[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Steve, I got footage of my friend in a ninja outfit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a fuck up in high school, but I learned a little bit of Spanish. For some reason I liked Spanish and I liked the typing class. We had this program called Typing Tutor and I loved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the first time I met Steve I had to open up the door like my second week and he had taken a hit of a NOS balloon was purple and just fell on the floor. That was, I opened the door and he did that and he's like, I'm fucking here. And everybody was like cheering and you know, it was just a wild, wild time. And so, you know, I ended up working there. I fought Chuck Liddell in a two, two, like my second week. They're like, all right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want to stay at this magazine? I was like yea, you're fighting Chuck Liddell. No one knew him yet. They made me watch his Brazilian fights and I was like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nicest guy. Yeah, yeah, but that sounds like it would suck. It sucked, but I had it, I was like, I did whatever it took. Yeah, whatever they asked you to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool as fuck. So I'm there, and uh, you know, that's when the, the, so then Jackass hit. And then there was all these people, cause that was just root mania. And I remember the, the uhm, graphic designer Tyler Dare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, hey man, all these doctors are starting to hang out, like with the groupies and stuff like that. I go, who gives a fuck about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, dude, they could write us prescriptions for anything. I'm like, what do I want? Like Advil? Like I didn't, I still didn't think about the Viking because that was like a year before and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, Vicodin? They could just write it. I'm like, wait, what? And he goes, yeah, dude. So we met this doctor and he would just write us prescription. Just to hang out. Unlimited. I had a bottle and my mom was finding these things. She's like, how is this existing? Like, how are you getting this? But we had all these doctor friends. And so that's when that, that really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, I wanted to be on it, so I was filming with the same crews that were filming all that stuff. And yeah, like I was like, fuck, I wanna be in Jackass. But, like a lot of the guys, we didn't think it was gonna be that big, so like a lot of the crew, half the guys stayed and made Big Brother, and they're like, dude,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom was like, I started getting really bad, and she was like, you know, if you want to come home, you can come home, but you can't work at that mag- my mom just- She just knew something was up. She was like, I don't like you working at that magazine, but it wasn't their fault, you know, but it's like, you know, I'm-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not. Well, that's wild shit that was going on. It was, it was, like, un-un-unbelievable. I mean, we were just blowing lines of coke, like, like, watching traffic on Los Angeles. We were just like, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy. And that wasn't even, that was like, that was just the beginning for me. But like, so then during that building, I would just wander around the hall. So you'd go on the third floor and they had a consulate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where all the girls coming in from Sweden and Brazil, they literally had pimps, guys with fucking hats with feathers in them. And they would go, hey, come up to the, I think it was the 10th floor, come up to the 10th floor and check this out. And they would have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they would, they were giving girls their citizenship, and they were just bringing them in from the Czech Republic, from, uh, Brazil, and they were just entering them into porn. And it was like, I even felt bad at the time, as much of a pervert as I am. I was like, cause they were my age, I was like 19 or something, I was like, Jesus. And the guys were like, hey, you're gonna be a star, and all this stuff. It was just happening at that building. And the girls were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so like I started wandering around the rooms and there was porn everywhere and we got all the reject. If, if people submitted for porn and they weren't good looking enough or they were just too fucking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom caught me beatin' off. It's GONE, dude! It's fu- cause she thought he had the problem. She thought that that was just- and he did a rat on me. Yeah. And so like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a love-hate thing with my mom, like we're getting- when you get married, like my relationship with my mom got better. She was really there for me during my wedding, and you know, now that I'm married and stuff, and probably gonna have kids, and you know, you gotta repair it, but I was like, pretty-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Broke it off from my mom, but we were very alike, and so we rubbed each other the wrong way, but she was like, from the start, she was like, I don't know where, cause I was very good at hiding it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but, uh, so I got bored with porn, so I'm like, coked out, wandering the halls of Larry Flint publications, and I go, dude, this, this shit's fuckin' boring. I've seen every pussy fuck this. And then some guy goes, uh, aw, dude, you gotta talk to this guy, Jim Powers. He's like, you never, you know, do you do Bukkake? Cause you would, you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you would just go and open up suites and there would be a girl in like bondage and you'd be just walking around. Oh really, like just there in the building. In the building. It was, it was discreet but like we had the free pass of the place cause we were big brother and especially when Jackass came on, it was just like we could do whatever we wanted over there and so uhm, so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So some guy goes, oh, you gotta meet Jim Powers. And then I go, okay, well, what's bukkake? And he goes, well, it's when like 50 to 80 guys jerk off on a girl's face. We don't have one this week, but we actually have a reverse bukkake if you wanna go out in the valley, out in Sun Valley. Reverse? It's when like 50 or 60 girls squirt on a guy's face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, that day, as soon as they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I quit. Around that time, around that time, so I'm getting my timelines a little crazy, but around that time I quit. And so my mom goes, uh, it would mean a lot to me, like if you just got a normal job, why don't you get your real estate license? So I got my real estate license and I started doing industrial real estate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made these porn contacts, and I don't think I called the guy to actually go to a bukkake until I had left Big Brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So hey, what's up? I, I know, uh, I know Dave Carney and Jeff Tremaine, all these guys, those big, big brother guys that want to come. So he goes, come to this reverse book hockey. So I went and I'm in a suit and tie cause I'm selling. You're actually coming from like work and work. And so I made my own schedule, but I had to wear a suit and tie, but it was industrial real estate. So I was selling like warehouses and factories. That got very strange. Um, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boogie Nights deal, you know, so this is in this general area, so it's like the deal, you know, so. But you, like, when it's over, or do you stay till the end? I, I, I stayed a lot, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one I was like, whoa, and I was just like, I had carte blanche cause this guy was like, you know, you know, the, the big brother guys. And so that was cool. And he, um, Jim power's kind of like skater punk rock director guy. So he was like, let me just fucking hang there. So I went home and my parents had gotten a divorce by that time. I'm living at my dad's in Sunland and I'm doing a real estate. I'm doing commercial real estate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I, uhm, I started shooting heroin during that time. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he goes, he goes, and I was like nervous a little bit, he goes, so what story are you going to tell? The Mexican fight? Cause I used to fight on Mexican talk shows all coked out in a karate suit. And he goes, you can tell that story? I go, oh, well they kind of want me to tell the Bukaki story. He's like, oh. How many people listen to their podcasts? I'm like a lot. And he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's time number one like? Okay, so, so, and this is why, like, I feel like to get to the bukkake, it's a, it's a journey. Cause this is a part of like this whole bigger story. This is a very long story. So I'm trying to, I don't want to get caught off on these tributaries, but they're all juicy and very interesting. Even to me now saying it, cause I feel like a different person now. So like I'm talking about a person that doesn't even exist. I'm, I'm a normal guy now, somewhat, you know? But, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know, I know. Holy shit. I was terrified, I really was because I got that job through Family Connections, so it would, it was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was very, very weary of those two worlds crossing because it was very conservative real estate. These guys I worked for were very serious, very cool guys. And it was, you know, it was serious business. You're getting someone 80,000 square feet, you know, it's not fucking around time. So I was actually a very good realtor. It was very strange. I was on so much coke and heroin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't care about saying no. I didn't care about hearing no. So I'm like, hey, fucking buy it. Let's go. Let's go. I was just on it. On it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So you mean to tell me you have cousins that know where real estate is off, half off. I have a lot of people with money, let's form a partnership. Oh, you're right Steve, I'm kidding. Okay, okay, you caught me. You caught me. You caught me. Kidding. Always bullshitting, always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My friends started doing steroids that I was doing pills with. Lost a doctor connection. Uh, I don't want to get these guys in trouble, but there was some fake, uh, fake


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Businesses in Hollywood that sold Vicodin and steroids. So we started going there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, it's like, it's a cover business. It's a cover business, you know, and the, you know, uh, yeaah, it was a cover, I don't want to say too much, it was a cover business. So then one time we ran out, the guy didn't have Vicodin, by this time you're throwing up, you're shaking, you need, you need the shit. So I'm selling real estate, but you don't get that Vicodin, you're, I mean, it's like you're seizureing, it's the scariest thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're already, you're addicted at this point. Yeah, I'm like, I'm like fucking addicted and needing this. So then I start working at a restaurant at night cause I'm not making enough to in real estate. Even though I was making a ton, I was spending so much money that I would, I was moonlighting at a restaurant. You know, between like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, I'm hanging out doing pills with my friends doing steroids. He has needles everywhere. So he's like this buff dude. Uhm, and one time I took a blank needle and I go, you know, I'm just high, just like, damn, they were scary the first time I saw them. Second time was like, dude, why are these around? Third or fourth time, I'm like, my friend just has needles. They weren't, they became not a big deal. So I grabbed one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was new, and I just, it was a diabetic needle, and I just put it in, and I was like, wow, that didn't hurt. I was like, that, that, you didn't even feel it go in. I, you, I could do it to you, and if you weren't paying attention, it was just, it just slid in. I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That didn't hurt. So then when he said that, he was like, well you just use these diabetic needles. I was like, well they don't hurt, and I'm about to hurt really bad right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we got that stuff, I put it in, I was like, wow, this is, this is better, okay, this is cool. So then, he didn't have Vicodin the next time, and then my friend was- But he had liquid Vicodin. He had liquid Vicodin, but it was very expensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was. He just nods. He's like, yeah, he's a doctor. No, and so then we can't, we can't get the liq- the liquid was too expensive and so my friend goes, let's just go to downtown LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we just, I'm in a suit and tie and we go down to downtown LA. So now there's gourmet coffee, there's gelato places, 10, in 2006 it was not, it was not like this down there. So it was like a war zone, but I was in a suit and tie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my friend was like in a Raiders jersey with tattoos all buff and they were like, they thought we were under covers and so my friend had to go get it and he, you know, if you're a white boy down there, they're just like, how many? What do you need?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he was able to get him, we brought it home and I was like, I don't, I just repeated what I saw in Pulp Fiction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just like, okay, you put that in there, you must mix it with water, light it up, and it makes this solution. And then we didn't even know what we were doing, and like, I'll never forget this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my best friends of the world, he just came on my podcast and talked about it. Cause he's, he's newly sober now, so he's been out the whole time and now he's like six months sober. So that was, you know, he kept going. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll never forget, it was at the time of Tiger Woods Golf and so he went to go, we were playing video games before we went to get it and then he came and like shot up like hardcore and then just started playing video games and I go, hey man, how is it? And he just looks over at me with his hat backwards and goes, oh, it's the shit. And then I was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would I ever drink a beer again? Like what am I wasting my time for? Like I can't believe I, my first thought was like, I can't believe I'd swallowed drugs or smoked them or hung out in bars. This is the way to go. What am I doing? It felt like you took the Concorde to like Paris rather than a Greyhound. You know, I was like, what am I wasting my time for? Sounds like a pretty good


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a Chris Farley guy, I just wanted more, and I still am like that, I just have to watch it now, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so then, so then I, I'm doing real estate and I have, I had a pouch of always on me of cocaine, so I would shoot up and if I got to, I'm gonna do-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very, I'm very lucky. I was with a prostitute one night and she saw what I was doing and she was like, I don't not, I can't, you're gonna die in my presence and left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what are we looking at here? Okay. So, so this is perfect timing actually. Are we okay on time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm getting excited. So now I'm shooting heroin, doing coke, selling real estate. Secretly, you guys, I wanted to do comedy. There's only a few things I care about on this planet. When I start, when I watched Mr. Show for the first time in 1994, I was like suicidal when I was a kid and I never don't share that a lot. I was like, okay, there's people doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could, I'm gonna live. There's something here for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But watching Mr. Show was like, oh my god, so I always wanted to do it. This is a whole, I talked about this on the craft feasts, this is a whole other story. I had, I had secretly had breasts that I developed through peer


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is you? This is me. That's you right there. In 2006. You're wearing your karate gi? Always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The third time I went, I said, can I bring a camera crew with me? I stalked Bob Odenkirk. You guys know who that is? Yes, of course. Okay, so through real estate title information, I found out where he lived and I sent him a letter and I said, hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to be in comedy more than anything. I'm not doing it. I'm at a real estate agency and his office called me. Mr. Ogenkirk wants to talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, oh my god, for Mr. Shows, right around this time. And he goes, hey, it's Bob Odenkirk. I go, hey, he goes, what the fuck are you doing sending, who are you? And I was like, oh my god, that's my idol. I just ruined, I just ruined it. You know, he's like, you don't send stuff to people's house. I have a wife and kids. Cause I use like title information to get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm gonna make a video of a bukkake, and that means I'm a comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a very well done video, before the internet got big, 2006, Casey Maloney, my friend, created this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeaah. You just have to have an AIDS test. Yeaah. See how like bad vibe-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm, I'm tampering with something outside my house. He's talking to me, having fun, explaining what's going to go on. Is there, is there, there's a music bed the whole time? Yea, it's Madonna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like a Bukkake enthusiast at this point. So I'm just hanging out there, which is creepier I think than participating. I'm just like, so I'm selling real estate during the day, doing coke and heroin at night, hanging out at Bukkake's in a karate studio, just kind of hanging. You know, like boogie nights, like I'm the guy just hanging there. But it's, it's, it's sick. It's soul sickness. It's spiritual sickness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, is this, all this played at UCB? So, okay, so then, you, Matt, so they, they, it was, before, it was like ground level UCB, 2006, Matt Bester was doing shows, there's ten people there. So they had an illegal and fucked up video night there, and I said, I'd like to show my video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, great, there's 200 people there. However, the original UCB on Franklin holds was packed and great sound system and I play this whole video, so like. But at this point, everyone's still


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no. And he was banging his head on the wall and I asked, I asked a porn girl at another one that I went to. I only went to one more after this before I went with my wife and I go, do you get creeped out by any of this? She's like, no. And he was there. She goes, he makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's banging his head on the wall a lot of times. I have this funny moment with this filipino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sorry, is she done right now? Yeah, exactly. Is she done when you're following? She's done and I'm talking, she calls me a sick fuck in this part. I think the video, the sound, I was like, hey, can I come in the shower with you? I was like single at the time. Yeah. And I was like hugging her and she's like, you're a fucking sicko, dude. Like, cause I was hugging her with all the cum right here. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does this end here or not? This ends, we do a fake, uh, we do a fake, uh, when someone dies, what do you call it? Memoriam? A fake memoriam to the guy that announced himself, if you could hear the video, hey I'm Mickey Rock, you know, and we said that, okay, so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great documentary, yeaah. I met him in 92, um, Gigi Allen. I ran into him, like, with the guy who edited this video, ironically. We saw him as a kid, but that's, that's, yeaah. I ran into him, I was like, woah, like a week or two before he died. Wow. Yeaah. It was a cool, like, one of my cool sightings. Isn't there a shot of, uh, Sarah in that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I'm sitting among them and I'm just a dude who's doing real estate. He's just doing weird shit like this. And they go, Steven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so now we have, I, I, I get sober, years go on, that's 2006, we're talking 2000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 15, 16, I have a podcast with Sam and Chelsea. So I'm obviously telling these same- And you're totally sober now. Yea, totally sober. Telling these same stories and Chelsea thought they were funny and blah blah blah. And I'm, you know, talking a big game when I'm her friend. I'm secretly in love with her. I end up dating her. I end up, like, we end up hooking up one night after potluck and we're like, hey, I was like, hey, I really want to date you. And she was like, okay, I want to date you too. And then she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wouldn't that be funny? What should we do for our first date? Cause we put a lot of crazy stuff online, you know? And she was like, what if it was out of bukkake? Had a bad feeling in my stomach. Cause now this is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't talked to these guys in fucking a decade. I don't even know if it, I hope it's not still going on and I'm, I'm definitely like, I'm helping people in sobriety. I, I have, I have a nephew, two nieces, like I'm like a different person. But I've talked this big game and here's my dream moment. It's like, dude, wouldn't that be funny if we went to Bukkake?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, yeah, that'd be funny if Jim power's still doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had his fucking number, you know, you change cell phones and the contacts must have changed over and I texted Jim Powers, hey, uh, you still doing book hockey? And he texted me a flyer for one that was coming up that week. And I was like, he was like, just texted me a flyer and I was like for like book hockey 58 or whatever it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bad feeling. And I showed Chelsea, and she's like, oh my god, this is gonna be so awesome! And it was out here in the valley, she's like, okay, this is fucking rad. So as the time's going on, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The girl of my dreams, 50 dudes jerking off, and me. Like there's no, I don't have anything to hold onto. There's nothing, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we go to like walk into that waiting room. Now this waiting room is even bigger. And I have pictures on my phone I could show you guys later. So we go into this waiting room and there's like 30 guys waiting. And they think, so the girl- 100% they think she's the girl. Cause the girl that they're coming on is taking promo shots in the warehouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're all in the front of, yeaah, so she's taking the promo shots, the pre-cum promo shots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's like, aww, let me see your cock, your cock. And so I start to have a panic attack. Straight up panic, like medical, like I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' reppin' it, but now here I am, like, not, dude, this is a real moment for me, cause I realize I'm not that guy anymore, and I'm like, I am dead sober, I'm smelling all the smells, these guys are drinking Dr. Pepper, eating pizza, fuckin', and my girls fuckin' systematically be like, show me your cock, show me your cock, and they're like, well, they're like, let's see your tits, and she's like, can I show him my tits, and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm cool. Sure. And she like lifts up her shirt and they're all erupting. And I just, I went outside and I was like, God, what am I supposed to do right now? Like I'm a good guy. I'm sponsoring people on a 12 step program. Like I love this girl. It feels like you're back in the darkness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so I'm like fucking bummed out. I'm like, damn dude, what does this happen? But I don't want to be uncool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In front of her, and so we're in there, we're in there, and I'm like talking to her, and she's like, just be cool, everything's fine. She's like, nah dude, don't even trip, like, we're, you know, we're cool, and so I was holding her, and then Jim Powers goes, Bukkake boys, let's go!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so he files everybody into the room and everybody starts, you know, jerking off on the girl and I'm holding my, my girlfriend who's now my wife, like I'm holding her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And slowly but surely, every's poppin', every's poppin', this girl's covered in cum, and she's like, oh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna hold her hair for like the last three guys. And I was like, okay, and so Chelsea's holdin' the girl's hair. What? Yeaah, crazy. Just being coo- I think we were trying to like, out-fuckin'-cool each other. First week of dating, we both had talked a big game, she used to be a stripper, I was a junkie, like, we're both trying to be cool. Now, I- this is, you know- So she's on camera. She's- dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She holds the hair. So she holds the hair and I'm like now she's like doing this and so then like there's a sound guy, right, holding it up and so everybody pops. So now we're there with the girl covered in cum and two camera crews and a sound guy and he goes, what's up fucking creep? He goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just gonna sit there and fucking not jerk off on my wife?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, huh? And he goes, that's my wife, you're just gonna sit here and watch? And he goes, and he goes, I go, oh man, no, I'm not, I just came to watch. He's like, very disrespectful dude. He's like, you gotta jerk off on my fucking wife. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold down my pants and started sucking my dick. So there's that moment I think we all have in our different lives where I look up and there's two fucking camera crews. I'm in a warehouse like at that time like eight years sober.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so they go porn handshake and they're all giving me elbows, like you're one of us now, one of us now. And then they're like, Oh dude, like you're so, that's so fucking cool. So I go, Hey Chelsea, I gotta go. And I walk out and she walks out behind me and I break down hysterically sobbing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she, this is the only part that we, she says she didn't cry, she broke down hysterically crying. And she says, I never cried, she cried. And we both held each other crying. And that was it. That was the last time. And I was like, dude, I only want to be with you. I don't, like, you know, you have that, like, everybody has that thought, like, could I, like, could I fuck someone else? It's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know for me now, like, I had the pass, I did it, and it did not make me happy. I only want her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I came on her and then the next night I'm working at the comedy store. I'm working at the comedy store and I'm sitting in the back with Adam Egott and all the people like leaning up against the wall and my phone starts fucking blowing up. And I'm like, well, you know, I'm not a fucking Instagram guy or a Twitter guy. And I'm like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so it kinda, it kinda got out there, uhm, they were tweeting me, but then I just stopped, I just fuckin', I never responded to anybody and I just let it pass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your whole life seems like- Yeah, there's a part of that, this is a whole dip, like this is what I told them at the crab feast, cause I went on for fucking hours in there, but I started fighting in a Mexican


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello, this is Captain Marcel. My sister went down. I'm going down to the mountain to save my sister. Tell everybody I'll be back. I need to back up. I'll see you later. Bye. I gotta save my sister. Bye. This is Captain Marcel. Bye bye. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And please, do not go outside yet. Wait till the sun goes down, then you go outside to the park, ride your bike with your family. But please, stay in the house for a while, it's very hot. I'm going home, take a shower, and have a glass of water, I'm going to rest. Talk to you later, bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright guys, I had to do this real quick announcement at the top because we added some big shows that I have to tell you about. Uh, so before we get into the show, here's what it is. June 2nd in Chicago, we added a fourth show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, at the Chicago Theater, it's on sale now. August 15th, we added a second show in Toronto at the Sony Center. That is on sale now. August 17th, in Vancouver at the Queen Elizabeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] September 28th, we added a second show in Denver at the Belko. That goes on sale Thursday, April 18th. And in Minneapolis, we added a second show, uhm, October 11th. That goes on sale this Friday the 19th. Additionally, in the UK, the dates there that had withheld tickets,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kobe1 has sent us a library of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I'm full of gratitude because the, so far 51, I think soon to be 55, city, second half of the Take It Down tour is up and running. Okay. It's all on sale now. TomSegura.com slash tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't be more thrilled, uhm, and thankful to be doing this in all the places I'm doing it. And uhm, added like some crazy things. Man, I'm going to your homeland, I'm going to Budapest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm also going all over the U.S. I'm doing Canada, Winnipeg, Vancouver, Calgary, Toronto, London.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, they're all on sale now. Thanks very much everybody. I really appreciate it. Can't wait to come to your city, uh, and, and bring this show to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. So I think by the time this comes out, yeaah, I'm coming to Boston. If you haven't gotten tickets yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Gene, there's so much to talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool guy club? It's really good. It is. I mean it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Young Patreon put it on Spotify, so you can listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Young is Y-U-N-G, and then Patreon, P-A-T-R-E-O, and it's called Cool Guy Club, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Home Depot has a lot of shit going on and most of it's in the parking lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, a tool or something, and I ran into this guy, I was like, I'm looking for this, and he was like, uh, I work in plants. I was like, plants? I was like, yea, there's a whole planetarium, whatever it's called, and he's like, you need a, like a bush, you're trying to buy a tree or something? No man, I want, I want like a hammer, and he's like, that's not my department. And then he looks like an airport hanger behind him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why, like, you really- Feels hopeless. That's why you really appreciate, uh, awesome, uhm, customer service people. I know. Cause they're not everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Press, I'm home here now, I press two labels, I print two labels. But I'm in a separate room than the printer. So when I go to the printer, there's nothing there, and I realize, oh, we have a new printer, so I have to, you know, align it with, right, with the wifi and the computer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So. So annoying. When I go back to my laptop, the last thing that I printed, the last label is still there after I connect them and I'm able to reprint it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I print it, I'm like, okay, what about the previous one, the one that I closed? I printed two labels. So I'm at the FedEx site and I'm like, okay, there's gotta be a way that you can see what you printed and then reprint it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that would be nice. I go, I'm like, I go through the shipping stuff. I go to the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, tracking. I'm like, oh, it'd probably be in the tracking and then you could pull up the label. I'm not kidding you. I spent half an hour. I then Google, I YouTube how to reprint. The format that's in the YouTube video is not the current format. So I'm, I'm losing my fucking mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go to FedEx, with the, you know, the label that I have, I go, here you go, and I tell the guy, he goes, we can't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, you can't do what? We can't pull up your account. I go, I'm explaining to you my issue. He goes, yeah, yeah, we can't pull up any of your stuff and we can't do whatever you did on your, we have no access to any of it. Like that's what he leads with. I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what if I were to log into my own, he goes, you can't do this here. You can't, nothing you want to do, I could help you with. And I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright man. It's the worst. And then I'm like, so there's just no way what I'm explaining is accessible or possible. I can have you talk to our manager. I'm like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I see, I'm like, where's the manager? And then he looks right, he's like, I don't know, but she's an assistant manager. I'm like, all right. So I go up to her and I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, of course I tell her, I'm just super frustrated, but I tell her calmly, I go, you know, I just went through this whole thing. You're not like, stupid bitch. No, no, I tell her the whole thing that I just told you, but I go, and I just don't know what she goes, do you know you, can you log into your account here? And I go, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I log in and the secret is that the reprint is under create a shipment. So like if you were to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you're, you're a comedian. I go, yeah. He goes, you've really gotten better. And I go, thanks. And he goes, yeah, you're just kind of way more polished now. I used to listen to you all the time. I was like, okay. Thanks man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how fucking stupid is it to have a reprint of something under create? It makes you crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's definitely not on drugs. She's, uh, and also she's completely unreasonable for people listening or even watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's upset at the car parked next to her saying it's too close, and she's the one that parked out of line. In other words, she parked off of, out of the two lines, and she's mad at the guy who parked correctly, who's now too close to her because of how she parked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Is there any more of her? There is, right? Yeah. I mean, she's... She's like, you should move your car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you something about this too. This is the difference because this woman really needs to get checked, okay? And if she were a guy, she would already have had her ass kicked in her life a number of times with this attitude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is where at least another woman needs to put her in a choke hold or body slam her. To show her what it's like, yeaah. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Because she's so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's so entitled and throws this fucking attitude around and people allow it. There's some guys that would be like, alright, I'll move my car. And she really just needs a woman to throw an elbow in her mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when you've been checked as a guy, y-you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, if I was this woman, first of all, it takes a fraction of a second to realize that she's out of line with how she parked. And then to make unreasonable demands on top of that? I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a guy, I don't know, I'm just, I'm not insane. So I would just be like, I know I'd be like, maybe I don't want to move my car. Maybe it's humiliating to have to move my car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, if there's another guy there who's like, I didn't do anything wrong, part of your, your, your DNA wiring as a guy starts to just automatically size up who's telling you. Of course. And women don't have, right? Like a guy fucking is like, hey dude, um, your, your brain just goes like, can this guy fuck me up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? It kind of makes you, it kind of makes you second guess saying stupid shit. That's what physical, it does. Well I'll tell you something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even almost getting your ass kicked makes you aware of physical danger. Of watching your stupid fucking mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then her, see what's not helping is her daughter, with her little panda backpack, a grown ass woman. I know, it's so true. A fucking child's backpack, is siding with her mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He could be. You know what I would do though, cause this bitch is about to walk in the Home Depot, is just park a little bit closer to her car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kept having fantasies about knowing that some of them were breaking down mentally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just so people know, the reason that things are, sometimes there's an intro separated, the touring, kind of wild, and we don't ever want to miss a week, so we have to record things separately from when.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, I mean, I thought that was always one of the theories on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the fucking Zapruder film, man. It's- Oh, meh no. Study it for generations. If only there was some way to confirm what he was saying, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's a great, it's a, it is a great contribution to the analysis of what is said there. I have always been most leaning into either home here now, or homey on out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's clearly saying like, this is the address, come over, do these things to me, I'm home here now, makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying, it could be, you know, I know the debates go on. I get messages all the time. Sometimes when people sign off and they'll go, by the way, it's, it's homey on that. You know what I mean? Like that'll be their sign off to a message about, to me about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it, I like it. Uhm, by the way, before we go any further, I want to make it clear that we are thrilled to be, uhm, doing this podcast here and in the new space in our studio, so to speak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I wanna, uh, encourage you if you have not to check out the two other podcasts we are currently producing. The Honeydew, Ryan Sickler's podcast, which is fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YouTube channel, the YMH YouTube channel. That show has been exploding, uhm, wildly popular out of the gate. And thank you very much for supporting it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Drew, I love that his show is doing so well. And Sickle Cells, what a wonderful show that is. Well that was just getting started, it's gonna get bigger and bigger. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just did, uh, Hot Ones Truth or Dab.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is their spinoff show. Cool. I think it is about, if, if it's uh, based on the schedule talking to them, uhm, as, as this podcast comes out, that might be hitting YouTube right then, or maybe it's the week after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I did it with Bertrand, uhm, and the concept, man, it is rough. That one really fucked me up. So when you do hot ones,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do progressively hotter wings. So you start with one and then, you know what I mean, it's mild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I had a couple shits in me. Uhm, it's cool because they do, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do duos? So uhm, uh, they had Tiffany Haddish and Kevin Hart did one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love, Kevin Hart. Uh, Bert and I, I think there's another one, and we're talking about-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be good for like other comedy duos to go into, you know, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I would shop and probably do it. Oh, he'd be great. Yeah, but like, it's like you do it with like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Callan, or he's got that other, uh, show with the mouse guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's like, uhm, I don't know, like maybe My Favorite Murder, that's two hosts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uh, Karen and uh, Georgia, I think is her name. So there's all these like, uh, combos, but it's like, it's a hilarious concept because when you're eating that, you actually get into a delirium. It's like doing shots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, the further along the show gets, you're so uncomfortable that he asks you something, and you might just spit something out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of the population demographics and they feel like there's a disproportionate number of white guys on the team, that they have to have more white guys in their sports.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same thing, you know, if you look at their college teams, BYU, they have like a lot of white guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I gotta keep you off the floor. At least take a little, uh, like a saucepan to hold under your mouth for all the drool. You're gonna be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of how big his feet are? I think they're probably pretty big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, I mean, you're a professional basketball player. Ouch. Feet gonna get fucked up. Mangled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People board flights with shoes like that. Uhm, tank tops. That's disgusting too. And armpits out, chests that look out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this is what makes commercial travel, air travel in America is just, it's god damn disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have, they fly more respectfully, I'm serious. They do. When I was in the, I was in Macau and Hong Kong and Singapore, it's just like a different culture of like, nobody boards with like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna stink, you know. It's got, I got just pissed on myself, but, you know, I gotta fly. No one's like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they treat you like really nice in economy. Like I flew Cathay Pacific, which is like the big airline. I think it's Hong Kong's airline. And you know, the flight attendants treat you, we flew economy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty good. It's also kind of G-rated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, by the way, before- Botherwa. Botherwa. Botherwa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the water champ, water bottle, sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we reordered it back in the store. Dr. Drew's You Shouldn't Prolapse Your Anus shirt also sold very well. Thank you for supporting it. Because the Water Champ thing is so big, people like it so much, we have Water Champ


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Logos, there's like Bikes One, DJ Dad Mouth, Piss On Me, Beat Me, and now Water Champ. These are awesome. So those are in the store. Thank you very much for your support. Those are really cool. Piss On Me, Beat Me. Yeah. Piss On Me, Beat Me, Home Me On Out. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. This is Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dun dun dun dun dun dun. Uhm, did you mention the ID?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yeaah, I mean I feel like we have to send them a swag bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your name legally to an inside joke from this podcast. You gettin' a shirt, bruh. That's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's devotion. Thank you very much. Yes. Um, Isabella and Eshan. Eshan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know how that lady was about to fight? Do you have that other group fight? That we were gonna, have you seen this fight? This shit was crazy, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was like, uh, I think it's in a parking garage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, is this where, I don't know why fights always happen in- Parking. Yea. Parking areas. I'm pretty sure this is a garage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that George Perez? Oh no. You mean shotgun? Could be him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's with the jeans? Alright, uhm, and by the way, uhm, a few weeks ago we introduced the idea, we have the sponsor Manscape that has all this great stuff. Yes. Uh, like ball trimmers and ball wipes and has like body wash, all this stuff. Anyways, they sent me a second kit, they sent two of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I discussed with you guys that we would have a little contest amongst the staff here about who gets the second one. But do you guys have an idea for how to do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, here's the thing, when can we get our, see those pubes, man? We're really excited to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, right now, we'd have to like, stop to get the pubes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I want the pubes taped to a piece of paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, nice persons. Uhm, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it nasty? That's the nastiest. He's nasty. He's the nastiest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Made me hopeful. What about the uhm, you know, the goal, the theory that we were kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a lot of fun. Yeah, we need us to make job come to work. Has the, the, the theory that the smoke show is the key to it all? I think, are we leaning into that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, let's set up this episode. So, this was pretty awesome. Uhm, this is Rhett and Link. Oh, they're so sweet. If you guys don't know, these guys have a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have multiple YouTube channels, actually. They like downplayed how many YouTube channels. They were like, hey, we got a couple. And one of them has 15 million subscribers. Another one has like, oh, just like five. And a few more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are like OG YouTube guys who could not be nicer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found out during this interview that even some of the content that they created, we actually played on this show as funny content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Successful people and what they do and I love the business of it all and learning and these guys were so open to you know telling the story of it. I just thought it was a fascinating


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let's just say that one of them is a little more ride or die than the other. Enjoy Rhett and Link.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like explosive careers in entertainment that aren't like, I'm on a TV show, I'm in a movie. You guys have built this unbelievable YouTube following.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you guys built an empire, and it's like, it's, I mean, it's fascinating, I just wanna know, I mean, first of all, you guys are North Carolinians, right? Yeah. And, you know, I- Born and raised. I went to school in North Carolina. Hickory, man. Hickory, North Carolina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In between Raleigh and Fayetteville. Okay, one of my good friends is from, uh, Randleman? Randleman? Randleman? Is it Randolph County?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Randleman's out near, out towards Raleigh. It's where, uh, what's his name? The King is from. Uh, what's the, uh, uh, Petty. Petty's from Randleman. Oh, Richard Petty. Yeah, Richard Petty. He's from Randleman, North Carolina. Okay. That's how Casey says it. Randle County.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, tell me about, so when you guys graduate, do you have the aspirations, the goals of what you do now or not at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've failed, here's how many math classes I've failed. I'm not serious, I'm not kidding. I got to, I moved my freshman year of high school, we moved down to Florida, Vero Beach, and I went to, they threw me into whatever, it was Algebra 1, I failed like FFF. They were like, you're the worst student.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was failing straight up and the math teacher was also an assistant football coach. He's like, I'll give you a D.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll hook you up with a D. And then, uh, freshman year in college, they had like a remit, like the other, you have to take one math class for this track. I failed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then senior year of college, they're like, the only way you can graduate college from Lenore Ryan is to take that remedial math class again. So I was a senior with all freshmen and the guy was like, you're so bad. You're the worst student I've ever had. And I saw he had a magazine about boats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I would stay after class and be like, you see that new, uh, 20 foot super sport that came out? Like, just talk to him about, but he was like, that's pretty cool. Just connect it on that. And that's how he passed. And we're talking like ski boats. Finding that end with a professional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I totally did. Also because I had no out. Cause I was like, if I don't do this, I'm gonna not graduate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before I forget, you guys and I, we're both, we're a day apart, we're doing the Nashville Comedy Festival together. You guys are April 9th, I'm April 10th, we're both at the Ryman, and there are no tickets available. So, you fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never, I've never done it. I heard it's in a beautiful space and uh, people, a lot of friends have done uh, played there and they said it's uh, like an awesome, awesome venue. What do you guys do in your live show by the way?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but you're engine- like you're working as engineers during the day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, when you make that cornhole video, and it starts to take off, are you like, this is it, we did the right, like this is what we should be doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So to give people who don't know that are listening or watching, uh, uh, how many YouTube channels do you guys have?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that, was that, like doing that though, was that also just off a cold call? Did you just call a place?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you ever like, do you ever stop, are you ever astounded at like that, like 15 million people? Yea, it's crazy. It's crazy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and again, I think it's even like, you know, we come from stand-ups, so you think it's a, you know, more traditional path, but like you basically built this path, like that didn't really exist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. That's right. You mean, so look, since you guys are such, uhm, you know, uh, so into and, and know the YouTube, uh, audience so well and how it works, I mean, can you give us some guidance? Like, we have a fart mic, right? So anybody- Okay, that's a good start. What do we do to up our game? That's a good one. Anything? Any advice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were real, like they looked worse than that shirt that's on. You know what I mean? His underwear did. And he would just like walk up the stairs, turn around, look at you fart, or he'd lay on the couch, two thumbs up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is one of those commercials, maybe it's the furniture one, or maybe it's another one, where you had the mother, somebody who was like, tried to say a line like 40 times, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so you guys, one of the things we discuss sometimes on this show is, you know, we're married, you guys are basically a married couple. By the way, very good looking guys, I can see why you have a successful channel. Very handsome. So, god they're good looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We discussed whether or not, you know, how ride or die. Uhm, one of the, the scenarios that came up once was like, I go to Starbucks, it's like an addiction every day, and I have a very specific order. It's not that complicated, but I like a splash of milk. A lot of times I'll watch them just dump milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get upset and I told her, you know, what if I were to wait outside


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of these locations, and I target the barista who made it wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your partner here is like, hey man, I know we're about to record, uh, I gotta tell you something real quick, I know we're gonna, we're gonna try out these hot dogs, but let me tell you something real quick, uh, I killed somebody today. Anyways, could you help me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I started to address it. I started to say, uh, black, nothing in it. And then like when they start making that, I go, oh, can I get on the side a little bit of milk? That's smart. And then they'll be like, do you want room? And I go, no, no, no. Cause I don't want them to be like, here, we'll leave this much room for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's an engineer. Listen to the engineer. You're right. It is an imprecise term. But then I would say, I would start, when I would get frustrated about that, I would say, can I get a very small splash? Or a very small amount? Yea, yea, yea. I would still get like just half a glass. So then I would go, make it black. Got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying in this scenario, both, but Rhett also, see if you did something, just like if she came to me, if she came to me and she was like, oh dropping off the kids at school today, I saw a mailman, I killed him. I'd be like, oh really? Let's figure out how to get like, hide this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm going to help you get out of this situation. That would be my first thought. How do I help you get away with this unprovoked murder?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. What if he said, what if he said, all I need you to do is say that we were having lunch in Peoria. Can you swing that for me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a segment we do called Horrible or Hilarious a lot. We show a video and uhm, we just get your reaction. Is this funny or is it terrible? One of them actually is incredibly interesting because of the fact


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That there's like, it's two buddies involved in something. I'm wondering if you guys would


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be the hardcore support and friend that the one person needs. Okay. So this is out in uh, the uh, like nature, right out in a stream of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Water, I guess you would call it. Uhm, and these guys are, I think they're actually out there trying to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, yeaah. So they're, they're crabbing. They're crabbing, I guess, but it does, it's, it's, it's not, uh, I don't know, it's not, it doesn't, I always thought of crabbing as like, uh, throwing in, like, the traps. Yeaah, the baskets. These guys are like, out there with their hands. Yeaah. For this shit. So. Are they noodling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's when you don't see anything grotesque. In other words, someone got hurt, but you're not seeing like actual, you know, the, the injury. And then a noise, like a grunt or a scream. The screams are funny. That's the funny part. The screams are funny. You can't see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if I, I think the, the, the, the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The points that I pointed out are what I've discovered. I can, like, if I see someone and you're like, check this out, and this dude's head cracks open, like, it's not funny to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do think there's something about not seeing any gore and hearing yells that does make me laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've discovered that as much as I laugh at some of this stuff, I don't have, I don't have it in me to watch actual real physical violence or like really go- I can't, I can't. I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's supposed to be on the line. Most of it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So some of it will be like, this is a big tent, some of it will be like actual, uhm, you know, some girl being like, oh my, my, my anal prolapse keeps, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, do you have any, uh, so, you've been here on the show now, like, do you have any, like, you guys are the YouTube gods, what's your advice for us? I mean, do we keep the fart mic? Yeah, you definitely should keep the fart mic, you know. Any other, like, any advice for us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just all, it's a gimmick, it's a code gimmick. So, are you guys in a, are you, cause I, okay, you got the, the book's coming out, the novel, you're touring, doing live shows, we're both doing Nashville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, uh, you have the, the show five days a week and you're also developing, do you also continually, uh, write and shoot like, just, uh, sketch type videos too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I'm just fucking firehose that. I let it run a full cycle, goes off on its own, and I hit it again. Are you serious? Yea. I don't even check what's there, I'm just like, I know it's a mess, just go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a couple creepy hypnotizers that we're gonna get into on a future app with uh, yeah, we found these guys that like, the first thought you have maybe of like a hypnotist can they make people do things and like, these guys are straight up creeps. So we're gonna-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not a good combination. They're weird. Weird guys. Yeah. But I'm fascinated to see the tomato. Me too. I did it, uhm, I did the thing in college at like when they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You faked it? Yeah, totally. For what I was doing, yeah. But it started with when he was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was trying to see who was gonna participate. Yeah. He's like, and then like you're fall asleep or whatever. And I just dramatically was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course, but I mean in my head I was like, that's what everyone's doing, right? So, I don't know. That's my only experience and then I've seen one of those shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, you guys are killing it. And the book's coming out, uhm, you have, uh, Smosh, you have the store, there's just, it's endless. You got development, Jesus Christ, man. Take it easy. We need to slow down. Slow down and just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, now this was a lot of fun. Yeaah. Thank you guys for coming today. Yeaah, thanks for having us. Thanks guys. Well I'll see you in Nashville, you'll probably take off the next morning, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, Tom, do you think that this guy would beat you up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we've been thinking, uh, you know, whoever has, uh, the longest strand of hair that needs manscaping is probably a good way to decide who needs it. I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has Josh come yet? Yeah. Josh have you come yet? No. He says no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's a lot of fun. Make America old school again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I, uh, had a revelation with Dr. Drew. This just happened in that conversation with him? Yeah, he came up, he made me realize something. What's that? Uh, since I was born premature,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's that I don't remember it or it just put me on this trajectory apparently. But can anyone remember? And he also said that my propensity to do opioids in my early days might have stunted my cum forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not to spoil the episode. Wait a minute though, can I ask you something? Yea. What opioids were you into? Uh, Percocets. And you were doing them a lot? Yea, when I had eye surgery I got pretty into those. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Satisfaction, ever again, dulls everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he, uh, he did prescribe me weird sex. He said, I have to have as much and more weird sex. Really? Yeah, so that was the best thing I ever heard. From a doctor, hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, why waste time with that kind of like, you know, vaginal shit, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're still coming here and there, you know? I uh, I'm putting pins on the map for the Make Josh Come Tour 2020.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's getting itchy over here. And it was great right? The Melrose show was great. It was fun. Thank you for coming by the way if you came to that. That was a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not even saying that nearly right. June 1st. Say lose tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jean jackets? Oh, by this time, May 10th and 11th, I'm at Tempe. Is this already passed? Anyway, if it hasn't... Has it? Shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good. Alright, Tempe! Tempe Improv, May 31st through June 1st. I'm here at Flapper's Comedy Club, here in Sperm Bank. I'm home here now, Burbank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] John, uh, June 20th or 22nd, Washington DC at the DC Improv. Christina P online. I'll be announcing the rest of my year very shortly. It is coming. Also, Riverside, I have relatives there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's an actual river in Riverside, that's why they call it that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I listened to that episode again, and I was amazed that it was Chris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what was especially-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop it. You know what's really gross, re-listening to that, is that Josh Potter goes, I reached down in my taint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised how long Nadav's pubes were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we please get to the matter at hand though? I'm so excited. I finally wanted to come. We kind of shoot these episodes a little out of order. And last week, the tried out guy, we interviewed him. It debuted. The response from you guys was overwhelming. We had people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people were just beside themselves with joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of him, and I have to tell you, the day that that episode, Tried Out Guy episode dropped, I had a, the New York Times wrote an article. I was featured in the fucking New York Times. This is my second New York Times article.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was not as exciting to me as the tried out guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I think in the mommy community in our world, the tried out guy was everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was drinking his piss, he was writing-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also what I've noticed is, so somebody called him Lucifer when we were watching him on his InstaStory and now he's adopted Lucifer's lair as his thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, he misspells lair, and he spells it L-I-A-R. So he's like, welcome to Lucifer's Liar, and I'm like, oh you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I brought him up in therapy. That's how much he affected me, like the joy that he brought me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because I tried to ask mine about non-binary and stuff, and she's like, why are you interested? Why do you want to know? And I'm like, I don't know, because I'm non-binary, like, can you just tell me, like, what's going on? Why are these people doing this? And she wouldn't give me, like, a clear answer. She just kept wanting to know why I wanted to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it takes place in Mom's Australia. It's on Netflix and it's people who were together at one point and then they get back together again after years of not being a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's so fucking great. But there's this woman on there. Back with the ex. Back with the ex. Oh sorry. Back with the ex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on Netflix, it's Australian. Anyways, so it follows like four or five different couples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's one couple who they had like a two year fling, one guy, the guy was in Australia, she was in the US, and they were in their twenties, and then now they're both in their fifties, they're divorced, and he's been thinking about her every day since they were together in like the late eighties or nineties. Yeah, back with the ex. This is it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're together, and she's gorgeous. They both look fantastic. They do. But Tom and I are so uncomfortable with her, with how she talks, because she really likes to explain her feelings all the time. That's her. That's her. Diane. Yeah, Diane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I love the Australians, cause they're, like you said, they're very informal, and they love to keep it real, and they're always like, what's the phrase they always, they're like, I can't remember, but I like how they speak to each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, but I like how they're, they're just, they keep it level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When she would give him updates on how she was feeling, like during the date, sh- for instance, like she'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Peter, I'm really enjoying this process right now of just getting to know you. And she's like, she goes, she's like, and I'm looking into your eyes right now and I see your feelings and I feel that you're here. And I'm like, oh my God, it's making my skin crawl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what's going on. No, I think what bothers me is that she talks like she's from the self-help era. I think that's what makes me want to vomit, is the whole, I hear what you're saying and I'm going to mirror that back to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, she's a slut. I know. Wait, what was I gonna fucking say? Oh fuck, I had a good point too. God damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, oh, here's my big beef with that love affair. Okay, some of the exes, they've only been apart for like four years. You're like, that's not too long of a time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I will say I was on the Levi's website looking for jeans, and they have all these fucking fat models on there. And I go, you know what? But when I wear the jeans, I want to look skinny and cute. I don't want to look like a fat person. That's what I'm trying to fucking camouflage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, not that- look, see? Do you wanna buy those fuckin' fat jeans? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, speaking of attractive people, so as you know, I'm a huge Ryan Gosling fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was watching that movie, Crazy Stupid Love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it occurred to me that Emma Stone, who's a fantastic actress, no disrespect to Emma Stone, who's a talent and beautiful,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kind of, I'm feeling that. Ryan Gosling is so effing hot. And then Emma Stone is like not up to his level of hotness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. So who do you think is a top shelf leading man? You saw him fucking shirtless there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that doesn't sound very- Potter, Potter's on my side. Potter, chime in here please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't, I'm just saying, look it, in real life, this Ryan Gosling is hooked up with Eva Mendes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's fucking stunning. That's who bangs Ryan Gosling. They have two children together. Can you imagine how hot their kids are gonna be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's no Emma Stone. I don't understand. Yea, see look at those two. God damn. Now that's a beautiful couple. Yea, he looks better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Have you seen the notebook, Tom? We gotta watch the notebook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, I would. If I had googled whatever back in the day, I would have looked at all your weird stuff on Twitter, all the things that make you laugh, and been like, this guy's red flag city. And then I would not have dated you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I do, I do, and I asked him to look for her for me on Facebook the other day, and he did, and we both looked at it together, but I would not search her out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well there is one slut that I would want to make sure that- Really? Yeah, the African slut that you talk about. Oh my god. In Tunisia. Oh my god. It's in his act even. She's dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. And you had unprotected sex with us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm excited for you to make Josh internationally come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's every romantic comedy? I hate you. You're the worst guy ever. And he is like a turd. And then he chases her through an airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but what you're saying, oh right, right, right, yes, right, but especially, I mean, cause we have to post constantly on social media for our lives and our jobs, and like there's certain things you don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are we drawn to this dynamic of the guy, the powerful, overpowering guy, right? And the girl. Same women like Twilight too. It's the vampire thing, the overpowering guy. And clearly what's his name? Team Edward. Edward's kind of a perv, I mean he's like 300 years old, she's like 16.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and he's like creeping on her. And not only that, the Christian Grey series, the 50 Shades of Grey. Women love this dynamic of a controlling guy, even though


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Christian Grey is a dickhead. Not that they're all parallel, but there's some element of this that women are, we're drawn to this stuff. What is this? Loss of control maybe? Is it the incubus succubus, uh, you know what I mean? Well, as an expert in incubus,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially as a female entertainer because where, at least in my business, it is predominant in your business too. Yeah, yeah. But in comedy, stand-up comedy, there's like five women and then the rest are dudes. And like, I can't hold a torch for every group of women in the world, but I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Life, it's a beautiful part of life. She wants to hear your fucking jizz sounds. She'd love you. Do you have a husband that makes jizz sounds? A boyfriend? I don't. A lover?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about the first wife isn't dead, she's still alive. She takes half his money and hooks up with a Puerto Rican 27 year old guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you buy your husband for his 40th birthday a nice necklace like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Much love, no hate, as did I. Now, why do you feel Anne Rice's superiority in the vampire categories?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well here's my big problem with Twilight. Okay. Uhm, vampires cannot go in sunlight. Okay? That killed Lestat, we all know that. How the fuck do these vampires live in the light? Well they live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah? Really? Sure. Just used to live in New Orleans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. She changed a lot of people's lives. Dude! Really? Me too. I liked her. I liked her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, love it. I loved it. Very existential, very, very wonderful. So we are debuting this shirt just for you. You're the first guest who's going to receive the brand new Your Mom's House official


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we go to these games man, like we just go to these Laker games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and doubting yourself, David Letterman, I read a book about him in high school. After every taping of the, his show Letterman Show, he'd go home and watch it and hate everything he had said and done that night. And it compelled him to be better and funnier and better and funnier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The junk and the stuff. Oh yeah, it's everywhere. Oh, I think I see a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then what happened to your twig and your berries and did it get...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, is the stereotype true or false that black men have bigger dogs than white people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at these two evil savages, both of you. Psychos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. No they're not, are they? Yeah dude, that's her b-hole. That's her b-hole. And it's, it's uh, that's a bullseye. Quite a commitment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I missed the couch too. And I thought today...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we're gonna talk to Sarah Gamble from you in a little bit, which I love by the way. Exciting. So great. So great. And I watched it, of course, uh, and I had different feelings about it as it progressed. You know, because in the beginning, he does things that everybody does when they meet a girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a less intelligent you. It is Julia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's interesting that you think that because, do you look at it now that everybody's doing it? That it's taking away that ability to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I was watching Joe, and I was like seeing, when you meet a girl that you're like, oh my god, look at her, you definitely, I mean at least I do, I don't know, maybe I'm gonna out myself as a terrible person here, but I definitely would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you're not like out there on social media the way some people are. That's true. That you go, ugh, I don't know if I could tolerate this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You're like, alright. Anytime I've tried to do one, and I know we're in like comedy and stuff and we have to do them once in a while, and I'll do one, and I just, I'm like, where do I do it? I know. I'm like, there's people over there, I can't do it here, cause they're gonna see me, I'm gonna look like a psycho, like, I don't understand that at all. But in you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it was interesting how he did all that recon. I go, yeah, that's what everyone does. And then he kind of, you know, escalated it obviously. A bit, a little bit. Just a smidge, you know. Uh, but I thought I would bring up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some real life cyber-stalking cases that don't necessarily have the happy ending that you had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I had, I'll start out with one where it's kind of crazy cause uhm, this guy was a cop. And his ex girlfriend decided, I don't want to be with you anymore. So he decided to try and ruin her life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not Barney Fife, but you know, like kind of like a upstanding guy, you know? He's gonna help you out. In this case, the cop is like doing all these dirty things on the side. And when she made this, made like authorities aware of him, he goes, no, no, no, you're looking for the wrong person. You should be looking for this Katie Smith.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or no, Katie Jones, excuse me. And, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like he even took pictures of his own home and stuff and saying like, no, this same person's after me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and you know what's crazy even still is he ended up going to jail and in court was his now live-in girlfriend, the new girlfriend. Yeah, that means he has one who's standing by his side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long was he sentenced for? I think three years, but it's one of those like you could get out sooner kind of things. And the judge asked him like, when do you, what do you plan on doing when you get out? And he's like, I'll be with my, my girlfriend who I live with. And the judge goes, you should run for your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where was this guy a cop? Uh, in, uh, he was an Irondequoit, uh, police officer, this upstate New York shit, uh, by Rochester there. Elementary. Cool. That's where we say that. Amongst a couple of other things. I've been getting so much support, by the way, for the way that I say that word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now Christina, has there ever been an ex of Tom's where you were like, fuck this bitch, and you wanted to like, ruin our life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about when you go on like a momcation together and you're like, ah, you're in the lap of luxury. Do you ever just want to like tag that bitch and be like, see, what's up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, well this chick is super dope, she's ride or die to the end. Her name's Carolyn Rico Aspina. I don't know, that's Latina. Sounds like it. Something in there. So basically, she was with a fella who she loved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she goes to the Gram, or to Facebook, or all of them really. She just starts peppering this poor woman. Being like, uh, saying things like, I hope you die a slow death. I hope your family watches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or should I show up to your grandfathers in Tampa? Fuuck! In Tampa!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This woman, the ex, she's got thousands of followers on her. She's looking hot, you know, in her yoga pants and shit. Yeah, dude. This woman goes further, she says, I will bury you alive and let cancer eat your entire family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's kinda gray area when you start doing that kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thought I'd never do it, huh? And this is about leaking the woman's nudes to the internet. She goes, thought I'd never do it, huh? You Russian blank. What do you think she said there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm gonna, that's what I don't know, it's blank. I thought we could theorize on her uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, these are- that woman went to jail. That's too bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for a- for quite a long time for considering this, but yeah, so I mean, maybe now-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you come across africa woman on instagram, maybe you avoid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I'm uh, hey venues, answer the phones and uh, respond to your boy here, email me back and stuff, sup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like if you send, okay, let's say you send like a security guy with me. Yeah, somebody. Spitballin'. You know? Yeah. What does, you know, typically a security guy, we all have an image in our heads right now. Yeah. What that would look like. I think you'd be more interested in the security guy than me. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just your typical door guy, you know? Yeaah. Maybe he's a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no shit, that is big deal. I think I can go to everywhere but Canada. Okay. What? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, the truth is I have an alcohol-related arrest in my youth, and Canada is pretty big fucking cunts about it. Oh, they are. That's correct. Yes, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I have, I've had a passport that just recently expired, so I just couldn't get that bitch renewed and we're all set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, yes. I ran away to Europe for a moment. You did? Yea, it was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I've been to London and, uh, I've been to Amsterdam since then. Since then. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, do my dates for me, bro. You did such a good time last time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean? Yea it is. I'll be accepting, uh, gifts from you. All now, now until then. What are you gonna do for me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, great. So he needs all the help he can get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes you did. Thank god you suck, cause I don't want it. I don't want it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole world is waiting to get this intel on, on what's going on with our PC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I want, Josh, from you. I wanna know, I wanna know Robert Paul Champagne's daily routine. I wanna know what time he wakes up in the afternoon. I wanna know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, it's true. What? It's just truth, I'm not, I'm not being, I, I like all their videos, I encourage them, I follow them, like I'm trying, I'm not trying to be a hater, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] Because when I signed up it was for like the dancing videos and then I think what happened is like a rando


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[Assistant] Special person would pop up, and then I'd like it, cause I'm like, I wanna encourage that person. Yeah, cause I'm not a dick, like I'd be like, dude, I wanna, I wanna make them feel good. And then now my feed is like, all this kind of videos. It's all special people saying cool. So this is the type of guy you get. Right.


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[Assistant] Alright. Alright. Can't wait. So I wanted to bring up, uhm, as I'm in, I'm kinda cool now, I'm on the TikTok. Oh my god. And I also just found out, this is like a new mom thing, I just found out that not only can you rate your driver on Uber, they rate you. Did you know that?


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[Assistant] I did not know that. Now I'll tell you, I'm a nice person.


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[Assistant] Correct. Five being the highest, obvious. Now I'm just, for the record, Yana, whenever somebody delivers groceries or door dash or whatever, I always give them a five star. Five star, five star, five star, unless something egregious, you know, it's clearly like they're, they're simple. You know what I'm saying? Or like something's happened.


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[Assistant] Checking his phone is a complete, it's not allowed in my world. I get very upset with that. So dangerous.


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[Assistant] So I didn't realize, I've never known that until recently our millennial Ali told us that Uber drivers rate you.


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[Assistant] I didn't know. I had no idea that under your uber profile is your review. I'm like, are you fucking joking? So of course, the first thing I do, I immediately go to my uber profile. What do you think my number is? I already know.


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[Assistant] Now I'm gonna admit right now in, uhm, Charlotte City, one time I cancelled, I had to cancel an Uber, so I think that may have...


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[Assistant] I 100% canceled last minute, it was a dick move, it was because the weather, it was a long story, I had to do it. You know what I did one time?


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[Assistant] So here's my thing, I think 4.85 is a pretty great score.


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[Assistant] I don't know your uber score, but I think that definitively one may deduce


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[Assistant] Who the real personality champ is. Because this is from a pool of people that have gotten to know me at a very cursory level, over time. Now I admit I made a mistake in short-leg titty, I remember that. I don't think I've been rude to people, you know. What was that? Was that an accident?


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[Assistant] Five? She's told me. 5.0? Allie are you listening? Come in and tell us your uber score if you're listening to the show. Or text her by now. She's busy. Send me a text.


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[Assistant] I think Allie's got a damn near perfect score, cause she's that, she, it's important for her.


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[Assistant] Damn. And then, Nadav, you're a 4.81. So you're...segregious.


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[Assistant] I'm the personality champ. I'm already super nice. Okay, I need to get my uber score up. Okay, so let's, let's recap.


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[Assistant] Mommy is- I am the personality champ at 4.85. Josh Potter's actually 4.91, he's high up there.


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[Assistant] Blue band, so far the lowest for 4.81. Tom, go ahead, your score is, and I want to verify it with my own bird eyes. Let me see your app because I think you're gonna lie. I don't trust you.


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[Assistant] I'm the true personality champ here. I know that I have a higher score than you. I just know it. And I'm finally glad that there's a way to quantify the fact. Go ahead.


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[Assistant] Do you think that one ride is what did your- but it can't just be one bad score. It has to be a few bad scores, right? I mean, fuck, does anybody know how Uber works? It's gotta be more than one.


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[Assistant] 4.78? Bro, I've gotta make a fuckin' shirt that says 4.85 personality champ.


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[Assistant] Don't you feel like we- but actually, Josh Potter's the true personality champ with a four point- I'm sorry, Ali is, Ali is five stars. Five. So I'm the third, third place personality champ. That's not that great.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna do that five for five shit. I'm gonna start bribing people. I want my score to be way higher.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'll be like, bro, I'll give you fucking five for five. I'm gonna do it.


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[Assistant] I just want to keep the score way higher, and my credit has always been better than yours.


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[Assistant] No, I'm picturing myself in that position and I don't like it. That's so scary, babe.


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[Assistant] Kinda. I'm bummed out. You fuckin' bummed me out.


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[Assistant] It's terrible. The language is related to nothing. Finnish and Estonian. It's terrible. You don't want. Listen. Listen. I, when I was a little baby comedian, I would listen to you, your albums over and over again. And my very first legit booking as a comedian, you were the headliner at the Hollywood Improv.


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[Assistant] I will never forget, maybe 2007 or 8, and I, I, I was, beyond memory, I was like Tommy Chibbioff.


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[Assistant] And you have, okay, you have so many great bids, obviously, but the thing I remember from that night, you go,


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[Assistant] So and so, and they partied with the whole staff and they had the best crowds and you're like, why are you telling me that?


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[Assistant] No, I love it. I have so many questions for you. Okay, where did you start?


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[Assistant] Seafood restaurant in Florida, captain so-and-so's place, you know.


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[Assistant] And I always wondered this because my, my headliners would always be these filthy, filthy, filthy, flaren acts and they would kill and they would just kill in these biker bars and I would get up and I had dirty joke here, try to be smart here and I would always ask Tommy, remember I'd be like,


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[Assistant] How does a Jim Gaffigan form an act that doesn't resort to my dick comes in my butt and I fart in my shit in my hands and you know what I think? Cause that's what people fucking laugh at.


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[Assistant] And that, that's your core, like you're, you're a guy who likes naps and snacks. Yes. That's. Yes.


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[Assistant] Is that right? Of course. Yeah. Well yeah. So okay, let's talk about that because I'm so fascinated by that about you. So do you never?


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[Assistant] You mean when they, they grab, the industry gravitates towards a type of thing, cause it's, right now, that's the thing. Right. And let's all, hey, that's amazing. Right. Okay.


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[Assistant] But I think too because stand up in our industry, it's not seen as an end in and of itself.


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[Assistant] It's never good enough. Like if you just say to your managers or agent, I just want to be a great stand up. Well, you don't want to do movies. You don't want to do the television show and the thing and the thing. It's never enough.


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[Assistant] Uhm, you mentioned the anger stuff and I-


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[Assistant] I grew up in Los Angeles for the most part of my life and I didn't get to know America until I toured. And I loved the Midwest because people were so nice.


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[Assistant] Right? Like even in Minnesota, there's that Minnesota nice thing. And then what you said though, I mean, is there just a quiet rage in the Midwest? Or was, what makes you angry? What's your anger?


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[Assistant] I know, and your act is not, like you said, you're not a flamethrower, and for people to find problems with Jim Cafferty, right?


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[Assistant] Well, when we first sat down before we started rolling, Tom made a cum joke and I was like, oh, you made a cum joke in front of Jim Gaffey.


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[Assistant] Well, here's my problem, because I am such a toilet mouth and a toilet mind, and I've been told my whole career, you know, well, you know, up until I got more successful, like, you really shouldn't curse, Christina, you know, you really can be much more accessible, and I'm like, yeah, but,


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[Assistant] You're so funny. Well, that's what's so special about you, cause my lane of comedian is the filthy, you know, I want to hear horrible stuff. And for, for I was, was, am so into you and I love your humor and I love


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[Assistant] Hold on, I just saw something brand new. Look to his right there, there's like a leash thing hanging down there. What is that, like a durag tie? Like what is that? Is that the cap that's got a tie and...


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[Assistant] That's true. Right? Yeah. Well, I wouldn't even let a male swim instructor touch our three year old. He's taking swim lessons. Yeah. And I'm like, no, no, you send a girl. Don't you send me a guy to touch my three year old. No way. Some guy or a male nanny. Get the fuck out of here.


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[Assistant] They're the best. You talk so much about food.


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[Assistant] Did you know Phyllis Diller used to travel with a suitcase that had a portable stove top?


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[Assistant] Noooo. Now you've got a whole new lane!


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[Assistant] Did you, so when, so, Beyond the Pale comes out, and did you suspect that Hot Pockets was the hit jam? Like did you suspect as you were doing it live, like, oh, this is gonna...


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[Assistant] You know what I like is that you put the emphasis on different parts, like I call it a hot pocket, you say hot pocket.


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[Assistant] You say it differently. You say hot pocket. I say hot pocket. What is it? You say hot pocket.