[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I was like, so like, that's probably just as good as the football or basketball team, right? And she's like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, I didn't, uh, I, you know, I had an accident when I was a kid, so I couldn't physically play sports, so I got into theater too, and uh, ha ha, you were almost crippled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I got into theater too, but I was a little embarrassed by it. Now I'm like, why the fuck was I embarrassed? At the time you were? Yea, at the time I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little, where I would like go to rehearsals and then, uh, uh, like I would go smoke weed with my friends after school. And then have to make an excuse that I have to leave and be like, I gotta go help my dad build a deck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that wasn't what I was embarrassed about. It was the amount of makeup that they had you put on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blake, Blake is always our fashion forward friend, so when it was like a Ed Hardy type age. Okay, okay. You never went Ed Hardy, but you wore some Ed Hardy adjacent type clothing. Yeah. And I bet if you had a little more money in your pocket, you might have been Ed Hardy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So no growth. No growth at all. Dude, no. I think I talked about this a few weeks ago, but we found this old, like, note that I had to write for, like, some class. And Chloe found it when we were back home visiting my parents. And now we can't find it again. We should have kept it. But it said, uh, like, goals for my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If a girl sucks on my tits, that does nothing for me, dude. What do you mean? Thank you. Oh, there we go. Yeah, there it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To me, I'm like, it's not enough to make a whole line specifically geared towards NBA players to squash their nuts against their thighs. I'm like, boxer shorts can do that. Boxer shorts? No, you said boxer shorts and you were wrong. He did say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will forever say Newark. No, I think it's, it's, uh, if you're educated, it's Newark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sharpen the knife, and they're like, well now they're visualizing someone being stabbed to death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, me too. I remember the first time I ever came to New York City. It was like a big deal for me because when I was 18, I was like, am I going to move to LA or New York? Because my dream was to always be on SNL. Veiled. And, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They will not return my calls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I moved there. But then when I got Live at Gotham, which was the stand-up show for Comedy Central, and it was the first time I was going to be flown out to New York, I was like, Mom, Dad, I want you to come out to New York. It'll be our first time, all of us, in New York City. It'll be incredible. And my dad goes, Fuck!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, alright. And then I found out years later it was just cause he had a fishing trip planned. Oh what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Jillian, uh, she was riding for SNL and we were like, we wouldn't be able to get her. And we came and we visited and that's when I almost got in a fist fight with Andy Samberg. Oh, cause we went to the after party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam, this is my friend Andy. Andy, this is Adam. And she goes, I'm gonna go get us drinks. And she leaves. And I go, liar. Hey Andy, nice to meet you. I'm Adam. And he goes, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, cause I also, not being from New York and really only coming like maybe once or twice a year,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love going- I love taking the subway and watching like these kids like fucking put a speaker down and then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a large cup contains more caffeine than the equivalent of, uh, standard cans of Red Bull Monster Energy drinks combined, plus the equivalent of nearly 30 teaspoons of sugar, dude. Oh my god. Please don't stop the sugar!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna die with cocaine in my system, uh, because fentanyl, that's a bitch ass drug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely want to die this way. Yeah. Woah, woah. Like, cause this is the most...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the cool thing is they, it already murdered one guy. And they kept selling it. And this is the second guy, and then this absolute psychopath. Right. R.I.P. You. Was like, was like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He died. I bet I could drink that much and not die. Yeah, you gotta try. Let's all go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's get tattoos tonight. Also, what's crazy about it, is it doesn't seem like Panera Bread would be the one to lead the charge on Charged Lemonade. There it is. That's fucking weird. It's not like you go to Panera Bread being like, I wanna be hyped out of my fucking mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you get caught selling drugs, they're like, okay, well now you have to work at the dispensary. Yeah. Yeah. For two months. What? For pay? Who's this lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it doesn't say no. Ohio woman said it's a month in jail. Oh, a month in jail and must work at fast food for two months after she attacked a Chipotle worker. Well, I want to know, like, how aggressive was this attack? Because a month in jail for throwing a burrito bowl? Come on. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how dope New York City is. Cause you know how like it's like super illegal to have guns here? When like in California it's, it's still kinda cool. It's mandatory. Is it? Yea, everybody has to have a gun on them. Adam stays strapped. I'm always strapped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lauren Michaels call me. NYC robbers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I could come bust. Oh, shit. I'm about to come bust.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And frightened about death, what would you say to soothe them? What is the- say it one more time? So, let's say, I'm on my deathbed. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fisted my asshole. There's nothing that can be done. Yeah, this is it. This is it. I've already been fisted, so there's no more you can do for me. And I'm scared because I haven't accepted Jesus Christ into my life. You're not ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I think I can't really, I like, they're giving me ice chips because my voice is real scratchy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the Coat Girls, Dez and Veronica, where you at girls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the least amount of money you'd take to take a shot of one of the guys


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I would drink your guys' cum, I wouldn't have any problem with it. As long as I know, uh, you guys don't have any venereal diseases, I do not care about your jism. So, zero dollars? Yeah, I mean like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't think you're the one, you're not paying them to do it. This is a hypothetical where money is no object and these coke girls with a Z are wild bitches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, is it weird my wife wants to name our first boy Anders? Yea. Or are we flattered?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that leads me to believe that that Durs didn't party. Cause if your name is Durs in high school and our show came out...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We left the workaholics writers room and in fact it only took a few hours and it was sort of a nothing thing and it didn't even feel like we were a part of the movie because we only shot that one thing and then left. That when the movie came out, I forgot that I was in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a gross wet mop you got up there. You are not a cocker spaniel. Since it's culturally appropriate to eat chicken eggs, is it therefore appropriate to gargle horse cum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the very last question. Is Kyle okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to say, uh, a big fuck you to Blake. Woah, a new fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel cause earlier, earlier today I was like, yo, you wanna go eat lunch? And then you go, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, okay, that's fine. And then I found out you went to lunch with Isaac. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you go to lunch with Isaac, and I'm not even getting to go to lunch, and then I didn't even get to guess what I did. I went to Starbucks like a fucking asshole. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the thing. No, that's the thing. It's like, obviously I can talk to Isaac about anything happening in my career in front of you. Why can't you talk about anything in front of Isaac?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna blow up like this, okay? Whatever. Kiss my ass. Fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little known fact, Zoa is owned by none other than Dwayne The Rock Johnson!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus, there's like a ton of really good flavors. Tropical Punch, Wild Orange, Strawberry, Watermelon. And now, you know what I'm sippin' on? None other than Frosted Grape. My personal favorite, because I've only just tried one and it actually is pretty dang good, Cherry Limeade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you told me that the guy from Disturbed actually did, like, lock children in his basement or something, I bet there's... I don't know!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the lead singer of Disturbed is still live, says Todd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm checking out, uh, he doesn't seem that disturbed. He seems just like a guy that is in a band, which, which is a little disappointing. If you name your band Disturbed, you gotta do some disturbing shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you gotta walk the walk. Uh, but I'm also like, well why don't we hear that song at every stadium then? Because I want one of my LA Clippers, one Kawhi Leonard. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what they're all saying, and guess what? I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it feels good, but if the first game of the playoffs, uh, the entire team's knees explode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the furthest they've gone? The western conference finals was the furthest they've gone, uh, they've gone. That was just a couple years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I'm celebrating his- his- How's- how's Beau, man? What's he into? Thirteenth birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad, every time I was in the bathroom, taking a shit,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, quit jerking it, you're gonna go BLIND through the bathroom door. And what's funny is probably 85% of the time he was right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you one of those weirdos that doesn't- that did not look at porn and is just- I think it was standing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Or like l- I can see you doing something like that. You're d- Very detailed. No. Very detailed, Adam. Hey, like, let's just say, I think you're a little disturbed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa. Hitting the grapevine, uh. Yea, no, I really think. While cranking down? While grabbing your grapevine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's never a time you have a toddler in your house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have like an ADU, right? So it's like a mother-in-law suite that you're in. Completely detached.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Daily's a lot for people that are our age that are in a long-term committed relationship. I think daily would be, it's just, that's a lot of doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd say a couple times a week, I'd say at least once, always once. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just waitin' to die. Yeah, so what are your numbers like here, Blake? Cause I feel like my numbers are two, three times a week. Staggering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've mentioned this to Chloe, because she's like, what is your deal? Why are you so horny when you're hungover?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you so horny when you're hungover? Because obviously... Yeah, what is that? She's not. She's like, if we, you know, we drain together, we, you know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think that's what it is. That's, yeah, that's also what I'm, yeah, I think that's what everybody's thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But hang on, so you don't sit down, where do you jerk off? The roof. He's a true workaholic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're not out- First of all- Are we in socks? This is dangerous. The shower- The shower sucks. The shower sucks. You're not into it? No. Of course not. Sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm actually trying to get to the bottom of this because you're the one who...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he, he'll go take a jerk, a jerk off walk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and then, and then use his, uh, dick shovel to dig them back up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I, I want, I want the world to know that Blake is choosing not to talk about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where? I mean, I'm a pretty open book. I've mentioned that I jerk off, uh, I gave times, I gave locations, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was pretty open. You're the one with these deep dark secrets about how you jerk off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is. The fact that you've, that you only stand and you never sit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else? I mean, it'll be a few weeks old now, but we're trying to stockpile some episodes up because I'm going to have a baby and then I'm going to be out of commission for a few weeks. And then Kyle, who no longer is part of the podcast, it can't just be two guys. It's got to be at least three, you know, we're not going to do, you know, uh, so, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you, where are you going? In a few weeks, this is gonna come out a few weeks late, but Blake is going to the Super Bowl, which I'm so stoked. I can't wait to hear all about it. Yeah, bae.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, like there's other shit going down. Well, I think the only, I feel like the, it's the only city that can actually handle


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Super Bowl, like actually handle it. Because there's so much going on there, and there's so much indoor space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can actually, once the game is over,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of those people can go to 30 different casinos and it won't feel that overwhelming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When like, no other city has that, and like, uh, I went to the, the Super Bowl a few years ago, uh, Tampa Bay versus the Chiefs, and it was in Tampa Bay, and there's like one stretch where people party in Tampa Bay, and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well sure, but I'm just saying like, there was like one main street, which is, a lot of cities have that, where it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, in Austin, it's like 6th Street. It's like a lot of places just have the one main drag and that's where everybody goes. But Vegas, uh, I mean the main drag is the strip, but there's like 40 casinos that people can get lost in. I think it's a great place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that I'm not gonna be, you know, I'm obviously-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, our agent gave us, gave us tickets. That's how Blake got hooked up. And I know that they offer, he offered tickets to Durs and myself. And I'm bummed that I couldn't be there because I know


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That the, that the game is gonna be great. I think it's gonna be a really good game. And then beyond that, the parties and how much fun we would have after the game would be a blast. And before the game and the day leading up to the game. It would be so much fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might, you're gonna be standing up in that hotel room just cranking down, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's better, I will say it's better than standing up like a fucking lunatic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're in a box, I know my boys up in a box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, are you, are you gonna have to like beef up on your Jacksonville Jaguar knowledge? Cause you're gonna be the owner, so you feel like maybe you should have like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, real sexy witch. Is that what you're saying? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well I wonder if he's gonna be, I wonder if you are a football player. You go. You go. I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, do you go to the Super Bowl or, or do you go, I don't give a fuck. I'm not there. So I actively don't care about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but Gronk's there to make money. He was like doing endorsement deals and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go, man. Let's go! Let's go, dude. And I think, uh, All Star Weekend is actually in Vegas this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vegas is really starting to now stake a claim. I'm saying it's saying like we are the hub. Like we are the fun. It's Las Vegas. I feel like it's been the hub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Haven't been in so damn long, uh, I, I went for a Green Day concert not too long ago, but then before that, it was like five plus years that I, that I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think for what, cause none of us are like real club guys and I think that's why we didn't like Vegas when we were younger, but now we're older dude. So now we could go to like be a little older and like go to a dope dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They take their clothes off, they dance, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I noticed that about you whenever we've been in a strip club together. You're always standing up. Yeah, I'm just with my hands in my pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those like cool lounges that aren't a club, it's more of like you have like a dope dinner and then it's like a cool, uh, upscale bar, I suppose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can really get in the mix, dude. Do whatever you want to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I like it. I also like to throw some craps around, throw some dice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think that they have Mario, but they actually do have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Video games that you can gamble on in Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have like the video game lounges. They're all over. I think all the main casinos have it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, one of those sports books and you just go with your buddies and put money on all the games. So it's like, you know, it's extra exciting and then just sit there and get drunk and sit there all day long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I personally hope your team doesn't win. Doesn't win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my family, we're midwestern and they all are huge Kansas City fans, so, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm, I'm with you. I understand. And that's why I'm like, if the Chiefs lose, sick. My boy Blake is having a fucking awesome time in Vegas. That sounds cool. So I'm not that mad at it. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think it's cool that they have such a dynasty, eh, the Kansas City Chiefs. So I think it's pretty rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, CMC, he's the man. In those pants? Is that what you're saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Were you saying in those pants or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okie dokie. Dude, I know, I know my boy Ders. When he says things like that, I feel he's a little, a little disturbed. You're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Tony Gonzalez, that kind of changed the modern day tight end, correct?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tony Gonzalez, who I did that Amazon commercial with. Super nice guy. Great skin. And he still looks like he could play football. The guy's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was right next to him standing the entire time. Uhm, but, uh, yeaah, so he kind of changed what the modern day tight end is, is like a little more athletic than what they used to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Much like, uh, much like the gronkinator, and then now we got Travis Kelton. Oh yea, big gronk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So why, why can't you, I've got family coming in town and Chloe's giving birth next week. That's why I'm not going to the Super Bowl. Ders, you just have like family stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just get- You pay the waiter to watch them in the pool. Give them a bucket of quarters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and it was the, uh, what's the, like, Aladdin's Castle one? The one that is, like, in Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I think so. Like I was like 14 or 13, however old. That's sick. Damn, son. And, uh, we, we stayed at, you know, what's the one that like the dragon comes out and breathes fire? Excalibur, dude. We stayed there, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't, dude. It doesn't. It's reeks. It reeks of mold. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then they like, were like, hey, we'll take you to Circus Circus, that'll be fun. And then we go to Circus Circus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they, I mean they're not like degenerate gamblers but they're in Vegas so they're gonna wanna like gamble a little bit and then they just like gave us quarters and we just sat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At this shitty arcade at Circus Circus and played, uh, played video games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't go to Vegas. I think my parents were cheap and they got like a, it was like a discounted tickets and hotel room stay. Cause you can, they do give great discounts. That being said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to Vegas once with you and your dad. Was that your 21st birthday?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we, uh, I remember for whatever reasons I'd look back, it must have been kind of... cold?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, that's what I'm saying. By the way, I wanna do...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where they go and, is it, this is 40 and they go and do, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they go and do mushrooms and then see Cirque du Soleil. I'm like, that to me sounds like an absolute wonderful day in Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're not watching it like it's, you're not like hovering above. It'll be like the game is happening here and then this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Blake, I mean, yea, that gum sucks and it probably shouldn't. No, no, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's, that's a classic American, uh, Los Angeles diner, right? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, juicy fruit, I feel like- You take juicy fruit over-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't mean anything to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I would be, they would do something to me, but fruit striped gum. Now and laters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like a, or like a candy cane when you would just deep throat it and then swab on it until it would get into a shank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we were talking candy, dude. You get all sexual with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I remember you at least having that when we were like young and you were like, I have this 500 page book and I was like, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, how many pages? Ew! Uh, yuck!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird how Blake was so kind of standoffish and defensive about how much he's done it or like where he does it. Uh, usually we're all very open and honest and it's cool and I'm-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the ugly duckling. I won't give flowers cause we don't do that, but I think it is. Thumbelina. I would like to pay my respects to Blake for keeping some things for himself and having secrets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fart all the time, dude. All the time. I've always been in my dick in weird directions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the guy, I'm assuming. Yeah, good name, good name. He's like, uh, is Dwayne here? And they're like, no, but my son is dying, he's turning blue, and he's on Quaaludes, and he's like, oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always fucked with that one pretty hard. My mom said that we're, you know, cause we're from Iowa and Nebraska and we don't say fixin'. And my mom for whatever reason drew a line in the sand. Probably cause she was high on quailudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To happen. And she's like, I do not want an open casket, which all of our family has done an open casket, and it's so much fun to look at them all weird looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a guy walk into a room and people like stop. Yes. People like. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I remember this kid, I might have told this on the podcast, but this kid, uh, I was at a dance in 7th or 8th grade, and I'm in, I have my crutches, cause I was a crippled little bitch, and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Jenny wants to know, what percentage of guys, of your guys bodies would you donate to Adam if it would cure all of his ailments? What percentage? I already said you could have my body. I know you can't donate 100% of your body, but like a certain amount,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, if I was face down, mom pooping on my back, that's alright. Let's bring back buck chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to buy it, don't you? Do you have to buy Robux? Like, like if you're in a game, you have to purchase- Yes, we're so old, this sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Yeah, but what about the first thing that you were jerkin' off too? Like, not the first time you jerked off. Like, for me it was kinda like... Milk coming out of my future wife's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they have spoken. How ba- how bad do you want it? I kinda want it bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew a middle school teacher of yours, you pancake dick fuckface.


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[Assistant] As we were pulling into the city, I said like 30 times, like, hey guys, welcome home-a-ha.


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[Assistant] Sure, I feel like you are really willy nilly with points specifically to Ders. I feel like Kyle and I can say something very funny. Yes we can.


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[Assistant] Uh, but I miss it. I miss coming back here, man. Uh, last time I was, not the last time, but the time before I was here, I did this thing called Becoming, which was like this weird documentary about myself, but I'm not dead yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, they were like, they were like, yea, just look misty-eyed out at the intersection. So it's just awkwardly me standing in the intersection going like,


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[Assistant] And then I would do this like three or four times and then go


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[Assistant] I hope Jeff Pomeroy, or whatever his name is, is here right now.


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[Assistant] CEO's pizza, you never had it so good. CEO's pizza. By the way, I remember in my child brain, I remembered it being way sexier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you also, uh, mention, uh, Romeo's, not your typical restaurant, Romeo's, not your typical place. We got it? I, that one I have to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wasn't in a wheelchair. By high school I was out of the wheelchair. I think freshman year I had one of my last surgeries and, uh, and then I was able bodied.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I was up, I did, I did have one teacher, uh, that, that, I mean... Is this gonna get dark? Yeah, no.


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[Assistant] You know, underpaid and they're cleaning up a lot of responsible adults. Teenager shit. Yeah. Yeah, so they're a little bummed. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Dude, no, that is tight. Imagine how pumped they are when they're like, okay, so this is what I call dry ice.


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[Assistant] So when was your, uh, first time, was the first time, I know you came to our buddy Austin Anderson's wedding.


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[Assistant] Dude, they're awesome, and the amount of times I've DM'd with Runza, cause I'm always talking about Runza, and they're always DM'ing and being like, hey, thanks for mentioning us and that thing, and I'm like, you're welcome. Send me some? Right, right.


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[Assistant] And they liter- they never do. They're like, buy a fucking runs asshole. To be fair.


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[Assistant] So that's where we're at now. And that's the best part of Nebraska football is not the football season. Right.


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[Assistant] I like how we're all gonna turn, we're about, we're so close to turning on Warren Buffett, the oracle of Omaha, who we all just instinctually love, cause he's like 80 years old, he's rich, but not an asshole about it. He eats McDonald's and shit. Yeah, and he, yeah, he just goes to DQ every day. In his cameras. Does he really? That's fucking cool.


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[Assistant] What do they call that, that bear? The California Sun Bear. Sure, yeaah. Oh yeaah. That like, that has just like the little furry pouch on, on his belly.


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[Assistant] And I just was like, I put up tents, being like, everybody just drink inside the tents, and when you're out of the tents, don't drink, cause my parents are home. Right.


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[Assistant] Let's go! Let's go! And, uh, I go to the cops, just drunk off my ass, I'm like 17 years old, and I go, Sorry officers, uh, I'll turn it down.


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[Assistant] She believed you? I do a good impression of both of my parents and my dad was like, Jesus Christ.


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[Assistant] And then, uh, somehow we got out of all that shit, dude.


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[Assistant] Uh, but, but it was fun, all of my friends, I had like, you know, 28 I think, or 26, something like that, all my friends that got minor in possession of alcohol, so they had to like, do all this shit, they're on probation, do all this stuff, uh, and then I didn't, I got out of all of it, and didn't have to do any of it.


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[Assistant] They didn't look there. But I've never seen my dad more mad. My dad, uh, uh, he's like, you know, he's a very nice guy. He would never get mad.


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[Assistant] Like he would never get mad, even when I was a little kid and my mom would be like, you know, my dad was off at work and he'd come home and she's like, he was being bad all day, you have to punish him. And then I'd hear my dad go, Jesus Christ.


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[Assistant] And then like, go lower, he'd be like, Get Adam!


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[Assistant] Uh, so that was the basis of where we were choosing, like, where to work, uh, for Workaholics. Ders and I were both like, hey, the saddest place in the world to work is a call center. Because it's always, it's like, I was always pretty good at it.


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[Assistant] They're fucking crazy cause they're like, man, you just gotta, they can't say no when you're like, they can.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna set this down, just kinda kick it. And they're just talking, that's when you just in conversation be like, ugh, that is so funny. And your visa, does that start with a four or what number?


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[Assistant] Actually, for the most part, kinda nice. And so they're like, you know what, I, I, I, we just don't have room in my freezer or whatever. I'm not in the market for frozen steaks right now. And then I would go, hang on one second. And then I go, what's that? Well, that's not until the holidays. Yeah.


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[Assistant] And Neanderthals died. Dude, I like that I posted, I, I saw this headline and I posted it this morning and like the photo I was like, yeah, that could be my uncle.


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[Assistant] Did news, I guess when I was a kid I wasn't reading a lot of news so I don't know if it was dumb or not, but now it has to be like, you don't get the newspaper so it has to be like a headline attention grabbing enough for you to click on it. Oh yeaah. And then they just post a photo of a Neanderthal who looks like everyone's uncle. Right. They know what they're doing. They're good at it.


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[Assistant] So this one's crazy, we just found out about this one, uh, a Senate staffer who allegedly filmed, not even allegedly, there's a video out there, they're buttfuckin' in Congress!


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[Assistant] Dude, so this one's crazy.


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[Assistant] It is funny, you see like, uh, like, cause we do meet and greets afterwards, and some people are like, it's the best decision you'll ever have, you're gonna love it, and then some people are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say that it is, it's weird, I keep catching my stelle, I never really, you know, you notice kids when you don't have kids, you're like, oh, look at this cute kid, cool. Now I'm staring at babies. Now I'm just like,


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[Assistant] Like fucking stop, dude. Yeah. Fuck off. Oh, dude. Oh, that happened this morning. We were in Kansas City. We had a show in Kansas City last night. And, uh, yea, Kansas City. And we, uh, I was in the elevator. They were having like a cheerleader, little girl cheerleader convention. Yea. Or competition, I guess. Yea, cheer competition. Yea, cheer comp. And there was hundreds of little girls that are just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, and so I get in the elevator and, uh, this mom and her two daughters, and her daughters kind of recognize me, but the mom is like staring at me. And I'm like, pretty hungover. We got after it last night. Yeah, we did.


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[Assistant] I go, no, I'm, I'm Adam Devine, and she goes, SHUT UP!


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[Assistant] I was just saying my name, and she goes, take a photo with my kids, they're big fans.


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[Assistant] And I'm like, well a big fan would know my name.


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[Assistant] So, this person wants to know, it's a No Hold Barred Battle Royale fight. Which one of y'all wins?


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[Assistant] Well that's why I think I would win because I would, I would grab dicks, I would bite. Wait, you said you would win?


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[Assistant] So, Jacob, the snokub. Okay. Uh, Blake, will you wear my wife like a feedbag? What the fuck?


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[Assistant] Who of the four bros have put more hoes before bros? We never got a lot of hoes. Who of the four bros put more hoes before bros? There was never many hoes to be put before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I'll add on to that. I think that my favorite part of the tour was hanging with you guys and getting to spend some time with you guys. You know, we're all growing up and as you grow up, you don't hang out with your friends as much as you...


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[Assistant] It is crazy when you meet a man who looks like he could beat your ass and it looks older than you. And he's like, I actually, uh, grew up with you.


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[Assistant] Lots of, uh, corn husk and beef eatin' little motherfuckers.


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[Assistant] This is, I don't know. Well I've been doing that, I will say that I've been doing this a lot. Uh huh. Uh, and it's cause I'm obese now.


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[Assistant] I could see that. I definitely look like, uh, like a dad who's always trying to fix their car. I'll take a look at it.


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[Assistant] And then just go like- So sexy. And there's like six shirtless dudes behind him all going-


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[Assistant] You can go into com- this is embarrassing, you can go into comedy clubs, and there's comics, and I like know all the comics that are working today, right? And so, there are friends of mine that are on stage, and, and, uh, this kid, he was probably like, I mean, he sounded like a child, but it's an avatar, and he's laughing, and I'm like, oh, you think this guy's pretty funny? And he's like,


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[Assistant] You guys have talked about this before, I do, I'm also a man. I'm a man. Yeah, sure. And I was a prepubescent boy. Okay. And no longer with a six-stache. I feel like you're just ragging now, go ahead.


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[Assistant] I mean a few nights ago we were in Indianapolis and I accidentally drank a half bottle of vodka myself. Oops. And then we went out and then we also got way more drunk and I don't remember going to sleep and then Blake ended up with a ton of wounds on him.


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[Assistant] Yes. Do you remember in the early 2000s when Nash Lampoon was still making movies but it was all just like...


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[Assistant] Confused with R. Kelly either. Like he's a very successful man, but...


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[Assistant] And I'm like, oh yeaah, I'm an actor. And he's like, oh, I knew it. I recognize you. And then I'm like, oh, cool, cool. And then at the very end of the ride, he goes, man, I loved Goonies.


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[Assistant] Oh, she's a little blonde girl that's very meek? What is she?


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[Assistant] Cool. That's great. So it's crazy that Britney Spears, first of all, did a memoir.


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[Assistant] So Justin Timberlake turns off Instagram comments amid backlash from Britney Spears.


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[Assistant] I don't know man. See, I wouldn't want to double it. Here's what I would do. Here's what I would do. Okay.


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[Assistant] I know what I'm doing. No, no, no. So I like shooting things from the sky.


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[Assistant] Talk about the rat buster scene from Workaholics. Oh yeaah, the rat buster scene. So we actually, we had, this was based on a true story where we lived, me, Blake and Kyle lived in the Workaholics house where we shot the show and before we got the show we had this crazy rat infestation and also during the show.


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[Assistant] What should I get as my next tattoo? Also, I'm doing an impression of Emily. Also, can you give my friend Maggie, who couldn't be here, a shout out? No! Not gonna do that. She should've bought a ticket. Yeah. You know? If Maggie wanted a shout out,


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[Assistant] Freakin' see ya. Uh huh. And throws the DVD. Was it intentional or an accident that he hit the light?


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[Assistant] Hey, me neither, but a friend told me. Uh, you can't dude.


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[Assistant] And I stand by keeping the money and shooting rockets with my friends.


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[Assistant] I get a lot of people that are like, well what is the live tour all about? I'm sure you plan things. Oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] I was leaving my neighborhood and I lived in the, I lived in the Hollywood Hills so like my house was...


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[Assistant] So Britney Spears, uh, we just talked about her the other night. Okay.


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[Assistant] The police say she's fine, this is all overblown, she's expressing her freedom as she continues to do.


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[Assistant] Like, young people now, when they're like, cause remember when, like, our parents would be like, you don't fuck with boss gags? And I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about.


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[Assistant] Oh, I know. Whenever I know what it's like, I just do a little bit of acid every morning, and then...


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[Assistant] How magical was it the first time you were


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was a fun scene. I mean, I feel like- And now it's like a TikTok, uh, thing. Yeah, it is. Of me crying, being like, I've never seen- Yeah, I almost died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those guys were not ever expecting any lines or to even be featured. They were just background extras and then we just gave them all lines and Jet Set ran with it.


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[Assistant] So Adam, have you seen a neuro specialist for your muscle spasms you've been experiencing? Yes.


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[Assistant] Okay. They just said you're a bitch. Okay.


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[Assistant] Uh, true love says- I'm more like real love. Go ahead, read it. How was the experience with the Gravitron?


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[Assistant] Joe Riley says, in three and a half men, how many hot dogs did Adam eat?


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[Assistant] And she did not give me the time of day, and then the whole, like I took her out on like three dates and every time she'd be like the lead singer of, what, who is it?


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[Assistant] I don't know those other guys you've been fucking on the weekend. Let's be a lady tonight.


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[Assistant] On weekends, I would go to my dad's. There was a boxing match at my dad's and Fat Dudu's house. And their whole thing was-


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[Assistant] That Blake won, like he picked the right round for the fighter to get in.


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[Assistant] Millennium, I know where they all are in... Yeah, dude. Burbank.


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[Assistant] But if you go now, you can act like you're going into Hot Topic to shop for someone else.


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[Assistant] I'm trying to figure out what would be the difference between you two guys' shit, but uh, I don't know. I guess Adam next, cause he has the Omaha Steaks hookup, so I get my veggies, then I get my meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But other than that, I would like to take back the fact that I said poop has vitamins in it, so I'll take that back.


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[Assistant] Wow. Guys, we're sor- we're surrounded.


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[Assistant] And they were popular before you came to Hollywood, right?


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[Assistant] What a cool, nice guy. Damn, I got in a car accident, I remember once delivering pizzas. Oh shit. And the fucking pizza got wrecked, dude. Dude! But I was kinda- Pizza, pizza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a bloody nose, cuz I fucking hit the car.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you're like a weird scarecrow. I was the hero that delivered the pizza, even though I got... I was the hero!


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[Assistant] I don't know, my parents are pretty chill, bro. No, dude, you would get grounded all the time when you were a kid. Well, back then, yea- Oh, you're talking back then, yes.


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[Assistant] I mean, that's wild. You could have turned around and been like, yeah, I am a son of a bitch.


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[Assistant] Seven Seasons. But the movie was definitely like what I think I went to Hollywood to do was to make a movie. So that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, please, every place has a cap. Okay. Sure, for sure, no doubt. And so like, in for, so you gotta go back to like Grecian times, and the original Latin word for cap was capita, right? Oh, shit. That makes a lot of sense.


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[Assistant] Sure. The screen? They, they just go, uh, the mesh. It was made


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[Assistant] What is your problem? Although I will say, short story, when I moved to LA, and this is, this is me, I'm not taking shots of this guy. It's a fucking weird, tough business. I was served by one. Here we go. I was served at a restaurant by one of the guys.


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[Assistant] They're served by them? Like at a restaurant?


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[Assistant] Right? It had a perspective, it had a point of view. That point of view was bleach blonde, spiky, like super tight ribbed t-shirts.


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[Assistant] For sure. Yea. Where did you learn that though? Probably Britney Spears.


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[Assistant] Where is Kathy Spears? Kathy Spears? I don't know, I assume it's Kathy Spears.


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[Assistant] So wait, is there a whole routine where like, maybe you bring extra underwear with you some places?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be fair, to be fair, he didn't raise, he, we said hang on, who hasn't had diarrhea, put your hands up. He put his hands up, we said you're lying, show us your asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we started with the idea of getting to see Adam's dick and we wrote the movie, we built the world around that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, I will say, rewatching Dahmer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature. Today we talk about your career


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm s- oh good, you still have the popo's owl button. Very good. That's great. Never losing that, baby. Gentlemen, gentlemen, how are we gentlemen? Good? Doing good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, did you see the video of Jared Leto where he like climbed up the outside of the, of whatever hotel he was staying at and just like fucking stood there like three stories up and was like, I just did that.


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[Assistant] So abreast. I must be getting so, I must be deep in the Leto algorithm or something, like it's just fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those videos are rough. Like ankle breaker runways. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I've seen. I thought it was dad saves. That's like the kid fail with the happy ending. What's dad saves? Dad saves is when dads fucking save, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, give me some perspective on that, enlighten me a little bit more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At one point we made these things to reflect humanity. Oh, here comes Kyle from the top rope, baby. That was the whole point of the art, was to reflect, was to reflect humanity.


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[Assistant] I'm not saying that's the reason, I'm just saying that's, yeaah, okay, alright, let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're right, you're right, because that's why would you go to a theater to do, to watch anything but that big, that big movie? Why would you go to a theater to watch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the share, Adam, it's, it's, it's your, I know what you're saying. I think I know what you're saying. I can pile on. Like I think you're saying like the share was at least there. There were comedies in the theater that were making money and that could basically, there was commerce there. There was a business there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they probably still, they probably still made their money back and they were probably still sustainable. Right now they're, they're quoting, they're saying that that type of film is not sustainable. Probably not good enough for the bottom line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's, it's not sustainable. They're saying you can't make money off that shit in a box office and it's like, if you did...


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[Assistant] If you, I know there's so much fucking money in the box office and we're just not grabbing it. It's just not happening because we're giving it to the internet.


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[Assistant] It is because people aren't coming into the theaters, people aren't going to theaters. You know what I mean? The demand has gotten fucked up.


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[Assistant] They don't take swings and they're not events. They're like, we're gonna just put this on, uh, on, uh, on the streamer and then you'll find it when you find it and it's gonna be a part of our thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well here's the thing, when you take a 250 million dollar budget for one of these Marvel movies and you think, you know what, that could be fucking eight comedies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Eight. Right. That right there is eight comedies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, the shallows, yeaah. Very good. I'm a little shallow. Shallow art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it comes to like, when it comes to like, you know, Burt's movie or, or, or, or Durge's movie, how long were they?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the Anders Holm vehicle. How long were they even in the theaters before they started cannibalizing it online?


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[Assistant] There's an appetite to sit on the couch and do that, but there's not an appetite, there's an appetite to keep their subscription going, there's not an appetite to get off their butts and go to the theaters to watch it and fund that commerce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? But look at everything everywhere all at once. Everything everywhere all at once. A24, smart studio. Is that a movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put that movie in the theater, it didn't start, it didn't start rolling, like actually catching on for like four to six weeks in the box office. These movies aren't even getting chances in the box office anymore. Jurassic-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're, it's, it's more about canon and lore and bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's... Where's Tommy Boy? Where's Black Knight? Where's Mars Martin Lawrence going back in time?


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[Assistant] Which one did, uh, which one did Fred Durst and, uh, Limp Bizkit do the down-da-down-da-down-da-da-down-down-da-down-da-down-da-down-da-da-da-down-down?


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[Assistant] Yo, is that the underwater one? Is that the one where he's gotta hold his breath? Is that ghost protocol?


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[Assistant] That's epic. Indeed, and he has to turn off a bomb.


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[Assistant] Dude, Tom Cruise fuckin' sits on an apple box on set and just waits and he's like, what's up, when am I ready to go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know why? Do you know why though? Because they have to survive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. When Vin Diesel, when Vin Diesel


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Fast and Furious, Vin Diesel and The Rock, like, go hand-to-hand combat. I can't remember which movie it is, but they go hand-to-hand combat and crush a parking structure. Okay? Like, they're like, throwing each other on the ground and stuff. It's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a great reveal. The great reveal is slow motion hands coming out of the pocket. Just like, why is he standing like ice tea?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're mispronouncing it now and I don't appreciate that. I'm sorry, I miss you. I wish there was a fucking- I wish there was a real appetite for parodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You haven't seen the one with the safes? You haven't seen the one with the safes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so cool. That was the coolest when they were doing that. I was like, yes.


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[Assistant] Seven of them, dude. How do you even tell? I can't tell the difference between the Fast and the Furious now. They're at ten. You know what I mean? It's like, I don't know what the fuck happened in fucking four through nine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not in the streets anymore, we're becoming- Oh, Gorilla Bond. Yeah, fix-a-dent.


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[Assistant] Oh, right. Yeah, so Mystery Man is the shoveler, right? That's the shoveler and the fucking- and Kel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The coolest thing about Entourage right now is that, uh, the creator Doug Allen is a huge pickle baller.


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[Assistant] Oh dude, he's got a fuckin' sick-ass spot wherever he's playing, it's like, oh dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I guess you're right. Now that you- I'm not gonna even defend what I said, cause that was obviously me just protecting my ego.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he just had to shit though. Maybe he also was moaning out of pain because he had a very hurt abdomen. You know, it was frustrating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you enlighten me on what you're saying about marathoners? Just tell me what you're, what'd you mean by that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a flu bug or something. Well, what do you mean? Didn't you have COVID? No, not just like, I- Can you clarify that a little bit for me? Didn't you have COVID? I didn't puke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it happened like- And so now you're just like, now you're alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now did you, did you throw it, or were you like, were you, did you throw it, or were you, cause I've never actually visualized this moment before, I've heard this story a million times. It's like, if, did you smack it on him, like you spanked him with it, or, or what's the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was weird. He like- No, no, that's not what I'm asking. I'm just wondering- We don't know that. We don't know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, don't get hit with a buzz ball. Just watch your back, Jack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should just have a bunch of empty ones, get them to make a bunch of empty ones, put a little ticket inside of it that says congratulations, go redeem your buzz ball and then throw the empty buzz balls out, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the buzz. At the, at the event, all they have to do is walk up to the stage and redeem their, their ticket. I don't think that's a lot of work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're redeeming it at the stage, or at the bar, or wherever, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They still got, they still have bars there, dude. Yea, they got snacks. They have multiple bars. They have a lot of bars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is true. The fact that we don't?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he rocked that. Forrest Gump rocked Vietnam, bro. He crushed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you didn't have to pay for security, it's great. Well, big thank you to that guy. Yeah, that's huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, shout out to Flo. Flo Groberg. Good job out there, buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, about my father, okay? The Machine, not in theaters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like this first cut of the diarrhea track, but maybe add a couple jingles in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I thought it was so far. The way you explained it, you're like, it's a suburb. It's like, not in Chicago. It took us like 15 minutes to get there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Bad name for a school. The Wild Kits? Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, on TikTok, uh, I would re- I think we could pull that off. Have you seen the TikToks where it's just like a bunch of guys with like floppy hair like this? Right. And then they just do this and the camera, they just go, here stand up. Yeah, standing up now.


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[Assistant] I was like, this guy is a fucking genius.


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[Assistant] I, I, uh, ordered food. Our, our manager's last name is Horn, but with an E. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No shots fired against that man's hairy asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, stop fighting. No, don't. And then that friend who was like


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[Assistant] He went, he, his neighbor goes, hey, can you give me a ride to the, uh, bank? And he's like, okay.


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[Assistant] He would do this impression, which in hindsight pretty funny, we would get really stoned and he'd go, he'd be on the couch and he'd go, hey, hey, what am I? I don't know dude, what are you? And then he'd go, I'm a ham sandwich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just, uh, two days ago, uh, cancer free, cause he got cancer again.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they were very cool. Uh, that, that reminds me of when we used to do press early on for Workaholics and people were like, what fun guest stars are you guys gonna have? And that was before anyone wanted to do our show. And so we just said, we may or may not have Denzel Washington next season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, Andy Olinski wants to know, uh, who is your favorite wrestler of all time? Who's your favorite what? Wrestler. Wrestler of all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and he said brother? Like, brother, brother. Okay, okay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, dude, you, you shave it with a razor. You don't shave it with a... Trimmer?


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[Assistant] Oh my god. This is important. It's gonna start dropping two episodes a week. Episodes are gonna be dropping on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Isn't that hilarious?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're on the tour now guys and, uh, we're churning out apps. So get ready. It's going to be a wham. It's going to be a bam. Thank you ma'am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is right now? Anyway. No, I said I don't know my kids' birthdays, but I know Ted Theodore Logan. Hell yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if that's my earliest memory, but that's from when I was like 6.


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[Assistant] Uh, Mark McGrath on Workaholics, very cool, very funny. I'm a fan for light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on now. Oh, is it? Yeah, I should have known. You gotta remix that. It's Lil Bow Wow. Uh, Dersi? You're a grand old play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's one coming into Orange County. There's one right there, right off the freeway.


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[Assistant] Yes. That's gotta be a reality show prank. As you enter Orange County, there's a Hooters right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are hanging on for dear life. They also tagged it, uh, it's, it's with like a Howard Johnson or something, which is a cool combo. While you're staying at a sick mid-tier hotel, you gotta get your belly full of wings. Oh yeah, it's a, it's a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we're talking about my body. Finally. Thank you. God. It's been a while. It's been too long. Kinda have to. The people are gonna be asking questions. Yea, they're gonna ask some cues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kids gotta be in parades, I totally understand. Uhm, yeaah. Oh, absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yea, no, just as far as how my body, and to get back to the most important thing of the podcast is my body. Uh, well, since, since my... Sure. That's, that's why the people listen. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, since I can't work out the way I used to, now I lift bass- I lift as heavy as I can, essentially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. No, it's, I, it's, I have a mix of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm doing some incline flies. I'm doing, I'm, I do everything in my garage. So just what I can do there. So I'm not going to a proper gym, but I am fairly swole. As swole as I've, I think I've ever been.


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[Assistant] My buddy Swolee Mammoth, who is a trainer based out of Charleston, South Carolina, he sends me workouts every morning. So I get a new fresh batch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five, five, I would say five days a week, and uh, and then I just bang it out. Go in the garage, get my, get my swole on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go, baby boy. I like that. You, you lift, you lift loud, right? Yeah, I think I've gotten better. I think the last time, probably the last time you saw me lift was probably like eight years ago or something like that. Way deeper than the workaholics days, like probably eight to ten years ago. And I think I've gotten much quieter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The older I've gotten, I used to be a real guttural screamer. We wrote a workaholics episode, kind of based around it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I love it. Uh, yeah, well, I mean, uh, it was so fun. I mean, the, we, the premier party was last week, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was a banger. I was like, that was probably the wildest. It was a true down. One of the true wildest premiere after parties I've been to. Yeah. Uh, besides like workaholics season one and two. Those


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those are a different animal. Yeah, they, we were still in our, in our twenties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sandman himself, Adam Sandler, graced the red carpet, which was great to see. Yes! And we're all really excited for the movie, so it comes out July 7th, and I couldn't be more excited for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Blake, I think you said it right. I think you did a poster where you're like, Blake comes in and just steals every damn scene he's in. Oh my gosh. In a movie about thievery. He's my god damn assassin. Thanks for being in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I wanted Ders in it as well, but you were shooting something else while we were out.


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[Assistant] Pierce. True legend. Michael Rooker. Ellen Barkin.


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[Assistant] He's- he's been in the biz for a minute. For me, it's Days of Thunder is the one that- Oh, shit. Dude, he's opposite Tom Cruise, and you're like, your eye was always kind of rooting for Rooker. I'm like, this fucking badass. Dude, eye for-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I loved Days of Thunder so much that the first porno I ever saw in my life. My friend's dad had this porno and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100% of the time. And I remember like one of the next mornings we were spending the night at my buddy's house and his mom was making his pancakes and we wanted to talk about it so we made up a fake name for it and we called it Nights of Thunder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, Nights of Thunder. And she's like, what's Nights of Thunder? And we're like, it's the sequel to Days of Thunder, it's gonna come out soon, you haven't seen it. And she was like, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was just like, it was our favorite movie and we were always talking about Days of Thunder. And so then it was like an easy thing.


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[Assistant] It's not a race car. Ohhh. Ah, shoot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was not a race car theme. I thought it was more like babes of thunder. Yeah, and it's just no it was it was just like Gaze of thunder. I don't know man. That would be kind of cool. Yeah gaze of thunder. Yeah


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa! What is he in JFK? I don't remember JFK that well. He's John F. Kennedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I haven't seen that one. Todd is saying he plays Bill Brassard. So, that's a person. That seems like a real guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that would rock our socks, exactly. Our socks are getting fully rocked.


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[Assistant] He's like a martial arts expert. He's like a eighth degree black belt. He gives that vibe. And I'm probably wrong with the degree but he's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I-I-I, cause I was Nina's crew asked me to do a shot, I'm like, okay, and then one other person asked me to do a shot, and then I did a shot with Tim, and then I did a shot with Isaac.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, uh, taking, uh, I like got a Blink 182 tattoo, cuz my character in the movie is a big fan, and he has the voice recognition code to get in his vault, uh, cuz he's a bank manager, is, she left me roses by the stairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everywhere, people are like, Oh no, it's across the board. I've been to one of those parties in Charleston, South Carolina. I think it's Tats. Tats are very, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, just. Or just, it's just gom. G-O-M. Yeah, I just get gom on our throat. Now we're talking. Gom shoulder tats. I'm gonna gom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna gum. I'm gonna gum. Yeah, the party was, the party was pretty sick. Nina, Nina was throwing down. That was fun. Yeah, she parties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To have, to play opposite her in the movie just cause it's, we've become such good friends and it's, uh, just so easy to work with someone that you already know. Like working with you guys, it's like we have such a shorthand that it doesn't have to be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything doesn't need to be a thing, which I appreciate.


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[Assistant] Fuck it! Well you know how like you work with another actor and it's like- You don't like them? They have like such a- you hate them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's just, other people just have like a, like, every, everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, of course. Uh, but she, she rocked. So, uh, and thanks for coming to the party. It was, it was a banger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Sean was there. L-Lorell was looking fly in his suit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rell, Rell's a great guy. Uh, everybody really, Lauren Lapkus is super funny in the movie. So funny, she's great too. Yep, shout out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody, that's what I love so much about the movie is all of the other, is my body in it. And also, uh, all of the other actors just crush. Like, Blake comes in, knocks out the park, uh, Richard Kind as my dad, and Julie Haggerty, my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was solid gold too. It was like hard in the edit to like whittle him down because once you wind him up he just is going.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he told me, he told me that they've just known each other since they were like struggling actors and...


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[Assistant] It makes sense. I think he was part of that crew, and I could be wrong, so someone look it up for me, but, uh, I think he was the star of ER.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Richard Kind was in that crew that he gave all of his friends a million dollars. He gave like 20 friends a million dollars each. Yes. No way! When are you gonna do that, Adam?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I love that he's one of your favorite actors, and it's not Kyle, dude. I'm offended. I'm offended on Kyle's behalf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm just saying, it's the dude from playing Czech. Oh, and by the way, just looked up who Grant Heslov is, and I do not know this man. I don't know him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't rock like that. Yea, but George, you're not going to be George Clooney and you never will be with that attitude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well see, the thing is, is if you were George Clooney, you would make all your friends successful. You would, you would introduce them to the right people, they would know the right people, that your friends are their friends, and then they become successful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rope shoes, and you're like, alright. Hey, Ders. Invested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it is. Well, we did the Outlaws movie, it comes out July 7th, so you're listening to this on Netflix, you're listening to this on the 4th of July, you're having a little get together, you're having your This Is Important party, rocking out to the pod, listening to This Is Important, you're having a TII Nation


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, shit, dude, I didn't know, I didn't know, I thought you were about to say hosted by me and I was, I'd have been like, whoa, I didn't know that you'd, but you're in an episode of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like every once in a while you'll see it on Instagram where it's just like, it just looks like a blender and then they take a knife to it and it's a god damn cake and you're like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is like, that isn't cake. Do not cut into my ass. Don't cut my ass, dude. What the fuck are you doing? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, Sean Connery, Westless Nights. Is that vagina or is it sushi? Cake. Yeah. So what, so Blake, explain the episode to us. So do you, so he- Of the real show. Of the real show. So Mikey Day is going like- Yes, uh, uh, let's get out of the gutter for a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you walk into a room and it looks like an office, and then they're like, hey, you gotta choose what's cake and what is just a lamp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't tell just if I should get hard or not because it's just a regular blender. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel so bad, like voting people off. So was it other celebrities doing it? And you had to like knock off Emanuel Lewis or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what did you do? I mean, you, so you had to because it's part of the game and you were made to, and what did you, what made you choose to, to access person?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a vibe voter. It seems like we're, we're both vibro dudes, and to shout out one of Kyle's favorite, uhm, yes, feelings, I guess, is being vibro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised you didn't vote that way, but you chose...


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[Assistant] I watch Sullen- I watch Sullen, Sunset. Love it!


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[Assistant] Buying the house. I mean, you're not wrong, and that's why part of why I love the show. The first season it started off like, they're just dressed like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just was buying supplies for the 4th of July and at the grocery store buying cases and cases and cases of beers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I got stopped. Someone was at our live show. The lady also buying beer. Oh yeaah. The thirty year old woman buying beer. And, uh, she was stoked. She had a great time at the live show, guys. Hey, well, we can't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, dude. Someone's just gonna come up to us just to, um, d-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who, who won? And, uh, that's loud. Did you guys, were either of you part of a, yeah, Ders is good at...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well did you come around on Tribune Nightsters? Cause I remember back in the day you used to hate shit like that. But are you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Blake, next on the docket. And the sun is finally out here in SoCal, so to talk about the weather. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, me too, I watch, I, I, I, I, I withered like a weekend where I just, I might have watched all of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I watched four or five. I just sort of, I just turned it on and then would kind of go about my business and then, and then come back in and be like, Oh no, they have to break their, their mold of their physique. Cause they got kicked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They know who each other are, they're like, there's certain people that are like famous and they're like, and they're speaking in Korean, but then they dub it over in English, so it's just the choppy dialogue is kind of funny how they, how it's broken down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so it's just someone going like, uh, Oh my God, look at their body. Their body is so hot. What a hot body. Look at their body.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, you probably could, Ders. Yeah, I could see. You'd make a great famous honky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why you're here anymore. Yeah, just leave. You'd make a great famous honky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so Blake, you gotta watch it. It's, it is very, it's worth tuning in for. I mean, it's, and then they do like feats of strength and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, we're like, people are just, no they're, they're just hanging. No, no. Grip strength. Well you, there's different techniques, different techniques. They can like, wrap the bar underneath an armpit and try to hang on for a while, but. Oh, this sounds incredible. It's wild, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I would like, I mean, I, there's something cool about it being the South Korean show and just the, uh, the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to the docket. Yeah, as far as docket goes. As far as docket goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that what, uh, is that what people did? They pulled their stuff off Spotify because, uh, because of Joe Rogan. Hilarious. Uh, yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not gonna have the wizards. I don't think the wizards, they wouldn't have left. I heard that they did. They wouldn't have left Spotify for those reasons. Cause they, they mix all kinds of weird potions that you for sure should not be drinking, dude. They're huge in the vaccines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. If I know the wizards like I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a live podcast, yea, they might swing through. Sure, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, so it sucks, it sucks. What are you having done? So I'm, I have a torn labrum, and then a impingement in the ball of my hip. So, in the ball of your, in my ball of my head. Uh, so my hip has a hard time going all the way out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they were like, it is actually pretty crazy that you were able to rip your labrum in half doing a kick, because normally it's like- You're like Bo Jackson. Normally, that's like a car accident that will jar you that aggressively.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have to tell ya, your hips are cake.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that'll be great. So I, I won't be able to do much for like three months. So the goal is to try to bang it out before I have to go back to work, whether it's some movie in the fall or doing, um, Bumper in Berlin Season 2! Cause these, these hips need to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't think so. I think they just take a little off so it can move more freely in the socket. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so now I wear s- I've been wearing, uh, like a little quarter inch, uh, lift in my right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, shoe. To, to even it out. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is what I think you should do. That's an alternate take. It's science. I think I'm just gonna stick with the thing in my shoe. Yeah, that's cool. Okay, good luck with that. So yeah, so it's that, and then I also have a tear in my spine, which I've been told about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a herniated, herniated discs in my spine, but they told me, let's do the hip first, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hopefully that cures a lot of the things that are wrong with me now, and then, uh, we won't have to deal with the back, cause the back is more of a, more of a thing, as my boy Blake Anderson would know. Yeah, sure, you gotta...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's my bones are failing me from the insides, my ligaments. That's kind of cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my Camaro has, my Camaro has been so trusty, and I've never had to get any work on it, ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now it's starting to make a noise as if it's like an annoying middle school girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the worst, dude. And, and- Yeah, that's not good. When you're top down, you just hear it non-stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like that. I don't like that one bit. Take that back. That's your take back. So yea, I might be buying a new car sooner than I thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] July 7th at midnight, so tune in right at midnight, dude. Cue it up. And while you're at it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm, we're, we filmed this a few days before the 4th of July. I'm having a big 4th of July banger at my place. And, uh, I'm so happy to make everyone listen to... We're flashing the address here. The, make everyone listen to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The wizards of the entire, the entire party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and people that perk up and then are like, oh shit, they can stay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out of our- I do have a- my friend Jason Hillman is coming into town and he is, uh, military. And he's a badass, so I would pick him. Hardcore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to This Is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's the most important, bottom line, critical thing happening on this planet. Today on This Is Important?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is a cotton shirt. Yeah. You thought they'd make something cool? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is happening? It's like a tank top. It's exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both are very hot right now. Yeah. Yeah, true. These are not called Jamaican wife beaters anymore?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that was a shirt, that's like a button down like Charlie Sheen, your favorite actor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will, I will say though, I will say, we're in this era of people wearing like, design, like having a designer dress them in some crazy shit, and it elevates you, or whatever, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not. It's never funny. It doesn't work. I'm trying to remember who I saw in some fucking crazy outfit and they're supporting their homie who made it or whatever, some big designer. And I'm sorry, but it's just, it's whack. But if Blake, if Blake did it, it would be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you don't want it to be, you don't want it to be funny. No, no, he wants to look good. He doesn't want to look like he's a tryhard, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna see your heart kind of a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I was! I was just up at Mammoth, actually, like, three days ago for a little... Oh my god. Oh my god! June-ski. Yeaah. You live a life of luxury.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My fu- yeah, we're going downhill. My fucking thighs are on fire. And it's like- Ooh, thigh pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like Costa Rica's getting silver, my man. Those people are chilling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're pronouncing that wrong. We're pronouncing that wrong. That's wham-o.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Whammo version that I remember from growing up was like... Leather? A like leather bag, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The typical, the typical freestyle footbag. Yeah, that shit was fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yeah, that's- The first one I ever saw only had like two or three panels. Ooh. Okay, that's kinda fire.


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[Assistant] What's the best one, what's the best one you've bought off Instagram? Best thing.


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[Assistant] I'm just saying, TYR doesn't do speedos, okay? They do swimming briefs.


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[Assistant] They call it, uh, is it a body jackhammer? A masturbator. Propulsive therapy or whatever? Something like that.


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[Assistant] But one I just got. Wait, you have one in each car, one in each ca- in ca- house, and then just one in a- in a bag that- In my backpack. That- that cannot go-


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[Assistant] Yeah, it'll, it'll travel. I just like, I just like to buy Shedders. Or into the house. The backpack is just for it's outside. I know that, but I'm just letting you know. It's a little excessive. It seems like you need one in a backpack.


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[Assistant] Kyle's very good. Kyle is very good. Okay? How'd you do in the tournament this last past weekend?


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[Assistant] He's naturally athletic. He's got a gift. He's got a gift. Yeah, his body is made for it. I think he's afraid of his potential. Is that possible? Maybe.


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[Assistant] And doubles, you just rush the net and stand there and have to react. And yell at me. And yell at me and make me cry. Right? It's strictly, pickleball at a doubles, in a doubles way, is strictly serving, rushing the net as soon as you are allowed to, and then just going,


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[Assistant] Yes, it was. Blake, Blake, were you playing in the tournament? Yeah, I was his partner. Oh, I didn't, I did. Adam, did you realize this? I didn't know. Yeah.


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[Assistant] And what's the footwear for you, Blake? I know Kyle wears pickleball shoes, right? Yeah, I was wearing filas. Yeah. Blake, are you wearing some Axel Arigatos or?


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[Assistant] Adidas, Jogress, you need lateral support and lateral, uh, you're going to burn a hole right in the side like, uh.


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[Assistant] I got a feeling Blake doesn't get tired. Blake is, are you watching Kyle get tuckered out? But he knows the game better? Is that what's happening? No shots fired. No, it's all good.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I-I felt good for about a little bit, but you know, what is the luggage we're wheeling them out in? What are the seats we're on? Dude, there's a lot of opportunities. Can we get those big massage chairs?


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[Assistant] We will, we will. We will whore ourselves out. Forgot, Blake is all business. Shill some products. Yea, we're out here, baby. I forgot about Blake's business acumen.


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[Assistant] It's from MTV, one of those true life, spring break. Like, or real world.


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[Assistant] No, it was a girl on MTV, and by the way, I wonder if the girl came up with it, or a producer was like- With your two dude homies, is that right?


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[Assistant] I want them, can they not play Ridiculousness anymore and just play that era of the like MTV reality, like real life, Spring Break? Those were fucking crazy time capsules of an era.


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[Assistant] Right. And the fact that we got the tattoos,


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[Assistant] The fact that we got the Comedy Central tattoos, like, people are like, what is that?


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[Assistant] I think they let it go because they thought it was a good business move. And they're bad at that.


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[Assistant] No, but think about all the people who had a show on when we did, and how everyone was just kinda like slowly backing away because they were like, this is a train to nowhere.


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[Assistant] But that's the dirty secret is they can afford them because they pay out the butthole for, uh, the Daily Show, and they were gonna pay out the butthole for, uh, they got all these buttholes full of money for Chappelle.


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[Assistant] But isn't that, isn't that crazy? And then you see, you see a network like AMC or FX where they just were like this low-key thing who slowly built and built and built and now they're like these places you go to watch TV. Or at least they were before everyone bailed and said, we gotta start a streamer. But I think they're still holding on.


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[Assistant] I wish I was, by the way. I was talking to Emma the other night, I'm like, on the couch, I'm like, I just feel like the specialness of watching anything is over. There's no like, hey, we gotta get home and tune on, like, tune in. Appointment television?


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[Assistant] Ritual, specialness, effort, like, it's so easy and it's at your fingertips and you can do anything that you're almost like, ehh. I don't wanna do anything. I know, I know, it's like, it's like,


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[Assistant] There's so many shows that I really, really like that I just bailed on because. Like Atlanta, I didn't see the last two seasons. I like Dave, I haven't watched that. Succession, I just haven't watched. Like, fucking...


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[Assistant] Like shows that like impress me where I go, fuck, they're doing it. This is so good. Finally. And then I just go on Criterion and watch like old fucking Warren Beatty movies.


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[Assistant] They're good. I'm watching ol' Jack, ol' Jack Nicholson. Oh my, you gotta watch, uh, bowl, uh, what's the one bowl, what's the


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[Assistant] Reds? I'm watching Reds right now, which is Warren Beatty. But, uh, I don't even know, bro. That's a...


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[Assistant] I'm talking about 70s, 80s, not 90s. No, that's Dave. Isn't it Dave?


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[Assistant] No. I didn't. I never saw shampoo either. Go watch shampoo. Go get the fuck out of here, go watch shampoo.


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[Assistant] Uhm, you gotta watch shampoo. Shampoo is epic.


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[Assistant] In Beverly Hills, who's like, you just can't stop fucking wives of the people, like of the women who's like doing the hair. And it just gets them like down this deeper and deeper rabbit hole and it's like...


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[Assistant] It's, it's hilarious. Oh, that is not what I thought it was. It's like a dark comedy.


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[Assistant] Yes, and go ahead and read that list, go ahead and read that list.


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[Assistant] July 7th, the outlaws. I'm gonna give a recommendation. Everyone out there who's listening to me talk about old movies, go ahead and watch Carnal Knowledge. Oh god. No one will make- Starring Jack Nicholson and Art Garfunkel of Garfunkel. Wow, that sounds like- Simon Garfunkel. Alright. Hey guys. It's a good one. And that's another episode of-


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[Assistant] Let me go on a quest real quick. It took him fucking years actually, it wasn't real quick.


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[Assistant] Oh man, you got to it. You're really fast. I thought I was going really fast. You got it. Dallas rocks.


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[Assistant] How long are we in Austin for? Cause I do wanna play some pickleball in Austin. I hear it's great down there.


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[Assistant] We do, I do kinda wanna hit that wave up. I do wanna try that wave.


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[Assistant] Waco's on the way to Austin, okay? It's on the way if you're driving.


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[Assistant] Didn't they travel with a ton of fucking animals on their first tour?


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[Assistant] Yeaah, you can bet on pickleball now, that's big news.


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[Assistant] Can you just look at somebody? You can just like get in line and then that's how it's built, right?


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[Assistant] That's what I want to do. That's what I'm wondering. So it's going to be fine if you, if you want to participate in a line dance and you.


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[Assistant] I can remember, I can remember taking cologne to like camp and having the little bottle break and all of.


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[Assistant] Believe in your Smelf. Which, those were Tim and Eric. Those were Tim and Eric commercials.


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[Assistant] What you can get brute deodorant is in a, in a cylinder or a, or a roll on or what?


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[Assistant] This podcast has brought us together in ways I never dreamed.


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[Assistant] Cause you're talking about him, but it seems like you're about me, brother.


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[Assistant] Hey, this is interesting. This is actually pretty interesting.


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[Assistant] Of all your friends, we can go round and round, whose house, if you did get kicked out of your home by your significant other, whose house would you wanna, what couch are you surfing? Of the, of these barrages right here.


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[Assistant] No, they're regular ass, they're just the sea lions. What kind of seal are we talking, like a California sea lion?


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[Assistant] They look like muppets. Like they have a pile of dookie on their face? Yeaah, those guys are sick.


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[Assistant] I mean for everything we're saying about these California sea lions, you're lucky that's what you're swimming with because some of these sea lions are huge and very dangerous.


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[Assistant] Really? With all the diarrhea seals? Come on.


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[Assistant] Really, you're owning up to it. That's really big of you, Kyle, man. Well, and I do think I would- Cause that wasn't what you were like a couple years back in like, 07.


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[Assistant] Each house I go to, I learn a different lesson from each of my friends.


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[Assistant] Well, there's something to be said for every place. Well, I love that idea, but. Like, I, you know, the b- Okay, yeah, right. And you had to pick one?


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[Assistant] You know, you go to Adams, you know, we're out on the boat, we can really find ourselves, we can really be out on the water and talk about anything, dude. Or we can do anything with each other and no one would ever know because we're in the middle of the ocean. What?


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[Assistant] Right? Go ahead. Differences with it. This is what I'm saying. First 10 days, me and Adam, bender on the boat. I get it all out of my system. Okay.


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[Assistant] Then I go to Durz's, he fuckin' puts me through the camp, gets me shredded, makes me eat raisins for every meal. Okay. I journey north to Kyle, where I'm around my family and my friends from the past, and I remember where I came from and I come back a complete person.


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[Assistant] I'm making little claymation videos with Kyle again. Do it in the garage.


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[Assistant] Love shit. What was that movie with Matthew McConaughey where he's just like the total king of the beach like-


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[Assistant] Beach bomb. I would be beach bomb.


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[Assistant] The clips are so incredible. They're like the one person who will never get invited back to Letterman.


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[Assistant] Did our showrunner Kevin Enten work at Letterman? Yes. He did, yes. So maybe there was a little in there.


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[Assistant] It is interesting. Like I find that, I, I, you know. You know what? This is interesting. I have found that. Dare I say important. This podcast has brought us together in ways I never dreamed. But it also prevents us from talking outside of.


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[Assistant] Any day other than we're actually on the pod cause we have to save it for the pod.