[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we're on a whole new platform right now? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was kind of our thing, wasn't it? Our sketches would, we'd pretend our sketch stopped because somebody got hit and then we'd just go into the song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I would unless it was just like a real parky butt that you just slice like a square out of. Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So just 12 photos, or like are we talking about one of those 365 where you pull one off every day? Oh hell no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you watch Kyle's NFT, it's like that movie The Ring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh bro, I guarantee you that shit exists. The cock ring, it exists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Support the Arthurs. I feel like all those guys in those theaters are named Art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are gonna lose, they're gonna be like, yo, this is important, it has the best drops. They did the butthole drop, did you get it? Oh, it's sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we switch it up though? So like somebody, like it's, it's my base and then like Adam's base next time, Kyle's head. Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a garbage pail kid puzzle, where if you flip them all over, it's the butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is just the outline of a, it's the silhouette of something. It's just a silhouette of a pirate ship. Yea. Right? It's not like you can see the dementia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of details are you looking for? Well, details is, that's an arbitrary term to use. It's just the silhouette of something, of an object. Well, I'm saying is there shit in the middle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To prove that he can see these things, he obviously can't. And he's like, the dolphin, of course. I'm like, you don't, you haven't seen shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, can I, can I tell you guys something? That's a reach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My homie Brian got like cast as like a bare knuckle boxer and he's like, yo, my other buddy dropped out. And he was like, can you, can you come do this? And I'm like, what is it? And he's like, we're just bare knuckle boxing shirts off in front of the like drummer from Kid Rock. And I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, that's Hollywood Breaks, man. I could have quit then, and I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'll find it. Was it the one where he says, I'm gonna fuck you like I'll never see you again? Oh, by the way dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You played so much of it, I thought they were going to play like 10 seconds of it, I'm like... There's no change, there's no...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I'll say the coolest thing about it is that I shouted out Volvos, uh, over 15 years ago. And, uh, that's the take a row. Look at those Volvos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And remember, they wanted to make it like, um, like the cool 80's boxy Volvo, and we were like, no, that's cool. We want it to be like that in between, like, not great, not cool at all, no style Volvo. It was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The British version haircut that the same guy had with like the little tails coming off the side. And like, oh yea, that's a bad haircut. And then he just looked hella GQ and I'm like, what's happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the twisted looking one that has the glaze and on the inside it's very like croissant-y.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's a good, that's what I need to get to. Whatever the largest size pizza is. That's four pieces. Big mamas and papas. Half of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a kid's birthday party. The kids lose their minds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a red-blooded American.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad's the same way though, cause uh, my folks were in town and I just grabbed zanku for lunch one day. And uh, I just got my dad some chicken with some like, pita and hummus and whatever and he was like, so suspect over it. He was like, how do you do this? Just uh, you put it in your mouth and chew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's my question, would you eat, uh, Adam, mostly for you because you're a steak guy, you eat steak. Mine is a wheat. It's science. Would you eat a cow that was cloned? Oh, clone me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's like cloned, it's like, it's not, it didn't come from uhm, my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like people, so like people, people who got cash are having, they'll have like a dog die and they'll pay like 250 G's to have the same dog cloned and grown. So they just, dude. That is the sixth day. That's the sixth day. That's a re-pet. Yeah. So would you eat that dog, Adam?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. Cause it's the same animals. It's the same amount of animals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is Kyle, Kyle's the only one who's farted on the podcast, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I want to apologize to, uh, Simone Manuel, a famous swimmer, uh, who's at trials right now. She's another person named Simone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We talked about digestive worms, two episodes in a row. I didn't realize that. Yeaah. I said it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sir, you cannot have your hand down your pants in that section.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just like you, I go to Fuddruckers. Right. Cause I'm in the city. Cause I'm Abe in the city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well Abe just moved from the city. So you're kind of, he's in the city for the first time. It's Abe in the city. It's kind of his story. But you are out of Fuddruckers that just recently got the ostrich burger. So you're kind of pushing the ostrich burger on Abe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, of course. That's why you got the part. Okay, okay. Yeah, of course. No, you have to do it with the accent. Otherwise I don't want to hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ders was placed there as a sound man and a cameraman, but actually secretly the judge. Ders, what did you think about that from your screenwriting, um, uh, uh, uh, point of view? Background, profession.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have walked away sooner. That's where the editing comes in because that's your best friend. You leave one less, then you cut that stuff out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, who, who did it? I mean, as far as my world, as far as my world, I know, like, globally, like, I don't know the person who made up the word grass, but somebody taught it to me. Uh, but, and... Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that where, where the actually the phrase of leave them wanting less kinda came from because we'd get up on stage and it'd be fire for a little bit and then it'd always have a little dwindle in there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they always grow because bits get added and then it gets inflated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a lot. You had to bring all the costumes, all the fucking video shit that we needed to project it, had to output it, cause we would do di- like, show sketches and we'd do live sketches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was very tech, yeah, it was tech forward, especially for a nightclub performance. Cause that place that we performed at just turned into a nightclub as soon as we were done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, oh yeah, dude, because, because we were backstage doing the show and then as soon as it turned into a club, that backstage was like the VIP lounge. So not only were we in the club, we were in the motherfucking VIP lounge, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did you, you did a, you did a really good one. I listened to where you were like, we were talking about like sushi rolls and you did, that's how I roll. And I was like, that's a good one. That's how I roll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I hear you, Ders. And I'm happy to be disciplinarian with you. Blake, get on your fucking game, doggy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's species. It's the same reason why What's-his-face fucked Dren.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But was his character, was Adrian Brody's character attracted to- I know, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was trying to liken Adam's dad to Adrian Brody's character and species. It was a pretty bad-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Captain Jean-Luc Picard. That's Captain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but was that his, but was that his motivation in the movie or was he like just so enamored with this species, the new thing that he built? He fucked, he fucked her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but it is a species. It is a species, right? You can still say that that's a new species. Mmhm, absolutely. That's where I got fucked up. I think he was just trying to fu-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's in shaman, that's the story of water, what was that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. That was mandatory viewing in my house. Like my mom made me watch Laugh In.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that, but that was impossible to keep going because I had so many, so many dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe we need to start making sketches again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you not pay attention? He was, he was like, he was a sound guy but he was actually judging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you not? He was a judge disguised as a sound guy in the whole premise. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was weird. I did not expect it, dude. And honestly, welled up tears came out cause it was like, I'm never going to go have that interaction where people are looking, you're like, what are they getting? It really hit me hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so, cause this is all just rentals in general, like the death of it, I've known about it for years, I know, but it's like, just fucking hit me hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, hold on a second, Blake. Do you need media to tell you how to feel, or can you just feel based on premise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was something also that like struck me where it was like there was a finite, there was a finite amount of videos that you could get like sometimes when they were saying you had to wait for the, for the movie to come back. Like I remember doing that because I wanted to see something that fucking bad, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember when I had my accident- And now it's like you just get everything. I can't even choose what the fuck to watch. When I had my-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Is that, did that have the owl one where it's like how many licks does it take to get to the center of the tootsie roll? Was that a lot on, uh, played a lot? That was just a commercial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it would go into the owl cartoon. But yeah. Yeah, fuck yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this was the same writer because it has to do with Bananas and Durswasher when he was a child and then it was on, there was a- It's gotta be the same guy. It has to be, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that, that, I, I was like, what the fuck, I only went there for like a semester and a half, I think. I kinda was like, fuck that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TK's like a local, he must have signed up early or something. I was coming from NorCal, I guess I signed up late, I don't know. Couldn't get in. TK just showed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's a guarantee, bro. That's a guarantee. That's why you stay away from that guy, if you really wanna win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, very good production value on it too, like it's all, it's all very glossy and it feels so good cause he's got a guy who does that shit for the news. Right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's a Florida guy. I think he's coming out of Florida. I think that's what's up. I think his name is, I know his moniker or IG thing is Upside Down Creative Media. What's your IG moniker? Is it moniker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I can actually vibe with that. I get it. That makes sense. Yeah, I'd say you're the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a wizard. You're a wizard, bitch. Yes, exactly. Old as fuck. You can't defeat me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The youngest soul is either Blake or Adam. Who is it? Is it Blake or is it Adam? Blake's the one who's drinking a Bud Light right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I love slides, dude. You're the best. Ders, you're the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like Durz has been 40 since the day I met him and he will be 40 until the day that we both pass on the same day. What's cool is you guys


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all starting to converge. Like I'm like, Oh, fucking cool. It's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the only one that works. Thank you. Thank you. No, it's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is my shit. Fuck yea dude, that's tight. That sounds industrial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To bring it back, remember when we did that sketch with Jillian where you had to brush her teeth and your teeth? Like we did that early in our career, Tales from the Alternate Universe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The premise was, it was a group, it was a group of, uh, we were gonna do a bunch called Tales from an Alternate Universe, and it was just one thing, it was our world, but one thing different. And that one was two people, Blake and Jillian, set up for a makeout session, and essentially they go in for the kiss, and then they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, pour toothpaste on their toothbrush and brush each other's teeth in a very intimate fashion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, is that how it ends? Wait, what the fuck? This is horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so the running of the bulls is not that, but the matador still, also I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the thing about running with the bulls though is it's like super dangerous, right? Like if you're not running fast enough, you're gonna get pegged by those fucking horns, dawg. Yeah, that's true. Dude, I'm running fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I've seen you run, I've seen you run fast in my life, but like, dude, I don't want to see you getting hit by a horn. Nah, I won't even get hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but you wanna run with the bulls where they're trying to fucking stab your butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're going to poke you in the butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I'm excited to see that flick. Very excited. Yeah. Some funny pranks. Hell yeah, dude. Eric rocks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, summer Thanksgiving. I'd like to, can I compliment? You can. You're beautiful. I'd like to compliment Mother Earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'd like to compliment, uh, Anders, uh, for being just a fucking radical dude that I just love his opinion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just awesome. Looking forward to the next season. Uh, and you're out there with them dudes. Yessir. Pumped on that. Thanks y'all, I'm very excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, baby, see, sounds good. It's natural. And Blake, uh, well, congrats on that, uh, that, uh, congrats on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever hit that shit when you're not on the pod, when you're just like, late night drunk, thinking about us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a little bit of a lion's den of, uhm, a little shouty. Oh yeaah. It was a ball of energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that was green M&M's. What? I thought it was just green. If you ate green M&M's they made you horny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The green, the M&M's are actually filled with testosterone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that shit? Where that dude found the bomb in the thing and then they made a movie about him? Oh shit, yeah, Clint Eastwood made that, yeah. That's right, he did. Was Michael Johnson the world record, uh, like 100 meter and 200 meter, was that Atlanta, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still a name. It's still a name. Who is named Simone? Yeah. Hold up though. Hold up. Who is named Simone? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, she's the first to win seven maybe consecutive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to get paid to get punched by that dude or his brother or his cousin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, whatever page. This is an amateur. So everyone's like, oh my god, this regular Joe, who's been working out like a motherfucker, is about to beat this dude. He's big. He's about to beat the greatest boxer of all time and put like white people on the map. I'm not here for it at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I do want to hear what he has to say. But like, it is crazy. It's crazy. And like, fight like a dude in your weight class. Like get, get in there. Work your way up. Like Mickey Rourke never was like, I'm gonna promote myself to go fight. He fought like nobodies at his level. This guy is not trying to be a boxer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who would you want to see, but you, these are people you want to see die because it is to the death? Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. So we're up there and my little one is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Emma goes to check the dookie and sure enough there's a little worm going wah wah wah wah wah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we're like, well, he's got pinworm, so we have to like, all take this medicine, and then the next day, my big dog is like, Dad, there's a snake!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, I'm just checking my dookie everyday. Different than Dookie Tramp. That's cool, so how do you check your dookie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How big was this thing, man? How big was the worm? Like, uhm, a half inch long. Like, I said a half a schlong. So it was pretty big. So your kids?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was one. So he was three and a half, he was three and a half or whatever, almost, little more. But he just came out and was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ma'am, there's a worm in my poo poo. And you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you guys call the big worms blood suckers back in the day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, leeches? Big earthworms? Yeah, for sure. We always call them bloodsuckers. No, I've heard them called nightcrawlers. Cause why are they nightcrawlers? Cause they come out at night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you don't even know. They're just parasites, they live in you, they eat your food. Uhm, and I guess like, if you don't check your dookie, it just takes like three months to cycle out. So you guys have all probably had them for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the new saying instead of yoke on your face, you got a little worm in your butt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you're not maintaining your hair, the lice are like, yeah. But then if you're playing near, they literally jump from head to head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like funny until it's not. It's like the dudes who jump out at people at Halloween and then just get socked in the mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's the deal? You're doing chemo? Do you get to like have local grub? Or are you on a certain diet that they got you on for this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it? It is crazy how funny he is, uhm, and no one seemed to write him something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would he though? He's kind of a buffoon. Yea, I know, but he can, he can fuckin' lay pipe though. Uh, it's funny. Get it? Cause he wouldn't be able to, so it's funny. I know, there's weird jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a nice little shout out though for everyone out there who uses moisturizer like Blake does. That uh, steer clear from, from black lights, cause uh, apparently you'll glow. What moisturizer are we talking about? I didn't, you use moisturizer on your face?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've stayed young looking guys. I know we talk about this, but I'm gonna just circle back to this. Well, we kept our hair, skin looks great, we're getting a couple spots, but hey, we're pushing 40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, I have a leash. I have a leash. And it's, it's okay. It's weird. What I got, cause my pool, it's probably only like, I mean not only, it's great. It's like 40 feet long probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, that'd be crazy. But some people have 25 yards, which is like legit. Uhm, but like I bought this drag suit that has these pockets on it that like, uhm, kinda like parachute


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? And so you swim super slow, so it takes me more strokes to get across. But then I just also started swimming again at the Rose Bowl. And uh, it's just way better. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's I guess what I could recommend to you is doing like interval shit where like you push off and you go all out for like 20 seconds and then go back to the wall, rest for a minute and do that like a bunch of times. But as far as like casually swimming in place on a leash, it really, to me, sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you want to like, if you want to like swim all out and see how far you can kind of pull the stretch cord, that's kind of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, swimming in place casually for like 10 minutes or whatever, you feel insane. Like imagine- FUCKING THING SUCKS! Imagine being like tied to a tree with a belt on and you're running in place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's like, weird. That sounds terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Swimming, swimming and actually going across a pool is great. So if you have a big enough pool, it's great. But I had the thing that blew the water at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, Dara Torres was 41, I think, when she swam, uh, the 50 free. If y'all don't know, Dara Torres.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I do an apology? Let me do an apology to everyone who I privately, not publicly, but privately thought were gross disgusting families when their kids, uh, got pinworm. Uhm, now I know I'm part of a gross disgusting family. And uhm, as soon as my kids are free of worms, back to judging other families. Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I have a spray bottle and I just spray them in the face. Yeah, they don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unless Denzel Washington does want to get on the pod like we keep hearing that he does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I would say it's before 2003.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also if you look up the- Blake is strong. But then there's just juices all down the front of you? Yea, that's- that's not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do I turn my video off, man? Just stop video? Yeah, stop video. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well that's what I remember. I mean, when Blake said that. How fast were they? Were they the fastest, uh? Dude, we beat De La Salle that year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what, that's what the dentist tells you to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, the next one is Backstreet Boys, and after that's gonna be NSYNC. Keep it locked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people stop me in the streets. When I'm in the streets, they're like, a new episode better drop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was new. Well, you know what, he was, that was the first episode, so he saw you. Dude, this is what I thought. Stretching in, uh, at the base of the mountain. Right. Well, as I know you do, you like to get nice and limber before your early, early, early years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so my dad, obviously he's been cancer dad for the last few months. And uh, very excited that he no longer necessarily needs to rock that moniker because he got some fucking awesome news. What? That he has no detectable cancer in his body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't feel like my dad has a technical wherewithal because I am his son and I know I couldn't do that. So I don't think he is faking. I do think it's real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The craziest shit happened, he goes, uh, he like had crazy pain last week and had to go to the emergency room. Oh no. And he thought he was having a heart attack. Oh no. And he goes and he was like, fuck, I'm having a heart attack, uh, this is how I'm gonna block.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah fuck, I'm having a heart attack. Ah fuck, I'm having a heart attack. And he goes, and he, uh, is there, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they do all the scams on him and they can't figure it out. He's got a blood clot in his lungs, which can kill you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dr. Ozarks, man. Uh, no offense to them, but they suck and they should all quit their jobs because they fucking suck at their jobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, he's, you know, he's scared about that. And then also he's like, fuck, and I still have cancer. Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The goal was to get rid of it this first pass because they can't continue to give you radiation on the exact same spot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I asked for it. I straight up, I straight up asked for it. This shit's important. Hey, well, that's a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so when he gets to, uh, Houston, uh, where the, MD Anderson, which is a fantastic hospital, and he gets to his doctor, he's, you know, obviously he thinks this doctor's gonna tell him the exact same shit he just learned a few days earlier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, that is insane. We're also, uh, doing this, uh, baptism scene for one of the characters. So the set is absolutely insane. And I'm in the middle of the set. It's the, I'm getting, I'm waiting to be called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, he was like, he says that that was the spot that the doctor was confused about in the Ozarks and thought it was cancer is actually scar tissue from it being radiated away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, he's going to, you know, they're gonna keep doing shit for over the next six months to a year to try to make sure that they don't form a tumor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a little misty-eyed when he, but I was on, at work, so I like, I wasn't trying to be, you know, uh, funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I tried to be cool in front of all my co-stars, but uh, I got home and it was, I was with Chloe and not to cry. Dude, and let's, yes, let's talk about that here. Men, all the men listening, stop crying. Stop crying, you bitch. Be strong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Possibility that's, that a doctor has given a family news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's cool about uh, Workaholics is it's really gonna be a time capsule for these children. These like bro children. That did not know about it and they're gonna be like, they're gonna be like, cause for, for certain generation of people,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That watched, it's gonna be like their cheers. You know? Like their comfort show. That the parents watched and then now they're raising these kids and they're like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, and that's what sucks about, like, the animal cruelty people, is now there's no- Go off, King. Go off, bro. Thank you. Now there's no, there's no Bart. There's no star of a bear. There's no bear that's getting his, his shine, you know? Cause now we have to CGI it, cause we're worried that we can't shave his head, he'll be embarrassed if he goes- Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we can't shame this bear, even though maybe, maybe this bear is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now did gremlins use real animals? Cause I might say gremlins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I remember thinking back in the day, like, doing, like, an R-rated version of Her and the Hendersons would be so funny. Like, you just created, like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love, I love, like, everyone's calling each other kings and queens now. It's tight. I like this. I like this little thing that's happening. Go off, king.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not saying to me, I'm saying on the internet, you see people that's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For real? Uh, yeah, we don't, uh, here on Pod Important, this is important, we don't stand for supporting each other or positivity or like a support system. Fuck it all, you gotta support yourself, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is, it is weird how supportive people, I mean, obvious, it's just a, a, a rebuke of, like, online culture. Rebuke. Rebuke. Rebut. Is that the same thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a root beer of, of just like, uh, of internet culture where people were so mean. Now people are being so nice that it does feel like it's too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, dude, the olympics fucking, the music in the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they make high school, like, specific type movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just rewatched the trailer of that. I was like going through my, uh, photo roll and just saw the trailer in it and played it. I'm like, God damn, that is, that was such a funny movie that I feel didn't get enough love. I felt like it just got the algorithm kind of just buried it for me on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go check out The Package. It's a movie that we produced. Our good friend Jake Samansky directed it. Really, really funny cast and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, that's, that's the trouble with, uh, with drugs. They'll get you sometimes, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, and also people are doing crazy drugs. Let's just stick to weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel ancillary friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel the, yeaah, I feel like the ancillary friends are where you get in trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's always, it's never like your, I mean sometimes you might have like one homie that you've just been friends with since like the third grade and then he became, his parents got divorced, his dad was a maniac.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I feel like, other than Kyle. Yeah, Kyle's our friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is what, I see what Kyle's doing. What he's doing is he, he gave us 30 minutes, and uh, we're all on Zoom, and Kyle just disappeared about 5 minutes ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's, uh, your age, Jers. He's 40. He's not like a super young guy. Is he really? Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and we might have been at that same party, I think it was a WME party at Catch in LA, which is like a fancy restaurant, and I think we just missed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, with Rami Malek, and it was like, a hilarious crew. It was like the guy that played Hercules, it was Emile Hirsch, it was me, it was, uh, Rami Malek, it was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, so I had like a weekend with these guys, so I like, know them now, you know? And I see Rami at this party, and I go up to him, and uh, I like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet, I bet his brother, if I had to guess, his brother's somehow involved in the business as well, so it's like, yeaah, when he goes to like big Hollywood parties, his brother's like, yeaah, I wanna. I would also say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That has to be so annoying, cause Rami is such a specific, super nice guy by the way. Rami's like a really great guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure it would be so hard to be the twin brother of a, of a more famous brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like your brother is super famous. Cause Rami is so specific looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that you're like, there's no way in hell that this man, there's two of this man walking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so you're riding the camels, and it looks like you're in the middle of fucking nowhere, like you're in the middle of the desert. It's fully in a city. You're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, like on the, like a hundred yards away from, there's just a neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think actually seeing it would be, I'd be like, oh fuck, I wish, I wish we had to travel out to these pyramids and feel like you're away from everything and feel like you're in a whole new world. Like, you can go to a Starbucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no. What I'm talking about is I go out and there's a tomb in the middle of the desert that you have to travel to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well dude, I mean, isn't it weird that that is, like they built, I mean it's not weird because I guess that's where the people were there, so then they just built the civilization right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I would like to talk about the Tar Pith for a second. Have you seen the NBC show called La Brea that looks


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, guys, let's talk to the community real quick, cause the community doesn't know what the fuck you're talking about, Blake. Cause if you're anywhere besides California, you don't know about the La Brea Tar Pits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it's like a shitty puddle, like a tiny, very tiny pond. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's being generous to call it a lake. That's, that's generous. It's a, it's a small pond that like a rich person would have in their yard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Worth it? Worth doing it? Uh, not for me. That was a Chloe, uh, she wanted a nice rug. And, admittedly, now that it's in my house, I really like it. But, god damn, are rugs fucking expensive? I feel that. I'm just like, holy shit. I didn't even know that they could cost that much money. I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was wondering why they were being so nice too, because they, we didn't like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go back to the store, I'm gonna bring ten rugs, and we're gonna find you the perfect rug. And I'm like, okay. And then he comes back, and then these men bring all these rugs into my house. I'm like, these men are being so nice. And then it wasn't until like I gave him the credit card to pay for the goddamn thing that I was like, oh now I know, because I just bought a fucking car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In fact, the most expensive Persian rug, and mine was less than that. I will say, yeaah. It was less than 33.8 million.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, was it not? Cause the one that I bought was like super old. It was like, you know, it was like an antique. Oh, by the way, that's how they really got you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Okay, so do we have any take backs? Apologies? Giveaways? Slams? Epic slams?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's, hey, next time we're all on a red carpet together, uh, or, or separate, you know how like they take group photos and then they take separate photos? We all, we have to keep jumping in each other's separate photos and then raising each other's hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to This Is Important, a production of iHeartRadio. This is a show where we only talk about what is very important to us. Today we talk about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it? It was, it was the egos, the egos in the paper route. Did you guys have paper routes? Did you guys have to wake up early?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, wow. 14. You were posing as a paperboy, basically. Like, you had nothing to do with the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you made the price. Damn. And it was, you made a profit because you stole all the papers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I had about between 60 and 120, like 150 was the most. It was like when we got the whole neighborhood. But I would rollerblade with it, like, unfolded and fucking fold them while I was blading and then throw them with like rubber bands. Blader boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. You had a lot of papers. I think you were like 300 or 400 papers or something like that, right? Yea, it was crazy. My mom was stacking cash. That's dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was seven days a week. Every day. Cause everybody gets their papers every day. So like you'd have to deliver it by 6.30 Monday through Friday and then by like 7.30 on Saturdays and 8 on Sundays. That was like when you'd have to have all the papers in by, in my hood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a big job, man, every fucking day. You had to deliver the paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Airborne is the movie that I remember too, but I think I've seen Brink, but I don't recall it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt Dillon. Dude, if there was a movie where there was a hawk playing roller hockey and it was called roller hawk, I'd be down with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think my favorite baseball movie of all time is The Sandlot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sandlot's amazing. I just have to like keep it real like that. I feel like I pull from that film a lot even now like it affected me and just like it had a spirit that was so much fucking fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bill Hatt staff. Oh, the guy who moved into the new town? I'm James Earl Jones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best. Oh, the best. He was a nice guy. It was the best. Where's my dog?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the jet. I mean, man, fucking dude, 10 year old me is flipping out right now. Like, yes, I'm the jet. I'm the fucking jet. Yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the whole thing though. His dad, his stepdad went out and taught him how to throw a ball. It's like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No. Wait. Blake, that was only because of the caveat of Blake saying that baseball movies are unarguably at the top of the heap. They are. Tied with extreme sports. We didn't agree with that. We didn't agree on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And on the spot, and we apologize for that, but you can see what you did miss, and it was awesome!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a question for you guys, cause I'm out here, it's fucking cold as shit out here in Toronto. And where are you again for our listeners at home? I'm in Canada, Toronto, the Atlantic North East. A lot of people call it, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, of course. Drake is up here. That's right. He's up here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'll look into it. I'll ask. I'll ask the people on set and I'll report back unless you know. Well, ask Drake. He's up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want it bad. The weather, the cold, it just, it freezes ya. You know, I don't know how you guys grew up in this. It's like, holy shit. Never going back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's like negative 18, or it's like sorry, it's just 18 degrees Fahrenheit. Negative 8.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. What is it, meat pies? Yeah, it's basically a meat pie. It's uh, pasties. It's- It's a meat Twinkie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had meat filled tw- I had meat filled Twinkie in my head and I was imagining a Twinkie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, my dad had an outdoor grill. He still has it. He crushed it.


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[Assistant] It was like a, it was just like a board to look at to push yourself into new areas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you're writing for something or, you know, putting it out there for everyone, you should be looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For new shit. Right. You should be looking for new shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I do want is a fucking apology. When we're coming on fire. Exactly. What's up with you do owe us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I love about you and that's what I love about you and I want to compliment us for complimenting ourselves. It takes a lot to do that and just like, you know, boost ourselves up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you gonna do a joke about the word? What do you mean? I'm doing it right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, fine. I'm gonna apologize for complimenting us. I'm gonna apologize for complimenting us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have some pills that I thought was gonna get my pecker hard, but. And she was fucking, she was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love just the Nordic theme. You just had cool, yea death metal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can hear you. No, fuck you, dude. Fuck you. I beat you to it. I just beat you to it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it? What was it? I just had it. What was it? What was it? I just had it. Did you say it? Oh, you said it. Who said that? Who did say that? Did we say that already?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what is that? Tie one on, what is that? Yea, what are you tying on?


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[Assistant] That was a game changer. You could go buy the yellow book and just read it all in a night. Too long, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, podcast we did like the icky icky icky and it's like, oh, I've never like been a part of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it just was, uh, fucked the fucked up, man. It was, I was just like, nah uh. But, you know, that's what you want when you're filming this shit. That's what you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So all the classic characters are used in the flick? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. Oh, Carly. I don't remember, but like, that's the character's name from Haunted Mask. Carly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, what about fucking, do you remember this? Say cheese and die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or do you feel it too hard and you're scared of the books? You're scared of the books?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that. Calvin and Hobbes off the charts. Dude, there's a Calvin and Hobbes book right fucking here. Hold on. Oh, that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, hey, that's the business, baby. It is wild. That is wild how you're like, I don't know if creatively I really want to do this. And then as soon as you don't do it, you're like, this is the only thing I wanted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, you should do that anyways. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a bad idea. I did see, I did see something like, I saw a 30 Rock porno. They're, they have done this. Like I didn't watch it, but I saw a poster of the 30 Rock porno and it was so hooky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they were just like aliens kicking it, right? Yeah, but did you ever see their


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Shrek. I don't know, I think I've seen Shrek. Shrek is so funny. Farquaad is so funny, dude. So funny. Good call, Adam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It says he was, it says he was in Pitch Perfect. The third one. Pitch Perfect 1? No, the first one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I look at this and I'm like, yeah dude, fucking Harry and the Hendersons. That shit is dope. He crushes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but all movies from that time, all movies from that time are fucking boring, bro, by today's standards. They move so slow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a pimp, he gets it, and he was- Can we get a little rum shaker? Oh, by the way, did- did-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it crass or is it brash? Well, it's crass. I think is what you wanted to say. Frash is just like, you know, blunt. Blunt? Uh, guys, I get it. I'm showing my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do they have to, is that the person who talks to you about it? Like the director can't even come up and say- Director can't?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back! Alright! Whoo! That was a heavy, that was a hard go right at the beginning. A lot of uh, a lot of tech stuff. We're dealing with technical issues over here. Tough tech, tough tech. Tough tech.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Never. No. No, a lot of people are thinking about these people, or they think about us and they're like, hey, these guys, they're talking to one gender or another gender. Guess what? We're talking to all genders and all humans and also people that aren't humans. Fair enough. Yep, very inclusive podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see, when Honors was talking to our producer, Anna, and they were like, ah, did you get Big Sur? Are you in Big Sur? I thought you were traveling, and you were at the beautiful mountain town of Big Sur.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and I was like, oh, maybe his connection's bad because he's in Big Sur. But no, it is a computer thing. A technical computer thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's right. I, uh, I drove, uh, to wine country and I decided, I was like, you know what, let's take the chill, the chill, uh, ride up the one and then, uh, left too late and immediately it was dark and I'm just on the side of a cliff, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But guess what? You're not, you know, you're not alert. You're smokin' weed. You're smokin' weed, yeaah. You're smokin' weed, you might stop off and have a lunch beer or two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to do that. That would explain why she's so purdy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up? Mhmm. Yes. Oh, can we talk about that fucking commercial? The Mario Lopez, KFC, uh, telenovela on Lifetime? Pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you guys seen it? That's awesome. No, uh, people are like, are like shitting on being like, oh, this is the worst thing of course, 2020. Oh, 2020. Oh, of course this was happening in 2020. Yeah, fucking this dope ass thing happened in 2020. That's the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life. What, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a full-blown production. It's not a movie. I think it's like 11 minutes long or something, so it's a short. It's a short film. But it's, uh, it's basically a telenovela involving Mario Lopez playing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kind of do sometimes, cause wasn't it Lifetime that did the, uh, the, um, Will Ferrell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Movie? A few years ago with uh, where Farrell did like a, he did. Him and Chris, Kristen Wiig? Yea, him and Kristen Wiig did like a lifetime full on movie that wasn't a comedy movie that they just played it as seriously as they could. But that's the bit. But that was the bit, exactly. But they made the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a love story for Colonel Sanders. I don't think, I think it's just a... Well, they can, it can be one and the same. True that. I don't think it's an origin story. You know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't admittedly, haven't watched it yet. I just do like, I watched like the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Teaser trailer for it? Yeaah. And I liked that. I'll say it. He looks great. Like, I want more cross, uh, branding like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me get the Mr. Peanut, Sex in the City, Collabo. I'm, I'm, I wanna tune in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Peru shooting all kinds of insane shit. I think at that point we were doing the episode where we were on the side of a cliff in an ice cream truck and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After we were done, it was a fun shooting day, cause by the time the sun sets, you had, you were done, cause you might just drive off the side of a fucking cliff. So then we would go hang out, kick it by the river, drink some beers, talk with the crew, you know, chum it up. And, uh, Anders would have to go back to his room and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just making you just try a ton of stuff the whole time. And you're like, I don't know what you want, so how am I supposed to give you what you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when they're asking you to improv the entire thing. It is fucked up. I just did a commercial the other day in my backyard. I saw that! They just brought a ton of snow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And put it on, uh, put it in my backyard and I, there was like a Coors Light snowman and I gotta, I gotta be, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta be in a Coors Light commercial in my backyard. It was the fucking best. I'm like, I wish everything that I did, they just brought it to my backyard and I just stumbled out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the warmth into the cold. That's the best beer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, admittedly, I do most of the time, I'm like, this can just be done over Zoom. We don't need to travel to go see each other. But sometimes I'm like, I just want to get out of my fucking house and go eat a fucking, uh, you know. I'm banking so. Midday burger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, admittedly, like, I loved it here, uh, down in Orange County for the coronavirus times. I'm like, I'm always outside. It's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is true. There is a weird bubble. No one's wearing a mask? There is a weird bubble down here in Orange County. It's cause it's hot. Can't survive in the heat. We burnt, yea. Hey, Trump was right. It can't survive. It can't survive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also it's nice, admittedly I'm sure it's gonna be nice for you to just go, hey mom and dad, you wanna watch the kid for a night? While I go do a thing? You know, that'll be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, not sending, er, actually sending it. Pornhub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you guys hear the news? Okay. They deleted, like, something like 30 million, uh, videos from Pornhub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they like purge themselves of anything that might be even remotely. I guess there's a New York Times article about how


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like incest thing going on. Uh, this is, this is a really great thing for society.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like something that was like, you're 18, right? I'm sure, I'm sure it was just that simple word. Just like, yea, I say that I'm 18, so I'm 18.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could see out of the four of us, you'd be the one to just make some weird Momo videos, Ders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you see that. Oh, that's terrifying. Your, your world has changed. 100%. And you're convinced that that thing is everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, I mean, it's fine. They're just gonna go over to OnlyFans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, if you, uh, have like, uh, let's say you're into the community aspect of the pornos. Yes. And you liked this couple, they're probably gonna go to OnlyFans. Just go there and look for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your brain is, if you're the guy that has to look at every video and make sure that everyone is of age,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I think it'd be fun for like three hours and by that fourth hour you're like, oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Pat, bro. Oh Pat, of course Pat did that shit. I like porno as much as the next guy. I just don't want to watch so much of it that then you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know there's gonna be some people that just jerk their car into a tree when Dyrs leaves. They're gonna be so fucking pissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brilliant. I don't, I don't want our fans, the aruguloids, the three-point stancers, the boarders. I don't want them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever you want, Anders, it's your fucking show. Yeah, this is, yeah, this is on Anders time. You're on three minutes with Anders. You're on borrowed time right now, so please, just whatever Anders would like to talk about. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they're rated just fine. I will say that when my- I really like cake and I liked cake as a kid. The band. Yummy. And also cake was pretty- I'm more of a pie guy. Yeah. Uh, uh, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you. Told me that he loves Cake, the band. That's when I knew that my dad had awesome musical taste. Like before that, I'm like, I'm like, yeah, he likes all old guy rock. He's like, he's like fucking Bob Seeger rocks. I'm like, sure. He does. Sure he does. Yeah, okay.


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[Assistant] They were much, they were, I believe that they were in the same vein as like a, uh. They had a horn section. It did. Sorry, what's your, I'm blanking on their Primus. They feel like they could have been on the same bill as Primus and everyone would have been happy.


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[Assistant] I, I play like, uh, I listen to a lot of Spotify and then I'll just do like alternative rock playlists and then there's like 200 songs and it'll, it'll blast off some cake. Yeah. And Primus. And that's probably why I was like, yeah, they're like, uh, kind of the same. They're super high.


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[Assistant] Oh, I thought you said rocking lithium gear, like they have a merch that I should?


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[Assistant] I forget what- I feel like I'm pretty committed. I don't know how- I mean, other than like, rocking merch, I feel-


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[Assistant] Okay, here we go. I think we came in, it was fun and dandy, but we were speaking over each other a lot. We're not giving each other a lot of wiggle room to go out on a limb and then kind of go in on each other, which I feel, I know, uh,


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[Assistant] The three-point stancers enjoy that. Arugaloids like that too. And the arugaloids like that as well. How are the borders? How are the borders liking that, Blakey?


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[Assistant] Dad, it's just like every 14 year old boy talking to his mom, just like, do the best I can, go away!


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[Assistant] What a weird time in music too, uh, there was, it was just so fucking angsty.


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[Assistant] True. Yeah. Well, no, I think it was drink at that point in time. I as in Blake's favorite decade in the 90s. It was drink surge and go unleash the beast. There we go. And uh, and go. Surge was huge.


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[Assistant] Surge was for the listeners that are too young and don't know Surge, it was essentially, uh, too, uhm,


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[Assistant] Fucking horrible idea. There was fistfights over Surge, uh, kids got like their ass kicked over fucking 20 ounce bottles of Surges.


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[Assistant] It's like 2, 3 a.m. and I'm still with the hearse, it's like BWAH!


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[Assistant] Uh, well I'm trying, if you guys have been following me on the gram, I am a fitness influencer. I love your shirt. Yeah, thank you. And I'm influencing. I'll never not follow.


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[Assistant] I'm influencing big time right now. And I'm just like trying to get out there and really fucking bring it. And also I noticed that I, uh, I've been, I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh at you. It's okay. And, uh, I've been adding, uh, Mike to my collection of fat.


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[Assistant] On my neck and my body. So I think that was post Thanksgiving.


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[Assistant] Where I went a little, I went ham on the ham and I've added to my collection of fats. So I'm trying to take that off, but while from taking that off, I have to, uh, really double and triple down on my caffeine in order to get the energy.


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[Assistant] To go out there and truly bring it in the streets with my cycling and with my cross-fitting.


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[Assistant] Yeah, for, yeah, overall fitness lifestyle, but see the thing is, Blake, it can't just be all fitness. Cause I follow a lot of fit people on the Instagrams, uh, the Jeremy Scott Fitnesses, the Ryan Fishers, those guys. Get em out, get em out.


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[Assistant] Right? Uh, maybe, or maybe they're just, uh, having really hot sex with other super hot people. Not sure exactly. And I'll never get there. I've, the thing is... Loveless. Loveless sex.


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[Assistant] It is. I just don't think that my body- Mirror sex. I- I'm not willing to not eat a cheeseburger or not have some french fries or not eat the pizzas.


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[Assistant] It is, it is a disappointing, I wouldn't say disappointing, but it's like when you see someone that is...


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[Assistant] Uh, like it's awesome when you see someone that lost a ton of weight.


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[Assistant] Uh, and you're like, and everyone's like, oh my god, how'd you do it, you're so great. Uh, but then I'm at a point that like, my body won't lose a ton of weight. It's basically, I can lose like 10 pounds maybe, it would be the max.


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[Assistant] Uh, that I can lose. Uhm, and it is frustrating when you get down to those last 10 pounds and you're like, well I wish I could just take out these stupid fucking 10 pounds. Uhm, but it won't go. And it is, it is frustrating. And people send me that, uhm, that, uh, workaholics


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[Assistant] Uh, gif, I suppose, uhm, of me when I'm like gripping my fat and I'm going s-


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[Assistant] I hate myself, I hate myself in my body as I'm like smiling through and I'm like, oh, that's a...


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[Assistant] Do you want to unpack that? There's a reason we wrote that show.


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[Assistant] I, uh, I don't think I'm that morphed. I think I'm the right amount of... Dismorphed. Yeah, I don't think, uh, I think I'm the right amount of chubby, you know?


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[Assistant] Yeah, you're, I would say you're above. And this is why we cut Durslews. Get the negativity out of here. Yeah, let's get down to real shit, man. And the three of us will ground and pound some compliments out on each other. Can we get real right now, Carl? This is why we lived together.


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[Assistant] Can I say, Kyle? Today, you look...


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[Assistant] Like Dave Grohl. And I think Dave Grohl's a really handsome looking guy. And just specifically today, a lot of days I'm like, Kyle doesn't look like Dave Grohl, but today, Dave motherfucking Grohl.


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[Assistant] That's cool, man. And I think that- You're aging like you lived a very hard rock style life. That's how you're aging. And I think it's beautiful.


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[Assistant] I meant in a certain way, but you can definitely take it however you would like.


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[Assistant] Why would you? Uh, and let's see how long that hair is exactly. It's kind of blending into your shirt.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I personally think it looks great. Ders would definitely mention that it looks like a rat's nest, and it looks disgusting, and it looks stringy, and you're definitely bald, and this is what Ders would say.


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[Assistant] But I know you're the triangle of positivity, so no, it's not your words. You know that I think it's great, but Durs would definitely say that...


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[Assistant] Inches, inches and inches down, uh, you know, south on your forehead. It keeps just creepin' back is what Ders would say. I think Ders would- This is like-


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[Assistant] That's right, yeah. And that's in any great friendship group, uh, you know, there's ebbs and flows, there's yins, there's yangs. And I know Ders would say that it, that you look like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, like, he would have taken the Dave Grohl thing, uh, and, and kinda spun that out too, like, yeaah, grungy, like, gross, you look dirty.


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[Assistant] Well, we go back, uh, a solid 18 years now, Kyle. That's a long time. That is a, a, a human adult's person. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Whether I know basic math or if I'm an idiot or if I'm the dumbest friend. And then he'd kind of spin that off onto you being the dumbest friend, Blake, and how fucking stupid you are.


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[Assistant] It would be, probably would be right as far as, uh, reading books. Cause the last book I read, I actually, you know, uh, I actually, I was gonna shit on myself in my, uh, I've been reading, Ted.


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[Assistant] I've been reading books. I've read like six books over, uh, quarantine. You know, I was, I was saying like, not quarantine during the Corona times, which now it's been like 10 months, so that's actually not that many books. Yeah, that's slow.


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[Assistant] Yeah man, you gotta see what they did so you know what to do and what not to do. My homie is learned. You gotta be up to date. What to do?


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[Assistant] To, to whimper out on that note, uh, any compliments, take backs, or uh, giveaways. What are, what's the third one?


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[Assistant] Oh, the League of Extraordinary Assholes. And you know what, actually?


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[Assistant] I would like to take that back, what I just said, because I think there's a lot of extraordinary assholes out there.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? There's a lot of, it's great when you find a group of dudes, like a dude crew like we have, uhm,


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[Assistant] Awesome. And we're glad that, uh, this podcast is, uh, is something that, uh, that you're able to do from your car. I know the rest of us have, uh, sort of have all this equipment set up and we're all, you know, fully charged up, ready to go. And we're just, uh, happy that you're able to do it on the go.


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[Assistant] Anders, I would like to compliment you for all the words.


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[Assistant] That we knew that you would say to Kyle when you left. You left and we, me and Blake spoke for you, which I know that you are 100% okay with. Yea, always. And we spoke, we spoke for you and, uh, you and Kyle do have a lot of beef and you do have a lot to work out.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but I'd like to compliment you for giving us that ability to speak on your behalf.


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[Assistant] Oh boy. That is true, Kyle definitely would have killed himself. Alright, and we'll see you next week!


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, for sure, like, like to your point, I had, I've never had a shock blow out on me like that, but I have broke a titanium spring, uhm, and it collapsed the shock, you know, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've, I've, I've broke a spring before. Where?


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[Assistant] Uh, at the test track testing at, at, at the Kawasaki track on a, it was like a full-size stadium triple, you'd land.


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[Assistant] And then you'd come down and you'd have to three, three, um, like a bit, like a big triple that were all three footers and right as I hit the stadium triple and went down and then popped it up to go three as I landed in the, in the belly of the next one is when it, when the shock, when the spring broke.


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[Assistant] Right there, you can see it bounce and that's where there was, there was nothing left inside of that shock other than just the spring.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so it was literally just a pogo stick. So honestly, Kenny rode it out, did a phenomenal job. And, and he probably had some oil on the side of his boots too. Uhm, which, which hanging onto a motorcycle is very, very hard with that, with that hot oil all over, spread all over the, all over the side of the motorcycle.


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[Assistant] It could have been a lot worse, um, for him, uh, I do think he's, you know, looking at it, you know, I've, you know, we've kind of talked on the group text, text. Sounds like his, his knee's a little bummed up, you know, so.


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[Assistant] I had to speculate, man, and I hope not. I could say ACL something, something, something. He might've done something, you know, but.


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[Assistant] Uhm, he, he held on to that, that, that bull till the very end, dude. He didn't want his arms out there. Look at that. He's hanging on to that bad boy until it was, there was no more hanging on to it. So.


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[Assistant] Definitely, uh, they probably had some flashbacks of that, right? Keeping those arms at a, at a harm's way.


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[Assistant] And it also just depends, it was just a bad spot, right? Like I said, jumping that triple before the woops. Always does. All that G-forces, all of the...


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[Assistant] Uhm, you know, it might have been maybe the best spot of the track. I mean, obviously the straightaway would have been the best spot.


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[Assistant] Do you know a good cucumber? I know a good cucumber.


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[Assistant] Got arrested. Got arrested for an altercation.


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[Assistant] Next thing you know, you're doing 75 in the school zone. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Wait, is the California roll, that's not like the cream cheese ass one, right?


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[Assistant] It usually is. Don't people like imitation crab more than crab? You know what? That's probably the California of it all, is it's fake. Alright?


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[Assistant] Right? Like- No, that's my play. I'm saying if I ever got approached by like a weird... ...masker person, I'd be like, you don't understand, sir. I have COVID.


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[Assistant] He wouldn't- he wouldn't draw that line. And he's backing o- No, that's when you- He'd be like, respect dawg.


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[Assistant] Ask it. That dude's about to start training you in the park and you know it. You know what bro, I like your frame.


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[Assistant] I'm actually super surprised that the four of us, that none of us went into like MMA training at all.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like how did none of us get down, grounded, pound?


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[Assistant] Oh, it's bomb, dude! Oh, that's the best part. That's the best part.


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[Assistant] I had canes when I visited Adam on the set of Pitch Perfect.


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[Assistant] I, I was, when, when I go to these like open, open, what would you call it, where you like point out the ingredients you want to like make your sandwich? Sure.


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[Assistant] Yep. Or whatever. I always end up with a soup at the end because when I'm in control...


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[Assistant] And I'm super hungry or whatever, I'm just like, the more the merrier, but it ends up being a blob of...


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[Assistant] How many are, uh, in the California area now?


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[Assistant] No, cause here's the thing, we eat vegetables too. We eat vegetables too. And I'm gonna be handling the rest. I know a good cucumber. Yeah, I'm a everything vor. You know a good cucumber? I know a good cucumber. Difference is, you don't know the chicken.


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[Assistant] I bet you do, but the thing is, is I-I partake in everything, you only partake in a small section of-


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[Assistant] That, that's gonna be highly illegal. Save the Rhino.


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[Assistant] What is setting you apart? Everyone likes it. It's fine. What is setting you apart?


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[Assistant] Sprite jizzed out. You got one of those Travis Scott meal sprites that just straight up.


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[Assistant] Well, he's Kardashian camp, so yeaah, he's, he's worldwide.


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[Assistant] Like for sure. What do you mean family friendly? That's not a- You mean music-wise? That's not a thing anymore. There's no such thing as family- Yeah.


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[Assistant] They do, well not in COVID, but kids, kids go off. You bring a kid to a McDonald's Happy Meal in front of them, they are fucking hyped. There's still the toys. For real? The toy still pulls weight? There's still, ay, there's still the toys.


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[Assistant] With that said, I don't think like Travis Scott is on wax like gang banging, you know? He's not like a, like a...


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[Assistant] He's not a g- he's not a gangster. For me to understand. He's not a gangster. He's not rapping about- No. His name is Travis. Yeaah. He's- he is a product. I- I do think it is an odd pairing, like yeaah, how did they come to that? But it's just- It's a Kardashian trickle down, dude. They- they run.


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[Assistant] Why? Why do you want to live on this dumb fucking planet until you're a hundred? I want out. I want out now. A hundred?


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[Assistant] I do not like arugula. I would say it's my least favorite leaf.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know if I'm taking back or apologizing or whatever, but guys, drinking and driving is so serious. Please don't do it. There's so many options out there.


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[Assistant] Why do they say litty? I don't think litty sounds as good or like proper as lit. Litty.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Jack. Come on, Jack. Oh, I love Jack. I think that's my favorite, just slang, I guess it's a slang word, but just ending a sentence with Jack or Joe. Strong. Joe. What's up?


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[Assistant] Speaking of hard seltzers, uh, I went to the store the other day, the liquor store, and bought, uh, I think 11 or 9 cases of different hard seltzers, and I'm having a taste test this weekend and into this week.


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[Assistant] I looked, they didn't have it, uh. Well you're missing out. The only thing. Also didn't, I'm sorry, talk to your boys. Holler at your boys.


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[Assistant] There's so many though, it's crazy. And I didn't get White Claw because I've had that, so I think I'm gonna find the reigning champ and then compare it to White Claw.


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[Assistant] Dude, I love that. Cause then I'll rock with you.


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[Assistant] No, no, I wanna be the dad. The dad who's like, okay, uh, I'm gonna go take my car to the car wash. You're gonna do your homework, sweetie?


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[Assistant] I mean, is that cause nothing's taboo? Like, it used to be like, two chicks, and now it's like, okay, but like, it has to be related now.


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[Assistant] What is it? VCR or internet? Yeaah. Yeaah, I was gonna ask the same thing. What's the format?


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[Assistant] Interesting. He made hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars. I don't think he was a billionaire, but like, non-stop cash, right? Yeaah. Yes. Allegedly. Allegedly made money, and then for real, uh, yeaah, I don't know the exact details, but then he went down south and just started wiling out. I think he ran


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[Assistant] And had like, young girls on the compound and the fucking... He was just chasing the ripping and the tearing and he got a little out of control!


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[Assistant] I think he got, I think he got caught though. I think he got busted or, uh, what do they call it? X, X, what do they call it when they boot you out of the, is that what it is?


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[Assistant] He's got a sick body, though. I mean, the dude's cut. Is he? True dat. Trueee. I will say that, the dude's


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean I think his face is falling off of his skull, but the rest is taut.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I'm getting like the spots. God damn.


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[Assistant] I wanna circle back to Funyuns, but...


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[Assistant] Who, who out of us is gonna die first?


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[Assistant] I drink the most milkshakes. I think if my heart will say stop it and just quit, if that's...


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[Assistant] Adam just reminded me of his, of his nightly routine and I think that that's, that's a tick and tom bomb. The, uh, the like caffeine and then like the, the NyQuil, whatever the fuck it is. I think that's not good for your body.


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[Assistant] I don't doubt that. I think he's got that Tom Cruise vigor. Uhm, but hey man, I also think Tom Cruise died 20 years ago and we've been dealing with a robot. Oh dude, heyo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the, I'm with you singer Avril Lavigne is the same thing. Oh, you think Avril Lavigne is a robot or a clone? No, but I think that's out there. And I think, uh, if anyone's a robot, it's definitely not her. It's Tommy Cruz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So are these people robots? They have like an imposter, like there's a, they're like that's not the same girl, there's a new girl and she died somehow or whatever.


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[Assistant] I want Gucci man's body. He's, he's well proportioned. He's got a little meat on him, but he's not, he's not too big. Uh, beautiful tattoos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at this dude, trying to get some Faygo sent his way. I'm sure, I'm sure people have done it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are the Shaggy Too Dope of our crew, for sure.


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[Assistant] Which they're bringing back, baby. Are they? Mhm. They're trying Ghost Rider again? I think they're bringing it back and it's gonna be a woman? Is what I was reading. Allegedly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want that, uh, that Annie Thor's daughter, Bod? Annie Thor's daughter. Yeah, I'm talking about CrossFit women, like the champions.


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[Assistant] They're dope except that they're like the patriarch, uh, so like everybody's last name is like Sigmund's daughter or David's daughter. Really?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's like a thing that they do in, uh, the land of ice, baby.


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[Assistant] David's daughter. They're jacked though, dude. David's daughter. I think they just, they just had the championships this week, but it was weird because there were only five people in each, uh, five men and five women instead of like the big open competition. But hey man.


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[Assistant] Well, that's a good discussion. If McAfee had the cure to the virus now, or let's, let's, let's go back a few months, uh, at the peak of devastation. If he had it and he was like, you gotta set me free and then I'll give you the cure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the first hour I was like, are we still setting things up here? I'm out.


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[Assistant] They had a director's cut of that movie that they were like, oh, the Snyder cut. Finally, the Snyder cut is going to be released. And I'm like, eh, in a way it's better. Wasn't it David Ayers?


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[Assistant] That's not safe anymore for the corporations that are taking over. And I don't care, guys. I don't care. You can hit the mute button on- I'm pissed now! Yea, but now. And that's just how I feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you're missing the fact that people are gonna go, Oh cool, there's like this sick little story movie on about an auteur. I'm gonna go play a fucking video game for 30 hours instead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're gross. But what I'm saying is that, uhm, they will no longer be competing with like the grand spectacle of Suicide Squad's big movies like that, 007. Now that you're saying they're gonna dial back to these like little movies, those aren't gonna be able to compete with the spectacle of fucking Oculus, Oculus movies.


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[Assistant] No dude, the quads are out of hand. Okay.


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[Assistant] I don't think you're allowed to rock suspenders if you're like a prisoner on work release or whatever. You rocking suspenders?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think I told you guys, this is my, my pitch to Tesla when I went and drove one, like just to see what it was all about. I go, a, uh, you know what they should call this is a, a test drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy was like, yeah, I don't think so. I'm like, uh, I think I'd run that one up the flagpole. And he was like, I don't like it. I'm like, you're fucking out of your mind. Did you let him know you're a big time Hollywood writer? I said I get paid beaucoup dollars to come up with stuff like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he actually said, no you don't. And I was like, I get paid though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was at the grocery store rocking it one time and this woman, uh, came up to me and she was like, who is that on your shirt? And I was like, uh, oh, it's a friend of mine. She's like, what happened? Is he going to be okay? And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't have the heart to be like, uh, it's from a TV show lady, you're an idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, well, what's the story? I go, I don't, it's not even, I go, it's, it's no big deal. And she goes, well, excuse me for trying to help. And I was like, fuck. I tried to be, you know, like not be like lady at the t-shirt from a TV show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, I love it when you spitball. I don't see anything going on with that. I feel like. Oh, okay. Oh, yeaah. Who was it? You know, the prison system right now, I think that's a great call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there prison? Comics do, right Adam? A lot of comics perform in prisons, right?


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[Assistant] I never got to go to a concert like this for free, I might add.


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[Assistant] Do they deserve it? But at the same time, it's like, yo, these dudes are fucking locked up. Let's give them something to- I know, that's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is cool, but here's what's fucked up is that they have all this experience fighting fires and then when they get out of, uh, prison, they are kind of overlooked and not, uh, seen as somebody who has experience fighting fires. They're just kind of ex-cons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I think they're just like, uh, we're gonna go with the guy who's not a Mexican.


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[Assistant] Is it the best thing that came out in the last two years or so? It's so fucking good. I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And based on a real story, based on real people.


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[Assistant] Dude, I would, I would be drawing hella drawings. That's what I would be doing. I would be giving art away to avoid penetration.


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[Assistant] Say your name real quick, like cool. I would just draw like graffiti of names or like pictures of people's children. Say hey man.


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[Assistant] Is that a podcast? So here's my question. If one of us went to prison, if one of us went to prison, but we were still able to record this podcast, do you get paid? Or do you have to like defer?


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[Assistant] You're still gonna get fucked in the butt. You look like a CrossFit woman. It's just insatiable.


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[Assistant] It'd be on, uh, pay-per-view style or what?


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[Assistant] No network. Brought to you by bail bonds and shit? Yeah, exactly. Yup.


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[Assistant] It's an Icelandic thing, uh, when your dad's named one thing or maybe it's, cause I don't think any of the men have it. So I think if you're the daughter of Sigmund, your last name ends up being Sigmund's daughter. Um, yeah, I watch CrossFit cause it makes me feel like I've just worked out. I'm like, woo.


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[Assistant] I mean, yes. Yeah, that's a tweaker time to get out there.


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[Assistant] I mean, it was just about comfort. That mid-range bass.


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[Assistant] Raw jeans? It was like- God, that was such a- that was so- What was raw? I never got- Raw denim. You couldn't wash them, you had to freeze them. You couldn't wash-


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[Assistant] I don't know if it's legal, but it's edible. Yeah, it might not be legal. I would not want to do that.


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[Assistant] I met him and shook his hand and his hand was just fucking muscled up. Like thick. Like a thick paw.


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[Assistant] He seems like he would be. He does seem like he would be, and then I think he turned out okay, and then I don't know what happened to him. He's turned a little weird lately.


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[Assistant] Feels like WWE. It does. My gosh. Where would he be a governor? Texas. Obviously he could run for president. Is he from Texas?


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[Assistant] I don't know if, did you guys ever watch that documentary? The documentary on, uh,


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[Assistant] It was him and, fuck, another dude who like, they battled, uh, a few times. And like, the other guy seemed kinda like smart about it. And Tito just didn't seem like he had a full grasp of like... What, of fighting?


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[Assistant] No, no, no, just outside of fighting. Awesome fighter. Dude's a fucking hard ass champion.


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[Assistant] You know, they're like, what'd you think about XYZ that's like outside of fighting? And he's like,


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[Assistant] Is that how you describe, is that sex to you? Ripping something up? The ripping and the tearing, damn.


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[Assistant] Is that bad? Look, if you go to hedonism too, you gotta know what you're getting into. There's gonna be some holes in some shoes.


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[Assistant] What's that no-no? What's the no-no-no-no?


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[Assistant] Oh shit. Are we on that, are we hitting that trifecta?


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[Assistant] Then you hit the restart button, you call your kids and you go, look, daddy's back. I did some cooking.


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[Assistant] Like, people are either just like running to be like, I'm done. They leave or like you're holding each other and you both just start crying and it's not even together. It's still alone. It's gotta be bad.


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[Assistant] Hey, when you were working at that comedy club, do you remember when I did the worst prank phone call ever on you?


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[Assistant] I mean, hey, you're talking about my life, my career.


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[Assistant] I was friends with an assistant to an agent who would always call you to like talk about comics and getting them on stage and shit like that. And she called- I was the gatekeeper, yes. I think I talked to Adam and I go-


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[Assistant] When you talk to him, somehow subtly drop it you were hit by a cement truck as a kid.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was a fucking clutch, you had a clutch gig, man. I remember you called me cause you were like, dude, if you can be here in 15 minutes, Chappelle's about to go up. Uh, and I saw Dave Chappelle perform for 4 hours until 3 in the morning.


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[Assistant] There were moments of, uh, funny, but everyone's waiting for like the best experience of their life, and his thing is he's like, I'm not giving you that, we're kicking it.


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[Assistant] Remember that though? When we were at the, you, the SNL talent scouts came to see Bill Hader. Oh, that's right. And you were like, I need you to come here now and laugh super loud in the audience. I'm going to go up after Hader.


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[Assistant] Uh, and we saw Bill Hader do his fucking thing. He came out as like an Italian waiter. Yeah. From the kitchen. Yes. Who was, who, I can also do impressions of people. So it was like a character doing characters. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Come on up. There's a gust of wind around his belly, Adam Devon. Adam Devon!


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[Assistant] Sadman Dovine. Nope, not Sadman. Where's Adam? It's Adam, it's a name everyone has. Saddam.


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[Assistant] Big dog. Oh, that's right. Okay, guy.


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[Assistant] Dude, I, if I see somebody who I know I've met or whatever, and I do this all the time because I'm so bad with names. I mean, I'm sure listening to podcasts, you're like, this dude's brain doesn't work, but. No, oh, you're so smart. I always go, uh, thank you. Anders, we like you. I always go, what's up? It's Anders. Always.


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[Assistant] Just to like set the table and hopefully, hopefully get a fucking name back so that I can go, yes, I, Roy, how are you? Oh.


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[Assistant] What is your name again? Like what? So I don't even wanna give that to people. My gift to them is telling them my name so they don't have to worry about it.


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[Assistant] It's wacky, but like some people...


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[Assistant] Even if it's at like a fucking grocery store, if they come up to you and they're like, yo, what's up man? You need some bananas? You're like, I'm good. They're like, well, cool. If you need anything, I'm Daniel. And they walk away and you go.


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[Assistant] Every time you go to the grocery store, you're like, Daniel! You're just fucking Daniel. You know it. And then some people are like, they could be the most important person to your like, career. Like you meet them and you're like, ah fuck, I can't remember his name. What's his name? What's his name? Cause he was just not memorable.


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[Assistant] Pool guy. They're like, oh, you know a rich person with a pool? What's a guy? And I was like, his name is Rich. His company cleans my pool.


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[Assistant] She gets the rose. Oh my gosh. Just take that ass out. Take that ass out, bro.


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[Assistant] Oh, cool. I would love to see like trying to work the Apple TV. Oh, you're he's subtracting the ass. You're like mirror screen. Hang on a second guys, because it is on my phone. Just let me. Is it Bluetooth or Wi-Fi? How does it connect?


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[Assistant] Wait, sorry. The, the handle Adam Devine was already taken when you got Instagram.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I'm in my hotel room and I'm having some Perrier Joe A Grand Brew.


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[Assistant] I gotta, I gotta say I'm with him. You're off the project. No, no, no, no. You're off the project. And second, second. You can go on Burgerhawks and look at our butts side by side.


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[Assistant] Adam, relax, you have the gay porno on lockdown, we know that.


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[Assistant] And for you guys at home, Loaded Weapon was a... Not Charlie Sheen, Emilio Estevez spoof of, uh, Lethal Weapon and other movies like that in the 90s. With, uh, Samuel L. That we would constantly reference. Right.


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[Assistant] Right, well you might have had a better butt 15 years ago.


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[Assistant] In that commercial. Oh wow. Wow. And they were overwhelmed. They were like, whoa, like we can't handle this. People will start fucking their TVs. You have to. Which is not healthy. You can't do that.


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[Assistant] I just, I just feel bad for Adam because I know the pride that he takes in his butt. Nah, it's okay. We'll think about it though. I honestly don't know who he is without it.


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[Assistant] As, that's one of the best scenes Netflix, I would put that whole sequence of events against- We're talking game, game over man. Right.


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[Assistant] Game Over Man, the movie we made for Netflix, uh, where we, uh, uh, uh, hotel got taken over, we were the maids, we had to save the day in a die-hard... Taken over by terrorists, yea. Type, type, type way. Taken over by terrorists.


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[Assistant] Uh, and there's a scene where terrorists are coming into the hotel room that Blake, Adam and I, our characters are in and we have to scramble and Adam's character comes up with an idea where


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[Assistant] He will pretend to be a guy who's dead in a closet from erotic, autoerotic asphyxiation.


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[Assistant] And while they're distracted looking at Adam, who was fully fucking naked in this movie, Blake and I attack, but then the, uh, terrorists turn out to be lovers, they start fucking, and the whole plan goes south.


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[Assistant] As they do. And I would say that I would put that whole sequence up against anything else on Netflix. It's better.


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[Assistant] Well, you see your nuts and taint from the front, from the best possible angle.


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[Assistant] You did. You really did, because when we wrote it, we didn't think that we would be shooting it in such a way that it would be so gratuitous. Yeaah. So fully frontal, and then we really went for it.


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[Assistant] Hat on your dick, bro. You can't work out. Are you saying thank you or are you saying no thank you?


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[Assistant] Is there anything, a such thing as a dickness influencer? Where like everything you post is about your dick and like treating it right and like getting it to like be its best? Should I do that?


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[Assistant] Keep the skin right, how to get it bigger, how to keep it going, how to like, uh, you know, manscaping all that. Is manscape a thing?


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[Assistant] I want, I wanna be in the sequel, cause you said you're gonna give the first one to Blake, right? And then I'll be in the sequel as like the new butt on the scene. That's so good.


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[Assistant] I'll give a compliment to Adam for, uh, pulling his fucking butt out.


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[Assistant] You know, even though it didn't pan out, it didn't pan out the way he was hoping, uhm, I got something for this bank bank later.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? Just alone in the hotel room, drinking a little champagne. Bottles.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you always go off of a, an emotional feeling. Uhm, you know, an animal instinct of what is true. And, uh, you didn't, you didn't disappoint today and I appreciate that.