[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it really isn't. It was like, I understood that it was like a marketing thing and you guys weren't over the top with it. She's wearing red, you're wearing white and it was like, it was gimmicky. It's not like your whole act was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like the less I put into, especially stage, the better. So I was wearing like t-shirts, but then like, if that t-shirt had a hole in it, I'd be like, that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my comedy home. Yeah, and then I remember one of my friends was like, Hey, you know, you really, you really look like shit on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of trying to. That's what I'm going for? And he was like, you know, it's not appealing. And I was like, yeah, but I'm like, I'm not that guy. I'm not like the clean cut guy. He goes, I know, but from an audience perspective, I want to see at least something just pleasant to look like somebody put together somewhat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So crazy. We had long talks about this, but Josh and I did a few oddball dates, remember a couple years ago we did oddball? And I was just like, tell me Diaz stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and also I was like, this is like, we're dudes with style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did they fall out? I feel like they had like a good kind of cornered thing of like, it was, you know, it wasn't cheap, but it wasn't like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The structure close. That hair is amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like there, it would have been Carl probably doing just slinging jokes for like 25 minutes, just- Well, that was my time, 25 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do they time sets then? I had a little clock. You did? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember getting paid? I didn't get paid. It was just like a... It was... Do you want to open it for Sam Kennessy?


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[Assistant] Some people have some chuckles in that crowd, right? A few? I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're also much more inclined to not watch what's in front of them. If you're standing, you're like, Hey, what's up? You're shifting a lot. It's like, it's so stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's also like, it's also an ongoing thing. Like in other words, with like, with this past year, I learned things that I'll apply to next year. Like what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It puts stress on my life, on my home. I don't enjoy it. The fun is not as there. And then also, the shows become less fun because it's too many shows. You start getting burned out from, like, it's not fun to say that bit anymore because I said it 30 times, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's okay to feel this way. You should feel this way. If you feel a certain way about a line or an expression or something in your act,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just, it doesn't sit well with you. That's the only instinct you should trust.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the comics that are celebrated and talked about the most, it's because they provide like some insight, right? But those are the ones that the press celebrates and the press, uh, publicizes. Oh, the insight from, you know, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Louis was very insightful, you know, I say was because he died, but yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know, like, I have shows and I have fun at the show and I feel like the audience is laughing, but like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll never be regarded as high level because I don't provide, I don't have like some great intellectual insight where they go, I never thought of it that way. And like the way you do like hear a new, like a burr bit where you're like, oh my God, the way he,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Breaks that thing down. So I would feel like really shitty about that, but then I would think about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so he's like that, like Patton's like that. I'm like, oh, those guys are just, you know, it's another level. They're just so much better and so much smarter. But then I started thinking about other comics who were really highly celebrated, who it was just, they're just so funny. And then like the first one who I fell in love with would stand out to me, which was Eddie Murphy. Nobody talked about how Eddie Murphy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My thing was that I would feel better about myself, thinking that like, that dude's show was just about being funny. Kevin Hart's another one. There can't be a bigger, more famous comedian on the planet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not because he's just extrapolating this one idea, it's because he's himself, he has a lot of fun up there, and he's just a naturally funny dude. Right. You know, so I would always think about those dudes when I would feel badly about not being the other guy. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It, it sucks if you, cause you start comparing your, it's natural. You go like, well, but I'm not these five guys. You know, but then you realize that like, you don't have to be those five guys. Those guys are who they are. Um, that's, that's what they bring to stand up. But there's great examples of people who are just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Funny, having fun, who are essentially saying, don't come here to learn shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just remember like that my, like I, it's so embarrassing to, people don't realize this, but like most comics, you think about like the first thing you put out, I'm like, I'm not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not totally ashamed of it, but like I'm not, I'm not into those jokes. That's why like it's, it's upsetting to me. Like I put out my first album in 2010, which means it was basically what had been built for 10 years up to then. Um, and it was definitely what I was touring with all of 2009 and most of eight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, you know, I, when those things come on, I'm like, oh god, like turn that, somebody's gotta turn that off. But then like my dad will be like, you know what I love? And he loves that first album. And he'll mention, I'm like, dude, I don't, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm not proud of that. Like I don't want to, I don't want to talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think, I think without a doubt they would. I mean, I've never even really considered that idea, but I think without a doubt because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people like him would like that first album, is it's basically a feature X, you know, I mean I'm headlining for a couple years at that point.


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[Assistant] Your whole, my whole goal was to kill, and like there are a lot of laughs, but it's not, I'm not being myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The version of who I am on stage is so much truer to who I am now. Then back then it was like, that's a writer performer who's just...


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[Assistant] I'll talk about, I'll say this joke because I know I can get a laugh out of that. You know what I mean? Like it's not, there's like, there's very little me in the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's definitely a moment in there where you're like, and I can remember being like, I think I'm stronger than this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, okay, it's interesting that you say that because I think people listening or who like, you know, follow Stam to go, go, wait a minute, like, you don't want to kill? Isn't that like the whole purpose? And it's like, it can still kill and still be really funny when you're not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds weird to say when you're not going for killing. In other words, that can be some of the funniest shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it's funny and it's true to who you are, I dunno, it's funnier, it's better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. I really am excited to be able to see it. That's very exciting. Uhm, yeaah, another thing I was going to say that you're really good at is... Oh, I'm so excited. Talk about me again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, talk about you, is uhm, you know, you're really good at sharing the personal and making it funny. Oh, thanks. So you take like real, the real things that are really going on and I see you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that, that, like the same thing we were talking about, like, oh, that sucks. I'm not doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have to, I have to get my headspace out of like, don't try to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't try to do what Josh is doing, don't try to do what Christina is doing. Don't get distracted by, let them do what they do well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had to tell myself, like, just try to do what you do and try to do that well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, he's so celebrated, particularly by our circle of like fans and friends. And like he's so naturally funny. What? And you know, I see him go on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The craziest thing about, he's one of these, if you give him 20 minutes, you better back away from like, be like, dude, like when I did a show with him one time, he was like, how do you want it to go? I was like, you're going last.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, alright, alright. Like, it's so crazy, but like, so that's where he is now. What, like, what was his, like, what was he talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They somehow put together, they're like, they know that's how this guy talks.


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[Assistant] They know it's not like, like he actually would be like a defense that somebody else can't use. Like that's how I talk. They'd be like, that's fucked up that you say that. Like for him, without explaining it, they go, oh that's just how, like they, they buy into, that's his vernacular. That's his. Just throw it on the couch or something, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are the ones who let a chipped tooth just go, uh, uh, unfixed for life. They're just like, I chipped this tooth when I was 11 and you're like, you're 48.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100% man, that's how this segment basically started. It was just telling people to fucking put off an iPhone.


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[Assistant] I think it is, there's some things in life, it is worth, worth getting some debt on. It's like, someone's like, oh you know, I try not to live debt free. Take a couple grand in debt to have all this. And like, just pay your shit and get focused. Put it on plastic, dude. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe our next charity will be to take someone like that. We did a charity toy, uh, thing this, this holiday. And we, you know, we sold some, uh, merch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, raised a bunch of money, and then we went shopping, bought tons of toys, and uh, donated to Children's Hospital of Los Angeles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. Yeah, that was great. And there's a vlog of it. I mentioned it before, but if you go to our, our YouTube, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it's one of the reasons I take business cards, or uhm, you know when you park, and you park in a, uh, a lot, and they have like, uh, that ticket comes out? I'll keep those in my wallet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what happens is if you're somewhere, let's say you're at dinner.


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[Assistant] And you, you're in a restaurant, and you're like, shit, like, and it's like bothering you, you have something, you don't floss on you. Usually steak, I get steak caught there. I'll go to the bathroom, pull out my wallet, right, and I'll be like, okay, I'll just go through my wallet once, once again. Ah, here you go. And then that thing that's here, I just stick it right through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it really works. And I'm telling you, when you're in that, you know, sometimes it's a little thing and it just makes you freak, like it's making you crazy. And I'm like, I can't get this out of it from between my teeth. Where, I don't know, like I said, you're at a restaurant and I just gotta do something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nanny's day off and we'll start off and it's like, especially cause you know, people don't realize it with adults, but with kids it's so evident about the beginning of the day mood. Like he can wake up and you're like, this is a fucking angel. Like he's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like giggling, it's just all fun. But a kid wakes up in a bad mood at that age, like at 18 months, and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, when, uh, when there's whining and crying


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[Assistant] And you're like, well, maybe you're hungry. Oh, you're not. Maybe you want to be changed. Oh, you don't. Maybe you want this toy or something and you don't. And then like nothing satisfies the wine. Dude, the, you know, six hours into that, I'm like, I don't fucking know what to do. Yeah, it's, it's so. Can you please take a nap?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check in the hotel is like three. Should we wait? Should we put him down for his nap at one?


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[Assistant] Get up and then be down there at like 5 or 6. And like everybody we knew, all our friends were like, dude, leave during that time. He'll nap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were like, alright, we don't, we just don't normally do, we don't do that. Yeah. Okay.


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[Assistant] And they're like, ah, I think so. They're like, is there a crib in there? We can get one. I'm like, do it fucking now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would, it would soothe him. So like, baby is here, he's crying, you go shh, shh, and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sound would soothe him, but there was times when it wouldn't do it, and I would catch myself just going...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a clip from, uh, Josh's new specialty site in Boise. Oh no. That's exciting. See.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that that grunting is actually him trying to get out of pipes trying to get through a space. Yeah. Oh


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[Assistant] I was just thinking, we had Dr. Drew here last week, and we showed him a bunch of our classic clips, and he voted on whether there's drugs or trauma involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Africa, forget which country, uhm, maybe Ugandan or something, and he was talking about homosexuality, and he was saying that gays eat each other's shit. I don't- Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the part that makes me kinda sad though, is that he didn't just go, you get it, and then like, next sentence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see this, uhm, this Australian, uh, news team? So like, there's an Australian news show, and one of the anchors, uh, is like, they're about to go live, like in a couple minutes, and she notes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The three people who are about to appear on camera wearing white. And she's livid. And she's like, tells the other, one of the women like, I already fucking told you that I was wearing white. But it's like, this is all stuff that wasn't supposed to air but it was captured and then released.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she told the other girl, I'm wearing white.


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[Assistant] Two and a half hours ago. Two and a half hours ago, as Josh was noting that she mentioned 18 times.


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[Assistant] I can make mediocre shit sound okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Yes. Scared of any moment of stillness or something.


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[Assistant] But it also keeps an audience engaged. Exactly, that's what I'm saying.


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[Assistant] I can't, like, if I were, I can physically walk like that, I wouldn't, like, my material would feel weird coming out, you know, like it would not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wouldn't, uh, work for me. Yeah. I would, I would, it would feel like two things that just don't align.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, that's interesting. Uhm, that's a scary one, you know, when you start thinking about your biggest weakness. Uhm, I don't know, man, I, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like some people are better- Well, I think it's prob- the weakness is probably then in writing. Because I don't write physically. Like I used to write a lot. And I've done the last three hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, analysis and, and, and diagnosis I would give myself is that it's good to be able to do the writing on stage, but I should add more of the writing off stage to enhance it. Cause the few times that I've been like, Hey, what's that bit and actually written something down, it got better. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a laziness where I go like, yeah, but it's good enough. Like it's working without me doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is it a bad thing if it works? It works, but I do think it can work better. In other words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I admit it. I don't like to admit it. I know it's, it's like, if you're talking about like working out, you're like, yeah, I live weights. And they're like, do you ever do cardio? And you're like, nah, but I mean, still strong. You know what I mean? Like, you're just like, I know it can get better. And, um, it's laziness. It's like a reluctance to do the more work. I do the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that how you do it also? Totally. I tell exactly how it happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kind of, by like the 10th time, I'll be like, alright, it has already some good laughs in it, so I know, I like this story, I'm gonna stick to this story, but then I'll start to be like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something about this section is just, it's a lull. Yeah, yeah. And so I'll either try to cut something out of it or add something to it, you know, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Add some jokes to it, add an enhancement to the boring part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you take it? My inclination will be the heighten reality. Mine too. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say like six months into telling that story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm almost like, I know the parts that I really like but it still has bland parts. I'll start to add a punchline or two to certain sections because I feel like, oh that's really what it needs to be a completed story. Like it needs a few jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And so for me, it helps- Or like, it'll be something that'll be like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, some, some action happens, and like in reality, the guy that I set up in the story, let's say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Right, right, right. Yeah, it's just like, I mean it's like seasoning, you know, it's like I call it a little salt and pepper. Yeah. Like you're just, you're just adding a little bit to the thing to make it taste better. Yeah. So it's like, yeah. But I'm not like, I'm not saying like, and then he pulled out a gun and you know what I mean, like it's not this whole made up thing. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The weird ones are like when I got, there's stories where I've told like verbatim and then people are like, I can't believe you can make something like that up. I'm like, this is a hundred percent, hundred percent true story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That story is actually true. Yeah, I mean like, I know the Mike Tyson story that I told in my special and then I told part of it on Conan to him. People were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like, and then just scripted 50 lines to one another, and they're just like, isn't that what you guys do? Like, I mean, people have their own imagination. Sure. I'm like, dude, I'm just telling you exactly how I met this guy on a plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're allowed to fuck with them. Yeah, you're fine. You're out of the woods. Yeah. Cause it seems to me my inclination would be to not act like you know. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's definitely one of mine too. What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? Yeah, like you go, like I want to talk about this. Yeah. And I'll pick, I'll pick an angle. I'll pick a line. You know, I'll pick like, this is how I'll say it and I'll do it. And it's like, eh. And I'm like, and I'll go to like another show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, oh, I should talk about that. But then you're like, yeah, but I did try to talk about it. It didn't work. Yeah. You know, you kind of just throw in the towel early.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah, yeah. Not trying bits, but like. Oh yeah, inadvertently. Dude, my new special comes out January 12th on Netflix. Congratulations. What's the name? It's called Disgraceful. And uhm, there are people who listen to this podcast will recognize


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Entire, like almost entire bits that the origin was like talking about something here or finding something here and then talking about a clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and, uh, yeaah, that's now like, you know, a bit in my act, yeaah. How many specials have you put out? This is number, this is the third special, but like, uh, the fifth, cause I did two albums before, but the third special. But five hours of... Stand up, yeaah. Stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See that's the difference, she has two foreign parents, I have one foreign parent. So I always had the one to be like, don't listen to what he says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but I know we uhm, we always celebrate uhm, you know, miss saying words, but also expressions, you know? And like even that's something in her act, but like we've always celebrated it. And one that I actually thought, I actually thought that it was this way for a while, was I thought it was ahead of the curb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the curb on the road. I didn't think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I've known now the correct version for years, but I'm saying for many years I did not. I thought-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At his, uh, eldest son's graduation, or his 16 year old son's graduation coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean unless something horrific happens to you, you're going to be a great grandfather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 20 years from now, I mean like, that's not, not that crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did picture that as being like, you have to be 104.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, you're a good guy. We gotta get to this right before we wrap up here. So we've been on this thing where, so my father turned 70, uhm, over the summer. And at dinner one night, I, uhm, we had like a family reunion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my mom, like I said, who's foreign, I said, mom, you know, dad, this is the last night, he's 69, are you gonna 69 him tonight before he turns 70?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, what? And then, and then everybody laughed. And then for the like kind of remainder of the week, we would always make just these very juvenile 69 jokes. We've since told our audience every week they have been sending in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They take it seriously? The moms get real mad. Moms are really not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Juvenile, which makes me laugh the most. So I got some new ones this week. Uhm, here is the first one asking, are you gonna 69 before you turn 70?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is by Jay. Looks like some people have now figured out to not share their full name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. Alright, here's the last one by Adrian. Thisdude69.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have to cut down the ones we show, because we can't just show them for an hour, but yeaah, they have not stopped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, uh, produced, uh, oh, it's a young Patreon, identical dicks, produced by Taylor King. So we'll leave you with that. Uh, thanks for listening. We'll see you guys next week. Uh, thanks again, Josh. Thank you. Thanks, Mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see the temperature for game day on Sunday? You're playing indoors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your object of desire. Her charm, her sensuality, her passion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try her taste. Feel her smell. Hear her voice.


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[Assistant] Uhm, spring. Spring. I'll come up with something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I'll be watching, uhm, September 22nd and 23rd. I'll be in St. Louis Tits at Helium Comedy Club. And then October 3rd in Nardsville, Tennessee at Zany's Comedy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] October 4th, Charlotte, North Carolina at the Comedy Zone and then October 8th with my mommy doing your mom's house live in Spermvine, California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to 7-Eleven, you get your two hot dog dinners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you got youth on your side. You never gain weight and you never get sick. I used to drink like a sixer beer and then come home and order like a full pepperoni pizza at, you know, one in the morning. You'd be fine. Eat that, go right to sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's that miscellaneous dog. It's in the hot dog section. It's not a hot dog. It looks like ground beef, but in the shape of a hot dog. Do you know what I'm talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're one of those people that can quit the job, or not quit, and then come back. I always end, like, that's a lot of nerve. Cause in my world, I was always too ashamed to show my face again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a copy of the Blair Witch project on VHS, like a bootleg copy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't believe that was a woman. Oh, you gotta play the Moose Soup Lady for full charge too. Oh, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is an entirely different dialect of English. This is the equivalent of Scottish versus the English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. Right, like it's her charm that she can't conjugate properly or... Yeaah.


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[Assistant] She's on Facebook and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're right, I think there's some parallels.


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[Assistant] Now, Tom, fill her up, seal her shut. Is it the moose soup lady or is it, uh, pizza shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was bananas. I think Florida in general, they come out and they come out to have fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Top, top few. Definitely. Yeah. Top five. Easily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I forgot that I actually saw Top Dog's legs.


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[Assistant] It was the third time, one time in his boxers in the kitchen, in the paper thin boxers, second time when I saw his balls on the cruise.


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[Assistant] But then on the other side, we saw like a super fitness dads and super fitness moms. Like these are, these are people who, when you have children, there's really not that kind of time to be super fit. Like it's the anomaly. If you're in like amazing.


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[Assistant] That's, that's, that's it. And that's the difference, full charge, you nailed it. It's like being acceptably in shape versus perfect. Cause perfect is just, that's your whole focus is you're, you're going towards that all the time.


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[Assistant] I feel like my bar is low-ish. I'm like, as long as I'm not overweight, like I've had cellulite since I was 12 and I just don't care. I'm like, meh. Like one time my step sister was like, you know, you can run and not have cellulite. I'm like, nah, I don't care. I just rather have the cellulite. It's fine. It's fine. Who sees it? Like Tom. I don't wear shorts.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I just grew up having to accommodate adults a lot.


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[Assistant] So, for those of you not watching, this woman just took a bunch of bananas, put it on her ass, and then farted. And this is the kind of stuff I'm talking about when I talk about fartmistress.com.


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[Assistant] No, she's got her cigarette, she's gonna, she's farting on her Marl Bros.


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[Assistant] Now if she were smart, she'd have a film container and then she could smell it later if she sealed it.


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[Assistant] But anyway, some other people suggested just Tupperware too, like old school Tupperware is a good suggestion as well. And we've also had people offer to send us film containers, this one photographer said he'd be willing to send us a bunch of empties.


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[Assistant] Now I went to high school with a girl who looked like 30 when she was 15. Like she just had leathered skin. It's just genetic.


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[Assistant] Or just the way children look at you now, and you tell them your age, like 41. That just sounds like 101 to you.


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[Assistant] So full charge, we were in the airport yesterday and


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[Assistant] We're trying, we're having a debate here, whether or not it could shed black.


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[Assistant] Right, but it looked like a French pedicure. You've never seen them in black. Uh huh.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I'm debating whether or not it was a French pedicure intentionally.


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[Assistant] Well, you'd think too, because the nails were so long that they would hurt in your sneakers.


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[Assistant] See? Hungarian, Hungarian, invented it, Hungarian. It works on the principle of a lever.


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[Assistant] Uh, but isn't that what your spouse is for, Jean? To bite your toenails off?


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[Assistant] You mean the issue, the most divisive issue in America is not cat people versus dog people?


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[Assistant] To blackface. Because why we're mocking black people? Is that the idea that they're being overreacting and lampooning and over the top? That's the idea.


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[Assistant] I would say, doesn't it count the spirit in which you...


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[Assistant] I mean, I mean, we, we love this stuff and it, regardless of, uh, gender or color or...


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[Assistant] Now I like the thumbs up that's not as white as I am. It's like the yellow-y one.


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[Assistant] Matt Fullerton, that's cultural appropriation. That's what she's talking about.


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[Assistant] Right. Why is there no gypsy emoji?


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[Assistant] Now see, I wouldn't do the black fist because I would go like, oh, that's too racist. I would, I would pump the brakes on that one.


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[Assistant] There's so many. And that's the thing, I don't mind that people are...


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[Assistant] I just feel like I love people, I don't really.


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[Assistant] Yeah, cause if you're just like, that person's Mexican, sometimes people go, oh, and I go, no, I'm saying they're literally from Mexico, it's not.


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[Assistant] Well, and you'd think that he doesn't want to talk about that topic. He gave you a no. So then, if I were the interviewer, I would be like, he doesn't want to go there. Next topic.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it wasn't my cup of tea. I did like that he did all those telethons, like in the eighties and stuff.


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[Assistant] See, I'd like to see the footage leading up to the interview. Did the interviewer flub it with this, with Jerry early? Like, was he a douchebag? But he doesn't sound like he's arrogant.


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[Assistant] I noticed the primary colors, yeaah, interesting. Why be a dick? Why do the interview?


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[Assistant] Who's in the news? This is just pure assholing. I mean this guy just really is a dick and he wants to be a dick.


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[Assistant] You're beloved by everyone, you have tons of cash.


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[Assistant] No, and it was kinda how dogs do it, like it, it trails.


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[Assistant] Here we go, Brownlock. He's, Yana, allow me to submit to the court. My client had a ferocious bout of diarrhea and here's what happened. She was in the bed. She felt it. She maybe didn't feel it coming. An accident, an accident in the bed and tried to run to the toilet and in running to the toilet, left, shit, splash, shit, shit.


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[Assistant] Maybe she was embarrassed. She's clearly embarrassed. Too mortified to even like. She's mortified right now. But wouldn't you at least clean the sheets? I feel like I would have ripped the sheets off and cleaned it immediately.


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[Assistant] Cause it gets bigger. If you'll notice, your honor, allow me to, uh, uh, it looks as though the turds started there because it was like smaller turds. And then the turds got bigger and bigger as she approaches the toilet. So it looks as though she tried to make it to the toilet.


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[Assistant] In light of her utter lack of, uh, what's the word I'm looking for? Remorse.


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[Assistant] One time in college, I went to sleep with my dorm room unlocked, cause I think my roommate was gonna come in later and she didn't have her key or whatever.


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[Assistant] Oh, I just came in here, I was gonna read this book and she picked up a copy of


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[Assistant] I've done acid too much at one time, and that warps your sense of time, but.


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[Assistant] Well that's a thing, cause it can't feel good when you're that age just to get super hammered. Like just, do you vomit every time you drink?


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[Assistant] Nice, nice, nice. And she, what would she look? Does she look like the pizza dump lady?


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[Assistant] Well, and here's the bummer of hanging out with coworkers, at least in the past I would try, is that you go out to drinks on the Friday night or the Thursday night, and now you're in the bar, but you're all talking about work.


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[Assistant] That's the worst. Now I mean the rare occasion when you, like I worked on shows in production where the staff was cool. You know when you go on like travel trips or whatever to shoot things and they would be fun, fun people.


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[Assistant] So Tom and I were talking about this actually, is that I think that he's stolen, not stolen, or just is inspired by Cookie Monster.


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[Assistant] I think he's a super fan of Cookie Monster early in life, this is a formative thing, and then he became a glutton.


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[Assistant] I can tell them how to gain weight. Just eat, uh, two or three western bacon cheeseburgers a week in your car in order of onion rings.


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[Assistant] His girlfriend in question, she thinks it means literally prostitutes or the girls were going to be fucking tonight.


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[Assistant] I mean, I'm not offended. It takes a lot to offend me, but I would be like, really dude? You can call me a prostitute?


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[Assistant] Yeah, what if it's his mom and her sister?


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[Assistant] Okay, so we haven't talked about this yet, but Tom and I came home last night from our vacation to discover that we have a rat living in our house.


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[Assistant] And I guess there were some workers here painting and they left the doors open. And that's how I'm assuming, cause this didn't exist before this.


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[Assistant] So, uh, in light of our rat debacle, we've called somebody today and we're getting rid of it, but okay, would you rather live with


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[Assistant] One rat, just one rat, permanently in your house, forever.


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[Assistant] And you're just always wondering where it is, if it's gonna crawl in your face, where it's pooping, if it's crawling on your snacks. Or...


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[Assistant] Yeah, you have a tent, you shower with the hose. It's like camping all the time.


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[Assistant] You've got some lemon trees back there. It's real nice. Grass.


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[Assistant] It's 150 out there. Uh, I hate camping too. I just, I'm not good at it. I wouldn't do it.


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[Assistant] So you're gonna take the rat outside, I'm gonna take living in the backyard.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'd get used to it eventually and I would like build like a hut situation or a yurt of some kind.


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[Assistant] I like sleeping outside in the summer.


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[Assistant] Here we go, would you rather, so this is the next one. Okay, would you rather...


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[Assistant] Every time you take a shit, you're wiping with your bare hand?


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[Assistant] Or, you can use toilet paper, but you can only wipe once.


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[Assistant] Half of this was addressed on a live show, just so you know, and it had a crazy response, but I thought I would put a little twist on the game. So just so you know, this is kind of a callback to the live show.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but, but listen to what Full Charger's saying is that you would get so strategic, you would figure out a way to fold that paper into like 16 pieces that you would fucking do it.


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[Assistant] Official name change, guys. You can say Thousand Ranch too, it'll go.


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[Assistant] My favorite kids joke of all time though is, why is five afraid of six?


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[Assistant] No, that's what happens. As a matter of fact, I'd never seen my friend Matt, Matt Malloy. I'd never seen him naked before. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Well, it's uhm, I was a very skinny kid and I had, I had puberty at like, I was close to 15 I think when I had puberty. What? Yeaah. So I remember freshman hockey, I used to go, I used to go to practice not making this up.


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[Assistant] I was horrified about my body. And so, and then I would hitchhike home because the rink was like 20 minutes away and it was, this is New York in the winter. I would stand on the side of the highway in January drenched in sweat.


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[Assistant] And then one of my teachers picked me up on the side of 287 and they drove me home. It was way out of her way to take me all the way home. And then they called my mom the next day and they were like,


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[Assistant] Do you know that I picked your son up hitchhiking last night at 9 o'clock on 287 and my mom went like


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[Assistant] Well, how else was he gonna get home? It's like, you should have picked him up and driven him! Not only that, never bought me any hockey equipment. I used to bum like old skates off friends. And I remember going through the garbage in the locker room and finding broken shin pads and then taping them on with tape. I'd find tape rolls.


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[Assistant] Literally off the boat. Nothing. And so my mom grew up with seven brothers and sisters and just like penny pinched and she couldn't even though my father was in radio and he made good money, she couldn't spend


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[Assistant] There's so many other things to get to with them. You know, that's at the bottom of the list. No, it wasn't that bad. As a matter of fact, my sister has said to my wife, she doesn't get what me and my brother are complaining about so much, because she thinks that everything was bad, but fine. She's the baby, that's why.


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[Assistant] Well I think, I think you guys know this as parents. You guys have gone through some pretty major life changes in the last couple years. And, uh,


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[Assistant] I think you deal with a different set of parents at any given time. And birth order, they say, has a huge effect on how you're treated. You know, the first one, they're nervous, they're scared, that kid can be neurotic, they can end up being hyperachieving because there's so much pressure on them.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I think subconsciously you tell your kids a lot. And I'm starting to become more aware of that. Because my kids are so different. My son is like...


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[Assistant] Boom. Straight A's. Captain of the soccer team. Captain of the club soccer team. Girlfriend. Steady friends. Uhm, the nicest, most even kid. Like, I literally couldn't tell you what I would change about this kid. And then sometimes I wonder, am I, is he being that way because we're


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[Assistant] And you're not aware of it, obviously. You know, you don't know until later when your kids tell you that you were a bad parent.


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[Assistant] I hitchhiked. I used to, I used to work as a caddy at a golf course that was like 15 minutes away. And I used to get up at like,


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[Assistant] For guys, here's the crazy thing about this whole, uhm, uh, what's his name, uh, Harvey Weinstein thing.


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[Assistant] And not to, you know, and you had some very interesting opinions on it. Christina did my podcast the other day and I thought you had some very brave takes on it. Meaning she would blow a guy for a job. Yeah. And her husband would encourage her.


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[Assistant] Who was kinda mentored by another comedian. And uh, the older comedian brought him over his apartment one night.


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[Assistant] And he just started jerking off in front of him. And the guy just left.


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[Assistant] We don't do that. No, I had, I used to have fistfights with my close friends. And we would get over it. I mean, it would take a week. Yeah. And then we'd be over it.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I'm just like, I'm not even, I didn't have hair for a long time, and uh, you know, I have kind of a high voice, I'm a feminine man, and I've always tried to overcompensate.


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[Assistant] But I've always tried to overcompensate by being tough and like being aggressive, like a little cocky.


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[Assistant] Just a little sharp tongue, but you know, that's all hiding, uh, you know, early years of having a shame with my body, I think.


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[Assistant] You think, actually, the shower, the most integral part of the shower is the asshole on the ball sack, right?


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[Assistant] I've spent so little time around naked guys. At the Friars Club, I used to, uh, belong at the Friars Club in New York, and they have the best steam room in New York City. It's like this old marble, and, uh, this is gonna sound crazy, but I swear to God this is true. You go in, and it's so old school Jewish that when you walk in,


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[Assistant] You put on a towel and you sit down and then this, this Yugoslavian guy comes in, this old Yugoslavian guy, and he brings you ice water and a towel that's been dunked in ice and he hands it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so you sit there and, and it's completely balls, once you get in there, it's balls out. And so it's all these old dudes and their sacks are like hanging over the bench and down towards the floor. You can't tell if they have a big penis or it just melted.


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[Assistant] And there's splotches of hair, sometimes, you know, have they shaved or did the hair just fall out? And so, and so you've finished with the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you walk to the shower, you finish with the steam and you walk to the shower and they have these giant fucking...


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[Assistant] And so, I would jerk off, and then, uh, I would come out, and the Yugoslavian guy would wait for you.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think I feel less weird than I used to. You know, like I, uh, I used to bench press a lot because that was how I overcame being skinny. It's like in college I actually got kinda, not big, but you know, bigger. And the worst thing about that is then you get older and your tits fall.


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[Assistant] And, and the, and you know, and it's just so fucking embarrassing to the point where you get so embarrassed that you stop being embarrassed. That you just let go into it.


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[Assistant] That's right, it's a small section that I've got. And when I do see them, I think, I'm glad I'm looking at their body, but I think to myself, how much time and work went into their life for this moment? You know, how many moments do people get to see their body?


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[Assistant] Well, I guess it's a matter of like your palate. I think for some people you get addicted to carbs and so the withdrawal from carbs and sugars


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[Assistant] Is very intense. Intense. And I think for some people they just were never that into carbs, so it's not that big a deal. When I think about... Yea, I'm not even going to say out loud what I want to say.


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[Assistant] Did you mean like a regular meal at a restaurant where you would order like an appetizer, an entree and a dessert? 100%.


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[Assistant] Like another entree or a side? Maybe both. No shi-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, and it's like, you know, when you think about a baby, and you think about how little control they have about joy and all that stuff, a hot wipe on the asshole is just, every single time it would put the baby in a good mood.


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[Assistant] God damn! Alright, so I might be a little late with this, but not too late. We started this, somebody gave us this when our first kids started talking. And as you write down every quote, every cute thing that they say, or meaningful thing, and we've got it for years.


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[Assistant] Oh, already? No, this thing is dog-eared because my kids, they're 17 and 14, like to sit around and read this. Really? Oh, there's nothing kids, when they're adolescents, like more.


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[Assistant] Uh, Owen was tired, and he said, uhm, Mommy, more snores, please. He wanted to take a nap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so cute. And, uh, he said, wait, let me find a good one. This was the quote that we still quote almost constantly. We were in the airport and we're flying from New York back to LA and we had to get up super early and Owen was three-ish.


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[Assistant] And he was cranky and we got some breakfast, but we tried to give them good food. So we tried to find oatmeal. We couldn't find it. And so we ended up having to buy him a chocolate muffin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we give it to him and he was so excited he was like shaking. And then we said, but you can't eat the whole thing. And I took the top off. I said, you can just eat the part that's in the thing. And he goes, DADDY!


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[Assistant] This is Owen when he was, uh, six. Uh, I was carrying out a plate of fresh cut pineapple and he said, come on daddy, let's go eat some heaven. Oh, that's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is JoJo when she was about, uh, six. Violet's mom, her mom, her friend's black. Violet's mom has really curly hair and wide fingernails. But that's okay because she's an extremely nice person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's okay. That's okay. Yeah. You know, he was not, not a racist, she was not a racist kid, but, you know. Yeah. Black and white is black and white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then this is another black and white one. Uhm, this is Owen before watching a Michael Jackson video. Is he gonna be black or white in this one?


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[Assistant] And then after watching the video he said, I like his hair better after the fire.


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[Assistant] Then this is JoJo, the first week of school, when she was in kindergarten.


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[Assistant] We live in Venice, so there's a lot of like, you know, diversity. But she says, Mommy, why do I like all the dark ones the best?


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[Assistant] And then this was a, here's a little one act play. After, they, my kids make fun of me going bald. Constantly. It's their go to thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, yeah, but this is when they were really little. Uh, JoJo was making fun of my hair falling out and then Owen said, don't listen to JoJo teasing you. And I said, thanks, Owen. And he went, you're welcome, Baldi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because our memories are so selective. I mean, I read this thing about interviewing eyewitnesses for jury pools and not jury pools for eyewitnesses for trials. And our ability to truly remember what happened is like 0.1%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, you know, when, and when you're talking about your childhood with all the emotions that go around it and you hear other people telling the story about you. So it's really their version of who you were. And so to have the actual quote from them shows them as close to you as you can get to who they really are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and my, my parents told me a story when I was a kid, cause I grew up with a lot of black kids too, and there was a kid, there was a kid who invited me to his birthday party, and then I found out that he didn't invite our friend, his name was Yemi Awalibi, he was from Africa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't invite Yemi, and so I said to the kid who was like my best friend, but his mother didn't want Yemi there, I said I wouldn't go to the party. And I was only like, seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you this, because this is good to know. My daughter now that she's 14 is going into that place where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She comes in the front door and is in her room very quickly, and you don't see her except for dinner, and, you know, she's actually very sweet, but she can be pissy towards my wife. When does that end, and were you aware that you were doing that, and did you feel bad about it later?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that he's correcting the guy that's trying to help her that's clearly her guardian. Right. You know? Right. Speaking of which, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're doing a benefit, Christina and I, I think you're out of town November 8th at the, uhm, comedy store for the best buddies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool. Which is a group of developmentally disabled people that, uh, that I'm throwing this benefit for. But it's gonna be Rogan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. Well, that's the thing I always tell young people, now that you hit a certain age and you talk to a lot of young people about, you know, everybody wants advice, and it's hard because if you catch me on a bad day, and this has happened, I've talked kids out of going into show business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excellent, and it's gotta be original. There has to be like, you know, like somebody, a spec script that gets traction in this town is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody will take a Partridge Family episode from 1971 and then they'll put in, uh, Isis as Kara. Like, you have to come up with shit that's crazy. And then on top of it be so well written. And I just said to him, I go, look man,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got a college degree, there's just, there's so many other things to do, and his father, who's black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You and the feature act have to watch him every show. So you don't talk to the same people he's talked to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's powerful for a young comic to hear from a, you know, a legend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know when I started doing it, but every time the emcee, and sometimes I've met the emcee enough to get my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My intro, because if it's the first night, I just haven't spent time with him. And I always will go, he'll go, Greg fits him. And then I come up and then when he shakes your hand, when he walks off, I always go, thanks faggot. And then I do my set and I never talk about it. And then the next time I go up, I'll go, thanks homo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just keep it, thanks cocksucker, and I do it each time, and they never bring it up, and then this one guy comes up to me Saturday night between shows, he's like, he goes, did I do something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, cause that guy, I was doing crowd work with that guy and I kinda like back down and I thought that maybe that's why you kept calling me that. It's like, I didn't have the heart to tell him, I didn't watch all of his sets. Yeaah. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard because sometimes if I watch the feature and he's got a bit that's really close to mine, it depresses me because I realize...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This kid is in Oklahoma and he's a feature and he, and we're thinking the same joke. So I don't even care if we repeat a similar joke. Like I used to watch so I didn't repeat a joke and now I just figure it's more detrimental to even know that comedy is this easy and I think it's so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought I went today, actually, when I was on the toilet and I wrote it on my phone, which is, uhm, Yelp is essentially, like, you can tell, cause I was yelping, uhm, hot water heaters, we need a new hot water heater, and you just see the range of opinions that people can have about a piece of hardware.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that, you know, in any given case, a factory worker didn't put a nut on or didn't and so it doesn't make the company evil. It just means that there's a variance in quality of things. But it becomes like a Rorschach test for the person that's doing the reviewing. And it's always like, this hot water heater makes me feel lonely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And someone else is like, this thing gets me laid. Yea, it's true. So I want to put really innocuous things on Yelp and just see how people, like, friendship. Yea. See how people, how do you Yelp friendship? How do you Yelp it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, he's got it. Military guys go down and he doesn't even take it seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The amazing thing is there was a witness to the first call. So number one, what's the agenda of a fallen soldier's parent to lie about the president of the United States? And then you've got corroboration from a congresswoman, not just Johnny, you know, shithead in the back of the van.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and it all started because he was taking shots at Obama saying that he didn't used to call. Meanwhile, Obama called every one of them, followed up with a letter, and usually called back six months later. So why go after? First of all, it's like a lawyer says, don't ask a question you don't know the answer to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't attack Obama on something that you don't know the answer to. Especially when you're actually guilty of it yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I floss every day. Because I've got a couple of niches in between my molars that just, they just fill up. I eat anything, I've got something in those spots. It drives me crazy. And so I love the little handheld flossing devices.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I keep those in my bag and then I floss every night. I brush at least three times a day. I'm consumed with having bad breath. Because when people have bad breath, I can't hang out with them anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet if we both wrote down three names of comedians with bad breath, they would cross over. I bet at least one would. Let's do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we're off the air. Uhm, so, uh, anyway, so I go in, and I was feeling this pain when I'd bite on the right side of my mouth. And so I went in, and, and, and I swore it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I have very hard teeth. I didn't get a lot of cavities in my life. My mom's got hard teeth. We don't get cavities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I used toothbrush with the whitener in it, maybe that's it. Hit me with a smile, hit me with like a 10. Wow. This one's fake, this got knocked out, and uh, and they put it in, and that was when I was 15, and it's still going strong. Wow. Isn't that amazing they can put a crown on that lasts that long?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm feeling a pain when I bite, and I'm convinced it's my second molar, top, uh, uh, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I go in, and the guy, uh, takes, takes, uh, like a Q-tip, and he says, bite down, and he keeps biting down, and I'm not feeling the pain. And he keeps going, and then he goes back to the wisdom tooth, and I bite on that, and there's the pain. And so it was like this phantom thing where I thought it was this tooth, but it was the other one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then he goes, alright, well, you know, we can, we can, uh, he says, I think it's cracked, he said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, because I did have filling in that one, so the wall of it was too thin. So he goes, all right, we're going to pull it next week. And so I go home and then that week I'm chewing and all of a sudden I chew on something hard and it was the outside piece of the wisdom tooth had fallen off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I crunch down, and here's the amazing, amazing thing about the human tooth, uh, dental system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You will be biting full speed, what is that, 20 miles an hour each bite? And then if something is in there that's hard, your teeth stop in a nano-millimeter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, uh, so I went in and he, uh, he went in to pull it out and he shot me with a nova cane. And all I'm asking is, in advance, I'm like, so can I get, like, uh, barbiturates or whatever? Can I get some opioids? And he's like, I don't think you'll really need it. And I'm going, you know, I'm pretty pain sensitive and I'm really not, but, uh, I want to get them and give them to my friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, uh, and so he goes in and he's like, gives me the penicillin shot, and, not penicillin, the, uh, The numbing thing, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Novocaine. Novocaine. And then, and then he's picking, he's poking around, and then all of a sudden, he holds it in front of me. It took like three minutes. He just popped it right out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then uhm, you know, gave me some gauze to chew on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I did three shows that night. Oh my god. With the gauze in my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here in LA. And then I, and then I went out the next day, took the gau, you know, I had the gauze out overnight, the next day I was, I was fine, and I haven't had any pain. Some people get wisdom teeth out, and for whatever reason, it bleeds, and it gets infected, and they have pain for like three weeks. Oh, I had all four at once done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well and it is like, old people, one of the first things they'll tell you is take care of your teeth. Yes. Cause when you get old and that shit starts popping out, and you're in pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As opposed to being a comedian where, how fucking great is our job? People come in, they drink, they relax, and it's also like, I was thinking about this, like, we're not that good. What we do is not that good because we learn over time to be calm and act like we know what we're doing, but the truth is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those two or three hundred people are sitting there with an agenda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are there to laugh. It's like when you go to a sad movie, you're there to cry. I don't cry. When I go to a sad movie, I cry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when I go to a comedy show, it doesn't matter how funny the person is, I paid, you know, whatever they're paying to get in, 20 bucks, 25 bucks, and two drinks. They're fucking laughing. Right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a nice comment. And you know, they think that they're being clever, but it really is so annoying. It's so annoying. Those emails. Or after shows, when someone comes and goes, hey you weren't that bad. It's like, just walk, just fucking walk away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the many theories why women are, you know, there's that thing of like women aren't funny and it's all, it's like, well no, it's that you won't give over. The way I just described people walking into a club and sitting down and giving over, I think there's a criteria for who they will give it over to as well. And for men they don't, they don't want to give up their alpha status.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that's literally how out of context that would be for David Cross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Compliment that he would think that you'd be okay with it. Right. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, that's so weak. Anyway, well that's the problem now with the whole MeToo pound sign MeToo hashtag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that it's so undefined and it's such an excuse for anybody to just bitch about feeling slighted at some point. Feeling slighted and being sexually harassed are very different things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Or racially harassed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not fair. Well it's also a misuse of the word racist because racism is the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The person who has the power, using that power to objectify or oppress the person, uh, of another race. The lesser race. The superior race, acting superior basically, is a crime. We earned it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, racism is the acting out of a prejudice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So just making an obnoxious, even say, say David Cross was the most liberal, outspokenly, you know, democratic guy. Say this in one moment of his life, decided to be a racist. He didn't do anything about it. He didn't keep it from getting in a movie or on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the, uh, Vietnamese gangs are badass. They were notorious. When they started coming over here in like the 90s, I forget why, there was like an influx of Vietnamese gangs. And, uh, the cops would talk about how, you know, it all started with like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the Italian mobsters, right? And that mafia, where really they just, they killed other fat guys. There wasn't, there wasn't too much. And then along came like, uhm, you know, uh, inner city, crypts and bloods, and they were killing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's like member apocalypse now, when at the end he's talking about how the Americans would send medical units in to try to treat the Vietnamese who had


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did this guy not stumble onto meth at this point?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's amazing because when you think about, uh, World War II and the people that came over here, or even going back to, you know, the turn of the 19th century when people came over here and they had nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all of a sudden, like, you know, you got some guy who came over here, like, you know, I was reading this book about the famine in Ireland, and like, people would come over here in like 1946 with, you know, zero, and all of a sudden, they went to college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make enough money to live on their own. That's my, that's my goal for my kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's comfortable. We've got some like, you know, some like, uh, African elephant type statues and... What else do black people like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got cookbooks, dashikis. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were growing a multitude of crops, but we were, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were being held hostage by the British who were exporting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 99% of our agriculture and then selling it to other countries while we literally a million people starved. It was a genocide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so when the potatoes went bad, they didn't give us any of the other food. We had giant, uh, uh, pigs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a giant, uh, ag-agricultural as well as livestock, all being exported. And the Brits were like, fucking let them die. Let them die, literally said, there are too many of them, let them die. And this is, what, what years is this happening? This was like in the 1840s. Well, the occupation lasted for hundreds of years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the British, you talk about Nazi Germany, the British are way worse in terms of what they've done worldwide, colonizing and, you know, slaughtering all kinds of native people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most ancient civilizations, the Aztecs and the Incas destroyed their temples and their everything, their speech. They didn't allow them to speak their native language until it's gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gold didn't mean anything to them. So next thing you know, they're hauling that shit out of the ground with a gun to their head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And anyway, this is, this has gotten to be a very dark podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Mondays at, uh, seven o'clock, five o'clock on the west coast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sure. I think tomorrow. Uhm, yeah. By time this airs. That's FitsDog. Check out my episode. FitsDog radio, and uh, FitsDog.com, and then I got some tour dates. Can I shout those out? Of course, of course. Alright, I will be going to, let's see, Spokane, Washington, November 2nd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, what do you hear about it? I've heard good things. I've heard good things, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can't wait. I like the owners. Um, Tempe Improv December 14th through 17th and then, uh, and I think I may be adding some dates. So go to FitsDog.com, um, for more details.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy. Wow. This interview killed him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it just keeps popping because my gut's getting so big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chicken, I bought the motherfucker today at the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See if it didn't have denim, I'd be much more bored. We have a little denim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I remember that. Is that right when I was doing a huge press tour to like 140 radio stations? Yes, I think so. And all of your fans changed my Wikipedia page? Where Christ your legs digging holes and eating worms?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's sluts, and I go, that's how they're being cool now. It's a shortcut, but come high school, when they want to date a girl, they're going to go to you because no one's going to want to date a girl who's had five boyfriends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No man, I go, look, I'm telling you about slut-shaming for real because I did it. I was a part of the bad part of slut-shaming. Like, is that, but only because, I go, there are boys that are equal to you in life that don't have a girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when they get to high school, they see that same rejection you feel, they will feel and apply it by calling them sluts. That's how it's done. I go, I'm not for it. And then my wife got really upset, she's like, stop with the fucking slut shaming thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, at 40 years old, I was 2-15, 2-16. And that was, and I looked really good. That's 4 years ago? That's 4 years ago. Travel Channel had slowly built, added on, added on. I think I was floating around at 2-35, probably when I was doing TripFlip. Okay. 2-35, maybe, maybe 2-40. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was taking Oxy's four times a day, uh, and I was taking four volumes a day. I was taking them together. Leanne put the fucking kibosh on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you ready to see this? Okay, so no, number one, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the one that I don't think people have it in their memory of how big you were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember the time we did CrossFit and then we went out with Chris Tywalker and we went to gay bars and we had so much fun and we're killing gay drinks like all those sugary things and then at the end of the night we're like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did good today. We went to CrossFit, or we went to CrossFit, and all we had were some vodka drinks, and then Chris was like, who wants pizza? And we're like, you're our trainer, you're supposed to be keeping us away from this! And we murdered pizza!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, I would eat very like lean and clean, kinda like I am right now because of this challenge. I love parameters. I love being challenged. I love to focus on stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and then I take an Ambien at night and be like, I'm not eating dinner. I take an Ambien and I go to sleep and I wake up skinny. And that's the key. If you can skip dinner. Oh, that's what I do. That's how I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was that shirt? What was, what's that shirt? What's that shirt? Like triple X? No. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I lose weight so quickly that everyone says it that one week they see me. Cause I lost so much weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's bloat. A lot of bloat. And then it's also, uhm, it's just saying to myself, hey, I can't eat everything I want. Like, I would- That's how- That's you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have different perspective over these last two days. Yeaah. And I only say this because I think we, I don't know if we talked about this or not, but like, so we started the October, Sober October, Sober October, uh, challenge, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I wouldn't, I wouldn't. Remember the first time I did your podcast? I walked in with a 12 pack. But I think I'd come off a plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those 32 oz vodka sodas that we're making, we were a little out of control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, and I, I don't, I haven't really figured it out, and I'm, I, I'm in therapy tomorrow, and I'm gonna talk to my therapist about doing some, I might just, like while the girls are in school, at a Burbank, do a quick flight somewhere, a quick flight back to just work on it, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My biggest problem with booze is flights. It's no questions asked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but I didn't think- I don't know if I did it out of spite. I don't know wha- I don't know- But you- how hard was it? Wasn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was almost embarrassingly easy in that I went to the airport and I went, I was like, oh wow, I factually feel pretty...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a great trip. Right. Sold out shows. Fucking amazing. So happy I did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because Sydney was 1500 and we were like half sold at the beginning of the tour, I had to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to literally fly perform, fly perform, fly perform, fly perform. And I'm not good at that. And that's not how the tour was set up. The tour was set up, fly, uh, rest of the day off, show the next day. And that's totally doable. But man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Rogan has been calling me a raging alcoholic, which that's not accurate. It's not because you never rage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't change, I'm not, I don't change who I am. And a lot of people I don't think can even tell I'm drunk when I'm drunk. True. And I'm not a mean person, I think I'm a sweet person. So, and I don't, and it doesn't affect my life negatively.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a lot of people would argue, well you just haven't found your bottom and I'm sure your bottom will show up in the form of liver cancer or something like that. That's totally true. But uhm, but for the most part I think, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All I can say is that when I got on that plane, I was embarrassed that I had allowed


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, Ari's like, you know, when I was on, um, I'm sure Ari's cool with me sharing anything with about, but he's like, when I was on, uh, depression pills, they were like, sometimes you fix the problem, but you still have the cast on. So I might've, I might've, I'm not saying I have, but I might've fixed my fear of flying with all this drinking, but I've been doing it out of habit. So I think that for the most part is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, and can I tell you that the one realization I had, and I'm, by the way,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uh, it's a little, uh, little self-involved. It's a little, like, I just want to hang out with my kids and my family and work out and hang and work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but there's nothing that makes me drink. I don't, I easily cannot drink. I have no problem with that. I can easily not smoke weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, I think my problem is, uh, once again, and I, and I, this is the one realization I have, and it's no like epiphany, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never fucking said that. And I've never been like, what are we doing? Everyone knows. Do you know how that sounds though? I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take a nap, have a cigar. Have a cigar, take a nap. Guys, gotta re-entry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and then we go over to a friend's house, have a big dinner, get over there around two. Okay. Everyone starts, everyone has more cocktails, and then that's our Sunday. Okay. It's not, I mean it's not, but, but I called her and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we went out to a softball game, we went to REI, we did all this cool shit, and then I got home that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came back and was like, uh, I feel great. I was like, I'm going to bed, unassisted sleep. By the way, I know that that's another thing that's gonna fucking rock everyone's mind. I don't often go to sleep without drugs or alcohol. Right. So it's not a big thing of mine. Right. I have a problem. Leanne can just close her eyes like a fucking Mormon and be like, I'm done thinking for the day, click.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I literally lay in bed and go crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And man, I did an unassisted sleep last night and I was like, in my head I was like, this is pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have no idea how often people buy me drinks. Like it is, it is, I think it would over fucking whelm you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not my, not my, no, not my sisters, on the road, on the road. Not like, not my family's never like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, pensive. The thing that, the thing that's really bothered me is, and by the way, I'm not, like I did, I did Dr. Drew's podcast and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everyone saying that I needed medical assistance to stop drinking, I was like, I was like a little blown away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but the one thing that's like, I told you I ran into a guy, I ran into someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's another thing, but like, I'm running on a treadmill, now I'm running on the open road, but the other day I ran five miles posted on my social media, today I ran three and a half, last night I ran two, like I'm running every fucking day, I am working out, I was going to CrossFit, like, I'm living an active life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm also partying at night, and when I'm home, most often, Tuesday, Monday, Tuesday, I'm not drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not know how exhausting it was until I woke up this morning and went, I feel fucking fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think, uh, the one thing that I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I have a little bit of OCD, uh, and coupled with anxiety.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, we've talked about this, you've talked, Tom and I have talked about this a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me that I, that I overbook myself every fucking week. That I never take a week off, that I, I think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have no fucking idea. I can't- I think you have ideas. I don't know. I think because I feel like I'm not worth anything. I feel like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I, that's what I push. Yeah, I'm not realistic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like, I definitely, I definitely, today I was running, and I was running real slow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I was like, what's going on? Like, and I was like, oh, I did have a cigar this weekend. Like, is that it? Then I was like, I was like, fuck man, I'm running at a, I was running at a 10 minute and 20 second pace and it was hurting. And I was like, I was like, shit man, this isn't, this is five hour marathon pace about, it's about 11 minutes about that. And I was like, fuck, I don't know if I could,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet I could punish myself into it. Like I bet I could hurt myself into it. I bet I could. That's the other part that like I think that I put in the equation as I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, when we did that weight loss challenge, I didn't have a problem eating less than a thousand calories a day. I didn't mind punishing myself into losing the weight. Right. Like, and I'm sure, I'm sure someone's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what, that trip is happening. I had definitely had a lot of phone calls about, with everyone that works with me saying, you will be drinking on this trip. People have bought tickets to drink with you on this trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a booze. It is a cruise. Yeah, it's a cruise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I didn't have that trip, and Leanne said this, if I didn't have that trip, I probably wouldn't start drinking again right away. But I'm gonna be with Ari at midnight in the French Quarter on Halloween, and that's when the bet's over, so I know I'm gonna drink with Ari. Of course you are. And so, but I would like to, like, I'd like this month to simply reset my buttons and go, like, like, uh, just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you feel good, I'd like to get, I talked to Ari today for a long time and he's like, he's like, bro, I don't think you have a drinking problem. Cause he sent that, he put out a podcast today where he just hates us. And he's like, I don't think you have a drinking problem. Really? Yeah. Oh yeah. It's just about hating us. He's just so mad. Oh, like that text. Oh yeah, but it's 34 minutes of that text.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said I never perform drunk, and I don't. For an early show, I would maybe bring a cocktail, I won't even touch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get a cocktail and loosen up. I'm gonna fucking make this fun for me too. But when you're stone sober and they're fucking wasted, it's a tad bit annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, those, mine and mine are late show Saturdays, are out of fucking control. Like to the point where Taylor Thomason, who has been working with me, we were in San Antonio, and from stage she asked a bouncer to come to walk her off stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, I'm not feeling entirely safe with this audience, but it's just fucking chaos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but like all the talk we do about booze, I can't lie. I don't have that, I don't have that gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, well, I'll tell you right now, I already started last night, I started, I signed up for like a bunch of these classes that I've always wanted to take. Oh good, that's great. Nope. My wife's like, stop, cancel one, you're not doing three different


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's also kind of like, in lieu of going to the store every night and working out, I work out on the road. I totally get that part, but it is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I've been stuck in this podcast stand up mantra since I got out of travel channel this past year. I had no passion to do TV. I've had a project. I've had a project.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the bullpen waiting for us, waiting for me to green light the script and I just, I talked to my buddy the other day and I was like, I'm not, I'm just not in it. I'm sorry man. Like I'm not in it. I don't really have any passion right now. Like I just don't. My passion is doing stand up and getting ready for this next hour. That's where my head's at. And then this week I was like, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm gonna, I think I'm gonna revisit this project, but I think I'm gonna revisit it a different way. And I think I'm gonna try to get passionate about something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a really interesting insight. My life would be drastically different if I would do a weekend and then take a week off. Like Joey, a weekend and then take a week off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then what happens is they go a weekend and then...


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[Assistant] Hey, we got this college. And they're like, that's pretty good money for one show. Here's the thing.


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[Assistant] Right. I wish I could do that. Here's the thing though. No, you can't. No, no, no, no. You can't. Here's the thing.


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[Assistant] Not to get too esoteric about, about this, but this has been a very, this has been a very extraordinary year for me in, in the word extraordinary. Not, it's been good, but it's been extraordinary in that it's not, it's not been regular and it's been a little overwhelming emotionally. You know?


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[Assistant] I should probably bite my tongue, but I will be very honest. Because I've always been honest with Tom about everything.


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[Assistant] In December, New Year's Eve, I moved no tickets at Levity Live. They lost their ass on me.


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[Assistant] I moved no tickets. I did my special for Showtime. I did Dayton. I remember calling him and going, uh, sold out for the week and then found out they papered the entire room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they didn't even read my contract, they just papered the room. No tickets for moving, paper the fucking room. November, December, I was supposed to do a tour with Tom, all of it got cancelled, I got fired from Travel Channel, I, I was probably at my lowest when we started that weight loss challenge, and I'm getting just hate from everywhere on the internet. Like, posting stuff on Instagram is just destroying me. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think coupled by the fact that we did that weight loss challenge, the machine story goes viral. And all of a sudden, uh, I start selling out. And I sell out every single show this year.


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[Assistant] I went from something where like, I was doing it and not a lot of people cared, to then people caring. And I think it's like a near-death experience where you go...


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[Assistant] I'm gonna really live my, I'm gonna really take, take these opportunities as best I can. I'm very lucky and blessed.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, but I think- That's harmful. More harm than good. But I think, can I just say this? Like I think you're also speaking from your guys' perspective. Like, I would say someone that was in my situation in December would definitely go, Burt, you're doing the right thing. Get the money while you can. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but I also, I, I, today I couldn't do what Tom does. When you, when I see you on a plane going to do a fucking interview in Montreal, in whatchamacallit, and then do a show that night.


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[Assistant] Five fucking days. And I look at mine and it's fucking two weeks and I'm like, and then I go, am I, what am I doing this wrong? Like, I started like getting angry at people going like,


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[Assistant] Do you want, like, when I, DC wanted to add two Sunday shows, and I was like, no. I was in Australia when they asked. Great time to ask. I was like, no, no, no. And they're like, well,


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[Assistant] I had gotten booked into cap city without my knowledge. Like I, I just, I guess I had said yes, but I don't, I didn't know it. It wasn't on my calendar. And then I started, and then I saw it pop up on my calendar one day and I was like, whoa. I was like, you got to cancel cap city. Do you know how hard it was for me to cancel cap city? First of all, I have such this thing where I go, I want them to like me. Like I want them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they'll get upset. Dude, I've seen parts of this business that, that I know you've seen, but I've seen it differently. Like, like I've seen parts of this business where people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, dude, I like, I wish I could say names, where they ask for more money, or they went to do a theater tour, and then I've heard the conversations, they're not selling tickets. They fucking, you know what? That's what you get. You think you're too much in this business, and I always felt like if you come at it humble, like I'm a worker, a lunch pail guy, dude, book me and all your fucking, I'll do everything, I'll do everything. That was the way to getting money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I look at Joey, Joey moves identical tickets to me. I mean, we're, Joey's selling out every show he does. Diaz, you mean? Yea, Joey, yea, Joey does everything, Ari does identical, if not much bigger than me.


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[Assistant] He just doesn't know because he hasn't been on the road. But they say no all the fucking time.


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[Assistant] Here, can I tell you the feeling I had? I was thinking of this analogy today. At your age,


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[Assistant] And they built a fucking badass play structure for you guys and stand up. And I saw you on it and you're like, Burt, come on!


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[Assistant] Jim Jeffries is moving 3,000 tickets in a night. Like, I'm not comparing myself with them, but I'm saying, by the way, what I'm saying for those of you that don't understand what I'm saying, is they're not doing the clubs right now, so the clubs still need to fill it with people, and so that's where I come in, and Joey and Ari, I'm not saying that, I'm not trying to put us exactly in the same situation, but, and now there's, and now that


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[Assistant] I'm done with my show, I'm going back to my room.


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[Assistant] You're like, yeah, you go out with these people? And I was like, every night. I go out with the staff every single night. I go to, we throw a house party on Sunday nights that we all go there because we get off early. And Tom's like, hold on, you go out with the staff, the crew every night? And then I was like, yeah, now it's turned into the fans. I mean, I do shows and I'll go, hey guys, meet me at this bar. We did the, we did the Wilbur, right, in January.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, last night, probably seven hours.


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[Assistant] I can't even, I can't even wrap my head around what you're saying because I'm going, are you telling me if I did less stand up and I focus on another project? Like, I can't imagine doing that.


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[Assistant] Oh, I would lose my fucking mind.


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[Assistant] I would lose my fucking mind. I signed up for TM classes.


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[Assistant] I thought it would help me get over my fear of flying if I could fly. Right. And then Isla's like, I'm not getting in a plane with you. I was like, by the way, you're definitely getting in a plane with me. That's how that works. That's why I'm taking flight lessons so I can impress you.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so, I've got a lot of things. I'm building a fence. No. Oh. Is the pool in? The pools, they just filled in all the trenches for the pipes. Yeah. I've been- Are you excited for it? I'm so fucking excited.


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[Assistant] I'm not like a, I've wanted a pool forever, cause I think growing up in Florida, you get a pool and it just makes you relax.


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[Assistant] I think it also, it's fluid in that if we decide mid-month that we realize what the stakes should be, I mean Ari really wants to do a decathlon and find out who's the superior athlete.


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[Assistant] Aggressive. It's much more than the fat challenge. This Sober October has been, has gotten huge and I think mostly because Joe wouldn't quit smoking weed, then it got, and Joe, it got much bigger because everyone's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's like, alright, fuck it, I'll do it. I'm in with you, Bert. And the, the, the, the common thing I get at every meet and greet, or at least the one I did in DC was the most recent one,


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[Assistant] And in Australia, all the meet and greets I did in Australia, those were fucking aggressive. We won't talk about a misstep of boundaries.


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[Assistant] Hey guys, I'm at the fucking Sheridan, I'll see you there. Insane.


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[Assistant] I wish I had that. I wish I had that in me. I like that though. I like that.


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[Assistant] So he was just overwhelmed, but he loved it. They loved the idea that they're moving that much booze, and we drank them out of everything. Yeah. And uh, but what I like about it, and this might be short-sighted, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in college, when you saw a band perform, did you want to talk to that lead singer? Or were you like, give him his space?


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[Assistant] He was so kind. And he was like, thanks. And he was like, generous.


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[Assistant] And then he walked away and I think Demetri Martin said, what were you talking to Dave Chappelle about? And I was like, who's Dave Chappelle?


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[Assistant] But the fact that he was that fucking cool, dude never left me. The fact that ship, that, uh, Attelle, when Georgia was born, took me out partying.