[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and, and sort of make contacts and it's a big part of that. And so one thing I'm doing is, um, playing a lot more games. So one of the things I did over Christmas was I played all the games at the bundle, um, on the jingle jam live. And that was really interesting experience to play like 50 games that I'd never picked up before and just trying them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what's going through my, but the developers who gave us these games were very, very kind anyway. Cause you know, they didn't have to. We're sort of planning out a little bit, but one thing I've been doing is streaming on Saturday with Tom. Um, and we've been playing sort of games that we would normally not pick up, right? Like we played this crappy game about Bitcoin. Well, not about Bitcoin, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of dumb games that come out and stupid ideas and free stuff and weird stuff and bad stuff. Anyway, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm really enjoying sort of exploring new games because I feel like as I get older, I'm less willing to try new things necessarily. I feel like, I don't know, like I think it's a habit of age that people tend to fall into, right? That they're scared. I find myself coming home and being like, okay,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just gonna load up, slay the spire or, you know, into the breach because it feels like, it feels like a safe thing that I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whereas something else is like a kind of a risk, like a new game. So for example, I haven't picked up Kingdom Come Deliverance yet. Well I have picked it up, I bought it, but I haven't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I'm like, oh, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to get into this or whatever. And I'm sure once I start playing it, I'll enjoy it and I'll, I'll, you know, I'll play through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, that is, that is our podcast. Uh, we've got to go though. Oh my God. That was what an anecdote. I've got a little story about, um, going to an escape room actually in, in Australia and New Zealand, but I will save that for next time. I did an escape room as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my wife is uhm, is, is, is hanging out with this new guy at work and so I followed her and it turned out that they were having sex. So I, I shot her. Am I the asshole?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Greggs and get myself pasty. Just uh, here's me to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I think, yeah, cool, cool is- Oh! Cool is not the term I would use for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's funny how we talk so fondly of burgers and nuggets when they are kind of the epitome of manufactured meat. Oh, it's horrible, yeah. Gross processed meat, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me the nuggets. I'm ready. Well yeaah, that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nature can't compete. You know, nature has had plenty of time to try and make a chicken delicious over the years, right? Over millions of generations things have been eating chickens and we've been breeding them to be more and more delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. People would be scooping that shit up, you'd be able to put it in a little doggie bag, and instead of a doggie bin, you'd have a post bin, right? Where you'd post it to the fucking factory, where they would sell luxury made dog shit shit, and people would eat the shit out of it, because it was delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is the thing I was talking about to people, like, I think that for people who have, like, pets, these things is, the thing is that these guinea pigs now have been so, and birds too, like, domestic, like, pet birds, have been so domesticated over hundreds, well, in some cases, thousands of years, I mean, like, Egyptian sort of tamed, uhm.


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[Assistant] Is grass good? That's my question, is it good for the world? Grass? Is it, yeah. Well yeah. Is it like, does it stop kind of the d-d-dust bolt, you know what I mean? Does it like, does growing grass on this land stop it becoming kind of just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it good for greenhouse, greenhouse effect as well? Is it like, is it good reflector?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean like does it work like as a, does it work as a reflector? Cause a lot of stuff isn't really very reflective. Like modern urbanization is sort of a heat sink. It makes the earth hotter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Effect research research confirms that the trapping of the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a question, are greenhouses good for the green greenhouse effect?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this is apparently why it's better for climate change than like actual grass. Because you don't have to constantly be using your lawnmower to mow it and watering it and fiddling with it all the time and getting it perfect. All of that extra work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, I did look at a couple of- when I was looking around at move-in, uhm, recently I found a couple of places and one of them had this astroturf garden and it looked like the cheapest, tackiest shit you've ever seen in your life. So you bought the place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's really good. I mean, honestly, this truckin' show is full of great recommendations. I mean, honestly, like, I'm gonna- It is! I'm gonna, like, I watched the Vietnam War thing. Oh, that was good. Did you like that? Did you watch the whole thing? It's like 20 hours. That's all I've done over the last week, honestly, is all I do every week is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Write down while I'm listening to this podcast, the stuff, and then over the next week I'm gonna watch the Ascent of Man again. Oh, it's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The same team who made The Ascended Man also made Cosmos, which was the Carl Sagan famous series in the 80s, and they also made one before called Civilization, which was uhm, this guy called Kenneth Clarke went around, and it was very British, but he basically talked about fucking civilization, like history and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like all these, it was, it was very famous and very good and even now like stands up as watchable, even though it was made like fucking 15 years before it was made, it was like made in like fucking 70s, like 1969, ridiculous, a long time ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back in the day, you did not have- There was such a vast amount-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, like, like, this is the thing, like, I've read this thing about, like, the, the, the passing of boredom, right? Like, how back when we were kids, we were bored. Like, there was nothing to do. And I, I get that feeling sometimes, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, sometimes I'm just spoiled for choice. I've got like, I've got a Steam library full of games I've never played. I've got Netflix full of things I wanna watch. I've got tons of series, I've got folders and folders of books, I've got audio books, I've got fucking books on my shelf that I haven't read that I bought and just sat there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like something, some incredibly crazy statistics, like 75% of games on Steam, people have bought and then never even, even loaded once, you know. And then another 25%, they've loaded up for 5 minutes and stopped again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it's crazy, like the amount of- Well, a lot of this stuff you can pick up for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that does skew it, definitely, like people think, oh I might want to play this one day, cause it's a bargain, they pick it up and then they never do it, and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, how, how, it wasn't like that, you know, back in the day. I am over, I mean, like, I've been doing this channel with Turts where I'm trying to play a new game every day, right? He's pitching at it, he's pimping his other channel off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely not. So many new games come out all the fucking time. Like this week, I've got like Forza Horizon, I've got like fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Call of Duty Blackout, I played the Black Ops, I played Blackout yesterday, I tried that, I've played like fucking, just, people are saying to me stuff all the time, there's too much stuff, and a lot of it I'm like, oh man, I'd quite like to spend a few hours in this, and I can't, because, you know, I'm just, there's so much else I really wanna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I guess it gives you the opportunity to pick a choose though, right? And I, I, I do enjoy my free time and I, you know, I watch through that Vietnam thing, but you know, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's different to how it was when we were kids, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching, like, I just turned on the TV and like, Burn Notice was on, like, this American show, and you can fucking join that show, like, at any point in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thinly, kind of, nothing story. It's so predictable and obvious, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just background noise telly. Like, like, like, uh, I don't know. Sorry. Like dinner date.


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[Assistant] It's half an hour or whatever, but it might as well be divided into three ten minute, it might as well be ten minute episodes, you know like YouTube episodes where you can just run this fucking playlist and it's just the same shit every time except different faces. I think that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, I think that's what we do, right? Same shit, but different. And it's like, it's comforting, it's like, familiar, but also you know what you're gonna get. And also like, I don't know, we like it humans, we like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To go through life having the same thing, but slightly different.


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[Assistant] Is that, like, is that, okay, do you reckon they do, I mean this is the thing, right, like, we talk about, when we do these sort of live action-y sort of challenges, right, my attitude is always, let's do our best, right, because if we, because if we do that, we'll probably fuck it up anyway, right, because we're stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't go into these live action challenges saying, let's make a fucking mess of this, right? We go into it like, I'm, well I am anyway, I'm always like, I wanna try and do as good as I can here, and then if it turns out shit, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good, that's just inevitable. But at least that wasn't true, at least they didn't even fucking give it a go. Do you think people on this show, do you think they are trying their best or do you think they are just literally...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they're given, like, such a big fucking opportunity, do you know what I mean? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a lot of the people on it are already usually people who own businesses, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But let's do it, let's do it now, okay? You're on the donut-task, what's your fucking, what's your solution to like, some artisan bullshit donut?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chicken donut. Chicken donut, mate! You're gonna just shred some like fried up chicken shreddings? It's like a chicken nugget, but in a donut shape with sugar on it. Yeah. Fucking hell, yeah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything! My five year old will draw you badly on a doughnut!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just, they're just like, oh well, I'm spending money on a coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's changed though. It used to be that street food was this shitty cheap sausagey wank that you would just not want. Okay, you'd avoid it, right? It would be crap. But now it's all artisan. It is. Look at the Bristol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird, all the shops, all the shops are corporations mass producing garbage and the food trucks are artisan places which one grandma, you know, makes up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I lost my dildo. Where could it be? Are you tired of losing your dildo every five seconds? Well, try the new JML dildo tracker. That's right. Never lose your dildo again. Proudly sponsored by dildos. Hey, I always lose my dildo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't even really need to talk sometimes. Sometimes you can just do gestures and facial expressions and that's enough, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smiley face. You know, the knowing look. I like the knowing look. You know, the knowing look is such an artful facial expression, isn't it? Because it just clicks. You know, like something happens, you look at somebody and they give you that look and it says a thousand times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too, I still do, yeaah. I, I still, it's a habit thing, like it's not, it's not cause I think I'm too cool to use lol, I just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I thought that lol was reserved to laugh out loud and there couldn't be any other meanings. But people use it to say lots of love as well.


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[Assistant] Like, my mom does. And I think older people on Facebook use it. And it's confusing sometimes because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird. I don't think that they're allowed to do that. I don't think they should be allowed to do that. It's lol, laugh out loud. It's always been that. Don't try to change it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. It's confusing. I don't know. I'm sure that there's words in the English language that both mean something terrible and delightful at the same time. I can't think of any of them off the top of my head, but it's very confusing and I think that there should be some policing done. We should have a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uh, hey honey! It's awkward to hear it too when people are talking about-


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[Assistant] I have no problem saying the word pussy to describe somebody as a pussy. Don't be such a pussy. It doesn't bug me at all. I don't feel bad about using that word at all in that context, but I feel tremendously awkward using it in pretty much any other context.


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[Assistant] I'm not prudish or anything, but I just don't want somebody, I wouldn't, I wouldn't like say like, wanna touch my cock, like I, I wouldn't describe my dick as, as a cock either, like it just sounds- How would you describe it? Just call it my dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's definitely a point that you could cross where you're probably in the mood to hear anything though. Right, yeah. With just like the promise of sex and the excitement around like a sexual encounter and stuff. You know, if they turned around and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The difference between men and women in what men find attractive and what women find attractive, those differences are always really interesting too. Like we'll walk, we'll be walking down the road and you know, you, you know, sometimes you're walking down the road with your wife or your girlfriend and you'll see, you'll see a woman walking towards you and she's dressed very provocatively, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in terms of actual attractiveness, and if I was attracted to this person and wanted to enter into a long relationship with them or whatever, I don't know. You know, like sometimes you see somebody and you think,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also for men, I feel like it's not even, it's, it's, it's partly that, but I think more so as well. It's the, it's, it's women appearing to be very available or like being like really up for it sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And probably some, some, some unhappiness too. I think there's probably some disappointment and unhappiness there. A lot of people, it's amazing what people put up with too, right? Like some people get, have these long ass marriages forever and ever and ever and they, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to have that because it's so much harder otherwise. They feel safer and there's, there's, you don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just the, this one person's values instill new, and that's it. And if you're lucky that that person is, is, is good and somewhat stable or whatever, great, you're lucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think even worse than that sometimes is when you have small kids and you're a single parent and then you meet a partner and you're bringing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably baggage too, you know, if you've got a couple of kids, you're a single parent, you're in your thirties or whatever, and you've met somebody around the same age as you, chances are they've also come out of some sort of broken relationship, have some kids, have all this baggage and stuff as well, and I don't know, I think it's, I think introducing new people into the mix


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's just necessary. I just had to be there to help. There was certain things that just needed to be done and certain, certain situations that had to be resolved and stuff and it was just nice to have the flexibility to do that but I was fucking dead when I went back to work and I've been dead ever since for the past like six years so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was proving to be quite difficult and man, I got so fucking frustrated. I took the Nintendo controller by the cord, spun it around really quick, like on a short cord, spun it around really quick and then like whacked it on the ground and it smashed open and smashed everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, it was pretty brutal. I had to like try to screw it back together and then it didn't quite work again, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is an optimal way of playing every game, and if you're wondering where to find out more information on how to play games optimally, look no further than Twitch chat, because everybody, everybody there


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This brings back the conversation about chat emotes though too, cause sometimes people say something, and if there's a kappa at the end of it, you know they're just being sarcastic, right? But without it, you're like, holy fuck this fucking guy, I'm gonna ban him!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't necessarily want to lose, but I like creating a shitstorm if I can. You know, I like creating a situation that seems almost impossible to get out of, because it does make for a good story, but it just makes for a fun time playing the game too, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I played a game of CK2 one time and I was sardinia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I held on to it and I was just, the whole game I was just like, yeah, we're just gonna keep Sardinia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're going to see what happens around the rest of the world, but we're just going to hold on to Sardinia. This is going to be our stronghold sort of thing. We'll build it up and stuff. And I wasn't too worried about what was going to happen the rest of the game. I just wanted to hang on to Sardinia. And then over the course of the rest of the game, I end up inheriting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burgundy. So I have to run all of Burgundy as well and then Sardinia gets invaded so I had to take it back and it just, when you set out with like a very small goal,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just the, the rest of the game can open up sometimes and, you know, take you to places you never thought you were going to go in that playthrough of the game. And I just think that that's exciting and it's a fun, fun way of doing things. Like I usually have small, dumb goals that I like to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the Simpsons as well. Make sure you watch brand new episodes on Fox.com forward slash Simpsons dot HTML.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I told you that doing Go instead of Mark actually depleted me of energy. So like it's a positive for you, but it's a negative for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice, I went to, uhm, Windsor, Ontario. Oh, lovely, yeaah. No, Windsor, outside of London. Yeaah. The Windsor. The real Windsor. Is that where Legoland is? Did you go to Legoland? Yeaah, we went to Legoland. We went to Windsor Castle, we went to Legoland, we went to like this like miniature railway village thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was good. It was, it was, it was a very, like all of our, all of our vacations are like for, for the kids, right? So it's not really, you come back more tired than when you went. Like you need to, you almost need like a separate vacation to recover from the vacation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever have to go on the M3 at any point? Because holy shit that motorway is a nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, the weather was not great. It was really cold. It was like, it was not sunny and stuff. And I mean, that's, that's always gonna sort of not, not be a good thing when you go to a theme park, right? You really want the weather to be nice. But it's good for small kids. It's, it's really geared up to small kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While I was away, I think I found like where, where Sips fans come from because holy crap, like people, Windsor, I, I think I was recognized like 20 times. It was insane. I couldn't believe it. It was just like, like everywhere I went, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, they want to see Harry and Meghan get hitched. You know, they want to, they want to gate crash. They want to get in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, yeaah. It was, no, it was really surprising, like normally I go places and, you know, I'm just, nobody, nobody knows who I am and stuff and that's, that's fine, you know, like it's, it's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's nice to bump into people who recognize you as well, but I just couldn't believe how many of them there were. It was nuts. I guess, I guess like most Sips fans live in, in, in Windsor, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last time we did a Triforce podcast, we talked about homeless people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were just tearing the page out, getting ready to crumple it up and then all of a sudden you feel a hand on your wrist stopping you at the last minute and you look up and it was Prince Harry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you go on family vacations with kids though, you end up going to some pretty weird places, right? Like you never, you never like go anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super duper exciting. You always end up going to places where there's gonna be stuff for kids to do and they always seem to be around like crappy small towns or in the middle of nowhere somehow or whatever. But when you go on vacation with like your wife and you don't have kids or with your girlfriend, you always end up going somewhere kinda cool, right? Like, like, like traditionally,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exciting place to go to, like, you go to like Egypt or like, I dunno, South America or something like that. You never go to those places with kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one is thing apparently came from Queen Victoria. She was the first queen to ever use that, that, that sort of term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, apparently came from Queen Victoria, but like, I think she got it from someone else, but she popularized the whole sort of like the royal-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the royal one, you know, like one, one is not amused. One, one is a bit, a bit randy. A bit peeved. One is feeling a bit...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They always do that with the super rich, don't they? They always try to like, they always try to come up with something that like the poor can relate to. They'll be like, aww, they just sit around and do nothing all day with all their money. But that's exactly what I remember doing at Christmas. They just sit around and eat canned turkey and play on the weed at Christmas just like we do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a YouTube strip, my friend. That's what happens. Because they can't show off any of the goods, right? Like they'll just get the video be flagged or removed straight away. So what's the point in clicking onto the first place? Stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like YouTube views and stuff, there's always been controversy around like view bots and stuff as well. I don't think that it's as big as anyone says it is. I don't believe it for a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bye, stop calling me at home. Man, I think if I had to advertise anything, I would do it like the, like, you know like how they did in the 80s when they were advertising like, kids, don't climb into a fridge in the dump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These fridges are unsafe and you will die. Like, like, like, and you have that, you see the background, it's like, blehhhhhh. I think everything should be advertised like that. Like even a toothbrush. Right. Your teeth are all mangled and moldy and they look like shit. It's time to give them a good brush or you'll die. Blehhhhhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I mean, the thing is, like, when you try to think of ways to advertise products, like, holy shit, I mean, fuck man, I don't wanna sell a toothbrush. So like, you gotta find a way that is fun, is fun for you to do it. And I think scaring people is fun, so that's the route I would take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I guess we could advertise vape juices, but, do you actually want to advertise vape juices? Like, I don't really, like, I don't really want to advertise anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's definitely degrees of selling out, isn't there? Like if I do a sponsored thing, like I wanna make sure that what I'm sponsoring is something that I like and I can wholeheartedly recommend and not ever sort of like second guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's how it all works though, like, you know, like when, when David Beckham is, is promoting Gillette or like Ronaldo is promoting Pepsi or whatever, you know, like they just get them in their faces. They know that they're going to attract like audiences.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the, I think the thing with us is that not, we don't script anything. And I, you know, I think with, when, when people do like a big, you know, like when we did this brand deal recently, like, I'll try not to like talk about too much because I don't know how much we're allowed to say or whatever, but like the people that we were working with,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their side was very, very scripted, wasn't it? Like they were reading off scripts, they had almost like storyboards for everything that they were gonna do and stuff, and I think a lot of that stuff was pre-approved so they wouldn't run into these problems where it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think they mind that sort of thing. Blizzard don't tend to sort of do those kind of deals, but like other companies do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they'll, they'll just say like, you just need to make three videos promoting this new game, just play, play through it, like for how long you would play in a normal video or whatever, just do your thing. And that's enough. And they're, and they're happy with that because they know that they're, they're reaching your audience that way, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and it's on your platform and these people might be people that have never heard of them before and never played their games before and all of a sudden they've got new interests and they've got new sales or whatever. And that, that works. Those, those are like, those are pretty good ones to do. But like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, you don't, you don't ever want to turn stuff down if you like it because not only are you doing something around something you like, but it opens up doors for further opportunities too, right? Like especially if you do like a good job or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want me to do the intro? Hey, what's up everybody?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you guys have been playing it for a long time, so it would be a bit like, if Dota stopped being popular, I'd still play the shit out of Dota, like I've been playing it a lot lately. So it's not like the popularity, I mean, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that game. I used to play that for hours and hours and hours. When I was at university is when that came out pretty much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, it came out in 1994, so it was out, but that was, I was at university in 1995.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was re-released in 1995 and I didn't have a computer until then. I had got a computer at university for work and stuff and obviously I just played football manager or championship manager as it was back then.


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[Assistant] Yeah, today actually they've got, it's World Book Day, as Sips reminded me when we started, which is great.


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[Assistant] They were fairly famously books, weren't they? The Harry Potter books. Anyway. So, from my daughter's school, they didn't


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[Assistant] They just wear pajamas all day in school, which I think is hilarious. Yeah, that's pretty good. We used to do that at school.


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[Assistant] I've seen Battlefield Earth, which is one of the best bad movies ever made. It's total garbage. It is so amazing. I could watch that movie everyday and enjoy it.


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[Assistant] To me, it's absolutely fascinating that it's stuck around. I kind of thought it would peter out by now, but it goes to show what Americans with money and a lot of lawyers are capable of. They're capable of an awful lot. So well done. Well done America. Well done. You created Scientology and it's sticking around.


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[Assistant] And you managed to make a movie so bad, that I love it, I love it. The bit where he shoots the cow's legs off with his gun is just magical. His weird accent that he puts on, a man-animal, giving orders to a cyclo, ha ha ha ha ha, that'll be the day.


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[Assistant] I don't, I honestly don't mind, uhm, if it's early, early alpha. Like, I mean, most of the games I play now are early alpha. Like, when we were talking about Oxygen not included, this is, it's pretty, it's really early build.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the ones that are doing something interesting, and I know people have a problem with the whole early access thing, and I definitely have an issue with games that stay in early access for five years, which is ridiculous, but I get it. Like, they want to try something a bit out there. There's too much of a gamble to just make this game complete it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And release it. It's a huge, I mean, nowadays games are so complicated and people expect so much, just like, like Lewis was saying, with colonization.


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[Assistant] The simplicity of that game compared to, if that game came out now, people would say this is, it's fun, but it's really simplistic. I mean, it's got a lot of nostalgia for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when you have a game like, for instance, Oxygen Not Included, which is quite a complicated game already, like there's quite a lot to think about and you've got to worry about gas pressure and temperature and all this kind of stuff. And as you play the game, you start to realize there's actually quite a bit of depth and you start planning ahead and thinking, okay, how am I going to get that slime?


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[Assistant] From there to here and I haven't got the space to have.


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[Assistant] A special room for this, like I've now come across so many awful things that have happened to my colonies that I still have to plan ahead, you know?


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. It's a little tile-based, sort of hex-based, um, you sort of, you have a little mercenary band and you stroll around having fights. The fights are quite brutal and quite vicious and it's quite a sort of tactical game and you've got to, you know, move your guys right and you've got to manage your weaponry and stuff like that and they get levels and skills. That's, that's a fun little game. I'm buying it. And that, that was it. It's great. We'll do it one show. It's really fun. It's very hard, but it's great. Uh, Death, Death Road to Canada. Have you played that?


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[Assistant] Let's not forget Rimworld. There's an example for your ass. All right. That's a game. It's a very small dev team and the guy's able to do it.


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[Assistant] And people love it, and he's very interactive with the community and stuff, and I really like that. Now I think if he'd gone away...


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[Assistant] I mean, a responsive dev team is people's wet dream when it comes to games, because in the olden days, there was no fucking response from the dev team. If the game sold, that was it. You could complain until you're blue in the face and nobody gave a shit. It's like, nope, this is the decision we've made, that's it.


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[Assistant] Hold on, this is a car, Lewis. This is a family car, this is a dad's car.


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[Assistant] Hell yeaah. You know what, if you're gonna get a brand new car, let me just tell you, you can get a Mercedes-Benz 3.5 litre.


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[Assistant] I reckon, you know, you know the way you have those special batteries for your phone? Yea. That you can whack in and get an extra few hours charge out. There'll be like a little... Briefcase. Yea, a little briefcase that you can just, you pop it in the car and it keeps its charge for ages. You plug it in and it'll get you like 20 miles or something like that.


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[Assistant] I'm not into like the Mercedes and stuff like that. I've always liked Audis. I really like the way they look. But, my favourite car I had was a Saab 9-3, which was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a beautiful car. It wasn't a 93, it was just called a Saab 93. It might have been a 93. But I bought it second hand for like £2,000.


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[Assistant] This thing was so fast. I loved this car. I absolutely loved it. It was beautiful. Air conditioning. At the time it was like CD changer and all the rest of it. And I've never had a car since.


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[Assistant] We've hired like Mercedes and stuff because a lot of the rental places, if you get in a four door car or five door with the boot and everything.


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[Assistant] You know, you get those, one of those bigger ones, they'll, they'll upsell you to a Mercedes or a BMW, you're like, yeah, right, you know, it's a weird holiday, wheeey. So we've got like these nice cars, and the thing is, the windows on them are fucking tiny, they really are. The rear window is like a, a letterbox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I learned in like a Kia Pride, this was back in Plymouth, which was a 0.6 litre engine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally was. And going up the hill, Plymouth is very hilly. And doing hill starts in that was very good practice because you had to floor it in first just to get up the hill sometimes because this engine was so weak. And my driving instructor was quite a big lad, which didn't help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we're driving around Plymouth in this thing, and it was, it was a nightmare, and he was a decent instructor, but it took a lot of lessons, cause he was never happy, he was like, never, never happy with pretty much anything I did. And at one point this guy cut me up, and because I braked, my driving instructor was very angry with me. I was like, what are you angry with me for? The guy cut me up, he goes, oh, they're always gonna do that, you're a learner. I was like, alright, cheers for being on my side, dude, Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, I didn't pass in Plymouth because I stopped taking the lessons because I didn't like the guy. And I realized, what's the point? Like, I'm not gonna, I can't afford a car, I'm broke as fuck. So when I got back to Bournemouth, my dad was like, uhm, he sent me some money from the States. He was like, you gotta learn to drive, you know, you're a man. So I was like, alright. So I took some lessons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cause my, my wife, you know, she could drive and, and I could, so she was like, you know, we, we can't afford a car anyway.


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[Assistant] She was, she was the boot wearer. So I was like, right, fuck it, I'm gonna learn to drive. So I met this lad, he was a real geezer. All we did on the drive, and he's just a young guy, all he did was slag off his ex-wife. I'm not kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once you could do a doughnut, you could do all the other stuff, don't worry about it. But he was good, and I passed, and then we obviously couldn't afford a car, moved up to London, didn't need a car, and then from the 30th birthday, Mrs. F said we should get a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, yeah, let's do it. So she said, I'm going to buy you a car for your birthday. I'm going to give you 200 quid and you go and find a car and I'll pay 200 quid for it. I was like, all right, sweet. So, cause you know, we were pretty broke back then. So 200 quid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I found a car in Q just down the road from, from where we are really. And, uh, it was a 1986 Volkswagen Golf that had been oddly enough owned by a woman that lived on Jersey Sips. And she had sold it to this guy for like 50 quid and he'd driven it back to London to sell it for 200 quid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, all right, whatever. So I went to see it. It had quite a bit of mold on it. It had like hardly any miles on it. Um, because yeah, it had been, he said it's honestly Jersey's very small. It's like this old lady that had the car. She hardly drove it, hence the mold. Uh, but it's a, it's the engine. I don't, but I, I bet you probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was apparently lived in her shed, like, in Jersey for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, honestly I'm sorry, it was a historic piece of jersey and I bought it for 200 quid. So when I went to pick it up, cause I'd never bought a car before or owned a car, so I didn't really know what I was looking for and he was like watching me look around the car and I'm just doing that sort of peeking at things and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the internal stuff. No, the brakes are fine. Unfortunately, like the AC and all that kind of stuff, the defogging, all that doesn't work. One of the windscreen wipers doesn't really work, but it's fine. I was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, just drive it around a bit and you'll charge the battery up. I was like, okay. So off I went and that was my car, but we had it for a couple of years. It was an automatic. It was beautiful. It was a great little car. We went all over the place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so the police literally just turned up and there's a couple of absolute classic police officers, right? They had the little mustache, they had the really long legs, the really long skinny legs and the big burly body with the tummy and everything. They're like classic bobbies, right? I was like, the car's broken down. He's like, all right, we're going to move you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just gonna push you off the road. So just keep it in neutral. Just don't touch the brake. Just steer and we'll push. I was like, okay. And he said, now where do you want to go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, yeaah. It's just like someone's used to skull as the main engine part here. But no, it's just like some coil or something that all the electrics go around. The Jersey Seasaw. The Jersey Seasaw had basically been festering away in there and the immobilizer for the alarm


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the only way I could start the car from then on was to turn the headlights on and then I could start the car because it was all on the same circuit. So if I tried to start it without having the headlights on, the car wouldn't turn on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was quite, it was nice to go and buy tapes. You can get them in charity shops for like 5p. So I bought like Bruce, Bruce Springsteen's Born in the USA. Like that album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had like, yea, I had that album just on repeat. I felt like so old, in this old man's car, old woman's car, driving around with my tape deck blaring. Oh, it was a beautiful drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An acute angle. She must have winged it left at the very last second.


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[Assistant] Cause as I'm turning left, it's my left outside corner that hits her car and it just folds in the whole side of her car.


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[Assistant] So I sort of, it was like holding a stick into a balloon and dragging the balloon along it. That's a terrible image, but I can't, I can't think of another one. But it was just, it just crumpled. And they said it was my fault. And because I was so confused, it was my first attempt, I was like, yeah, I guess it kind of was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, it clearly wasn't thinking back. I was flummoxed. But the other one, a white van went into the back of the car behind me and that bumped into me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was in like a, the woman in the middle, she was in the sandwich, was just in this tiny little car that just completely smooshed. And my car is like a big CRV. And all that happened was the rear tow bar got bent slightly and my rear tire, the cover got scratched. That's it. Cause my car's like a brick compared to hers. So she just went


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she was upset and the driver got out and said, you, you two are right. And I was like, yeah. And he said, Oh, thank God for Kurt for child seats. Hey, looking at the baby. I was like, yeah.


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[Assistant] It's a part 17 Bodega if you want it. Okay, let's do it. Okay, let's do it then. Bodega.


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[Assistant] Part 17. I gave up on the Spanish, by the way. 17-0. Just say 17-0. Part 17-0.


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[Assistant] We're closed, said Jargal Floop, without looking up.


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[Assistant] Something about the persistence made him nervous. Wasn't the feds? They rarely knocked. If it was smugglers or bandits, they would have blasted the doors open by now. Who the flav could be so desperate to drink in a dump like the shit river tavern at quarter past flub in the evening? Bang, bang, bang! Fluke threw down his bar clock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, friendo, you ticked me off now. I don't know what's in your head, but if you're thirsty, you could try the- He froze as he reached the door. Through the glass, you could see him. Bodega.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vodega! shouted Floop, unlocking the doors excitedly. Well, holy mungfish, get on in here!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got company. Hope that's alright, said Bodega, leaning on the doorframe and tapping the dust from his shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bo-dega, said Floop, smiling. He glassed past Bodega, and saw a comically bemuscled man, clad in a yellow jumpsuit, sporting a ridiculous red cape. Sure, sure, get in here. Double the customers. Heh heh. That's fine by Floop. Oh, uh, after your last visit, we kinda had a refurb. Changed the place up a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not tonight. Got business, said Bodega, pointing at the freak in the jumpsuit. And, uh, bring us a couple of ales, whatever you got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They sat down at a table deep in a recess at the back of the room. Clearly their conversation wasn't for Floop's ears. He dropped the drinks off at their table and returned to the bar. Reaching beneath the counter, he tapped the small bugging control panel concealed there and inserted a tiny earbud into his left ear. Floop smiled sadly and whispered to himself,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, Pod. Business is bad, and information about you carries a hefty price tag. He listened in. There's a flower of RV!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just an old place I know, off the beaten track. Tan, this pains me deeply, but we gotta talk. Yea, I know, I flaved up. Believe me, losing Majesta, about that. Majesta's one of the most powerful psychic entities I know, and I know a few. She sure as hell ain't getting kidnapped by a bunch of space pirates like you said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't just Space Pirates. It was Krem Slumdump. There was a long pause. Floop was worried he'd lost the signal for a moment, but they carried on talking. Krem Slumdump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Creme Slumdump? The self-appointed president of the universe, thought Floop? If the feds were after Bodega and this tan fella, there might even be a big fat reward. He could turn this place around. Maybe even get a new place somewhere not in the middle of a desert. Get his beloved Spelupians back. He hadn't seen a good pair of titties in 17 rotations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Floop could hear Bodega's laughter even without the bugging device. Does she know all about the shit you pulled back on? Wait a minute. She's psychic. Of course she knows. So what the flarv, man? I just don't understand women.


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[Assistant] First, we ain't friends. Second, Majesta don't need our help. If she wanted, she could just dematerialize right on out there or something.


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[Assistant] Kind of left this crem without even putting up a fight or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She still has my child. She's still my wife. I want you to team up with me. We can let bygones be bygones. Put those old troubles behind us. All we need is to put our heads together and figure out a way to get Majesta back. Bloop saw Bodega leave the booth he and Tan had been seated at before turning back to berate the yellow jumpsuited goon


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tan leapt out of the booth chasing after him, grabbed Bodega's shoulder, and the long lean desperado turned, lasgun in hand, and held the barrel beneath Tan's chin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa, easy, my friend, said Tan gently. Hey, uh, watch the gunplay, folks, huh, said Floop. Shut up, Floop, said Bodega, before looking Tan square in his beady eyes. I loved her, Tan. If she ever needs my help, she'll get it. But you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ain't nothing you could say could change my mind. So save your breath, spat bodega. One billion squirrels, said Tan. Bodega said nothing for a very long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh hi Mark, how are you? Oh and good, how's the stapler factory going? Oh well, Pam stapled her face to, uh, the staple machine last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that. Oh yeaah, yeaah, she's got, just, just her eyelids are just staked with shut now. It's just a disaster. Poor Pam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so make sure you go to patreon.com forward slash, what is it? Um, Triforce podcast and there's all sorts of really exciting tiers. Like you can buy weeds for my tortoise that you don't even need to buy. You can just literally pick them from the side of the road, but I'll pretend that I buy them anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which leads us perfectly into something I want to mention, something new that's happened to me in my life recently. Guess what I got, guys? Prison sentence. No, I got an 800ml jug to hold water in, so I can make sure that I'm at least drinking.


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[Assistant] A bit of water a day. It's like one of those, uhm, reusable things, you know, like, uh, it's not like a crappy water bottle. It's like one of those ones that you see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People using it at the gym or whatever. I'm of course never gonna use it at a gym, but uhm, my garage is my gym. It's like a mental.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was not drinking water, and honestly, sometimes like, uh, my piss was like, sludge. Like, it was like, just barely coming out, I was so dehydrated, so. God damn. It should, it should be like, almost, almost completely clear. I'm not into New Year's resolutions, but I just thought, you know what, I just need to start drinking some more water, because I'm gonna die, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, yeaah, you could have the, uh, the diabetes if you're feeling like you need to pee all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think like the big one for that is like, you do a real big piss, like a racehorse. Have you ever seen one of those things piss where it's like a waterfall coming out of their dick? Speaking of piss, uh, I went to my Nana this weekend. If you do one of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you do one of those gigantic waterfall pisses, finish up and you feel like you need to go again almost right after, go get checked because you might have the diabetes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, uh, the other day somebody was like, you should do a vlog. And I, it's crazy because all we do all day is talk to people on the internet, right? So like, all of my stories are exhausted, all of my, everything, unless I've done something really exciting,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That day, I got nothing new to say. Like it's, I've said it all. Like it's like 8 to 12 hours a day constantly of talking. Like you're gonna cover everything, right? Oh god. So it's like- Yeah, no, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, I don't think we're going insane. I think that it's just, you know, you can't like, it's like a stand-up comedian. You can't go out with like new material every single day. Like it takes a long time, you know, like to develop all this new material.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't on at the time though, that's why they were like craving updates. They wanted to make sure I was okay and they wanted to, you know, they wanted to know what I was doing and stuff. They haven't seen him for like half an hour. Yeah, they hadn't seen me for like half an hour. They were pining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People's like a little insight into their lives and stuff is awesome. So thanks very much. This one guy sent a thing and he's like, I'm on a ScotRail train and it fucking sucks right now, but this is where I'm listening to like the Triforce podcast and then ScotRail tweet back and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The stewardess or the steward or the stewardess, whichever comes in, comes in and gives you a drink and you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went on a sleeper train one time, uhm, but we crossed, uh, borders on it. So like, I think we...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We took a train from like, uh, I think it was like Barcelona to Vienna or something like that. It was, it was a long one, but it was like, it was by design, right? We got on the train at like 6 PM and we wanted to just like sleep for 12 hours and then wake up in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Vienna, however long it took, I can't remember, it was a long time ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, it was, it was a real pain shitting moment though. And you were like, what the fuck is this noise? No, no, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're traveling on a train and you're backpacking around and stuff. And you know, you've got your passport and your money and shit and you're keeping it safe and you're keeping it secret, just like Gandalf told you to. Yeah. Keep it secret. Keep it safe. Yeah. You get onto the train, right? And, uh, because it crossed so many borders and you ended up in a different country when it was done, uh, right before we were going to bed,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some dude comes into our cabin, I was like, it was a pretty nice, it was okay, you know, like it's a train, for fuck's sake, so it's not gonna be like that great, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just like getting, getting ourselves ready to go to sleep and stuff and like having a, having a joke and a couple of goofs and gaffs and stuff and then, you know, gonna go to sleep and this guy comes in like the, you know, he's wearing a uniform and stuff and he's like, passports please. We're like, oh, okay, sure. So like we, we give him our, our passports and then he just fucking walks away. We're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fuck is this guy taking our passports for? Like we're screwed. Like this guy, I think we've just been robbed by a guy wearing a fake uniform. He's taking our passports and now, now we're fucking screwed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude comes in, just gives us our passports back, and he's like, thank you. And we're like, oh, yeah, no problem. Okay, thanks. And then we weren't, we weren't being people trafficked after all. So that was the end of the story. But yeah, pretty scary stuff. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, so just in case anybody ever takes your passport on a train where you're going across like multiple borders, I think it's because they want to let you sleep while they give your passport to the border control and it's actually really nice of them because I slept like a fucking baby that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I Jaff Janna Juckle. Yeah, that's the point. I Jaff Janna Chuckle as well from time to time, but you don't see me bragging about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been on some nice sleeper trains, like I did a whole backpacking trip in the year 2000 it was. I did a whole backpacking trip around Europe and some were very bad, don't get me wrong. Some were terrible and I don't even want to really think about them ever again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But man, some of them were super fucking nice, like really luxurious and we didn't really pay that much for them. I think we might have gotten bumped up randomly a couple of times because we, it was just a volume thing, right? Like every night we were on a sleeper train sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, in the end, the first couple of nights no I did not. And then I just got so tired that I just started sleeping everywhere. So like, sleeper train included.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think that's the thing, like if you go on a sleeper train, if you come out of just like having nice, perfect rest at home, and then bam, you're on a sleeper train, yeaah, you're not going to sleep, like they're not, they're not great, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, yea, but I mean we just like, we were gonna stay in, we were gonna stay in like hostels and hotels and stuff and in the end we were just like, some of these places were so dumpy and stuff, we were just like, fuck like, why are we staying in these dumb places when we can just fucking,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always in a car's backseat of a car. I can drive a car and not get sick, but if I'm sitting like in the backseat of a car, uh, reading a book or something, I'll be sick for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went into, I went into a shoe store. I was on, we were in Seattle. We were in Seattle for, uh, for that. When we went to Seval, remember in Seattle, I went into a shoe store cause I, my shoes were falling apart. So I was like, ah, I really need to get some new shoes. I'll get some while I'm here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, how can I help you today? Oh, are you looking for shoes? All this crap. And I was like, oh, you know what? You know, like, listen, fucking listen to me. All right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want a sales pitch on what shoes are cool and stuff. I'm gonna get the wrong ones anyway. Just leave me to get these shoes and let me get out of here quickly. Yeah. But no. Oh man, it was so drawn out and like asking about how your day has been and like why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you here and stuff? And it's just like, ah, for fuck sakes, don't bot, just save your breath. Like, Jesus, like, where-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not going to become soul mates at the end of this purchase. Like it's, you know, there's no, what's the point? I don't even find it nice. I just, it's, it's annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not some sort of tactical genius. Like I was, you know, I was really of the mind of spending money on a pair of shoes. Like, you know, like the sale is done. Just leave me alone. Christ. They should have like a opt in out opt out button or something that flags you so that they leave you alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I'm, you know what, I'm just imagining a wedding with all the people from the office in attendance and uhm, god damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's, let's, let's do something that we wouldn't normally do, okay guys? Let's do something you wouldn't normally do, okay? Okay. Listen to this, alright? Let's pretend for a minute none of us are married, okay? We've just met the girl of our dreams and we're gonna get married and we can invite anyone we want to to the wedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who would be your best man? Who would be your maid of honor? And who would you invite to the wedding? You can invite anyone. Go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good idea, yeaah. For me it would just be Prince. I would have, uhm, Prince would be my best man, Prince would be my maid of honor, and when Prince turned out, he would be my only guest as well, and then when Prince turned up to the wedding, he'd be like, where's the lovely bride? And I'd look at Prince and I would say, it's you, Prince. It's you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got me. Yeah, that's right. That was really well orchestrated. Yeah. It would be like an ambush sort of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think Prince would turn up, uh, like, uh, pre-cocked in that sense. He's always wearing those frilly jackets. Dressed in like a white triangle with like gold trimming. Yeah, like Revolutionary War general outfit or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were talking about this yesterday and then, so all the music would have to be remastered to, to sound like twangy porn music as well, right? Like, you know, like the, but it'd have to be like, like pornified, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So all the music would have to be changed as well. I was having this conversation with Ravs just yesterday. It was a similar conversation about a porn themed wedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could do the whole thing. You could do, like, the teacher with the Geordie accent. You could do, like, the Indian train driver. Like, you could do all of them. How does Pat speak? Uh, just like, just kind of, um, I don't know. He sounds like he's from, like, the south of England somewhere. Like, he doesn't sound-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pardon me wonders though, what, what, what you would have to do. Like I don't expect to just be straight up invited, but like what, what do you have to do to get on that? Like do you have to apply? Do you have to know somebody? Do you have to be married to the right person? Like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shout out to Costa Coffee, best coffee in town. If you're looking for a nice pick me up on your way to work. Holy shit, this reminds me actually, there's some advertising over here that is very questionable. I'm not sure if there's like a regulate, a regulatory body that controls like what, how you can advertise or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were shocked. We were walking by this place. It's like, uh, it's, it's, uh, it's, it's not a, it's not a pub. It's like a bar, but they serve food and stuff there too. It's like just a very casual, like after worky sort of place. And on the side of the building, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just seems like really irresponsible. I mean, I get that they wanna sell spirits and make money or whatever, but fuck me, like, I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's nuts, I don't know, like. Guess who that was at the door, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need a jingle for this. We need like, uh, if we have a Patreon now, our production quality has to go up a bit. Like, we need a jingle for this. Like, uh, you know, like on TV shows where they're like, who's at the door? Who's at the door?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, do you guys not have, like, the, uhm, there's a system over here where, like, uhm, you could have a barcode, like, just outside of your house or, like, in your porch or whatever and, uhm, you don't need to sign for stuff. They'll just leave it in your porch and scan the barcode and they never need to bug you. Like, you guys don't have that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get a porch nerd. Get back to me when you're at my level when you have a porch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apparently, we shouldn't call it global warming. We should call it climate change. Climate change. Yeah, that's a more effective descriptor. Right. But it's minus three in Twickenham. Yeah. I mean, it's not unusual. I know that in North America at the moment, this week, they're freezing their asses off. It's minus 28 in Chicago last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You fly down the west sort of, when you fly to LA from London, for a start it's only nine and a bit hours flight, because they go basically so far north that they skip a lot of, uh, of, of, you know, previously they flew straight over the Atlantic, it took forever, but they go, they fly much further north than they used to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's, it's cold as flip and when you look out you can see


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just snow forever and glaciers and all the rest of it. And it's actually a depressing hellscape. Uhm, and flying in, I was flying over D'Arvic and all the roads are just like super straight lines because, you know, there's nothing around it. You just go in a straight line. Why wouldn't you make your road super straight? And uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I mean the entire area. Like you're flying in, there's nothing. There's no feature, there's nothing. It's like you've been dropped on an alien planet and been told, mind the unobtainium for us. Like that's literally what it looks like. And yeah, it just looked hellish. Oh for fuck's sake, hold on. Is that the house phone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, there's no one else I use the house phone for. Like, if it rings, it's gonna be one of two people. Mrs. F, and she knows that I always have my phone on silent, uh, so she calls the house phone to say she's on her way home from work. Or my mum. That- that's- that's the entirety of the people that use my house phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is that? Yeaah. If it's not one of those two people, uh, my mom, my dad, or Mrs. F, then it's definitely going to be spam. And I had a guy yesterday


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Research Consumer Index Institute, and I'm like, okay, so this is some fucking survey, please never call me again, and I hang up. But then they'll, they'll call, they've obviously got me on a list, call this guy every fucking day for a week, and break his spirit. That's pretty much what they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tend to give him a little, a little, um, pep talk. Like, uh, there was this girl that was calling me pretty much every day about a car accident I'd had in the last three years. And I said, could you narrow it down? Cause I get in a lot of them. So let me know which of the ones in the last three years it was so we can carry on. She just sort of sighed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Geez, I've gotta go in and rip people off, or does it eventually just become normal? Like, jugging's in prison, is it just one of those things, you know, you just jug people because that's what everyone else is doing around you. I see, you just have to let it happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I worry about, about boiling water when I'm cooking, like if I cook the kids some pasta, and I'm carrying the pan from the oven, it's the other side of the kitchen to the sink, and they're always playing in the fucking kitchen when I'm cooking for some reason, like they come in there, I start cooking, and the first thing they do is get the nearest chair to the oven and start doing something, and I'm like why do you always do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god. I always say like, nobody move! Pan of hot water coming through! And they immediately start scampering for cover. And I'm like, don't move means freeze, like don't move. Oh, like I have to explain when I say freeze, that I mean, stop what you're doing and don't move. Cause I'm coming through with a pan of water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not reckless with boiling water, I don't want this reputex


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I've got a big, a big gob spat out of some sausages one time onto my hand, and that fucking hurt. And I'm thinking, you know in the movies when they pour boiling oil on the soldiers that are attempting to siege the castle, and they just go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, I, I didn't train, uh, you know, for, for years in, in making, in the making of siege engines and weaponry to be a shit shoveler, but that's where I find myself now. It would be, it would be like, the history degree of its day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the rules were so fucking strict. You couldn't be anything other than...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfectly normal. Like if you were even slightly different, they're probably gonna burn you at the stake. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone thinks you're a fucking, uh, witch, the kill you, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They coat a rock in pitch and tar and set it on fire and chuck it in there hoping to start a blaze. That lands on top of, uh, the barn. That barn's going up. That's going up in flames. I bet owning a fire would have been a fucking nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's basically, this is the plot of that book, is that the elderly sign up for the military, but they're given a young body, so they sort of clone them and insert them into this completely unbelievably genetically engineered perfect body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're just like all fucking each other like crazy. I thought that was kind of funny. But it's a good book. It's a good book. Well worth a read.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom does that so much. I try not to do it myself, but she does that all the time. She'll start telling me a story. Do you remember? This reminds me of the time, and I was like, oh god, here we go. And it'll be the same fucking story, and me and Mrs. F. just look at each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's just funny. It's weird. And the worst thing is if, uh, she's got a lot of go-to stories that she tells. So, she's got like trigger words, and if the trigger word is sounded, the story's coming, and you know which one it's gonna be. Yeah, right. So, I'm just, like if we have a dinner and there's other people, especially people she hasn't met before,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I was at a friend's house for Sunday lunch, uh, this was years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they had a friend staying, I think he was like, he might have been there, an uncle or something like that, but anyway, he was like the same age as my mate's dad. Who at the time was probably not much older than I am now, but seemed old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever they got together for dinner, it was some story about him being in the army and it was like a series of very slight mishaps, like he had his gun the wrong way around or his hat and he marched a bit silly and everything. And it was a very straightforward, not particularly funny story, but it was obviously his


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm telling you, we, it was, no one was drunk. Like it was, it was middle of the day. I was like 19, and my mate was 18, so I don't think we were drinking anyway, really. So, he was just, like, the worst thing was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone laughing, tears running down their face, and looking at me, like expecting me to do the same, and also like just trying to smile politely and nod.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A gig. A gig. A band called This Is The Kit. They are from Bristol, I believe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and uh, well they're based in Bristol, and they're, they're excellent. They're very, very good. It's kind of, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not just the sort of three people on a stage with their fingers in their ear harmonizing and singing about, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they have electric guitars and they play them and I'm thinking that would have been, like this whole crowd of people that probably love folk, if you took them back 40 years, the idea of an electric guitar being there would have been the end of the fucking world, like the Bob Dylan goes, you know, Dylan goes electric.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get a, you get a bunch of guys lined up on a stage. They, they have to get a boner, right? Which is, which is phase one. So the guys who can get a boner on stage in front of a bunch of people, they can't touch anything, just have to get a boner. And then, you start showing them. Do they have uhm, like pants on though? No, no, no. Everyone can see the boner. Or, or, if it's gonna be on TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, one problem I have is obviously, it could be a con. We don't see the dicks in the boxes, so there would be like behind the scenes, they'd cut to a live webcam inside, like a GoPro inside each box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I was watching a Japanese game show the other day where they got Japanese girls who didn't speak English to have to read English words for the phone to auto-detect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the voice recognition, they'd have to say a word like bread or, you know, flag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it would show the word that it thought they'd said. And they were all killing themselves laughing. They thought it was absolutely hilarious. Because none of them could do it, apart from this one girl who would put on a very strong American accent and try and say the word. And she was nailing it, to be fair to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was like damn, like loads of people are watching this and they have that thing in Japan where they'll have people watching and they'll cut to like a little face cam of that person laughing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And they're always like crying laughing. And they'll be like all emojis around it and stuff like that and cut to someone else. They must have a lot of celebrities in Japan. Cause there's no shortage of them to wheel out onto these shows. They all do the same thing. They all laugh hysterically. They're all kind of bumbling and incompetent. It's the same everywhere though. I guess so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they just get them on. Like, if you've been on 8 out of 10 Cats or whatever the countdown rip-off one is with Jimmy Carr, all those guys are on all the other panel shows as well. They all just go round and around and around. They don't even do live comedy anymore. They just fucking do this. Just panel life. You can pay the fortune.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the, uh, the German cleaners, those two weird guys that were always naked and they'd go and clean your house and stuff. They're like real creepy. Hands and frowns or whatever. Ah, maybe they'll clean your house for you. How is that woman that they always have-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello everyone and welcome back to the Triforce Podcast with me, Lewis, also Zips. Hi. Zips. Hi. And, Pirian Flax. Hello. Pirian Flax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is an extensively epic AAA game with a really good story, and I think everyone that I've spoken to has really had a good time, but I think for me, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The single player experience is a different experience, right? And it's, it's obviously Red Dead Online is going to come out in a couple of weeks and I'm sure at that point, you know, I'm going to get into it. I never even played the GTA V single player story really beyond the tutorial first few missions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I just, I just never got around to it. I just, I, I, I just like playing multiplayer games for some reason. I like being social and to do stuff and it's, it's, you know, but then again, I played Fallout 76 as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I wanted to do that as a solo experience. I mean, it's weird. My experiences this week with those two games are a little bit the polar opposite of what people are saying that I really enjoyed Fallout 76 and I really, but I think, I think I just want to play Fallout again. I just want to play New Vegas and Fallout 3 and Fallout 4.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't think it's like particularly like, it's not server based in the sense that there's hundreds of people on the same thing. It's, it's, there's 10 to 15 people on the same, it's like GTA levels for PvP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's part of it. I think that when you strip the single player experience down, what you end up with is the danger that we had. I was talking to Tom about this a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you keep a story which is linear and blocking and, and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like everyone has to do a bit of reading. Uhm, it's not going to work. I think that stuff is still in there. There's lots of holotapes you can listen to. Right. Uhm, and you'll be like shut up to your friends while you're trying to listen to them, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's lots of like, there's like a console that you could sit down at and read through a load of story about what happened and, you know, we'd like, shut up, I'm trying to read, or protect me from these zombies attacking me on this computer while I read this sad


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I think you find like a fucking warehouse that's infested by ghouls and you fucking well go there and it's got loads of ghouls and you kill them all and then more attack and then loads of other things attack and then it says


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I think once you've claimed it, you get access to the workshop which gives you a load of resources that you can use to build with. You get loads of credits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I'm actually fairly excited about it. Anyway, let's talk about, it was Halloween this week, right? Oh, yeah. Well, it was Halloween last night, actually. Yeah, last night. And I mean, I've got such a boring life. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This counts, okay, because, because it's part of the story, so it counts, right? Uhm, and I was coming home about nine o'clock, so it's dark, it's fucking freezing. Right. And I walked past this place, uhm, that looks like it's just sort of open, but I hadn't seen it probably, it might have been open for years, I don't fucking know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's called Just Chips. Right? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's freezing cold. So like, like freezing, freezing cold. Now, of course, I haven't bothered to prepare for winter at all. I'm still wearing like my really thin, trendy fucking white fabric shoes. My feet are fucking freezing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I've, I've, I'm wearing my like leather jacket, you know, my cool one, which is Italian, so therefore does not protect you from the cold at all. I'm fucking freezing my dick off right in this place. Right. And I walked into the shop partly because I thought, oh, I'll warm up in here. And of course, because the door's wide open. Like a trap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, I thought if it's just chips, they've always got chips on the go, right? It's gonna be really quick. I'm just gonna be popping there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the, they both think that they've just finished their day job on a building site and they've come and worked in here, right? Maybe working and making just chips all the day causes hot chip fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, I, I, I say, you know, can I have some chips? Uhm, and of course they're like, yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't say please, you just said, give me some chips. Well no, I said please. Probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I wouldn't normally do, okay, but cold, right? I'm like moving foot to foot. I've sort of, I don't know where my phone is because my hands are so cold, so I'm like, I'm in one of these situations now where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, either am bored, okay, I'm, I'm wondering why, well I haven't got my phone, so I'll just have to sit there and look at, I don't know, nothing. Right? And anyway, and so the guy fucking leans over and presses like a button, like he's forgotten to turn the, uh, the fries on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he was in like mid-speel with his mate, but because he saw me lead over he thought I might be a new kind of customer, but I think he obviously realised at that point, oh fuck I forgot to turn the fryer on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking stood there for like another like couple of minutes and then there's, you know, and then, and then he gets some fucking frozen chips out of a freezer. I'm like, fuck me. Like, I've already been here like 10 minutes. Well, that's what I thought in my head. I like, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on. You know, I suppose it is like nine o'clock. Maybe, maybe they were expecting there to be no one else coming in at this. You were the only person in there anymore. I don't know what time just chips closes, right? But I assume people want chips 24 seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, like, how long did the chips, uh, sit, sit bad in the, I mean, obviously once you fried them, you've got, you've got to get them back out quite quick, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one's coming in. No one's coming in to just chips. No one wants it. No one else wants chips. This is why. And like 10 minutes go by, it feels like 10 minutes because those chips, I'm fucking looking at them and they look like they're done. How long does it take to fry some fucking chips?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what? I reckon that in this world of YouTube and Twitch and pranks and all that shit, like, there's a good fucking chance you are someone, some, some assholes probably put you on a YouTube channel somewhere and you don't even fucking know. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know whether it was just a reasonable amount of time or because of the cold weather and the expectation of quick chips and the expectation that because they do just chips you would assume that chips would be available quickly. I didn't expect though, I don't know how long I was there probably, it can't be more than 20 minutes really but it felt like about an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The classic sort of, the classic sort of fucking thing they do is they put the, so in this place they put the sauce on for you, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They gave me the chips in a cone, uhm, and normally you'd get like, I dunno, like a little fork or something, right? Because it's obviously, it's obviously chips to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when he handed over the cone with all the ketchup on, I sort of took it, I was like, oh thanks. I looked at him, I looked around the bar as if like saying is there a wooden fork with my eyes, and then looked him in the eye, he looked me in the eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I walk out of the fucking chip shop and I'm thinking to myself like, I want one of these now, but I don't want to get my fingers covered in tomato ketchup. I'm also thinking,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I get my fingers covered in tomato ketchup, I'm gonna have to lick my fingers. And first of all, chips covered in tomato ketchup are no good, right? They're very sickly sweet. I kind of want to have like a low level, not a lot, but like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not swamped, okay? No one wants to just eat fucking tomato ketchup. So I'm thinking, I'm gonna have to crack this layer of chips somehow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm like, I'm just thinking, at this point, I'm thinking, first of all, I don't really want to lick my dirty fingers, I've been sat in this fucking dirty place, I've been like, handling my phone, and you know what it's like, people always say, oh your phones are gross, and also I've been handling my keys in my pocket, I just feel really dirty now, and I want to like, wash my hands before I start eating chips with bare hands, that's all, I want to be clean, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm thinking all this while I'm walking down the street. And in front of me, in the street, is uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A dad. Oh come on, you didn't even do the dress up with the girls, come on! No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also because you're used to seeing like it being, when it's dark, no one's really out, but it's cause it's dark and early. Normally in summer, there'd still be people out walking around at five or six.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the other, the other thing, like the reason you sort of know your neighbours is, is because it's supposed to be this sort of interview scenario, like you, where you're like, you know, you want to meet them in order to find out whether they're going to rob your house or whether they're nice enough people that you can leave your key with. Do you know what I mean? In case you get locked out or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what were your trick or treat like bowl of treats? Did you have like a load of sweets and stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been struggling, we've been struggling, I mean, me and Sips get along great, like, you know, we have a laugh whenever we meet up, I always enjoy his company, but unfortunately, we have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just, there just isn't one at the moment that we're both into. Cause we're both, I think, the kind of people that are gonna be like, nah. You know what I mean? Like, we could just suck it up. I could just play Apex Legends and just, just deal with it. But I just don't enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, what you were saying about the division, couldn't they just have a scaling in where if you're gonna level with party with someone lower level than you, it says everything's gonna be scaled back by a certain amount as if you had level 2 gear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's not- I go back to Witcher 3 a lot. XCOM 2 was amazing. Witcher 3 was amazing. I mean, those are two of my favorite games of all time. I've been pretty disappointed with Civ games over the last few years when they've come out. I've really enjoyed Hearts of Iron, I've put a lot of time into that. Crusader Kings, when I can be bothered with it, is fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I- Squad is a game I really enjoy when I play that, but the problem is getting onto a good server with all my buddies is kinda tricky, it's a bit of a flaky game at times, but like, there are games that I really enjoy, but generally the games where I'm like, it's perfect, there's nothing I wanna change. Witcher 3, XCOM 2,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, you know, I do think, uh, what's interesting you saying that games, you know, they're not, not evolving. I feel like, um, a lot of how games have evolved is quality of life stuff for the player that actually makes the game more bearable, but less difficult. Like I got the Resident Evil 2 remake and I was playing it at the start of the week and I, I gave up. I played it twice and I've already given up. It's too, too scary for me. I don't really like scary games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you guide jogs at this light pace, like there's one point where he goes, we better run, and then he's like tch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and if you stab him three times, your knife breaks. So you're just gonna manage this stuff all the time. So that just adds to the stress. And then this guy, Dr. X or something, turns up Mr. X.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's like this huge figure who stomps around like the Hulk and he just follows you indefinitely around the map as far as I can tell. Just following you around. And so you can hear this BOOM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think part of it is that when game, when the game play itself is really good, uhm, and, and, and straightforward, like, you know, this is the quest is that, you know, that the action itself is fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I get into the game and it's like, there's extensive crafting! I'm like, great. Cause that means I'm gonna have to go around and find the fucking red herb, then I'm gonna have to find this specific rock, and then this, the hair of this specific pony. I'm just like, god, you know, just let me play the game. Like, I miss out on a lot of stuff in a game cause I just can't be bothered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not- honestly, we're not used to- America's bonkers is more bonkers than our bonkers. Like, you see weird stuff in the UK sometimes, but they- they take it- they really do take it to the next level. Like, you haven't seen crazy people until you've been to America and seen- because everything else seems so normal, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, it's a street drug here. If you go to Manchester, in Liverpool, apparently it's a big problem. Like, that's, uh, I mean, here's the thing. People think about this as some collapse of society. There have always been groups of people that will do whatever the current worst drug you can that will fuck you up. Like, methylated spirits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and glue and stuff like that, like there's always been something, it's cheap


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My kids read books, like I like that. I don't want them on devices all the time because you kind of realise there's no attachment to the earth. You know what I mean? I mean, you hold a thing, like you hold a book, it's paper. I like paper. It feels like a natural product.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nice. You can, you know, you got your bookmark. It feels like you're holding something and when you finish you close up the book and you kind of hold it and it's a thing that you can hold. It's not just some disposable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, they brought them in to encourage competition in the schools, like within the school. I can't remember when they did it, but it was, there's a point where they weren't, and then they were. And basically, you're part of your house, and you compete against the other houses, so it'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or whatever, so that's it, so you're in your house. I mean, that's why the Harry Potter universe did it. But you're telling me, I know that, like, the Slytherin guys were like the bad, the dicks, right? They were like the dicks. But you're telling me that one of the houses was specifically called the bookie nerdish house, as if the rest of all the kids at Harry Potter weren't bookish nerds in the first place?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard because, first of all, if you fucking watch the Harry Potter movies, I don't know about the books, but I know the movies are based on the books, I watched them with my kids, and every time something happened that was clearly lifted from Lord of the Rings, I pointed out, this was straight from Lord of the Rings. Like the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, is straight lifted from Lord of the Rings. The dude even looks like Frodo in the movies, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also like, here's my other problem with this kind of corrective fanfiction is, this, this guy's obviously a massive fan of, of, of the Harry Potter stuff, right? But obviously, these books were written for kids, sorry to break it to you guys, they were kids books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, which is another way of saying teenagers. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Twilight, I think, is like a teen book, right? It's a book for kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is kind of condescending, I think, to run the same level of expect- expectation over the prose, you know what I mean? Doesn't have to be written in this flowery language, as long as the story's cool, like all the- what are those ones called with Katniss?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't put the same expectations of, hang on a minute, why would they do that? And that doesn't seem consistent. You just read the book, oh, you just devour it. You know what I mean? The way kids watch TV shows, they just devour them. It just washes over you. And this guy has now gone back, he's reread the books probably for the billionth time, he's like, how come?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Harry Potter lives in the modern age, but he never mentions anything that's happening. He never mentions bands, he never mentions movies, he never mentions Lord of the Rings. I'm gonna correct that, because that way it'll be more palatable to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are now adults and reading the books. I think that's what it is. It's like, it's not correcting the books, it's correcting the reader. And helping them out by saying all that stupid shit that bothered you when you read Lord of the Rings. Harry Potter, bingo, I'm gonna fix it for ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just think like, if my kids really like it, how good can it be? That's it. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I may, there is a huge difference between modding a game


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is something that even if I've modded the game, I can still play it and my experience will be different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And fucking crowdsourcing ideas for a book and writing it as a collective.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reason that you get one person to write a book, and that's the best way to do it, because you want their voice, and you want them to really say something, and sometimes it's gonna upset, or it's not gonna appeal to one group of people, but it's really gonna appeal to another group of people. I don't want a fucking book by committee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was from something awful at like early 2000. Oh, the Johnny Five Aces thing I remember. So there was this idea, these guys on something awful were gonna get together and make a game. And it was gonna be a JRPG style game about this thing called The Zyborn Clock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ...became... you couldn't tell. They were so good. You couldn't tell if they were actually part of the original design or if they were like jokes about the original design. It was so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unbelievably bad, you wouldn't believe it. So, somebody made a mock-up of the Xyborne clock as a game, and all the drawings that people came up with, oh, it's hilarious. It kind of reminds me of the Xyborne clock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, you know I love to hear a little bit of DIY. I love to hear about a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello everyone and welcome back to the Triforce Podcast. We're coming at you through reams of static. Sips, how you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was alien intervention, I think. They didn't want to, they didn't want to get their word out. You said some things that needed to be silenced by a governmental agency.