[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like they would, you know, every other day, like, you know, what's Wolverine's favorite food? And I would always joke about this cause I would just be like, to make characters laugh. And they were always chastising me for being, trying to be funny. Like, Wolverine's not funny cause they'd hear me being like, you know, what's Wolverine's favorite food? And I was like, potato salad and shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got here in 2001, went to acting school at USC, and then 2003 myself, I'm here. I was like, I need a summer job. Uhm, and so tour guide was cool, and I went with a buddy of mine who wanted to do it. He was like, will you come with me just to the audition? And then he didn't get it. It was like his dream to like tell people that that's jazz. It was like his dream and then he didn't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was big. And, uh, the wild, no, not the wild, there was, you know, the tank where Kramer swam and Seinfeld, uhm, what else, dude, the, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a three week training course. They give you a binder and I was in a fraternity in college at the time. So I'd lock myself in my frat during parties and memorize, you know, hours of material cause you had to know all the facts for the certain stops. And then if you got stalled in the summertime, like backed up, chances to get like six deep and you'd be waiting to go into the earthquake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such bullshit stunts, you're like, alright, when these guys, we're gonna put them up on these, uh, b- these flat beams, and, uh, and when I say go, and then the sound effect goes, ga-goosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bottom drops out. But they're attached to this wire. So I'm like, but they're attached to a wire. And I started improvising one time. I go, so there's no real danger involved. So what are we actually doing here? And my boss is like, you can't keep vamping on the script.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so they would drop and they're hanging and then it's just like who can hang the longest without freaking out. But then they have to eat actually a fear factor concoction like they would on the show. And it'd be like, you know, I don't know, beaver twats and like pickle juice and uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, old milk, and this one guy just projectile vomited on me, and I'm literally facing the crowd, I go, come on everybody, let's pump up the fear, whatever, the bullshit, you know, give it up for Steve, and then he just, I remember turning back to him, and he just looked at me and just, that was it. And I was like, what the fuck man? And I heard half gasp and half like, laughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A tour guy was shit though, and that's why I was like, I gotta get promoted to Wolverine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. That should have been the most, but like you have to accumulate a certain amount of hours to get a pay bump. So I think when I started it was like $8.50 an hour. Which by the way, four hour shows a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And remember, and three week training, and then a, and then a, I mean it was bonkers. God damn abuse is what it is. And that's like making it pretty fun. There's a lot of tour guides who just do the bare minimum, they do the written jokes like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uh, you know, for the Jaws, like, uh-oh, Steve! Hey, guys, wave to our friend Steve! And they're like, wait, Steve, get out! Oh, well, uh, guess this'll be his last swim, uh, you know, but I would, like, actually stand up, take my sunglasses off, freak the fuck out. I made a girl cry on, like, my third tour because, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking dumb acting student fresh out of college. I'm like, this is an acting exercise. And I committed and I was like, there's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you know, my SAT scores were shit. I had a pretty good GPA, some extracurricular stuff, but then, and then when I went to the admissions people, they were like, really prey on that Jew stuff. They didn't say it like that, I'm paraphrasing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're like, you know, diversity and all that, and uh, and then I wanted, you know, I wasn't totally sure if I wanted to do full on, cause in the BFA, which I was in,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. My aunt goes, I knew that was his name. And so, uh, and so I auditioned because they were like, you have a better chance. If you get into the acting school, then they'll tell the school you have to take them because we're taking them. So the BFA is like, you know, class from nine to six, better teachers, more, um, it's just a more rigorous program, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so auditioning for that, and then I got in, and then, and, because I don't think I would have otherwise. The mean average for the S.A.T. Dude, the S.A.T. average I think in my incoming freshman class was like 15, 20. Oh no. Mine was like 11, 10.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead. And the clips you post of them are just so spot on. And, and I love, like, and some people, it's just like, as soon as you post it, I was like, I get exactly what you're talking about. The guys just, and eventually what's so great about it, I don't see it stopping anytime soon. You're gonna get him in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you get for being the biggest selling act of all time, right? Like if you're gonna be that big, dude, the YouTube comments are probably a plenty, you know, like a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The in-comment conversations are maybe some of the best things the internet provides, you know, where people then who don't know each other are like, dude, I'll tell you what's going on. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so Garth, do you think one day you're just gonna be reading these comments and all of a sudden you're just gonna see below, like, Androck29, you're just gonna see GarthKnows62, like, you know, I don't find this shit that funny at all, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that's how he's gonna integrate his, his say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all in fun. What it is too, it's a great example in like, dude, don't take yourself so seriously. Especially when you're a country rock music superstar. When I saw Celine Dion in Vegas, and I've always said that sentence a couple times out loud in public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My buddy had tickets when I was out there, uh, for that, uhm, this Vegas comedy festival, which was crazy because the night before, I'd gambled with, uh, Sickler and Josh Adameyers and Bert Kreischer and we'd all, we were playing roulette. Bert didn't remember it, which is insane because he instigated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He instigated us winning all a ton of cash. We put down, I think a hundred, it was like, let's put on a hundred before we whatever on black. And then we won. And then we're like, oh yeaah. And then Bird just looks at everybody and goes, let it ride, let it ride. And we're like, yeaah. We did it again, won again, did that five times. And won? Yeaah. And then Sickle and I were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He lit it right again and won, and then left. And then, uh, and then the next day we were like, dude, I've never seen so much breakfast. And I was like, hey man, thanks for that extra laundry money. And he was like, what are you talking about? I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let it ride, your catchphrase of the night, and he was like, man, I just fucking, I don't even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With my wife and she's sick. He's like, do you want to go? I was like, I don't know man. He goes, I got a blunt. I was like, that sounds fun. So we go, we were like fifth row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, she's unbelievable, but it's one of those Vegas acts and one of these artists that has done probably hundreds of thousands of shows, that she, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she came out in a yellow dress at one point and she goes, look at me. I'm so yellow. I'm so yellow. I'm so yellow yellow. And I'm just like in the back like no one's disputing the color. What the fuck? And then she just goes, I'm like, and then stops and does like a turn to the camera and goes, I'm like Celine Dijon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everybody lost their fucking minds, including me, cause I had reached like the peak high. And I was like, I'm not above a good condiment joke. Yeah, that's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But every, and then she'd talk for 20 minutes and then she'd go, they're in my ear being like, pick it up, pick it up, you're doing too much, stand up. She would call it stand up. Oh my goodness. And then she'd go into My Heart Will Go On, or That's the Way It Is, and you just forget about everything she'd just done, you know. It's an amazing show. Unbelievable. My Heart Will Go On, she's elevating, there's fake rain, thought it was fake, looked pretty real to me, maybe the wee was great, but she's just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a great, I should have, I should have raised my hand and asked that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, don't you get curious about people that tour to that size of an audience? Like, even the Wiggles, I'm like, what are they doing that I'm not doing? You know? Of course. You know, by the way, the sleep thing- I can't sleep because of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has forever. Wasn't that a Jeopardy question? This lesbian wants to- This lesbian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She also seems like one of those Journey, you know, artists that's just like done it all, seen it all, could have stories where it's like, this one time I was on a flight to Burbank, we ended up in Mongolia, next thing you know I'm scissoring a couple


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, your Tyson story is like one of the greatest stories. Oh, I was freaked out by that. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, well I was told by someone who met Jordan once that his hands are, oh, that seemed like I was going to be like, Jordan's got the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, what, that his hand is like gigantic. So I feel like, I mean it's usually, right, people go, what size shoe are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's definitely short guys. My, um, my co-host Bradley Williams, uh, attests that he, you know, is, uh, packing okay. But also, you know, the small hands and everything, like, pretty much looks bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think with the big hand thing, I don't know, I think there was some truth to that. But also Shaq, like, I just can't imagine that that thing doesn't also act as like an extra leg at some point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From just like the world recognizing, thank you for what you're doing for this sport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if that's Neil deGrasse Tyson type shit or like, yeah, but he, maybe it's the secret, right? But just being like, if I take Gatorade to China, maybe my cock'll follow suit. I don't know. Yeah. But I think just being the greatest, I feel like he's gotta be. I think so too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, like as they walk, like they're like, alright, and now here's Mr. Tang and his 8th grade P.E. coach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody goes like, oh, I hope like, you know, some, my best friend gets the Barbie princess car. You're like, no, I want that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do you make a noise if you are, like, under, like, is there a, oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gotta be a thing. I would feel like if I see one that's that big, and that's like, and you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just feel that. I got a great urethra. Why's the tip always been so like, is that the best part? Is that like we're like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That's rude. That's very rude. Inconsiderate. He's right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's dark, it's a night flight. All of a sudden I see him on his iPad scrolling through. Actually, I'm sorry, phone. And I just kinda like look over, and all of a sudden I'm just like, oh those are dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking dicks. Those are boobs. And this guy's just going through-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ethnicity but she had a big garb on and he's scrolling through all these saved videos and at first it's just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black people fucking. And then it's like, uh, just dicks. There's old men walking around flopping dicks. It was this whole grab bag of like, I'm in third row, uh, second row and he's in first row to the left and I'm on the right. He's on the aisle first row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, cause I was just like, you know, and I even took like a little picture of this guy and was gonna add that to it. And then, uh, but Instagram took the video down after about 10 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That fast. Tons of comments though people will just, a lot of people will be like, this is gross, why'd you post this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but there's some big names in it. Uh. Is it an 80s or 90s movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, how bad is the voiceover? So bad. This guy doesn't- Figgy's barely reading copy. He's just like, McConaughey's in it, then a midget shows up, Beckinsale's freaked out, she doesn't know if she can suck off a guy who's brothers with a midget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matthew McConaughey, Gary Oldman. Hot tubs and midgets? I mean- Was that the alternate title? A walk down the aisle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Wait a minute, how do you think, now do you think in the pitch meeting, Kami's like, so look, I'm very excited for this new movie. Like, you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, I've been loving to work with Beckinsale at some point, right? Oldman, John fan, no bigger fan of Oldman than McConaughey. And they go, we're gonna say McConaughey for the trailer, we'll talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, are you gonna have a viewing party? Because I need to know, does Oldman rip him apart? Cause Kate's like, I don't know. Didn't she say at one point, like, I don't know if I can go through with this. Yes. Cause they're about to get married. They're about to. But then all of a sudden, Dwarf Oldman shows up and throws a curveball into McConaughey's dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anti-dwarf. Yeaah. It kind of feels like it. It kind of is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Brad's people are too, he's like, he looks up to the oomps, the oompa loomps, so people are like, Dinkwitch is your guy, and he's like, don't tell me how to live my life, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a great moment where he plays it for everybody and they just go, do you think it's immediate where they watch it at the end and Oldman, the last line, let's just, you know, hypothesize, Oldman just goes, so I guess I'll just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I don't know. Cause I'd love to see what else he did. Did he do like, fried green tomatoes? Or uhm... Good point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, not that I don't feel bad when I hear these creeper stories from gals, but it's like when you see video evidence you're like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, like, there was a, a girl was dating in college, I remember she was at a bar and she gave a number to a guy because we were dating and she was like, I just felt bad. And I was like, don't do that, like there's, he's gonna send you weird shit now. And he did. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We could be workout buddies. I need a spotter in life and at the gym. He got, he got the hint. And, but like, when- He didn't seem like he would. That seemed like a video web series ready to be made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing, he didn't seem, he seemed like a kind of affable guy that was kind of like your dumb, like, almost like your boner from growing pains and your group of friends, to where like you're hanging out and you're like, hey, do that thing with your goatee or like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make that fart noise or like something stupid where you had some weird human trick, but then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you'd see him talk to women and you're like, we should probably get out of here, you know? Yeah, yeah. Cause he's gonna like, take it up a notch and fall in love and start calling girls flower. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It hurts my stomach. It's just cringy. Yea, it makes my stomach hurt. It's embarrassing. I bet like in 10 years you'd be like, hey, we've been- Oh wait, play it again. It's so like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that's the end of his commercial when he's like, hey, it's me. What's his name again? Joe. Joe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is all you get. I wanna know what he was anticipating he might give her if she did ask for more though, you know? What if she texted back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Where it's like, it's that whole like, prefacing it with that thing that you, like, he knows it's scary, like. He knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did you say after that? Right after that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god. Oh, so that's his calling card. That's his move. That's his closer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See you later. Mwah. And backs away and just like goes inside. And they're like, not even a real kiss? Nah, it's the first date, baby. You gotta come inside for that. Mwah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I remember when Will Smith joined Instagram, like that was a big deal too, but obviously he did it in a very cool, big willy style way, you know? He wasn't like, this is going to be where you get the raw willy stuff, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Get him to do it. Cause sometimes they're just so unaware and famous where they're like, hey, say happy birthday to my aunt Judy and then say, uh, you know, and then he'll just be like, oh shit. And he'll just. Keep your jeans high and tight. Jeans up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, remember that guy that got discovered on the side of the road and he was like 95.5 and then he got like a Kraft singles commercial right after that. He was like, Kraft macaroni and cheese and he was like, rub the cheese sauce on your taint. And they were like, dude, that's not, I think we gotta mix it up. You're good, we're good on that take. And he was like, I got more. His voice was nuts. He was unbelievable though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To where, to where like maybe they're doing it, to where then people post videos. Like what if, what if, like with this Kevin Hart shit that's going on, what if somebody posted some video with his face being like, and we got the tweets, we also have old footage of him saying stuff. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You share, but then yea, and then that's gonna, you know, maybe there's like a 10 bucks a month type thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I'm trying to go back to like, you know, my wiping days in college and it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm having a tough time remembering fully, but I know it wasn't like great. I know I never was walking out being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the best part about college? Oh man, the acting school was pretty cool, but I got the cleanest fucking butthole, you know, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, is that a, do you wait till marriage for that or? No. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fan. He was a big NBA fan and I think, you know, Omaha where he grew up didn't have a team. I think when he got out here, he was just like, I'm a Clippers guy. Yeah. Lakers were, I can't, I don't know how he got it. Oh, he loved Blake Griffin and Chris Paul and Deon Ray Jordan and they were a big team and they were workaholics fans. So it was like a mutual thing. I think they might've hit him up and then he went to games and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eric is the most insane person to go to a basketball game with, cause he just talks so much shit, I mean, in the best way. And he's got that big voice, and he's like, we don't want your shit! And they fucking turn around all the time, and sometimes they recognize him, so then they laugh, and other times they're just like, man, fuck you, you know, like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But so we go to the back area and there's this little like bar area and then you go to the bathroom and you walk straight back and then there's like, uh, two doors to the bathroom and then like a little hallway in the back where you can kind of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost way to where there's a chair in the back corner, facing where your people are standing in line to get into the bathrooms. And I just walked back there and Jack's just sitting back there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Legs spread, holding the coffee, looks like just an old man chilling on a porch. Like just back there, just like, sunglasses on, smiling, not talking to anybody. So now there's all these dudes and girls lined up, I mean it's a small area, maybe four or five, and everyone sees him and he's looking at us, kinda looking down and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I'm going to throw a Hail Mary and say something. So he goes, what's up, Jack? And he goes, Hey, and he goes, what you doing, man? And he goes, takes a pause, looks down and then goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fuck does it look like I'm doing? Yeah, and he goes, I'm drinking a coffee in the corner. And I go, awesome. And then the guy goes, hell yeah, man. And he goes, huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, fucking guy. And then he goes through and then I get up there and I'm like, hey man, I'm an actor, you're the man, and like, you know, and then he was like, cool, and I go, yeah man, I got an act that you are my favorite, still are, like, you're a god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hope you're having a good time. He goes, it's a great time to, to live, isn't it? And I was like, yeah, man, when are we gonna see in movies again? He's like, who knows? And I was like, yeah, fair enough, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, not for like, urinal small talk, I'm a big non-advocate of that, like, if someone talks to you. I remember one time some guy said something, he was like, man, aren't these urinals, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at it. Look at my dick. What do you think? It's like, don't talk at the urinal. Wait a minute, can I answer this girl's question though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's been hacking since he was a fucking toddler. Yeah, I'll show you his Cheerios commercial. You don't, but you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a lot. One of my buddy's girls was for a while and it sucked, man. You do it just to be there. They gave you two seats and they were up on the nosebleeds and they're just like, this is a privilege. If you don't want to do it, we'll find somebody else. And they will. And they will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 12. That's a really good point. So. Since he wrote Bustin' Nuts. Yeah. That's right. Which was when it was 9.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's old man swagger too. But he doesn't have as much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would it take for him to genuinely chronicle, like, just the, the tales? I mean, would any, cause no one, no Hollywood elite has ever done that, right? Like, these guys that are known for being just such


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like to actually write some book where he was like, chapter one, Denise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about the girls that were like, uh, I'm not really a Greg Kinnear girl, I'm more of a, you know, something's gotta give.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's always had a very, um, you know, just fatherly demeanor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there a young Alan Arkin picture? Probably. Wanna see it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tribeca is another one of those guys that I feel like has just always looked the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He probably was still that guy. I bet he's been Jack all the time, you know? People that know him since he was that young were like, oh yeaah, he's always just been. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it was just like, oh, you psycho. And then he just, and then they would go back and be like, and apparently Kirk Cameron always felt this way. Wow. It was the same guy who did the VO for Tiptoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, I don't know if they interviewed other actors or something, they were like, yeah man, he was like, the hottest shit ever, but he just like, girls would come to his dressing room, whatever, and he'd just be like ghetto, like he was just very much like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, he's probably gonna get some sort of reconstructive surgery, but- Yeaah, he's bruised. That garbage can't- Yeaah, he's bruised.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing about dudes, he's probably fallen out of a tree as a kid like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's really trying to get out of there. Can you imagine me in that situation, where like, if the guy, like, I, I, I immediately pictured, like, he was with some girl, and the guy came back, and he's like, I just gotta get out now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy was just like, he was waiting for it. Maybe that's the guy. Maybe that's the guy that was in the room and then he's outside the window and he goes, he goes, go ahead, hang out there. I'll meet you downstairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's alright. If you miss those trash cans, that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a wrap on the day. So what's the vote, horrible or hilarious? Hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if his buddy had looked in the camera right before and been like, alright, it's time for naked German wall jumps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had Tommy on, uh, Sandra Bullock, Bill Burr, Dana Carvey, Melissa McCarthy, Jason Drullo, you know, Patrick Harris. It's a lot of fun. You know what, uh, we gotta have you on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I have done it. Dude, when I listen to him say it at the end and I go, you're closing the podcast with a, I don't remember you were on my podcast. Yeah, I scolded him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, we've been doing it for about five years. It's a long time. Yeaah. You guys are so sweet. It's a blast. And as I was just telling you, we're uhm, oh wait, no, I can't say it yet. Oh, you can't? What I was gonna say about the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Tempe Improv next weekend. Tempe. Uh, in Arizona and then, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Spokane Comedy Club, uh, and then Punchline and San Fran. Those are all good. Those are all good. All great venues. And then Comedy Works in Denver for the first time. Oh, which one are you doing? Downtown.


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[Assistant] That place is un-fucking real. Best audiences in the country. I don't know what's something about the under- First of all, just underground comedy clubs I feel like are-


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[Assistant] Just a little extra special, right? And then the way it just holds in the uhm,


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[Assistant] It's where I think actually I'm going to premiere the trailer for uh, for Fart Barrier. Fart Barrier would be great. I can't wait.


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[Assistant] I've been told a couple of scenes and it might be, I've been told a couple of scenes, it could be a couple of lines. But, uh, but the director of it, I've known for a little bit, his name is Peter Seagal, uh, he's directed Tommy Boy and like 50 First Dates and Nutty Professor and, and, um, so he threw me into this whole thing and, and, uh, and I just want to go and hang out. I got a buddy that's going to go with me to the premiere.


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[Assistant] Uhm, it's me doing all the lines of Gary Oldman from Tiptoes. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


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[Assistant] Got those road dates coming up bruh. Uhm, the 7th and 8th in Tampa are sold out. I have a few tickets left. March 9th.


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[Assistant] For these purposes, it's in Hollywood, Florida. Uh, big room, few tickets left if you want to get them. Uh, later on in March, I have two shows in Portland, Maine. There are very few tickets left March 26th. March 27th is sold out. Uh, then Red Bank.


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[Assistant] New Jersey, Westbury. Oh, New Haven, Connecticut, March 30th. The early show is sold out. The late show, uh, in New Haven has a few tickets left. That is March 30th. Uh, late show has tickets in Madison, Wisconsin, April 11th. Late show in Milwaukee has tickets.


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[Assistant] Uh, April 12th and Late Show in Nashville, April 14th, all at tomscura.com slash tour.


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[Assistant] A bunch of new shows will be added and announced in April. If you want first dibs on those tickets, go to TomSiguro.com slash tour and sign up for the email mailing list that goes out to everyone before the venue pre-sales and before the general on sale. And you can get tickets first. Uh, Gene?


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[Assistant] Oh, this is a really good one. You're really gonna enjoy this. By the way, I, uh, I'm being told that that opening audio instrumental was Obi-Wan. That was an Obi-Wan instrumental.


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[Assistant] I think you need to get the first, the full, cause I have a little experience with this lady. Why don't you, this lady by the way, for people listening, is going up to a town hall.


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[Assistant] That the library, I believe the library may have issues with her. I think she probably earned that block.


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[Assistant] Well, so, cause it was in the city of Davenport.


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[Assistant] That was where she was. The city of Davenport. Do you know where that is?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think about my grandfather and him the most.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I know. I know. I know. And here's the other thing. New pussy doesn't like it. They're like, ugh. Yeah. They're always like, your ear hair? Do you think you could fucking trim your ear hair before I board the bang bus? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, hold on a second. God, this is stupid.


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[Assistant] Now the ear hair, fuck, you know what the funny thing is? Somebody mentions to you, you have like crazy ear hair, you, you immediately can't stop thinking about it. I know, you said that. Because you can't, you can't pull it out really, you know, like you're just like, wait there's hair growing out of my ears right now?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but here's the thing, okay, some people will understand this and then some people I guess won't, but, so, for those of you that don't know, she loves, like, you know, head scratches. So what happens is, you need, like if you're laying in bed, you need it to be where your hand naturally lays.


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[Assistant] No, this is not comfortable to sit there and scratch like this. So I just went like, hey, could you be here? So you were here and all I did was adjust your head.


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[Assistant] Oh, okay. They were subpar scratchies. I mean you're talking shit about the scratchies you're getting.


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[Assistant] Nooo. They don't get scratchy. That's a wife move.


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[Assistant] He's like fucking thirty. He's like, uh, I'm Mormon and I'm gonna wait till marriage. So he has his dork friend come over and chaperone them.


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[Assistant] I thought that would be like the pay toll, you know? That's the toll, that's the price you pay.


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[Assistant] And then, then there's another dork. The Colombian.


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[Assistant] Oh, now she's built to fuck. She's gorgeous. And she comes over, she's like, I'm ready to pay the price.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, she's like, she actually wants to fuck more than he does.


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[Assistant] That's another, this is, I think we just solved, we just solved the Josh dilemma.


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[Assistant] I want American life. He's like, I need to come. Perfect exchange.


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[Assistant] As the seasons progress, we gotta get some fucking psycho bitches in here.


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[Assistant] And I eavesdrop on her conversations and she's like, I'm trying to get Todd to lose weight. He's eating way too much dairy.


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[Assistant] Tolerates our kids. She's not, she doesn't want a kid, right?


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[Assistant] What is, what, what do you think would it be? Is second husband, if you're the woman, is second husband a damn thing?


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[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know that that's a reality.


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[Assistant] So yeah, he's probably, he's probably having a good time.


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[Assistant] Uh, he said no. And I did, you know, I mean, it's like, after he's like, I mean, he convincingly said no, and I was, you know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like when they have like a break, you're like, yeah, we went to Australia. God, start with the hottest chick in the room.


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[Assistant] That's the thing, if he's 72, here's the thing. How? That sweet Vietnamese lady, it's not as easy as, hey, I'm ready to do it.


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[Assistant] He's gotta go to work. Right. A, to get that thing ready to perform. Yeah. And to make it finish. It doesn't work the same way at 72. Right. As 16. Right. You know, 16 you feel a breeze, you're like, ugh, okay.


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[Assistant] At 72, she's gotta put him, she's gotta put his legs back. Die die. Change his die die.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Like the scrum. Oh, you gotta spend 20 minutes there. Then he's like, oh, it's up now. Yeah. Yeah. It's not that easy.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, and then he just busts inner and honor and...


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[Assistant] When you're 30, close your eyes and go back to being 30.


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[Assistant] I know. God damn it. We're gonna need to see that wedding video.


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[Assistant] I respect it. Those shoes don't, don't feel good. Uhm. I respect it. So, ow. Oscars were a few weeks ago.


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[Assistant] The only thing we took a peek at was uh, Bradley Cooper and Lady Kaka did a song together. It's their big hit song and they looked at each other.


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[Assistant] Just like they were in the movie. They've been performing the song a bit, but, uh, and they look at each other with like, I'm gonna fuck you guys.


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[Assistant] Perform the song Bradley Cooper's Baby Mama is like in the front row.


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[Assistant] And it's, you know, it's a performance, but the way that these two...


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[Assistant] Well, they, uh, they really, really perform.


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[Assistant] That 90 Day Fiance? Yea. They do this thing where like, whenever the couples do have like a loving moment, they start playing like...


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[Assistant] I hate that kind of music. And then like those guitar strums and it's like this little montage of them. I hate that music.


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[Assistant] Well that's a perfect lead in, cause it got me thinking about, what about, I mean, we work in this business, what about me doing a love scene? No. Would you just not ever watch it?


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[Assistant] If you told, if you had a love scene, I would go in there with lube and tissue. I'd be like, let's see what's up. And I would just get to jacking right away.


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[Assistant] And if you're like, no, it's a train scene where it's like six guys, I'd be like, even better. I've just booked a small part in a movie.


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[Assistant] First of all, I didn't know this, but Hollywood sees me as a love man, as a leading love man. That's not true. They see me and they're like, this is who America wants to see making love to women on camera.


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[Assistant] And so it's a very romantic part. Uhm, it's called, I play this guy, uh, I think it's Jake the Hammer. Uhm, and he just, he hammers girls really hard.


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[Assistant] Of course I would feel a certain way about it. I'd be like, ah, she doesn't usually French me like that.


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[Assistant] And if you're like, now. I know. I'm gonna put your legs behind your head.


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[Assistant] Are you happy now? Uh, a little. Huh? You fucking stupid woman.


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[Assistant] I don't think so. I think he's a savage. I think he would step on your neck, put your head in the trash.


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[Assistant] Yea, but I'm not a super jealous type anyway. You're not. You're very mellow. But I also feel like, you know, you, you make me feel that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Right now there's just like, these bowls with condoms in every corner of the bus. Stop. Wherever you are, you can- Please, you're killing me.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I've got a really awesome thing to play for you. What? So, you know Fart Simpson?


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[Assistant] DJ Skullvomit, he... Wow, this show is amazing. He always blows us away. Uhm, so a few weeks ago...


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[Assistant] You know, we introduced you to Hard Rock Nick.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's got a lot going on. Special.


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[Assistant] He, uh, he really opened our eyes to how cool he was. Definitely chairman of the Cool Guy Club.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah. So he, yeaah, he blew us away. The cool, the coolest guy we've ever seen. And uhm, fart.


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[Assistant] Does these amazing prank calls. Well he did one with Hard Rock Nick.


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[Assistant] So without further ado, here is the, uh, Fart Simpson prank phone call with Hard Rock Nick.


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[Assistant] Wow. Really well done. It actually just sounds like a regular Hard Rock Nick call. I don't think that sounds like a prank call at all. But really well done.


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[Assistant] That poor guy that answered is like, what the fuck? In a weird way it feels like he's handled calls like that before.


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[Assistant] Hey, why don't we take a quick moment of break here, and we'll be right back.


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[Assistant] And we are back with the stars of Corporate on Comedy Central Season 2 airs Tuesdays at 10.30pm. Jake Weissman, Matt Engabretzen. Hey. Engabretzen. Engabretzen.


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[Assistant] Have you done that thing yet where you go like, what if we did this? And then they go like, that would be like 50,000 just for that shot. And you're like, so are we doing it? Actually, yes, we have. Yea, we have.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and actually the only the people who go like, nah, I am fucking doing it or should be the ones. Yeah, that's exactly right.


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[Assistant] Yeah, okay. And then they're like, I just have it, you know, what should I do now? I'm like, I don't know, man. Like, go do your hour. And, and then, you know, the, I mean, the answer's always the same too. It's just like, we'll just get on stage. They're like, where? I'm like, I don't know, you figure it out, man. That's the thing, it's people who are...


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[Assistant] Sometimes I feel like, uh, like some of the things that feel like a long time ago, I'll stop and be like, shit, that was like five years ago. It feels like it was, I'm talking about like my teenage years or something. It's not that long ago. Right, you were 12 five years ago.


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[Assistant] Definitely over 30 million albums and he definitely has toured for 25 years. Yeah. So many hits sing- I mean just like so much income generated and they're like, post a $100,000 bond to get that jail. He's like, I don't have it.


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[Assistant] One of my friends is happier than ever and he's like, but I have zero sensitivity. And he's like, I cannot feel anything on my d- like it just-


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[Assistant] Wanna show us Josh? Josh? Josh? Do you think you could, uh, maybe relate to what's going on here, man? Josh is bleeding on the floor.


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[Assistant] I shouldn't be in this situation. I think we may have done something pretty unhealthy for Josh. No, no, no, no, don't say that. We put a call out there to like, I dare you to make Josh come.


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[Assistant] I mean, I wonder if there's anything, I mean, you guys obviously should be in a support group together, but I wonder if there's any, uhm, like anything that, that could, uh,


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[Assistant] We even threw around the idea with Josh that he's like, maybe it would happen, and again this could be very callous and not accurate, maybe he would be able to if it was like a total 10, like a smoke show.


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[Assistant] Ever since Josh told me about it, I've met at least a handful of them.


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[Assistant] They would do like a lot of like bush shots. It's tasteful. Tasteful bush.


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[Assistant] Here we go, clip one. Gentleman's leaving his house, right? Heading out.


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[Assistant] He didn't hit his head. He did not hit his head. So that's good. Jake's got back problems. He left. Yeah. Okay.


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[Assistant] I feel like that guy's sound as he hit that ground, it sounds a lot like-


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[Assistant] Well, we played the video. The video, and we analyzed it. He puts a butt plug in, and yeah. Anyway, they dropped the sponsorship.


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[Assistant] He did that. Like exactly what you're saying. Is Tosh. Really? Does he drive like just normal?


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[Assistant] I feel like, I thought, I told her as I'm turning 40, we should celebrate. All I'm asking you for is get me a chain with a medallion, lots of diamonds. So dumb. And then...


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[Assistant] That's true. Danny Brown was one of the rappers. Oh really? Yeah, he was here a few weeks ago. He was like, don't do it. I was like, what are you talking about? Oh, cause he was like, nah, he's like, I've made a lot of dumb purchases. And he said he brought like, he bought a cape for like three thousand dollars.


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[Assistant] Tell me, like, what do you spend, what's some, like, you know, not necessary expenses? Like, shit you bought. He was like, oh, like, I'll just buy, like, mulch for my yard. He's like, I invested intelligently. And then he goes, one summer we rented a house on this lake. I'm like, yeah?


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[Assistant] So that's one. Are you serious? 10 NFL seasons? He was like, I'll just order shit on Amazon. Of course it is! Tell me something reckless and stupid.


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[Assistant] It's not good to, I'm saying to make crazy purchases, but it is fun for stories. I love hearing the stories.


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[Assistant] But the worst part was like how they were saying in that documentary they were saying like on payday


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[Assistant] Uhm, cause like I guess NFL checks, at least 20, now it's probably all direct deposit, right? But it used to be like, checks! And players were saying they would go into the player parking lot, and family and friends would be waiting in the player parking lot. Like it was like, everybody's payday. Damn. Yea, that's fucked up.


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[Assistant] So I, I want, this is, I think, I don't know, it's embarrassing, but it's kinda true, we're like, I've gone into Trader Joe's, been like, I wanna get like, good wine, and just, just saw- Pour it in the trash can. No, just saw that like, all the prices are so cheap, and I'm like, do you have anything more expensive?


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[Assistant] And, uh, and then, but like, I don't know what I'm talking about with wine. Like, I'm just trying to buy a more expensive one. And they're like, well this is a great deal. I'm like, I don't want a great deal. Do you have anything like-


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[Assistant] I just saw one on 60 minutes, which is not a con, that's like the spin on it, where there's this guy who is in Michigan.


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[Assistant] And he went into a liquor store and, uh, he had just retired and found the, uh, a lottery game. I forget what it's called, like Windfall or something like that. And it was just like a math equation that he did in his head. It was like, if you get all five numbers, you win, but if you get


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[Assistant] And it just grew and grew and grew and grew. And so eventually he won a total of like 26 million. Doing this and like then getting like a pool of like getting friends.


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[Assistant] You know, FBI starts going like, Hey, this one guy has won this game like 150 times. So they launched an investigation. They're like, yeah, he just solved the math equation. Like, so there was no.


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[Assistant] He just, he just kept just, he was like, and then he goes in the air and he's like, I just can't believe nobody else can do this kind of math. He's like, it's not even hard.


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[Assistant] Yeah. He's like, it's a simple equation.


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[Assistant] I would love to not be funny. That'd be great. And then have a low pressure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you just go like, oh, I mean I do it, but. Yeah. All my bills. Yeah, yeah, it doesn't matter. My lottery covers my bills. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you are. I don't know, I just, I think because I like grew up in a house where it was such a priority, I guess, family, I always thought it was just like automated. You know what I mean? Like the only thing that kept me from like really actively pushing for kids a while ago. Your phone is dictating the time.


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[Assistant] Uhm, the only thing that kept me from doing it earlier was just that I was like broke. Uh huh. Or pushing for it.


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[Assistant] It's true, she was like, like when I was like...


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[Assistant] We were about to get married, I was like, you wanna have kids right? She was like, when? I was like, I don't know. She was like, are you out of your fucking mind?


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[Assistant] And then I, I remember like right, right after we got married, like the week after I got a call that I booked like,


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[Assistant] For me, I was like always like, oh, I'm so excited about sports. And I remember one of my friends, this is like 10 years ago, so way before I had kids.


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[Assistant] I was like, oh, you're having a son, man. Are you excited about sports? He was like, yeah, I can't wait to get him into baseball. And I go, what if he doesn't like baseball? He's like,


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[Assistant] I also feel like, you know, the older you get, even with, without kids, but with kids, I think you, you start to see, you know, young people really passionate about something that in your mind, you're like, they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. And I think the older you get, the less it stresses you out. So I'll be like,


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[Assistant] Oh, that is interesting. Yeah. Yeah. You're gonna go March? That's good. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I think I'll totally be like. Gotcha. But I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ohhh, you're gonna hear that. Totally. And everyone I talk to with kids that are older now, like teenage kids, 100% they're just like, you're lame. To their dad. And they're like, you know who's funny? And they'll always mention someone who they're like the guys.


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[Assistant] Let's just say someone super famous or someone who's like totally different. Right, yeaah. Of course. Before you guys go though, I wanted to show you a couple more hilarious clips and just get your reaction, see if you think it's funny or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's see, is there another one? Is there another one? Oh god. Okay.


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[Assistant] I remember a kid, uh, did a prank, or like his setup. I was in a, in a, like the community pool, you know? Like at a public pool. And this guy, this kid, we were both like, probably eight or nine. Uh, standing in kind of the shallow end. And he goes, what's that? And he comes up and he goes, what's on your arm?


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[Assistant] And we are back with a guy who just like a Jamaican has 11 jobs. He, he does it all. Uh, he also has a standing Tuesday appointment for a haircut. It's just like the game.


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[Assistant] You're, you're a gifted physical specimen. Sure. And in most, in reality, these guys are just larger human beings than like 99.99999%. Like, you know, an average size basketball professional is like 6'7". These are fucking giant cubes. Some of these dudes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six, ten, seven, one, two sixty to three hundred. All black. All black. And here's the thing, you're paid out of your mind, guaranteed money, you're a piece of shit that rides the bench, you get like nine million a year. At least. You know, and then the ballers are so out of control balling, they're making like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 40 million guaranteed a year, just playing, and another 40, like, you guys make out.


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[Assistant] No, that's the thing, the culture of the NBA is dope. It's run, the culture is actually, it's, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all good though. It is like you signed up for it. Here's the thing, if you marry or just are dating an NBA player, and he ends up fucking around on you, and you pretend that you're surprised, you're dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I find like in basketball, you know, win or lose, they're like, that dude's shit. I feel like there's just such an emotion attached to like a girl who's like, I'm targeting this badass and then he lost. She's like, where's the other guy?


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[Assistant] Did you have the pre-fight? Uh, there's always been that thing about sex and, you know, uh, professional-


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[Assistant] Maybe, I mean, your mom's got a mouth on her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an old saying.


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[Assistant] A haha hooker, uhm, let's see. A hooker's funny.


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[Assistant] Wait, doesn't she, uhm, wait, she works in sports, right? Used to, she's retired now, full time momma. Full time momma. Yea. But when she worked in sports, I'm sure that athletes were like- Ah, dude, I can't even imagine. What time do you wrap up? Fuckin'.


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[Assistant] Damn, dawg. You know what, this is a good time to bring this up, so...


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[Assistant] Josh Potter, who's a great comedian who works here with us on the show. He has a thing, he has a, he can't come during sex.


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[Assistant] I mean I did throw it in a few, you know, and I did not date. I just put it in hoes. But I'm saying I didn't rack up crazy numbers. Yeah. So, but now your number's pretty crazy. Oh, he's disgusting. I bet it's pretty nuts.


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[Assistant] I'm okay, yeaah. Oh yeaah. So we toured a bunch. So, yeaah. Like, but let's say this chick's like, oh I heard you have a problem, uh, you know, I'd like to help you with that problem, but I'm in Cleveland. He should be like, fucking talking about air


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[Assistant] But a girl messages you, let's say you're single, and she's like, hey, uh, Brendan, I'd love to make you come when you're in Houston. Your response is? See you March, whatever, 27th. Alright, there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a special gift. That's all good. Sean says what's up from Helium by the way? The giggle guy. We definitely, we definitely, let's, let's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, we had the whole thing about vat. Can you come in a mouth? No. Also no. It's harder than a vagina dog. What the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we do have this thing that we've been talking about where since he hasn't


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[Assistant] Uhm, but able to finish with a lady of any type. We're thinking, maybe, cause we're trying to figure out. He's gay. No, I don't think he's gay. No, it's not. I would admit to that part. I mean, I'm open enough. You know, maybe he just needs to be with like a smoke show. Like a ten. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] No. Do you know what Potter's intro is when we have him on the show to do a segment? What is it? It's this right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long have you guys known each other? I've known him for a number of years now. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got a real big kick out of this. And that was that, uhm, a few months ago, you tweeted out... A picture of my barber. Yes.


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[Assistant] You than me, Tom. He- Well, he has your... stare.


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[Assistant] That's true. Yea, no you need him to be like, 320. 320? He's up to like, he said he was just at, just under 3 right now.


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[Assistant] But that picture doesn't really even show.


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[Assistant] That's fucking cool. How about, isn't there, we have a picture of him on the phone? There's a picture of you that we got on the phone.


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[Assistant] That's the star from Born This Way. How about the, uh, oh, we do have your octagon. What about your octagon picture? There you are.


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[Assistant] You like what I got going on or? Did you do it yourself or? No. Really? You paid someone? I paid someone, yea.


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[Assistant] All I want for my birthday is this and for you not to ruin my day, you know?


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[Assistant] When's your birthday? When's your birthday, first of all? It's April 16th. Alright. So, I told her, she was like, what do you want to do for your 40th? And I was like, you know, maybe go like do a track day at the racetrack. Have friends, we go take laps. Track day? You know, like a race. Like a Porsche experience? Yea, like that kind of thing. Okay. And she was like, oooookayyy. Can I be involved? And I was like, well I'm trying to have fun.


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[Assistant] That's what happened there. There's some fluff in that for sure. Is he melting?


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[Assistant] A stocked beverage fridge feels good. If you have a variety of beverages, do you drink diet drinks?


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[Assistant] I used to drink them a lot, I drink that Zevia stuff a lot. Yea, I fucked with Zevia. But I do have a soft spot for it, especially if it's, you know, weeks or something have gone by and then somebody offers a Diet Coke, but I don't buy it for the house.


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[Assistant] Damn. If I'm at home. I'd like to stick to just, for the most part, water and coffee. Wow, that's way bro. I know. But I do like that Zevia. He drinks a lot of coffee. Me too.


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[Assistant] There was no part before the throwing up that told you that maybe that's too much? Felt great bro. Really?


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[Assistant] I think you just have a lot of different things going on too.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but that was the old one. The old one was in Coconut Grove.


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[Assistant] Better than comedy works in Denver? That's a good one. You can't compare. You can't compare. Because this is a theater. So you walk in and there'll be like a barista set up at a stand.


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[Assistant] And that you're in the green room, you're like, who's this for? Like, this is for you. What? Yeah. And then there's a full record selection with record players. I like that. There's old school arcade games.


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[Assistant] Full sofas. Wow. Yeah, it's dope, dude. Damn. It's, it's pretty unique.


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[Assistant] What's your site? tfatk.com. tfatk.com. Alright. Is there anything else to show? No? Gene?


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[Assistant] Now, tonight my spots, I have two spots, they're 8.15 and 9.30. That's perfect. One's at 10, one's at 10.30.


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[Assistant] So yea, so yea, Dr. Drew, what else? Sickler is here. Sickle cell. He starts recording in, uh, a week. Ryan. Yea. Yep. Good dude. Who else?


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[Assistant] And then he started to, you know, be like, I'll have to do some close to my place. I was like, you gotta come here. It has to be here. So, but it's like, there's no, there's no, uh, we're going to edit this out, right?


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[Assistant] So are you man. Yeah, what the fuck. Thanks man, thanks. Uhm, yeah. We're neighbors. Yeah, we're neighbors. Thank you for coming over. Yeah man, I live up the street. The big brown. We'll do it again soon, I hope. Uhm, love having you on dude, thanks so much. You guys are the best man.


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[Assistant] Brenna Shaw gave me two fucking jewelry pieces just for visiting. Christina meanwhile won't fucking buy one.


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[Assistant] How about, how about you make it convenient, like you want the thing, so could you be where my hand naturally lays? Yea. She's all like over here, I'm like well then I have to go like this. Cause I love you. So I'm like how about you just lay your head over here, so all I did was I just pushed her head and then scratched there. It's easier for you, works for you.


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[Assistant] I do, I love you, I do the same for you. No, I know, you take care of me. Yea, and all I did was, I did head scratchies, and I go, this is uncomfortable. Look at you guys. Push my head. I didn't, look, that, that is not what I did. That's dismissive.


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[Assistant] I try to do things now though, where I will, uh, you know, go and like...


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[Assistant] I want this to happen. I want that message to come in right now. I know. I want to respond to it.


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[Assistant] But for you, you're like, you also don't, you don't, you're not as on top of it as I am. Business-wise, of course, you'll just be like, yeaah, that's fine.


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[Assistant] What? Okay. You feel like that's a real issue when we're with the kids?


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[Assistant] You're also completely unreasonable because if you were in charge of my phone, there would be so much shit that slips through the cracks and doesn't get done. I'm on top of stuff. So I take care of business stuff. I know that. But then you still are someone who's like, God, you're on your phone. Yes, handling business. But when we're at home, that's my time.


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[Assistant] There's a lot of people that I have to communicate with on a regular, a lot. I know, I hear you. I mean, here there's people that I communicate with all the time. And yea, there's business people, agents, managers.


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[Assistant] That's true, you don't have to respond. You don't have to do shit. No. But there are-


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[Assistant] No, but there are things that like you also realize if I don't respond to this, I'm not gonna remember to do this.


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[Assistant] I've forgotten it before. I don't think it's healthy. At the house and been out an entire day without it. It feels nice. Yea. You don't feel tied down by it. No. But I mean, I leave it charging in rooms all the time. You know?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I'm also, I mean, more people are trying to reach me than you.


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[Assistant] That was it, and I made Bill Eggball seats. Roy Firestone sounds like Firestone. Can I tell you- Guys. Guys.


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[Assistant] If I have to, you'll just pass it over here? That's so great. You guys thought of everything at this studio. You left nothing out.


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[Assistant] Totally. I mean bands, bands who play, like when you go to see like a band at the whiskey, they all bring their own shit. They don't share the same anything, so they're like, I don't want to share that guy's mic or drums or, like they replace everything and no one cares, it's not like-


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[Assistant] When I first moved to LA, Don Barris, who does the, the, the mid, the late night, the last spot at the Comedy Store.


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[Assistant] He probably, maybe still does, he would lick the mic.


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[Assistant] Why? That is so weird that that's a huge, I mean props if that's your thing, but I tried watching one, I get uncomfortable with that kind of stuff. Oh, it made me upset man.


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[Assistant] There's this, she's actually kinda funny too, this black chick on YouTube who, she, she has really long nails and she often times will like touch.


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[Assistant] That's what she does. That's her thing. Yea, I mean, she also does, it's kinda like a podcast too, I think, like she does, she talks and talks about stuff, but she just like analyzes like a bag of Doritos, and she slowly opens it, she talks about...


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[Assistant] But someone's like, yeah, he lives next to my uncle. He's that guy, you know? He like mows with the mower that's not automatic, you know, the fuck in the way. That guy.


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[Assistant] Well, this is really funny. I joked about being a sandal salesman, but because like sandals at Old Navy are kinda like, uhm, $3? Well, not even. I think they're like 2 for 4 or something like that. They're right by the front register.


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[Assistant] But those are what goes in these shoes, so I guess I should buy those. They should make shoes that come with socks.


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[Assistant] Well, you think it's probably because of, uh, I think Old Navy's volume is probably way bigger. So they service more people than the Gap does, right? So I imagine it's because of the average human American body is a little bit bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ironically enough, they sell like great clothes. I had a guy yesterday telling me he was like, dude, he had a huge chunky watch on and I was sitting at my local bar watching.


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[Assistant] But he was like, yeah, no, usually these are, you know, whatever, 800 bucks, whatever, and I got it for 129. I mean, how does Costco do that?


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[Assistant] Wow, one, two, three. Easy. That's great. I don't know, I feel blessed now. It's going to be at your eulogy by the way. Birth of children, married, and the fart mic. That's true.


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[Assistant] I feel like, you know, if she says, hey babe, I really want you to fart in my mouth.


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[Assistant] And I would say, anything else. Pick literally anything else. Anything else. She goes, do you want me to come or not? Not anymore. Not if that's your thing.


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[Assistant] But she doesn't even look like she's getting sexual pleasure out of that. That's just a, that's just like a thing they do.


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[Assistant] It depends, you know, I did some research after doing you guys' show and there's only so many jeans that have enough, thick enough denim to protect the fire particles. There's only two made around the world. Old Navy jeans. Old Navy jeans are one of them. And then this company out of Alaska.


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[Assistant] Do you, do you have, do you have uhm, is leakage a thing? That's a big deal?


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[Assistant] You know, especially after I've been having a few drinks. Sure. Then if I shake in a pee, whatever, I still got some. And sometimes you- Yea, I have that too.


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[Assistant] This guy, two hours later, hey, maybe you called and wires got crossed, did the operator not put you through to the right plug?


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[Assistant] Just in case. Just in case you saw me already bother you before. Did he send texts as well? I'm curious.


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[Assistant] Not someone who would call every two hours bugging you. That's a good person. Cause we're on, we're on call number three. Yeah, number three. So it's five, seven thirty nine.


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[Assistant] You can't be that busy. You can't be that busy. Impossible. Decent human beings aren't busy.


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[Assistant] Right, but he saved himself at the end by just saying, just come on, call me back, or do I just need to stop this? I wonder if he calls again. Maybe, maybe this one's nicer.


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[Assistant] And three or four prostitutes. I would love to have a counter on that. That sounds like, you know, when somebody takes Spanish 101, when like a white kid takes it, and he only learns a few cuss words, and he says them over and over and over, like that's all he learns.


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[Assistant] I think he wished he could be really more attuned with what's going on in his emotions.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think, I think his last relationship ended very poorly. I think that's what really happened here. He's triumphed.


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[Assistant] That have done that to you. That have been like, you're hot, and then you're like, I'm good, and they're like, fuck you.


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[Assistant] Right, so alcohol plays a part. It's a 2 AMer. Always. But see, that's why LA closes at 2, and that happens. Places like Chicago, they never close, so you kind of just...


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[Assistant] That's crazy. I've seen that by the way. I've seen guys sleep at the bar. Put them outside. Put them in an alley or in a, you know.


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[Assistant] You want something to drink? It's 7, we started serving an hour ago. Oh my god. It's a good life. Hey, if that's all you got. Sounds like a good life.


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[Assistant] I don't, maybe not though. See, you say that, but I think like a lot of times people get so fucked up so early, they, I think a lot, most people leave the bar before 2am.


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[Assistant] Because they know it's going to close. Do you know what I mean? Like, to either go get more liquor and go to someone's house. I feel like at 2am, only on peak, maybe a Saturday night, is the bar packed when it closes. Every other night of the week it's like, you know, staggered. I feel like that's...


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[Assistant] I feel like every time I go out and I see that, if I've ever closed a bar, I look around and I'm like, we're pretty sad. There's like 15 of us sad people here. Staring at each other, the lights go on. Like, we should go home. Everyone's like, yeaah, this is a bummer. This is like a really pathetic end to our night.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they don't really have, I don't think they care because they're like, they wake up and they're like, oh, grab a pint and get some eggs and beans, you know. I don't know how you write that. You can't laugh.


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[Assistant] Can't do it. People do it and I'm so impressed, I'm gonna be honest. If I say like, oh we're going to a baseball game and I'm gonna have a couple beers, the night is called off. Whatever was gonna happen that night can't exist. It's over. Yeah, won't exist. I'll be at home. And people are like, you have to come out. Do you remember when you fucked that guy Rick in Charlotte you told me? Will you tell that story? 100%.


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[Assistant] And, uh, what happened was, is, I'm hiking during the day, and I was a little bit sad and lonely, I was getting into a big fight with my significant other, and, uh, this guy Rick, I was out of water, my camel pack had ran out of water. And, uh, Rick had, had a camel pack, had a, one of the 12 gallon, you know, the bigger ones.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. Big guy. Big guy. Real big guy. Yeaah. Kinda like, uhm, uh,


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[Assistant] Real heavy, probably like 330, 345. Wow.


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[Assistant] You know, he was a 4'10", 4'10", but 350, 365 maybe, and he shoved his- Really big guy. Yeah, big guy, shoved it right in my mouth, you know, and just, you know, made me suck, and I sucked it down, and uhm, I said, you know, I have a show tonight, I'd love you to come see me do stand-up, and he said, no chance, but you can meet me at my hotel afterwards.


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[Assistant] It was, at first it was a little daunting to be honest with you because he is a large man. Yeaah. And I just didn't, you know, there was never a discussion over top or bottom. It was pretty obvious. Yeaah. So, you know, uhm. How was recovery?


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[Assistant] Uh, it's not bad. I mean, not too bad at least. Uh, he made me an ice bath. Which, it takes so many trips to go to the hallway because of the ice machines. Yeah. Never enough ice probably. Never ever ever. Just a little baby bucket. Yeah. So we borrowed a few buckets from other people. We kind of got, it was like a communal, you know, community thing. It was like pass the bucket down.


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[Assistant] You know, he said he, he, I got a suspicious email, uhm, I have some weird suspicious email and it just said, I'm leaving and I'm going to the Netherlands. So, I think this fall is gonna be my trip to the Netherlands to try to find Rick.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it kind of is. It kind of is, you know, and in this modern age, no one really talks about, nobody really romanticizes. Every time two guys have like a gay joke in film, they're always like, you know, it's just too cheap. This was real love. This was real. Yeah, for the first time in a long time. I gotta tell ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most men. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't trust most guys after experiences like that. Oh, I bet. Yeah. So I just, you know, that, that, and that stuck with me. And I know you brought it up cause it's the podcast, but it does stings a little bit. I'm sorry. That's okay.


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[Assistant] Not at all. No, it's respectful. It's respectful because it's your house. It's your mom's house.


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[Assistant] Thank you. I'm so, I'm excited. You know, like, uh, I know this sounds like I'm pandering, but, uh, you guys are kind of


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[Assistant] I mean, there's only two or three people that really told me to kind of get into it, and you guys are kind of part of the reason that I did it. I avoided doing a podcast for a long time because I just was like, I don't know, I don't know. And I liked doing other people's podcasts, but I just didn't, I just didn't feel like I was like, I don't have anything to offer and all that shit, but you guys were kind of the part of the last thing that pushed me over the edge to do it. Honestly.


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[Assistant] I have this weird fear he's not listening. That's the weird thing, you know? And that kind of eats me alive. There could be like a cool Easter egg in every episode for Rick.


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[Assistant] Are you serious? Wait, was it pistachios, or? It was a chicken paillard pistachio mash.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I imagine it's life. It's her life. It's just, it's a reality show.


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[Assistant] Like it's, I never, that's so strange to me. When you're kind of mediocre and you fall off, like when I end up falling off, people go, yeah, yeah, okay, that's fine. But when you're like, when you're like huge and you're the thing,


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[Assistant] That's the name of, that's the name of the tour. Let's find Rick. Let's find Rick the tour. I'll go. I'm so down. I'm very down. Sorry, Lindsay Lohans. No, nothing. She, I feel, she's doing a TV show and I can't, it's just like so funny to think that


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[Assistant] Totally. There's just kids like going through a weird love struggle and I buy that. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] Uh, well there is no, there is literally no love between the, uh, the girl who has two kids from two different dads. The blonde girl with the Jamaican guy.


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[Assistant] They've never come up again. They're probably with their father so she can do this nonsense show. I gotcha. See that's why I don't believe in any of that. Also like, I think he cheated on the wedding day, which is a bold, that is a bold move. I mean if you're going-


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[Assistant] She's, she's good and the, uhm, the kid in the, that's the Vegas, that's Vegas. Yeaah, she hates Vegas. That's my favorite part, that he lives with his mom and she hates the place that they live and he lives with his mom. That poor guy, I don't even, I feel so bad for him, it's not even fun anymore.


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[Assistant] Do you know, there's like some people on the show, you're like, I don't feel bad, you trapped yourself. Like the dad that disowned his daughters, so the other girls could, it's like, dude, I don't feel bad for you. But the Vegas guy I feel sad for, because he like, he loves Vegas, he loves his mom, this girl's like, fuck Vegas, your mommy's bitch, and he's like, I love you, you're my dream girl. It's like,


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[Assistant] It's so, imagine the fights that will come from that. That the mother is like fighting with the Brazilian over what she saw she bought on their check. I mean like, couples do that, husbands and wives do that.


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[Assistant] Wow! That was way better than yours! Wow, yea, that was. Dude, are you pushing off the leather? Are you getting lift?


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[Assistant] It just sounds like a perfect bubble came out. You know, like a perfect fart bubble just brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


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[Assistant] I know, let me build. I also didn't eat like a big enough thick breakfast. I'm really mad. I was on the run this morning. But if I had a big breakfast, this is about the time that I'm letting him ride. Like I had to go pee in there before the show.


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[Assistant] Another hour and I'll have to shit. And I was kind of bummed I couldn't shit here. Cause I would have loved to christen this place with my shit. Day one. No, I mean on a personal level. I do like to make myself known and in a place that I'm new to. Like every time I go to a meeting in Hollywood, I always shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, I'm not joking. I have a cappuccino machine in my house and I make probably three or four shots of espresso. Oh wow, that's a lot.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if the meeting's at 11 o'clock, I'm up at like 8 o'clock to like do work, whatever, and I have my last sip about an hour and a half prior to getting the meeting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I can show up 10 minutes before the meeting, I can go in the lobby, awkwardly talk to the woman. Where is the bathroom? It's right here, it's in the office. Perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Third idea. We're gonna make our third product is shirts that come with sweat rings.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? Preach. Yeah. True. Every single piece of that was true. Yeah. What the fuck, bro? Why can't we find a girl to fuck?


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[Assistant] Here's what's weird, he says their life is upside down. I feel like perhaps his might be upside down? Well, I will tell you this before we play this.


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[Assistant] Is this Ted? I think so. Is this Ted? Isn't it? I imagine a Ted. I was going for something like a... Yea, he dropped, uh, he dropped...


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[Assistant] Awesome, what are you talking about? Give me two things. Give me two things that you find unattractive about him. Just two. Seriously, go. If you say no's it doesn't count. Go. Go. What's unattractive about this guy?


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[Assistant] Yeaah. So maybe we should feel bad for him. That the chest doesn't move.


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[Assistant] That might be where this anger is stemming from. This is old Legless. Legless Ted.


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[Assistant] In the shop is such a great lie. His car's been in the shop his whole life. He doesn't have a car. Never had a car. So he takes the bus and he says, how about we meet at the restaurant?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It used to be, but I can tell you this guy's chock full of good jokes, and he always tells a good joke when he gets on. This guy? Ted's pretty good at jokes. You think so? Small quick stuff, you know what I mean? Like, uh, you know, he says, you know, like when he was rolling on the bus, the first time Mike was annoyed, and he's like, come on dude, you know, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I feel like if you, so if you do, you know, you're, you get the call, you take an Uber, he takes the bus, uh, and, and he says, let's meet up, he says, let's meet up at this, um, let's meet up at a tire rack, you know, like a, to change, you know, he's got to meet there. Wait, what? That's where his brother works. The tire rack. The tire rack, yea, that's a tire exchange store. You don't want tires?


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[Assistant] Like, you dumb, you dumb bitch. What are you, a Michelin bitch?


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[Assistant] You do? That shit is tight, you dumb bitch. I love that you love that shit. Fuck yeah, dude. You wanna go to dinner, you fucking tramp?


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[Assistant] But here's the thing, he says let's go get something to eat. Where do you think he's gonna take you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I guess I'll eat later. He's like, yeah. Yeah, you will. It's fucking expensive. Dumb bitch, wanna eat food all the time? Nope, he's gotta blow out. Oh yeah. He's gotta blow out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know where I think he might take you? You know where I think he might take you? I don't know. Someone like you. Someone like you because you're prettier than the average girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, can I get the Italian? He's like, yeah, right, bitch. I'm not letting you get four kinds of fucking meat, capicola, and get out of here.


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[Assistant] Some sliced ham. You got two hand, you got two hand sandwiches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's their passion. That's always been something that him and his brother have been into.


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[Assistant] And his brother's got workin' legs though. He has nice, thick workin' legs. His brother can squat like 550. It's insane. No, his brother's derode because that's how they work in the nude.


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[Assistant] And you know what happens at the end of the night? Tom, do you know what happens? What happens? They're done curating.


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[Assistant] He's big into punctuation, I'm just letting you know that. Oh, okay. You wanna know what the big curve ball's gonna be though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, would it? Hmm, that's a new number. Open it up. Yo, what's up? Oh, shit. It's Micah, you fuckin' bitch. Ted's brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No shit, he talked about God. That's right. They're religious. They are, yeaah.


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[Assistant] In your life. In your life. And he's employed. He's a guy with a good job. That's a thing. Health insurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? That's a big leap for a guy. I think he doesn't, I think Mike is more conscious of his finances. I think because he's making a lot of money, he's been making a lot of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he sees some, some hottie blondie come through, and you know, all you bitches like the money, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get, you get cooked at home. And he makes you cook the meal for you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's got a couple hours to kill. It is. But it's just for fun. They're just joshing around. But it does give him a good gap of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you go over to Micah's house to cook. I mean, when you put it that way, it's like, is it easier to pick? Come over!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, we don't have pots and pans. Fucking stupid. Bring your own shit. Buy some shit on the way over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, but you know what? He, a lot of those people ask for it. A lot of those people ask for it. They want it, they know it. Okay, you're on a TV show called 90 Days. You have to get married in 90 Days to approve someone's visa. You're rushing this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You for no, at no moment did you step back and go, this seems a little contrived.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. No moment? Well then you ask for it. That's true. Like if you're that into it, that you don't have the self-awareness to go, this is a little crazy. Like a little weird, a little crazy, if you have none of that self-awareness, I'm cool, that's gonna, I'm fine with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because medical, you can get, they can get visas to come, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It hits me harder than it hits her. It's rough, man. Cause she's just, she's literally going down, she's smart enough, like, to have the analyzation of, like, how sad it really is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it hits home harder when we watch it, cause you're like, you're in this, you're stuck in this thing. This is like quicksand for her. She's actually not a stupid person. Which is so weird, that you're like, it's not a trick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have anything. I'm, uh, January 19th. I'll be in Bakersfield. If you're up there, come out there. And then the next weekend I'll be in D.C. Or the D.C. metro area. I got yelled at about that. It's in Arlington and people are like, that's not D.C. I'm like, I'm sorry. That's true. You fucking bitch. Arlington Draft House? Arlington Draft House, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no man, thank you. You, you killed it. And, uh, and it's funny because my, the way I got started, I was kind of the opposite. I loved movies, but I never thought in a million years that I'd have a shot at doing this kind of stuff. So me and my friends just made a movie just purely just for fun and just to have a good time and just to see if we could do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did you first make? Tell us that. We made this movie. It's called NBT, uh, Never Been Thawed. And it was a mockumentary because that's what you do when you don't have any money and you want to make a comedy. And it was about a group of people that collect frozen entrees and they're trying to put on the first frozen entree enthusiast convention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was just kind of about subculture and nonsense and, and we just did it purely for fun and it, and it kind of, oh geez. Is that it? I should not have said anything. That's me. That's it, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were supportive, but the kind of like what Tom said, my dad grew up very poor, so it was all about you gotta punch in, you gotta get a steady paycheck, all that kind of stuff. And I was like, I always wanted to do kind of what I wanted to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, but my parents were always really supportive of whatever, cause they never had that thought of like, I think they knew from an early age, he's not, this guy's not running for Senate, you know, so they were like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With that double? Remember there was the day that the double showed up because you weren't going to be able to be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember, you don't remember this? So this guy shows up who's going to be the Sigoura from behind devil because we were just going to get a shot. We're going to get a shot of Tom and Alan walking toward the house on a day when Tom wasn't going to be able to be at that set. And the guy came up to just kind of like get his wardrobe approved and you were going like, what? I don't look like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, it was, you know, after going through that process,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And being about three years into it, it was actually John who said, you know, we should do a movie about this because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had sort of a unique perspective on it, given that it is happening in my life and that so many movies that are made on the topic really just focus on the sort of tragic elements of it. But there's all these other elements of it too, that are really wonderful and you know, full of love and laughter and all of that. So we wanted to be able to kind of cover all of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but no, and it's one of the stories I like to tell about the movie that uhm, when my wife and I got into it, when you go see the movie, you'll see that the characters go to this bizarre thing called an adoption fair, which is a really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then before anything happened, uh, the social worker called and said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, that's why we have a teenager in the movie because I never forgot that girl. And then when the time came to make the movie, I really wanted to put a teenager in because those are the kids that really, you know, are misunderstood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, but yeah, my kids, so what happened in my case was shortly after that, our social worker called and said, oh, but there's these other three kids. And that's how random it was. It was just like, okay, there's these other three kids. And they were six, three and 18 months at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were so cocky, like we really thought, we thought, no, no, no, we can, we can, you know, I mean, we knew you kind of know intellectually there's a storm coming, but like, you don't, you just don't realize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and that's a great question. Nobody ever asks that question. And that's the thing is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and they're strict about that stuff. So it's like, welcome to our home, day one. Okay. And then our two younger were, you know, they didn't have to go to school, but our oldest, our son had to be like right into a new school, like that day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it was like we had to go and sign them up and then it turned out the school that was closest to our house didn't was over full. So, but the other one was like, you know, 0.2 of a mile further or whatever. And, uh, but no, it's, it was, so it was just everything immediately. It was just school and teachers and kids and it was intense. Yeah, it was intense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah. Oh, they love it. I mean, they, they don't see it because it's not, it's not a biopic about our family. They recognize specific moments that they remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they've been around for the whole thing, including when I was talking about it, when it was a script, cause I would, we'd be having dinner and I'd be, my wife and I and my kids would be trying to remember certain things and, and then they would come to set and they were in the edit bay and they've been around. It's been a cool experience for them. Yeah, it's been a really cool experience. And for your wife?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if I did a podcast, my husband, sorry, I mean, I don't know, it's your podcast. So anyway, uh, no, she just, so this has been interesting because she has been, you know, in these interviews and in certain things and she's been great about it, but she's kind of like ready to be done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, so often, you know, either I'm just with the kids and I think people just assume that my wife is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they talked about that a lot, and people get really jumpy about that, about like, well, what are, what are people gonna say, and how are people, you know? And we, we had that moment of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How are people going to perceive this as far as us being the white family and all of that kind of stuff? But we didn't have any worry at all about like, oh no, people are going to know our kids are adopted. I don't care if they know our kids are adopted. I mean, and that's, I think part of it is that people are,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. She deserves it. Now, uhm, so this is what I, okay, are you ready to go? Oh, before we do that, the other thing that I just wanted to give you credit for, because you're the only person that said this, uhm, when you guys came to see the movie afterwards, when we were talking afterwards, you said that you loved that Pete and Ellie, who are played by Mark Wahlberg and Rose Byrne,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For my wife and I, we, you kind of, you have to kind of stick together a little bit in that situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are going to tell you your whole life that relationships are hard. Yeah. And she said, it's not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're talking about there's gotta be some way back to the easy, quiet life that we had before. And my wife and I very much had that conversation. I'm not proud of it, but what I've found and I've been screening the movie for groups all across the country, it's really funny when you show it to regular general audiences, they sort of gasp at that scene and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, you know that when my wife and I, when we went to that adoption fair, we also met five girls that were between two and like 12. And I just, I just was watching these kids going like, Oh my God, nobody, five kids. And my wife was like, there's no way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so uhm, but it made it, it was like swinging five bats on the on deck circle, you know, in the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it was like, you know, then after talking about five or talking about a teenager, all of a sudden three younger kids seemed a little more manageable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Anyways. We had this thing where, where we always have these meetings, like we'll have dinner and be like, okay, it's going to be like family meeting night. We're going to, you know, talk about whatever we need to talk about. And my kid said to me at one point, you shout too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I know I shout, I hate shouting, but you guys won't listen to any, to one syllable that I say until I start shouting at you. And then all of a sudden you're like all ears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But up until then. So then I said, how about this? How about I say, I'm about to shout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you hear I'm about to shout, just take that as I'm already shouting and then, and then listen to me and look at me.