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[Assistant] Liquid ivy products taste great with 10 refreshing flavors like


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[Assistant] Wake up in the morning, tear it open and you start your day feeling hydrated, feeling refreshed.


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[Assistant] That's 25% off anything you order when you shop better hydration today using promo code YMH at LiquidIV.com.


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[Assistant] Our guest is a brilliant, fantastic, hilarious, prolific writer, creator, and producer. His show Sprung comes out on Amazon freebie beginning August 14th. 19th. Why the fuck would you put 14th in the copy then? My bad. Sorry about that. Zolo? Greg Garcia.


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[Assistant] Well, I would say non-Jewish. There's a lot of really funny Jews. But in Hollywood, you know, we were lucky enough to meet you. First of all, for people who don't know, you created My Name is Earl.


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[Assistant] And that was a hit, huge show, so I think when you are


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[Assistant] Out here and you're, you know, trying to make it and you see somebody's name.


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[Assistant] And you're with a real actor and they're like, and action. You watch them, you're like, holy shit. Like that is, they're like.


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[Assistant] But there's listen, I mean, my first job.


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[Assistant] My very first thing I did when I got to LA was I worked for Copelson Entertainment, which was a huge like movie production house. And uhm, like big producers they made, you know, The Fugitive, Murder at 1600, uhm, all these like big thrillers. And I would do, uh, script coverage.


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[Assistant] And basically you would just sit there every day, read scripts, do a full synopsis, do an outline, explain what's good about it. So you just get so conditioned to that most writing is shit. Most writing is shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and you're also good at like why a story, why a story doesn't work, you know, like what it needs. And just so people understand the, like, I think they should get the full story, uh, we got together.


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[Assistant] Here's the good news. Uh, we worked together. We got to the point where


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[Assistant] A whole group of people were real excited to do it. Um, some mega huge names in our business and networks were like. Two networks were going against each other. We want to make this. We want to pay you guys.


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[Assistant] More than most people make in a year. We want to give you that weekly. And uhm, we said no and then it went away.


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[Assistant] And when he said this is my wife, I was like, holy shit.


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[Assistant] Well, and to make it real clear to people, it's that at the time, nobody


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[Assistant] Yeah, just show up. Like, who's gonna do the fucking work? Right, and then, like, then they bring in, like, uh, some, some other mega producers, let's say. Yeah, good guys. Good guys. And then they were like, we'll just watch him watch you. Yeah, yeah, we're gonna be way back here.


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[Assistant] Getting calls where they're like, Tom, you know, just so you know, you'll probably be in a room for like eight months. I go, this was not part of the equation. No.


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[Assistant] And episode one, I think it's a good selling point for this audience, has a familiar actor to them.


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[Assistant] Wednesdays I swim, I swim Wednesdays to Jitsu Thursday. And you're like, wow, you're a really active guy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that sounds, that is a conversation that's happened in his real life for sure. Absolutely, I mean he just-


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[Assistant] Dude, he did one, I did the same thing as you one time where he goes, eat this. And I'm like, no fucking way. Right. And it's one of his stars of death.


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[Assistant] So he cuts the corner off of it. Eat that. And I'm like, alright. I thought I was, I mean, I was like, this isn't enough to do anything.


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[Assistant] Well, he then starts doing one of his like, just joey thoughts, like stream of consciousness things where he's like, San Francisco, 84, I robbed this Chinese lady, right?


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[Assistant] This monologue, just this rapid fire monologue of like crimes and robberies and sex and drugs and all this stuff.


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[Assistant] Nothing like that. I start talking and then I look up and he's like this.


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[Assistant] Cause he's so high. Cause when he stopped talking is when he feels how high he is. You know what I mean? Cause he's like on, he's on like a thousand.


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[Assistant] Tolerance. I mean, you know, I've told so many stories about how high he gets, but the craziest thing is that I saw him one time


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[Assistant] I believe, uh, I think Brazzy, you're older.


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[Assistant] I think you, uhm, there's, either that's a big deterrent or for some, cause I know another guy who actually works in comedy too, not a comedian.


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[Assistant] I go, the thing that I hate though is that I get real anxiety. I mean like genuine panic. And he goes, I do too.


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[Assistant] They said that those guys though are like chill with, they're not panicked doing that. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] And I remember that at that party, you know, somebody goes, fuck. Right after that. And I go, I go what? Oh yea, full chart. He goes.


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[Assistant] I did shots, I did shots a couple weeks ago somewhere like on tour and it was like, I didn't do a lot, but I remember when somebody goes, have another one, I was like, no, that first one, cause we had been having regular drinks, like that first one just took me over the, like if I have that one, it's going to be puking, like I don't want it anymore.


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[Assistant] Your, uh, your, your judgment changes completely, you know, impairment. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this is somebody who may have had a drink or two. Uh, they decided to get that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've been wanting to do my knuckles for years, just couldn't decide what to do, only fitting I pay respect to the Maine two mommies. And then he got a tattooed FGT RTD, um, on his, uh, on his knuckles. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I would love to be there. I'd love there to be like a super cut of every time someone's like, what's that? Like, what is that? What's that stand for? What's the


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[Assistant] Look what he did to me. Look what he did to me. Yeah. Yeah, dude. That's a good one. Oh, fuck. Yeah. That's a really good one. To call somebody out for life. For life homie. Yeah, on your arm.


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[Assistant] You have, I want to point this out, you have always emphasized the importance. You've made it, I actually notice it in a non-sexual way, the importance of bras. Oh my gosh, yeaah. Like every time we're out, she's been like, she's like, this person's not wearing a supportive bra. Look at it, and I notice it now. And I think what a lot of women need is like,


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[Assistant] It's also just, I think the kind of person that most women want to buy a bra from.


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[Assistant] You see him when you walk into Mr. Broad.com. This fucking dude. Yeah. No, not voluntarily. She's not there. No.


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[Assistant] Just to, like, it's the inexpensive way to protect that paint. Cause that's where things are gonna hit the car first. It's the same as having like plastic on your car.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. I just, like you said, I just live.


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[Assistant] They get real rough with me. Kick, punch. Oh man, slap. The worst is that laying on a couch and you're just, I'm just relaxing on this couch. And then all of a sudden I feel like somebody dropped a safe on me and it's that they,


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[Assistant] He's like, sorry dad, sorry, sorry. I'm like, it's like the 10th time, man. Give my back a break, dude.


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[Assistant] Except that like, you realize- I loved it. Oh, you did love it? Yeah. You got years of this ahead of you, man.


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[Assistant] Six. Six or seven. Then when they're like eighteen, you're like, you're a man now, and it's good to see you again, son.


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[Assistant] Yeah, animal cruelty. I mean, that is an animal cruelty. That seems so excessive. It seems like if you tell the story of like, this thing's coming at me.


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[Assistant] And then we'll just disappear. And they'll be like, we are on board with this. And we're like, great, we just got an offer today, but we gotta go.


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[Assistant] Well, yeah, one of the guys was like, he goes, I go, yeah, you know, I just don't like this, this and this about it. And he goes, yeah, sometimes it's just how it goes. I'm like, no, it's not.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's uh, that's the- God. That is exactly how Hollywood works. Yeah, we'll get two people in a room and- Just let them get in the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] That one sucks. A lot of times when they go, this person said that they would absolutely just die to be on. I go, all right, well, I mean, that sounds like it's like, it'll be fun. And then they get here and they're like, what's up with the clips? And you're like, wow. Why is this guy farting?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Or the other one is, uh, I had a meeting set with someone who the agent was like, we want you to meet with this person. And I go, why? And they're like,


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[Assistant] Well, and they brought about like some similar...


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[Assistant] Background things almost, like, you know, Garcia, he's...


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[Assistant] That's a Spanish last name. You have a Spanish last name. And I was like, that's why we're meeting.


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[Assistant] And then they were like, no, I think it'll be good. And I go, okay. And then I got on the meeting with this person. It was a zoom meeting and he was like, so you wanted to meet? And I was like, yeah, we have similar last names. Yeah.


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[Assistant] What we had for lunch and I was like, you seem like a nice guy. I don't know what the fuck.


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[Assistant] Totally, absolutely. And personally, if it's like somebody that I know.


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[Assistant] The most, the most fun is like, like no offense to your friend Tim, but like that I get to hang out with my friends.


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[Assistant] And we had this great hang backstage. And the funny thing is that like we were taking photos. I remember this moment. Sean, who's a photographer everywhere. He's like, all right, to get this photo though, I actually need this light to be here. He goes, uh, Hey Greg.


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[Assistant] So Greg, the, the show writer, producer, creator, he's like, hold this. So Greg's like our grip. Yeah, I'm holding a light.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'll tell you why. Oh by the way, so what do you guys think of this?


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I mean this is a person who wakes up, kale shake, jog, you know. Meditation. Meditation. And we've got to.


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[Assistant] One good. Uh, you can airdrop that. Oh shit.


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[Assistant] I didn't know you might be like, hey, check out this guy. And then I know that she'd be like, the guy's a drunk. Oh, people thought I was a lunatic.


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[Assistant] I think almost every cruise offers that and some place to worship as well. Oh wow. I didn't see that.


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[Assistant] I think I'm done. My parents loved that shit so much. I mean, so much.


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[Assistant] Don't you want to just like travel somewhere awesome and spend time there? No. Just wanna, you know, it's nice. It's all in one place. Yeah, my parents have been on a trip.


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[Assistant] You have to prove your net worth. Nice. What do you have? What? You have to have a net worth of five million. Like, so they make you prove that, then purchase.


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[Assistant] Wow, cost from 825,000 to 7.3 million. Then add another 10%. That's a big spread.


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[Assistant] Like what, like I wonder what the difference is. For annual maintenance fees are not, oh my god. These are like super primo apartments, huh?


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[Assistant] It's kind of a cool con- I like the concept. I've never heard the- you know what I mean? Like, of- Oh yeah, it's- I mean like if you have-


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[Assistant] You gotta want to think about which line you just go like, oh, it's this one. I have my place on there.


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[Assistant] That's a lot of money. And you have to like, like you said, have a lot of money. Also really love this to invest in that. Like you really got to love that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we really should start doing that. Honestly. I mean, if you're talking about like what is projected for human living next, whatever, a few hundred or even a thousand years, it's like,


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[Assistant] Look, this many billions of people have already lived and died and we keep burying them, taking up spaces. It's like, let's start shoving them into the water. Yeah, and they'll give back.


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[Assistant] Not bad. I would actually, I wouldn't mind it before I check out. Like a little, like as you go, like it's really going to get painful now and be like, take me to the shark tank.


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[Assistant] I wouldn't mind doing no seatbelt, just into a wall, you know?


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[Assistant] I think my mom's gonna outlive everybody. I think so too.


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[Assistant] No, you know, she has, and she has that thing too where like, you know, those people who everyone is like, take better care of yourself, all this self maintenance stuff and you know, it's going to help. And then she's one of those anomalies where it's just like, I do no self care. And then you go for a physical and she's going to be 78 soon. And then she's like.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they were like, wow, everything's great.


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[Assistant] It is, it is a roll of dice. It really is. You just don't know. Man, look at us. We got huge dicks. That wasn't our choice, you know?


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[Assistant] Throw away, throw away, throw away.


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[Assistant] I'm coming to get that booty. That's all fire. Fire. I'm coming at your fatty.


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[Assistant] How you doing man? I'm thrilled to be here. It's good to see you guys.


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[Assistant] Look, we had a good time, but I felt the same way because like I love stand-up so much. Like stand-up to me is like the top of the showbiz ladder to me. Because I think writing is like super hard.


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[Assistant] Which I thought was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. I loved it. Because, you know, when they first called me, they were like, hey, do you want to meet with Tom and Christina about this idea? And I don't normally like do that stuff because I just like doing my own ideas, but I knew who you guys were. I was a fan and I was like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, have them come over to the house and we'll have a meeting and worst case scenario, we'll just become friends, which would be fine with me. I like them a lot.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was just gonna have him, cause I figured you didn't know what I looked like, so I figured I'd have him. He couldn't, there's no way he could pull it off.


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[Assistant] And because I had, I had this show that's, that, the one that's coming out, I was trying to sell that.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, so this is about a bunch of convicts who get out of prison because of COVID.


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[Assistant] Didn't take that long. I'd say like when I have an idea and I know what it is, it'll take me like a week, two weeks to kind of like get it, a shit version of it and then I'll give it to my friends and then they'll like tell me what sucks and give me some ideas and then I'll mess with it a little bit more. So we went to sell it all around town, uhm, but no, everybody was like,


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[Assistant] Guy, this is a pandemic comedy. Like we don't know how this thing ends. Like we're just starting this thing. Everybody in the world could die. We're not. You'd be like, yeah, but they're prisoners. They don't care if they die. Yeah, exactly. Right. They're disposable.


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[Assistant] I'm hoping to go to space. I mean, come on. Uh, but no, he doesn't. Um, but, uh, but so they, they were all about it. And so then at that point they go, all right, we'll write like,


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[Assistant] Three more scripts, and then if we like it, we'll commit to shoot it. Cause I didn't want to shoot a pilot, I just was like, either we do it or we don't do it, whatever. And uhm,


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[Assistant] So then I wrote like two more scripts and I was like, you just tell me if you like it at this point. And they liked it, so then we do it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Joey Diaz. Joey's in two episodes. He was, you know, he was in New Jersey. He wasn't doing much. And I was like, you know, he, I'd worked with him a lot in the past. I love Joey. Um, actually just spoke with him. I do karate's Tuesday.


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[Assistant] So it was fun. So they, they all came down at the same time and it's always fun to see Joey. Yeah. I think in the pile, he's just sitting on a toilet talking about how to commit the perfect, uh, perfect crime.


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[Assistant] Absolutely, I mean, he just slipped right into it, for sure. I just love him because like, he was like wearing a ring and I watched like, the wardrobe person come over and be like, uh, uh, we need you to take off the ring. He wears a ring.


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[Assistant] And then they look at me, I go, he fucking wears a ring. Yea, yea. He wears a ring. Definitely wears a ring. Yea, we're not, we're not messing with Joey.


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[Assistant] And so I, I, I took like a little, you know, little hit off something. Oh no. And then I was like, all right. And then I was like zonked out and then we talked for like an hour and like Joey does a lot of the talking and then Josh and him had like all these backstories and so they talk and I jump in once in a while and.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like if you want to relax at the end of the day, that's nice, but like why would you want to get yourself so crazy?


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[Assistant] I think I was one of the first people in like my like friends, like in the twenties and stuff that like would be the first to be like, hey, take a shot. And I'd be like, no. And they'd be like pussy. And I'm like, yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. That's fine. Sure. I'm the pussy. That's fine. I'm gonna feel great tomorrow.


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[Assistant] I don't drink that much, but when I do drink, I'll like, I'll tell you, I went out to dinner with this guy I hadn't seen in like 20 years, and it was him and his


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[Assistant] Uh, fiance, this guy he met in Tijuana who was like half his age and we went to dinner with them and I had like a drink at dinner and I agreed to officiate their wedding and we ended up doing it in my backyard. That day?


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. And I pronounce them, this is not a lie, I pronounce them Mr. and Mr. Fister. That's their name.


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[Assistant] That's their name. That's a great name. It was a lovely ceremony, and I'm glad I did it, but had I not had that drink.


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[Assistant] I saw a guy at the Albertsons yesterday, old man, he was, he had a walker, and he was with his wife, and she was doing most of the moving around and shopping and stuff, and he had a mask, but he had it real thin just on his nose, like it was like really weird, and on his arm,


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[Assistant] I think it was a Sharpie, but it might've been a tattoo and in block letters it just said like, Phil Stevenson is a dick.


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[Assistant] He was head of the motorcycle gang. Yea, you talking about Phil Stevenson? Yea.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, just live and then you'll, I mean you knew when you had kids they were gonna fuck everything up. They fuck everything up. They're wild, right? They're fun. Yeaah. Beyond. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Beyond. Wild. I'm so past all that now. All of them are gone. Even like the high schooler ones at this cool boarding school. Out hippie boarding school that he loves. So yeaah, we're empty nesters.


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[Assistant] I guess it depends on the kids, right? But like, I mean, yours are how old right now? Four and six. Okay. So yeah, you're at that age and it's just like craziness.


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[Assistant] One of my favorite stories when they were really little is one of them came up to me and he's just like,


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[Assistant] It hurts. Oh no. I'm like, oh. I'm like, what do you want me to look at it or something? And he's like, yeah, can you look at it? I'm like, alright. So then like he pulls his pants down and he spreads his little ass cheeks there and I gotta like get down and look, you know, and I'm like looking, I'm like, what?


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[Assistant] I take, I go, buddy, there's a sticker of a butterfly.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, I was working so mu- I was working, I was doing these single camera shows and I was working like 14 hours a day and it was like, it was nuts, you know? And so, but that's just, that was the deal. That was the deal with us, you know? All good. Kind of knew that going in. She did a good job though. She did. Your kids sound awesome. Kids are pretty good, yeah. Yeah, that's awesome.


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[Assistant] You know the other night it was like 7.30 at night and we were playing gin and listening to classical music and eating hard candy and I'm like, we're like 80 years old right now.


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[Assistant] And that kind of stuff and, uh, but, uh, it's, it's different. It's an adjustment and it's adjustment. Like my wife, like you raised three kids. That was your life for 24 years. So there's like, what is she, you know, what is she, what is she going to do? You know, what does she want to do now? And she's like volunteering and stuff, but.


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[Assistant] Uh, it is weird, and it's weird that it happened before we thought it would happen. And it's funny, I tell my friends, I'm like, oh yea, my son's going to boarding school, and they're like, oh shit, what happened there, you know? And I know no matter what I say, they walk away and go, that kid's on heroin or something. But he's just this like, outdoor hippie, like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's in California. It's close enough. We visit him and stuff and, and, and he just loves it. Like he was at this, he was at this, this private school where it's like an LA private school. And like, he likes basketball, but he's not fantastic. I mean, look at what he comes from. He's not going to be great at basketball, right? But like, he loves it.


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[Assistant] This school he's at, it's like LeBron James' kid is there, and it's just like it's a basketball factory, and there's no way he could ever play, and he goes to this...


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[Assistant] They went undefeated because they play these other teams of these other schools and they're having a blast and the sportsmanship, like other people are like, they're tying the other team shoes in the middle of a play, you know, but they're having a blast and it's this cool school. You can bring a.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, and he's there like six weeks, then he comes home for a week, and he doesn't have anything to do then, and we go visit him all the time. Yeah. Like we go up on the weekends and take him to dinner and stuff, so we still see him a lot. That's cool. That's cool. But, uh, but yeah, he was the, and also when he left, we were like, oh man, he's kind of fun to hang with. Yeah. This is a bummer.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if you give my wife another like year, I think she might take your kids for you. She could take them. She did a good job.


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[Assistant] There you go. I think this guy has a really good point. He has a good point. And roosters are mean sons of bitches too. Like my, my father-in-law has chickens and a rooster and anytime he goes in that thing, that rooster just attacks the hell out of him. And he just kicks it, he kicks it, crops the thing because like it's coming after him.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we'll take meetings. We'll get some high level people involved. Maybe like, uh, Brian Grazier or whatever. Ron Howard. Ron Howard. We'll get them involved.


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[Assistant] My favorite part of that whole story, by the way, was when it was all falling apart and then you called somebody and then they called me and they go, I think we talked everybody off a ledge. Everything's gonna be fine. And then you called me and said, yeah, we're firing those people.


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[Assistant] But they, but everybody, when they try to put that stuff together, like they just do whatever they can to keep it together.


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[Assistant] They'll say whatever they can. One time I ended up in a meeting with Billy Baldwin, I think to play My Name is Earl, to play Earl, My Name is Earl.


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[Assistant] And they were like, he just read the script and he loves it. He loves it so much. He wants to do it. He just wants to have a meeting to, to, to convince you. And I'm like, I don't know if he's really the guy for this. I like him, but like.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if he wants to have a meeting that bad. So then he shows up and he's like sits down and goes, so I don't know. I don't think I'm the guy for this, but they tell me you really want me and you want to convince me. But I'm like, nah, dude, that's what they told me. And we were just like started laughing about like these motherfuckers.


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[Assistant] When we first met we talked about how like we both, like I have this Madrid Spain background and stuff and Christina noted that we kind of looked...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a fun show. I hadn't ever seen you live before. Yea, that's right. Yea. Let me ask you this question though, because like, this is the kind of shit that goes through my head sometimes. I get a little crazy. So like, I see like, oh, you're gonna be in Oxnard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, all right, I don't live far from Oxnard and I'd like to see him and, and like, I'm sure in LA people like are asking for tickets, whatever. So I'll just, I'll go see him in Oxnard. And I was going to bring my buddy, Tim, who lives around there too, but he was out of town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, alright, well I can bring my wife, but I kinda wanna, I haven't seen Tom, I wanna like hang out beforehand, I don't know if it's gonna be weird. So I was like, I'll just go alone. But then I'm driving up to the show and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know so much about this. I wanna know, I wanna know where that, where the toes are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such a clean, it looks like a diff, like it's, it's not a human.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see like that's what I would think frostbite, yeah, cause they turn black or you lose a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And from the look of everything else, it looks like they're fairly athletic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A Wendy's or something. Like you have to be confident that you're gonna make a mess if you take your pants off and you don't even hang them up on that little hook that's in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you might just be like, fuck it, I don't have toes. What's the point?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause if you bring your own hose too, that's a lot of cleanup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't wear flip flops, I know that. That's out. That's out. 100%. Uhm, did- were there any shoes on the ground?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could see him doing it. When he died I bought all his stationery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, his, all his stationery. So I have all his stationery and then I send letters to people from Deborah Reynolds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just says Burt Reynolds at the top. I have a couple different styles and then the letter like envelopes that say Burt Reynolds on the back and then a couple like little just like note cards with his face on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that. Yeah, it's great. Or I'll send like letters, like just him checking in from heaven, but as he talks about heaven, he just talks about how hot it is and his roommate, the serial killer is always talking and Hitler is a pain in the ass, but he just, he thinks he's in heaven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I just have those goofy old cars, yea. Like a Pacer and like yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, it says the hidden hillbillies. Everybody in that neighborhood has little signs that they put up. Oh, I didn't know that, but I just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I take pride in like figuring out like, alright, how can I make this situation a little bit more fun? How can we have more fun with this? What can be goofy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like just as a kick like last two weeks ago, I wasn't doing anything and Jimmy Buffett has this cruise. Margaritaville at sea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I actually have a video of me on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went on it two weeks ago. You went on- how long was the cruise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. Alright, well it's texting right now. It's almost done. It's done. To me? No, to him. Oh, okay, okay. The number I texted when I got here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, so here's the deal. So I wrote, uh, uh, That's right! Yeaah. I wrote a musical for Jimmy Buffett.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Escape from Margaritaville. I get a call one day from my buddy Michael Mellon, he goes, do you want to write a Broadway musical? And I was like, what are you fucking talking about? Like, I don't even like musicals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he does a lot, yeaah, he does a lot of playwriting and stuff. Yeaah, he's a talented dude. And so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, look, it's Jimmy Buffett's music, they have all the money, we can make a mint, and we just have to write, we just have to come up with a script that organically has his songs in it. Like, we're gonna make up our own story, comedy, and we get to his songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, all right, I know a lot of people that love Jimmy Buffett and my wife likes him and like, I'm like, yeah, it could be cool. And same thing, like, all right, I'll hang out with Jimmy Buffett, you know, why not? And we actually went out and met him one night and I ended up in a headlock. He had me in a headlock and he was like, we're pirates, Greg, we're pirates. And I'm like, all right, we'll do this. Like it'll be a couple months, five years later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like billionaires of like frozen shrimp, like a wife of a frozen shrimp tycoon and whatever. And like, they're giving you notes on comedy and you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, and then there's like a director who's like, five years I never saw him laugh, and it was, but Buffett was great, he was fun, he was, he was, he was, he's Jimmy Buffett, he's expec- you know, he's what you think he would be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just a chill, fun dude and why wouldn't you be? You're in your 70s, you just kick off your shoes and you play concerts to people and everything and you just, yeaah, he's a chill guy. Like one day I went


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was going out and we were having margaritas on national margarita day. We were meeting him for like drinks in like Beverly Hills somewhere. And my wife was like, I want to have a drink, margarita will. And I'm like, well, write a musical. I don't know what to tell you. That's how you get in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, so they, so we did this thing and now he has the Margaritaville at sea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they had said something to me like, hey, will you write a version of the musical to do a show on the ship? And I was like, yeah, I'll do that, whatever. And then they were like, eh, we can't do it. We can't do it. We don't have time. And so then I saw that he and another guy wrote a show on the ship. And I'm like, okay, good for them. They just did their own show. That's fine. But then somebody sent me a clip and I was like, that looks like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just called my sister. She's in Virginia. I'm like, Hey, you want to go on the Margaritaville cruise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next Wednesday, she's like, I'm in. And so we went, so we went down to West Palm beach. You leave at like five o'clock on a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wednesday, you're in the Bahamas at 9 a.m. the next morning. You get off the ship. You just go to the beach for the day. You get back on the ship and you're back in West Palm Beach at 9 a.m. on Friday and you're off the ship. And that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, there's like, there's a video, oh yea, we have a video, this is 20 minutes before we shove off. Leave Florida. Leave Florida. And so you see like, nobody's on the ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is 20 minutes before we leave. That's a good question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is we're in the port. And I wanted to fit in. I thought there'd be a lot of Jimmy Buffett fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why you're the best. There was no one else, there was no one else in any Jimmy Buffett stuff. I love about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then like, I was in good company because like, there's two pools on the ship. They're both smaller than the pool in my backyard, which is not big. I watched a guy with his kid, he just walked right onto the ship, took his shirt off, and then just in full jeans, just jumped in the pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, alright, I kinda get what this is gonna be.


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[Assistant] They give you a lei, they give you like flowers, and the guy, here's the thing, so the guy that's in the show, there was one guy that was actually in the national tour of the musical. So I'm like, I'm in a mask, but I'm like, ooh, I'm trying to be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Secretive here, I don't wanna like, so I had my sister go to him, and then I go to the other guy, and I got past him, but then I got greedy, and I wanted to send O'Malias.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Selfie of me and this guy, say I'm hiding in plain sight. So I take, I go over real quick, I go selfie, and he does it, I take a picture and I start walking away and I hear him go, Garcia? And I'm like, oh no. I just keep walking. And he goes, Greg Garcia? And I turn around, I'm like, no. And then like he's hurt, he's like, you don't remember me? And I go, nah, I remember you, but nah, I'm just, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just, you know, I'm just here with my sister. I just was being lowkey. I was gonna send you the picture in a couple days. I thought it'd be funny. Bye bye. He goes, oh, no, I won't say anything. You're gonna see the show? And I'm like, oh, there's a show? Oh, yeah. You know, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, uhm, but yeaah, and it was, it was a kooky time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Constant drink pushing. You have to like buy your drink pass. I've never been on a cruise before. I know you guys have been on cruises. So this is the first cruise I've ever been on and I don't think it's necessarily the top echelon of cruises. Like there's a lot of hidden costs and like they keep hitting you with different things and I actually felt bad for some of the people because I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, this, this surprise kind of costs and stuff. But a lot of drinks, pushing drinks, and I would just keep telling, like, they walk by and they're like, drink, and I'm like, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'm like, this is a terrible idea. You know, I would say to the people just to get them away, I'm realizing this is not where I should have been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had to pay forty bucks to play and I think they collected from what I counted maybe about a thousand bucks and then the winner got two hundred dollars and I was like, this seems a little unfair, but uhm, the first five people that yelled bingo didn't have bingo. So I'm like, guys, let's get it together here, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, they just couldn't, they just couldn't. Just crackers. They couldn't figure it out. They couldn't figure it out. No, it's right here! And you're like, no, you gotta have em. No, you gotta, it's gotta be connecting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's no, there's not a specific, I mean the time for the show is every night and then they have like a little trio band that will play stuff and they'll mix in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She invites them over. She wants to talk to them. We met this great woman, Verona, from the Bahamas, and she was just using it as her transportation from Florida back to the Bahamas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and this ship was like, this is like a 30 year old ship that's been going back and forth and doing this cruise for a while, so I think they just kinda rebranded it. And it was also a Wednesday, so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they'd do better business on the weekend or something like that. But it might have been my last cruise. I think I got a taste of it. I'm good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my parents have been on a ton of them as well, you know? Um, I talked to this one guy recently when I told him I was on that and he said that he went on this cruise. Have you heard of this ship, The World, where you buy a condominium on this thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're gonna have to get her to do something really good to pay for this. How much is that? I have no idea. It has to be millions of dollars. I have to, I gotta think it is. I mean, you own the condominium on the ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, there you go. What? Yea, and this guy I know was just a guest of somebody, but like he said it was absolutely insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hop on and off whenever you want, I guess. This was, he hopped on in France, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much money that you can just do that and not even think about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but just to have like, I mean, just the luxury of just like walking into your own, like it's already set up. You just like, oh, where's the ship? Yeah, let's go catch it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, I told my wife, I haven't put it in writing yet, but I told her I want her to prop me up like weekend and burning styles in, in my AMC Pacer, my 1976 Pacer and put it on a flat bed. And I want her to go across the country with it. Oh, that's cool. I thought you were going to say off a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean ultimately maybe off a cliff, that'd be fine, but like a little parade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's rough. That's the worst. I had a conversation with my wife about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a conversation with my wife about death not long ago because, well this is a bummer, but that guy from the Foo Fighters, Taylor Hawkins, and he was a neighbor of ours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and she was just like, oh my god, that poor...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woman right now, his wife, like she's over there and like she said to me, she goes, I would have no idea what to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you died, like you have to write down, like I don't know where money is, I don't know, like you have to write down everything I'm supposed to do if you die. So like she made me, gave me an assignment. So I wrote it, she hasn't seen it, but like number one, I said, cry, you psychopath. Like why do you, why do you have to like, why do I have to tell you this or whatever? And I had to go through and write this whole thing, but it's just full of jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and at the end I say, uh, uh, PS, if you believe in heaven and you ever want to see me again, you better start doing some bad shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope not, I got a lot of, uh, gin to play and hard candies to eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mother's doing that now. She calls it Swedish death cleaning. She's dark as shit. My mother's dark as shit. She just talks about dying all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like all the time she talks about diet and she's cleaning stuff out and like I'll come and she's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I threw out all your stuff. It's all gone. You know, I'm like, okay. I mean, I'd like to look at it, but okay. And every time I come to the house, it's just less and less stuff that she's just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got a lot of strength to her. She looks like, like, I'm not saying your mother's a cockroach, but she's got that kind of, you know, strength.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so unfair to people, isn't it? My father's like that. I'll watch my father sit down and just eat seven crispy cream donuts. And then like I'll go out to dinner with him and he'll get a milkshake with his burger at the stand. And then he gets up and I go, what are you doing? He goes, I'm going to get a milkshake for dessert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that's the thing I think about, like all these guys that got cancelled, like Harvey Weinstein and all these guys that were just taking their dick out. I mean, whatever the situation, it's always different. But all I take away from it is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but that's what I think about like those guys. They must, they must have a pretty good situation going on. Or you're just ready to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or maybe it's so bad that you're like, let me just put this out here right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because this could be a deal breaker later. I'm going to just throw this out here. Now you see that I got nothing. It's terrible. Exactly. And here it is. Oh yeah, that's right. Cause he shows it all the time, right? And it's not good. No, it's not good. It's not good. So I guess there is a, there's a, there's a flip side to that too. Yeah. All right. You've changed my mind on this topic. All right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can cook for you, clean up your house. When you come home, baby, you just gotta jump in the tub with all them bubbles. Once I touch your booty, I'ma make you cry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One ter, one, one, one ter, one ter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One, one, one tear. One tear. One, one, one tear. One, one, one, one, one, one tear. One tear. One, one, one tear. One tear. One, one, one tear. One tear. One, one, one tear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With dentures, glasses, a tattoo, no beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It ain't what you think. No, this is traditional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, man. Yeah, I'm just, you know, I'm trying to follow my, uh, my main man Bert. He likes to reclaim his power a lot, you know, by not drinking for like a couple days. That's what you're doing? I'm doing the same thing. I'm still, you know, I'm drinking, but. Okay. I just, you know, I'm making hot sauce part of my lifestyle. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright man, maybe I'll be a Tabatio bottle next, I don't know. Oh shit. What's that? Oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not what I, I didn't say that. I said, cause you guys asked if we would add inches to our dick and I said no because I think then it would be like paint, like it wouldn't be a good thing if it was too much bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But what I will say is, I've always said, and I asked on the first Drew show that I was on, if I could make the flaccid dick bigger. Cause that is a, I fucking hate that. My flaccid dick be like a motherfucking nothing. It's like a damn giant. You're a grower. You're a grower. Yeah, yeah, but it's the worst. I don't know, like I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I tell you what, I'm definitely going to do some research for you, uh, probably tonight. Oh really? If that's what it does, I mean, dick pill city, baby. I'm on that shit. Trying to get this flaccid dick looking way better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait to it. I used to joke, you know what joking is? Joking is you just sit in the fucking shower or whatever and you just milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's time that we bring back fat shaming. Yes, I said it, and I don't give a shit if you don't like it. Because being nice about it is not changing things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is horrible. No, you're gonna sit there and take it. Or you're gonna change your life and fix yourself. Otherwise you're gonna be in an early grave. And to be honest, it makes me sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Instagram, I'm brand new. Never frickin' been on ever before. And this is just me driving home. Here in the main set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am here standing neutral to the motion approving an agreement for the proprietary purchase of yard waste processing and disposal. I do however find it interesting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do not let this glamorous look distract you from doing your duty to take my demand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I look forward to spanking each and every single one of you at the new esteemed dungeon. You are dismissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feels great. I love it here. It was time to get out of LA, I thought for sure. Uhm, yeaah. Feels good to be back with the team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we kept doing that stuff low key kinda through COVID and stuff. Yeah, good for you. Did you guys do keg stands?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I realize- I mean, when you see it catching up to you, you kind of realize like, eh, let's make this change early. Oh, I saw it catching up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's fuck with this guy. Let's fuck with this killer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, how do we know he spilled his seat on the ground and not on her stomach?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. You guys know we're huge, huge fans of Satva and their amazing mattresses. We've been sleeping on them for over a decade now. Ten years on different Satva mattresses. Uhm, it is a game changer and you deserve to sleep on a high quality mattress that doesn't break


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bank, you spend, I don't know, a third of your life or something on a mattress asleep and people will spend money on all kinds of things they don't need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But forget that you should invest in a great mattress. Get great sleep. It's a great product, environmentally friendly product.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they have luxury firm mattresses, they have memory foam mattresses, they have mattresses that'll sit up for you when you're too lazy to do it, like me. They're all amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Saatva offers us a great deal for you. You go to Saatva.com slash the shit and you'll get $200 off any mattress of your choice. Welcome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To another episode of Your Mom's House, this is episode 666, and I just gotta say, Jesus Christ, what the hell are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Really? I mean, it's fun for a party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. Like it's- Well yeah, because you're alive, you know? Like guys just wanna bang women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you see that chick with kayak gear? I want to bang her. Cause she's walking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think maybe a little bit because, but it's kind of like how it's different. It's like, oh, you know, what's up with that chick? And then someone's like, oh, she's from fucking Croatia. You're like, oh, okay. Cause like, you know, it's like, it's different. She looks different. Different. Different. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the, uhm, multiple liars that soundproofed it, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spooooky. We got some spooky, spooky surprises coming. Hell yea dog. Here, let's uh, let's open the clip real quick here. It's been a long time. It's been a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to give a shout out to Randy and her daughter, Bristol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep rockin' it, girlfriends. Because you are number one. Be the badass bitches I know you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's make some videos. I want to see them. I want to laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm serious when I tell you we're gonna have that chat with some people back in Nebraska next week, right Chief? You're gonna give me a chance, right? If you even flinch, guess what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, I am really excited to announce that I have written my first book. This is actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real. I can write. And I wrote a book. It's called, I'd Like to Play Alone, Please. And it's coming out this summer, but you can pre-order now. You go to ThompsonGro.com slash book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can order a hard copy. You can order an audio book and I would love if you did that for me. Thank you so much. I hope you will check it out if you can read.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanna go fucking punch out a car headlight right now, you know? Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's a good question. I, I went out with one who was real, like, fine. Lucy, hey, like, you know, giggly. I had friends who got really aggressive. Yeah. That shit's terrifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, a couple, um, yeah, a couple of friends that were like, really aggressive. Like, one dude head butted me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it was like, dude, can't be around you anymore. Nah, that's a no go. Not when you're like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been around women, not that I was dating, but just like out, like socially. And a woman like just fucking kicked me, slapped me. Yeah, yeah. Because she was like the violent type. Yeah. In like a group setting and you're like, holy shit. Kicked you. What a bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I had a cousin, like not one that you actually are familiar with, like that you socialize with, but more I guess your like second cousin, who one time, this is years ago,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, I could tell, I mean, she was obviously drinking, and she fucking, I had hair at the time, pulled my hair, punched me in the side of the head, and I was like, what the fuck, and then her friend was like, yea, she's been drinking, I'm like, she just fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I found out that that night, cause I was like, I gotta get away, like she just assaulted the shit out of me. And I was like, so floored by the fact that it had happened. I was like, you know, I couldn't let it go. I was just like, so upset. And I, I mean, I left the bar we were at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't believe it. I had a friend with me and I was like, what in the fuck? He's like, that's your cousin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'd never seen her like this, you know, but like she, like she, like I had hair, she pulled my hair, fucking hit me, punching me like, like when I wasn't looking and I was like, what are you doing? And I realized she was drunk, but I didn't realize that that's who she was drunk. That night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That very night she ended up getting into a cab.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And going to, walking into a home that she didn't live at. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got lucky in that it wasn't somebody that, you know, flipped out or assaulted her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I would, I would say that that, I mean, I've reached for the door, you know, and then you're like, oh, this is, yeah, yeah. Or I've stood and been like, why isn't this working?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I walk up to a car, I'm like, come on, I'm trying, I'm like, fucking shit. It won't fucking open. And it's the wrong car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, uh, they didn't make a big, I made a bigger deal to them than they cared about. I was in a hotel once in, I think DC, and I check in, give me the key, I go to the room, I use the key, the door opens, there's a woman in the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's just like, sitting there and I was like, oh my god. Oh my god. I go, I'm so sorry, they gave me this key. So I go down there like, this is a big fucking deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were like, hm? I was like, you just gave me the key to a room that a woman is staying in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, think about how traumatizing that could be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't some piece of shit. It was, it was, it was a hotel where like they should definitely know better and handle that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean especially, I mean I understand you have debates on the video, but that painting looks like a white guy to you? Yeah, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And honestly, it's really making me question my already questionable judgment about you, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's interesting because it kind of shows you that a lot of people do just resort to when there's a problem, something that agitates me, some type of confrontation, something that needs to be resolved, just get a baseball bat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's different though when somebody, uh, does it for family stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trish and Mike weren't gonna- someone's gonna get a bat fucking wheel on them too. That's how you solve your-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that, do you think that someone's ever looked at you and been like, is that a woman or a guy? Really? Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh well, I'm just what I'm into. I love, I love biceps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean like to be with a woman that jacked has got to be a trip. Way more. Not more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just there's no fat on her, so there's no padding, you know? No softness to her body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be a trip though, cause I think, I think your brain would be like, oh no woman feels like this. Your brain would be like, you're not, you're touching a man. That's what your brain would tell you, this is a man's body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you'd be like, oh, but like, your pussy's so wet. Right!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It said, want me to look up muscular women porn? And I nodded. Question mark. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's just kind of messy. Look, look how like muscular this one is. She's like out of season right now. She's like, this is when I let myself go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's crazy is for sure she's done competitions, like fitness competitions. And other fitness people are definitely seeing this and they're like, let's carry in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I bet you everybody who's in fitness is like, I bet I could do porn, like, you know, considers it cause they have these crazy bodies, but then that's a super vascular


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does this one actually hook up or just pose?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, not even every woman likes that in men. I don't. Some women, oh you're with the right guy. But, no, but I mean like some women really like it, obviously. It's what drives a lot of men to do that. The idea that like this will be what gets me the female attention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think it's more rare to find men that like that in a woman. Definitely rare. A lot of guys like fit women, but that's another level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely respect it because you know that it takes like immense discipline and commitment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those people are like trying to showcase the perfect like body. Right. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meaning like what the body is capable of achieving. So, like the most symmetrical, muscular, like, leanest body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's a level of fit with the body, like there's a level that some of the bodybuilders get to where you're like, I mean, as a guy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a certain muscular build where you go, that would be cool to have. And then there's where you're like, I don't want to be like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you told me I could take a pill, I wouldn't want to look like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because he's not, it's the mass. He's not like coming out of everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. The guy, that guy right there? That's too crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But for some ladies, that's their, that's definitely what they like the most, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so you can see. The definition. The definition. Yeah, that's right. The tanning is what gets me. When you're super pale, you don't see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just going to bodybuilding competitions, like being a fan. Just like, I love the competitions. I love seeing them flex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, oh, like, did you used to get into that? Like, nope. I just enjoy watching. I just enjoy looking at them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is, uh, well you're shooting your special. Yep. Uhm, touch my jokes through the fence. That's from Gramercy, New York. Then, uh, you'll be here in Austin, Cap City, um, February 2nd and the 16th. What? And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fourth and fifth, which is a great town to do stand-up in. Different. And then, let's see, where else are you? You're gonna be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, that guy's not like, that guy's kind of a normal build, like he's jacked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ones, the ones that we're seeing right now, that's kind of normal built, like he's, he's jacked, but I'm saying he's not 260 pounds. Right. If you go up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it bothers, it bothers them to see the big jack dude with the smaller dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you wouldn't like? What? A 600 pound man. Cause their dog is going to look way smaller. Way smaller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a, there's a nude male bodybuilding competition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a lot of these guys, uhm, are on a lot of shit. And so their, their hormones are so out of whack. Yeah. That they've, uh, that they have like shrunken, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my dick shrinks when I work out. Big time. Like it really, it really shrinks. Eh, why not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think I've heard, I've heard other people say the same thing happens to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you want to see? I think visually you always want to see a big one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Roses are red, violets are blue. Don't let a wild puke wreck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I forgot to say, um, I'm very happy. I gave, uh, a couple other things to Danny to ship out to our, uh, to some of you poor. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. I gave him, uh, jackets, shirts. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good one, but I don't, that's what I'm saying, I, I was okay, I was trying to like, you have to say no to something if you're trying to clean out a closet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here's this one. I was playing the Long Beach


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm playing it again. What's it called? Pull up my, we pull up my, uhm, it's in February


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the Long Beach Convention Entertainment Center. That's where Richard Pryor shot a special and I was playing in 2019 and it was like, it's like a decent sized place, you know, it's like 2600, 2800 seats or something and it was sold out and I was like, I want to wear something like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this was committed to a poor fat already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We know what we should do. I just got a great idea. I have everything marked, obviously, because I thought this would shift out. We should send them just notes that say like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think it would be cool, here's my point on this, I think it would be cool to, if I were a fan, to get this, if it's something like, I wrote down the guy who I'm supposed to send this to, the dude would never get this jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? And like, he might think this is wild as shit too, like when he sees the colors. But he'll have a fucking crazy, like a cool jacket and a crazy story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This I remember because of that show. And I remember this the only time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, I was gonna go do a second pass on the closet this week. You can come with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's uhm, it's a cool thing to transition to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And food, bit, cut, electrocuted, and whipped her with a- what the fuck, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like a terrifying dude, but you're always like, I think I was one of the people like, oh yeah, but like that goofy fuck just painting that shit on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He vehemently, that's what you always have to do, you have to vehemently deny the assault and abuse claims.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is uh, yea that's rough man. Does it go on? Is there more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like it's from the R. Kelly School of Data. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he also was into, like, uhm, keeping them captive, brainwashed, like really fucking with their heads, you know. Yeah, he faces life in prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is crazy. When you think about how, I mean, he, he like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blew up when I was in fucking high school, like going in the high school. Like a young teenager.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she, uh, she has her own signature style, I would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ways that like, you know, she's sitting up, she's popping up, she's turning over her shoulder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the edge of the bed, you know, on all fours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. She's just like, spready. This chick's great. It's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, but you're asking me if does it take, I mean, you don't go like, man, it's harder, hotter that she farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I differ, I would still fuck her. Yeah, I don't see this. Yeah, I would be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is, she's really attractive. Physically, like she's a really good looking woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seventh grade and he was like, Hey guys, smell this finger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody was like, uh, and then that was when, like, rap happened to be getting very popular. And that was, you know, Eazy-E was like, don't eat that shit. Uh, I don't eat that shit. It smells like fish. So we were like, like, we were 7th graders, like, nah, I don't eat that shit. Smells like fish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and then, yeah, we didn't realize how ridiculous this was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think she needed the cash. I think she was, I think she probably saw the marketing. Yeah. And it did, it went so viral. Everybody was talking about that when it happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, who's that? And it was like Gwyneth Paltrow and her company Goop. Everybody learned about her company. So that was effective in that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is hilarious. This smells like my vagina. Yeah. Seventy-five dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet this chick's a, the, the fart girl. I bet she's like vegan or something, you know, super healthy. Very healthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Yeah. So her farts are probably rich in fiber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you think if she saw your reaction like once or twice she'd be like, oh I don't do this with him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing though, I think when she, what do you think when, I don't know, it, this is her kind of public funny persona, but like if she were with a guy, she's like, I want to bang that guy. She'd turn it, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't remember exactly how I said it. I think you said like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you wanna kiss me? Something like that. Didn't you ask me a question? Don't you wanna kiss me? And I said, well usually, your mouth usually smells like an ethnic food. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. I usually, like, you know what I'm saying, I usually get home, and if she's saying hello, she'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just ate a Turkish delight. I, I just ate Vietnamese pho. I just ate Korean. I just ate, like it's always, it always lists some other country's food and she's like, it smells like six different types of shit in my mouth right now. I'm like, okay. That's what she says almost every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll be like, what is that? And you'll be like, and then you start talking, I'm like, oh my god, there it is. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you always, you go, you go deep on that stuff. I like Flaves. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you see, I use like a meat seasoning, you know? Yeah. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually has like some, a little bit of kick to it, but like, yeah. I mean, the basis for seasoning a steak is salt and pepper. I mean, you know, if you have nothing else, you want to, you want to season it with that. But these, these, uh, rubs usually have that and obviously like some more. So I like those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, let's talk to Eni. So Eni, what do you do if a girl is doing all the right things?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's real feminine and stuff, but she keeps eating food. You know, it's just like the food she likes. Or maybe she's from one, uh, you know, a country of origin like that. And you're like, damn, that shit smells. What would you say to her? You still like her, but she's eating food that you think is stinky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bombus mission is simple. Make the most comfortable clothes ever and match every item sold with an equal item donated. So when you buy a bombus, you are also giving to someone who's in need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am a huge, I actually really feel like these are the best socks that I have ever worn. They literally feel like they're custom made for you. Bombas designed their socks, shirts and underwear to be the clothes you can't wait to put on every day. Everything they make is soft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seamless, tagless, it has a luxuriously cozy feel. They're made from super soft materials like merino wool, pima cotton, and even cashmere, which makes them the perfect cozy winter layers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to bombus.com slash mom and get 20% off any purchase. That's B O M B A S dot com slash mom for 20% off bombus.com slash mom. All right. All right. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His was actually not nearly as brutal. No, it wasn't. His was just, he actually grabbed the rim, came down and then landed fucked up. But you know why he landed fucked up? It's because of that camera. I think he was like looking towards it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Pretty bad. Alright, here's another one. You ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He tells the driver, you just killed that lady, man. Yea. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You could have like a hip replacement coming up. That's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or the weather. Or the weather. That's a very interesting stance to take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very unique. Thank you for bringing that to our attention. I really enjoyed that. Thank you so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are, uh, vacuuming in the car. It looks like a car detailing kind of thing. And they got the cap off of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, this is why TikTok exists. This is good. This is a good talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The kind of thing I could see somebody recording and then you're like, don't post this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so real, it's so real, and you, here's the thing, when somebody is like this, you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's parts of you that connect to it. You know what it's like to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like everyone's like, you know, you've said, I don't know, maybe into a mirror or something and then you're like, oh man, like, you know, like you're having these bad, this guy's like, uh, my dad's rich. Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My sister's famous. Uhm, I have a lot of porn. I'm taking care of my mom. And then he's like, what? I'm telling you the truth. I mean, what else do you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's unaware, like it's the thing. He's too depressed and too desperate to know that you shouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he needs someone to be like, hey, get dressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, let's uh, let's go for a walk. Let's fuckin' pep you up a little bit. Like, he's doing a desperate plea. That's why this is such a depressing time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to lead with that. You can have a bunch of porn and not bring it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think it's all true. It's all true. He is divorced. His dad probably is well. His dad probably doesn't fucking talk to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His sister probably is. He's throwing that out there. Maybe you like that. Or maybe he's bitter about it. That his sister is a successful actress. It's all sad. Can we go to the next one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, by the way, is 100% going back. This guy has the face that you can talk and be like, Hey, you know, I know there's a fucking jewelry store that we could smash and grab right now. He'd be like, hi, hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To just get out of prison, and he's this young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You wouldn't at least go on a date? The island boy. You'd go on a date. Just to like see what it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he's been to prison. He's going out late. Don't worry about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wouldn't wanna see what lunch is like with this guy, seriously? I'd wanna fucking go to lunch with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanna hear him fuckin' tell stories? I mean, you don't think this kid has amazing stories?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know that, you're just, you're putting that on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you should be more positive about yourself. Don't say I'm not his type. Let me say I am his type.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a, like a cheeseburger. Simple American cheese on it. I don't like, I don't like to eat like American cheese slices.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's a real sweet, it seems like it's make believe how he lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can do it. How do I get this done? Get moved to England with your fucking prison boyfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a special kid. I mean, he really fucking loves trains so much. And he's like, he's a kid that should be like, all I care about is eating pussy all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like we, you know, we had tea with them too, and he should be like, I want to see how many times I could come in an hour, you know. But he's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just wanted to, you know, this is like, I don't think you could, I don't think you could manufacture this. This just happens. This kids a one in a million type of. One in a million.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool. And you just showed us. That was cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think there's a fair bit of neglect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, that really changed the mood. Look how quiet it is in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can have him. You can have him and I'll have fucking... Oh my god, I don't wanna know what I'm gonna be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I, you know, I'd be like, oh yeah, hey girls, what's going on? You guys want a drink?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, party! It's cool, he'll buy us drinks all night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That thing feels like it could push that door right down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and Dash is uh, probably not the brightest either. No. That's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably should have looked at her next video. She's like, uuuhhh. Her living room is crying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I, uh, I'm cooked. We gotta go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The point is that there's a nice person out there who follows me on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys, thanks for watching, thanks for listening, we'll see you next time. Bye mommy. Bye bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, your honor, that as a black man, I can say that looks just like a one of mine, I would say. Doesn't he? Yeah, he looks like a black dude. I always thought he was a black dude. It was you and me versus the whole world. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little long. It's a little long. But, but tailor. I would tailor that one. That one fits you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yes. Very much so. Yes. Yeah, I would not have sex with this woman. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't even consider it. He's so disrespectful and gross. This is where any of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't want it, I don't want that in my life, yeaah. Cause you know that it doesn't stop there, you know? Like, it's gonna be a fun thing for her, like, all the time. To fart? Haha, I just woke up, fart in your face, haha. So funny. No it's not. It's not funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's gotta be something. There's breath mints, I got everything in my house, so it's like, if we bout to do something, you gonna get ready first, yeaah. You need like a fucking fire hose. I know. It's like, it's like deep in there. I guess I'm going to buy a fire hose and do what I gotta do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just realized that. Like, as I was, I'm like, oh yeah, I lost my front teeth too, and I was thinking about how I did it, and it was also dunking. What? So I tried to dunk, and I missed, and so I fell, like, forward, I just kept going forward, and there was a pole that didn't have the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so it had that, just like hers, it had that little cave. Like a little circle. How are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in, I was in daycare, so it was like fourth grade or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, the daycare paid for it because it was like, one of those, they should have had the padding on it. But since then, I mean, it's, my teeth look like shit now. It's, the nearest have fucked up some stuff. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he froze it, yea. Frozen? Like how you freeze ants before you put them in an ant farm. So it like slows them down, you know? Or like, I think they do that to bosses too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm coming to your city. Well, that is if you live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Richfield, Washington, just outside of Portland, Oregon. I'm coming to the Elani Casino. Denver, Colorado, I'm coming to you. And Mohegan Sun Arena, I'm coming back to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] July 9th for Ridgefield, July 23rd for Denver, and September 3rd for Mohegan Sun. The pre-sale is going on right now. Use the promo code Tommy, T-O-M-M-Y. Get tickets at tomsdegro.com slash tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. Go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash The Shit and get $200 off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, here we are. Hi. Hi. I love you. Love you too. What's your name? My name is Tom. How are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he did. He fucked everybody on the seventh floor. That's right. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hot sauces. I used hot sauce this morning. Yeaah. I used that green, uhm. Cholula. Cholula. That's your whole new jams. I like that green one so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also breaking news. I had four eggs over hard. Yes. Didn't diarrhea.


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[Assistant] That's kinda what I like to see right there. That's a good staff. That's a well-trained staff.


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[Assistant] I know. I think, I honestly think I was just doing it so much. I don't mean hot, I mean eggs. Every day. Every day. Huge quantities that, I don't know, something was happening and was having some sensitivity to it. And when I take a week off, I can have a few and it's fine. That's what I'm figuring out.


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[Assistant] My butt head had become so sensitive. You had to shit it all out. Yeaah. That guy is so great.


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[Assistant] Uhm, actually because we have one of my friends stopping by today, and I was like, I wonder if he's ever seen Leo before.


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[Assistant] He will now. And I'd love to, I'd also love to, um, you know, surprise him. Cause it also, it also, Leo starts off, you're just like, who is this shirtless old man? What's he, what's he talking about and the way it builds? I love that it builds, you know?


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[Assistant] Oh, and also he was like, he was like telling that guy, he was like, well, the way that I'm built is such that my balls are set back. What? No, I've never heard anybody say that.


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[Assistant] Maybe Garth wants to be. It's also this, it's uhm, it's his sexy talk, you know, his sexy time for him. And I think it's, it's a exposure to what real, what a real person is doing. As opposed to your imagination or porn, or even a non-porn movie where it's like,


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[Assistant] Well yeaah, I mean, the professional, that's the thing you learn, right, is that a lot of those things are just fantasies. It's a fantasy to talk that way perfectly, to look that way perfectly. I know. And that the reality is, it's Leo. It's Leo being like, well, show me, show me how much you like me.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I have no problem swallowing. Yeah. I mean, even if I, I'd be like, I mean, step it up a little, man. I'm trying to, I'm trying to come. No. No more.


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[Assistant] And I like that it turns you on too. That's the other part of it that I didn't talk about, you know.


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[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Look, women aren't as open to this.


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[Assistant] It's not a woman's fantasy to be with that, but maybe the reality is that a guy trying those lines on a, if she liked him, what if, what if Mark was Marilyn and, you know.


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[Assistant] I guess if you're with somebody, you don't call them out, but he tells a blatant lie. Yeah. What is it? Oh, it's normal size. No, it's not.


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[Assistant] Listen, if there's one thing I hate, it's soft cocks.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I tried to piss them off the side of the bowl. And guess what? Didn't work.


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[Assistant] Trying to get every chick that watches the show all wet right now?


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[Assistant] I kissed it off, and it fell off the slides a little.


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[Assistant] Uhm, what's it called? It's all angles. Bartron has a video of him, uhm, having sex with Leanne, because he has a nest camera.


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[Assistant] He said, he said in the picture of himself flexing afterwards. Like he was like, ah, standing there naked.


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[Assistant] Here we are, uhm, going through clippity clips. Here we are. We haven't even played the opening clip. Oh, goodness. So, you ready? Yeaah. Let's start the show officially. Okay.


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[Assistant] You know what I, uhm, but we don't recommend doing any of that, do we? Uhm, what I thought, I don't know if this occurred to you, this kid looks so young.


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[Assistant] Right? That's like a, he's a very youthful face. I mean, the beard isn't even like a, really like an adult beard. It looks like a, you know what I mean? Like a baby beard. Mhm. I kept going like, oh, his fucking parents are probably like, god damn it, Steven, or whatever the fuck his name is. Why is he doing it? Cause he's probably like, Mom? Dad?


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[Assistant] Cause I just keep thinking about our kids and like, this would be, you know, two different voices would do it. Like if, if it were Alice, he'd be like, Hey, fuck head, guess what? I'm like, what? He's like pissing in my mouth. I'm like, cool. Fixed everything. Great.


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[Assistant] Uhm, no, I mean, if I'm being honest, I feel like minute is tops, right?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but you know what? It works. It's working. It is working.


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[Assistant] It's not only fixing the cavities, it's now, it's a substitute for brushing. I don't need to. I feel like this is gonna end the way we all know it's gonna end. Which is a video in like 10 years where he's like, oh my teeth fell out.


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[Assistant] And I don't recommend just using piss to maintain your dental hygiene.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you're good. You fixed them. You fixed them all by yourself.


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[Assistant] So, we haven't even addressed that we had Charles and Blanca here.


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[Assistant] And one of the most powerful guest appearances ever. They were epic.


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[Assistant] That was something. And I got, I'm so glad that the audience got to see Charo and how she operates in her real element. Even like, uh, talking to the guys, they were like, I've never seen gaslighting like this before. And I was like 40 years of it.


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[Assistant] Her bet, remember her bet? She was like, you bet me. I was like, I did not bet you. Nobody bet you. That trip cost me thousands of dollars.


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[Assistant] I'm trying to think. By the way, I thought it was nice that I took my mom and aunt to a mall and gave them each a few hundred bucks.


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[Assistant] $300 each of like, not like, first of all, they have, they each of them have money. They're not broke. So I was like, you just, like, whatever you were going to buy, you now have $300 more each.


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[Assistant] They were like, what's up? What else are you? Uh.


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[Assistant] They bought, so they spent that. I got my, I spent a grand on my mom for, on her cosmetic stuff.


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[Assistant] To the house. But don't forget this at the, cause this was brought up on that episode. She goes,


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[Assistant] Uhm, which is hilarious because she was like, I need this, I need the new watch, like the iWatch, whatever it's called. And I'm like, okay. So I just meet her at the Apple store and she's like, let's, I go, no, let's, this is how I shop. So I walk up to the, I go.


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[Assistant] Where are the new watches? And they're like, here I go, okay, she wants a new watch. And she's like, yeah, the thing is I have a four and I need the seven. And then the lady checks, she goes, you have a six.


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[Assistant] Uh, she goes, I guess I don't need the 7. And I'm like, okay, so what are we doing here? She's like, my phone. I go, great, where are the phones? And she's like, right here. I go, okay, give her the new phone. Thanks. And then my mom was like, gosh, do you like how he shops? I'm like, are you getting free stuff right now?


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[Assistant] Is this free? Yeah. And she was like, yeah, I'm like, okay. So.


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[Assistant] Then, uhm, so I got her that, uhm, then she was like, she goes, the whole time she was like, uhm, you're gonna buy me a car, right? So, I'm like, sure.


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[Assistant] So this is like the first time, I don't know if I mentioned this on the podcast before, but I've never lived anywhere or even visited somewhere where car dealerships are closed on Sunday. I always thought that was like the day to go car shopping. I've done it everywhere that I've lived. I even go on the road sometimes. I've gone to like look at cars on Sundays. Car dealerships are closed here on Sunday and I didn't know that. So we had this all planned and


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[Assistant] Sunday morning, I start looking up places and I'm like, oh, they're all closed. So we ended up doing, you know, spending the day differently. And then Monday, she's getting ready to leave. She goes, so what happened to my car? I didn't get a car.


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[Assistant] I'm like, yeah, sorry. Um, and then this morning I woke up.


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[Assistant] What do you think? And it's a link to, let's see, a Cadillac, a Lexus, a Mercedes, a Range Rover.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, this is what made me insane when we went shopping. Cause this is the stuff where I go, I get, I can't hold myself together anymore.


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[Assistant] We're walking around on Sunday and we walk into some place and I bought something and then she, they have, uh, they actually had like some, you know, creams and moisturizers and stuff like that. And she's like talking to the guy, I want this. And they're like, oh, it's 15 bucks. And she goes, do you want to buy me this? And I go, no.


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[Assistant] He goes, okay, then I'm not getting it. I go, do you want it? If you buy it? I go, no, do you want it?


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[Assistant] She's like, if you buy it, I go, it's $15. Like you've had everything bought for you this week. Just pull out 20 bucks.


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[Assistant] And, and buy it. And she was like, no. I'm like, okay, I'm not buying it for you. Like you make it not fun.


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[Assistant] To buy you something, because you're asking for like, something that you clearly have. You know? It's so annoying.


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[Assistant] Like when you stop and they're like, oh, you're fat. We didn't, we didn't realize that. Here you go. Like one of those.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Does it stop you from snoring though? I don't think it does. I don't know. Does it just open your... It's just forcing air in. That's all it is. Oh, it forces? Yeah, it's continuous. Continuous airflow, you know? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Hey Jordan. I'm just making up a name, I don't know the name.


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[Assistant] Oh, right. Hey, uh, I was, uh, you see, uh, you see the, uh, Superbowl? What's your pronouns?


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[Assistant] This is the best way to do it. I got it. Go ahead. Do you mind making a pit stop at the house?


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[Assistant] Go to the house. I have an Ask Me My Pronouns t-shirt. Wear that. Have it be the conversation starter.