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[Assistant] Yes, that's actually the biggest ingredient. You gotta value it and have the discipline too.


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[Assistant] Or some people's, um, gage, like some people's.


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[Assistant] I remember, uh, for me it was like what started the whole weight loss thing was just looking at Bert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true, and just thinking like, I don't want to end up like that. That's a cautionary tale. Yeah. So that was, that's what did it for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see he did like a green screen promo last week? Yep, I did. And people sent in, like they, they fucked with his green screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So y-you know he did this? No. He did some- he went in front of a green screen and like was like, do whatever you want to this video. Okay. And then people have- Make me cry.


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[Assistant] No, they're over. Uhm, I don't know what he's doing with these.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, he's like, would you rather eat Asian food for the rest of your life or be retarded?


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[Assistant] He does that. I mean, I had like a joke about it in my act for a while, but it's totally true if you said


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't know, if you said you're German, he would find a way to bring up World War II. You know, I mean, just because like he just, he goes for the information that he knows. Okay. Same thing with race. Like if you're like, you know, I'm, uh, if you said I'm Japanese, at some point he'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He likes, and he likes it to work out where, I mean, in his perfect world, you're gonna talk about the thing, like, in today's world, I think people will be like, why are you, just because I'm this doesn't mean I'm honestly, but in his world, in his mind, that is, that is connecting with you. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally. Or if you're black, he would definitely be like, I mean, he wouldn't bring it up, but eventually, like, if, if, uh, you know, sports would come up, he would, he would hope that you'd be like, play ball. He'd just ease on in. Yeah. He would just, he would hope that you'd be like, yeah, I play, he'd be like, yeah. Yeah. That's true. You like rap?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is on this thing, of course Christine is smart, but he brings it up, he says it in a way, he says it in a way where the implication is, how are you able to keep up? Like is the way he talks to me. And I'm like, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yeah, so we bought fartmistress.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. So, we now own fartmistress.com and if you go to the site, you can send a message to my mother encouraging her to be the fartmistress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It goes to us now and we can send them to her. And a bunch have come in. And we really, we're trying to get her to do basically what the fart princess is doing right here. Which is, you know, just do authentic videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is tough to say. That's the thing I've noticed. She's younger than you think. I've been paying attention to this so much more lately. How different, like once you hit 50,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are people, there are guys and women that are 53 that look like they're gonna die tomorrow. And then there's people in their 70s, even 80 that look amazing, which obviously a lot of that's genetics.


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[Assistant] And surgery. Surgery, but also upkeep, care. Upkeep's a big part. Yeah. Let's face it. Yeah. Money to do that. But, but jeans, jeans, you know, you have to have. I thought you meant jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're at the age now where I'm starting to get shit where...


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[Assistant] They laugh when they say it. They know it's an insult. They do? Yeah. It's funny how they know that. My cousin was my cousin. My nephew was being super cute. And then we're on that playground and he goes, Hey, I bet you can't do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. And he climbed up on this thing and he was like swinging off of it and jumping off and he goes, I bet you can't do this at all.


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[Assistant] I'm not gonna waste my time. Yeah. Doing that easy shit. And you did it. I know, but I also wanted to like, set him straight on talking shit, like. Talk some shit. You can talk shit to a lot of people, it's gonna be different when you talk shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had this crazy elaborate playground for kids, but it was, you know, it had metal bars that curved up and twisted around, so the kids play with it a certain way. As adults, you could grab onto the metal bars and actually swing yourself up and jump over things, which is not built for that, but you know, people were doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember we watched that TLC show where that lady had craze, she was like, I've never cut my toenails in like 40 years. And they were all crazy long. She was like, I can't get a job. And they were like, you can get a job. You just don't want to cut your toenails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she had some weird fucking guy who was like, man, I'll do anything for her. He was like, I'm just here to help her, you know? Like, he thought she was wonderful with her. I mean, they were long and curly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The adventure of the nail clipper is not exactly known, but the United States patent for an improvement in a nail clipper seemed to be in 1875. Hungarian inventor David Gestener.


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[Assistant] It's not all clear, let's see, uhm, what happened. I'm trying to figure out what happened before them. How were they cut before trimmers? Uh, and if you've used a paring knife, that's how fingernails were cut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing. I hate that. Those really bother me, man. Me too. Super long nails, dirty nails. Yeah, I don't like them.


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[Assistant] Race has been really a huge topic in this country for the last few weeks. In America? Yeah, I think just briefly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there is a new accusation out about how white people are exploiting black people. Okay. Do you want to know what it is? Sure. It's digital blackface.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like she needs a translator, but uhm, so I mean, there's people listening who are definitely like, wait, what? So what she's saying, yeah, her accent is pretty strong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, you know, if you don't know, blackface, minstrel shows,


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[Assistant] And I totally understand that being, but now it's...


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[Assistant] I feel like, I feel like there's, this is beyond a reach. I mean people usually, usually I think when you search for gifts, you search for the emotion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In other words, you're like, you type in in one of the search engines like happy, uh, you know, excited.


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[Assistant] Kevin Hart's gonna come up somewhere on it, and it's like, this person is saying that that is unfair and racially exploitive.


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[Assistant] Right? I mean, gosh. I mean what? Why am I always drawn to this?


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[Assistant] I mean, I would say the most popular recent drops are-


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[Assistant] I think the black fist is you're trying to say- That's cultural appropriation. Black power, for sure. Right. I mean, it's clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black face with the turban. I send that one when I'm like, let's go to a different restaurant. There's too many of them. I'll put like that here. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually don't send like a black woman blowing a white guy. No, no, no, no, you can't do that. That's super disrespectful. You can't do that.


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[Assistant] That's, that's better. That's better. That's more race friendly. That's more respectable.


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[Assistant] So is gypsy a bad word? No, but it's something that you could have...


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[Assistant] And she was saying she was saying that she teaches me Hungarian.


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[Assistant] And she goes, oh, let's hear what you know. So I was running through the words I know and she goes, Christina goes, he only knows bad words. And she goes like, what? And so I go like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, he was great in that. Well, he did this really cool interview where he, uhm,


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[Assistant] The Hollywood Reporter interviewed him just a short while ago actually before he died. He's 91.


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[Assistant] And he granted them the interview. It's in his house. It was voluntary. It'd be like us saying, do you want to come here today? And you're saying, sure. And then you show up and then you're like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the interviewer starts by saying we're doing this thing about people who work into their 90s. Like the entire interview.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and in later years, like in the last 15 years, he would do things like an evening with Jerry Lewis, and then, you know, an older crowd would go to a nice, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever seen video footage or photos of what Vegas was like? Yes. What was it like, like 50 years ago in your eyes?


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[Assistant] It was the other side of town. Yeah, and it was far less developed. I mean, a totally different landscape.


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[Assistant] This sounds like, this right here is an impromptu question. He wasn't going to ask him what was Vegas like. He's trying, he's like, maybe I'll talk about Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's bothered, maybe he's just bothered that they're doing a piece on old pieces of shit. Right, and he's just gonna take them down, waste their time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you know the other thing that could really bother you? So he was so famous.


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[Assistant] Wait, I know the Seinfeld one for people that don't know was, uh, he was doing an interview when Larry King Live was still on CNN.


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[Assistant] And he said, like, now your show, was it, uh, it was canceled, or? He was like, what? Really, Larry? He was like, it was the number, we were, what are you talking about? And Larry was like, whoa, sorry. He's like, canceled. Like, we were the number one rated show, man. We're top show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and he, uh, and that you could tell bothered him. But he didn't turn into this. No. Now what did Paul McCartney do?


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[Assistant] Especially, you know, we're not talking about, it'd be different if right now you ask Seinfeld, if like you're an interviewer and you're like, so what's your show can't, like, let's say you didn't know. Right. But the time you're having the biggest TV star from the biggest show on, and the show was pretty recently


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[Assistant] Over with? Uh huh. And like not, let's say, so you don't know and no producer lets, like how do you not know that?


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[Assistant] They look good. You're right. And you know, he did, he was smart. They're not too white.


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[Assistant] You know what sucks probably for someone like that though? Everyone that really he can share a story with and laugh is dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can have this thing happen where if they don't, let's say they don't see them for years and years and years, because that bond isn't formed,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they see them 20 years later, they can actually be attracted to them.


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[Assistant] Because the bonding wasn't formed at the very beginning, right?


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[Assistant] I was adopted at birth, but when I was 17 my brother found me on MySpace. He showed my sister my MySpace page and she said he's cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A few months later, I meet my biological brother. Of course he brings up what she said when she first saw my pic. He, her and I laughed awkwardly and carried on with the conversation. Definitely weird though. I would not date my sister. See you in St. Louis tits in October, Ryan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That thing happened where she saw him and she was like, he's cute. And then he fucked her later, but not at the time. Interesting.


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[Assistant] Well, there was a mother and son that did. That one we have. We've played that one extensively. And that one is 100% super disturbing.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I mean, you can't do that man. They got arrested though.


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[Assistant] No. We're in love. They, uhm, let me, this is, uh,


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[Assistant] I can actually show you what they look like if you're interested. This is them.


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[Assistant] But this clip didn't make sense to us for a long time until somebody mentioned that thing about being, like now, not that I encourage it, but now I feel like, oh, I think that's what happened. I think they didn't see each other for 20 years and then this thing morphed into something that it's not supposed to be.


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[Assistant] I might? God, Bobby. That's gonna be a gif.


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[Assistant] I mean, I feel like as a dude, I would be running in there and being like, I know this is crazy, but even as you guys are yelling at me, I'd be like rolling up that blanket.


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[Assistant] How else do you, I mean, I've been, I've been black out drunk a number of times. I've never had something, I've puked.


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[Assistant] And I mean, I mean, uh, crazy shit.


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[Assistant] God, I remember how horrible. And that's the thing, the next day after those, you would never, no one was ever like, that was fun. Right. It was always panic because, because of the blackout, you had no recollection. So I'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened? And then you have the anxiety of somebody telling you something terrible. Yeah. So it's like, it would always be like, you know, your friend would start with their head shaking. You're like, what, like that kill somebody? You know, and then they're like, well, no, but then you're like, oh my God, like.


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[Assistant] Terrifying. It's terrifying, man. Cause it's not supposed to be like that, you know? It's a scary thing. You've never blacked out?


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[Assistant] I told you about that one where I went to a thing with work people and I started interning here in LA. And I went to that, uh, sushi place. And we were just, I was just pounding, it wasn't ever clear, but I was pounding liquor drinks. And then I was talking to a group of them and I was super fucked up and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they told me, I don't remember, they said I puked telling a circle of people a story.


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[Assistant] And then the guy told him, he goes, after you puked, you know when you, when you puke, you spit at doors like to kind of clean yourself of it. He's like, you were spitting like, everybody was like, whoa. And then you, you turned back and you went right back into the store.


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[Assistant] I didn't know how to just enjoy, you know.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no. You should have. No, but I didn't always go that hard. But I also, you know I didn't know how to do, like, have a drink and just hang. Enjoy the bottles. And if something wasn't exciting going on, I'd be like, well I'll just keep drinking, you know? In other words, like, if there's no...


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[Assistant] Disaster. Of course. I had that, the worst part of that one, of the puking one, was that, that was like a Saturday night, so you recover Sunday, and Monday I went into that job and people were like,


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[Assistant] She was 20 some years older than me. Who would kinda like say...


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[Assistant] You know when somebody says something with like a, she was delicate about it, she was tactful about it, but like almost implying something is there and I was like, what is up with like, not even like that there's something, but she was like saying, she would imply something familiar. You know, like I didn't even know her. I'm like, who is this person? So I remember.


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[Assistant] After a week of working at this place, I go, have you seen, I don't even remember her name, like the way...


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[Assistant] Uh, uh, Shannon, uh, looks at me or, or says like some things and they're like, yeah. I'm like, don't you think that's kind of weird? Like, I've never even met her. And they go, you made out with her. And I was like, what?


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[Assistant] I think at the time I must have been quite the, the, I was her getting her groove back or something. Cause I was 21. Right.


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[Assistant] She had a hairy ass, it was my style, but she was, she was very plain, plain Jane, like very, very just, like unassuming, you would walk right past her, wouldn't think anything of it, you know, and, and I, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was filing a complaint, I remember being like, and I just, what I decided to do was just act like everything was completely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. Cause I also hooked up with, I hooked up with someone more age appropriate at that office. And then I acted the same way. I was like, I don't know you. And then. Oh my God. But actually that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ended up not obviously working in offices for the rest of my life, but that experience taught me how horrible an idea it is.


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[Assistant] You know what it taught me to respect? I respect more, as I got older, the person who has zero social interaction with the people they work with. I know that's a smart person. That is the smartest person in the office. The one who's just like, I can't make it to anything on Friday or Saturday. I'll see you on Monday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In hotels, because we stay in hotels all the time, I will see, you know, go downstairs, have my, my dinner, and I look and I see the group, they're like, alright Cheryl, see you on Monday. And they're all, yeaah, and they're all toasting, and yeaah, it's all work stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to see something? By the way, this is a, we had a talk about why there's hot farts.


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[Assistant] Confidence that this explanation is correct? 88% a bioengineer.


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[Assistant] But that makes sense because what happens when a fart's super hot and it stinks, you go, ooh, something else is in there. And it's usually a not nice shit that's following you. Oh man.


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[Assistant] The last time we had him in the grocery store I feel like was more recent and he was legit fat. Like he got fucking fat. This might be older.


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[Assistant] He won't answer us. We've offered money. So many times. Years. He won't answer us. Good question. It's a good question.


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[Assistant] Look at that, look at that. So much.


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[Assistant] It's like oil, it's like whipped oil. There's eggs.


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[Assistant] We, I wish I could pull it up. I might be able to. Let me see here. Let's see if I can, if I can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was looking for that for a King Ass Ripper. He, uh, he, we had him on the show semi-recently. He was in a grocery store. And man, he was huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He kinda gave up on the farting. He, he's just, he's more into the gluttony now, you know?


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[Assistant] Full fucking, fully committed to being the grossest, like fattest, fartiest guy on the planet. He just doesn't give a fuck.


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[Assistant] You're just farting on a plate of food, it was just extra nasty. He wants to be the nastiest dude around.


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[Assistant] Tell me before we go too far and forget, uh, where you're gonna be in September where people can see you. Oh, come see me.


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[Assistant] September 13th. That's Ebor City. That's what that is.


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[Assistant] You wanna, you wanna entertain the ho debate? This is found this way on the interwebs. This dude makes a good point about hoes. Let's see if you agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, I think I should pay him the respect to at least let him, let him continue explaining. Because you may or may not agree with him, but I think it's an interesting point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of consideration for your fellow man, especially in public and enclosed, smaller spaces, waiting rooms, you know, the gate at the airport. It's like, what are you fucking doing man? Your lack of consideration just speaks


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It speaks more volumes than your cell phone does. It is fucking so indicative of how self absorbed you are to have that loud ass speaker phone conversation. You're a dick. That's everything I wanted to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're 100% spot on. So then the conversation becomes, or the argument becomes, is that acceptable? Is it acceptable that somebody's definition could be different than yours? And it could be a word,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you don't like, but maybe the definition suits that person's own lifestyle. It's subjective. It is subjective, Tom. How about you though, as a woman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there were some old ass women right next to him, he wouldn't have said it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think eventually you would befriend your rat friend. You know, you'd be like, there's a rat here. You'd be at peace with all the rat shit everywhere. I think eventually you'd be at peace with the rat. The rat is terrifying in its newness as well. You know, like you go, what? But imagine if it's like a year has gone by, you're like, yeah, there's a rat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a variant. Uh, I really feel like, I really feel like, I mean Matt kinda solved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, with the shower not always being there, that is a horrible, horrible life. So, I feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it. Uhm, I still, by the way, I got such, I put a call out to what should I name my new special. And so many people said you better call it Just Glass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm just saying, imagine this, imagine one of your nastiest, like, like the shit where you go like, I'm gonna be here 15 minutes, clean this up. What would it be like to do one wipe and stand up and pull your pants up? What would that be like? It would not be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno. It's tough. It's a tough choice. You're gonna have an itchy ass.


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[Assistant] There it is, uh, Christina. You can check her out at ChristinaP.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She still has, she still has most of them. Uh, there was the one, I remember when I started dating you that was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, your email address at one point was like, God hates, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we got a song. Matt Mercer, who's been hitting home runs on the songs. I haven't heard this. This is in the file. It's called Fuck Me Tonight. Cool. That's the outgoing song. Matthew Fullchart, Fullchart, thank you for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a pleasure. I mentioned before you got here that, uhm, uh, Australia were gonna go in April.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the studio used to be right by my house. I used to be able to walk over, drop science, leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See Brendan Walsh eating 7-Eleven pizza. Speaking of that. Unacceptable.


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[Assistant] And that's the thing, I mean, if you can get McDonald's for a dollar, why would you get ghetto ass pizza for two dollars?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we used to eat sober post skateboarding, which is a little bit of a high, but we were young enough to stomach 7-Eleven chili and nacho cheese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All rules should be shouted. All good rules.


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[Assistant] There's something special, I haven't had a 7-Eleven hot dog in probably about 30, 35 years, but they grease it up. They grease it up. And there is a certain amount of magic to, uh, see how it's always on that roller? They put canola oil or lard or whatever on there, and it's actually very good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, there's Burrito King right there. I know. Burrito King was right there. Fucking Hard Times Pizza, right there. I know. Sushi. The fuck's he doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I still got to go back. Every time? Wow. Yeah, I mean, I think I quit twice, and I got to go back three times, or go back twice. That's impressive. Yeah, kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny. Basically what I did was look up video tapes all day that was in the library. And so all I had to do was basically a Google search, but back then no one knew how to do a Google search.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. He became a fan of that, and then he was in later episodes, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was sitting in traffic on Santa Monica Boulevard and I had Maryland plates still. And that plate, it's, these kids pulled up to me and they're like, hey bro, Blair Witch, is that shit real? And I just go, no. And I was like, what the?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got little snore noises on her pajamas. Zzz. And there's sheeps on them, right? You count the sheeps? And the other one is that, like, for some reason I can hear, I know this is on video, but I can hear a film camera. Shooting at 24 frames a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think she talked like that when she was 20? She spoke like that. No, I think people like think it's fun and cute to talk like that. And it's part of their charm and it gets more disgusting as time goes on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I know she voted for Hillary. I know that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You pick it like 25, and then you just head down for another 60, 70 years. Take me now, Jesus!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you gotta have a babysitter. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah. You gotta value that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the lesser of two evils though. I guess, yeaah. Because it could be your wife, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is interesting. This is not an entry level episode, folks. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever do that by the way? No. No. Never done it, have you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How old do you think that woman is, the one that shit her pants? It's tough to say, right? It's tough to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when that thing was like, you and Bert were talking one time, and Bert was like, yeah, that guy's our age, and you're like, my man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, once you realize that you can't look cool anymore, it's like you just stop trying. It's the best part. You know, what are you gonna do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. 10 year old. My nieces call me Pat Pat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so sad, man. You gotta put your feet away. That's what I'm saying. You're gonna be criticized. If you show any skin, you're gonna be criticized. All I'm saying is just wrap that shit up, man. Wrap it up tight. On a plane? Yeah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Files? Maybe? I think you walk, if cavemen walking around on rocks and that kind of filed them down or something? Maybe. Yeaah. Because when you let your fingernails go, I've seen it in the Guinness Book of World Records. Yeaah. They're all twisty and turny. Yeaah. And they, they, I don't know. That's strange. Why would God make that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if he, if he, if he wasn't gonna make the toe clipper until like, I don't know, 1000 A.D. I don't know, dude. Maybe that's what your spouse is for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see what it says. If history has shown me anything, the time is gonna fly by. Yeah, it's surprising.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so they always cut to black people overreacting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They always smell like homeless people no matter what. At Del Taco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, but in a nice way, I think. I think the person with dreadlocks actually likes Bob Marley. That's true, it's kinda- Maybe more than likes- Yeah, loves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I have to give up Billy Dee Williams. If I have to give up liking him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I like that. I had someone send me a black thumbs up one time, and I thought they were just kinda being cool, like trying to spread it around, like it's not always about the white thumbs up. No, Matt Folstron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're in a safe place. That's a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. You know, that's because we have like go fuck yourself, which is kind of an abstract idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I have respect for my elders. Uh, but I didn't, I never got, I remember my mom rented cinderfella for me and I was like, what the fuck is this? It just moved too slow for my, my young brain. And that's pretty much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's about all I know. He was great in that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, man! Just not gimme- it's just stone. So, in like 1951, it was- it's not the same? Or it's the same exact as 2017? Totally the same. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it was classy, smoking cigarettes, drinking whiskey, dressed up, uhm, nobody's wearing shorts. Nobody's white pasties are showing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's other footage of Jerry Lewis acting like a dick at the telethon. Like shitting on the band for playing the wrong song and stuff like that. Oh really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Larry King's like, we'll be right back with George and Ringo. And he's just like, or he's like, we'll be right back with Paul and George. And Paul's like, it's Ringo. It's Ringo, dude. You don't know who the Beatles are? Right. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and they're still airing it. Yeah, man. Like, constantly. You think that show was cancelled? Like, silly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally true. And how far you will go with said family. He's right. What's wrong with that? That was the premise of the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aren't there a couple stories where, uh, there was a story like last year where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, where it's father and daughter. And they don't know each other. And they get together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, there was also a story, I think last year, where it was fraternal twins, a man and a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, cause the damage is already done. Yeah. Marriage is an afterthought. Oh my god. After you've already blown your son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now do they go- both go to jail for murder? No. Cause they both have the teardrops, or is that like a genetic thing? That- that's a dead giveaway that their families-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like it for sure. Incest is the new black gift.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on me. Now just let me dry my hair in peace, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. So I came back to my dorm the next day and they're like, there he is! They're like, what the fuck happened last night? I'm like, what are you talking about? I only have four beers. That's exactly where my bathroom would be at my parents' house. But I mean, that's grounds for expulsion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know it's nuts because they weren't really that mad at me. That's what's crazy, or they must have really understood what was going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, I was drinking that night, four beers though. That's not really a four beers kind of move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Action? It's like, just keep drinking. That's the mistake I would make. I would just hang out for too long, be like, well, conversations are kinda over with everybody, I'm just gonna keep drinking until something happens. Or,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before Uber was around, I'd go out in LA in my twenties and just be stuck at places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crowded, you can't really talk to anybody, I just, I guess I'm just gonna drink. Yeah. Disaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. Interesting. Seems like he wants the publicity and the attention. Interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just get the double double. Do you go animal style or? I usually don't mess with animal style. I get the raw onions. Get pickles. Crazy. Who wants a kiss?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a good head of hair. This guy. Yeah. He could go the other way. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's one thing if you put on weight, but it's another thing if you're, uh, publicly. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. The question is, would he be doing stuff like this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would he be doing this if there was no internet? If there was no one to show? I don't think so. Thought provoking. No, he would not. There's no way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what that is. Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, with the Y and the B. Tampon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TheFullCharge.com, the full charge power hour on iTunes. That's all you need to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the rat would start to learn your routine too. I don't think the rat likes you that much either. So, he comes out at night, he comes out in the morning, he starts to get your routine down. I would get a pair of boots and live with the rat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't had experience with this, but then you start controlling, like, their meals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a tent has a floor, but at this moment it's one or two here, right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have one good wipe, you know, you know what you're doing. We've all been there where there's only like a couple sheets left. Yep. You can really be very efficient. You move slow, apply pressure, and go slow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check it out. I got a couple episodes with Tom and Christina on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One night only. One night only. Tampa Improv, September 13th. You motherfuckers better be there. Check them out. I'm gonna come over to your house, I'm gonna smack the shit out of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the current study compared man who drank four mugs of coffee versus four mugs of water for three days while eating the same food. The result? A guilt-free cup of Morning Joe for the rest of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I'm back with another upload today and by the title of this video you may have worked out that I am going to be doing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy to getting a girl, the guy to getting a girl, the guy to getting a girl, the guy to getting a girl, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Machines but thin. But I feel like something bad's about to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I'm trying to sing my song. I'm trying to sing my song. Uhm, okay, here we go, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have another beat down for you. I tried to practice my song. This is my introduction to my song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A part by country music fans. He lip synched on the CMA, the country music awards, whatever that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you who wouldn't fucking do that. Wheeler Walker Jr. He would have sung that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Old Wheeler's been banned from every, he's about, I think we're gonna see Old Wheeler on the Supreme Court in the, arguing his case that he's being censored. Target, Walmart, they won't plug him in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking too dangerous, man. Yeah, that's too bad. That's your pussies, that's why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they have no idea what's going on. It brought me back to, look what's on page one of my drops page. Monkey Todd. Remember Monkey Todd?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he got on TMZ on their, uh, the ones they take call in, I think of the internet show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was talking about where to do- I guess that's just the- On Harvey. On Harvey. That's just the uh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like sports anchor guys, yea. Like they're funny, but they're, you know. They're sweet. They're nice guys, yea. I mean they're kind of boners, but they're like nice funny guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So happens man, you play with mom, you never know what's gonna happen, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking love that stuff. Yeaah. It's like, it kind of is uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's, to me, it reminds me of the, hey mommy, thanks, Jean stuff. Yeah. I almost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forgot about how much fun that was. You should, if you listen to the show now, uhm, I can't, you know, give it that much context all at this moment, but you look up, I think there's, there are some on YouTube. If you look up Hey Mommy, Thanks Jeans, with a relation to your mom's house, it's where we got people to go to drive throughs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And basically refer, like, use jokes from the show in their drive-through orders. It was amazing. I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy shaved parmesan onto my plate and I go, wow, good job, Jean. He was like, you're welcome. He doesn't register.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good job. Really impressed with where you poured that water, James. Good job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not played sports growing up. So yeaah. I'm not into that. But yeaah. We have a different word for them too. But uhm, yeaah. So I saw Murder in a title and I was like, let's go see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, uhm, you know, in, in a thriller where there's, you need suspicion, you do need to like, uh, lead people and then misdirect and then, but when you do it like 10, 11 times, it also starts to be annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, on the train. They never show them going, and they never talk about it. It's kinda like that Martian movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you were on this train for days. It's what the next movie will probably be about, is what I'm thinking, when they do a sequel. Where do the dogs shit and piss?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A series. Yea, that's right. I thought we could, you know, I know you have some TV meetings coming up. I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought for the dogs pissing and shitting, you could call it, where do I go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes they go. And then you go, I need, I need three acts and I need 22 minutes and I can blow people's minds in this country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you hold it up like that and you show them like, there's a picture of my dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, oh, that's adorable. And be like, do you know where he shit and pissed today? And then they'll be like, I'm sorry. He went in the backyard cause he was home. But what about when you see a dog on a plane? You know, like right away you grab him in like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was one of the original great ideas on this show. A pitch where you take different breeds of dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On a walk and you explain to the viewing audience their habits and behavior and you know the history of the dog and then you masturbate the two dogs and then you see if they have different styles of orgasm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking ABC and Fox cause they do racier stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's on the dogs and stuff. Yeah. Okay. You're a cute blonde and you go like, Hey guys, you like dogs? And then at the end of the dog episode, the dogs come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So right now you have a show pitching dogs shitting and pissing and coming. I can't think of a more exciting talent moving forward for the networks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would tell him this, I would say this, I have a couple great ideas, I wanna surprise you. Don't tell him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At all in advance. Just drop it on him in the room and I'm sure he'll be like, yeah! He'll really get on board with it. I've known him a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really good question. I mean, I'm, I don't know how they did it period in that era. I feel like now we live in an era where they're like, they'll build an area for dogs. Airport. There's like relief area for dogs, but that's just like the 1930s or something. 20s, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck me and my asshole, man. I didn't like that at all. Uh, what is this, a question for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a 33 year old woman. I've been suffering for over 20 years. How are you able to get through with pregnancy? My biological clock is ticking with the thought of morning sickness is terrifying. Thanks Amanda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta get, you gotta, full disclosure, I'm not recommending you take this, you need to talk to your physician, don't fucking, I didn't make you take it, you have to ask. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many years? I've known you a long, but let's say we've been together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we started dating in 05, so yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, speaking of dog cum and vomiting, uh, I guess...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of dog cum and vomiting, uh. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I thought it makes total sense to go into it. Uh, Louis CK has been in the news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he's one of the, the titans of our, of our industry and, and, you know, obviously if you were alive, you've paid attention to it. Probably if you follow comedy and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like comedy podcasts, you're probably well versed in already, but there's this, uhm, you know, there's this shakedown going down, that's probably the wrong term, but there's this, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The jizz down that's going down in Hollywood. No, it's overall, I think it's actually a really good thing. It's like checking some pretty horrible behavior and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm talking about, I mean, when I say checking behavior, I'm talking about across the board. I think it's good to check, um, powerful people that are abusing their power. Um, and I think obviously the Weinstein one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is massive and he's a, he's been raping people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy. And then, you know, I made some jokes initially about the spacey one. Yeaah. Because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I, I, you know, not that it's whatever, it's not, it's not like a good thing he was doing, but I thought he was just kinda being, uh, you know, overly flirtatious on the set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, oh, he's just, he's, he's doing what some guys do to women, but to guys on the set of House of Cards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stories came out about him with like 14 year old boys, attempting to rape one, supposedly raping another, and turns out, I mean, at least how it's being portrayed is that he's a fucking savage, you know? Uhm, and I think those guys...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll never work again and should never work again. And some, and I think, you know, I think Weinstein might go to prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're like, they're investigating trying to find a way to charge that guy with a real crime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if they're going to further, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he's been, he's been defended by show business people for a long time. It's one of the more alarming things. If you don't know the Polanski story, you can read it in detail, but he was convicted in Los Angeles County.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of sex with a 13 year old girl in a hot tub that he gave champagne to. I don't know if he gave her a pill. He uhm, you know, had an agreement of a certain amount of time to be served. The judge either retired or died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so like the replacement judge was like, no, no, you're going to go to prison for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His defense, I'm paraphrasing this stuff, but like, was something about, yea, but the last judge said we had a deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, 30 years have been like, nope. You have an open warrant for your arrest if you're ever in, you know, around, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] U.S. territories or anyplace. Anyways, all that stuff, those guys are, it's horrible. Uhm, with Louis, you know, the thing that, uh, first of all is just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've heard the stories for a long time, you know, uh, particularly- Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I thought it was one of the things that I'm like, hmm, is I'm hearing some of these comics go like I didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I, I, I, here's the thing about, my, my thought on it is that what he did is not okay to do. Yeah, clearly. It's really not okay to do that to people, um, especially if like those people are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like in a position working for some, like if they're working under you and like you're the boss basically in the room. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a lot, I don't know if it comes across really callous, but like, when that story broke and when the consequences started, you know, coming to be,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt like a lot of empathy for that guy. Not because I thought it was okay what he did, but like I just started thinking about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody with, you know, he's got two kids, like two daughters and like, and I know that the answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To that is like, well maybe you shouldn't have fucking done that then. Yea, of course. I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I'm not defending it or minimizing or diminishing what he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is uhm, you know, I, I can't help but like I feel like that is a fucking devastating, uh, price to pay, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's been dudes doing that. I've never said this, uhm, publicly, but I have my own experience with a person who I worked for very early on in my show business career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, living in Los Angeles and it was for, working for somebody, uhm, in a position of power who did something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a very inappropriate. And I've told you about it. I don't want to get into details. I don't want to out the person either because I just don't know what the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of those things that people always, you know, bring up with these super talents that have these flaws or these, you know, like your Polanski is obviously a great director. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it's kind of crazy. R. Kelly. R. Kelly's, yeaah, for sure. Uhm, you know, he's a... It's real talk, man. He really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the other part of it that affects people like us with regards to Louis is that we're, we work in his field and like, you know, Cosby seems so separated from us because he's like 50 years older and like the way he came up, but like we,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have like a certain bond with Louie because Louie's kind of like the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even of comedians who aren't friends with him, like you go like, wow, like look at him doing this and this and this, you know, so it's like, you kind of want to, we've all kind of been like in awe, even if he's not your, like I know some people are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Content wise, they're not like into him or whatever. Look man, objectively, skill wise, he's such a skilled comedian. It's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. The whole thing. I mean, it's sad. I feel like that it happened. Like sad that he did that and sad for the women that experienced it. Of course. But I'm also sad at the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like someone's, you know, life being just totally ruined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Close to him, making it about like his manager, it's like, I don't know what the fuck that's all about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, like you're gonna mislead the person that you're wanting to help you cover for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know people are already going to jump on us for the way that we're phrasing this, I guess, but uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just feel like part of what's going on right now is there's like a hysteria, uhm, which again, the end result is that it's gonna, it's gonna check people in power to really think twice before they pull their moves. And that's a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That poor son of a bitch, too, that came out against Spacey, he was 14.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's terrible, man. Um, I don't know. Oh God, that's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, uhm, maybe, uhm, I could maybe, uh, mix it up or change the speed a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By, uhm, telling you that we finally got some more She's Retarded mixes from our listeners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really, really taken over and, you know, there were some she's retarded's that came in last week. We played and some were okay, some were better, but there's some definitely better ones in this week. I'll give you a couple here. He's, uh, uh, the club mix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this a song? This is Tim from Australia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the one, that's great, that's Tim from Australia, thanks Tim. Thanks Tim. The one I've been waiting for, I told you I met him, uh, finally a few weeks ago when I was in, uh, Austin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gaping Dad. He's sent in some of the great hits of your mom's house music history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, he's an OG and uh, he made a She's Retarded, so, you know, I feel like some of our uh, producers, our music producers on this show are, have earned it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here we go, ready? Finally, the world premiere of She's Retarded from Gaping Dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is. I'll tell you what I'll do, this song is actually a full length song. I will close this episode with that full song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a rapper. His name is Scrim. He also goes by Suicide Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I want you to pay attention to what Scrim is saying here because I feel like you could learn a thing or two. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got some stipulations though. I got some stipulations, man. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You couldn't. You're also not black. He said like a bitch with a black bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you ask for a darker, like why don't you paint your asshole black? You know, that's what I would say. Can you paint your asshole black?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's much easier to wash your asshole than to get it bleached.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a little stink, a little bit, but not a lot, a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just got, he's got very clear preferences.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been with bitches that got hair coming out of everywhere. I was with a girl once, I thought she had a pair of balls in her panties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, it was just like so strong, right? Like there was so much bulk. I mean she was just a hairy, hairy broad I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I try to, yea, I try to trim it pretty. I mean, sometimes I'll forget and I'll look and I'll be like, woof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like Baby Beaver's been around for a while. And I, I gotta tell you, I had a few Baby Beavs. I'm not that, like, it doesn't, it being hairless doesn't really do anything for me. I prefer the landing strip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or when a dude shaves, like shaves a perfect patch over it, like when it's really well. You see that in porn? Yea, it's like, he shaves like how I would shave a beard line. Like the porter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I poured it on your beard, yea. Isn't that weird over a dong? Like it feels like it should be, like, you could trim it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but yeaah, but I'm saying like some of them are so meticulously shaven, I'm like- It's gay. It's a little homosexual. Yeaah, it's a little much. Yeaah. It's feminine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people are real anti-hair, look at my head. You are, I know. I'm like a fucking space monkey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've done different things, but then over the years, this front area has thinned out. And so I believe in like when you're thinning in an area, you keep it short. So we've been keeping it short, but then the more that it thins out, it's like I get a haircut and then a week later I'm like, oh, now it's just like glaringly thin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does. I don't feel like it does. It does. So it's like, uh, to me, it's like just throwing the towel and go, Oh, I'll just go shorter so that the haircut lasts longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just feel like I'm getting haircuts that last 10 days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were like, uhm, and I walked in, I was like, what do you think? You're like, it's different. I was like, oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did I first mention it or did I first write it down? For like a card. I forget. So I think I mentioned it. I think we were at...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think because we had dinners the night before and the night of, right, of his birthday. And so it was all of us together and I said, oh, like, mom, dad turns 70 tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna give em, uh, are you gonna 69 em tonight? And she goes, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did I 69 for 70? And I go, no are you gonna, are you gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys gonna 69 tonight? Cause it says last night being 69.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shaking his head, and then everyone starts laughing and she's like, what? What? And she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's something, uh, and my mom's like, sexual. And she's like, yeah. And she's like, what? And they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're trying to be, you know, polite about it. It's just, and she's like, please, tell me. And she's like, okay, you know, like, a guy puts his mouth down on you, and then you go down on him, and she's like, what? So they're like trying to like paint the picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I, uh, you know, when she finally figured it out, she was like, oh, and just, you know, rolled her eyes and was like, that just sounds horrific. To her, it's like, you might as well be like, can, can dad shit in your mouth tonight? So, but then, uh, later on I go, Hey, you know what you should do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If any of you, this is how I propose you do it. Get a camera going, or at least an audio recording, but camera would be better. And ask your mom, regardless of her age, let's say your mom is 47, be like, hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When dad, when dad's about to turn 70, do you think you guys will 69?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, will you guys 69? And just see if they laugh or they get upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, if they're over 70, you just go like, hey, when dad turned 70, did you 69 him? Like as a birthday present for turning 70?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, if your dad's dead, be like, if dad was still here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think you'd 69 him on his 69th birthday? So stupid. It's so stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just thought that would be the mountaintop, like, aw man, one day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone said here, there's a Jewish prayer for shitting? Nooo. Uhm, from Blue Band. I thought this was bullshit, cause I've never heard of it and I grew up super Jewish, but it's totally legit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the English translation of the prayer, usually referred to as the bathroom blessing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The prayer is said while washing your hands, post brown or yellow, rather than during the act of elimination, as Bun suggested. Tina, let me preemptively satiate your curiosity. If you have diarrhea, the blessing is recited after each instance of said diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, this is a real shit-centric episode today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're, uh, promoting Mother Inferior with, which, uh, if you have not yet seen, uh, Christina's Netflix special Mother Inferior is, uh- Where is it? Mother Inferior?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On Netflix? Netflix. You can see it all over any of the many hundred thousand countries that now have Netflix and it's streaming and it's really great and it's really well received and so you've been promoting it everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Skippy peanut butter and Jif peanut butter, which do you like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Skippy and Jif. It was Charo and I called her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, between the shaky parmesan cheese, the Kraft one or the fresh shaved parmesan, which do you like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she goes, she gets up from the toilet and she takes a shower immediately without wiping even once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't see the difference between doing what she does and just going kaka in the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's wrong? I'm trying to set the, uh, nevermind, trying to do that there. Again, problems, you know? Yeah. Problems make my dicks off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like to pop a few blood vessels when I'm sitting down, you know? I don't want it to go that quickly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about this, machines within question. Oh my god, I love it. Hi mommies, I've been practicing on, what is this? Cutler, the Killer Clowns Flow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. Am I reading this wrong? Maybe I need to open it up. No, cut-cutter. Uh, and I've come to a mental block. Oh, that's the guy, right? He properly expresses his disgust for haters with the lines, F the haters, F all the haters, then follows it up with the line, much love, no hate. Well, which is it? What's real? What's fake?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he's denouncing haters while rising above it himself. Could Cutter be Jesus? Or is he just a Terminator's Matrix? Happy Halloween mom, he's Brian G. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're wondering, by the way, why this computer is here, it's smaller, it doesn't have all this stuff that I normally do, I had a computer problem today, had to swap it out last second, just to do this episode, otherwise I'd be playing you some machines within. But yea, but that is a great question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we'll try to get more, obviously if he keeps creating content, we'll keep playing it here, so maybe we'll see if he does something in the same vein later, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One arm question. My boyfriend and I are hardcore black guys who love to fuck and love your podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were thinking to you, to, to y'all tug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had the question, if a woman has one arm and gets a manicure, does she pay full price? What a great question. Looking forward to your infinite genes, wisdom, machines within, F all the haters, much love, rub, rub, rub, rub from Holly and Baron, Texas. That is a fantastic question. Jesus, that is great. What do you think of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's really like, I don't know, there's only one way to really find out. I think we should call a salon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. Okay. Because it makes, it's a, it's a actually a really excellent question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My wife, I'm trying to surprise her, she wants a manicure, but she has one arm. Does she have to pay full price?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and she has one foot, so can she pay half of the pedicure price too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, that's the discounted rate. Yeah, cause she's got, you know, she's got one foot and she's got one arm. Okay, that sounds like a great deal. I'm gonna send her there. Thank you. Bye bye, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. She said I've never had that before. That's kind of surprising to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, but that was a really good question. Another good question that came about dick tattoos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On episode 421 you talked about weird places for tattoos and mentioned the poison penis tattoo. I immediately thought about how that tattoo session went. I imagine the penis would be, have to be hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great question, Kelly. And if there's any tattoo artists that have ever done a penis tattoo,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That could, uhm, enlighten us on how that goes and whether or not you have to be erect and if you lose your erection, cause I imagine that does apply there, you know, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know that that's one of the first drops we played and then this is actually the same lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe this is pushback against all the fucking, uh, people that have for years now say, oh, pussy stink, wash your pussy, your pussy stinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not that stinky. I mean there are stinky boxes out there. I'm sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't be perfect. Come on, please. Uhm, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you, I know dicks, I know balls, I know things that smell, I know it. It's really my wheelhouse, man. It's really, really what I'm good at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before I give you our listener dental update, you've been saying, and actually you know what, when this first came up,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With, you know, obviously my friend Fatt, uh, Bert, who, um, can you imagine, you've seen his mouth, right? Oh, it's a garbage dump. Yea, it's just, it's horrific. And he breathes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been, I've had panic attacks about losing it, so I probably should get a backup. Or make this the backup, get a fresh one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really love it. And actually, there are times now that say I get into a hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, Oh, I'm so tired. I got to take a nap. I just won't even open my bag. I don't sleep as well. Like I, I mentally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not as comfortable now. Cause you're used to that? I'm used to it being there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This isn't a plug for, you know, I'm not saying, I'm not telling you about one, I'm just saying that like, if you do snore, and uh, you wanna have a more comfortable, fuller night of sleep, this is what has helped me. And it helps the person that sleeps next to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here are, uhm, yeaah. Anyways, I'm gonna get it done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I definitely looked, if you look side by side, the last one, yeaah. It's definitely different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially, well, I think if they've never seen me before, they'll be like, who's that fat guy? But if you know me from before, you'll be like, oh, he looks better. He looks way better. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, here's another email we got. We get dental updates all the time. As a reminder to anybody that listens to this show, if you ever want to send in a song, if you ever want to send in a link, if you ever want us to watch a video, if you ever want to give us a dental update,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The email is always, don't do Facebook, don't direct message, don't do it. Always hit us up at the Gmail address. That's the official email address. We have thousands of emails and they've all come in through there. That's where we check them. It's your mom's podcast at gmail.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey mommies, my name is Brandon and I have a dental update for you. I've been listening to the show for a few years now and I used to fast forward past the dental updates because I was so ashamed of my teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm 27 years old and my teeth are starting to look like I've been eating rocks all my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't have dental insurance, so I didn't go to the dentist for over 10 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The early onset dad mouth was real, and my jeans were pretty low and loose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It got so bad that I wouldn't smile with my teeth and it was affecting my self-esteem and happiness. After I got a new job with good insurance, my triple D slut wife, who has a great set of chompers on her, convinced me to go to the dentist to see what we could do to get the ball rolling on fixing my teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The good news is, over the course of two months, I got all 16 fillings. I am now finally cavity free, no longer ashamed to smile. I didn't know how good the white fillings...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This has got to be devastating. Uhm, this is a, I'm always a fan of a coach that goes over the top. This is a youth hockey coach. Uhm, Littleton Hockey Association removed this coach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the team. This is a youth coach. Uhm, it's come to our attention of a video involving one of our coaches. Uhm, and one of their assistants has been circulating through social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This says that they basically found this to be completely unacceptable. I find it to be completely hilarious. And this is the coach in the locker room giving the pregame speech to the kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm this kid right here, ear to ear smile, like this is the best, like loving my coach talking like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that coach said something there, he goes, they're gonna, we're gonna beat them so bad, they're gonna wish something. The best version of that I ever heard was a football player one time said in an interview, he said, I want to hit people so hard that they don't want to play football anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But think about that for a second. People say things like, I want to hit guys so hard, they shit their pants. I want to hit them so hard, I knock their helmet off. This guy said, I want to hit people so hard, they don't want to play football anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different, uh, path that I was going down. Let's talk more of sports.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is inspiring. And did that ever happen? No.


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[Assistant] Threats go a long way though. Threats are good. Alright, well I think that's it for today, Jean. It was definitely a fun time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's so great. Uhm, thank you all. Oh, don't forget this, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In our store, the Christmas sweater is 100% profit to charity. We're doing the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles. So there's multiple Christmas products and there's obviously other, you know, we have shirts, I have signed vinyl, I have mostly stories signed, completely normal signed the vinyl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's albums, there's shirts, and we have uhm, some, uh, holiday stuff, like Santa Claus is black, Santa Claus is Asian, Santa Claus is Latino, and we have a Santa Claus wears jeans, uh, hat, like a winter hat, you know? Yeah, it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you see the Christmas sweater that says Santa Claus wears jeans, that's all going to charity. That's awesome. So uhm, and we'll, you know, we'll document it. We'll show you like, however we get the toys or just give them the money. It'll be like, we'll video it and put it up so you can see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the, uh, the jeans one will sell out really soon, uhm, for sure. Alright, that's it. Thank you guys again for listening and, uh, we'll see you next week. Bye Jean. Bye Mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you get the oil in the hand and you rub, hand go like this, you rub, rub, rub, rub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sweden is the most forward thinking country in the world when it comes to questioning gender. The gender neutral pronoun hen is now commonly used by most Swedes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mika and Nico were both assigned male at birth, but in this family, the sex you were born with does not dictate your gender identity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anymore, just do it like we always do it. That wasn't so much to ask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I invited myself. Is that true? Yes. I said, you know, if you ever need a guest, I'd love to do your podcast. So. No, I'm happy you're here. I learned my lesson spending last year alone on Christmas Eve, Christmas and my birthday. You know what? Speak up. When you have needs, speak up. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I can't be rejected, and I get to know my video game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they just really like balls. Uhm. Here's something you'll never hear about pornography, somebody watching it. I wish the sound was more graphic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More smacking and drooling. That's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've only seen five seconds of this clip, but the first thing that comes to my mind is she's desperate for auditions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, the boobs don't look natural. No. No. Extremely made up for it. So it's like if you're gonna do the whole menstrual blood thing,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not not wear makeup, you know? Why not be completely stripped down, completely as you- I'm not saying be naked, but be as you are completely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and probably because nobody else has done that. So it's like, oh, like the episode I was listening to where you guys were talking about possum, possum guy and purple lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if it was this, if it was this set of a James Cameron movie, her hat, you would go, ah, they put a little too much effort into it. It's the most ornate


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God bless her. You know, if that makes her happy to do that, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it has the opposite effect when people look at it, they go, oh she's so lonely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had the decency to do it in the parking garage. Go to the roof parking where nobody is. And, uh, I went on, uh, and I never get auditions. And it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of a sudden, it's a Steven Soderbergh movie I'm auditioning for, so I'm super excited and, uh, I do this, uh, Republican character, uh, sometimes for, for comedy and I thought, oh, this guy's perfect for this audition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as Steven Soderbergh, it's probably gonna be an award winning movie. That part's gonna be, but I'm probably gonna get an award for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the thing that probably most people know me from. Yes. Comedy Central, Half Hour, and stuff like that. But I don't do stand-up anymore. And Christian, too. Yes, when I'm not doing anything, I'm at the Christian Science Reading Room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have an agreement with the entertainment industry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They won't show an interest in me and I won't show an interest in them. And we've both kept our end of the bargain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I go on, uh, Carola's podcast. I do it on Jimmy Dore's. Jimmy Dore does live shows, so I do it there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some YouTube clips, I put a fake campaign ad out about, I don't know, 10 years ago as this guy. But it's really fun to do because it's kinda like my picket sign of when I get pissed off about shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People that are hypocrites, so I just pour it all into this kind of clueless character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost cartoony, and now reality has caught up to it. So it's really just rearranging the reality into a punchline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Where's he a representative? Actually a lot of times when I do it, people don't know it's not a real character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Oh yeaah. Cause his, his views are like, you know, one of the things he says is, is, uh, Mexicans make two things, tortillas and trouble. Oh, that's fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that somebody gets so into something. It's just so hard to take it seriously when it's so niche.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I think all of us, maybe I should just include myself, find something I like and get, we were kinda talking about this before we started recording, get ridiculously into it. Like when I discovered-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, when I, when I, uh, discovered good wine for the first time, I mean, I'd been a drinker all along, I'm sober now, but I'd been a drinker all along, but I'd always thought, oh, wine, you know, that's for pussies, you know, what's the big deal? And I was buying, uh, a friend of mine a bottle of wine, because he loved wine. And I said to the, to the clerk, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, if I give you 50 bucks for like a bottle of wine that you think is awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'd like to try that. And so I took it home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it blew my fucking mind. And within three months, I had 24 cases of vintage wine in a rented humidity controlled storage locker and was searching for wine every day on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's that way with everything that I get into. I run the wheels off it. When I got into photography, uh, taking pictures of dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Within the first year of having that camera, I took so many pictures, the counter rolled over. Oh my god. Which means over 10,000 pictures. Oh my god. Do you have a real obsessive? Totally. Totally obsessive. Yeah. I've never, uh, I've never done anything in moderation. What is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it doesn't really matter what the substance is. It's the trying to distract yourself from the discomfort of being in your skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I still do that, but I'm not obsessive about it. But it was to the point where I would be at dinner with my wife, now my ex-wife,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she would be saying something to me and I would be half listening and the other half of me would be saying, uh, what kind of joint? Should I do a dovetail joint on that thing or what kind of wood should I use?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know now looking back, because I'm not as obsessive about things, that it was a way of me distracting myself from shit I'd buried as a, as a kid. But uhm, it, everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sugar rushes. I'm just coming off a one year Ben and Jerry's bender.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, American Dream. What's in that? It's so perfect. What's in that? Let's talk about it. It's vanilla ice cream, but like really, really good vanilla ice cream. They have the best, yea. And then fudge covered, uh, uh, chunks of waffle cone. Fuck yeaah. And then, uh, caramel squirreled in. And every once in a while you'll hit a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's out of it now. It was a while ago, but he was. I've been in that vortex. It's, it's, yeah. It was bad. Your brain is saying one thing and your body is just going fuck off. Fuck off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the longest time you've ever spent looking for a porn clip?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a specific one, but you know that when you're looking at porn and you're not just like, alright, I'm just gonna look at this and I'm gonna jerk off and get the anxiety out or whatever, but you're like the hunt for the clip. The perfect jam. You're getting, you're getting high off just the anticipation of- This is gonna get real dark real quick. Yeah. For me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I've gone without eating. I lost weight one time, I went on such a porn, porn binge. It was shortly after I got out of my marriage and I didn't want to feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's like two categories. There's the one that released the drugs in your brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's the ones that are just kind of interesting to you. Like I, I like, um, like vintage hockey fights. I like those, but I don't like get high from them. Right, right, right. But like porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you do on the sidelines if you see her starting to go over the edge? Cause there's a fine line there. It's like you don't want to be controlling or insulting or feel like you're objectifying her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then once a week he sees a dominatrix to let go of all the control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I look at somebody like that and they might as well be from another planet. Like I used to look at people that would only finish half a beer and I would just think,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the very least the, uhm, au pair. Yeaah. You know, if you don't have enough frequent flyer miles to go to Paris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we taped, when I was doing dinner in a movie, we taped 10 days in Italy, and so I did like a crash course, and so I learned, you know, just, uh, una bottiglia di acqua minerale, per favore. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those things like that. It's like five, like five sentences. But people so appreciate it when an American takes the time


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To learn their language, because most Americans just come in there with a sense of entitlement and they're just dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so it's like, oh, okay, they recognize that we are a fucking country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I christened the house I live in now. It was empty. I had just taken ownership of it, and I had to take a shit. So I go in there, I take my first shit in the house, and it's one of those shits where you're like, there's not enough toilet paper in the world. So, I get in the shower, and there's not even a shower curtain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Diet I think is the biggest thing. One of life's really most sublime pleasures is the shit where you wipe and you go, I didn't even need toilet paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, did I miss? Is there a piece stuck to my leg? Cause this is too good to be true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, my dad used to do that too. Uh, who would like a Heineken's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was listening to, uh, Simon and Garfinkel. No. And I went, no dad, it's, it's Garfunkel. He goes, oh yeah, Garfinkel, that's the cat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sports, that's, that's the only thing I watch broadcast TV. Yeah, exactly.


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[Assistant] I was until, you know, after they won in 85, 86, uh, and they just took the team apart for money, I was like, why am I frustrating the fuck out of myself getting behind a team with more care about winning than the fucking owners? They're the only, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Professional sports team where it is the sole business of the owners. So I understand that they treat it more of a business than as a hobby.


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[Assistant] Like Jerry Jones where it's all about his ego and winning. But the Bears could use some more of that.


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[Assistant] For decades, the saints in the 70s were


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awful. And they had, and, and, and, uh, what's his name, uh, Archie Manning was a fucking great quarterback.


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[Assistant] Do you think it's they know when to give up control and not micromanage?


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[Assistant] One of the greatest examples of that, the, uh, uh, Bill Wirtz was the owner for years and he was despised by the fans because he pinched pennies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he, he was a dick. He treated Bobby Hall and all those other, Stan Makita, treated those guys like shit. Money was the only thing that mattered to him. And when he died, his son, Rocky Warts, took over. And, and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Attendance was in a 30,000 or whatever, uh, seat stadium. Uhm, there was maybe 12,000 people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rocky Works took over, he started bringing back the Hall of Famers, honoring them, he got good GMs, they started drafting wisely, they got Kane, they got Tays, and it is one of the most profitable sports franchises ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Change your philosophy, and when they won, uh, a Stanley Cup, all the employees got rings.


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[Assistant] Some people have terrible, terrible, I mean, I've never heard left right, but I know north-south a lot of people are fucked up by that.


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[Assistant] The only way that I've always had kind of an obsessive need to know what direction I'm facing and it's one of the reasons I don't like flying into cities is because then I don't have a bearing to start with. Like right now I know I'm facing northeast, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's just like this in- Wait, you know you're facing North East right now? Yea, I didn't know that.


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[Assistant] How'd you do the mountain toss? No, it's just a, it's just a sense of, of, uh, I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. I don't, I don't have to think about it because I'm always thinking of things as a grid, kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when I get into curvy shit, then I lose. Like when you get into subdivisions where it's all curves. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I would bet the next day they're depressed because you're depleting all of that. That's like when you take ecstasy, uh, you're depressed the next day because all that, you're withdrawing all that dopamine or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really does. It really does. Have you ever spooged so hard that you hit your own face? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I hung one on my glasses one time in college. I had to laugh.


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[Assistant] Hands down, it was sex with a girl in a car, she was a single mom, and


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[Assistant] And she presented it to me to clean myself off with a baby sock.


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[Assistant] It's, it's less the concept of it than it is the presentation of it. The presentation of it is always kind of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think she's, I think that he spends most of the marriage sitting there with that look on his face, and her reaction with that look on her face. And so that reaction is gonna be probably remind her that he doesn't fuck her anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Used to love when we would swear, because she was raised really Catholic and really- So your ex-mother-in-law? Ex-mother-in-law. Okay. And when my ex moved into my house, this was, you know, our apartment, I don't know, 25 years ago, a friend was helping us move along with the mom. And so my friend, my mother-in-law,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I are carrying this futon down the stairs and my friend doesn't know that she likes swearing.


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[Assistant] And so as the three of us are carrying this down the stairs, I turn to, uh, my, my mother-in-law and I go, I can't wait to blow some loads on this baby. And my friend, and she starts laughing and when she would laugh, she would go, and my friend just looked at me like, what the fu-


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[Assistant] He likes stamps.com, and he knew our website.


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[Assistant] What's happening? It's a, she's doing it on purpose.


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[Assistant] I already know. I already know. Cause we're talking about a guy that looks like her.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this chick is what's up, dude. She's promoting man milk.


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[Assistant] Yes, what are you talking about? This works? Wait, how is this not working? What part do you think this is not working?


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[Assistant] How is this not an official dental update? I'm sorry. I mean, how is it not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll have to search for it. Stinger, whatever it's called. Stinger. It's right here, but I just don't know why you would, uhm, ignore our agreements. Dental updates are dental updates from dental time only. You know? What you're doing is wrong.


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[Assistant] On Monday I'm doing a double whammy. Teeth cleaning and whitening.


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[Assistant] I'm not gonna make two trips. I'm doing it for my own, cause I know myself. So it's like, you have me there, I'm like, just sign, sign me up for it.


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[Assistant] I kind of feel like I would like to start maybe that position, maybe start that movement.


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[Assistant] And that you're taking my product, my male product.


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[Assistant] I think that's part of cum gum or one of your own fantasies, but cum gum was to have different flavors from different men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's ringing a bell. That's ringing a bell. But, gum gum is all these different guys of different races are dumping their loads and making gum out of it.


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[Assistant] You think CBS is watching this conversation right now or no? And they're like, what about these two for a new sitcom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, yeah, let's check him out. And then we're talking, they're like, uh, who else is out there?


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. So, I mean she's a really cool chick though. I like her. I think she's cool.


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[Assistant] I really, you know, I never really thought of the fact that you were totally taking advantage of me but I will say that she is enlightening me in that regard.


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[Assistant] That, that is a, I mean, it's a level of disrespect, it's a level of manipulation, and I just deserve, uhm, credit for, and maybe, maybe I would like you to stop taking advantage of me, you know? Maybe that's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my theory is that she's European, but she moved many years ago to like Canada or the US. And so she has a hint of an accent. Maybe she moved when she was like 9 or 10. Yes.


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[Assistant] So stupid. What a dummy. What are you talking about? What a dope.


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[Assistant] That was one of the most amazing women people ever to appear on the show. Ever.


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[Assistant] People have sent in their, uh, photo submissions of what they imagine that she looks like, and they're out of control. I've retweeted a few of them. Amazing. Amazing. Have you seen what they've sent?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was great. This one, Louie Anderson, from the, uh, what's the story? Chuckles or something? No, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like she, you could probably charge her with sex crimes. Yeaah. You know, I can almost hear the prosecutor saying like, uh, defendant, your honor, came over to my victim, forced herself upon him,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And did horrific things that frankly we do not want to even describe here in this courthouse.


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[Assistant] You know, it's like, there's, you can, you can feel that she is so many bottoms. Yeaah. Like they were like, I was real fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't, I mean, I'm doing the regular, I do my hand gestures, I do like a punch or like a gunshot thing, sometimes a leg kick, but I don't think it's any different than, you know, another time of the year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did that one, I did that sitting up, which was different. Sometimes I'd lay down, but I did it sitting up and it got like a real interesting pitch on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she didn't watch anything. You know, since we're talking about this, uh, I figured we should bring up this email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommies, after originally hearing about your podcast through Tom when he was on Joe Rogan, I subsequently became addicted to listening to all the shenanigans YouTube provide for us all. Your segments are hilarious.