[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he's a team owner and he looks like, like I said, like he won a scratch off and was like, dude, I got these sunglasses. I'm ballin' now. Uhm, he just looks, he looks out of his mind. He, uh, he drives a minivan still, like a, like a 93 caravan. Sure. Has a flip phone, you know, like, probably there's some aspect of him that's like, oh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, you know, I didn't earn being a team owner. I think he's probably...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm insecure about that. That's my own theory, but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the hair's definitely really bad, man. There's no question about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the blood doesn't heal no more, it just runs. Yea, I know. You guys stay inside, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got real crazy in his older days, uh, Al Davis. Did he? Yeaah, and he used to like, he was an owner and coach at one point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then he would, you know, he was the guy that always, he would draft players based on measurables. In other words,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they ran really fast in the, in the 40-yard dash timing and they jumped really high, it'd be like, he'd be like, draft them. And they were like, well, we think this guy's a better player. That guy's fast. Draft him. So they would just draft these like really impressive guys that are on, on, and if you look at the numbers on the measurables, but then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would be, you know, not as good of players and he would also...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They said he would call down to the box, like he'd be watching the game in the owner's suite and be like, throw the bomb. Like, just go deep. And they're like, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta have a really, a little more sophisticated, uh, offense now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and remove them, distance themselves from the reality that the NFL is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so that's, the NFL is like, what in Vegas? It's like, yeah, dude, they're going to Vegas and you have no problem with it because gambling is what keeps this business alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thrives on the fact that people gamble every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tens of millions, hundreds of millions if not billions and billions of dollars. Fantasy football is all about gambling, it's all about money, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their sport is tied into money and they're like, we would never want it to be in Las Vegas. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also like the gangster team. All gangsters. It's gangbangers who love the Raiders. They love the Raiders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was black and white was always a, uh, you know, that was the colors adopted by, you know, if you were like, I'm a gangster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wear black and white, so you can wear Oakland Raiders, you can wear Chicago White Socks, because that's black and white, that's what those, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That bloods do, I guess Crips do it too. So if you're a blood, you don't, when you write, you don't use the letter C. Cause that's considered the, uh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they'll use like the letter X, you know, K, huh? Or B. Or B, yea yea. They'll call it Compton, they call it Compton. Right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How loyal are you, man? How loyal are you to this nonsense?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to do an outing like that with a buddy, you know? Go somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I'm not a big booze bag. So uhm, you know, I think if it's like easy light beer, it kind of goes down. Uh, we're talking over the course of a day. I don't know, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is different though, because with this thing, we're talking about, if I'm trying to do that, you approach it differently than casual vacation. Because vacation, you might drink a few and be like, oh, you know, I'm fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I could set up something where uhm, you know, I announce a location.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, a date, and we try to get people there, and we all try to drink as many beers as we can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you don't have a high tolerance. I've never seen you really go for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, my, my thing usually is like once a year I overdo it with liquor drinks, you know? Liquor drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes vodka soda is like my, I'm out drink, right? Cause it's easy, goes down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you just realize, oh, I just drank half a gallon of vodka. Yeah. Yeah. So the beer is way easier because.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Much lower alcohol content. So I don't know man, I should try that, I should try that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we really were trying to go for it and we're doing, I mean, just pick like, let's say his favorite beer is Heineken. Heineken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of like sickle cell with weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smoke an entire joint, entire joint of like, you know, the good California medical shit. That's done. Light up another one and then he'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I only like it in socially I like it in very small doses. I think it all comes down to tolerance. You just have a low tolerance. Oh yeah, I've always been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if I'm with people, I want a little bit. If I'm alone, I can do a little more, but then I spend a lot of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you actually have the record, but in my heart, you're the longest yeah boy ever. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the restaurant? Yea, do you like the western bacon cheeseburger? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ruth's Chris steakhouse, but I would like to name our son Tom's Ruth's Chris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember explaining it to you, cause you were like, where the fuck are we eating?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, it's Ruth's Chris. And you're like, what do you mean Ruth's Chris? And so the best way to explain to people that don't know about this steakhouse, picture it this way. It's Chris Steakhouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ruth bought it and she wants people to know it's Ruth's Chris Steakhouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but if we name our son, Tom's Ruth's Chris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. That'd be pretty cool. And then, if they're like, what's up with that dumb fucking name? You'd be like, my husband loves steak. Like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't we just leave it, Chris? I bet you this is like a divorce thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Chris was the husband's Chris Stakehouse and she's like, it's mine now fucker. And then she's like, it's Ruth's Chris Stakehouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joe. Joe. Yeah, it's like Joey restaurant. Yeah, Joey Italian restaurant. Not Joey's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over four decades ago, Ruth Ferdle, a divorced mother of two,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you wanna hear Ruth's recipe for life? Sure. Insist on making a toast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tennis waffles. Yeah. Yeah, she was arrested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember because Ryan and I were doing this pitch and look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They wrote it, I had to write it as a regular article. Jerry's Waffles Tennis. That's her name. There's also Crystal Methany.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's a, that's somebody that changed their name to that. You know, obviously, to like, for attention. But I think she might have been named Cherry's Waffles Tennis. Yeah. Pretty great. Silly. Cherry's Waffles Tennis, get in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So raspberries, steaks, what's our favorite sport?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty good. Ruth's, Chris's. Carl Jr., sit down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for our friends abroad across the pond, this is how dumb we can be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, NASCAR, Driver, let's see. Yea, Earnhardt Jr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the people that were covered in bees grabbed this hose, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's probably, in America, it's probably the last pocket of nonsensical, you don't see like, uh, I mean, in LA, you know, it's a Jewish city, so you don't really see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you hear it, you're like, what are you talking about? But I think deep, deep southern, really biblical places are probably the last products of like, well, is he a Jew? Jesus Christ, yeaah. Probably because it's like one of those things where they're never around it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, uhm, here we go. Where is it? Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Retired. He shouldn't be working on teeth. I think it's pretty advanced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, dearest mommies, I used to cringe or fast forward when you did dental updates. I knew I'd been neglecting my chompers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had no dental insurance and frankly, I was poor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had begun to smile less because I knew my teefers were looking less than awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But a tiny smile for all the fucking pictures that will be taken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was five days before my wedding. What if there are issues?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The nice lady took note of the nuptials and when they got a cancellation she called me. I had my appointment today and wanted to email my mommies and let them know the results.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They all wanted to help. We have a plan for the future. I will forever be a patient at this office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will not stop smiling and looking at my sparkly teeth. Good for you. I'm going to feel great about myself the day I marry the man of my dreams and it'll show in my smile. You guys push me to do this. I thank you. Always going to floss from now on. I promised Kate the hygienist. Thanks Eric. Very nice. Congratulations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, right, right, right. I know, I know. You always take my stories and make them yours, but uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was another thing, oh you did this too, you did it, you did the other, you did it the other day. What'd I do? You took something that happened to me and you're like, oh it happened to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would burp, and you'd go, Jesus, why are you burping? You're like, that's so... I don't understand if you're burping him, why you have to burp. And then you go, hey, you know what? Every time I burp, Alice, I have to burp. And I go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't, you know, I know that you lie, but the thing is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no. Somebody told you that. It wasn't me that told you. Okay. Yeah, I remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh by the way, uhm, talking about the poo pile, there's a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] RedBand tells you guys he has a new game for you. His game is to see how long it can go before flushing the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mommy Tina is not on board, but the water champion mentions he already did something like this in college and it was called Poopile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tyler, thank you for your message and you will be receiving a prize. Anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your blood was thick and coagulated. She said I can't find a vein because you're so fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so here's a listener who I believe says they broke their dick, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mommy's having been there. Excited cowgirl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, up road too high, quickly slam down. Oof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Each, one on each side of the main vein that pipes the swimmers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The blood flowed internally creating a big dark purple hog sausage and emergency surgery pronto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus, as an aside, having happened in San Francisco back in college, going to SF General Emergency means you're in a teaching hospital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, similar to Rodman's third break, they hauled so many fucking doctor innards through to see the, uh, anomaly of a broken dick. It became a field trip of, so here we have something you probably won't see again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] showcase of my dick with a catheter in it inside of a plastic tower of protection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awkward to absurd to nonchalant to local legend in the inner circle of friends. Get well cards from grandparents who are a little awkward also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Robin was like, m'nick broke, m'nick broke, m'nick broke, like three times. I mean, from him, I actually, now that I think about it, I think I kind of believe it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. You know, losers. You fucking loser. Yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I called him by the way right after that call, cause remember when I go like how many people you kill?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feel badly about that, or put you on the spot about that. I said, you've talked about it publicly before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, to me. So weird. Kill the enemy, like, that's what I like to hear, you're a great fucking marine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so funny too. You ever think about the fact that your dad vacations where my dad was in war?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told him on that call, you know, Christina's dad just got back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, uhm, I'm thinking about getting you a gift and maybe taking you there. Like we can go for Tommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Long time, long time. I brought up to him...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit, well, there's a certain age for all those things. So like, I would hear, shit, dammit. But, you know, shit was like as far as it went in the house. And my mom even went, chat. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was probably like that, you know, actually that was like, that was them forever. My mom never said anything worse than shit. My dad...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I thought that was just like such a crazy thing to say the F word. Right. And I asked, I go, did you ever say the F word?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like nine years old, and I still remember him going, one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember it clearly, and I was like, it must have been really bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I go, can, I go, yea, you just like really hide it. And he goes, I know it's a regular part of my fucking vocabulary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the whole thing is, you know how you don't see your parents as people for a long time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then over time I realized, like, this dude's a total savage, you know? And I mean, he's the best guy, but he's a savage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where we would pick up a sixer, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's different now, now you're like, oh okay, it's like, it's endearing now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, no no. My dad is a conformist. He is old school. Through and through. Yeaah, he likes people to follow the rules, cut your hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe put on a different shirt. He would like, he's never really critical, he's not a critical dad, but he would just look at me and be like, you can't wear jeans, you can't wear jeans to this. I'm like, alright, uh, pun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how he wants you to look, you know. I used to have scruff, not a beard, but a scruff. You're looking kind of scruffy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't own t-shirts. Maybe he owns like, working out t-shirt, but not like, I'm gonna wear a t-shirt to just go to the mall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's only worn tennis shoes, you know, like I said, to work out, or if you, or if like you go see me, like a long walking day, he might wear some then, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he'd wear khaki shorts in the, in the heat. If it's hot. Yeaah. Yeaah. But pretty much...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably a, let's say a polo. Right, I've seen them on a cruise. There's a collar, yeaah, for sure. God. Probably some neat, higher socks, you know. High socks, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he did never have hair. I mean, he had hair...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had the last remnants of it when he was getting married, so I don't remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to always get mad when I was in high school and even college that he was clearly bald. You know, he had the horseshoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But all these hairs on top, and I go, why don't you just clean that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I think it looks better. Like if you're, you just clean the top, and he's like, no, I don't do that. And I used to always be like, dude, it'll look, Tommy! I like it. I was like, okay. And he called him his survivors. You know? Because it's like a hundred hairs. You go, just clean that up, it'll look, and now I think he does it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 25 years to go along with that plan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The flip side is your dad shows up in like tracksuits and shit, you know, with like orange tinted shades.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, I know. Take this shit off of the poor dog. Leave my dog alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's yelling at this guy on a train. I love that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for listening, yourmomshousepodcast.com, uh, TomSegura.com, ThousandRanch.com, of course, patreon.com, slash mom, patreon.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's $15.99 for a 30 day subscription. Hell no. And you know, you get to see the pictures, videos, and all that good stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good lord. Those special recording videos, they make good money because you can charge them a set rate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes them look, makes the illusion of me be even more enormous than I am. I like it too though. I like to hear the sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything's going wrong today. So annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. We'll see. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From a young age, Kyle realised the pinups which were exciting his friends weren't catching his eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing work on the show. Uhm, so thanks as always to all the very talented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple weeks later, you can come see the God in Urine, California at the improv, also known as Irvine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spermvine. Zany's Comedy Club in Gashville, Tennessee in June.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, November 18th, the Troc in Philly. Tickets are on sale. Everything I listed is at TomSegura.com slash shows. A bunch of cities will be added. I have them booked, they're just not on sale yet. So, look forward to it. Jeans, what do you got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well alright, go to uh, thousandranch.com for a link to those tickets, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, jeans. Let's start the show, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, cause why? I'm, I'm confused.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you see what I'm trying to do? I'm just trying to set it up and it starts playing. I'm just trying to like place it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, at first, actually, I didn't know if you were in the closet or not, and then I was like, oh, she's not in there. I didn't hear any noise, so I was like, oh, there's no one in the room. I'll crank one out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. But I was, I was actually like, oh, what if she'll, cause I thought you might've been walking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think it's normal for a man to be nude around 10 and 11 year olds? And then, and then you go put on some clothes and he's like why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Top dog? It's gonna masturbate, of course, but not like... That's like a very common bonding thing for most...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you know, we actually have another person in the room, uh, did, did you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think, but probably way before certain super conservative families, you know? Like I had sips of stuff young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but I was allowed to drink, have a drink in the house with dinner, uh, probably by the time I was in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Americans is real good. Uhm, it's really something to find a show you can buy into that's really well done. Yeah, I'm really into it. Highly recommend. Obviously a lot of people have watched it. This is the new way I think of watching shows. It's no longer about watching a show as it airs all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be, you know, really high quality. Cause it's so competitive, it shows they're so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Americans, I'm, we're nine episodes in, first season, season one. I think there's five seasons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The premise, so people understand, is Russian spies that are living here, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So well layered the show is, you know, with, with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to a semester of school in Madrid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would want to, I have a fantasy of buying a modest home and then doing the major reno. I thought that would be fun. Seriously? Yea, I thought it would be fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is LA is so crazy for a housing market that you know you gotta do, you have to do something out of the, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you, but I think the way to do it would be like, let's say you, it's like they did on that show. You're in the house that you're renting, right? You rent a place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the thing is in most parts of the country, you could do that without millions and millions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There literally are parts in here, we just saw online this, uh, house that was for sale, and then the ad for the house was, tear this down and build a house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're saying spend 2.3 to not live there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's a great property. Then spend your money on top of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just so people know, nothing will change about this show. It will come out the same way it came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different toilet, man. So all we're doing is extra added bonus content, added access,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] June 1st, and we've already done our first Patreon bonus episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Patreon! You make a small donation, it's like a monthly contribution.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, there's going to be even things that people can get, can win, right? Or no, they'll, they'll, not win, but you can get an art piece of art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the art club, and you get a piece of art that I create.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you haven't seen my, what I'm capable of, if you go on my Instagram, you can see one of my original works. Uhm, so there'll be stuff like that. It's gonna be great. We're excited about it. Hey, by the way, you know, uhm, you're well known for your art teacher jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, what it brought us also to our attention, you are obviously known for your art teacher jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the show. Now, it's gonna surprise you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It actually like, it's upsetting, cause you know how emotional I'm going to get about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a lot of things you go like, I've always wanted a nice jacket, a nice leather jacket. Never bought one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was the most expensive jacket I've ever bought. And that was fifty five zero percent off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just can't fucking figure it out. I know that those- it just bothers me that it's gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My strength told me, she goes, well think of, you know, your jacket like Jack at Karma, like you were saying, that uhm, somebody just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, I mean, it's a fine fantasy I can live with that I don't see it. I go, but if I saw somebody wearing my jacket...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually had a fantasy that somebody tried to alter the jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good question. I'm feeling hungry. So, I guess Tracy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I am planning my exercise, so that's kind of more of a Tawanda thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what do you think of this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, are we really going to have this conversation that you're comparing Tamar to Toni Braxton?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well okay, maybe. She's very popular. She's very popular, I'll give you that. But by far the most, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grammy award winning, the real deal from the Braxton Klan is Toni, and the rumor is that she and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And nobody, like nobody would suspect that Tony would be into super thug right here, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone's saying here that did Tony just confirm Birdman is her man? I don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very strange. A 48 year old has been spending time with Birdman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were sealed off. I guess they did a song years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's just, I would never think that, uh, that those two would be a couple. Especially when you watch that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see how she is? Like, you don't see her. But you know, maybe he's like one of those guys who, uh, you know, like every thug has a soft heart, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know, he just does all this, you know, shit talking, uh, when he has a lot of people around or the cameras and, but at home he's a, he's a real sweet bird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, but I mean, you can't compare Bobby Brown. Bobby Brown was just, you know, the guy that was drinking and smoking and showing up late and that, that kind of, he's not like a thug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy has, you know, will come in with eight dudes and kick your fucking door down and shit might go down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, real quick, we got this email here I want to read.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Hitler, uh, I recently saw Tom's performance in Jack Me Off Phil. It was even better than I expected and shout out to Pat House, who was fucking hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am a huge fan of the Mommy Podcast and it's the only thing that keeps me sane when I'm staring at paperwork every work day. At the show I was sitting in the front row and at one point Tom pointed at me and asked me how my year was going. I replied that I was wearing them high and tight but he didn't seem to want to bring up the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are awesome. I will always be looking forward to seeing your act. My question is, how do you feel about the crowd yelling out only things true mommies would know about? P.S. I'd be honored if you brought this up. Uh, P.S. I'm also Polly and bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always appreciate our fans that listen to the show, that come to shows. Uh, people yell stuff out, it's fine. What I, only thing I always try to like, I think most people understand this, is that when you go to a stand-up show,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, Hitler, and uh, you got my pussy talking to me. All these things from the podcast and uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's just, it's only weird if somebody expects that the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fine to be excited, I just, that's my point, is that the stand up is just about, it's not about the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean somebody did, I remember, I don't remember this guy's interaction. I remember like a month ago I was somewhere and this guy goes, uh, crazy locs. And I go, what? And he's like, crazy locs. And I go, what about him? And he goes, what about him? And I go, what do you, what do you want me to do right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I have to put it in context for everybody. You want me to do the whole, for them to understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have to really spend 10 minutes just giving the idea of who that is to support explaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's because people that listen to this show, when you say something like that, context is there. You don't have to. That's why a live podcast where you're talking about podcast stuff is going to be much easier to navigate, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a bi poly bear. That's it. You nailed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, mommies, listening to this week's podcast, feeling inspired, why stop with giving just torsity better names? The real mommies need upgraded monikers. Tom Segura could be Cum Shipura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it must have been something that just came up. I didn't realize that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, oy vey, this antisemitic shut it down. Six gazillion. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, if you, I guess if you talk to them, they do believe that, that it's like, yeaah, they're like, it's a few thousand people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what they think. They think that, you know, yea, you film, like, more is bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy stole a car in the UK.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And didn't know that the car that he stole had a dash cam that was not just recording video


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it kind of made me think, I mean, this is sort of a perfect opportunity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Japanese master of accents. Okay. Doing our accents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the food chain of this company, they don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course! And then they go, but Shenzhen is, he's here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who speaks awesome Japanese that should speak English?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh. These pieces of shit just get better and better, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised that Seagal signed up for a movie where he doesn't play the central.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You notice that Sagal doesn't take any hits on that? No. So there's no stakes to the fight. That's such a good point. A great fight scene has a back and forth to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no one kicks his, like, if you watch his old stuff, there was more, like, the original stuff, Out for Justice, it was back and forth, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a little confused. I'll play the fat sunset. I've been talking to you a lot about this, which like, you know, we think is one of those things where if, uh, if you talk about it a lot, you should do something about it. And so here's a little


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they go on to explore this, and the truth is that they said they really don't know, right? We don't know. There's different theories in this video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One is that uhm, you know, we're not evolutionarily perfect, so there's certain things on us that uhm, we...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also sharing the scent if I go, oh, you want to smell what I smell like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of the theories. Well, people have been commenting back and forth to me about what I'm going to do moving forward. People were telling me to trim it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're going to chafe, you're also going to feel the sweat more because like hair prevents you, you know, wicks away sweat. Wicks away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man, it's a, it's an interesting conundrum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black's on. Alright, uhm, what else you got? Anything? Oh, we're gonna do that? You haven't pulled up or no? You haven't pulled up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let me see what I got here for ya. Do do do do boop boop boop boo. Gotta keep it official.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a micropenis. It's fine. Yeaah. I mean that one is, to me it's easy, it's like dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather pick up Baby James' BMs in a little plastic bag for the rest of his life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate when somebody's would-you-rather looks like this. You open would-you-rather email and it's like, dude, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now it smells. Smells like pizza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really interesting. I think that the smell is enough of a deterrent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I would take the psychological trauma because I know it'll end in a God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And see, those are at least funny stories. There's one that tells me, I know, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I know. I'm trying to, uhm, it's a good, it is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna take, uh, I'm gonna take his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you like some love and affection? Yeah. Or to be, or to actually think about committing suicide and killing yourself? I think, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's him, and it looks like he's at a restaurant or a diner or something, right? Is that where he's at? What does it look like to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he's sitting at a table and he's got hot dogs and Gatorade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, Jeff Tate. Please go on iTunes or Amazon and get the album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's called Again. He's, he's, he will not disappoint you, I promise. He's one of the funniest dudes, great storyteller, uh, just a hard working...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather violently shit your pants in public once a year or subtly in private daily?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? It's like the guy that wears a fucking fedora everywhere. That's part of the outfit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once a year you know it's going to be a fucking party. You're going to have a great story. Guess what happened today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to accept the Congressional Medal of Honor, and as the President put it around my neck, I shit my pants. Why? Because I play Would You Rather!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crooked Cuts. It's called Song for Mommies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also have a Charged Into The Game podcast. My football podcast is back. I did last week an episode with Michael Ruse, former Tennessee Titan, for 10 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can email him yourmomsblueband at gmail.com. That's a direct email to him. If you want to email the show, it's yourmomspodcast at gmail.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the way it was set up. Uhm, uh, don't forget our, our son Patreon is going to be June 1st. We're launching the new Patreon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my one-nighter tour is almost complete. I have two more dates. October 23rd in Indianapolis. Morty's Comedy Club. October 24th, Cincinnati. Alright, go bananas! You know I'm gonna try to replicate the Cincinnati fart. I'm gonna be eating a lot of high, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how we roll in the cigarette home today. It's been chaos this morning. December 9th and 10th, uh, DC improv in Washington, uh, DC, District of Columbia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's it for now guys, that's it. Tommy, what do you got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cops and com, com, cops, comedic, cops, com club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need some better names, we gotta come up with Louisville and Raleigh. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh, what a crazy year this is- this has been. It's almost over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Life goes fast. Speaking of that, uh, listen to That's Deep Bro. That's how I talk on my other show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get to hear us talk about behind the scenes stuff. We go down memory lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally. I wish we could change our URL to .cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your coffee tastes like, uhm, a dirty ashtray. It tastes like cigarettes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tastes like assholes. I don't know how you're drinking it. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I say something? I've felt this way since I was 12. When I heard Top 40 music, I was like, this is the dumbest shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that was her whole persona and that doesn't offend you. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All those songs are about finger, grab my pussy basically. It's Donald Trump. Donald Trump song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was forced to listen to Top 40 music on my drive to the Dallas airport, and I actually disagree with her. Can I finish my thought?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually think that Top 40 music has become deeper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's wet our pussies and finger our buttholes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now it's like, they have to talk about feelings, they talk about sadness, you know, there's a little more nuance to Top 40. I discovered this when I was forced to listen to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Cause I mean, you guys do locker room talk, I'm sure you and your bros.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's such a vulgar, it's too much, it's too, it's almost, it is kind of a violent idea. It's aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So apparently there's even more that NBC is withholding. They're not releasing. There's even more of him saying crazy stuff and there's petitions. I just signed one to have it released to pressure NBC to release him being even creepier. Cause I really get a kick out of these. I think they're super fun. Super funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because what's he supposed to say? Is Billy Bush supposed to be like, you know what sir, I don't think we should degrade women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's normal. That's a normal locker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, which is fine, but the best part is that Hot Chick comes to greet them as part of like the show, I guess they're taping The Apprentice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you see them, it's kinda grody cause he's saying all that stuff and then, and then him and Billy are like, why don't you give him a kiss? Yeah, hug him, give him a hug, give him a kiss. Like they just perved out on her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Human being. Right, if it's organic. If someone shows interest, you go for it. Yeaah. Kinda like our courtship. I was never like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well there are guys that are just sharks, right? They just go for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but I can smell those douchebags a mile away cause it's a thousand compliments, right? Like, Oh girl, girl, you got me. You got me girl. You so cute. You got me going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's usually, you know, the brothers would step to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? In the clubs. Yeah. This is when I'm in my twenties or early, you know, late teens, twenties in the, I now haven't been in night clubs since I was 20. Yeah. 26.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I could hear a 19 year old saying this stuff and I'd be like, well dude, they're retarded. They'll learn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like this rap music. I could get into rap if it was like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As if those things have never existed in society and you have absolutely zero responsibility to tell your kids, like, hey, this is entertainment. You know, like, think of the children. How dare you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you can fuck your boyfriend to all this cool music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, oh, I'm so sneaky. So do you get paid in tacos to do the show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome! Oh my god, we have to see this. I have to see this. I almost didn't want to come with you today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, kind of, yeaah. Dude, this is like the only show worth doing. Fuck The Tonight Show, fuck Conan. This is where it's at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uh, I got this in Dallas from a couple of mommies, Katie and Trevor, thank you. Uh, you can't see it, but it's, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says main mommy water champion, and it's, what's the word, where they engrave it? It's engraved on here, so thank you Katie and Trevor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I really appreciate this guys. I had a great time in Dallas and in Houston and in Portland and to come on ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it a man or a woman in a bodysuit? And then guess the objects.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are we talking about that ran at a cum? We watched your TV last night and you're like, oh, he's mad cause he ran. Bill Clinton. Where's the cum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are both noting that Bill looks so, you know, he's aged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how old he is. I think, I think it's more startling because we're used to the younger Spry Bill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not. It's not. He looks very sunken. Like his face looks real...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he can't do a lot of fucking. And he's out of cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we've been doing that a lot in front of our son Ellis Belching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Can you even handle it that that's the future president? Possibly. Possibly. It's so retarded. President, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, America. Grab America by the pussy. Yeah. Make America grab it by the pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do we get here as a society? You know, uhm, I'm so bummed that we don't have cable right now just because I wanted to watch Fox News and I'm curious to see how they are spinning this into a positive. Like, well, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can turn a negative into a positive and in his case make it sexually appealing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and I got a fanny pack from him and I was opposed to it for years and I really, really enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause when I take baby jeans out in public, you've got a diaper bag, a baby, I don't have, where do I put my stupid purse?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was cramming my pockets full of my phone, my money, and women's clothing, there's no pockets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, I was forced kind of in a way to use it and I, I'm a huge fan. I'm a huge advocate now of the fanny pack. It's for real moms only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. And that was a late show Friday. Thursday. Thursday. Wow. Alcohol tends to play a role in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone got punched out in my showroom in Tacoma. It's Tacoma on your comedy club. I don't know if I talked about it on this show, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's some prison shit, you know? Could be. Well, it's really neat. Um, I had really good time in Dallas and Pouston and Seattle, um, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who give a shit so little that you're like, wow, I, I kind of almost, uhm, admire your level of not giving a fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see if I can find it, you know, I switched uh, phones. Oh shoot, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I was using the phone. I had no phone this last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucked up my phone and I didn't have a SIM card in it. And uhm, so I had no way of making phone calls as I was traveling through Dallas and Houston. And for me, that's, that's annoying. There's no public phones anymore. Do you know that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in the airport they ripped out all the public phones so you can't even really make a public phone call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I text this person employee in Dallas. I was like, uhm, hey, I can only communicate if I'm on wireless. I don't have a phone. Can you just meet me in baggage claim? And then we can go to the hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is normal and I think not an odd request. And he writes, yeaah, he writes back, okay. And then a few minutes later he goes, you know, I really, I don't want to pay to park.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you, can you just stand outside and then I'll just drive around? And I was like, uhm, I'll pay for parking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and uhm, like really you're that fucking lazy as a human being. Like, motherfucker, you can't park and walk 20 steps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was here on time, why aren't you fucking here on time? It's not a huge request. So then this person, uhm, when they shut up, I was like, he gave me grief for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, well, normally I just drive around a bunch and the person stands out there. I'm like, I didn't, I'm sorry, I didn't want to do that. Like, uh, and then the car ride was silence and then the car ride to the airport the next morning was total silent. He wouldn't even talk to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really made me, uh, sad. And then the next day, that's when I listened to Top 40 music. He was, uh, listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four dollars. He took my four fucking dollars. I'm like, wow bro, you gotta be kidding me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you don't give a shit about anything, huh? You know when people just don't give a fuck about their lives?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you not give a fuck about your life that much? I can tell. If you don't care about this, you don't care about a lot of stuff, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it should, cause it is. You wouldn't pick up your friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a, in a thing, not only like a work person. It's a work relationship, that's the thing. If you worked in an office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I've shown up, I've flown across the country, like fully east coast, showed up at like 10pm at night, and the next morning have to do 5am press. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what would probably not make him so fat is if he spent some time in India.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. It's kind of old school, white and black. Like we don't do a lot of white, white and black. It's good. It looks good with that design though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It never ends and I was so, I had my phone in my hand and I was just walking into a building and the phone rang and it was like the good fortune and I was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm so stoked she's back though, cause I feel like I was worried that there was a lull in our relationship, and now she's back again, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need somebody who speaks Farsi to come in here maybe, and do you think we should call her one day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And talk to her and be like, what's your deal? You know what I mean? Like to, to wrap this up or.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, her and I've been getting, I still get calls for Shanaz. There's a lot of nursing opportunities in Florida that she's been missing out on for the last year since I've had this phone number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but then, Adis, I, I stopped getting calls for, for Adis, cause he left rehab early, and they were looking for him, but- It kinda makes me wanna get a new number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're lucky, I mean, I feel like this number, it's a real blessing in the skies and it was like once a lifetime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. She can still maintain her sex appeal. Good morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I, did you see nosy rosy? Oh can you, if it's too hard to pull out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I loved, there's a few things Instagram knows I like. I like goth stuff. And then I like tiny dogs. So I get a lot of, you know, they recommend people's feeds to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I found one under tiny dogs that really, really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I think it's him. A peepee stuck in butter. Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm Carla all day. Now I think that's a Singaporean accent because chinchin's... Singapore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says he's in Singapore, because I of course immediately went to every post this guy's ever done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always entered when we had sliding doors in, in Redondo jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would always enter on the front. You mean to tell me you would enter in the back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never. I would always go in, it's so funny now that I think about how stupid it is, I would always go in and then go, ah fuck, fuck, and then like inch, like, move my body around the hot water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for 40 years of my life or whatever, I've been doing it dumb. And I've been just burning myself and then like walking around the stream to get to the back of the shower. Never too late, never too late to change. Wow, that's so stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like when you discovered the fah-yeh fahs yogurt that you can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like it. Well listen, you're forgetting one important aspect of that, is that the guy is asking for that thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so it's, she's not just doing it, eh, he wants that, and you're just meeting somebody's very sick needs. So what's wrong with that? What's more beautiful than shaming your bed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a hundred dollar ring. It's not that crazy, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've fed him this shit this morning. It actually, like here's the thing. It's not bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, let's see what's in this, is that, so I feed Bitsy and Feef every morning, obviously, and Bitsy's food smells like just, uh, dirty feet and trash. Like, it's kibble. It's disgusting. But every time I open Feef's food, I'm like, this isn't terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's grody, like I know that the shit in it is gross, but the gravy kinda, it's not bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not bad, it's not terrible. Okay, so let's see, this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Modified starch, wheat flour, potato starch, pork plasma. What's pork plasma?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mag, Magnesulfate, Potassium, Vitamins, E.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Supplement. Okay, so this isn't bad. L, Y, Z, I take, I take all the stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about if I, do I have to eat a piece of meat or can I just taste the gravy? How about I just taste, taste the gravy? Is that enough?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's kinda what I'm curious. The meat looks like tofu. It doesn't even look like real...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meat, but the gravy, it does smell delicious, I have to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean not right now, not after hearing that. Ugh, I'll eat like a peanut or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I have to eat a lot more before we can tell if my shit will smell like a dog shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just tasted like, uh, Vietnamese food. Like, um, gravy. The gravy's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the hard food, I wouldn't eat the kibble. The kibble's nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, I keep my word. You think I'm gonna chimp out on a fuckin' handshake deal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's why I wanted to wait until we moved to the new neighborhood before I start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not just wait and then go for a checkup? What if they are like, uhm, have you been eating? You've got canine teeth now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't use them, cause I have veneers and caps, they pop right off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They must have been pretty bad, the gums. If you need grafts, maybe they need to be, oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I know. Do you have something you want to tell me? Yeah. Is that why you're bringing that up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. I would definitely go for the skin on my own mouth than a cadaver, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I mean yeaah. It's gotta be hard to tell someone that for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. Very Zen approach. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know dude. You have maggots in you right now. Does that feel weird? I know. I didn't like that. Like all the other stuff that he said didn't bother me until I heard the maggots and then now I'm trying not to think about it that I just ate dog food with maggots in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you, when, uh, we got the panel of retard tests for Ellis when I was pregnant, they wanted to charge us thousands of dollars. And I called the company and I go, we don't have that money. They go, can you pay 300?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sure. So, it's all negotiable, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe that's why their shit smells so bad, cause it's all maggots and rotten stuff that they eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? He's like, I just grab their pussies and I just take it. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Tom was like, hey man, I really am sorry, like I didn't mean for it to get this big. And then I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 235, that's what I shot my special at was 235. Okay. And, but shirtless, and oddly enough, still very overweight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this was a while ago. We went out to- every time we went out to eat, he just- I murder booze, he murders food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These dope beats, man. I love when you guys send, you know, your songs, your instrumentals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all great for the show. Thank you very much. Welcome to your mom's house. We are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Video, recording this again. A lot of you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Discovered the video for the first time last week. We're very excited to have video now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you wear a shirt that's too big for you, you look even fatter. That shirt was way too big. This is a shirt that fits, still fat, but not quite as fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, next week I'll be in Fartnik's Harryzona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so please get your tickets now. Uhm, to come on me, Washington, Tacoma Comedy Club. Good work. March 10th through March 12th, there's already a sold out show, and that's in, that's a month from now. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Punchline Comedy Club in Sack in Your Mouth Sacramento. Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 17th and through the 19th of March and then Cleveland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedy Club, and Spokane, and Sperm Can Washington. Uh, there are more cities and dates coming through, through the rest of the year really. So as those come, I'll announce them. Jeans? Anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it's, it's huge. Uhm, I should also say, all my tickets, if you haven't figured it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tickets to my live shows, TomSagura.com. So don't forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a party. You weren't there. Oh yea, you weren't there. I had a great party. It was awesome. Everybody was having a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, that sucks. My Facebook's been verified for like a year. Maybe more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want you to realize how much it must suck to not have a verified Facebook account.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that's a while away. Instagram, huh? I see the Instagram check marks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, thank you to all our sponsors, keeping our show alive and going, keeping Blue Band seated right here, cameras rolling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, she has a lot of videos that she makes and just puts up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's, that's a Vietnamese accent. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that fan used to do that too. Not really a stretch for him, but he used to do it really well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Angela, uh, actually perfected an accent that's not native to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, ching chong, yeah, that's a nice way to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, she goes like this with her own eyes, and she goes, I might look a little jing chong, jing chong, but I will fuck, don't get it twisted, I'll fuck your ass, I'ma hood as shit. That's what she says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said she pulls her already Asian eyes. So she's Asian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she- she does this with her eyes. And she says, I might look a little-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eclipse. Actually, they're not even Asian. She's Asian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she, uh, she makes a lot of videos. Where she actually, she seems like she is hood as shit. I don't know where she's from, but she acts like she's down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like yeaah, she's like a Hey Hitler vibe to her. Uhm, she, she actually, you know, she's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said people are making fun of her for making crazy videos, like you're a bad mother, you're saying the most wild shit. Right, right. But you hoes are out there sucking dicks for free. Okay. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're fucking going home and kissing your kids without even brushing your teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I mean it's really cool for the audio quality to sip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how she does it. Alright, uhm, you wanna feel me? You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a half ounce. But that's in a proper interview.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot to get into. Yeah, the video, by the way, we put up the video of it. And, uh, we had a profile shot going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're trying this now just to uhm, really to get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, feedback from the viewers. So this is going to be a different angle. You can tell us in the comments what you think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. That's not normal at all. What happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shave his legs and stuff, yea. I shave his legs and his chest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you feel like, what do you feel like when, uh, when your dad was spitting game yesterday?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he was spitting game yesterday. Like plans, you know, world takeovers kind of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like he's, you know, makes you feel more comfortable that he's getting sturdier. And he's like, but also as a man you want your butt to be big. And I go, yeah. And he goes, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was about to have his first kid and they knew it was a boy. He was like, I'm just excited, you know, go to baseball games, watch him play baseball. And I think one of the other guys, Casey or somebody goes, uh, what if he doesn't like baseball? And it like, you can see it hit him in the head. Like he was like, I didn't think about that. He's like, well, what if he likes, what if he likes soccer? He goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's terrible. Yeah, he was, he was sold on that, like, I'm not going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, swimming I could watch. Cause it's a race. So a race I can, a race is always exciting. Uh, if he sucks at swimming, that would suck. Like if he was like always last, I'd be like SWIM!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no. I think when it's your kid, you don't really care. I mean, I would go watch him do anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't do anything wrong, kid. Whatever you wanna do, we support you. Oh wow. Did not say that. I actually meant to hit that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I gotta tell people this real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God blesses you, but also to anybody that bought the, uh, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, anybody that got the Kane shirt, uhm, I've gotten a number of messages, we've tried to respond to everybody. It was a pre-sale. And in a pre-sale, you know, you sell it up to a point and then they ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, there's been a delay, and for people who didn't know, I apologize, and here's what we're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm not telling you what it is, it's just gonna come in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but everybody, everybody that ordered one will get a free extra item.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people didn't know it was a pre-sale even though it says it on the order form.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, additionally, next week we should have a new...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, shirt and it will not be a pre-sale. It'll be in a shipping, a ship immediately order. Uhm, so hopefully we'll be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ready to announce it next week. I'm not even announcing it until those are in stock. It won't be a pre-sale. But I'm just letting you know now if you got it, you're getting an extra free item.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To make up for any delay. I just wanted to point that out. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is pubic hair. For Valentine's Day. I didn't want to tell anybody, but it's pubic hair. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was uhm, one guy was like, please if you, if you also if you sell a show, please play a bear in the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We would love for you to come do this private event for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause she did the, uh, that's the YouTube safe version. Yeaah, I like that one better. And then on 60 plus minutes, it's much more hardcore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well back to Hitler. Uhm, when Hey Hitler,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like we just get, sometimes it's just like a drop. We don't really look into it. We're just like, this is pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We played that, and then people were saying, I think you guys are not hearing this correctly, she's saying hey Heather, or hey Hiller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We go, okay, that's, it's debatable, right? So, then last week, uhm, another audio clip came to our attention, right? Blue Band pulls it, sends it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, people are saying that's Nicholas, other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people were like, no, no, no, it's, it's, you know, there's a debate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what didn't occur to us until a few days ago was well, let's look into these videos a little more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The videos on her page, this is a girl named Dani.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, she has countless videos. I really don't know how many. I don't know if there's a way to tell. When you get to her, maybe there is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see how many videos does she have? Can you tell when you just hit this? I don't know. Danny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't really, I can't tell. Does the grid tell you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're paging through it. I go, wow, she's put up a ton of stuff. What's one of the first videos I see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so we know that the angel's a problem, we talked about that before. A few videos later, the video is titled, Asking for Hitler's Help Number Two. Sure. So, it's a second time. That's so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even in the afterlife, he must have some power. They're probably evil powers, and maybe that's why she's, she's, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she refers to people that watch these videos and like her as daniacs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is called, here's a video here called warning about a lesbian video. I don't know what this is about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no. Alright, I'm gonna turn that off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so I guess, isn't Lewis Tomlinson, that's the guy from One Direction, is that right? I don't know, I'm not a fan. Because she has a lot of, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, is an English pop star? Yea, member of the group One Direction. Uhm, she has a lot of videos to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has some Harry Styles, who I believe is another One Direction guy. That's really crazy. Hitler. Uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then she says, this is a video called telling Louis Thomas that I'm pregnant again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you go through these, and then it says, singing happy birthday to, and in the title of the video,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no debate. Uhm, it's not a very nice title. I think even for your daniacs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I don't know, man. I don't know. There's, there's so many videos. There's so many videos. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's even one where she says something to Sophia Smith and she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sophia Smith is bad, and then sh- and then the next video is called Eating Sophia Smith's Pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what about Maginal? Why are you leaving that out altogether?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Finding the click. Touch my click. My click. Just lick that motherfucker right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For her to think that Simon Cowell is going to get that, it's almost, it's almost less likely that Simon Cowell will help you than Hitler will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you should start with maybe like a mayor. Sure, like a local dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. And there's one here, it's a 9 second video, it says, turning Justin Bieber back into a male.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is feeling very Shane Lee-ish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the beeps and the boops. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We solved the Hitler-Nicholas debate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a lot of times advertisers have asked, they go, how do you feel about uhm, a pre-produced


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, advertisement. In other words, we just give you a file and you play it. And my feeling has always been, no, I think, I think speaking directly to the audience with products that we actually, you know, use and endorse always works better. There's more of a connection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's this one ad that came in where it was pitched to us and I said, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it'll still work for our audience, even though it's not us reading the copy, it's made and then we play it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so this is the first time I'm playing it here on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, obviously if you guys don't like it, you know, I'll tell them and we'll read the copy. But I just thought, let's give it a whirl. So here's our mid show, uhm, ad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think we got the verdict. Uh, this is an ad we can play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the show. I think you like it, I like it, I mean hopefully the audience likes it. I feel good about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what's going next, but do you want to play the thing that I brought in? Yeah, what's, okay, so do you want to set this up? Because I don't really know, like tell them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This I legitimately, I've never heard. You just said, play this. I said, what am I playing? You go, oh, I'll just, just play it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you that what I actually painted was my second option?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well first of all I should tell you this, the way that I drew that painting, it's the way that I draw you too, with the bulging eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first option that I was going to do, and I only had second thoughts, I was like, eh, I don't know if they'll hang it up here. I was just going to draw a big cock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't, by the way, I don't hear mental illness like you like to bring up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so nice to hear somebody else say it. I mean, that's what I've been trying to get out with my artwork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and also I'd like to have a gallery person assess it for value.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw, by the way, that Shauna recognized, like real recognized real art talent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really spectacular. It's so much better than yours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so just so he knows now, since he listens to this show, I am 36 and someone is having a big birthday this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's talk about the birthday that's coming up for you this year. I won't be able to see this birthday for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then plus how many? Are you excited for it? No. It's a big one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the decline starts, yeah. Yeah, that's true. But you can have a really good run. For 10 years? No, I think for about 20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well I don't think you'll get married again. I think you're just gonna have more Puerto Ricans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't see myself marrying again. Too much. Too horrible, right? Yea, why would I want to marry again? I don't want to marry. No, seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'd probably go through like my intense, uhm, you know, intense like slut phase. Yea, more like normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll have like a silk shirt with a big like fire pattern on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like for some reason talking about it makes me feel like it's real. I feel so sad right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not the divorce part. Well, no, cause the houseboat feels like a divorce. Yeaah, it's terrible. It's like, I got all my stuff here now. It's so just not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yea, it rocks sometimes, cause it's a boat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you very much Mark. Uhm, I actually really did enjoy that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Yeaah. But I want it to really thin out, like really, really go bald first, and then do like, do do do do do, like stabs in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been in clubs where you see, you know, or at the bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a good lesson for people, uhm, also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I probably, it's probably not like today, today it's much bigger. No, it's a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, it's like when we watch porn, nothing makes me angrier than a limp dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get it hard before the scene! You've expressed this before. I saw one of those like Showtime behind the scenes pornos and that's what the director got basically mad at the guy for. He's like, dude, I want you to pull it out ready to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they gave them time alone. They're like, go get it ready. And the guy couldn't do it, so they killed the scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a good, I think it's a good second career. I think so too. It's not a good one in the early.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in your 20s, but good for your 50s and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, that is, it's also uhm, you know what the hook could be? That it's a self-funded


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In other words, someone's not going to hire me, but maybe I produce them myself. Get a site, put it out there. Hey, I'm 55.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm recently divorced. I'm doing these pornos now. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you could, uhm. The good news is your parents will be dead, so no one. They'll be dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our son will be in his sexual primes, would be a good example for him. And then, uhm, it also, could also, what? Fund, send more people to my stand-up shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you should... I think an unsolicited dick pic's not good, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want, well, how would, I mean, how would the person send you just, like, you mean like, from above?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm still surprised that you don't think the unsolicited dick pic is a great thing to point, like nobody wants that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is the point she made, and you're like, I dunno, unsolicited's gotta be the worst I imagine. If you're a guy, don't send a girl just a dick pic thinking that it's gonna be exciting to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm saying is, when you send an unsolicited one, you're really not just rolling the dice, you're, you know, you're at the risk of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not the same as guys also looking at naked women. Vagis, I assume, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pull a can of soda next to your dick. Right. So some reference. Scale. Scale, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's in a few. Experience. Yeah, I'm on the road a lot. So, let's see here. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this came in. You know, you know about this guy, right? Martin... is it Shrekly? Shrelkly? What was his name? Martin... Shkreli. Uh, this is the guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He became really well known, I don't know, six, nine months ago when he says, uh, when he, his, the company that he was the CEO of bought this patent on a pharmaceutical drug that helps like AIDS patients. And it was selling for something like $12, $13 a pill, something like maybe $7 a pill. And he raised it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's kind of, yea, kind of the biggest POS. Then, not too long ago...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A company that he used to work for, a hedge fund for like a Ponzi scheme there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So everybody was celebrating. Apparently there's a new thing here where he, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looks like he says, a friend of Kanye robbed him of 15 million dollars. I don't know how that happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keeping his name in the headlines, uh, there's a new, you know, Kanya out called The Life of Pablo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He made a 15 million dollar opera for exclusive ownership of the album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he put 450 million on the album only to be duped by a Bitcoin thief by the name of Daekwon or Daekwon. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's writing, who the fuck has my 15 million dollars? Uh, someone named... So anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's saying that, you know, all this shit. Now he also, in addition to this, had a beef going with, uh, Ghostface because he's the guy. Do you remember that a few, like a year or so ago, Wu Tang,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Decided to release an album that they would only make one copy of and it had like some crazy, you know, uh, cabinet chest made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was one copy and then the person who bid on it would own that copy and they could do as they pleased with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this piece of shit, he's also tweeted some bullshit to Ghostface. Uhm, cause Ghost said something about him, so he called him a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I dunno, call him some type of asshole. He said, ghost is mad that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That Shaolin outsold his last five albums. Dude's a non-profit rap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rapper. Basically saying he doesn't sell records anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Ghostface Killer, right? I don't know if you remember, not too long, over the summer actually, uhm, uh, Action Bronson talked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Made a kind of a slight dig at Ghostface. And Ghost put out a video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where he just eviscerated this guy for a full fucking, I don't know, 10 minutes. Uhm, he just talked mad shit and he's like, you got a big ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ghostface made a new video, this one is over 11 minutes long, where he's talking shit to this super villain, P.O.S. Martin Shreckley, whatever. Uhm, so here's some stuff, some stuff from that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does, he is built like a, like a young man. Uh, Martin, the POS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course not. You know what I mean? Cause he did a video of him like with, with his, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aka his goons, like his bodyguards with him. Talking about like he has...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has the same kind of street cred that you might have, or like, if you fuck with me you're gonna get like, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He brought in like his mother and a couple other women in masks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ghostface, by the way, has a new product that I would like to give it an unsolicited and unpaid endorsement. It's Woogoo. It's for your vape pen, smoke weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he put out a commercial. Woo goo. That's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is it? Is this it? He had a commercial for it that I saw somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, oh yeah, he said like, if you, I'll just play it if it plays here. This is uhm, his new product.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the best and he's absolutely in the conversation for greatest emcees. Anybody who doesn't know, just doesn't fucking know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy that this kid's gonna talk shit to him on his, on his skill level. It's fucking bananas. Uhm, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Pretty Tony album, uh, which he got Fish Scales, um, well, he's got, uh, the album him and, and Raekwon did together. I think he, they did that together, right? Uh, Cuban links, isn't that them together? I mean, it's, it's considered a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A Rayquan album. One of them he did with him. Yeaah. It's that one. He did it with him. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, dude, he's unbelievable on, on all of the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, woo albums too. He's got incredible, his incredible skills. I mean, even RZA, who produced everybody's shit, he said multiple times that Ghost is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the best, best rapper. He's a, he's, he thinks he's one of the best of all time. Look, here's his album. Oh yea, Iron Man, Supreme Clientel, Pretty Tony, Fish Scale, More Fish, uhm, collaboration albums.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, we're always looking for champions in the, you know what I'm saying? You feel what I'm talking about? Uhm, yeaah. And I gotta play this real quick before I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta get to this meeting, so I gotta get going man. I got some meeting to go to. Uhm, we gotta roll. Thank you guys for watching the show. Thanks Jeans. Thank you for listening. Please go to yourmomshousepodcast.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll leave you with these jeans, uh, ghost crew, you know what I'm saying. Alright, bye guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey everybody, welcome back to CW Iowa Live Morning Show. I'm James Peterson. Back on my side, here in front of the weather wall with duct tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's the technical problem. The technical problem. So it is a good idea to bring out the duct tape. Yes, you could, you could duct tape over them and we'll just get back to that. I might have blue, uh, gaffers tape. Here's your future tracker. This was fun. Our future tracker. I got to do the... I'm gonna put, I'm gonna let you play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my second time around here and surprisingly I have an experience


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your lordship, you have no more cum in your balls. May I leave now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rule number two. Make sure your shit is hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make sure your dick pic is memorable. Girls get 10 dick pics a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I played like 50 hours of Mountain Blade 2 Bannerlord and I was like, this game needs drone strikes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it. I'm also joined by Ralph, uh, aka Skill Up. How are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, yeaah. I'll get to that eventually. Just throw it on the pile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With Andy Robinson, good old Andy from, uh, he's editor in chief of VGC Video Games Chronicle. Uh, great website, get great scoops. I read them every day. I think we all do. Uh, we had a lot of really good things with him. Uh, he has a lot of really good insight about, uh, basically everything in news lately with, uh, Xbox announcing their


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's a lot to, uh, dive into with rapid news, uh, in terms of the console stuff going on. So I think Xbox is probably the good place to start. Am I right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the horse's mouth and, uh, Ralph, I want to start with you. Just first reaction. Does it, did it come off to you like, oh, business as usual, but a couple of tweaks or do you think there's a little more to it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think with before it being an official thing or anything being said, people were expecting, I mean, even our conversation last week was a lot more big picture focused, uh, where I watched this and I tried to just watch it as like, I mean, I guess I am like a normie and I watched it and afterwards I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way they speak and then the way, like the way the event went down and then the way Phil Spencer spoke in the verge and stuff, it kind of, I kind of felt in the similar place that I've been with when they acquired X, when they acquired Y and we were in those conversations like, Oh, is this going to stay exclusive? Is that going to say exclusive? People would joke and be like, of course they bought it, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've had those conversations because of the way they speak and the way they kind of have a very careful way of wording things. I just kind of felt like that was, that was the, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Normal standard thing here that we've had before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, uh, Sony's had, uh, had a lot of headlines, uh, talking about PlayStation, things that came out of, I believe their earnings call, uh, with the biggest phrase being that the PS5 is entering the later stage of its life cycle. Lucy, what's your takeaway on that? There's definitely a little more to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well do you think that's maybe part of the reason why it's standing out? Is there some argument to be made that some of the PS5, and we're talking about its releases and stuff,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still kind of in the shadow of the PS4. I mean the way I look at it is like the heavy hitters right now on PlayStation 5 is a Spider-Man sequel, a God of War sequel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The mainstream appeal, so it's almost like the PS5 is still catching up and then weird little things come out like Helldivers and people are like, holy shit, this is that new sound we're looking for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things are definitely changing. Uh, I think at least there's some hope with what you guys are saying with some talent being out there and sometimes we are getting the better games from the smaller models.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but just to move on and briefly also talk about Nintendo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, what's their deal? So it seemed like from headlines, it was, you know, possibly a holiday 2024 thing for the Switch 2. Uh, now sources are saying that the Nintendo Switch 2 will launch in 2025. So is that something that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was originally the plan altogether or do you know, do you guys think maybe this is a reaction, uh, to just the climate, the industry, uh, the economics of the world right now? Where does it land?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's also how, how do they approach and how do they change it up? How do they implement it for a family and the living room? Because that's always the part that's hard to predict.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, at the very least, uh, at least we ended with a switch with something to look forward to, so there is some hope. I think we did a good job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, with that, I think that's a good place to cut this off because we could talk forever. Andy, thank you for your insight, man. I would love to have you back. Thanks for having me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] AG1 really kind of helps round that out and the supporting good gut health is always good for me because again, like you said, I'm kind of sedentary, sometimes I don't eat the best, so kind of helping that ecosystem goes a long way and with this, it's easy, it's a scoop in water, you shake it up, you stir it in the morning and you're good to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No more shady data trades or surprises. Uh, now here's a deal for our users. You head to incognito.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Throw in the code friends per second, one word, and snag an exclusive 60% off. That's a big deal. So it's time to reclaim your online space with incogni. That's incogni.com. Use the code friends per second and big thanks to incogni for sponsoring this podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, now since that conversation, uh, some stuff has actually been officially announced, confirmed that we got a Nintendo Direct. I think that was one of the more interesting things. You guys have any takeaways from that before we jump into bigger stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in terms of uh, hey haven't seen that one or didn't think we would see that one again, uh, for me it was Epic Mickey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's something I've never actually, I follow the development of it so closely. It was just like a big game industry thing when it came out. But I never actually really completely played it. So now that they're dropping this kind of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm happy that more people are going to play that because that was one of my favorite games from last year. It was on my list. That and, uh, Pentament. What's cool is that I've seen on the Pentament videos that I've made and stuff, uh, seeing an influx of new people watching the videos to check it out now that it's available on more platforms and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but along with that, we also just got like an announcement of, or a reveal of Elden Ring DLC, Shadow of the Urn Tree, or shadows. How many shadows are under the tree?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Miyazaki didn't say, or somebody from From Software said that they compared it to like the same or bigger than Limgrave. So like, okay, cool. A lot of bosses and stuff too.