[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People keep hitting me up asking me about like, why don't you come to like, Richmond, Virginia or Kansas City, Indianapolis. Those are all on sale. They're just in May and June. So go to, uh, TomSka.com slash tour and then slash what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tor? Tor? Tor? Tor? Tor? Tor? Yeah. You can pull that volume back up. Thanks, brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, that guy. Who the fuck talks like that? I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On tour. Ah shit, I don't even know if I have that here anymore. Your tour bus? Uh, tour? Party? Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my God, there's so much to go over today. We got great guests today. It's going to be a lot of fun today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they are going to both be here. It's gonna be like a throwback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be a celebration, uhm, why don't we go, you ready to start the show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you what, don't get me started. Oh my god, I almost forgot. Morton's Steakhouse. The best steak anywhere. What I was gonna say was, uhm, so McDonald's. Wet or dry aged beef. Oh, they got it all. I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's get into that later, but I wanted to talk about, and by the way, there's over 80 locations of Warrens. Look them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like a great pre-show or post-show meal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I, uh, I also canceled an order on jewelry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I realized, but you know, I also, I mean, through therapy actually, I've discussed that and learned that, you know, that sometimes it's okay to just want something and I can afford it and get it. I could afford it, I should say. Yeah. And just get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have two million dollars, but uhm, I gave it back. But you know what? Life's still good. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like there's no other source of income, you know? Sure. We have obviously great sponsors that we love on the show. Uhm, we've been touring. Touring. Uhm, touring. Tour- touring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this past weekend was fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I cannot tell you what that was like. It was like shooting a special every night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, like, thank you to everybody that came out in, uhm, Oklahoma City, San Antonio, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I just wanted to say thank you. It was really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I have my own, I have my own separate shower, you know, I have a bidet, I have my own


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He painted his name on his, it's, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we know that your bus is fake, we saw that you have an RV and not a bus, uh, Tom's the tour bus champ. Clearly. Uhm, your bus looks broke, you know, just like, I mean if you want, I don't know, you don't have to, anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, you know, maybe just, I don't know, just show his whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's a strict, pretty much rule. I mean, I talked to actually Brian Regan about this. He owns a badass tour bus. He's also been touring like this for like 15 years. And cause the rule, the general rule on buses is no browning. Right. You just, you can yell at


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can yellow all you want, but you don't brown unless we're talking a real level fucking ten emergency, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because what happens is the way that the technology, like obviously it's a toilet so you're like why can't I brown there? Well the way that these are set up is that like the brown smells will get into like the vents and like you'll just smell shit. It'll be terrible. Until they dump it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have this thing where you go, like straight up, I would tell anybody on the bus, I'm like, don't shit on here. Also, don't feel embarrassed to say you have to shit. And then, then the drivers are totally like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, oh yea, and I go, but if anyone's got a shit, he's like, I'll stop whenever you want. So, like when I told him I don't want anyone to shit, he goes, it would be best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I asked Regan, I go, dude, you have, you own this epic tour bus, can you, I mean, doesn't that kinda suck with the shitting rule? He was like, well, I got like, the new shit. Like, I got...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so apparently the sta- like if you get a tour bus built now, and you make it state of the art, there is technology now where he's like, ah, there's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there would be some really upset motorists, maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the thing was, that brown interrupted my sexual...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that's not true. I also feel like, uhm, by the way, good job last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was cool too. Tell me a guy out there that would do that before they sleep with most girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mm-mm. Roadbeef gets a rubber. They get no lube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, nah, nah, nah, nah. I'm like, nah, you're getting lucky, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, those are the dirtiest girls. They're great, don't get me wrong, I love them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which went down? Before McDonald's took their money back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, uhm, one of our great, the greatest prank caller ever, as far as I'm concerned, Fart Simpson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you wanna hear the call? Sure. He called up a burger place. Uh, and then it's me as the caller. Okay? Oh my god. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can go to fartsimpson.bandcamp.com and check out all his prank calls. It's really fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fucking guy, it's really crazy. This guy-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I finally see this lady here. Look at her hand. She's pointing, right? Wait, behind?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so nasty. It's so nasty. It's so nasty. He's so right. It's gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, do you realize that if I were in the same room as that kid, I would have taken that thing and thrown it with everything I have against the wall. Like I would have grabbed it out of his hand and be like, hey watch out! Wham! And just watch it splatter against the wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I got some of that for you, don't worry. Don't worry. But, see how happy it made you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, since we have, this is actually, uh, this shit is big time. This, uhm. Oh. Oh. This is a big deal. Uhm, because we, uh, lost our sponsorship money. We have some new merchandise. Oh, right. That is, uhm, in the, uh, store. And this is like pretty...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exciting stuff. So what we have first of all is, uhm, whenever I have overstock of, uhm, like a specially tour made, tour poster from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, weekend, this one got people flipped for, Paul Grenis designed it, uhm, he's my, oh man, awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a poster designer, this is the one that's from Oklahoma City, San Antonio, Houston and Dallas. They always go quickly, so just go to the store, see if you can get one. They're all signed, it says let's get physical making comedy, and it has me with a knife and a cowboy hat. It's really awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really exciting. This, uh, was a design that was sent to us actually like a couple years ago. Oh yes. And we actually, I actually have this mouse pad at home. That's right. And then we decided to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, have them made because people would ask me about that. And in addition to that, we have custom Try It Out Guy stickers from the Try It Out Guy. And these are, so basically you get them together. So you get the Try It Out Guy, you get the mouse pad. Uhm, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, uh, if you have a chance, Blue Band, I don't know if you can find out who, uh, designed both of those. Try it out. But, uhm, I'd love to give them a shout. And then, finally, for the people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. It's become such a phenomenon here, the last...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple weeks, uh, we decided to do an official cool guy club shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, it's our own little wink and nod to everybody who's in the Cool Guy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Official member of the Cool Guy Club. So, uh, thank you very much. Uhm, those three items have been added to the store. Merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh. Uhm. The cool guy club. The cool guy club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I don't, I don't, I don't think so. Oh, okay. No, it's just a cool guy. Oh. Uhm, by the way, this is just to tell you how amazing our fans are. Yes. We really do have, you guys are the best, the funniest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unprompted, just them hearing about what went down with McDonald's. Our fans went to McDonald's Instagram page and just bombarded. Like if you open any of the recent posts of McDonald's, it's just your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hilarious. And I, I was pointed to it by somebody and I was like, oh, we didn't make, we didn't ask people to do that. No, we didn't. They just did it on their own. That's the best part. Because they're, they're the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there are just comments like, this is under like a regular McDonald's post that says, so here's the deal man, you fired YMH for Terry's review of a butt plug and Jack's sleeve. Those other dudes are in the cool guy club. Guess who's not? You McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says, Good morning, Julia. I wanted to let you know I built all these McDonald's for you, Julia. That's the type of guy you're getting. Can you believe only four stroke? Come over and try it out. It says, Rit McDonald's YMH was the best thing to happen to your company since Moose Soup. Maybe do some research next time. Wow. Uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, all you had to do was take 10, 12 Benadryl and try it out. Goodbye, Hitlers. I mean, this is like all their comments. So anyways, thanks very much for that. Another thing that's happened in the Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He posts something, he, uh, uh, all the comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has started, has started auto-banning things, like the moderators there have, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I don't think they know that Garth could be in the Cool Guy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He asked for listeners or like fans to send in suggested hashtags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, y'all are better at hashtags than me, so y'all suggest them. And it was nothing but your mom's house. I suggested the Big Ass Fun album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, you trying to learn English? Come talk to me. Go to her. Yeah. Really something. Uhm, Jean, you told me, uhm, that you were, you were, what was it? You were at a, were you at a lunch in New York?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is what you want in that situation. I'm serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're trying to smash, you don't want a fucking professor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, oh, I'm the worst person in the world. I also would say that's not perfect, but yea. To be smart? Well, it's kind of a bummer when like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Let's go right now. Next time if you don't mind, maybe snap a couple pics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for sure. Look, I just tell, I have somebody go in the audience and like pick out the scuzzy ones, you know, be like her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go get them, line them up, get them on the bus, we do a little drive around the venue, everybody rides the pony, and then we throw them out the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you meant, not now he's a convicted sexual deviant felon in prison. You're like, now his eyes don't work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I'm just silly guys. That really wasn't the rule for me that I was looking for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think he would just put it in while you were sleeping?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine if he would have done his, his dark hour. Like the Cosby, like, I like to fucking want him to sleep. And people were like, what? And he just did all his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was, here's the thing, I mean, I didn't have a developed comedy mind, I was nine, but I was in tears watching that guy. I mean, I was a kid, but for someone to sit there and tell, talk and just make you cry laughing like that, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's very exciting. Can we plug these, the contact stuff for people? Yeah, you sure can. So, Dr. Drew is gonna be, uh, watching clips, he's going to be answering emails and questions, and he's also going to be talking to comics. Uhm, if you want to ask Dr. Drew a question,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can write an email to drdrewafterdark at gmail.com. That's D-R-D-R-E-W afterdark at gmail.com. Or, you can, this is a setup number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know it's gonna, it's probably gonna get a lot of, um, jokey stuff, which is fine. I mean, that's just the world we live in, but if you have a real question, he'll answer that too. So if you want to ask him something real, you can leave the sincere message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy really is this very smart, thoughtful, sincere dude. So, I mean, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was an awesome, awesome suggestion and that was from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pete, uh, Holmes, we, we realized it kind of all tied together. And that was that, uhm, the previous week when we played Terry, uh, the cool guy, he was putting his butt plug in. Yeaah. Uhm, and he, was he, he had his,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His, uh, what's it called? His, his mistake, his ruined orgasm, right? Uhm. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody kind of just let it go. And then- Everyone just kind of- Well, everybody was like, yeah, that happens, right? But then Pete Holmes made a great point. Do you have that clip of Pete Holmes? Listen to Pete Holmes here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's how you can tell, he said. He almost said that if you actually really slow it down, you can hear...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, if you hear it in like an animal sound, you can tell that it's real and if it doesn't, you can tell that it's fake. Okay. So one of the things that happened to me, I've been thinking about Uncle Terry a lot, uhm, I wanted to know, cause you don't actually see it, did he really have an orgasm or not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I wanted to listen to Pete's suggestion and have a little test. So, I talked to the boys and I said, can you slow this down to see if this is real or not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What we wanted to know is, does this sound like an animal? Because that's the home suggestion, right? So, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think that's Christina's Uncle Terry, and I think the verdict is... That's a real- That's a real-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think so? He's all in. We actually have a really crazy revelation about him. Oh, I know. Should we do it now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I had no idea that we actually played.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's still the same guy. Same ol' Pete. Shirtless, happy, and wantin' to fuck stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, did he make that? He made that. I think he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or we'll do it right before the show. Like just green room. We'll both put our dicks in it and we fuck it. And then we cum on each other's face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, so if you guys wanna... Nope. ...visit Terry again. He's there. It's really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I bet it worked. Unfortunately he didn't have an orgasm on that tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, check this out, we got an email, Jean. Yeaah. Hey mommies, I can't believe the reaction Christine gave to the video of the bro making some sweet review vids of bro toys for his fellow bros who use toys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was bromophobia at its worst. It's almost like she doesn't support the looking good bro, totally LGBT movement at all. Just here for the crown molding Joe. Wow, you got really called out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we were so dumb, by the way. We were wearing these wrong. And then, uh, the viewers wrote us in there like, maybe don't wear them like you're stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ha! Stupid fucking bitch! Yea, and they sent us pictures of the correct way to wear these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fine. I like it. I really like it. Uhm. Gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said that you're getting a lot of cool fans out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it means that like, you know, we're serious, but we're not married. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, why don't we take a quick break and we'll come back with one of the all time


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most celebrated, uhm, favorite guests. I mean, people just absolutely love Yoshi. Oh yeaah. So we'll be back here with Yoshi in just a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back with one of the all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hall of Famers, the first ballot, uh, guest, if you will. Oh yes. And he always has amazing stories, and we're so happy to welcome back the great Yoshi. Make yourself useful, you stupid, dumb, fucking, cock-sucking motherfuckers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't forget, he's like a shy Asian guy. Oh, got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been a long time. Pretty close to two years, yeaah. Are you traveling? Because also, last time you talked to us, you were, uhm, you were, well, you would get paid to allow medical testing to be done? You do those trials?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just so people understand if they're listening now for the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When there's a new medication, they're like, oh, this will treat maybe Alzheimer's or pancreatic cancer. They have to do a trial to see the effects of the drug on a live human being and they pay those people to be essentially human guinea pigs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you sign up for these. Is this your primary income source then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, because, uh, again, for, for the new listener, you worked in the adult business as like, was it, uh, editor or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm actually gonna go from, I'm planning on going from comedy into the adult business. Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a performer, but I'm gonna get into that like, that dad, older dad porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well like, I'm saying like, I'm, I'm, I'm probably gonna do stand-up, I'm hoping another 10 to 20 years, right? And then it'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably better to segue into- Is this a joke or being serious? I'm being serious. I think, well, I think about it, I'm 30, I'm gonna be 40. Right. Uhm, so if I do a stand up for 20 years, I'll be 60. Right. That's a perfect time to kinda like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that laughter. I'm thinking like, instead of going more traditional, like we have the studio space. I start shooting like content here and then put it up on my own site and people have to subscribe or buy directly from me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are the perfect guy. You and Josh Potter should both- Who's a- Josh Potter is one of our producers on a huge hilarious comic and you guys are built


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the prep, cause I actually heard about, I saw this, uhm, in the news, that this was announced. The, John Ronson is the host, producer, executive producer of this podcast. And a reporter in storage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, but this, this, the last days of August is a podcast that he produced, a multi-episode podcast, that explores why this well-known porn star


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know much about the sexuality aspect of it, but I know that the business side, the fact that uhm, the internet and like free content became a thing, destroyed the revenue of something that people used to just have to pay for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, this was all, this part of the conversation was all prompted by the fact that you mentioned Rocko.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, what happened with, cause you saw the Netflix documentary, I'm assuming, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it wasn't the whole thing that he was leaving the life and that was how it ended? Right. It went right back again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rocko seems, from what I remember, to always kinda always go for the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vaj is just boring to him. Say what? Vaj is just boring to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it because it's just like, well regulated?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And is it like the Amsterdam where it's like in booths and stuff like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, how do you, like, so you get to, when you get to Frankfurt, you know where to go at this point. Sure. And then is that building, like, everyone has their own room?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then do you go, do you, do you look at a menu? Do you talk to like a madam or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, how would you know, if you're in Germany, which door to, like, do you just randomly open a door?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. What do you use? What do you mean? Well she's saying protection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so they don't make you use protection for oral stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nietzsche said live dangerously, right? I can't imagine, I mean, if you're gonna do the old mouth downtown, be like, oh, there's a plastic guard there. Yeah, what's the point?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have, you told me that you've been fucking prostitutes or whatever, hooking, doing things with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you start, like, when you're an athlete, you start just asking around, like, are there...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you have sex with a knowingly HIV positive prostitute if they're like, oh, you just wear a condom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, uhm, you know, you do these medical tests for money. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If somebody were to offer you ten thousand dollars. Okay. To give a man a blowjob. No. What about fifteen thousand?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's rephrase this, okay? Let's say, for this proposal, the guy's clean, he's not diseased or anything. You have to blow him for 5 minutes, $50,000 cash,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice suit, put you some glasses and you can be like, I am a professor. I can't take that stuff seriously. I couldn't. Yeaah. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, what's, oh, so uhm. Yes? Uh, Blue Band, our producer said he has a clip of you here from the last days of August. I guess this is from the podcast. Oh yeah. Oh, did he found something? Yeah, so here's uh, Yoshi. Oh no, I don't want to hear it. On the podcast. Here it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We also wanted to do this, so here's our game, okay? Okay. Uhm, definitely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we're really excited about this. So here's the thing, we know that you, you know, you're like the porn whisperer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I don't know. That knowledge never leaves your mind. So here's what we did. We pulled the audio of certain strong performers and we wanted to see if whether you just listening to them for a clip, if you could identify who it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I thought that you might be able to do this. I thought you might be able to do this 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Yoshi. Okay, well you're, just listen. And uh, we'll do the girls. Are you gonna give me multiple choice or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just gonna say can you tell by this audio, and I'm gonna play this clip for you. Okay. And we'll just let you guess. Okay? Ready? Here we go. Here's clip one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, this person's still... After. This person, but this person has been in the business probably...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know who that is? They're all current. They're current. But I mean like they're not like brand new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good question. Can't fake anal. She sounds familiar, but... Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take a wild guess. Who do you think that is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see if you can tell who- What a gift. Are you sure you're not making that up? I swear to you. Here's number two, you ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Close those eyes. It is. Okay. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so too, I think you're right about that. Can you play it again? Yeah, with pleasure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. Wow. This is really something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's not really in the, uhm, but I'll, yes, I'll tell you. It starts with the letter K.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you wanna try the next one? See if you can get this one? Okay, let's see if you know this one here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not her. No, you knew that. It's, it's Janice Griffith.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I'm slaving because I, those- It's okay, but there's a chance you could finish 50-50 here because this last girl is not new. Okay? She's been in the business, that's what I'm being told. Okay. Uhm, here, so, I'll give you the, the audio. Okay. And you can tell me if you can get this one. Alright. I would love for you to go two and two, okay? Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's been around. Yeah. I'll give you the last name initial too. Okay. R.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, no guess? No. There it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no excuse for you, we're deeply disappointed, but luckily for you... The other two, I think they're new. Let's play the same game with men!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go. Somebody that you should definitely know. Are you ready for it to listen? Yes. Here we go. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a great clip. Look at- I think Yoshi knows. He's digging through that wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead and take a swing at it. Tell us who you think. Let him guess. Don't show him yet. Let him guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you sound like he was having a passionate moment. Sometimes your voice will change when that happens. I'm little taken back by that. Yeaah. But guess what? You nailed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he knew. You wanna try the next one? Yeaah. Okay, let's see if you can get this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry. Would he been in your guessing trove or no? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see here. Here we go. Good girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got Don't Care tattooed on his hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't have, you know, what's, uh, they don't have on the documentary. I haven't finished it. But the act, cause they have it from when that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When that journalist interviewed him and it was in 80, you know, so it's like going into trial stuff, still appealing, but in 89, right before they executed him when he realized the appeals were all, he told them


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really was like the ultimate narcissist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am not. Do you, Yoshi, where do you sleep?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, anybody, oh, and the last days of August is on Audible. It's also going to be available to the general public in April.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's that, okay. Yoshi, thank you for stopping by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Twitter? Yea, YoshiOvayashi at Twitter, Instagram. Maybe, uh, slow that down. YoshiOvayashi. You wanna spell that for the American?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So excited to bring back the OG producer, a podcast originator, a pioneer if you will, the one and only Red Band. Yay!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For people that don't know, uh, Seinfeld had not been to the comedy store in like 30 years. And so he came to town, he was out to dinner with Sebastian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jerry Seinfeld pops in, does a spot, an unannounced spot, place goes bananas, and then Seinfeld's like, I'll do a little Q&A up here. People start asking, you know, the most famous comedian of our time all these questions, and then Brian


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Do you? No, I never, I don't, I did, I did one as part of a, uh, you know, an organized Q&A, uhm, in Toronto, at the festival there, where they interview you and then the audience is allowed to ask questions. No, I'm not into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you wipe standing up or sitting down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does she think of your, uh, you know, your dating, your ex-girlfriends?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever think about what a remarkable, like, what a remarkable...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Journey and story yours is. How, how crazy it is where you are. Like, you know what I mean? I mean, cause I, cause from what I remember,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like wasn't it that you had met Stan Hope and you were doing some like vlogging or something for him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, but I've seen, like, your editing rhythm and tone and choices, it's very, you have a skill, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, when you break up, so the engagement ends, did you get that ring back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you're doing that, you're doing like kind of website stuff with him, and then you, don't you suggest the podcast? Or how does that work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so weird, it's foreign. Yeaah, he's like, ah, yeaah. You know, just, I go, are people listening to this? He's like, yeaah, I think so, yeaah. Because it was just starting. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing. He can engage in conversation. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. That's true. That's true. Wow. Well I used to also, you know, we would be there when I would do those shows, you know, he's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joe's famous now for like the famously long podcasts. And I would always be like, you know, like after like that 80 minute mark, I'd be like, are we still going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? And then you end up doing sometimes these three hour podcasts. But it's always because he could drive it that long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like a different form now. I mean, I feel like back then, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, some of those early years are about figuring out how to do it. You know? Yeaah. Like I was, I used to feel like we were more trying to put something on for it. And like now I just feel like we're just talking. Yeaah. Yeaah. Those are the best ones. Yeaah. I agree, I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're always, like, since I've known you, you're the guy who, day one, you're unboxing the new shit. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my friends just showed us uh, Google Home. That was pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have a drink. Watch some movies. Eat an edible. Actually, I wouldn't recommend the edible. No, I had it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a bad edible on the way to Australia once, and that is a long, like you start, you have a full panic, and you're like, oh I only have 14 more hours, it's rough, I wouldn't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you don't want to do that. But you do, you can, sleeping pill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's not that bad man. How long will the whole trip be for you guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't mind it. I mean, it's cool. It's not my favorite thing, but I mean, I've used it. I'm addicted to it. Really? Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, but man, once you have that sweet stream of warm water, cleaning up your beautiful raisin cake, you're ready to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I actually, I kind of get shit to shower more now because I will dump and then just let that stream run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that is bold and brazen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well now, I would say, I'm good for a couple of weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Two a week? Well, back in the day, I would say, back in the day I would say like five or six days a week. Okay, and then when I really started eating more, like cutting much more sugar out, big change, big effect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I still, I'm not a big drinker, I still will, you know, like I got sick a week, but that's not, I'm not always sick, right? So I got sick, that was, uh, fucking just torrential down, like a tropical forest of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have, I have, I think I'm good for at least two a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you find, did you feel like real, you know, beef when you met Blue Band?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no drinking, some salads. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny? You haven't seen a doctor? You know what's funny? Have you had, have you had? I have no self care. Do you know that now they changed, they changed the American Medical Association, changed the suggested age for a colonoscopy? Yeah. You know that? Yeah. They moved it to 45.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen a little like a streak before on paper where you're like, oh what's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, and like, now, once you're in your 40s, you should do a yearly physical. That's the normal thing. That's the healthy thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like uhm, you know, Redman really, he put it out, he was, he's got a prolific dating history. Uhm, there's a lot of girls that were like, uh, like, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Special girls. Porn girls? Are you thinking of some porn girls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you were turned on by it? Yeaah. Now, but, but did you, because the whole thing about, like when you really get into that world, is you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You kind of discover that like this is their job. So did it feel like it was robotic? That they're like, I shot a scene with this girl today. Yea, it was 100% like that. So it wasn't like this, oh my god that's so hot because it's a, it's like a show they put on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would the guy be there if she's doing lesbian?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me ask you this, before you even get to the story, would you, would there be like, is it the kind of thing where like Sunday you know that she's working Tuesday and Thursday that week? You know what I mean? Like, was there build up to things? Would you know tomorrow? She worked every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You thought we would like the story of the woman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You shit into your mouth, and then you pushed it back into her asshole. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well there was a, uh, uh, we've all seen it now, but for people that haven't, there's a great part in this film where they're talking about, for people that don't know, Firefest was this, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This hu- catastrophic failure of a music festival that was, that they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jobroll was a partner in it and they attempted to host this on a Bahamian island with no infrastructure and bring in some of the top music acts and they, you know, they promoted the hell out of it. They sold out tickets in advance, millions of dollars in revenue and basically nothing was ready, uhm, of course,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of the basic needs weren't ready to go. For instance, there was a huge semi full of bottled water that was like stuck at a port or, you know, some customs person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess word was that the guy in charge was gay, so the guy who was running this fest asked one of his consultants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To actually go and visit him. I think this is a clip we have of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, well yeaah, I mean, he didn't even have, at least in this story, he's not like, I was deeply troubled by it, he was just like, suck a dick, alright, just go down and suck a stranger's dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you, would you suck someone's dick? Oh. Well hold on. Alright. Hold on. What if there's a lot of money involved? No. Well hold on. How much? 20 grand. No. 25 grand. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you talking about? You have a hundred grand sitting around? Yeah, Rockefeller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but it's like, you would have thought that like this question, the person who's like alright is like 18, 19, right? New to like, just young and reckless. This is like a gentleman, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's, I think it's just, it's also permission to do something like that. You know, it's like, well, I'm doing it for the, my business, like for the, like the boss man asked me to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. I don't know. I can't believe Red Band's like, nah, I won't jack a guy off for a quarter million dollars. Eh! Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. You gotta spit, you gotta spit in your hand obviously, but that's not like- Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you wouldn't, you rub it in, like you rub the jizz into like your stomach, but then you're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm saying you can get 500,000 per race.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean in this scenario it's like, I think it's without question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's ready. Look, he's already lived this life, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one is really particular to when you're processing the question, because basically your sexual needs decline as you, there's an age where you're gonna be like the diet, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And eat what you want. See, that's what I'm saying. That's because you're of this age. If I ask you when you're 23.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a huge sex drive still, definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, so if your sex drive is that high right now, then how could you possibly give up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And that's happening multiple times a day? Multiple times a day. I mean, my free time. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd love to sit in on one of your sessions. Oh my god. I'd love to sit in on a session with you. Oh yeah? Listen to your conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could see myself accepting that one in like a few years. The vegan diet? Yea, I would like, be like, nah, not right. But like, if you're like, do you think in 10 years? Yea. I'd be like, oh, dude, I'll take the clean diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I will consider, I don't know if you can even pull those up, but I will consider I would have to go definitely


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, uh, I think he's always like, if you had a party...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you lived in a complex, you'd invite Terry to come over. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Open, bright, you know, he's got like a well lit up place. He's naked and he's just like, hey, I like toys in my ass. He's kind of, you know, puts it out there. This guy's a little more about that kind of that dungeon life. A little more hidden. Dungeon life. This guy's like a dirty dick. This guy's, there's math involved. And, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, where can, is there anything on sale that's not sold out? Cause I know you have all these shows coming up. Anything we can do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awesome. Uhm, Red Band, uh, our original producer, creator, the uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so don't forget deskwad.tv for that. Christina added a midnight show in Denver at Comedy Works Downtown. Saturday. This Saturday. Make sure to get that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I put, uh, what's the newest one, uh, we added that show the 28th of April in Boston at the Chevalier, and there's, uhm, shows coming up in Long Beach, Chantines, and Reno. All the shows for me are at TomSegura.com slash tour, and for Christine,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today was a lot of fun. Don't forget, here we go, the closing song. This week is, it's called, I'm trying to see the name, it's called Julia It's Me by Nathan B. Thanks so much for listening. We'll see you guys next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The blue band likes it. Yep, he smiled. Alright, Gene, the Ride or Die tour continues April 4th through 6th. Mini Appletits, Minnesota at the Acme Come On Ya Comedy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May 10th and 11th in Tempe, Arizona at the Tempe Improv. May 31st through June 1st, Sperm Bank, California at Flappair's Comedy Club that's here in Burbank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then June 20th through 22nd, Washington Dick Hum at the Dick Hum Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, one, I have a half hour on a special called The Degenerates with Joey Diaz, Big J. O. Kerson, uh, Lisa Trager, who's been on a guest on this show. Yeah. And Yamanika Saunders. So try it out. Check it out under Christina P. My name is just Christina P. for now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage. Do your shopping as you normally would. Bookmark it. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hawaii. Mahalo. Obi-Wan Kenoli. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but back to my point, how does the library, I'm sorry, the library block one's password?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just, I'm very excited because I have a very good observation. Yeah. Uhm, the, the, the crazy. Bra quality? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're not young sloppers, like they've gotta be 40 plus. Oh yea, they've got some miles on them. Mom tits, and then she's got like the ridiculous chain around her neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, they blocked her password, Tom. How do they block your password? I don't know, it makes no sense. Can you imagine being one of these people on this panel? What do you have a password for at the library? That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess to get in, to look at the internet and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we? You know this morning I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, babe I love you, I wanna stay married forever, please let's never divorce. And you were just like, oh there's a new Verizon that opened up down the street. I'm like, I'm looking for reassurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm looking for, I love you, we'll never get a divorce. Can you say that to me Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care. It's a divorce town for you. Hello, are we gonna stay together forever or not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not getting a divorce. No, we're not getting a divorce. Why would we get a divorce? I'm just making sure that you're in it to win it. I am, we have children together. I know, but some people don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then later that day, I cleaned out your ear hair for you in the kitchen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like having a teenager. Uhm, and I, I kept, I pulled it a little so you could feel where it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, but then you still couldn't get it on, you're like, is it here? And you kept, like, digging in the trimmer, and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so lazy. That's the only way he'll give me scratchies is if...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, you're like, yeah, yeah, as long as your head is right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was falling asleep, you were scratching, and then you go, you push my head like the, like you push one of the dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so we've been getting into, you know, we were like, we finished Dirty John, uhm, and you're watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that show called? Now? On Netflix?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Borrowed. You. You. Fucking love that show. I know, but I haven't gotten into it yet. I ripped through it, I'm done. Okay, so I need to start watching that. So, what we did is we found season one of 90 Day Fiance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great show. Now the problem with the early episodes of 90 Day Fiancé is that they actually find intrinsically good girls. Yea, they have more stability.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like that. They found like nice girls that actually love these guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like 19. She's like, I've never seen running water before. And he's like, this is the hot water, this is the cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's into him and he lives in Oklahoma with his mommy and daddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's 27 years old. I'm like, bro, you brought this chick over, go invest and rent an apartment in Oklahoma where I'm sure you can get an apartment for $10 a month or whatever the cost of living is there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that is the exchange. It's I want American life. Well, I need to come. Will peanut butter and chocolate go well together?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. And here's the best part is that you don't have to be wealthy. You just need to have an apartment and a mattress on the floor. Like an air mattress, these chicks are fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially some of these real third-worlders, like the Philippines, like those chicks are just happy to have a roof over their head. There's Brazilian chicks. Now the Russians are a little more highfalutin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're right. Cause they picked nice girls. Then they figured it out. They figured it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some real users and abusers, man. Yeaah, they're not looking for love. That's the shit to watch. We're not trying to make a love show. No, and so what's even crazier is that, uhm, my, my, so embarrassing, I found a picture of my dad's recent wedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I haven't, I haven't met her, I'm not talking currently to my dad for a few reasons we won't get into on the show, but uhm, I saw a picture of my new mom. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's real young in her thirties and they're wearing like, um, Vietnamese traditional wedding garb? But the cool thing is my dad went comfy because he's wearing his good sneakers to the wedding. So you know it's, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm definitely thinking she's, she's paying the cum toll. The jizz toll. That's exactly what it has to be, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, you could get an American, you don't need, those are for nerds dude. Okay. The 90 day fiancee, they're all fucking dorks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a celebrity, you know what I'm saying? Right. You need some American pig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, I'm definitely not a foreign girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she'd have to be real dumb. I'm telling you, like, you want a Dalmatian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause the first wife is always like the real wife and then the second wife is like the no static wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like all she wants to do is like yoga all day and she's like I'm into a gluten free diet and she just talks about quinoa or whatever and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but all she does, yea, she's like a yoga instructor. Yea, alright, cool. That's all she does. Cool, cool, cool, cool. She tolerates our children. Help me out now, man. No! I'm home here now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the, that's the, so here's the problem with my new Viet mom too, is that she's probably young enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but she definitely, cause I think she's still. Where's my Viet mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's definitely wanting kids, and he's gotta be, he's 72.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't hold back. It doesn't hold some people back. But it's not cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can just imagine, hold on, can you see my dad though? Cause he's such a savage. Like, I think that's why he likes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, foreign chicks, cause American women would be like, go fuck yourself. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I've heard him complain to his American girlfriend one time that he did have one. He was like, you know, ehh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You working too much? Why don't you bring me a plate of salami or beer or something? I'm fucking hungry, you know? Why don't you cook for me, clean up the house? And she was like, what? Like American women had, their heads explode when I do, you'd say some crazy shit to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, you could have, I mean, if your dad had an interest in them, you could have had a Vietnam too. Like you could have been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't think he ever had some Vietnamese ladies during the war?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. Well, you were- Big tits. Oh my god. Full blush. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So gross. You're talking about how my new mom makes my dad, like, how- cause my dad still is sexually active.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause here's the deal, man. Like, when I think about it, what he really wants is a housekeeper and a cook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what I'm saying, but the extra bonus is that he can bust nuts in his housekeeper. Like that's basically all this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you, you probably could have just found some nice lady local.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Who'll cook and clean for you. Maybe. And you can bust nuts in her too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect. You think you want to be with a 72 year old guy? Absolutely. 30 something year old? That's fucking awesome. When you're 30 you're-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, cause definitely. I mean that's gotta be the plan, right? She's thinking, how long do I have to ride this out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think they want to be a part of- Could you imagine having her over and acting like any of this is remotely normal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Ellis or Julian to promise, like, royalty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Tweet? I don't even know, like, what are real- cause they always- in the Laneal salon, they always go by like, Judy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's absurd, like, I just like, nobody in my family is normal. Like, not one, not one. The one that is normal moved away. The one I liked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn it, and I'm stuck with all these fucking crazy people, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta go to my therapy, I gotta go three times this week. I gotta triple up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you see my dad's wedding photo? Yeah, I did. Fucking crazy. I got really excited. Whew! That was... Something else, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So. He's got the kimono on or whatever the fuck that shit is. Now, one thing that I like to call that shit was sneakers. Kimono. He had on like a fucking Vietnamese, like, wedding garb. Yeah. Kimono, show him what the fuck it's called, and then she's wearing it, and he's wearing his white ass sneakers too, like. Look cool. You wore your good sneakers, that's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I would rather go to my dad's wedding with my new Vietnamese mom than watch them sing this song together. Or see this movie. This whole fucking nonsense movie of them singing and stuff, I can't think of anything worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I know, and I tried watching the clip and I realized that I hate slow songs. I hate slow songs too. No, I would never watch it. That's what I'm saying. I would rather fucking go to Vietnam and go to my dad's wedding than watch the fucking movie. It's so terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I couldn't even get through the music. I'm like, ugh, I hate the emotion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate, the only song I ever liked that was slow was the Whitney Houston, The Greatest Love of All.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the, but going back to your point of them being very intensely...sexuals. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if that was me in the audience and you were Bradley Cooper, I'd fucking go rip that bitch's necklace off. Really? Maybe I'd fucking choke her out with it. Rip that stupid bun off her head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. What's the part for real? Can you say? Are you allowed to say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's your type. Thank you. That's why I married you. You're a lovable a-hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I was Frenching Bradley Cooper in a movie and we were effing and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I make you feel safe? Yeah. Yeah, I try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not think- I don't like to wind people up like that. I think that's cruel to play games with people. I don't like that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. So you're saying you're gonna stay married to me? For at least 2019.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I'm never gonna let you, away. I'm fucking some stupid slut around my kids, away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways guys, uhm, I wanted to bring everybody's attention. Thank you everybody who tweeted out to Kelly Deal of The Breeders. You guys are amazing and I have an update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big YMH exclusive. We've been DMing each other back and forth on Twitter. And they currently, the readers don't have any dates for LA yet, but hopefully when they do, uh, we hopefully will get them in. So we're in communications right now. So thank you guys for making that happen, which is very exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty funny, Jeans. That guy is really something special, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was in, I've been pronouncing the town wrong forever. It's Siloam Springs. I've been saying Siloam for like months. Fantastic show. I want to thank everybody that came out to the Cherokee Casino. I mean, people came from everywhere. Fayetteville, Bentonville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Surrounding areas, wonderful. But the actual town of Siloam is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had a McDonald's, they had a donut shop, and then a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grocery store, that was it. And they're like, well, this is the center of the city, my driver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody was really great except for uhm, the guy that picked me up at the airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he showed up a half hour late, okay? And there's no traffic. There's no traffic. Uhm, so I call him when I notice he's a little bit late.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, and I was like, where are you, dude? And he's like, well, I'm about 10 minutes away. And I'm like, cool, just text me when you arrive. And then click hang up. 20 minutes go by, and I'm like, where is this guy? And I call him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, hey dude, where you at? What's your ATA? And he goes, are you in the baggage claim? I'm like, yeah, where are you? He goes, hold on, I'm going to come inside. I'm like, wait, you're here? And then he comes in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and he's like, how you doing? How's your day? And I'm like, uh, I goes, great. I woke up at 5 a.m. I flew across the country and then I got to spend a half hour in this cool airport. So I just want to thank you. And he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, way I can tell you're being sarcastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we get in the car and uhm, and I go, hey, so I ca- I told you to text me, like, when you got here, how long have you been parked out here? And he goes, I've been here for about ten minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was interesting. Everybody else super nice. They do just do everything slower on that part of the, uh, country though, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to get myself a lot longer, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they just don't, there's like, LA, we have a sense of urgency for shit. Same with New York. But, not these folks, man. You gotta, you gotta be on Oklahoma time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great, but I, but I like, I like you guys saying this because somebody listening, like I just worked with a fifth year comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know I think it makes this personality that we all have to be in this business and persist even though you're told no constantly and this thing about not asking questions


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so you were saying you're considering anti-depressants. What's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my fuck. So my dad, I'll just tell you how we found the picture. I was on, I was on social media and a relative posted a wedding picture of my dad in Vietnam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, with his new wife, and they're in like the full Vietnamese regalia, like the wedding regalia, but he's still wearing white sneakers, which is nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'd cause be same thing. He'd come out of court doing impressions like that. He walked out of court.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the, uh, it's the R. Kelly tape of I'm famous, I shouldn't have to repent for any crimes. I should be exempt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a shame. So Josh, having listened to this, do you think that maybe your problem might be trauma related? Like, can you think back to an incident when it started? I can't think of one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was gonna say, it's pretty fit, huh? But uh, one day...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's okay. Then we got a steakhouse to sponsor us and then they fired us because of that clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, actually when we got married, I was terrified of it, and uhm, it was something I thought I possibly could do, but I was like, I'm scared, my family's crazy, I don't know if I can do this. And then I got into therapy for a long time. And then, yea, through therapy, I, you know, figured it out, and now I love it. It's the best thing ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can see you getting furious. You get mad when the kid accidentally kicks your nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. But they don't show up in time to go to bed to rest for the games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, is that the line? What's a sexy pic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's smart not to show her face, though. I mean, like, from a setting naked pictures perspective, right? I mean, it's pretty incriminating. Do you care? Do you send dick pics to people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? He doesn't eat, he doesn't sleep, he can't come. How old is he? Cause he's not even a human.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need a profile pic to see him. How tall is he?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you on, oh, you're on the ketogenic diet? Low carb?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I get zanku chicken for us so that we get gassy. So you get going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the gold more than the black diamonds on you, cause you wear so much black already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the way he phrased it, he was like, you know how my friends and I just go to try? Like, without you. Yeah, and I was like, well, I didn't say it like that, like, oooookay. I was like, well then, can I, can I do something with you after? Like, is that cool?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's kinda girly. Do you know anyone, uh, any dude with an earring? Black guys can do it. Ah, you're right. That's true. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you know what I like while I was talking about this before? I get excited going to the grocery store and just buying whatever I want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a diuretic, which means it's dehydrating you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One's at 10, one's at 10.30. Oh, boo. But then don't you wake up early for the kiddo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well maybe it's because we don't hang around regular people or like, educated people. We just hang out with comedian douchebags all the time. So when he talks like, doctor talk, I'm always like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A cum party. Now you're thinking. Josh, that's a great idea. We're gonna throw you a cum party at Brendan's new house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, he won't give me the head scratchies unless it's exactly- my head is exactly- That's too much work. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buddy, buddy, did you hear what he said? He pushed my head last night, like I was a dog on the bed. Like, get over there. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but he could have asked. He could have asked. It was kinda rude to just push him. You gotta push your head. You guys gonna fight after that? No, I don't fight on that. I pick my battles. I bust his chops in a joking way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love him. You have to understand. I adore Tom Segura. Like adore. He really can do no wrong in my eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he comes in, I'm, I'm asleep. He comes in, and I'm, I'm, my head's on the pillow. And then he WHAM starts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know I'm trying to- let me think on it. I don't- I don't- he doesn't do a lot to infuriate me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I deal with. What about you and your lady? What do you think drives her crazy about you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mostly not, not listening. God. The device, the constant phone looking, like your, and then, yeaah. You're addicted to your phone? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's always a reason. There's always a reason. But here's the deal, man, is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People now, it's always business, but the reason it's always urgent, that they can get ahold of you now 24x7. That's the problem. And if you, if you let them get ahold of you instantaneously 24x7. I want this to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not all the time. One of us has to watch the kids and take care of the kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just heard you on Dr. Drafter Dark, you were saying how you like that Ari encourages you to put your phone down more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm not tell- oh, so you're worried if you don't- all I'm saying is, just listen to me. I'm not saying that you don't- you shouldn't respond to your business stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did, Brennan. We need to come back so that we can do more of these couples there. He listens to you. He listens to you. We need your jewelry contact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll never think of your ex again for the rest of your life. So come be with me, Julia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's not, it's not, just because it's the last one doesn't mean that it should still wobble, not wobble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, it's so cool. It's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so exciting. Your lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel good, and a lot of people tell me that, that they get that sense from me. But uhm, I am definitely on a, I hope it's a trajectory, because I'm not where I want to be yet. Like, you know, it's, it's an, I'm going up, but, and so it's looking good, but I'm not there yet, in terms of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at a point in my career where things are going well, when I get the double call, I know it's gonna be good news as opposed to bad. No one's calling to drop me right now. That'll come. Cause it always goes away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so weird to me that there's this, it's an unwritten rule, but it's a rule that with managers, you can't talk to another manager if you currently have a manager, but the agents don't adhere to that rule. It's not the same rule. Why does that not go for both of them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Managers, personal, it's family. That's supposed to be family. That's where it's supposed to be. Yeah. Okay, well that makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I recently had to leave someone that I didn't have a problem with. It was just like, time to move on. And nothing personal, no like, but- It's still hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So incredibly, just no bitterness. And you get worried in those situations. Yes. It's like when you break up with someone and they're mean and you're like, oh, I'm glad I broke up with you because you're an asshole. But uhm, she was just like, and I'm like, you're one of the good ones. I'm glad that I knew. It was such a, it made me feel so good. She's smart because guess what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always the sweetest. That's the advice I always give up and coming comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Once a week someone asks us that. All of us that. And sends their first time on stage. But I always tell comics like, don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the classic advice is do it as much as you can do it. Go up anytime you can. Keep your eyes open to comedy around. But I think essentially the best advice to give a young comic is be cool to be around. Be a fun hang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get the comics weed when they come to town. Offer to drive them places. Just be, don't be annoying, but like, hey if you need anything, I'm your guy. And just be cool. Because,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if you're a mediocre comic and there's better comics than you that are annoying, I will bring you on the road as a mediocre comic if you're a funny, if you're a fun hangout. And then by bringing you on the road, you'll get to be great because you'll get more stage time. So it's like, just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Bob, uh, they're walking through. Hyenas? Hyenas, yes, in Dallas. Oh, that is, you are in the way. Literally. There's like a fax going on by her. There's like still a fax machine. Do they, do they still do the shotgun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something as simple as when they start a show and they're like, give it up for your, like, are you guys ready to have fun tonight? Give it up for your headliner, Nikki Glaser. First of all, I don't like when they go, she's in the building, let her here, she's backstage. I'm like, don't tell them where I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's just so awkward to sit across from my feature in the green room who had just heard crazy applause from my name because that's who they came to see and then they have to begrudgingly and then he already, he feels weird and so I've told them just, can you just say the headliner part? Like, they'll meet him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever, you're so right, that I would hate that so much because I hate being sexualized on stage by the audience in any way. It happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And usually it doesn't happen, but anytime you take off your jacket...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Baguette and I hooked up. And? And uhm, so, okay, this-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was uhm, I, I was so frustrated this night. It was like one of the best nights of my life career wise. And I was like the bell of the ball and I'm at a party and he's there too. And I'm like, we're both in a different city and we're staying at the same hotel. And I'm like, I look greater than I will ever look. I'm peeking that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's just kind of like milling about the party and we're making eye contact here and there and being like, hey, you know, but it, uh, it just, he just was talking to everyone else about me. I'm sitting alone at this party. It's near the end of the night and there's this girl sitting next to me and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, this? I was like, I, that guy over there, like, we have been flirting, I've like, got a semi-kinda dick pic from him, things are happening, and he will not come talk to me. Like, look, he's talking to some two guys that he doesn't even know. I'm like, what's going on? She's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so finally we make eye contact and I kinda give a look like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing? Like at this point, I've been bitching about him to this girl. I'm all worked up and I'm like, I'm done playing it cool. I just go, I flag him in. I go get him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come over here! And he comes over and I'm like, what are you doing? And he's like, I don't know man, I don't know. And I'm like, sit here, talk to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we talked for like 20 minutes and then he's like, I'm going to go. And I'm like, I'm going to go too. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm going to get like, I'm about to go hook up for the first time in like ever, like forever sober having like, I'm going to maybe like get laid tonight and it's like going to be a one night thing and it's just going to be fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And listen, I will, uh, my rule for myself right now is not to like bang people, like I don't want to have penises in my vagina, like because I just get too attached and everything and I'm sober and it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. So my rule is though, I can always be convinced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, like, okay, like, but if I wanna have sex, I'm gonna have sex, but I just need to be convinced. And boy, I can be convinced. When I get horned up, there's just, my brain doesn't function, like, making logical choices. I just want it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something special about me that you want me more than other people. Like, even if it's a lie, just, you know what, just make me feel special. Make girls feel like, uh, the woman in the Long December Counting Crows song. All at once, across a crowded room, you see the way the light attaches to a girl. Like, make me feel like I'm the girl in the middle of a room that you just see. That's how girls want to feel. Then, in terms of, like, hooking up to get to have sex with me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just doesn't feel good to me to say that, but it's, it just is true. Like we, I need more. I just have a lot of times guys going in too soon where I'm like, I'm not ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hotel rooms are right next to each other. Perfect. I'm like, I wanna go to his because mine's a mess. Like, I'm like a slob on the road, right? Um, he's like, I have a buddy staying with me and I'm like, god damn it, really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I wanna look up, but I really, my room is disgusting, and so I just am like, give me a second, let me go in, I'm throwing things around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, I relate to- I haven't related to something more in a really long time. Something so specific that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I went in there and I missed a couple things. I think there was like a, uh, my, I left like out my, um, vibrator type thing. When he left, I was like, ah, it was like out and I'm sure he saw it, but who cares? Oh my god. I honestly should put that thing to use. Now, let me ask you something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't believe, I don't, just because I'm hooking up with a guy doesn't mean he gets to come anymore. And that used to be my rule. Like, you know, if you get to, if you get to a guy to a point where he is thinking he's going to orgasm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of girls feel obligated to bring about that orgasm because there's this blue balls thing and you just feel like you're a bad woman, he's gonna be frustrated, he's not gonna be able to get to sleep, all these things like if he doesn't get to come and a lot of times you guys don't deserve to come, you didn't do anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A guy, I, I used to say this in my acting, but like, after a guy comes, he wants to shut me like a laptop. Like he doesn't wanna like, keep fingering me. It's over!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He still has his shoes on and like maybe a top hat. Like I didn't let him take off anything because I was just like, you're, I don't want you to think that you're going to get anything out of this until you at least do something for me. Good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it was, it was great. It was good. Yeaah. And I go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you're gonna need to put that away. Like, it's not gonna be addressed yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, you have a great deck. And I can't wait for this thing to be in me someday. And it will be if you play your cards right. Like I'm looking very forward to that. But it's just not tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm not even convinced that I'm gonna like deal with it tonight. Like I might not even touch it. Because first of all, I don't have that much confidence in, and at this point, surely like four months ago or whenever this was five months ago, I've gotten way better at blow jobs since then. But at this point, I'm just like, those aren't, I'm not really like confident enough to be like, well, let me just do this and not confident enough to enjoy doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is, again, fine because we were really working up to some stuff and I just, it was a mixture of me being like, you don't deserve it and also, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't really want to do anything to you. Like I'm not in the mood to suck a penis and I certainly am not in the mood to jerk you off. Like I have no jerk off confidence. I don't ever. I can't do that at all. Neither do I. So I'm not going to do things I'm not good at. And so I'm just not going to do anything to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kind of, at one point we were just like making out and it was kind of just get winding down, you know? And I, we just kind of go, and he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets up, doesn't have to put on anything because he has everything on. He kisses me goodbye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leaves, and he walks, and I hear him go into his room, and we both just stand there, I don't know if he jerked off, I just ate sun chips and watched, uh, in my feelings challenges, the Drake in my feelings, like that was, I remember it was the night I saw Kiki, do you love me? And I was like, what is this dance craze? And I just watched it in bed, and I was like, oh yea, I just hooked up too, it was weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's autosensory meridian response, I think is the ASMR, but it's this feeling that you get when you hear, uhm, there's certain, uh, sound stimuli that make you feel a tingling in the back of your head that kind of goes down your spine and gives you this really soothing, like, numbed out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wonderful feeling that is described as brain, uh, brain orgasm, but it's not sexual. It just feels super relaxing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's two girls just going to town. Is this a mukbang? That's what they call this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, actually I don't like the girl on the left cause she's chewing with her mouth closed. I kinda like an open mouth and I know that's- What? Disgusting. What? I didn't realize this until I was on a plane once and a girl was eating a bag of sun chips next to me. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was getting numbed out so hard because this is a feeling I've been getting since, I can trace it back to my first time I felt it was in kindergarten and my school teacher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] was reading a book to the class and just the way she turned the pages and was reading it and then she would


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So throughout my childhood it would just be like, you know, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and, and show me like, you carry the seven, and then you add the three, and her bracelets would like, jingle on the desk, and I couldn't even pay it to, I would just be like, gggg, like, and I felt, oh, it was so good, but now I've worn it out so much, that I don't even get the tingles anymore, it just is soothing to me to play these videos. What about this guy? This guy's there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. I got legitimately excited that you had actual people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Optically, they are pleasing, but I've never really had a connection with one where I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he kinda was, like, making her feel desired. All the things that I was saying. Uh-oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just, I feel bad that I've mis- if I've misled anyone to think that that would be appropriate because that was so gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was just kinda being funny, like he had this little sense of humor, like I don't know that he was trying to be completely sincere. Wait a second, where did you get this and what is, why, is this real? It's so real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did this guy get my number? How did it get to this? He tricked me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and I want to, man. It's like sometimes I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I can't do anything. Like, sometimes you get out of the shower and you're like, I work on myself and I'm like, I'm, I'm peeking right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, they send so many things like that, but uhm, I can't do it, but I've sent uhm, just like,


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[Assistant] I mean, I'm constantly having to play games with guys with texting and acting like you don't.


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[Assistant] Like your Instagram story, okay? So like, you can look at your own Instagram story, swipe up on it, and then you see everyone beneath who has watched it.


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[Assistant] And that's when I just go, you know what, I'm gonna stop playing these games and just be honest and say how I feel and then that's not good. EITHER! So you, it's, either you play games or you scare them off with your honesty, so it's just, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If the next time I have it, I have like a whole plan. Like because in the past it's been like impromptu and I've been lucky, I've also been unlucky, but like in the future if I like want it and I'm gonna go do it, I'm gonna get a, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna, cause I've done enemas before, cause you're supposed to just squirt one up there and clear it all out. But, I don't know if I talked about this last time, but like, you have to get like 10 enemas. You can't just get 10 enemas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just bought one once, and that just mixes things up and makes everything worse. It was bad, bad news. And I remember being like, I'm so sorry that happened, literally that happened because I was trying to actually be better, like, you know, but that was so much worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's ones, I have a hair stylist who is a gay man and he was like, oh honey, you need to get off Amazon like a reusable one that you just keep filling with saline solution instead of buying like 16 boxed enemas at Walgreens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's wor- when I am in the mood to have some like, really effed up, like, dirty, dirty sex and like, really go all out, uhm, yeaah, I'd put in that effort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going in it might upset it. I just wouldn't wanna, I think the tissue is too sensitive for that. But uhm, but yeaah, it's like, like she's saying about uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your body like pushes it at, like it thinks it's poop, like that's a real-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because a lot of times that's when it's like, get out! Get out.


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[Assistant] I did learn some stuff. It's two. Two enemas. And if you have to shit after that, it's 9 out of 10 times it's an illusion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think I'll get three next time I'm ready to go.


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[Assistant] But then I gotta buy them separately because I don't want it to look like I'm about to have anal sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but I think in giving yourself enemas, it would feel kind of good. Like if you're into anal sex, like as a girl, I think that I would start to, it would be like a little bit of foreplay. Oh, I see. You like be like, um, I can't wait to, yeah, because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing about anal sex, it feels good cause it feels like you're taking a really good shit.


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[Assistant] I do. It's amazing. I like a good shit. It feels so good. It does. And that's what anal sex feels like. Like a good, like a really, really satisfying one where it's like, you've had to go and then you're like, your whole body is just like, ugh, you know those where you shiver and your literal eyes cross. Like that's, that's what it's like.


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[Assistant] Stay awake for an hour and then smoke a ton of weed. Then get horny.


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[Assistant] Oh! Wait, how does this person?


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[Assistant] Yeah, like, I just never heard the side effect of it. It's pretty cool.


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[Assistant] The dicks of meth was never as serious. You know the faces of meth? We all saw that as a face deteriorates. We didn't see the dicks through that chart. They could have just gotten harder and harder.


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[Assistant] It sounds like a fire rocket going off and then just, like, you can hear him whip.


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[Assistant] That was funny. Yep. But I don't want to hear someone breaking their leg. Sure. That's awful.


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[Assistant] What if you wore a wig and you called yourself something else?


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[Assistant] And she, can you imagine them just like putting their, putting a cup up to the door to hear? What's she doing? What is she doing in there? What is her, is she into ASMR? That would be kind of weird, right? Right? What if she's doing an ASMR video? No.


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[Assistant] You know, I bet it was like, uh, in between going to the beach with the girls and like dinner, you know, you have that downtime where everyone kind of like goes off into their own rooms. Getting dressed. Yeah, you're just like kinda, some girls are napping and she's just, you know, making some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm going to, I'm going to be in Cleveland, uh, next weekend, the 20th and 21st at Hilarity's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you're driving a rental car, uhm, tune in to my show, it's every morning, two hours every morning, 10 to 12 Eastern on Channel 95 Comedy Central Radio, called You Up. And we also have a podcast with the best of that's free, that you can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is one, he's like my best friend and he's on the show all the time. He travels with me on the road. He is, uh, yeah. Follow Andrew, Andrew Collins. So funny. And he loves you guys. And, uh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you hear a real orgasm or a real laugh, when you speed them up or slow them down, they sound like animals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Twin. This is Tiptoes. Tiptoes. In which you played a dwarf. I did play a dwarf, yeaah. How was that experience? It was uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, it was, it was, I must say, it was a little, it was a little strange. It didn't turn out as well as we thought it might. It's one of those where you, I mean, it's all a roll of the dice, I guess. But, you know, it's not my finest hour on celluloid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have gone periods of time without jacking off. Like, extended periods of time.


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[Assistant] I get what they mean, they're like, oh, don't jerk off, don't look at porn, it makes more sensitivity, and then you jizz faster or whatever, but it doesn't. You don't think so. It hasn't helped. I mean, how long do I gotta go, years? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've tried this? Yea, in relationships. I'm dating someone, I'm gonna go a couple weeks without-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if I'm having regular sexual intercourse, then, you know, I won't jerk off for, you know, cause I'll be like, I'm gonna have my dick inside something here in a couple of hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had a few, we'll have to see, I mean, through my travels, I'll have to see if they're serious or not, in their endeavors.


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[Assistant] Yeah, while I'm here, you know, since I do reside in LA, if you do also, then sure, yeah, reach out to me. Other than that, you know, I'll have to- Oh my god!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Am I gonna not follow up on it? I mean, do you know me at all? Jesus.


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[Assistant] I'm on Twitter, at Jay underscore Potter, or you can find me on Instagram, at Josh underscore Potter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, uh, Doug Mellard's gonna be on the show, uh, my buddy Rob Banks, uh, is gonna be on the show, and hosting, it's gonna be Maddie Hanson, who's hilarious as well. Oh, wow. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would still be like, nah, it's fine. That's cool. Yeah. Yeah, that's, that's true.


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[Assistant] And having a quote, ruined orgasm as you last like a lunatic. And the other guys that you featured, the cool guys.


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[Assistant] We're demanding the return of the 2.3 million dollars we gave you and we request that you change the colors of the set. Some legal action may be taken if you refuse.


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[Assistant] Absolutely, yeaah. She lives eight blocks away, we live in the same town still. Oh wow. Yep. Split custody, so we have to talk about, uh, kid schedules and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is tough. The hardest part was watching my daughter come over with like her laundry basket.


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[Assistant] And it's like, I go, well, why don't you put those in the dresser so it's not such a pain for you.


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[Assistant] How about that new puss dog? I wish. What? I got divorced too late. Everybody's like, oh you're divorced? Sorry. No. Absolutely. Really? True. You're not getting it in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, I don't, it just isn't, it's not a, people see me on stage and they're like, he's grumpy, and he has a grown man child.


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[Assistant] This kitchen, it's not like what I'm cooking.


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[Assistant] Yeah. So you're like, no thanks. It's like, just keep it, just keep it above the sack.


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[Assistant] They're just real sense, I don't know what, like they're always bruised or something. I don't know what's going on. And I got a vasectomy and zero problems. Didn't hurt, no pain.


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[Assistant] Put something in a, in a jar and then freeze it.


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[Assistant] I went in and the guy, uh, he has an, he's like an accent. He's, uh, in Fergus Fox. Did you have a set up appointment before this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so you have to go in, you have to go in and get the consult. Right. And during the consult though, he said, uh, because of a vasectomy, it can speed up cancer in your cratchal area and everywhere prostate. Uh, I don't know. Well, here's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't tell people that this is true. Cause I don't know if he, maybe he was just fucking with me. Maybe, in a small town, maybe he was just like, uh, funny man, huh? See, this is funny. Right. But anyways, yeah, so he gave me the... You want cancer? Prostate. What? I'm just kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you, what do you think about like nakedness and how do you fluff it? Get in there with your hands.


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[Assistant] Really? I have to tell you, have you ever, he lubed up the whole glove.


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[Assistant] And I actually said, my insurance is not gonna pay for all that lube. Cause there was a dollop. You know what a dollop is? That requires a spoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And it was, I was just like, what in the fuck? So he goes, elbows on the desk. It wasn't, I still don't think this is what should have happened. Cause it was so weird. Elbows on the desk and he just goes in.