[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tale was wild because it said that Joseph and Theodosia were arguing over the morality of her father's actions, like his whole thing with Hamilton, and that there was such a blowout that that's why she decided to go to New York. But we know that's not true. She was fleeing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so this is why this one is not really a good one. This one also says that she took her two children with her. She only had one. She didn't have any children at the time. Their child died of malaria. But the story says that Gibbs, so you can take that and say people probably switched it. But the story says that Gibbs heard of this trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And thought that the ship was likely to have tons of valuable shit on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he set a trap, captured the ship, everyone on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a tale that uhm, in this tale many of the crew and officers were murdered and he decided to put all the survivors to death as well by walking the plank. Okay. Uhm, obviously this is bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, and they, they very much like, in all these stories, they very much like romanticize it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pirates and the wearing all white and all that. Um, but a similar story appears roughly 10 years after the Gibbs story. Most of the same kind of plot points, but this one says that a rough and hard looking former sailor by the name of Benjamin Burdick was on his deathbed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and he was in, uh, Michigan when he was on his deathbed and wished to unburden himself by confessing to, yes, uh, unbur, but um, um, but he wanted to confess his role in the death of Theodosia Burke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The story was supposedly told to a Mrs. Parks, the wife of a local Methodist minister. And it was in, I guess there was three witnesses there to hear it. They are unnamed. It's pretty vague. And according to Burdick, as a boy in 1813, he was on board a pirate ship who came upon the Patriots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said they kind of chased them. The patriot was captured by pirates. Burdick claimed that they had taken everything of value off the ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they then compelled the captain and every passenger on board to walk the plank into the sea and all perished.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They kind of, he also kind of romanticizes this. Um, you can read this in the Montgomery County Sentinel from 1883. He said, there was this one lady on board who was a beautiful, who was a beautiful appearing, intelligent and cultivated person who gave her name as Mrs. Theodosia Burr Alston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When her turn came to walk the fatal plank she asked for a few moments time, which was gruffly granted to her. I was like, I don't think pirates are letting her have time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She appeared as calm and composed as if she were at home and not a tremor crept over her frame, nor did any pallor overspread her features as she walked towards her fate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As she was taking the fatal steps, she folded her hands over her bosom, raised her eyes to heaven, she fell and sank without a murmur or sigh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, he went on to say that uhm, it was his quote, unhappy lot to be delegated by the captain to pull the plank from beneath her. Oof. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now let's get on to one of my favorite theories, is that she became a pirate queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the rumors of the, you know, them being taken by pirates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They began circulating almost immediately after it was announced that she had disappeared. But it wasn't until decades later that the story really like started gaining some footing. And according to the one particular legend, a group of researchers discovered evidence that the weather reports at the time of Theodosia's departure weren't actually what they said they were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems like this theory says that there was something that was assumed to be a violent storm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that this is the one that says like, okay, so that didn't happen. They were not lost in a storm. So they were definitely commandeered by pirates. And one of these pirates was a pirate turned respected citizen by the name of Dominique Frederick Yu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, it said that you had been a member of a mysterious fraternal order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and apparently some of the primary tenets of this maternal order was, quote, the protection of daughters of members against all harm. Which, obviously, Aaron Burr, Theodosia Burr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now if she had told you upon the time of being captured, I am Aaron Burr's daughter, I am Theodosia Burr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He couldn't have done anything to bring her harm. So this is the one that says, well, she lived her days out happily among the pirates. And it says that she was smart. She had a very wide skill set, especially for a woman of her time. She was also youthful and beautiful and she had everything that you need to be a pirate queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Many of their weather reports at least, and the legend kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just relies on a woman who matches Theodosia's description being frequently seen in the company of pirates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And actually not even just pirates. Pirates like uhm, there was a well known pirate named Jean Lafitte. Uhm, he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is where like people saw a woman who looked like Theodosia in his company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's even hard to connect them because you would have to be like, okay, so you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is connected because he is conveniently a part of this really vague fraternal order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That apparently he and Aaron Burr were in, even though there's no real evidence to such.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that this fraternal order would have had this weird, like, you have to protect daughters of members kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in reality, like, fraternal orders and societies at the time in America were just like social clubs. Like, they weren't like the skull and bones, like, they weren't like, you know, the skulls. Like, there was no like really intense things. And pirates were not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They literally live their lives to avoid having to be bound by any kind of societal laws. So why would, why? Like that doesn't make any, that's just not a very probable, not impossible, but very not probable. Agreed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now another one I'm going to talk about and I think this is the last one I will talk about is the nags head painting theory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it did gain a little bit of credibility in the late 19th, early 20th centuries when a woman who was living in Elizabeth City, North Carolina came forward


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she had a painting and she claimed that this painting was of Theodosia Burr Alston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was there that he discovered a painting quote, quote, quote, quote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This painting, it was apparently discovered during the winter of 1812 and it was when America was fighting the English and a small pilot boat had drifted ashore a few miles from Nags Head. The woman said that the boat was in perfect condition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was like literally a meal, undisturbed, sitting on the table. It was like, it was just frozen in time. And they said, and she said it looked like it had just been abandoned by everyone on board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she was like, when I saw, when we saw it, we thought obviously pirates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when the woman explored the ship, that's when they found the painting of Burr hanging on one of the walls. And they also found like silk dresses, they found flower, like wax flowers, which were very like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, that's where we found it, so we took the stuff, I have it here, and that's the origin of it. She was like, that's why I was a little reluctant to tell you, because I kind of stole it off an abandoned boat. So the doctor was there obviously to help her. Yeah. And so in order to pay him, she was like, okay, well I just told you this whole story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she said, you know, do you want to take the painting as your payment? And he was like, fuck yeah, I do. Cause that's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this story says that the painting was actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Originally intended as a gift to Aaron Burr. That's why it was on the ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and it was actually, apparently according to this, was known to be among the cargo that was loaded onto the Patriot. Uhm, so it says that the pirates boarded the ship, they made everyone walk the plank, they killed everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they got surprised in the middle of getting their bounty off this ship by a government cruiser ship and they abandoned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before they could take everything. That I believe. Now this goes along with the dying confessions of two criminals executed years before in Norfolk, Virginia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they said they were part of a pirate crew and this is exactly what they did. Like they both gave those stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So. And what's even more interesting is the painting is real. Yeaah. Like Dr. William Poole is real.


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[Assistant] I think so. If it's not the storm, this one could be it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think everybody just goes with pirates because I think, you know, humans really don't like mysteries. We like it, but we want it solved at the end. We want it tied up in a bow. And we will often do a lot of like loopity loops just to get to that end game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in the end, Theodosia Burr-Alston was truly a remarkable human. Absolutely. She was brilliant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was afforded a lot of advantages in life, but she took a lot of advantage of them as well. Like she didn't just take them and rest on her laurels. And again, like, it seems like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People loved her, like you look at these letters that were exchanged between people that were like courting her and between her father and her and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People were really, really astonished at the charm she had, the grace, the wit, the intelligence, like, they were taken aback by her. And for her to be able to captivate that many people around her, especially in that time, as a woman,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were expected to be pretty and clean the house. That's pretty amazing. And unfortunately,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think it's important that even though we talk about these like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, fantastical theories, there's pirates, there's pirate queens, there's all this craziness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a badass woman. Like, it's kind of, it's very, like, she's very feminist, she's very, like, this was a very oppressive era, like we said, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really not, it's a, it's a tragic story, tragic lives, you know, with little glimmers of hope in between.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Prime members, you can listen to Morbid early and ad free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad free with Wondery Plus and Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I was like 6, so you were 16. So 16 year old Alayna was standing, Killian Murphy. So funny to think that we're like, cause now, like obviously we're 10 years apart, always, like that's how time works. Yea, that is how time works. It's funny because I don't feel that far away from you in age anymore, so hearing that like, you were 16 when I was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad you're watching Peaky Blinders. Thank you. That's something I do want to eventually watch. I'm just not there yet. There you go. Yea, that's our TV schedule for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, uhm, my stepmom is like, British and her mom was like, actually like, lived in Britain. Her name was Cleo and she was the coolest fucking lady. And she would just like, read you, but like, in the funniest way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll have to get back to you after I read the 602 books that you recommended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the other thing, the fact that he's doing this in the dark and this is a kind of a crude question to ask, but do organs make a lot of noise when they're being taken out of the body? Like I would think that like when you take somebody's intestines out and slump them over their shoulder that that would make


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you do this? Like rip things away with your hands? Can you do the uhm, like take it from the mezzanine?


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[Assistant] So again, you wonder if it's like this guy has some kind of like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, like I'm, I want to think that he must have known her medical history.


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[Assistant] For some reason, ever, ever since I've known about Jack the Ripper, which obviously you introduced me to this case, I have always found the letters to be one of the most fascinating parts of this case. They are. They're fascinating. I mean, like, from hell.


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[Assistant] Alright guys, welcome to the Really Good Podcast with your host, Babi Altaf. Today we have... Suki with a girl called Chi. What she said, that is who we have here today. Uhm, Suki, I'm not gonna lie, the alcohol we drank before, I'm feeling it. Yea, me too.


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[Assistant] Only for SeatGeek would I do this again. I think SeatGeek is amazing. I use it every time I buy tickets. You can buy tickets for anything, concerts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, whatever else you buy tickets to, all the things that you buy tickets to, you can buy it too. And if you use code Bobby with the B-O-B-B-I spelled in all caps, you will get $20 off of your total. Make sure when you're shopping that you go ahead and look for green.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's a good idea. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe. What do you, do you want to perform right now? What do you mean by that? Like clothes on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay yeaah. Maybe wait till I ask you a few questions.


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[Assistant] That's amazing. I don't, I didn't know that about you. What do you know? That you're a musician. But that's why I'm interviewing you today, so I can get to know you.


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[Assistant] So you think- I didn't say magician. Suki, I said musician.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, you're supposed to, you walked in here. Yeaah, you walked in.


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[Assistant] You walked in here, and I said, oh sorry, I gotta run. And then you were like, why is that funny?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay fine, let me think of something that actually makes you sad. Uh, you text me and I didn't reply.


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[Assistant] You say you're in LA and you wanna hang out but I don't get back to you in time. What do you do? No, okay. You...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that was really good. Do you want some water or something? Thank you. Tissue? Does anybody have tissue? You want some? I don't have tissue. Toilet paper?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, uhm. Wow, that was a lot. But, that was good actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what were you thinking about with the broccoli? Were you thinking about its family? And like, where did this broccoli come from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then you got really sad. You did that well. I want to act one day, so I think that I should, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ask me to do something else. Ask me to do something else. I can do anything. I'm an actress. Go ahead. I mean, okay, you cry about broccoli. You can't just steal what I said. Give me a new thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get out of prison, and I said no, and now I live in prison. So why would you say no? Because I didn't want to tell people. Okay, look at you. And they gave me my $500.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm done crying. Thank you. My audition's over. I think you did good. Alright, thank you so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean I kinda came to you. Cause I lived in LA. I came to you in Miami.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Okay, uhm, anyway, I was really excited to- Oh look, our alcohol is here. Do you want a drink? Suki? Alright, but who-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said, she said no, but she's reconsidering. You can just hand it to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't be annoying. Wow, I'm gonna be drunk. It's okay. I've never gotten drunk in an interview before. I have. You have? What happened? Was it good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, your mom wrote that for you. Does she still help you write music?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think so? What's like your nastiest lyric ever? What? Don't look at me like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love those lyrics, and I'm happy that you found a community who, uh, has the same goals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He answered my phone call the last interview I was doing. I called him. I wonder if he'd answer with you, but would he know who you are?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gone, he left. He went to go get us hamburgers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just confused because of course the person in your contacts are going to know who you are. Are you calling your mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I will call, it's Mark Cuban, I will, okay. Uhm, I don't have my phone. Will you get the phone call here? Uh, someone forgot to remind me of that, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a question. When do we get to the bottom of the string?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I feel like people might be looking at me and it's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything. No, I truly stand there and I, I uhm, I just stand there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel, I don't, I don't want to be like that though. I want to dance, but I don't know how to. So I'm scared that people will look at me and be like, oh she's dancing. That's gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you, are you, that's a good number. I think it's like God's number. Yeah, it's a good number. You should have seven kids. Uhm, so, are you dating?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I thought you was- I don't know anybody else that's rich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you're doing because you're not going to pour the dressing on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That work? Do you feel like that was steak? Not when you said it. Okay, why? What happened when I said it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna entertain for me, please. Okay, I will. Don't stop the cameras.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, anyway, sorry that I had to pee guys, that's really unprofessional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You turned, thank you. I was like, this is really weird. And I'm also kind of uh, buzzed. So I noticed I was talking out loud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To myself in the mirror for a second, I was like, oh my god, he can hear me. That's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not ovulating right now. Oh my god. Are you ovulating? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A butt? What'd you say? You said butt. I knew there was a butt coming after that. Yeah. Okay, continue with your butt. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna lie, I thought by the bottom of this I'd feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More, like, dancing. I don't think that was enough, though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, so did you know that the hotel charged us $500 for that bottle that we're about to drink?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I feel like we have to be billionaires. We need to start a product together. What would you start with me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Is that when she was blind? She was blind? I think she just lost- no, I don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, we need to go to Mars when the world goes to hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, can you give me a minute? Yeah. Okay, let me think. We'll come back to that if you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would you drink it? He works for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that. And he drinks my drinks. He put that on my card, I bet. Did you? Yeaah. He put that on my card and he drank it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's, let's follow that. Cause I feel like I couldn't do that. But maybe I could. I think I, I actually always think when I see DIY videos that I could do that. You get arrested for DIYs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was that? It's just... That's how you walk when you get pulled over for DUIs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Were you her? Yeah, probably. That was rude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt like it was a little good, no? Like for a second there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you don't, I feel like you don't want to start a company with me. Is that what I'm getting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't see one review. I feel like this isn't what you say to your new business partner. You feel like you're being a little- Alright, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you think that? You just like, I feel you have more money than me, I feel it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said we can't talk about it no more. I know, but what is like the difference between us and them? What separates us? What makes us better?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we ask the person with billions of dollars? Cause he's on a show called Shark Tank. And like he, have you seen that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I promise you I would never do that to you. Okay. Do you think he would answer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, yea. And if he thinks, I'll be like, are you all in? And then I'll be like, maybe you should go in 100% of the money because he obviously has more money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a billionaire. He's a billionaire? Yeah, we're not there yet. We want to go to Mars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I didn't give him this idea yet, we just came up with it right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well let's just see if he replies. I think this is a great idea. I think it's great. I think we're gonna be billionaires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't trust me, but you're gonna, okay, this doesn't, I feel you're contradicting yourself a lot today, Suki. You can trust me. Do you have any tattoos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we can market for ourselves, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just friends. Just friends? Wow. It's just for people who are just friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then also people can post regular videos. That doesn't make me wanna get loose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also you can go on it if you don't want to get loose because this applies to everyone. It's like an appeal to just a wide variety of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, you can, okay, I'll do one word, I'll do one word, okay. Uh, just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think people on the site are looking for love, this isn't a dating site.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. And everyone on the app is paid well. Like they get a high percentage instead of, I don't know what the... We do lower than them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello. Thank you so much for coming on the really good podcast with your host, Bobbi Eltoff. Uh, today I have my daughter with me because- It's beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my dad, my dad named me. He thinks it's a cute name, you don't?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A farm. Yeah. You know Colombia? Oh yes. Why were you on a farm? You know what Colombia is? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your very big brother from like a different mother, 20 years before you. Other generation. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I really wanted to be a mom, so it felt pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I can't cut that, because you said it too many times and she's too far along in the braid, but if we cut that out, people will notice that she-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Haven't been this entire time, do you hear her? She's dreaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should start messing up a little bit more to keep your story straight. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. I feel like this is your interview now and you're interviewing me. I'll answer, but then we can get back to questions about you. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, while I was sitting down one day, and I was like, how can I make money? And then I saw that podcasts make a lot of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do. And I don't know that I could ever go back to not flying first class, so I do think I'll keep doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until I stop making money from it and then I'll find something else that I can make money from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it for the money right now? Or that's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when you don't have money. When you sit in the back of the plane, they're so mean to you. But when you sit in the front of the plane, they're so nice to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I've never held my baby for an interview, so next time if I'm planning on it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holding, that's such a random thing to do that, that surprises you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everything changes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that's why you took up the art of doing other people's nails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I met a girl at the park one day when I was a nanny and she lived in Rotterdam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And right by it. And she was like, do you want to go on a trip with me? I was like, sure. So if she was from Columbia, I would have gone there, but she wasn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. Hi guys and welcome to the Really Good Podcast with your host, Bobbi Althoff. We're starting our interview now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they had a pair of sketchers, that's like-


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[Assistant] That's- okay, don't go too far, cause the next time you're getting your hair braided by someone else, they're gonna be offended.


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[Assistant] Mhm. No, we didn't plan it. I'm not that smart.


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[Assistant] There's no way your plane is just sitting there with someone. How does that work?


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[Assistant] Uhm, can you please give him like, some weird something with the rest of the hair?


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[Assistant] I'm okay. Uhm, do you have anything else you want to tell them while she finishes her hair?


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[Assistant] Thank you so much for not meeting me halfway at all there. Uhm, that's gonna be a wrap on this interview.


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[Assistant] Don't worry, mommy's coming, I'm not gonna do this anymore. Have a great day. Uhm, Maluma. Or whatever your other name- No way, no.


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[Assistant] No. She's doing it for sure? No.


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[Assistant] Ah, mommy! Oh, my mom. My mom, she would take me right away from this situation.


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[Assistant] Oh, but she's doing good, it's tight.


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[Assistant] You know there's deodorant that doesn't have chemicals in it? Show me which one.


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[Assistant] For yourself, like you're self-aware at least.


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[Assistant] Okay, so tell me about yourself. When did you start boxing?


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[Assistant] Watch what you're saying! Look, we're sitting the same. I've never seen a guy sit like that.


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[Assistant] Uhm, do you like my boxing shorts?


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[Assistant] Do you have like a backup plan in case that happens? Me? Perhaps?


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[Assistant] I'm okay. I'm really good at tying shoes. Do you work out?


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[Assistant] Okay, yeaah, I think we should definitely fight. You also forgot your mic.


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[Assistant] Alright guys, thank you for tuning in to the really good podcast. I'm back and uglier than ever because I fucked up my face, but we're gonna ignore that right now. Uhm, we're just gonna proceed.


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[Assistant] I just, I LA'd too hard. I got Hollywood-ified.


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[Assistant] I, I just got, I'm a seller and everything and I just got it all dissolved yesterday. So now, it's, I'm bruised up.


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[Assistant] Cause I was like, oh, I could look so pretty cause I wanted to have like a perfect face. And then I realized that.


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[Assistant] Alright, I'll cut it. Uhm, so we each do half of it.


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[Assistant] Thank you. Alright, now I'm gonna mix up my sauce.


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[Assistant] And for my sauce today, I'm going to be doing a little bit of...


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[Assistant] I have watched a thing or two and I'm gonna do a little bit of honey because it's sitting out there and I feel like...


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[Assistant] Yeah, that you should, you should have a honey thing.


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[Assistant] Two scoops seems like enough actually. And then you're going to take some of these because


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[Assistant] I think my salmon's about done, so I'm gonna pull it out of the oven now.


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[Assistant] I might. I made uhm, chicken noodle soup and you said I didn't have enough broth.


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[Assistant] Chicken? You buy it, should I tell my recipe?


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[Assistant] Because you don't want to pick through a chicken and you want it to be cooked already because you don't want to risk putting...


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[Assistant] Alright, and now I'm gonna be taking my salmon out of my oven. Actually, I think my


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[Assistant] Let me check if mine's cooked first. Is this like, do I need to put a rod down before I set my thing here? No.


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[Assistant] That's amazing, I just put my hot pan down on here and nothing is gonna come of it. Okay, now we have to ta- I'm not done cooking mine yet, Bobby.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so what you have to, this is, you wanna know how it, yeah, I guess. Okay, so listen, at home when I cook salmon, this is how I do it. And you might,


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[Assistant] Sometimes if you need to slice your salmon in four pieces, it'll get it cooked more evenly and then you don't have to worry about having little pieces like that.


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[Assistant] Uh, for, I'm gonna put it back in for 4 minutes and 30 seconds.


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[Assistant] Okay, and while it's cooking in the oven, I'm gonna take this.


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[Assistant] What's wrong with my piece? I'm gonna love eating it. And then I'm gonna take this extra virgin olive oil. Uhm, do your kids know how to cook?


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[Assistant] That's great. You don't cook for her?


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[Assistant] I thought you were going to say like something mean and let me down. Like I think actually she wouldn't want to leave. So you think she wants to be friends with me?


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[Assistant] They don't know how to cook yet. Cause I haven't taught them yet.


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[Assistant] No, I'm just gonna get rid of this one piece, that's all. You can eat it though. Here.


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[Assistant] That's not bad. I'm gonna not use my sauce cause I feel like you didn't mix the little green things into yours and I feel like I made a mistake doing that.


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[Assistant] Wow. Look at that. That's everything. Mine's prettier.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I do. I'm gonna actually caramelize a lemon real quick.


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[Assistant] I might, mine might be prettier. And you know what I'm gonna do, Bobby? I'm gonna put some mustard in the holes so they look intentional.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'd use molecular astronomy, okay. And you're only gonna need one of these on it.


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[Assistant] I thought you were choosing. That's embarrassing because you weren't. I'll follow you because this isn't my restaurant. I don't know where I'm going. I think you forgot our forks, Bobby. You did.


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[Assistant] Be so honest, because I actually would make this and I would probably eat it myself.


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[Assistant] Okay, 1 out of 10, I would rate it like, uhm,


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[Assistant] Okay, so what you're gonna do is you're gonna eat it. I just like saying that because in cooking shows they say that a lot.


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[Assistant] Sort of, except for I made it sound like my grandma was like, just handing me necklaces this morning, and she's clearly not doing that, but yeah. Uhm, I got all glammed up today to hide my face.


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[Assistant] You don't hate each other? No. Why? He's trying to like, come for you.


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[Assistant] I mean, the way you're picking around at my food. I'm doing the same to yours though. Uhm, I have a question. Do you cook all the salmon for everyone here?


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[Assistant] So if you mess up, you can land at any one of his restaurants, just two here.


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[Assistant] She said she loved an Alfie. She said she loved something there and I forgot what it was. But I was like, that's cool.


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[Assistant] It was casual, and I was fast on my skates.


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[Assistant] Mhm. I was fast casual when I roller skated.


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[Assistant] Well Bobby, I appreciate you inviting me to... Brasserie.


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[Assistant] And then I'm gonna get, oh, you can get surgery I heard to get taller. How tall are you?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's debatable. Most of the debates would probably say I wasn't, but I think I am.


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[Assistant] He's gonna lounge on his couch in Brazzery V. Hey, I'm not moving, so if you wanna-


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[Assistant] Wait, I have a question. If I walk in here, I'm being so serious right now.


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[Assistant] I'm friends with Bobby. Will they just move whoever's sitting at this table? And like let me- no? Okay.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, it was him alright. But it was more than eight guys. It was more like twenty.


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[Assistant] Our focus is episode 5, Crossroads. A connective episode, linking the front half of the series to the back half.


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[Assistant] It's a structurally nuanced affair, which unfolds partially in flashback.


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[Assistant] And moves the men from Operation Market Garden in the Netherlands to the gruesome slog that awaits them at the Battle of the Bulge.


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[Assistant] The episodes are crossroads, not just for Easy Company.


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[Assistant] But also for its leader, our hero, Dick Winters, as we've seen promoted to Battalion Commander.


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[Assistant] A move which coincides with Easy's transition from well-oiled fighting force to undersupplied, undermanned, and outgunned unit.


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[Assistant] More than any, the episode has a meta quality.


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[Assistant] By filtering the story through Winter's viewpoint to meditation on leadership.


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[Assistant] The retelling of war stories about memory.


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[Assistant] Against the sound of him squeezing the trigger of his M1 Garand.


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[Assistant] Firing a shot that will stay in his mind decades later. This episode is one of the most indelible of the entire series and one that grows in meaning for me every time I watch it. All of that and the Jimmy Fallon cameo.


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[Assistant] My guest today is the very first person attached to the Band of Brothers project who is not a Hanks or a Spielberg.


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[Assistant] A gent who threw himself into the task of meticulously studying all things easy company from primary documents and diaries to interviews with the men themselves.


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[Assistant] A process that led not just to the creation of the Band of Brothers Bible, an enormous opus that served as the formative text for the show, but also a deep lasting friendship with the real Major Dick Winters, whose eulogy he had the privilege of delivering upon his death.


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[Assistant] We welcome to the show supervising producer, lead writer, the gent who penned episode five, a man who's an honorary member of easy company via the decree of major winters himself for reals. It's the one and only Mr. Eric Jendresen.


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[Assistant] It's a joy to be with you. Let's go right back to the origin story.


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[Assistant] ...of your connection to Band of Brothers to borrow a line from Genesis in the beginning.


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[Assistant] Steven Spielberg Adoption, Citizen Soldiers, One Steven Ambrose Book, Tom Hanks Adoption, Band of Brothers, Competing Projects, Dueling Banjos if you will,


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[Assistant] Ambrose's original book, Band of Brothers, which you loved. But in reading it, you realised a lot was missing.


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[Assistant] Where Major Richard Winters had retired. And this house, you've described it as, akin to a little easy company museum. Can you take us there?


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[Assistant] This was a pro move to prove your bonafide ace.


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[Assistant] And so began an extraordinary friendship.


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[Assistant] Built over three years plus of daily conversations between you and Dick Winters, of which you've said was life changing for both of you.


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[Assistant] And I found this very moving. Your story.


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[Assistant] That the first time you left Winter's home and took off on your flight.


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[Assistant] You look down at Hershey below you and you realised. Well, you tell us what you realised.


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[Assistant] And thus you began to recreate the Easy Company narrative from the beginning of training to the end of the war. And I love the way you described your modus, your sense of mission and the weight of responsibility you felt. You said, my goal was to serve the experience.


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[Assistant] The signature of the success of the show. That goal to almost D. John Wayne-ify Warfare.


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[Assistant] I love this line of yours, Eric. This was the most egoless production in Hollywood history. It sounds almost oxymoronic.


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[Assistant] God love Hollywood. The only place where they watch Band of Brothers and the takeaway from it is what? Zero notes! The rest of us are just absolutely captivated.


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[Assistant] So let's dive into episode 5. You were supervising producer and lead writer. So you were able to choose exactly which episodes you wanted the script. You chose episodes 1, 5 and 10. The first, the middle, the last. What about this one drew you to it?


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[Assistant] Directed by one Tom Hanks, Captain Miller himself, Hanks executive produced the entire series, and of all the episodes he could have directed,


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[Assistant] You choose this one. Can you talk about your Rotor Director partnership and how it works?


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[Assistant] He even makes a cameo in the episode. Yes he does.


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[Assistant] In the scene where the Red Devils are celebrating after Easy brings them back over the river. Glimpse Hanks. Definitely a top 10 Hanks role, but episode 5 opens.


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[Assistant] Eric, an incredible opening scene, a magnificent swirling set piece, a running shot, heavy breathing, galloping footsteps, a close-up of a bayonet, Winters stopping a crossroad seemingly solo, charges above an embankment, confronting an armed young German lying impotently in the grass for a second. The two lock eyes, an incredibly powerful moment.


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[Assistant] You see briefly the humanity of both men, Lady Bear.


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[Assistant] It's almost as if you are reminding us that these men may be on opposing sides of war, but they are living, breathing human beings.


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[Assistant] The number one question everyone has about Band of Brothers. Does Winters know what's in the picture before he pours?


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[Assistant] I do love Captain Nixon's advice on how to write a good report.


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[Assistant] But Winters was not just writing any report, he was distilling a truly traumatic moment. That combat report of the action from the show open 12 days earlier on the south side of the dyke near Ranvik. I'm fascinated though by the time jumps which make the episode feel reflective. What was the thought process behind playing with time? That decision.


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[Assistant] We're back in the field. Winter's position's first squad to take out the visible German soldiers.


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[Assistant] With soon spirals into a kinetic quick cut of water rounds suppressing fire. The bullets and the tightrope-rater keys continuing to play off each other as we ricochet between past and present. Winters has no idea at all how many Germans are positioned above them. Could be as many as a battalion in his mind.


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[Assistant] And those echoes of the Somme, that is First World War trench war darkness. Steely grimaces, pursed lips all round. Then that canister of red smoke unleashed. Winters takes off before his men, leading from the front as usual.


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[Assistant] Which is such a core of the entire Band of Brothers show. It's a value that you, Eric, have said you came to learn was embedded across that entire generation.


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[Assistant] Crout's in the open, fire for effect!


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[Assistant] It turns out the men have attacked two entire cracked SS companies. A turkey shoot in shoes. Steven Ambrose wrote easy put out more energy than a heavyweight boxer in a 15 round title match.


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[Assistant] I have to say, Damian Lewis is magnificent in this episode. What made it clear that it had to be him for the part?


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[Assistant] You know both men, Eric. Winters and Damian Lewis.


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[Assistant] How close was the actual portrayal to the real thing? Charisma aside.


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[Assistant] As the smoke literally clears on the battlefield, there's one American fatality, just 22 Americans injured. But there's also an overhanging awareness and the lack of intel before the maneuver. There's almost a sense of foreboding, Eric, that for all of Winter's courage,


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[Assistant] It could all have gone a completely different way and many more men, including Winters, could have lost their lives.


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[Assistant] One small detail I do love, Private David Webster, who'd left Harvard to join the paratroopers and had established himself as a thinker, a philosopher, a writer. I will be honest, I do love him. Regretting his instinctive reaction to being shot. They got me.


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[Assistant] A writer, editing his own words, mourning his use of cliche.


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[Assistant] Winters is promoted by Colonel Sink to Battalion Executive Officer, a promotion he politely parries.


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[Assistant] Knowing in that second he's gonna be even further away from them.


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[Assistant] Winters has been firmly positioned as a cog in the army bureaucracy, a cog with an office and an orderly of his own.


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[Assistant] Just goes dark on us, riding on that metro alone, winter sees a street kid, and his face momentarily transforms into that of the Germany killed at the crossroad.


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[Assistant] Thematic of trauma came from your experience talking to the men of Easy Company back in the 90s and how hard it was for them initially even to talk about what they had done, to find the words, the sons of the depression who


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[Assistant] Have been thrown into a foreign reality where they experienced horrors, atrocities, the likes we couldn't imagine.


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[Assistant] And once they were back home, they could never explain it. They had no frame of reference to compare it to. And so they'd almost fallen silent post-war.


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[Assistant] To be clear, most of the men you interviewed, most of them had combat trauma untreated.


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[Assistant] And left simmering, and you, you bait that into this episode with Nixon's drinking, or Buck Compton being a shell of himself after returning from hospital.


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[Assistant] And it's almost as if Saving Private Ryan had cracked open the memories of a lot of these aging veterans. You once said, band of brothers, kick that door in.


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[Assistant] The disconnect with civilian life. It's almost as if on the battlefield.


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[Assistant] You can keep it together, but shorn of that role, Eric. Those life and death obligations. Winter's phrase.


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[Assistant] Lewis can do an American accent in a way most English people can't, but my god, there's no hiding that, Eric. That white pasty body. That screams English in that moment. And the rest of the episode positions easy.


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[Assistant] For all that's to come in the series, but it does it in a truly human way. We are back with the men in the field theatre, watching Seven Sinners, the 1940 John Wayne film, allowing you to hint at the gulf between Hollywood's telling of war stories and the realities of war. How did you choose that movie?


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[Assistant] That's incredible. I thought there'd be a process around the table where you all just brought in a dozen war movies that were just utterly ridiculous and contrasted perfectly to the true heroism of your men in this moment. But no, no, you were just serving the truth.


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[Assistant] Amazing. The movie is interrupted by a tech corpora-


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[Assistant] And so begins the long march towards Bastogne that breaks open Band of Brothers second half.


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[Assistant] The men are ill-equipped, no cold weather clothing, not enough ammo, a predicament that's exposed as they ready themselves to enter Belgium and encounter the horror of a column of retreating American soldiers, heavily injured, shell-shocked, a broken zombie army,


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[Assistant] In that moment, Eric, Easy Company can't compute what they're witnessing.


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[Assistant] Our guys start scrounging ammo and grenades from their defeated counterparts. Enter Jimmy Bloody Fallon.


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[Assistant] Lieutenant Rice in a jeep loaded with ammo. His role is brief, great father for Band of Brothers devotees on Reddit, but really it sets up one of the greatest lines in the series.


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[Assistant] The last scene is incredibly moving. Easy company marching snow and fire.


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[Assistant] In silence, way down but sure-footed towards Bastogne. Winters wants so badly to be with his men, but knows this is the moment they will enter battle for the first time without him.


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[Assistant] And in that moment, when I watch, I realise this episode, it's about leadership. Yes, but the flip side of that coin is that it's also an episode about loneliness. Winter's loneliness.


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[Assistant] The end cards of the show, Eric, are amazing. They read, easy company moved into the woods near Bastogne.


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[Assistant] Without any artillery or air support, it was short of food, ammunition and lat winter clothing. But you end with a line from the curahee scrapbook of the 506 Parachute Infantry Regiment.


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[Assistant] As for winters and your friendship, at the end.


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[Assistant] He made you an honorary member of Easy Company. He pinned the company's jump wings on you. As a writer, you had worked so bloody hard to serve the truth. Was there some affirmation in that moment about how he had served the truth?


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[Assistant] Sadly, you were right that day when you looked at Hershey after meeting Winters for the first time and the thought hit you that one day you would return to bury him in 2011. Not only did you do that, but you were asked to eulogise him and you called him


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[Assistant] As you said, the most balanced man you've ever met in your eulogy, which is beautiful. It's centered on winter's trademark three word sign off to you.


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[Assistant] What a joy to hear from Eric, a man who sat in Dick Winter's inner sanctum and plotted this wondrous series episode by episode. And coming up next, we follow Easy Company into the hellscape that is Bastogne.


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[Assistant] We're amid savage conditions and surrounded by death. We are given one of Bandit Brothers tenderest episodes.


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[Assistant] Yes, we will hear from the man who portrayed that empathetic healer, Doc Eugene Rowe, the one and only Shane Taylor, who provides insight about what drew him initially to play the Cajun medic.


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[Assistant] Make sure to subscribe to HBO's official Band of Brothers podcast wherever you get your podcasts.


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[Assistant] And please rate, review and share, it helps more than I can say. And a reminder, you can watch Crossroads and every single episode of that masterpiece Band of Brothers on HBO Max right now. Until next time.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but your pill pack is extra, extra packed.


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[Assistant] Yes, well, Adam has evidently been reading in comments that people are saying it looks like you are wearing a full face of makeup.


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[Assistant] So, is he like on your grundle?


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[Assistant] But if I'm dodging them, come on. That's a cool dad at that point.


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[Assistant] I, I borrowed them from Atiba. I didn't want to, cause the doctor, so.


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[Assistant] So you're saying let's flip the paychecks directly onto the table.


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[Assistant] Well, but then he, then again he could take the 50 and bet it on black and double it and then now he's in the fucking, now he's good.


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[Assistant] No way, it actually is Zapper-Sight Zappers Hill.


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[Assistant] I didn't really tap in with those guys. I feel like that was kind of on the more, more backpack side of, of, of rap in the bay, right?


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[Assistant] Uh, far side and all that, which looking back might be, you know, kind of a cleaner road to walk.


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[Assistant] Wow, you were 2000 and late to that one. You were very 2000.


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[Assistant] You were, you were elevated. You were, you were lifted.


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[Assistant] I remember- I would like to go back and rewatch that. Was Eight Mile actually a good movie? Makai Pfeiffer? I mean, I know Makai kills it.


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[Assistant] Well, this is 40, baby. Oh, Botox. Dude, this is really good. I've gotta give that.


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[Assistant] Honestly, I would love to. I would love to. I'm at the point I would, I think it would be pretty fun.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but that's like, Botox is nothing now. People fucking laser their face and shit. There's like so much more worse shit you could do.


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[Assistant] It's gotta be hard to, you know, be that sexy and then. And then you become less sexy? Yea, on your face.


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[Assistant] But luckily you're not coming from a place where you were like... I don't know if you heard Blake, he said to be that sexy. Yeah, you're not coming from a place where you were considered like an uber sexy person. Fallen from heaven.


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[Assistant] Yeah, fair. Do whatever the hell it's doing without that zoom filter on. Yeah, fair.


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[Assistant] Really, why are your lips so pink? They turn white. They are literally the color of pink starburst. Oh, damn.


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[Assistant] Let's do a guarantee, if you, if you get a ticket to the show in Atlantic City, you're gonna be...


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[Assistant] Fucking in the house, over a guaranteed nipple piercing.


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[Assistant] By then it will wear off and be what it looks like. I bet right out the gate your face is pretty frozen, but I think it's chill, dude.


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[Assistant] Atlantic City is where I want that procedure done. I think I like being where I'm at in Hollywood, California.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think in Atlantic City, they will literally inject shit and diarrhea into your face.


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[Assistant] And I will have a take back at the end about Rainforest Cafe because I shouldn't have took that shot at them.


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[Assistant] It's Americana, yeah. I haven't been since my 14th birthday, but from what I remember, there's a banana foster dessert. There is a, there's a good cheeseburger. Oh, we gotta get it. Like.


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[Assistant] It's kissing on it. Oh wait, we got a link to the Rainforest Cafe menu.


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[Assistant] When's the last time you had bruschetta? I feel like bruschetta fell out. Anaconda pasta? Bruschetta kinda fell out. Bruschetta was on the map for a second.


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[Assistant] That's the banger. And look, they, Adam, they have bourbon street salmon and coconut shrimp, so you can be the judge of that as the. Yeah, as the. Bacchus. The Bacchus King, yeah. Raining Bacchus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Adam, who was the Bacchus this year, do you know? Who did they, uhm, pass the torch to for Mardi Gras?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you, when we did the Bacchus thing, I caught the bug a little bit. I started to get it. It started to click. I'm like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, and if you think this is a joke, wait 10 years, this will resurface and will be told as truth. There's a lot of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a huge, that's a huge vodka right, or at least it was at one point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Adam, at this point, you have keys everywhere, all over the house, hidden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, no, I'm strictly stuck on the dial with beach boys. They're pretty safe. Like beach boys are pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they work hand in hand with TMZ. It's fuckin' cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to take back my slander towards Rainforest Cafe. I've always stood by Rainforest Cafe. I think it's an excellent establishment. The fact that there's only a few left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't steal Adam's joke. It's truly a tragedy. The rainforest cafes are... Adam had a pretty good joke offline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Adam, he reminded me that the rainforest cafes are disappearing very rapidly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] much like the rainforest. And I think we need to save the rainforest. Cafes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, people kinda came up a little weak, we're at 92, and it's just, yeaah, we need, we need- What the fuck, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously, if I thought I was gonna die, I probably would've tried to find someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the other thing is we're at Camp Longmore, we're on a military training camp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, Rod, when I say we drank the Kool-Aid, we drank the Kool-Aid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think, uh, yeaah, from my pocket, I believe so. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been, I've been up just, what do you mean? I wake up at 6.30, I feel great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, man. I do feel like I'm on the brink of tears at all times, but none have been shed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course I was. We were on the brink of a championship. It was about to be one of the funnest nights of my life. I saw it slip through my fingers and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh. Yeah. It would have been, it would have been an incredible moment in time, but you know what? I feel like today-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love that guy. Would've been cool to party with him. Damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the root of that grew is because I went, I saw Prince three times in my life and one time I went and there was a guy at a Prince concert who looked exactly like Prince and he was like front row of the show, like probably the most obsessed stalker of Prince.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had just assumed that those people were out and about and


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[Assistant] That's gotta be the first time either of them have been headlocked in decades. You wish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I mean, I went hard the night before, uhm, and I would have gone really hard the night of, but shit didn't work out, so I just went to bed. I was tired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a great time, got to roll with our agent, Abushi, he was a great time, we had a blast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All social media, like he just rocks it. He does this thing where he like does, it's almost like a talent show where you come in. What's the name of his, it's like a fake, or maybe it's a real record company. That's rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, I mean that, now I like your negativity towards the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, I thought that movie was about like, that was like a caper and they were like stealing shit. You've never seen The Talented Mr. Ripley? No. If I have, I'm not recalling it very well. Then your homework is to go watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on. Okay, this is second twenty and I'll play it for two seconds because we only have six seconds left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go 25. Okay, we'll go to 25 seconds. Here you go. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was at 25 seconds, which you, which you called, which is another bonus point, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're asking a lot of me. I could probably get it on the board next week. Oh, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw the hill and thought, hey, might as well ski. I need the members of Drew Hill. Oh, Nokio. No points, no points. Sorry, I'm just looking at him. There's a guy named Nokio. Listen to these dudes. Okay, there's Cisco. Larry. Adam, do you want to listen? Nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're gonna hate this, but her Tiny Desk is very good, Anders, and I know you hate that and you don't want to listen to it, but it is very good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it makes you feel real good. Uhm, Cisco's real name is Mark, by the way, so. Dude, that's what's so cool. Where did he come from Cisco? I'm like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The good news is, if this works, these tanks will be over the Rhine and into Germany. That could end the war, get us home by Christmas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, I have to tell you, have you tried ZOA Energy? ZOA Energy, it's a, it's a better for you energy. It's, uh, got great taste, it has electrolytes, BNC vitamins, and zero sugar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's made with caffeine from green tea, green coffee, and it provides a balanced energy with no crash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think of my first scary Hollywood interactions. It was definitely a terrifying


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, I don't think I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you would remember. Is that something you just forget about? I guess you could block it out of your memory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is. I had the Hooters Burbank shirt, and I lost it at Adam's bachelor party, which... I'm so sorry. No, that works. If you're gonna lose a Hooters shirt, be at your boy's bachelor party. That works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not coming back. You have to wear a disguise. Chloe has to wear a beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, salad? Yeah. Salad, yeah. Jizz salad. Near Aroma Cafe, I believe. And then there was also this place in Concord, there was a pizza that was like a baby inducer. Places claim to have shit that makes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean how often are births covered in diarrhea? Do you think that's a common thing or does the body...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, you huff the, the, the poo vapors. Mmm, the poo vapors. The vapors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Well, no way. I mean, you know when he's directing, he games, so we'll see. Right. There's those snacks that, that snack table is calling your boy. Woof, woof. Barbecue kettle chips. So tough. Craft city, crafty city. You know they got those all dressed chips in Canada, god damn. We'll be fucking with those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I meant, uh, symbolic. Symbolic fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feelings, I say embrace that. Embrace that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you spell it with a Z or a S, stuff like that, or short for something, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and then the more you, like, it's kinda like when you buy a car and then you start seeing the car on the road more, the more, like, once you name your kid that, you start to realize there's all these kids named that in the world. Cause they'll be like, my name's Bo, or my name's Mars. It's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't look up. You live in Roblox world and that's where you're gonna see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Estonian. Isn't that, I thought that was made up for Encino, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I haven't met a Kevin in a hot minute. Where's all the Kev's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I've never, I've met maybe one Kyle I kind of like, but usually I don't get along.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's too bad. Thank goodness you found the light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, and it's still damp January right now, so uhm, I am abstaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zoa Energy, our favorite, better for you energy drink, has launched a new campaign. Have you seen it? It's packing lots of BDE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyone can have BDE. Not just the dudes. Ladies! You know, Danny Garcia, one of the ZOA's founder, a woman, she's got BDE. My neighbor, this older woman across the street, I gave her a ZOA. She went from no BDE to a lot of BDE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy, cause you guys think we're American, we're not, we're not at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exactly what I was gonna say, Adam. Uhm, no, like literally just like a contact lens over the area that they laser to help it heal faster. But you gotta sleep with like, this like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. I didn't think you were going that way. I think it's burning flesh, bone, human, organic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it, baby. The first time it was happening to me while it was going on, I go, am I smelling my eye burning? And they're like, it's, it's the laser. No, that's the laser. I'm like, the laser smells?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not busy. What I was gonna say, cause I wasn't there to kind of, um, share this guys, was that we do it without guests. Yeah, that's true. No guests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're just presenting it. They said we're winning our award? They named the TII.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, is anybody more relevant than Travis and then his brother like retiring and apparently giving like the greatest speech humans have ever heard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He taped his ankles for the speech. I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, you could do that, you could thank the guy, or you can tape your ankles. Uhm, you know, that being said, I will bare-knuckle fight him over this right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to give thanks to Anders. I don't take thanks, I take thanks. I know you take thanks. So thank you for your thank you. I know you take some thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if I flew, my eyeball might have exploded. They talked about how I have to maintain my eyes pressure. And I was like, what happens if I don't?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, the like arms crossed with like the legs super wide talking you, I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I can't tell. He's alarmingly large. Cause what is he, 6'11"? Yea, he's probably a gamer. He's borderline 7 feet. It's a loss. It's a loss. He should take a knee. He should just have knee pads on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad that he brought it down to your level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? I think based on everything I've ever heard about him, is that this is his superpower. Is that he's one of the nicest good guys to talk to in like his era of Hollywood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, we, we, we, we work in a business, I guess everybody does, where personalities, personalities go a long way. And if you're like the nicest person, everybody fucking loves you. And I think he's just, I think he's one of those people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People find me with, uh, Papa Smurf. Uhm, yeaah. I think, I don't know what's funny. I don't think anything's funny anymore. Not to me at least. Oh really? You haven't laughed in a while. My children. You should have been with, uh. I just haven't seen old people fall for a very long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go! Wait, did you just say Tyson? Can we talk Tyson versus homeboy Paul? Oh yea, Tyson versus Jake Paul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't know if, I don't know if, I think Tyson's got the power still. I just don't know if it's legit. Like are they going 15 rounds? Like I don't know if he's got that kind of stamina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what happens when they bring us to touch glass. I'm like, I'll see you on the 15th. And he's like, what the fuck? So he's all psyched out by now, right? And then I die instantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trim the beard. Uhm, I don't know, I'm watching. I mean, dude, it's gonna be fucking great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin Oscar De La Hoya, like other legends of the era, but fighting Mike Tyson is like a scenario that for the last 30 years people have said, would you ever fight Mike Tyson for a million dollars?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you sponsored by Tito's? I feel like you've mentioned that specific detail a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me just tell you, there's so much titty milk in my fridge, I'm cooking meat tonight. Damn boy, get it. That's all, that's all I'm saying. Damn boy. Go ahead and open up Urban Dictionary to find out exactly what I just said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, uh, even if you're in like a Instagram discoveries just wormhole of like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do want to give a little shout out to the podcasts, I guess you could say we beat. That'd be Smartlist produced by my friend Bennett Barico.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess they're not gonna have a uh, little best comedy trophy on the fireplace that's probably much larger than mine. Yeah, sorry. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait. I cannot wait. Four to six weeks, huh? It's gonna be a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the end! That's a misnomer. We will not keep fighting till the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is important, is back on the road on Friday, April 19th. That's right, 420 Eve, my fellow stoners. I don't smoke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam Blake and myself, Anders are hitting the hard rock city hotel and casino in Atlantic city to bring TII nation to another live show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tickets are available now at HardRockHotelAtlanticCity.com or you can go to the link in our bio on our at pod important Instagram page. You are so dumb if you don't get your tickets right now because they will sell out hot, hot, hot. Yes points. Come party with us in Atlantic city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you drink Zoa energy drinks, it gives you big Dwayne energy, the swag, the confidence, and energy to help you conquer your day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go on Amazon and at a store near you like 7-Eleven, Costco, and more. For more info, go to zoenergy.com. That's z-o-a-energy.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not wet at this point. Nothing's wet. I'm just butt naked and I don't know where my pants are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, where'd you get that? You know, this is an audio medium, but I like to do visual bits. Someone gave it to me during our sick ass live tour. Embroidered real high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely over back for sure. What did I see? It says Naked Grandma though, which I thought, hey, what a fun, fun merch. I feel, you know, maybe we get some Naked Grandma hats. That being said, I haven't worn it out and about a lot. Yeah, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like, is it Jimmy Johns that gives you the option of like 6, 9, or 12? It's, they give you that 9.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They give you that like, in between, where you're like, you know what, I just six inch or sometimes doesn't get the job done. Then you gotta, then you gotta go chips. A jersey mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't, it's always just like, I guess if I'm gonna get the six-inch, I'm gonna need a little more food, so I'll get chips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, like Tik Tok-y sort of like, I'm doing the, the trend type thing. Right. Which is... I did an iceberg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's what I said. That was, that was the, how I got away with it. I was like, honey, I want to give it to my son when he's old enough to respect it, which will be on my deathbed. Who never? Dude. He's like 60 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A watch as heavy as a Rolex on my arm, I can't lift my arm. Cause I'm so old and weak. That's what I'm gonna gift him, my Rolex. When I'm so old and weak, I can't like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lift it up because it's too heavy. Or it'll just like rip my skin because my skin is so paper thin and soft that it can't handle steel around my wrist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are in entertainment. It was, by the way, it was very cool. It was not Cisco. Don't give it up. Anna in the chat was saying Cisco? Not Cisco. I wish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were in music. That's a great question. They were in music. And now...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huge in film. It's ludicrous. It is not ludicrous. Oh, LL Cool J.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, honestly, yes. That's exactly what he got. I don't know if he was buying that or he was getting it serviced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause they do. They do have them. They tell everyone they don't. They say they don't, they do. Okay. And they got it for me, and I'm in the back room, and then the guy's like, there's no one in this store, right? There's literally zero people. And then the guy, the guy's signing, he's like, oh uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Nice. Diamonds. Uh, I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he goes, he goes, we've met before. And I go, ooh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. And then his friend's like, yeah, no, we met. His friend was there. He's with two guys. And his friend goes, no, at, uh, some golf club. Uh, no. And he goes, you're a big golfer, right? And I go, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then said that we've maybe golfed together and I definitely haven't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cooked. Good song. Like Sun Kiss. Many wanna know who done this. Marky Mark and I'm here to move you. Rom's to groove to and I'm here to prove to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what was their song, what was their song where Mark Wahlberg like fucked a chair? I feel like that in my little kid brain, I just remember like Mark Wahlberg fucking a chair. Right. And then my parents being like, ah, maybe you don't watch this on MTV cause Mark Wahlberg's like fucking a chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I take it back. They are cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funky butt lovin', uh, would be so funny if he like pitched that to the group, to his crew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't run into that level of celebrity very often. He's way up there. Out in the wild. Not at a big party where you kind of expect to see some real famous people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have no idea about his lifestyle, but, uh, you know, nice guy and ran into him and then ran into Mark Wahlberg and called it a trip. Was home by 4pm. Was at my house at 4pm. What time did you fly out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was a, uh, that was a quick turnaround. I was like, dang, and it made me go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I've never been in like the actual card rooms in Vegas where they're all playing poker. It seems way too serious for me. And I'm like, oh I couldn't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be this level of intense. I think I would just not care and just go, I just take my fucking money. I'm not gonna sit here all goddamn day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I like Blackjack, because I'm like, meh, I'm either winning big, or I'm not, and then we're done. And then we're done. And then I'll wander around and drink some big beers, and uh, and have a great time. And it was, it was the Thursday before,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Super Bowl. So you felt the energy percolating. It was, it was fun. You felt, and you see the people that are drinking their coffees, like they had a night the night before. And then you see the people, it's 9.30 AM or 10 AM by the time I got there, 10.30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're like, I got a four-leaf clover, a mermaid, a horseshoe, and, uh, two diamonds, and I won, like, 75 cents. And you're like, how?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I have something. I think you could sit there, you could slow play it, and then give free drinks. Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then sometimes, uh, you know, I remember my, my parents' friends, they would go there and my parents would, you know, they're not big gamblers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're playing the slots and spending hundreds of dollars trying to win money. And my parents would sit there with them like slow playing like a quarter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then getting drinks with them. And it's a workout. If you're, if you pull it, you're kinda getting a little workout. Did you guys see the video of the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just hosing, dude. Hosing. What? I need to see this. Yeah, I'll find, I'll find the video of it. Just like- Just wiping down her legs or- No, just like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's sitting on the edge here, and it's just like sss, she's fully pissing. Oh dear. That's sad. It's wild. People- Those are your people. Do people- Those are my people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I pissed, uh, this is years ago, maybe ten years ago. I used to do with my buddy Walsh and, uh, Zack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do one day vacays, where I would take us on a little vacation for one day. And then, so I, I took us all to, uhm, San Francisco. And just one day, where we just go there, we party for one day, one day vacay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and we, you know, we're sharing a hotel room, you know, Walsh has a car, we have two beds in there. Uh, I get so drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now have you ever, have you ever, uh, cause I've had friends and family members, uh, do this and I've never done this. Just wake up and then piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll boil off. I don't, I would hope we threw it away, but I do remember it being like a real conversation that we had where we're like, I think we should throw it away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they don't walk in, like I've had people piss in the closet before. Right. Right. And they piss all over shoes. And you're like, well I'm not gonna throw shoes away. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blake, did you ever, were you a big pisser? I can't remember if you ever pissed on anything. I feel like you were. I feel like it's, it's kind of on brand, right? No, I wasn't, I wasn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and, and I have that like awareness when you're that level drunk. That's huge. Cause that, that level drunk is- Courtesy, it's a common courtesy. That's huge. You, you don't know what you're doing. The fact that you know that you have to sleep on the floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we drunk FaceTimed you at the Superbowl just a few weeks ago. Yeah, that's true, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's cause we're old. I feel like 22-year-olds are, are, I mean, imagine how embarrassing that is. Like, if you're drunk, like, you know, everyone has done like a drunk call that maybe they're a little embarrassed by. Right. Or, uh, but like, drunk FaceTiming and, and the girl, like your ex-girl or whatever is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever I get a Blake or a Teba FaceTime, I'm like 100% they're drunk. I'm drunk now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jerry Seinfeld doing a pop-tart movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So do we think possibly big pop tart?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you auditioned, but maybe you're top two or three and you didn't make the final cut, but you still did a good job, Anders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're like, I guess my jawline was too good. Too tall to be a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what, uh, can you give us any insight on this Pop-Tart? You didn't get it, so fuck em.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now is this like Blackberry or like the Uber show that they're explaining like how PopTart came to be or this is like an anime?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I feel like, I feel like the people that Dyrs goes up against in this list, it's, it's, uh, Max Greenfield.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, we'll see if it's another B-movie, you know? Oh my gosh. I like this guy just, I mean, Seinfeld.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does make some weird choices when he's like, I'm gonna come out of retirement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only do, I only do stand up, and I'm not gonna do any other show, and then he drops the B movie, which I don't know if I saw it or not, it could have been good, but uh, it is kind of a weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's science. But that being said, have you guys watched, dude, uh, dude, when I was on all kinds of pain pills after my surgery, my last surgery,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, the first one in August, the first, my first hip surgery, I mentioned, uh, I watched The Foods That Built America, and it's this, uh,


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[Assistant] I'm trying to get worms, bro. Worms? You think worms live in processed fucking packaged goods like that?


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[Assistant] Were there was just like stacks of Hot Pockets backstage and we're like, whoa, how did they just know exactly what I wanted to snack on?


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[Assistant] Hot, hot, hot, hot! Well, it's because Columbus is where Hot Pockets is located. And the fact, I mean, you gotta rep Hot Pockets if you live in Columbus, dude. That's a sick company to rep.


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[Assistant] And the fact that you say it gives you diarrhea, it makes me question your whole stomach and your bowels. The fact that you can't process Hot Pockets because they're fucking delicious.


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[Assistant] Cause I'm not saying I eat Hot Pockets all the time, but in my 20s, fucking up Hot Pockets. Fuck them up.


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[Assistant] Yes. Okay, please, please look up nerd and have it be a thing that makes sense to us. I'm telling you. And that's N-E-R-T? N-E-R-T. I don't know, I've never spelt it out. Uh, nerd. Yeah, that's, it says, oh, it just skull and crossbones my computer, it just locks me up. Oh boy.


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[Assistant] A NURT is the San Francisco Fire Department NURT Training. Oh, so you just pulled it from somewhere. Yea, you pulled it from somewhere. The deep little back part of your... No.


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[Assistant] I remember my mom not wanting to get Hot Pockets because she's like, these are things are kind of expensive. And I'm like, I'm like, just get me some Hot Pockets.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think we're kinda questioning Blake's lifestyle sometimes. What the hell? Once in a while I admit that my best friend buttfucked me. Right. But that's just par for the course. That's just who I am as a person, you know. Yeah. And it's respectable.


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[Assistant] No, would you like to take back saying nerd? Cause that's what I want from you.


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[Assistant] He doesn't have big dick energy, he has huge cumshot energy.


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[Assistant] He's not prepared for what's about to happen. He's like, okay, I hope you guys have fun out there. And we're like, it's not going to be fun for you, John.


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[Assistant] You're like what I imagine, like you know how like, I mean it's in my stand-up act, but when you're an old person and you lose control of your tongue,


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[Assistant] And girls. And, uh, they were way smarter than us.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, so I guess she's really hurt, and I hope she wins this lawsuit. Fuck em, McDonald's.


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[Assistant] The guy's a legend. How old was he? 101? 101. That's awesome. I saw him give a speech at some award show just a few years ago and I was in the audience and he was so quick and funny and he was like 99 years old, dude.


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[Assistant] Uh, that's the one person that Chloe's like, if Rihanna ever wanted to have sex with you, you're allowed to.


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[Assistant] On like the first episode of Workaholics, I went to my, uh, like Starbucks and I got recognized like that day and I was like, oh shit, we were really onto something. And I remember the argument that we had with the network for the very first episode when we named it Piss and Shit.


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[Assistant] Uh, Denny, I'm gonna butcher this, room, romance. Alright.


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[Assistant] That's cause you're mixing it with alcohol and other things, but what's going on?


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[Assistant] Yeaah, the world would be a better place. There would be peace on earth. If it was Koka Zoa.


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[Assistant] So you're saying no, no smarts is required, you're just saying am I physically capable of being the person with the scalpel?


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[Assistant] It's all three of us on an island. There's a fourth person. The fourth person is a surgeon and they can tell you everywhere to cut. He just, his arms were blown off.


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[Assistant] The pancreas. Where is the pancreas on the body?


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[Assistant] Well, I mean like that one that, uh, the dude from, uhm, Pa-Passion of the Christ made. Oh yeaah, Cavazel? Yeaah, I thought it was a Cavazel joint. He sorta, he sorta-


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[Assistant] It's called Sound of Freedom. Sound of Freedom, but just a heads up. Is it not Basement Babies? Okay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was. You know, I'd love to release the draft because I'd love for people to read what you put.


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[Assistant] That's, yeaah, unless we're talking churches chicken, I've been there a few times.


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[Assistant] You're asking me if I'm mad that I wasn't, wasn't Jesus for a passion of the Christ? Or at least in the conversation.


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[Assistant] I feel like it came out when we were in like high school, right? Oh, is that old?


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[Assistant] Yeah, cause they, I remember my school, like, I think they said it was okay. Well that's the reason why then. Like you could skip a day of school to go see it or some shit.


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[Assistant] At your public school? I think so. Unless I'm thinking of like, uhm...


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[Assistant] Maybe Braveheart did that? This is why I'm gonna homeschool all my-


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[Assistant] Well, okay, so BJ's Pizza, when I was delivering pizzas, they were like, yo, you can take a day and go see that movie. You don't have to work.


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[Assistant] Probably like, come on, he's probably more like a Nicolas Cage, you know? He's like a little weird, he'll try anything once.


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[Assistant] It's okay, we got, well we got one pod off after the tour and then, yeaah, and then we disbanded a little bit. It happened.


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[Assistant] You're in the bathroom. I know, I know. Son of a bitch, I thought this thing locked. It's, it's, it's good acoustics in here. Yeah. I'm just getting this pot off. I'm doing it on my phone, actually. I'm recording it on my iPhone. I don't, I don't need the microphone.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this shit is kinda hittin' right now.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think this is going to do that to you because this is a much cleaner energy with... It's a much cleaner, yeah.


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[Assistant] I will say, it's really bailing me out for my damp January. It came just in time, so...


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[Assistant] You know, it's a dry January, but if- You're trying not to drink, but then- Yeah. Wet, wet, wet January. Yeah, raining it in, but if like, there's a football game on, I'm gonna have a beer, you know? Okay, alright.


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[Assistant] No, no. Six beers is the limit. Twelve would not be damp anymore. Take it!


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[Assistant] There we go. Now we're cooking. Now the zoo is hitting.


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[Assistant] That's actually why I'm calling it Damp January because I've been good every single day except I knew Sam was having a 40th and I wasn't gonna not.


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[Assistant] Peel one off from my boys 4-0. That's a big one. That's a great one.


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[Assistant] That is true. So I was, I was keeping pace with the birthday boy.


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[Assistant] Am I right? What's the zodiac sign for that? Apricorn?


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[Assistant] Cryptozoologist? They're like, all he did was write his name backwards.


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[Assistant] Do you think you're gonna have a Super Bowl baby? In that case, you gotta... When is the Super Bowl? I might have a Super Bowl baby.


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[Assistant] Wasn't that kind of a thing back in the day? Like dads would just be like at the bar while, uh, the moms were giving birth in the hospital and then they'd kind of call them over when it was all said and done.


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[Assistant] They're saying it was Jason Kelsey. That's, that would be the Eagles then.


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[Assistant] If you lost, would you then name your loser?


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[Assistant] No, I think we're seeing Van- Van Jefferson and the child name is Champ. Champ.


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[Assistant] I'm guessing the Rams if that's what you guys were saying.


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[Assistant] So you're saying that people should- This is life. They should name their children something that like set the bar low.


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[Assistant] Right, you do, you do have to run it through the ringer. You have to call up all your friends and say just roast my kid's name before it's born. Just to see what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you do that with your, with your name yet?