[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, people are just so excited that Leo is back. He, he went away. Like the hot sauce thing will go away and then it'll come back. But, but Leo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, maybe as a tag to the video they could write, Annie, he's the best. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We love you. It hurts. No, it doesn't. It does not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You stayed a while after us, uhm, was it like so lame with all your, the coolest people in L.A. gone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So, you know, he kind of snuck into my mind like a couple of weeks ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really wanted to revisit him. I got so excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I revisited him, then we had Jeff Tate on, and he got to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Discover them for the first time, which was such a joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it really is. And then I got, it reminded me that like when it came out, I started to see comments from people who were like, yeah, I'm going to have to tap out of this one. And I'm like, what? And they're like, yeah, just can't watch this old guy jerk off for a whole episode. And I'm like, why not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then they're like, is this what you call comedy? And I'm like, uh, yeaah. This is one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. So I guess I'd call it comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They say I have oriental warts. That's not what they say. That's not what the doctors say for sure. But maybe in the 50s or something they did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's been goofing around for a while out there and he did some really rascally stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would go as far as to say that he's a, uh, a bad neighbor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he's been doing this for a minute and everybody warns you about him, but then, you know, now you see it and you're like, you know what? Bad guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, you know, there was that, um, like a meme, like a screen grab going on about a CNN article. It said he's on the front lines. It turns out it's parody. It's not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they didn't, I'm saying, it's all made up, like it's a made up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He loves Putin. I think, I think I saw a comment that said that, you know, he hopes that there can be a peaceful resolution, but I don't know. Uhm, I'm surprised that he didn't just go like, yeah, 100% we should be fucking bombing the shit out of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Talking about America's best actor and the- Best actor. And then this great world leader and the- Bros. Yeah. Broskies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's crazy that we're seeing it get bombed. I know. It's really insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be completely inexcusable if Russian women weren't so hot though, you know? This is true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, if I were a citizen, I'd be like, get out, get out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think it's pretty clear what happened here. This guy killed it in America. Crushed it. And was like, I wonder if I can conquer another continent, you know what I mean? So he was like, North America, I won that battle, so let's go see where else I can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole outfit is really working. The scarf thing and the strap over the, it's the hat, the hair. It's fucking solid. Well, it looks like he could be Leo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That stupid fucking handle. We're gonna get out there and we're gonna drop a hammer on him. Okay. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like he has to say this in order to like, keep living there. Like they're like, you're allowed to live as long as you keep...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you know the thing is people do now though, if you tell them something that is a truth they don't like, they go, that's made up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right. Yeah, it's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, yeah, uhm, you know, I, I really do hope it gets resolved. I hope by the time this episode comes out, it's resolved because it's, uh, it is really, really sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the people. And this is high quality stuff. I mean the socks, that's what I started with. The socks feel like custom made socks. Incredibly soft shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bama's designed their socks, shirts, and underwear to be the clothes you can't wait to put on every day. Everything they make is soft, seamless, tagless, and has a luxuriously cozy feel. They're made from super soft materials like merino wool, pima cotton, and even cashmere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] BAS.com slash mom for 20% off. Bombus.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, here, let's do something that's completely different from this, okay? You'll like this. Are you ready? This is gonna make you laugh, I promise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I understood I have to shit as like, it's something I'd like to do in the next couple hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I thought, cause I was like, oh I could shit and then you're just like, you know, sometimes I could be like, I could shit and I'll do it later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I lied to you because I realized that what was on the table, the offer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, oh, I can suppress the shit and then just shit after this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It depends on, hold on, you have to be fair to the scale. Sure, let's go. To the scale of how bad you have to shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and then there's a, there's a degree below that, that you still can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. Seven would make me go, should I shit right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I might, I might take the shit. I might be like, yeah, just go for it and shower and you know, but I also might be like, you know, I think I can suppress this just for this, this nut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that, once you, if you sign up for it, you tell the body we're doing this instead, it does shut it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I feel like that's very unlikely. If it's, if it's like a four or a five kind of flag inside, you're like, Oh, I'm not going to shit myself. If I had like a seven, it would occur to me. I would be like, Ooh, I could maybe shit during this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just would have been, I just was like, this is the priority right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, I still regret, maybe this is why, I still regret to this day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, kind of- I hate Marys, by the way. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was kind of a hippie-ish, uh, you know, free spirit type. Smoked weed where the, you know, the cut off, like the crop top with the, you know what I mean? That look like the hippie girl kind of thing. I don't remember having patchouli.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, but you know, like multiple rings, just like a free spirit type.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were flirting and stuff, and then one night she's like, come over. Right? We had kissed on a previous night. And she's like, come over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it, no, I think maybe I go over and then I go, I gotta go back. I have to, uh, study for this test in the morning, which was bullshit. I had, like, a nine inside of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went back, and I shit so violently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was a fucking disaster. And she was like, you don't want to come over. I was like, oh, I got this test. I got it. Cause I didn't want to, you know, be embarrassed or have that happen. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We started at 7.30 in the morning, he was drinking quite a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this happened to me twice with these, uh, these hoes. Uhm, I learned, cause I was really bummed out about that not happening again, you know, I liked her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, I would, I would always think like you gotta use a condom, and then anytime a girl was like you don't have to use a condom, then you're like, oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, those were the best. The best. Those chicks who were like, you're like, I'm gonna pull out, and then they're like, just go inside. You're like, UGH!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know! I wanna know!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No, that's usually not. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] L.A., that was gnarly. That was so gross. And then somebody was like, I can tell who's shit there. Nadav. I was Nadav. He was like, oh, I know everybody's shit pattern.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Theragun. Don't let the stress of daily life weigh on your body. Whether you're an elite athlete like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you're just a regular person, like you, trying to make it through the day tension free. Theragun can help. Theragun is the handheld percussive therapy device that releases your deepest muscle tension using a scientifically calibrated combo of depth, speed, and power, and it's as quiet as an electric toothbrush. The Gen 4 Theragun doesn't just feel good,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just had a theragun session at home. My wife and my kids each took their turn putting this thing on my neck and my shoulders and traps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] is trusted by 250 professional sports teams like Real Madrid and elite athletes like Paul George, Deandre Hopkins, Maria Sharapova and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try Theragun for 30 days starting at only $199. Go to therabody.com slash mom right now and get your Gen 4 Theragun today. That's T-H-E-R-A-B-O-D-Y dot com slash mom. Therabody.com slash mom. Uhm, so you remember, uh, obviously you remember this, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so that is, uh, Luke Bryant. Uhm, he's a- Greatest teeth. He's a famous country singer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's Luke Bryan. I thought it was Bryant. Uhm, anyway, I didn't know how immensely famous this guy is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it says it's a follow-up, so I don't know. What? I don't know, that's what it says here, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you though, I'd rather do it to a person than an animal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would rather bash somebody's hand with a hammer than shoot a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pediophiles, that should be open season. Anytime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That just happened to fucking Ken Velasquez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The UFC fighter just got arrested for attempted murder. Cause somebody of, you know, all these things sound terrible to say, but if the worst thing you could probably do is fuck with a killer's child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And somebody, like, uh, the story is, and probably by the time this comes out, it might be further along, that somebody molested his daughter. Nope. And, uh, he shot him. I would too. Or went to shoot him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, yeaah, I got arrested and everybody's kind of like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at this guy. Imagine fucking with that guy's kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw him fight in person one time and knock somebody out. I forget who he knocked out. Maybe Junior Dos Santos or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, he was a NCAA champ wrestler and then a UFC heavyweight champ. Scary dude. What is it? Make it bigger there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to see if there's anything here that I didn't know about. Uhm, keep going? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there any like, uh, if you, if you put, came to Alaska as news, is there anything like up to the minute? Like is there anything current for like right now? Uhm, one day ago, 19 hours ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, cause, uh, I think I saw a, a Dana White reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and he was like, oh, I think we all would have done that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks totally at peace in that fucking mugshot. He's like, yeah, I made a good decision.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so he had been arraigned Friday on a felony count of basically assaulting a minor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Galarte's accuser is a relative of Alaska's Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the child was abused by Galarte at his mother's daycare center. See these fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so he was going to his mom's place as like his breeding ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Imagine if like he just grabbed him and just started beating the fuck out of him. And started like, uh, like we talked about with ribs, just started just breaking ribs first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well it is, I mean it is kind of like everybody, uhm, yeah, MMA fighter looking smug and satisfied. He does look like he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it is every like parents, uhm, you know, I won't say fantasy, but like in that situation, people always say that like, oh, if you do something to a kid,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually agree that I think we should put a medal around his neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would actually look into uh, do they have bail yet set for him? I bet you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's not a bail said, I bet you he gets bailed out by like citizens. People are gonna be like, yeah, I'll take care of that. Yeah. Yeah. Unreal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know that they're not working there anymore. I mean, it just happened to be the hour and day you were there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always a solid choice. The choice to do it in the bathroom. The choice to be shirtless. Another choice. And not a bad physique. No, he looks good. It looks like he works out or is naturally in shape. He doesn't look bad at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The choice to shoot the mirror as opposed to flipping the camera on oneself. So that you get to see the hand holding the camera for the duration of the video. Interesting. The choice to not wipe down the mirror, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and then some of the, the freedom he took with the camera work. It was interesting to move the camera in and out. It was also really, uh, I mean the message itself was letting people know I'm single, which is important. That's good to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you could get some bites. I think you could get some bites.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes you do, you gotta be like, I'm funny, I'm great, I'm smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be interesting, here's what I'd be interested to see. What comes next? That's what I want to see. Where does this go? What direction do we go in from here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do we remain shirtless? Do we keep going to the bathroom to film? Does the message change at all? That's what I want to see. How does this evolve? True, true. Or devolve? True, true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's interesting that you say that, and I'll tell you why. Somebody is very consistent with their message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, to the camera, always here, always talking to somebody who's not hearing what he's saying, and it's always the same message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never heard that before. That pussy was like some homemade soup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Pussy. He's very into it. This is when he got his new camera. You can tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so happy to have an update. Well, you were saying you cool guys are consistent and I was trying to back. So consistent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's a couple things that I'll tell you. I understand, like, I get-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that while I get that inclusion, I really do get it. It is important. It's very important. You understand that it's important more actually, I think, when you have children. Because you realize that children see things and they go, oh, I could do that because they see themselves represented there, you know? Like our boys see it everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they, like, they never doubt that they can do anything. Right. Right? Cause they're just like, yeah, that guy looks like me. He doesn't, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I get, I get that it's important. The pro, the, not the problem, it's not a problem, but the thing that jumps out at me is that inherently we sexualize lingerie models. That's the gig. The gig is you're so hot that everybody wants to fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna suck his balls and lick the cum off his abs after he nuts, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's what I, what I think. You inherently sexualized the Victoria Sierra model. And now, to be inclusive, you've hired this girl, and I, you know, you applaud her that, that has Down syndrome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess you're trying to tell me, like, in this case, you shouldn't sexualize this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Because if you do, that feels kind of wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're telling, is it acceptable? Or are they saying like, tell your boner to go down on this one? You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. Yeah, she's an innocent, so it's like, is that really okay? Fully capable male. Is it ethical for him to be like, I wanna fuck this girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was like the Victoria's Secret show. That's the golden age. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lingerie company. Yeah. And they walk out on the show and then they send you the catalog and you sit at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, same Z by the way, on an underwear model. Calvin Klein underwear models are the gold standard for male models, right? And you see them and you're like, who the fuck looks like this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look at this girl and this girl right here, this angel, I don't know her name. She is an angel. She is an angel. She inherently knows, oh, it's Devon Windsor. She knows that every guy goes, I want to put my D all up in your P, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the job and she knows it. She knows it's been her whole life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she got into modeling and it went up times 10. And now she's a Victoria Seek wearing lingerie for a living. And every guy's just like, let me violate every hole in your body. Just put loads in her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She gets it. And she is, oh, like she can be like, no thanks, sure. Like she, and you don't feel like you, like as a man, you having that thought doesn't feel wrong. It just feels like your biology taking over, right? You're like, that's an attractive woman. You know, yes, I'd like to see her naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you look at Sophia, is that her name? Yeah, Sophia. And you're like, she's an attractive woman. Oh, I just should just applaud her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're front and we're showing her like her breasts and probably her ass and some of the like, and she's going and like, look at this body, check out this, this gorgeous body. And you're supposed to go like, it is a nice body. Uh, good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be honest, did you lick your lips when you washed it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talked about the guy and you're like, he doesn't wanna see my mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if she does, but I also don't go, she doesn't want my middle-aged dad bod.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you go like, hey, you know, what about her? I'd be like, yeah, I'll fucking slam it in her and just, you know, she'll be lucky to get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've been fucking some 20 year olds? Check this out. And then just do like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've been fucking girls your whole life. You've become fucking a woman. But now you gotta, you gotta put, you gotta pull out. You can't be like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever you want, like you gotta put it on em. Well that's the trade off. You gotta do it, yea, you gotta put on a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You lick it first. You have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, just being so vile. Like the most, I want her to walk away being like, that was disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's right. She's like, what's happening? You're like, I'm fucking showing you a hair down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking dead fish. Every guy will tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they, you know, oh my god, this girl's gonna, you know, go, go back with me to my room. And then she's like, and especially like not as, not always, but a lot of times the girls that I would describe as leading with sex, like, you know, they put this aura of like, I'm very sexual. Yeah. And then you get to the magic moment and you're like, this was boring. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, but it's like a cold lay. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, it's funny because it'll be the most beautiful girl, not always, I'm speaking in general, but will be more self-conscious, and then you're like, what are you doing, right? And then the girl who's not perfect is like, let loose, free, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, it's, it's the, if she's super hot, yeah, it's like she's never had to try, so she doesn't even know what the fuck to do in the first place, you know? There you go. And that's who, by the way- Don't compliment that bitch. That's who Jacob, that's who Jacob is fucking. Jacob. The actor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could fucking fall for this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could fuckin' fall for this. See, that's how they- Damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love how good some of the, uh, trans, like, people are looking post where you're like, oh, like I feel like sometimes you're like, I have no idea. Yeah. I have no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the worst is when they're like, there's a, uh, there's a model who's also got a medical degree. I don't care. Fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's changing the way people think about nerds and geeks. Oh, fuck off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's 24. She can do it if she wants to. Feels weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, check this out, this is kinda funny. I brought in one of my good friends, very very funny comedian, thank you for coming by, yeah of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's always cool to meet comedians and like- You recognize me? Yeah. You're a good looking guy, you're successful. To have some success and like, somebody knows it or whatever and you're like, okay, you know, I did something well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we have actually a pretty natural, classic, uh, archetype comedy dynamic. Right. It's wacky guy, straight guy, basically, you know? Yea, cause you have like, you'll always kinda surprise me with like, your references to like, anything. I'm like, this dude has deep knowledge about things I don't expect. Dude, I just have a big dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a small dick, then you look at what an extreme version of it is and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That seems pretty awful. It's really, really sad. That's why it's so great to meet lesbians. They don't care and they're not wowed by it. They're not influenced by it. They don't have any interest in it. Right. Well, you know what? This is a perfect time to segue. Okay. So it goes on and on. Um, let me give the proper credit here. Uploaded to YouTube at


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At Joke World. That's who did it. At Joke World. Uhm, and the world is WRLD. He cut this for over like four minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it always amazes me because the amount of time it must take to do this. Right? This is like a real undertaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, speaking of phone calls, uhm, that thing that I showed you, remember that Sean recorded? Oh yeaah. I'm not gonna throw up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was amazing. Uhm, I'm gonna, I have part of it recorded. We're gonna put it on a, on a vlog soon or upload it to, to my Instagram. But it's, uhm, it's crazy. I got a phone call from a guy who, like in the mo-, I thought, I never answered the phone, went on a number and I just answered. And he was like, what's up, Mo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, this is not mo. And he was like, come on, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, yeah, it's not. And he goes, oh yeah, what are you calling yourself? And we talked for like six, seven minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would not believe that I was not who he thought I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, I just got out of jail and he's like, I'm sorry for everything that I did before. It went on and on and I was, and then I was like entertaining it. I was like, oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, there you are. See, I knew you. He's like, what are you getting into these days? And at the whole end of this conversation, I was like, yeah, I'm not the guy you think I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll play it for you. It was absolutely incredible that this guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like it was, it was supposed to be like, you know, can you give somebody, it's like basically saying, give me a pickup line or like a riddle. And, and they're just surprised that you gave them a two word instruction and they're like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they're actually, they're actually celebrating, you know, they're celebrating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think in Ukraine right now they're like, guys, we're gonna have kindergartners sign an anti-racism pledge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah? Oh man. I think we hit all our balls today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. We don't want to go the Ruski route. No fucking way. No way.


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[Assistant] Yep. Uhm, alright, well I think we should wrap up. Let's wrap it! Uhm, we are both on the road and we're touring and we're doing stand-up comedy. And there's dates all over the nation. Gene, where you gonna be?


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[Assistant] Right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now. I have announced a bunch of new dates.


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[Assistant] Uhm, they're on sale, go to comscore.com slash tour and just take a look. It's a big ass tour. I'm going all over the place. Uhm, just check that site and we are constantly adding dates. So if you haven't, I get asked about certain cities.


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[Assistant] Thank you guys for watching and listening. Hope you had a good time today. Our closing song is by Caramel Elephant, called Enny's Hot Saucy Ass.


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[Assistant] You know how many times I've accidentally seen a guard throw him over the top tier to their death? Do you know how many times I've accidentally seen the guards accidentally


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[Assistant] Another inmate in their cell when they're not supposed to have a cellmate and see them brutally get beat.


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[Assistant] Every day their existence, they feel so vulnerable like they made their victims feel, but it's even worse because it's grown men that are coming for them literally every day to kill them, extort them, spit in their food.


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[Assistant] They get no love, no respect, and every single day is a nightmare. They're just waiting to get ki-


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[Assistant] Well, it's apparent that nobody's gonna make any real significant trade for Baker, at least not yet.


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[Assistant] If I'm running the, uh, Cleveland Browns, uh, I'm keeping Baker until, uh, Deshaun Watson arrives. As a matter of fact, I'm starting the season with Baker. Uh, and if Baker goes, uhm,


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[Assistant] Four and two, five and one, assuming it's a six game suspension, uhm, hey, that's going to be good for Baker. Because at that point in time, uh,


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[Assistant] Uh, with, with Sam Darnold. We're gonna know what's going on up in Seattle. We're gonna know what's going on in Houston with the young kid Nils.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm just there on my third time in church and I'm taking over the place.


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[Assistant] So how is this one different than the video that you sent me today at 8am?


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[Assistant] This is terrible. The guy trying to jump the car but not doing it so he just got hit really slammed into a windshield and flipped over his neck.


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[Assistant] That's funny. That's funny. Yeah. So why is this one not funny?


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[Assistant] You wanna play that game, you can play that game. Props to Blake Shelton, he's cashing in, but that's not the game I wanna fuckin' play, you know? Yeah. It's all insider fuckin' shit, so.


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[Assistant] You want real shit? Listen to Wheeler. You want corporate dog shit? Blake Shelton's your guy.


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[Assistant] I love you guys, so happy to be back here. Thank you. Thank you for coming, man. Happy, happy to visit you guys in Texas. This is cool, man. I was there from the, I remember you guys in a little, little dumpy studio, some, in some back alley and fucking, uh, uh, where was that?


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[Assistant] I don't know, I bet I know, I went, but even something before that, but to see you guys build this fucking empire, see Danny Brown in the hall, it's like celebrities, it's like, it's like the old studio system. Except instead of like, you know, Sony being in charge, instead of like, you know, Wizard of Oz characters.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this is Garth. Well actually, it's crazy that you guys have this and Garth's still got his little, uh, he's still in the fucking Redondo Shack. Yeah, he's in Inside Studio G. Yeah.


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[Assistant] He just played two nights at Nissan Stadium back in Nashville. Oh wow, that's where the


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[Assistant] This is my new album. It's got two songs with the first ever album with two songs with the word Beaver in it. Wow. That's pretty awesome. Beaver Fever and Beaver Town are both on the album.


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[Assistant] You guys heard my new single, God Told Me To Fuck You?


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[Assistant] No. I like it. It's really good. God tell me to fuck you? Yeah, can you play a clip? Am I allowed to just order things? Sure. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Oh, there's a video out already. This is my favorite song I ever wrote. Really? The prettiest one, I think. That's really pretty. Do you play that piano? No, I don't.


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[Assistant] That is. Thank you so much. That's really fucking awesome. I like that I can just name it. Just yell a tune and then you start fucking.


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[Assistant] By the way, so I got my people said, before you get here, text this guy Nadav. Text, hey, Nadav, I'm here. Text back, I'm not. Okay, thanks, thanks.


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[Assistant] Now that you've got this studio, you should sell that movie. Yeah, I know, right? Nadav is hummus tasting across Israel. Yeah, exactly. Tyler Perry presents.


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[Assistant] I'm not here. Shalom, yummy hummus. Yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] I've never seen hummus on a text. He got it all over the fucking text.


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[Assistant] Thank you so much. Uhm, I try to keep up with the big boys. I don't know if you, if you guys, you were just in Nashville, but God, it's got so fucking corporate, you know? Yeaah. The way that the country, I mean, like uhm,


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[Assistant] They're seriously, I mean, you know that guy got in trouble with the racial slur, but to me,


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[Assistant] The real people should be getting in trouble is like, this, have you heard that guy with the fucking, who is the cultural appropriation, this fucking dude is like rapping about Applebee's, you seen that song? Yeaah. The Applebee's rap. That's the worst fucking. That's the worst song ever. But isn't that just, isn't that more racist than anything, just ripping off black culture? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] I just, I thought his name was Applebee's guy. Yeah. And they're using it, right? Probably. I mean it's probably why he wrote it. Yeah, they're using it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, um, Walker Hayes, that's his name. Yeah. Sucks to share a name with him. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Uhm, it's... Can I tell you a story about that song? Sure. About how fucking... And then tell me about Sluts in Heaven. How does it go?


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[Assistant] Fuck my country boy got real big, but here's the thing. So...


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[Assistant] The big thing on music streaming services is the playlist. They refuse, the major labels refuse to play, have banded together because I'm destroying all the fucking, they're stars, because I sell and stream more than them.


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[Assistant] So they made sure that the streaming services can't playlist me, because playlisting makes you bigger. That's the new way that they, they, shadowban you basically. That they ban you, so.


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[Assistant] Fuck, my country book got so big, it was on some, Spotify's got this thing called the, uhm,


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[Assistant] The top viral songs in America.


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[Assistant] The record companies can't do nothing about that. That playlist is just how many people are listening. Sure. And Fucked by Country Boy was number seven. And I have a buddy who works at a label. I go, so they can't ban me from this?


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[Assistant] The real, what people are listening to, the viral charts, and the guy goes, wait till tomorrow.


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[Assistant] They called this, they called the fucking streaming services. Gone. Erased it. What? Really? Cause usually it goes, you're at number 7 on the viral charts, you go down 5 to 12, you go up 5 or whatever it is. It was just gone. It was just gone.


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[Assistant] I mean not, I mean some of them, some of them literally do, but some of them also just say that space is, you know, no one's gonna listen to the fucking Applebee song unless we shove it down their fucking throat. So we gotta put it on the fucking playlist.


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[Assistant] Because people, because people like me and you guys, we, we go to our streaming services and we go type in Stevie Wonder. We just want to listen to a song. Right. But most.


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[Assistant] Can I, can I make a weird, uhm, admission? Yeah. I wanted to hear Garth so bad I signed up for that Amazon. You did? You did?


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[Assistant] I don't know what song I wanted to hear that day, but I just felt like sometimes, I don't feel, are you with me on this? I don't feel like Garth has songs. It's just Garth. Like I just want to hear Garth. It's just like all his songs are just part of like the Garth universe. It's like, I wanted to experience the Garth. It's called the Garthiverse. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Don't laugh. Why did he laugh? I don't know, people are just getting their heads blown off and he's fucking laughing. He looks at her and then goes hahahaha.


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[Assistant] I'm getting there. I think like a better looking version. And you also don't need to show...


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[Assistant] The number of billions on your hat either. That you have. I got seven now. Give me a hat.


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[Assistant] Well thank you, thank you so much for not sharing.


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[Assistant] He makes good subs. How do you go from being Jimmy John making subs at home to just like having that empire?


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[Assistant] You know what's funny? So I got an uncle who's like, I want to say 82, who watches TikTok all day.


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[Assistant] Oh, I saw another dude. He's like, he sent me a video of something. He's like, this guy is like built. He's got big muscles and he's singing your song. Wiggler, isn't that cool? It's like.


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[Assistant] Cause he's built? No, but I'm like, it's not cool that my 82 year old uncle's watching TikTok all day. Yeah. Isn't that kind of weird? A little bit, but I mean. But he's like, he's, he's entertained. But he keeps swiping, cause I think old people like it, cause especially old dudes, they keep swiping until they see the boobs. Yeah, sure.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she doesn't love it, but you know, I just did, one of my goals when I started was, and you probably, I'm sure you played there and sold out, but it was to sell out the Ryman. Yeah. And we just did a sold out show at the Ryman just a few weeks ago. And it was fucking crazy. My whole family came out to that. So it was cool. But like when I sing drop them out and the


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was, that was kind of, that was one of the few times she was just like, I see 3,000 other people getting it. So, I'll give you a pass. And your dad? He was there, yeah, he loved it too. Are they like, traditional, are they related?


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[Assistant] Like I said, I was just talking to Danny Brown. I got my own lane, Danny Brown got his own lane. I don't want to be. I don't want to sing the fucking boring ass fucking shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. Competition. No, I like, I like doing my, um. Your thing, man. I like doing my thing and I don't like, that's why I didn't sign to these fucking labels. They want to buy me out to, you know, throw me this money. I was like, nope. Yeah. I want to stay fucking independent. I want to be able to say what I want to fucking say. That's why I get so pissed about these guys. You know, man, I got fucking canceled. Well, don't sign to fucking Universal.


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[Assistant] You want, you want all the fame, you want all this book, and my new hero is, uhm,


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[Assistant] This guy, uh, I've been watching his videos non-stop. You know, uh, UGK? Yeah. Hip-hop group. Yeah, sure. Bun B. Yeah. I just saw some interviews with him. He was just like, he broke down the music business. Go check out those videos you haven't watched. He broke down the music business like that. It was just like, this guy fucking knows his shit. He gets it. He goes,


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[Assistant] He was saying, if you signed to a major label, you're a fucking idiot. He didn't say those terms, but he's like, you know, you want to, he goes, do you want to, you want to make money or you want to be famous? Yeah, choose.


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[Assistant] You wanna make money, you gotta own your shit. You wanna be famous, sign your life away to a big fucking corporate label.


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[Assistant] You know, I mean, you guys do that. No one owns your touring. No, no one owns any of your podcasts. No, exactly. You guys have your own thing. No one, no one can come in here and tell you what the fuck to say. No, it's great. And in this country you can do that. You just got to build it up. It takes a little more work and you can't, you know, it takes more risk and you can't, you can't, you know, muscle like, um, you know, like I'll give you my favorite example is like,


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[Assistant] Blake Shelton's album sales go down. Man, he's on The Voice now. He's big again. Well, look, let's look a little deeper. Okay, Blake Shelton.


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[Assistant] He's on Warner Brothers records, okay? An accident he got on The Voice? Right. So you look through the credits of The Voice. Who makes The Voice? Does Warner Brothers have anything to do with The Voice? Oh shit, they do.


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[Assistant] You want real shit? Listen to Wheeler. You want corporate dog shit? Blake Shelton's your guy.


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[Assistant] I think he's fine, but he, he got two shots. He screwed up sent her out live once, right? And then got a second shot. Remember that he get like a COVID protocol thing. Like who gets two shots, especially coming up, who gets two shots at SNL? And I go, dude, I know the answer. Look it up right now.


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[Assistant] I was with my buddy and he had his phone. I go, what label is he on? They go,


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[Assistant] Look set up. Universal. Yep, NBC. NBC, NBC, Universal, Saturday Night Live. So these things aren't accidents. You don't get two shots at SNL after you screw up the first one unless your label and the network are shaking hands under the table. Sure. So it's all corporate handshakes.


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[Assistant] Cause then you can go on TikTok and then Christina sees it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's kind of, that's why I do it, cause I, you can still make a, now with these cameras nowadays, you can make a pretty video for fucking.


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[Assistant] By the way, can I add something? Today was my, I flew into Austin, my first flight without having to wear a mask in like how many years. So good. Was that great? It was weird being able to, it was weird being able to breathe on a fucking plane. Yeah. And also kinda, I kinda remembered why.


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[Assistant] Bitchy, bitchy spice. Yeah, bitchy spice. She, uh, you think that's booze or mental illness?


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[Assistant] Who decides, I gotta, I gotta fly today, that's what I'm, I gotta get my outfit, that's what she wanted to wear.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's some, there's some characters on there. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It's like, it's like, they're leaving a party to go to a party. Yeah. It's like we're going from a bachelorette party to a bachelor party.


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[Assistant] Is that happening in Austin too? Nashville's just turned into, like, it's just bachelorette town. Yeah, I mean, it's definitely here. It's definitely here. I think Nashville's more. God, it's fucking crazy. I want to smash through one of those, uh, pedal taverns.


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[Assistant] Well the thing is that most of the people, they just, because the women just start drinking and things just sit in there. They just stop. Like, oh shit, I can't drink. These women, these are not the kind of women who, they can't do two things at once. These are not Olympic cyclists.


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[Assistant] Oh no no, I had, I wanted to, can I start a beef on this show? Do whatever you want. Okay, I want to start a beef with your, with your boy. Oh. With Bert. Oh yeah. Okay, so here's the thing. I'm in, I'm in Nashville. My, one of my people on my team called me up.


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[Assistant] My boy, my old buddy, Bert, is in Nashville. He does a podcast from his tour bus.


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[Assistant] And he, and he wants you to do it. Oh, I'd love, I'd love Burr, I'd love to come do the podcast. Yeah. Brett, uh, Kershaw or Kirchich, whatever? Yeah, exactly. And I go, and I'm like, I set out my time, I had rehearsal that day, I canceled my rehearsal.


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[Assistant] Did I get a call? Like, something came up for Burt. He can't do it.


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[Assistant] You know, shit happens, what are you gonna do? Yeah. So, then like a week later, so, before that I done, have you ever heard of the Bustin' with the Boys podcast? Yeah. So I did that podcast, uhm.


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[Assistant] It's like these two NFL guys sitting on a bus, anyway. So, Buck and Burt cancel, and I get it, he's got to do promotion too, I'm not, I get it, I still want, but my point is I still got beef.


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[Assistant] He, he canceled my podcast because he went to do Bustin' with the Boys. And he talked so long.


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[Assistant] They had turned into a two part bussing with the boys. He showed up at the bus, cause they kept calling me like, you know, maybe Burt's gonna, he's gotta do this little thing, it won't take too long. He sat in that fucking bus for four fucking hours. What? He went to, he talked to two former NFL, or actually current NFL players for four hours. They had to break it up into two podcasts.


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[Assistant] And he canceled my podcast, sat on a bus with those fucking dudes, and canceled on me. He never heard from them. Never followed up. And the other thing too is, so I had an episode of Bustin' with the Boys that's been, keeps getting delayed because like, Burt part 8 keeps coming out. They gotta break it up into like, it's turning into a fucking, you know. He never stops.


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[Assistant] So that's my beef, Bert. I love ya, but, I'm fuckin' pissed.


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[Assistant] Tom told me before to bring up, to bring up what? What'd you tell me to bring up? His weight.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it would have been cool, but you know, sometimes you get four hours of shit to get off your chest. Yeah. Like what did, what kind of NFL shit did they talk about?


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[Assistant] Burt, you're on my fucking shit list Burt. Hey Burt, I second that.


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[Assistant] I mean, our boy. But no, listen, I do get it. He's got, why is my promotion more important than his promotion? It don't matter. Yeah. But, sometimes you just gotta start beef to start beef. Yeah, I think it's a good idea. Yeah.


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[Assistant] So to make it up to me, I'm gonna have to fucking fly to Redondo to do a podcast. I don't wanna be that guy. He'll play Nashville again soon.


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[Assistant] He doesn't like to go home, so yea, probably. He's not allowed to go home? I always think about that with people who tour. Is that why people tour so much?


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[Assistant] Tom, come on. No! You got a wife and kids you gotta take care of.


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[Assistant] I saw something about, no. Brad came to my show. So I was trying to figure, I saw, I heard the thing about you. BP.


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[Assistant] Yes, the other thing too is when you, I didn't know this until recently, is if you, a buddy of yours, if you start texting in green, it means they changed their number.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, babe, you're on a text chain with anyone who's green. And then it comes up like a text, like so and so, I don't need a text saying you liked it. Shut the fuck up, grow up, get a job, make some fucking money.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, if he can hang out with, if he can, if he's with Brad Pitt, you can, you could be hanging out with her any day.


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[Assistant] Also sounds like maybe something really bad happened and like, you're trying to cover for it. Smart move. Just cause you wanted to pull, I didn't.


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[Assistant] But do you, but do you, do you want a pool? I do. Demand a pool.


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[Assistant] I'm still kinda blown away by the Brad Pitt thing. Mm. Cause I saw, I heard it on the podcast. I thought it was a bit. No.


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[Assistant] Here's my question, honest question for you, honest question for you. He comes to the show, does he sit in the audience? Just like a regular dude.


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[Assistant] Fuckin'. Imagine having a billion bucks and buying a bucket hat.


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[Assistant] How about that for fucking promotion? Hey man, there's Brad Pitt on the


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[Assistant] All my friends got like mild cases. I got it fucking bad. I had the OG strain. Yeah. December, 2020. Oh yeah. I had, but can I tell you what happened? Here's a dumb thing to do. My wife got really sick and she, I was like, you don't, she's like, I think I got COVID. It's like, babe, you don't got COVID.


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[Assistant] Lost my fuckin boy. Cause you made her cough into your mouth. Cause I had to prove to her that she didn't have COVID. Yea. Then I went, we both got tested. Fuckin positive, positive. And you got really sick? You really got it twice? Yea, I got so, I got so fuckin sick.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I got that. I thought it was so, I thought I was, I thought I was fucking made up. Yeah. Really? Yeah.


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[Assistant] What I wanna do is, I've never done this on your show, I've never done this on a podcast, period. I wanna get-


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[Assistant] I know it's going to be weird for me, but I want to get kind of serious here for a second. Okay. Because we have a mutual friend, Adam Egan. Well, I met, I met through Norm MacDonald, I met Billy, through Billy Joe Shaver is a great country musician. Through Billy Joe Shaver, I met Norm MacDonald and Norm MacDonald and I got really close.


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[Assistant] And Adam was really close to him too, and I texted Adam last night that I was coming here, and he's not in town, so we couldn't hang out. He said, why don't you play, cause Norm used to, Norm and I used to, Norm loved country music, he loved outlaw shit.


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[Assistant] Adam goes, how about as a tribute to Norm, why don't you play that Waylon song, Waylon has a song called Outlaw Shit that I sometimes play at my shows. As a tribute to Norm, it would mean a lot to me if you played Outlaw Shit. Okay. So I know it's kind of weird for me to play a serious song, but.


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[Assistant] That'd be great. There's serious people looking at us, let's just do it. Yeaah, that's great man. You care? Not at all.


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[Assistant] Like I said, real close with Billy Joe Shaver, who's a country hero of mine. If people listening, go look up Billy Joe Shaver, an amazing country artist. Obviously you all know Norm, watch Norm, but this is outlaw shit. It's a Waylon tune. This is for Norm.


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[Assistant] Having someone you're a fan of be a fan of yours is a pretty big fucking deal.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and it was awesome that he, he loved all the people I loved and he got what I was doing. It meant a lot.


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[Assistant] He would text me late at night like, Hey Wheeler, who's your favorite, um, Russian author? I'm like, I've read like two books and neither of them were Russian. They both had, you know, came with crayons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and his book, uh, starts with a, which book is great, I did read, that's actually a book I did read. It opens up with a Billy Joe Schafer quote.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like a, it's like a kind of a fake autobiography, but he opens it up with a Billy Joe Shaver quote and a Bob Dylan quote, so it's pretty cool. Yeah, he loved, he loved the good shit.


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[Assistant] Well, I was gonna say there's not, other than you, sometimes Burt and a couple other dudes, not many comics who I give a shit if they like my, dug my music, you know. And he was on that list and it was cool that he dug it.


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[Assistant] I'll send him some like hate texts. I saw a concert with him once. Oh you did? Me too, what did you see with him? I saw the replacements reunion. I used to love the replacements. And he loves the replacements too. Yeah, I'm sure he has a pen of theirs. Yeah, he's got, he, he's another guy who just like, man the replacements are awesome, huh?


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[Assistant] I'm at my parents house. Yeaah. We're kind of in the middle of something. Cool.


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[Assistant] So the comedy store had like, there was like a kitchen, right? Yea. He said he got all the Mexicans back there in New England. Nice. Really? Yea.


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[Assistant] Austin, Austin and Nashville are the new L.A.'s I guess.


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[Assistant] Cause it's too, it's too fucking, it's too fucking LA. It's, it's fucking, it's just pedal taverns. It's trying to be, I just saw a thing that they're turning, speaking of which, they're turning Blake Shelton's bar into a fucking Carson Daly TV fucking show. What? Fucking choke me. Shut the, get the fuck out of town, man. I don't want Carson Daly where I live.


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[Assistant] I moved there because Carson Daly didn't live there. Yeaah. And now Carson Daly's gonna be shooting a-


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[Assistant] From Blake Shelton's bar in Nashville. Shut the fuck up. Who's behind this? MBC Universal. Probably, yeah. Warner Brothers. Get the fuck out of Nashville, man. It used to be a cool fucking small town and now it's fucking... A town dies when Carson Daly shows up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then you're just like, oh cool, fucking Nirvana's gonna be on there, gotta tune in. They're like, what's Carson Daly gonna ask Nirvana? He's like, you guys rock. Pretty cool, huh? And they're like, yeah.


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[Assistant] Oh shit, Soundgarden's on. Yeaah. And then he asks Soundgarden to say, how's it like to rock?


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[Assistant] I'm going to throw you some history. Was his dad an NBA ref?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? I remember, I swear I saw, uh, uh, on the real world. Look up his dad. Cause I used to watch that show all the fucking time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I hate those fuckers. That's gotta suck. It's like busting with the boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine being, that's like, that's why I hate Tom Brady, you know. That good looking, that fucking good. I mean, you're a friend of Brad Pitt, you probably love him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that picture right there with the shirt, huh? That's like the guy who made the Fuck My Country Boy video on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Dang. Someone tells me that guy right to the right is not related. That's not him. That's definite. He sells real estate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Imagine that date where you show up and that guy shows up. And they're like, oh, fuck. What round were you drafted?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shows. I'll tell you, I'll tell you what's on, I'll tell you what's on MTV cause I just, I shot an episode of Ridiculousness and I was like, I wonder,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well isn't, is it MTV? It's still called Music Television, right? Cause they would do, oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not just that. Let me guess, he died alone? No, he actually died fucking. He died fucking? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought he was going to talk about life underwater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we gotta know. Yeah. What if I, what if I'm doing it? Yeah. But also what do you think that guy you showed me before who died, what do you think he would say about them? The guy who farted?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how some people fart and you can see their butthole in your head? I know exactly what a butthole is. Especially those little flaps at the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was like. But he's trying to hold it in there at the end. He wanted it because he knew it was TikTok. It was short. So we had to get it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No wonder you left LA. You can't do this shit in fucking California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's a tough shower. That's a different one. What's it like to wash your hair? Uh, tic-tac. Uhm, you gotta write tic-tac. Tees-o-toes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not good. He raps about how tired he is. He can't go to fucking sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. I didn't know this was, I don't, I don't have TikTok. I didn't know this shit was going on. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Our, our, our, uh, our fountains are not for washing your balls. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Physical torture? To you? Uhm, not like that, not in fucking Wuhan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got, I don't want, I hate naming dates, but it's all on my website. Okay. We're touring right now. Like I said, sold out the rhyming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I never thought I'd get to Breakeven. But it's cool, it's cool. It's like, I don't know how they fucking these fuckers figured it out. But they're like, yeah, you sold 2000 tickets. Breakeven. I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Can I see the numbers on that? You know, you're off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well someone, a buddy of mine who was out there said it was just a continuous, they didn't have to turn the tap off. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, can you text, uh, uh, old, uh, BP about it? Yeah, fuck yeah. And you'll let Natasha Lyonne know about it? Yep. Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really nice. Can we, can we let the guy who, the Irishman, the Farton Irishman know about it? Yea, we'll definitely let him know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, as always, thank you for coming in, man. It's my pleasure. I love what you guys built here. I love that you guys are in Texas. I love you guys period. I love everyone. It was so nice to me except Nadav, who fucking big time me. But other than that, it was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop spraying perfume on your vagina and take a damn shower, bitch. Out here smelling like Victoria's seafood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya nya nya nya nya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there like a, is there like, do they kiss you when it happens? I wish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Suck it dry. Come on Mark, don't be stingy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's normal size. It's not, it's not that, that big. Well, the one, the one thing, the one thing that I'm going to tell you is that the first time it's, it's going to be quick with me because it's been a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm half cut, let's put it that way. I'm half cut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because I got cut when I was adult. I was in the military. I messed it up. I had a virus and, uh, I had what they called oriental warts. That is not what they call it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he was supposed to circumcise me completely so that I wouldn't have the problems and, uh, that's as far as he got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to be just wanting. I want real bad too. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I can see it, but now I have to move mine. Yeah. So that you can see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh gosh. Yeaah. Mmhm. I wanna get you too. I think we each have a good mouthful and, and, uh, we can have some good fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other there, but like I say, I'm built in such a way that, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well let me just bring the camera to me. Oh shit. Think that it'll satisfy that nice mouth of yours? Oh god. Well I know yours will be tasty and good. Tasty and good and filling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I can't, I can't do the camera and yeah, I'm holding the camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you come. Okay. I can already feel that warm mouth. God, it's been a long time. I'm trying, I'm trying to imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so skinny. I know. He looks great. You look great. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, I've been laying off the wing stop. That's gotta be hard. That's, yeah. It is. Well, I mean, I think I told this to you off mic, but uh, it started hurting the right side of my stomach whenever I ate it. For like two or three days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So I listen to my body, I cut that out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause when I was like nine months pregnant, that's what this feels like. Cause I watch how he's moving and that's how you move when you're nine months pregnant. But I also always have to remind myself that the guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's definitely an alpha. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he's clearly an alpha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called fluorescent green. It's kind of a callback to my youth. This is what the kids wore back in the day. I wore this as a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't like it? You don't like how the green makes my face look green?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sweaters are good. So comfy. So comfy. Cozy. I hate where I wear tight shit and then, you know, it doesn't feel good all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wild! You and I have been getting into building fires though lately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause we were at dinner, we were, we went on an overnight mommy love trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And at dinner I was like, let's go back and make a fire and build the shit out of it and make it bigger. And you were like, what crazy train? Like you, I saw the look of doubt and then we got there and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, preferably in a fireplace. Can I tell you the best part about my childhood is that my dad, we used to have a fireplace and then when I was like eight years old, he would build a fire at night and then drink a lot and then pass out. And then I would get to play alone with the fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For hours and I was so young and I would just throw everything in there, you know. Yeah. Marshmallows, newspaper and just wash them. I'm really surprised I didn't burn the house down. Yeah. You know, then again, it taught me how to respect fire. It's kind of good that my parents were negligent. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the fucking best one I've ever seen, and now I wanna follow all this person's work, these people's work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also I like how they have to really draw out the dialogue. Like how stupid are the people watching this? Like how many times does she have to be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, same diff, right? Does Burt like transsexuals?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. I get it. It's a girl that's really a guy. That's why it's so exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She knows how dicks work, and I get it, I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet. Well that and so in uhm, India we did the story on where my mom's at that there's a huge, did I talk about this already on your mom's house? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In India, they're analyzing the Google searches, and a lot of men are searching for breastfeeding, like adult breastfeeding, and it's become a big thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me neither. I hated breastfeeding to begin with, but then to have your big old bearded mouth on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they talk about, the men talk about how it soothes them and it's like a ritual at the end of the day. Um, I can, I can see that how it's comforting. But like, it's a lot to just, you know, you guys can also just hold hands and watch Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's never sexual. They claim it's not sexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I just had a crazy thought. Remember last episode we were talking about the new Victoria's Secret model?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That could be somebody's kink. Of course it could be. They're only into


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because you're like, tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Like it was like in the morning, I'd just woken up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not say it like that. Yes you did. I did not. Yes you did. And A. I'm not just gonna tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's more fun for you to have to guess a bunch and then, you know. Maybe I don't want to share, actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a full person. Okie doke. Who's got a bigger mouth, you or Burt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, um, Tommy Lasorda. Lasorda from the Dodgers. Uh, you'd see him doing commercials and everyone would call him Tommy Lasagna because he was so fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, you drank, you just drank a shake for breakfast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the plug. And I love the taste of SlimFast. I drank that shit like in college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Your confirmation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This just reminds me of that show we're watching, Inventing Anna. Yeah. And she's in her, she's, the pregnant journalist goes to meet her in prison. And she goes, I have a question for you. She goes, are you pregnant or just very, very fat? And I was like, oh, I think I love this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a super fun show. I'd like to know what the true story is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Intensity and gravity. Yeah, but it always bothers me where like somebody wants to do something that we all know would be a really good idea and the boss is like, I don't think so. It bothers me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy Anthony Edwards has done so many shows and they just credited him with Revenge of the Nerds. Which is I'm sure not his proudest favorite credit. You guys, you can drop that. You can drop that. He's done so much work since then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care. I don't need you to put every dumb thing I've ever done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, as you know, we've been dedicated to the Toto Washlet 350E for quite a while now. A Washlet. And the Washlet is different than a bidet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? It's uhm, you sit down on the toilet and it's just a little thing you put the seat that you install and then it sprays your asshole with water and you just sit and you shit as you normally would. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Now, this last time I was in Miami, I got to use a real bidet. Have you ever used a real bidet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me tell you, I had such high hopes for this bidet cause I thought this is ground zero. This is the originator of everything we love. Now the problem with the bidet, number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to turn on the water and it splashed up into my face cause it goes so fucking hard. And I was like, and it was all over my hair. I got toilet water all in my hair, all on my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that the idea? That's what I don't like, is that then I have to shuffle over to a whole other apparatus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You keep your pants around your ankles, cause I was worried, like do I have to get completely naked to do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I faced with my back, I was facing with my back towards...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The plumbing or whatever, and it's so messy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's so horrible and splashes everywhere. It's just a disaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, why not just take a shower? This is like taking an asshole shower and it ruins your whole outfit, everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, so you have to switch as a woman. That's the way. See, in this way, there's settings for a woman and man. So it's so much easier. You don't have to get up, move to another apparatus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh oh, look at this. You know what this is? Best Fiends. Guess what level I'm on. 155. Bam! Bow! That's cause I love this game. And I got my, uh, my six year old into it as well. We all love it. Best Fiends. It's a mobile puzzle game that anyone can download and play. Whether you have a few minutes or a few hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best Fiends is the perfect puzzle game to lose yourself in because you're having so much fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The game features tons of cute characters that help you solve thousands of fun puzzles, and the more you play, the more characters you collect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New characters and challenging puzzles are added all the time. And there are tons of fun events where you can win huge rewards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With thousands of levels, you can literally play as long as you want and never get bored. Trust me on that. Download Best Fiends free today on the App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the R. Best Fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That kid is so you 100%. He'll be like, I gotta go poo poo. I'm like, oh, okay. And he does it just to go in there and let the water spray. He doesn't ever poo poo. He just likes the spray on his butt. He goes, am I clean? He loves it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, water everywhere, all over my hair, all over my face. It was terrible. It was terrible. It was a bad experience and I was, I had such high hopes for it. I was like, finally I get to, I get to experience how like my ancestors did, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I didn't fill the bowl with water. That's not right either, there's shit water right under your cooch, that's not smart. Position, you're squatting, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I did, and it still was just not comfortable. I was like, I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's how we're gonna have to ref- This is the whole new thing we're doing now. It's like, is she a Victoria's Secret? Are they so Victoria's Secret or what? That's so Victoria's Secret, we're gonna have to start saying that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Good thing they did it by that lake. That was pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That reminds me of the time I was with the kids and I have one of those long burning logs that you use like the starter logs. And I threw a heavy log on top of the dura flame and it went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did you play that? Why did you play that? Take that out. That was terrible. Take that out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that was okay. I mean, I don't like seeing her do a- watching her back break on the rim of the trampoline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you laugh every time. You are so mentally ill. The only funny though, the truly funny one I loved is when that 70 world was being rescued from the helicopter and started spinning really fast. That was a good one. Cause you know they were okay. It just didn't feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this morning, on uh, on uh, was it Instagram or TikTok, I found this thing of like five awful things that have existed before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in New Jersey in 1986, they built a water slide at this water park.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they're like, we realize that not all body types could get the momentum going to make it through the entire loop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's New Jersey, loop de loop. Oh, you're going fighter jet. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's scary. But uhm, but it just goes to show, like, you trust that these amusement parks, amuse, these are amusement parks. This wasn't just like some crazy gypsy set up, uh, you know, by the freeway thing. It was a legitimate park. Yeah. That they are protecting you. They're not, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what happened was too, is that they discovered that people were getting stuck in the loopty loop. Certain body types couldn't make it. Certain body types. That's what they said in the article or whatever. And so they built an escape hatch at the bottom so they could just like plop your body out. Cause people were getting stuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, speaking of fucking, uh, Russian shit, back in Budapest, I used to go to, uh, what's called Vidam Park, it's like the one amusement park in Budapest, and it's all done like during the Russia-Soviet era.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so good. There was a roller coaster. Oh, yeah. It was called Vidam, I think. V-I-D-A-M. Anyway, there was one roller coaster. It's probably better now. Yeah, there it is. Vidam Park. See? V-I-D-A-M Park. There was one roller coaster. It doesn't even stop to let you on. It just slows down. And then, and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean you realize it, it's just humans building this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, and, and like Texas has wild shit like that too. Where they're like, well, right at your own risk. I've heard stories of them having like, you know, slides or whatever shit. They don't care. If you die on it, it's your problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it when a woman freaks out. It's so special when we have women doing it. It just hits different as the kids say. It does, it does hit different. I enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They never sue. They're usually the brokeest motherfuckers too. They have no idea how much a lawsuit costs to file. They never sue. It's so expensive. You're not gonna do it, trust me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's never filed a suit. It's so expensive to go after somebody. You ruin yourself more than you do the other person usually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. What could you possibly be this angry about at the McDonald's drive-thru? Cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Every time I see McDonald's though, I want to eat it. But seriously, like don't, I just see the colors and I get like, I want to eat it. There's something in that shit, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So good. You're right, once they turn cold, they smell like garbage too in your car. It smells like shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds fucking amazing. But the problem is, is that you feel sick immediately after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I like that. Like I can eat as much Taco Bell as I want. Did the last time I ate Taco Bell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like 2010, was Madison, Wisconsin. I drank all this red wine and then I went to Taco Bell and I ate a fuckload of Taco Bell at like two in the morning. I've never felt that sick in my entire life. So gross. A stomach full of red wine and Taco Bell. It was vile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't make me shit though. What? I don't caca from it. I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chipotopoly too, uh, no sorry, Chipotle makes me shit. Violently. McDonald's doesn't make me shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't affect, it makes me feel nauseous after I eat it, but it's worth it because it tastes so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had their apple pie though, I talked about this before. It sucks dick now. It's not, it's not that good fried shit. It's like all healthy and it's bullshit. I like that styrofoam in the hot grease kind. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember when I was pregnant with Ellis, there's three things I was always eating. Carl's Jr., the western bacon cheeseburger, extra onion rings, extra barbecue sauce. I would pull over and eat it in the parking lot. That's three times a week, twice a week, in and out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, doubles, double meat patties, animal style, fries. That was the other, that was two days a week. And then at 11 o'clock, this is before we, this is when I was pregnant with the first, remember I'd make you drive me to McDonald's and I would eat a hot fudge sundae at like 11 o'clock at night. Yep. And I'd be like, yeah, I'll get one too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So worth it though, fucking worth it. I ate exactly how I wanted to. And then later they're like, your cholesterol is a little high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If saving more and spending less is one of your top goals for 2022, why are you still paying insane amounts of money every month for wireless?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so easy. It's so convenient. It's, the service is fantastic. And why, why are you paying more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and keep your same phone number along with all your existing contacts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get your new wireless plan for just $15 a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free, go to mintmobile.com slash mom. That's mintmobile.com slash mom. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, I was just saying, when you were pissing, is that I feel so much better with Josh Zollo here. I feel like the alchemy of this, this team is back. You know? Like I felt, I, I, I feel settled now knowing that like all of our, our Victoria's Secret children are under one roof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel better that everybody's here under one roof now. And we have new additions, we have, you know, Chad is here, he's smarter than Chris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chad reads, uh, heavy books too on the weekend. Like he's a reader. He's smart. He's from academia. Shouldn't be here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But I like, I missed, I didn't realize how much I missed having Josh Zolo around. Just feeling his energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alaska, a lot of drunks, a lot of angry drunk guys beating the women up there. I remember that when I did Anchorage. When can I go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're nice people generally. You did Anchorage? Oh, a million years ago. I did Anchorage, Alaska before we had children in, in a January. And it was, you know, 10 in the morning and the sun had not come out yet and people were going to church. It was fucking, it was cold. Let me try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that, Tom, it's a bucket list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, not worth it. Well, I wouldn't make it a trip then. It's beautiful. It's really pretty. The weather's kind of a bear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's true, and they, uhm, they pay people to live there, because the climate is so rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I was going to tell you, when I was in Miami, I saw so many Hasidic Jews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but there was like the guys with the curly queues walking around with the whole outfits and the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The wives at the pool. What do they call the curly Q's? They call them payas. The payas? Yea, like the real, real J stuff, you know what I mean? Yea, yea. Not like poser Jews, but real Jews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I do love an afternoon storm time. I'm excited for those come summertime here in Texas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking like Miami or Alaska. There's your camera, watch your toe. Okay, I got it. Listen, acidic juice. Thank you for listening. I'm not gonna tell them how to dress. Okay. Guys, I'm doing stand-up comedy. Holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] April 1st and 2nd, okay. And then I, uhm, Austin, stateside at Paramount, I'm part of the Moon Tower Festival April 13th, May 3rd, one night only at the Regent Theater in Los Angeles. I'm coming back. I'm coming back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. May 6th and 7th, and then Spermvine, California, May 20th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found a new show on the Disney Channel. I was watching with the kids. This fucking psycho pulls snakes like pythons out of their holes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, this is Australia's most venomous snake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God. This is the, the crown jewel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he's a Disney channel, it's not on Disney, it's on Disney Plus. Oh. And it's a guy in Australia, I wish I could remember the name. Is that Discovery? No, it's on Disney Plus. Snake guy. Snake guy. He's Australian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out of his mind. He's a true, like, outback guy. You can tell he just grew up. Yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And these make me smile 99% of the time.


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[Assistant] Um, but what I like about this in particular is that it's, um, an older person figuring out a fun thing to do on TikTok. It's like an older immigrant lady, which is always better than just like cute little white chicks. So I like that element too. That's pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This person's figuring out TikTok. Not sure what to make of it. I guess I'll post this. I guess I'll put my glasses on first and then post.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's rare. Hard to find, actually. These, like, is this my first time on TikTok? Kind of hard and special. I wish you'd give me a little credit. It's hard to find these first-timer ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's that account, look at this Russian. Have you seen that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's see where that's from. There's an Instagram account called LookAtThisRussian. Have you seen that? It's so funny.


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[Assistant] Who knew that? That's pretty. Chad? Zilla?


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[Assistant] But can I tell you what Josh is really smart at? He's very resourceful. Like he knows how to get the answer if he doesn't know the answer and quick.


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[Assistant] But $87 on Candy Crush, it's, that's a lot. Cause when you think about the buys, it's like 99 cents, maybe $1.99, maybe, to go to $89 on Candy Crush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was my whole day. It was the most depressing time of my life. Like I wake up at 11, start the puzzle bobble, wait until Roger Lodge came on at 6.30 and then like watch more TV and do it all over again. This was when? After I graduated from college, I was like 22 or 23.


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[Assistant] None. And I was unemployed. I was just trying to figure shit out. I was so depressed.


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[Assistant] That was the thing I did and just like smoke cigarettes and play puzzle ball. It was the stupidest thing.


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[Assistant] No, cause he thinks he's into like shamanistic, what is it, like Indian, but not like a Native American, like he thinks he's a Native American shaman or something? Is that what he says?


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[Assistant] I bet it's the coccyx tailbone or whatever.


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[Assistant] He's lost weight. He looks great. It's all just losing weight. Yeah, you look really good.


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[Assistant] Of course. These urine therapy people, they're always proselytizing. What a great thing this is to drink your own pee.


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[Assistant] Well, go back to the first one. You really enjoyed that first one again. Remember the first one?


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[Assistant] It's like just some random comment or like, you don't even know this person.


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[Assistant] Like, I mean, she's basically doing the Chris shout out.


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[Assistant] And the uh, you can see in the background the opulence, the wealth, you're just like, and she knows what she's doing, like she framed herself up next to the vase, next to the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they're, they're all sweet as shit, I'm sure. Like they're, they're never, but you're just like, can you imagine how?


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[Assistant] What it's like to be her. I'm just saying like, you've been famous your whole existence and your brother was.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so you're not, what they're saying, this is an etiquette. I know you like the informative talks. So it's an etiquette talk. You're not supposed to take the whole slice of bread, butter the whole slice, and then chop. You're supposed to take a slab of butter, put the butter on your tiny plate, break off a pret, and then dip, like, do it like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think yeaah, this was always- But it's good to know.


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[Assistant] It is. My mother was always a stickler on this, on the butter bread etiquette. And, but it's so, to me it seems more disgusting to rip off a piece, touch it, you're touching it more with your dirty hands.


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[Assistant] We usually use a fork and a knife. So for a westerner to grab the thing and shred it and then you're touching the bread and the thing, it's like...


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[Assistant] No, uhm, the worst is fondue. Have you ever had fondue?


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[Assistant] That's a waste too, cause then they get you to order like, do you want chicken and veggies? Meanwhile, you're not gonna make it past dipping the bread in the cheese. That's all you're fucking there for is dipping bread in cheese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was cool though, right? He fended off two wolves in Tibet.


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[Assistant] Okay, and do they tell you stuff like when you go to bed at night you have to put all the food in the trees so that the bears don't come and take the food?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they told them, they taught you how to wolf call so that you can beckon the wolves.


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[Assistant] Remember that lady that let wolves lick her mouth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we're talking, uh, face? I mean, hold on, let me go back to it.


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[Assistant] Uh, no, I'm not active enough to get jock itch.


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[Assistant] I mean, like, uh, back when, uh, back when I was growing up, my brother taught me a trick, where if anything's itchy down there, just pour aftershave on there. And it stings a lot at first, but it's rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, I was like, like bro, I have a chafed asshole, what do I do with this? He's like, just pour aftershave on it. And I would, and it would move you to tears for the first couple minutes, but then, it's all gone.


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[Assistant] Oh wow. I've always wanted that. Good boy treats. Good boys get treats.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you say it all the time. Yeah, that's cause that's true. He's like, okay.


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[Assistant] Uh, uh, uh, uh, guys never know how much I love it.


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[Assistant] She looks like milky and fertile and fun and she eats, she eats. She's fun.


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[Assistant] Forget about sex. Get to know somebody first.


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[Assistant] You're showing your maybe whatever and you're showing your milkies.


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[Assistant] And that is what makes the other stuff okay.


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[Assistant] I just want one who'll stand by my side like a guy. Be a friend.


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[Assistant] Be loyal. I will be to you. But other than that, don't fucking hit me up thinking I want sex. Fuck that, I'm done. I haven't had sex in five fucking years. Alright guys, and I don't care. I can do it my fucking self.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I got, I think I got one wrong. Wow. But the rest of them, you had. Really strong. Okay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. I talked to a lot of doctors and they were like, don't do it, it's the worst.


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[Assistant] Really? It's a tough life. Yeah, they're like, I hate it. They're like, I don't get to pick my hours. They're like, I make like, okay money. Yeah. I was like, cool, I'll go work at a podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I mean, like, if you're gonna go, if you've made your mind up that you're gonna be pre-med, like, you've tried a lot in school. Yeah. So I did that. I took a lot of classes. Uh, did all the AP stuff, and then I got to college. Uh, and just decided it really wasn't for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think like after two years I was like, I don't want to cut bodies open, I don't want to do that thing. Uh, and then I decided I was going to be a physical therapist, and I worked with a bunch of those, and they were all miserable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then at that point I was like, maybe I'll go into like business or something, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They said, you know, you're gonna need an extra year or two. You know, I got a ton of student loans. I was like, I'm not doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's right. Definitely west, yeaah. Coastal thing. So what was your ACT? That was 33.


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[Assistant] Honestly, it's been a little bit more quiet. I think, uh, you know, Chris has taken a couple to the chin. And, uh, and he's not really running his mouth anymore. But I'm sick and tired of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you my queen. Time to get up, time to put them feet on the ground, let's take off running.


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[Assistant] It is gonna be a beautiful Wednesday morning. I hope you're having a wonderful day and just remember that King loves you. King will always love my Queen.


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[Assistant] I'm counting on the King's army to rise and take care of that Christina P.


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[Assistant] Alright, a lady police officer. What do you prefer, a lady police officer or a WPC? Just police officer, sir. Oh, is it? Yep. I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, why is it then, if that's the case, this gentleman here has got a different hat to you.


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[Assistant] Stunt. No, I'm not stumped. And that's the point. Don't choose to answer your questions. Oh, I prefer WPC because I believe in differences. I'm looking at used to. There's differences. It's held by the hats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude or anything. This is what I do. I talk to police officers. You know? Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I'd like to see your hat on this officer's head. How about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel sorry for you, actually. Because if you weren't in uniform, you'd have a lot to say. And probably you as well.