[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, and some of those prizes, you'd have to really start putting a ceiling on the prizes because you knew people weren't going to be able to pay taxes on something. You couldn't give away a fucking cuntage or some shit like that because, you know what I mean? You're giving away a civic. You know what I mean? That's why it's those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, I don't know anything about finances or taxes, but I know it's a hefty amount of change, a few thousand dollars, you know? Yea, and they'll be like, I thought I won it though! Yea, but I won this!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's free, right? You said free. Even on trips and shit, you know, you gotta pay some- Well, you gotta pay tax on it. Yeah. Nah, bro. Nah. But I don't pay those anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, well, we can't give it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's sad now because it's all like, it's not really happening when you're listening to it like it used to and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was always the most fun part about it, was that you just like would come across something and you'd be like, wow, this guy sounds like a fucking maniac. And you know he's somewhere in a room doing it in that moment and you could call in and you'd hear people calling in and interacting. And that's something that's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gone essentially, you know, like that pure listening as it's happening or stumbling across something. We don't do that anymore. Everything Netflix and everything else is destination watching and listening and we choose and pick and click what we listen to now. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm doing a, I'm just doing a show. I mean, like I would normally, I mean, there's news, there's I think the most important news that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, uh, I've now, uh, now Russell Wilson, I think, I've just been noticing people have been coming across his new nickname is now Sussel Wilson, because, and he considered him looking sus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was his accusation of him. But yea, the great part about having Eni produce the show is that Eni doesn't know about anything for the record. He knows about a lot of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to, uh, yeaah, so I have to remember that when I'm, you know, asking for Googling and things like that. But that makes it part of the fun too. So Eni doesn't know anything about sports either. And so I don't think it hinders your ability to listen to the show in any way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a collar of sorts. I think it's just part of his frontman look. You know, very Rob Hellford.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just a cool singer. I think he might be a relic of the 80s metal, like the Judas Priest type lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did get a little hard there for a second. This was his love ballad. I want to see real front man energy. You can tell he's worked on his body. So he's definitely just out there in front of the mic like holding it like fuck in. You know what I mean? I want to see him really rock out with a band and get a full breath of his talents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would actually be more beneficial if we were to look at them before we heard them sing and judge them based off their, like the opposite of the voice. Where it's like now, you know what, I'll turn the chair around and listen to you. How about that? That's like the choice to make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, how's your camera angle? You do all the checks and then you go, alright, I'm gonna turn my chair around and give this guy a listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy should be employee of the fucking year for that dealership. I mean, he even was like, go to the, that was a quick little jab. Go to the public library and do Google. He didn't even consider that he'd have a computer at his home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did that the other day on Friday when I was like, hey, how you doing? And then everyone was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, I can take about, uh, 2000 off the price with this trade in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it has indeed restricted. I'm not able to travel, obviously. Right. I've been cooped up in my house and, uh, some ladies caught wind of what that looks like. So, uh, they didn't, not necessarily knocking down the door. Come on over there. So, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I say right before I go. Yeah, we've come close a few times and, uh, I'm, uh, looking forward to further research, uh, as the pandemic subsides and, uh, we can go back out on the road again. It's gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, they are public, they're on sale. Uhm, I don't think Phoenix is on sale quite yet, but it will be this week or next week. But uhm, November 15th, Phoenix, Arizona, stand up live. November 17th, Huntsville, Alabama, stand up live. And then November 18th, Zanies and Nashville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, thank you for having me and thanks for the podcast, by the way. We're so excited, man. You're gonna kill it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House Podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome, uh, hope you guys enjoyed the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Live streaming pod. So first one ever, uhm, we actually have not yet done it as of this recording, but we know it has happened now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what happens at your mom's house. We record in the past, the future, the present. It's everywhere. We time travel, but we, um, we hope you enjoyed it. Um, it was a lot of fun. Yeah, it is the first one ever and we hope to do more of them. If it was something you enjoy, please let us know. Let us know in the comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you so much. Did you just burp while you said thank you? I did. I burped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, also if you go to MerchMethod.com slash TomSegura, we did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did the stingy merch. We also have a uh, a koozie that on one side it says that, the other side it says...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is, that's great for a beer, you know. Uhm, yeaah, we have a hundred percent for Bert, we have Jen, we prom, we're not gonna hurt you, we have the for safety ones, really excited, a lot of people love the shut up Karen stuff, we have a mask shirt there, anal starts at fifty, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vitamin, uh, C, Burt Kool-Aid shirt, so much sugar, boy mom, thick boy, all that stuff, uh, MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura. Thank you guys for supporting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got some stuff to get into. Uh, by the way, in the live show, if you hit that link that I told you about, uh, you can see, uh, Ed fucking. So we'll get into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yea, in the way that I look like Ed, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah. Her English is not so good. Uh, she's really upset that people are insulting her English, which is what I think is funny. That she's upset people are making fun of her English, so then she puts out a video defending her English with poor English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, here's the thing, I have a lot of empathy for people that, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you could also edit this. You could watch this back and be like, I'll just re-record this. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll send this to someone who speaks better English and have them give me notes and then record that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had, I had two, okay, I've never had surgery. I've never had anything done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, sorry, I had wisdom teeth. Right, but this is different. That's different, yeaah. Uhm, so here's what actually happened. Here's the full story for people so that you understand. I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We talked about it, and uhm, you know, not only are we done having children, but I'm on the road. And I wanna, you know, I wanna come in all of you guys too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sick of giving you 140 bucks and 160 bucks to get the morning after pill. You know, yea, you got a little- It's 20 bucks in my pocket. You got money to buy yourself a coffee after, but you gotta get that, you know. And now, you know, I can just with reckless abandon just blow loads in everybody I meet. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go to get the, uh, the consultation for the vasectomy like a month ago, and as the guy's playing with my balls, he goes, uh, he goes, oh, you have a, I think you have a hernia. And I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he reaches, he goes, oh yea, you have a hernia. I go, I do? And he goes, yea, does this hurt? And I go, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, well, you should, uhm, you should go see the general surgeon about it because, you know, he could fix your hernia and I could give you a vasectomy while you're under. And I was like, oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so weird when they check for, you know what they do? Where your sac connects to your body. So picture the highest point, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I go see the general surgeon and he goes, you know, let me see. And he goes, Oh yeah. He goes, does this hurt? And I go, no. He goes, does it bother you? And I go, no. He goes, well, you don't have to repair it right now. I go, I don't. He goes, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, oh, well, so, I don't understand, it's not gonna be a problem. He goes, oh, it'll, it'll become a problem. I was like, what? He goes, it'll get worse over time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you could do it when it's worse. And I was like, I don't want to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, uh, I'm not traveling right now or touring, but I could wait until I'm on tour and then do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, okay, so what you're telling me is I could not address it and just wait till it's more of a burden and then do it. He's like, right. I'll do it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll do it, you know, it tells me a date to pick. I pick a date. And then he goes, by the way, this is going to hurt much worse than the vasectomy. Like this will hurt you more after. I was like, oh, okay. That's it. That's all he tells me. It's just going to hurt worse. I go, alright. Then uhm, that's all I hear. That's the prep. There's nothing else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, it's basically that like an organ, um, has protruded from the cavity, right? A bulging of an organ or tissue through an abdominal opening. In really bad cases, it can be that your like, intestines, like that, you see that hernia on that guy's belly button right there on the left? That's a hernia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, mine isn't there. Mine was, like, uh, if you see that, you see that, um, image below that one that you're on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the other one. That one. And you see, you see the guy, the right, uh, right there, where the penis, that one, that's mine. That's where it is. Oh, right there, there's yours. That's exactly where it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, here's the thing, you can have an incident where you go, this is where it happened, with me that doesn't exist, like he, you know. I was like, could this have happened when I started lifting like two, three months ago? He was like, yea, it could have, but it also could be older, like you know, I don't have like a lift where I remember being like, oh shit. Like I just did something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, he said on the scale of one to ten, I had a three. So it wasn't like that prominent. It wasn't, you know, it wasn't bulging to the sense where I'd look down and be like, oh my god, the fuck is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They put you under under. And so he's like, while you're under, you'll have your vasectomy done. And so it'll be like a twofer. I was like, great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get to the hospital that morning, and I'm laying there, and I'm starting to get, like, just kind of anxious, you know, if you're in a hospital setting. I've never had any surgery, and they're like, you know, they keep asking you, do you know what you're having done?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like all the different nurses come by, do you know what's happening to you? I was like, what the fuck? Yeah, I know what's happening. And they try to trick you, uhm, because they give you, the only instruction they give you is nothing to eat or drink, nothing after midnight. Right? Right. So the, one of the nurses comes by and he goes, uh, what'd you have for breakfast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, what'd I have for breakfast? And he goes, you know, like, was it good? And I go, I didn't have anything for breakfast. And he's like, good answer. I go, how often do people, uh, fuck that up? He goes, all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, there's a, a woman I tell her. Is she hot? She was super hot, and she was like, you look like you know how to fuck. And I was like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I tell her, I go, I'm a little anxious. And, um, the, uh, anesthesiologist comes by and she's like, we're gonna give you a little something, take the edge off in a moment. I go, okay. So as we're wheeling into the operating room, they give me something through the IV and it just is mild. I was like, oh, okay. It's just like a little sedative, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we're in the room there and he pulls my pants down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kisses my penis, and he goes, this is the last time it's gonna feel like this. And I go, what? So, no, they have to draw a circle around where they're doing it. They're like, which side is the hurting end?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I go right here and then he writes yes on my crotch. Right there. What? No he doesn't. Yeah. So then anyways, then I'm talking to the lady and she goes, uh, you're going to be out here in a moment. And I go, really? Like how soon? And she goes, pretty soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a tough place to navigate, honestly. Even if you have your faculties, but you're just like, there's so many different buildings and like P3, P4, different parking scenarios. And that, by the way, P3 does not mean level 3 on a parking garage there. It's the name of a building.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, parking P3, I'm like, third level. They're like, no, no, P3 the building. I'm like, the fuck is that? Like, just crazy shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a lady at check-in who they, cause they check you in, in a separate level, and you give them your name and your date of birth and all that stuff, and they go, so she's like, like the next pod over, they go, date of birth, and she goes, what? And they go, date of birth, and she's like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just gasped for air and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I look over and I was like, she's about to die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I'll tell you the greatest thing that I've ever experienced is that anesthesia. I understand why Michael Jackson was like, come over and fill me up with propofol tonight because that is a sleep that you cannot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and then we, well here's the thing, when I finally like get my shit together, I'm like, fuck, it's so like, you're coming out of this haze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The nurse sits with me and she's like, uh, she was a nice one. She was nice and she's giving me like the post-op stuff. She goes, I gave it to your wife too, but this and that. And then she, I go, do I have something for the pain? Cause I don't feel pain yet. You know, she goes, yeah, it's kind of mild though. And I was like, why? And she was like, I don't know. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you give me something stronger? And she's like, well, it's not from me, from the doctor. Like you'd have to see him. I'm like, I'm not going to fucking find the doctor right now. I'm in this hospital. So whatever. I leave there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We drive home and then, uh, I take one of the things, I still have that anesthesia running through me, I pass out again for like five hours. In the middle of the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not a real napper, so I was like Jesus Christ. And I still don't really realize until the next morning I wake up where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kinda hits me that that hernia operation is equivalent to being stabbed. It's so, the pain is incredible because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, he told me a story. He goes, uh, he goes, so I need you to come 20 times. He didn't say come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're going to need to do 20 ejaculations, like keep track of them. And then after 20,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jizz in a cup, bring it here, and we'll tell you if there's any live swimmers, and then you have to have a second verification done before you get the green light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you don't have to immediately drive it in, you just drive it in. There's not a rush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no. Well, he said, I go, he goes, by the way, he goes, you had the hernia. It's going to be a little more painful to get started. So there's no rush. He goes, I had a guy who, uh, I told him I needed like, uh, 15 to 20 and then to come in here and he came in here like 48 hours later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, this is way more painful than I thought. I know. Yea, and I like that you diminished the pain. It actually makes me hate you now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guarantee there's gonna be such a notable shift in more people hating you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure, but I think more people will hate you now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Making this about you and trying to diminish my pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even a little bit. I think you're a parallel person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a similar chest, a similar face, and similar hair, and similar shoulders. You have it together like her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit! That was awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. No, some of them are, you know, there's people all over the world that don't have their shit together. All over the world, doesn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is, and this is the kind of girl it's worth it to go out with. Like just to see what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, look, if you sleep with her, it's gonna be a good experience. Your living room's gonna be set on fire, and you're probably gonna have your, you know, your windshield cracked and shit like that. You're gonna lose material goods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Worth it. Yeah, she might steal your social security, she might do things to jeopardize your well-being, but it'll be a good lay. You know? Yeah. She's uh, yeah, she'll hurt you. She'll try to hurt you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, she's exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotta be another island language there, right? Oh, Chamorro. Chomo? Chamorro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that he did an interview? He did an interview.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ronald, somebody asked him like some of these pressing questions. Yea, about like baby rapers and stuff. It's an audio only thing. But they, they asked him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's going to take down cops right now during this call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that he's that well thought out. He's like familiar with the term slander. He's like, I've gotten phone calls about slander a few times. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so what is the origin of this? I mean this guy is asking all the important questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy really, he, I mean, one of the things about him is that he set up so many YouTube channels. Like that guy that we interviewed last week, remember he was saying, I remember in one of his videos, in one of his videos he was insulting him for like, oh, did you move to this or this? Cause he doesn't just stay in one place. He just has like 15 YouTube channels, which,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously is, you know, it's the mystery of Fedsmoker. Uh, you have to like hunt down all the clues, but it's also a burden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To anybody trying to follow him. You're like, you have fucking 15 channels, man. What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our dogs, yeaah yeaah. She's right, there certainly are. Thanks Christina. That's too bad. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody that I've sent, I've sent his videos to friends, like you know, not people that listen to the podcast and they all, all react the same way. What the fuck is going on? What is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nonsense. It's just such utter nonsense. People, by the way, have suggested to me, some people, that, uhm, that he is, like, uh, using bots for the reason, like, that he employs, like, a factory of bots somewhere to drive this up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is somebody suggesting that these are best for teenagers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they charged him with four counts of grand theft, two counts of attempted grand theft, six counts of forgery. So he's, uhm... Wow. Yeah, but that was before I started making these videos, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel like the flossing technique has to be out there already, right? I mean, is this new?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see, did you see the, uh, Oakland A's coach? That whole storyline?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll see if you, if you go to my Twitter, because this, this got, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, some people, I couldn't believe that anybody, like, took issue. Just scroll here. Scroll a little more, you'll see the video. A little bit more. There, this guy. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that, that coach got in some heat, right? Oh wow. So apparently the A's, they do, uh, karate chops instead of fist bumps. Duck, duck, duck, you know, when they come up. Is that how you do karate chops? No, no. So I'm giving you the full story. So they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Arm extended, palm down, uhm, and then you can see that one of the players grabs his arm and is like, hey, probably don't, don't do it like that. And then he does body language that suggests like, yeah, you're right, I shouldn't do the Z-Hile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does it again. Uhm, and whatever, I don't think, uh, his life should be over, but I just made a comment, uh, you know, mockery kind of of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want you to fuckin', uh, bash his brains in and, and you know, ruin his life, but like, I can make fun of him for that, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, oh yea, looks like I'm saluting Hitler, doesn't it? And then he does it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When somebody brought up, they were like, that's the way we used to do the Pledge of Allegiance. There's so many people that got mad that people were


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you weren't zeke-hiling, that was just apparently how it was done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the Bellamy salute. Can you look up Bellamy salute? That's what it's called. And then images or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Oh my god, we did. Yea, see it's towards the American flag right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but somebody brought that up and was like, this wasn't during the national anthem. And he wasn't like, I'm really married to the old 20th, early 20th century way of saluting the flag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, salute the flag however you want. That's the only thing I really wanted to make clear. It's your flag. Do whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Learning another language has always been on my to-do list and now I realize there's no better time to start. If you're looking to learn a new language, Babbel can help you become a fluent speaker faster than you think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've actually been trying to do French for a while now. I tried it in high school after I finished Spanish. I was like, I'll try French and didn't do so well, but I've always missed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the fact that it's right there, you know, I know I have the capacity to do it. This is a great tool where you end up, you know, you're practicing with the app. You're listening to native speakers say it. You're having to remember, coordinate, you know, words with images. It's fantastic. I can help you pick it up fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lot of, uh, skills that you need to learn language are right there in the app. A lot of times that can be intimidating, but not with Babbel. It's proven to get you speaking a language within weeks. They design a course for you. Right now, when you purchase a three month subscription, Babbel will give our listeners three additional months for free with promo code Mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's three additional months free if you go to Babbel.com. Use the promo code Mom on your three month subscription. That's B-A-B-B-E-L dot com promo code Mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, oh, but speaking of our friend, our mouse pad friend, uh, you say he's for sure a Jewish man, but I bring to you this evidence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is one of the things that moves you up on the YMH playlist is when you don't change the batteries on your smoke detector.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Well, hats off to you, sir, because you are big on, you know, learning a lot, knowing a lot of people, you have your mousepads, you have your Jewish faith, and now you've just, you look like you've made the full leap into, uh, Catholic gear and songs. And he's learning to sing. Learning to sing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you watched the live show, you of course got to see him pull the skin back on his dick and, uh, and have Seamark fuck him, but this is something that we can show you that's another update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeah, I mean, his grandma has nothing to do with why he's masturbating. His grandma is really to share the story about how things can happen for any reason and change, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black man in a warehouse. There's something, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so fantastic. That is, that has made me almost forget about how much I hate you today. I thought you were over that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Imagine having to go down on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a nightmare. God, he is the best. He is the best. I fucking hope there's more videos hidden somewhere that we discover over time. Really, just such a wonderful man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, you gotta take care of yourself for a number of reasons. One of them is that you could, you could die while coming, you know, if you don't take care of yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think he's a lot of his just with Mark. I really do. Uhm, you know one thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Tony John's, uh, yeaah, to switch, switch speed here, uh, has weighed in on a lot of things, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he's got a lot of opinions. He doesn't always follow his own advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I haven't, I've thought about Tony a lot in this regard, but I haven't actually had the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been wondering these last few months, what are his thoughts on COVID-19, on coronavirus. Uhm, and luckily today we're like, hey, got an update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think him and Fauci coordinated this together. So this is actual National Health Institute in conjunction with Dr. Tony Johnson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I love Tony and thank you for taking this pandemic seriously. Uhm, and encouraging people not just to socially distance and wash their hands, but also to shower. Uhm, and to stay home unless you had a girl come through the night before, in which case you gotta start quarantining now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the hands are a real big part. Your armpits, they don't really matter as much. I mean, you should shower on your own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shit is so fucking ridiculous. You walk around anywhere, you're like, I gotta pee, and they're like, not here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many places too that don't, just don't let you pee anyways. I know, it's so fucked up. Even like during regular time, you can walk into a store and be like, I gotta, they're like, oh, there's no bathroom here. Where am I? Like, I'm a human being. I know. Citizen. I would like to, I have to go to the bathroom. They're like, find one. To piss and shit. Not here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they, if a place says that that sells things though, you gotta be like, oh, I'm not gonna buy anything from you. No, fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Whoop. I wear my Whoop all day, every day. Literally 24-7. It keeps track of everything. All my rest, all my recovery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all my strain as a built in coach lets me know, hey, you should get to sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It lets me know you should be more active and it breaks it down in an amazing way. I mean to the very last.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Details, details about your breathing, uh, when you sleep, your heart rate, uh, the level of strain that you can get to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's something that people are using in all walks of life. I mean, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, doesn't matter whether you're digging ditches or you're a pro athlete.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have insight into your body that gives you a target, what to do, how to work out, how to rest and recover. I'm fascinated by it. I think you will be too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our listeners whoop is offering 15% off with the code your mom at checkout. Go to whoop, w h o o p dot com. Enter your mom at checkout and save 15% sleep better, recover faster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this really the sissy of Fremont Street? He's back? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, he does that thing where he kinda, he leads with I wanna be submissive and then he's insulting. It's like this switch going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants a pretty white tattooed bitch, put him in a dress, insult him, degrade him, probably whip him and call him names. But at the same time, he's calling this presumed dominant person he's insulting her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That uhm, this, I don't think this is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This definitely made me jump inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This would make me, like, if you walk down a hallway in a hotel, and this was in the hallway, I could feel like my adrenaline surge and my fight or flight thing go through the roof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who would you rather sexually be with? This is your Fremont? Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, just pretend you're you and that, that Ed's thing is just, you know, just take the, the male out of it. Right, like he likes chicks. Yea, he likes chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sissy of Fremont could be dropped into seven and just like be any of the, like the, the serial killer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like what does your, your normal brain tell you is to stay away from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who you might do well with? My man, white folks. In Memphis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like this dude. You should pull more of his stuff. I sent you that page. His, his, he really says some shit man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but this is, this is legit white folks right here. He's like, wearing a black beanie. I like this shit. He really, he really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, he's great! I love this guy. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been on, uhm, death row with, uh, we don't know what's happening with the, uh, TikTok and the US government, China, who knows, or is now saying that like you have to sell TikTok by a certain date or we're gonna ban, I don't know, there's all kinds of stuff. So you've been really heavy into your talks. That's right, Tom. I hear you preparing all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I was one of those people that was about to pack my bags and leave the country, but now I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's she up to? Oh, she's loaded again. That's me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am kind of amazed at someone's capacity to spew nonsense. You know, like when somebody can cook up bullshit like that and just keep it coming and you're like, wow. I mean, this is like why people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People like this should all be in sales, you know? Because if you're like, I don't know, and then they start, you're like, here's my credit card.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's so like, holy shit. But, like, she also, like, it's kinda, it's, I dunno, she's kinda hot, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks cool, but also, like it's a problem, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's such a declaration of like, of notice me and say something. The idea that you would do this and not want someone to address it. Like if you're like, oh, people keep talking about my throat tattoo. Well, yeah, you did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want no one to address your throat tattoo. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it feels like it's great for certain settings. But on certain settings, you'd be like, ugh, this fucking throat tattoo is a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that's not good. There's a difference between doing just your throat and having the whole upper body done. Cause this kind of looks cool when it's a whole piece. Just this makes people go like, fuck man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you need to add on to that shit. You either lose it or add. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this kind of reminds me to bring up, uh, you remember our homeboy? Uh. Look at him, look how young, that's when he was on drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're looking at the Juggalo that we've showed you a number of times, who since has reformed his life and is, uh, Christian and sober and he's very much a Trump defender. I don't know how that relates to this, but he talks about it a lot. Anyways, he's been having his tattoo removal done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, what might happen, and now he does. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's pretty wild. Shows you too that it takes a lot of sessions to get that off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you do a permanent clown tattoo on your face, you might not want it later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this poor guy is just trying to fucking do his job. I just want to be a reporter. I want to be a respected reporter. And I got this guy screaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to spray down everybody in the house. There's leaves in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, that was hard to sit. I'd rather watch the sissy of Fremont.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Ed Asner. Stop it. What are you talking about? The kiss is bad. This guy's a fucking creep. What's going on with his head?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be with Ed Asner first, then this guy, then Sissia Freeman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the head thing is so weird. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty great. Uhm, okay, so, we'll be back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're constipated and you have trouble pooping in public places, but you have to really go to the bathroom. So, you go to, into a gas station and you sit down and you pretend to poop. Or you go through the motions at least and then you, uhm, you know, you get up and go on your way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's something about it that just works so well. What works? You can last maybe three days minimum, five max off of that before you're, you know, before you lose control, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, if you need a quick fix, and you know you're not gonna be able to go to the bathroom, just pretend to go to the bathroom. And your, your body will, the motions will, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll be back to talking about farts and dicks after this quick break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My queen's above 18. There he is! I'm over here in Minner, delivering a load. It was 4.30 when I woke up and started driving. That was too early to give you beautiful women a call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On a Friday morning, everything looking beautiful in Menor, Ohio. Menor, Ohio? And you guys have a wonderful day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on my queens, let's do the King Challenge. I'm waiting for the videos. Send me a video. Let me know when you do them and I'll look them up. Or send them to my private messaging. I would love to see them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love my Queens Above 18. You guys have a beautiful day and I will talk to you tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know how I am, you don't know anything about me, but you wanna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I have to cut those teachers and firefighters, police officers, and cut critical healthcare programs. Or stop work on roads and bridges, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning my queens above 18. You got the king here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys get up, get your day started, it's gonna be a beautiful day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you guys are from the Ohio area, it's supposed to be gorgeous today. A little chilly, but you just put a blanket on the bed for the night, get you a coat, and go out and enjoy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys have a good weekend. Keep up the good videos. Send me some videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello, I'm at the garden and intentional community where anyone is welcome at 89.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Galen Road, Lafayette, Tennessee. I'm going to take a tour of it in the next upcoming videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always remember when you're at a thrift store and you're finding a cool item like this Nemo statue to look at it closely. Do you see that? One of the coral pieces is broken. It's $2.99. It might still be sellable, but I passed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To my 74 year old father and he was able to figure it out. I love it, the templates are clean, intuitive, uh, you can sell your products, you can have an online store there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, build a website for the new baby you just had to show pictures with friends and family, a wedding coming up, all these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So go ahead, check it out, try it out, squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unbiased and unimportant. That's the kind of news we report.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let the fun train start. Choo choo choo choo choo choo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's too bad because it's really just out of love that we call him that. Well, we don't call him...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An international smash hit. People were dancing to it in countries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm your baby mama, so that means your kids are half-awarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are, funny enough, I spent two thousand dollars on these worth every penny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean. This kid's a genius. America's got talent. Why isn't this kid winning? America's got talent. This kid, let's take it from the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree. And it is a skill set, because I don't think I've ever seen a man do that. Can you slap your balls against your legs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the next song. Slap in, yo ball, slap, slap, yo ball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, leave it to the mommies to leave no fart explored.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's just how they do it in the movies. Tom Cruise probably did the stunt a million times. It's perfectly safe. We're going to have a stunt coordinator. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the deal, is that you're so unique in your system, because for me there's only two switches. I have to shit, and I have to shit now, or I just don't have to shit. But you've got various shades of gray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a, I got a shit. And, uh, and then you go, okay, yeah, la, la, la, la. And then we keep driving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, and you thought that was normal that you wait 30 minutes. Now to me when I feel the tug, I have to heed the tug. Otherwise the moment passes and I cannot shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I loved it because I remember, remember back when we lived in Silver Lake, you used to fart in a car and you would roll the windows up and it would be very smelly. And then I'd roll the windows down and go, oh, my husband farted. I would tell people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we didn't get that one too fast. But you get the, you get the picture. Let me take that off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but it's fun to let people know, but you need a getaway. The point is that you gotta get away. Yeah. Right after you yell it. Yeah. Cause the fun part is just saying it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never! Until now with Quibs, new smart electric toothbrush good habits can earn you great perks like free products,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, uh, when and how well you brush. You can get tips and coaching to improve your habits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does look cool. It's such a great product. We have quip. I keep mine in my shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I stick it right there and now I'm going to be tracking my habits and I'm going to earn all kinds of rewards like free products, gift cards and discounts from Quip and their partners. Do you already have Quip? Upgrade it with a smart motor and keep the features you know and love. Sensitive sonic vibrations, a two minute timer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start getting rewards for brushing your teeth today and go to getquip.com slash mom right now to get your first refill free. That's your first refill free at getquip.com slash mom. Spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash mom quip. Better oral health made simple and rewarding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you've been saying it to me like, okay Christina, show me that you like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was saying that, Tom was saying that to me, like, don't be stingy. Doing all the... And then you called me a rotten dog the other day, like, in the kitchen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, babe, are we gonna, cause you know, we just finally made marital loves, like normal people since your operations, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's funny, that Hitler's meth was a real, uh, funny thing for people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, our Instacart delivery guy, as he gave me the groceries, he goes, oh, I was just listening to you. And then he goes, Hitler's meth!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any other, uhm, old guys coming, send that in too, because I think this is a great lane for us to be going down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well what, I think maybe if you say I feel badly about something, right? Okay, so hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you know what someone wrote into me saying that I speak like a hongo and that I, instead of saying ing, I say the ca sound, so something. Or, yeaah. Okay, instead of saying something, they say, I say something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. I don't think I've ever picked up on that. I've never picked up on that. I don't know. I'm all over the map.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And I also, doesn't he have like lesions on his hands and neck? It's very strange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's crazy as fuck, but it's like, yeah, it's like Ed Asner saying this kind of shit to you, where you're like, oh, it kind of makes sense when he says it, like, he has a logic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pentagons, pentacles, everywhere, squares, rectangles, the shapes of the demon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, he's so sincere and he's so dialed in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of, you burped into your mask the other day after we had, I believe, was it Korean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's fantastic. This is us in like 20 years, right? Plenty. Fuckin' five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels like it. We're aging in dog years. Well I like how, uh, it all happens in slow motion too. Like you ever have one of those falls that you know is happening as it's happening to you? It's so embarrassing. But you can't stop it. You're in it. You just have to surrender to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got real crazy eyes. He's got crazy beach vibes. So there's like, there's crazy and then there's beach dog crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fabulously priced. They're a great quality product. I buy them for people as gifts, but have you tried Brooklyn and towels? Oh, Jean and I use Brooklyn and towels every day. How much do you love them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it just turns your bathroom into a spa experience. They're so plush, it's like the perfect hug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To start my day off right. It's like a little, you're doing great! And you know what? They're cozy and warm. I believe them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Brooklinen is the perfect place to find all the comforts for home, including ultra soft towels, and they are so confident in their product that everything comes with a lifetime warranty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use promo code mom for 10% off your first order at brooklinnen.com. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Promo code mom. That's how our kids say my name. Mom. Brooklyn and everything you need to live your most comfortable life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, I had the best memory. I did this TBS show a while back. Remember, and I'll never forget the producer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, well, you're gonna have to live here. You're gonna have to stay here for like three weeks in this hotel. And I go, I can't do that. I have to do my podcast. And she goes, wait a minute. You mean to tell me you're going to pass up doing a television show for a podcast. And at the time I was like, yeah, bitch. Cause my podcast, more people give a shit about this show. And it's true. And it's more fun. Definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you think you look a certain way, like I took passport photos yesterday or the day before and I was like, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our regular pediatrician couldn't make it and a doctor showed up wearing flip flops and jeans and like a button down Hawaiian shirt and I go, this is the doctor. Wow. And I said, get the fuck out of here. Send this guy out of here. Send him back to Hawaii. Send him back. I go, this guy doesn't have the sense to dress like a doctor. I'm not going to let him touch me. I remember this. Is that true?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The irony, anytime I hang out with doctors or they come to my shows, uhm, they're usually, there's a lot that smoke, our nurses smoke. Are you serious? Yea man, go walk through Cedars, when he was having his procedure done, I would see nurses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so hold on, so you can pitch in the room, and let's say Lauren loves the idea, everyone loves, is that like a green light? Hey, you're doing that on Saturday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pitching is always tricky in the writers room. Uhm, for a minute I worked on Chelsea Lately and I just, you have to learn, it's an art form of learning like who's gonna like what you're saying, how's she gonna react, who's gonna green light what, who's sensibility matches and finding an ally. It's so political. I remember I wrote for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, you are a fantastic joke writer. Like, I was telling Tommy the last time you and I did Spades show together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said I donate money anonymously, and by the way, I call myself anonymously or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's such a funny joke. I mean, that's brilliant. It's so brilliant. And like, it makes me hate what I'm doing so much because then you're like, oh I'm not that clever. Like that was, that was like two or three layers of a joke, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not true. I actually think, I will give you examples. I love, uhm, I love Phyllis Diller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love, she was just joke, joke, joke, joke, fun, light, keep it, you don't know where she leaned politically, you don't, she didn't have a big statement. Don Rickles, I think one of the funniest people, you don't know where the fuck he stood on anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the one that the young guy who just did the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not Tommy Johnigan, I always think it's Tommy Johnigan. He's the young kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like everything about you. I do, you know what I like about you? You are a fantastic joke writer. You're one of those genuinely funny people. Like, Ton tells me what you guys talk about on your walk even. Not all of it. Hey, Kev. Not all of it. Thank you, Ton. Like everything, like how you, yeaah. And uhm, I'm like, oh, that's such like the essence of a real...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you know what's interesting is uhm, when I do stand up, if I even kinda do that with Tom, the audience does not like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do not. They, they, I mean I love him clearly, but they don't even want to hear me complain, like if he is messy or, you know, he doesn't hear children crying in the night, like my husband just doesn't hear babies crying, it's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get so mad at him. And then he gets mad at me for getting mad at him about-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real quick, and now does she check her phone in front of you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, like what's a zinger she didn't get?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I don't find him, cause to me it's just like one of his regular thoughts. Cause he's so twisted, it's not even a bit. I'm like, that's, that's too normal for you bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the comedy story. And he was like 23 and I was 26 years old when we met. Shut up. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did have a bigger, a bigger attitude back then. And I, he says he's a fishnist, but I had a knee-length skirt on, so it's not like I was a hooker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wear a sock just over your peener, but you don't have to wear like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what he should say here? Johnny Pemberton's, did I stutter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kevin, did you have that joke about pornography? You're like, uh, before I watch it, I'm very interested. Can you please tell it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you find them, Christina? My algorithm to only like degenerate, outlier, comet, you know, stuff like that. So I just basically ignore the good stuff and only like the horrifying shit and then my feed becomes pure. And now it's 100% maniac.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit, they were just in a wreck. Yeaah. But I don't understand what that kid's saying, I don't understand what he's saying. Something about X Games? This is like X Games, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just thought it was really interesting. I mean, have you ever seen that before? It was pretty nutty. That chick was just ready to get out, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the, the times to grow podcast, your mom's house. Dan, so what am I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like they're, what they reference to on their podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's normal size. Show me that you like me. You got that beautiful mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. How big a load I'm gonna swallow. Ugh. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kissing you and holding you and caressing you and playing with your titties. Put your balls in my mouth. Put your balls in my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll swallow if I want to. Yeah, I'll swallow if I want to. Put a big hickey on your inner thigh there and make it nice and red. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are terrific. I know you're gonna be good in bed. Come on Mark, don't be stingy. Come on Mark, don't be stingy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you just pee on the floor? Oh boy. Jenna, was this you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bad girl, you know better than that. You pee outside. Did you do this? Come here right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And learn how to do it with what I've tried and different exercises I've done. I'm here to help. So you can buy one for 15 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be good, huh? What if I wanna have sex before I get married?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies, have you ever been with a man who's like super vocal in bed and you're on top and he's like staring at you and is like, oh my god, you're so beautiful. And you're staring at him like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best thing you could do for somebody is make them smile or go down on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be you. You're probably some kind of tree hugging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he can, if we can give him a ride because all of a sudden his car has disappeared. So the guy asked me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't have transportation. I said, no way this guy's coming in our car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he is a champion. He considers himself, and guess what, Tommy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, me gusta tu, me gusta tu. What did you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris Rock is a first level grade comedian. I am better than Chris Rock. Chris Rock is nowhere near as funny as I am. I am the best comedian in the world. Chris Rock


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you're nowhere near my level of comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you come, you come. Let me see, let me see how much you come. Let me, let me see all that come. How, how much, uh, how big a load I'm going to swallow. You know, he could have been doing this. I need it. I need it right now. Wow. Right now. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because I got cut when I was adult. I was in the military and the doctor messed it up. I had a virus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I just pulled the skin forward the way it's normally when it's asleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have no problem swallowing. I'd stop for a minute and I'd put a big speaking on here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one, the one thing, the one thing that I'm gonna tell you is that, uh, the first time it's, it's gonna be quick with me, cause it's been a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't be stingy. Come on. Come on. Don't be stingy. Come on, Mark. Come on. Show me that you like me. Show me that you like me. Come on. Give it to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Girls like me. All the girls find me. All the girls like me cause that's the way I roll. Yo. All the girls like me cause that's the way I roll. All the girls love me cause that's the way I feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The girls love me, and I like all the girls that could-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Homegrown, yeaah, this is an old song. Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, he's so right, he's so right, yo, he's Teddy Bear, yeaah, yeaah, he's Teddy Bear, and this is Homegrown, cause he's Teddy Bear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I don't know, maybe he, it seems like he hit his head pretty hard. I'm just, I mean. I don't know, maybe he'll be, maybe he'll be in another, a different type of video next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, you wanna dye my hair tonight? I said, I don't know how. And he was like, that's fine. Like, we could, we could just figure it out. Alright, screw it. So we did it, and then we had a lot of the mix left over, cause we just, we didn't know how much to get, so we got a ton of the bleach in the mix and all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, when we were done, we had enough left, he was like, he was like, shit man, so I guess you're going blonde next. That was like a joke, and we kinda laughed. And then it was silent, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know anything about it. It was simple. You just, I mean, you mix like two parts of one thing, two parts of another thing. Does it burn? Put it in your hair. It burns a little bit. It's like relaxer. Same thing, but uhm, you leave it in for an hour. Eventually the burn goes away and then you just wash it with cold water. You're natural blonde.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's, uh, it's different. It helps me. Different styles are possible that I didn't realize were possible before, so that's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I identify as a threat, a nightmare, and a goddess, so please bow down to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, wait, wait, wait. Uhm, I just wanted to, cause I know last time, it felt like kinda like weird vibes, and I felt like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you were looking something for me and I didn't know how to give it to you. And so I think I'm ready to give you what you wanted last week. And I wrote, I wrote something for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, it's called Sorry Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. A million times I am sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My cheeks run wet with tears from my eye. My master is upset and I don't know why. Is it something I did? Is it something I said?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Daily shame, embarrassment, self-loathing, and dread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, sorry, sorry, afraid, afraid, afraid. Afraid to be sorry. Sorry to be afraid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wake up to panic. Fear is my breakfast. Then for lunch, I screw up a segment. After some thought, it all becomes clear. I'm a dumb fucking idiot who fucks up all year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I prepped the wrong drops and won't eat out my mom. Those are just two things that I do very wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not your fault that you wish I would die. I'm just an outside dog who keeps shitting inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm all out of words. Nothing else to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except apologize for being an imbecile mouth breathing Jew. I'm sorry Mr. Tom, I'll do better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just trying to be genuine and authentic. Yeaah, I love that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and I'm saying thank you. Cause I was just like walking in every day like, oh, just a normal day. But like, everything's my fault. And I didn't realize that until last week. So I want to say thank you for opening my eyes to that. You're welcome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow, that actually feels really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I'm gonna chase that feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, 552. Oh, okay. And there's gonna be a folder called Stolen Bell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmhm, and that's why we had to blur it because you can't show gore on YouTube. Oh. Mmhm. Is it pretty gory? It's ve- like- That's a lot of red. Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a- he is bleeding. He is bleeding from a hole in his leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't think that fed smoker could provoke someone to the point?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where they stab him with a screwdriver. Good counterpoint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, these are, this is technically blurred. On their standards. They're just really good at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a prosthetic thing, cause there was a video where they like, tried to show what the inside of it was. Almost positive that they're fake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she put some sort of tit cup on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is a really cool guy that Zolo found. Uhm, and it's really, it's really interesting to see someone take the RPC move and kinda like do their own painting with that paint, you know? Right. So he's taking those tools and he's putting it on his own can. I like the description so far. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you start watching the episode and it's just like you berating an employee for the first 15 minutes. Oh yeah, I forgot that. And we forgot about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeah, cause it's so uncharacteristic of you, because people don't associate you with rage. Right. They associate rage with Garth. Right. And you're a target.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take a look at me down this line. You see these guys, right? He's all jazz, amazing physics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are models. They're genetic freaks. They are better than us. And that's why they're here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're fat. You're way too fat to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dream is wrap my dick around my thigh but I wasn't born with any length. You're not a model. No one wants to see you. Why can't I model?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at his apps. Lift your shirt. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that. Perfect symmetry. Lean, muscular build. The kind of body most people dream of having but they never get there. Hence, he is a model. Now lift up yours. My shirt? Lift it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no. Don't stay positive, fat boy. Stay realistic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have about as good a shot at modeling as you do winning a slam dunk contest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so fat, so gross. Get out of here. Go live your life and do something you're better suited for. This isn't it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't have to talk to him like that. Get the heck out of here. Maybe fat boy needs a ride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if it makes sense because he's definitely Russian. Um, cause he is, right? Yeah, definitely. But it seems like he doesn't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they're little pig snouts. Oh, adorable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This program is a continuation of my series on the Denver International Airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is wellmune? It's a naturally sourced beta glucan, glucan, glucan? That's proven to help


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or order online and get 25% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use code mom at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order when you use promo code mom at liquidiv.com. Get better hydration today at liquidiv.com promo code mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Correct, correct. Should I say it out loud again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unless they're on a medicine that it's excreted in the bowel, like lithium. I had a patient once that was involved in corporaphagia and he, uh, little known to the staff was doing so and accumulated so much lithium in his system that he got kidney failure. So that's how it can hurt you, but there's nothing intrinsic in the brown, unless you have a parasite or, but it's already, you've already got it if you've got that stuff. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think that guy was maybe saying something mean to the old guy that was, that was putting him down but he was not trying to help his dude up. Gee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a Nosferatu sounding word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's one of my beautiful queens above 18. Well good morning dear. You look so beautiful today. You on your way to work or on your way to college?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are going to find a king someday, very special man, that's gonna treat you like a queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A mile. So you throw a football, he could throw a javelin, he could throw a baseball, he could throw any implement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can spare us the details. Just bring me a Caesar style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? No, Eileen, please, come on. Don't do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't want to be mean, but your scars are kind of hard to look at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? No, Eileen, please, come on. Don't do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, your relatives around the world can see, when are you going to build a website, uh, to advertise your business, to put up your photographs, uh, to market yourself, cause you must market yourself in this world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all built in there. And uhm, you know what's really great about Squarespace is the templates are so intuitive and so clean. You know when you go on someone's website and it's all jumbled? Not with Squarespace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So trot out squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was calling the city and getting them to work on potholes and complaining about Starbucks long before it had a name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I love your impression of her cause she talks so fast and I've known her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause she worked in the restaurant business for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I understand that men don't care as much sometimes about their appearance, but bruh, you got a whole white baby between your arms. That's a whole white baby right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the crater, the, the, the gunshot wound in between his eyes. This poor man needs medical attention. He's got a hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A band-aid? Even a hero themed one, like a Spider-Man one? You may want to pack the open lesion. Pack it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you cover it for me? That's CVS Pharmacy has that walk-in clinic, the Minute Clinic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I'd say women are very forgiving of people's appearance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if it's the altruism of women necessarily, but I think that the really good looking men out there who know it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a loaded gun. It's like being a hot chick and they can't handle that much power. So they're generally not, in my opinion, as cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, I guess vanity is just unattractive in any gender, sex, I don't know, they don't exist, but you know what I mean. Uhm, but this is wild, like this too is a lack of like self-care, like neglect, you need to go to the doctor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the kind of guy. That's the kind of guy. Cause you don't, I wanna say...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to say that you didn't pass the psych eval to work in law enforcement, like you desperately want to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you look like. Like society won't let you carry a gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good point, Tom. But what if you're so taken with your mom or your dad that you want to marry them? Shouldn't you be allowed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kind of is. It really is. In the long run, it's really as important as sex, but you may not have an active sex life when you marry yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dad, we're married. Marry your dad. God, then you'd have to do his little back scratchies every night and see him in his boxer shorts every night. You'd have to clean out the skids on his boxer shorts. You remember what time he wiped his ass with a comforter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you're gonna have to deal with all of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it feels like such an assault when they just call you. It's like, woah, I didn't, uh, we can agree on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, shi- that's a loud itch. All your scratchies are so loud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'd like to make a formal announcement, uhm. You're Jewish, I know. Well that too. Yea. That's unconfirmed. But, since the beginning of, uh, this Pandy, as Whiskey Ginger says, that's there. The Pandy? Bobby Lee said to you, you know, call it the Pandy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bad friends, yeaah. So ever since the panty began, I've been unable to sleep unassisted. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I basically get drunk or high every night. Now here's an, I'm sorry, drunk. Drunk. Sorry, drunk. And I've switched to getting high now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really enjoy it. The only problem is with me and pot is that it really activates my brain, Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it relaxes me, but then I have such clear visions, you know? Like, I see the world too clearly. It's like, I see the Matrix, um, alcohol shuts my brain off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, alcohol shuts it down, and all my thoughts are like, that's fucking lame, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could be. We could wake up and uh, oh my gosh. Who knows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, because you guys do look alike, there must be some... Like that guy. Like that guy, some attraction. And you are the most attractive of your siblings, arguably, I would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A corgi, I think, represents animal cruelty. Yeah. Cause you're like, I like a dog to be so disproportionate. Like those little legs barely do anything. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like animals to suffer, cause at some point that back is gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm being serious, don't you, when you see someone with a German Shepherd? I do, I do, and unconsciously, I just, I go like, that guy's racist. That guy's racist as fuck. Because they are, they're like, aggressive, now, now, also, pitbull, I go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gangbanger. No, I didn't say Mexican. I said gangbanger or someone who is it, who wants to be tough. You're like, Oh, you're, you're a tough guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing is that those pet owners will say, no, snakey loves me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the snake has a brain the size of my thumbnail and that snake, all that snake knows is like, this guy brings the dead mice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, a guy doing it, you're like, okay, this guy's anti-social, he's got incel proclivities, but a girl? That's super weird, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I think, uh, what about retrievers? Golden retrievers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what about giant snails? I saw a woman on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw this woman who, she has like a big French snail and she's like, I've got to clean it every day. I mean, clean its poo poo k. And you're like, what are you doing with the snail? It's so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of classics, they're people who like vanilla ice cream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. It's like the stereotypical dog. It's like, when you think of a dog, you're like- It's a lassie, right? It's a dog. No, no, lassie's a collie. Oh. I like collies. Collies are kinda dumb, right? Yeah. Are they dumb? No, I think they're great. I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about people with a French bulldog? I feel like those are so 2018, you know? Oh my god, they're so cute. They are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so true. Speaking of uhm, hot topics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't pull, Josh Zolo pulled emails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Megan. So we had, you know, listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Greg. Greg. Greg. Greg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a, is it buffet, buffet? What do you say Zolo? Buffet, buffet? I say buffet. Buffet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that it? There's no more? That's it. That's the clip. I've been following his Instagram account and it's just full of bangers like this. Ah, shit is so funny, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh, I really wish I had seen this video before because it really rounds out who the person is. We just thought he was the guy who liked to get super horny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he's got that nice fold up chair in the back too, the girl could sit down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This poor man. Well, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I don't, I'm so jealous. She sounds perfect. Why don't you go, makes we loved her then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's not the author. Something tells me she's not the author of that letter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You love abusive coaches. That's one of your favorite lines. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like every Eastern blocker parent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, if we have doctors write in, if somebody can assure me, in the medical community listening,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That it would not result in me getting hepatitis or some horrific disease. My hair looks good. Look how full my hair was back then. Excuse me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Groom back there. I'm afraid of licking hair. No, I want it smooth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wax it, and I can have a letter from Dr. Drew,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I cannot get a disease, hepatitis or fecal to oral bacterium,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you know what happens. You're watching your favorite streaming service and you finish binge watching that series and now what? What do you do with your life? You're bored again. Not anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Download Best Veins. You can download it for free on your phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I am hooked. I love it. I play it when my children are running around in the backyard and I'm on level 76 now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm moving on up and I like the colors, I like the characters, I like the sounds are great. I mean it sounds silly but I'm a grown ass mom and I love best fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you should give it a try. It's good cause it's not too hard and it's not like too easy so you're always engaged and they update the game constantly. Download Best Fiends for free today on the Apple App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the R. Best Fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's that the French are not very welcoming of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know her name, she's gorgeous and she's fun. But how do you, so how do you make friends with other French people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the French do have something in that their culture is pretty rad. Like, food's great, Paris is gorgeous, the language is gorgeous, the people are gorgeous. I went into full fantasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I couldn't afford like a baguette and a coke. I remember it's like 20 euro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so insulting. One thing I did love about Defranche is the men are very forthright. They're very aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's so funny. Anyway, I'm not going to get into this, but, uh, so what was he like? Cause I see this, I follow a French TikToker and he makes fun of his French mother and the mother is always like, you know, he's pretending that she's smoking. You should really lose 10 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm drinking champagne again for breakfast, and the smoking, and what the fuck, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, uhm, Hungarians, I know, uhm, my father had a completely disdain for the way Americans dress in public. Oh really? He's like, oh this is so disgusting. Everybody's in fucking blue jeans. Going to court dressed in shorts and blue jeans. Or going to the doctor, not dressed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, how are the Franch so fucking skinny? And you guys have the best-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. My favorite appetizer. Will you Google Nadav calories in the awesome blossom? Oh my god. Oh dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Europeans love their drippings. The Hungarians, you keep my, keep, yes, the duck fat and he would spread it on his toast. Duck fat on everything. Foie gras, foie gras. Why do you say it? How do you say it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my favorite thing to do- Shouldn't have been walking outside. The fuck is wrong with you? Is that I ask Tom from time to time, like, show me you're attracted to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show me you like me. And then you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened to his shirt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, put into good things. He's trying to help the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, Annie, he knows how to- you said that that's actually true? Or whatever part of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Run away, I don't know. You're just like, hey, what's up? You're confrontational.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was one of these people who had the same sheets on my bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, for like 10 years, right? You graduate from college and then you just don't know any better. You don't know how to upgrade your life and live like an adult. And with Brooklyn in Sheets,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I give them as gifts for, for the 30 somethings in our world, because I like to show them like, Hey, this is how you live. Like an adult, you can sleep on nice sheets and they don't have to cost a fortune.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brooklyn was started by Rich and Vicki, who also tried to find beautiful home essentials that didn't cost an arm and a leg. And when they couldn't, they founded Brooklyn and it's the first direct to consumer bedding company. It seriously is luxury level sheets. They have great colors, patterns and materials to fit your needs and tastes. Um, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to brooklinnen.com and use promo code MOM to get 10% off your first order and free shipping. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com and enter promo code MOM for 10% off your first order plus free shipping. brooklinnen.com and use promo code MOM at checkout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally, totally. I wanna complain about, yea, the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. Yea, nice. So and so didn't win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you write a joke? Right. There's just, you have to learn the rules so that you can break the rules. Man, that's the shit. That's the shit. So, but you have to have those foundations and you have to barrel through all that horror of like the three hour sets where no one pays attention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we knew you were a kindred spirit at that moment. Yes. It was, it was go time. Destiny.


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[Assistant] I mean, I just, it's an interesting way to see the world though, no? Cause like when, that's like comedians being like, and I'm going against improv and sketch. And it's like, no, I never could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, what a gem. You'll notice the camera angle is much more flattering here than it is when he's out in the forest.


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[Assistant] So I curate what is known as the dark talks. I don't like the traditional people doing nice things. I find the outliers, the uncelebrated, the marginalized on TikTok. And I showcase, oh, you may. Well, you may.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love how, um, helpful he, yeaah, and just how sweet that is, and like, I just wanna show you guys something cool that I know.


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[Assistant] Oh, here it is. Why wouldn't you know the name you'd ask?


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[Assistant] She's great, she's always like, hello my darlings, I'm just taking a walk in the snow, hello my darlings.


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[Assistant] I also find it interesting that somebody is like, huh, I'm a Libra. This song's for me. Yeah. I was born in November.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so this guy used to be a big Trump supporter and then I don't know what happened. He had a severe change of heart. Now all his talks are dedicated to F Trump and like he's anti Trump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this lady does hand work and this can help you with your back pain. Oh, isn't that just nice. She does all kinds of hand and breath work to help with different ailments. So, this one's for back pain. Does your back feel better?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fun, right? That's amazing. Good vibes. You know why I bummed you guys out last time on my TikTok? So I decided to bring in good vibes. These are good vibes. Okay, but- Good vibes, Hux.


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[Assistant] He could say it's page, page ski maybe, you know? I get it. That's why I go by Christina P. It's like, fuck the list. I'm over it, bros. For everyone's sake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a double rainbow, now that I've seen that. That could have been the second rainbow, so I'm not sure. There's a long history of- Is there science in there that I'm not knowing? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does have a point though, like there are those Disney adults who don't have children who go to Disney every year on those yearly paths. You ever have like a neighbor who's like just 100% Disney all day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best part was like, we would refer to them as pixie dusted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you support Trump? Yep. Okay.


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[Assistant] I think I've seen one or two things. It's not my- I'm not into it.


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[Assistant] Thank you. But the principles that I follow are not my principles, they're just the dog principles. Dog principles. You know what I mean? I just decoded it for Americans in the beginning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I grew up, uh, uh, my grandfather always said never work against mother nature. Always gain their trust, always gain their respect, and they're gonna give you a beautiful gift called loyalty. So we come from a poor, you know, background, low income background.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a gift, you know, you always want a gift. And that was, that's how he actually made, made me believe that I have to gain the trust. I have to gain the respect, you know, and, and, and how do I do it? Well, you have to stay calm and you have to understand that the way they learn is no-size-ears.


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[Assistant] So most people follow a formula, but it's backwards. Most people do affection first.


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[Assistant] Dogs in third world country are skinny, but they don't have psychological problems. Dogs in America are chunky and I get to have a TV show. Wow.


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[Assistant] Well all animals know they have to work for food and water, shelter and family. So there's no one animal on earth that doesn't know he has to job, have to work.


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[Assistant] So when a dog comes and live in America, that dog spends 23 hours behind walls. So he's on quarantine way before COVID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. So, so when he goes for a walk,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, most American dogs, they, they do like a 15 to 20 minute walk and then they have to go back home. And so, so they don't, they're not really, the, the humans don't understand that a walk is, is, is him working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have to see it this way. It's five body motions that that dog has to do. He wakes up and he stretches every single dog. As soon as they wake up, they stretch. The next thing is they need to walk and run. So why would they do that? Because that's how they find food and water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After that, they practice rest. And then that's when they play and explore. And after that, they practice sleep. Stretch, walk, run, rest, sleep. See, those are five body motions. So that stretch we call a yoga. Walk and run, we go to a gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then rest, we call it meditation. And sleep, people use pills. Right.


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[Assistant] You see it? But if you do it right, if you drain the body, the mind, the heart every day, the body automatically goes into a sleeping mode.


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[Assistant] And that's what, that's the most important of all, because that's when you heal, that's when you regenerate, uh, brand new energy.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? If you want to talk to the universe, that's when you talk to the universe.


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[Assistant] You see it? So it's the connection to everything is at that moment. But if you are, if you have pent up energy from a day before, and then you're not really connecting.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? And the dog knows that even when you go to sleep, you still stressed out.


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[Assistant] So that, so why dogs need leashes in America? Because the humans are not in tune to themselves. That's why they can't, they can't create calm, confident, love, joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so the most important energy is calmness. America is confident, not calm.


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[Assistant] So the hardest thing for me to teach my clients is not the dog. It's to help Americans to calm down without drugs, alcohol, or anything.


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[Assistant] And to starve themself to death, you know what I mean? To lose weight.


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[Assistant] You know, so remember the book Eat, Pray, Love? Yeah. Okay, so she left New York.


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[Assistant] And you're a kid, right? What's gonna influence you? Okay, so what's gonna influence your energy? So three things that are gonna influence your energy.


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[Assistant] Your home. So if you don't feel safe, peace and love, that's going to alter your energy. Right.


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[Assistant] So if your parents are not calm, confident, love and joy, that's going to alter your energy.


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[Assistant] If your parents are not doing exercise, discipline, affection as a family, that's going to alter your energy. So those three things is going to make you develop the wrong energy. Even if you can go to harbor, you can still be unstable. We're the only species that follow unstable leaders.


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[Assistant] Only species on the planet that follow instability. Yeah. You see it? That means we were unstable for a long time in order for us to search or look for that energy. So we're looking for our, for the same energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. You see what I'm saying? But because they picture it as a money, fame, and power, when I'm gonna do better because I'm telling you that I'm gonna create more money, more fame, more power to our country, then you look for that. Some people are not seeking for calm, confident, love, and joy because you didn't have that from the beginning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I say, put yourself as a child. Right. Because you're absorbing energy. Yeah. Yes. You know, you don't know anything else. And you as a kid, you will only choose calm, confident love and joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You as a kid will only choose safe, peace and love. You as a kid will only choose exercise, mental stimulation and affection. You as a child. Right. You as a child want to fulfill your instincts, your heart and your spirit. That's naturally. Nobody has to tell you that. It's like the equivalent of breathing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody has to tell you to breathe, you fill in a pee, nobody has to tell you, you just do that naturally. Right.


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[Assistant] But if they don't nurture it, then you never master it.


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[Assistant] So you should master by the age of 10, calm, confident, love and joy. Master it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exercise, discipline and affection. Master it. You're about to enter. You know, trust, respect and love. You should master it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love the candle you have because that's exactly what the candles say. Calm the fuck down.