[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I don't know. Well maybe it was, I don't know, I guess I wasn't looking, but I- Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I assumed a thumb. That's what I would have done. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he go like, did he go? You have Mountain Dew this morning? Did he take his nails and gently prod behind? Right in between my shoulder blades. Uh huh. He bunched up my shirt and twisted it. And I was like, ooh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you can, you can do whatever. You just have to shave everything. Everything. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does it, how does it start? Like what does he do? He licks it first. It looks like the opening scene of a, but there's two ladies in there. Right. And then, uh, they strap you down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do numb you, they shoot you in the, in the vas with the local. The vas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you had to sit on a bag of peas and I didn't lift anything for the weekend, but otherwise that's, that's it. And then how many jacks do you have to jack for? I think I had to bring in three samples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me, it was, I mean, your kids are little. Yeah. So if you have, if you start over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine four years left on your prison sentence and then you shiv somebody in the yard and they're like, you're here forever now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that's, that's how I think about it. That is, I mean if, what if you got someone, yeah, so now you can't get someone pregnant. I sure can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you got, you tested that a few times? Uh huh. And I've, I've called in and I go, so do I need to test this like every six months?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not road beef, it's just me, uh, needing an excuse to jerk off and feeling whole about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I just tell you, you just blew my mind because I burped and kept it in my throat and then you burped and the noise came through and I was like, did I just fucking do that? That was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No weird kinks? It's almost the opposite of that, where, you know, something will be on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching, uh, uh, two Russians one time, or excuse me, two Germans one time. And, uh, I was all ready to go. Everything locked and loaded. And, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one of the ladies looks at the other one and goes, Sucks his tits, you bitch. And I couldn't stop laughing. And I just was like, well, this is done. Yea, I wish we had that audio for this show. Sucks his tits, you bitch, it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe not. Well again, I told you, they're all married and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well thank you, that's really, that's nice. Yep. Get that going for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh hey! No, did you see that other guy walking out? Wow, what a jerk, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think once you get through the first couple, then it makes it easier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not? I don't know what it is, I think, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, probably. Like something like, uh, you ever get jumper cables where they come in and just both sides of your ribs? Yeah. That happened once. She thought it was going to be so funny. And I just all over her. And that was actually, then I'm like, well, thank you for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They love it. Now if you can handle the smell of your own farts, I'm sure there are guys that would love to suck it into their mouth, come up and then blow it back in your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Real PIG. I think you'll find out that, uh, you know, if the guy's into you, you can fart whenever. It doesn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went with a three because in my professional life I have to plan things a year in advance and in my personal life I don't know what's happening tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you have to understand, I live in a place where if comedy doesn't pan out, that's what I tell people. When they're not laughing, I go, do you think this fucking matters?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, money's great, but I'm just saying like where I live, I don't need a lot of it. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To feel normal. To get to get to normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a steep hill, and they're, they have a, uh, In the city. They have an escalator, that's how steep the hill is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. So everyone's on this escalator cause there's a top over it and it's raining. Fuck. And with all the soot in the air, it comes down with the rain and made it very greasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking to a taxi trying to negotiate to get back across the bay to our hotel, he pulls his head out the window, looks at me and he goes, what the fuck? And then back in negotiating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she almost fucking murdered me in my sleep. But you know what? Don't be an asshole all week. Yeah, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. She, I mean, she screamed. She didn't come tell me. She sat above her bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That actually reminded me of the brush thing. My daughter has pulled all the hair out of her brush and then packed it in my suitcase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why people cheat. Right here. This kind of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it'd be great if this was on her Instagram, and then the next thing you clicked on was, this is a story all about how my wife got sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, when people take that tone, because you know they're lying and they don't believe themselves, right? Yeah. Ohhhh. You guys are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, this isn't for everybody. So you have two options, right? I can go home and be like, I fucking did everything for you. Or you can find a desert and be like, I've put everything on the line for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely fantastic. Yeah. Cause he's saying, I'm going to get this fit. Like, you know, the big strategy behind it. Yeah. And then all of a sudden attack mode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have the worst posture and all of a sudden I was like, what? Like I'm in the military. Trying to watch that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but do you laugh at like things like that? Absolutely. You do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you heard that shit crunch. That was coming fast. That was coming really fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if you jump out of a plane and something bad happens to you, then that should be, oh here comes another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I peek behind the door just because my friends are like, what are you doing? I'm like, well, it's not gonna be so funny when you get butt fucked in here, but I'm not going to. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love how no one's just an asshole anymore. I know, right? It's always like prefacing it. It's like Patrick Ewing. Well, my finger hurts just in case I don't have a great game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a kind of Wisconsin-y cadence, right? Well, I don't know. I think it's more, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds more Amish. You think so? Yeah, like a Philadelphia, like a Pennsylvania. Oh, I thought it was more Midwest. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a sign of distress. When you raise the flag upside down. Is that right? It's a sign of distress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember the movie? Maybe something to do with Castle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, okay. Maybe it was just the castle, but it was also the guy from Sopranos. James Gandolfini? Yea, who was the prison warden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. Anyways, so I wanna go back here. This guy has a manager.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That funds another company, but yea, and then he goes, but my dad's daycare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seems weird that that kind of guy would have a hammer hanging on his wall. Right by the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I think it's right on the back of the seat. That's probably what's going on. When people sit back too far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My grandma had dementia and I'd always go eat dinner with her when I was in town. And I was at a retirement center. In Minnesota? Yea. And so she would, uh, we ate one day and then they cleared the plates and she goes, when are we gonna eat? And I go, don't you feel full? I mean, can't you, like, you know, I try to understand, but for me I'm like, we just fucking ate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I go, we'll try to remember what you ate. Do you have any idea? And she was like, I don't, but I, I trust you. And then we went and watched Texer, Texas Walker ranger or whatever that's called. Yeah. Walker Texas. Yeah. And, uh, about 10 minutes later, she goes, and she looked at me and she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Parents? I'm wiped out. Yeah, my mom. Your mom. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Two fucking miles away. Really? I'm more than that, but not as much as I probably should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But she's retiring October 26th, so she said, I'll be over for coffee every morning. And I was like, great, I'm moving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your mom, what is she retiring from? Uh, she is, uh, like the marketing receptionist for a power company. Okay. Yeah. So she's just ready to get the fuck out. Is she super stoked? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, uh, so she listens to that around the house. It'll be like, do the dishes, vacuum, the flour, like all that stuff. And then she plays her ukulele and she'll play...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like where's my mind or something by the- Oh, that's cool. Yeah. So it's like, where are you learning this? Well, we share iTunes and it's all your stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so she gets to- So she learns it on ukulele, but the music she listens to is ridiculous. I have a question. How long ago did you stop recording?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds like someone's laughing in the background, a female.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm worried. Well I wish, I wish them both the best of luck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too. I like them. Why don't you have them come here and live with you guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can tell you anything about me because I've had LifeLock since I was, since it came out. Uh huh. Because my dad stole my identity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I was like, well, if he's gonna do it, maybe a stranger will. He just, uh, I don't know, he, he needed, uh, so he went to prison for check fraud, all sorts of stuff. Prison? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he went to prison and then, uh, then he took off to Las Vegas. He actually,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I bought a car, there was something wrong with the engine, they gave me a replacement car to drive, then my dad made copies of the keys and when I got my car back, had me drive him to the dealership, stole that car, and drove it to Las Vegas. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yeah, and my mom, I couldn't tell my mom any of that stuff, so she was like, I just want you kids to know it's not your fault, and I was like, well...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda. No shit. How old were you? I was, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a fucking lunatic. You did. Yeah. So if he's going to LA, he's like, I'm going to Las Vegas. Like great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think I go from the opposite. I know what not to do. Right. Does that make sense? Yeaah. So I'm not always doing the right thing, but I was given a checklist of what not to do at the beginning. Right. So that helps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I looked at their birth certificate and I thought, well, I'm never going to take this social security number and use it to my advantage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I tried to get a phone and I tried to get, fuck, I went to get a car, and the guy, uh, for financing, and the guy was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, it says here you owe $40,000 in child support on your credit report. And I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had, when I went through my divorce, I saw a therapist and a minister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It helped a ton. Because they have, you know-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, well why do I think this and why do I think this? And then he draws a little diagram and you're like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought I was a crazy person and I didn't want to be near my kids because it might hurt them. No, that's not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you, how long did you see them for? I probably saw, uh, all of a sudden done probably two years. Wow, that's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. I feel much better. I do. And then sometimes I go, now I'll go like once every four months because I'll be like, ah, I'm fucking this, this thing sucks. Better call that guy. And then I can't get in for 10 days. And then I get there and I'm like, it's all fixed. So you want to grab lunch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and their website. Okay, ChadDaniels.com. All my live dates are till March. Okay. On there, so you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything he's put out is amazing. Check out his album specials. He's so funny, you guys. Really check him out. I mean, couldn't you tell from what I was saying today? Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I thought this would be sort of a public service for you, Christina. Oh, thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom's gonna murder you probably at some point. That's like a possibility.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well today we can compare him to some past serial killers. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we can see some similarities perhaps, maybe some differences, maybe you'll be made


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Josh, who should I pull up first? Maybe you're familiar with some of them, maybe you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well let's start with good old, this is recent by the way, Robert Picton. Okay. AKA the pig farmer killer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost a hundred that would agree with you. Holy shit. That many? What? Well, pork chop rob here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you guess that he's a millionaire? Really? What? He's a millionaire. Which is the most fascinating aspect. Is it farming? Well, yes, it's from owning a farm. His parents had owned this farm for a hundred years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they bought it for 13 grand in like 1963 and then in 1994 he found out the farm was worth 7.2 million dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In fact he did. He, uh, made a non-for-profit organization out of his farm called the Piggy Palace Good Times place and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a society that would hold events and parties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, ladies of the night, sex workers in particular. And when you would hold these parties, of course it would attract those people, they would come and do drugs and drink, and then he would...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so eventually one of the workers of the farm kind of noticed, you know, all these women that are coming around here seem to go missing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So something's up and, uh, eventually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, an investigation was held. This investigation was so thorough, they called it the ground zero of Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they had to bring in heavy machinery, excavators.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is because he would feed the women and their remains to the pigs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, he would take the pigs,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And make bacon and things and sell it to the public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well we have some clips here. So they convicted him of 27 murders. That's a lot. Right. In this clip, he adds to the number a little bit. Uh oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in a jail cell and his cellmate has been undercover for months, embedding himself in order to get a confession out of him. Cause like I said, this investigation at the farm, so thorough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also not really raising a lot of answers. They're spending millions of dollars to investigate. And so they need this guy to get a confession out of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, he got sloppy at the end, and he's lamenting in that fact. He's saying, you know, I, if I woulda...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kept my shit right and tight, I would have fucking murdered more bitches, you know? Yeah. And the officer is saying...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, oh, that's fucked up and stuff, you know. He's not doing a real good job, the officer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, get that 50, get that big 50 spot, half a hundred. Yes, gotta be a thrill to do this. Alright, here's, let's see this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right officer. That is math, that's good math.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he's just like, man, I'm a real cool dude. I could have got 50. He's trying to talk to the officer like he's one of his. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a theme that will carry on through all this, by the way, is uh, injecting women with, I didn't, you know, you wonder, how do they kill them? Do they strangle them, stab them and stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turns out a lot of them were just injecting things like antifreeze into their veins or Windex was used often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't really know what you're saying. Well, what's happened, like I said, he was convicted of 27 murders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's saying like, that's why- Here he's admitting, he's like, that's why, you know, I, I killed way more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, wow. So now they're going after him for even, well, he's dead. He got- He died? He died? He died. He died naturally? Or did somebody kill him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice age. Hey. And I'll have you know that, uh, farm is being made to a children's park now. Is that right? Is it really? Yea. Seriously? What a morbid thing to do, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hope somebody injected him with Windex. He probably died of, uh, some cardiovascular thing eating all that pork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Actually, it doesn't show that he's dead. Oh, okay, so he's not dead. He's not dead. He could very well be living, I mean this again happened, he was put in jail ten years ago. You know it's not fair though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, rehabilitation? I've been saying that for so long that the prison system does not rehab criminals enough. This guy's just a lost cause?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Right, to set up a non-for-profit to hold parties to get-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, good on him for having that shithole farm and getting a bunch of hookers to come hang out. That's true. I mean, he was getting laid a lot, you know? So I mean, maybe not take it as far as murdering them, but he was definitely getting his dick kicked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guy's a smart guy, can't take that away from him. Uhm, who we have next? These ones, like I said, you might remember this from your childhood. Cause these dudes were chilling in LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no. These are the hillside stranglers. Are you aware of them? Look at those two cool dudes. God damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys, actually they did all their dastardly deeds here in LA. But they're from where I live, Western New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a real, that guy, I mean, they're both real pieces of shit. But the guy on the right, uh, he's described as a, or self-described as a world-renowned car upholster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta get out of here, I gotta find a new life. So he hooks up with his cousin Angelo there who lives in L.A. and who's, uh, a real to-do out here, a real mover and shaker, you know, repolstering cars. He's a real ladies man, apparently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so when they arrived, they started, you know, hanging out together. They decide, you know, since Angela's such a ladies man, why don't we prostitute women? Oh, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I feel like I have the right frame of mind, I don't get jealous, I wouldn't like bother with their income.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. And into what your point is, no one really gives a shit about the sex workers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't sure if that's what that meant or if it was like a short bus or something. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] R.T.D. But yes, they found them, uh, they got off a stop there last they were seen, and then they were getting into a car driven by one of these dudes, and, uh, that was the end of them. That's when people started, uh, sniffing up kids, though. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. But to them, it was almost the same thing. These guys were the typical guys that, like, once their pimping business re-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they started cruising around in their car, posing as undercover police officers. That's how they would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got caught because they were just sloppy. They were littering these bodies about no one really connected the dots until they murdered those two non-sex workers. And then they were kind of like, huh, this is similar to this and this and this. And then through their, one of their, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Attempted victims, what was this chick's name? Uh, it was the daughter of an actor. It's uh, her name is Catherine Lor Baker, it's Peter Lor's daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they attempted to kill her, and they abducted her and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, also, now I'll have you know, I know this is a running theme, these two fellas had their own ride or die. An FTDRTD? Yes. Really? Victoria Compton's her name, there she is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once they were captured and they were in jail and on trial, she attempted to lure and, uh, kill a woman in a motel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she got ca- like it was an att- she fucked it all up and then got, got caught for it. It was an attempt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dude who shot up Aurora movie theater was like, chicks were sending him nudes and stuff in prison. Oh yea, Manson also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, whose jizz would you plant on a person if you were gonna frame them for murder? Who's evil? You'd have to extract the jizz too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has a fucked up life. Okay. He was born into a terrible home. His mother was an alcoholic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy even got married, had kids, had six fucking kids, and it's noted that he never


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] was known to attack or abuse his own children, but he would have them and their friends


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slap his ass with that little guy right there. With nails coming through it? Yes. And that is not even...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Hey, why don't you get your friend Bill to come over and slap dad's ass with the fucking... With the nail pad!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit. This guy also enjoyed a little activity. Now I don't know if you've seen Tom doing this or caught him doing it. It's probably a red flag, but this guy liked to put rose stems up his urethra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, this guy right here is a pioneer by the way. He's like a G-O-D in the bod modification community.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, yeaah, he has like, I have noted there are five aspects of body modification that people do for like enjoyment today that this guy was all about. Like play piercing, for instance. This guy used to insert sewing needles under his fingernails as a game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not only that, when he was dead, when he died, they found 29 sewing needles in his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, pelvis, that he would insert through, uh, let's see if I get this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The x-ray of his pelvis with all those needles in it. That was so dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an audio dramatization of a letter that he wrote. This is how he got caught.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Albert's like toward the end of his life, right? He's been doing all this shit. He's into all this like, uh, torture and everything like that. He loves all that crap. So what he decides now, he reads an ad in a paper where an 18 year old gentleman


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so he shows up there and he meets the guy thinking I'm gonna murder this guy, but then he meets his little sister and is like, nope, I'm eating her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then he like, tells him like, I'll come back and let you know about the job. I'll be back here in a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we'll talk about it. So he comes back and he goes, you know what? It's my niece's birthday. You mind if I take grace to the party?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, yeah, go ahead, creepy old man. What? And they let him do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they never saw her again. And then years later, after, you know, she's been missing, I mean, they assume she's dead probably, you know, but they don't know, have any answers. He sends them this anonymous letter, uh, which I gave you a dramatic reading of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm gonna be at, uh, Helium in Buffalo, New York, uh, for New Year's Eve with Rich Voss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think he has animals, multiple? Any cats that piss everywhere?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horny, bored housewives are waiting for you. Watch these bitches biennially destroy big, black cocks. How do they do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no reason for me to read the title of the piece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome Lou by Lou. Hey Lou, these chicks will do anything for a buck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[Assistant] What these sluts won't do, facial cum shots and our famous cum shake. Yes, that's right. I want it.


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[Assistant] The first thing I did when I saw the flames was grab my Fendi clutch and my Alexander McQueen stiletto pumps.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's great! Did you get it?


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[Assistant] No, the info is correct. The graphic is still season 2. I was just talking shit. There's no way to say this.


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[Assistant] How the fuck did all of this, well we're stand-up, something so pure, and I'm not shitting on them specifically, I'm just saying the system, it's rigged. I'm a big believer in just like,


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[Assistant] Special, I guess, but you don't want to become your pr- do you? No. Would you want one of your farts to remind you of the trap, the meat puppet that you inherited from those two lunatics?


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[Assistant] The minimum. That's what I mean. And actually I take it back, it doesn't mean you don't care, it just means like sometimes it's fun to just talk to somebody without knowing where they're from. Yeah, I like to discover.


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[Assistant] I'm from Boston. I look Canadian though, don't I?


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[Assistant] You haven't heard of it. It's called Gordon College, which sounds like my parents hired a wise old man in Gordon to teach me for a summer. And how did you end up at Gordon?


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[Assistant] I was just scared. It was like a play of being scared. I was a church kid and then I was like, uh, really.


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[Assistant] Almost to this day still frightened of large universities, like guys playing ookie cookie and lacrosse sticks and like blacked out drunk. That's what I think schools are. They're not. So, but like in high school, you're like, I, you already know, like I don't want to be.


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[Assistant] Near that. It was either don't go to college and just like go right into like youth ministry or go to a college where you could, my mom actually was like, you're going to miss out on like a social.


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[Assistant] More than the academics, you're gonna enjoy it. And I did, and that's where I like discovered, uh, with more depth that I wanted to do comedy and stuff.


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[Assistant] It is amazing. Sometimes when I smoke pot, it helps me get into that place. Really? Cause unfortunately, it's not fortunate or unfortunate, it just is what it is.


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[Assistant] Sometimes you're just so busy in the thing that it's hard to get that outside of your self perspective. And I think that's one of the gifts.


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[Assistant] One of our greatest plant allies. It's true. You smoke it and you don't feel like Pete anymore. It takes it off the shelf. Exactly. Yeah. Or it puts it on the shelf. Right. You take all of yourself and you go like, Oh fuck. And you get in touch.


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[Assistant] You know, some people practice gratitude practice, very healthy for you. I like to talk to like 10 year old me and tell him like, you did it! We became...


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[Assistant] Forget the show, you can just be like, we're comedians! We did it! Like we can go to the comedy store tonight!


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[Assistant] And it's funny. It's always funny. It's never like, I did it. Yeaah, suck my dick. Like talking to people in high school that called you the F word or whatever. It's more like hilarious. You realize these things happen.


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[Assistant] Rob Riggle when I had my baby. Maybe it was you too, pulled me aside and was just like, just so you know.


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[Assistant] No one gives a fuck about your baby. So we'll keep this brief, especially in LA. This is the town with special babies. We're all special babies driving our


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[Assistant] It's not good for me. It's not good for anybody. It doesn't matter who you are. I'm sure Jon Hamm comes home from that party and is like, why am I depressed? I know why, Hamm.


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[Assistant] Now I see you as a very powerful position. It doesn't just mean you're the audience. It means you have the quality of empathy that you can understand and appreciate someone else. Really the look at me is they're the lunatics, but that's a room full of look at me and you go home with that sort of weird hollow feeling. So then it got worse.


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[Assistant] When I had the baby, or better, if it's a good thing it got better. And you start going like, I don't, I don't really.


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[Assistant] While you can remain grateful that you're even kind of in this, this industry and it is very fun. You look at your baby and you're just like, what?


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[Assistant] She's there, she's rockin'. She doesn't know who she is. She doesn't have any goals. She's just like a lump of beingness. And she's blissin' out and you just wanna hang out with her.


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[Assistant] But like, it's a bit of a sickness. I would try to meet Samuel L. Jackson too. He was right there. Did you meet him? I didn't go out of my way. Yea, I went in there. And you know what I did? He was very sweet. It was him and two other people, probably a stylist and maybe a publicist.


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[Assistant] You've changed, Sammy. Uh, so I went in and my wife was there and my makeup person wanted to meet him as well, so we're all in there. And I just go, uh, I'm so sorry to bother you, just want to say I'm a huge fan of your legend. Would you mind doing a photo with us? And he was like, sure.


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[Assistant] No, what you do is you ask the producer, does he mind if I come by? And they say...


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[Assistant] One of the other guests on the show wants to say hello typically. You hope they do. But really he doesn't care. You know what I mean? It's like my baby in LA. He doesn't care. He just wants to get it done. Although he didn't have that feeling. But then I made the mistake. I took my phone out and I handed it sort of presumptuously to I think his stylist and she looked at me like I was handing her.


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[Assistant] The first late night I did was Jimmy Fallon, uh, way back before he had the Tonight Show, like the first one he did. Which I remember my manager being like, you do it when it's a new show, they'll remember you when they're a big show. Now they fucking won't.


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[Assistant] Who cares? I'm not saying he should care, I'm saying that's a preposterous logic. So I did it and I was so thrilled my first late night and Green Day, which was one of my favorite, still is one of my favorite bands, but definitely back then was one of my favorite bands, was the group. And I did my stand up and then they played and I was like, I wonder, I wonder.


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[Assistant] Ham, you're the king. Ham's the man. Ham's the man. I love Ham. Anyway, uh, Brian Regan did a shitty stat at a corporate show cause it was just terrible and somebody afterwards came up and was like, so what do you do for a living?


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[Assistant] And in that moment, if you're Brian Regan, I bet you're making at least $250,000. You want to be like, I just made 250k. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] That's what I- if there's ever a moment that's appropriate, because we know- oh god. Jesus. Zankoo chicken. You know what I mean? It's not-


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[Assistant] It's not the farting that bothers me. It's that we're doing bits, we're telling stories. The only time I hear Nadav fucking laugh is when you rip one.


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[Assistant] Hilarious. Are you going to sell that microphone on eBay? Eventually, but it's going to be a six figure starting bid for sure. In Japan, you'd be able to buy a fart microphone in a vending machine. Ramen, used panties, fart microphone.


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[Assistant] It's not, you can, you know what I mean? You can chance the rapper this shit.


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[Assistant] Like, you're at the store, you're at the store, Delia's at the store, you know what I mean? If you're getting even those early guys that get like the open spots, like the newer guys still have access to the same people. That's true. Be funny, don't be a dick.


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[Assistant] Talk to people that you could get on some shows without someone being like, look, I know, like who the fuck, who cares? That's true. The different worlds.


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[Assistant] Right. And then the access sort of comes in, in pars- like connected to being really funny. That's why Ray Romano wrote this intro to a book that I love.


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[Assistant] He said, uh, it's the best anti-intro. It's like an intro that negates the need to read the book. He's basically saying in code, like, don't read this book, just be fun.


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[Assistant] Right. And like what, what Burr told me when I was starting out, which was really helpful was like, don't be a dick and be funny. Those two things together, really great combo. Really, really great combo. If you want to like, you know, what do you need? What do you need to do these days? Get a couple of people to like you and then they help you.


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[Assistant] If I, if I had a new comic that I loved, you'd be like, Tom, check this guy out, whether you did or not, but you do it five times, one of them at my work. That's true. And that's one of the things, I'm not just saying this to promote the show, it's one of the things scratching is about, smashing. Yeah. On Showtime.


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[Assistant] We get a lot of, sometimes I get shit where people are like, do comics help each other? Like, they call bullshit on the idea that comics help each other. And I'm like, if you're a comic, and the people around you aren't helpful, or at least open people,


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[Assistant] Absolutely. And, and you know, that's, that, that spirit continues. I still see that. When, when my wife in real life, so Christian college, gonna be a youth pastor, end up getting married when I was 22. My wife leaves me when I was 28. When people call me a cuck online, I'm like, literally true. I am a cuckold.


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[Assistant] After I- I needed the community, I needed the friends. And Mulaney and Kroll, uh, were like really sweet, dear people to meet TJ. Really, really- Kumail. And you're- but you're like new.


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[Assistant] I was a little bit more established by the time she had left me. I had been on TV and stuff. You had. But that's not like a great.


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[Assistant] You know. I was submitting too. I used to submit and I get in and all that stuff. People used to talk about it like if you go your whole life.


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[Assistant] Sounds like torture. Yeah, horrible. They're like, you can do 28 schools in Iowa tomorrow and we'll string them together so you're on the road for six months and you'll come back with $5800,000.


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[Assistant] Like growing up? I took it, I took it harder than my parents did. Really? Yeah, yeah. That's unique. My father, to this day, ends phone calls with me by saying, keep in touch with yourself, and uh, don't let your meat loaf. He loves saying those two phrases, which are both like, jerk off, be sure to make sure you're having lots of sex with yourself.


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[Assistant] Sweet grown-ups, you know what I mean? My household was pretty tumultuous. Not like horrible, but your shit is your shit. My parents didn't like each other and they were fighting a lot and stuff. So then you go to church and like the nicest grown-ups you know, like these new like father figures or mother figures are like wearing nice suits and giving you cookies and then they're just like


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[Assistant] You know, uh, don't you want to go to heaven? And you're like, yeah. So like, I, I, you know, if it's a hook, the hook was put in me way deeper. My brother was older.


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[Assistant] So he was just like, he was already having sex and doing drugs and stuff and he was just like, oof, this fucking sex. So like, it just like took to me. Was he like, Pete, what the fuck is wrong with you? He kind of regrets that actually. Cause on Crashing, like, my character talks about real things like worrying that Jesus was gonna come back.


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[Assistant] Because you know, a Christian belief is that Jesus is coming back at some point, the second coming. And I used to worry that


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[Assistant] Jesus would return while I was masturbating which obviously is funny.


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[Assistant] But it's not really funny. If you think about it, it's not really funny. Like you're masturbating, so you have this like irrepressible urge, and it's totally normal. Not only are you kind of like guilty about it, but you're also worried that Jesus might come out on a golden sheep, like the carcass part, and just like, I'm here to take you home.


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[Assistant] He feels like I was abused and he was just like, I didn't know my little brother was in the bedroom next door, like thinking he was going to hell. Scared that he masturbates and goes to hell. Yeah, but I actually think it's, I, drop, drop.


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[Assistant] My father, my mom and my dad were Catholic and they gave me a little bit of that Catholic guilt. I think that's why, I'm not to say I'm grateful for it, but like, it almost makes us funnier. That's one of the things that we deal with on Crashing as well is like, Artie obviously, Artie is like,


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[Assistant] He's got a lot of demons and he's so funny. Yeah, he's so funny. And like we had a line, we ended up cutting it, but he was like, he was like, now you're my wife left me funny.


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[Assistant] You could, you could, and a lot of us do, and my heart breaks, is you can fold into yourself. Yeaah. We're all in this together, and that's one of the reasons the show is called Crashing, not to make this too after school specially, I'm just saying,


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[Assistant] The idea of crashing is if you're trying to be a comedian or doing anything that's different or interesting or in your heart to do, it's a dream. If it sucks, Marina Franklin says this to my character in the first season, she goes, if it sucks, that's how you know you're doing it right.


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[Assistant] Good, because when I met, like, I would be barking and fucking Demetri Martin would come by and be like, I barked for the Boston too. And you're just like, it might as well have been cocaine. He might as well have given me cocaine. Cause I was just like, my feet weren't touching the ground for the rest of the day. When Jim Gaffigan told me, I started the Boston, and I play still a shithole, and you're like,


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[Assistant] Just that little moment. Just a little moment of grace. And that sort of stuff would happen all the time. And that's kind of one of the things. Obviously we wanted the show to be super funny and interesting. But there is something in there that's hopeful. And it doesn't have to be a comedian.


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[Assistant] I think comedian is a great catch all for like a dream because it just means you want who you are to be accepted. Architects also want their thoughts to be accepted, but we have the added benefit that we can be really proud of.


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[Assistant] I can't, I can't, whenever we tweet a preview or something, uh, of crashing like a 15 second thing, and he's in it. He's in the 15 second preview. All my Twitter's just clogged with these loyal fans that are just like, where's Artie? More Artie. More fucking Artie. This show sucks except for Artie.


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[Assistant] And they love him. And it's hard not to love him, but he's so, so, so funny. He riffs so many of the great things he said. I think one of the reasons the show got picked up was because Artie riffed this whole monologue in the scene where he's just talking about


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[Assistant] I told him, I've never been more sure in my life than addiction, that addiction is a disease. You know what I mean? It's not. I know, I know you know that, but then you're like, oh, nobody wants to stop more than already.


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[Assistant] You know, that's interesting. Compared to some, not great. Compared to most, pretty great.


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[Assistant] Like, whether, would this be funny to college or HP? Oh, I can help out. Season 3 of Crashing is about my character joining the Christian comedy tour. Which is something that I've done. Oh, cool. You did? Christian comedy show. Stop it. And yeaah, it's an interesting, once I've gotten in trouble for saying SOB, which isn't a swear, it's an acronym representing a swear. For a swear.


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[Assistant] It just sort of breaks my heart that there is Christian music, that there is Christian comedy, that we, that, because as somebody that used to be in that world, it just hurts me that we're like, we're not in it, like we're not feeling what you guys are feeling, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] And I don't think that's really much up for debate. That's not the message of Christ. Authenticity and realness and truth and light is like the fucking point. So when I see us going like, well,


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[Assistant] A lot of times Christian, and this maybe is better before I do this, we're trying to represent holiness. Like I think if you are holy, like if you connect into the infinite consciousness that erupted into the big bang and made everything, if you can get into that feeling of oneness, chances are you probably are pretty equanimous, gentle, nice.


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[Assistant] Oh, I see the fruit of the inner transformation, so I'll pretend that-


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[Assistant] It's cart before the horse. And I sympathize. I'm not saying Christians are a bunch of phony holy people. I'm saying when I was in that church, I felt it and saw the need to do it because there wasn't


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[Assistant] Land. There wasn't freedom. There wasn't room.


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[Assistant] They might say like, your doubts are welcome. No, they're fucking not. They're not. And neither is like my alcoholism, or my drug addiction, or my porn addiction. It's not. We all like, you know when youth bastards would take, back in the day before the internet, would go for a conference, they'd take over a whole, like a holiday inn, the porn,


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[Assistant] Like ordering, back when you had to order porn. We'd go through the roof. Like, times ten. Of course! Because there were, like, this very, I think, juicy, exciting,


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[Assistant] Electric, alive idea that Jesus was representing got turned into don't jerk off. And you know what happens when you do that?


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[Assistant] Porn rates go through the roof when you finally have a weekend away from Helen, your frigid wife. You know what I'm saying? It sucks that we've lost the narrative. I didn't come here to preach, but anyway, when we say there's Christian comedy, it breaks my heart. Cause I think Bill Burr is doing


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[Assistant] This is what it's fucking like to be a human. It heals us. It gives us solidarity. It makes us feel less alone. That's so much better than going up and being like, you know, Bathsheba was on the roof. Do you think King David?


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[Assistant] You just yeaah. I'm sure I did. I don't know actually. Well tell us if these are good jokes. And by the way, my heart is open to this man. Okay.


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[Assistant] When I went to Disneyland, and they were, when you were waiting in line for like the Monsters Inc ride, they were like, write a joke and they'll put it up on the screen. And I was like, uh, the joke that I wanted to be on the screen, and I'm like, I'm a professional comedian, I can do that. The joke that I wrote was, what do, uh,


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[Assistant] What is Mickey Mouse? What happens when Mickey Mouse cries? Or what does Mickey Mouse cry? Mouseketeers.


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[Assistant] It doesn't sound like photograph. I'm out. And car painter is not what we say.


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[Assistant] Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. Why did Noah have to punish in discipline?


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[Assistant] I feel like discipline is a clue. Alright, the chickens on the ark.


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[Assistant] It's not terrible. That one's at least not terrible. It's not terrible, but that laugh is so big. But I do, yes, that's a big laugh.


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[Assistant] But what's going on here, just one more little dip into the Pete preaching pool, is like, what are we saying about a faith for grown, intellectual, interesting people when the jokes that we can appreciate are baby jokes?


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[Assistant] I just did a show, Shane Moss has a show with scientists where he was like, uh,


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[Assistant] It's like usually too slow. Actually, one of the things we learned is if you're going to fake a laugh, speed it up.


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[Assistant] And these fucking, as Kurt Metzger said, these boiled hams. They're so white, they look like boi- that's a Kurt Metzger joke. These fucking boi- white bread, wonder bread in a snowstorm. We are-


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[Assistant] I hear you. Behavior. That's true. You're trying, you're playing a very limited game. There's a lot of, it's like operation you gotta get in there. Yes, yes. But the truth is, is these girls, or the guys before, are sluts.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? True, true holiness, I think it comes from going through all of that experience and having, this is very Buddhist, but having compassion and love for all of humanity and all of that experience. Instead of just going, I'm gonna sequester myself. That's a very 20th century Christian idea where it's like, we're just gonna, we got no TV, we got no, and I understand limiting that stuff, but it's like,


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[Assistant] So weird. This kid knows how to get to the mall. This kid orders at Cheesecake Factory without opening the door.


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[Assistant] Which Bible character had Noah... I feel like you could, you could probably get this one, Pete. Adam and Eve? Well, Jesus had Mary, but no dad.


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[Assistant] Just as the Lord your God shows love to the Israelites, though they turn their back on him.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I guess you could strap, strap on. You certainly can.


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[Assistant] That's just like a joke obviously, but like, I need to know they like it. I'm a performer. So if there's something in there that I'm like-


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[Assistant] Anything that kind of hinges on the idea that it's like, can you believe she's letting me do it in the butt? That doesn't get me off. I'm there for her.


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[Assistant] Oh. We went and got a leash. And she, it was her idea. Do I have to, look at my fucking...


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[Assistant] I do not want to whip my girlfriend with a leash. She got this real thin one that like hurt and I hit her with it once and like it left a red mark and I was like, I'm fucking


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[Assistant] Find it. Find the audio. It's towards the end. But that to me, this is real vulnerability. Like, there's emotional, uh, people, everyone, people are gonna call me a cuck. What, but I am. What's up you fucking cuck? What's up cuck? I'm a fucking cuck. Hey cuck. Suddenly I'm Mark Wahlberg.


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[Assistant] So anyway, I, uh, I, this is par for the course for me. Going like, I don't, I don't know if I can. And then the woman being like, it's fine. And then me being like, now I can.


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[Assistant] Like that is such a turn on for me because vulnerability and like emotional safety is for you. Is important.


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[Assistant] It goes both ways, like a safe environment where it's like, hey, I don't care, I got, like everybody loves this feeling. I got nowhere to be. Like I'm just happy to be with you. You don't have to be, I feel like traditionally ladies is like, that's lady shit. Fuck you. No, yea. I got balls. Yea, I got...


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[Assistant] He's a car painter. A car painter. He's having more fun than those kids. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] You know why? Because he was like, ass play, not to assume that all gay men do ass play, but he seemed like a straight guy being like, look it's not that weird, if you wanna play with your bud, that's why I kinda thought it was nice. But he's got the gay pride necklace.


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[Assistant] I'm just saying there are other options other than having your own. Are you going to have other podcasts that use this space and give you a kick? There's going to be other podcasts done over there. That are under your umbrella? Basically, yea. That give you a kick? There's a little taste. There's a taste. There's like one of those. I mean they get the majority.


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[Assistant] You could have, well, what? Yea, but I don't want to do it out of my house or like do it in... But you could have rented a space, like an already existing space. Somebody else's podcast space? Rent time in a podcast space. Yea, but those are gross. Or just rent an office. This is an office. This is, this is somewhere you could park an airplane.


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[Assistant] You have a podcast. And you were like, we need a studio.


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[Assistant] Hey, if there's one thing I know about the Lamborghini people, they're decent salt of the earth. If you give them a hundred G's.


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[Assistant] But that was $3,000 or something? You can buy a sauna. People can save up and buy a sauna.


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[Assistant] 35, if I spent $35,000 on a piece of jewelry. Jewelry. Just a made up thing.


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[Assistant] I just- I like their french onion soup too. I'm worried that you're behind the music in the making. Oh, don't say that.


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[Assistant] He came too quickly for the toy. On his review thing.


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[Assistant] Who are you? And I'm like, wait, what's going on? Well, I, I, I never thought of myself as a cheap person, but there isn't a part of you that's like,


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[Assistant] I hope this is interesting to the listener. It is. You have a very popular podcast. Why not? Why not? Why not keep some of that? Right. Don't you realize we're playing pro ball?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, our careers are in- our salaries are inflated. Mike Brubiglia told me this. He was like, don't forget. You start making a TV show, you start doing this and this and whatever.


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[Assistant] What is this, H&R Block? I don't know what's going on here. But you don't have that. You're like, there's no tomorrow. You're Crusty the Clown lighting a cigar with the Action Comics number one.


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[Assistant] It's more than five. No! It's less than five. Way less. Okay. That's good. Yeah. It's a really nice space. Yeah, it's way less. Now I don't feel bad about you at all. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually, when I saw this base, I was like, this is like, we're looking at thousands and thousands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever you wonder if you should say it, you should probably say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just not my trip. That's not like- What's not your trip? Like just like having cash. Throwing down cash. What do you- You don't spend anything? Cash. I got a house? That's a fucking big purchase. No it is. Pay off the house. Have the house. Yeah. I bought my wife a car for Christmas. That was pretty big. Hey, okay. That's huge. Yeah. How much was it? She needed a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, that's a nice car. That's a nice car. Way nicer than mine, mine's thirty. Got my wife a nicer car. That's nice. Keep that in mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he doesn't. And I parked it at Moshe Cashers place. Kept it there. Secret. Christmas. Aww. And then I felt very Christmassy. And then I knew I had to get up in the middle of the night to park in the driveway. Put the bow on it. Like a 90's Lexus commercial. Those are awesome. Sweet. So what I did was, this is some real genius shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't set an alarm, it would wake her up too. So I just drank a fuck ton of water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Oh, that was, that is actually really smart of you. Wow. I've never felt more Christmassy in my life. You weren't tired at all, right? I wasn't tired. I was so excited. Our kid is too young to do this sort of Christmassy stuff. And she also, I kept telling her that she knew what car she wanted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm not some like weirdo that's like, I'll order for the lady, like her car. So she knew what it was, but I kept telling her I couldn't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I bought the drive jacket too, you know what I mean? We were all like, I'll get it. And then got the black one. I've never wore it. Anyway, it's in a goodwill somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you get sometimes. You know what it is? It's similar to drugs. Like for me, I don't smoke a lot of pot, barely ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But every time I do, I'm like, this isn't it. And I recently stopped drinking for recent, for similar reasons, was you were always looking for that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Noon the next day. So you're like, fuck it, let's get martinis. And the feeling of novelty and spontaneity gets blended and the feeling of travel gets mixed in to the martinis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? But our stupid ape brains go, martinis mean that feeling. The next time you have them, you realize that it was a cacophony. It was a mosaic of feelings that we're chasing. And that's how I feel about weed. I smoke weed and I'm like, it makes me happy. It makes me silly. Or even coffee makes my mood elevate. Does it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or was your mood just there and you were too tired to even notice and that kinda woke you up a little bit. Like nothing is a magic bullet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But unfortunately like, it's, it's sometimes harder to get a handle on what, I'm sure your family makes you really happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like, what did people with like the fucking 1600s do? They just sat around and talking shit. Isn't that interesting? We record it and I understand people share it and they're listening and they're a part of it in their way. But like we're doing the same thing our ancestors did. And the same things, same basic things make us happy. It's like being with other people is a big one. I'm getting this from the movie Happy by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other thing, and I think you guys are both gonna like this, that's key to happiness is flow, is something that takes you outside of time. Yes. So they actually interviewed people that are like fry cooks, like on a line in a busy Manhattan restaurant. Very happy people, because they'd have like five, not all of them obviously, but they'd have like four hours, three hours of a rush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During the day were they getting outside of our minds. You talk to stand-ups, one of the first things we say we like about stand-up is that time disappears. Yeaah. And you disappear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like Avatar. Remember in Avatar where they're holding hands over the tree? We crave that sort of stuff. We can either resist that or just be like, look, we're stuck in these embarrassing meat puppets and there's certain things that make us feel good. The thing that I'm talking about with jewelry and stuff is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, when our behavior is being, uh, given to us by someone else's story of success. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A narrative was sold to us. Whether it is alcohol or food or jewelry or a new car. I know I just bought a new car. And there is some joy to be found in those things. But like, we need to be making sure that we're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're writing our story, you know what I mean? Not just going like, well, this is what they told us it was. Cause guess what? As someone who's had all my dreams come true, I'll tell you, you get there and you're still fucking there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just by deeply connecting with other people in a sincere way. And that's why we were joking about publicists and stuff. It does kind of bother me to think that you're paying somebody to love you. This is, this is, this is a uhm, who wrote uhm, fucking blanking on his name and the name of the book. Who wrote Infinite Jest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the rub. It's the same with McDonald's, it's the same with pornography, and it's the same with the jewelry that you bought. You're having these things met by people who don't love you. That's, that's what's fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're paying for something that not only should be free, but only actually occurs when it's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? If your wife makes you a sandwich or you make your kid a sandwich, there really is something going on there. There's intention and there's a drive behind it that's pure. And what we're losing touch with as human beings is, yeah, I can have, I'm wealthy enough. I'm very fortunate to have Grubhub bring me every fucking meal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, or I could make some boring ass pasta dish. I don't know how to cook a lot of things, which is what I made my wife last night. That is the better choice. I'm doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know this. We know this. It's the same part of you that's like, you're feeling depressed, go for a hike, go for a walk. Even if you, I know you don't want to, you need to realize that you're negotiating with an ape and you have to rise above it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every story is a guy sitting on a box, every spiritual story, is a guy sitting on a box and he's begging for change. And finally one guy goes, hey, what's in the box? He goes, you know, I never looked in the box. He goes, you should look in the box. Guy walks away, beggar looks in the box, it's filled with gold, right? That's every story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go on a journey looking for a diamond only to realize it was sewn into the lining of your jacket the whole time. This is every movie. This is the human story. So why do we, why do we love that story and why does that story keep being told? It's because, and I'm starting, I'm 39 years old, I'm finally starting, it's finally starting to sink in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That there is something to enjoy just in the moment, just in the phenomenon of being conscious. And you can call that conscious a piece of God or whatever you want to say. It doesn't matter what symbol system you use. But when you go just this,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, and there's a way to intellectualize that, that's exhausting, where I go like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coffee's a fucking miracle. That's exhausting. That's head stuff. It's about being in a heart place where you're just not thinking, where you're letting it shut off and you're just going like, like I was in the shower, here's a simple one. It's in the shower this morning. You go, this could be your last shower. We don't know. I could fucking die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that sounds morbid, but there's something when you go, this could be my last shower, you feel the water on your skin. And you smell the soap and there's something and you see the sun coming through the window and the speck of dust that's caught in it and how it looks like our universe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's not thinking that looks like our universe, that's feeling it. That's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of like times it's, it's our alcoholics and our addicts that know the benefit of a gratitude list. Yea. But that is absolutely one of the keys to happiness. Physical activity, human contact, flow and gratitude. And it does, and you know what, it doesn't even have to be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fancy stuff. I go on a hike, there's three phases of the hike. One is a gratitude list. So let's say it's a 15 minute walk. The first five minutes you just think about what you're grateful for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and you basically, it doesn't have to be fancy, you can be like, I'm grateful for my hands. Yes. It can be some bullshit. Yeah, sure. I'm grateful for having a car, that Mallory has a car. I'm grateful that I have a place to sleep. I'm grateful for food. Then if you run out of stuff, think about the people that you're grateful for. Believe me, this is way more than five minutes worth. The second five, I'm trying to think, it's been a while since I did the, cause honestly it's the first one that mattered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first, the next five is you think about how you want your day to go. You usually do this in the morning and it makes a huge difference. I can't. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. But that is real happiness. What you're saying, and this is a mystical idea, is the idea of not identifying with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My last special, Dirty Clean, I did a bit about this where I had people sing a song in their head. I'm like, who's hearing that? That's kind of a nudge towards...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to like, as a Christian, I would want peace to exist in my mind. I'd want it to exist in my ego. And then I realized through meditation, all these different practices, you want to identify with the part that's impartial, unborn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just watching that sort of stuff. That's where peace was hiding. It wasn't hiding in thoughts like, please give me peace. Please help me calm down. It was, it was witnessing who's noticing the lack of peace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking basic. And when you got into that, that's it. And anyone can get there. You don't have to meditate. You can slip into that space at any moment that you want. When you're having too many thoughts, you go, who's noticing the thoughts? That's, that's the summation of thousands of years of weird mystical writings that Gandalf can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had Crashing coming out, and my special coming out, really, we're here to promote Crashing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is something I'm grateful for, that I could reach out, you have this wonderful, popular show, I know I give you a hard time for renting a space. Love the show, love that you have, that this is working for you guys. And the fact that Nadav and everybody bent over to make this happen, that means a lot, and that's what Crashing is about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stick with it! I'd rather you have said nothing. See, we were just on the same show, stick with it. It's like keep at it. Keep at it, buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you this. Have you used a bathroom on yourself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always had cravings for blood since the first age I can remember. Anytime someone cut their self, if they cut their finger, I'd put their finger in my mouth. If they cut their arm, I'd...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so I was just, uh, verifying this and it is true. If you, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you live in the Brea area, uh, those shows have been sold out for a while, but what happened is, uh, the club is moving down the street. Still in Brea, it's still on the same block, but they're moving to a much bigger space. So they have opened up tickets to every show because of the new capacity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, they'll probably go pretty quick. Uh, the ones that were on sale went fast. But, uh, if you missed out on the original tickets, you can go to TomSegura.com slash tour and get the tickets to those shows. I believe it's August 2nd and 3rd at the Brea Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, uhm, some show, some tickets left in, Fill Her Up Delphia, uhm, I have,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shows, uh, the second show, still available in, uhm, what's it called? What's your tits called? Uh, uh, no, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boise. So, yeaah, here's the, uh, the new exciting show. Eugene Oregon is on sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The on sale is Friday. The pre-sale will be this Wednesday, uh, May 30th, beginning at 10am Pacific, the McDonald Theater. The password, if you'd like to get tickets during the pre-sale, is CHAMP. C-H-A-N-P.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, enjoy that. Please get tickets to see us. We're very excited about it. Jean, are you ready to get down to business?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that was just a little thing to get the show started, you know, right in our wheelhouse. A lot of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excited voice, but uhm, yeaah, today's gonna be fun. We got a lot to get into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, I don't know, I feel like it's just, you know, my foe came through, threw me a motherfucking dope jacket and I put it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wore it on a plane, people were definitely noticing. Yeaah. Jesus, this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was in Madrid for a semester, every, every club was... Of course!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. That was like a few good songs though. That never really took off here though. Something about that sensibility is not, I don't know, it's not, it's not as, like there it feels, it's mainstream. That's what people are into. If you're young, if you're cool, that's what you like. And here, it wasn't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're uhm, we're basically lost on our television shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens is, the well dries up on really amazing award winning television. In other words, scripted, mega shows that are phenomenal. Like, I'm coming to an end on the Americans. I'm so upset that we're coming to an end on the Americans. If you never got into the Americans, you want a deep dive, you'll have six seasons. So good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's good. I mean, this last ending was just like... Bam! I love that. That kind of reminds me of when...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of those shows where you go, well, I don't want to give it away, but it's like when you're watching


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the amazing, like a Breaking Bad and, uh, something


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyways, we run through these shows, and so then you're great at finding the filler shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fat dwarves, fat and black. It's called big and little. Oh yeaah. Big and little, that's about fat dwarves. Fat dwarves. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's also hard to watch, you know, they're like, this skin will tear, like, ugh. And then there's, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Married couples that have been married for a while. I mean, we're talking anywhere from like 8 to sometimes 30 years. Right? So. Multiple children. Established relationships. Yeah. Children for most.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in each of these marriages, the man has told the woman that he wants to transition to a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, I mean, you are really, it is like jumping into a household and seeing the biggest


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bomb drop in a relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're literally getting to peek in to a private life and seeing somebody go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am gonna blow up what we have been used to for three decades sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she had it. She's living the life that she wanted. She's living the life that she wanted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you see, you see real, I mean, devastation that not that he's doing it, it's that life is now not, is changing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, but you know, here I was my whole life, you know, my wedding day and the birth of our children and I was just always so devastated and miserable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he couldn't say anything and he was like, I was so devastated and like, oh god, I'm so miserable. And she was like, that's so hurtful to hear. Because I thought those were great dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna get a separate place and he's like, the budget's really gonna be tight. So you're gonna have to not splurge. Anyway, I'm gonna go out now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she doesn't get it. But actually, that's kind of fascinating to watch too. Oh, that's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a great show. And it makes you kind of wonder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it would be, it would be, I'd be like, okay. No, I think I love you like that too, where I'd be like, we have that spare room, and that could be yours, and uh, you know, if you start lifting, we could start sharing clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd be, you'd be mommy to him for a while. It'd be hard to break it for him. He's so young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or maybe he would start calling, we'd have him call you your new name. What would be your dude name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lucy, from I Love Lucy, I love that show. And she goes, I fucking hate that name, it's a stupid name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I have a special treat for you that I want to give to you before our guest arrives. Sure. So for people who may have missed last week's show, uh, Christina is taping another Netflix special called The Degenerates. Yes. Uh, Joey Diaz is doing it, Lisa Trager. Lisa Trager, that's her name, yes. Big Jay Okerson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but anyway, it's a great lineup, it's in Las Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've been, you know, running your material, getting ready for it. I thought as a gift, um, because you're my wife, that, uh, I could just go ahead and throw out there some joke ideas for you. So what I wanted to do was create this moment where we have you run this material.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, cold. You don't know what it is. I just wrote it for you, and uh, you just read it and like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do the bit, okay? And fully commit please. Terrifying. Alright, and coming to the stage now, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Christina P.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad you saved it with that last line because they were upset about your insensitive joke, but good job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think, I think that's natural, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I mean, you know, you've been doing a lot of sets around town. I think it'd be great if you even said, uh, my husband wrote some stuff for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're welcome. Anyways, uh, people can see you. They probably aren't sure it's already all sold out, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it was- It's gone. The belly's gone. No, no, I'm talking about in Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, why don't we just take a moment here because our guest should be arriving shortly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After usually after I know after a big set I like to kind of chill for a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big dream has come true. Uhm, the last time was such a massive success. We never expected it to go, I mean we obviously expected it to go well, but it definitely exceeded our expectations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Showing the guns off with a guest who you may introduce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your theory. Which one? Well, uh, I'm gonna show it to you. Okay, let's do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hey dog cunts, the episode of Dr. Drew may have been one of the best I ever heard on your mom's house. However, I do feel that Dr. Drew did make one egregious claim that I feel I couldn't sit back and accept.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Second, I found that after a fudge baby birth my farts were relatively dormant and less agitated by food or another brown. In my findings, a looming brown was always good for several warning blasts until the log was dropped and subsequently cut by my urine. In conclusion, I can say with confidence, poop does push the farts out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not the greatest at this, but I know people who are so, some guys who are so far down the line on, they're physically so unappealing, and they have these standards where you're like, are you insane? Yea, why do you, like it's offensive. Yea, they're like, no fat chicks bro, I'm like, you're 350. Why does this work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First one up, first one up was in the news. You may have caught wind of this one, but I just wanted to get, you know, your take on it. This lady who you may or may not have heard about recently in the news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, this woman went from Florida, do you know this story? No. She texted this man, who she had gone on one date with, 65,000 times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, and then they, you know, they arrested her and then she actually, they gave her like a mini press conference, which I thought was unusual, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy. Do you think that something's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I've seen the same look in an interview with like a psychopathic killer who's delusional and detestable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I love crime shows. I like thrillers. That's what he says, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, I find that very, very common. Almost unheard of. No, no. Unheard of to not happen among comics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not a big like call everyone up and talk about everyone, but I like being the listening device to other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, most of his stories, he could be like, like his, the difference would be like, the guy robbed the place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you'll be like, did that happen to ya? And you'll be like, why are you fucking leaving all this out? Like, that's how he tells the story. Uhm, anyways, alright, let's jump into the, uh, there's so much. Oh yeah, this guy is really cool. I wanted to get your take on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he also, uh, he also tied in his, um, his own behavior to deserving it. He said, yeah, he's been to give to homeless people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also put out a video that uhm, I don't have it queued up, but where he offered to take a woman to dinner and give her a thousand dollars. Just to go to dinner. To go to dinner, but he also wanted it to be somebody who was perhaps willing to have a family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, powerful people, uhm, uh, CEO's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, to me, this, uhm, this justification, explanation for it, sounds like nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I've been trying to play, I've been looking all over for, is it here? I wanted to play for him that other guy breaking his leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you guys gotta work on those nips, you really gotta get on them, right? To make the blood milk come out? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that much sort of stuff sitting on top. And the eyes are really not moving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? So he said he built a sex swing time machine out of beef jerky, so now we're getting into kind of- Sexosis? Time machine out of beef jerky, and he wants a girl that can roll a blunt with her pussy. Which is not possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But maybe just like a really morbidly obese guy. Yeah, desperate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this one will perk you up. Hold on, let me get you something more fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wants him to get up? Well, she wants the guy who's standing on his head to get off so that she can tase him, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorta. You remember McAfee anti-virus software. Yes, yes. So this man became very wealthy. Uh oh. Cause he's one of the early guys that got in on software viruses. Yeah. So he, uh, he kinda got out of that business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She liked it. That was great. I got a first row view of her as that was playing. She was like, yeah. So McAfee was bought out of his company a while ago, left with, you know, nine figures, went down to Belize, um, and has since, um, been, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chased by them for a murder or two. What? Chased by who? By Belizean authorities. They believe that he murdered a neighbor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the midst of all his time, he kind of took over the town he was in in Belize as like, you know, the rich guy, hired like 20 armed guards, bought the police, you know, cars and boats and just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what was interesting is so he would have these girls sit in a hammock with a hole and shit in his mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, his only thing was paying these girls to shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing I actually wonder, you know, I have a pretty open mind, uh, different people liking different things, you know, whatever turns you on, fine. How can somebody- Get turned on by that. I mean, get turned on, hey, how can they even get through?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instantly, you know? I mean, you walk by human shit and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do you think that there's a probability that when somebody has a scat sex issue that it is- I cannot- I don't get it. There's an origin- I know, I don't get it either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I met a couple who does videos online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, they were at a show and they were telling me about, you know, they do sex videos, you know, and they sell them. And, uh, one of their fans contacted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's easy money. Did you see the Tim Hortons lady? The lady in the coffee shop last week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I gotta tell you, I'm really, I understand that and I understand, you know, why people are like, you need to get out of here. I always feel like it's so crazy when anyone is refused the right to a bathroom. I know. In a civilized world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you care what he looks like? Well I really lost my mind on this because my producer...


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[Assistant] Blue band. He names all these files, and what really made me flip out is that he named, they're usually things like, it says staying alive, or like, closer look at his teeth. But he called this one, using lung infection as an instrument. This one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I love them. Oh, they're great. And the imagery, it's something funny about in movies, I still can kind of romanticize the popping and out and the lighting, the ritual of it. Yeah, you get it.


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[Assistant] I've become that person in a way where I go like, I can't believe this person is doing that, especially with today's knowledge. That you live in the world now, you're exposed to all that information.


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[Assistant] We've come to the, uh. Oh gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you can, you won't be able to, because it's all in the audio. Okay, okay. But we'll, we'll please, uh, we'll bring her in for her take on what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, so this guy has some advice for just the general public. He has advice. He has some thoughts on some things that are actually medically related. Oh, good. And maybe you can support, or if you feel so inclined, uh, dispute what he suggests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That can happen, right? Okay, well let's keep going. You want to take a video of whatever?


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[Assistant] And this is a common occurrence with no no, okay


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[Assistant] Uhm, and you're saying like you don't recommend anyone to do it though.


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[Assistant] His brother was not a believer, but when they smoked together, his brother pulled out his dick, and he couldn't believe how big his brother's dick was. And how much it produced. And that he jerked off in four strokes, and it was so much, and his brother believes him now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is delighted and impressed. I'm very impressed. He also pointed out medicinally, I was wondering if you could weigh in on this. He said my brother's only 49, no neuropathy issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it sounds like what Dr. Drew's saying for our listening audience, try it out, you know, see what happens.


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[Assistant] I just want to interject, excuse me, Christine is saying this ex is out, half the audience, the female audience. Yes, they don't want to buy this shit.


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[Assistant] I want to volunteer Exhibit A that a woman might wear that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are all listeners of our show, okay? They are? Yeah? Oh yeah. They are submitting videos of the uh, Try It Out guy who you covered last time. Yes. Uhm, that's the uh, that's this guy. That was my favorite one. They're all parodying this guy.


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[Assistant] I need to know. I will say this in your defense of your theory. When I was, uh, touring last year, a lot of times women would come up to me and go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, my boyfriend said to tell you. Yes.


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[Assistant] Just to, uhm, further this, we restocked the Try It Out, which is that guy. We restocked the Ball Hog. Uhm, my Water Champ hat sold out, so we had to restock that. That's stupid. It's silly, where's your water today? Also, guess what, guess what sold out and you had to restock? Where's your water? Your Not Los Angeles shirt. I love that.


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[Assistant] This is a, this is such a treat. I mean, I really want to make this a regular like thing where you come every once in a while.


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[Assistant] I was about to play a song that was in this folder, but then I realized that DJ Skullvomit sent that song uhm, that was so good. Remember the one I played on my phone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this is called Your Mom's House Scat Anthem. Produced by Fart Simpson. Uhm, yeah. So, uh, Dr. Drew, thank you so much. It's such a privilege, I love seeing you guys. Thank you so much. You want to get us out of here? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, tell us about the, uh, I'm sorry that this wasn't set up, uh, the way that, um, you know, Drew comes in and analyzes these things is like a very specific thing, but I, uh, you guys have multiple podcasts. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, thank you Susan. Here's Drew. Alright. Uh, Dr. Drew.


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[Assistant] Jean, I'm, uh, about to do, uh, one of the biggest runs I've ever done. Ever.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm doing, let's see, two, four, six, eight shows. Coming up, I'm gonna be doing two shows in Madison, two in Milwaukee, two in Chicago, and two in Nashville. As of this recording, uh, you can still get tickets to the Madison Late Show on April 11th.


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[Assistant] The Late Show April 12th has very few tickets left. You might be able to get some there. Uh, Chicago sold out April 13th, but we added a show in June, June 2nd. And you can maybe get a few tickets at the Late Show in Nashville. It's, it's limited, might be singles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TomSegura.com slash tour. Uh, let's see, you can get tickets to the Late Show April 28th in Medford, Massachusetts. That's dressed outside of Boston. And May 1st.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Portland, Oregon, uhm, we have some tickets there. The next day is sold out. Then there's a run of shows in Seattle at the Moore. And the only one with tickets left is April, or excuse me, May 5th. Go to tomscura.com slash tour. Uhm, and I should also point out that we are announcing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Take It Down Tour second half of the year shows. Oh. Uh, if you signed up for the email on my site,


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[Assistant] You will get the email announcing the code and the list of cities before anybody else on April 9th. That's the date that email comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the following day, it'll be announced to the public, uhm, tickets, but you can get advanced tickets. If you sign up, thompscuro.com slash tour, it prompts you to an email list. You can get those tickets and that email will come to you April 9th.


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[Assistant] Gene, you're gonna be in Mini Appleton.


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[Assistant] MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura.


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[Assistant] Uhm, in a little while here, uh, I can, I think I could put it on this show. We should mention, uh, there's a couple items that will be added to the store when this episode comes out. So, it's pretty exciting. It's pretty amazing. It's pretty exciting. Jean, this is gonna be a really fun show.


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[Assistant] We have a lot of good things to play for you guys and we have some amazing guests. So without further ado, let's start the show.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, that lady had a really good message actually. That's disrespect. You know what it reminds me of? The disrespect of somebody microwaving fish in a public place. Is the disrespect of people who board flights with food.


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[Assistant] Because they're selfish, they're oblivious, they're narcissists, yeaah, they're just horrible people.


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[Assistant] Okay. We're so relaxed. But also, could you take it out back? Could you take your feet out back?


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[Assistant] How is, no one's like pushed back on that hard enough yet, huh?


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[Assistant] There's my curry outside. My, uh, my wife from uh, 2011 just learned to catch me outside.


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[Assistant] Should we talk about this real quick before we forget? So two things, two things are coming to the, they're in the store now actually if you're watching by now it's there. So one is the battle for championship status has never slowed down between us. And we've had so many people weigh in. That was the fun thing about the water championship.


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[Assistant] But here's the fascinating thing about the water battle, okay? My doctor told me to stop drinking so much water. But people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It goes back and forth. And they've also hit us up, they're like, how do you not have a water bottle? We do.