[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause maybe our nose isn't trained to our dog's smell. Cause we smell like dogs, yeah. Cause we're those dogs. So we can't smell it, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also it can be mixed in with the fact that different


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Races and people use different products that contribute to a smell. Bingo. So, you know, different types of hair require different types of products, different skins, people use different products that might contribute to the smell as well. Any, please. Very important question. It's a really important question, if you don't mind, um, jumping. Thank you for having me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here, here's what I, before you answer, I told her that one thing I have, I have heard well before this, uhm, like in a joking way, but more than once, uh, from black guys was, was the, uh, I guess the, the expression or the, the statement, uh, white people smell like wet dogs. Uhm, I've heard that a few times. Sounds familiar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, what's the consensus here? Is this a common thing here, what this guy's saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do you smell any other race having a distinct smell or just white people? Like, do you feel like black people have any distinct smell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think, cause I think especially if a white person is not around a lot of black people often, when they are close to them for the first time, they're taking in products that they're not used to smelling. Yeah, products. Meaning like maybe it's something in the hair, maybe like the lotion on the skin. It's new to them, so that's what's distinct. Right, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, hair products are different for like different races basically, right? Those usually come with some type of scent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're saying that all that showering twice contributes to the smell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to deduce here, are we saying that the people like that do smell more or don't smell more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Patchouli, I would rather just smell like a morgue. Same. Than patchouli. Patchouli is revolting. So revolting. You wanna make my dick soft? Put some patchouli on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why it's always gotta be the same type of disgusting fucking white person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, they're the worst. I mean, I'm not for genocide, but I wouldn't exactly, you know, fucking object to rounding up the patchouli wearers and just putting them in a fucking fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this reminds me of the girl on the phone for 45 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the girl on the phone, this girl, we saw a girl in public, at a public place, and she...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just sat there, it's like in a park, like in a small park, okay, and she sat there on the phone for over 45 minutes. We had a whole, like we sat down, we had a meal, and the whole time she sat there with her


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, but how long? And then I saw, I watched her get up, walk, talk, and it was all not, it wasn't like she's on a bit. She was like, I had like, I was like, yeah. So I was about out the other night. I was like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I could hear like little bits and pieces of it and then like, you know, food comes, we eat, you know, we have our drink, they take the food away, they ask, do you want this? They bring the bill and she's just sitting there and she had her little slut nails, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All white. Yeah. When a girl has white finger and toenails, you know, she's like, just put it in my mouth. You know, like there's no, you don't have to fucking take me out. Just walk up to me and put it in my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we got up. Don't forget, we got up and we go, let's just walk near her to hear it. Cause at this point, I think it was over 45. We were like coming in an hour. It was ridiculous. And then she was like, we walked by her and we acted like we were looking at stuff. And she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, I mean, your battery's gonna fucking die on your phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we walked away and I go, I think she hung up. And she was, cause she was like this. I was like, she hung up. She's fine. She's just looking at her phone and she was like, yeah. So she went right back to it. I mean, it was by the time we left, it was an hour and 20 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right, it was kind of perform- it's like when somebody, uh, is in public, yells on the phone, you're like, you're doing this for everybody here. Oh, the best isn't- You know, I don't take any shit! And you're like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that if a girl drinks enough jizz, that her nails just turn white?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we're gonna take a quick break, alright? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Roman. Talking about erectile dysfunction isn't easy. Usually we just brush it off or blame ourselves with things, you know, we say things like, I lost my mojo or my knee hurts or I can't get it up in the morning. With Roman, it's easy to talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, it was so good seeing the teams back out on the gridiron over the weekend. Lucky for us, that was just week one. There was no better place to get in on all the action than with DraftKings, the leader in one day fantasy sports. To add to this week's excitement, DraftKings has


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Millions of dollars in total prizes up for grabs. If you haven't tried DraftKings yet, head to the App Store now because you don't want to miss this. Draft your lineup now and feel the sweat like never before. Every run, pass and catch means more with DraftKings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing adds to the excitement of watching the game like having a shot at millions of dollars in prizes. DraftKings has paid out billions of dollars to winners since 2012, so they know a thing or two about cold hard cash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Download the DraftKings app now and use code MOM for a limited time. New users can get a free shot at millions of dollars in prizes this week. Don't miss out on the week two action.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hilarious comedian, podcaster, the creator of Midnight Gospel on Netflix. You might see him roaming around Anchorage pretty soon. It's Duncan Trussell. Hey! Duncan! Hey man, Alaska's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a lot of people would be critical of just hearing that statement and go, you want your son to be face to face with a bear, but you're like, yeah, I want him to live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cool thing is like, you get so much of it, then you're like, you know, I don't want any more, and then you don't get any more. You know? Because then, then like, Earth says, we don't put sun here for a while. You got it. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so cool, man. It's an interesting place to be going to do, you know, like, your career up there, but I bet you'll come up with some cool shit out in the woods, hunting for meals, probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now is your wife, your current wife, open minded enough or is she dumb and not want you to have more wives?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a, you know, different days of the week belong to different people kind of thing, you know, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. With your situation. Well, I'm... Kirk and Raj and all those guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah. It's uhm, it's pretty intense man, I mean, I don't know what it's like to be in that, cause it sounds like you have like, how many brother husbands do you have?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah. But then it kinda makes you go, you know, where does Duncan fit in in all of this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. It kind of breaks my spirit for you, but I mean, you're a tough guy. I'll say this, I'm glad that your outlook on some of these sister wives coming up is more positive, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you have such an interesting mind to me and the way you see things. And you also know a lot of things. I would say I've had conversations with you where you've enlightened me so many times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coming out of the Alaskan wilderness, let's say in 25 years, it's like, oh look at the new Duncan. You know what I mean? Like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what I like here is the combination of anything that combines swastikas and penises is obviously exciting to I think most viewers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he just jizzed at the camera and was like, this is what I think of you guys out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, I'm glad you're getting educated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. A lot, a lot of shots taken there and oddly enough, I mean this obviously has to be a dated video. I never heard Obama, uh, speak back to this man. So, is that confirmation? There you go! There you go!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy. I think it's probably gonna be full of knowledge. Let's get right into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see the sculptures? The sculptures has holes. What goes into holes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this one would be painful because your mind would be the mind you have right now. I'd be like, the fuck are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But after, cause he would be relentless when you were like, no, he'd be like, shutting the door, locking again. And then the next day he'd be like, so let's talk about the symbols of the Christ. And you'd be like, yeah, yeah, they're fucking everywhere. I know. I'll start teaching your teachings. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's tying the two together, I think, just like homosexuality, satanic beliefs. It's all intertwined. Yeaah. It's bad. It's bad, it's evil, and it's all because his dick gets hard when he looks at cool looking guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is to, is to mask like what they're really doing and create like a false basically visual that sex is taking place or just? Yep. Yep. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I wanted to switch speeds here because you, uh, were so kind to send me a video a few weeks ago. And I told you, we talked about coming on and you're like, oh, check this out. So I, I, I bookmarked it and I have it here. Maybe you could tell us what's going on. May I just ask one question before we dive in? I'm so sorry. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that like, especially being penetrated anally, vaginally, you know, sometimes, I mean I've been with women who are like, why don't we start?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, it's all the way in. Stuff like that. You know? Uhm, I'm talking about older women. Long time ago, I mean. I know what you mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Many years ago, but then like, I feel like anally, you should give a little bit of like, Ooh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that kind of speaks to his elitism, I think. The fact that he was like, I'll lay on my back with my big whooshie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost like Mark was like, can I? And he was like, fine. I'll look out the window.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, did, uh, did Mark pay you to do this or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, put a little into it man. Put something into it. That's my hole. Yeah. That's where it fits. Okay, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine like a, do that like a spring, like a, like a hot spring day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, and then instead of like attacking you, he's like, this is a, he sees you as an equal. You know, like he's like starts rolling around in the mud with you. Imagine that, you're wrestling with a grizzly up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We uhm, we actually had something in this space, uhm, a long time ago, and a lot of people saw it as our original Might Make You Vomit clip. Uhm, it was like, it was, it was the line for a lot of people, and this is the clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oof. You're really playing with fire when you have the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't think that you know just how to handle a gimp just because you saw a segment on our show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have, you know, uh, you're gonna live with the Bears, but what actually prompted you to want to leave L.A.?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a weird vibe. It's a weird vibe, and it's a, I think it's a weirder vibe in LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, 2020's got one vibe and it's weird. It's weird and it's sad. But I also feel like, I kind of feel like that weirdness makes you go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it gets weirder, like you start to think about where you want to be, and I feel like this is not a city I want to be in when it gets weirder than this. Does that make sense? Like when you go like this, if this goes more sideways, this feels like not the place to ride this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it hit 120 in parts of the valley. Yeaah. That's pretty, pretty world class heat actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I saw you at that thing, you said, this is my wife. And I was like, okay. And then you said, you're like, yeah, my baby. I'm like, you had a baby. Okay. And I totally thought he, and I go, shut up. It's not your kid. Like whose baby is this? I thought he had made it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, yeaah. Like it, it was actually on mainstream news, they're like, it was confirmed, Pentagon is confirming that these are materials not of this earth, and people were like, well, so, uh, I don't know if you heard what Biden said, you're like, wait a minute, what? We're not gonna spend more time on this? It's not the lead story?


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[Assistant] What percentage of people do you think would like, depart if they were like, you can leave?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, yeah, hold on to that shit unless you need to, right? I mean, you know, you just reminded me so, so much of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you have a, I mean, so, I don't know if you experienced it a lot the way that, you know, that I did for instance. So, you know, it was like March.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, 10 or 11 and I do a show and they're like, you're supposed to do a show Saturday. Do you want to keep it? And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were just like, you know, there's this pen, you know, there's this virus and I was like, just move it to April, right? So you move your march shows to April. Yeah. April things are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking a turn for the worse, and they're like, I think we're gonna put these shows in May.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we moved the shows to May, you know, and then it's been like that progression and then emotionally it's been, uh, a ride too of like at first feeling like it's basically permission to take a break kind of from the whole grind of everything. And then it went into, you know, different levels of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finding, finding, uh, excitement in doing other things and everything from just reading, writing, uh, different ways to perform, like doing this, doing our live shows and like that was exciting. Then you still would get to like points of,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real quick, let me tell you this real quick, we had our cousins over, my cousin's my same age, he has two daughters, and they came over, and they brought, they had a food plate, and they brought it by my other son, and I saw him look at it, and I go, do not grab that, and do not throw that. And they both went like, they looked at me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so amazing. I'm serious. I love, I love this product. I love the fact that it analyzes everything I do, physically, and I have so much insight into how what I'm doing affects how my body functions. I love it. 100%. Seeing the strain, seeing the recovery, seeing how I slept, I'm just obsessed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my strain on my tennis yesterday. Went after it and then I had horrible sleep last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's more. There's more people leaving. I know. I mean, I don't want to like tell everybody's stuff because I don't know. Spoilers. But I've talked to now a few more people who have left. We've looked at it, you know, we've looked at it. We've looked at Texas, Idaho, Wyoming, Alaska. Yeah. Breaks my heart. And here's the deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we have like no mental health care for a mental health epidemic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like, obviously one of the most, you know, it's the highest state income tax in the nation. It's a, we're a very taxing state and you go, you kind of go, is the trade off though that it is like a utopia where you see that it's beautiful and that these progressive ideas in reality are just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, that also brings about, it's like, it's so insane, a lot of people don't know about, uh, federal tax rates for corporations, like it's so crazy that we have the headquarters of Facebook, we have the headquarters of Apple, the most, the most


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The highest, the most extreme, uh, you know, cash rich company in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The highest tax value. Facebook, you got, uh, what else is here? Amazon headquarters? I don't know if there are headquarters in Arkansas, but we have Tesla headquarters. Just multi-billion dollar corporations. What did they pay in taxes last year?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zero. Zero. Zero dollars. These are companies that deal with trillions of dollars. Trillions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's designed, the system is designed where it's like, you have a trillion dollar corporation, what do you pay? Well nothing. That's, that's my benefit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think that the, you know, people say, well that's gone, so then how do we solve it? And then when people start pushing true socialism, like there's socialist ideas within, that can function within our society, and then there's like, no, I want


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what people will say when someone brings it about, but I think a lot of people just go, no, that's just what an incredibly wealthy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The society should be social. Like, we've seen socialism in nations fail horrifically. Horrifically. So badly. I mean, you look at Venezuela, it always comes to mind. I was like, such a, just a terrifyingly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could be saved by one and only president. He could save it for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're 328 million people to choose from and we got the two fucking best that we can eat. The best. The two best guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna be looking at that, things like that. When they summarize complicated topics, you say, what are we gonna do about this situation? You know, we're gonna take a look. A lot of things could happen. You're like, holy shit. You broke that down for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, who do you pick? Who do you pick? Did you hear the uhm, the hot mic? The Trump hot mic for before the interview? No. This is real, this is kind of funny. Uhm, this is just, it's just, it's silly but it's just funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To go to a strip club with him would be a fun night. Fun, fun, fun, fun. And then like as we left, if he was like, you think I should be president? I'd be like, nah man, that's fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, simple as people think, for sure. Oh, yeah man, I mean come on. When he was elected, they never expected to win. They never expected to win. The polls, the whole team, they never expected to win. You guys chat, I'll be right back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not like, oh my god, I just fell in love. This is, you know, it's an arrangement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know one thing that does, you do bring about though, that I often wonder, especially right now when we're leading up to an election, you sit around and you go, all we do is complain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About our options, right? We go like, look who's fucking senator here, look who's this congressperson, look who's running for president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go, and then you have all these voices of like people smarter than us, more in tune with what's going on, they know everything, and you're like, hey, why don't you fucking take care of things? Why don't you run? Like why are the options just these narcissistic egomaniacs? How about one of these really compassionate


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, some of the shit, like the, I mean I'll vote for him too, but like the, like I've never understood what the story, like I watched him do the, in the pool and the kids would come and the hair on my leg, why are you telling the story? What is this about man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy when you think about it because like if you bring up the Olympics, what you do is you go, I want to be an Olympian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jump over any threshold, you just get to go like, I want to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that also, the big problem I see, like today, is that people want, everybody wants to know who you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pro-choice and everybody goes, I know everything about that guy. And that's all I need to know. And you're like, no, no, no. People are complicated creatures. But there's this desire to have to know exactly somebody right away and then just identify them. Put them in a space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people were bored after Obama. And we took this crystal meth right to the eyeball. And I think a lot of people are like, you know what, I kinda wanna chill out for a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, just that alone, just what you're saying right now, which is medically sound, straightforward, that is now a polarizing thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very powerful. Uhm, so yeaah, and that's also just a message to a lot of the male listeners out there. Don't give away your virginity. Don't come. Hold onto it and let's save it for that special person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can get some, uh, high, high ranking people from the, the gram on the phone to, to, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say that you like him, fine, but don't tell me that you're like, he's like me, he's a Christian. What? You cannot actually believe that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He believes the earth's gonna open up and bad people will fall into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like he knows that this guy is full of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anybody knows with any sense, and he's sensed enough to have been, you know, he's a broadcaster, he's a governor of us, like he has enough sense to know, like, this guy's full of shit on another level. He's gotta be like, mmm, he always has that look on his face where he's like, it's gonna be a good fart if I could just push a little harder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doctors will help, you know, like the medical world will help you. The government protects you and keeps you safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, you know, like law enforcement will do the right, like these are things that like from, it's what you probably teach your kids, right? Like, you know, that's people that keep you safe. These people protect you and you know, these things are nice because they were put here for you. Like the people that care about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both sides of, of like the media, left and right media, both lean into hysteria. They both, because there's, there's eyeballs and there's dollars in getting either side, like whether you go like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, you know, trumps the end of the world and that's your news agenda? Then that's going to attract eyeballs. And if you go, no, no, no, he's a savior. And then everything else, like they're both neither side tries to be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. It used to not be. It used to not be. Right? I mean, like, I remember, like, being a kid, I've always watched the news, right? And as a kid, my dad was a big news guy, so we would watch the news. Dude, news, I don't remember anyone's personality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you would just watch, like CNN used to have, it would just be like, you just put another body in the sea and they'd be like, here's what happened today. And they're just straight forward. Then you put on network news. Same thing. Dan Rather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings, straight forward, you know, you did not know that people, you'd have to learn that somebody had a political leaning. You would never have any idea about that. That's right. But now it's completely shifted into


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Personality driven because personality driven is the money maker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it done for a good reason? Probably not. Probably because he's like, oh, a super famous person will like me if I do this. But still, the results are good and it should be reported as such.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I think one of my favorite types of talks is the public, you know, outcry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The uh, the spam message. She's basically yelling at spam messages. You can, you can message people. Yes, and you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's a question that- I've heard this a lot, but we had this discussion before you came. We brought in Eni, uh, who works here, who's black, and he said that this is a very, you know, I've heard it as well outside of this clip, uhm, black Americans saying that, you know, white people smell like wet dogs. Yeah, I've heard that. Wet dogs. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In communities where maybe they're not exposed to white people as often. In other words, day to day interactions aren't as frequent. So when you do encounter somebody that's of, you know what I mean, like groups that like stay together and then they encounter someone new, you go, Oh my God. It's like, you go to like, uh, like we were talking about like Korean food, right? Has a very distinct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even if you go to like a Korean restaurant here that's like hardcore in K-town and you walk in and you're like, you're the white guy there, man, like the restaurant smells different, people are like, I think this is more like maybe less interaction, but there's definitely a thing I've heard of white people smelling like white guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good question. It really is. I mean I would love for this to be studied more. I really would. I hope they do. I bet they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and you know, you have like, it's all, I think celebrities sometimes will make you, like with this Chadwick, you know, Bozeman dying, and like none of us or most people didn't know he was sick, and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I actually thought you were gonna say when you brought up there's no milk, and that like your wife had been ordering it, that you were gonna be like, and then she realized how dumb she was for not ordering milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I really fantasize that I should become, I should train to be a skydiving instructor and my whole thing would be to strap people on and just lean in there and be like, I don't think this shoot's gonna open. And when they're like, what the fuck? And I'm like, I gotcha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By singing in nursery. He has the process of overdefinitely gonna die right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your turn's coming up, I'm sure, this week, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I uhm, I, uh, I was looking at actually doing a date in Anchorage, so maybe I'll run into you, you know? That'd be cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On previous videos, I have pointed out that this is actually the figure of a naked woman, and the crotch is formed by a bird form. This sign on the penguin's cage constitutes a phallic symbol, and in fact represents the male genitalia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please notice that the Latin name for this bird includes the word impanus. Now that is not accidental.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The artist chose this bird for a reason. And that's because the bird standing upright is phallic, the shape of the sign is phallic, and even the name is phallic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you approach the Denver airport, you are immediately struck by this gigantic statue of a blue fiberglass horse. Many of the shapes on the horse's tail and mane are phallic shapes, and of course it is a masculine horse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next, let's take a look at the layout of the Denver airport. Any other videos on YouTube have shown that this is in the shape of a swastika. But there's one video that also points out that the outdoor baggage hailing area is in the shape of a phallus. Let's take a closer look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now this photograph was taken on a snowy day, which makes this area actually a little clearer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course as Christians we need to understand that the phallic symbol is a powerful symbol, and many pagan religions worship the phallus because it's a symbol of life. But we know there is a more powerful symbol which negates the phallic symbol, and that is the cross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And those of us who have been washed in the blood of the Lamb understand that phallic worship is satanic and evil. And the designers of the Denver Airport


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you do just for laughs, or they don't, they don't? They've done a bunch of the shows, but they haven't done all the shows. Oh, I see. So they've done like... Cause they do, they do a good job, right? They do a good job, yea, yea, yea, of course, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was talking to a statue at first. I'm like, oh, now they're crazy. It's such an aggressive way to start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of that last building. Have you never been to like St. Regis? That's true. He should not have a fan on the ceiling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Let's see. So here she is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a real cracker phrase. Is he dressed Amish on purpose? He just does his videos very early in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like my dog, I'm afraid of fireworks, so I turn up my TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Really good. Do you think that's who's watching TV? That's a good question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing I need to be put on the repertoire, uhm, machine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's Mexican, half white, and this is her dad by law. We got it. Because it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Arranged marriages are a form of abuse. Oh, stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait till you see the video! It looks great!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem with bite veganism is that it's rooted in self-ego and about being better and above from others. That is settler colonialism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It got really hot here in Los Angeles, California, and so I got sick of it. Yeah, I was, I realized after the fact how ridiculous I looked, you know? I was like, oh, I was just letting everything grow everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, here and there, you know, quarantine has put a bit of a hamper on things, but uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's like, well, I mean, if you know somebody or whatever, if you have, it's just kinda like, we're gonna have sex, you know what I'm saying? Cause it's like, there's no place to go, there's no pomp and circumstance or rituals or anything anymore. There's no bars, you can't just like, maybe we'll get a drink. There's no putting up airs. It's, we're just gonna fuck now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's better than Zoom, it's pretty hands on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait. No, I'm down. I want, you know, the pain part. I'm like, you know, obviously not looking forward to, but the rest of it sounds fun. What if the dick cage is roomy? I haven't seen it yet. What if you really like it? It's so heavy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if I like it? I don't know about that. It's heavy, huh? It's really metal. What does it anchor itself to? My actual- is it just gonna hang on my dick? Maybe to stretch it out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope. I've got my same tits still that God gave me. Have not put them back on. I did use them actually to film that video when, uh, I was one of the actors who was appalled at the racism and all that. Right, right. I will not be silenced or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is more, uh, well, it's multi-layered. I thought I'd talk about perhaps Christina's two favorite things, sports and public masturbation. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sports? But, uh, yeaah, so I, the first gentleman we have here is one that we could maybe sympathize with. His name is Reese McGuire. Man is only 25 years old. Young man. Young man. When this incident happened, he was 24 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you know, I've already kind of alluded to what the theme of the topic is, but let's hear a little, uh, we have a tape of Rhys getting pulled over by a police officer, um, in the folder there, if you want to listen to some of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Reese was in a parking lot nearby his apartment that he was in for spring training and he decided to pull on over and start cranking it in his car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a parking lot. In a parking lot. Like a store parking lot? Like a strip mall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it seems reasonable. Was it nighttime? Right, it was daytime. Kind of early in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but here's my question. Have you ever publicly masturbated? And by publicly I mean like, in a dangerous situa- like he wasn't necessarily beaten it in public, but he-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, as a comic, I feel like every comic has jerked off in a rest stop or something right along the way. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna out anyone in the room over there, but I pulled the room before the show today. Two people said they did not publicly masturbate, and one said that they did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone called the cops, that was a song, cause he was like, he didn't do a good enough, uh, recap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like outside the dollar store, like maybe looking at porn on his phone, you know. But now, I mean, again, he's a young kid. He made a mistake. He's the catcher of the Toronto Blue Jays. He's having a rough year. It's a little, it's fucking with him. You know, he's charged with a misdemeanor, uh, could be a, could become a sex predator for this. And, uh, also,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, now he's getting trolled, like the other day he was playing for the Braves. Just shit talk is one thing, right? Like from other players. He was playing against the Braves and the organist for Atlanta played beat it when he was coming to the plate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm already in trouble, man. I just wonder, because he had very, like, that sounded, all of that sounded like post-nuclarity coming out, like an idiot, all that stuff, so, you know, I didn't get a good look at his pants though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have just denied out of my ass that I was masturbating, unless I was like, bah bah bah, and then I heard-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause see the unfortunate thing about an incident like this is it could just be a young guy jerking off in a car. Yeah. Or it could lead to other things or it could be a sign of other, uh, bad things that could go on from that person. So the cops have to figure out is this person just a fucking idiot or are they fucking like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stories about this guy. I mean this one is very much more aggressive. Way more. And, uh, I mean sure it involves cranking it quite a bit in public, but this one he wants people to see. He'd be like jerking it in the locker room and putting it in a team meeting. He'd go up to Joe Montana and be like, you know you want to suck this. Sweet ass Joe Montana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he would, he would, he would jerk the completion. There was incidents where they'd walk into a meeting room and he'd be on the floor just being like, you know, you wish you had this and he'd be cranking his dick on, on the fucking thing. You know, he'd do it in the, in the locker room to like female reporters and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fucking fire hose. Yeah. Really? Yes. And that's what he was so proud of it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is like, imagine if Burt was like, no, fucking look at it. Yeah, if he was, and then he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, the guys would laugh it off like he was frat boy Charlie over here, but then he would jizz, and they'd be like, okay, that's a little-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, I mean this one is legit, uh, psychopathic levels of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like there were the early signs, like he had moments like our boy Reese in the beginning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, he was in the, that was like the air, and he was drafted in the first round, I mean he was supposed to be a superstar, and his father's a legend, so introductory season, right after he's drafted, his father comes to Cleveland, they're supposed to do a photo shoot and stuff, or like a video promo to be like the father and son, the legacy, blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so they show up at the team facility in Berea. The father's there, the Browns people are there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kellen Winslow Jr. is not there. And they're like, huh, where is he? And they notice his Hummer is across the street at a guest parking lot. And they're like, that's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they sent one of the team people over to go check it out to see like, I wonder why his car's here, we haven't seen him, you know? And he was in the backseat looking at porn, cranking it. When he was supposed to be at an appointment. So yea, weird time, yea, he just had to really get one out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comparatively to when it happened because time went on and the man was still on the team for a couple seasons and notoriously his teammates would request not to be his roommates on the road


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also to not sit with him on the plane because this man, uh, he was known to, like Nadav, jerk off on flights, only he wouldn't go to the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This isn't the case with Kellen Winslow Jr. as he was going on business trips to other areas to, you know, with his teammates. To compete in the professional game of football. Yeah, he would sit down and he'd be like, hey, what's up, uh, Joe Thomas? And he would like pull out his DVD player and play hardcore pornography on it just in front of everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So those are just some of the tales that you hear about Kellen Winslow Jr. on the road. And like Reese, uh, you know, these things are like, well, that's a little weird. Well, Kellen Winslow Jr., the reason he's being taken in handcuffs here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is because he was convicted of a multitude of rapes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you think like, I had a curiosity. I'm like, was this his fetish? Was this what he's into? It turns out this is just a classic case of preying on the vulnerable. Sure. He was just raping whoever he could, really. Right, and they don't run. Was he breaking into homes? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, let's go through the charges here. There's an array of them. And again, they all have the same...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, uh, he was making lewd gestures toward a 77 year old woman while she worked out. Uh, a jury remained helplessly deadlocked on eight other charges. Uh, also,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he was charged with breaking into the homes of two other women, ages 86 and 71, uh, where he was believed intending to rape those women, so yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, he was convicted on, uh, expo- Well, here we go, he was exposing himself to the 59 year old woman in the middle of the spring day, blah blah blah, uh, the lewd gestures, uh, so I guess, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in part convicted, so some of the charges look up and down. So, I don't know, I guess maybe he didn't get charged for the rape or- Can you look that up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he's been doing this for, I mean, this could have gone back to his college days. Good night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's such a menace, like it's bizarre how long he got away. Like the fact that it all rolled out at once. Good seeing you man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We saw the spectrum, that's all, you know, we got, we go from Reese, we should have started with Kellen Winslow Jr., maybe, got him out of the way and then ended on a happy note like Reese McGuire, who's just a poor guy trying to get a nut off when he's got three roommates during spring training.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. You know, I'm not like a homophobe or anything like that. I just don't know that I would get, I would be able to perform in a gay arena.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm the other way around, you have to be like, oh really, that's the amount?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 20 grand? Come on, dude. I have a little pride. Uh, yeaah, I'm trying to think, maybe like a six figure amount? Oh, like 100,000? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot of money. It's not bad. It's a good amount of money. It's more than women make for doing that kind of thing or gay porn. I would say the going rate for something like that would be like 4G's. 4G's? For like a regular. Right, for regular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, would I get pegged? It depends on the size of the thing and the girl. Small, it's small. Yea, I would entertain a small apparatus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, I've, uh, I recently experimented with a young lady who had the, uhm, desire to do those types of things. We never got around to it. But we've, we, uh, what's the word, like, breached the area, you know, like went through the steps. So, you know, I'm not adverse to it, I suppose. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made very, uhm, I mean this was all plotted out so I made very like extraordinary plans to like make sure that that wouldn't happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How's that? I just didn't eat the day before. I had a surprise thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, you know, we got the cameo going, we got the twitch going, you know, anything to stay alive during the time of no stand up. I don't know, maybe this is my life forever, I'm starting to feel that way, I don't know when I'll do stand up ever again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, do you think you'll do it again? I really want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so everything I'm doing, everything I have is pushed also. I have November, but who knows? Yeah. And so we'll see. But, uh, yeah, Twitch and, uh, Cameo hit me up on those things. Let's rock and roll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A man making love to another man's anus is unnatural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is where I believe, with a 90%, uh, no, make that 95%, uh, chance that this is in fact the very place


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, you know, there was, so we upload the videos ahead of time, you know, and we schedule it so that if YouTube flags anything, we have time to address whatever they flagged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, you know, we had to reupload this week's episode with Taylor Tomlinson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, cause there's the, there's the normal YouTube version and then there's the channel member version. Okay, okay. So I checkboxed both of the Taylor Tomlin episodes or so I thought. And then I clicked a button that said delete forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I see that one of the ones that I deleted didn't have a zero in the view count. It had just under half a million. And I was like, oh no. And I realized that I misclicked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I clicked the wrong box, and I accidentally deleted last week's episode. But I immediately, uh, I texted you, letting you know what happened. And, you know, before you rained down on me, I do want to let you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That yesterday was one of the worst days of my life because of the anticipation of what's coming right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like, I s- I slept maybe two hours last night. Like, I couldn't eat dinner. Like, I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, that would be nice to see. I'd like to see the freak out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it definitely was panic. Can I get Zolo on here for a second? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first time, yeaah. And then on the second one, it didn't make the cut. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I could make myself not eat. I mean, I probably will have trouble eating lunch today too. You could watch that. That's fun for you, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, it is ma, it's limited ads, and it'll be put in front of less people. But, you know, for the, the majority of the views come, come during the first week, and so we got, we got the half a million. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it is deleted forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says old UK commercial on faggots from Burdite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is a lady with a legit English as a second language YouTube channel and people go to her to learn how to, you know, to learn how to speak English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she's an old timey star. Starlet. By the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this is bad advice, but I'd say maybe tattoos, piercings, right? People like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No yea, cause it's like, if, if you're gonna, if, if grandma or mom would like you, turn into something that grandma and mom won't like. Interesting. Tribal tattoos, gauger ears, snake bites, like septum piercing, eyebrows, that crazy industrial bar that people have sometimes. This is a little, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's leaning back, he can't watch what's on the screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said you might not get sick, but it's a bad idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean, you know, in all honesty, I love all of Christina's TikToks. Okay, here, I'll do one more. Thank you!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm doing my best as a frontline worker and as a mom of a six year old to get sleep at night, but uhm, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A week ago I actually applied to get a discount on a mattress, uh, for being a frontline worker and I was told no because I wasn't a nurse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi Christina and Tom, this is Chris, I'm moving from Seattle, Washington to Los Angeles, California. I quit my salary job during the global pandemic and took a commission only job. Uhm, you both have spoken of working really hard in your life to get to where you are today, and that's what I'll be doing, but unfortunately with my car completely full of my items, there's no mattress on top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't have a bed, I have a sleeping pad. So that Sofa mattress would do me very well. Your YouTube has kept me smiling through some tough times in my life this last year. Uh, whoever gets this mattress will deserve it. Appreciate everything you guys do. I'll be keeping it high and tight and following Proto and, uh, feathering it in LA just for you guys. Uh, have a great one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shant here. Great meeting you guys the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you can see, I have no crown molding. No fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sealant or duct tape is gonna cover that up. So now we've just been living on a mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they've gone easy on the spice because kids don't like them too spicy. Apparently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is gonna be fun. What do you mean? Why wouldn't it be fun? Okay. What happened? Nothing. Well, you're saying that something happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You fucking piece of shit! This is our country! I was just going-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pissed the fuck off. I'm getting comments on my videos saying I'm Russian this, I'm Russian that when I'm really actually Jewish. This is my Jewish kippa. It's a Jewish headwear. Just put it on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pissed the fuck off. I'm getting comments on my videos saying I'm Russian this, I'm Russian that when I'm really actually Jewish. This is my Jewish kippa. It's a Jewish headwear. Jews put it on their heads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If homeless, check applicable sleeping location, your babies, wherever you get free food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number of strokes to climax. Last item placed in ass. Last location of public urination. Last location of public sex act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Poly people slash NRE friendly. Oh and this is great too, catchphrase and then women should


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. People are bored as fuck. Yeaah. They're bored out of their minds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sam, how are you? We're here in Killarney today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just made aware of the followers that I had that they have been unfollowed and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The majority of mine that I follow are usually musicians that I support, uh, upcoming artists on every media that I have. But if you send me a message and want to be followed,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will definitely follow everyone that lets me know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Girl, we have different religions. My religion embraces diversity. Just respect each other. Love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just wanna say hi to everyone. Hope everybody's having a blessed day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, I'll let everyone get ya on the flip flop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well I called the LAPD, I was in the lobby, I heard you guys talking, I didn't know he was missing, you know, I haven't seen him in a while myself, so then I just, I made a report, and uh, they said they'll, you know, they'll look at, you know, I described him, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, check on him. I was like, you know, he's red-haired, he's bigger, a Jewish fella. Can you be on the lookout, you know? Because I haven't seen him in weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, cool. Oh, weeks. Yeah, I mean, I haven't seen you guys in weeks either, but, you know, so I didn't know where he was. So I made a report, but also more pressing, I think, for the YMH world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This just dropped hours ago. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said that we might be banning TikTok in the United States.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this is what happens when you fuck with daddy Trump's rallies. This is the consequences.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're scared that China has your information. Are you scared that China has your information?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm wondering, I mean, well, are we gonna delete all the apps that they stole our information on? You know what I mean? Like, you know, maps. Like things like that. My banking app. But yea, so that's tough. That's really sad. Yea, but that's what happens, you know. India.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought, uh, have you seen Deshaun Jackson? You know, a lot of athletes are doing activism right now. It's a time for that. You know, being in quarantine, that's their stages of quarantine. And so Deshaun Jackson has decided to share


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a wide receiver who has reunited with the Philadelphia Eagles. He started his career there and now he's back on the team, coming back for one last go around. And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he's been on a lot of their, their very well performed teams. I mean, he was on the team in 2013 when


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great headline, I mean I can't see it, but I'm sure it's, uh, it states what I'm about to tell you. Yeah. Well yeah, he was posting a lot of quotes from Louis Farrakhan, who is noted anti-Semite and homophobic person, leader of the Islamic nation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, people were like, hey, that's, a lot of those quotes seem, uh, anti-Semitic there. And he was like, listen, I don't have any hate for anyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was like, how can I really hammer home that I don't have any hate for Jewish people? Uh, he, so he said he thought, I'ma quote Hitler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's the way that he doubled down. Yeaah, he thought he would quote Hitler, and this is what the quote was. It turns out Hitler didn't even say it. But the quote was, uh. But he thought Hitler said it? But yeaah, he attributed it to Hitler. That was what he assumed said it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, the quote is, uh, the Jews will blackmail America. They will extort America. Their plan for world domination won't work if the Negroes know who they are. Adolf Hitler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yeah, so that's like I just like to picture him at home being like how can I prove I like Jewish people? I'm a cool Hitler. Let's see how those jerseys


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is what's happening now, people are retroactively canceling Riley Cooper. I remember that. Because in 2013, another receiver for the Eagles, Riley Cooper, who looks like his name sounds like a fucking American flag off a Chevy truck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kenny Chesney concert. So, yeaah, then he called a security guard, uh, n-word, and he said I'll fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and now people are like, you're racist if you cut Deshaun Jackson for being racist. Because you didn't cut Riley Cooper for being racist. So you're actually racist if you cut Deshaun Jackson for being racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it was pretty gross. They had a squab, but they got that ring!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in the sports front, I thought this was applicable because uhm, one of my favorite baseball bloggers wrote a blog entitled uhm, look at this fat fucking piece of shit Pablo Sandoval. Jared Karabas wrote this blog. Really? And uh, it's because this picture leaked, you have the picture there, that picture that I noted for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's my question to you as a per- and we have Tom here who is a product of positive fat shaming. Yeah. Uh, by Jared Karabas, the man who wrote this blog is starting to- people are clutching their pearls saying like, how dare you fat shame


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big Panda, that's his name, Big Panda. Uh, but this man has actually, uh, the reason he didn't sign with the San Francisco Giants when he had his contract up the first time around. He won three rings, er, three, uh, World Series with them. He went to the All-Star game twice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They wanted to re-sign him, but they wanted to put a fat clause in his contract. Like, you can't gain X amount of weight. And he was like, I'm never gonna be able to do that. So he went to the Red Sox, who didn't put a fat clause in. And then he got super fat. I mean, I have another picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, so he's had these weight issues for quite some time, but hey, I say God bless him. He's made so much fucking money as a fat piece of shit. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, in this regard. But, and there's another story in that blog, uh, that he would fill his Gatorade bottles with Coca-Cola.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so it makes me ask you the question, can Burt play professional baseball?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if this guy can fucking do it, why can't Burke? I don't know, what position is he playing? He plays a little bit of that, he's one of those like, uh, utility guys, but he plays first base and third base mostly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have to kind of be on the ball there. Third base I feel like is the laziest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean he was, I mean he's been enough to fuckin' warn a couple contracts here and there, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he drinks Coca-Cola during the game, like. Oh my god. Burt could do that. For sure. And not Kool-Aid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would drink all that Kool-Aid, he would never cramp up. He ran a fucking marathon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there still must be a utilitarian purpose for checking weight of these flight attendants because it's like, you can't have a fucking house on there weighing more than the drink cart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They stopped shaming them for being like not pencil thin and hot, but they were like, now it's like, if you're 400 pounds, they gotta be like, listen, we can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine, I did have a plumper one one time, that every time she passed me, my elbow was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I do wish the diversity came into play for the airlines is I wish there were more cool black guys as flight attendants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like real cool black guys would just be like, I would never be scared on a plane again. Like if we're in turbulence and that guy's like, pssh, I'll be like, alright, sweet, okay, we're safe. This is a cool black guy. Yea, yea, he's like, composed, composed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. Oh, interesting. Uh oh. We just had our lights flicker here. Is that the ghost of Nadav?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did have one last story though that I've been saving because I thought I wanted to talk to you about it so much. Uhm, I don't know if you noticed, you love Jada and Will Smith. They've allowed someone else into their lives if you haven't seen. Jada and Will have allowed Jada


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To sleep with a gentleman named August A- Is it Asleen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is real. This is real. Not alleged. This is, the man has come out to speak about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Will is on board, Will's like, he approved of August.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's been some, I threw the question out there on Twitter, people came back with a few answers, a few theories. Do you think you got to fuck a lady? Mmm, there's more speculation on the other side, but hey, who knows, you know? And I am wondering if Will watched. And who is August Elsina? He's a musician, I found out. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's what I was gonna ask you, you're in a marriage, you've, uh, you've, uh, Christina just asked you, imagine, like, you're watching your Netflix, and dude comes downstairs, he's like, what's up, dawg, she's asleep, bro, and then you guys just watch Netflix together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, what you got on there, and then you just like, post stuff next to you? Like, are you cool with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. But the cameras and shit aren't on that shit. Gosh. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was fine, it wasn't, it wasn't as good as I, I realized coming out of that I needed to do it every day. You know, I needed to be back. That was just a tease.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was actually more depressing, like I didn't, it actually probably saved me because I didn't leave my hotel room once other than to do the shows. So that probably was good for social distance reasons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've accepted it now, I feel like this is my life, I just do shoulder hair porn and uh, tit cups and I uh, play video games for money, so that's what I, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's what I am, you know, if comedy comes back, great, but I can live like this. You know, I did it. My room is clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you get a new script? Yep. I have to do that eventually. I just talked to somebody about that. I'm noticing lights in the distance are getting blurrier. I'm like, oh boy, it's time. Oh boy. We gotta upgrade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, is he good? Can he do the heavy duty shit? Oh yea. Alright, good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's all I found in the news. Everything else is, uh, you know. Yeah. Pretty shitty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, now it's, now we're deep in it, I mean, who knows when we're gonna come out, so, this is what it is baby, let's rock!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sure. This whole date is a surprise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My house caught on fire. I don't remember much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All I know is that I barely survived. I ended up in the hospital with bandages all over my body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It turned out half of my body was covered in burns. The fire burned me bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was how other people would stop and stare at me. Those fucking bitches. Big laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won't let you treat Sam that same way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Sam, I'm really sorry for the way that Brett's treated you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sure. This whole date is a surprise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The store has moves. All the merch is now at store.ymhstudios.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Sattva. Head on over to Sattva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And once you're there, you get $225 off any mattress of your choice. We've had them all. We've had the luxury firm Satva. We've had the memory foam loom and leaf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we have the all new Solair that moves and vibrates and glows in the dark. That thing is the best, man. Sits up for TV, zero gravity setting for when you just wanna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not so good mattress and they installed that amazing new Saatva. So go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit and get two hundred and twenty five dollars off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody has, it doesn't matter what you do. I don't care if you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry. I want to say what's up to all my queens above 18. And uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope you had a great week. Uhm, there's a lot, there's a lot to get into. Number one, we have a whole new store, new websites all around, but the new store is store.ymhstudios.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in this store, it houses, uhm, all of our stuff, but it also


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they did a great job. So uhm, thank you very much. Uh, that's where everything is now, if you wanna support. And there's, there's a bunch of new stuff coming to the store. There's things like, uh, holiday stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Limited vinyl things that are, have been, uhm, just sent over there. So we're very excited about it. Thank you guys as always for supporting that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the other huge thing that we have to announce is of course


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On Friday, November 20th, tickets are on sale at ymhvirtual.com and you'll probably hear me say this a few times only because it's been brought to my attention so much. If you feel like you're definitely going


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only, uhm, hiccup or problem that exists on the day of the show is that so many people go


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A few days in advance, it's much easier. You'll get the access code and it will be available


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For you to watch, we're extending the, because it's gonna be Thanksgiving week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best family entertainment would be get together with everybody and be like, you know what? You guys gotta sit down and watch this. This is my favorite podcast and they do an incredible show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can tell you a couple of things. There's going to be a special musical guest on the show. Um, there's going to be a, a, a special celebrity guest and it is the return of my sister, OMG Maria.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] OMG Maria has not been on the show in a long time and she used to be legendary and she's coming back just for that live show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, long before it was trendy, Maria was paving the way. I mean, Maria, if you don't know, she would, she would call in regularly and she would vent about, she's since


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she used to drink, uhm, like, four or five times a day, like these...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Triple macchiato things at a certain temperature, caramel drizzle on the bottom of the cup, on the side of the cup, uh, top of the blah blah blah blah blah blah. And she would get so, and then she was like these lazy fucking cunts, don't know how to make it, and I was like, oh my.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is like growing up with someone who speaks another language. Cause I would see, people would go, what? And then I go, she really wants you just to bring another fork. And they'd be like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, she wants, she wants you to use a little bit of oil when you prepare this, not like butter or anything. And I go, okay. And she's like, I know you can do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the ladies out there. And since you're the only lady here, what do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it. I get, I get what the staff did. They're like, ah, we found a Tom look alike and then this will be funny. I get it. But, um, like, look, I feel like I'm looking in the mirror right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean I think he just has like some lesions, and like some acne, and then uhm, there's just a hole, like a pretty decent sized hole in the middle of his face, but he's like, I mean, what's up with you ladies, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I would first just like get some, like get a bandage. You know what I mean? No, seriously. Like why wouldn't you just put a bandage on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you know what, have a medical professional do it. I wouldn't even do it myself. I would just go to like a nurse and be like, do you notice something? Can you cover it for me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cover it for me. Yeah. Before I make a video about how women are trippin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women are unbelievable in that. I mean, they, there's no comparison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got weird wrists and you're like what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like any guy that they like, no matter his physical flaws. They see the value in the personality, the sense of humor, you know, the good nature. Like I feel like you see that so much more from women than from men. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That in and of itself lets me, and I've seen men that you cannot believe have a girlfriend or wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and it, and they found it. So like, the idea that this guy, you know, he's down, I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That also goes for women, cause like, women that are really beautiful and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He probably has, I bet he has a real, like, an explanation for it, which is fine, but just like, just chill on making videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like, just be like, hey, I'm about to shoot a video, I'm gonna get a hat. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll show you right now. This is exactly what he used to do. Hey, I got a question for women out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you allow people to fuck their moms?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, I used to fuck my mom. So, let's see, sexual relations between family members who are not spouses, formerly known as incest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Incest often can be charged as a violation of a different law such as child molestation, child abuse, child molestation, rape, or statutory rape. Okay, let's be clear here. We're talking about ADULTS having sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking about somebody who's, you know, 25, having sex with their 55 year old mom. That shouldn't be a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it looks like what they're trying to do with the fake news media and some of these motherfuckers in Washington are saying is no, you can't fuck your mom. What I'm here to tell you is that you can fuck your mom or your dad as long as you don't flaunt it. As long as you don't, you know, make it a big thing and post videos of it online. I'm encouraging you to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As an adult, have sex with your parents, have sex with your siblings, but do it behind closed doors and do it as consenting adults.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you can't, and here's the thing, legally, they don't see the upside to that. And what you're gonna have to do is pretend. You're gonna have to put rings on each other's fingers and say, you know, do a ceremony in your living room, but you can't announce that you're marrying. I wouldn't announce that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would have to say I'd marry my dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just get along so well. And I think that like getting along is kind of the key to America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad would be so upset to have sex with me. Like, I feel like just talking to him a few times, I don't think he would do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. He's one of those guys still that he's old enough to not have the idea that you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you don't answer calls you don't know. Like he still will, he'll answer any phone call. You know what I mean? Like, you know how anybody like under 50 is like, oh, it's a, it's a number I don't recognize. I'll just let this go. My dad's still like, who are you? What do you want from me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, every number that I, I think every once in a while, I'll see a certain number where I'll be curious. I'm like, Oh, is this somebody like my agency's office or something? I don't answer. But I feel like 95% of the time, if it's just a number I don't answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the other worst thing is? When like, when friends call. Like, uh, unless it's somebody you feel like talking to, like when one of your friends starts calling, I'm like, what are you calling me for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Tiger Belly. No, that's Bad Friends. Bad Friends, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm being honest with you, mix them up. Mix them together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, it's fine. You're taking two milligrams. Yeah. Cross Fados Barbados, dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think people should be able to marry, uh, their parents and their siblings if they want to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, okay, well hold on. Do you object to just the act of, uh, of people in their own family having sex with each other?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, just to be clear, you've never thought about having sex with any of your siblings or your parents or anything like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, cool. Well now, the point is clear, and although everybody here is disappointed, I'm glad that you were honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you are. Look, I gotta run, but I'm gonna call you, I'll call you later, okay? I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what we haven't even addressed yet, because we record these in advance? The election was yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. I don't think, I don't, I wonder if you're watching this right now, we don't know, I don't know if the election results are known yet, like by the time this is coming out, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. It's really weird to have your dad be like, I'm not attracted to you. It is weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's what happened. On our way here I stopped to get coffee and I get out and of course I put my mask on and I went and I got a coffee and I see a lady sitting there with a pug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On her lap, right? At this coffee place. And I'm right away, I'm like, this bitch. You know, I knew she was trying to get attention and she's using it to get laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I go, nice pug you fucking whore. You know? Cause I know what she's doing. Um, cause I realize there's certain pets that you're, that they're basically call signs. They're signifiers. Yea, they're signifiers. You know exactly what it is. Yea. Like you know what a corgi is, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like to see people in wheelchairs and crutches and that's what you're saying to everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, every single time I've seen someone with a German Shepherd, holocaust denier. Every time. Without failure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without failure, you go, you walk past a German Shepherd and just say Jew and they'll start barking. Yeaah, I know. You just say it and they bark right away. And they're violent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who owns a husky? I think of a dirty pussy, and I think of Birkenstocks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Strong lesbian, uh, in the Mountain West. I think, I think she's in Colorado, she's in Idaho, she paints, she sculpts, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has hairy legs and she's like, you know, the thing is with Medicare for all and you're like, shut up Husky. So yeah, that's what I think of. Now, what do you think of somebody who's got a snake for a pet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, snakes 24x7 and 365 are just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I feel like the girl with the spiders is the one who, if her spider got out, she doesn't overreact. Oh, that's terrifying. You know what I mean? You'd be like, is that a fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wolf spider on your wall and she'd be like, ah, Sammy got out. I'll go get him. And you're like, oh my God. And I would, I would break up immediately. Immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Right away. As soon as I found out, I'd be like, ah, I don't wanna be a part of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean like they're gold retrievers are the only dogs that I've ever been around where I'm like, this is like an angel dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Megan, pronounced May-gun. Most people spell it Megan and pronounce it the same. However, there are some Magans out there with an H that might pronounce it Ma-gun, but they just sound R-worded. Megan in question pronounces her name


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Megan, like Tom, thinks it's pronounced, and they are likely a dumb slut. But as a general rule, Megan's are good girls. It's the Rachels, Heathers, and Britneys you gotta watch out for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the other Megan dilemma. Here we go. What's up Tony and Chris? I was not born a Megan, but I identify with their community as I am a Reagan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More often than not, illiterate chomos like Tim pronounce simple names like this wrong. It's a common mistake. Many people with chromosome issues


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so simple, even Brent would get it right. So Toby, please do us a favor. Tighten your jeans a bit. They're pretty low and loose. Tata there. Reagan. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Hey, Trenton Krista. I'm writing in regards to the whole Megan Megan debate. I'm married to my super cum slut wife, Megan, pronounced the right way. Megan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the time people ask her how it's pronounced, I don't know why the fuck anyone would think it's pronounced May-gun unless they are totally talked out of their mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Though there are many ways to spell this name, no matter how fucking stupid it gets, like the whores whose parents decided to put the H in their child's name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It will only and always be pronounced Megan. So like usual, Christina, you are totally wrong and our triple C Thick King Tom is right. As always, keeping it high and tight, piss on me and beat me. Justin from Jacksonville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Poor ignorant cum-guzzling whores named Megan have different nonsense ways of spelling their names like M-A-G-A-N, the fuck is that, M-E-G-H-A-N, M-A-E-G-A-N, and I've even seen a M-E-E-G-A-N from time to time, like the word me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Followed by gen, so megen is for the real bottom of the barrel dumpster fire twats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If someone's name is spelled like mine and still pronounces it Megan, it just means they're illiterate, tick-tocked, R-worded, mentally handicapped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most people, most often these types have so much crusty semen in and around their mouth, it prevents them from speaking correctly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, being referred to by the less educated as May Gun doesn't necessarily offend me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we can all be disgusting whore bags from time to time. I was a may gun in college. It sometimes reminds me I'm still one of the cool guys. However, the responsible adult version of the name is in fact Megan, big fan of the show. Love you both and all of the YMH family keeping it high and tight and not being stingy. Megan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Greg. It's almost like Craig and Greg. Greg together. Craig. Craig. But he's saying Greg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not, he didn't get his degree yet. Watch, he's gonna leave, he's gonna graduate and be like, I wanna talk to all the Greggs, Eggs, and Meghans out there. He's gonna know. I have all the confidence in the world to tell him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Alright, I got something to show you. Okay. Oh, and also, I'll read this in a moment, but just so you know, I have an admirer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Just a little damn pain to lift up your spirit today. I hate you. It's just like your poorness and your loser is rubbed off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is something that I wasn't sure of for a long time and now it's been confirmed. So let me remind you first of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Benadryl guy, if you don't know. This was a big clip for us, the Benadryl guy. A lot of people still bring up Benadryl with every post, so he definitely left an impact on people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he was, he goes on just to give great advice, but this clip then brought about other clips and he was just known as the Benadryl guy. I had heard last year that he died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of the fact that he has since passed and we were able to locate his library of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too bad that he's gone because he and I, uh, could have been friends. I got...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, I am married, uhm, it's open, it's an open marriage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I like cats more, but I like a human woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's an email I got, and I don't mean to make you jealous, but I just want you to know this came into my inbox, and I'm kind of curious, I want to put out there a response. First I'll read you the email. This is unsolicited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying, this is unsolicited and I haven't had something like this happen to me. So I feel like I should...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's, let me read this email and then you can comment, okay? Here's what it says. Hello. How are you today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's, that's what I open my email and I see and I'm like, hmm, what is this? Okay. Hello, how are you today? I am Mary, single woman, and you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am looking for a man who is honest, faithful, loyal, sincere, caring and loving man who is willing to give me his love and heart. Well, I'm a loving, caring, honest woman with average smarts, although not into games. I have morals looking for a man who is the same. I am man of his words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can be independent, but looking to find someone I can rely on. This is my email. You can message me or hit me on Google Hangout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Photos of her? Oh, they are? Oh, she sent a picture. Oh, I'm jealous. I don't want to see this slide. Excuse me, I forgot that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way that this girl is not the one who wrote the email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's her. And she's probably desperately sending unsolicited emails to just the men across the world, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, did we get an email about the coach slapping? We did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I see what it is? Sure. I'm so curious. This is a video that came in last week. Let's see here. You guys missed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so we got the translation. This is a coach and what he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says as he's slapping those players is I'll kill all you bastards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You motherfucking faggots. I fuck all of your pussies, I fuck your mouths and faces, you brats. What is this disgrace? That is your Turkish translator, uh, Zeynep Özkan. Thank you very much for that translation. And that is a lovely message. Thank you for bringing it to our attention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, looks like there's something I should bring to your attention before we break here. I'm excited. There's an old clip from our show. Uh oh, oh no. What would be a better celebration of this podcast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, if legitimately in episode 400, we can get you to open up your eyes, open up your heart, open up your mind, and ultimately open up your mouth to lick my rear end. Never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's never gonna happen. Can you just- But can you just for this episode- No. No. For the episode, can you entertain the idea?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me? What? You said you would. If a doctor signed off that you wouldn't get hepatitis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop. Fine, call Drew. I will. How about we take a break? Call him. We let him know because we call him from this line. Just let him know that a phone call is coming. Okay? Makes sense?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's take a break. You'll eat my ass soon. We'll be right back. This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Him's Look at My Bald Head. It is too late. But it doesn't have to be too late for you. 66% of men begin to lose their hair by age 35. Yup. And once you've started noticing that thinning hair can be too late,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best way to prevent more hair loss is to do something about it while you still have some. As soon as you notice it, you need to act. And what do you need to do? You go to 4HIMS.com, the one stop shop for hair loss, skin care and sexual wellness for men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time to write a new chapter one in which you have hair. There are no snake oil pills or gas station counter supplements. These are prescription solutions backed by science. Consult with a real medical professional and get real medical solutions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today, Hims is giving you their best offer yet. If you're not happy with their results after 90 days, Hims will give you a full refund. And right now, our listeners can get their first visit absolutely free. Go to 4Hims.com slash mom. That's 4Hims.com slash mom. Full refund of price paid available for first 90 day supply. Refund requests must be made between 90 and 180 days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After products have been delivered. Procurement products require not only consultation with a medical professional who will determine if a procedure is appropriate. Rejections apply. See the website for full details and safety information. But remember, that's forhims.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back with a very handsome and talented performer. Uh, you maybe have listened to his, uh, music. You may have watched his YouTube videos. We're incredibly entertaining. You may have seen him on tour. It's the very, very talented and funny Mark Rabirin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's not over, it's about to be. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they were on their way out and it's going to be real fun for trade and travel. It's going to be great. Everything in Europe. It's really going to be great. Yeah. I did a tour there last year and it had already been, you know, voted on and they're like, you will not, this will be a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Podcast worthy, you know that? Coming up next on Your Moms House. Right? I mean, it's kinda freaky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went into full fantasy in Paris last year, so I had this run, you know, like, ten city run, and I had two days in Paris and the whole time, like, I would go on walks and be like, you know, I could, I could move here. You're talking to yourself. You're like, I could, I could, this is something I could do. Like that whole time you're there. You're just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember going to New York, uh, in my early twenties. And you know, like when you live in other parts of the country and you're like, I'm gonna travel, I have $300 for where I'm going. And you're like, that's fine. And then in New York, you're like, I had lunch and it's over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, you know, the bar always changes for like the, uh, the price of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the beginning, like the entry level expensive hotel room? And like 20 years ago,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you've traveled most of North America, you would say $300, right? $300, that's a $300 hotel room. That meant like a five-star hotel, right? And I remember staying, I was like, I'm staying at a $300


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You only have $300, so this is why you stay here. I was like, uh-uh. It would lead you into the cellar. It's so bad. And I remember shopping and I was like, how much are nice hotels? And they were like, $1500 a night. And I was like, what? I didn't even, I couldn't wrap my head around it. I was like, who has that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When was your year there, uh, like in college, like abroad, a year abroad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So did he look, did pops, uhm, do the thing, were you born in the states?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time, okay, I remember this from my first time in Paris. I've been to Paris, what, three times, I think. The first time I went, I went to, uh, the Notre Dame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is like everyone has their own currency. Yeah. And so we're, when you leave, there's like a, there's basically a gift shop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, it's all Americans in line, and this guy's like, uh, you know, puts his stuff there, and the lady goes, 40. And he goes, uh, dollars, and she goes, sir, we are in France. We speak French, and we use France. Why would it be dollars?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's Hungarian and he was, I used to explain this because I would say it on stage. Oh yeaah. And then like sometimes people would be like, Jesus. I was like, look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a semester in Madrid and I lived with this old lady and her son who was, I was 21 and he was in his 40s and he would come for a lot of lunches, you know that lunch is a big thing, right? So he would come by and he was like, he's like, you look nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, I don't know, I can't explain it. But the truth is, I like, I like being around well-dressed people. I don't like the effort myself. But like, when I was in London, like, you know, you're walking around London and you see all these, like, bespoke suits and like, this looks great, but like, I'm not gonna


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think it ends up being like, it's ultimately a very positive thing. Cause it's like your self, you know, like value and self perception. And then people remember you that way. It's like a decoration.