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, I've been traveling, I come home. Yeah, that's not going to be a long one. But then if you have sex four times that week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the fourth time, you know, you're not that sensitive. It makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this guy's like, he's doing his training and he said it's still not working. I don't know how to advise him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, by master circumstances, uhm, you know, lesson is that you're supposed to 50-50-50-50-50 without, without bugacking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want to, what you need to do is rub, and then if you feel it happening before you want to, you pull back. I don't know. Listen, this is not my thing. No, you pull back. You don't go like, oh it's stroke number 15 and you feel it go. You pull, you stop. Right, right. So that you learn to have like more control over it. It's gotta be rough though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, show them what's on your fucking phone. Go to hell in a minute. You think this is funny or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does sound kind of similar, right? Uhm, so he went, this is the one right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah man, I've been waiting to try to get this message back from this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, we talked a little bit a week or so ago, a couple weeks ago about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Certain guy, we found his video and then he saw that we played his video. Now he has something to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you out of your mind? First of all, this is a respectful thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had some conversation going on Instagram, and I said, you know, I don't think I could handle these, you gotta find an appropriate opponent, you know? I don't really think I'm the guy to, uh, to fight him, you know? I just don't think that would be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, he's on Instagram and he posted, I immediately thought when he was challenging me to a fight, I don't think it's an appropriate fight, what about him and Crazy Lokes though? And so I suggested that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, I gotta check him out. He's like, I'm gonna check him out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he put this on Instagram, he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got hands faster than Mike Tyson. Share this to let crazy looks know I'm not fucking around. I also want to join your podcast on a call so I can say a little something to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, damn long net versus crazy locs. Damn. So he's really, he's ready for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, yeaah. So his name is Davey Gravey, is what it says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really hope we can get crazy locs and long neck to get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Crazy Lokes, if you're out there, you know, it would be great to have you send a message to Long Neck about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fighting. I mean, here's the thing. I don't know if long neck knows that crazy locs is in the gym all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he's training a lot. I see him, I mean, sparring, hitting the bag, I mean, so, I saw Long Neck's handspeed, that's no joke, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But as far as fight experience, I don't know, I mean, Crazy Logs is always at the gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uh, I'm a big, big fan of both guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said put some respect on my neck. He did. Yeaah. Which is really cool. Really funny. Ah man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said, he called our podcast a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really good, so, very excited at the potential.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I can't imagine that he's not doing all those things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing his thing. Okay? Not crazy looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The file says Christina's dad is the new hot sensation. He's touring all over the world now. That's not my dad. That's your dad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I was forever, I was one, I'm, you know, like an old person, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm resistant to certain changes and everybody jumping on the thing and I did not get that app for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, then they're like, congratulations, you hit this status. I don't know what that means.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what's your status? I don't know, it just said like gold and then something else came in and I just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I don't know. I'm assuming, no, here's the thing that they know me so well at the one that I like to go to. No, for the mobile order, they're now doing my splash, even though I don't request it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're doing it even though it's not on the order. They're seeing Tom's order and being like, oh, he likes to splash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What an exceptional Starbucks location. I know, they're the best. You can't even be one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Queef or fart to my main mommies and the deans of jeans. My wife, Christina, and I have been debating this topic for five years now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that you two have the insight, knowledge, and mental fortitude to resolve this issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When having anal sex, air gets pushed into the brown barrel and is expelled. The question is, is this escaping air a fart or a queef?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My wife backs Brown, claiming this escaping area is in fact a fart, based solely on the fact that it is leaving the butthole. It is my belief that a fart is born from within and a queef is made. And if you trace a queef back far enough,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To its point of origin, you will find that the air came from the outside. A fundamentally different story than that of the fart. We come to you with humble hearts, assured that only you two can create the intellectual discourse needed to resolve this issue, and we will fully respect your final decision. Uh, save our marriage, respectfully.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the fact that this married couple is having sex in there, how you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is wild. Uhm, it's like a regular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me, I'm telling you, even as I was beginning to read this, I was immediately tame queef because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, it's a queef. He's right. The thrust is creating an air pocket. Air is being pushed into her butthole and then is coming out as a queef. It's air that wasn't generated from within. It's from the movement. It's a queef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do think it's an anal queef. Yeaah. I think the queef is not necessarily by definition a pussy fart. A queef is about the idea that it's thrust generated air that escapes. That thrust and that air


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can come from two sort- multiple sources, the thrust can be from anything, the escape of air can be from any, uh, hole, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says, the sound is somewhat comparable to flatulence, to flatulence from the anus but does not involve waste gases and thus often does not have a specific odor associated. Slang terms.