[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I have to tell you, I'm sure he kinda would with a lot of women, but personally...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This kind of sensitive energy stuff, it repels, it just repels me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well like, he's too emo for me. He's way too emo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you invite them over and have a Lingam appreciation night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it reminds me of, this guy reminds me of like the G.O.'s at Club Med.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Club Med's a French vacation spot. There's a good chance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I think he may have. Yeaah. Yeaah. They oughta like that too, uuuh, at the end of the party, see you at the disco later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I just figured, you know, yeaah, I don't wanna talk. I mean, look, I went when I was 28 with my dad. That's the last time I went to Club Med. And, uh, my dad's been taking me to Club Med since I was like 11.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything's included. I don't have to fucking pay more. You know, everything at the bar, I can get what I want all day long. It's the best. It's the best. Buffet, buffet, buffet, buffet is the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, they're all French and uhm, you know, one of the G.O.'s just hit on me grossly and was like, you wanna come back to my room? I have a bottle of lube and a mirror.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that this dude, I was, I was at breakfast and I was alone and I was working on jokes at the time I was just writing jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking sit- sitting by myself with a plate of fruit and he sits down next to me because the G.O.'s are encouraged to socialize with the guests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they seat you with strangers at every meal, which is horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's French. It's European. The whole thing is that you should socialize and meet new people. So I was sitting alone, which in Club Med world is considered bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he sits down next to me and I forget, I mean, we're talking about the most banal things, you know, like, oh, you're here with your dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, oh, when they seat you with people, ugh. Is there anything worse than that? I hate it. I hate it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're there with your family, which implies-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And again, it's just small talk, which I deplore small talk. I don't want, I don't want you to know where I live. How about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about I don't tell you what I do for a fucking living. I don't want to talk about my job when I'm on a vacation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everybody shut the fuck up. If I wanna talk to you, I want to. If I don't, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A meal. Which is sacred. I mean, you break bread with your family, with your friends, not with fuckin' strangers. Some douchebag. Fuckin' dad boner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] L.A., huh? Earthquakes, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a very small section of this business, I guess too. And there's, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, like you said, when you met the guy, the bikes kid,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I kept it, we, I, he had, he came on the show with a Skype interview. Skype interview. From Scotland, right? Who's in Scotland? Sorry, England.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, um, I kept, we kept in touch via direct message and he said he's going to come out here in March and then, you know, we made an appointment. We, uh, had lunch with Dan Pena.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why you're fucking poor! So crazy. The best part is that you and I dressed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it costs nothing. You go to the dry cleaner and they do it. Now what's really upsetting to me is my art teacher jacket. Which by the way, we've offended many an art teacher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I had that jacket altered. It was just an H&M jacket. But at the time I was real fat after giving birth and I wanted to look nice even if I was fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was upset because I felt like I made an effort with that jacket and you still were like, no, that's hideous. So I tried, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so Dan Pena, what was it like? I had, I texted some friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Family and they were like, oh, is he an asshole? And it's funny because I don't think of him as an asshole at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always say, beware of the bullshitter, the one who pretends to be nice all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The people who pretend to be perfect and not curse and be holier than that, those are generally the ones you should watch out for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We talked about family, his family, our family life a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why you're fucking poor! Well really pleasant, pleasant lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, his outfit for lunch was like a vest that was like, what was the word for that? What kind of vest is that? It looks like a tapestry kind of like what they do on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? And then nice slacks. And then he had on these great slippers. They were like leisure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I guess he's visiting LA for a minute and then he's gonna go back to his castle and teach a seminar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't wear your fucking jeans, you bum. Look at the fucking losers you hang out with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, he, his, his face, no wrinkles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like on television, when you're on television, you should be tailored. Like just, just have it fit you not too tight so that your titties show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, cause back in the olden days, uh, that you, you couldn't buy ready-made clothing. Everything was made for you. It was super expensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now everything's off the factory, but if you can just do, like you said, little fuckin'... Little modifications. Little meows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, uh, here with LJ this weekend and we went to the country club and I made a little


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's, here's why when I was a little girl and you dream about the year 2000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, look, I grew up watching Inspector Gadget and I always, and like James Bonds did, and I always used to love when Gadget would, you could take fucking phone calls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here's what I do, cause when I go out alone with him, when you're out of town, baby jeans and I go to the country club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to take the fucking diaper bag, which means I can't carry a purse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I got the baby, I got the stroller, I got the shit. And every time you're texting me or let's say something, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to dig for my phone every two seconds. It's so irritating. I'm constantly looking for my phone. So this way,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this, I was driving like this, and then I went, boop, hi jeans, and I could fucking talk to you, and I didn't have to look from my phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just like anything that prevents me from having to obsess about where's the phone? Where am I going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I've ever stepped foot in there, it is an absolute misery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God forbid if, if something should break and you should want it fixed, cause that's another fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. It's the coolest product and it's the absolute worst customer service. I fucking walked in there at Baby Jeans and if you have a toddler, you know that you have exactly 20 minutes to do anything before that kid has a meltdown. Those are the rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I stood there, nobody was helping me, and I'm begging, I go, can I please give you $400? I have, I have the money. Here's my, can someone take money?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, give me a millennial. And then the worst part is I go, do you want to activate the watch now? I go, of course. What do you mean when? I'm going to come back. So then of course I go to the, go over here. There's again, 10 people, like you said, and then one fucking employee helping all us old fogies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Activate. So every 10 seconds when, you know, then she has to come back when she fucking can. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's, of course he melted down. He started screaming and crying in the middle of the store. Everybody stopped what they were doing and stared. It was terrible. I had to give him goldfish and, you know, put him in my lab. It was terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so sick of everything I type, it never comes out accurately. It's every, everything I type. It's enraging. Yea, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I think why I can't shit? Why? Cause of that dinner. I had pasta and meat and cheese and I haven't had enough veggies since. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a fiber. So I had two bowls of poop soup and a mango and some coffee. I'm hoping that that'll drum up some, some fours and fives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great club. May 4th through 5th, Fartnix, Arizona at Stand Up Live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May 19th through 20th, Jew Dork Teddy's at Gotham Comedy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, check out That's Deep Row. This week I talk about feeling like an imposter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you consider those hangers low?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I, can I tell you, as somebody that has huge hangers, not wearing a bra, it's, it's just so uncomfortable for me. I can't imagine it being a regular thing. I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, if you're, if you're anti-sex worker, then you're, you're homophobic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're anti-sex worker as a feminist, I feel like, yeah, maybe it's a little homophobic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm pro sex worker, that's why. I've always been pro sex work. A lot of women don't have many options and it's pretty decent. I mean, especially if you're not getting beaten by a pimp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, what I, I like Dan Pena, I mean I've said it before, is that he just reminds me of almost everybody in my family. He's just Hungarian, like that's an old school Hungarian person, the way he talks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just everything I've heard. No nonsense. Yeah, like, actually I would say even my stepdad was like that too, just. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, uh, cause I've had it happen too at the Thai places. You know, you can literally see them in the alleyway, like, pshh, putting out that cigarette, looming up and coming for you, like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, in the food service industry, in the massage industry, doctors, dentists, if someone can smell your hands, you probably shouldn't smoke immediately before touching them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best part about cigarette smokers, cause I was a smoker for 17 years, is that it just comes out of your pores, like it permeates, it's out of every orifice and comes out of your nostrils too, like you just, you're a dragon, you smell like shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, can I give you, uhm, I'll tell you what I do to preempt any sort of conversation during a massage? Yeah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I do when they go, any areas troubling you? I tell them the areas and then I go, oh, but I'm just looking to fall asleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm probably gonna pass out. You warned them ahead. I'm gonna pass out here, so don't fucking say anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then did you get a whiff of her breath when she whispered to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, you know, I hit 30 and I was like, I can't do this past 30. I'm going to die. Cause I started when I was 13 years old and, and it was great for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, don't, you know. But I don't really miss it. I used to miss it when I would smell it on other people and now it's not the same. I'm over it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, let's go to the movies. There's this thing I want to see. And uhm, I was like, yeah, great. What is it? You're like, oh, best if I don't tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it like a romantic comedy? Is it like a fun thing? And you're like, yeah, yeah, it's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I, but I always like, I always hate when people are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it, go see it, help support another comic. You know what's the best part too is that we saw it with a lot of black people in the audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was way fun too. Really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easy, Gregor. That reminds me of a new show I got you into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. I like baking because it's so hard and it's so scientific and the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what I like to do? Yeah, you know what I do? I like to put, we have a fragrance maker. What is that called? In the room? Jane, the diffuser? Yeah, yeah. And I put in sugar cookie oil and vanilla oil and I diffuse that smell in the room and I light candles. And that way I feel like I'm, I'm being a bad girl without actually eating the treats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I can watch someone else bake it and I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But season two, woof, talk about the dog pound and those teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's the stereotype with, you know, British people, and I hate to say it, but Season 2 really fulfilled that stereotype.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, as irony and fate would have it, this segment started, Tom, when I had a root canal a few years ago and had to put a crown on this bottom back molar. I remember. And that's when this started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Full circle, I'm having this crown replaced again because it was done incorrectly the first time and it didn't line up with the rest of my teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see that? It's like the wrong color, it's all white, like really really white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to chew anything hard or sticky, cause it'll tear it out. And if that happens on a weekend,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't call me, because I don't want to open the office to just put a tent back in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you can do is go down to the store and get some denture cream and just glue it back in until Monday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but luckily, knock on wood, I haven't ripped it out yet. The thing is, every time I've ever had a temp tooth in, I've had temp teeth in a few times, they always fucking fall out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always. But you know what he told me, which was interesting, is that because I've had this tooth root canaled, he's like, if the crown falls off, it doesn't matter. It can't rot. Like you can't get bacteria and it's already dead. I'm like, that's neat. That's kind of an interesting story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the struggle for me has been though, I can't floss around the temp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've been eating, ha ha, Betsy doesn't like that. I ate some meat the other day, got wedged in there, bacon this morning, it's all wedged in there and I can't do a fucking thing about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the good news. Now listen, here's the second part to my update. So,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found out that my veneers actually can't be stained, so this whole time I've been worried about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Staining my veneers, but my natural teeth can be stained.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna do that the day I get my new crown next week. I'm gonna do bang bang. Crown takes 15 minutes and then I'm gonna have them whiten in the office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we took Ellis to the dentist for the first time too and he had a dental check. He had flying colors because mom's been brushing his teeth already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you had two bowls. Two bowls. By the third bowl, we're gonna start to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we'll see. Do you know what the problem is? What? Saturday I broke the diet. I had a ton of sugar. I had wine. I had pasta. I had cheese. So my body is fucked. I gotta get back on fiber. It's all about the fiber intake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, last night we were laying in bed and you go, what do you think? Do you think I'm gonna fart or do I have to shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said, judging by your travel day,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do too. I hate being constant. I hate number ones. I hate type one. It's not even a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So search under groups on, go to the group tab on Facebook and put in your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize people really liked the Jimmy Dean sausage bit so much. There's a lot of people posting that. People are like, I took a brown today, like just post that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing that I love about this is that I've been wanting this since day one is a place for mommies to go and meet each other and make new friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish we could do a dating site that's just people who love our show and then they can meet other, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it just started, and that grew over the weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I figured it out. This is just, uh, your mom's house is a place for immature adults.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I'm a member of the group, but, but I was, I, I, did you join?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was debating whether or not to join cause I'm like, oh, is this going to be weird for people? Will they be like, this is like your parent?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny because somebody was like, I have to quit my job because it's getting in the way of enjoying this Facebook group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true, I'm on there and I keep looking at it. It's so funny, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeans. For those of you who don't know this, the reference is at first we call each other jeans, mommy jeans, jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then five minutes of meeting me took a dump in our bathroom, but he heard Tom calling me Jeans. And so when we answered the door and the intercom, he goes, Hey Jean, it's me. And I was like, did he just call me Jean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Mila Kunis, I like her. She's my tribe. She's not Hungarian, but she's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how. I mean, it's only accidentally that that's happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's one thing to do this in front of your buddies, like drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So another thing to actively make a video and put it online. That's a really bold choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were walking towards me in the kitchen and you went, You burped? And then you lifted your leg up and you farted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, cause you go, you go, cause you went, you went, it's not, it's not a double pipe. It's not a double pipe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're emphatic that it wasn't and, you know, I wasn't even thinking that. I was just like, look at the choreography on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, if you're, if you're, if you have a strong odor down there, then the wind coming out of it probably, but I mean, you know, if you have a, keep it clean, you shouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, exactly. You know, I'm glad we can't make out our face too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be honest. You know, let's say like, I'm the Queef Girl. What if I made that video when I was 20 years old?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you demand that I do the queef? I'm sure it would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, I'm excited. I'm about, I'm about as excited as he is right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? I'm your mom and you're my son and I am falling in love with him. He said, are you really? I said, yes, I am. He said, you know what? I was scared to let you know too. I am too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After hearing the superpowers of blind people knowing when they are done wiping just by their senses, I thought this could actually be the same


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, interesting, I mean, have you ever, uh, in the middle of the night, gone to pee and you stand?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Years, many years, yeaah. I have a wide range of abilities when it comes to burping. Sure. I think you noticed that in that song you definitely conceded that I am the burp jammer. No, I did not. You say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to say it. It's what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your whole thing is like, I want some of yours. That's what you told me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, there's no shortage of farts from you. I mean, if that's what this is about, then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm definitely the king supreme of both of those categories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, because it's like comfortable. But I mean, the other day-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you did like a real theatrical burp right then though. You really forced it. So what you're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, you're talking about all these different burps right now. You're like, those are cool, that one's cool, that one's cool, but then you go, but I mean, who says you're the best? Well, who does all those different burps? It's me. I'm obviously the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, she's got real light dad denim on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, another, another day of rain. You want me to hold the heat on? The heat? Yea. No. I'm gonna turn the air on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I let your illogical mind step in for a second, and then I go, wait, this doesn't feel right, and I get up, and I walk over the thermostat, and it's 80. It's good, it feels good. And I go, it's 80, and you're like, I like it, it feels good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of you, I always put it at 72, 73.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I keep it in the low 70s, not even down to 70s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever I see you being feverish and sick, I feel so happy and I feel so good with myself, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Naturally flavored, no sugar, no artificial sweeteners, no caffeine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely a couple days, but I mean, not, not often man, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One episode, I don't know, hundreds of episodes ago, where we were like, fuck camping. People were like, you're wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's, it's funny to me- Shit out there and stuff. When somebody argues against someone's preferences.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? It's like someone arguing about your food preferences. You know, if you're like uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man, I like stinky butt holes though, and this lady's got one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, she set it up well. Now I know what's gonna happen, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's somebody that wants to take that advice to task. Maybe even say, I don't think so, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not the only one that knows how to run your finger along your asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, so. Seriously? It's like you think she's got some real smells.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so this is an af smell video. Like that's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I didn't know, I thought maybe she was just somebody who has, you know, sexual videos up. I didn't know it was like, specific. She goes, if you're watching this, you like ass smells. Meaning, this is pulled from an ass smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what they're hearing? That's Jane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Much faster. Okay, so let's get back to this stinky asshole of these ladies here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I would be, no, I'm just adjusting myself. Uh, I don't know if I would necessarily be into the ass smell aspect of the relationship with her. Like if she was like, I didn't shower in days, you want to smell the inside of my asshole?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a, she's a crazy lady. Crazy. She's crazy. What do you think it's like to date her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if she leaves with this, but she doesn't completely mask it either. I think she's the kind of person who you're having dinner, talking about this and that, and then she might be like, I like stinky stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or she'll say something like, I didn't put on deodorant today. And then you're like, oh, you know, that's okay. And she's like, do you like that? Like what? There's a Dwayne Reed across the street if you want to go there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she's like, I don't want to buy any. I'm saying, do you like the way that smells? And you're like, Oh, I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't say, I don't then go, and I want to smell each one of them on my finger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought she was gonna, that her finger would have brown on it. It didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but maybe, I don't know, maybe she just has like a cleaner bottle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, try to remove some inner brown. Who knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I bow and thank you for your thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hair is gone, so it's just really going against skin. It's in the air and the skin is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. So I'm very proud of him though for doing it. And I encourage people to at least take that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hair removal for a spin. See if it's something that feels right to you, is fun to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The clean-up's the whole point. Everything else is, uh, you know, has, is, uh, you know, uh, uh, whatever effect of it. But it's not, it's not, it's all about the clean-up changing. Cause when you're hairy, man, that is a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine shitting into the top of your head and then being like, seriously, and then just wiping the shit off of that. And you're like, how long is it going to take? I don't know. 45 minutes. Speaking of, speaking of that, an email we got bringing water to poop. It's called Christina is wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any non-Juggalo person would ditch that water bottle after bringing it into the shitter, obviously chugging most of the water before bringing it into the hydrate. Water champ is a lifestyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He probably struts out saying, it doesn't smell, doesn't burn, it ain't greasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A R T level hypocrisy. If you swap out poop particles for curse words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is right, by the way, in that you don't take a, I'm not taking a full bottle of water and cracking it to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You buy your bottle of water, you're drinking it, let's say you're probably two thirds of the way through it, I gotta take a dump, I bring that in there, and it helps me clean up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we're talking about, you know, you're at the airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so that's what I'm saying. It's not an, I don't bring a bottle of water into our home. I'm saying when you're, when you're in public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, it becomes a necessity because it takes a while. So it really does make sense in that you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because you're like, this isn't going to come out in half a second. I'm going to sit here for a second and then get the engine going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you're, if you're doing that, maybe you're happier that you have more time. You know, in other words, you, you feel like it's gonna take some time. That's why you bring your iPhone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. Hell, I like the way I shit. So do I. But that was just chips on the bowl right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the big announcement is... Chips in a bowl. I'm coming to Mom's Australia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's pretty exciting, Jean. I haven't been there in quite some time. I'm coming in August. I'm hitting four cities. Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne, and Perth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's August, uh, I believe the first show is August 9th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 12th and 14th. Go to TomSiguro.com, click on the tour page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coming down under, man. Really excited about it. It's been a few years since I've been to Mom Australia. Also, coming up next week, I'm going to Titsburg, Pennsylvania.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On Thursday, the first one sold out, so that is on sale now. I will also be in New Haven, Comnetic Hunt, and, uh, Burlington, Vermont.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna do that one on Saturday, I think. So those tickets are on Sizz Ale and then, uh, Meat Rattle, Seattle, Washington. I'm, uh, I'm doing a second show on the 14th. Get your tickets for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Portland, Oregon, I had to add a show in May because of the way that the weekend worked out, um, with, uh, what's it called, with Easter. So I'll be coming back and I'm doing Eugene, Oregon as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Eddie Bojangles. It's called Fresh Latin Heat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I eat cucumbers and then it makes me, uh, makes me look better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is this guy? Let's see. This is one of UK's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how it says here, decides to, uh, rap about how awesome cucumbers are, but in Hero decides to rape about how awesome cucumbers are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put it in a bottle of water, da da da da. Yea, sounds like a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think he says like, well right now the, uh, the vaginal juices are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Making it, this is a lubricant, it's a natural lubricant. He's telling you about it as you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well first of all, I'll tell you, the whole weekend was bananas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I mean, I did it started in Green Bay, and then I went to Detroit, and then I went to... How was Detroit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, crowds were amazing. So cold in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was a blast, but then on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sunday, I was with, uh, J. Elvis Weinstein, uh, came with me. And, and then Louis Lee, who, uh, lives in Minneapolis, came down and we had brunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At this place called Shaw's, and it was just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Delightful. There's nothing like a killer brunch, man. What did you have? I had everything. I was off, off, fuck the points. Fuck the points. Yeah, you did it. Yeah. Sunday morning, I'm like, Sunday, fun day, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, ever since I've been a more moderate and focused eater, even off the rails isn't that far off the rails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I remember when I went on our way there, I told Josh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, uh, I'm gonna have some sugar and I'm gonna have some carbs. I'm not gonna be like, what is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I love, you know, I'm a breakfast maniac, so this is a, the brunch is like a brunch buffet with tons, at this place it was phenomenal. So I just wanted to get like a waffle. Waffle. See the cool thing is they did many ones there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing I learned is that it's not even about having a crazy amount. It's like getting that taste again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, we're there, I go, I have that, I have some, some scrimps, I had crab legs, because I have a lot of seafood. You love crab legs. But I mean, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They give you, you know, a moderate portion. I had my little mini waffle. Some breakfast sausage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I dunno, a couple others, like I said, scrimps, a couple egg things, and then you're just like, oh, I'm totally good. So you feel like you had, uh, you went off the rails, but it wasn't that crazy, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know I have this stuff I take after I eat that. Does that work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's supposed to work and then I exercise after too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then I do, you know, I don't fuck around the rest of the week. I don't keep being like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get back in the game. Otherwise you're gonna have problems, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you start looking at sugar things, it blows your mind. If you start, if you start being sugar conscious, it really blows your mind. Just because we were trying to make these, uh, these keto pancakes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of course, one of the components you have to get a sugar free syrup, but it also has to not have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like not only can it be, it has to be sugar free, it can't have the sweeteners that affect you the way sugar does. So it's a very specific brand. So I was in Whole Farts and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I asked if they had it and they go, no, we don't have it. And just out of curiosity, I picked up a regular maple syrup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then how many people stick to a serving of maple syrup?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sugar is the one that only, I think next year it changes for the first time, where next to the grams it doesn't show you the percentage of the daily value. In other words, you see sodium, fat, you know, protein.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It shows you the grams and then a percentage, 15%, 25% of your daily sugar. It'll say 53 grams, no percentage. And that's cause of the sugar lobby, but they're getting fucked next year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, yeah, a little bit. Just a tiny little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Or you get the sugar, the betas. Yeah, you get the betas. Da betas. Da betas. Uhm, are you thinking of maybe changing who you are?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always give an extra stare to the person that says it like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What can you make with this? Just expresses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vinny's doing some interesting things with the look. The makeup is really intense. It looks like maybe midway through a performance of Cats, a musical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very detailed and uhm, very profound levels of black eye makeup. It's not just black in like a uhm, it's kind of artistically applied so that it looks like the eyes wrap further back up along the temple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you like what you're about to hear next though, cause this next part is not allowed to like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, maybe just some mental health counseling would help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna terrify people, but then have them be like, wow, that's pretty attractive too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you say that to most trained psychologists and they'd be like, we're gonna keep you here overnight and we're gonna start this again in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, also, I wanted to point out that, uh, every week now after we do the podcast, if you go to our Facebook page, it's facebook.com slash your mom's house podcast. We are doing a live video. At Studio M. At Studio M. And, uh, we, you know, we talk to you guys, we answer questions, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys! He's always real excited, he's like, hey! Yeah. Waves. Yeah. Hey guys! Oh, we're just hanging out, 2DOG!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to say what's up to Bozeman Montana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the thing I like about this, it's boring, but he's also excited. So it's a dad boner slash boring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boring and dad-like. Hold on. Hold on to your pants. Hold on to your jeans, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He showed it to you like it was two tits. Like, what do you think of these?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't stop thinking about that space alien. It was terrifying, but I was so attracted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, come over here, I'm gonna sit on your fucking face right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess you're right. But I'm just thinking, like, what if the whole time she's just like, smell my finger, smell it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I just feel like it's more pervasive with her. I think it's gonna be, there's no joke in it. She's like, doesn't it fucking smell like shit? You're like, God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I smell my panties. Does that smell like fresh shit? Yeah, it does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. And then, and then as the week progresses, she's like, stay four with no shower. Isn't that nasty? And you're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's not embarrassing on, on paper. In public. In public, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, public people will walk by and go, ugh, what is that smell? Ugh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hassle stinks horrible. I guess she would make me laugh more. I think she would make me laugh more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, maybe can we make it a three day cruise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would definitely do asshole videos. Finger my asshole videos and smell them. Seriously? Over becoming a nasal alien, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm transitioning to be a nasal alien. That's gonna occupy more of my time than you think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to do a dental update and I totally realized that you didn't explain what do you mean it's going to ruin your life? Both will. Why would your asshole vids ruin your life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's fine. I think it's not a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't say it's quite like porn. I mean, it is. There was the one blurred out video where she's clearly fingering her asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's not desirable, but we signed up for this. This is our life now. This is what we're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like the gays. The gays do the same thing, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, so I was trying to read these dental updates we got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, just wanted to give you a dental update. I recently went to the dentist after not seeing one in almost 15 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last time I went was when I was 12 and I had to get a baby tooth pulled. The dentist forgot to give me novocaine before I started pulling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Told me to stop whining when I told him how bad it hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since then I've been terrified of the dentist. After listening to your show for several years, I finally pulled my jeans up, got my life, and went to a dentist. Besides my teeth being all buttery and needing a thorough cleaning, I had no cavities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for your constant dental shaming. It's just as effective as fat shaming, just like the gays, Matt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have an idea. Yeah, go ahead. What about doing a video, like the asshole video lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about your teeth and how you don't floss? You make a video like that, you go like, I'm not gonna floss, I haven't flossed in days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My asshole's pretty clean, dude. Are you hearing the nonsense that you're spewing right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good. Are you doing it the same one we went to, the same dentist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, here's another email. What's up mommies? I had to send a dental update after mommy Tina talked about replacing her badly fit crown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am a twice a week flosser, thanks to the show. Twice a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I put off getting a crown over a root canal for over six years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every cleaning my dentist would ask if I wanted to spend fifteen hundred on a crown and I would ask if it was necessary. The answer was always, you know, whenever you have the money. I never knew this was code four. Fucking immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I recently went to a new dentist chain called Modern Dentistry and it was the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to put off the crown again and they said the tooth was developing micro fractures.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said I was in a hurry and they convinced me to stay with 20% off. Great. Promised a two hour crown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They numb me up, ground the tooth down and scan the shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After installing it, they, uh, they show you an x-ray of how well it went. I'm telling you, this shit is big time. Gene Zisky, I know you probably trust Steve Harvey's Dennis to keep your shit on fleek when you're squishing nasty molding goo into your chompers and waiting two weeks for a final crown. I hate it. Remember that you can get your life too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not sure when, but you called out a listener for standing up while wiping like a four year old, and I stand with them. Many parents give up on teaching technique at four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are so lucky to have you and Top Dog to give higher, tighter, wiping education to those less fortunate. Keeping it in greasy and mumber. Thanks for that Steve, bro. Cheers, Kyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's been a minute, so what do you say we revisit some, uh, new submissions of Hi Mommy 13?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that makes it sound like it's normal, natural conversation. I think this whole experiment really has taught us how little other people listen usually. Because very rarely do you get like, I'm sorry, what was that? A lot of times it's just like response, automated response. So that's Ian. Thanks Ian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean there's people listening now that must have missed some of these references because he did so many and he went deep in the vault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a pitch I had for a show that never got picked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where, uh, you masturbate different dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just feel like, well yea, maybe, I mean, it might be more of a HBO property, you know? They think, they really go outside the box. They like, really original stuff. Gotcha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you were talking about, if I want to remember, I'm not entirely sure, but I want to say we were talking about what happens with people with those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that you said, you know, fuck my whatever. Fuck my stoma. And then that became a drop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I see people asking about references sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good stuff as always, guys. You're just killing it with these. It's a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A reminder that the super soft hoodie, Jean, J-E-A-N, uh, everyone asked for hoodies for a long time. So it's on sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please go to my site, TomSegura.com, click on the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can see the, the, uh, the new hoodie, the jean hoodie in addition to the other


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, shirts that we have. Thank you for your support on that, and, uhm, Jeans, congratulations again. Uh, you have a special coming, and more details will be announced for that. Uh, it's gonna be coming up pretty soon, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can see her on the road, getting ready for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black hooded sweatshirts. You're wearing that uh, chola LA one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm wearing the, uh, Jamie, young Jamie, powerful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, which I bought, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and we're wearing jeans. You're wearing dad-colored jeans. Let me, let me, again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Norah, I think that these genes speak for themselves and this attempt to make them seem like they're acceptable should be dismissed. I'll let you decide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, well wait a minute, how do you know about two?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the first one was like a little bit like, uh, the second one by the way, to say I gotta eat alone, you had finished everything on the plane, yes you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it was just, I mean come on, it was a follow-up like little treat. It wasn't like, this is what I'm eating right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I always want to make the point, the second one was a lot sloppier and messier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, travel, I made fitness, uhm, it was clean food, you know, it was healthy food, there was kale, there was some chicken, yeaah. I felt the farts coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she also, did you hear her, part of that where she said, or even taste his own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When do you meet, when is any sensible, reasonable guy be like, I mean, yeah, I'll taste it. No one does that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we're kinda making a leap on that because I did see something that said escort for her, but we don't 100%, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not openly. I mean, I'm sure we know it exists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As they're listening, they're like, I'm gonna write an email to these two. Delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure into it. But into their own cum is probably a smaller percentage. Into your own jizz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because that's not that, I mean there's definitely guys and girls that are into cum. Yeah. Tasting it, swallowing it. Cooking with it. That's not that, that's not that crazy. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be into your own, I think is a bit more of a stretch. Yeaah. Cause your own fluid and usually the thrill would be that it's a belonging to a sexual partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good, good point. It's just science. Could always just do uhm, fucking come run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we gotta run. Uhm, as always, thank you guys for listening to our show. Please...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I didn't even know this, but the, uh, we're lucky in that. Uh, super mature. DJ boy butter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's the one that did the Just Like The Gay song that I can't stop playing. I mean, I play it on my phone all the time. It's so good. You know that song, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think here, I'm so into that song that I have it, I'm memorizing the episode it was in, this is his.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's his. It's really good. He submitted another song. Okay. Featuring, this is DJ Boi Butter, featuring MacSF.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we are going to go Facebook live right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So thanks again for listening and here is that song. We'll see you next week. Bye, Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'd like to see what the argument is. She looks like a her, and I don't want to presume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somewhere in the middle, okay? I've heard of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, okay. But then how does it change? Oh, you're here to find out. That's the part I don't get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, but does that mean that I'm identifying more mass, male, masculine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the problem, is that the demand that the external world match the internal world, that you refer to me as my chosen pronoun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what all that is? I learned that as an undergrad in philosophy. The performative aspects. These are all fancy words for like what it looks like is what she said. Performative aspects.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is 100% academic nonsense that nobody in the real world understands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, um, I remember in philosophy they would say like, the discursive reasoning, and you're like, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, we're pretty good at it. Yeaah, definitely. I remember I read a book once on ocular centrism, which meant that because we all see the world through our eyes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it's your brain that's deficient. I think it's that if you lived in the bubble of academia long enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They all speak the same bullshit language, and that's what, this is an unfortunate product of the academic, the ivory tower, the system that tells you everything is validated, everything is merited and warranted, and this is dogshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or it's like, hey, I'm goth, or I'm grunge, or it's like what music used to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Can I tell you why I think it's kinda bullshit? Cause on That's Deep, bro, I put a very sincere call out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Asking for a non-binary person to come forward and talk about it on that steep road. I'm really curious, like, enlighten me if I'm wrong, if we're off base here, if I'm behind history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not one person has written to me. And that's thousands of people. And a lot of people listen to that show and every time I put a call out, hey, do you live off the grid? I get like ten off the gridders. Or were you in a cult? I got, you know, eight people who were in cults, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, this thing is a little not true, you know? And it's not ringing true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, gender dysphoria? Is that what I'm going through?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you think, and this is going to sound really stupid, and I admit it's just because I'm ignorant, yes, so save the angry emails, but isn't, isn't she kind of confused about her sexuality, even though sexuality and gender are two different things, I understand, isn't she really just a lesbian?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That gender and sexuality are two different things?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, maybe, maybe the real identity crisis is like, do I wanna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could be right. Maybe she needs to lick a few vagines and then she'll figure out her regenerative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I mean, how are the two not? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dummy, redneck. I tell ya, there's not been a lot of pushback on us for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and did they ask you what your pronoun was before you took the stage?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and I've had situations where they told me beforehand, you can't talk about sex, you can't talk about religion, you can't talk about drugs, you can't do alcohol or nothing. So what do we talk about? Baking cookies? Recipes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. What city, uh, would you like the best?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you going to do when you have to go to the Southwest? Will that, will that make you not like it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your dad called the other day and he was taking a shit as we were FaceTiming him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause we were, we were on the way to the mall, which has become our favorite new thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you were talking about how your dad is so good at being married that he's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The personality type that, it's a really good fit for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're disgusting. Now your dad, cause your dad probably would date a few people just to break that post marriage nut off, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he'll probably do that, but I just see him as a creature of habit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a thing, yeaah. And, and that's what they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you and I are though. Cause it lights out for me at 9.30 and then you're watching the movie full volume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the time. Now before we had a kid, you and I would do the Crate and Barrel weekend trip and that was a big part of our day. That was real exciting. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, we had a kid and now when you have a toddler, you gotta take that kid out every day. You can't stay home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well now, cause we park in, we used to park in front of Nordstrom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've been saying that too lately, that I became a Midwestern mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the coolest mom there is. I'm a cool mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I noticed that I've been saying, I say awesome and I give a thumbs up to stuff, which is that, that's super lame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if I say awesome sauce, I know that's the death of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that is my jam, but I've been saying that since the 90s. I feel like that is my jam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a place inside of Nordstrom, that cafe, we like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Indoor walking, especially when it's raining outside. He likes that. That'll chill him out. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't go to the park, you gotta do something with that kid, he can't stay indoors all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well because we've been hanging out at the mall all the time and now you start buying more things that you don't need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not how I talk, but the other day you wanted to buy fancy glasses, but LJ was having a meltdown and I said, well, we'll hold off. Let's come back tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I, what did I tell you? Take it back. I get very guilty and I don't like it and I get really weird about it. No, you shouldn't. You know that I don't accept, uh, gifts or love or kindness very easily. That's why FIFA and I are buddies. We're both shelter dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did, thank you. You love it. I love it. It's beautiful. It's a, it's a life piece. It's a life coat. Yeah. Yeah. Like I said, he goes, this is, this is one for your collection. This is a piece for your collection. I go, okay, the rest is the gap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is that communist upbringing though, because we didn't, I didn't, I wasn't raised that way, the American way, you just buy stuff, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, man. But here's the thing. When, when the nuclear Holocaust comes, guess who's going to fucking survive that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of my communist upbringing, I'm bred for tragedy. I'm bred for the emergency stuff, I'm telling you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, do you think if Anthony Hopkins got this, uhm, dialogue, got the text that he could make this exciting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the problem is, we don't have much time, we have to like, choose quickly, but there's not a lot of good options on the movies, on Netflix or iTunes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what we were, but that's what we look for. At the end of the day, we were hanging out with baby jeans on. You know, you're tired. You don't want to focus, so that's why we've been picking these kind of dopey movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we, we, so we rented Solace with Anthony Hopkins, who is the god of acting. That guy's amaze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they cast these supporting actors that were just not great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus the, the chick that's supposed to be the cop, she was super blonde and hot and her clothes were too tight. Like she wore like the, the button down, but it was so tight and her pants were so tight. It was like, oh, so distracting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I remember there was one scene between Anthony Hopkins and the other guy, the supporting actor, and half the fucking frame is the couch, the cushion, half the fucking shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Using his psychic powers. I like that kind of stuff, you know, but... Yeah. It's not good. Ugh, so fucking lame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's neat. Oh, it's a, it's a non-profit sausage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the chick is, I mean she's lovely to look, she's very pretty, but it was so like, bitch, you ain't no cop. Not like the cops I've seen in LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was too, he didn't look like a cop either. That's weird. And I fell asleep through that one too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we were looking at, we were so desperate that we even considered a Vin Diesel movie. And it had a 13% rotten tomatoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 1-3, 13% approval rating or whatever. And I thought, well this has to be the dumbest thing ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Witch Hunter, that's the Vin Diesel movie. And I thought, you know, I've never watched a Vin Diesel movie. I may as well give it a try. He can't be that bad. He's, you know, he's in everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like witches, I, you know, I can tolerate Vin Diesel if it's a good enough movie. I like that movie with the rock, the one where the big earthquake happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You will be hunted, get it? There's witches and then there's hunters and he's the witch hunter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We watched that Khloe Kardashian show a while back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're right. I'm not a huge Kardashian fan, but that show Revenge Body we watched was okay. It's like people getting into shape to get revenge on somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally rando, D-movie, lifetime movie of the week stuff on there, where you're like, wait, what, who's quality controlling this shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is very fat and his suits don't fit him well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it L I apostrophe L for Lil? Lil?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta see him. Yeah. The whole joke is the look. He looks fantastic. What joke? Oh, sorry. I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really fess up to it, so he must be proud of it. I dunno. They don't really, they don't ever admit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, at least not all the shows you forced me to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the killers go, well, I didn't really do that. They'll admit to like one or two things. Yeah, I killed my mom, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, Feev is so cute. Look how he's sleeping on me right now this whole time. He is the kissiest person in this house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd say actually, Bitsy's kissier than Feef. Like she demands the kisses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's super kissy. You however, not very kissy. Why do you say that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No! You're not kissy at all. You're anti-kissy. You're Jeffrey Dahmer kissy. You're not kissy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I gotta walk, I got some shit to do. Is that normal that our son just like, doesn't want the kisses?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think it's normal, right? The toddlers at age, they're just like, meh. They don't know yet that kissies are awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That it would take off the way it has. It started as something you and I just did as a joke for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That forever ruins stamina for me. Now I have to really always think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said that to me too, not, Christina, not any of Ellis, do you understand why I just love Tommy so much? That's such a cute little shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing that he's been with a Spanish speaker for 40 years and he doesn't really... He speaks beautiful Spanish, is that what you're gonna say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we should have him just read some common Spanish phrases.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your dad is so uhm, he just hates adapting to any other culture. It's so interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, he doesn't want to see any other country, cause like, it's inconvenient, right? Is that what it is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think my dad's, uh, the same way though, like he only goes to certain kinds of countries, like the Philippines or Thailand, I mean for the culture, but like he wouldn't go to, uh, Europe now for culture either. He's over it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he likes it cause they speak English. Everything's smaller though, it's still Europe. I know, but I think-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know where he might actually enjoy going? Is Berlin. Cause it's all Hitler shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the food's weird, the ketchup doesn't taste right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He crosses his arms, and then he crosses his arms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he lays down, but he still wears his khakis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh right, yeaah, I've seen that. Boxers and shirt. Socks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's told me that before too. He doesn't like talking to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I've seen him do it at parties. He did it one time at cousin, cousin Jeanette's, uhm, when we were on that boat, where the Cincinnati fart happened. It was right before the Cincinnati fart. We were talking, he and I, and I saw him walk away from countless people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you've had it done to you your whole life. So when you do it to somebody else, it's like, oh, I fell into that trap. I fucking did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, my dad's pretty callous with people too. I remember, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When my dad and I were at my mother's apartment cleaning it out when she died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my mom got a phone, my mother's phone rang and it kept ringing so he picked it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was one of her friends, you know, and uh, and my dad just goes, uh, he just dead. Okay, gotta go. Bye bye. And just hung up on this woman who was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least your dad's like entertaining and he can kind of plug in. My dad's just like straight narcissist, you know, just no one else's needs register ever. No one else exists in his world. Just my dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, it's his world. And if you're not catering to it, he's got no interest in you. Just no interest. Even Ellis, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's brutal, right? Well, cause, uh, cause I'd come home from my workouts with her and I'm like, dude, I did like fucking prison pushups today. Like she'll have you do it on like the side of the bar, like just fucking prison do it. And it's hard, dude. My, my muscles collapse when I'm doing this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know bro. I know I had bad sciatica since I had Ellis. And this has helped so much because you strengthen all your core muscles and it helps your alignment. Dude, like I'll just walk up the stairs now like holding Ellis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I used to do that like ten times a day too in our old house. And now I just feel like I can fly up there. It's so much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You build your strength fairly quickly. Like when I first came to her, I never planked in my life. Ever. I don't fucking plank. Don't make me do it. You saw him. I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I can do one minute like it's nothing. I don't even feel a one minute plank by the end of two minutes. I'm like, all right, I'm uncomfortable now. Like I don't like doing this anymore, but I mean, it happened pretty quickly too. Like your strength gets really, gets there quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very alive look. It looks, it looks terrifying. It looks very ghoulish and terrifying. I would say, pop play is less ghoulish and terrifying than this living doll crap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how there's just a gaggle of these horrifying men in these women costumes going out to a bar like it's anything normal. Like it's remotely acceptable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, god damn it. Why do I have to see this shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite is, did you see when he tried to force the straw in between his doll lips and he was like, ehh, ehh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, if you wanna pass for a woman, then just be a dude who wears makeup, like try to feminize, like this is just creepy, this isn't even, you look like a fake woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so confusing, it's even, it's confusing for adults to look at. I'm confused, I'm not sure what the allure is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, doesn't this make you miss the non-binary opening clip?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think either he's touched or he's on drugs. Like he's tweaking on something and he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't either. Unless I knew this kid, like, but let's say that's the kid that's known for being a little special or touched, and like, here comes Ron Ron, and he's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so much to the story we don't know. So much. If you could just write in and let us know if you're the guy taking a shit. Well we need to know what happens before and after the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be, I'd be so alarmed I would not be able to laugh. I'd be like, excuse me, uhm, uhm, I'm taking a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very boundary stepping. It's very upsetting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and you know, especially when you're in a stall, you think you're safe. That's why you lock it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, February 17th, I'm headlining the Hollywood Improv. Uh, Mary Lynn Rice Cub will be joining me and some other friends too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] February 18th Flappers Comedy Club, I'm headlining that one. April 13th through 15th, Brea at the Brea Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, May 4th and 5th, Fartnicks, Arizona, Stand Up Live. May 19th and 20th, New York Shitty at Gotham Comedy Club. I just added Denver, June 1 through 3, Denver Comedy Works, Downtown. And then June 16th and 17th, Manfriend Disco at the Punchline. Come see me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I love you. Oh yeah, Amazon. We've added the UK banner on our website, yourmomshousepodcast.com. You can shop Canada, Amazon, UK, Amazon, United States, Amazon using our banners. Thank you for those that have already done it and please continue to do so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should go again. Yeaah. We should go again. Again. Again. Come. I don't want to share my cookies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? And then they're like, you have to share your cookies. I don't want to share my cookies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember one time, she was like, oh my god, Jeff and I did it, and it just come pouring out of me for like days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy, would you marry your dad? Yeah, there it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everywhere, every mall. It was always on- the video was always on MTV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't talk. To make it mainstream, that incorporated like a pan flute? Is that what that was? That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he became president just for the Twitter followers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, yea, a little too much. Do you think he'll dial it back now that he's the prez?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what's absurd though is that he constantly lies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, remember the ticket thing you were telling me about this morning, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's a reality star and he's really good at that. Like that's a good lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is, you know, actually a pretty decent approach to be taking, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just thought we should announce at the top of the show why not on the 12th of February we have a 9 o'clock show added to your mom's house live in Irvine and we're having special guest Yoshi Obayashi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you guys did your special fat loss trip together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So did I. Well, let's see what time it was. It was around 8am. Yea, 8 o'clock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is, first of all, can we just talk about morning drinking? Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think there's anything more disgusting and anything I could do less than drink alcohol at eight in the morning. I just physically couldn't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, so he has so many miles from like probably doing the Travel Channel shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he just racked up the diamond diamond medallion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course you do. You're very elitist. You love every- yes. You love everything elitist. Everything that separates you from the masses, the scum of the earth. You love it. You do love feeling special. See, look at the smile on your face right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and I joke half when I say that you enjoy elitism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like you. Like I, I like, I like the one they happen, but only because you make them happen. And then I flog myself with Eastern Bloc guilt that like, should I enjoy this? Do I deserve this? Like I can't just enjoy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice things. So uhm, you go there, there's a guy in the glove.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shut up! There's a secret elevator at LAX.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause when you're used to not eating to the point of being disgustingly full anymore, I know. It's destructive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, now you're sick. Now you're coming down with a cold. But, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never morose, never sullen, never angry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look how skinny your face. You look fantastic. Look how good you look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what was the best is that you and I went to the dentist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awww, a couple of skinny bears. You guys holding?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I asked if you guys were gonna share a room and then share a bed. Yeah. And he said you're gonna do the S where one guy stays on top of the sheet, one guy stays on the other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, really? And he listens to the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh, you should know better. Leanne, we gotta get on, Leanne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, do we have the dental update theme song anymore?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do I not know? I told you, I told you I had a topic run down and I told you we were going to do dental updates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so grouchy today. It's cause you're not feeling well. I know. I know, Jeans, but you just, we gotta get through it and you'll be okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we have to discuss the Jack Reacher sequel after we do our dental updates, uh, cause I tapped out about 30 minutes in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, dental update music? No. Oh, how long is it gonna take you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so clean now still. And you have to spend money on the preventative end so that you don't end up spending $10,000 when it's- That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, gum grafts and whatever root canals and crap. Don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, we had a pocket. It was $200 for both of us to get our, our foops, our foops cleaned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he tells me, cause this is the first time we've been to the dentist, so they do a full exam, they check your gums for, they check your mouth for mouth cancer, they check your, your gums for bleediness, health, the healthfulness of your gums.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so the assistant takes down numbers and he says anything one, two or three is considered normal and they go through every single gum area and all I heard


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All I heard was one, one, one, one, one, two, two, two, one, one, one, one, maybe like two threes around my crowns. That's not my fault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did the cleaning, it was so quick for me. You know, I just laid down, it was done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, and oh no, and I asked him, I go, in all seriousness, if you had to grade my teeth, the condition of my mouth today, what would you give me as a letter grade? And he kind of chuckled and he said, A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did. He gave me an A. Now I lied to you and I said A+, I was joking, but he did give me an A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, you have very little plaque. He goes, you have like no stains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck my stoma. He said I can tell. He said that? He said I can tell. Now here's the one thing that sucks. I'm gonna have to redo one of the crowns that I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not my fault, it's because the dentist that did it the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the gum line, and I'm having food caught in it, and that can, uh, be infected, even though that's been root canaled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to replace the crown so that it's flush with the, uh, other teeth. Not my fault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't say Allah, I said one crown replaced, that's through no fault of my own faulty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you got in the chair and I said, I'm going to apologize for my husband in advance because he's got filthy dog teeth that need cleaning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa, I got a totally different treatment because my teeth weren't covered in plaque.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I don't think he did, cause I was there and I could overhear what you guys were saying and I didn't hear that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do look so much wider right now. Like- Smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something stupid that I've been doing? That you and I have been doing together? That I just, it just occurred to me how dumb?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So every, every day you and I have this routine where we go to bar stocks in the afternoon and I get an iced tall Americana with a splash of half and half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I do it because I figure it's a cold drink and I can drink through a straw and the straw will protect my veneers from getting stained with coffee. Right? Cause I think like Rachel Zoe does that or something. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what I didn't really put together for the last two months, every time I drink that drink, it hurts my stomach so bad. Like it hurts so bad. And it's too strong a coffee and it makes me angry and anxious. And I get like really, really fucking crazy on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly! Exactly! It's like I- I keep drinking it, I know it hurts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, it keeps hurting and then I keep doing it. Cause the thing is, when I order a hot drink, it doesn't hurt my stomach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't give me that. So what I should be doing is ordering a hot drink and just drinking with a straw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It hurts so much, and I always just like, chalk it up to like, well that's coffee, that's coffee for ya, I guess it just hurts your stomach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember for the longest time we only had like one iPhone charger in the house? Yeaah. And we're like, wait, we can buy two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm talking about like long term, like right now the toothpaste, the Aquafresh that I ordered on Amazon, it's not the right one. But because I ordered like six tubes, I keep, I just insist on using it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or maybe it's the immigrant thing. Ugh, god. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We never got much feedback on, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My feeling is, cause the feedback's pretty strong on all our bits. Like zero feedback on this one.


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[Assistant] Maybe, maybe she had a few, yeaah, she sees what she wants to see.


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[Assistant] You know what this reminds me of? I'm beginning to doubt your commitment to sparkle motion. She's that type, right? In Donnie Darko. She's the, you know.


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[Assistant] The big child advocate, the dance mom. Now that was an English accent and I wanted to...


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[Assistant] Uhm, last week we did the roadman accent.


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[Assistant] And we- I asked what is- I asked him. I asked him what a roadman is.


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[Assistant] So roadman is the UK equivalent of homies from the hood in the US. The reason they call them roadman is because in London slang,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be in the area slash hood slash on the street, they say, are you on road?


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[Assistant] It has only recently become a popular term in the last few years because of UK hip hop and grime music.


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[Assistant] Cockney has almost but disappeared from London and has been replaced by roadman dialect. Very interesting.


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[Assistant] When the fuck did this heart with your hand thing start? And it's so fucking lame.


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[Assistant] Is that the one where the celebrity designs the heart jewelry? She's like...


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[Assistant] By the way, somebody just emailed us asking, what do you call small sloppers? Because they say that they enjoy our big slopper terms, so what would you call a pair of high and tights like this?


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[Assistant] Can I tell you something? If you were this, uh, passionate with me, we wouldn't last. Like it's so uncomfortable. It's so uncomfortable.


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[Assistant] And I, I feel like maybe you could manufacture it?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but what is the deal with people, this type of personality that has to do everything meaningfully?


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[Assistant] See, I go to, I see this massage therapist lady who's really talented and really good at what she does.


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[Assistant] But sometimes her sincerity makes me really uncomfortable.


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[Assistant] Like I pay you money just to give me a nice back rub.


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[Assistant] Well, cause she, I don't like it, like, you know, I'm gonna touch her heart chakra out.


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[Assistant] So I don't know if this means anything to you, but I had this energy of Wilma Flintstone. I swear to God, she said that to me last time that I don't know why. Does Wilma Flintstone mean anything to you? And I go, no.


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[Assistant] Like I like that stuff, but I don't like chakra touches. I don't like healing touches. It just makes me like, ugh.


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[Assistant] But you've had that person before, right, who gives the long meaningful hug, the soul hug.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, I do too. I'm a hugger, but I'm not like a soul hugger. Like these people are like...


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[Assistant] She's mashing her mushy purples up against him. Here's my favorite move from a guy.


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[Assistant] Get high on your natural supply. Come pay $600 to sit through my fucking workshop. That's a big racket, that workshops.com.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but that's an- Oh, that's an over voiceover. It's not me. Listen to it again.


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[Assistant] But then, then you're fucking bummed out when you go to sleep. It's negative.


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[Assistant] And it's kinda neat that they named it Jack Reacher so everybody can call it Jack Reacheround.


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[Assistant] They're acting. Like you can tell, there's so much acting going on.


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[Assistant] My favorite is he breaks into, uhm, military police prison.


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[Assistant] And also, there is one part that I, this is where I tapped out, is when uhm, he goes, you can't arrest me, I'm a civilian now. I'm not, I used to be a major, and he says about 500 times in the first 50 minutes, I used to be a major, I'm not. And they go, really? Well, did you read code 10.5T of the 7H Henry? And you're like,


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[Assistant] Well, and I think the biggest thing that they didn't address in this film is, when does he masturbate?


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[Assistant] Well, and why couldn't they just go to the sheriff's office and arrest him? Why do they have to set up that whole cafeteria thing? I don't know. It was so weird.


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[Assistant] Never met her before, I know. Now, I will say, Tom Cruise, who has looked a maze for the last 50 years, I think his face is finally sliding off.


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[Assistant] I, look, and I, he's in incredible shape. I think the guy looks like a, what is it? Brick shed house?


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[Assistant] But the face is starting to slide down. It's riding off.


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[Assistant] Cause he doesn't do Mission Impossible anymore. Does he do those movies? No.


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[Assistant] It could be our television because we have a high-def TV, and I do notice you look way worse on that high-def boy.


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[Assistant] Very unforgiving, high definition television. Boy oh boy.


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[Assistant] She did and then she denied it, I think, and that's, you know, I don't know why people deny.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I remember we watched this trailer and we were debating on which dumb thing to watch the other night and you go, oh well that's definitely dumb.


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[Assistant] Alright, I'm done. I'm tapped down already, I'm bored. Well, we get to watch part 2 tonight. But that John Wick 2 is going to be a good one.


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[Assistant] No, but I've got a neat update. Uhm, I've been getting texts about ITIS.


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[Assistant] Yeah, itis, and then salameh.


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[Assistant] That was fucking terrible. Can I read an email update I got on eating brown?


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[Assistant] You know, we brought up the hammock clip, which was, uh, what's that guy's name? McAfee?


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[Assistant] The famous guy that invented anti-virus, whatever the fuck. He has women in Guatemala, is it, or Belize?


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[Assistant] Sit in hammocks with holes cut out of the bottom and they shit into his mouth.


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[Assistant] Well, doesn't that make him sick to eat brown? And so we got a couple of emails from some health professionals they thought you'd want to hear. Ready?


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[Assistant] Hey Jeans, after hearing a few of your podcasts about these disturbing behaviors, I had to look it up. I've actually seen people exhibit these behaviors, but that's because I'm a nurse in a prison for max security psych inmates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He then wrote messages on the walls with said crayons. At least once a month, an inmate is eating their own shit. To answer whether you get physically ill, I have never seen any of them get sick from it. There you go. And uhm,


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[Assistant] Hold on we got another one. Tom and Christina, I'm a support worker and one of my clients eats his own brown and is medically well. He eats it every day.


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[Assistant] Support, maybe that's from another country. Maybe, why don't I just Google it?


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[Assistant] Support workers can work in a residential care home domiciliary care or out in the community. Their work is defined by a care plan, which is often developed by a social worker. Okay. God, I was turning into the fucking Evie Mike guy there for a minute reading that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, February 17th and 18th, I'm in LA, I'm headlining the Hollywood Improv, February 17th, February 18th, Flappers Comedy Club, April 13th through 15th, Brea Improv, May 4th and 5th, Fartniks Arizona, May 19th and 20th, Jew Dork Titties at the Gotham Comedy Club,


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[Assistant] June 16th and 17th, Man Fran Disco at the Punchline Comedy Club and with jeans on February 12th.


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[Assistant] Oh, also, we're proud to announce that we have added Amazon UK.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To your mom's house podcast dot com if you want to use that when you shop in Amazon in Canada, UK and the United States. Click on our banners.


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[Assistant] I want to read this email before I forget. Oh yea, go ahead. I think it's fantastic.


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[Assistant] The subject says, no other man like Tom, and in parentheses, not true.


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[Assistant] Her name is Talon, I think, or Talon, forgive me, Talon.


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[Assistant] He does this when I am fresh out of the shower and standing on one leg trying to put my other foot in my underwear.


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[Assistant] Yeah, my husband definitely treats me like a 10 year old boy and all I can say is men like these only make our personality stand out stronger.


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[Assistant] Now you got angry with me because an email I wrote in asking if you sneeze and burp at the same time, is that considered something? No, sneezing a burp was this, this email.


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[Assistant] No, but a lot of people have asked that too. Is that something special? Does that get a name?


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[Assistant] But that, I feel like that is a rare occurrence too. I don't sneeze a whole lot.


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[Assistant] But I don't have that here. Oh, can I, may I make a case for sneezing and farting please? May I? Because when you sneeze, you clench your sphincter. Okay. You're clenching. So for a fart to come out and make sound at the same time as the sneeze, maybe that is a harder feat because you're the clenching naturally wants to happen.


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[Assistant] It's not the same. That, that I'm a stickler the way you are about sneezing and farting. It's not special.


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[Assistant] Well, you know is in a different category than you know what I'm saying. You're talking about feel me. It's different. It's all different.


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[Assistant] I agree, cause this guy knows how to live long. He knows what he's talking about. I don't take risks. Risk averse.