[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Disco Bob, and he's got some other interesting videos too, where he highlights the special Oreos he bought from Walmart. What a boring choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, but he's really this nice and I've done a deep dive on his posts and they're all very, they're innocent. They're like, he guys want to see me dance in my garage? Like he's really sweet. I don't like him. Yeah, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, but did you know it was against the rules to meet people from TikTok, Facebook, Instagram?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he usually makes funny talks, but this is his one serious talk and I thought the people listening could really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just impressions and stuff, and songs and things, stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where it cuts off? That's where it cuts off, but go to the next one and you'll notice something really neat. Oh, that's not him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About 20 of the same exact message, but in different locations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The same thing. He goes, hi, how are you guys doing? Good. I just wanted to know, I want some more followers. If you could like and comment, that would be great. Especially the lady. And he does it exactly the same, but in different places. I thought that was unique.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's telling you how not to get pulled over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you still have your high school graduation, uh, tassel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy is such a joy on TikTok. He's got a million followers now and I'd like to congratulate myself for discovering him when he was very new. Uhm, his whole thing is dressing in different outfits and saying hello bitch and doing these different


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scenarios, act amounts. I love his fashion, I love his attitude, I love everything about him. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? I don't understand, what could you not like about Hello Bitch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to, I can't remember, you have to look at it. At Brendan? Brandon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bringing joy. My prediction on the TikTok world, much like Dogface420, the cranberry juice drinking guy on the skateboard, Hello Bitch is gonna blow up next. He's got that kind of potential to completely transform. Oh, it's Aaron Teckner, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think you're right. Absolutely. The guy that's just out to get his D-Sug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, because you're always way more attractive in the dating world when you're aloof and mysterious like Jackie Onassis. It's true. I think that's what he's saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want him complimenting you until you've decided.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, someone's like, Oh, I heard that thing you said on that podcast or.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how you think, I like how you speak, I like how you write.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it does, like when I was a younger girl, there were guys that would pull this aloof shit on you, and it is hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's immediately alluring, cause you're like, oh, he doesn't give a fuck about me? Every other guy on the planet is telling me how cute I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when all the other guys are giving you so much attention, like saying how pretty you are, you're right, like maybe you're at a party and he's not, he's going to ignore you in the beginning. Yeah, yeah, not coming up to you. He does not come up to you, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe yea, like he'll walk away as you're talking to him and not be like super interested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're like, wow, uh, and he's not trying to like, get your number or like, be all up in your fucking shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Also you can tell when a girl likes you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing though, these guys that are player- Okay, so I'm trying to think of the guys in the- my-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he has a lot of girls. So you know you're trying to get his attention because he fucks a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's, that dynamic has to be there first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if he's that guy who's got all these rotations, the girl that's attracted that knows already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. You know what the best way is, at least what happened to me back in the day, is to make friends with the girl that that friend is with, like in those circles, so that when you socialize, like on a Friday night, there's a party, that you're in her vicinity, but you're not like up her twat, and then eventually you get introduced normally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to tear apart her pussy lips. What did he say? Oh god. You tear her twine apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He sounds like a pirate. So cool. Yeaah. He should have done cartoons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, you want the tamales, chicken, or cheese?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was yesterday. It says get some, it's a suede wallet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. Ain't nobody fat there. Excuse me? Ain't nobody fat there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I mean, I didn't want you to be so hostile. You know what I'm saying? I just wanna, I just wanna holler at you for a sec.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're gonna tell me that you have no idea who Haley is, no idea what I'm talking about, and you weren't with her today at Antonio's getting food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely did though, I definitely did. You can go fuck yourself, honestly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fairy tale for a woman in life is that she gets a house, she gets a car, she gets kids, she has family around, she has a career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And her paychecks from her career go into her personal bank account and you pay for everything else. If she wants to have a garden, she might happily go out there and plant petunias or whatever, daisies, but you're gonna pay for it. You're gonna, and you're gonna have to go down to Home Depot or whatever and get the fucking mulch or whatever it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For her to plant the fucking garden, she'll probably want you out there on your day off of all days to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have a drink, get your dick sucked, watch a little TV, and take a fucking nap. Maybe go out to eat and go check out a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, yes, so simple, our life is fucking boring. The Cool Guy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But tell me we did the right thing, okay? We could have mowed down villagers and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Morning. How'd you sleep? I slept good. Want a coffee? Alright. We gotta get ready to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And say, hey, nice dress or how's the coffee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She automatically bakes you, uh, puts you in the beta meal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pup Spiky here. You walk the path that takes you where you wanna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the only one you need to make happy is yourself. Hail Satan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's my French that's going to pronounce as K? Kera? Kera? Water? Who? Harpo? Descombrone? Forrestine? Who? Particularly? Aidy? Pockets? Crocodile? Tablets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine being allergic to peanuts. Bitch, if you don't grow the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you don't think money can buy happiness, you don't know where to fucking shop. You can get money and then go save the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you understand? Don't the fucking idiots on YouTube understand that? Until you make some shekels! Until you make some fucking coin! You can't help anybody!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Saatva. Go to Saatva.com slash the shit to get $225 off the new Solair mattress and Saatva mattress company always provides free delivery, setup and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Toilet paper is back in abundance now, you can buy that more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I listen to the- I watch the game with you and the- they make crowd noises even though there's no crowd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what they did, that... Masturbating Ginsburg lady died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they mentioned no one talked about that she wasn't hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I will say to Trump's credit, you know, first of all, he doesn't get enough credit for all the good stuff he does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, he picks hot ladies to work in his cabinet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had a titty job, and when they did a package on her, remember? Yea? She was like, I had my breasts cut off, and then they zoomed in to show us her new titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmhm, yea, Kaylee. This one? Yea, she's super hot. So, I'm saying like the next Supreme Court.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] President Trump was like, no hungry tits allowed. And no, what happened was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that Kaylee had, she got diagnosed for the, she carried the gene for breast cancer because her mother passed away so she had her breast voluntarily removed and then she had


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big fakers put on. Okay. And then they did a package on her and like she was crying, like she was like, then I found out that I tested positive and I had a breast job. And right as they said that, that she had a breast job, the camera was like, meow, like so everybody could see and myself included. I was like, well, let's see them, Kaylee. And it was so fortunate that we got to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, much like, uh, this is our news program and I like to give my commentary. This is like, Christina's Corner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's who he hires, is Hot Chicks. He only works no dogs allowed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well Kamala Harris is hot. I'm sorry, Kamala? Kamala? She's pretty hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously Kamala's number one. Number two, hotness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so now it becomes who's going to be third and fourth in the hot contest. Is it going to be Trumpy or Biden?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. Try to put aside your opinions of these two men and I want you to rank their hotness. Okay, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, can we look up a young Biden? I wanna see what he looked like in his prime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Handsome. And then look up young Trumpy. Look at him there. Aww, he's cute. He aged well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then let's see young Trump. Aww, look at that baby face. Aww.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm going to vote for Biden for the hottest candidate. I'm going to go Biden Kamala for the hottest ticket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Might I just point out the Herculean undertaking, undertaking the task that really was putting together this live show. I don't think the listeners, the watchers realized that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are essentially pioneering this medium of, of putting out these specials live, and I just want to shout out to the boys in the booth. Thank you, Eni, Nadav, Josh, Zolo, Chris, Larson, Lindsey, and Ashan, who filled into, uh, helping us so much. Uh, yeah, Chris, did I mention Chris too? I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know what's so funny is that we didn't want it to only be the, uhm, what's the section we're calling it now? The intense section?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The heavy section, you know, we did want a rounded show, but you guys seem to really enjoy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me read you. This is from Dan. He writes, Jesus fucking Christ. I watched the second edition of the live show and I was fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I even laughed at the insane apple lady. By the way, the apple lady was a huge hit. If you have not seen her, you better download and get your life. I was beginning to question myself, how is nothing grossing me out? Am I a cool guy in disguise? But then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We hit the anal prolapse guys. I thought at first, oh, it's just some guy double fisting. Not too bad. I've seen worse. And then it hit me. My jaw didn't leave the floor. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the guy on the left with the deep purple prolapse gets it fondled and then moans in enjoyment, I literally heaved about six times. I didn't even know assholes to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My eyes wider than a motherfucker thought it couldn't get any worse and then they docked the prolapses. I am traumatized for life. I had a nightmare that same night about it. I can't stop thinking about it. I may need therapy. Absolutely finishes. Absolutely great fucking show. Can't wait for number three. Well done jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't ask for a better place to call my mom's home. Yeah, and that's what we do is we unify people. We're bringing together in the darkest year we've ever had and just trying to bring joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might as well replace Christina P's chair with a toilet, Tom. Clearly she tried to put on a show, chugging water, amateur move, by the second rate of water champ, which then led to her 20 potty breaks, typical Yorkie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so dumb. It's such a dumb person phrase. Y'all got butt hurt and also hella. When people say hella makes me crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, but doesn't this guy remind you of the I'll make you cum guy? I'm taking, I'm talking about his attitude, I'm talking about his nose, his features, something about his energy vibes, or I'll make you cum guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't you have a really good idea for these kinds of people? You had a great idea when you were driving in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would the head compress? Yeaah, I think you'd explode. Your head would probably explode like a grape, and then you'd be shot out 32,000 miles per hour. That'd be fun. That's how fast a vessel travels. Now, I learned that from that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, cause they used to send the cosmonauts, the Russians would send monkeys into space and I'm saying, why hurt the monkeys? Vacuum space will pull the air from your body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get a photographer? Now, how do we entice these dum-dums to get up there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No wait, that's how we, that's how we position this. It's a space party cruise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really smart. Well, the whole point is that we're trying to bring life to Mars so that we can colonize Mars. But what you're saying is simply get rid of all the dum-dums that are giving us the most problems and then Earth can repopulate with nothing but the best genetics and we can repair all the damage we've done to the climate stuff. That is correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This new posit, body positivity, everybody gets to like themselves. It is so far gone. It's not okay to be this big. It's just not okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you let DoorDash take care of your next meal? We use DoorDash all the time. It's super easy. DoorDash is the app that brings you food you're craving right now, right to your door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, with the new contactless delivery drop-off setting with over 300,000 partners in the US, Puerto Rico, Canada, and Australia. You can support your local go-tos or choose from your favorite national restaurants like Chipotle, Wendy's, and the Cheesecake Factory. Uh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Right now our listeners can get $5 off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter code MOM. That's $5 off your order and zero delivery fees on your first order when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter code MOM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And water personality and valor champ, Tom, oh wow. And, oh, do you want to play the video first to set this up? This happened last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In regards to the kick to the face video, as a coach of combat sports, I have gone through the scenarios of possibly holding pads like that and being kicked in the face. But because I follow Proto and know what I'm doing, it's never happened. If you watch the video again, as the guy goes to kick a second before the kick his throne,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, my favorite with Ariana is, she really knows a lot about the operation. She's like, well, there is the outer muscle. Called the butthole. Called your butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nor should you. Just because your body constantly rejects what you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That chick had her butthole taken open. That's wild. Had her butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know the way she's sitting, mate. Nah, that's her badge. Now he's gonna go in the butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's her butthole. That's her butthole. Yeah. Ouch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would make my butt hole sore. Wow, people just get to see this for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I gotta tell you, you guys, just the dedication.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what, that's the truth right there. But that's what I'm saying, with the Pornhub, you know, you can see her clip there, and what's the bonus, is what he's saying, why am I gonna spend the money if I'm not gonna see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think we're good, Gene. Alright, cool. Uhm, I have a follow-up email. Remember when Kevin Nealon came in and he told that horrible story about the cast member wearing the mask? Yea, Jeff Daniels. Oh, Jeff Daniels, aww.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm a specialist hair and makeup artist from Melbourne. It's pronounced Melbourne, those of you who are in Australia. I'm writing in regard to your recent podcast, uh, okay. To create a life cast safely, you are supposed to prime the skin and hairs with Vaseline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Okay, I thought it was interesting that you should put a layer essentially of protective stuff before you even put plaster on the- you can rip out someone's eyelashes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, which is strange that that person didn't even do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's funny, I like that. The follow up of what people smell like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So so far, that's one vote for black people smelling like crayons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Cam is suggesting that all races except black people smell like wet towels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, there should be a scientific study done on this exact subject. I don't know why there hasn't been more research done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wet coins. I mean look, I will say some white people are very smelly because they don't shower enough. And I think that might be the wet dog smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hippies, uhm, I have family members who don't shower on their legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, this is true. When I was in Hungary, uhm, in the summer of 94, I took public transportation a lot, the Vilamos, and it was the middle of summer, and Hungarians, they did not wear deodorant a lot, and it just smelled like armpits. So, I, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they're actually less sanitary because what happens after the washcloth is used, you just put it in a pile on the tub and then it gets cold and damp and then you reuse it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't understand the utility of a washcloth when I've got these hands that can do the same job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, am I missing something here guys? Are we using washcloths? Tell me, tell me the logic. Annie, are you a washclother?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again! But they also, but they get moldy too in the shower over time. You have to keep re-upping the loofah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the only question I have is how do you eat a juicy taco? Cause all the juices come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To eat with my palms if I get hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think this morning we were having a debate as to whether or not you think Leo, I think Leo had a full life before he made these videos with Mark and that he may have been married at one point and has kids, which is probably why he wanted those videos released after his death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a totally different scenario. I think so, cause he went to the military, we know that. Because he said that he got genital warts from a hooker. So he was living as a straight man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a minute, right? In the military for sure. In the military, cause back in, you know, Ed's time, you couldn't just be gay. So I think he was married for sure. I bet he had to have had kids. It would be very rare for a man in that generation. Nadav is a burning with information. What do you have, Native?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see, I think the opposite. I feel that Ed has nothing but dad vibes, which is why his porno game, his, his sex chat game is so weak. Cause he's like, all right, Mark, like he's, he's almost, he is paternal. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how he was wooing Mark. You know, you come now, Mark. Like there's no- Okay. You know, there's no airs about, about Ed. He's just very straightforward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeans, you've heard us talk about Brooklinen before. We are huge fans of Brooklinen. Sheets, uh, I bought some for Nadav here. Marcus King, our guest today, also bought Brooklinen sheets. Loves them. But did you know about their towel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have them in our bathroom. Why? Because I like every shower to feel like a spa experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Brooklyn and towels are so plush and so luxurious, you're gonna feel like you're just the only guy in town using those towels. Am I right, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's perfectly fine to stay in your towel all day after your shower. Sometimes I'll stay in my towel until I'm ready to shower again. That's how I love my Brooklyn and towels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brooklinen is the perfect place to find all the comforts for home, including ultra soft towels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're so confident in their product that everything comes with a lifetime warranty. Use promo code MOM for 10% off your first order at brooklinnen.com. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Promo code MOM. Brooklinnen. Everything you need to live your most comfortable life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now you would be touring normally, right? Like you drop your album and then is it like comedians where you tour right after the album comes out or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they should do what I suggested, which is you flush and then it just throws the shit on the highway and out into the desert. Why not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, when did you discover this voice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you got to sell it out, which is even like so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and I learned this trick from Louis C.K. He said always have your mic turned up, you are louder than the audience. And even louder on Late Show Friday when these fuckers are drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, for instance, like the country audience, you have to be a certain way, right, for them to accept you. You have to be able to sleep in Dolly Parton's backyard, otherwise she's a cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oof, look at her. And Tina Turner, I mean that's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I one time got to meet Kim Deal on the streets of Silver Lake and she offered me her email address and I was like, no, cause I don't, I didn't want to know her. Not to say, I don't know if Kim Deal is a shithead or not, but I don't want to know. Don't tell me. I want to keep the illusion that you're awesome. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Well, I heard a little nugget I was listening to. I think it was Miley Cyrus and she was saying that the record labels find a way to get the music on TikTok now. Like it's, there's like all these little insidious ways of getting your music into the world. How cool is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to say that your lyrics, we were listening to you, and your lyrics are so adult, like, and now it makes sense, like you have a soul of a middle-aged man inside of you, but you were growing up in bars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see real humanity working in nighttime places, like for instance when I cocktail waitressed out of college, like that was more of an education to me. Like watching people when they drink and how they act and what happens at night is really what the fuck is up with humanity, man. Absolutely, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody has that, it's a human condition and nothing is clear at night. When people drink and let their guard down and they let it all fucking hang out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that grit, and that's why I like stand-up comedy and I like doing it in clubs when you see these drunk fuckers and their girls with their tits hanging out and you're just like, yeah, this is the slime of the earth right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, we were talking about, wow, you came to my shows in Nashville, which is so sweet, and I had so many people camped out in my, in the green room that I was like, I'm so sorry, I literally got, and what did you call it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, you told us that the cool guy riff is actually really hard to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In terms of hotness, like, rank the four people. Okay. Trump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's what you would call a classic white guy. He's got the white guy hair. He is an OG whitey. And I like him. He's cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the deal, man. Trump does get his teeth whitened. They're nice teeth. And that's really good. Yep. And yes, he may go a little too harsh on the self-tanner. A little. But at least he's trying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the hair is fucked up, but he's been doing that since the 80s, the stupid comb over. It's no good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it is such an anomaly to see a Caucasian speaking fluent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TikTok is free again. They were about to lock it up. Oh really? It was really a negotiating tool that Trumpy was using. And it worked. We have the talks back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just get high with that homeless guy that's camping out in front of your house.


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[Assistant] Yeah, cause there's some comedians who I love, but you just don't have the same energy with them, the same flow, and you're like, aw, that sucks, cause I wish we were more compatible that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No! In fact, Tom, you hit the nail right on the head, at user 270-355596.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's the difference between a cool guy that doesn't learn to refine the message? Like, I imagine the instinct is to be that, show me your tits and then how do you get refined?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what I'm saying, so how do you as a man, cause I imagine the base instinct is I just want tits, I want tits on my face, I want tits on my neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He may have cut off from Charlie, but he goes, hello, this is Myra Kellerman, and here's a tour of my room, my room, but we all know this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like Josh Potter's room in that. He's got a lot of TVs from the 1990s, VHS tapes. And a lot of CDs. Lots of CDs, like, what is he playing all this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't want to drink because you end up on dialysis, Tom, and then you'll need a new liver.


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[Assistant] Right, but even in the world of timing, which we deal with, like the timing was not... May we see this one more time on her beats?


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[Assistant] We've been getting a lot of emails to that effect of like, I almost got fired for listening to your show, I almost got evicted from my apartment listening to your show. It's all positive, we're just spreading love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has she come around at all to YMH or is she still?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that car that stops and is like, you okay buddy? And then drives away, like, can you get in trouble for that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever been paid a ridiculous sum to do like a Sultan's birthday backyard birthday party?


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[Assistant] I think she said it best, unity, loving one another, man. That's, uh, it's kind of what you spent your time doing. And as a singer, that's what you get to sing about. So, uh, this is a great day, uh, in our household. Um, this is not a political statement. This is a statement of unity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is kind of how I get to serve this country. Our father served as a United States Marine. In the Korean War, we had brothers that served in the Air Force and the Army. This is my chance to get served.


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[Assistant] Step on two fucking thousand motherfuckers. Look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's perfect! That's really good. That looks good. Say no more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now for all you haters out there, I've had a few, but today I had very, very extreme amounts of compliments. Okay? Alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While I said, fuck the hairdressers, count the time out. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and the cuckoo puffs bird. So yeaah, these were some that were already made before I started filming. Sorry about that, I didn't film the making of them, but yeaah.


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[Assistant] There's something quite strange about an alligator being pushed towards your face and for you to dive down underneath him before his teeth reaches your head. But I was game and apart from the freezing temperatures, I was really enjoying sharing this experience with my new scaly pal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Reese's Pieces. Megan. So Reese's. Reese's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you do. Reese's cups. Reese's. Mmhm. Reese's cups and Reese's pieces.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That happens all the time. Why? Because women are weak. I'm not downplaying them. I'm not degrading them. It's fact! It's in the Bible!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there any women out there looking for a leader and a mate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there any women out there looking for a leader and a mate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this message is for Donald J. Trump. I know there's very little chance that he'll see it. No, it's pretty high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I just want you to know that me and my family, we love you. We think that you're the greatest present.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Theragun. I don't care what, whether you're


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[Assistant] Really active athlete or whether you're just getting through the day, you know that it's stressful. You have tension, you have muscle pain. Nothing is more relieving than a athera gun that can release.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your deepest muscle tension using a scientifically calibrated combination of depth, speed and power. And now...


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[Assistant] As quiet as an electric toothbrush. That's because the all new Gen 4 TheraGun has a proprietary brushless motor that's so quiet you will wonder if it's on. I am so excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get my Theragun, massage is absolutely the greatest thing, right? And now we're going to have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna have like a high level machine, the Theragun, that can relieve that tension. Try Theragun for 30 days. There is no substitute for the Theragun Gen 4 with an OLED screen.


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[Assistant] Personalize Theragun app and the quiet and power you need starting at only $199. Go to theragun.com slash mom right now and get your Gen 4 Theragun today. That's theragun.com slash mom, theragun.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning my over 18 jeans. Shout out to Mr. Clavicles for that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope you are letting your boobs hang and we're gonna have a lot of fun today. Send me some videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I do is I support college girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, satan's plague. In baggage. You know what I'd like if you're watching this video right now and you're a girl, go ahead, let's have some fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, don't, no bra. And, uh, get a cup of warm water and then pour it all over your shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All that is, is throwing out that spider web to the broken girls. Which is a great life, by the way. It is a good thing. If you're a guy and you want, and you're like, ah, I've been striking out, you gotta go over the broken girls. A hundred percent. You gotta try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it doesn't, it's not my, you know, I know guys that did that. It's just not natural for me. I can't, I can't really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, I, I couldn't, I didn't court and try to date the broken girl, you know. Yea, you shouldn't. I remember, the funny thing is, two of these broken wing hoes that I went out with, uhm, I remember hooking up with them, and then within six months, two of them, I learned later were pregnant. Yea. Or within a year, let's say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because those broken girls are like, just fucking let it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't worry. I don't have a condom. They're like, what's a condom? I'm like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shouldn't have done that, you know? I was worried about it. I was like, shit, did I get you pregnant? I'm like 20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I kept, like, she could tell I was real nervous about it. And she was like, what are you talking about? I was like, because, you know, I busted all in you. And she was like, no, you didn't. And I was like, what? She goes, you didn't bust inside. And I go, yes, I did. She goes, that was my butt cheeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Is she masculine? No, no, no. She was very feminine. She just had a broad, large body. Like, she was six feet tall. She looked like she wrestled cattle. You know, like she was like a fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was broken. She was broken. She had problems.


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[Assistant] You know what it is? You know what it probably is? I bet you it's different. I bet what happens is they go, Oh my God, I went out with that guy. And then someone's like, what? You went out with that guy? What happened? Like, Oh, we went out to this dinner. He was a nice guy. And then all of a sudden the memory comes back to her and then they're like, did you hook up? And we're like, kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the butt fuck guy. That's a good rep to have though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in high school they're like, they're like, Oh my God. And then you grow up a little bit and you're like, Oh, she's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a savage, like, they should be, there should be plaques of them around the school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I remember those big titted girls in like middle school and high school and you're just like, just let me play with them for a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Alright. Well, let's get into the, uh, opening clip of the show. It's gonna be a fun one. We got a fun show for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I remember the, uh, first time I fingered a girl, I had never done it. And I did it, I was like jabbing it, like not in the hole. And she was like, the fucking, find the hole, stupid. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I spit on her. Alright, let's do the opening clip. Ready? Yeaah. Here we go.


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[Assistant] This is a really cool clip because this guy is awesome. Normally,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The er, uh, versus a n-word explanation is from like hardcore, I would say like conservative types. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably not in a white person's vocabulary. And certainly not the explanation like, wait, was that an A on the end? Okay, we're cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this guy, I've only seen that clip, I want to see the whole thing. So, it's an activist, this is in Portland, and uh, yeaah, he has BLM, um, like cardboard cutout, but let's just see what he says. There's a cop, that's a cop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so he's like telling the cop that he's full of shit. We should point out that the cop, I believe, is black, right? Yeah, so this guy's white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so he's calling him, you know, but you get it, you're like, alright, this is a real like, left-wing guy, and he's... Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what freaks me out more, like all his scattered logic or the fact that I do feel like he looks like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause you do notice his surroundings, right? Like his, like the, the, there's nobody that doesn't look like him confronting him. That might be it. Like, I don't know if like a black dude was there, like what? He'd be like, do you not listen to rap? If that argument would go far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I didn't think she was amazing. I mean, I thought she was kind of a scallywagging, but she was like, you know, you could tell too that she wasn't exactly, um, new to the whole idea of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fun! So these guys are like, it looks like kinda like in a camping trip or something. One dude is like asleep or passed out and his friend lights his pants on fire. And then he wakes up to his pants on fire and he shoves his friend over it and freaks him out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does a guy call his best friends? His testies besties of course. Halloween is right around the corner and you don't want to spook someone with your scary bush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our friends at Manscaped want to help make your boys downstairs clean and best friends of their own. Manscaped is the number one!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And look, none of it is that great when you're trying to jab your balls so you can get rid of some of that hair. Nothing works as well as Manscaped. Get the perfect package 3.0, get that waterproof skin safe, skin safe trimmer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, yeaah, you're gonna feel so much better, so much smoother, and so much more appetizing for all the mouths in your life. So, get 20% off in free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. Trick or treat, keep your balls neat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you know what was really cool? We watched, uh, the strange thing about the Johnsons. That was cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking awesome. We watched it last night. We watched it on YouTubes. I hate it. There it is. The strange thing about the Johnsons. I don't want to give away too much if the audience hasn't seen it. If you have seen it, you know it's great. It's a, it's a really, it's a short film that, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it starts at like the adolescent level and then it fast forwards to when the son is now a young man and he has like a very, very interesting relationship with the dad. There's like so many twists and turns. Have you seen it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The father and the son are having sex. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so, okay. It's fucking good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really good, it was really well made and it was cool to see the dad and the son fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's pretty amazing that these guys get that out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. I think this person might be fully talked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you this, a four year old shit just smells like shit, okay? I wipe his ass and I'm like poof. They're gnarly, they're fucking gnarly like yours. They're just shit, it's just shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do something exciting because this is very cool. So the king who likes to talk to his queens above 18 put a very special message out and I really want to study it for a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, by the way, of all the coolest guys we've ever played on here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To have a war film on in the background, like sometimes there's the news on or a show, but to have gunshots, people be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna see some bombs going on, I wanna hear it in the background.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, can you, uh, like, we're 15 seconds in, are you going to turn that down? What's that? Are you going to turn down the volume?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright man, yeaah, let's just talk through the gunshots.


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[Assistant] Yea, and also that Marley remix. Uh, the record needs me. Yea, you know? I'm trying to remember the song. It was a Marley, like, remix. And the shit was crank. I was like, this is a nice song! I like this song, man! Like that. Yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wasn't that that Marley song, I'm a rainbow too? Wasn't that like a remix? Right? He played that. That was so corny. He would play that jam it out loud, man. Yeah. And he would be like in the living room. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I got fucked up, uh, doing Two Bears Live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was uhm, so I got, I got 40 deep. You know, I get criticized, that's my favorite is when people are like, that's it? I always start with 200, like good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no I did, cause I'm 10 milli Tom, and I went to 20, and I had 30, and then I had 40. I was fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was fucked up, but it was a good, good buzz. Like it was, it wasn't, it was just before you're too deep. You know what I mean? Like it was the most you'd want to be before you're like, my night's ruined. All I, all the only thing that I tell you is like, I didn't know what was happening at the end and I didn't know how things went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was real fucked up. I do remember that, uh, even when we were even more fucked up we all arm wrestled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it wasn't on the show, but there was cameras, people were recording it, uhm, and he beat everybody, and he's strong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then Eni also challenged me to tennis. I remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, wait, just for a few, cause like, this is the part that I was, what is your tennis experience? Tell us that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, okay. Now what do you, you just think you'll win. That's what you're betting, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it's, I mean, like, I'm not saying, all I, all I, I'm not the one that said, like, I'll play people in tennis here. You told me, you're like, he said he could beat you. So I was like, okay, we'll play then. We'll play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll, and I will accept, uh, bets if you want to do bets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm gonna bring my coach. This is, I have a clip of him right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love fucking football so much. If you want to know why I love football, it's because of like coaches like that. That is the best. That guy, you end up, if you play football, you end up, you want to die for that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Of course, cause he's speaking the truth. Yeah, that is like the coach, those are the coaches that I love. Yeah. That they were like, why did you even do your assignment instead of trying to kill that person? Yep. Or trying to fuck you over like, I love that so much. This is women's lingerie football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, they have like these silly things where like it's like, I mean they do it for the TV viewer where they put like hot chicks in pads and a helmet and they play football, but the funny thing is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put people in like a contact situation and even though they're not great football players, you'll see some savagery done in it. Like you'll see it because it, you know, it's just natural. If someone's going to hit you, you're going to hit back. And this guy, this guy is coaching this like this is NFL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'll do when our kids are playing sports. I'll be like, listen, fuck this game. Just go over there and break that kid's neck, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the Two Bears One Bowl show at the Pasadena Rose Bowl drive-in show. I don't know if there's any tickets left, uhm, but if there are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We try to get them, TwoBearsOneBowl.com. Very excited!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always wanted to do like the parking lot of the Rose Bowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does. It does. It looks like, uh, Dr. Oluwajee was, uh, face-swapped. Like, uh, my Saudi friend's dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has a completely like, looks like a separate person's face. I can't believe this is not a face swap. And she has like a nice mustache and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the whole face is like, it's like a middle-aged Saudi man's face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and she's also like the vibrator? Is a what? The disease?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God. Uhm, oh, this is kind of fun. You wanna see this? Uh, I would love to. So, watch this, and, and, and just, the main thing is watch it, but I want you to actually listen to this voice. Okay. And tell me what it does to remind you of anything, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For any person. For father and son, I would watch them do it, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it was pretty alarming, I don't know. I don't want to know, also. Is that fair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need some molars for steak. That's it. That's all you need. You need a cup. I think if you're minimal amount of teeth, you need two up front to get some shit started. You know? And like, sometimes you just need to get something started. You gotta start it. And then if you have a few molars, you're set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, if you get down to that few though, you should just get...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some fakies put in. I think that's what they're gonna tell you. They're gonna be like, you can get by with four, but, but you might as well just get dentures, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes you look really good, but they recommend that you don't eat or talk with them in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow, I wonder which of their sneaky fucking fingers of the staff took our perfect smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shit flew and sent his ass up in the air, almost did a full flip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to, to see people I know in that position. Is what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, there's still a lot more and we will return momentarily with the guests. Okay. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Policy genius shopping for insurance can seem like a daunting task.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Policy Genius makes it easy. They combine a cutting edge insurance marketplace with help


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From licensed experts to save you time and money and you of course know that Policy Genius saves their home and auto customers an average of what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thousand, one hundred and twenty-seven dollars a year by shopping top rated insurers in one place. Here's how it works. First, you head on over to PolicyGenius.com, answer a few quick questions about yourself and your property. That's it. Then PolicyGenius does the rest. They'll compare rates from over thirty top insurers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Progressive to nationwide to find the lowest quotes and the best part, they help you switch over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so great. So if you're a homeowner, head to policygenius.com right now to get started. They've saved their home and auto insurance customers an average of $1,127 a year. Policygenius, when it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got my teeth cleaned on break. Usually. I mean, I got my teeth cleaned like 35 times during a show. Yea, you guys are in a cul-de-sac now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna go, I'm dying to go. I've heard a lot of visit, like people who have taken the trip and always have amazing things to say, actually. Always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's talk Turkey here for a second. How about those Israeli chicks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's our main Jay. He's great. Yeah, he's great. Shmelty. Shmelty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's always been obviously this very, but particularly like the last, I would say like five years, it has reignited into probably what it was, you know, when prior and that, yeah, because like right, you know, it has been like such a hotspot. You're there on Tuesday night, Wednesday night, all three of them sold out. We're all just having fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And stand up, and stand up goes through this thing I think like every five years where you kind of, there's usually some type of shift that happens, right? Like storytelling became more popular and then another shift, we're probably in the middle of a shift right now, right? Cause like the climate shifts and then the comedy has to shift with it. So it'll always be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we all miss it, like, desperately, I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're probably going to get out of this godforsaken city, but the thing that I'll definitely feel like I'll definitely miss is just the ability to on any night of the week, you know, in regular time to be able to go down there. I'll miss that. You're just hanging out in the parking lot. Just seeing the stairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for people that don't know, a lot of people will recognize him from a minority report actually, you know what I mean? Oh, is that right? Yea, he's Leo Getz. He's the, he's the guy, like if you're trying to put a face to him, I'm saying now, uhm, he's the guy that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That Cruz, uh, you know, confronts right there. That's him. That's Mike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, I'm sitting here like, ooh, and there's the adjustment where I'm like, oh yeah, that's gonna be a problem. And then Pauly's just like, you know, when I lost my mother, I'm like, oh, you gotta hold that, you better hold your cheeks together for a minute. That's, I'm not gonna be like, I gotta shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then, and then we were like talking and talking and I was like, this is not getting better. Uhm, so I just tried to get to a window where I could excuse myself and, uh, that was, that was like a top five explosion in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have friends who say they have no problem and they're still like, you should try it. Meaning you should try it. It's like a fun thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever have a little sliver and then put like a cock ring on so that you're like about to explode or no? No. No? No. Can I give you one? The what? Can I give you one? Yes, you can. Okay. I'll get you one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If somebody wants to see it, right? It's on Showtime right now. You could probably watch it on demand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, did you actually, cause I remember you were on MTV so young. So did you graduate high school and then write to MTV? No, that was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also remember, yea, life is like that. I just remember also that watching, you know, people now will never, like a young person now, can't wrap their head around what MTV meant to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when we were watching you, you know, that was the equivalent of, like there's almost no equivalent. You know what I mean? It's like now, like it's, it was the spot, the one place. And I don't think there is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's not like that one thing now, but like if you were young, you know, and you're like, what are you watching? Like what's cool? It was MTV. MTV was cool. MTV was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can just feel like, internally, you're like, this is a loose one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you understand her question?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, you can't hear him though, you don't have headphones on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. It'd be unreasonable. Okay. Wait, what, be real, what is your price to go do the colonics?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now are you by the way, you seem like a pretty chill dude. Have you ever been in confrontations with people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Throw your cans on, I'll show you one right here. Show me. A fight? Yea, well this is a confrontation. Okay. We got a video of a confrontation in Australia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is Norway. They're so progressive and they have, uhm, so much going on. Uhm, you wanna see your talk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some girls have pressured you and they're like, when are we gonna tie the knot? For sure. You're poly sure. How are you even pausing on this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check out what this girl does. This girl wants her man to commit. He works at Target, okay? He works there. This is what she does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that just shows you right there, by the way, if you're at home watching this and you're like, what about me? This guy works at Target and I'm not putting them down, but if he can find a chick that's demanding to marry him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ask her ideally what question. We'll see if she gets it right. Just ask her one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As long as she, you know, she lets me. She's usually like, did you pay the bills? And then I'm like alright. I check the bank statements first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, okay. If someone doesn't deep fake Burt onto this, you're really missing out on the whole point of having this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can't even, like, come, you wanna come over, you gotta be like, would you like to meet at a public location?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't, like, you think it's gonna happen from the girl that's forward, sexually joking about it. She's not like that. She's like, oh that was a joke. Like that girl who's quiet, kinda stares at the ground. That's the one, right? She's the one you wanna take home and tie up. She's the real savage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who sometimes is like the real put out? The girl who like when everyone's hanging out and like some girls making like sexy jokes, and there's one girl who's not, and you think she's timid, you're like, oh, are they offending you? That's the biggest, like you think she's maybe offended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think now, I think what happens is it ends up being, uh, the okie doke, cause like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The girl that goes like, the girl who goes like, I like my man, like in me, you go like, the natural thing is to be like, okay, either she's funny or you're like, oh, she's horny. I'm saying that you're going to be misled. You're going to be fooled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're fooled into thinking that she's like overtly sexual, and I think she isn't. I think it's just a joke. So it doesn't work. This tactic doesn't work. I don't think it works well. No. Uh, does this work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright? Yea. Right away. And I'll give her, I'll find her and I'll reach out to her with Polly's info. Okay. She fucks. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she's funny. I thought that was pretty funny. I think she's funny, and I also think that she fucks. She fucks. I think she fucks, yea. Yea, I think so. Yea, that's not, she's not full of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not changing my mind, I'm going on an individual basis and I think like certain people, certain people that make the sex joke, certain women that make the sex joke are, it's false advertising. Okay? There's a dip between those legs. Can I take a piss real quick? Oh yea, hold on a minute. Oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Petunia Primrose. Definitely gonna be following you soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just can't. I can't. I don't know what that, that hole, I mean. Is it offensive to do your hair a certain way? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would for real, like people, you know. She's like more dicks the better. Did you joke about this? But I would legit be, I could definitely see being with her, her being like, where's your dick? And I'll be like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It was upsetting the whole way around, so yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That seems like a very advanced like concept to execute for a senior like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so insane. They really, that's so different. Like, can you imagine that laying and playing out here in the States? Nope. There, there's just like, just a whole theatrical scene took place. They carried them out like a child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, it's all like discolored and skin tags and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those legs. Jesus Christ. Well the wheeze is in better shape now. You lost weight? What'd you do? Did you do these workouts? And eat health? Did you change your diet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is your ba- oh look at you man. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever do a post-workout cleanse? You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there you go, right there. That's polyoke right there? Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I sing. And where'd you meet the band?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great, man. That's awesome. And uh, from here, do you go back to Vegas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad to hear you say that the store is not going anywhere. That's very comforting to hear from you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, always great to see you, Paulie. Again, you know, check out his YouTube channel, check out, uh, house guest, uh, guest house, sorry, guest house, uhm, exercise videos, movie clips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also watch the Comedy Store on Showtime if you have not yet. Big celebration of the store and what it means to so many people and of course to Paulie and his family so you should definitely check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to. I would love to. It'd be fun. Super fun. Closing song is Leather Man by Chug. We will see you guys next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it is a Spanish brand and uhm, so I've known about it since for very, very, very long time before I was in this country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would if I could, but I can't, so I won't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you just have a cigarette he was just chewing on like a psychopath. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, remember, we're not just making videos, we're changing lives. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, Jean, I think it is time for you to turn your cool idea into a website. How long have you been saying, I want to build a website, uh, for the upcoming wedding we're going to have next year. Or maybe to display your children's photos. Maybe to promote your online business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's e-commerce functionality that lets you sell anything online. You can customize the look and feel. It's optimized for mobile right out of the box. And uhm, yeaah. You have analytics to help you grow in real time. Built-in search engine optimization. There's no plugins to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, patch or upgrade. So here's what you're gonna do. Try it out. Go to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We expect you to set your alarm and wake up at 6am to listen to it right when it drops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and what I loved about this, uh, the number two show


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We wanted to expand it, like I think we got a little excited about the uncensored element in the first one, so we were like, let's just watch people taking shit on nuggets, shit on nuggets, and that's fun, that's all good, but in the second show we really expanded our definition of what it meant to be live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not massage, right? He says massage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything. Everything. Because I think it's like, I grew up speaking Hungarian before I spoke English. I think that messed me up a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is because I spoke Hungarian first. I think my, you know, you're learning language. So I had to learn English second. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were relentless. It was the grammar police came out in full force to let you know that you're completely R-worded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just can't, you're on for so long, we do so many hours of content, I can't always be right. You know, and also, you just, you know, stream of consciousness what we're doing here. Yeah. So, I try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't he sound, doesn't she sound, doesn't Shauna sound a little special?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I love about- Washington? You know what I love about local news? Is that there's no standard. It's like, they know that she's being R worded. Utah. Utah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but there's a deal, man, is that upon listening to this over and over and over again after you were listening to it, I've had a few thoughts if you might, if we might go further.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, so we were, I was meeting you, I was in the studio, I was gonna meet you at the hotel, and then you were on speakerphone coming back from your tennis lesson, and I didn't know that, and I was like, Mark, you're just the only guy in town, I can't wait to massage your little hole and just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I know. So, but again, this has raised so many questions in my mind. Okay, first of all, he's like, I'm just gonna suck on your tits, and I'm thinking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like it's an interesting thing to throw out there as what's on the menu for later. Like, I'm gonna just suck on your tits. And then he goes, I'm gonna make you feel like you're the only man in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, I don't think Leo's getting that much play besides Mark, which really bothered me. And then also, what's really enticing about Leo's offer is he's like, it's normal sized and it's gonna be quick. So like, I have a small cock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds really undesirable, like I have a small dick and it's gonna go fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and then later he goes, I had, I once had the oriental warts and then they had to give me, um, a circumcision and it made it look like this. Oh, right. So remember he explains to Mark as they're masturbating together that he's had warts and that his grandma would be like, dicks come in all sizes. Remember that part? So weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he says, massage, which I don't like how he says that word, because I don't think. Look, I'm not the expert on. Yeah, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I hate everybody. So, I don't hate everybody, I just hate those SJWs online. I put up, okay, look at my, at the Christina P on the gram, I put up a non-binary emoji.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you may or may not possibly hurt their feelings. It's not only that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and even if something is new and interesting and maybe absurd on first glance you're not supposed to laugh at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's, it sounds like anybody born after Gen W- Gen Y? Is that Generation Y right now who's the unfunnest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Tom, these colors do not run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was startling to me though the first time I saw confederate flags. I mean, in like, Nashville?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, hold on, but I didn't bring up the best part of our night away, is that, so we're sleeping, we had a wonderful dinner with some friends, we drank a lot, we ate wonderful meal, and I'm laying in bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? And you know, you know whenever you're sharing a bed with someone and the bed is shaking, if it's not an earthquake, something bad is about to happen to you or is happening. It's not a good thing when you feel the bed. So I look over and I just see a shadow of Tom on his back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he kinda stops doing what he's doing, the bed stops shaking, and I go, are you, are you touching yourself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, yeah, yeah, no, it just relaxes me. I go to sleep this way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's self-soothing. It's self-soothing. It's what babies do it to. And you're just self-soothing. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me just brag. Can I brag a little bit? For a man of your age?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did it twice in like less than 12 hours. And very firm erections with no assistance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let me tell you, to the married couples out there, you guys have been cooped up with your kids too for months and months. It really made me love you again. I felt a sense of adoration and love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, oh my god. We've all been there. You've watched all the shows you can possibly watch. You've reorganized your pantry 5,000 times. You've washed the dog. Now what do I do with myself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, I rubbed my husband into it and now it's a family affair. It's again free to download and has literally millions of 5 star reviews on the Apple App Store and Google Play. There's more levels, events and challenges added all the time. You know what I really like about this game is that it's a casual play. It's not like, right? It's not like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So involved. You don't get anxiety or stress playing it like some other ones. It's just fun. It's a casual mobile puzzle game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Download Best Fiends free today on the Apple App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the R. Best. Fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I did this live event for flappers where I just talked to people and drank with them. It was really fun. Thank you for the people that showed up for that. It was really neat. But a guy on this thing had an idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, your reluctance to cuddle me is one of the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's completely unheard of that a woman would want to cuddle. And, I mean, I'm a, I'm a dog. I'm a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a Brussels. I need love and affirmation, and you're the only one I'm allowed to get this stuff from, Mark. You need to meet my needs. There it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I make you come, Mark. Where's my cuddles? So this guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On this live thing said, why don't you turn down the thermostat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that way he'll be cold and he'll want to cuddle. So I tried this theory last night. The house was freezing. I was wearing a sweater and socks and my pajama pants. And I was like, all right, Mark, here it is. Let's go. Let's cuddle. And I jumped on top of you to cuddle and you were blazing hot, like a briquette, like on fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I mean there is some validity to your dumb argument that I'm hot, I'm hot, I'm hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I also wanted to thank people. I've been getting a lot of feedback on my Netflix special, Mother Inferior. I'm like, Jesus Christ, people are so desperate now they're down to the female comics, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, everyone's been watching those Korean soap operas and where the Indian shows are done. Yeah. Netflix needs to come up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really think that's what's happening. So thank you for everybody. If you haven't seen it, watch it. It's the only thing left to watch on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, and also Nadab, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the YMH Forensics team also cross-examine the footage and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boy, we need to start making those. Do you think we could get a deal with Carvel? And do like ice cream?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's a lot of feedback I've read, too, where people are upset with us for playing Men Coming. It's like, you know, guys, this is YMH. You can't listen in your cubicle. It's just speakers. You gotta use the headphones. You wanna read that one? Yeah, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hey Hitlers, since the pandemic I've been working from home and so I've been re-listening to your back catalogue of episodes. I live in Chicago and where I stay within my apartment complex is right next to the elevator. Recently people have been moving in and out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And at the same time, I have had a bad cold causing my hearing to be affected. So on Friday before Labor Day, I was listening to episode 500 with Brendan Urie, one of my favorite episodes, and I was playing it loud because of my cold. Unbeknownst to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An Asian family was moving in and all they could hear coming from my apartment was a lady screaming and dropping some big words as she got her asshole tattooed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the best. This caused the family to call the cops and within 10 minutes of the initial big word I got a knock on my door and it was the CPD. I got the biggest dad boner when showing the Chicago police officers a video of a lady getting her asshole tattooed to prove that I wasn't holding a woman against her will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when they say like, male players transition to being female and then they play in a sport with other females?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, that was my favorite part. Do you wanna know why? It reminds me of you. And it's not something far off from what you would do. Like you would incorporate the rip, the burp into what you were already doing. It was pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just kinda checked himself out of the clinic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by nothing on the ground, like not carpet or wood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I'm gonna go out on a, a limb here and, is it limb or a ledge? I don't know. Anyway, I'm gonna go out there and say that he's trying to court a lady. I think it's, right? Cause aren't most men motivated by courtship? Women? Waps?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I remember this very well, and what I hope she has in the new video, since I haven't seen it, is I hope she's still not wearing a bra, because what I remember is how much her tits swing in this one. And also that that shirt is dope as fuck. Is fuck, yeah. She's rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're right Tom. I see a lot of jiggle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I wanna note, let's, let's go through the checklist. Uh, she's lying down, check. Unflattering angle, check. Poor lighting, check. The sound quality is a little too good for a cool guy video. Fine. Fine. I think she might be a little angry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one really brings joy to everybody's life. Everyone I've sent this to they've really liked it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. So it makes me wonder if this is a manufacturer talk. It doesn't matter because it's entertainment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was, I mean this I'll pose a question to the guys in the booth as well. Have you ever sharded a solid log? Or is it always liquid? It's generally liquid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jean, I am obsessed with this song by this girl Heather Porcaro. It's called New Breakdown and I've been listening to it over and over on my Raycon earbuds. I love Raycon earbuds. They are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Premium wireless earbuds, and they're just half the price of the other ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uhm, there's six hours of playtime on the E25s, seamless Bluetooth pairing, more bass, a more compact design, and a noise isolating fit. They're discreet, they're stylish, and Gene, did you know that the company was founded by Ray J? Yes, I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that there are super celebrities who are obsessed with these earbuds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give him a try. So for a limited time, get 15% off your order at buyraycon.com slash ymh. That's buyraycon.com slash ymh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a special 15% discount on Raycon Wireless Earbuds, make sure to check it out now while the deal's running. Buy Raycon.com slash YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I remember most is going to Africa with you and doing the Nando's tour and you would just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, you were smart, because you had bought this powdered thing you'd bring in your packets after the show, you'd go, oh no, I'm on this diet, I'm drinking nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just that one word, that one thing, I know. Wait, what's the hardest you've ever bombed and you've been hated?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of you offended the most, where the line you just crossed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew it and I fucking knew it. But let me ask you this, on a real level, because Canadians are known for being super nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did you get- how did you hone this, like, just- you zero in on exactly what sucks so precisely in your-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're very, I don't want to use the word mean, I don't like mean, cause I don't think so, but, but yeaah. How do you get to be from like, Canadian to, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this? So you mean to tell me that everybody that is in the town that you're from. No, I'm telling you Canadian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you get to know them, that's true. They're deep down, they're fucking, cause my friend Shane, who was on road rolls with me, we're still bros, and we text and man he just gets right to it too. When he wants to zero in, god he nails it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting that you say that, Ian, that Americans are not comfortable with that much realness. I think you're right. I think there's something, I think you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like at the Midwest and maybe the South. How do you do in the South?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about the club that would have the bar in the back of the showroom, and then they would run blending, blending drinks, like eeeeh, the daiquiri.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, you know what my favorite club is? It's uhm, I don't want to say the name, but it's in the middle of the country, and on a Saturday night, in the middle of your set, you hear,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My first show in that Cleveland, um, I had a prostitute and the pimp are thrown out. There was a guy, no, it was a hooker and the client were thrown out of my show and they had the, he had the Bluetooth in and I could see it lighting up in Cleveland, the hooker and the John.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I show him my shart video? Cause that one's, I believe you're Ukrainian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot you know about me. Did you know that I studied German in college?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and lately I've been having this burning desire to brush up on it and get my skills back, which is why I love Babbel. Babbel is proven to get you speaking a language within weeks. Babbel designs their courses with real world conversation in mind, which is so much better than just memorizing stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Letting you learn everyday practical conversations that you will actually use. It's really easy because the daily lessons are only 10 to 15 minutes and start by teaching you words and phrases. Then sentences gradually get more complex and soon you're practicing short conversations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is great, there's over 14 different languages you can choose from, including Spanish, which is the language you speak, French, Italian. Oui oui. Auf Deutsch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and Babble is available as an app or online, so your progress will be synced across all devices. Right now, when you purchase a three month subscription, Babble will give our listeners three additional months for free with promo code MOM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's three additional months free if you go to babble.com and use promo code mom on your three month subscription.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We love you. Ian Bag channel, why don't you guys subscribe to Ian Bag's channel. Yeah. B-A-G-G. Look at that. There he is. There it is. Support your Canadians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like a defensive, like what are you looking at? God, I'm just a guy dressed like a parrot. He wants to talk to you. Facial tattoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you approach them? Pets are cool. Can you teach them to repeat stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, Ian, are you on the talk? Do you do TikTok?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The peritory, the respiratory. She's, she's very active on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hugely successful, she's a dog play cosplayer and she pretends to be a puppy and I think I may put one other one in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She pretends to be a dog. She eats dog food off the floor. She plays fetch with herself and frolics around just like a pet dog. But do we ever get to see somebody like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't- I'm not on TikTok, I'm sure I'm the only fan. No? She makes this kind of money just doing this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she hasn't, so. Oh, she still lives with her parents? No, no. Oh, fuck no. No, she hasn't amounted to, like, she has a part-time gig, like transcribing things. Starbucks? Yeah, like, she just works out of her house because she's not allowed to leave it. I've been, I did a deep dive. Uh. Wormhole. That's so bad. Yeah, fuck. Oh my god. Uh, yeah, that's, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't, I don't know, I never understand people's compulsion to be out with it. Like, you had a burning desire to let the world know that you're a slave and you must be acknowledged for it. You know, it's so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I don't know. If you see me, help me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Childtective. Oh god. Childtective.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my daughter. This is her son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the irony is too, I don't know if you've ever researched trainers online, they generally don't lie down to do their videos or their advertising, like usually it's like a peppy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the grossest thing I've ever heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that, yeaah, I was wondering too, like this obviously isn't working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder, yea, why not a different approach? I agree, he keeps doing it, and it's like, it's not... I'm sorry, I can't imagine the things that this guy's putting out there. I can't imagine a woman thinking this is okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I think technically just don't say what the liquid might be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just water, it's just murky water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ed Asner. Tom just had a hernia repaired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please w- please wish him a speedy recovery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's self-conscious about the hole, assure him that it's normal size, and that he shouldn't massage it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell him to look forward to coming up in May, and by saying, don't be stingy, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the current, yep, uh, elected mayor in 2016 in the municipal elections, uh, defeating the incumbent mayor, Troy Ephraim. Ephraim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm great, uh, hold on, didn't you get everything that you were supposed to get?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yup. I would like to say that, you know, I promised you that you'd get two gifts, which you did. Uh, you returning them, I mean, that's, that's up to you. So, I don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And take the shit out of me. Call me. From the sissy of Fremont Street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why in God's name don't we teach history in history classes? A black man and men at the light bulb, not a white guy named Edison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I help you? Hey, how's it going? My name's Norman. I actually was calling in regards to the kayak that you have on Craigslist. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is actually for my cousin. It's his wife's birthday coming up. He is really excited to get her this kayak. So I'm actually gonna put him on real quick. Uh, his name's Leo. He's a little hard of hearing, so bear with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This program is a continuation of my series on the Denver International Airport, and especially the murals and the art contained therein, because they are evil, they are signs of Satanism, and on this program I will point out that many of them are phallic symbols.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In previous videos, I have pointed out that this is actually the figure of a naked woman and the crotch is formed by a bird form. That's not true, that was Chris Christie doing the opening pitch. It constitutes a phallic symbol and in fact represents the male genitalia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please notice that the Latin name for this bird includes the word impanus. Now that is not accidental. The artist chose this bird for a reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you approach the Denver airport by car, you are immediately struck by this gigantic statue of a blue fiberglass horse. Many of the shapes on the horse's tail and mane are phallic shapes, and of course it is a masculine horse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That the outdoor baggage hailing area is in the shape of a phallus. Let's take a closer look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now this photograph was taken on a snowy day, which makes this area actually a little clearer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] official logo of the Obama campaign and that's a big O which of course stands for him and below that there are several stripes


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which indicate the homosexual movement. In other words, the rainbow flag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And below Obama's logo we have two stripes and three stripes, which look much more like streaks of blood. Now, some people don't like this kind of perversion of the American flag because it is very satanic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm seeing this background with the Paul Champagne. I don't think he made that graphic. Of course not. I think he's, I think he found some sort of blue, maybe like a jizz band type deal to help him on the back, in the background because, I mean, this is some pretty high tech stuff he's doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my favorite part of it, is that he left all this dead air in his intro part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you don't see his dick, it's because we did that on our end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like he, so I have already subscribed to his only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, so I think he has nine or ten videos already uploaded to his- Oh wow. And I just took one of them, and right from the beginning it's gold. So, and you know, I figured, we're just teasing this. Right, right. So it's, we're not gonna show his dick, you have to pay him money to see that. We're not gonna show him actually coming, you're gonna have to pay to see that. But, you can definitely hear some of this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I'll, uh, it's part of being a producer on this show. I'll bite that bullet for you. I'll go see you tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I'll see how he compares and what other people are offering and if it feels, because I'm really good at seeking value. I'm the value seeker. That's right. So I'll let you know if it's worth it next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even go to the gym because I know that my chest will hurt, like for, for a week afterward. Potter was fucking complaining, it's like, oh my god, I have bruises all over my body, this hurts my body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, now, I mean, I don't know, I feel like I, you know, it's, I feel like I'm an old dog at this point. Oh, so you're okay with it. And this is a new trick, and it's just like, well yeah, my trick is just suck it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea yea yea, someone made a really cool, uh, cartoon of, you know, our very own Dr. Drew. Oh, okay. One of our favorite cool guys. Alright. Let's see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's actually the super cool guy from a week or two ago that made the cum nips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's uh, he's, we've been starting to go through some of his library and let me tell ya, he's, we're gonna see a lot of him coming up. Really? Thanks, God. He's a super cool dude. The comments are so revolting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were watching an interview with them and someone asked them, uh, why do you use cum? And he's like, well, because it's cheap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. They let you do a lot. Yeah. The WWE wrestling game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That murders people on his mattress?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so, so Tom is arguing that Aubrey should get it, and then Christina, you're arguing that either Bobby or Jake should get it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I'm, I'm, I'm really, I, I like people that, that kinda circumvent the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so what I like are people that are able to get show references, and on the surface it just seems weird, but you know, deep down it's like, oh okay, this person gets it. And with that, I think, I think I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she did such a good job, so funny. Yeah, and it just seems like, oh yeah, I'm just a responsible pet owner just trying to hang out with my dog during this, uh, during this pandemic, you know? Yeah. Uhm, so I mean, I know all these other people are sick and tired and they deserve beds. But my vote's for Brianna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, just to see if I could do it, but I don't prefer it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're getting a close up of your nose there. You're gonna have your nose taken off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And hopefully it looks like what the picture shows when it comes on time. I don't know, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When are you gonna make the website you've been talking about forever? And why not use Squarespace? Squarespace. I have built four websites using Squarespace. Why? Because I love their templates. They're so clean and intuitive and functional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're great for people viewing your website on mobile devices. Everything is just so easy. You don't have to know HTML coding. There are no plugins. So you're never going to go to your site and realize it's down because you didn't install the thing that you don't know how to install in the first place.