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[Assistant] You are also on board with the fact that this is not a waste gas, you know, escaping, right?


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[Assistant] By the way, we have another subtitler weighing in here. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just wanna throw my own two cents on the proverbial poo pile of opinions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Regarding the issue of watching stand-up specials with the subtitles on. I am a transcriptionist and the company I work for also does closed captioning so I'm very familiar with how they do it. The guidelines the company sets for the projects we work with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Require us to change slang to grammatically correct language. For example, gotta has to be changed to got to. I'm gonna is I'm going to. So in this respect, absolutely 100% subtitles will shit all over the delivery of standup. Love you guys. JC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Nuance. You can't do it that way, guys. No. Yeah. Uh, here's a little game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is uh, the piss on me, beat me, or fuck me game. So what you're supposed to do here is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, uh, I don't know why this is not letting me do both at the same time. Yikes. Oh, for fuck's sake. I'm not gonna play, you play. Hey, I would rather...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, uh, have a would-you-rather source to share. This question originated on the YMH subreddit. I thought maybe the main mommies would like to weigh in a user.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Myth of 1886 submitted a post titled, Would You Rather Fuck, Marry, Kill, and Why? with these three recent Your Moms House Podcast Superstars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] However, because Fuck, Marry, Kill is an awful game, and since you'd have to be homeless, a thug, or just out of jail to consider marrying one of these human scrums, I've suggested we update the game a bit. So I would, uh, the word review rather, I propose to you is, between the try it out guy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sissy of Fremont Street and shit pig, who?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really like the opinion of the water champ and also Christina on this pressing matter. Stay glassin' Corey. So you just have to say, who do I wanna fuck, who do I wanna piss on, and who do I wanna beat the shit out of? And the three superstars are the Try It Out guy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Well here's what we know for sure. The three of them, oh this is interesting, we can kind of, we know for sure that all three


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he is down with it even though he would like to choose a certain type. And this sick son of a bitch was like, you can just shit in my mouth. And uh, and, and so we know also that these two outside guys are down with being pissed on. Which is one of the questions here. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So far, the three of them are down with being beat. So what I'm saying is, you don't have to feel guilty about beating one of them. That's really why I'm bringing that up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the difficult thing here is we know that the outside two guys here, the try it out guy and the shit pig are also down with being pissed on. They encourage it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy not. And you know the hardest decision of this whole thing is who to fuck. That's the biggest problem. So what I think you really have to do is eliminate people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I think the greatest thrill would be from beating the sissy of Fremont Street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, the pissing, it's like they both, these two guys both want it. It's really, who can you tolerate? Fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it'd be more tolerable to get to fuck this guy on the end here on the right side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, because I think it could be a house of horrors with this guy, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, the shitpick guy, is a little bit more, uhm, like he's just, he's going to do what you say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] However you fuck the dog shit guy, he's gonna accept. He's not pushing back on anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems like to me, you're just giving people what they want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's time to stand up for what you want to do.


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[Assistant] I think this, this would be the most, uh, tolerable to look at up close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could definitely, I could get into being like, hey, shit pig, get over here. Nope. I think he's saying shit bag, he has a heavy accent. Shit bug. Shit bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you beat the fucking snot out of the Fremont sissy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Experience wise, if you're looking for a fun experience, I think he's going to provide it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just still amazed that you wanna fuck the Try It Out guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I just think it'd be easier to be around a clearly, really submissive, somewhat believably more stable guy, which I think shit pig is. And I think, try it out guy, I just wanna piss on him and take off. And I'm beating sissy to a pulp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess so, I mean, uh, we'd sure love to hear from you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are two Try It Outs, um, Try It Out musical by Severin from New Zealand, and there's Try It Out by Jim K. I don't know what we do here, we got two Try It Outs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, here it is, Gene. Unless it's something crazy weird or something. Then I'll, uh, if it's, if it's like super fucked up, I haven't heard it. Then I'll just stop it and play another one. But if not, this'll be signing off. And, uh, thanks for listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of hot topic debates. It's very, very heavy and heated up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so too. Uhm, alright, thanks guys. We'll see you in a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah it does. Pornography. Now you get the penis out. You pull the skin. A lot of people they never circumstances. Circumstances.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I'm a hippie, and that's kinda my thing, is like, whatever happened that there-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kind of a desperate play. It's a steakhouse. Oh well, he's got good taste in food at least.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why the thousand dollars? I mean, I think there's a lot of women out there that would love to have a family. They don't need a thousand dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a fancy, this is a high ticket place too. It's $50 for a steak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you know how many hoes he's gonna have just showing up for this free meal, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're right because actually, dude, his approach is like a rich guy douchebag approach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you think about it, it's like the guy that owns Girls Gone Wild. What's his name?


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[Assistant] Do you know what I'm talking about? Like, that's how I imagine that guy approaches bitches, like, hey, I want this, uh, I'll give you a thousand dollars to just show up, take it. It's like, it's such a douchey thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smoke? Show. Meaning like, she's smoking hot. I've never, maybe I've never listened to you talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because my, it's a Hungarian, it's probably because my mother said it wrong and I put it wrong. So that this guy's not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he looks sweet. The problem is, like, the look he has is kind of like a doughy software guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you imagine that courtship story to their children?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I put it out on the internet asking a thousand dollars for any hoe under 26.


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[Assistant] Yeah, your slut mom, uh, free steak is what she got out of the deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's it. That's all it took for your materialistic slut mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I mean biologically speaking, I should have had children at like 16. That would have been perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Powerful Tom Segura Jizz. We've made two children off your jizz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your sperm was very fertile though. We only used to test your sperm before we had Ellis. Yeah. Cause like, yeah, I'm older. And then, what was your, he's like, your sperm counts through the roof. You have like 20 million. How many did you have in a load?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember when you jizzed and the Filipino nurse helped you?


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[Assistant] Yeah, this is before we had Ellis and, uh, we decided to have the plumbing checked out. Cause I'm an old bi- I was an old mom. Old bitch. I was 38. They read you the riot act at 35.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, cause that's also bad to have it backed up for too long. Yeah. Old gist. So interesting. That's old gist.


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[Assistant] Those are the days. Those are the days. Thankfully no more.


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[Assistant] He probably doesn't understand human relationships. I'm guessing he's on the spectrum, he's touched just a little bit. Touched? Just touched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just a little smattering of touching. Yeaah, he's touched somehow. This guy's not.


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[Assistant] Never. I think you'd be the ugliest woman I've ever seen. Excuse me? You would be, you could never be transgendered. You would never pass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would take so much surgery, cause your shoulders are so broad, like you're such a macho looking man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The laser alone, the LASIK on your face to get rid of that beard.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, you have so much testosterone swimming in this body.


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[Assistant] You're all man, babe. You're a hideous woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could pass for like, a fey kind of guy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, who's the top of the totem pole in the gay world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Andy Cohen. Like, like Bravo TV guy. He's top of the gay food chain for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But those guys aren't, no, no, I'm saying like the objective, okay, cause in the straight world, objectively speaking, you know, the handsome rich guys are the top of the food chain, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like the jacked, the jacked and, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess so. And in my, in the woman's world, you have to be like 12 years old, like 20, right? No, no older than 28, otherwise, forget it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the talking, if she has a brain, you don't want to hear her talking in her opinions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look, the expectations are so low for us. It's like if you achieve even more than what's expected of you, you're like, people are blown away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So great for me. You on the other hand, white guys, bar is way too high for you. You've invented everything, you guys achieve everywhere, it's like, too much pressure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's Elon Musk, you ever heard that guy? That guy's, that's the thing, is that the gold standard for men is like Elon Musk, let's say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But talented, she's talented. She is very talented. So maybe not even her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did nothing, you were just born. Of course, of course, yes. But that's why being a woman is advantageous in some regards, if you're attractive.


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[Assistant] Forget it, you gotta work. You gotta live like a guy. And it's even worse because they don't respect you like a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. I would say in my 20s, I was treated like, uh, totally differently and then you- you age into being a person. Yeah. When you're in your turn 40 as a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, oh, this feels so much better. Like, I'm being treated like a, like a, not like a meat. And a big fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The exterior. Well I think that's great, good, uh, counsel for men and women. Yes, it's true. You know, listen, the outside fades, glory fades, beauty fades, no one looks amazing at 70.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're all gonna look like shit anyways. You may as well develop a nice personality, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I do feel as though I'm drawn to the truly depraved. I like to find these shows that really make you feel gross inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all about control. It's like, I want to hold this person hostage. They're in prison. They're not going to cheat on me. They can't do anything wrong. And then when they get out, this immediate push to marry because they want to keep them on lockdown even more. It's so sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and people are celebrating him, like a new dad at 55, like why are we celebrating this douchebag?


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[Assistant] You're a fucking total selfish piece of shit.


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[Assistant] Well, not these English motherfuckers, cause the guy who's 74, he runs a pub, so his face is bright red, he drinks every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I don't care. There's one couple, there's two couples that anger me. It's the one who, the woman was 40 and she hooked up with a 16 year old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is A, illegal, he's a child, it's wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's fucked up. That's abuse. That's abuse. It really is. It's not okay. And then there's the couple that have children. The 74 year old guy and the 30 year old-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you talking about? Even the guys are dogs. They're all fucking dogs, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but my favorite is the elderly lady, she had a husband for 50 years, and on the deathbed the husband said to go find a toy boy, is what they call him in England, not a boy toy. And she has, she wears this Cleopatra eyeliner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she has white, white, white, white hair. And, what Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he goes, the skin is sagging already. So you're going to have these, these cantaloupes that you can't even hold up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I think that's gonna be what I, one thing I don't, I don't give so much, I don't care so much about the physical appearance of me aging. I'm worried about not being able to do the things I want to do. That, that bothers me. Like, I love rock climbing, karate, all these things I do, scuba diving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like jumping out of bed quickly or going up the stairs without worrying about my hip breaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just doing Pilates, like I was listening to Jane Fonda talk about it and she was like the workout queen, you know, and she still works out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just give that up. You're not in that category anymore, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you can get all the Botox and all that shit in your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't look younger, you just look shinier and weirder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just look weird. So you choose between looking shiny or looking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your age. Yeah. It's like, okay. And you're not fooling anybody. You really aren't fooling people. There's not a lot that are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's interesting that what we're all saying, it sounds like everybody's divided. There's two kinds of comedy audiences now. It's split much like people who support Trump and don't. Like I think the country is just divided right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, what you're saying is you guys have never showed each other dongs and been like, is that identical too? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, yeah, a lot of time alone. You wanna know how to raise your girl, uh, to be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always tell- I always tell them like that, like, babe, think of your family. Oh yes, think of your-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's like comedy sluts, right? Audience members.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your audience tends to be more male. That's what it is. That's the same for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, now take a look at Christina P online for live dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm, I'm sorry, this, this is, uhm, this is not information that is of value to me. Uhm, I, I, I really apologize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the caretaker there available?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, according to this, I don't think she has kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's married? Looks like to a real fucking guinea. Oh, what the fuck is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'd be like, oh man, I'm trying to nut right now. You mind if I do it all over you? Or you want to help? You want to get involved? Hurry, touch it. Yeah. Put your hand on it. And there's your mouth. Give it to me. Touch it. Go, go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, yeaah, it would be like, if it, it would be the way that like two best friends, like two guys that are hetero, that are best friends talk, that's how it would be, if uh, so I would just be like, oh that was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you wanna play video games now? Do you wanna watch the game? Uh, yeaah, let's get some food. Do you wanna fuck again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All that nonsense would be gone, and you could actually get down to the real deal, which is like, it's hard again, can you work it out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the part that every guy dreads because we just want it to be like, can we just stop with this bullshit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, oh, you know, are you, I wanna make sure I shower, like all this stupid shit, and you have to act like, you know, we're working our way through the steps. We just want it to be anal and done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy seems cool. This is how guys want to be with you all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the population would actually, I think, dwindle, because everyone would die. I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It looks like you need a friend to help hold it for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is enormous. I mean, it seems like it's sort of counterproductive because it looks like it's a real...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess so. It may have your friends over. Again, a cool thing to do is hang out with your friends and get your dicks off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, sometimes you DP in the same hole. Even that's not gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, sexually, you know, strong, you have to be a total stud to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because you have to block that out and still focus on her and stay in the moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm writing a story about the lady who did the first, uh, 2-2-2.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's old now, she's talking about her early days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not really reminiscing, she's saying that she was the first and she's proud of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is, I know it's so old, I don't even know where it is, but it really is, it's a lot to have two in your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but at least your vagina's made for them. Your asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your Vagene is at least like, alright, your Vagene just thinks it's a really big dick. It's like, Jesus, calm down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the Francis Ford Coppola movie. I was just watching it the other day. I forget what it's called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if it was between him and the guy from a few weeks ago that's a swinger that talks about Christ?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just straight perverted stuff. Yea, like he'd be stuck at a real man. The other guy would have an angle, he'd be banging you and he'd be like, you know, Jesus. No. He's just saying, you'd be like, aw man, can we just get back here doing it? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, a lady's accusing him of like brushing up with his hard dick on her. His stylist. His stylist. I thought he's, you know, come on. I don't know, that's what she's accusing him of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what the, uhm, what is the, let's see, metrosexual, what is it, etymology? That's a big word for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Origin, metro meets homosexual. Yeah, see? Okay. But, metropolitan, that's what it is. That's what it is. A metropolitan, hmm. No, oh, it's metro meets homosexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fourth one is if you start heading uhm, east. I know. Towards the freeway. Yea yea yea. And it's also a drive-thru. That one's a better drive-thru. That one's a better drive-thru.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem with the drive through that's closest to us is that it's at an exit from the freeway. In other words, you're leaving the freeway or entering the freeway. This is an entrance exit. And so it is a, it's a highly trafficked area because of its location. So it's just too busy. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's because of that location. At the other one, you can make any request and they do it with a smile. They're just fine with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've become my dad. I know. With Starbucks the way he is with McDonald's. You remember who he is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yeaah. That's from, you know, that's from seven years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We haven't really been together for ten years. We've been together probably four or five years now that it's been serious. Cause I was dating six years ago, I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, and that's a dual-ane McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says that the, he'll be like, mother and I are going to be taking cruises and uh, we like to cruise. I'm like, what? Why are you saying it like that? Huh? Like, why'd you say we like to cruise? And he's like, it's just what we like to do. And he goes right back to like he didn't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a lost cause. I think just let it go. Just let him speak that. He's 70.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not weird, obviously it's a very popular place to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't been in a while. I mean, it's definitely breakfast though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or sausage, egg and cheese, that's a really killer one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really only because of, you know, the bread part of it, the biscuit. Yeah. Yeah. Which is delicious. And there, uh, those little fried hash browns, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying if you're lit and you go there, any of their food at, you know, if you've been drinking is, you know, nothing's better than McDonald's when you're.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Neil Hamburger, he, uh, he does a search for like Taco Bell and Sick, and then he retweets them. It's really fucking hilarious. It'll be like 30 in a row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're very rare and even though I want to be there with you in all these moments to celebrate and to share in your success, a lot of pushback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I don't know, a lot of people, a lot of people were-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people said, no video, no double pipe. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's, here's what, uh, one of our people, oh my God, this guy got you twice. He wrote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna have to blow the whistle and say it doesn't count. Being pregnant with baby genes number two is obviously performance enhancing and will induce more bodily awesomeness. We have heard in previous The Moms House conversations that enhancing the endeavor is a strict grounds for dismissal. A true double pipe classic is a rarity. Let's not make it common course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna have to retract that double pipe classic from the scoreboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All love, no hate, just keeping all that haters on the real. We can recognize that the haters were supposed to be the haters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uhm, he was, he was very adamant that you didn't, you don't get what you think you get, you know, you don't deserve it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was pretty amazing. I mean I was sitting three feet from you and I was, you know, I mean I'm the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess the, the person that coined the term. Yes. And, um, even I am in awe of it when I, you know what I mean? It's like, it's how I imagine Steve Jobs felt when they'd show him a new iPhone. He was like, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It shouldn't happen to you, you know, more than once every few years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm also so passionate about them, you know, happening that, uh, I don't see it that way. But I understand that, you know, the more successful you get, you're gonna have people that- Haters! Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Well it feels different and it feels weird when an angel touches you on your shoulder too, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I noticed you've been making peachy a lot through your pregnancy. And a lot of pregnant women do. Do you find it to be inconvenient? Massively. Would you like a solution?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what their big problem is here? That they don't show you, uhm, somebody using it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but I mean, as a viewer, or as a consumer, I wanna see this thing in action.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll choose between our 10, 12 and 18 inch penis models.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, you know what happened was, uhm, American Crime Story, that FX series, so this is their second season and this time they picked the Versace murder.


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[Assistant] And it is phenomenal. If you guys are looking for


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[Assistant] Great act. The kid they got to play, Andrew Cunanan, is tremendous actor and


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[Assistant] And also they got Edgar Ramirez to play Versace and they got Penelope Cruz to play Donatella, his sister.


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[Assistant] It's a crazy all-star cast, but the storytelling device that they use, in other words, the way that they lay it out, is fascinating. It's so well done. And I've been so into it, but you know, the show is airing now, so I have to wait that I went back, because I never watched season one of American Crime Story, which was the


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[Assistant] And that's where they have Cuba Gooden Jr. playing, uh, OJ and, uh, John Travolta is playing, uh, Robert Shapiro, Robert Shapiro, excuse me, and, uh, Nathan Lane plays,


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[Assistant] F Lee Bailey, really good cast. And again, I mean, it's all, it's much more familiar because of


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[Assistant] I know, but I think, you know. Just cause he's black, you're like, there's OJ. Well, he's a great actor. Yeah, of course, of course. So, I mean, Cuba's really, I mean, it is, the only thing that's really weird about that is physical stature, cause Cuba's small.


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[Assistant] So that, that part's kinda weird, but you get over it right away. I mean, the only time you ever, it ever makes you kinda like cock your head is when he's standing around other guys, you know, and you're like, oh, he just looks like a small dude.


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[Assistant] I was like, dude, what the fuck. That would have been, I think, 94.


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[Assistant] I was at, uhm, basketball camp at University of South Florida. And that's how, I mean, I remember it vividly when, when the Bronco Chase happened.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, a lot of people, I mean, I'm sure everyone remembers, but you know.


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[Assistant] He's just trying to find the real killer, you know, he's out there every day.


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[Assistant] And they used, they played that up so brilliantly as a strategy as a way to exonerate him for this crime.


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[Assistant] And they were like the cops planted that shit.


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[Assistant] And there was enough doubt in those people. They played it so...


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[Assistant] Well, and they played the long game with it. You know, they didn't just go, they did this. It was little by little. They placed little bits of doubt. You know, they would talk to one of the interview, one of the detectives on the stand and they're like, where do you live?


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[Assistant] He was like, see me valley and they're like, oh, isn't that where the.


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[Assistant] So, like, you know, so they just kept placing those little bits in addition to the big things, and there was enough there.


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[Assistant] Just like went out and murdered these people and then pinned it on OJ and they're like, yes.


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[Assistant] Was that OJ four part documentary series? I met that director.


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[Assistant] It is unbelievable. But it's not a documentary like you think. That's why you should watch it. It's not like, here's the case. It is a true, it's like,


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[Assistant] A thesis statement. It is an examination of almost what's unrelated to the story to make the story happen. It's fascinating.


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[Assistant] It's actually the best documentary series I've ever seen.


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[Assistant] I think it's called OJ in America. It's on Netflix? I don't think it's on Netflix. I think you'd have to download or buy it somewhere. It used to be, uhm, I think it was in conjunction with the ESPN.


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[Assistant] I don't know if he's been exonerated yet or what, or excuse me, like acquitted yet on the, on the crime, but he's telling his friend and I think he's, he knows he's asked to move out of his Brentwood house.


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[Assistant] And he's lowering his flag. He's like, stand over here and, uh, kind of record through these bushes. And then I'm going to pull my flag down and like, I'm really going to like, you know.


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[Assistant] Really meaningfully and folds it up and he puts it on and he's like, oh come on man, come on.


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[Assistant] You know what my favorite thing was too? I don't remember if this was in the documentary or not. This might be in the documentary or it might have been something that I saw outside of that. When he was serving his prison sentence for the Nevada robbery, they said that, uh, you know, after a few years he would come up for parole.


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[Assistant] And there's a parole hearing every time for prisoners, you know, you sit there, parole board sits there, you have like your attorney, something else that would run through.


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[Assistant] Did you ever, and they would get to, have you ever been arrested before? And they had to, like it's part of the process, and he would go, uh, yes, and they were like, why were you arrested before? And he would have to go, uh,


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[Assistant] Uhm, and he would have to retell essentially the whole OJ murder trial story to the parole board. And then they'd be like, oh, okay, yeaah, we're not granting you parole. And then next year, he would come back, they'd go through the whole thing, and he would do his charming, like,


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[Assistant] It's still there, right? But his family sold it. Yeaah. It's now a uhm, they converted it back I think to a private


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[Assistant] Yeah, but before that, he was like, he loved living there. He had this, it was a,


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[Assistant] So you go to, I think, News Cafe and buy magazines and newspapers in the morning and then walk back.


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[Assistant] And people would say, they said people would just be like, oh hi. You know, they, he was the most famous resident kind of thing and people would notice him say hi, but not really bug him.


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[Assistant] Right. Can you imagine John Lennon? Uh, what was that place called? It's in New York. It starts with a D. The building. Forgot what it is.


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[Assistant] It's really sad, you know, he, he killed him in the, I mean, it's sad to get murdered anytime, but he just, he just like destroyed a whole family and legacy and company all in one moment. That's cool.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I thought it was gonna be really crazy. I thought it was gonna be something...


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[Assistant] I don't believe that's real. I don't know who this is. No, I think that's real, but it just wasn't up and coming YouTuber.


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[Assistant] Who goes by the name Kaiz? C-A-I-Z?


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[Assistant] She does random videos about her day to day. Uhm, but she also does fart videos. She said that was the best fart ever, I just don't.


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[Assistant] You know, subscribe, comment.


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[Assistant] Focus on your farts more. Focus on what pays the bills. Content dude.


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[Assistant] Maybe she is, because we keep hearing from people that want to talk to us about their, their farts, their fart fetishes.


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[Assistant] What's exciting to me is the pretty girl doing the dirty thing.


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[Assistant] And also because of that whole, you know, I think it happens in childhood, but guys hear it more like girls don't fart and stuff like that, you know, cause guys are encouraged to be gross, but then they're like, but you know, the girls aren't. So some little boys at a certain point actually probably think, oh, girls don't fart.


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[Assistant] No, at that point it's ridiculous. You know, you don't fart for a few months.


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[Assistant] Yeah, TJ's definitely cooking out the jams with you.


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[Assistant] You think this is his go-to song all the time? So the person with the camera's like, just hang on, I have it again.


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[Assistant] And the way that he does it, uh, leads me to think that this is his, uh, you know, his performance thing where...


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[Assistant] You ever think about that? You can't do a lot. You can do a lot. Five is a lot of teeth. You can bite into almost anything with five teeth.


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[Assistant] Once you're in the five, this guy basically has excess teeth. He could donate some.


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[Assistant] As actually, if you had to do like a layout, a minimal layout,


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[Assistant] And then it's a matter of do you feel like this is what the look you want or not.


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[Assistant] Active bacteria, uhm, things that are rotting in and around the mouth. Yeaah, it's bad. It's not good at all. It's really bad.


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[Assistant] That spells like sick, sickness and death. How much to French him? No.


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[Assistant] I would get, I would tip him if he sang that song though. That's a real bummer. He made up a lot of the words though.


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[Assistant] Uh, I guess that's what it is. Try it out. Try it out. Try it out. Um, yeaah, I don't know. The dingle Barry plopped into his underwear.


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[Assistant] I just feel like you gotta, you know what you gotta start doing? You gotta take those wet wipes with you.


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[Assistant] The worst thing ever, once you have optimum clean asshole at home, like we do, with a bidet, or the uh, water, what is it? The water, there's a name for it.


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[Assistant] The washlet. Once you have that, then you have this just premium asshole.


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[Assistant] You realize that in public, you're fuckin', you're an animal.


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[Assistant] You know, I do think sometimes I'll try to wet paper.


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[Assistant] I was working out yesterday at the gym and I had took this, the sauciest, sloppiest, um, and I was in there. I flushed six times on the cleanup. It's a small gym.


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[Assistant] So yeah, I just was like, fuck. And I just kept, I mean, I would walk over to the sink, wet paper towels, clean. It was horrible.


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[Assistant] They sell the walk around ones for like when you go out, they sell a pouch with like five.


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[Assistant] I've packed them before, cause they sent us some, uhm,


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[Assistant] So I packed them once and they are great, but you just have to get in the habit of bringing it with you.


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[Assistant] Now let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Can you kick my ass? Um, so here's a question. You're a prostitute. What is, it's work, you know, it's not just doing the, it's not just the sex act. It's really about how do you have your business grow? In other words, what is your sales pitch?


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[Assistant] When a gentleman drives up and you're a streetwalker, what would you say as far as like,


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[Assistant] Okay, let's pull, I'm pulling up. I'm looking out the window.


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[Assistant] But you have to, you gotta, you know, you have to be willing to do something for that 20.


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[Assistant] I'm not arguing with you. So here's another pitch. I'm just gonna, I was getting your pitch to show you a pitch. Oh, okay.


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[Assistant] What kind of party are you looking for? And then the best would be the guy would be like, man, I would see this, um, the, uh, just the emotion where the guy was like, yes. And she's like,


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[Assistant] Sit in the hot tub? She's like, yeah, that's $400. She's like, alright. And then he'd be like, that's all I have. And she'd be like, cool, we can sit in the hot tub.


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[Assistant] Like, shower today. You want it? It's hot. Yeah.


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[Assistant] All right, Jean, uhm, we got a splitsy. Yep. Got a run. This was a lot of fun. I like doing these old school ones with you.


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[Assistant] Fall? Fall the Diapers? Hmm. By DJ Show Reference.


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[Assistant] Alright. Uhm, thank you all for listening. Please go to yourmomshousepodcast.com, ChristinaPOnline.com, TomSagura.com. There's also a store on my site that will take you to our merch store if you're interested in getting the zip-up hoodie.


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[Assistant] Not Los Angeles shirt. The mugs. T-shirts. There's new stuff coming all the time. Uh, try it out. You know? See if you like it. Thanks. Bye guys.


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[Assistant] Same shit different toilet. What about you? You're kind of a big deal now. I mean, am I even allowed to share the same air as you?


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[Assistant] She's very young to do her first anal gangbang. I mean, she may not be 20 years old.


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[Assistant] Okay, he's only my favorite French existentialist philosopher. Uh, he believed that existence is before, precedes essence versus essence precedes existence, which is what the common thought forms was before, that your, uh, your nature was determined for you. And he said, no, that's not true. You can be whoever or whatever.


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[Assistant] Alright, so she's saying that she, there's, I don't, I've never anima'd myself before.


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[Assistant] Fresh? Yeah, or clean. Smelling like roses?


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[Assistant] It's pretty instantaneous, like you, we've seen people give themselves enema as the coffee lady, remember? You put it up their ass.


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[Assistant] I like her, I feel bad for her, you know, that that happened.


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[Assistant] I know, I know, but then it's not me. It's like what we were talking about.


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[Assistant] No, it's not me. It's not my style. I can't- Look how cool she is. Like, she's got the cool hair and the cool glasses, and I'm just not-


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[Assistant] Would you do gangbang anal on your first anal? I thought that's very, uh, uh, what's the word I'm looking for? Ambitious, no?


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[Assistant] So every guy goes in her butthole, that's what that is.


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[Assistant] I wonder how they rate that. Like is there, there's a flat rate just for the anal.


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[Assistant] But that's what I'm, but that's what I'm saying. So let's say the baseline's fifteen hundred. You're doing anal, right? And then, so the anal is like a flat rate of a thousand.


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[Assistant] And then the agent goes, but for every additional guy.


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[Assistant] You're already there, you're already making your money, and you get greedy. You see the dollar signs, you know it's one more dick in your ass. I know.


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[Assistant] Not that I'm judging, I'm very- I like pornography, I'm very pro- I'm pro-porn too. Pro-pornography and people making a living however they have to but...


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[Assistant] And they're acting, they kind of are perf- it's performative, definitely.


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[Assistant] That's definitely not for me, no. I'm in a metaphobe, that way not. But I kind of get it, like, you know, especially after having given birth once already, I don't do it. Like today we went for an ultrasound and the nurse was like, I'll leave the room so you can take your pants off. And I, no need.


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[Assistant] Same, I mean, I don't know, it would feel weird to be all warm. Like, I always picture the temperature of something like that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I wanted to ask my dad, how many women do you think you've slept with? And he said, not enough.


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[Assistant] You know what's interesting too is that they call it boy, girl, girl, boy. Instead of male, female or woman or man, it's also very infantilized in a weird way.


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[Assistant] And you, and you know they weren't thrilled. You know that the set, the director was not sympathetic and like you just fucking ruined the scene.


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[Assistant] I remember Jules Ventura when she was in here.


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[Assistant] We asked her how she deals with period stuff, and she said they put a sponge up there. Oof.


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[Assistant] Just for people who are curious, that yeaah, they just put a sponge and then you can work when you're still having your period.


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[Assistant] I wouldn't do any of the anal or any cream pie farts.


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[Assistant] That's the easiest one to do, is the fart stuff, are you kidding me? Fart, eeeeh. It's already my lane.


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[Assistant] It's like, it's like in the wild when a lion takes over a family.


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[Assistant] That's right, you were like the slovenly brother that could plug all the unhealthy. That's so funny, I forgot about that bit.


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[Assistant] That and I think it would have affected your stand-up material. Oh for sure. Because it's a major corporation and they would not, you would not be making the jokes that you'd make on the last specials no way.


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[Assistant] Well, cause on the one hand, it's kind of a gilded, it's a gilded cage, like the girl that does Flo, the progressive girl, she was an act, like an improv actress, I remember. She's great. She's really great, and she does a great job with those ads, but


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[Assistant] You did a sitcom, you did J.Morris. I did a couple of things.


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[Assistant] But the point being that you've had, it's pretty ridiculous, 16 years of near misses.


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[Assistant] You quite literally, like you get cast in the big sitcom, but your line gets cut out.


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[Assistant] Uh, get flown out to New York to try out for the producers to read for this movie.


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[Assistant] And it's usually between you and like a handful, maybe, of other people. Yeah, in this case. Maybe, yeah.


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[Assistant] Entity. Well, that's why it's so hard to break into things like sitcom or film because a lot of, first of all, a lot of sitcom actors.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well the other thing that people don't know if you're not in the showbiz, they always say like, uh, we get you a time, here's a time. And you can't, it's really hard to change that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, you could not have childcare, you could be on the other side of town, and they don't care.


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[Assistant] It's like that gala skate in the figure skating world. They've already won the medal and you can tell they're so much more relaxed when they're doing those moves in the rink, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so interesting? I was listening to Kathy Griffin and she was giving an interview about when, uh, she was working on a Michael Jackson video as an extra back in the eighties.


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[Assistant] And she said that Michael Jackson would just blow off going to set.


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[Assistant] And she asks the director, hey, how much money is he blowing by doing that? And he goes, a million dollars a day.


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[Assistant] That's perfect though, for you. Are you a piece of shit scumbag? Cause I feel like-


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[Assistant] Now if you get a movie wife, do I get a temporary husband while you're gone?


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[Assistant] It has to be a comedian. I'm married to a comedian, babe. Your scene partner is a comic actress, right?


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[Assistant] Are you gonna be one of those douchebags that's like, I'm in character all the time. Don't call me Tom, my character name is Frank or whatever. It's Russ. It's Russ. I'm Russ.


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[Assistant] I can't wait for you to become that kind of a movie star. And are you going to be, are you going to demand that people can't make eye contact with you on set?


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[Assistant] But when he does Conan, he's gotta do his shirtless. And when he goes wherever, and he's gonna be like 80 years old, he's gonna have to do his shirtless.


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[Assistant] Now Leanne Kreischer started her own podcast called Wife of the Party. It's a great name. It's a great pa- it's a great name. I listened to the first half of it, she's doing uhm, some special diet, she was talking about the beach body diet I think it's called.


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[Assistant] Definitely not, so that's, you know, anyway, give Leanne's podcast a listen.


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[Assistant] So we wrapped up our prison show. Was that you or me?


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[Assistant] We wrapped up our present show, uh, love after lockup.


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[Assistant] And we're devastated because that was the seventh and final episode last night, Gene.


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[Assistant] Well no, cause that new episode, the last one, just dropped, like I-


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[Assistant] So, some of it is so upsetting to me, especially the one, there's a mother of three children, and just, I don't want to give it too much away, but she really fucks up her kids' lives for, uh, the chance to marry this convicted felon. It's pretty fucking amazing.


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[Assistant] Well what's so funny is that you and I totally flipped, like at first we were like, these prisoners are scumbags, they're taking advantage of these innocent people, and now we're like, these prisoners are just like nice people trying to get their lives.


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[Assistant] And these assholes on the outside are totally taking advantage of them and like...


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[Assistant] They all get out, these guys get out and the women are like, when are we getting married? Why isn't there a big ceremony? I want to wear my dress. I want to have my bridal shower. It's like dude, he just got out of prison. He's shell shocked. He's traumatized. He doesn't have a job. He's still having to check in with his parole officer.


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[Assistant] Well the Canadian guy especially, there's a couple in Toronto and the guy is like clearly traumatized.


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[Assistant] Total, the life is just drained from him. He's so bummed out. And she's like, I want to have our wedding.


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[Assistant] No, she goes, don't you love me? I guess you don't love me. I guess you don't want to be my husband. That's like, dude, what? You guys are crazy. The people that are dating these fools are crazier than the inmates.


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[Assistant] So, I mean, here's from what I've learned about present shows. Present's not the place you get clean from heroin.


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[Assistant] From what I understand, prison's not like a Malibu rehab clinic. It's kind of where you find new supplier. Like, the drugs are still there.


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[Assistant] Are you kidding me? I would be high all the time if I could be in jail.


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[Assistant] At least pot. I try to be high on pot all day every day if I could be.


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[Assistant] Well, and what's funny too is that a lot of these prisoners are just hustling the people on the outside. Uh, there's this great, uh, guest of this woman, so there's this one woman who,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's dating a guy in prison and she sends him $200 a month, which for her, she cannot afford $200 a month to send to this guy.


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[Assistant] She's on such a tight budget that she only has $40 left at the end of every month for just like-


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[Assistant] Total scum fuck. And then her friend comes over.


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[Assistant] Her friend comes over who's been in prison and she goes, yeah, I used to scam like two guys at the same time.


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[Assistant] Yeah, cause they want their fucking snacks and their corn nuts and their maxi pads.


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[Assistant] There's such hookers, dude. And then there's one fucking hooker who's hustling the sweet truck driver on the outside.


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[Assistant] The most. She's like, don't you love me? Won't you pay my legal bills?


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[Assistant] You've been, you talked about this at lunch before we sat down and recorded this. I'm so excited.


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[Assistant] It's fucking, it's a lot dude, but you know what? Doing Pilates a second time around has really, really helped. Cause my core strength is a lot better now.


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[Assistant] But man, like, gravity wants you to be forward, pull you forward, it's tough.


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[Assistant] Good, he's kicking around a lot. He's doing really well. We're 20 weeks. I'm halfway there. Just crazy.


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[Assistant] Go, but a brown talk, if we may do a brown talk update. A brown talk update? A pregnancy brown talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then that's another arm we need to build. Can't we just put one here and then you just grab the fart mic.


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[Assistant] So uhm, what I was going to tell you about pregnancy poops is different because as your uterus grows and expands, it squishes up your intestines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And progesterone increase makes you constipated. Your digestion slows down. So now my poops are like rabbit turds and it can hit me at any time. Like my schedule's all off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really have to sit down and focus to make the brown. It's kind of a disaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I shit this morning, but I just have to be really cognizant of like, when the urge strikes, I just gotta honor it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're small. I sit down to Brown and it's like kibble. It's like rabbit shit. And then I just have to keep doing it. I have to keep at it until you get something worth talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but this has to be a severe health hazard. First of all, you're not allowed to FedEx any fluids of any kind. We know that. I think you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You cannot send your body fluids via the mail. Well, 500 moms just did. You're not supposed to, I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure FedEx doesn't let you send jizz or farts or whatever. Breast milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. No, you can't just call people what they fucking are anymore.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, uh, I just wanna talk about you being a Starbucks aficionado. Oh yeaah, yeaah. I mean, I, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I was a decent barista. I may have been a decent server at times, but overall I never cared. I wasn't, I'm not good at this.


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[Assistant] And we did a rundown of which one we should go to.


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[Assistant] Cause I will say there, nothing strikes terror in my heart more than having to get your iced coffee, your iced venti coffee.


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[Assistant] Uh, because I know that I have to put that splash of whole milk in for you.


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[Assistant] And it's extra ice. If there's not enough ice in there, you get upset. And I, like, I swear to God, it induces a little bit of panic and anxiety in me. No, it does. I'm serious. Cause I don't want you to be unhappy. I don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yet that one's your favorite of the three locations, why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think Starbucks is like in and out in that they take pride in training their employees very well. They treat their employees very well. Uh, they make sure the employees are aware of the products and what everything is about and everything. You don't seldom will you have a Starbucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks. Seldom will you have a Starbucks employee who's like, I don't know.


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[Assistant] I don't know what that drink is, I don't know what that frappuccino is, they fucking know.


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[Assistant] I like their vanilla latte. I like the vanilla powder.


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[Assistant] And Dunkin' Donuts can go fuck itself hard too. That's the absolute worst. That is the worst. It's just like water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably trying to like be sexy for some social media thing and passing gas on the camera trying to be like funny and sexy like, oh, twerk for me real quick and I like lit one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so great. Cause I had, uhm, fans of your podcast that came to my shows and said...


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[Assistant] Yeaah, well I, you know, I uhm, been doing the international circuits for 20 years.


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[Assistant] I had that sitcom many years ago on NBC and when the sitcom finished I had a lot of money.


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[Assistant] And I had played everywhere in the United States and I looked at my money as like kinda my NBC artist grant.


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[Assistant] And invested in myself, slept on a friend's couch, and uh, actually the movie Phantom Thread,


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[Assistant] The thing I liked the best about that movie is it takes place on Fitzroy Square.


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[Assistant] And my friend Rich Hall, uhm, he lived on Fitzroy Square and he gave me a key to his apartment.


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[Assistant] So that's where I would stay when I would go to London. And it's like a short walk to the London Comedy Store and Soho. It's a great neighborhood.


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[Assistant] Really cool guy. It's a great film, but I love the fact that it takes place on Fitzroy Square.


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[Assistant] But what I was gonna say was London was the key to the international circuits for me. I got in with London and then that led to gigs around Europe and Asia and Australia.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then like, it's really cool, like when I'll do a, you know, I didn't live anywhere for 10 years. I put everything into storage, and like, uh, the last time I did your show, I wasn't living anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was really cool, so I would do three or four months a year in Europe.


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[Assistant] And then a month in Asia, a month in Australia, six months all over the states, uhm, but like,


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[Assistant] When you got like a week in Ireland booked and a week in England and then a week in Holland, it's like, it's different. So you're like, oh, okay, wow, Ireland was great. And you know, I really got the hang of it by the end of the week and Irish audiences are the best. And then you go to England and you're like, it's completely different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Irish audiences, uh, uh, Irish, you can tell, you can see it in their comedians that there's a storytelling tradition. So they really love stories. And then you go to England and they, they like self-deprecation. You don't see, you never see like a real arrogant, I mean Jimmy Carr, but you never see like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember I did the Edinburgh Festival in 2014 and this, this woman wrote this review of me and she said, don't we all wish we could be as confident as the Americans? And I was like, it's so stupid, like uhm, I've had ups and downs in my life, you know, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys know me personally. My dad and my sister died. And I, I went into the, emotionally, I was in the toilet.


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[Assistant] I was heartbroken over losing these people that I loved and it took me a while to build back my confidence and then here's this woman going, oh it's this American quality, no, it's, we're each


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Individually, fighting our own fight in life, and, you know, things happen, and you gotta constantly be coming back from the brink, whatever you are, whoever you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, who are they qualified? What is their qualification? But you know, it's gotten even worse because like in Edinburgh, the newspapers in England used to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, yeah, there's an English, uh, uh, I hate to bring it up, this website, this comedy website. Uh, and they wrote something about a joke that I did about, not a joke, it's a story that happened to me. And, uh, it's a joke on my new album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, my wife Ashen and I were talking about the MeToo movement. We did an episode for my podcast.


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[Assistant] And talking about experiences. And I talked about this comedian who, uh, had tricked me into going back to his apartment when I was a very young man. And, uh, and then this comedy website in England wrote this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Salacious, uh, story. I mean they, wasn't, wasn't Salacious the headline was, Tom Rhodes Accuses Such and Such Comedian of Sexual Assault.


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[Assistant] And they quoted, uh, us talking about it on the podcast, and one of the things that bothered me the most? Well, I mean, you know, they're trying to get clickbait. I didn't accuse the guy of sexual assault. I tell a story of a creepy, older, famous man who...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, tried to trick me and got me back to his apartment and manhandled me.


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[Assistant] He didn't punch me. He didn't penetrate me. It wasn't, you know, and I think that sexual assault is such a serious issue in the world right now.


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[Assistant] I mean, I really want to get out to win, but I can see why Shape of Water did win, because at the very end of the movie, I go, ah, I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a love story. I mean, it's a woman and a fish. You know, you remember Splash? We all loved Splash.


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[Assistant] And so I thought, yeah, well, get out was a horror movie and horror movies never win. My wife loves three billboards, you know, which is about hate and people dealing with hate, which really speaks to, you know, where the world is today. There's, you know, so much hate on, on all these levels.


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[Assistant] I think he should have won because the guy invented his own genre.


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[Assistant] Which hasn't been done since Quentin Tarantino in 1992 with Reservoir Dogs. That was like such a, oh wow, it's kind of invented his own genre. So for that alone.


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[Assistant] Uh, there was a bar out front. It was in my neighborhood and he was the guy that I would talk to. I'd pop in there and, uh, he was a sweetheart of a guy. Yeah. And, uh, you know, I very just lovable, wonderful guy and, uh,


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[Assistant] You know, it's funny like when you know somebody and they, they knock it out of the park. You know, like I watched your special, I felt the same way. Oh, thanks man. Yeah. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's, it's like a good feeling when you see people knock it out of the park.


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[Assistant] Uhm, that's great. You know, uh, I'm from Oviedo, Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And? And Oviedo is famous for, uh, the Oviedo chickens. Really? That walk around on the little downtown area. Where is Oviedo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uh. Is that Panhandle area? No, no, no, no, no. It's, uhm, east of Orlando about. Oh. I mean, it was a charming. Like Cocoa Beach kind of? Towards Cocoa. Okay. Uh, it was a charming little citrus village when I grew up there. Now, uh, they built a circular highway around Orlando and it is a highway exit now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a Chili's and a Target and all that. But there's still the little downtown area, and there's a Popeye's Fried Chicken, which is funny because these chickens walk around in the parking lot.


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[Assistant] The great thing about, uhm, not living anywhere for 10 years and then getting it out of storage, uhm, my apartment looks like a National Geographic gift shop.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then I, you know, I was blown away if I didn't know your mother was from Peru, and if you come to my apartment,


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[Assistant] Got Peruvian blankets. You said you love Peru. Peru is my favorite place I have ever been in my life. And my, uh, all time favorite souvenir I ever bought anywhere in the world. And I've been doing a joke about it is, um, my handcrafted Peruvian chess set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it is, uh, the Incas versus the Spanish Conquistadors.


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[Assistant] When I lived in Amsterdam, I had a late night talk show for two years and then.


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[Assistant] The same network let me be a presenter on a travel show for a year. And I got to film a highlight on Peru.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I didn't go to the Amazon North Park, but I went almost everywhere else. I traveled, I was there for like almost two weeks. And, uh, it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. Did you do ayahuasca?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, no. When we went to Machu Picchu, when we left...


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[Assistant] The road outside of Machu Picchu, some like kind of country road, people, they had, uh, there was some protest of some kind going on and they had rolled massive boulders off of the mountains into the road. They would block the, that was apparently a way of protesting.


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[Assistant] We got no other way to voice our displeasure. Of course. Somebody get up there with a...


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[Assistant] I want to go back and spend more time in Cuzco. It was the, uh, it was the Rome of the Inca Empire. And there's this famous, can I ramble about this? There's this famous 12 sided stone. The Incas did not use mortar.


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[Assistant] There's, and this stone is like 10 tons, and it's this 12-sided stone, and it's in this foundation, uh, wall.


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[Assistant] And, uh, the metaphor is that no stone is too irregular not to fit in place somewhere.


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[Assistant] That was the way that they, that's the way that they did their masonry.


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[Assistant] Crazy. And Machu Picchu, uh, the way the, the like, home dwellings are laid out, that the, there's still running water that runs through them, which is amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Inca class is the first class and the last two cars on the train have leather armchairs. So the regular train ticket is like $14. That's from Cusco to Machu Picchu? Cusco to Puno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like seven hours through the Andes. Puno is the biggest city on Lake Titicaca. You know what's on the shores of Lake Titicaca? The statue of Beavis and Butthead laughing.


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[Assistant] But, so, one of my favorite things I've ever done in my life, uh, so the last two cars is the first class, and it's only like 27 bucks. You got leather armchairs, and the caboose is a bar car, and the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ass end of the caboose is an out open air banister. So you can get a cocktail at the bar.


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[Assistant] And then there's like herds of llama. It's just absolutely stunning.


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[Assistant] Uh, but my dentist displays vacation photos in the waiting area. And I think that just breeds resentment. I'm, you know, you're sitting there and like there's pictures of him like on a boat in the Caribbean, wherever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like it now? Yeah, cause Ashna loves to cook, and...


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[Assistant] It's interesting, the little things in life, like having a sock drawer.


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[Assistant] And an underwear drawer, uh, really thrills us. And the fact that, uh, we can buy family size shampoos. Yeah, everything was travel size. Everything was travel size forever. And then like we opened the fridge and we're like, we own this mustard.


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[Assistant] Our mustard, man. Uh, and it's, it's nice too. I, this is my third time living in Los Angeles.


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[Assistant] Uh, fine fruits and vegetables that are available in the markets. So good, so good here. Uhm, you know, I lived here...


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[Assistant] Twenty years ago, when I had the sitcom, I lived on top of the Hollywood Hills, in this rockstar apartment, all glass walls, a view of all the lights of Los Angeles, I was swimming in cash, and then twenty years ago, I lived in, I'm sorry, ten years ago, I lived in Koreatown, and I was broke, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when we, you know, the first year was a long distance relationship.


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[Assistant] And then I said, if you want to be with me, you have to reduce your life to one checked bag and two carry-ons. And for a woman to, for a woman to reduce her life to like four pairs of shoes. Crazy. Very admirable. She rolled with it and we had a great adventure.


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[Assistant] You know, when we had time off, depending where we were, we would go like, and especially now with like Airbnb.


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[Assistant] And uber and you know, you can, you can basically live anywhere and have a nice life. You know, four years in a row we went to Rome.


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[Assistant] And rented an apartment for a week or two after I did like a couple months, months of gigs in Europe. Did a month in Asia, then we went to Bali for a couple weeks. Uhm.


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[Assistant] San Francisco, depending where we were when we had time off, because we didn't live anywhere, we could live wherever we wanted.


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[Assistant] Yeah, uh, I mean, that's probably why I married her. But yeah, no, and she, that's one of the things that I love the most about her is she,


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[Assistant] Instantly loved comedy. And loved hanging out with comedians.


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[Assistant] So like, that was the best thing, and then, you know, doing festivals around the world, and then, uh,


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[Assistant] I also liked the fact that she was a heavy drinker.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so it was fun. We were, we were partying and hanging out with comedians and, uh,


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[Assistant] When I busted my head open and stopped drinking four years ago, she, she dialed it back enormously.


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[Assistant] I thought you guys would have, like us, that uhm, you know, when your partner sees you so often, you know, you gotta make your show lively for them.


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[Assistant] I, I, I still, I love watching comedy. I like, sometimes I'll get there early when I'm at the comedy store and


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[Assistant] I like when like somebody is destroying the room before where you can say something.


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[Assistant] And then it's, I'll give you an example. I go to New York once or twice a year just to do sets at the Comedy Cellar.


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[Assistant] I went to New York and uhm, I had to go on after Amy Schumer. And so Amy Schumer,


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[Assistant] I had to follow her like three times that week, and you know, she's from New York, she's this hometown hero, everyone loves her, she's, she's destroying the place, and she told this story about her father,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said he's kind of an asshole, he's got MS or whatever, but he's just her father and she loves him. And she's been paying somebody to come and jack him off.


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[Assistant] And, uh, and, and, and, and she absolutely destroyed the place. So like, you got the...


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[Assistant] You know, there's the normal anxiety, nervousness as a comedian when you're about to go on stage and you're in your mind about what you want to talk about and then when somebody's on before you and they're absolutely ripping the place to shreds and they're being adored and then that adds even an extra layer of intensity to your


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[Assistant] The first night I'm like, oh my god, she is absolutely distra- I can't believe she's talking about her dad like this.


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[Assistant] It just came to me like moments before I walked on stage. I walked out there and I just acted very kind of shy and sheepish. Hi everybody.


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[Assistant] It's like surfing, you know, you're jumping on someone else's wave. True, true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always watch the person before me just so like, oh, if they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, uh, well, I mean, I've put out, uh, I just came out with a new album, All Hail Laughter, and that's my fourth album. Uhm. But how much unreleased stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have no idea. I mean, I have videos and videos of things from the past. I don't know. It's just amazing to me how long I've been doing comedy and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Greta Gerwig should have won the, the, the best act. And I loved the fact that the film took place in Sacramento. It's a girl coming of age story. Anyway, I get this, uh, email yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's, you know, it's like, I don't know. I guess you think about things the way you are in your life. Like, my, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's certain comedians I love, and like, I will go see them, uh, I'm fans of certain people. I love Van Morrison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Van Morrison played at the Will Turn last week. I saw him once before in New York years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you know, I went and I'm a fan. I, it's like, I could appreciate just being in the same room with the guy because I love him so much, but only because I'm a huge fan of Van Morrison. I could pick out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my God, I can't believe he didn't do Have I Told You Lately. Uh huh. Or X, Y, I wish he'd have done more hits or whatever. You know? Uhm, I, it's, I don't know. It's, I guess people, who knows what I'm trying to say. Who knows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, there's like, there's, there's some cities, you know, like San Francisco and Chicago and you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Atlanta. What's your best city?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I-I-I love San Francisco, the Punchline, I like Minneapolis Acme.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Atlanta Punchline have been playing for years, uhm, Chicago Zanies, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there's, there's, there's a lot of them that I love. Yeah. Uh, the Sydney Comedy Store in Australia is one of my favorites. And they're good to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was there last year and it had been a few years since I had been there. But yea, I've played there a lot through the years. It's one of my favorite rooms in the world. Have you played there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, maybe when you go back, you'll do the Enmore Theater. That's what I was booked to do. The Enmore was amazing. I was booked to do it. We were, we were- Yea, that part of town, Newtown, is like the, it's the cool, gay, artsy area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a pity, I, uh, Melbourne of course, uh, is an amazing city. It's awesome. Yeah. Brisbane, Perth. Yeah. Love these places. I was supposed to do all four. Oh my god, and New Zealand, the New Zealand Comedy Festival. Haven't been. Uhm, that's, god that was one of the best months I've ever had in my life. I refuse to go, yeah I refuse to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck do I have to worry? Yeah, and by the way, it's not my problem. At what point in your life, you know. It's not only that. It's your problem. It's our problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, if you sell 100 tickets, you're gonna get the bonus, and we only sold 89.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then clubs in like Texas and Florida in the summer because of the air conditioning. Yeah, they're full. So it's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, but it's just a, you know, I mean. No, but it's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, actually I was in Paris in January at this, I've played in Paris a lot, uh, but there's this theater that I played in January, and, uh, Theater La Ouvre.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm booked back there October 15th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On October 15th. So, if there's any listeners who is looking for a reason to go to Paris, you should come to my, my hour special. It's gonna be awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, actually this, when I was there in January, it was mostly French people who spoke English. So for my hour special, I need to get some more English speaking people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there, but, uh, it's a phenomenal room. I have a long history with Paris. My first love of my adult life, uh, I lived with a Parisian woman in San Francisco for seven years. Natalie. We're still good friends. And the very first time I went to Paris, uh, some guys tried to rob me and I was maced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I've got some great stories. I almost drowned in Thailand on this French resort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They also like stories and they, they really love theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you'll like, you'll never, you would never get a heckler in France. Right. Cause the audience is just conditioned to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, when I was there in January, I sold 240 tickets. It's amazing that I can sell more tickets in Paris than I can in some clubs in the United States.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's great, and I, uh, thanks, Christina. And I, uh, you know, I love Paris, I got great


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I follow them on Instagram. It's the rated, it's the number one rated patisserie in, in Paris. It's on this street called Rue Montegoille. And this street is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's got bread shops and cheese shops. Followed them already. It's, it's such an amazing food street. But this patisserie place is the number one rated patisserie. And when I go to Paris now, I'll take the metro straight there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, there's these custard tarts with like raspberries and kiwi slices on top of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing, like when I was there, it's, you know, I'm trying to be, I left breadcrumbs all over the city. These baguettes are only like a dollar twenty. And these, you know, you just walk around nibbling on bread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you like, I got my little patisserie pastries in a box for whenever I'm ready to sit down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. All bloated. Have you seen, there's a, there's a, he has a food channel show. He does? Yea, where it's, I saw it when I was in Europe, so I don't know if it's, if it's, I thought it was the food channel, but it's, he's basically eating his way through Europe. Dude, and he's so fat. He's enormous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, apparently he drinks like constantly. He like, he starts out with like, uh, with liqueurs. He's, he's got a, I heard about he's got a regiment of drinking, but he's on this, he's on this food show and this friend who he travels with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'll have all that information about my Paris special on the website. Great, next few months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, maybe my world travels will, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just pictured that person on the plane with the mom, with the young child crying and everybody, you know, looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leave them on, leave them on. I like them now, now I'm used to them. When you turn 40, your vision gets bad. I need my dad glasses, I left them. Where are your dad's vision? They're upstairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I need them now. I can't read all this copy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, okay, I'll, I'll go. February 2nd and 3rd, Shartlake Teddy's Poota.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wise guys comedy club. Tickets are really rolling on that, you guys. So if you're gonna go, go now because listen, mom's pregnant, I ain't adding shows. You know what I'm saying? There ain't gonna be no Sunday night. There ain't gonna be no third show Saturday. Cause I'm too fucking tired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] February 23rd, Caloosa, Casino, Caloosa, California, one show, one night only, March 30th and 31st, Portland, Oregon, at the Heriam Comedy Crub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should be fun. Check it out. Christina P online for tickets. Thank you. I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm adding some stuff too. Uhm, wait no. It's coming.


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[Assistant] Possibly the lamest, lamest line ever in a movie.


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[Assistant] Can we stop making those movies where white people turn around the lives of black kids?


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[Assistant] There's a movie now on Netflix I'm itching to watch, it's on my list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's a reverse of that. So it's the black girl teaching the white girls how to be saucier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so lame. So it's a step, you know, it's like step stuff or whatever, and she's gonna teach the white girls how to step.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's gonna, she's gonna teach them how to be more flavorful, colorful.


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[Assistant] I mean, in the 70s and the 80s, that was kind of a new thing.


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[Assistant] But I do love those step crews, man. You know, I watch Bring It On every- I know that's cheerleading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cold in here. There must be some clovers in the at.


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[Assistant] You know why? It's my god damn cockroach DNA. Cause my eastern block genetics, I've, I can, I've survived the communism. I've survived world war two because my, my genetics are superior. My immune system is superior to the average American swine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now my problem is I'm pregnant and so I've got, my immune system is lowered from pregnancy. So it just took me down. I've never, I haven't laid in bed sick in what, a decade? When's the last time you ever seen me lay down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the good news is, I got into this Korean soap opera on Netflix, uh,


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[Assistant] I think it's a poor translation of the title or just lazy translation. They do that, they do that both ways. Yeah, why be so lazy? Like why not really try to think, excuse me, about the title?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's shittily translated to, hello my twenties, and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was looking for some light bullshit. And I'm so fascinated by Korean culture because when I was in Seoul like 10 years ago, I would watch their TV and I would wish I could understand what these people were talking about because it's so dramatic and they're so beautiful. They're such beautiful people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm hooked. I'm halfway through it and it's a dark show. It's actually very dark and very complicated and very cool.


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[Assistant] The value of life is significantly diminished. Where is it, Columbia? They don't give a fuck about life.


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[Assistant] And then relief washes over you. So relief? No, there's enough.


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[Assistant] I'm wondering how long Abuelita's gonna be watching her shows because every night I sleep and then you watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. And I wake up every now and then and I look and there's the ugliest motherfuckers on that show too. I'm like dude, this guy's ugly as shit. This fucker's on TV? Uh, yeaah. Well, it's exciting. You know the problem with my Korean show is these bitches are always eating this delicious Korean food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't wanna, you know, upset people or polarize or make anybody feel bad. Not at this guy's show.


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[Assistant] You know, I was thinking today, are there any topics that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, like of all the topics you covered, isn't it surprising the ones that kinda catch


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're going to a comedy show and you're all agreeing in this social contract, then what we're gonna have in the room is called fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In context, it's called a joke, I believe, unless you were giving a lecture on, you know, geography or-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, every joke has a victim. And I feel like you can get upset. You know, you tell jokes about cats and the cat people get mad. Tell a joke about the dog and the dog people get mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm offended, uhm, you're using bricks in that wall. My cousin was a brick.


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[Assistant] Really? I've been getting so many complimentary texts from our friends and family and Twitter messages about how fantastic yours is. So I'm, I'm really happy. And I, I just, I wish you would just tell jokes that didn't hurt people's feelings. Can we make a list of approved subject matter?


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[Assistant] Wind? Oh, they're probably going to get upset about that.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, that's true. That's hurtful to the grapes. We're not taking grapes feelings into consideration. That's true. Weather, that doesn't seem to agitate people.


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[Assistant] You know what I'm gonna do for your next special, I'm just gonna help you here.


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[Assistant] Uh, I think, I think you're right, I remember that was one of the first times uhm, you'd ever received hatred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny because you really can't predict what will set people off.


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[Assistant] Cause let's be honest, we both have said pretty inflammatory shit about lots of other people in both of our specials.


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[Assistant] Well, and I also think that people have always been offended and upset.


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[Assistant] Anyway, people got mental problems. You gotta, you gotta get your life, get your ass into therapy. Let's talk about something more important. Don't worry about it.


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[Assistant] How are you gonna love that cum if you can't love your own cum? What?


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[Assistant] I don't know how people have indiscriminate sex or uh, licking indiscriminate cocks and balls. Like a lot of people do that. Like a lot of girls will


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[Assistant] Bitch, you're too old to be like, making these videos. You can fucking cover this in junior high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why can't I just post a video of me sucking on some balls like, cherries like balls and have it be about me? It's my form of expression. Well, cause you look like you wanna suck dudes balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's in the car, windows up, it's just the two of you, and like a girl walks across the street, maybe a jogger, or just like a normal girl in jeans and a shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also like to do it, uhm, to like, like young teenage girls. I only say that because I can kind of get away with it. They're not, they're not sluts by any stretch, but it's funny to be like, look at those sluts over there, just walking sluts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's more fun for me when they're like, older, clearly not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I like that you used to do, uh, back when we were in The Bro and stuff? You haven't done it in a while. Whenever we see a pregnant lady, you'd always be like, ugh, what's wrong with her belly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were having a conversation with, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A mother yesterday who weren't, we're acquaintances with over the phone and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was talking about a nanny she had with her son, and, and something, she said something like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, what's the point of life? Now, our kid yesterday- She's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem with being a comedian and a mom is that I laugh at a lot of the shit that our kid's doing right now and I should be disciplining him. Yeah, yeah. Yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We caught him, he got into my red lipstick, like my stage lipstick, like the shit that I wear for 10 hours state, like it's a really saturated color.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just dark as red, red fuck, all over his hands, and of course where? On our white ass wall. And we left him for like...


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[Assistant] I mean, I bet technically you're right, because a detergent is a detergent, a soap is a soap. However, I think it's more of a textual thing, is that the word I'm looking for? Textural, text texture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? It doesn't feel good, and I don't think you should put soap in, I mean, uh, shampoo in your vagina. Because women we have to- No, you should, you should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have to wash not up inside of our vaginas, but you gotta get in there, and I'm thinking that it might burn. It might hurt my vag. So that's kind of like a utility thing, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like a mint shampoo probably wouldn't be good down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, as long as, see, the thing with you is you'll adapt to whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can train your, your asshole. It's absolutely true. I've done it with, uh, when I used to work in 9 to 5. Think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but he's saying you can retrain your duties so that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're, like for instance, let's say you start a new job, and you want to take a dump before you go to the office, but you've been unemployed for a month, so now you're taking your dumps at like 10am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if anyone out there listening is struggling with this issue,


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[Assistant] Because my body is trained, even just the smell of coffee can induce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling people, I'm trying to give valuable life advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if you want to train your dumps, I recommend you wake up two hours earlier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drink your coffee. Like, for those of you who aren't drinking a high-powered coffee,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then complaining that you can't shit will get your life, man. You gotta drink high octane coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause of convenience, but I loved, I missed the portafilter and locking it in and putting the grinds in there nice and fresh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I miss that stuff too, cause that's a real cup of coffee.