[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've been on a, I know a lot of billionaires, and to the best of my knowledge, I never saw one wearing a fucking pair of jeans. Not one!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are making the mistake, you're trying to make a difference first. Because that's politically correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe with all my heart, and I just told Brian this is an announcement, an exclusive, that political correctness is a manifestation of lack of fucking self-esteem! Because you're all cunts!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of your top top free pieces. It is. Show me your friends and I'll show you your future. You wanna know why you're all fucked up? Just look at the fucking bums you hang around with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just take Florida for example, which is one of the fastest growing condominium beachfront condominiums on the planet. In the prospectus, when you invest, there should be, in the footnotes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now one single investment prospectus written since 2000- this century has alluded to global warming. Now one motherfucker!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love it. Just got off work a while ago, having a, checking you out on Take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A month? You're thinking a month? Really? I have my check in on first one tomorrow and then the other one on Friday. So I'll know tomorrow if it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's not going to take much energy to beat him. You just have to back him up. Well, I mean, you just have to back him up. He doesn't know how to play basketball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if it would be money. Isn't it more fun if we did something, you know, like work related where I have to do something, you know, for you or vice versa?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know a lot about spreadsheets? And contracts? Conference calls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we'll think something more fun. It can't just be reversal of roles. It's gotta be like, just complete humiliation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shot it here, in Austin. Oh, you did? Yeah, at the Creek in the Cave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She would, they got to a point where she couldn't walk and she would sit there and she would, we were sitting, we were playing games at like her dining room table and she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my aunt Ru goes, alright Gertie, alright, knowing she's not going to make tea, right? Two minutes later, who wants, I think I'll make some tea. And auntie Ru is like, alright Gert, we'll be fine. No one needs any tea right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she goes, I'd like to make some tea. And I go, you know what? I'll have some tea. Just thinking, like see what Gertie pulls. And she just did this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, this is just like my mom's, my mom's mom was 86, her sister was 100, her other sister was 98, her brother was 99. Wow. So you got a shot. And then 102. You got a shot. Yeah, I got a shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were alright. Yeaah. They get a little spunky when you get a little later in life. Like when Auntie Ru, I mean when Auntie Lil turned 100, I interviewed her on camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I asked her like, what do you think love is? What do you think life is about? What is friendship to you? She gave me all these beautiful insights and then she, and the walker, she like walks me out. I was home visiting from LA and it was a courtyard and I go, look at that nice little courtyard. It was like an old age home. She was, yeah, that's all right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, what do you do out there? She goes, nah, last week we had a clam bake. And I go, how was that? And she goes, bad lobster. And I go, oh, lobster's nice. And she stops and she goes, yeah, wouldn't you believe some people took two lobsters?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like I don't have a buddy to do like a, like a trim, then I'm just like out in the wild and you're like fuck. I just let it rip dude. If something comes up. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I used to just like, meet people. You used to just meet people. And now you're swiping? And I'm, and I crush in the wild. In the wild? Really? Oh, I'm unbelievable out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, no. And I go, you gotta go Rayos. That's what you gotta be. Always. Like, what do you mess with this other stuff? She's like, nah, I don't know. And I go, alright, well, it's up to you. And then I went to check out and I forgot something in another aisle, so I run back and I see her and in her barrel, or in her carriage, she had the Rayos. And I go, see what I'm talking about? There you go. That's where it's at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's really called Rayos. Let me tell you something. Do you guys not know about Rayos? No, I've bought it many times. It's good sauce. But it's a restaurant on 118th street in Harlem. And when they opened, they were up there in Harlem and they couldn't get business. You know what I mean? So they started selling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that you can, why is it, I said this last night on stage, like you can, I say like this joke where I'm like, I'm trying to be a good white, but you'd never say a black, you'd never be like, yeah, so you know, this white came over, you wouldn't say. No, you could. Yeah, I know, you just did, and uh, I liked it, and I appreciated it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, you guys would have Tuesday nights the first of the month. Those are yours. That's your table. No money's exchanged, everyone's on an account. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I always wanted to go there and then my ex's friends, uncle,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the table. Frank Pellegrino. No, on the restaurant. Oh, on the restaurant? Yeah. And she, when she called us one night in New York, and she's like, do you guys want to go to Rao's? And we're like, yeah. It was like 9.30. She's like, all right, I'll order for us. Meet me there. We, three of us sat at a two top next to the kitchen while the whole restaurant, like her uncle's dancing with two elite models, six foot models to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the moon hits you. It was like mafia. And then he sat at the table with us, pass clothing, smoking cigarettes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just telling us how, like, his voic- his voicemails, like, Gwyneth Paltrow would be like, I'm gonna be in town. He turned away Madonna and A-Rod one night, they came in, he's like, sorry, like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He confirms that, yea. You know, there's one thing I've learned in dating CP and you tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women just love it when you just make a plan and you're like boom boom boom boom boom and they're just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like, hey, do you want to go out sometime? You go, hey, do you want to go out Tuesday night around 8? I was thinking, and you name a restaurant, and they're like, holy shit, this guy has thought it out. And then they'll be like, you want me to make a rez? And you're like, no, I got one. You know, I got a two top inside, I got one outside too. Okay, what do you need?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get so, everyone is putting out the ultimate version of themselves. You know what I mean? It's like, you went to Egypt once. Show me, show me what it's like when you're out of bread and you want to make a breakfast sandwich. What are you working with? You gonna make, can you bring a, almost,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stale bagel back to life. That's, that's what I want to know. So wait, what is your profile like? So do you put out the, I put out, I got one picture of me in the AGNC. No, I'm just kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but I also like, don't like any women who don't write something about themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's meet and let's talk and let's figure it out because let's be straight up. Some women, I would be like, yo, I'll change everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, if it's the right person, you know what I mean? At the same time, I'm like, you know, when you're bouncing back from a divorce, you're like, you're starting your life over again. So there's certain things I'm like, well, I want to get these things in line before I like bring someone into my life. And I also am not introducing anyone to my kids unless I know this is someone I really want to be with. Serious. Yeah. I don't just, you know, so everything depends on the person, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, but then at the same time, when you're a dude with two kids and someone's like, I like to travel, you're like, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I will say this, if I see a woman with a, in an art museum, I'm intrigued. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there's only one, and it's a known artist, like known by you went through eighth grade, I'm not turned on. But if you're in an art museum and you're in front of like a dega, and then you also have a picture of like architecture, and then maybe you in a field somewhere, I'm like alright, you're artsy, you're cool, you're unique.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My kids do. Super fun. My dad used to take me fishing actually when I was really little, back when I would see him. And I think that might have a tie to it too, because I stopped seeing him and I was like, oh, we used to like sit on the banks of this man-made lake, the town over from me. You know what I mean? And I'm like, fuck fishing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, YouTube. Interesting, yeaah. He's dead now. Here comes Chris, man. Can you just go pop in the bathroom before the Eucharist and just drop one for him? He's a sweetie, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, you don't think that woman's out there that's like, mhm, same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, like, especially when you're, you know, I'm older, so then you might date older women that are also divorced, and they're just kinda like, yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's just kinda like, hey, we know the deal. You know what I mean? I have kids, you have kids. It's almost like this unwritten thing. You're like, you know how much time I have. You know, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but I've never, I think it takes a little while still, you know, you still, you still want to have some like, you know, figure things out about people and especially if you're looking for something serious, you would probably wait a little while I would think because you want to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, life interesting, you know, and like build towards something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll put it this way, I watch you guys and how comfortable and you guys are able to talk about stuff that I have like never imagined ever like talking like that. You guys, you guys talk about your exes, how you bang, Tom talks about, yeah, you know what I mean? You guys are nasty. You know what I mean? Sometimes I'm like, they don't even sound like they're together. It sounds like you live two separate lives. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? We weren't poor, but we did not have money. You know, we weren't poor, but we didn't have money. So like, it was this weird dynamic of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so you know what my philosophy on washcloths is? It exfoliates. I don't use one, but like that's what it does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I never did. You know what I did use? I never got zits and St. Ives. You know that like apricot stuff? Yeah, I use that to this day. Yeah, and my sisters would use that and that's what I would use and I never had acne. Really? Yeah. And uh, I was like, I always attributed to that. But there were louvres around. I never got into that either. Louvres? Louvres? Louvres? What do you call it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think after the first marriage I started doing a ton of work on myself. I mean I had always been, but now I do a ton and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I think so. I think like, uh, you know what I was gonna, I was thinking about you guys listening to the pod, that you guys ever talk, cause you were saying you like to give gifts. I think it was on like, uh, the Tom Pop episode. Yeah, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the love language you ever break though? Cause that's something I never got into. And then when I got divorced, Daniel Van Kirk was like, dude, are you into love language? And I go, I know nothing about it. And I started looking him up and one is gift giving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, you also, not only do you have ways that you want to be loved, but you have ways that you want to love others. To express love, yeaah. And you, for gift giving, that might be your thing and not hers. Yeaah, that's true. Yeaah, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My ex was a really good gift giver. I was never, I'm not, I'm okay but I was never into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a test you can take a test, you know, there's like an actual test. You should do it. I bet, I bet it's, cause I think it's good to know. Uhm, you know what I did for a gift this year with my kids for Christmas? Like, I always go with them to pick out a gift for their mom, and then she'll get a gift with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was just like, I just really wanted something I wanted cause this year was her house at Christmas and I wanted to have something to do the whole time that I was there. So we were at the store and I picked out a book that I wanted on, on,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Words of affirmation, quality of time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just would love to see you guys, if you had to go to couples therapy, like, why I try to give them a dick touch every day. Oh, okay. Let me write that down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got crazy teeth issues, like teeth. Really? Oh I know, no thank you, I do have great teeth, but my uncle was my dentist as a kid, and he would fill our cavities, no novocaine, nothing. What? Why? I don't know!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tuffing you up? Tuffing you up! And I talked to a dentist about that and they're like, yeah, a lot of dentists used to do that because they didn't, you know, you don't, you don't ultimately need it. And I was like, pfft. Yeah you do. So every time I go to the dentist now. Yeah you kinda do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. You know, but I will say, I was, when growing up, I played soccer and baseball. I played baseball through college, soccer through high school. Never played basketball, like organized, but I played with my friends and I'd always win in two and two. And I would just like, when I hit a basket, I'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, I just have to like use sensitive toothpaste. I've got like, I've had root canals. Yo, I had a root canal go bad. No. Go bad. And sat through an entire play with my ex and I'm like, I think this is, and then I had to go to the ER that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something, it broke. They put one in and it broke or something happened and it broke and I'm telling you I was like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was broken, they gave me painkillers. I took the painkillers, they didn't work. So I was at the play, like going through level 9, 10 pain, and then afterwards I had to go to the ER, and then they, and I sat in the ER for three hours. Sickler came and sat with me for like an hour and a half, and then he's like, I gotta get up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was just like horrible. But they put me under. For that one? Yea. Like under under? Oh yea, out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, I think I'm a fun dude. There is nothing more fun about me than when I'm coming out of being put under. I CRUSHED. I was with my ex, we're in an elevator, there's an old lady, I'm like, how you doing? And my ex is dying laughing, I could do that all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ruptured my achilles last year. Last year you did? IBF?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought I got hit in the- I thought something- I thought like a ball came over and hit me. Cause like, I fell down and I go, oh what's that? And I go to get back up and my foot was like, no. And my two buddies were like lifting me up and I go, what? And I go, oh my god, I go, we gotta go right now, we gotta go right now. I knew immediately. You go to the emergency room?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so I got home, my buddies were like, yeah, you should ice it, you'll be fine. And I go, I think something's wrong. And then I called my doctor and I was like, I think something's wrong. And I went in, cause I didn't tear it completely. I ruptured it, so it's like a half tear. And then I went in, they're like, yeah, you know, it's ruptured. That's, dude, that's a long recovery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't do the surgery. Oh really? So when you rupture you can either get the surgery where they cut it completely and then sew it or you can just go right into a cast and it heals itself. It does heal itself? Heals itself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in a full cast for a month straight of like a hard cast and then a boot for like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I couldn't drive, it was my right foot, so I couldn't drive for two months, so I got a, I got a Vesper scooter, electric.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's how I would take the kids to school. We'd go crutches on the seat, me, river, reed, backpack on me and just cruising around. People's reaction was either like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's a Vespa. Right. So it's a long seat. So I would sit all the way in the back, River would go there, and my son would sit right up front, and we're just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We would, uh, the farthest we went, we had to take Reed to, like, he skateboards at the time at this, like, skate park in, uh, on Jefferson and Culver City, and that was like, that was a solid, like, six miles, maybe. Okay. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean the biggest street I was taking was Centinella, but like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh bro, I'll tell you, the one I got, it's 100% electric, you plug it in, 35 miles for the charge, I take them, we just be in the house and I go-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, anybody want to go for a cruise? And they're like, yup. Yup. We go around. They, so now I do it with my son where like he holds on and I just keep my hands back here and he works. Send me this link as soon as the gas is. Break is right here. Break right there. They love it. Send me the link right away. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you know what happened? I bounced out of the boot early because I got COVID and my son got COVID so I was in the house for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A week straight, just the two of us, so I didn't put the boot on. And then I was like, oh, I don't really need the boot. But what I didn't know, or I didn't pay attention to, is like there was a wedge to keep your foot like this, so the Achilles, so it can heel tighter. So mine isn't as tight. So the guy's like, I go, so what's gonna happen? He's like, well, you're not gonna be dunking. I'm like, dude, I couldn't dunk before. I go, can I golf? Can I play tennis? Can I run? He's like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing a 5k with my son in May. There you go. So we're gonna, you know, do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know why the guy wants to also give you the option? Cause no surgeon wants you to not get the surgery. They're getting paid by the surgery. So when the guy was telling me, he's like, I recommend the surgery, but you can not, I go, well, what, what's the recovery? He goes, it's the same. And I go, well, what do people say? And he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, studies have shown that it's like, just as beneficial, and I'm like, well then just, I go, I can leave here today in the cast? He's like, yeah, I'm like, yeah, do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, that's crazy. I get a boy integral. My boy is like the most zen master non-boy things you'd ever imagine. Really? Yea. Walks to the breakfast table reading a book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yea. Brushes his teeth reading a book. Jesus. Loves reading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not sports, not really his thing, you know, and that's why I like, I, we're encouraging him to run because he likes to run. Like he can just run. Like we did two miles together and he talked the whole time like, bro, I can't talk back, dude. I'm gassed. And he just got that young, I'm nine years old. My body, you could run for days. And your girl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I love it. Style choices and- That chick goes to, she'll like, we go to a play and then she's like, you wanna go for sushi? We walk for sushi. She's, she's insane. Uhm, yeaah, she's pretty rad. But, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, I just, they just did this fitness challenge at school and like, so I volunteered and I'm running like the blocks part of this track and you run around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My daughter, coming at me, first time around, seeing me, she just goes, can we get ice cream tonight? And I'm like, we'll figure it out, get moving. Then I come back to the school three hours later for his class, he's coming around, first thing, can we do a double feature tonight? Like, watch two movies, and I'm like, just go bro, I don't know what time we're gonna have. They're crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I, when I have the kids, I just pick them up as early as I can from school, and then they just come home, whereas they normally go to aftercare, you know, and they just know, I'm like, I'm just around, I'll get up early at five to do my work so that they can, when, when I pick them up from school,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can just have them in the afternoon and we can zipline, we can, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go for scooter rides. We do their homework. I do homework with them. I'm always going over their homework, you know, so you're good dad. Yeah. Cause that's all I really wanted. You know what I mean? Like I wanted that from a young age, but now like we've like built a strong base and now I've told them like, all right, I just can't be around a ton, but we, I, you know, I'm still around a ton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you do get that time when you are divorced that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, half the time I can't be with them, you know what I mean? So that's when you build your shit. Oh yea, the day after they leave is tough. You know, you gotta build that time in to get your work done when you're not with them, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it does. You know, uhm, but I will say, my ex is pretty rad and we get along well, so like when she's with them, I have dinner over there and I just Vesper over there. I remember one morning, my daughter said to me, my daughter said to me, she said, you know, if I was a boy, dad, I said, yeah, she goes, I'd only want to ride Vespers with you. And I was like, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I got that thing, he goes, I'll never forget my dad had a Vespa when I was growing up in San Francisco and he would take all the kids in the neighborhoods for rides. Like I've taken every one of my friends kids for rides and they all are like, can we go for a ride in the Vespa? Can we go? And I'm always like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One day I was taking my daughter and her friend for a ride on the Vespa and we went to their, their school, the elementary school and the gate was unlocked and we went onto the campus and we're just like cruising around the campus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much do you think those kids talk about? When I show up at school they're all like, Jay! Because they're like the Zvezpa guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's rad, but it's not from, I mean, you know, I'm femme, but that's a little, uh, I wouldn't want that full time. No, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you don't take it on the, I don't take it on the highway. The busiest street I would take it on is Centinella and I just, you do all back roads. That's all you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to have a trainer that was African and like, I remember we like had a session on a Monday and I go, how was your week? And he's like, good man, I bought a goat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's not impressive? Is that no water came gushing out after you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do it at the gym, you know, like I have it, and so I started at 10 minutes and then started to try to work my way up. What happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what I will say, you know, like David Goggins says, like when you get exhausted and you're working out, you're really at 60%. I think it's the same with, I think we think, especially in America, that you need to eat so much more because we just feed it, but you really don't. So I don't think she's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell ya, I did uh, I did date this one woman who like, was very healthy and in amazing shape and like, she would cook for me once in a while and when she would cook for me I'd be like, holy, I can't even, if I ate like this all the time, I would just be shredded and diesel and it felt so good, you finish eating and you just feel like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. My son's like that. He does not eat a ton. He's like, and there's, and he'll literally just go, I think I'm good. Yeaah. And you're like, oh, yeaah, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what this is? This is bad parent, this is, this is not having a strong, I mean, I don't know what this is, but she's very pretty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my buddy's daughter, to this day, she goes, remember when you got so scared of that snake? I went, shut the fuck up, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she's scared to, this woman probably is, or the artist was like, don't you folk could tell me blah blah blah. And then she's like, oh let me retract, I'm afraid, I'm scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What haircut guys? You don't go get a normal, this is, this would be like, let me get a mohawk for the first time. This isn't like, oh let me get a cut, I can't wait to get a new cut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can go to a restaurant and have a bad experience and they can still, I mean you don't have to bounce them on, on Yelp and shit on them and take them down, but you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, they ruined, they ruined, I mean that's. That's your face. That's your face man. That is your face. That's your face. If I had bad dental work you'd be hearing about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. But is this like a cultural thing where she's like, I know my role and he gets to have a second wife and that's just part of it, but I get all the money?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I try to put as much up over there as I can. Past stand-up, new stand-up, sketches that I shoot, direct, write.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, but I don't know, wait, so hold up, so you could just diarrhea in the shower? No, not cock-ass. It's a cleaning place though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also want to write a book called, I am not a chef, and then in parenthesis, I'm also not an author or cookbook. But uhm, yeaah, I know, I wanted to call on Netflix to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, to me it's like it's like the way it's moving in that direction and I had a long talk with Schultz about it who's like changed my career. I love you Andrew Schultz. Uhm, but, uh, he just said it's more visibility and right now that's where I'm doing theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, most people are supposed to stay awake, but I have no drug tolerance, because I don't do drugs, so they gave me two Valium and an Ambien, and I was out. Perfect. I know. I think that they were like, he's a New York gay, we better...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They take the, so uhm, I had to watch it on YouTube because I don't remember my own surgery. But uhm, I, whatever Michael Jackson did, like, Propethol or whatever. Yeah, Propethol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, some kind of chemical that keeps it alive. And then they draw dots on your forehead, and then they literally, like a plant, they just plant it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's interesting because a lot of people ask that question, are you in pain? It's not painful, but it is very delicate. That is what I will say. It's like there's a whole, I mean they give you a very strict list of things you have to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, all the grafts that they put in fall out. Okay. And then you just go back to looking like how you did before the surgery. Okay. And then, like a chia pet, it starts growing in, like chit-chat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like I'm like looking at it now, it's just, you know what it's done, it's, it's giving me some confidence, uh, with men, like if I'm in bed with a man and he tries touching my hair before, it's like, yeah, you know, but now I feel,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to Miami in, uh, January when my hair was already coming in and I put my head under and went like that and didn't have to think about it. And I was like, you know what? I've worked hard. I've been doing stand-up for 13 years. I've worked hard enough. I finally started making money a year ago. This is something I've been thinking about and I want to do it and I'm very happy that I did it. I love that. It looks great, man. It looks great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell, but I tell everyone, my friend Trana Wintour was a great comic in Montreal. She was like, why are you telling people? And I was like, I can't not. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like, I think people associate Botox with like the real housewives who get so much that they're like that. And so they, that's where the bad connotation comes with Botox. But in reality, I'm like, I'm just doing it so I don't look tired when I'm on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, ugh, I'm not. No, he didn't even know who I was, which is also great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I was like, I have three days, I'm gonna go, I'll just come visit you, so I got tickets, but then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I had to come back the next day, so I had 24 hours in Mexico with him. And I will say, Mexicans, everyone was Mexican in the, uh, the gate, were so calm. I was blown away. If that happened in Italy, do you understand that that airport would burn to the ground? Italians fight about everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and my dad's Irish, so I'm a mess. I'm the trifecta of Catholicism. That is, that's a lot of Catholic. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, it's, it's strange because like I, I guess I didn't know what to expect architecturally or vibe wise and it just felt so like, uhm, it kind of reminded me of Sicily a little bit. Really? Yeah, in the way of how people move and talk and food is really good and everything feels, I don't know, I, I had such a good time. We had really, really good food. Of course, Mexican food is good. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said to everyone, everyone told me not to drink the water, so I just drank bottled water but I was fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause my dad's not Italian, my dad, uh, you know, I think he was blown away by my mother's family, cause I grew up on the same block as my first like 20 cousins. But uhm, no, I learned Italian going back to Sicily to stay with my family for like the summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was 15, you just go and then no one speaks English, so you just come back and you're like, buongiorno mamma, allora senti, you know? So now I speak fluent Italian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I usually go to Rome because I have a bunch of comedian friends in Rome who are at Family Comics. Francesco Di Carlo and Daniele Gattano and Salverio and, uh, great comics. Look them up and they also are great dishes to eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, yeaah, I, I go back, I'm going back for two weeks this summer and I'm gonna like film stuff and, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're very extreme, I think, uhm, but they're great, yeaah, they're very warm people, but they loved, I mean, the art, I was in Naples, I don't know if you guys have been to Naples, and uhm, they're like, I've never seen a city like this, it was the most insane,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I can't even describe it. At one point we're in our cab, the cab driver only speaks Naboletano, which I can't speak. I only speak Italian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I kept saying to him like, anyway, so he stops in the middle of the street. There's traffic everywhere. In the middle of the street rolls down his window just to fight with another cab driver. And I'm like, we're going to die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you try to, I mean, you know, you want a clean house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it might be like a streak or two, but it's not like full blown. Well, that's not true. My friend, Nick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you just a little bit, you wait two seconds and then you sit in the toilet and you just do that until it comes out clean and then, you know, shower and wash your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I mean, it could be a whole day. I mean, it just depends. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's like a second. No, you don't really, you don't feel it. I mean, you know, it's not like gallons. It's like, you know, that, you don't need that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh that's, I mean that gets, that's a lot. You can just trim it, just use like manscape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not. No, no, no, no, no. If you wash it real clean, you're good. Yea, I'm gonna wash myself. You're good to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yeaah, I don't know how that works with straight couples. I guess whatever makes you guys feel the most confident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe on your back, because it is just the easiest. After all the hours of work you've done cleaning your ass, you're like, I wanna lay down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once, a guy that I have sex with, uh, he's a, he's a friend of mine, but like a, uh, an actual fuck buddy, like the buddy part, it's not like they come over and you're like, get out, you know, um, he, he's a great guy, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well not anymore, he lives in Chicago, but like every blue moon I'd go to Chicago and be like, hey girl. And uhm, but yeaah, last time he was like, he's like, I'm a little embarrassed. He's like, I can't get hard right now. And I was like, that Mike, that's honestly, I was tired. And I was like, that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I think when I'm really comfortable with somebody, then it becomes easier for me, but like, generally speaking, I don't know, I prefer bottoming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I never had sex with a woman. The last girlfriend I had, her name was Francesca. She's married now with a pitbull. And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but no, I never had sex with a girl. I mean it was, you know, I was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, in my, my 94 Buick in the parking lot at Michael's in Rolling Meadows, Illinois, uhm, yeaah, it didn't get hard. But she's great, we're still friends, she laughs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, wow, okay, Spanish Harlem. There's a great tortilla place over there. Robert?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh sure, like Craigslist or Manhunter and all that stuff and like the early aughts and uh, yeaah. Now I think everything has sort of been, like, sort of solidified into Grindr, like the apps, you know, you can go on the apps. There's an app called, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it called? It's not Grindr, it's not Scruff, it's called like- Scruff? No, it's called like Smush- oh fuck, my friend Jacob would know what it is. Anyways, it's for people who just want- like there's no conversation, cause on Grindr you can still converse, you know what I mean? Like- No conversation. This one's just like, I'm in this bathroom at Macy's- That's what I'm talking about. My ass is us, and here's like, they give you the map.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm too neurotic, you know what I mean? But there is, I mean that sounds fun. Good for them. Yeaah. Seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm neurotic even ordering coffee, so you know what I mean, I can't imagine, but uhm, yeah, I always support anyone in their sexual escapades.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, who cares? SCIs grow up. Please, who gives a shit? The times I've had gonorrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what, I will say, uhm, to both of our credit, we were having a rough time, so, uh, it's not that it's understandable he cheated on me, but I was like, yeah, we weren't, we weren't happy at that time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I just wish he was honest, like if he was honest. But we ended up becoming friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh sure. But I haven't, you know, to be honest with you, I have not been out to like gay bars in a long time. I just do stand up. Like it's so funny cause like, yes, I'm obviously very gay, but my whole life, if I'm not touring, I'm at the cellar doing, you know, three spots and I'm hanging with Keith Robinson. That old man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good, we basically dated during the pandemic. We had dinner like every single night, and yeah, we were supposed to go to the opera to go the other day, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Is he a fan? Uhm, not particularly. I used to sing opera, but uhm. You sang opera? Oh yeah. Wow. I was a very serious singer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. And I was a bass, you would think I was like a tenor, my voice was like super low. Oh wow. So when I would sing, it was like, yeaaah, like just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always liked singing but when I was 15 I started singing and my teacher was, I had a teacher named Tim Heck who was a great teacher and he was like I think you should study the voice and there was a great teacher named Nick Falco who taught me opera and it's a lot of it's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why my voice, I never lose my voice on the road. Oh, tell me. Because I have such a good control of breath and my diaphragm and like how I speak. So you know that you project from here. Every time I talk my stomach is going in. Oh, that's how you do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did it above, uhm, their, uh, Anthony and Sons, I think is the name of the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I'm so, what's funny is like being like, I'm so gay, you know what I mean? But then like once, but I still know how to move about an Italian family, which could be intimidating to anybody else, right? They're like very big and just fuck this guy, you know? And I'm just like, hey, okay, va bene. And then you're like in. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They dressed me up like Mariah Carey and had me rollerblade around like the, the uhm, music video fantasy. It's online somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a lot of Mexican talk shows are the same. It's usually hosted, like a show is like hosted by a woman in her early hundreds with like a rough like beef jerky voice like Buongiorno, oggi ce l'abbiamo, you know, Raffaella. And then someone's like crying about cancer and then minutes later there's just naked women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No. I was 19 when I lost my virginity. Yeah, that's up there. Yeah. I came out when I was 18. I went to art school. Where'd you go to art school? School, the Art Institute of Chicago. Okay. I was a painter and then I worked as a storyboard artist for TV commercials and fashion illustrations for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you know, he had like a very like Queen's way of talking and he was so nice and he also spoke Italian so we had sex and then talked about whether we liked Fantasia Barrino better or Jennifer Hudson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would sneak into gay bars. You'd get like a fake ID. And the first place I went to was a place called Hydrate in Chicago. And you have to remember, I- I'm s-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just, being gay, like what, 2000 and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but, you know, it can be overwhelming, I think, at first. Yea, but now, you know, it's like seven year olds doing makeup tutorials on YouTube and it's like, okay, like, the exposure is so... It's gone. Yea, yea, it's like, there's not a lot of mystery anymore, which is good. Yea, it is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kill if my local bank said they loved gays, cause I was, I mean I had Maleficent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over here. Mark, it's enough. And how much money do you think he has?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only thing that could save this entire look is if he was smoking like a Virginia Slim. And then I would be like, you go, girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You better work. The more I look at him, the more I kinda like him. He's super nice. He is really really nice. This is like, if Dennis, what was that, what's the actor's name? Dennis the Manish? No, uhm, what's his name? He's from Parent Trap, he played the dad from Lindsay Lohan, Parent Trap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, maybe if it was on a yacht I could probably look past that haircut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's just weird to want to look like a four year old from 1974, like a Sears photo, family photo, and then from the forehead down, just, you're, uh, you're not that. I'm trying to be nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look. Yeah. I'll probably become that. You know what I mean? Like I find a look that cements me like, and then I just never let it go. Click that photo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is absolutely the smartest one in the world. Yeah, Beckham is a hottie. I love Victoria Beckham. I love their relationship. He got hair plugs. Oh yeah, no question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I follow Victoria on uhm, Instagram and she's very, they're very cute together and she's always like pushing her makeup line and stuff and uh, they really love their kids. I think their oldest son's like a soccer player. They just seem like a nice family. Sweet, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that's the new trend now, buckle fat removal is the fat here. They go in and they cut it out. So you have like a caved in. So you have like a caved in face. And I'm like, should I get buckle fat removal? No, I shouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is this on? Why do we have access to this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how much she's jerking off that he's like, by the way, my nonna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like, obviously this man's doing nothing else with his life. That is the standard now. It's so normal to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it is? I'm just on the precipice of becoming this. So it's like, my life can go in two ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not to really nerd out, eh, one is in Trastevere, a place called Ziumberto, and it's called Bucatina Madrișana, and it is guanciale, which is this part of the pig, sauteed in red sauce with pecorino romano cheese and bucatini, and the way they make it there, I mean, it, I go there four times a week when I'm in Rome. It's unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the other one would be Carbonara from Luciano, which is in Campo di Fiore in Rome, and this guy named Luciano.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just sitting back here by the fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you need a new mattress? Go to sotva.com slash the shit now for two hundred dollars off the next purchase of your sotva mattress. It's the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, yeah, this song was fantastic. What a great blast from the past. First of all, you know what I love about you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love about this hat, I love Zarface. Shout out to the boys of Zarface who are, you know, mommies indeed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he, just so you guys know, he hasn't told me what he's done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeah, cause the blood on your nose and on your eye is a little concerning. Should we go to the hospital? I feel like we shouldn't film today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are like third degree burns on your face, sweetie. It's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but if you don't get them treated, they blister and you could really mess your skin up, sweetie. We should probably go to the hospital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom's a commodity, guys. Without him, there is no your mom's house. Like, somebody fucking take care of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe he said it like that. He's a professional broadcaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like such a great dating show and back then it was just word of like the person, the girl would tell her side, the guy would tell their side. It was really easy and really great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know it's, yea, if you don't know this about Tommy is that you love love. You actually are very sweet and like when we used to watch Patty Stanger's show and there was a love matchmaker. I would look over at you and you would have your hands folded on your chest smiling. Like thank you Patty. And we were like, that's a thank you Patty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, one time I went on a date with a dude and it was like, I should have known better, but I didn't, where I'd planned like a whole day of activity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting, but I still had to go through with the activity and then he was like trying to hold my hand and I was like, oh, fuck off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] $5 taco. Gross. Pretty crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the worst is like, uhm, hold on. Okay, the worst is when they can hear you scratching. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they don't see that, so they must be not checked into your whole vibe, like you're not vibing, but they think you're vibing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my, it is crippling. I hated it. Like just getting ready. Do you know what this person's about? They're gonna come get you. You gotta get to know them. The pressure of like, do I French them? Do I not French? Uuuh, I hate it. I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even with you, I liked, I liked you so much. I liked you though. I'm glad we're still together and we're not dating other people right now. Right now. Right now. We're keeping our relationship close. We're not falling yet. Right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so did you like that? Because I know today, I mean, there's this whole- Is that like what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and you look terrible. You should be in the hospital not recording this podcast right now. So listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of chicks probably listening want to know, did you like it when the woman pursued you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like every guy's dream, isn't that what dudes want? You chick, shut up, chick, just fuck. I thought that's what all guys dream about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forgot to wear a deodorant today and I'm sweating from that story. It makes me so uncomfortable to hear you talk about begging other chicks. I know we joke about being poly and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would be so profoundly unhappy if we were swingers or threesomes. Like I would fucking melt. You would have to put me in a mental institution. If I saw you fucking another woman, like, no, I'm just saying, can I tell you why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who was like, yeah, I totally have a threesome with my husband. And I was like, what? What? One of your friends?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, wait, fucking what, dude? Like, are you crazy? It wouldn't make you jealous? She's like, no, not at all. I'm like, wow, that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would fucking murder that stupid bitch, though, the other girl in the three-way. I'd be like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, or being poly anymore, we've done it enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That might, is my deodorant here? Oh my god, give it to me, I'm dying, I'm sweating, I'm laughing too hard. This might be the greatest clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they work all the time. Oh my god. This is the exact brand. Thank you. And this is the exact smell. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's the, oh my god, smell how good this smells, just first of all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He liked that, I liked that she works, but too much working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She worked too long, and then I come home, there's no dinner, house is dirty, I, no, no, she doesn't bring me beer, bring me something. And American women fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they don't look, they don't age well. So he likes, he's like the Asian ladies, Chinese good, Filipino good, they age well, they stay skinny, nice and skinny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, eh, eh, eh, well in, especially in Europe, I mean, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad did marry, uhm. It's time that we bring back that shaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. My third mom, is this my third or my fourth mom? I think my fourth mom. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether it be in Nigeria or the Philippines, you can find the love of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Young 28 year old soulmates just waiting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if I were this guy, well let me just think. Well I like- I like Asian, like Chinese maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know much about the Filipino culture, honestly, do you? But where would you go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm a lonely white guy, I would go to Brazil. I like that language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, because I don't get jealous. I wouldn't be jealous of another guy banging me. That's a dream come true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Why is this logic not making sense to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the reverse? Me and another girl is too too too loaded for me. I would be out of my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you're getting. No, this is not my style of goth. I'm traditional. I'm a trad goth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, hold on, hold on. Aww, look how cute he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. What do you mean no? Now there's all these fucking stupid rules? Yeah, but you okay with your dick grinding against another guy's dick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How are you gonna interview somebody? Who are you comfortable with to DP me with?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am letting you, I'm asking you a very practical question. Who can we find?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you'd be willing to DP me with. There's a lot of variables here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised I, oh, let's do some, nice segue here. Guys, are you in Biloxi, Mississippi?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Donia Beach! Ding Donia Beach. November 2nd and 3rd. Donia Beach at the Improv. And that's it for this year. I will be announcing my tour for next year shortly. Excite and amaze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Berlin, you know, I love Berlin. Yeah. Hopefully this time in Budapest, you'll have an easier time of it. You should hook up with our friends there, my friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you're talking. You're talking about a professional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, I don't know. I'm gonna have to think about it now. Think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool, thanks. Is that what you want from me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh? You fucking slut? Is that what you're gonna say to me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having a three-way with Rocco Soffredi, he is just a jackhammer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've already discussed twins. Everybody wants to fuck twins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be so hard. I wonder, but I wonder if he bangs like that in real life. Or if that's just the porno version, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe not Rocko then. I changed my mind. He's too aggressive, babe. He's gonna hurt me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised I haven't had a threesome. I feel like my twenties were such a disaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I could have had some boyfriend easily talk me into some just destructive, emotionally traumatizing sexual experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, you know, my twenties were so dysfunctional. Like you make so many bad decisions. That's, that easily probably could have happened. I was such a retard. It's an entire decade of retardery. Like you just make horrendous fucking choices.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised you can survive those, that decade, it's so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin', can I tell you, I'll tell you the stupidest shit I did in my twenties. Okay. And I'm so like, ugh, I'm so embarrassed and ashamed even. Okay. Like, oh my god, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't wanna say it. I told you I spit on some girl at a party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I was, I thought she'd hooked up with my, my on again off again boyfriend. And they fucking threatened to beat her ass at this party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I spit on her when she left. She left the party because I was threatening her. And then when she was walking away, I hung out the window and I fucking spit on this chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still to this day denies, but there was evidence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found, I'll just tell you, I found a pair of panties next to his bed that did not belong to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, but that was a party house, in all fairness. It was, it was THE party house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I still spit on this chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's okay, she got really fat. So that was cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm happy. Like, she was cute, and I didn't want her to be cute anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never threatened? Well, I know one time you did, cause somebody insulted your mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Era, era, is like you graduate from college, and you're like, I have this degree, what the fuck do I do with my li-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Life, yeaah. And then same thing, even though I'd grown up in LA, I remember these wilderness years of like, what do I do? Do I go to law school? I was unemployed one time for like, it felt like three months, and the same thing, I draw the blinds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every day, wake up, lay to shit, play- I played Puzzle Bobble. That was my video game of choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hours. Until 5pm when Roger Lodge came on with Blind Date. That's the only thing that stopped me from playing Puzzle Bobble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was that thing too of like, how do I get out of this? I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know. I don't, I don't know what I want to be. Maybe I'll go to law school. Maybe I'll take the LSAT. I started studying for the LSAT.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took the LSAT, I got into law school, I hated that, I dropped out of that, it was like, just chaos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took a job at like a bar, and then I started working at a bar at nights, and then I was like, okay, I'll get an agent, I'll audition for stuff, then I auditioned for things, that kinda did, just do anything when you're in that state, right? Just do something, get a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then yeaah, he kinda showed you what, what the next step is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too for about three years. And then when I was 26, I started Tangier. And then all you guys came into my world, full charge and you and Ryan and all that crew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I was living with a guy at the time and I was still in this darkness and I remember what girls do is they, we throw our energy into the other person instead of like focusing on ourselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, I'm gonna fix him. He's, and then you're like, Oh God. When you learn that that's not the way out either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, cause that guy ain't going to solve my fucking problem. My problems are in there. Oh my goodness. Yeah. What a dark time. It's just the worst time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, I think the 40s are good. 30s, like by your mid-30s you've got shit figured out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe not everybody, but I feel like we were on our way. Like once we had our first child, I was 38.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, then you just get a sense of calmness, like when you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you police department. Here he gets it. He gets it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is hilarious. This is so controversial in eerie news now. I cannot believe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mark is, is providing this hard-hitting news. I think Mark is the one who's got the, the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy. Eerie. Eerie's fired up at you, Tom. The community is, is just completely frothing at the mouth over you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're so funny. I just want to say that I am a huge, I've been a huge fan of you for so long. Thank you, I appreciate that. You're Stavibaby. I call you Stavibaby. Is it Stavibaby or Stavibaby? Stavibaby on Instagram. Stavibaby2. I have been a long time admirer of your Instagram. Thank you so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, bad boy poses, like you'd always have a finger in the mouth. I'm like, oh no, not me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that really lended itself to something special with the diaper and the toothless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a wonderful lesson in turning your, quote, your weakness into your strength. And that's always the greatest thing is when you can take the thing that you've been maybe made fun of in life or whatever and flip it and make it yours. It's just charisma. And people wanna fuck fat people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it is a confidence issue, it's also like, maybe, I don't know, my first sexual dream was about John Goodman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So interesting, is that why maybe like, you know the whole thing where a guy is married to like a hot chick or is with a hot chick and then he bangs like a total pig?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's got a huge one. You're right, when he gets leverage, and that is his move is the one leg up, which actually makes it less, it's less attractive. It's less aesthetically appealing when a man puts his leg up. It's disgusting. It's such a gross angle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so he got me in the sense of like, he really does know how to connect to women. He knows how to talk to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He shared very per- like, you know, whatever details about his life with me very quickly, and I was like, oh, Rocco's like a really sweet guy, so I see how he can do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what about the pitch? Like, it's like, I just wanna, I really, like, how does he reverse the pitch so that it's positive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure, for sure. And can I tell you what I really dislike? What I really hate are his horrible fake chompers. Yeaah, the bottom. Cause it's all, it's that one brick of teeth. Yeaah, it's a tough look. It's what's it called? It's a tough look. It's the perfect smile. Yeaah, it's like a perfect smile. I don't like that. The dentures scare me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's- That's a bad, that's an offensive one. The yellow is just too yellow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it always that you want, do men want thick cum? Is that a desirable thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's, that's also like- Like do you even think about the consistency of your comp?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think it's a claw, like a durag type of thing, but not the durag material.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's tied it and it's like a pirate scarf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you're gonna be thinking of who I'd fuck if I have to pick a cool guy. I think it's him. Hold on!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's go through this. Let's go through it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unshine is as endearing and sweet as he is. I don't think he's lucid enough to actually make me cum. Like, I don't think he's there enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? He's got a point. Okay, cause here's the deal, man. As long as he's, if he can maintain interaction and just lay still, maybe I can do the work. Sure. You could back yourself in though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh sorry. So we gotta go through this. So Leo, like, here's the deal man, I think anatomically it would be difficult to have sex with him because his belly is so big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was 18, my dad took me to a Native American casino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I'm starting to think now because I just started telling that story to people and I'm starting to think that's kind of where this journey started for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we were, like, I turned 18 and he's like, oh, Yelled, let me take you to the casino. I was like, oh, okay, I'm down. And so we play blackjack and I, at one point I'm up 700 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I go right down to zero, and then my dad let me go to the ATM two more times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he did not stop, he had no point, is he like, hey, that's probably too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got, he took me to like a place to get like a pedicure. And so like you start with a pedicure and then they're like alright and now like lie down on this thing where it's just, everything's just separated by like cloth curtains. Uhm, but like I could still kinda see him from across the room. And so at one point they start like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then at one point I could only describe it that they just start uppercutting me in my butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, I just start laughing because I'm like, I don't know how to politely ask him to stop doing this. And so I look over at my dad to see what he's doing, and he's just passed out snoring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, after the massage, I asked him, I'm like, do they always uppercut you? Cause they're doing the same thing to him, but he's passed out. I'm like, do they do that every massage where they uppercut your asshole? And he's like, Sue, he's like, they do what? Oh, he didn't even know that they do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did? Where'd he get hit? You can see the other car. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanted to get a job being creative. And I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the hardest thing for me is that I love people so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, it is very hard to, uhm. She's a nurse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Engage with people in a real and honest way. Because they want? Because they either want something from me. Or they want something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or they see me as something that I simply am not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Told how wonderful they are all day. Don't worry. And kissed and, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris Hemsworth, you can find his exercise routine. It's not the kind of thing that someone who is not being paid to be pure muscle could do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's black. Yeah. So, he's got that. Only half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only thing I'll say against me is that I was, when I played, I was known


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With my friends and who I played with as a point card. Like that was my position. So I would pass. Like I'm a really good passer. Gotcha. So as someone backing someone in, well, I think I can easily do that to you. You know, this isn't a passing game. No, it's one on one. It's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I am cleared. I am gonna start tr- I was shooting free throws over the weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey mommies, we updated our channel memberships.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, Jean, please buy my lipstick. If you haven't already, we just restocked all the way from Italy. These have been selling out so quickly and we just got the shipment in, so go ahead and get- this is my camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's quite a conundrum. But, jeez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna do what? Be discreet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? I drank three beers last night, and I am fully R worded today. And by the way,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I feel like this guy today. And I imagine he drinks more than three beers every night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would, I would guess as well drug abuse. I'm gonna put meth in there. Cause these were super skinny. Cause usually just alcoholics, aren't they fat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've gotten all prepared. Is that, when I was drinking the beer, I was like, this is so filling. It's like drinking a milkshake and I had three of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also I was thinking about it, if you love to get drunk, like it's so inefficient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like one time he and his friend Willie, who's now dead, drank 75 beers between the two of them in Miami. And it's one of my father's proudest achievements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, he was so stoked that he could achieve that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I just find it to be inefficient. I like to get drunk fast and with as little amount of alcohol as possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this is why it's good to start drinking early.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 16 to 18 because I learned those lessons of alcohol so early that by the time I was in college, I was like, I ain't messing with whiskey. I'm not messing with tequila. I'd already puked and like done the fun stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beer blow dis- I feel like a disaster today, cause I had beer and pizza last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like pills, I like to get low. Actually, I think heroin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like those downers. Like I just want to be anesthetized. Totally put me out. I love Xanax. I love like Fentanyl was great. And they gave it to me for my ankle. I was like, this is heaven. I love downers. I love it. Me too. But you just said you were into PCP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel so rested. The best nap I ever took was before they harvested my eggs for IVF. You know, or that surgery or whatever. And you're like, oh my God, this feels amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I had a really good, and both of us did, uhm, finally we got to check out the comedy Mothership.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's incredible. Everything is utter perfection. And it's because he's been a comic for so many years. And finally, one of us has made a club so he knows, I mean, the detail, even what I love is the main stage, the fat man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right behind the curtain where the performer, you wait as a performer to go out on stage, you part the curtains and you go out. He even put a chair behind that curtain just in a cubby so that you're alone to collect your thoughts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think too, it's just been lovely for us to have a community again, which we, you know, we've all lost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the, you know what it's so, it's everything down to every detail. He even has the waitresses that are so skilled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, Hitler's. I'm listening to all- to you all talk about people eating their boogers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking shit. Okay, well hold on. You know what just occurred to me as well? He is only interested in guys taking his shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, SBC Global, I didn't know they still have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you know what's really cool about him too is that he sees no shame in that. Like he will list that amongst, I love bird watching, I love taking care of my nieces and nephews, and I like shame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Move him to Austin and then bring him in and be like, tell us about the shit that you heard this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy, a friend who sends you shit audio. It's kind of rad, I mean I, I can't, I can't argue with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in fact, he's waddled to him from all over America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't take shit. But you know why? Cause these people, they're junkies and they're vices. So he knows how to handle the addicts because they-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But so, and also like, you forget when you're that heavy, to lose that first 50 that he's requiring literally means don't drink soda for these folks and like, just don't eat garbage. You can have regular food, but that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To change your life, are you gonna change your life? Are you just gonna go back to the same awful habits?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it is hard to go the distance and sustain. So hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I love that he talks, I wish Dr. Now was in every field of everything. Like the Jewish therapist was like him, he's like, shut up, get over it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the would upset me so much about the dietary restriction. So at one point we were eating in a restaurant and the waitress goes, oh, are you allergic to these things? And he was like, no. Well, he paused.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you something. When I first started eating Korean food in Los Angeles, I would eat the hot ass soup, I would eat the bibimbap, I would eat all, and I would get flaming hot diarrhea about an hour later. Okay? But you know what I did? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're such savages, but so much fun. I think our boys are a litmus test for like, can you handle life or not? Like you come over, they'll jump on you, they'll fuck with you, and if you put them in their plot and you push back on them and you alpha them, then they respect you, but if you don't,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fantastic. So Zolo is the youngest member, baby Zolo of our tribe, and I love watching him eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How old are you now? You're 21. 23. Too old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but this kid was 14 years old and I loved watching him just house plates of food and we would go out and last night I was like, he gets his own pizza at the teenager just cause I wanted to see how far and we got him like a deep dish pepperoni.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's rad. It's rad cause like, I can't, you can't do that anymore as a middle-aged person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you had two dinners a night as a teenager and it was totally fine. And then for lunch I would have like a Frito pie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Twenty-two is when I was eating McDonald's once a day and I was gaining weight for the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, oh, I can't do this anymore. And if you don't shift out of that way of eating,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, cause it's interesting, I've grown up trash, and then now we're not, I'm not garbage anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what is class? Is it treating people with respect?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe that was just a west thing. Remember? Okay, google them. There were like shitty cotton, and then the sole was just hard plastic. Maybe this was just a west coast thing. Like kung fu shoes, but they were white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I had a bit of a trashy one. This might just be, so have you, I don't know if you guys have also branched off into Euro trash, because my family is Eastern European garbage, and here's a very foreigner trash thing. Royal Dansk cookie tins that become trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Cause my friend sent it to you and I love it on you. It smells really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what's interesting is he goes deep. He goes deep. It's not enough to just hear the video, I wanna know what you ate, where you shit, what goes into it, who you are as a person, I'm looking for friends. Like, it's so bizarre, cause usually in sexual fetish, it's depersonalized, but he really takes it to a new level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the spots are different. The leopard's got the circle around the, around the dot. That's a leopard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm unsure because that thing looks super fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We learned that one of them was super fast because of their, their hind hips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care. Here's the thing, just growing up, I just didn't care. And now I care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I think- He looks really fast. And I'm only- shit. That's a leopard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a cheetah. Cause look at those haunches. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm such garbage, uhm, the, the horrible most of the frozen dinners. Budget gourmet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so fancy growing up that I still feel like that's a premium product that I don't deserve in my life, so I won't buy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. And those were premium when I was a kid, so I feel like my kids are really living now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, Tom has a very secret white trash inclination.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The off brand Hawaiian Punch is known as Tahitian Treat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I got in on academic probation, they only let me take 12 units the first semester. Yikes. Barely. I didn't crack a thousand on my SATs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love beer battered for a beer battered fries. I hate beer battered onion rings more than life. I fucking hate beer battered. Wait, I like the hard ones, like the shitty ones from Carl's Jr. That's not beer battered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the problem with Sizzler is that the steak in All You Can Eat Shrimp was the highlight, but it was expensive. It wasn't a cheap night out to do Sizzler's All You Can Eat Steak and Fried Shrimp. Yea, the fried shrimp were so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, so are you guys familiar with the app TikTok? Are you on there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bitch, just, like, your husband just wants to fuck other broads, so stop trying to, like, rationalize it. There's so much rationalization.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, he really wants to wrestle tonight. His back hurts, but he's still gonna do it. But he says it like this, he goes, my back hurts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this guy is doing a series of stuff like, fuck your spreadsheet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear, I've known this guy for 20 years, and we do- he's always been like, you know, I just wasn't a big dater, and then we turn on these mics and he's like, this fucking horse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he's, he's, he's like a, what's it, a rural kinda guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Davidgold7135, who doesn't look like Bill Gates. But the angle, oh, it's crazy. It is the taking of shitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips, dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch that one right here. Or maybe here. Maybe here. Maybe, ha ha ha ha. Maybe you should subscribe. That way, every time a new video gets posted, you'll be notified. Stay in the know jeans. Subscribe now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get the microphone so you can hear me while I'm talking. And now let's, let's start ringing it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I always wear socks because they help with temperature control. And then I have my head turban.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't see how I'm playing any game. I throw up constantly. I eat what I can keep down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a stupid bitch holding a baby bear. Yeaah. And the stupid bitch got bitten. Yeaah, her face got. Like a dummy. Ripped open. Fuck that dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get the idea and that's how you can have a clean but Indian style except our water is pure in America. We're lucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for me it's something that's been touching feet versus something that's been touching hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Yeah, it took years. If I watch old videos, I'm like, oh, that wasn't even Tammy. Like I've- You're building it. I've perfected it over the years for sure. What's the origin of it? Yeah, who's she based on? Well, have you ever seen the movie Monster with Charlize Theron? That's what I said the monster hair do. I took the hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think. Uhm, that one's too long. I'm trying to look at her short- Oh, play the one, uh, see where the guy's shirtless? The one to the right. Right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just did a compilation of those. Just ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I am a real Tammy. I grew up around Tammys, like, oh yeaah, I grew up in Thackerville, Oklahoma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thackerville, Oklahoma. Thackerville. It's about an hour north of Dallas. Okay. I graduated with 12 people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No stop, no stop lights. My senior year of high school though, they built the world's largest casino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's what we're known for. The world's largest? World's. Really? World's largest casino. You know, Thackerville? Thackerville, Oklahoma. Windstar Casino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that crazy? Like we didn't have like a, you know, a restaurant, a, we had one little gas station and a gravel pile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh hell no. No. No, no, no. No, no, no. Cause I played sports and we weren't allowed to party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I played basketball and softball. I played softball in college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we'd be, you know, it doesn't matter how, how you were up on the team, how important you were. It doesn't matter if you were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If even, if someone even said you were at a party or I was drinking anything, it'd be, we don't even want to know. So no, but I didn't party in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, didn't party in high school. No, went to, um, uh, college, played there. Where'd you play? I played at Mid-America Christian University in Oklahoma city. Yeah. And I was just fucking, you know, like we weren't allowed to fuck. You would get kicked out of school if you were, if you were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no. And oh my gosh, there was a girl on the basketball team that got pregnant. She got kicked out of school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, yeaah, I played there for a year and then I transferred, I was like, I gotta get out of this. Wait, how did you sneaky fuck? What was your, how did you not get caught?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just sneak him in the dorms. Sneak him in the dorms. Yeaah. I started dating my husband. God, I'd be with him 16, 17, 18. You started dating


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's been a long time, too long. Uhm, but uh, I was sneaking him in and fucking him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just risking my college career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you have a roommate? Yea, I had like four roommates. So then how did you fuck with four roommates? One was okay with it. Two were like super, super Christian, so we had to like sneak them around them. Did you let them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I've always just been, you know, I wasn't good at a Christian university type of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Southeastern Oklahoma State University, um, it's in Durant, Oklahoma and my husband actually played football there and, um, yeah, graduated there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, but I worked. My grandma lived down there, so I lived with my grandma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just worked, I had like two full time jobs going to school full time. So I didn't party then either. I feel like I'm about to be 35 and I feel like I'm just now getting into my party stage. Really? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ever. I think it's mul- I think it's multiple things. Like my parents were like meth heads growing up. Okay, that's a big contributor. That had a lot to do with it. I was like this, hell no, I'm gonna be, you know, I'm not gonna-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when I, you know, I was in my twenties and my sister was like, we gotta get you drunk. Like, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, okay, let's do it. Let's get me drunk. And I just get sick. I can't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried, yeaah, I've tried it. I've tried it. If I like order a margarita, if I have three sips, like, my skin's burning, I'm getting sick, I can't, I can't. It's not for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, no! Dude, I would find spoons and shit, you know? Like, I don't know, I know that's not me- whatever, like whatever they were doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, god, I remember being like seven or eight years old and looking around being like, oh, hell no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Oh absolutely. My dad was more of an alcoholic, but my mom, yeaah, full blown meth. Full time. Jesus. She's still alive? No, she passed away, yeaah, a few years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I, every day I'm like, what, like, what's going on? It's like, doesn't seem real. No. Not even a little bit. Yeah. All the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, I think about that all the time, every day. Every time I get paid, I'm like, what, what is this? Like, what in the world? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's com- it's comedy because I feel like the, uhm, community guidelines have just gotten so freakin' ridiculous over the last few years. In OnlyFans or? No, just on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok. I used to post some- some just funny shit, and now I can't post any.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, they tried so hard. They tried so hard. Everybody. For like a couple months they were in talks with Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Instagram just literally goes, well, uhm, we're not gonna give our page back, but here's the community guidelines, have a read over them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they would take, they would take off stuff like, I was cooking eggs once, in a pan, I just did a shot of it in a pan and put an Aerosmith song over it, they took it down for soliciting sex. It's like, so, it's like, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I started the OF and the Patreon, cause I'm like, damn, I have all these ideas that I can't post anywhere else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I think it's the place to be. We'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he kinda has that, his own thing going on. New family, new kids, cool. But he's a cool dude, which is weird, like he's very cool. I feel like I get like my sense of humor from him. Um, but yeah, we just don't talk. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, hey, hey, this is funny, how you doing? Last time I saw him at a family reunion, he asked for my autograph for his co-worker. I think this is wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's wild, dude. That's my life. Wow. I was like, okay, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it was a slow, it was a slow, uhm, process. I remember I was in college, my freshman year of college, and, you know, every time that we would see him, it was like me initiating it, me driving, me calling. And I remember I was in a freshman year of college and I thought, I wonder what would happen if I just stopped?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, how long would it take him to, to do it? And I didn't hear from him in like three years. Wow. Yeah. I was like, okay. And that's kinda how it's been since. Which is, which is fine. You know, we got taken away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From my mom and dad when I was 12. And so our grandma raised us. So it's not like, I don't feel like I'm missing anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? I'm past it for sure. And was your grandma a nice lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very, I, I was kinda raised by two, uhm, and then we'd go back and forth. One's still alive, uhm, we really don't speak with her, she's kinda difficult, a difficult person. And the other one, the, uh, amazing one, she, uhm, she passed away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How are you not a complete mess? Dude, I, I know. I know. I just think, I just, you know, like I said, I remember being little and being like, this is not gonna be my life. Absolutely not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I remember, gosh, we, I've been doing social media for almost 10 years now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the, I think, I've heard multiple things, I think a lot of the big Vine stars, like stopped posting on there because Vine wouldn't pay them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, after, after they left and stopped posting, it was up for another, I think two years and people were just not getting on it, not getting on it. Cause nobody was posting to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, no, I started on Vine and it just started, you know, as a joke because back then people weren't making a career of, of social media or nothing. And so I was just fucking around, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was working, I was working at Whole Foods in the bakery, and then I also was working at a, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At a tech company, like I was assisting techs, like, like, like, just kinda doing what they needed me to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh, yeah, I quit my nine to five, five years ago. I was like, I'm going to do this full time. Good for you. And I just went for it and it just took off. It just took off, started making money, started, you know, I was like, all right, maybe this is, this is, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, but it all com- most of it comes in already pre-frozen. So they're not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it looks like we baked it, and we did bake it there, but we didn't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh gosh. What were y'alls last nine to fives?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Oh, big time. I, uhm, worked at Sonic for eight years. I kinda actually do miss that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was made of vanilla cream coke. Sweet. I'm a big yeaah. Food wise, I'm not like, I still like, won't hardly eat it. Not that it was bad, I just ate there for eight, I'm just kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I read yesterday that the charges have been brought down lower. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, are you kidding? Absolutely, I'll wake him up with a fart to the face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, back when COVID, like, people couldn't go anywhere and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People were inside and they, they, they had this thing on the news, like, business were color coded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we were like, oh, let's do a little, um, let's do a little news, you know, thing, kind of telling everybody what, you know, she was going to fart out each color.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was gonna say what the color meant, business wise. That's awesome. So we had all these colors lined up and everything. Anyway, we go to film that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But seeing that powder come out at the angle it did, got me. It got me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, uhm, the first time I went viral, I did a video in front of a grocery store in Sanger, Texas, where I walked up, I had my friend record it, where I walked up and asked for a cigarette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, we don't, I don't have a cigarette. And I go, fuck off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You remember that? It was completely dumb. I had it in my camera roll for six months because I wasn't going to post it. I was like, this isn't really funny, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I didn't have anything to post, I was like, let me slap it up. Went like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but they're, they're, uh, they're tatted now, so they're darker now.