[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, sometimes it's different. In pools, it's easier to just chill and pee. The ocean because of the current waves and you kind of got to like, you really got to find like a balance. Like I was in there with our son and I was like, Hey, I was like, just chill. He was like, what? I was like, I got to think about something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. That shit in my hand and I just throw it, throw it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, oh, this was pretty cool, I wanted to show you this, cause just, it's fun to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, people are having a lot of fun with it. He recorded a video, uhm, and he put it out. A lot of people are talking about it. Here's a clip of it, if you can go ahead and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so Bert, uhm, actually put out, so what he did was, you know we were talking for a long time about what Sober October's gonna look like this year? Yes, you guys haven't decided yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we have it now. We've been in a group text. I don't want to announce it until everyone's confirmed, but I think we have it. But Bert's idea originally was to have a hip hop dance challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, everyone was kind of into it, but Joe, Joe was like, I don't want to do that. One of the things he didn't want to do was have something that would require judges, right? Because in the past we've had like objective.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, semi-developed minds going like, that's a great job. I'm like, okay. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His technique isn't good, is what you're saying. It's entertaining, he's an entertaining guy. It's funny, he's a funny guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess the whole, the whole set broke and he's dead now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, no, that was an outtake. Chase, Chase LePard. Was it LePard or Leopard? I always say Chase LePard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Chase Leppard, uh, Chase made that. So here's the, now we, we can't play, that's, that's a song that's gonna get flagged. Right. So, you laid in a song that we can play. So if you're listening, obviously you're just gonna hear the audio, you gotta, you gotta check out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh great, so what they did was they sent Josh Potter's acapella version of the intro to Burt dancing. Uhm, and here we go. And I'll just play it here and you can listen or watch for yourself and decide. Here it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'm hating, alright, here's what I don't like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't watch ESPN, but a lot of people do. And every once in a while, they'll do a piece where they'll take a kid who has like a, you know, I don't know, like a pulmonary embolism or something, he's got a few weeks to live, and he's like, I love the Nebraska Cornhuskers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll take him to practice and they'll give him the ball and they're like, you're our new running back. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are pretending that this is good dancing. That's my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't even think, but I think it's unfair to call it hating. Because hating is like a baseless, a baseless, uh, uh, hatred of somebody who's doing well. That's hating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a diff- that's different than hating. Hating would be if this dude looked like Chris Brown. I was like, fuck him, he sucked. No, that dude can dance. What I'm saying is that these people are pretending like this disabled guy is gonna make it on the team, but he's not. I understand. But I'm saying- That's not hating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's reasonable. That is reasonable. I do, I will tell you this. Yes. It's amusing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's entertaining, it's funny, but don't give me this bullshit that this is fucking good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just fodder, it's just fill time. Yeah, you're right. That's just, that's easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that bothers you. It's, it's that people are telling the kid that was on the losing team that he's getting a participation trophy. Yeah. That, that, you know, I'm, I'm more like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all we're going to talk about. Okay. We're going to talk about what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish you would stop talking at some point. So, Jesus Christ. I'm so annoyed. I'm annoyed that you won't shut up. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Uh, growing up. Then you played pick-up games, and then you played on pee-wee teams, and then you played in high school, and then you played, uh, whatever, junior, you played a lot. And then somebody you know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Made a video of them, uh, shooting free throws.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's not, that's not, that's not good. Like I, I've been around this, so that's not good. It'd be like if somebody tried stand up for the first time, let's say you've done stand up and you, uh, and then they were like, damn, you're really good at stand up. And you're like, you know what? I've been doing it for years. I've been doing spots. I've been doing specials. Like that's just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not that good. So like, that's the only point I was making is just that it's just objectively


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But alright, I feel like you still don't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's what, and, does that play the whole thing? No, you just played my intro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's your intro. My TikTok intro. Oh, it says TikTok intro. So, alright, nevermind. I thought that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also made a huge mistake when I was on this trip, where we were hanging out at this pool by the hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I walked into a room that was like a playroom, you know, like a game room, and there were kids in there. And I walked in and they were like, oh, I was like, oh, I'm sorry. So there were like four kids gathered around. They're like, I don't know, let's say 10, 12 years old. And they're like, oh, we were just making a TikTok. And my response was, oh, I'm on TikTok. And then they were like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like Robert Paul with his, uh, video titles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also, my favorite thing about her is that she'll do, uh, my, my, like playing that my ship went down. She's like, see you later. Like, I'll talk to you later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, but who sends mail about it? Like, people are just mailing you shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she's asking a celebrity to come meet her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody sent me a message this week, uhm, about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They sent me a message about paying off their loans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I'm a big fan. And I was like, oh cool. And then they go, you know, I'm being crippled by these loans. Uhm, you know, I don't know if it's weird or not, but if there's any way you can help me out. And I was like, what? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quick update for, uh, Josh Potter, who last week made it known that he was going to be on a cameo working as a sex worker. And uhm, man, it really took off for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe this is sort of, I mean, you know, to use, uhm, like a comparison to a bigger story. Andrew Luck retired from the NFL prematurely in a lot of people's minds, but I feel like this is kind of like your version of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] September 10th, I'll be in Memphis. There's a few tickets left. Uh, the next day Knoxville sold out. September 12th, less than 100 tickets remain in Greenville, South Carolina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Charleston and the early show in Durham, North Carolina are sold out, but the late show in Durham, North Carolina at the Durham Performing Arts Center still has tickets as the late show on September 14th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the 17th, we added a late show at the Paramount. Uhm, we also added a show in Columbus, Ohio. That is December 6th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] December 7th we added in Grand Rapids, Michigan, um, New York, don't forget we're doing Kingston, New York, November 6th, and we're doing The Beacon in New York City on the 7th. Oh! We just added a late show in Ben Salem. Not!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bensalem, which is the way that somebody that speaks English as a first language would say it. We added it in Bensalem on November 8th. It's a late show added at the Parks Casino. Uh, so get tickets. All those tickets are at TomSagura.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, please get tickets to tomsperger.com slash tour. And, uh, yeah, I hope you enjoy the shows. Uhm, how do I mute that? I guess I'll just press that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joining us now, international rockstar comedian, multiple specials, arena tours, doesn't fuck with clubs, won't mess with a theater, arenas only, uh, watch people call him directly, it is Jokoi. Oh man. God the best. Formerly of Nordstrom Rack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my favorite part of like the success stories of comedians who now do really well is hearing the tears of job. And then even when like people would see us on television, like you're on television and you're like, yeah, I have a job still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was a site rep, like for like when productions shoot a movie or show or a commercial. You would find the house. No, I would represent the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The house's owners or property through a, like there's a company that, so let's say like you Joe put your house, you're like, you can shoot at my house, you gotta pay $10,000 a day. Then the production goes, we want to shoot in Joe's house. That company that they found the house from,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] would hire me, well just send me and go, so Joe says that like they can shoot in these five rooms, nothing can be nailed to the wall, blah blah blah blah blah, like here's the rules. And so then I have to just make sure that production doesn't ruin Joe's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because those are the terms. And so you just sit on a product, like a set all day. And then sometimes people will be like, I've seen you on a comment. I'm like, yeah. Almost like, Hey, you got to back up that truck real quick. And that would be my job. No doubt. And how long ago was that? I mean, I was doing that job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to, I used to do the same thing where I would tell my boss, post-coordinate, uh, post-supervisor. I'd be like, I would know like an improv weekend was coming up or a funny bone. I was like, so check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, Ian Edwards special came out. If you haven't seen it, go on the Comedy Central site or app and I'm sure it's called Ian Talk. I was driving to my house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember one time I opened for Russell Peters, and uh, there was a weekend where we were working a club, he was like gearing up for one of his tours, and he was like, I had like a set where I was just killing, he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, that's great, man. You know, you kill, but not too hard. And I was like, what? He's like, well, you're not like Joe Coy. So it's great. And walked off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the best too, by the way, for people like such a lifeline for me and probably for you when you're like working and then like, he's the most generous guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool. Well, for people that don't know, uhm, your latest special just hit a little while ago. I can't wait to watch. And this is the, how many, is there now? This is my second. The second one there. The first one, this is a great story. This is, I think it's great for comedians, but it's great for people just in life to learn about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perseverance and just going after it. You tried to get a special, right? Like give me one and didn't get one and then you shot it on your own and shopped it yourself. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cute. Tell, just, I know, just a minute, cause I know we were talking about it. Yeah. What, like what are you, like for, I don't know, it's, I always think it's fascinating to study, like to me, I like the business side of it. Well, you know, what they call magic markets. So like if someone can do really well, but then in like, you know, like the Northeast to Sebastian is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking over. Like Philly, Jersey, New York, Atlantic city, like all that. Like Sebastian does well everywhere, but there it's like another level. And then for you, you do great everywhere now, but like, tell me what's going on in Hawaii.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hawaii is crazy. Like, cause it's fascinating. It's nuts. What, like how many shows do you do in Hawaii?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, but she's not ready. I mean, I talk about what a dream crusher she was, how she really told me, and this is in my new act, but how she told me to get a job at the post office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about all through your, let's say, like your ascent, but like you're, you know, you're doing, you're working as a comic. Is she still like, what are you doing? Oh, now? No. Now? No, no. I'm saying like, you know, you're on Chelsea, but you're not like, huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is exact, okay, the post office one, I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? And she was like, you get the post office and then they have, yeah, and they have, uh, benefits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean like and I was saying like I'm not knocking the post office. It's like mom. I don't want to fucking work at the post office


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I'm going to post this. And she was like, you have to pay me. You have to, she got so, first she was like, absolutely not, absolutely not. And I was like, mom, this is gold. I have to share this. And then she was like, like I was working on her for like weeks and she goes, okay, I need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About to do. I think, so she had farted something before and I was like, I always tease her, you know? I was like, I bet, can you drop one of your, like, can you, can you let a mega one out? And she goes, let me see what I can do. And then as she like turned and put her hands on the counter,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, uh, I just reached in my pocket and pulled out my phone and hit camera. And I just was like, who knows? And then like within two seconds. And if, actually if you watch that and like you slow down at the end of the fart, you can see she has a smirk on her face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here it comes. She got so mad at me, but then at the end, like after this really, you know, after we kind of got used to the interaction about it, she goes, that wasn't even a big one. Like I've got more. There was more. There's more. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was, you know, uh, for a while, before she died, we would talk about her all the time, like, what about, you know, what if she dies, whatever, and Christine would always be like, she's not gonna die, evil doesn't die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I got my mom a set of really nice luggage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the matching carry-on. Here's the toiletry kit that also comes with it. And here's the smaller handbag. So it all is a set. It's expensive. That's beautiful. Yea, and it's expensive. Like it's, you know, thousands of dollars. Of course. Send it to her. Loves it, loves it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a week later, she was like, did you know that they also make a backpack?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, uh, yeaah, I, I, I mean I know they make them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, alright. And then I send her like a backpack. She goes, you know, he's a nice guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeah, it's just never, you know, what you, like you give.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you, especially because you moved here, and it's a thing to be like, hey, letting people know, I might have come here from somewhere, but I made it here. So it is like, cultural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got, this is a fucking rich move. I've come home and like, you know, I think I'm gonna scratch my ass. No, I'm gonna let the bidet do it. And then I just drop my pants and had a stream of water scratch my asshole for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you just google that? No, I had an audition once, and it was in the, in the sides. It was really? Yea, yea, the person that says it. They sent you in for a Filipino person? No, no, he just had to say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would happen in this town for sure. What is this by the way? I don't know what this is. What is this mommy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so tell me how you feel about this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally. He's fine. We checked it out. No, you didn't. Yeah, yeah, it's in Taiwan. And it was in the news there. Can you say Taiwan again? Taiwan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coming to America, as what I read, was that they shot it in 21 or 23 days. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unbelievable. And he the whole time was making changes, you know, obviously like making it more his, but yeaah, I mean that movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Tacoma, Seattle, yeaah. Yeaah, it's like home, right? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look like you just saw a felony. You know what I mean? Your face is like, I have to call the cops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you had to vote, like, would you rather see the things that I was showing you or these TikToks? Yours are way better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, you know, just after like a questionable, uh, exchange, it's just like, nah, I should. I should get tested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like in the panel, you know? It's not like specifically just AIDS. AIDS is included in everything else that I'm talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is on YouTube. So, uh, yeaah, someone sent this in and at first I thought it was like, oh, this is like a bad fake pre- like sketch or whatever. Yeah. And then they started rubbing their stomachs together and then I thought, you know what, maybe this is for the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It probably starts with first like, hey, do you wanna make a video? And then they get the camera out, and then they forget that they need to figure out what they're gonna record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, so those of you that have been following me, I am now following you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was, and by the way, didn't you end up jumping ahead before you jump back? Didn't you end up doing Gloria also on SNL? No, never. No. I thought you did do her. I thought it was like a Miami sketch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay, well cause she's super Miami, you know? She embodies what Miami is. But what we did was we took, uh, uh, the conga song, right? Yes. And we, we put farts. We made it better. We put farts over like every horn, like, brrrr, brrrr, brrrr. And we do that conga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we did that and then we were like, we want Gloria to hear this. So we were trying to get the audience to reach out to her. But before that, we actually had you pretend to be Gloria Estefan. And it was hilarious. And you called in, right? You called and was it a conversation we had? Yeah, we had a phone call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've done so many- I think so. It's so funny to think about now though too, like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thinking about back in the day, which is only like, you know, like less than a decade ago, but like being like, oh, this is like, this is the type of person like you that should be on an SNL. But then you go like, that's a crazy thing to say, you know, like it's such a, I don't know, it's the peak, it's the top of the mountain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, you started putting it out there, and like, is this this thing that you're telling your, also whoever your rep, you're like, I wanna be on, like, get me on, is that part of the conversation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's always these crazy stories, like they're famous now, there's shows on them about the auditions. Was it like the most terrifying thing to audition?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so this is, how long between your first, uh, you treated Yoshi twice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I don't know what that is. But hey, that's, I mean, was it, okay, so to go back to that, when you, when you didn't get it in 2009 or 10, were you crushed? You were 21. Yeah, I was like, I was, yeah. You were devastated by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how nuts is it though when it's like, hey, you're hired and like you call your mom and your brother, you know what I mean? Isn't that a crazy conversation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's right. That's right. It's so special. When you were not, uh, between your first and second audition, were you still like, you know, when you came back to like, I want to do it, were you watching regularly or did you check it out sometimes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many, how many episodes a season do you do? Like 20, 21.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what, I mean this sincerely, super proud of you. Oh my gosh, 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think everybody was in the comedy world. It's so weird to be so joyful for somebody in this business. Like most of the time you're like, that guy's a piece of shit. But then when sometimes there's somebody who you're like, man, I really hope the best things happen for them. That's so sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, she's gonna say, she's a sweet girl. If somebody with limited abilities in the mind,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So uhm, have you ever heard of erotic hypnosis? I would like to show you some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is his show. This is his audition for Lauren. He, uh, yeaah, this is, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing is if, I've been to a hip, like back in college. Yeaah, that's what they were, colleges. Yeaah, they go, uh, the person next to you smells, and you see the person going like, you know, they do like silly things. Yeaah. But this guy's like, come for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But everybody who does this signed up for it, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, can you find that old helicopter lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you tell me- I see that. Yeah. I mean, I don't- I like, you know, old people getting fucked up a little bit. Not like- Right, right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's so great. There's no laugh like that, you know what I mean? Like, it's hard, it's hard to tell a joke as funny as that. I know! Yeah, where you're just like, oh that's fucking perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, to back that up and not hit him was the goal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, alright. But anyways, we did fear as you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, maybe it's not. I've seen that. I've seen it. Yeah, yeah, where the escalator opens people and then it just closes. What? I don't know. Sean. Google that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I've seen other, someone, one of my friends showed me, uh, a clip of a guy riding one down, and it opened midway, like the thing is separated, and it just closed, and it just kept going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, I like being high up, but if it's a hotel that has like, sometimes, you know, a small hotel, five floors, I just don't want to stay on one. I don't like staying on one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we were all in the same place until very recently, and then Josh here can, can fill you in. Josh, what is, tell, can you explain to Melissa what Cameo is first?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they hit up Josh just from being here, being a comic, and he in the last week and a half has done over 85


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you can also shut, you can shut it down. Like you can take a break, right? You can be like, I'm not ready right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Let me know. Thank you. And I'm not on it. I'm not trying to get a piece of this. I was just trying to, you know, make you happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No accents? What if you listen to it a lot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to ask if this is the same for you. One time I talked to somebody who did impressions well and I said like how do you know you can do it? And he said it's one of those things where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You eat, in the moment you go like, I can do that or I can't, like you, you try it and it's either starts to feel like I can do this or you're like, oh, that's one I can't do. It feels like it's pretty, pretty quickly figures out whether it's one you're going to be able to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you, you feel it. And then, do you ever get bummed out about like, one you want to do? And you're like, fuck, I just, I can't do that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a big thing amongst, amongst, uh, some of the Irish travelers is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a cool mom. Oh, she doesn't know she's being recorded. It was a game changer. And we threw the TMZ effects on, because I knew it would get ripped. But the fart is 100% real. Is this it here? Check out on this screen right here. She doesn't know I'm recording her. I come up behind her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's like, my dad has some real intestinal issues. Okay. And, uh, like, I've shared a hotel room where he farted, and I was like, well, I'm gonna go have a drink now. And left. It'll take a few hours. And came back. So it's exactly like he just farted. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but nerves do do that. I mean, I've had that like after a show where you're like, your stomach is, you hold it in, you know, like your, like all the emotions are like in your guts basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine the insanity of leaving a shower to sit on the toilet and pee?


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[Assistant] What happened? I didn't speak loud enough. So the gate closed. I'm a low talker.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, me too. It's gotta hear it. Like when I do stand up shows, we do sound check. Like turn it up, because the audience is gonna be like, huh? Yeah. Cause I talk like this.


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[Assistant] That makes complete sense though. It only doesn't make sense to someone who doesn't perform ever. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] It's all in there. I learned a lie to, uh, my dad, but like, uh, like, uh, just to avoid the explanation of things when he goes, uh, he goes, where are you? And I go, I'm in, you know, Hartford or whatever.


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[Assistant] How was the show tonight? I just go, it was great. Cause there was, there was like years where you go like, you know, uh, no, tonight kind of sucked. And then he goes, why?


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[Assistant] And you're like, I don't know, I mean just, it just was kind of a shitty show.


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[Assistant] What'd you do? And then you have to go back into it, yea. But they don't understand. Yea, I know.


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[Assistant] That gratitude thing really works though. You know, expressing it.


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[Assistant] Even Muslim. Alright, so, it was uhm, you know one of my favorite, I hope you write down the, uh, the worst guests and stuff, and like journal exact things. That was one of my favorite things was I think Spade, or one of those guys, Schneider from that era was like, oh man, Steven Seagal was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the host. Yeah, yeah, and then, uh, I think they said that Paris Hilton was like, uncoachable. She was terrible too. So, but like those stories later on are fascinating to hear, you know, like, uh, I think that Seagal also was like, oh yeah, everything that they were like, everything that was pitched, he was like,


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[Assistant] Okay, cool man. Uhm, Trump, I think, some people said that he used to have a sense of humor about himself. I think they said, some of the roast people were like, oh, he was a good sport. You know, this was like five or six years ago, but that when he was on as a candidate, that he was shutting down, like, not getting what was funny.


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[Assistant] We're going back, uh, you're going back for, I just threw myself in there. We are going back to SNL for season 4. Melissa and I too are the stars.


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[Assistant] No, like the uhm, I can't think of the word, but the person that, like that,


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[Assistant] Totes, man. Unless they're Korean.


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[Assistant] You should just write a sketch based on what I showed you. Be my mom and just go, you're not my son anymore.


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[Assistant] Thank you for coming back here. I know we are beneath you, but this is a thrill for us. We're super happy. We love you guys.


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[Assistant] I wish you would call CPS on me, cause I'll beat the hell out of you too, Karen.


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[Assistant] RPC, we, uh, released a Christmas special.


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[Assistant] I mean the dedication Dr. Drew has to the show is commendable. And also it was great to get an inside look into RPC's world and life and how that brain, uhm, works. And I have to, I'll tell you a little behind the scenes stuff.


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[Assistant] After Drew interviewed RPC in Jew Dork Titties, uhm, I was on the way to the airport here in LA, and I get a phone call from Dr. Drew.


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[Assistant] Wow. Like just wow. He said in his exact words were, I'm impressed. Now, you know a man that has done...


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[Assistant] We've really been into Fed Smoker lately around the house. Oh, yeah. We've been talking about breaking proto. All day, all day.


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[Assistant] And it, but I, okay, this is a stupid thought, but I, I was thinking about how come child molester is cho-mo, it should be chi-mo.


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[Assistant] Chomo, C-H-O, C-H-I-Mo. Child, molester. Why is it Chomo?


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[Assistant] You know what's great about your impression of him is it goes a little bit in a top dog.


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[Assistant] Well, it's interesting because uhm, math is particularly bad. From what I've learned from Dr. Drew. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] It's a whole new, if you, if you are mentally ill, it's like putting kerosene on a brain that's already...


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[Assistant] Chemicals and the cocaine? Absolutely. Okay, Google that shit, native.


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[Assistant] Whaaat? Are you serious? Yea. I guess the 80's stuff I heard was better. I don't know, I don't take cocaine.


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[Assistant] Well, it should make you mad like that. It makes me effing mad when you go to the Apple store.


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[Assistant] And they promise you the dream of a new fixed thing. Yeah. And then all your shit's gone, like come on, bruh.


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[Assistant] What I think is her kids? Is she that fired up? Kid picks?


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[Assistant] She's great. Can I say what I wanted to say though? Yeah, of course. Go back to the beginning, at the beginning of this clip.


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[Assistant] I did say Merry Christmas a lot this last season.


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[Assistant] And we, most of us celebrate Christmas in this country, so I'm gonna go with the majority.


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[Assistant] Except for, uhm, I gave a card to somebody I knew as Hindu, and that one I changed to Happy Holidays. I gave the peanuts cards that I give, but I wrote Happy Holidays. I have respect for her.


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[Assistant] It's related to our children, so I don't wanna...


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[Assistant] You're right, Tom, I didn't think of it that way. It's throwing the media off the trail of the crimes he's actually committing right now. Oh, that's interesting.


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[Assistant] He is. How's his socials been lately? I haven't been on his socials.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. He likes heavyset blonde women I think.


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[Assistant] Is that supposed to be here, happening? Is that supposed to be? Huh? And then they're like, happy birthday. He's like, oh, ha ha ha ha ha.


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[Assistant] But Nadav, I'm laying in bed, I'm telling you, it's like...


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[Assistant] It's, it is literally the worst shit you could watch before you go to sleep at night and dream. You know why you read children nice bedtime stories? So that they have a positive thing before you go into the unconscious and you dream. You dream positive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, what are you watching? Haven't we watched all the murder shows? He's gone through all the narcos, he's gone through all the drug lord stuff, and now we're just, how do you even find the new murder show?


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[Assistant] It's not healthy to, to pull your head full of garbage. It's a fascinating story. It's like watching the news right before bed. You don't want to do those things.


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[Assistant] But do you understand, do you guys in the booth sympathize with my thing of like, before you go to sleep, don't, Nadav, don't you have a nice relaxing routine before bed?


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[Assistant] Right, happy, positive, good feelings.


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[Assistant] No, I love American Psycho. It is a comedy. There's laugh out loud parts.


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[Assistant] It's really funny though, and it's not true, but his are like the woman next door, the blonde woman.


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[Assistant] By the Chomo, you know, it's always like very detailed horror, and it's all real.


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[Assistant] No? It's probably why I don't read fiction. I get so annoyed. I don't want to hear flourishing details. Let's just get to the stuff. I fast forward through all the setup. Do you watch the setup? You need to know the story?


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[Assistant] You're a sex worker, you're a lesbian, and a comedian.


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[Assistant] You're a lesbian in a cisgendered male's body.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's fine. She always has roots. She never has her hair done.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, I follow her on the gram. Like you're, you're talking to somebody that curates in this stuff. This is my field.


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[Assistant] You know why? Because I am an expert at TikToks and she's on the middle spectrum of what I normally curate.


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[Assistant] This is Robert Paul's champagne about 25 years ago. This is how it starts. This is the beginning.


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[Assistant] The singing, he's very theatrical. He was kind of a hot bod back then. He's starting to collect these antiques. There's like a Jiffy Pop old school popcorn popper in the back.


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[Assistant] I live for this. I live for this.


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[Assistant] Wait no, I'd like to hear the chorus again.


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[Assistant] Well, I've heard rumors that she doesn't always take her meds.


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[Assistant] Yeah, can we just make an announcement to all the gentlemen listening? Just don't make videos for girls. It's really tough.


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[Assistant] And, but the good news Tom, there's traffic in the background. He's on a hallway of some sort. So the audio is not perfect.


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[Assistant] He looks a lot better with his shades on BTWs.


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[Assistant] Let me see. No, but you're not as fair-haired. He's blonde. Us blondies don't do well. Yeah. Like dog shit. God. Damn.


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[Assistant] Well, speaking of not aging well, I went to the Chrysler's house over the weekend.


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[Assistant] I see most of my friends in the dark because of what we do for a living, so I haven't seen


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[Assistant] Bert and Leanne in broad daylight for a while. No, Leanne I've seen more recently, but Bert.


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[Assistant] We were in his backyard and the sun was out. And it, he was laughing.


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[Assistant] And I got a really good look at those chompers.


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[Assistant] So many different colors. So many different colors. There's metal hooks that are from, I don't know, like a bridge that he had done in the 70s. And then they're different colors, so they look like those corns that you put on the table at Thanksgiving, the yellow corn.


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[Assistant] I know. Well, I heard he bought a house for like 25 million.


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[Assistant] Oh, and you have that, I mean like you say in your act, if that's what your mouth looks like, imagine what the downstairs. How much gold is in there? GOLD! I mean, I used to have a gold post from a fruit canal.


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[Assistant] It is time. It's time. You guys aren't really seeing the full details here. It literally is. There's so many colors. Yellow.


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[Assistant] Brown. Off white. One white.


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[Assistant] And I asked Leanne because I was so upset and I said, Leanne, get over here. I go, what is this? And I pointed to Burt's mouth and I go, how, you're the wife. This is the wife's job. All the wifey's listening.


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[Assistant] No, she does say things I don't know and she has all these cool sayings, but she told me that she makes the appointments for him and then he cancelled.


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[Assistant] So she is taking care of him, but he needs to go, and you guys need to tell him, take some of those millions, take-


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[Assistant] Cause he has no teeth. His teeth are as bad as Burt's. No.


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[Assistant] What if the stinky pussy lady is the greatest lover of all time?


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[Assistant] But I can't get over his lack of teeth and his general...


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[Assistant] Women have to be attracted physically.


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[Assistant] We were reading Copy for Tushy a while ago today.


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[Assistant] And how do you get skid marks in your panties? Cause I don't get them. Do you get skids? Well my stepdad, rest in peace, used to get skids a lot. From having a dirty asshole. Right, but then how does the chocolate get from your b-hole to that?


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[Assistant] And Dom knows. Is that how you've gotten skids before? Sure. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Okay. That's how you get them skids. That's how it happens.


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[Assistant] February 14th, 15th, Tampa in Florida at the Tampa Improv.


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[Assistant] February 28th and 29th, Manfriend Disco at Cobbs Comedy Club.


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[Assistant] March 13th through 14th, um, Doral, Florida at the Miami Improv.


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[Assistant] April 3rd and 4th, Jew dork titties at Caroline's.


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[Assistant] Uh, April 24th at the 25th, Des Moines, Iowa, Des Moines at the Funny Bone. Women are stupid. June 12th through 13th, Fartnicks, Arizona at Stand Up Live. Take a shot. And I'm gonna smell it. Christina P online. Follow me at the Christina P on the gram. Catch my curations of the talk.


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[Assistant] Let me apologize in advance, I bought knockoff fubu in Korea.


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[Assistant] When people come in and they present to you and you can feel how nervous they are, do you die inside for them or does it, cause they cut to you guys and you guys have the stern and I know that showbiz. I love them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause he's the fashion guy. If you're the retailer, you're gonna go to Damon. Whenever it's a clothing company, go, oh, that's gonna be his. And then if it's a Bed Bath & Beyond product, it's Lori all the way.


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[Assistant] Now, here's what I think I've learned watching Shark Tank. I'd love for you to elaborate on my thoughts here.


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[Assistant] Uhm, number one, don't expand unnecessarily. For instance, I remember one time there was a company that every Christmas I think this woman would send out like a personalized letter from Sant or some shit like that. Like it's a seasonal item. She goes, and I want to expand, I want to do birthdays, I want to do Easter with the Easter Bunny. And you guys, at least from what I glean,


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[Assistant] The idea being do just one thing and do it really well and fuck the expansions.


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[Assistant] Alright, someone else, that's money that somebody else can scoop up essentially.


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[Assistant] Interesting. And also it seems too the key to success is creating something truly proprietary. What you're saying, if somebody else can go and make that same fucking thing.


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[Assistant] Interesting. And that's what makes it proprietary. You're putting a little different twist on it. I can't go make a bomba sock, cause I don't know how the fuck these guys are doing it.


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[Assistant] And then also, you guys always point this out when somebody's selling really well online.


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[Assistant] I love this. Well, I got that from somebody else's. Well, that's great. And so what do you think goes into being a brilliant business person?


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[Assistant] What is the trait that you have that you think makes you good at this?


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[Assistant] Oh my god. How do you deal with, I mean, yeah, how did you sleep at night? What did you do to get through that?


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[Assistant] That's interesting. That's what, remember that guy Jerry, that famous attorney, he used to wear that wacky fucking jacket, suede jacket with the tassels on it. Jerry Spence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I read it like in high school and he talks about appealing to this guy with the wacky jacket that his wife made him.


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[Assistant] They naturally assume their power, which is interesting. Small children, they come into the world assuming that they shouldn't have stuff. You know, and then you get beaten down by society and life that tells you that your power exists outside of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also, if you look at somebody like Dane Cook, who we've also had on this show, Dane Cook was the first MySpace comic that he harnessed.


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[Assistant] It's a hotel experience, it's a weekend seminar.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. Who would you rather date, Scotty-O or her?


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[Assistant] Everything can be an orgasm, Tom.


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[Assistant] What's the best business you've ever seen? Like the best model? What's pornography? Is it drugs? What's the most highly profitable business with no bullshit? Best way to make money.


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[Assistant] So that's what I'm thinking too when I watch it cause it can go either way as a viewer where you're like, that's even the dumbest thing I've seen or it's gonna be massive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do the pet products annoy you slightly, right?


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[Assistant] Grant Cardone says we should not own a house. He says we should only rent.


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[Assistant] How should I buy your book? Would you want a hard copy? You want me to Amazon? What do you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well let me, let me just ask you a really simple question. A lot of people think it's unbecoming for a preacher to live a life of luxury and to fly around in private jets. What's your response to that?


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[Assistant] You said that you don't like to fly commercial because you don't wanna get into a tube with a bunch of demons. Do you really believe that human beings are demons?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, the debate is really cooking. It's really going. So we're going to, we're going to get right into it. Uh, in just a moment. There's so much, this is going to be, I'm calling it now. It's going to be one of your favorite episodes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. I'm your favorite, she's here too. Let's get into it.


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[Assistant] He thinks all game shows are stupid. He also hates sitcoms.


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[Assistant] It's funny that you mentioned that because my dad enjoyed a couple. He hates all modern sitcoms. He enjoyed Three's Company and I think he liked All in the Family.


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[Assistant] Yeah. No, I've, I've been, uh, I've been with Allie on the road and I see her.


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[Assistant] Loves it. Loves it. Loves it. I know, people do. That's half of the, the world is doing that. I can't, I mean. And the office, still, these shows have been off the air 10, 15, 20 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to bust Craig Robinson's balls, uh, cause he's on The Office. Yes. And, uh, cause he was like, yeah, you know, it's a pretty big show. I was like, yeah, it sucks though compared to the original. And he was like, yes, six episode seasons. Have fun with that. I'm like, well, when they're quality, it takes you a while to make them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The British version is so good. It's really funny. With Gervais, it's so amazing.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, he's amazing. Yeaah. I watched the pilot of uh, The Office, like when it debuted on NBC and I was like, well, guess I won't be watching the rest of that shit. Turn that off. That's painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Steve Carell is great, but I was just like, this is a fucking weak version of the show that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I almost, I almost puked and passed out because I had to do, I had to read something at a wedding.


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[Assistant] And this is like, I was doing already 1500 seat theaters. You know? And like, and that was no problem. But to go up and read something serious at a wedding, I had to read a passage. You know? Like I'm saying in front of an audience. But like, it was not to be funny. Like, I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I did it at one of the theaters this week, one of the big ones. I just went out and I was like, it's great to be here. 2600 people, I swear. And I was like, gotta get that shirt in the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, people have been saying, throwing a pee on there, but uh, Really? But I mean, when you look it up, it just, there's no pee, like the actual...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he does? Okay. Well, that big word knows what he's talking about, so I guess, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll have to give him the benefit of the doubt.


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[Assistant] What? I'm trying to look something up so we can get it happening. I want to have a real detailed conversation about this. It has really taken over. People are saying it left and right. I did not know that there was a P on there. Seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, people have given me just dozens of opinions about this. So, let's pull this up and let you know what people are actually saying. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are saying it's the new home here now. It is the new home here now. So the, the opinions, didn't I post the whole thing of them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeaah, I mean, I know, but where, where happened to the, I did a post that had like all the different opinions. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or it was like a swipe, it was like eight pages of it? Did it get taken down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My stories. Okay. Anyways, uh, yeaah. So anyway, people, that's so, that's so crazy. They must've taken it down. Are you sure? That's just, uh, yeaah, they did. They do that sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I can read a few that were sent to me. So people, uh, people,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People had a different, differing opinions. It's a big thing here. So here's, here's a, one of the big ones that came in that I was like, wow. Uhm, this says, I'm black. That's how it starts. Alright, this is a message I was sent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess he's saying, oh, he's saying he should read this because of what he, all right. So he goes, but the, the subwoo guy is saying you niggas don't want no rec.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, hold on. Like, like you don't want to get fucked up. Like car wrecks and shit. Nobody wants to wreck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So say you don't want no rec because I'll fuck you up to the point gonna think you was in a rec. I was in a gang called GD and all in a gang got their own slang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, bloods take out every C at the beginning of the word and put a B instead of cigarettes, bigarets, and shit like that. Or anything with the C or K sound. Like, I'm kicking back coolin'. And then niggas say, oh shit, my nigga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this to you on Instagram, if it's okay. Suwoo to my Tom. Oh yeah. Suwoo is a war cry. Let people know you are blood. Let fellow blood in the area know that shit is about to go down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there you go. Thank you, King. King Black. Solomon. Appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's, okay, so, so just to be clear, this is a former gang member who is for sure saying that this gentleman is saying that they, you don't want no rec, right? As in W-R-E-C-K. The debate has come to the point where some people are saying,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people were even throwing out there in the post that got taken down that uhm, that he was saying you don't work no red, like as in like rep the red color because you're a blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, want, no. And he's definitely saying want, no. And then the debate would just be whether that's rec or rep or red.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's work no, want no. Yeah, I still am. I'm just perplexed that Instagram took that down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I did was I did screen grabs of all the messages I got. And I, I mean, I got, you know, a bunch of them, but I just, I took like different ones and, uh, yeah, they took it down. That's so funny, man. Just for like somebody saying, Oh, I think he's saying this. It's wild. What would they take that down for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. It opens on his- There it is, yeaah. That's it, she's right. Click that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Todd, I was watching the latest episode of YouTube. I think the guy, the sugu guy is saying, warrant no rep. He's definitely not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we should delete your post. Um, work no rec means rec time where they kick your ass cause you got, cause you fucked up. I mean, it's, that is probably, I would say in the votes, this is probably the, the leader is want, well, want or work no rec.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think blooddude is saying, you don't work no wreck. Blood sometimes drop the C from the letters like he's saying, y'all don't sell no crack. Hmm. I'm white but pinned to jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want no rec. Rec is slang for recreation. The whole statement means you basically, you don't want to fight basically. That is a, I mean, that's, that's a valid endorsement of that being the phrase, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe the debate is really about rec or rep, right? It's you don't work no rec, as in you people of color are not working with a criminal rec.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he might have heard the saying, right, his interpretation is completely TikTok. It's work no rep. So this is one of the other big debates, right? Work no rep. Could it be, could it be that this man is saying


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rep is what set you claim, like Blood or Crypt. Work is basically what you do under your set. So he's basically saying these big words aren't outdoing work under the rep. They aren't actually banging under the set. I mean, this is a valid


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Argument. I mean, I feel like we just need, you know, kind of like a Bernie Trump debate at this point. We need people from each camp to get time on the mic and explain themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, is there more? I think the blood is saying work no red. Red being the color, or want no red. You big words don't want no red.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, that's it. It has been a lot of fun to entertain that. I feel like, I don't know if the debate is settled. No I'm saying that's it as in the presentation of the evidence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we found this man. I tried to send him a message and I got to the whole thing. It took me through a process of how to direct message him. And then when I hit send, it was like, he doesn't follow you. He can't get received. But I was like, oh great. But I did go to his page and see that people are commenting. So you might be able to see if you go to his TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That uhm, maybe he's answered. I don't know at this point because people were commenting all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he's actually answered somebody and been like, this is what I'm saying. But other than, yeah, it's, it's either that or we just got to reach out to a real act of blood and be like, hey man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and be like, dude, what's going on here? And have him be like, pfft, obviously. It's you. Don't walk in a wreck. Alright, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, that was a lot of fun. Yea, you guys can keep weighing in on it. We, we still are, we're still to the point where we don't exactly know. Alright, a couple things I want to tell you. Uh, I had the best, best time in doing this run that I did that started in Des Moines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went to Lincoln, I went to Sioux City, Minneapolis and Fargo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Des Moines, I gotta tell the people who if you don't know that live there, you have a, an amazing restaurant in town called Proof. They stayed open late for us. There is a, a future superstar chef. He's 21 years old there. Oh my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy was making incredible dishes, and I'm like, you're 21? He came and he talked to us. Yeah, proof in, proof Des Moines. Uhm, this, the menu, hit the menu there. Uh, this guy was making.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like, it's the combinations of things that really, you know what I mean? Like when, like he made this, this incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he actually has an Instagram, I didn't even realize that. So I met this kid, uh, Diego Rodriguez. He is from Mexico. He's making just out of this world dishes. So guess what? So I'm sitting there, I'm talking to him afterwards. He brought, he just made the most incredible salmon dish I've ever had there. He had pieces of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unbelievable dishes. The whole thing was. Uhm, bone marrow. Anyways, when we're done with it, I'm talking to him like you're 21 and you're coming up. So I'm like, were you a sous chef? You know, as a teen in like some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, but also like, did you do it at a, obviously a high end, you know, like a Michelin star restaurant? You're like, nope. Uh, do you know where he worked before he became the executive chef at Proof? This great restaurant. Uh, Chipotle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just scooped beans? And he's like, yeah. And I'm like, how did you come up with this? I don't know. I just like, like he has just, he just has that ability. He just has the talent. It's like when you, somebody sings and you're like, so were you formally trained? Like, no, I just know how to sing like this. He's like that, but as a, as a chef. So I'm telling you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he got a job there probably, you know, as a, like cooking and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get it. F this up. Uhm, my guy, what is his name, uh, Gorman reached out about giving us a tour. This is like the day before they reached out. Hey, do you want to tour the University of Nebraska's football facilities? And I was like, yeah, okay, cool. I show up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he, Jeremiah, so did I go to the locker room? They give me the full.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they gave me the full tour that you give like a recruit, which is like, if you're a big college football fan, like I am just that experience at any big time university is so much fun, man. I had, I had a blast. They took me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Through their, you know, their kind of welcome area, their, their strength and conditioning room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. They took me in their equipment room, the locker room, they took me out on the field. I snapped, uhm, I snapped the ball and Searls there held it and then Sickler kicked two legit field goals. Which is pretty crazy. Uhm, I think if you go to the, let's see, this is walking through their tunnel. This is like right here, you can play this. I'm actually, I snap it to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To, uh, Searls here and then look. Look at Ryan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had so much fun on this trip, but getting this tour was just amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny that uhm, this was given to me. This tracksuit was given to me. And it's, it was like the day before I left. Yeah. So I was like, oh, I'll just, you know, I was like, yeah, I'll just wear this to travel this week. And then like we're doing our soundcheck before Des Moines and I was like, oh, take a picture of me in my all red tracksuit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so fun. Uhm, but anyways, I want to thank the, the, those guys, Gorman, Jeremiah, and everybody there at University of Nebraska for just like an experience. It got me so excited, like I had so much fun doing that tour that I've already set up a tour at another


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it is uhm, it really is fun for me, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should have internment camps for people that put pineapple on pizza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Hawaiian pizza? Ugh, we gotta file divorce papers. I am absolutely disgusted with that concept. Pineapple, ham on a pizza? It's good. Get fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, just before, I celebrated what a great week it was, but I gotta tell you the dumbest part of my week. I didn't really get to tell you this. There's this thing too, and I know it happens when...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you live in a big city, you're just used to a certain pace for things and also for the way that, uh, like customer service kind of is handled. Because you know that there's just a lot of, a lot going on, a lot of movement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm down, I'm in a hotel, we had our show the night before, I'm in a hotel, uh, bus, we have a bus that's picking us up from the hotel at, let's say noon, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bus is picking us up at noon. I go downstairs, I have breakfast and now I'm going to get a coffee, go upstairs, take a shit, get my stuff together, come down, the bus takes us. So at like 11,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the little icon, the symbol for the fire department is lit up, meaning that like, the elevator has been turned off, right? For whatever reason. So I notice that and I go, alright, so I walk over to the front desk and I'm like, hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should be like, yeah, they all should be, but they're, they're not. And she's like, okay, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe they're working on it. I'm like, could you find out though? Like since I want to take it. She's like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, like, there's a walkie-talkie literally next to her on the desk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, could you, uh, radio someone and find out? And she's like, well, I know they're working on it. And I'm like, you just said that like one of them is working. And she's like, well, it should have been working. I'm like, could you pick it? Could you radio someone and find out? So she picks it up and she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys working on the elevator? The guy's like, yup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, yeah, they're working on it. I go, can you find out how long it'll be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, you could take the stairs. And I go, I know, but I'm on the 16th. I kind of got a dump in my pants right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I'm like, I'm trying to tell her why I don't want to walk the 16 floors is because, you know, I'm not that comfortable right now. I'm like, could you, you know, I have bags I'm going to have to break. Like, could you just, and she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I guess they're working on it. I go, could you ask for a timeframe for how long it'll be? Like, is it going to be five minutes? 30 minutes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll have to take either the 16 flights of stairs, but that's not even the point. The point is, why don't you think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you know how there's guests here? They would like to know how long it'll be. Like I'm telling her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think all these people would like to know whether they're waiting five minutes or an hour? And she's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeez. She's like, uhm, do you know how long it's gonna be? And then the guy's like, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess like 10 or 20 minutes. And she's like, I guess like 10 or 20 minutes. And then she's like, you could take the stairs. I'm like, again, right? We're going to double up on the explanation. I go, all right. I go, where are your fucking stairs? And I do say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, huh. She's like, that's not a real Nebraska phrase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they show me where it is. You have to go down two flights of stairs to take the stairs up. So you actually, yeah. Cause the stairwell starts in their basement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you go from the lobby down two flights of stairs, and then you go up, you're essentially 18. So I go 18 flights of stairs up, with my coffee, and like a movie, as I open the door on the 16th floor, I hear, ding! And the guy goes, elevator's working!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But her lack of like, I'm like, Jesus Christ, man, I'm not asking you fucking where the underwear is in the store. Like, is the elevator gonna work? Should be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so fucking upsetting. It was just, I mean, the shit was fine. It was just like, nobody wants to hike 18 flights when you have a shit ready to go. No, I know. No, your body actually ends up shutting it down some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, now I had to like wait again for it to come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll see he's cleaning his knife in a Pepsi, wiping the dog food off of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would not talk poorly of this fed smoker. If I were you. I'd just leave him be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uh, it's not on me, fat smoker. I think you're doing great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For having the wherewithal and the, just, just the ability to film himself while doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I would be like, I gotta put this down. And he's like, nope, this is good content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is something, man. I mean, the hair. Cause I feel like in his other video where he approaches the security guy, he seems way more put together in that video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This video seems like things have been going south.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder which is, which is, you know what I mean, is this earlier or is this later?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're really crazy. This is also an amazing thing to get into here. A lot of you have made note, as we have many times, that one of the all-time great guests on this show, in most people's books, it's just no debate a top three, one, two, or three, however you feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has, was, uh, Danny Brown. Danny Brown, uh, the rapper also has a, a television show now, uhm, is it Danny's Basement? Is that what it's called? Danny's House? Danny's House on Viceland, uhm, which was great, uhm, came out a few months ago. He has a new album out called, You Know What I'm Saying, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so great, and, uh, Danny did an interview with, uhm, what is it, Pitchfork, where he listed the nine things that inspired, you know what I'm saying, and we are beyond honored


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeah, we're just honored. It's such a thrill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Podcasts are taking over my music life. Then he goes on to that, but, uh, then he named the album. You know what I'm saying? So we're just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, first of all, we've had guests on the show who have heard episodes or clips, but it's rare to have a guest who's a fun guest who actually, without a doubt, listens to the show because he was able to jump in on every joke, all the lexicon, he knew all the moments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I kinda miss jail. That, to me, was the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I already messaged him, I messaged him when his show came out, I was like, you gotta come back, and he was like, I'm down, so we'll definitely have him back whenever he wants. So, this is, you're not ready. I don't know if the audience is ready, I don't know if anyone's ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell the full story. So I guessed it on Dr. Drew After Dark, uh, yesterday as of this taping. And that episode won't come out for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I got to see this on, so you'll see, like, if you, if you watch both, it's actually out of order. That's the first time I saw it will be on Drew. And we were going to be like, oh, let's hold it until then. But I was like, I can't, there's no way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not ready. The audience isn't ready. So this came to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Via a fan who was like, I found this, and this is, you know, we've seen RPC, uh, the great Robert Paul Champagne in a lot of different settings, talking a lot of shit, doing a lot of things. He is an endless source of entertainment, but personally I've never seen this, and that's why I'm like, well, we gotta, we gotta get rid of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything, sitting at home, anything other than code would probably be a good thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm. Something tells me that AC is probably not a top priority in his apartment. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple things though, uh, that you should know. I spoke yesterday to Dr. Drew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that should excite, uhm, Robert. I mean, listen, Robert, Drew's a happily married man, but he's got a rockin' body. So I would even just, you know, see what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, that's yeaah. Really cool Robert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, go ahead and cue it for me. Oh yeah, he's just like, I'm talking, I'm talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to his page. Like go to his actual, click on his profile. And is it, let's see. Yea, all the video titles have cool names. How is he doing that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes me laugh, it's like a funny show. Oh boy. I'd rather watch this than Friends. Same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy in his Harlem den coming over and over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's great. He's the greatest. I don't want to wear a diaper. Oh, I do want to watch this one thing you keep telling me about. So, uh, yeaah. Let me find this before we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this man, he clearly states he was on drugs and alcohol. He got the most insane facial tattoo. It's a full clown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or imagine, like, the, when he got this, and then he went to their, what's their juggalo? The gathering. Yeah. So he showed up with that, and people were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so yeaah. He probably rode that wave for a minute. And then what happened was the, you know, the excitement dips, right? And then people were like, hey man, I don't think that Pizza Hut is really the place for you. And then, then you start to go like, oh shit, I can't even work in a warehouse. And they're like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean you have to either own your own business or like somebody that is, that owns their own business that's friends with you or kind is like yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He probably didn't have somebody who was like, oh, this is my baby. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Again, you know what I would do? Offer money to get it re-tattooed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'd be like, what? And you'd be like, no, how about another 20 grand?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know how much meth is. Can you Google it? I'm trying to buy some meth. How much is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much is crystal? It can't be that much. One hit of, ooh, 25 bucks. Oh, one hit? That can get as high as 80 per hit. That's expensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. We're really excited that we now get to chat with one of the funniest people that does stand up today. And one of the funniest people we've had sit here and that is, uh, Jessica Currisson. So she is coming right up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, for those of you that want to see us live, a quick update there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, let's see, I'm going to Europe and, uh, everything is sold out except for you can get tickets to the Paris show. Uh, there's a few tickets left. They release some tickets in London. It's a big show there. And then the early show, well the early show in Dublin has 40 tickets left. So those are the ones with tickets left. When I come back,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in Kingston, New York on November 6th. The Late Show in New York City at the Beacon Theater on November 7th has tickets, as does the Late Show in Ben Salem on the 8th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, then you can get tickets to Syracuse and if you want on that run leading up to the special taping, uh, Charlotte is about to go, Lake Charles, Louisiana is about to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After that, Austin was all sold out, then Melbourne and Miami.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eerie, Pennsylvania, the added show in Columbus, and you can get show, tickets to the shows in Windsor, uhm, at the, uh, Caesars there, and then Honolulu and Hawaii. This is a big update for the New Year. Uh, Australia is all sold out, except for a hundred tickets left in Melbourne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a few tickets left in New Zealand. All the other shows in Australia are sold out in January of 2020. Uh, we're not adding, so if you got your tickets, you'll be at the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's that and I'm announcing 2020 dates in a month or so, but very excited. Thank you guys for your support and all those, uh, those live shows. Really appreciate it. And now back to the show and Jessica curse on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we'll give her credit for being the original fan. But I'm also a fan. Thank you. That's really sweet. You're a killer. Uh, before we even get any further, just to let people know, Jessica Curzon, you have a new special that will be coming out in December. December 6th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember being in writers rooms, uh, on a couple, like, gigs that I had, where they were like, oh, like, do you still think you're gonna do stand up? And I was like, cause it was like ten years ago, and I was like, you know, this is just like a six week job, and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what you should be doing though. This is realistic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, yes. I mean, I remember when we would, you know, uh, pay rent, and then you'd have a feature gig coming up, so you're getting a hundred a show, but then you realize, oh, it's not for two weeks, so you're like, fuck, I have two weeks of no, like, no income. Yeaah. And then when I do that feature week, I'll have to deduct the plaintiff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, our resident Jew always fills us in on like what's going on. And we saw this, we get, we get sent a lot of clips. And so, these Jewish kids, I'll just play the video for you. I want to see if your assessment lines up with his, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might be different, but just so you know, the, uh, the person who posted this video, I'll guide you through it as we play it, okay? So here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so the guy's- What the fuck just happened? Right! So, this guy's golfing, and he's done with his round of golf, and he pulls up in the cart, to his car, where he's gonna unload his bags now, and load up his car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they just, they, they board his car, and they're like, I want, give me your car. Like, like, give me this. And he's like, hola, hola, hola. It, it goes, because he's like, what, he's, he's having your, he's like, what's going on? So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's like, you know, he's kind of amused and also kind of a little freaked out is what it seems like. He's like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's the equivalent of like the, the hey y'all Southern Baptist lady who's like, bless her heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, this is such a fucking homework.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have a specific, like, lane of the porn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they, like, when you see- You are? I love that. I love when I see that she's broken. Me too. And she knows she doesn't have another option. This is 200 bucks, that's great for the day. Yeah. And I love, like, that when they look in the camera, like, I don't know what else to do. And then they go right back to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, isn't it funny that like, we look now with all that we know, you know, about everyone's a little more informed on healthy kind of behaviors and psychology. You hear that and you're like, this can't be a good thing to do to anybody. No. Weighing you in on Saturdays. A child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And would they give you very, you know, land?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, now this is one of our favorite things that Jessica has done ever. I'll just tell you this. It is a makeup tutorial. And we should just watch it. Just like, let's just watch it. Cause I think a lot of you watching could also learn something. Okay? Hi!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this thing is like, there's this thing that like stand up is so, it's actually so popular now, which is good. It's good for us, the ones who take it serious, like really do it, but some of like the collateral effect of that is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, because it's so popular, there's a lot of people who are like, I have fans. I know. I'll just do it. Yeah. And then they just show up and they- I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Now, you are now, you're married, you have four kids. What was your game like when you were single? Did you have a game?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wanna, I think you're perfect to weigh in on this lesbian's, uhm, she made a plea for how she wants to spit game, and then you tell me what you think of what she said. Okay. Be right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't really understand. I think she's making a plea to, it's either someone specific or a few people who she's had the experience where she's attracted. I think she's attracted to people who are friends of hers. And she's saying like, you know, why don't you fuck me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So all we know, yeaah, all we know is that this guy, this guy is recording himself approaching some official, uh, secure area where there's a security guard, there's a fence, and it appears to be he's actually gonna start by just asking a pretty standard question, and then it just takes a turn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we played this clip once just like in a rotation of like, here's all these crazy TikToks, right? And I'll play it for you and then explain to you what's happening. So it's this clip right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ever since we played that clip, like, we go to our shows and everyone's like, SUWU! Cause that's what this guy, like, all, all the shows, all of us. Yeaah. It's happening to her, me, it's happening to Josh Potter who worked, like, everyone is just SUWU, SUWU. But what happens is, that's a battle cry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, exactly. So I was saying we should do shirts with Seisuu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you bitch ass. You don't want no rec su woo, bitch ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care what anyone's background is, where they're from, that whole like, you're uhm, when you have, my favorite one is dangerous opinions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I'm trying to not be gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lot of, yeah, it's terrible. No, tell them I'll come over and just try to help them out. Just, I mean, just to be a nice guy.


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[Assistant] Do you know, are you Jewish? Are you Jewish? Are you fluid Jewishly? Are you gender fluid, meaning that your gender varies, you can move in and out, or do you identify as a female?


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[Assistant] Your marriage is good for you, it takes, it takes that, uh, that...


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[Assistant] Do you feel like that like, you mean that in the sense that like, are they okay being here with me?


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[Assistant] I don't know about the other men, but I'm like, this is- I gotta be the best one. Do you think the intimacy theory carries some weight? Because- Yea, 100%. I mean like, cause like I said I- To connect with somebody on a deeper level, then have sex, it might-


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[Assistant] Is lesbian porn, that's his favorite thing, which I think is unusual for, uh,


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[Assistant] Yeah, dicks are fun, that's the whole thing. This guy also doesn't like the cumshot in porn.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. But I want them to come, it's one of my life goals, you know.


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, so just a reminder to everybody, it looks like it's December 6th, Jessica Kirsten on Comedy Central. Whatever that Friday is. Talking to myself.


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[Assistant] Relatively saying, and I'll tell you this, I've said it for very few people, but 100% worth buying a ticket to. You will laugh your ass off. Go see her live. Get em now. Just gonna blow the fuck up. Yup, uh, thank you so much for coming today. Thanks guys, I'm so- I love it.


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[Assistant] It's him. He's Jamaican. The nicest guy in the world, you guys.


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[Assistant] When she goes, she called me and she's like, you have to be kidding. That is so funny. You want to sell your mother with a fart? There it is.


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[Assistant] Did you not want to take care of your mom? I'm like alright.


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[Assistant] What is this? It's nothing, it's fine. God damnit. Don't worry. Tom.


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[Assistant] And Jesus told me to go back to school so I'd be given the authority to not prescribe. If I want. So uh, guys don't be afraid. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.


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[Assistant] Anyway, uh, we haven't talked, uh, I think since Saturday, and tonight I'm looking at Lily's in Union Square.


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[Assistant] Did they have those toilets where, is it a sit down style or is there a hole and you squat? It's tabos. They literally have tabos.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


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[Assistant] It's a giant Saturday show all Saturday. I understand nothing that's happening. There's a clown, there's penguins, there's a song. What's happening? It's the best show. Everybody's cheering. That guy is hilarious. That guy's like 87. I know.


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[Assistant] What's that guys? Don Francisco.


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[Assistant] Now, hit that, see where it says on the right there, presented by, on the, scroll down, see presented by, on the right, hit him.


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[Assistant] No, it's not. It's got a lot of flaws, but I need to work on it, which makes me think I might try to do something Spanish.


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[Assistant] For the gringos y gringas ahi, they think I do, you know. The gringos think it's good. Yea, yea, of course. But I mean, it's the natives that you gotta be able to...


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[Assistant] Dialect or whatever? Yeah, I think the dialect that I'm most comfortable with for sure is- Is Peruvian? Yeah, Latin American Spanish. It's different.


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[Assistant] The accent's different, the slang's different, the, you know, but I mean, you can definitely understand anybody who's also speaking Spanish, right?


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[Assistant] Perfect. I will be telling you some jokes. Perfect. In November.


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[Assistant] You know this thing is really funny too, in like Latin America, for, uh, nicknames? They, uh, they just call everybody who's Asian, Chino. Really? Everybody. And if you're like, yea that guy's Korean, they're like, right, Chino. Like Chinese, for Chinese. Chinese is... That's interesting.


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[Assistant] Ponticement is a, is a much more aggressive and disrespectful way.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, it might be, uh, not, it might not represent.


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[Assistant] I'm not changing. Yeah, no, it'd be funny in a Spanish speaking country to be like, actually I'm Filipino. They'd be like, hm, you're Chino, for sure. They'd just tell you. That's what we call you.


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[Assistant] Alright, let's get to the show, let's open the show.


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[Assistant] I know. Our son, in the car today, he's like, I wanna listen to, uh, I go, what? I was thinking he's gonna say, he goes, no more, no more, no more.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. This is a pretty nice guy, right?


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[Assistant] That's how he starts his morning. This is a morning too. This guy's like, I'm gonna take my dog for a walk, start some shit with this security guy.


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[Assistant] That people like this are walking around everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere you go, there's a guy like that who you think is just like, oh, it's just a guy walking his dog. No? Nope. He wants to come up to you and be like, what's your fucking problem, fuckface? That guy's just walking around.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I would definitely add this to the Drew list, but I'm going with a combination of the two. I think it's mental illness exacerbated by alcohol and drugs.


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[Assistant] Like, you know, unless it's spring break, you're on vacation, like this daily morning drinker type, I gotta tell you, you're a piece of shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, sure, but like, I'm on flights, you know, person next to you, four bloody Marys, or, you know, 6am flights where the guy's like, you know, they go like, do anything, I go, you know, just water, maybe you want coffee, and the guy's like, he's done it.


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[Assistant] You know, he's, he's got, he's, he might be, uh, borderline, he might be like, you know, he likes confrontation. He's got a behavioral issue.


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[Assistant] That dude is not playing, and by the way. He's not playing games. I do not doubt his dedication to the cause. No.


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[Assistant] That was the one where he goes, oh, he poured the coffee. He goes, I wish there's coffee.


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[Assistant] No, yeaah, it's not your fault. Uh, that would definitely be on him for spitting in a pan at work.


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[Assistant] Maybe, could you get him to promise not to do that?


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[Assistant] How often, cause I don't know, how often does she post that, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] Best to, uh, to both of them. Uhm, and yeaah, I hope somebody hires 95 pigeons. How was it? Did you ride the choo-choo train? I did!


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[Assistant] It's really, it's not that much different. It used to be different when we didn't have kids. When we didn't have kids and you left town, I would feel like this very bizarre,


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[Assistant] I would not, and then you'd come home and I'd be like, oh, it's time to kind of behave like an adult. Yeah, yeah. It's different when you have kids now, you know? Uhm, I mean, I definitely watched a bunch of serial killer shit. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I mean I thought a brief, like a brief in out in out might make you be like, oh I feel better now. You know? Thanks. I mean I don't know, I still don't understand how it's a problem.


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[Assistant] That is different. Aggressively. That is different. She's my girl. I hang more with Bitsy. Yeah. I bond with her more when you're gone. Because it is just us. Right? When you're there, Bitsy's there, and we spend time, but when you're gone...


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[Assistant] I don't know. Means whatever happens, happens.


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[Assistant] Very good looking girls. I was wearing my, uh, my Saudi Arab hat.


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[Assistant] And, uh, you saw Whitney Cummings spotted me. She did, she lives just down the street. And she was like, hey, that's a really hot hat you have on. And I was like, thanks. And then she was like, oh my god, I didn't realize it was you. I thought it was like this hot guy wearing this cool hat. There it is.


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[Assistant] And then as soon as she walked away, I was like, leave me alone. I'm trying to work out these two other girls. They were like, you look pretty hot. Are you alone? Are you walking alone? I was like, I mean, I guess.


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[Assistant] Then they followed me and they showed me their tits. I was like, get out of here!


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[Assistant] No, then they, no. These, no? I'm not gonna drop down five inches.


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[Assistant] No, that's a whole, that's a whole new world. It's a life of change.


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[Assistant] No, it doesn't work like that. You have to have that super loose roast beef.


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[Assistant] You would, you'd have your super loose vag. Yeah. And then you'd be like, all these guys, you'd be like, oh, I could have all these options, look at all these guys. That's the problem. And then there'd be like three of them in you at the same time, and they're like, we still can't feel it.


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[Assistant] One, you can kind of be like, alright, but two, there's not that much to work with.


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[Assistant] I'm just going to stick with how I am. Yeah, I'll just deal with it.


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[Assistant] Two's a lot. Two's a lot dude. Two, let's see. I mean maybe not for any though. Here we go. So this is, this is one inch right here.


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[Assistant] So you got, let's see, that's basically like two inches bro.


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[Assistant] I don't think so, I think I would just be like, you know, I would just be who I am, and if someone doesn't like it, I would just be like, You know?


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[Assistant] Trains make me nervous. Not riding a train. Because I don't ride them regularly. It's the boarding. Like I actually, I went up to a guy at Penn Station.