[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a lot of times when we sit down, you know, server will come over, you know, waters, you guys want something to drink, people order, and then I'll be like, excuse me, uhm, would you mind throwing in these appetizers, like, to get us started? Cause we're hungry. Yeah, and then we'll order our entrees in a bit. Like, 99% of the time, they're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A few times, including last weekend. I was like, uh, could you throw these in? And the guy goes, uh, we actually like to, um, take everybody's order, like everyone order all at once. And then I'll put in the appetizer and entrees, uh, then. And is that all right? And I go, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, what do you mean? I go, well, I'm, we're really hungry. So I don't want to wait until you take everybody's order. I want you to order this now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, I'll see what I can do. I'm like, is this a different restaurant than other restaurants? Like, do you mean the universal standard for ordering and cooking doesn't apply here? And then guess what? He came back. I was able to do it. I was like, great. We'll order our entrees in a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy did it to me in, in, uh, Jersey too, where he was like, let's wait till everybody, he goes, let's wait till everybody gets here. Cause we had people coming before you are. And I go, absolutely not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, what? And I go, I go, we're not waiting for them to get here. Order this because this is what I want to order now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once dip? We gotta know if they're gonna have chicken or salmon after that. What sense does this make?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took a stand, I've taken a stand every time it's happened. And I feel like it's kind of the equal flex of like a security guard who goes like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, like you can't be, like, it's trying to flex their power. I'm not going to open the gate right now. And you're like, what? What? We're here to, we need to get in here. And they're, they're just showing you, like, I feel like those servers are just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, I kinda respect it because I've been with people who are, their substitutions are egregious and it is, it's almost offensive to listen to them try to, like, you're like, you know what, at this point you should just go to the fucking grocery store with what you're asking this guy to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, substitution. But uh, so when someone's like, I don't like onions and they're like, no subs, it's like, well, I mean, you know, you're not going to allow somebody to modify just like something they don't like. They're already in it. They're in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I order salmon a lot, and then they'll be like, how would you like your salmon? I'll go medium rare, and they're like, chef will be happy about that. So they're like, chef will know there's someone who knows. And you're waiting for it every time you order salmon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right. And I'll actually be like, what does chef think of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the only time he's ever, like I looked at him and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was we were at, we were at a restaurant where they had genuine A5 Wagyu, like Japanese Wagyu. And they're like, and how would you like it? And I go, he was like, uh, however they like it. I was like, you're not doing it to this, but yeah. And I asked him though, cause it's always interesting people's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Preferences in all types of things, but like let's say especially in food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, why do you like it? Like, there's gotta be an origin story to liking it like this. And there what? There is. It's that as a kid, his dad liked the stuff, like steak, like, bleeding, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically raw meat. Right. And I think like was like encouraging eating that. So he just went the opposite way. He went to an extreme because he was given an extreme. Okay. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad, I didn't know that like A1 sauce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, just doused on your steak means that you're like a fucking hillbilly. Like I didn't know that until I was like in my twenties because that was like, it's just how you're raised, right? So like that was my dad's standard was just like, so I was just like, oh poor. Then you realize that if you're eating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've grown to like, dislike it, but I remember once we went to this, uh, Argentine place in L.A. La La's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a small, there's a few of them in LA. So when I was like in my twenties, that was, you know, when you get to a city and you're like, I don't know a place. I don't know. And LA is like overwhelmingly big. So if like my parents came to town, I would only know a few places like let's go here. It'd be like, it's a nice restaurant. It's not a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, $200 a plate, but it's like, it's, it's a nice sit down experience and they, and the Argentines are known for steak. So we sit down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my dad is- Sounds like an SNL sketch. My dad's so clueless he's like, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, is there a problem with the steak? And my dad's like, no. He's like, you want A1 sauce? He's like, yeah. He's like, so you want to ruin the steak?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, they had it. They had it. They had it. And then, I mean, and then he didn't, it didn't affect him when he was like, mm-hmm. And then, you know, as I got older, I would take him to like, fucking,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so that's so dumb. Did I miss a piece of the information? The context is that my dad was on the hospital board for awhile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he always had like, you know, he'd always tell like bureaucratic bullshit like, you know, he'd talk about like the gaps in healthcare and all these things and he would, he would just have all these stories about like what's going on in medical care. And so, but he also had like a real gift for just bringing up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, uh, they burned this woman's vagina with this, uh, chemical. And then we were all like, what? And she was, they're supposed to use this stuff. And they put, and so we got, we had to write her a big check for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like how do you guys do the show at this point with how well rec, like you guys, the show is airing 24-7, like the fucking Staten Island Ferry, 365, on multiple channels, you can't like not see your show. So how do you pull off, like is it disguises?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did it one time, not your show obviously, but I did uhm, I'd love to come on your show. We're doing guests now. Yeah, I would love to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I did a, a friend was, had a, a hidden, like a camera prank and it made it to the, like he asked me to come in and basically play a part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I, I played the, I was just in this store, like, like I was a regular patron, but I knew to be there, to be on this thing. The guy was just really disappointed that, that he got, he feels like I tricked him. You know, cause I wasn't a genuine, I wasn't a genuine guy. I just pretended, and I got on this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing is that, so it shows, you can see the guys and they're like, they're like looking at each other and looking at the guy and they're like, no, this will be on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what happens. And they're like, well, when will it come off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those guys are horrible. I only saw that clip. I saw the clip of the, the post scene. So the girl is just like, they're like, ah, what do you think of this? And she was just like, oh, something like, uh, you know, this isn't going to be like shown places. And they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Like, you see the cameras, and she's like, yeah, but like, where will it be? And they're like, on the internet. Just like, on the internet. Forever. And she's like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you guys ever go like, let's take this ride, this fame for a ride, this uh, impractical joker, like, let's just see if we can get a girl to, you know, sample all four flavors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what's going on there, but yeaah. So at that moment, like, uhm, she said, like, you guys were all guessing, and then she's like, I'm a clinical psychologist, whatever, a therapist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, anytime, anytime you want. Thanks, Alarcona. Don't forget, uh, go to ThompsonGro.com to pre-order the book. Don't forget to go to ChristinaPOnline.com for tickets, tickets, tickets, you're on tour, you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My name is Thomas Meyer and I'm 41 and I'm looking for a woman who will be my hun. I'm looking for a woman I can love all my life. A woman who will agree to be my wife. Phew. This shit is big time! Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Yo mama in the fucking stand!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See these wires? You just got your job there, buddy. It's baby-maker on your face, close, okay? Ta-ta there, retard. You didn't follow Proto, buddy, you're done. Catch my camera through the face, you faggot. That's not there, retard. You fucking retard. How do you get a job here, you fuckface? Ta-ta there, retard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wanna be horny for two or three hours, like you've never been in your life, and you have access to marijuana too. Good weed. Listen to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on my computer watching gir- women wrestling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also didn't have sex, he said he hasn't had sex in a long, long time, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, have you not been eating uhm, five pound lavas? You've been...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I used to do? When I was 26 and depressed, cause like, I just didn't know what I was doing with my life, I would eat an entire pint of Haagen-Dazs chocolate ice cream every night. And then be in excruciating pain cause of the gas, it would get trapped under my ribs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I do it every night, and like I can't, I can't sleep, but that ice cream is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not. It's like that, uhm, what year was it? We were our brokest, and we were eating Trader Joe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the year before we got married, remember? And we, what were we making? Soufflés, chocolate soufflés.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, remember when we had our taxes done that year? And then he goes, you did okay this year. And he points to me and he goes, you, I don't know how you're alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She ate the whole plate. She ate the whole tray. That was our last box of spanakopita too. I was real upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, you really r- oh, you know what I used to love? Those Italian square cookies. It goes wafer, chocolate, wafer, chocolate, wafer. I used to fuckin' eat the whole bag of those. It came in like a navy-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're trail mix, the heavenly one with the peanut butter chips and the chocolate chips. It's like, that's like 5,000 calories too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I knew we were way so we were talking about world affairs at one point. Like what's, what's NATO? I was like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what's really neat is like, I think he should have led with the nurse thing first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can? Just by his general demeanor, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an unusual one, I've never heard somebody, cause to admit that you don't like classical is kind of admitting that you're dumb. Because classical music is often associated with being intelligent. So you're basically like, I don't want no smart talk and no good stuff here. All dumb shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gingivitis. There's a lot of bacteria in there. Have you ever known anybody with bleedy red gums? It's so awful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, by the way, if your teeth are real jagged like that, you can't fit the perfect smile over that. Cause we've tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's actually really hard to keep them in and to fit, like, and you know what they tell you to do is to melt the glue. There's glue, right? There's a glue strip and they're like, melt the glue and then shape it to your real teeth. And I was like, fuck you, I'm not gluing this to my, and I have veneer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you come. Don't keep your mouth shut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, by the way, before we, uhm, were rolling, what are we talking about? Like, you somehow got on to, you were banging a cheer- oh, we were doing a cheer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're saying that you banged a cheerleader that got thrown around a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, can I tell you what I caught myself doing the other day? Yeah. I bought a sweater and I looked at the label and it said Made in Tunisia and it made me angry. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yes. I physically, like, I, it was so irrational, I was like, fuck Tunisia, fuck that whore. And I got mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He always reminisces about the one hooker that he banged in Tunisia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who didn't use birth control so you were so- super stoked you could just bust nuts inside of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know that she was like some fucking dirty townie and she didn't wash her box and you really liked that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that. I wish I could look like that. God, I wanna look like I'm on drugs like that. It looks so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A leather bathing suit is not porous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but listen, so if it's not porous, it doesn't breathe well on your body parts. Did her meow smell a little gamey because it was encased in leather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. What was it like? No, it wasn't like that. No, it was worse. No, no, it was- Keenie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it, okay? She's a pig. She's derelict.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What color hair does she have? Orange. Grey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did that turn you off? The armpit hair? Did you even? Very much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you, and I was buying like, yoga pants and stuff on this website, and there are fucking chunkers on there now. Like, in the regular people's department. I'm like, no dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everybody in the comments, there's such fucking liar faces, like someone sent me a post yesterday, it was like skinny jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it was like a real fat lady in skinny jeans, and it looked terrible. Of course it does. It was all rolls and bad. And it was like, this is great, this is what we need to see, regular bodies, this is what somebody's body looks like. I'm like, somebody, but not the model, Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you know that as a regular, like if you're a thinking person, you know that like, oh, the model wearing that, that's how that's gonna look on her. And then you calibrate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know that like, in your, uh, walk around sometimes wearing clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That don't fit, but I'll be like, in my head I'm still the model. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I, it doesn't matter whether or not I do look like her. In my mind, I'm happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like on the runway or on regular stuff you see fat cells and like this is not normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I'm telling you. Really? If you go on like the Adidas website too,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like aloe, or like any normal site, like to buy regular things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they throw it in there now, like your- or go to like leggings. You'll fucking die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same on the far right. I don't want to look like that. That's why I'm here, shopping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing, people are gonna be like, gosh, how do you guys judge? You're not super skinny. Of course not. But here's the thing, we didn't choose professions that require us to be super skinny. I'm not a flight attendant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the older, uglier, fattier, uglier, fatter you are, I stammer because I'm so hungover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for sure. Yeah, that's true. I could go on, but I won't. I'm gonna take a pitch though, cause I drank so much water cause I was so dehydrated. Okay. Do you have to go pee-pee too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you feel run down, it's extremely important to stay hydrated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Making hydration a priority helps us feel better on a day to day basis. Listen, we are a liquid IV home. I love it. Uh, you just put one stick of liquid IV in 16 ounces of water and they taste fantastic. I love the strawberry flavor and it hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It contains five essential vitamins B3, B5, B6, B12, and vitamin C with three times the electrolytes of traditional sports drinks and it's made


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grab Liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco, or you can get 25% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use code YMH at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order when you use promo code YMH at liquidiv.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Experience better hydration today at LiquidIV.com, promo code YM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, I pushed real hard. So I had a thought, too, when I was making pi- uh, pisci.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think this is only an American thing too, where we're like, yay, you're fat, like we're celebrating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. It had to look like shit. People tell you to your face, like, you look terrible. It's great. It really is the way to be. It is. So, I buy, uhm, in American brands. Are you listening to me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I buy American clothing, I'm like a size six or an eight, right? Usually six, six, eight. And then, uhm, when I buy European, I'm like morbidly obese. Like it's depressing. I don't fit into the equivalent. So their sizing is, is actually like a size six in Italy is way tinier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's exactly how I feel when I put it on. They're like, this is not for you, you're too fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's like so depressing because I want to wear these clothes and I can't fit into them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how it is in like fancier, upper end stores. Like, we don't carry a size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do too because they're like, we don't want you wearing it if you're not a certain size. I think that's why they do it, no? To keep the clothes probably looking better, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, in my upcoming special, which I'm not allowed to announce the date, but it's gonna come out soon-ish. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd prefer it to be a surprise. There's a lot of Easter eggs in the special for mommies and I want them to find the Easter eggs. There's a lot of things I say that are like throwaways that are just for YMH people. But I blatantly fat shame him and they don't seem to mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what if we always said that the video is not worth it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, please send this in if this guy's been courting you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prove it. It says prove it. But I don't think it's gonna work for him. Okay, anyway, why won't this work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that guy I know you're talking about is extremely sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And gentle and actually very endearing and has warmth and depth behind his eyes. That guy, there's no warmth or depth or like, like eugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With lady parts, yea. Wow. That is so cool. Thank you for sharing. I love these. I'm always mystified by this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause your friend that you're talking about is not psychotic. He's not. I think he really loves girls. He just loves women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, here's why he's right. He's helping people who have delusion. You know what I'm saying? Like, if you think of yourself a certain way, and you're like, I deserve to have the guy that's like, fit, the nurse guy. This is back to like, the opening clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, how many millionaires do you see with like, schlubby...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have to see the whole package. What are you saying? Let's see the, we have to see our body and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you know, because what I do like about him is what we always said on those dating shows, it's always the women that are like, I just can't find anybody because my standards are too high. It's like, no, you're delusional. You think that you're so amazing that nobody can live up to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's kind of like the service he does. I hate rating people on a number scale. That's so gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's also good, cause I don't know, did you also go through a shame thing? Like after you bang somebody and then you get the fix and then you're like, ugh, I'm a piece of shit. Like you, it's like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's more of that, right? Yeaah. So what are you, what are you substituting for that? Like now it's just like the career's going great, so now I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's such comfort in the mundane. And I think, I think that was the hardest for me to sit still and be with babies too. Cause it's fucking boring sometimes. You're like, Jesus Christ, I can't. And then you just realize like it is those little things. Like, oh my gosh, our kid could write his name today. He couldn't do that yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I do feel that we all collectively did get happier here. Like Chris Larson, I don't know if he's in the booth, but I mean that guy maybe said five words to me in like the seven years or something that I've known him. And here, like he's so much happier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I think the Pandy bummed us out. The Pandy was so... So I did the Gramercy too. I shot mine January 22nd. At the Grammy? Yeah, it was so great. But I felt that New York City was depressed. I felt the energy. I was like, oh, this isn't the great New York City. And I bought them all a shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Or a black dick donut. Like a cake, a heavy one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like your thinking, Chris. I agree with the theory. However, your anus is not as stretchy as your vagina. We all know this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So sorry, so Chris also has to have the orgasm by any means necessary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one? See, I'm gonna go opposite, cause I'm gonna eat my Brussels sprouts before I have my dessert. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I'm gonna do...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To make calm, maybe? Cause like, like pretty girls don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't do anything, I've heard. Like in bed, right? Like they don't work hard, they just kinda lay there, they're not very into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, maybe the ugo ones are like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easier. Maybe they're more down because they're like, dude, somebody's touching me. Like this is amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she might be the, yea, so she'll be like the easiest one for us, and then she's gonna be the hardest one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but, but she won't care. Cause it's about her getting her nut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The easiest, is it going to be the hot girl who might be kind of boring in bed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a question. I have a question. May I blow, they all have to be consecutive and in the same day or may I blow like the front row, take a break at Chili's, recuperate, come back, blow the second row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna take so long and your jaw's gonna hurt so bad. After Kareem alone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, as someone that's given Beejiz most of my adult life, it's work, bro. And to find out what makes each one of them come, this is 60 different guys. You're not blowing the same guy over and over. Every guy likes something different. You're gonna have to fucking figure out that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not gonna cut it for them, and maybe Chrissy, they don't like dudes, so maybe you're up against that as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're right. So maybe compared to you two pigs, I'll be like the belle of the ball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, looks like he's wearing a rubber. Is it? Pull it out. Oh god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what I like? He's wearing like a button down shirt and like a suit jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just ripped their entire toe off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, babe, babe, I'm not feeling good now. Can I go pee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. The mess had happened before she was married to Bill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do what I want with your fat ass. I'ma pass my tongue in your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my baby. Put some red draws again, and some black draws. Draws? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you got some booty, girl. Yeaah, you gonna put your booty in my feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, how y'all doin'? I'm cookin'. Oh yeaah, I'm cookin' beef. All the time. I love you mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm gonna put some hoes in these drawers. Hoes in your drawers? Get some air.


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[Assistant] With the, with the black bean suit on, I'ma eat your pussy too.


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[Assistant] Listen to the word of the Lord. She is the boss lady.


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[Assistant] Your daughter is the boss lady. Your daughter? She run the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Knock me down with a, with a big ass. But yeah, mom.


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[Assistant] I want, she got a chin and a neck. Yeaah, I want her ass. Imma eat her ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey yo, what's that? Merry Christmas. Yeah, my baby girl. She got a black and white shirt with some black hair. That's my baby girl. Hey my baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great, why, I mean, why, how do you, I don't even, just go to your, you, just go to your seat and shh, sit down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a real song. A guy made a hit.


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[Assistant] Okay, we don't play that shit on my channel.


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[Assistant] You get your big fat ass on somewhere then. I don't deal you big sassy ass broads.


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[Assistant] You think you can get out here and be like Danny's big ass, go knock yourself out. But I would be remiss to try to tell you as an image consultant and as a person and a professional that you can be 5'3 and weigh so much that you don't even want to tell somebody how much you weigh and think you gonna get a man to marry you. A high value man. So you go ahead.


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[Assistant] And go on back over and get your two-piece or three-piece or whatever you got coming from, you know, Chick-fil-A, Popeye's. Jesus Christ. Chick-fil-A all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess who just got fired? I did!


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[Assistant] Bloomin' onion, shrimp on a barbie. Yeah, all that shit's good.


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[Assistant] There's something beating trot out. There's something beating trot out. There's something, there's something.


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[Assistant] What the fuck do we have here, huh? What are you trying to talk to me for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, fuck you for what, dude? For fucking what? Huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can kiss my ass, bitch. What'd I do? I am working out silently. Asshole. Go fuck off. You see me working out, bitch? What am I doing wrong? Huh? Answer, dude. I'm gonna work out right now. What are you harassing me for?


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[Assistant] I've added new shows, April 30th in San Francisco, May 7th in North Charleston, South Carolina, and June 18th in Coachella, California. The tickets are all on sale at thompsongrove.com slash tour. It's here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's here, our NFT collection has dropped. Uh, this is the only time we've ever done this and we've partnered with Jam, J-A-M-B-B, uh, and this is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Moments from the over 600 episodes of Your Mom's House are now available for people that want to get into NFTs. I'm excited about NFTs. I think it's an awesome space to get into. And these are, like I said, like the most special moments in the history of the show. If you love Your Mom's House,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're in the NFT world, this is the, the meeting of the, of both, this is the marriage you wanted to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. The only part of it I don't get is hot showers. I don't understand how you don't get burned. Like I step into the shower and I'm like, holy shit. Like it's too hot to touch and you're like enjoying it.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I've got high tolerance for that. All kinds of fucking wrong ideas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels terrible, but you at least understand that I'm not like just saying it. You touch, you put your hand, you're like, oh my god. Fire. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It could be. I'm sure it plays a role. Yeah. Yeah. But I like, uh, I like a cool room, especially to sleep in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you wanna do the opening clip?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is an old viral video, but I never knew the context of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is a very, this was a very popular video, uhm, years ago. And I, I never knew like the story, I just remember him yelling at people which always made me happy. Yea. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I know, I saw this and I thought, I thought the same thing. I was just like, dude's drunk and you know, something happened not related to this. The story goes from this, so outside a club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] According to him, he had been called many times sugar gay. And when he hears it here, apparently somebody says it at the beginning here, he just snapped. So he just, that's what, that is what prompted the freak out. Someone was like, sugar gay! And he was like, I'll fucking choke your ass out. And he goes to the smallest little kid. This kid's like teenage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, oh fuck, you'll never make it in this business. And the kid's like, huh? But let's see if you, if you can hear it at the beginning. Cause I didn't even hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like a real California dude. Yeah, is he a bro? Yeah, he's from Newport Beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Oh no, that's, that's sorry, that's what it says, television crew.


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[Assistant] But you're probably getting, if your popularity is starting to wane and you're getting called out all day, you probably...


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[Assistant] Alright, well there you go. There you go, that's where all that screaming's from.


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[Assistant] That's right. But I mean, you know what I mean? When it's like, today is the day to express your love. I'm like, why?


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[Assistant] You need to make a restaurant reservation for this day. You need to buy chocolates and flowers. It's like, oh, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would do, I would do a gangbang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm the guy and there's like six girls. Cool. But I'm doing it out of love for Valentine's Day. Right.


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[Assistant] You know I haven't, but we're in a new community, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, I think, you know, I think I would feel like we got a new start in Texas, so I should have some, you know, a Texan represented in the gangbang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking like a cowboy cheerleader or something. Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe somebody on the dance team at University of Texas or something. Uhm, and I was thinking, you know, uhm, I want to be progressive, so maybe, I don't know, like somebody who's kind of between pronouns or something, you know.


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[Assistant] A real cowgirl, yeaah. I mean it's three, that's already a lot for a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not really. I mean, I really like, you know, one-on-one is pretty great. So like, I mean, two honestly feels like...


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[Assistant] You know what I would support for you? A gangbang for Valentine's Day is a gangbang with all the cool guys from the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gorgeous, you're beautiful. You could smoke meth with meth guy. You could have the Irish drunk guy. You could have him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's this called? You could really have a good time with tit cups. Oh yeaah. Norm Summerton. He likes girls too. He does yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's the Puerto Rican national basketball team. Really? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Yeah, there you go. Grass kingdoms again with Patty is Googling.


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[Assistant] That's the national, I mean, you realize there is a real world possibility that this could happen now that you're putting it out there. Sure. All the Puerto Ricans you could handle for sure. Oh my God.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, he could direct, you know, uh, keep people at bay. Hey, hey, hey, take your turn. Don't worry.


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[Assistant] I mean, that's a lot, that's a lot to handle. How would you do it? Would you do uhm,


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[Assistant] Now would you have them get in a line? Oh my god, I don't know. Well here, let me give you the idea.


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[Assistant] There's, so there's you. Right. And then, you know, number five is, let's say first, right? And then when he's done, it's like, alright, eleven, you're up. That's one way. Or, do you want, like, to be surrounded? And then people are just jumping in and out. But, like, less of a line.


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[Assistant] Is like, you're done next. Or you could do-


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[Assistant] I don't think I can go through with this, babe. One, two, three, four. I'm so traumatized. And then they just kinda tap out, you're done, you know what I mean? Like you switch places like that. So there's more activity at once or one at a time?


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[Assistant] We're about just a smaller national team. I mean, you chose basketball. Right? How about the Puerto Rican national soccer team? We'll be a little bit smaller guys.


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[Assistant] The soccer guys. Honestly, they're probably better looking. The soccer players are always like, you know, the good looking guys. Is that right? Not always, but you know what I mean. Let's see.


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[Assistant] Here I am, trying to give you the greatest gift for Valentine's Day. And you're just spitting in my face.


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[Assistant] Let's pull up, uh, let's pull up the Cowboys current cheerleading squad.


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[Assistant] You know what I would say if these girls were like, Hey Tom, I bet I can make you cum. You know what I would say? Prove it.


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[Assistant] And you know that Jerry Jones is probably like, can't we get more blonde? And they're like, ah, here's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta have a little diversity, like, that's too bad. Well, alright. Can't get any more blonde?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uh, I don't really like small titties. I make sure they all have big titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the, the thing, guys like any, any type. That's the, that's the, you know, there's these guys that yeah, I have to drug it, but the truth is just any tip. I don't care. I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it. Jugs to lend itself. But I'm just saying in general, don't care. Small, medium, large.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, same thing with like, hey, what's your preference for like, any type of vagina? It's like, I don't care. I don't care what the hair looks like on it. I don't care what... It's normal, but you're normal. I don't care what the labia is like. I just want to be inside. Okay, babe. You know? Thanks. Just want to finish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he had asked them, too, that's the best part, he's like, can I? And they're like, yeah, just wait right here.


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[Assistant] So good. So good. Uhm, alright, we should take a quick break. Okay. We'll be back in a moment with our guest.


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[Assistant] We are back with a repeat guest who you can see now on Netflix with his latest special, comedy monster, it's Jim Gaffigan. Yes, Jim Gaffigan.


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[Assistant] Cause a lot of times too you see the crazy kid and sometimes you knew the family, you know, or the parents and the other siblings. You're like, no, that kid was just out of it's fucking mind. Yeah, I'm sure.


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[Assistant] How did that happen? You're not an asshole. Right.


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[Assistant] So much fun. You know what happened by the way you'll like this? What? So Jim and I went to the bathroom together. At the same time. And guess what happened when I got back? What? I remembered that I had to shit. You're kidding!


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[Assistant] Two guys just convinced me, like they were riding me so hard about, they go, you don't travel. They were riding you. Well yea, they were riding me. That's none of my business. About wipes. About wipes? You don't travel with baby wipes? And I was like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who, who, who's, who, so do you travel with baby wipes? Now I, well, if I, if I go through that, uh, the airport and I see one of those, um, you know, like kiosks, one of those stores with the water and the mag, I'll stop in there and I'm like, and if I remember, I'm like, you have baby wipes? And they'll sell like a, a packet of 16 for like nine dollars.


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[Assistant] And then you realize too, what a difference. Oh yeaah, it is. It is a game changer.


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[Assistant] And you don't think about the pipes because you're like, I'm at the airport, they got strong pressure here. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I mean, I'm pretty much. Three or four times a day. I'm clockwork. I'm definitely going to drop one every morning. Pretty much.


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[Assistant] But an hour after I wake up, after coffee, it's gonna happen. That's mine too.


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[Assistant] I am still, I'm so taken aback by the fact that you're not fully embracing that warm spray of water right up your hoo-ha.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Where did you shoot Comedy Monster? Uh, in Minneapolis. Oh, thank you so much.


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[Assistant] It's, uh, it's one of those cities that I think, um, people who don't travel that much, they just have their own preconceived notion of what Minnesota is like. Yeah. And you tell them like, no, this is a pretty like cosmopolitan city with. Oh, it's a great offer. And they're like, what? Like they don't get it. It really offers a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. You, uhm, cause you'll still, you'll play everywhere, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are you, are you back, uh, already with, with your tour?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do you, like, I was thinking about this, like, your oldest is going to graduate high school. So she, is it, it's she, right? Uh, fully grasps then, like, who you are. Like, for sure. And enjoys it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but see, it's just the roll of the dice. She just came out like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, his next kid's gonna be doing fucking flips off about things and shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I just, early on I was just like, I'm not gonna... Care about them. Care about them that much.


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[Assistant] I think a big part of it is though the lane that you're kind of in, where like people, you've talked about your family, you've been a family guy, and I feel like your fans are like, oh, it's Jim's family. And we, before we had kids, it was just all this chaos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This kid comes in my room and goes, Tom, Tom. He calls you Tom? Yeah. And I'm like, what? And he goes, smell my ass. And then he spreads his cheeks. I go, please, please cover that up. Alright, this is good coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I didn't realize you don't have to do that. I can dry myself off. Right, are you in a hurry?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, on to meridian. I didn't know that. That translates to before midday. Before the sun has crossed the meridian line. PM stands for post or after midday. The sun has crossed the meridian line. Wow. That's amazing. When did we learn that?


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[Assistant] I think we actually will get to see the beginning of the real decline, and then it'll be real sad. For our kids. Yea, for our kids. We'll be like, it's gonna be your thing. Sorry!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could get, it could get uglier than it has been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Climate change is definitely going to be one of those things where there's going to be that, that real holy shit level event where they'll be like, hey, you know, uh, New York city flooded or something like that. And then people are going to go like, this shit really is real, huh? Like, yeah, we're, it's done though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone has boats. You can't get on a boat. You know what? It's like Venice now. Yeah. Get in your canoe and just fucking go down Fifth Avenue.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and just also, people's anger has come to a, like a boiling point over the, you know, when you go to the last few years and the way people just hate each other so much, now you're like, something's gonna happen, something's gonna get real hard. Yeah, there's gonna be.


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[Assistant] But also, I mean, even when the pandemic happened, I also thought so much about how


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you do that? Yes. Especially that holiday time for sure. Um, but it is, dude, it is like, you realize you're fortunate, right? Like you're fortunate, but it, it can be overwhelming. The, I'm saying doing all like these shows, doing the road. Like you have to have it all so detailed, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you do, you do a lot of acting gigs. I know, I love it. And those, and those, and like you get a lot of fulfillment out of that. Yes. But it's, nothing's quite the same as a stand up though. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's the dad move, especially like the prior generation, but they didn't have anything to escape to really. They were just like golf trip. Yeah. No, we golf every Saturday. Yeah. And then, yeah, that was like how.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like my father's generation, that's what they all did. And then you realize you're like, are any of these guys even good at golf? They should be experts right now, Jesus. These guys are all just like drinking and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Liquid IV. The new year is here and there's no better way to kick off 2022 than by making sure you're feeling like your best self.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? And there's, I'm telling you, one of those ways is to feel hydrated. Feel good. One stick of liquid IV in 16 ounces of water hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone. Think about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put liquid IV in the water and you're hydrating yourself more effectively, more efficiently. And here's the great thing, it tastes great. They have different flavors like watermelon, lemon, lime, strawberry, piña colada and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I grab a pack, I throw it in a bottle of water or a glass of water when I'm trying to be, you know, environmental, and I tell you what, I feel amazing. I love the way it tastes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three times the electrolytes of traditional sports drinks. Grab Liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco or you can get 25% off when you go to liquidiv.com. Use the code YMH at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you use the promo code YMH at LiquidIV.com experience better hydration today at LiquidIV.com promo code YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Stamps.com. If you're a small business owner, you're busy enough as it is, you don't have time to deal with the hassle of going to the post office. With Stamps.com, you can skip the trip and never waste another dollar or minute. Stamps.com lets you print official U.S. postage right from your computer so you spend less time


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Post Office and more time running your business. Stamps.com saves you time, money, and stress for more than 20 years. Stamps.com has been indispensable for over 1 million businesses. Stamps.com gives you access to all the Post Office and UPS shipping services you need right from your computer. You get discounts you can't find anywhere else.


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[Assistant] Like up to 40% off USPS rates and 76% off UPS, whether you're an office setting, invoices


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A side hustle Etsy shop or a full blown warehouse shipping order. Stamps.com will make your life easier. Save time and money this year with stamps.com. Sign up at stamps.com slash mom for a special offer that includes a four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. No longterm commitments or contracts at stamps.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Refugees. Refugees. Yeah, cause the Italians were like, what are we gonna do with all these fucking hongos? And they just like threw them in a camp. And then, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, England, England is these, I mean, Canada, it's all like, you know, the biggest markets are the English speaking markets, but you find surprises too, you know, but, you know, Australia has a good audience, Canada, the UK has a good audience too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finland. Finland's an amazing comedy market. And they're a good audience. And Sweden has a great comedy market. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I've always been surprised when you see the demo broken down. Oh, that's so fun. It's so amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's kind of fascinating though about the Spanish speaking thing? A promoter came to one of the Spanish shows I did here and he goes, you know, we'd love to have you in Mexico City. And I said, oh, I'd love to go. And he goes, just so you know, if we announce a, you doing a Spanish show, you can expect probably to sell like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, three to five hundred tickets. And if you announce that you're going to do an English speaking show, you'll do multiple theaters. Geez. I was like, what? Why? And he goes, because they know you as an English speaking act. So that's how they want to see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the one. That's the one, looks like Tom. Yeaah. One of them looks like Lucy Kay. Oh my gosh. The freaky thing is that the one looks like her dad, like to a T. Well, you know, the Hungarian. Yeaah. They used to fuck their kids, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They sell cow hearts on the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They give you the worst at 8. What? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the bomb is 8th, and you're like, what? And then you just lose, you're so out of it after 8, that you actually don't realize that 9 and 10 are not as bad as 8 was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what's your favorite sweet treat? You know what I mean? I love peanut butter and chocolate. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you get primed into it with Thanksgiving. So you get out of Thanksgiving where you're just like, wow, I went crazy for a few days. And then you're in the holiday month of it all. And then you're being given gifts and treats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the, it's the post show. The post show meal is what kills you. That second show and you're like alright and it's like 1.30 and you're like I gotta eat something man. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta get the rage out. So when I see the life, leave her eyes, I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone for your, I guess for your business, you want obviously your two show night, right? But there is that sweet, sweet feeling of a one show night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What am I gonna do? Go out and party? What am I fucking Bert Kreischer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, no, what'll happen is like, he's gonna be like, you're not gonna believe this. They amputated my foot. And then, that day, you'll see like a dramatic change in some of his behaviors, you know. But I think, I think it'll take something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does, yea, all the time. I mean, I do them too, but the thing is like, I'm always like, fuck, like I, you know, I do them kind of like, you have to, but I'm always, you know, the thing is, I'm, I'm then, I can only survive if I keep structure with that schedule, with the 2-2-2-2-2.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's amazing about him, how he's really a machine, is that it's two shows, going out, partying up the next morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Treadmill. Really? Yea, and like, you know, his crew, they'll stop in, we do the podcast together, and then they'll be like, you see it on their face, they're like, it's been rough, man. We've been on the road with him for a month. And he's like, alright fellas, I mean, he's just like, ready to go, man. Ready to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can't do it with booze booze completely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does have, it does have some adverse side effects, I've heard. I've heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the cigar as like, it really is a nice, uhm, kind of, uh, addition to, like, to relaxing, sitting around enjoying one, and I like the combination of the taste of it against, like, a drink, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think if you leave it like initially, but like now when I light one up, I don't have like, oh wow, I got like that head rush thing. No, I don't have it. But they do taste very different. Like the tastes of the cigars are, you know, either bolder or milder. You definitely pick up different notes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing is everything we talk about is so documented, you can't, you can't learn about it anyway. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not at all. Yeah, they don't care. Do they, because a lot of times they'll be into somebody else, like a friend of yours. Do they like other...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. Um, real quick, these are, uh, horrible or hilarious clips. We just need you to weigh in on whether it's funny or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same way yours did, babe. It was the snapback. So the left arm of the guy underneath is gonna break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I told him is I'm so excited for him to be in his 60s and his audience is still like, take it off! They were like this saggy body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. Imagine how upset they would be. Even if he was like a 70.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a, like a, like a, what's it called? Like a golden retriever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I definitely liked him. He was, he was, he was, uh, he was very nice. You know, cause when, especially when you're emceeing and you're so intimidated by every comic, you know, and you're just like, ah, I just want people to be nice. And he was super nice. And he, you know, Burt's also, so his personality is, I want someone around all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that's who he is. How ignored was he by his parents? Was it just extensive? No, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he always wants people around. I remember one time, this is not when we met, but like a few months after he invited me to do gigs in Sacramento with him to feature for him. And he drove up and then he talked the entire way and then like half the way back,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After the weekend, he talked the entire time. He was like, you know, you don't say much. And, uh, I go, you haven't stopped talking for the four hours up until I was back. He goes, oh yeah, I guess I do talk about myself a lot. And then he acknowledged that. And then he kept talking the rest of the way back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really is non-stop. He is. He is. And he really is the person you can just go like, what about this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, and then the stream of consciousness thing is like, what if we, can you imagine if we were birds? One time, did I tell you that when I was in uh, Bulgaria and they did, they lowered me off the zipline and then switched to that thing. You're like, do you have hot dogs? Do you think you have hot dogs eaten with chocolate? Like, it's just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a darkness to Jim Gaffigan. That I enjoy. Uhm, and then before you go, we gotta give them your donation, right? Oh, I'm so excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TikToks. Oh yeah, no, I follow. Yeah, okay. I'm just making sure, yeah. Just making sure. I'm gonna know. Just uh, however you feel is fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a lot of times these guys are real skilled with light angles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, this doll's face, this one here. Yeah. That one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I think some are life-size dolls and some are definitely to have sex with. Do you think he has kids? Like, they're like- Like, that's for sure a doll that you fuck. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, one of the things that stood out in this, and it always is surprising, is just who, what this guy looks like. Right? Cause like, if you saw that guy at the, at the coffee shop, you'd be like, he's respectable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, this guy knows paint. He's like, well, you need to combine these paints. But you know what's so telling is that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know that I made myself a promise, when I get back on my feet, I'm buying those fucking dolls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it probably comes from, you have to be like demanding and somebody, uh, pushes back on you and you're like, this is some bullshit. Then you find somebody who's like willing to be bossed around and you're like, ah, how do I get more of this? I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pup play, you know? No, I don't know about that. Pup play is like where the person, one of them pretends to be a dog, the other one pretends to be the dog owner, and they fully commit. Like we'll get in collars and leashes and go out and be like, you need to eat now and pet them and give them, and then sometimes they insert a rectal tail, but it's not sexual. It's just because dogs have tails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could be staged, yea. I mean, why would she be recording her? She knew that was gonna happen right there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's a dangerous prank for the big lady. Right. You know, just to be like, yeah, yeah, cause she could get, she could really fuck herself up doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But just to be clear, nice tip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when I get, how's that conversation? I've noticed there's a bunch of salt and I salted the shit out of this before I gave it back to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is according to, you know, a book. Expert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a real sophisticated sense of smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, yeah man, Pup Play is where it's at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or react in any way. But I just, I want, I know that like in my head now, I'm like, I got the pop play thing, and like, if this ever comes up, if there's somebody who I think will hate it, I'll show it to them. If there's somebody who I think will love it, I want to show it to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the actually the worst. The worst is when someone's like, okay, you want to at least have something, you know, you want to have somebody either be like, no way, or like, ugh, or just summary, but like, it's interesting, that would make sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, cause there's this thing about like, obviously you want to kill. You want to get huge laughs. But there is kind of a thrill to saying something that gets huge groans. Or like, you know what I mean? Like, it's at least a reaction. You're like, ah, I did something. I pushed some button. Right, right, right. I know what you mean. But if everyone was just like, hm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be the worst, kind of, you know, like to be like, we don't react at all to you. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It used to be a thing, if not even one specific person, but you'd see a comic on stage, and this is like early 2000s even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if there was a guy sitting next to another guy, the comic would be like, oh, is this your boyfriend? And everyone would react. They'd either laugh, ooh, like that. And you fast forward now, like if you said, is that your boyfriend? Everyone would be like, maybe, I don't know. Like, that doesn't elicit a reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? You're like, ah, I wanted to abuse these guys for being gay, but I can't anymore. You know? It totally changes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I wish I could harass more people. Same. I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got enough kids to have labor. You can have free labor on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll both definitely watch. For real, we'll watch your special. Are you kidding me? I don't know, twice is a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what you're gonna find out is you're gonna get a, uh, it came out the 21st. You'll get a 28 day report.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, they'll tell you, you know, accounts, and then they'll tell you, you know, an account doesn't mean people, because people share accounts, and six people could watch, but there's so many accounts. They might give you, yeaah, some stats of countries where it's doing really well. Oh, that's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the countries where they're very disappointed in your performance. Right. And then, the thing is like, the first time I got it was on the last one and I was like, yeah, but just tell me this. Cause you're not, they're not gonna share anyone else's data with you. Yeah. So you're like, just tell me, how did it compare to my, well tell me how it compared to my previous one. And then they were like, oh, okay. So they told me some comparisons. So that was good, you know? That's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so true. You're such a monster. Uhm, no, but, uh, congratulations. Nine specials now. That's pretty wild, man. That's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You keep doing them until they tell you not you can't do them anymore. That's what I always said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's how he started his television career, in 2004.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop calling me a chum, I'm not a chum, what's wrong with you? You're the weirdos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop doing your retarded shit. I don't care how much you say it, I'm not gonna stop. I'm gonna do whatever the fuck it is I want to. Understand? Stop fucking doing it, cause I'm gonna fight back and fight back and fight back all I want. I'm not gonna stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so official now, we're coming to you from the White House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well it's expensive here in Austin, you know, and the materials and stuff and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, it's for the fans. We do this for them. We want to give them a better show every time. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if it costs us millions of dollars and we put every penny into it, then so be it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you thinking though? Look, and also, you know, we also haven't gotten our charge keys from the other studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Right. Instead of FedEx, which we know is a superior mailing system. It's not even comparable. It's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's done. So how many months have our chachkis been in transit now? This is like six months and we haven't seen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just pay for the FedEx, you don't do it. So, so these are the tchotchkes that we found, the one box that made it, just so you know, so you're gonna see some old school shit up here, you got Brace, Gigi Allen, of course Gigi's gonna be in the studio. Some it'll change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Erica, charge it to the game, and then, um, yeaah, various postcards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Oh fuck, it's so good. It is really good. And you know what I love about this set?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know it's a shock to the viewers, like you get attached to one way of the show being a certain way and then, you know, the change is not always welcome when you love something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I get it guys, if you're looking at this and you're like, this is not Guantanamo Bay, we just got used to Guantanamo Bay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, what I like about this set in particular is that it looks really official. It does. And so much nonsense gets discussed on this show. That's where I disagree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so great that like we have these, these chairs are great. The more you dress it up, the better. Yeah, it's hilarious that we, this is the silliest show on earth and we like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did I wear my Etsy jewels for you guys and I wanted to look nice. It's our first day and you look very handsome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there anything where, so when you call, when a lady gets real old, she becomes handsome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't, yeaah. Just call me handsome. Like Bea Arthur was handsome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'd prefer that, cause then when I show up they're like, she's not a fucking dude. No, I know. She's way prettier, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And tell them I'm 68. So when I show up, I start, by the way, I did this as a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why people insist on lying or concealing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't, A, it doesn't work. Very seldom have I met somebody where I'm genuinely surprised.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not for you, it's not on your cards. But you know what you do have is a killer sense of humor, uh, the ability to write things that nobody else can, and you know, you've got other talents. And I know what you're saying, like when I was watching the new real world reboot today on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you see a 26 year old girl, like I see a girl now and you're just like, oh, you're so beautiful. And you admire that and you, you give that its place. You know what I mean? You process it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing is that what would you rather have? Perfect physical specimen, but you're kind of a box of rocks upstairs and you're like, you make a decent living, but you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wealthy? Yeah. Okay, what would you rather be? Like super, super hot? Wealthy. Yeah. Any fucking day. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause beauty fades, even if you are Richard Gere or Brad Pitt, like you peak and then everybody declines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do plaster casts of- I did plaster casts of my body naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could I masturbate to younger pictures of myself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like that Liberace movie. Remember when he makes Matt Damon go to the plastic surgeon and become a younger version of Liberace?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over the top with Liberace, but he gave a grounded performance as Liberace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the second thought to this, I was 23 years old and I'll never forget, I was home on a Saturday night watching MTV. Yeah. Okay. Are you listening to me? I'm listening. Listen. And I actually had the thought, I remember going to what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, are you going to tell me about your dump? Everybody's on pins and needles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's calm. Yeah. Yeah. Calm and relaxed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so you just had a natural brown. It wasn't a, a botastrophe. Right. And you're thinking it's correlated to the no eggs today. I think so. Yeah. That's a safe assumption. Yeah. Yeah. 20 years, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, very good. Can I finish the point that I was making before you rudely interrupted with your need to shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I had this very acute moment when I was 23 years old watching the real world at home or whatever the fuck I was doing. And I said to myself, I said, self?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're 23, you're the hottest you're ever gonna be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you gonna do about that tonight? I literally go, well, what can I do with that? And I was like, I guess I could take pictures of myself. And I already had, I had headshots and photographs taken. And then I was like, I guess I could go out and get laid. Like I could go to a nightclub and see if some guy would fuck me. But then I was like, so what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? Like, that's not hard to do at any age. Like, I literally didn't know what to do with my hotness at 23. Cause think about it, what can you do? Okay, so you're good looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate that so much. What a dildo. Would you like me to give you a bunch of pictures of me younger and then you could jerk off to them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just thinking what would be the ultimate Valentine's Day gift, and maybe I could put a booklet together of old photographs of me, that a photographer took, and then you could J or D to 26 year old Christina. Cause you got to F 28 year old Christina, which must have been pretty righteous. But now, you could relive those good times again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As if in like a decade our kids find it, and they're like, what's this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, but I can photoshop my head or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause look, you've been dropping some hot pics on the gram lately. Have I? Of young Tommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I liked it. Oh, there he is. There's the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but let me tell you what sets you apart though, is that all these effin, effin sissy boys, these fuck boys, they're not rockin chest hair. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were very mature for 23. I mean with that chest hair you have to be. You can't be immature. You grew into your chest hair fast. You were the first man I ever was with that had that chest hair, boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, 23 year old boys don't grow a rug like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're fuckin' lost though, right? Yeah, big time. Big time lost. Stupid bitches. Now look. Yep. You stupid cunt that didn't cast him and anything. Yep, you fuckin' dumb bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't compliment that bitch. Don't compliment that bitch. That one goes in my head so often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I love that lane of TikTok guys that are like, number one, don't give her shit. Like Tom Lake is this school of treating women bad. Yeah. God, it makes me laugh. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's him. That's the guy. So disgusting. That guy. That guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he returns over the internet. Oh shit, we gotta get into Lakus again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good. Oh good. He looks way better. He looks really good there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, his whole shtick was treating them, treating them like shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the one good thing about, I was just, uh, you know, touring, I was at the LOL in San Antonio, and they have newer headshots, like our generation of comedians, and thank god we all knocked that shit off, like the 80s were totally corny corn balls, and now everybody's just like, hm, nobody does that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might be, uhm, Asperger's. I have a hard time reading emotions. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, we gotta get into this because I'd like to feel that level of excitement in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not at all bro. We can go right now. Dude, let's hunt. I'd like to know what this feels like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I do wanna eat the meat if we're gonna cook it. Yea, of course. I didn't kill it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is. Oh shit. That's what I'm talking about. A helicopter and an AR-15. Hell yeah I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's in Texas! Yea, of course it's in Texas. Everything you want is in Texas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmhm. Yeah. Why doesn't he make millions of dollars and buy his own fuckin' helicopter? Stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of see your side now. Yeah. You should only hunt with helicopters in AR-15.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much force does a bear have? What do you, what do you calculate that? Is it force? Nadav? How much strength?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good question. You know what other animals can do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, they rip fingers off. I've heard Joe Rogan discuss this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? That's a car. That's a ton. Right? A thousand pounds is a ton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They weigh 100 to over 350 pounds. Damn. Yeah. Cool. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is your animal. Hm? You look so much like a bear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you are a bear. Your demeanor, you like scratches. I've walked in on you scratching your back against the wall like they do. Babe, what animal am I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, I like to live high. I've always lived on like, hills or stairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but my hair is kind of floofy like an ostrich too. Yeah. Huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's like, uh, a beaver. He's got like a beaver face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well these are some serious allegations. Don't you think he should go on the major news outlets and let them know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we get intel like this. You gotta share this with the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are really considering renaming pediophiles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too. Uh, so anyway, the word pedophile, pedo, meaning child, phile, philo, Greek, meaning love, a lover of children. So the word is pretty descriptive


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so we're gonna, so we wanna rebrand these, these poor guys. Why? For what? For more acceptance in society? Like this is not happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the natural extension of everybody being accommodated. And another reason why it's taken months for us to finish the studio, we have had to build 300 different bathrooms to accommodate all the genders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every, cause every week someone adds a new gender and now we have to build the bathroom to accommodate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm all for this era of feelings too. I think it's nice that we're finally like, it's, it's that, but this is, I think there's a limit right to who gets to have sympathy and feelings. Don't we cut it off at pedophiles and rapists and murderers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, we should castrate them and then study them. Yeah. So that we don't allow them in society. Exactly. We should be savage with them. I don't think they deserve. They don't deserve to be treated like people. No, they're not. They're, they're pediophiles. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For months, home has felt less like the refuge it should be. At least that's how we feel. But this season, make home homey again with Brooklinen at the forefront of all comfy home goods. I love Brooklinen. We sleep on their sheets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but they also have everything you need to feel comfortable. They have everything from, uh, dreamy decor to cozy loungewear. Oh my god, their loungewear is impeccable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To their new line of slippers, Brooklyn's comfort game is unmatched and their lineup keeps getting better. And if you're looking for more ways to stay cozy, check out Brooklyn's candles, eye masks, and accessories. Take the guesswork out of gifting with comfy crowd pleasers from Brooklyn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get comfortable this season and save while you do it. Go to brooklinnen.com and use promo code house for $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com and enter promo code house for $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. brooklinnen.com promo code


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's talk about this. This is fascinating, cause we came across your videos a while ago and- Thank you very much, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I brought you two coffees this morning because you were coming in and I said, Tommy, here's your two coffees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My status, therefore increasing his size. You mentioned the two copies. Now wha- Again, why, why do you request that? Let's go through the logic of that. Sure. So, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, so that's cooking meals, I'm assuming. Well, truthfully, I eat out most of the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there's truth to it, and judging by my husband's reaction, listen, we've had world famous comedians sit across from him. He's never spit coffee out of his nose, like he just did for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you feel about women serving in the military and stuff like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so hold on, do you mean to tell me that Cobra Tait will not be married? Will not be tamed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so, so, have you ever, but have you ever, what's the longest you've been in a monogamous situation? Monogamous?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ever happened? Will it ever happen? I don't see the point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the deal, man. But they will drain your finances. Multiple baby mamas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever, uhm, you know, is there ever like a tender, if I, you know, you know, with a lady alone, is there ever a toned down version of this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really the case. And you're such a virile man that one, hey you have to lean into the mic more my love. Sorry. Push it towards you. Uh, you're too virile, too virile to be tied down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, perfect. He's nodding his head. His neck is practically gonna break. Yeah. Yeah, buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. But the slaves, the slave mentality feels empowered now by canceling people they're envious of, by commenting and wanting to silence people that have an opinion. Correct. So now that, but that is a form of power. Now the slaves have united.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't need to make sense. It starts in school. Sit at my desk, 745, you're out by 38. No, no, no, it's docile bodies from the minute you're born, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you've been exposed to every fucking strand of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because they have such a short memory of history. I mean literally what you're talking about happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, my dad's, my dad was born at that time. And like, it's already been forgotten. Communism, pshh, forgotten. And we want the same fuckin' policies that the communists had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they don't teach you in school unless you seek this kind of thinking. Like I studied, everybody knows I say it a million times, but when I studied philosophy, you read these books by Baudrillard, these French thinkers, these anti-establishment people, you have to seek out these kind of thinkers to even


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have access to these types of crazy, crazy thoughts that aren't sometimes that fucking crazy as we learn in the last few years. I never thought in my life I would live in Texas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never in my life. I grew up as an Angelino. Never. And the world changed. Very much. Very scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the good news is there used to be, in the 80s, the 90s, a great way to be a coward, right? You clock out, you go home, you have a coke and a smile, you sit in your lounge chair, and you watch fucking Friends. Okay? But even that life has been taken away. There is no middle class existence anymore. So now it's like, what are you doing, dude? There's nothing for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you've listened to the show for a while, you know that I am obsessed with playing best fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Year round. I love best means. I play it on every flight I go on. I am now up to level 155. Hello. I don't mean to brag, uhm, pretty good at this stuff now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. Uhm, it's great for the holiday season. It's the perfect pick me up when I need a break from all the holiday action. And you don't need to be online to play the game, which is the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, best fiends has it all. An amazing storyline, collectible fiends, and tons of fun puzzles. No wifi, no problem!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So even if your holiday travels takes you off the beaten path, you can still play best fiends. Uhm, there's always a fresh challenge waiting for me when I need a mental pick me up. And also it's not so crazy hard that you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The new year is a great time to focus on what's most important to you.


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[Assistant] Whether it's saving money by ordering less takeout, learning to cook, or prioritizing your wellness, HelloFresh is here to help with endless options to make cooking at home simple and enjoyable.


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[Assistant] HelloFresh delivers pre-portioned ingredients to your door, including farm fresh produce,


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[Assistant] That arrives within a week, so you get convenience without skimping on quality. Skip the trip to the grocery store, saving you the wait in long holiday lines and ensuring you don't waste money on excess food. And you know what I love? It is 72% cheaper than a restaurant meal and it's actually, I think, better quality.


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[Assistant] And it's a fun thing to do with the family. Why not cook with your kids? Why not cook with the people you love? HelloFresh offers 50 menu and market items to choose from every week, including veggie, calorie smart, family friendly,


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[Assistant] And gourmet options. I love HelloFresh because they help me save so much money and I love cooking with my family. Go to hellofresh.com slash mom16 and use code mom16 for up to 16 free meals and three free gifts.


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[Assistant] Go to hellofresh.com slash mom16 and use code mom16 for up to 16 free meals and 3 free meals.


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[Assistant] Okay, it's the power, right?


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[Assistant] Well, let me tell ya, this, uh, this era does not want masculine, es, es, excellence, excellence. I'm raising two little boys right now, and I, I don't wanna, I don't want them fuckin' weenie-fied, which is a lot of the reason I love Texas.


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[Assistant] Well, cause you were this guy before you had a lot of money. I suspect you, you had your swag before.


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[Assistant] He always had the hustle, the vibe in him too. Like, he's not gonna be some fuckin' loser, dude. I knew it.


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[Assistant] No, that's what I tell girls when they're looking 20 year old, 30 year old women with me. How do I find, I go, look at the guy that's got the hustle. I don't give a fuck if he's a garbage man, but he's got that hustle to be the best fuck it. Or maybe he wants to own a chain of garbage. It's, it's what it's going to be later. Not now. Not now.


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[Assistant] Alright, it's like the caviar of women, right?


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[Assistant] You know what I will say, and this is totally politically incorrect too, is that because we carry the repercussions


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[Assistant] Correct. Of sexual conduct. Correct. We're the ones left with the bag. So to me, yes, I was never into banging lots of... As you should have been!


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[Assistant] Well, because you think you're, like, it's an unconscious thing. It's like, well god, if this guy busts nuts in me, like, he doesn't even like me, he doesn't even know me.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. We don't know. I do. Maybe it does. I know.


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[Assistant] Deep into my own eyes. Wait, can I point out? This is called Tramp Talk. The show behind him is Tramp Talk, which is fucking brilliant.


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[Assistant] Oh god, don't make him answer it. What do you think his fucking answer's gonna be, Tom?


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[Assistant] Can I tell you something that I thought for sure


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[Assistant] That people would hate fat models, okay? I fucking abhor fat models. I don't wanna see somebody that looks worse than me modeling the clothes I'm aspiring to be this person, right? You know what I'm saying?


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[Assistant] Can I tell you my dream? I wish, I wish every motherfucker that took down my fucking TikToks, every piece of shit that reports me to TikToks,


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[Assistant] That Cobra Tate shows up at your fucking house. Find him. That you need to give your address and this motherfucker shows up. I'm doing a world tour. I would love it. I'm ready. A troll tour and just.


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[Assistant] Now, so here's the deal, man, is that some people would accuse you of bullying. That's not bullying, I was- But, he was bullying you on Twitter, no?


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[Assistant] But you learned that in fucking grade school and you know now if someone fucks with your kid and hits your kid and your kid hits that kid back, your kid will get in trouble. Do you know what I mean? For protecting themselves.


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[Assistant] That's right, but these little fucking beta fucks don't learn those lessons because you're not allowed to defend yourself.


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[Assistant] Even if he doesn't agree with your ideas, who gives a fuck? Who the fuck cares? Who cares? Why does anybody give a fuck what anyone else thinks about anything? So weird.


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[Assistant] You know what's funny? I think if I met you ten years ago, I probably would try to fight you on some of your views. Now after I've had a couple of kids, and I'm middle-aged as fuck, I'm like, dude I don't want to run the world.


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[Assistant] Let the boys do it. Seriously, like, being in second place, it's kinda great. Well, it-it-it-it's amazing! Well, I'm being serious, cause like, I get to stay home and raise our babies. If I wanna go do stand-up, I do it, but like,


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[Assistant] But just be calm, you know, you get older and you're just like, it's too much work to run the world. Why do- I don't wanna do that.


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[Assistant] And people seem to think ground beef is unsafe to eat raw and they don't realize that no animal is unsafe to eat raw. It's much less safe to eat cooked. So what I got here.


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[Assistant] I put some bone marrow on top, like three pieces, three big bones and some drizzle of honey. Boy, I'm about to chow down. It's raw. Raw ground beef. So good.


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[Assistant] Well, we're changing it to job, because you're taking it out of context there. What do you- how do you get a job here? What do you- how do you get a job here? What's up there, Jomo? Listen here. You get a job here, you fuckface. What do you- how do you- Wanna call in?


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[Assistant] What do you, how do you get a job here? What do you, how do you get a job here? What's up there, Chomo? Listen here. You get a job here, there, fuck face. Retired retard. I'm a private person. Retired retard. You don't need to film this. Retired double agent there, you fucking retard.


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[Assistant] Definitely sad. It is sad. It is reality.


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[Assistant] Uhm, just, you know, keep my shit tight and fuckin'. Fuck shit up. Fuck shit up all year. Yeah. Wreck shit. Fuck people up. Fuck people up. You know what I mean. Damn.


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[Assistant] Didn't it exceed every expectation ever? Like, sometimes, you know, we've had little run-ins, interactions with people we've featured, and there's been great ones, you know? There have been great ones. As far as having someone we've profiled come on the show,


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[Assistant] And like, you know, obviously hanging out with Unkshined for the YMH Live 7 was one of the greatest tweets of my life. Yes.


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[Assistant] None of it compared. I mean, Tate was like, we had to wrap it up.


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[Assistant] Like, he really was ready to keep going. And, and, and it was, he was fantastic, I mean.


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[Assistant] There's people, I mean, also probably listeners are like, this guy's so brash and arrogant and all that, which, you know, he is. Yeah. But uhm, he's super entertaining. Yeah. Super funny. And an intelligent guy.


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[Assistant] He made me spit on my lap. You pointed out that I've been doing this with world class comedians. Yeah. Uhm, and I've never done that. And with him I did.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. If you were like on a date or something, it would be... Well, what'd he do? He'd probably get up, put like, crank up some, ball up some cash and just like throw it at you like, that's for the drink, bitch, and then walk out. And I think most of the restaurant would applaud. Wow.


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[Assistant] It's probably good I didn't know that. Yeaah. I don't think I would have asked you out again.


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[Assistant] Well, what was it like? No, it was kinda like that and I was like, hold on a second, bitch.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, and that probably speaks to how broken I was, where I was like, oh, this chick's all fucked up, I like her. That's true.


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[Assistant] I am, uh, I am so excited about this episode. Are you? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Once again, I acknowledge Cobra Tay, thank you for your presence and your lessons, life lessons. Can't wait to see you again. Uhm, so something happened today, two days in a row now, I didn't have eggs for breakfast. Okay. Now I have been eating eggs for breakfast for about 15 years.


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[Assistant] So, and I've been on kind of a health kick for like, you know, a little bit now. And so I do five egg whites, two whole eggs, sometimes I add turkey slices, and then I have spinach. Anyway, it's like lean, high protein, you know, not super high, but you know, marginal amount of protein to get your day started.


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[Assistant] So that's what I've been doing, and always, always, always, problems. So...


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[Assistant] I haven't even taken it yet, but I have a food sensitivity test that I'm gonna take. Yeaah. I don't have food allergies, I've had food allergy tests.


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[Assistant] Food allergy is a, is a, a highly reactive. Highly. When you see someone's face, that's an allergy. People use allergy like colloquially basically and they don't know what they're actually, you know, like it's, it's a, it's, it's not the correct term to use, okay.


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[Assistant] An allergy is very different, okay? So, and I've been to the doctors both, like the sensitivity is what most people mean when they say food allergy. So anyway, I go ahead, I do the food allergy test, nothing.