[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So her friends are there, but they're not, it's just, it's like, I don't think I was sold out, but I was like a few seats shy being sold out this month. I don't know how those motherfuckers do that. Where all of a sudden I'm not getting the bonus. I'm like, well, that was, I'm like, how did, how did my people just not, there couldn't have been like five more people, but anyway, it was very close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, oh, I'm so almost a draw, but then so, okay, so then, but so, she makes up like, there's maybe like 12 of her friends. So she's not making up that much of the audience, but it's enough where I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ma, you know, like, so she, so she throws the present on stage, and now I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta, I've just barely gotten the audience on my side, so now I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I have to take a present, open it, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In retrospect, I should have thrown it at her, like, totally taken her down as if she was a regular person, and not my mom, embarrassed her in front of her friends, and possibly had her kicked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was still being like, I don't want to hurt my mom's feelings, right? I don't want to embarrass her in front of her friends. So I'm trying to like, make it work in both ways. So now I have to, I have to get away from the microphone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To open this present, my hands aren't on the mic, my hands are now doing another thing, I have to look down at a thing, I have no control over the audience at this point, right? No, people are looking at her, I have to now, now, and then what it is is, it's a fucking, like an arm, not like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like a sex fist, but like a, like an arm that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nurses would use to try, like, their...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. IV's on or whatever. Uh huh. So, she throws this arm and says, so now I have to explain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who my fucking mom is, what her job is, why she would give me this present, all this stuff, and it was just like so, I was so mad, and I had a really bad set, cause I was so like, and like, it was like, I got like bad reviews, like I never get bad, like, I mean we all get bad reviews here and there, but like I never get, in Philly I usually get like really good reviews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, I got like bad, like I got like, people were writing about it, like she sucked, like all this, I'm like, mom, you fucking bitch, like, that's my money, like that's my job, like, and I remember like, and she was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just like, well, how, and she goes, sorry, can't you just like get over it? Like I didn't mean to. And it's like, let's play this out. Let's say that had killed. Where would the audience be looking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why does everyone think everyone gives a fucking shit? It's so unbelievable. What is this new thing where it's like, everyone's like, vulnerability is strength, and now everyone's like, I'm bipolar, and you're like, yo, I wouldn't even let everyone know you're bipolar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not on social media. This is my thing where it's like, the, like the, where it's like we're at this place where it's now like, like naked chicks showing their cellulite and they're like, look, I'm bra- or brave or whatever, I'm like, getting attention for your body is not bravery, like that's not- they're like, now I can also do this thing that was also kinda gross and not appropriate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, do you guys know that it's a full-time job to be a good dad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got so much more stuff than I had. It's the lyrics to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's told us. He's just like, he's got stuff to do, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or do you think she's proud? Do you think she's like, do you think she's like, like, look how awesome I've figured this out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should tag your kids. I was like, there's all these like birth videos on YouTube. Why? Listen, those kids are gonna like, they're YouTube generation bitch, like they're gonna fuckin' find themselves. Wanna see your mom's puss? Wanna see your own head comin' out of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, don't- the high school thing makes no sense because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can easily reconnect with someone, like don't maybe think it's going to be the same person you had a crush on in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also here's the thing, I've dated some pretty big guys. I don't have any problem with that. But you can't be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's super new. Yeaah, but we were friends for like seven years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's my best friend. It's so fun. It's like, great. That's awesome. I never, I always thought you like, they came separately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I would be like hanging out with him and then we'd be having like the best time ever, just like literally like writing jokes, laughing, just like till our stomachs hurt and then I'd be like, oh I gotta go bang this guy that parked my car the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thrilled about it at first. I was like, how dare, cause he had promised he would never, thank you. Uhm, women helping women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For three years, like on and off, you mean? No, lived with him. I was homeless when I met him, I was living in my car. And, uh, this was the rollerblader. And then, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like a nice guy, he's a nice guy from Jersey, like reminded me of home. He's younger than me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I do have a good story. I went on two, I went on two things, but I thought it was just a bad, like I was like, oh, I went through a breakup or something, I wanna like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck someone once or whatever. So I went on, I did Raya. Do you know what Raya is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like the celebrity one, the exclusive one. That sounds cool. It's worse. It's like, oh hey, do you want to go on a date that, uhm, will also potentially hurt your career?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like very, it's like exclusive and it's just like, it's a weird, I don't know, to me it's, it's just weird. It's like, you're like, hey Matthew Perry, uhm, or whatever. Do you know what I mean? It's like, you're just like, it's like a weird, it's like weird, you know, like, oh. Uhm, but I never like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, do you want me to give you an application? Because me handing you money is exactly the same job. Like, no offense to people that work it right, but it was like, dude, I think you can probably get a job here. Probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I like to be jerked off in front of just kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] King of the year, uhm, uh, I think I was like kinda down for whatevs. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to Leatherfest in Silverlake, uhm, maybe 10 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have, they have assless chaps, and uhm, which I've never seen ass full chaps to be honest, but with butt plugs that look like tails, and then there was a guy that had a booth that people could come up to, and they would zip you up in a body bag, and just your balls would be out, and he would whip your balls. And people were like, there was a line around the fucking block.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In doggie heaven, all dogs go to heaven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want you to be like, like, Harvard educated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you think they're doing that to try to have like a broader audience? Like they're pretending like, they're like, we want the Christians to like us too. They just want, they don't want to come off as weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you found a fucking husband who's like totally down. Fucking do your gratitude list in the morning bitch, alright? You can write it with your little paws. And don't, but don't like correct him like he's offended you. Like it's not like he has to accommodate you more than he already has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like you have no, it's like people have not, I've just had real shit happen, so it's like, you know, have you guys ever had your house broken into or whatever? I feel like being like fucking raped or having like your house broken into, it's like these things that happen where you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You realize like your walls are not, they're false, like this barrier is like not real, right? So you just have to be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to be your walls, like you have to try your best to like protect yourself, and you can't just like, it's just, it's just... Makes me crazy too. Makes me crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking, I just can't believe this shit. It's like, I don't give a fuck about your dog shit, but I'm allowed to make fun of you. I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you can make fun of me, motherfucker. I'm not saying you can't make fun of me. It's like, who wasn't made fun of? I know. It's so important to be made fun of, like, especially as comics, like, I mean, come on. Of course. I'm assuming we all got dragged. Oh, yeah. Dragged, and it's like, you learn how to get through it. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm going through something. It's like, yeah, so is Roseanne, bitch. Like, what the fuck? Like, you can't, everyone's so hypocritical. If you wanna, okay, fine, then we have to be, like, feel bad for everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, it's not sexual, he's wearing fucking pleather from head to toe. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're making fun of someone, you're fucking including them in the thing. It's like I'm trying to get on a level where I can relate to you because what you're doing is fucking crazy. If I wasn't making fun of you, I would be judging you. Do you understand? If I was just silently sitting there and going like this, I would be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How annoying is it, as someone with a narcissistic mother, how annoying is it if your owner is like taking the toy? You're like, yo, can I get the toy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you just have to complain about stuff, right? You have to be a victim. Yeah, it's crazy. Uhm, let me look up the states.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go on a date with, and you know like everyone's a liar and everything, but I thought they'd lie about like height and stuff. This guy, um, cropped out. He had a, like a lobster claw hand. He had like a deformed hand. And like, I don't care. I was a special ed teacher. I'm cool. But like, it was, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just so surprising and we never talked about it and then he took me to a lobster restaurant. He did? With his lobster, with his lobster hand. Oh that's nice, but see that's funny. But we didn't talk about it. No! It was totally random and I was like, cause I was like, I don't wanna do a bit about it, I talk about it on stage but it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was wild, I'm like, just hope, like, cause I would always make sure you could tell I didn't have big boobs and stuff, like, I never wanted to have the moment of like, disappoint, I just never like, if I'm not your type, you're not mine, so it's like, I'm not gonna like, go on a date with someone and then show up and you like, look different than your picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Famous people with lobster claws. No, no, no, no. He's not famous. He's just, he was a nice guy. It was just like, and I wouldn't have, it's just, once I saw that, I was like, yeah, that's weird, man. Just show your thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your website? Where can people find you? Uhm, you can find me, my website is not updated, I'm bad at that stuff, but uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will update it. It's Annie Letterman dot com. But also, uh, I will post most of my dates on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's L-E-D-E-R-A-Man. So I'm gonna be at, in Poughkeepsie. Wait, no. I'm gonna be in Saratoga Springs at the Comedy Works. Okay. New York, November 23rd and 24th with Kurt Metzger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a lot of business, a lot of interesting, yes, but which is your main characteristic, your specialty, your main characteristic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you! Got it? Hey, babe! Fuck you! Got it? Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! I'm on the outside, babes! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was, those guys, it was the 70s. It was the 70s, people were different then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got this wisdom that's like beyond his years. That's very sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he couldn't have been nicer and he's like, Andy, listen, I will release all the water. I will let you serve it. But I want to be one of the first people to be paid this import fee for what you're doing. And I said, okay, great. And I got back and I had all the water that we needed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay guys, I've got someone to fill out on for some for the golf game tomorrow. But, it's a girl. Okay? Oh good. Is she a hot piece of ass? Close. She's older and used to have a penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, we all agree. Men's tease this time. Let me get her on the horn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Bombs House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Later this month, I'll be in Fresno and Bakersfield. Then I head to Florida. I'm gonna go and do Fart Meyers, Jack me off Phil, Orlando, and Augusta, Georgia, the first weekend of November.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a few tickets left for a couple of those shows and then a few are sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and then from there, I do my very exciting week at the, uh, Wellmont in Montclair and four shows at the Merriam in Philher up Delphia. The late Friday show in Philly is the one with tickets available if you haven't gotten tickets yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll go there and of course all my 2019 dates or the first half of the year is on sale all at TomSegura.com slash tour. Check those out. I started off January 5th in San Francisco at the Mace Sonic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where the dudes are. Jean. We have so much to talk about. So much to talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone didn't get the right order there, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You haven't seen, obviously you don't see these folders even in the files or anything. Uh, one of these clips of this lady is called Drugs or Mental Illness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, before we go even further on this, I wanna, don't forget what your pet peeve is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to congratulate my friend, last week's guest, Finesse Mitchell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An alum of the University of Miami on his team's nauseating win this past weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wearing his shirt, congratulations Finesse, and congratulations to the biggest piece of shit fan base in all of sports, the University of Miami Hurricanes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what, that's what we're talking about. Well here's the thing too, about, cause I know you don't want to spoil the fourth, every, every single fanbase has garbage people in it. Every single one. And people, when they, people will act like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their team doesn't and they're full of shit, you know, especially when you're talking about a sizable fan base, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe if you're like, I, you know, I go to the University of Northern Idaho or some shit where there's like 800 people enrolled. Okay. Maybe your fucking fan base doesn't, but once you're talking about like a national fan base, of course it has everything, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some don't. I mean, I've been in tailgates where people were really decent and like welcoming and nice. And look, I mean, some of my best friends are Miami graduates, alums.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have friends, good friends that live in Miami. It's not an anti-Miami thing. First of all, I know you do. It's a sports rivalry. You're supposed to talk shit about your rivals. You're supposed to say that they're garbage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, I had people who obviously don't know anything about me, they're like, why don't you say what you really mean? And I was like, what do I really mean? And then they implied that I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking shit about Miami, calling them garbage people because I'm racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, interesting. Which race? One guy implied that I was racist against, uh, Latino people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, I think that's one of the cheapest, laziest, most idiotic takes on criticism, is that you can, you spin it to that, it's like a cop out to talking shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instead of being like, your team sucked. Right, it's like, you guys are garbage people, and then to be like, you're saying that because we're, like, Latin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, it's, not only is it cheap and lazy and idiotic, which are three traits you find very often with Miami fans. Sure. But, uh, it really takes, it takes the banter out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll say the same thing in November about Gator fans, because it's a rivalry. You hate the Gator fans. But that's, that's the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know who's dumb or they're both, they're awful people. They're just awful, awful people. I mean, you know, who's worse, uh, Mussolini or Hitler? You know, it's like, they're bad guys, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go. No, but seriously, uhm, it was, it was a ridiculous game. It was so crazy. And, uh, Finesse, I will say, obviously wearing a shirt, smells really good by the way. Really? You gotta smell this shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he never smelled bad. Uhm, and also congrats, uh, don't forget, Vanessa's special. That's right. The spirit told me, right? The spirit told me to say it. Yea, I think it's out now on Showtime. No, it comes out October 19th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm gonna have a promo cut to the seminal war chant for him for his special. Good idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get the word out. Sure. You know what I mean? Sure. Just to help him out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I'll just, uh, I'll plug it for him. I'll try to set that up for him and that way, you know, it'll be, it's like a promo and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but in your mind you're going to a clean, sterile, sanitary, safe, relaxing, wonderful place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most American dudes are like, no, we're trunks. But then you'll see guys who are like, they'll give you the eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The San Francisco treat eyes, and they'll let you know that like, I'm not really in the trunks, are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the guy that goes in the steam room and, and does towel. I mean everyone go in with a towel. Then there's the guy that opens the towel. It's like, I just feel comfortable. You know, like I just, I'm just comfortable like this. And then there's the towel closed, which is like, it's not necessary. I wouldn't say it's necessarily etiquette, but it's just, you know. He wants you to see what he's working with. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally different culture. That's different though. Here, it's just more modest here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, or, or, I mean there's different guys that show their junk. There's inviting you in. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's truly, I don't care, like I'm like, and you see it sometimes with like a really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disgusting body. They'll be like, I don't give a shit. You know they're like, everything's gross on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then there's also the proud buck, where it's like, if, if you're, you know, 6'5", totally ripped, you got a 10 inch hog. Peacocking. Yea, it's peacocking, where it's like, it's like, they're not necessarily inviting you, they're just being like, I'm a specimen, so. Look at my shit. Yea, my shit's nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm, I'm fairly modest. Where like, I don't, I don't, I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm kinda like the guy who's like, I'm gross, uh, I know no one wants to see it, but I'm aging, so I'm getting more into I don't care. So I kinda hide my body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everything, but I'm also like, I'm fucking- I'm gross, yea. I'm a dad, I'm, you know, I'm like, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done it. I've done it before. I wasn't like, I don't know. It wasn't a big deal really. You do it after you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just like, you just want an assassin on board who just watches it and immediately kills those people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, look, this is a perfect time to introduce what this full clip is. I love it. The context of this here. This video was recording in a Starbucks. An employee asked the woman to stop having her call on speaker phone. She loses it. Yea, she's cracking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Poof. Man, this, this is, this, this gets heated. We just showed you it fresh, so here's where it started kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine how, first of all, the audacity to sit in- I've been in a uhm, before I had-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had, there was somewhere we didn't have internet when I mean, it was like more than maybe we weren't even living together. It was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have internet for whatever reason. I'm trying to think of, uh, but I was in Hollywood. Yea, no, I don't even think we were dating. Are you down or something? Yea, I didn't have a computer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went to, uh, Kinkos. Old, you know, old FedEx Kinkos. I'm sorry, where? And they have the, uh, Frex. And they have the, they have like the internet room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a lady, like, and we were all sitting at computers doing different things. This lady was, uh, answering the phone like she was at the office, like her office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Full fucking conversations, and you see everybody turning around, bitch are you out of your mind? Like, this isn't your suite, this is a public space. No, this is her world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should change, they should say, we're not your third home, but you can shit here. Like that, that should be the story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Starbucks. It's completely, it's inhumane. No, I know. It's wrong. We're giving you caca juice. Caca juice. And we're giving it to all of you, and we make one toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No aftermath, like not knowing. What happened? Yea, like what happened next? Did the cops come? I wish. Did she come back and throw a fucking brick through the door? Like what happened next?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, it's October 9th when we record this right now. Sober October affects people differently and there's different challenges for different people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean. Let's go through it. Well, for like, for instance, and by the way, I highly encourage anybody to take part in this in whatever capacity they want to take part in. It's just a great exercise. What do you mean? Meaning like some people go like, I just want to give up drinking for the month, but I don't want to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, or some people go like, I'm just gonna not smoke pot. Just do that. Like, you, there's no set of rules. The rules are yours to make. I just think it's good sometimes in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To engage in an exercise of discipline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's sort of our lint, and it's just, it's good, it's like, hey man, once a year, it's something to mentally focus on, and there's just rewards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mostly for yourself to see what you're capable of, you know? So for me, for instance, I'd be lying if I said the sobriety part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was a challenge. Cause I'm just not a big drinking drug guy. Right. I mean, I enjoy them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I enjoy it, but I enjoy it usually in mild doses, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll sometimes go two weeks without anything, without thinking or trying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well done. Depends. Sometimes you want, I like wine with dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, sometimes if it's like a steak, I'll have a cab. Sometimes I'll do...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Malbec sometimes I'll do, yeah, Pinot Noir. But, yeah, I like wine with dinners. Uhm, sometimes if I'm like, ah, man, it's nice, this weekend's over, I'll have bourbon. Oh, shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do, I'm saying it's not, it's not that frequent, you know. I just don't have, I like beer with sushi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I don't know. And then as far as getting high, I like weed, but I like, I've discovered over life now that I just like mild doses. I like being able to function and not have like paranoia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, for me, I think that I have a low tolerance, like I've just, I know that I do. So for me, it's like, it's not a fun endeavor if I go over the line, because then I'm like, I just gotta get in my room and cry alone. Yeah, it's horrible. Yeah, so I like a mild dose. So I'm saying, the challenge for me isn't that part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I work out separate from Sober October regularly. Every week I do a couple of sessions with the trainer. I do some stuff at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But so far, we're on the 9th here. I've worked out every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing, uh, so far on six of the nine days, I did two workouts a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that is the, for me, the fun or the challenge and the part that's rewarding is to go, can you actually do that? Can you work out every day for a month? Because that's a departure for me. That's not something I would normally do, you know? Right.


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[Assistant] For me a busy, like a heavy workout week would be...


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[Assistant] It's a lot. Here's the current standings. Go ahead. Now this changes and this is standings according to our point system that this app awards us. Uhm, for people curious, it's the My Zone app. It's uh, attached to a heart monitor and it basically gives you points based on the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Percentage of your max. That's basically like a cardio reward.


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[Assistant] As of right now as we're recording this, I'm in first. Good for you, Gene. Ari's in second.


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[Assistant] Burnt is in third, and Joe is in fourth. What's up with Joe? Well, I'll tell you. This is like...


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[Assistant] He could make up today. He is annoyed.


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[Assistant] By basically the fact that I got this thing at the gym and that's why I suggested it to these guys.


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[Assistant] And when you go to the gym and you see your points and you wanna move up,


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[Assistant] You work out to get your points. Well, the sort of shortcut, it's not really a shortcut, but the thing we figured out is that, well, you can just get your heart rate up by doing cardio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, you still have to put in the time and you still have to get your heart rate up, but it just seems like, uh, a way to get points. So he's like, whatever. I'm, he's like, you know, I could smash like somewhere. Like, yeah, he was, um, you know, he was like doing two hours.


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[Assistant] of, uh, cardio when we started this. He was like, this is just easy. Like I.


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[Assistant] It's not, I'm just annoyed at how much time I'm having to put in doing this.


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[Assistant] Did that order there? It's all within a couple hundred points of each other.


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[Assistant] He normally, his normal, normal routine is five days a week.


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[Assistant] Oh my goodness. And of those five days, uh, I dunno, most of them are like brutal intense workouts. I've seen it.


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[Assistant] This is, this is no days off. I hate no days off.


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[Assistant] This is his, uh, traveling gym. This is his gym that goes to every set.


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[Assistant] We do a Twitch, uhm, we do a Twitch now on Wednesdays. It's usually like around 5. Twitch.tv slash your mom's house podcast. And then a few hours later, it's on YouTube. But on the Twitch, on the Twitcher,


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[Assistant] When you Twitch with us, you can watch it with us. We jump in. I'm DJ Dadmouth1.


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[Assistant] That's his life, man. He's the biggest movie star in the world too.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's a, there's a separate AC. It's like a wall thing. It's a wall thing that has its own, um, condenser outside of the house. It's just for this room because the room was an add-on to the house.


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[Assistant] And here's the cool thing. We have to replace absolutely everything.


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[Assistant] The entire unit, a whole new condenser, it's really fucking cool.


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[Assistant] She said she would still turn me in immediately but no way in hell she would turn on her son. Is your wife as terrible as mine, Jared? I think you have your answer already. She obviously would.


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[Assistant] First of all, no, I'm a sweetheart. You can ask anybody that walks up to me in public anywhere. I always take time. I always talk. I always do pictures, whatever anybody wants, sign anything.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but I do think your dream is highly amusing. And I love that I was a shit-dick to you in your dream, but in real life it wouldn't go like that. No, you wouldn't do that. No, hell no. I could see you being a bigger dick. Get the fu-


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[Assistant] Uhm, one here before we gotta take a, we have a guest, we have two guests.


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[Assistant] Uh, hello shitlers. I got a little insight into the bee hole munching. My old lady always wants to eat the scrum and I always say no. Jesus. I'm not a prude and I do actually quite enjoy it, just like the gays, but couldn't figure out why I didn't want her to.


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[Assistant] So with some long hard thought, while browning, I came to the conclusion that I respected her too much.


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[Assistant] As my wife, even though she's a dirty hoe, I don't need her to spread open the swamp for my pleasure.


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[Assistant] She has no fucking idea what she's getting into. Thanks. I love you guys.


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[Assistant] And then I would say there's a midday fart for sure. And then...


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[Assistant] So this is how many times I've probably farted in front of you. 33,600.


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[Assistant] That's a lot of farts. That's a lot of farts.


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[Assistant] We were just talking to somebody about it. We were just talking to somebody who's in a similar, I mean, two kids married and he was like, no. I go, what?


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[Assistant] Yeaah, just hold it and, and he's like, it's happened. But then we asked like, what about your wife? He's like, never, not once.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but maybe, maybe because of that they're eating each other's scrum or something. No, they're not.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. But he's real decent, you can tell.


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[Assistant] Now, joining us is somebody who, if you saw me last year on the, uh, the No Teeth No Entry Tour, in a number of cities, this young, fine young man was with me, uhm, through a lot of those, you saw me, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tape the special in Denver. This young man was with me. Young man. And if you saw me in New Orleans or most recently in Eugene, Boise, and Sacramento this past weekend, this...


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[Assistant] Was the opener who we're very happy to say will also be helping us a lot more on the podcast with some production stuff. And uh, he's just an absolutely hilarious guy. It's Josh Potter.


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[Assistant] You go mutton. Uh, but this is, so you're telling us it's mutton. Mutton. Mutton. With T's. Go mutton with the crew. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I want people to know, uhm, how we met. I think they owed a little backstory. I met Josh in Buffalo. In Bar-falo. In Bar-falo. Doing, uh, a club week a few years ago. And then we did a bunch of gigs since, uhm, you were on the radio there too. I was. And so you know a lot about...


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[Assistant] What is your Twitter handle? At Jay underscore Potter. Will you take, or do you, uh, accept nudes? Fuck yeah. Okay.


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[Assistant] Could be part of my brand. Could be part of your brand. I'm the dick guy. So, now, cause I was never the single guy out there on the road, do you ever, I mean, sometimes, you know, we'll do our shows, we part ways, we'll be like, alright, I mean, do you ever go out there and, you know, try to hit the bar that the people may have been at? I wish.


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[Assistant] So have you been, are you, uh, somebody that scores on road weekends?


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[Assistant] Yeah, so you actually, what you're saying is you will actually spend time doing, speaking to someone you have no interest speaking to. Exactly.


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[Assistant] Out there, looking on for a second, wife number two. Hey! Hey! Hey!


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[Assistant] No, I'm saying- No, I'm not gonna wife up immediately, but I'm saying, it's Smash City for a while, and then the one who's like, I'll eat your butt, I put the ring on it. Oh, stop it.


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[Assistant] Now, one of the things, I mean, I love about Josh, he's a great comic.


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[Assistant] Yeah man, so I go, look man, so to give people more, uhm, uh, information, we've been working on a


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[Assistant] A transition to expand our show, uhm, there's a-


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[Assistant] But, you know, we're trying to expand the show. We have a studio space that we're outfitting to, uh, to start doing the show from, hopefully without dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, she's going crazy over there. Anyway, uh, we want Josh, uh, to, uh, to work with us in this new space. I'm pumped. So pumped.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and so, basically, uhm, I need that to stop. Can you please do something about that?


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[Assistant] Uh, she's gonna go back. Just give it a minute. How about we just pick it up? Alright, alright.


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[Assistant] I'm asking you. How about you pick it? I'm asking you. So rude.


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[Assistant] To introduce you to the show, the idea was that you would...


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[Assistant] Pull some of your, pull some clips, whatever you want to, you know, introduce it to the audience.


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[Assistant] All I know is that I have four files. Okay. Uh, these are separated into four files for us to... For genres. For genres, okay.


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[Assistant] I'll let you direct, I haven't seen anything, I just knew that like, we're gonna introduce Josh to the audience, Josh is gonna introduce clips to us, is there anything I can, should I just play them at random? Uhm, not at rand, maybe in order? In the order that they're, so the first one I see is Dai Dai, should I do that? Okay, yeah we can start there.


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[Assistant] Well, I think it's one of the most interesting things is like, there's stuff that you like, and then there's the curious stuff. Stuff that makes you go like, is that really a thing?


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[Assistant] Amazing, alright. So, I will start, I'll play this. I have a feeling that a lot of this is gonna be blurred out.


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[Assistant] Okay, let's see what it said. Let's see what we got here. Uh, Josh Potter.


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[Assistant] She's making sure you know. But she also rubbed her anus specifically.


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[Assistant] There were some things in between those. I would love, Josh, if you were a hot chick and see the stuff you'd pull off. With your knowledge now.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so that- now, just out of curiosity, are you into pee? I am not into pee. This is-


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[Assistant] She has that dumb, like, that I didn't really read a lot growing up, pronunciation of words, where she says, uh,


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[Assistant] And she's, I mean, she's, it's obviously like a, an advanced chair that she uses.


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[Assistant] I can see right there. But also to be clear, he's well on his way.


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[Assistant] So, that leaves us with one last clip. Is this the save the best for last kind of scenario?


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[Assistant] Uh, yeah, I mean, I think the P one I just kinda go like, meh. The disabled one makes me think like, well actually,


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[Assistant] You know, everybody wants some lovin'. So, right? Everyone needs some. It's impressive that the guy can do it. Yes. Because I saw an interview with a porn guy once and they asked him something, they weren't asking about this, but they're like, what happens if like you, uh,


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[Assistant] I don't know, don't like the girl or something, something like that. And he was like, Oh, I always try to think about something else to get me through the, the scene.


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[Assistant] The N word one thing about that is that you know it's very taboo, which maybe for everyone in that room adds to the excitement of the situation, like makes the adrenaline kind of pump. I feel like if I was the white camera guy, I'd be like, you need to chill the fuck out.


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[Assistant] Allah will grow within, so this is like-


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[Assistant] So for people that can't see, there's like a Osama lookalike and another guy seated in a cave delivering one of those anti-American message look videos.


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[Assistant] So she's reporting back about it.


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[Assistant] So Veronica says that, uh, she's just reporting on this live story.


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[Assistant] Covering the news, covering the hunt for Osama.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't want their dicks in me. Okay, how about this scenario? Would you rather...


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[Assistant] You're gonna be with the VC, and they're gonna beat the fuck out of you, break your arm, fuck up your shoulder, break your ribs, knock you out a few times, and keep you for a year, and then you're freed. Or...


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[Assistant] Three guys spit on you, stick dicks and dildos in your horn, but then they let you go when they're done.


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[Assistant] You really ended this one. Okay, here's the bad part. The three of them, they wanna empty their balls multiple times.


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[Assistant] That sounded, that sounded fun. Hell yea. Look at you two pigs. They're just spittin' on me, and they're like, I'm mad at Kenny, and I'm like, yeaah, what's up man? Be like, I have a funny question. Now what would be worse?


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[Assistant] Do you think it would be worse that if all those guys, uhm,


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[Assistant] Empty themselves in you rectally. I have a good one too. Or in the throat.


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[Assistant] A doctor, a doctor friend, uh, told me that, you know, he treats all this stuff. And he said that, uhm, a lot of times guys are embarrassed or just ignore all this stuff and will wait until it is like a raging, full inflammation. Yes. Of course.


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[Assistant] By the time they get, by the time that he sees them, it is completely covered. There's a stench. It's like, it looks like...


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[Assistant] It looks like, uhm, like, like, uh, feature film effects, like for, you know, an alien on their dick. And then they're like, is this something? And then they go to him like, this feels like this should be looked at.


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[Assistant] No, cause you have to start talking, you have to keep reassuring me like, don't worry that it's this voice. It's me. It's me. It's Cristina.


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[Assistant] Here's the thing though, cause this applies to every time this scenario is brought up. What type of person are we dealing with? Cause if you're talking about this is a straight up


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[Assistant] It's a bad one to volunteer. I think what you would do is you'd probably, you'd try to find a way there. You'd have to. Without being, you can't just like out of the gate say it. You gotta start like playing music and get her take, you know? Maybe you watch something.


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[Assistant] I know, it'd be terribly embarrassing for it to go wrong obviously. Yea, it'd be horrible. It'd be horrible. But even that shame is not as bad as being spit on and filled up by like...


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[Assistant] I think I would still take the real girl.


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[Assistant] And risk being humiliated. I'll take the payday.


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[Assistant] See, I think a lot of guys would tolerate it more. I think it would fare better for you than it would for us.


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[Assistant] You could be like, can I call your dad fag?


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[Assistant] Can I ask you a guy who hears a woman, like if you go on a date, and ask a guy, can I ask you a silly question? Can I call you the M word? No matter what comes up there, yea. This guy, like unless he is real, like his whole life is doing the right thing, and he's gonna be like, this bitch.


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[Assistant] She's gonna be the freakiest of all time. Like, just for asking me that, she's gonna be such an animal that probably most I think would be like, yeah sure. And then they might even take a thrill in like, you were saying those things where like, they just then punish you.


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[Assistant] Now what if, uh, what if you went out with an African American woman and then she asked you to do that?


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[Assistant] Alright, so now, the, the, finally, the, uh, the moment of truth here. This has been in the works for a while. We've had to reschedule, but now it's official. Uhm, I'm super excited to bring in a great comic, an LA native. Alright. Felipe Esparza. Hey.


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[Assistant] Uhm, it's pretty crazy dude, like, one of the things I respect the most about you is, I mean, you know, every comic obviously, respect, but, like, your ride has to be...


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[Assistant] It's like a, it's really a fairy tale. It's a miracle. You ever stop and go like, holy shit? Because like to go from, you're from Boyle Heights. Yes. Like for people that don't know, tell it like, tell them where Boyle Heights is.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hazard projects. Yeah. Um, I actually, if you see my special, uh, mostly stories, it opens with a sequence shot around LA and we went to the hazard projects non-permitted to shoot this part. Dude, these guys.


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[Assistant] Like, do you ever go like, ho-holy shit, how far you made it? I mean, it's amazing.


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[Assistant] Homeboy Industries was started as like an outreach program to give, you know, gang bangers and stuff, jobs.


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[Assistant] It's pretty wild, man, and you come from that, I mean, if I would've told Felipe at, you know, 13 that you'd have the life you have now, you'd probably be like, what the fuck?


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[Assistant] And you, uh, did, did, were you in the comedy when you were that age or no?


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[Assistant] I remember a chemistry class, we uhm, no one wanted anything to do with chemistry. No, I never even took it.


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[Assistant] He, he, he knew everybody was like, fuck your, your class. And he was like,


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[Assistant] I can make some shit explode, and we're like, alright, everybody's sat up, we're like, make some shit explode, man. And then they had the thing where like, if a chemical gets in your eye, there's an emergency, and it's like a hundred


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[Assistant] Now when you, you said uhm, like that when you first did stand up, you're like, dressed in this way, you're bald, you're just getting out of rehab. Is it, is doing stand up for the first time tied to you getting out of rehab? Was it like, you know what I mean, connected in some way?


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[Assistant] So you really, you really at that time though, you're like, I wanna be a stand-up. Yeaah. And that, that, that dream, like I know you said you first heard Delirious, but from then, did you get into stand-up a lot?


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[Assistant] Cops about, you know, uh, fights they've been in and how like a guy who's really amped up on PCP, they can have like 10 guys trying to take him down.


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[Assistant] He's a grown ass man. Go ahead. So am I asking him if he's gonna tell?


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[Assistant] Uhm, tomorrow you're hanging out at the house. Your wife has some things to take care of. She comes back home and she goes, what's up, babe? And you're like, ah, I gotta tell you something.


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[Assistant] While you were out today, uhm, Amazon dropped off a package and, you know, the box was all torn open and it was all broken. So I ended up killing the driver. Uhm, so anyway, he's in the trunk of my car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't turn on the Amazon delivery guy for nothing. The package was torn open. I got it. Everything was broken. So he's upset.


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[Assistant] First of all, I don't know that Felipe sides with you. He does. Felipe said that he thinks his wife would side with you.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but you're already a murder in, so. Now, uh, let's flip the scenario. You get home, you're like, hey, I got some pastries. And she's like, I gotta tell you something, Felipe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While you were out, uh, I killed the air conditioning guy. Do you, uh, do you call the authorities on her? It's your wife.


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[Assistant] I stuffed his body in the closet, so are you gonna help me get rid of this or what?


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[Assistant] He really is, he's thinking very real, I like it, he's actually putting thought into it.


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[Assistant] Oh, get the heads up. Oh. Smart. Then call the cops. Yeah.


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[Assistant] What would you do? And he'd be like, Felipe, uh, what are you asking me this for? I dunno, I'm just curious.


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[Assistant] A real, like a tried, through and through lawyer with experience would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so somebody messaged us, they said, I've been reflecting about your studies of gender transitions. I was especially intrigued a couple episodes ago when Ari was a guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina asked who would make the prettier woman between Ari and Tom, and then again on the episode with Christine Hazel Decker when Christina wondered if Tom would make a beautiful woman after transitioning. Attached is a graphic I created to help you better visualize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely some handsome ladies in this bunch. Uh, enjoy. Thanks for making me laugh, jeans. Chloe. Alright, here's what Chloe made up here.


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[Assistant] I mean Ari does kind of look like a woman. He does. Joey's terrified. Look at Burt. Burt looks just like a fat southern lady, right?


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[Assistant] No. The psychic, the psychic medium. Yeaah. Marshal something. Yeaah. Also kinda like the, what's the fat, racist,


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Your makeup, all your makeup's terrible. Ari is like made to be a woman. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is total single mom. You're a single mom, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, one of the, a friend of mine told me that he was hanging out at a club one, a comedy club. And place shut down, it was just like a green room hangout, and an orgy busted out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got paid. I left the show one time in Ontario.


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[Assistant] And the next day, the guys were like, why'd you leave last night? Man, shit got really crazy here last night. That's why I was emceeing. No, it was, the staff was like, yeah, I got, we had to, we had to forcibly ask people to leave because they were doing some not so legal things in our green room. I was like, oh shit. A couple of our friends were there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then you also, by the way, I didn't want to forget this, you're one of the few guys, I feel like there was like, I'm probably underscoring it, but you did last comic. Yeah. And, I don't know, I feel like there's probably five or six people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That show was actually designed for, in other words, good comic, gets great exposure, and then capitalizes on it. And you're one of those, like, five or six people. Cause a lot of people, in the, like, you know, in the execution of the show, you realize, you're like, oh, they weren't ready for this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Cool. Very good. Yeaah, that's a good line up. There's like, over the years, I mean, it always stood out to me, like, people who were ready for it. You know? Like, Ralphie was obviously somebody who was... Yeaah. That was perfect for Ralphie. Yeaah, perfect for him. Uh, Bowden was obviously really ready for it. Um, uh, you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what'd you keep of the 250? You kept like... Like a hundred and something? 90? It's all good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright man, well yeaah, but here's the thing though, for you that wasn't like the, that's what I'm saying, it wasn't like the one-off you want and then you're done, you were able to like, parlay it and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know all the words. Can I ask you this? If you were gonna do a half hour special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you do, uhm, would you work your act out in English and then just translate it? Yeah. That's how you do it. Yeah. I've thought about trying to do a set in Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm intimidated by it, I'll be honest. Cause I just feel like, it's not the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The language aspect of it, which I definitely would have to, you know, practice. But I always feel, I feel like, is the way that I do stand up so in tune with American culture, that it won't resonate. I never thought about that. You know, like then I'll say it and they'll be like, this is fucking weird Ben. Yea, I never thought about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta do it. Are you gonna do that? They asked me, uh, hey Susa asked me, uh, uh, what's his name? Francisco Ramos? Oh yeaah. They've told me that they both do like the all Spanish shows. I gotta try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think your style will actually is better for translating. Yes, because you have very clear cut set up joke, right? Where like I ramble and like my joke might be here in a three minute long thing. You might be able to pull off joke, joke, joke, joke, joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy, I forget his name. What's his name? He's been on forever that team. Yeah, he's been on like 8 years. Don Francisco. Don Francisco. Yeah. He's German. He's German, but raised in Chile. Yeah. And, by the way, that guy's worth like 400 million dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] References? He's also like, like what he's, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's filmed in Miami, I think, but he's Chilean, but it's like, it's so ingrained in, like, you know, in the now of what's funny. And also, you know, you can joke with expressions and terms that are kind of on the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, maybe a soccer star's wife that everybody knows in Mexico and like, uh, a politician. It's specific. His references you don't get. And it's also phrases that I'm like completely out of touch with, right? Like so, cause even the slang varies just like here and in, in, in Britain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The English slang varies, and you have to remember in Spanish, the slang varies from country to country, from Mexico to Guatemala to Colombia to Peru to Argentina. All the slang is different. Yeah, town to town, man. So I don't know. I, I watched, I've watched that guy for an hour before and picked up on like two jokes of a hundred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For comedy in English, which is to play everything smaller, right? And you let...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the first time I reacted, the guy's like, react bigger. He's like, you know, it's for Latinos, like, you have to- So, so then I did it, like, jokey. So they poured down, and then I went like, whee!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna put items hidden on her body inside her zip-up. And you put your hands on her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you guess what the item is. And they tell you ahead of time, we're going to swap her out and put a guy there. And that's the joke is that you think you're touching a girl. But again, they were like, but overplay it, overplay it. So like you put your hand in and I'm like, Oh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, and then of course when you find out, they don't want you to go,


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[Assistant] Somebody asked here, they said, uh, can Tom point out where this guy went wrong? What should he have done differently? How would Tom go about this? Let me show you what this is, Jean. Maybe you have an opinion on this too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have very strict guidelines for my drinks, you know, at coffee shops. This guy I think went


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. He just tapped it. I do that thing where they go like, uh, they're kind of dicks about it sometimes where you go, I always ask for extra ice in my ice coffee. So they'll either put five cubes in where I go, hey man, is this extra ice? And they're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Or the person goes, oh you want extra ice? Okay. And they pack it so full of ice that you can't put a straw in there. That's rude. So I have to actually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remove some- and they're like, I thought you wanted extra ice. I'm like, you know exactly what I'm fucking asking for. I'm asking for two scoops of ice. It's a little extra ice. Anyways, I could totally see you flipping out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they should, they should find that guy to give him whatever the highest award is you give to a citizen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, I'm just gonna show her one last thing and we'll get you out of here. I know you gotta go. Uhm, but uh, oh, oh, remind for this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He's great. He's so funny. Um, okay, so to set it up, just so you have reference for this, this is the guy. So the story is that a guy met a girl, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe the night before, okay, and the girl is like, I know, the girl is like 18, 19 in college, and this guy is obviously much older, and she wakes up to this video on her phone. This guy sent her this video the next day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somehow, probably everyone was drinking and then he fucking, instead of texting maybe like, nice meeting you, made a video. Like, where he like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So somebody said that, first of all, huge congrats on the new baby. My boyfriend and I are long time listeners living in San Diego. I was listening to your mom's house through the day. I almost spit out the water I was drinking when you started to play nothing other than Go T. Joe's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Full trottle monologue to Julia. A video during which Jujork Titties man- Full trottle, that's right he says that. Yeah, professes his love for his one and only Julia with multiple shots of his many ceiling fans in the background.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had this exact video saved and favorited in my phone for two years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That part doesn't really add up. Okay, so that's what somebody's saying. But anyways, here is the follow up video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We really are a lion, Dustin Strippers. That's it. No, we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's really, he's really, I mean, here's the thing, every guy knows, every guy has done a mini version of this. In other words, you say something that you're embarrassed by, you know, maybe you send a text, maybe it's something in person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the degree to which he went is, that's the part that's crazy. To go that deep on a video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On a video too. So you're like, oh I can watch this over and over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's delusional enough where if she goes, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, I just, um, I'm just, I don't want to date you. Nah, that won't compute. He'd be like, you know what? Doesn't matter who you're seeing right now. Yeah. Because the love that I have for you is unparalleled. Yeah. And she'd be like, no, I just don't want to see you. I'm so nervous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's real crazy. These guys don't take no. Look, we, uh, he's got, he's got to be somewhere. So let me, let me wrap this up. Uh, go see Felipe this weekend in, uh, Houston and Dallas. Uh, felipeworld.com for tickets. felipeworld.com for tickets. And he's got Tampa Improv coming up and you're also adding what other place you said?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Closing song is Come Dump and Try It Out by Sons of Dad Mouth. Alright guys, we'll see you next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you kidding me? I've been in therapy for 10 years and it's been the one thing that's helped me the most and I recommend it for everybody. I don't know how people go through life without seeing a therapist. It's the one investment you should make in yourself for your happiness for the rest of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best. You're happy. I've been really happy with it. Cause the thing is, people walk around with depression, anxiety, and there's no need to suffer. You can see somebody, you can talk to somebody in BetterHelp.com slash YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, why come, why come you not come into Canada? And you're like, I just told you why!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what are you suggesting people do? Read? Your calendar online? Perhaps?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, mommies. November 24th in Mandiego, California. My 7pm show is sold the fuck out. We've added a 10pm show. House of Brews? November 24th. That's after the holidays. Listen, your family's over. It's time to get the fuck out of the house. That's Saturday. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drag them to the show, bring them out or run away from your family and come see me do, uh, my brand new hour. It's not stuff. This, I have a Netflix special coming out in October. It's going to be different from that shit. You know what I'm saying? Never not grinding seven days a week, y'all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] December 7th, fill her up Delphia at the Punchline. Uh, that, that one's almost sold out. It looks like we're gonna be adding a 10pm show as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Judork Titties, December 8th, sold out 8pm show, added a 10.30 show at the Gramercy Theater in Judork Titties, tickets at Christina P. Online. You know what I'm saying? I'm writing, producing, directing, all that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Man, I'm so ready. This is such an exciting episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this guy. Change my diaper! Now, do you think he was wearing a diaper bef- like that's his thing? And he's like, god this is so tedious changing these diapers, I need, I need help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't, can't he just be like, look, I enjoy wearing a diaper. I want someone to change it. Do you think it's a fetish? Is that what this is? And sexual?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're, but they're real caregivers, like it's a manipulation. It's not cool. It's not nice. But. But he posed as somebody named Amy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Down there. There's always a pervy angle with dudes. Always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't manipulate you like you can manipulate me, right? Like if I don't give you what you want, you can forcibly hold me down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. What an example. Why does Louis CK jerk off in front of people? Do you know what I'm saying? It's a power thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like this guy was basically doing a Forrest Gump impression the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird. You mean this guy is just not a straight up needs a diaper change?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, after I delivered Julian... Mhm. You had a low IQ?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a such low IQ. This nice nurse washed my virgin for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did not like it up, but it was one of the most, uh, wonderful things. Once I got over the humiliation, the embarrassment of it, I was like, I could get used to this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't mind peeing in a diaper, but I think you're right. Browns are like, ew, then it mashes up against you and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, those caregivers are so vulnerable. Like these people are angels that do work like this. That show up at some strangers house. They're totally in the vulnerable position here. Like my goodness. This poor woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there needs to be outrage. We have to get that man fired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What show is it I wanted to watch with you last night and you said it wrong? I've been making funny all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's amazing. He does these other characters. For those of you who don't know who Sacha Baron Cohen is, he's the guy that did Ali G and Bruno. And Borat. And Borat and The Dictator. I mean, and then he's doing one on Who is America and he's got these great characters. One is a left wing NPR, ultra liberal. He's like, I'm a privileged white male.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he has like a big pot belly and he has a ponytail and he, you know, he goes around interviewing conservative people. It's just so, and then he's got like older conservative characters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well what's scary too is that he finds actual politicians and he fucks with them and you see how super R worded a lot of our representatives are in government. It's terrifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a, it's fantastic. Is it Showtime or HBO? Yeah, Showtime, Showtime. Man, that's Slash of Baron Cohen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's married to a funny lady too. What's her name? Is that Amy Adams? No, Isla Fisher. Isla Fisher, she's funny too. Yea, she is. I love when comedy people get married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do feel like he's been kind of written off in a way. That's what I'm saying. But his movies, don't they do well? Didn't the dictator do well? I don't know why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then he's like, here's a look at the future of what it's going to be like on your streets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's really interesting is they, revealing, uhm, just how racist Americans are against Middle Easterners and Muslims.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, have you been watching a new murder show, or as I like to say, studying for the future?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, does it say in the bible you can't curse? Does it say that shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, God never said, thou shalt not curse. That's not one of the commandments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a different time when we could record that.


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[Assistant] I kind of, can I tell you, because there is this misconception that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's silly that people who don't curse are better or more moral than people that do curse. It's just, it's nonsense. Your morality has nothing to do, right?


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[Assistant] Yeah. No, it's true. It is true. He's the biggest, uh, asshole of them all. For sure. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, look at, uh, David Tell. I'd say our-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But one of the nicest human beings alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm way nicer than you. I'm the nice champ.


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[Assistant] You're, but you're not, you're a little standoffish sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like the, I mean, yeaah, yeaah. I would say that you're like the decorum champ. Like you know how to act, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or sometimes I'll ask you, I'll ask you, like how do I act normal? Like what, what do normal, what would a normal person do here? But you've helped me. I was just telling somebody the other day, like you, you made me a normal human being. You, you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How am I damn glass as I forgot them? Okay, Tom is not write or die is the subject. Hi mommies. I was watching episode 465 and you were discussing whether Christina was a true write or die if she would turn Tom in for murder. I was later discussing this with my boyfriend and he brought up a very interesting point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is because Christina said she would only turn Tom in for a premeditated killing and in this scenario, Tom is the first one to betray the relationship loyalty because he did not disclose the planning of the murder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As we know from all of Tom's psycho murder shows, all premeditated killings involve a planning phase. Therefore, upon...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, planning to kill a barista that got his venti iced coffee extra iced with a splash of soy. Order wrong. Uh oh, this guy got it wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would tell Christina his plan if he was a true writer die. Therefore...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, Yana, is not a true ride or die, so Christina would not have to maintain her ride or die status after the murder and can turn him in.


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[Assistant] Crime of passion. Now, but I told you in that case, I might help you out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Correct. And I would take mercy on your soul and I would go, alright, let's figure this shit out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would probably still have to leave. Because if you're capable of that kind of crime of passion with a barista, I'm gonna be next. Or the children. So I'd help you get rid of the body and then I'd leave ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But premeditation, I'm calling cops 911 bro, you're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is a women's cut shirt and I'll describe it for those listeners who are not watching us on YouTube. It's got the letters F-G-T-R-T-D and what's that font called? Kind of a gothic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of rad, cholo type, and then it says for girls that ride till death under it with a chain. It's really cool. I like it, it's kind of goth and I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's your water? I'm just curious. Are you hydrating today, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've been drinking- Guys, watch these past episodes on YouTube. How many times do you ever see Tom drink?


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[Assistant] I'm gonna have Blue Band slice together how I've been drinking so much water in the last few episodes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By my bedside, how many bottles of water are there right now?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's true, you should start thinking about it, and kind of earlier in life, better earlier than later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. Hey, that looks really good on you. Thanks. You're Teddy Fresh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, did I, uh, did you read that thing that, um, Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street? Did you hear that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how he wrote for them. So unconsciously or whatever they are gay. Uhm, but if you see, Bert and Ernie, they sleep in the same room but in separate beds like a 1950s couple. Like Lucy and Ricky. Like they're kind of like a chaste gay couple. It's kind of cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I feel like, okay, so there's a Sesame Street book we have and they, they do shout outs to them being gay. I think, like for instance, there's like a panel we open and it's like Bert and Ernie in the closet, Bert and Ernie out of the closet. That one's the best one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the funniest. I mean, dude, they have to know that that's a nod to obviously them being gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I read that they gave them $25,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess it's advertising fees. I thought it was a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for those of you who don't remember, we featured, we showed the clip, uh, these Asian kids noticed that there were no portrayals of Asian people happily eating McDonald's food. At their local McDonald's. At their local one. So they took their own photos and they put it on a poster that looked identical to the other ones that McDonald's had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they just slipped it in there and they made a video they put on YouTube and McDonald's didn't notice for like weeks and weeks until it went viral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now they found out and they gave these kids 25 grand, which is awesome. That's a good move on their part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can watch it for like 5 minutes before you're thoroughly grossed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I don't know. I don't think it's an addiction so much as poor, poor manners. You don't watch porn on a plane. That's the problem here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's just human, humans have needs and masturbation is one of those needs, right? It's neither here nor there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's crybabying about that fucking nonsense.


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[Assistant] God, is there anything worse than getting one of those fucking pamphlets stuck in your, you know, your front yard somewhere in your door?


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[Assistant] Listen, on all the problems, do you think God's got time to worry about who's touching themselves?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these nuts busting everywhere and God's gotta worry about every jizz. Every piece of jizz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not interested in where, how you come. I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Better do fish on Fridays, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I get- and isn't it interesting too, like with homosexuality, that, uh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What were you gonna say? I feel so, yeah. The Greeks were the biggest butt fuckers and kid fuckers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They loved, they fucked everybody. And you know, the Christians came along and were like, no. But they, you know, they've been buttfucking for centuries, people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can say it both ways. No one knows how to say it, it's fine. No, you're not a dork. You tell me, it's Hila? Hila.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, I'm so excited to meet another couple in the comedy podcasting world, and you guys like each other? You love each other? Most days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, you guys got me thinking about it. Cause you're right, when it's the marker scenario, like, who's that lazy person that's like, I'm good, whatever, whatever happens today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what it was. Yeah, they sensed the resistance of the paper, how it moves. That's not accurate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you're telling me that you, when you have a marker kind of day, you don't have, you guys don't have the days yet? So what are you doing right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't get ideas. He doesn't, he's not, I have a feeling that Ethan's not as gross with you as Tom is with me. Am I, am I right? Do you guys, okay, okay, I'm gonna ask you this. Do you poop with the doors open or are we closed door family?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. Oh. Have you seen Tyra Banks do her walk? Oh sorry. So amazing. Have you seen her? Okay, on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I guess I like, I don't know that the state should sponsor it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What'd you get in that class? What was the grade? It was good, it was good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's when his career took off because, yeaah, Dunham's been around a minute. No, he was around for a long time and that puppet was what made him take off. It was when 9-11 happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were hustlin'. Hustlin'. We were hustlin'. Love it. You guys are such a great team, cause it's like the idea and then she would execute the idea in art school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Notice she's thinking about it. Right. Yeah. But I just wanna know. Think about Shredder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the caveat. If he accidentally kills somebody. Oops, I hit a bicyclist. Okay, I'm gonna dig the ditch. I'm the first one to find some chloroform. What is it? Chloroform?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, babe, okay, if I were to go to you and I'd be like, you know that fucking sales clerk down at the mall and send a bun, she's been fucking eyeballing me, giving me some shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but, but that's true. So the emotions of it are different if you look at it from Julie Chen Moonves. It's like, that's the guy you know, but is it? And what's true? What's not? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like Instagram. It's a window into how people want to be perceived. That's why I love it. It's psychologically very fascinating to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're right, it is not just him. However, if you look at his Netflix queue, it's exclusively three primary categories. Murder, Hitler, and drug lords. And there's very little else outside of those three points of interest, which is troubling to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so then, okay, so I try to go to, I pump at 10, I fall asleep, I have to set my alarm, I wake up at like 2, to pump at 2am, and then I wake up at 6am to breastfeed the kid again. So, I don't sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, and the first kid especially, I really hated him. Second baby, you're like, this is just how it goes. But then shit flips when that baby's a toddler, and now Ellis only wants da da, da da, da da. So I'm like, oh, now it's your turn to be like, the center. It's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, that's actually a talent, man. I mean, when you watch him, I pay money to watch him do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I like staying alive, because we even sent videos of people scatting and we're like, if you were to watch that as a show, which one would you go to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was dating a- Tom and I were just friends. And- From doing comedy? From doing stand-up, yea. And so, my ex-boyfriend had just passed the bar exam, and we were all going to the strip club across from him. We were doing stand-up. First we did dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. But at the time, so this guy, this ex-boyfriend of mine, I was actually on the outs with him. Which is why I would never get my fucking boyfriend on lap dance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, here's the deal, I was too into getting rid of the current boyfriend, like he and I were just kinda on the outs and I wasn't looking at dudes yet, so I was more of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I was talking to other male comics that I'm friends with, like it was Full Charge and Sickler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, I forget, Andrew Wontuck or something. And I was like, dude, which, like, who's the guy that picks out the strippers? And they all point to Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, really? It's a girl? It's a fucking dirt bag? How do you feel about that? You picked out the girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I liked you. I always liked you as a comedian. I thought you were very talented. Like Tom never sucked at stand up. He's a freakish people who like from the first time he did it was just amazing. And we were all open micers and I ran a show and I would have him close out every show. I just saw almost every show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, as far as the US, I do- I love LA. It's my home. I just don't like leaving my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See that kind of travel I like, I like beaches, I like relaxing places, good tastes, good smells, laying down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when people, like we have two children and they're young so we're pretty much house bound and sometimes you feel trapped and you're like I wanna go somewhere. But you're like where am I gonna go? We never did anything before we had kids. Now we're just home doing our kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a lot of fan artwork, we have some that hangs. You guys have great fans. So I guess it's like the Woody Allen case in a way. Right, Sunyi was his stepdaughter and. Except she did grow up with him, right? Yeaah. Well. It's cray cray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you one time, my stepdad and I went to kiss, like over Christmas, I was like 19, and like he turned his head as I went to kiss him, and I accidentally like kissed him on the mouth. You know when you're like, it's so fucked up. Unless you mouth, do you mouth kiss your parents normally? Fuck no! That's the weirdest shit!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just did clips mostly, you know, this weekend was sort of uneventful, like, I took a massive shit this morning, and I feel like you weren't responsive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, we're on a, I'm on this paleo diet to lose baby weight and the browns have just been unbelievable. Good quality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show him the king, the king. That was the gnarliest fart I've ever heard in my life. Hey, have you guys heard of, uh, a guy named King Assripper? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you guys are in the YouTube community, I feel like. Cause I, I've just, listen to your podcast and you'll be like, there's like rivalries and stuff between people I've never heard of. You're like, this guy's whatever, brief with that dude and that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, even we had dinner the other night and you guys were explaining why people want to watch other people play video games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the most popular type of video? Like do you, do you, are you able to gauge what the audience wants? You know what I'm saying? Like what's the most popular thing?


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[Assistant] I know, especially on, you guys put up with a different kind of, look, stand up comedians deal with hate and, uh, people not liking what you do, but I feel like in the YouTube community, man, that hate just seems real fucking immediate and direct and like, it's intense, right? Yeah, I guess. YouTube comments are just brutal.


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[Assistant] You're right, the way that it's designed is supposed to heap on...


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[Assistant] It's just what's popular, right? Like it's a popularity contest in a way, even if it's negative popularity.


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[Assistant] And plus you guys are so kind of like newer, right? You've been doing it for three years, right? Total?


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[Assistant] Oh, I was gonna tell you, if you are bummed out, don't go read your comments.


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[Assistant] Uhm, cause I remember when I would be depressed and sometimes I would go...


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[Assistant] You're like, well, either you're gonna make yourself feel worse by looking at Twitter or looking at the YouTube comments, or you're trying to look for a boost, right? So either you're fucked either way, because then you're like, there's five good things and then one person fucking hates your guts. So I learned in therapy when you're feeling depressed, do not look at shit that will potentially make you feel worse.


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[Assistant] We are so talented. Remember that horse shit? There's so much talent in this house.


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[Assistant] What? I didn't know that. I didn't know that either. Yeah, it's in other songs too.


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[Assistant] Really? Yes. Lil' Troy talks about mutton girls.


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[Assistant] Wow. Yeah. So you can't, you can't mutt a woman without the whole damn crew.


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[Assistant] It's been way, it went by way faster than I thought it would go.


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[Assistant] You took the leap. A lot of people don't take the leap. You took the leap. Yea, it's been a lot of back and forth, ups and downs, you know? That's how it's supposed to be. The whole roller coaster. I'm not mutton.


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[Assistant] What's up with that sex life? Are you getting your stick wet? Not in LA. No? Not yet. If any 7th floor crew ladies are out there, what's up? I live on the first floor. I live on the first floor.


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[Assistant] Well, I don't want people to think if they send me nudes that I'm going to expose them. No, of course not. No, I don't mean that. So you can send me nudes and you'll have full...


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[Assistant] You know, discrepancy. And confidentiality. Confidentiality, that's the word I was looking for. That's right. Yeah, and I don't send dick pics. That's nasty. Why you buy, I don't know. I do if I get requested them, but you have to send five first, five nudes first.


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[Assistant] I mean I go, it's so weird when you're alone in a place. I don't have, like I don't put off good vibes being alone in a bar.


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[Assistant] So it's really difficult to, you know, like who's coming up to me? So when you're in a city all alone, it gets weird. I don't know, it's not easy.


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[Assistant] Exactly. Clubs are insurmountably easier to meet people because you're there for days.


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[Assistant] I wish. I mean, it's not for lack of effort, uh, I just have it. There are times, I mean, don't get me wrong, the only time I've ever gotten laid


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[Assistant] Uhm, no it was, I had to lay the groundwork like I always do. They probably had to see multiple sets.


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[Assistant] No, I'm saying, and then you blow them away. Is that, you read that? It depends. I mean, if you meet someone before they have preconceived notions about you, and then if you have a set where you're talking about wild shit, they're like, uuuh, you know, they might get kind of freaked out by...


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[Assistant] Yes, and then they come up to you afterwards and they're like, you're really funny and stuff.


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[Assistant] Yes, and then I'm usually the guy that has to play the defense for those friends, you know? He picks the target, and then I'm the one who's like, taking out the bogies, you know?


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[Assistant] That feels like it's a skill though in and of itself, right? I guess so, I mean. You just have to distract them. You really just have to lower your own standards for yourself. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] And, not in terms of like how they are, just like in terms of like not having any sort of preconceived things going in, you know?


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[Assistant] You would have a wife number two as opposed to just having hoes in different area coats? Well, I mean, it would be Smash City for a run.


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[Assistant] Is that a sticking point by the way? Don't you fucking dare. What's that? You, you want it and you won't give? It's, it's constant. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Wow, this animal is like- That's, I mean that's true actually, that's a good point. It's gotta be tough, you're his wife.


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[Assistant] But would you be deterred if you hadn't had that? Like, wouldn't you still not do it?


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[Assistant] Yeah. And I thought why not start with something I'm very well versed in. Mhm. Pornography. Okay.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, maybe you don't remember this because you're married now. You gotta do all your business calls, but most of the day I am.


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[Assistant] Right, exactly. And all these sites, they put them there for you. Like I said, they're like Target. You go in, get in what you need, and you come out with a whole bunch of other shit that you didn't even know existed.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well this one is, uh, pretty self-explanatory.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I don't understand why every girl doesn't have an Instagram account for their feet, by the way. That's something that-


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[Assistant] You gotta really jump to peeing in the diaper account. Yeaah, that's more than feed. I mean, hey, if you can do it, do it, but...


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[Assistant] That's okay. Okay. There's probably a reason for that.


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[Assistant] Now, my favorite thing by the way. This is a genre.


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[Assistant] It's a genre. There are two facets of it.


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[Assistant] There are the women who enjoy saying it, and then there are the men who enjoy getting the women to say it. Oh.


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[Assistant] So there's basically the reluctant woman. Yes, this woman. That's why she's like, I have a funny question. Oh, right.


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[Assistant] So what category is she? She's the one who loves them and loves saying it. That's what turns her on, is saying that word. That's what we've done to the word.


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[Assistant] Well, that's, this one was pretty rough according to him, uh, so, uhm.


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[Assistant] You know, there are angels in this world who go home to home. They're caretakers. They take care of people who are in need. This gentleman takes it to another level. As you can see, he's servicing a woman who is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, clearly disabled. Very disabled. Extraordinarily disabled, I would say.


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[Assistant] And, uh, he is just, I mean, if you got to see this video, you wouldn't know, it would be like he was servicing a supermodel the way he is, his vim and vigor.


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[Assistant] You know? Yeaah. So he really gets in there. Yes. Which is just pure, I mean, his heart must be so big. Right. I wish we had some audio for this, so is it? Uhm.


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[Assistant] It is some wild apparatus that is difficult to understand how it exactly operates being a layman. And she's incapable of movement? Incapable of her lower body movement, yea. Wow.


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[Assistant] He didn't put anything in here. This is all that we could clear. Okay. That's all he cleared. He told me it's a bit rough.


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[Assistant] I mean, people, there are so many different varieties of disabled porn. Really? There are people with limbs missing, things like that. The ones with the limbs missing, I think they really found their lane. Because a lot of them use tools that they then screw on to their


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[Assistant] But yea, there are all sorts, and I think those people, if you have a fetish for disabled people, you shouldn't be looked at as a monster, you should be looked at as a hero. Cause who else is sexing those people up, right? I don't think I have the boner stamina.


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[Assistant] To, uh, maintain something like that. Not like that superhero that we just saw. That guy was real. Full bore. Yeah, he was. God bless him.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I really don't know. I haven't been put into that scenario. I wonder if women feel that way when they sleep with me. They're like, oh, he's a blind man.


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[Assistant] We're sleeping with a blind boy. Yeah, for people who don't know, Josh has very poor vision. Yes, I'm sure they can see. Well, I don't know. You can't hear that I'm blind, but yes, no, uh, I always wondered that if the women feel like they're doing a service when they sleep with me. Does it bother you? No, whatever they need to get.


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[Assistant] So I thought that one was gonna be last to be honest with you.


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[Assistant] Their dad clearly didn't love N-words, I think.


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[Assistant] Cause like I said, some of it is, cause obviously this is a white woman, some of it is the African American gentleman telling her, I want you to say that. Oh, right, right. And then, but, my favorite is when she is like- Out of nowhere. Out of nowhere like,