[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. The game is just elevated. So much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Haha. It's a little things in life, you know. Makes life so much... Alrighty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How was Burt's eating on your night out with him? Uh, well we ate like pigs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I gotta say that from the time Hi Mommy Thanks Jeans started to where Hi Mommy Thanks Jeans is now, it's just like a quantum leap. It's just, you guys are so-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I retweeted this video because I thought it was just so great. Oh shit, that's him. Well, now it's all connected. All right. Well, thank you. Thank you for the queue. That was delightful. Really good stuff. Yeah. Holy moly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, did you see what he did? What masterful thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't leave his name. The masterful thing this gentleman did


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Right. That's the best is the, the, the letting them re translate what you just said. God kiss my pussy chicken. I, oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No clue. I wonder if that's in California. We don't have those here. Oh, fucking fuck, that was great. Kiss my pussy chicken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I don't know if you guys noticed how much water my husband drank and how much I've been drinking. Go ahead, show the audience how much you drank this whole episode. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yours are Maltese zips, mine are Doberman gulps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Soda counts against your water intake. Everybody knows that. It's not soda. Oh, what is it then? It's water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aznam water. How come the what does it say? Zero calorie soda. It says here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's got sweetener in it, so it takes away from your water intake. And it contains caffeine, so it's negative water. It contains caffeine, so it's negative water. Well this one contains caffeine. Let me see yours. Okay. I don't believe you. You just wrote that on it. It says so much caffeine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it says, Tom's teeth were D minus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Secrets of the Living Dolls, Monday at 10. There's a whole series on it? The best is her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can make Deceptual Maps within minutes and that's available at DeceptualMaps.com over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first thing you need to do is set up your uh, so you need a list of brands, at least two attributes, the attributes scored, and then if you want to, this is optional, you can include a market share.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you'll have to do and don't fucking wanna do. And I also know


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand the thrill of the tight latex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna have to pay you a thousand and me a thousand. Yeah, that's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you understand that the caca will go into your pants and you will smell like you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And put it as far away as I can to put it in the washer and then spray it before that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're going to be looking at another way of dealing with inhomogeneities in the field through a trick known as the spin echo. Let's go back to first principles for a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that that oscillating transverse magnetic field has the effect of causing the nuclear magnetization to move from its equilibrium position pointing along the magnetic field to being processing at some particular angle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is to have that magnetization lying in the transverse plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, we'll see. Obviously, they're still right there. This one hurts. Uhm, you know, just when you look back and you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna see if I can't. I gotta be careful here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know what? Can you make that a large? I got a really bad bite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have stuff online like on Facebook or Lincolndon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, fucking camp, you know what? We're just making a meal. I'm sorry, can we make it a combo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think that's it, so. Oh, I see it on the screen here. Uh, what's the total?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told her, he was telling me that, he was like, uh, yeaah. I said to, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody that's my son, and then the guy goes, top dog! And I go, that's me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've been on, I know a lot of billionaires and to the best of my knowledge I never saw one wearing a fucking pair of jeans. Not one!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Sal and I have lived all over the world. We used to live in Monte Carlo. This is how they dress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know you think that somehow designer jeans, I don't know what that means, I have some. In fact, I only got jeans in the last four or five years and my kids think it's a riot when they see me in them. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, designer jeans, I guess it's because when they cost seven, eight hundred bucks, I guess that's them. You know, that's the definition of designer jeans. You probably don't pay seven, eight hundred bucks for jeans, but anyway. Uh, here at Costco, you can get jeans for eighty bucks. For eighty euros, or forty euros.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And somehow, for some reason, women's jeans cost more than men's. Does anybody know why? Because women are stupid!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why, there's less material, unless you got, you know, some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, I don't understand why women's jeans, anybody on YouTube, you little fucking wimps, uh, email me and tell me why women's jeans cost more when there's less material, unless you got a big hog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, but in my case yeaah, I love you but I don't wanna have sex with you. You know? And uh, and I just, I could live just on lust, you know, and I'm 70. So I mean, but I love you YouTube. Okay. Okay. Any Chinese, got any Chinese shit to say? Alright. Ting Wing Jing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chinese got any Chinese shit to say? Ting Wing Jing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And somehow, for some reason, women's genes cause the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had many skeezers in your life and you never tell me about these skeez bags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. You're victorious though. I mean, you did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause we've been thinking about this as the weeks have come to a close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we were like, there's, he's probably, he, Bird's not known for the slow and steady approach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I mean, I heard him, he picked up, he's in some other country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But enough to hopefully put you over it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he has to out underway you by two and a half pounds to win tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So your lead theoretically, yeaah, so you have to hold that lead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I-I-I have full confidence in you. I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We know this is team sagura all the way last night. I shaved your back for you. Um, a lot of people on Instagram were, they were crediting my back shaving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five or ten ounces if you look at the amount of hair in the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And would those meals consist of pizza or chicken wings?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to say your discipline, your, uh, your dedication to the game has really been an inspiration to me. I don't think I've, I haven't seen you this laser focused.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uh, you know, you're focused about your work. Obviously I wouldn't say that never, but I mean, you've lost so much weight since August. Before this bet, by the way, like this is something that's been in the works with you for a long time and has been like a switch flipped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and in 2017, I'm sure like so many people's New Year's resolutions, it's to lose weight. And ever since I've been doing Pilates now, I do it twice a week. I've just, not long, it's only been a couple months that I've been doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it really changes, it changed me already. Like, you know, I feel stronger, yeaah, but also like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The discipline of just fucking doing it. You know what? Fuck my brain. Fuck what my mind's telling me. I just do it and I don't think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because your body burns the sugar off before it will get to the fat. The reason, I mean there's a lot of other reasons, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what Burt said today on, on Rogan's show, he's like, you just can't fucking eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just stop fucking eating. Because the truth is, even if you're doing this keto, but you're eating a five pound steak,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And hammer, you know, doing all the veggies. If your caloric intake is still too much, you're going to be fucking fat still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your portions are big. Now, so basically it's a little bit of protein with some fat to keep you going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's wonderful because they were very explosive and we were, we were troubled. Now you gave up sugar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which for you was, I mean, you were the guy who we passed by a shop and if there was a chocolate croissant in sight, it was in your gullet. Quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that you loved pastries. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never cause I hate it and I still hate it. It's not that I enjoy exercising. It's that I have to because I'm 40 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is it for me. Like I can't do the second half of my life out of shape. I refuse to hate myself because I don't like my body. I haven't liked my body since I was 17 years old. I'm sick and tired of it. Thank you. Um, what the fuck? I don't even know what the fuck I was going to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the diet stuff. Oh, oh, there is a point where you start to go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the chocolate croissant, is the joy, the momentary joy of the chocolate croissant going to make me...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happier in the long run, meaning tomorrow when I step on the scale and I know I fuck myself out of today's diet, is that, is that gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do I wanna go backwards and gain it and then try to go, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't, and it's not worth the temporary, you know, you ever heard, uh, that saying Kate Moss? She goes, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've, I've always remembered that when I'm around like, should I, oh I wanna cheat, uh, got all these pastries lying around, this, this Christmas I maintained, I didn't lose, I just stayed the same weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I would always think Kate Moss, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to flog yourself anymore for being a fat fuck. You don't have to hate yourself every time you go shopping. I heard you guys talking about that today on the show too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the worst. When I first had Ellis, I was, I weighed in at 208 when we, when we went to the hospital to deliver him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I'm saying as a woman, I've never weighed 200. And I know, yes, I know that's baby. Yes, that's fluid somewhat. But a lot of that's fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't look at the scale for months until we moved out of Redondo because I just knew that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To start on that journey would really, you know, you gotta be ready to start losing weight before you do that after a baby. You shouldn't be flogging yourself over your weight after you have a kid, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what I did though is I would buy nice clothes at the appropriate size. So then you go, okay, I'm going to surrender to this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're not going to flog yourself every day when you're in the process of getting in shape or losing weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the number's good because then you can be like, I gotta weigh myself to see how, cause you don't know how fat you're getting. Yeah, that's true. Unless you have that number and then you're like, oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not for boys. I feel like men, you guys, all you have to do is stop drinking soda. And you're like, I lost 20 pounds. But women, our body holds on to fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we need it for like getting periods, making babies, feeding babies. Our body, we're mammals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I bet you LA native. That guy sounds like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I felt bad. I was like, you got home, and I'm like, oh my god, I hope I wasn't too mean to Burt. I mean, you know, we're just talking shit, and I do, god, the last thing I want to do is really be serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? You don't talk about that shit. Don't brag about that shit. God damn. It's not cool. Tacky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that's the first instance that we saw where she was like, and, uh, it's a wonderful thing. And this country, uh, like what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn it. Now on one hand, a four day cruise, you're in, you're out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the beauty of your father, is that no matter where you take him, all he's gonna want to do is sit in the hotel room and watch Turner Classic movies. That's all he wants to do. So why even make him travel? Like, it doesn't matter where you go, that's why he's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the thing is, I think he thinks England is just America with funny accents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's cute? He goes, I got my calorie counting book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you being serious? Yeah. You're not gonna drink it all until tomorrow?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, right. Just have a sip of my water, seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So excited about this movement. I really am. I think of all the things we've done, this is definitely one of my favorites.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, do you want to play what we've been working on and how that's influenced America, really, when you think about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you noticed, but I incorporated Jess Glass in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is another level I think we should start adding more and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you can add more of your mom's house sayings, the better the order. So let's step this game up a notch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you gotta know I love you. So now the game is elevated. We've got just glass and if you can tell somebody you love them, that might be a whole...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just glassin'. Kiss my pussies a little much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that he put his job on the line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I have to say this really takes the whole hi mommy thanks jeans game up a notch because not only this guy put his employment on the line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For your mom's house, no. Uhm, but no, you're right, nobody complained.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeans became the official thing of California or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, someone sent us an article about how jeans have become the official California fabric or something like that. I don't know. Let me look it up. That's what this is for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. I'm very excited. I used to go there as a kid and it changed owners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, Governor Jerry Brown just signed a bill naming denim the official fabric of California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. It's fitting, it's fitting given the state is the birthplace of Levi Strauss. The company first passed it, passeted its iconic blue denim jeans in San Francisco back in 1873.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in addition to February 12th at the Irvine Improv with my jeans, uh, May 4th and 5th, Fartnicks Arizona at Stand Up Live. May 19th through 20th, Jew Dork Titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love it. So far, this is great. This is just the beginning of 2017. I'll see what goes down. You know what I'm saying? You feeling me? Oh, also, check out that Steve Roe if you haven't already. I just talk some fucking shit. I get fucking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about life, getting your entire life, stuff like that, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Washington Dickcom's fantastic. I had the best time there. You're gonna like the way you look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kataisam, that necklace, I know where the f- that's from freaking H&M, dude. He ain't no real Indian. I have that necklace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a bullshit. Oh, he grazed her titty, so he's grazing her tits. Of course. Of course. Only when the whole body is warmed up do you connect with the yoni. The yoni.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are all about your, uh, feelings for, and like, not really. They're all the same. Same strokes. I know a lot of women who are hardcore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horse. Thugs. Bitches who don't give a fuck about feelings. I know girls who fuck harder than dudes that, you know what I'm saying, like their numbers are crazier than dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got a rub around her. You know how aggravating that is to a woman by the way? When a fucking dude rubs around your pussy like, no dude, get in there bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. It's frustrating when guys do all this, oh, I have to be extra special because no you don't, just fucking touch it bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, and I gotta tell you, to his credit, if he didn't have on his H&M necklace and his ridiculous belt and the sheet, he's just some fucking mediocre looking guy with a bun on his head who would never be able to get the twin goddess activation. So, you know what? He's figured shit out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of chick is, uhm, drawn to the, the bun guy with the twin goddess?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, big piece of shit that guy is. Ask them, will you ever date your mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a thing that girls don't realize? Oh, I was gonna say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, oh, oh, you know what it is? I think women, a lot of the time, they make a mistake with dudes. It's cause they want dudes to act like women. You know what I'm saying? So they think, like, this fucking asshole with his ponytail and his H&M necklace, like, oh, he's sensitive, he's like a chick, but he's got a penis. Like, no bro, oh, thank you for bringing that. Like, that's why you gotta go for, like, a dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because a fucking dude is straight forward. You know what I'm saying? Like, endues it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that too, and look, you're never gonna find a girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop fucking making, stop trying to make your boy, your husband, your girlfriend. It's never gonna fucking happen. That's why you have girlfriends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He's like, what? It's all love. It's all love. I'm just spreading my unit, yeah. This looks really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that goes without saying, I'm gonna have my fire, my flame t-shirt. That was in it. And then caution tape maybe over my mouth. No, I don't know what's gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Halfway there. Oh, I like that one. But I want it to signify danger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, oh, you know what's another good one too, when the microphone is like a gun or something. Oh, that's cool, yeaah. Bang, you know. Tough. Oh no, or maybe, and maybe the, that one, the funny stuff happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cease fire. These, my jokes are the bomb. Something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I would have liked in the Photoshop though? Now I guess he did it right because it wouldn't be a gradual fade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that guy would twin goddess activate me if I had that haircut?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awww, good job. There you go. Oh, very exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, sometimes when you're just glassing, you learn things, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that guy cleaning out that toilet. Remember that guy with one tooth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The su- it's called the super and it's called that because it's super depressing. That show is a fucking bummer, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're pretty bad. They're- they all got bed bugs and- Well that's cause of the people in it. Are disgusting animals. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a lot of them have, you know, alcohol and drug abuse stuff happening too. I watched another episode. Remember the woman that was living with this piece of shit guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he? Oh yea, to the Asian lady. He was like, now you're kind, you're good for an Asian or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, so we watched that. That was cool. And then, oh, we went to go feed the ducks yesterday with our son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, back in the day in the 80s, you could just bring your loaf of bread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And throw it at the ducks, and it's like the best day ever. So we took our little boy there yesterday, and I brought a loaf of leftover German rye bread. A loaf. A loaf, cause I didn't, I'm not eating that shit, yeah. My dad ate a couple pieces when he was here, and uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was no, uhm, there were no signs right there. There was one sign around the entire two mile radius of that thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, my god, no. But no wonder we were getting so many dirty looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Kiwis get very upset if you don't identify their accents. And you being the master.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a liar face. I guess for that documentary they didn't want them to seem like total fetish derelicts. But these guys are coming all over the place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just unlace your patent leather pants in public anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We know that. His pants are not very porous either. If you're wearing patent leather. And I know that from my goth days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't need this guy to tell you how to grab your nuts and smell your fingers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? Interestingly enough, the very first time I ever, uh, saw Bert Kreischer, he was, we were living in the ghetto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was pulled up in front of our apartment building and I just happened to be coming in from our garage and I looked out onto the street and I saw a guy in a big SUV doing this, just smelling his hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just during the day, if you've got a minute in between, in between jobs. Yeah. If you're not talking to your boss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unzip your leather pants. Untie. Unlace them, that lunatic. Had them laced up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to ThousandRanch.com and buy some tickets to see those big mushy purples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy? Would you marry your dad? Tommy? Would you marry your dad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no feeling like killing the enemy. Well, there's keeping the lady alive for a week in my basement, burying her in a field, but still the enemy is the enemy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember when I farted and burped at the same time, like remember my first kiss. Actually it all happened on the same day. He's laughing through his lines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lot of people burp, then fart, or fart, then burp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to TomSegura.com and click on this door. Buy stuff from my buddy. Tommy, would you marry your dad? I'm just glassing. Glass, glass, glass all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to ThousandRanch.com and buy some tickets to see those big mushy purples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a big announcement. I'm Polly. I'm bi. And I'm marrying a squirrel. Would you like to come to the wedding?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to the Orlando Airport, terminal B, gate 55, men's room, third stall on the left, that's where I left my trousers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to the Orlando Airport, Terminal B, Gate 55, Men's Room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Third stall on the left. That's where I left my drossus. I'm the fart master. I fart, I shit, and I teach. I love stamps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mommy, I'd like a double tall iced, uh, soy latte. Okay. And a bottle of water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, why don't I start with my love for denim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it, Tom. You do it. You do it. You've been doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you mean you're gonna take him to Paris? Shit, you haven't taken me to Paris!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He asked you to shit in his mouth and so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least Tipos can take a dip for relief. I've got to tough it out on land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here I have the capsules from each, the RE20 and the RE320. As you can see they're quite different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The missile knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guidance subsystem uses deviations to generate corrective commands to drive the missile from a position where it is to a position where it isn't and arriving at a position where it wasn't, it now is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Consequently, the position where it is is now the position that it wasn't. And it follows that the position that it was is now the position that it isn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. I asked him. I asked him. I asked him. I asked him, would you ever date your mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was all, I was all like yeaah, and then he's all like yeaah, and then we were all like yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like the gaze. Yea. Jesus, what a c-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And I was like, would you ever date your mom? And he's like, yeah, I would date my mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, would you ever consider dating your mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and sometimes I call you like my son or Juan Ojito, but not all the time because you're my son. I want to make sexes with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do this Sunday in Indianapolis at Morty's Comedy Club. Yeah. October 24th, Cincinnati at Go Bananas, and then December 9th and 10th, the Washington, DC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're gonna use Amazon, the holidays are coming, kitties. They're coming fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yourmomshousepodcast.com, go to the banner at the bottom of the homepage, click on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't travel with packages. You know why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TSA is gonna tear it up. You think TSA is gonna respect your nice gift wrapping that you did? Hell no. They're gonna unwrap it, ruin your stuff. Have it sent in advance. Ship it with Amazon.


[User] Please transcribe this text


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's your older lady attraction. She's your freebie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe! She's your freebie. That's my hall pass? That's your hall pass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit. I didn't think about that because it would show up in the subscriber feeds. Like they're- Oh shoot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the reason being the first 39 we did with the original Red Band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In his studio, and then we move the studio to our own home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not chronologically ordered, but they're all there now and they're on our, uh, Libsyn page. Uh, if you want to go, go just Google your mom's house RSS. Yeah. And it'll come up all the back catalog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this ding-dong floating around this woman who's like, Donald Trump, he forced himself on me. I was a contestant for Miss Universe and I liked it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you were gonna announce that you're lactose intolerant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shrimps. So maybe the cheese was pushed out by the shrimp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't turn that light on. That light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you'll do that and I'll do that. Uh, here's my theory with you because we both just had shrimp that I made at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I feel fine and then you shit your brains out and I heard it through the bathroom door. What's wrong, Boo Boo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you don't think- that's better. That's better. You don't think you're lactose at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that, that 23andMe shit that we did or whatever the fuck that genetic thing was says that we're both lactose intolerant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, the lactose thing, that's, you know, genetic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So stupid. She got diarrhea again. So our baby got sick for the first time ever. I mean, 10 months old, our baby got his first fever. It was a fucking nightmare because of course you were out of town. So I had to deal with this all alone as usual. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The squirrel outside, it could be someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, then go get her. The only other option is to have her in the room with you. Then go get her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for fuck's sake, I have to vamp now? Oh, for crying out loud. So, okay, fine. The kid was sick for the first time in ten months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, uh, the kid's sick. I'm in a fucking lather. I don't know if you have babies, but the first time your baby gets sick, at least for me, put me in a full panic, a full lather. I mean, I was having like severe anxiety attacks. Oh, hi, stupid. Fee's been shitting in my closet this week. Hi. Um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeah, I wake up at two in the morning and Bitsy has diarrhea. Four AM, she has diarrhea. It was a nightmare. I had to shove a modium down her throat because the vet told us we could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's her way of saying I want to come up there with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then FIFO has shit in my closet twice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's sending a very direct message though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't let you up right now, I'm working. Okay, come on, come sit in my lap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Feveroni. Okay, Pepperchoni. Okay, Caneloni.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it's her friend. I think Salome is a family member.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or a daughter or it's somebody, it's a family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a women's lib, right? You're supposed to be a slut. You're proud of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think that the members of the Wu-Tang Clan would be savages? That's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, uh, the Grateful Dead. Nice guys, hippie guys with ponytails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I got your back, but you best to watch your front because it's the niggas who front that be pulling stunts. Wow!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I said, this isn't like, um, you know, this isn't yawning. You're not blowing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A folk band. They're, they're known to be savages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the only reason they're saying that stuff is because of this Trump thing and it's in the air. And it's, it's like a topic, hot topic or whatever. Please, it's so dumb. It is dumb. Listen, if you're stupid enough to want to blow the Wu-Tang Clan in the first place, I mean, of course it's going to feel bad, sweetie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, obviously. I know, but I just feel like, you know. And look, I've known you for a million years. You're the least sexual, pro-sexual assault person on the planet. I guarantee it wasn't, uh, intended that way. Of course not. So dumb. You know, people get their panties in a bunch over Trump and now they're transferring all that energy to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you want nine different guys to nut in your mouth? Period.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in all sincerity, as a woman, I don't think I could think of a band I would least want to blow all the members up. First of all, there's nine guys, minimum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think if there's ever- I- I- I- Modest Mouse, they'd be a good choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does yoga. Did you know that Mick Jagger, oh we talked about this, didn't we, on Joe Rogan's show, that he does yoga too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, you wanna blow, you don't wanna blow the older guys. That takes forever. Forget it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. You wanna blow the young buck, the twenty, the beavers of the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't want to blow like a heavy metal like metallic. Those guys stink, right? All their dicks smell bad. All their balls would be smelly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I wouldn't, yeaah, I wouldn't blow, uh, a metal band and I would not do a Wu-Tang for sure. Not, not a good choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's your water? It's not water. That is a sparkling water-essenced drink called La Croix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did I tell you, I talk about this in my act, how they had to like, tell us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we didn't, we raised ourselves in the 80s. Sure. I talk about this, how much, these were great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fantastic. Right? But I tell you what, you saw that as a kid. I bet you didn't fuck with them power lines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that. Stop, Drop, and Roll. Remember that show with Emanuel Lewis?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. You gotta tell kids from the age of four, hey, drugs are bad, don't get set on fire, don't touch the fucking power lines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they put a gun in the dog's head and said, please give us a pound or I'll have to pull the trigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I remember there was a campaign about, um, like loose lips sink ships. Yeah. During, uh, the war. Yeah. And there's those like posters that say like, basically if you blab secrets, you're murdering your countrymen. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My ex-stepmom hated, have a nice day, or how ya doin' folks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I absolutely, I don't know why, I mean it's because I'm grumpy when I wake up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, she reminds me of actually this last voicemail from Persian Lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very similar to the email, the voicemails I would receive. Like the conspiracies, the so and so's out to fuck me, I gotta get this person back, yea. Super normal stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you have a good, no, you have a nice fucking day. No, she wrote that to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell the story why? Of course, of course. So, my parent, my mother remarried to this nice, my stepdad, this nice Indian guy, right? They divorce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I decide to write my former stepfather an email just to say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, hey, I know things went south with you and my mom. I just want to say thanks for being a cool stepdad for 17 years you were in my life and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then on the letter, the printed email wrote, have a nice fucking day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I caught you. Right. Caught me being nice to the man that was my stepdad for 17.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My name's Carla all day, and I ain't ashamed of it. Why would you be ashamed? Woooo!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna kiss my pussy too. That was, that was probably one of my favorite YMH talks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch your profanity. Yep, yep. Watch your profanity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. Interesting is a good way of putting it. Isn't that crazy that you still married me despite... So my dad, the first time you meet him...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a fun foreigner. Yeah. Like Charo, your mother, is like a fun foreign mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's real, real. She was convinced, it's, it's, I'm so glad she's dead now, I can talk about this stuff, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, she was always convinced that someone's out to get her, the woman at Bloomingdale's. And one time, I'll never forget, we went to a sushi bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You fucking gook bitch. Don't fucking sit me next to the toilet. You fucking gook bitch. And I was like, alright, we gotta go. You can't even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember someone cut her off in traffic. I remember one time when I was a little, little girl, someone cut her off in traffic and the woman gave a look to my mom, some look, my mom was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, are you going to fucking cry? Like she was so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She would, uh, fight with people for parking spaces. Like we were at a parking lot in San Diego. Oh, you're gonna fucking cry. Like she was so crazy. And my mother was fighting for a spot once in San Diego and yelling at people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yes, not at that, not at that moment. So what we did was later, he goes, oh, I was Indian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's uh, let's go for some ice cream. Pistachio ice cream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, cause we used to go to the Rite Aid, they're now called Rite Aids, whatever, Thrifty, and that was his flavor. So, I didn't know, I was a teenager, I'd get in the car, would go to the Thrifty's for the ice cream, he goes, hold on, I gotta do something, gets out of the car,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stab, stab, stab, stab, this guy's tires. Back in the car, and we go got, we got pistachio ice cream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lunacy. And I also didn't want you to know the extent of it, cause I wanted to marry normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He used to fight with people in movie theaters, uhm, someone would be talking in the theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he stood out. You fucking shut up. You wanna take it outside? Like it was one of those...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like fire and kerosene, and the two of them together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the mom was like, don't talk to my kid like that, obviously. And then I escalated into take to the parking lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's a lot man. I talk about it on SDBro. Because, you know what I found though, a lot of people have wacky parents more than have normal. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so bad, and I knew it was wrong then. You know, even when I grew up in it, and you grew up in it, you think that's the norm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I remember being like 10 years old and thinking,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Surely I was adopted. I swear to God I had the thought that one day someone's gonna knock on the door and tell me that I was actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, it's taken years of therapy to reprogram, like, to unlearn the bad learning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, if that's all you, but I knew into, I was like, this is not, this doesn't feel good to me. Cause I knew that the people, like I go to school and I go to my friends houses and I knew that their parents weren't the same way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's not just the immigrant thing, because that's one layer of difference in your home, but it was like, oh, somebody's mentally ill, and somebody's a bit of a sociopath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's something else. Yeaah. Yeaah, something special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someday there will be a book about this. I'm sure there will. Or a movie or something. Cause my god. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Yea. It's a crazy time. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the UK's great at? I remember in the 90s, if you bought a pack of cigarettes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was way, but it wasn't like these bullshit surgeon general warnings. There are pictures of like black lungs and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That too, yes. And we don't do well with reality in the United States.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I just wrap our son in bubble wrap and make sure he never gets sick again and never hurts himself ever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know about that. Like create an alternate world that's totally safe that he can just play in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your toilets will be scrubbed. You'll be nice and skinny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I wouldn't clean and get high. I'd do other things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I read this email from a listener about the dog shit food?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So last week, uhm, I ate a little bit of dog food just to see if my poo would smell as bad as dog shit. Cause someone wrote in and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They help the dog mark its territory. No shit. The problem is that with modern dog food made of cow brains and maggots...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem is that modern dog food made of cow brains and maggots, there often isn't enough fiber in a dog's diet to push


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what causes dogs to drag their asses across the carpet. If that doesn't work, you might have to stick a finger in there and squeeze all that out. We don't do that. We take our dogs to the vet and they do anal gland expression. Cause if you do it by the groomers, they don't really get in there the way the vet does. Just a little tip, if you guys have dogs, take them to the vet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's interesting, I didn't know that their anal glands make it smell bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blake, how do I know those two waters are in fact my waters?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't say he had them tested for my saliva to make a genetic match.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blake, bullshit, I've been getting reports about you, your lack of hydration in South Carolina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I didn't, I heard lots of reports that you didn't take any sips during your show, you didn't bring any water up on stage, things of that nature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made you read that because I want to shame you into making that appointment. You just had a violent diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this. Hi, Zimjeans and Zurjeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to chime in on the shower debate that isn't really a debate. Tom is correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That for showers that are shower slash tub combos with shower curtains as opposed to shower doors you enter from the rear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, glad that Christina quickly realized how stupid it was that she did the opposite for so many years. However...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to quickly point out that in most bathrooms with this type of shower-tub deal, the toilet is parallel to the tub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just think to all your many experiences in hotel bathrooms to know what I'm talking about, but the average bathroom is literally set up to naturally allow you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To enter the shower from the rear. Stop fighting the natural architecture of the bathroom floor plan. This madness must end. Love the pod. Huge fan. Thanks Rick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, because our old bathroom, the toilet was directly parallel to the shower. So I would get off the toilet and then squeeze my way in between the toilet and the shower because it was so small in a real place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I really made an effort to do it that way. So funny. That seemed more intuitive to me than the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't lower it. Not manually, it must be lowering over time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, how does that work? Cause everyone's million dollar smile looks identical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not custom made because everybody's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's a gap. That's not a knocked out two. They had the same problem. So then how does that? It makes no sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they look real clunky too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See for her, that's an okay investment. But for him, all you need is some bonding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She didn't go to the dentist for like 20 years. Now you got the million dollar smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm gonna go with three easy payments of $19.99.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I say to dental insurance, as we've discussed, is horse shit anyways. Oh, fuck dental insurance. I don't have dental insurance, no one does. Just go fucking, go do it. Just go do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look how it's terrible, look how red the guns are. Look like you have periodontal disease. Oh, okay, well look it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that, the gums are, are, first of all, they gotta match. And not everybody has the same color gums.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shape of your mouth. That's why veneers are so expensive because somebody custom crafts them to match your everything else. The length, the width, the shape has to go with your, what you have already. You can't just one size fits all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Veneers. God damn. Get your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fifth is our nanny. Putting our kid down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Oh, oh, she looks terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got, you know why she looks slutty? There's no lowlights. When you bleach your hair blonde, you gotta have lowlights. You can't just do one...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I want, I like him immediately. I like her. I feel like she's like a, like a working mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't do shit with your perfect smile. Can I wear it more than once?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we order one? Let's order it just to see what it's like. Okay. I'm dying to see how, let's order it and I'll try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's bullshit. There's no reason it's $13 for shipping and handling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's stupid. We ship things from stamps.com. It doesn't cost that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you ready? I can't wait to see your perfect smile. I can't talk wearing perfect smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't eat, don't sleep, and don't try to talk with your perfect smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. If you're getting the perfect smile, things have not gone well for you. You're making bad decisions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do it every ten years, I re-up and I have to get two new front teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it was a nice, definitely funnier than the horrifying PSA we just saw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are so many pussies around your presidential campaign on both sides that I prefer not to comment about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes it's the person with the most STANIMA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Part of it is to get your rest and get your energy and your stamina going before, before you enter the ring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're sick you should stay down until you get better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're dime a dozen. True. But one real woman, one real woman, that's gonna love you and respect you to the end of time, is worth having.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it. I liked it. Especially because you're a big liar with this poop pile nonsense. What do you mean? Everybody knows it's a lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've had me, you've tried to fool me for the last 11 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me one person who actually was on the poo pile, that put on the poo pile, that's not one of your best friends who lies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had people vomit in that showroom a few times on me. I had a tweaker run up to the stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uh, I go on tour, I do one-nighters now. September 27th, Seattle, Washington at the Tacoma Any Comedy Club. Uh, September 28th, Chartland, Oregon at the Helium Comedy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, uh, get the tickets now for all those shows at thousandranch.com. T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D, ranch.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, if you do your shopping on Amazon, please use our banner at http://www.yourmomshousepodcast.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then my cousins are coming up from Riverside, not that far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My aunt. The whole clan's gonna be here, guys. It's gonna be crazy. But uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm still afraid of her because she's very active and we're not. I know. She's going to like be doing wind sprints around our house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you shaking your head?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know what's going on. You know what it is? It's later in the day than we usually tape. You're a little tired. Have some brown diarrhea in a cup. This will make you feel better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't, I think it's, okay, like on either end, it's too extreme.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, I love these guys that are super aggressive, like, whatever it takes. Like, it's so dumb. Like, really, whatever it takes, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No. You know, now that I do think about it, I think a nice pair of big slobbers, like goat nuts, it's a sign of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I think so too. He would show me. We could not tell your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very few men look good from that angle by the way. Even if you're super fit, like even a really fit guy bent over and you see the balls hanging


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's guys out there that are like, yup, I'm on board. I'm on board. Make my dick look bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, which is nice because we haven't seen each other in days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I'm sitting at the fucking restaurant all alone, eating my breakfast while you take a shit at the restaurant for 10-15 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, how, how was your shit though? You didn't even tell me. It was awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, good. So we'll have some news for people next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so funny cause that's why some guys, I get it now, cause on Instagram I posted photos of me drinking water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's interesting. We've compiled some images over the years here. Uh, you may want to look at the overwhelming evidence now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is a still of your special completely normal on Netflix. And if you look at the bottom time code here, it's the very end of your special and you've got a completely full bottle of water on stage with you. It's like rock water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. It's prop water, like it always is with you. Mhm. All show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and this is your other special mostly stories. And if you'll notice, we're at the very end of the special here and the time code is at the end. You can see and there's yet another full water bottle and that's at the very end. Look, you took like maybe like, like you would say a Yorkie sip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never hydrate off camera. We all know this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was at the Comedy Store this Saturday and I hydrated while I was on stage. Mommies were in the audience. Again, allow this evidence here. You have a full glass. This is you on stage. Is this in Austin? No, it's in Sacramento.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also there have been reports, my reports indicate that while on the road performing too, you hydrate with club soda, with soda water, which isn't the same as water because there's sodium and it actually dehydrates you. Well, my sources say that you drink soda water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have backup loquats in the tiny fridge under the desk. Just for you. Backup hydrations. Why? Because I'm the real water champ who gives a shit about hydrating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so, but then St. Croix, right? That place St. Croix, it's the same. Uh. Pam-pamplemousse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you're like, if you're like, hey guys, I'm not a she, I'm a z-zard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you saying? I'm not a Zerbert. You're offending me right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I understand the idea of like, we should all, you should find out the person's pronoun, but it is kind of a weird question. Like it is kind of hard to be like, hi, hey Tom, nice meeting you. What's your, what's your pronoun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what I'm saying like, okay, I get this in theory and I understand it as a theory. How do you institute a new pronoun policy in your personal life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well this guy's fart's pretty impressive. He's at a minute and five, I can see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's why it's the Cincinnati fart. It's not your everyday fart. It's a fart that goes down in history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bad idea. I laid in bed and I farted and it was like, you ever fart and the smell is so foreign to you? You're like, dude, I've never even made a smell like that before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the worse it smells, the righter you are, like the more correct your brain is, and that's why you get a high. Wow, what a neat science.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A scientific episode for our listeners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's kind of not the right analogy or... He's like my son that I fuck. It's kind of gross, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could it take, could it take, is the real, how do you get it up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the good news. At least her son is not going to knock up some girl and ruin his life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I saw a documentary about old people in a retirement community and they talk about how sometimes they don't even want to make new friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so funny is like, I think about when you're gonna die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this fucking bitch in my bed. Yeah, yeah, I can see you doing that. Yeah, of course I will. Keep it away from my kid, asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me ask you, what do you think he has in common with a 91 year old? How old is Kyle here? 30 maybe? Something like that. She was born in 1900.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there was no time to even share. So the cookie thief got in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to hear those. It sounds like a really good commercial for it. Hey man, what is a double pipe classic? How funny you should ask. You have a bourbon fart at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is not. You've changed the details. No I haven't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the liar. You keep calling me a liar. You're the liar. You came home yesterday and you've got these two marks on your thumbs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay? And I go, what happened to your thumbs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, what happened to your thumbs? You go, oh yeaah, uh, one night some guy dared me to jump over a parking meter and I couldn't do it and the payment for not being able to do it was that he got to put two cigarettes out on my thumbs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I knew immediately that you're a lying liar face. Why? Because I've fucking seen cigarette burns from high school. I had dumb friends that would put out cigarettes on their arms and I know what they look like and they take weeks to heal and they puss and it's a really gnarly thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you only in Cincinnati for like four days, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So first of all, that part of the story I knew immediately was a big lie, because you never leap or jump over anything. And number two, I know what a cigarette burn looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh, and then some stranger. Hey guy, hey dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they had to kick you out. And that's the one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that. That's really exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what's real sneaky about fingers and toes is that when those hurt, those really hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever had any, when you pull out the hangnail, and remember I had one that got so infected, you can't sleep at night if it's like throbbing and pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go for, I've had hemorrhoids since I was pregnant and, you know, you don't really feel them until, at least I didn't, until I had to go brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, we'll figure it out. Uhm, but I would go for the hemorrhoids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's only once a day or twice a day when you're dumping like normal people, not like you, where you shit every 15 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, the toe, toe, the little stuff is what gets you in life. The toe and the fingers, you don't want to hurt those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So long. But then how would you get your dad hard? Oh man, and he's older too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've done it before. You've never taken a shit that you can't wipe up. Hence the never ending wipe and why I would shit to shower. I've taken shit so disastrous that the wipe wipe wipe wipe wipe


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No boner pills, 100% natural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta look in her eyes. You gotta be present. You just have to look in her eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can use lubricant and theater of the mind. That's all you got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh I didn't get that detail earlier. Interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how did my husband take the pain of the cigarette burns?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Owned it. That's another bullshit. Why would that be bullshit? You don't handle pain well at all. Like when? Ah, exactly. Well when? I mean, you don't handle things like that. You don't do, that's some sadistic, weird shit that you don't do. You would have to be a totally different person to have this happen to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In honor of Blue Man. Tickets are up. The links are up now at thousandradge.com. Get your tickets now. I'm doing only one night, guys. That's it. I got a baby. I can't fuck around for six shows. Also, locally, June 19th, I'm at Flappers Comedy Club in Sperm Bank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh! Well, I'll announce that later. That's it. Cthulhuismarage.com for tickets, please. Get that shit now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the first time I've really registered how good that is. That was good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You feeling better now? I am. How's your nest? Uh, healthier, it's uh, better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, childbirth too man, same shit, different toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the time in your career you don't realize you can just cancel stuff if you have to. If you have to. If you're sick and you're dying. I actually had to cancel one thing. I did have a legitimate illness. I remember a Booker doubted my, uh. Yeah, how sick you were. How sick I was. And I was like, bro, trust me, you don't, you don't lightheartedly cancel a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. You can still perform. Come on monkey dance. And you're like, no bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've gotten sick in, uh, Boca Raton. I did the New York City Comedy Club. It's no longer there. Uh, it was a front for something else, I'm sure. And I had a fever of 102.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot in our world. Uhm, where do we begin? I mean, do you want to start off with, let's just do some personal news first of all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the other day, you and I, well this was actually last night, I was in the bathroom, you were in the baby's room, and we both burped at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. The thing is, is that I, you know, I don't know if I can do a blind smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, by the way, I'd like to thank you. I didn't get a chance to, but thank you so much. Uh, you left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's from your turd and you didn't flush, you just left. You left like the poop cart drove through and left streaks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we can medicate you, or maybe you could just not eat sugar and caffeine all day every day, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're not a, you know, you're not big on cause and effect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, we are in the shower briefly this time. I don't make the same mistake of showering with you the whole time. So I was getting out and you came in just as I was about to leave and I, I'm standing there and I smell what smells like somebody just dumped an entire container of coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I remember a long time ago, first of all, we haven't even played the song to let people know that we're talking about Brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, remember when I asked a long time ago?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not the same thing, it's not the same thing. What I'm saying is sometimes you'll feel like full and then I'll take a shit and then I'll be like dude, how did I just get hungry again? Like I just ate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, also, interesting, in my cell phone news, I got another, you know, sexting offer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's see. I mean, I haven't answered him and he's still persistent, Nate. I never took up on his offer last time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, it didn't just go viral, it went mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm glad that it's hit, it's hit the mainstream media now. It's a, it's a real thing. And it's all because of my eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're absolutely right. He's, he's a little fatter than Randy, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When do you, do you think he'll ever actually lose the weight? He'd have to stop drinking, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I want to make an announcement before I forget. The movie I narrated, Can We Take a Joke, documentary, the trailer is on iTunes today. Uh, I just retweeted it, at Christina P on Twitter, uh, iTunes trailer, it comes out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so excited. It's such a timely. I'm excited to see it. There's so much bullshit going on. Comedians are apologizing for jokes. It's so horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Wow, good to see what you kept it real, huh? From the very, from the jump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could be. I don't think he wants to be set up. I feel like he's just happy living him and his farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, to your Mecca, which is the Renaissance. It's still in the Renaissance Hotel. The Cincinnati Fart still happened. It's just the room number I'm afraid we got it correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And here's how I know. I remember the night of the wedding, I went home early with Top Dog and your mom. You stayed behind. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a celebrity, uh, double pipe classic. Now a lot of you have been tweeting us that you've had your first double pipe classic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of chatter on the internet about, you know, when, what, how, why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but we got a celebrity tweeting that, uh, the singer of Panic at the Disco


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Panic! Exclamation mark. Because he's really, he's a cute boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you though, I used to be afraid of them too. And then my cousin had a pet rat for a while. And when they're, when they're your pets, they're a lot cleaner and it's just like having a rabbit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Why are you doing this? Stop. Just stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you hear those idiots in Florida that get crocodiles in their bathtubs and then they grow up, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seven minutes. Just tell me which one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, my favorite is, you do look in a mirror. Like you know that that's hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do, yeaah. Do, do Australian, that's good. Momma, mommy!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Maltesers. Is that, that's all, I'm Australian, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you get the kid to do it? This must be somebody's daughter, right? I'm assuming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Betsy's licking, uh, Feebo's peener right now. That's cool. Dog porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, let me think. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, I got it. Cute, cute, cute, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really popular movie. Oh, he's got a man bun. Oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they look the same. They don't look the same. Similar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I see. So this one's like, uh, a little cuter, cuter, a little more fey. And the other one's rugged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, two brothers got the good looks and then that third brother, not so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She actually, uh, has really good comedic timing. Excellent. She's really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, get him to the Greek. I love that movie. That's kind of such an underrated comedy. I think it was so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I can tell you straight up now, for a lesbian affair, I can't do the big girls, cause the sweat and the smells.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep filling her up. But you're saying she's custard flavored. She's like an eclair, because she's blonde and puppy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, thanks for watching and listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What draws me to human park play is I like the gear. I like the lifestyle of it all. It just makes me feel like I am ten foot tall and bulletproof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like nutsac, that's good. That's really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you just have a second fixed mic for the whole show down there? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this weekend I'll be in Charlotte, North Carolina, uh, near my college home. Uh, I wanted to mention also that, uhm, Cox Comedy Club in San Francisco. I'm going there next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm just confirming this, uh, let's see right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're in Man Fran Disco, I think this is your only opportunity if you still want to come see me at Cox Comedy Club. Uhm, get your tickets now, tomscigaro.com, slash shows. Right after that, I go to another big city, Jude Orch Titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big Ted Apple is, uh, is where I'll be. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a few more cities coming up before the year ends. Raleigh's, Raleigh's, North Carolina, and, uh, Louisville,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kentucky, home of Top Dog by the way. First place of Top Dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in Fill Her Up, we added a fourth show at the Trocadero, so please go to that if you're in Philly. And then West Harry Balls Beach, Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This will be my, uhm, one of my final shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And also, uh, please don't forget to shop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Through our Amazon banner, you go to YourMomsHousePodcast.com


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You click on the Mamazon banner, you do your regular shopping, and it gives a little kickback to the show. Of course, if you're a hardcore mother, you take care of your children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Patreon.com slash mom, uh, new bonus episodes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dicks and tits are flying everywhere. Yeah. Literally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This audio looks like it's on two channels?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I see what's going on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on. It looks like because this is in here, that's only playing in one, but the rest of them are playing in two. You understand what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So just so people know, the reason that this is fucked up, like why that opening clip was fucked up, is normally we play these out of clips, but the clips were like, corrupted, they were all fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not all of them, just this bank of clips. So I have to play it from the source file, which is basically play and pause and scroll. That's why it sucks. But this lady made this video that we played the first like 50 seconds of where obviously she's talking about, she's driving her daughter to school or 11 year old daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And her daughter likes a certain radio station where they play today's hits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Donald Trump songs, yea. Grab that pussy, grab my, grab his pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't heard, by the way, the Trump audio, now that you're saying that, uncensored. Have you heard it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see if this hit here. Maybe this hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I would say, cause I've heard a lot, there's weird on, on, on Twitter, there's a lot of like, yeah, that's how people, I heard people saying like, that's how people talk, but no they don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, look at her tits. If you're being crude, it's usually like, look at her. Right? Like, look at that ass. Yeah, she's fucking hot. You know? But like, it's not usually like, yeah, you know what I do is I always go there and I grab their pussies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically being the sidekick, which is just embarrassing because I think every guy at least has played that role.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just, I think everybody I know myself, I've played that role. You know, it kind of happens naturally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But to have it played back to you has to be just so humiliating. Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. I mean, to be like, you're the man, man, like, fuck yeah, Michael Jordan, you're so cool. Like that's basically what he was doing there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what they were wanting him to do there. But he was definitely like cheerleading in a, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Actually, locker room talk is kind of what he did. Like, whoa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's hot. They're saying it about some girl that's off camera there. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've heard that guy say that a million times. She's fucking hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I've never been the type that I guess goes for it like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, my style was always like if affection comes to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sure. I mean, I know, I mean... So gross. Throughout life, I've met guys whose style were just crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what they were critiquing the, uh, Billy Bush for, cause his, his apology said I was younger and, and mature and he was 34. Right. Like, not 19, like yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then turn it into a hundred remixes of her crying and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know when it will air, so it might be airing today. I don't know how it's structured. I assume it might air today, which is going to be too late.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure it'll live on mine. I'm doing a Noches Completas Nitos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait. So I'm the, uh, I'm the lead guest and I get to do an interview and I get to play two games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody has on a bodysuit with basically items hidden in them and I'm supposed to touch with a blindfold if that's what they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we're doing dominoes one, like not the game dominoes, but with domino sticks, you know, like just actual dominoes set up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they fall over and then if I get, if they, if I get something wrong they pour cold water down my pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I am really, I'm just really excited for it. I'm stoked, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet it's funny when Platanito is like off, off camera and mad about something, right? And he's demanding like where the fuck is my water? And then, and he's in his clown thing and the PA has to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alice, Carl's Jr., they'll have to decide who gets to actually keep it, right? We'll have to share it. Carl's Jr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well I saw what they did on a, on a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they sent me a video of it and what they did was they had a girl


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they, they, uh, blindfolded the guys and the girl walks away and a guy walked on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't think Monica did. I think it's just, you know, with the years, it's just gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know he lost weight. I mean, he lost a bunch of weight after, you know, leaving office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the funny thing will be, um, cause there was also this apprentice producer that was tweeting, he was like, I was a producer on seasons one and two, he was like, man, there's a lot crazier stuff out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, but my thing is, he's gonna have to, like, that's gonna be such an embarrassment, you know, if it's way crazier than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he's probably, he's a bragger type, you know? I know that he likes to brag about chicks cause they, it's long been his, you know, his thing. So he'll probably have a lot of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But did she, uh, did she say it was okay? I don't give a shit. Stuck it in her mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like uhm, one of the cool things


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I think he's making a video just appealing to the public is what it feels like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm sure, no, I'm sure it's, it's for vegans, but I just like that he is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For you can vagina. That's who that is. So now it's that I don't have this tooth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so fucking gnarly man. I respect that you're trying to get puss puss, but god damn that was disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I feel like, I feel really sick. He was licking food that was on his tooth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, by the way, a bunch of people listened to the Burt cast with Bill Burr and myself. And they're like, Tom's breathing heavily into the mic. We were smoking cigars. Cigars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, at my show in Ontario, thank you to everybody that came to the Ontario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, improv. Yeah. Last Thursday, really fun, two shows, second show, somebody punched another dude in the face in line. What is happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I tried to, I didn't bring it up during the show cause I've learned that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On a late night, if that already happened. Yea, let it go. Yea, I kinda let it go. Uh, I kinda wanted to bring it up later in the show, but honestly I forgot. But what I was told what happened was, a guy was smoking in line, and another guy goes, hey man, uh, my girl has asthma, do you mind going over there to smoke?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I, that was a verified story from multiple accounts. I don't know if that's really how it went down, but that's what people were saying. That was pretty...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best is when you go uhm, you have the arrangement, and you go like, hey I'm here, I'm at baggage claim, and they're like, I should be there in 20 minutes, and you're like, you know that I'm flying across the country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think it's, I mean, I think it's an emotional response. Like it's, it's what happens when you go like, you know, I do this pretty seriously. I'm professional about things. And when I feel like you slag off, it's, uh, it's upsetting, you know, when you don't want to put in effort to do something. It's like, I'm putting an effort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll put an effort, you know, to get here, I'm gonna do...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just how cheap and shitty some, some can be. You know, there's some good clubs out there. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you something that's like, I think I've said it before, but it's just so, it makes you feel like shit when, when they'll send someone with a filthy card to pick you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it really upsets me where like a car comes in, there's trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, am I supposed to sit in here? Like this is how you treat a person. You know what I mean? It makes me feel like really disrespected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like after four hour flights where you're like, I just want, I only have two hours to rest in the hotel. And they're like, just make it another half hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or maybe it is and maybe you should have thought of that. Right. Before you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, uh, third grade. That was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope not, but I think that soccer's gonna see an explosion. Because, yeaah, because you're seeing...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's more public interest in international games. Uhm, it's becoming, it's definitely undeniably becoming more popular. So then, when that happens, more great athletes that would have played, you know, football or


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't know what to do anymore. That's the sign of real passion mixed with real anger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I mean, this is clear as, this is so southern. Not even a dance, probably from Marisha Carver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, speaking of international, wanna see something cool?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so regretful that it doesn't say in my, I have a clip bank here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who actually did this? Thank you so much. A couple things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burt Crissler is so enormous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he keeps getting bigger. And he is indeed fatter than Tom. And I'm glad that it's something we're seeing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so funny? Bart has a new special coming out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's coming out in November. He's shirtless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like even as the, the bird is fat thing, Thomas fat kind of died down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When that, when those like promos start airing and the stills of it, you know, to promote it are going to be out. He's going to get hammered so hard. It's going to be really, really great. By the way, um, I mentioned it at like a tag last show. There is a new shirt. It is the, uh, what is it? It's called DJ Dadmouth. DJ Dadmouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has a new shirt. Uhm, I wanted to see if I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that. Cause you guys disrespected Decora, and you also disrespected Davenport. Let's see what else we got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A listener drew this. It's got your mom's house on the hat. It's got the gold. It's a great drawing. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pull up his, I think I have his info, his name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just so I can give him the proper credit, because he did a great job. His name is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Collins, yeaah. The Chopper Man on Instagram. The Chopper Man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very much for doing that. And thank you to everybody that did order the DJ Dadmouth shirt. Please order one. Uhm, looks good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a long message and there's clearly another woman she's very upset about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said a bitch, fuck her, and it's about her fucking money. Money? Yeaah. And a whore, I think she called her a whore too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just call her one day and be like, I know you've been looking for Salome. She's like, what? How the fuck do you know this shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have to piece together all the translations first to kind of be like, look, I just want to tell you, we have plastic bags on the trees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is Salome? Salome's okay. She's in the basement. She's tied up. You can have her back. But first, we want the password.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He tried to direct message somebody his number and he tweeted it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this you sent me? 22 seconds. Is this good? What is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did remind me of that old clip we had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not him, but it definitely sounds like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, but people of that, of this here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that he was, I can't remember now, I think Cambodian or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uh, dearest mommies, my girlfriend and I are having quite the debate about how one enters the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, like a civilized, educated and well-hydrated mommy, prefer to pull the shower curtain door towards the front of the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My cave dwelling counterpart, however, chooses to pull the curtain door back and enter directly into the water. It's as if she's so hydrated the thought of being immediately boiled to death or frozen solid doesn't pass into her mind as the water temperature adjusts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, it's as if she's so dehydrated. I'm willing to bet she even likes the vomit flavored lemon lime Gatorade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd greatly appreciate any input from the true water champion, Tommy. And if the main mommy, Tina Lips, aren't so chapped that speaking would split them, I'd enjoy her input as well. Yours truly, Scooter MacGyver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great question, and you are dating a psychopath. You absolutely are to approach shower, temperature, water that way. You walk in, you gauge the room, the scenario, you know where your exits are at, okay, and then you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can even feel sometimes just by standing. You don't even have to touch water. You can feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The temperature it's putting off. Make some adjustments. Maybe put a hand or an arm in. And then you slowly, you kind of walk into it as you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or finding the temperature you like. You don't just walk in like a crazy person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there's a front and a back shower, like that, I would walk in to the back and walk up to it, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the only way that I would do it the other way you're talking about the only way I do it like that would be if I was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Testing the water to find my right temperature. But if it's one of those where you turn it on, it's running. No, I would walk in and engage it. Like that's how I do in hotels. I'm like alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She laughs real hard at it. She even openly admits she'd do that type of porn herself. That's some serial killer level shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's her torturing of animals. Say what you want about Tom finding that funny video of the Asian getting run over by a car funny, but Tommy isn't offering to drive the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Room divider. I'm gonna use at night to make sure that I sleep pacefully and safely and that I don't have you to worry about. Cause I do think you really get excited by that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm. I can think of a few things. Uhm, something else, uh, hold on. Let's see if that... no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That work? Yes. Uhm, something I want to point out to you. Last week on the show,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You made a handshake agreement that you would eat a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dog food? Well, the reason you wanted to, you had a great hypothesis, you wondered aloud, you said, if a person eats a bunch of dog food, will their shit smell like dog shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I don't remember that, so I'm glad you pointed that out. Not your thought, so what I want to know is, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I wanna know if it's true. I think that's a great experiment to try. So would I have for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gave a solid handshake that you would try a bite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, just, if you're, I think you should just try it. Can you smell it? Try smelling it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nellie, you read all these new agey kind of books and things. Why don't you just picture that it's something else? Close your eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think? Can you give it a nibble?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you got your ring. Don't worry about it. Oh, this email just, I just saw this email now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard your podcast today and I heard about the dog food challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, everything is washed down the drains and we cook that too. The water we place in a huge tank of water and air would be bubbled up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we were behind in cooking, we had the slaughter guys place the heads into boxes to be cooked later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess where that went. All sold to Purina to make dog biscuits. Don't ever eat dog food. Oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all the same too. Don't fall for that fancy feast bullshit. It's all the same material we provided. Purina adds some other ingredients, but the raw material comes from the gutters of a slaughterhouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uh, I attached a picture, I have more if you want more proof. Ugh. So.