[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just, when I saw him, I'm like, that guy vapes. And then I saw that the banner was for a vape. I'm like, oh, he works. Do you vape? I will, like, when I have to, as far as weed goes, but I don't vape cig- I smoke cigarettes like a fucking human. Yeah. You know? Like a real fucking man. Like a fucking person. You don't smoke these fucking vapes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, yeaah, and I also don't wear gym shorts or polo shirts. It's like the opposite of my wardrobe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember one time we did a show in like Long Island or some shit, and I wore like a collared shirt with a sweater over it, and you were like, you look really nice, and I was like, thanks, and then I like, didn't do well, and I was like, I'm never dressing like this ever again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd fucking wear a tank top, I'd wear a basketball jersey. Would you wear- I wanna start wearing-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, I get, I stopped, I've calmed down in recent years, but I used to get like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Borderline militant when I'd see someone wearing shorts. I'm like, you have some pride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you just walk out of the dorm room? Yeah. You fucking child, like what are you doing? He was saying-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like a gross woman having their tits out, where you're like, I can't look away, but I want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they just look like th- it's cause you're just thinking, where's the shower bro, like what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's definitely the vape patrol. That guy's got a polo. They're coming over to help his boy. There's track and field guy here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think some people are. You think so? Special breed, they're like, oh look a ruckus, how can I get involved? Did you see the Disneyland ruckus? Oh my god, that was just nonsense. That was crazy. That guy is such a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I'm good, I'm good bro. Like back up. And then he grabbed women. Yea, yea, yea, yea. As he walked by, he grabbed their hair. Such a bitch move. Yea. In Disney World, or Land, or wherever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If all these people work at the school, what are the children doing? Should these people be doing something else? They're all part of the vape fest, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be like, what, yea, what do you want right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he did. He uploaded, it's like, oh, wait till they get a load of me. Wait till they see how well I did. Can't wait for all the pats on my back I'm going to receive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He used it a lot. Yeah, he did. He did. You should have called him TikToked. Yeah, super TikToks. Yeah, they're both TikToks. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially because he's accepting the advertising dollars and he's a, he's a whore for a man. Oh right. It's really cerebral. You're a fat ass. You're a fat ass whore. Whore, taking this money. You money slut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I love it, man. That sounds like everyone on fuckin', uh, Twitter yesterday. Yeaah. Being like, hey, what's up with the eyes? Yeaah, why are your eyes


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you had anybody that was a real serious possibility?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because, I mean, did it blow anyone's mind? I mean, we went into this because of a video where he's like, piss on me, beat me. I think, I thought it was kind of par for the course, you know? Wasn't the shocking part to me. But the fact that he was, like, concerned about Grand Theft was the more surprising part, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that part, it's like, he doesn't care about the rape, that part I was like, okay, I get where you would be coming from in that case. But the part where he's like, but these antiques, I'm like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I'm always shocked at like how valuable a baseball card could be. Yeaah. Or something like that, because I feel like- Did you collect that stuff? You like sports. I tried to, I think. My dad definitely collected a lot of baseball cards. He did? But then, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my dad still has them cause he's like, this will be your college someday. And I guess what? Didn't work out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, did you go at all to college? Yeah, three years. And did the cards pay for it? No, I'm fucking paying for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still, I've got a long way to go. Hell yea dude. Which college did you go to? I went to a small Jesuit college in Buffalo called Canisius College. Expensive? Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't get, I didn't get it. I'm a comm major. I didn't even get it. I was already, I had a full-time job in the business and I'm like, what am I wasting time getting a degree for? Just give us 80 grand and we'll be fine. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, cool. So, and I, yeah, I went three years and it was 80 grand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm not, I mean I dropped out, I'm not like crying about it, but I, uh, You know, it sucks. And the baseball cards didn't do shit. That's all I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, yeaah. I mean, maybe I should just, uh, have Robert let me get some of those antiques. Oof, but I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he is looking for someone to leave stuff in his will, and I feel like I am high on that candidate. You gotta be on the list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, he has my phone number. Yeah, uh, yeah, while, and he, yeah, I consider him a friend as well by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about that? That's something, huh? Yeah! Drink this piss or get the fuck out of here. Or get out. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they know, they, yeah, exactly. You're fucking hardcore. And, you know, it's interesting that that was the bar's policy because, uh, you know, if people drink piss, they're not really spending a lot of money at the bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it might be the reason it went out of style, you know what I mean? That bar didn't stay open very long, maybe because of their business practices.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you're in the club, you know? It's like, uh, I don't know, that's why I asked him even if it was some sort of hazing, he didn't really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeah. It's gotta be good. It's, it's for like... And I know, I know people are disappointed that I didn't, uh, either drink the piss or share my piss with Rob. I really thought that might happen. Yeah, what happened there? The thing is, and this is, this comes up in a lot of scenarios with certain complaints perhaps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is no space in that room. Yea. There is no space to set up cameras properly. There is no space. We're lucky we got either of us in a shot. Yea. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and so if I were to piss, we weren't allowed to go in the bathroom also, by the way, in the kitchen. You were not allowed to go to the bathroom. Not allowed to go check out the bathroom, as we have in our tour coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can see at one point in the interview how close we're sitting with our hands down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give it a kiss down there. Well that brings me to the reason the piss thing didn't happen is because I'm adverse to the smell of urine. It really bugs me. And it was profound throughout the house already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if I were to then piss into a glass, I might have thrown up. And there was no place, there was no place to throw up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, it was just like one of those things where, and poor Paul, our director, is, by the way you see how close we're sitting, Paul is literally standing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right next to us there. We're all confined into a space as big as like this to this. It's that small, huh? That small. We were in a little alcove. The rest of the sh- There's all kinds of stuff everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't see it, uh, I feel so blessed that I'm so blind because I probably didn't see a lot of things in that dark place, you know, that I wouldn't have wanted to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I was. It was like I, uh, jumped up in the background.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lead singer queen, Mr. Freddie Mercury. And this is, I'd imagine, before he unfortunately, uh, was infected with the HIV virus, or we don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? People are like, all these wild tales and stuff, and I'm like, wild tales? They all sound true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he is that way, dude. He is kind of like, there is that yin and yang to him, which is a very intriguing part about Robert, is that he's very careful and caring and sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, he has another side that he wants to just get punched in the fucking face by a giant black man. Right. While he pounds his ass. Or Latino, let's be honest. Or Latino, or as we learned in the interview, now Middle Eastern as well. Middle Eastern guys can get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to figure out if it's because they are shirts in general. He's just rolling his eyes at the idea of clothing. Or is it because he's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not into the fact that he's a meme, I don't know. Yeah, here's a couple right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10 to 12, bitch, you're not even- There's, there's a lot of potential to do more of these. Yea, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm happy everybody enjoyed it for the most part and uh, thanks for watching it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I have Christina's dates, which are on, uh, ChristinaPOnline.com. August, uh, 2nd and 3rd, she's gonna be at, uh, what would she say, Soft Big Titties?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Salt Lake City, uh, Chart Lake Titties. Oh, my bad, okay. And then, uh, September, fall, it's gonna be Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Chicago, Illinois, and then later in the fall, Boston, Nashville, Seattle, and Portland. I don't know all her names for this city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have more dates coming very, very soon. Probably, actually by the time this comes out there might be some actually. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, listen. Alright, I gotta tell you, I got a call last night, and the guy said, yo, some girl's trashin' you on a podcast. I said, what? Trashin' me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, listen. Alright, I gotta tell you, I got a call last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm born in New York City, and my mother's born in the Bronx also, alright. My father was born in Cape Cod, alright, so I guess I'm second generation American. I don't speak Spanish or Italian, and I don't speak Portuguese, or whatever you get that shit from. But anyway,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I know that's your job, you're like a poor man's tosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's my thought of the day. The world is gonna judge you no matter what you do. So live your life, and don't give a fuck about what people say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that. Get rid of the negative people around you, because they will always bring you down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the old school life. Make America old school again. Take it easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Princess, this isn't easy for me. But you haven't been following the rules. I have to do this. So go get your notebook, and write lines. Write 20 times, and I will not do this again daddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey y'all, Remi needs your help. That's my babysitter. Man, bad way. I've tried Tom's, I've tried baking soda in hot water. What gets rid of heartburn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The audio won't play? Actually, no, no, no, you can play the audio. Yea. Yea, do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he didn't contact me, but I think, uh, I dunno, maybe I'm not that important for him to contact me, but I was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I didn't do any of the work of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this guy Toyon, I love him. I love Lone Ranger. I love, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Toyon Big Ton. I really like, uh, Dillinger, he's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Toyon. Toyon has a- Toyon has an album called Murder, and he was murdered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the classic. See, that's the same genre, like that rub-a-dub zone. That's the key stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not at all. No, I just got into it. I mean, I think I kinda resented, didn't resent, but I would talk shit about Marley cause I went to Florida State, right? And that's like, people are playing- That's in every dormitory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I graduated in 2005?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. You know what, I went there because they accepted me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, I learned about doing power hours. Have we done a power hour? No. For a while, that's all I could, the only way I could drink was by, you take a shot of beer every minute for an hour. Wait, every minute? So we get like a case of Michelob. You just get shots? Shot of beer, a shot glass. So you take a shot of beer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 60 shots. Or as many as you can handle, basically. If you can do warm up, do 15, you know, if you're gonna go to a party. But it came to the point where that's the only way I would get drunk, was power, was doing like shots of beer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sort of, I feel like, I remember hearing uhm, you know that keyboard player from the doors, Ray Manzarek, he was talking about his college experience and how he was saying like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All it was was fucking. Everyone was fucking, like, under the stairs, just fucking and stuff. And I got to college and it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, this, we're not all fucking everyone. We're not me. We're fucking me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No invites? Nobody? No invites. Wow. That's kinda cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I know, even her, uh, my wife's dad is a great guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wonderful person. He was like, oh, can we, can I please just, just, I can go. I won't get in your way. Like, no, cause if you go, that means that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a party to satisfy everyone six months afterwards. Cause her grandparents couldn't really travel, they're so old. So we had a party like where they live in Claremont in California. So, yeaah, the wedding was just us. It was really great. It was like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was one I saw where that woman was from, I think from South America, maybe Cuba, and she made that guy go swimming, who was scared to go swimming in the water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's probably some thing with sex trafficking. It's like a broken windows policy kind of thing. What? You know what I mean? It's like if we allow this, then we might as well allow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this vintage clothing store in my neighborhood, and when you walk by with the door open, it's like, woo. Stinky, stinky. It's like a special kind of stink. It's not like a, it's a very unique bandwidth of basement. It is like dusty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, okay, see I think it's a thing. I think that's maybe kind of like a cultural thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a woman. Japanese woman. Would get in the bath with mom? She'd have a bath with her mom, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was, she's the first time I was like, oh, well, that's uh, that's kinda strange, but I think it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think maybe a home bath. But I think it probably comes from that idea of a communal bath. The tradition of onsen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so Jamaica, yeah. Do you know how much they want to charge me for Reggae.com?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They wanted to charge me $300,000. Who? The people who own it. I keep emailing back with them, being like, how about, uh, $3,000? I was like, no, we can't sell it for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they've been emailing me back for about two years now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they keep saying, are you still interested? Mr. Kevin, are you still interested in purchasing Reggae.com? I'm like, yes, I would like to buy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well the price is, uh, we can lower it now to, I think initially it was $500,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. So all this time they could have been making, you know, six thousand, what did it have, was it the Pungent Breaky Duck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nothing, see? It's nothing at all. What a waste. They're cutting my Tordates up there. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess so. No, he can write a reggae hour. A reggae hour? Yes, people who like the music will come to see it. The reggae hour. Well, I think once I do the, the Patois accent, I think after about five minutes. Let's do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can only do it, I have like, I can't really do it, I haven't been listening to a lot of rege, but I do have like this joke where I talk about, it's like the Game of Thrones rege, Rasta's, or like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like ska music? I like ska music. I love ska music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rockers is the quintessential Jamaican reggae film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That place is rough. Yeaah, dude. I mean, I don't know, but I know a guy who used to be, uhm, a producer. His name's Danny Holloway. He's like this DJ guy now, but he used to produce for the Heptones. I think he produced a Bob Marley track.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was like, you know this record label Island Records, it's a UK label and they had a bunch of reggae releases, uhm, in the 70s and he was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lewis, what's his name, Lewis Blackwell. The guy runs Island Records. He was his like man in Jamaica. And he's like 6'4 white dude, but somehow he could hang cause he said he-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've talked to him about it, he was like, I can hang there because I'm such a big dude and I would-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was asking him, like, if I wanna go to Jamaica and be a reggae fan, would I be okay? He's like, nah, probably not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you shouldn't do that. Yeah, it's like, it's not a place to go unless you have like a guy, like someone with you who can either from there- Or maybe a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Asking for weed is instantly, it's like, oh, you're cool. I thought you might have been a cop, but you asked for weed, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ, this guy's, this guy's scary. Yeah. This looks like a, ooh. The eyebrows are killing the game. Anytime I see a man with eyebrows that attended, I feel bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there was this girl that I knew in high school. Not high school, but in college who ran the hip-hop radio station.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were in the, I worked in the radio station in college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were in the break room, it had a fridge. It was like, uh, Saturday night. And this girl comes in, she looks in the fridge, and she goes, ooooh, dos yo sippy sips?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna have a beer? Say, oh yeah, true player. This is a white girl. A white girl? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get a- I seen a runaway car up in here. I seen a runaway car deadass. That shit is no joke for real fam. Like, bass and that, I know for real that it's fucking deadass crazy when that runaway car goes down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I've seen people, well clearly where she is right now, that is the type of wood paneling that is in a temporary, like a shed, like a trailer type of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So TikTok, the idea is you do this stuff for other people to, cause you want them to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, sandstorms. Sandstorms, I heard that. Oh, it was hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There could be a Pemberton out there. But reggae Pemberton? Reggae Pemberton? I mean, there's enough Pembertons. You could practice your patois. I could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna get into that. I'll do the Reggae Pemberton. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know like, you grew up in Southern California, love the cure to Peshmo, but you go to Disneyland all the goddamn time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like this sort of southern California. You don't have to wear black. I mean she went through her serious black phase. Not a serious black character, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. Sorry. I'll just let that stand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eyelashes before, but not the look. The clumpy slutty look? Well, that's like a tra- you know about Travelers, right? Yeah, Gypsies. I love that, that to me is- that's like the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't dare you. Well, they probably would be first in line for like, Okay, we need 700 people to die today for this special bomb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did? Well, I did a, uh, a character, you're supposed to do the, the, uh, so bad. I do a reanimated JonBenet Ramsey character. No. I love it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uh, I have a post on Instagram, I had to take off the tag because I got so many people commenting on it, being like, take this down, this is terrible, this is so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to do this scene and they got cut from that movie action point, but I just stand there for like ten minutes and just think about like, ooh, check out the funky dunkers on her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that wasn't her making the sound? No, that's her. I think there's a delay. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a what? A carnival of horrors. Yeaah. Yeaah. It's pretty scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's this. This is the, the key thing to me is always this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's scary. The stretch neck with the side look? Yeah. That means you're nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, that ass sprayin' by the pool. I ain't gonna spray in that time of the year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say traditionally, in like sort of like a Greek tragedy sense, I think blowing your mom, having your mom give you a blowjob is not as bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just because it's like, fits into the whole Oedipal model kind of thing, so there's kind of a little bit of a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you call it? Not a track, like a well-worn path. It's not a path, but there is somewhat of a path there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I, that's what I let off with. For the record, I did let off with, I, this is not any, it's not even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not something I want to think about, let alone answer because it requires me to think about. What if I switch something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your dad? As he fucked your mom? Oh wow. So fuck my dad in the ass as he's fucking my mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's it called? Palm Springs, Ring Around the Rosie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how like a snake, like constricts and stretches? So it's kind of like a thing where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard a guy yesterday ask at the cell phone store, overheard him ask the guy who worked there, is there a discount for Trump supporters? Oh boy. And the guy who was helping me, we both shared this look, and he was like, every day. Really? I was like, what the fuck? That doesn't even make any sense!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One ball, I don't have, I have both balls. You have both balls. Yea, I have both balls. They're not gonna check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you don't have, a colon. Can you still put things in there? In my ass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not uhm, you know, it's, it's a lot better. Could we put a golf ball in there? Golf ball is bad because a golf ball has that shape where it might get stuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You know how they get that shit out in the emergency room? No. They snake around a hose, they snake it around the object and they apply reverse pressure to pop it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they blow through a tube, opposite of a vacuum. So instead of sucking, they push it out basically. So they snake it around. I know this because my dad has told me how this is something that happens in the ER all the time. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't do a hook inside. They didn't do a fish hook inside the plastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a function, the bowel is pushing stuff out. It does have that. Sure. It's called a, I think it's called peristalsis, is the undulating action of the bowel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to fucking do this. Hi guys, I'm Batterina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But please don't ever fucking call me that when you talk with me. Please call me Rena if you have to. If you couldn't tell, I'm a 21 year old vampire. Just look at the fucking bad ears on my head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one thing to definitely know about me is do not ever fucking piss me off. That's the wrong thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up ladies and gentlemen? So here's a piece of advice. If you are unemployed or about to be unemployed, make sure that you buy multivitamins. Trust me on this one ladies and gentlemen, it's gonna help you in the long run. Cause the reason why is because if you are unemployed and you don't have any money coming into your bank account, trust me, you need multivitamins. You have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so uhm, so here's something, you got any idea about this? Apparently bike handles aren't supposed to go in your butthole, but we're gonna prove that. Who wants to see a bike handle? Kevin, you wanna hear? So far up there.


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[Assistant] And they look at me and I say, oh my god. And the only thing that they are seeing is my butt, not my face.


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[Assistant] I am, I am, I am done, done with humiliation.


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[Assistant] Oh, believe me, they don't know you then. I'm on a videotape one of yours when I see you.


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[Assistant] And the idea that I ran into one of these, this is a thousand, a thousand people who play. Each one of those happen to feel that that would be enough for me to bury under their alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is as far as you can go insulting your mother.


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[Assistant] If you wanna be horny for two or three hours like you've never been in your life, you have access to marijuana too. Good weed. Listen to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, about an hour later when you feel it just kickin' in, smoke your weed down. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead and get horny, and I promise you it'll be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Millions and times more hor- You'll be so blissfully horny that you will not want to cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so Blumpkin, you want to actually select dick while the shit is coming out?


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[Assistant] I mean, I know, I, I try to be, like I always- And he's shaking his head. What? I don't fart in front of- I always go into a different room. You do? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, to, uh, audio drops Mondays and video Tuesdays.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, she had, uh, after she was watching season 1, she, uh, she had an opinion on, uh,


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[Assistant] Yeah, so the first four that we're gonna see are just Tom and then the last three are gonna be with Heath.


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[Assistant] I cannot remember the last time I felt this much joy over nothing, over a podcast, getting to hear Robert Paul.


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[Assistant] But going home from work and listening to him call in? Ugh.


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[Assistant] How you doin' Instagram? It's Big Time Tommy. Here's my thought of the day.


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[Assistant] Always offers you a second chance. Not really. It's called tomorrow.


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[Assistant] If you guys don't succeed today? No. Then tomorrow?


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[Assistant] Is always stronger than this setback. Don't ever let nobody get you down. You get knocked down, you get back up. Don't ever let anybody tell you that you can't do something. Positive thoughts bring positive things. Just when you think that you've fallen, you get back up and you fight stronger.


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[Assistant] Get the fuck out of the car and help him! There he is, he's helping. But he, he's helping!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on the road this week, dog. I'm out there doing it.


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[Assistant] I think you might be able to get into the late show.


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[Assistant] Saturday, in New Haven, Connecticut, the Late Show, 3.30, you might have a few tickets left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After that, I'm hitting the road in a couple weeks going to Madison. Late Show has tickets on April 11th. Milwaukee. Late Show has a few tickets April 12th. Uh, Nashville maybe has a few tickets left on April 14th.


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[Assistant] From then I roll on out, uhm, I'm in Boston in late April. The only show with tickets is April 28th. April 28th at the, uh, Chevalier Theatre in Medford.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May 1st, I'm in Portland, Oregon. You can get tickets there. The May 2nd show is sold out. Uh, then I roll into Seattle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, those are all at tomsguru.com slash tour. I gotta tell you, if you're listening to this show, watching April 9th, the email will go out to everybody on my email list for tickets for the second half of the Take It Down tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get that email if you sign up on my site. There's a prompt that comes up. If you sign up for it, you get the email, you get access to tickets before anybody else. There's gonna be 25 plus US cities. Uh, there's gonna be a whole Canadian tour. And there's even gonna be an international leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, sign up, get that email, and uh, that'll come out April 9th. The general on sale will be April, I think, 10th or 11th. So, good to know. Uhm, what's up, Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Homie, it's fucking the enemigas are right over there homie. We're in fucking Syria, Holmes. Holmes, check this out dog. This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you in part by Manscaped, the number one, number one in men's below the belt grooming


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Manscaped offers precision engineered tools with the right tool for the job. So I got two of these. I got two of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took it for a spin and I got a second one. This is the Lawn Mower 2.0. This is like the trimmer that you always wanted. You don't know, but for guys, you know, we're always trying to like keep it kind of tidy and neat down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can snag your nuts and really do some damage.


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[Assistant] Oh man, I would have a date with some floozy. I'd be like, I'm gonna clean up everything below. And then you cut and you're like, oh man, now there's a little nick there. There's blood running down my leg. It's terrible. These guys...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saw that that's actually a real pro- why are you gonna ignore guys balls? These guys are actually doing something about it, okay? The perfect package 2.0 kit, this comes with the Lawn Mower 2.0, the SkinSafe technology, the trimmer that won't nick or snag your nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also 100% waterproof, shock resistant. These are precision tools and, uh, for your, they're precision tools for your family jewels. I love the way that actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna make this a day- You know the thing I love though? These guys don't just make this, they got ball wipes.


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[Assistant] Summertime nuts. Yeah, summertime nuts. Anyways, they got all kinds, they got, they got, they got like their own shower gels and ball sprays and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Free shipping and a free travel bag with the code mom at manscaped.com. That's 20% off. Free shipping and a free travel bag with the code mom at manscaped.com. Guys, start taking care of those nuts. Keep them healthy, fresh, clean. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do that little, little extra cleanliness, tidiness.


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[Assistant] There you go, manscaped. Uh, guys, I will let you guys fight over who gets this whole other kit.


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[Assistant] This is oh, this is good stuff right here. Let's do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is uhm, uh, Potter used to have a crush on her.


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[Assistant] I remember that Jessica Biel was on it. Uh oh, Diaz is calling. I should probably answer, right? Just in case. Hello? Yea, he was like, so Joey Diaz is coming over for people, uh, listening to do the podcast, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll be in a couple weeks, but he calls me, I sent him directions with a map on it, like the PDF, which shows like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's where you turn. It's really like explicit. It's to give anybody who's trying to find the place.


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[Assistant] Holy shit. Anyways, uh, we lost track here. So this is Beverly Mitchell, uhm, I would say I remember Jessica Biel, cause that's what she got famous on. Yeaah. And everybody was enamored with Jessica Biel, obviously. Of course, so pretty.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but then this cameo thing is kind of, it's an app, if you guys don't know, it's an app, right, and all kinds of people have signed, like, are doing it, where you, you can pay them to send a message, and they have different tiers, so like there's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instagram people, and then there's TV, and then like Brett Favre, you know, Hall of Fame Super Bowl winning quarterback is on cameo. I think you have to pay him 500 bucks for it.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, you know, I'm not, yeah, I'm not hating on the, whatever. Yeah, I don't want to do it, but I think it's fine that people do it. But I really like that people are hitting up people and having them do your mom's house stuff. That's hilarious.


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[Assistant] I worked, you remember when I worked as a site rep, we were married. So it was...


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[Assistant] It was less than 10 years ago. I worked as an adult man. I don't know if I ever told you, but there was a guy, so as a site rep, you would go to a building that they're shooting a movie or production in and you just represent basically the building so that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one of the other site reps, this guy was like 26, 27, was legit obsessed, obsessed with Jessica Biel. And he was like, yeah, I have pictures of her all over my room. And he's like, I know I'm going to marry her one day.


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[Assistant] And at first, like, if someone said you're like, ha ha, yeaah. And then he was like, no, for real.


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[Assistant] I was like, you're gonna marry Jessica Biel? And he's like, yeah. He's like, he's like, we're meant to be together. And I was like, fuck, this dude's seriously delusional. And I would bring it up. Like I wouldn't see him for a week. I'd see him at the office. I was like, hey, Jessica plans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he was kind of a vato though. He had like some vato blood. He was from Ventura.


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[Assistant] And he liked to serve, he's like, we're like a perfect match, you know, like. It's a delusion, man. The level of delusion, it wasn't like, it's one thing if you see like a teenager like that. This dude was a grown man.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I had that crush on Alyssa Milano. And then what was the blonde, the beautiful blonde on the other?


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[Assistant] Uh, the craziest thing to me still is that he smokes in his house. Like he's rolling up cigarettes. Guy spends 30 million a month and I'm like, yeah, it's kinda crazy. And then he's like, smoking cigarettes and I'm like, this guy's fucking nuts.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. His was Giggle Gash, right?


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[Assistant] Uhm, to be fair to Tash though, I actually know him.


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[Assistant] Aside from that level of disrespect, the segment was very funny.


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[Assistant] And they did, they gave a shout out to, yeaah, they did cite my name, but they played a clip from our show with the two of us talking about Hard Rock Nick. And Hard Rock Nick in his defense was game and was very fun on that segment.


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[Assistant] I think he's having a good time. And he's on Cameo, by the way.


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[Assistant] The fucking, uh, I get emails all the time, we'll be at your show on Friday? And, uh, my friend, Cynthia, it's her, will you give her a shout out? Also, she, uh, she's got big earlobes if you want something to make fun of her about. Like, yeaah.


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[Assistant] The only thing that makes me more insane than like, we'll be at your show, sometimes it's like, there's a group of us coming, uh, Ted, this guy's crazy, if you wanna fuck with him, you know, he's all, he's got a truck, he never, it's all dirty and shit, if you wanna make fun of him for that, you're like,


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[Assistant] Then you get, why'd you block your truck? And everyone's like, that's hilarious. So, so fucking stupid.


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[Assistant] No, that's it. That's the one that I hate the most. And by the way, just so you know how unoriginal you are, it is every week. Every week I get multiple emails. We're going to be at the show Saturday and I wanted to do something really special, like what? I want to propose to my girl.


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[Assistant] At your show, hoping that maybe you could bring me up on stage. Oh my god. What?


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[Assistant] Do you realize how little everyone at that show cares about you getting engaged?


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[Assistant] No, I just, I had to stop myself from writing back how much I hate them when they email me that. But,


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[Assistant] Let's stop the entertainment. Let's make this show that has 1800, 2500 people at it. Let's make everybody stop and watch you go, Alyssa, you know, you mean the world to me.


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[Assistant] And then he has the story of, remember we were at that show, everyone hated us for stopping the show so I could propose to you?


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[Assistant] Alright, man. Yea, no, I had, uhm, I had proposals, here's what I had. So the first time I ever had it happen, I was working at a club and they were like, they basically informed me, they were like, someone's gonna propose. No. And I was like, okay. It was as bad as you can imagine. Yea, the guy's all nervous. Yea, and like people, and then,


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[Assistant] People are eating nachos. When I realized how much everybody hated it, the next time it happened they had to ask me, they're like, do you mind if somebody proposes during the show? And I go, I absolutely do mind.


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[Assistant] And they were like, hmm, what can we do? And I was like, you can wait till I'm done with my show.


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[Assistant] And I go, you can do it after the show. And that was the compromise. I was like, once I'm off stage...


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[Assistant] And back in the green room, I don't care, you can have the guy take a shit on stage.


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[Assistant] No, the offer is nice. The offer is nice to say, would you like to be the officiant of my wedding? The offer is insulting and selfish to say, do you mind if I propose during your show? It's just so you know, you're fucking rude, okay? You're selfish.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but that's different. That is different. That's saying, would you like to come to this thing? It's an invitation. Like this podcast. It's invitation only.


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[Assistant] So ever since I've been going like real short with a haircut and everything, I have to do this horrible maintenance of getting it clipped all the time. Cause it starts to look shitty when it has any growth on it. So we're getting haircuts like every two weeks.


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[Assistant] Well, I just meant that like, so here, obviously in the front, it's thinned out.


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[Assistant] So when you have thin hair in the front of your head and you're doing the buzz cut, you gotta keep it short. Otherwise, when it gets any growth, it just highlights how thinned out it is, you know what I mean? So it started to get there and I was like, I just need to go get it cleaned up. I keep calling these two places to do it because they're near us. One of them is always,


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[Assistant] And there was a lady who did a pretty good job. Of course, she's not there. So I go in yesterday and I tell the dude what I want. And I mean, it's not totally fucked up, but.


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[Assistant] The funny thing is, I gave him like a, I give them all, a nice, I'm nice, but I give them like, really explicit instructions. And he was like, yea I get it man. And then he did it and I was like, that's not what I wanted.


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[Assistant] Now it's time, enough with the business, we're gonna get into it. We had the great pleasure, the joy, the benefit, the wonderful time to have Sean Evans here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just like Hot Ones, you know. Sean is the host of Hot Ones, the wildly popular


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Online show, uh, YouTube show, uh, that first we feasted. You were on it. I was on it. Yeah, I was on it last season.


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, it's a, it's a, it's a big show and Sean is like, just the sweetest guy, I think the best host and interviewer in the game. He's absolutely my favorite person that's ever interviewed me and I love watching him host that show. If you've never watched Hot Ones,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we just watched that one. Uhm, he has, usually has, you know, a mix of like, athletes, actors, rappers, and comics. He's always plugging a comic into every, every season. Uhm, and it's great. And so, I'm, I'm thrilled that he came here. We had the best time with him. We played our own game with him. So, uh, we played Wet Ones with him. So.


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[Assistant] I hope you enjoy it. Here is Sean Evans, everybody.


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[Assistant] Hey, what's going on everyone? For YMH, I'm Tom Segura, and you're watching Wet Ones. The show with bland water and even blander questions. Our guest today...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is Sean Evans. Sean, you are the CEO, Chairman, Host, President, and Director of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's it called? Hot Ones. Hot Ones. Yeaah. That's another show. Anyways, this show is much better. So first up, we're gonna give you uhm, Dasani. Dasani. Yeaah. This is a shit water.


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[Assistant] You know what that tastes like? What does it taste like? Cold water.


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[Assistant] Like I appreciate it the most. Are you at the point now where then you start to appreciate somebody who will wear colors? You know what I mean? Yea, cause it's bold. Yea. Yea. Sometimes I'll see somebody in like an orange or like a real blue that pops and I'm like, yo, I wish I could be you. Yea, it's aspirational.


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[Assistant] This is Italian. This is natural spring water. You know the difference between that bullshit Dasani and this? Minerals. Oh yea, you can taste the minerals for real. Yea.


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[Assistant] Sean, did you ever think in a million years that you would be doing what you're doing now?


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[Assistant] It's an amazing show, and the best part about it 100% is you, because you are a gifted broadcaster and interviewer. I don't know how you do it, I really don't. I think part of it is that you actually, it seems like you take genuine interest in your subjects, which is like, what you realize if when you watch


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a talk show or radio interview.


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[Assistant] Especially, like, we're always the subject of interviews, you know, where you go in and like, a lot of times with radio, they'll be like, uh, they're just reading like, like a bio line. They'll be like, you went to the University of San Francisco?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, this is the second line of my bio. And it says here you did Netflix special. What was that like? But yours, yours are way, way more researched in depth. It feels like you actually take an interest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took my uhm, I'll tell you this, you can pass this advice on to future Hot Ones who are, uhm, hesitant to go forward with the game, so to speak. When I worked at Chibo on Sunset many years ago, which I think is still around,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The all Mexican and Guatemalan staff, they would make crazy hot dishes all the time for us. Everything was like super spicy. And a lot of us, you know, would be like, man, that looks spicy, that's gonna kill me on the way out. And they were like, no, that's what you gotta do, man. You get bread, you butter up that bread, heavy butter.


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[Assistant] Lines the track, like if you know you're gonna eat spices. And that would completely...


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[Assistant] A lot of times when you go out for something spicy, you weren't, let's say, planning on it, so you're ruined. But whenever we did that, when we ate the buttered, like thick buttered bread, it like, I don't know. Did you do that before hot ones though? No, of course not. I'm not smart. I'm saying I remember that.


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[Assistant] First of all, I remember, okay, going to do Hot Ones, as it got closer, and like it was really, first we did, first of all we did the, uhm, the burger thing, which we'll get into later, but when we did the Hot Ones, I definitely had some,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, apprehension, and I was like, I was like, aw man, like, how bad is this? So then you start, you know, you're watching them, then you get distracted by how good the show is, and you forget that they're, that it's going in, but then like day of or day before, I remember I called Burt, uh, cause he had done it. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, I was like, I mean, what's gonna happen here? He's like, it's hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was like, it won't be that bad, just have fun, and if it hurts, just let it hurt. That's what he told me. That's good advice. Yeah, he was like, just, he's like, you'll recover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like alright, and then I still remember being there like, I don't know, it kind of feels like you know there's a parachute in a way, but you're still like a little worked up about it, you know? And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing was that, for me, for my personal experience, I was like four or five wings in like, this isn't bad at all. But then there was that, the bomb.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And that was worse than what I had imagined it could be. Right. Yeah. That wrecked me. Yeah, there's no preparing for that. But then it's funny because when I watched, when I watched it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm just watching it as, let's say, trying to take myself out of it as content. I go, this is like, one of the funniest parts. Watching someone struggle, sweat. I actually remember that I couldn't remember what you had asked me a couple times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah. So I was like, aw man, I don't know where to go with this right now. Alright man, stop ruining my show. Oh sorry, sorry. So the next water... No, go to Fiji. Just jump ahead to Fiji.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bullshit. Yeah, Martin Riese is, uh, America's water-salinier of German descent, of course. Uhm, but Martin taught us a lot, and one of the things he taught us, you know how when you drink Fiji, there's like a silkiness to it? You ever feel like a smoothness? That's the mineral, I think it's called silica? Yeah, silica. You can feel it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's smooth. That's minerals man, that's silica. And that is delicious and that leads us to our next question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey UPS, I'm always like are we fucking really doing this right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, I don't know if I've ever even been into a UPS. What's funny is I feel like FedEx has the US on lock, but then you go international, maybe with UPS or what's the DHL? They do that like. DHL. It's like if someone ships on the Zimbabwe, you better do it through DHL, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] FedEx has really got it down here. Yeah. Yeah, I don't fuck with UPS. No. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the running for the dogshittiest of the dogshit waters. And we learned a lot about this from Martin as well. It's like triple distilled, which means it's stripped of like all minerals. So again, it's like, you know, I don't know, you might as well drink pool water. Right. Do you like straws?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, you know, straw-wise, I feel like there's some type of, like, so, you know how like, basically a few months ago, there was like the real big pushback on the straws, and they started to be like, we're gonna take straws away. Starbucks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went into one of these, I go every day to one, and one of them was like, oh yea, there's probably not going to be straws soon, so now they're doing, uh, for ice drinks, for cold drinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a new water champ bottle. It's in the store now. Go to merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura and look up the new water champ bottle where you can pretend to be the water champ in your house. Just like she pretends to be the water champ in our house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel like, here you are, this good looking guy, you're making money, you're getting famous, more famous every day, yet you're in this relationship. How dumb is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, so then she was like, anyways, the next Laker game you can set up, that'd be great. And I'm like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll keep it in mind that that's your new favorite activity. Next morning she's like, guess what I had a dream about? I was like, what? She goes, I dreamt that I was with you, but instead of you having what you have, you had a big black cock. Whoa. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been listening to that album on a loop for a year and a half. I know. And then when I met Thundercat, I had no idea who he was. I was like, hey man. And then I just, uh, walked out of it. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was par for the course, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was fun. I like the, I like the, by the way, that you keep the comics in the game. Thank you. You had, like, you had the, you have the big movie stars, and then you have athletes, rappers, but I love, as comics, I love that you keep comics in the loop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bam. What else we got here? We got the Los Calientes. Los Calientes. You have to say it like that, dude. Los Calientes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Por fin, oh, last dab. That you know. That you know. This one makes you go kaka in your pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's such a great concept and it is like this, it's relatable in a weird way, right? Yeah, exactly. You're like, I know what it's like to eat something spicy. Yeah, exactly. And then to see the different levels of suffering is like amusing and entertaining too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People really, some of them, you know, if you, if your life is spent eating certain foods, it's like you can't.


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[Assistant] I throw a hot sauce sometimes when I don't want hot sauce, because it's offered. Right. I order a lot, I eat a lot of eggs, and on the road, like omelet, and they're like, do you want hot sauce? And in my mind, I'm like that, but then I'm like, yep. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love to, I hit you up about this stuff, I love studying the business of, of, you know, what we do, like entertain, I love the numbers, I love all that, and I, you know, as soon as you have that Gordon Ramsay, uh, episode,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was funny to see him, I mean it was like donut bite every like the sweet, you know, it came from a educated place too as a highly trained chef. And a showman level. And a showman level. But the other thing that's like fascinating is like obviously I know


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's super famous, you know, like you know, he's a well known person, but to see that response to that degree is like, I got excited just seeing that response.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So crazy. That is crazy, man. That is, that's nuts. Um, oh, do you wish you were taller?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How tall are you? Are you 6 foot? Yea, like right at it, you know? Yea. But I feel like 6'2 would be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually like the way it looks, so I'm fine with that. I mean, if somebody told me like, hey, would you rather be like, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect physique? Or taller? That's one where I'd be like, oh.


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[Assistant] Do you wish I had like another couple inches?


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[Assistant] I think I get, I think I do. And then what'll happen is like, you know, you have like a couple good or decent naked days. You go to the shower, especially if it's like, I've worked out like three days in a row and I just came from lifting, so muscles are a little swollen, like there's like blood in them and you're like, you know, this is pretty good. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe like a, you have a day off, and then the next day you're like, how did my body go to shit in a day? Like if you feel like, I mean it must be obviously all in your head, but like I'll feel like, oh no, it's back to shit again.


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[Assistant] Fuck it, you know? Nah, I feel like I'm pretty far from it being even decent, you know? Nah. You look good. You look good. Yeah, that's nice. You're a nice guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, all my parts by the way, in the last, I just booked a part, I did three last year, the parts were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obnoxious brother-in-law, uh, corrupt city councilman. Yes. Corrupt police officer. And coming up, uh, corrupt, uh, or like asshole tech guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I gotta ask you, cause it seemed like, I actually think you have the best gig going in entertainment, you know? It's like, it's such an awesome job and the show keeps getting better and the, you know, it feels like it's the perfect gig, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's the part I get, but I feel like I relate the most to like the part where I go, you know, there's gotta be, uh, either it's floated to you or it's in your own mind, like, well then, you know, the TV show, the talk show, right? It's a natural, you'll be a total, obviously natural host at it. Thank you, Tom. But then you go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and it, you know, maybe there's a time and a place for that, but I feel like every time, like for us, we'll, you know, be like, oh, you know, you need to be doing TV and more, you know, stuff that like traditional shows. Closer you are around it, you're like, oh, there's so much shit you have to deal with. Then we come here and we're like, oh, we get to do whatever we want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that they love that, they love that like I brought up Trick Daddy, cause then they're like, you not only were guests, but you clearly had been watching the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome, man. Now, you're originally from Chicago. Yes. We love, we're big fans of accents. Chicago. Have you noticed my drawl? You, I don't, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And me. Uhm, well the accent is like the, when someone has a hardcore accent, like all types of accents, we're just fascinated by it. Yeah, yeah. Uhm, but one thing that's really interesting is if somebody, I don't know if you've ever heard, let's say somebody with a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hardcore Chicago accent who's actually really well educated. It's a pretty amazing juxtaposition. Uhm, so check out this guy speaking and just, you know, just give us your thoughts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, look at this fucking shit show. They're like, can I come on? And you're like, no.


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[Assistant] Elusive, yea. I mean... That's a deal, man.


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[Assistant] No, we've, we've, believe me, we've tried to find this guy. Not a chance. King Atripper, we actually-


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[Assistant] Yeaah, that's true. Yeaah, he's really fucked this. But, uhm, yeaah, basically, we're not allowed to play. For people who are wondering, because we had to cut him out of a couple things, it's because, uh, people are, the video people were like, you can't have that guy putting stuff in his ass on your show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To break the fart barrier, I went, instead of being like, here's a little fart, I just decided to go for it. And Paul, I didn't think about it, but I took her hand, I put it between my legs, and I farted on her hand for the first fart. And she goes, smells like garbage, smells like garbage, and then I was like, well at least we're in there now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More in and out in your body. Hey, have you seen Gene this clip? This is from one of the documentaries that I've been watching. Do full volume here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You realize where technology is going next? Like you saw that guy did the one, did you see the one where like uh, he had like Rogan, Diaz, or the bikini walk. The bikini walk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was, it looked spot, I mean, that didn't even look like anything, but you know, like, like it, it really happened. I couldn't see the seams, you know, it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but she had like your expression, your shoulders, and you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where they all get together. The, uh, all those great meme makers and like, they do all that stuff. They network? So they created like this comedy content collective where like there's like, oh, Desus and Jenna and, you know, all the meme makers, they all put their stuff together on there. That's smart. Yeah. So it's great.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's awesome. Those are the best, the working class person that like listens to this show is my favorite to run into, you know, like the dude who's driving the FedEx truck or sometimes they even like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make it happen for you. Absolutely. Yeah, that was absolutely then. Um, Sean, thank you so much for coming. Thanks for having me. You're the best. We hope you continue to success with the show and hope to see you again soon, man. All right. Thanks guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that what that is? Is that a TikTok? That's a, that's a thing that you sent me a while ago. Hold on, let me bring it up. Cause I mean he does do really good cover.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so about like a year and a half ago, uh, I was introduced to the bathrobe lifestyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, Tom, you did such a good impression of Travolta a couple seconds ago. Uh, that deep fake account did something nice for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, this guy is starting like some sort of cult or something, like some sort of Buddhist Rom Dog, Rom Don type guy, but uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, for the show. Yeah, uh, would you taste your own juice? I'd probably, I think I accidentally have. You know, you were talking about your velocity and like, how hard you've launched. I've definitely like, accidentally bukkake-ed myself in the past.


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[Assistant] I've done it with my own glasses. Yeah, it's called Spex Appeal. It's fun.


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[Assistant] Pray every day to the Lord above that someday I can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feel what it's like to just blast off inside of a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, hey, maybe you should get different glasses, you could get a smoke show in that way. These are not for show, people. These are, I have to wear them. I don't want to. These aren't like my, that's not gonna help, you know? I thought maybe if I got better ones.


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[Assistant] Eight years ago. What? Mandated physical for a job.


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[Assistant] Dude. Can we get another physical going? Yeaah. I'm scared to find out what's going on. Yeaah, but it's probably a good idea though.


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[Assistant] Don't you feel like if I find out what's wrong, then I, then I'll die. You know what I mean? Like, whereas- It could be great for the show though. Okay, that's true. Yeah, we could, I'll put my, fuck all that hippo shit, I'll put it all out there.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And then in that case we can do meth on the show. That's right.


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[Assistant] But the diameter with the, you know, circumference should be of what goes up the shitter.


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[Assistant] What a healthy thing to go up. But I would think that most people could handle


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like, you gotta go in and repair the whole setup down there.


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[Assistant] It's a major surgery. So you should, I mean, you shouldn't be doing double anals. You should not be doing double anals. You should not be prolapsing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here is a big update for me. This is crazy. Okay. Uh, May 5th. May 5th. I am adding my fifth show at the Moore Theater in Seattle, Washington. That's on sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, June 28th, I'm adding my second show at the Orpheum Theater in Wichita, Kansas. That goes on sale at 10am local time this Wednesday. And we also added a second show in Hampton Beach, New Hampshire. That is August 10th?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So those are the, uh, yeaah, those are the new, the add-ons, and then I can tell you an update as far as the, uh, ticket situations for some of these shows. Uh, this week, there's some single tickets left, that's it in, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Late Pittsburgh and like less than a hundred. You'd be sitting alone but in Cincinnati as well. Uhm, you can still get tickets March 9th to the Hard Rock in Hollywood, Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get tickets, uh, March 26th, March, excuse me, March 26th. March 26th. This is stupid. I know. You fucked that up really good. Uh, that's, uhm, in Portland, Maine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Late show has been added in New Haven, Connecticut. That's March 30th. And then the late shows in Madison and Milwaukee. That's April 11 and 12. They have tickets. The early shows are sold out. You could also try to get tickets to the late show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Nashville, Tennessee, April 14th and there is a late show, April 28th in Medford at the Chevalier Theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are all my updates, TomSigura.com. Go to the tour page. Uh, jeans are at, your tickets are at


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[Assistant] That's how I did it today. That one blew up, man. That was a good shirt. Limited edition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you said. It's a big daddy cane. You're like, this is Tom's prom, leading you.


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[Assistant] Dorks. Alright, weirdos. Uh, Jane, there's a lot to get into. We have amazing guests today. It's gonna be a lot of fun. Why don't we go ahead and kick the party off?


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[Assistant] The bang bus allows anyone who's down to bang on it. Oh wow. Yeah. Cool. Yeah, I don't have any, there's no rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got a mouth that I can put stuff in? I cannot believe that somebody has standards for a mouth. I mean, I understand- Are you serious? I understand a vagina, okay? Like, I'm, you know, it's like, yea, you're not just gonna F whoever. But if someone's like, put your stuff in my mouth, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying like, any woman who was like, do you want to put your stuff in my mouth? I'd be like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sores, I mean now you're talking about something that you visually can see as a problem. Yeaah. But like if somebody who's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, undesired, unattractive. I'd be like, yeah, you can still put it in her mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna get a little sake done? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] El Chapo, they just, so he's having a trial right now in Brooklyn. No. For, uh, just a lot of crimes, let's say. Yeah, conspiracies and murder and trafficking. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And somebody testified that they would procure underage prostitutes for him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and he was getting like young teens, and that he said that they were, that when he had sex with them that they were vitamins for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, able to, being able to, uh, categorize it and describe it as vitamins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that description really sticks with you.


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[Assistant] He's pretty scary actually. He's probably the scariest guy. And they don't tell you what he was locked up for. Well they say it's a parole violation. You don't know what the original crime was. But that dude is the scariest by far of everybody.


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[Assistant] I know, but the show is unbelievable. Here's some advice by the way. This is what I got from watching that show. Uh, don't reach out to convicts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens is everybody is, like, they're all the same, the ones who reach out, like they want love. You can tell that, they're like, they want love. Right? That's what they want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ones who are reaching out to the prisoners. Sure. They go on these sites and then they find somebody who's like confined to a space and you go like, well this person can't hurt me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like, they build the relationship under those, you know, parameters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sometimes they're doing that for a couple years, two, three years that I've been communicating with you, but you've been in this, you know, essentially like a submarine. You know, you can't go anywhere in it. It's like, and then it comes up to the surface and you finally get out and they're like, well, I want the dynamic to stay the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, I forgot to tell you that. Yea, small detail. A lot of lying. They're just lying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He seemed really, really cool. Seemed like he just wanted to. He's just the saddest.


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[Assistant] I think uhm, I don't know, I think putting it out there though is a cool thing. I think God probably does get that prayer a lot. I really do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we actually, uhm, it's probably fair to assume that God has his own, uhm, anthem in his head that goes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that guy is not the most attractive for those listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some of those losers that, uhm, are reaching out to the, uh, to the prisoners. Like, they can get completely hosed, and they're still like, I love her so much. Jesus. It's so dark, yeaah. They have such poor self-esteem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And bad dating experience. Cause they're also always like, right, there's always the, well the last person broke up with me or dumped me or did this to me. So now, now I'm gonna play it safe date of a prisoner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course the great Big Daddy Kane was on which was awesome, really fun, uhm, a lot of people mentioned or sent messages that there was something wrong with the video quality on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that it was, uh, that the highest resolution was 360p, and they're like, what is up with that? And, you know, I started talking to Blue Band about it. You said that, uh, you didn't know, and then you reached out to YouTube. What'd they say to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so that was the main thing though. It wasn't like we decided to record it or upload it differently. It's something internal on their part. Right. Alright. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not necessarily. I mean, a chart doesn't have to be exclusively liquid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were at the, uh, International Terminal at Atlanta Airport at Hartsfield Jackson, ready to board a 16 hour flight to Johannesburg, and Christina's like, I'm gonna get some tacos, you want some? I was like, I'm good. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were on this, we were trying this juicing thing. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. And there was something called like something green, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was standing also in the kitchen in the boxers, and I farted it was just liquid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the next day, I did it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because I didn't know for sure. I thought maybe, oh, something's up with my stomach this morning. Yeaah. I did the, uh, the green powder again, farted, all water, and then I dumped the fucking powder down the sink. I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before that, I want to just bring up that this, uh, Thursday, Dr. Drew After Dark starts. The audio comes out Thursday and the video will come out Friday, correct?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, the debut episode features your very own Christina P. Uh, we also have, uh, we have four in the bag right now. We sure do, yeaah. And we're gonna keep recording them, so. Yeaah, we're gonna keep going. It's such a fun show. It's really fun. I did one, uh, you did one, Bobby Lee did one. Yep. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dr. Drew, I mean he's just such a great talent and host, but like, great at conversation, he breaks down clips, he really gets under the hood with you on different things. I really enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so don't forget that. That'll just come on YouTube. If you're, if you subscribe to this, you'll just get the video update. So that'll be great. And then his, his, uh, audio, if you want to just download, you need to find Dr. Drew after dark, but you can, you can subscribe to it right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And we give out the email and the phone number, you can like have questions read.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, here's the big, uh, update before we move on to some clips here. It is over between us and Morton's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Morton's fired us over the weekend and they said we just don't fit their brand objective right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they treated me like I was a celebrity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy, but yeah, so they fired us. I had to give a couple grand back to the, uh, the, you know, the people that initially gave it to us for the paint job here. Anyways, so we're not with them, but we still have steakhouse vibes. So, uh, just putting a call out to any steakhouse that wants to be affiliated with this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So look, if you work at a steakhouse or you run one or own one and, you know, you want to be affiliated with your mom's house, just send us an email, yourmomspodcast.gmail.com and make sure you put steakhouse in the subject line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We lost millions of dollars. Because of the kind of show we do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So something else happened, and look, we appreciate the time we were with Morton's too, so we just tell them that. Couple grants. And I'll still say they make a great, uh, steak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think we're banned, because all I saw, I mean, unless there's a follow-up coming, was just that the relationship with the show is over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we're still loud on the press. It's not like McDonald's where we're not even loud in Southern California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, something magical happened over the weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There comes a time in one's life where one can see something or someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gives a dose of like natural adrenaline. There's an excitement. You know what it's like? It's like when you were watched back in the day, American Idol, and then everybody, it shows all the people who can't hit notes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then someone comes in, like, I don't know, Kelly Clarkson or somebody and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you recognize star quality, or you see that someone's special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for whatever reason, he was discovered, I would say. Even though he's been around, he was discovered. Over the weekend, people found his posts, his videos. And I was like, is this real? And there's just so much going on with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't even know if I can set it up correctly other than like, why don't you just dip your toe in the water and see what's what here with this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, he's got, he's got his own unique style. I mean, like this beard is, is like, like no other beard I've ever seen. He's got, he's got the thin line. It's the Puerto Rican.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's just in the goatee but then he's got a beard separate from it and it has it's own designs and then he's got


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah man, he's got like, looks like a, this is one of his vehicles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But some, like, why do some women not want to date a guy who's got the money, the dick,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, some people can't handle being around success.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, this dude. I get it, truth, knowledge. This is kind of insight, you know, that's what I'm looking for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that, I think he's onto something with uhm, with the fact that there's definitely some haters out there. Yeaah. And that when they, when men or women see somebody who's really got it going on like this guy. Right. You know, that they'll be like, pssh, pssh, pssh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, in this case, this dude's got a lot to offer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's making an interesting point. I think you're right. I think he's also saying that, you know, in most, let's say, traditional relationships, uhm, you find that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a lot of cases, in the traditional relationship, the man goes, concedes that the woman is the star, so to speak. She's the looker. She's, you know, put the attention on her. He's saying,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. I mean, you know, I don't want there to be any confusion. This is not the Cool Guy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's definitely more stuff. Uhm, he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put out, uhm, let's see. Oh, he did an Instagram Live. So, so just so you know, he puts a lot of his stuff on Instagram, okay? Oh boy. And he has, uhm, he has, like, he's got a lot going on, according to Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a lot of money, I got a lot of houses, I got a lot of cars, I got a private chef. You have millions of dollars in the bank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is mo- updated, he got a new hat. Okay. He's got some jewelry which I- honestly, it made me regret canceling my jewelry order. Really? Remember I- I bought that, uhm, I ordered that chain. Right. And I think it was Pete Holmes made me feel very insecure about the order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's stones with real gems in there. Yeaah. Yeaah, I saw a separate post where he talked about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this guy, I mean money just falls out of his pocket. Sure. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, he just, dude, he goes like, private chefs, probably private planes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Homes, multiple homes, tons of cars, jewelry, bedazzled hats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's like, here's, just to like give you more insight. Okay, so why don't you read, read the caption? This is his caption for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, by the way, since we're putting it out there, we're discussing, we're looking, 40th birthday is coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, for him, I'm sure it's nothing. I'm assuming that's, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how, uh, when you do comedy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially when you start, you write a bio? Yeah, that's bullshit. But I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This caption summarizes his, why don't you go ahead and give it a read.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That will literally make you cum the second I tap my dick on the edges of your pussy lips before insertion. Hashtag every fucking time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll fuck you. That's a look that says I'm gonna fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That posted my own like that this weekend. It inspired me. Lips pursed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing, it's gotta be the haters I'm thinking. It's gotta be the haters. It's gotta be the haters. This guy is great. This guy has everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that was his net worth. Maybe you don't understand numbers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the value of what he's worth. This is cash value. Liquid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is some, some stuff from his Facebook, because this dude is just, he's just, he's just blowing everybody away. On Facebook he is Nicholas, N-I-C-H-O-L-A-S, rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Johansson, J-O-H-A-N-N-S-E-N, uh, this has a photo of a lovely lady who is leaning over the sink, like looking in the mirror, she does her makeup, and she has quite a rear end. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hard rock Nick-posted ladies, if you have an ass like this and are a pure white American-born female. In parentheses, not mixed with Mexican or Israeli shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have light eyes and a career and will let me put my face in it every time you bend over the sink to do your makeup. Get at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I know there's a lot of tears streaming down a lot of faces right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we kind of, I don't want to be the type of person that would assume they can give Hard Rock Nick any advice, but we did watch a lot of millionaire matchmakers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this is a photo of some things he picked up at the grocery store. He wants everything


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To smell great, he got, uh, he got mouthwash, he got Gain and Glade, and he said, I, truth is I put those Glade cones in my walk-in closet. The mouthwash is for my guest bathrooms. Hashtag thick bitches only. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it really is a gift that never hasn't stopped giving. No, he's really amazing. I really hope he picks up the posts because his followers are picking up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh. This is a bottle of balsamic vinegar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he probably wants to look at it, hold it, you know, know what he's getting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love fresh hard boiled eggs sprinkled with salt and pepper for a high protein snack before my chef makes dinner. Alright, that's really cool man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I actually want to watch one of these videos with one of our guests. So I'm going to save it for just a little bit later. Uhm, in a moment, we're going to have our friend come in here and talk to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About, uh, a couple of things, cause we need, we need to sit down with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, because of fat people like Bert. But anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back, we are back in studio with a dear friend, a great comedian, uh, somebody who greatly helps out this show, does a lot of producing for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, we got bonks for different hoes. Did you expect, I did not expect, I have not, I've lived in LA a long time now, Long Beach was the shit. That was so dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was just a lot of everything, and the crowd was fucking bonkers, man. Yea, and there's a reason Warren G's chillin' in the open sea. Right, Snoop Dogg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I've spent a lot of time with you over the years. Of course. Okay. Okay, let's go. Human cockroach. Yes. Doesn't really eat. Never. We have to force it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, I've taken you out to these nice restaurants, and you'll sometimes be like, and I'll be like, and he's gonna have an appetizer, and I'll make you order things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cockroach. Cockroach, okay. Cockroach eating. Okay, the food, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Psychotic person's body, I think the only guy I've ever met who is this far off. I mean, most guys are like, you know, I prefer, guys will be like, I like a little cooler, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were at a gig where they were, it was like downstairs cavernous old theater and the guy, the guy was wearing a parka that you would go like to hike Mount Everest and he was like, sorry they didn't turn the heat on and Josh was like, it feels great. I was like, it doesn't feel great. I had a t-shirt on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, tell her, I didn't even tell her this. Tell her the shower thing. The shower thing? You told me. Oh, I take cold showers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would definitely go down that route. But you're with these girls just so people know, you're, you're, you know, you like women, you're, you're getting with women, and then you just can't finish. Right. You need to finish, but maybe- Manually. We need, so you go, you go watch this, and then you put on a show for them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of listeners out there and viewers. Let's put the call out. Help Josh Cum. He needs your help. He needs a cum sponsor. It's like a telethon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's get a little, like just a, a really, if you're willing and able, reach out. This is a boy that just needs your help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do hope a really hot woman reaches out and she's like, I'll go out with him and then we can test this theory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, it's a comic. Fight through it. Oh, before we forget, let's talk about, uhm, just, what's your, what's your, uh, show coming up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. And listen, he's hilarious. There's a reason I've taken him, uh, on the road everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we discussed a thing, cause remember that Tracy Morgan was in this horrific bus accident, and uh, he lost his friend, and he was injured, and Walmart settled for just extraordinary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be the one that dies. Yeah, he of course has to die. But what I was thinking was like, is that it would be kind of like funny if we were in this bus accident and that he's just a little hurt. Like he's like, uh, my arm, I think I might have broken my arm. And then I'm like, well, I gotta get this money. So then I take a crowbar and I just start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back and this is a real treat. People did not know. We didn't tease us, didn't let people know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are joined by Detroit's own Danny Brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you guys for having me. Dude, this was like a, such a trip when I first, you and I, uh, DM'd a while ago. I think it was that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody tipped me off that I think you had mentioned, uh, our podcast maybe in an interview or something. When, it's like, you're a big podcast fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last flight I took it on was, was a flight to Australia. And that's a fucking long flight. So you have the anxiety and then you're like, you're like, I'm going to come down. This will be all right. And then they're like, uh, there's 11 more hours. You're like, oh shit. Like it just, it, it just fucks with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I wonder that all the time with these clips when you go, did somebody like at the bank today be like, hey Terry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, we didn't even, I didn't even tell you this. You got head from Throatzilla? I wish I got head from Throatzilla. Throatzilla came to my Dallas show and I just saw it on Twitter. She was like, I'm finally here. And she took a picture and posted it and I was like, hi Throatzilla. But she didn't, you know, I didn't get to see her. She was at the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always loved the, uh, the juxtaposition of her, her skills. And then she was like, I'm going to get gassed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Throatzilla is again somebody very comfortable with herself, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because guys used to go to the groves and they'd be like, we're going to coon hunting. They'd shine a light because it kind of frees her up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have to go do some work. Yeah, I'm going in June. I hope you're there with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I should be home. Uhm, yeah, last time I was there, so I was there like a year ago, there were like all these different, uh, pro- like, you know, building a new stadium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10, like within the last 10 years, people were always talking about like the economic downturn of Detroit, right? Things like falling apart and houses abandoned and all this stuff. You're like, Detroit's in rough shape. And then it would be, it's a big, uh, delta connection point. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's like a lady on the speakers going like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so yeaah, we were talking right before you came on that like, your videos are so dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man, you're definitely green lighting the vision and like, so are you a big, is part of it come from the fact like that you're a movie cinema fan or something or? Hell no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is like the video process like for, like when you have a song and you're like, alright, we need to make a video, do people start pitching you? Like how does it work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, for people that don't know, I know that, uh, I guess did that come from, like G-Unit was, we're signing you. Is that from Living with Tony?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No shit. Okay, so then what happens, cause I've heard this, and I purposely didn't want to, uh, look up details. What I heard was that, like, you're gonna sign with G-Unit and then 50 cents back to what you were saying was like, aw, but your look's not right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So. He's so hilarious on Instagram. His Instagram is ridiculous. And that's actually who he is too as a person. I gotta follow him. I'm not following him. Oh, it's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I remember, I remember when uhm, Ain't It Funny came out, and like, didn't Jonah Hildebrandt write that? It's such a, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great, it's a great video, but the song's really amazing. Thank you, thank you man. Yeah. Uhm, is that, do you go into songwriting? Like, is your style to like, think of, you know, do you just write down like a, and like, oh this is a title, or just like, whatever comes out of you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear that beat first? The Ain't It Funny beat is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always wanted to ask about like this, like you have such a distinct performing voice. Did you always perform with that? Like, you know what I mean? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a real party man right there. You're like, yea, after the other shit. Alright, so there's this guy I was trying to give you a heads up. This guy is, I mean, he's too cool for the cool guy club, so we have to put him in his own club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's his own club dude. Just to give you like a little like tester of what we're talking about here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this is Hard Rock Nick, and uhm, this motherfucker's like a magician.