[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what? He's been in prison. Prison guys need love too, Tom. There's some girl out there that thinks he's super cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, he's cute. Obviously, I think he's attractive, but I wouldn't date him, you know? Why not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 45, two kids, and this is the guy that shows up on my hinge or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I want cool prison stories, yea. Well then that's why you'd go to lunch with them. For the prison stories, yea. I do love prison stories. And you never know, you could be a match, you could be a love match.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome, babe. You're so sweet. Thanks. Oh, definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think I could get the guy just out of prison? On TikTok. That's really sweet of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for those of you just listening, this girl made a purse out of Kraft Singles American Cheese a year ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's only one that's fully hardened and yellow, and the rest have survived.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I thought about you because you love American cheese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eggs. Which you don't eat anymore because of your diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, and we had assorted bread with jams, jams, plural. We would just say jam with jam. And then they also pluralize math. Like you say, well, what are you reading in college? They don't say, what are you majoring in or studying? They say, what are you reading?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maths. Maths. Plural. Which is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just charming. I mean, look, this is such an innocent talk. Very rare. Very special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well why, why is that? Like do you think it's real or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I didn't know that. This is like when you told me that Tom Cruise was a deepfake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do we keep our children that sweet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we went on a shrine and we had bread with jams and, and you know, he goes, we had a full English breakfast with no beans. No beans. Cause beans make you fart and farting is unpleasant. Like he chose no beans. I like the beans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I just want to apropos my discussion with Dr. Drew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Dr. Jessica, a long time ago, my pediatrician friend, Dr. Jessica told me, she's like, you know, unfortunately, once you guys, once we all hit a certain age, we get toe fungus, toenail fungus. She's like, it's, it's just inevitable. You will get toe fungus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just want you guys to be prepared for what's gonna happen later in life. You're gonna get toe fungus. It's gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's getting help for it. I would have gone to a doctor and not a pedicurist though for help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think that's the key is to go to the doctor early. Don't wait for things to get really bad before you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Surprise! It's just a medical condition. It can be fixed. It can be remedied.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, let's go to this new club. But then she's gonna make you do things like, oh my god, my friends and I are meeting at this bar, you wanna come?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, that's a trade-off because they just use you for your money, babe. They don't love you like I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's pretty cool, huh? Yeah. It sucks that it ends right there. I wanted to see that mountain lion tear through and eat the dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fix your fence. That mountain lion just fucked up your shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, bruh. You think you put it in there? 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, I've seen roaches in crazy places though, homie. They come. Look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I grew up, you know, I grew up in the San Fernando Valley. We always had roaches in our apartment and fucking everywhere. Roaches get everywhere homie. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Roaches get everywhere, especially a little one like that. That's a baby roach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I pr- I promise not to sabotage your giving away stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do do do do do do do do do do do do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been a fool before would like to get my love caught in the slamming door. I don't want a half of me or am I a page in your history?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatcha do? Big Nick? Remember that song? What's your name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's getting nervous cause he's like, Tom's gonna get on me. And I go, well, first of all, you said, it's the best. You didn't say the phrase is hot sauce is the best, right? It's a different thing. Totally different thing. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've never heard anybody say that. Well I think what's fascinating about Leo is how much he discloses. There are no boundaries between us Tom. It's like what Garth wants to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I keep thinking too, if his partner had been a woman. Mark. Mark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would a woman be as welcoming to these phrases and all it's gonna be good and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what I'm saying, that Leo's explicitness works because it's Mark receiving the explicit directions. I don't know that a girl would be as turned on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But apparently Mark likes really detailed direction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What an interesting word choice. Stingy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think it's his, it's his health. Is it, is it his obesity maybe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you see that in porno, that's your pet peeve. You've always told me, like, I hate it when the guy is, like, fluffin' and fluffin' it. Not ready to perform? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, never soft at your mom's house, you fuckin' bitch. You fuckin' limp dick bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fucking guy. Can I talk about you for a second?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of, uhm, enticing sexually erotic things that have been happening in the sagura household, you took such a powerful dump the other day, because we had had sushi dinner, right, with all these different types of fish, so the next morning both of us had a botastrophe. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yours was really unique because... Because... You left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chunks of caca on the bowl. You left two distinct chocolate smears on the dry part of the bowl. It was so revolting and I was like, babe, you can clean that off. That's why we have the toilet brush so you can brush it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and then you come in, like the second day, second night, and you go, babe, babe, I tried peeing in the poo chunks. Yeah, I tried to piss them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing is you think you look hot when you make out and you're doing it, you don't look good. Only the pros look good. Only the pros. Only the pros.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine what he looks like doing at naked?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean you and I are gross naked, obviously both of us. Middle-aged people fucking, but then. I look like shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I like the taste of hard-boiled eggs as they're happening in my mouth, and then after it's like you've gotta like fart in your mouth all day. It's so gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, this urine therapy is not new in your mom's house world. You know, people have been convinced that there's magic properties to urine. You can cure cancer if you drink it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and as a parent too, you'd be like, I can give you the $300. Yeah. To do this medically correctly. You wanna see a dentist? Is it a money thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But by the way, five minutes is a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's done. This guy is swishing piss for 10 minutes a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is such a unique individual. They love drinking urine. They love using their pee. It's a very specific type. They have to proselytize to you. It's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can taste it. I can feel it. Can you feel it? Like you can taste it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how pee smells? Can you even imagine? And like when pee's been sitting around in the toilet, like the boys don't flush their toilet for a day, and it smells so briny and gross. Oh fuck, I want to be sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yup. Unbelievable that. Yeah. Do you even mention what she stole from our house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She pilfers. She, last time she was over, she stole a coffee maker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we've been trying to recover. It's been like, they've only been gone for what, 24 hours? Yeah. Was it yesterday they left?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we finally said goodbye and then both of us were just like, Oh my God, what do we do to recover? You slept. I mean, I haven't seen you. You took a nap at 5 PM, which you never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then the other night you snored so badly that I had to go sleep downstairs. And I don't want this for us. Like, are we going to have to wear a CPAP? Is that what's going to happen? Our dual machines? Ah man. Do you imagine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would rather die alone than wear one of these. You will, you will. I will. I don't want this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. It's true. But should they just issue one to Fats?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how do you fall asleep with the sound of the CPAP machine going? Isn't that the loudest thing ever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's like, it sounds, I don't like that at all, I'd rather just die in my sleep from choking, asphyxiation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't stop breathing. You heard me snoring, it means I'm breathing. That's not necessarily what it means. Listen, topic change, but I need your help. Okay. Today's the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to the store that I see the Zimzir in. Okay. Today's the day. After this, will you ask them what their pronoun is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See the thing is their name is ambiguous as well, because it's foreign, so it can be any, it's like Chris and Pat, like you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you're like, what's your favorite football team? And then they're like, oh, I don't like football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, and I've tried, I make chitchat with this person, I really enjoy them, I love their energy. Problem is they wear a mask so I can't see half their face, so I can't tell if they have like a mustache.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I got so many tour dates, christinapeonline.com. I'm gonna do Tampa this weekend, March 4th and 5th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I rolled to Charlotte, North Carolina at the Comedy Zone April 1st and 2nd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing Austin, stateside at the Paramount as part of the Moon Tower Comedy Festival, one night only in Los Angeles, May 3rd at the Regent Theater, Mini Appletits, uh, May 6th and 7th, and then Irvine Spermvine, May 20th and 21st, the Borgata,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, June 4th, Boston Massive, huge tits, the Wilbur June 5th, and then Cleveland in August at Aquarius. I'm adding some more stuff, uhm, I'll let you guys know as soon as that's posted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's true. They did a lot of good work before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Olympics are going on right now and like, I don't even know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well maybe too, like, our everyday stuff's fairly exciting, like, you can watch an MMA fight where guys kick each other in the head and bleed to death and shit, and that's way more fun than like, oh, luge, who gives a shit, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and there's Mark, right? Is that Mark? Mark's in much better shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you if you, if a woman talks to you this way, would it arouse you? Cause he's very


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he's almost childlike in the way he expresses himself. No, I don't think it would. It would be tough. Even if it was really like a hot chick. I mean, he's very...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he doesn't, that's interesting, he doesn't change his demeanor at all. You're right, you're like, yeah, pass me that file, give me a cup of coffee, I want to see all that come. You can't say it all in the same cadence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're so long and unkempt and like, it's, his manicurist search is not good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and imagine you're masturbating with your partner and they're like, hold on a minute, is that a wart on your dick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like maybe he just has no blood flow down there, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com. Time is money. Don't waste either with repeated trips to the post office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With Stamps.com you can skip the trip and focus on how to take your small business to the next level. Stamps.com lets you print official postage right from your computer and saves you money in the process so you can spend less time at the post office


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And more time making your customers happy. I'm telling you, I've used stamps.com for years, years, years, years. It is the best service. I don't know why anybody wastes their life at the post office anymore. You simply don't have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com gives you access to all the post office and UPS shipping services.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need right from your computer. Get discounts. You can't find anywhere else. Like up to 40% off USPS rates and off 76% off UPS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop overpaying for shipping with Stamps.com. Sign up at Stamps.com slash mom for a special offer that includes a four week trial, free postage, and a digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. That's Stamps.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm not- yeah. I think if this video came out of you, Tom, after your passing, I'd be- I'd be upset. I'd say it would ruin your- your legacy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that though. I want that guy. I wish the flight attendants did more of that. Yeah, that'd be nice. Move. Come on. I like when they do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is. You know where that funny bone was? Yea. They call it the Cincinnati funny bone? Newport. But it was Newport. That was a heroin place. Remember the park that they put you up at? The hotel was across from heroin park.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a tweaker run up to me on stage and try to grab me. Like it cost me and the security, I thankfully had him. You know, yeah, it was a fucking gnarly place, dude. People threw up in the showroom. It was Cinco de Mayo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People vomiting and passing out in showrooms happens a lot. I mean, at the comedy star, remember? People pass out in the heat in the summertime. The air conditioning never worked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing, yeaah, uhm, have you done, uhm, Captain Brian's? No. Marco Island. So, there is this fucking- That's one of the worst things I've ever heard of. The worst thing, so this is one of those you do like as your first headlining, and it was on Marco Island in Florida, and it was a seafood restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy that owns it, captain, he literally is a seafood captain, really nice guy. And so- Seafood captain!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the good part of the gig, which is why you did it, is that it was a dope ass condo, and he had two jet skis. So you and your feature act could ride the jet skis, and that's why everybody did it, because they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But can I tell you the best part about the gig was that Captain Brian was, like I said, a proper seafood captain. Bless you. And bless you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so he taught me some things that I will always remember to this day. For instance, tuna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never eat cheap tuna fish, like if you're ever at a place and it's under a certain ca- or salmon, sorry, salmon as well, like that's a shitty quality or grade of tuna or salmon. Yeah. Cause it's over farmed or whatever the fuck. So always get- make sure it's expensive salmon or tuna. And I learned that from Captain Brian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine? Hey, speaking of 7-Eleven, you know you were Hot Dog and Gatorade, you're legendary on your show. Yeah. Have you ever eaten the hot dog that looks like ground beef that spins around? No. Do you know what I'm talking about? No, no, no, no, no. The ground beef dog?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bring this up. Cause you would eat- Is that 7-Eleven? Yea, it's a 7-Eleven ground beef dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The big bite. The cheeseburger hot dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He likes to learn stuff and things. And I just think this was very satisfying. It just feels good to watch that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you know this, Nidalee? Cause I'm smarter than you think. Not really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it supposed to be called? He's not a seafood captain, but what is he? A fisherman? A fisherman, but he's a captain. He's got a captain's license and it was on the green room wall. It's like, what is he called? A seafood captain? Not a seafood captain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like everything's gross and frozen and like not great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm not knocking this level of restaurant. I'm a huge fan of like, chilies. I like chilies a lot. I like Outback. But Outback's higher than Applebee's, I would say. Yes, definitely. TJ Fridays, I like some of the items there too. But Applebee's is pure dog shit. I cannot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at how pretty you are. You got a big heart right there on your belly. Right on your belly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that adorable? I thought you'd enjoy that. It was so cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that's true. He's like, goodnight. He must have done it multiple times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, I saw you grow up, you were my job. And in his mind, you know, again, this is, I know, it's a home run. It's a dip. No, but I know it's like a different woke world now, whatever. And I'm not saying I'm like this, but my dad's thing is he goes, you played sports, you got a hot wife and you're not gay. For him, that's a big win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, thanks for having me. I love Austin. This is nice, man. Thanks for coming, man. Well, I mean, it's beautiful. The whole set is beautiful. Uhm, I think, uh, uhm, what you guys are doing here is nice. I uhm, I think that, uh, Texas was the right


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Truthfully, are you gay? I'm not. WHAT?! Yeah, right? No, I'm Jewish. Ah, that's what it is. Okay, I should have put my mask on then. Shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I like that. I like that. And I'm telling you man, it's a very, you don't see that much. People get hotter when they move to Texas, and you guys, it's a sex machine in here now. It is. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and it's positive, you know what I mean? And I'm vibing off it. And you look beefy. You look like sexy beefy. I appreciate that. Well, yeah, I'm swollen, I'm a little swollen. I thought, full disclosure, can I just be honest with you guys? I got some body aches today and I didn't want to take a COVID test because this is a big opportunity for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't feel a hundred percent. So I'm a little beefy because I called in, I got my boy Dr. Luke, who's my daughter's godfather, back in Brooklyn, shout out Methodist Hospital. He sent me in a prescription for steroids, he was like, look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I don't, that's the thing about me too. You know, since the beginning, I haven't really cared. Like, I was in the room with it so many times, I just, I didn't care. It doesn't scare me. Bro, I've had it a couple times. We've had it twice, everybody. You know, I never got it yet. No? What? No. No, I swear to God, I never got it once. As a matter of fact- This is the state to get it in, so you're good. Yeah, you're fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what? I gotta be honest with you. You could tell. First of all, everybody smells good in here. It's a good scent in here. I don't know what it is. It's just, it's a beautiful, it's like a beautiful scent. And I will say, Tom, that I do think you probably, your balls do smell good. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ready for this? We're about to tell you guys. So I was confident. I said, I filmed a special at the Gramercy Theater March 5th. I had a show in Cleveland that was selling absolutely no tickets. I said, fuck it, cancel Cleveland. I'm shooting the special in New York City March 5th, which I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Came out great by my guy The Homeless Pimp. We filmed it, edited it, looked great. I said I'm putting this on YouTube because I said


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said to my agent, I said, I'm putting this on YouTube. He goes, fine, send it to me. He goes, this looks pretty good. Can I just send it to the people at Netflix? I said, do whatever you have to do, but it's going on YouTube. Cause I was thinking there's no way Netflix is going to, everybody had said no to me. HBO said no. Showtime said no. Everybody was saying no, no, no. I'm like, they're going to say no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I said, which is the name of the special by the way, Transgender Eskimo. Uhm, so I said, I said, I'm putting it on YouTube. That's final. April 6th, YouTube. And then I called Nadav. I said, I want to get on Sugura. When does this episode come out? He said, April 6th. I was like, wow, it's meant to be. April 6th is what's coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The newest development, I'm talking about as of last night, I had already landed in Austin. My agent goes, is there any chance you could push Ciguro back? I said, absolutely fucking not. I'm already in Austin with an earache and body aches. I'm already in Texas with full COVID, ready


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I said, I said, uh, what's going on? He goes Netflix loves this thing. They love it and they want to just give you, like they want to put it on Netflix. But there's a whole thing you have to wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said, well, the whole thing is I want to put it on YouTube because of the power of my fans, you know, giving the power of my career to my fans. That's YouTube. And he was like, well, let me talk to Netflix. Maybe there's a way that we can have some of it air on YouTube and some of it air on Netflix. I said, if you guys can do that for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then maybe I'll do it, because then it becomes that the, cause what, cause what I've been saying on my podcast is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's get this special out on YouTube. You know, we've all been working on this, the podcast, and small, it's getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Let's make this special so big on YouTube, share it with your friends, that maybe we get Netflix's attention. And that was always the plan. So it seems like, in some way, maybe that that happened for real. Because we filmed it, and my fans,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't do like a free show or anything. I was like, I bought tickets, like make this a real thing. And that's what happened. I was like, even if it doesn't sell out and we wound up selling out like three shows. So I was like, let's do it. And it was a great show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said, if that's how this is organically gonna happen, then yeaah, I would give it to Netflix, but they have to let me keep the YouTube component. So that's the process we're in right now, so I don't know when it's coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's huge Chrissy. Just like and subscribe to youtube.com slash Christy Comedy because something's coming out on YouTube. There you go. I don't care because you know what else I did because I don't, I got, I filmed another special at New York Comedy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, uh, uhm, that is different, kind of different material. So I may just fucking put that shit out on YouTube and give the other one to Netflix. You can't stop me, you fucking corporate pigs!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's her actual godfather, uh, it's her actual blood uncle, her mother's brother, who did a bunch of time in prison, got out, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two years ago and has now taken my life by storm. She's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I love her. I would give anything. She's become a huge member of my family, uh, off the show. She's my children's nanny. She picks them up from school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's, uh, you know, uh, is in our life every, uh, every day. Uhm, she's coming. I have a show in Las Vegas. Uhm, and she's coming. Her first day off, uh, of parole is tomorrow. And then she will be coming with us to Las Vegas. We're gonna throw a big party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's what I said to Titi. I said, I said, you know, if we go to Vegas, like you can't do something illegal and then you go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Murdering them and going back to prison. I would walk myself back to jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This woman accidentally walked out with a pair of sneakers. She's on parole. If you make a big deal, you want to call the cops or whatever, you're going to like hurt our life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has had very open about it as HIV for 30 years. She got the vaccine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now she, uh, has no HIV. Undetectable. So the, uh, a lot of people saying the vaccine is giving them AIDS. Uh, vaccine cured TT's AIDS. So shout out Dr. Fauci, you cured AIDS. Way to go! Yes, Fauci cured AIDS. Or at least TT's AIDS. TT's AIDS are gone. She may get it again in Vegas, but whatever. Wow!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad, doing great. Uh, my father, he was in, um, uh, Tampa. He moved to Tampa. That's right, I remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He told me after he moved on July 6th, he just said that he lived in Tampa now. And then he showed up to my house, uh, I wanna say December 20th, like a few days before Christmas, and stayed for three months, never told us he was coming to the new house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just showed up with my step mom, they lived there for three months, just left about two weeks ago. Uhm, he's doing good dad, he had, uhm, uh, I don't know, cause this happens to him sometimes, where he ate himself into congestive heart failure again. Did I tell you guys he did that the last time? I don't remember that. Okay, so what happened was, is I get a, this is a common thing. So I, I, we know it's common now, but in the beginning it was like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ready for this? Here's what he did recently, three weeks ago. Okay? I have to get on the phone with his doctor. He goes, he ate an entire tray of lasagna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, three cin- cinnabuns from like three full cinnabuns, a whole two liter bottle of, uh, Pepsi or Coke, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 15 garlic nuts or something crazy like that and like 6 slices of pizza throughout the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wakes up in the middle of the night, can't breathe. What else is new? Can't breathe. Oh, and then he's taking this, and it's all rambling with his heart medication, his heart medication, 100% true story, his heart medication, he's having some type of side effect, he keeps waking up in the middle of the night and seeing a black family sitting down having dinner at the edge of his bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's in his hospital bed and I'm like, dad, like, what are you doing? Like, you know, like the food, whatever. And he goes, well, what? He goes, I took all my meds. He goes, what's the point? His thing is what's the point of me? He says, what's the point of me taking my heart meds and my diabetes meds if the shit don't work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you do what you wanna do, I got my grandkids, and then I said, don't you wanna like, grow up? Don't you want like, to see your kids? Like my kids, like, grow up, whatever. He goes, that shit's for you, not for me. That's what he said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, I saw you grow up, you were my job. And in his mind, you know, again, this is, I know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a home run. It's a dip, no, but I know it's like a different woke world now, whatever, and I'm not saying I'm like this, but my dad's thing is, he goes, you played sports, you got a hot wife, and you're not gay. For him, that's a big win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had the second baby. Okay. And that's helped things. The second baby, first of all, is now, because now I start to think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, Jasmine, which by the way, if you guys are looking to get in shape, Jasmine, go to patreon.com slash jazzy method. She's running a fitness class that she does very difficult. Um, it's good. It's good for guys, girls, whatever babies, whatever you want to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's great at it. Uhm, we made a whole gym in our garage. We bought a house. So I made a whole gym in our garage and she's, and where everybody's happy. Uhm, and you know, it got to the point where I was like, we have two beautiful children. She's an amazing mother. She's, she's beautiful. She loves, she's a great cook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It starts to get to a point where it's like, I think my brain was like, oh, maybe that's better, maybe that's better. Options, options, options. And then I just got to a point where I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think having the second child maybe was just a little bit like, you know, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, now, like, this is rea- cause we have three kids. She has this, you know, my stepson as well, and two kids. And then when we bought the house, I think when we bought the house, too, I was like, oh, I have like a real life now. Like, this is- I have a lawn, and a pool, and this dream. I'm like, what am I gonna throw this away for? To fucking- for what? This is dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like a real adult and I felt like, you know, like we have this life and it's like, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also keeps you grounded, like I want, I want, my goal is for my children to have a better life than I had. That's what my, that's what I think all us parents we do, right? So I'm like, she keeps me grounded, having a family keeps me grounded. It gives my children the best chance to have a better life. Cause if I can get my career to the next level, it only will help them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, all this keeps me grounded, you know, it's like these other things, it's like, you know, it's like, it's like now, when I have like pain when I pee, I'm like, it's just a little, it could be prostate cancer. It's not chlamydia, and that's, I didn't realize the feeling, what, it's such an amazing feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like if I gave her herpes, it's a way bigger problem. But if she gave it to me, it's like, I guess I deserved it. You know? And so it is a thing where it's like anything that happens now, cause it used to be, I didn't realize how much mental energy was being expended on me thinking I had an STD every minute of the day. I thought I had an STD all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much sex were you having? It was a lot. It was. It was a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and it was not, you know, I was single by th- at that time when I was at sexpass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I consider myself just because of the way it would work. It was very common. I'd have sex with the woman once and that would be it. She was not coming back for more because I think it was probably selfish on my part. I think I probably wasn't that good in bed and I think that or maybe we were both just looking for the sex. I think I was finding women who were like kind of just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we were finding, I was finding other addicts. That's what was happening. And then, and then I think, you know, when we had this second child, Jasmine and I, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to be that other guy. I like being this guy better. Like, and it also gets to the point, like I'm 37 now. It's like, is it cool to be 40 single banging chicks? I don't think so. You know, I don't, I, I don't, I mean, whatever, if that's your lane, that's your lane, but I don't want to be that guy. You know? It's gross. It's gross. Like I'm like, I got a family here, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's career stuff and it's now, it's now all that and like now I realize like how much I thought when I was, when we were co-parenting, I'm like, oh, I'm actually going to get more time. I only had one daughter at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I realized like, I'm missing like all like the little, like it's not about the big moments I think being a parent, it's the little moments and I miss so many of those in those two years that Jasmine and I weren't together, like she would do something that was so simple like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I just am, I'm happier being the guy that's in a relationship with the mother of my children than the guy that's like a fun divorced dad. Like, I think I wanted that at some point, but I just had to go through the pain of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I would think like, oh, I'm gonna gable deal, drop my kid off and then I'm gonna go out to hang out with my friends at a bar or go on a date with this girl, whatever. And I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That pain and now I'm like, I'm like, okay, don't fuck that up again. And listen, if it got to a point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, relationships evolve or whatever. If it got to a point where maybe down the line we weren't together for whatever reason, it wouldn't, it would be, it would be healthy. It wouldn't be because of I wanted out because I wanted to go after these things that weren't necessary. It would be like something like an actual real problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, you know, who knows what happens, but right now I don't foresee any of that cause I'm like, what's the problem? Like I, I'm, I'm good to you. You're good to me. We have our kids, we have our house, we have our life. It's so good. Like I'm here in Texas now. She's not blowing up my phone because she's like, trust that like, Hey, you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's going to do what you told me to do. She had reasons not to trust me before. And I would be like, she's crazy! But it's like, is she? You're fucking texting her sister. You know what I mean? I didn't do that, but, you know. Well, maybe I did, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I have to understand too, from Jasmine's point of view, like it is, it is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I would say, oh, I'm the one getting on a plane and making the money and doing this. And there were times and I don't say this anymore. Like all you have to do is take care of the kids. And I realized like that's an extremely difficult thing and she's at home and she had to put her goals on hold and I'm here reaching mine. It's like all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these things are important to understand from her point of view. So that's why now I'm like, well, what is it you want to do? She wants to be a trainer. Okay. How can I use my career to help her now? And that's what I try to do as opposed to used to be, no, I got my thing. You got yours. Like I have to figure out how to do my thing. You got to figure out yours. It's none of that anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a palpable energy when I walked in, because things were obviously going great in LA. I mean, seeing LA was fantastic, but this is even a level up from that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's better now because what a huge thing was, I don't, I think, and maybe it impacted me more being a parent, but once they released the mask mandate for kids, and once our kids were getting off the bus and on the bus with no mask, it just feels normal again. You still see people in New York with masks, but I would say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It used to be, I dunno, let's say 8 out of 10 people had masks on, now 2 out of 10 do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it, I was walking around New York City two weeks ago and I had said in March of 2020 when they shut everything down,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, absolutely. Yeah, I loved it. Yeah, it was just, it was great. I mean, you know, you had, you had, you had everybody just being who they are. I mean, the homeless in New York,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The homeless in Portland, I just came from Portland, the homeless in Portland are like next level, next level, like, where it was like, it was insane where,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't believe, like, I saw a guy sitting down on the floor, uh, he had like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, I don't even know, like, if he, he looked like, he was wearing like a bag over him, so I guess he was naked, but he had a bag on him, you could see his balls a little bit, but he was eating cheese doodles, dropping hydrogen peroxide on his feet. He was just pouring hydrogen peroxide on his feet, screaming, going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, passive aggressive because there was a homeless man, I saw a homeless man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Seattle, not shitting, pissing, what you see a lot, pissing on the wall, and some woman walked by and she was like, sir, can you put on a mask? And I was like, what? A mask? This guy's a homeless guy, pissing on the street, who cares? And then I went into Seattle, won a coffee shop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go into the coffee shop and I didn't realize there was a sign that said


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put on a mask, I had no idea. So I walk in, I'm like, oh, can I get an iced coffee black? And the woman's going like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, I said, uh, yes, I set up ice coffee, black coffee, no cream. It's I guess the same thing. She goes, it's not. She goes ice coffee, black. That's a little harsh. Coffee with no cream sounds better. Whoa. Oh my gosh. That's a real thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See I'd rather be stretched out immediately. You would. So I'd rather go him first, just really get it open there, I mean a big start, you know, my father would always say go hard or go home. Right. Right. So I would say go hard with him, because you stretch me open, you really give me a nice cavernous asshole that I, cause once you can accept that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was, uh, gay. Which, I don't think I am. But if I don't feel that I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen. What does Jazz think? Jazz thinks I'm fully gay. She does. Yes. And, and, uh, she's like, when you admit that to yourself, I think things will get better in everyone's life. Uhm, I'm like, well, my father needs to die for me to explore these options. Yes. Right now he's still alive. So I could go the first 50 years of my life straight, last 50 gay. That's a possibility.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, I would say that uhm, the gay fantasies I have in my head have almost exclusively involved black men. Wow. Yes, yes. Well endowed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well endowed black men. And not even that's, for me it's not even about the penis size, you know, I, I, it's, it's the body type, it's the muscles, it's being held, it's, I kinda wanna hold hands with a black man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's for me, I'm more sensually gay than sexually gay. Like yea, you know, you gotta, obviously there's needs, but I think, you know, and I've said this before, I think, I think I fall in love with men, I have sex with women. That's what I described myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that still applies today. I still do think there's been many times where I've had a great conversation with a guy. And then you want to go about history. And then yeah, I'll text Jasmine and be like, let me see that ass. And she's like, where is this coming from? I'm like, Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd rather hold hands, I would hold hands with him and just get to know him a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I had to, again, I'm not gay, you know, in this situation, I think he'd make me cum the quickest. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, uhm, in the game situation you're saying like tomorrow. Tomorrow. No, not yet because I'm not, I'm not gay. Alright. You know? But, you catch me, listen, you catch me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 95% chance I'll never have sex with a man. Or be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, anally penetrated by a man. I don't think, I would say, I'm close to 9% that will never happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 50-50 shot blowjob. I would say- Either giving or receiving? Giving or receiving. That's a 50-50. Just because, listen, you know, sometimes you wanna, you know, I don't know on my deathbed if I'm like, what's the one thing I never tried? Cock. And then you try it. It's possible. You know? Uhm, it's possible. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking A, look at your hair. You know what the secret is, and I've just learned this, I don't shampoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My logic would, would, would be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, first of all, I have a very short tongue, so for me, look at that. Like that's the full tongue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's very short. So for me, eating girls out never really worked. It would be like your tongue is like a midget's tongue, little person tongue. So I would have to most likely have sex with these women to have any attempt to make them cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I would say that it would probably be, believe it or not, this is the way my mind works, believe it or not, it would probably be harder for me to come with the beautiful women


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Because in my, I would, there would be a panic that would set in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the attractive one about this and that, but with this woman, I think I would take on this approach of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're all kind of just happy to be here. There's no pressure. She doesn't care. So I would probably blast a load in her belly button quick. Like really quick. I actually may fuck her in the belly button. That might make both of us come quicker, believe it or not. But I would take that approach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, yeaah, I would save her for last. I really truthfully, I would save her for last. I would save her for last.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because that's the real impossibility is there's no chance I'm gonna have seven nuts. I'm 37 years old. This would take me three months to do this. But that's not the object.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On other parts of my body. Yeah. So she's like, if you had a full bush, it would make you feel somewhat of a man. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. Cause I'm hairless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you know, it's interesting, but it is NBA pedigree cock. So that's the thing, I understand you're old, I get what you mean, but you have to understand, this is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 1%, less than 1%, the .001% of human athleticism in the world. This is a privilege and an honor. It's like how dare I even


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And because, I, I, I mean, listen, we're taking 75 men. God. Or 60 men and 15 dead guys. Yeah. Some of them, some of them, I would argue 20 to 30% want, need ass play to come. Right. So you're gonna have to get in their ass a little bit. Yeah. You're gonna have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so, that's something that, now I'm not saying that deters me, it doesn't, but it's just an option to bring to the group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool, you're definitely up against that. So I'm gonna have to fight them to even just get their cock in my mouth. It's gonna be a fight to your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, I think it's fair. I would fall in love with Dwayne Wayne. I mean, Dwayne Wayne's a handsome guy. Super handsome. You know, ripped, rich, classy, stylish. Chris Paul's got beautiful eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Steph Curry, I might, Steph Curry, just, just because I think he's, even though he's one of the greatest players of all time, since he just looks like a weak little bitch, I may just turn around and fuck him in the ass a little bit, even though I don't have to, just to do it. Wow. That is aggressive. Yeaah. Just be like, ah, fuck you. Yeaah. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that's the issue. So there's things to factor in. Yeah. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You love Tina. I love Tina. If Tina was a real woman, like, then I might take back some of the things I said about Jasmine. I'd be like, I can't be with you Jasmine, I need Tina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because you guys, that heavy segment was, uh, oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. What is that HPV? Yeah, anal warts. Mine don't look like that. Yeah. I'll tell you what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it looks like, uh, yeah, it looks like- Barnacles? Barnacles, it looks like, uh, some of the stuff they put in yogurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see, okay. Ugh. I thought it was just the warts. Yeah, that's, uh, that's not good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not good, but you wonder why wouldn't you just get the warts removed? Maybe it feels better? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see, I don't- I've never seen warts. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God anal warts suck. That's really rough. I'd rather just get the warts on my cock and balls than... In your asshole? Because they're not just on the outside of his ass, they're on the inside of his ass too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Describe what you're seeing. What I'm seeing is, is a man put a drill bit in the tip of his penis, uh, in his multicolored penis. Uhm, and his balls are, are, they have a noose around them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like he's going, yea his balls are, are tied up with rope, and he's, and he's got a, uh, He's getting off. He's getting off, yea he better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. The blood, the blood, all the other ones, I'm like, I can maybe even come to these. But the blood coming out of that one is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but what are you doing? I mean, cause that's an uncircumcised- I mean, what are we doing? Ooh, and he's letting them go in the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a frostbite toe. There you go. So she's ripping her frostbitten toe off. Or he. And this is why I don't go hiking. I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that, that is uhm, something I've never, I mean I bite my nails, I bite my toenails even when I had the flexibility, but I've never done that. I've never ripped a toe off. You ever done this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the most disgusting thing is the hair on this guy's ass. Shave your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, this is nice, this is like a nice afternoon treat. This is lunch!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a lot. And he's got pubes and wrinkly old balls. Oh no, his penis is bleeding out!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this is, yeaah, the fact of the matter is, is, is, I wanna come on another live. You got to. I love, because this is like, first of all, I mean, is this for pleasure?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Tom's only fan. Oh my god. Uhm. This is, I mean that is uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those I will say, I believe, are worse than the ones, cause you guys, when we were, uh, the live that I did was shit heavy. It was live shit. Which shit, you know, I guess, I don't mind shit, I've dealt with so much human shit now, but this is heavy. Bloody penises and anal warts, it's rough to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that a possibility? It's not impossible. Yeah. Cause that, that is, you know, I think you guys are going to graduate to that if you haven't already. Because why not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%, I will have announced what the resolution was by then. Something is coming out April 6th on my YouTube, at youtube.com slash Christy Comedy. I don't care if the Netflix deal hasn't been signed yet. If, if it hasn't been, then I'm putting the full special out on YouTube. That day, 100%, nobody can stop me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we have done something, I'm still gonna put some type of clip or something out to direct you where to go to see it. So, April 6th, youtube.com slash Christy Comedy, today, just be there, get on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then also, if you want, April 8th, I'm in Indianapolis, April 9th, I'm in Denver. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Truthfully, I, like I said the last time I mean it again, can't have it without you guys, because you know what the truth is, and there's no, no disrespect to anyone, but I feel a little bit of like, you know, cause everybody, a lot of my peers at my level,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, Sal, he, I'll tell you what. Yeah. He's gonna throw up, Sal. He will vomit. So I know that you guys want, yeah. Absolutely. Sally B. I love you guys. I love you too, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he got up and waved and they helped him off and then it turned out he broke like 60 bones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, I mean, at least, at least, like, put something on your voice so that it's not your regular, like, that's like, that guy's regular at work voice, right? Hey, do you have the Penske file? Let me see all that come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the fucking, the fucking chain is for the guy who's like, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not a secret captain, just a regular captain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, the third leg of the I'm Coming Everywhere World Tour is live right now. Go to TomSegura.com slash tour for tickets and use the code word Tommy T-O-M-M-Y for early access.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Sattva. Go to Sattva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash The Shit and get two hundred dollars off any mattress of your choice. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to your mom's house podcast. I'm Tom. She's Christine. Free rent, you can lease in a key. Fuck me. Fuck me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, just going through my closet and, you know, I took a couple laps around it and I was like, what will I wear? And uhm, pick this. I like it. You're wearing a different color.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like 80 today, and then last night it's fucking 40, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're out there today. Make a fire somewhere. You know, preferably in a fireplace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He served, uh, real time in a state penitentiary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, public property, libraries, uhm. What do you mean, libraries?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, uh, he was a real, um, socially awkward. No, he wasn't a troublemaker. He was a very awkward guy in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You knew something was off. Yeah. I mean, just like, you just were like, you know, when you, there's people, you're like, that guy's just fucking, you know, he didn't have normal social skills, but, but notably, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't think most arsonists are necessarily, uh, you know, pyro. Yeah, they're not like getting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like if I were a lawyer and I were prosecuting an arsonist, I'd be like, I get it. I get it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cannot tell. And also, I wouldn't mind if you fool me once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would be like, really? Are you not ready to reproduce? Show me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like, ideally, I'd like to not know, get fully around, I mean like, ready to go, and then have her be like, uh oh, look at my dick too, and I'd be like, oh, it's too late.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like, you're a girl, but you're like way cooler than most of them, you know? Okay. I mean, that's basically what it is. It's a, it's a, it's a girl with like a cool disposition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We haven't talked about actual trans, no, like porn or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's obviously a super popular genre. I mean, I think it's one of the most searched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's another thing, that my dick would just go, doooo. I hope so, yea. Yea, it can do anything for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, interesting. I mean, definitely breastfeeding is not. It's not for you. Not to get off on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a hundred out there and you're like, yeah, 99 are not doing anything for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it. You don't have to share anymore. It's all clear now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, kink like a genre and you're like, you'll have to figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was in the evening in bed and you'd had a drink and you were like, you got to figure that out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Bertrand, he's got a big ass head too. I thought I had a big head. His head is fucking enormous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so big. He's huge. His stomach now is like, you know, like an old football coach where you're like, you see that gut, you're like, that's not going anywhere. It's just like so solid. It's so big and so solid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was the spokesman for- For Weight Watchers. Was it Weight Watchers or one of those shakes? Right? Wasn't it the shakes? I don't remember. He looks fine there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it was that, what was it called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slim fast. Slim fast. That's right. That was the craze. It was like a national name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy Lasorda gave our confirmation speech. Whaaat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Confirmation is the equivalent to a Bar Mitzvah, except nobody gives a fuck in Catholic Church, like they don't care. And so you go, you're like 14, 14 or 15.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's supposed to be like you're now an adult in the Catholic Church.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was in Vero Beach. Vero Beach is where the Dodgers used to do spring training. So, uh, he would go to mass, so would Mike Piazza, a couple other, uh, Dodgers. And so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean confirmation class, which is as boring as you can imagine. Yeah. Oh, you know, JC did this and this fucking angel did that and you're like, yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, I mean it's a bunch of people, like kids like this, like, sitting there just listening to this shit whose parents are making them get confirmed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're like, alright, so confirmation is, you know, Saturday or whatever. And we show up, like, the seven or eight of us that are in that. And then Tommy Lasorda walks in and stands at the podium and he's like, this is a great day for you, you guys are doing a great, and he gives a speech about it and we were all like, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was kinda big, kind of. Not like, huge, but you know, kinda big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I loved about this show though, or have been enjoying so much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of times when you watch a story and you know things about the story and it's misrepresented


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the, in a movie or a show, you're like, I wish they just did the real story. I know. This show invents all kinds of stuff. Yeah. Like adds all types of characters and plot lines and everything. And it's fantastic. Yeah. It adds so much to the story. It's like my first time I've watched something and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank God they took the liberty to embellish and exaggerate and create storylines. It's so much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Julia Garner. She's great. Really good show. That's the real, that's the real Anna right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, let's see, let's see the cast compared. That'll tell you how some of these characters are completely made up anyway. Uhm, alright, so that's Garner and Anna Dalvey. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's the defendant, or the defense attorney. Alright. Let's see here. Samir. Oh, so that's based on her boyfriend Chase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I don't remember him, he was the actor who played da-da-da-da. Chase, of course, he isn't a real person. We were able to reasonably deduce that Chase is, in fact, based on a real guy who was given a TED talk. Amber profile by the New Yorker and named Hunter Lee Soik? Or Sok? I'm not sure. Does it go down anymore? Explain who he is at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't really tell you that much about her. Anna Chomsky's Vivian Kent. That's Jessica Pressler. I guess that's who wrote the piece. I wonder if she, oh, a fictionalized version who wrote the New York story upon that she's still with New York. I wonder if she was actually told not to write the story like they portray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they get all the storylines just give so much like weight intensity and gravity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're not telling us in these, in this thing right now, whether or not the person that's based on actually knew, you know, Anna. You know what I mean? It's just saying it's based on, okay, but was the real person a friend of Anna's? Yeah. That's not, that's not explaining that. Kinda silly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so that, that's a character fictionalized version of the real life lawyer who was working with her. Okay. That makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, you ever do press now and they're like, hey, you're on this morning radio show and you're like, that's from 12 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that show's great. Shout out to, is it Shonda Rimes? Shonda Rimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leanne Rimes' sister, Shonda, yes. Uhm, yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There she is. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Created and produced by Shonda Rhimes. Yeah. Yeah. Really well done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How are you supposed to do this, traditionally? You're supposed to shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and then are you supposed to just like shuffle over? Is that the idea?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is good. This is an illustration. Okay, she's taking a big shit. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's the bidet. That's what I'm talking about. It's right next. It's horrible. Find the bidet. Find it. That's great. Stupid. Yeah. Well, I guess if you're Googling, how do I use one? They're like, you should find it first. All right. There are three or many types, uh, standalone in Europe. Yeah. I've seen those. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, come on. Okay. Make that bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think there's a better feeling than that jet stream coming into your asshole. Like after you make a dirty chocolate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For most of us, learning a second language in high school or college wasn't exactly a high point in our academic careers. Now, thanks to Babbel, the language learning app that sold more than 10 million subscriptions, there's an addictively fun and easy way to learn a new language. Whether you'll be traveling around, connecting in a deeper way with family, or you just have some free time,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babbel teaches bite-sized language lessons that you'll actually use in the real world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's Italian for the woman eats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you can see, I actually use Babbel. And with Babbel, you can choose from 14 different languages including


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It comes with a 20-day money-back guarantee. Right now, save up to 65% off your subscription when you go to babbel.com slash mom. That's B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash M-O-M for up to 65% off your subscription. Babbel language for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want that spray right up your hole. Yeah. And then you can put a nice lady's tongue back there afterwards. Okay. If you're nice and clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's, uh, that's quite the exclusive. Oh, this is how you drive. I mean, who are these instructions for a fucking Victoria's secret model?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you, oh, oh, that's a good joke. Any more. You know what? Elementary?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you something I got to show you. I had the boys, uh, oh, here we go, pull some wild videos. Oh, you wanna see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That just saves his life, I believe. I believe that man would be in a deep, deep trouble if he wasn't by the lake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Yeaah. Yeaah, I mean that close, it just burns right to you. I mean, he took a swing with a golf club and like, it all caught up on him, it like exploded on him. I don't know who was hitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is fucking rad right here, what I'm about to show you. You don't even know what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it looks like the driver of the tiny car might be not doing great right now. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say horrible, horrible. That was horrible. Okay. And that's what I thought too. Let's go to the next one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was really bad. For people listening, what did you see? I don't want to say it. That was terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw somebody lose control of their vehicle at a high rate of speed and then the car hit a concrete wall and literally exploded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me make sure I got it right. Wow. I don't think it's a well made car. That's what I took from this. I think it's a poorly made car, probably Russian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that one's not funny. No, that was bad, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is mostly Zolo's fault. He got here and he was like, hey I wanna make a splash. Alright, uhm. Zolo!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is his idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just, just, take it easy man. Alright. Here's another one. Maybe this one will be better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that wasn't so bad. I thought we were going to see two legs break. That wasn't that bad at all. That wasn't bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That hurt. That definitely hurt though. That hurt. But, I can tell you this. He's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not true because I found two of our horrible or hilariouses in there. Two of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think she was okay after that. No? Not at all. For sure she went unconscious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. That one made me LOL. I mean that was, she probably needed like a lot of treatment after that. That's not like spinning in a circle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And for sure she thought she was dying the entire time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. They said when they did the test dummies, it decapitated some of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also it mentioned that people were coming out with, uhm, feeling 9 G's of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's not that one, but it, let's see if this shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's quite distinct. If it comes on, you'll be able to tell right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it says at the sign at the top. If you survive, you're gonna love this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was open for like a week. And they reopened it for like special events. And then the state was like, you need to shut this thing down forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they had a roller coaster called the Beast. And, uh, for a long time it had the steepest drop in the United States. And it was just all wood. So like the rest of the park had, had rides that were metal and steel, like you're used to seeing. And you're like, this one's wood. Yeah, that was that one too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was riding this thing when I was like 8, you know. You're terrified. At that age, you're terrified. I mean, that drop is really significant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the beast, it was the largest drop. Maybe that is, I don't know. Uh, yea, the beast, uh, Kings Island. It was the largest drop for a while, uhm, that you could go on in a roller coaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? This is just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Just regular people, they're not special. Hit that one time. Hit that Wikipedia. Oh, fuck. I'm trying to remember. Yeah, a wooden roller coaster. It's in Mason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Issues discovered during early testing. Delayed plans to build an enclosure over the Helix finale until 1980.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what often over here is construction, uh, crews calling it a beast of a project. She credited that with coming up with the ride's name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the record breaking roller coaster was well received at a press event, uh, preview held. The Beast has consistently ranked in the top ten wooden roller coasters. In the annual Golden Ticket Awards, yeaah. Wow. Uhm, remains one of the most popular rides, having accommodated over 54 million riders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the, uh, yeaah, GeForce 3.6. And that thing on that video said that that fucking tube was a 9.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. That's a McDonald's drive through. And you know what? You're the customer. You're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's interesting about people who claim suing? They never sue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so expensive. It's almost the equivalent, I would say it's similar to the people who are like, I'll fuck somebody up. No you're not. No you're not. No you're not gonna. You've never done that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty cool. That sounds fucking amazing. 24-7.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they finally got their shit together and they're like, order breakfast all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for a few years now, but I mean, there was that time, especially when you're grinding out those feature weeks, you're on the road and you get up at noon, they're like, mm-mm, can't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck. I used to cut it off at 10.30 or something. You're always sleeping in, you know. Like, I just want to eat breakfast, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, now they do it. That's good. Are you being serious?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] McDonald's doesn't have good lawyers, sue them. I'll go threaten them right now in the middle of a drive thru. Go stand in a drive thru and tell them that you kicked their fucking ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if we had breakfast, we'd also have second breakfast. Second breakfast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by ExpressVPN. Watching Netflix without using ExpressVPN is like going to a casino and only being able to play on the slot machines. Why limit yourself like that? The big money is somewhere else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Netflix has different content libraries for every country, but without a VPN, you only get access to a fraction of that. Like if you want to watch some Japanese guy bang his stepmom, there's a series that's only available there. And you can now watch it wherever you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like a French lady, uh, pissing in her uncle's farmland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a special, only available there show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ExpressVPN has blazing fast speeds. Stream in HD with zero buffering. It's compatible with all your devices and works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With other streaming services like BBC, iPlayer, YouTube, and more. So be smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop paying full price for streaming services and only getting access to a fraction of their content. Get your money's worth at ExpressVPN.com slash your mom. Don't forget to use my link ExpressVPN.com slash your mom to get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you always gotta understand when you speak. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're very well represented, it's true. We like representation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just feeling his energy. Yeah, it's part of the crew. Yeah. Gotta have him here, for sure. Yeah. I'm glad he came here and left all those fucking J's in LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Like finally. God, it was so frustrating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did they stop you from doing? Everything. 19 years I was around that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, white people are natives, you know, not so much of everything else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Oh, Miami has a real heavy Jewish community.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's like old Jews. Yea old Jews. But Miami just has the whole spectrum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a rough city to wear something like that in, in like for like six months of the year. Cause once you get into April, you're fucking already, you can feel like it's not the worst part yet. June, July, August, September, October are goddamn. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. And that was May. It wasn't even cooking yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It cools you right down. It goes all the way down to 105.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, so this is, this one's great. His fucking kids do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty wild. Uhm. Yeaah. Well look, it's been a minute. I don't know if you're into it, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, your TikTok curations take no days off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish you would have saved this. I wouldn't put this one. I would put this down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is like a misdirect. Like, oh, it's gonna be a fun ride. And then I know it's like, no it's not. I know what it's awesome buddy. No. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, but I try. I would be trying to kill it right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is your, this is your specialty right here. This is exactly what I'm used to. God damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So walk into a home with that. It's head is cut through a sheet. It's so bizarre. Ready to fucking rip you apart. Look at this thing. Look at this reaction. Hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my God. I mean, is it tied down under there? He's like, I want to make a cool TikTok with your head through a sheet. And the thing's like, I know I would just run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, on to the next one here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You remember this lady, right? Uh, vaguely. We played this video. Oh you have? Oh well. But it's been a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, cause I think she's really watching out for that guy's cat. Probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like you can play, but you have to wait. So it's a way to get, it's like tap it into your, you know, impulse. You're like, no, I gotta play now. It's just a dollar. It's not a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why you use TikTok. This is what it's for. This kind of shit. Look at that crazy fucking ring that guy has on. If I saw that ring on a hand, I'd be like, this dude's gonna have a whole lot of personality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That thing I've seen on, I've actually seen that Russian footage a lot of like the hammer hitting somebody who's like at a chiropractor and you're like, that looks like you just fucking ruined that guy's back. Um, and this time it's like to a guy's asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah. That's weird. Nah. Do you still get your back adjusted?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that. Look at you. Look at you. Look at you. Look at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Don't you love that? I would like to see the fan after this, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I wish I would have seen what these guys said to him next. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now he's like, I know where this is going. This guy's like, now I drink it every day. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you, man. For having that in your house. You're insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's to the owner, by the way. That's who we trust most.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's real? That can't be real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But look at all them screaming and stuff. That's like a forty foot three, that's like a monster from a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's cool. It's cool that somebody, that somebody could create this as cool as fuck. I'm just saying, I'm questioning whether or not that's really what we're seeing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like women, dawg. Cut that shit out, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course, of course. Well, I prefer this to a cool guy video, for sure, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like knowing the etiquette cause I also like to know when I feel like breaking it, you know? Cause sometimes you're like, sometimes I go like, I don't want to be proper. You understand? Like if I'm at a lunch or dinner or whatever and it's like, I don't know, friends or family, I'm like, fuck it. I'm just gonna butter it straight from the thing. I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have ruined so many meals with warm bread delivered to, uh, uh, the table at the restaurant. Eat the whole loaf before anything comes. When a place has amazing bread and they bring it out, I'm like, you piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're like, would you like another basket? I'm like, yeah, I'd like two loaves of bread. I'd like to eat two loaves of bread before dinner. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, because wolves are such smart hunters too, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they'll surround you. And they'll even bait you in. They'll, you know, they will, the ones will come from the sides and behind you and the one that's here, you're like, oh, I don't know about this one. He'll run away. You're like, oh, he's gone. You don't know you're getting ambushed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I went, I did go to a camp, uhm, a wolf camp? Wolf camp when I was in high school and they sent us out into the woods and they, they, they, uh, they had like, you know, experts were telling us all about like wolf hunting and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't say that. They made us howl at the moon. They did. Why? Just so wolves could hear us. So we could practice our wolf calls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's dangerous. It's dangerous when you're good at it. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then they told me, they're like, you're actually dangerous, cause you can do it somehow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then they told me like, like, remember you have like a weapon on you at all times. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I could just like summon, you know, wolves here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, it was a rough go at Horrible Hilarious today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was funny, but a little sad too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, thank you guys for watching and listening. We'll be back next week. Hot sauce is the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our closing song, song is Face Fat by Jassalisk. Oh. Bye Jean. Bye Mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, first of all, I don't talk at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I was giving the kids a bath. And what did you say? You were like, oh, you're doing the Lord's work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he down? Hunter? Hunter, is he down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a lot of people have asked to see videos of Betty feeding and this is an example of that. Up towards the top where that little pink bow is, that is her head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what they do is they create a suction on the person's skin, and then they inject the Herudin, which is the anticoagulant that they have, along with some numbing agents in their saliva that help you not feel the rest of the feeding process. And they'll be on there anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As they start to get full, they will make this really strange movement with their body that you can see in the video. Where they kind of contort back and forth. And it's kind of like a digestive dance. And they usually do it right towards the end when they're preparing to detach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, and then when they're done, they just sort of drop off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I cannot believe you fucking threw that at me. Could not be any more revolting.


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[Assistant] Ugh, no. So gross. I walked into Julian's room today and he goes, I hate you.


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[Assistant] He goes, get out! I go, no. And then I said, you know what? No more driving cars. He goes, okay, okay.


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[Assistant] Last night I said, I go, I love you. He didn't say anything. I go, Hey, I love you. He goes, I know.


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[Assistant] I tell you, I've had this thought about cologne. Is cologne so bad, or is it that you only run into people, you notice it with people who wear too much?


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[Assistant] So then you go, Oh, cologne is bad because I noticed that like all my Latin friends and family, they all wear cologne, but they don't douse themselves.


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[Assistant] But if you smell them as they're walking around a corner.


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[Assistant] That's what you want. You want it to be if somebody is like right now, like up on you. That's when you want to notice. Same with perfume. I don't want to smell a woman fucking 20 yards away.


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[Assistant] We used to work with this guy, I worked with the guy in post-production, PJ.


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[Assistant] And uh, he has a kind of laugh, and you would smell PJ. He'd be outside, and you're inside, and you're like, what the fuck is that?


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[Assistant] How revolting it was, what he was doing. I'd be like, yeah, you like cologne. He's like, you know, bitches love cologne. Big dance.


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[Assistant] He would be doused. If you rode in the car with him, we'd go to a car, pick up food. I'd open the windows. It's fucking 40 degrees outside. I'm like, open the windows, man. Like, get some air.


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[Assistant] Your car checks out, how come you don't smell great? Put some cologne on.


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[Assistant] That's when you, when you discover it, like when you're a kid, you're like, I like gas. It was like, you know, this will kill you. And you're like, oh really? I think that's the first time you realize that something is bad that you enjoy. Cause it's so innocent kind of when you first hear like, I like the way that smells. And then adults are like, don't do that regularly.


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[Assistant] Smells. That they would think is I'm crazy. I don't know.


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[Assistant] Most of them were pretty revolting. The honey bucket? Oh my god. That was so fucking gnarly. I don't know.


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[Assistant] Hmm, another smelly smell. A terrible smell? Are you writing one down?


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[Assistant] So they tried to like limit how many painkillers they gave you. So they put this like, uh, it's like a string. Think of it like a, almost like a thicker, uh, dental floss and they wedge it in that space.


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[Assistant] Because of this. I still remember that. Still burned into my memory. How, how much I hate the way that smells.


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[Assistant] You do hate rosemary. I've actually, your hatred of rosemary has bled into me somewhat. Like now I'll be like, I don't like rosemary.


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[Assistant] Also, rosemary you can, very subtle I think is, but people overdo it and that's when like, when it's rosemary chicken.


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[Assistant] Gross. Gross. Gross. Fuck you and the fucking WAP that taught you how to make that dish. Right guys?


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[Assistant] A lot of like real cheeses stink. I mean, that's not new, right? There's some real stinky cheeses out there. Sometimes they're delicious and they stink. Which is wild. Cause most of the time that doesn't align.


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[Assistant] Most of the time if something stinks and it's food, you're like.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. True. A lot of seafood stinks. Seafood smells bad. So now we found two. Seafood and cheese. Is that it? That's probably it, right?


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[Assistant] The science behind why we love stinky cheese. Wait, what does this subtitle say? It's called backwards smelling. Hmm. Okay.


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[Assistant] The smell can linger in your nose and the entire room you ate it in for a long time. Yet in spite of the stank, we love it. Now we know why. Okay.


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[Assistant] What does it say? In the above exclusive clip from Food Delicious Science premiering on PBS.


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[Assistant] That's very different than if you lean forward and sniff them up the front of your nose.


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[Assistant] The combination of taste and smell has a dramatic effect on how you perceive a particular molecule. If you want to have the full effect of a cheesy flavor scent. Oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] Cause like, sometimes that can smell kinda pungent, but then I'll cum real hard.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know, you can try it, you can start. Garth, why don't you collect a bunch of foods that stink real bad and see how you like them.


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[Assistant] All you fucking, you Russkies do that shit.


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[Assistant] Okay, scroll. Kimchi's on there, yeaah. Collard greens.


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[Assistant] Now all the time. Cause you've learned? Yea, like now when we go out as a group.


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[Assistant] Like on tour, someone gets brussels, but I don't even eat them. I'm like, this is just going to make me gassy. Yeah. Parmesan. I love Parmesan so much. So do I.


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[Assistant] Oh, eggs, how did we not think of that? I mean, that should be number one.


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[Assistant] That tastes so good. But you also don't want huge quantities of truffles or truffle oil. Just a little bit.


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[Assistant] I should go smack them the way fucking Will Smith tried to smack Chris.


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[Assistant] What's that seasoning I've seen at home for your eggs?


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[Assistant] Um, do you like the green one? Uh, the green Tabasco.


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[Assistant] They don't fuck around at Cholula. Been saying this for years, dawg.


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[Assistant] Touch anything he gives me. I don't know, I might not even shake his hand.


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[Assistant] That dude got me. Fooled me once, fooled me again. Fooled. I'm not a fool. He traumatized me.


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[Assistant] By the way, you're out there, you're wondering, uhm, how you can pick up a lady. Well, uhm, this is a self-help dating coach. Oh. Uh, Owen Cook.


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[Assistant] Yeah, right? Look. Doppelganger.


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[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, but do you get what he's saying there? Annie, do you get that?


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[Assistant] I get what he's, I think he was, you know, kind of being funny with that.


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[Assistant] He's kinda like, don't, uh, don't make it blatant I'm hitting on you. It's, it's like, right? I mean, I'm trying to like, cut through you.


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[Assistant] But as far as specifically what he said, I mean, cause A is like, you know.


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[Assistant] But I think hitting on, I mean, I think what he's like, it suggests like the type of, you know, a guy who goes like, how can I make this work? And I think he's like, the way that I interpret it is he's saying a guy who,


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[Assistant] Who knows, who's confident in himself isn't like, how can I?


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[Assistant] What line can I say? What should my, he's just like, hi.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, is that right to think of somebody with feelings as Beta?


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[Assistant] A subordinate male animal in a particular group. A man tending to assume a passive or subservient role in social or professional situations.


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[Assistant] Uh, clearly you can, uhm, it does work for people, like obviously that works for some people.


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[Assistant] This is why you can tell if you're with a man, a beta man. He cares about what you want in bed.


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[Assistant] I guess no, they're saying that the alpha is just like, it's about me. That's what this is suggesting.


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[Assistant] Ten things that you women should know about. You're always beautiful.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's major beta energy to me. That guy exactly defines that.


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[Assistant] It's bullshit, but it's done under the guise of like, this is honesty, and I can see the truth, but it's actually bullshit.


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[Assistant] You know, because he, he can't actually be himself.


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[Assistant] And get you. He gets you because you bought into his trick.


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[Assistant] You don't have to be perfect because nobody is, but you know, yeah, I think he's might be lying to a lot of you about like how beautiful you are. Yeah.


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[Assistant] How you should be, uh, always be treated like a queen.


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[Assistant] I was like, man, the breath that I just took after that felt so good.


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[Assistant] Uh, like that. So it was actually like air coming out of both ends, you know? It was so nice. It felt so good. I was so glad that you were there to share it with me.


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[Assistant] Few more, few more months. No, don't lie. Few more months than that.


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[Assistant] Maybe, I don't know. I do know that I feel like you are so vile in your behavior most of the time.


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[Assistant] You belch and fart with reckless abandon, and you'll always want me to notice. Like, you fart and I'm like, and you go, oh, did I do that? And I'm like, ugh.


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[Assistant] I don't. I don't want to. Look at me. I don't want to hear them all. I don't.


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[Assistant] Not taking it too far. I'm telling you, I don't want to hear them.