[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yes, yeaah. Those kids from that movie, Kids, were the kids I was so scared of when I was a kid. Yeaah. Like those cool badass kids, I was so scared of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why? They have nothing to lose and they never die. They never die. They can't die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what happens is the guy that's filming already has seen this before and he's telling his boy, he's like, you gotta see this motherfucker down at the park. He's like, what's he doing? He's like, watch, watch. He's videoed this kid. Just get him to talk. Just get him to say anything. This is down at the park where they're hanging out, they're smoking cigarettes in this gazebo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't get back in. He's been out of so many, he's been in and out of so many schools, can't go back in. And by the way, Dad's a little proud of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] School can't handle you, man. They can't handle you, boy. You're too good for school, boy. You're a star. You're a superstar. You're a superstar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a stupid, you're a stupid star. You're a stupid star. You're a stupid star. You know that. School, you ain't, you good at it in school. You way good at it in school, boy. So he goes down there. He sells cigarettes. I bet you he makes a living selling them cigarettes. 100%. 100%. Cigarettes and, cigarettes and Kit Kats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got, he's got snacks and cigs. Unbelievable. By the way, I knew a kid that used to do that. He used to steal cigarettes and sell them to kids around to smoke. That's brilliant. Yeah. Chicago? A dollar a piece. Yeah, a dollar a cigarette. Well, it's hard to buy cigarettes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Nope. Nope. Fifteen. Fourteen. Fourteen. Fourteen. Thirteen or forty is when I had my first cigarette and then... Through high school you smoked?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then Cleveland, Cincinnati, places that I, I've never been to Cincinnati and I've only played Cleveland with Rogan. I never got to play by myself. Wow. So I'm doing cities that like, they're like, why the fuck don't you come here? I'm like, we just, it hasn't worked out. Yeah, and now you're doing it. Yeah, finally. So yeah, I'm doing a bunch of stuff. Congratulations. Thank you, man. Yeah, it's exciting stuff. You should go see, uh, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Congratulations. Yeah, I'm nervous, I'm not even gonna lie, because I've never done small theaters before. Yeah, but that's normal. It's gonna be great. People are like, I'm not nervous about the performance. People are like, what are you nervous about? It's like, it's different. It's not the performance. It's like the idea that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna push all these tickets to get into this one room. Clubs are just a different animal. They are. And fans don't really know that. You're like, it's just a different, totally different beast. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm throwing some clubs in there for fun, like Denver Comedy Works I have to do. Of course. It's my, you know, my favorite club. So I'm doing a few clubs here and there that I really want to do. Good for you, man. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. That's awesome. And Whiskey? Whiskey Ginger, yeah. Which, um, both of you guys are never welcome on, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I don't want either of you on the show. You got it. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Appreciate the clarity. Here's what I actually want. I want you guys, I want to set up a date for you guys to come on the show. Yeah. And then I want to cancel. That could, we could do that. Why don't we do it right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's set it up right now. I can do that. We can do it, let's do it. You wanna do it tomorrow? Let's do it tomorrow morning at 6.30am. I'll be there. You okay good? Yep. I expect a text. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Whiskey Jinder Podcast. I do want to, uhm, I want to thank you guys, and I mean this. This is an emotional part. No, I don't. Do it. Do it. No feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are the reason that I did podcast. Oh. You guys are the reason I did podcast. Stop it. I'm being serious. You're the reason I did it. Well, you're fantastic. Cause I didn't want to do it for a long time. Yeah, but you're a natural. You're really good. Well, yeah, I don't know, but I just was like, you guys were like, do it. And I was like, I gotta f**k it. I love it. I'm glad you did it, man. It's so fun. I'm glad you did. Also side note, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes my dad does Google me, and because of things like this show, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The internet says that I'm gay. Yeah. And it's hurt our relationship genuinely. Your dad's? Yeah, it's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the funniest thing. He's like, I don't like it that it says you're gay. Is it, is your dad in Chicago or no? Mmhm. But it literally says I'm gay all over the web. It also says you're engaged to... Crystallia. Crystallia. Yeah, which we broke off years ago. Fuckin' keep up. And that you, you had this boyfriend, Rick. I have a boyfriend, Rick. Right. So, the internet says I'm gay. And your dad is genuinely not happy about it. Nope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't like it. Doesn't have any problem with gay people. Just doesn't like that the internet says I'm gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's gonna start believing the truth, is what he's gonna start doing. You guys are the best people on this entire planet Earth. I love you. I love you too. It's good to see you man. Great to see you. Uhm, I don't, I don't, but you know what? These are ball mains in the bit, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's have some fun with it though, and let's, let's again, let's keep the high eye, not the low eye. High eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why works? Are you a fucking retard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? She just has no underwire right now. She needs a better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can kinda hear it. Oh, you could? Yeah. Well, you can just plug it in, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's been wild, I'll say that. I, I mean, I thought about this last night, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and I appreciate this, you're like my father, my brother, my best friend, you spent thousands of dollars literally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they've seen some shit over there, uh, too, uh, yeah, it was, Berlin was like a weird, uh, it was so awesome. It was so prog, like, wildly progressive and like they have like the wall still there. It's like a reminder and all this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, I fucking didn't realize it until I said it to him in the train station. I go, Hitler killed himself eight miles, or like a mile from where we were, and I was pissed. Eight minute walk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, I mentioned his name in my act, and I thought I was gonna get arrested afterwards, I was nervous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to put MJC on some of these club websites because they're a little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. He said, can I buy you a hugger? And I was like, well duh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, like, if you wanna see Spider-Man in America, you go to Universal Studios. You don't go to Hollywood Boulevard. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's like maybe three or four women at the bar. I'm kind of like, it's dark and I'm trying to like gauge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, international, uh, I mean, it could be, I didn't, I, well here's the thing, uh, we sat down, they asked if we want a drink, I thought I could have maybe a couple drinks here, you know, I'm about to fuck a prostitute, uh, so I thought maybe I'd get a couple drinks, I mean, right away they're up your ass, like, which one do you want to fuck, kind of thing. Just talk, yea. Yea, yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's up my ass about it. Who do you like? Who do you like? I'm asking Thomas, I can't really tell from a far away, you know. Help me out here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you wanna come over and sit with us or whatever? Like, or I told the guy actually, right? Yea. I'm like, can you have her come over? He's like, alright. And she's like, hello, how are you? She was Italian, the one that we selected. Now here's, keep in mind this. From Milan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was from Milan, I found out. I forget what her name was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Luchiana? It was like Lex or something. Yeah, I forgot what her name was, but uhm, yeah, she took me upstairs. We picked her and we went upstairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was of course like very porno-y, very hot. Wait, what's the room like? So the room is like just a small European room. There's a giant jacuzzi in it, in a bed. And she starts drawing the bath for the jacuzzi. And I told her, I'm like, you're not gonna need that. I'm not going in the fucking jacuzzi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not because of it's dirty, I'm like, what am I, I'm not gonna just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was like, I don't know if you want me to expose the details of the finances, but she was like, it's 300 euro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't do like very much of anything to her, and it was just straight up beege and sex. For 300. And I had that 80th. Cause he gave you the 80th. I gave you the 80th because I was like- I go, what does this get me? She's like, nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't get to that level because I only had 80. So she's like, we're not even gonna have that fucking conversation. You need it right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, if there had been an ATM there, I'd have been like, here it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking back is probably the best thing to have protection or whatever, but uh, they really go kind of ham on that thing. Like she's swabs your dick down with like an alcohol swab or something like what some sort of like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told Tom going into it, I'm like, I don't even know if I'm gonna get an erection from this because of all the like, red tape involved with it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. It felt like my doctor was giving me a blowjob essentially over a condom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I was able to like, get going during that, I was like, okay, you know, I got hard during the blowjob. And she was doing her whole like, mmmmm thing, you know, and it's like, alright, I can tell she's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's like, well the thing about it is like, it's not for, she's just at work, you know what I mean? That's what I realized. What I realized was like, the things I enjoy about sex are pleasing the woman and like having them enjoy their time. And uh, there's none of that on the table for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I leave the stove on or whatever, you know, so I got that vibe from her and I was just like, alright. And then she like tried to like jerk me off for a little while and it just wasn't happening. And then she's like, so you're from Los Angeles? Uh, the homeless problem is so out of control there. And she started talking about politics while we were like naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's booked for an hour. Oh, so she has an hour with you. She maybe just chatted. She's blocked off. Yea, and then like it got to be about the 45 minute mark and I was like, alright, where's my underwear? Let's get out of here, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like again, for the 200 bucks, it probably could have became more, but it's like, she's never gonna enjoy it, you know what I'm saying? I'm just like number six tonight or something, you know what I mean? So, I realized in that moment that it's like, the things that I enjoy about sex have nothing to do with that. It's like you have to be a certain type of guy to get off from that, I think, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the deal with the chick from Canada? What's the deal? I'm like, well, you're gonna find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, but, uh, yeaah, so I mean, long story- I mean, not to make the long story short, we're gonna get into the details, but everyone wants to know did it happen, and it did and it didn't, you know what I'm saying? Wow! Meaning like, I did come, but it was of my own, uh, fruition, if you will, like it usually is, unfortunately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, that doesn't mean we didn't have a great time trying. Yeah. Uh, a lot. Tried a lot. So you tried a lot. Yeah, and it was a blast. I had a great time. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she had so much fun at the show, she mentioned, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was exact, she didn't have any, uh, filters or anything like that. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At a certain point, through my extensive research, I've noticed I have to take over at some point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it just doesn't get me to that, like I've had it, uh, where I can then continue it a little bit and then they take back over and then that'll happen sometimes. Well that's, but that's good. That's a solution. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, it just takes a little bit, uh, work, you know? And in the morning it was tough, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, thanks for showing me the fucking world. It was wild. It was an awesome thing. It was the fucking world in like 10 days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was so much fun the next night too, because it was like so free after the taping, there was like no skin in the game almost, you know? Yea, it was really, and those shows were some of the best. They were dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, uh, and, uh, for me, in 2020, I'm gonna be coming to the Dead Crow Comedy Club and the Comedy Connection in, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, uh, Rhode Island, the dead crows in Wilmington, North Carolina. Those aren't on sale yet, but January 2nd through 4th, Laugh Boston is on sale. And, uh, this week, Saturday, I'm going to be in Baltimore at, uh, Jimmy's Famous Seafood, the place Sickler goes all the time. Uh, so get those tickets on their website right now. That's happening, uh, this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no, I just want to make sure it's in a safe place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other people, different races, we gotta keep it safe. Yeah. You know what I mean. Right? Guys, come on, it's us. Guys. Guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so here we go. My tribe. Uhm, very, there's a lot to get into this week. It's, uh, it's a heavy duty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this guy, I don't think he's a money guy. I think he works in like the marketing division, uh, some type of PR, cause I think he's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putting this out there is, you know, ugh. I hope this video doesn't scare you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause you know on Sun Level that it does. You know it!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that you're, you know that you're being delusional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, that, it's, it's, he's bearing the lead as they say. Like he's, he's like, oh, I also am in this new office, check out my, that's why he sent it. You're right. He sent the whole video to be like, I got an upgrade. Wow. You want it, everyone, look, it's human instinct to want to show an upgrade. Everybody wants it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that, cause that he knows is not cool. So he's trying to make it like it's the second or third position thing, but it's really like this is what's most important. That's why he's doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the other part of this is, I have so much to do, I post this notes everywhere. It's, I'm a busy guy. I got a lot going on. That's right. Important. I'm important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I can't connect with anyone. You're like, what? And like, well, I've been so busy. Like, so you just cut off the world and they're like, no, just you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well don't forget, he's also drinking a latte. That's why he's super fired up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, there's what he should have done, which was like, are you free tonight? Text. Say 8.15 at Go Lillian Union Square. He took a leap. He took a risk. He got a new office. He wanted to show it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you gotta make it short, right? The more, the more you expand and just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go on about things that the worst it's gonna get for you. So that's number one. Secondly, really only two people should be sending videos like this at the very, like at the beginning of something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're unbelievably good looking. Yes. Cause you're using your asset then. You're saying like, like, imagine, like some fucking Calvin Klein model said, you're like, Jesus Christ. Yeah. We're gonna bang, we're making lilies. I'll be there at 7.30. I'll be there, my pussy will be soaking wet. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, because it's super good looking, then you do it. The other exceptional thing would be if you are, and it's hard, you know, everyone thinks this about, but like, if you're exceptionally funny, so I'm saying like a really funny, like you have something so funny in your video,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but if you're just like, I'm just gonna blabber, then you end up sending a video that's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's silly and it's like, you're not, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, if that person didn't like that, then I'm- if what I just played out-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fucking, this shit right here is just a nervous Nelly. This guy just doesn't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so busy. I'm a higher up. Got a company card. You don't like me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay, okay. But just so people know, it was like a human error. Yes. Alright, cool. Uhm, yeaah, so we were playing the, uh, life alert video on the last episode and people, yeaah, they really loved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that, I'd be scared. I'd be scared. Or what if you were leaving though? So I have to, I have to let you know. Like if you're walking out of the house, then I'd be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the nice thing that, uh, about the clapper, I was very jealous that I really wanted one. And, uh, they wouldn't buy them. Your parents wouldn't buy the clapper? Why? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any, so the thing is they, they sell it as it's a clap, but really it's like, it's the noise machine. Any noise will make this go on and on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, she really needs it. You notice by the way that this is like 30 years in commercials, any type of security commercial that shows a robber, a threat, it's always a white guy with a scruffy beard. And that's been done for 30 years. Cause they're like, they're so scared to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, there's robbers of every background. I think it's funny that in the commercial, even for 30 years, they're just like, look, we don't want to get accused of anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about that kid, that intern in the front? Why don't we put him in the commercial? He could be robbing the place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's like the thing now? It's uhm, uh, the ring, right? Like the ring along, they have commercials like, and it's secure, and then it'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two. Two youngsters. Yeaah. Two like, kids on the surf team. And they're like, uh oh, someone's home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not a commercial. That's like somebody's, uhm, yeaah. It would have to be like a commercial. You know what I mean? Like the one they air on television.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look, I've never heard people be like, oh, you know who's always robbing? The Vietnamese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you, yo, they're amazing. They're kind of creepy. Uh, Bert showed up with them the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, uhm, so speaking of Bertrand, uhm, don't we have something? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The time that we did an episode of this podcast, and we're like, you know who Bert looks like? Gerard Depardieu. And we had all those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, so like everything has evolved since then. He has a new lookalike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize it. I was watching this new documentary series the other night. He looks like Maradona. Diego Armando Maradona. One of the greatest soccer players of all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, was an Argentine sensation. He coached some now. He parties. He's had a real party legacy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lots of cocaine, lots of booze, rehab multiple times, lots of women, and he has a, he has a pretty eccentric personality. I think he's kind of a dead ringer for Bert. Really? Yea. You gotta look at everything, okay? So like, that's him right there, dancing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And Bert screams, he's loud. He's so loud, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, because it's the opposition team's, uh, stadium. So they're, yeah. Anyways, I watched this, uh, this documentary series on Netflix. It's called Maradona in Mexico and it's excellent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what the new one's gonna be called. Yeah. The whole time I was like, Burt's doing a Spanish thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could literally do a frame by frame analysis and be like, here's you dancing, here's him dancing, here's you yelling, here's him yelling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, speaking of this, uhm, I put out my, my Spanish podcast, my first Spanish podcast, so it is on, I've been saying this, I, I, I did a, I've been uploading more to my personal YouTube page, so if you go to YouTube,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a lot of those sober October videos, you know, flying the plane, driving the car, shooting the guns. And then we did my dance video on there. We did the behind the scenes. I put up, um, a sketch that, uh, Nadav you produced. Um, and this week we're going to put up the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Behind the scenes of that, but there's also an all Spanish podcast that I put on that channel. So thanks everybody for listening, subscribing, we have a lot more stuff to put on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different tacos, different chicken dishes, uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean it was, it was really the first episode I was explaining while I was doing it. I'm trying to get better at it. I have some Spanish shows I want to do next year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I was like, the only way to get ready for those is to practice my Spanish. Oh yeaah. So, I also, I called people, I called my cousin, I called my mom, I talked to my mom on the phone. It was pretty fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I told, you know, the audience, like, reach out, like, tell me where you're from, help me out, give me, you know, correct where I spoke incorrectly, tell me phrases, words, insults from your country. It was a lot of fun. I can't wait to hear these. I opened the inbox this morning. It was completely, it was crazy. It was hundreds of messages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. I gotta say, so far, that audience has been way more supportive than the English-speaking audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like all the messages are like, I love that you're doing this. Thanks, man. Like here's some suggestions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people tell me they're going to take Spanish lessons now, so they can follow along.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really good, that's a really good thought. Because you'd think that a dog should be able to go like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just intuitively like picking up on, you know, like what to do in a way where you're like, how is this animal aware of this? I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, birds. It's crazy. I mean, can a parrot do that? But a parrot just goes like, that's right!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be cool to have like an all racial slurs parrot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, what we'll do is we'll record a bunch of racial slurs and when we leave at night, we'll just play it on repeat so it just, it hears them all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it'll just kind of like, you know, it'll never say things correctly, probably. Like you might walk in and go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, by the way, this is kind of a huge deal. You, you, I think, unknowingly touched on it, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Work no rec, want no rec, what is it, wear no red.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, I'm saying want no rec.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you play the full phrase? Like, can you play him? Yea, he, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he said, his full response was, I'm saying, want no wreck, meaning that they don't want to fight me or see me in the streets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I found something really cool. We don't always get to, to play this, but I saw this the other day. Uhm, yes, here it is. And I wanted to show it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kinda cool, and it's kinda sexy, and I think you might like it. You ready? There you go. But nice and clean, you can see it clearly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this guy's like, do me a favor, tie me up. Get some real deep phlegm from like deep in your chest and spit it in my open mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he wants it. Right. It's a two-way thing. He thinks he wants it. Yeah, yeah, it's like some version of that happened, it's deeply wired in his head, and he wants the humiliation to be degraded. He knows it's disgusting, but it also turns him on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's pretty cool. I like it. That's some bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what my favorite thing that, it actually happened today, uh, about like just like so indicative of the culture of the world we live in right now. This, this is so


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a news article today. Anna Paquin has seven lines in The Irishman. Robert De Niro is okay with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, they're implying, it's just like how bad journalism has gotten, that this is trying to stir people up, by saying, this is an LA Times entertainment article, it's like, Robert DeNiro,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She plays his daughter, she's like, you know, ninth on the call sheet, like it's a more minor role, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] De Niro's the, the guy, Pacino's Jimmy Hoffa, Pesci's, uh, the other, Mathioso, like there's all these people, you know, the way a movie's story is told, there's main characters and there's supporting characters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a supporting hero. Robert De Niro is okay with Anna Paquin having only seven lines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's implying that like, it's implying that he's okay that she wasn't used more, but it's like, he didn't write the script. He's just in, he's an actor in a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, they also quote Anna Paquin's response to her seven lines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did the same thing for Margot Robbie in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. They were like, you realize that Margot Robbie only speaks, you know, eight times? And they're like, that's the role though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. That's how sad it is now though. It's like, not only is this, you know, social justice shit go over the top on some, they're making things up like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These actors, like, everyone wants more lines in a movie. Everybody wants. Of course, yeaah. Like, that's what you, you know, you're trying to get a bunch of lines in them, and then they're like, you're doing it to women, you know? Like, how come you gave Brad Pitt and, uh, DiCaprio all these lines? I don't know, cause they're the two fucking main guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ready? Yeah. Here we go. Support for your mom's house comes from Manscape, who is the best in men's below the belt grooming. Manscape offers precision tools for your family jewels. That is a way of talking about your penis and testicles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jingle balls to the walls, fellas. Listen up. Untrimmed pubes are a thing of the past. Do you want your Christmas season to end with you, uh, uh, finishing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right near, on, or around a lovely lady or young man's body? Mouth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then it's time to gear up and get yourself the gift of shaving this holiday season. I'm talking of course about the Manscape Perfect Package 2.0.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you, we've all who have body hair had experiences of a little too much hair and you're feeling like, oh, you know what, I'm going to handle this right away and quickly and you go down there with an ice pick or a knife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just a, uh, early, you know, one of the early model tremors and then POW!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blood and guts, all types of mess down there and it takes forever to heal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then a girl's like, uh, is that the clap? And you're like, no, I just pat myself. Okay. You don't want to deal with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why this revolutionary company, Manscaped, has redesigned the electric trimmer. Their Lawn Mower 2.0 has proprietary advanced skin sca- skin safe technology, so this trimmer won't nick or snag your nuts. It's also waterproof, so you can use it in the shower, which is the absolute best place to trim your pubes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lawn Mower 2.0 comes inside their Perfect Package 2.0, which makes for the perfect gift this holiday season. It's literally everything you need to keep trimmed, cut free, and smelling nice down there. And what happens when you have a nice, smooth bean bag and it smells good? There's a higher probability that a nice lady is going on, on, on, on, on, on, lick it all up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't use the same trimmer as your face, as you're using on your balls. That's nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Mask Ape Perfect Package 2.0 also includes the Crop Preserver, an anti-chafing ball deodorant and moisturizer. You already put deodorant on your armpits, what are you doing not putting it on your balls? Especially if you want someone to lick them. Jeez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of sweaty and stinky balls, I'm thankful for their Crop Reviver. This product along with the Crop Preserver keeps your balls from sweating, smelling, and sticking. And these products smell


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good. Their manly scent is attractive and will help set the mood if you know what I mean, which is what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The perfect package will come with a pair of Manscaped Boxer briefs that will keep your junk feeling fresh all day. It's time to upgrade those old school nasty paper thin tear away boxers. Get these high performance anti chafing boxers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the season? Get this for your dad, your brother, your son, your friend, your co-worker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your boss. Just get it. The Manscaped Perfect Package 2.0. You get 20% off free shipping with the code MOM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's an asshole. I fuckin', I was in Miami, he was in Miami, I called him, I go, I'm gonna be in Miami when you're there. He's like, oh come, come by, hang out. I go, yeah, let's fuckin' hang out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go see him. By the way, when I talk to him, he's like, oh, I got these little, he says it in like a week, uh, earlier. He's like, I got these 10 milligram like little cookies. I go, oh, great. I go, that's my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just so you know, everybody has different tolerance for smoking, for edibles, everybody knows, or if you don't know, Joey has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I have, exactly, and I have it, and I can, I can watch TV, I can be social, I enjoy it, I enjoy that dosage. He tells me this is what he's got, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we do my show in Miami at the Olympia, which by the way, beautiful place. Thank you everybody that came. I had a beautiful time there as well as in Melbourne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the King Center, uh, with Mike Cronin. Uh, so we had great shows. I go, let's go see Joey. I'm sitting here like, oh, he's so much fun. He always makes me tell him stories about Joey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pull out, there's this thing wrapped, and then there's a little container.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, really? He's like, yes. And I keep looking, I go, is this 10? Okay, I'm showing it. I'm like confused, but I'm also asking him, I'm like, is this, cause I don't want some wild ride. He's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, I give one to Mike, I take one, put it back, and I go, cool, I'm gonna go watch your show now. Like I'm at Joey's show, it's gonna be so fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go out there, my sister's at the show, my older sister, we're watching the show and like, you know, I'm enjoying it. Uh, he's fucking just annihilating and crowds going crazy. It's fun. It's a fun environment, but like 30 minutes in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I start to feel, here's the thing, if you take light doses like I do, sometimes those


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really mild doses will affect you a little differently. Like sometimes you barely feel it. Sometimes it feels like it normally does. And sometimes it feels a little stronger. You know what I mean? Yeaah. And it's the same dosage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, I'm feeling it very mildly and I'm like, you know what I'm gonna do? For the last 10 minutes or so of his set, I'm gonna go back to the green room. Cause in that way it won't be all chaotic when everybody stands up. So I go back to the green room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm starting, I feel it, I'm like, oh, okay. And then like a few minutes later, I feel like it's a little bit, a little bit stronger. I'm like, oh, this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just feeling it, you know, I haven't, I haven't eaten one in a while. And then the show wraps up. I still feel like just kinda high. And then he comes back and we're talking. I still don't know anything yet. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I text my sister, I'm like, come back to the, to the green room. She comes back, I start talking to her and then I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, can you wrap it up? Like, and she's like, she's saying things to me and I can tell she's looking at it, but she doesn't know what's going on. She's like, you seem tired. I'm like, I am tired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I sit down and like, you start to feel it more. Thank God I got, I have Sean with me. He's been shooting like a lot of those behind the scenes things and the videos and he's like, do you want to get out of the green room? I was like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just talking to people and I can feel it. And I go, I go, we gotta get out of here, man. We gotta get out of here. We get out of there. Joey comes with, we're fucking, I'm just out of my mind. We get on a flight. On the flight. I fucking wake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wake up Sean and he's like, what's up? I go, how come?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, how come we don't, why don't, our existence exists why? Like, what is the point of our existence? And if we're not examining that question, then why aren't we examining that question? And then I go like, what are words? Words just come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, he was being like, I gotta tell you, I was, okay, I was high. I was that high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I call him, I'm like, what the fuck did you give me? He's like, it's ten. I go, no it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, yeah, it's ten. And I go, the fuck is wrong with you? He's like, are you home?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, yeah, are you with your family? I go, yeah. He goes, what's the problem? I go, what kind of fucking criminal logic is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that's like the guy who you go, who's like, can you come pick me up? And then you pick him up and he pulls a gun on someone and like robs him and you're like, the fuck was that? He's like, did you get robbed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, he just... Here's what's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On top of him definitely fucking misleading me and I fell for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't understand what goes on in his brain where he can pop four of those, right? I go, how are you fucking functioning? He's like, oh, I started to have panic attacks on stage. He took them before he went on stage. Oh my life. He goes, I started to panic and I go, is that fun? He's like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I called my sister, I had to tell her, cause she didn't know. I was like, hey, I didn't get to tell you, cause I was so paranoid. Yeah, of course. Like when it was happening, I got so paranoid. And she was like, oh, she goes, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, cause like, when you're sober, somebody goes like, hey, why don't you say something? You're like, alright. Right? You know, I'm sorry, I'm just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when you're high, like really high, she's like, why aren't you talking to us? I was like, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you feel like people can like see you or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was a pretty strong message. I mean, he still has not come clean as to what I took. He told me it was hash oil with pure THC and he's like it's the hash oil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he's just, I know it was, it was just like a 100mg dose. Which by the way, he took 400 before his show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, by the way, how he's not like a paranoid schizophrenic though. Like wouldn't that, at a certain number of doses, just wreak havoc on your brain? Wouldn't you just be like, huh, like break? I thought I was gonna seizure at once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could feel, like my eyes were going, and I could just, you know, my thoughts were going, I was like, I'm gonna have a seizure right now. And I'm, to think that he's like quadruple dosing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a high tolerance. Yeaah. Now most people would commit themselves if they took what he took.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says you gotta counterbalance it. With what? Xanax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I had, oh, you know what intrusive thought I had last week? Sure. I forgot we were listing intrusive thoughts. Yeah. Every time I ride, uh, in an Uber, in the, if I'm in the back seat, I have the thought of like, throw yourself out of the car on the highway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I go like, no, you don't want to do that. By the way, he also, I'm his, I know Joey, he let Mike Cronin, a guy he just met, take that hundred milligram rose, who was, who thought he was taking it then, was like, oh yeah, this should be a nice night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, I call him and I'm like, how are you doing? He's like, I slept on the bathroom floor of a hotel. Uhm, I just had horrible night, just freaking out. He said he started to have intrusive thoughts of like, uh, don't jump, don't jump off the balcony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see if we can get Mike on, because I want him to relay to you what this felt like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, look, I just, I reset your batteries. Now everything's straight. I'm like, this is all crazy talk. You realize, right? I'm like, oh, here's my right. I gotta go. None of that. None of that makes any sense. Hello?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Mike, I'm recording this call, I'm doing the podcast right now. Uhm, I was just recalling the fun, fun night we had with Joey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, you were given, uh, by me, I handed you what Joey said was a 10 milligram pill. Uhm, yeah. Would you tell me like what your night was like, just so that the audience knows that it's not just me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's not a fun high, right? It's not a fun high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hilarious. Did they, did you, you remembered, you said this, cause I didn't notice this. You said that when you took that pill, that Joey stopped talking, looked at you and laughed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I, you know what made me laugh really hard was you said you, you went from Miami, you drove to your parents place and you had to have dinner with them and I know how you were feeling because I was still high the next night and then you had dinner and like just went to your room and your mother texted you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but that's just Joey doing us a cool favor. He just, he, he, he told me the next day, he goes, are you home? You with your kids? What's the problem? Like, you know, like, like, uh, known felon logic when they're like, we got the money, no one got shot. What's the problem?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So, alright, well, I'm glad you're okay. Uhm, I'm glad I had somebody to share this absolutely terrifying experience with. And uhm. Yeaah. So, can't wait to do it again soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he said that he thought he was gonna die, which I definitely thought I was gonna die at parts two, but that, um, that he was also thinking that I would get blamed because he was gonna die in a room that was in my name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cannot believe it. Two nights ago. She went to Bat House a second time in a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's fun. Yeah. No, it's cool. It's cool. I mean, it's cool to do the thing you really enjoy, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is exactly in line with what I was thinking. You're not gonna like it at first, but just hear me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And here's what I was thinking, okay? Oh boy. I was thinking this. Like let's say...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, hey, I want to get a, I want to start shopping for a car. Right? And you go, yeah, I mean, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do I need a car? No. What do I get out of the car? I mean, yes, there's utility. It takes me from point A to point B, but I already have that. The truth is, I buy the car because it makes me feel a certain way, right? Like I go, there's a feeling I get from this. It's like going to the show. I think that chains and jewelry and stuff is the same thing. So I think basically what I should do,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is not by another car. Okay. That's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spend what I was gonna spend on that car on jewelry. Okie dokie. Uhm, because it makes me feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying that it's, I believe you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check that, look at big drip right here. That would be, that would look so good on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but here's the thing, I'm not looking at it, what I'm saying is, you set a cap to what you're gonna spend, hold on, hold on, you don't look at it as an investment, you look at it as, this is a purchase that is enjoyable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but I think that, you know what I'm seeing so far? Everybody with these on looks happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They all look really happy. Yes. And I think I should embrace that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, do you remember that time? That I went broke, buying you stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no thanks. We're gonna have to reframe your hole. I'm gonna have to give you a mega dose, because that is not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The parrot is a great idea, and I hope we can make that happen here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing. Why don't we set that budget for different chains? No, no, that's the full budget, but I get different pieces. This way I can go and switch up pieces sometimes, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's wrong? And then I don't buy a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same thing. But will you wear it a lot? That's what I'm saying. I'll get different pieces so I can switch them out all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had bad browns because of my TG.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just Thanksgiving night. It was rich. It was a rich night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I went for a second helping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really good, so I serve myself more than a couple of plates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it would be mac and cheese. Yea, that's good shit. Stuffing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you know that sweet potato casserole is also... It was off the chain. It was crazy. Now...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charla gave me some treats yesterday. German treats. Yea, that she baked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you held? I held, I held them. Where the fuck are they? I forgot that I had them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what do I have coming up this week? Uhm, I'll tell you, I start the week in Erie, Pennsylvania. Uhm, there are tickets available for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Grand Rapids are now both all, they're all sold out now. And then I still have tickets available for Windsor, Ontario on December 8th. I'm at the Coliseum at Caesars. From there, Honolulu is almost gone. And I also do a show in Maui, December 29th. That wraps up the year. Then Mum Australia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is all sold out, but I still have a few tickets left in Auckland, New Zealand on January 25th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, oh, my Spanish, some of my Spanish shows are on sale. I'm doing Spanish shows in, uh, Ontario, the improv, uh, levity live in Oxnard, Tempe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that's Spokane Show, that's English. I'm gonna do the Spokane Comedy Club in, uh, February. And then, oh, I got one night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'll probably go quickly. And then I have, uh, Vegas shows. Uh, it looks like Ice House. Wow. They, I didn't know they put them all up. So they're all on sale now. You can look at some 2020 dates. I'm hitting some clubs as I work out the new hour. And, uh, yeah, they already put the shows on sale. So go to ThompsonGurra.com slash door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's such a great place to like, feel like, good about a new thing. Most definitely. So that's why I booked it, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the new date? You don't want people to get excited about the date?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty great, so uhm, there it is, you got all our dates. You are, uhm, not doing, what is it, the 12th?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, but you're back the 5th and the 19th. That's right. Lappers. Uhm, I have apparently a bunch of new dates on sale that I had no idea about. Uh, so, that's good to know. Uhm, please get those. And yea, this was a really fun episode, Jean. I enjoyed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the way we used to do it a lot. So uhm, yeaah. We'll be back next week with a guest. Thanks for sticking around with us. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be like yea, you can come hang out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I think he's got a lot of followers, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't mind, I have 90 grand in students.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love, I love the, uh, celebrity athletes. Hey Jim, how you spread far? Uh, you gotta keep, uh, it's cool that you're working so hard. Everyone appreciates you working hard. And, uh, Bob said keep working hard. Because I'm like 500 bucks to say that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never read anything. Never. Syphilis? No, I've never gotten tested for AIDS either. Yeah. You throw that thing around though. You should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fucking tan, uhm, plump. You know when I start getting real thin and sneezy, then you can test me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've had those where you got, she wasn't quite like the lady in the video, but a little bit questionable downstairs. And I'm like, is that a sign of an STD? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever, uh, hook up with a girl after a wedding? Yeah. When they're all dancing around and stuff like that? That's a rough, kind of a hazard zone. That is, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, I'm just saying yeah, that doesn't deter me from it or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I take a whiff. Thanks to Manscaped, I don't have stinky ones anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm starting to think it's not a bad thing anymore, to be quite honest with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I figure why, why fight it, you know what I mean? Like, uh, I don't know, I just, I'm out there, if they're willing to try, that's the best part in itself, you know? True. So, who cares if it happens or not? I certainly don't, so I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean I'm not trying to have a kid, so I think that's the only time that it would really matter. Now let's say this, let's say you really- It would be cool to feel like what it's like to just do it like involuntarily almost, but at the same time like why, like I said, I'm not trying to make babies, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it'll be fun. I haven't had one in a while, so. I guess I gotta look for one of those. Can you introduce him to somebody?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like a girl who performs in any capacity, whether it be comedy or any sort of art. So, I'm into it. Just keep them in mind, alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why can't we just, uh, go out to dinner on Saturday? Cause I have to go to fucking Houston. You know what I mean? Like that kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It works really well. You're fucking primed for this. I know, for what? What's that? For scenes. I think, I mean, I'm already dipping my toe if you remember with my cameos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Geez. Yeah, comedy never made me that much money, so they were excited, my parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, there's, uh, you know, there's something for everyone, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Aw man, that would be an honor. I would love to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I love your direction always. Christina, has Tom told you about what I'm gonna do when I'm blind?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. For the porn, uhm, so like, I don't think there's a lot of blind porn stars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that I could very well just do a thing where it's like, I'm a little blind bitch or whatever. And... A blind sissy. And I'm like, I miss what tits look like. And they're like, we're gonna give you some tits. And then they bring in, but it's a dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uh, it's uh, so you picked the movie, he didn't pick the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey there, TikTok, so apparently I was told I needed to do this and show you all my magic cabinet as a practicing male witch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well I mean, yeah, this stuff right here. Let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, the sweaters ran out, but we already re-upped it. Thicc, boring nation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, that's not important to me though. Uhm, no, I don't have any tattoos, but I mean, I would totally be, you know, I could be convinced if something's funny enough or stupid enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you might have sent this to me. I sent this? Yeah, I mean we, I prepped this in January and then we stopped. In January? Yeah, we had, because YouTube had the adpocalypse and it's like, this is definitely not something they're gonna be cool with. But this was, I've never seen this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bye. Guy blows crack smoke into someone's ass? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what's your, what are the tears about? Are you gonna spit your drink out? Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Is this next one of a song? No. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my heart is full with all the outpouring and requests for content. And it is with a heavy heart that I must announce that I am retiring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a sex worker. Well, you know, sometimes, you know, I just, I lost my passion for the game and along the way at some point and I just, I lost my smile, you know, and my heart wasn't in it anymore and I have to find that again, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, have our heads in it, you know, sometimes, you know, when, like, you don't want to go to work sometimes in your everyday to day life. Same with us, you know, we have to, I have to take off my shirt, I have to comb my shoulder hair, get it ready for everyone. I have to make sure my feet are okay. You know, it's, it's a lot, it's a lot, and uhm. How many did you end up doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I will- Are you officially out of the game? Are you retired? Well, here's the thing, because of my fans, I don't want to disappoint them. I want them to have one more opportunity, uh, in order to get my content. So, I will for one more week accept-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, at a, at a premium price. If you wanna get my farewell tour, uh, it is available for you. And you're gonna up it though, right? You have to. Yes, it's at $100 right now. Oh wow. $100. Yes, to get a part of it. No, this is the farewell tour, so this is the end, you know. This is it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And through it all, I mean, it's rewarding. Don't get me wrong, it's rewarding getting the reviews and getting the smiles on people's faces and their hard dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, and, uh, you know, I, I, uh, just like Andrew Luck, you know, I, my body is different afterwards, and, uh, I have to take that into consideration, you know, I have to take my health into consideration. She's like you this week, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ, I'm gonna fucking puke. Me too. So... That was a good one. Why hello there, Alex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanted to let you know that you are doing such a good job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanted me to let you know that you've been spreading his word fantastically. And he wants to reward you for all of your hard work spreading his word. And he wants to reward you with the most erotic content that the US dollar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Josh. So you can see how I would be weathered a bit, you know. Yeaah. Something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my experience, the people who don't ask for the erotic content, I know that they, that's why they're there. So I have to provide it regardless. And they also ask me to give a message to their loved one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I don't think so, I know so. What? Okay, why is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? I don't wanna know. Some people, they, uh, you know, they'll ask, can you make your feet nice and dirty? Oh my god. Some people are like, can you make them clean? You know, it's back and forth, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really sad. I guess I'm back to fucking comedy again. But congrats on the success that you had while you had it. Yeaah. Thank you. No, I like going out on top also. I think like Rob Gronkowski is a better analogy than Andrew Orr. Sure, sure. So, I'm going out on top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great man. Thanks again. Thank you, Josh. And oh, where are your dates coming up? Oh, I'm gonna be in Seattle, September 5th at Chop Suey, alma mater the next day in Tacoma, and then on the 8th in Portland at Mississippi Studios. Portland, what's up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on out, it's only $18 to see a real life live show where it's $100 to see my shoulder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to Josh Potter, uh, Jay underscore Potter. Jay underscore Potter on Twitter, Josh underscore Potter on Instagram. Great. Tickets is all there. Thank you, sir. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not even flushing my feces down, you know? Nothing's going down. No? So you don't have to worry about me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't remember. Yea, no I did. How was it? It was solid today. Nice. Pretty good. Yea. Back in LA, eating better. Good. Yea. Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to be entertained. It's a good story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So did you always have like, I mean were you a stylish kid? I was always a stylish kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the bad symptoms are gone now. I had the hot eyes. That was bad. And I was, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, sickness makes it way, I mean in my opinion better, but you'd probably say worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, absolutely. I've been, I've been tracking it actually on my stories because I never, cause it's the thing I always forget. You guys always ask me when was the last time and I don't remember. So I'm putting it on stories. Great. Mmm. Wow. Shout out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No feedback, no, she needs to work on blah blah blah blah. They just, it's silence, radio silence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. So, so you go to New York for once and then you come home after that or do you stay in New York


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funnier to me though, than an able-bodied, like young person. Right. Elderly stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, I mean, you're a pretty busy lady with us now and all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear that one a lot. His mother says that for the dogs all the time. Right, my nana says that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh there he is. I don't want to miss a moment. Piss spots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Equine diarrhea. Equine diarrhea. I've seen a guy shit an alley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beakwine diarrhea. Beakwine diarrhea. Beakwine diarrhea. Beakwine diarrhea. Beakwine diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Open defecation. Take two shits this morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna really shit my pants lately. Oh, the defecation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and he's not, isn't he from like Germany or something, originally?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, on the way though. There he is. Look at this fucking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's no joke to do a six hour show. I mean, I don't know how he has the stamina to do that long of a show every second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which accent are you, is it Peruvian that you learn to speak with like that dialect or whatever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Peruvian. Like, yeah, Latin American Spanish. It's different. Because there's specifics to that, like, Mexicano Spanish is different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are some specific Peruvian Spanish bad words? Bad words? Right, like there's a different way to say F your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that the Queen's English? You did like the Queen's. That's how the Queen talks, how you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting. In Hungary, they just call them pussy eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Hungarians are very racist. It's just a matter of fact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's what my family, uh, called them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I know the proper word is kinoy for Chinese people, but I don't know if there's any distinction beyond.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also too, they're very open about your shape or your- like if you're fat, you're a gordo. And they do it like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get sick all the- then we have children too on top of it, makes it worse. Fucker. Alright. No, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we've been listening to one of the versions at the house a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's always bold to call the guy in a security outfit the f-word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what are we going to go for, drugs or mental illness? This might be one for Dr. Drew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm, at first I thought drugs. I'm leaning towards mental illness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only time it's okay is if you're in first class and they're like, do you want a champagne or mimosa? That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weena, hold on. My theory with this one is that he didn't go to bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think he was up tweakin' hard all night, he got all fired up, and he made a theory in his head that this guy is a target, and he needs to go straighten this guy out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ta ta there retard. Please tell me that's a drop. Please tell me we have that ice. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best. That's my favorite drop right now. Ta-ta there, retard. One more time. Ta-ta there, retard!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such a great alliteration. Tap on the teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As it goes down, ta-ta there retard. Very nice cadence. Very fluid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This game is like a wine drinking contest where we take a glass and then we, what are we smelling? What are the aromas? What are the notes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, can't maintain relationships. Tata there retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got that smoker's laugh too, have you noticed that? And that's her natural laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How come you laugh like you're even smoking? I don't know. 27 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm. Did you miss me? I was gone. You win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gone, I went to Milk Donkey, I went to Chicago, and I went to uhm, Momston Mass of huge tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Updates. I won't bore you with the clips this week. I've just been putting them straight on my insta stories. Thank you. At the Christina P. I put them all there. You may look at my stories. I keep them up to date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple of notes, uhm, unfortunately, At95Pigeons was let go from his job due to- What? Yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and I recently reposted one of him, he spits in a frying pan at his job, and I'm not saying it's my fault, but I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was good, it was a, it's on my insta stories if you want to see the one in question, he did a great job. So if anybody would like to offer 95 Pigeons a new gig, I think he'd be open to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, I think lesson learned. I mean, also, I heard you bitches was looking for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, she's very close to being fired from her McDonald's gig right now. It looks like it's about to happen, so if you want to give her a gig too, you may reach out to... How off... her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For that, you know? And they're trying to find other ways to squeeze her out, but, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I rode the Chooch from Milwaukee to Chicago and it's so fun. I think it's such a fun, it's so exciting and I think I'm far more excited than most people. You got me my beats by Dre.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It got me thinking though, first of all, what, what is life like when I'm not around for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you do? Cause I came home and I noticed you were sleeping on my side of the bed. So that got me thinking, what else are you up to when I'm not home? What's the variant in your routine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I noticed, uhm, when you're gone, my routine's really stringent, actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I felt like, I put the kids down and then it's bitsy time. She and I hang aggressively. That is different. She's my girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. I definitely wear rattier pajamas, and I look shittier when you're not around. Like I don't make much of an effort, but then when you're home I wanna look nice, you know? So I'll put on makeup and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before your trip you're about to leave tonight. Yeah. Does this mean you're gonna get sexually gratified on the road?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Anyways. That is so stupid. It's not, it's not happening. Not with our fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, you're in maximum dad mode with this look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came up with a stellar would you rather on the road. It's been a long time. Terry. That's a Terry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather... Well no, it's not really that. It's more like an option. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but you have to take an inch off your peener.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do it for the hide thing. I guess I could be- my vag would be looser? Is that the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's like, that's the catch, right? Like you're gonna attract all these sweet honeys, cause you're all fit and shit. Put the body of your dreams, you get to have the body of your dreams, but I'm taking two inches off your peener.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I'm so dumb. I got to the, I got to the train station early because I don't really take trains and I was like a nervous Nellie. And uhm, I ate breakfast at the Amtrak station. It's a fucking bad idea. So disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's such a stupid idea. I'm like, what am I thinking? Trains make me nervous. Yeah, I get so nervous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love a choo-choo ride. I wish I could take them more often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they didn't serve any food, which bothers me. I hate feeling like there's no way to eat food in a travel area. I get very nervous. At least give me a snacky snack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh it takes forever, dude. I looked at it one time, I think. Many years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'd wanna take a fancer train. Not the frickin' Amtrak. You had it. The dirty Amtrak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's where all the Amtrak goes. Wow, dang. You could go all the way across the US pretty much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shit's gonna take days to get to meat rattle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, from LA to meat rattle, about at least two days, three days. That's what I was guessing. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is, there's your drawing. There's your buggy. It's like prison. No, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, dude, that's fucking, nah, nah, nah, bruh, look at that. Looks like a fucking changing table. That looks terrible. It's so hard and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coach, business class seat, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I did take a lot of uber, uva's, I took a lot of uva's and uhm, had a lot of people driving me around. Oh, that looks horrifying. Looks like a dorm room. I feel like four people crammed in to that prison cell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, there's you and I. We could be up there. Scroll up. There's Tom and I holding hands. Look at the toilets right by your head too. That's nice. It is just like a prison cell. Look at that. You got a living room? You can take a shit right where you're sleeping. That's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, alright. Okay, so that's not terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, scroll up, Nadav, I wanna see Tom and I sitting together, arm in arm. Up, up, up. There we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you don't see her other arm, see? Where's her other hand? It's on her Bible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It needs help. Like, why are the elderly on? You should make it cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2% milk? Yep. Well how come it's only 2%? You don't think I can make whole milk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, but one thing I did have a lot of when I was taking my Ulvas is the driver who looks in the rearview mirror as they're having a conversation with you so they can make eye contact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so dumb bro, it's so unsafe. I don't need you to fucking, I don't need you to look at me. Look, like I can talk to you and I don't have to look at you. Go ahead and talk to him. Yeah, hey. See? It works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I took a lot of squirrely dumps on this trip, man. Yeah. Like you would not believe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you're like, you make the brown and then you're like, I can't believe I'm making more brown right now. Like it's all soft serve and it was so much. Ugh. I had to shit to shower a few times on this journey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No acupuncture. I like this one too. Yeaah, this is a jam bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excite. So I'm doing a kind of a residency at Flappers, uh, here in Burbank. I'm doing a brand new material in the Yoohoo room every Thursday, starting this week, uh, the 19th. Come and see me in the Yoohoo. Just very intimate. I just like to fart around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, September 22nd, I'm doing the Life is Beautiful Festival in Las Vegas. That's a festival, guys, so you'll just see me do a spot there. September 26th, back at Burbank, in the Yoohoo Room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, October 17th, Irvine, Spermvine, California, at the Spermvine Improv, November 22nd, Seattle, at the Neptune, tickets are almost gone for that one, same with Portland, at the Aladdin Theater, November 23rd, get em now, Christina P online, the shit is moving fast, yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, that's why I love it. It's like a, it's a good feeling. It didn't uhm, isn't that where Ali did hers too? I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you why we tell them I ordered lunch for you guys. I tried to order gassy foods so that you guys fart a lot and that you'll fart in the fart mic. Fart mic's upset on Twitter. Okay. Will you fart?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like a bunch of reckless skateboarders, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you feel about it? How does that make you feel? You're like rookie machine, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I loved, and I think you make a good distinction here, is that if it's just dudes jumping on barbed wire or getting kicked in the nuts, like even though that's always funny, uhm, what was so, it gets tiring, but what was so great about Jackass, and I was, I fucking watched every episode, I saw all the movies,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The joy of just the theme song, cause you knew like, it was a bunch of guys who were buddies, who liked being with each other, who were just being a bunch of slap dicks. Like you guys were like the cool skateboarders in school, like the cool boys that you'd watch do reckless shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is stupid. This is just dumb. I have so many dumb questions for important guests. But, uh, one of my favorite episodes was it, I think you were getting a tattoo in a moving jeep. Yeah. The worst tattoo ever. Can I see it? The worst tattoo ever made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even hearing you speak, like I've never heard him talk, Sivo, and you're so articulate. Oh thank you. I'm like really blown away because I've only ever seen you on Jackass stapling your nuts to your lips. It's always been. Crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I love about watching Steve-O watch these is how, like, it doesn't phase him. Other people are like, oh my gosh, he's so chill, right? It's like him watching, you know, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. So you start pre-gaming the jack?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. And are the cameras rolling when you're at that beginning point?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think also stand-up comedians are very protective of the, of the craft, of the form. Like we're like fucking marines. We're like, if you're not in the trenches with us, you're not one of us. Like there, there is that culture of the hard knocks thing. So I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, simultaneously I'm finding myself hearing you, like, you have this crazy death wish on the one hand. I mean, you really do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a daredevil and then on the other hand you want to be remembered and immortalized and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And knowing Dr. Drew, you did Dr. Drew After Dark, and you've known him for 20 years, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's nice about this knife here is, uh, the tip's been broke off, so it's going to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these dentist problems on a white lightie. All these troubles when you have a tooth bothering you. Just pull over and take care of it. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was that like for you? Porn girls? Uh, well they were lesbian porn girls, so it was a little bit better. How's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, there was nothing sex, like, you have in your head, like, oh, porn stars like this and that, and then when you actually see what they do, you're like, wow, this is really bullshit and fake, you know, like, uh, like, they, like, they barely ever come, or like, but they act like they're coming, you know, and shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, and it wasn't that bad, like I, I thought I would be really jealous and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ended up dating a couple of them, and then I dated a boy-girl porn star, and that, that was hard. That, you know what I mean, and... So, wait, tell us about that. Yeah, I'm curious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you one of the worst things that ever happened, okay? So she was known for getting drilled, like, bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She worked every day. Every day? This girl, I don't want to say who she is anymore, but, uh, this girl was one of the top girls and she was working multiple movies every single day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, she's out of it now. That's why I don't really want to talk about it. But she was known for getting drilled. She was known as one of the more extreme girls. Like, yeaah, kind of like an Asa Akira type girl. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, she had an anal day. And, uh, usually- Do you know this today before? Is that how it works? No, I think I knew this that day. That day. Like, like, I was like, what happened that night? I got fucked in the ass by two guys in the ass. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was so dead inside, like in this relationship, like I don't even know how I did this, but, uh, and usually she would come home and like shower. She had like a thing in her shower that actually just cleaned her asshole out and like kind of like a douche stick. I don't even know what it was called. It was just connected to the shower. It was weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she got off and she's like, uh, she's like, uh, pick me up. I got a cool party we're going to go to. And so we went to Slash's house of Guns N' Roses and cause she was friends with his wife at the time. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, right? So, uh, so we, we do ecstasy. She's never done it before. She is gone. She's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So bad, so horny, and I was like, let's go outside. We go outside and there's a sign like, do not go past this gate, you know, the party wasn't, you're not allowed going up this. So we go past the gate, and it's his pool area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's this big bush by the pool, and we go in the bush to hide, and I just start eating her ass out. And I forgot about the, the, what she did that day before, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, you never told her the rest, you never told her that story? I never told her this story. And she put her, she had to know something happened. I know who it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had to know that something happened because she put on her clothes and her butt had like, I mean I wiped my, I was doing like this shit, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I did fuck her, and then, you know, I- When? After that? Oh, at that moment. At that moment, I grabbed some pool water, swished my mouth out, and started fucking her, and then- In her butt? No, no. God, you are savage. I was on Molly, man, I had no idea what I was doing. Oh, drugs. So you forgot about drugs. And then you guys went back to the party? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not on the outside of her pants, I don't think, but I didn't really check. I just remember when she put it up, I was like, wow, that's a lot of sh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was an intern for Big Brother Magazine, which was, uh, the incubator for Jackass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he had a company, like a conglomeration of companies, and they would promote his companies, like, with these absurd ads, like one was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, that was like, you know, par for the course for how this guy, Steve Rocco, promoted his skateboard companies. But when the Kill Yourself ad arrived at Thrasher Magazine and Transworld Skateboard Magazine, they both said, hey, we're not printing this and sent it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sort of uh, indignant, this guy said, oh yea, you don't like my fucking ads? How about fuck you? I'm gonna start my own magazine. That was how Big Brother started. Was just, fuck you, and he didn't want to put anything in the pages of Big Brother, uh, unless it was, like, would not be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he's fuckin' epic. Yeah, his name's Steve Rocco. There's a whole thing. And uhm,


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[Assistant] Kids issue, where this was for like the best very young skateboarders in the world. Yea. And Ryan Sheckler, there's an 8 year old Ryan Sheckler on the cover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Larry Flint found out about this when there was like all this kids issue and what they're doing with these little kids. And Larry Flint viewed it as an exciting First Amendment kind of a thing. So he bought, Steve Rocco sold Big Brother Magazine to Larry Flint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was the one that, uh, had my article, which was called the Burning Boy Festival, where I burnt the skin off half my face and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when Larry Flint bought the magazine from Steve Rocco, uh, the editor in chief,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who would go on to create Jackass and direct all the movies. And Jeff Tremaine knew Spike Jonze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super popular. And, uh, Jeff Tremaine, who was in charge of making those videos, reached out to Spike Jonze and he said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, uh, you know, with this crazy cult following this popularity of our videos, he says, I really don't think anybody gives a fuck about the skateboarding that's in there. He says, I think if we subtract the skateboarding from the Big Brother videos, then what's left over could make a great TV show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so they just put together a video like of everything except the skateboarding which left, uh, you know, me and Knoxville and Wee Man and Chris Ponies and it was just that simple.


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[Assistant] Yes, uhm, I was a disturbed child from the onset. You were. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Well, that's actually something that my sixth grade teacher wrote on my report card. He said, Steve, uh, so wants the approval and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, whatever the, you know, the attention and the adulation. The attention, the approval, the, you know, of his peers. And, uh, what he does, you know, to, to, brings about the opposite result.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, born in England. Six months old, moved to Brazil. Spoke my first words in Portuguese because I was raised by living maids.


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[Assistant] I got his first, like, I don't know, startup entry level job or something. He was a fucking badass, my dad. And so then he got promoted to, uh, all of, running all of Pepsi Cola and like all of South America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the, uh, the story with the, I'm in 10th grade, and eh, sorry, I'm 10 years old in 5th grade. Uhm.


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[Assistant] That I knew that right when it first, uh, you know, feels a little bit loose. But it's not, like, it's just starting to get loose. That if you rip it out, like, really, like, sort of violently, like, you know, prematurely, it's gonna bleed a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is like my, you know, I had this experience, so I walked into my Spanish class and there was this, uh, like, like,


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[Assistant] Pretty girl in the class who I would otherwise would have been terrified to sit next to, but on this particular day, I walked in class and I went right sitting next to the pretty girl and I said to her,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like whatever, like you weirdo, you know? And uh, so then straight off class started and, and I just grabbed this tooth and I just ripped it out and there's just all this blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, you know, I let the blood be like coming out of my mouth and I raised my hand to the teacher and I said, teacher, I need to go to the nurse. She saw the blood and she said, go, go, you know, of course, go to the nurse. And I stood up and turned to the chick and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a kid who uh, who caught my attention online. You know, uhm.


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[Assistant] And, uh, and by my house I go on this hike and there's all these cactuses. So I thought, you know, okay, like.


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[Assistant] I think that if, uh, you know, I don't know the, like the cool...


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[Assistant] There's just, there was just something kinda like, uh, like this is a serious thing, you know? Like, I, I don't know, and again, I don't wanna like, you know, uh, be mean or anything, but uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I think was good about Jackass was that, uh, in all of the stupidity there was something kind of, like, if not clever, like light-hearted fun. Yea, and then, um, then you have as soon as, like, as it develops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and after talking about that, we, uh,


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[Assistant] He had this Instagram handle, his name's Zach Holmes. And he had this Instagram handle that was like Trilly, some weird number, and then like TSTD. And I was like, why does your fucking Instagram say STD? And like, how the fuck did-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I was such a fan of the Big Brother videos myself and I was so passionate about like what, you know, but I thought it was like just too gnarly to really be allowed on TV, you know, like what we were doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I remember when the pilot got ordered, Jeff Tremaine, he said, you know, on the phone, he told me, it's not a pilot anymore, we got ordered to Ceres, so we're gonna come out and we're gonna show you, you know, the right ideas, and right now, immediately,


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[Assistant] A real bad one over that and they had a couple other fire incidences. So like their standards and practices was so not sense of humor about fire. And then they had another thing that they were touchy about is if you jump from things that were really high.


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[Assistant] I developed, uh, you know, the first career in simultaneous fire-breathing acrobatics ever and before I went to clown college.


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[Assistant] I, uh, okay, when I graduated from high school, uhm, I went straight to the University of Miami. My intention was to become, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, an advertising executive on some level. You see the skateboard had led me to the video camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I wasn't that great at skateboarding. I knew that there wasn't gonna be like a professional skateboard career. And so I thought, I love making videos and maybe I'll make TV commercials that are really cool.


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[Assistant] So I went to the University of Miami and I just ran into a real problem getting to class. You know, like I just couldn't pull it off. And, uh, I couldn't keep a job and I couldn't, I just like really felt that I lacked the survival skills to make it in the world. And, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, the question was, what are you gonna do now? And I was like, I'm gonna become a crazy, famous stuntman.


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[Assistant] But he kinda just wasn't backing it. And then after clown college, and still, I had been in a few issues with Big Brother, but there was no indication that it was gonna become more than a skateboard magazine, and I hadn't made a fucking penny.


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[Assistant] And, and it was at that point before I had any success, before I'd earned any money.


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[Assistant] Right, you can really see both sides of my family mixed in me.


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[Assistant] But yeaah, so dad pledged to support me and, and I really loved like the, the fact that, you know, dad and I don't have a good relationship because I'm successful. I actually feel, you know, pretty strongly that I'm successful largely because I have a good relationship with my dad. Really? Because he supported me.


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[Assistant] And I was like, is that all you want? Is out of everything I said, that's all you want? And they said, yeah, and we want to give you $500 for exclusive rights. And I was like, whoa, what does exclusive rights mean? You're like, well then that means you don't own it anymore. We do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, wait, what? No, that sucks. You know, this is my legacy. And so I called up dad and I was like freaking out. Dad said, hey, mellow out is really simple. Figure out at which point...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A deal breaker. It sounds like exclusivity's a deal breaker. So why don't you come back and say no exclusivity and I want a thousand?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is able to compartmentalize, like what his values are. He just says, you know, like a lot of the time his go-to is, I'm not your demographic. I recognize the, you know, the marketability of this to your demographic. And he's able to just have his business hat on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at the same time, he gets a kick out of some of it. But in any case, back to the, where the University of Miami, and I've just fucked up so terribly. And uhm, I, uh, I dropped out and I'm gonna become a stuntman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and I always worked my way back to the University of Miami, you know, where I lived on campus, which I wasn't even allowed to be on, and homeless, and I, like, slept on people's floors and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I made it to my second year. I dropped out at the beginning of my second year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was only for my one, my second semester. But, uh, so now I'm like vagrant, I'm living on couches and floors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, I've got this, I'm on this mission to become this stuntman, you know? And, and in my view, like, to be able to do a back flip, like, while waiting for an elevator, like, just to freak someone out, would be like, really cool to me. And that was one of my first, like, real things I wanted to work for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I, I, and I loved the pool. I learned like all my, my roof jumps at the, the University of Miami Olympic pool. You know, where like they call it sun tan you and everybody's just sunbathing and the, the Olympic team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Greg Louganis has his, you know, mural painted on the wall with all the divers. Well, there's three other people have their murals painted on the walls. Cause that's what you get when you win the NCAA championship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were the number one, number two, and number three ranked platform divers in the nation, NCAA status. And they all had their murals painted on their wall. They all lived in the same apartment, in the athletic apartment.


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[Assistant] They, they like formally, like, I mean as formally as you can, like at a keg party, like trained me to do like a really clean standing backflip, you know? To walk up and down stairs, like on my hands. Like all this like crazy kind of circus shit, like way before I was going for circus stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Intermittently, you know, in between acts, like woven through the show, I'd come out and pound more, more alcohol. So I'm like, there's no way around it. I'm drunk. And then I'm going to go do an acrobatic routine.