[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think you and I play video games, you know, we have a very fun life. Yeah. So we just kind of do it to like escape the like us worrying about where we're going to leave or whatever. But yeah, I think some people do it because like you said, it's like, it's a better thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if my screen time's over four hours, I like put my, I delete all the apps. Do you do it on flights? Uh, what? Switch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a takeoff. I'm so Pavlovian with that. As soon as the plane takes off, I'm asleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was, uh, hanging out with a couple, uh, seals at a party and they just, the way they talk is hilarious. They're like, our buddy Gary hadn't killed a guy yet. We're like, Gary, you gotta kill somebody. Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I started to get fat and then I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got in a crossfit. And I'm still, I'm not in the shape I wish I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which my girlfriend reminds me from time to time. She reminds you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but yea, no, I, I still, I still do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm starting to get soft, starting to get a belly and you can really see it in my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember just like there, cause there was the one year they had the Maui Comedy Festival and we all went there and I look at pictures from that and that was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the thing, and again, why shame's a good thing, we went scuba diving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, or snorkeling, not scuba diving. And we went snorkeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first night I watched the Royals lose the World Series, game seven, and I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize my Hawaii is like a huge San Francisco sports. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. And so I walk into the hotel bar with Royals gear on and everyone's kind of looking at me weird. Who's this guy? And the Royals did something fun. I was like, yay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Giants did something, the entire place erupts and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go watch this in my room. Yeah. And uh, yeah. So that, that's how I remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like oh, SoFi is a cool, is a really cool stadium and I'll go to that cause it's a little more low key and it's like a transient city, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the Chiefs are my most favorite team on the planet. I don't, I don't need to go to Arrowhead anymore. Yeah. Cause it's the people. It's like they get too drunk, they start fighting with each other. And it's like, hey man, we're all on the same side here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is until, cause those guys don't have anything to live for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also football shot so well on television.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm super bougie. If you have a suite, I'll go to a game. Sweets are different. Yeah. Cause then it's like, oh, we have an apartment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I can go out there and deal with you if I want to, but then I can go back inside where it's warm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're like, you're a boozy bitch. You're like, yeah, a little bit. Pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now when you go to the, now when you go to these, is it like white makeup, eyeliner, the whole bit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's like legit. That's super legit. You're deep golf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I also get that cause there are times, like, uh, I went to my high school- Don't even look at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to my 20 year high school reunion and my then girlfriend was in town. And she was like, can I come? And I'm like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, why? And I was like, in my head, I'm like, first off, I know this is over. Second off, second off, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turning yours off. Turning mine off, cause I was hot and I'd wake up and I'd be sweating and I'd turn it back on. No. And then I felt, and I was laying there and I felt it turn off and I was like, this mother...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he just, that man wouldn't make eye contact with me the rest of the flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should wear an Easter bunny costume and so you'd look like the guy that came and flagged him away from the reporters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I went to the zoo and I saw a meerkat and I was like, I want a meerkat. That'd be awesome. And then I did a bunch of research and they're like, you do not want a meerkat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I already forgot the differences. Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that one's got the flaps though. That's the flaps. So that's gotta be a seal, right? That's the seal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sea lion? Alright. That one looks like it knows it's doing a photo shoot. I know!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disturbed. I feel real disturbed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm friend, I only have one friend, Bob, and it's Kid Rock. So when everyone sends someone, some Bob, I like, I vision him. And so I just had this vision of fucking Kid Rock. I was like, filming it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's rad. He had my fam, uh, he had my family up there, uh, we had a show down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, it's uh, it's a, it's finished now and it's just, it's, I think Kid, or uh, Theo said it's two bedrooms and all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clicker Rogers are all his platinum records. It's hilarious. And it's, it's pretty rock solid, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a great dude, man. He's super genuine. We don't agree on a lot politically, and he's completely fine with that. That's great. Like, as opinionated as he is, he's very much like, everybody believes something. Yeah. And, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So intense. I, uh, there was a waitress at the 101 Cafe that, for years. That was Hollywood. That, uh, was all tatted up to her neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was there the day she came to the table and she was like, for the first time in my life, I regretted my tattoos today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, kinda all in. She wanted to wear a dress and she just realized


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think she just got to the age where she was like, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, maybe I should have given myself an option.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, how is that not, I mean, I was kind of wondering that internally, like, that's a little racial. Felt like it, first time I saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I guess it's what you gotta do if you wanna cover everything. She, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I never got a tattoo. Was cause I knew 20 years down the road, I'd be like, well, I don't like the black crows that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I would be so disappointed. Dude, if I saw myself for the first time now, I'd be like, Motherfucker!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's the exact opposite in the United States.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I've been pulling my poop out of the toilet and looking at it. What can I do now? You can't read it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not. It's never. You can run a Clorox wipe over it all you want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine dating her? I mean, she brings you home. She's like, you know what I like to do when I get home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your, uh, licking shit price? You're on TikTok, they're making offers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those bars? Man, I used to take Xanax recreationally, uh, in my twenties, and I just, you'd lose so many days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's one character in media that I think represents sort of the grunge goth that I sort of call myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is very low maintenance, very thrift store, very pared down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we're not out here in like the corsets and the, you know, white Suzy Sue makeup and big pentagram earrings and 10 inch platform demonias. You know, we are dressed like this. Can you see her play now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You hurt me because I trusted you. I thought you were my friend. I thought you cared. And I find out when you got a drink or two under your belt, it was the same old rotten shit that I've come across before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are a rotten shit man. Big sanctimonious guy. Big, all, all nice guy. And you're a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's more, there's more guys like you than there are of me. I'm afraid of what's gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if, even if I beat the hell out of you, it wouldn't help. Someone else and bigger would come along, do the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel that there are more guys like that, more guys like you around, than there are me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those people are haters and they're just jealous of your beautiful full head of hair that you have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're fucking haters. F all the haters, dude. It's Machines Within all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's okay. You know what though? It's good to change up your look every now and then and like try a new thing. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you guys know this, but that guy Arnold Schwarzenegger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so, but what I've learned in all the Terminator movies is that one, the future robots have built a time machine, but they can't figure out how to keep clothing on the robots that they send back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they made a robot that speaks English with an Austrian accent which is really crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? Cause this is what I think about. This is my gift, Tom, is to think about stupid shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Better. Well, you know what got me to thinking about that is the iconic line, the iconic line of when he goes, I'll be back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and also too, yeaah, so back to his bod. So in the first movie,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He time travels from the future to kill Sarah Connor, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His, okay, yes, he's a bodybuilder, but his body is a work of art. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause there's guys that are bodybuilders and, and you see like, yeah, that guy's got a huge chest, but his physique was just stunning and I think arguably like the greatest naked body of all time was Arnold Schwarzenegger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like that in RIL, as the kids say, because I don't, I would, it's too intimidating, like I see it as an aesthetic, like I admire beauty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like David, but even David wasn't that fucking jacked. David's a fucking pussy homo compared to Arnold Schwarzenegger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think Schwartze has a bigger dong too. David's got a tiny one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it shows it in the, when he gets dropped to earth, you know. Shows the dong? It's like a, they show like an outline of it, yeaah. There's a, he's naked in both Terminator films.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you see shadow of it. You don't see, but I'm saying the shadow had a good hang to it. It wasn't like David where it's like a little kids. So this is, I'm up to Terminator three. So don't quiz me on that, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what I noticed in every movie? They have to find a hot lava factory to dump the robot to kill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe it. Oh, I believe it. He's, he's a statue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beyond. Beyond. I mean, yeaah. So he wins Mr. Universe. He comes from Austria. He's a little kid essentially on Venice Beach. And then doesn't he become an actor after he wins Mr. Olympia or something? He did seven. He won seven times. Look at that. I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then Schwarzzi, he becomes a bodybuilder, and then he becomes an actor, and not just an actor, like the most famous actor, and then he becomes the governor of California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing what this guy did. And then he married a Kennedy. I mean, before that he married a Kennedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, but I never banged the housekeeper, I had to baby-vip her. He was just overwhelmed that day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that's what it was? That one day he's like, where's Maria?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Maria's nowhere, and then he's like, ah, I'll have to fuck the housekeeper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got the, he's got the achievers mind. High achiever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. The guy just goes for it. He went for it. He did it. What an incredible life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are messing with Tinder and the apps when there's so many available good men on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can see what they look like, you know, what they really look like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like, it just raises insecure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like, he had me in that one, I wanna treat you like a lady, and then he's like, it's all good, like, when people have to say, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, which is, which is what this video always is, which is like, fuck you haters, like, why are you then don't even address them? And that's the power move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Haunts. He haunts my life. He's like, that's my hole. That's where it spits. I think about that once a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there's a mommy by the name of Alex who doesn't work at that club actually, but requested to work the club because he was such a mommy and he showed me a tattoo that he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And his fiance got, and I would love for you to share this with our audience. Cause I thought it was just so wonderful. Okay. So dedicated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really shows the dedication of the mommy tribe out there. I just wanted to give them a shout out. And there they are. That's Alex and his fiance and his tattoo says, don't be stingy. And hers says handsome woman. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like when people find love through IMH. Like when they bond on it, they trauma bond. Basically that's what that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does that work in their favor or in their not favor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this guy? Oh, I think that, no, the video would work against him. He needs to not speak as much as possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If them in the flag, like, some conservative woman would be like, I love he's patriotic. I love that. He loves his country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got back to back meetings, errands to run, and you need to pick up those last minute sweets and treats for the Halloween party. What's the secret to clearing your to-do list? A little help from DoorDash. You can get the best Halloween candy decor


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And party supplies around. Guess what I ordered on DoorDash? Uh, candy, cause I didn't have time to go get it. And yes, it was a maze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thrill of finding the perfect costume, the anticipation of trick-or-treating, the excitement of having the spookiest decorations in the neighborhood, you can get all your Halloween sweets, treats, and supplies all in one place, delivered directly to your door with DoorDash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With DoorDash, you're not just getting the things you love, but supporting the community you love too. For a limited time, our listeners can get 50% off


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Up to a $20 value and $0 delivery fees when you download the DoorDash app and enter code HOUSE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Up to a $20 value and $0 delivery fees when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter code HOUSE. Don't forget that's code HOUSE for 50% off, up to a $20 value and $0 delivery fees with DoorDash. Subject to change, terms apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sure. Crazy dude. We were just talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger. He too was in politics. Do you know him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy was just peace and love. Can I ask you though, being that you've been in show business and politics, which industry is slimier? I mean, to navigate both, you have to be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he was like, but he loved America and he was a capitalist and he loved making money and he loved the Republican party because he believed that money was the great equalizer and so he identified as conservative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he loved Rush. He had the books and everything in our house. That's why people loved him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was gonna tell you that, uhm, when I watched you growing up as a younger person, and I saw you on SNL,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you were the first person, the comedian that I felt like a smarter person for liking you. You know what I mean? Like it gave me street cred. I'm like, oh, I like Al Franken. I must be sophisticated. And like my sense of humor is very sophisticated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was Gilda Radner? No, I'm thinking, cause I, that's the cast that I, like, it's formative for me. For sure. I was born in 76, but when I had an interest in comedy, I was 10 years old. And I, like, studied you guys, you know? Uh, what was Gilda Radner? Like, I always love her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, why do people do that? I hate when people force their message. I know. Uhm, can I ask you, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, writers' rooms have their own culture and their own flavor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you have sensibility, you put together, you don't feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would Ted Cruz get offended and fire back? Is he gonna send you a text? Is he gonna be like, fuck you, Franken, behind closed doors? Like, how does it work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, he chose the big fat permanent, Margaret. Damn, he's confident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Funny, I never thought about it that people have their doodles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks bro. My doodle's done already guys, I'm done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were just talking about Terminator and how uhm, the robots figured out a way to send back Schwarzenegger in time, but to also make a robot that spoke German as a first language and had an Austrian accent. That was pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and here's another one I doodle a lot too. This is, this is one of my top. I learned this one in junior high school as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, here we go. Okay, ready for my other one? This one I doodle a lot. Have you seen this one? That's the cat's butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, thank you. This one I've perfected over the years as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, naked chicks, and then a guy with his tongue sticking out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does it tell? Holy shit, he's almost done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, we're so cool. We live in Austin. Do you ever forget? Sometimes I forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Preppy and smart. You know what I mean? Like, did you feel the pressure to be- to present as smarter than you were?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause when I, I studied one year abroad at Oxford and I felt so much pressure to be smarter than I was, you know, and I, I was like, ah, I really gotta, I gotta like show them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips, dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Depends on who they are and what they act like on video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, things just didn't seem to go right today. Everything was a nightmare. And a lot of headaches and little fires I had to put out, but nothing really worked my way. Well, workout. That's it? That's where it ends?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies and gentlemen, this episode is brought to you by Satva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit. Go there and get two hundred dollars off any mattress of your choice. I'm a huge fan. I've slept on all of them. You gotta try one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, I was, uhm, I was inspired by, uhm, I have a good friend of mine who's about, uh, seven years older than me and he looks like shit. He's bloated, he's fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he looks like every day is his last day and I go, well, it's only like seven years. I don't want to name names, but he's about six, seven years older than me and he's gross and you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I've tried to take better care of myself, you know, and I feel better. I just feel so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I woke up and rode the bike for an hour. It just feels great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, get out of the saddle. It's just spin talk, you wouldn't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, like in this, I mean, I think it's crazy that people are in this place where it's a literally a washing center. It's like a washing, you know, like a, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, isolated, it's a washing room. The water is coming at high pressure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never understood that either. What if you have to be like, do you hold it? You can pee into the drain, where other water is going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's a liquid. Unless you're in India.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I think you're really going to enjoy this opening clip. I pulled it just for you. Are you ready? Here you go, Annie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, here's the, here's the scenario, ready? Yeah, go ahead. Alright. There's a real big D. And we're talking like, I mean, let's not be comical about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, let's not be comical where it's like beyond comprehension. But it is, it's substantial. We're saying it's 8 inches long and it's, it's you know, I would say at least 2 times the width of what you're used to getting. So, here's the question. Are you gonna deal with the discomfort of your mouth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or the V, now the V is made for, it is a, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could be like, the thrust of that in there could be very, it could be very painful. It could be very pleasurable, but it could be very painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather deal with the discomfort of your jaw needing to, you need to see the orthodontist on Tuesday. Or, you know, just some soreness in your V.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead, so you're- just so we're getting- Sure, go ahead. We're getting clarity on this. What you're saying is that you've never been one to go for the back door. But if you were to do the back door with a liquid death can, if you were to do it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Expecting them to maybe reach out. If you were going to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got a liquid death can in there. It hurts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much. Right. But it's only once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're going to, the discomfort of lockjaw, you would rather be like, nah, it's kind of uncomfortable. I don't want to do that. Go ahead and rearrange my digestive tract.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he's just like, I'm sick of my anal leakage. And you see that sometimes people have prolapsed anuses. That's not enough of a deterrent to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uncomfortable and maybe sore, but it's not gonna, you're not gonna be like, I can no longer chew. But you might be like, I shit sometimes when I don't want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now it's ruin- ruin my asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no party you go, but here's the thing, no party you goes, you know what? Children have passed through there. So I can recover from any size penis. I should go there and leave my asshole intact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just like the weird little kind of, you know, like this fuckin' back alley dude. The weird back alley dude's got a big hog. I mean, would it really shock you if it was just this enormous, enormous hog on him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing we shouldn't, you know, it was a fascinating chat with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not cool. I'm gonna tell you something. You're gonna regret this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should have gone into the penis reception area as opposed to destroy my asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you tell me what Ankh does. Now, this is episode 700.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you guys have seen, if you've been with us from the beginning, which first of all, thank you, you've seen the different studios, the many different weights that I have been at during this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the different, you know, the different iterations of our lives, we were like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of a newer couple, I guess, when this thing started, not, you know, we haven't been around, like, we haven't been a couple that long. So true, I didn't think about that. Yeah, this, uh, by the end of, by October of this year, it'll be, what is it, 12, 12 or 13 years of doing this podcast? So it's only- Gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we'd only been together a few years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeah, we went through two kids, multiple moves, uhm.


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[Assistant] Production stuff as far as like how the show is, you know, shot and broadcast.


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[Assistant] This show, I would say this part of the show has always been a fascination of mine. I was always a big fan.


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[Assistant] Sound drops and always a big fan of like wild shit on the internet, you know, little clips.


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[Assistant] It's been that, and then every year, there's a, you know, there's a kind of a best of, right?


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[Assistant] There's the best hun- I think the best in the last hundred, let's say, every hundred episodes, which covers like actually a couple years. Uhm, and so we went ahead and pulled what we feel like are the top ten of the last hundred episodes. And it would be fun to revisit some of them today. So,


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[Assistant] You see more people now miss him. When he died, there was a split between people being like,


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[Assistant] You know, oh man, that sucks, he died. And people being like, well, you know, he was, uh, he was mean or he was toxic and he wasn't, and you know, people were like, you know, it's the internet, right? But.


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[Assistant] This guy really was a voice of reason. I mean, he really was. He might've been like too harsh for some people.


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[Assistant] To me, I mean, I obviously, like, for me, his entertainment value was through the roof. Cause people don't, people most of the time go, that's okay.


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[Assistant] Well, you know what you should do is just do what feels comfortable for you.


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[Assistant] Right? And then these are people being like, how come I can't get...


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[Assistant] A guy that makes like $300,000 a year. And he'd be like, what do you do? Like, what do you look like? Oh, you got kids? Uh huh. How many kids you got? What do you do for a living? And they were like.


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[Assistant] You know, I work at this store and he's like, uh huh, you got three kids? What do you look like? How tall are you? Okay, well yeah, I think you need to change some of these things. You're not going to get rid of your kids. Maybe you get a better job, maybe lose some weight. Yeah. And then you'll attract, and then people are like, what the fuck? Well, the truth is that's kind of reality, you know?


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[Assistant] It's just a guy who's being, uh, and not caring that it's offensive to some people. And that's refreshing. So that's the thing about Kevin is that he was, it was refreshing to have somebody speak to you in an honest way. And he had genuine comedic timing. Like shit that you can't teach.


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[Assistant] He's saying that to himself, like, I don't deal with any fucking bullshit. He's just like whispering it to himself.


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[Assistant] You big sassy ass broads. And he's right, because sassy ass big broads are like the like, uh uh, like talk the most shit, get all loud, and then it's like, most of society, what they do is they, they kind of pull back from a big lady with an attitude, you know?


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[Assistant] What's that? She's like, you what? She's like, I'm down. He's like, you Beyonce? You're Rihanna? She's like, maybe not. He's like, I'm sorry?


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[Assistant] What's your value? That's what he's saying. If the guy makes 300 grand and you don't, what's what are you bringing? And then obviously, well, he's like, you know, men value beauty. So he's like, are you like a gorgeous woman? Because then that guy might be like, okay, but if you're not,


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[Assistant] So good. It was, I don't know, I- He's one of the best, this guy. He was, he was hilarious. Uhm, alright, from episode, what is it, 606, same episode? Oh my god, this was one of the best fucking clips.


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[Assistant] Not only of the last 100 episodes, of all 700 episodes, okay?


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[Assistant] That shit was unreal. The arrogance, the absolute, the arrogance of this guy to be like, I'll just jump off this roof in my rain boots and land with no bend. He landed almost straight.


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[Assistant] You know, the only way, obviously this is not a recommended thing to do, but the only possible way that you survive that jump is to land in, land with it, have the knees go in, uh, or like, you know, bend, and your ass kind of hits, like that's the only way you're going to survive a high jump like that.


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[Assistant] He knows that this is not good. That was me by the way. That was me in high school.


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[Assistant] He didn't, he wasn't pushed, that, that's actually the point too, is that why it's actually so great.


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[Assistant] I mean, the only accident might have been that he didn't realize that that's not gonna feel good. But uhm, he definitely did that shit on his own.


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[Assistant] And you know who would do rain boots? Like a four year old, five year old. Yeah. Might be like, oh, they don't realize what you should wear to do something like that. There's no shock absorbency. This is a teenager.


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[Assistant] I would love to know what like the full story, what the damage was, how many surgeries.


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[Assistant] This is one of the first times we, uhm, so Adriana Chechik.


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[Assistant] Good friend of mine. Hard worker. Uh, she did, um, she was a special guest on Two Bears, One Cave. But on episode 608 of Your Mom's House, we played a clip of her talking about her weekend schedule. And, uh, it was pretty awesome.


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[Assistant] Oh wow, I didn't realize that I'm kinda with, uh, Adriana Cechek's stunt double.


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[Assistant] First night. You know, uhm, I learned, she really, uh, I was like, do you ever get like, too...


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, you have to become a new person to have her approach. Like, she's a, she is a sex athlete.


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[Assistant] Whatever, don't use that. Don't you tell her that when you text her.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she's lovely in person. She's very, very nice. Uhm, anyway, that is quite the weekend. DP Friday, DP.


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[Assistant] That's for the Twitch thing, not really related to it. But then DP Sunday, boy girl anal Monday.


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[Assistant] Boy, girl, angel. That's just one, one other guy. She's the girl. Oh, got you. So two dicks Friday, two dicks Saturday, two dicks Sunday, one Monday. It's a fun weekend. Seven dicks in four days.


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[Assistant] Well sorry, all seven, but a lot of those are going two at a time.


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[Assistant] Well, it could be. I mean, it could be, oh, you're right. It's not necessarily double anal. So it could be one in the butt, one in your. Yeah, one in the pink one. But they also do double anals, you know? Sure. And I think she's done that. I know she's probably done that before.


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[Assistant] Right, right. So it's not always two in the same, you could be just V and B, you know?


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[Assistant] But you're feeling like the pressure of, you know, one up your butt on your V.


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[Assistant] Oh wow. She's got a big owning fan. Maybe you could talk to her about the business side of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I think we should probably talk to her about doing Sunday shoots. Uhm, alright, episode 617. You ready? I'm ready. Here you go.


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[Assistant] He got it all covered. That's my favorite part is that he thought not just about the obvious.


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[Assistant] Right. The obvious is don't get stung by a waspus. But also, it's hot out there.


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[Assistant] And the other thing is no, I don't think a lot of people have given credit on this uhm, Ronald McDonald clip is that, that. He looks crazy. You know, he's right. You should drink a lot of water when it's hot outside. Yeah. Cause you are dehydrating all the time. Yeah. And also you should watch for wasps cause they can sting you and really affect the way you look.


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[Assistant] Uhm, shit, I said that earlier one might have been my favorite one ever, uh, the roof thing, but I've already liked to change my vote and tell you that from episode 625, this became one of my favorite things of all time on this show.


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[Assistant] As he starts to almost lose control of his emotion, he's like, alright, I said what I needed to say, the message is clear and people are gonna respect my wishes.


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[Assistant] Alright, seems like you didn't listen, it is bedtime. Okay? We have been playing long enough, and it is time to go to bed. It is totally like a parent talking to a toddler. Enough. Honestly, enough.


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[Assistant] Because he's aware that it's not everyone. So it's like, I'm chastising who needs it, but the rest of you can actually get a good night.


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[Assistant] It's bird is fat. If you tell them bird is fat, they're going to tell them too.


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[Assistant] Shoot hogs out of a helicopter.


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[Assistant] And you just tee off and you just fucking light them up. Like a machine gun or something? Well, no, not a machine, but you can use, I mean it depends on how close you are, you can use an AR-15 or a shotgun. You have to get closer with the shotguns obviously.


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[Assistant] But yeaah. And the state is like, please do this. Cause it's like in areas where there's like, they've overrun with them.


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[Assistant] Does he have a black guy's hair? Is he wearing a wig? Doesn't that look like a mini-


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[Assistant] Wow. He's doing that again. I wanna eat you out all the, every day. Yeah. Yeah. I think he wants to eat everything. Oh shit. Oh, that's cool, man. I like to eat too.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, that clip will always fucking get me, get me going, man.


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[Assistant] He has, uhm, pages. They get like taken down and I always feel like he must be taking them down. Cause he obviously has some deep psychological trauma and some behavioral issues. Uhm, I feel like he might be the kind of guy that...


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[Assistant] I think depending on his mood, he probably likes it or doesn't like it.


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[Assistant] Is he in Arizona? Yeah. So he really isn't, uhm, what's he called? He's not actually Glendale area.


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[Assistant] It has also a lot of, uhm, his people.


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[Assistant] What this show is all about and the joy that it can spread and having friends that go, of course I'm there for you. Let me, let me raise the stakes, raise the bar on this bit or what you're doing on this show. That's why I live for moments like this.


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[Assistant] It's from episode 647 of Your Mom's House. And without further introduction, I'll just play it.


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[Assistant] Making that up or if that, is that about correct or somewhat correct?


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[Assistant] But also, that is something that I've always been like, we're like a sound bite, an expression, and I get, I get these like loops in my head, you know what I mean? I used to like just say the thing that I heard over and over and then.


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[Assistant] It would make its way onto your mom. It would always like that. It would make its way onto your mom's house.


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[Assistant] And then it would either take off or be something that fizzled out, you know? But this one had a good run.


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[Assistant] Uhm, another again, maybe, all time fantastic.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and that's for episode 672. And finally, episode 689. I'll just do this before we welcome our guest in here. Uhm, this has been a lot of fun. We had a lot of fun with this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcoming back to the show. You have seen him on the stand-up season three on Netflix. You can get tickets to see him at bryancimpsoncomedy.com. You can listen to his podcast BS with Brian Simpson. You guessed it. It's Brian Simpson. We're back. We're all in Austin. We're all healthier.


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[Assistant] Oh yeah. I mean, when I go back to like, you know, it's cool when somebody moves here now, I'm like, oh great, there's another cool friend of mine that lives here. But in LA, when we all live there for so many years, we still never saw each other. Never saw each other. We saw each other like on the chance and walking into the same place as you on the same night at the same time.


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[Assistant] I think the big, one of the things, I mean, cause one of the things that happens a lot when there's cold freezes here is, uh, pipes burst a lot. And I think a big part of it has to do with the fact


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That there's huge temperature fluctuations here. It's not just because that's not that cold, but it is that cold if it was 81 earlier in the day. You know, so these fucking weather swings are.


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[Assistant] There's bullshit that you just can't get away from. What's the thing you sent me the other day?


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[Assistant] Oh, the robot stuff? The robot detectives?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it'll definitely be able to take you down, and it'll do something like go around a corner, like,


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[Assistant] Imagine the capability it'll have to deal with a, what's it called, a resisting person. Like it's not just gonna be, it's not gonna just be a taser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, a drone isn't the same thing as this, but I gotta tell you, cause you're not around it a lot, when I went to the Daytona 500, and they have the pre-race flyovers, you know, they do it for like patriotic entertainment, but when those motherfuckers fly over your head,


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[Assistant] In, in a group, like five F-18s, you really, you shake in awe of like the power of a fighter jet. It's crazy. It, I mean, you get goosebumps.


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[Assistant] The uhm, you know, the sound happens after they pass, right? And you're like...


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[Assistant] Fuck. And then I immediately put myself in the mindset of like being in, you know, Afghanistan or something and seeing that shit comes and you're like, oh,


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[Assistant] Yeah. Drones are so scary because you actually don't get the something's gonna happen. It just happens. You know, there's no warning. You don't even, you don't see the drone. If you do, what is that?


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[Assistant] One guy goes this way, one guy goes that way, and then they're like, press a button.


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[Assistant] And of course we're gonna put them mostly in poor neighborhoods.


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[Assistant] They'll have them in MacArthur Park. They'll be like, oh, just picking up needles.


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[Assistant] Yeah, because, because people are shit in a lot of ways, right? So they're gonna, but here's the thing, if you have a killer robot dog, like,


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[Assistant] Imagine that, if you have a robot dog that is capable of true violence.


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[Assistant] I mean, it's gonna have, it'll evolve to the point, maybe not, you know, version one, but it's gonna evolve to the point where it will have incredible surveillance capability.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna have a capability to detect, you know, where it's going, what its surroundings are. Someone's gonna be sitting in a room, same way, in the, you know, look around, go up this street.


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[Assistant] And if somebody fucks with it, they'll probably have a snapshot of who did that and know like, oh, we have a warrant out for this. Cause it's going to be like you said, a law against doing that. It'll be, it'll be the same as like assaulting a police officer.


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[Assistant] Well, this reminds me of when we had on the guy, right? We had on that, the Google guy who said that the AI was already sentient and that, you know, he took us through. Have you ever talked to him? No. It's a wild ride. You would, Blake, yeah, Blake. I saw that episode.


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[Assistant] But isn't a big part of that, cause I, I understand that sentiment, you know? Like it feels...


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[Assistant] No way. This is like trying to get mad. This is yelling at someone who did a deep fake of you. Like, what are you gonna do? Right. You can do a deep, like, the guy can put your face and whatever message given in Hitler's speech and you can get super mad and you can't change it. You can't do anything about it.


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[Assistant] What does this say? One critical flaw. What is the flaw?


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[Assistant] But like if you just showed me this image without focusing, I would never be like, oh, that's an AI generated. I just, I just think that's a real image. Oh, right. Right? Like if you don't actually


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[Assistant] No, why would you think that's a generated image? You'd think that's real. That looks real. Exactly. That's not real. Isn't that crazy to you?


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[Assistant] That's gonna get better. That's gonna get better. They're gonna fix the hands thing is what I'm saying. And no one's doing this to dudes yet for some reason.


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[Assistant] See, it's just him trying to get on men's fitness.


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[Assistant] This happens with ideas, right? So he'll go like...


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[Assistant] He'll be like, you know what we should do? Like, what if we bought a soccer team? And you're like, okay. And then he does like, no, you know what we should do? And then, you know, what if we started like, what if we got our own taco place going? You're like, yeah, okay. And then the next one, he's like, what if we, and then he'll pitch an actual idea that makes you go like,


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[Assistant] It's two things I give him credit for. A, he's a genuine dreamer, like you have to be a dreamer, you have to have somebody that goes, what if, what if, what if this happened, what if we did this, what if I, everyone's kind of a dreamer if you're a comedian, cause it's absurd to be like, what if I was a stand up comedian, it's crazy. But the other thing that he doesn't, most of us have a level of,


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[Assistant] He's fully embraced it, so he'll say it.


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[Assistant] I cannot do it. Yeah, he's uhm, he's definitely, his tolerance is wild.


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[Assistant] You walk into a room that he was in and you're like, what's all this? And he's like, he'll have his like second and third meal.


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[Assistant] And then he's like, I'll have the chicken parm. And you're like, alright. And he's like, and the spaghetti bolognese. And you're like, what's that for? He's like, mix and match. He's like, well, you know, like what if the, I don't like the parm. And you're like, and he's like, and we'll share it. I'm like, I don't want the fucking thing. He's like, well, you'll have some.


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[Assistant] Eats it, eats it. So he has two entrees. He'll do two entrees. And fast, like she said. Fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 6000 plus calories a day. Well how is he not morbidly obese?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's definitely obese. No, he's obese, but uhm, you know, maybe he dials back some of it with the working out. You know, he works out. He gets after it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and the drink, here's the thing about the drinking, people go with the drink, it's not just the drinking, it's that the drinking, all like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This happens for me, it probably happens to everybody. Once you're drinking, you then make worse food choices. Right, right. So it's not just that that is extra calories from booze, it's that it's going to lead to more stuff from food. It's the combination of the two. And you're not sleeping well, so you're not- Doesn't sleep well.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, he's definitely, this is a pose here too. He's holding that. I was just with that, um, it really did look like there were triplets in there. He's, he's holding it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he definitely, that's the thing is like, yeah, that's, he thinks he's been in men's health. Is he, did he get in? Oh, fuck no. I hope he gets in. Uh, I mean he might, if he were, I think if he did,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, change, like if he actually was like, I'm gonna kick booze and workout, he would transform. Like straight up powerlifting? But he would transform physically. He would really change. Cause he's weirdly athletic. He is weirdly athletic. Yeah. Um, yeah, he just, you know, he's just in a, he's just in a caloric surplus every day. So you've learned a lot about health and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's 50. So he actually, I think he looks pretty good for 50. He just, he would be way better if he just dialed back what he consumes. That's it. He works out hard. I'm trying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uhm, I heard there's a big benefit to getting that cardio in before you even consume anything. Even water? When you have water. Oh, okay. But if you have water and then hit it right away and do intense cardio, it's supposed to have like a multiplier of- No shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and there's actual data that supports, not just like a theory. Yeah. You still taking Sean with you? Uhm, yes, everywhere, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess this is what's fasted cardio. When your body's in a fasted state, which means it isn't digesting food. Basically it means doing cardio on an empty stomach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't only happen first thing in the morning, uh, after sleeping overnight, but it can also happen later in the day if you practice intermittent fasting. Yeah. But, um, there was, um, I mean, that's what it is, but I, I did hear the, the data about the benefits of it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burns more calories than during a non-fasted session. The difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of the things, like health and fitness and everything is one of the things that people love to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the thing is, Brian, you know, you have more resources or you have time, like people bring, like every, it's a natural thing. We all go, well, yeah, but you have, you know, like even, you know, Burt does it. Like he's just like, well, yeah, but it's like, you can just make a choice. It's all about you. It's your choices. If you really lock in on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just raising your heart rate. Walking, by the way, has, it's supported that if your, if your goal is just to lose weight, it's a low impact way to accelerate calorie burning. And if you're dialed in on your diet and you walk a fair distance at a brisk pace, you're gonna burn cal, you're gonna lose weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But someone will just tell you, because one of the things is like, well, if you start bringing it up and they go, well then, it's like, look dude, you could wake up an hour earlier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna wake up? I mean, you don't want to, but you could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's such a good point. It is, it's true. And you go to like, yeah, some East African country where like the general has decimated the whole fucking village. He's a big boy. Oh yeah, he's a big boy. He's eaten everything. Yeah. He gets all the hoes. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna have to say, I, I kinda, I usually would, you know, hop on this big ol' bitch, but I feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this is on the horse. I think they have some sick horses there. Because 240 is not that crazy for a horse to support.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her actual weight? 240? No, no, no. That's what the limit was for riding the horse. They're like you're over 240. But like what is her actual weight?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is clear, I understand that. I'm saying, how much over 240? You know what I mean? Like, is she 275? Is she 310? Like is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 240 is just, like, seems like that's the minimum. Does this say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 930, but that's a general, this horse is obviously more than 930. If you're saying 240, you could weigh up to, so. Well look, apropos what you said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll see this and you're like, oh, this chick fucks. So we put it out there that, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we're looking for host stamps and, and people sent in, we've been doing this now for a few episodes and, and they keep coming in. So uhm, and somebody sent in, when I was 16, my friend's white trash mom took us to get tattoos in the poorest area of our city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it was done by a guy who obviously did needle drugs. After piecing my nose, he suggested I let him add


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he decided four of our best friends as Mount Brushmore was the best idea. That's funny. The guy I lost to name was Pasha, hence Mount Poshmore. Man, this is fucking wild. You don't do permanent sticks. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much did he owe? He got a gambling problem, guy. But I think this is not for a thousand dollars. Like that's gotta be real money. And he got on fake Tommy boxes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' psychopath, you can tell in his eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, good day cunts, first time emailer, long time listener. Finally an embarrassing YMH email and I could get involved in. First tattoo, most definitely looking back, the stupidest. I got my surname.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On my back in old English. Pretty cool, eh? I go through stages of embracing it at times and just, you know, keeping my top on to save me from defeat. Anyway, hope you enjoy and thank you for keeping me laughing. I appreciate you. I love you, William. You know my last name.


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[Assistant] Also it's like, you know the tramp, the whole thing is that like, that area for a woman is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, uhm, it is a central area, and it's an area too that you go like, alright, I'm gonna see your back, you might be bent over, you know, like, this area's gonna be exposed, and as a man, you can be drawn to that area. But on a man, like, women aren't like, and, let me get into your lower back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of Amsterdam. Now I am old and fat and tramping days are over, but I'm keeping this baby. It reminds me of the good old days. Love you Marlows. Uhm, yes, I hope I can see Christina and Tom live in the Netherlands in the future. Again, I was sad. Tom did not come all over Amsterdam for this tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So true. Right? You're so right. It should be like, and you don't have to like, if you cheer them on too much, that's also a sign. It's like there's too much attention. What you should treat it as is normal human behavior. Right. That's what you should do. Somebody goes, I fucked the three guys I worked with. You should go, I mean, yeah, I had lunch with the three guys I worked with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's fun to talk to somebody that really knows how to shoot to shit like you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, make sure you go to BrianSimpsonComedy.com for tickets to see him. Uhm, you can listen to and watch BS with Brian Simpson's great podcast and if you haven't seen it yet, check out The Stand Up Season 3 on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched a full episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But only in my mouth. Uh, I'm already 60 and I'm already worried about anal leakage problems. I don't need that asshole stretched out anymore than it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's okay to use the words that you feel comfortable with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it brings out your pretty eye colors, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to have chicken paprikash. And you have to have kolbas. And uh, but do you, you like that stuff, right? You like chicken paprikash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think so. Brussels? You gotta have the waffles, the Belgian waffles, man. And the mussels with the fries? God damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Paris, I feel like the French are very, we're number one. Quietly, quietly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks, Tom. It's a really cool way to put a pep in my step.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, it's flattering. Sorry, I shouldn't be like that. You know what? I take it back. Sorry, I'm gonna take my shoes off for this episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lots of cool guys. Speaking of uhm, turned on and sexual activity, we were talking about jerking off to the same porn that your father had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's not amused at all. The dove thinks it's, the dove thinks it's totally fine. Okay, here we go. Hey mommies, just wanted to share my fucked up dad porn story. So I kept my stash of porn DVDs in a kind of hidden spot. And after moving one time, I couldn't find them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fast forward a few months and I was over at my parents house and I was snooping through some of my dad's stuff and what do I find? You guessed it, my missing porn DVDs. I don't know how to feel now knowing my old man cranked it to the same material I have, Terry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Traumatized in your brain, and now it's your reptilian wiring. Cool, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's another cool, cool, as long as we're on the topic of coming, coming with your dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't do anything remotely sexual with my mom. Thankfully.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I was talking to my shrink about it and you know, in therapy you learn to separate like your parents from your quote culture. I'll be like, dude, it's just cultural, like they're maniacs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, no, it's just your parents. I'm like, actually, no, it's pretty universally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have been, cause I've been on TikTok and I found snippets of her interviews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she, some of these interviews, like she's insufferable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, hold on. Yes? What? What would you say if I told you, Tom, creative expression is what I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To say that, and like, I didn't wanna be famous. Really? That's why you wore a meat dress to the VMAs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you didn't, you just wanted to be, like you want, you didn't mind being an obscure pop artist. What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't buy that. Cause if you wanted to just express yourself, you would have just remained in Brooklyn or wherever you were, just doing your thing and putting stuff on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would do fucking community theater. Like, don't give me that. So, so be honest. Say, look, I wanted to make a ton of money. I wanted to be super famous. And now that I got there, and then I got there and realized it was lonely as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, I am creative expression. Okay, it's enough. I can't. She's just an artist, you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you just call me Hitler?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honestly, I think the blind guy, that video's gonna un-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna unravel itself, or reveal itself to me over time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like the exemplary YMH video. It was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you audio yourself shitting and send it to him. What's his name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't even, they don't even put the pellets in your ass for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate that. I don't ever want to see that again. That was horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is pretty nice. Gnarly. What the fuck was that guy doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then don't you feel like you can't really get into your b-hole crack with the washcloth? I feel like when I use my- If you do it last, right? When I use my hand...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the toilet paper, but I know it's clean by then. I'm just saying, cause I've tried this washcloth, I just feel like it's a hindrance and I don't know that I'm really getting into my nooks and crannies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put a loofah in your dirty asshole and you just rinse and then you hang it up. It's in the, in the damp shower environment. And then that's from yesterday. There's shit flex in there and then you're putting shit flex back again onto your body. This is why I think this is filthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's, then it's a wet ball of yuck when you're done showering. And then what do you do? Do you just throw it in the washing machine straight away? What do you do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But his feet smell like nothing, like he's not smelly. Don't you worry that maybe you're over-cleansing your skin? Do you have dry skin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know I always wonder when people believe in past lives, they're always famous people. Not everybody can have been famous in a past life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's terrible. And this girl in like Norway didn't was in Norway or some Norwegian Nordic country. It was like, I have the same one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's worse, coming with your dad or having your dad drive you to your doorstep? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean as a girl, having your dad take you to get a tramp stamp?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a, where my mom's at, who was it that, was it Chad Daniels?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her father had inherited a bunch of porn from his father. It was like old timey first gen porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and so basically like, I was like, oh, so like your dad jerked off to the same stuff that his dad jerked off to. How cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, okay, here's the good news. It's actually, I think, a solid tattoo. It's just the placement that's kind of effeminate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm no expert in tattoos, but isn't it hard to shade in color? Like doesn't color fade really easily?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, honestly, okay, this tattoo is, yeaah, this tattoo is so, it's actually really technically well done, like you said, it's a good tattoo, but it's so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He kind of ropes you in with somewhat normal stuff, and then he'll always perv it out somehow. Like he can't just be like, hey, it's my birthday, ladies. I'm 70. Sure, Ms. 69. And he always has to mess up what could have been a normal talk. Do you know what I mean? It makes it gross and picky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Like he, he always makes me feel icky. Do you have any more of David Gold on top?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I thought you would like her. So she kept posting these videos and then it's, it turned into like why I love to serve my husband and why Islam is the best and all that. And then she disappeared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is why we're like putting a ban on TikTok in the West because of uh, propaganda. TikTok's about to go bye bye. You know that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Inshallah, inshallah, bullshit like this, inshallah, come to North Korea, it's nice over here. The communists aren't that bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's if you don't brush and floss. Now, you have to break it up and suck it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so gnarly, and then it eats into your tooth too, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is like the dental TikToks I've been finding. They're fascinating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So somebody asked me a while ago to show them cat imitations, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need to start with an ng hum. To do that, we say hung and hold that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. We are huge fans of Satva. Why? Because we've been sleeping on a Satva mattress for over a decade. We have tried them all. The Luxury Firm mattress. We've tried the Memory Foam mattress from Lumenleaf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're lying. If you're into memory foam, that is the one for you. One thing I'll tell you about memory foam, it's not what I thought it would be. It is way more comfortable. It is like the bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Molds itself to you. It becomes like a bespoke bed for your body. It's not as


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't sink into it the way I imagined you would. I'm a big fan. I still have the Lumenleaf mattress. We also have the Solair, which moves around, which has a zero gravity setting, which I think is nice after a long stressful day. You're going to spend a lot of time in your bed. You should be. Should be getting great sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking morning. Uh, we're here, we're queer, we're not going anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Washes his legs and feet. No, I don't think it's a black thing. I think using a washcloth is for poor people, but I don't think that washing your legs and feet is for black people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That, that- That makes it like, it like makes the suds come out more. It's like super soapy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, I do them one use only, I throw them away. A loofah? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In addition to various strains of bacteria, shower, uh, what is it? Poops? Can also, yeah, harbor yeast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, so whatever doctor recommends, clean your skin with your hands over a shower luffa or washcloth. That's a CEO board certified dermatologist. Just maybe consider that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the one thing that hands don't do particularly well, exfoliation. Okay, what? I mean, the verdict, use your hands. That's the verdict.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to use a washcloth, just move out, live outside. That's what it's basically saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell ya, I hate to admit it, but you were right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let me ask a quick question. Whose idea was it to put wet wipes in the toilet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Completely. I mean, we're not home, so I don't have the wonderful washlet that just cleans out my whole asshole. So to have flushable wipes at work,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I just noticed that you have to read it the other way that she has a cool, cool, fun sign on her wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't read, I don't, it's not big enough. Something begins with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She put that, by the way, that's like in her living room. Those framed photos of family, and then she's like, alcohol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I love my kids, and I love to drink. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how much of a, remember how you said I was 40 when I was 22? Yeaah. This is how much of an old man I was. When I was 21.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I lived in D.C. I was working in D.C. for a short while, you know? And, uh, my cousin


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, set me up with a girl from Piura, which is a part of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, uh, yeaah, like, you wanna go out, like, just get some drink? You wanna go drinking? Wanna get some drink? And she kept saying it, and I was like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah I was like, uh, I don't think so. I think, uh, I think we have different interests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I sensed was like, you're just, uh, you're just like, uh, hey, let's get some more drinks. And I was just already repulsed. I was like, we're not gonna have a good time. I'm not gonna like you, just so you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get over what a fucking dipshit I thought she was. The booze. Yeah. We talked twice on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, let's go, let's go out and drink it. You wanna get some drinks? Cause I know a place we can get drinks. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, beach towns are boozebag-centric.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, they're actually spread out, right? Like, I mean, meaning, they're all next to each other, but, you know, there's the beach part, and then you go inland. But if you are near the beach, it's just drunks. Drunks like the water, and the sand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just always see somebody in flip flops, board shorts, and a hoodie who's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had contempt, contempt for drunks my whole life, you know? And I don't know what the origin of it is, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never liked people that like, I feel like drunks, you know, they ruin everything. They just ruin, and I, oddly enough, I got into a line of work where you just deal with drunks. Isn't that funny? So my contempt for them has grown. My disdain for drunks has grown over the last 20 years because I work in a field that just deals with drunks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have not been an audience member in a long time, you know, for a comedy show. We went to see Chris Rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we sat there and these fucking drunks, right, root, I was like, oh yeaah, this is like when I'm on stage and I'm like, what's going on over there? And they're just, and then security came by, the police came by to escort them out, to throw them out, and of course it takes you out of the show, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fuck are you doing? And you see other people going like, can you shut up? And what is the one common denominator? Just alcohol. Just too much alcohol. Too much. And they're just a mess, right? And there's just, yeah, and I think if you, you work in a field like, like in ours,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's just a, a thing you're just gonna have towards those people, like towards drunks, you know, so like it's, it's definitely just been a thing where.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what they were doing too? It was the worst. It wasn't heckling. Drunks just end up having conversations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Jessica was, she, no, she was the yellow one. She was the yellow one. And you're just sitting there like, the fuck are you? And then the people would turn around. I remember because the girl there was like, can you please stop talking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got back to back meetings, errands to run, and chores to take care of. What's the secret to clearing your to-do list? A little help from DoorDash. You can get dinner, household essentials, and everything on your grocery list delivered. Along with the restaurants you love, you can now get groceries and other essential items delivered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] with DoorDash. Get drinks, snacks, and other household items in under an hour. With over 300,000 partners, you can support your neighborhood, go-tos, or choose


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From your favorite national restaurants like Popeyes, Chipotle,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And enter the code HOUSE. That's 50% off your first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter the code HOUSE. Don't forget that's code HOUSE for 50% off your first order with DoorDash. Subject to change, terms apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, we were talking about drunks and how much, it is fun to laugh at them and, and you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, laugh at the holes in their brain and the stupid shit they say and know that you're better than them and then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, we ended up, we ended up finding the other fucking Irish drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy. And then it reminded me, I was like, oh, what about the other fucking piece of shit? Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I mean, this is 60 years of drinking every day for your, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found a cool guy. Where is this cool guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's the rock cool guy? What's this called? Oh, rock cool guy, okay. This is a guy that's definitely a drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh they are. Those are three dollars. Yeah. Yeah. Sun kissed hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, cool rock collection for sure. He's very amused by his rocks. Look at the schnoz on this guy. I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think he's violent, he's just, you know what he's gonna do? He's not gonna be where he said he was gonna be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not as thin as he used to be. He's the good, he's a good guy for when you're like, you know what? I don't want to get married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, who every once in a while has a bag of coke on him and just, yeaah, he's a good time man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine if he applied that to scrubbing barnacles off the bottom of a boat. He'd still have a gig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all. He can't even get sunburned, this guy. He's got so many layers of burned skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they just walk the beach. I would love to ask this guy, what's the longest stretch of time you've been sober that you can recall? And he'd be like, what year was I born?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're never that, we're never, we're still not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they've been there 25 years and they're still not considered Floridians. Not at all. Same thing by the way, a lot of places are like that though. You know, when you go to the, I feel like when you go to Maine, you realize that what a person from Maine is like. I'm not bagging on them, I'm just saying it's so distinct. They're so clearly their own thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you're a visitor, you know? And I think, like, there's a real Florida type that is, like, native to Florida. You know who's a Floridian? It's big dumb Steve, my friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People have a real distinction for when it's funny and when it's not. And it's like, for instance, if you do something to yourself, they'll go, that's funny. But if you see somebody get tied up in some machinery and twisted around in a body thrown apart, then they get upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super tall and super pretty? Is she legit tall or just like an effect for the show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's super freaky, but also life gets like, really uncomfortable, I'd say, for men over 6'6". 6'6'' is super tall, but like, over that, you're already in a really small percentage. 95% of the population is 6'4'' or under, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I'm gonna find some, there is some swag in being super tall, like some people, some women are gonna absolutely dig it. Of course they'll dig you being super short, but as a man that's lived in this world, I'd rather be a little too tall than a little shorter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a, that's a plus for, cause I know a lot of dudes like, like a lot of dudes like short women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and they get like, they're bothered by, you know, they feel threatened by taller women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of guys are like that. Uhm, I never had that. I dated a couple of super tall chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't mind like even a tall woman who wears heels and now she's just like, I'm like, it doesn't, I don't feel bothered by it or weird by it at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I would date the 6'3 actress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean like her, of course she's beautiful and talented, I'm just saying like, her being 6'3 would not put me off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think tall is beautiful. I think it's a, it's a, I mean I've dated two girls that were five feet tall. And I just think that you just click with what you click with. So I don't, I'm not put off by super tall at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing about, let's let, let's walk through the logic here. The deodorant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is bothersome, but you'll forget. Like, you can, you can go, oh I didn't put it on, and like, you're gonna, you're just gonna surprise yourself. You know what I mean? It's kind of a surprise. You know what I mean? Like, you'll be distracted, you'll be in conversations, blah blah blah, and then all of a sudden you might just go like, oh my god, right? Like you, you get a whiff for some reason, you know? Like you're like, oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really does. I feel like the mouth doesn't leave you. If you don't brush...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know right away you didn't, and then your mouth has that taste.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That feeling that it doesn't go away. The deodorant thing, you forget that you didn't have it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'd rather deal with that, because I'll just know like, well, I'm not gonna walk around with my arms up, you know? I have gone to the gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like, if I didn't wear deodorant, and it's, I'm not sweaty, I gotta be dry, and later I'm like, ooh that smells, then I wanna just kinda keep smelling it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gargle urine and it'll cure all your problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why? Cause they, they're, they're, what is it? Olifactory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, region isn't as effective anymore. Their senses kind of fade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll say this, I've never, I'll, I'll, I'll say this. I've never, I'm not saying that, I mean, everybody can smell, obviously. I've never, like, had a, an encounter with, like, a stinky Asian woman. Ever. In my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know who always has, this is not a natural thing, this is like products and, and, but who always has like the nicest smells to them, black women. Yeah, they do smell nice. They always smell like they have like fresh something on. Like products, yeah. Yeah, lotions and always smell fresh. Now the French.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've smelled stinky Spaniards, Italians, uh, Portuguese. I mean, they're hairy. They got hair. I think it's really, I think this is really about hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. It's kinda true. Those are stinky people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's two that I can- It's like rotten milk. I mean, there's, okay, there was one girl, the worst, like, mmm, smell I ever- Like, pussy smells.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was, was a one night stand. And she was hairy down there. Like a lot. And it wasn't very nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it just didn't matter what was done to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't matter, it didn't matter like if she had just taken a shower. Stop it!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something like that, I was like, what the fuck man, you know? Why don't you let me wash it? And then, of course I didn't tell her, but yeaah, I was like, ehh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yeah, it's deep within our brains at this point too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's way in there. It's way in there. Way in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did something I don't normally do this morning. What? I woke up and I made a steak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't have the shit, but uhm, we'll take a little break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we'll be back with our guest. Okay. Want me to do that? I do want to do that mama. Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye. And we're back and our guest has a new stand-up comedy special on Netflix called What A Day Give It Up For Tom Papa. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so strange. And it was great. Yeah. And it was, it says nice departure from the stuff we're used to. I mean, you know, I don't, you've done a bunch of books, but like for me it was brand new and I don't know. Well, you kind of go like, well, this is, um, this is fun and it's, uh, it's not like, you know, it's not the same type of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, no you didn't. I didn't? No you didn't. My son had turned off the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was electronic, you know, it was a rental house and he had turned off the, uh, you know, the button. Yeah, that was you.


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[Assistant] Right, oh that's like, it's kind of a nice win. Like, dad couldn't do this, look what I'm doing.


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[Assistant] But also he can't, I mean, your dad at 50 was in a different world where like now it's like everybody is, hey, keep lifting weights and exercising until you're 80. Like that wasn't a thing.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean there's a direct correlation between, uh, hand size and strength, you know? Yeaah. Really big hands, I mean they're stronger.


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[Assistant] Dancers have the- Dancers and gymnasts people forget are like the freakiest athletes of all. Freaky. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Uhm, Tom Popper told me this one time, I'm hanging out with him, and I had just found, I had found like old...


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[Assistant] It was a good one, and uhm, I had just found it, so I think I had put it on Instagram, and I was like, and you were like, that's you? That's what you said first, you go, that's you? And I was like, yeaah, I was like, yeaah, you know, that was years ago, and you were like, yeaah, but I don't wanna hang out with that guy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they put it on their calendar and they also, another club, uh, took a photoshopped one where they had removed my eyebrows. And they were like, coming this week. And I was like, you guys don't even look at, of course they don't.


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[Assistant] The best was when I first did a theater, my dad came and the promoter was there and I'd sold out a small theater and my dad's talking to the promoter.


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[Assistant] Yeah. He's a real down to earth dude. He really, I remember he told me one time we were hanging out and.


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[Assistant] He had bought a house up in LA in like a nice, I forget what neighborhood, you know, Beverly hill or something like that. And right away he was like.


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[Assistant] I don't, I don't fit in. I don't like it. So he moved back down to Long Beach and he's like, I like, I just feel more comfortable here. I was like, oh, it's very down to earth of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God. Yeah. Yeah. I always feel, I always felt bad for the, uh, the guys who had no choice with the pro athletes who have Christmas day games, Thanksgiving day games. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Well December also, December becomes more sacred to me. I like December off. Yeaah. The whole thing. I mean as much as I can, you know, as soon as you're in a position where you can, I'm like, ah, that's a good one to take off.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so I need some money. And you're like, ah, g-good.


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[Assistant] I found the uh, little guy in the hall last night.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was about to go to bed, so the TV was still on. And I thought I heard something and I look in the hall and he's sitting there holding his bear. And he goes, he goes, why are you still watching movies? And I go, I'm about to go to bed. And he's like, you're still watching movies? And I was like, I'm about to go to bed.


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[Assistant] And then I went back to our room, I turned everything off, and then, uh, I don't know, 20 minutes later, he just climbed back into, he came back to our room and got in bed.


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[Assistant] A lot of independents that's like, but they're still kind of innocent, sweet, so it's that perfect spot, you know? The four year old's still so needy.


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[Assistant] I threaten them so hard. I was thinking about that. When they, when they, I'm like, I will break you guys in half. Like, do you understand that? I'll bite your fucking fingers off.


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[Assistant] And they're like, and then Alice goes, you're joking, right? And I'm like...


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[Assistant] You're the, you're the model. You're the mom. They're picking based on their experience with you. Yeah.


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[Assistant] It's crazy when you have two, right? Because like you, you, I remember when you have one, you're like, this is what a baby's, this is what a kid's like. And then you have the second one. You're like, you're not like the other one though. This is so crazy.


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[Assistant] Right. Yeah. Uh. We gotta get that from someone else. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That's exhausting. I feel like it was so tied into it having two sisters. That's like the moment you get home from school, it'd be like one of them would start with like all the girl drama from her end and the other would come home and by the end of the afternoon you're like, oh my god.


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[Assistant] You're like, oh my god. They're meaner. My sisters are so much meaner, actually. Like, people would be like, oh, Tom's the mean one. Like, the comedian says, I'm like, not like they are. They're way meaner.


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[Assistant] You don't need anything. Also, some people are just more skilled in this. I am a really good gift giver. I really am. And I've always been a good gift giver. And I enjoy it. I enjoy the whole process. And I remember, like, it was a few years into dating her, I was like,


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[Assistant] And I think I modeled, I modeled the behavior after my dad, who was very much into like expressing love with gifts. You know, he just, he would, but your birthday is Christmas. So I think I saw that and it just was in me very young. You're just copying the behavior you saw.


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[Assistant] But I also realize this over the years, is that the thrill really is for me. In other words, I do really enjoy the moments of the person opening the gifts. You know what I mean? The gift is for the giver.


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[Assistant] No, no, that's a very cool idea. Uhm, you really don't need to buy me anything. I'm serious. Very serious. I'm serious.


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[Assistant] He doesn't drive his cars. I hate that. I got this cool car and it just sits here and I'm like, you ever drive it? Nah, you don't want to drive this.


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[Assistant] That's why they made it. And I've found, like, I know that uhm, like the two companies where, you know, people are always like, oh, I got Porsche and Ferrari. They're always like, we want our buyers to drive these. That's why we made them. Right. It's not for, it's not a museum piece. Right.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean I think I would be bummed out about that, that that's, that's lost. Sure.


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[Assistant] I do think, I do think if something, it's a different price point for everybody, but it's like, if you go, this is too, like, I don't feel comfortable with this, then that's not for you. You know what I mean? Don't get the thing that makes you go like, Oh my God, I can't.


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[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you can't. And the clothes thing, I think, I mean, I've gone through closets and been like, oh yeah, that's, that'll be for the day that requires that shirt to be worn. What the fuck am I doing?


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[Assistant] I just donated so much. So much. Like almost 200 pieces of clothing.


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[Assistant] Well yea, two things. I mean, some of it, as soon as it's too big, I'm like, I don't want it in my closet. Right. If it's a size too big, I don't want it. What about size too small? Uh, I'll keep it. Right. For motivation.


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[Assistant] And then the other thing is I'm like, so I did that, like I got rid of things that were too big, and then on that kind of pass you go through it again and you're like,


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[Assistant] I'm not wearing this thing at all. Like I see the thing that's been hanging. I'm like, I've never touched this. I should just get it out of here. Try to make room. And here's the thing. I did that. Got rid of, I mean, literally.


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[Assistant] And she also eats like a horse. And she's like, I can't gain weight. I'm like, yeah, me too. Same.


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[Assistant] That's the first thing I thought, that's gonna break her fucking face open. That's what I was waiting for.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. I do find her sexy though, I gotta say.


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[Assistant] What? I do. For real? I like her. Yeah. Why? Cause she's not gonna say no.


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[Assistant] I saw this, uh, this account that this guy has like massive like snakes, you know, at a, it's like at a facility, it's not his house. And he's like, Oh boy. And then, you know, he brought in rabbits, big ass, threw them in and he's like, Oh, this one's not, she's not hungry. And he's like poking it and then it's like,


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[Assistant] And then they just kind of chill and look at the rabbit and they're just like...


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[Assistant] Yeaah. I don't know, I think this one's way more bananas to me.


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[Assistant] I know I'm not good enough, but just watch.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it goes piercing, butterfly, and then fucking Franco Harris over here.


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[Assistant] Uhm, you know, hug your families, tell your boys not to rip anyone, and uh,


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[Assistant] You know what? Keep the winning. They can keep the monkey pops. How's that working?


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[Assistant] Having a prominent movie like that, which lifts up getting lower on the scale, can really trigger people who have suffered with eating disorders in the past.


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[Assistant] Alright, Segura, I accept your challenge. I'll come to Austin, but you better bring an umbrella, because I'm gonna make it rain.


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[Assistant] For $5 a month, you get updated badges, new emojis,


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[Assistant] And you get early access to both YMH and to bears.


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[Assistant] Early access and no ads on all shows.


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[Assistant] And here we are. It's another episode of your mom's house podcast. Welcome. It is April. I am in Europa. Tonight I'm in Berlin. If you're watching this.


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[Assistant] The second it drops, uhm, appreciate all the European love. Uh, looks like Berlin's Tamara.


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[Assistant] Denver, the fantabulous comedy works in September.