[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she goes back and she tells the CIA and they go, what'd you tell them? And she goes, I don't know. And they go, go back and tell them you like big dicks. So she runs back and she's like, I like big dicks. And then I don't want to give away where it goes from there, but that's kind of the setup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sexual needs of the humans or the aliens at any point, like in the Martian. Yeah. I don't know why you're laughing. It's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're in Florida. We're about to go on that family trip on the cruise. I'm out of my mind because I have jet lag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You start watching 12 Years a Slave on, either you ordered it or it was on HBO or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I watched the first 15-20 minutes with you, and there's a scene, and first of all,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The title is 12 Years a Slave. There's already, you know, you can put together the type of movie it is. And the scene that I pass out on is the scene where in the very beginning they're on a riverboat and a slave tries to stop


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A white man from raping a girl and the slave stabs him, kills him, and they throw his body off the back of the riverboat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm laying next to Christina and she goes, Oh my God. And I go, just give it a little, give it a little. It gets funnier, right? Like I'm thinking that it's registering completely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that's not a true statement. The next morning I get up and she goes, that movie wasn't funny at all. And I was like, yeah, I know. And she goes, I was waiting the whole time for the comedy to start. Like really? What part of that made you think that there would, there would be funny stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll really feel like shit if you watch 12 Years of Slave. Maybe not as bad as you'll feel about the arrival though, because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, oh, uh, cry- something cry?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my baby don't cry no more? Something like that? Cry, cry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shouldn't they go and change?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The category to white bummer of the year. Like, here's the movie that the most white people felt best about being bummed out about this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause my cousin loves white bummers. Like whenever it's, you know, the trailer is she lost her legs and then she had cancer and then her daughter died. He's like, you want to go see that? And I'm like, no, not at all. That looks horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, he feels enriched by the more depressing the storyline, the better he feels about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was driving last week and I heard on the radio, on the radio. So imagine I'm not seeing anything driving. I hear about this kid dying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was horrible. It fucked up my day. He died in Santa Claus's arms, right? It was a sick kid. It was a make a wish thing. No, that's what I'm saying though. That 30 seconds of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, bum me out for the rest of the day


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Santa Claus is black, first of all. I've always believed that. Of course. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, just these kids in Florida convinced me when I was in high school. Seriously? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, of course he's like, he, they were black and they just told me, you know, he, um, he, he's got a lot of swag and he takes care of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, get down that chimney even in a difficult way. I dunno. And then they, they just told me and I just believed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's gotta be weird, you know when we were walking, I never thought about it until we had a kid. We were at the mall. Picking up my, my Macbook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was horrible. Wrong mall too. Drinking water, I'm so hydrated. Oh yeaah. Well, we were sitting there and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I wonder for them, with their children, if it's weird to go sit on a white guy's lap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would think that if I were them, I'd be like, no, let's go get a fucking Chinese Santa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember the first time I met you. My god. It was in Phoenix. It was on this, like the stand up tour. And you came up to me after my set and you go, I've never seen someone drink so much water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like wow. I was, I felt connected to you that you, like that's what you saw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know on that 6am flight, I'll be walking through the airport like, dude, just don't fucking drink for the next hour so you can sleep on the flight. But you don't do it. Usually I can't, just my overwhelming urge to consume more water takes over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man. You share these online with people? Sometimes people will ask like how many, you know, like what's your record? And I know for these in a day, it's somewhere in the 50s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll see. And I know that like, gallon-wise, it's just over three. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what that means, right? That's our new, it's time to do dates. Ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course everybody knows that I'll be in Orlando for the last week of the month doing New Years at the Orlando Improv. Uhm, then after that I go to Cannes Ass Shitty and uhm, that starts off the New Year. But what I really wanted to tell you guys are the, uhm, the places that are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're in a, in a, in what? In difficult, in danger, that's the word I'm looking for, in danger of not getting tickets anymore. Number one is Atlanta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's single digit tickets left, they're only singles, meaning you can't buy two tickets together. So that's done and we're not adding a second show. Atlanta, I love you. If you're coming, you got em, you're in, otherwise...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're probably going to miss out. Uh, that is going to be January 21st. Just letting you know. Mommyapolis, the third show. It's filling up quick. Make sure you scoop those tickets. That is the 29th of, uh, a January.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, Chicago, the second show is over half sold. Uhm, DC, Saturday is sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friday Late is almost sold out. That is in March. But again, if you don't get them now, I'm just letting you know, you might totally miss out. Boston Massive Huge Tits. That's good. Uh, we added a third show at the Wilbur. That'll be it. We won't add more. That's gonna be it. Uhm, those go on sale Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is nearly sold out. I don't know if we're adding there. So if you want to get your tickets, make sure you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Portland, Porkland, Oregon, we sold out in April, so we added a second show. Make sure you scoop them before they're gone. We can only do two in Porkland, Oregon, so there will be no added third show there. Uhm, Jeans, go ahead and let them know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. That's gonna be the first time we do a venue of that size for the podcast. You know? And uhm, we're really excited. If you guys can come out, we really, really do appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the big one. I love doing it live. Live it is like this mashup of the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The audio, and it's like we're, you know, we're doing a weird version of stand-up because we're playing to a live crowd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so again, don't forget if you want to see Christina,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny. She's sitting right where you are. My dad during the, in the middle of, it's like, I know he's not doing what we do, but clearly you realize we're recording audio. He gets up, walks out, opens the door, gets other people bring, I'm like, what are you doing? I wanted to get them in here. Don't you see that we're recording? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, well don't you think that'll screw up the audio of it? Huh? Nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Well also, there's a nice buffer with having a child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, here's Charo. Let me see, I should do it this way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, the whole idea there is that I wrote line reads for them. Yes. But especially with her, you just want her to go ahead and read.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she doesn't realize it until afterwards, that's the key to it. She reads it and she's like, what did I just say? She also doesn't know slang, she doesn't know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the key. The more that you're like, oh, that's neat. She's like, please. Like she gets bothered by the fact that you're having a real conversation about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause if you're joking, part of her's like, well, this is a joke. But if you're serious, it bothers her more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I forget, but you did it real sincere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he will answer very sincerely, and that bothers her more. He's like, well, you know, the thing is when you shit and it's there, you gotta really clean it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you see that? Nothing. Nothing registered. Hey, we're recording right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Glassing is like, uh, it's either looking through binoculars or just chilling, like just hanging out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I love you. I love you too. You did a great job. Really a great job. You know what really bummed me out? Can I get paid for this? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, uh, she, uh, I recorded her, then I recorded him, and a total fucking amateur move. I turn, I stop recording, start doing shit, you know, then they start talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I come in a little late, but he's telling her the Orlando airport story. No no, but I get part of it. But then I stop again, and now I'm like, okay, we're done. She's sitting on the couch behind you, and she has a 20 second fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just if I, here's the lesson by the way, if you're ever stated here,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And someone liked that. Somebody- Just leave the mics on. You just leave them recording the entire time. It was so- I was so bummed out about it. So upsetting. Uhm, cause Top Dog, it's just in the mid- like, I'm done, I'm just trying to, you know, clean up these files or whatever and then I just turn up that mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then my mom's like, he'll pee like five times and not flush. And we were real proud about that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. She had diarrhea. That's true. It was such a big fart though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the top of the page that I hand him says Top Dog Line Reads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, now the reason that Charo's laughing is she thinks...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That it's a made up bit. Right. And that's why afterwards, she goes, I thought it was a funny story. I didn't realize. Right, it's true. Yeah. So, that's why you're seeing the, uhm, the laughter is because, oh, this is made up. But when she's horrified later, or when I played earlier, it's because she realizes it's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope, that's, you nailed the analysis of why one works better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the one, the reason that's the funniest is because I think he delivers that line the best. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause to him, he actually, he doesn't know why that's funny. And that's why it's funny. Cause he's reading it sincerely. Tommy, would you marry your dad? He's saying it like it's a real thing to ask me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why the phone calls. I used to call my dad and go, I'm gonna call you in 10 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not early early, but once he realized people were listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then there was a period where he was like, oh, and he would like be all prepped. And that's when I started to call him from a, like a different line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you hear him answer like that, basically the last few years, it's cause he just thinks I'm calling to say hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you gotta catch him off guard. You gotta catch him off guard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. That's uhm, I think we have two subway people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. Yeah, because let's see. This one says, sounds like Maria went to Subway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's losing her shit. Uhm, and then there's, I swear there's another one. There's another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, there's a, there's multiple, let me see if there's another subway. I feel like there's another subway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Poor person just is working at Subway. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woah. Geez. You know when someone's voice trembles too? There's so much rage. She's mad. Oh yea, adrenaline just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's able to go back and forth though. That's kind of the impressive part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should have had it available then. It shouldn't, why is it unavailable?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because somebody started after, it started after the altercation began, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's not available, it should be on the menu. It's a total white chick thing, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing that I notice in both subway scenarios, everybody minds their fucking business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's never about whether they have parmesan cheese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, tell your head office to make it? I thought she was saying something really different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over what? Over, like, there's no bread left for the sandwich you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's lived upstairs for six years. That's what she's saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's done. That guy has a burnt body too. Did you see it? Hear that big old burnt body? Why are you upset?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was uhm, he just couldn't handle it. Some people just can't handle it. I felt like that during some diaper changes. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Uh, I'm gonna see Bart tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. By the way, we didn't hear back from Fred, the hunter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's going through a trash can and he gets so excited. And there's also toilets in his yard. You wanna see? It's really amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is going on? Ah, god damn it. I love that this is a brand new pooter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and by the way, he's in Colorado. That's where he's from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two toilets in his backyard. By the way, is Fred my dad? Cause he would be that excited about that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bart and I, Bart and I, we weigh in, in two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a text from this buddy of mine in Florida who was at the radio station that Bert did on Thursday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, uh, I think you're going to win. And I go, why? He goes, I just gave him, I just watched him drink six, um, drinks this morning at radio. He had three breakfast sandwiches and two, uh, two burritos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey mommy, it's me, Jeans. Uh, hey Jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This past week? No. Dude, you've seen me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking that big plastic one up after my workouts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The big water tumbler. I've been drinking that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true. It's uh, I was actually stopped and I was like, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. That's true. Very true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After. We're doing uhm, oh cool. Somebody sent in-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody's, let's see, birdisfat, hey mommy, just wanted to submit some more proof of who the number one water champion is. Oh stop. As if we need more proof. Tuesday's show at the Ice House was great, obviously a result of superior hydration. Keep up the good work. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This email came in and look what they circled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The main thing I would just emphasize is that this is a breaking point in the relationship. I mean, you need to solve this problem. Maybe take a trip, I would say into the wilderness together and pitch a tent face to face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And see what happens to your browns when you're out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really interesting. True water champ mind games, someone writes. They said I had a breakthrough on the identity of true water champion when I started engaging my own water competition with my girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My girlfriend was formerly very adverse to drinking water. Instead of nagging her and trying to bully her into drinking it, I drew inspiration from your mom's house and simply stated that I was the water champion. And I pointed to her full glass of water as evidence of this. Human beings being prideful creatures.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She immediately disagreed, pounded the water to her face, and has since started drinking way more water to prove that SHE is the real water champion. She doesn't realize this was my main plan all along. And no matter how much water she drinks, I will always and forever be the water champ. Regionally of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it was I who put us both back on the path to hydration health.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A win for her is a win for me as long as she drinks more water. If you listen in earlier episodes, Mommy Tina actually pulled this exact maneuver on Tommy when she was worried about the color of his urine. So even though Tommy Buns, giant bear that he is, drinks more water by volume,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of his water gains are points scored for Tina because she essentially tricked him into drinking more water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if you go back and listen to the origin of the water championship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There really is no doubt that Mommy Tina is playing head games with Tommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for your observation. Well, I guess we picked up another retarded listener. So there's all, there's that. Um, oh, this one says I'll keep it, I'll keep it short because you got to read the other emails, but that hair style is called the skullet. The one that I want Tina to have. Yeah. Let's try, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's right. He's right. I would say this one is the best, most like it. So we just, we cut the top off. You tell me that you have a special coming out and the promo is you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With no hair on top, but long hair on the sides.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to think in terms of, I need to drive people's interest into clicking play. Right. So wouldn't that help do it? A woman with this haircut?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I still think it's a really good idea that I had for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. This is you. Right here. And he's got the blonde hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm about to uh, play the closing song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it. We're gonna get some food. And we're gonna go Patreon. Put that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Patreon. Patreon.com slash mom. That's where we do the Patreon episodes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys gotta take it off, if they don't have it, and it's on the, you should take it off the fucking menu, cause it says you have it on the menu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You imagine that anytime a restaurant ran out of anything, they go, we have to remove it from the menu now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, this was a lot of fun. Thank you guys for listening. Uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a very, it's just, it's too overexposed too. Like I feel like you hear Sinatra in uhm, very corporate environments too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like when you go to a bar stocks, it's like a corporate approved type of music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's just, it's been around for so long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but it's been so overused that it's not even authentic anymore. Cause they'll play Frank Sinatra, you know, at the McDonald's. Or whatever, and you're like, well this isn't cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about? You usually hear Sinatra in like yuppie places like our Crate and Barrel or Sir La Table or Williams and Sonoma like when you're buying your hundred dollar pots and pans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Like a 70 year old guy likes, like my dad, yea my dad does like Frank Sinatra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're right. I think it's a manufactured, you're right, a fake nostalgia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised she got up on the couch. She hasn't- Well, maybe she's lost a few pounds. She has cause I've been cutting her kibble. What's she doing man? She's looking for things to get into. I cut her kibble intake so she still eats the table scraps to fall. But it's actually, it's only been like a week of doing that and she's already dropped some LBs it looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was wondering if we should watch the Evie Mike guy, because this discussion you're about to get into sounds about as interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm saying, this sounds like real boring. Are you gonna get real technical on this? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the plugging and unplugging, maybe it's the cable plug, cause you're messing with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is annoying. It sucks cause we do our show off of that and all our drops run there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and it also harkens back to a time, like isn't that the 50s?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, totally. And I, but ironically, that time in Vegas is where those guys were performing. That's back when Vegas was about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know cause your dad called this morning and he never asks to speak to me directly, but you handed me the phone and I got really excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I got super pumped because I was like, oh, we're going to do some brown talk. I mean, the dog and I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what he does, and he does this every time, is he just talks about how proud he is of you and how much he loves you. He's like, you know, Christina, I'm so proud of Tommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. And he just talks about how proud he is of your, of how well you did at the show and your performance and your routine. And then uhm. I've noticed lately. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you what he said to me? That was the best too, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes that, you know, uh, uh, uh, the audience was, uh, really excited to see him, like really excited and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now your mommy said, uhm, has been having a better, excuse me, time at your shows lately because you've been...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we instituted this policy when she came to visit last time. Uh, she came in and we immediately gave her a drink and it ended up being the best time we ever had with your folks because every time she'd come over,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be like, Charles, you want your Pinot Grigio? You want your Pinot Grigio? No, no I cannot. And then I would just pour for her, remember? You would like, tell me, like, just pour it for her and pour her a big one. Cause she'll never take a second pour. So I was giving her like, you know, tall boys of Pinot Grigio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was fantastic for us, like, remember they were down on the floor with Ellis laughing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are great for some people's personality. Like my father is off the booze now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't like him over, cause he's not fun. And my dad's so much better when he's drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The unfortunate problem is that he's great when he's drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my dad is the same thing, like a party drunk, like he's actually kind of a fun dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure. And he's had a few in him. He used to crank up the Abba in the house and dance and like- The Hendrix? Oh, Hendrix, that was on the darker days. Oh, okay. That's when he was, uh- Turn the lights off? Yeah, I'd come home from like high school, no like 15, I'd come home at night from like hanging out with my friends and he'd be sitting in the dark listening to Hendrix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So loud that I was like, oh my god, did somebody break in and turn up our stereo? Like I would walk in and it would be like blaring and he would also have the television on muted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which makes me crazy personally, like if something's on and I can't understand what's happening, I can't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was a weekend. That wasn't a weekday. That was like a Friday night kind of wind down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He likes that stuff. You know what really made me laugh that it used to do with my ex-stepmom is she fucking hated German Christmas music and my dad would play this one CD that we had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was one song, Haiji Bumbaiji, and she would fuckin', she would never get mad, but when Haiji Bumbaiji came on,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course! That was the whole fun, is that my dad would look at me, cause he had a few in him, and he was like, you ready for the Christmas music? And I was like, yes, cause I knew that she was gonna get fucking pissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just, she would say, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate Red Red Wine, but you don't play it to agitate me, like on Christmas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the fun part is pissing mama. What's your red song? I'm trying to think your, uh, makes you see fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you get angry at people. Like, pro- like, incompetence makes you angry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get mad at like irrational, like songs make me angry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my dad. Yeah. Oh, he's, they're so sweet. They're going to come back and visit soon. I can't wait. So I had my dad and my mom. And I married my mom. Ask them, will you ever date your mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean is there such a thing as a strategy for slots?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woah. Well, I can see the logic. I mean, if you're not in it for the money, just the excitement of the win. Yea, that is it. She gets a rush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's good that she's not into aggressive gambling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But your mom's good at bridge. So she's good at cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be like, oh, okay, I'll just do the opposite of what you said, because I know you're fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, you should get back together with your lawyer ex boyfriend. I was like, oh, that means I gotta marry Tom. Yeah. Tom's definitely the winner. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't know you though, she's crazy. Shared voices telling her that you were, uhm, you didn't like her. Really? I swear to god, yea, she heard voices.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I love about her? Is that everybody's like, I'm a nerd, I'm a- I play video games, I'm a nerd. Like, no, no, no. That's a real nerd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's right, they can't hug, they can't thrust. Like, how do dolphins fuck shit? We should try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, she's on Instagram. Sharzad. Sharzad. Should we give out her last? I don't want to. Yeah, it's okay. Okay. Sharzad Morgan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's written a book, which is why we wanted to kinda, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we were like, wait, why does this woman have this problem in life that these guys are just cumming all over her and asking her to taste it and well that makes sense if she's an escort then she's a professional cum dealer, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, here's what I have. She wrote a book called Pleasure, a memoir, and you can get it at MyPleasureBook.com. So just to give her a shout out, since we shit on her so hard last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now we totally, we thought she was like a new divorcee maybe, and then she


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that totally changes the whole nature of the beast here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's good. You should try it. Uhm, just check it out. If you like it, great. If not, then you don't have to wipe cum on your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we first started dating, and I was like, do you have any diseases I should know about? And you're like, well, I got burnt by Guy Ria, Guy Ria one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a dream last night that you had sex with one of my close friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate that, cause then I wake up and I'm mad at you all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even though rationally I know I shouldn't be, unconsciously every time I look at you I feel just a, like a shiver of hate. And then I go, oh wait, he didn't really do anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's logical. I mean, dreams put you in a bad mood, and then I just have to remind myself constantly that you didn't do the thing you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so crazy. Why? Just because I don't hang out with superficial Kardashian types.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't hang out with girls that spend all their money on, uh, lipo suction and... How about just a good friend that looks kinda like you? Would that be such a problem? Are my friends any blondies? Yeah, sure. Uh, no, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's right, you're like blondies. Maybe there's a reason I'm not friends with any blondes, cause you'll start sexting them. Yeah, maybe those are your... Um, P.S. Speaking of texts, I got a very interesting one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Shanaz, she's got a lot of nursing opportunities in Florida. Boca Raton, I get the calls weekly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adis checked himself out of the rehab clinic and I got calls from his shrinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, Adis, you can't just check yourself out of treatment. I really need to speak with you. This is Dr. Bubba Baa. So A is, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting theory. I like that. I think it's just she-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Remember that time she told Salome to put plastic bags in the trees for the squirrels? That it wore a tough squirrel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy people do. Of course. And is a squirrel problem that severe and pervasive in California?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, can I tell you what happened? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. So, for Adis...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get, I get a phone call yesterday from an area code, I'm not, I know I don't have friends in, like this is not for me, and I just let it go to voicemail because I'm with little jeans and we're riding a train, it's cute. And then I get a text from the number, it says hello.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this person just sends a photograph of a $20 bill with just bricks of pills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was tempted to write back like, bro, this isn't Adis' phone. But then I started, my maternal instinct has kicked in where I'm like, I don't want this dealer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Let him figure this out on his own. I'm not gonna help Adis get pills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so amaze. I gotta really cherish that one. Yea, that was really great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that was pretty exciting news. We watched a good movie last night, for once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was drinking wine last night, so I can't understand things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he was my friend? You would not do that to a friend. You don't do that to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my, my eyes can't roll far back enough into my head when I hear that. That's what Garth was doing last week where he's like, you know, what's really great is that everyone gets to see the grips and the light guy. Like, no, you don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, no, no, no, never. I never have, uhm, cause I never had sex with strangers, like you. I had sex with people that I had relationships with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My suitors? Yea. Yea, I was friends with the people I fucked. I never fucked strangers. Generally as a rule. Yea. Still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I know one of your special strangers. You do? You reminisce about her like once a year. No I don't. Oh yeaah. You've reminisced about this one night stand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to get into it. No, I'm going to have to watch your new hour now to see what's going on. I haven't watched you do stand up in a while because you've been out of the, you know, we've been to different cities, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, look at that. See, I was right. She's always on your mind, this girl. She's not always on my mind. She's so special to you in your heart. She's not special to me. For real, though. For real, girl? Goddamn, girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're in my heart. What about her? It's not her. Do you bring out like what makes you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and you're absolutely right because I remember as a young woman that dudes ju- all they wanna do is come. And you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hussies? Yeah. Heese? Yeah. Remember when you used to call your sisters Luddy and Skunty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'll scare him enough. It's gotta be deep. We gotta start now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you wanna, you take pot? This is what it looks like when you take pie, you'd be homeless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll say it makes your teeth fall out. We'll show it to those people and be like, if you don't wear a condom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Teeth fall out. Teeth fall out, yep. When you do drugs, your teeth fall out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does, right. Enough. We gotta get on that soon, showing him pictures of bad things. Don't tell him that, stoops. What's wrong with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? That shit ain't me? I'll tell you right now, one on one, man. He said one on one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that. I thought you said Live 101, like his radio station.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and also it's, you know, it's sticky. Yeah. You could, I thought people put Vaseline on their hair. Maybe. Or something, I don't know. But duct tape? Duct tape! There's no way. You pull that off. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that ta- even a bandaid hurts. Could you imagine duct tape? Can I have some


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I actually spoke to a non-binary person on this week's episode of That's Deep, Bro. It drops Monday night at midnight. So by the time this is up, it will be there. And it's on, I have a YouTube video, it's on my YouTube channel. Uhm, so listen to That's Deep, Bro. And it was pretty, pretty informative. And it makes a lot more sense now. I'm interested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they, they, they did, I asked for the pronoun and they did say they'd prefer to be referred to as a they, so, uh, they were very, uh, kind and generous and very cool. Good sense of humor about it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gene, I'd like to also announce that That's Deep Row has a t-shirt that you can now buy on TomSegura.com slash, what is it? Store, I think. Store, uh, it's up there if you want that. Thank you everybody who came out to see me this last weekend, especially during a torrential downpour in LA on the 17th. That was bananas and it was so fun. A lot of mommies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and on at Flappers, thank you guys. So, April 13th through 15th, Brea Improv in Brea, California. April 28th through 29th, Sacramento at the Punchline. May 4th through 5th, Fartnicks, Arizona at Stand Up Live. And then May 19th through 20th, Jew Dork Titties at Gotham Comedy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] June 1-3 Denver Comedy Works at the Downtown one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] June 16th through 17th, Manfriend Disco at the Punchline. Tickets at thousandranch.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About time. There were so many mommies that came out, the LA mommies really represented


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really enunciates. Your dad's got a broadcasters voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really says it well. You're very handsome, I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't give me gonorrhea. Don't fuck my friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you have bad dreams about me and then hate me a little bit the next day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite one of these, uhm, was the one we did at the live show where she's like, dry ponds. Now you may have heard of dry ponds, but the dry ponds in this dry pond is a dry pond. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dry ponds can be either dry or ponds, but they're not both dry ponds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't understand what's happening with the sinkhole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we had a huge storm in LA this last weekend, and then in Studio City, they said there was a sinkhole, and that just means that, what, the earth just collapses and sucks in everything around it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what the fuck I'm talking about. Like when we used to live by the beach, I would walk to the ocean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, like just out of nowhere the sand collapses and you're like how does that even ha- why and how does that even happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we can build technology, we can say that we have control, we have no control over Mother Nature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do a tornado. Make a tornado. Fucking earthquake, dude. Forget it. Good luck with your fancy freeways and your buildings when that shit happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No shit. I remember in the big earthquake in 1994 when that happened here in LA. Freeways just collapsed on top of freeways. And guess what? If you're fucking under it, like, you're just dead. You're gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they just get screwed. I wish we could, I mean, they've trying forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've been trying forever to develop an earthquake system that they could give us warning at least like a few minutes. Cause that would help tremendously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're, you're just fucking screwed, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, they're all good looking. They're just brunettes. You like blondes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ham, no. You guys are all derelicts. The hobo squad. That's your fucking squad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the most exciting time. That was super fun. Yeah, that was a good surprise. That was so clever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What can I, I'm not, I mean, Brussels Graffan, I'm so, our son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never get, I mean, it's literally like, hey Tom, I'm pregnant. And you're like, oh yeah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You weren't as excited as I thought you'd be when I announced, like, pregnancy. You were like, oh that's great, yeaah. And then I know, you're like, great, yeaah, I'm gonna barbecue. And then you barbecued. What? You went outside and you barbecued.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you get? You don't get excited. No, you like rappers and stuff, like, you get stoked when you meet... Rappers, not like that, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, please don't play whatever you're gonna- It went like this. Okay, fine. Great. There's my vocal fry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was probably like this. I was probably going low in the register to do a joke about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, it's so embarrassing. This was a bad ch- Ohhhh! I had good teeth though. And look at those gold earrings. What phase was I going through? God, that's so old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was wearing big gold hoop earrings. I was going through like a, some kind of, I was wearing uhm, rock aware a lot that year for some reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what, what kind of phase this was. Man. Yeah. Well, it looked good though. You look great. Skinny, tan. This is when we first started dating. You look great. It's like ten years ago, boo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, more. This is when I was, when we first started dating, I went to Korea this year to do stand-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is right when we- I was working as a writer still. You look- I was working at, uh, Bake- wait, I want to say the name of the company- I was working as a writer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uncomfortable because they, they grow past your eyebrows really fast. And then you have to constantly get them trimmed. It's like the never ending quest to keep your bangs the right length. And if they get too long, then they're in your eyes. It sucks. They got hair in your face all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was I thinking, a nameplate? Oh that was the time Sex and the City was big and everyone was wearing one cause Sarah Jessica Parker had one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My tits were great! You know why? They weren't that big. They were C's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I was skinnier, I was about 10 pounds lighter than I am now. And my tits were manageable, maybe D's, 1D.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would tape your sets and everyone signed away their rights ten years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you bombed that night, they didn't care. So, and then you'd ask them, can you take that fucking down? They're like, nope, you signed the paperwork. And they fucked over so many comics who ate shit on Comic Town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such fucking turds. I would never do that again. I think we didn't know. It was like the beginning of the internet when people were putting standup up. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm glad I had vocal fry on their fucking thing. Yeah. Comedy time. Douchebag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks guys, thanks for scouring the internet, uh, finding shit 20 years ago on road rules or 10 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no such thing as the customer being right in other countries, by the way. That is what the problem is. Is that the customer is always right, and that is a lousy mantra. It's a stupid mantra. They're not always right, dude. And if you've worked in customer service, you fucking know that there's a lot of crazy people out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? That's what's going on here. No, no, no, customer's not right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White people are terrible. They really are the reason everything sucks. It's so true. We, we try to culturally, uh, dominate everybody else. We think we're the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gets me every time. This doesn't, it never gets old for me. I know. I could watch these all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I love how she really plays it off, and she was like, it's just, it is wrong, it's what some people say. Like, she really was like, no, it's the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna mark you down as a no. Right? Right. She's taking a survey. Holy shit. Genius level. Genius. Sammy. That's her name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Genius. Really good stuff. I'm taking a survey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he said the, uh, oh shit, what was the other one he died that was good? Throatzilla. Throatzilla. Yea, that was crazy. She goes, Coke Zero? We don't have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Down here around five ui from Louisiana where I live. I got a hold of an old 48 wheelers pick up truck. Four wheel drive pick up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to sit up so I don't look like a slacker. Are you sitting up in your chair or do you rest your back on it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] October 5th, the secret group in Houston. It's an 8pm show. They have switched the venue due to plumbing issues, apparently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's going to be at a place called The Warehouse Live, and they said they're gonna be notifying you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, same venue guys. Go there, check me out. I can't wait to meet all you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's cool, it's been so much fun. October 23rd, uhm, in her apple tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A personal thing yesterday happened, so we had to, you know, it's been a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We haven't slept in, what, a year now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why'd you say that? God is real. Oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta face the camera a little, don't forget. Because otherwise they're just looking at the side of your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you also get to be one of Dan's like special mentees and then you get put on another wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so now, oh, the wall of shame are past people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Google fuck, tweet fuck, leak fuckers, and then these guys are the idiots that paid


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, $12,500 to go. I think it's around that. I get the emails now. It might be. Uhm, I throw in 12 grand to go to his castle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything I have is written in my QLA, he calls it the Quantum Leap Advance or something, the QLA. That's his program. I read his book online, it's unintelligible. It's got like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Random sentence, and then it's like LOL! Every other third sentence. In his book it says that? Yeaah, it doesn't, I tried reading it, it just doesn't really make a lot of sense. It's not very cogent. It's like not well written.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a YouTube fucker. And he also shits on people watching him on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true, when I go back to Hungary to visit my family, that's the first thing they talk shit to me like, oh nice fucking blue jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my parents, both my parents, if you went to the doctor, you dressed up. You didn't wear fucking jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, looks good now. Whoever, that guy that fucked you, it grew back nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the irony of that horrible thing happening is that you've been performing in these enormous venues where it's not that the audience is intimate with you, you're up on a huge screen, right? So people are looking really at your face more than they ever would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I love it. I think I believe that too. I think I might hold a similar philosophy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, I wish. I think that's why he's not more well known.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not as refined as a Tony Robbins, let's say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does, and he says he does it to jar people out of their everyday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's also got a refined, and he's a good communicator, refined message. And this guy's unfortunately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no. Tony Robbins is more of a feel-good guy. He's kind of crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's absolutely, but he made a ton of money. Most of it I think doing these seminars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that he made a lot of money as a CEO of some big company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't know what his actual value is. I think the $50 billion thing is when he was a CEO, he made that much for this company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. But I don't know if that's his actual, you know, what he's worth now. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's what I'm saying. The $50 billion is when he was a CEO of some company and he made that much revenue for the company, but he personally didn't do it for like his own company or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should listen to his podcast. It's so funny because he answers people's questions. That's the whole thing. And every answer is like, I don't know, it's on my fucking website, you fuck. Look at it. Tweet fuck it. Link fuck it. I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and he like shits on them, he'll shit on you just whatever your race is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he just fucks with you, like whatever your race is, whatever your thing is, he'll just fuck with you like they do in the military, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he talked about it before on YouTube where he's like, you fucks can write in the comments. I don't give a shit. Fuck you. Like he doesn't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's normal. And there's like, I saw one clip with like a Chinese dude, and he's like, fucking ching chong ding dong. What do you have to say? He's like, actually I have a question. Like, he did, they don't care, they're used to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally. I'm a huge Dan Pena fan. I just, I can't get enough of this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what he really preaches though? I'll tell you what the, if you distill it and I've read his website, I've read everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really breaks down people's sense of fear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, his whole thing is like, do one thing a day that scares you. Cause if you break down people's fear, you break down the fear of failure and the fear of success. And you'll do whatever the fuck it takes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be successful, basically that's what he's doing. He's like, stop being a fucking pussy, just do it, asshole. You know, who cares, whatever you are, Chinese, a woman, whatever. Like he actually does like women, he said it, he refers to like uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Female CEO's, the creator of Victoria's Secret, that woman in some other video I saw, like, he gets it, but, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who orders the water in his house, your honor? If Tom had enough water, he wouldn't be DJ Dadmouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reports are in from San Jose. I have my eyes on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did not drink water. You did not hydrate at all during your San Jose set. Thank you. 20 minutes. Yeah, but... I'm sorry. Did you guys hear that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me taste your regular water in the LaCroix can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I rest my case. Thank you for keeping these reports. Uh, keep them coming in, guys. Let me know in every city Tom's in whether or not he's hydrating on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you look like right now with that comb in your beard? What? You look like Captain Lou Albano.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the 80s. He used to have rubber bands and shit in his beard, remember that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I like Captain Lou. Rowdy Rowdy Piper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I'm just excited that the voicemails have kept, like, they're coming again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They put these on TV, like on C-SPAN or some shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is a good brand, but I thought she was going to be like, you guys poisoned the water and my brother drank it and died of lead poisoning, but no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got the marbles, the toilet paper, six butts, two tits, and a private investigator. Sounds a little paranoid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. But I have a feeling these city council meetings, this is the majority of who shows up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Like you would, you and I would never have time cause we're too busy leading normal lives. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, if that would have been her target of choice versus like my stepdad and a few other things on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I call them n-words and you fucking piece of shit. Fuck you, you fucking cunts. She loved to call people cunts and n-words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I went to clean out her apartment, there was a black security guard lady there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was talking to her and, uh, BIG WORDS!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and she goes, yeah, I know your mom, Edith. She was quite a character. She goes, uh, you know, she was always nice to me. She never called me a nigga. And I was like, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a nice testament to my mother's uh, manners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She bought panties, toilet paper, and what else? She brought one more thing with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yeah. So there's a lot of victimization.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my mom would say things like that too, where you're like, wait, what do you mean I have six butts, not six boobs? Fuck you. Yeah, fuck. You know, my mom picked fights with nuns too, when I went to Catholic school. It's fucking bitches. I'm like, okay, you're picking fights with nuns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, that's the thing is that when they're that spun out, that's when she's, they're really sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone's out, it sounds like she's thinking that they're all out against her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think the private investigator stuff, like that's another layer. She's being persecuted by all of them and the concrete company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's out of his mind. Do you know who McGruff the crime dog is? Of course. Doesn't Joey Diaz kind of sound like him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I feel like McGruff the Crime Dog is Joey Diaz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love these ads, by the way, that they just terr- terrify you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I, they just scared the shit out of you into compliance, and that's the way you should do it. Like, hey kids, you'll get snatched up off your goddamn bike. Don't talk to strangers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's horrible. Can you please play the guy, the touch therapy guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They came in, uhm, through our email and I watched it and I was like drawn in. I was immediately drawn in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think he went to cuddling college? Maybe. Got his bachelor's in cuddles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] $80 an hour? So he has one a week that he charges $80? So he makes $8 a week doing this? Is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cuddlist.com. So maybe it's like a cuddle, like a Craigslist for cuddlers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, hold on. Tony Tamar Toanda. We have to sing the song, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. For people with Asperger's or some kind of, you know, social anxiety stuff, that's probably really helpful. But it is a bit of bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've said that to you. Remember last time you farted on Bitsy's head? And that's the first thing I said to you. Like, do you even want me to have sex with you? You farted on Bitsy's head. You sat on our chair in the bedroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are in your chonies. You put your legs in the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you judging me? How dare you shame me? You've taught me to be like this. I was a woman before I started dating you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause years of being with you, you've broken me down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's true, I was a lady before. I mean, not totally, but more of a lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause this is your jam. You were so excited. You sent this to me like two weeks ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she'd be like, go fuck you, or smell my farts. Really? Not lick me. Yeah, she'd say crazy shit to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, she would fart on me and stuff and she'd fart in the closet and push me in the closet and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love the, is this Ontario? Canada? Hey, my birthplace!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm like, wait, what does a hot chick have to do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I do regret that we don't have audio. Cause it could be another kiss my pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I wish we could get a lick me where I fart. I think that's a really neat phrase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of phrases, uh, on the Patreon show, we were discussing how you and I have used a phrase around this house for like a couple years now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is same shit different toilet. Right. And we never really do it on YMH, but it's in our private lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that and I love talking about practice. Those are my two favorite athlete clips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's the guy that decked out his van with a hundred thousand dollars worth of like Versace Louis Vuitton?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he refers to, he's like, oh that guy is fucking crazy, he decked out his van, like he bought a fucking van.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God. I don't need, I don't think I need to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm serious, like a crazy childhood. I was filming a scene. I was shooting a scene, right? No, you're doing a Russell Peters Presents, and that's where I met Rocco, behind backstage, behind the dumpsters, and in between, uhm, no, he did tell me some crazy childhood shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I saw that come in. Let me see the top of it. Is that what that looks like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. You know what's funny is that in all the years I've known you, A. I've never seen you climb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Steps up a tree. That's like the last- You know, I'm saying that you're not a climey, agile person. It's not your steeze to climb up anything and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has everything to do with it, cause if, especially if you're taking a dump, you really gotta be committed. Anyways, I got this interesting email from the poo pile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says, Dear Tina, I exist. Fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, you would have to have your butt hole totally waxed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you would have to have it steam cleaned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever seen on like, uh, the Braxons, they went to get their vaginas steamed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want you to go get your butthole steamed so that it was thoroughly clean. And then maybe I would do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your shits are fucking nasty. You left town the other day and you left streaks in the toilet that I couldn't even believe how many. It was just light brown, like real diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm giggin' man, I'm giggin'. Bro, I am though. It's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it was audio back in the day, not video. I'd remember a guy who looks like he has no chest hair. I'm gonna fucking puke, I hate-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's like watching a guy jacket, I don't wanna watch him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why you gotta be so nasty? Can I read you an email we got? Of course. But I need you to really pay attention and focus. This is a very important subject. Alright, let's do it. This might be the most interesting email we have ever gotten. Are you ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommies. Do you think if a human ate only dog food, dry and or wet, that their shits would start to smell like dog shit? You know, that very distinct dog shit smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was dumb, but listen to this part. This part's not dumb. It really does, uh, give me pause, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, why is it that animals don't need to wipe after browning?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why doesn't brown stay on their buttholes like it would ours?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love you, Jen. Thank you, Jen. What an interesting question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. That's really, really interesting answers, Tom. I think number one that you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number one, it's not the food that dictates the dog shit smell because dogs get into trash and they eat people's food and their shit still smells like dog shit. I think it's the bacteria in their guts. Number two,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, sometimes it gets stuck in their fur. Like Bitsy's had shit stuck to her fur. I think it's cause there's no hair around the right side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His smells like Chinese food, kinda. His smells like, uh, mooshu chicken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, would you rather... Hello? Yeah? Would you rather... Yeah? ...eat FIFA's dog food for one day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, I take you to the dog park, and that's where you shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All times. All times you have to shit. You have to shit like a dog in the dog park with the other dogs. You gotta squat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the steaks have to be the same. The dog food will make you sick. I don't want to make you sick for a whole week, but I would humiliate you for one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd eat Feef's food, it smells nice. It's got that gravy to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how far off from people's food is dog food, really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just for the show? Just for the show. What will you give me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, like uhm, okay, like, like uhm, a veggie chunk, can I not eat the meat part?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that expensive. Alright. It's like a hundred bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't listened to it. I couldn't download it on my iPhone. Should I try it? Yeah, let's see if it's any good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there he is! Holy shit, that guy was at the live show in Burbank and he talked some shit from the back row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very cool, man. Look at that. See our diverse listenership? You guys are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big deal. I mean, we didn't know this, but both candidates are listeners of your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom, I'm on the case. Who was trimming your beard back when we took these?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, but imagine a teacher having to memorize everybody's pronoun and if they fluctuate every day,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, get your life. No, boo boo, no, no, mm-mm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they look terrible, like they're cuffed too high, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But have it tailored to fit where your sneaker is so that it's like perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you, I got a pair of light denim recently from Lucky. They're called the little Maggie's and they're 90's style jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but you know, it's questionable, I kinda like them though, they work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think for dudes, darker is the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like them fancy either, I agree. You know, I don't like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, I don't like that gay shit either. And you know, even Trader Joe,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have these fancy fuckin' sausages, like chicken andouille with the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chunks of apple in there. It's fuckin' nasty, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I'll tell you the story, so I was at Flapper's doing shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Scott comes up to me and he goes, hey, he works at Flappers. He goes, hey, just so you know, I know the person who owned the house before you. I know that studio. I'm the sound engineer that worked for the guy that owned the studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, scored so many movies in this room. I couldn't believe it. He gave me his card and I immediately gave it to him because I knew he'd been having issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now wait, hold on, back to this meat, flavored meat discussion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A really big bite. So now here's my one thing I like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really like, uh, I like Whole Foods seasoned bacon that we've been getting lately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really good, they have the jalapeno garlic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that they do at whole farts. That's what they do right there. The butcher does it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, they do. They do? Cause sometimes they don't have it, and I ask them, where's the flavored bacon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he says, well we have the bacon in the back, but we haven't seasoned it yet. And I go, well fucking chop chop bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well not only that, I got a 12 year old girl to feed. I got a heavy scotch woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so much better than Xevia. You may have noticed I sabotaged your Xevia, and I put an all aqua.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, shut up. Where do you even get these disgusting drinks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Using your mom's house podcast. Dot com. Banner. Yeah. Click on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the Dr. Z. That's what I figured you would. Yea. I do like the grape though, I wish you'd up that grape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then he should have put a Juh, a J. J-I-F is a Jif.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, you know. Well, you know, it's like you're gonna demand that we all say it the wrong way. It's an irrational want. Sorry. I don't know your fucking pronoun, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's demanding that I ca- I call him Zimzor, and I don't even know it. I don't- you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we've been watching. Well yea yea yea. Let's not get off track.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell him, babe. Tell him. Uh, but what I can't get over is the perfect music that goes with it and how large that man's balls are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, hey maybe we should ask if you like getting your balls kicked and hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm also amazed at the size of those man's balls at the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so maybe, but here's my thinking, is that maybe biologically they're not as affected by the pain?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. Maybe that's, like, they don't have that much of a reaction to it. Yeah. Well, you can't. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and then his balls are like grapefruits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I've never seen balls that big and I keep watching because I like that, the finale. I don't really like seeing guys get hurt. That's not why I laugh. I laugh at, I laugh at the size of that guy's nuts and how hard she's pulling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's putt play, okay, for your sexual outlet. You've only two s- the sexual outlet of putt play or getting your nuts kicked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're heterosexual, I will make an allotment for a woman to be there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both cases. Now, you'll get to have, excuse me, sex in both scenarios. But before you do, the foreplay is either pop play or aggressive ball kicking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean look, nature, nature's protecting those nuts. Nature's telling you, hey, don't fuck with what's in here. What's in here is very important stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, that guy. Yeah, all of that stuff makes me laugh, like all the violent sexual fetishes, like, you know, clamping nipples and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny. I think what's funny, and we talked about this last night, after Bobby and Karen made Sweet Love, is that, like, who's got the fucking time? How do you have time? To develop these fetishes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean most people don't have that kind of- I don't got that kind of time having a baby and stuff like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, guess what? I like to have my nuts kicked, but this certain way. And I like to have her pull them at the very end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and especially because society will make you repress those desires a lot. Those are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are deeply repressed sexual fantasies, by the way. So you really gotta go deep. You gotta take time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. But the time investment, it's like going to therapy. You gotta go down into the layers and figure out. But you know what? Maybe it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like she's hitting him and then inadvertently grazes his nuts and he's like, well, that hurts, but I like that. Exactly. Next time, why don't you go ahead and. Can you step that up a little bit? But again, the time investment, my goodness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's intense. I-I don't know if I could... You know, it's funny cause you and I, once we put baby jeans down for the night,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you've got maybe, maybe a two hour window before you have to go to bed again and wake up at six in the morning with the kids, so it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no time for fantasy, you know, ball play and pop play and all that crap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like a practice. It's a technique. You gotta, you gotta really dedicate yourself to pop play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fact that he has to tell, I don't think he has to tell people that. Do you think he really needed to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause sometimes I feel like you don't need to be that specific with directions, but apparently you do, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and then you get mad at those fucking dilettante Sunday travelers who come with five loose bags, nothing is really tied together, and then one thing is up here, another thing is under, and this asshole is taking their time, and you're like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't do it, what you do is you put the bag before you sit down. Cause there's still more overhead usually in the front. Yea, but not first. Cause if they load, not at first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I always put mine in the row before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. My coach row or whatever the fuck I'm missing if I'm not in first class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so that way when you're on the way out, you pick up your bag, dipshit. Don't put it back. Lemme, lemme, up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We couldn't believe that. That was in 2008, dude. That's the year we got married. We had, our one luxury was cable TV. And we would laugh at that fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you do that in front of- but that's- that's when I embarrass you is when I'm usually trying to make you laugh in public and then you go


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like Nordstrom's my cap. Like that's about, um, comfortable. Some of the stuff there, but then, go ahead, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I go, gosh, if only, do you guys have like, plastic shorts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's buying the plastic shorts in the summertime? Crazy person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is absurd, and it's expensive, and uh, yeah, whatever. Uh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. He goes, the designer is French, by the way. It's, uh, it totally, by the way, all those clothes look like foreign cousin clothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's all denim and like different colors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they think I'm a total pig. They're always like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, my hero, they love, yeaah, they love Armani suit. This is Armani. Armani is the best. This is the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's too flashy for Americans. I bet you like a lot of tourists going there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because we pulled a pair of jorts that were like painted on and studs and shit. They're absurd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I often just, I like to look at that stuff and like, Stella McCartney, she always has stuff in Neiman Marcus. And I, sometimes I like her stuff, but I'm like, dude, I can't pay, I won't pay rather, $1500 for a pair of fucking sneakers with bedazzling on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think in the case of like, Estella McCartney, she doesn't have to work for money. It's one of those things where, this is like my pet project.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, daddy set up the estate for me, but I'd like to keep busy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what's your, what's, yeaah, I think a thousand dollars for Gucci sneakers is ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Asian, whatever people, or Saudi, the Saudi princess that's here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Visiting for her summer room spring or whatever before she gets married off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, like in Beverly Hills, I mean it's not really, it's not the locals who are shopping on Rodeo, it's tourists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They come, they all come together as a family and what. Well I heard a story, it's like those middle eastern girls who are about 20 years old. It's like their last hurrah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before they get married off or whatever, they'll come to like Beverly Hills and they'll come with their friends and their quote chaperones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just wear it all here and then put the fucking burk on once they get back home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways. I am buying your fucking crazy jorts for $800. Someone has to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna offer you, hear me out, one million dollars to wear the jorts and the cool shirt, the gold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like Eddie Izzard doing stand up and heels before like, wait, this guy's wearing fucking heels. It's so distracting. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's too bad. You know, maybe, maybe we'll get a nice, really expensive clothing line to sponsor your next special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and the older I get, look, this is as flashy as I go. I'm wearing an Adidas old school run DMC jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Track suit. This is, but this is my Eastern block roots. This is my Euro trash stuff. I like this, but this is a flashy dude. Strictly black, white, gray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I learned that lesson in public school too. Don't, don't look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just don't look. Whatever shit's going down, that's like the New York subway lesson, where you're like, don't look at a dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No sir, I do not know you. No sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's probably cranked out. You know what's great is that we're teaching our son about creepers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, that's a creeper. Tell him. That's what you've been telling him. That guy's creepy. Don't even look at that guy. But you gotta teach your kids eyes down. Don't even, don't look at crazy. Talk about it. Don't address it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I agree with her. This is exactly how I feel too. Every time I'm on a plane. So if this bitch is on my plane, I'd be like, yes, preach, yes. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's been times where I've had like, not when I was pregnant and nauseous as fuck, like, get me off this, or you're, you have diarrhea. You've had that, right, where you're like, I gotta shit, we gotta go, bro, or you're in traffic and you're like, move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get your fuckin' ass off. There are children! That's my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love when this kind of shit happens though, it just brings a smile to my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is my one, uhm, the one thing about New York City that I really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I'd move there just for the subway crazy, cause I feel like there's a lot more action in public in New York City than in LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I often think about how strong his thigh muscles must have been. That's what you think about? Yes. Cause that was a prolonged squat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do think about it, and I saw the poo falling down. That's the craziest part is that, like, we saw a man shitting in an alleyway together, Tom, together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, you, uh, had an interesting thing happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, bad bite. She better get her fucking tampon in before that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got a bad bite. Well, and also, uhm, it is a joke of yours, but the origin is in truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In that one time you had such a violent brown, this is in our home in Silver Lake, that I could hear it from the living room, and you came out and I said, do we have to go to the emergency room?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's your go-to binge. I think my go-to binge is wine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's when you would have them. I remember I would make a record mentally. After Snooshie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we would tend to order the fried items, maybe like a tempura something, uhm, sometimes rich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think there's anything funnier to me personally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we're driving home from any restaurant and the diarrhea hits you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I know that you're driving at the top of the speed limit. And I can just, I like, I know where you are emotionally. Cause I've been there too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's even worse when you get the key in the door, cause you're like, I'm gonna shit my pants now. It's like your butthole knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're back on the, uh, keto. That must be it. It's got to be the carbs, the sugar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe your, what's that thing everyone has? Ciliac?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, what's that shit called, man? The fucking gluten shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you, you stopped eating that wheat, the gluten. You cut it out of your diet and that maybe you had a gluten intolerance. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's definitely a Trish moment. Gosh, she really gets down that girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, personally, it's a little too theatrical for my tastes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like we're in such good company with these little booties and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think we should suggest this to the prez. He's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the president too. You know, his outfit's gotten better. Old Trump 90s and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How great would it be if this guy really did give, like, all the talks, all the speeches, take over the Twitter account?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's my vanity, but he appealed to it and I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn it, hold on, let me get comfortable, I gotta like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uh, I gotta tell you, you gotta get those teeth fixed, man. That's the thing about the great British baking show I'm into right now on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Since we don't eat carbs anymore, I feel like at least I can watch people baking them. Jesus. So, but their teeth are so fucking gnarly. Julie's are bad. Julie's are bad too, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the, the first laugh was good. The first laugh was better. The second, the second laugh wouldn't, no. I'm thinking from an animation casting standpoint. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now there's really a little excuse, people, and why not just get the perfect smile?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] International, Gene. It's exciting. It's exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] June 1 through 3, Denver, Denver, Denver, come on you works, the downtown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up, bro? Uh, if you're interested in that, go to thatseapropodcast.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're shopping on Amazon, use our banner. Please go to yourmomshousepodcast.com, click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage, do your shopping as you normally would, just kicks back some change. And now we've added to UK as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're there and in Canada, do your chabernet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. That was a maze. I fell asleep at 10 and woke up at 8. That's the longest I've slept in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say easily two years. And I mean that. Like, you know, especially because you can't really relax with the kid in the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because if I hear him even like running around, it's, you're still in, I'm still in mom mode. Of course. You can't even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, we made a reservation again next month. Once a month, we're going to spend the night away and we're going to just rest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean by that I mean like I had two whole glasses of wine before sundown and then one, uh, with dinner. And I was like, I'm ripped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the best part is that we ordered a fuck load of sushi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, we're always pleased to meet a mommy in any corner of the world. But your sushi server? Come on, that's perfect for us. It's symbiotic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, just finally to not be judged for the amount of food that we've been ordering at sushi, cause we've been ordering a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, there's a lot that, it's not practical knowledge, but I will say it, it makes your brain, it's like brain gymnastics, so that you can retain and understand things. It's just gymnastics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, this is why smart people work with missiles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is why dum-dums like us don't have our finger on the button of these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horiba Ramen Academy. What in the world is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so funny, dude? I was thinking how stupid I am. How you were saying, like, do you remember any of this shit from school? Like, if our son were to ask me, hey, why does it rain? I'd be like, I don't fucking know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is the sky blue? I don't know. Something about the ocean. I don't fucking know. It's because of the light in the sky. Google it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I kind of am of that school, I don't know. We'll see how my kid turns out, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I didn't even put that shit together. Thanks bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, dude, I didn't even realize sticks. And what were the sticks again? Xanax. Ah, shit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's start with the root cause here. Because all you feel like, uh, waxing his butt hair is, it's, it's an effect, not the cause. Like let's get to the root.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, I recommend, ask somebody who went shit to shower for years, because I have a clean asshole, I have a hairless asshole more or less, and my wipes were disastrous for a long time, and I would just go shit to shower as we mentioned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit in the morning, drink your coffee, and then you're not shitting at work. Can you, can you move around your dumping schedules a little?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it, yea. And I would say since it's a work toilet and who gives a fuck if you clog it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's also discuss the inferior quality of office toilet paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The person next to you is doing less, but maybe they're lazy, you don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now your cleanup's gonna be different at the office because of the inferior quality of toilet paper. Keep that in mind. Try not to judge yourself. Try not to be so hard on yourself with how much toilet paper you're using.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wet wipes. I might even suggest, you know, going to Rite Aid and getting a little thing of personal Kleenex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like your idea of bringing water. It's just kind of, I feel conspicuous. Will people notice what he's doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, there's also been some chatter, uh, out there on the interwebs that I might be the burp champion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, just people from last week's promo on Instagram, a lot of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just whatever you guys, you know, I'll leave it up to the audience. You guys are the big deciders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way. This has to be a voice over, a dub over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had no idea we had such fans in law enforcement. I had no clue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just upped the, the, the hi mommy thanks jeans game. Now you have to understand that this, this tape opens up the category.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unreal. I mean we, we had the improv, right? She's answering the phones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we had the liquor store clerk doing hi mommy thanks jeans. Oh my god. So now we're in law enforcement. We have infiltrated all corners of the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this is, this is a maze. Like we've started, what was started like as a drive through joke, is now a face to face bartender joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's now law enforcement pulling people over in cars. It's bananas! It's just, it's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi on the menus today. A lot of Taco Bell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yesterday we were having breakfast with little jeans and your dad was facetiming on the toilet. I didn't want to look at him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do. Remember when we were talking to your mom on their anniversary last week? Yea. She was looped, she was kinda drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that you use that for one of your promos for your standup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why I don't like that clip? Cause it's like she's vomiting in the beginning, I don't like that.