[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's your living situation, tiny communal pool, maid service, or it's an RV. You live like, like I did on road rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Road rules life. RV. Now keep in mind the RV, yes, you can park in RV parks. You can't really park an RV just anywhere. Don't think you can. And if you take a shit in that RV, you have to unload the sewage system in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it still stinks and it cooks in the summertime and shit. I mean maybe now it's better but back in the 90s that's how it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, I'm making the Courtyard Marriott more appealing. You can live at any Courtyard Marriott location.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as you know, the locations are generally across from like a nice Chili's or maybe down the street a mile from a red lobster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, in front of it, it's usually on a busy highway, the views are of parking lots, things like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's fascinating because airplanes, they have to unload the septic tank too after every flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't. You can't have five guys constantly shitting on your tour bus. Forget it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See now here's the other thing with the RV park that, or the RV that you don't, maybe not think about as a professional, I've lived on one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're not, you're not parking your trailer necessarily in, just in front of any residential street. Cause someone will call the cops. You have to go to RV parks to plug in, to get your amenity, to shower, you know? Now RV parks sometimes are not that nice. You're, you're amongst special different people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, of course. Yeah. Not LA. So anywhere that's not LA, who knows what the situation will be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean in your preparation for today's Shit on Christina episode there wasn't a supercut made?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you kindly offered me an autographed copy of, uh, Mostly Stories. Thank you for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A present? Hey, do you wanna hear my new foreign voicemail? Is there any way we could listen to it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can't, they can't transcribe it, Apple. That's fine. It's the top one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got a brand new, looks like I have a brand new, uh, Salome. Cause we lost her, Salome's gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so but now I've got a new one which is kind of exciting and I hope


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that camping fantasy is top on the you- you porn stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy. That is the saddest thing I've ever seen. Ah, really? I thought it was so joyful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Men use their intellect to create things to make them come. That's how the internet was developed. It's just, I need to come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many? But what's the price tag? I mean that's gotta cost like 10 grand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause my, my thinking is, if you can pay for that, why not just pay for an actual woman to do that for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's a service that needs to happen. There needs to be an app and you can order the machine to be delivered and then taken away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, for once in, in my life, being an asshole really paid off and I'll show you why. See, my wonderful demeanor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've saved lives as it says here. Mommy Tina saved my life. Please. Yep. Yep. My dearest mommies. Nothing but love tea buns. But this email is about how my main mommy Christina saved my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But a comment was made that if you are 400 pounds, you either need to get your life...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That opinion quickly changed. After a good night's sleep, I couldn't shake her words and decided for the first time in my life, I was going to make a positive decision. I decided that I didn't want to be one of these fat fucks that needs to be forklifted out of their home after a series of heart attacks and decided to actually do something about it. That morning, I joined a weight loss program for men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huge shout out to Harvey Brooker in Toronto there. Couldn't have done it without you. Started to take my diet seriously and got off my ass and started working out. At the time of this email,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am pleased to say that I am now down 100 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say, because I help people, I have the better personality. I'm definitely a personality champ. That's deep, bro, it's nothing but helping people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, we never brought up the glass and champ discussion, but I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm definitely way more observant than you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I care for a toddler a lot and I pick up on what he needs. He can't talk. I'd say I'm very sensitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, look at you. All of a sudden I'm a stay at home dad for two whole days and I'm the mom champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's weird to see him out in public. I didn't think he did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he evolves. He's an artist. He changes. You can't expect him to stay the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for whoever came out to see me and uhm, thank you to those who will come out to see me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazon, please do your shopping using our banner. Go to yourmomshousepodcast.com, click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage, do your shopping as you normally would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check out that steep road too, if you're so inclined. I actually am very nice on that show and help people with their lives, help people get their lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Give me an accent, where is it master? That makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about queef? What's the Japanese word for that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] September 22nd and 23rd, I'm in St. Louis Tits, Missouri at Helium Comedy Club. Or should I say, Herium as Kim Anne would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] October 3rd, Nashville, Tennessee at Zany's Comedy Club. October 4th, in Charlotte, North Carolina at the Comedy Zone. And then October 8th, we're doing Your Mom's House Live in Spermvine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and tickets for my shows are on ThousandRanch.com or you can go to ChristinaPOnline.com. Both of those URLs go to the same place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing a little image overhaul before my special comes out. Making the change to Christina P.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be soon. I can't announce it yet, it's so annoying. Hopefully soon we can make a formal announcement, but it's coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we, we went on a little, uh, three day vacation with little jeans, just local here, and we couldn't get her out of our hearts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Moose Soup Lady came with us and we had to play her drop. We had, we listened to our own show just to hear the drop. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the best part is that, cause you did the job of, you guys are doing good, but you cut out the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now to hear the fuck, you guys are doing good, it's even, it's even more trashy, it's even better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nothing like that, guys, who... I don't like him. I don't like him as much as I like the moose soup lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a dog. Like they can't refuse a treat, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just, I should have just spit that out, but I don't have anywhere to put it. I could have put it in my hand in my pocket and then put it in my pocket. I've done that before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it must be on an evolutionary, biological level, and there's a reason our bodies produce pheromones and different smells into some people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So he's found his ideal mate perhaps, uh, to who makes that smell and they're going to reproduce and make other children who stink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Ma, I-I mean, I-I chal- Okay, let's put the call out. Are there any ladies out there who love the smell of a ripe guy ass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like we, it's like our revelation of shits push the farts out, not farts push the shit out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well my mother gave me that wisdom and farts pushed the shit out and that's all I heard growing up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's another one that you and I have been talking about this last week together is that it's the shit that pushes the farts out and it just kinda blew my mind too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda blew it. Well there are, you know what, uh, I guess it's people's body smells you, you like. It's that person's pheromones mixed in with whatever. He must really be into this girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've also been repulsed by the way strangers smell. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Just like their body smells, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now boners. Well, cause Patchouli, growing up, I mean growing up, when I went to San Francisco for college,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is something that I talk about a lot on this show and the importance of shit to shower or getting a bidet of some sort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never. No. No. Do you smell your own butt a lot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? You talking about your appearance last night? That's what I was bringing up. Okay, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're right, I think some mommies were in the audience cause they laughed at top dog stuff too. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You talk about top dog, you talk about little jeans and me and, uh, weight loss and weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look great. Conan, and how funny is Andy too, I love him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's pretty similar. You think so? It could be, yeaah, it could pass for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. And the voice is an older gentleman, like that's a thing, he sounds like 50 press. Or 60 press. And if you're using one of those, you're probably not 60 or 50 press woman. What do you wanna hear though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know why it needs the voice. It's a little weird. I mean, I'm sure somebody out there is like, that's perfect for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially since last time we learned that he likes lacy bras, which is disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think I'd want my vibrator to talk about anything. Why does it have to have any kind of conversation with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, me too. Be really distracting. Like, why is this guy telling me this stuff? Like, you don't say that in real life to somebody like, oh, your breasts are so full.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And w-wow, your touch is so soft. Like, I don't know, I don't really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If guys said that to me in real life, I'd be like, what? Why are you talking like my dad, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, so we went away on our, our little mini vacay with our little jeans, just the three of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I noticed a phenomenon amongst the couples, which we've been talking about this a lot on the show, is the shut it down look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for dads, the shut it down is generally, I mean, what would you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shut it down, dad, as the white, uhm, New Balance sneakers. I'm talkin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, khakis or maybe some light colored denim with some brown braided belt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then for the women, I think motherhood can shut us down. And that's when the ladies cut their hair off or let it go gray. And then there's like, uh, culottes and samples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, that's the whole point. The struggle is real though, you really do have to fight to maintain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your sexuality and your sex appeal to your spouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I saw the saddest guy, you were in the coffee place and I was pushing LJ around. And there was like this attractive late 30s gentleman, gentleman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was dressed like cool, like he still had like shorts on, he was, he had his beard trimmed, like he looked youthful, and the wife had totally shut it down. Like she had short hair like you, and it was all grey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she- All gray? Grayed out, and then like, kinda dressed like you right now, like a polo shirt, and then like, khaki shorts, and then the Jesus sandals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you could just see like the sadness in his eyes, like, you know, he was looking at like other women walk by, like, oh, that's what a woman, I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's the shut it down phenomenon where only one person shuts it down. And then the other person, like, is really well maintained. So like, what's going on there when one person- There's a couple things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well one time you and I were in the Bahamas somewhere and we saw this couple and the dude was like ripped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And totally ripped. I had the six pack abs. Totally looking good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she was very large, yea. Yea, and she was like, Owen! Owen!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll never forget it cause she was sitting like in the shallows of the ocean and the waves kept like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pushing her inland and she was kind of riding those waves cause she couldn't stand up. It was like too hard for her. Yeaah, she was huge man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, I'll never forget the image of him pulling, like pulling her up. And I thought, wow, what's happening? Like what? Do you think this was a slow progression? And he was like, I'm not going with you on this journey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I thought this was very thought provoking and I always want to bring these emails to your attention and to the collective consciousness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it sounded like a queef. This raised the question, why is it called a queef? Queef doesn't really fit. My wife's suggestion was a fussy, a farting pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I think it should be called blower, cause it just sounds like air. We all enjoy, or we will enjoy our moose soup while waiting for the answer. Keep it high and tight, Hitlers, Eric and Misty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but a fart can sound like a queef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still, it is called a fart, yes, but then it got them to thinking, cause it sounded like a queef, not a fart. I understand that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no no no, so he, that's not the question. The question is, why is a queef called a queef? Not what is a fart that sounds like a queef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like why is it called that? I mean I have a theory, I was thinking about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fanny. Quim. Alright, or a fanny, a fanny fart, but quim, right? So maybe it's something to do with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's right in that. It's not a logical...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deduction. It doesn't make sense. Why the queef? It should be called a p- a puff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go, and interestingly in 1686, although less frequently than previous definition, quiffing meant sexual intercourse, especially


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's one of those words that you will find, like for instance, scumbag. Did you know that it's because condoms were called scum? You fill it with scum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so, uh, we were talking a lot about twin dicks. And if twins that are identical have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hi. Hey, Hitlers. I work with a set of paternal twins. What are paternal twins? Is that correct?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other day, we were discussing podcasts and I brought up your very scientific question. Do twins have identical penis? Well, it turns out in my cowork- out in my coworkers have conducted an in depth comparison. In their case, they do in fact have identical penises.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Same size, same shape, same everything. Right down to the curvature. So even though they're not identical, their penises are. So yes, this is fraternal twins. I thought you would like to know this piece of information in your quest for truth. Keep it high and tight, James. Oh my god, you guys are so disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And moving on to our blind series of questions. Yes. We've been asking a lot of questions about the blind. Can they wipe? How do they know when they're done wiping? Uh, and this is an interesting one too. Hey Mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know this could seem like an obvious question,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fascinating. I never knew this. I never knew all this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go with smell. Uh, because a smell can wake you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uhm, well, we have those, those misters in our room, whatever. Oh, so like one of those goes off? Good smell machines, what we have. You put something in there. I mean, you know how you wake up to somebody cooking breakfast downstairs? I don't know why they can't make an alarm clock. No, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, she felt the vibrations. Oh, so yeaah, so vibrations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, well this is crazy because does the non-binary community completely eschew the Mr. and Mrs. distinction because they're non-binary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your pronoun? But I guess they're trying to say is like, are you trying to, to denote whether this person's, uh, married, Zimzar? You know what I'm saying? That's what I'm saying, yeaah. That's the question. It's a good question. It's a good question. So then how do you, how do you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's silly to presume that 20 years in the past, people had the forethought of being transphobic. Like it just was, like back then guys, that's just how people were. And it was a funny fucking sketch. Everybody loved that character, Pat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, how they would prefer. Now here's a problem with a they, however, as a pronoun is that it denotes a plural, right? It's not a singular person. They are, it's problematic. I'm not sure that they is still the best pronoun for, for this. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, they were actually, everybody was trying to be respectful of Pat's pronouns. They didn't want to hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I was watching on Netflix, uh, fucking Police Academy, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it turns out all the underdogs of society are actually the heroes in that movie. If you think about it, it's Hightower, it's Officer Jones with the timid little voice, that they always get the punchlines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're always goofing on the white commandant and the white male characters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when you watch it again, you go, oh, this isn't really that offensive. Like, I mean, there is one thing where Steve Gutenberg tells the spy, the spy for the commandant, he goes, what are you guys partying this weekend? He goes, oh yeah, come to the Blue Oyster Bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what the problem is? It's not that people are offended, it's that we're rewarding people for being offended over whore shit like this. The fact that the media, anyone's applauding this, this, this nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you applauding? What are you talking about? This is rubbish. It's not a story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. It was meant to have the social ripples. Come on, man. Of the non-binary stuff, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they curse a lot more and they're way harsher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you're so stinky, you're so fucking gross. And then roll down the windows in the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had, I took a fish oil pill, like a week ago, for our cholesterol, and then I burped an hour later and it smelled like salmon in my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just burped and I burped up broccoli. I made broccoli for both of us today and you gave me a stellar review of my cooking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't, no, you didn't say good at the time. You go, no, it doesn't taste like shit. And I was like, wow, what a stellar review of your cooking. Thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the only person to lose that game. No, no, no. No, no, no. Sydney Castillo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that's the truth of what you're saying. Sorry, I don't, I mean, you know, but, you know, when you grow up in something that's so bananas, which your, your life story is so bananas, you don't know at the time that it's nutty until you grow up and you start raising your own children, I'm assuming. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom used to fry up cow brains all the time and give it to me. That's a Hungarian thing. And I was like, what the fuck is this? And she told me, I was like, never again. But that was, that was cheap, I guess, cow brains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what I think is really wonderful about your book, and I think why people are going to be drawn to it, it's because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, why people, black people, whatever people, uhm, is that you always like to read other people's fucked up shit, first of all. Because then you can go, oh my god, at least my shit wasn't that fucked up. But also to go, hey, other people's shit is fucked up. And the fact of it is, more people have fucked up lives than have good lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, cause I do another podcast called That's Deeper, where I talk about my life and people writing in are like, oh my god, I didn't know anyone else had the same shit that you had growing up. And that's why this stuff like this is so valuable. Not only is it funny, but they get to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Know somebody, you, who has transcended this past and look at you now like you have a great family, you're successful, you're a great comedian, like to see you on the other side of it I think is really cool too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna rub. Yeaah. So. Just want your opinion on something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He's trying to make it go. Maybe. But he's just like a dude that likes to drag off a lot. And now he's turning it into like a thing. Like I'm a guru.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I fix her mic? It's killing me. Yeah, what's going on? Just the visual part. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanna see her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you have to be a real fuckin' savage woman. The average woman's like, not wired this way, I would say. What do you think, Ashley?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder do the women have on clothes up under there? They do. So, cause I, yes, they do. And a lot of them are wearing like Chanel and Dior and they're very wealthy, like some of these Saudi ladies, but then they have to cover it out in public, but then they know amongst themselves, the whole culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, let's start there. Is there ever a time when it's okay for a white person to drop the N-bomb? Like, let's say they hang out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the whole thing. So Ashley said, if you can hear her, that she's dating a black guy. This is the white lady we played last week who's dropping n-bombs and Ashley says she's dating a black guy so she feels like she can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now do you think she's ever, that's probably why she's talking shit like this, cause she's never had a fight, like she's never had her ass beat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so okay, so, this is the debate, is like, she culturally, that's like, uh, Rachel Dolezal, that whole bag of worms, okay, culturally she identifies this way, but is it ever okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Alabama. I heard Atlanta, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, he was a rapper too, and he always had wisdom, he was talking about... Common? I mean, I mean, on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're talking about Safir? You're talking about Safir? Oh god. You're talking about Plat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you a question about prison real quick? Yeah. Was it at all like orange is the new black?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, how about the shower situation? I'm not talking about getting raped in the shower. I'm talking about like, there's no doors on the stalls in that show, and it seems like you had to go shower at like 5 in the morning so that people don't fuck with you. Was it like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's wrong? Maybe it's Bigfoot. What if it were Bigfoot, would that be okay? I don't care who it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think about it constantly how fucked up most of humanity is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eliyahu Aryeh, it means, Aryeh means a lion in Hebrew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. It was great. It was great. You had great hair. Yeaah, I remember that. I see people now with that bushy fu- you know. Yeaah. Ball and I'm like, god damn. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] David in English and in Hebrew, it's Ari. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but Chapelles are like, I don't know why they did it like that. They're unrelated completely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Start number two. Start number two, take a break. Unreal man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had, I did a cap city and, um, I changed clothing. I finished it. Thank you. Good night. And then they clapped and I was like, Hey, don't go anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I got like a shit load left. And then I changed clothes on stage. And you changed the set at all? Changed the set, uh, we left, cause I wanted to have a similar look, so I changed it to like the lighting, so it's this like, distressed wood background, and I changed the back lighting, and the, and the foreground lighting. I flipped them, for the second one. And then I changed my clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, half of it's about uh, children, my feelings of it. Sorry you guys, your kid's cute, but it's just not for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the other thing is about adulthood. So it's, it's just, I give it up for kids a little bit. I understand small parts of them, but then the other side is like a life where you really just can't have if you, if you have like a wife and kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually lived most of my life to, you said it once where it's like, Oh man, I wish I could do that. I think it was, I moved to New York, like I wish I could do that. I'm like, why don't you? You're like, I'm married and I was like, Oh yeah. Hmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they also gave charity. Yeah, but they killed somebody. I know, but the charity still works. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you leave a bunch of food in a bowl and then just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my sister wears a wig all the time. My mom would generally wear like a hat, except like high holidays, and then she'd wear a wig and a hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's been dyeing her hair for so long. I think she's gray naturally. Is that possible? No, yeah, I think she's blonde. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, there's nothing useful. I don't know why there's no good subway system. I know why. It's the cabs and their unions who want to allow the subway to go all the way there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think it's more recent, where I was like, for a while I was like, of course I'll have kids, that's what you're supposed to do. 20 to like, and then I lost my religion, and then it was like, and then I moved out here, 25.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It dates back to a thing. It took me like a year to like ponder in my head until I realized like, oh. But you really did ponder for a while then. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At first I was agnostic where I was like, I don't know, I was sleeping in a dorm in Yeshiva in Israel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, we had a light bulb over the beds for reading. And uhm, you could like twist it up. I remember this. See, this is the story. You could put a cup on top of it to drown out the light. So I was like, cool, I can sleep. But then the cup kept like sliding off because it's like circular frame to it. And it just kept sliding off and I was like, maybe I'll just turn the light off. But my, my door was like, my window was like right by the entrance to the, to the dorm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So drowning it out is okay. It's still on. You're not changing the spark. Uh, this is such weird shit, but like, uh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I thought about it later, where it's like, who am I worried about getting caught by?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if I really believe in God who didn't want me to do that, then I would say it wouldn't even be a question if you don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, why am I questioning it? And it finally came to like, I don't think I believe in God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. I love when a good comic like that just centers on something. You ever see Colin Quinn's, like, uh, tongue in cheek, like, super conservative tweets? Yeah, they're so funny. His twitter account never lets in. I'm joking. Never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, every time I mention it, people are like, oh, Christina. I'm like, oh yeah, I guess we do have a bond.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the best, you go straight to the shower. You save money on toilet paper, first of all. That's beside the point, but it is a definite thing. Uh, second of all, it's the cleanest you can get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe the first time was kind of like my epiphany with Judaism, where it was just like, it just sort of happens, you know? I had no toilet paper, I looked under the sink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I did, yeaah. I think it was in my old place on Sunset. And I looked under the sink and I was like, nah, I'm like, fuck, what am I going to do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it hit me. Straight to shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you get like greasy, greasy leak or just like solid brown?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clean as a whistle. And there's a dryer. Caparulo explained this to me once about wet wiping, as opposed to dry wiping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Water is great. He said, he's, I was like, no, I just use toilet paper. It was back then. And he goes, oh no, you can't just use toilet paper. And he was like, look, and he took some, a little bit of Coca-Cola and put it on my table. And then he goes, okay, let that sit for a minute. I wipe it up with a dry towel and now feel the table. I'm like, yeah, a little sticky. He goes, yeah, a little sticky. He's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not through my whole trip in Southeast Asia. When I got back like the second day it was full blood again. No. Drippers. Really? Let's talk about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's an internal hemorrhoid. I have to ask the doctor. He was like, you're good. That blood's too dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But without the, uh, the uhm, what's it called? The spray? So it's just a stream. And you put that into your butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there's nothing there. Yeah, maybe. But they'd have to like, they couldn't go like halfway. I wonder how close I am. Right, right. Like you look at toilet paper when you're out, when you don't have a shower. You look at it, you're like, okay, I'm about halfway there. You look at it again, like three quarters of the way there. Yeah, that's true. You don't just keep going until like, this feels dry. Oh, I've been way done. Right, right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Oh, so I got this for you. I was hiking in Griffith Park with uh, Ryan O'Neill. And uh, I mean, 10 minutes. Griffith Park, somewhere. Just walking around? We were hiking. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, what do you, what? What do you mean? No, don't do this. And I was like, yeah, I have to. Did it have the sports top? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You learn to lean backwards. There's also a pull your jeans forward. Let me, uh, yeah, demonstrate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The issue is, you see my balls, right Tom? Oh god. The touching the toilet is a real issue. You have big balls. I have big long balls. So that's an issue, but I was on a hill in Griffith Park, no big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some dried leaves definitely touched. Yeah. Uh, didn't care for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up with uhm, Tantan, your balls are so big. So big. So then I poured water on my hands, immediately as it's wet, took it to the butt, and kind of wiped. Oh, you took, you did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was forced by Ryan to wipe my hands in dirt afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. Okay, so it's not like your thing I'm saying. I don't mind it. It's kind of nice actually, but it's not like I need that. It's not like you need it. No, not at all. You?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said I could have surgery and he said it's not worth it. He's like it might not work and it's just like invasive. Have you ever seen Juclam?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was in cap city. Oh, I just gotta re-put that video out to promote my special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, after I shit, it's like, I mean, you really gotta see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been trying to push out of shit for like the last like three, four straight minutes, and I thought that's what it was, that shit was halfway out of my butt, so I was trying to show you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no. I thought there was a piece of shit coming out of my butt and I was trying to show you that. Like, be the most disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To wipe it? It's fine. It's pretty tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it on? Is it? We gotta go to what's not on YouTube. I think like Liveleak or something. Okay. I don't know if I... Uncensored? Uncensored Juclam? Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta, I gotta bleach some punch drunk, uh, last week. Oh, I saw that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I've seen it before, after, it just seemed like the parts that he didn't bleach were just darker. Didn't look like it was lighter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever, before you got that, did you ever, uhm, wipe, say, okay, I think I'm good, then go out, then go, oh, I think I'm, I think I gotta go back to wipe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, are you going back soon? Yea, I'm going back on, uh, I'm going back on Saturday. Just kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does she say anything anti-semitic or anything Hitler-like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My daniac's on a shrimp scampi boat and getting turned into like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeaah, yeaah. You know, Hitler could only get, uh, hard if you shit on his chest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Would you rather only eat lasagna for the rest of your life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or never have to, never be able to eat anything with meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, one day, one day, one meal a day, had to be Lagonda for the rest of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but you don't get to like have another thing later. You have to eat it. You have to fill up on it. Okay. You know, it's a, it's a be the full meal or you're a vegetarian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, I didn't really think of when I said it. I do love meat, but lasagna every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I would get real sick of lasagna and I'd start to go crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way I pictured it was the same exact recipe of lasagna, like when you said you make a thing of lasagna and keep eating it, imagine like a 50 mile long one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that commercial? When you were little? I thought that! Don't throw me away! Do you remember that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I posted with Adam Westide. Yeaah. I had this contract with my fans. As soon as possible, I will shit on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As soon as I hear about it, I will try to come up with a funny tweet shitting on them. Not respecting their death. So for Adam West, cause I didn't really have any problems at all with Adam West, I was like uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sort of tainted from the jerk off? It is, it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if I could get the final cut before, it'd be a nice moment with my, with my, with my papa or my sabba. But then afterwards it'd be like nothing to wash down that bad feeling. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I can imagine my sabba going, I survived the holocaust for this, from a fellow, would you rather, from Christina Topp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if I, I don't want to go down that road. Right. You know, and then be like, start joking off the cartoons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, is it now, or is he still alive? They're both dead. Yeah. We're assuming they're still alive. He's alive, yeah, yeah. I'm not digging up his corpse. But he's old, and he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, if you're an adolescent, if you're, if you're 17, you're going to come quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So why did you choose to do a double special?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The retarded comedian. Now, my intellect wouldn't be there to write the bits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would get a bunch of women who would like, were already looked at me and were like, whatever, but not enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't like retarded, and I fucked some gross people before. This would be way more damaging, but I wasn't that close with Papa or Saba.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would take a while. One time I tried to jerk off in front of two guys in the La Jolla Comedy Store, the condo. Uhm, I tried to work it up like real hard in the other room, and then come out and like, jizz in front of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeaah, when I came out and realized how ridiculous it was, I was about to come and then it was like, oh no, you got 5 more minutes now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. I'm gonna go grandfather jerking me off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it would be rough. It would take a while. It would definitely damage me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should really be called, would you- least rather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, you mean like Jewish celebration? Yeah. Passive is more like a family thing. Yeah, Hanukkah. Hanukkah. When's your family?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drink the blood. Say your prayer. Uhm, you know. There is one drop of Jewish, non-Jewish baby blood in the matzah recipe, if that's what you're referring to. One drop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happy Pesach. Happy Pesach. Pesach, yeaah, that's the, that's the, uh, or, or, uh, kadyantuv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's so many different people in the family. So like, when my mom and dad were most disappointed with me, versus like, I could explain to the nephews, if I was just masturbating, my sisters could be like, okay, you're going to have to learn this eventually. Yeah. What Ari was doing was called masturbation. Uh, you'll do it when you get a little older.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I'm picturing me when I was growing up. Maybe when I'm like 22. No one has kids yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's all adults. Okay. Uh, can I say a problem with this? Go ahead. You can't use a DVD player on, on YouTube, so it would be... Okay, here we go. As soon as I'm like, I gotta put this DVD in, they'll be like, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you're thinking about afterwards how to deal with it. You're also thinking about if no one was there, which I don't want to have homeless people jizzing on me. Like it's not just about the reaction, it's also like this is happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, right. Oh yeaah. But I mean like, the homeless people jizzing on you and squirting on you, that could be a, would you rather, if the family's not even involved, cause it's not even a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, for sure, I'm saying it's a bad thing, but masturbation without my family is no big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Though it's a more normal thing, like obviously you know intellectually that I do this when you're not around. Right. And now the, oh man, let's tell it that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I'm talking through, I might've just switched. I was going to go get, get jizzed on, but I think maybe now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other way, it's like we're asking homeless people to please stop. Yea, and they did it. Alright, get away from them, but I'm on the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that, but there would be that conversation of like, are you masturbating? Why'd you do that in front of us? But this like, dude, what are you into?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm masturbated in their house while they were there when I was an orthodox Jew. Right. Countless times. Were you supposed to not do that? Oh, for sure not. There's no religion in the world that I know of except, no, even that, that allows it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Orthodox Jewish. They are. Yeah. They have gotten to the point where if we're out, my dad's like, if you want to get a burger, you can get a burger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They like my success. They don't like the way I've achieved it. Like when I took my dick out on HBO, my mom's like, why do you have to tell people to watch? You're going to be on TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, why? I'm like, mom, you shouldn't watch this stuff. It's, it's exactly not for you. Will they watch the special? Oh yeaah. They will. Yeaah. They got Comedy Central before, they got cable just so they could watch me. Really? Yeaah, they're proud of me. I asked my aunt once, I was doing some joke about like herpes at the DC Improv. Yeaah. And they were there and then they left right afterwards. Uh, and I was like, what are they?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do they feel about that? She goes, I think they just assumed you were joking about like the setup and this payoff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not having it, uh, fucking, excuse me, making love to a woman, sorry Christina, making love to a woman who had herpes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom hasn't gotten her period since before Obama for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Count one, two, like popcorn when it pops, and you're like three seconds, you go one, two, pop. Okay, start again. One, two, three, pop. One, two, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you get seven clean days. No spotting. Everything you get a spot starts over. When you get seven clean days in you, go to the Mikva Ritual Bath. You can also use a lake or ocean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's got plenty of water in there, natural water. But not like a pool, it's gotta be like a natural, it's gotta be rain water coming in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the next day you go to the mikvah, 13, and now you're, you haven't fucked your husband in 13, 14 days, and you're at your most fertile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel bad. Last time I went home. So you say the grace after meals. Um, there's this, if you have three or more men above 13, there's an extra prayer you say, and one person says that everyone like joins in. So you say like, it's in Hebrew, but you say like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it? I, I think it's the homeless people. Yeah. Yeah. You guys too? Yes. No, I think I chose the other one. I chose doing it myself. He's got good parents. I could tell that afterwards with the homeless people, like I wasn't into that. Right, right, right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In terms of like her feelings, the woman you love, like this will be easier for you. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would just spell like fief mint. I have a serious one for you guys. Serious would you rather? Would you rather?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never do stand up ever again or split up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I mean, a lot of people don't know, comedians, this is who we are at the core. So like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're done. You're, you're, you're nice to each other. Maybe you fuck once a year. Um, split the custody. How's things going with you? Like when you drop them off? The kid's fine. He sees both the parents. You guys are both amicable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do you want to go on this fucking- February what? Trip. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he was trying to spin the thing. Cause even when he took his shirt off for that thing and weighed himself as non-obese, he still looked obese as fuck. You mean at the actual weigh-in. Yea January 3rd I guess that's when it was. That's the day I left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. What do you think he looked like? You think he looked? Well, he doesn't look like a fucking workout guy. Right. But he said. He definitely cut weight for the weigh in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His belly, it's like his face doesn't look much different than he did way before. His belly is just so gross and like we were talking, we saw in the back, it's pushed out where it's a hard...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he lost weight, you should have that fold over thing a little bit. A little bit, right. Do you feel like, cause he was saying... I mean, I'd like to get him back on a scale. Maybe I will during, uh, is he going to Skankfest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe, I can't believe after asking for the fucking measurement, when you were well over an inch shorter than you said you were, there was no- I said I was six feet. You said you were six one. I didn't say six one. You always said six one. He said he was six one, which turned out to be- Also not true? Yes. So then they had to do new BMIs. Yes. But you guys both made it anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't know, we don't know. We just look at him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I have this new feature on my phone that if I move slightly it'll just answer in my pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit, also fun, but also like, I'm all about competition. So I'm like, I want the exact measurement, which was like, they easily did it. I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, slow down, slow down. You got it by, by the way, after your new weight, your new height of five something. Unbelievable, unbelievable this guy. You were .15 of an inch above obese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] August on man, I'm freeeee. I have a pretty busy fall, that's my hope. Let me ask you a question. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about in November, me and Burt will be in New Orleans to go on that Joker's cruise. We'll be launching from there. So maybe something, is November football season? A Saints game?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be good. You're a huge cultural ball fan. Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] End of, oh right, that's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do it. We could do that. Who's your team? FSU. They have no chance next year or they do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, if they win that, yeaah, they'll be in the conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, that'd be good. I, I, I didn't, I like the idea of going to, uh, to, uhm, Barcelona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, yeah, that would have been fun. It would have been fun, man. But anyways, by the way, I had my plan set up because you're like, oh, I fly first class and I'm like, you know what? It is your flight. That's fine. And I was already had it set. Like you're flying first class and Bert and I are in the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, when is it? January 31st? January 8th. January 8th? Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's do it. I'll, I'll, I'll not schedule anything ahead of time now. Cause we'll probably go for like the weekend. You got to go for a couple of days. You don't want to just land and go to the championship game, but yeah, we'll go for a couple of days. Even if we go Sunday and then stay Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Something. Yeah. Oh, too bad it's there. Cause we could be like go fishing or something. Whatever. We can figure it out. So much to do. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah, that'll be great. Okay. Nice. I hope I kill myself before that so I don't have to actually pay it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What can I tell you, maybe a retort to that? I take my shirt off constantly. Around Manhattan, anywhere I see sun, I'm just, shirt's off. Sun's out, guns out, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I have my shirt off, especially after I got back, people are like, oh man, you're so thin, did you lose weight? Right. And with him they're saying, did you gain weight?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, I would have loved if you played one time back and then re-did the BMI and Rogan would have to go, oh fuck. The booze thing. The booze!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was gaining weight when I was traveling for the first like about month and I was like, am I getting pudgier? It doesn't make any sense. I'm eating like no processed foods. I'm, I'm, I'm active as fuck. And then my friend was like, it's Chang way drinking beers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did Daniax say? A thousand of, of something? Oh yeaah. Thousand of? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think the one next to that guy, uh, to his right, uh, see that girl, yeah, no, yeah, that one, no, no, the girl with the woman. That's a lady. Yeah. So you think, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she's like the office like slut. Yeah, she's a hot girl. A couple of people have hooked up with her and it's created drama.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to that point, I would love to see the end of that video, when he's like woo, and everyone claps, and someone goes, hey man, I quit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shibuyas and such. Yeah. Shibuya. We had icebreakers, but that was like in like dorm jobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we had to go around doing the same thing. You split up into twos and then do something interesting about yourself, where you're from, and then you report on the other person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there was still one guy to go and he bid $2 and he ended up winning and there were two football players in the class. It was an easy A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so the lady said, the interviewer was like, okay, already is once on the prices, right? And he bid $1. And then the guy after a bit $2 in one and the football player was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, well, I mean, it's fake, but the rules would, you shouldn't be doing one dollar with this till people have to go. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Someone's supposed to. You? So I got one to look at those fucking hemorrhoids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They blow air into your rectum. So it's like wide open and then they look at whatever they got to look at. And then afterwards you're just full of air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so you feel like you have to ship, you don't, and then you fart for about two straight days. Really? Yea, just farting out air. But crazy farts. Crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I, uh, mention something to you guys? That I have drank a full glass of water and this full bottle of Fiji and you guys have not even come close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Double negative. Children and adulthood. On Netflix. July. July one eight. July one eight. July high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm going to look at it. I mean, I got that two couple of years in Edinburgh, so I've really sort of like been influenced by those one man, those like theme type shows. Um, but I'm working out at clubs and like make it like funny, like American standup. Um, uh, but like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, column would be a good one. The way Neil Brennan did three mics is just interesting. I'll watch a lot of stuff like that and see how I'll figure out a mixture between like stories, laws, and like tradition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll play us too. One stops, then the next one will just automatically start playing. Almost like a new episode starts. Or if you just watch one and then leave, they're 45 and 45, so they're like, manageable amounts of time. Smart to do, not 60-60. Smart. I think so. Also, it's too hard to get a crowd to like, really be in for an hour. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then if you don't play it, on Netflix, when you come back, like, do you want to resume playing, you know, just like any, stop watching House of Cards? Do you want to resume that? Do you want to resume Ari Schiffer's Double Negative?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your, your, your beach house? Yeah, yeah, Redondo. And, uh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you going to be on the road at all or no? Nah, I'll be in Montreal. No, I'll be in Montreal. The nasty show. I'm hosting the nasty show. Big Jay, Robert Kelly, Godfrey, Jimmy Carr. It's a good show. Yeah, it's a really good show. Yamanica. Sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For one, I'm not bisexual. Two, I'm not gay. Three, no, I'm not goddamn fat. I'm skinny as hell. And four, I'm fucking wiccan. If you have a problem, you can go fuck yourself. Piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should ask him the next time. They're gonna come to visit us in a few months here. We should ask him to prepare some more. Maybe he could tell us some on the show. Bring him in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who isn't there, who is the famous comic? Is that like a, no that's you know your redneck one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you feel like, well, hold on, I have to get my glass. My wife has a beagle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see that. I am reluctantly drinking Ezevia because you've stocked the fridge full of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just want yours taste better all the time. What are you talking about? It's the same one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I like to share. We're married. Sharing is caring, thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. It still makes me laugh, burps and parts, so much. Me too. No, her reaction makes me laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but for me, I like your burps the best, because I feel like they always tell a story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love the, uhm, the forcefulness. I think what I like, what makes me laugh all the time when you belch is that you're so subdued, like you're so chill, and then your burps are just violent rips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the best part, is that you don't even let the hype get to your own head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After he drinks, that's super funny. He learned that from you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, you're just gonna let that roll? You're not gonna compliment me on that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I held it in for a longer time just to let it grow and build.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me. Like knocking on the door. And did you actively clench your cheeks hard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eventually you clenched, you clenched, you clenched and the farts went up inside of you and you were able to relax through the rest of your massage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. What a neat story. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit. It's so faint and I'm so upset that I can't really hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it even when it's faint. It's like the distinct cry of your own baby. I understand it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, it's interesting that you mentioned the Mexican food because I too, the reason, well here's my story, leading up to the Mexican food is that I was making browns every day, every morning, but they were...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of give myself a little diarrhea, like not a lot, just a little to get the system going, get the pipes out, get the pipes cleaned, and then move on. And so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I normally do is I order Thai food and I'll get like a penang curry or something and put some extra sriracha in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I ate the Thai food, and then I was like, this is gonna be it, next morning, here it comes. No browns. Like, it was just like a normal brown. So wait, how constipated were you? What constipated? Like I was making the browns, but they were kind of, is it four, when they're a little harder?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's when we went to a whole farts and we got all the stuff for Mexican.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everywhere. And I think it's the salsa. It's actually the salsa that does it for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the next day I felt like, oh I gotta shit pretty hard, and I'd also had...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you know what we should do for those who have had one? We should put like a gold metal, like a gold star. And then if you haven't, you just haven't earned your stripes yet. You haven't earned your star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and if you've had multiples, it'll be like in the military, like you get your stripes, like you're a five-star general.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, apparently dehydration is the key to a successful double pie classic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I feel like we need a special sound for something like that. Do you have anything there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For his needs. Now it sounds like, why doesn't he just get two 12ers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like four and a half each of eggs a day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I do the grocery shopping and we go through a ton of eggs and a ton of bacon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their breakfast sausage, they have, it's the kind that they make there. I got it for you a while back and I really liked it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeffrey D. Morgan's sausage is so much, then pay the extra few bucks, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're hooked on the Flaves. You gotta evolve, dude. But what is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a threat. Do you think the people at Jeffrey Dean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if enough, Rogers, I guess, leave messages. Yeah, that's true. Critical, critical mass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I like the severity of it for him. Like it was a real problem that this guy had to take to the phone lines. Hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, that it really bothers him so much that he has to find the number and call. I don't think I've ever done that for like a product I really enjoyed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just take it. I'm like, oh, they changed it? Oh well, I guess they changed it. People change it. People change it. People change it. People change it all the time. Yea, right? Wouldn't you just kind of roll with the change?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what I've learned about white people complaining, what you do when you're like at spas or nice hotels, and you've taught me this because I used to go the angry route, and sometimes it does work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that makes sense. But the people at Jeffery Dean Morgan, I don't know if they'd respond to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. Sometimes they don't respond enough. Remember that time we were in DR and I forget what they, what had they done. Oh, we went on something and they promised it was going to be great and it was terrible. I feel like we had been robbed of a day of our vacation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they were like, take this tour and they ended up throwing us on a bus. It was horrible. The whole thing was disappointing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I told the guy, like, hey man, you stole a day of our vacation. Like, you're supposed to vouch for this thing being a good thing and it was not. And he was starting to blow me off. Okay, well too bad. And I was like, no, no, no, not too bad. You fucked up my vacation. And I used fuck and everything and then we got some free massage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be, to be fair, it is white people who decide which bummer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna see it. I can't, I can't, white bummer, black bummer, Asian bummer, I don't wanna see any bummer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a very, his face is good to watch. Now, uh, what is this one about? Are we talking cancer? No, this is gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you were saying that in Miami, they teach them how to give blowjobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we went to like, just the souvenir shops right off the boat docking area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every towel was like, naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so funny. So my point being though, if Miami is so open sexually, I'm wondering why this boy, the story of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am glad that La La Land did not win, just because, well, I hate musicals, I fucking hate them, and I wanted to see that movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, now here's the thing, you know how much I love my Ryan Gosling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love him and I love Emma. What's her tits? What's her name? Emma Watson?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I won't go see the movie. Because I, the, the, people singing,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, dialogue to me, it is not appealing. I fuck, it makes me crazy to watch musicals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only music movie I like is the Muppet, the Muppet movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The rainbow connection song, you know, that's cause it's the Muppets. I have no tolerance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so fucking boring. I liked cats growing up. My mom took me to see cats. Did you ever see that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's cause they're all in cat outfits and they're pretending to be singing cats. Oh that's fucking boring too. God damn it, that is boring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, I'm not cultured that way either. My parents forced me to a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have to pretend that we're cultured people. We have to take our sun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta teach him that the stuff exists, right? I mean, is that your job?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it is hard for a kid to watch though. My parents used to take me and I was so bored. Oh yea. We went every year to see the Nutcracker and I fucking hated it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's fucking boring. I'm not a ballet fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, April 13th through 15th, I'm at the Brea Improv down here in Brea, California. Very exciting. April 28th through 29th, Sacramento at the Punchline. May 4th through 5th, Phoenix, Arizona, Stand Up Live. May 19th and 20th, Jew Dork Titties, Gotham Comedy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've only done Suck My Juice, I've done like, you know, everywhere else but New York City. June 1st through 3rd, Denver at the Denver Comedy Works downtown. I'm excited about that one too, I've never done that. June 16th and 17th, Manfriend Disco at the Punchline Comedy Club. That's gonna be nuts. It's gonna be off the chain. My birthday is June 18th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking dying. My battery is messed up on my iPhone. It keeps, uh, the charge doesn't keep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh listen to that DeepBro, uh, last week I interviewed an actual non-binary person. They, THEY called in. It's, they, their name was Freddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did actually, yeaah. I did. I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what's up. You don't got no sauce, then you lost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got his, he put too much sauce on stuff. That's the problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Damn, dude. You gotta go to prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good for him. I like the sauce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, in philosophy, uh, you have your premise and then your A and Bs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, she's cute. Wow, they look good. They look good together. I like these two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I'm not gonna find out that he like beats her or something, right? I don't know. I don't wanna know that shit. What was he in jail for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like your soda, don't you get it? Cause yours tastes better!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, confidence, like, he's like, you're not born with that shit, like, life has to kinda season you a little bit. Yeah, I agree with that. Some kids are born with swag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I say white bummer, I mean that it's generally the industry made of white people who love to applaud the bummer movie. As opposed to the like, you know, the Rob Reiner film. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where, where, where the dog shit of the, of the entertainment world. But we're also the fucking Marine Corps of entertainment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're way more vulnerable. It's all on you. You can't blame anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it is the fucking Marine Corps of entertainment and we don't get the respect. And by the way, a comedy actor can do a serious role, but not vice versa. Not necessarily. Not necessarily. It's very hard for a serious actor to do comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right. Maybe he's not so funny. I'm trying to think of who's like great, who can do both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised, you know what, White Bomber didn't make it, did, or maybe it did, I just don't, I didn't pay attention. Was the one that we saw, the arrival, the one in the future, and the aliens. I think I got nominated. Oh yeaah, that was a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's not, that's not, no, this drops tomorrow, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, I'm saying, do we keep talking about it or are people gonna be sick of this by the time this drops? That's what I'm thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had death in it, but not enough. Was there cancer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Emma Stone. She's great. I like her on Sesame Street too. She did Balance. That was her thing. It was cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish they would have us on Sesame Street. That would be like, the dream. They're like, now from your mom's house podcasts. Everybody pull your jeans up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we light Grover's fart, and then that's our scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe we put the call out there. There's a fan that works on Sesame Street, let us know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So would I! Are you kidding? I don't give a fuck about anything, but I would love to do Sesame Street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to worry about the day. I like it all. I want to count something with a count. I'll be rad. Cause we're talking about today how the count is like OG Sesame Street. I love the count. I love Snuffleupagus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, oh, but Oscar the Grouch by far is the funniest character on Sesame Street. His shit's so funny, he tells kids to scram all the time. It's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or chemistry, I took chemistry for like a week in high school. This is what chemistry sounded like to me. I don't understand any of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I texted it to you. It's on your phone. My phone's dead. Uhm, sinkholes is a, it's a real deal, dude. We got into it last week and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool, I definitely would not want that first ride, would you? Fuck that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do we have, uhm, insurance for that? Like, is that part of your house insurance? Is sinkhole insurance?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Figure that one out. Now let's see here, what did we not cover? Constipation equals farts equals double pipe classic, your fart story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, I tried giving myself diarrhea, check. Oh, I didn't also- Oh, I've got a story. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If not more, and without those guys, there's no you, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm just so thankful for the lighting guys and those great, you know, they're the real stars, Tom, not you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That whole thing of like, they're just as, they're the stars too. Like, no they're not. No they're not. And here's why I'm not saying that they're not important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not everybody wants to be at the front of the line, or in front of the audience. Some people enjoy being behind the scenes, and that's okay, and that's what they want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, he's assuming that he is better than them, and he's trying to elevate them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe the lighting guy doesn't want people watching him. Have you thought of that? And of course they know they're good at their job because they're doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His alter ego. Trish really, I think he should start paying attention to Trish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, not that we all don't at some time, but I think it happened fairly quickly. So I'm wondering if Trisha's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, maybe, you know what? Maybe it's just the pressure of the country audience that you have to be down to earth and real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen that? There's a video of him I found, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was on Twitter where he's like, 5 million tickets sold. It's all because of you guys. You did this. Thank you so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish you would start bringing your manager on your social media and your agent, he books all the stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's my agent too now. I know. So, we gotta thank him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Pretty aggressive. I'll tell you what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For Kim A. We make fun of her. This bitch's body is better than a lot of 20 year old girls I see now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't say it that way, it's not our fault, it's Kim Ann's fault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that sounded legitimate. Maybe he worked on the bridge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he must be a bridge enthusiast, much like the train enthusiast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe this guy's been like involved in the building of the bridge or something, I don't know. Maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think Tom, the charm of our show is we celebrate all things child-like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, throw them away so I guess the premise is these panties can absorb all the blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like two tampons worth and then you just wash the panties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then like, do you just throw the panties in your washing, in your washer? Isn't that nasty? That's what I'm asking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White yoga pants and her period is just floating out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You shouldn't feel bad, but you should, it's just a hygiene. I think it's a, it's unhygienic to just boom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, look, the thing is, it is natural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it shouldn't be ashamed of it, it's, uh, whatever. But I do think you should, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try to be hygienic about it. That just probably doesn't feel very good either to just have your blood kinda, you're just sitting in your blood, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That doesn't feel good. But that's my concern with these panties is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I ordered a pear today, just so you know. I'm gonna give it a whirl and I will let you know. I'll report back to everybody on these panties. I just don't see how it can feel okay to sit in your own blood. They swear, they swear that you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, you don't care. I know you don't care. I don't care either. I just think it's funny that you called it a bunch of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish you would, uhm, go to like a Lamaze class and lecture to all the men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This morning, I learned how to make frittatas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, this is the second time I made you for Tata this morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you get, you got so into it, you liked it so much that you lost your ability to hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like that time, like a million years ago at my house, you were frying bacon. I couldn't talk to you because you were too busy frying your bacon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but this means that the last 12 years of shared meals, you've likely not been listening to me talk at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey man, you know I have this hairdresser that works with Alan? It was his 40th birthday when I was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he had it at Shakey's, the one in Hollywood, cause apparently they'll put your name up on the Shakey's billboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I asked you that question, I asked you that in a text the other day because you looked 40 when you were 30. Okay. So do people think that you look 50 now that you're almost 40? Close, close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't go jet black, but I think you should try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. I like your silver whiskers. I just love them. I like your silver bear look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what else you did with the frittata? Which really made me realize what a savage you are, is that you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a bear, if you've ever seen bears eating a honey hive, and there's all the bees swarming around the hive, a bear


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I love? My favorite burp in that is when you go, when it's half out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that was probably from an episode, like, 200 back. And that's before I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pregnancy changed my burp game. Burp is just violent rips. I like the rips, yea. I agree with that statement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not implicit. All I said is I like yours the best because they have different sounds, pitches. They do tell a story. I like when you go half into the sometimes you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a, that's a good one. Can I have some of your Dr. Zevia to get my own burps going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, but your, your burbs consistently make me laugh. Um, probably that's probably why, one of the main reasons I married you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you a good person? Are you not addicted to things? Do you call, you know, like, do what your say you're gonna do, keep your word, are you moral? But above all that is, can you burp?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a little important, not a lot, but I, I dated guys in the past who don't like my, they didn't like my burbs or my farts and I got a lot of heat for being who I was. Really? So when I found you, I was like, oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I have upset every ex-boyfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He actually would be like, stop farting. Stop it. Like he would get really mad at me. He didn't appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that burp that I did on the show that made the teaser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well who's a better, okay, let's decide then, who's a better fighter, who's a better burper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, why not? Why can't we just have the discussion? It doesn't have to lead anywhere. Let's just open up a topic, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's why I hear, Yana, Yana, might I present the case of my farts being very smelly and hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I eat a lot of, I've eaten dried apricots in the past. I tend to have smellier, hotter farts than you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I feel like that's up for debate. I feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not warm in here, you're always hot. Well take off your fucking sweatshirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what you're saying, what you're saying is, is that you, you're good with a variety. I might be good with sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we haven't decided what criterion is the best, okay? And in my opinion, yea, variety is important, but so is pitch, frequency, volume, very important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'll tell you why, because these are lucky brand and they're like a 90's jean that I specifically order online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? You're miserable. No, Dad. You're the worst. How cold are you gonna make it in here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but here's the problem with what you do. Why I don't like your methods. Is because it'll be hot as fuck outside.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, oh my god. So listen, my problem with your AC consumption is that it'll be hot as fuck outside and then you'll decide to put it down to like 60.


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[Assistant] How low do you put that thermostat? Because of you? It feels like 63. I should say that.


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[Assistant] So anyways, the problem is you turn it too low and then it feels like-


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[Assistant] It makes me feel feverish and sick when you make the AC so cold and it's been hot all day, so my body's all super hot.


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[Assistant] Where's your water, water champ? Oh interesting, yet another episode where you have no water in front of you.


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[Assistant] I have coffee and I have water. I dehydrate but then I rehydrate.


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[Assistant] Well, whatever. I always thought the clear stuff that comes


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[Assistant] From the tap is water. You're claiming that black cherry Zevia soda is the same as water. It is. Uh huh. It's exactly the same. Molecularly.


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[Assistant] Like I'm trying to think, like sickness, when I've been like really sick.


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[Assistant] I know I like going outdoors, I just don't wanna, I don't see the need to sleep out there for days on end.


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[Assistant] Yes. Yeah, I think so. This is a very specific genre. I can't- Oh my god.


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[Assistant] Right, but she's- The inside of my asshole? But she's definitely got kind of a Karen vibe to her.


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[Assistant] Karen's broken, but she's not this damaged. This girl's a trish.


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[Assistant] No, Karen thinks she has a shot. Trish doesn't tr- Trish is trashier than Karen.


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[Assistant] She's authentic, I believe her now. I wasn't, I wasn't convinced.


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[Assistant] When she showed us her, she spread them and then...


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[Assistant] I wasn't convinced when she was sniffing her panties. I do feel like in order to be the kind of girl, you put your finger in your butt and then smell and then describe the smell. You're committed. Like you're, you're in it. You're in it. You're in it. You're real. She's real. She's real. She's real. No, thanks.


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[Assistant] You like smelly cheeses? Like she might lead you into...


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[Assistant] I gotta go. Yeah. Yeah. It does go down like that. Yeah. You think she drops it on the first date though? Yeah. I think when you have a fetish...


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[Assistant] Uhm, a while ago, we gave some advice to a young gentleman.


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[Assistant] Just like you had said, my cleanup game is pretty fucking tight right now. Just a few wipes and done.


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[Assistant] There is the sweat issue that you mentioned, but that's a welcome trade-off. I was surprised to notice how my farts smell different now too. Kinda sloppy sounding, like a fat guy fart.


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[Assistant] I also changed my diet as you suggested by removing most of the carbs and almost all the sugar. That's made a huge difference in my life in many ways. I feel like a new man and I can't thank you enough.


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[Assistant] Right. Well there's lots of benefits. You get a cleaner wipe.


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[Assistant] Uh, it is sweaty like he said, but you know, trade off. I'd say the clean up thing is massive.


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[Assistant] Well first of all, Mark, uh, listen. F-A-R-T. Allow me to, uh, clarify my position on Tom's usage of the water bottle to clean off your asshole.


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[Assistant] Now you're using like the maple syrup top, you know, the kind that's like the power.


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[Assistant] My only, uh, my issue with it was that I was worried about the shame.


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[Assistant] Of carrying in a bottle of water into the shitter. I just think it's odd when people carry.


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[Assistant] Nasty. And secondly, I don't do shit to shower anymore because of the total washlet 350e.


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[Assistant] We're talking about why I haven't shit showered in a while. But we're talking about, you know,


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[Assistant] I guess I'm thinking about the office worker, the person who has to be


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[Assistant] I know, but it just seems weird, like I'm gonna go to take a shit and then you're carrying your bottle of water into the stall with you, you don't think people kinda know?


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[Assistant] Cause I used to get weird, just like weird about bringing my iPhone in to take a shit. Like, oh, everybody knows that I'm looking at my iPhone when I'm taking a dump. Which, I would hide it kinda in my clothes so that people didn't see. I still do.


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[Assistant] Well, I know, but you're, you're an animal. You don't care about anything.


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[Assistant] I wanted to bring this to your attention, uh, as long as we're still on this topic.


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[Assistant] Uh, our good friend Eric, it was his birthday. We bought him a squatty potty.


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[Assistant] Using our Amazon banner, go to yourmomshousepodcast.com, click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage that you're shopping as you normally would, and I've got him a squatty potty, right?


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[Assistant] Here's the interesting part is that we've had so many people tell us to use the squatty potty. And I've been reluctant because look, I take healthy browns. I don't need the assistance of anything.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna read what he wrote verbatim because I find it that interesting. Hold on.


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[Assistant] Well, he said that it's good that it comes out faster.


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[Assistant] When you're doing it, right? Like, you take a faster shit because your knees are up to your chest basically, right? The problem is, it doesn't leave much time for reading.


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[Assistant] For texting, for catching up on, you know, Instagram, Twitter, whatever. That's the problem. So part of the fun of shitting is really catching up on emails, texting people back.


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[Assistant] Cause on the one hand, I like the efficiency of the squatty potty. I like the idea of that.


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[Assistant] But then again, I kind of enjoy my, uhm, you know.


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[Assistant] After fucking a million years in stand-up comedy.


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[Assistant] In the works for years and then now it's finally happening and I'm, it's happening.


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[Assistant] So, help me wrap up for this taping.


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[Assistant] Yeah, April 13th through 15th, Brea Improv. April 28th through 29th, punchline in Sacramento. What is it? Sacramento.


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[Assistant] Ball sacks, Mentos, May 4th through 5th, Fartnicks, Arizona, Stand Up Rive, May 19th through 20th, Jew Dork Titties, Gotham Cum and Cum in Your Face Club, June 1st through 3rd,


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[Assistant] Denver, Momver, Momver Comedy Works, The Downtown Location, June 16th through 17th, Man Fran Disco at the Punchline, and then my Smurf Day on the 18th, and then I taped June 24th. So, very exciting.


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[Assistant] Oh, nevermind. There you go. He talks American and then he talks all funny after that. God damn it, I gotta eat.


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[Assistant] No matter what they say, and then when like, Jamaican dudes talk, it just sounds like it's a party.


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[Assistant] Hold on. Show business number one. Try not to match your jacket with the background.


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[Assistant] The bulbous eyes, the, the ears that come out.


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[Assistant] Is he telling you about it as you do it? Yes, yes he does. I believe it. I believe it. Do you know I had a listener


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[Assistant] You did. God, I haven't had brunch in forever. Tell me about brunch.


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[Assistant] Well, cause our baby jeans is up at six in the morning, and then he's down by the first nap by nine.


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[Assistant] It's not really, there's no brunch window. I mean, I guess we could do it when he wakes up from that first nap.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I agree. Because you know, like, A, it's not going to feel that great.


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[Assistant] But specifically, what are the items that you will order off the menu?


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[Assistant] I just wanna mix up the taste.


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[Assistant] And then you do your fruits on another. You know what I'm saying? You got some Nutella. But here's the thing.


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[Assistant] Well, and what I've learned too is that if I go off the rails early in the day,


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[Assistant] Well that's the thing. Yeah, you pick one day to go off the rails and then you clean it up. You get back in the game.


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[Assistant] You know what I found too? Is that it's not as fun to do the things I used to do. It's not as fun. Cause then you're like, ah, I'm just going to get fucking fat.


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[Assistant] Is it worth it to get fat and shitty again? Just cause I like eating, I like drinking a lot of wine. I've had to like really curb all that, you know, late night eating wine. You start looking at sugar.


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[Assistant] That's like, uh, more than a candy bar. It's more like a Snickers bar, right?


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[Assistant] First of all, whoever makes the servings is fucking bullshit on any product ever. Who just eats eight potato chips or who has a teaspoon of anything?


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[Assistant] Especially Vocal Fry, did you see what his, uhm, his lower third was, what they called the Chiron?


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[Assistant] Why? It seems pretty common to me. Just your everyday kinda guy.


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[Assistant] Wait, are you saying that this person, hold on, let me get this straight, you're saying that this person isn't right in the head, and they just want attention, even if it's negative attention? What's your pronoun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, is that, is that what you're implying? That this isn't, we shouldn't support this young person in becoming...