[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was an impressive sequence. I didn't see it. I did see it. And like people were afraid to drive behind.


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[Assistant] Can you log it? Okay. Uhm, yeah, we got it. So, you didn't. No. Uhm, nobody did. This is from Options90 regarding the SimonPlaysVR one. This echoes so many of the comments throughout that video. So many. Legit, one of your best videos, so good. And this is because of Simon. It was fun! Oh yeah, I know, it was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like if I left in the amount of times you had to like take


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your head set off to just see where the fuck you were. Yeah. No, cause you get wrapped around in the fucking cord. Oh sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On that note, thankfully it's not that like, I hate the whole, uhm, the teleport movement system within VR. I fucking hate it, like I'm gonna bounce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which you can in this game, but it's still not easy. But Simon, you did really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Isarian42, this is on the same video. This was really one of the best Friday nights yet. Because they're all really good. Part of me honestly wishes I could see Simon on a real ghost hunting mission. I kind of feel like he'd handle it the same way. Apprehensive at first, then not giving a shit, then full on ready to whoop some spectral ass with a plastic flashlight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long do they take when recording? It would be nice to see more of these, maybe one a month? I love the scares you guys get, and pure and utter rage, and stressing your voices when you play as priceless. Just a suggestion, regardless, still a huge fan of all your content. Ah, Apster already answered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just started Friday nights, it was like, I was kinda going back to the classics. The ones that people really, so uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So, anyway, uhm, I-I've gone way too long and I still have another video to do. But these, real quick, Frank Zhang, same video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Conversation. Me just fucking rambling on. Yeaah. And then Simon was doing a beatbox. Yeaah. We missed it. It was good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the word? All right, recreating. Yeah, right. Our reactions. Hey Brightside, it could have been out for longer. The power that is. True. Hoop, hoop, hoop. Ready? Yep. So still on the, uh, Friday night. Frank Zang says, holy shit, Simon's beard is sexy as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I think then I said, thanks. This will catch you off guard. Benjamin Quinn says right below that comment, epic beard. See, I knew that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is really quite an asshole most of the time and it's incredibly irritating how he just constantly complains about everything. It's one thing to watch him suck at gaming, but when all he does is complain, it's pretty fucking annoying. I really don't know what made you decide to put him in all your videos, but I honestly think you need to dial it down a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really just gets frustrating when you're trying to enjoy a video and all you hear is fucking bitching and complaining. Great videos, but Simon really needs to shut the fuck up occasionally. Whatever, I thought the builds were great and as usual, everyone was great except for douchebag Simon. It never gets old does it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did it? Okay. Yeah. I'm not going to read the one under that, which was just echoing the same thing. Same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He disappears when the power goes out. So, uh, he'll be back soon. And the last two comments are based on the Haunted Mansion thing. Boondock!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh five. There are two L's in cancelled. Anthony, get it together. And... And then Anthony's response to that was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then ChappySlapHappy says the scariest part was where cancel is spelled wrong. That was the end of the video. Yeah. And check your fucking spelling. You know, it's like when someone makes a meme and it's misspelled. God, that bothers me. You made- What's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. If she makes decisions like that, she was gonna get killed soon anyway. I'm starting to see why that guy made that comment about you, Simon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seven days? Dude, the amount of shit I got those first seven days is stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't feel safe there yet. There's a right place to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And those are not the right places yet, in my opinion. So I'm gonna be safe. Okay. And uh, probably stay there another round.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm down for that and in a nice area. I think that makes a lot of sense. And you can have those little, uh, you can make those windows that you can shoot like arrows out of. Yes. All that thing. We make a little castle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I promise I'll help. Mooch. I'm looking forward to playing that again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They designed it so well that to go back and get the moons you couldn't get and that whole fricking thing, uhm, I just got to the city world last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had your, your little controllers and the, how'd you set up the mic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you can go to USB with the third party one. Beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to hell! I heard that monopoly on Switch takes about almost 10 minutes to load. Why? I don't know. Might be a rumor. Great rumor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does anyone look at those? Does anyone actually factor those in when they buy a game for their child?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, graphically, it's, uhm, it's impressive how it can have, like, the true, uh, 4K and all the whatevers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we're never gonna get new systems, they're just gonna keep... Is that the new trend?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's been two renditions of the Xbox already. This is the second, this is the third Xbox One.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you need a 4K HD Ultra player or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is the best, and they market it as like the filler. It fills gaps. You can add it to any meal, it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Linen's tough. Linen'll shrink right up on ya. No, I-I ripped a hole in my linen, so. Nooo. Yeah. I just wear them around the house. Rest in peace. Mmm, cute. Sorry, the conversation went to shit. Yeah, thank you, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're behind, like a high pass works for good, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make sure you cancel it, or they'll probably start charging you. Hey Siri, go to audible.com. Calling Sarah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, while he's here, I got a comment that kind of references something that he should, he was going to probably come in and say something. Alaska John says, you forgot to add your boa island and a few seven days episodes to their respective playlists. It will throw off new people to the channel that try to catch up, uh, like, so they see it. So that that's double check it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, end date, we all know end date. Yeah. Says, uh, I like the character idea, however, I, I've known each of your voices for years. And the reason why I bring this up is I, I've changed my mind. Nibs wanted to make a character video about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which characters are who and we argued about it and I was like, I don't think that's a stupid idea. I changed my mind. I flipped it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know he did. But then right after that I read Junior Hunter says, Simon, quietly narrating while thick and door argue about rotini lol. This is unparalleled youtube video game channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you go like, well, why would you, why would you change that while it was annoying? It was also more of a character than really anybody. Yeah, well, that's what it was supposed to be like, oh, talk like this. I was like, oh, this is how I talked in that episode. We just had to figure it all out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not as thick. See, thick has an issue with that. Shut up. No, he wasn't slow. And then T Ward commented and says he's only slow because of pasta he keeps in his pockets and belly. His belly pocket. Which I do, pasta's good, I do enjoy a good pasta. Pasta's great. That's what he grabbed for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you gotta set up that video. You gotta make that video, Nibs. Character one. You gotta get it all set up and ready. I'll throw some poetry on top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta throw a link to that, to that video. Nom nom cat!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Hey, listen, before we get any further, we should probably talk to our sponsor. Who dat? Casper. Oh, Casper. Listen, Casper is a sleep brand that continues to revolutionize its line of products to create an exceptionally comfortable sleep experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's delivered right to your door in a small, how did they do that size box with free shipping and returns in the US and Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the best part is that you can be sure of your purchase with Casper's 100 night risk free sleep on it trial. After all, you spend one third of your life sleeping, so you should be comfortable. And this is the part where we talk to Doraleous about how he feels about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] $50 toward select mattresses by visiting Casper.com slash Neebs and using Neebs at checkout. That's Casper.com slash Neebs. Offer Neebs for $50 off your mattress purchase. Terms and conditions apply. Thank you Casper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was thinking, great observation. I believe he said something about a worm. Yes, and then you brought it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so that was the, let's figure, let's randomly think of something to talk about and make it up as you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, could you, could you get imaginative with it and replace words?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. I love that. That's such a, like a perfect way to say screw you to somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm done with my video and there's a cursor to write smack dab in the middle of one of the shots that just like it's right there. And I'm like, I can't recreate that shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a good, we honestly need to, it's official, it's, we own it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the distractor and the spoiler are together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Animated thing. Act it out. Do whatever the hell you want to do. No. I know, but it would be fun. Wouldn't it be fun? Why wouldn't that? It's like getting submissions of like seeing what people would do. I want if 20 people did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes! I mean, that's the thing. I think that, well that's the thing. I'm just saying cause you said animated. I think, yea animated. Really, honestly I just thought it'd be fun. And if people did have submissions, I'd just look at them every once in a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't see a lot of Franks. You don't. I like Franks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that's all my comments. Nice. Huzzah. Uh, I actually know what I want to buy in GTA, my next big thing. What you got? I want to get a yacht if I can drive it. No. You can't. You can the bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like your Karuma, that was a good buy. No, that's a good, that's a good buy. I'm happy to have it, but I got one. I'm not gonna get the limo with the, you're gonna get the, eventually, and you should get that ASAP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yeah, yeah, I do remember seeing like, hey, look at that black guy. Yeah, yeah. Looks like a really cool movie though, the trailer. Yeah, it was pretty neat. Yeah, I enjoyed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Commenting on comments and podcast and sponsored. That's right. Dollar Shave Club. Yeah, baby. So just want to say to them, thank you. You'll hear about them later on, but we're going to talk about stuff now. Go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm gonna try them. Okay. Alright, good. So, uh, we're doing something different with the commenting on comments this time. Everyone has five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who does that? Crazy people do that. Go do something else. If you're looking at me while I'm sleeping, you have problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good comment. I should have you do the comments. Everyone's gonna have better ones than I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but I would guess 822. You're guessing 822?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna leave all this stuff in cause I don't give- I'm not even editing these things anymore. Right. It's obvious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're done with the podcast. We're shutting down the channel. Alright, so I read a comment from Rage Cop, which by the way,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and especially the last one, but all of them. Once you watch the last one, you'll like it. But anyway, Alec Winkleman said, I was going to masturbate, but then I got a notification for a new rage cop. I came right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Kink and Wang 32. It was on GTA, but it wasn't on Rage Cop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think it was on the one that you did. What was the one that you were called? Uhm, The Great Chase? The Great Chase. And... The last GTA ever? Kickenwang32 says, holy ravioli, rapid GTA vids. And the reason why I liked, first of all,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but also he said rapid GTA vids, like, question mark, exclamation mark, and I think that's worthy of bringing up, cause right now we're in the process of starting a new game, Seven Days to Die, and we're looking at doing a lot more of this cinematic stuff, and more of the stories and stuff, and GTA is just too good. The tools, they're available.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, you can't not do it. And we have fun with it. So it's like people can say, oh, I don't really like it. It's more of a story, guys. If you're not into the GTA stuff, cause you think it's bullshit, like, oh, whatever. No, we're trying to do something different. Yeah, give them a whirl again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll take it, I'm a large, and I like black shirts. I'll take, make sure it's black. Send him a Chef Boyardee shirt. I would wear that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Harappvideogame says, how you getting, uh, Thouse movie shots? Those? Yep. Thouse? Yes, well that's what he's T-H-O-U, but yeah. Just read it like it's supposed to be. Shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know, like for real, it's looking good, meaning how you get in those shots and just- For people, I know, but the thing is, you can explain in a little bit more detail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, us just saying we go on editor and the tools doesn't explain it thick.


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[Assistant] Yeah, some people watch Seinfeld, some people watch Game of Thrones, but if this series doesn't win all the Emmys, I will kill all of Hollywood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this was on GTA, and the reason why I picked these things is because it's a thank you to Master Pussy Eater, number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll probably do the same. And this is a little bit of what you're watching in there, just cause I'm, I'm, so Duralye's and I are both current. You wondered if you would like it, Neebs, cause you like Vikings. Let me tell you, it's, it's good. It's something, if you're going to get into something, I never thought I'd give a shit about dragons. This is ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Shifu says, honestly, I wish I had money to donate to you guys on Patreon. I disabled my ad blocker on all YouTube just so you guys can get the ad revenue. And Shifu, I just want to say thanks. Thank you buddy. That really does help. We appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Phenomenal. And everyone who's just here, just, just watching, you're awesome. So, bam, done. Who's next? Good job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just kidding. I get why people like it, I'm just not into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell us about Dollar Shave Club. Dollar Shave Club is the smarter choice. You get a great shave at a great price, conveniently delivered right to your door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an awesome life hack and a no-brainer and you no longer have to go to the store to pick up cheap disposable razors that give you a cheap shave. Or spend a fortune on razors with gimmicky shaving tech that you don't need. You've seen those razors before, right? Yea. They look like they're trying to be space ships.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The blade just gently glides, giving such a smooth shave. Does it not, Neebs? So smooth, you feel snooty. Dr. Carver's shave butter is also transparent, so you can see what you're shaving, and it helps prevent ingrown hairs. Do you get ingrown hairs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A full cassette of four cartridges and a tube of their shave butter. And for the first month, replacement cartridges ship automatically at their regular price. There are no hidden fees, no commitments, and you can cancel anytime. You can only get this offer exclusively at dollarshaveclub.com slash Neebs. That's Dollar Shave Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then I got out as soon as the balls didn't work. And I was like, I'm out. I'm out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I can't believe you didn't, that was the first thing that you tested. Well, I did a little bit. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or another game that has that same deal but works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you a question? Replace robust with another word or a few words. Cause when you use robust, it always makes me go, what does he mean? Like I understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would say the number one priority would be to stay away from alcohol, and I bet you a lot of those other things are gonna... Right, and if weed gets you in a weird place, like you were saying, if it does,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love all of you. I am too. Well, you just, you just did that burp. Uh, and- That was a weak one. Yeah. I ruined it for you. Dereli seemed to think that you got that from Rick and Morty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for the comments. Thank you. Dollar shave club and, and have a, have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my backyard. I watched a Casey Neistat video where he flew to South Carolina, he went to Columbia, and it was totality there. Total dark. Right. I saw that Ozzy Osbourne performance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so it wasn't completely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll go first. Okay. Mine are from the Ark T-Rex vs. Death Worm video. And these are all about you going to Germany. They are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was not on a stone. It was on a cheese wheel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so the first comment that I have is from Bayjay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They listened to my suggestion in the previous video about having more T-Rexes. Thanks, Neebs and the guys! I promise my suggestion will bring you good luck and better loot!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's very, very happy that we reciprocated on his much excite advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, next one is from Isaac Toe. Isaac Toe. Isaac Toe? Yea, it says, thick, like real big. There's a problem with Zappy. It is imprinted to Neibs, so if Neibs rides it, it gets a boost. Yea. That pretty much means it's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, next comment is from Angry Puppy, who has all the confidence in the world, and it says, you guys are so dead when you face the boss, none of you have a clue what you are doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your plan now for animation? Is there anything you guys are working on now that you have finished the latest episode of Duralies and Associates? Would love to know your upcoming plans if there are any. Love you guys. So let's talk about animation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and we all love animation. I mean, Epsero, you're an animator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, I started in voiceover for anime, so my favorite thing to do is voiceover. I could just let myself go. I could look like just a blob if I wanted to, but I think we all really enjoy the animation process when it comes to creating it, seeing the finished product, and listening to the community react to it. It's a good payoff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did a hell of a job suit casing those Cornish hands. But a little over the top on Stranger Things. Still haven't watched that. Me neither. That was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I pick years, I pick years to be mean to people. Last year was Duralis' year. This year, it's Nib's year. And then, then Apsro, the year after is next. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Anthony's like a all year, like every year. Of course. He takes up a century to be mean to. But once that century's over, then we'll be nice to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well in the Ben and Ed video, someone said, uh, why does Thix have so much bass in his voice? And someone had to say, that's Turalius.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think our channel is built on disagreements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's fun to watch in other things. I'm sure. Well there you have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which one of you said that you really enjoyed Kong? I did. I thought it was a very fun movie. I didn't hate it. The visual effects were fantastic. Amazing. Yeaah. But it was, it was so much cheese and I couldn't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You went from like, uh, Boise, Idaho to Detroit. To Boise, Detroit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so it wasn't from one of our videos? No. What? Was the assignment to get comments from our videos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Siri, who invented the scissors? Oh this is gonna be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Siri, who invented the spaghetti scissors? What's his name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Da Vinci. Better not take me to Bing. Ah, it didn't even take me to the right side! Fuck you!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if we start a percussion group and we're beating on trash cans and buckets. You need to see more live music, Absurd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're saying music. He's talking about one guy beating a bongo in the office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, not even in, uh, Venice. Venice, Italy, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we got, we got struck, we added structures plus so we can build more creative things. And we're going to remove the flying mod cause screw that. They'll see why and they'll understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes we will. Probably should bring them up around a different comment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've seen the parking problem, right? You have two cars out there. I parked by the dumpster the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this the one where you have a book, and it's like, okay, I'm going through the book, alright, the number should be two, five, and they're doing this, like turn the dial to the right, and then to the left. Yeah, no, that's the one it is, yes. Oh, is it? Damn it, that sounds not fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What we gotta do is set up and then do like two days of VR. No, just two days? No yea, just one day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To me, it makes me think it's like another scorched earth thing, like we're gonna just focus on one thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want all of it. Except it's pretty to look at. I want Ragnarok with the climbing hooks and the wing suit. Yea, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you see those t-shirts with that giant logo on it. It's still one of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here is a comment from the, uh, seven layer bean dip GTA video. Uh huh. It is from Marques Braveheart. Who says? Simon hitting the side of the bridge had me dying from laughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're getting really good at jumping out of cars. You seem to be better at it now than you used to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the AI did do a better job than Drali stayed on the bridge. What's that? You fell before the AI guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god. So also, from the Seven Layer Bean Dip GTA video, uh, who to cast in the Niebs movie? Absro, James Hetfield, Niebs, Matthew McConaughey, Duralius, David Hasselhoff, Simon Robert De Niro, and Thick, 44, Howie Mandel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nibs, what's your next comment? Let's see, uh, this is also GTA's, uhm, from Cameron Heron. LOL, who saw the mouse cursor at 2.38? Bet OCD Nibs is pooping on the editor right now. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't feel like I was needed, really. Well, cause you weren't making yourself needed. Well, what would I do? Delegate authority. Have you ever been captain on that ship? No. So you have no idea how that works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And last, uh, commenting and comments before the holidays. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if we want to make a lot of episodes, we're gonna ask you for money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is yours, making a contest. Who's better? Who could give me the biggest erection?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think like the dog show, like that stuff's crazy sometimes. So is this something they're doing at dog shows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's better than maggots. I vote for parrots as well. I enjoyed parrots, but maggots is interesting. Yeah, maggots is pretty interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I miss pictures. 8 inches. He's very proud of it. I don't wanna see that. 8 inches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I were to have to pick, like, what would you rather see video of? I'm probably gonna go with a guy with a table and a chick in his mouth. Huh. Oh, is that a video thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like being shocked. I'm sure you guys have seen like the, uh, the fake, the lighters that shock the shit out of you. Those things are the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you guys ever bought any of those like gags like that and used them on friends and have they work? The ink! The ink!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's outside on the phone. Got a phone call. Who's he talking to? Some guy named Barry. We don't know that. Barry? I thought, no, when he went out he said like, hey Barry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is going to surprise him. This is- Yeah, maybe Barry is, uh, he's got his own YouTube channel and he's branching off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always, never one of those guys is just like, oh, that car's gotta look fancy. You know, you see these guys that dress their car all up. I'm like, what are you doing? Look at all the money you're fucking pissing down the drain on this piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to bing that. I would imagine. Neves is getting out his phone right now. He is going to look at this. 7 billion people on the planet? Had to be too sure. Had to have happened. You're going to find some unsavory websites come up for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you lucky or not lucky? I dunno, that's a lot of sperm. Interesting. It is interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some asshole sitting out at a field for years just watching birds like, huh, that's it. Yeah, I think I got this nailed down finally. Drives away in a Bentley. Fuck all of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, good. Is that why you get big vehicles thick? I don't get big vehicles. I got a medium size, like my Jeep Cherokee's not big, it's not. Well like your bumper sticker that says I'm a man is a little over the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flamin' Amies does that, the restaurant. Yeaah. Don't they give out free bumper stickers? They do. My daughter's got one on the back of her, uh, ukulele. There you go. Your daughter plays the ukulele? Yea. Huh. My roommate plays the ukulele. My- Your roommate's my daughter!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's everything. Whenever I hear his voice it turns my spine to glass and then it's like hit with a hammer


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Neils and Dan were the host of the party. They did great. Their suits were fantastic. They both had Pac-Man suits on. I posted a picture of us on my Instagram page and we got some pretty fun comments about Simon. Oh great, let's talk about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I carried everything I took with me in one backpack. And a lot of people made, uh, comments about my Converse. I wore Chuck Taylors. I just wanted a little bit of rock and roll in there. Spice it, flare that shit up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the thing is, I already had the jacket, I was gonna wear jeans, I didn't care, but when I put my jacket on, from where I lost all the weight, it's just too baggy. So I was like, I don't have a good suit, fuck it, I'm gonna buy a suit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good, it's with love. Yeah, it is all love. I mean, they could be, you know, god, they could have been jerks about it, but I mean, the fact that they're all cool and they're like, yeah, that's, you know, you have to be able to make fun of yourself. You have to. Uh, we do have to give them a congratulations, because while we were there, they won the award for best office in Sweden. And it's a killer, freaking, I see why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. Cause he's got a big room. One day we can have an office and we can put a super sprint machine in it. There we go, huh? Goals to shoot goals. Super sprint machine and one of those coke freestyle machines. Oh, perfect. You can mix every flavor. I'll do that because I can get seltzer water and put a little cherry flavor in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Sweden, good food, good people, good times. Wet eggs. Shitty weather. Very wet eggs. At the hotel? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the eggs we had in London were fantastic. I think the British folks, they do


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were at the Hard Rock and there was a magician there and she was like, I don't want that motherfucker coming near me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Quit trying to sell me tampons! That's true. That's why I ask. Sounds like you need one, you little bitch. Ooh. I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to positive things, sorry I brought it down. Do you know what I enjoy? What? Even though I don't really care for Facebook, I enjoy those top down recipes, those real quick ones that people do. I would much rather see those than political bullshit or any negativity. If you're posting those on Facebook, keep it up. They're inspiring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, my youngest daughter, she says something whenever she burps at the dinner table. She's like, oh, that means the tank's full.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, it sounds better. Let me ask you guys this. What is a food that you hated as a kid that you like now? So much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like what's like one big one that you hated and now you love it? Well, pork and beans used to make me gag, but now I eat them and I love them. Okay. Fish. Didn't like fish at all. I'll say this, I hated broccoli as a kid, but now I really, really like broccoli. I mean, it's gotta be cooked right. It's gotta be a little al dente. Yeah, just a touch, a touch, a little snap in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, when I go to like, Ruby Tuesdays or what's that other place? The burger place? Red Robin. Red Robin. They've got some good broccoli.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we should utilize that. Yeaah. We need to send our Kalburps to Alaska. That's Sweden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We figured it out. Simon's a chicken. Chickens can't burp. It's me. I was a chicken in another life. Now Simon, you mentioned that you want to get off the grid. Yep. We saw a movie on the plane. I think all of us watched it. Yeah. Captain Fantastic. Captain Fantastic. Yeah. So good. Really good film. And, yeah, about a guy who had his kids and they were all living off the grid. Excellent movie. So good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just kinda what blew my mind. It's like such a good movie. Flew under everyone's radar, I guess. Another fun movie that was short and just worth a watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because audiences will accept that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I'm a little weird because it's a prequel, and all the other prequels were so good. But there's no Jar Jar that we know of. Yeah, I was about to say, you don't know that. Little baby Jar Jar. Mmhm. It might just pop up. It would be, yeah, like his, his kid, like. Oh, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm wondering if they're going to tie the heroine to that. I forget, Jin is her name maybe? If they're going to tie her to... Aniston? Jin Aniston, yea. If they're going to tie her to Rey from... Romi? The Force Awakens. Rey Romano? Oh, Rey Romano. Rey Romano and the Force Awakens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll do a review. I'll do one of those crazy-eyed reviews like I did on The Force Awakens where I got all nuts. Yea, you did not like that one. I do and I don't just because it's just recycled. How many times have you seen it? Probably about four times now. Really? You really hate it, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mr. Ali is here, and before we get started, I'd like to announce that Neebscast is working with an advertising network so we can hook up with sponsors for our show. It's a hookup! Yes it is, and we're running an audience survey to help us connect with the sponsor that you might actually want to hear about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a good, uh, a good awkward, just to interrupt rudely, uh, I had a good awkward, um, goodbye like handshake thing. I met at a wedding this weekend and, um, he happened to be from like the same five square mile area I grew up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was like, you could always take, uh, like if someone went for a handshake, you could, you could scissors that handshake. Yeaah. Scissors over paper, just say that and walk away. I still win. Scissors over paper. Anyway, carry on Simon, you're doing great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's why you should get a negative point. One, you were wrong. Two, you didn't even, like, talk to your teammate. Like, to verify.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did. Simon, I think you need to buy buzzers so a light comes up on the, you know, when it comes down to that fraction of a second. How many questions?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I? What? Is that actual Mario Brothers game? Or Super Mario Brothers was the key word? Super Mario Brothers. Super, so yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would, would do a guess. Oh yeaah. Can we do a guess? Can I? Oh no, you got one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This kid might be, uh, playing sports as well. We don't know the whole, all the details, but he obviously stuck out playing a first person shooter. And at that age, being that good, that's fucking crazy. It's impressive. It is impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you would think other developers would, would look at that model on taking your sweet fucking time, putting on a game that works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does anyone have anything they want to talk about? Just, uh, well, I did see a pretty fascinating documentary, but the most fascinating thing I've heard in the last week was about the Swift. A bird? Really? A bird called the Swift? It migrates from like, uh, shit, somewhere up by the UK down to Africa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every year. Okay. It's, uh, six inches long, and the wingspan's about thirteen inches. It's shaped like a missile, very, very efficient flyer. Ten month migration doesn't land for ten months. What? Doesn't land? Flies for ten months straight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Swifts do, but they're too small to like do the tests on to verify that right now. Oh right, they need a really small wire. But still, yeaah, 10 months flying straight. That seems crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. But, uh, I might as well just jump in. The other fascinating thing, uh, uh, the lady and I watched a documentary about, it was a Kim Jong-il, um, kidnapped a director and a famous actress from South Korea. Do you hear about that? I have. Yeah. And, uh, I held him captive for like five years and had him making films for him. Made a movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, improve North Korea's film game. So, held them captive, um, treated them well, gave them everything they needed to make-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, like, they made the very first love story that was ever allowed in a film. Usually all the things are about you want to work hard for the country and stuff like that. That was usually the themes. There was music and stuff like in all the previous movies and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit, it was like Belgium or something like that. Cause they've been shooting stuff for them for quite a while and they wanted, Kim Jong Un or Ill wanted them to be known for shooting on location in different places in the, in the world and kind of like make a spectacle out of it. And the first chance that they saw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eventually came to the states. And now they do propaganda for us! They moved to L.A. and he, uh, he directed Three Ninjas. Really? Are you shitting me? Not shitting you at all. Three Ninjas? Yeah, that was a pretty


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that your goal? I mean, yeah, obviously with a bigger space, you guys want to expand to be able to put out content quicker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, typically how long does it take you guys to make one production?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'll be episode 50, right? Yep. We have a solid outline, and yeah, as soon as he gets back, we're gonna start recording.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're on my friends list on PS4. I always see you playing Rocket League.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's what they're trying to do. They're trying to like, yea, take all those characters and have them in the same world, but they don't seem to be taking their time like Marvel took its time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you know you're gonna do a movie, like one of the Marvel movies, like Doctor Strange or whatever, how many times do you go to the theater to see it? Is it just once or do you go multiple?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Adobe, Adobe anime, a lot of, a lot of guys still use Flash. And then now, now you have like Toon Boom Harmony. There's several, there's several good programs. I, I hear good things about Toon Boom Harmony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys still pay a lot of attention to your website? Is that still up and running?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is great because like, uh, you know, a lot of the frame by frame animators and a lot, a lot of other animators kind of had to bail on YouTube. Just because of the, like, how has that affected you? Because you guys are pretty constant. You're, you're still uploading once every month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys seemingly make up for it with views, because everything you seem to put out just, especially the Marvel stuff, views just seem to skyrocket very quickly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I just gave everybody the white cards, so those are the answers to the questions. Now I'm gonna put down a black card, so that's going to be the question. And the question is, what don't you want to find in your Kung Pao Chicken?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go. Alright, today on Maury, Murray, Maury? Maury. Maury, okay. Today, today on Maury. Help, my son is blank. Alright, now this one I like to read like, you gotta read it like you're a TV announcer. Okay. Today on Maury. Maury, Maury? Yeaah, Maury.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can quit. Yes. Alright, we played cards against humanity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds better. It's gonna be the best fucking podcast ever. Or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do we go? Gamescom. What? Yeaah. We didn't even know how to say Gamescom a month ago. I said Con. We all said Con. Yeaah. You know Gamescon? It's over there in Europe somewhere. And other people are like, no I'm not familiar with that. Now we've been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my flight, I don't want to get into it too much, but 24 hours of flying. It's a mess. I was exhausted. It's a mess. But then I was there and I was happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's funny to me that you did that. Why? Because everybody there at an airport speaks English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just making good. What did you just say? I like pizza and orange juice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, Tommy, Bongi, and the eggs, the eggs is their community. There was like, I don't know, a dozen of them there. Yea? All of them great. Great. And then, uh, the bar was great. I, I got a, a huge beer. It was like a fishbowl, this beer. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're walking, and a German fella and two German ladies are approaching us. And what do they say? I don't remember. The guy goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I got play in a soccer car. Rocket League in like a big twist around. VR headset and a twisty chair. Oh, that must have been so fun. No, he didn't have a VR headset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had a cosplay repair center. I was so impressed with that. They had like sewing machines, glue and guns, tape, paint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best energy in the world, yeaah. I'd like to see a cosplay movie. Kinda like, about that world, but in a comedic way. Yeaah. Kinda like, drop dead gorgeous. Oh sure, the competition of it all maybe? Yeaah. Potentially. I think that'd be a fun movie. Yeaah, that'd be really fun. We should write that script. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's stone, there's stained glass, everyone's real quiet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some murmuring going on. Murmuring though. That's it. I don't like murmuring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I have to say, like, my six year old daughter can draw better than Monet. His stuff is shit. Monet must have knew somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the things I found fascinating, well two things. The conveyor belt that made all the chocolates line up in a little line. And then, how they make hollow chocolate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You won the situation. That's right I did. Any other person would have taken their dog to work, saw how it went down and said, okay, I can't bring my dog to work anymore. This guy said, nope, this is just that way it's gonna be. Yep. Italians are too cocky. You don't like my dog, you're leaving the restaurant. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' hilarious, that dog. This is another one of those trips where it's like every single night is drinking up until about 2, 3, 4 in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found this interesting. Simon's room, for some reason, they decided on day two that you needed a cot in your room?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody's gotta remix this. Hey, I didn't think-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you would do the lower meows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Satva. Go to satva.com slash the shit and get $200 off your next order. Welcome. Good morning. Buongiorno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You thought that would affect me if you complimented me on that? Something I've been doing for two years, one compliment would throw me for a loop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and then you're like, but I didn't because I thought that'd be gay. What? Hey, by the way, it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, don't bring that up. Jesus Christ. Why would you even, you're ruining the mood. Oh, I'm sorry. Everything was fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mashing shit into ourselves all the time. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very sad. It's very sad. I don't know whether I should tell you guys what you're gonna do. So, our Toto Washlet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the washlet, the bidet, if you will, that sprays water into our ass, the toilet talks to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The point is it's not working. The GoFundMe is set up, uhm, for you guys to, uh, hopefully do the right thing. It's, uh, it's been a horrible...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two days. It's tragedy. It's tragedy. There's some things going on in the world, I know, Ukraine, Gaza and shit, but the Toto watchlet that is not working in our home, I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we know suffering is my point. I think we know what it is to suffer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mashing shit into your own ass with paper like a fucking barbarian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a big shitter. Everybody knows you're a big shitter and a big wiper. And this is, yea, you have to press the button on your own. It's terrible. It's really, it's kinda like, I don't wanna say anything that people wouldn't like, but it's kinda like slave labor is what it feels like. It feels like we're doing, like, slavery. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're right back there with you now. There's no...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? The pores are gonna like this. I threw, threw my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your course of my own discovery of like what they're like and what they do. And my investigation into washcloths.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started using washcloths, uh, for like my asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in the shower. Yeah. Cause I was like, oh, it really does help clean your asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just kind of rinse it, and then you do it again. And then when it finally is white, yeaah, you're good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, this is, this is a lie and you're very, very, you're a liar and you're damaged and you're not listening. You, I'll be like, hey, I want to tell you something and it's sincere. You're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Comedy Store is a mental hospital. That's exactly what it's like. Like you look back on your career as a comedian and going and doing spots and different clubs. I mean, half the people that walk in for spots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you find out they've been doing it 18 years and you're like, Hmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, anything that helps comedians is good for the whole, for the lot of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's usually moms. We talked to some people who were like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're saying that their dad was, but I feel like for most people, it's that their mom is. They're just like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's whatever her most annoying trait is, it becomes her only trait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like your mom drops everything else. Because her, I guess it's like her life is winding down. So all the other things that interested her or that she what used to, she was like, I don't do any of that. I just, I'm just annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, yeah, my dad's pretty cool. Like he's, cause he's like, he's a low-T king.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An older guy is totally like, yea, this is what I wear, this is what I like, and this is what I do, so he's very straightforward. I don't know why...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up guys? I am gonna be touring in Texas this weekend. I will be in San Antonio and Dallas. There are still tickets left Sunday, March 10th in Belton, Texas at the Cadence Bank Center. And then going to Florida, which I cannot wait to do. I'm doing two shows in St. Augustine at the St. Augustine Amphitheater, March 13th and March 15th. There are still tickets left on March 13th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, March 14th, I'll be in Orlando at the Kia Center. Very excited to come there. You can get the tickets and all the tour information at TomSegura.com slash tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in the Navy, of course, and this happened 20 plus years ago. My buddy, roommate said he wanted to run a train on a girl. We found a girl online who wanted to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was half black, half white, worked at Red Robin. Yum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The night it happened, my roommate's friend happened to be there only because he was over 21 and bought the alcohol. When I picked up the girl, literally at first sight she kissed me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After we got back to my apartment, she started to down Bacardi. Rum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it hit, she started to make out again. We took it to the bedroom. Me and the other guy were Eiffel Towering her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone's, she's sitting on this guy, and her mouth is on the guy above him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, when I called out to my, uhm, my buddy to get in there, he was currently on the phone with his mom and said, sorry mom, I gotta go. He came in and found a hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After we were done, the next morning I woke up and immediately started to have sex with her again. My buddy who was sleeping in the same bed said he couldn't sleep when we were doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told him to either get up and join in or leave. He left the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I finished and went to take a shower. He went in there and got a piece and then took a shower. Jesus. After I was done, of course. Then after he was done, his buddy went in and used the dirty little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a cool story, and I appreciate your candor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This girl serviced three guys for fun. In the military, in the navy. Just like three buddies. Yeah, okay. Your friend too, sure. They all dumped clips in her. She's a patriot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she did that at night and in the morning for all three. Wow. That's pretty rad. Wow. By the way, you think that's her only crazy story like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty neat. This is in kind of the same lane, sort of, but I don't know, I don't think you've seen this. You look excited. I'm very excited to show you this. Are you ready? I'm ready. Here you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's actually like, I actually, the brain doesn't even comprehend this. It doesn't register.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's one thing for someone to like, I don't, I guess, see their mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the nude, but she's shooting content, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's taking loads to the face and he's like, got it. I'll upload this right away, mom. That this is very, very.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something, there's just some lines that shouldn't be violated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're born in a different country, it just doesn't, it doesn't count. We're all so different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, mothers and sons are just different there, I guess. It's fucking crazy when people do that. Well, I'm from Europe and you're like, yeah, that's not, that doesn't change this at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's different though. That's different. You're saying people are comfortable with the human body. Sexual content is different than the human body. That is different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, cool, speaking of cool parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, iconic actor Robert De Niro was, uh, recently, uhm, featured.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the cover of People Magazine. I don't know if you saw this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's 80. And he's a new dad? Is that what I'm seeing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have to think everything's cool. Here's the thing, you know how people go, Hollywood is depraved and sick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a lot of their examples are actually, they're lies, they're not true. But this is weird. And this is depraved. To be like, what a fucking cool guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she won't, he won't be a part of her life. She's not gonna remember him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's this in the photos? Oh, that's your dad. You're seven now, but back then, yeaah, that was your dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can only be celebrated for this if you are a huge success in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're not, uh, if you're not like a big winner. That's true. Right? Like if you're a fucking loser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you're iconic, famous, wealthy, then people are like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the small print say there? Can you see it? I can't read it from here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The 80 year old acting legend opens up about life as a dad. Oscar buzz for KillSY.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're hesitant to criticize behavior that they'll criticize in anybody else. So like if you bring this up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing? What is your level of participation at 80? Cause I've seen grandparents with kids, you know? Yeaah, not good. Yeaah, they go, uuuh, they got you a toy, and they kiss him, and then they're like, okay, here you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what am I supposed to do? I'm 80. Get on the ground? No, they can't get on the ground. Which is by the way where a kid lives. On the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hilarious. That is, that is the depravity of Hollywood. I know, yeaah. For sure. And people being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Cool. His seventh child is the baby. Well, that's just fantastic. Yeah. I guess they'll know they're siblings.


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[Assistant] All customers get SGP insurance every day. Get a bonus bet back if one leg of your SGP loses. Minimum number of legs required and max bet varies. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. New customers use my promo code MOM and get a no sweat bet. That's promo code MOM only at DraftKings Sportsbook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys. She doesn't need that much time with him. 10, 11 months is all you need with your dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real hair, cause it's fucking incredible. It's gorgeous. It's really amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we talked about him before, he talked about that. Yes. He talked about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess it's whatever. That's a pretty good, uh, disposition on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a crazy imbalance of men to- I forget what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's a pretty, I thought, doesn't Anchorage have a different...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 18 to 29. You're not saying it right. Oh, right. Right. Sorry. He said it. Patricia. He said like something else actually. Patrice. Patria. Patria. What she said was like Patricia, but you're right. It is Patricia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's lifelong bits that you do with someone, right? If you're with somebody a long time, there's like continuous 20 year bits. And my favorite one you do is, uh, do you even think I'm a woman? That's my favorite one you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like you saying that thing. You know, I'm a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, farts are probably the pathway into Brotown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I see you as a lady. I see you as a lady. You look lovely, you look really nice today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He bows down with her. There's no dialing back what he does. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other place does. So if there's a shower, I use it. If they don't have one, sometimes I just don't have time to go home, shower before I continue my day. So I go out, change shirts, shorts, but then I'll shower when I get home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I'll do the thumb crease. You know when you do the thing and you're like, oof. You see how the guys nod? They'll know. Stop. And you're like, god, that's me? Fucking stanky nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it wasn't, yeah. I just knew that it was in the, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This type of commercial, they really should bring these back. I think they should bring these back for national commercials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. And they put him in the commercial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a way to get everybody talking about your business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gave me an idea. What's that? I just haven't, you just talking about this just gave me a good idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This had to happen, uh, we had you last time, you weren't able to make it, so thank you very much for coming back, or coming here for the first time. Man, I'm sorry about not being able to make it, you know. Please, I mean there's no- But I'm honored to be here. We're excited to have you guys, this is uhm, this is what I wanna ask you, because like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were just talking about maybe taking a vacation pretty soon. Even though makeup doesn't provide a total disguise, like it's your face under it, do you really feel like it's hiding in a way when it's off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't we almost cross paths? I think we did. Like a month ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so we ended up, I mean, he lives here, he lives here in Austin. And he has great, great restaurants here. He's a sushi chef, and so it's a big deal to be an American sushi chef, white, and go do sushi in Tokyo. And it went really well for him.


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[Assistant] And I did it. So you've done, you're doing, you're, you're, you're doing dreams right now. You did that. You did stand up. You did? He just tried stand up last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, now that you've done it, you've done it, the way that usually goes is somebody goes, I did it, you know, it's like a bucket list thing or whatever, or they find it like semi addictive, like I gotta do it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, you are a performer. Like, you know, you've been performing for years, so you have a natural comfort up there that most people who are new wouldn't have also. That's true. You know how to work a mic, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you did it the first time, was it just like, well, let's just see if we can get everybody together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, they're also like, you know, from Brooklyn and then like, you know, they're, they're, they're coastal guys now, so they're, they're woke and evolved and they're saying the right thing because that's what that group says. They're in that bubble and they don't even, you know, realize it.


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[Assistant] I think so. I think you're right. I think you can get AIDS that way. Probably. Yeah, towels have AIDS in them. Big deal. Yes they do. For sure. I know. You share a towel with a, with a G? Absolutely. Yeah. Or a J. You get something, right? Something. For sure.


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[Assistant] So, you guys have a story that I don't think a lot, like everyone's aware of, that's kinda like, it's pretty incredible, which is regarding the FBI. Oh yeaah. Like, so for people that don't know, you were, how do you find out that you're being labeled a gang? Well, in 2011,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a gang member. Because you got an ICP shirt on. How long does it take from being, learning that, you know, you're on the list, hey, you know, it's cool at first to like, hey, we need to actually do something about this. How long does that take?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who did I just, oh, I just went and saw Government Mule. Do you know who that is? No. He's basically like, I guess you would say, uh, uh, from the family of the Allman Brothers, right? Like that style of music. It was that ACL here. It was amazing. It was fucking unbelievable. Like he's an incredible guitar player, incredible singer. So it has like that Southern rock kind of vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of Gigi and penises and everything, I got a bunch of messages that people are making appointments to get their injections. You're kidding! Penis injections? Yea, we had this guy from Fallophil come in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, they have stores all over the country now and people are adding, uh, uh, it's like, you know, people get Botox in their face. They're getting that in their dick and it's getting... Filler, not Botox. So it makes your dick fatter, but not longer? Right, exactly. Filler in your dick. Filler, dick filler, yeah. Nah, don't need it. So this is like a little tree stalk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, a quarter inch at a time. Super chode, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll pass it on to you pretty soon. What do I have here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know, uhm, can you put those like around the back or something so I can show you something? The, the cans? Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He teaches, like, uh, he teaches, like, cock workshops and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he would do it with the spin of this is not gay. I'm just here to help you heal your soul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said that the ancient warriors like the Spartans and the samurai would, uh, suck each other's nipples and balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what he knows. His skin's incredible. Right. But he has this like here and this one he goes-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a sexual offense. That guy's not competent to order breakfast. I can't imagine what the fuck he did. That they're no longer pressing charges with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ryan Sickler, our friend, the comedian, got a major crime, he got a jury duty and he ended up on a trial for, uh, gang drug trafficking murder. Like a major case. In LA, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever, you know what, yeaah, I guess there are, but this is like, it's really, really crazy sexual stuff. No, listen to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you do me a favor? Can you just open up to a random page? Uh oh. Were these gimmicked up or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tightening my thighs around his neck, I felt his beard tickle my inner thighs. My eyes rolled back, and I knew I was gonna squirt all over the place. Yes, slob on that cat. Get it nice and wet for that dick, I groaned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Piss all over me, I then heard him mumble. You want me to do what? I shouted back to him. I said piss all over my face, I wanna drink your pee. Do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe the ophthalmology community has a different take on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, thank you very much. That's a nice way to wrap things up. Right, she should have started with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well look, this is such a treat having you guys here. Thank you guys for coming. And once again, 24th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos. Indeed. I mean, it's really a testament to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To you guys and, and your fan base, but like what you've got going and kept together and, and grown. It's, it's really impressive. So congratulations on that. You should be celebrated. Uhm, your health, you're, you're feeling better, you said, you feel good. Yeah, I'm all good. And you, I mean, not only did you feel better, you fucking wrestled like a lunatic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. Go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome, good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Uh, we are rolling here in Tejas. It's another episode of Your Mom's House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] March 10th. I added a second show in St. Augustine, Florida. It's March 13th. And the next day, I am in Orlando, Florida. March 14th. Tickets are at TomSegura.com slash tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, that's right. Sometimes I mispronounce it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Why do they call raisins raisins and not dried grapes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're really on one today. Very impressive. Is this a big thing you discovered?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They always said though, if uhm, if you had constipation, eat a plum. I thought that was a thing. A plum. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for sharing that. Thank you for saving that and sharing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pretty excited. Uhm, why don't we play this first clip and then we'll...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, that's really, that's really cool. I just blew somebody's mind. That's really cool. So, let's uh, let's start the show, okay? Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love is a different word I would use for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's pretty, very pretty woman, yea. And she, she's accent, she's Aussie accent, right? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's actually also, she looks like this, if you told me this was someone's uhm, you know, journey, goal, I'd be like, oh I'm sure when I see them or hear them speak they're going to be clinically insane. And she doesn't seem like that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is three. I don't know, but I don't actually like, uh, mocking someone because they're different. So I don't appreciate what you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, manorexic, so either hand can do, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like when we did the Sober October challenges and we were like, I'm gonna workout twice today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, I did, I got another one. I did my cardio and I lifted today. I'm feeling good. Okay. Pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's interesting though? This is essentially the male fantasy. So like, porn...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's saying it completely shameless, right? Like most people would have some level of shame. It's like just an interesting, um, psychology of what's going on with this person. Like how come there's no shame? Why, why, why so much pride?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not about the different time. This is an individual thing. Because most people who are doing this would feel, most people who have this interaction would be like, I'll keep that to myself. It wouldn't be broadcast. I'm like, got filled up again today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I can't imagine that the, like if the family saw this that they're like...


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[Assistant] And I'm not trying to shame her. I want to make that clear. What I'm saying is most people, the overwhelming majority of people would feel some level of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shame, or at least that they should keep this to themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, this uh, stat chasing thing is usually something you associate with males. Males, yeaah. Yeaah, so that's why the other part of you that goes like, wow, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's like somebody who goes, Oh, if I go run, what if I tear my Achilles? What if I get cramps? What if I, you know what I mean? Like you're just looking for excuses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I got you. Oh, plantar fasciitis. How about fucking get out there and do it. Get out there and do it, you fucking dipshit.


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[Assistant] Well, that's like ultra marathoner. Cause some people do a hundred mile races.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, it's settled. You're just a run of the mill whore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why these people don't do what I did. Just feel immense shame about the way you look and feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you do at that point? You turn around and you leave the restaurant. And you leave it for the regular folks. You leave it for the normals to eat there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go to a barn and you eat with like-sized people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who the fuck is thinking that? There's arms here? I guess this isn't for me. Jesus Christ. Sit on the floor. That's what they should do. If you walk into a restaurant and you don't fit in the chair, you eat on the floor. Until you can fit in the chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about they should do the real segment, which is like how much diarrhea they had at Disney.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's that too. Uhm, I gotta also just say this. I had an incredible time in Las Vegas. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Way too many days. I like having like a 48 hour max, but we had a huge promotional week with poor Osos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we did, I lost track of the amount of events, but I have to give a shout out. First of all, I have to thank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody that came to all the stuff that we did, uhm, all of you that, that got tickets to the show, the show was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was one of the greatest shows I've ever been a part of. I mean, Trevor Wallace opened the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bobby Lee went next. Shane Gillis went next. Then Bert and I went up. Uhm, we sold out of porousis in 15 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We sold a fucking insane amount of Porosos merch. We had a crazy after party. So many people came to like, support us. Uh, Jelly Roll came. Kimmel came. Vince Vaughn was there. Uhm, got a, uh, uh, uh, Big Country came. Uhm, Michael Che, Dan Soder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm, I'm forgetting people. Chrissy Dee came. Hey! I mean, it was like, it was so many people. And it was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was incredible to feel that level of support from people. It was really awesome. It was really awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had our punt pass kick event. Will Compton, I gotta say thank you to him. Warren Sapp came to that and participated. Uh, Joey Fatone came and participated. And it was just like, it was just so much, it was so much fun. Uhm, and so many people just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I was, a lot of gratitude. Rich Eisen, Gronk, Edelman, they were, they were fantastic and uhm, it was just, it was a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people don't know, but you'll find out. And we also, we now added Nevada's also gonna, so we're supposed to start with California, Texas and Florida and on that trip,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't say which yet, but then a major sports team was like, we'd like it to be the official.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so we're very fortunate and super thankful to everybody that came. Thank you for coming and thanks for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For showing the, uh, the support. It was awesome. It was really cool. I don't think Disney will carry it, but I think that a lot of other places will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think really good lower bluff work is a game changer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this before, by the way, that one is from fucking 25 years ago. But his more recent one, yeaah, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, but again, those are, that's many years apart. Some of these examples are, like that one above, right, right there, that's probably, that's before and after is probably more recent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although it would be cool to do stand up after like a really extreme facelift. Where it's like, how's everybody doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's what happens, the handsome guys, the movie stars, they get cosmetic surgery and don't talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the, the action stars are all on juice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they either deny it or don't talk about it. And by the way, every fucking single one of them, every one of them, they're all juicing. And I don't mean like tea, like I take a little tea, I'm talking these dudes are on all of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deca, Anivar, Trend, HGH, they're taking huge cycles. They're, dude, they're regular dudes. They're not fucking superstar, they're regular dudes. They're in their 40s and 50s and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I was like, oh maybe that guy isn't. And then I asked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the reason that they deny is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People think if you ju- just juicing will get you that body. Right? And the truth is, you have to work out, like, you have to be working out really hard. You still have to be disciplined with diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're in an era where people are learning more and more about it, and we're starting to go like, oh. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More people are onto it, going like, oh, I know that this is bullshit, and we're gonna get to a point where everybody understands it, and then we'll, maybe at that point, it will be the year of admission, you know, where people, but it's so silly. But the, yeah, the plastic surgery is the other one, like somebody's fucking 55, all of a sudden they're like, hi, and then they go, no, I just rested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She looks like, it doesn't even look like the same person, it looks like somebody who's a fan of hers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. But also her and every sister, they all did it. They all look completely different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back and joining us, very excited to have in the studio, is Bill Moore, the owner, the creator, and the guy that runs Falofil. Correct? Correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, this has been, I think, a topic that never ends. Uh, I think every man, certainly,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At some point in his life, maybe for all of his life, has an obsession with his genitals and he has a desire to, in most cases, uh, enlarge them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, yeaah, the majority of men, and we also have like, probably almost an unhealthy, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obsession with like how, how we feel about it, what it says about us, it affects people's confidence, right? And, and, and it's just something where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, men always see that women, especially through the course of our life, went through this huge leap in breasts. Breasts are a big, you know, confidence thing for women. Some do get them reduced, but the majority has been this...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This whole world of women like enhancing their breasts. Of course. And it went from the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the initial phase where they were just like boulders and they're just like rock solid. So like now, like it's undetectable in so many ways, right? So how did you come up with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this solution or what you've been doing. How did this start?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This filler increases the girth of your flaccid penis. And erect. And erect. So it goes in... It's proportional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are these sizes that are on display on the table, are these supposed to be flaccid sizes or just? It can be either one. So what we can do is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that close? I mean, it's kinda. Okay, so let me tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, do you ever, so, there's people, let's say, in the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It also, also needs to be said that if you're a black guy and you're pro- and you're feeling like, God, I don't have some- That's worse for them. Right, because they're like, everybody's expecting it. It's really hard for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's lovely. Is that what you like? That can be arranged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a question for ya. Yes. So, what's going on with that fucking thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the main questions that I had. You take, let's say, the before measurements. How do you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I'm as small as I can get. Like what if I, what if I go in there, where you measure me, and you're like, okay, you're, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four inches in girth and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me tell you something doc.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This thing gets a lot smaller, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this effective? That is interesting, I've never heard that before. Well he, uhm, he has like, real world examples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they're all candidates, right? They're all, everyone's a candidate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look. That's for sure. You don't have to convince me, Bill. I mean, the person is really is gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being on the spot's gonna help. You really gotta think, but here's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think full girth is probably there. The larger one? Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The myth, the myth is that it's shoe size, that it's completely unrelated. I don't think shoe size is. Yea, that's completely unrelated, but that like, index fingers and, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. There are some that look like they're gunshots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys really don't care what your vag looks like. I gotta tell you. We, you know, you do go like, oh, that one is, is whatever. And this one is this, but like ultimately,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, we really, we're not like, oh yeaah, and it looked like no one gives a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always been uhm, with breasts, like I don't, I've been, I've loved small breasts, big, like I don't have, I don't go like, oh, if it's not like this I can't be happy, it just doesn't affect me that way, you know, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like butts, sure. I like butts. Uhm, I like, uh, if, uh, teeth are... Ah? I have nice teeth. You have beautiful teeth. Thank you. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So have you, have you had the, uhm, this is my first time I'm coming in for an assessment, and you're like, dude this is a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like a really full, you don't need anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be fair, one day at lunch, I saw any do the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shoot, the water, the water helps too. So, you're in Dallas, I come down for my first treatment. First treat, how long does it last?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how long do you, uh, recommend between, like if I go up one and I go, I want to go up another one, how long? Three weeks. Three weeks. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, look, we have to wrap up, but I wanted to say this. I think this is a very cool option for men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish you had a table of coochies out here and I would be like, I can run through all


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sex and a few things in between. Everybody, it's Rory Scoville. Let them hear it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's good to see you. I appreciate that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta do it once a tour, you gotta leave one at least, one of the good ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, did you- like you did one of the most amazing- we almost-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're able to podcast at the time cause I was like, this to me, nothing gives me more anxiety than what you did, which is why I was like, well, we have to celebrate it, which is that the last thing you did, which was where you go, I'm just going to go on tour and every night I'll just come up with something new.


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[Assistant] But how do you deal, cause like, every comedian fears bombing. So how do you, how come you don't fear it as much? I think I do.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think you could, I think I could do it for a little bit. Cause I've done that. I have shown up and been like, alright, and signed up for like the no material, whatever kind of stuff. But the fact that you were doing like full sets, like doing it that way, I'm like, this is insane.


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[Assistant] And like, I didn't have a joke with it, I just kinda talked about it and it became something.


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[Assistant] Uhm, this is, this isn't really funny in this moment, this is just revealing. You know what I mean? Almost like you're doing therapy in a way, but like, and then you'll find a joke later on? Yes.


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[Assistant] That's like my favorite show, like here in town, it's called Bottom of the Barrel, where they have a literal little barrel on stage, and it has, uh, just written suggestions from the audience. So you pull it out, and if you don't want to do it, you drop it, but if you read it, you just say the thing, and then you just see where it goes, because you,


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[Assistant] No, but you know the funny thing is, are the comedians, are the comedians who are like, ahh, like, and I knew them all, we knew them all.


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[Assistant] Coming up where like, I'm just gonna, I'm not gonna do all that other stuff.


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[Assistant] You gotta have a place, like a website that people can go to to watch things and buy tickets, have links, and you gotta put, you have to be present more than just on stage.


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[Assistant] A VHS tape, and him being like, yeah, thank you. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Being like, ah, can I get on this show?


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[Assistant] It's not, you know, it's not completely an even exchange. Like I know, I don't want to like say the people, but it's like, I know somebody who, whose social media following is impressive by most people's measure, but it's not the biggest and they have massive ticket sales. You know what I mean? So it's not like the same.


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[Assistant] Also, I mean, I don't know, I also remember things like, I remember being in Indianapolis and this guy was like, can I get a guest spot? And I just met him and I, I told the owner, I was like, can you get a guest spot? And, and they were like, are you endorsing him? And I was like, yeah.


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[Assistant] And then he went up there and he absolutely just bombed. You don't say. Horrific.


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[Assistant] And then the owner was like, I thought you said that this was gonna be good.


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[Assistant] He's my favorite comedian. I go, I don't know. So I go to him, I go, what the fuck, man? And he goes, yeah, it's fucking, I'm going to do different stuff if I can get one more guest. Yeah. And I was like,


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[Assistant] And he was like, I'm gonna do something like totally, I'll do this like my killer stuff now. I go, okay. And he went up there and he did Verbatim, the same set. And I was like, yeaah. And he was like, yeaah, I don't know. And the funny thing is, the other point of this guy is that I remember


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[Assistant] He showed me his website, and it was fucking amazing. It looked like, like, uh, like fucking like, Ford's website. You know what I mean? It was like...


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[Assistant] It is actually disheartening. If your circle of friends is comedian, first of all, it's not saying that like you're, you know, it's impossible to talk. It's just that comedians, you know, it's obvious, right? You work in comedy. You, you write comedy, perform comedy. So when you hang out with them,


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[Assistant] The, the, like your gauge for like, oh shit, that's really funny. It is going to be different. You are kind of more in tune to things. And usually when you're like, oh my god.


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[Assistant] It's, it's like a, it's a different thing. When my friends who don't do stand up fucking send me clips of shit, I'm always like, I always go haha. Very funny.


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[Assistant] I know, and also I feel- Let's just stay out of it. So, I send them the most, like, for me I'm like, thank god they can't hear the tone, but I'll just write like, that is funny. Or like, such a good find.


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[Assistant] Yea, exactly. Porn's actually a great analogy for it. Because, you know.


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[Assistant] My genuine reaction to seeing a flight deck with three female pilots for the first time.


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[Assistant] But I can't tell, it's almost like, I mean the-


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's, you know, they're all, they're all, you know, they...


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[Assistant] You know what might be happening here? I don't know if I'm correct, but because of those business lay flats, this could be like a long haul flight. Yeaah. Or you could have a rotating, cause if it's like a 16 hour flight, you know?


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[Assistant] A longy. And they're like, eh, you're on your period, I know you're gonna get emotional, I'll come in and fly when you throw a tantrum. You know? Cause your fucking nails aren't painted, or whatever you guys do.


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[Assistant] Women are different. I dunno. Different. Different. Different.


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[Assistant] I think it's because it's so, it's really, she just got in the car.


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[Assistant] Have you seen the, the broadcasting of the tears? Like when somebody's like going through an emotional moment and then they hit record then and then they upload of like tears coming down.


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[Assistant] The weird thing is when they go comment below and they're, the thing they're asking is so uninteresting. I know. You know? Like, like, uh, I'm making broccoli, uh, what's your favorite vegetable? Yeaah. Who gives a fuck what someone's favorite vegetable?


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[Assistant] I'll tell, I'll say this, I think I, it's definitely not my wheelhouse to be like, let's go to a bunch of events and wave and shake a lot of hands and rah rah rah.


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[Assistant] I think I did the best that I could, and I think I made, uh, the most fun by far was that show. Like the show at the end was absolutely fucking bonkers. And the energy was, I mean I'm not kidding you, it was insanity. It was really crazy.


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[Assistant] Every, all the guests were surprise guests. So like- Oh, that's fun. Trevor Wallace coming was a surprise. Bobby Lee coming up was a surprise. Shane Gill's coming- So every time somebody would get announced, they would just go absolutely crazy. And then when we came on stage,


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[Assistant] It was just, it was pandemonium and, and they, you know, so everything culminated in that show, which was really fun. Um, you know, I don't think I, I need to do 10 events in every time I go to Vegas. But I mean, I tried to have fun with it. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That's a very convincing trickle sound. I actually do feel like you would be amazing at playing this guy.


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[Assistant] And the, uh, the Celtic warriors, you know, they would cup each other's balls and sniff each other's taints before they went into battle. Is that real? He said it.


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[Assistant] Which seems counterintuitive. Yeaah. And something that a liar might say.


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[Assistant] Don't think we're not out here. We are. We're out here, dude.


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[Assistant] Now by the way, I was gonna say this. I do wanna play this guy. Oh my god, please. Uh, your hair.


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[Assistant] And your skin looked great. Thank you. Did you just get back from like a trip, like a vacation or something? No. This is just-


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[Assistant] So I was kinda right. So I only know that much. The way I said it was kinda right. Wait, what did you say? The way that I said your last name was kinda right. It was kinda right. And you attacked me.


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[Assistant] I thought he was going to go with their actually physically touching children. Yeaah, me too. It's the ideas.


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[Assistant] Oh, can we talk about this by the way? I just not planned. I just remembered this. I, I told you this. We work with, uh, the same lady. She doesn't want her name spoken. Good. But.


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[Assistant] I was in her office. Yes. I look up and I'm like, oh, that's a fucking rad painting. And she's like, oh, Rory painted it. Why? You're a painter too? No, he's a, he's a super legit. What? I am obsessed. That's awesome. I wanna paint. Pull up Rory Scovel artwork, please.


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[Assistant] Hey, can you do this? Can you go take it back from her? Yeah. Okay.


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[Assistant] I think you can also, like, the analogy is like pretty, applies I think to stand up, where like, people think of like, people being like, super proficient, and what you don't hear are the conversations literally before going on stage, where a couple comics are like,


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[Assistant] I don't have, this shit sucks. And the other one's like, I don't, this is not worth the shit. I hate myself. God, I suck. And then they walk on stage and like kill. And then walk off and they're like, I mean, I guess they liked it, but that wasn't good. Like that's how comedians are.