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[Assistant] Taking the comments. Okay, go. Taking the comments even further back. Niebzelvania episode 60. Damn. This is from El Giacomo. Am I reading that right? El Giacomo is what I say. El Giacomo. Uh, man this series is just so good. A masterpiece. Just finished watching for the third time and already ready for the fourth.


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[Assistant] Are you done? Uh, no, I'm getting a little more crazy with the comments here. This is from Subnautica, part 73, The Egg Hatches.


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[Assistant] Gangbeast. All four of us against him.


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[Assistant] We are done with comments. How's everyone's life going? Good.


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[Assistant] I am too. I will say this, when you watch the video, know how much trouble it was getting the logistics worked out with recording and being able to communicate. Two of us were in the office, Afro was at home, our fourth, our good friend


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[Assistant] Is he the one that invented that wingsuit that Coyote uses? Yeaah. He did. Yeaah. That's it. Yeaah. That's what he's most famous for. Didn't he invent the scissors? I don't know.


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[Assistant] The math works out on someone, doesn't it? This is a parachute, uh, from however long ago that would actually work because it is big enough, cause the math has to work.


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[Assistant] What are that? It's a pair of scissors with a spoon on the end of one of the things. You scoop with the spoon, twirl with your fork and then squeeze the scissor. All the excess pasta is cut off so you can eat freely without getting your chin dirty.


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[Assistant] Yeah. But now it's all in one. Now it's just boom, squeeze, eat.


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[Assistant] He does. I just find him obnoxious. I don't know. It's a personal thing. It's like when I hear it, it's just like, ugh.


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[Assistant] You know what, you know what, I have heard people play stuff like that, like as a group, and that sounds good, but a single one by itself, it's like, I don't know, it doesn't do it for me, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] All right, first comment, uh, was from Dash Geneva, uh, says, uh, I'm in Miami currently being hit by Hurricane Irma and I'm glad you guys make these videos. So amazing to watch as something so catastrophic ha-happens to me over, uh, this side.


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[Assistant] I'm glad y'all enjoy the map. It's amazing. Best regards and thank you for making amazing videos to keep me and my brother calm during the storm.


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[Assistant] Sorry to hit you up with some drama, just nice to release some stress.


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[Assistant] I'm glad you made it. Happy to be there. You know, I didn't realize, like, I saw pictures of Miami. That's a mess. No, but before, before the mess, and it's a mess, but like those big tall buildings right on the water. Oh yeah. It's alarmingly close, like I've never seen anything like that in another city before. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I saw that one picture, uh, I don't know if it was Miami, I think it was like Florence Beach, but it looked like someone posted it and it was like, this beach is now a Mario Kart track. Because it was like the road down the beach and it was just all sand. I'd have to see it as opposed to.


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[Assistant] We found out, uh, and this was a, this was a comment too, um, should have been a comment, uh, from what we understand, the mod, uh, the Flyers mod that makes Cooter go faster.


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[Assistant] Is what's spawning all the birds. And all the dragons. Like anything that flies gets double spawned. Right. Right, that was just double? It doesn't get double spawned, it gets, yeah, it's something. Oh yeah, no, it's more like 20 times spawned. It seems it. That mod's gotta go. Yeah. And it is.


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[Assistant] And they'll understand. I think I like structures plus more, not for the, the extra stuff we can build, but for like the bullshit, like you can build a standing torch and it's, it's always on. You don't have to fuel it all the time. Right. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah, exactly. It's like that takes a little nonsense out of that.


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[Assistant] I wait to hear Neeb's voice for it to hold me and caress me. It is the light in the dark. Please make more Ark videos. Oh, that works for someone. Wow. And also try to be more positive about different things in your life.


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[Assistant] Hey, the show is sponsored, by the way, by Bluehost. And we'll talk about them later. Yes, we will.


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[Assistant] I genuinely think he makes a lot of the videos he's in way better. I have watched every video since finding you guys on YouTube, and my faves are definitely ones with Simon and Neebs Bants. Mmm. Bant. Bants? Let's banter. Banter. Yeah. Oh, is that a short for banter? Sure. You got a stupid haircut, Neebs.


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[Assistant] I walk from home. You need to walk, Dorales. I do.


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[Assistant] And PC, Mac, I think, whatever. Uh, you guys would have a ton of fun playing it. Two things you guys love to do, talk and not blow up.


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[Assistant] So that was from Slush Gaming, and all my comments are from the last week's commenting on comments. I've heard of that game. I have as well. Is that the one with the, like, there's a bomb? I didn't look at it, but all I know is I like VR, I wanna play VR, I wanna participate.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I want you to play that one. It might be nice, but I'll suck. I mean, you'd get us all blown up. Yeah, we're trying to get into more VR. We did the Star Trek.


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[Assistant] Set it up in like two solid days of just VR capture.


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[Assistant] There are a couple in that show. Oh, shit. I didn't know anything. Okay. Why would you know? How do you know that? He watches the stories. My sister was a big fan of the stories. Uh, Kevin02167 says, speaking of animation, I enjoyed the drawing challenge episode you guys put out. Are there any plans of making another?


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[Assistant] And everyone has some great potential. Plus I love Apsoro's style of art. Prostitute Mickey was my first introduction to his art and I loved it.


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[Assistant] Whatever it is, it was knit. A beautifully knit doll. Ooh, we could make like a contest out of it.


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[Assistant] I don't know, everyone draws like weird shit and we put all the designs on t-shirts.


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[Assistant] Very impressive. Do you have another comment? Adha pointed this out to me. Delivery dash cam has apparently been saying this in several different videos. He says Simon was mean.


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[Assistant] To me, when he ordered pizza from Papino's the other day, no tip, frowny face. And he's kinda bashing me online. That's a defamation of character, you can lawyer up. Lawyer up! Sue him! Did you tip him? This is not true. How are you gonna argue that? We, first of all, we don't have a Papino's. Papino's is the pizza place in Subnautica. I know. I know, I worked there. Is that a real place?


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[Assistant] Exactly, shoulder to hip. Big ol' fuckin' pepinos. Gross. Have you talked about, in the comments, have you talked about your Chef Boyardee shirt? Not here. I haven't seen you wear it yet. I haven't, and uh, well it's a long, boring story. But basically I haven't washed it since.


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[Assistant] Karen says, have you guys thought about playing the new Ark expansion DLC Aberration? We have thought of it.


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[Assistant] If they could take, uhm, some of the stuff they're adding into, uh, abber, abber, abberation, abberation, and put that into Ragnarok, that'd be amazing. Alright, that's a wrap on me. Oh, who's next? I'll go.


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[Assistant] No, it's great. Weird look. But that was gameplay audio animated as opposed to this being something completely different. This is original. And that's why, and I love the style, the animator fucking killed it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, oh there, that was, uh, it's, well, I won't even say yeah, cause it's not out.


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[Assistant] I mean, I still get a new grounds to watch cartoons. I love seeing different animator styles. Yeah. There's so many out there. Wonderful. Well, speaking of wonderful, let's talk about Bluehost. That was a nice segue, Simon.


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[Assistant] Support from today's show comes from Bluehost and Bluehost is a top rated website provider that powers over


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2 million websites. It has everything you need to build the website you've always wanted and gives you the freedom to design your website your way without being limited by templates. It's simple enough for beginners and powerful enough for even the most advanced users. And with fully customizable templates and third party app support, you get total flexibility and control.


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[Assistant] Plus, with a 99% uptime guarantee and automated updates, it's truly reliable and offers maximum security, including malware monitoring and protection and automatic secure WordPress installs. Not to mention, thanks to Bluehost 24-7 tech support, online resources, and expert services,


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[Assistant] You'll have all the help you need to succeed and save time. Bluehost is the best tool to build, host, and manage your website. No wonder it's been the top recommended WordPress host on WordPress.org since 2005.


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[Assistant] And now our listeners save 50% when you sign up at Bluehost.com slash Neibscast. That's Bluehost.com slash Neibscast. Thank you.


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[Assistant] I have very bad instincts, like your instincts in, uh, what the fuck is that? Battlegrounds under, what the fuck is the name of that? PUBG? Yea, PUBG.


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[Assistant] I thoroughly enjoyed that episode too, like uhm, that was one, when you guys recorded it, I was not with you. So, I got to experience it when the video came out, and the moment where you hop out of the car, and the train's coming, and you're screaming at him, get the fuck back in the-


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[Assistant] I honestly like America's Got Talent a lot. It's fun to see people like that get on stage, but fucking Howie Mandel drives me nuts because I just want to punch him in the face.


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[Assistant] He shouldn't be out in public, should he? He's fake! Like that, well at least that fake stuff makes me want to punch him in the face. He's doing it for a paycheck. But god, it just makes me go, oh yea, that's why network TV sucks. Last time I saw him, he was still doing the uhm, who wants to be a millionaire? No. What's the one with your opening case?


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[Assistant] That was like, uh, a fucking decade ago. I know, I haven't seen- I've never watched the America's Got Talent shit. Yeah. Yeah, so I don't-


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[Assistant] Dude, when it comes down to that type of stuff, you can give me shit. Did you give him shit?


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[Assistant] I'm surprised I haven't left much worse things. I really am. Well you leave meat in the toilet.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, no, listen, I would love to play more, but I'm like yeaah, I'm like Neebs, let's make a two day deal out of it, and let's just get it all, get as much as we can. Well, it's got, according to the internet, uh, 40 hours of stuff, and what I love about it is the fact that


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[Assistant] It's so expressive. Right. So it's more about it being that expressive and it's great.


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[Assistant] It's like, yeah, it was your first time playing. It was all of our first times playing and uh, yeah, it was so damn funny. We were like, what do we do? You're like, I don't know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was curious, like, I enjoyed watching the video to seeing things from your angles of just like, you basically had the objectives scrawled out in front of you of where we were supposed to go next and what we were supposed to do.


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[Assistant] You're supposed to be the guy making the call of like route pat, like you tell the engineer what to route power to. You have to choose the hierarchy of what's important, what's not important. Yeah. All right. So how about this? When we go in, I want to be captain and I want you to be engineer, Neebs. When we get the fourth and the fifth, hopefully. Yeah, only because it's bullshit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but that's one of the things is like, calls to action do work. It just reminds people, hey, click the button.


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[Assistant] To me, a like is, you should already know that we want you to like the video. It's a given. It's a given. Like, we want it.


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[Assistant] Okay. Probably. What was, uh, what was nice is the, uh, the spread of people. Like it was never congested anywhere. There was, you didn't feel claustrophobic in any way. Comic-Con.


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[Assistant] Right, we had a booth, Niebz Gaming was on it, and it was a great booth. And did you, did you guys hear? I don't know if we told you, we won best booth, RTX 2017.


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[Assistant] We didn't know. No, I've done, I've done an airplane. I've never done one. Apparently Austin, uhm, has two significant streets of the bar's party scene. Sixth Street seems to be the crazy balls out kind of a street. And then apparently Rainy Street is like the more hipstery, uhm, you know, very kind of


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[Assistant] So my idea was like, whoever gets the couch, it's like that middle ground, sleep there both nights. The bedroom and the cot, just swap.


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[Assistant] On the two different nights. I slept on the cot the first night and I slept wonderfully in the back in the closet. Simon was in the bedroom and then we swapped the next night.


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[Assistant] And we were like, yea, we gotta, we're gonna have to go get some dinner. So, we had about 20 some people follow us to dinner. Yea, we had a big group.


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[Assistant] Yummy. We had a good damn group there and they all pretty much followed us to the container barn.


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[Assistant] I asked the door guy at Moonshine, the restaurant we went to, I was like, so we got a group of like 20 some people, we're just looking for like a bar bar, something cool for us to


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[Assistant] That worked out nice. So we went there. It was a cool bar. It was like, um, wide open area. DJ set up with a huge screen behind him and it was a little loud. So there was that, but it had shipping containers like stacked on top of each other. There's like a few floors of them. The container homes. You see they made a big bar out of these. Yeah. And you can go in and that would be like your AC because it's fucking hot.


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[Assistant] So good time there. Uh, Simon and I eventually broke away to get some food. We went to a bar, just a couple up.


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[Assistant] And got a couple tacos and played a little cornhole. Oh my goodness. Yeaah. It was fun.


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[Assistant] I don't think, I don't think. Because of the snoring.


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[Assistant] But so we got to the convention center and hit the ground running again. And uhm, which is kind of crazy because, you know, we're doing the autographs and pictures and meeting the community, which is wonderful. Up until 1.30, I guess.


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[Assistant] Why would you even take the time to rip on that? Because I want you to work on it.


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[Assistant] Good god, work on your fucking spelling, how about that?


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[Assistant] So that was fun, and then when we were done with that, uh, we went back to the booth for a signing.


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[Assistant] Then we had our panel. Well, that was a little- We're on Saturday, aren't we?


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[Assistant] And every picture we took, the, the poses and they were all different. Very unique. Yea, there was a awkward prom.


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[Assistant] How about my smiling heart? Oh, he was really proud of his heart thing. Cause if you draw a heart with a smiley face in it?


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[Assistant] But if you block out the smiley face and hand it to him, it looks like just some boobs.


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[Assistant] About 10 minutes into the questions, uh, Simon realized there was like a 40 by 40 screen next to him. It snuck up on him.


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[Assistant] The second after a question was asked that you were best to answer, is he gets a phone call.


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[Assistant] We've got the footage. The footage proves that he started this process talking without


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[Assistant] He does brag about his social security number. I bragged once this trip. One time.


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[Assistant] They were, they were good. I mean, uh, many that we've answered before, but.


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[Assistant] Yep. So we're going to start doing plays now. Yeah. Well, yeah. But yeah, the response was wonderful. A couple laughs would like cover up a little joke here and there just because of, but that's a good problem. And then of course the final gag was obviously a win minus the spikes that should have been on the pitch.


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[Assistant] Yeah, because the bar that Simon and I went to have tacos and play cornhole on that block was the most dead.


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[Assistant] Oh, see I didn't get to meet them. I didn't meet them either, but uhm, but yeaah, that was cool, but again, that fucking place. JT Machinima. Yep. Who lives here in our town. They were there as well. They were there, and uh, it was, it was pretty full, I mean it was packed, free drinks, but way too loud of music.


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[Assistant] This is a social event. Yea, you really wanna talk to creators. We woke up hoarse the next day. You had to scream conversations. See, that sucks.


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[Assistant] That's awesome. Like we, we were starting to get pushed out of the bar come two o'clock, but then we just stayed right in front of the bar, like by the street until at least three, just all yapping away. Simon eating a sandwich.


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[Assistant] He, he had. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, okay, cause we're the ones who heard the story. Yeah. Clearly. I was talking to someone else and I overheard it and I came into it late. He had a, a parrot tattoo on his forearm. Okay. On his arm somewhere, right?


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[Assistant] So I was asking, I wanted to look at that ink and he told me he had open heart surgery when he was like 5 or something. And they brought him like a stuffed parrot.


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[Assistant] That, uh, they put in his room and this is like, you know, obviously everything worked out with the, the surgery and stuff and he's had that.


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[Assistant] That stuffed parrot ever since, and it meant so much to him. He got this tattoo of a parrot. It's actually holding a heart, if you looked at it. Holding a heart. It's holding a heart in its claws.


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[Assistant] You were asking someone, so Al with A-L? How do you spell Al?


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[Assistant] As soon as I sat in that Uber, like, I was ready to fucking pass out.


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[Assistant] The line was shorter. Let me put it this way, from my perspective at the end of the TSA line, so we don't fuckin' harp on this shit, I uhm, was a little concerned that you guys were gonna beat me through that line. Just on the size of mine. Yeah, I would've been mad. It was one of those, like whatever.


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[Assistant] And I think one thing we can take away from this is it's definitely always just B-E-N.


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[Assistant] Million subs. We did it! We didn't even give anyone a promoted. Like in the million subs video, because almost all the comments today are from our million subs video. So why don't we give them a promoted right now. Okay. Retro promotion.


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[Assistant] BooBoo0057 says, I can't remember how long I've been with you guys, but you're certainly part of the family now. I've been subscribed for a while, but introduced my girlfriend, now wife, to your channel with Neepsilvania. Through our relationship, we've watched your videos nightly and continue to do so. Hell, we seriously even played Jeep stuff at our wedding.


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[Assistant] Wow. How funny is that? I'm jealous. She knows all the words and I'm not on her level yet. The point is we have been happy watching this channel grow and you guys grow.


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[Assistant] I was. I was completely wrong on that. I was in that cartoon, wasn't I? Yea. Yea, I don't fucking remember shit. For some reason, I got you saying that in my head. I got Cameron.


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[Assistant] Kayla Barrow says, I've been watching this channel for a couple of years and honestly, I'm really glad to see how far you guys have come. Can you do a YouTube play button blog slash review? And the answer is yes.


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[Assistant] Joshua Treasure says, it's like an episode of Cribs, but smaller and less exciting. Keep on keeping on guys. A ton of great things were made in small apartments or garages, computers, the internet, Google, Neves, et cetera.


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[Assistant] MegaMinge says, Congrats dudes, we love you and everything you do for the world. If you weren't sure if you wanted a crowdfund, some more animations.


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[Assistant] You should keep one thing in mind. It's up to us to give you the money. If I wanted to give you money, which I totally would, then I would. And to those who didn't then, well, fuck them. What sucks is asking for money, period.


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[Assistant] OmicronQuanton says, what warrants Simon having his own office? Does he do PR stuff away from gaming and editing? Not to be rude, just genuinely curious.


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[Assistant] Uh, Richard, Richard Elliott says, uh, if you guys had shares in the stock market, I'd buy the holy crap out of them. Awesome work. I joined a 250k mark, but you made it whoop whoop.


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[Assistant] SkinnyBigMan says, congrats you guys, uh, been watching since you guys started this channel. When you said you were making a channel on Battlefield Friends, I thought you were joking, but you guys are hilarious and one of the best YouTube channels on the site. Keep up the good work. Thank you. That was Neve's idea. It was a great idea. Yeah. Let's do it again.


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[Assistant] But if I pick the paragraph, it's because it touched me in a special way.


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[Assistant] G.I. Etter says, yes, Mor Dorales and Associates, I discovered the series a few videos ago, a commentating session, and I loved it. I binge watched it in two days. I want more. Lady, lady, lady, lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this comment is actually something you sent me. This is a needs pic and it's not on the million subs video. Okay. It's on the GTA V speed bus video.


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[Assistant] Play it off as an accident and think he does a good job at it so he wants a treat. Comment on that.


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[Assistant] Also on the bus video, John Vandergag, this is another Neves Pick says, Hey guys, compulsive watcher, first time commenter, I am a 35 year old dialysis patient. Am I reading it wrong? I am a 35 year old dialysis patient.


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[Assistant] Hey guys, compulsive watcher, first time commenting. I'm a 35 year old dialysis patient who also happens to be laying in a hospital bed awaiting some knee surgery because life wasn't interesting enough apparently. I spent a great deal of time laying in chairs hooked up to stuff that keeps me alive.


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[Assistant] Whenever it's been tough and I'm trying to wind down to actually get some sleep,


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[Assistant] I always watch you guys, no matter what's going on, you always make me laugh and entertain me. Thank you gentlemen for all of the laughs, please keep up the good work.


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[Assistant] Sinrapture says, holy crap guys, congratulations. You totally deserve it. I'm really happy for you. You managed to create one of the greatest gaming channels with such positivity and optimism, great messages and a really nice community. And that was the key that made me want to read this. Making the whole gaming scene a way better place. So once again, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the Simon stroke. We have to have at least one. I love you guys, especially Simon. Hope you guys hit 2 million subs soon. You are the best on YouTube.


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[Assistant] This was the- All publicity is good publicity, Simon. I guess. Okay, well yeaah, I was going for that. Uh, I'm still waiting for a good comment that talks about you, Thicc. Uh, Xanadu, and he says, finally one million! I'm late to this video, YouTube unsubscribed me to you.


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[Assistant] They're not into the world peace. That's the thing. Yeaah. The big guys out there are like, screw world peace. It's Russia. Russia has YouTube.


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[Assistant] Good guess. Yeah, that was polite. It was really nice of me.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's a weird thing. Yeah. That is strange. I believe I've seen a video or two of that. Yeah. Okay, so Duralis, just pick one. How do I compete with that? Well, you know. Uhm, most apples held in own mouth and cut by chainsaw in one minute.


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[Assistant] I really chew over audio a long time with that sandwich culture.


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[Assistant] That's fun. What do you got, Dorales? I think I gotta pull out a big boy to compete with your sandwich.


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[Assistant] That's a good one. That's interesting. It's a numbers thing again, but we'll go with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotcha. Eighty-four people in wheelchairs, uh, pulled over a hundred meters. God bless them. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing you realize when you start looking at some of these, uh, world records, like when Simon asked me to do a couple days ago, uhm, you realize that people are obviously just coming up with something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the, and the apple's in the mouth of the chainsaw? That's justified? Like the thing is, like yea, most pencil's in a sandwich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we have a million subscribers! We have recognition! It's fine! Niebz Gaming should be a 2017 goal. This should be a New Year's resolution to establish a world record of some sort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if they're carbonated. Now were the little flip tabs, were they the newer bigger ones or the old school kind of skinnier?


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[Assistant] It's true. It doesn't have, like, hands to hold. Okay. Uhm, I'm gonna go, uh, six. Six!


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[Assistant] Yeah, I wouldn't be impressed by that. There are alias. Okay, uhm, that one, I, shit. I'm just gonna throw out a shit one. I'm gonna throw out a shit one. Give me a shit one. And I should probably start the next one, because it's not fair that I keep reacting to her. Okay, that's fine. I try to keep things fun. Oh, that'll be good for me. Longest maggot bath.


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[Assistant] Two hours? Thirty-one hours. And, uh, App Store is the closest, it's an hour and a half. There you go!


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[Assistant] I'll start this one. Alright. Yeaah. Not gonna be hard to beat this. Longest ear hair.


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[Assistant] Mr. Create bullshit to get in the book. I'll go with the pogo. You're just encouraging him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is like a two, but they're both the same record, it's just one's for man, one's for woman. Okay. Uhm, I would say, I'd say 49. That's a good guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'm gonna say 54. Okay, the female is, uh, 10.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the male is, uh, 14. You're gonna do this one. Is this the one that's happening this year?


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[Assistant] This is the very last one. Is it the last one? I just have one for bonus for fun, it's just a stupid one.


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[Assistant] I ruled that one out. I had that in my list and I was like, nah.


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[Assistant] And that's what I'm trying to do is, uh. Yeah, cause that's what the contest is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're wrapped up there. I have, uh, just one bonus thing. Alright. Hit me with your bonus nut. Most watches eaten. Watches eaten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many, uh, the old nine volt on the tongue? Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spencer Gifts used to have like this section that had like all those like the hand buzzer and the squirting flower, like all the generic shit and all that stuff. They had farting powder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever see the ones you can attach to a car battery or whatever that makes like the whistle? Uhm, there's something that you can attach to a car. I forget what they were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I brought this up before, I just don't remember when. What my dad used to always do to me with the mouse traps? No. Anything?


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[Assistant] He would set a mousetrap and he'd be so fucking patient. He'd wait like a year, year and a half in between. Like you'd forget about it after like being afraid, but he'd like put it right underneath my bed sheet. Like he put it in places that you'd trigger it. It wouldn't ever get you.


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[Assistant] The snap would scare the shit out of you when you set it off.


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[Assistant] Such a weird prank. But yea, my dad loved that shit. He'd hear it snap and I'd just hear him laugh and I'd like shit my pants and I'd hear him laugh across the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just read comments. Yeah, I love uh, yeah, reading the comments on any videos we make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do. Because I read. I read a lot. Right, but does it take you that long?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, hey, that'd be great. We gotta get two horses. Right now we're trying, I feel like our goal is to get out of scorched earth. Yeah, we're trying to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we've been lucky because like, uh, there's been like twice that we've fired up Ark, and all of our Ingrams are, have, have, it's been that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is part of the update. It's like the first one, the first one happened when they updated the whole Ingram system or the leveling up system. Like when that happened, all of our Ingrams got wiped and we had to reapply them. And then it did it the other week for some reason. Which I was thankful for because that first time I readjusted I did not put enough into weight.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well I think that's, that's like what you're supposed to do, like if you start an ARK tribe or whatever on a server, it's like okay, you're gonna be the building, you're the clothing guy, you're the building guy, you're the weapons guy, so everyone's, you know, you try to have your own role. Right, I have no role.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just happened that morning, uh, my wife got up and she was like, Hey, we want to go see the Laura Keats. And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'll do that. I've heard good things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lorikeets? No, uh, you guys probably don't know. Battlefront 2. The controversy. Is it all the microtransactions? The microtransactions. What do you guys think of that? What the hell's that? Let's explain. We talked about it. From what I understand, it's like they're doing something similar to Overwatch, where you get these, I guess, what would you call them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Loot boxes. Yeah, you get these loot boxes, and in these loot boxes are, I guess, uh, uh, Aesthetical stuff, which is fine. But the controversy is, in these loot boxes, there are also upgrades, like, that'll make you more powerful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Yeah, you can buy like colors to helmets, uh, costumes, whatever. I don't give a shit. But yeah, once you start, once you say people can start buying...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I hope they decide not to do, uh, the upgrades for guns, shields, things like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can look at the scoreboard. That's fine, look at the scoreboard, that's great. Watch the Ewok cartoon. That exists, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had no idea they were connected to The Hobbit until I saw the first one in theaters.


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[Assistant] Things you can ride. I think that's a part of what makes Arc fun too, is like, everything you see you can kind of potentially capture and tame and make your own. Like that, that makes Arc so interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what I like about ARK, what I like about Minecraft and all those, it's just customization. I like being able to customize my characters, paint my dinosaurs, you know, build my house, you know, dig, you know, make my trenches, whatever. It's like, that level of customization brought to a space game would be amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I mean it's all, it's difficult because you're talking about different planets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's, you know, that's not, I mean, Ark, you look at Ark alone, that's just set, uh, you know, in a desert or in Ragnarok, which is still really big maps, but now you're talking about the ability to travel out of that planet and then go to another planet. So what level of customization is going to exist there? Is like, is it mostly going to have to be procedural and then like a very, like customized by the developers in certain spots?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, each planet could already have like a built-in space station on it. So it's like, you can only travel onto these space stations, but it would be cool to be able to travel, like actually see the travel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish they would just come up with a gun, or like something, and when you, when you shoot a block, like if it's a woodblock, if you're, this, it gets shot with a gun, it's gone, like that woodblock's gone automatically. And you can slowly whittle away at your opponents, like machines or whatever. That would change it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was in uhm, Deadpool. Yeah, yeah. I just got done watching a series with my daughter that kind of surprised me. A show, it's a cartoon called Gravity Falls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, oh, this looks neat. I'll watch it with Emma. I got, I got way into it more than she did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, from what I understand, and I could be wrong on this, but from what I understand, they're, they're planning to launch the game officially, like we're done in October. Now that could be pushed back, whatever, but, uh, I mean, they're, at this point, they're adding in the end game stuff. So yeah, they're, they're wrapping it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is cool, in some respects. I mean, because, like, you get games like Subnautica, where it's like, okay, this, this game made, it could not have been anywhere near what it is now without the funding it got from people that bought it early access. Yeah, I guess. It's a slippery slope, man. It is, yeah. Well, some people abuse it, and that's the problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very possible, for sure. You know, I don't know, I'm torn on it. Yeah, it is one of those things, it's like if you're not a PC game, if you're a PS4 player and you watch our Subnautica series, or even ARK.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you might, you might not want to, or it could be the opposite effect. I want to play that myself. Because Subnautica, I think they're eventually going, if the game sells very well, which it already has, I think they are planning a console release for that game. But they want to finish it first, before they even bring it to Congress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's way more open-ended. I love single-player games and Subnautica took me by surprise with how fun it is. I love just putting on my headphones, get sucked into this world. You're underwater, you build your own base. I love, you know, like Ark, you can kind of craft your own world, build your own bases, make your submarine, bounce around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, I mean, they're two wildly different experiences, Ark and Subnautica.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I've tried it in VR, there's a couple of things, like the hands are like way too close to your face or whatever, but it's uh, like looking around the environment in VR is kind of interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, man, I mean Fallout, I like VR games, I don't like wearing the headset too long, and that's just me. Like, because it hurts my eyes after a while. I can only play for maybe 30 minutes to an hour, and then I'm like, okay, I'm done. Fallout's not a game when I sit down and I go, I only went and played 30 minutes of this. I want to play two hours of Fallout. It's such a big game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it is such a fast paced run around shoot game. Uhm, I mean, I'm absolutely willing to try it in VR. But I would have a hard time dropping a lot of money on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still wouldn't mind seeing like, yeah, putting Neebs in there and like, you know, he's not the captain or anything, but the ca- like, just throw you in, throw you in the mix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you do have, uh, I watched your office tour like a year ago or something where you're on the hoverboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just watched, uh, Villain Pub, before we jumped in with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's tough to do a fight scene like that with a small animation team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Daniel and I are a lot alike. When we're at VidCon, we're walking around talking and like, yep, yep, I do that. Yep, I do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Question, Simon? I did, I found the question. Yay! Oh, final. Before we do that, why don't we talk about VidCon for a minute, where we met Daniel and Tina in person for the first time. Yea, in Anaheim. We spent the whole weekend hanging out. All I remember is pizza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember we were at the bar and that girl was winning the, what do you call it, the motorbike race? And she was jumping in the air pumping her fist, she was in first and she wrecked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I'm jealous of that, I love it. And we can talk about that real quick, Daniel's been in a few episodes of that. That's right!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Daniel, is it better for you if a movie is really good or bad as far as what you do with it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard to poke fun at a movie when it's written perfectly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when there's a movie I don't really care to watch, I'll watch your video anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am now at this point. I feel so little. Scott Derrickson. Yes. That's the name of the Doctor Who director. Doctor Strange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's talk RTX for a second. Yeah. You went before, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Daniel, you gave me an email address, and I wrote the guy. He wrote back, and he was, he'd heard of our stuff. He was excited, and he said, yeah, we'd like to get you in here. So, they're supposed to get back to me. So it's done? So you're in? We don't have flights yet. We don't know, yeah. Yeah, you gotta stay on them, Neebs. Well, he said he's gonna get back to me. I didn't want to be- That was like a year ago. No, it was like a month ago. Whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And hey, I hope you come out to see us at RTX if we get to go. We'll stay in touch about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. What was your experience? I tried. I used that with a bunker. I launched them into a bunker and killed everybody in there. Did they explode on impact? It's pretty soon after they land they go off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a grenade. And there's different types of attachments. I think there's smoke and maybe gas. It gets reloaded very quick, like a couple can come out in a few seconds. There's a video about it, tells you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are correct. You really notice it on those stationary guns. Like Gatling guns, where you can see the bullets just flying everywhere until you hold it down for a second or two. Mhmm, can I give it a minute?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever activity, play a sport. Make sure it's co-ed. Playing, uh, all-dude touch football is not gonna help you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For his kids and shit, he feels like a fucking champ. That's great. That character and, uh, no HUD Hank. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where else in the world can you find a collection of the missiles being dropped though? Right. You can see them all back to back. Everyone see what they look like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honestly like both games with or without friends. I can go around Ark and just fly around, build a house, tame things. But I think it comes down to, do you like to build stuff? Are you, have like an engineer type mind or do you want to explore and survive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll say this about Scrap that some people don't understand, is you're limited as to how much you can build in that world. It's not like Minecraft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Simon, don't you want to end on like a, a Doraleous comment there? Yea, maybe one of my videos? Yea, okay. It's been like a while since you've- It's been a long time. Which one? What's the last video he did? Was it Planes? Planes. So what, am I gonna just find one on the fly right now? Pick another Doraleous comment. Boom, go! I don't feel like he's been focused on enough today.


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[Assistant] I enjoy advice more than the more. There should be more in advice. More's a blanket. You put the big word in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gaming news? Nope, nope, no thanks. What? We game every day! It's like work! Let's talk about other stuff!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are the chances it will be a survival game this time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thieves, what are you, what you watching? Well, right now I'm watching Narcos Season 1 for the second time. Oh, wow. Because there's a lot of Spanish in that show. So I'm watching it with just Spanish subtitles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there comments? This is a podcast!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No! I don't know if you know what that is. I don't know how to explain it. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you know what that is, I don't know how to explain it. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Y'all already know how men be. Okay, yeah, I can't drop the M-bombs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeah, I mean, it's not like constant or nothing like that. It's very manageable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't make it, I couldn't fly out, but uhm, but yeaah, I knew he was going cause I was supposed to be on it with him, and I'm familiar with the show, so I know you sit on a couch and you fuck comedians up that don't know what a comedian is, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My itinerary did not say stand up on it, it just said... Kill Tony, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't know what we were doing the first time. We had like set up like a phone call and all this shit in our CD booklet. It was like a hidden, hidden number. Yea, so when you call it, so we were just like, well fuck, we gotta do something. You know when the time started ticking down to it, you know what I'm saying? And so we didn't know we were making a festival.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my dumbass, I was like, oh shit, cause everybody's like swarming the stage. So I started backing up. Next thing I know, I'm in a semi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's just like coming in like the fucking trash compactor from Star Wars. Oh shit, now kids are back. Finally, I was like, there's much room and then all of a sudden they started moving back out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People think they're gonna get their ass kicked and fucked up if they go there.


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[Assistant] It's like, uh, I can't remember where I told this to, but it's like, uh, if you're not a juggler and people can obviously see that, it's like, uhm, it's like their goal is to fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're incredible. They're incredible. They started punk, I just saw off video of them like practicing doing their punk shit with like some different drummer. This is one thing I don't like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And on top of that, when we're on the road, we spend more time, like, in the bus than in the hotel room. Yeah. We don't stay at fancy hotels. We're at like the fucking Holiday Inn Express one. The bus is just parked. For us to hang out on the Holiday Inn Express, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I don't fucking use straws. Well, I had a restaurant, bro. You will? At a restaurant, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not. That's what I'm saying. Like if you go to a gym locker room, there's always naked motherfuckers sitting there. I'm saying if he gets up and then somebody sits down, where the fuck I'm sitting next to naked dudes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This kid's gonna get treated like a fucking gang member. You know what I'm saying? It's insane. It's real shit. It's affecting people from joining the army, from custody cases, from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They get charged as gang members now, you know, you get pinched with, we always say you get pinched with weed, now it's a trumped up charge because you're a gang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, probably... That wasn't right away, because we started learning about all the bullshit that was going down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've listened to a lot of country music. You know what I mean? And uh, now Beyonce is fucking doing it in all kinds of fucking ways. Her songs good too. She's super talented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I can like appreciate it as music and I can see why it sells the amount it does and I can see all that now, you know, because I actually like broke it down, analyzed it. As a musician, I understand it, you know, and I don't mind it when it's on now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like- Whoever wrote that had to, you know, suffer from some type of mental illness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like they separate your dick and balls. Like your dick goes into a pouch and your balls go into a separate pouch. Yeah. Fucking weird man. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you know, if I was doing like full frontal nudity, I'd probably give a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the worstest thing I ever fuckin' watched. I was in a peep show booth in Manhattan, Times Square in the 90s, and I seen the fuckin' illest shit ever, that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wasn't, isn't like Mao not good for skin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got like a huge thing on my back, it's not blacked out by no means, and it was like 8 hours with 3 guys at once and then another 8 hours with 3 guys at once and I can't come close to his shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's plenty in there. So what? I thought he was asking for sex. I was a crazy assumption, yea. But y'all already know how men be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smoking, stroking, man. Went and broke my tits, man. I'm a real man. I can take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This man, uuuh. This man, uuuh. This fucking goddamn dick man, yeah. Hello?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, lived in Idaho, dabbled there for a bit, and then, uh, lived on a ranch about two hours outside of Austin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much fun. It was a really good time. Yeah? Yeah. And you had a great set? Yes, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well I'll do Secret Show tonight, which is Red Band Show. And, but I have to get pulled out the bucket again. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anywhere from 5 to 10 minutes? Woah, do you have-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uh, I listen to a lot of music, a lot, like all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, they're Oakland based. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're California, but I like that. Uhm, little bit of country, like old, old country, like Towns Van Zandt, uhm, Waley, Wayland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so my buddy's dad bought some property and was like, hey, I'm putting two shipping containers on the property if you want to come live in them. Shipping containers. Yea, like the ones on the back of trucks. Yea, yea, yea. So I lived in that for about like a year and a half. Here's where it starts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're all pissed off, yea. They're super pissed off? Yea, you get like 30 cattle, you put them in this small pen, and then you put them into a squeeze chute one by one, like a cowl run, and then you slam these walls down, and then they start freaking out, so then you tie a rope around their back leg, and yank it up, and then you get a little pocket knife, and you grab their balls,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you gotta do it to the baby, to the baby bulls. And then, because their balls haven't dropped yet, so you gotta reach up in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do they do with the balls? Uh, you can eat them. Cool. High testosterone, high T. Yeah, liver cancer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, we'd usually just kind of throw them around. And then you could keep the skin, the sac.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, yeaah, cause it's like a coin purse. Yeaah, do you still have one? It's on the ranch, in like my little cabin, but yeaah, it's like dried up now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they support it. Yeah. I like talking about them on stage. Is that what you're doing? Yeah, that's what I started doing now. What are your folks like? Um, they're about your guys age. Uh, my dad, he trains jiu jitsu. He's like a, he's a black belt. So I can't like challenge him to anything. And then my mom, she's just, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he grew up in Hawaii, fuckin' military kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, when I was a kid, uh, he did, uh, he, uh, he sold some weed a little bit. Okay. But it was like legal, it was like when California was chill with it, he did that for a bit. And then now he does, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Loans, I think, for houses. Helps with loans. Okay. Yeah, I don't, I'm trying to, I don't know, just, you know. Yeah, does he work at a bank? No, no, no, doesn't work at a, we're not Jewish, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] La primer cosa que hicimos fue un pacto solemne entre todos nosotros.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Que si alguno de nosotros moría quedaba a disposición de los demás.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a lot of males are into biohacking, you know, they'll buy all the supplements, very expensive supplements, yet they never have seen their bros naked, they've never worked out naked, they've never played naked ultimate frisbee, they've never done naked wrestling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna fill this beautiful mason jar with my beautiful Orin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like injecting heavy metals and aborted fetal cells right into your body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I find it so cute and funny and kind of annoying that so many modern mens work leaders base their branding off of like Spartan culture and they call it the modern warrior journal or, you know, we're the, we're the samurai brotherhood, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Satva Luxury Mattress Company. I have been a huge fan of Satva for 15 years. Way back when we wanted a brand new mattress but didn't have a lot of money and I found this company, Satva.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I actually reached out to them and said, look, I like your mattress so much. Would you please let us talk about you on our podcast? That's how much I believe in this company. We've had a very long relationship with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because if the quality is undeniable, you can get a huge mattress for the fraction of the cost and the quality is outstanding. We currently sleep on the Solair, which lights up, it vibrates, you can go up, you can go down, it's just fantastic. Uhm, I've had friends buy the luxury firm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah! Oh, that's, that's a term I use. Interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bricked up. That's what Depeche Mode gets me going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Daniel, ritardo, Daniel, ritardo, Daniel. Face is too funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, I thought of you because I was very constipated and I didn't shift for like two weeks. I've heard this. And the amount of caca...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a basketball in me. And then I took two laxatives. I went to sleep and I didn't do shit, bro. So I woke up in the morning and I took two more laxatives. That's four laxatives in the span of like 10 hours. And then my dumb ass, I was like, fuck it, nothing's happening. I'm just going to walk around Madison. I was in Madison just constant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how backed up I was. But then, but don't you, but don't you get constipated when you weren't shitting? Like I feel like, cause I was holding it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's so heavy, like I was trying to exercise, I was like, ugh, I just want to die. Like I can't, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you looking for a meaningful holiday gift this holiday season that your loved ones will actually use and enjoy? Finding the perfect holiday gift for a loved one is a challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every year, and God knows everybody has everything, which is why I like to give the Skylight Frame. It is a digital screen that you can set up in a common area. We keep ours in the kitchen. And it's the easiest thing in the world. Everybody sends photos to it via like email. We just set up your email account. It's so simple and it will bring endless joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you'll love Skylight that they even offer free 120 day return.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a special limited time offer for our listeners, get $15 off your purchase of a Skylight Frame when you go to skylightframe.com slash house. To get $15 off your purchase of a Skylight Frame, just go to skylightframe.com slash house. That's S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T-F-R-A-M-E dot com slash house.


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[Assistant] It's for educational purposes. He's helping other guys get laid. That's what he thinks he's doing.


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[Assistant] Got on the tee, got the teeth, worked out and went to Columbia.


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[Assistant] But there's such a solid audience for that, like there's a whole crop of hurt men out there that are like, just dying to eat this, just dying for this.


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[Assistant] We've, we've known a few of those poor gents. They get, people are so fragile. They are so fragile.


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[Assistant] It's so sad. No, what I'm saying is that, but that's why it's like, it's so, gosh, you just think how lucky you are if you do meet the right person that doesn't absolutely destroy you in your twenties or your thirties, you know?


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[Assistant] So horny. What is that? Is that, do you think that that is a real, is that part of it? Like what is this?


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[Assistant] And so he was telling me about an open wound on his body.


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[Assistant] Yeah, for a long time. And then I was like, okay, well, I listened to that. He regaled me with that. And I had just been on two different planes. Like I was kind of ready to go check into my hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, okay, well we're done with that. And then he keeps regaling me with more tales of, whoa. And then he gives me like the tour of the net and that's where the, the farmer's market is going to be. And I gotta tell you, I never get excited about a farmer's market. I could give two fucks about buying cucumbers on a Saturday. I don't fucking care. So, and then.


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[Assistant] Are you listening to me? Yea, I'm listening. It gets way wor- So, then he's chitty-chatting so much that I start- I think I call you or I'm texting you.


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[Assistant] No, inside I was like, this guy, this fucking cunt just robbed me of my mental space.


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[Assistant] Oh, and then the worst part is I got him again on the way.


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[Assistant] I was like, hey babe, I don't wanna talk, I don't wanna talk, I don't wanna talk. Cause I can't tell the guy, hey I don't wanna talk to you. You can't do that, right?


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[Assistant] Yeah, they're vampires. They drain you of your life force. They're not givers, they're takers.


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[Assistant] So she's just, she's just announcing that she's going to fuck up your time at the casino.


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[Assistant] Can you, can you phrase the question properly? Oh, I have it in a text. So this is Rob Eiler. This is what Rob and I text to each other. And here's the thing, at first when I read it, I dismissed it. And then, of course, it fucking stuck with me and I was like, now I have to figure this shit out philosophically, okay?


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[Assistant] I don't know if you've ever discussed this before, but if you jerk someone off, who made the cum?


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[Assistant] Now I think what he's trying to say is, who caused the cum? Is it the one who jerks the person off?


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[Assistant] Or does it originate in the person who's being jerked off? Meaning like, who's, right? Who's the causat- the causer of the come?


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[Assistant] But if you weren't there, it would never have been made. It's like pizza. The ingredients don't make the pizza, the person making it does. This is what Rob was saying to me.


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[Assistant] If not, and then I wrote back, I see what you're saying. If not for the stimulator, there would be no cum. Wow, that's deep, bro.


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[Assistant] Then the handjob giver is merely the usher of said cum. Is cum produced on demand?


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[Assistant] If someone jizzes in the forest and nobody sees it, does it even count?


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[Assistant] Which is really kinda different, right? You don't get to hear that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, can I, can I, can I be honest with you? Can, can you look at me? I watch a show called Sex Education.


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[Assistant] She's having an intimate physical relationship with a guy who's paralyzed from like, the chest down.


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[Assistant] To wrap my head around an intimate scene between, hold on, let me say it the way white people do, like normal people do. It makes me very uncomfortable to watch a scene like that. It made me uncomfortable. But I also like to think, why? Why did it make me uncomfortable?


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[Assistant] Cause they're not, cause I'll tell you why, because you look at them and you're like, they cannot handle the repercussions of sex.


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[Assistant] Yeah. So that's 15 that they won't have, cause it's a chromosomal anomaly. Right. It's imitation.


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[Assistant] Also, I don't need your support. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like...


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[Assistant] It's time for, for New Blood. I love you. I love Frankie Quiñones. I think this is like, this is great.


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[Assistant] Like, uh, what if I can cap city, I'll do like the small room, the red room, and then at Joe's club, I'll do the side room. Just like the a hundred people, like you said, just like, so if I fucking bomb it.


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[Assistant] It's a trip though. I'm going to warn you because sometimes you'll think like this person's really sweet and that's the guy that murdered his whole family.


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[Assistant] I think you, the first word you said was meth. I agree, I'm smelling drugs.


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[Assistant] Who's a junkie? And he's, he fucked, he stole and he got caught stealing for drug money or something.


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[Assistant] The teardrop, that's a gang, so he's definitely gang shit. So he's killed people, yea, in gang, gang stuff.


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[Assistant] But then again, the guys that have the elaborate package, they don't do a whole lot of shit. It's the guys that look like Mr. Rogers that have, like, murdered people.


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[Assistant] Alright. Yeah, yeah, I agree. He's the Nigerian guy that calls you, right? And takes your fucking money?


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[Assistant] I think he's so, okay, Jacob is, this is in Idaho. He's a kind of a crackery white guy. He comes from a crackery family where they, they suppress all their feelings. He grew up like a Christian or something like that, right?


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[Assistant] Yeah, because I know this kind of, this is, this is like a bullshit artist, this guy. So he's going to pretend like he's together, but the darkness is so dark and so deep.


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[Assistant] That's right. That's right. No name brand cereals.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but I don't think getting stuff in your butt is the same as getting it in your pussy. Like those are two different feelings altogether.


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[Assistant] It'd be smart to get kids reading stuff like this. I know! This is how we motivate teenagers to read, dude. The fuck is wrong with you? The fuck is wrong with y'all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I do want drag queens reading to my kindergartners.


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[Assistant] Please tell me we have this. God, I've been thinking about this for a week.


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[Assistant] I understand you want, you have your preferred pronouns. I get it. But he's like, he's like shitting. Sorry. She is like.


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[Assistant] Shitting on bus boys? Yeah, like bus, like people that are just fucking working, like if you've worked in a restaurant, you know that the staff is not worried about the motherfuckers gender identity.


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[Assistant] But also too, like, okay, she has...


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[Assistant] A pretty decent receding hairline. The hair is not great for a lady.


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[Assistant] And like, also dude, okay, I get that you want to be called a certain thing. Guess what? I want people to call me the right name. You know how many motherfuckers call me Christine for 20 years? Like, people that I'm really good friends with call me Christine, and I've never corrected them. It's just like, I guess I'm fucking Christine, bro.


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[Assistant] Thanks man, so special. Uhm, have you ever been with a gothic?


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[Assistant] Yeah, a pirate, oh, so she was like, I know you're talking about that kind of goth, it's like.


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[Assistant] Well I do like, I like parmesan cheese that's out of the shaky, like processed parmesan cheese over fresh cheese any day. I love orange macaroni and cheese out of the box, like the shitty kind that uses the bad dye. Like the one that's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that, I like, uh, shitty hot dogs. I like everything shittier, actually.


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[Assistant] If you're not bringing your husband multiple women to have sex with, why are you even married? It makes him so happy to have sex with other women. I find my husband's partner, so for a year this bitch has been telling us that she does it, and I was like, who the fuck is this woman married to? He must be like an Adonis.


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[Assistant] There he is. That's the guy that she brings chicks home to fuck.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but, so apparently this chick likes the strong silent type.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Strong, unblinking, disinterested, aloof.


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[Assistant] Very informative. I mean, the problem is he's not wrong. Like this will definitely get a woman to fall in love.


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[Assistant] And it says it's oral thrutch, which is essentially a yeast infection for your mouth. And the reason we have it is because we consumed my yeast infection.


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[Assistant] So, if anybody plays Pokemon Go?


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[Assistant] By the way, people always used to tell me that we looked alike. All the time. Yeah. I used to hate it. Yeah. I don't hate it as much anymore.


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[Assistant] Tell Christina what you just told me. She wasn't there, but I was, I've been on the show once before. I was on episode 28.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the scene was super small. Zanies was the only club on the north side, and they were like, you guys don't even get an open mic.


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[Assistant] All the clubs closed in 95 when like stand-up stopped being popular, so there was one club left, and they were like, they did not nurture like a local scene, so everybody who was there, probably to do Second City, had to like, start in bar shows. And there was like 50 dudes and 8 women.


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[Assistant] So that's why we kinda all knew each other. Sure. And then like when we moved, Bronger and Kyle had been out in LA for a while, so they kinda like knew us from going, but there weren't that many, but all of them, you know, kinda- Were you guys tight?


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[Assistant] To a- we owe them a lot. Really? Yea, they were very- I know you through Bronger, I wanna say. Mmhm. Cause you guys have done new faces, like around the time that I moved.


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[Assistant] And I would be like, okay. Cause like, at that time like Kumail was there, uh, like TJ Miller was like there, Pete Holmes was there, so when people would come back, like I wasn't impressed. He came back and he did like, he had this closer that he did like an owl impression.


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[Assistant] Yeah, across the board hate it. But he came back and so it was, if he or Kanaan came back or John Roy came back, it was like a big deal.


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[Assistant] But yea, so TJ, we knew he was gonna be first. Like, it seemed like Kumail, like, was up there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he- women wanted to fuck him, and we all wanted to be him.


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[Assistant] And he was the funniest. And then he went, he passed away in 2007. I think that that was the moment.


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[Assistant] Like, people, I wasn't doing comedy during 9-11, like right after, and I don't remember if 9-11 made me do comedy, but a lot of people were like, 9-11,


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[Assistant] Fuck, that dude was like, so talented and he didn't get to do it, so.


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[Assistant] Like, appears in Chicago in like the mid-90s, and kind of Yoda's these like young guys, and every now and then he'd pop up and do like a Letterman, or pop up and do like a Kimo, and people would be like, where the fuck does this guy do- like to get him on a show, you had to fax his dad.


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[Assistant] It was like- That's his dad? Yeah. Like, so this was a guy that would- He has a half hour on Showtime. He has Lettermans, but no one's heard of this guy, and he doesn't want to be found.


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[Assistant] Wow. So it's like, he'll do like the Lincoln Lodge in Chicago or he'll do, he'll open for people. He has an Emmy for writing for Kamau Bell. Like just like this, so Hari Kandabalu and Kamau Bell forced him to kind of put out an album in 2020 and it's called Who the Hell is Dwayne Kennedy?


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[Assistant] So this was, yeaah, I got, now I wanna check it out too. This was the guy that kinda, uhm,


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[Assistant] Canane bombed his first time going up, or he thought he bombed, and this guy took him aside and was like, you should keep doing this, and he was like, well fuck, if that guy told me I have to keep going, then I do.


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[Assistant] And you remember those compliments, like, forever, forever, forever. Like if either one of you walked up to some open mic'er and were like, that was great, or that joke was funny, they will remember that the rest of their life. For being like, that's unfunny, bitch.


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[Assistant] Thank you. Yeah, thank you for pointing that out to me. I'm not number one all time. Yeah, yeah, that's very cool. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When Hannibal started, he got new faces in 2006. So he kind of, Robbie Prah, I've talked to him about this, so Netflix's Robbie Prah saw in Hannibal before like anybody, he got it before all the people that we mentioned.


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[Assistant] So it was kind of like a shock for people at that point that he was, cause he wasn't considered one of the best at that point and he got so good so fast that it kind of shocked people.


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[Assistant] The first time I saw him destroy, it was still new to me, I still hadn't seen him have like a killer set. And he went up at Zany's, and he's like, they have a chalkboard at the fire station?


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[Assistant] He's like, so what do they do there? You put, there's a fire. You gotta put water.


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[Assistant] On the fire. And it was like a, like, it was just like people were falling like out of their seats, like smacking the, and he, he had done like, it was a guest set too, like it wasn't, there was,


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[Assistant] Sure, sure, sure. I've never been- I walked past it, cause I did a- I did a bookstore- That show was-


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[Assistant] It confuses me cause when the, the big open mic that people consider like the greatest open mic of all time possibly.


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[Assistant] Is called the lion's den, and people refer to it as the den.


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[Assistant] Oh. And then this place is called the Den, so I get it both confused in my head. That's the one I did though, I think. Okay. Okay.


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[Assistant] Like a pig and head back to LA. What's your favorite Chicago spot?


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[Assistant] And right next to it is, uh, pot belly. If you're feeling like a big fatso, there's a, there's a sub sandwich spot right there.


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[Assistant] I'm not like a scientist, I don't know if that's possible, I just know that in Chicago,


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[Assistant] Those are two people that you would have a problem drinking.


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[Assistant] I quit drinking. Oh, you did? Yeah. Like six years, almost seven years ago. Yeah. Everything's easier. Is life better? Yeah. Life is better. Yeah. Yeah. It was getting too hard.


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[Assistant] Now you're, now you're his service. Wow. His face is like, am I in trouble for this? His face is like, I'm good, right? Like I didn't do anything wrong? So weird.


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[Assistant] Thank you for being such assholes. Haley and Zack? Yeah. Fucking dopes. Oh, you saw an unhoused woman in Uzbekistan with no teeth. That's a gypsy. That's Seaguyton.


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[Assistant] We'll have adventure. Why did they? Okay. They just want to go places and be like, this isn't like San Diego or whatever. This is totally different.


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[Assistant] I saw a guy at my gate on the way here, and I was just like, I hope he's not next to me. Of course.


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[Assistant] By the way, people always used to tell me that we looked alike. All the time.


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[Assistant] I managed the lyric hype here in...


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[Assistant] Silver Lake and people, like open micers come in and they think I'm you.


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[Assistant] It wouldn't count, we look the same.


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[Assistant] How about you, Mike? I mean, I gotta say yes too, then, yeah? I'm gonna be like, no!


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[Assistant] Did they just get it done though? Maybe it heals and it looks a little more natural? Maybe.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I thought they were like, stock actors or whatever. Yeah, we're a throuple. Like, do you have vaginal, whatever, it's like a, like a- Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had fucked up teeth, and he got some braces, and he lifted some weights, and he's like, I wanna fuck two. I gotta tell you, this pussy thing's wild. Dude, have you guys tried fucking? These are the only two women he's had sex with. Probably.


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[Assistant] He's gotta lift stuff up to get host down.


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[Assistant] That's, that's, I can smell it. You know what I'm saying? I can smell it. That's not, piss on piss is a bad smell. It's bad. It's bad. All you said was sorry?


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[Assistant] But this is also a filter though. Bro's using the fucking baby filter that girls use on Instagram. That's crazy. It is crazy. It is really crazy.


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[Assistant] And he was washing his hands. He did it like five times that we were in there. And he left suds everywhere.


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[Assistant] Alright, now it says to apply a thick, even layer to cover hair. Do not rub it in. So let's do that.


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[Assistant] And they're like, uh, the lady, uh, the beautiful lady over there wants to talk to the manager.


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[Assistant] Ladies, what's up? I need all you sexy, down, badass females out there. Stop being shy, put down what you're doing, and holler at your boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm down with all types and flavors. So ladies, get at me. Let's chop it up. Let's see what's up. Hope to hear from you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, but it's so superficial when she's like, Oh, I don't like her vagina lips. Those are too big. And you're like, yeah, but she can't do anything about that or.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I wonder, and every time I watch it, I think, would you and I have been matched? If, first of all, I mean, not now, like, if I did this show at 47.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the whole UK would vomit in their tea and crumpets, yeaah. I mean, notice nobody's over 30 on that show for a reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But by the way, here's what I liked about the show. It makes you realize that pretty much everybody's body sucks.


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[Assistant] In some way, and like there's like one fit guy or one fit girl out of the five, but most of them are just normal like us.


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[Assistant] Uhm, my one critique is that I wanted it to be hornier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it wasn't as horny as I'd hoped. And the one cool part is where the guy and the girl get matched and he's standing next to her and I was like, uh oh, what if these guys get boners? He totally started to get horny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I could've, and that's the part I would've liked. That's actually how they should've done the show. They put the guy and the girl next to each other naked, and if the guy gets a boner...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and it's weird too how uhm, I really learn stuff like,


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[Assistant] You know, a lot of the girls shaved their meows and then we saw a girl had full meow. Full, full coverage. And I liked it. I was like, Oh, I, I feel like it's nostalgic to see pubic hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're saying how there's pheromones released in pubic hair that affect attraction. So you're actually taking away your attractiveness to the partner. Your partner, you're my partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now I think I want to go full bush, because I really liked how that chick looked. And she just trims up the sides, and it looked like cool, you know? Yea, it did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one good thing about seeing somebody naked before you date them is you can see exactly how mentally ill they might be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's disappointing. Or if the tattoos are really out there and too stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and also I didn't like a lot of people's cellulite and skin. Some of it bothered me. I think they should just show penises and boobs. That's it. And then meow. Just don't show me legs, because one guy was bow-legged, and I was like, I don't want to see that shit. Yeah, very judgmental. Genitals and titties. Okay. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you had to choose a partner just on their genitals? That would be so funny. Just genitals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just on their genitals. Yeah, cause interestingly enough, this is where society's moving because of like swiping and stuff. All you see is the image. You don't see, you don't connect it to a human being, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every crappy job I've had. Cause you wanna smoke your cig, I don't know what this guy does, maybe he eats his candy that he steals. He's got butterscotch candies in his pockets that he eats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that there's a pharmacy here in Texas in Austin that exclusively hires TikToks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's the best. I'm not gonna say the name of the company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was, that was quite a fiasco. So this place hires exclusively TikToks and Zimzers. It's the fucking best dude. You know who else does that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, and all I care about really is a sense of urgency. If you're, if you're the barista.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bad transition jobs. And you're like do you think they know they don't?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so hard. But also there's such an attitude with the ones that are really putting it out there. Like for instance, there is one particular employee, we're not going to go into too many details, but they do dress up and costume-y attire for their coffee shop, coffee house job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is like, you're really asking for attention, and you're getting upset when somebody gives it to you. Like, shut the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, so I, I was interacting with a couple of Zimzers too. Yeah. And, uh, they, yeah, I saw them every day for a while and I did, I never asked, I didn't know how to ask the pronouns and every day I'd be like, how you guys doing? I'm like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I'm so presumptuous. They're very sweet. Fair though. The weird part is I'd walk in and they would be talking about Melissa Etheridge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some dudes do really well as women. Really well. Now the other way around is a little harder, no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be fucking fun to watch. Okay, here's what I want next from the UK. Middle aged, soggy bodies, dating show, where it's like dirt bags like us that are newly divorced and just desperate and sad. Or the trans dating show. That would be so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she looks great. I'm very jealous of trans boobies and vagines. They're so much better than mine. I wish I could get a new trans vagina. Wouldn't you love that if I got a whole new rebuild down there? Two kids have busted out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes please, trans vagines. Oh yea, labioplasty, yeah, yeah, rejuves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there was this procedure in LA where they put like a wand, a dildo wand in there and it makes collagen grow and I was like, this sounds a lot. I don't know, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, can they rebuild all of it though? Like tits too, body, muscle tone, musculature. Cause here's why trans women look so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dick root, like, you know what I'm saying, like, it kinda looks like a super fit woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and here's the thing, like, we don't know this woman, it does look like she's been her, and like totally, my heart goes out to her. But I think what's really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that is the popular thing of like, I could buy my own shit, I don't need nobody to do shit for me. It's like, okay, well enjoy being alone if you don't feel like you need anybody in the world. I also think men, the good ones out there enjoy providing and taking care, right? I mean, or like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being masculine and like, being needed is cool. It's not, how, I mean, basically I was trying to think of like, if you and I met way back in the million years ago, when I was 23, and I was saying this shit to you, like, do you think you could even get past that? I might have been able to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was way cute. It's a female comic. I mean, come on, there was like none of us. Dog, Bastard Hound City. Well, can I please bring up something very quickly? Yeah. I saw Depeche Mode.


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[Assistant] He moves like he does yoga every day. You can see him doing his yoga moves. Like doesn't it blow your mind when somebody's 61 and you're like, how the fuck?


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[Assistant] I was talking to a friend and they said that Mick Jagger and the Stones, they do full rehearsals, full rehearsals before the show. Just that every intense hard one so that everything is perfect. And I'm like, that's what Depeche Mode is doing. It is, it was unreal, Tommy.


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[Assistant] I mean, look, they're all alive. So Tepechmo, they unfortunately lost Andrew. Uhm, so now it's just Martin Gore and... Those two guys? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Great. They look fucking amazing. Like Dave had a problems with the hair on and drugs. He had like three heart attacks in like a month, like crazy stuff.


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[Assistant] Look at these, these rock stars are, they're a different genetic breed.


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[Assistant] Fucking amazing. Now comedians, we stay alive mentally.


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[Assistant] For a minute, right? I'm Milton Berle, Don Rickles. We can stay alive.


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[Assistant] Anyway, coming to the conclusion, you ever see a band that like moves you so much and you're like, oh my god dude, like Depeche Mode is my, they're my genitals, like they get me, they, they brick me up, I get bricked up when I watch Depeche Mode.


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[Assistant] Spread his ass cheeks and do things and I'm like, I'm fucking, I'm hard. So I came to the conclusion that Depeche Mode is my vagina. The cure is my blood. And my soul is Bauhaus.


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[Assistant] You don't feel this way about bands? You don't feel this way about your music? You don't even know, you're made of Teflon. You got no soul.


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[Assistant] You don't, you don't weep when Martin Gore sings his solos. Come on. You're not, you're not alive.


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[Assistant] Well, here's the thing, right? Watch this, by the way. Okay, so wa-wa-wa-watch this bullshit.


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[Assistant] Well, let's see the hotels implement these changes and make like fatso rooms. Just, hey, are you fat? We made special rooms for you. And then watch these fatso's get upset and cry that they're being discriminated against because now they're making me stay in the fatso room. Right?


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[Assistant] And also, like, just, okay, how about this? How about hotels just do fat rooms? Like I said, like a fat suite.


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[Assistant] And you had to pay a little extra because it cost them a fortune to make steel reinforced beds and toilets with extra reinforcements. So you pay for that.


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[Assistant] So all these historical hotels need to remodel, a total remodel for you to go there. It's, it's lunacy. Why don't they, they should just, here's what they should do. Remember we said we should do fat airlines? Yeah. So then do your fat airline and then fat.


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[Assistant] Heavy People Hotels, where everything is exactly as she wants and she can pay the premium to go stay there.


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[Assistant] Oh snap, they're letting Blondie do the intro today. That's how important these two are to me. I'm so pumped, you guys, to introduce Sarah Wineshank and Kim Condon of this bitch podcast! Woah! We fucking made it!


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[Assistant] Have you guys messed around with trans people ever? Like bullying them online.


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[Assistant] Well, so what possessed you to reach out and do the move?


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[Assistant] That's my mom. Oh no. So I have to tell you that like, I've known it when people have hated me. Like, you know, sometimes just in public, they fucking hate you. Oh, I have a perfect story.


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[Assistant] This is my, uh, if I were drunk or high I would have cried. I was at the comedy store, just so you know, just so you feel better about yourself. I was at the comedy store in the OR. I'm getting ready to go up.


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[Assistant] And I've been doing this for years, where whoever's standing next to me, whoever the fuck it is, man, woman, dog, cat, fatso, weirdo, whatever, I just kinda touch them and I go, hi, how you doing? Yeah, I did that too. How you feeling? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so I did it in the OR last time I was in LA. And I go, hi, how you doing, how you feeling? And he goes, don't touch me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is this? A comedian? No, just a person, a customer. And he goes, don't touch me. And I thought he's joking. And then he goes, no really, stop touching me. And I was like, oh.


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[Assistant] My god, and I felt so bad, like how, what you're talking about, where I was like, did I just, like, I'm a pervert and I violated somebody's boundaries and that's never happened before. No, I totally did. Stop making me feel bad.


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[Assistant] Right. That is a weird living in Vegas.


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[Assistant] We were both lesbians. But I think that's why you're cool, because you weren't raised


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I have a question for you. Would you cold plunge? Yeah.


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[Assistant] I like it. I like that Tom is, is masculine energy and I can, you, cause the woman can relax into it. You're not all, you have enough going on as well. I take care of the kids, I take care of the, and to know that he's got me covered, you're like, okay, that part of my brain, the survival part is free. That's, that's it. That's what you need.


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[Assistant] Listen up, Sarah. Does she have period blood on her forehead? Yes, and then she makes art with it. I went down there rabbit hole. Hold on, but listen, Sarah, my husband's giving you knowledge. I heard it, I heard it. This is the downside of going to an all-girls Catholic school, is that you're not familiar with males, normal male being men.


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[Assistant] There you go. That's called balance. But how much, how little do you want your man involved in your period? Like I can't repel him enough. Oh please, I want him gone. Yeah. Away. I want a yurt. Like didn't they used to put women in menstruation cots?


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[Assistant] I'm significant, I'm about 40 years old. But maybe, maybe that's why, maybe we could look there now for you. Cause I feel like if you want to, you want a baby, you want a baby daddy, maybe it's that low T King, he's in his 50s, he's settled. That's what I want.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you, but you guys are in the sweet spot of society. Your age, I find, like, you're not in that whole Gen Z crybaby bullshit of like,


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[Assistant] I would love to get a grill. Would you get a grill?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know why the gays are upset about- are the gays upset or the straights? It's always like, who's upset?


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[Assistant] But that's only in like, in like Latin America, right?


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Who's hot, who's a hot feminist that I like and they're all not?


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[Assistant] Yeah, and be able to do it without being shamed because you're not out there making an income. I think the flaw of feminism is that we make success in what's considered good on a male, a male spectrum. Right. Meaning you're successful only in so much as you are


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, you're right, I agree. Why is that the only form of uh, worldly, you know, success is what I'm saying. I don't know.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you what's a great thing about my husband? He's never been cheap.


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[Assistant] Even at our, listen, even at our poorest, our fucking, living, living in uhm, the rampart division in a shitty little apartment, he was never, and he never did that shit. Like, I'd pay for this fifty-fifty. And he didn't have two sticks to rub together.


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[Assistant] There you go. Sarah Washington has her own Patreon.


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[Assistant] Another reason why I want to leave Walmart is that I was supposed to have a break over an hour and a half ago.


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[Assistant] Yes, so she could use, so we have one called the Lucy, it comes with a bullet and some different sleeves to the bullet and we're gonna start selling one that has like a little finger.


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[Assistant] Uh, I'm happy to request things that I enjoy. We always suggest mentioning something on a podcast. I was thinking this podcast sounds crazy and fun. Uhm, once, I had this boyfriend that wanted to always like finger my butthole while he was coming. Like he would be on top and he was, I could tell he was about to finish because he would just go straight to my butthole.


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[Assistant] Go towards my butthole when you're orgasming. That's not- I don't-


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[Assistant] The whole back, it came around the side too. No real significance, he just liked it. I'd love this.


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[Assistant] Totally. I'm not gonna sleep with him, but uhm, I do think he deserves some kindness from somebody. His mom was mean to him. Yea, definitely.


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[Assistant] And I, it's not for me, but it could be for some people.