[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, oh yeah, it was a, it was a fucking, it was a culture shock for me. Right. Yeah, yeah. And, and what I didn't realize was that people, and this was sort of what made me go from being so serious all the time to being funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that I didn't know that, so in the school, in the school house before you get sent to your job, if you get, if you get the best grade, you get to pick where you go. And I had to, I was seven out of eight people. Cause I fucked school. And they sent me to the best place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what they told me at the time was, yeaah, you didn't do well, but you, but you're the smartest person here. Right? Trying to like boost my ego. But when I got there, everyone was acting all fucking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? And when one time, and then the, the, the uhm, my, my warden officer pulled me in his office one day and he was like, so how you doing? Same, same like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. And he's like, hey, how are you? And I'm like, well, to be honest with you, sir, everyone's acting fucking weird. Like everybody was being super nice to me. They would stop. They would stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, like, I could hear the conversation shift when I walked in the room and shit like that, you know? And then he closed the door and was like, look, I'ma tell you something. Before you got here, they took all the black Marines out of the unit because someone accused the CO of being racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so you're the first black person here since then. That's why you're here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? And that's why everyone's acting weird is because they're afraid to say something. Blah blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, but the thing is, that was, that was making me more uncomfortable. Of course. You know what I mean? So... So how did you react to it though? So I started, I started just bringing it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I just started talking about race all the time, you know, and I, and I pull and then I pull, I got everybody together eventually and I was like, look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Y'all walking on eggshells cause y'all scared that I might, that you might say something that it was gonna upset me and blah blah blah blah. I was like, I'm sure some of y'all are racist. You don't know it maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But me going to the other unit, because our sister unit was mostly black people in charge. But it's like, they still gonna treat you like a nigga, everyone's a nigga in the Marine Corps. So it don't matter, if I go over there, I'm still gonna be getting treated like shit, but I'm gonna be, it's gonna just be black people treating me like shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just learned, and I started saying what I, and I was, and it started with race, like joking about race, the most serious thing, and I just started slowly learning, like a, you know, and, and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I always felt worse for the kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like all the foster care shit and the military shit, it was also an education in like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so that's how I stopped feeling sorry for myself because I realized in any kind of art,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and be truthful. That's all I can say. So like, now I feel like empowered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Which means? Which means you don't want the scuffle. You don't want, you don't want it to come to blows. Yeah. You don't want no smoke. You don't want no drama. No wreck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you get somebody to turn this into a trap beat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think it's want no rec. It's like you don't want this shit, right? Because look, I'm not trying to say that the dude that says he lives around bloods, I'm not saying he's full of shit, but I've never heard that phrase. Right, right. You know, and so I don't know, I don't know if that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we can't get ahold of this guy? We tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's the funniest, the funniest tweet I ever saw. And I feel bad that I don't remember who said it, but they, but they were like, uh, they were like, uh, can, uh, can a crip, can a crip date an Asian girl named Su Wu?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on the, I'm on the want no rec team. I'm throwing my full weight behind it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell her. Tell her. Man, live in your truth, man. Just tell, tell the truth, deal with the consequences. Cause anything you gotta, anything you gotta pretend to get, you gotta stay pretending to keep. Right. And that's exhausting. Just tell her to let the chips fall where they may. Motherfuckers stop talking to you, fuck them. Let them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Cause you headed towards that like, that joker path.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gon' fuck around and try to poison somebody or, you know, like, you got that nasty shit brewing in you cause you lonely and she might not even be into you. You need to find that out soon. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, cause if he gives up on her and just goes away, what's the difference, I'm talking about the outcome wise, what's the difference between that and him telling her and her being like no and him going away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the brother, the brother is his best friend. This dude is not his friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what really sucks is he's probably, he's probably know, he probably knows that this dude don't really give a fuck about her, you know what I mean? Right, right. I used to be that guy that was just like scared, that's just, now I'm completely like, I'm just living in my truth man, I'm just gonna shoot myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I just don't, I don't believe this woman. Tell me why. Because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It comes off too much like she's trying to convince me of what she is, like she's not being honest with herself about what she is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because she's like, I'm all these good things. I'm all the, it's just all good and for some reason I can't find a boyfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where they are both the hero and the victim, they're always full of shit. It's like, you can't be both of those in the same story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Cause do, well do Muslims have some kind of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I bet you could, you could find that on some porn. Muslim ass eating. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Just pull that up on the search. Very respectful ass eating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, uhm, Islam means submit, submission. Really? That's what it translates to? Yeaah. Do what I fucking tell you. Cause if he marries her, she has to do whatever he says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know Muslims that eat pork. You do? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know Muslims that they, you know, they just like, it's just like, it's like every other religion. Yeah. There's people that's orthodox about their life and then there's people that just say they are. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's about that life. Who's turning down scrum? I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm not, I'm not like, look, I'm not seeking it, but if I, if I was in a situation, if that was the barrier to entry, then I'm in there. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it can't be no shitty smell, cause smells for me are really powerful. If I smell the slightest hint of shit, I'm out of here. Yeah, no, no, no. And I'll get you whatever damn douche.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this, this happened to me. Same, same warrant officer, they pulled me to the side and told me what was up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the same one, when I first got there, he was like, uhm, he was like, uhm, you got a girlfriend? I was like, yeaah, he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She from back home, I was like, yeah, he was like, you think about getting married? I was like, yes, sir. He was like, no, you're not. Really? Right off the bat? He said, don't fucking do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't fucking do it. He said I could order you to stay away from her. Damn. But I'm not gonna do that. But I'm just trying to give you some good advice. If the Marine Corps wanted you to have a wife, it woulda issued you one. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was fucking right. Everybody I know that was married, that got married to that first girl from home, they divorced now, except one. Only one couple is still together. Everybody else is divorced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was miserable. And now me and that girl are good friends, but we would have been an awful couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so, so it's like, it's like you can't, cause I don't know if this is the first girl to touch your penis or the first titties you ever touched. They're not, they're just friends. They're not together yet. They've never, he wants to tell her he loves her. Bro, you're gonna go to, don't do that. You go to college first. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, just try, just be a girl's friend. Just try that first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like every girl you have any kind of tingly feeling for is not your girlfriend, is not your wife, is not a potential relationship. Just be nice to her and be her friend and you'll get, she will, she will help you get pussy. She will help you find that other person. But why can't you, it's like some guys have this attitude of like either, either


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there is, there's a lot in between. Some girls, you're just there for emotional support, or you're just there, you're there to be there, you know, you're her work husband, where she just flirts with you at work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, she just likes the attention that you give her, but she don't wanna fuck you. You know, she's never gonna fuck you, she's not in love with you, but she likes that. It doesn't have to be more than that. Like, just be her friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let it, let it go. If you gonna go be a roommate, just be a friend. Don't go there with no expectations that y'all gonna be together or you in love. You don't know if you in love. You fucking 18, 17. You ain't in love. That ain't real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I know you don't have, I don't know, I know you don't have unlimited buttons over there, so how many are dedicated? To N words? Yea. Like 40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm a at BS comedian on Instagram and my podcast is BS with Brian Simpson. What's that about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just me talking about whatever I want. It's not particularly funny. It's just this. It's me just being, having my opinion about shit. That's great. Yeah, and I do like, I introduce like new, like indie artists and shit at the end sometimes. Oh, that's cool man. Little black history sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, five kids, fuck. Five. It should be that. Five. Attorney. Smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me at 23.95. Black guy motherfuck fucks up. Black guy motherfuck fucks up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Even medical, medical advice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. Please continue to watch more. You can see all these where my hand's gesturing. You can click on those. And please subscribe if you have not yet. Hit the subscribe button and then we'll get your money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, sorry time. Sorry. What time? Sorry time. Me and my friend were at a party, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A friend out, and he met a chick. You can never tell, but don't mind, you can never tell if a chick's a man or a woman sometimes. And you know, you gotta play the luck of the draw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he took this chick down to my friend's basement down in the house, you know, and we're gonna go do the chick-a-wong-wong tour and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, so he's down there, and they're getting in the mood, and he goes, why do I feel like there's a log in your pants? He goes, ah, that's not how you do that. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he ran out, and he ran out of there, I'm not gay, I'm not gay. Found out the guy's name's Susie. Nick's name's Susie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. This way all the vomit and shit that's tied up in there will kind of sink towards the feet. Jesus. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost, I almost feel bad that Christina isn't here to appreciate the normal length intro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So are we going for a full 24 hours next?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, well we just gotta expand the storage on our Libsyn account and then we'll be fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a little false advertising, I'll give you that. It's uh, you know, to get it to end on a loop. Oh, I see. Okay, so that's why. That's why it was like that. But you know, round up a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, zip tie to offense and this guy is not into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what happened was that he saw it tied up and he started cutting it down and that attracted an audience. And so now he's currently defending himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think that's possible. I think that dude was definitely, I think he works for the school. I think all these people are, work with or are associated with the school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so more people are approaching and he's reading their name tags and telling them to go away by their first name. It's just really good moves across the board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the video ends with him going back into his car, like, and people like, hey man, you can't leave now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I think he was just trying to convince him to not call the cop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have two clips, one just to see if you could spot it, and then another one with it highlighted like a football highlight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so this guy, he wrecked his car, um, and then as the tow truck is coming to tow it away pretty much to the junkyard, the guy, who looks like a child, like a 17, 18 year old dude, is like, dude, you're fucking up my car more than you need to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. All that shit's gone, man. It's collateral damage. Yeaah. It happens. You read it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always remember, Crystal Lee is doing it to save relationships, Rock on. Oh, he's on Mark Wahl. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, this is something that, you know, it's in a better direction. You alright, Christina?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll take that, that's already a step up from, from the last fiasco, so. No, I applaud your effort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, uh, I think it was a week or two ago, you sent, uh, there's a group chat with you, me, and Josh, and you're like, look into this guy. And, uh, that was the first post that I saw. I was like, yea, this is, uh. I sent this guy over to you guys? Yea, you sent this guy's profile to us. Really? Mhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I'll look into it and prep some for next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's uh, look for hat, the folder that starts with the word hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the most excited I've ever seen anybody in the game. Really? Yeah, she was really stoked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ooh, just got out, baby, Starlight County, let's go!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deal with it. You don't like it, get off my page. But you will not be mean to me or other littles. Let me see who else is a little on my page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's resentment. What do you think he resents you for? That jacket perhaps?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel like you, can I tell you when I used to wear that jacket? When? When I worked at the Department of Public Safety. Are you gonna do Charlie unit or dispatch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me? Yeah, I guess. Alright, I'm gonna go... This is ridiculous. It's got, uhm, you can't see it, but it's got, like, camouflage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like, doesn't he end the- end the- straight outta Compton? Like, wasn't he- wasn't Ice Cube wearing jackets similar to the shiny?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you do look like you've got your windbreaker on, and you're gonna go out in traffic, you're gonna do Charlie unit, you're gonna take it cars. Okay. You might work dispatch later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I like your silver fox beard. It's very cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like my beard, I like that. How many women have been with their husbands for 15 years and two children are like, I adore you, I think you're handsome, I love you, I like why you're looking today. There's not a wife in America who dotes on you like I do. Who loves you like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did she put on all that eye makeup before she got put under? I think so. Probably, I don't think it was during.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's A, it's voluntary, so they know what they're getting into, they volunteer to do the gag. And it's like the three stooges where you know that nobody's gonna really come out of it hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what you're saying is you're not, uhm, as big of a sociopath as everybody's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, cause Tom's always listening to like people fighting, like we're laying in bed and I'm on my TikTok and he's watching people fighting, hitting, hey check out this fun fight at Disneyland and like I don't want to fucking, I don't want to fill my mind


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With this garbage. You know what I mean? At least what I'm looking at, it's artistic. People are trying to be creative. It's not just violence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? I'm trying to elevate the human race, Tom. I'm trying to bring people together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna see him again? I fucking love that guy. Bring it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was watching this TikTok when we were laying in bed and it caught your ear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go, yeaah. And you go, what's that one? I got some TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No, Tom made me find that guy's profile. And then we went through his catalog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I like the tag on the punchline. The tag is the spittle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he has a lot of saliva around his mouth on his other stories too. A lot of saliva down his chin, around his mouth. Like I'm not sure what's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About receiving it. He seemed a little, he gave a kind of an eye roll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, thank God he started using the iPhone, it looks so much better already. That's a lot of stuff in that haul. That's a lot of stuff, but he's proud of his antiques.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he has to have gotten some bites on this by now. I mean, we've given him so much of this platform. Somebody, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't take it personally. I think it's because he can't see very well and he's in charge of printing out our copy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like with Alexa, it upsets you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I like on Waze is that you can adjust the type of voice, and I choose boy band. I mean I don't like to call it boy band, that is gendering them as well, but it's a fun thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But wait, there's a segment, there's a section in Party City for the one-year-old's birthday party that you can have gender neutral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Birthday person, birthday child, that kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a hard thing for, I mean he still can't talk. Yeaah. So to get consent for diaper changes can take up to an hour to two hours at a time. How long does he sit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Josh, do you like having this under your nipples?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, now hold on, I would think that soiled would be more desirable if you're looking for just worn or gently used. But it's all about, again it's all about the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, if, if I were to go, uhm, in the panty world, branding-wise, I would have different categories, like this is my office job, 9 to 5 pair, this is my gym pair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, like I would do uhm, one hour of Pilates underwear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But wait, but Josh, real talk, let's say she's the one, she's like the neo who can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you would be okay with her making you cum. What if you bring her, hold on, but here's, here's the deal. What if you bring her to like your sex things? Like you hook up with some hot chick and then you're like, hold on granny, that's a cut line and finish it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's having breakfast for dinner. Those are pancakes and eggs. Did you notice that, Tom? And breakfast is for breakfast time only. We know that's a rule. Yeah, those are pancakes and eggs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only once, only once, he happened to be on my phone with me as we were doing faces on Instagram, and I had the lady up, and he like her, he goes, mustard lady, mustard lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To those shows, yeah. Yeah, I think that's a great idea. I think you should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're taking the dick pills and you came in here all jazzed up the other day. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What prompted you to try it? Yeah, like what happened that you decided?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Oh, it's right there! Again, August 2nd, 3rd, Salt Lake City, Utah. September 5th, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. September 6th, Chicago, Illinois. September 7th, Boston, Massachusetts. October 3rd, 3rd, 5th, Nashville, Tennessee. November 22nd, Seattle, Washington. November 23rd, Portland, Oregon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tickets are Christina P online. Also, I have a brand new podcast called Where My Moms At. It is a podcast by moms and for real moms. I talk all things mom, I do mom fails, embarrassing moments, all kinds of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to my YouTube channel, that's the Christina P YouTube channel. The show drops Mondays at noon. You can watch it on YouTube, download it wherever podcasts are downloaded. Send me your mom feels, emails, voicemails, where my mom's at, at gmail.com. Check out my two specials on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Phew. Man, how do you- I mean that must have made you funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm serious, because people who are funny, it's not because you had a great life growing up. Uhm, I mean, most of us, I find.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A year and a half. I think it's called an Irish Twin. Yes. Just discussing that before you came here. How difficult that is, uh, to pull off two pregnancies in such a short time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the uh, plumber came yesterday to look at it and he goes, oh yea, you have to turn off the, the valve so that nobody can flush it again. And I was like, I don't even know how to do that. I'm surprised she knew how to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me the biggest adult moment was when we bought our first washer and dryer for clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dolls, funny, you should mention. He gave me one. He gave me the Christina doll. See behind him? There's one that he lovingly, it was really beautiful, she had a nice big outfit on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the spooky thing on the door? He's terrifying. I didn't even notice that. But you know something? He's the sweetest lamb you've ever met. I don't know. He's sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What led up to the making of the video? Was he like in a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That seems redundant. He seems to like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, what are we calling these vids? Cause I'm not sure they're cool guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like for junior high kids. Yeah, it's silliness. I'm fascinated with it. I've been on his Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know. Like I'm serious. Like I'm very serious. Ohhhh, gotcha. I didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, here's the one I was referring to, and it's so messed up, like, it's kinda gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Now you could tolerate that personality long term. Yeah. Look. Oh my god. Here we go. So that's from the grant. He writes, If anyone sees my fish shirt, please DM me so I can get my fish shirt back. I left it downtown at the club last night. Please and thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is awful. Yeah, this is it. So throwback, TBT, me and my sugar mama. Uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I agree. So you, you, you would, uh, like let's say you're out on, you're with your partner or whatever and they do something and it totally drives you up the wall. Like you're saying delaying the inevitable meaning, eventually you're going to break up with that person because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do, you know what you need? I know, I see it now. You do need one of these guys who's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do I put this? Like a regular guy. Loud. And big. Like these guys. What's the first guy we have?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like these neighborhood-y, you know what I mean, but he knows everybody in the neighborhood. Hey, there's fuckin' Timmy the Butcher, and he's like the mayor of the block, and he's just really grounded, and he wants to coach fuckin' soccer for his kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The adoration. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. That's what she said. That's what I'm saying. And the guy who's, you just wanna fuck, they're never gonna give you that kind of love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, would you guys like to know a little insider secret that I learned?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes! While working with McDonald's a couple weeks back? Yeah. You know the McRib is a seasonal item, right? Yes. Uh-huh. Do you wanna know why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Opportunity. I love it. Because she's gonna fuck around. She's not in it for Josh's dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a ride or die bitch right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Josh, did you hear what you said? That you go other places when you have sex. You're not engaged in the moment. So you're dissociating. That's what dissociation is when you go somewhere else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're, something's going on, she's right. You gotta see a shrink, like for real. Talk about some trauma shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My friend just texted me and told me my ex Perry is in jail. I wish I could find out for what, but I don't know. If anybody can find out for me, let me know. Thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do we need coyotes for by the way? Can we just, you know how people are like spiders are keeping the world, keeping all the insects out. You want to get rid of spiders? Then when all the mosquitoes carry you off into the ocean and you're like, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you tell him? No. You kept it to yourself? Yea. And then you got through it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it wasn't people, and you're taking some type of bike it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much is the, how much is the, like is there a struggle right now? None. None. Zero. But you do like meetings and everything? 12 steps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ask her out right then and there at that first open mic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is, uh, at the same time Jackass is taking off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm supposed to be here. You're also lucky you have coke, because the coke would bring you up in those...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the funniest part is that you're like, hey UCB.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was a crazy time. Yeah, I was taking pills and drinking GHB and drinking booze. Every time with GHB I used to be a raver. Yeah. Every time, yeah. GHB. And I had, I had one, you know, in retro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jane, Salt Lake City, Utah, Wise Guys Comedy Club, August 2nd and 3rd, September 5th, Milwaukee, September 6th, Chicago,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, September 7th, Boston, Massachusetts, October 3rd through 5th, Nashville, Tennessee, September 22nd, Seattle, Washington, and then November 23rd, Portland, Oregon, and that is the year for me. So get your tickets now at


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina P online. Also, if you haven't already, check out my two Netflix specials, Mother Inferior and I have a 30 minute special on the degenerates. I am the last one in the degenerates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all they've been saying, right, Nadav, in the comments that they want it shorter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, it's my birthday too, and for my birthday I wanted a shorter intro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. Thank you, Nadav. I think you should get a raise for that work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My fart count is a lot higher than yours. There's the fart mic counter on Twitter, the account. I'm like ten, I'm like ten farts, right? Tom's like three. And I have a feeling maybe if you committed yourself a little more to the fart mic, you might enjoy it more. But right now your work is pitiful and I think, I think that's affecting your opinion of the fart mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. I don't even know you. This whole show is a fucking sham. Why don't you work on your fart mic technique and then we'll talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember when McDonald's sponsored this show? And nobody liked our set. The first episode here in the studio. And I pushed for the fart mic. It was the fart mic that saved that episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the fart mic! It was my work and Nadav's work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I can talk about it. As long as we for sure air this after the Sunday. Oh, oh my gosh. Okay, should we just discuss?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you guys are gonna die, but remember how McDonald's originally sponsored our studio, right? And that's why it was painted yellow and red, and some of you felt conflicted about the colors, whatever, but it was really nice having McDonald's as a sponsor because we got to eat all that free food,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they weren't too pleased about the video and the content and so, uh, well we got let go and we had to return 2.3 million dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Which is kind of a bummer. Uhm, now I got a phone call about a week ago. Both of us. Your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you guys go, if you go to my Instagram on my, uhm, Instagram account, there's the ad that I, that, eh, we'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's there. It's there. Okay, so listen to this. So I get a call from our agent. Turns out...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They overreacted, and not only that, in light of Pride and Pride Week, that it was a bit homophobic against...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And basically, McDonald's came crawling back to your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] McDonald's is back in the fold as a sponsor. I swear to God. This is not a joke. This is not a joke. And they asked both of us to be a brand ambassador at, uhm, what's it called? Clusterfest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Tom couldn't go, uh, for other various reasons. Uhm, and I was a McDonald's representative at Clusterfest and I made even a commercial for McDonald's, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, worldwide favorites menu items from around the world to America for a limited time. That's correct. Uh, go ahead and go to McDonald's right now and you can try the tomato mozzarella chicken sandwich from Canada and the stroop waffle McFlurry from the Netherlands for a limited time only. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't remember the last time I had a filet-o-fish, but it's fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well he's so, Trump, you know, is very media savvy. He's worked for television for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't, don't you have disdain for people, like on planes and stuff, when they start coughing and ca- and you're like, come on, one cough, okay, two coughs, okay, five coughs, repeat cough. Take a fucking lozenge, you idiot, you know? There's Robitussin, go buy some. What's wrong with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tanning. He self tans and then he puts the eye thing on, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody says it, and everyone talks about his hair, he doesn't care. You ever see Margaret Cho's joke? She does about this, it's fantastic. She goes, oh you got the white around your eyes? She goes, you got to blend, bitch!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, she says I'm not so much better than me. But you're very fucking bland, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Looks terrible. Those jeans are too, like raver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. You know what the grossest thing I've ever seen though? Is a woman brought a Ziploc bag full of hard boiled eggs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This troop, Waffle McFlurry, from McDonald's, from the Netherlands. It's a limited time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? I ordered extra McFlurry Crumbles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still claim that this tastes a hundred times better than regular parm cheese. Now let me just show you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reason I brought this out and my favorite thing in the whole world is a fresh container of Kraft brand shaky cheese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, this is my favorite thing to do in the whole world. Don't judge until you try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You open a fresh vat of Kraft shaky cheese, open it, it's gotta be fresh, like you see how I just took this off? Take a whiff of that. Hold on, let me open the big side, you can really get, take that in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of which, I'm wearing some mom peepee panties. It's got an extra layer and I'm making money right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and what you gotta do, you gotta put the shaky cheese in your palm. Okay, one shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please, just try a little bit on your palm and it's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you think it's better than traditional parmesan cheese when it's fresh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I don't, cause sometimes it's too strong a flavor and I like it better this process kind. I don't know what they do to it, but I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever. Ask cockroach. Ask cockroach. He eats like I eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And BTW, but I like graded real parmesan, but I prefer this. I like pop tarts without frosting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. What's your favorite Pop-Tart flavor? Strawberry. Right. And then cinnamon. Ew, cinnamon's not even a real thing. That's disgusting. How's that not real? I don't consider it to be a flavor to you. Cinnamon's like, it's nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're mammals, they're nice, they're nice to humans, but turtles don't really, they're kind of indifferent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, I feel like turtles are the cats of the sea. Yeah. They're not really likable. No. They're not, they don't love you, they don't care about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well if it means I can't have a straw with my, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's amazing. Tommy, can I please show you my TikTok curations?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like, when old school Tommy, or what's his name, big time Tommy, is like, when you get down, you just gotta get up and try again. OS, baby. That's common knowledge. That's not even...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A tomato mozzarella chicken sandwich from McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Worldwide favorites. Menu. Limited items.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, the ending, the flash where she has no teeth there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boss ass bitch. I like her. I like her too, I actually like her. Yeah. Yep. Do you have any other ones? No, that's it, that's just the one. Aww man, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy fucked up my- when I was- when I turned 17 he ruined my birthday because that's the day that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The chase was happening in LA. I'll never forget. He ruined my... No, it was his 18th birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what, do you think that Corky Kardashian is his daughter? You know how they say that the youngest is, is it the youngest one? The chunky one is his.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now why doesn't he get on Instagram? Because he likes to make videos. That's not it. Yeah, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now do you think if he gets enough of a social media following that he'll be considered an influencer and get, and get work and branding things?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to find some real special TikTok videos for you for next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you feel that? Like, you know when you walk into like Auschwitz, you're like, this is where people thought, did you feel the spirits of guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I'm like reeling from, I can feel, I just, I feel like so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, I feel like I'm in contact with the divine, like this is, this is really from Robert Paul Champagne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean listen, I have met celebrities, we've had celebrities on this couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are gonna die. It's unbelievable. You don't know, you have no idea what's about to happen. And the trailer alone, I watched about 20 times. I'm not exaggerating because it's just that good. And the interview is gonna blow your mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He talks about getting, how he started drinking piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you really want to sit through 10 whole minutes of an intro song? Think about the reality. I think they like the joke, the reality. It's kind of long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many songs are 10 minutes, like Pink Floyd songs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And did you have a religious upbringing? You're from the south, yeaah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, but the, the, I mean, yes you have the length and the back, but then the decision to go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Short on the sides. I mean that is a very- First of all, it's a timeless look. Let's not forget, didn't the Aztecs start this look?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you rename the cut? Because traditionally it's known as a mullet. But you're kind of bringing it into the new millennium here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Like I feel like you're kinda putting your own style on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, dude, I fucking rocked one in third grade. Like, we're talking 1984. I had a sweet mullet. I'm gonna bring a picture in. Uhm, it was kinda rad, cause it was easy to care for. I would feather the sides, dude. Bam. And then, just easy peasy, man. Did you spike the top up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? Like, I just started listening to Taylor Swift. I'm 43. And I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for years I was like, nope, not, I'm a hardcore angry punker chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I'm a totally different human being in my forties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But before that, you said you, you rolled here, before you came. You, did you wake up funky?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now when your father passed away you were 16 and did your mom date? Like did you have to watch that whole madness?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my cousin Julie had one, remember? And they'd have the lights on there too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. What a horrible job. It has to be though, we were saying that the other day, like, I would never be a cop, dude. You just deal with the scumbags of the earth. Can't do fucking shit to them now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and this doesn't change your opinion of, of him. Like you, you don't, you want to continue the friendship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He liked violence? Did he laugh at violence? Like violent videos and things like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he gave me a doll and some necklaces and he's actually, he's doing well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that though, that's like, cause I'm all about celebrating


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I love people that have Hard Knock stories. Like, we love championing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the underdog. So that's kinda fuckin' dope. And then what's gang gang?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, especially being a comedian, I don't think you can get in to stand up thinking that you have a safety net. You gotta go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aladdin meets Rocky, 100%. But anyway, sorry, go ahead. So, so you're saying that the, the Theogate controversy started around...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, since the 90s, I mean, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We both did road rules a season apart. And I remember coming to Mexico. That's the first time I met you in the nineties. And you, I remember because you had a Chihuahua, a little dog. Do you remember that little doggy you had?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I have to tell you that, cause I, I had heard initially of just Theo Gay, like Theo is, whatever, he's not on the show cause you guys don't like him. And then the doc told me later that we had had an affair. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Partially, no way to not. But I was so honored, part of me was like, wow, like I'm scandalous now. Like I'm, I'm a, I've been with the same guy for a million years. It's exciting to think that I had a tryst at some point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The smoking, this is the one that everybody thinks that Theo and I had an affair. What's this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just have to know what medium you're working. Please don't play my boring interview. Uhm, so is this the first time you've seen that Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'll tell you what happened. Now Theo, you came clean and you said that you felt that we didn't like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, we were last minute put together to co-headline that, that weekend and I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought that you didn't like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I remember like we take turns headlining and I, I was in the green room and I like, I don't know, maybe you were joking, I'm sure you were, but you were like, I don't, I don't like it when women don't act like ladies. Do you remember this conversation? You were like, back where I'm from, girls don't act like you do on stage and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I don't know, maybe, maybe we were, you know, a little drinky drink, I don't know. And so I was like, oh, he doesn't like me. And I think what I was doing there...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I think that's what I was trying to do and also because we were on the same-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. But again, like, I was like, that's weird. Like, I think it was, I don't know. Who the fuck knows? But I just know I was trying to be immature and ridiculous. And that's what happened there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing? Hello? What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bans are free to move out. Michael, stay in place to act as animal care receptacle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ain't gonna play with you, my baby. I'ma put my hand in your kitty cat. Look, in your pants. And I'ma do that, and I'ma smell it. I wanna smell it. You know why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and I see his penis. Oh, sorry. Is that a layer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one video is sort of a classic. Is that from your show? No, I'm just fascinated by that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, Jeans. My name is Ariana with two N's and I'm gonna make Josh cum. I saw on Dr. Drew's podcast that he has two problems, which is boring relationships and eye contact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, here's how I'm gonna figure this out. I'm here to tell you, there are no strings attached, so you don't have to worry about that. And I can do this shit with my eye for a long ass time, so we'll even out the playing field.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm home here now, so you can hit me up, but I just figured out that Instagram has DMs, so give me a minute. Uhm, but hit me up and I'll show you how these tits work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Flappers, May 31st through June 2nd. If you're anywhere near Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, California, come see me. Try it out. Christina P. online for tickets. 23.95 Wagner Apartments. Wagner Projects, apartment 2C.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, I want to, I've announced on the last show, but I am doing the ride or die tour, the second half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, hey, if you're shopping on Amazon, which I hope you are, you may want to use our banner, YourMomsHasPodcast.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, well I'm really excited to hear the longest version we can do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everyone wants that. By the way, so this guy we opened with, big time Tommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy has been sent to me no less than 5 times every 30 seconds on social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, people are like, have you seen this? Like, it's like they know. You mean shrugs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then he smokes a big piece of dog poop. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what Biggie Smalls had too, kinda like, like he sounds like he's chewing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I thought I was being a lame mom because I didn't know it. I'm like, what's OS?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. And I- the shower is an interesting twist. I mean, that is- With the cigar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A prerequisite to a great YMH video, crappy sound, crappy lighting, crappy BG.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does remind me of like, uhm, one of my dad's old Hungarian friends, Dr. Seuss. Doesn't he look like Susi?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. But you're not wearing yours, but when you wear yours, you look like a cool rapper. But when he wears it, I think if you're fat and tan and shirtless and oily and you wear gold, then that makes you a scum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's quite a... Oh my god, his hands are so fat. Look how fat his fingers are. Quite a big gauge on it. Right? Uh huh. Like that's, that's larger than an average...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's a good message. It's all good messages. It's not bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to be with this guy for a week. Just you and him. Like you're on vacation together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about the women, the women are fucking stupid guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give him inspiring things, like I never thought about that, like let's encourage him to be even more inspiring to us. Oh, don't comment on the kids. No, no, no, no, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, can we, can we, before we get into this next segment, because I think it's exciting, can we just discuss the license plate behind me very quickly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to give a shout out to Homeboy, uh, what's his name, Edgar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, who submitted the FGT RTD license plate. Uhm, sorry, do we have his name Blue Band? I apologize, I should have fucking thought of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here he is letting you know, we'll find his name later and I'll give him a shout out proper like, uh, if you want to get your own FGT RTD license plate, here's how we did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For years I had heard, my mom can fart crazy farts, and for years she would not do it in front of me. Like we had to be married, and then it was like a few years after we were married, and then it was like a unicorn, like it was a special thing, like the Haley's Comet of Farts that I happened to catch her doing it one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, we opened up, didn't we open up the website, was it fartmistress.com for your mom to start farting for money?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Ugh, that fart was amaze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was mortified that you caught that. Oh yeah. Yeah, and it does make sense that she would barter with a handbag and a trip to Vegas for that tape. That was amazing. That was amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you rub your b-hole raw with the paper towels being wet? Doesn't it hurt your b-hole?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well let me, let me back that ass up. I'm really, I've discovered a few things as a cool mom. I've discovered TikTok, it's my new jam. And I discovered DMs in Instagram. I didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that people can DM you that are like your primaries or whatever, but I didn't know there was a whole other category that you push on that and then you can see all the DMs. So apologies if you've ever DMed me, but I've never written you back. I've just started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but DMs have been a whole new- and I've been DMing with people who listen to the show over nice polite topics, like my flowers, I posted a story about my flower- our flower bush in the front yard, things of that nature. I made Polachinta yesterday, I showed people that on the stories, and they write that they like my Polachinta, they like my roses, and I answer them, stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I've really been into TikTok. Uhm, it's kind of a unique app in that it attracts a certain kind of user. Uhm. Well, how, what do you mean? Well, I don't know. What kind of user?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I like to hear the, I like to hear what people are listening to and what the dances are. And then there's like this whole other category of user on TikTok that might be considered special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. But I like it and I encourage it and I give people- I follow her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, so you like TikTok now. Do you want me to continue sending you these informational videos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, there's all kinds of cool stuff, uhm, I've discovered. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, my show Danielle, and she wants to make Josh cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And so we made a little, uh, video for Josh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, what was that? What was that? That was a cool guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't play this whole thing though, it's kinda... No, yeah, I-I-I split it up. You just split it up? Okay, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not have a little friendly YMH contest where we ask all the girls out there who want to make Josh cum to make a video one minute or less telling us why you think you're the one who can make Josh cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's so silly, I mean we've been doing this the wrong way, like instead of just throwing Josh out into the world and letting the girls kind of come to him physically, like why not have a contest to see? Contest is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who can make him come, so send us your videos and we'll go through them and find out who the real Scrum Master is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best part, why don't you say is that after having two dogs, two children, a mortgage and adult lives, we're the same old genes.


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[Assistant] It's crazy to think how much we've grown as people and as a couple and we've built this life together and your mom's house is kind of a silly chronicle of a decade of our lives together.


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[Assistant] I know. People ask me that, like, do you think you're gonna be- what do you think your kids are gonna- I'm like, you know what, they already kind of know who we are. I mean, we don't- we don't say- half the shit we say, obviously.


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[Assistant] I don't know. It's exciting. Thank you guys, too. It's been quite right. And yeah, when I meet you guys, and I'm kind of a personality champ, so I like to meet people and talk to fans of the show, I just- Thank you, you know?


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[Assistant] This is so exciting. So what happened was, how we discovered that you were a fan of the show, is on Periscope.


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[Assistant] I mean, the epitome of a fucking star. Like I- we watch your videos and you're like, this guy-


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[Assistant] But then, so the first time you bust nuts with a girl, do you have like this way, cause I went to catholic school and I have to say that


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[Assistant] So I asked you before we started rolling, if you would listen to this Clash podcast on Spotify. I'm fucking obsessed with it. Chuck D narrates it. Check it out if you're a fan of the Clash.


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[Assistant] But I didn't realize the details, the devil of the details until you listen to this clash, the story of the clash and how they got butt fucked by CBS records so fucking hard. So they signed a five record deal.


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[Assistant] Their first record was like lightning in a bottle, CBS comes, you know, and they have to crank out these records and they're not seeing a dime on it for just years and years. Meanwhile, they're touring and they're smashing up venues. So everything costs.


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[Assistant] So is that because of the record business, so how do you guys make your money? Cause it's, it's not on the iTunes, it's touring.


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[Assistant] Let's talk about the next tour.


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[Assistant] Now you know what I like a lot about you? Is that in an era of cynicism, farts at the disco, Blue Band Ray, thank you for your time. High hopes could be...


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[Assistant] But what I was noticing, what I love about you, and I can understand why Taylor Swift and you two would work well together, is that you're both like positive people. Do you know what I mean? Like there's no like- Fuck you.


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[Assistant] So, okay, I have to ask you musical questions. You kind of sometimes remind me of a Morrissey, but like a young, cute, the hair, the look, sometimes even though you're like a little, you know, he's not, he's very morose.


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[Assistant] But when I watch you, I'm like, this guy is a star, bro. That's so kind.


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[Assistant] But you watch like, watch Brendan perform.


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[Assistant] I mean, how do you get there? Like you're level, and I'm not just talking, it's everything. It's your presence. It's that confidence, and it's not arrogance. It's like you're so grounded, and you, it's charming, and you're not a piece of sh- I don't know. You're fucking amazing.


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[Assistant] Presence and that, that confidence. Cause somebody listening now is going, I'd love to be a singer in a band, but I don't have, I don't have the confidence. I don't have the talent. Like what the fuck do you do to get to where you're at?


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[Assistant] It's a skill that you honed early not knowing that that was gonna be a skill for you later.


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[Assistant] I love it. So can I ask, you don't have to get into too much detail if you don't want to. So you mentioned that the band split up the original. What happened? Like is it just living together on buses for years?


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[Assistant] Stuff, so when emo came around, I was like, what? Like, what's that?


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[Assistant] I have a tramp stamp I regret. Do you have a tattoo? Well in the 90s I got a tramp stamp before they were called tramp stamps.


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[Assistant] And I admire about anybody that can do this, is like, her body's n- not what you would call traditionally pretty.


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[Assistant] Busted nuts. It sounds like the best of all possible worlds, actually. Like, you get to do everything. No, you don't think Sarah would be okay with a little...


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[Assistant] Yeah, well I think that's why comedians and musicians are so great together, cause we're all about just putting it all out there and being like, I got these fucking problems. And the person listening who has like a 9 to 5 drop, do they have fucking problems too? Everybody has the same shit going on, but we just put it out there, you know? So it's liberating.


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[Assistant] Uhm, what's the most unglamorous part of your job? Oh my god.


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[Assistant] What's the uncoolest thing you do that your fans would be surprised about?


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[Assistant] So what's your least favorite song? Of ours? In your catalog, yea. That you're just like, oh fuck I don't wanna do this one tonight, I'm gonna fucking blow my brains out. Or I'm just embarrassed, like ugh, I can't believe I wrote that.


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[Assistant] But you don't, so there's no song on your current playlist when you're touring, you're like, ugh, you just kinda get through that one. I mean, imagine being the guy, you know, you have to sing Margaritaville, or whatever fucking, what's his name, Jimmy Buffett, and you're just like,


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[Assistant] Okay, one last. Who's the unlikeliest influence in your music?


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[Assistant] Meaning people will be shocked to know that you are a fan of ba ba ba.


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[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


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[Assistant] Send your momma a headset. My headset's with who? With me!


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[Assistant] Oh, I bet you that got a lot of interest.


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[Assistant] Well, the fact that she's capable of doing that, maybe 5% of the people can do that.


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[Assistant] Her diet decides analysis, okay.


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[Assistant] If, if you're gonna buy, what, what I said, you know, you go into these office buildings and you.


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[Assistant] Well, I have not had, because I usually pretty much do most of my stuff at home now, okay.


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[Assistant] You know, the one thing I've had to deal with, what I've worked every day, between 8 and 8.20, I'd run into the men's room and bombs away, okay?


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[Assistant] Well, you know, I woke up here at midnight and did one.


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[Assistant] Oh yeah, yeah, American Heroes channel is one of my love. Yeah.


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[Assistant] You know, and of course in Vietnam, what we used to do, we carried this.


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[Assistant] What's, uh, what's called an entrenching tool, which is nothing more than a small shovel. And, uh, when we had to go, we would, uh, we'd dig a little hole.


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[Assistant] Alright, Mini Apple Tits, I'm coming for ya. April 4th through 6th. I got my 8 o'clock shows sold out on uh, Friday and Saturday. Thursday tickets are still available as are the late shows, so snatch those up, they're moving really quick. May 10th and 11th, Tempeee! At the Temp on Tempe Improv.


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[Assistant] June 20th or 22nd, Washington Dick Comm at the Dick Comm Improv. Cash me outside, how about that?


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[Assistant] It's your fault you play that fucking song. Tickets are available at Christina P online. Also, if you're new to the show, you have not seen my Netflix specials. I have two stand-up specials, Mother Inferior, My Hour, and a 30 minute special called The Degenerate. It's what I did eight months pregnant.


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[Assistant] It's so crazy. Also, ride or die t-shirts available. That's my tour name, ride or die. Available at uh, TomSicaro's merch page.


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[Assistant] That's right. And I will say, spouse approved.


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[Assistant] I do, and I'll tell you that, uhm, the ladies appreciate it. Or whoever you're with is going to appreciate that a little extra attention.


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[Assistant] Like you guys heard, this was so amazing. This was sent to me in, uh, Tom and I this morning. I'm sorry, forgive, forgive me for the person who sent it.


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[Assistant] It's cameo where you get celebrities to make videos, you pay them a certain amount of money. And this video came in, this is Beverly Mitchell. Remember that show, Seventh Heaven?


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[Assistant] If I was gonna start making- I'd just do it for free for fans. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] You know what's so funny, 7th Heaven, that was like a blatantly Christian value show. It was.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think the father, right? The father was like a priest on the show, right?


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[Assistant] He was my first love, my first crush was Ricky Schroeder. Yeaah. I mean he was well off, good looking.


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[Assistant] I know, I wish you would come on our show, but our show is invitation only.


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[Assistant] Johnny Depp, if you're listening to your mom's house, you're watching us on YouTube, you're invited to come on as a guest. I extend the invitation to you. You're welcome.


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[Assistant] So, I can't tell you something though, I'm a little upset because they only mention Tom. They're like, and Tom Segura's podcast. I'm like, what am I, Chopped Liver? What about Christina P? Two Netflix specials. Hello?


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[Assistant] Chunky in the Gator, you know, like on radio with like the, you know, you're, you're Rick Dees and who am I?


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[Assistant] I fucking know Daniel. I know, I know Nick, uh, Wagner. I thought that's this guy's name.


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[Assistant] That, exactly. Just some fucking dumb bitch in a cool jacket.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you know, I have to give him credit here that he reacted differently than what I would maybe have expected from somebody so attractive and so muscular and so wealthy. I would think that somebody like Hard Rock Nick wouldn't even give the media the time of day. He's busy.


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[Assistant] Uh, I don't know, I think Lance Bassanello, they approached me and I said, uh, no thanks.


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[Assistant] I personally, like I said, if I wanted to do videos for fans, I'd just fuckin' do it for free. I'd give shoutouts to people on their birthdays and-


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[Assistant] It's my adult friend's birthday. Which is crazy to me, like you're an adult. What cares?


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[Assistant] No, my favorite is I get people emailing me.


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[Assistant] Remember, uh, I'm not going to say the club, but, uh, they, what they would,


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[Assistant] I've had it happen several times, yes, but then the owner wants you to plug the blowjob shots.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and people are filing out. Yeah, so that's what they did. Finish with their nachos.


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[Assistant] But I like it when the beard is a little wily, you look homeless and you look dirty. I like, but if you don't understand that was my attraction to you is that you look dirty and gross and homeless. I like it. Don't you get that?


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[Assistant] I've always loved that about you. That you're just a nasty stinky bear. I like it. You're all hairy and stuff. I love your silver whiskers.


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[Assistant] But the good news is your, it grows fast. It does grow fast. So in a week it'll be normal again. He cut the line. He took it up. Here's what's wrong.


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[Assistant] Like your, your beard grows, it's gotta go further down here, on the chin.


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[Assistant] This bottle of piss, or this. This, a hundred times. I'm gonna put this, I think we should square them off. I'm gonna put this to my right. That means a preferable place.


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[Assistant] Well, cause I remember asking after you did Hot Ones, like, how was your brown after? And it was...


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[Assistant] I do at the house, yea, but then I have veneers so I'm always afraid they're gonna chip em or clink.


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[Assistant] Laker girl. Yeah. So, she saw a lot of these, I'm gonna say, I don't know, I don't know, if you're allowed to.


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[Assistant] Okay. Well, that's cool. Yeah, just come in full circle here. Hope you get married.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I believe that. You know when I was in Korea, I would go eat in the malls.


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[Assistant] I don't get diarrhea anymore, you can really train yourself.


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[Assistant] I wish I had smaller boobs, but I could buy that.


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[Assistant] Okay, I got this from a movie. Again, I can't take credit for it. Would you, would you trade five years of your life, you lose five years of your life, to be in perfect shape, to have like a model's body? Yeah.


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[Assistant] But I, you know, when you come to the realization, like I just, you know, in your brain, you always have the hope that one day you'll have a perfect body. You're like, this is the year I'm going to work out and I'm going to look perfect.


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[Assistant] Do you feel like that? This is it? I have two children. This is ravaged. This is gone. Do you feel like it's all downhill from here? Absolutely. I mean, I'm gonna maintain. I do Pilates twice a week and I'm gonna eat well. But like, it's not gonna get great is what I'm saying. Right. I'm never gonna look like a model.


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[Assistant] Sean, do you ever play this game when you're on an airplane and people are filing past you? Uhm, when you see a woman, do you go like, that could be, I, I think I could love her. And then you find something immediately wrong with her. Or like, could that be my spouse? And then you go, no, because she's got like, her hair's parted poorly or her teeth are bad. You're like, uh, three toe rings? The fuck?


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[Assistant] So you seem like a pretty together person. Do your parents support your career?


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[Assistant] What did you study? Wait, I'm gonna guess. Brought you a broadcast.


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[Assistant] The ones that were desperate, like King Ass Ripper, I don't know if you're familiar with his work, he's a gentleman that farts on food and eats the food, he's just a great farter.


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[Assistant] You're so, you know, it was that in the serial killer talk early on, it was a red flag, and I was like, I don't know, there's so many good things about...


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[Assistant] No matter what he does, if he farts, he could shit on my chest, and I would just be like, ear to ear, I would just adore him. Oh come on. I would adore you, but there's nothing you can do besides cheat on me, I would fucking cut your peener off, but other than that.


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[Assistant] But that's great because that's really the- I mean look, Gen Xers, traditionally we were large key kids. And, you know, we created the fucking internet and now you guys are creating cool content on the internet and taking it to the next level. That's so great. I wonder your-


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[Assistant] I knew it, it was her work, I can tell. She's done a bunch of these. By the way, somebody on Twitter posted one and they're like, hey, Christina, is this you on road rules? And it was like a girl in the shower with her tits and I was like, oh my god, is that me? That's what I thought too. It's not.


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[Assistant] Dude, one time I was at the pharmacy getting my prescription felt, and a guy goes, Christina. I go, yeah. He goes, I'm listening to you right now. And he was stocking drinks at the pharmacy.


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[Assistant] Okay, so I've got a fun video for you, uhm, it's for jeans. Good morning, Julia. Are you having fun?


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[Assistant] Chill, baby. Uhm, so, uh, I hope that, hope that's what you wanted. Uhm, and, uh, hope, it sounds like you, your group of friends is super fun. And a little crazy. Got a lot of inside jokes. Uhm, so, sending you lots of love. Thanks, guys.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, and I don't think, even just sketch itself, I can't think of sketch shows.


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[Assistant] It's 92. A gay man in the, in the, when I met the kids in the hall was the 80s? Which we're gonna bring up. In the 90s? Oh my lord, it was, it was a terrible, I mean, I'm, I'm in a weird way, you know that Arab saying, uh, may you be born in interesting times. I got cursed by that. That's a curse and a blessing. And I was born into a basically,


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[Assistant] A war, I was born into like the HIV war and a plague and so I came out and within a year of me coming out and it took me a long time to come out which probably saved my life.


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[Assistant] Everyone's dying. So when I was with the kids in the hall, it was very much like there's nothing, I might not, I actually, I probably won't make it.


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[Assistant] Everyone knew I was openly gay in comedy. I was the only person and it was a freak show. People were just, it didn't make any sense. It couldn't.


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[Assistant] So, I think that's what they really respected. Sure. Uhm, and I, they, they were punks at heart. We're punks at heart. So they knew that what we were doing was completely against the status quo. So that, in that way they were absolutely abhorred.


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[Assistant] They knew that I was kind of like a secret weapon, like a bomb. Right. And uhm, so that thrilled them. And that really pushed them into exploring their own sexuality and being women and- and- Yeah, you guys- Oh, that's cool. You guys were owning that. We did, yes. Like Francesca. Yeah, and it allowed them to access their feminine side. Sure. Cause they're like going-


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[Assistant] So I had to learn how to be like a man. Like, you don't have to nowadays. So it's a very different world. And in comedy, but I did know, I was savvy enough to know that what I was doing was new. And that thrilled me. I thought, no matter what happens, even if I'm not that good, I know I'll be first.


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[Assistant] Uh, was, was a bomb for the pain. Do you know what I mean? A B-A-L-M bomb. It was definitely, it made it easier, you know, to, to know that, well, I'm first, and I know that that's not easy, but I learned that, you know, I thought there'd be more money in being first.


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[Assistant] Well, I'm not going to say much about that, but, cause that's not, it would be very un-Canadian for me to agree with you.


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[Assistant] You can to me, I don't care. I do. And I know that it makes people blanch. It makes them blanch.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And now I look at it and I go, is it time for me to jettison it? And I, I don't know if I really can, personally.


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[Assistant] It is, it's the word that, it didn't define me, but it's, I heard it. Listen, this is an interesting story. My niece, who's a very, uh, very progressive little girl, she's like 12 years old, she goes to like a really nice school, like a Montessori kind of a school, very, very wonderful parents who try to protect her from the world and blah, blah, blah.


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[Assistant] Anyways, recently, I don't know, I was telling a little story and in the story I said faggot and she just about collapsed.


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[Assistant] Yes, absolutely. I really do believe that every generation thinks they fixed it, but they haven't. They're just doing it wrong in a different way. And I think that the new overprotection is in many ways the new abuse.


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[Assistant] I think it is abuse actually. Leave him alone, let him figure it out. You know, I think we've gone a little mad.


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[Assistant] I really do think we've gone a little mad.


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[Assistant] I think you have the, the, the lax parenting of today, which has made children think that they, everything they utter or think is phenomenal and must be heard. That's dangerous. Super dangerous. And I also think that this is a, this is one of my


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[Assistant] This might be a controversial idea. I think the loss of so many gay men


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[Assistant] Really hurt the gay and lesbian. Well, I can't even say LGBT because it makes me ill to say it.


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[Assistant] Reaction from society towards the HIV epidemic. That this, we've taken it in kind of subconsciously, almost neurally.


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[Assistant] Uhm, we've desexed everything. And I think it's also what's driving the new Puritanism. You know, I mean, there's many things driving the new Puritanism, the Me Too movement, and this sort of thing. They're all, and they're all, they all, like, like, like, they all are, have good intentions, but as we all know,


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[Assistant] I mean, I don't think, I know that people really have no concept of how terrible it was.


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[Assistant] I think there's, I think the gay community wants to, wants to kind of move past it. They're, they're, they're afraid to confront it. It's too painful. So many of my generation are lost. And, and the ones that have survived are mad as hatters.


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[Assistant] I think we have, I think we, I've realized at my age now that most men in my generation have PTSD and really have not recovered.


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[Assistant] It was like a war zone. It was a war embedded, you were like in a war that was embedded into a society at peace.


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[Assistant] And people would come in and out of that from the outside, they'd come in and see our world and they'd be like freaked out. And I really believe that we do not want to confront it, uh, because we've made so much progress. And I think straight people don't want to confront it because they don't want to see how badly they behave.


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[Assistant] And I think that we're also living in a very, I call this the punishment era. And I can understand straight people being afraid.


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[Assistant] I can understand white people being afraid of being, we're in a world where white people are, can't do anything right, straight people can't do anything right, men can't do anything right, straight white guy like this, this bearded anachronism I'm staring at over


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[Assistant] This, this giant male desk is, you know, no one wants to hear about it. And I'm, I feel like I've got, I've got empathy. So I'm very attuned to bullying. And so when I don't care who does it or what your excuse for it is, I don't like it.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but that's where I think we're at right now. And the AIDS epidemic, I think we have to, we have to confront what happened.


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[Assistant] Sometimes, every single day of my life. You did, yeaah.


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[Assistant] So I'm a young man who grew up thinking that I was garbage and then when I finally had the courage to go, well maybe I'm not garbage, I come out into a world where it seems to be saying, yes, you are garbage.


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[Assistant] So it's very, and I don't think I'll ever get over it. I don't think I'll ever be fully whole.


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[Assistant] It's okay. I mean, I accept it. I accept the world that I lived in. You know, sometimes it hurts, it upsets me. But I go, well, you know, at least I did the right thing. Like at least I was out there. Like I was a warrior, I went, okay.


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[Assistant] They have no, no, the gay community has completely written me out of history.


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[Assistant] Because I'm, I'm too painful of a reminder.


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[Assistant] No, I have no, I have, my audiences are usually straight people. I've never, I don't even like to talk about this because it makes me upset and it makes me, it kind of opens my bitter boxes. I love it, let's go there.


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[Assistant] I'm trying very, uh, I'm trying very hard to let go of all of it.


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[Assistant] Cause I know it won't help me. As a comedian, you have to have maybe a certain amount of anger, but when it curdles, you've got to let go of that. You can, it'll curdle you.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and it took me a very long time to understand why it happened, why I was not talked about, why no one paid me any attention.


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[Assistant] And I just think gay men really, really hate themselves. And I think this new generation is gonna be a vastly, vastly different generation. It is, for sure. Yes, and I mean, and I'm, I'm very happy for them, but I'll be honest, I'm also intensely jealous.


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[Assistant] And what makes my jealousy so toxic is that no one knows that I was


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[Assistant] That broke my heart. It broke my heart. It absolutely broke my heart.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, when I was coming of age, when I was, we were in the kids in the hall society, it was very much.


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[Assistant] People think, people, you guys have a kind of a, you see Canada through rose colored glass. Yea, we do.


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[Assistant] Basically human beings, and I think of Canada. Look, this country is a straight male. Straight white male. Right? Canada is a lesbian.


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[Assistant] Cause I still like men and I love them, the more toxic the better.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I love, I love complicated men, I love machos, I love men. Did you ever? Yeaah, I love men, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Always. Or that bathmat in, uhm, Big Mouth probably has a- Have you ever watched Big Mouth? No. God, it's funny. It's hilarious. The one kid's always fucking his bathmat. Or a pillow or something. It's just this semen soaked pillow.


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[Assistant] Well here's the thing, you can, for a man like me that has been denied cum for his entire sexual, uhm, life,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Uhm, so I mean, I didn't, I, I, I never, it's only very recently that I know that I can take it in me. And even though I'm not like, I mean, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I still can't, psychologically. I don't like to, I don't like the taste. No, I can't.


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[Assistant] I'm traumatized. And like, you know, I don't think I could hold hands with a man in public still. Really? No.


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[Assistant] I know that's a sad thing to admit. And I am sad to even say it. Even saying it makes me feel like, wow, that's tragic. But I don't know if I could. And I know that people say, oh, everyone's on PrEP and you can't get AIDS that way. I'm going, well, I just, you can't, I can't get over it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The mail. And the game. I do a routine about this. And I'm gonna be very blunt about this. This is stuff I've written. But I'm not like, I'm not gonna pretend I just came up with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like I always tell straight men, you know, like, think of the ass as the moon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Think of gay men as the Americans. Yes, we may have been the first there. But it belongs to everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so for a man, gay or straight, to deny himself the pleasure of a clitoris embedded inside of his anus is just an example of deep homophobia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He could take care of things too, like all I'm saying is, you know, he could give himself a little douche to make sure things are clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm gonna, I'll do it. Okay. You can direct because we need more women directors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I do. Tom's a very attractive man. I know, he's cute. You're both, you're a very attractive couple. Thank you. You really are. I appreciate that. You're very hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There we go. But I'm not afraid of gays. That says it. But no, but you are. I'm afraid of gay man sex. But without gay sex, there are no gays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I know, but you're kind of denying him sexual agency.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, here's the thing, I was such a dirty boy, that's like, I did that before I even sucked cock. Can you believe it? Are you serious? Whoa, really? My friends used to call me the Rimsus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was deeply ashamed. That was ashamed. And now I look at him in the world and I go, oh, apparently I was way ahead of the curve. Yes. You know.


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[Assistant] I really was. Cause my belief with sex is I'm just like, when I finally decide to come out, I'm like, well, even just being a garden variety cocksucker, I'm still a criminal. I'm still a monster. See, I might as well go for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a gay man, if you don't explore, I do another thing in my show where I talk about threesims and this young gay guy tells me that he never had a threesim and I don't even know where to look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, this is the thing, I don't want you to make you feel too bad. Uhm, my first threesome probably, I was certainly under 30, 27, 26, but I didn't come out until I was 24. I had a threesome before TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, absolutely. And here's the thing I say to this, this young gay guy, I was like, you never had a threesome? I hope you don't have any, do you have any straight male friends? He's like, yeah. I go, well, don't tell them that. Cause that's just like rubbing salt in the wound. Can you imagine hearing from a guy that you can have threesomes whenever you want and you don't?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yet, straight people really had- your chances of getting worse were soo- Yeah, but I was dating dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are my type. That's the reason. Blue eyes, bearded. The blue eyes I can do without. Really? The bearded.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, uh, no, I really believe, because I have another theory about anal sex. I believe that it's actually, uhm, one of the reasons that gay men have been so persecuted across the planet for thousands of years. And I think it's actually the original sin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe that the, uhm, that in the, in the story of the Garden of Eden, that when they talk about, uhm, the apple, they're referring to Eve's anus. Because if you think about what the apple would have been like back then, it wouldn't have been like an apple today. It wouldn't have been cultivated. It would have been like a little crab apple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my thing is, Adam was like, they were like, you know, walking around naked. He was at the, uh, the river and she was bent over. And he's, she bent over and her little, you know, her little bum opened up a little bit. And he looked and he went, baaah! And his snake, his penis, went, you know, hard. And he fucked her in the ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're, and they're like, this is phenomenal. And we don't get pregnant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which they didn't even really know about, but I think what it did was, it took God out of the equation, and God realized, oh, these fuckers have found a way around my prohibition against sex. They found the loophole. And therefore, he wanted to get the power back over Adam and Eve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so that's why I think the male homosexual has been the most persecuted creature on the planet. Wow. In every racial, ethnic subgroup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were, they were butt fucking, but they had a very different way of butt fucking. Really? It wasn't like, you couldn't be an open homosexual and live as a gay man. The way the Greeks and the Romans did male homosexuality was, it would be an older man and a younger man, and it was considered to be a kind of a relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would last for a certain amount of time until the boy kind of came of age.


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[Assistant] These are very different times. We can't judge them from our times today, even though that's what everybody wants to do. And then the boy was expected to move on from that to a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love a weary man. Weary. Wait, her favorite. Yeah, that's this guy. Scumbag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, here's the thing, when I was young, if I was a young gay man today, I'd probably be, I would have gone right into stand-up comedy. I wanted to be a stand-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I would have loved to have been a stand- I became a stand-up the last 15 years. I decided to really concentrate on it and to get good at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I love it. But back then, I would have, in fact, in the mid-80s, when I was meeting the kids in the hall, like 85, 86,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started doing stand-up, but it was so awful. Like the atmosphere from the other comedians from the audience was so terrible. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. And so I created Buddy Cole, I think in a way. That's what I'm trying to get at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that I think Buddy Call was in many ways, he's a character, but he was also my stand-up voice. In a time when I couldn't be that kind of a stand-up.


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[Assistant] Uh, who died very, very quickly. He was taken.


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[Assistant] I, I met him, we had a, an affair, and I'll never forget it, uhm, and he was a very effeminate man, and I was, and he was really effeminate, effeminate, and I found him attractive, and I was like, wow, I don't usually like guys like that, but he, he, his femininity was like weaponized, like he was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An alpha queen is what I would say. Oh, right. Wonderful. And so I just found him incredibly attractive. And then I'll never forget it because he died so quickly.


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[Assistant] I'm not going to say his name, but he died very, very quickly and I actually remember the night we were together and I really look back on it and I think it was the night that he


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Transitioned or transformed when I could, he was, he had a fever and you know what I mean, we didn't have sex or anything and he was just a mess and he was quite promiscuous and I really believe looking back on it that that was the night that the virus took him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I look at it, I'm so lucky, I was so close to the fire so many times, but I was one of those gay guys that I started having safe sex immediately. Really? I, I was like, I'm going to survive this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so even if I have to wear a con for the rest of my life, I will. But I start after he died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, and he, he dumped me in a very ugly way, uh, and then he died. And then he died. I mean, I literally knew him for less than a year. You know, he, he, he just blazed and then he died. So many of them did. And, uh, I started imitating him with my friend Paul Bellini, because Paul Bellini had a video camera at the very beginning of the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Home video revolution. And I just started imitating that voice. And uhm, and that was where he was born.


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[Assistant] Oh, he was shocking. Oh, people were furious at him. Straight people were just shocked by him. And gay people hated him because they felt that I was doing a stereotype.


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[Assistant] He really is, he doesn't care, he does not care about what, which way the wind is blowing, right, in his time. All he cares about is the truth.


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[Assistant] And he knows, he's quite often, he's quite often spitting into the wind. And that's where I'm at today, actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've taken, yeaah, the last year and a half I've started developing a brand new Buddy Cole show and it's been going fantastic. That's great. It feels like he's needed a game.