[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something, something happened. There's, there's something, something's wrong. And someone needs to see a shrink before he removes his gentile. Wait, not that, wait till after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on E, I think it's like botched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Transitioning into an alien since he was like 16, like he's always hated himself and the way he looks and he really, really, really wants to be, and he looks even crazier now. Like that's kind of, now he blacks out his eyes so that they're all black. It's fucking terrifying, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I've been following Garth on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gee, sorry. And they've been teaching him, he's been doing those, uh, videos that are only up for like the day. He's so bad at that. Like those, what do they call those? Snapchats? Yeah. Basically on Instagram?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they've taught him link in bio or swipe up. So now he'll be like, uhm, uhm, first it's the fake, yeaah, it's the fake smile like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I'm here right now. I'm at South by Southwest. Swap up. Swap up. Like he's so bad at it. It's so great. I was watching him today. Just like cringing. He's so bad at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just not his thing, you know? He, you know, he's a successful singer, I get that. He entertains millions of people, but the social media, he needs like a coach. He needs someone to help him be more natural with that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're, they're doing a makeover, I think, of his social media. Yeah. And the Instagram's getting a little better, like he's starting to do more frequent posts, but the Snapchats, the, the your story parts, they're, they're, they need work. Let's just put it that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Him and his hacky sack lifestyle. Fucking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather take a cruise you're sharing a room with?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The anal finger stinky butt hole lady. Yeah. Or the space alien kid. You're in a fucking cruise ship room for a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm. You gotta have meals together. You do your shuffleboard, your bingo activities together. You guys are together. You're a couple for a week on a cruise ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he is a vortex of emotional need. Yeah, that's true. He's gonna really, ugh. She's just nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's just nasty. She's like living with a frat guy, but the alien guy, he's gonna drain you emotionally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and he's like an emo 13 year old girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that what you and your slap dick friends did all the time? Smellin' fingers, lighting farts. I guess so. You guys do, I thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're saying that you think she's relentless with it. Like she can't go to another topic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the alien guy, the problem is you're gonna have to walk around with him a lot and people are gonna be like, what's up with those two? And you're gonna have a lot of eyeballs on you and he's gonna make a big spectacle of himself every time you go eat somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'll be, she'll be annoying in the cabin but not in front of everybody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two occupations, one being you're the nasal alien and you have to go through life transitioning into an alien or


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your job is to not shower and do those asshole fetish videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I feel like the nasal alien, you just have to wipe the makeup off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, this was a segment to a different show, but that kid needs his own reality show. I'd love to watch what's going on mentally there. You're nasal alien.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's another one? Both. Where people say the L.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both. Idea. I hate idea. God, that's fucking terrible. Okay. Um, it'll ruin your life to do these asshole vids. Why? Well, because I heard an interview with Tara Padraic and she made a great point. She's like, if you want to do porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be prepared for everybody in your life to know. Your pastor, your stepdad, your kids you went to first grade with, everyone's gonna find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't think that's going to mess up his school life and, and, I mean, look, the alien thing is way worse too, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, but what about our marriage? Like, I'm gonna have to smell your asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, big update for me. I'm getting my new crown this Thursday. That's huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now what happened was I got a piece of meat stuck behind the temp crumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was hurting, it was really hurting, and so you know what? I said fuck it, and I thought, I flossed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long was it stuck there? It didn't pop up just an hour or two. I was like trying to get it out with my fingers and then I just flossed and it didn't pop off. So I've been flossing. I have an idea. Yeah, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I can't go a day without flossing. I think that's revolting. I don't want to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My butthole, because it's hairless and because I bidet wash it every day, it's fine dude. I could skip three shower days because I bidet so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fine. And my bowel movements are pretty clean. They pinch right off. There's not a lot of remnants right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Didn't we just say that you shouldn't shit on people for their preferences? I don't like to go camping. This is the same thing. You're trying to convince me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, but I'm not even done with my dental update, so I'm gonna get a new crown, and then as a treat, I've decided to have my teeth whitened at the dentist's office after my crown. So when I come home next, oh no, sorry, Thursday, I'm at brand new crown


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're gonna do it there. Cause I realized that the one flaw in the gel whitening when you do it yourself is that you can't gauge


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I thought we were going to somebody modern and I'm, I'm upset now that there was such a thing that I could have done. I would have gladly. I hate waiting two weeks for the temp. It's misery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then again, my veneers that I had done really, really nice took about two weeks as well. And it was, it was well worth it. Cause the guy like handcrafted my teeth. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the one time we got pushed back is when that girl went straight to the window and was like, Hey, I'm just wondering, would you ever date your mom? And he was like, excuse me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're talking, I wrote some of them down just to reference them. His name is Landon. Thank you. O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Classic kids. First 40. That's uhm, uh, not, not autistic. What are they called? Tourette's camp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Stamina, Standoma. We know that one. Where the dudes at? That is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, my stoma is old school reference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know what that- I think that was someone that was having sex with somebody that had a stoma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People catch you saying dumb shit and it becomes a nice little sound drop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, and that's fucked up how I say that word forever now. Stanima. I can't stop, I don't say it right. I have to uncross the letters. Stanima.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our old mics. Our first mics. Fuck my stoma. You hear that? The difference is, at least I can hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we should do an episode where we just go through the early soundboards and explain maybe some of the drops from the early years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom and I got dressed today without seeing each other prior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came home after you, so I didn't even know what you were wearing and we both ended up wearing identical outfits today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These, I don't, I normally don't do light denim, but these are a specific 90's cut that I buy from the Lucky Brand online. They don't sell them in stores. They're called the Little Maggies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I'm not, dudes can't wear light denim. I think girls can rock light denim. Boys, it's not even cute. It's not even cute, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leona, let the record show. That's Brownlock. We used to do Brownlock where we would uncover


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, can we talk about, first of all, I'm surprised we didn't even get there today. You took two shits today, let's go through them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we were talking, we were in the middle of a discussion, like a business discussion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I love, this is my favorite thing you do, like it's a pretty serious discussion and then you just turn around and you walk away and you walk, and I was like, hello? Are we not discussing? You're like, I gotta shit. I gotta shit. Can you tell me you have to shit before you turn around and walk away?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was getting a second round of food. You saw the second round staring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? You know who I keep thinking about? Is the comlary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, her issue with men not wanting to touch their com-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When she, when I thought she was just like a, a, a lay person, and then I find out she's a professional sex worker, and it's like, well yeah guys, you know, are gonna be weird to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't, I don't, uh, but then, but the problem is they expect her to be into the cum, I think is, is her gripe, but then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, and here's my thing with it, it's like, well if you're a sex worker,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's part of the gig that someone asks you, Hey, will you swallow? I'm assuming you negotiate ahead of a time, I guess, with a sex where like, Hey, will you swallow my cum? Yeah, sure. So you can't really complain about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what I mean, like you can't, you can't, uh, fault the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For not wanting to taste his own cum if he's paying for your services.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like, that's his right to not want to eat the cum because he's paying for you to do whatever. It's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This discussion, yeaah, I don't, you know, who knows what the real story is, but if she is, it's like, okay, well, it's not your place to judge the guys who don't want to eat their cum. Most guys don't want to eat their own cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? I've never known a guy who's been like, I love it, I love the taste. Have you known anybody who's like, I loved it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting, you think that that's lesser than the guy that's into other guys. Of course. Why is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess so, but I'm a non-sexual person and I'm into things like pop play and that's where you're supposed to get familiar with your own things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love her. You know what, I do love these, uh, lower class English girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's at Cambridge. Fuck me in the shower. Yeah, she's talking about her tutorials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, Google MacSF. M-A-C-K-S-F.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quick debate, that sound drop, uuuh, is that pleasure or pain?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ass fumes. Wow. Yeah, maybe that's, uh, I don't know. Maybe she's trying to train.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The EV, hi, I'm the EV, my guy. The cardioid dynamic range.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. There's one more here. You wanna see this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried my father, my mother, my children, my grandparents, my cousins, my siblings and the only one who aroused me was my father.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you think you would be a horrible person if you ever went there. So it's all suppressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried my father, my mother, my children, my grandparents, my cousins. Grandparents? My siblings. Nasty as hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The incest fantasy is about having sex with someone who loves you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, happy birthday to G.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What were you saying about the pussy, uh, period stuff? Didn't you say something about that before the show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you know that a fax was sent by a blonde?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forgot that funny clip of hey, whatcha doin' homie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every time I hear Jane do the- Oh my god, you guys are just so disgusting. I know. It makes me smile every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No no no, not both of us. I'm, I've just had normal bowel movements today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the one that we need to really go back and do an autopsy and figure out what's going on here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the worst one. I would say of all the things we've had on this show, the vegan vagina guy, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you know, dudes barfing, like that for some reason just really skeeved me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you really like that one? I do. That's the one you chose for the opener, huh? Yes. Of all the clips submitted to us, of all the potential dad boner things, or... Yep. Hey mommy, thanks Jean. That's what you chose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just, this might be the, the, the pinnacle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, those are black, black, Jackie O'Ness. Uhm, all I can fucking say, dude. Anyway, go ahead, I forget, I'll remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand. I got it. In like the 90s and then they're like, could you re-nasty these?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you're a woman with little education or means to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't compete with vaginal juices is what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you guys, does it create, does it come out throughout the day though? Does it change with your cycles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an interesting point too, and you can also get a little yellow because my stepfather, I remember, my mother would wash his boxers and she would point out that there was yellow and brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, first of all, I mean, look, I'm not a doctor, but if you're, what's coming out of you, coming out of your front,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is brownish intent? You got an infection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, I'm pretty sure, yea, it shouldn't be brown. I mean, unless it's period stuff, but. Could be, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if it's not a period thing, I'd be very concerned. But I don't know. Maybe Amber is menstruating. I don't know. We're gonna find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what's problematic about this clip, Tom, is I feel like we don't know if this is really accurate and we don't know if this is truly a psychic thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you wash your hands after you touch your own? Of course. You never do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanna get a flu? No. You gotta wash the back of your fucking hands. Alright. Maybe I will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got a massage lined up, she's got a, someone's gonna cook dinner for her and she's gonna be in the uh, hot tub. You think she's mentally ill? No, I think she's mentally stoned. Just high. High.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't make yourself equal with the G. Why? Because G is G and T is T.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Shit dick, so we had a nice little party at the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We barbecued, we had cousin Bri-Bri over, and, you know, cousin Yanet, and my dad, and babies, and doggies, and... It was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three, and I approve of one of those cities. Why? Why? In California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do enjoy Seattle and Portland. You meet around. Those are fantastic cities. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you came home and then, so, so we had our barbecue and now today I made spaghetti squash. Like I got it from Whole Farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I put some sausage in there. I mean, my sinuses are all fucked up. This morning I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now did you take antibiotics last week? I did. See that's why, oh, well that's why you're not, cause it's day 11 and I'm still sick, I'm still congested, my snot has changed color, it's a bright yellow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fucked. I gotta go to the doctor and get those antibiotics, man. I think this is, this is evil, what's inside of me. No, our kid's fine, though. Yeah, he's better. It's just you. Even though I have AIDS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I've been there. I've been there. And you get like your thing of rice, your meat, and your veggies. Is that the place?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, it's like a hole in the wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so this problem started back in, on Saturday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Well, tea is good cause it's comforting when you're, when you have a cold. I know what I'm saying, I like it so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when I'm healthy, I don't like a hot beverage necessarily, like a tea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how coffee makes me feel. I don't like coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Allow me to present to the court my possible findings here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to Whole Foods this morning and I brought you back a juice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With spaghetti, and I got some whole farts. But not real spaghetti. Right, it's zucchini, it's squash, in noodle form.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm backed up a little bit. I even went to Korean food on Saturday hoping to loosen things up for me, but to no avail. I took one shit after that spaghetti squash, but it was a normal one, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're not listening. So it's the juice and your vegetable intake, which I know you historically, you can't really handle vegetables. Your body like freaks out. I think it might be the spaghetti squash in conjunction with the cauli wobbles from last night. In conjunction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to eat carb, you know, when you're, when you're diarrheaing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I had an epiphany though, by the way. What's that? When I had Korean food on Saturday and I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Order their spicy sundobu, it's like a tofu soup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I get it red, like I like it very spicy. Now, are you farting? What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I had this epiphany because I was eating it and I was thinking to myself, gosh, in my early twenties I used to, that's when I started eating this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to get diarrhea every time that I would eat this soup, like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. It took a decade of eating Sundubu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I can eat it in the sh- and kimchi? I can eat a whole trough of it and like, it doesn't phase me. I went to Korea and I was the only one not to get diarrhea. Cause I was eating that sh- I was going to the malls and eating that hot spicy soup and all the other white girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, violent, just double. I would, when I knew I had a set that night, I would wake up and start shitting. And I would shit all day. And then why did the groundlings before that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the groundlings, that was like an all day shit and then I would shit before the groundlings and then during the class break. Remember you got a break? I would shit during the break. Wow. I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a nervous wreck for seven years easily. Now, how did, did you get nerves like that for performing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, that too. I couldn't eat, I would eat like, um, protein bars, but I would still shit. I couldn't eat. The night of the show, I might have eaten like a granola bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's when I smoked cigarettes, so I would chain smoke all day too, out of nerves. When I think about it, the havoc I wreaked on my immune system, on my, my, um, adrenals are just fucking shot from the first ten years of stand-up, easily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A million years ago, this is, I think I was in the groundlings and I just wanted to know like, oh, what's standup about? And the teacher said one great thing, he goes, don't get into the habit of drinking or doing drugs before you perform in the beginning, cause then it's a really hard thing to break later. And I thought, oh, that's, that's good advice. I'm going to try that out. Cause you really can't, once you get hooked on doing it that way,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's the danger, you make those associations, definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's funny when I get into such a frenzied state with you, I don't know what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was talking about the Egyptians. I was reading about Tutankhamen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was just, it's all stream of consciousness. I was meditating earlier. I got smoked a little weed before we did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we were like, who's gonna be a better ball worshiper, our son or our daughter? And it was like, we had that debate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, that's what we do. This is uh, this is crystal that you're banging. Now-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Opening with the panty lady, and then the second clip is this. I mean, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just in your normal repertoire. This is just your weekend with Brian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was kind of a failed game for us, only because it was hard to verify the dicks. You can only really theorize on what somebody's dick looks like, and we just didn't have a lot of verifications.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we can find, if we can find a guest who'd be willing to show us a picture of his dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, your Zevia was a real hit yesterday at the barbeque party. People loved it, especially your father. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Frasca is gross, and of course he's gonna like your gross soda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was the glass bottle that much better back in the 1800s?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Now, I asked you, how many blow jobs would it take for you to lose interest in helicopter piloting? So, let's do the math. Let's go. I mean, obviously I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, but I'm not crushing a dream, I'm fulfilling dreams too. Don't forget that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, not that one. You give me the number and let's negotiate because I don't like this hobby. I don't want you flying. I have a relative that was killed in a, he was a pilot for many, many 30 years and was killed flying. So I'm very biased against and don't fucking send me emails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, telling me how safe it is. I had a relative die, so I don't fucking care. I don't care. And he flew for a living.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you're saying what's the surplus amount versus the regular?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How is that, and it's not a proposal then, you're a dictator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you'll never talk about this piloting license again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I wanted writing, I want our attorney to draft up a legally binding document.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That for the rest of our marriage, I never fuckin' hear about pilot license or flying, eh, eh, or race car driving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's, let's fucking keep talking. Let's keep the dialogue open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. You know what's gonna happen, if I agree to it on the show, then our listeners are ravenous and they will make meticulous note of everything I say and then it'll be a legal problem for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, how many blowjobs will you give the audience for that? There's no way I can do that. There's no way. What do you mean? It's possible. How is it possible? Anything's possible. You can set up a blowjob tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's interesting, the iTunes ranking, you're right, because it also only goes by, I'm assuming, in part, by the downloads on iTunes. Their, their thing. But that's not how it works. The downloads are also through Stitcher, through streaming, through...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a weird system, I'm curious to know how they compile. Is there a podcast I've never fucking heard of? Like, we're in the world of podcasts, so you kind of know what's out there, and I'll look at those and I'll be like, dude, who?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that was bad. That was really boring. At least she had a kind of a neat voice though, it wasn't like a dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that guy is... No, so I understood the newscaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looked like sheep, kinda dark and dingy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, this isn't like a foreign accent syndrome. We're gonna be like, yeah, English is a second language, this is this guy's primary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sun. Suns are born to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was great. Yeah. Super fun. I had Joe Bartnik open for me. Yoshi came by, did a guest spot. It was awesome. Where you got coming up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, April 28th and 29th, Sacramento at the Punchline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Ball Sacramento, May 4th and 5th, Fartnicks, stand up live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May 19th and 20th, Jude Ork titties, Gotham, come on your comedy club. June 1st through 3rd, Denver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Momver at the Com-Comedy Works and then June 16th and 17th Manfriend Disco at the Punchline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is wrong with you? What do you mean? You're the worst person ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope. You go ahead and put the clip up first and then I'll put my headphones on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually girls, they do not speak when they go like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, oh my god, like honestly? Seriously?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say I'm proud that he didn't say me and Megan because me and something has become the new norm with grammar and it's making me bananas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I can't stand it. You never say me and so-and-so, me and Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Tom and I are Tom and me depending on the rest of the sentence, yea. Makes me crazy. That doesn't bother you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he'd rather use a washcloth than use his hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because then you can just wash your hand with the soap. That's what the soap is for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so why, you know, the soap kills that bacteria. You think you're, you know, you're gonna get on your hands anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course I do idiot. What a stupid question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now when, do you, uh, when you're toilet paper, do you fold or do you crunch up in a ball?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why I think crunching up in a ball is for savages, I mean, how can you, I fold, I go over, I do the mittens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do it right now, I've got this rule. See this is, right, so you go like this, right? Here you go. And then what? He goes like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that doesn't cover enough surface area of just a ball. And not only that, there's a lot of gaps so your knuckles can get shitty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's silly. Here's what I do. I'll show you right here. Here's what I do. Ready, Tom? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And ask him. Yeah. Okay. Wait, but, but Real Talk, listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is enough for my brown. I want to see how much you use.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I don't want this shit to touch my hand. I wanna make sure there's enough of a barrier. Babe, you use like two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mother never answers. It's so annoying. And like, Ellis will be doing something super cute and we'll try to FaceTime her and she'll never fucking answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, now, may I ask you this? When you make yellow, do you have to wipe your penis ever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, but don't you dig when you wipe? You gotta get in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for me, every wipe is a dig wipe if I'm wiping brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Full report too. We got your mom's perspective and your dad's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's crazy. I can see that happening. I mean, on the Great British Baking show, you have a bad bake and the judges lean into you and then it gets in your head. It's hard to bounce back from that much heat, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To make athletes talk on the spot and in those, you know, it's a high pressure situation. I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This oscillating thing, I'm just geeked on this, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, thank god for smart people basically is what you're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of a bummer. It puts a bummer mood on what should be. This otherwise fun thing. Right, a light, playful romp is now a murderous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds fun. I don't know what you're talking about. Sounds light and consensual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this would devastate her. Thank god for a soundproof studio, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about not, uh, aggressive coming?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not shitting, cause we've done enough common shit today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's what I'm going to do, because I'm not going to stop her eating the table scraps, because I, where are we going to lock them out of the kitchen? Then they're going to go shit all over the house. You know how they are. So I think what I'm going to have to do is like half her dry food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just half that so that she can just eat the scraps. You know? What are we gonna do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't want to clean the floors, do you? No, of course not. So this is the obvious solution. Cut back the kibble, let her eat people's food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was wine breath, and that's like bar breath, you know, like, smells really nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think I just wanted to mention the live show stuff. Oh, you know, in the past we were able to stay afterward and take pictures with people and meet all the mommies, but I just want you guys to know, like, we're not fucking dicks. That's why we're not able to do it. It's because the way that the shows were stacked, the seven and the nine, right? It was seven and nine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, can I get all burgers please? And can I get them hot and spicy as well?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, I remember this restaurant! I remember! I remember smelling it and eating it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We extract flour and we make it with the sugar and there's rhubarb on it as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a, jeez this keeps turning. This is a, the song is Cadillac.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great again, come see me at the Improv in West Palm Beach this weekend. Uhm, right after that, I'm home for a while doing some LA shows. The jeans machine, Christenza, will be at the Washington Dick Hum Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Senor Camacho will be running the country soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New Year's, I'm in Orlando, Florida, at that improv, and then my big tour starts in January. We've added shows in Minneapolis, Chicago, Portland,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Boston, those cities have added shows. Other cities were probably, you know, not gonna add in. Get your tickets now. I start off in Kansas City at the beginning of the year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We added, uhm, Calgary, Edmonton, and this Friday, so in a couple days, Vancouver goes on sale. Just wanted to put that out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be awesome. Somewhere more fun? I don't think he was, he doesn't have a Miami vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I even got the mini ones, the inner ear noise cancelers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're just like, yeah, and then your, your butthole closes and you can't hear anything. It's fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's American and this is Canadian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just gave him passion speech and then we go and we'll speak too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, this was amazing. This is, this is incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe she had to fart right then. I wonder how often she farts. She looks like she can, she can rip them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it looks like they just like kind of like fall out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back. And we're back. So this is part of, uh, living in a new place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, uh, they just shamed this lady into sitting down. The lady who was like, F A R T.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the teacher left the room for a second. She told, you know, the teacher came back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not about justice at that point. No. Dickhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well she didn't even, uh, she didn't tell her, she didn't say the word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, this show should be like, it was the most offensive, most offensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, that was easily two birts that lady. Two birts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's pretty great. It's pretty great. I mean, it's a, it's a full on challenge at this point about who is, you know, who's going to be less of a pig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you shouldn't buy it. No, it's nonsense. He's a big liar. You know, he, um, I see him telling nothing but lies all the time and he's, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's also somebody who you have to remember. Oh, this is him right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, so another thing, I was talking to Ari, he was saying that, like, we're just doing a straight up weight loss challenge. That's how I understood it, right? He was like, well, if he's a half inch taller than you, then he doesn't have to li- I'm like, nah dude, I'm not playing that. We're doing a straight up challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does he understand that that's on him if we hit that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, for our height, I mean, uh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now we're grotesquely obese, and if we get down to 227 we'll just be overweight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if we wanted to be healthy, but also you should, you should remember this though. The BMI is a super outdated, uh, measuring. No, it really is. It really is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The BMI, like, takes into, doesn't take into, like, it doesn't take into account, like, your muscle mass, really. It's just saying, like, based on an average size guy, oh, you should weigh this amount, but you could, you could be a muscular guy and, and be considered obese by it. You could also just be,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of a normal build guy and still be considered obese bike. Cause it's an outdated measurement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I think he definitely just did. You think so? He did it today. I'm not saying he's doing it every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think he has a sweat tank. Uhm, you know, diet, I just can't see him sticking to it for the month. Especially on the road, he's gonna have so much booze flowing through his system every night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, and it's a month of that. You know? Of him trying to flush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so too. Uhm, this is what's cool about this internet right now, is that I can't fucking pull this up. Because the internet here fucking sucks even though we're paying for the top tier that they offer. So, that's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we've had different companies and they all are garbage, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's one of these guys too that like, oh my god, he, I remember one time I, when I asked him, I go, did you play football in high school? He goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was supposed to be like one of the next best players at my school. Like, supposed to be great, but then I injured my shoulder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like hypothetically, he was proud of himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That looked really bad. That was terrible. You know what it looked like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should do a, I should do a video just where I show him how to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am proud of you. I think that's great. I really do think that's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2 minutes is fantastic. Yeah, 227 is not obese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you know, uhm, yeaah, pretty incredible, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guy didn't do two-a-days and he threw a two-a-days joke at it, so fucking funny. You know, Bert's never even been to Russia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not boozing? I mean maybe for a few days, maybe a week. I could see him doing that. When he's home, yeaah. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, god. That was fun. That was fantastic. Jean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jean, we still say Jeans and Mommy to every drive thru. Like we do the Starbucks drive thru. We live by a Starbucks now, so we drive thru all the time. And we'll be like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey mommy, can I get a, uh, a venti iced coffee? Extra ice, no sweetener.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, okay, it's gonna be $3.58. I'm like, okay, thanks. Thanks, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, let me pull it up here. Yeah, people were like, oh, Master of Accents, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I have to say, you were saying something about how dignified, I remember you were talking about dignified Brits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when this clips up, I would say that you actually said Brits first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying, I think you've polluted my mind for a moment. Uh, but then we had a number of people write in, uh, very upset, saying this is absolutely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then people on top of that wrote in and go, this is Kiwi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Australian. And then these little savage piglets of his are Kiwi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Accent this man has. Right. Let's hear it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, with this guy in charge?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, you know, he pulls his dick out and just mouth fucks all these dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a really aggressive, like you know, costumes and masks can go one way or the other. That's really aggressive looking. Doesn't it look super aggressive? Of course! Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, somebody just left me a voicemail. I don't know if it's a, oh okay, it's a different guy. Uhm, I didn't know if it was the guy in the house. I gave my number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here he is, letting you know. I mean, he seems happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I asked him, would you date your mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty stupid. As a parent, right? It's on her. It's on her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do, they're, they're, they're, they're a fun group. Sweet, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you thought he was Canadian. Of course, yea. No, he's from Colorado.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said that and I was like, what are you talking about? And you go, woah, deodorant? What's, what's going on? What's the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the big deal here? Why, why the deodorant? Like I wear deodorant every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was really cool. See, for me, the most memorable moment was we did it, uhm, Saturday and it was at the tail end of the Florida Florida State game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as soon as I rolled over, like as soon as I rolled over, I go, can I play the game on? That to me was like the special moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I thought I would mute it and just watch, but then you were like, I could tell you weren't into that, so I turned it off. And you know, I tried to get through it as fast as I could for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then- For me? Yeah. For me. And then- Why for me? When I rolled back over, I was like, I put the game on, and you were like, okay, I'm gonna go to the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we won. We killed the gators. The gay turds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is fun. Well because we were making kissy faces the other day, and in bed, and you'd had a glass of wine, it was kinda like three quarters done, it was the side of the bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I went to kiss you and I was like, oh, I like this. This is like back in my, uh, my bar, my bar days where I used to just kind of troll the bars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you go, oh my god, really? I go, yeaah, you remind me of, uh, what's a good bar, bar troll name? Karen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, Karen's like, woah, you're kissing me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what would have been cool if you wanted to be like, really cool wife points? We'd do it in the dog, facing the TV, while the game's on. That could be cool. This might be the guy. Let me check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll see what he says. Uhm, but anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been enjoying getting back into cigars. I liked them like, I don't know, 20 years ago. When you were 10?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I got into them. I was doing two days, that's how I would fucking calm down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I got a little treat for you. You want to hear it? I got a little treat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gave, uh, gave dad a call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not only did I get to talk to Top Dog, I also got to talk a little bit to Charo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But threes and fours are ideal, so if you're having twos and threes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, five's too sloppy. Threes and fours are the ideal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Threes and fours are where you wanna be. Yeah. Yeah. I know this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You went threes and fours. Believe me, I've studied this stuff. I know the whole scale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kind of know what you mean. One thing that was weird was I was on a flight last week and somebody


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kept farting and it was the same smell so I knew it was the same guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Farted? And then about two hours into the flight I farted and my fart smelled like his fart. That was weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what conversations with my dad are like. Then I, I'll reciprocate. I'll be like, oh, I'll say this back. And then he'll be like, so something else I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember one time I was, uh, I'll never forget, you know, there's just memories that just stick with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shared an office with this guy also named Tom when I was working in DC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] District of Columbia. Yeah. Uh, we were working at, uh, at America's Most Wanted. He was a producer and on air guy and I was just a researcher. So I was 20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and he, or maybe 21, and he was probably 40 at the time, and we both like hip hop. So one time we just went to a record store, like during lunch break, just to look at records.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this guy, this was back when there was record stores everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stations. You remember that when we came to that? So you put headphones on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they would have like five or six things you could listen to at the time, right? Sure. So these are albums that are out. So this big guy is standing there with headphones on and he hits like, so obviously you can't hear what he's listening to, but he's singing the notes, singing this song. He's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as he hits the high note, he rips a massive fart, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was so weird because he turned around and looked at us. Because we were busting out laughing. And he looked at us like, oh you're laughing at my voice? I think he didn't know that he farted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you didn't hear it. You don't hear your own fart. You don't hear your fart, and I think because he was singing. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says he has 8 to 10 different smells that he recognizes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do certain fart smells let you know you're gonna have a really explosive, huge shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't know, like, I'm not at dad's level, but I have some cocktails that, yea, they paint the bowl and stuff, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty cool, I agree. It was kind of like on that, uh, what's that, uhm, that great fart that he had, King Ashripper, it was sitting on a dresser. Right. Remember his dresser fart?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just does. And he'll be like, baby, I just came in, I gotta go. She'll go to the bathroom. And he's like, I don't have to go to the bathroom. She's like, this is disgusting. And then he'll get matches and stuff. You know, she just gets upset. She just yells. But she lets it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really crazy. So I wanted to play this for you. This woman, uh, Shahzad Morgan, she's the author of the book, The Fucklist, a memoir about the two years after her divorce where she fucked a lot of dudes. Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a dream and then you tried to kind of like dismiss it later. You're like, Oh yeah, whatever. It was just a dream where you said, I watched you, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, look, I mean, I like that as your dream. Tell your shrink about that one. Let me know what she says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, Oh, I had this dream. Like, like somebody sounds like someone really twisted your arm. You're like, well, I just did it. I blew these five guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You blew them in your dream. Really cool, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's just, it's just reality. I just have to deal with it. I mean, I wish it wasn't like that, if that's what you're asking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mine tastes pretty good as far as I remember. Had a couple cups of it last week, wasn't that bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She needs mail approval. Too much mail approval. What's going on? What is this? Why can't this get addressed? Seems like it's- What's that? The eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her teeth look good. She's an attractive woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you have to figure out how to get better at that. She's really over sexed, I think. I think this is too much of a focal point in her life. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that. She's talking like a fucking teenager. She's probably been like super repressed. I think so. This is her reverse. I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you don't want to worry about guys cum? No. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very true. For Christmas, do your Christmas shopping. Do your Christmas shopping there. Also, we have a bunch of, uh, great shirts on sale on the website. We have some posters on sale. They are, uhm, go to TomSiguro.com, click on the store to shop, and it'll take you to our, uh, our merch page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds real crazy. It sounds really, really aggressive on a lot of levels. Wiping back to front is never recommended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For nobody. And that she claws at it and just, oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know that the button that turns it on, if you press it twice, that's how you get hard pressure?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's soft on off, and then there's stop. So you do soft on, a second time makes it hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just basically, it's like your old shit to shower thing. I mean, I still like to do a cursory wipe. Just, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, sure. I'll do like a wipe. Why? And then I let it rip. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause if you have like a lot of caca there, you don't have a big hairy asshole like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, I'll do like a cursory wipe. I just, I don't even look. I just wipe it, drop it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got a horrible or hilarious clip to watch. I haven't watched it. Do you want to weigh in? Yeah, yeah. Let's see what you think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he goes, ah, cunt. Did you hear that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Serper of the Water, Champthrone Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, inspired by your wonderful podcast, I pulled my jeans up high and tight and sent off for a DNA kit from 23andMe. I used the word, I used the code BIRDHASFATGENES to pay an extra 20%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which goes towards Burt's liposuction surgery. I received the kit fluid bonded with a test tube and a few weeks later I received my results. The test identified several very close blood relatives I didn't know I had. You see my mom was adopted and found her bio mother several years ago but she never found out the identity of her bio father.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Through some detective work and by comparing DNA results on another website called GEDmatch, uhm, they compare DNA from different testing companies. I discovered my mom's biological father. His last name was Johancic. Does that sound, how do you say it? Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Well, he was 100% cockroach DNA having Hungarian. That makes him 25% Hungarian.


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[Assistant] What do I know? How do I connect with my eastern block roots? Is there anything special about being Hungarian? Should I take up disco dancing and start being rude to people? Should I plant a pilgrimage to Budapest?


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[Assistant] I'm really lost here. See you at the next family reunion. Andy, PS, my wife and I saw Tina in Houston a while back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we already have cha- tickets to see the fake water champ Tom when he comes to town. Unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone else told me this, uh, Mommy's long time, long time first time I was listening to podcast 371.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, had any extended periods with anyone, uhm, he would not have a familiarity preference like was suggested by the main mommy. I think this matter needs further investigation to get to the source of dad accents. Keeping him high and tight, Blake B.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have so many countless memories of my dad doing that. Juanito, did you?


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[Assistant] Would you able to buy some nice things today? It's good, no? See. Why are you telling me like that, dad? And maybe this weekend we, uh, show, I show you some of the things and the church is nice here. You will like it. And they're like, okay, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, oh by the way, do you remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uhm, Master of Accents last episode, uhm, which clearly we, you know, failed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the also the other guy. What was the, uhm, the redneck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hauling printers is hauling prisoners back and forth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got to looking and tankering and thanking, yeaah. But now we know that, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no printers that they need at Angola State Prison. What a dumb fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how all those are like, hey guys, like it's always like, hey guys. You know, you have your, your little team of, um, you know, people who are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody opens their YouTubes. Hey guys! I just wanna talk to you about... Hey guys!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna show you what I got. There's some great sales.


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[Assistant] It was just like unbelievable that that was somebody's whole plight, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's everything that they do in their life is just that.


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[Assistant] Who is watching that? It's gotta only be somebody who's also doing the exact same thing, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think just know that other like just sad shopper is like, what'd you get? And then, Oh, I got something too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's gross. She's really gross. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You know how many complaints- Where's the, where's the pay info? I mean, why isn't she like, guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello guys! You need to pay for this video!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of hearts, a lot of burps. Brown talk. There's a lot today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I mean, I'm not into it, if that's what you're asking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And those are the best ones of today. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really was a good show. It was really fun. Uh, should we go out? Should we go out? Yea. We gotta come back to some Patreon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch out. If you're a woman, you might just get pregnant by drinking Starbucks because they've got some pretty potent cement in that drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I asked him, would you ever date your mom? I asked him, would you ever date your mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who wants to know why he calls me mom, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I asked, I'm your mom and you're my son and I am falling in love with him. He said, are you really? I said, yes, I am. He said, you know what? I was scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean I would appreciate if you guys would shop on Amazon for this Christmas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Using our banner, hello, go to YourMomsHousePodcast.com, click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage, do your shopping as you normally would. I advise you just do that right now. Go to our website, Your Moms House Podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, dot com and click on the banner and go ahead and bookmark that site. That way you don't even have to think it's there. You do your shopping and it just kicks back a little change to the show to help us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't know why you're going to the mall. We went to the mall yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get your Just Glassin' shirts. Get your Water Champion shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many moving parts to a podcast. We've got the visual, the audio, the drops you have to prepare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That little story for our listeners who don't know, but Tom got me this computer for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just as an everyday mommy, and it's so complicated.


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[Assistant] The point is, I can't, it's too much computer for me, cause I'm a mom. All I do is like, check emails and look at photos of my kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About what dog in a bathtub is. Now you say it's the twig and berries and the beans inside a woman's mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sorry, the twig and the berries. I'm adding it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm assuming there's two or four gentlemen there. So yeah, the twig and the berries. I'm saying it's the twig and the berries inside a girl's vagene. You're saying, okay, so let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Berries in, they pop out, but they're saying it's anal, so both of us are wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do I. I'm not anal? No. Because don't you feel like a dog in a bathtub is hard to achieve in both the mouth or the vagina?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] English people use in it, and it doesn't make sense. Like he's like, fucking wankers in it. But he wouldn't say fucking wankers isn't it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's something there you shifted last time when this happened, remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I actually, I get that all my accents are better than yours.


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[Assistant] It just, but it grammatically wouldn't make sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In our country, the police will be like, sir, get back, sir, get back.


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[Assistant] He makes 15p, that's nothing. 15p is 15 cents.


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[Assistant] That's so British. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.


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[Assistant] To pay the, it's probably, he says his name or the man, I don't know. Dude, you know how expensive ciggies are?


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[Assistant] Nope, they're called fags. But do you think because of the PC thing that now you can't even call cigarettes fags?


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[Assistant] But I feel like don't they inherit our political correctness too?


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[Assistant] You can't say, can you lend, and they get a pencil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, let's say they called these niggas. You can't be like, like a nigga. Can't say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But fag is bad too now. Fag is, fag is equal to the n-word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude bro, I know, they're way more politically correct in some ways than we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a lot of British listeners. I know, if you're British tell us, do you still call them fags? And is it considered a little bit insensitive to call them fags?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's fun now is how angry you get when the myriad of technology fails. When the monitor goes to sleep, you fucking lose your mind. When you get an email, you lose your mind. If I turn the sound down for a minute, you lose your marvel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause we, Karen and Bobby made sweet love this morning in the 10 minutes we had before.


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[Assistant] Ellis went down and then the nanny shows up so we have that nice sexy 10 minute window to get marital love in.


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[Assistant] Right. You know what was good in true Bobby fashion though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They change color. Like when I'm just, like I get undressed for a shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then they're the normal color. Then I get in the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, I've had boyfriends where it's uhm, it's all skin, like a lot of skin, and then the two beans and like the two balls, but then like so much skin. Why is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bag is enormous and then the two beans are just floating in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have one boyfriend whose penis was like real short and fat and his nuts would just hang super low.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pile driver. He used to pretend to give me a pile driver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fun. Remember? Yeah. We did that a lot, like when we first started dating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause I don't, I feel like that's not a everyday...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when you have 10 minutes to do it before the nanny gets in, you don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, my dad used to have uh, police scanners in the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely red or blue, like you wanna pick a side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the line of fire is what I want for you. Like get out of the car a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you see guns getting pulled, stuff like that. You know what I bet you're gonna see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of homeless shit, like, there's a homeless dude face down on the floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's a Monday night, so there's less drinking, partying happening. It might be, it's a good quiet night. But it's the holidays. But it's the holidays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. Well you'll have to give us a detailed report.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gang bangers, yeah ain't it? Ain't it? And uh, you're gonna hear some gunshots. Cause remember when we lived in the rampart division?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Figure out some codes. You know there's code four that means everything's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like if you wouldn't mind asking for a list of radio codes.


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[Assistant] Cause there's an app you can download that's the police scanner app. And I downloaded it when we lived in the rampart division, just to see what was happening around us. And I could pick up on some of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, like, you know, uh, 720, 10-7 Henry. 10-7 is a rest, I know that. 10-2 is like, all good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which in all fairness, you know, the English don't have dollars, single dollars, they have pounds.


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[Assistant] But this motherfucker gets paid in pound coins, is what I'm saying. For the Doritos, someone gives him a coin. And he does have a point.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like in that, like I've heard it just in weird places.


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[Assistant] And a Taco Bell one too, I saw. God, I haven't been there in years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, we used to eat there a lot when we lived in the rampart because it was right by our old apartment, remember? You get off that, that sweet 101 exit on a rampart and it was right there across from a Tommy burger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's real se- cops hang out there at that Tommy Burger by the way. That was a cop hangout.


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[Assistant] Tell em, tell em where you used to live, you cop. And see if you guys can cruise through-


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[Assistant] I know it's on the cheat sheet, they're right under each other, right?


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[Assistant] If we get, if we get some international, uh, hi mommy, thanks Janes, that's a drive through, that would be great.


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[Assistant] You should, because I think those guys would also want a rib or two. If you would share the queue. Do you have permission to share my share with them?


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[Assistant] You gotta get it right! Thanks, James.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy. Nobody said anything and we've been doing this for a while.


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[Assistant] And we've even done it to waitresses, face to face.


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[Assistant] In Redondo, you would go, thanks Janes, when she would take her money, and then you would flirt with her, you'd be like, you look beautiful today, thank you.


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[Assistant] No, but he would eyeball waitresses. Hard. Hardcore. Hard fucking core.


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[Assistant] It was so gross. Nothing's grosser than watching your dad flirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except maybe hearing your dad talk about, uhm, his past girlfriends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my God. You know, it was the grossest when your dad was visiting and your mom, your mom was playing with Ellis and she was on her hands and knees and your dad turns to me and goes, she hasn't been on her hands and knees in a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're always, you're always flirting with all the girls and stuff. You're flirting with our nanny and stuff.


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[Assistant] And if it's not her style, then she feels obligated to wear it around us and that sucks.


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[Assistant] Could you imagine anything more soul crushing for her? No. To work in someone's home with her child and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, I've heard, um, nightmare stories of nannies flirting with the dad and the family and sleeping with the family dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so there's the crotchless panty, which is an overt, sexual, or you do the subtly inappropriate gift, which is the t-shirt that's like, naughty, not nice, or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So was I. You go, oh, it's a new Brad Pitt movie. He's in a war. Yea, I thought it was that thriller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty cool. And it was kind of neat to see how many dicks there were. There was a lot. How many she could handle.


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[Assistant] But it was neat that they addressed that early because that's been the problem with so many of these space movies is they don't address


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you figured out food. Yes, you figured out water, air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's good that the aliens, that's our first order of business. Yeah. A sexual pleasure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's so funny because you said Brad Pitt was in it and so Amy Adams is in it. And I was, I still hadn't figured out that this wasn't the movie that you set me up for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was still like, I wonder if her partner, the other scientist is going to be Brad Pitt. And I'm like, and then it's not him and I'm like, oh, okay, it's definitely not. This is the wrong movie. And then we both said something like, oh, this is definitely not the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I thought maybe that was just like the hard set up. Like, you know how um, like you know how Quentin Tarantino movies, like Django and Jane is a really serious


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are comedic moments to break up the tension.


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[Assistant] And it was right around the time that we've seen Django. And I thought, oh well maybe this is someone else's attempt at doing like the slave story. The slave comedy. Right. Very few people can pull that off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh, I know, I mean, the wife dies, everybody dies, I'm just crying alone, and I go, I gotta stop watching this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For instance, the one where Hillary swank is a fighter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? All those things- Here's why people like, retarded people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh that movie about uhm, Marky Marks in it, and the daughter gets...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, it was a good movie. Oh. No, no, no, it's not Clint Eastwood. I'm thinking of the river. It's based on a book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I call it white bummers because the awards academy, they love throwing awards at these movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White people who have never had real suffering or hardship in their lives are like, let's go watch this so I can access feelings I can't normally get to.


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[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. Life is hard enough. I'm not gonna, I don't want to fucking get bummed out at the movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it comes from a European tradition, Saint Nicolash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] St. Nicholas, you know, that's, it's a German, I believe it's a German stuff. That Nordic tradition is where St. Nicholas comes from. Who brings the gifts. I would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you're good. Now there's a, say, a crumpus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bert bought me, it's the black Santa. It's a chocolate and it came back and it was a black Santa. That's the, it's an evil guy who goes and hits the children. Oh, that's nice. Remember I told you, my dad growing up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, no, the devil, sorry, the devil goes around the village and if you are bad, you get whipped with branches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they do that in Germany and Austria too, and he's a black guy. So that's raci- racist as shit obviously, but.


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[Assistant] Unbelievable. Listen, I don't know how you got Joe to participate in this propaganda machine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You must have coerced him or bribed him somehow. Joe, I forgive you. I know that you don't know all the facts. You only know one side of the story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm empty because I've already drank mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're doing Your Mom's House Live, February 12th, 7pm show. Get your tickets already. Hurry up. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I'm May 4th and 5th at Stand Up Live in Fartnicks, Arizona. May 19th through 20th, New York City at the Gotham Comedy Club. June 16th and 17th, I'm in Manfred Disco at the Punchline Comedy Club. So that's what 2017's doing. It's starting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and, you know, you like to take a shit live, you fart, you spread your butt cheeks. Yeah, you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really enunciates mushy purples.


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[Assistant] He's just excited cause it's a showbiz thing. He likes to be in showbiz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I want to hear all of them. We had a really good time, Charlie. That was a good try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, cause you, you don't know. I think it's easier if it's just the three of us without any sister interference, honestly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The kids with two dogs to distract. It's perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Wait, remember when we went out to dinner the first night they were here? Yea. And I was so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But remember when we were at dinner and I was talking to your dad about his browns?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was getting so upset. She doesn't like it. And so disgusted. Yeah. But you were saying the key is to act genuinely interested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause what was I asking your dad? I forget how, how I got away with it. Cause we did a long conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, would you ever date your mom? And he's like, I really would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are disgusting. She gets so mad at us when we talk about it. We talked about farting, shitting, peeing, so much. You know what your dad really liked? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her reluctance is what makes her hilarious. Your dad wants to be in showbiz and that's why it's like different. It's different. I wouldn't say it's just different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But his reeds are so flat that it's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I like it. He's the best when he's not trying hard. He's the best when he's sincere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's definitely more natural. Yeaah. You gotta catch em off guard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These chairs are so fucking uncomfortable. I'm just trying to get comfortable. I know man. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you, but you're freaking out at the subway employees? Like dude, you're not the Four Seasons, relax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't Subway like the nastiest? Now when you look at it, I used to eat that shit on the road and it's so fake, like the meat is totally processed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything sucks. Even the lettuce is frozen. Sometimes it'll have like ice on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like white people rage over silly things more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, but why was the other lady yelling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White chick thing. Oh yeah. This is the white people get mad about shit that does not matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It ain't about the subway, folks. It never is. It's never about the sandwich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're already ahead of the curb. I know. You're so ahead of the curb. He's got no chance. None.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, it's your jeans. Hi mommy, it's your jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you talking about? You're blatantly lying. What plastic ones? What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know what, I saw the water tumbler because I saw that it was upstairs in the bedroom and it was full.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I saw it full, and then I brought it down because it was full.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, those are really good. That's nice. So first of all, that's a photoshopped bottle. Thank you for submitting your art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've s- my farts have smelled like Tom's, but that's because we've eaten similarly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, here's the real question. Do your browns smell alike?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I doubt that because men's brown tends to smell more pungent than women's brown. So I wouldn't stress too much about the farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're not eating the same thing? I find that hard to believe. You're sharing a home. Uh, it could be bacteria in the house that you guys are sharing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it could be a beverage. Are you guys sharing the same coffee? Cause coffee makes you brown and fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you insist on this? No, I don't like that at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A woman with this haircut? Yes, and can you click on the third from the right there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yes, but only when you start to make your retarded comedy albums.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do the world's only retarded comedian, and I'll do the skullet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a corporate thing. Like if you're going to a regular restaurant and they run out of something, yeaah. They didn't order enough. Whatever, it's Saturday night. But dudes, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazon, Amazon, February 12th, the sperm vine improve. Come see us do the show live. Your mom's house podcast live, February 12th, 2017.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, I'm Glass and god bless this nigga, you know what I mean, what I'm saying? Can I get, uhm, a succulent Chinese meal, uh, shout out to your mom's house, and a high and tight Kamo macchiato, with an extra shot of Stanima, please?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is pretty low and loose, but can I get this at the kid temperature please? Because I got some sensitive chompers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Based with the prospect of having his stock taken, the shopkeeper starts to pull together the cash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go, I cut it off. Guy is real. Guy is real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said come here and let me tickle your pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, and uh, so did you have a good time on lease at the thing today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, be like, hey, hey, uh, hey, look, I saw you walk up, just be like, hey, I just saw you walk up, be like, hey, what's your pronoun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I can understand, you know, I watched Lille yesterday, they have 10 men and they're happy to lose 1-0. You know, they have 10 men and for me you might as well lose 5-0 as 1-0.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always remember, I'm doing a conference, so it's full of French journalists, no, no foreign journalists really in the room, and obviously, and I had my brother and a really good pal of mine, Tags, who was sitting in the back, and I'm talking away, and I'd said before I went there, cause I remember Steve McLaren's famous one, I used to rib Steve about it and he didn't like it, so I was talking about,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, thanks Mommy. Thanks a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm at the comedy club, man! Hey, man!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he wanted to have, like, Scott sex and I didn't agree with that.


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[Assistant] Bit of backlash. In his now deleted post, he said quote, Feldman was a popular teen actor in the 80s. He starred in The Goonies and The Lost Boys.


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[Assistant] Go to ThousandRanch.com and buy some tickets to see those big mushy purples.


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[Assistant] It's weird that you would, uh, she would, she would just leave the wrapper. Hold on one second.


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[Assistant] And I was like, I love my mom. And she was like, I love you too. And like, and then we kissed. Here we go.


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[Assistant] And like, I made the first move, uh, I was like, what's up? And she was like, hey, and I gave her a kiss. It was like a real kiss.


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[Assistant] But it's like, what's the big deal? I mean, just like the gays, you know? It's not like you're over 18. It's like, well, it's a big deal, you know?


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[Assistant] And they're like, see, I had a good time Uncle Tom, Tio Tom.


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[Assistant] By John Reed. Thanks. Thank you, John. Uhm, it's good to be back. On your mom's house. Check it out. I have... What do I have? AIDS. I have AIDS. I'm on the, uh, oddball tour. The farball.


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[Assistant] It's very exciting to be a part of Oddball. It's a major...


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[Assistant] Comedy festival, if you don't know. We hit a bunch of cities. Uhm, it starts- oh you gotta be fucking kidding me. How many times has this happened to me?


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[Assistant] Hotlana, the 27th, and then the tour goes on, man. Go to oddballfest.com. We're hitting a lot of big cities, Chicago, Detroit, TDOT, Holmdel, New Jersey.


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[Assistant] Oddballfest.com, a lot of big comics on it. Brian Regan's doing some dates. Gabriel Iglesias, John Mulaney, Jim Jeffery, John Oliver, Dane Cook.


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[Assistant] So, a lot of people are on it. Oddballfest.com for your tickets or go to TomSagura.com.


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[Assistant] After Oddball ends, uh.


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[Assistant] I'm going to Charlotte, North Carolina, Man Fran Disco, uh, California, New Jor-Jor-Judor Titties, uh, The Ville, Louisville,


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[Assistant] Filler up Delphia and, uh, my own run in West Palm Beach at the, uh, Harry Palm, Harry Ball Beach at the Improv. Uh, TomStegura.com hit the shows page. Jeans, I know you got some live dates coming up.


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[Assistant] Alright. Yeah. Thank you. Please do that. Also, if you go to your mom's house podcast.com.


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[Assistant] It's awesome. Uhm, and also, there is, uhm, obviously merch on the page. Go to tomskara.com, go to the store. We got the DPC shirts, the Bird is Fat shirts, and of course the new Cincinnati Fart poster. So make sure


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[Assistant] You scoop one up. Uh, that's it. Jeans, are you ready to start the show?


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[Assistant] Let me see if I can pull him up. This guy is unbelievable.


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[Assistant] This is the best, dude. It has 5.6 million likes.


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[Assistant] Uhm, he's got like all white hair and beard, so that's why everybody's like, what is that guy 70 or 80? But he's only like 49.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I googled him and it said like, he's a lifestyle guy. Like, I don't know what that's supposed to be.


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[Assistant] Has taken the world by storm since dancing his way onto the scene in a now viral video with his wife.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but he's also a big fan of Instagram, which he uses to showcase everything from all his, you know, activities to pajamas. So here's everything you need to know. Well, it says that he's really good friends with Efron. That's really funny.


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[Assistant] When you've branded your lifestyle, you're onto something, right? I don't know.


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[Assistant] But all he's doing is, like to me when you say my lifestyle is, is like over the top luxury and decadence, it's not really like, it's not, I don't know if that's something to say, like you're just saying I have a ton of money.


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[Assistant] I mean there's something really tacky about showing how much money you have.


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[Assistant] Is he for real? This dude is standing on a motor? I don't know if people do this shit.


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[Assistant] But uhm, it's kind of interesting that somebody is...


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[Assistant] Well I think the other thing that's kind of annoying about this dude is that this stuff seems very calculated.


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[Assistant] Okay, well enough of him. Let's get back to this lady. Now I feel like this is the lady that did the coffee.


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[Assistant] Yeah man, this is a really exciting stuff.


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[Assistant] Let's see, we haven't had her in a while. Let's see what she says here.


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[Assistant] This kind of shit, you know, I feel like I could see you going down this path.


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[Assistant] The whole introduction to that, like, have I been doing this? No. But will I? I plan to.


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[Assistant] Because I have a cold. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you?


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[Assistant] You know, there's a lot of other things you can do. You can detox, you can do kind of fasts and you can do all kinds of shit and you got to go like, you know, I'm gonna drink my own piss. Like why you have to take it there?


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[Assistant] But just to make it clear, people have done it who have cancer, the medical world does not support it as a treatment.


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[Assistant] I'll be, it'll be something like I'll have like a sinus infection, and then you'll be like, you know, I don't have one, and...


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[Assistant] Why doesn't this go over when I click it?


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[Assistant] I know. Is it because she has a cold? She's like, I'm gonna take it outside.


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[Assistant] It's not, it's not like a, like I'm gonna pee real quick to do this. This is what I pissed last night.


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[Assistant] There was a kid, uh, this only thing that I could take it further than that was in high school.


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[Assistant] I went to this, uh, a buddy of mine, we went to this other kid's place. The kid lived in Melbourne, which is, uh, in, in Florida, like a little north of where I was in school. And it was summers, you know, it's so humid in Florida, right? Oh, Florida, it's a swamp.


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[Assistant] Man, it's like at night, it's full 100% humidity. Oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] You're just dying. And we get in this kid's house and, you know, it's like a Saturday night.


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[Assistant] So we're just hanging out drinking and we're gonna crash there. I walk in and I'm like, dude, it is fucking brutal in here. Why is it so hot? Well, he's half, he's half Vietnamese. Mom's Vietnamese. Dad's American. He goes, my dad just likes it to be more like Vietnam. And I go,


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[Assistant] First and only time I've ever heard anybody like- I went into trailer parks where you go in the trailer and they have-


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[Assistant] And I go, dude, I don't think I can crash here. And he goes, well, we have, we do have a unit.


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[Assistant] In the, uhm, like the guest, there's like a guest house thing here. You could stay there and go, yeah, that's where I'm staying.


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[Assistant] And I go in there and he has a fan on and I'm just like, it's a ceiling fan.


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[Assistant] And I, I pass out. I just pass out. And I wake up. The ceiling fan.


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[Assistant] Broke in the middle of the night. There's pieces of it everywhere. And the kid...


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[Assistant] Turned on the heat instead of the AC. So he accidentally had the heat cranked.


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[Assistant] That's the only thing that sucks about living in like a poor, well there's a lot of things that suck, but one of the things that sucks about living in a shitty poor building is when the freon ran out. So all of a sudden one day the air is running and there's warm air coming out and you're like, uh oh. And we call that guy down.


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[Assistant] And this is, like, Saturday, let's say. In August. Yeah. I had his balls. He goes, uh, alright, woah.


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[Assistant] So, I'm gonna have to put a snake in there, pull everything out, so then the water will go down.


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[Assistant] He's like, yeah, it's cause it's backed up, won't drain. Got it.


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[Assistant] It's not gonna go down until I do this, so. I know.


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[Assistant] Can I borrow your soup bag? And I go, what? And he goes, your soup bag? And I go, what the fuck is that?


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[Assistant] It's a bag for a suit. And I go, oh yeah. And I was like, I'm not even gonna tell them what that's called.


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[Assistant] And I just, I was like, I don't think I have that man. I asked him like, he had to say it five times.


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[Assistant] The best part about this, some people will know if you live in cities and you've moved from a shitty neighborhood to just a better one, the first phone call you get that you don't expect is for car insurance.


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[Assistant] Your car insurance goes way down. Way down. When you move to a good neighborhood from a bad neighborhood.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and I had thought about it. I got, I was talking to our insurance one day after we moved.


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[Assistant] Your payment is now half and you're getting a refund because I didn't tell them we had moved and you're going to get like a $600. I was like, what? Why? And they're like, well, you moved from like a horrible neighborhood, uh, where carjacking


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[Assistant] Yeah, she's got mental problems though. Sure, sure. She's got real mental problems.


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[Assistant] What I'm saying is, it's the same thing as the district, he's like it's right around the corner.


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[Assistant] Uh, typing this, we, we, we got this today. I'm a huge new found fan of yours. Uh, I heard Christina snort when she giggled and burped and thought to myself, this is the type of woman I want to be listening to.


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[Assistant] Then, uh, your mom's house, or should I say your mom's house, I've been hooked to both, uh, that's Deepro ever since.