[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think so? I just like the burping part, I don't like the vomiting stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't because you don't have a sensitivity to it. I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I know that. It's a mental problem. I know that. We've covered that you're the psychology champ already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have fucking problems with things that most people don't. Irrational problems with things, I know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm a little, like when baby jeans throws up, I don't go into a full panic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I really care about, is how I react around him, you know, cause I don't want him to get weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not some dumb shit gargling of expensive oils.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe this gal and the urine gal could get together and exchange all kinds of body fluids and groceries with their mouths. Then at least some freak could get off on it. Alright, there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The conspiracy of medicine, of western medicine. I love when people, uh, yeaah, get all conspiratorial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can have your 500 million dollar jackpot in Powerball or whatever the heck it was, but I'll take this baby. Four, four lightning strikes, four episodes of Thunder Snow. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Spanish Mephreny of not just being married, but also a raw dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, we're hoping to get more raw dog. We got some raw dog tweets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the same room? But I mean like I think it's because the illusion of that being a thing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The marketing of it is something that's not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can hear my lady going, is that temperature right? Like, there's nothing happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. That's it. I mean, literally, we walked in the room, they leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I thought like, you know, it's our band of smurferny, you do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I'm saying in retrospect, to pay more for that? It's foolish. It seems silly to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're already, you're breaking my balls. Right. You're breaking my balls right now. Pre-show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's content, and you're saying there's no content, and you're lying, and your mom's a liar too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A promoted date of mine for a long time and it's finally here. I'm really excited to go, Jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing four shows at the Kakadera Theater in Fill Her Up. Uhm, I'm real excited about it. I want to thank everybody who got tickets. It should be four packed


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really fun shows. The great Josh Potter is joining me. Should be a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's great. He's great. Uhm, after that we have Thanksgiving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I go to West Balls Beach, Florida, the improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, four shows only in West Palm. Please come out if you dare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The improv there. That should be fun. And then I start a crazy tour throughout the first quarter of, uh, 2017. And in January I had Kansas City, Oxnard, New Horror Jeans, New Horror Jeans, um, Atlanta, Clear, Brown Water, Florida, and... It's a good one. Pala, Hussey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really excited about it. Jeans, I know you're going to Washington, DC to welcome our new president, and that's going to be in December.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your mom's house podcast.com. Don't forget the holidays are getting closer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, also thank you for, to CoolEd for the, you know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to YourMomsHousePodcast.com, click on the Mama's On banner, and do your shopping there. Have it gift wrapped and have it shipped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Couple, uh, first in the air guys, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's saying, maybe there's a resurgence of it, but I feel like, you know, he's coming back. I feel like that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I trim his beard the way mine, the way his is, I could probably...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the other thing is, don't you even consider


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Water Champion shirt, uhm, is a hot seller. It's a great Christmas gift.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So why don't you talk about, how did exactly you line this up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, if you want to follow the trajectory of the whole thing, what was the story I told you? I brought up something a few weeks ago and you go, no, it's not that weird because of the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, for this, what stood out to me was I was just on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And happened to click a video with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sent that to Blue Band and I go put this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then like, when I saw his name, I go, I'm gonna look him up on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because you have fucking bums you're hanging around. So, and you were laughing. Like, those are things I just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Typed in and I go, these are great clips, I know this will be great for our show. Then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We talk about him on Rogan. That reach is so massive that it gets back to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you see your name in a piece of spam mail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we know that, yeaah, because he obviously, he blasts out stuff about it. So crazy. Then we reach out, and now he's on our show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So. On the pre-show. Sorry. On the pre-show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you sold it so hard and you're like, you fell asleep. And I go, yeah. And you're like, I heard you snoring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, yeah. And you go, you farted. And I laughed so hard. And then I was like, oh shit, did I really? And, and you actually convince me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, they go, you know, it just, it just happens. Yeaah. Because people relax. Yeaah. It's exactly in that, in the scenario you're describing. There's someone pushing on you. Yeaah, and you just, you rip one. Yeaah, you rip it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Pretty fucking hard. Well, it was Banis Murfreny, man. You convinced me to go for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fucking thing. I've downloaded it. I've used its anti-sleep system. It's on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because that's reading something and enjoying it. But when I have thoughts, and you go, tell me what you just thought, and I go, I don't want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so exciting to us. You have no idea. I mean, I know you've seen the footage of us talking about you. We're huge fans. Uhm, and this is just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of the people who have studied under him what they've earned


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I stay productive, Dan. I stay productive, you know? Oh wow, I guess so. It fuels my business. It fuels my material. But see, it's a very, uhm, it's a very smart, uhm, approach to a conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny too, by the way? This is a total separate from this. I just realized that I reacted the same way now that I did in this video at the same moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lastly, because I know we don't have much time, as always, you look incredible. We wanted to know, what's your position on jeans, first of all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should by the way, I know it's been a week, uhm, we have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't, I don't know, it's not really a mystery. I didn't, I was not a fan, not a fan of Trump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never wanted him to be president and I never thought it would be possible. But I will say that I think it's important, uhm, to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, he won. You know, I feel like you have to give your, for the benefit of your country, give him a shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I'm saying, you can be disappointed, but you gotta give them a shot and see what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. So uhm, I do have, I did think, I'll give him credit, I thought he gave a very


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice, uh, victory speech, uh, when he came out. I have a small clip from that, and then we'll move on. This is him, uh, moments, you know, after accepting that he is the President-elect of the United States.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're fired up. Uhm, so, do you remember a while back, Jeans, we had uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I wanted it to play. So do you remember a while ago we played this, uhm, this British hooligan fan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who was like, saying blood and femme. Yeah, that was a good one. He's back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we're talking to, after he lost, lost,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has a pretty great accent, but he also has the slang that you don't get to hear, I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They said that this clip here, the interviewer tries to suggest that the team that they lost to was good. And that maybe upsets this guy, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sports do that, sports are like politics too. It's so much like it. Like that seems bullshit, man. They get so fed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's, you know, this is something as a master, people have asked me, you know, can you do this one? Can you do that one? The answer is always yes. But now to educate us further, we're going to take this tour of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know what it sounds like actually? That sounds like the way he just said that, that yawkshe, sounds like the, um, the farmers on Downton Abbey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The people that worked, like the actual, so it didn't sound like the down... The sheep farmers. Yeah, yeah, the people, the actual working class. Sounds like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder where. Lancashire. Fictionally or not does that take place?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the two, the Google machine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About five miles south of Newberry, Berkshire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, uhm. You should see where the show takes place. Yeaah. Let's see. God damn. Yeah damn, that's a lot of cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy is so good. So good. That I feel like he could be, he could sign up for my, my masters program where he comes and stays in the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, uhm, do you, can you believe it 20 years later though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember like beats the first time where you're like, wait, what? What did you say? Beats? Like beats in the movie, moments. Oh, that's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this guy? He does how to do a Scott. He does American.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there more birds? Are there more birds? Are there more birds? I feel like I said it more American by listening to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens is, I'll go into a strip club with headphones on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So people know. So, I finished Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In high school, as a sophomore, I took the AP...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a little advantage, right? And I passed, I had like A's with everything. So they go, you should take a second language. So what I did was I signed up for French and I got a D and I was always really disappointed in it. Then a few years later, I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget online or something, I found a French tutor and I go, I'm going to try to do this again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I met with her a couple times. She gave me tapes. This is when there's cassette tapes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I signed up for this online course about somewhere between 15 and 18 months ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know when you like, it's like a diet where you're like, I'm not going to say anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there's that, there's also, you gave me this great idea to try to be a retarded comedian, and I was thinking, what if I did that, but in multiple languages?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not gonna hold me to the same vocabulary that an able-minded person would have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such a beautiful idea on your part and I just wanted to credit you with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this is, this is actually made me, this made me laugh so hard. This is from a DJ Dadmouth video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this dude Trone wrote, this nigga gay as shit. He can say he's non-numeric or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DJ Dadmout bruh, the fuck. Also he's mad corny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But really thinks he's really fly with that dead squirrel around his rusty ass neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what hip hop has turned into. We've let too many white people in, and now they've brought that weird shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fact that this dude thinks this is a real DJ is really, really fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, I just think it's great that he's like, this dude's ruining him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Took drinking the dirty ass bathwater like a true champion. Love you all. Please come back to go bananas and do a live podcast, keeping them high and tight. My big words. Mwah Dan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tan, sounds like you are not smart. So, let's move it along.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeans, do you remember this? This is in our breakdown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they still pay to keep it up. This is the only, the one and only true dedicated Christina P site.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody wrote about lion Tina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, how long do we have, do we give it until Tina says she saw Cuba Gooding Jr. break up a fight in New York City? Chris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And somebody weighed in on the Tom vs. Burr psycho debate. He says, Tom is 150% more psycho than Bill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First, let's be clear, Tom is definitely the water champ and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But laughing your buns off to a guy's reaction to getting his legs crushed by a car is Ted Bundy level craziness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Christina, I'm with you on this one. Tom has that bloodlust boiling up inside and needs to go hunting with powerful Joe Rogan to release all that before the bodies start piling up bigger than the poo pile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for being awesome and helping me when I'm feeling bad. You guys are a fun couple. Peace and love, Daniel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just for a little, uh, balance here, another email. I've listened to Burr's podcast for a while. It's actually how I got turned on to your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It takes about five minutes of listening to that show to realize what a psychopath Bill really is. Tom is not even close to that level. Jay Fizzle. Jay, you seem like a really, really sharp guy and I'm a hundred percent in agreement with you. He is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mommy says, watch Patreon number seven. It looks to me like Mommy Tina is sabotaging Tommy's hydration. She sits there with an open La Croix, La Croix next to her, yet she's drinking Tom's Perrier. I call fuckery. If you see something, say something, Sean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that brings to our attention that Patreon has been off the fucking chain lately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really has been. So uhm, first of all, thank you Sean, and she does pull a lot of bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's not cool, she doesn't share, and she's selfish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do eye rolls, don't act like you don't do eye rolls. Yeah, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that it's actually that the gypsy calling out videos for fights has expanded to women. That's really exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether you win or lose. And it's also, it's kind of track-suitish, isn't it? It's like a zip-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember when it was introduced, uhm, into MMA at first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a diss. Was that even a diss? That was a diss, yeaah. Uhm, first of all, this first bitch that came up. Yeaah, it's a lot. She was intense. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Perfect smile. Uhm, man, that first lady's a savage. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her voice is like pills, smoke, drinks, smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke. She loves that real Romney Shio lifestyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what a motherfucker is that we're doing right now? Furniture shopping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's just one of those things where you don't think about it, that you're, when you move, sometimes you go like, oh yeah, uhm, if I don't get something, this room will just stay empty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's how bad we were with that Bert Kreischer told us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That it was a frat boy chair. When you have Burt going like, hey, uh, what's up with your chair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here is a closing song, it's uh, Six Butts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's pretty great. Uhm, thank you DJ Linkenden. Linkenden. Linkenden. Uhm. That's really funny. Look, we are, we're back. Not that we went anywhere, but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't think I could, uh, okay. Well, let's do some, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dumb cunts. Yeah, that's right. Right? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Uh, this weekend, I am continuing on the oddball tour in Tejas. Uh, we got Juustin, we got...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we got, uhm, Momston to all Texas states. Uh, and then the final weekend is the following weekend. That's September 30th through October 2nd. Uh, the Shoreline in Mountain Jews... The Chartline. The Chartline Amphitheater in Mountain Jews, California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the Irvine Meadows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amphitheater and Spermvine. And then the final show of all of this thing is in Fartniks at the, uh, at the whatever pavilion there. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, uh, let's see, I have one show only in Ontario, California at the Improv October 6th. One night, one show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, then I go to Charlotte, North Carolina. I haven't been since, I think it's been over a year. So I'm excited to do a weekend there, October 13-15. Then Cox Comedy Club in Manfran Disco, California. And uhm, finally I finish out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] October at Caroline's on Broadway in Jude Orch Titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's already a sold out show there. I believe Charlotte and Cox have one too. Uhm, I'm also hitting Raleigh, Louisville, Philadelphia, and West Falls Beach, Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All those tickets are at TomSegura.com. Go to the shows page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, man. You know, I was thinking, you realize that one of our first really hardcore laughing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got so, you're like, I wanna do this. I know. You got so excited about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kicking guys in the balls. It's always amazed me and I think most guys that this is legit a turn on for some people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, uh, it was Spanish. I think it was like Argentina or something or Uruguay. Uhm, but they had like really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That girl made that guy bleed, and he was loving it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she kept saying like, suvri, suvri. Like she wanted him to suffer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very painful. By the way, a lot of people have told me to download caffeine so that this stops going to sleep. I got it, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no blue band in the room if you're wondering why. It's because our schedule's been so crazy with all the in and out traveling that, uh, you know, with coordinating that with the baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, I don't know if this is uh, I like the dissolve. I think this one is okay to play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who I think that is? I think that's how does my asshole smell, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Asian-ish. Asian adjacent. That's what I would have gone with. Yeah. She looks Asian-ish. She has that voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta find that. Hold on, we can't move on right now. My throat hurts. Have I been snoring? Like a donkey. God. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, some people the degradation is what really gets them going, you know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but you're right, the thing about, I mean, no woman can fully grasp


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How awful to 99% of men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you've never seen me, I haven't gotten kicked in the balls since I was a kid, but you know, the dog can step on my balls and I'll be like, I'm out of it for 10 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hitting, you know? I mean, there's grazes. Sometimes your balls can get grazed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you go, oh, it hit my nuts. I'm alright. And then you're like, ugh. Like you feel it go up into inside your kidneys basically. You're like, ugh, it takes you out. And these guys are like, kick me as hard as you can in the balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's her. No. Listen to her say fucking. Okay. Listen, listen. That's her. Hold on. You gotta listen to this real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well some of these, let's see if there's any clothed ones, because sometimes they do it with clothes on, and sometimes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kicking or kneeing the balls as the guy orgasms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus, you're really on a tear today. There's ball stomping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really wanna see that? Yes! God, what is wrong with you? I don't know why you wanna see this. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what you're gonna do, uhm, you know, as soon as I get off the road here, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, you're gonna do ball kicking and fart videos when I'm off the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go, you don't have anyone else in your life, so who cares? God, I'm just looking at, there's so many of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just pages and pages of like ball busting, ball kicking, uuuh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw one of these once where uhm, they were doing the video, and the girl was kicking him, kicking him, and they had to get a replacement guy, cause she, I think like, ruptured one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a, there's one here where a lady's got on boxing gloves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think that uhm, I think that our guy, I think that guy's like the star of, you know, I think he's a hero in that world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also imagine that if you shoot those, uhm, you also have like weeks off between them, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this video is called, I Bet You He Can't Come With Broken Balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you try that line? Get the balls! Maybe you can try that line? Okay, let's go. Wanna hear it again? Mhm. Alright, hold on. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't that, uh, remember that HBO thing? That girl that did like the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, like the behind the scenes, you know, like the sex answers, remember? Uh huh. On HBO. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Katy Perry hosted this thing, uhm, on HBO and she was like, yeah, the thing about porno is you just, uh, it's like yes ending. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got it down for sure. Um, I had a lot of fun in Des Mois. Uh, one thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me, that I got to do. Where is it? I had it all queued up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the ladies that was showing us the home goes, I go, where would this room be? She goes, you could use it as a library.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I had a lot of fun in Des Moins and then I even got to go have some fun on the morning news show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Arm kidnapping and then he, uh, everybody had like a nickname in prison and he found some duct tape so they called him duct tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, it changed, you know, like when I was like a young, young kid, I feel like it started off with, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was edited down to three minutes. I also did the weather and we have a weather video to show you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. You wanna see weather first?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was crazy. Yeah. I never thought duct tape would be so giving, you know. It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fun to do morning news when they're fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, you sent me this thing. You sent me, uh, Corey Feldman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No clue. And then did you write back, how hard did you come?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shows you too how people let logic go when someone's really famous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, they love him because he's so talented and famous. But I'm saying, if he just was like, oh, you know that guy Michael? He works at the, uh, the craft store. He loves sleeping with kids. He'd be like, yea alright. So he's gonna spend the night with your children. No he's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, you can see, like even at this point, the Michael Jackson influence, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's like, you know, Mike always had like very distinct, uh, and white and black was always his thing, you know, like, uh, and you can see that that's what he's going for. The cover art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember, you probably weren't into this, but in the 90s, when uhm, like that, there was this, this southern genre of hip hop really exploded. Yes. All their cover art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it looks like, it looks like what, like, uhm, like, uh, making us say, uh, like, all those guys, their cover art was like tanks, and like, just a guy in a gold, like juvenile in them, and uh, I can't even think of his name, but uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, here's Master P album covers, okay? Like, here's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, yeaah, that's what I'm saying. All those looked like that back in the, in the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you do it when you're a pop star. When you're like, big. All those, like Katy Perry who does those pornos and like, uh, uhm, you know, like, uh, yeaah, whatever. Whoever the biggest singers are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's, cause it kind of, uh, it kind of made me, reminded me of something else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you just heard it, you'd be like, eh, it's not, I mean, I'm not going to buy this, but you'd be like, it's alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that it's him, that you know him, and the dancing. The dancing is outrageous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I mean, Michael Jackson rocked that. Yes. There was a point where he had long hair, he combed it back here, he kinda pinned it back and then left some long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the reason I think so many people made fun of him after this besides how bad it is, you can tell how sincere he is in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I know, I know. I'm not faulting him for it, but when you see someone trying really hard and it doesn't go well, then they come in on you hard. He probably has been just tortured since this came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, there's something here that says it's really not going out. Going well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While speaking out against today's show reaction, we're petrified to even go out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's like, I think there's a video of it. It got, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is delusional and I don't know. I mean I think, you know what the other thing is too is that you can almost blame the Today Show. Like if he had just made a video for this or something, it wouldn't be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's on the Today Show. This is like part of, like, they fucking... This is the thing where they go, oh, Rihanna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has a new thing, she's gonna do it on the Today Show, and they put him in that series. Wow. It's really weird of them to do that, you know? Yeah. He said it's been really painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, it's really bad. This is really bad. Uhm, the dancing is really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amateur Michael, like, entry level moves. He's like, he loves Michael Jackson, he can't do Michael Jackson moves, so he's doing, you know, little things that are... The dance class. Yea, it's like, you can see the little moves, he just, all the stuff Michael Jackson did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, see? That's, that's totally Emory stuff. See? All the, the foot, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know. I think your body's just getting rid of everything. How is that weird? I don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really good question. What do I call a doctor or something like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think maybe you're, I think maybe you're just so focused on, when you have diarrhea it's more like your brain's like, oh shit, this is intent, this is real, you know, this is not normal. Maybe you hold your peachy a little bit, and then when you brown that out,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you relax more and your body goes, no, let the pee out too. Maybe that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the thing, you're like, hey, let me bring this up that you didn't want to tell me earlier. You're like, I got something I gotta talk about. That's it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know what, uh, maybe that is, and it's really interesting, and I think we should explore it more, maybe some other time, uhm, but I don't think it's heat leaving your body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You called me the other day as you were eating veggie chips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hear it amplified? What do you mean how could I hear it? It was amplified. It sounds like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's, cause on kind of suggests that I sat on, here's how it was. I was sitting in a chair with my legs open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, that was awesome, where's that from? She thought it was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you fart in your feed, he gets up and he walks away. He doesn't like farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, absolutely, of course I do. It was just such a good opportunity. I didn't know how to pass it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if I could, if I could explain a little more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a meaty kind of rich lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they were extra like, you know, I don't know, they were extra cooked up. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had felt a few like really good ones leading up to that. I knew it was going to be good. You knew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, that one wasn't great, but aside from that one, I didn't know you heard that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't very nice. But aside from that, it's been really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next month, it's in October. I think I'm going to have to move it up. Yeah, because I think I'm traveling on the date it was scheduled. You gotta do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think, I think it was uhm, you know, just like that early morning, you know, food made of, I was on an empty stomach. When you eat on an empty stomach and it has any richness to it, you know, it still happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the best. Yeah, that is the best. It's a little stand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes good tacos. She doesn't really make them, but she sits out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's American Wagyu, and there's Japanese Wagyu. And the Japanese stuff...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so fatty. I don't know. I don't even know. It's delicious though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's much shorter, uhm, and it was cut a week ago, so you can imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I, I had to get a, so here's the thing. When your beard starts to get really thick, you don't just throw the trimmer on it, right? Because your hair starts to grow on your face like it would on your head. Meaning that it's better to have a professional trim it because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're talking about long bushy hair, then it's growing in different, you know, directions and different lengths. So, but when you have a pro do it, you know, they'll comb it like they would your head. And shape it like you would your hair. So my guy is awesome. He's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's out of town last week and it's getting, my, my beard is getting like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's too thick. So I go, can you recommend me somebody? And he goes, yeah. And he sends me this dude. Good guy, pro guy, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just don't give him any, it's my fault. I don't give him any heads up. Like he just goes, oh what's going on? I go, well this thing's out of control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he doesn't ask me much more and I was like, alright. And he starts doing all the stuff that I'm used to this guy doing. You know, combing it, clipping it with clippers or with scissors like you would head hair. And then I go, yea, down here, I don't know about, you know, pulling it up some. He goes, oh yea, you don't want a line. I just kind of blend it in and I go, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He throws his clippers on, like, mm, and you hear them and I'm like, yay, and then he just goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And clips it all off and I was like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And after, like, uhm, uh, something really dramatic, you know you can't go, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, we don't need to yell at him though, because like I said, I could have, when he said, how's it going or what's going on, and I was telling him, I could have said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was just like, yeah, it's long. And he just went at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We even talked about it, you're like, maybe you should just cut the whole thing off right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I considered it for a moment and I was like, well, there's still some there so it's probably better to not trim it more. In other words, it'll catch up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had that once in a hotel where I called the spa and I go, I want a deep tissue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I get in the room and it's like this frail older lady and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you do deep tissue, huh? She's like, that's not really what I do. That's what I booked. She's like, wait till you experience what I do. And then she was just like, like just touching your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and you're a big, big proponent of separating, you know's, you know what I'm saying's, you feel me's, you know what I'm talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I like you knows. Me too. But, uh, to me it's really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The special thing is, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let's see here, there's that, there's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah. This is the one time I'm gonna say we shouldn't listen to your dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of, uh, you know what I'm saying, do you remember this song, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some spanked me a few times and like the third time I laughed and she was like, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I guess it's Japanese kids. I think that's what it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, Johnny Scotch, for sending that in. Oh, I have some, uh, a couple submissions of horrible or hilarious. Would you like to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It got funny. So, this is a thief. He uhm, he was stealing something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think he assaulted someone, stole something, and crashed like this and now his leg's all fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he was trying to get away from his robbery, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cabron is like, you know, fag, asshole. Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's like, how good, like, you know, that's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And that guy looks like he's about 5'3", maybe 130 pounds. So, you're just shit out. That's what it says here. You're just shit out. You've got no fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what he's talking about. You think you guys have fans, but no one here knows who Duran Duran is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that guy says, them fucking hawks are playing well. And then the guy goes, you want some? You want some?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he said, uh, well the Hawks are playing well, which I definitely did not get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little, a little drunk aggressive man is the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I was thinking about maybe a new exercise program.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you get the idea of what she does, right? And then it's like, work out while you're cleaning stuff, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, she's a real go-getter. These poor women. And then this is the best. She, with her camera, thinks this is a really great opportunity. She's a construction worker working outside and approaches him about lifestyle changes, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, she, he's like, this is what I do. She's like, do it. Do you feel a difference? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a pretty good idea. Uhm. Alright, James, you got anything else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? I dunno. Look, they spelled Macy's wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pardon. Pardon. Pardon. Please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm in West Big Balls Beach, West Palm, West Palm Beach, Florida at the Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next weekend, if you're listening to this and you're in that area, I'm not going to be in that area of Florida for a long time. So, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make the trek. Treasure Coast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to the Palm Beach Improv at City Place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big room. Real big room. Uhm, and then I have a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] December 13th, I'm gonna do one night only at the, uh, ice house, Pasadena.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] June Year's Eve, I'm in Mom Lando at the Improv there. I love that club. So I'll be doing, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be doing New Year's there, Jew Year's there, and then, uhm, the New Year starts, the Jew Year starts, and I got a bunch of stuff, man. Go to TomSegura.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slash Tor. Click on that page, and uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bunch of stuff in January. Kansas City is in January. Oxnard is in January. Uh, New Orleans, New Orleans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jew whore jeans, um, black lana, uh, clear farder florida, tala hussie. They're all happening in January.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of them are one night only, so you gotta get on them. That's good. We added, we added shows, I forgot. We added a second show in Chicago, and a third show in Mommyapolis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're, uhm, in either city, shows have been added. And by the way, uhm, whatever, just go check out the site, okay? Jeans is going to Washington, uhm, December 9th and 10th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nooo, no privacy. Uhm, you ready to start the show, Jeans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you call the blue band right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's so much amazing about that clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Uhm, by the way, oh, this is what I wanted to say. Don't fucking, don't fucking break my balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's breaking your balls? Someone right now is breaking my balls. Who? Because there's no video today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All kinds of stuff. And I know some people are like, dude, I fucking, I like to watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're fucking up my thing. Well, look, it's chaos right now. So you guys are probably like, well, good luck to you then. Well, you know what we're like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and look, it's chaos in here right now. There's, we did this like a, this is a makeshift studio right now. There's cords laying on top of stuff, like this isn't set up, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I mean, you're somewhere on that, you know, you're below. You like that, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this says, this is for, for fire service. They, they, they watch, it's a fire service hoarding scale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So level one is the start. Most of the homes we see are at this level. You encounter large amounts of materials that find normal clutter, apparent signs of insects, some apparent signs of insects and rodents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We might be at level 2. Level 2 is a hoarder home that the amount of overall clutter has begun to appear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the point where you would consider the amount of belongings to be over and above a normal level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One or more exits are blocked. Housekeeping is at a minimal level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At level two, the piles of belongings may be at or above waist level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Windows are starting to be unusable as piles to continue to get larger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the goat paths become the only access usable space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I guess cause they're so narrow. Maybe? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Level 3, the clutter may be visible from the exterior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stairwells are mostly blocked from belong with belongings. It's just a narrow path. Level four is also the beginning of the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, beginning of the end of the unusable areas of the home starts from level four. Most of the rooms are unusable. Hoarded space levels, uh, the piles of belongings will be at the ceiling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All cabinets are full, even under the floor spaces. And level five is uninhabitable. Unable to enter. There's obvious structural damage. Broken walls. Man, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause this is like, that was, what I read to you was for firefighters. Cause they, they do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is a different, this is a different one. So this one, level five is, uh, according to this, animals at risk and danger, uh, pervasive spiders, roaches, mice, rats, squirrels. Yeah. Key living spaces are not usable. Um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Toilet sinks and tubs are not functioning. Human urine and excrement is present. Rotting food, cans or jars are expired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not puffy, I can eat it. They're bacteria. Is it puffy yet? She would ask that, and they're like, no, not yet. Well don't throw that away, shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the, I think, why they had viewers. People were like, I got my shit together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of alarming shit on that show. One of the most alarming though, was when they had a psychologist was on. Do you remember that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nooo. We're not there man, you gotta be kidding me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that bad. We're not that bad, but it's just, it's, it's still, it's chaos for not mentally ill people, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, we will be back with uhm, you know, with an actual camera show next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I just saw what he did to this too. I think he gave me a modification hole there for this. What I was looking for. I'm excited. I'm so excited to show this to people when we have it set up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I guess the story is, this fucking lunatic woman gave this kid up for adoption.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they were, uh, reunited 20 years later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, and he talks real dumb like mom does. You can tell that they're related.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uh, that's about 19- that's 1991 logic. I mean, are you- are you gonna marry your dog?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? You have a father, what's wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you took away from this? Guys, you gotta go to fucking school. You gotta study, and you gotta not marry your mom, and you gotta not be like the gays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to fucking hit you for even asking me such a disgusting thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's like you always said, you know? You've always said, no no, you've always said, why, why do you have to tell everyone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy was like, I told my parents over Thanksgiving dinner and they're like, why, why? Let them eat stuffing. They don't need to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm Polly and I'm bi. I'm Polly and I'm bi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or in this case, like, nobody cares. Well, it's disgusting. People care if you inform them, but no one cares if they don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I want to thank everybody. I can't even really describe. You know, I've had a lot of fun on the road recently with like just being


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best part, that's the best part. But the second best part has been the shows. And I'm saying, raw meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my God, this weekend in Philadelphia gave every show of the last year a run for its money. That's how much fun it was. The crowds were amazing. And so I just wanted to say thank you everybody for coming out to the track. It was awesome, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I could. I wish I could marry each and every one of you like you were my own mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's great, man. I mean, same old shit. He's still in Buffalo. Uh, in Bar-falo. Uh, he's still doing his thing. He was hilarious. He killed. He killed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let's see, what is Josh Potter? Josh Potter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His self deprecation is also super good. He's at J underscore Potter P O T T E R. Yeah. He's on, um, shredding Reagan in Buffalo in the mornings. Um, he's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really a great guy, but like, I probably got hit up after that show. I can't tell you how many times people are asking about who he is too, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, I think it reminds me, I am going to her city later in the year, maybe I should bring him again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they certainly got, you know, there was a hello and a goodbye. I don't know if anything happened. I mean, I don't, you know, I don't hold his hand when we walk around, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh turned me on to the whole story. Josh was the one who let it be known, uh, who she is and, and what exactly, what was going on. The story of course was about, um, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He told me about that story and I was like, wait, what? And then he actually is the one who


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, he's the one that, that got me thinking about which position in football has the best kept and worst kept assholes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we had it even this, uh, this weekend in the car with the Uber driver was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you really gotta understand football to have an opinion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we basically excluded everybody but linemen, you know? So we have our top tier, grade A assholes are like the quarterback, D.Va receivers we decided are probably like just real nice assholes, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're talking about the best of the best are probably wide receivers, diva, corners, and quarterbacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's just, you know, they just appear to be guys that take a lot of pride in appearance. They take care of themselves physically. They're in great, phenomenal, athletic shape. And uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they, they probably take care of everything, including those rosy red assholes. So that was, that's a conversation he and I had, and then it, it further got into, well, then what would be the worst asshole? And that's where we, we have a difference of opinion. Cause I say offensive line, and he says defensive line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. I mean, I've heard people say that those are pretty bad smelling sometimes. What do you think this guy smells like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think this guy? Wow! Christina's talking about Vince Wilfrick right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't know who that is, you can look them up, but I think a lot of people would look at that and go, oh, that guy's asshole is a disaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm wondering, uhm, let's see, who we could probably look at that might change your opinion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a, for the, okay, he plays for the Chiefs right now. Let's see what this guy's ass, what you think of his asshole. Think this guy's asshole smells. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he's, he's got it shaved like you said, it's groomed. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay, uhm, let me, let me pull up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What makes you say that? It looks like a real nice smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His bad facial hair for sure. His dirty guy facial hair. Yeaah, he's got just the chin cover. The shaggy. Yeaah, the uh, the one quarter of a goatee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you think so? How about uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Left tackle for our Los Angeles Rams. 6'5", 3'32".


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. Well, that's, I mean, come on, it's going to take us a while to figure out, but I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, look, I just showed you a couple offensive guys. You said one was, was really gross. Um, so let me give you a big, a big defensive lineman. This, maybe you're not even following necessarily, but do you think this dude's ass smells bad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's looking at, uh, Michael Brockers right now. He's a mess. It's a mess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well see, Josh's theory is that the aggression with which this position is played, in other words, these guys are chasing after the guy with the ball. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leads to a funkier, dirtier asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I think so too. And if you don't want to, too bad. Cause he is 6'5", 326.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, yeaah, he's a big dude. Man. Alright, uhm. Oh, I wanted to show you this. This came in, it's pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's, not only do we have that, we also have from India. Oh my goodness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, uh, Sean sent the, uh, the Indian edition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the children of Kolkata, uhm, he did it so that they don't suffer the same fate as burnt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and then Chris wrote to us, I moved to Japan to teach English. I remember specifically that mommy Tina, AKA water champion asked for a video from Japan. So I made one for her. I hope mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is from Chris. Let's see what else is in the Japanese video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, and we've had this, how many foreign language ones have we had already?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you Chris. Uhm, Chris had the kids draw pictures of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so here's the thing, Bert and I have a weight loss competition going now. It's really real now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we have a new side bet going. So, the big bet is that whoever's lower has to take the other comedian, the other friend, and for some reason Ari too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just weaseled his way into it, cause he was the driving force he said behind it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other, the other, the loser, the guy who weighs more has to take the two other people to like some desirable event, a concert, a game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a new side bet and it made it really real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me down, yea, I gotta win. The new side bet is that the loser has to shave his beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, when I texted him that, I go, how much anxiety does that give you? And he's like, so, so, so much, so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he sent me a picture of him at some press event, like years ago, without a beard, and I was like, woohoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well it's just funny, he goes, and I, and he goes, and I waste so much less in this photo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen him without it a while, but you know, I'm kind of banking on a couple things. First of all, you know, I've been working out a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the other thing I'm banking on is his gluttonous lifestyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's the holidays. Oh, forget it. And guess what? December, I'm home. He's on the road every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I want to win for a lot of reasons, but I also think I have that in my favor because I don't have to get to like a crazy number to win this. I think if I just get ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and then you know, just stay, stay working out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think that, I don't think he'll be able to dial it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's funny, so when I weighed in with him on Ari's podcast, I was 242, and he said he was 240. Bullshit. And I go, okay. And then he uh, he texted me like a week later, he goes, I was lying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, a lot of people came up to me and fill her up and they were like, you know, you're smaller than I saw you last time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're gonna beat Bart. I got a lot of people pulling for me on this. I mean, he's got his, you know, he has losers, like people that are into him, so they'll be on his side. But like, uh, you know, I think, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really think if I stay, I think December is going to be a big month for me with I'm home virtually the entire month. Routine. Get on the routine. Sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think that those, those, those road days he has coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing about it is, what actually happens is the booze...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens when you drink a lot of booze? It leads to more food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I think his days are fine, it's just that when he starts boozing it up, he's then going to need to fill up the stomach with something. The alcohol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. In which case, yeaah, he could. If that was his big, if that was his big goal, he could do it. You know? But he can't, cause he's on the road. It's just like the gays. You gotta, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, that's our new side bet, the shave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's embarrassing and if I were to do it, it means I would go to I think Kansas City with a fully shaved face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It grows back so fast, but it would be shaved for longer than you think. You know, it would, uh, it would take to the end of the month to start looking like myself again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funny thing about when you start eating healthy and like sticking to something, you're like don't even really want to do that stuff. It's a bummer when you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's big girl. I don't know if it's seven, but I mean, it's, it's definitely, it's definitely gotta be like close to five. I'm thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really bad. She looks like she's the couch. She kind of, my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The synonym is fluff, but it's not gonna be nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't believe, by the way, I don't believe that she believes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her arms are the sand. Like it just kinda goes through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I try to fart on Mike all the time. I had a big fart before we were rolling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A show where we have some meal before that'll create a lot of farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was that Peruvian joint on the east side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something about it was like, there was some type of oiliness to the way that they made it there. Where whenever I ate it for dinner,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next morning I'd be in bed like, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr. So maybe we need to have that one day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yes, the thing is we're gonna have to really work on this, you know? But that's what scientists do. I mean, you know, trial and error. Keep trying. Do we get it right? Do we get it wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now this poor woman actually, I mean, she needs to go to the hospital. She needs that surgery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she's making the best of her horrific situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but she should, I mean, I get it, but she needs to work on staying alive. You know, she's passed the point of like, oh, uh, if she were a couple hundred pounds less doing this site, I'd be like, oh, okay. I get it. But right now, like she looks like she's going to die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's part of the illusion though, when you're fat, the denial is you go like, oh I like food. I like it so much. It's my thing. The reason other people aren't like this is because they don't like it as much as I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feel this, a moment, a feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This thing. Well, every smoker that quits gains weight always. Some of them gain incredible amounts of weight. I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I've seen people put on 50, 60 pounds, 80 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we got an email here. Dad accents. Hi mommies, in episode 369.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Master of accents and water champion, Mommy Tommy, talked about how Top Dog would speak to Peruvian family members.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In English, the same way they would speak English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you might find it interesting that my dad, a white cisgender man, does exactly the same thing with Asian people. My dad makes toys for a living. So growing up, he was in China a lot and he's traveled to many Asian countries as well as many other parts of the world. You would think a well traveled mommy


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such as himself would be respectful of the cultures and dialects he was exposed to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well within the last few years, he started doing this really neat thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's also gone as far as to ask people in a Korean restaurant, what part China are you from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It warms my genes to hear that the legendary Top Dog does the same thing and that our dads have something really neat in common. Hope you mommies have a stress-free move. I'll see Tom on December 30th in Momlando-Bow. Dude, that is so fucking funny. And it's so amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, it's such a fucking dad move. And he does, my dad does it like, it's so embarrassing. And he's like, Juanito, Juanito. Cause he, he doesn't do it. He can't, he can't do any like correct Spanish. He's like, Juanito.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, tomorrow, maybe you'd like we go a very good place to eat. And they're like, okay, deal. Like, why are you talking to him retarded?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is fucking amazing. God damn. I gotta fucking figure out a way to incorporate this into more. It's so fucking funny. I love that he does that. I really love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there's another culture, especially Latin, I think it's like he's saying his dad spent a lot of times in a lot of time in Asian countries. It's the, it's the foreign culture you're most associate comfortable with that you do it to the most. So my dad would do it probably to more Spanish speaking people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if someone was Spanish, he would start speaking retarded English that a Spanish person would speak. And this guy does it to Asian people, which is just outstanding. This good, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine my cousins too would probably like, of everyone I spoke to today, only he talked to me like that. Like a retarded person. Yeah. Cause I never ever was like, school fun today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, a listener wrote this in, hey Tom, wake up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best of luck, a concerned fan of the show. Joshua, thank you very much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well thanks to the unexpected 100 or so episodes that you guys put out all at once, I decided to go back and listen to some classics. In a recent mom-isode, Tina claimed to have a story where she went to the dentist, and they told her she had 15 cavities, so she went to another dentist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think she'd have spoken up at that time? I don't know. Liar? 808?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Well, you know, just know that the listeners are paying attention. Okay? They are paying attention, they are dotting their I's, they are crossing their T's. It's just like the gaze. Okay? So, you can't get away with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let's see here. Uh, here's a weight loss email. Dear Tom, number one champ forever. And Christina, number two water champ forever. Rude. Forget this email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your bet with burnt is an easy win for you. Money in the bank, you know what I'm saying? You or Christina had stated getting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had to put Bert at the kids table and made him sit by himself. He is not 240. He is over twice the weight of Billy Burr and Grapefruit Simmons combined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Burt is at least 270 with an added 20 pounds of box wine and holiday weight. Well, there you go. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Uhm, jeans, there's a, a new accent, master of accents to break down. Okay. Are you interested?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really hurtful. Why would you say something like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he said, Hey y'all, I'm whatever his name is down here in some part of Louisiana. Before I leave, I got ahold of a, what's his name? It's 48 pickup truck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he got it from Angola State Prison, uhm, it's got a bed on it, they used to haul like, printers and shit around on it, and now he's gonna modify it to make it into a camper for himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There were some guys there that I didn't understand, but I also live with Marnell. He was my first roommate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hulled printers back in the field? No, hauled something else back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] BJ Porter told me the funniest thing, uh, the writer BJ Porter told me that his wife has it. She's also a writer. Uh, when like, when people wear like fashionable camo, she'll go, thank you for your service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know where, maybe Alaska. He doesn't make the cut this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, they would fail without question. This guy might pass, you don't know. If he built a truck and made it into a camp, I mean, you never know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He called this an ingredient though. Here's a, I think what he just said, here's a good ingredient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. So he's got like a makeshift.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is RV, I guess. This is a hillbilly RV. That dude is special, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the sound of joy. That is glee. But this guy, he gets glassing sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, you're making us sound bad and you're like, oh, these Brits got it all figured out. What about this shit right here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there are people that are wearing puppy or dog zip- like leather zip-ups? Like S&M. Mhm. Dog masks. And they're on their hands and knees. And this guy had them in a cage. He had them in a crate. And he's describing that it's not just about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's just like the way they talk about it is like, it makes my fucking butthole pucker. It makes my asshole pucker too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'll just give him a treat to keep him doing it. He pulls his dick out. There you go. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit's weird guys. Shit is weird. It's just like the gays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, we gotta go man, this computer's about to die, and I don't know. Yes, it is. One of the things that I don't have is a charger in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, it's Thanksgiving, so thank you for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you guys for listening. This is our first episode in the new house, in the new studio. We really hope to have uhm, oh my god. We hope to have a lot more up and ready to go and have our cameras back next week. And uhm, I don't know, we love you. Thanks for listening to the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, go to your mom's house podcast. Oh my God. I forgot to tell them this. There's a huge sale, uh, on the merch page. Uh, it's, it's, it's going to be black Friday and cyber Monday. Big sale on all your mom's house merch. So if you're.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, uh, uh, looking to shop like a lot of people are during this time this week, go to your mom's house podcast, podcast.com or go to thompsongara.com 1000 ranch.com click on the store takes you all to the same place. Big sale this Friday and of course cyber Monday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks again for listening. We will see you in a week. Bye jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, just for your viewing pleasure, I'm throwing in a bonus, generally evildoing, maniacal type laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of the fake artificial world. Everything's artificial. All of these nerds going and fapping to Victoria's Secret.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of great comics on the lineup, uh, Sebastian Maniscalco, I know, uh, Gaffigan's doing a date, I think, uh, Brian Regan's doing a date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, John Oliver's doing one of the dates. Uhm, then Malaney. Uhm, a bunch of people are on them. They even created a space for Bort Chrysler to come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's doing it and uhm, it all starts August 25th in West Palm Beach at the Perfect Vodka Amphitheater and we go all over man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the way, the way that this works is that there's like a big name every night. Uhm, like a, you know, a bigger comic, big name, comic, uh, I mean, some nights, like I said, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, 15 minute sets usually, something like that. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So those are all, all dates. Go to TomSegura.com, click on the shows page and get your tickets now. Uh, jeans, you want to get us started?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a colonoscopy, uhm, we were texting about it the other day, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And crazy hemorrhoids, you know, like where his asshole would swell up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said, I mean, you just have to sit there and fart for, for what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Danny, will you do Hitler Baby for your mom's house Christmas album?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always on YouTube, every episode. I'm dressed very nicely today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know who the most famous soccer player in the world is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember when he pulled his dick out at, he did it at the Irvine Improv and they banned him for a while?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember I did, I've told this story before, I, we're talking like a few years in, I didn't really know, I knew who he was, I was kind of intimidated by how, like, you know, dark and like, his personality was, you know, he was a weirdo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello? Hey. Hey buddy. Hey, uh, you're on a recorded line, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're on a recorded line because we were, we were just playing clips of you on our podcast. We were playing clips of you farting. And I was talking about how uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta do a Kickstarter Ferrari. Alright, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeah, I did not know that. And I mean, was it, was it like a turn on at all? Like were you aroused at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice! Alright buddy, well you're traveling the world, you're living it up, we hope your asshole's okay. And uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good, I'm glad your asshole's a beautiful tunnel. I can't wait to hear more. I'll let you know how mine goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pray for it. Send him butthole wishes and compliment him on those farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you give them- By the way, a bunch of people told me they were doing my line to like their girlfriends and stuff. Wanna hear a cool fart? And they're going, wanna hear a funny fart? That's not how you say it. It's wrong. It's, wanna hear a cool fart? Right. And then when they like turn? Fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our baby, uhm, my wife is convinced it is cold, even when it's 106 outside. So the air conditioning, which I would have down to like 66.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's talk about the fact that I'm wearing a Danny shirt, even though it almost all went to shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they came back with it and they're like, Oh, what do you need? And I was like a bunch, a bunch more sushi. And then there's a table next to us of this big, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did, like, somebody cut him off, like my mom said, oh, we gotta go do this. And I was like, hey, you didn't finish that 50 caliber story. And he's like, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and his whole thing too, if you go like, what's, why, you know, what do you, why aren't you like over here? He's like, I'm bored.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never would have done it. But I might have done it if I had a healthier hog on me I would have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, you know how when people get a hair on their tongue?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it's a thrill. It's only maybe something to get really into if you definitely know who's sending it. There's something intriguing about the person. But if you're just getting unsolicited dick pics, I'm sure you're just like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean like for the casual, just, I gotta get this load out. It is the most, yeaah, most magical thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Girls are topless wearing thongs that are, that are like sheer, like it's see through thongs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like that he is putting out there what he's into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Would you, would you think a date with him would be absolutely terrifying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's right. He's right. These guys, they know women. That's one thing. These guys know women. Uhm, every time I see


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, AJ Hawk here says a bangle, former Green Bay Packer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I spent my life playing football, training hard, hitting players, making tackles, and helping my team win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. We'll give you 800 bucks and uhm, we got some free weights that we're not using anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is your baby teething? Use the TomSiger dick model.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, by the way, so last week we played this, uh, the Patois guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was uhm, he was, we were trying to translate, it's probably the worst version


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've ever done, we didn't come close to getting any of it, you know? Really? Well, I mean, we couldn't, uh, we couldn't understand anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Making me feel like I got the highest and tightest jeans in the universe. First things first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, you're great, but the lies must stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So and pass the station and go over the bridge and go back. So go down Union.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay, so there's a, I guess we should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, of course. So, that's a real quick thing. Also, aside from Bertrand, thank you to everybody that got a double pipe classic shirt. Those have been restocked. It's a beautiful shirt and it's a special thing to celebrate with people in your life when you burp and fart at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this dude is gonna go, uh, he's on a snack counting tear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't see any mom shirts, but I'm sure they have them. Okay. Yeaah. I just didn't see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright James, we gotta get going. What do you wanna, what, you got something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the poster? Yeah, I mean we have, uh, well for Patreon, people at a certain level


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, for everybody else, you can still get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be on the site. It's a commemorative Cincinnati fart poster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, cool. Uhm, and there are, by the way, uhm, all the Patreon fulfillments have been going really well, everything that we, you know, put up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We said we were going to do what we've done, including bonus content. Uhm, and there's a, there's a new,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bonus episode coming out on the first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your Moms House Podcast dot com, TomSiguro dot com, Thousand Ranch dot com. Thank you guys, Patreon dot com slash mom for listening and we hope to see you at a show. Thank you for listening to our show and we'll, we'll do it again next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The American people already know that Bill Clinton is a bad boy, a naughty boy. I'm going to speak out for the citizens of my state who in the majority think that Bill Clinton is probably even a nasty, bad, naughty boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, Butter and Salmon. I love Butter and Salmon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the road, jeans. I'm doing things. I'm flying all over the country. I like to spread laughter. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, uhm, so, check it out, I'm going to be in a bunch of places, Holmdel, New Jersey, Mansfield, no, that one got cancelled, right? Long Beach, New York, Camden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let's see, White River Amphitheater, Auburn, Washington. I'm gonna be in Woodlands, Huntsman, what is that? Woodlands, Texas, Dallas, Texas, Austin, Texas, the Shoreline again, the Irvine Meadows Amphitheater. Uhm, Cardnicks. He's doing Irvine Meadows? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is all part of the oddball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing, uhm, all over the country. Go to oddballfest.com or tomsegaro.com for tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everywhere, there's a bunch of comics that are doing it, uhm, different people in different cities, so you have to look for specific people and make sure they're in that city, but I'm doing all of them. I know our friend Sarah T. is doing some. Tony Hinchwith, Bart Kreischer, Joey Diaz, Sebastian, uh, Brian Regan's doing a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Dane Cook's doing a few of them. Uh, Ali Wong's doing a couple of them. Uhm, what's his name? John Oliver's doing a couple of them. He does dance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I'm doing that through the first weekend in October, then I go to Charlotte. Uhm, North Cackalacka.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing the Comedy Zone there. Then Cox Comedy Club in Manfred disco, California. Uh, Judor Titties, Caroline, I'm doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the Laughing Derby, and of course we added a third show at the Troc in Philadelphia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cock in Philadelphia, November 19th, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm also doing West Palm in December, the improv there. So, bunch of dates. Your mom's house podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the worst part is? People don't understand when they go like, hey, do you want to do something? I go, I can't. And they're like, well when can you? I'm like, next year? Cause I go, dude, I can't. My schedule is too crazy. Yeah, I don't have any time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Alright, hold on one second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How appropriate. You ready to start the show? Yeah. Here we go. God damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you've been knitting about the last year and a half, two years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't look soft. It doesn't look silky smooth. It looks like it'd feel coarse on your little head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I smelled that monster fart you dropped yesterday. That was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there's not a lot of people that are the, that come up with an idea where they feel like this is a truly original idea. And that evokes pride. Like there's no one has done this before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew that was coming. It was just filling me with so much anticipation and joy. Look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh. What made you vomit more, urine drinker or pussy blood knitter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know, I just got to Melbourne and I'm probably just gonna take it easy. I'm performing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. About anything. As opposed to terrify them? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go man. Different strokes. Same strokes. Same strokes, everybody's the same. Ah man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so much to talk about, Jeans. First of all, we should mention to our Patreon, Patreon listeners, patreon.com slash mom, that we are releasing the live episode from Flappers on Patreon later in the week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five dollars gets access to the backlog of bonus episodes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rewards offered at different levels. Every first of the month, release scans of our notes from the month, desktop wallpapers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we also released a poster, uh, many of you got the Cincinnati Fart poster commemorating the infamous Cincinnati Fart. Many of you have seen the documentary film that 60 Minutes made, uhm, the little teaser, uh, that kind of revisited the Cincinnati Fart and that poster


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to a bunch of people that subscribe on Patreon. So please subscribe to patreon.com slash mom and get all the extra


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bonus stuff and yes, live episodes are definitely going on Patreon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't bust my fucking balls about it. Uhm, I, there's a bunch of proof that it needs to be there and not as a regular release. And that is because we released live episodes, uh, over and over and over on our regular channel. And, you know, even though I enjoy them, you enjoy them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And some people do. The masses prefer the studio show. Regular. It's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a whole bunch you want to get into. Uh, there's emails, there's uhm, you know, there's videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your question was, what do retarded people do all day? Yeah. And, uh, we discussed that at length and then a lot of listeners volunteered, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. But you did see them a lot more. And there's a whole life goes on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then from 81 to 92, it was called Association for Retarded Citizens, ARC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now, yeaah. And then they changed it to the arc of the United States. And they said like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They said, here it says, as the terminology, the words, uh, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The term mental retardation remains the terminology used in the medical field.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they used to medically use the term moron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think idiot preceded uh, moron. But yea, in the early 1900s they used to be like, he's a moron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did have my glasses on. Uhm, but you're right, I think, so there's a little more like hidden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the grocery bagger, uhm, back where I went, uh, in Florida in high school, they were all, uh, you know, disabled guys. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was fun, I used to always do this to Charlo. Uhm, so the guy would bag our groceries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When he'd put them in the car and he'd walk away, my mom would go, thank you. And I'd be like, mom, is something different about that guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't move along with the times as terms progress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, well you know, and her friend's right there. And she's like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to do a lot of things for him. I was like, oh. And my mom goes, her son's retarded. And I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, oh, okay, okay. But I just, I lost it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of them drive themselves to work every day. Good! Keep that in mind next time you're at a crosswalk around the freeway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my experience, there were several male employees who when they were walking towards the restroom would start dropping their pants around their ankles well before they entered the restroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And would usually come out at the same time. You do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting. Every time I saw a naked man with Down syndrome, he had a massive hog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love the show. Keep up the good work. Gabriel. Thank you, Gabriel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Florida, I work at this school for over 10 years and I have seen some shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My girl is a high school teacher and works there as well. We love your show. I have to say I envy our students honesty. Brutal honesty. And in some cases, their total lack of inhibition. I enjoy their company more than most people. If anything, they're a lot like you always doing and saying hilarious stuff. I see Tom is coming to camp on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I can find him in opener, lol. Uhm, also watch out for special kids, they have Pika.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, mommies I'm writing in, uh, listening to episodes regarding daily life as a retard. My wife worked as a living caregiver for two women who were retarded. Uh, both I believe in their forties. Old for a retard, right Tina?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry to inform you that it's not all day old donuts and porn marathons. It's actually pretty boring and much similar to the life of maybe a grey school kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, sorry, this just caught my eye. That an actual retarded person just wrote in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says, my name is Mike. I want to tell you about an average day for me as a 28 year old retarded person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not even day- they're not even weekly. Those are once every few months those dumps. Where you're like, I gotta change, I gotta get naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Why wear your good clothes? Don't wear your Sunday best. You're about to go wade through a storm right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really bad. It was really bad. The nose was just filthy. I don't wash my face ever. Yeah, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a no. Yes, no, no, I did. I didn't use that one. I used the one in the shower that you said is... The scrub? Not the scrub, the other one. Yeah, that's a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the one thing I didn't realize about facial, because I think I've only done it one other time, is uh, how much there's, they're just not there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, okay, like sets you up, rubs something on your face, puts the steamer here, and then she's like, I'll be back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Tom is funny. I like Tom. My friends like Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I appreciate all the input, all the interesting things everybody told us about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we, a few weeks ago I was hanging out with Matt Folchron and Mike Cronin after uh, shows in Columbus. And somehow, we were just talking about football I think, and it just prompted me to pull this guy up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mark Davis, the son of legendary owner and coach Al Davis of the Oakland Raiders. He inherited about $500 million. And uhm, that's what he looks like. That's what he does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the crazy thing is, I guess people rightfully give them shit constantly about the bowl cut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He drives 500 square miles to get his hair cut like that. 500.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is uh, one of my favorite shots with that expression.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my favorite picture though. Just because of, look at the way his arm lays in his crotch. It lays real special, right? It's weird. Yea.