[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, Daddy Jane's here, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I greatly appreciate my French press that you got me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I love it. I was intimidated by French press. Can I tell you how fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not smart I am. Well, I didn't know and didn't think to research making my first pot of the French press. Yeah, you went on intuition. Yeah, I looked at it and I'm like, oh, this is obvious. So I put all the grinds at the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then like press that there and I was like, that makes sense. Or like, no, it was like between.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uh, it's delicious and I love the process. I love the ritual of getting those beans out in the morning, grinding them, uh, finding out, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, you're waiting for the coffee to steep. And I don't know, I love trying these different coffee beans. Like what I missed, we were doing the pods, you know, they're very convenient, but I missed that ritual and I missed the smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of the beans and grinding it up. So now I'm buying coffee beans again and I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, there's uhm, let's see, there's this email, looking at the different emails that came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommies, I've struggled with the infinity wipe all my life. Every once in a while while I've eaten some moose soup, my b-hole behaves like a dirty bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the high and tight solution. Once you've identified that the cleanup is likely to go into infinity, simply flex your pooper as if you were trying to squeeze out a little dingleberry and proceed to wipe. When you're, how you say asshole is in the slightly flexed position, a hand with toilet paper can reach the hidden brown and Hitler's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your life will be changed forever. Try it out. Nick from Boston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Push. Yeah. And then when it's fully flexed, reach back there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta try it out. It's really, it really is the whole, the best thing ever. Try it out. Um, it's like a fire hose. The tushy one is. Yeah. 60 bucks or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I gotta admit, I finished browning now, and I just let water run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You asked exactly the way a kindergartner would ask. Like, how come I didn't think it was gonna be anything but a lot of chocolate in there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are amazing. But what is that? The mystery poops. Those are mysteries, yeaah. Then there's the ghost shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I consider a ghost shit when you shit and you wipe and nothing's on the page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, wait, is there shit somewhere else on my body?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you reach around, you're like, there's no shit on the cheeks, there's no-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are the best days. I think part of that too, I think you can prompt that a little bit. Somebody told me is if you spread your cheeks before you sit, so everything really goes apart. But I still think-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, interesting. So many different theories, you know. Uhm, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On a United flight, they just suggested the seatbelt be low and tight. This goes against all my beliefs. Should we start a campaign to educate them? All love, no hate, F all the haters. Nick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I want to be high and tight is the only way to live your life. Only way to live. I mean, low and tight, so terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is. It really is the worst experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it was the thing. I've seen them give- I've seen it done discreetly, which is nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like walking by, like they're dropping something off, you know, like not make a scene of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So another email here, uhm, this is one for you. What do you think of this? Why don't you read that out loud? I can't. Okay. Hi mommies, congrats jeans. My aunt and I have gotten into heated discussions about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I completely disagree. I've used my claws as shovels to grab that shit up from, from up in my brain. My question is obviously for Christina, queen of personality. Do you use your prego claws to your advantage or do you cut them? These are the thoughts I have after my husband has left for work and I'm picking my nose waiting for my coffee. Thanks mommies. I love you, Sarah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if somebody with long nails feels hearing that right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the flick, yea. But sometimes I dig with the index finger too. I've seldom seen you. And sometimes pinky. I've seen you do the pinky. Pinky, I'll do that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So nasty. You nasty. Now I'm into picking my son's nose. It's a fun game. It's kind of the best thing. It's very rewarding. He's like, he'll like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But our son, I love it. You remember last week, I think it was last week, there was a, there's this big news story that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dear leader, Trump, uhm, so, supposedly in a meeting,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I prefer to get people from Norway. I mean, you tell me if there's any subtext to that. But uhm, yeaah, so obviously, and then, you know, he came out and said, I never said that. And then people confirmed that he said that. And then, uh, I think Republicans that were in the meeting said they couldn't recall what he said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Either way, uh, there was a, this came in that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some big words were said on CNN by somebody who was trying to make a point about how offended


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was, by hearing the president say


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or the alleged comment that he said that there's people from Shiloh County.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a, oh, a mackerel. What? Link of the fish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was such a sectarian slur for Roman Catholics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's called Hungara-phobia. Anti-Hungarianism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is dislike, distrust, racism, xenophobia directed against the Hungarians?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can involve hatred, grievance, distrust, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, due to a Hungarian background. Trying to see if there's any, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a combination of Bohemian and Hungarian. Cool. And hunky. Derived from Bohunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty much through and through. I mean, you're a, you're a Christine the Bohunk. Yeah. Pretty accurate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to call Pollock a lot growing up. Did you? That makes sense though. It's more common. Yeah. Uh, yeaah. It's here. Spick, as defined here, is just a person of Hispanic descent. Um, theories include no speak English, and that's where Spick comes from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, that's from born on the 4th of July. That's where it was. Yeah, that's not real. That's kind of a made up one. Yeah. Spick's pretty good. Yeah. Spick, spick, spig or spiggety.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, grease ball, but that's an Italian, right? I guess you could also have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know you were going to go straight to that. Holy shit, bro. You got to kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're so sweet. Speaking of Conan, um, Ginger Boy O'Brien. Yes. Uh, I'm going back on his show. I'll be on there. If you're listening, I'll be there Thursday the 25th. That's exciting. So, um, please watch, please enjoy. I'll be talking to Mr. Conan O'Brien.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check it out, try it out. So, there's a new rapper on the scene. Oh, okay. Uhm, from Australia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, and our president would be glad to accept Australians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Uhm, anyways, this rapper,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Might have a cease and desist headed his way. Because guess what he's using as his MC name, his artistic name. He is going by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It's not impossible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those pre-sales are good for Australia. That's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, technique, the way that he goes from the, like his cadence kind of sets himself up for the next line? No. No? Uh, facial hair? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uhm, yeaah. It's pretty good. It is pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think again, you know, what he's missing is just a great producer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what were you fixated on? I got it. Teeth. Yeaah. Oh, I didn't think about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yeah, but that could be part of the hook of the like, you know, should we call it DJ?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, here's the thing, if you embrace it, it's like you embrace it. Yeaah. Like uhm, what's the lady, she has kind of crooked teeth. Which one? Uh, she's a, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so there was a time years ago when she was gonna fix her teeth. Oh yeah, no, no. And her fanbase flipped out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It became, it's kind of been this international, you know, sensation, but I've heard a lot of people talking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing I'm fascinated by, I've never seen this on Netflix, or really you don't see it that often, uh, if you are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My guess, and I, I wanna, I wanna research and find out if this is true, that they dubbed as opposed to subtitled because through their own research found that Americans didn't want to listen to German. It's a beautiful language. I think that's, I really think that's why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, why would they do that if that's not the case? Why is Narcos all in Spanish and subtitled?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. And I feel like Americans, for the most part, are like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Piss on us, beat us, try it out. Uh, thanks as always for listening to the show. Thanks for watching on YouTubes. The PoopTubes. We have some great guests coming up in, uhm, the next few weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your emails are always appreciated. The email address is your mom's podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At gmail.com. There's no house in that email. It's your mom's podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Christina, you gotta tell us next week about this, uh, show you did with Gal Gadot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's her mouth and her eyes. Yeaah. She's got a similar face. How funny. But she's missing something else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, talksagura.com, Christina P online, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that it dog cunt? Is that all we're doing? Here's dog cunt by brassica. We'll see you next week. We got some, we got a good one for you next week. All right. Love you. Bye guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone only sees, uhm, Mary Poppins. Oh, he is Mary Poppins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They send in a psychiatrist at the hospital, you know, they make sure you're not alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess you still have in your head. I feel like a different person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True weed alone can get you really hornier than normal, but Benadryl, take about ten, twelve Benadryl before you want to have your sexual fun with your partner or whatever you do or masturbate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a long time. It's a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to know what the name of that song is? What? It's called, How Do You Not Find It Funny? By Alan Bell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks everybody, a lot of people enjoy Johnny Pemberton's episode. How funny is he? He's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The good fortune of having a musician here before us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well let's get our stupidity going, okay? Yeaah. Here we go. We got so much to go through. Your mom's house, I'm your host, and uh, dear leader, Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, no, I don't think so. They have such a Florida vibe to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're all into like their training, fitness levels. You can tell they're really into, you know, bodybuilding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a, some people really like the extremes of the super muscular. That's a little much for me. But I'm saying there's some beautiful women doing it. It's the lifestyle. If you're a spouse, if you're not into that, it's like any other lifestyle choice because they're so dedicated. Like it's your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 24 seven. You don't become super yoked and lean like that unless you're always on top of like weighing your food. You're doing your three workouts a day or whatever. And you know, you had like, I didn't do lats. I got to get back in there. And then you got your cardio and it would just be such an all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has to be the partner who's doing it totally with you. Just by the way, the same, the same applies to if you were


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Growing weed at the house or something. It's like I have to either be supportive of you or doing it with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much you would have to do for how long to look like that. Yeaah. It's not gonna happen in a few months of you picking up weights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For years, like some of those people that, that get the really, really, really yoked, super muscular look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have a bit of body dysmorphia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing, a lot of those gym rats, uhm, one of those juice heads, you know, those gorilla juice heads, they're all upper body guys, so they have crazy, huge biceps and chests, and then they have these two little flamingo legs. Like sticks, yeaah. That's so funny. You see that all the time, I used to see that all the time at like the gold's gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was all in it. She was like, I think it's great that he feels, you know, so liberated and everything. And he's basically just like, I like to fuck, man. You know, I need someone I want to fuck him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh gosh, you have such nice legs. Yeaah, it's all like that. Thanks. You have nice shoulders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got, they, they, they showered at work together? Is that what I understand?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not excited to meet him. Your new dad. What is it? Love? Love after lockup? Is that what it's called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Yeah, you do. And then I get mad, I get mad more at the civilians, not at the prisoners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, he's trying to find the whole, the loophole that it's really about spreading the gospel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if that's you? That's what I'm saying, like, okay, would you, okay. So I'm like, babe, I'm a Dalmatian 24-7.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, first of all, I mean, it's gotta be bodybuilder. I'm not excited about it. I don't want to do it, but there's no way I could throw myself into the puppy lifestyle for a decade. I mean, it's just, it's look, I mean, I would never work again if I was a puppy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boarding flights, and I'd be like, do I have to sit under the seat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's never women doing this. There's never like, cute girls being like, I wanna be a dog. I want you to put a tail in my butt. No, it's always guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are guys so disgusting? Guys being like, I'm going to be a dog. Make sure we're at, pretend we're at the vet and I need a tail. But really you just shoved this dildo up my asshole and we'll call it a tail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just fucked up, man. I don't know why. This is just like misdirected sexual energy, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you keep repressing it, and then maybe he teases it once to someone, and it gets shot down, so then it goes back to being bottled up, bottled up, and then one day he's like, I'm gonna live life as a dog, and then you guys just fucking put me in a cage, and it goes to an extreme.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, cause it's also, there's nothing wrong, I'm not trying to kink shame people, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well everyone's told that, right? Shit. I think so, but I'm saying so, you need like, healthy encouragement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uhm, part of our new lifestyle. Some people are into singing and Jesus, and we're into going to bed. So, I'm into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You fucking, I was a late night guy for so long. You know, our whole relationship, it was all, you'd be going to bed and I'd be like, I'll see you when I see you, man. I would be up till two, three in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little embarrassing, but. It's a little embarrassing. It makes getting up tolerable too. Yeaah. Because, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sick right now and my theory is still that it happened when I got bad sleep. I went to bed real late the other night and I had to get up and I could feel myself breaking down. I don't know how these guys do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can do, I can do, I like being up late, but I have to be able to sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when I first started to put on weight. I was doing that shift actually. Yea, of course. I went into that thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so then Thursday, you're, so Wednesday you fly across the country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then a show Thursday. Sometimes they would have Friday press too. Right. They wake you up the next day to do press again. Two shows Friday, two shows Saturday, one show Sunday. Yes. All that fly back home Monday, sometimes on a connecting flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really great. So he had his, it's not the most premium audio because he told his friends to record it for them. So he's like, there's a couple, you know, it's not like super clear. It's not from the station, but this is the best, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't incest adjacent? Cause he's just, she's not like involved. She's just like, dude, stop fucking my mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The daughter has a boyfriend, and the mom's like, I don't know if you know what you're doing yet, so I'm gonna teach you so that you can please my daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The real problem is just the most horrific poverty you can imagine. That too. Yeah. But yeah, it's a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Settler in India. 100%. Not even a doubt in my mind. It'd be great to do that type of work. It'd be humbling. I would, uhm, make new friends. Finally stop doing comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody by the way messaged me that, remember I was, we were playing that clip and I go, on the last episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you, I'll tell you, together I don't know, but I do know that I have multiple memories of suggesting Indian food and you shutting it down, being like, we're going to get diarrhea, we're going to get diarrhea. You, especially when we lived on the east side, every time I would suggest Indian food, you would always be like, we're going to get sick, we're going to get diarrhea, I don't want to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you had bad memories of going to one and there was a rat at one or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very well written email ad. And I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, you know, what I would do, maybe at this point, first of all, is I would 100% uhm, I would assume that the cat liked being addressed as a female, and I would go back to treating it like a female.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it was obviously the cat knew that it wanted to be a female.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a cum connoisseur, I woke up this morning smelling like dicks and I was wondering...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Asking mommies gives me the best chance of getting a well-analyzed answer to my question. In Jesus' name, Lisa the Ball Hog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's something you'd, if I, if I were you, I would throw in the towel on that and try to, try to, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shirt has, uh, it says, not Los Angeles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love the shirt though. It is great. If you want to rep LA, it is a really cool shirt. Uh, he wrote, my C cup slut girlfriend, her brother and I all went to Des Moines. Um, we had a great time. One could say that, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever get, uh, by the way, on the phone sometimes it's super frustrating when, I mean, I could, I'll say this. I could tell sometimes it's English as a second language person. They'll be like, your name and I'll tell them. They're like, I'm sorry. I'm like, Tom. And they're like, could you spell it? I'm like, T-O-M. And they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it is like, and then you can hear people go, John. I'm like, no, no, no. I understand that. What's more alarming are the amount of people who are so lazy that they've known us for a while. And they'd be like, how's Christine doing? I'm like, I've known you for five years. For five years. You haven't gotten her name right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes too, you know, it's like, I'm kind of like defending us because we go and we, we meet more people than most people do. Yes. Right? Cause like you, yes. And some, and you know, there's, there are clubs that everybody that you love and you walk into. Right. And you're like, it's so good to be back. Yeah. And sometimes it'll be, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's come on. My favorite, sometimes people go, uh, after the show, they go, you remember me? An audience person, like from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get that too about like in the, you know, when you do like press radio, I think it's like so, it shows like a level of just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's again, it's like laziness and, and just zero regard when they go like, and then we have you on the, you know, and so they, they have a computer and they're like, you're here. It's got a great podcast called, uh, go over to you, see your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's open the show. Here we go. Tom Pop is here. Let's have some fun. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cool to have that, like, that's the thing about sports that like, you know, I think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I love sports. I don't really care who I'm like, then you're not getting the thrill of it. The thrill is that you're either really excited or super bummed out and angry. That's the fun part. So you're having like a pretty good time, I guess right now. I mean, it's up and down all the time, but like Giants are a fun team to follow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I don't follow baseball at all, but sometimes I'll meet a guy and he'll be like, well, you know, I don't like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really anything but baseball. And I'll be like, yeah, okay, but I get that. Like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but anyways, they asked this lady how she, I actually would think that too, right? If you saw these crazy long nails, how do you do any number of things, but how does she wipe her butt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you, uhm, doing with your life? You're not. Why would you inconvenience yourself just to be like, I'm the super gross long nails person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny, we watched the, we watched the whole segment on this guy in Mexico with the world's biggest penis. And it turns out that, uh, it was absolutely


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Enormous, we're talking like down to the ankle, but what they discovered


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they did these CAT scans was that the penis actually was under all this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Extra skin. It was like, so penis actually was, let's say, whatever, seven inches. And then he had overgrown skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like an elephant trunk. So then they go, these doctors were like, you know, you can't even enjoy life with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd rather have that than you give me back like a normal life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this is from the, like, the cat scan thing. Uh huh. It's like penis is here in the middle. That's it. This is penis. Uh huh. This is like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Skin on the outside, and they're like, oh, your penis actually ends way before all this excess growth. I'm so confused. It looks like they skinned a horse. I know. This is just like a high whatever, a topography scan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe his, he feels special being next to someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that. Um, email says, hello mommies. I have a totally blind neighbor that walks his dog around the neighborhood every day. The other day coming home, I see him picking up his small dog's poop. How do blind people know their dog is pooping and not just smelling something or taking a break? How do they find it and pick it up? Keep them high and tight. Big fan, Michael.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody can be legally blind or, you know, medically they're, they're considered blind and disabled in that regard, but


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[Assistant] I think this is probably, his neighbor is probably somebody that has some visual ability.


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[Assistant] Place to grab, though, is kinda dicey, right? I mean, even when you have perfect vision, you're like, oh, you're real careful usually when you pick that up, you know?


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[Assistant] Well maybe, we've been getting a lot of feedback, maybe some blind people can weigh back in.


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[Assistant] The one thing that blew my mind was the range of kids that were in the school.


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[Assistant] I don't know. Everybody has a different reaction, but I've found that... Just let Tom watch it, please. Okay, Tom's watching it.


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[Assistant] Now, I don't want to assume your, you have children, their pronouns. Are you open to sharing them or no? They. They? Okay. They. And they use them. Them's. Them's. Them's kids.


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[Assistant] To those, to them kids, that's how they identify. As them. Do they? Do they?


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[Assistant] And were they born with, did you project your own pronoun on them when they were born? Yes. What did you label them as?


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[Assistant] Interesting. But then isn't the teacher being like, he should play with his doll.


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[Assistant] Anyone who gives you problems at school, you punch them in the face.


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[Assistant] Camp guy camp. Can you imagine? That's like when we talk about like, when I told my, when non-binary came into the lexicon, I called my parents and I recorded it. And I was like, do you know about non-binary? And my mom was like, what? You know, people that are neither boy nor female. And like, you could hear literally wheels in their heads.


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[Assistant] In a place where they're lacking for food. You know? Or at war. Yeaah. If you're in the Congo and you're like, hold on a second though, why do you keep telling me to line up with the dudes? And they're like, wait what? Like, I'm non-binary. Why are you bringing this up? There's a lion right there.


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[Assistant] It's like, it's only where things are comfortable that things like this become an issue.


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[Assistant] Can you imagine, you know how like some artists, you know, hate their audience or their fans? Can you imagine the level of like, that he hates everything? Yes. You know what I mean? Oh my god. Cause he's definitely, I'm sure, a bit of an elitist. Gotta be.


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[Assistant] Yeah, because he's also dancing, he's dancing the line of being like, of asking a sincere question, wanting it. Then he's also got to play to the crowd that knows it's bullshit. He's like, really? But not too much where she feels like, oh, you're totally mocking me. That's a gift. That is a gift.


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[Assistant] So we have, uhm, you know, a lot of times we, we feature dad boners on our show and a dad boner is somebody, it's a dad, somebody in our age range who gets very excited. And we've, we've had to then break it down into two lanes. There's the, like the real,


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[Assistant] The highway in Canada, it's like, why are you...


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[Assistant] Then there's other ones where we feel like it's actually justified because it's something truly awesome. In other words, somebody will get excited about


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[Assistant] 30 minutes over Washington or something. It was basically where we were mocking...


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[Assistant] Uh, politicians ad campaigns, and the way that, there is one, this is in Virginia, where they tried to, I guess, use Top Gun. Uh huh. But like, this dude put out this ad. This is a real ad, this airing. For a congressman. That guy's running for congressman. Oh my god. Done like Top Gun. He's got my vote.


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[Assistant] Well he's combining elements of Top Gun with the scene.


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[Assistant] Because I think you can register, especially if you're a performer, when you're like, this bad, this is a bad show. You're doing, you're not doing well right now, right? It makes you uncomfortable to see somebody.


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[Assistant] There's something that registers differently, I think, if you perform when you watch a performance. You read it differently. Oh, completely.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but that documentary, it's, it's, it's a wide range of, and this is a guy who's done


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[Assistant] Christina P has a new special, Mother Inferior, premiering October 10th on Netflix. You can queue it up right next to your Rocko documentary. Watch them back to back.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I have, oh, I put the, uh, the signed vinyls of Completely Normal are in the store, if you wanted those, and I also signed


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[Assistant] Uhm, the leftover posters from the Denver taping, those are in the store as well. We just did that, right? I did that last weekend. Oh, how'd it go? It was awesome, man. It was a lot of fun. Awesome.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, uh, please go to TomSegura.com, check out the, uh, the live dates. I told you Toronto and, uh, we'll see you soon and the store is there as well. Thank you, Tom, for coming today. This is the best. You're so good.


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[Assistant] You don't necessarily have to be together to make this work because this is an energy exchange. Why am I thinking you could be in separate rooms and do this? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Now at this age, Martina desperately wanted to look like Pamela Anderson.


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[Assistant] Of course! But that's the joie de vivre, that's the whole reason you live, you take the gamble on a fart like that.


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[Assistant] I have grandkids. And how many do you have? All my life. That's why I really want to admit this. Yeah, why not? I have four grandkids. Isn't that crazy?


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[Assistant] I have four grandkids, yeaah. I mean, it's so banana. You know, I tried to, uh, so when my son was, when he told me he was pregnant for the first time, right? And he goes, you get to pick your grandfather name.


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[Assistant] Alright, right. So I was really excited about being able to pick my grandfather name because there's zero chance I'm going with grandpa or papa or whatever. Yeah, okay.


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[Assistant] So my wife went with BB, which I like, I like BB.


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[Assistant] Because I thought it would be really funny if they were like, where are you going? We're going to B.B. in the Brown's house. I'm like, that sounds like a, like a good place to be. And plus, it would be, it's not grandpa. And so my son said, he said, uh, no. And I go, what do you mean no?


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[Assistant] You said I could pick it. And he was like, does everything have to be a joke? I'm like, yeah. Are you, are you new? Yeah, this is the way it goes. But I settled on Jojo.


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[Assistant] I used to say the same thing to my grandfather, who would never leave the house without a button down shirt, his fedora, a jacket, and I was like, you know, we're just going...


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[Assistant] Our grandparents would have never thought of leaving the house dressed like this much less to be seen in front of however many people.


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[Assistant] So he's cutting his- and I- and I say to the guy next to me, I go, hey man. I go, you gotta say something to him. He goes, well what am I gonna say? I go, watch.


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[Assistant] Listen, anybody who cuts their toenails know, you don't know where they're going. They're shooting, they're like fireworks. They're shooting all over the place, right? He's like, it's right over here. I'm like, no, it's not. It's there everywhere. I said, and plus it's gross, man. It's like the dude at the Trader Joe's near my house who had a


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[Assistant] I go, well, you, you can't, and it was in the produce section. I go, you can't have a possum in the produce section. He goes, well, I don't think there's any rule. I go, I think there is. And he goes, well, I'm not leaving until somebody tells me to. I was like, wait right here. I'll be right back.


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[Assistant] You know what, you said something funny about like being the purple lady and wearing clothes. I have to ask you because I did this and I've never asked another comic if they did. When you started doing comedy, did you have...


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[Assistant] An idea going in like, these are the clothes I'm gonna wear as a comedian.


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[Assistant] Right now I'm super excited. I'm going to find you. So what happened was, I remember- Can I google it or no? Uh, oh it's right here. Were you the wolfster? Like did you have like a wolf? Do you wear wolf costume? Worse. I remember thinking.


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[Assistant] I remember thinking to myself. I got the picture right here. Seattle. Okay. So I remember thinking to myself. Alright. How am I gonna stick out?


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[Assistant] Poked out a vest underneath, that's the hat I always wore on stage.


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[Assistant] It's the worst headshot of all time. But I was like, here's the thing. I have terrible. That's really good. I have terrible, terrible, terrible Jew hair, right? Wait, you're a Jew? A hundred percent. Oh man, we gotta change the whole.


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[Assistant] In order to get my hair, I have to go to the black salons to get the product to really- What? Yeaah, cause the Jufro hair is the worst. So in order to get it to look like that, I had to get it wet, I had to put the product in it, and keep it in a ponytail until like five seconds before the picture, and then I let it down.


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[Assistant] I guess so. You know, I remember, cause I started with Joey Diaz and Brody.


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[Assistant] Well, you know, Joey used to- So crazy. Joey used to go on stage in a three-piece suit. I can see that. At 220 pounds max? Yeah, look at that, buddy! Looking good. Now, first of all, I bought that shirt with my very first structure credit card.


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[Assistant] Because structure, for those of us back then who didn't have any money, it made me feel fancy.


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[Assistant] Jewelry. So what year is this? Jewelries, uh, I'm gonna call this 95 or 6.


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[Assistant] Maybe two, you know the first time I ever, not the first, well actually the first time I ever got on stage I was fifteen. Really? Fifteen. Damn.


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[Assistant] The fourth time I ever got on stage, luckily or unluckily, I had to open for Sam Kinnison.


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[Assistant] Okay, I'm in San Antonio. 19 years old I think, maybe 20, 19, 20.


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[Assistant] And uhm, I did a comedy competition, contest, not competition, at a bar.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but even at that age, you know, I was basically, the first time I ever got on stage, I asked the guy who put on the show, what should I talk about? He said talk about what you know. And what I really knew is that my parents fart all the time.


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[Assistant] And then I started to talk about her farting and it got slower, like zee, zee.


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[Assistant] You know, right? But I closed with a story about how we were driving down the mass pike when I was a kid and my mom was farting like crazy in the car. We were in the back of the station wagon.


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[Assistant] With our head out that, you know, the back window? Yeah. And my dad pulls over on the freeway. And he goes to my mom, Ellen.


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[Assistant] Those are the jokes I had done. Yeah. That's good, that's solid. I go to San Antonio, I do my stand-up. Especially for like, by the way, a third or fourth time. Third or fourth time, right? Crazy, yeah. So, I go. I win because the bar was packed full of my friends. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Sam Kinnison's coming to town. His opener, Carl LeBeau. You know Carl? Yes! Yes! So Carl's dad at the time, and I think, I hope I'm not-


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[Assistant] Hey, do you want to open for Sam Kinison? And I believe the name of the club in San Antonio was Sneakers. And wait, to be clear.


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[Assistant] No, he's Sam Kinnison. He's Sam Kinnison and he's Sam Kinnison to the point where he's at the point of his career where he's told everybody he's sober.


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[Assistant] So, here's, talk about fashion by the way, here's how confused I am when I show up.


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[Assistant] I am wearing, uh, black cowboy boots with the silver


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[Assistant] I have basically white acid washed pretty baggy jeans. This is awesome.


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[Assistant] I'm wearing, I'm confused because I don't know what to wear. I'm wearing a blue button down shirt, not tucked, no I'm sorry, tucked in. With one of those thin black belts. I have my hair, that hair, in a ponytail.


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[Assistant] And I'm wearing that black leather jacket I showed you in the first over, over my blue button down shirt tucked into my acid wash jeans. God, you look like such a dick. The biggest dick in the world. And I'm standing in front of a crowd.


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[Assistant] You know, as comedians, when people are there to see their guy, and-


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[Assistant] I'm so scared right now. So, you know how much material you have, fourth time on stage? Oh man. Should you be standing in front of a rock crowd like that? Sold out. Sold out. Energy through the


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[Assistant] Because he's, he's the first rock and roll comedian. Do you know what I mean? So it's, people are not sitting down either. It's the first time, especially I had ever seen anything like that. It's the fourth time on stage. I don't know what I'm doing. No MC. No. No MC. Just voice of God.


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[Assistant] Oh nooo. Do you know how much material I had? That farting bit? Yea, I had like three and a half, if I stretched it a little bit, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] Bye, and I'm supposed to do 25 minutes. This is how poorly it went.


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[Assistant] So for the next 20 minutes, you stayed up there that long? Stayed up there the whole time. I even repeated, because I only had 5 minutes of material,


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[Assistant] After Sam set, and Sam was visibly fucked up the first show. Yeah. So they were like, oh man, how's he gonna, he was like, listen man, for this second show,


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[Assistant] I was like, I almost felt like saying, did you not watch the first show? I was hoping instead of this, we would do some of this. You know, we could shorten it instead of lengthen it.


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[Assistant] They don't know they're working with a guy who's done this thing up four times. At 18 minutes. Yeah. Because I know at 20 I gotta look over to him. I literally start to flop sweat.


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[Assistant] A minute more than I did in the early show. I don't know what I'm fucking doing. Is the second crowd worse? They're drunker.


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[Assistant] It's late. They're fucked up. It's a kinesis crowd. It's a kinesis crowd. They've been, this show, second show started late. They've been waiting outside for 45 minutes, like caged animals, and they finally got let loose on me.


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[Assistant] It was a shit show. I ended up doing 30 the second show. Oh my god. But, I will tell you something. And it was


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[Assistant] Maybe the worst, two worst sets I've ever had in my life for a bunch of reasons, but you know what it did? Very early on, it just showed me, I can, whatever happens. It's never gonna get worse than that. It's never, because the same thing happened that second show. They just stopped paying attention to that. I was even there.


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[Assistant] I did one joke about how I had just read about how there was a guy who died.


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[Assistant] And his wife still wanted to have, this is a true news story, his wife still wanted to have babies with the guy.


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[Assistant] And after he died, told the doctor, how do I still have babies with this guy?


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[Assistant] And the joke was, I mean, that's terrible. Can you imagine being that doctor just like, alright.


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[Assistant] I think I had some, I think, I, I think. How big was that venue? Well, I think, you know, looking back on things, they grow in scope sometimes, and I'm, it's been however many years I was, more than 20 years, but had to be Rock Club in San Antonio, 500 people? Yeah. Seems about right. Wow. But I was- That's right.


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[Assistant] And I find... They're not chill at all. I'm intimidated a little bit by comedy audiences who are standing.


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[Assistant] Did the two of you start? Cause you said I'm doing that because it's not fun for me.


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[Assistant] At what point did you start doing that in your career? You were like, you know what? It's important that this is also fun for me.


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[Assistant] You know what I find that happens to me when I go out too much?


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[Assistant] Yeah, and by the way, that's the whole thing, like, I know it's my job, but I also want it to be enjoyable.


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[Assistant] In particular, which is why I'm making a concerted effort to get on stage more in town. I don't know if this is gonna come across right, if I'll articulate it correctly, but I think the more I'm on the road, the worse I, of a comic I am.


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[Assistant] And I start to be, some shows, not that they're not getting good shows, but artistically, I'm on autopilot. And so I'm not discovering and I'm not...


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[Assistant] I'm not, when I'm, what, bored isn't the right word either, but when I'm on autopilot, I'm not taking chances. Oh, totally. Do you guys find the same thing?


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[Assistant] I did that the whole, this whole past year I did that exact thing.


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[Assistant] And I didn't, honestly, it was a conversation with Rogan last night at the Comedy Store. Last night? Last night. He said something to me and it just was like a, I was like, oh my god, that's why. He always does that. That's fucking why. What was it? Well actually, he mentioned something that you said.


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[Assistant] He was like, he said, Tommy talked about, you know...


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[Assistant] I don't want people to think that they're getting cheated. No. They're still, they're enjoying the dance moves.


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[Assistant] A lot. Of course. They really are. Dance moves kill. They kill!


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[Assistant] But that's the thing, when you, it's more, it's less about cheating the audience. I'm not cheating them, they're having a good time. It's more about cheating myself. Right? Because I'm relying on something that I know is gonna work.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you know, there's like, there's a part in one story that I know, if I make this face with this move, but I'd rather just the words. But sometimes I'm like, but the face and the move, they love the face and the move.


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[Assistant] So you know what I found, and after talking to Joe last night, because I did not sleep a lot last night, just thinking, Oh dude, because I found myself, as I analyzed my last year on the road,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just turn your brain off, like, we're not talking politics, I tell stupid stories, like, that's how it goes. But part of me when I watch Rogan and Burr, I'm like,


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[Assistant] That's how I wanna deliver it. But you know, you mentioned something about


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[Assistant] There's been something I've always wanted to do on stage, but just because we have such a tiny community about how you're judged, I've just never done it. But my live shows have exploded, it's not the right word, but


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[Assistant] It's been a great thing for my live shows. I love and have always loved what I loved about Sandra a lot. I love those stupid fucking songs he sang. Because they were fun.


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[Assistant] And so my thing in the last couple years on stage has always been like, hey, you're not going to learn anything. This show is just about having fun. Like I want you to leave here like you had a good time. And that's my concern.


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[Assistant] It took me up until two years ago to be, to feel that.


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[Assistant] So, my brothers, you know, we're all northeastern Jews. My brothers are all like, I'm...


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[Assistant] I'm not gonna laugh at that show. I'm like, come to the show. Do you know, and it used to kill me when people would badmouth him.


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[Assistant] And such a nice guy. And do you know, we counted one night, 372 punchlines in his act.


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[Assistant] And so my brother was like, I'm not gonna laugh. I go, let me tell you something. You may not laugh at a hundred.


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[Assistant] There's 272 other punchlines. Everybody laughs at something. And then when I was wrestling with the whole guitar thing, cause I have fun, he's the one who finally was like, hey man,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You seen my act? And I go, yeah. He goes, what do I do at the end of the act? I go, you bring out the guitar. He goes, how many tickets do I sell? And I was like,


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[Assistant] And he said, your job, your only job is to entertain the people sitting in front of you. You can't entertain Bill Burr's crowd or Joe Rogan's crowd, that's not your crowd. Don't worry about their crowd, worry about your crowd. And that was the thing where I was like, and my crowd loves


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[Assistant] I'm not saying they don't, and I don't work at my craft, I work very hard at my craft.


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[Assistant] And that's the thing that I think I get caught at, where I felt like, well maybe I'm not providing the same amount of entertainment because they're not learning anything or they're not- Which is not true. Which is not true. It's not true. Because Mike Myers, Adam Sandler, those movies, I mean it's not Schindler's List, which was not that funny, but- Right.


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[Assistant] It's always fascinating for somebody who's super accomplished, who's put out five or six or seven albums or however many hours to go back to that first hour as a comedian and go, okay, if I was gonna rework this album, what would I do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's interesting, you both have mentioned getting on stage or performing just to kill. Yeah. And so I just filmed a special in Boise, right? Congratulations. Thank you. What's it called? Northeastern Jewboy? That's what I was going for, but they're not for whatever reason. That's stupid. Yeah, I tried Kike Central.


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[Assistant] I had somebody online, I'm having such a good time. Anti-Semites are so funny to mess with online. I love trolling the trolls. But this one dude was just going in on me about how Jews aren't white. And I was like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, here's what I did want to ask you about. So the special, the killing part, right? So, this hour of material.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This special, I tried to do something different. I start with one story and I end with the same story. It's basically one long story. Jesus. Now I go in and out with some tangents, but it's a story about how my son challenged me to a fight. And that, how in every young man's life, and how every young man's life


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[Assistant] You know, you look at your dad at least one time and you think, Oh, I could beat the shit out of this dude. Right? At least one time. Really? Oh, you think about it, you may not do it but you fantasize about beating the fuck out of your dad at least once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's interesting, if you were said, hey, give me your funniest hour material, that's not what this special would be. Right. But I think this is my best special.


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[Assistant] I wa- first I wanted to do something, because I love telling stories. That's my- right? And I love telling long stories. And I used to be really scared of the silence. Of course. And then til somebody said, hey that means they're listening, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That means they're listening. They're really listening. They're listening. But, so this special


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[Assistant] For me, it's super scary, because it's incredibly personal.


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[Assistant] It's incredibly personal. And so I've gone back and like,


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[Assistant] Recently I'm going back and forth with the editor and I'm like, are those first 12 minutes funny enough? And he keeps...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, they're not as funny as the last 48, but he keeps saying, you're telling a story. This is one long story. Think of it as a script. The first act has to set up the story. 60 minute story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. It goes in and out, right? Yea, right. To justify some things that I do and that he does, but yea, it's- I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's one of two. It's either Josh Wolf, Father of the Year.


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[Assistant] I understand that they, that was not open. Uh, but yeaah, and I shot it myself. Paid for it myself. Wow. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna be shopping at the beginning of January. Good for you man. But I don't know, like that's a part of the business that I don't know anything about and I don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if there's a bad place for it to live, but I'm excited for people to see it.


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[Assistant] Is your biggest strength as a comic and your biggest weakness.


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[Assistant] I feel like my biggest weakness is the theatrics of it. Because when I'm not confident


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[Assistant] I get a little, instead of going back to my craft, I just, I get bigger, and I think it's the complete wrong way. You get bigger as a performer? I get bigger as a performer, and I'm ruining my own, I'm taking away the work part of it, and I go for the easy. And by the way, I don't think there's a problem with getting bigger, but as long as you've already done your work,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Cause it can enhance the joke, but not making it the joke. And my weakness is to, sometimes I take the easy and I go for that. I go way too easy. And I think that you, like you said, it's from the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well first, I agree with you 100%, I've always said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would rather follow an hour of Joey Diaz than 15 minutes of Joey Diaz.


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[Assistant] Cause if he's firing on all cylinders at 15 minutes...


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[Assistant] It's problematic. Over! But you go back, I was gonna say, his anger...


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[Assistant] Is what few, like that kinderson thing, people relate when he dips into that.


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[Assistant] So he used to go on stage and just tell jokes. I mean...


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[Assistant] Jokes. He, he closed his set. He would kill me if I told anybody this. But he used to close his set on a street joke about, you know, something about a French guy jizzing on some curtains. Something like that. Sounds good. Yeaah. But he would bomb until three or four minutes into his act when nobody was laughing and he would get mad.


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[Assistant] And then he would crush. Then he, his jokes were terrible. But as soon as he turned on this one night, it was so funny. And you know what's crazy about him?


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[Assistant] If you, on paper, if you looked at him, you're like, this dude, how is, everybody gets offended, right? Yeah. Nobody.


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[Assistant] One night, there was two Asian women right up front. Yeah. And we're just, we're here, it might have been at the haha.


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[Assistant] That's why the Twitter jokes don't work, because you can't tell tone. But on stage, I've always said that, is that at the end of the day, it's not the word, it's intent. It's the intent with the word that really bothers people.


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[Assistant] It used to be kinda fun and now it's like no fun at all because you can't even tell a joke.


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[Assistant] I have to admit that I am not the most regular flosser, but I try to remember. I did chip four of my lower teeth two weeks ago.


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[Assistant] Like because a chip tooth can dramatically change who you are. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] A chip tooth, like one bad chip tooth, you're like, yeah, that, it goes from, oh, this dude is like a successful. My favorite people.


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[Assistant] Yeah, cause there's other things that you're just gonna open up your whole, your whole world to things like apples. Yeah. Celery. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like a tough garlic bread. You know, something like that you have to chew on a little bit. Crackers, man. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Gum? Anything where you're like, my dad. So my dad's teeth are.


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[Assistant] Yeah, my dad too, but that's cause his teeth are like fucked. But you always, you can tell he chews his gum right up front.


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[Assistant] Because he can't chew them on the side. Nooo. I hate wha- I'm like, I hate watching you chew gum, dude. Because it's like, You know what I mean? He chews them in his front teeth. He chews them-


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[Assistant] They, they have like a motorcycle shop on that street so the gangs don't come in there. But this dude, we went down and donated this mother of five daughters, single mom, hadn't had a working refrigerator in six months.


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[Assistant] She told me that she kept her refrigerator in the backyard because it kept the food cooler in the backyard than it did in the house.


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[Assistant] So we provided like, some shit, but they have a little, this church.


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[Assistant] Next door, they all have a property. They have this great property. And the guy was like, we want this to be boys and girls clubs for this area.


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[Assistant] But for the arts. Because the schools down there don't have an arts program. So he's trying to make that place next to the church be like Boys and Girls Club, but instead of geared towards sports, geared towards the arts. Yeah. And it's, that's our next thing. That's very cool. I think so because he was like in these neighborhoods, especially in the hood. Lastly, I just realized, uh, we have our thing. We're gonna do it for your dad. Yeah, yeah. Where does your dad live?


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[Assistant] Can I offer an idea that may sound crazy? Straws? But isn't it just as easy to carry a little floss?


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[Assistant] Now have you hit, cause my kids are obviously old, have you hit that point? What age was he when you looked at him and you were like, I don't know what I'm doing.


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[Assistant] You got shit on your neck, buddy? Like why do you have shit on your neck?


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[Assistant] And then, you know when they poop up? Yeah. And I call my mom, I'm like, they poop up? She was like, yeah, it's really weird. I'm like,


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[Assistant] And she was like, yeah, she was like, yeah, she said, just so you know, like, I go, I don't know how that happens. She goes, it's not going to be the first time you're confused. Just let it.


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[Assistant] Good, you know what the most frustrating thing is? You're like, why won't you take a nap?


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[Assistant] You know what's funny is, and I think only because of circumstance,


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[Assistant] I honestly never felt that because when my kids were young I was single and there was three of them. And so things worrying about things like that.


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[Assistant] There was too many. Do you know what I mean? Not that I wouldn't have, I just didn't have the time.


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[Assistant] To think about why is that me? That makes sense though. There was no time, there wasn't time for that instinct, which I'm sure would have kicked in, to kick in because when he was crying, there were two other kids. So I couldn't let that, it's interesting.


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[Assistant] What you learn is that there's crying and then there's crying.


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[Assistant] So shut the fuck up. Yeah, right? So I know that cry. That cry can be cured with a Capri Sun. So I am not going to address that cry. This crying here, which seems to involve blood,


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[Assistant] The cry, when they cry it out themselves, what I found, like if they were, if they cried because they were scared or they were hurt a little bit, sometimes, and I felt, at first I would feel like a bad parent, but I was like, I got, by the time I got to them, their crying was done.


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[Assistant] I found the next time their cries were shorter because they were like, I figured my way through this last time. So I know at the end of this, I'm actually going to be okay. So it was an accidental good lesson for me, but it was accidental because I just was not, I didn't have enough man hours to focus on all three of them. And look, for sure,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I put too much responsibility on my oldest son sometimes. I think about what I asked a seven year old to do.


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[Assistant] Listen, I need you to watch your brother. He's six months old, but here's what I need you to do. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] It's so bizarre. Now, looking back, I'm like, I can't believe I asked him to do that shit! Survival!


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[Assistant] This is our trauma segment. That is like a bad real life scene from IT. Do you know the opening of? No, I haven't seen it. Too scary. Great. Great. I'm gonna also send you a video that is one of my favorite. Now there's one video I do want to show you guys that you can't just show all willy nilly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna show, this is my favorite, uh,


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[Assistant] This is my favorite video that I've seen in a long time. You're gonna message it to me? I'm sending it to you right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He sounds like he's taking a shit though, doesn't he? In the sewage system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do you think he got, you know how in some streets they have that little opening where the water drains? So you think he slides in one of those? Well no wonder he's stuck, it's hard to ride a bike down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my favorite non-dirty video that I've been sent in a long time. Okay. Cause now most of the videos I-


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[Assistant] I'm not gonna lie to you, if you were like, I'm gonna give you ten tries and write out a two sentence description of what a pap smear is, I'd be like, I don't know that I could do that. It's just the worst. Could you just, if I said right now, what's a pap smear, could you tell me what it is? That you scrape the pussy out.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I had it right. Yeah, I mean, it's, it's, it's, he's right. It's horrendous. I'm surprised I haven't


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[Assistant] I don't know what it is. Should I just play it? Yeah, it's funny. Just so you know, it's a dude trying to pronounce three words.


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[Assistant] It's, and there's a lot of great nuance to the, just, yeaah, it's one of my favorites.


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[Assistant] Who wrote the speech form? Like, didn't they run one word? Hey, listen here. And didn't he look and be like, I can't say that word. Which word? The one right at the beginning. It's a Benini.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I- Listen, I do think that people don't ride their bike enough nowadays though, so I- I- That's very true. I'm happy to see somebody-


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[Assistant] That's what she wanted to say. Yeah, exactly. What she wanted to say was, I made it pretty fucking clear. I'm wearing white. Two and a half hours ago. So this ship is not getting that. Yeah, she was not.


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[Assistant] Well, listen, I hope nobody's wearing what I wear. Because I- Well, you were wearing some cool stuff. I, you know, I've got structure, I've got a structure shirt- Oh, a structure card! I've got my own structure card, and I remember, that's where people knew. I just saw this, was this lady getting a pap smear?


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[Assistant] So you really, but no, I think you...


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[Assistant] Look, I, I watch you and I could never deliver things the way you do. You know how you mentioned, the way you said you just kind of, your stillness?


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[Assistant] But dude, that is powerful to hold that many people for that long in that being that still.


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[Assistant] It's really, because that's one of the things that makes young comics scared. Right, definitely.


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[Assistant] I've always, I've always looked at his comedy as that stalking the stage fits his material. It does.


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[Assistant] It's the energy keeper. It's a great mix for him. I think it really, it fits his energy, it fits his material, it fits how he attacks.


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[Assistant] Is it as a performer or a writer do you think? Do you think your strength lies on stage or in front of the computer?


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[Assistant] I write on stage. I don't do that. I know you write a lot on stage. Deliver it. You write in front of a computer. Now let me ask you something because I can't do it on stage. When I write in front of a computer,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I get so worried about the exact words. Yes.


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[Assistant] Naturalness goes away, because I'm thinking about the exact words that I wrote. I totally get that. Do you? Did that happen to you?


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[Assistant] But that's, so for you, you write, but the punchlines you write, you write, you write right.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I wish I could do more of that. I feel like I'm better.


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[Assistant] Grabbing the idea of a story, for me when I tell a story, a new story, like I'm working on a story right now.


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[Assistant] That is like 16 minutes long. And I would love to get it down to 12 or 13 is what it feels like it should be. Is it a recent thing to happen? Yeah. I have to pee, sorry. But it's...


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[Assistant] The way I go with my stories is that I tell them exactly how they happened the first five or six times. I don't add any jokes.


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[Assistant] The funny, the more truth I can take with me, the better.


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[Assistant] I've found for me there's two ways you enhance, right? You can either enhance through heightened reality or enhance just through punchlines. Yeah. Right? How, what, generally what do you do? The heightened reality or do you go a punchline route?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting. I, I, I do almost the exact same thing. Cause for me, like say I have a story about, well there was a story that I tell in the special.


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[Assistant] And the reality of the story, I was telling a story about how my...


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[Assistant] Daaad. Do I want to ruin the joke right now? Hmmmm. No. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But anyways.


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[Assistant] But there's a way to where you're like, okay, this is what really happened. And say it was something physical that happened. You're like, okay, that physical isn't funny enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still like the story, but what part of being physical can make it funnier?


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[Assistant] You know, what's the funniest physical thing? Kicking the nuts. Okay, well, is kicking the nuts funnier than slapping the face, which is funnier than pushing the chest? Do you know what I mean? Yes. Do you do the same way where you amplify the reality like that? Yeah, of course, of course.


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[Assistant] It makes me laugh when people are like, is that story true? I'm like, did you laugh?


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[Assistant] On my YouTube page about my favorite practical joke ever. Which is...


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[Assistant] It's true, and I left the most outrageous parts out. Because I'm like, there's no way anyone's gonna believe this shit.


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[Assistant] That story above all. People are like, duh, that's not true. I'm like, no that-


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[Assistant] Isn't that amazing when the exact story, you don't even have to like, it's almost stealing, you're like, so I can just tell the story beginning to end.


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[Assistant] No jokes. I don't have to add any jokes. And I'm a genius. And then people are like, yeah, that's a crazy story. I'm like, I just tell you about how I met a dude. You'll find when the kid


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[Assistant] We'll just start to supply endless hours of material. I'm waiting for it, man. Yea, they get it. That's why I had them.


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[Assistant] 16 at the time? 15? 15 or 16? No, not like kid kid. But he is still one of my animals.


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[Assistant] 175 milligrams. And I went back, I went down into his room and he was


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[Assistant] Fuuucked up. But I was just trying to play with him a little bit. You did? Oh yea, man. Like, listen.


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[Assistant] So I go down, and he was literally, he was laying on his bed doing this with his fingers. And I go down into his room, and right when I walked in, I am like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, I don't think so. And I go, just do his stuff for a second, man. And he looked up at me and he had this huge grin on his face. And I'm like, oh boy. He's clearly. Yeah. And his. You're like, the DEA is here right now. Oh, I love fucking, I'm like, hey, you know.


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[Assistant] I don't even know this, but people actually can OD from Wii. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] My kids fuck with me too. Like they have videos of, I scare easily, so they have videos of them scaring me, but we have scaring contests, like, all that stuff. We go back to fun, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta have some fun. Practical jokes are a lot of fun. I took all the underwear out of my son's drawer one week and I replaced it with panties that had the days of the week on it.


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[Assistant] But the nipples themselves aren't meaty, but the areola is meaty. I have a meaty areola.


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[Assistant] Do you ever use this podcast to work on your premises?


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[Assistant] You're nice though. You correct her. I think it's funny when my wife messes things up. And I'll lead her into saying it in public. Like she used to say, that point is mook.


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[Assistant] They're embarrassing songs singing at the top of your lungs. Embarrassing. Do you think this will be Josh?


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[Assistant] I'm more upset with that cheer. That was the terrible.


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[Assistant] It was a bad, it was weak, it was thin. I don't like that one. It's girlish. I, my kid's graduation, well all three of them graduated from high school already. You know my youngest son is 20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my oldest son is in the army, and I go for grandchildren. So crazy.


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[Assistant] You're like our age. You're younger than me. It's insanity.


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[Assistant] It's insanity, like sometimes- So you're def- you're- Definitely.


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[Assistant] I know! That's crazy. I, I, I've thought of that before, because when I think of great-grandparent. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I think of somebody who's like, one step in the grave.


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[Assistant] Well, let's put the math together. So if he has one at the same age that my son had it, which is at 20, that's 14 years. 15 years, okay. That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is a chance that if his kid has a kid early, I could be a great, great grandparent.


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[Assistant] It's really bananas. Yeah. I, I, uh, but I will tell you.


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[Assistant] You know, you always hear about the difference between being a parent and a grandparent.


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[Assistant] It's so much easier to be a grandparent. Has to be. You just walk the fuck out.


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[Assistant] They were crying and I didn't want to hear them crying anymore. I just turned to my son and I go, hey I'm going back to the hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go back to the hotel where it's quiet. Exactly. But that's what you've earned at that point. I believe I have earned that right to walk out of the house. You have. I left him $40 for lunch. I'm gonna grab some lunch. Call me later.


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[Assistant] Well has anyone asked about the supposed 69 for the dead man?


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[Assistant] I'm saying there's a lot of real estate from the crotch up to where that waist is.


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[Assistant] So immature. I really feel like that's gonna be a gift that keeps on giving for you guys. Oh yeaah, these go on forever. You'll be getting those forever, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I uhm, at joshwolfcomedy is basically all my social media, comedianjoshwolf.com for tour dates, my special, which I'm either gonna call... Wolf with four F's? It's Josh Wolf with eight F's and two E's. It was a German spelling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, no, no E, one F. Uh, and I have a podcast that I do with Freddie Prince Jr. called Prince and the Wolf.


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[Assistant] Legendary stories, but plus great stories, you know.


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[Assistant] He has had a great career, his wife, you know, Sarah, had a great career, and great stories dude, very, and very funny. So what's the podcast called? It's called Prince and the Wolf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prince and the Wolf, is it a weekly show? A weekly show on iTunes, uh, and, uh, yeaah, that's it, I'm, I get, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now time to get into this. We have, uh, Fitz Dogs on the way. And, uhm, you ready, Gene?


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[Assistant] Don't push her back onto the bus to arrest her, and that's when the guy's like, don't, she's retired, she doesn't know what she's doing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, oh yeah, but you didn't tell me that's the call you're waiting for? Oh yeah, that's what I'm waiting for. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm with her all the time. She's 24-7 retarded.


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[Assistant] So, check it out. I just did hot yoga. Number...


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[Assistant] Everyone's sick of it by the way. I'm sure. It was Joe's idea, he's sick of it. He was so fucking sick of yoga. No one wants to do 15 classes in a month about anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do feel like at the end of all the classes, you do have a definite sense of clarity. It's a good place to go if you have a decision weighing on your mind, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or developmentally challenged. I would be like, uhm, I don't know yet. And then at the end of class I'd be like, she's retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really do, what happens is hot yoga, Bikram yoga class, uhm, a good portion of it is basically meditation. Oh, I love that. You're in a meditative state.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me break down for this audience what it's like to be with you in this. So, classes are 90 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Long, 90, okay, it's hot yoga. In, on the class schedule, if you go online, it tells you to arrive, please arrive 15 minutes before class. So your 90 minutes is now 105 minutes. Class doesn't start exactly on time. Mostly the class would start, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody showers, yeaah. I think the only person that I've seen not shower there is Burt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he here? Oh, okay, hold on. Alright, we just hit pause, we're back, uh, Fitzsimmons just came in, FitzDog, uh, the great Greg Fitzsimmons, and we were talking off Mike, uh, he's actually a hot yoga, Bikram yoga practitioner as well, he loves it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really good. I mean, so I've gone to, I went to my 12th one of the month today. You're supposed to do 15, right? Yeah, so I have to go tomorrow, I was number 13, and then just two more. Okay. Uhm, thanks for adding that up, I wasn't sure how 15 worked. Cause 13, and then it goes 14, and then 15. That's if you know like all, you have to do all of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure man, sweating for a while in there. I know it's weird cause like we have a, it's a very small locker room and it's a single shower so people have to wait and like some of the guys


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm a dick out guy. Like I take it off. I stand naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? You thought you were gonna be mocked by others, like the other kids?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you younger or older? I'm a middle, I'm the middle kid. Oh, you're the middle. But like I, I think I'm, I mean I'm the most even tempered of the three to begin with. And then like my version of something will always be usually more, like a recollection will be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They tend to be super likable, not have needs. Oh boy. I think that was me and our family. The middle, cause they were like, the older kid had more like, you know, shit going on and acting out. And then the baby was the baby. The good thing about you is that you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not demanding, like to me. You know, they were like, that's the great thing about you is that you're a nice kid. You're easy. You're easy to deal with and you're not causing us any trouble. Yeah. I used to hear that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah. And I don't think they consciously realize that they're telling you to do that, you know? I think they think, part of them thinks like, they're just telling you how it is, but they're actually telling you what to do. You know, I don't know if they process that at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just saw somebody, I just saw some, uh, like a grown man. Yea, who's doing that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got a bunch of rides. Sometimes it took a long time. Really? Yeah. Was it, uhm, questionable people picking you up usually?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forgiving guys, doing, like, guys can also feel, like, somebody can act violently, right? Yea. A man and a woman be like, I'm gonna stay away from that guy for the rest of my life. And a guy can act violently in front of another guy, like a friend, I'm saying, and he'll still, like, he'll get over, he'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Nooo. I used to go over across the street to, uh, my friend's house. I won't say his name, um, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we would, uh, he would have, you know, everyone be in sleeping bags and then we would put on the spice channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Spice didn't come in, it would snow, and then you'd get like some, some, get a random shot, and then everyone, no one would be like, hey check me out, but everyone would be like, humping the floor, or like, you could, you could feel, you know, all the wrestling in the sleeping bags, and then people would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we're like 10, 11 and then everyone pass out. And that was like a sleepover on like a Friday, Saturday night for a year or two that was happening. No!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People haven't, cause it was at the age of like, starting to do that. In other words, it's not like you're 15, 16, you've been doing it for a while. It's like 10, 11 years old. So you wouldn't even know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, do you know what, uhm, in our high school, so I switched high schools, and when I arrive at high school, I'm a freshman, I switched during my freshman year, and after the first football practice,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a, I'm a freshman, but I'm playing with, you know, I'm on the varsity team because we're, we're doing a spring ball. So I'm, I'm playing for the first time in spring football on the varsity team. So people are getting after practice, taking their pads and their stuff off. And I noticed all the guys going into the shower with their boxers on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, it's so weird, so what happens is nobody wanted to shower naked. But. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, they were just, it was, I don't know, but here's the thing, like, I'm a freshman. So I came from, I switched from a school where everybody was showering naked, because it's a shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But since I've, I switched and there's upperclassmen wearing boxers in the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. And this is, this is like, I'm 14 and these are like 17, 18 year old guys showering in their boxers.


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[Assistant] Except for, like, by the time I was a senior, the one kid who we suspected was gay, and definitely turned out to be gay, was walking around without boxers. That was it. That was the only kid who took his boxers. And he had a big fucking dick on him too. So he was like, hey, what's up? It's out here.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've always, yeah, it took me a long time. I'm still not comfortable with my body, but.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And that's that thing you would, and that's what you end up, it's funny cause you would, part of you admires, I do, like the notably flawed person who really doesn't care. You know what I mean? And then you're like, I want to be like that. And then sometimes you become like that and you're like, oh, you're like, I just don't care anymore.


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[Assistant] I mean, he looked, I was like, I bet this guy's an Olympian. That's the type of build he had. But like, he stood out amongst hundreds, you know what I mean? Like everybody else was dog shit.


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[Assistant] No, no, I, I think it's, you know, it's different. I was actually telling someone about it. It's like, you, the change happens with, with like,


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[Assistant] With your weight and everything slowly. Yeah. And I think it just, you kind of get, it reinforces to you like, Oh, like this still sucks pretty badly.


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[Assistant] My body? I'll be like, oh, like, you're still pretty fat.


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[Assistant] And it's been a lot of weight is gone. But then I, I always try to remind myself of like,


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[Assistant] How getting out of shape actually took a long time. Cause what happens is like when you're in it, when you really are like really eating well and working out, it can be frustrating when you just some random day, you're like, I haven't eaten poorly in a month.


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[Assistant] Like I joke around, you know, like I don't tease Bert and uh, you know, but like, no, I feel like I'm in terrible. You look great.


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[Assistant] I don't know man, everyone has their own issue with different things. So it's like, I've never had, for me it's definitely food, and I definitely was eating a crazy, like I was thinking about, once you make a transition, and for a while you're conscious of your eating, and you go, how I used to eat was so insane.


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[Assistant] Normal people, and, and like they would, you know, they would...


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[Assistant] And like, and maybe like, order another thing that like, I just want to try that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I wouldn't even like, I wouldn't fucking even process it. And like, I would have, if I was on the road, I would have breakfast.


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[Assistant] I would have something like rich and fatty, but then I would be like, I gotta have something sweet. So I have like.


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[Assistant] And here's the other thing, before, I always forget this, before we invited the public to shame us about being fat, like Bert and I specifically, and we did this weight loss challenge.


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[Assistant] Yeah, dude, when I would post things on social media, maybe one out of 400 comments would be about being fat. Nobody would say anything to me. Nobody was like, you're fat. One person might, you know, you're like, oh, this guy's a dick.


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[Assistant] Shit, I haven't actually, I just shot, I just shot a new special. And, uh, and I submitted the title, but I think I might change it to Bill.


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[Assistant] You know what I might do? Put on a hundred pounds and have another special called Built To Be Fugitive.


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[Assistant] Yeah, her baby's going to be two in like a month. Right, right.


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[Assistant] It has become our go-to gift for expected parents. That's great! Yea, and we think of it as like, oh this is what a comic should get.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and by the way, if you're about to give me a notebook full of jokes, I'm super appreciative because I have, I need a new hour and I really...


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[Assistant] That is very, very sweet. Do you know how much like, cause I was thinking about this like, as we get, like I'm 38 and like I have, you know, every year like your appreciation and your relationship with your parents change. Like if I was my eight, like right now reading this that my parents wrote, it would have such an impact on me.


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[Assistant] That's the thing is that you feel like, it's true, it's like it gives you, it gives you a sense of identity to know where you're from.


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[Assistant] When the story is like, is uhm, is something pos-, like a positive quality, I think. Where, and like if you're in that age where maybe you're, you know, I don't know, you're, maybe you're a young teen and you're shy and you're not sure of yourself and they tell, and you hear a story about your,


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[Assistant] You being a little kid doing something where you were assertive, you know, it's like it gives you confidence. You go like, oh, like.


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[Assistant] Who I really am is the story you're telling, you know? It changes the way you feel about yourself. Right.


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[Assistant] My two sisters, my two sisters were really bad.


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[Assistant] Really bad. I'm saying like with, like, kind of being rude and shitty to my parents. And they were over it before high school ended. And they did feel bad and felt even worse later.


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[Assistant] Before even having kids, like once you're like in your twenties, they would feel like really guilty about how shitty their attitudes were. Yeah. Yeah. Like they feel really bad. Because like they were like, you know,


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[Assistant] Let me show you this, we were sent this video, this lady, she and her boyfriend were asked to leave a bus, and then she didn't want to leave the bus, so the police are outside the bus.


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[Assistant] Her boyfriend, well her boyfriend is trying to get, this is the boyfriend, is trying to get her off, like trying to get the policeman to not arrest her just by repeating that she's retarded so she's not accountable.


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[Assistant] November 8th. Definitely support that. Uhm, so we'll catch you up on something that's been, it's rolling into this week. A few weeks ago somebody sent us this guy who, walking down the street, decided he was gonna write a song in the camera and there wasn't a lot going on in the song. Uhm, he just...


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[Assistant] We knew it would happen. We get, we get of all the podcasts, the most amazing song submissions. So last week,


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[Assistant] It, it, uh, it's incredible, and more Machines Within came in this week. Oh, right. So, here's, uh. Get a Gyan. Yeah. Terminator Gyan. Let's see what this one is here.


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[Assistant] No, so what happens is like, okay, so for like the first few, what happened was people took the audio that we played of this guy walking down the street just going machines within and they created


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[Assistant] You know what's great? In joke writing, you really gotta make your premise clear. And that's what he does with songs. He's like the Chris Rock of rap. He really sets it up. Here's what the song's about.


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[Assistant] He is quite a lyricist. That is uh, No Chase with that song. Thank you, No Chase. Thanks everybody for sending in your machines within remixes. Uhm, those were really good. Looking forward to She's Retarded songs next week. Uhm, they're really good.


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[Assistant] On HBO about uh, Jimmy Iovine and Dr. Dre. Like a four part. It's fantastic. Especially if you love music. It's so good, man. Their story, Jimmy Iovine's story is just bananas. It's so, it's, it's...


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[Assistant] It's insane what, like how he got into being a record producer. You know, he was like cleaning up a studio for a job, like after hour, like just mopping.


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[Assistant] It's wild, man. And then how about, uh, I think it was, I mean, he's Catholic and it was like an Easter.


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[Assistant] Where they're, one of the guys was like, you need to come, we need you here today. He's like, it's Easter Sunday. And the guy was like, fucking come to the studio. And his family was like, come on, you're not leaving on this. He's young. He's like in his early twenties and he goes in and it's for, uh, it's a Lennon session. Wow. Yeah. So he's sitting there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I get that. I totally get that. You know what I did once? I don't think I did the wrong thing. I picked the wrong time. I told a comic who was booked by a club that was emceeing to not do so much crowd work.


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[Assistant] Oh, what's wrong with that? Well I told him, cause he was doing it every show. Yeah.


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[Assistant] And uhm, it was like Saturday between the first and late show, where I go, look man, someone's gonna tell you, someone's gonna tell you this at some point, and like, you should know that like, when you're on a headliner show like this, like, you really don't, it shouldn't be up to you to just,


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[Assistant] To be rude, but like you're basically dictating that like that's the tone of what they're about to see. You're actually making it.


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[Assistant] It's not even really fucking up my show, but it's like the middle act who on this hierarchy is definitely above you.


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[Assistant] Is now like, put in this thing where he's like, has to adapt to your crowd work.


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[Assistant] It's, so, I did it in like a nice way, but man, he was shell shocked. And I couldn't tell right away.