[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so true. I went to high school with a girl who claimed she was a model too, but the face was like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but she, so her face was like a six, the body was like an eight or nine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, philosophy, right? They discuss what is, what is beauty and symmetry is beauty. Aesthetics, right? When you look at somebody's face, they say that symmetry is what creates beauty. And that's just a genetic


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying that Brigitte Bardot, these women were stunning. Even Sean Connery, who just passed away recently. That's natural, bruh. That's untouched. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's, you know, life is competitive. Life is about finding what you're good at. There's so much shit I can't do. I cannot play an instrument. I can't move well. I can't do math. I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Favorite thing. Really good. I love it. And uh, check out the Roach Motel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool. Tom, uhm, you had a really neat idea for the waiting room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's funny, I see this as not sexual, oddly enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I want, outside Rebs, but I want her to be soothing and Latin, because I feel Latins are much nicer. I want her to be like, Miss Christina, thank you for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeah, I would just want it as a relaxing, it's like, oh, and she does, no, here's how it goes. You're tense, you're in the doctor's office, you're waiting for blood work or whatever, and she starts with a scalp massage. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's, hold on, it's, hey sharks, you guys look tense. You know what you mean? You wanna relax?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, never make a deal on Shark Tank. Cause they, they're always like, we will, we want half your company and we'll give you $500. Like don't ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, I like when Mark Cuban goes, my daughter likes dogs, so I like it. Like he always, I like what he brings up his daughter and what she likes and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much is Barbara worth? No, no, no. I'm a fan of Babs. I like both the women and Lori.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm just not sure. I don't see women wanting to buy this product.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can sell this at the checkout line at Bed Bath and Beyond. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh, wouldn't that be the best to have these genital massagers in like the bank line?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See the problem is, Tom, is that I am so unattracted to people older than me, or younger than me. That it wouldn't even happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was our old landlord in the ghetto when we lived in the rampart division.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would always be like, why don't you give Hal a hand job? Why don't you blow Hal? I'm like, Hal is almost dead. And then one time it was raining and leaking into the apartment. Yes. And I called Hal because the smoke alarm was going off because the water had leaked. And they had high ceilings. They had high ceilings so I couldn't reach it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no. He goes, okay, uh, here's the ladder. And he goes, here's some pliers. I want you to cut the wire. But he's standing there watching you. He's standing there at the base of the ladder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he gives me the pliers. He goes, now go up the ladder and just cut the wire. It'll stop the sound. And I go, alright, cool man. And I go up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I cut the wire, and it zzz, like it sparks, and I almost fly off the ladder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, well, this isn't working again. And then a few days later, he goes, sorry about that, I had a few before I came over that day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well lesson learned guys, if your electric thing is wet, don't use pliers to cut the wires when it's wet. Or maybe dry, I don't know, I'm not an electrician.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jose! Her husband Jose. Yes. He had a big donkey dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, pretty early, I'd say in his late twenties. And I really wish we'd known about him. We would have gone there and he would have been able to save that thinning hair. And by the time you notice your hair is thinning, it's often too late.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the best way to prevent more hair loss is to do something about it while you still have some, right? Go to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forhims.com, a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, sexual wellness products for men. It really is amazing. There's, uh, no more awkward in-person doctors visits or long pharmacy lines. If you're having sexual problems, why not fix them and do it discreetly for, uh, on Forhims.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forehems connects you to a licensed medical professional online. It could save you hours. It's completely confidential and discreet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today Hymns is giving you their best offer yet. If you're not happy with the results after 90 days, Hymns will give you a full refund. And right now my listeners get their first visit absolutely free. Go to ForHymns.com slash mom. That's ForHymns.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prescription products require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Remember, that's 4HIMS.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Life can be stressful even under normal circumstances and 2020 as challenged even the most difficult times of life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need stress relief that goes beyond quick fixes and that is Headspace. Headspace is your daily dose of mindfulness in the form of guided meditations in an easy to use app. I don't talk about this very often, but I've gone to Headspace before. I love their guided meditations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It calms you down, you know, sometimes when you're just not even breathing, helps you get back into your breath and just be a person again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You deserve to feel happier and Headspace is meditation made simple. Go to Headspace.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's headspace.com slash mom for a free one month trial with access to Headspace's full library of meditations for every situation. This is the best deal offer right now. Head to headspace.com slash mom today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck orange. Let me tell you, orange is my least favorite color.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not with your teeth. I always tell the kids not with your teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this is a moral problem. Misrepresenting the colors of lighters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we tell Joe to beef up his security?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keanu West. Keanu? Did he say Keanu?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty great. I don't know though if this is going to get men to enroll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys are a real deal. You've seen these guys, they, uh, uh, you know, punch the one inch punch. Punch right through wood and stuff, man. This is real shit. These monks can do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an easy problem to remedy. You just have to go to Nordstrom somewhere nice. They measure you. The woman brings you the bra and fits you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are so low. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I'm gonna have big ones like that. If you don't like that, you better look out. That's what I'm gonna have, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does not feel good. That's why I'm so adamant about a properly fitting bra because you gotta, you gotta hold them up. It hurts. They swing around. You don't want that shit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look how dirty my shit is. I mean what do your her feet smell like Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, can't they find a way to make those Birkenstocks not get black on the bottom there? It's so nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's leather. So your oils and everything leave a mark on it. So is it leather? Yea. That's why, they're actually like quality shoes, and I understand that they're comfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Don't you feel your penis shrinking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First thing, she hikes. It makes my pussy dry. As does, uh, boat shoes. We talked about this a while ago. What are they called? Top, boat shoes? Top-siders? I mean, does anything say dickless?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like boat shoes. I don't have a dick. I mean, look at that. Without socks and then like some gay shorts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Okay, can I tell you another look that just, I don't even understand how men do this. Maybe it's cause I'm a west coaster, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When a man wears a polo shirt, Tom, and then he ties the sweater around his neck, and my daddy put the sweater on me and he made it into a nice knot around my neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that guy that played all the villains in like the Revenge of the Nerds movies? Ted McKnight?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause either you're just a, it's like the official look of the douchebag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, if you wanna be an asshole for Halloween, that's how you would dress?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Preps. Yeah, that's what it is. It's prepsters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's like the male Karen. It signifies


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, the chads? Is that what they're called? Chads and tads?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boat shoes. Get the fuck outta here, boat shoes. Fuck outta here, man. Fuck outta here, man. This is- Your fucking boat shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like, didn't we go to DR one time and there was like a one road through the whole fucking village or whatever and the guy too was like, they don't care, they're useless. Is this how you feel when I drive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I drove today cause he had a messy brown, you were chillin'. And he was holding on to the strap, you know, like it was a wild ride!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, I've been a, I'm a very safe driver. I've been driving since I was 16. I'm 44. What's the math on that? Chris Larson, can you do that in your head please?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about our bushes? I thought we were gonna do some cockroach bushes when we move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that one. A temple fountain penis water. So it looks like it's like a normal thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like when he goes, the two streaks of blood and the three streaks of blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait to see how they turn out, especially the pictures of cockroach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, interestingly enough, do you know the last time you and I took photos together I think was in the basement of Sears when we did the famous, uh, back-to-back


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I highly recommend them. We took a few fun photos. They've got all those silly backgrounds and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really reasonably priced. Good, good. I don't know if they still do them. That's it. We did that at Sears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think so. Can we bring that up? Sure, sure. It's really good. Her name is Chailey. C-H-A-E-L-E.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She even has my jacket. This is, this is Teddy Fresh. This is, uh, Eli's jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, this is real, deal. They got a real problem with Serbians coming in. Oh, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at him patrolling the border. Out in the outskirts of Hungary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. They're gonna kill you and throw you behind bars. That is real, bruh. You're illegal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do not trust the lying human traffickers. Hungary is a bad choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are, uh, blatantly, brazenly, like don't fuck with us, bro. We're basically the Texas of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did too. Or I thought she might be transitioning. Cause she does have facial hair and her body seems a little in between something. But, you know, hey, I don't know. There's a lot of Slim Jims in that fucking place. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, do you sleep on your collage sheets? Cause a lot of us do. And uhm, I sent him Brooklinen and he loves them. He's in his little bird's nest. We sleep on Brooklinen sheets. They're so soft. They come in great colors. They wash well. They're beautiful, nice, clean cotton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I can't rave enough about them. Uh, it's, Brooklyn was started by Rich and Vicki, who also tried to find beautiful home essentials that didn't cost an arm and a leg. And when they couldn't, they found a Brooklyn, which is great. It's a mommy and mommy duo, just like us, husband and wife team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And try it out. Don't wait. Do something nice for yourself. Go to brooklinen.com and use the promo code mom to get 10% off your first order and free shipping. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Enter promo code mom for 10% off your first order plus free shipping. brooklinen.com and use the promo code mom at checkout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cannot thank Manscaped enough. Let me tell you, this company has sent us so many wonderful products that have cleaned up my husband's junk like you wouldn't believe and they have made his nuts so


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Delightful to touch and be around and smell. Thank you, Manscaped. And good news, they just released their products across Europe, Canada, and Australia. So don't delay. Get the man in your life, Manscaped. Here's what they got. You're gonna love this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Crop Preserver Ball Deodorant. Hello! Finally somebody made this product. Every woman in the world wants their husband or boyfriend to have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crop Reviver Ball Toner, a spray-on toner that will give your balls a little slice of heaven, with aloe vera and hazel extracts. My favorite is the Crop Cleanser Body Wash, it makes Tom's junk smell so nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crop mop, ball wipes, the foot duster, foot deodorant, the weed wacker, nose and ear hair trimmer, come on, all this stuff, you need it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get 20% off and free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. Be the ballsy-est gift giver this year with Manscaped. Again, 20% off and free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Nadav did get him to do some guns out. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, yeaah, I know, we were talking on Dr. Giraffe or Dark, and uhm, he's, you know, we're just going back and forth joking, and he's like, you know, so many personal things have come out about, you know, my life on this show, and I'm like, oh, boo hoo, that you have a huge hog, and your wife sucks it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three to five times a week, like, poor Dr. Drew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think so many of the world's problems could be solved by just jizzin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't say that. I didn't say they smell. It's hot. I didn't say that. I'm just saying that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think those boys would benefit from normal sexual activity. I think it's good for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we won't make you cum. But we'll get you hard. But we'll get you hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I could also use to, and I'm a little jealous of our children, is when I wipe their butts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Juju does it as a j- he'll come at me like, ah, wipe you, and he'll pretend to wipe my butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, how nice would that be to have someone to professionally wipe you? Seniors!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be great to have a senior come over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be nice, and shaving my legs, I would love to have someone do that for me, a senior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen old people fuck actually. I've never lived at this. How have I lived on this planet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm glad that she's with a nice young stallion, that's kinda neat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, granny, oh, not the grandma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that one's really old. Granny is suck. Granny is suck. Grandson's dick. Oh my god. I don't like the grammar on that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way, this is what old people look like when they do it. Ugh. It's disgusting. This is what we're gonna look like. Oh my god, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you're gonna see, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But on the upside, she doesn't need birth control. She definitely doesn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all old and, oh shit. I'm gonna throw up. I know Chris is jacking off in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nature is savage. Dude, I'm gonna look this way not too long, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, how old is she? This lady? She's in her sixties. Stop, that's it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Send your nana two hundred dollars. Yeah. Watch out motherfuckers, they can take and carry your nanas. That's exciting. Send that bitch a check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but here's what I'm thinking- What about old guys? We didn't watch any old guys. I don't like old- I don't wanna see old guys. Here's the thing though. Here's why I think it bums me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it's not the physical, okay? Cause yes, it's just atrophied and old. I think for me, it's more like, that's death. Like, I start thinking about my own mortality. Of course. So it's hard to get excited when I'm like, ugh, that's gonna be me pretty soon. Like, I'll be on death's door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it because, I think, I don't like to see her vagina, I don't like to see it spread, and old looking, that scares me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean he's so fat. Yeah, he's gonna kill, he's gonna walrus her. He's on top of her with his big titties and big belly and everything. There's no way he can put that off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you feel bad for the younger, hotter person? Yes. So, I'm just saying to you, let's say for instance, I'm dead, I'm gone, and you're free in the wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you feel on some level, like, revolted at her seeing you naked? Yea. Yea, like it's not exciting cause you'll be like, yea, but I look like this and you're 20 and you're so much better looking than me naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, but back to my scenario, I'm dead, you're hooking up with a 20 year old, and she would try to be like, it's okay, you're just, I love you, but I'm saying that, would you even be able to do the sex act and feel good about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm trying to think of like, if you're dead and some like cutie patootie. Oh no. He's always doing this. Albert loves this stuff. Like if I could do it and I would apologize too and I'd be like, I've had two children. My body is just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, I'm not sure, like that's what I'm saying, in these scenarios, like that old man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even now, like I, like even these knuckleheads in the booth, you go like, you guys are babies. They do seem like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy looks bad, Tom. Grandpa fucks a beautiful teen pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, take your, ugh, this poor girl. She's like, maybe I can just push him away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, look, you know, don't these girls have a choice as to what kind of gigs they take? Yea, yea, yea, sure. Maybe she's like, this is an easy thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really should happen, this guy's on drugs right now. I agree, they make the approach too sterile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's wearing tight jeans and he's got his camera on himself in the mirror and he looks to be pissing in his tight jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And look, he's showing you all the angles of his pissy jeans. Oh my god. Makes me have to go potty too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so intricate, he's like, this is hemoglobin, how does he know all that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what's neat is I had one of those machine gun parts. I like those so much when you're, you don't know what's coming and then it's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is one of those videos that's going to haunt me for years to come. There's a few on this show that have always had a special place in my heart. The vegan vagina guy. I just fucking hate him. Guys like this by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's chaos, like he's out in the streets growing plants and he needs help, he needs mental help. He's messed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, come on, what's the big deal? It's organic, Tom, why don't you want to eat what's growing out of his leg?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck man, I could see Fed Smoker doing something like this if he had the brain capacity, cause this seems like it takes a lot of work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that wild? It's just how you treat your body is how you're gonna look. It's so, so crazy, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, despite being like super thin. Yeah man, it's just all the dice, genetic dice homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I feel, I mean look, we've just celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary. We've been together for 16 years, right? Total.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I do feel like I know you pretty well. I mean there are deep dark rage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what marriages are. You know, it's funny, it's not so much about what you say, it's about what you don't say. I think. The more you're married to somebody, at least what I've found with us, it's like just accepting that other person and being like, I'm not even gonna. Why am I gonna try to change this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, and sometimes, and sometimes-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's this show and like performing and podcasting, it takes my soul from me. So when I'm done, I feel like my soul is just gone. Cooler weather makes it easier to miss signs of dehydration, like overheating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] or perspiration, which means it's even more important to keep your body properly hydrated. One stick of liquid IV in just 16 ounces of water


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gives you two to three times the amount of hydration as plain water. Isn't that wonderful? I love Liquid IV, especially when I feel run down or maybe I'm about to go workout, you drink Liquid IV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you feel so much more, you have energy, you feel refreshed, and they have great flavors. They have guava, watermelon, and apple pie. I love the guava. It is so refreshing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It contains five essential vitamins, more vitamin C than an orange and as much potassium as a banana. And it is healthier than, uh, sugar sport drinks. There's no artificial flavors or preservatives and less sugar than an apple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Liquid IV is available nationwide at Walmart in the beverage section or you can get 25% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use code mom at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order when you use promo code mom at liquidiv.com. Get better hydration today at liquidiv.com promo code


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoop, with 2020 coming to an end and we start thinking about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Healthier resolutions for the new year whoop is making it easy to track, measure, and quantify your behavioral


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Changes. I'm a huge fan of whoop. You wear it as it's like a bracelet on your wrist and it measures your sleep. It tells you how many times you were interrupted in the night as you're sleeping. It tells you how much strain you exerted on your last


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, workout and how much strain you should exert on your next workout dependent on your rest. It is so interesting. You know what I love is the calorie tracker. Sometimes I'll wear my woop, I'll run up the stairs and I'll see how many calories I bring just to have fun with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Achieve your New Year's fitness resolutions or just try to build better, healthier habits in general. For my listeners today,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you've been thinking about giving Woop a shot, today is the day. Do it now. You get your first month of Woop for free when you sign up for their six month membership. All you have to do is head over to woop.com slash house. Again, that's W H O O P dot com slash house to get started today for $0.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Join Whoop today and sleep better, recover faster, and train smarter. This season and beyond. Thank you, Whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm fully behind you, Tom. Who's your, who's your VP?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yes you can. It's called nepotism. It happens all the time. That's what happens bro. Look at what Trumpy did as a whole. Family works for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, as president, will you make public masturbation legal, finally?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree. Well, how can, yeah, I like that idea, Tom. I'm behind you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and you know what's a good idea is they play porn when you go into Best Buy. You're allowed to play porn in public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I know, as president, will you make all seats on planes lay down beds?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you can make the plane a double decker plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think in today's world, they'd be like, that's so wonderful, Tom. You're so inclusive, putting the craziest person you can on your cabinet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause there is an asexual quality to the dad boner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's right? It's a guy who's like sweet and innocent and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, see I don't feel sympathetic for her at all. I do. I feel like she's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the neat part about TikTok is that you don't get the whole story. You just get a snippet of the absurd and then you fill in the blanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you wanna, you may wanna replay that because it happens at the very top there is that one old lady in her walker is like putting her hand out to punch the other old lady in the walker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And especially at that age, you don't give a rip anymore. You're just letting it fly, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely odd, I don't know. I don't know, but I like when he's like, I'm such a little thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's like, I'm making farts, and you see I'm doing it by digesting food. Like yea, no shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there any women out there looking for a leader? Did he give you the hair shot? Yea, in the story. Yes, I'm here. I need a leader.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good point, like what, how will you lead me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's why I liked him cause he's like so yoked and he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, I'm not hatin'. I'm not hatin'. But I was just thinking about this talk in relation to us, like, before you have a conversation, do you want me to listen, or do you want me to fix it? I think if you asked me that, I would punch you in your fuckin' face. Because when someone's upset, is that you really, that's kind of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kinda annoying. Right, well that's you, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I get the sentiment and I think that he's correct in his thinking, but in execution, probably not a good thing to really try on your spouse. Oh, here's another one for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and why don't you want to keep that on, like you don't want this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anne, Anne ran the risk of getting caught talking about it. So like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean imagine you recording that just after it happened, that girl could be right behind you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's the song from Frozen. It's about, it's about letting the past go and embracing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Tom, you know, I, potato potato, I thought this was beautiful and engaging and you felt depressed, so I don't know what to tell you. I'll show you a fun time. I don't know what to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, he's so far from the mountain that even the perspective of distance, you can tell that he's so fucking far. The panic also is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were having a good time, and we were enjoying that man's suicide song, and then you had to play this. Oh, this one I thought was pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I've been following so many prison talks, the accounts have been coming up and up and up, and I follow them immediately, and of course they disappear quite quickly. So I, it's a hot commodity when I get my hands on a prison talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. And I have to say, the, the phenomenon I've been finding is a lot of bragging about their cribs. So like one guy will show you how many, you know, bags of Fritos he has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they are still in such good shape. They look good, I'm saying. But I imagine the food is terrible in prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this is real. This is real. So, what they're doing, it's an emm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First Nation. First Nation, sorry, yeaah. So these two have been on TikTok, just the two of them, I've seen them before, and they do this breathing thing where one goes, and the other one breathes in, they breathe rhythmically together. And apparently, Camilla Parker Bowles


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Prince Charles were laughing during this native performance, indigenous people performance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does your dog ever act like a nutbag like my dog does? Raise your hand. Duh. He's just trying to relate to the ladies, Tom. I like his approach better than the queens above 18.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way to do it is in your big rig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you do anything that you're about to see, you might be a meth head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll meet you down the stairs. You have yourself a wonderful day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I don't believe that he could have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, be somehow miraculously speaking in a language that he didn't know. I mean, that's just my theory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sounds aren't really Latinate to my ears. None of the endings are sounding like Latin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I don't think, I mean, well I just wish you all the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello, my name is Steven Shelton. I enjoy getting along with people. My cell phone number is Erico.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, do you hear? Everybody have a happy Thanksgiving. I was just born to kick out things with the girls from USA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear everybody, you know, shitting on America's politics. I'm like, have you read about these Germans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I didn't, I gotta tell you something. I shook my head through that whole movie. Every time one of those soldiers was doing something, I was going like this. Bad news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. Go to satva.com slash the shit and get $225 off any purchase. And good day to you, Chomos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back on that shit. Nothing feels better than reading your dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I might. Okay. Uhm, go ahead if you want to do your date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two shows a night, that's in West Palm. In March, I'm going to the, I think, maybe once or twice rescheduled now, Phoenix dates. I was gonna do Phoenix, uh, the day after I broke my arm in life, and they told me you can't go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we rescheduled, that is March 18, 19 and 20. The following week, I believe I'm in Omaha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] April, I go back to do some Spanish shows, and I'm also gonna go to Lexington, 15, 16, and 17. May, I have Dayton, Ohio, 6, 7, and 8, and Brea, California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, as the Spanish shows get closer, I'll get into more specifics about those. Very excited to be back doing stand-up. And later this year, I get to announce


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A big world tour. That'll be months from now, but I'm super excited to announce it. Get fucking vaccinated, stop fucking around. Okay? We wanna get back on the road. So, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. Oh, another big, big, big announcement. I cannot believe this is actually happening. February 7, you may or may not know, is the final game of the NFL's season. Uh, they have a trademarked name that we're not supposed to repeat. It runs with PooperSoul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Duration, like it'll be before the game starts, all the way through the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna be a companion show. It's a ticketed event that will have also pre-packaged shot things. It's gonna be Bert Kreischer, myself, and Hall of Famer Warren Sapp. So we finally got this to come together. Um, Sapp's flying out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burt and I will be in here, we'll be watching the game. Like I said, we have a lot of things planned for it. If you go to Livestream.YMHStudios.com, you can get tickets. Uh, if you use the previous URL, it's fine. It'll just kick you over to that. Livestream.YMHStudios.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we're very excited for it. We have a whole new hosting service, website, everything that we're very excited about. So, noooo tech issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, uhm, oh yeaah, TomTalks is back. Recording another one this week. We have other ones on the books. Rate, review, and subscribe. TomTalks has got its own...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] RSS feed now, uh, the Josh Potter show as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm progressing nicely. I keep losing weight. Oh my god, it's so great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm down, uh, I'll tell you exactly what I'm down. I am down 24 pounds from the injury.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Look at them little bitches twerking their little ass. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it has been good. I'm very, uh, I love his prayer. I love his call to prayer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I gotta say, the only people that do that are Christians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we don't, we don't believe in that. And nobody ever, I've never met a Jave and like, uh, I'm gonna pray for you. No one, but Christians all the time. Have you ever had a Christian person tell you that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's get out of here. I'll pray for you. I will tell you this, speaking of Jay's, uhm, we watched, uh... Stop it!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is. Uh, we watched The Secrets We Keep the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has a J storyline, and I gotta tell you something that I put together watching this movie, just cause I, you know, I wasn't a history major.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, like I, I realized something watching this movie, that Nazis and SS soldiers, bunch of knuckleheads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just watching the movie, I was like, look at these knuckleheads, just being real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean they were super mean. Gosh. And not nice at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, another knucklehead. I was reading about him. I was reading about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am serious. I hear everybody, you know, shitting on America's politics. I'm like, have you read about these Germans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I didn't, I gotta tell you something. I shook my head through that whole movie. Every time one of those soldiers was doing something, I was going like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and I could, I felt like they needed a real finger wagon. Don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? But anyways, very good movie, secrets we keep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we watched the Night Stalker docu-series on Netflix, and I gotta tell you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if I may say so myself, another knucklehead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of these serial killers can be knuckleheads. Yeah. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, I knew his name and I knew the moniker, you know, and I knew the general story. The docu-series is tremendous, they do an amazing job of telling the story and having the two detectives kind of narrate the entire story of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The crimes and the capture, right? They kinda picked, we're gonna go over this period of time, like 84 through 85, and the capture and the trial and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize the extent of the terror he caused. You know, because I just, you kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I came to like, learn who he was, you kind of, you learn the name, you know, you killed people and you're like, okay. And then when you follow the story, man, I mean, he murdered more than a dozen people. He attacked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let go, but he also thought he had killed people that he didn't kill. He was attacking, abusing children. I mean, the guy was such a menace, such a horrible- Menace. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he wasn't using because they called him the valley intruder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the walk-in killer, and he was like, and then the Herald examiner called him the night stalker, and he was like, that's what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Figure out who he was, it gets confirmed, they put it on the front page, and you know, there's no internet obviously, but it's on every newspaper and on the news, television, around the clock, and he goes, he's in like a East LA neighborhood, he walks into a liquor store and sees his picture on the front paper, he's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He jumps on a city bus and people on the bus have the paper so they start looking at him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, hold on, he gets off the bus because he sees somebody recognize him jump off and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Richard jumps off and runs across like eight lanes of freeways, right? And then jumps into and starts running through like an East LA neighborhood going up and down these streets. People are, you know, pointing this direction. He tries to carjack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite part of the whole thing is that, finish the doc, and Christina's like, the time you watched all these shows, like, why did this happen? So I give her my, you know, amateur


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, okay. And then I start thinking about it. I'm like, well, I want, you know, I wonder what happened. So she's like drifting off to sleep. And then I come back, I get in bed and I start reading about his childhood night and I go, Hey, hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could be. I think, I think so. I, I am a, I enjoy the, uhm, the game of trying to find the bad guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy hiding in the bushes jumps out and pins you down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's real shameless behavior, and it's also like a separation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, psychopaths are usually more cunning, higher intelligence, uhm, people mistakenly think that psychopath denotes violence, like actual murder and stuff. It has nothing to do with that. Zero sense of remorse, zero sense of guilt. Sociopaths usually live on the fringes of society. So you see like this, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, the guy that like steals a car and drives it into a, uh, like a convenience store out on the sticks and is like, fuck it! And like, you know, shotgun blasts and does crazy shit like that, a lot of people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Psycho, a lot of psychologists would denote, call that person a sociopath, right? They both have no sense of remorse or guilt, but the psychopath is usually thought of to be more cunning, more intelligent, uh, methodical, zero sense of remorse, zero sense of guilt, and, and Cosby has the, the added


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In his mind, the story's already spun in his mind that like, I flew you out. You saw the show. You came up to the room. You had a drink. We had a good time. I'm just checking on you. How you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a famous, there's a famous police officer who raped


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was in Lafayette, Louisiana. Okay, this is years ago. And he would break in and rape them on the job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Sometimes. And one of his victims was like, yea, you told me, like, you gotta keep your windows closed. I mean, something bad could really happen to you. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, there's a lot of bad people out there. What are you doing? Why is your window unlocked?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let me, let me give you a Google search. Let me see if I can do it remotely. Ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, cause maybe the city's wrong. That's why I think Louisiana. Try that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's too recent. This is an older case. How much older? I think this case has to be between 15 and 20 years old. So maybe do...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have an image of him? No?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely a white guy, but that's not him. Back up again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen him crying in court. I've seen his, uh, like his official police officer, you know, shot, whatever it's called. I don't think that's him. Hmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, so the cop would break in and uhm, he'd come in, he would rape them, and then he'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, your windows open, there's a lot of dangerous people out there. And like, tell them that. You know, one of the things that they made the police off, like the investigators think that it might be a police officer that was committing these rapes in Louisiana?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he, uhm, that one of the victims remembered that he held his flashlight like this. Oh, like that? Yes. That's how cops do it, yeaah. So he was flashing the light, and she was like, yeaah, he held it like this, and they were like, hm, because most lay people hold it like this. Right, that's a cop thing. It's a very cop thing to hold it up like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's him. That's the guy. Yeah. Yes, he was on Forensic Piles. Yeah. Yeah, I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy was like, it's like, it's very similar to the Cosby thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You commit the crime, and you compartmentalize it. That's what he's doing. Like Cosby too. He's like, he's doing this thing here, but he's able to separate it completely from like, he's like, I'm Jello Puddin Pops, you know? And that guy's like, I'm a police officer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I notice we're missing our general, our usual switcher, uh, today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, after this past year, what am I gonna say? Hey Annie, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Might as well, uh, might want to box out the, uh, NBA finals week and be like, hey, you got the whole week off too, Annie. Enjoy that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything. She was really excited about it. She was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a new year, which of course means a new you, but when it comes to what you're craving, maybe that's still the old you. Order your old favorites or try something new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DoorDash. And it's like literally whatever you want, man. They have it all. DoorDash connects you with the restaurants you love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now and right to your door. You can get the grocery essentials you need with DoorDash 2. Get drinks, snacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember last week? It's unreal. YouTube Talks thought this was just like a hungry guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what's going on. And Zolo and I, I mean, I was the first one to say this is definitely a hard dick. His dick's about to rip through his pants. And then Zolo was like, I think so too. Anyways, guess what? We got an expert to confirm what's going on here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's fantastic. Her IG, she said, we can give it out, is at Mars, I believe, Kohler or Keller. It's M-A-R-S-K-O-E-H-L-E-R. So thank you so much, Mary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I just can't help but think about, I was in the back of an ambulance recently, and I wonder what that would have been like if I had been like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the paramedic's like, you know, I've been wearing these panties all day. And I'm like, what? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, I'm gonna give you some fentanyl, but do you want my panties to make you feel better? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the better, if I'm holding my arm, I'm like, I'm in so much pain. And she stands up, takes her pants off. I'm like, what are you doing? And she takes her panties off, puts her pants back on. I'm like, what? And then she just goes smothered. I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's funny that you say that. Cause I think a lot of women could probably learn a thing or two from this person. This video seems pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I love about this guy though? That he's so confident. He gets it. He's not, he's not like trying to figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until she married. He explains, I'm gonna tell you how beautiful you are every day. That's the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even when you make a mistake, you are someone special. I'm going to be that person until the day you find a man to do that in my place. Uhm, what the fuck, it says in the actual article. Uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A real sweet guy who's kind of oblivious like to, to ground the, the daughter in reality. This is not that. This is, this is more in the abuse lane, super strict, like super, super strict and religious and he's going to fuck her up. Big time. Big time. Yeah. This guy's a real jerk. Now you know who else is a knucklehead? We learned Arnie Hammer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These came in, have you not heard about this yet? This is one of the most neato stories out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy is a very talented actor, very popular too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've seen him though. You've seen him in things. He works a lot. He works a lot. He's an in-demand actor. Until recently, married, uhm, kids, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since then, he has leaked DMs. Uhm, and I, here's the thing, I don't like to kink shame. So I don't want to kink, you know what kink shaming is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's rude and you should let people get off on whatever they get off on and not shame them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But sometimes these kinks are, you can't help it, they're more eye-opening. They're, they're stranger than you're used to. Yes. You know, you hear some of these things like panty sniffing and boot licking and you're like, eh, it's, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Arnie has a real unique kink. He likes, uh, is it army? Army? Oh, it's army. I thought it was Arnie, like Arnold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Struggling to pull out exactly what they are. Armie Hammer, you're right. He's cute, yea. Armond Douglas. Yea, he's a good looking guy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in a bunch of stuff and he's got like, I don't know, eight things in production right now. Very busy actor, uhm, does a lot of stuff here. Okay, let's see. Wounds, on the basis of sex, Hotel Mumbai, Sorry to Bother You, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, this is what happened. Uhm, somehow, I don't know how the story actually broke, but they leaked DMs that he had, and they are revealing his kink, his fetish so to speak, revolves all around cannibalism. So,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let's see, he says, I want to see. I want to see everything. I want to see your brain, your blood, your organs, every part of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would definitely bite 100% or try to fuck it. Not sure which, probably both. If I fucked you in a vegetative state, I'd keep you, feed you, wash you, and keep fucking you till you are so sore and broken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I don't think Richard would explain this to you. Uhm, now he writes, see we're not seeing the other side of this conversation though, because clearly he's responding to something here, he says, oh my god, that made me so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it makes me confused as to why. Is that even possible? So hard. Thinking of holding your heart in my hand and controlling when it beats. I am 100% a cannibal. I want to eat you. Fuck, that's scary to admit. I've never admitted that before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've cut the heart out of a living animal before and eaten it while still warm. And here's the thing. He's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a normal guy. Uhm, yeaah. So, yeaah, I know. I do kind of feel bad for him because he shared these feelings and someone just outed him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a fantasy, I don't think he's actually a cannibal, but I think that whole blood and guts thing gets him off for whatever reason, I don't know why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet you his DMs, well I think he's probably off, took his account off, but when he comes back there's gonna be a bunch of cum hungry SLUTs that are like, you can cut me up. This is gonna work in his favor ultimately, definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I think that most people or women that are reading this are probably going, like, he's not actually gonna kill me, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're that scared of them, you're not going to engage, but I think most people are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Consciously give a piece of themself to you. You know what I mean? Like they have to be, uh, with it, you know? And go like, okay, here's a piece of my leg and give it to you. In order to not be prosecuted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said it made me realize that I'm not just saying it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A deer. I shot it, ran up, pulled out the knife, cut out the heart and ate it. Totally raw, still warm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really, you know, I'm going to come thinking of breaking your bones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk to me, text me, text me about breaking your bones while- okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll send you the voice note while I come after reading. Geez. Yeah, my cock is in my hand. See, he's having a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see here, cutting you into pieces, fucking the pieces. Can you send me pictures? I wanna bite you again, thinking of eating you. Yeah, I think he's really just, just fantasizing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very, very, very far from doing something like that. Okay. I think he's exercising his fantasy with someone who's engaging him and you're losing something by not seeing their back and forth. You're just seeing one side of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, did that actually happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I know, but I would bet you that that story is probably a big embellishment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Says I'll stitch you up after I come. Cause I won't let you die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine all the warm blood all over my cock? Okay, drinking it while I fuck you. Oh yeah, it's just, it's a, it's a murder, uh, cannibal fantasy. I don't, I don't buy that this is like really what's gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think you're being kind of a square. Here's an image that was on his Instagram before he took his Instagram down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he took a picture of a license plate that said, I'd rather be eating human flesh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he, Armie, wrote, I wonder what he's gonna be grilling for Memorial Day. So he clearly likes that kind of thing. I think it's a kink. I think it really is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of actors, you're looking at one. I am...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a new movie. It's called Flinch. It is out beginning the 21st. You can rent it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's playing at some drive-in theaters. Apparently it was at, I think, 50 or so over the weekend. So we, uh, had a little chat with the writer, director, and producer of this movie that I'm in. Uh, Cameron Van Oy, uh, joined us and here is our conversation with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is now my pleasure to welcome a very special guest, the writer, director, producer of the new film


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flinch, which has yours truly in it.


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[Assistant] Uh, Mr. Cameron Van Oy, thank you very much for joining us today, Cam. Thank you for, uhm, asking me to be in your movie, I really appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I realize after some time here that it is a miracle to get a movie made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All you hear about when you first, I've been out here almost 20 years, and from the moment you get here, you know, you meet


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People like, they give up because it's hard. It's hard to get these things done and made. And here you are, faced with like the impossible task of getting a film made on your own and you did it. It's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did, how are you so capable of getting this done?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I see everything you're saying now comes through with you. I believe that you don't give up. I believe that you deeply care about it. I believe that there's almost like a you have to have some level of obsession with getting your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I want you to do a masterclass because, you know, like when Martin Scorsese does one and he's like, here's how you make a movie, he's like, yea fuckhead, you probably just go like, hey, it's me, Marty, I wanna make a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to see somebody who like actually really has to hustle because I remember getting the call about this like, you know, here's the movie and it was an offer and just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I feel like you were, you had your, your crew and, and just relentless in getting this thing made, you know, which is that I think that's what you have to do for anybody out there who's like, I want to make a movie. You've got to be obsessed and relentless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take a bite. Go ahead. Don't let us stop you. Take a bite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, is that the Cameron Vannoy, uh, key to fitness? Just one breakfast sausage a day and then that carries you through the day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, what can you, what, like, talk about this movie, what the movie's about, and then I, yeah, then I'll have a follow-up for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let me, while you're here, I'm gonna play the trailer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna play the trailer to your movie, Flinch. Uh, check it out. Uhm, if you're watching the podcast right now, or you're listening, you should be able to rent it, right, uhm, on any of the platforms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, beginning the 21st. Alright, here's the trailer to flinch. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the big follow up for you though, Cameron. Why did I get cast in this? How?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the time. All the time. I'm always like, did you get this one? So, how did it happen? How did I get this part?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a fun, fun experience because I got to play, uh, a really, the, the part is really fun. I also got to do some extremely violent things and I won't give away everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A clip here that doesn't give away too much, but that you sent that we can play of my part. A little clip. So I'm gonna go ahead and play that right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't give a shit where you guys are. So? Take a fucking shower together. Fine. Let's come back Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, uh, here's a little, little tidbit for people who watch this. You had great, great, uh, cast and crew. And, uhm, so I'm working with the stunt coordinator for that, uh, little teaser scene we just showed in the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was a scene, there's a part where I shove him against a bathroom stall door. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, alright, how should I shove you? He was like, shove me. Like, really shove me. And I go, I'll shove the fucking shit out of you, man. And he goes, go for it. And then the stunt coordinator, the guy, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, give him a good, you know, grab him by the shirt collar and give him a good


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That only happens with an actor in his twenties, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was uhm, he was really, really, uh, fantastic in that though. Uhm, well look man, this is just, like I said, I think it's an incredible, just, I think it's an incredible feat to just get a film-mate. I really do. Like every time,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, now having worked on a few, I just go, these are basically impossible puzzles to put together. And you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did one, man. Uh, you wrote it, you directed it, you produced it, so uhm, congratulations. Flinch is available for rental.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Starting on the 21st, I hope you watch it, I hope you guys check it out. I had a blast doing my part and like I said, getting to be real mean and violent and like kind of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking out my natural feelings but in a healthy environment that's productive and conducive to emotional well-being. Uhm, but, uh, I'm proud of you, man. I really am. I think it's amazing that you did this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. And uhm, let's talk soon. We got other things to talk about. We'll talk soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we can all agree that 2020 was rough. It's time to clean the slate and start 2021 off on the right foot. One goal I have for myself this year is to become the internationally recognized hydration god. And I will be doing that with the help


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have a little Liquid IV. Grab your Strawberry Liquid IV. Or there are other great flavors in bulk nationwide at Costco. Or you can get 25% off when you go to LiquidIV.com. Use the code MOM at checkout. That's 25% off anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You order when you use our promo code mom at liquidiv.com. Get better hydration today at liquidiv.com promo code mom. There you go. In that movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty exciting. I had a lot of fun doing that. I can't believe it was that long ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, Cameron man, he is one of those guys that he gets it done. Can't say no. Uhm, another one of our favorite stories of the year has been about Ilaria Baldwin. And this thing,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best, right? So people are so obsessed with this story, and I can't blame them because it's the best. And they've dug up, uhm, I guess she's been on podcasts, and they pulled these, pulled a couple clips from, of audio only, but the story, if you don't know, is that Alec Baldwin's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wife now is named Ilaria. Birth name is Hillary. And she was born and raised in Massachusetts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her parents retired to Mallorca, Spain. She spent some time there, you know, on trips as a kid, but apparently she's been


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Acting like she's from Spain. It's a victimless crime as we were talking about other ones before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like selling panties as a paramedic, it is a victimless crime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it. And she, you know, was kinda sliding under the radar with this story because no one really cared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then somebody dug it up and they're like, oh, you're not a Spaniard. Um, because she actually does speak really, really good Spanish and speaks it with a Castilian accent and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Changed her name from Hilary to Ilaria. Named her five kids. Ultra Spanish names. And, you know, had like a Spanish themed wedding. Like all these things. And then someone was like, oh, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not. And then she went on to say like, no there's, you know, miscommunication on this thing, I never said I was this, I never said I was that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said you're on IG, she's on IG all the time. Before that. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well that she has kept this thing going but flying under the radar. No one really knew. And...


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[Assistant] The story is really that she was like, people were putting this together piece by piece. At first they were like, what do you mean? Like, you hear the cucumber clip and you're like, what is the English word for cucumber? And then the accent would come and go, people put together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I got caught up in it. She's like, I'm one of those people who speak a lot of Spanish, I fuck up English. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great, either way, it's a, here's a, it's a fascinating story. Uhm, here is some audio that was pulled from a podcast she did, that they've since, you know, since dug up about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a really interesting answer because nothing is a direct


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[Assistant] That's right. Yes. Is that like Hillary? Like that's the same as Hillary. She's like, well, you could be like, well, my birth name's Hillary. My name's Hillary. I just go by Ilaria now. Then it was like your English is so good. And she's like, well, I'm American.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. The correct answer. But both your parents are Spanish. They live there now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's interesting because, like we said, I kind of understand that in your head you're just like, it's just way cooler to be Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was 22, I moved here and I never looked back to my country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is very artful and clever. And none of those things you could accuse her of being of. Like hey, you didn't make a false statement. You just danced around the truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, and they ask them directly. Yea, and they're like, would you vote to impeach?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that everybody has a process, and you're like, oh, so you just won't answer. You won't answer the question. Got it. Uhm, this is another one of hers that's also, it's just, it's cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's funny because I learned about Zara.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In 2000, uhm, when I studied abroad in Madrid. That's where I learned about it. That's how I would say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how you're not on your IG being like, do you want these? They're 30 by just farted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do I want you to? It's not that I want you to, I just thought that that was what your destiny was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, horrible or hilarious. Ready? I'm ready. What do you think of this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there we go, another horrible or hilarious?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't seem like real panic from the person recording. They're like, hmm, hmm, hmm, let's go look out the window.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Oh, speaking of fine, a couple follow-ups here. Uhm, the famous helicopter video that I got wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, as a licensed helicopter mechanic, I figured I'd put my two cents in on the guy getting hit by the helicopter rotor blade. When the helicopter comes into land, you can see that it's going uphill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being that a helicopter rotor is basically a giant gyroscope, it does not slant with the hill but instead wants to stay


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] at the original path. This means the path was closer to the ground on the nose and further away from the ground in the rear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Helicopter blades are basically invisible at night, and during the daytime it is still hard to judge where they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are super easy ways to avoid these kinds of accidents. Do not be underneath a running helicopter unless you absolutely need to. Listen to the pilot because he can tilt the rotor blade up so that this thing doesn't happen. Never approach a helicopter from uphill, etc. I hope this helps to answer some questions, Dave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks Dave, confirming that you shouldn't approach a running helicopter. Uhm, I believe last week,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it last week that we had the, uh, elevator? I think it was, right? I'll just pull that real quick here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then you just see kind of a jump cut to them being pulled out. But they went through the exterior elevator doors into an elevator shaft. Really strange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they both, we can definitely say, they're fine. These guys are a-okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a bigger building, it can be more. Most likely they got some good bruises and maybe broke a bone. Love the show. Bye, Hitlers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot. There's so many. Let's see if this is, oh this is another, oh yeaah, this is one from last week too that we have a follow up on. Remember this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you might appreciate this. I'd like you to pay attention. Okay bros. If you don't mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said it. This is a woman who's married to an NFL player. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seems like a real even kind of leveled relationship, right?


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[Assistant] But also being, she was just like, I do this and like, I'm picking this stuff up. And he was, like, his face was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you're actually, alright, I thought you might react a little different. Can I tell you something?


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[Assistant] Jesus. Check this out. Hey, that's what she wanted. Check this out. You ready? Let me see. This shit made me laugh so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was in the hospital. Like when I was in the hospital and I'm talking about like early on, like maybe, I don't remember if it was pre or, probably post surgery, but I'm like fucked up, right? Like everything hurts, all you're thinking about is your pain all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, I would go on social media, but you know, you'd be unmotivated, you'd read something.


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[Assistant] I hadn't really laughed and I saw this dude doing a ridiculous purposefully over the top


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To, like, pretending to have a severe disability. Right.


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[Assistant] I agree. I agree. I fucking love TikTok. There's uhm, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Green Lights is his new book. Uhm, I guess he's been putting a lot of messages out there. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super intense. He really is, you need like the intense actor guy. He's part of the ecosystem, you know? He really is. Like you're weird, and you say shit like, green lights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you should embrace those voices of being weird, saying a weird thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, trying things. Yeaah. You know what I mean? Like surfing and whatever shit you want to try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like cars more than affairs? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm probably gonna lose like 20 more and then just kinda, you know. Sweet. See what's up. Stop it!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could definitely talk about some wild shit. Do you think you could talk about this? You describe what we're seeing here, okay? Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like walking through the lobby, I'd be like, that's not the guy that took a shit by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's got, I mean, he's murdered out, but he's, you know, he's wearing, putting his stuff together, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You taking a shit right here, why don't you go in the store? Why are you shitting the parking lot? Then there's, there's like the ultimate level.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, I'm about to get sick.


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[Assistant] He's got, he's really got it all. What a staff. Now there's a cool guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause this guy's got it all. He's tanning in California. He's at a bikini bar doing coke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sex three times. First time 12 minutes, then 40 minutes, then 55 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very rare, but I had to take a pee break. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, it's a new year, finally. Let's start off right, you know what I mean? Trying to save some cash is on your mind. Think about re-shopping your home and auto insurance rates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Policy genius. You could save up to $1,055 per year with help from their licensed experts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do the comparing for you. You say you want to switch and they help switch you. You don't have to deal with the burden of doing that policy genius has your back. If you're a homeowner, make 2021 the year you save up to $1,055 by simply reshopping your home and auto insurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just head to policygenius.com to get started right now. Policygenius, when it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mine is probably the most boring. I should tell you mine first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dental update is that I had a cleaning set for the fourth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I was just like, yeah, I don't think I can be in a car that long to drive there and back. And they were like, okay, call us when you want to reschedule. That's my dental update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna feel good. It's gonna feel so good. I can't wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so excited for him. Me too. It's a really big step. Uhm, we also, by the way, I wanted to mention we watched Star Wars, the original, The New Hope. Uhm, episode 4 is the first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but we watched it and you had a realization which is that you now were like, Oh, I think I'm attracted to Han Solo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was a little girl, I loved Luke Skywalker, and I told you, because Luke...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what happened. You went from being a girl to a woman. So, uh, Luke, this is basically Luke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's been through it, he's grumpy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he's like, I don't know, kid, get the fuck outta here with that shit. Come on, Chewy, light this thing up, let's go, we gotta fucking go. Plus, my dick's all hard, hasn't been empty in a while, like he's saying crazy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Years later, she admitted that she had an affair with Harrison Ford during the filming of this movie. Shut up!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, probably the duration of the filming. Or partially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lord Vader, you are completely out of line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like the, the last one she did, she's like, we just gotta fight for this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to tell you, because you're about to have your midlife crisis, one of the things you can look forward to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting back on the dating scene and getting messages like this sent to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was bad. This is bad. Oh fuck!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing. I go back to the Charles thing, you know, who's like our buddy now, but like when you watch it, you're like, just text, just send a text. He should have been like, uh, really wish I could take you to this place. I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fake background. Is that a green screen? It sure seems like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like trying to go on a date and you're like, uh, I'm going to be rich. It's like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause actually at first I was like, I kind of feel bad for him at first when he was just like, Hey, I want to, where you going today? And then he started going to like the resume and I was like, Oh boy. Like when he started being like, I'm awesome. I'm going to be rich. You're pretty smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in a band. And you're like, you're in a band? And they're like, yeah, I sing in a band. And you're like, what restaurant do you work at?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're an actor, and you're a writer and you're a producer. Is that how you pay your rent? No. So, let's land on earth for a second, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when he said you're attracted to me, it to me informs me that he actually knows, like, that she has expressed, uh, attraction. In other words, exactly, you don't have to say it because she already told you, like, you're cute or whatever. So you don't have to be like, you like me too. She already said it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, why are you sending a video? And he's like, if you like this, text me back. No, you text. You send the text.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think a text is like a stat, like short stuff, catching up on stuff, right? But if you're asking someone out, I mean, I don't know. I feel like I might make the phone call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, she got the sex and she was like, and it probably she was like, Oh, I want to go out that guy got the video and she was like this, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it makes sense though now. I finally got my thing, I couldn't help myself. Remember how Charles was excited, he admitted he was excited to show you his new office? So the office was an upgrade, so it's like a little flex, and it's like, I'm in my office. He has the same inclination where he has a little studio space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he can't help himself, but to show it, cause you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're thinking, she's gonna get this video and be like, holy shit. This looks really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you realize that it's also just, uhm, it's forensic evidence that you're a fucking tool. That you sent that video. God. Shit, man. Okay, more. He did do a great job with the green screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shut up. Let's not get too busy with our lives, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's have a little chat. This is all going in so many directions, and I think at the root of it, it's that he's nervous. Yes. So that's why it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. I'll forget, I'll forget, you know, I mean, I'll forget about your feed and then I'll go to your page and I'll go through your stories and it's just home run after home run. Thanks buddy. It's really something special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't. I don't think Uncle Terry's on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Congratulations Uncle Terry on surviving your fourth stroke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also like, I got a new shirt coming out and you're gonna fucking like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna like it, and you're gonna message me, and then you're gonna Venmo me. And if you're lucky, I'll fucking ship it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okie doke. I would argue that some of his spark is gone. Oh. He seems to be a little resigned to the task of making these videos as opposed to the enjoyment and thrill of creating the videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People just talk and you hear CUT and it just cuts off. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This lady is a fucking animal. And I love her. That is... This is a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a real fuckin' dad answer to, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate that shit. Like when old guys are like, wow, the thing is, you just gotta let her win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a great update. Thank you for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, if you're listening, there's a man on the subway with a pet rat and uh, he takes his mask off and kisses the rat before putting it on his leg and there's passengers that are around that are as upset as they should be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought she needed like, someone to help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well those are a great, great batch of talks. Got it. Really appreciate that. Uhm. That's it? Yea, that's the last one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some good ones in there, some really upsetting ones, but some good ones in there too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of that. Um, as a reminder to everybody, before we leave here, don't forget, Christy P and I are going


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the road again, so there are shows, uhm, coming up. Make sure you go to TomSegura.com, slash, tour for mine, ChristinaPOnline.com, slash, tour for hers, and of course,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are doing a live streaming special event, February 7th, the day of the big game, the NFL's last game. Livestream.ymhstudios.com for tickets, Bert Kreischer, myself, and the great Warren Sapp will be out here. We will watch the game together. We have some pre-packaged stuff that we'll play throughout the show. We have a new home, a new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, website, server, hosting bay, everything is new to avoid any technical problems. So I hope you'll join us. We're really excited about it. There's new merch in the store. If you want to go to store.ymhstudios.com, there's a whole bunch of stuff in there. And I think that's it, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So somebody hit my car and they wrote, I'm sorry for hitting your car. It was an accident. I don't have money or insurance, but here is snacks. Sorry. They left me some Ritz bits and some Cheetos. Those are hot Cheetos.


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[Assistant] Well you do enjoy watching women cry, so I figured you would be the expert, the aficionado.


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[Assistant] Let's face it, going to the post office is probably not how you want to spend your time. That's why I recommend mailing and shipping online at Stamps.com. Stamps.com allows you to mail and ship anytime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can do everything you can do at the post, office, and UPS right at your computer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Mom. That's Stamps.com, promo code Mom. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. Go to satva.com slash the shit right now to get $225 off the purchase of your next mattress.


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[Assistant] I'm not saying, uh, I know you get scared. Can I tell you something though? For 15 years,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for 15 years I didn't know and then two days ago I go, dude, can you play me the real song? Cause I've only ever heard you sing it. And it's like 20 minutes of them doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I tried watching it and I got like halfway through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This really is intriguing because why would that bring you to tears?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you do enjoy watching women cry, so I figured you would be the expert, the aficionado on is it real or not.


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[Assistant] Now that that podcast I listened to has turned me on to the minds of these psycho people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and you know, cause the other shows that you watch, generally, are just murder porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's interesting that it's dissociative, cause I was taught that that was bullshit too, multiple personality disorder. But she has videos of children with this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And hold on, the legal system too doesn't take into account that these people are wackadoos. All they say is, are you aware that you kill? Well yeah, I'm aware that I kill, and I hate my mommy, and I was abused, and I have brain trauma, so it's not enough criterion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause the thing is too, cause what's intriguing about it is, like, why don't I do that? That's what you think. Cause that's what that Dr. Dorothy Lewis was saying. Why don't I murder? I have violent impulses. Everybody has them. But you have something in you, especially you, when you like to follow women, you go, I like to follow them. I don't want to kill them or rape them. I mean, I want to, but I won't. So you have the brakes on your brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeaah. It's interesting because even if you have mild, uh, trauma or neglect in your childhood, you dissociate to survive it. So it's pretty, to me it would make sense that you would dissociate so far that you might create another personality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, cause he's more in alignment with convicting people, right? Like with the law? No, that's not, that's not. It's not his jam to get people convicted more? No, no, no, no, no. Cause she's like, I'm impartial, her whole thing was, I don't care what the result, I'm not trying to help. Yeaah, he's the same. A case?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's exciting that I'm into killing now, it's uhm, it's a whole new lane for me, you know? First it was just British shows, then as you say the only thing more exciting is British people baking. Yeah, it's really interesting that your feed is gonna change. I know.


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[Assistant] I know! I'm gonna watch it only through your profile so that my Netflix line doesn't get tarnished. A really exciting footnote too is that I've bought some Etsy mugs with royalty on them commemorating the Queen's Jubilee and the


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[Assistant] I love it. And nothing brings me more joy than royal mugs.


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[Assistant] Dummy. Also, oh sorry, you're on your Trump roll.


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[Assistant] Gosh, you know, another thing, uhm, really interesting hot topic we discussed briefly yesterday is that, you know, that song Superman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the boys in the off- Soldier Boy. Soldier Boy, the original, not Soja Boy, who's famous in, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got 20, 20,000 followers on Instagram. Who does that?


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[Assistant] But we were discussing the Soja Boy song, and I said, well, you kids know what to, to Superman the Ho is. It's when you jizz on a girl's back, and then you stick the sheet to her back so it looks like a Superman cape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Annie was like, what was your reaction? Because I think you really hadn't heard that interpretation of Superman.


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[Assistant] And every cowboy bar you'd see these people doing that shit. There used to be a place in the 90's called Deniman Diamonds. Do you remember that in the San Fernando Valley?


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[Assistant] Cause that stupid fucking line dancing got so popular for a while here. Everybody was doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dads are, generally. Aren't they all past a certain age?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I used to talk to my dad, it was similar too, he'd be like, oh fuck, I'm, I can't even watch the TV lately. Oh, the fucking commercials, oh god, god. And I'm like, why are you calling me just to talk about commercials?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. And I've heard now that I've been around you guys for so many years. You know, uh, Tommy was just the easiest kid. Christina was such a sweet kid. Okay. Just the cutest little shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I wonder, are we that way? I mean, are there just five topics that you and I ever talk about?


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[Assistant] I don't even know anymore, that's how stupid I'm getting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] J and D's. Dicks and caca. That's all I talk about. That's all I'm interested in now. The older I get. I'm like what else is there to life but dicks and caca. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty much, and like taking care of my kids, taking care of you, my dog, dicks and caca. Comedy.


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[Assistant] And then you fucking die when you look on your death- when you're in your deathbed.


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[Assistant] What are you gonna think about, you know? Five things, dicks. You know, you don't have to hire someone to build a beautiful website. I know this because I have built four websites using Squarespace. I love Squarespace. I can't say enough good things about them. Number one, I like their templates. Super clean.


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[Assistant] Uh, you ever go to somebody's website and it's all jumbled up, you don't know how to navigate? Not with Squarespace. They have everything you need, any kind of business you have.


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[Assistant] You can make your blog. Publish your photographs. Make a website to announce your upcoming marriage. Maybe you've got baby pictures to show people. There's nothing to, uh, patch or upgrade ever. I don't know if you've ever used other, uh, sites. They make you do plugins. They're just terrible. Not at Squarespace. 24-7 award-winning customer support.


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[Assistant] Free and secure hosting and you can sell stuff. They have powerful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] E-commerce functionality that lets you sell anything online. It really is just that easy. So go to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


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[Assistant] If you want it, so it's in the wanting to repeat the event.


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[Assistant] That's an interesting distinction though. It's in the desiring. It's not just like, oh it happened one time. I'm gay. You'd have to-


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[Assistant] But I mean, I mean, yeaah, I understand that the repulsion factor is why it's fun for guys to horse around with gay stuff. Like I see you and your male friends will verbally


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just other level game, son. Oh yea. Like that is some pimp shit that you'll never know.


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[Assistant] Well, what's I find interesting sounds horrific. It sounds I would cry. And I think the best part is that the cuckold has to clean. I clean everybody up. I mean, he's like that.


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[Assistant] I, I of course wanted to talk to him, and I, you and I took a deep dive down his TikTok.


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[Assistant] Sweet dude. Dr. Joe Court. At Dr. Joe Court. You guys know what to do. Let's get him on.


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[Assistant] Like we have a golf cart now. I will tell you, on the talk I follow a lot of orthodox Jewish people.