[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, uhm, maybe the Vegas Comedy Festival.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm trying to think the first time. Yeah. Or maybe it was like Montreal, Tesla laughs or something like that. But I do know we did that Vegas festival together. Yeah. To spearmint rhino. I can't do Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The spirit rhino thing, it was, it got sad pretty fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did Something's Burning and we talked about it again and uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's just like, you know, looking sexy. And then the minute she goes over his shoulder and he can't see her anymore, she's like, dead face. And it was like, ooh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's not the saddest thing I've ever seen, but it was just sort of like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been to one male strip club, it was for a bachelorette party. How was it? And when we first got there, I have like germaphobic tendencies, I'm not crazy about it, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was touring, I'm the person who brings like Lysol, a little pack of Lysol. I just like wipe things down. Okay. When I get to my hotel room. So it's nothing crazy, but I just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but we went to this maelstrom club, I forget what it was called, something, gardens, Olympic gardens, in Vegas, and when we first got there, I was just like, eh, cause the guys are like shaved, and you can feel a little stubble, and they're like glittered up, and it's like, this feels weird, and you know, they don't, it's, I think it's what you said, I know they don't actually want me, you know what I mean, but they're, it's just so fake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I mean, because he like picked me up. Like the lap dance isn't just him on me. It involved like picking me up and moving me acrobatically. Yeah, so you're like, oh my God. Cirque du Soleil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I've had that on the, like, micro level. It was like, college spring break, we went on a cruise, which, ugh. I don't know why I agree to that. But there was, I was single at the time, and there was another guy who I thought was single.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was just like spending the whole week with me. And it was like, it did feel...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It felt like he was like kind of into me. And then last day we're in Mexico and we go into this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it didn't feel good, but also I was like, I was definitely, my self esteem was way lower. I was just chubbier and I was just like, of course he wouldn't want me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do have some people crawling back. Do you? Yea, just like, yea, all of a sudden interested. I'm like, you truly never gave me the time of day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, I'm so sorry, I'm busy with the anxiety and diarrhea, but uhm, no, I don't want to sit down and talk to you about your life before I have to talk to a group of people for an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it now. I think I've just gotten more...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I just talked for an hour. Of course. What more would I say? You literally know everything about me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you have to just like listen to movie quotes and things they think are funny and stories that happen to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, the Krusty the Clown here, it's like, did he do it for the video?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the wrong people are procreating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I also feel like they stung him really all over. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It's like it's got his lips. Maybe it was a whole reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to what we said before that we started recording. Yes. Yeah. I'm trying to like not hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That does, it honestly does make me feel better. I know that like, starting over anything sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think too, like we said, I've just been being like too precious. Like what do I want to talk about? It's like when back in the day, it would just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about something that haven't, like, maybe I'd make a whole bit about the guy who was like, I forgive you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I think I've just been, like I said, it's just like I've been too precious about it. Like, well what is it, what are you saying? Is that a good enough joke? It's not really a joke, it's just a story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you have, like, obviously you've worked hard for your fans or, you know, like some things are, it's like drops in a bucket, but the people who like what you do, it's not going to be everybody. Or sometimes you put out a special that blows up like you and it's like a huge, whatever, pour of fans into your bucket. Sorry for this analogy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you do get to that point, there is a sort of freedom in that you can kinda say anything and they'll love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but even as like a young comic with LA comics dropping in when I first started out here, you're just like, oh no. Like, it does become a cautionary tale. You can't get on stage and talk about, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you learn over time too, I mean like sometimes you make whatever, you just like go about life and you see other people doing things and you can learn from them too where like, you know, what you're posting goes on the internet. You know, and I think sometimes you just, it's just a good reminder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you learn it yourself and then by watching. You're just like, I shouldn't be seeing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's true, it's like, you've adapted, right? But you can choose not to adapt and then, like, even for example, with this special, it came out, I worked hard on it, I'm proud of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not how I came up to always have photos be taken of me at shows I'm on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, have to post my stand up on social media, like clips, the whole subtitling them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but if you don't adapt, but it works is the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we did one where my mom and Diane and I, uhm, I just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought if I'm gonna start a podcast, it feels like pretty late. This was like a couple years ago. And it should just be like different. So I asked mom if she wanted to do it and she was like, what's a podcast? And she was like, sure. So it's just me and my mom calling my friend's mom. So we would call your mom and talk to her. Oh that'd be great. We talked to Gigi, Burt's mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tim, I like it because it's like, I love moms and it's fun talking to their moms, finding out what they were like as kids, getting their perspective. The podcast sort of changed into like, talking to the mom more than learning about the kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Hannibal was sort of like. And Hannibal. He would sometimes go to New York, but he was like the closer to my, like he was doing really well when I first came there. Like he was already the one who was like, Oh my gosh, somebody could make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is really, really funny. Speaking of like, when you can see the turn happening, when I first got out here, like 10 years ago, I remember seeing him at Meltdown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he really just said a sentence and the crowd lost it. And I was like, it didn't make me mad. I wasn't like, oh, come on. I was like, this is so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it is funny how he says it. You can watch him say anything and it would be funny. But yeah, he just said, I rented a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's true. And that's changed over time. Like I said, I was like, I look back at some of those videos. I'm like cringing, like pick it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and eww, just bark. Yeah, it's bad, it's hard to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many layers to that song. There's incest, there's legal issues, uh, there's gay rights, there's so many things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would like that. Look at that smoldering. Yeah. Oh my goodness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna dig in your booty. Let me put my tongue in your ass. Let me put my tongue in your ass, girl. I'll be like, yeah. Put your tongue in my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got friends that wanna eat ya. You could see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What day, uh, where should I start? In Oklahoma? Oklahoma City?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, September 23rd through 25th, I'm in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. And then Indian Appletits, October 6th and 7th. And then I go to Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Books, October 21st through 23rd. I love that club. And then Raleigh, North Carolina, November 4th through 6th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not November, December. December 9th through 11th and then, um, Orlando, December 16th through 18th. praseniponline.com for those tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, you really have been... I feel like it was Ed Asner for you, and then now it's Uncle Shine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then again, is he a cool guy because he never harassed anybody? No, he's not a cool guy. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it has? It has the same innocence and openness that the Four Strokes guy does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where he's just happy to tell you what's happening. He's just, he's just reporting the weather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no, like, agenda, he's just like, listen, I'm so stoked right now, like, I came in four strokes, my brother didn't believe me, and then he came. Yep. And then, there's something sincere about Ed Asner's too, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, no, this is just where it spits, like it's so matter of fact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, so many thoughts going through my head right now. Like number one, he's wearing a shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the guy in ICP tattooed makeup was blowing their minds. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and just can I say for the record, I think probably a top five YMH moment for me to be watching my favorite TikToker, uh, the ICP tattoo face guy with Shaggy from the ICP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, what was I gonna say? Oh, and I like that he also wishes us a good day. You have a good day, you have a good night. He's always polite with that. You gotta make sure people are having a good day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so this might be like the communist in me, but nothing, it like really just, it just irritates me when you answer the phone like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to ask how you're doing. You're not even going to answer me and give me an update. You're not going to answer. Why do Americans do this? It's so dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, not that I'm not American, but I do feel like it's definitely not an Eastern blocker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I don't even answer sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, exactly, like don't ask me, you don't really wanna know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, how are you today? Fine, how are you? It's like an extra 30 seconds that I don't want to waste. Just do the thing, let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy, always. So much to get into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and I was just so, I was so, uhm, enthralled with these two. I didn't even acknowledge, you know, like they didn't even register. Yeah. Cause I was just listening to him and they're, they're both so sweet and real. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah. He says, you know what I'm saying at the start. Hold on, hold on. I'm memorizing it cause I'm so enthralled. It goes yeaah. Hell yeaah. You know what I'm saying? Yeaah. Cause he says nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, we were listening to Snoop and Dre on the way in, and I, listen, the height of my Gothdom,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I memorized that song because it was so, look, no matter who you were, you loved gin and juice. If you're on the west coast, I don't know if everywhere else, it was the same phenomenon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had dinner with Danny Brown a while ago, and I was like, Danny, have you heard my rap song? And he was like, uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. But our staff went. Oh, they did. And listen, I got a full report from Nadav. Nadav is out sick today. But listen, I got a full report.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, uh, I got some intel on Zolo. As we all know, the eaters in this crew are amazing. Okay, we have some outstanding eaters and he's really good with in and out. He can wolf down, what is it, like four or five burgers in one sitting. Nadav and his baby Lofa, he took that home and he in a Febreze bag and ate that. That was like a five pounder. We've been sleeping on Zolo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because Josh Zolo is, is the youngest of us all. What are you, 21? And you're the mightiest eater. He can go hard anytime, anyplace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, Nadav gave me a full report and any that at this event that Burt was being honored at, he's like, uh, basically there wasn't a slider that Zolo refused. Like the sliders would come around, those cheeseburger sliders, and he would house four at one time. And then pizza, house, house, house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what do you normally eat? Cause when you're around us, we get rounded, well rounded meals generally sent to the office. What are you eating for dinner? Like tonight, you'll go home. What do you, what do you get? Are you stopping at Taco Bell? Are you cooking? What's your meal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the meat has to be fresh, and the bun has to be fresh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, but now, shout out to Tejas, their barbecue, I think, is the best in the fucking nation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same. I agree, Tom. Wow. Now that is gonna, that is gonna blow some minds open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do I. Now, I don't really like a dry rub. Isn't that what Kansas City is known for? The dry rub? I don't remember. Or St. Louis tits?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's okay, but I'm telling you, in Tejas, you order brisket, which is not my favorite. It's not, brisket is usually dry pussy meat, but they make it so juicy. Yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, Rudy's, get that shit, get your life. Like, in Austin, that shit is so tight, dude. And the sides, if you can get some good sides. Now that's a problem with a lot of barbecue in Tejas and everywhere, I'd say. If the sides are shit,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything else is shit. Like why don't they focus on their sides? You can't just give me a slice of white bread and call that a side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I want macaroni and cheese, I want green beans. You can get all that. I want some kick-ass slaw. Yeah, but they're not always superior. They don't always focus on the sides. Yeah. And that fucks up the whole game. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you so young in beer aisle that like you can eat crap, like you can get ripped beer and then go eat Taco Bell at 2 in the morning and it doesn't even phase you, like you just go to sleep, you wake up fine? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you need carbs when your stomach's sour like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, in retrospect, those six weeks where I had to scoot scoot were fucking so sad. Like not being able to walk for six weeks was just so depressing. By the fourth week I was really depressed, I didn't really care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But not being able to walk is, ugh, I'm over it. But I'm getting back, I'm rehabbing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know that companies around the world produce 2 billion pounds of new plastic every day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no matter how much we put in our recycling bin, just 9% of plastic actually gets recycled. At Grove Collaborative, they believe it's time to stop making single use


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plastic. Grove is the online marketplace that delivers healthy home beauty and personal care products directly to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always get stuff delivered to the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We love their laundry detergent because you use just a little and it goes such a long way and you know that you're helping the environment and not creating more waste.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Choosing products that are better for you and the planet has never been easier. For a limited time when my listeners go to grove.com slash mom, you will get to choose a free starter set with your first order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to grove.com slash mom to get your exclusive offer. That's grove.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, some website to celebrate the birth of your baby, share pictures, your marriage, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have analytics that help you grow in real time, built in search and engine optimization, free and secure hosting, and there's nothing to patch or upgrade ever. 24 seven award winning customer support. Go to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lunchtime discussions and on where my mom's at as well. I love to get personal with the Booth Boys. I like to get to know their lives, what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Chris Larson's been the focus here and there on where my mom's at too. He's been living with a rat and the rat has since disappeared. So now that storyline has come and gone. And really I love Chris. I think he's just such a sensational guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such a good employee, beautiful hair, great jacket, and also cooks for himself, takes good care of himself. He's a high quality human and he's arguably the most normal, emotionally balanced of all of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, Nadav, cause they're on the social media, you know, they, uh, at least for sure Nadav is dating on there. To help Chris find a lady. So the boys have been pressuring him to make social media posts at least once a month. Cause he's, what's his, uh, what's your Instagram, Chris?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so you'll see, like, I've encouraged it. You can see I put a million applause there. Like, I'm really all for Chris getting on socials. He needs to get laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Chris, let's go through this because I think you're a high quality individual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you looking for? How can we help you find this woman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To Austin. So maybe an Austin-based, Austin-based ladies. It's not too far off into the, you know, future here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Austin-based or in the Austin area, how far outside, like, how many miles are you willing to travel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like who, what are you looking for? What kind of a lady excites you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like the girl who is, is, is like, well I wake up at 6am and then I, I jog around the green belt and then I go and then I, I feed orphans in the park and then I go and I do this activity and then like that's probably not the girl for you. You, you are active.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you've told me, cause I was like, Chris, you're definitely gonna be one of these shirtless jogger guys. And you're like, oh, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gonna be a kayaker. So you, you believe in like moderate...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some guys like hungry tits and a big ass. Like, you know, some guys are butt guys, some guys are tit guys, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, blondes, brunettes, what are we into? What's the color of the hair? What do you, what makes your dick hard, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He needs those dick touches. Everybody needs dick and dick and V touches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People do. Josh, have you sent your D out into the world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, opinions on stuff. He agreed. We see eye to eye on a lot of stuff. And my opinions are very old school, I will admit. Yeah. On certain things. And he's like, yep. Separate neighborhoods. Separate drinking fountains. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well that's all I hear is that it's Dick City out there in the world. You know what's so funny about Zane is that we'll be talking crazy shit during lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And his head is just down and into the phone. He's like, nope. Like Zayn is just not happy. I'm just taking everything in. Is it that you're overwhelmed or you're just like, I don't even want to get in. These people are out of their minds. Like what's going, what's happening to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're on the phone with your fucking boss, you dick!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I love more than anything is you can fuck right off. That is so Canadian. Fuck right off. God, I love that. I'm gonna start saying that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, and so is he. He just called an officer a faggot and then, what is he, flipping the bird aggressively. Man. Would you imagine doing that to an LAPD cat? At least he has some self-awareness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too. I mean, my stepdad would pick fights with other people, civilians, but never a cop. Like he even knew, uh, you don't fuck with cops, bro. Like you avoid police at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All's like dead, you can fuck right off, okay? All's like dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, something tells me he's taking it out on the wrong person. I mean, there's some dad issues, authority issues. Can you imagine though, being a cop and having to deal with these fucking wankers all day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really bad. I know nothing about the legal system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's still pretty incredible. That kid's in a wheelchair!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That kid should not be skating anymore. I think once you've already lost your legs, you should stop. Stop while you're ahead, dude. You just lost your arms. And your neck. You're lucky you have a neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he jo- he landed on the concrete or the grass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How is he okay? That's just different, different strokes for different, I mean that's how some people, you know, break their necks, some people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I will say, I read in a book a long time ago, if you're gonna jump out of a window, always jump out and down. Don't just fall out, cause you'll go back into the building. Why would you go back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to push yourself out and then, so you'll go out and down. You may just fall in towards the building. Ah, it's true. I read it in a survival book many years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going online without ExpressVPN is like using your smartphone without a protective case. Oh no. Most of the time you'll probably be fine, but all it takes is one accidental drop into, uh, you know, solid concrete or water to make you wish you had protected yourself


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time you connect to an unencrypted network in cafes, hotels, airports, et cetera, your online data is not secured.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All your passwords, all your financial details, all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So why not just use ExpressVPN? It's so easy. Uh, you just fire up the app and you click one button and all of a sudden you are protected. It works on all your devices, your phones, your laptops, your tablets and more. So you can stay secure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the go. It is so easy to use. I use it myself to, uh, to watch Netflix in the UK because I'm a big fan of, uh, you know, historical dramas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Secure your online data today by visiting expressvpn.com slash your mom. That's e-x-p-r-e-s-s-vpn.com slash your mom. And you can get an extra three months free expressvpn.com slash your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, jeans. Summer's coming to an end and the leaves are about to fall. While Mother Nature does her thing to prepare for the new season, you could do yours by seeing how much you could save on home and auto insurance. Policy Genius makes it easy to compare home and auto insurance in one place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can help you find home and auto coverage similar to what you have now, but at a lower price, they saved customers an average of $1,250 per year over what they were paying for home and auto insurance. They've saved new customers an average of $435 per year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On auto insurance and they've saved you customers an average of $350 per year on home insurance. Come on, try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Head to policygenius.com to get started right now. Policygenius team can help you look for ways to save more, including bundling your home and auto policies. Head to policygenius.com to get started right now. Policygenius. When it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on the pamphlet. It's in all the tourist brochures. You see those buses, they drive by and they're like, this is the famous Renaissance Hotel where the Cincinnati Fort happened. Christina P was five months pregnant with her first son, Ellis, and ate from a buffet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well also I want, I would like to, Yana, take credit, get some credit. We were ordering rim service and I, we ordered the grilled artichokes and I asked if you dared me to say the grilled fartichokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I did, and she didn't even, didn't even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, but people don't admit to being ignorant. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So maybe they're not hearing properly and they don't want to ask what? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so Eric Lendi, shout out to Eric Hololed Comics, Instagram, he does the weekly posters on my feed. Anyway, uh, we worked with a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was showing him a piece of art that he had made for some graphic or whatever. And he goes, so, you know, you're gonna, his name is Bill, this guy. He goes, so Bill, you're gonna look and, and uhm, you're gonna look at the diminutive space in this. And this is the diminutive space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's clearly not, it's not a word. And then Bill later on in a meeting was like, and see you've got the diminutive space here. Like he fucking said it. It was epic. Like Eric and I have talked about this for 15 years. No, that's the thing is that.


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[Assistant] Because, like, remember the first time you heard the word impactful? You were kinda like, that doesn't sound like a word. No, I got it.


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[Assistant] Okay, impactful originally, it's a corporate word.


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[Assistant] Some critics reject Impactful as an illogical, unnecessary, and clumsy piece of jargon.


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[Assistant] Yes, impactful is a word, but it's likely to annoy at least one of your readers. There you go. If you want to substitute the word for impactful, use a synonym such as influential, powerful, or effective.


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[Assistant] It's redundant. To me, it sounds redundant. It sounds like, okay, if something has an impact, you say, well that, that had a huge impact.


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[Assistant] It's a corporate, it's one of these bullshit corporate words that fucking, they made up and then now you think it's a real word. That shit just came out.


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[Assistant] It's not true. It came later than that. You gotta look at different articles. But you're not reading the articles I'm reading. It's a conspiracy. I'm telling you right now, homie.


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[Assistant] I didn't, I tell you, I read a lot of books when I was in college. The word impactful never happened. It's not a real word. It's a corporate dog shit word.


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[Assistant] It's not a word guys, it's, it's, it's a, I hate it. It's like circle back, put a pin in it.


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[Assistant] Guys, go ahead and email yourmomspodcast.gmail.com if you think impactful is not a real word like me. And let's, let's, let's hear what the listeners have to say.


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[Assistant] Do you realize how stupid they all think you are? I know what you're gonna say.


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[Assistant] Yes, it's true. I read it in like the New Yorker like a fucking decade ago. There are articles written about how the word just came to be. It's not, it's not a real word. Alright. It's not fucking Webster's. It is now because everybody started using it.


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[Assistant] It just doesn't sound like a good word. I don't enjoy the sound. It sounds like- That's a great descriptor though.


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[Assistant] I like that you're upset that I don't like the word impactful.


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[Assistant] If you do your research you'll notice there's an article written, I remember I read it.


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[Assistant] You're gonna find this conspiracy article. You just, you haven't read the right articles, Tom. This is what we're talking about. You just haven't read the right literature. Let me educate you on the literature.


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[Assistant] Well, okay, then let's look at it. I'd say that 60 years is still not a new word.


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[Assistant] Hating a word doesn't make it less real. Which means that people hate it. Scroll up. So let's look at the history. Maybe it'll have a genealogy. Can you please? I can't.


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[Assistant] Mark Lieberman pointed out in language log the word was first used in 1950s, 60s in context dealing with political theory, literary criticism and clinical psychology before


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[Assistant] Finds it most in sports writing, but also in writing. Okay, blah blah blah. Another complaint. Levied. I'm right.


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[Assistant] Potato, potato. Basically he's saying, you may not like the way it sounds, but it's a commonly used word and therefore is a word. That is his argument. It doesn't necessarily-


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[Assistant] Let's fight with impactful then. I think it's an illogical, stupid, it's redundant.


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[Assistant] Impact. Full. You've already said what the fuck it is. What is m- Fuller? M- More fuller impact?


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[Assistant] Alright, I'm ready to move on with this. I'm so- Jesus, we all-


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[Assistant] Right? I mean, my god. Bring up some fart videos or something. Get me out of here.


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[Assistant] His eyes are very open wide.


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[Assistant] I liked it. I wish you would sing to me in Espanol. Can you sing to me?


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[Assistant] This morning as I woke up I felt a nice touch. You actually touched my shoulder and I was so excited.


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[Assistant] I long for this kind of romance. For a man who just woos me like this. Sing to me in Spanish.


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[Assistant] Now, they used to say, yo, quiero taco bell. It's improper, right? It would be quiero taco bell. No, you're right.


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[Assistant] One of the greatest moments in our relationship. There's been two great restaurant moments.


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[Assistant] This is, uh, top two moments with you in my life. Number one, we were at...


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[Assistant] This brunch place in Silver Lake we used to go to all the time. Dusty's, I don't even know if it's around anymore.


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[Assistant] And I said to you, I dare you to walk up to that bus boy and say, Hey, I have to shit. Where's the bathroom? And you did it.


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[Assistant] But the best part of that is watching him just go, oh yea, right there, homie. Like, he did not even blink that some fucking widow came up to him and was like, hey, I gotta shit.


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[Assistant] In Spanish, she was like, cause you know you don't hear it every day like that from a patron?


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[Assistant] Right, which was the best moment. You were very excited about that. Number two, we ate, as usual, way too much, much, much sushi. Much sushi. Remember, it was like on Beverly somewhere?


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[Assistant] Some real, real, real, real, real sushi place where like we were the only fucking white people there. It was dope. And we ordered so much food. And uhm, what did you say to her? Remember she drops the notion to speak much English.


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[Assistant] This was in, this was Beverly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was not Redondo. And you go, no, I remember because it was, this place was way shittier. This is like one of those shitty like rad.


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[Assistant] It was definitely Casa Arigato. Okay, okay. So Casa Arigato. How funny, it's like Spanish and Japanese.


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[Assistant] But you and I threw it down, homie. Yeah, you're like, I split my inst-


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[Assistant] That was one of the- those are the- that and then we went on our first movie date and we saw that movie, uhm, Open Water.


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[Assistant] And uhm, that's when the guy was like, we don't know, we thought he was retarded. And you and I started LOLing so loud.


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[Assistant] And I was like, oh, this guy's for me, dude. Like the fact that you and I both laughed at that exact moment, like, I was like, I love you.


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[Assistant] She's not dating her. Fuck no. Sorry, no. She's way out of your league, bro. Get the fuck out of here. You're not dating Moana. No, sweetie.


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[Assistant] So that, that, it's a lie. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he's mentally not there.


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[Assistant] Or is he living his truth? I don't know. In this era, people are like, whatever you feel, you feel like you're dating Moana? I dunno.


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[Assistant] Why is it, is he, is it, cause he's been telling the lie and then so many people are like, you're not dating.


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[Assistant] Mommy's jeans, as you know, the main mommy is recovering from a broken ankle that happened about two and a half months ago. And I am not joking when I tell you that Theragun has been


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] instrumental in my healing process. You know, I walk on my ankle all day and by the end of the night, it can be inflamed. It can be sore.


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[Assistant] All I do, I take out my third gun and I rub it along the parts that are giving me problem and I swear it like...


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[Assistant] Releases the tension, the knots, it feels like.


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[Assistant] I don't even know, it feels like you're, you're my little ankles walking on air after, and it sets me straight for the next day when I have to get up and walk on it all over again. It really is a tremendous.


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[Assistant] Product and you know, I think you can use it just to relieve the stress in your body. It is so special. Theragun.


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[Assistant] As a handheld percussive therapy device that releases your deepest.


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[Assistant] muscle tension using a scientifically calibrated combo of depth


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[Assistant] Speed and power. The Gen 4th air gun doesn't just feel good.


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[Assistant] It gets to the source of the pain by releasing tension. It really does. This thing is so special. Uh, and I'm so appreciative of Theragun for being instrumental in my recovery.


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[Assistant] Uh, try TheraGun for 30 days, starting at only $199. Go to TheraBody.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] dot com slash mom right now and get your gen four theragun today. That's therabody.com slash mom, therabody.com slash mom.


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[Assistant] What we got homie? That guy is so funny. He's not dating Moana. I was thinking about that. That was a really amazing clip that got sent.


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[Assistant] Babe, look how happy you are. Look at that smile. That's the happiest you've been all day when you're upsetting me. Look at you. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That's a genuine smile. You never smile like that unless you really zink somebody good.


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[Assistant] No, listen, this is not an issue. Like, I cannot become somebody different now. You're asking me 17 years into a relationship to be better, be different. It's not happening, babe.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's crying, his pussy's all fucking bloody again. Bullshit. And like, look how he, look how he, look, look what he does, it's really deliberate. So you're Gale King, he's like, she smells that. Nothing's impossible.


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[Assistant] Like he makes eye contact with Gail. To tug those heartstrings. Yea, like it's so contrived. It feels so... And do you think he was given that question in advance so that he could...


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[Assistant] He gets his butt licked constantly by his staff. No way.


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[Assistant] Oh, ta-da, the end, yeah, ta-da to fucking you. He's like, I didn't steal this vodka, you cunt. You think I'm gonna steal a fucking vodka?


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[Assistant] I could just watch them talk. This accent is so adorable.


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[Assistant] Ta-da, ta-da to fucking you. Ta-ta. It's like ta-ta there, retard. It's the same.


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[Assistant] Fucking you. You know what, I love that movie, uh, Trainspotting, just to watch them talk.


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[Assistant] You and McGregor, I've been in love with him forever. Yeah, he's fantastic. He's Asian.


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[Assistant] No, but I just, I've always liked them. Yeah, they're great actors. Since they were young in their careers. I just follow those two bros. I like those dudes.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Ewan McGregor. Ewan McGregor. Wait, where is he? Is he English? Ewan McGregor. Is he Scottish? Maybe he's Scottish.


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[Assistant] You know what I really hate? I have to admit. I really hated when uhm, what's his name that plays fucking Shrek?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I kind of hate when he puts on the Scottish accent. Why?


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[Assistant] Because I can tell it's, like, I wonder if Scottish people hearing him do it think it's authentically as good. Because you listen to Ewan McGregor, you watch Trainspotting or this guy, and you're like, oh, that's a Scottish brook, or whatever the fuck they call it, brogue, right? I don't know the word.


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[Assistant] But uhm, you hear Mike Myers and you're like, that's just like a guy pretending to be Scottish. I got you.


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[Assistant] I'll be like, it's like it's good. He's pretty great at accents. He's amazing. And hey, he's funny as shit. I love Shrek. I love everything Mike Myers has ever done. But then every now and then I'm like, why, why the choice to make?


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[Assistant] British parents. Yeah. Okay. I don't know. I don't know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know why I just, uh, cause sometimes I'm like, ah, that doesn't sound authentic.


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[Assistant] Bangers. He really has a talent of knowing like what, it's a good sensibility. His sense of humor was just perfect for SNL.


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[Assistant] It was like, that's like a hall of fame era, I think. Yeah, that's a tight era, dude. Yeah. And then I remember when. That's what I think.


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[Assistant] Uhm, it was when Cindy Crawford did the commercial for Charlie. They call it Charlie. That was the name of the song and the commercial. And he goes, Cindy Crawford has a new ad out and they call it Tone Deaf. And I always remember like, oh, it's so, he was so good at those Hollywood minute snarky shits.


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[Assistant] And fucking JLo was one of the dancers. The fly girl.


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[Assistant] The flag, everything, everything about that show was just banger, banger, banger too.


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[Assistant] That shit, and then I loved when, um, Dag did the guy in prison that he's like, that couldn't pronounce. Was that him? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh


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[Assistant] Yeah, that show was great. What a good time for comedy. God damn. That was, we're lucky we got to grow up with all that. And the Simpsons, back when the Simpsons were like the beginning, that was good. Also. Also.


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[Assistant] Listen, I was on a lot of oxys. I was in house quarantine with my broken limb.


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[Assistant] That's what you get bro. That's what you get. So maybe this will be a brighter, now that I'm on a better


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[Assistant] So, what's happening today in today's world is like, I wanna wear my hoary, crocheted, inappropriately cut top in public.


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[Assistant] And I wanna get away with it, so what I'm gonna do is blame the man, and I'm gonna be like, let's normalize.


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[Assistant] Soggy boobs in poorly supportive crocheted tops. So when you put it on society,


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[Assistant] Instead of taking personal responsibility for your looks. And that's the new way to get away with any fucking form of lunacy you want to participate in. Can we please normalize?


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[Assistant] Of course. Should be. Because they will. Because it's inappropriate. It's just, it's inappropriate. You know, you know that.


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[Assistant] This is one of those talks where they're like, have a good day, have a good tomorrow, and I hope you're having a good Sunday. I'm having a good Sunday. Are you having a good Sunday?


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[Assistant] But that, isn't that the point? I feel like that's the point of social media is that now every, you have to let everybody know what you're doing. Exactly what you're doing. All the time. Yes. And he's just following Proto, you know? Lettin' you know.


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[Assistant] Well, and euros wear speedos too. They don't wear what they used to. I don't know what they do now, but I have contempt for men in shorts. I think it looks stupid. Why? They're just short pants.


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[Assistant] I know, but I feel like it's so childish. Like, what are you, a fucking ten years old? She's wear pants? Wear pants. I don't wear shorts. Shorts look terrible on me.


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[Assistant] Thing is I don't look good in shorts and I, I just hate, I hate seeing ugly legs. You know.


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[Assistant] I don't like it. I think it's an immature fashion. Ugh. Look at you, dick.


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[Assistant] You look like a fucking dick. Especially when they're like, preppy. I can't handle it.


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[Assistant] Baggy, like cali ones, like uhm, I like shorts that go to the knee, kinda.


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[Assistant] I hate preppy, okay like East Coast, remember when we dressed up like douchebags for the West Palm Beach show? Yea. Like those kind of shorts. These are ridiculous. I don't like the khaki. Tiny.


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[Assistant] They are now. See, there's a reason they put that police character for Reno 911 in tiny shorts, cause it's ridiculous.


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[Assistant] Well, it's a man that's transitioned to being a woman, and now she's getting her facial tattoos removed because she's not into them anymore.


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[Assistant] It's terribly, it looks terribly, look how still she's being, I mean.


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[Assistant] Gosh, right around the mouth area, it's gotta be so sensitive.


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[Assistant] Just try, practice. Today is Friday. Wish everybody a happy weekend. Yea, go ahead. Let's see your practice run.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Chris, okay, so tell them what you're gonna do this weekend. Go ahead. What are your plans?


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah. The problem with Chris Larson is that he's almost too good at this. He gives information. Now the secret to these duds is you can't actually give any information. You're just like, I'm good, are you good? You're giving... What are you looking at?


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[Assistant] Okay? Okay, I'm okay. Okay, should we keep going?


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[Assistant] That was, that was really cool. That was a good one, right? So, so this, this, so this is like ramping up to the weekend when the horny talks start coming, people start drinking. They start on Thursday, right? They start Thursday night generally, and then by Sunday, it is


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[Assistant] Horny fever all over the talks, at least in my feed. People get fired up.


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[Assistant] Yeah, bro. She eats them right out the bowl, homie.


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[Assistant] This bitch is wild. She does all those mookbangs or whatever the fuck.


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[Assistant] Uhm, you're not even curious? I mean, what's happening here? This was really a good find. I mean, he's converting to be a snake. Well, he's a snake now, he wants to be a dragon. And he only...


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[Assistant] Listen, in the history of the shit that I have found on the internet, I would argue this is top ten. Fucking crazy, bro.


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[Assistant] Do you think, now hold on, just listen to me for one second. Do you think in today's world that he has a therapist who's like, yes, this is wonderful, you're finally becoming the dragon snake you've always wanted to be?


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[Assistant] You need to go with this. Your feelings are important. You feel like a snake. You are a snake. Or do you think they're like, listen, you've got severe emotional


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[Assistant] Do you think though, if this story were to go into the media and people would congratulate him, like, man finally becomes a snake, he's always known he can be, and like we congratulate him for his metamorphosis, or do we recognize it as mental illness?


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[Assistant] No, so people do tell her she's 67 years old and she wears bikinis a lot and she likes to show off her body. And her husband takes bikini pics of her. She knows what she's doing. She's like that lady last week who was making


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's just dicks. It's two bowls of dicks. And no, I can't turn the heater off because I am, I'm cold.


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[Assistant] Because I've been the shut in for the last eight weeks.


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[Assistant] Okay, but I feel like you- I want you to leave on a positive TikTok and like-


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[Assistant] Your fantasy is something different than reality homie. I think you're fantasizing that I've got like bruises on me. Is that what you wish you saw?


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[Assistant] It was a lot of fun. See? We always do well, just you and me helping. It was fun. It was really fun. We sit down, we party.


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[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


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[Assistant] Hey everyone, I just want to say good morning and have a good day at work or whatever you're doing today. Just have a good day. Enjoy.


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[Assistant] Enjoy the sunshine, if it's sunny. Have a best day. This is what I want from Chris Larson.


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[Assistant] And the Garth Brooks Stadium show is coming home to Nashville. On sale happens in seven minutes.


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[Assistant] I'm doing a DP on Friday, a DP on Saturday before my dunk tank, so I'm gonna get home


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[Assistant] Hey, what's up? Tiktok, it's Lalo Granbrazier here. Look, uh, I got a message for everybody, especially all the guys again, bro, because I see on all my posts, you guys keep disrespecting me, bro. So I'm back again to tell you guys all a quick message, bro. Stop commenting daddy on my post, bro. I already told you multiple times, bro. I don't gotta keep telling you over and over and over, bro. Stop. Stop.


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[Assistant] And you're like, yeah dude, I love you too. And he's like, ah, wouldn't it be great if we could just give each other blow jobs. Just to feel, it just feels better. It just feels good. And like, we know what we're doing.


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[Assistant] Well, except for the first one, Mimi was like three years. He was like, get out of here, bitch.


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[Assistant] His arm locked up under him there. Looked like Tom Segura trying to dunk a basketball.


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[Assistant] Even fucking other comedians can't get it right. I'm going to be performing in Colorado on, I know this is September the 8th at Red Rock. So you're welcome to come if you want to come and have a laugh. Me and Bert Chrysler.


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[Assistant] Hi, Jeans. So glad to see you. I miss you. I miss you guys.


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[Assistant] Better this week, I started physical therapy and, um, my physical therapist is shirtless when he comes over, which is a treat because he's one of those Austin fit guys.


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[Assistant] Great shape. I've been catching up on TV shows and I'm really into hacks that show on HBO Max.


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[Assistant] Oh shit, I forget her name. She's such a great comedic actress. I'm terrible with the names.


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[Assistant] The lady is a comedic actress, but not a stand up per se, but she can do it. Yes. She's been in everything.


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[Assistant] You know, you can change your name legally. It's just like, you just have to go to the social security office and DMV.


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[Assistant] At least in California, that's how I changed my last name when I became married to you.


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[Assistant] It's not that crazy, like you can do it. You don't have to be named fag, is what I'm saying.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I would. If it was something so silly, like I watched a TikTok where this guy was like,


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[Assistant] I grew up bullied because my last name was, you know, whatever drool face. And I was like, why don't you, why don't your parents just change your last name? Um, but I have changed my last name. I didn't like my middle name. So I just, I changed it too.


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[Assistant] There's no need to suffer in life really, if you can, if you can. There's an easy way.


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[Assistant] I mean, it really is just a couple of trips to some bureaucracies bureaucratic offices and it's done. And that's that. Yeah. Your whole life is different now.


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[Assistant] Cause I can't stop thinking about him taking home his lunch in a kitchen garbage bag that smelled like Febreze.


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[Assistant] Because my, my, my wonder is, I mean, how clean are those trash bags? Yes, they may be fresh out of the roll that you buy them in.


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[Assistant] But you don't know what machines they were made on or chemicals that have been used to make the smells, you know?


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[Assistant] Nadav, also, like, you know that, like, I also, I don't understand the mindset of someone who orders, what was it called? Your, uh, baby? Your halal? What is that shit called that you had?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like what's the, what's the necessity that you finish it all? You know what I mean? Like that, that was a.


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[Assistant] Here's some good ones. Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John. You're changing that.


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[Assistant] You know, you have a point, Tom. I'm not seeing many J's in Austin.


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[Assistant] Swami, Swami, He knows what's up. This guy's been saying what I've been thinking for my whole life.


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[Assistant] Because I learned in, when I studied philosophy, I learned about the idea of a philosopher king. Like Aristotle thought that we should raise somebody.


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[Assistant] Because it was believed that I don't think people should vote. I don't think just anybody should vote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, just no voting. I think the philosopher king should lead us all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, there's a few people, eh, there's very few people that qualify as the Philosopher King, so they have to be raised from birth to be of just, really just that role.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so there are very few humans that walk the earth now that could do it. I think, uhm, I think Joe Rogan would be a great leader.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you, you want somebody that's got a balance of reality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reality and then mixed with a great mind. Like I think Jordan Peterson is pretty smart. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just so hard to listen to. I have to tap out of these swamis a lot of the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, these, these leaders, so they're always molesting their


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, they often have really interesting things to say, but I don't have that kind of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I like your idea, like to rank people's level of importance. Oh yeaah. How much their vote, like counts. Like for you, the Cajun population, like all of their votes count for like a quarter of a vote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then there's, there are intelligent people, you know, not on the coasts as well. Like I think if you're in a, like in a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really good point. Do you have good public transportation? What do you, what's your taco situation? Can you make a good taco?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are so successful, you're taking all this time off. Ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you do that as well, like when you enter a church, you do that and you give it a kiss?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I've noticed in Tejas uhm, that I absolutely love and it's taken me a minute to get used to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and this definitely goes to the Angelenos in there. Like, they, they, they, they need small talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it is mandatory, like when you, when someone, you're, you're, you meet somebody for the first time or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, and they will stand there in silence even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just like, you, you gotta make chit chat. It's part of the culture is chit chat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're like, oh, this is like, this is the culture. You must be nice and friendly. And now I enjoy chitchat. It's an art form.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be like, okay, so like, uhm, are we gonna paint this thing, and then, nanananana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I break the, so how do I transition from chitchat salami?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, you nailed it. You nailed that. You have to act like, like, well I don't want to do this thing we came here to do, but. You gotta act like you wanted to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom and I got into this rhythm where we would drink tequila every night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And watch couples therapy and we'd have to pause and talk to each other and analyze and get into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so fascinating. That one, there's one couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, where the woman, member, you have a better memory. Sorry, I've been hopped up on drugs in the last two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And because he was trying to collect unemployment, but at the time the unemployment agency was overwhelmed with people trying to collect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, and I see you and I'm like, he can't resolve this issue. He's incompetent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I just think you're weak and incompetent. It's so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To say that to a man or a woman, you're like, oh my God, those are the two worst things to call somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially for a man, like your whole thing is to be competent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she doesn't want to give you dick touches. That's the end of it, dude. When a woman thinks you're a pussy, forget it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least for me, like if you, I saw you being, and I'm not saying like you're crying because something horrible happened or you know, like a reason to cry or be vulnerable, that's different. What I'm saying is if I perceived you as a man who is incapable of doing basic tasks, that's what she was saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I don't wanna fuck you, like I'm done touching your dick, you know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's work obsessed, not, I get that, but my favorite couple too is the, so there's a lesbian woman who's with a man who transitioned to a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when I first saw it, I thought, oh, this must be awesome. Like it's like having the best of all possible worlds to have somebody who was once a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's now a woman, like it kind of would be great, right? Cause now they're on, they're like a lady, so they get your point of view, but they have masculine energy. Like I can kind of wrap my head around it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best part is that these bitches have the same problems that every heterosexual couple has. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the, and the transitioned woman is like, yeah, I do. I earn all the money. So you should fucking pick up around here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is what heterosexual, most heterosexual couples, it's the same dynamic, like if you're out making the money, Tommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna be like, why don't you do these dishes? You know? Yeah. Like, well, cause you're out making the money and so someone else does the dishes. Yeah. Right. Yeah, of course. Like you're, you're busy doing that thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, which is so great because it really affirms my belief in gender roles, you know? When you watch that shit, you're like, you see, it's the same, same shit, different toilet, baby. Yeah. And that woman really should be safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had a great apartment. They decorated it so nicely. I was like, bitch, shut up. Let her go to work. Cause she knows what she's doing. Enjoy your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so good and there's one lady who's so traumatized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this poor guy, like he, she is just such an emotional vampire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he's sweet, like he's trying, you can tell he's just like, look dude, I don't fucking, you know, she just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sucks the life blood out of him. You're like, dude, you're so traumatized. You need to be in therapy yourself, lady. Like she's too traumatized to be with anybody. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh, it's so fun. Yeah, people are endlessly entertaining to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were at that outdoor mall and we were watching those girls work for the ACLU and like watching them try to get people to sign up with them. Like even that was just enthralling. Like what are you doing? Why are you doing that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because if you were, you could just go on the internet. And like, I could donate right now. I don't need, I don't need to talk to you on the fucking street. It's hot out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You remember Abercrombie and Fitch? I never really shopped there because I was too broke when they existed. But you remember you'd go in there and it was like a gay disco? Like the music was so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I'm thinking back. Was that a gay line of clothing? Was that meant for gay men?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, but it was so loud. I mean, could you imagine working there all day listening to that garbage music at full volume?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess what? YMH Live is back streaming live from Austin, Texas. Go to livestream.ymhstudios.com to get your tickets for the show September 22nd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Stamps.com. We have been huge, huge fans of Stamps.com for almost a decade now, and the best part about it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that you don't have to go anywhere to ship and mail things that you normally had to go do. You can do it just from your house and you'll print postage like you have some secret code.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you don't. You have Stamps.com. Stamps.com brings the same US postal and UPS shipping services right to your computer to make it easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For small businesses to mail and ship without needing to take a trip to the post office, print official US postage and shipping labels 24-7 without having to leave your desk or buy any fancy equipment. All you need is your computer and a standard printer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop wasting time, go into the post office, go to stamps.com and say there's no risk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With our promo code Mom, you get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Mom. That's Stamps.com. Promo code is Mom. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back. Another episode of Your Mom's House Podcasts. She's Christine. Hi, James. I'm Todd. And this is our show. And uhm, really excited to be here. We have an incredible


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's super cool. Before we get too far, you have some dates to plug?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no problem. Uhm, if you just woke up and you're listening to this podcast, you'll know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, later on it'll be later in the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And LA doctor's like, eat nine almonds for lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'll be in Salt Lake Titties, uh, yeaah, in October.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see there's a, there's Salt Lake Titties right there, October 14th. That's exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that'd be really fun. Can't wait. Excite. Can't wait for this tour to take off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, you wanna open the show? I'm ready, I'm here. Let's get this party farted, started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Working out under bridges is a real high risk it feels like. I'd be motivated to get the fuck out from under the bridge, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely not as good. It's definitely a scarier vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd have to sign a waiver though for under the bridge workouts. They're like, you, you are working out with us at your own risk if you get robbed, beaten, stabbed, killed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, that's, that's what's gonna motivate you to lose weight and get in shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever like walked, well you have, like if you walked like on Ventura, and you go north or, you know, under an overpass. That's scary. It's always had wild shit underneath it. Not only just being the last year, when like the homeless situation got real crazy here, but I mean, it's all, you've always walked and you're like, ooh, I gotta speed up. And you're like, oh, shoulders back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, cause one thing when you do heroin, you always want to take a nap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's cool that you can go to one place under a bridge, and you can do both. You can do the drugs and no one sees you, and you can rest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those aren't hard to find. It's not like they're like, uuuh, I can't find a spoon. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But again, the people that are like really struggling to find a clean spoon, you know, they're not very high on resources.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People just passed out, mouth open. What happened? These are our customers. You know, we haven't sold any food this week. No one's eating here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, we also have Xanax, if you go too far, take the edge off. As Joey Diaz advised me, he's like, take a little


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just wheel in some heroin addicts who are like, I need a place to stay. Yeah, this is a good business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said uhm, I called the cab, please bring me some wine, my wine. He said we haven't had that spirit here since 1969. What's up bro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you asking for such outdated stuff? It's because you're high on heroin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting question. Which is that I'm, am I gay straight or bi?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, one of our favorite books. We've read this book many times together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my husband Gay Straighter Bye by Dr. Joe Court and we're going to reveal something on this show today. Shout out to Dr. Joe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A few months ago, you know, we were talking, we were playing his clips a lot on the show. And we reached out to Dr. Joe Court to come on the podcast. And he said yes. And we had a conversation with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I thought it would be funny to lean into the fact that I'm fucking guys all over the place on the road. He was like, really? And.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing about, you know, when you do bits, right? Sometimes in concept, you have them play out in your head a certain way and then you execute them and you're like, ehh, that didn't land the way. So what I realized is I didn't break. I kept saying like, yeah, you know, I was in Phoenix and I fucked these four guys. And then like, he was like, really? I was like, yeah. He was like, okay. And he was very like nice about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But as the interview wrapped up, it was like a 20 minute, 25 minute zoom conversation, I felt bad that I had, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, so when it ended, we called him back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, man, I confessed to him. I was like, I made that shit up. He was like, really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we had another interesting conversation with him, another 15-20 minute conversation. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it was like, it felt too dirty, like it felt like too much manipulation, you know? And he was being genuine and authentic and like really trying to help. And I was just like, yeah, you know, when you blow like four guys in Detroit, you know what I mean? Just cause you're on the road. And he was like, okay. And he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Uhm, but I gotta say, the second conversation was really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was a great talk and we were like, you know, I apologize for the earlier talk and he was cool with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little while later, not even like a half hour later, he emailed and was like, I don't want any of that today. So we've always, uhm, we've always respected his, you know, his wish. I'm not gonna air it. But we did get to talk to him, and I so regret that it went that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to try to have them on again. We tried, we didn't hear back, but that was like right at that time. But I would love to follow up again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I also, in my time on this earth with, you know, dozens of friends, never have I, never have anyone been like, yea I did that. I've never heard somebody say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, now Zolo's a young guy in college. Have you noticed, like your experience is probably different than ours was back in our day. Do your friends go like, you know what, fuck a couple guys this weekend, how about you man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty cool. Super cool. Did they ever try to like, you know what I mean, get you guys to switch teams?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're just like, I just opened my phone and then this guy was like, I am in the grocery store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially a guy with a guy. Then they're like, there's definitely nothing on the line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And before you go, oh how come you're saying only gay people and not straight people? Because we know HIV is the gay flu. Okay? That's why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never heard of this. This is wild. Yes, isn't that amazing? It's a medicine. I know that, like, now they offer you, uhm, offer you, or they offer patients, what's it called? The, uh, the vaccine for, what is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw you guys somewhere. It was probably on this tour. I saw you guys in Florida somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause you guys went, you stayed at your, your parents place. That's right. Yeah. For the one and I drove down somewhere and saw you guys. I remember I went to the bathroom when, uh, I think you were on stage and this guy was taking a leak and another guy was like, what's going on there? And he's like, some chicks on, uh, doing standup. And he goes, yeah, how big are her tits? And the guy goes, pretty big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another thing that's uh, bookmarked here, with your name, what's this about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit. It's been shared almost 50,000 times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't we, uh, stop down. I can't believe this is happening. We'll be back in a bit with our guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You completely blew our mind in the lobby here because I was like, oh talking about, you know, I got, I had this nerve transfer and I was like, how did your, uh, operation go? And you're like, meh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anybody watches this and if you're just watching this now, you're like, oh, that dude's arm just fucking went the way it's not supposed to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it is interesting because like we were talking about like what like what anybody is aware of the phenomena like of what what has you guys have created. And it's wild to think of like the way you affect people's lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only thing that I, cause we were always talking about like what do you attribute like such, like the fandom to? And one thing I think you said was, cause I heard somebody one time in an interview say, they were at the gathering I think, and they were like, well you know when you come here, you can just be who you wanna be. Yea, of course. Like you can be yourself. That's huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, this is, uh, I saw this clip a long time. We played this on our podcast, maybe, I'm not kidding you here, close to 10 years, probably like 8 or 9 years ago. And it's from this, uh, it's from, uh, I guess- You guys were doing this podcast 9 years ago?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's just like I guess there was a camera crew that was at a gathering. Anyways, we used to play this clip like over and over as one of like these funny, like first a clip and then the drop over and over because it was just so funny to me the way this guy spoke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the le- the level of fandom is so- It's insane, yeaah. Like, you- you guys have talked about it before on your show, uhm, about, you know, tattoos people get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One guy got a tattoo of me on his arm, and then he was like, I'm coming to your show. I was like, alright, uh, you want tickets? He's like, no, I got tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean to show, if your thing is like, I only show my, I wanna show my level of fandom by getting facial tattoos of what the pros paint on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That has post posted a video that we're playing is like damn you like a shit on me, so


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people, some people just like find it pleasurable to hear sounds like that or like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I'm assuming you have taken to a superhuman. That's my boy. Okay. I was hoping so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first time I saw it was on Twitter. It had been retweeted a bunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what would be fun to do with you though? Is, uhm, horrible or hilarious? So, I'll show you clips. Okay. And you basically just tell me, uhm, is it, is it funny? Or, like is it, is it hilarious or is it terrible? Of course. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it almost scares, like you expect it more on a skateboard. Cause I've been on a bike where you get so much speed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ButcherBox is in your corner delivering humanely sourced meat of your choosing right to your doorstep. Options like 100% grass fed and finished beef, free range organic chicken, humanely raised pork, wild caught lobster tails, wild caught Alaskan salmon, and sugar and nitrate free bacon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys want you to live it up. ButcherBox has your back. The process is quite simple. Once signed up, you choose your box and delivery frequency. They offer five boxes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one pack of hot dogs for free. Right now, new members can get this special deal when they sign up at butcherbox.com slash mom. That's butcherbox.com slash mom for free chicken, burgers and hot dogs in your first box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to set up what you're known for? Like do you want me to actually?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before we, wait, before we do that, we forgot to, this is one of the hardest we laughed was when we first started learning about your guys podcast was doing the YMH references. That shit was so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Simply Safe. When Simply Safe Home Securities founders Chad and Eleanor Lawrence designed their first security system in their kitchen, they did it for a very personal reason. Their friends had just had their home broken into. They were struggling to find a security system that was simple to set up and would make them feel safe again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The system, uh, here and some of the guys have been using it and absolutely love it. Uhm, what Simply Safe does is it makes people feel safe and have been doing it since that moment 15 years ago. A passion to protect people not only drives every engineering detail in its products, but it motivates every interaction with its customers as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It takes about two minutes to get set up. So easy to customize on their site, simply safe.com slash your mom. As our listener, you can save 20% on your simply safe security system and get your first month free when you sign up for the interactive monitoring service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just visit simply safe dot com slash your mom to customize your system and start protecting your home and family. That's simply safe dot com slash your mom. Do you want this next one to play?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. And all I'm saying is like, you know, fucken I cooked you a dish, why don't you make me something to eat, you know what I mean? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is raw shit. This was the, this was so fun. Um, our closing song is Fart Mike Assassins by Brothers produced by Hen Dog. That's probably your shit right there. Thank you guys for coming. Thank you guys for having us. Awesome. Thank you to all the mommies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the best dude. Would you have sex with him now? NO!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is one of my favorite ones. Wait, is it the- oh my gosh. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I loved hearing that home, uh, it was a drunk guy getting arrested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do it. Alright, Jeans, I'm super pumped. I'm in Chomaha, Nebraska, June 3rd through 5th. And then I go to Wise Guys in Salt Lake City, Puta. We have added a show there. And then San Antonio in July the, uh, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, Liberty Township, Ohio in July at the Liberty Funnybone, Columbus in August, and then, he gotta go faster, Oklahoma, Oklahoma City in Oklahoma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Indian apple tits and the Denver Colorado.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Charlie Goodnights in Raleigh. And then for Orlando, Thanksgiving weekend. Alright. ChristinaPOnline.com for tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and I don't detect any mental illness, which is nice too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say in cool guy fashion, he kept the fan on. You see the shadow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Change the angle. The secret is at eye level or even a little higher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The light has to face you. Do you want the light?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well of course, on the bright side, because I don't want to see those horrible pictures of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said it before, he's like, what, five miles? Too far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same county. Secondly, he's like, apparently, he did kind of the downer thing of like, apparently, I've been looking in all the wrong places, and you're like, that's negative Nancy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're gonna find a better room, okay? We all have refrigerators. Yes. Like, find a better-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be funny. He's like, you want some food? I got food homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I do like him. I don't think that's what I'm saying. He's attractive. He's a nice guy. He could be viable. I'm a little concerned that he's gonna go negative. I just have a feeling he's a bit of a downer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there anything worse than when you just meet somebody and they do the flimmy? No, it's the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody is. I think that a lot of times, uhm, they're, they're crazy. Of course. And the guys are like, whoosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, that's not gonna get you much sympathy these days, being the white guy. Who gives a shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. And also too, I must say in my life, I've only had men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the fact that I was intelligent. And the ones who don't like the fact that I was successful and intelligent were fucking losers, man. These guys are fucking losers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and I dumped the guy who gave me, you know, grief for being smart or whatever. Yeah, you just find the winners, right Tommy? Like you, you're a fucking winner, bro.


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[Assistant] Yes, I agree. We'll help him find love.


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[Assistant] Even now I think you look way young, you look great.


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[Assistant] Well, your son Ellis and I were sitting down together and I go, let's go get, I like to make personal cakes. It's not that expensive. I go down to Gelson's, the bakery we have here, local.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for 70 bucks, they can make you a crazy nice personalized cake and it's just fun. If this is the gift, you know.


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[Assistant] So, Ellis and I were sitting down and I go, what should we do for daddy's cake? What should we make? He goes, transformer. I go, I don't think he likes that. And I couldn't tell him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, I chastised him. And then in my head I was like, well, Tom only likes BJs and tits, and I can't get a cake. We already did the boob cake, and I think that scarred our children. Yeah, that was a little much.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so I know what you love. You love Lamborghinis. And you love steak.


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[Assistant] But this is for you, I thought, and uhm, there's little broccoli bits next to it too, they're made of marzipan, it was super fun.


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[Assistant] I couldn't ask for a pussy cake. I mean, do you think Gelson's would make me a pussy?


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[Assistant] Well, I'm so glad you like it. And then uhm, I know Burt is, you guys talk about how your wives give you crappy gifts and stuff.


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[Assistant] So, what did your boyfriend Bert get you? That was so much better than what I got you a steak cake.


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[Assistant] Crazy. Pretty stoked about it. Man, you can't be depressed on a see-dew. Those things are- No, it's so-


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[Assistant] So much fun. That is the meaning of joy right there.


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[Assistant] That's not even fun. Isn't that terrifying to go that fast on a water?


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[Assistant] So do you have any thoughts on your 52nd year of life?


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[Assistant] Cause I'm fully having, I think I am having a midlife crisis, where I, like I,


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[Assistant] I'm starting to realize that I'm not gonna be in this meat shell looking this good much longer. This is the end of my, my window.


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[Assistant] Like that's why I'm working out a lot more, I'm trying to get, I want to get down to my weight, like my weight goals, cause I don't have much longer to look this rad. Wait, and do you realize too, that 40, like I'm 44, I'm gonna be 45, oh my god, kill me. That Mrs. Robinson in that movie, The Graduate, is like my age.


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[Assistant] Do Google, like she's supposed to be in her forties. I think she's supposed to be 42 or something.


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[Assistant] Looked like. Middle age looked like this. Back.


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[Assistant] She was 35 and that's what 35 was.


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[Assistant] But I'm so excited to announce as part of my midlife crisis,


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[Assistant] I've decided to dress a lot sluttier.


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[Assistant] Like when you and I are not on this show, thankfully, but like for you, for your sake, for my sake, like on this, we're going to Florida.


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[Assistant] And I've bought horror bathing suits, like what I consider horror bathing suits.


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[Assistant] It's still pretty good. You're gonna like what, you're gonna like the way I look, I guarantee it. I'm excited.


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[Assistant] I've decided to go full throttle and just blow it out.


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[Assistant] As you should. And then when Bauhaus comes back, I'm gonna keep touring with Bauhaus.


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[Assistant] I've decided to dress horrier for you.


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[Assistant] I do. I have to say, I mean, when we first started dating, you were wearing, you know, baggy horse shit jeans and like, you were just a frumpy dumpers. And now you're like a fashion icon. Fashion icon? I mean, you're on the runways. You look great. By the way, I got off the plane the other day, um, and there was a rapper sitting


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[Assistant] In my, in, in first class, and then I don't know who it was, but he got off.


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[Assistant] You dressed just like a rapper. I'm just wearing a fucking tennis t-shirt. Right now, but like, he had the same sneaks that you have, pants, everything, like his gear.


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[Assistant] Because I haven't seen your face, I don't think since we got married.


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[Assistant] I think 08 was the last time you went without a beard. I wanna see your pretty face. You got such a pretty mouth. I wanna massage your b-hole. I wanna see your face! Okay. How long has it been?


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[Assistant] I would love that. It gives me something to look forward to. That's another thing in middle age is that you plan things to look forward to.


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[Assistant] My dad had a mustache for like 20 years. And then when I was in college, he cut it off and it was like, Whoa, you have a, you have an upper lip.


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[Assistant] We are supported by best fiends. You know, when I'm not contemplating the great mysteries of life, uh, like the origins of surf and turf.


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[Assistant] Or why do they call it smart and final? I am playing best fiends. I'm giving my brain.


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[Assistant] A break? It feels like, uh, like I've just had a deep tissue massage for my brain when I play that game. There are just thousands of puzzle solving levels on Best Fiends, and I tell you, I play it when I'm on the road. It's the one thing I look forward to when I'm on a flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I crack open that bad boy and I love the sounds, I love the puzzles, it's like there's great rewards every time you level up.


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[Assistant] It is just so much fun. Best Fiends has tons of fun puzzles to solve and unlike other matching puzzle games, Best Fiends has variety and, you know, strategy. The only downside, I can't stop playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Download the five star rated puzzle game Best Fiends free today on the Apple App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the R, Best Fiends.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so I was watching that, uhm, one of the classics, I'm sure Nadav loves it, uh, 17 again.


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[Assistant] He had a big Netflix show last year. Yea, he just had a Netflix show come out. Like a travel thing. Alright, I don't keep up with the guy's career, but that's good. And uhm, the guy from Friends, Chandler.


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[Assistant] Matthew Perry. Now he looks like ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag in that movie.


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[Assistant] He does. I gotta say, I think he's got a face for television, not for the film.


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[Assistant] I think he's lovely. I think the face, like his, he's not, he doesn't have the looks like against Zac Efron. Oh yea. When you see him on the big screen.


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[Assistant] I mean he's just perfect. God, now what'd you say?


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[Assistant] He should never be married. Just like Brad Pitt in his heyday. Never should get married. Now, who do you think is hotter, Brad Pitt in his heyday or Zac Efron right now?


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[Assistant] It is genetics, dude. And this, Jennifer Lawrence too, she's fucking perfect. They're all perfect. Listen, there's a reason people are movie stars. You have to look like this, okay?


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[Assistant] Yeah, no. But the thing is too, like, it's a full-time job to stay this hot.


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[Assistant] Like you look at someone like Jennifer Lopez, who's in her- She's in her 50s. She looks amazing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I do Botox. No, no, no, no, no. This is like, she's got a fucking team.


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[Assistant] She did the whole I'm available now. It's letting people know.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. You know, I can see it. She'd be like, Oh my god, Tom Sakura, you're funny. Like she'd do that whole thing like, Oh my god, you're like my favorite comedian. Wait, is she Rosie Perez all of a sudden? How does she talk like that? She has that accent.


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[Assistant] I'm still Jenny from the block, but like, I think I could love you, Tom.


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[Assistant] Thank God. Okay, we're still married, that's good. But it got me thinking because I was watching Seventeen again. So the whole premise of the movie is he's with his high school sweetheart, he's about to, it's his senior year, he's a basketball champ, right?


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[Assistant] So listen, I'm listening. I'm trying to tell you the scout from Syracuse is there to watch him slam dunk.


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[Assistant] He blows the game, runs off with her, gets married at 17, they have kids.


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[Assistant] He regrets his life, he gets to go back and be 17 again, and guess what?