[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] K1LL3RB34N says, any advice for a shy guy who doesn't like drinking and going to a bar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Duralius, what was the name of the video that you made about the Battlefield 1 planes? Was it Battlefield 1 planes? It's called the Planes of Battlefield with Zane Zipperflip. Was that your main character name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but do you not know, like, the machine gunny things? Do they not have names, or are they just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Jack Stilo says, hey, I love you guys. Duralius is my homie, USMC. Uh, you guys need, you guys need to make a melee weapons review on Battlefield 1. No one else has really done one yet. I'd love to see what you assholes come up with. Tell Simon to stop eating sandwiches while recording LOL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who made the video scrap bombers? Uh, Neebs did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, definitely you would say that. I would say it depends on the person. Yeaah, cause if you like building stuff, they're so very different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys could make a climbing-ramping challenge without the use of thrusters. And I thought that sounded interesting. Climbing-ramping? Yeah, in other words, like a ramp or something that you have to climb, but you can't use thrusters at all. Have you done, you've done climbing as a part of a... We climbed a ladder. Yeah. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should watch these videos. No, I, I was, I watched you do it, actually. I don't fully understand. Yeah, you did. But it was just one thing. This, this could be something different, no? I don't really understand what a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, coming from somebody that works at Subway, please improve the way you write down your order. Listening to this almost gave me an aneurysm. It goes, bread, subtype, cheese, toasted vegetables and sauce. Thank you. You guys are a great channel. You just need to work on that. That's a sandwich artist right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you watch any videos on our channel? He was part of it. I lived it, man. But you forgot it. I didn't forget it. I read these comments because I remember the sandwiches. I don't know why you're taking this to this level. Is this entertaining to you? Let's entertain you. I watched the videos you cut. Yeah, great. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just read it. I'm good for the year. Look, Joshua Chase, you just fucking, this is gonna make his day. Another day, another video commenting so I can get on commenting on comments vid, even though I won't. Ah, LOL. Yay! Yay! Joshua Chase!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for making this a good video. You're the man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you everyone for being here on commenting on comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, ladies in your community, you can go there. I mean, there's, I mean, online dating apps. Activities. Yep. Yes, key. Go to the park.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It was like we stream at eight o'clock on every Thursday and it was like eight ten. You guys are still recording fucking scrap mechanic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I'll say this, if you enjoy playing with a group of friends, ARK, because ARK by yourself, to me it's like, it's okay, but it's such a big world, there's so much to do. Scrap I can see playing by yourself, I mean Scrap is fun with friends too, but Scrap, like, you can build your own machine by yourself if you're into building machines, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what to do with these plants. I'll just put them by the coffee cups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I told him he was black. I invited him on stage, I said come on bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been 30 minutes, come on stage. At this point, just bring your ass on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wouldn't come on stage, so I said, you're showing all these good white people why George Floyd got his neck nailed on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I take it there, Tom. Yeah, I know you do, I know you do. So the groans happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I'm just kidding. I would have never kneeled on George Floyd's neck. I would have shot him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then people are like, oh hell, that's when some of the black, older black people are like, oh hell no, man we getting the fuck out of here. They got out of there. So, I'm like this, if the ship is sinking,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imma sink this bitch faster. That's a- I think that's a natural instinct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went on to say, I like Kyle Rittenhouse too, you wanna hear them jokes? And then later on I said, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, and for all you people leaving, I'm doing a show next week for the Klan for $30,000. So who gives a fuck about your $35 ticket? I was just going in. Yea, you went in, yea. But, you know, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A person who I thought was, uh, like a big brother to me, D.O. Hughley, posted that video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he like clipped it all up to make it seem very, very bad. Yeah. And that's when the world lost their fucking mind and he posted it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, he detached himself away from me. All you guys text me, checked on me, and it's like, god damn, the person-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like one of the first people I used to watch doing comedy, cause I remember D.O. Hughley, from the first print show, is now detaching himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] away from me and even went on his radio show and act like he didn't know me when, when I was in Philly he asked me to come on the road with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, what? I was like, that hurt a lot. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I look up to, like, I look up to y'all. You know what I'm sayin'? I look up to Rowling. Like, if anybody would've detached themselves away from me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell me I'm fucked up. Tell me it was fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He thought I was very intelligent. Yeah. First of all. And then he said the next day, that's the best interview I've ever did. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it was a respectful banter. Yeah, sure. You give me your viewpoint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm not here to change yours, and you're definitely not gonna change mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I see it the way that I see it. And I feel that why are we attaching emotions to a joke?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that was my whole thing, like this race shit, man. I'm just sick of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if we just all act as human beings, which we really are,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instead of dividing each other by race, like, because I told him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said if I would've made a OJ Simpson killing Nicole joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] George Floyd, who I, I understand. I understand the emotional part. But part of healing over pain is laughing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I talk about shit that was traumatic to me as a child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And possibly make me question my sexuality. Like, am I gay when this shit happened to me when I was a kid? So it's just like, once you heal over it, like, I'm over it. Like, I don't wanna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sit there and be sad about slavery or sit there and continue to mope and be sad about George Floyd. Let's joke about it. That's your way to do it. That's my way of coping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad died in November. I have jokes about, cause I had him cremated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have jokes about I take his ashes to do all the things that I wanted to do when I was a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when is it too far? Because you didn't know my dad. He's dead. And I joke about carrying his ashes with me. Like what's too far? You can't tell me what's too far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't know if the joke is too much, because we're fucked up in the head. I have so much more fucked up shit in my head than I actually project on stage, so I don't know that it's too far until I tell it and I see the audience's reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a joke, there was a joke, I hope Adder doesn't kill me for this, but there was a joke I did, uh, where it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not a, I'm not a TV comic. No. You're not gonna be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is more, this is more than money can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like that self fulfillment you get. People come up to me after shows and like, bro, you say what we want to say. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we can't because we have jobs. And I appreciate you for keeping it honest and truthful. I'm like, bro, you know, just keep supporting me. Because I'll never be on a fucking TV show. So the only way I am going to be able to make money is from YouTube and less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People who try to cancel me from the George Floyd shit. So I got this new joke where I talk about walking around at all times with a thousand dollars and fives in my pocket and just in case a group of black people try to ride me, I'll throw that shit in the air like bird seeds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black people coming to my show and they're telling me we're tired of society telling us how to think. Yeah. Because that's what happens and that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I get a lot of flack, because just so happens, I grew up around a lot of white people. Yeah. You grew up in Macon, Georgia? Yes, sir. Okay. My dad is Hispanic, my mom is black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I grew up around a shit ton of white people. Rednecks. Like, people who the mainstream media would tell you is supposed to kill me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll grip around motherfuckers with, you know, confederate flags on they belt buckles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rifle racks, that's just, that's just how it is in making. You even got black guys like, I know a shit ton of black boys who wear confederate flags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So with that, uh, where is that going? Are black people saying they're tired of, uh, the media telling them how to think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always been comfortable around white people. Mhm. My grandmama had a white father.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, I had white family members, like you, you can't tell me that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White people are racists. I think that's old school talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think it's an easy thing to use as a scapegoat, kinda like being trans. You can say, oh, the white man's keeping me down. That's an easy way just to accept failure. And I, like, I'll get on a soapbox at my shows and I'm like, look,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a 5'11", 350 pound black man with hand tattoos, neck tattoos, and two baby mamas. Everything about me should be racially profile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] According to y'all, when I get pulled over, I should be shot by the cops. Why don't I get shot by the cops? Because I have respect. My mom from an early age taught me how to make it back home to her, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the police pull you over, roll your windows down, turn your radio off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turn your car off. Put your hands on the steering wheel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you know a police officer is already on edge, why not do these things? I'm not combative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can get fucked, they can't get committed to because they're insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's wrong with a female, what's wrong with a female comic to where you're doing comedy? I fucked one female comic and I, it almost made me turn gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if that makes sense. I don't look at her as a white lady. What do you look at her as?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A woman? Because you don't have- A woman? You don't have typical white woman behavior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how you are at home. You could be a white woman at home. But every time I see you, you remind me more of like a Italian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll do a show with the Klan. I had a run-in with the Klan when I was a kid. In Macon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Monroe County. What happened? Uh, I was riding my dirt bike and it stalled out at a Klan rally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they helped you out. Yeaah. They got it unstuck. And them white sheets never got dirty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keeping the white race white. Okay, do you, I mean, it's not that I, I'm like, alright, yea man, go out here and be a white supremacist. But it's like, if, if that's what you see fit, do it. That's your decision. That's your thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's simplistic. It's very simplistic. It's like, this is the Beethoven of trap rap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, you listen to music now, that's very simple, it's easy listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's got the tizzle too. Nah, I like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, come on girl, I know how I look, I accepted that a long time ago and I have a belly and yes, I'm gonna put it on your clit and it's gonna give you the best orgasm you've ever had. Like, fucking friction is what does it, you put that fucking belly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If she got a fupus even better, you know, all that fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think uhm, a lot of girls grow up in the social media era and they don't understand finances. That's why I love Kevin Samuels so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gets the crowd a little, you know, it gets them. I'm like, you gotta think that white people did have mercy on us. Because they made us pick cotton. One of the lightest natural substances out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get a trash bag full of cotton and it's not even heavy. I said, I said the white people were mean, they would have made us pick shit like watermelon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, when you ask them how many men in the world make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you know, we're lucky, we're comedians, you know, public speaking is the fastest way to become rich outside of real estate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when you ask someone, how many guys in America make over a quarter of a million dollars?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a lot, right? It's like 7% of the population, I believe. So it's like, you're battling, and how many women are out here? You're battling for a 7%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you can go get a fucking guy who got forklift driving license and lived down in fucking San Marcos, Texas and got a fucking 3-2 house for 1800 square foot and he can get you a nice car every five to six years and live a good life. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But y'all want the, the jewelry wearing, Mercedes driving dudes when that's all fake, it's a facade. Right. So they, they, a lot of girls that go on dates with, they come into it with this kind of like, what can you do for me attitude? And it's like, I can't do shit for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And me being who I am and y'all being who y'all are, we can go to a lot of places and not wait in lines, go to a restaurant and get a table immediately. And they love that. So it'll make them, you know, fall in love. Yeah. When you don't even, they're like, Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That teaches you guys, you know, uh, Kevin Samuels is a prime example of when you're in your 50s, don't be out here fucking 20 year old pussy. That's how he died. Yeah, that's right. That's true. Was it a combination of dick pills and Red Bull? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, I used to follow him on Instagram and, uh, one time, he like, uh, I guess it was his Ferrari or Lamborghini, some smaller two-door car, and he took a video of it on his story and he said, Big Shirley can't fit in this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he just made people look at themselves with a, you gotta look at yourself as an honest man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like what do you, what do these guys want with you? Right, right. Like yeaah, I think man we reached that level when we were like in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you don't play football, it's like, you gotta really be honest and, you know, work out, do something, be smart, some shit, to get the type of woman you want. And if you, if you do, if you can't get the type of woman you want, just get rich. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, which is uh, it's uh, is it that bar that's now the two story bar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy, Christina. I didn't know. I feel like I'm mad. But do you still go back? Yea, my kid lives there. I have to. I have one kid in LA, one kid in Miami. Oh, okay, so you're bi-coastal. It's the worst, bro. Yea, Jesus. Cause I either have to like, when I get my kids, I'm like, alright, I gotta pay somebody, mama, to fly with them. Cause I'm not flying to Miami.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I would say, man, when you do what you're supposed to do, you have no baby momma issues. When you pay your money, both my kids in private school, like they couldn't, I'm not there a lot because I'm on the road, but it's like, when you do what you're supposed to do for your kids,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think you'll have any issues. Like what are, what are they gonna say? What can they say? I'm not absentee father every fucking, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I do the east coast, I fly down to see my daughter. When I do the west coast, I go over there to see my other daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my, my, my baby mama in LA, she like, when you gonna book a movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the George Floyd shit happened, she was so terrified. She's like, are you, are you, are you getting canceled? She's like, what's happening? Are you like, your show's gonna stop? I'm like, no. I said, if anything's gonna help, you don't have anything to worry about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not fully loaded, those don't look like leather seats. No. No sunroof. But he probably does- he bangs somebody for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. Every girl that has cut marks on her wrist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Twitter's better cause you'll see actual unaliving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like trying to talk shit, but isn't carnival like the greyhound of the sea?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's standing up in that puzzle. Literally. I was in the mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the crazy part is bro, all the girls who be shootin' they shot at me at shows be like 120. Really? Yes, these skinny girls, they be like, can I please come back with you? I just wanna like rub on your belly. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, I like big titties, but I don't like want to date a girl with big titties. Like I just, and I don't even want to have sex with her. I'll be like, well how much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedians, I would say after shows, we could- two shows a night, you could at least have sex with six girls. Six day girls. Oh, girls, they- it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's that thing about being in charge. You're on stage and that's sexy to them. And especially if they find you very funny. Yeah. Six to eight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should start doing that, Tom. I was doing a, uh, me and Tony did a theater in Minneapolis, and uhm. I missed the boat on that. Yea, you did. You fucked up. And uhm, this girl comes up to me, and she goes, what are you doing tonight? As I'm selling merch. She goes, what are you doing tonight? And I'm like, isn't that your boyfriend right there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the boyfriend goes to like, take a picture with Tony, and she's like, why are you even worried about him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm building a house from the ground up. And I can see how he gets f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know how many styles of ceiling fans there are? No. Pro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you building it here? Or Georgia? No, no, Georgia, bro. Fucking property tax is way too much here. Yeah, yeah. You're on top of it, dude. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When she gets older and I gotta talk about my career and she goes up there and embarrasses the shit out of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I fucking took her YouTube off. She only uses YouTube kids now, bro. I wasn't playing that shit. I mean, you ain't out here wasting my fucking money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah. No, I didn't say it in front of the class, but I told them what my career is, and you know, but to hear her say it, I'm like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not this, so what was it, 20, what was it, 2024? So 2023 New Year's coming into the 2023 New Year's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put your finger up to it, and if there's a space, you're in a safe place. Why? Fun facts of Brian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn. Wow. Did you know that the sun is super smart? It has like 10 million degrees. Y'all take care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do, uh, prunes come from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did you know that? I didn't know that. Do you know that I just put that together? That prunes are dried plums.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dried grapes. But why don't they call them dried plums? Because they call them dried apricots. Why do they call them a different word?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I was eating some, uh, dried plums the other day and I'm like, this is so silly, why don't they just call it what it is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw it on the, on the package, the pictures. It shows you the origin story. It was out here and then it goes there. But I'm like, here's another dumb thought. Why does that make you brown?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dried version. Do you know what I mean? It takes all the juice out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just, that was my revelation this weekend. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have so many thoughts. Yeah. Well, so when a day for 365 days, but what if one day you're not feeling it? You got your period, you have diarrhea, you're sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the good news, I don't think she's gonna have trouble achieving her goals, cause she's, she's pretty beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're number one in America. Oh my god. Day three actions like this. Did you see that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a sideways bird. This is totally queer. How about four?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uh, that's four, bro. Didn't they teach you in kinder? Four. So weird. You're so gay. Okay. It's practically sucking dicks. Alright, show me the lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's not connected emotionally, babe. She had some issues. I'm gonna venture there's something wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think, I think the reason she can't feel shame about it, which is an interesting point. I really like this. And I think it's because she's linking it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, but when you make it, the overarching goal is like, I'm going to run a marathon. She's trying to make it into something valuable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we can do what the guys are doing. I mean listen, my first thought always goes to herpes, genital warts, AIDS, like just all the diseases one can catch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that, she did 22 and how long was it? A day she said? I don't know. I found this so cool. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, and here's the problem though with this challenge. I'm gonna put this forward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For guys, it's a little trickier, right? Because they have to seduce and lure and lie and, you know, and do the thing. For a woman to get laid, it's really simple. I could shout in the parking lot, who wants it? And somebody is going to give it to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not hard. You know what? I changed my mind. I'm not impressed by Miss 365 or 22. In fact, listen, if I were a different place in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would double her challenge. What's 365 times 2?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's easy. I think it's bullshit. I would say 730 in a month I could do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not hard for a woman, especially cute blonde girls to get laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's shooting fish in a barrel. Now if she were unattractive, maybe a little heavy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Missing a limb, and she goes, I'm gonna do 365. I'd be like, okay, this bitch has got a challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hungryroot definitely helps save time on meal planning and relieves the stress of having to go to the grocery store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hungry Root is the easiest way to get fresh, high quality groceries and simple, healthy recipes delivered to your door. You just take a short quiz and Hungry Root will get to know your personal health goals, what you like to eat, the kitchen appliances you use, and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then they'll build you a personalized cart with all your grocery needs for the week and give you delicious recipe recommendations to put those groceries to good use.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good, and the zesty chicken tacos. Oh my gosh, I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, Hungry Root is offering your mom's house listeners 40% off your first delivery and free veggies for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just go to hungryroot.com slash mom to get 40% off your first delivery and get your free veggies. That's hungryroot.com slash mom. Don't forget to use our link so they know we sent you. Please, women getting laid. It's easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disney. So this is an account, not only for Disney adults, but plus sized Disney accounts. Whether or not they can go to their stupid park of their choice. And, have you noticed this by the way? The common denominator in all Disney adults.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Children, yeaah. The trauma is so apparent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like if you're a Disney adult, you have to register on a website somewhere just to let the normal parents know like, hey, I'm, I'm severely mentally ill and I'm going to be there too. You know what I mean? Just let the world know you fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Poro's is an exceptional vodka and I am not even a huge vodka drinker and I love this vodka because it doesn't taste like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rubbing alcohol. Do you know what I mean? Like it's, it doesn't have that awful after staying where you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and we were even doing, we met with the mixologist and we did special drinks and man, it was so good and fun. I actually feel like I don't really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn bluffs! That's some good bluff work. Cause here's the deal, man. He didn't need a full facelift.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Bradley Cooper was aging just fine, maybe with a little botox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so he pulled too tight. You know what he could have done? What you're talking about. Just give me a little bit of eye stuff. Just give me a little bluff work, baby. Cause they pulled him back. Look, they did too much. Look at the eyebrows are too lifted. They pulled him too hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the deal, I think you should always be honest about plastic surgery. Yea. And when they deny it, it's just silly. So here's what happens, the handsome guys- Don't deny it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that Kylie Jenner claims to not have had plastic surgery?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bring up Kylie Jenner, her before and after. She was, she turned 17. It's so weird. Or 18. Why are you, why are you lying? Why lie? Just be like, hey I have a brilliant plastic surgeon, I afforded this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it looks crazy. That is not Botox and Filzy, so that's a whole, whole face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you what, I'm meeting with a guy pretty soon here in LA to get my lids done because these guys are drooping, I can barely see through them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'll tell you the truth. I've had the liquid death can. It's not great, honestly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why? Because they're so varied as we saw in that buffet that you showed us, the assortment. They're so interesting because they don't, there's no two dicks that are the same. There's no two dicks that are alike. And they're fascinating to me because they're external genitalia. It's so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The good thing is guys don't really care. I mean, all the guys that I sleep with now seem to care before and after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what this would be great for? Because it's always been such a bummer when uhm, like, people like trans people, when they transition to male, they don't often give them good units.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're all the same meat, just different formations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'll tell you what, honestly, okay, if I have to go back in my Rolodex, not top three. What? Honestly, and I mean it, not my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't talk to, I don't talk to the ghosts of Christmas pasts here. I don't talk to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's a full gamut, I'll tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm serious about, about filler in my, my labes. I mean, cause it does get wrinklier over time, just to give it a little pep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, that's why I want him to do vages now, that'd be fun. Can we find a vag, a vag rejuvenator and we'll have her cum or him cum? That'd be fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so interesting, cause I was watching a bunch of like newer comedians at Mothership a week ago, and I was like, okay, they're all skilled comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what's interesting to watch is someone that's honest and vulnerable, at least for me. I want to see the guy who's like, I watch gay porn and you're like, yeah, I may have masturbated. And then you're like, yeah? You know, like, it's really,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the content, not so much the form. Cause everyone can be proficient at some point at a skill set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also to that point, yes, what you have to say, but then also, whenever I watch Ron White, it's like, you want to hang out with that person. You want to hang out with Uncle Ron White.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think too when people buy your merch or something, they want a piece of your soul. Like you are selling your soul, your essence, your being when you're a performer and entertainer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A few days ago, I was some guy in Central Park in New York City and he's laying on a wall and he just puts his leg up and he goes, Hey ladies, welcome to the barbecue. And then he farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can't tell you as a female how indifferent I am to the gender of my pilot. I am so indifferent, but you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different. I'm thrilled she's so happy about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But might I add, so I don't like vomiting, uh, but when I see it, it doesn't make me vomit. Like, it's not, I don't know, I'm just asking for phobia. Wouldn't she be terrified? Not nauseous? I don't know. I mean, she's having some type of real dismal reaction here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe she like just, you know, closes her eyes and like quickly, I don't know dude, it must be a big thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite though is like the famous husband and the not famous wife and then she feels like she needs to have a voice too in social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like one celebrity, I won't say who, was like, you're watching the Superbowl, can I not do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Cause are you British? Is that your background?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys don't tan usually very well. But you look very healthy. That's how lazy I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So these two maniacs live in a quote, nature house with no windows, screens or doors. And they're like, how do we live with the bugs? And they are, they sleep. I don't know if there's another one. Is there another, other videos in there? I just said that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and you know, I've worked in the service industry for years in the beginning, just so you know, like all your favorite restaurants, roaches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rats. It's like, it's just, it's par for the course. Like, if you're, if you're in the restaurant business, chances are there's shit. There's Sherman. It's fucking gnarly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of snakes, like big pythons that'll eat you whole are like little ones that can slither all over you and get in your bed. Like a bed full of snakes, a bed full of roaches or a bed full of rats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How well? No, rats have teeth. They can bite you. Snakes, like little, like a garden snake around the garden snake, they'll like, they'll pile at the foot probably and like, and be in like circles together. So I would do snakes, like not poisonous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's right. So the cicadas, they live underground, so it's cold. And then when it's warm, they like awaken and they come up and out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's before every guest comes on the show I put the can inside of me and I offer it to you. No, no, I'm used to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to bring this up apropos, a discussion we had like a while ago, I brought the idea that Prince Charles was attractive at some point in his life, and I would like to cite


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, if you add the whole package.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to add his sta- well now he's the king, but you have to add his social status and his wealth to the equation because he's a dude. Does anyone see the picture with his fingers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. His cancer worry. Thanks for making fun of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's real. I think the food quality is also very good in America. There's no fake eggs, so like actually it's like really good food, even compared to China. Fake eggs? There's eggs that are fake in China. Shut the front door. Yeah, it looks like a real egg, but it's a chemical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being, being wealthy is so important. It's like Japan in the 70s, when Japan have other cars, they start getting wealthy. They spend so much money buying luxurious goods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in China, the few people are very, very wealthy. And the majority of people are not wealthy. But in China, it's so competitive for men to get a woman because of one child policy. There's way more men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of the people are getting older and also there's way more men at this age is getting married and less women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very hard for them to get married. So they just want to look like they have all the nice things. So competitive to find a wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like in China, because you can make so much money doing business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, some people say 躺賺, laying in bed and making money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are going to have people who is going to benefit us financially. That's always ugly, but that's the truth because you can just make fun of, just attack all the people you hate and just do the talk, but you are not going to treat your son to fight for the war. So your son can die for the people you are righteous reasons. You don't want that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That means you came from nothing, you have many means you are disciplined, you work hard, you have talent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my father was taking me out and my mom just, she just feel like, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm, like, she- Not a prize. I'm from the dumpster. She saved my life. She's my hero. So that's why, like, I, for the longest time, I have no patience for weakness. Like, I was in school in Kentucky, my friends were like, my mom is a bitch. She did not come to my ballet recital twice in middle school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I did not become hot, because I was slouching, I was not confident, I tried to cover my big face with my hair, I was just hiding around in the corners, but I was very good at math, and I was tutoring mathematics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I am a painter, so I start doing makeup for people. I don't know how to do it, but I know how to draw shit on their face. So I just start doing, putting flowers on those, like butterflies on their face. So I start making money doing makeup. I start trying to look like a woman. Then I decided to become a girl. I start showing my face, stop slouching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, uh, become a pretty girl out of the blue. It was crazy. Did you date American men? Yes, I had my first boyfriend, a Kentucky guy, Kentucky boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think he's just like a, he wants to learn Chinese from me, I think that's what he wants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, learn Chinese. Really? Because he wanted to go to Japan and his visa was rejected. Then he's like, okay, I'm just gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To see it. She's like a giraffe in the zoo. It's just, it's crazy. Also, like if you are anything other than Asian, you go to the Great Wall, you are a celebrity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he was just, he was kind of sweet, but then he was cheating on me and I found out. He went to law school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't show anything. Chinese will be like, oh, uh, I don't like how you treat me like this. I don't like the Asian hate. I don't like this. The Indians, you can say whatever you want to me. As long as I'm getting the money, I'm winning. You're loose. They actually have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sold your exam answers? Yes, I have a business. I basically, I have a phone and I sell to subscribers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can go to my hotel room and get some, it's good, scoping alcohol, get your dick hard. And it's so expensive. So I have all the fat guys to flip the rocks for me. We use chopsticks to catch them, put in the drawer and then we sell them. I would get 90% of the money. I give them $10. They buy firecrackers and candies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just feel like the mom, the way my mom treat me, uh, help me to prepare the way the world treat me. And I would react to the way that I think of how my mom, I'll be like, okay, you think I'm a loser. That's cute. I'll show you who's daddy. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After one month, I did a stand up. I was doing open mics. I realized there's not enough time. I want 10,000 hours. So I bought my comedy club on Melrose. She bought her own comedy club time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I drove by, I see a clothing store that's, uhm, for lease. I went inside, they have ugly clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as the lady just gave me this, you know, I'm going to, I'm going to make it into something else. So I ran it into a comedy club. It's like an open mic place. And then on weekends we have four, like four shows a weekend. I got it a month after I, I mean, I did, I started comedy in December and I bought it on January. It opened in two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we are getting a beer wine license. I'm applying. I'm going to take over the next store, uh, to knock it down and just make it bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not know that with the right man you can have both. So that's the only right man I, I just, we, we drift apart. I decided to move to Hollywood. He came to UC Irvine for science. He's a biochemist. So we were living together and I'm like, no, I need to move in Hollywood to become an actress. So we, we had a distance and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was not smart enough to know that's the man who truly loved me because he always encouraged me and he always believed in me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He never really pressured me, but I just feel like, why are you so nice to me? Something's wrong with you. You're not used to that love. Yeah. So now I'm like, oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's traumatized by me, but he's in Denver. I may go there or he has a girlfriend or fiance, but I don't think they're getting married anytime soon. Also, she could die. I hope so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In bed, who has autoimmune disease, I change her diaper. It was brutal, and I drive around a blind lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did? He did, he, literally, he just, uh, he's, I auditioned for him for, um, Rebel. It's a TV show about, uh, uh, this girl, a black girl, she's a cop, and her static kick, static kick is an Asian girl who knows kung fu. It's in, like, uh, like Oakland, the, the movie, the TV show. It's, it's like, uh, it's rush hour with a low budget. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you know, I thought I did good. I got a callback and a second callback and then he saw me. He just, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I was dropping jokes. I just, I just do that. And then he's like, you should do stand-up comedy. He walked over me. He was playing Ali Wong's little clip. He's like, you should do stand-up comedy. You're going to be a star. I just heard that. I was so shocked. I knew who he was. I watched Boys in the Hood. I said, oh my God, thank you so much. Do I have the job now? He said, hell no, bitch. I don't understand the word you said. Get out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he got my number. He actually said, hey, go to an open mic. So he actually followed up with me. We had a general friendship. He was very honest. Like you are not gonna get the roles you want in movies, TV shows. Most people don't take a risk on somebody with a heavy accent who's not already a star. But you are funny if you actually gonna invest time in your talent to develop it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In China there's a thing called Fubuchi. It's like, uh, you cannot afford to lift somebody up because they would ask you to pay for all their medical expenses and funeral expenses because in China we don't have traffic rules. It's about human connection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sense the red light is a suggestion. It's the traffic light is a suggestion. Like, okay, that's cute, but I'm still going to go through it. And, uh, the thing is that if you are jaywalking,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also sometimes, like, if the victim's family, they would block the traffic and, uh, ask tips from all the traffic going through there because they're, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does that mean? Qi gong is like, uh, you use it like, uh, it's like a type of Tai Chi, like you don't feel the pain from the outside world. That's a brick. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's more and more common now, it depends on like how much apartment you have, how many Rolex you have, so you are not wasting your pussy on nothing, cause you can't, that's a great deposit of the investment you are gonna have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think in Japan, they are more sexually educated in a way that sexual education is very important in Japan. But in China, when I was growing up, I was a virgin until I was 20 years old. I was in America because I was doing homework with a boy after school. My mom heard that. She came to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, why do you look like this? Wear something like a whore. Just be like a whore. You know, you have to just go from not a whore and translate into a whore. To get a husband. To get a husband. Because like, you know, be a whore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, then she's like, why would you wear this? You look like a monk. You know? I'm like, you- I don't know how to look like a woman, because I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so in Asia, they just want you to be a virgin, then one day they want you to trap a husband.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She can't say it. She just like a, you know, you are not all bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you just need to, uh, when the moment, like, because in China, we have the rule, uh, as Leonardo, like after you're 25, you expire. Yeah, you are like a, it's an old kind of fish. Get going. Yeah, you need to trap the right guy when you are 25.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a break up fee in China. Break up fee. The guys had to pay a break up fee to break up with a guy who's a girl who's on her prime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, if you are, you are, you have your neighbors, like the Chinese rich guys, they have to pay a very handsome fee, I would say like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, people don't see your credit in China. If you're a rich guy, you dump the girl without marrying her, they would question your character. But if you pay a nice fee, they're like, oh, I'm going to invest in his company because he's a nice man who don't, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, look at his face. His face is like a... You are invading my car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she was, as an emperor, you had to choose a character to describe your dynasty. So she was going through the dictionary in Chinese, like there's nothing that's powerful enough for me. I'm going to invent my own word. So she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that means Zhao, like an internal shine, and then she made it legal for women to read and go to school. It wasn't legal for women to read. She made it legal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How was it like, uh, uh, 2000 years ago?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because, you know, she, she was 14 and her father died of a general and she was very smart. She was educated because her father was a general. So she went to the palace and started tutoring the prince and then she wanted to become.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then he saw that she was very brilliant, so he's like, I'll spare her from dying, but she can go to become a nun, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he ended up taking her back to the palace. And all of the people, like, they are resigning. You are not gonna fuck, like, the old king's woman. Like, you are not gonna marry her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the, the king end up dying, she became the emperor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who loves to dance and can dip you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should know this. Well I know, hold on, it's before, is it Victoria?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Más o menos. Como se dice en español.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to suck and kiss all over your pussy until you squirt in my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to suck and kiss all over your pussy until you squirt in my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My daddy taught me a few things too, like, uh, how not to rip the skin by using someone else's mouth instead of your own hands. Hmm?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry to say that it's a subject that I consider on the bore of the ridiculous for several reasons. The story with the anorexic girls, nobody writes the anorexic. That there's nothing to do with fashion people who have that. They have problems with family and things like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are less than 1% of anorexic girls, but there are over in France, I don't know in England, over 30% of girls


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only fifteen. I don't think that this kind of dialogue is something that will work in fashion. Look, if Twiggy would come today, everybody, too skinny, too this, too this. Twiggy was a girl, everybody wanted to look like Twiggy. Every girl wanted to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are the new lyrics for Baby It's Cold Outside. Oh, they have new lyrics? Yes. They've like rewritten it. Not as- Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we put it up first so there was more hype around it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although I expected her to be tough, I just expected her to show a bit more tiredness. It didn't go the way I wanted, but I was still happy that I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fucking stupid ass bitch tried to fucking tell me, oh yeaah, yeaah. You shouldn't record me when I'm dancing on the dance floor. Bitch, shut the fuck up, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't fuckin' tell me what to do, I'm a goddamn man, stupid asshole. I'll do whatever the fuck I wanna do because I'm a goddamn man. If I wanna record you on the goddamn dance floor, I'm gonna fuckin' record you on the goddamn dance floor. Shut the fuck up and carry on, stupid asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would it be a bad thing for our conversation if I dated men?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not attracted to men. Oh, good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't see anything wrong with it, but I know you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not know, cause like an outdoor dog, that's what I live. I live out in the backyard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, just my experience growing up in my home. My mother, nice stepmothers, plural, never wore a shower cap. So anytime I've ever seen such a thing is in the airport. I would see black women wearing them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just thought maybe like a do-rag, is it cultural appropriation if I start getting into this kind of territory? So I was like, this is not for me. That's okay. That's okay. So a lot of furor over this, the post on Instagram, I saw a lot of comments that I had been misinformed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that shower caps are a cap, it's called a bonnet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and I was misinformed by the CAP report leader.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May I, may I ask too, because look, I have to admit, now that I use a shower cap, I got one on, on Amazon, it showed up, it's got little cute lip marks on it, kissy marks, right? Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now I feel like I've joined the land of the living. I like, I see in color now. My life's so much easier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, I know. I tried to spray tan too with your sister while she was here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't do that and I put a sticker, like on my arm, maybe you can still see it. No, it's already faded. So that you can see exactly how tan your skin got. So it's just like a nice layer and it makes you look thinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the only crazy thing about spray tan bro, is like you can either go naked and like some 20 year old girl


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the crazy part is she goes, okay, turn around, now bend over so they get under your cheeks. And I was like, good thing I wore, cause then you're, but then you're spraying chemicals on your genie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do feel so much better with this tan. I'm gonna try it. I'm gonna try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh, and then she smokes, she's smoking in this documentary and she's like, I really have to quit smoking cigarettes in her mansion in Kenya. And you're like, you smoke cigarettes? She's like, I drink alcohol, I do everything bad and she still looks great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cocaine, cigarettes, bulimia, it still looks great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I look like shit. This bitch, she never packs her lunche and she looks amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, we're just giving our friend a tour of the studio and I just happened to pick up the framed National Enquirer article that came out about why I'm ancient Garth. And I was like, this is probably my most, I'm proudest of all my work in this business for 20 years. It's really that, making it to the National Enquirer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which by the way, Amber Rose is so beautiful. This girl is gorgeous and has made a fantastic living being like, yeah, I'm a slut and doing slut walks in LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's not an argument. He's like, yeah, you're just fucking weird if you're gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it is, I think that men and women are constituted differently such that you going go go go go go makes you feel, makes your shmeckle harder, stronger, happier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and then whereas for me, now that I have children too, it's extremely depleting. So I have to be very selective of what work I do. Yea, that makes sense. Because most of my energy goes to our children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I will say this, before we had kids, I was more like you in that I would love to just grind and fill that hole in my heart.


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[Assistant] Oh, at coal plunging? No, it's for, it's for lesbians and men. We already covered this.


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[Assistant] I didn't know you could be gay and a father. Am I a priest or whatever? What kind of a priest is he? What? And in the Catholic Church, are you allowed to be- He's not Catholic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we, you know, look, not all bicyclists, but some do have quite an attitude about owning, owning the roads where their cars are.


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[Assistant] How did he know? Usually you don't- when I broke my ankle I didn't know.


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[Assistant] Damn, that was terrible. That didn't make me feel any better than the last clip. That made me feel way worse actually. It did?


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[Assistant] I made it. Of course they made it. It's just their cockroaches were cockroaches. There's no such thing as being sick or broken.


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[Assistant] It is a good employee. He should get a fucking raise. Okay. I'm trying to tell you something. Okay. When I worked at Barnes and Noble in like the summer of whatever it was, 96. Yeah. You wouldn't believe the animal shit that human beings do in a bookstore toilet.


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[Assistant] There would always be like a sea of pubic hair on the seats or just big logs like this. People go in and just dump like that. Why don't you flush your dump? Fucking Barnes & Noble.


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[Assistant] I don't know, but then you would get your job for the night for closing and that was like my dreaded job was to clean the toilets at the bookstore. It was, especially after a weekend when people would go to Starbucks.


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[Assistant] But if there's one stall too, it's like one stall, isn't the pressure too much?


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[Assistant] But if there's multiple stalls, like there's one in Pasadena of Romans, that was my safe haven, but there was like multiple stalls. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] You guys are like the sex-positive ladies, sex-positive chicks.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we just played a guy who couldn't believe that another guy was gay. He's like, you're gay? You're really a gay?


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[Assistant] Metal. That's amazing. Do you know, this girl said,


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[Assistant] See, I have a friend that goes, I put my finger all the way in and then I, I jay his D. And I'm like, that is so varsity to me. So I think what you're saying is, is I need to start off very small. Yeah. Like preschool. Like just, just, what if I just tap, tap, and then I'm done. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Sure, sure. Hold on guys, I know you have your own sex toy company. I had the best idea. Okay.


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[Assistant] Do you think you can make like a fingertip? Like a synthetic fingertip that covers my actual finger so that I don't get creeped out by Tom's heat and hair?


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[Assistant] See? This is why we need these ladies to teach me. I don't fucking know. I'm not normal. Do you know I just figured out a shower cap? I've never used a shower cap. I heard about it.


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[Assistant] I'm just scared. But you're telling me alcohol synthetic fingertips.


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[Assistant] It's just so unarousing to have like mommy, like it really takes me. I think in the showers the most.


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[Assistant] But think, what can we do? See, I agree with you. And I do, when I do stand up, I'm like, who here does it? And there's a lot of young girls this generation. Right, no, no judgment.


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[Assistant] Hold on, can I tell you my theory though with really attractive men? Okay, if you're gonna go for like, this guy's like a ten, right? And who's the first guy you mentioned? The Rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. So like, okay, so I just saw the other day I was at lunch and I saw a really attractive man, like a ten. Like a fuckin' rain gosling, like, dude bro, ten. So I was like, dude, this bitch he's with, better be like,


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[Assistant] Can I, can I tell you something though? I like it. I don't- I thought my pussy would dry up, but- Hey! The wings, I can't. Can I tell you why I like it? I actually love the symbolism of Phoenix from the ashes. I'm a sucker for this analogy or whatever this is. I like it.


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[Assistant] I'm a sucker for knuckle tats. That to me says real mental illness, and I really like that.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you why though? Is it cause your real life dad's not a creeper? Cause my real life dad's a fucking creeper and I think that's why I don't feel safe.


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[Assistant] Even remote. He didn't trust me, but he definitely is like, he fucks a lot.


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[Assistant] No, he wasn't into girl, like children, but definitely affects a lot of women. So he's a creepy creeper. So like maybe that's why I can't do- I can't even go here.


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[Assistant] They don't want to know. The only thing, I can't say it, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna be on a show that they watch pretty soon and I'm pumped.


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[Assistant] Okay, he's just been like, shit on by women. He just needs a girl. It's our fault. No, no, no. It's clearly his mental illness, but if you could just be nice to him, I think it would just, eventually, you wouldn't have to do a lot of sex with him. I see that.


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[Assistant] Put it in the holder. Get one of those arms. And also too, I don't like when they drop any sort of courtship etiquette


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[Assistant] It's like, I've tried being nice, and now I'm just gonna put it out there.


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[Assistant] And it started off good. I kind of liked the original pitch of like, let's spend our forever young years together and then it's you jack my dick, I rub your thighs.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's gonna be a creeper until he...


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[Assistant] Another goatee. I love him, I love him. His name is Glendale Gary. I mean, I don't know, I got a soft spot for him maybe because he's an Angelino.


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[Assistant] Like, John just seemed like the least up to range. I think John is uh, schizophrenic.


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[Assistant] Let's put it this way, I was blessed enough to meet my husband early in life, so I don't have a ton of dick range.


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[Assistant] What's a Tumblr for you? Can you give me hand wrappers? Show me with your hands.


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[Assistant] Or even ball chat. We could do dick talk and then ball chat. I love this idea.


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[Assistant] See, that's what we discovered on the show. We just said that. Is that there's a guy out there for everything. You hate about yourself. Some guy thinks it's the hottest thing that's ever happened.


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[Assistant] So, so literally this one goes in your bee hole and this one goes in your meows.


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[Assistant] Uh, it's like East Coast, like it's kinda based in the Philly stuff I grew up with. Okay. Hoagie style. Yeah. Italian deli, Italian American deli. Delicious.


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[Assistant] Yeah, people like them. We're lucky. Uh, people are enjoying it. So it was, it was a pandemic venture.


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[Assistant] I would hope so. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know about this. Yeah, yeah. Please come through. I feel out of the loop.


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[Assistant] It's okay, it's, it's not like, you know, the hot goss.


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[Assistant] It's very, it's very, I'm not, yes, I'm not, I'm not shitting on myself. It's very, it's very nice to do, it's, it's wild, cause it's like, I can't believe we opened a place in New York and it's still open. Yeah. Uhm.


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[Assistant] So it's been a few years you've had it. We started as a pop-up at the stand.


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[Assistant] Uh, the comedy club The Stand, cause Paul owns that, and uhm.


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[Assistant] We started there and we were doing a pop-up during the pandemic. Like there was, when we first started, it was locked down still. You could, you could serve food, but you couldn't have anybody eat in.


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[Assistant] 52 year lease. That's nice. We're in. We're in for good. And uh, that's it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I jacked a trans woman. A trans woman, yes.


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[Assistant] I enjoyed it. Yeah. Ask away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so Skank, it was the inaugural, uh, Legion of Skanks at Skank Fest. It was the one, the episode that starts the whole festival. Yeah. And.


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[Assistant] Uh, she said she, they were doing a contest for, for, to get ring girls or something for, for fights they were doing or something. Right. And she was one of the five finalists and they said, what's your talent? She said, I could suck my own dick if it's erect. Uh, cause she's got quite a piece on her. Oh really? Quite a piece.


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[Assistant] Like a, like a, like a, like a, yeah, like a solid, I don't know who to compare it to.


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[Assistant] So, so this is what happened. So we're on stage.


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[Assistant] And she says she can do this and she goes, but I can only do it if it's erect.


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[Assistant] They said, okay, well great, like, how do we get you hard? Because there was all these hot girls on stage and she was like, and they were like, make out one of the girls, I forget what they said, she's like, no, that doesn't do it for me. A guy will do it for me. And she had DM'd me.


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[Assistant] Nikki, I'm s- I hope this isn't too much. She said, uh, she DM'd me and she said, I wanna suck your cock at Skankfest.


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[Assistant] So I was like, uh, I didn't really respond, not cause I was offended, I just didn't really know what to say. Yeah, he was like,


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[Assistant] And, uhm, I don't take compliments well. Sure. And, uh, so she, uhm, she said, uh, so anyway, that was, I guess, in the ether. We were on stage, and she was kind of like, making, like, flirting, and we were like waving, and she was flirting a little bit with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, 100%. And then she was like, I need a guy to do it. And then I think everybody picked, if I remember correctly, people picked up on that she was kind of looking and talking to me or motioning to me. And Lewis or somebody was like, would you do it with DeRosa?


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[Assistant] And she's like, yeah. And, uh, he was like, okay, if, if Jorosa takes you off stage and you guys go into another room.


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[Assistant] And will you fuck around? If he gets you hard, will you come back out here and do it? And she said yeaah.


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[Assistant] Fucking hungover. I was up the night before.


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[Assistant] This is a true story. I woke, I was woken up.


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[Assistant] At 6am in the corner of a strip club.


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[Assistant] By two Puerto Rican strippers who were two of the hottest women I've ever seen in my life. And they were like, baby, wake up, let's go play. And I went to an ATM and got money out and continued to hang out in the strip club until 7am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got back to my hotel at quarter to eight. I went to bed at 10, 15, my phone rang. Cause I forgot to turn the ringer off. And it woke me up and it was Alex, the producer of Skankfest or Legion of Skanks. And she goes, can you please come do the 12 PM skanks?


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[Assistant] And I was like, well what am I gonna do, be a fucking loser? Like I'm in Vegas, like oh no, I partied too late, I got, I was like I'm here, it's the festival, I'm gonna go. So I got my ass out of bed and I went, and at 11.45 I was like, pour me a fucking whiskey, because we're in the zone right now.


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[Assistant] Well, yeah, no, too little sleep is rough, and too little sleep with a bunch of fucking boos in your system is really rough. It's super rough. So fast forward.


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[Assistant] That's the story I'm gonna tell you. Oh. There was a Montreal... Dude, this is so funny. Canaan. No, no. Well no, Canaan was...


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[Assistant] Do you remember the night, wait, were you with us when we went Nate Poutine with Kanaan?


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[Assistant] It sucks, but it's really funny. And he knocked my McDonald's to the ground, and then I believe jumped up and landed on it with his feet, like to make it like you're not eating this.


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[Assistant] Where you were there, but you weren't performing, you were just there hanging out. In Montreal? Yes. At the festival? You went up, it was the year of my short movie, remember when me and Bobby Kelly and Bill Burr did Cheat? What? That short film?


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[Assistant] That was like one of the earliest years I was ever there. So it was early. It was early for both of us. And you were there, you were there, and you were just kinda hanging out. Okay. Like, just hanging out. That seems weird to me.


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[Assistant] Did you go, you never went to Montreal just to spend time at the festival? No. Definitely not.


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[Assistant] Oh, I got a different fucking person. Yeah, there's another fat guy with a beard probably. Whoever it was, I remember thinking to myself, this is what would have made it a great story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, me and Bobby Kelly and Bill Burrow wrote a movie. A short film that I directed. It was called Cheat. It was a comedy.


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[Assistant] Like a heist, the joke, the gag of the movie is it's a heist, it's a guy trying to cheat on his girlfriend while she's out of town for like a 12 hour window.


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[Assistant] And he has all these obstacles to get through because he's got a nosy doorman and blah blah blah. He's gotta get her out by a certain time. Okay. His girlfriend comes back early, like, and it's like a heist movie.


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[Assistant] Yes. Yeah, cause I remember, I remember you had just...


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[Assistant] Like 20, probably 12. It was like, I don't think it was 15. It might have been 15, I don't think it was. But it was like when uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, I think, I don't know a lot about this, but I think transvestite also could mean like, I don't think they identify as a woman in any way.


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[Assistant] We're not, first I said, can we bring another girl and do like a three? And she was like, no, I'm not into chicks. And I was like, alright.


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[Assistant] So I said, okay, let's, let's do it. I go, but we're going to walk out of here. We have to be in another room. Cause at first they're like, go behind this curtain. I was like, are you crazy? I'm like, I'm not doing this on the air. And, um, so we found like a private room, uh, very much off camera. And that was, that was that, uh, we just, you know, hooked up.


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[Assistant] She gave me a blow job. That's awesome. And a hand job. And I 100% had to know.


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[Assistant] 100%. But she didn't. So I got her and she was like, she's like, dude, we're so far from the stage. She goes, I don't know if this is going to stay up. And we tried. We really tried to make a run for it. But they were like, somebody was knocking on the door like, dude, you guys have to come back. You can't be up here any longer. Like we have to end the show.


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[Assistant] There were a lot of factors. And then she lost it. She lost it. But we did our best and all parties were happy.


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[Assistant] From what I know about how Bert tells the story and how Joe tells the story,


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[Assistant] Both are 100% right. And they're just telling it from each other.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah. It's like a fucking Scorsese movie. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. You know, like with competing storylines. But like, the uhm,


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[Assistant] I was with Bert, we went to that sushi place, and he bought like, or it was a Thai place that also had sushi, and he bought


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember we were inside, Bert and I were in such a good mood because we were already buzzed, we were drinking, like we were feeling good.


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[Assistant] I, I showed up as a surprise. I told them I wasn't coming to the bachelor party and then I showed up with a tray of shots at a bar, like I pretended to be the waiter and like, it was like, I was riding, I was walking on fucking air. We were feeling so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and Bert and I were in that sushi pla- in that place when we were waiting for the food and we were so hungry and they were like, do you want some sushi while you wait?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I already knew, yeaah, cause we had Joe on taste buds, and I already knew Joe only eats like three things. And their fucking Pad Thai wasn't gonna be one of them.


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[Assistant] Uh, and I was just like, and Joe, but then, but the reason I'm saying they're both accurate is because from Joe's side, Joe came down to pick us up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so that's, that's, I think, I think it's fair.


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[Assistant] Yes. And then they went outside on the balcony to talk it out and they were out there and it was like, it was like being in a zoo and watching. Cause we couldn't hear what they were saying, but you could just see the energy. You could see that it was not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if it looked like a fight, it just didn't look like they were having a pleasant talk. But they worked it out. They did, it was fine, they worked it out, that, they came inside being like, alright dude, cool, I'm sorry too, I'm sorry too. And that was it, that was the end of it.


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[Assistant] I have to, he's co-hosting with me, he filled in for Sal. And I go to, I go, dude, I have to pee so bad I can't hold it anymore. So I'm gonna leave the room, you take the steering wheel.


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[Assistant] When you say that, that means that's it, you can't do anything fucked up. Not because, oh it's a rule, it's because I'm already beating you to the punch of knowing you're gonna do something fucked up. So it doesn't count now. So just don't do it. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] It's like when somebody's like, oh, I was fucking with you, and you go, remember when I said immediately you're fucking with me? Yeah, yeah. And you just kept doing it to the point of exhaustion? So anyway, uhm. What did he do? Well, at the time, I thought nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the night before the episode came out, uh, uh, Mike Lavin, Homeless Pimp, who was, at the time was our producer, sent us a clip, and he goes, hey guys, uh, I just wanna know if you approve this or not, or want me to cut it out of the show.


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[Assistant] Well, I go, what? He goes, Ari got kinda wild. I go, what?


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[Assistant] And he sends the clip of me going, please don't do anything. I leave. Ari takes down his pants.


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[Assistant] And then of course I come back in and sit in the chair and I was like, cut that out of the fucking show that's not going out.


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[Assistant] Well, I get it, dude. They're not quite as nuanced as saying Kobe Bryant deserved to die, but you know, dude, we're, we're all kind of different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, I said, one of my last meal picks is a taco kit. I go, I love, it's one of my favorite foods on earth. She didn't know what taco kits were. Thought I'd made them up. I'd actually never heard- Am I lying?


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[Assistant] They have different kinds of kits, but the traditional kit is 12 shells, a packet of seasoning for the meat, and then a packet of sauce. I don't use the sauce, I use my own hot sauce. This meat, obviously the seasoning is for-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] East Coast was late to the game on that. East Coast was, was like really for a while. It was the kit. And that's why I didn't know what good taco sauce was because, or even good hot sauce I mean, because I would just had that shit that came in the kit. And then when I started to learn about different hot sauces and I was like, I actually like this better.


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[Assistant] I like the green, a little too vinegary for me. Sometimes. But I like it. You know, Chilolo makes taco seasoning now. What? Yeaah. They're new to the game, but they're making seasoning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like making a Big Mac yourself with real ingredients. You're like, oh my god. Like, you know, so, um, not that I don't love Big Macs or Taco Bell, but- Do you frequent Taco Bell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't frequent fast food at all anymore. Um, because, um, I just had to, I had to start sort of getting my shit together. We talked about this, the mothership. So I started doing testosterone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How you feeling? I feel great. Good. And it tightened my body up. I don't work out yet. I've lost some weight. Good. I eat less. I eat better. Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the testosterone is no joke. Last time I saw Hinchcliffe, I go, I go, dude, I'm on testosterone, man. And he goes, is it working? And I go, yeah. And he goes, it's not even fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very paranoid. Why? Because with, not because of your podcast, just with podcasts in general.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like we're all on them all the time. Yeah. And we're all, I'm losing sight of the lines of private conversations, which is what was said on air, which wasn't what maybe don't you want me to repeat publicly, but I don't know. But isn't there also a thing too where like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me rephrase. Then, I'm more paranoid now about talking when the person isn't present. Oh, I hear you. Because I'm like, oh shit, should I not have said that? I don't know. I found that weirdly, especially as we all


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[Assistant] Or like, no, no, no, that's my no-no. I don't go for that. And you're like, Oh, I would have thought that you wouldn't give a fuck about that at all. You know what I mean? So I don't know. That's why when I say paranoid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would eat a whole, uh, I would eat a whole Entenmann's raspberry, uh, uh, what's that called? Entenmann's. The raspberry. What's the raspberry?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The raspberry twist, yeaah, the one that's like the, it's like the, that one.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I like it. I like it. There's very few foods that I'm like, pass. But yeah, I like Middle Eastern food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fairly, fairly, unless, unless it's-


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[Assistant] I wish I was a little more adventurous. What do you like, shut down? What do you go like, uh-uh? I was in China, and I couldn't fuck with the smelly shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so weird. So, my friend Paul Chell, who's in my band with me, Salsa Windfall, uhm. Your fucking band?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Paul and I write everything and, uh, I do the primary vocals and he plays guitars and I do a lot of the drum programming and, uh, it's, it's like, it's fun. It's like odd pop. Anyway, we might come back in the, in the early spring to do a show in,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Austin, if anybody's interested, you can go to my website, whatever. Awesome. Anyway, uhm, and let us know. But anyway, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he wouldn't, he was like, he was like, I drew the line, I can't. He goes, I just couldn't do it, it was too-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you go, did you at least go to the meal? Like, did you go to where the seal was and go, I'm not gonna eat any?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I was, the one place I really wish I was more adventurous, the gross stuff I can live without, uh, hot food, something that's too, like hot ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honestly don't even know if I could do it. If I ever got invited to do it. I just can't. The, the, it's the side effects of hot food where I'm like, I just don't, it just freaks me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it too. I, I, not anymore, but yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're good. But what's, what, who sent you another?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Food picks that you wanted to challenge. Was it just the topic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what I will say. First of all, you didn't even have Shake Shack growing up in Cali.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what I said to Rob, and this is what I said to Sal when we battled McDonald's versus Wendy's. I was like, if we're going to talk fast, and I was McDonald's, I go, if you were going to talk fast food, don't bring some shit in my face that I can make at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can make a Shake Shack burger at home or something that tastes like a Shake Shack burger. You get a Whopper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was my other argument. I go, dude, wha-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There, there's, there's like three titans, maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In and out is, in and out is useless to me. And here's why. It's a good burger. It's a good burger. Fries are, the fries are inedible. The fries taste stale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Massively overcooked. They're chewy dude. They're not like- What's your favorite fry?


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[Assistant] I'm not a big, I don't like the seasoning on curly fries. Really? I used to be. I used to be. But, but, but, but. Hold on, we're going too fast here.


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[Assistant] Well, I would speak to that by saying, when I get a Burger King craving,


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[Assistant] She's amazing. I have a, I have a, I have a sign in my house.


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[Assistant] There's two McDonald's foods that I still like cold.


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[Assistant] The advance towards quality of McDonald's where they're trying to like kind of clean it up. I don't like that. I don't care for it. I think it affects...


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[Assistant] I never promised you a rose garden, uh, is the name of the tour and the show I'm doing. Oh, that's a great title. Thank you very much. Uh, I'm on the, I'm on the mothership this weekend, but thank you Austin for packing the shows. There's no tickets left, but I got.


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[Assistant] Hey everyone, tickets are now available on pre-sale everywhere for my new tour, Come Together, with the code word Tommy. Get your tickets at TomSagura.com slash tour. This week on Your Mom's House.


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[Assistant] Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House.


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[Assistant] And then just diarrhea so much, feels so sick. But I was like, yeah, but I was tired and naive like that.


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[Assistant] I don't care if my toe's broken, I'm running today. That's what I'm saying, dude.


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[Assistant] You think you're tired? Stay up. That's what he says. Don't sleep. I've fucking, I've, I've completely now morphed into like,


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[Assistant] I need full clearance for 48 hours after.


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[Assistant] No, it's better the foreigner cause we had a foreigner visiting. I had a foreign cousin visiting and all those little things come up, um, about even about eating, right? Cause he's like.


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[Assistant] He sat down last night for dinner, he's like, it's so much food, so much food. And I go, what?


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[Assistant] He's like, you eat so much for dinner. So much food. And I was like, oh yeaah, that's right. They really do have a better system.


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[Assistant] We're all much fatter. They have this, their system there is like, breakfast is pretty much like, it's kind of close to American in a way, like they'll have fruit, eggs, you know, but not...


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[Assistant] Reasonable breakfast, then you work up to, you know, you're busy, then it's like lunch, okay.


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[Assistant] Party at lunch. It's like multiple courses. Their dinner is like sensible and small, which is good because you end the day, right?


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[Assistant] We ran into, uh, uh, their friends. His friends.


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[Assistant] Collared, you know, button down shirts with like wild patterns on them.


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[Assistant] And I was about to bust their balls. Like I just met them. I was about to be like, would you guys go fucking get the same stupid shirt together? And as like, as I was about to see it, I was talking to, I was like just looking at them and I was like, oh, they're not, this isn't funny to them. Like they're.


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[Assistant] They go for it, they like, they're like, the clothes have to make a statement.


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[Assistant] Polo, very nice stuff, yeaah. Very good Prada, nice Italian stuff, yes. Good. Make a bigger sign, let's say, so people know.


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[Assistant] They all rap, they don't even talk to you, they all rap at you.


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[Assistant] Yeah, different culture. Africa. Yeah, that's true.


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[Assistant] Cologne. Cologne. I realize that America has a different relationship with Cologne.


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[Assistant] They are right, the foreigner. Cause what is cologne at its core? It's just a thing that makes you, it just smells better. No one's against smelling better. The reason that I think Americans


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[Assistant] End up going like, I don't want cologne is because of people's excess of it. So in other words, if you're overwhelmed by it, then you're like, I don't want anything to do with that.


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[Assistant] But if it's put on in the right amount, that's very pleasant, right? Like it's a pleasant thing to smell better. No one's against...


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[Assistant] There's good stuff, like anything, and then there's the shitty stuff. Yeah. And the shitty stuff has this more, it hits you harder. Terrible. Oof, it's so strong. Oh my god, there's this great scene. Bitches like this shit.


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[Assistant] It looks like somebody has not listened to themselves and put their feet on the ground and take off running like he says to do.


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[Assistant] But he's, he actually really is about a good time, right? He's just like, come over.


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[Assistant] I'll throw some steaks on the grill. Maybe at night. There'll be a little skinny-dipping volleyball game going on. I don't have to be involved, I'm just gonna, I want you to have fun.


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[Assistant] These 15 bikini models are here and they heard that they can swim in your pool.


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[Assistant] It is cool. He's sharing his fantasy. I'll tell you what's actually very cool.


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[Assistant] We have been working on something, uh, we've talked about it a little bit and now we can tell you a little bit more.


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[Assistant] We are going to be having our first special


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[Assistant] We've done Two Bears Live, those have been really fun. We did something, we've been working on something different that's gonna come out, uh, December 15th. The pre-sale will start in a few weeks and it's our first time doing this. It's gonna be a special event and it's called


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[Assistant] 69 minutes. Everybody's working very hard on it.


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[Assistant] The idea is of course, you are familiar with the news magazine show from CBS 60 minutes, which has been airing for many, many years. We have decided to do our own version where we will tackle real issues, important issues.


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[Assistant] Some of them are YMH issues, some of them are broader, just world issues. And we decided to attack it with some of our most famous and fun people that we know. That's right, Tom. Uhm, this special event, 69 Minutes, will include appearances by Charo.


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[Assistant] Uh, Matteo Lane, uh, Stavros, Sickler, Joelis, Are You Garbage? They're all participating in this. Uhm, we put a lot into the production. Uhm, I'm tackling...


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[Assistant] Really important issues to myself, uh, like washcloths.


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[Assistant] We'll finally get an answer and then I am even taking a very special trip to New York City in the hopes


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[Assistant] of reconnecting with one Robert Paul Champagne and so


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[Assistant] That has been, uh, our focus. Christina's doing other pieces. There's a whole bunch of us are involved. Brian Simpson's doing stuff with us. Danny Brown. It's, it's everyone's involved. So we're very excited about it. I just want you to know we've been working on this thing


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[Assistant] For months and it will debut in December and we're all very excited.


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[Assistant] Yeah, 60 minutes is like, oh, the fucking spies are out. Like, whatever. Who cares? Wars. This is the real shit. Yeah. This is real stuff.


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[Assistant] Guess what it's all about you guys? Revenue is down. Revenue is down. And Victoria's Secret was like, Oh, wait a minute. Our inclusivity and diversity focus isn't translating to dollars.


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[Assistant] The Victoria Secret brand is this. It's Naomi Campbell in a bra.


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[Assistant] And panties and heels. That's what the fucking brand is. Like Bud Light, the reason they fucked up and their brand took such, cause they went way on the outside of what they're known for and they're like, we're this now, we're inclusion. And everyone's like, huh?


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[Assistant] Money went down, now they're like, oh wait a minute, just kidding, that's not who we are. Yea, it never was who you were.


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[Assistant] This is, this is what it is. This, this photo right here, uh, if you scroll down a little bit, you see this? That is what Victoria's Secret is known for in a nutshell. It's genetic anomalies.


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[Assistant] Like, people who you'd never see walking around. That's right. In the bra and panties and going, does this make your dick hard? And women, do you wish you looked like that? Yes. It's a fantasy. It's supposed to be. It's supposed to be a fantasy. It's not supposed to be, oh cool, cellulite, everyone has it. Not in Victoria's Secret.


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[Assistant] Where they have the, now they have the runway models, like, on crutches, and they're like, here, here's this fucking chick who lost her leg, and you're like, what the fuck?


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[Assistant] We know why you come here. These are the fries! We want the fries! We want the fries.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's so weird to have. It's so weird, so dumb.


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[Assistant] You're not supposed to give participation awards in business. Business isn't about participation trophies. It's about merit based, you know, earnings. You get what you get because it's good. This whole thing of like, here's a downs girl in a bra and panties. It's like, what are you doing to people?


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[Assistant] He's like, I do my makeup too. Oh, now I know it's safe to be in this store.


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[Assistant] No, I know. You wanna look like a beautiful model. Like Marilyn Monroe!


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[Assistant] My favorite part of this is that everyone uses the pronouns that you think they use. So it's not necessary to announce them.


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[Assistant] No, they don't, that's totally different, that's orientation.


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[Assistant] No, I gotta get out of this. It's just too much. Uhm, I'll do something fun.


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[Assistant] You're like an idiot. You're like get out of here, stupid.