[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's mortifying. I love it. This is the best thing I've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When he said, cause when he called me, he goes, I just saw the screening of, uh, the machine. He saw the first screening of the movie. I go, how was it? He goes, amazing. I go, oh, congratulations. So it's, it's good. And he goes, well, I don't really know because I love everything that I'm in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's wild. He goes like, I love watching myself on two bears. I love listening to myself on a podcast. I was like, uh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About 10 days to watch it. Cause I'll watch like 5 minutes, I'm like, not doing this now, and then I walk out, and then I get through, and then I like force myself, you gotta get through another part of this, and like I get through 10 more minutes, I'm like, oh I can't even fucking breathe, and then I walk out and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do all the time. And most comics that I talk to are like, oh yeaah, it was horrible watching. You know, there's that thing like, I hate listening to my voice. Of course. Or you're watching yourself and your gestures. I mean, unless you have like a glove, then you fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they'll do, they'll do the, uh, the line cut for you and then you just, you just gotta start going like, cause sometimes you remember things that they don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, like sometimes, you know, typically most specials are two shows that you tape. Like sometimes they'll do, let's say, joke number three, and it's clearly from the second show. And you're like, actually, that's one of the jokes where I remember it was better on the first show. So you gotta kind of, you gotta kind of make some of those calls or.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I remember one time they left this like weird long transition. I'm like, why don't you cut that down? Who wants to walk, watch me like walk back over here? I'm like, just cut it. And they were like, Oh, okay. I know. I don't think they don't think about it the way you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so let's go back to this. How does Burt not feel these things?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I can't believe I got you. Hey, we're, uh, we're doing Your Mom's House right now, and we're recording. Uh, do you have a second? Okay, we're talking about how you're the only comedian that we can think of that actually loves watching themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait either, it's probably, well yeaah, we would have to bleep it out, I'm sure. Uhm, what do you love, how come you don't have the thing where, you know, all of us go like, oh man, I can't watch myself, I hate my voice, I hate the way, like, why do you love watching you, you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then like, cause like we were talking about, I don't know how you feel about this, cause we didn't actually specifically say this, that like when we do stand up specials, for me, the edit is horrendous. Like looking at-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, it's interesting because some people would hear that and go, oh so you have like really healthy self-esteem and self-worth, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, yeah, so you're seeing the good side, which is actually a very good thing to see. So you see the good side, the good things in yourself, which is hard for a lot of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I struggle with it more. And I think uhm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I definitely don't have high self esteem. People think I have high self esteem, but I, I definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean maybe it comes in like waves or there's peaks and valleys to it, but I struggle with it, but I definitely am not a fan of watching myself. And I can say that I've seen myself in a few movies, in specials, and I do not enjoy watching myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, of course. And I love to laugh. I mean the one thing I'll tell you I can enjoy watching is I can watch myself genuinely lose my shit laughing like in podcasts over the years and enjoy that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fun to me, but I'm, I'm basically accessing that day, that moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I could watch that, yeaah, because a lot of that felt like, you know, even though there's cameras and everything, like gen- like, uh, genuine interactions and stuff, it's easier for me to almost watch that. You know, because it kinda feels like podcast-y.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I get that. Well, it's a good thing. I mean, I really think you're unique in that. I really do. It's very rare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, did you get your dad to shampoo in the pool with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so glad you tagged me in that. Alright, we're gonna run. I love you. Have a great show. Have fun. Okay, bye. Can you pull up his Instagram? Because it might still be in his stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, I don't know. He's not though, he's too, he's too good of a guy. Uh, scroll, go, jump, jump, jump, jump, uh, couple more. Right, so go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, the thing is about Bert though, he, you know, he's not self-loathing like that, I don't think, but he definitely works and does a lot to improve, like, he cares a lot about it. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's spookier than seeing a black cat on Halloween? It's shaving your balls with anything other than Manscapes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it comes to below the waist grooming, there's no need to carve your pumpkins this Halloween because Manscaped is here to upgrade your grooming experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just rusty forks. Anything to trim up that whole area. And I got a manscaped and I'm like, oh you mean there doesn't have to be a pool of blood underneath me every time I trim my junk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are awesome and I am a huge, huge fan of Manscaped. Get 20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. That's 20% off plus free shipping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At manscaped.com slash M O M say trick or treat to your new beautiful Halloweeny with manscape. What up? What up? What up? How was your pee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you double it up, you're gonna keep raising the, what you need. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, definitely I've been like, really gotta take a shit and then sex was offered and I was like, that can wait. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then sex happens and then I'm like, Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeah, it'll shut it down for a little while, but I'm saying then also you'll get a reminder. It's like, Hey, you remember we had an appointment earlier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a couple of weeks ago, I opened my telephone, my mobile telephone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm addicted to it. You know, I don't know. It's just like one of those things where you like to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a privacy, you know, like just like when you're on, when you're on a, like on a plane and you have your laptop open, I'm always like, yeah, keep your fucking eyes to yourself. But like with your phone, your phone's always out in front of people. I'm like, so I feel like it's nice. You have like a little cover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I uhm, I finished, I was, I was on my mobile telephone, my cellular, and uhm, I opened one of the apps and I saw that I kept getting tagged. Like everyone was like, I was used to girls and I was like, what? What is this? And then I opened and I was like, wait, is this me? Is this me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, I see the similarity. I see the, the beard stuff and the eyes, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, uh, he's really, uh, I like when there's somebody that knows a lot about something that none of us know about or care about. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a guy that looks exactly like you, let me tell you, it is not the coolest spectrum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Erotic literature, like, ugh. Hey, there's fucking, uh, six people on earth that this applies to. It's a good that we gotta...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, or also like after hearing that, I'm like, oh, you mean, okay, someone who's kind of fucking full of shit. That's cool. Yeah, that's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When someone's just weird or, um, a prude. Yeaah. You know what I mean? Or inexperienced. You know what half those people need? Someone to fuckin' open them up. Yeaah. You know? Nerds. These are nerds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These haven't had someone put their tongue in their ass yet. That's it. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, uh, I'm not so comfortable with sexual, and then all of a sudden someone's like, uh, like licks, and they're like, oh wow, that feels pretty good, and they're like, oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I should find others like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell the person that's making you cum what you like. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you don't have to put out videos out. You definitely don't have to announce it on a television show or at a family dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, happy Thanksgiving everybody. You know what makes me calm? I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what does the chartreuse color mean? Oh, I don't know. I just made that up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but the way that she tells the story, it's like, it's captivating, you know? That's an entertaining way to tell the story. She's a good storyteller. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably. That guy was just standing there and looked like he was pissing on himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess maybe it's uhm, it's probably what's spun off from inclusion being a big thing. Cause there's a big upside to inclusion, right? Like people feeling like they belong to be important. And then, you know, the there's always another side to something and the other side of inclusion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's like, let's just fucking, let's stop at wheelchairs. Okay. Like that's enough. They should be included. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's definitely kids that can use that, right? Definitely. I haven't seen a single one who


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like a lot of times, you know, you call and they're like, they start giving you language options. It's like, yeah, how many let's English and Spanish and then let's give it a break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is not practical. Hey, here's some more options in Farsi. What the fuck are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we're the parent of a kid that needed that. I might try to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But wouldn't you like, you would do anything to make it accessible for your kid. Of course. So it makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to the fucking sixties. Alright, so one of the things that uhm, you noted, you were talking about it, that I actually have been enjoying some road stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's, okay, there's how you start working Vegas and how I work Vegas now. There's a big difference because when I used to work Vegas in the very beginning, and this was true for other cities with casinos, like Atlantic city and other casino cities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're up and coming, they book you for a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you might be like, oh, a week vacay? No, no, no. Generally what happens is you have one on a week long gig like that. You have one show a night. Um, it's usually like 9 PM usually. And then on Friday, Saturday, they do two shows a night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You kinda gotta be a centered, grounded, together person to get, because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think of it like this, you're working Vegas, you don't have money, like when you're, when you're on the, you don't have any money. So it's not like you're like out gambling, shopping, enjoying the perks of Vegas. You're eating in the cafeteria, like where they give you like the voucher to eat with like the staff there, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like you go like, I could do that. It's like, yeah, one day, two days, but then you get to like day three and four and five and you're like, oh, there's three more days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just, those would depress me because you would feel very isolated, very disconnected. And then the show might suck. So like the one thing you're looking forward to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And casinos, a lot of times, in that world, side with audience. They're like, we don't give a fuck about you. We want something for these people to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I threw a guy out one time and it was a big deal. They were mad at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, what was that all about? I was like, the guy was a fucking drunk mess. What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was doing this shit, one of the real shitty rooms, I would make jokes about how shitty the place was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was middling, and I was like this fucking shithole. Like, you know, I would just do that kind of stuff. And it was this, it was like the second to last show. And, uh, one of the guys working there goes, uh, oh, and, uh, blah, blah, blah. He goes, and, uh, you can go home. And I was like, I can go home? He's like, yeah, you can go home. I was like, there's one more show. He's like, oh, you don't have to do it. You can go home. And I go, what do you mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, well, you think this place is a shithole. So since it's not good enough for you, why don't you go home?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, oh, alright, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was just joking, he's like, yeah, you keep saying it every show, so just go home. And so I go backstage and I tell the headliner, because I'm middling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was, uh, one of the places where they mail you the check. That's what I was gonna bring up next. You're like, what? That makes no sense. They're like, no it does, cause what happens is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause the credit card processing and then you gotta, so the next week we'll send it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are fucking dumps. Horrible. That's where the ugly people go to lose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, what a nightmare Vegas. So here's what I mean though, the difference is now I stay for two nights. Perfect. Which is the perfect amount of time to stay in Vegas. I bring friends that are not even on the show just to hang out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then I try to do something fun. At the very least, Vegas does have phenomenal restaurants. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be like, let's go to dinner at like, the show that I do for my contract is at 10, but it's the only show that night. You have one show at night. So I'm like, we can go to like a seven o'clock dinner and then wrap up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go over to the venue, do the show, and it's like, it's low stress compared to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, uh, when you're picking out your cars, you know, there's a board, or you could be like, I want to drive this, that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, sickler goes, he was, he was on the show. He goes, uh, what's the fastest thing you have? And the guy's like, he's a decent, right? The would have gotten GT. It's a, it's a, it's a race spec, uh, Lamborghini, Lamborghini, not when you can drive on the street. It's only for a track. And he's like, I want to go in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was like fucking all right. So he goes in that and he, they split it up. They go, you do five laps first, kind of pull over, regroup, talk about it. Maybe like, you know, have a conversation cause you have an instructor with you and then you go do your six laps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we have video from inside the car. No way. And they're like, this is it. Yeah. So here we go. Shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's a circuit, so it's got, you know, it's got like, it's not just, it's not a circle, it's like you go here, hairpin, turn, you know, like straight here, turn back, it's like a whole, it's a whole track, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is pulled off to go back and the guy's like, just pull over here, pull over here. He said this guy was like telling him, he was like, man, fucking open the door, like throw up. Just telling him to get out of the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they purposely, I believe, give you kilometers an hour so that you envision that you're going faster and you're like doing the conversion rates in your head, right? You're like, wait, just make it miles per hour. But you feel like you're going fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just visiting a track. You're like, am I going a hundred and eighty? You know? Uhm, so I think it probably miles per hour. I mean, it's not a huge track. I don't know. It definitely a little over a hundred, but probably not much more than that. But it's a really, it's a really fun experience. And I'll say this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we paid, we did so, you know, you can see the track right here. Oh, right. That's the shape. Yeah, that's crazy. Um, but, uh, it's a, um, it's a really fun time. It's a really fun time. They had great instructors. Um, and actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, really? Nadav, you got to do it. Yeah. Uhm, I insisted that he drive. There's a new, they had a new GT3 Porsche. Did you like it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that they lie, that they didn't, like he clearly knew there's a mic in there. Yeaah, yeaah. It's probably, it's probably better, so that you go, you're not self-conscious, you know it, but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh see, you're driving like the streets are a racetrack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, nice, nice man. Uh, but that thing you drove, I mean, that's a fucking, that's a special car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I'm addicted to it. It's because of, it's honestly because of those instructors. Cause they're coaching. It's like, it's like you, um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's like a boxing class, like I've watched boxing and you go like, Oh no, throw a punch. And then you, if you're with like a, a really skilled boxing instructor, like a trainer, somebody who's boxed professionally by the end of that class, you're like, Oh, I didn't know how to stand. I didn't know how to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know how to throw a punch. And then, you know, the next time you're, you're kind of slipping punches and like, you know, learning how to move your foot, learning how to stand. So it's like, it's insight into something that you think is one thing. It looks like one thing, but you realize has so much more going on drivings like that. Like even people who.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, a lot about cars sometimes don't know how to drive well. You know what I mean? They're, they're like mechanical guys. Like they.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll be really into like, you know, they know how the engine works, the pistons and they go, they know how to change oil. And then you get in a car with them and you're like, you're a shitty driver though. You don't have to drive. You don't have to drive like on a track because it's totally different than street driving. So I think like the, the, the thrill comes from having a guy like that sitting next to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Merch people. I was like, it's one glove. And he was like, don't you think you should just sell them both? And then they can decide which glove they want to wear. And I was like, oh, yeah, I don't know. So that decision, I don't know, as of right now, hasn't been made. So you might see one glove in there, you might see two gloves, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do I see a glove that you wipe your ass with? I don't know. I don't know, but there's something in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I got on stage in Seattle, somebody had a sign that said, where's the glove?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This reminds me of my tour manager. Remember I told you the story about how my tour manager, so supportive that I jokingly said no more Christian jokes. He just did it. My dad is like that. It's like, it's that level of support. The story we told him was, um, I'm going to lease a Lamborghini.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and no money. And I go, I'm take, uh, I call him and I go, uh, I don't know why it was like just a fucking bit idea to run by my dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, uhm, yeaah, I'm taking out a loan, uh, to lease.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what are you going to do? I go, well, you know, like everybody like, you know, like dice has a leather jacket and like, you know what I mean? So I'm going to, I'm going to lease a Lamborghini. Um, it's like 30 grand a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, oh, that's a lot. And I go, yeah, but this way, when I pull up, people will be like, oh, this guy is like the shit. And he was like, I understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, yes, you know, it's your business. He basically was like, that's what they do in entertainment, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like when we fucked with Dr. Joe Court, immediately I was like, dad, I'm not doing that. He was like, oh, okay. I was like, I'm not gonna at least do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I also described at the time uhm, that I was gonna change my hairstyle and my clothes. I was like, yeaah, I'm probably gonna do this ponytail thing and like, you know, more like open shirts. And he was like, okay, yeaah, alright, it's good by the way. I was like, you gotta have an identity, you know, you gotta have a personality. Boom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Daily fantasy hoops is easy. Just pick your lineup of pro basketballers. Stay under the salary cap and rack up points for three pointers, rebounds, assists and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Don't Give a Flying F-U-C-K by Sequence Program.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A really good one. Here's another one, it's called Enemies of My Enemy by Damon Cisneros.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At what point do you think his parents were like, this is gonna, he's not gonna do a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Work out. Couple more. These are really good. Oh wow. Yeah. Uh, this next one is called F U C K and then in parentheses, gonna cut a smile upon your face by odd track numbers. All right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talented people. Far out, man. Uhm, the last one here I got is called Who's Got My Back by Keith Reynolds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it really does too, is it makes him think he's making music. Like, like if I were this guy, I'd be like, I would just take one of these and give it like, oh, I made this song. And they'd be like, fucking A man, you made this? And he'd be like, well, sort of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to be like, here's a listenable song. Like you might bob your head to this. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. He's definitely doing something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The key to Vegas, I think, any of those like casino balls, it's being in and out. In and out. You don't want to spend too much time there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, if you're going to party, same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He too much, spend too much, and then be like, I gotta get the fuck outta here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right with a hooker. Yeah, you just like, you don't go like, hey, so what are your interests? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to fuck around. I mean, west most places they're like stay in the casino. Right. Oh wow. Yeah. Or the boardwalk when the sun is out. Atlantic city is not a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I mean, casinos are going to attract a certain type.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where am I? I just did one in Indiana. I'm doing, I'm doing them all over the country. I do them everywhere. But yeah, there's some where it's like the only thing there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you go, when you see a casino that's in the middle of nowhere, right? And you're like, what the fuck is this doing here? Well, usually what happened is that's a depressed area economically. And so what, what the, what somebody did was say, Hey, if we open a casino, it might give some life to this area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be jobs, people will come, it'll be a destination. So that's how it's kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Granted permission for that one off casino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like them. I went and don't tell me I haven't tried the one that you want me to go on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've been on a bunch. This is like when I go, I don't want to go camping. Well, you gotta go. I don't want to go. I've been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why somebody goes, I can like just accept that we don't have the same interests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta go on this cruise line. No. No I don't. I've been. I've been on a bunch. I don't want to do it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never had- I know people that are like, I follow this band around, that kind of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when it's here, you can definitely hear, by the way. You can hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, wait, wait, look, look, look. Look, so I wanna understand how fully talked you are. So, look at the screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might not, you know, he might not have made them, but there's definitely someone else there. It's either that or like you said, he layered in audio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a really big squirrel. It's so cute. It's really big. Can you do this with squirrels? You shouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever you can get out in wilderness, they can get it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, life is tough for a lot of people. You know what I mean? That's a, that's a rough life. You don't see that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was very cool. Very cool effect. Yeah. Sexy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think you're right. I think we've actually seen this guy before when he didn't have veneers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't have great teeth before. He might have actually had a tooth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like that and he was all fired up and he had like a tooth. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That cuts off. My favorite TikToks of all are the ones that just stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish we knew the full story here. Don't try to hook up with Tony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a really nice size. Yeah, it is. I wish that was my dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that this person is clearly, feels a little bit like, oh, are you sending me negative vibes? Well, I'm gonna keep doing what I do. That's what I like about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uh, that's pretty cool. That's why the TikTok platform was created. Yeah. Something like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe because the other person seems like a kid or a kid adjacent. And then this guy should have a mortgage and things to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't like it. I know. Yea, I know. Alright, what do we got here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I'd be so scared of you. Was he super scared?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here it is, and in honor of National Coconut Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so we hit, hit the, the topics to hit are the weekend, the weather, uhm, that it, that it's good, uhm, and that, that we have to work on Monday, and that the weekend's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is very true. Yeah, uhm, general uplifting vibe is what I'm getting this session.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, another part of that video were shoutouts. Do we, is there anything I should shout out? Or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and just general shoutouts it sounds like for, for having a good, a good weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of information to take in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good point, it's a very dangerous day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, and then what I do is I'm like, no, the thing is, I don't, I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As well as, uh, I'll help you to pull out of, of any kind of weirdness, and it goes ahead. This is my helmet, it's made of brass, bronze, and silver. This one connects me to the divine, the enlightened. Uhm, you know, I mean, as soon as I open it, my chakras are aligned, that's why I wear armor. The only way to, uh, to, uh, uhm, the only way to, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really like to take something down. No, why? Because it's so fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't really wanna do that. I don't wanna do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got Cholo fans. I do? Yea, they were heating me up. Hey homes, tell Tom to bring you back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That had to be, do you remember that first show back? I remember it, like, like, I'll never forget it, Joey Diaz. You did it with him? Yea, he was like, look, I know you don't got no money, stop having pride. I was scared to do comedy, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like reprogram. I was put into another world. I was like, I wasn't, I didn't want no one around. I was like, how many people gonna be there? He's like 500. I was like, what the fuck? Where was it? It was at the Brea Improv. Okay. And I ain't gonna lie, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prison fucked me up as far as like, I haven't even talked to a black person in three years, and then I was still like, tripping, like if these fools don't laugh, I'll stab them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How bad? Cause like I was bombing for the first like six minutes. Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's such a joey thing to do. And I'm bombing, but he's laughing. Oh, he's loving it. Yeaah. And then, like how you said, something came up on me and I was just like, you know what? You don't have material, make fun of the crowd. And I just started making fun of the crowd and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A joke came that I made fun of the crowd. Like, there's like a little, I have like a little autistic fool that lives in my head. He's like, try this one, try that one, try that one. And like, it was like, oh shit, I finally read the one and boom, it went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a stripper when she's trying to get a dance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but you don't- Have you seen girls break down trying to get- Homie, I've seen girls cry. Because no one wants them. And yeah, and like, I have to explain to them, like, you gotta understand, these are weird dudes. Guys who come to strip clubs,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the regular ain't fools that get pussy. Right. It's fools that stink. Yeah. Or they're like weird or they have like an eye that don't work or something. Yeah, yeah. And that's where they're at every week. I have a customer that goes in, I know this for more than my own family. Really? For the last eight years, he comes in three days a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's married. Oh really? It's just the vibe that's in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What can I say? The stripper has a better act than all of us. They can put a front on you. Yes. Oh, vicious. Vicious. They know how to do the game. It's a game. It's basically. Straight up. Like when I go to strip clubs, I have to lie to other strippers because if I tell them I'm a DJ,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, aww, fuck this fool, he knows. He knows. I'm like, oh, I work at Don't Talk, Old Drive Thru.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I went into a strip club and this girl was like, fine, fine. She was like, look fool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I go alone sometimes, I just go alone sometimes to look the way the clubs ran. Like, oh shit, I like the way they run this. Then sometimes I'm just like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She can't barge in there and do shit. Chill the fuck out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I've been there where the wives come in. Really? Dude, it's fucking crazy. One time sisters came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so the parents died, and they left the trust fund in all their names. And this fool was drawing like $15,000 every month. And the sisters came in and they jumped the girl. And they were like, hey, you owe us $30,000. And she was like, I don't know you shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I've only done that in TJ. Those are the, uh, next level. We got jumped. You got jumped? Yeah. We, we went to TJ. I was like 20 and there was another gang there from America that we didn't get along with. Oh, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I took, my shirt was off and I'm all tattooed up and that fool was like, what the fuck? And I was like, aw shit. Where I had nut on me and shit. I got socked the fuck up. I got socked up with nut on me. What do you mean with nut on you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The strip clubs in TJ are like whorehouses. Okay. So like, I was, she was riding me and then I was gonna nut and she came off and then the condom came off and it just smeared all over me, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then you're just laying on the ground? No, like they broke it up and then my friends came and then, but you don't want a stark shit in TJ bro. Fuck no. So we just, we paid the federal, hey, here's a hundred bucks misunderstanding and. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then just got the fuck out of there. Got out of there. Crossed right over, came back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the U.S. though, right? Yeah, they were from Santana. Okay. And yeah, it was, it was, it was, it was funny too, like, we did crazier shit on the way home that I didn't want to talk about, but like, I'll never forget this trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My baby's mom, I seen her with another dude out there. On this trip? Yeaah, it was crazy. In TJ? In TJ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yeah, it was wild. It was a wild. So you're just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh, and that's why I was like fuck this shit, I'm gonna go bow in a chick tonight. Oh, I got you. And then we went in there and I was like damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She probably told those fools to follow me in there, now that I think about it. You're just putting that together right now? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking wild. She has eight kids from like six dudes. What? Yeaah. She's like, she knows more cholo's than the raiders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For real. Eight kids? Yeah. Damn. Yeah. I have custody. I'm the first one and it's weird. Like, yeah, it's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he still lives with me. 25. He's 25. Fucking bastard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn dude. You know what's crazier about that is some of his friends have stripped at the clubs I've worked at. Some of his friends? Yeah. They're like, Hey, you're Georgie's dad. I was like, you know my son? And they're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has. I've done it in response too. It's weird, now that I think about it, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I trip out, that tattoos are the thing now, like to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's lucky man, cause like if I would have seen him, I would have been like, where'd you get that? Yeah. Who gave you that? How didn't he know? Oh, Kevon D.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or like yeah, like yeah, I don't want to put too much out. Yeah, yeah, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well see the thing now, Tom is like there's so many dropouts and like there's so many


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I mean by dropout is gang members that have dropped out in their PC, protective custody, snitches, rapists, all that bullshit. I only get tattooed by people that I know are mainline, like real solid. I only get tattooed by three dudes, two dudes, and I was locked up with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's how it's done. Like, it's better than the shop. I wouldn't say that, but yea, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say you're my celly. Yea. Alright, and then I'm a tattoo artist. I'm like, yo man, get down on me, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, we would like, it would be something that you were like, we drew this for your homes, where do you want it? It'd be like, or.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some fools, it's their hustle and like they have a portfolio. Fools have been in there for 15, 20 years and they just like, oh, I got this one. No shit. Yeah, it's fine. And then you get the deodorant, put it on, slap it on. You make ink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With like, so you get like a, if you want blue ink, you get the, uh, the razors, remember the blue razors? Yeah. And you burn them in a paper bag and you let the soot rise up and then you scrape it, you put it like in a little


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Medicine thing, put a rock in there with a little water and you shake it for like two weeks and now you made ink. Woah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was living in, like, when you're in prison, you're, it's all by a point system. The more violent the crime, the more violent people you're gonna be around. So I had a very violent crime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I ended off in a three yard. That's like people doing fifteen to twenty years murderers and all, like gangster ass fools. Yeah. And in there it was like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I went to a two yard after that, my points drop, and in a two yard it's a huge dormitory, a hundred, I would say a hundred inmates living in a dorm, probably from this wall to the beginning of your office. Yeah. And,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were making tattoo guns and I was getting tattooed. I was getting the one on my leg. It's a big grim reaper. And then one of the guys goes, they're raiding the dorms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this fucking fool gets the tattoo gun and puts it up his ass. Woah. But not all the way up. Like, like, cheeked. Like right there. And like he was like, hey homie, if you want this ink, what do you want to do right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They ended up catching my homie with the fucking tattoo gun. They did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No? Is halfway done? Well, I can't find him. And it's kinda disrespect to have someone else, but I'm gonna give it like a year or two. Okay. Yeah, it's right here. Oh, I see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they search cops too and all that shit. Oh, so they're making sure that cop is doing his rounds and everything. Oh, not even rounds, bringing in dope, whatever, all that crap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Double penetration. Two dicks. Two dicks. I'll never go on stage with two mics. Taking two dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, imagine that fucking threesome where Bert, he'd be all giggly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucked a porn star once. You did? A couple times, cause we have feature night at the strip club where a porn star comes. Some fools fly in. Just to, oh wow. Cause it's, they've never seen her in person. Right, and they're like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she does like a 10 minute show on stage and they charge like 300 bucks for a lap dance. Wow. And yeah, the craziest one we had was Bridget the midget. Yeah. Dude, we got her so coked out and fuck, we had to carry her. We almost fought. It was fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you hooked up with one? Yeah, but it was weird. It was like fucking a catcher's mitt. Really? Yeah, cause it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, like, I kinda slipped, and then she's like, oh, you want, you want this? And I was like, you don't say no. Yeah. And I was like, alright, fuck it. And then like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was weird though because like, I thought I was gonna put work in, you know, and she looked at me with like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's lovely, isn't she? Dude, she's cool. I love porn stars. They have like a comedic to them, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, with me there, I don't know. I've had some fucking crazy ones too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they come as guests to show, like, I'm like, yeah, we hire them and stuff. We've had some crazy shit happen before. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or it's like they do drugs and like one of them almost OD'd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. I would love to do coke with you one day, Tom. Yeaah. I would love to do coke with you, George.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his name. It's on his ID. He's like McLeese. On his ID? Yea, Side Dick Eddie. How'd he get that name? He always hooks up with the girl that has a boyfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Yeah, cause he's like, I don't want responsibility, eh? Yeah. And, uh, he was doing coke, shrooms, acid, whatever. This fool don't fuck, Fentanyl, all that shit. And I was buying a car from Honda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so we're in there waiting and this fool just starts having convulsions and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember people looking at us, this little fool pulled out a phone and I was like, help people, I'm not lying. So I like, I threw water on him and then like, and then he just snaps out of it. And then I guess when you lose oxygen to your brain, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he was red and like he, oh it was crazy dude. This is right in front of you, obviously this is what's happening right next to you. And I still haven't signed fucking paperwork for the car yet. And like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Junior high friends were there and they were like, let's do a bump like old times. I wasn't drinking, I did a bump and he's like, see you later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the early 90s in California, a gun possession was a misdemeanor. So I really didn't care. And when in that generation, everybody was like, I've been shot at a lot in the 90s. Really? Yeah, it was active.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 357 is not like my nickname shotgun. Okay, so I used to have a sawed-off sometimes and I put it in my little trench coat and Dude, it was active and yeah, you know There's no real like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know where my future was going and shit like that. Like now I'm like nah dog, we're doing shit. And I just remember


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since I'm a gang member, they try to throw all this street terrorism, gang enhancement bullshit on you. Yeah. And then like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My family has money, so they were like, got a lawyer and then, get this full out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, do warrants expire? Yeah, I mean, uh, I think they do, like on tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet he got fucked up. No. No? I only found out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because when I was 19 or 20, I seen him at a club and he had a fucking badge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right here. And I was like, what? But it was a trip though, cause like, he already had monster ass chest hair and fucking in high school with us. And it happened my senior year and he was all buff and shit playing on the football team, fucking us up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeaah, then like later on, people were like, that fool's a fucking narc. And I was like, you're tripping dog. Cause he was playing the gangster role too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My football team, we were supposed to be so good my senior year, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the full, a lot of people from the gang I was from were on the football team and we shot somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen people being shot by modern day. Really? It's on a street called Bristol in Santana and everyone, it's like the Whittier Boulevard of Orange County. Yea. All the low riders and gang, but in my era, the 90s, it was like gang capital, it was crack. I seen people get shot over chains right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we had to play a couple, we had to play Santa Ana Valley. That shit was crazy. There was fools there with their kids on the sideline. Yeah. That's a trip to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mexicans. No. Tall ones. They were like, they thought I was Indian. I was all pissed. What the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it was a church, I was, I was there like right before COVID, like six months before COVID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, I fucked up. Really? Yea, I tried to buy coke and they gave me wrong shit. So we went looking for these fools and I was like, you know what man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a career, man. This will burn me for 80 bucks. Fuck it, eh. Like, but then like, yeah, it was, it's grimy. Hey, no, no hate to New York. No hate. It was just weird. Cause usually there's always Mexicans everywhere I'm at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we did everything, we hit Brookland and all that, but I was burnt out, it was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you watch people, do you like watching people break their leg ever since that should happen to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's insane, I can't, I wanted to show you this video I had, it was crazy. It's done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do you come up with these? You just like see them or people send them to you? They send them mostly to the email. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, what the fuck? And they're like, you stupid ass, that's Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know. I mean, he's country dog. He probably rat horses and all that shit. He's strong. Yeah, he's got a ranch and shit. Yeah. I'll fuck him up. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have been like, hey, Brianna. Oh, oh, no, what's his name? The dude was, uh. Whatever. Fuck him. Fuck him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike, I don't know. I would have been like, yo homie, check it out. So your lady doesn't have the balls to fucking tell you shit. So they paid me and she's boning fools right now, dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to change my customer service voice. Hi, yes, this is George with, uh, bad news. George with bad news. And uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. It is. You know what the best service is, my friend does? He goes on offer up and he does speed. He smokes speed and he stays up. And he goes, I'll stand at the DMV for you so you'll be the first person there. And he's there like at 5.30 in the morning smoking speed in the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, if you have things to do, I stand at the DMV line for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he puts a post on, on OfferUp. Oh, on OfferUp? Yeah. That's a good business. Dude, it's, I hate that shit. The appointments are hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, whatever. I have a problem with like TSA and cashier, like I look at them like cops. Yeah. So I'm just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't walk behind them. Like I don't, I keep like an arms length distance. Fuck all that shit. Yeah. I only got in trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, fuck all that. But I just saw that Canadian guy go like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been belittled like that before and I almost fought one time. It was like, it was at Best Buy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, I remember just like, it was in front of my kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then yeah, they kicked me out. They did. But then I did that whole, I sent, I did my white shit, I sent an email. Yeah. And they were like, gave me a little gift card, but fuck, fuck Best Buy. Yeah. I'll fuck somebody up in Best Buy. Fuck you and fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I'm scared when I fi- I was flying mostly when I was on parole. Cause when I got out of prison...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was no work for me in Cali, and I remember just being a scared little bitch. They're rude, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go to the club and you've got like the fucking stereo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I let it get all wet, like super wet, and then I just put the towel down. That's fully talked. I know!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna come? I like the word Jack, I like Jack off is so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My name is Caitlin. I am a, uh, a, uh, Shiba Inu husky mix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm looking for me a white girl with a fat ass. Serious replies only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Initial contact on a dating app usually falls on the shoulders of the men. It's us who's reaching out, trying to make that first message. And if it evolves from that and you get off the dating app and you're dating and you're in a relationship, even then still, it's the guys who starts off the day for the initial contact with, hey beautiful, hope you slept well, how was your day, had a good day, what have you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women send out more messages initially. Where's my good morning handsome? Where's my hey sexy? Where's my you up? Where's my what that mouth do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sir, if you're drinking that pink top, your wife runs your home.


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[Assistant] If you drink that pink top sir, look at me. Hey, you ought to be wearing a dress and her the britches.


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[Assistant] That was like 30. 30. Alright, we'll feature you. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Shady Rays. The company actually started because these guys were wondering why are sunglasses so expensive. So they set out to change it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Shady Rays is an independent sunglass company. They do things their own way. I actually really wear Shady Rays. They're awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like dozens of styles and looks, they have the most incredible warranty that you can have find in any company, which is if you lose them or they break, they just, no questions asked, they send you another pair. I don't know what is actually better than that.


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[Assistant] Exclusively for our listeners, Shady Rays is running their deepest deal of the season. Use the code HOUSE for 50% off two or more pairs at ShadyRays.com. Buy one, get one free. You can get two pairs for $48. Redeem only at ShadyRays.com where you can find all their newest and best shades.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a, this is a, man, that's gotta be from 20, how long ago is that?


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[Assistant] Didn't burn, didn't greasy. Didn't burn, didn't greasy. And we actually got him to reply back then. Because everybody kept hitting, like, you know, it was a smaller audience, but like, he's getting tagged in, I don't know, a hundred plus things a day. They're like, why are you saying greasy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he goes, it's coming up in some of my Kentucky charm, I think. I did not remember that. And then they did a new release of audio where he was like, greasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that one, I forget who made that one, because Ghost Crew did another one. So we had two big, greasy songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that was that one. That was this one? Yeah, this is the Ghost Crew one, this one.


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[Assistant] Well how did, she just got famous for being like hot and posting pictures, right?


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[Assistant] Oh my god, did I hate that. I hated that so much. I showed up and I was like...


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[Assistant] Is that right away they were like, there's some of the cameras like, hey man, I was like, uh, and then people are having these manufactured conversations with you. They came over like, so what's going on? Like not the way that anybody would greet you, you know, and I was like, um, yeah, I don't want to do this.


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[Assistant] We really are. Is it still on? Are there new episodes? There are.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, basketball, it's so hilarious to watch. Like NBA highlights, and then WNBA highlights, and you're like, alright, I mean I respect them, but, okay.


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[Assistant] They're like, do you wanna watch Fundamentals? And, uh.


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[Assistant] Good chess passes? Or do you want to watch fucking Alley-oop off the backboard with a tomahawk slam? You're like, oh my god.


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[Assistant] No, women's tennis is incredible.


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[Assistant] I think you're right, the American Ninja Warrior is very male-dominated.


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[Assistant] Women can do, uh, yeaah, the ice skating stuff really well. Ice skating is chicks.


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[Assistant] Here's the thing, I mean, those dudes are like fucking walking buildings. You know, they're like 6'10". Like, you don't have women that size. And then they're not only so massive, that, oh, this is a women's football league, the lingerie football league. Yeah. To watch women play. Taking it seriously, girls, huh? Yeah.


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[Assistant] That's what I'm talking about. Fuck yeaah. It's one of my favorite sports. But, uhm.


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[Assistant] That's an ass. What were we talking about before I got distracted by all that pussy up there? What was that?


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[Assistant] Oh, basketball. But also the athletic, like you don't have multiple people with 40 inch verticals in women's, it just doesn't happen.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I saw a girl on Instagram who's an Olympic lifter who weighs like 120 pounds. And she was doing unbelievable power cleans and I was like, she was tiny. I mean, just had the most incredible technique and yeah, I mean,


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[Assistant] Absolutely, but physiologically, obviously, men have certain advantages, most men, how we're built.


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[Assistant] Well yea, like, our tendons, our bones, like, the muscles, you know, naturally are bigger and made to be stronger. Yes, I agree. Most of the time.


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[Assistant] I don't think, I think he would not want to, but then he'd be like, you know, I had to, I'm sorry. And then he'd take some fuckin', like, uh, Peter Raff and put some hummus on him.


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[Assistant] I think about it like, yea, you know, when you see a woman alone, right? Like, you know.


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[Assistant] Well, that thought doesn't usually- I told you the elevator thing. I do that on elevators.


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[Assistant] When I get off an elevator, if we're getting onto a hallway, it's a, you're riding an elevator with a woman, you get off at the same floor, I immediately go, she might be scared right now. Obviously, yea, especially you. Especially at night.


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[Assistant] I'll say, I'll say something, I'll be like, oh, I'm staying, I'm staying, you want me to walk ahead of you? I'll say stuff like that, you know. Really? Yeah, yeah, because I imagine that she might be like, pre-set.


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[Assistant] Or you walk into it, you're walking into a, I remember I was walking into an apartment building one time, and it was late, and I was like, I saw the woman like see me and started to walk faster, I pulled out my keys, I was like, I live in the building too! I have keys, don't think I'm following you, you know? And then one time, one time I saw a lady get scared, so I chased her.


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[Assistant] We both got off a bus together and she was like, huh, and I was like, I'm going to run after you.


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[Assistant] You'd never have to say, don't rape.


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[Assistant] It would take a lot for, you know, Jimmy to snap your neck.


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[Assistant] That'll do it. You wanna give that a try?


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[Assistant] If you steal my kids, I think I'm pretty much on a life mission to ruin yours. Whoever does that.


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[Assistant] You just went all the way to ten, right away. We didn't even build up to it. No, stop fucking doing it!


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[Assistant] Okay, you wanna know how to snap your neck? If you keep fucking doing that.


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[Assistant] Not only do they not like the fart mic, they also don't like me talking about farts, like wanting to fart, wanting to discuss how a fart went. I don't like any of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there's a few. Do you understand what's happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I think about when I think of fingering? I always think of that guy that was on, uh, Chewy? Chewy Bravo? It was on Chelsea? Yea. And watching his porno? Yea. And he fingered that girl like so aggressively? So hard, yea. Yea. I always think of his little fingers fingering.


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[Assistant] You know what's interesting about that's gross though? You're talking about like long nails and fingering and obviously you're into your farts. You think that it's really disgusting to pick bugs and flick them. But then there's this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he says the F word so much. I like it though.


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[Assistant] He does have a lust for life, and somebody got, um, pulled this too. Somebody asked, I guess, I don't know if this chick was doing some random live about her favorite comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's actually closer. It's the best attempt at fucking up his name.


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[Assistant] I know, I've heard, I've heard every missed fucking... What do we have in here so far?


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[Assistant] I mean, when's my goal? Hey, I really want to do your show in 2026. Like, the amount of time it would take me to rehab and...


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[Assistant] It'll be someone like going to run, push off, and then they'll be like, OH MY GOD HIS LEG SHATTERED! Like, shit like that. A lot of horrible or hilarious moments.


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[Assistant] I feel like I answered the question too and people used to go like, why do you laugh at, why do you laugh at people getting, and then my, and then people who I don't know, who don't, I saw people go, this is the funniest, like they think it's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he did start another company. If you go to his, uhm, if you back up to like the search and you see his, uh, hit his Wikipedia there on the right. Scroll down, yeaah. Hit that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was going there. So, okay, executive chairman, former CEO of Men's Warehouse, yea, to 2011 when he was ousted. Uhm, and then, what's his, what's his, uh, I know he had another company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I read back then that he was like, I'm going to come. Like he said something like there's come in every jacket. I swear to God.


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[Assistant] Alright, speaking of come, we have a guest here and uhm, why don't we take a quick break and we'll be back with our great guest just a moment.


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[Assistant] Support for today's episode comes from Manscape. Manscape has the right tools to get the job done quickly, safely, and hygienically. Father's Day is just around the corner, and you probably need a gift for a hairy dad.


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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get him a Manscape. Pretty cool. Manscape is the only men's brand dedicated to below the waist grooming and their brand new shaving tools just dropped right in time for Father's Day and your dad's big old dick and balls. The Lawn Mower 4.0 trimmer is now available in the USA and Canada.


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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. It's dad bod season. Time to get smooth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back with our guest. He's an absolutely hilarious comedian. You may have seen his specials on Netflix, the Tennessee Kid and the greatest average American, Nate Bargazzi is here. Alright. Thank you.


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[Assistant] And also, even if you go into chicken somewhat prepared, someone goes,


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[Assistant] I wanna ask you something about having a magician dad. But two things. First of all, did you go as a kid, did you have a point where you were like, this is awesome? And then a few years later you were like, this is not cool?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you actually as a child, cause you know the main thing people learn is like you don't ask a magician how do you do that and they're not going to tell you. But if you're the child of one, I mean do you get to have those conversations? Like show me how to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if he would, uh, if he gets the, um, cause I watched that in and of itself, the Derek DelGaudio thing on Hulu, and then I podcasted with him, and of course I didn't ask him like, show me, you know, tell me how you did that. I asked him more like, how did you even come up with a concept


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To try this, you know, we had those conversations. But there's some shit in there that I'm like, man, I wish I fucking knew how somebody does this.


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[Assistant] I bet you know this one. Tell me if you know. You know, I'm not asking you to tell me, but have you done or seen the trick where you, you know, like sign something and then in the end it's in your wallet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I guess like, so, like, uh, with like, you're saying like watching him try things, a magician, like, comes up with a concept, a trick, and then they just have to spend hours and hours trying to master the trick. So that's what you would see at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can think of a, of an entire decade with exactly that math. It's like, oh, we can do it. Yeah. Cause look, I'm doing Omaha and then I got Houston and then yeah, we can go ahead and do that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but your wife is super into your comedy?


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[Assistant] So fast. He also said it like, that would be cool if she did. I don't know if you picked up on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, did we talk? Oh, I forgot I didn't talk to you. Yeah, yeah. Cause he was, yeah, he was just like, you know, out of nowhere, he goes, you know how Nate's a lot like Hitler? I was like, hold on, man. What? He was like, let me tell you. I was like, you just related him to, and then, you know, he gave his analogy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually have a Vanderbilt shirt underneath this. Yep. What's the argument? His argument was that everyone thinks of Hitler in Germany. He was actually born in Austria. And that Nate is a big fan of Vanderbilt University, but he didn't go there. Just like that. Just like Hitler.


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[Assistant] Can't even walk. That would be pretty cool. Yea. And then you can just park them where you want, put the brakes on, you know? Yea. Like a stroller. She's not going anywhere. Like a little fuck stroller, you just put the brakes on. Oh my.


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[Assistant] I was just talking about this yesterday doing a show and I was like, yeah, uh, if they're not like energetic, there's going to be no energy in the room because I'm not bringing any to the stage.


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[Assistant] My favorite is when people try to give, you probably get some type of note where they'll be like, you know, it was really like, I enjoyed it, but it's like starts real, it's like a slow burn. I'm like, yeah, that's by design. I'm not coming out guns blazing. I get them in my rhythm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how would you, would you just burn like a not as high value joke?


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[Assistant] That's the worst, too, is when you got a good one, you're like, oh, I'll use it here to get them on board. And it just doesn't land, and you're like, fuck, I just wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are the undertakers of comedy. I just realized too that you, you, because we're similar, you are actually doing the stand-up that, like, my family wishes I would do. They would, like, all they ever tell me, like, my mom would be like, you are funny, but your mind, you are a porno mind.


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[Assistant] Uh, because you absolutely murder. I mean, you're so funny. And uh, yea, you don't have to do any of the gross, cheap stuff that we do.


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[Assistant] I mean, it's great, but it's, it's what I always, when, when people ask about, you know,


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[Assistant] Ultimately, like, why do you say this? I go, look, it's not more complicated than this. I do, I go up there and I say what I think is funny. That's what you're seeing. You're seeing me tell you what I think is funny. And that's what most comedians are doing. Like Nate's up there presenting to you what he thinks is funny. It's different people's sense of humor, you know?


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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And whenever you do me the favor of putting the theragun on and getting the neck and shoulder area, I mean, I just, I pass out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one is as strong as the Theragun. Like, you can't mimic this level of, like,


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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's, I mean, to me it sounds like, it sounds like so challenging. Maybe because I'm saying it from my- But you're a dirtbag.


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[Assistant] You get your head down, you be in your own world. You get a lot of laughs off of a different register of your voice too. Like, like it's like a comment on what you're saying and that gets huge. Like, I mean, it's, it's obviously like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you do a register thing, you know, your voice like will change. It sounds like a throwaway is what I'm saying. Like you'll do and all of a sudden, like the lay person might be like, oh, you just like, I know it's a joke, you know, but it, I love watching it, man.


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[Assistant] I think that you know, you and Jim are just great.


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[Assistant] I can tell when I finally get, like, I did, it was the, I've been doing this new hour, trying to figure it out. Yeah. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This weekend I did eight shows, or this past weekend. On the seventh show, I started resting my foot on either the stool, the bar stool, like the little leg, you know, there, or the monitor in the front. And that's when I know I'm like, oh, I'm actually getting loose with it. Because other than that, I'll basically stand. People have told me, like, why don't you move more? I'm like, cause I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel like that era comic, it was about like, you need to kill this whole time. You know what I mean? Now it's like, do your comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you still need to kill. You do need to, especially if you're putting on a big show, but I'm saying I feel like those guys were like you need to kill more like every set. And I don't think that everyone's mentality is that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll let it, when you hear about it, you hear about it. That'd be so crazy if like, you ended up dead, and then, and like Nate did it, and I was like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. What you got this week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how we describe our comedy, dude. How about the next tour? I'm not running, but I'm still killing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you would just kill an animal. Just go out there and just axe a dog's head off, and we'd be like, hey, come on. Besides that, I didn't see this coming, for sure. Don't kill Bitsy though, okay? I got it, she's dead already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they brought my parents to the last


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last tour they came to a show, but I was real worried about my mom seeing it, especially because I had a lot of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only way you can see the show. But that's not how you want your parents to experience your show. Like yeaah, they were basically checked out, like blacked out drunk, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know this person sat next to us? And then, you know, and then I said I'm your dad and they, you know, like that's what they report.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should be like socializing with people at the show. Hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, somebody at the pharmacy's a fan, I told him you'd come by. And I'm like, to the pharmacy? So he'll like set up meet and greets, like in public. He's like, yeah, we'll go there, we'll go to this coffee place, they like you there too. I'm like, alright, cool man, we're doing the rounds. You gotta go make the rounds. Yeah, making the rounds with your dad. Yeah, that's fun. Uhm, is this a thing, this is a clip here, what is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's talking shit. Yeah. It'd be crazy if you were like, they were like, Hey, uh, we got something for you to do today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is pretty rad. Uhm, what is this here? This is, uh, supposed to see what I'm-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A truck driving over a bridge? Uh, uh, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just so blown away, it's the worst thing I've ever seen in my folder. This.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's proud of it. Uhm, look at this, this, this is something we watched before but I want to show it to you. Check this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's actually, that's actually a healthy outlet is to be like, you know, bothered or have some, something that is, you know, disturbing your equilibrium in some way and going like, I'm going to tell a joke about it. Like that's a healthy outlet for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? As opposed to like, whatever, screaming about it or you know. Yeah, I do that too. Yeah, sure, punch the wall sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what is your, is your approach, I know this is like a fuckin', you know, NPR style question, but I do wonder this, like, to, to doing a bit or a new joke, do you, do you actually write things out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The difference is, I feel like, I feel the panic, but at least now I feel like it's familiar. That's what I tell people. So I go, I feel the same panic, oh my god, but I also remember that I felt that last time and the time before. So you're just like, okay, it's a familiar panic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I always hated those shows too because you do the club with your best stuff and you go with that guy to that weird open mic and you're like, I'm just gonna do what you just saw at the club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the math of an hour of like making it something and knowing that there has to be some kind of rhythm, like a peak in a valley and like, you know, if you're having a story that the story


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always heard that thing that I think it was a Seinfeld thing and I was like, I completely disagree. The idea that like, you don't go, they suck. What are we talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then to be like, no, that's on you. Like, no, it's not. It's definitely not on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I hit the stage like too aggro or something, and then people, you see them, like, your energy is, you're like, oh, I'm coming at this like, you know what I mean, like too aggressively or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's all part of learning it, man. Yeah. Yeah, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just sit in it. That's like fear based. You know, cause there is a, fear is a big thing on stage. And sometimes you're like, I'm just, it'll be better if I don't talk about this. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll light somebody up, you know, on the wrong night, sometimes pretty hard. But I mean, you know, we've been doing this a long time. What did I do recently? I really went aggro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, yeaah. No, I was thinking of a stand-up show I did where this guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Front row and as I walk up, I'm like putting my water on the stool and he's like, yeah, here we go. And I was like, Hey man, this is not going to last long for you at all. And he was like, okay, okay. And then I saw that he was hammered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he lasted like two and a half minutes. He was, he was shitfaced. Yea. I mean, he was shitfaced, you know, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, uhm, I did use different words. Like I did, I did get pretty aggressive. But also, while I was talking about this with Jeff Tate, is that sometimes if you get really aggro with like someone like that in the crowd, you're doing it sometimes because you feel like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're kinda like, cool. But if it's a kind of venue where they're like, yeah, we don't really do that, we don't have people for that, then you feel like, well, I'm defending the whole thing. And then you tend to, or I tend to be more aggressive on that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My two year old says god fucking dammit. Because his dad does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hit my cousins one in the jaw and one in the head with a baseball bat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it was just funny how it happened because it was on the same swing. So I went up to, there was a tee, you know, and I went up and when I, I just swung it back and hit my cousin in the head and didn't realize that I had and then swung forward and my other cousin walked in front and I hit him in the jaw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was the same swing, I fucked them both at their house. Oh my gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's a pretty active area. It was an active area and it was a, I got, I was so embarrassed that I did it, that I just like cried and ran home. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I ran home and I, my parents, so we lived two houses down from them. So I, I, I'm running home and they're like, where are you going? And I was like, I killed, you know, I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I tried to tell them, I was like, I hit them with a bat, and they're like, what? And then I finally come, when I came back to the house, they brought me back, they had ice pack on this one, ice pack on this one, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love how Vandy you are. I love it. This episode is brought to you by our partner, whoop!


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[Assistant] With the code YOURMOM. Go to whoop.com and use code YOURMOM at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. Know yourself with personalized recovery strain and sleep insights from Whoop.


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[Assistant] So are you going to bus for this tour? So we should say it because this comes out in a couple weeks, but like you're going on a big tour, uhm, with a bus.


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[Assistant] Bus is the shit, man. You put your life on the bus and you don't have to worry about anything, which is great. And then, uhm, you're doing, I'm assuming, just like a huge...


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[Assistant] It makes me want to fucking kill somebody. I mean, you know, I'm like, I don't, I'm not going to announce 20 months of dates at once. This is the first, and then right away they're like, why not New York? Because it's in the next fucking announcement. That's why.


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[Assistant] You get that with specials too, they'll be like, I didn't like this one, I like the other one.


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[Assistant] Also, also the giveaway that I have never seen not fail is the person.


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[Assistant] It's a joke, it's never- Yeah, yeah. I know, I can't do the like-


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[Assistant] I will write an amazing one when you're dead. Like, my... You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] Also, but also I want to make another point. I say something to her even like a little bit in that lane of like appreciation. Right away she'll be like,


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[Assistant] I'm like, no. They'll tell me, no, give the finger to the camera. I'm like, I don't want to. And they're like, why? I'm like, cause I don't want to.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then, uh, yeah, then we hung out at the Ryman and then we hung out at that outdoor awful Rose Bowl show. Yeah.


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[Assistant] But we are friends. We do, we text. But I'm saying now it's gonna be, you guys are gonna be... I actually, and here's the thing, I feel like I'm pretty good at this. I can watch a special.


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[Assistant] I'm a lot closer to you. I'm a lot closer to you. So that's a shorter flight.


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[Assistant] So much fun. It's so much more fun. I, I meet a lot of, you know, people, I'm sure you have too, they're like, what? And it's all, you know, they only care about NFL. Like, why do you like, I'm like, I can't, I'm not going to explain it to you.


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[Assistant] And then I'll find out, a lot of times it's northeastern people, typically. Oh, it's all New York. They don't even cut the games. And you're like, yeah, I know why you don't like, cause there's no good team around you.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Why is it so big in the south? Cause they're awesome at it. Like cause they dominate.


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[Assistant] For a while, I think I probably have... You'd lose it. When you get older...


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[Assistant] Epic. Epic. I remember when you almost beat Florida like a year or two, a couple seasons ago.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Earl Vinnie got robbed of the- Jesus! Hey, you know what? Go ahead and hit her pretty hard in the head.


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[Assistant] It's okay. That is a crazy growl.


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[Assistant] I feel like this guy could only work retail, basically.


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[Assistant] He could definitely be a warehouse guy. They love it, dude. I mean...


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[Assistant] This one, I gotta tell you, right off, like, I see what you're saying with, you know, can I be your best friend? I don't wanna be his friend.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so I was thinking too, he didn't tag someone's name, and he also is publicly posting it, right? It's a public post.


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[Assistant] The boss of bosses is talking to you, you horse-faced motherfucker.


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[Assistant] You know? He said, haha, funny.


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[Assistant] You think that because you have a rational mind. This is an unstable. Yeah, I see it all the time. And you're like, I think they're kind of embracing the fake it till you make like, I'm gonna act like, you know, I'm an influencer or something. It's super sad though.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, I don't mean that you think that, but do people ever go like, you know, I thought you were, uh, standoffish or, you know, intimidating.


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[Assistant] He took that to the boat too for sure. He's great at it. His boat's called like, you know, the tip or something like that.


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[Assistant] You think someone's telling me like, you don't have to say fuck that much though. Like you can just use it sometimes.


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[Assistant] So this is the angle. Yeah, this angle, his thing is like, he's doing like a personal message, but it's really, you know, like you're the lady who's like, oh, this is how I treat you.


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[Assistant] Isn't that great? He heard a question. I mean, he just improv that. That's pretty.


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[Assistant] That's legit, man. And she should be a little more appreciative if I could say something.


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[Assistant] I mean, this is the only position he can breathe in.


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[Assistant] N-nursing, like here's a private comedy show, we have some talent staying here at the


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[Assistant] Let me go up there and just lex on them. Some guy goes up there and does like a song where he like whistles through his hand like that's his talent. Just rip him apart. We just destroy him. He kills himself the next day.


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[Assistant] We get so much like, like the A level puss at the nursing home.


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[Assistant] So, make sure you check out Nate Bargatzi on tour. All the tickets are at natebargatzi.com. Uh, they're on sale now. Make sure you go see him. He's an amazing comedian. Watch his specials on Netflix. Listen to the podcast also. Yeah, Nate, the Nate Land podcast. Nate Land podcast.


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[Assistant] No, a lot of people will check it out, for sure. Uhm, and uh, yeaah, thanks for coming in man, this was a lot of fun.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this is very cool. It's fun seeing you. Uh, closing song is coming up in May, the Hen Dog remix. We'll see you guys next week.


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[Assistant] I just picked all these cucumbers today. Cucumbers? So I guess I'm gonna be making pickles.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, this is actually one of the healthiest specimens I think we've ever featured. I mean, just look at them.


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[Assistant] I would take a diet, I mean I'm trying to lower my, for my vaccine weight. I would listen to everything this guy says.


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[Assistant] I think it would have been from the last time. Let me figure out what the name is and let you know.


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[Assistant] You know what I'm seeing here that I didn't notice before? I think it's the fact that he's wearing, uh, boots. He can't bend the ankles, and then that's fucking up the entire land.


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[Assistant] I think I remember it being, uh, being an opiate was the big thing.


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[Assistant] Tired and addled and panicked when your baby cries. So I was like, I just gotta go get juju.


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[Assistant] And there was a light on, but it wasn't bright enough.


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[Assistant] No, I don't want to waste that time. Juju's probably upset because Juju had been sick right before I left.


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[Assistant] And yeaah, I get down the first flight.


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[Assistant] And there's a second flight, and I, and I, my brain has blocked it out, but somewhere between, like, somewhere on the second...


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[Assistant] I made it on the first, I'd successfully gotten by them, and then next thing I know I just kutukutukutukunk, and I was like, oh, I come too, and I don't feel any.


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[Assistant] And I put my arm up, I'm like, just fucking help me up, I can't get up. And the look on your face?


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[Assistant] And then they take us to the, the ER, which I mean was so fast, thank God.


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[Assistant] Same, they were so nice. Now all I remember is when we get to the ER.


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[Assistant] And then this, the, the doctor came in and then he's like, uh, yeah, so.


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[Assistant] Yeah. So then they come back and they go, we're going to reset your bones. We're going to give you ketamine. And what is it? Profolololol?


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[Assistant] Uh, but they're, they're nice because they're like, we don't normally see nice people like you. Remember the guy was like, you see like homeless people, they don't thank us. Yeah.


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[Assistant] And then they're like, here, eat some crackers. You ready to get on crutches?


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[Assistant] You were the best nurse, I have to say, the absolute best nurse, and I think watching you go through this,


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[Assistant] That I uh, I really think that having watched you go through it is what kept me calm and chill and why I'm in such good spirits now. Cause I'm like, oh.


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[Assistant] One, the only advantage you had over my injuries, the only thing is that you got to piss in bed.


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[Assistant] That's the only thing that bums me out is I have to put the boot on, get on the scoot scoot or crutches and then go up. That sucks.


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[Assistant] Well, I was scared when they, they prescribed me oxy, oxycodone.