[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the list of things a Downs person is concerned with, like getting laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not that. It's the attitude. Yeah. Cause honestly,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how you're gonna get laid? Not that. Like I need to help her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lesbian or not, no one likes a Debbie Downer like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then maybe change the t-shirt, maybe wear a bra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember that one time when we were in New York City for my 30th birthday, we were with Shawna and Jimmy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. And we were in the, what's their park?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's been stuck in my brain for 10 years. There's a woman who walked up to us and she wanted to, she bummed, she wanted to bum a cigarette. And she was wearing a shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she's like, can I bum a cigarette? You're like, if you eat my asshole. Do you think she'd do it for a cigarette?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause her tits, what was neat about, and why it sticks out in my mind?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody saw that one. And it's rare when four people notice the exact same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's you, it's you bro. Cause there's someone for everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is true. It's her negative and her negativity is just gonna repel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause the thing is, she dolled up a little, changed her attitude. Go for a walk. Go for a walk, go to the bar, go meet other women. I mean, there's someone for everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Well women have dark thoughts like that too, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when you and I are ramping up, I'll have like fun, but fun aggressive, not like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like that. I don't- I'm not that angry. She's angry sexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about you, when you see that lady in front of the vans, and she's missing all her teeth, but she's got that sign, and she's got some free kittens. And, she's, her face is a little dirty, and her beard has grown in just a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's got the free kittens, and her beard is grown in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So one of those ladies or a lesbian wolf lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you brought her home and we showered her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you'd have to shave up her cooch too, it's all fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's good now. It was bad last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now your beard's growing back in and it's starting to look good. What do you think? Tell me how you feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotcha. Every now and then a hairdresser getch- they getcha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell nah, and you just got your theme songs when they bring you on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody, can we do it? Alright you guys, are you ready for your headliner?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best is that when that happened is they were in North Korea and they were doing a presentation singing for him. And then he grabs a mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't like, uh, beard smells? I liked beard smells.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's even funnier if you get a ticket and it's like the Kiss My Pussy. Tom Segura presents Kiss My Pussy. Or Golden Voice or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Presents, the Kiss My Pussy Tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got verifiable, fresh on parole, no teeth, no entry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kiss my pussy, kiss kiss my pussy. Look what's here. It's a quarter of a piece of bread that I didn't eat last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he needs to work on it a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And hang your asses over the ladder and then shit off a ladder, which is almost impossible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would you go through the trouble of building a makeshift ladder on a tree


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can climb up it and then shit on the pile. So you can poop on the poop pile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said, you know, the children would come running from miles to shit on the poop hop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear it? Did you hear it? See, I can't do that when Blue Man's in the room. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's too much for him. I'm his mother figure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, no, no. You need to get your life because that was mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're lying now. No I'm not. No you're lying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you laughed and then you go, we can't call him that, that's so inappropriate. And I go, that's the fun, he's a comedian, it's fine. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you talking about? I came up with sickle cell. You don't even know what sickle cell anemia was at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next you're gonna say you came up with El Chapo. That was mine. Chapito is mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. That is one thing I know I came up with is sickle cell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I, I got a lot of tweets from people who saw your shows in Texas, reporting back to me, you had no water on stage. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, but you didn't touch it. Right. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I did 20 minutes sets. So what? I don't go 20 minutes without hydrating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't matter, I do frequency. Now, let's talk about nicknames. Did you have any embarrassing ones?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I came up with it, you thought it was so offensive, you wouldn't say it for the longest time. I called Ryan Sickle Cell first and he went, and then you hopped on board. Okay. That's how it works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have such a dad laugh now. Can we talk about this topic though? I like this idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They call me Kristika, Kristaló, as in a horse. There's some rhyme in Hungarian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, there was a time when we called each other Low at the end of it, like Crystal Low, Puppy Low. So they called me Crystal Low.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget, lull, we just add it, cause that song was around our house, and she'd go, oh, Christy, lull, and we were just singing a lot, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and I just, what I did, and guys, if you have children, I recommend doing this. Open up an email account for your kid, and then send them emails when they're babies, and then eventually, you know, they can read all the cool stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go get his stuff. So anyway, Chapo has a few nicknames, El Chapo, Chapito, LJ, Little Jeans, Baby Jeans, and lately it's been, he's been called Skeetlebops, I call him Skeetlebopper, Skeetlebops, Skeetle,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? The dogs all have bitsy schnitzels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fieferoni, pepperchoni, pepperoni.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and so we were calling him FIFA Rally Sondracelli. That was fun. FIFA stinks. Yesterday he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just at home. Just as long as you don't make that her full-time name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's interesting? Speaking of baby jeans, you and I went to our first baby class together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it's two now, we've been to two. And you pointed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How annoying it is that some of the other parents are rude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they don't even acknowledge your existence and say hello? How you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, is it that fucking hard to just say hi to the other people? There's like nine of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's so rude. I mean, you don't even have the goddamn manners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been a long time and I got very nervous that our...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Persian lady had disappeared on us because the last we heard she was putting bags in the trees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, I got one on Thursday. Now look at the last time she...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She voicemailed us was June 14th. So it's been a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apparently, not about phone numbers that work and that don't work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so curious to know what's happened to her in the last three months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't know. We know that she put bags in the trees to keep the squirrels away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the climate, yea, she could not believe we were wasting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Free lemons! So she juiced, I mean it took days, and she juiced every single lemon and then put the juice in a Ziploc bag, a regular old Ziploc, and then put it in the freezer. Now she used the freezer that was in our garage that my father used for Fresca and beer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she took out all the fresca and the beer and just stocked it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, I mean, it, I'm not ex, it was bags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what the fuck are we going to do with all the fucking lemon juice? I mean, I don't even need this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what happened was, so she took the lemon, she made lemon cakes, lemon juice, lemon bars, lemon, lemon, she used everything, and then she went back home to Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we had these bags and sure enough my dad actually ended up making lemonade a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was a good thing and we used them for years, like years later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Certainly is, Tom, but what a pain in the ass to make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate lemon cake, or lemon meringue. I hate lemon, or key lime pie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mary, you know what my dad would pack for my lunch, for a san- uh, uh, lunch? It would be butter and jam. Strawberry jam and butter for a sandwich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, and then a can of ravioli, Chef Boyardee, it would be like orange, electric, that pasta, I like that, I still like it, I would still eat it if I knew it wasn't terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm terrified he's gonna be, his fingers are gonna be in all the sockets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. I already told our nanny to make food for him so that you don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I had a friend who, in college, would light his hand on fire when we were drunk as a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying, I'm being serious, Tom. This look in your eyes, the joy, the smile in your eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know boys love to play with fire. I loved to play with fire when I was a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean Sickle Cell, the name that I came up with. You're gonna lead him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yana, you're leading the witness. You're leading him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's going to say you because you're his best friend and you're asking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're, you guys are both, you're texting him right now. Say I, say I made it up. You're texting him right now. You better submit those texts for transcript text to the court. Submit the text to the court.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting, and right around the time the nickname originates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, oh. Oh, you guys weren't friends before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I s- I think it came around the puddin' time. The puddin' era.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. I'm confused. Meaning I'm right. The I originated sickle cell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meaning, I say the name origin dates further back in time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, wasn't that fun? And I remember Ryan seeing you at the cat club and around there, that era.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blue shirt? Are they saying you can pass the fucking blue shirt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why it's rad. Don't you wish somebody could come in and shout at you after bad stand ups?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say, doing this show and that Zebro, I'm used to hearing my shitty voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's a little more subtle. It's not gross. It's not, you know, would you rather eat calm or shit? Like, it's more nuanced, so you have to pay attention, okay? Are you listening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everywhere you go. Everywhere. Meetings. You're on the airplane. You're in the hotel. You're on tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything, everywhere you go, you have to take Bitsy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that means you gotta service animal her, you gotta get a note from her shrink, it's your emotional needs dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You demand that she has her own area in your dressing room and she barks senselessly all the time and wakes you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In your hotel room, woof woof, like she did this morning for no reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's embarrassing, and people think you have fucking mental problems, or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same thing, everywhere you go, every city you go to, everything you do, you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, when you think about it, your parents just degenerate and they get shittier and shittier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like we were taking, we took Alice out last night for dinner and he was sitting...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you, you know, it's interesting. You start in a stroller or you end in a stroller. Someone's pushing you around at the end of the day too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny is that my dad hated being with me too after a couple days. Like in Miami, he would just run away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I couldn't do it, no. Very few people I could spend that much time with. You, my cousin Julie, you know, Shawna, Sarah Burns, like, few people in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Problems. Paralyzed from the ways down and you're dying of laughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I love the funny bone in Des Moines actually. I think it was that tour I did more than the state. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, sorry Des Moines, I took it out on you, or Iowa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we have- I don't fuck with Lincoln. We didn't do our dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause our internet, hold on. Our internet? I'm on one, two, three, fart. Oh. Oh, here we go. September 27th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in, uh, Seattle, technically Tacomaña at the Tacomaña Comedy Club, September 28th in Shartland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Indiana, uhm, Morty's Comedy Club, October 24th. What is Cincinnati again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dumb cunts. DCs and LCs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whatever. This is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, guys, use our, uh, Amazon banner, please. Please, when you do your shopping, that, all that means is you go to our website, yourmomshousepodcast.com, click on the banner at the bottom of our homepage that says Amazon on it, and then you just do your shopping. If you bookmark it, that's really, really easy and that way you'll never have to go to our website over, oh gosh, I see two sluts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll never have to go and do this every time if you bookmark it. Also check out That's Deep Row podcast dot com. I think that's all I have for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was funny. I didn't know I had a love for it until he showed me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like this is the one genre of porn that I would really excel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you can conceive of it in your mind somebody's doing it right now, it exists in the world if you can think of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see I feel like I could really do that for someone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there's more to it than just degradation. There's actual pain. I mean, that's very painful to get carried. Very painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because to me all I hear is like, uh, it's a bad childhood, like it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's so weird that nature created that delicate part of you to be like right out and in between your legs where they can hit


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, primitive man used to run through the forest naked. What if you got your nuts snagged on a twig?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's so, and I know that they hang because they need to be kept a certain temperature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that just seems so stupid for a hunter-gatherer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To have to run with that delicate package in between your legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we'll just have Blue Band Blur it or something. Pixel it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we'll pixelate for YouTube, but you can't deny the listeners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would do it, but I wouldn't want to receive it if I were a boy. I don't have the stanima.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how is that possible? Cause it, don't you need your nuts when you're begocking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why I like it so much? I feel like it's the easiest gig in porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just chill, like, oh, you want me to kick a dude's balls for 20 minutes? How much money is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get paid to do it? That sounds like a real blessing. That and the fart videos. I always think that's like the easy way out of porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, that's so easy. Who cares, my mom's dead, doesn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. Yeah, isn't there a massive health scare? I mean danger?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I've heard of guys where their nuts flipped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they twist essentially. Right. And that's very painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want that to happen. That can happen real easy doing this. It happened during, uh, baseball. He was squatting down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To catch a baseball and his nuts twisted around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe because you like being kicked in the balls!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to do it bad. You can't be too sincere like acting. Get up against the wall and spread your legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be real mean about it. I don't think I could fake the joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the G.G. Allen school of... Yeah, yeah, these guys are like fucking dummies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that I've actually had to stop using that word because I can't figure out if it's stamina or stamina now if I'm making fun of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like when we make fun of all those words and then it gets stuck that way. Like Irregard, Libary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we gotta talk about Corey Feldman going on the Today Show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, that was definitely fun. See now I like IOI, changed my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm not sure what I would do now if I, if I would go on those terrible shows, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I mean the internet exploded with people and I feel like we don't usually touch these big important stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like we need to really get into it and analyze what is happening here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, cause, so Corey Feldman went on the Today Show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's been making music since, you know, the late 80s, early 90s. Did you know that? That he went on, uhm, like Howard Stern's television show and sang a song in 1992 about like the youth of today and stuff. It was so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh. Can I finish my- Sorry, it just came in. I got one that's the other day that says, thanks, we finished 10 minutes ago, smiley face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn it, I fucking miss my shots. So anyways, Corey Feldman, his mentor was Michael Jackson. We all know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the guy finally came out and said that yes, an MJ, what he would do is have his assistants reach out to these families.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And be like, hey, do you want to come hang out at Neverland? And then he would...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, show them the roller coasters and all the cool stuff and the parents would hang out with MJ and he would win their trust kind of like, you know, oh, isn't it great? And then he would have the assistant reach out to the parents and ask if their kid could come to Neverland and spend the night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then these idiot parents would let their kids spend the night with Michael Jackson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course he was molesting. Doesn't it seem crazy now to think that people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like, no, he's not doing that. Of course. He's not, he just likes to sleep with young children. He just likes to sleep with little boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No he's not. Are you having a hard time finding this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, buckle up guys, if you haven't heard this, this is Corey Feldman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can see the insanity ramping up. Like you can tell that Cory's off, he's got a hood on, like a dark hoodie, and you can see the look in his eye isn't normal. It's not normal what's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like gangbanger art, where it's angelic number two, the gore, and it's got that like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, handwriting font, whatever that cursive font. It looks like it was made at the mall, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've got garter belts on, they'll, like, sluts. Slut angels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the Halloween costume version for women. This is like what all these...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, right. Right. But that, yeaah, that's a lot better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, really? That one's terrible, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you're, if you're debuting like a hip, cool song, is the Today Show where you do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Millions of people. How did he get on here? You think he had a publicist or somebody?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, the music's not that shitty. Like, how is that any shittier than the shitty things they play on the radio?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just as shitty as anything else. I think it's the, it's the dancing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, you know when a six year old is like, mommy, mommy, watch me dance. Mommy, look, look at my dance mommy. That's what he's doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also like the host who's like, uh, I had a Corey Feldman poster on my wall. Like, wait, you're a dude though. Unless you like dudes, did you have other dudes on your wall growing up, really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, definitely, uh, Nick Hawk. I think Nick Hawk is the worst. This isn't that bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's interesting that Corey always chose late 80s MJ versus the early to mid. I always thought this was MJ's least, uhm, attractive era. I like him with shorter hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, black or white. Yeah. That fa- yeah. Yeah, interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he tweeted out, he's like, I guess, you know, everyone's talking about us, I guess the angels and I did our job. Like, he doesn't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, that's what I'm, that's what I'm thinking is that maybe it's time to, you know, throw in the towel here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I think it might be? Because he got famous so young that it's like kind of an arrested development thing. Like he stopped developing at like six years old, you know, and he's kind of stuck in this age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just such a shock, it really was like such a weird thing for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You listen to The Secret, or you listen to Tony Robbins, and they're like, Keep going, no matter what!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Moving right along. Yeah. Can I ask you your advice on something? Sure. Can I pick your brain on something? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I had violent diarrhea for like the next day. I just had really hot, sour diarrhea. Are you listening to me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, here's what I noticed happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was pooping and it was really hot and it burned a lot and I noticed that every time I'm done making diarrhea, I have to pee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot like the yellow, brown, yellow phenomenon, but this time, every time I have diarrhea, I have to pee afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird cause when I sit down to brown, I make pee all the time. Like I already pee before I brown. So it's, I'm empty. But then why when I make diarrhea, there's always a yellow thereafter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's something to do with heat. Like, your body losing heat or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I didn't have the standama to, to not eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you did? Stanema. Stanema. See and it sounds bad when Stevie says it. Yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did something gross this week too. Uh, we were hanging out with the dogs, and you, you were sitting on this chair in the, in our bedroom, and you called Bitsy over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I knew it was coming, cause I saw you pose for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You farted on Bitsy's head but your legs were spread open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bitsy, uh, had her beard pulled yesterday by Ellis. So hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you farted in Bitsy's face. And it was neat because I got to witness and I saw the ramp up, I knew what you were going to do. And I was like, are we just totally


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you had unboxers too, so there's only one layer separating


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard it this morning, it didn't sound good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta do it. But it's cleaned up since you've changed your diet a bit. I know. You haven't been eating fried foods or many carbohydrates, so that's an interesting thing to know. No sugar. No sugar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except yeaah, so this morning it kinda went...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except for this morning, the brown sounded really explosive and I wonder why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was interesting. I went to Silver Lake, uh, to have lunch with a friend and it was like taking a tour of all the restaurants from my past that I got diarrhea from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's interesting how many places on the east side I used to get diarrhea from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It used to be a French place, I can't remember the name of it. La Pubelle? No, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's on, uh, Hillhurst. You know where Mexico City, that restaurant is? I've got diarrhea there so many times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yuccas would give me a lot of farts, but that's my absolute favorite Mexican place and all of Los Angeles is Yuccas in Los Feliz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a stand in a parking lot and a bearded Mexican lady takes your order and writes it on a bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She sits out and takes orders. It's her recipes, I think. But it was like a tour of everywhere I'd gotten sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cafe Stella, remember we took Maria there years ago?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she got diarrhea in the bathroom as we were eating there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was real a special treat that we, we went out, we don't really go out to eat that much anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, the kid sleeps at seven and by then we're just so tired. All we can do is watch, you know, an episode of, uh, flipping out on Bravo TV and then I fall asleep by nine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am exhausted every day. I'm exhausted to the bone. You had your beard trimmed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you know it's happening but you're like hoping against hope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is fun. Well you came home and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that was the worst. Dude, you got fucked, like he fucked your beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's way better. It's grown a week. I mean, your beard grows so fast, thankfully, that it wasn't too long looking like a dick, but, dude, that guy jacked you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, you know, I went to my regular masseuse and, uh, she's like, do you want to try Reiki? And I'm like, I asked her, I go, does it feel nice? She goes, yeah, some people think, think it feels nice. You know, I wanted a massage, really. I didn't want to try Reiki, but, but I kind of. I'll roll with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hated it. Cause it's like one of those things where they just touch you. They touch your chakras or whatever the fuck and I fell asleep. I went through phases of sleep, anger, rage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like stop fucking touching me, like just fucking rub me, like let's go. And I really like her, and you know, we just decided to try something different, so I had to pretend like I really enjoyed


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and she goes, uh, so I see her later, the Reiki lady. I saw her like a couple weeks later. And she's like, so how did you, how did you feel? Uh, did you have any weird dreams? I was like, oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like spirituality and I like shitting, so I'm on board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I got real disappointed, I got real angry. It'll anger you. If you try Reiki...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You will fucking go ballistic. It's so horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She literally just touched my, uh, my head. For like 15 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it went on for so long, it was a full hour of just soft touches. You did that for an hour? Yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's terrible. It's too long. If I wanted to take a nap, I could have stayed home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I told it to you, I don't wanna... I just gotta write it down for next time, for your dad. I gotta tell him this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, can I bring up a dad thing real quick then? Of course. Remember, uhm, were you here when my dad, no you weren't here. My dad came to visit with my cousin Julie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was watching Ellis play on his little thing that he runs in circles on, this little toy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my dad goes, you know, uh, pretty soon, you're going to have to start hitting him. I go, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, yeah, I mean, you know, he's going to get a little older and they get a little out of line. Sometimes you just gotta hit a kid. That's what they tell you. It's good. He goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dr. Tony Grant used to say this, you have to hit the kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but he would give me, he'd spank, my parents were spankers, they would hit me with a wooden spoon, a fokonal is what they call it in Hungarian. A wooden spoon and spanks, yea. My dad would spank my ass as a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all fucked up. It's like stuck in there and then his body's turned that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus I like the other dudes talking shit to him. That's kinda my favorite part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I think so, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's like, aww, look, even that guy's being a little like, aww, you're a little drunk in English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, not that guy. That guy doesn't want his abs touched at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the sound Americans use for the letter R. Now listen to this sentence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ohio, at Go Bananas. So doing one-nighter shows. Get your tickets at thousandranch.com. That's spelled out T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sorry, I gotta pull. Okay, uhm, oh, I just love this product. I now, my entire underwear drawer is overtaken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at your summer dog haircut, looking good. Both of you got summer dog cuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Phenom, right? They should be more open minded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, what's that football player you and AJ were talking about? That guy that has like 40 kids?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't it, isn't it interesting now that we have a child?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great. So this video was actually sent, uh, by my friend Shauna, who lives in New York. Yeah. Well, she sent it to me. I don't know. Blue band also picked it up, but Shawnee sent this apparently and she goes, look what's happening in my city right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys bragged and that's how you get caught. That's how the killers always get caught.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we've done this before and then he knows the story and then he makes up some shit too. We need a polygraph, that's the only way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my favorite. I love drinking with, in public with people. I love going out with the general public and standing in parks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, I like America and I love our independence. I don't like to go anywhere where there's groups of people drinking, staring at the sky, stepping all over me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, here's a listen. Yeah, I don't think it's as big as this is the biggest thing we got this victory with Richard here. I think we didn't plan on prompted. This is just this guy's brilliant work here. I feel like you can't really top this dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm waiting and I already have a comeback. You and I have been talking in private behind closed doors about a possible retaliation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear what he said? That he, he drinks gallons of water to expand the stomach. That's how they train. You'd think they train by eating. It's not that. It's, it's they train the stomach muscle because that's what it is. So they expand it a few weeks before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now Kobayashi was really good at it because he was physically fit and he would train his stomach too. He was really good at it. But then there was some weird thing with the league in him with Kobayashi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For her eating something toxic, uh, after Saturday night, we fed her dinner and, uh, she was running around the backyard with a fief and she ran into a rose bush and just like kept on rolling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And her little legs, her hind legs kind of collapsed under her and she was woozy and she wouldn't respond to us and she just looked like sick, like this dog was no good. So we throw her in the car, we cancel our plans for the night, we go to the ER, the doggy ER of course, and what happens is we park. What happens?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But thank god that saved us about a thousand dollars in, you know, dog ER. You know, cause they pull that bullshit on you like, oh, we should keep it here overnight and give it an IV and all this nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. And I did an episode of That's Deep Row on him this week. It's already dropped if you want to hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I get really into him, so I researched Dan, I read his website, I read his ebook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched all the videos I could. He's basically an old school, he's my dad's age. So he's just old school like military guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you have 50 billion? You're not even enjoying it. Your wife probably can't stand it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now my father literally said those words to me. Your friend is a goddamn loser. This guy is a fucking loser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go, he's my new hero. He's crazy, it's great. I just, you know what it is, I do miss, I miss these people. I miss this time of our dads, like guys that just say shit. They're gone, they're gone. Everybody's so afraid of hurting people's fucking feelings and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy's kinda right about a lot of stuff. You hanging out with losers, you're gonna be a loser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's super intense. By the way, uhm. Super fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could even show you, and I will just, I've saved the voicemails, hold on. I saved the Persian lady. These are, this is my real phone, this is not a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This says Persian lady. This is, this is, just hide the top number, that 818 number, if you could discreetly kind of push it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what it is with Salome is that she has this person's, she has Salome's old number, which is my number, and maybe Salome's new number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I've done that, haven't you done it like your dad's old number and you don't even look at it. It's just the contact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's reacting to his sister farting, and it's not real, we don't play it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, uhm, also update, there is a cookie thief in the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, your uncle Dave, we saw your family yesterday, and he handed me two special cookies that he brought from Ohio, and they were wrapped. Special wedding cookies, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked and there was just a wrapper with no cookie inside, just sitting on the credenza in the living room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you think the nanny snuck in last night around 9pm? Ate that cookie and left the wrapper on the credenza?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just can't believe that somebody had the audacity to rummage through my purse. Cause we never, I never discussed the cookies with anybody. Uncle Dave gave them to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're also negotiating rates with Feef on the double pipe classic shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once a day. I don't think my dad really gave me a lot of praise. Clearly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's horrible that they ask you how you feel after you've lost a game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's my new favorite. Him and Allen Iverson talking about practice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Top Dog and I, we took that cruise in Cincinnati on the river that day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause your Uncle Dave is anti-social like me too, and I saw him sitting on the couch and I thought, oh, he's going to stay behind and we can bullshit a little bit. I didn't want to go on a walk because the problem is one man's idea of what a walk is, is a hike to another man. So how do I know what I'm getting into?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just thought like, why do I have to do everything everyone else is doing? And then I felt pressured, cause then your other cousin was like, are you okay? I'm like, I'm fine, I'm great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With your Uncle Dave. They're like, who wants the car? I'm like, me. I got in that car as fast as I could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I guess all things considered, it's a pretty cheap habit to have, correct?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The jelly, the gel already, you bought the trays, you bought the gel, you never bothered committing to whitening them. I've whitened them before. You've done it like three times in the last two years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is pronation at the wrist. The thumb is tucked under and a cortical fist. So this is the position.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Postured into the corticosteroid posture, the lowest remedy is a circumducted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, I think I made a pretty big statement, you know, I'm not even ranked, so I couldn't tell you if, even if there was rankings from 1 to 50, you know, I couldn't tell you where I was at, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, you know, I finished him in the first round. You know, and uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, it's not like I don't, you know, I, I see stuff on the, on the media and the internet, you know, and comments, you know, when, when UFC post stuff and FightPass was posting stuff and I see the comments of fans like, you know, who is this guy? Who is he?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so, you know what that reminds me of? A goth song I used to dance to. By, uh, Visage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, here we go first. Okay, I'll start off. Uhm, September 27th. Hold on, you got me by surprise, you never let me go first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Portland, yeaah. October 4th, Dallas, Tejas. What's Dallas? Phallus. October 5th, Pustin, duh. Texas, the secret group. Juustin. Texas, the secret group. October 23rd, Indianapolis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then October 24th, uh, since he shat on me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are great. Go bananas. And then uh, December 9th and 10th, Washington DC at the DC Improv. All tickets are at thousandthranch.com. Don't you hate when people say Washington?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Schnitzel's obsessed with licking blue band right now. It's pretty funny. What kind of bird seed did you eat this morning in that hand?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You farted a lot and I smelled it through my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I've been doing a lot of smoothie work lately, a lot of, uhm, smoothies, and that, that's been helping me. Cleaning up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just, right, and just for the women listening, you can say no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is why we were so excited to go in and try it and we got a babysitter and all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brings you what he selects. So we're like, great, let's keep it coming, bro. Like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what happened was everything was great. It was great. Amazing. But they parceled it out like two bites at a time. They're like, here's two more bites. And you're like, I'm fucking, let's eat, man. What are we going to eat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right! That's how I felt, like they were throwing us scraps, and I had to eat it so fast to get a no in the next one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We order like a trough. I need, I need, I need them to just keep dropping the plates, you know? So that the table's just covered in snoosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I mean this, in all seriousness, had a full meal, and then I was ready to go to In-N-Out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went out with your dad for dinner. So we had dinner with your folks, just the four of us, two nights in a row. Everybody left after Elissa's baptism and your parents stayed behind for a couple days. And we had them over at the house one night and the next night we went out. And what I noticed was your dad,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Killing and death. Actually, three favorites.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wonder that's where you get it from. That's your love of murder and stuff. Now it makes sense. You're becoming your dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How gross is my vagina now that I've had a child? Like how disappointing is it now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blue Man, you're of this generation. Your friends are sending their dick pics everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, from what I understand, a lot of women don't care about the dick pic. I personally don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not that I didn't tell this on the air, but I actually used to give a girl from high school a ride home every day whose dad was in the band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Cause I feel like I got my life and I feel like I'm ready to get my life. How about you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's a very specific audience that this appeals to, and he's going to find it. He's going to find it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like his background choice. I like his audio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, I see myself, I could do that, but I don't, I don't know. I don't need it to be sexual for somebody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a very, it's a very specific world to inhabit. You gotta know a lot of lingo, there's a lot of, a lot of stuff you have to buy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but to our last episode where the guy was saying women want smaller balls, it's a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little dead behind the eye is what they add. Come on. This is your dick you're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna buy me, uhm, Nick, uh, AJ Hawks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So sexual, like they, they, they're comfortable making videos that the world can see. Is that just me being uptight, Jeans? About? Just about life, that I don't make videos about stuff that I like. If like, if I were single, I don't think I could make videos like that and be like, hey guys, who's into spanking or? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the different patois in there, that's so wild, dude. That's so, I still feel like that's a crazy one, but I still feel like the Irish people are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking the same thing. We're kind of built the same way, like I'm real muscular too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, when I did the ice house this weekend, uhm, people were shouting that I was the water champion. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I've done Billings Montana. You have? Oh yea, on a triple run. A triple run yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're an international, if you're in, uhm, Africa, if you're in the Netherlands, if you're in, uh, Eastern Europe somewhere, Asia, and, and give me like an international bird is fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do love me some Czechs. You know what I like though? There's always one shitty piece in the Czechs mix. Do you know what I'm talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't like the pretzel piece, I like the waffle thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The poster's really, really cool. The artwork is a maze on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very good. Sky Higgins, thank you. I was trying to play this song by John Reed. It's called Barf Stiffler is Fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Thank you both guys, John and Guy. Uhm, big week for the two of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your man, uh, T-Buns, I'm going to Fran Mandisco, one of the big mommy areas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty crazy what happened. Five shows sold out at Cobb's. So we added a show. Thursday, late, ten o'clock show. It is already, at the time of this recording, half sold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To see me, uhm, real quick, I will tell you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your boy is then going to judo or kitties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Caroline's next week. Saturday is sold out. So there's two Friday, one Thursday. Then, I got some suggestions for Raleigh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, North Carolina, Good Night Comedy Club, November 4th and 5th, that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then Louisville, Kentucky, you know, Loserville, and that came from a native. They said Loserville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We added a fourth show at the Trocadero Theater in Philadelphia, November 18th and 19th, I'm there. And then West Fart Beach, Smelly Balls Beach, Florida, the Palm Beach Improv, December 2nd and 3rd. Jeanne, this week you go on Sunday, I think, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Improve. Improve. Gotta get better, you know? That's the whole point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever you do, this is good advice. You're staying on top of it. Holiday shopping sneaks up on you, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And messages everyday about people asking for access to old episodes


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a long time ago, I don't even remember why, but we put like a lock limit for iTunes to I think the past, the most recent 100. And really didn't think much of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just go like, okay, that's what it is. But everyday people go, how can I get other episodes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see that so much that today I was like, babe, will you unlock, just put no limit on them? And you're like, okay, sure. Dude, I don't know if you've checked your feed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I didn't realize that would happen. Yeah, I didn't consider that. I thought it was like a cool thing that you'd be like, oh great. Shit. I didn't think about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I liked it. Have you seen her? No. But, that does also have to exist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the reason that a guy in power thinks he can do that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, they go like, I'll just do that to everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I'm just saying, maybe she does. That might be the highlight of her life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is another thing to point out before we go further. That was a burp in my throat. Isn't that sound horrible? It was like one of those things in your, like the bubble burst here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is a big chips in a bowl announcement. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] October 21st, here is a current run down real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New Orleans, Atlanta, Clearwater, Tallahassee, Milwaukee, Madison, Minneapolis, Las Vegas, Huntington, New York, Montclair, New Jersey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Atlantic City, Bethlehem, PA, Boston, Green Bay, Royal Oak, Chicago, Washington DC, Pittsburgh, Burlington, Vermont, San Jose, Seattle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, cities, I will not add shows. Uh, some of the venues are big, and I'm just trying to get them, but if they fill up, they're gone. So, I'm really excited. I've never done a theater tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of these are theaters, there's only a couple clubs. Uh, and by the way,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also wanted to do this during the episode and explain this part. I know I'm going to get hit up for cities that aren't there, and uhm, they're, you're not being left out. It's just not part of the initial


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's going to be Canadian, uhm, I'm working on a UK thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm working on my Australia. So these are all things I'm trying to do. Anyways, we'll move on, but I wanted to tell everybody that's a big, that's a big deal for me. Big announcement. And, uh, that's why you got so many chips in your bowl. Jeans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got tested though. I actually don't have a food allergy. I got negative on everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I also have to push my colonoscopy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I, you know, if I drink milk, I'll feel sick, but I don't actually have real...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, here's why I'm not going on the 27th, because I have to fly to New York now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing Ron Bennington Unmasked. If you're in New York, it's free to go to, uhm, the 27th, I think, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know yet, they made an announcement so I know I can talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno. Something's wrong. Why's that dog barking so crazy right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but what could, like right now she's so fired up, what could that be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she's in there, but she was just barking at the gate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The new additional translation has come through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we got multiple people wrote in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have my buddy Slaymon who translated for me on Instagram, but you have this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the sheet here, I'll just read it from here, it says uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello hi, hello hi, how are you? I went and got that picture. It's with that woman. I just wanted to tell you this whore that sells her body and is using heroin, this crazy miserable bitch that wants to shred me to pieces


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wants to destroy me. This lady just wants to destroy me. I just wanted to save her money. I said I have a friend who's single here and he can send it in just a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went and got the pictures and the passport and the ID cards are ready. Whenever you can, I'll come and give you the money too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take this fucking whore out of my life, please Salome, please. This low life whore, miserable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell her you're paying for your actions, you poor idiot. Salome, tell her you're paying for your actions. Anybody that does you any good, you wanna shred them to pieces. You do this, and you keep having to pay for it, motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They think we're just living in a castle and all happy anyways. Talk, bye to you soon. Talk to you soon, bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Ali, uh, Shabani. Thank you. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wrote this, I go, man this is unbelievable to, to slay my, he said of course she doesn't really complete her thoughts, they're so choppy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is most shocking is she uses really vulgar language. Especially for an older person. And while the curse words translate literally to whore or bitch, the words in Farsi are really vulgar. Like she says, which you guys caught onto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a bad word. It literally translates to pussy stretcher, aka whore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Curious who is ripping her off. Last time it was about real estate, this time it's passport and pictures.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, anyways, thank you guys for the translations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she doesn't, I know, that, that was really rare though. When you told me that she was calling, I go, oh, this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what you, what you sent. I'm trying to figure out what to play. Uhm, cause you sent some great stuff. Oh, I also wanted to point this out. I was talking to you about this. I did a Burt cast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With Bert, Bertrand, and Wilfred Burr, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were, you know, just a regular podcast talking. I told this story about this lady I know, a friend of mine knows, works with someone who blew the Wu-Tang Clan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at the time, she voluntarily did it. Anyways, I tell the story, and to summarize, my friend works at a music venue, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time when the Wu-Tang Clan came to play there,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lady he was working with was like, I'm gonna get on that bus. I'm gonna like, suck and fuck some Wu-Tang guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, are you sure you wanna do that? You know, and, and she-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, you know, it's like, it's kind of like that uhm, I don't think he's being a protective friend, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, she says yes. She goes on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bus, she's in there for a while, comes back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And pretty soon thereafter, you know, she's, uh, she's gets emotional and she goes, you know, that was pretty terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, well, what happened? She's like, you know, I blew all of them. And, and, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she said, and he goes like, you know, they hurt you? And she was like, no, they were just so mean, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my philosophy. Of course. You're talking about, don't forget, on the groundbreaking first Wu-Tang album, Enter the 36 Chambers,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a sketch and interstitial between songs that goes, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very, very accurate and very true. And that's also-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those guys, like you pointed out, also talk about blasts and the whole head fucking blown out on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nine's the original number, so, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made a couple jokes telling that story to Bert and Burr. I told, you know, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was probably like, oh man, even you got, like I gotta blow Capadonna too, like, you know, it's like almost, I mean, you know, Cap's not even original, but you know what I mean, like the not as famous members. Sure. Anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the story. She got really emotional because they were real mean. And then later on she was kind of, I think the next day, like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do I need to- I think I told them too, like, in the story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do I need to call the authorities? Implying, was there a crime committed? And she's the one that said, oh, I volunteered for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well anyways, I think this is hilarious, okay? And I laughed a lot telling the story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How mean they could have been, like I imagine


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ghost face killer can say some really fucked up shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet Raekwon was like probably eating as he was getting his dick sucked and then like food fell, like he was probably eating like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So, shit like that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even in the story, like, I'm telling the story with notes now, but when I told the story,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Originally, I told it with the details of this person volunteering and making it clear that it was consensual. But there's still people saying like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, just to make it clear, there was not even, there was such a clear point made that this wasn't, uhm, sexual assault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean first of all, I would look for a band that has less than nine members. I mean, she went for like the highest amount of dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think also that this lady was thinking about, it was too much, that's a really good point too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she may have been watching honestly some videos and been like, oh, this will be like, like, look at, look at all the fun people are having, you know, that's the, like, like porno, like, like she's watching like, oh, everyone's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like this is, what a thrill this is for everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get in there and you're playing with the big boys, you're playing the major league ball, and then all of a sudden it's like some rapper sitting on your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adele, hello, one singer, sting. He's all tantric though, he'd be like, you're gonna blow me for 16 hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are those guys? The boy band One Direction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd spit on those little dicks. I think they're four, but like, they're gonna come quick. That's the whole point, they're gonna come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's an intense move to start off doing that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean like, even for a groupie, like a girl who's like, you know what, I wanna, like more power to you, but to start with the Wu-Tang Clan, that's a really aggressive plan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you start with a solo artist, you know, Wiz Khalifa. Just go to somebody who, just, he's alone. You know, maybe him and a DJ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, man. Anyways, also thank you, many thanks. Can I tell you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, he's a Colombian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's embarrassing that you have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No sodium, no sugars, especially water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, is, is talking like a person who eats and drinks what he wants and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, if you had the choice of a liqueur or something with sugar, you probably do want the sugar. But when you cut sugar out of your life, this is the best it can be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I, uh, Blue Band, as you guys know, he's still with us, but he's not here. He's doing, he's building nests in all these different trees across the city. And I asked him to pull these for us, jeans, uhm, some great PSAs. I love PSAs. I've always loved PSAs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of these are really amazing. I haven't seen them all. I've only seen a couple. But I wanted to show you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The old ones are the best. The old ones, you know why? They don't pull any punches. That's why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I'm just making an observation to our, our YouTube viewers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're still seeing the old board. I ordered an actual another board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why it hasn't been replaced, because people have messaged me things. I thought you got a new board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did get a new board, and I got another board, I gotta send back the second board. That's the story. Okay? Alright, here we go. Genes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the little British boy was like, I can't go in there. And then the little girl was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also kind of like you realize how today's commercials, even PSAs, are 15 seconds. They've actually given him screen time of getting stuck to get into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Family times, whatever, family times is over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god. We're just pushing in on a sweet little dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a dog, like this dog's beautiful dog, and then all of a sudden, a handgun comes into frame, pointed at the dog's face. Yeah, of course, he's like, what the fuck is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they don't fuck around. Little bit. More direct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. Well, I know that the uhm, you know, they don't like stuff like uh, have a nice day. I've heard that a bunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they think that that's so, um, condescending. Definitely Eastern Blocker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I know, I know a certain person in your life was not a fan of that at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really funny to me, cause you know what, to me, I never thought one way or the other about it, like I never said it, it's not my parting way of, you know, it's not an expression I part with, but it also never really registered, but it's really funny to me to think about it bothering somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You know, we actually had, um, a drop. Do you remember Carla?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think you told me that once and I laughed for an entire day straight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, because we were just talking about like the wild shit she would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have a nice fucking day. And I did laugh so hard because it's outrageous. Can I tell the story why? Of course, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's old school. Uhm. KISS ME!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I heard, I heard that at that first, first- She was racist with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First lunch. Like, she didn't even do the, like, let me gauge how you feel about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just, she just went for it. Dude, that lunch was really like, it was very eye opening. Interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shootin' the shit, and I could tell that, you know, he was like, he was old world, just like, just a old school guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, okay, I knew what I was getting with him. Your mom was much more unpredictable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would know because she is unpredictable, you know, like that's- Crazy person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, but I did not know what was, I didn't know really what was happening there. But in a weird way, I kind of understood, I thought I understood your mother as being this eccentric, foreign,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of go like, oh, this is what she meant by that and this is what she meant by that. And no, no, no, that's, that's how she is. Especially to somebody really American, you know, like with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, she's also much more expressive and animated, is also a thing that I related to with your mother. My mother's very animated, so your mother, I saw her as, well first, my mother does not curse, so that part was really amusing to me, that you're like, this fucking, she was like, this cunt had blooming days, and I was like, woah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, stop, cuz I gotta tell you this. I don't know if I ever tell you this, that's the first time I really felt like I wrapped my head around what you grew up with, is when you told me


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You talked a lot of shit and you're like, yeah, okay. Like I, he had a big personality is what you're saying. But you told me a story. You go, yeah, you know, my, my mom, my stepdad, they were, they were nuts. And I'm like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go, like, you know, in parking lots, like, he would talk, you know, talk shit to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go one time this guy, like they fought over a parking spot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, then my stepdad stabbed his tires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so, like, that's really when I go like, ohhhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's such, uh, I mean, I can see, uh, that's that being someone's story from when they were in college. I was fucking nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was a 40-something, maybe 50-something old man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so, it's so outrageous. That actually was one of the first stories where I was like, oh, she's, she really did grow up with some not normal shit at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll tell you, I thought about that story for a minute. I was like, what in the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing is I think they found each other. They did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the other one I remember. 10 years ago, you told me the story. You're like, this kid was crying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's other people that definitely relate to that, but what I'm saying is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of them and you should know that that's not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All that stuff, a lot of it, you know, it's, see the thing is you're lucky that you don't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See that as the way to be, cause there's people that get raised like that and then they go, I'm gonna go stab some tires. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're like, oh, this is really kind of holding it together here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see if, uh, let's see if he would, maybe this is something he would relate to here. Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So basically everybody is sitting around the breakfast table it looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having a conversation that we can decipher 4% of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the screen goes to black and it says...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you keep quiet about gun crime, it's like pulling the trigger yourself. Well I should say that right before that, she shot this youngest child in the head at the kitchen table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. She shot a young child in the head at breakfast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it says, if you keep quiet about gun crimes, try pulling the trigger yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude that, and they're not really not fucking around in the UK with these. That's not even that old, that's 2006.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so far by the way, the gun one is by far the worst. Yea, it's pretty shitty. It's really terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll make a deal with you. If your kite gets stuck in a power line,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I'll get you a new kite. You don't have to climb up the power line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think everybody should tell their kid that. I'll buy you two new kites. Don't worry about it. Five. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If anything's ever in a power line, you get more of them. Never go get them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, man. Babies don't get baby. Of course. Stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, what I think most people probably go is like, oh, I just need to dial it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, remember we saw how we watched his new movie and we were trying to guess his age?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that part. Well, they, they did some, some computer stuff on it in, for the latest film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I thought I had to get that. Okay, can I read this now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. I also didn't know. Does that look familiar to you or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a photo of two bottles of water post show in Portland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, she did have two bottles of water with her attached as a photo of what they looked like at the end of the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of pussies in this argument right now. It's just not happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, hello mommies, can't help but notice that over the past few months, Tom has continuously postponed his required colonoscopy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A few episodes back I was ecstatic to discover that Tom rescheduled the date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your gift, your family, the gift of a perfect colon health on the 21st birthday, on my 21st birthday of October 27th, I'll drink one for you. Doesn't say who that's from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but thank you and I will, I will not do it on the 27th because I will not be here, but I will reschedule again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're not a dummy, but I think you understand that there's a better, there's a better way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So our teeth are still not... It's embarrassing that we do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but it's time to, to show people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is one of your greatest discoveries. Was this sent in or did you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, the ten dollar smile, like over the phone, uh, what's it called? Made to order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oof, man, uhm. Well, keep playing it. Well, I know, but I just wanted to show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at the top, he's got the million dollar smile on top. And then the eight dial, eight dollar smile on the bottom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody who puts in those flippers, they, they don't smile normal, they go like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like a friend of mine's mother actually. She's really crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, listen. Listen. I don't want to hear about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How you can't afford cosmetic dentistry. I wanna hear about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have debt because you had cosmetic dentistry. That's the right answer. I have debt, but I fixed my teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things that people see with their eyes when they look at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like he backs up the forklift that drops off the million dollar smile of pallets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did this lady do here on top?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're, I think they were showing, they were trying to show an extreme at the beginning and they had multi-tiered prices of cosmetic work done. So it's gotta be just infinitely less. I'm going with $40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, and they're trying to tell you, do that for your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do that in replacement of teeth. Spend forty or sixty dollars. No man. You make it happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to the Philippines, they have teeth. Go get it done there. Get a boat and sail over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And don't forget the cash thing. A buddy of mine did this with a pregnant wife. He let his health insurance lapse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finds out his wife's pregnant with twins. He's in a full panic. He goes to these different doctors with cash and goes, I don't have insurance, but if I pay you cash, will you do X, Y, and Z? And they all said yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, and if you're like, dude, I'm broke. And I understand that we're speaking from a very ableist. Ableist. Yes. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always, like when I was a broke ass opening act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still had dental work done. Put it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's for your down years. So if you're in your broke years now, you go ahead and you get a discover card.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you throw a couple grand on it and you'll pay it off eventually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. What if they offered that? We're gonna fix your teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just clicked on that, and it didn't even say, uhm, let's see. I went to Million Dollar Smile, and it was for a teeth whitener. It's like a different, by Perfect Smile veneers. Okay, let me try again. Million Dollar Smile, Perfect Smile veneers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, perfect smile. Okay. It's called, it's perfect smile teeth. Wow. Buy one, get one. $14.99.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, you get two for fifteen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course she does. You think she became slutty because of her teeth? In other words, did she overcompensate for how she felt about this by being slutty? Because she has like a slutty time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do not wear perfect smile when eating. But yet they plug that you wear it on a date. Oh, right. Multiple times, even showed someone on a date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, this is the biggest red flag. I mean, it's obvious. It's 15 bucks, but they're like, wear it on a date and then I just won't eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's designed to be worn frequently. Remember to take it out at night when eating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then if you wear it all over again, it's one size fits all for your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Well, I don't know, maybe I should try it. You want to try it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you just fart? No. I'm doing select one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, guess what? Shipping and handling is $13.98 and the thing is $14.99.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it says seven, but I think it's because there's an additional one in there, it goes up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you want to have nice teeth or not? Sometimes you gotta pay the price. Alright, I just put it in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. And I'm telling you, I wouldn't encourage this, but now I do. Uh, it's okay to spend the money, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it sucks, it costs a fortune. We had a lot of debt when you did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'd actually, I didn't even blink. When you're like, I gotta get my teeth done. I was like, yeah, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hard genes, uhm, anything else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's really... You know, Pastor Manny, we've played him before. He's, uhm, what's wrong with you, what's wrong with y'all, right?


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[Assistant] The only thing that's like, really outrageous, because this guy is such a hateful, homophobic lunatic, the only thing that always blows my mind is that he has actual followers.


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[Assistant] Uh, I don't know if it's Brooklyn, it's in New York for sure, but he...


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[Assistant] He has people that fought, like he is the lead pastor at a lot of, you know, for a lot of people and it's...


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[Assistant] I don't know man, it's really, really, really nuts that this is their, this is the guy they look to. To teach. You know, he's a teacher essentially.


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[Assistant] Maybe he's in Harlem? Harlem. Right? There we go. The Atla organization.


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[Assistant] Thank you for making me play that, babe. That's really cool. Thank you for putting that on the list. Really neat.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, and snaves and stuff cut that together.


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[Assistant] Absolutely bombarded your feeds. We did it with, with good intentions in our hearts. And...


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[Assistant] We'll begin, uh, in January. Tickets go on sale this Friday the 21st.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and uh, I think that's that. That's it.


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[Assistant] And we'll see you next week. Don't forget, uh, Crescenza, Cincinnati, and Indian Appletits, uh, starting Sunday. Indian Appletits Sunday.


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[Assistant] Very famous. And then the 22nd, I'm at Melrose, the improv comedy club. Come to that one, if you will, on the 22nd. It's kind of an important show for me. I'd appreciate support. I can't say what it is, but just know it's a big show business.


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[Assistant] Meet Rattle Tacoma? Tacomanya? Tacomanya Comedy Club and Seattle Tits?


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[Assistant] Oh, that's really good. Yeah, Corcoran, Oregon, 928 and then October 4th in Dallas, which is


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[Assistant] I bet if we went to urinate right now, you and me in separate toilets and looked, mine would be clearer. Therefore,


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[Assistant] The reaction, yeaah. He's phenomenal. Now what I love is that we had Suck My Pussy, which was the Wells Fargo bank lady.


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[Assistant] Uh, why, how come black women are so good at insults? What is that?


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[Assistant] That is so good at that stuff, man. They are? All of them? Absolutely. A black woman will crush you anytime verbally. They're very good. That's true, I went to public school in LA. I was on, this is not happening, look up the story.


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[Assistant] The Comedy Central. Yeah. Rosina Johnson. She can spit some shit like that too.


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[Assistant] That's fucking hilarious. So great. Now the science of this, when this happens to you in public, is that you can't look. Like if you notice, nobody's doing the, holy shit! Like you have to kind of subtly be like, oh shit, oh shit!


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[Assistant] I'm going to take a, I do, I'll take a picture and show you how clear it is though. No, I'm being serious, I really do have to urinate. We just took so long getting ready. Just hit pause, I'll be right back.


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[Assistant] Just look how light the color is. No, I'm serious. Just take note how light the color is.


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[Assistant] Very interesting in the non-binary community. Apparently DJ Dadmouth has been really impacting legislation because non-binary is now a recognized gender in Oregon.


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[Assistant] I'm excited to share it. Well, I'm a little offended personally because what about us astral genders? You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] I kind of did, yeaah. I try not to know it.


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[Assistant] My pronouns are not an option. They're not optional.


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[Assistant] My mother was always naked as we discussed earlier and she'd come out of the shower and she had these big ol' fuckin' milk tits like those, like that cow thing we aired last week, you know?


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[Assistant] And she had a fryer crotch, bright red cooch, and she'd always have her towel on her head. And I just remember looking at her body being like, God, I hope I don't have a mom body like that. And now I'm blessed with the same exact figure, so that's neat.


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[Assistant] I mean, couldn't there just be a box? Here's my preposition to you. Okay, go ahead and propose. Male, female, and then just other?


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[Assistant] I pay attention to Twitter and we've been tweeted at it a thousand times today about it, so.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, thank god. I've been thinking about those guys all week.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't like it. I-I demand more for K-Man. She needs to raise her standards a little bit.


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[Assistant] I know that it's motivated Burt to stop night eating. I have a source. I won't, I won't reveal my source in Chicago. He's at the Improv and I got a text message. Hey, Burt's here. And I go tell him he's fat.


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[Assistant] And my source went, it's funny you mentioned that because he wanted to eat late at night.


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[Assistant] Oh, can we bring up what the panic at the disco sent us?


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[Assistant] It's called like, Make Happy or something. Yep, the new one. He's got a few. I think that's why I won't click on it, cause I'm such a miserable fuck that I'm like, I don't wanna be happy. Let's get, let's watch Anthony Bourdain again.


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[Assistant] He doesn't really, I don't feel like he really grasps how to handle social media.


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[Assistant] Just pull up his Facebook page, if you, if you would. Okay. You gotta look at his beard situation that he's got going. Okay. It's not good. Really? It's not good. And I know you as a beard aficionado,


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[Assistant] We have like a thousand different internet, uh, connections to, lines.


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[Assistant] Oh fair, I'm just, she's the best part of the show. Can you believe that bullshit? No. I mean look, you and I...


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[Assistant] Don't you think it's so, um, forced to do that shit with your spouse all the time?


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[Assistant] Of babies. When you hold them over your head, you gotta be careful, cause they will vomit.


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[Assistant] And it'll hit your face. And I've always been like, should I show them those videos? Nah. And it happened.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it wasn't that gross. Now I don't know if I would have reacted as well as you did. Cause I don't mind cleaning up his shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I agree. I don't, I'm not too traumatized by it. I mean, look, I live in LA. When the time comes, I can get the surgery on my face to fix whatever's fallen.


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[Assistant] Uh, maybe I'll do that. But I don't want to get like big commands. Those look too hard on her body. Is there a way just to get normal looking tits?


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[Assistant] Like to get them higher, but like not hard and weird.


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[Assistant] And we had dinner with him and he's so, uh, down to earth. For someone that's accomplished so much, you wouldn't know. He's so humble.


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[Assistant] Uhm, listen, here's, I got, can we play that clip, uh, Vegas 702? Sure. I've, I've been, I think about it, she sent it to us on Twitter, and it's such a cute little, uh, ditty.


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[Assistant] You know, in 1988 or something like that where I was 12 or 11. I just remember like hours in front of that thing doing commercials for fake products and singing. Like I was...


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[Assistant] We had those Sandys and I think it messed me up too because I took two dumps today.


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[Assistant] Patreon, put that down. You have to say put that down. Put that down! There you go. Okay, are you ready for your would you rather?


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[Assistant] Okay, I wear a diaper. And I poo and I pee in the diaper. And you have to change me.


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[Assistant] Or, every meal you eat, I have to put it in a blender and puree it first, like baby food, and you have to eat that. That's how you eat for the rest of your life.


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[Assistant] I feel like the same thing, like I've already smelled and seen everything.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm saying I would prefer that to pureeing everything I ever eat, because I enjoy eating too much.


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[Assistant] I have to suffer? You're basically saying that I have to suffer.


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[Assistant] You ready? I'm listening. Now this is tailored to you, so you need to pay attention to this, okay? Watch. Okay. Would you rather... Yea? ...have to listen to your dad's stories?


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[Assistant] Tell the same stories. Or you have to tell the same jokes. Oh my. Every night. Well, I would just go to reality. For the next ten years.


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[Assistant] But I mean, all day, every day, your option is, the only communication you have with somebody is with your father, and he tells you the same stories.


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[Assistant] Why don't you just pick a gender? Did you pick a gender? You can't just make up words. Do you think words just grow on trees? All words are made up. So you're gay, right?


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[Assistant] Janes, this Wednesday, uh, June 22nd, actually the day this drops, 8pm, I'm at the Hollywood Improv, September 27th.


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[Assistant] September 27th, 8 p.m. Meet Rabble Washington. How's that one? Good. And to come on your comedy club. Yeah. One night only, one night only, September 28th.


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[Assistant] Eat my ass, Dallas, Texas, at Hyena's Comedy Club.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I fell off the stage here. This is the club I fell off the stage. You did? Yeah. I was coming down and my ankle twisted and I ate shit. Oh jeez. Yeah, it was really fun. I'm excited to go back again. October 5th, Houston, Juuston.


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[Assistant] Sure. What color was your pee this morning? Here, finish your sippy.


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[Assistant] Whatever. You don't even know this yet, I haven't told you, but...


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[Assistant] I don't know, but I'm telling you that I am sick of the attacks on social media and finally this video will prove who is the real water drinking champion.


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[Assistant] Well Tom, I decided to surveil your actual water drinking habits.