[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Changed it to job because you're taking it out of context there. What's your name anyways?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see these wires? You just got your job there, buddy. It's baby raping on your face clothes, okay? Ta-ta there, retard. You didn't follow Proto, buddy. You're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's getting to the point where they're trying to make YouTube a safe space for kids. Okay. So what they're doing is trying to make sure, because a lot of advertisers, they pull out if kids, you know, uh, uh, they pull out if they're like, oh, kids are being taken advantage of, or they're being marketed to, which, you know, you can't really do that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, YouTube is now trying to please their advertisers by making YouTube a safe space for kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, there's loopholes, there's exceptions to the rules, um, but now, I mean, this episode will be coming out, uh, so that this isn't really news at this point, but within the last 24 hours,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YouTube just unveiled that they're banning malicious insults.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, towards people's, uh, race, gender and sexual orientation. Which is, I don't know if you guys know this, the majority of the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it's, like, it's, I mean, I get it, you know, let's, you know, protect the children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, talking about any kind of fetish. Talking about any type of sexual encounter. Why can't you talk about a fetish?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's all sex stuff and you know, the kids might see it and it might awaken something in them. They're too young of an age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like a way lamer version of the show. Like a, like it's for cable access TV where you need to bleep every word, take out any sex scenes and all that. I thought we did a really good job with blurring everything that we show, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we cut out at the exact frame so that you do not see any donk. But, you know, I guess it's not enough. Even just talking about fucking a McRib.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even talking about fucking any kind of food, that's a fetish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, sorry, uh, if, if, uh, if you're a parent watching with your kid, please put on earmuffs or mute it or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think you could say that he got it from an AIDS patient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuuuck that. That's dumb, don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well who'd we decide on? Who'd you say you were? Who'd you say you were? Uh, I just shot from the hip. First thing I thought was uh, Sissy from Fremont.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy. I mean, like, uh, uh, I didn't see, like, my back was to her. So all of a sudden, the second the curtain goes up, I just feel someone yank my jacket off. I'm like, who the fuck is doing that? I thought she was tied up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and then like 30 seconds later, you know, the coat, or even less than that, like 10 seconds later, the coat's on her under the ropes. I have no idea how they did it. Yeah. But they did yell at me to keep smiling and clapping whenever they do stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah. I guess I'm not a smiley person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I was looking at the rope. I was making sure that she was still tied up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or user content. And everything. And you know what? I can do what, whatever I want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her shirt had to be reordered three times last week. What? Yeah, it was re-socked three times. So, thank you, she's gonna appreciate it. And we'll get into some merch craziness for this week in a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyhow, it's great to be here with you, Jean. We have a really crazy show lined up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to just get going right away? Yea. Yea? Always. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like a back yard. Yeah, it's like one of those, you know, traveling, wrestling. Uh, this is obviously like, you know, the minor leagues. Um, but he's, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, A, me and this guy look alike. B, we have a similar style, both in our dress and in our comedy. So, I'm a big fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, he has bigger bones. Yeaah. Yeaah. He's a bigger bone guy. He's burnt sized, he's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, I mean a lot of times I'll, you know, I'll think about the smell of my own face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Particularly after a meal. It's weird. It's like, it doesn't matter what you eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can have a burger, you can have a salad, you can have ice cream, you can have a carrot, and for some reason, your face will always smell like balls, no matter what you eat. You're like, why is my, I can smell my own face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to wash your face after anything you eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, unless you just, you know, you're like, fuck it, I'll just, but like you can go like this and you're like, oh man, like you smell, like what the fuck is that? It's because hair will collect a smell. Yeah. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like fabric. It's like, you know what I mean? It's like absorbing things. So, but then again, if your beanie is just on and you're, you know, you think about it, beanie, you know, you wear it more, more likely in the cold, but still you can, you're gonna sweat in it. And if you're not like cleaning it often, that's gonna, that's gonna rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Josh weighed in, he said beanies for sure. He has beanies and a beard. He wears beanies all the time. And he said that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He thinks that, yeaah, he thinks head for sure. I mean, I feel like it's debatable, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How often do you, cause you're bringing home these fucking barflies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever, cause do you ever go like, um, smell a pillowcase? Cause I think it leads, it lends itself to the beanie argument cause you sleep on that for like a week, 10 days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's sweat, there's oils, snot, earwax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. What's the oldest you pissed yourself in bed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, uh, you know, I, whatever, I stopped peeing the bed, the, whatever age, you know, four or five, whatever it was, and then never had an occurrence, and then once when I was 17. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I pissed the bet and I was like, I woke up and I was like, what the fuck? And I remembered that I was having a dream swimming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've had that too. It's so weird, man. I was so embarrassed, because I was 17, uh, that I just flipped the mattress over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, slippers really make me insane when you're at the airport or even just anywhere in public and you're like, you're wearing your fucking slip, like your house slip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well those that became, that's actually like transitional, right? Cause like they made them so that like they're for the house or out because they're Gucci or something. But like I see like the, the actual clearly home slippers and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're walking, and then you're gonna go back to your house, and use these as your house slippers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aren't they ultra thin? Your, your home sweatpants, pajama pants?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? And you sleep in that? Yeah. Okay. I was gonna say, I've had some thin sleepwear, uhm, pants, but like you can definitely see like the outline of the veins. Like, they're so thin. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. And you wore that, and then what kind of shirt you wore? A PJ shirt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 50 and you're like, yeah, we're my flip flops. I think you're kind of out of your mind a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's disgusting. It is disgusting when people board flights with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not sanitary, it's gross to everybody else. I mean, are you a fucking foot model? Definitely not. Then it's like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grooming on a flight? That's gross. Yea. I've seen people clip their nails on flights. Of course. That's insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yea, brushing, I mean, I get it if you're like, I gotta fix something, but if you're like, I'm just doing my brushing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said I have similar, I have intrusive thoughts too. Right. And then they, uh, you know, sometimes they go further than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, just like, you know, like I'll be in a store and there'll be like a sales lady helping me and I'll be like, oh, you know, what if I, uh, just went up and elbowed her in the mouth right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have an impulse, I have, I never have an impulse to hit a dog. I have an impulse to, to run people over, and uhm, and then sometimes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something ridiculous? Yes, I thought that too. Thought about it on a, you know, on a flight in a place where tension is building. What if I just did this right now? Yeah, screaming, or peeing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nooo. I thought about, like, what if you screamed racial slurs? Yeah. You know, like, in a crowded flight. Hurry up!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just, yeah, like the thing, like what if somebody did it? What if that guy says it, you know? And then you go like, oh yeah, no, no, no. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've thought about like, um, you're waiting for that subway and you see the person and you're like, I could definitely shove them right now. Or the other thing is I'll see somebody and I'll be like, what if they fall? Or if there's a couple of people, I'll have that thing in my head like, what if that guy shows that guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really intense violent thoughts when, like, uh, when somebody, you know, I feel like disrespects me or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, when they fucking, they're coming by with, uh, you know, you hear them asking for breakfast. What do you want for breakfast? Two options. And then they get to you and they're like, you go, I'll have the one. And they're like, oh, we're out of that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I'm saying, look, we all have bad day, but like you ever, you get really, uh, slighted by somebody customer service wise, you know, like somebody in the air, air travels horrific, right? So like sometimes it can be good. Sometimes it's not, but like you have gate agents or, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what they've gone through that day, but it's like, you know, let's just say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, you know, you just feel like, okay, and, and when they hold the power, like they're the, you know, you're renting a car. So it's like, you have to work with this person and they're being a dick to you. It's like, okay. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, why don't you give me your ID so that I'll fucking know where you live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I wanted to take the bag and just fucking bash him over the head with it. But what I did was I took his bag out and I threw it in the aisle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did not! I did, and I threw it into coach. And he didn't know. You threw it in the eye? Yea, I threw it in the eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I had a bunch of bullshit at the hotel, you know what I mean? So when he did it and I saw him, you could tell he was a cocky fuck. Cause he's trying to make it so that when he disembarks, his bag's in the front. Yeah, that's a trick. So I just took it and I fucking threw it into the eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I think a flight attendant saw and she was like, okay. So she, uh, she picked it up and she put it in an overhead back there. But anyways, that was pretty aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was on a flight where they went back to the gate to remove a, a passenger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a woman who told the flight attendant, like, just worry about what you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we went back to the gate and, and like, you should have seen this lady getting fucking removed. It was wild. With her kids and her husband. We're gonna sue you. We're gonna sue everybody here. And I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was so happy, I was like ear to ear smiling watching it. It was really fun to watch. I was sitting in the front, so I got to hear the flight attendant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've done double fist pounds on a counter before, like at a restaurant, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's actually, you know why I feel comfortable telling the story now? Because it's a few years removed. I'm much less angry now than I was. Sure, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't know, I had a fucking rebuttal video to Bart Kristlers, um, Barf Kristal did a dance video. I ripped it apart, if you don't remember, a long, a while ago, and uhm, I ended up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just dropping my response video a few days ago, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was pretty wild, yeaah. If you wanna watch it with the, uhm, with the music, it's on my personal YouTube page. So just go on YouTube and search Tom Segura and, uh, it's Missy Elliott's Throw It Back. And this was my response to, uh, to Burt releasing his video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go on our YouTube channel, on your mom's house podcast YouTube channel. Look at this week's, uh, two bears, one cave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I, I held onto this. Like I was gonna release it a few weeks earlier. Then I, you know, I was on the road, I was shooting my special and I go, let's just hold it until when back and I'm with Bert and I can play it for the first time ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I got to show him this here for the first time and his reaction, it'll be one of the best memories of my life. Like watching that with him is one of the best things I've ever experienced and it was so fun and we also


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can watch the video on my, on my YouTube page. You can watch Burt watch it with me on, on Two Bears, One Cave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then yesterday we dropped the behind the scenes. So I show you the whole thing of how this was made. Like from working with the director to the choreographers, the money issue, by the way. So here's the thing. I addressed this in the behind the scenes. I should have spent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a ridiculous deal to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you think about in those terms, if you're like, you got this for under a quarter million.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is all, you know, Rami's directing and he works with these two amazing choreographers, Lindsay and Craig. They're here in LA. You could take dance lessons from them, you could take group lessons one on ones, but they also are choreographers for Nicki Minaj, Usher. They do like big time, huge pop stars. So,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets the idea too, he's like, you should have, you know, backup dancers. And we had this whole back and forth debate about, well, if you have backup dancers, you know, will it take away from just, cause it's supposed to be you battling Burt. But eventually he just convinced me that it just looks awesome to have, you know what I mean? He's like, it looks cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when I get the routine down, this is like, the first time I have a, uh, uh, I dance with them, it's two and a half hours with, with just Lindsay and Craig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next time it's like two hours, the next time I dance with them for an hour and then they bring in the background dancers and then I'll dance with them after that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, alright, so I have some downtime, cause they gotta learn what I've been working on. 10 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and then he's like, he's like, not only do they now know it, but I can have them move while doing it. So instead of like just, hey, do it here, he's like, why don't you guys, like in the middle, he's like, how about you three glide this way and do it, and then you three go this way. So when you see that, like, he's like, they can just do that without even thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we finished that rehearsal where we all danced together and we have like five or three days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, it really is their whole vocation, that's what they do. So for them it was like, he was, it was funny cause I would watch him go, we're gonna do this, this, and like just immediately they're all just doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We would use all violent terms, by the way. What's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, they were like, they were so about violence. Like they were like, on this thing, just pretend like you're drowning someone. On this thing, stab, then shoot, then stab them again. I was like, you guys are speaking my language right now. This is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty cool. I mean, they, you know, they, he came up with a great dance and also obviously the production level that he gave me was just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I feel like this is like a love letter to me though. And I go, it is. I go, I would only do this to somebody who I actually deeply love and care about, you know? Like to spend this much time and energy making a thing just for him. Cause I was like, I don't care if no one else sees this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, I need VIP experience at Bauhaus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cable bottle service. I did. Backstage palette, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're underpants for your hands. And as the box indicates, you can use them for all these different things. Supermodels, construction workers, you can use them for cooking, for cruising the elderly and for night blogging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, otherwise your hands are so sweaty, you can't touch anything. Now I'm like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite thing is that my, my sisters, particularly my younger sisters, like so brand conscious, uh, conscious, brand conscious, and she, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She will, you know, be like, hey, you know, I'm, uh, I don't know, for like Christmas or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, I thought I sent you, you did, but I saw this, I was like, this is way better. And then the next thing will be like an eyebrow trimmer. What the fuck is this? Like, it's Christmas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With your brown ass? Take off, loser. Ah! Think you're important?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was, he said it like somebody was saying like, hey, what are you doing over there? Like, why aren't you coming over here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forgot a couple things to promote before I forget. One, we have a special gift on Thanksgiving on my YouTube channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Thanksgiving! We're giving, uh, this thing we've been working on, where I spent time with old people, like the old people in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're going to put this video out on my YouTube channel on Thanksgiving. So go there please, uh, subscribe if you want to, just get it automatically. But I had a great time making this with these wonderful, oldest fuck people. And uhm, this is what we were going to say earlier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, the SuWu and the TikTok shirts are up there. So if you were in Austin, uhm, you may have noticed or maybe you realized afterwards that I had special shirts made for the Austin shows, where I'm like wearing the Austin gear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to get any of that merch, Black Friday, uh, this Friday, we have a special promotion for, uh, you guys. If you want to go to the store, merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura. The promo code is TS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, everything in the store is on sale, 20% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, yeaah. By like six of these? Absolutely. Yeaah. Yeaah. Here we go. Is there a new one of those? There is? I have a new fed smoker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so wild. This, if you're just listening, Fed Smoker, you remember Fed Smoker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Him being questioned. Somebody telling him, are you filming somebody? Like, it's the most absurd way to start a conversation with someone. Did you hear about somebody else saying something to me? And he's like, uh, no. I don't know what you're talking about at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's absolutely done nothing to provoke. No, he's just got a badge. He's just going up to him, and he's like, you know I can film everybody, right? And the guy's like, uh huh. Like, he's starting to register that he's crazy. Like, you can tell that when he goes, you know I can film, and he walks away. He's like, ah, I just gotta walk away. So he does the walk away, and then the guy, you know, goes, you know I can film everybody, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cause he removed his own tooth. So everything feels better now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got shit together. Fed Smoker. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's like telling this guy, I know if you're listening, you're like, what is being said? Fedsmoker is asking a police officer who was putting gas in his car that he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that he was told that if you stamp baby raper onto someone's face, that's a rape charge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so much more. Is it worth going down this lane? It seems a lot of this. It seems real crazy. Fedsmoker is out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, that reminds me of the promo you did for Dr. Drew when he had Jeff Tate on. Do you have that? Uh, I can pull it up. Can you pull it up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the best promo I've ever seen because it's in, it's in tune with what you're saying where you go, I'm not affected anymore. But when Dr. Drew said it in reference to our most celebrated video, it made me smile ear to ear because I could tell he felt somewhat defeated by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll see what I mean, if he can pull it up. It is my favorite Dr. Drew moment thus far. Uhm, it's just fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because you know how pent up he is. Yeah, I feel it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's broken. We're desensitizing Drew to horrible shit. I love it. I love it. Such a good job, man. Uh, what's this, Jean? What am I looking at here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to stop and tell me what the fuck you pulled that for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he really, he had to be just out of his mind when he did this. He was, probably. Also, I mean, I feel like whoever did this to him should have a talking to. Like, I know you gotta do what your customers ask, but there's gotta be some party that goes like, hey man, your whole life's gonna be over after I do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there is some code. I think the good ones, uh, the reputable, the real artists will be like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They probably have their own minds, but I think doing this to somebody is pretty bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how like, you can tell how he's like, uh, submissive, like he's got this kind of broken, battered look in his eye. I bet you when he was getting this tattoo, he was like, I'm ready for this shit dog. Like, give me that. And the guy's like, you really want, he's like, fuck yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, take a break, we have a great guest, uh, one of the biggest comedians working today, and also we should


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plug our dates so that we can be some of the biggest comedians working today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Melbourne, uh, the day after Thanksgiving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. And then the day after that, I'm in Miami on November 30th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, December 5th, I'm in Erie, Pennsylvania at the Warner Theater. Uh, just a quick heads up to everybody in Erie, there are plenty of tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, the next day, two shows in Columbus, two shows in Grand Rapids, those are sold out, then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, December 8th, I'm at the Coliseum at Caesars, Windsor, Ontario, Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, really excited to do that. And then I wrap up this year in Hawaii. I'm in Honolulu, December 28th. I'm in Maui, December 29th. Then the New Year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It comes to us all 2020. I never thought I would say that. We're gonna be in 2020. Australia's all sold out. There's still a few tickets left at the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, then this tour and the answer is of course. So I will see you in Las Vegas. I'll be back a few times this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you'll be in Miami and Dallas in March and Airlines, April 3rd through 4th, the Grey Club in New York City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is wild man. I don't know that people realize, uh, how like you are, you know, I was, I think I, I texted you a couple of times. You've been very nice to me. Uh, I really appreciate every time I ask you advice and your opinions on things. It's great. But I was like on a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But bro, it's wild how long you've been killing it for. It's really impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when did like the things really pop, like where you started to do those theaters? Was that 06, 07?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow man, yeah, I mean that's the thing that I think that really stands out, right? When you, when you tour and you, you know, you obviously you're like, you know, look at other people doing it and you're like, man, you've been, you've been


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing it, not just doing it, but killing it for that long. It's really impressive, man. It's really impressive. You built this amazing following, you know. And, uh, yeaah, I was watching your special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, where you, where you did in Houston, uh, at the, uh, Toyota center. Like you have to sell out a venue twice to do a special. So you have fucking 30,000 people going to the show. It's wild, man. It's amazing. It's insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're doing staples, which you've done before, I know, but like you're doing it again coming up here, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that wild to be like a California kid and uh, to see that like you're gonna do where the Lakers play? It is insane. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you have those fantasies about, like, doing what you do now when you were starting standup? Did you even, like, think of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got the, uh, I've had the, the person go like, hey man, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they're talking to you, and you're like, uh, like, I can see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you, do you want to do something with that? And they're like, oh. And they're, they're like, they can't believe they got caught. You're like, did you think that was slick? Like that you held your phone to your chest? You were talking to me and like recording like this and they're like, everything cool? And you're like, everything's cool. What are you doing though? And they're like, nothing. Just wanted to say hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that people who, like, don't live here, like, whenever I've had family visit here, they don't really, they think that, uhm, you know, in California, some people don't know this, motorcycles are permitted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we just let it fly here. I don't know. I guess they just go, that's an incentive to not have a car. So, but when you get in the car with people who are, don't live here, they'll go, oh, you see that guy went between us? Like that they're going to get them and like, they're not going to get them. That's totally fine here. It feels, it feels like you're breaking the law. It feels illegal. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever have intrusive violent thoughts? Like I could hit this person with my car right now. You know what I mean? You don't do it. You don't want to do it. It's like an intrusive thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had that thing that sets me off more in a show is if like you're, you're building the momentum of a joke and you get to a purposeful pause that always like, it's where the swell comes before you pull the punchline pin and right as you build that, that perfect moment, someone's like, do the fucking thing and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you just killed everything that we were doing here, and then I'll be like, I hope you die. I hope you die in the aisle right now. I hope you have an aneurysm, and I hope your family watches. And I tried to say the most hateful thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, we're setting up this really important meeting for you. You're gonna meet these people at this company and you're like, at first you're like, oh shit, really? Then you go and you're like, what's this all about? And they're like, well, it's like, this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Run shit, and you're like, alright. And then you go and you just sit around and people are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got a lot of interesting things going on. That's good. And uh, you know, it was great to meet you. You're like, is that what we, that's what today was?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is uh, this guy's name, he goes by King Ass Ripper. King Ass Ripper? Yea, he was, he built his career, uh, on just fart videos, like he would just film himself farting, and then it transitioned into glutton videos where he now just eats a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people, I think, send him money to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, have you been to one of these grilled cheese spots where like that's what they do there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fair. The fair, the state fair. And, uh, then he came by the Columbus Funnybone and did like midnight shows. Oh my god. That was the first time I met him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, definitely I could have bacon every day. Bacon every day. No problem. Easy. I just went a stretch without bacon for a while, and I had bacon again, and I was like, oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, I could have, I'm more like, sometimes you have incredible sweets, right, where you go, like I told you I love waffles, so you posted the waffle thing, and I was like, man, I wanna go to that waffle, I love, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I have a great waffle, or some type of sweet, I also go like, I feel like I could stay away from that sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but the fats, like the rich fatty things, to me, that is a daily thing. I could do that every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good mo- good moves though. Thanks brother. Thank you. Thank you. I uhm, I told it earlier, but the director's idea was to stab him, then he goes, how about after you stab him, you grab a gun and you shoot him, and then you empty it, and then you grab a shotgun and you empty that, and then you grab a machine gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then one of the dance choreographers was like, can you drown him? And I was like, I don't think we have a body of water here. And she was like, like they were like throwing stuff. I was like, this is great. This is all the stuff I dream about. It's like a human Kenny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever seen the, uh, the vatos that, uh, go to Syria? The gang bangers in Syria? No. Dude, this is the best. You're gonna do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brother, you're gonna end up doing a bit about this, okay? Just check this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was not trained by fucking military.


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[Assistant] I mean, what's about, what about like that border entrance when they're like, what are you doing here? You're like, I'm fucking surreño and I'm going to shoot the fucking enemigas. They're like, okay. Yeah, that little interview they give you before you come in.


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[Assistant] They're like, whoever's over there has never been trained before. These things keep flying fucking overhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, you're, I mean, you're, you're big in places, like I just did, I was in, I did a European tour and I was talking to the guy in Antwerp, Belgium and I'm like doing this like 500 seat place and I was like, so where do people go from here? He's like, well there's like an 800 seat place and he's like, you know, a couple people play that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's an arena. I'm like, who plays the arena? He's like, uh, Gabriel Iglesias. I was like, what? He goes, yeah, it's like a fucking five or 7,000 seat place. I was like, Gabriel sells 7,000 tickets in Antwerp, Belgium. And he was like, oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's wild, right? Like it's insane. Belgium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a mate, like I remember talking to the, uh, practical jokers guys. Yeah. That they said that one, you know, they had some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meeting with the network, and I'm paraphrasing here obviously, but that they were like, oh yea, you know where this show is like, number one, like, like just absolute crushing it is in Israel. And they were, they didn't even think about it, they're like, what? They're like, yea, so you should probably go do like, some marina shows in Jerusalem and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there was, who's the, uh, comic, um, Arge? Right? Barker? Yeah. Where he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Arge in, uh, Australia. Yes, that's where it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but ours when I went to Australia in 2011.


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[Assistant] They were like, oh, he's doing, it was some, you know. Oh, but he's from here though, right? That's what I'm saying. Yeah. He's American. And I'm like, they're like, you know, I was like, oh yeah, yeah. Like I've heard his name as like another comedian. I know who he is. And like he's, we're going to go see him do a show. Like, do you want to come with this group?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was in a, like a big theater, right? 3000. I was like, nice, this is, he's this big here. And they're like, oh no, he's doing this, uh, 30 days in a row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one thing I remember I picked up on is that he was, obviously he's American, he speaks with an American accent, but he was using


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't bloke, buddy. You think I'm a mother bloker? No, you motherfucking bloker. Uhm, so, uh, did you always want to do, like, cause when we were coming up, like, I'm saying especially as kids and maybe when you start your career, you go, uh, you know, the whole thing was stand up to sitcom. Did you always want to do the show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you sit there on set while you're shooting your show and you're like, I'm losing so much fucking money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what people don't understand. Yeah, like when you're touring, like Gabriel doing arenas and amphitheaters and he's just like, and someone's like, well, you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, it's the long play too, right? It's the long play. Yeah, yeah. I get it, I get it. I get it, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're a decent person, that's why. Is this it? Oh yeah, he just pulled it up. Is that it right there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see what they're doing? They got a new one coming out. They got the new one coming out where the, it's a fold and then it becomes seamless glass. That's cool. So it folds and then you can't see the split line where it actually folds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much, like, were you running? Like, how much of the bill should have been? Oh, at the time, it sh- thousands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite was one of my friends was running an AT&T store like 10 years ago. And he was like, this is the best. He was kinda trying to be a big shot. He was like, why don't you come by the store?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, okay. So I go to the store. And by the way, I'm not even, I didn't say can you, he was like, come by the store, I'll hook you up. So I go by the store. He's like, come in the room here. And he goes, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you want? I was like, I mean, I don't know man, like what's out, right? I don't know, maybe it's like the first iPhones or something. And I go, I guess iPhones? And he's like, how many you need? And I go, uh, I have two, one for me, one for Christina. He's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Throw in this thing here, these headphones. I was like, Jesus. And he goes, uh, so he like rings it up and it should be, let's say, $2,000. And he's like, I'm also gonna throw in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, code says you work for Coca-Cola, they get a discount. I'm gonna throw another code, says she works for FedEx, they get a discount. Uh, so your minutes will be like, I was like, Jesus Christ, and he's like, this should be like 2200 bucks. Uh, wanna say like 300 dollars? And I was like, sure, this is amazing. And so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I give it to him. I see him like a week later. He goes, I got a lot of trouble for doing that, man. I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You decided to do this on your own. He's like, well, just so you know, I really put my ass on the line for you. I'm like, wha- why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You know what somebody did too though? Uhm, cause I've been, some people are very nice and they go, uh, hey, you're gonna be in town. Do you wanna come to this restaurant? I would like to invite you to the restaurant. And I go, and sometimes you're like, you know, a lot of times it doesn't work out, but sometimes you're like, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The show ended, blah, blah, blah. That was very nice. You go, and people will like invite you. One person invited me to a, like a high-end steakhouse and like went out of their way, reached out to like management, agent, like everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We would like to have you. We'd like to host you and your team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah. They must be like, the thing is too is like, you are friendly, you are approachable, so I feel like people almost feel like they could probably ask for more from you, you know what I mean? They're like, Gabe is a good guy, he's a sweet guy, like Gabe, just fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come over tonight. Like, uh, come to the house. We're having a party. I mean, you must be invited to everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how about this, you go, hey cracker, next fucking time you show up at one of my shows, I'm gonna have the whole fucking power of Mexico behind me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is a, that guy is out of line, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He will also massacre that guy. He'll spend 25 minutes, right? If that guy ends up going to enough shows, Ian's just gonna have a 20 minute bit on that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What he does, I mean, you know. They were like, they thought it would go south, but no, he would just rip, man, he would rip.


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[Assistant] He's like, why is that? I go, because of this shit, man. People falling in the aisles. I don't want to fucking follow you. Oh my god. Yeah, that was amazing. He's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And they're like, but my joke, my joke is shit. Yeah. Writers are totally like that. Yeah. So precious with their material. Precious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I had one person come to a bunch of shows, uh, in a, in a state.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know what you're talking about. Had a chair with tires on it. You know one of those?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, yeah, she was like, my husband's gone, my fucking son lost a leg. I've got this. And I was like really nice to her. And then she started to come to more and more shows and then email and then kind of send you something. And then she started to like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Send me, uh, inspirational messages every day and I go, I hate these. She was like, they get me through the day. I was like, yeah, I don't need them. So send those to somebody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think people probably, you know, just get that you, you're not, I don't think you're, you know, you're not putting out there the vibe. Yea, the vibe. I think that you deserve. No, but it's like, it's also like a numbers thing, right? Like at a certain. Someone told me that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see, I can see, uh, the vibe of like, Gabe's nice, he's a happy guy, he'll like me too. You know what I mean? Like that, for the irrational person being like, that's somebody I can approach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They see you as approachable. And the inn, especially because you make them laugh, they're like, this is a fuckin' sweet, funny man. So therefore, like, there's, the inn is like, just when I meet him, it'll go well from there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Think about like too, that compared to like where, where do you start going up? Where's the first place you went on stage, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking the same thing about like how much you love, if you're hooked to do stand up or comedy, you love it so much that you, you go against all your better judgment. And like, you know, I was thinking too about like, I would, we would, I would do shows where we would ambush people. Like there was like a restaurant. Oh, they didn't know there was a comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and then like we just show up and we're like, we're starting the show and they're like, we're having dinner and we didn't want this at all. And you're like, well, you're fucking getting it. And then we would just force them to fucking watch stand up, you know, and yeah, the fucking bar shows where, you know, if you didn't have a lot of going on, you weren't well connected yet and stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you could do that one set on Saturday at like a bar, not even, not a paid set, just a bar show, and you get some big laughs, like the, the feeling would carry you for weeks. It was awesome. You'd be like, man, two weeks ago I had this fucking killer set at a bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, it was, it was bad. I remember, um, being like in that coming up circuit, uh, and doing like Brea the most. I used to do Brea a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've already booked it to like, it's one of my favorite places to start off again. I shot my special last week and like, it'll come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I've seen you perform there. Yeah, dude, that was fucking awesome. I've seen you perform there. You came to that show. That was awesome. That was the last time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is such an honor. Thank you very much for that. So are you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it makes sense why the guy said, he goes, I want to get this feeling again. Because you put somebody, not just laughing, but it is like an overall fun, like a joyful experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Totals and baristas. No, it's, you're an inspiration, man. And I gotta, I really appreciate, like, I've reached out to you a few times about advice. I really appreciate all the advice you've given. It's very, it's uh, it's cool that you're so accessible and nice about it, man. So thank you for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So, uh, you and Bert shot specials in the same week? One week apart. Wow. One week apart. I shot in Austin a week ago and he shot this weekend in Cleveland. Cleveland? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you gotta do? You gotta do a fuckin', your next arena show. Just, at some moment, just do a thing where like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I had that antisocial instinct immediately where I knew not to do that. I was like, I don't fucking anyone to know that it's me. So he did this and the, the day, the first day it was on the road, he called me, he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but then he was like, my bus is better. And it just came, it's just like, yours is not better, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the funny thing is that his bus right there, the first one I chartered on this tour was such a piece of shit that like, you know, I thought, you never, like, I'm, I'm always worried about being perceived as rude. I always want to be polite, you know? So I walked up and they're like, how was the ride? I go, you know, I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think it's a little loud back there. I think it is. I don't know if I'm speaking out of turn, but it feels loud. He's like, yeah, transmission's fucked on this thing. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, rear axle, everything's gotta go. And I was like, why do I have it this week? And he was like, I don't know man, this thing sucks. And I was like, this is the driver telling me this. And I was like, oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I've already, you know, signed a contract for like a few weeks and they're like taking it back and like the next week he's like, how is it? We got a new axle. We got a new, I'm like, yeah, it's still pretty loud. He's like, yeah, I told them they got to fucking switch out the transmission. I was like, so it was like a few weeks of, I did have this shit bus. I was just talking shit to Burt and then I got the fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's by far like, it'd be like if you're on a Delta plane and then the next day they're like, have you ever seen a G650? And you're like, oh my god. It was like that. It was of four seasons, like incredible. Oh my god. I like that. Yeah, yeah. No, it was super nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still have that bus. That's dope. That's nice. Yeaah, this bus was pretty wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who else was on my, oh, Toni Braxton had it, and I logged into her, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, yeah, that would be so fucking great. I would be great if you were a monster in real life. Okay. No, if Gabriel- Not great. Like, you know, like everyone's like, you're the sweet guy and if you- That would be a crazy movie down the line, right? If you were like, I'm not a fucking sweet guy. Just fucking stab people, gut them open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he, uhm, I remember, cause he's, uh, his name is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also was on, uh, Starsearch? Right, was that what it called? Starsearch? Starsearch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, go back to the, uhm, no, go back to the page before. That's him right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. There it is. See Stand Up Spotlight 1990? That video? Okay, yeaah. Yeaah. That's him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, um, uh, yeaah, so when they had like these multiple rapes, it was like, you know, you'd see the cities, like Gainesville, Birmingham, Charlotte, and then they're like, oh, they all, all his tour schedules lined up with it, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen the guys, speaking of guys in prison, like now have social media? It's so like, they're sneaking phones in and they're like posting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goddamn. Strong, strong signal. That is just wild, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So six more episodes you're gonna shoot and then it's like road heavy after that I'm guessing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy. Amphitheaters, arenas, everywhere all over the world. Get your tickets in Antwerp, uhm, Amsterdam, uh, Australia. You're gonna go to Middle East, India, everywhere. India, everywhere. Yeah, India, everywhere. Uhm, thanks again for coming, man. This was a lot of fun. Thank you. Really appreciate you coming here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's me trying to lick your balls when you don't use manscapes. There's hair everywhere. Wanna get your balls licked?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jingle balls to the walls. Fellas, listen up. Untrimmed pubes are a thing of the past. You gotta clean up down there. Gotta trim up the balls, the shaft, the whole area. That way, mouths have an easy time doing their thing. Isn't that right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time to gear up and get yourself the gift of shaving this holiday season. I'm talking about the Manscape Perfect Package 2.0. I've turned my balls with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, blades, uhm, straight razors, knives, anything I can find, you know, just to give it a little, little more size, trim back the, all the bushing and the forest down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I've had bad experiences, and for a while I was like, just forget it, I'll just let it hide in the forest, you know. But then, the wonderful people at Manscape released this product that, I mean, I can literally


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The revolutionary company Manscape has redesigned the electric trimmer. Their Lawn Mower 2.0 has proprietary advanced skin safe technology so this trimmer won't nick or snag your nuts. It's also waterproof. You can use it in the shower. I didn't even know that!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Manscaped Perfect Package 2.0 also includes the Crop Preserver, an anti-chafing deodorant and moisturizer. If you already put deodorant on your armpits, why are you not putting it on the smelliest part of your body? And yes, your balls do stink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not anymore. Speaking of sweaty, stinky balls, I'm thankful for the Crop Reviver. This product along with the Crop Preserver keeps your balls from sweating, smelling, and sticking. And these products smell good. Isn't that right? You're down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their manly scent is attractive and will help set the mood if you know what I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect package will also come with a pair of Manscaped Boxer briefs that will keep your junk feeling fresh all day. It's time to upgrade those overused pair of boxers to Manscaped High Performance Anti-Chafing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boxer Brief. Tis the tis the season to manscape to get yourself, your dad, your brother, your friend, your lover, all of the above. The Manscape Perfect Package 2.0. Get 20% off plus free shipping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the code mom at manscaped.com. Your balls will thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like our staff and that box. Some of our, uh, my old roommates come to mind. I think I'm going to send them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Jay Elvis Weinstein, thank you for coming again. Uh, you were actually one of the rare times that, I think the only time that in the last however many years we've had video, we couldn't air your video because we got error messages on our memory cards. I felt very vampire-ish. It felt, it was very, it was bizarre because I was on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something about the, we took out the cards, uh, from the previous week before we had formatted or saved it correctly. So we had to, whatever, it was just a technical bullshit. At least you got a good story out of it. We got a good story out of it. But now you're back and this video is going up. Beautiful. I think I probably worked better in the theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You directed the, the, uh, I need you to kill. I need you to kill the documentary that, uh, I'm in, uh, that's on Amazon prime, right? You can watch it there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, you've directed other docs, but I want to get this out of the way because it's important. After all this time being a comic, over 30 years? Over 30, yea. Uhm, you've put out an album, uh, chunks. Yes. And then you're also this week making your debut in a feature film. Yes, as a comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, I feel pretty good. I think I'm the same kind of actor as you. I'm always like, God, I should do a little more there. It's like barely emoting or.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gotta be exciting. It was super fun. And the fact that like you are long time friends with Andy and you guys get cast to work together is kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that overwhelming when you arrive on set to be, like you're not trained after?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, right. So overall though, fun experience? So fun, yeah. Would you do it on there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you mean like having a... having a... I've got a good piece of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like a, that's a Hollywood story though, to be like, I've never acted, oh hey, I'm a star in a movie. I mean, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like having Deja, we just literally had this conversation with Judd sitting with us. Really? Yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of the most exciting time though, uh, whenever you actually put out something, you get this rush of fear and excitement about what's next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm gonna, I'm gonna hopefully weigh your, your assessment versus his. I'll let him. All right. All right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my favorite part of this, is that it? Is it over? When I first played this, we just watched it, and I'm like, what's going on? And Nadav went to town, knowing that. So uhm, do you have an opinion as to what's really going on here? Like, what is happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Orthodox, in your opinion, always, if you give them an inch,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, and the rest of us all feel this way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite too is like whenever we have like any type of service needed there of any time, he'll be like, I called a couple guys, there's an Israeli, I hung up on him. So we, I'm like alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll call somebody else. Air conditioning guy? I'm like, you're the guy. Right. Do whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's right. Yeah, that's right. That is totally true. Uhm, we, by the way, I don't know, I don't think Christina's seen this. Do you have any idea? It's going to be on this screen here. Okay. What, do you know what's being said here, Christina? I don't think you've seen this at all. Just see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the fed smoker by the way. You know him? I don't. Yeaah. You can, you have his other one just ready for after. Yeaah yeaah, get that one ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, yeaah. For this purpose it's better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this guy, just so you know, the reason this is more significant to us is that this is also the fed smoker. Okay. Now the fed smoker, he has a mission which is to basically call out, uh, bullshit, uh, law enforcement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is fresh. Yeah, it could be that this was first and he went here. I don't buy that story. I don't buy that story. It could be that this guy punched him in the tooth. That's true. I don't think so. Well here, he keeps it, it's pretty cool the way he handles the situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we'll get there in a moment. Nice tease. Let's, let's, uh, let's clean the palette a little bit here. Sorbet. Ah, Lyman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like them? Uhm, do you, okay. Small tits rarely fall victim to mismanagement. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a very, this whole clip is like uhm, let's say 15 seconds long. One sentence in there is up for debate. Okay, so we're interpreting more than judging. Yeah, we're not judging. We're just saying he's saying this versus he's saying that. Okay, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the part that's up for debate is when he says, you big words don't want something. Don't work no ret. That's the part that's up for debate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's you niggas don't want no rec.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the slow mo, I'm hearing work for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you're a forensic audio guy, please send us an email. Your mom's podcast at gmail.com. The subject line should say work no wreck forensic. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very common, it's right here. You can see this guy, he actually tells us that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I 100% trust him. But right before you were here, a guy sat and was like, 100% it's work no wreck. Or want no wreck. So now we have the debate. The debate is alive. I wish they would bring it up at the presidential debates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was very convincing, yeaah. That sounds very Dominican to me. Juno one none. Juno one none. Juno one none of these. Um, yeaah, that's fantastic. Well, the debate is alive and well. I don't think it's going to be settled anytime soon until a forensic audio person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's gotta be one. There's gotta be one. We tried to hire one for home here now, and then like we had the conversation going and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool Guy Tony is here. Are these new Cool Guy Tonys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, is there a way to introduce him to Josh so he knows who we're talking about? Or would I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I'm not fully up to speed. No, no, but it just helps to give, it helps, it helps, you know, so you know, like, so you got him? So this guy, we just discovered, luckily, uhm, he's such an interesting, cool guy, and he put out this video first. Okay, cool guy Tony, yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's uhm, there's a lot going on. Some people would say drug usage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's him. That is him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, this is like really who it is. He's like, he's trying to genuinely give advice here. He's really, he's like, you know, you should really pay attention to this. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could watch this guy all day. I just love him. He's fascinating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sound advice. Well, it's all solid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put on airs. I haven't seen this, but I can tell you one of my biggest pet peeves. I mean, it's not just a pet peeve, it's almost like a phobia. I'm just revolted by public kissing. Really? Yeah, I don't like it. I don't like seeing people kiss in public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it in movies. I don't like it in shows. Really? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, whenever I see people kiss I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God forbid she's got on like a short skirt, then she really wants it. Jesus Christ. This guy is going nuts over there. Yea, I don't like, I don't like public kissing. I don't like it either. You like, you don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Question man. I can tell you that like a peck I don't feel that with. You know, somebody just says hello or goodbye. That doesn't send any emotion through me. But when I start seeing like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kissing? Yeah, I'm like, what are you doing? Like, what the fuck are you doing? That's my reaction. You know, like, why are you doing that here? You know, there's people around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well clarified. Yeah. Uhm, this, uh, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this is a would you rather, who proposed this? Is this yours?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and do you wanna, do you wanna at least walk me through what, what we're, what would you rather is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see it. So I see this and the proposal is would you rather when you have an orgasm you sound like this lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or when you pee, you pee with your pants all the way down around your ankles. Every time. So if you're in a urinal, in public, you drop trowel all the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so inconvenient. There's a different paradigm for women too. You don't have the urinal thing. And by the way, men piss all over the ground. So you're always going to be dipping your pants in piss. Just the pants ruining alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to be fucked a lot. Do you remember that guy? Robert Paul Champagne? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the try it out guy, he's gonna piss on me, try it out, right? So, yeah, I have, I'll pull up over here, I got it all set together. So he's like our most legendary find. And he has, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to be fucked a lot man, you know, men from jail, homeless, all this stuff. He's put out these calls. We went and visited him. We sent our very own Josh Potter. He went and he did a little mini doc on him. It was fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well actually, when you're playing the percentages like that, you gotta go in bulk. So now we gave him an iPhone because he was doing real low.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you've provided him quite a following, I guess. Uh, yeaah, he's got subscribers, um, and yeaah, he's, it's, it's, his, his Instagram grew by thousands. By twenty-some thousand. Um, but anyways, this happened for the first time in our eyes. Like, a few days ago. It'll be up here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fantastic. When he orgasms in this one, uhm, dude, he doesn't miss a second, a second before he goes back to his sales pitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, but I'm saying, he doesn't miss in the full video, he orgasm, he's like, anyway, so if you want to come up, like he doesn't slow, it's not like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you have done anything? Snacks? Were there snacks? Would you have done something minimal for like the right price?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you have kissed him? No. What about for some real money?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember that. He was like, do you want me to put him on? You're like, do whatever you want. He's like, well then I'd rather be like this in a tank top. He did have a little tank on, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and did he have a nice piece of equipment on him? I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought we had this would you rather going on. I was like, I gotta do it here, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, the first album in your career. In my career, yes. Chunks. Yes. Is available everywhere. Music is available. Yeah, streams or downloads. Streams or downloads, everywhere. And you recorded it at ACME?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best. Just saw Lewis a few days ago. We love Lewis. He's the greatest. And then, uh, your first feature film that you're a fucking co-star. So exciting! And what's the name of the film again? The Fiddling Horse. The Fiddling Horse. Uh, you're gonna go to the premiere. Do you have your premiere outfit ready to go? Uh, I have it planned, yea. You have it planned?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very happy for you man, proud of you. Good job. Awesome. We had some fun times out there and we'll have some more for sure. Thank you for coming today. Make sure you check out the album, check out the Fiddling Horse film and we'll see you guys soon. Sorry, this is what I look like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. Please continue to watch more. You can see all these were my hands gesturing. You can click on those. And please subscribe if you have not yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I owe it to you guys. Yeah, sure. No, uhm, I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was this show. Really? They go, oh man, I loved you on your mom's house. And that was the first time I'd ever done a podcast and someone had come to a show and said that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can it mock voices? I think it can. Whose voice would you like it to mock? Bobby Lee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it Hitler or Bobby Lee? One of the two. I think it was going to say racist stuff. I thought for sure you would say Bert. I figured it was Bert's voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does it, does it take its shirt off before it gets racist? Yeaah. It has a little bird shirt on and it takes it off? Yeaah, takes it off, kinda pecks at it. I told him he should start naked and put on clothes as his set goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say, perfect. Perfect. Yeah. 80s? You think he'll live to be 80?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it, yea, I think, honestly, or, or, he really flips it on us and goes full Rogan. And just goes like CrossFit every, no, he could, he might though. He could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh jeez. So less than ten. So that makes perfect sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I partied with Darrell Rivas and we partied hard. He used to be in the NFL. He was like the top corner in the league for a moment. He was like the best of the best. At one point no one was better. Lockdown. Lockdown. And we partied together with some people he knew, people that I knew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the next day I was like, wow, I'm in so much pain, like I was in pain pain. And he looked like he, I was like, wow, how are you so, like how are you so alive? And like, and he literally said to me, he goes, I'm built better than you. Wow. He's right. I'm dead serious. He goes, I'm built better than you. And I was like laughing. He's like, no, I'm serious. I'm, I'm a machine. I'm caught from a different cloth, man. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smart guy. Smart guy. Found him in China. He's Chinese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is disgusting. Or people that clear their throat all the time. People are like, ahem, ahem, ahem. Yeaah. You're like, what, what, get it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you do it on your, on your dialogue? No. Do you know that people do that to bury other people's scenes? I know about- That's the thing that I've heard, that people will cough or make noise, so they have to use your, your take. I'm dead serious. That's like an old school, like sound guys will tell you all those secrets that people do. Some people rub mics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll rub their, they'll rub their lot, like under their shirt, you know, they'll rub mics to fuck up takes about other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, people do it, people do it all the time. I mean, if it's a really high profile actor, they would never do that. Like, cause they care too much, but someone that's like famous that has


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he doesn't care anymore, like he's, he's been on, he was on, he's, he gets a network run for like seven year runs and he's done like ten of them. He's done good. He's got some, and it's not acting, at some point it's just like this, it's like, the dead bodies are gonna be there, if we're there. He's gotta do that every week. Who told me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I like to put it in my thing that was like, I'll do radio if they're cool. Uh, but I- Did you see that clip of Sam Morell? Uh, on Cleveland? Yeah, or wherever he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, there was a guy that did, there was a comic that did Last Comic Standing, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey man, I know you're mad cause you came cause you thought I was gonna be ABC, but like, that's not what I am. Right. If you don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just look at my Twitter, look at my Instagram. I'm not that thing. And he has to constantly battle people about it because people show up to clubs being like, he was filthy. I mean he's not, and he's not that bad. He's just a normal comedian, but they want him to be TV, TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard, it's hard as a comedian unless your brand is you across the board. It's tough. Like, thank god for podcasts so people get, they know who you are now a little bit more. Oh yeaah. Cause what, years ago,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever small things they'd see of you on like Conan at the Tonight Show, it's like, that's not you even a little bit, you know? And also, you do jokes and the moment you're done, you're gone. You like disappear, you know what I mean? They fuck you off, so it's like, how does that promote me as a comedian? It's just like, here's a joke, here's a joke, here's a joke, here's a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The New York guys do it. They love it. Like, the guys like, uhm, Mark Norman, who I love, he's done so many. I mean, Conan three or four times. Do you think that helps? I think it's his thing now, which is kinda cool. It's like, cause he does it so much that it's kinda like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the guy that does those things. You know, I think there has to be one every generation of guys that do it, but- That do a bunch of appearances. Yeah, but for me, cause he's phenomenal, like these kind of quick snaps. Well it's also a skill set to do five minutes. I'm so bad at those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Yeah. You know how some people's family watches, watch their stuff? My family doesn't have any idea what I do. None? Nope. You could be doing porn right now. I am. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, my mom is one of 56 kids. Jesus! Irish, Catholic, Irish Catholic. My grandmother gave birth from when she was 6 years old until she died at 98 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope, not a one of them. Well, they're all spread out across, uh, across the United States. Do you have a lot of cousins? I have 643 cousins. No, 42, cuz one of them, and one of them's gone. Yeah. Yeah. We'll leave it at that. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I showed- I showed- Oh, okay. Alright, I thought you didn't. Alright. No, he- Yeah, you shot himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, do you not know how to hand signal? No, he went up north. He's gone. He's gone up north. Yeah, he's gone. He's moving to northern Canada. Okay. He's a weirdo. He's a weirdo. He's gone to us. Yeah. I'm not talking to a northern Canadian guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm half Irish, half Italian. My dad is Sicilian. He is? He is. Oh wow. So he's a southern rat, and then I'm an Irish rat. So I'm like the worst of the two Europeans, I think. I'm northern trash and southern trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're sweet people. I mean, they mean no harm, and they mean no good either, to be honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, what was he? He was okay, he was a, he was a, he was an interesting, big guy, a big guy. Big man, lot of, like a, uhm, he hit us. He did? He hit the shit out of us. How many siblings? These are fake teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's kind of a 50-50 at this point. You know, a lot of, a lot of times I'll catch a fan after a show and they'll go, hey, can I take a picture? And I take different porn pictures than I do with fan pictures with stand-up. Stand-up fans, I'll just hug them and take a picture. With a porn picture, I usually, I have to pull out a tit or something to ruse them up a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, you know, I'll take either fan. If you're like, if you're one of my porno fans or one of my comedy fans, I want you both at my show. I want my porno fans at my show, I want my comedy fans at my show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like no, we both got, you know, we're both clean, we're fine. So then we start the scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's on top of my back, cause I like to start in kinda like a jujitsu position when I do porn. She's on my back and she's choking me out, which is my fave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I do this thing called the Innie. Do you guys know the Innie? Uhm, if you can push your penis all the way through into your body, it'll come right out your butt. And you did that? Mhm. And she was not turned on? Lost it. Lost it. Did not like it. Packed up and left. Wow. The director was Livit. But meanwhile, I'm there. Isn't that called a kill scene? Uh, well, wait till you hear it. Wait till, wait till, yeaah. This is, it's not over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The director is there and he's freaking out. He's like, we lost the second half of the talent. And I'm like, well, I still got to, I have to finish the inning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he calls in one of the sound guys, you know, one of the, a boom operator, and the boom operator finishes me off, next thing you know, I'm one of the most famous gay porn stars now. Yeah. Finishes me off, and, and, have you ever seen an East Get Sucked? You've never seen it? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you send, the tape that I sent you, will you send it to them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause he, I sent him a video of this. Of any gay porn. Yeah, of any gay porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. No, that's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. The gay porn that I sent you. Is there...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. Okay, long story short, I'll give you the, I'll give you a link to this new video. To the new Any Porn video that I have. I would love to see that. It's pretty incredible. I'm a really talented guy and it's gotten me pretty far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Porn has done something for me that has changed the way I feel about the world. Do I like stand up? I guess. Do I feel more me than anything else? Look, I went through a transition in my life that you guys know. I talked about it last time I was on this show. You remember Rick? Rick? That was a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was hiking. And you met a guy? I didn't meet a guy, Tom. I met the love of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't be degrading. I'm sorry, I'm just saying. I wouldn't say that about your wife. No, no. You met a girl. No, no. You met the mother of your children. That's right. I met the love of my life in Appalachia Mountains. Yes, Rick. And you'd run out of water? I'd run out of water. And Rick had water. He provided. And then you guys? He provided. We fell in love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you parted ways. Well, what happened was, is we got dual Fitbits. We had, we had, uh, we linked our Fitbits. And his Fitbit heart monitor was jig-jag jumping at, you know, 3.30 in the morning and I was thinking, what's that from? He's out with the boys, what's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's older than you. Oh yea, much, no much, yea, yea, he was, uh, is still alive. Uhm, and I go out and I see him, and they were over at the manhole with that bar, uh, bar on the west side. I go to the manhole and, you know, sure enough, he's just getting tripped by, you know, tripped, you know, triple teamed. He's getting tripped by, yea, some fellas. Three guys? Yea, that's what tripped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to describe fun for you. You know? Yea, yea, yea. He got tagged by three guys and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, we broke up because he disappeared, he went to Amsterdam for a long time. That's right, and you were looking for him. I was, I was on the hunt. I traveled for a long time and this video, I sent him, I sent this to Nadav, this is real. He recently sent me an email. Rick did? Yea, saying hello. Look, you'll see, he sent me a video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, he can't even say Bali correctly, so no, that's like a big strike against him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, because he's with this new guy, this young Puerto Rican kid. That's tough competition. Those guys can fuck. Minor league ball player too. He spent four years in the minor leagues and he meets this jerk when they're, you know, in the off season and I shouldn't say jerk, I love Rick still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, 38? Wait, what is it? 38 years? Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah. But he's just, look, I've had my heart broken recently and that's why comedy's been weird. I don't know if I want to do stand-up anymore. Really? I just want to focus on my porn because it's kind of like shoving away all these past feelings of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stand up is fun, sure. I guess. If you're a loser. Do you know what I mean? Like if you have nothing else going on? Yea. Yea, you want to be a stand up. Cool, you want to make people laugh? Right, right. Loser. I want to entertain people with sex because it's helping me get through my relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By far. Do you want to make someone come or someone laugh? Right. Laughing just doesn't have the same payoff. Ha ha ha, and their life goes on. When they come, they remember me. It's Pavlovian. You know, when they see a picture of me, they remember the moment. Do you remember the first moment that you guys came? Do you remember the first moment? Uh, yeah. Yeah. You'll remember, do you remember the first time you laughed? No. No. Laughter is almost meaningless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. You know, some of your fans reached out and support for Rick and our relationship and I just don't know. Ask your fans. I mean, should I give them a shot? I don't know. I always feel like it's too expensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean he never texts you back? We barely text. And he won't answer the phone because he gets nervous on phone calls. His voice crackles and he says he has to sit because he gets dizzy when I call him on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets dizzy when you call. Yeah, he gets nervous, so he says he has to sit down when I call him and I'm just like... That's why he just hangs up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a little strange. Are you saying I could get younger dick? Probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, honestly I don't know, he just does the things that I need him to do. You know? He's the, he is the guy for me. I mean I know for you it's all about looks, but that's who you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm different, I'm a little more vain. Yeah, you're kind of a misogynist pig person who just focuses only on the looks, but I focus more about the connection. And you and Rick have something. Holy shit, do we ever. Well, it did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the love, that's the love of, that's someone I love. Does he smell bad? No, he smells like uhm. What does he smell like? You know like a, you know like a uhm. Like a mountain? The cab of a, of a pickup truck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, does it smell good? That does sound good. It just, it reminds me of places that I want to go back to. Yeah. So yeah, he didn't smell bad. He smells, he smells like life and earth. He smells like he's from the grit. Cause he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love how hard his hands are. People like soft hands. Not me. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did he do? What did Rick do for a living? He's jumped around a lot. I mean, he's done a lot of, a lot of labor jobs. He was uhm, at the first he was uhm, he worked on roadside, you know, roadside assistance, you know, like changing tires and that kind of stuff.


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[Assistant] Didn't you say he worked at an oil rig? He ran an oil rig for 16 years in Edmonton, Canada. Uh, he was, he was, he was that fracker. You know what that is? Yeah. Frack the earth, yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, and then he franchised, uh, uh, two or three Firehouse subs. He took some money out.


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[Assistant] He's in so much debt from his first three marriages that I don't think he'll ever. Oh, right. And none of them have gotten remarried again, so he's gotta keep paying for them for the rest of his life. Oh, jeez. Fuck the wife. I know. Yeah. The wives, so that's been, that's been a struggle for us. The financial talk. Yeah. He's always talking about money and, you know. So he must be hitting you up for some money. I send him money.


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[Assistant] Not a lot, I mean, like every month, I wa- the first of the month, I pay the mortgage and I send him a little- just a little chunk on Venmo I give him.


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[Assistant] The mortgage I think is like 2,600 and I think I Venmo him something around like 12 to 15 grand a month.


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[Assistant] Well, no, I'm thinking about, but I- Yeah, it's like a hundred and eighty grand or something a year. That's a lot.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I get, well no, I mean his car, but he's, okay so cause, and I don't think he has any money left over cause he says that his car payment is like $4,800 a month.


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[Assistant] Are you? I don't think so. I don't think that's part of his agenda.


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[Assistant] I'm embarrassed. I feel like I'm like being taken advantage of by everybody.


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[Assistant] This might make you feel better. Yeah. Give me something.


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[Assistant] It doesn't, it does get under my skin a little bit. It does get under my skin a little bit. But, you know, this guy's, I get it. I get why he's doing it. He wants to show the view. I got my latte. I got a lot of post-it notes. Post-it notes. I'm busy.


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[Assistant] This, this was the worst part. This was like your guy on the plane when he goes, it's uh, did I say my name? Charles.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so for the most part the view you could see was buildings, right? Mhm. Yeah. That's pretty rare in New York to look out a window and see buildings. I know, right? You've been to New York?


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[Assistant] I've, I've never been to New York. I've, I've- You've seen photos? I go to Jer- I get to, I get to go to Jersey. Yeah. Can't go into Manhattan anymore. You're not allowed. Well, anymore I've never really been, but I tried, the first time I tried to go I got into a fight. And, uh- Why'd you get, how'd you get in a fight? Because I was trying to walk there. I didn't, they wanted, you know, take a car. You have to take a car over the bridge or in the tunnel. And I was like, I'd love to walk.


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[Assistant] Uh, like a hazmat suit. I was pretending to be a, uh, I thought the best way to get across would be, you know, wearing a union worker outfit. And that's why you got arrested and everything? I spit on the cops face. That was probably the crux of everything. Man, you have a wild life.


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[Assistant] He's really good. He's very funny. This is opening bit. What's up with women today? You can't even fuck the fat ones. Crushes. This guy crushes.


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[Assistant] But what you just said is right on the nose. Mommy did something bad, and now he turned out like this and is like, what's up with these bitches. All of these bitches. You can't even wear jeans. I love how he's regulating what clothes people are allowed to wear. But I didn't put on jeans anymore.


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[Assistant] I deserve. But he does, he does, he does, he does. To be fair, he deserves the hottest of the hot.


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[Assistant] I need a napkin, I'll be right back. This guy, this guy, the weirdest part was, did you guys cut this or did he edit it a little bit?


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[Assistant] Come here, I wanna talk to you. He's gonna kill me. He's gonna eat my body.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's pretty cool. I gotta be honest, he's very cool. Got a nice jaw though. From that low angle, he's still got a good jaw.


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[Assistant] L.A. 5, Nebraska, 19, Nebraska 8, and then what about Fairbanks Alaska? That's the last one. Which one does he get there?


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[Assistant] If you think, if you think I wasn't attracted to Rick because of his physical stature, then


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[Assistant] Uhm, there was a kid, I say a kid, I shouldn't say that, he was legal, he was 19, but it was in New Orleans.


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[Assistant] Big boy, big big big boy, little bayou boy is what I call him. I call him my bayou bobber. Because we put him in the water, he would just, he would bob like a, you know, like a bobber. How big are we talking?


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[Assistant] I mean. That's something that your crew is though. They're, they are, they're sizists. I noticed that. That is something that they've said. I will talk to them.


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[Assistant] I'm not gonna get into your business, I'm just saying. But yea, the biggest guy I was with was New Orleans in the 600 pounds. Uhm, I, you know, look. Tall too or no? Yea, very, very tall. Very tall, about 5'4", 5'5".


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[Assistant] I don't know, but he did us good, cause it's good for our relationship. Yea, we'd soak up the moisture from the sword. Is that kid still alive?


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[Assistant] He got on a really bad, um, he got on a bad Burger King kick where he was like trying to go to all, you know how people go to all the stadiums around the country for baseball? He was going to all the Burger Kings around the country. He hit a couple thousand, he said.


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[Assistant] On a slow day, he probably knocks out ten to twelve a day. Ten to twelve a day? Well, breakfast.


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[Assistant] Yeah, in fact, it's so stupid, all these skinny people are like, you know, be, uh, chicken and vegetables and all that healthy stuff. It's like, you can, you should eat.


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[Assistant] Right, that is a big part of the secret. In fact, you can get what's called a fry bun. I don't know if you've seen this, but they'll take fries and press them on a flat top. Oh. And you can eat the fries as a bun. Perfect. That sounds better. It's a lot healthier than bread. Yea, have like a fries bun. Yea, a fry bun.


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[Assistant] It's potatoes, which is, uh, you know, potatoes are carbs and protein, which is really good for you. And fry oil, they say now is the thing that's, that's keeping most people, uh, most people to have good circulation. Have fry oil. Anything. Anything fried. They say it's good for circulation.


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[Assistant] Okay, if your door is squeaking, if your door is squeaking, a door hinge, what are you putting on it? You put some oil on it. Put some oil on it. Yeah. So you put, if this whole, if your heart is like struggling to pump blood, get some oil in there. Get some oil in there. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I was gonna say, you guys used to not have such a high table. Yea. I used to be able to see your genitals at the old spot. You could. But now, this is for hiding gen scratches. Yep.


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[Assistant] Do you guys have a tree at your home? Yea, we have three trees. What's underneath it though?


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[Assistant] Have people put gifts under there yet? No. Okay. Too early. That's what I say. We have a tree skirt.


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[Assistant] When I go to somebody's house and they already have gifts at this point, this makes me nauseous. Makes me shame.


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[Assistant] Look what you got. You can't have it for three weeks. It's disgusting. I hate it.


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[Assistant] We don't do Christmas trees. You don't? Pagans.


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[Assistant] No, no, you know why? Because uhm, we have, we got a procedure, we have, we got a, she got a procedure, I'm paying for it, uhm, she got a procedure to close it up so nothing could grow. Oh wow. Wow. Yeah. So wait, where does she pee out of? Her butt. They rewired it? Re-routed it to her butt.


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[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, it comes out of one hole. So, it's so much easier.


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[Assistant] There's an, there's a sepsis, second hole in your, in your vagina?


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[Assistant] You did that. You took a straw and you made that. Yea, you did. Are you crocheted? You must have done that.


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[Assistant] Six. Six holes. Six holes. Oh, bullshit. Every guy does. Every guy has six.


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[Assistant] That was the last we've seen of her. Appropriately so because kissing wolves is fucking ridiculous. That's insanity.


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[Assistant] Who is this fucking human? What? This is, this is her thing? That's her thing.


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[Assistant] What you guys should do is sit her down and then both get up over here and start just putting your tongue in her mouth.


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[Assistant] I was like, and I'm also stunned because like, usually in my mind these people don't look like her. Yea, right, right, right, right. Like she doesn't look like, if you saw her somewhere, you wouldn't go, that girl walks with wolves. No, you would have to.


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[Assistant] I'll sleep with wolves for like a few days. Oh, you mean like amongst the animals at night? You put pitch a tent and you sleep like amongst wild animals?


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[Assistant] I gotta, I'm just, I left something in my car. Okay, I'll follow you. No, stay here! No, you'll probably get lost. No, it's Buka da Bebo, I've been here 13 times this month. Okay, well there's a wolf in the parking lot, just so you know.


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[Assistant] She's one of those people that goes to those local city councils and is like fighting her neighbors because her neighbors are like, she has fucking wolves in her backyard and we have kids. And they're like, it's a husky.


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[Assistant] Where do you think he lives? This has got to be in the south. There's literally no doubt. My guess would be Georgia.