[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't, I knew that I was going to have a career. I'm like, man, I'm so dedicated to this. I'm going to be fucking famous and I know it, but I was like not convinced if I wanted to, uh, have my name be Steve-O. I thought, man, is that going to like, is it going to be, am I not going to be legitimate because I have this goofy name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so, so during this Freak of Nature contest, I, uh, I'm like, now I'm gonna breathe fire, and it was just like, had nothing to do with anything, it was a separate deal, but I clicked the lighter, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, and I, it was the most like interesting thing because I thought, wow, I have like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like I can get up and have people blow fireballs off my head using it as a torch. Yeah. So it became this whole just fire mania. And uh, and that was how I ended up burning the skin off half my face and end up becoming endeared to Big Brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was another thing with my diver buddies, that these guys were distinctly world class. You know, they were the best at landing in water, as you can get. And when I would come to them with like my new video, like, oh, check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, off three story, I'm like, dude, I found a pool that's only four feet deep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I was super drunk and on pills and I was at a keg party and I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told this chick who I was trying to impress, I was like, I'm going to be this rad stuntman and, you know, like, imagine this, like, a fight scene on a balcony, because we were standing on the balcony of the second floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I pretended to get punched and just threw myself off the balcony. In a way, like, I used to throw myself off that balcony all the time, and I had it pretty dialed in. But in this case, for the first time, while really drunk and fucked up, I was trying to like, pretend I was being punched, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uhm, like I was pretty clear on what had gone wrong in that instance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Right. And, and, you know, I always would, would stay just for fun. You know, like, what's your, you know, people ask, what's your worst injury? You're like, oh, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, now I'm much more professional. The thing was that, uh, all of my, like, really bad injuries...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The side of the pool, you know, just the side of the pool. And I would do it on the diving board and I was like, no, I want to learn how to do it on flat ground. So I would do it on the side of the pool into the pool, but I had no rotation to make it. So then I went, uh, while I was like hitchhiking cross country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I was, uh, I wasn't hitchhiking, I wasn't traveling with a dude who had a van. But, uh, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we were in Colorado and there was snow and so like one of these like generators, like, uh, you know, like if it was for air conditioning or generators, something, big metal box in the parking lot. And I would do that off into the snow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I started to dial it in a little bit and I got good enough where I could do it off of like a picnic table. But I needed to be a little higher up to get the rotation. And what it was was the divers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and sorry, but the real achievement with the backflip was uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sexy dance a little bit, you know, pull down my pants, take off my shirt, and there I'm in my boxers. With my hands up in the air, I thrust my hips back and forth, back and forth, and then on the backswing, I jump up,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thrust myself and jump up into a mangina. And once I land it, then I rip down the boxers to reveal the mangina. It's a pretty cool acrobatic thing. I call it a double back. But I actually invented the double back back flip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. I don't think so. And for my part, I didn't give a fuck about money because I did not see any possible way that I would live to be 30 years old. Really? I believe you. I believe you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to fuckin' really be a, a, a big, a big odds, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that actually, like, you know, it's, it's, I, I used to try it and it was like, I really think there's something there. But like, the premise is that I think our human experience, that our, our condition as human beings is just a fucking awful prank on us. You know, the, the, like, it must be evidence that God


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we have only one instinct, which is to survive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? We're in a fucking pickle over here. And so as humans, it's like, okay, we're in this fucking awful situation where the one fucking thing that we don't want to happen is all we can count on, and that sucks. So the only real purpose in our dilemma is to wrap our fucking head around our mortality. So it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I wanna live forever. I'm gonna have like videos that like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that make people laugh, that distract them from their fucking shitty day, that like make me somehow important, like potentially forever. And that was like my whole deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just like a hustle and hurry to try to pack my message into the bottle. You know? And I didn't give a fuck about my lifestyle. I didn't give a fuck about anything except being the most absurd


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before doing that, I wanted to document enough stuff that I might be discovered posthumously. Like, I wanted to be the- Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have, like, a real hell of a book that's, uhm, got, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and like, and I keep everything like, pretty fucking reasonably priced on myself. Like, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It ties into the, the tour that I'm on now, which is called the Bucket List Tour. And what it is, is like, I've been doing the stand-up for, uh, approaching nine years of consistent touring. And gradually, like, my worlds have converged. Like, my first special was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on Amazon Prime. It's called Guilty as Charged. And I intermittently did stunts at pertinent story points in the act on stage. But it was just stand up. And then as I put together my second hour, I thought like, oh my god, one night my head exploded while I was performing. I thought, fuck, all these stories that I'm telling in this act, like largely all fucking happened on camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so what if I taped my next special, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In post, edit in the footage of the stories I'm telling, so it's this multimedia stand-up act illustrated by the footage. I was like, oh my god, so I started, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I naturally addressed the things that drove me fucking crazy and made my stand up so infinitely better. Yeah, sure. And uhm, then I taped that, that last special and then for the next one I was like, you know, I don't wanna, I don't, I wanna mix multimedia with stand up. I wanna mix footage in, but I don't wanna be telling old stories anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I decided for my new tour I'm gonna do all new shit and it's gonna be so fun cause the bar is so high. And when it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To figure out what to do was not difficult at all because I've had this list of stunts which I call the bucket list and it's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thought I would, I never planned to go anywhere near, like the vasectomy Olympics. It was just absurd, like, well yeaah, like, you know, I'll get on a horse and go galloping around bareback, like, after I get a vasectomy, you know? Like, whatever, I did all this crazy shit, but uhm, there was, uh, like, to, to take on trophy hunting, there was, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought if I, like these people, why do they murder the animals? Why, why not use tranquilizer darts and let the fucking thing wake up if you really want your douchebag photo with the corpse?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so then I wanted to do a stunt getting shot with tranquilizer darts and I was like one of my buddies and I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I almost went crazy, but then it struck me that, that, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had so many surgeries and sobriety, so many like endoscopies, like so many procedures where I got knocked out with general anesthesia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bunch of times, and I've never relapsed over that. So I felt very comfortable changing the idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the general anesthesia challenge, where I changed the plan to it's just me on a bicycle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an act about, the whole stand-up act is just these ideas that are so fucking absurd that they're perfect for stand-up comedy, and after each bit I screen it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So one of the bits, one of the bits which, which, uh, I had on my list forever and I was so excited about was based on the premise that because women can paint their boobs and just cruise around like nobody's offended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I went straight to, I should be able to paint my dick and do whatever I want. So I was like, okay, now like, how do I do this? And I think, okay, painting, painting my dick, like, what's the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I thought, okay, something with spandex, because like, so then I thought, okay, the cyclist suit, the bit's gonna be cyclist. So I put together this hardcore cyclist suit, and uh, you know, with the helmet, the spandex shirt tends to be bike, but we painted on the shorts, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like before, like, I'm all decked out, paint job's done, we're ready to go, we got all the gear, and uh, I got my girl to take a photo of me, like hoisting up the bike, you know, just cause I looked fucking so great and saw this photo and I was, I was just so proud of it. And I texted it to Johnny Knoxville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, uhm, Echo Park, kinda. Uhm, a little bit in the Hollywood Hills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, that is the most layered fucking just genius bit from like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, this kid just like, he's just sitting there, he's just like, this is the greatest thing he's ever heard, and he looks at me and he goes, dude,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, I did, and I fucking screened this. I screened footage of me naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I got my uh, my road manager, you know, co-producer calling up. We got this great idea. We really think it's gonna bring a lot of attention to your business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, that's, that was like a 24 hour Instagram story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think so, yeaah. Uh, I believe so. So now we have to narrow it down to all fucking 20, er, which of the 20 to do it with. And, uh, this one fucking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they hold the fucking world record for the most naked jumps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the funniest part of the bit is just like the experience, because it got so intense when like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Maybe 10, but I'm not trying to do that. No one's trying to do that. So, and another advantage I had is that uhm, I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm excited to see the DVD player. I'm backed up. I've taken dick pills. Like, you know, I'm- I came prepared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing was that before we took off, they said, okay, now you're gonna have to, there's a two minute window for the jump. Because before or after the two minutes, like, we're not over the drop zone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, it's threadin' the needle over here. Man, I gotta fuckin' do this within the space of two minutes. And I thought about it and I was like, okay, like, give me one minute's notice before the two minutes starts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just, cause it was this blow job scene that I just thought was like, I saw a few seconds of it and I was like, oh my god, I haven't watched porn in so long, this is gonna be like, that's just gonna do it for me so easy, but that wasn't my experience, like we said, I'm like fucking jacking it and it's just not like working, so I'm like, fuck man, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm burning time. I don't have time for this. It's gotta work. And so I think if I hit visual fast forward, then that's gonna like scoot, you know, like, but maybe I'll get to something that it'll get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing was I hit visual fast forward and now I'm trying to fucking whack off to a sped up blowjob and that's like super not any easier. So I'm like, and I'm like, fuck, and so I'm more lube and I'm like, I just gotta take a gamble. You know, like I hit skip track and then like who knows what I'm gonna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the next chapter started with this fuckin', like, obnoxious, like, up close shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, uh, I was actually just about resigned to just saying, hey, you know, it's funny that I even tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm too much of a gentleman to explain what it was on the DVD that like really did the trick for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this huge fucking, uh, enormous cock coming in and out of this woman's butt, alright? And that's not my thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I don't know, I'm not even into anal, but like, what it was, was that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's just a, uh, it's like, eh, the show is like part jackass movie premiere, part stand-up comedy show, like just this, I have, I've always had an approach to my stand-up where I don't like seek to emulate anybody, you know? It's just like authentic, about like, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like on some level, like kind of self-conscious about like, you know, I'm Steve-O the jackass dude and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in hindsight, I think I did myself a disservice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are some, there's really only like two people that like spoke up about like, no I don't approve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sort of, yeaah. And I don't even like, you know, I want to bring him up and, and, and both of those people like have since like, you know, even uh, acknowledged that that was silly. Okay, well that's good. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I think that there's such a consensus of people who don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think of me as an articulate, thoughtful, or funny guy, but rather just this thoughtless maniac.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that the whole, the death wish thing is actually like, uh, flipped on its head, because I think that, like, with the, this mortality complex, which I believe is just inherently human, like, like the mortality, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm mad at mortality, like I'm mad at mortality because of this fucking catch-22 human condition and so almost like acting out and like fuck you, mortality, like I'll show you, like I'll pretend as if I didn't even care and I'll do stuff that seems like I'm gonna die and you know, when in fact like, there's no part of me that has ever had a death wish. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The animal on Dodo, like, you know, but on mine, like, a couple times, 25, it all had like 100 million views.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know when this goes up, but uh, I know from when we're recording this tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been to four different countries, 21 different states. She's got her own bit on, uh, uh, in my, on my bucket list tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a pretty classic bit where I make fun of service dog vests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If she wasn't so perfectly suited for it. She's never made a sound in public. She's never, uh, peed in a hotel room or on an airplane. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hub for all things stevo is stevo.com. There's all the links to any social media that you type it in. I'll have the little verification check mark. This uh, Wendy video will be exclusively on YouTube embedded on my website and uh, it'll pop up on Facebook at some point down the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, thank you man. It's uh, I'm also working on getting my own podcast going too. Good, you should. Yeah. I uh, I felt like self-conscious and self-conscious. I felt like uh, reluctant to sort of jump on the bandwagon. Like in my mind, I'm like, fuck every...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That fucking asshole has a podcast. Like, like, you know, like, of course not you guys, because I've, I've promised myself many times is I fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was able to wrap my head around it because I said if I have an angle on it, then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just stop. Do the YouTube shit where like it's great YouTube content. Do a podcast where it's a podcast and don't try to mix the two because you're making like lesser versions of both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By like being, by driving around trying to do a podcast, you limit the podcast and like if you're gonna go do awesome shit, just do the awesome shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I appreciate that a lot man, and I do owe it to sobriety man, like, I know a lot of people who have been letting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of years slip through their fucking fingers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm so grateful that I, that I personally suffer from alcoholism so badly that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It got so bad, I absolutely had to address it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think that it would be a living fucking hell to just have alcoholism bad enough that it doesn't have to urgently stop, it can continue. But I have it bad enough to interfere with my relationships, like impede my ambitions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to see you on the road. I do a free meet and greet after every single one of my shows, which is like borderline masochistic, but insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never been a pimp, but I have received money from prostitutes. Does that make sense? I mean, because just out of like love and admiration, is that why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somewhat, in a couple of instances, it was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grateful, like just being grateful. I learned things from you. Uhm, one girl gave me a complete stranger, walked up and gave me $1,800 bills and said, one line she said, you the reason why I'm hoing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and it's not sincere, like prostitutes really have been flirting with me like, like I went on a date with a chick one night and we went to breakfast at like 5 in the morning and I didn't know she was a ho- she was a very nice looking young lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was questioning me a lot. I'm like, why the fuck are you asking all these questions? And she got offended. She's like, she's like, I thought she, I thought this was like an interview. I thought, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? And I'm like, oh you're a, oh, oh, oh. You know, so things like that had happened periodically throughout my life and I think uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hang around so many pimps. I grew up around it. I really felt like it was an alternative choice as far as career options. But my parents really wanted me to go to college. They weren't super happy about the rap thing, but then they would have been really upset about the pimp thing if that happened. So uhm, along the way,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I learned a lot. Cause I would, I would actually study.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different thing, literature and stuff about pimping, you know, shit like Iceberg Slim. Just a lot of, it's a lot of shit out there that you can read on top of two short albums and, and you know, two short songs. You can go out there and really study.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What this pimp thing is. And it's not, it's, you know, the ugly side of it is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The abuse and the, you know, forcing of a woman to do things she doesn't want to do, the physical abuse, that's, that's the ugly side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prime candidates would be like, okay, you're in Las Vegas and you had a few hoes and slowly but surely you lost all your hoes. You wake up one day, you got no hoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's known, it's a known fact, you can jump on the highway, like maybe the 15, drive up to Salt Lake City, and, you know, it's just a great place to find hoes, you know what I mean? Why Salt Lake City?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a lot of cases strippers are like working every night making two, three hundred dollars. Bullshit money, yeaah. So you pull up in there in like some fly ass car with some fly ass jury asking questions like, how long you been dancing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm painting a bigger, better picture than everything that's going on in your life. And then I'm also informing you how, no, not right off the back though, but the numbers are really great. They're really great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm also establishing one thing that you don't fucking have great money managing skills. You don't. Because you're in a fucked up position right now. You really drive a fucked up car, you live in a fucked up place, and I don't. You stupid ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There have been times, I don't know the economic state right now, but I'm pretty sure, I'm pretty sure it's pretty good now. Cause it seems like a good time in the, in the country. As far as economics, people having money. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want five grand. No, I'm saying what do you want things? What do you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take you to the strip club. Strip clubs are rough. For like rookies. And you come back, bitches are mean to you. You can't get none of the special favors that the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They put me on the stage when no money's out there, like just all kind of shit. And you're just like, you're like, this is bullshit. So what, what I would do is I would, uhm, tell you to go out on a date with a friend of mine's girlfriend. Just go, just go hang with her and watch what she does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's going to take you to a hotel room and a guy who's already been pre-arranged is going to come in and pay you guys two grand just to like dance or party and hang out with him. And you might be expecting to have sex with him. He's going to be like, oh, I just wanted to party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he gives you two grand and you come back to me and go, I made a fucking thousand dollars for doing nothing. I love this shit. Oh, it's brilliant. There's a thousand scenarios that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then there's the other side too where you're coming from a really fucked up situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like piece of shit, people are doing bad things to you in the house you live in, you fucking hate your life. And you like just quickly go, Blackpimp, take me away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this. And I know some dope white pimps too. I don't mind, I like you. Are there really dope white pimps? Yea, I mean it's logic bro, it's like logic. I do the shit musically entertainment, I find the humor in it, I make it educational but also


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're pimps of the hoe. You might be like, bitch I got a job for you. And then she's gonna throw you a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know this? That is the best way to become a pimp is to actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find yourself with a real hoe. Like, before, before you even, when you're a rookie pimp, you get a veteran hoe. Oh, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then uhm, just get your feet wet and then she'll probably like bring you a couple of- a real hoe can make a pimp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She can like pick you like you look like you could be a pimp. You kinda got the swag. Do this, dress like that, drive like that. When you walk in the room, act like that. Then she go get two other hoes and say, I got the greatest pimp in the world. Be with him. Next thing you know, you went from nobody to walking around with three hoes and they bringing you. How much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you look at your guy, he might be like flamboyant, and he's buying you a BMW and buying him a Rolls Royce. You're like, my BMW's nice, but look what he got. And he's the big boss, and you know, they get mad a lot too. I always get mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in my case, I party a lot. So I get a random phone call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there'll be like noise in the background. And I'm like, hello?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh you fucking partying, I'm out here, I just ran from the fucking police and you're partying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True weed alone can get you really hornier than normal, but Benadryl, take about 10, 12 Benadryl before you wanna have your sexual fun with your partner or whatever you do or masturbate. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But an hour later when you feel it just kicking in, smoke your weed down. And then, go ahead and get horny. And I promise you it'll be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just gonna say, he said, we up outta here. Oh, we up outta here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mom's house clips. So youtube.com slash your mom's house clips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, our five favorite songs of the year, just to kind of roll the episode out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's what I like to do and I always, always try to be honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's perfect, literally that's beautiful. Go ahead, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Light trash, come to this side. If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in a vehicle now. Just got done shopping. Okay. Have a great day everyone. I'll do another video when I get home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My nanner, my nanner, my nanner. It's ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey princess, you look down. Are you okay? Did somebody hurt you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] September 5th, Milwaukee at Turner Hall Ballroom. September 6th, Chicago, Atalia Hall. September 7th, The Wilbur in Boston. October 3rd, Frith- Frith- Frith- Frith- Frith-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] October 3rd through 5th, Nashville, and then Seattle, Portland. Tickets at Christina P online. Keep your jeans up. Alright. Are you doing your homie dance?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, did you know that there is such a thing as red hair Jews? Like that's a thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Took a little time. You were on the road for seven days. It was horrible. Now you're back and I missed ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Well, good news. I've been, uh, curating quite the TikTok collection on my Insta stories. You may follow me there at TheCristinaP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's why I like Batarina. She's a triple threat. She's not only a bat, duh. She's like, I got- Vampire's dummy. You don't see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I don't, I don't, I'm only interested in these kinds of people. I don't want to see pretty people doing normal things. I want to see the outliers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there's a lot of cosplay. I've been stumbling upon a lot of that lately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's that one's the most painful to watch cuz you're like like I get it I was goth in high school Which I could assume is a form of cosplay, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's right


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was wearing like black capes in the middle of summer in the San Fernando Valley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's upset, so Batarina here is upset because somebody's not restocking the- Hot cocoa? The cocoa in the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What house are you, Tom? I'm a Ravenclaw, I took the quiz online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He seems sweet. He's just waiting for his lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what you're talking about, but looks normal to me next video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's the kind who's looking for love, right? Look at the eyes. It's always in the eyes. Yeah, in the eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I agree, and I think it's proportionate to how much black eyeliner a girl wears as to how crazy she is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Well that's the logic that I always like in these videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they have to tickle me in a certain way, like when I see them I have to laugh. And what I love the most is like, sincerity. I love when they're really sincere about their TikToks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love her and she also makes other videos, um, reminding people to drink a lot of water if it's hot outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I live for this shit. I live it. This is like, it's finally made an app that I'm into. Like, I didn't care for Vine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I send them to Nadav, to Josh, to Tom. Chris, I could put you on that list too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just like to brighten people's nights and days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's, can I tell you that when, I don't know, when there's a platform that comes on that lets marginalized people shine, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? I know which one. I can tell you which one went well. Because I feel like, you can really tell what somebody's made of, if you're like, ehh, I can't do it. And you cry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but my favorite part of that show is just the clever title.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one thing I do wish though that like men when they're transitioning to become women, like there has to be somebody out there that can help these men pass better as a female because the guy with his blonde wig, it was so terrible. Like everybody knew he was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Tommy sitting on his private jet and it's like a toy jet for a kid. It's so funny. They're so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is. What a great design. You're not my son anymore. And it's got Charo with the look of shock on her face, which is just fantastic and big farts brewing. You know what? I'd never noticed on that video. I've watched it so many times now, but hearing the audio, she grunts before she farts. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I've never, that detail has, I've just picked up on that detail and it's just special, it keeps giving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still get stuff for, um, ATIS. ATIS went to rehab.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the best part is too is that I, it was connected to Adis' Facebook page, and so I would be logged into Adis' Facebook page when I linked up my phone number to Facebook. And I'm like, dude, I don't want to see this guy's stuff. So I got to see what he looks like and everything. It was cool. He's cute. Adis is cute. Young guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so in light of our lives, we've got a few things to report. I had an interesting fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yours is disgusting. You know what you did for me the other day? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other day you, uh, you woke me up with a fart. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so uhm, also in light of my recent renaissance of taking care of myself,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've come, cause the way our house is designed is that Tom and I sleep on, in the bedroom that's upstairs. So we're the only thing that's upstairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get nothing but chastised about how dumb I am all the time. Why'd you say that? Stupid bitch. What? That I'm R-worded. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I realize that by the time I come downstairs in the morning,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm already thrown into, you know, Bitsy had diarrhea, it's, I gotta clean up diarrhea. The other day she had diarrhea so hard and she, we make her sleep in the pantry. So I opened the pantry door and then the diarrhea slid under


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I have to figure out finally, I'm trying to wipe the door to get the diary off. I figure I have to floss it. I take like paper towel, wet it, and then like floss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. But it's high, yeah, but it's high and we're downstairs, the kids are screaming, the dog's diarrheaing, and, and I haven't even had my coffee yet. So, I had the genius idea of putting a coffee station in our bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and what, now if you're going to do the coffee station in the bathroom, you have to do it in the bathroom. Because you need a sink. You gotta rinse out the mug, you gotta rinse the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you put the milk in there, and then I've got, and that's your mother, that's actually the mug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I got my mugs down there, my Brussels Graffon mugs. Yes, I got my stash of coffee down there. I got the pods, the tiny fridge, the sweetener, the spoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really changed my life and I just used that from one of the kids rooms that they weren't using that shelf. Is it like a diaper changer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the drip coffee just tastes like horrible office coffee, and I've had their lattes, and they're too milky, there's not enough espresso in them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No offense to your father, I know who's a huge fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is garbage, and it's like strong garbage. So they, theirs tastes strong and it's not good. Caribou's terrible too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, well the donut that's rolled in the death crumbs of all the other ones, I love that one. That's a fantastic idea. Yeah. Uhm, but that, coffee bean is okay. I'd say that's second, like Starbucks, coffee bean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about Pret-a-monger? Is that what that's called? The Pret-a-mo- Pret-a-monger? You know what he's saying? That's on the east coast, that's in Europe too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I do like Illy, that brand I-L-L-Y in Europe, I like that brand. That's my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They used to have, remember that brand, that Italian brand I would buy? We were poor and it was like $3.99. No, Don Francisco, the Don.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you even imagine? I would barf everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And look at the caption or the title, it says, this isn't right, but I was laughing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I saw Bobby, he and I did a show at the Laugh Factory, uh, a couple weeks ago, and I was just, I love watching him. He's so funny. And, there's nobody like him. He's just the sweetest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That part's the grossest when you do that. That makes me want to vomit in my own mouth. Well, the babies are sick. They've been sick for a month. Everybody's sick. You're so gross. And what you do is you go, do it. Oh, oh God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm a cool mom, and I come up with my own words, and we're changing the lexicon. No, a native, uh, blue band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there was uhm, a girl, a girl in my 7th grade class, Mandisha, and that's, and she would suck her snot in so aggressively, and it was like a tick, it became a tick for her, cause I think she would do it all year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, it would make me sick and I'd be like, Mandesha, are you okay? Like, do you need a tissue or something? She's like, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. But it was- Mandesha? Mhm. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, Mandisha. I forget her last name. We were in 7th grade. Yea, she was, no, she sat next to me in English class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, like, super sweet girl. Not Mandy. No, Mandisha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm soundless. Josh and I were talking about this how he and I don't make sounds. Like we're not irritating sounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, I've never actually heard this. Is this a category of porn I'm unaware of?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh for sure. Oh man. So I'm super, I've been so curious. There's a few updates the listeners want. Of course. And I think the first thing on everybody's mind is when are you going to see Robert Paul Champagne and what's the status?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I gotta disagree here because from what I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of I came to, hashtag I came to, uhm, someone, if you would like to animate our pool story that we told, our pool, uhm, fantasy, with our, uh, Ellis' swim teacher from last season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And having the girls come meet him on the road and then we thought why not have a contest where women submit videos one minute or one minute or shorter as to why they should be the person to make Josh come the winner of this contest


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know that there's uhm, uh, anyway, I was listening to this thing where there's a part, like a sex phone


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. She's a pro. She's a pro, but that's the problem you guys. I have a sneaking suspicion she might be a prostitute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Danielle, here's a deal. Here's a deal, man. You're gonna eff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And someone else on our staff that isn't here today who can't defend himself. Josh doesn't wear rubbers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't have the risk of him getting somebody pregnant. Even though you can't get pregnant from pre-cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he had, uhm, about a year ago, I, we had to keep taking him in to get his heart looked at and then, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is before we had kids, before we had anything, so Feef came with us everywhere. And this is a beautiful spring day, and Feef and I were sitting out under this tree and we took this photo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we, so we got this dog, we had a fundraiser at the time and we raised the money to pay this astronomical medical bill and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So basically, you know, we, we, we saved his life twice!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh me too, and we did. Look how beautiful he was. This is us in Redondo. This is before we had any, any kids, anything going. We were broke as a joke. Theo was our guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And he changed our lives and he, you know I think in a way when you start rescuing animals, at least the time we did it was our way of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, in addition to just getting older and not working out like I used to, I think cars have us less in shape too. They do too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I backed up a friend's car the other day and the first thing I did, it's an older car, it doesn't have the camera, and the first thing I did was look here and I was like, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, it had rained and there was just that light little bit of dirt, you know? And I took that left and it just went poof! I mean straight down, right on my chin and ripped it all up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For kids. And then at 18 you get to make the decision to be an idiot. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother, we used to do this one too, we put our, when we got big enough teenagers, you put your arm on the window, you know, hold your, hold the window, we would just hold it out like this, and they'd be yelling about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother, uh, drives a tractor-trailer once in a while, and he told me, he's like, it's non-stop. Chicks want to just pull their tits out. He's like, you shouldn't, he's like, you wouldn't believe the shit you see from sitting up that high on the roads out there. You're tractor-trailer drivers, I'll tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to, you just made me think of this, I want to tell you something funny about a school bus. So uhm, we, you know, we lived in Maryland and every year up through middle school you had to go to D.C. for a field trip. And one year my dad is the chaperone of my younger brother's, uh, class and they go to D.C., you know, you're going to all the monuments and all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So on the way back, so when they get home, my dad just looking at me, he comes in the door and he's laughing. I was like, was it a rough day? He goes, it was a really embarrassing day for one kid in my group. And I was like, oh, what happened? He goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said that it's like four buses in a caravan, you know what I mean? They're all trying to stick together the best they can on, on 495 where we got stuck driving, right? That's shit. So now you know that traffic, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This poor kid had to shit and they couldn't go anywhere. And he's like, I have to go now. So that all four buses pull over on the side of the road with their flashes on this kid walks up in the hill where there's like some trees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he, uhm, he lives in Baltimore and he went out one night drinking at the bar, this was a while ago, and he met this girl and, you know, they hit it off, things get a little hot and heavy, they go back to his place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're hooking up and just as he's about to put his hand down her pants, she like aggressively grabs his wrist and she's like, I'm different. And he's like, what do you mean you're different? She's like, I'm different. He's like, are you a guy? And she's like, no, I'm just different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As if, you know, go ahead, go find out for yourself. And he puts his hand down her pants and he starts playing with her a little bit. And he realizes that her vagina has, it's, it's forked. It has like equivalent to like your, your nose. It has a piece of skin in the middle. So there's two sides.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to this day, I've never heard that before. I've never heard of that either. And since. And since.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just in the, in the, in the dating or sexual world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A brand new person that had no history or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but this girl's flirty and then she puts her number on the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, she puts her number on it. So I call her and we hang out a couple days later and one thing leads to another.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She starts telling me that she's on like, uh, she's coming off of Lexapro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's giving me a heads up that she's experiencing these like zzz, these little electrical impulses, she's telling me. And as the night's going on, I'm seeing her do this and I'm like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, you know, we end up having sex anyway, of course, and uh, she takes a hit of weed, and I was like, go easy on that, I just cleaned that pipe today. She fucking hits it like it's the last hit on earth, and then she starts throwing up. So you know, as a single guy, you gotta wait all this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she comes out and, you know, hour or so goes by, she's back to whatever herself was before that, I guess. And then she wants to have sex. So we start having sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the only time this has ever happened to me too. I don't know what it was, but when she got on top, she got off on putting her forehead on my forehead. But I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all I could think about was the feeling of my skull getting crushed and she just kept driving like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, overpower me like this, but this chick overpowered the fu- I was nothing. She kept pressing down, she was saying all kinds of nasty shit. And I was just like, ple- I'm trying to say please stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on a second. You say shit about guys, and you just said someone drank menstrual blood. You said it too, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes it is. 100% it's that bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna tell you a story about a girl that I did not have sex with because of this story. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a girl that I knew. She was a friend of a friend. So I had hung out over the time, over a few years, you know, a handful of times with her. So I knew her, but I didn't know her. You never really know anybody like that. But, uh, she came over one night and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We start drinking, she wanted to drink some wine, we're drinking, having a good time, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She starts telling me that her history of, of, you know, how old she was, how old were you when you lost your virginity and that sort of thing. And she's like, I was really late. And I was like, you know, why was that? And she's like, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, she was a late blossomer, bloomer, whatever, and, and what happened was she ended up liking her cousin's boyfriend. And her cousin was mean to the boyfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she herself also had an abusive boyfriend at the time, and those two just sort of connected based off that behavior. They were like, oh, we'll rescue each other, I guess, so to speak. So they begin to have this relationship, and he was a photographer, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He one night started asking her if she would do some, you know, pose for him so he could take some pictures. So she did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that eventually led to nude photos, and she did, they're a boyfriend and girlfriend, but artistic, you know, not, here's my fucking pussy hole, you know, that kind of shit. And uhm, then he says, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm an animal. Have you seen the pictures on fucking line? So uhm, then he says he wants to do some photos of her in a tub. So they do the tub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then it progresses to, I want to put, uh, blood in the tub. I want to do photos as if you're dead, murdered in the tub. Uhm, and she does that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's thinking that this is, you know, a substance, you know, whatever it is, but it's real fucking blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, wait, where are you? Where'd you get real? So you went to butcher some bullshit or knew somebody got this animal blood, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next time he wants to do it, and this is have sex with her, but he also wants a photograph first, he puts her in the tub of ice and tells her the reason is because he can't get off unless he fucks a cold vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has to have, she's like, and then she looks at me and goes, do you think he had sex with that body? And I was like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your kids touching your mouth, eating the food. I said on there, this motherfuckers got their planners warts all up on that god damn screen. This is why I get sick. Somebody said, well, hands generally carry more germs than your feet. They do, cause you use them more. Not this fucking persons. This persons feet carry more germs than your hands. Look at that. This is so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People just use whatever the fuck they want, how they want. I remember being at the gym one time and, uh, you know, they got the hair dryer up a little higher, which I always thought was a hand dryer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they got one a little lower that I thought was for kids or little people, you know, dry your hands. But this fucking dude that was in there, he felt like it was for drying out his foreskin and he-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In bed with Susie. He's talking about himself. And he loved that shit. That's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the seven dick, uh, inch equivalent of, or seven inch dick equivalent of a slobber right there. That's a good, I'll be like, what kind of slobber do you have, like a seven inch dick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't, uh, I don't know. That's disturbing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm guessing maybe you're restricting everything with your bladder and everything that's trying to prostate and whatnot to push out that urine maybe is my guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I pee a lot these days, I have a theory for it, but it's not really important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the problem. I know you want me to put logic to the most ridiculous shit, and I'm going to. But, uh, the real problem here is you've got three really strong good jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's my pick, the Megadoodoo take. But with Josh's beatboxing. Is that even beatboxing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Terry's in like an electric wheelchair, and they put a, uh, not the offensive. Let's go here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at the tan line on his neck. You see where it just changes? Most people tan their face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I saw it, I was like, please say this is real. I was like, it's real. And then I saw you up at uh, sketch fest and everything up there. I cannot even get over it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you, have they ever sponsored a podcast in the history of that company?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, then, well, if it's early, well, August 1st through 3rd, I'm in Minnesota House of Comedy. I don't know if it'll be up by then or not. And then, uh, September 14th, I'll be, uh, at the Famous in Baltimore. You can go to, and then any shows locally, I'm at the Improv Comedy Store, Ice House, go to, uh, Ryan's House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're lowlights. They're lowlights. We highlight the lowlights. Hence the honeydew. And then laugh, find light in those moments and laugh about that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so, I don't mean to like, be a dog ate my homework situation, but. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I deleted all the files and I went home this weekend and I got kinda busy and I, uh, just worked with what I had, which was just my voice. So, here you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I'll put all that to rest. I mean, I haven't seen one comment complaining that it's too long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think maybe, Jesus Christ, eating out is different because there's no eye contact, and you're close enough where you could maybe pretended something else. The blowjob, she's looking right at you making eye contact, there's no avoiding that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope that wouldn't happen. Or, okay. Yeah, that could really backfire, Tom, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, the, the, no, no eye contact, closing my eyes. Oh, you said that, yeaah, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No fucking way. Really? I've heard it called a buttplug on set before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and there's like, there's like all sorts of weird names for certain shit, like there's a baby plug for it, like you could say some really weird sentences when you're on set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, cause we're talking about putting foreign stuff up your butt. Here's a fun clip that's pre-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause we were talking about putting stuff up your butt. This is a clip that's ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is what I'm doing, walking down the road in clown makeup and the dogs walking behind me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She decided she was gonna go for the walk too, if I could make sure I didn't get no goddamn trouble or something. Dust, just hurry the fuck up. You a slow ass dog. We ain't never gonna make it to the air conditioning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, story time. So me and my friend were at a party, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he took this chick down to my friend's basement, down in the house, you know, and we're gonna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he pulled down the girl's pants is a seven inch long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your problem? Cause that's mine. Okay, I make my own OCs. And if you have a problem with that, just block me from all that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, before I continue making videos, I just want to say something to my friend Ross and Prince. I don't care what you guys have to say about my girlfriend, alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a different time. Wait, what years did you go there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, that's a lot of people. Those are like, humans. Like, that's real people. It's not just like, a number that's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I love that. Well, I went to Florida State, and then, uhm, when I was at college, like, I had, like, I was a bartender, I had like three jobs to pay, it's expensive. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, I would go to the gym and then I'd also have a lot of free time. And then, uh, at the same time, one of my friends from my hometown emailed me and, or not emailed me, messaged me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never even on my radar of things, but then I knew what it was because the Girls Next Door was on at the time. Remember that show? Yes, with Kendra and Holly. She was so ghetto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, I was like, oh, it's cool, it's like, you know, he's done a lot of amazing, amazing things for gay rights and like, so I was like, oh, this is an awesome magazine and one, like, I'm super, I'm going to the gym two times a day, I'm like, I'm confident, this feels cool. Alright, I'll send bikini photos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could get all the people that have a following, all the celebrities, influence, whatever you want to call them, sell the panties, even your panties. Well, I'm only a $254,000, I'm not a millionaire. That's $254,000 people that will pay for your panties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As they say. Well honestly, I've told this story a lot too, so it's not like completely, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was at college and I sent them bikini photos and then they emailed me back the next day and I was like, alright, like that's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I was like a free trip to California. Awesome. And then they flew me out in October 2010.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For just to go out to the mansion for a week, do my test shoot. I went to Paris' uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Birthday party or Halloween party, one of the two, I don't remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever about it, like I came out, I was like, this is a really cool thing, like I land, they had a limo for me to bring me to the mansion, I was like, this is awesome. Definite like experience and check off the bucket list for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it wasn't everything to me. Like, I went out there and was like, alright, this is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, I was like, if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then I have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what's that like? Is it his daughter that runs it or something? She did when I was there. Everything changed so much since like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After my year, I feel like that's when things really started changing with them trying to be more modern and like, you know, revamp the whole company. So everything kinda changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like a deer in headlights cause it was a fully professional set that they had. They had the same photographer that they've had for 50 years shooting all the center folds. Well that's kind of nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then everybody there, like there was a lighting guy, there was just like so many people in the, in the room, but all them again, super professional and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, just know the lighting guy is focusing on the lighting because he doesn't want to get fired. He's doing his job and he's getting the photo. And then the photographer is working on getting the perfect shot. It's like art to him. Like it's just, and she was explaining that to me. She goes, I'm looking at your makeup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the next, like in two days was their Halloween party at the mansion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I get like a pregnant looking belly if I eat a lot of plants and the gas. Yeah, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the biggest following I got from my playmate centerfold was like 25,000 followers, which is a lot of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I had my AA degree and then, like, I had so many credits away from getting my, uhm, bachelors. But then I just like went down to Miami, I was like, alright, I'm just gonna not waste my money on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I ended up going down to Miami and I was doing acting classes down there cause like I always had fun in front of like the camera and stuff with my sisters we put on plays and stuff when we were little and I was like I don't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Modeling for me, that was just like something random, check it off, I did that. Uhm, but you can't really express yourself so much with modeling for me and it's like, you know, I just, I wanna be more than that, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so when I went on there, there wasn't really many acting gigs in Miami. It was a lot of, this is when like EDM, EDM music was kind of like on the come up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I started doing live EDM event hosting in Miami and just like opening up the shows and stuff for all the artists kind of traveling around with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that kinda got boring for me too. I'm like, alright, not a massive fan of festivals and all this stuff, so I need to move out to LA. And I kinda knew some people in LA just from being back and forth with the Playmates centerfold releasing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, when I came out to LA, I was looking for, like, manag- management agency, but everybody was like, oh, you're a playmate centerfold, so that's the roles you have to go for, or that's, uhm, you know, that's what you are. You can't, like, branch out of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was super annoying for me because I was like, alright, I did this as like something I've done in my life that I thought was cool. And now it's putting me in a spot that I can't get out of. Even though it was like one moment in my life, it defined me for the rest of my life. That kind of sucks. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, alright, I'm just gonna build my own reel and then show them what I can do and the different roles that I can play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, so I started shooting with him, but then he went to New Orleans to film 22 Drum Street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, cause he got a role outside of social media, I was like, that's really cool that he could leverage his platform for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then this app Vine came out and then I was like alright this is a great platform, 6 second videos that I can learn how to just like do comedic skits or just do like learn how to edit or learn how to do storylines and all that stuff. So I started doing it on there and then I'm like alright 6 seconds is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty easy content, like there's only so much you can learn with that. But like bettering my comedy throughout it and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, you know, I hate complaining about it because it's like something that I decided to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And kind of like there wasn't really any like respect had in any of the meetings too. Like I went to like some sketchy meetings also that people came across like as amazing and then that's kind of what you I guess learn when you're in LA. You meet a lot of shitty people and a lot of awesome people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, like yeaah, I even had a meeting one time with like a producer that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, oh, I'm doing like this, all these movies and stuff, just come over and I'm like, alright, this is like normal for LA, I guess, like people are super casual. And then I show up and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like 6pm or, you know, like end of day, kind of, and then I get there, knock on the door, and then I just hear, come around back, and I'm like, alright, and then just going around back, and then I, but for,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get around back and the guy's completely naked making drinks. And then there's uh, two girls in the hot tub with two other guys, all naked. And I'm like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, like, do you want to drink? No, I'm okay, I drove. And then, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never thought I could be a model just cause I couldn't live up to the standards of what I saw. So I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, like, that's never gonna happen for me. And then it happened and I was like, oh, that's cool. Like, but it's just because I'm from my body or whatever. And then I got the guessing and I was like, oh, that's cool. Like I can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and she was talking about that to me on my podcast, but she was saying how she wishes like the pageant is all great, it's all about beauty, but like people like scoring about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But a lot of the girls are being so unhealthy to achieve that. They're like, some are throwing up, some are passing out. So many things. And then she was like, it'd be so much better if it was just about like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yeah, I don't know why. Like, it's not like I'm like, oh, it's bad. No, no, you're just like, I'm not into it. She ain't into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just so I don't forget, I just need to play this for you. You need to play this for me? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I mean, you can get some of the products he has on your show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horrible meetings, I'm like shit, I'm just gonna do this on my own and like build my own reel. Uhm, mine started, started doing like these horrible mine videos and then just like kind of bettering them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, I mean, your whole goal would be to try to make somebody smile or within six seconds, you know? And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's a challenge in its own. It's not a lot of time. It'd actually be 6.5 seconds and we'd be, that's like, the .5 seconds is like heaven. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause you could have like 10 cuts in a 6 second vine. So it's like, you know, just kind of putting something small together. But for what it was at the time, cause mine, like people still call videos on platforms vines. Like it became like this whole thing of its own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a lot of people kind of grew with that platform, myself being one of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then uhm, people started moving out from like Ohio, like all different places around the US just to be able to collaborate with other people that were doing well on the platform. Wow. And then so we all started doing stuff together and spending like entire days just shooting Vine content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we had a ton, like probably shot like two movies worth of content in like lines like throughout the year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, so we like filled this platform with all of our content and then always be on like, they had a popular page on Vine. Uhm, so we'd always be like the top ones on the platform, like the top like 20 Biners or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then from there, I was like, okay, this is cool, but I grew a following there. Like, let me just, uh, Snapchat just came out too with, uhm, like public sharing of their stories. And I was like, alright, I can do, cause I was doing improv classes at the time too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's when I just kind of started them, started them and I was like this is a great way for me just to like have fun with the platform and not like invest so much time into it because it disappears after 24 hours but to tell like improv bedtime stories on Snapchat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was the first one that started doing that and I became like the top 10, uhm, most viewed influencer or like celebrity or whatever on the app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then uhm, like I had like more views than DJ Khaled on that. Jesus. And then I would do that all the time and then I started doing Instagram got video and that's basically what killed mine. Yes. It's like they got allowed 15 seconds instead of the 6 seconds at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weren't catering as much to the, uhm, influencers on the app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's a lot more difficult now because I feel like everything's about timing too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many people coming out of nowhere that's like not organic to them also and just try to like capitalize off the market of what's been successful for other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're an early adapter, that's huge. Yeah, yeah, and there's so much content like on social media now, it's just like, it's really difficult for people like to have a million followers, it's a lot and that's great, but there's a lot of people that have that now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see a ton of people doing like the booty pics, the like all those stuff and expecting to be this massive like celebrity from it and I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I think a lot of it is though, if you don't have a strong passion for what you're doing and, you know, desire to grow and just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep bettering yourself through things, like it's, you're just gonna be stuck in that same spot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, not anymore. I mean, like, some people will see them. I guess I'm only speaking from, like, where I am now. And so it's, for me, I don't use them ever. Wow. Now that's interesting. Unless it's, like, branded content or, like, sponsored or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I just kind of, I'm not, I'm the worst person to ask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, okay, so they have uhm, analytics now, which they didn't have before, of the best time to post, so you don't have to like, feel out your audience, you could just look at your graph and be like, okay, I need to post two hours before that like, peak in the graph.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say a couple hours before would be good for you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, branding's important too. I mean, I could, uh, do that on YouTube all day and just say shitty things about people and like, have the drama channels and stuff, but that's not like, kind of like what I want to do with my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it just depends what I guess people want to do cause you can just capitalize off of the fame of other people too and just like discredit it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can do that, I mean, if that's your thing, but I don't think that's your thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I would say focus on, I used to say videos grow you a lot more than photos do, and they do. Uhm, just for like, just human nature, you see somebody on a video and you're more likely to be more interested in them than a photo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hopefully with other questions. Keep updated. Things will come to mind, I'll let you know. TikTok, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you not doing the dances? No. Hey Julie, heard you got that drip, drip, drip. No I don't, but you know more about it than I do, probably. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause then it's not, like I'm not growing. Like I just want, I want to definitely get more respect in the industry that I've always wanted to be a part of too and just like learn from those people also because yeaah, I'm doing like producing, packaging things and directing like my own stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, also it's like now I'm able to like produce and package things and put those together with like traditional actors on traditional platforms. So I am doing more of that now. That's great. So is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's both. Like, that's the thing now too, you're not stuck in any one category. Like, even for you. Like, you do your stand-up, you do your comedy, you could do...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Movies, you could do anything. Podcasts, like, you know, you're not, like people don't put people as much as they used to in a box anymore just because you're able to brand yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's why I love social media so much is because like I was put in that box, but then I kind of like, thank goodness in a way that social media wasn't really relevant at that time. And I was able to brand myself completely outside of that to where now people are like, oh, she did that. Like that was like an extra layer to myself that people had no idea about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for me that was amazing because I was able to like show different sides of myself without being judged based off like one thing I did in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's trying to get me to become single because I don't see how that could be attractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I think uhm, a little bit, I would heighten the security of my home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like a swag. Oh my god. You guys, are we really pulling out the hits? It's better than like, after you get me, like, maybe you will think that, like, it's better than being shy about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it. Yeah. Call me Rina, don't ever fucking call me that. I like how she's so like, strong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna see like, somebody piss her off though, and if she just still leads on with like, don't piss me off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, does she keep going with that? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, bye. Like, I feel like, uhm, I can relate to this. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just speaking his truth. Yeah, exactly. He's like, I'm just sitting here, might as well talk, I'm waiting for my lunch. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should, you should, you should just take on like this character. Yeah. Like combine all your favorite people. Yeah. And be that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm gonna follow you for that. That's much better than Tom's DM thing. Oh, it's garbage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but no, I don't go like through every-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, relationships, dating, life, friendships, like all that stuff. Advice from, uh, somebody who's not a professional. That's great. You know, it's the best advice. It's like hanging out with your friends. And you can watch it on YouTube also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's on YouTube, it's gonna be on, uh, Spotify, Apple Podcasts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just did uhm, a movie with McG. He directed it. He's an incredible director. He did Charlie's Angels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're awesome. No, thank you guys, and we'll come up with some fun content to do. Fuck yeah. With all of your characters combined into one, I really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they gave me the choreo like two days before the event. So I had to learn this Bollywood dance of just like things I don't normally do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but it was cool, it turned out great, and yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said you wouldn't let me stay out late. No, I'm saying to you, I would put things, multiple things in my ass to save your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how I unwind. Yeah. It's a stressful job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I wanna thank everybody who came to- it's too late now for that, isn't it? When does this air?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well thanks for coming to Mini Appletits anyways. Five sold out shows, sold out well in advance. I cannot thank you guys enough. Every show I've done on the road has been sold out in 2019.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is a miracle and it's beyond my wildest imagination, so thank you. May 10th and 11th I'm doing Tempe, Arizona, the Tempe improv. May 31st through June 1st, Sperm Bank, that's Burbank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] California Flappers Comedy Club, June 20th through 22nd, Washington D.C. at the Washington Dick Kump Improv. Ticket links are on Christina P online. And also, if you haven't seen it, cash me outside on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check out my two specials, Mother Inferior and The Degenerates. I was eight months pregnant when I did The Degenerates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boston. Oh, and guys, if you do your shopping on Amazon, you could go through our banner on yourmomshousepodcast.com. You could click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage of your shopping as you normally would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my, I have so many things to share, so many fun things around the corner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait. I'm, I'm really excited to do donation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So look up Young Patreon, Cool Guy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, Obi-Wan's on that one shoot, right? He produced it. He produced the song. It's an unbeatable team, those two guys. Yea, yea, that's crazy. Such a good song. So many revelations, you guys, but first of all, that opening clip,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, why does shit always happen at the Home Depot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I avoid going to it for that reason because A, the Home Depot is so enormous. They're just so big and cavernous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's tremendous. Or even like, one time I tried to buy paint, and I just started crying. I'm like, there's too many things to choose from. God forbid you want somebody to mix the color for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please stop. Even hearing you, even hearing you say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes me, it gives me anxiety and it makes me mad that I'm wasting time in my life even fucking thinking about stuff like that. It's pretty bad. It's terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anyways, can I, this woman's amazing. She's clearly mentally ill, right? Yeah. Are we gonna go for mental illness or drugs on this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. But you and I discussed this yesterday, is that that's how boys and men resolve conflicts, is physically. Women just don't resolve conflict that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's cause you guys are apes and you resolve conflict by hitting each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is. I agree with you. No, I agree with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish women, so you're advocating that women should start violence with each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what physical, it does. Well I'll tell you something, because I don't do this in public for a reason because I've been in fights with, I should say loosely that I've been beaten up, I have not successfully won a fight, so I know not to flip shit to strangers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well she's just never been hit. So what you're saying is, this bitch needs to get hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your dad should have hit your mom a little bit more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not LA, I don't feel like it's Alhambra. Only because, or Monterey Park. That's where Asians are. Although I dated a Chinese guy for 40 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's gay. He sounds gay. So that's why I guess Northern California, cause he sounds homosexual. What? He sounds like a gay guy. He sounds like a guy. No, he sounds like a gay guy. Does he sound gay to you? Of course, listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, don't. You know what? Here's the difference. The difference between Tom and me is that I do not encourage unnecessary conflict. Unnecessary. You love it. You love the Instagram fights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, alright, listen. I have been dying to share this with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you know, I did this last weekend at the Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did this weekend in mini apple tits and I had this wonderful opener named Ahmed Calaf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, he goes by Somalian, S-O-M-O-L-L-Y-A-N on Instagram. Give him a shout out because he's a black guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said, we were talking about the tried out guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, it's not homie on out, we've done this before. He goes, it's homie on out and listen to me because he is talking to black guys who like to fucking fuck good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are black guys, and the black guys would say, haul me on out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know! I know, this mystery man. But anyway, I was blown away by it. I thought it was pretty interesting. I thought I would just share that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's either ho, I think it's not, it's ho a man out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause you came, I was on the phone with you yesterday, whenever it was, you finished filming it, I was on the road, and you were like, I gotta shit, I gotta go. I did Sean's new show and I have to go take a dump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anyways, so we went to a Laker game last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I could not stop licking my chops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you that my ancestors, my relatives would be so stoked on your top. This is a nice top, Tommy, this is a good jacket. Very nice, very expensive looking jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, first of all, as we all know, LeBron's amazing to watch, so I like that. And I feel like he has one of the biggest hogs on the team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's terrible. It's terrible and it's terrible for the fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not why you watch basketball. You just care about the dicks? That's it? Of course. Why do you think I like them box seats? I wanna get the floor seats next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you can't win when LeBron runs. No you cannot. I can. I got my Benox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I look down on there and bring it in. He was wearing a suit, you couldn't see his dick. I like to look. Dude, he was wearing his suit, but he had those big ol' clown shoes on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see that? He was wearing nice sneakers. But they look like fucking clown shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I love so much at the Laker games? It's my favorite thing when they put, uhm, the people in the audience on the big Jumbotron thing, and they get to see themselves. I could watch that all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the price, that's the cost for being the boss, right? It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, it's on my Instagram account, TheChristinaPea. Look at it. You're gonna die. So I get on first class. Ugh. I'm gonna barf. I'm gonna fucking vomit again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was sitting next to this guy. This is in first class. He comes in all lumbering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there's no fungus or like- You don't think there's fungus? On LeBron's? Didn't look like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Anyways, and then he reeks of booze. It's the morning, of course. He orders more alcohol. And then he tells me he's a missionary and he goes, I'm going, I just came from Philippines and now I'm flying to Uganda. I'm like, I wouldn't with those open sores on your feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You nasty as hell, you should wear some closed toe shoes to Uganda, don't you think?


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[Assistant] I mean, I'd think even a guy tell you as a city dweller, I think wearing flip flops in the street,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is inappropriate to begin with. If you live in a major city dude, you could step on needles, cockroaches, vomit, dog shit. But to get on a plane with your feet out, it's just, it's not hygienic, it's not cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's nice. It's really, really nice. It's very good. So there was that. Uhm, oh, I have a submission for you. Uhm, this is from a guy on Instagram. He DM'd me. It goes by Jibba Hone. J-I-B-B-A-H-O-E-H-N. He suggested a name for women who have sex with comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's G-rated, it's not as disgusting as a giggle gash. Like Josh Potter proposed.


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[Assistant] You guys, mommies, you think you're a diehard mommy of the show. You think you love your mom's house. I met a couple this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Ehsan and Isabella Karam is their last name. They are a married couple and they had their legal middle names changed to be jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm not even kidding and I said could you please send me a copy of your ID card and I looked at it.


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[Assistant] And I even asked to be verified that this is a real ID card by the uhm, whatever, the security guy there. He said yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These two diehard mommies had their middle names legally changed to jeans. Isn't that bananas? Yeah.


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[Assistant] You know what a hassle it is to change your name? It takes a lot. Social Security office, DMV.


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[Assistant] I couldn't believe it. That's a first. I've never seen that one on your mom's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's infuriating to park and drive. Aye, aye, aye. Right, that looks like it. Is that George Perez?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, and I know you guys tricked me, there's gonna be another one. I'm gonna put my earbuds on, more barf's gonna happen. No it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you sure you wanna do this?


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[Assistant] I think we'll know whose is whose. I mean, one of you is a red-haired Jewish guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you want to do it on the show though, looking at the pubes and you deciding?


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[Assistant] Man, you guys are so nasty. You're gonna have to measure their dirty pubes, Tommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you guys are all nasty. You guys are all nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's go by hygiene. I'm just going on hygiene. I'm not gonna go on anything else other than like, my perceived, what, what hygiene level we're at. I'm gonna go third place, Potter, right? Is the nastiest? That's the nastiest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but that doesn't mean anything sometimes. Okay, so number two, I'm gonna go with you, Blue Band. Okay. And then first place is Chris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I've caught whiffs of him and he smells nice. Really? I haven't smelled you two. I've not smelled you two so I don't know. Well they're both smoke machines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I, we need some more clarification. Josh, remember you mentioned a trauma thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's prescribe. Prescribe. Even when it's sex? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you pay attention guys, uh, we got to see a little marital spat which is fun.


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[Assistant] No, I've never even milked a cow. I mean, I grew up here in the San Fernando Valley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so you guys have been friends for forever, like your entire life basically. Have you ever had the kind of fights where you don't talk for like months? No. No? You've never gone through?


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[Assistant] That and I encourage a little bit of lying. You should lie in your teen years as well to your parents. I'm going to the movie when you're really making out with your boyfriend. You gotta lie to your boss. Yes, little things, not big things. Not to the IRS and stuff like that, but a little, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're saying that you don't feel the authenticity from this guy. You feel like this is a show and this is not who he is. Is that what you're telling me?


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[Assistant] They are, they're so much cuter than- YouTubers are generally cuter than comedians.


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[Assistant] It means that something's wrong, right? Something screwy up here.


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[Assistant] I don't like to scream, I like this guy's nonchalant cigarette.


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[Assistant] That's a lot. Now speaking of Browns, I have a would you rather for you guys. It's kind of a game we like to play on this show. Being that you're foodies and brownies, here we go. Would you rather...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For one year, all you can eat is Taco Bell. Now by this I mean three meals a day. Any items on the menu. You can mix and match, you can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh Potter I believe eats their breakfasts there. Alright, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, like I said, you can mix and match, but it's three meals a day at Taco Ball. And you have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, you may eat anything you want for an entire year.


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[Assistant] But every brown, it's a disaster. It's like your pepper or brown. It's like what you had the day of the curry. That's every day. That's what you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, just be careful if you choose a corporate sponsorship. We had McDonald's sponsor this show and they gave, they took their money back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nutritionally, you might be deprived after one year of eating it, three times a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I want to tell something to you guys. I want to tell my friends and family. Don't have a bucket this. If you have a bucket this, then you would basically have regrets if you die. When you die, I'm not dying yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I want to tell something to you guys. I want to tell my friends and family. Don't have a bucket list. If you have a bucket list, then you would basically have regrets if you die. When you die, I'm not dying yet. Where is he?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day. Tell you that meeting you yesterday.


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[Assistant] I had, I had four and then Netflix came along and then everybody's starting to like blow up and that's when I was like, no I don't get these anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedy Central were first two, then the third one was Netflix, then the fourth one was Showtime. But it was Netflix, it was on Netflix when it wasn't like Presents and all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, constantly touring and I'm touring and I'm, I have a new hour ready to go, but with these films I, so the one I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna do a talk show, but I'm the only one on the talk show. That's the special? That'll be the special. So I come out and do 20 minutes of monologue jokes that I worked on with Argus Hamilton. Aww, I love Argus. And then I do, uh, panel and then I do stand up and it'll look like a talk show, but it'll just be me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'll keep the same outfit, but it's just like after 20 minutes, 20 minutes, I'll go more to come and then the band, which will be the goddamn comedy jam. They'll be the band. It'll look like a talk show. Dude, let's do this instead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucking cool man, that's a good concept. I like the concept and that's when I like the concept then I was like alright now I know how to write for it so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Head Sullivan and Son, yea. On TBS, right? TBS, ad-supported basic cable television is how I like to. Ad-supported. How many seasons of that did you get? That was huge though. It was fun. At the time, it was, it was, it was, it was great. It was a great experience. I got to go to the Warner Brothers lot, you know, for three summers. And, and the great thing about that show was that it was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a bar, but it was a functioning bar. So we had a live studio audience, so.