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[Assistant] So, there's been a lot of drama on the King's account lately, and it hasn't been good for him.


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[Assistant] But I will say I do admire that he's really taking this account seriously. Yes. And monitoring these comments and I think fame has gone to his head a little bit.


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[Assistant] The creepier one was when he's like, you're gonna do fine on your midterms. Oh my.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. And he's gonna leave the store. Nope. Not until he goes and he gets a basket. He's got a basket.


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[Assistant] Oh, this poor man, he has no legs, you guys. Oh my gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get it, dog? Damn, he just went in the parking structure. Oh, he broke that too. Now he's fucking up the parking structure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There should be- he should be a superhero. Agree, he avenges people. It's pretty dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would watch that guy all day, dude. He was fly. See how he moved on that thing? He could fly around on that thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm a little offended because you also ignored women of color.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? That's very ableist of you, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah guys, is it so hard? Do better. Do better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd love to see an amputee, Batman. You never seem, you never get to see a superhero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well most here, go ahead. These are in response to Drumline. You know, Nadav's love of Drumline has really, really inspired the emails this week.


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[Assistant] Well, Megan, I brought this point up on where my mom's at, that it's not a new story, this, the arrogant, young, but by the way, uh, uh, uh, the Queen's Gambit was orphaned genius at chess. Is it a real story? Uhm. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the dumbest fight I've ever heard. You are, you are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy. Thanks Jean. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. And don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A Northern Suburbs dentist has been jailed for treating dozens of patients instead of being in quarantine. Natalia Nan was charged with eight counts under the Emergency Management Act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to be performing in Colorado on, I know this is September the 8th at Red Rock. So you're welcome to come if you want to come and have a laugh. Me and Bert Chrysler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're literally printing postage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of amazing, uh, YMH, uh, related, uh, material content, if you will, uh, a huge epic live show is happening this Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's YMH Studios, go to livestream.ymhstudios.com. It is this Friday, April 2nd, starts at 6pm Pacific Standard Time, 9 Eastern. We have the great Chris DeStefano, Chrissy Chaos sitting on the couch with us. We have original music by the Marcus King Band. We have incredible special guests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no murders. We decided to not have any murders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Should I send those to the police? I don't want those. I don't want those. I don't want to do gore, like straight up suffering gore. I just like to see someone, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's start the show, okay? There's a lot to go over, a lot to get into. Uh, yeaah, here we go. Let's start the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's gonna be a fun week, man. It's not a white man's world anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can be, it can be, but usually it's cool if someone's singing like a white hymnal, you know? Then it kind of brightens your day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, he's singing a cool song, uh, and it would certainly be fun to be uhm, you know, taking your clothes out of the dryer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On YouTube, yeaah. He put this on YouTube himself? Mhm. Jesus.


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[Assistant] I mean, I bet like Toby Keith would be into it. You know? Toby Keith? Yeah, all those guys. G? I bet G could sing the fuck out of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's the queen? What's his queen's name again? Trish. Oh Trish. Yeah. Yearwood. She comes out back up on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but uhm, very cool man. Thanks for putting that song out there. It's a cool message. It is, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it wasn't real mixed in the, uh, audience, but, uh, I actually had a great time. It was, it was fun shows. People were very sweet there. Very nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We added a second Spanish show in Addison, uh, that's Dallas Tejas, the night, 10 o'clock at night. That's my first late show in Spanish, that's gonna be fucking wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then are those Spanish? Yep. I got some new Spanish shows on sale. June, Ontario, Improv, uh, Brea show in Spanish, and looks like I'm gonna be doing the Borgata August 28th, is it? But not in Spanish. No, no, no. That's in English. God damn it. No, I'm not doing it.


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[Assistant] If you wanna mess with me. Not, not drinking, nothing like that. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're over 120, I'll let you suck on my cock a little bit just because I'm a good sport. I'll let you suck on my cock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a few out there, but I think some of them might not meet his requirement for being sober.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think the girl who's like, I do think that sounds appealing is probably not level headed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the Fedsmoker, would you rather, was that or watch your parents have work at?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so that was uhm, that was really cool man. That was really cool. Thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are moving. I want you to know that, uh, this show of course continues. People have asked if, uh, that's the end of Two Bears. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. So, just so you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we fucking talk about how amazing TomTalks is, for fuck's sake? I've been having one-on-one conversations with, like, just, I mean, incredible guests, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Derrick Del Gott, the guy who did In-N-Of-Itself. Dion Sanders.


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[Assistant] Uhm, every other Thursday. But it's on my personal YouTube channel if you want to watch it. If you want to listen, it's wherever podcasts are available. I'm trying to just reach out and talk to people I find really interesting and want to have one-on-one conversations with. So that's something that we'll continue to do too. Of course, where my mom's at, we'll continue to come out. Uhm, but anyway, that's uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I already have two, uh, tickets back here within a month of moving. So we'll be here. But anyway, now that that's out of the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two mommies, one jeans. Two mommies, one jeans. Now, you, you told me, cause you've noticed this, like, if you walk out of our house and you go to get a coffee, cause we always go to the same coffee place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's just like curling 25 and you're like, you scream for that? What's going on with you man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people, I'm sure, I, I do. I know, of course. I've been working out for years and that's part of like, I, it's how I breathe correctly. I always go, ah, every rep. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't, but you know there's just tennis players. It's not true. Remember we grew up watching Monica Salas?


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[Assistant] You should have seen him though, cause that was like once I got into doing three times a week. Yeah. And he would start to like rip them like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that guy, maybe. Yeaah, I think it's a little theatrical that he's doing the workout with the garage open and the driveway and he's like, ahhhh. Yeaah, it's so that you walk by. What's going on there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was walking through the mall with, uh, Jeff Tate. We went to the mall one afternoon, just fucking around, and we walked by a Chinese massage, like mall setup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on display. And like they're just grinding, you know, your shoulders and you're like, I don't know man. Is there a door?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Christina, it finally happened. Someone gets us, like really gets us. It can be hard to find jeans that fit well, jeans that are comfortable and fit well. Forget it. Until now, RevTown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Proprietary fabric that combines Italian milled denim, a little bit of stretch and a strong, durable thread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like the stuff used in football uniforms and yoga pants. That's what you want to be walking around in man. Jeans that look and fit like that. That is perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got your pair, I know, you love them. At $79 a pair, they are less than half the price of some of those so-called designer jeans we've been jamming our stuff into for years.


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[Assistant] That guy. Imagine being friends with that guy. Point of personal privilege. How long do you think it would take before you're like, hey man, we, not only can we not hang out, I want you to get assaulted.


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[Assistant] People are ordering and like there's drinkers, I can hear glasses clanging. Yeah, you're in a restaurant, fuckhead. There's noise in here. Get on the fucking sidewalk. That's where you're gonna end up anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were, by the way, in polar opposite place. I never really thought about that for our college experience. He lived in San Francisco, one of the most cosmopolitan, like diverse, liberal, and I went to school in Hickory, North Carolina, where that shit, none of that shit flew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many people that are on that circumcision thing, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but what's funny is like that lane of like, of writing a sign and painting it red like, this is the blood of every penis that's been circumcised.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're mutilating babies, like woo. Yeah. I had somebody lecture me one time about it. They go, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was, yeah, it was, you weren't yet pregnant with Julian, but Ellis was born and somebody, we're talking about, you know, kids and then this, a lady goes, did you circumcise him? And I was like, yeah. And they go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I don't care that you don't like it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then she goes, she went on and I go, do you have kids? And she goes, no. I go, how are you even a part of this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care. And if you wanna fucking cut the actual head of your dick off, go ahead and do that too. I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so much you could do in this world, for that to be your focus, for that to be your contribution.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I lived in a, I lived in an apartment in College Park, Maryland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three kids, they're in their twenties right now. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was in college, when I was in college, the summer after my junior year, I lived in Georgetown in DC, right? Yea, I remember. I lived there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go back to school for my senior year, I finish school, I first move to Boston, and I live with my friend Steve in Boston, him and his, uh, wife, at the time, no, at the time it was his girlfriend, but they ended up getting married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I lived with them on their couch, you know, which is terrible. But I lived there for like eight weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I got an offer from the same place in DC, America's Most Wanted. That's right. So that's where I worked. And uhm, so I was like, oh, I'll just go live in Georgetown again with my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My aunt and my dad was like, you can't do that. They hooked you up. That was the summer, dude. Yeah. You can't move in. I was like, why? She's lonely. Like, let me. They were like, no. So I ended up getting hoodwinked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I told somebody at the AMW where I was going to work, and they're like, oh, you can live in Mon- like, I'm moving out of this place, you can move into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was a, it was a house in College Park with like six people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got the bedroom that has a bathroom in it, which is great. One of the other roommates has to use my bathroom. So he would come in, take a shower, take shits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the worst. Dude, it was a fucking no- I mean it definitely contributed to me not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanting to stay there. Not wanting the job. I had to go through my room to go to the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he would like, you'd hear a knock, and I'm like, what's up? Gonna take a shower?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They sucked, you know, so I definitely, when they, when they offered, I got the job offer to extend because I started with a three month contract. So as it came up, they're like, Hey, we want to offer you. I was like, nah, I moved here.


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[Assistant] I'm not surprised. At all. But you'd say you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But were they ashamed or were they smiling? They were upset. They were upset.


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[Assistant] At home, because we lived in a house where the neighbor, the divorcee, was getting railed for the first time in a while, and she was really putting on a show with her orgasms, but in a hotel it's kind of fun. That's fun. Like I've had, you know, I stay in hotels so much, I've had the wall where you start hearing something and then you go right to the right spot and you hear them doing it, I'll jerk off, like, immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now when I lived in the valley, like my first one here, I've told that story. I had a nightmare scenario where the wall of my bed, like in my bedroom, was the living room of the neighbor's apartment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, hit it until she got the clue, like, hey, I'm sleeping in here, you fucking asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and then you would see a trans lady park, walk up the stairs and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you would just, just pounding, pounding, and they're just, but I didn't jerk off to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember uh, she walked into your placement time when I was still there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we had the, uhm, we had that old guy who was dying.


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[Assistant] He was in his nineties. Marty. Marty. And he lived like at the apartment. And I would see him and be like, Oh, you're about to die. You know, he was in his nineties and it was summertime in silver Lake. It was so hot and he didn't have air conditioning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like we didn't have that, you know, the kind of money that, but I was like, yeah, I was like, we should get one for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't imagine the guy that I knew as a sweet old man, but maybe he wasn't a sweet man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really don't know. The old kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is camo, you know, where it's probably helpful because you need compassion as you get older. You need people to care for you, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you do, naturally, you're like, oh, I'll hold the door for this old person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be kind, I'll be extra, you know, soft and sweet to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was after MacArthur Park though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was horrible. We had, that's where there was a washer dryer on every other floor of an apartment complex, right? So you put your clothes in the washer and it could be that two floors of people want to also wash their clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a lot of times people would leave their clothes, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they weren't on top of it. Sometimes you learn, oh this clothes is here, maybe someone's gonna come put it in the dryer in the next few minutes. So you go back to your apartment and you go, maybe you set a timer, 30 minutes. You go back and the same clothes is still in the washer. You're like, well this is going in the dryer now dude. So that's what I did and one time the guy caught me doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember like you could feel, you feel the adrenaline surge of like, is this about to be a fight? Because they really hate when you touch their clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I see him. I'm like, you're my neighbor. He's like, what's up? Like, this is, like, he's working at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's working on the, on the actual production I'm on. So then like a week or two later, I see him at the apartment and I go, Hey man, like how can I get a tape of that? And he was like, yeah, I don't know, man. I was like, but you work there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I don't know. He's like, you could email this person. He gave me like the email of the receptionist. You know, I was like, you can't. Nope. You sweet though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pixie dusted, yea. We've talked about them. Their license plate said pixie dusted. And they wore like Mickey Mouse shit every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, when I brought up, when I brought up Disneyland to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy one time got in the elevator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, uh, hey, uh, I'm just going to check my mail. Could you hold the elevator for me? And I go, yeah. And he got out and I pressed close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you try to treat yourself, right? Like, you know, like, so we would buy, like, appetizer stuff. You know, like, it would be like, yeah, like, frozen, you know, like, hors d'oeuvres. Yeah, puff pastries. And I would, like, put them in, and it's like, you know, let's say it's 12.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I did. I think he'd seen it or something. So he mentioned it and I go, yeah, sure. He was going on a trip somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go from there to Silver Lake, and then from Silver Lake to Redondo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we have, you know, we've talked about a crazy neighbor over here, crazy neighbor over there, a retired cop across the street who, if you parked, which you can, you can, it's on a public street in front of his house, he would then pull his car and park one millimeter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a psycho, a psycho. One time I left my car in front of his house for a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm serious. If I had the money, I would have done this. I wanted to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I get it by the way, I get it, like, I have a house, I get it, you don't want someone to park in front of your house, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Redondo? Yea. You could park one car. That's right. One in the driveway and one on the street. That's right. So they wanted, they were like, we'll park the one on the street in front of your place only. But it's, we lived in a guest house. So there was actually two other cars. There was the main residence. Yea. So we didn't have many choices. There wasn't a lot of options. And they were like, just don't park here. And you're like, but I need a place to park the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Powerful e-commerce functionality lets you sell anything online. You customize the look and feel. Of course it's optimized for mobile right out of the gate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's what you gotta do. Head on over to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's what's crazy, we go from that, from a scary MacArthur park to that, to the next neighborhood where our six month old son's first play date is with Kim and Kanye's son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which at the time, at the time they said they were about to cross 40 million subscribers, which is like, really significant, but it's still, it's not like it is today where everyone's like, that's the leader in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we rented a house in this neighborhood and I don't know who lives in this neighborhood. I really don't. I know there's like a dry, like a guard gate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And after like, I don't know, a few days in the neighborhood, one of the neighbors


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, yeah, you'll see her walking around. I go, that's wild. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, a week to go by, there's a public, there's a playground within the gated community. And I go up there, and I remember I took Ellis, he's like five, six months old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I sit him down and a, uh, a nanny, she's wearing like scrubs, comes over and she's like, Oh, how old is he? And I go, he's six months. And she goes, so is he.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, oh, she goes, what's his name? And I go, it's Ellis. What's his name? She goes, Saint. And immediately I was like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't react though, you know. Yeah, big old cheeks on this cute little baby. And then they would play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I noticed, I was like, oh, and then I see a guy standing there in black with an earpiece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They always looked at me like, why are you here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was that crazy thing and then we moved to another house with neighbors with, uh, well there was just the shirtless, that's not that crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it looks like this was on the verge of going really wrong. Yeaah. Yeaah. She was not having that. Those are my favorite ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit, that is so great. That is Art and Amanda, the other one, the Hungarians are Oliver and Lila.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was Brody and Brittany, Miles and Naomi, Ronnie in the car, and Bailey and Shane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horrible, hilarious. Riding your mormon, riding his bike down the stairs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That reminds me of the guy on the train, the guy who got hit by the train, cause he goes flying too. Remember that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, how are you not turned on? You're not turned on by that at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You be the dog. Hey, you remember, uhm, you remember this video from a few weeks ago?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I had a fucking black onyx necklace with black diamonds, so yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, I don't think you know who you're talking to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, if you wear those, you can never wear a shirt. Those are for shirtless guys only, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I start wearing crystals you'll know that I can make a fire from nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wear shirts anymore. And I think I've gotten deeply into, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Breath work, and allow the crystals to open your chakras.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of ladies drawn to a guy who's like, how my breath work is really... Yeah, okay, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, we haven't had like a real crazy guy in a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it is wild to start, to start talking to cops like that. And they're outside your door. Fuck. That is actually quite a personal privilege here. Oh my gosh. Only a white guy could get away with this shit, man. I'm talking to you, alright? You fucking Nazi. It is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost like, you know, the great thing about the fed smoker clips is that they're so short. Like you can't watch them for minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I actually kinda wanna see it kinda go further.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's real crazy too when you see some- cause this usually ends actually with someone getting hurt by the police. You're trying to like provoke and say shit like that, you know? Like, that's not gonna end well for you usually. He's lucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is sponsored by BlueChew. Say it with us, BlueChew. BlueChew is making waves and bringing more confidence to the bedroom by offering chewable tablets that can help make men


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get stronger and longer lasting erections. This is what I've dedicated my life to, and this is what I'm all about. A long and hard and strong erection. Thank you Blu Chu for making it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To combat all forms of ED. Ah man, I'm just in here like flexing my traps, I'm so excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's BlueChu.com, promo code Mom to receive your first month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cleanse the palette with something fun. This is something sweet right here, ready? I think this is, maybe this does come from a TikTok. This is a French dad with an English speaking daughter and she's having him say English words that he can't pronounce. It's sweet. Nice cleanse from crazy, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you did it. You just did it. Thanks. What the fuck is wrong with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You already know this. You already know this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, just fucking keep talking. God dammit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really insane. There's like, this is not like five people like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a few million people who are like, yeah, definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Of course. You just need to fucking level up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow, he's got some Potter lenses on his face, huh? Those things are...


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's always like, shut the fuck up. Oh, that's his shirt. Yeah. Hashtag shut the fuck up.


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[Assistant] I think it's so funny when people are like, I graduated high school, and they're like, yeah, no shit. Everybody's stupid. The fuck man. Do you get a water bill too? That's pretty impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I come from a community where, you know, a lot of people, and I'd like to stop right now and address this, that that was very insensitive and that, you know, if you are the first high school graduate in your family, that it's certainly commendable and, you know, maybe, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Time to grow the fuck up and realize that it's not a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, congratulations Aaron on your million followers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of, well here's the thing. He's, it's one of those things where I go, he's right, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like he's right. He's right. But he's also right for a certain type of woman. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, whatever, interesting and smart and funny and witty and like the full package. I don't think that you want to like not, you know, but if you're talking about hookup stuff, then his tactic is correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I don't know, there's also a line, like there's a line of like, when it becomes not worth it. Right? What do you mean? If someone's too aloof. Oh, then that's, yeah, they don't like you. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but do you feel that as a woman, how do you feel about the compliment part? Cause there is like a line for that, right? You want a compliment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, what made my dick soft one time is that I went on a date with this girl, and it was a good date, and I liked her, and she, as I left, was texting me. Eager beaver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes you think you, you know what I mean? Like, cause it can be subtle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Like this guy, he definitely fucks a lot. That guy fucks, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he is definitely giving good ev- Oh, his handle is alpha male sometimes.


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[Assistant] It's not wrong, it's not wrong. Yeah. I wish this would have been my big brother, you know? When I was in middle school. Hey man! Stop feeling sorry for that bitch! It's true. You know the best-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, we gotta wrap it up. Uhm, hopefully we'll see you on Friday at the live show. OMG. We're super excited about the live show. Livestream.ymhstudios.com to get your tickets. I highly recommend. Listen, everybody goes there at Showtime. A lot of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a chance. If you plan on watching it, get your ticket beforehand. You won't have to deal with any of the traffic of people arriving all at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yes, you can see it for an entire week. So if you, uh, want to watch after the live stream, you give it like a couple hours to reprocess. They upload it again and you can watch it for a whole week. But if you want to see it live, like I said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goes down on Friday, 6 p.m. Pacific time. Great guest, gonna be a great show. Anything else, Jean? No, I love you. Love you too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, forgive you. You put out later. Alright, here's, uh, you think you're tough? In parenthesis, I deserve a steak by odd track numbers. See you next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, this is Brooke. If you're a hot black man who came here over the age of 35,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the New York State area, Buffalo Rochester Syracuse, please like me and follow me. And I'll follow you right back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Inspirational? With the holidays coming up very soon. Thanksgiving in a couple weeks. And Christmas very soon after that. Yea, we get it. We're all in the giving mode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that always happens. It's tough not to show off. Sometimes it pokes through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I don't even know if this necessarily counts, and maybe this will be up for debate or something like that, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They usually have a request, uh, where they would like it to go, whether it be down the ol' hatch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It tastes, according to some, pretty good. I don't know if that means it's a surprise that it's good, like, you know how when you like go to eat something that looks gross, or, you know, people try to like go like, oh, have this gross thing, and you go, you hype it up so much in your head how gross it's gonna be, and then you eat it, you go, that wasn't so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, well, I've had glowing reviews thus far, five stars.


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[Assistant] And I don't even, I mean, people look, I mean, I'm telling you folks, I am as shocked at all this as you are. Okay? This is not a, this is not something where I go like, yeah, this is what happens to me. I realize this is insane. So please, I'm on your two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Uhm, no, I mean, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what I will say, what they have been shocked about is that they go, you're nice. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's odd, an odd thing to say I would say. They don't expect that maybe?


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[Assistant] You know, turns out if you just give that thousand yard stare, they think you're paying attention almost to them. And I am, a lot of the time, I'm not gonna lie, but sometimes I'm not, sometimes I'm like, wayyyyy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's where it gets a little dicey, perhaps, a little gray, a little muddy. I was cranking it prior to. So there was cranking. How much prior to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I wasn't, I didn't have a stopwatch on or anything like that.


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[Assistant] Because there was a few moments of in the mouth before it happened. Back it all up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is a lot, Christina, it would take about a few hours to describe all the different things that have occurred leading up to, uh, I mean, yea, intercourse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, everything occurred that would occur in a relation between a man and a woman, and then it got to the point, and this is where, this is why it came up by the way, because last week we brought up, have you ever, you said to me, have you ever sat on a girl's face aggressively?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The position that ended up making the instance occur was one of those, you know, dangle the head off the side. Like just, you know, girls do that where they're just like, I'm a dead body and they lay their head off the side and they're like, fuck my face, you know, that kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had, uh, put my D in the face. Okay. And was doing that for a while. That was fun. And then I put the balls on the mouth. Okay. And then she put the mouth on the other. So I was basically just like squatty potty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I, uh, I went back into the, uh, into the mouth, you know? Once it was free from its other duties and then, you know, lo and behold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will contend, and I'm not trying to, uh, ruin my own parade here or rain on my own party, but, uh, I, I mean, I was jaying my D to like, was I getting myself higher up to a certain point? Do you know what I'm saying? It wasn't completely unassisted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, because there were a couple occasions with this same lady in this instance where I begocked in the mouth, but I did the right before thing. And I put, and this was an accident, you know, because she wanted to, she said, taste it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what I did was I put her head on it too far to the point where she just swallowed it and she's like, I didn't even get to taste it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the kind of animal that you would only read about in French Romance novels, like, you know, what's that, Madame Bouvier or whatever. So this is, this has like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for certain, and uh, you know, I'm not saying that all, I don't know what else would require, there was, I'll say this to be gay about it, there was a connectivity, you know, that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a comfortability with this person. So that's, uh, probably why those things could have helped. But, uh, you know, also, you know, the scrum eating definitely accelerates things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is the best thing in the world. That's why I'll preach it up and down. I'm sorry. It really just is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it did, but I mean, I just didn't, uh, this one was particularly, uh, artistic with her abilities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you describe a rainbow? Do you know what I'm saying? It's, you can't, it's just the thing. You just go like, wow, you're good at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? Are you keeping in contact with this angel? Of course, yeaah. I mean, I don't, I mean, I don't foresee, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything beyond a few more maybe of these types of incidents, but uh, you never know. But you know what it is? Here's the thing, I don't want to dissuade people out there because just because we are in Operation Warp Speed does not mean that we have reached all 90, 100% efficiency yet. We have not reached that, so.


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[Assistant] Is there such, I haven't come across one, I mean if they do it, I think, I think the A for effort all the time, but uh, I don't know how you could be bad at it other than just being maybe too timid or just, so it's just like, don't even bother. Do you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chocolate stash. And then you're like, what happened last night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it is the best day? I don't eat often, like you mentioned. So if I know this might occur, I don't eat for the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I haven't eaten since yesterday. And I make sure I go really in there. I get right up in there, clean it all out.


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[Assistant] You know what? That's when a washcloth comes in handy. You wanna poo-poo your washcloth, call them for poor people, it's for preparing your b-hole to get ripped. That's what a washcloth is for. And then you throw it in the trash, cause it's a little piece of cloth and who gives a shit? You don't wanna wash that, it's got poopy on it. Throw it in the garbage, and get another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god yeah. You get a Brillo pad in there.


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[Assistant] Just the sexual connection for that- for that time, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, sure, I trust it. Once a girl is, like, step one, I'm gonna eat your ass, uh, you know, all the cards are on the table. Right. You don't really have much to live up to once a- Did you know that was gonna happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes and, I mean I did and I didn't. You know, girls say things. But she had said though? I wasn't gonna be like, you said you were gonna, you have a contract with these text messages where you said you were. But she had mentioned that she was gonna do it? Yes. Oh wow. And then did it and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is 100%, that's everything about it. She gave my brain a boner, cause she would be like, your dick's so great, blah blah blah, like complimentary, uh, I say. Complimentary, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're fucking balls right there. Like that Dominatrix you guys went to go see on Two Bears Live, like, the first second she was like, she like hit me and then called me a bitch or whatever, I would have maybe punched her. I would have like, saw her. I don't like those things. You're not supposed to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think you're right for that. No, that's not my speed. Fuckin' bitch, were you calling me? The first time I go, you hit me with that paddle again, and we're gonna have more than words. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I'm not kink shaming, it's not my speed, I don't relate to that. I liked this instance where it was like very flowery and nice, but also savage as fuck. Do you know what I'm saying? It was a real yin and yang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't want to go back in a lockdown where there's no cum, and uh, we just have no cum, we want to keep progressing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like next to a tree, like I was about to be like, alright, you know, like leaning up against a tree kind of thing, like where you're about to shit in a hole. In the woods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my balls are like on a net- on a neck and shit. This way. So, cause it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right there, it's right there, your nose is already there, what do you think? I mean, it's, you're, it's like you're saying, I don't wanna go to Jerusalem, but you're going to fucking Israel, and it's like, you can just stand in, you know what I'm saying?


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[Assistant] Yeah, you know, we, uh, we decided to just rearrange the order of some of these, just to, you know, I feel like it would be weird to see Tom healthy, then not healthy, then healthy, then not healthy, so. This is true. Yeah, so we're giving you a little New Year's treat a couple weeks ahead in advance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, uh, cause I had just gotten laid off at my day job. And I was like, oh, let's hit up like podcasts that I like that don't have video. And like within five minutes you responded. You're like, oh, why don't you meet me for breakfast tomorrow? Or like some point soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I remember you guys had just gotten...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, throatzilla, like on the podcast. I remember congratulating you on it, you're like, mhm, cool, thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uh, uh, but yeah, I remember being super nervous, but you were super chill and you made sure that I guess I wasn't too crazy to help on the team. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'll tell you what Tom, you have a gentleness to you. Thank you. That I never expected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when you put your hands on me, I was like, oh, something's about to break. And then it didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a little is an understatement. There were times I was really afraid.


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[Assistant] You know, it's really crazy because like, like I've been with you guys for five years and it used to be that I did everything for, for YMH and like the staff has just been slowly getting bigger and bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and it's like, oh my god, this per- like, and I think he took over when I, like, went to Israel, like, four years ago or something, so it's like, he already kinda knew stuff, and I mean, the biggest thing is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to do all the drops to the point where nothing used to bother me.


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[Assistant] I think that's the craziest thing about this year is that how I realize how inaccurately I could read what you think will funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I watch like a horrible or hilarious, like, oh, this is potential. And it's just like, at first it's like, oh, okay, it's the funny sounds. That's what he likes. And then as soon as I'm like definitively, that's what he likes, you're now, hey, prep this. And it's a muted video of someone getting run over by a car. It's like, all right, well now I don't know what the rule is. Cause like there's no sounds in this thing. But like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's, like, and here's what's crazy. I remember the foulest thing that I had ever prepped before Zolo came on was the septic tank swim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this place really changes you. You carve out a wood after like a couple weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just take a look and I could tell, cause I know who takes dumps in certain ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's just every, every, it seems like everything's an emergency for him, like whenever he needs to go to the bathroom, he's never leisurely walking to it. Right. He's going. He's running to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With purpose. Right, which explains the streaks cause it's like, he goes in fast, it goes out fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, uhm, then, I mean, I know that it's never any, so I know that. We know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I know when she's used the bathroom. Because she misses the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Explain, mist the toilet with pee? No, not with pee, with the wipes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the way that I know it's you, is that you seem to be one of the only people here that gets underneath the toilet seat. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Which is also interesting because Bert does that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did it after Two Bears Live and it was the wildest color I've ever seen. Black? It was black and under the seat.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we were all having lunch and, uh, I was demanding that Chris call me a dirty Jew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was not gonna do that. So I even asked Christina, can you threaten to dock his pay? And he still wouldn't do it. And look at him, saying all these,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, just that he approached it the exact same way that I did. Like, he attached like a resume that actually, like he's like, I wanna work here, also here's my resume. And the resume looked pretty good. And I was like, oh okay, he's doing this the right way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's in the gang, so why you keep putting your hookers on me? What's up, rad-ass Uncle Tom nigger?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This shit ain't nothing but a game, people, in these Memphis streets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. We got one more to go right here. You okay right there, Lauren?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got it Christmas from my mom, and it was the first thing me and her really bonded over, was Lava Garfield. So, uh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ancient religious icon cultures of Eurasia. It's using Indian languages, uh, Indian religions, including Hinduism, Buddhism, and Jainism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. So I, you know, it's just been such a rough and tumble year. You know, it's been hard on all of us. I think we're all real thankful that things have been going as well as they have over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, you know, what I wanted to do was show a little appreciation, and first, I'd like to ask you if the name, Jorge Casillas, means anything to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe if you play, uh, uh, before you open that, maybe if you play the video that's in that folder that says, uh, gift, maybe it'll remind you who Jorge is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you remember, he was the CEO of a company that made tequila. So as a thank you to you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean I was trying to, I actually tried to get my teeth whined like, right when coronavirus started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, a whole bunch of shit got in the way and closed down and I couldn't really do it anymore. And then, uh, in December, when we had like staff on the couch, the number one comment I heard was like, Jesus Christ, Nadav, your teeth are fucking disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, I mean, like, don't get me wrong, I love flogging myself, and it's just like, oh yeaah, well this is good ammo, like you're a piece of shit in a duck, you know, it all helps me, you know? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're a lot nicer. It's, uh, I got it all done in one session.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm not letting this get away from me again. Like I'm going back to go get some trays, which is, I mean, I think that's kind of bullshit. I didn't realize that getting your teeth away and came with homework. So I'm a little bummed about that, but it's like, I gotta keep this up. You know, I don't, I don't want to get the yellow teeth comment again. Yeah. Good for you, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those of you who are watching this TikTok video, I must have something serious to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are not allowed to meet up with any user who you may meet on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter, or even on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I can choose to stay at home and obey the rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or go out and disobey the rules. Because if I do, my parents will be very disappointed in me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is the number one serious video that I'm making on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No worries. So uhm, somebody recommended you, I have been on the search for trying to figure out a language that my brother Tom is speaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was an unfortunate event but my brother and I were feeding deer in our backyard and sure enough one of the deer just kicked him right in the head and after about a month of recovery


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, you know, good now, his health is good, but he just keeps speaking this language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been doing Google Translation. We've called different professors with no luck. So I wanted to see if you could at least listen to my brother for a moment and maybe try and distinguish whether he's speaking Latin or what language he's speaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, what about Jarvis? Is that a Latin word? He's always going on about Jarvis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've read about those people that have, you know, gone into a coma and woken up and can speak like Cantonese or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's not retarded. He's definitely speaking a language. No?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look more into the Hindi language. I think you're onto something with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I really appreciate all your help and your time, Professor. Good luck with everything. Say goodbye, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi ladies, uh, some people told me that I should come on here and see if there's any single people that want a date. I live in the New York area, um, upstate New York. I'm single and I'm looking for somebody special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, it was about like, I can't remember what exactly it was, but maybe like two weeks in, I was like, yeah, Blake would have quit by now. There's no way. But it was so nice of her to introduce us. Yes, it was. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so the job of a produ- one of the jobs of a producer is to kind of help the writer get the words onto screen. And like, the words that you had written probably would have cancelled the studio. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, very violently, the, very descriptive of how violent it was. It was supposed to be, smash the head on the dash first, and then throw the wind up. Oh sorry, yea yea, dash first, yea. And we felt that it probably wouldn't read too well on screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I think we went out to actors with the script pre, I think pre rewrite and the casting agent was like, no one's going to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then we were like, okay, Christina can come in and do it. And then we were like, I really need to change this. But then we rewrote it. We wrote it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that, yeaah. I was trying to channel a little wolf forte on that, but yeaah. That was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, that was a lot of fun. I mean, we've had a lot of other great things we've done too. The dominatrix was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. That was like an experience because it was just us three. You know, there was no one else cause of COVID. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a lot of F bombs being dropped, so I also. F and R bombs? Yea, I also edit, uh, the thing, a lot of the pre-tapes, and uh, there's a lot of stuff on the, a lot of F bombs on the, and R bombs on the cutting room floor. Yea, I bet. Yea. You're like, she went wild with it, man. Yea, like, probably 30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess sort of the corner of my eye I've seen a lot of things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely changed though, eye-opening in terms of like characters I've met. Like, uh, I guess just virtually I didn't ever meet Robert Paul Champagne, but like, no, he wasn't someone in my world before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, I was driving around the other day and this like thing happened where I was like, what are all these people doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because in my world before it wasn't like, I didn't know that there were these type of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I thought, so my mom, uh, after I'd sent her, uh, texted me and was like, you can't work there anymore. After you sent her what? How fast we went. Oh really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I don't know if we're supposed to say it, cause I don't think it was legal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then we, and then we were back in my Tesla, which Tesla's a fast car and we felt like we were in sludge. We were going 80 miles per hour. We were like, is this car moving?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coverage on that. Wait, what did your mom say? She was like, I don't want you working there, I don't want you like driving with him anymore. Shit. I was like, mom, I'm 33, I'll be okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend that rode my bike like when she was 18 or something and still has 15 years later burns on her leg. Cause like we were just fucking around and she was just like, you know, like with shorts. Burned her leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm excited. I'm very excited. I think it's like, so I came from SNL and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have freedom there, but here it's like a whole other level of like creative freedom where you're not like beholden to the studio or like the network where we can do whatever we want, you know? And we can think of crazy ideas and do them and like not s-sweckin' in trouble about them. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I'm here for. So yeah, thank you for bringing me on because it's like, it's like a creative world that you don't get everywhere, you know? Yeah. A lot of fun things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bye guys. Bye Gene. Hello, this is Captain Marcel. My sister went down, going down to the mountain to save my sister. Tell everybody I'll be back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you look, if you look at the lady's face while it's happening. It lines up. It lines up with what she's, with what we're hearing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a little hard for me to decipher. I thought, I thought it was a, a male fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was made by Reese, and it's Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Good point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No you can't. No you can't. That's not what people call it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone calls it a Reese Cup. I've never heard anyone call it a Reese Cup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could last minimum of three days maximum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wooo! We got some new merch baby! Go check it out, store.ymhstudios.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I haven't heard of that specifically, but that is not my interpretation of what the song was about. I mean, I've been a fan of Soulja Boy since before Soulja Boy was Soulja Boy, so it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He don't, he don't do, he doesn't do words underneath the lyrics like that, you know what I mean? He's not that type. So it's like, it's literally just a dance. The Superman in hell is just a dance. It's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, nah, you're doing the crank that, the song's called Crank That Soldier Boy and you crank it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, I don't think you're gay if you do it. I think, uh, I think you'd be gay if you liked it, if you want to do it again. Interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean, we got a month, right? You got a month. That's something. Do you do anything special?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nooooo. No. No? Never? No, like, I'll, uh, I feel like generally I grew up expecting that other people would celebrate me on that month. Oh. And, uh, it didn't work out that way. That's not what it's about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that we haven't heard of it, it's just that no one actually does that. I would like to differ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I mean, when the song came out, it was like, like, it was, you know, yeaah, it was a dance. Like, everyone, like, learned to dance, and, uh, that was- Did you do the dance? Uh, I used to, yeaah. Really? I definitely memorized the dance, and we were the coolest guys in college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that all the info we get? Is there context? Is there, like, is this just, is this like a one on one session? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're teetering. I think you're getting real close to dangerous territory of not being heterosexual anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think after that, I would definitely be asking that, uh, to myself a lot. I think, I think, yes, I think, I think after that I'd be like, am I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I think that's the thing. I think if a dude has sex with a dude, after that, you're at least bi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A booze cruise or something? This feels like a, like, I dunno, like maybe a Chabad or something is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like enlisted a booze cruise, maybe it's a bar mitzvah, maybe like it's a wedding or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the, like, Jewish, like, celebrations involve a lot of circle dancing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Circle dancing and like arm all over shoulders and like just jumping up and down, like it gets real crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like the captain is like, you guys almost capsized the boat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yeaah, I think it's definitely the first time he's been- he's been- He said 25.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think it's probably they heard a story from one of their other Jay friends, just like, hey, they'll totally just give you a golf cart. Cause like, I mean, I mean, if you look at them,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They all kind of wear the same uniform. They all kind of look like they work somewhere. No, I think they're playing into the fact that they do look like they work somewhere. I mean, Orthodox Jews like all kind of dress the same colors, you know, it's white and black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and so I think one of them, like, just got a golf cart, like, probably someone was just like, oh yeaah, hey, here are the keys. And they're like, hey, if you go to this golf course, you might be able to get one. They'll just, they just give you golf cart, uh, golf carts. I think that's what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's like, it's the Chabat, the orthodox people know how to get fucked up. The first time I, the first time I went to an Israeli wedding, like I was 13, and there's just bottles of absolute that rabbis are holding and pouring into open mouths. My mouth too, I was prepubes, like it's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't give a shit, they're like, you're getting fucked up, it's a mitzvah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're having a special any episode. Yeah, you got it. We'll come up with real cool stuff. Yep. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's just the entire season of fall. Fall is? I mean we have so many Jewish holidays that are jam-packed in there that it's- Which are?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yep, I sat down and I remembered the Holocaust. That's what you did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you're doing that day. Okay. Sit down and you think about it. Just sit down and I think about my grandmas and my grandpas and what they went through and how cool their tattoos are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, like, right off the beginning, I mean, setting up the first date, yeaah, that's all text. Like, you don't call them up and be like, hey, I'd love to take you out. It already starts with texting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like every person has a rule. Like I don't really text until I've met the person, like in real life. And so I usually just stay in the DMS until we actually meet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if, if I, if they're, you know, if I'd like a second date, then it switches over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Sattva. Go to Sattva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit and get $225 off your mattress purchase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's have a great day and do me a favor, uh, for your friend Tommy here. Let those boobs hang. And uhm, you know, let's make a couple videos. Send me a couple videos. Let's all have fun today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that, that the, the way that that guy starts, he's like, good morning, let your boobs hang. And then, and then he's like, let's all, let's all have a great day. Like we're all in this together. You know, it's like saying like, good morning, let's meditate, do some yoga and let's all have a great day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To him. And then he's like, see? I started the fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh hey man, nice to meet you. I hope you have a good birthday. What's he turning?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a big one. It means you can jack off in public now. How much you turned 21. Not against the law anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I jacked off on this lady's face. It was, uh, it was at a library.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was actually putting the moves on the Spanish girl on my 21st birthday and then her sister started to hit on me. So I thought I was gonna get the old rooty tootie fresh and fruity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From these two Spanish chicks. And then their dad was like, hey, you know, leave my daughter alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the one that was more like, you know, attitude was hotter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not at all. No. Okay. No, we're in a loving marriage. It's totally different. I'm talking about like straight up slut shit here. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not hesitant. I'm telling you, I'm like, yeah, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean, here's the thing. I don't want you to be an asshole. That's not exciting. It's not attractive. No, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like that. No, here's what I don't like. I don't like, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I'm talking about, I have to go back to being single, but like I don't like, uh, I don't know, whatever you want to do. That turns me on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is that? Is that someone's phone? That's you. That is a phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Which is like, why don't you bring me a plate of salami, something nice. I went out on dates with a couple girls like that who I was just like, you know, I fucking want to put your head through that table right now. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I'll say it, a lot of times people say it and they're completely off, but in this case, I will concede, this guy looks just like me and I like him. This is my twin brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like where I'll be like, oof, and this guy right here, I'm feeling it. You know what it is? I think it's that I dig his vibes so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the jewelry, I like, this is me if I'm, if I'm single, right? I'd be like, I'd be like, hey ladies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't mind, I'll take you shopping, you just, you just pee on me when I want it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I go, I don't wanna fa- like, I'm not gonna have a family, then I'd lean right into the- You know what I mean? Like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd go like, what was the guy, the guy who owned the bunny ranch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. I had cigars and stuff and I'd be like, right. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that that headline says, dead brothel owner Dennis Hoff wins Nevada. What is that headline? What is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the message. His message is, use me for money. Just also put out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The late, the late Denisov, a Donald Trump style Republican candidate defeated Democrat in the contest. Jesus. What happens when you die and win an election though? Not that that could happen in the upcoming election. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy, he won, let's see, the late Nevada brothel owner also had a presence in the entertainment world, yea that's right, I remember HBO's Cat House. That was a great show. We liked that one. He took inspiration from Trump's book, The Art of the Deal. Oh, he wrote The Art of the Pimp. Lovely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, they, they paid, they paid rent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I ordered us new iPhones, and I ordered us cases. And I guess on the app I was just like, cool, this color and that color. I just got blue and I got you, I don't know, I forgot when I got you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it arrived, I have that thing where I have anxiety about opening the new phone because I fear the transfer of data. Oh my god, of course. So I left it in the box for like a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bought a new phone and I was like, I don't want to open it. I'm gonna have to sync it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I finally open it, transfer it, and then I'm like, alright, I gotta put the case on it. And I get this case out and I'm like, what the fuck? And it's got the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fold on it. And then I keep all my important documents in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I keep my birth certificate and my social security card cause and then sometimes I'll wear a laminate around my neck and it says my name is Tom if you need help ask me. And then I offer help to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy when you see that in Europe, like when you're walking and you know it's an American who's like, my name is Shannon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm staying at this hotel. Yeah, rob me. Parlez-vous Anglais? And then, like, she thinks that someone's gonna take her thing and be like, oh yeah, I can help you. No problem, no problem. Come into the back of the car, take your panties off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like that, uhm, Trish? Yo. Yo. Look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I'm not hating on it. I'm not hating on the concept of doing this. I will say I'm not such a fan of what I'm seeing, but I'm not mad at the idea or the concept of doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Those are the words I was looking for. Thank you. You can remove it now. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, does not. Uhm, but yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's lying about a lot of things except for the fact that he'll probably put you in cuffs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And put it up your ass and things like that, yeaah. And you can meet him in his tent when he gets off of his garbage dump, uhm, work. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's just, it is a cool, I think, a call, an appeal to most ladies is be like, by the way, I might smell like garbage during this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our work goes with us. Yea, if you paint houses all day, you'll probably smell like paint if you work at a fish market. But I think that like if you go like, hey I work at a garbage dump, maybe you leave it off of your dating pro- you can do it, but maybe don't- it's not like a selling point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A tent. And I'll put a collar on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Just uhm, because I didn't want you to like, forget it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to see another cool video? Sure, always. This is so insane. This is in Argentina. This is on the news there. Okay. So the guy that you'll see with a woman on his, like sitting on his lap in the, in, in Fran, there's like zoom squares, is a legislator. I think he's a senator. Okay. But look what he does during the zoom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that, that, uh, news lady was saying like, basically, you're, this is such a scandal, you're not gonna believe that he did this in front of everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, he sucked her tits. Pretty rad. It's like the equivalent of like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so gross. So gross. That is disgusting. Yeaah. That is so disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you Rowan. That is an important update. So, you heard it here first on YMH News. Men, some of them, like having their tits sucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, that's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. How big a load I'm gonna swallow. Okay. Um, yeah, where's this thing? So, oh, did you see this? This was pretty cool. This was like kind of trending a little while ago. This elephant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, do you see, do you see anything, do you see anything weird here in this, in this clip? Just watch, okay? I'm scared. No, just see if you see anything that stands out to you. What, what stands out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there's- that's right up the- he's splitting the testes. You realize that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would, yea, you would either pull it like above the seam or just move, you don't want like the seam running, like it's, they're clearly running right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well let's take a quick break because we gotta bring our good buddy Josh Potter in here to talk about the Roach Motel. So we will be right back in one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back with our very own host of the Roach Motel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With Josh Potter, you can find the video of it right here on your mom's house podcast YouTube page. You can also go on iTunes, rate, review and subscribe. Listen wherever you listen to podcasts. So great to have Josh. How are you buddy? Hey, how are you? Good to see you. Congrats on your Buffalo Bills. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, you're an artist. Definitely you're an artist. I will say also that if uhm, if, I will send you to the Super Bowl if they make it, but the caveat is you have to take this guy with you. This guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, his pitch is that he worked at a garbage dump and he, you could go to his RV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's getting the brakes fixed on his RV. Okay. So he's sending you to, he said you can come to his tent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This would be a crazy, uhm, like, uh, contest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll never get thrown, but it would be great if they could line up fans of like a team, like a super fan, like you want to go see your favorite team play, and they're like yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I laughed so hard at the, uh, uh, at the promos that you've been putting out. Um, so like what, what's going, like tell people about what you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not like a sports show. I mean, for instance, like in the recent promo, you had, um, any guess which NFL quarterback raped or was accused of rape. And then yes. And you had images of people and he picked Russell. I laughed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but like maybe you'll find cool things like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And secondly, I was like lulled to sleep. I like to spin the pause. I like to find the positive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what do you think, like, he puts this out, let's say on the talk or something, like, do you think it's an influx of like, baby, you can sing and I want to come and meet you, like, do you think he's getting fan comments?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TikTok rock, uhm, the internet's got talent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember, um, fed smoker trying to get a, uh, a car dealership to sponsor him? That's easy to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, I, I actually, so Zolo put this in the folder, I was like, I remember doing a dive on Fedsmoker and he walked into a car dealership and was like, do you guys want to sponsor me? And they were like, you need to leave. Like, immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So has, has the uhm, recent, you know, pandemic evolution led to or restricted uhm, your sexcapades?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you heard it. Go see Potter. Those are on your website.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get tickets to see Josh, and don't forget the Roach Motel with Josh Potter every week on our YouTube page, your Moms House Podcast YouTube page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think I wanna look like this? I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I had long, luscious locks, but I waited and it was too late!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And once you've noticed thinning hair, it can be too late. Now I buzz my head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it might not be too late for you to get involved, take action and save.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That full head of hair. What do you gotta do? You go to 4himms.com, the one stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. It's time to write a new chapter, one in which you have hair. Do not go to the gas station to buy those over the counter supplements. These are real prescription solutions backed by science.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today, HIMS is giving you their best offer yet. If you're not happy with your results after 90 days, HIMS will give you a full refund. And right now, our listeners can get their first visit absolutely free. Go to 4HIMS.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ForHimms.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, big news, joining us now, the writer and director of the opening act, which you can see in theaters, video on demand, everywhere movies are available. Steve Burns here everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You couldn't have offered me that part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am, uh, I am, uh, in the movie. I'll start by telling our listeners and viewers that. Yes. You gave me a part. Thank you very much. Thanks for doing it. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since I play, I can say what I play, right? I play a police officer. And then, uhm, you guys had the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the movie LAPD vehicle, which is exactly like an LAPD, like, I mean it looks, and it has the monitor, the computer and everything. So one of the PAs was like, you're gonna pull up to this set in this vehicle, cause I'm playing a cop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, do all the buttons work? And he was like, yeah, I think so. So I was like, and I was doing it and had lights going and they're like, you are right next to a freeway right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If somebody reacts to what you're doing and ends up like in an accident, you're going to shut down this entire production. I was like, okay, so where can I do this? And they're like, well, just drive away from the highway. I was like, okay, that, cause that's dude playing in everybody's dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, somewhat vulgar at times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody would talk about that club. Before I ever played it, I'd hear stories. Deja Vu was the other one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she did heroin. She told me she did heroin. Excuse me? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, she was open about it and I was like, I don't give a shit. And you raw dog? Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she had armpit hair. Oh, really? You were hungry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I noticed it. She was sitting by the pool in a leather bathing suit. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you guys ignore. You ignore them. I guess we ignore them. Do you ever walk into her farts? Never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, you know Jerry Nadler? I do not know Jerry. You've seen him on the news. Okay. I believe, is he a senator? Is he a senator? I think he's a senator, right? Jerry Nadler is a senator from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, congressman, I'm sorry. So you've seen him on TV a million times. I've never seen him standing. And he looks like he may fart and shit his pants. On this screen here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, Eni, in the booth there, the uh, Tanner guy, he's in the sun all the time. He's been to your show, he was on stage with you. Oh, really? Sausage party?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a very like, you know, a strict, not strict, but we stick to a schedule here because there's a lot of things being shot and recorded and produced here in this office. One of them being


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tomorrow? And I was like, no, we do your mom's house tomorrow. We'll do our show Wednesdays. He's like, uh, well, I'm going on vacation and I go, I'm sorry, when?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, uh, the day after tomorrow, I go, oh, what about like our recording schedule? He's like, yeah, I just kind of came up with it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, dude, we were just talking about this, and he, I think I can say, can I say the, I can say the archery thing, right? Yea, cause it's on the, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's fine, right? I mean, he was saying how he grabbed a bow and arrow recently and somebody was like, are you sure you know how to handle that? And he was like, I think so. And they're like, dude, no, no, no. And, and, and he was, he started to play with them. He was like, I mean, do you pull it back? And they're like, just put it down. And then boom, he shot a bullseye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, she was like, she was like heroin hot, you know what I mean? Like, you could see like the, uh, the cheekbones, like protruding, like skeletal, you know what I mean? Like you knew she needed help, but here's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was visiting alone. Traveling alone. Some of the locals were very good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The locals, the locals were putting it on her, the move on her, and they're very aggressive, the local Arab men, and she was kind of scared, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god. Oh Jesus, what? Now my friend's aunt, yea. Oh wow. And like, picture your friend's aunts. That's what she looked like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cardi, a lot of whiskey. I got real drunk. Real drunk. How old were you? Uuuh, 22 or something. Did your friend, like, pass that? I thought he didn't know. So I was like, oh, I was so glad that he didn't know. And then the next day I was like, you know, like, when I finally got


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he called me, I was like, hey, what's up? He's like, what's up? I was like, not much. He's like, how was your night? And I was like, oh, I'm hungover. He's like, he's like, yeah, dude, uh, you fucked my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she was divorced. She had two children that are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing that I'll, I'll just never remember was like that, that face. Like her face. She, she looked like a dock worker. You know, she had like a- Oh, Jesus Christ. She- Like a deadliest catch third tier offshoreman. Like a, like a shoreman with just a wig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apparently I made out with somebody else at that party that worked at the office there. I don't even remember her. And somebody else told me, they were like, you were making out with some other lady, like some lady in accounting. And I was like, oh. Uhm, I do remember


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[Assistant] I do remember that it was, it was not, I did not finish, remember that.


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[Assistant] And you can do so much with this. That's one of the things that's so great about this, is that this talent will carry you to so many open doors.


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[Assistant] Conquer that which conquered you, right? That's what they say. No, he's back? He's back.


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[Assistant] I should do this video just like he did and you see my gut like spilling over the button and they're like, where's the button? And you're like, hold on, I gotta lift this up and it's in here.


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[Assistant] Here's the good news. Enough people did like and respond and comment. So we lucked out.


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[Assistant] I'd like to thank our sponsor, whoop, I wear this thing 24 seven, man. I am so into it. We know a lot about a lot. We know 2020 has been a tough year. We know we want to live healthier lifestyles. What we don't know a lot about ourselves and how our behaviors impact us and we can change that.


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[Assistant] By getting a whoop and following all that insight, get to know how what you do affects how your body recovers and progresses. Get that insight into your recovery, your strain and your sleep with actionable feedback in real time. It's incredible. This thing knows.


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[Assistant] What you do when you do it and tells you, hey, today's a day to push yourself. Today's a day to rest, go to sleep.


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[Assistant] Get going. Maybe pull back on caffeine. All of it. All of everything affects how your body reacts. Right now our listeners


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[Assistant] Uhm, can get a special deal. Whoop is offering 15% off with the code YOURMOM at checkout. Go to Whoop. W-H-O-O-P dot com. Enter YOURMOM at checkout to save 15%. Get to know yourself on a deeper level. Unlock yourself with Whoop.


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[Assistant] Let me ask you because, I mean, I'm fortunate enough to have been a part of the film, but


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[Assistant] I mean, obviously I know it's based on your story. I know, I know, but I really am curious. How did you, it's such, people don't realize how improbable it is to get a movie made. Sure.


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[Assistant] Did you have the script and you just send it to somebody to read?


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[Assistant] In the moment, man. Totally in the moment. By the way, it's super, like, I don't know, you probably got past it, but like seeing Peter Billingsley and like,


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Like, it's so, right, cause he's the kid. From A Christmas Story. And like, so every time he was talking I'd be like...


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[Assistant] I was like, I go, you should dry out. I just wanted to say it like a hundred times and he actually looks like still a little kid, like a man who still has like the baby


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[Assistant] If you don't, yeah, drop it. Help him out. He's so earnest. The problem is if you don't have somebody make that pocket, if you just have that seam, then you could, you know, you could accidentally end up like this guy.


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[Assistant] That's a really good question. By the way, one of your own. So this whore was a goth slut back in the day. Were you? Like gothy? Makeup. Were you really?


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[Assistant] But you were super gothy. Super. I would not have ever. Purple hair, blue hair, pink hair. All of that. All white, makeup, French coat.


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[Assistant] It feels like her goth attire and appearance and persona bump up against who he is as a Christian interment.


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[Assistant] Christina is a big, big TikToker and she likes to find the best talks, not the talks they want you to see, the mainstream media, the real talks, the dark lane, the dark talks. So these are some that she has pulled and we just watch them and talk about them.


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[Assistant] I'll tell you that, that's right. He's adorable. He's got a dick nose. He does have a dick nose. That should be his lead message. I'll fuck you with my nose. Ladies.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, I can see myself. Here's the thing. I don't, I don't meet Christina. I don't have two kids. I'm putting out videos like this every week. I'm like, I'm on the road. I'm in Philly. What's up, whores? Hit me up.


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[Assistant] I also like that he thinks he came up with like, something interesting to try. It's even more.


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[Assistant] Well, the first thing you do is you shout out the uh, the adults on television.


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[Assistant] Or then they'll show me like, my dad will show me his ear. I'm like, lean more into the frame though, so I can see you.


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[Assistant] It was perfect. It was a slow draw. Actually, here's the thing, the, you know, she's farted like this my whole life. Yeah. And so she had farted once before that and I go,


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[Assistant] Jokingly, I'm like, you think you got a good one in there? You think you can really cook one up? And she goes...


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[Assistant] She goes like, let me see. And she turns and I see her hands.


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[Assistant] It was amazing. Dude, I had companies hit me up, right? Cause we, um, we threw all that like TMZ shit on there. Cause I knew people would like just, I go, I don't want anyone throwing their, their labels on here. So I put my shit out. I had companies being like, Hey, can we license that video?


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[Assistant] Yeah. They're like, can you send us the original? I was like, no, no. Wow.


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[Assistant] I'm not trying to monetize my mom's farts, unless it's for my own benefit.


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[Assistant] And I go, what about, but it's real money. And she's like, how much? And I was like, thousands of dollars.


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[Assistant] You know what, I'm so upset looking at his mouth that I don't even want to replay it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it was. Oh my god. Yeah. I don't, I don't understand how you can neglect your mouth to that degree.


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[Assistant] What would you, what would you do if his next day he's like, I've never had a sip of alcohol in my entire life.


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[Assistant] What is that you think? When you're, you know, people like that, you're like, what are you doing, dude? I just told you to keep it down.


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[Assistant] So he has this lady convinced, he's like, I got a pretty big presence on social media. I got a lot of fans, I got this whole thing going, and she doesn't know what the fuck's up, so she's like,


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[Assistant] Can you imagine, she's like, I work for that guy. I'm lucky enough to get the job. I don't get paid, but I'm around him all the time, and it's pretty cool.


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[Assistant] I'm really impressed this guy. I'm really impressed. Jesus Christ. Why would you tell the...


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Can I, can this be the last one? Sure.


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[Assistant] I know, I love that he goes, it'll look professional when we get it done, but we just wanted to show you how it could look not professional. So we drew it. And with not a model. Right. Oh no. No.


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[Assistant] Officials, right? And he's got a girl sitting on his lap. And look what he does. He's on the news. Right in the middle there. So these are all...


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[Assistant] It does, it does. He puts out, by the way, I asked Nadav for his info, he puts out like 16 videos a week. And they're each like an hour. He's like praying the rosary for Trump today, or like praying the rosary for this legislation to pass, and he talks for an hour.


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[Assistant] He does. He does. And every video has like, you know, 131 views and shit like that. Still going. Still pushing for it.


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[Assistant] Well, this guy, this guy we saw has a real theory on it. What have you found about it?


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[Assistant] Are you this guy in disguise? That's right. Are you him?


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[Assistant] Who plays that other comic part? Alex Moffat. He plays the feature act. God damn it. He really, really reminded me of so many people you meet on the road who you're like, God, I hope I never meet you again.


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[Assistant] Oh, it was great. Uhm, it will be available in theaters. I know there's limited like theater availability in a lot of places right now.


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[Assistant] VOD, it's all out there. VOD, iTunes, everywhere you can read movies. Wonderful. Congratulations, the opening act. Thank you.


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[Assistant] Uh, our closing song, Feather in It, uh, oh, once again by Hen Dog. Hen Dog's in another mix. Okay. Prolific. Uhm, thanks so much.


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[Assistant] This will be the most important question of your fucking life. Whenever you start a conversation with your significant other, say this. Do you want me to listen or do you want me to fix?


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[Assistant] Who wants to play? Uuuh. Wooden paddle? Jeez.


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[Assistant] Well the girlfriend was screaming at me, give it to me, give it to me, I'm so wet, just give it to me. I says, I don't care how much you scream, I'm keeping the fucking umbrella.


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[Assistant] Alright. Gene? Yea? Wanna sign us off? Alright.


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[Assistant] Oh, 2020, you year of wooders, cooters, and limboes of the maybe-soes. Yes, you made us look you in the eye and recognize.


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[Assistant] And now as we stabilize, organize, and get on the ready to respond, we have to reveal and revive so we can testify. It's on you. It's on me.


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[Assistant] Uh, cause one, you're making me live longer by the lafters, so thank you for that. Consider my, my funny bone officially tickled. Uh, be sure and tag me at Officially McConaughey and hashtag green lights book. In the meantime, in all times, just keep living. Come on.


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[Assistant] In order for excellence, there is a new California champagne by Paul Masson. CUT!