[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The great, the mighty, the powerful, the hilarious, Russell Peters is here everybody. Did you read that? Yep, I read it right in the camera. It's in the camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's good to see you man. Hi Tommy. Hi, it's good to see you brother. You too. Christina's looking tired. This is the best she's ever looked in my opinion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's really Hungarian looking today. She contributes throughout the show, yeaah. The tits are out and the mouth is open and that's what we like to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's too bad. Let's pull up some good feet to look at. Not now. Not now. Alright, alright, alright. We'll get to it. Uhm, dude, you are, I've been wanting to, I don't know if everybody knows this, like how I met you. I met you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I think it was 06. Was it 06? It was 06. West Palm Beach. West Palm Beach Improv. Uhm, I have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you took me to, well, we did a bunch of dates here. You took me to England, which was wild. That was good. It's kind of like, I keep thinking about how the longer that I do stand up and, and, and just work in this business, the more you go like, holy shit. When somebody has longevity, like they stay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, doing it and putting it out. Like, do you feel like, cause you have been on top of stuff for so long, like is it just that you put in the work? Is that basically as simple as it is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but also the people that come to see you would be like, I'm still going to see them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, do you feel that thing though of like, I've been, it's been going so well for so long? Does that, does that like fuck with you at some point? Uhm. How could this keep going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, I always feel like uhm, as thrilling as it is to do like the big, big shows, you know, like it's obviously amazing. There's still nothing like a great club weekend. Oh yea, a club? If you're a comedian, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you fucking, you really, cause I've seen you obviously live a bunch of times, like you actually talk to people and I've seen, I've watched you like build stuff on stage. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, right, but I mean like, you'll engage people. Some people, I mean, figure stuff out on stage, but you'll do it also while talking to people. Right. Like the material comes from those conversations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, there's sometimes there's bits I work on for like a year or more and I get married to saying it that way. And then usually it's actually because I forgot. Yeah. Or I'm not paying attention in the moment and I say something different or my mind just goes this way. And then you're like, Oh, there's the answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's such a, like, it's such a unique, people who don't do it never understand that feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done that. The other thing I've done is I get high and I, uh, I do voice notes like I was talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to say it was on Vine, or between Vine and Fountain, you know between Fountain and like Santa Con, and it was called Latino Computers. That's what it said on a sign. So the joke was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm usually, I'm usually a step slower on stage. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, does it still exist if you type it in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a place called Latino Computers. Uhm, and I was like, do you want me to do the joke for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not today. Oh man. Yeah, there was a, uh, I was, I did that joke one night at, at the, at Melrose, I still remember, and this, uh, Latino comic got fucking fired up. Really? He started heckling me from like that booth area. Right. Then in the hallway was like, I bet you wouldn't say that shit on, uh, whatever. He thought you were white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, alright man, like what, you know, I go, sure I would. I would do that joke on any show. At the time I said it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, yea, you, you could see the future, man. I was like, dude, I'm telling you, it's a huge market there for you. It's a big ass market, yea. No, it's fun, and here's the thing, you know how after a while, like you've been doing it 32 years, there is a certain, obvious like level of comfort you have on stage in a standup. I have a certain level of comfort doing standups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I do the Spanish shows, it's like you're back at like year one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it's good. The level of focus I have to have. Oh yeaah. Like to do them is like, you know, I mean in English I could be like, I don't know, I'll try this. And if it doesn't work, I don't know, I'll do something else. But in Spanish, I'm like hyped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. And so you, I'm just like, it's good for me because it makes me like really hone in on it. You know, it's really good for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it not out yet? Nah, I haven't even shot it. Yeah, it was supposed to shoot last year. I thought you had one come out last year. No, no, they announced it and then I was supposed to shoot it. Then COVID shut everything down. What happened with COVID? I don't know, it's this thing, it's in the air. Uhm, then they moved it. They said we're going to shoot it this year. And then I was like, no, we're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I was like, no, I'm going to do a hundred shows before I shoot it. And so then they're like, okay, so now we're going to move it to next year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they didn't know. They held onto the money. Not till it's delivered. They also were like, we're not going to pay you like it's English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna get paid like to help. Yeah, exactly. They're like, you speak Spanish, we pay you Spanish speaking rates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unreal man. Uhm, so before we go any further, your podcast, uh, people can subscribe on Apple Podcasts, wherever they get podcasts. You're on YouTube. New episodes come out every Thursday. It's called... Culturally cancelled with Russell Peters. Culturally cancelled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a long time. Most people can't keep someone around that long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you also, uhm, I've mentioned this before, but, so I, I, you know, when I think back to being a kid and listening to music, I'm 42.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Uhm, how old are you? 51 this year. 51, when, when I, when we were in the UK, you turned 40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they misspelled Russell on the birthday cake. Correct. Remember that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Craig G performed, that's right, MC Craig G, Juice Crew, shout out to the whole Juice Crew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, rest in peace Spinbad. That was really sad. Really sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it was like a light and I was like, who the fuck? And then he was like, doop doop. Then when I sit up and the flashlight kind of moves, I was like, oh, and you see the uniform. You're like, oh shit. And your boner goes, yeah, you're like, I'm going to jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so you're closer also to this stranger, the guy. Right, right, right. Yea, yea, cause now you're in the middle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was great. It was great times. This dude who I know said he's on a flight. It was like a late flight. I think it's like New York to LA or something. And he's also in economy. Meets this girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is in, she tells me she's engaged. Uhm, they have this talk and then, you know, blanket thing too, like they get under a blanket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She gives him a handjob, and then as they leave, like as they, you know, they leave the plane, they're walking towards, um, luggage, you know, the luggage. Her fiancee's there waiting for her. Yes, and has like the flowers and gives her a big hug and stuff. That's like savage, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I haven't got one in my Porsche. That sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got hooked up, my buddy Matt, uhm, the smoking tire, he's a, he's a auto journalist, and he connected me to a couple press people that were like, yeah, well, you know, you have a significant following or whatever, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, usually you get like a, the more expensive the car the less time you get it. Right, right, right. So the longest I've gotten something is like a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that was a Lotus Evora GT. That was really a fun car. Lotus is a genuine sports car in that, you know, low to the ground, power, not overwhelming power.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a real sporty drive, no frills, like there's no like extra shit in the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The 765, they're like, we're picking that shit up tomorrow. So the 720 I got for like 2 or 3 days. But they're all, I mean, they're so fun. Have you driven those? You've driven a bunch of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they, it seems to be like the, uh, let me stunt on everybody rap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, there's different, I mean, there's, there's obviously they have, uh, I don't think they call it the ultimate series. So they have like the P one, the Senate, like they're, yeah, they're not going to give those out. They're not giving those out, but that seven 20 S is pretty magical, man. If you want, like, uh, you want to get the spider, like a convertible, that's just a perfect sports car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it that kind of like, it was, cause COVID affected everybody differently. For you, it was like kind of an awakening in a way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But I mean, don't you feel like, cause, alright. I feel more mature now. You feel more mature, but don't you also feel. Inresponsible. Like, there's, so, when you start to make money, and you go, well there's things I've wanted, right, or things, stuff. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you go that the, uh, the pursuit of the thing is the rush. Then you have it and you're like, yeah, it's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like a dick. I feel like you get, like being an Indian guy that's cool, get more permission to have crazier shit though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I feel like if I were in a Rolls Royce, people would be like, what in the fuck? Like they would not, but you would get a pass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of car? Cause there is that thing about cars where like, I feel like every time I see a Ferrari,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I'm looking at a piece of art, right? Like I could, I could stand, if there was, you had a Ferrari out there, we could go and I could literally stand and look at it for 45 minutes with you. Just like you would look at like some, the Mona Lisa or something. They're fun to look at. Yea, but then I feel like getting in one and driving it, I would feel super self-conscious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's something about it too that when you see it, you usually see it driven, the guy that's driving, you're like, look at this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Ethan pulled up in that, like, No, Ethan Klein, uh, the H3 podcast guy. I was like, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not really a car guy. And he was like, oh, I got this, uh, Rolls Royce. And I was like, what? And I went out there and I was like, oh yeah, it was that Rolls SUV. Oh, I love it. Yeah. I love that one. It's nice, man. It was beautiful. Yeah, I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember being in the parking lot to stop you in a moment at the comedy store and you were inside and I walked out and one of the door guys was like, I don't know how to put this into drive. And I was like, oh, he's hit the paddle man. He was like, how'd you know that? And I was like, look who you're talking to. And then I went back inside. I used to work at Latino computers. I used to work at Latino computers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nice to, so you're like overall a more mature guy now. Yeah, I had to be a fun, funny guy, but I'm saying like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I'm down some weight. Maybe it was just being fat that I walked like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Yeah, like a fat waddle. Yeah, like waddle you do tomorrow. Look, I got shit in my shoes and I'm trying to kick it out. What is this? Um, yeah, I don't know. I think I walk pretty normal now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh good. Very happy with that. My quad is still, you know, fraction of the size, my left one. Really? Atrophies quick, man. It was in a straight brace for six weeks. You take it off and you're like, oh, it hasn't been used in six weeks. That's not that long. I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And I was like, she goes, now I can get around quickly. I'm like, no, no, no, I don't want you to break your other fucking ankle. So no, let's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It takes a while to come back, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what, do you think that this whole, cause I, I saw you post about your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's all happening at the same time for you. You know, you're maturing and all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's not a fucking gift. People really did that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by ExpressVPN. Using the internet without ExpressVPN is like taking a call on a train or a bus on speaker for everyone to hear. Don't be that person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Internet service providers like Comcast or Verizon know every...


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing. It's amazing to have that option. Secure your online activity by visiting expressvpn.com slash your mom today. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N dot com slash your mom. You can get an extra three months free expressvpn.com slash your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Policy Genius. Summer's here. The days are getting longer, meaning you got some extra time to see if you're overpaying for a home and auto insurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are your home and auto insurance policies up for renewal? Let Policy Genius look for a lower rate for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Policy Genius makes it easy to compare home and auto insurance in one place. They can help you find similar coverage and see who has a perhaps lower price. They've saved customers an average of $1,250 per year over what they were paying for home and auto insurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their team will handle the paperwork to set up your new policy or switch over your current one, which I think is the absolute best part about this. They'll find you that, they'll compare the rates, and if you go, yeah, I wanna do it, they take on that work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Head to policygenius.com to get started right now. Policygenius, when it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a lot of people who, if you don't know, you've always been able to do like crazy and incredible mimicking accents and everything. We play a game here sometimes, we call it master of accents, but we try to actually understand what someone's saying. So I have two here. I want to know if, if you know what


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Either of these guys are saying, I haven't even tried yet, so. Let's find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of these that we play, I'll be like, I don't know. And whenever it's like dumb southern bullshit, I'm like, I know exactly what he's saying. Oh yeah. I've heard it enough to be like, he is, so what he's saying is that somebody has done something and he's saying that he can also do it. So like, he's like, when we come back in the morning, I'll tell you how it goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So somebody else has done that tree jump thing before him. And he's like, I could do that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so what he's saying is though that like, he's certain of himself that he can do what someone else is, has clearly telling him, I bet you can't, he's like, show me where the bridge is, I can do that thing, it's probably like a flip off of this thing. So in the morning, we'll come back here, and I can do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then this other one, so that one wasn't that crazy, but this one I, I don't know what this guy's saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he, he's, I'm telling you, he really is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm looking for, let me see if I can find another one here. Master. Vader. Let's see, oh this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one I understood. Because again, it was dumb and southern and white. You know, the funny...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what happens when you don't go to school, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, yeaah. He's basically just saying of course I don't have the gun because I've already been locked up and I don't want to go back. Uhm, this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's just, he's English as a second language. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Gabe lives with them and he just, does he just hang out? Does he chill?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your chest is chesty, it makes sense. You did two last night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this was sent in, this is a, a guy, I guess he's mad at the lady on the street for having a party that uhm, that shuts down the street? Anyway, he just, he, he, this is a funny one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Yeah, the plate is, but then she's got some southern ass gear on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like he's wearing his mother's glasses though. Those don't look like men's sunglasses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since you, I feel like you know so much. You make me feel like I don't like hip hop. Because I thought I did until I talked to you about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually love it because I feel like you're an encyclopedia slash almanac slash trivia fucking machine with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's intense with you, like it's so deep, your knowledge is so deep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have anything you're excited about in today's hip hop?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A hundred people in your phonebook that could be like, oh hey Redman, just call Russell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When saying clown posse? I don't know them. But uhm, you know that that dude, Shaggy 2 Dope, uh, broke his arm on a slide and it's on camera? I did not know that. Wanna see it? Yes. I haven't seen it yet. Okay, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but damn I feel bad for him breaking his arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, it's just for fucking around on a slide, man. Go play basketball. Yeah, just, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, like a gentleman. Would you, would you injure yourself properly? Yea, Jesus. Alright, so here's Redman. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reggie Noble, man. That's Reggie Noble. Fuck that. Cause Reggie Noble's getting pissed. He, I mean, dude, he's the shit. Have you seen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get you hip to the game, kid. I'm in, man. I'm in. I love checking out new music. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reggie. What was I gonna say? Oh, he and Method Man. Have you seen the fucking workouts they're doing? No. They're fucking animals, man. Like, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty good, but now they're like jacked. Like he's doing pull ups with like weights hanging off of him. Meth is dead lifting like 500 some pounds. Really? Yea, like they're doing like heavy weight man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, cause you grew up, like, when I, well I learned about this when I started hanging out with you, that you were really into boxing, right? Do you still have a love for boxing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you don't ever, do you like to do the training? Like, you know, not sparring, but like, work in bits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, do you feel, do you, are you of the opinion that these celebrity fights are making a mockery of the sport? Or is it like, who cares, it's still bringing attention to the, like, to what's better and, you know. No, no it's not, it's bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, and they tell you, you're bringing up somebody. Yeah, that was the thing too. And they're like, you bring him up. What's, what do I say? And they're like, he's big on vines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know who he is now? I still don't know who he is now. No. No, I had a couple people in there like, yeah, uh, big Vine following and I was like, that's what you want in your intro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, then they were like, when Vine went away,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, tell people though, that I used to be big on Vine. I was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, do you, do you do self-maintenance? Do you do like a massage? Uhm, you know, like skin stuff? Do you do anything like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how like, here in the states, you know, a cop can like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say something the wrong way to you, or like, you know, grab you, you shouldn't have, and then you can, you can have a video leak on, you know, go online, and you can file a report, and it could be a, like in, I saw a show once where they had a camera crew following these Russian cops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They like, they saw a guy they were looking for, like at the mall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, you know, let me see over here. And a cop ran, like, into the food court.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way that's the right technique to use that with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please find more stuff from this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her stair technique, yea. Oh my god, that was so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Whoop! We all want to make healthier decisions. We want to sleep better, eat better, live healthier lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what? We want to know what's going on with our body. The incredible thing with Whoop, the fitness track device that helps you solve all these questions is that it gives you those insights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You input what you're doing, it tells you how your body's responding. You'll see how strained your body is, how much recovery it's going through, how much sleep you need, and it even has a sleep coach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a strain coach to let you know when you can turn it up. You can get all this great insight for less than $30 a month. It's absolutely amazing that you have this, this like portfolio level insight. Like you're looking at your stock holdings, but it's all about you. It's your body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, before you go, a few tech- Christina, you always do a good job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, can I get one of those Tom Segura Garth Brooks shirts? Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Send me the address, we'll ship you some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this subcane shirt. Yeah, he's the man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd love to. You know I'd love to. Yeah, I wanted to get you and Bert on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just says the right amount, you know? Not too much, not too little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Christina finds some of the, it's always a ride, crazy TikTok. Yes, I remember this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm going to place them for you. You know, see what she's got here. She curates these. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That seems like it's kind of a hospital. Oh, I forgot to ask you this. I don't know if you told this last time. I told this story yesterday or the day before, uh, to a friend of mine who had traveled to the Middle East. Your King of Jordan. When he punked me? Yes. Yes. It is one of my favorite stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright. Back to Christina's nonsense. Sorry. Now let's see what Christina has going on. Yea, Christina. That was a really cool story about the King of Jordan. Let's see what you pulled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he say he had 12 or 2? I think 2. Looks like he had 12, but he had 2.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh. He's breathing real heavy in that position. I can't breathe. Oh him, sorry. No him, yeah, no, you're fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He fluctuates too. Yeaah. He's in our camp. Yeaah. He's a fluctuator.


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[Assistant] Really? Yeah, because I've always been more into the sound of what I'm listening to than like, when people are like, people talk about songs and they go, you know, this song, and I'm like, oh yeah, and they go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the meaning, and I'm like, I never thought of the meaning. I just thought about how the song sounds to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I, um, I'll, especially like with newer music, let's say music of the last 10 years, I'll hear something and I'll be like, oh, this is dope. And I'm talking about the vibe, like the feeling of the song. I'll play it like a hundred times and it's not until someone else gets in the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they start going like, Jesus, these lyrics. And I'm like, oh, I never really paid attention to the lyrics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. Shout out to Sadat X. Alright, let's move along.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe him. I believe he does crazy things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, you see the little glass underneath? Yeah, that's pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a fun prank. You're gonna get one aren't you? I'm definitely getting one of those. Yeah. Takes you right back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, a reminder, uh, Russell's podcast, which is, uh, what is it? Cancel? Culturally canceled. Thanks for remembering, Tom. Of course. Culturally, I thought it would be in the write-up. Culturally canceled. Uhm, you can subscribe on Apple. He loves rap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, subscribe on Apple Podcasts wherever they get their podcasts. Uh, also on YouTube. New podcasts come out every Thursday. I hope I can do it soon, man. That'd be fun. That'd be good. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, always good to see you, man. You too, Tomaso. It's fun. Thank you for coming today. Thanks for making me come. I love when you come. We'll see you soon. Yes. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. Make sure you go see Russell live. Check out his podcast. And here is Get That Booty by DJ Knucklehead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is pretty dark and weird. You are not the first who would have asked me, but you are the first that I will deny.


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[Assistant] If you think you can get out here and be like Danny's big ass, go knock yourself out. But I would be remiss to try to tell you as an image consultant and as a person and a professional that you can be 5'3 and weigh so much that you don't even want to tell somebody how much you weigh and think you gonna get a man to marry you.


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[Assistant] A high value man. So you go ahead and go on back over and get your two piece or three piece or whatever you got coming from Chick-fil-A or Popeyes. Yeah, carry your ass on over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh, look what came. I've been waiting six months for this thing. What is it? What is it? Yay, what is it? What is it? Look how light it is. It weighs practically nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not specifically with coffee, but yea, like if I want something that I think other relationships or people might find ridiculous, it's the same thing that I said about right and wrong. I live my life the way I live my life. If you think it's weird, maybe you shouldn't fuck with me. I don't know. Okay. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] Cause there's some earrings that wouldn't look good if you did both. It's just better if it kinda separates the face. So it's like a, it's a stylistic choice but, I mean did it look good? Did it pop?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now is the moment? Uh, well there's like a billion tugs until that point. A billion? That day is when it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, and, and the rest of the day, I'm flexing at all times. At all times, I'm pretty sure that's why my core has always been strong as shit. Like, I have a six pack and I don't work out. And my, and my, because of that, my asshole can just, it's just, that shit is tight as shit, you know what I'm saying? I could just, at all times.


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[Assistant] I fucking hate that shit, man. It's like, it never gets normal. I'm still, to this day, I walk out and I'm like,


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[Assistant] It spooked the fuck out of you when you walked in though, right? Like that. Yeah, I thought, I thought 100% I was about to get kidnapped. I was like, this is a Russian mafia. You know, the way that they're sitting is too comfortable. They're not even like- Like that's someone who's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. In my head. That's a professional. Yeah, exactly. I was thinking, uh, I was thinking maybe they were like sleeping or something. So I was like, I tried to be quiet. Like I put my hand, like I was about to. I was like waiting for them to come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so I must've got, I think I was confused because I was like, what do you mean ho? Because ho could mean all kinds of things. Right. But it sounds like you're saying ho in a good way, where it's like they just fuck, they're cool. Hmm. And they go out, you know what I'm saying? They party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not throughout the day, but, but, I mean, my girl's different, like she, uh, she works just as hard as I do, and it's just as important to her, so I mean, it's different, but, uh, most, like my exes, yeaah, they try to, but it's the same, it's like this is business, but they don't get mad about it, I've never had a girl who's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't talk to me after work all day. I was like, what? We're done. If that was a genuine complaint, it's over. Cause you obviously don't understand my priorities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean sometimes when I'm getting ready for the day, I'm like, I'd really like to blast one out before I go, but I don't really feel it. Yeah. Uh, sometimes I do things that my body takes signals for browning. So, sometimes just sitting on the toilet will make my body need to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or turning on the bidet, give it a little splash, that usually kinda coaxes it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it happens to the best of us, you know, there's, you know, sometimes you got an empty chamber, but, you know, if you do have a bad day, you just keep on going until something does come out, cause if something will come.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's just an attachment of a movie file.


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[Assistant] No, it's just one of those big fish. And then it knocked them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's a bi- I don't know if it's an eel, it's just one of those big fish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sorry about that. What's wrong with you? Yeah, I'm just a Sneaky J and I'm just doing Sneaky J stuff, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All this will end once I convert to Christianity. Yeaah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on? It's Charles from Match. Just wanted to do a video instead of a text or a phone call. I've been here, I don't know, since 7.30 doing some cool stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does he do? What does that guy do? Uh, he does real estate. Actually my new office, I really like it. Not gonna lie, it's got this really cool view. This is the first message. There we go, hey? Ah, there we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, she doesn't eat canned food or anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that cats don't naturally have a primarily fish diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I take all that shit back, I said I ain't jump out of that damn tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree, I ain't jump out of the tree,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you have a cold sore and it hurts really bad. I hate that. Or if you have acne and it hurts. Yea. I have all that in my ass. How do you have it all in your ass? And guess what? I have a dildo coming in the mail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess what? What? The dildo's coming. Oh wow. This is only for adults to listen to.


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[Assistant] Everything I said was not bad. I'm just telling you what I have. You have everything in your ass. The she-mails don't have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Harley Quinn. You think you doing, Harley Quinn? You think you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pay less, a lot less with discounted rates from USPS and UPS. Stamps.com saves businesses thousands of hours and tons of money every year. We've been using Stamps.com now for a decade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With our promo code MOM, you get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in MOM. That's stamps.com. Enter the promo code MOM. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up there chomo? Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. I'm Tommy Buns and with me as always is my co-host Christine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, and joining us live via, let's call it a satellite, it's, uh, Christina P. in Austin, Texas.


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[Assistant] Real different. So I wanna recap. Yeah, go ahead. So the day started hot.


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[Assistant] And then, pretty soon, it'll probably stop raining.


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[Assistant] There was always, cause there was always that kid. There was always that kid that was like, I'll pick up that fucking lizard, and you're like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, there's always that one kid when you're a kid who will just pick up animals and you're like, woah. And that's our kid now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're facetiming me and I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, this is my pet. My frog. You like it, Tom? I'm like, yeah, it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have held a frog, yea. I didn't tell you this, but the other night...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got up and they were doing construction in my office, right? So there's all the stuff everywhere. And I walk out to that area and I was about to go back in the bedroom and I saw a little, a little frog, a baby frog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hopping? So at first you were like, oh, I was like, I gotta get this right. And then I looked at it and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care. I just walked away. I was like, just let that frog live here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants two. Well, then it'll be three and then four. Yeah, it's just going to keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't have horny vibes for a while and then I come to the office and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? I think it's being around all these dudes. All these dudes get me all worked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that guy was the Thomas Jefferson of the Cool Guy Club. One of the founding members for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty cool. I mean, you know, this guy's doing the old, just put it out there. Put it out there, just see what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because the guys that say this are not those guys. See, the two don't ever meet. It never meets up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because Gosling and Pitts and the men who have that, like, of those genetics, they don't go like, are there any women that want to sit? Like, they don't have to ask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their game probably gets real weak. Yea, for sure. Over time. Like there was a time when, you know, the Zac Efron, Pitts and stuff, where they were not famous. But they were really good looking guys, so they probably had...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they had to put work some charm, but they, they probably a lot came to them pretty easily.


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[Assistant] And then they got famous. So if you're really good looking and famous and you get wealthy, I mean, yeah, there is no try anymore. So I bet you if you, if you were like, oh, you have to, now you got to try. I don't think they would actually remember how to try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They forget like the effort you would put into it or like, you know, when you're a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're trying to get laid. You're like, you have like this, uh, almost like level of focus, right? Where you're like, I'm, you have to like be in the moment. You're trying your best and your, your personality, your joke, whatever. You're like, you're really attentive to trying this to impress the girl and like, and then, you know, it either works or it doesn't. But those guys, they're like, yeah, that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know what that function feels like. Like they just sit back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Well I don't know if they're sad because their dicks are always getting sucked on, but I feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like lions that are laying around with empty balls. Like, oh, there's no jizz left in my balls. Cause it keeps getting drained.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the cool thing is that I have another surgery coming up. So then that'll put another, you know, wrench in the whole thing and see what will happen next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely a week, at least. At least.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not as major, but it could be, you know. I was told that, I was told either you're gonna be resting, you're gonna want some rest. So, I mean they're cutting my arm open. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's a good thing I have a second hand so I can still jay it, but I mean, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he brought it up. He brought it up. He was like, you can still jerk off, you know. I was like, okay, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, it's really important that you understand that. I go, no, I understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure someone's been jerking off in recovery and they're like, what are you doing? They're like, I'm just trying to relax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure every nursing staff has a story about somebody masturbating that they had to tell to stop masturbating. Everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and yeaah, probably, uh, what's it called? Flashing and, and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. I mean, they also don't forget, nurses and medical staff don't just deal with certain segments of the public. They deal with all of the public. So they deal with mentally ill people and schizophrenics and, you know, I mean, deviants and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people's biggest kink is to be in the medical world. You know, like that's the thing that arouses a lot of people, I'm sure. That's a kink, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he's still doing the PT. So what if he just goes in the car and he jerks off in our driveway? So what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure there's PTs out there that are doing that. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like you accidentally catch it, you're like, you're like, what? You don't know how to say it. And you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he puts it, he places your foot against his croc and he's like, this is a special healing technique I learned in Thailand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if it worked? What if it actually healed you?


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[Assistant] No, see, I know that that's something that guys say. I've said it a few times myself. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if there was some way to scientifically prove that it worked, yes, he could come all over me. I don't mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if he was gonna heal me with his jizz, I would, yeah, sure. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me tell you something. It's not going to work. So if you're thinking of considering it, it's definitely not going to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Everybody was a good boy today for lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, that's the place that Steve Simone recommended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was decadent, it was great, but it was so heavy. Oh my god, I think I shit for three days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for three days, my baby. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't have the sausage. This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Brook Linnen. Have you ever said to yourself, I love the fact that I've had the same few pairs of sheets since just after college, and I never liked them, but I just keep washing them every week or two and putting them back on the bed like it's totally normal? Well, stop it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brooklyn and can make that voice in your head and the bad sheets on your bed go away. Brooklyn was started to create beautiful, high quality, homosexuals that don't cost an arm and a leg and people, what a success. Brooklyn works directly with manufacturers to make luxury available directly to you without luxury level markups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get their amazing array of products at a reasonable price. We've been getting Brooklinen products for a while now and they are fantastic. We sleep on Brooklinen sheets and I fully endorse them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So give yourself the comfort refresh you deserve and get it for less at Brooklinen. Go to Brooklinen.com, use the promo code HOUSE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] brooklinen.com promo code house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, that is very true. I, I still, I still can't believe that Eni does this though. As many times as I've heard it, like I'll see him, I'll be like, hey man, and then it'll hit me and I'll just, can't believe it. I guess I can't believe more that this is more believable than the fact that he holds it for so long, you know. That is crazy. Did he learn this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've asked. And? He said self-taught. Self-taught. And what is the trauma again for


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[Assistant] Could you, could you do me a favor? Could you take it back that you want him to crack his head open?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We each choose who we wanna be, and you want this man to get hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet it becomes kind of addictive though. I bet it feels great. Yea, because it just, you know, like your design, we used to shit into the ground like that, just full squat, so I bet you when you do it, you're like, oh that was way easier, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I don't know. I have diarrhea so much. I guess I would try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet it just comes out all at once. There's no waves of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for people that don't know, I'm trying to find, uhm. That was a good moment. That was amazing, right? This was set-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so you know, he put out the famous video on match where he sent a girl a video instead of a call. Instead of a text. And he showed her his office and all this and then he was like, I'll meet you at Lily's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we played that clip and eventually Charles came on the podcast and he's been a great sport, especially on Instagram. Like he really leaned into it, you know, like took ownership of it and fans love him and they're always commenting. He does real estate in New York and he'll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, do a tour like for his business and it'll be full of YMH fans, but they're all like very supportive of him. And then we were sent this video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gene of him out to lunch, I think with his mother and maybe a sibling or something. And he gets recognized by the server.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, is thrilled to meet him and it's pretty cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If his mom knew what podcast it was, she'd be like, oh god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I get, I get, I get tagged and people standing in front of lilies, you know? Yeah. Even our agent did that. Our agent went down there and he was like, guess where I'm at today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's always just at eight or eight fifteen. They're like, we cannot seat everybody at eight or eight fifteen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been tagged in things where people, they want YMH dating apps, you know, they want to date people who listen to this show. Pretty...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you gonna do with the rest of your day, Jean, over in ATX? Keep watching the weather or just see how it changes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had lunch, we had lunch, drinking a carbonated drink. It happens, it's life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, it's overwhelming and, but then all of a sudden you realize there's like legit sick shows that are like supposed to be amazing that are out that you haven't seen and you're like, I don't know if I want to start. I get like start show anxiety. I'm like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I know that half the country says this is the best show, but I don't know. And I won't start it. I won't start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. In a few years I'll be like, have you seen the Sopranos? Yeah. Yeah.


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[Assistant] It literally depresses me when I'm like walking around, I walk around the corner, I see him being like, I think he's gonna make it all the way through this course! And I'm like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can definitely give it a shot. You can try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, about a cast member joining his movie. And it said like, so and so actress joins Bart Kristol's, uh, movie in Serbia. Yeah. Shut up. Like a printed article. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, uh, so this actress is joining Bart Crystal's movie, The Machine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So ridiculous. That they wouldn't get it right for the article. I'm already not even looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty cool, yea. Whoops. Well, we got on that one, I don't know, a year ago. I was like, oh, it'll be ready. And they're like, well, well, you know, it rained today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once these permits go through, you know, I mean, you know how when you pull off a chicken wing, you ain't got no milk. And you're like, what? Like, well that's just how it goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. It rained earlier, and we'll see if it rains tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty exciting. That door is exciting this far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I saw that, my D got real hard when I saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything I'm doing now just without fucking noise and somebody opening stupid pocket doors every two seconds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is a power berry? What's in a power berry and can we get one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me finish this call, okay? Okay. And then he leaves the doors open like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let me see here. Where do I have him? Okay, here we go. Ready? Here's the king's update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear that? He dropped like a Charles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No, yeah, you're right. And like, I'm, I'm still looking. I want this. And now he gave cities. Are you in one of these cities?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gave him a way to contact him. Here's my email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to laugh. I like to have a good time. Let's see those boobs. Hang. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why hovering? I'll tell you why. Yeah, different. That's why. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's probably good. If you're a truck driver, you probably sit a lot. Probably good to be active.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like you're doing your own version of get your feet on the ground, start doing stuff today. Yeah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that what you're saying? You're saying that. You're saying get your feet on the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the best, right? I feel so motivated. I worked out before I came in here today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, she has some saying, what is she always saying? That's the way the cookie rolls. And I'm like, that's not the expression.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, it's the way the cookie crumbles. And she's like, no, the cookie rolls. I'm like, nobody says that. Cause she says some weird shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Uhm. I love you. Love you too. Uhm, do you have anything you want me to tell Mr. Burr when he gets here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by our partner whoop. We all want to make healthier decisions. We want to try to sleep better, eat better and live healthier lives, especially with summer coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beach season around the corner, we don't always know how our body is feeling, how long to work out for, how much sleep we need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoop is a fitness track device that helps solve those questions. They have so much insight into what your body is doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're going to function well tomorrow and be able to take on strain. How great is it to know that? Well, you can know that now if you get yourself a whoop and it tells you, Hey, it's time to push it. You can actually strain yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For our listeners, if you've been thinking about giving Whoop a shot, there's no better time than today. You can save 15% off of Whoop with the code YourMom. Go to Whoop. W-H-O-O-P dot com. Use the code YourMom at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. Know yourself with personalized recovery, strain, and sleep insights from Whoop.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, it's amazing because they restrict, like Netflix and other streamers restrict content based on where you're located. So like here in the United States, you only get what they say you're supposed to get.


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[Assistant] Because ExpressVPN lets you basically trick the system into thinking that you're in the UK.


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[Assistant] We're back, uh, Christina, you having fun? Good.


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[Assistant] Welcoming back for the first time in a long time, one of the best comedians working today. You know him from the Money Money Podcast and the Bill Burt Podcast. It's Bill Burr. Hey Bill. Hey. How's it going? What's up, Christina?


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[Assistant] It does. It makes her smarter than she is. I like it too. It's my idealized version of Christina.


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[Assistant] Not to deal with any of her shit. Yep. Love her. I love you. Progressive. Thank you. It is. Isn't it crazy that that really is like- You made women great again.


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[Assistant] Hey, why don't we get, uhm, just a big titted blonde porn star to sit in on the next episode, you know?


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[Assistant] And that, that is when you started to notice the change, like the, the tickets were selling.


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[Assistant] Do you feel like now, cause one of the things I noticed is that a lot of times now comedians, like people we know, friends, uh, people you, you know, you're at the store with, will get in a movie or something and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It like will do nothing. And it's not like the movie didn't do well or the part, like they did great, but it just doesn't create the same traction it used to. But then I think of something like The Mandalorian, which you were in, uh, both seasons, but you had like your own episode basically on the second season. It's a phenomenal series and the episode is amazing. Do you feel like,


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[Assistant] Can you sense that that has any effect? Like does it bring? Cause it's such a popular show. No, I don't think it does. No?


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[Assistant] I remember season one, like when you go, I'll check this out, like you know what I mean? You're not like, I'm looking for it, but you're like, I guess I'll check this out. And it hooks you in such a way that you become more of a super, like I think that everything about that series is amazing. From the music to the way it's shot, the acting, the storytelling, it's incredible.


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[Assistant] No, you're very sincere in real life, aren't you? I feel like you are.


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[Assistant] So, do you endorse them for people? I should try them? No. Okay.


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[Assistant] All from that trip? Yeaah. And do you, is it simple? Like is it, is it, is it ultimately something you go that's actually-


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[Assistant] Something will just happen, you know, some interaction. I'll be like, Oh, I wonder if this for him will be a bigger deal, you know, like something that's imprinted in his mind.


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[Assistant] They go for jokes. They do. My, uh, my five year old, I yelled at, I was like, no, I can't believe you're fucking out. You know, I screamed about something he threw on the ground.


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[Assistant] But now you have full, like you basically feel like you have full clarity on why you're a comedian. Like you, whatever it is, you see it now.


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[Assistant] Wow, that's amazing. You, uhm, I didn't see you much or talk to you much during the pandemic.


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[Assistant] I feel like what we do is like being in like, let's say the chaos for lack of a better term, like, you know, being out there and shows and like everything's moving, tons of people. And that's why I feel like going home, I like a home life that's very peaceful, you know, like a quiet, like it's like a, and I need it.


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[Assistant] You have to get prepared. For that. Yeaah. Then you have to get prepared, then you talk about how it was really hard out there, and it was real stressful.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, we all are glad that you aren't such an asshole, but uhm, yeah.


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[Assistant] Try it out. I know. Try it out with just the way he said it. It's true. I need to be fucked a lot, man. That's him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Come and check it out.


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[Assistant] Yep, yep. Fucking crushed it. Crazy, I told Steve it's just a miracle you can get a movie made. You know what I mean? It's incredible just to get that made.


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[Assistant] It's just insane. It's quite the tricky dance. For a little bit. Uh, so we get sent in a lot of videos, videos that I think you'll like, and there's, we play these videos, and this is a short one. Is this the comedic nice setup that you're gonna do before I see something horrific? I mean, possibly.


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[Assistant] Nothing like that. This is just, do you think this is fun? Horrible or hilarious? That's it, you know? So, here's like-


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[Assistant] I was like shaking the bed. I get yelled at. She tells me now, cause I watch things on the patio at our house, and uh, Christina's like, she'll text me, I can hear the screaming.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Wealthfront. Decades of data show that investors that trade individual stocks underperform the market every year. In fact, only 1% of day traders


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By going to Wealthfront.com slash YMH to get your first five thousand dollars managed for free


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For life, go to Wealthfront.com slash Y-M-H. That's W-E-A-L-T-H-F-R-O-N-T dot com slash Y-M-H. To start growing your savings, go to Wealthfront.com slash Y-M-H and get started today.


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[Assistant] Do you want me to put milk in your coffee or just black coffee?


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[Assistant] Have you seen or caught wind of how many people cannot say Burt's name?


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[Assistant] Like, really. People joke and tease them and call- What, Burt Kreischer? Yeaah. But they call him like Bart Crystals and Brecht Kirchner and all this shit. Like, it is everywhere. Like, here's even a promo from, you know, he did that show- Is this one?


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[Assistant] And they said Bruce Kreischer to correct it. What is this by the way? This is a, this is a wrestling show on the, that's promoting the Go Big show, which is the, like the talent show that Burt hosts and that Cody Snoop and Rosario Dawson and somebody else are judges on, yea.


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[Assistant] Mandalorian? Yeah. Uhm, then there's, I mean, it's just constant though.


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[Assistant] Why would the R be silent? I have no idea who would ever think of that.


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[Assistant] Even this lovely adult actress Adriana Chechik offered for Bert and I to have a DP with her. And she got his name wrong.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. But he's a, he is a sweetheart. He is the sweetest. You know what I think?


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[Assistant] No, no, no, no. You sat there folded up. He actually, he did something that he goes. Mouth to mouth. Mouth to mouth. But he also said later on, he goes, you know, I would never do this. And I did it, which is that.


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[Assistant] He took me to the hospital, he waited with me in the emergency room. Like shit, he goes, he goes, that's totally against who I am. He goes, but he was with me.


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[Assistant] No, but he was, he, and he did something that I think that, you know, not only did he take me there, he left me his charger, so I could charge my phone. I mean, that's really, that's real love, I think. Hey, that's the bird I know. I don't know what happened to you up until then. Oh, yeah, this was the first time I thought.


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[Assistant] Uhm, no. Well, Bird, if he lives and makes it back, I'm really looking forward to seeing you, man.


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[Assistant] Oh, he's doing the movie? Yeah, he's doing the movie. Serbia. He said he's, he's almost breaking shit. He almost broke his arm. Uh, he's doing his own stunts. I'm like, yeah, he had to go, yeah, he had to go to the hospital. Yeah, he's, he's fucking himself up, man. That's good. Yeah. Shooting like real action sequences. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he said he was scary as fuck. And the show, you're like, this guy's fucking terrifying. I mean, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's no, like there, in old school Italian mob stuff actually had, there is a moral compass. Yeah, no women, no kids. Absolutely, and it's like, you're in the mob, I'm in the mob, you know, we both agreed to this life, and like, you might die, I might, and we're like, cool, but we don't do that.


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[Assistant] The cartels, the cartels take it even further than like-


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[Assistant] Right now. Yea, I read an article about when one of the journalists agreed to meet one of the cartel people, you know, for an interview and they agreed to terms and all this stuff and, you know, they blindfolded them for most of it and then they're on this approach.


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[Assistant] They're making an example of and they wanted him to see it. So like he's on this about to meet the guy and he sees people bound to trees, like cut open and stuff.


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[Assistant] If you see bodies just like torn open, you're like, oh man, I appreciate you having me. Yeah, this octopus is good.


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[Assistant] And that's happening like fucking a couple hours from here. That's what's crazy.


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[Assistant] I just, I told this story, but I'll tell you, this really happened a couple weeks ago.


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[Assistant] But this, this happened a few weeks ago. I get, I get picked up, uh, by an Uber driver. And I asked him where he was from, and he said Monterrey, Mexico.


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[Assistant] And I said, oh, I know one of my friends married a girl from Monterey. So I go, you know, already you've said too much.


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[Assistant] Yeah, right? Dude. So I go, how long you lived here? And he said 10 years.


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[Assistant] And I said, oh yea, you know, Monterey's pretty dangerous though, right? Because I'd heard especially from her. And he goes, yea, that's why I left, because the cartel kept fucking with me. And I was like, okay. And I go, like, what happened, dude?


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[Assistant] By the way, this is a 15 minute drive, okay. He goes, one of my friends had a ranch and he had a trailer with livestock and the cartel took it.


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[Assistant] And he had it, he had GPS on it, so he was able to find it. He didn't know the cartel took it, he just knew it was stolen.


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[Assistant] So when they found it, they just retrieved it. He just took it back. Put it, went back to his uh, his ranch. And he goes like, three months later, I'm hanging out with my friend and a couple other friends at his ranch. And these guys come in, and they just take us, like at gunpoint.


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[Assistant] I go, and then what? And I go, well I ask him, I go, why didn't they kill you? And he goes, I asked him.


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[Assistant] Because I asked, because they didn't, and then I was just kept for 45 days.


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[Assistant] And he goes, I uhm, I ask the guy, I go, why aren't, why haven't you killed me?


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[Assistant] And they go, we like you. Like one of the guys goes, we like you, like you're funny or, you know, we like talking to you. Cause he would, he would talk to them all day. And then one day they just dropped, they drove out on a highway between two towns and they let him out.


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[Assistant] And then he goes. Honey, it was the cartel. It was the cartel. People don't come back. Yeaah, so how can you be mad at me? Uhm, running a farm here, I needed a man around.


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[Assistant] I'm actually legally married to him because you were dead. Uhm, but then he just goes like, uh, Why fuck you, I'll be cheating on my new husband.


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[Assistant] So, he just goes back and he's like, you know, gets his shit together and he's like, I gotta get the fuck outta here. And then he comes to the States.


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[Assistant] And then he pulls up, he's like, here's your stop. I was like, I need a few minutes, man. Can you go for a little ride around the block? Like you just told me the craziest story I've ever heard in my life. But he witnessed his friends get murdered by these guys in front of him. And then the Sicario, the hit man, told him that he makes a hundred grand a week doing it.


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[Assistant] From, like the cartel pays him. Just on weekly retainer. And then just kill whoever we tell you to kill.


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[Assistant] He said he asked the guy, like, isn't it hard to kill people? Like when you said, when you bring stuff up, and the guy goes the first time, yea. He goes the first time, it's hard. He goes, but by the third time, it's not a big deal. So, anybody out there wondering?


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[Assistant] I've already crossed that line. Have you had a bad bomb in like a while? Like a bomb?


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[Assistant] Right, cause the Michelle thing is like, it's not praise of her, right? It's like, it's saying like, she's just there, like she's...


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[Assistant] Eat your pancakes. It's exciting for people to get upset about things though. It's exciting to them.


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[Assistant] I think it, it, it feels like you feel like you are saying something significant. I mean, it's, I guess in a lot of, it is virtue signaling. So it's, it's saying like, I'm in the right because people like to point and go, see, that's wrong. That's a new white job. Showing people what's wrong.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Thank you for being an ally. And people go like, thank you for being an ally. No. I, I think that the, uh,


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[Assistant] That's the, that's most of society. It's all, you weren't there for any of this.


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[Assistant] That the people, most of the people, loud and like really critical about the comedian during that time, first of all, don't, most of them don't follow comedy, they're not into comedy at all. They're not, they don't get that the people at that show,


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[Assistant] So much that's unspoken that happens and when you're at a show, when you perform a lot, you get it and you go like, oh yea, but like, I was, you know, I'm doing faux anger or faux ignorance for that moment and then that's captured and sent out in a blurb and somebody reads the sentence about it and you're like,


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[Assistant] Is that a, it's a good thing or whatever, it's just like alright, I don't know. How do you feel before you get out of here about the NASCAR banning coolers at Texas Motor Speedway, are you okay? Why do they ban coolers? I don't know, this guy uhm, he's one of the


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[Assistant] And think about, I mean, for the average guy, buying a ticket, going to the races and he goes, well I can bring this 12 pack or whatever. And then you go to the speedway and you buy it there and it's fucking, the cost of one beer is the fucking 12 pack you would have brought, you know? He fucks them.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, I mean, I drove on that track a couple weeks ago, which was amazing.


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[Assistant] And then you look at the stands and you're like, this has got to be wild to watch the race here.


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[Assistant] Uhm, alright guys, well I don't know if there's any tickets left.


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[Assistant] If you disrespect me, I'll suck your dog's dick off too. Alright, Bill Burr.


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[Assistant] Billbur.com slash events, he's going to a bunch of major markets.


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[Assistant] I don't see no Texas dates. You said fuck Texas from this cooler band too.


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[Assistant] Uh, see Bill, uhm, live, check out his podcasts, and uh, dude, thank you for making this trip over here. Thank you for having me. I appreciate you.


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[Assistant] Such a creep. Bye, Christina. Bye, Christina.


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[Assistant] You guys have a beautiful day. I will talk to you tomorrow. I love my queens and kings above 18.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just wanted to do a video instead of a text or a phone call.


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[Assistant] You think we want your sweat smell and balls in our face with your gross pee soaked dick in our mouths? No. But we do it because we care.


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[Assistant] I'm the one who chooses where to sleep and make love because I build each and everyone a house. I visit whoever I want and I satisfy their needs. There is no husband who has ever complained about anything.


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[Assistant] What other podcast does talk about JNDs?


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[Assistant] And burping and farting and shitting for as long as we have, but managed to find new layers, new places to go with all these topics.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, it's true. I really enjoy it though. It's fun.


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[Assistant] I enjoy the stupid shit in life more than anything else.


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[Assistant] Well, congrats, that's good.


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[Assistant] He's great and he's struck out on his own now. He's no longer with Howard Stern and we're going to see what he's been up to.


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[Assistant] Who's my new hero? And how did I- How did I miss this check on the top?


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[Assistant] I mean, she really is talented and there's so many questions I have. There's so much going on.


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[Assistant] It's, it's rare that you see a woman doing cool stuff though.


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[Assistant] But we're inclusive here at YMH. This is fucking great.


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[Assistant] Dude, but what adult? Let's talk, let's go through this. Let's go through this.


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[Assistant] Cause I didn't know any better, and then there's an age where you're like, I'm, oh this is gross, I should stop doing this. So like what, what, why does an adult not stop? Like what would stop you from-


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[Assistant] Cause I remember the appeal when I was a kid. Did you hear the part when I said- Like I enjoyed- I think it was like I didn't know what to do with them.


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[Assistant] They were salty and then scraggly. Some of them were crunchier than others or stickier. And then you're just like, this is gross.


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[Assistant] That's my topic that I can't talk about.


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[Assistant] Like if this were a puke video, I would be like lose my number too. Like if some, one of you guys was into puking.


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[Assistant] What if I just reignited my passion for booger eating and you caught me?


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[Assistant] Drinking gasoline. Remember that show, My Strange Addiction?


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[Assistant] And that girl was like, I just drink, I take a sip every day.


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[Assistant] See, that's what you have to think about. And the embarrassing things, like when we go to a restaurant together, and then I walk in and have to be like...


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[Assistant] Or explaining it to your parents. Like, we go to visit your family, and you're like,


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[Assistant] You never tried one as a kid? No. You never just tried it for Flaves?


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[Assistant] Can I tell you an annoying habit my mom's, one of my mom's boyfriends had that like, if you did this, I would fucking, I couldn't marry you. Every time we finished eating, he'd take out a can of Coke, open up the Coke, go,


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[Assistant] And I had to my mom. Did you ever say something? I did. So they were going to get married. And to my mom I go, you fucking, you lay that guy? That's the exact phrase I said. How old were you? I was 12. I go, you lay that guy?


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[Assistant] And I'll never forget cause I'd never said that sentence before. I don't know where I'd even heard that.


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[Assistant] But it was pretty great, right? And I was like, you lay that guy, mom?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, that's the problem. Is that he was a white guy. Yeah.


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[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Like, dude, foreigners don't fucking jog in Balboa Park.


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[Assistant] And we don't swish our mouths out with fucking coke at the end of the meal. Like, he just didn't know any better.


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[Assistant] Every fucking girl who wanted to marry him and he was like, yeah, right. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Every woman that cleaned our house thinking that that would be the key to his heart.


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[Assistant] Never. Never was. Like those bitches don't know.


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[Assistant] Let's me go do my thing. I have good time, my party, I come back. She's not talking too much. That's another thing. Women, women talk too much. You have to teach a woman no, not talking so much.


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[Assistant] First of all, American women did not last very long in the arsenal. No, unless she was really docile. American woman works too much. So she's not home cooking, cleaning, she's not taking care of him. You know? She's too busy.


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[Assistant] And they talk back, and they want to assert their rights and stuff, and he's not- He's not into that shit. No, no, no. You gotta be servitude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I remember one time my dad was dating a psychologist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I remember as a kid really liking her because she was one of the more normal women that got in the arsenal, that got in the rotation.


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[Assistant] And when you're a kid and you, someone's normal, you are immediately like, ah!


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[Assistant] Oh my god, thank god you're here. And of course she did not last long at all. Cause she figured out that dad, you know, had his own things going on. She didn't laugh, but I liked her very much. She would actually ask me questions about myself and was like, talk to me like a normal human being. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Nah, she's working too much. She's too, you know. Yeah. She's got too many problems. Oh, and problems. Yeah, you can't have problems. Hey, your problem's making my dicks off. Yeah, my dad was like, these women have too many problems. Fuck, giving me problem. I don't want to hear problem.


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[Assistant] Let's dance. Let's party, yeaah. Life is party, party, dancing, party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of foreigners, uhm, the Shaws of Sunset has a new season out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't want to watch it because they all have, well two of them have children now, Gonesa and Mercedes Javid. They have babies.


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[Assistant] I hope so, I don't know. But I was like, I don't wanna see them partying anymore.


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[Assistant] Wow. She's a lawyer. She got that loophole thinking, man. Smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm happy if you're happy. I'm happy. I'm always on your side.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's true, people don't really do things to you, do they? Like last week when I accused you of clipping your ball hairs on my makeup counter, you didn't do that to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Praise Allah. That is the biggest right there.


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[Assistant] 90% of the time, they're just projecting their own shit onto what you're saying and doing. Very seldom, even in relationships like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are we not projecting and putting our own view on what that other person is saying or doing?


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[Assistant] That's fine, I'm gonna be in Omaha, uh, June 4th.


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[Assistant] This is crazy town. Could you imagine being that woman getting that call?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I would be terrified if this fool was saying this crazy shit to me and I'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like compared to- His later years? Yeaah. This is his early work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to say I'm really impressed with how long he got away with doing this horseshit.


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[Assistant] It's scary. It actually scares me how little this guy was wrangled.


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[Assistant] God, let's buy a fuckin' ten guns, babe. Texas.


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[Assistant] Keep this asshole off our fuckin' property, man.


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[Assistant] What a fucking asshole. Captain asshole. Can I ask you something?


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[Assistant] I mean is it any better than like eating a bowl of grapes? Is it? Like what the fuck? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different from similar fruits. See, it's another fad. It's a fad. I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then there's all- Okay, so there's all this sugar in there, so now you're just- it's just a bowl of sugar, and they're like, it's healthy. No, it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was picking up some drugs for Bitsy. And I'm seeing these idiots standing in line for a bowl, a purple bowl of bullshit. And I'm like, this has gotta be nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tons of sugar, yeaah. So don't, but then don't market it as, like it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I wanna cancel. I'm canceling acai bowls. We should be outraged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, jump off a bridge and make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I guess I'm saying like, if you're gonna have a treat, have a treat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turn your cool idea into a new website. When are you gonna do it? Is this the year where you finally build yourself a website that showcases your work? Uhm, maybe you sell products. Maybe you have a physical business that you finally need a website for. I can't tell you how many businesses I've been to that don't have a website. There's no reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Powerful ecommerce functionality lets you sell anything online. You can customize the look and feel. Everything optimized for mobile right out of the box.


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[Assistant] Uhm, a new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions. So head to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the opera code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my jeans. I am so excited for our guest today. Uh, you know him from the Howard Stern Show. He does the Shulie Show live every Tuesday on his Patreon. And then regularly your podcast drops every Friday, the Shulie Show. Hello, it's Shulie Agar. Come on, everybody. Come on, come on.


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[Assistant] It's like, remember the Hungarian? We met a Hungarian tennis coach.


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[Assistant] Ladeem, and I thought that was somebody's name. Ladeem! And he says, no, it's how you call the children.


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[Assistant] Yeah, your dad is quite a character. I love your dad's stories from The Stern Show.


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[Assistant] Yeah, same with ours. I think everybody's got old OS dads, right? Mine's Hungarian, Israeli, yours is Vietnam.


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[Assistant] Cause that's the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad was married to a Hungarian lady, yeah.


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[Assistant] Oof, Azonyad's fuss, Azonyad's speechable.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. That's true, Americans, the worst thing you can say in the English language is like, mother fucker.


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[Assistant] Is that just also a function of age where it gets more entertaining to tell bummer stories than to tell positive tales?


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[Assistant] I think, I think some of it is cause your life becomes like your friends start to die. Your health shuts down.


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[Assistant] Don't you feel like you can't, cause you grow up this way too, like, is your wife American?


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[Assistant] Dude, I don't think my dad ever took me to the doctor, ever.


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[Assistant] And also, like, it's a personal failure. Like, you should have known better than to inconvenience him with your injury.


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[Assistant] I actually hear you talking this way, cause on Howard Stern's show, I only would get a few snippets of your personality, and then we get enough.


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[Assistant] Right, so then, and then you'd go through Tan Mom, you'd catch up on Underdog, on, um, Highpitch.


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[Assistant] And maybe you agree, like, uh, Howard is someone I grew up with. I started listening to him when I was 14 in my dad's shop. My dad had a forklift business, and I would work there in the summers. And I was so fucking bored, and that's when I got into Howard Stern.


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[Assistant] And he formed a lot of my humor. This guy in my mind is some form of a father figure to me because he reminds me a little bit of my dad. He's kind of hard knocks.


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[Assistant] Well because you have a special relationship with these and an underdog lady loves you.


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[Assistant] We are supported by Sunday. Is there anything worse, Jean? And I know you've had this where you're proud of your house and then the lawn looks terrible. There's brown patches, there's weeds, there's just bare patches cause the dog


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[Assistant] Oh, it just goes potty there all the time. It's just the worst, man. This is why I love Sunday, Sunday lawn care. It is so easy. Uh, you go to their website, you just take a little quiz and they send you actual


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just went to GetSunday.com, put in my home address, and their free lawn analysis tool took care of the rest, all in just seconds.


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[Assistant] Sunday uses soil and climate data to create a tailored nutrient plan so you get all the stuff your lawn needs and nothing it doesn't, right? How can seaweed, iron, molasses, healthy things for your lawn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let Sunday take the guesswork out of growing a greener, more beautiful lawn this spring. Visit GetSunday.com slash YMH to get $20 off your custom lawn plan at checkout. That's $20 off your custom plan at GetSunday.com slash YMH.


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[Assistant] Now, one thing I was fascinated by was when you followed underdog.


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[Assistant] Explain to people how she eats Arby's.


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[Assistant] It's stuck out as awe. I've never heard of somebody getting fast food and then freezing it and saving it.


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[Assistant] That's what this one was telling me for years and years. Always do your own thing, right Gene?


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[Assistant] Yeah, good for you. And now you're touring, you've got the Shulie show.


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[Assistant] That's right, you're also a very prolific pot smoker.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that guy's still around. He got, I remember like.


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[Assistant] Who does fucking Sarah Huckabee Sanders on The Howard Stern Show? When the call in?


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[Assistant] Whoever, she's listening to this, that is the funniest fucking voice.


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[Assistant] Wouldn't it make you feel so sick inside to do this?


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[Assistant] Guitar riff for the chicks. That was way cool. Well the confederate flag is always an interesting choice in the background of anybody's TikTok.


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[Assistant] And you've got pet birds in the background.


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[Assistant] But to further his point, I don't- is it rude? I don't think it's rude.


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[Assistant] I have to say, I have never in the history of the internet seen a man disapprove of titty shaking.


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[Assistant] He hasn't had his D touched in so long. That makes, that makes a lot of sense cause his beard isn't even groomed.


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[Assistant] He can't even go on a vacation, I didn't even think about that. At least with a newborn, you can do things.


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[Assistant] I didn't think of all that stuff though. Cause I've been thinking about a monkey lately.


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[Assistant] Look at that monkey's ear. It's so cool. It's like a person's ear. It's like we're related to those monkeys.


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[Assistant] But is that true? Cause you don't want your, you don't want your girl giving that stuff out to all of them. Well you don't. You know what I'm saying?


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[Assistant] I have to say you're so funny and I feel like I'm glad you were with Howard as long as you were because I loved you but I'm so excited to hear more of you. Thank you. And I know your fans are going to love seeing you do stand up and being now like getting to see the whole thing because you're so talented.


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[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


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[Assistant] Hello money moon dog, you sure are pretty girl. I just wanted to tell you that.


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[Assistant] But I ain't gonna interpose if you're underage, I'm out. I'm out.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Stamps.com. If you haven't tried Stamps.com, we've been using it for almost 10 years now. You can actually print postage from your house just like


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[Assistant] Thousands of hours and tons of money every year they bring the same US postal and UPS shipping services right to your computer.


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[Assistant] Free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in Mom. That's Stamps.com. Enter the promo code Mom. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. Go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash The Shit and get two hundred dollars off any mattress of your choice.


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[Assistant] Hey, welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. Please do not use gendered language. We're so happy that you're here. We're happy to be here. I'm coming to you from Los Angeles, California. At my side is my always beautiful co-host, Christine.


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[Assistant] And joining us from Austin, Texas is the one and only Christina P.


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[Assistant] Oh, I gotcha. You're Elton John.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I give up prints. Ohhhhh. Yeaah, cause of the shades and the piano and the head bob. I fucked up.


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[Assistant] You did, you did it right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. How you feeling? How you doing today?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm doing great. No, I'm doing great. We had a nice lunch. Had a salad with chicken. I'm very healthy. I always eat healthy. I've never overeaten before in my life. Everything's good.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we're doing, we're doing great here. We're a bunch of healthy boys.


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[Assistant] Nice. And then do you, are you a sweets guy? Do you eat like, desserts and stuff and, you know, pastries and, what's with that?


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[Assistant] You like mint chocolate chip. See, I like chocolate chip, but I don't like the mint chocolate chip.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And when you go through a pint, two pints, gallon, what do you eat normally?


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[Assistant] I'm guessing there's not a healthy bowel movement at the end of this.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you gotta give it yourself like twice a month maybe. That's a good.