[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I get off the swim and I get out first hundred meters and like halfway in I look out and I'm like number four. I'm like I'm fucking leading this triathlon and I'm like holy shit and I'm looking I'm like pay checking and everyone's going in the total wrong fucking direction like they're all swimming wide and I'm like I'm like I'm gonna fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to lead this and then I start going, I know I can do this swim. I'm going to fucking lead this triathlon. I get to the buoy and I cut real tight on the buoy and I do this move I'd only seen on, uh, online. I'd never tried it before, but it's like a swim where you like kind of flip over your body and swim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so you take your thing and then you flip on your back and so it's a way to turn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As soon as I did it, this Chinese guy jumped on my stomach, sunk me underwater and dove over me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're fucking, it's a race. They're fucking racing and I'm in the way and they're climbing over me and they're punching me like, and I start getting drowned. I'm literally drowning. I'm in like probably a hundred feet of water. I'm a hundred yards out and I still have 300 yards to swim back in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I almost waved over one of the guys on the surfboard like, I think I'm dying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No questions asked. And the bike is the easiest. Bike is a cakewalk. Not a cakewalk, but like, like an idiot. Once again, I get on the bike and I got a, I bought a really expensive bike. Of course you did. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like a British guy and he's like, you know, we can, uh, you know, if we can do like micro carbon or whatever, and it'll take like a pound off this and I go, yeah, yeah, let's shave as much weight off the bike as we can. And then he looked at me and he goes, or you could ride the bike a little bit and lose like 10 pounds and it'll even be lighter. It's like, oh yeah, that's right. Cause I, but I get on the bike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get up there and I was like, yeah, I'm here for register for the triathlon. And they're like, Oh, are you in our Clydesdale division? I went, excuse me? It's for fat people. They call them Clydesdales.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, no. And so I was by far the fattest person there. There's, like, without a doubt, and my fucking swimsuit did not fit right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't even make double XL triathlon suits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because no one does it. I mean they do, you have to get them special ordered though. So fucking hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I don't look fat as fuck, and she's like, I was really hard to kind of get one of those. I get on the bike, I start blowing past everybody, and then we get to this uphill, and the uphill's by this prison, and everyone I pass just fucking flies past me. Then we get to this downhill at the top of the prison, and I start going. Now on my watch, it tells you how fast you're going. I'm going like fucking 35 miles per hour. I'm hauling ass with my bike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flying past people going, why are they going so slow? There's a cop going, SHARP TURN! SHARP TURN! I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I really was unprepared for this fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The running, the first mile is almost, you feel like your body, remember when we go to Barry's bootcamp and you get off and you do tests and then you get on the thing, you're like, my body's not working. It was like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the second mile, you start feeling good, and then at the end of the second mile, you're like, oh, I'm almost done. I'm almost done with the whole fucking day. And then I, yeah, but then I got to this, and it's hot as shit out there, and we ran through all these Mexican families grilling out. We ran through a park. So these Mexican families are like staring at us, like all these white people jogging in ridiculous outfits. And what did you eat after?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't eat poorly. I went home. Yeah. I ate good because I'd learned my, I, I got a nutritionist from the mayor, from men's health. Yeah. This girl, Cynthia, she's awesome. And she got me on a pretty strict diet. I wasn't boozing. I didn't, I haven't drank for like a month almost. I drank this weekend though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got pissed about the wiping, drying my bed on the ass. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely do. I get out of the shower and I, I just go and I, I put a little, like pinch a little volcano out of the comforter and I just sit on it and dry my asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I had one in Singapore when I was doing the Australian tour. I got one in Singapore and I thought I had ass cancer. It hurt so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to have a joke about, but only you have to, it's very specific. It's my impression of, of suppository. No, no, no, no, no. I'll take it from here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes my family gangs up on me. Like the other night, we're at dinner and George is like, you're definitely a misogynist. I'm like, no, I'm not. And Leanne's like, yeah, we actually were talking about it. You are. I go, excuse me. And then George says, we don't, we don't like the way you talk to Alexa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my fault, the pool lights are on, Bert. I immediately, the very next week, I made that joke better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Philly. That, that, uh, that was the entire second show. There's so many things that happened that were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know what's so funny is, I've got jokes now that I, in my new hour, that I am so much more proud of than in that hour, and I wanna, I wanna do them now. I wanna get them out. You know, like I'm afraid that people are gonna come up with these jokes before me. You know, like you ever get like antsy with material? Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was telling, I was talking to Whitney, I ran into Whitney Cummings on the plane the other day, and I was like, oh, like, if I had had, I think if I had had three more months to work on material in that special, I probably would have gotten completely bored of it. Like, like, there's a certain, there's a sweet spot on when you're still passionate about the material. That is 100% true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was perfect. The ziplining story was like right at the port part, like I cannot tell that story now. I can't tell the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You know what I mean? What's interesting is the, the uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This time travel story in there, I had tried to slide in, I had tried to slide an iteration of that into my, my Showtime special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish we could go on tour together. I'm tired of going by myself. Will that ever happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can do gigs together, probably not tours. I know, but like I wanna go, like I always look at like, it seems like Dave Chappelle, all he does is go and see comics. Like he's like, he's at Michelle Wolf's show, he's at Amy's show, he's at Chris Rock's show, or either that or they all tour together, I guess? He puts together


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many, what's the perfect amount of shows to tape? Cause he taped like nine in DC. That's way too many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you figure, if you did nine shows, you'd definitely have an amazing special. I'd say four. Four I think is four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would four, and it's like if I didn't get it in four, I'm not gonna get it. When I did this one, the first show, I fucking sucked. I taped two shows, I taped two, and the first one sucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's good. He did it. He did it in the Wilbur.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are we, are me and you out at the same time? Yes. Did you, you took a look at my schedule? I did. Are we, we're not overlapping, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I have a bit, I have a bit with the M word in it that is the funniest bit I have. And I can't tell it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? I can't tell it because it's not perfect. It's not perfect, and in order to make it a perfect bit, I'd have to do it on stage, and in order to make it perfect, I would have to say the n-word 150 times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so fucking funny. It's the fun, it's the funniest fucking bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, if I figure it out, I'll tell it. I can't, the n-word has to be said in this story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has to be said in the story, and it's not even me saying it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead. No, in order to make it good, I'd have to say the word non-stop. Yeah, but you're not saying it, you're saying someone else says it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Are you gonna do it? You wanna hear it? Yes. It's a good story. Okay. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so trigger warning, if you get upset by words, obviously, stop listening. So uhm, so, when I was, I used to work at Safe Escort, at the what? Safe Escort at Florida State, I used to walk girls across campus. Oh, that's nice. That's what I did for a job in college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So feel free to come in and have a drink. And I was like, all right. So I smoke a little weed. I get in my, I was driving my sister's blue convertible Ford Mustang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I put in some fish back then, put my hair in a ponytail, and I head over to Chris Carter's, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I pull up, and it's a massive fucking party. I mean, I went to school at Florida State, and I knew a lot of people in college, but I don't know one person at this party. I pull in this, in this, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I can't even find a spot to park and I'm bumping into people, like, with my car to get through the party and people are getting pissed and I'm like, fuck it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except it's for FamU, it's all black, right? So I pull and I'm like, shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, by the way, this is 1994, 93, 94. This is right around the time with the Rodney King and Reginald Denny and race relations in the south aren't awesome. By the way, it's Tallahassee, it's a segregated city pretty much. So I pull in and I'm thinking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't get back, I can't turn around and get back out, I'm gonna have to go through this party and it's fucking ra- it's equally as big. And I'm bumping into people and I can see people like, fucking, Jesus Christ, and I'm like, I'm sorry, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I get into the dead center of the party and the car in front of me stops. Doors open and they disappear. And now I'm sitting in there in a convertible listening to fish. I'm high. I'm starting to, I'm starting to get like panicky. Now I get high and start overthinking things. And a black guy just starts staring at me. Like, and I could feel him staring at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, not even looking, just looking straight ahead. And he's like, Hey white boy, you scared? And I don't say anything. I don't even reply to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, white boy, I'm talking to you. Look at me when I speak to you. And I kind of look over and he goes, oh, you are scared, aren't you? And I'm thinking, I'm about to get knocked the fuck out. And I'm like, no, I'm not scared at all. And he leans on my car, like right where the window is, leans on it. He goes, well, tell me if you're scared now, motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to say it 150 times to get the bit perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, I have to do it. The bit doesn't have a great ending, so it would need a better ending. Like the, and it's just, it was just the funniest thing that ever fucking happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it, and I love that he's worried about my health. Clearly with an open sore on his mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ran into the guy that made us barbecue, do you remember that guy? Yeaah. I ran into him at the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy when you know someone through the internet and then you run into them and they're like, Oh, hey, I'm, uh, no sesquihana. And you're like, Oh, I know you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the best one. I've always said how come my, like, I feel like we share fans, but you guys got all the autistic ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love when people come up and they're like, uh, at the end of the show and they, they, one, they want you to know that, I love you on, uh, your mom's house. I was like, oh yeah. And they're like, I don't really listen to your podcast that much. And I was like, oh cool. Thanks. Yeah, but thanks a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Dude, my favorite joke on your last special, I don't know if it was on your last special, but is someone going, you know, I figured if Tom can do it, I can do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like, I can't, I don't really listen a hundred percent. Like I mean, I just tap out a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only because the one thing I cannot stand and it happens so much to me is uhm, people slapping me on the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're shirtless? Yes, and because so many people, like, and I spend the majority of the time when I do my meet and greets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and I never can see it coming. And then the guys you think it will be, they never do it. It's some guy who didn't fucking see it. It's always a real hard firm handshake. They pull you in tight and smack you on the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, and I do all my meet and greet shirtless. I had a guy in Spokane who came in, he's like, shirts off? I was like, yeah, of course. And then I grab him, I go, wow, you're really hot. And he's like, I got a pretty bad fever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I had the one thing I love when girls take their shirt off. That happens a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had a few bra-less. I've had a few bra- I've had- I've had a lot more bra-less than brawd. And then, uh, girls always wanna lick my nipples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had these lesbians in DC, this is right when Me Too was coming out, and uh, they came up and they're like, we haven't played with a dick in a long time. And I was like, oh, and they all, just to take pictures, and then they all kept playing with my dick, like grabbing my dick, and I was like, hey, easy ladies, and then, but they just wouldn't, it was four of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it got so aggressive that people in line were uncomfortable with it, but I was cool with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I've, I get critiques from Tom. They're always like, in Columbus this weekend, they're like, Tom wouldn't do a meet and greet with us. And I was like, yeah, I was like, yeah, I know, he's smart. I'm the one that's sitting out here shaking, I must've shaken 200 hands after every fucking show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I think I've been, I've had a head cold for this whole fucking year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's allergies, I get it as soon as I come back to LA, my sinuses tighten up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I was started doing it. Now I can't stop doing it because I've already started doing it. And so when I didn't do a meet and greet for the Wilbur show and people were fucking irate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And Leanne was like, there's people out there that they were like, she's like, I think you really should go out there. And I was like, I can't. There's 1200 people out there. I can't go out. And we're doing a second show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then people are like, if I knew he wasn't going to do a meet and greet, I wouldn't even come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, wait, what? And like, cause a lot of people make like posters or bring stuff for me to have. And so, you know, and then everyone wants to tell me like their version of like, oh, me and my buddy are just like you and Tom. We buy, we bust balls and yeah, I'm the drunk one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did it, when we did those theaters, I would go out, they were being, they would be waiting in the, in the alleys, like behind things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I stopped doing shots with fans. Really a good idea. Yea, really good idea. I mean, it was getting aggressive, and then now I just go, I can't do shots. And people are like, seriously? And then inevitably, they fucking monster down whatever shot they bought for me, for themselves, and then I'm like, you're gonna be sick. Like, but there's no fun in this. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't drink. I think I get a bigger like payoff. I think people think I am drunk all the time. Like I don't drink on stage, but I will bring a drink on stage with me, but I don't really drink on stage because I'm talking the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I only really drink, if I am gonna drink, I drink it at like the 55 minute mark on the second show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause then you're gonna, you're almost done. Well I gotta tell the machine story and I'll pound it. And I'll be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never got any fuckin' feedback, no one ever listened to my- ooh, that's in between my toes, I can't turn me on. Uhm, I never- when I wrote that, the ballad of Big Tommy Buns, no one ever fuckin' listened to that. Really? Yeah, no one, I put it up online, it was like 30,000 views, nothing. That's a lot. No, not a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wrote the N-word, uh, in my book. Uh-huh. And, uh- Oh, this is great. Yeah, and I was like- and I got to the part where I was gonna read it, and I was like- I was like, I can't say the word on my- on an audiobook that's gonna like- I don't wanna go down in history that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, yeaah, anything man. As we came over to the studio, I was like, uh, here you go, just say that word. He was like, what word? I was like, the M word. And he goes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just called me over to say the M word and I was like, yeah, can you do it? And he was like, he's like, yeah, sure. And he did it. And I said, can you do it? You're doing it like too much, like a black guy. Can you do it like a white guy? And he was like, why don't you show me how it's supposed to be done?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first time, do you remember the first time you ever heard damn word?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My parents never said it. First time I ever heard it. I was in first grade, I was in that neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, there was a bunch of black kids that- First grade is young. First grade is really young. Yeah. First grade, bunch of black kids coming to our neighborhood to play us some football and they have my football. I had a Duke junior and I knew it was mine because-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We used to play in the street, so the laces would all run out. And my dad had relaced it with a shoelace. With a tan shoelace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they had my football, we lost my football, they had my football. And the two redneck guys, one guy that was fingering to grow under the tree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say you gotta fight him for your football. But the kids were older and one of the brothers, I forget their names, Daryl and Darren, I think, goes, I'll fight him. And they started fighting in Daryl and Darren's front yard. And Daryl and Darren's dad came out and started chanting, fight, fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're doing white. White don't win, we all jump in. Woah. And put his arm on me. I've heard that rhyme. Put his arm on me and said, he's fighting for you, you can it. Oh my god. I was in first grade, I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I remember, and then, and then I heard it, I'd never heard it, it wasn't used a lot in high school. I'd never heard it in high school, but like it would be said, but we had a black friend, but I would hear the word, but it wasn't like, it wasn't like used. And then when I went to college, it was used a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, that word flew around a lot. But racial tensions were kind of fucked up back then. But here's the crazy thing, and I said this to, I said this to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I, I said maybe I did this in a bit one time, but it used to be, the n-word was used in like phraseology all the time in the south.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it was used as a verb, almost like in conjunction with a verb. What do you mean? So like, I'll just tell you the bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, the, uh, when Leanne worked at the apartment building, this is a, I mean this is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once again, I'm just telling all the bits that I would never tell on stage. Yeah. But this is Florida for you. Uhm, when we at Leanne worked at the apartment building there, the, uh, we had a black guy that used to be, it was our maintenance man, his name was Antonio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I knew him really well. He used to come by and watch Monday Night Football at our place. And one morning I'm looking, I'm getting, taking the girls in the elevator and there's a note on the elevator door and I'm reading it like by the buttons. And as I'm reading it, Antonio walks in, he sees I'm reading it and he goes, oh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as you know, like pointing to the note, so as you know, some kids in the neighborhood, he's gonna get in a little ding dong and ditch. I was like, what? He's like, some kids in the neighborhood. I was like, what the fuck's that? And he's like, ding dong and ditch. You never played ding dong and ditch when you were a kid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I don't think I did. He's like, you go up, knock on motherfuckers door, bail out, motherfucker come out, you see him come out, you fall out laughing. I was like, oh yea, we did that as a kid. He's like, what did you call it? I was like, nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's in the south, and I was like, oh my god, like, I'd never, I never called it that, but, but that's what I knew it was, I never really did it. I don't know what kind of fucking lunatic Noxledor runs away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really racist. Jesus. Oh dude, that's, by the way, in the south, that's not even, I mean, that's just, that's like the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The MWR was involved in anything when I was living in that neighborhood. That was what it was called. Like everything. Everything. I mean, it just was included in everything. That's why I was like, I joke around about political correctness. I'm cool with a little bit of political correctness about changing, you know, if you just take, cause I don't think, there were people that didn't even know that was offensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I bet there's still people in the South that go out, that's like Brazil nuts. Yeah. You ever heard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, I mean, I'm just saying, you can Google this online, but it's, they're called n-word toes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, then, it's so funny, one time we were at dinner with our friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so funny is I was at dinner with someone and Leanna grew up in Georgia, she knew about this too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like rural Georgia, right? Oh, like 1200 people. So she, she was like, I mean, when I met her, I went down south. People were using that word all the time. Still, in like 2004 when I was, we were dating. Really? Yeah. Oh yeah. And so I said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leanne and I were at dinner one time with a couple from Kansas, and they had never heard that the N-word would be associated with, in a phraseology like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And so it would be replaced and to, and they had never heard it. And I was like, are you being serious? And then I was like to Leanna, I was like, wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We grew up in the south, but we weren't racist, but we definitely heard it. You never heard it? And they're like, no. So I go online on this guy's computer right at their house and I Google it and I go, here you go. And I pull up this website and it's got all of them. It's got them all listed. And I'm reading through them to him and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God. Yea, I don't know man, race was weird in Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. Growing up I always thought I was Cuban. Like I always felt Cuban.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt Cuban. Like I remember going to Spain and being able to talk Spanish. And then I just to tell people I was Cuban. They're like, you're not fucking Cuban. I was like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever, do you ever shit? I was saying this on stage the other day and I didn't realize that no one does this. Do you ever shit and then it splashes up and hits up under the toilet seat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I shit in the ocean though one time. Like this? No, I took a shit, I took a, we were at a Catalina and we were at a secluded beach and I thought I know it was there and I went out and I took a shit in the ocean. My buddy Cory was watching and I shit, we used to do it all the time in Florida, and I shit in the ocean and then I got out and I could see it floating around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Your dick gets numb to it. My dick's like a thumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You like how I picked the smallest finger? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Ila's, I, no, neither, no, they're, both the girls are kinda tame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's not as dirty as you'd think. They both shit at the same time during the day. They both shit at four in the afternoon. It's just weird that they would, they won't shit anywhere other than their house. They don't like shitting anywhere else. I love shitting in strange places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love shitting in like a Burger King. You do? Ohhh. I love shitting in a strange place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I wish they would be a sponsor to the podcast. This changed my life. I don't have hemorrhoids anymore because of it. Cause it just sprays your asshole. I remember the first time I ever had those in Japan. That was when I first ever used one of those ones in Japan. I love it. I took a shit so bad in Japan, this guy next to me threw up one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's nice. I was just telling someone the worst I've ever shit my pants was tennis camp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to, uh, I was playing this Indian kid, and I had to shit really bad, and I was like, oh my god, so I just threw the set like I lost, ran to the men's locker room, and as soon as I went to go get there, it was already kinda coming out, and I shit inside my pants, inside my underwear, on the tail of my shirt, and in my socks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, and I sat in it. I like I shit and I sat in it. And I had to get rid of all my clothes. I had to break into a man's locker and get clothes to wear because I didn't have any. They were all covered in shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I shit in the morning. I drink a big glass of water and I just shit. But I, I have, my shit's come out like, like fucking, like shotguns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's almost comes out all at once, just and I, I get it to the point where it's like, okay, we're building, we're building, we're building and then right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your thyroid is? Yea, I think I have like an overact or an inactive thyroid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, uh, I don't know, I, I, I mean, I, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Conference starts at 7.30 in the morning. I wake up, I'm like, oh fuck, I make a cup of coffee, I grab two diet cokes, go to the parent-teacher conference, kill the coffee before the conference even starts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one knew. No one knew. No one knew. As soon as the beer tasted the beer, I went, oh my god, I have a fucking beer. Like I didn't realize I had a beer. I thought it was a Diet Coke. And I just had to murder it because I couldn't like take a sip and then put it on the counter. I just had to kill it and then put it in my pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, one time my mom, me, my mom, my, me, both girls, Leanne, my mom and my dad, are in San Francisco, we're going across, not, is it the Golden Grape Bridge that has two stories to it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it that we're going over that bridge? The bay bridge. The bay bridge. And my mom is, we had been at an amusement park, I was shooting Birth to Conquer. And my mom is motion sick, she goes, oh my god, I think I'm gonna throw up. I think I'm gonna throw up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're both consenting adults, if, if, uh, it comes down to it, you know, it's just like the gays, they're, they're, you know, as long as they're over 18, everything's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we are, Jean. Meow. Uh, we got a guest coming up, should be very fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I'm very excited that she's joining us. It's been a long time since I've seen Allison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And even now, some people will be like, hey, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tweeted you about doing your show. I'm like, what are you fucking 14? I know. Like dude, send me a text or email me. I'm not booking you from a fucking tweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. I guess some people do. And also, if you, if you have something to send to the show, don't fucking Facebook it. Some people are like, oh, I sent you a link, you never played it. I'm like, where'd you send it? I sent it to you on Facebook. I'm like, dude, I've said it a hundred times on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Send it to the Gmail. We don't go off of Facebook. No. I don't play stuff from tweets. It's just the email account. That's it. Your mom's podcast at Gmail. There's no house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's no house in the email address. Your Moms Podcast at Gmail. Send it there. If you have a link, if you have an instrumental, if you have a song you made, that's where we, that's what we check. All the other shit, I don't, I don't check it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't fucks with Lincolndon. No way. Not happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. I think so. Right? That looks funny to me. We can never get these fucking things locked off right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course I had to watch and thought you two would enjoy. Love the Pomcast. I constantly laugh out loud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever talk about that with your stepdad? Is that how this came up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I remember we were talking about public shitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he was leaning over a ledge to try to see something, you know? Like someone was like, look down there and you just lean. That's how he was shitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's popping right now. That place is, that's where it's at, but it's not our lifestyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're literally, they've priced people out of town. You guys don't know if you don't know LA well, but they used to be such an undesirable place to live and not even a long time ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean we're talking in the last decade, downtown has completely changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all the homeless were most, you would see them the most in the toy district, which I always thought was so ironic, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where we make toys for little kids and you see like guys walking naked across the street. It's still, it's still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it is terrifying. But southwest downtown is really nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My family comes from a line of high, strong performing public defecators.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were lounging and we were about to order, it was like around lunch time, like let's get some lunch. What should we get? And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you said, I really feel like getting some Thai food. And I just go, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you said open defecation was coming if we had ordered, so. I was like, we can order from somewhere else, and you're like, no, they're dirty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then the next move was, uhm, I go, alright, what do I want? And I was like, I want something. I want meat. I had a steak, you know, the night before and probably two nights. I just want something different. I go, oh, let's do some barbecue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I bring up one spot, and you're like, nah, that place is open defecation. So, then we settle on another place, and I'm doing it through the app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I start unloading the bag on the table and you're like, woah, this really is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we start unloading it. It's way too much food. I mean, it is way too much food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They look like dinosaur ribs. They were so enormous. Yeaah. And they had candied, like, a finish on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. It's too rich. It was just overwhelming. And it was also, I think it was good, but it was too sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing, we took shits, the shits smelled like barbecue, the burps, every burp, I peed last night and my pee smelled like barbecue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it infiltrated every orifice and system in my body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're dick tips. What they do is they, they, cause they use a whole cow or hog when they make this and they saute their dicks and they cut off the tips and they make burnt ends. That's what a dick tip is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else? Oh, corn? We had corn on the cob? It was too much. Well anyways, we had fucking so many leftovers. Tried to offer them up to people and I was trying to give them to neighbors and they were like, no thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, there's some meals like that where you go, I'm gonna have that, I had that and I'm good now for months. I don't wanna. I can't. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched it on the flight to shoot, the very first flight there. Okay. Cause I have, the way that the movie is set up is, it's a drop, I'm on a drop pick up schedule it's called, where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shoot for a week, then I have a few days off, then I go back and I shoot, and then I have a few days off, so it's back and forth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, for the scenes. So uhm, cause they literally take every ounce out of me, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I have time off, so, but back and forth. So anyways, on my flight there...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Octavia Spencer who's in Shape of Water is in this movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come by later for like, some acting tips. And they were like, ahhhhhh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy, Michael Shannon plays, uh, Richard, the, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember him, he played that, uh, that killer, uhm, the Iceman, Richard Kuklinski. Of course, you remember that? He played that. Okay. There's that movie, the Iceman, see? Yup, there you go, that's Tom's favorite. I remember that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's somebody you've seen a hundred times. He's always a creeper. Yeah, he's a good creeper. God damn. He's got a real, he's got a real serious creeper look to him. Like his eyes look like, you know? Yeah. That he looks like he's, he means fucking... Look at him. That guy's gonna, that guy's gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was watching the movie and I was, I was definitely laughing. Again, I'm on the flight watching it. And I'm laughing at some of the stuff. But then there's a part in the movie where, so I call you, I tell you I saw the movie, I tell you it's a good movie. And I go, I lost my shit. Like I really laughed hysterically. Like remember last week or a few weeks ago when,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, uh, Blue Band made me laugh so hard with his labeling the file.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So I'm sitting there laughing so hard and I tell you this and you go, oh, I'm going to watch it and I bet you I can guess. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anyway, and then it was so fun because I would wake up and I would be, I was, you know, to, to shoot a movie, you get up, your fucking call time's like 7.30 in the morning, that's like to be there. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's crazy. It is long hours, but it's been, I've had the best time on this, but the fun thing is I would wake up because we're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right. And the moment that you sighted was like funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in an oh my god way, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh shit. But the part that actually what I told you made me laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck that I laughed. So hard. And of course, what made me laugh the hardest was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A, the act of what I was witnessing, and like, that it was happening, but also the other actors in the scene being there. Same as like that Henry, uh, thing, it's, it's, wasn't so much that he did it, it's that the other actor going like, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how it finishes. Let's put it there. Yeah, yeah. Now when I told you, what did you think? Did you go back to remembering that scene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, some other interesting things going on. You mentioned to me that, uh, you have some changes in your own family dynamic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sent me this image. Is this right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do. Age gap love is fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so hooked on that show. I've never been so into a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it basically just features people from all over the world, which is also one of my favorite parts of it. It's not just in one area. There's a lot in the UK, but also they go through other parts of Europe here in the United States. They've been just featuring all these different


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That episode featured an older woman who's married for the ninth time. Yeah, that part's not okay. Ninth time, and she married a guy. Her ninth marriage definitely has some developmental problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I know what you mean. That's probably- It's very exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is weird. But I don't know anything that's going on. I mean, I don't know. It's curious to say the least.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know he liked to party online and meet people. He's very social. He would take a lot of trips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your, uh, your pops had a girl for a while. I thought the marriage would have been to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, but I think in, in, you know, in the big cities, no, I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's, you know, they got their shit going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so different, I mean, because of their different lives. I'm saying my, my parents and yours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's creepy, that's so weird. Well yea, because everyone's natural thought when this would be like, oh, like you're just trying to get something from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would get bored if somebody didn't have a depraved kind of sense of humor. That's what I, yeaah. Or at least, at least was not uhm, willing to play ball with mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let me stop. Alright, we took our little break, we're back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so true though that something like that can just turn you off from doing something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell me about, how did it, how did the idea of, did you, did that lead to you get like saying, I want to write a book?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's embarrassing as a guy about going to Hooters? Is when you end up at Hooters with a group, you, this is how my mind works, you want the server to know that you're not like them. So you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that you're not like trying to drop dad jokes on them or like being like, hey do they make those shorts any shorter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like one of those guys. So like what I do is I completely shut down. Whereas some of the guys turn it on, I shut it down so that in my mind at least I'm going, you're not being that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'll like avert eye contact. I'll just be like, yeah, no, no thanks. And when they do like their smiley thing, especially cause that's when the dads really light up is when she's like, she's like extra shrimp sauce with that. And they're like, I do. I'll just be like, no, I'm fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like I'm embarrassed to be amongst the people who are acting that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I haven't been to a Hooters in quite some time, but I feel like the last time I went, it wasn't like me and my friends were going, let's go to Hooters. It was probably when I was working in a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, office like production job. And so you're going with people who you're actually not your friends. It's co-workers. So it has like that, it's a different vibe than I'm going out with friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So stupid. It's horrible. Now I, I had a, one of my friends, this is like the saddest, this is like who I would, this is what would drive you from going to Hooters is that one of my friend's roommates was going like five days a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're leaving like 50% tips and stuff and you're like, uh, he's like, duh, they're like, we're close, like we're friends, you know, I'm like, friends? Like do you hang out outside of Hooters? No, but you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do they need that? Why is that? I don't know. I think it's a really dated...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, concept of making the legs look nice, cause when I see nude nylons, I see, I think so, I think cause it would take out any blemish that you might have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeah, I think so. I believe so. God. And the episode they did with Hooters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, it was, they had, so you know, like that's like where the president or CEO acts like he's trying to get a job there. So they have them like washing dishes and the, the actual guy that running the day to day operations of this one Hooters


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has no clue, and he's like, hamming it up for the camera. He's like, hey, he's like, alright. He's like, no, no, no. He's like, these girls think they're hot shit. So, you know, you gotta kinda put them in their place a lot so they don't get a big head about them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then this guy just turned white. And I couldn't believe he didn't fire him. I don't know why he didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, nice lady. They see the power dynamic shift at the strip club where they go, I have the money and therefore I own you. And all their rage kind of comes out because that girl never looks at him when he's not in the strip club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There probably are environments of strip clubs where it's like that. Yeaah. But the problem is you're not going to enough strip clubs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just said like, hey, everyone said you're the guy to ask. Like, who should I get to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't know, I'd never been there, but they all were just like, if anyone knows what to look for in a stripper, it's him. And that's what she came over and told me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just, I think I was just like, oh, uh, and I just looked around the room and I was like, she looks like she stinks, go ask her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's a good question. I mean, you would see who, like, you don't want the stripper, I think, who thinks too highly of themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, no, no. You just want, you want someone who's game, like who's down for the show. Like a rescue dog?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that's what I did when I went to my friend Red's, uh, uh, bachelor party 15 years ago. We went to this rundown strip club outside of Charlotte and the lady that looked like, you know, life had just handed her nothing but, but broken fucking dreams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gave her a whole twenty. She looked like, she looked like she had had maybe six, seven kids. Everything was kind of hanging and, you know, nobody was looking at her. I went up to her, I gave her like a hundred bucks and I was just like, just sit on them and just keep dancing. She was like, okay. So that was, that's fun to send your friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what she wants. That's all she wants. And you know what? That woman still thinks she's kinda hot. That's the thing about her. That's the only way she can still keep doing that. If she was like, I'm not good enough for this, she wouldn't be there. So in her mind, that's the amazing thing about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That type of stripper is that she actually thinks that she's got it going on still to a degree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you feel about ball kicking? Like kicking a guy in the balls as a dom? You think you could do that? Some guys like, here's 500 bucks, just keep kicking me in the balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we're talking about full wind up. You kick him, he doubles over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he loves it. He wants you to. He asks for you to keep doing it. And then he's like, I'm bleeding, I'm pissing blood, you know. I don't think I could handle that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, speaking of all these offers, men and women and everything, here's an offer that a man put out there, uh, on the subway, just to everybody on the train. And I'm wondering if you two ladies would respond to this. Maybe, maybe in your single days, maybe now. I don't know. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, this guy will help you forget for sure. Yeah. Oh, he would have wiped that memory, those gone, just you've been, yeah. And plus you keep, you keep jumping over the 20 bucks. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the streets, and uhm, she, it wasn't good. Wasn't a good pitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, my guess is that she is below that man's standards though. That's how, how full of himself he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody, you know, we've watched this clip probably 40 times. Somebody pointed out to me that there's a whole lot of shoulder movement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In this, we never really realized he's actually probably tugging his meat this whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, I think you guys should open up your attitudes a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And ever since we introduced people to ball hogs, they've been making their own ball hog videos and sending them into us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's a good question. And uhm, generally speaking, yeaah, it works, it works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta, you gotta want it. Yeaah. Life is full of obstacles. Yeaah. And you gotta just, if there's something you wanna do, you gotta, you gotta push for it. I mean. Right, you gotta do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, or you could use Cameron Haynes' philosophy, the ultra-distance runner. Keep hammering. Keep hammering. Keep hammering. Just keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, it's so true though. But here's what usually happens I think is that, so there's a guy sitting down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a guy is sitting down, right? There's a guy sitting on the chair behind you. A woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is seated facing him with one in her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? There's two in you. There's number two. Two in you now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it's ever comfortable, but people want to push the boundaries and the levels of what they, what's possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, that is nuts that that comes out, right? You saw it happen. Yeah. Human being comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so, uhm, removed from the physical part of what's going on, it's just that like you're seeing a baby, your baby born, that you're just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just in awe, like you're not thinking about, oh that baby came out of your puss puss. It's like, it's just that like baby is born and you're, you're just totally in awe. Right. Yeah. I mean, somebody could have just tapped me and I would have probably fall, fell over, you know? I mean, yeah, you just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blood? No, I don't know shit. Me neither. No, it was uh, just like fluid and yeaah. Just looked like a, looked like a sewage valve had been opened and just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just, it looked like, I don't know, ocean water. It was just like a, it was like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even remember, I was so focused on him. I didn't know. And then I was like, is he a ginger?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a real bad moment where we thought we were gonna have to give him up so he'd look like he might have red hair. But then everything got better. But that was a really rough moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a pool, it was really like, a lot of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because even like when you're, like when you're, I think maybe if it was a stranger or something, you start to objectify the X's and O's of the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when it's yours, you're really like thinking about, you're monitoring the heart rate monitor and you're looking at her. And then, you know, when, when the head starts to crown, you're really like, holy shit, this is about to happen. So your mind isn't really going there. You're so in the moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, it was, it was, it wasn't bloody. It just was one of those things where I go, I just don't want, it's like watching, um, some violent YouTube thing and you're just like, well, that's in my head forever and I can't get it out. So that's what I was trying to avoid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that I noticed, but I'm saying if you... A lot of... Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I would say that Allison earned hers and we'll have that ship to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now here's the ball hog thing I was trying to show you. People have sent us ball hog. Oh great, great. Them saying ball hog lines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's abuse, that's abuse. That's from Taylor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's too cute to do this. She's really pretty. She's too pretty for that. It stops being funny and starts being real. I know. Marcus from Ontario. Thanks for doing that Marcus. And of course everybody else. Hey, Lafferty. Ari.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody really gravitated to her name. Why would you not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's pretty great. I'm Peyton Lafferty. I'm Peyton Lafferty. I'm a boar hog. It's pretty great. Uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From our friend Joey Diaz. Okay. He left me. He told me he's, uh, he was taking this, um, natural laxative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a weight loss, uh, supplement basically. Sure. And uhm, I don't know, he's been encouraging me to try it, and this is I guess his report.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, uh, like a natural, like it says lax, it's like a detoxification thing. So you're supposed to just take a few pills a night for like a week. I mean, if it works for Joey Diaz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that uhm, you know the piss on me guy, the come over and fuck me? People, someone's made him a Tinder profile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's uh, I heard a bit about it. That's how I know. Uhm, that's in like a lot of rural places where, but, but, you know, letting the woman initiate. Oh, is it Bumble? I think it's the name of it. I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A woman thought it was disgusting that I used our shared bar of soap to clean my ass. Bear in mind I only ran it along the crack of my ass so I wouldn't come back with shit on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Regardless, she insisted that it was nasty as hell, that I used our bare bar of soap without the loofah to clean my ass, and she still needed to wash her face. I said it's a bar of soap, unless there's a brown streak on it, it's always gonna be clean. Can a bar of soap be dirty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perhaps a question for the philosophers, which is why did we decide to email you our favorite genes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mind the wrong for using the bar of soap to clean my crack and balls? And does the bar of soap get dirty if I directly clean my ass with it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for letting us your ears and settling the dispute. Sincerely, Sal and Emily, and we are ball hogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he just took the bar soap, cleaned his ass, and then probably put it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's true. Sometimes what I do is, I'll take the soap bar, let's say, start rubbing it over myself, then put it down, and then get some more lather from the bar, but I'll put the bar anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess. I never really thought about it. And like, I always thought that like, yea, the bar is clean. It's a bar soap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I like shitting in peace, but that's just more because that's my time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like to just, you know, not talk during that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's sitting there plopping, and she's just like, yeah, so, and I would see them, and I'm like, cause I knew them real well, and I'm like, you just gonna eat that in front of them? And they, and they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I saw it, I saw it. Because he was a close roommate of mine, and I saw him shit all the time. But when they were dating, I'm like, you're just gonna stand there and eat that while he shits, and I didn't even register to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, no, but you know, there's a thing where like, if you're like really good, good friends, you don't want it to happen, but it's like, you don't go like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Like you do would with like a stranger or somebody. So it's like, I don't know. You just kind of, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a, it's not a bonding thing, it's more like a ball busting thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's her laugh. Isn't that just- No. Yes, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had crazy, crazy, crazy laughs a few times, yeah, where the funny thing is most of the time the better rule is to completely ignore it even if nobody else is because it becomes such a distraction for the show. But I've had a few times where I had to address it. It was so crazy. You know, one time a guy was sitting in the front row, he was actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And laughing so hard at even minor things. And his laugh, it wasn't like this, but it was a different sounding laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was uhm, in a struggle for his life as he laughed, you know, so at a certain point I was just like, dude, and I thought that, cause what happens is when you address somebody about their laugh, sometimes you kind of ruin the show for them. They start to feel really self-conscious. Yeah, but he went right into it. He didn't care. Like, so it was fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] L.A. can be real depressing to shop for a house. As I imagine other just big cities are, because you're like, fuck man, this is what I'm, this is my level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always a good challenge with LA. Uhm, before we leave, the book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. AllisonRosen.com or go to Amazon Tropical Attire Encouraged. Uhm, also Allison Rosen is your new best friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, this, uh, closing song is Psycho Ball Hog by DJ Bill Cosby. I have not heard it. I don't know. I can imagine what it's about. Anything else, Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we've been looking into fart mics, which has been a long time coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm serious about the fart mic. I feel like a lot of our listeners are serious about wanting one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For 2018, uh, just a couple of dates. November 24th, Mandiego, California at the House of Blues. December 8th, Jew Dork Titties. Two shows. First one sold out. We added a 10.30 show at the Gramercy Theater. And also, I mean, I, you know, I apologize. I announced Philly a while back and, uh, it just got...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pushed back the release date. By the time this comes out, I think it will be on sale. I believe it's December 7th, the night before our judo titties. I will be doing Philly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the punchline, so get those tickets at Christina P on line. What about you, Jean jacket?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, 37 weeks pregnant, and I shouldn't be this heavy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my fat Indian stepdad who's dead now, he looked like this all the time cause he had a lot of hard fat. Was it called visceral fat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it has something to do with having a big fat belly, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not healthy. It's definitely not a healthy way to breathe. It kills me more. You don't breathe like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it's not. It's just my way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just pee blood all the time. Why go to the doctor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, but it's not, you're right. There's something, there's some neuropathy issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, before I forget guys, Amazon, do you shop there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a neat thing, though, that people can talk to each other as they watch the show. And they can say things like, Christina's tits look exceptionally large today, or Tom's beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People keep saying I'm as fat as Bert, and I don't know, do you think that my stomach looks as big as Bert's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think so? That bird's fatter than- I mean, not fat, this isn't fat, this is a child, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so he still thinks he's burning calories from running one marathon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I saw a picture of him you showed me on Instagram. It doesn't look good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just how it is. That's just how I breathe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I, that is a common dad breath thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when they're fat, when they're fat. It's really fat, isn't it? Isn't it just being fat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My Indian fat stepdad, that's why he did that because he was really bad. It's terrifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You know what he does too, is he'll put his arms around his body and then he'll...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you'll see like his chest rise and fall, and the arms too, and you're like, oh you're really going hard there, you're really working hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you've already taken two shits. Two? Yea, you took one. You took two. When you came back from Ellis' school, you took a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well in your case, sometimes it makes the farts come out more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. I don't know. You know, but I've heard the guys do, and they share their good clips with each other. I've heard guys doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy who's like, hey I jerked off a lot to this clip, you might want to jerk off to it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I'd be embarrassed either. I don't- what's on there? Pictures of my kid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being that person, like, what is wrong with this? Like, what is wrong with these people? What was timed if I could-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's silliness. It's nonsense. It's absolute nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, put your shit down. Go put the bible down and go eat a waffle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's when, yeah, no one could get weed. You go to Amsterdam, you go walk around the red light district, see hookers and stuff, pee in the streets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Yoshi still goes there. He does too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's childish. Well it's childish to think that God is, uh, keeping scorecards on people's jerk sessions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm offended. You know, it's so funny, every, every month with our boy, and I'm sorry to assign him a gender, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look, these people that are really hung up on this shit, like, you're assigning gender properties to kids, like, I don't know, if you've ever raised a boy or a girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of that shit's pretty innate. It's pretty glaring. Yeah, I'm not forcing trucks into his hands or forcing dirt on him. He just gravitates to it naturally. Yeah. It's pretty innate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's all dude, and you know, I've tried giving him dolls, doesn't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it, so if you say Marijuana you're implying that it's a thing against Mexicans. Stop saying-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The M word. And that's my favorite is the M. Now you can't say marijuana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the social justice warriors and the far lefties who are just as crazy as the far righties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the internet. I'll tell you the biggest problem I think too is that people can search for something and get this much tiny bit of information on a huge topic and now they're fucking suddenly experts on it. Oh, but you didn't see this video of this thing. It's like dude, listen, it's so silly. Everybody's so, it's out of control. Everybody's out of fucking control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's absolute nonsense. Everybody's so fucking sensitive about shit that doesn't matter. Doesn't even fucking matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of us are just trying to keep a roof over our head and raise our children, trying to not make them assholes, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the saddest part, the scariest part is that if you say what we're saying right now, like, people will light you up when you're a jerk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's social media too, a lot of these nutbags that congregate on Twitter or whatever and they all group together and gang up. And it's, again, I don't think in reality it's a huge majority of people, but it's fucking idiots like this who put these videos together and then a smaller group of idiots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because now reality is whatever you say it is. There's no such thing as an objective reality anymore that we all take part in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's okay, it's cool man, do you? Like, listen, it's not okay. There are certain things that are fucking empirical, uh, evidence it's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The earth is round, guys. Sorry. You know, science, reason, logic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This girl came out of surgery and they gave her a popsicle and she goes, you wanna see my special talent? And then she de-throated her popsicle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, uhm, you know it's really neat in our marriage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, the other day, it's been like a week ago now. You came home with a salad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you normally don't eat in the bedroom, so I don't know what the box was doing in our bedroom. You're very good about eating in the kitchen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, you finished your salad and it came in a clear plastic box and then you had like a regular fork and you left the salad box and the fork


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. What I enjoy too is watching the leaves turn brown. Yeaah. It was like autumn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, all the green lettuce slowly wilted and turned brown and then black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then all the, yeaah, the contents inside started to rot. It was kinda cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People loved it. They're like, he's sending you a man message. What's the, what's the message? What were you trying to send me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kinda disrespectful, it's the way, if you let the dogs run through the house, and then they shit in the kid's playroom. Yeah. Like to show you, like, fuck this kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think I'm messier? Who's the messy champ? That's really the question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you shave your beard, your back, your balls in the sink in your side and then you leave the hair there and then like toothpaste.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they get stuck in the toothpaste cause you'll spit your toothpaste out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you've hawked a loogie in the kitchen sink, remember that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're pretty good with a shower other than like the hobo showering where you blow snot rockets and you pee all over me and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you're, you're, I'm pretty messy though too. Like I leave food everywhere, I drop things, I don't pick them up. Can't pick them up. Clothing, I'll just leave everywhere. I can't bend over right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, totally messy. But who's the messy champ?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, uh, cause I sh- I'm supposed to be house proud, I'm supposed to be more kept, right? Like, like- Yeah. Keeping things up, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I like talking about the diarrhea I had the other night, if you don't mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, okay, so I was so hungry, I had steak for dinner, Brussels sprouts, and a potato. An hour later, I was starving. Are you going to look at me and pay attention? And then I had a thing of yogurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blueberries, muesli, and then an hour later I had toast with penis butter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the fun part. You can't really shit for a long time and then sometimes just get diarrhea. Anyway, I woke up at like 3 in the morning and just the fucking floodgates had opened and I had diarrhea all night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you hate that? Of course. Night diarrhea is just worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was terrible, the whole next day I was like, ugh, I can't even move. Cause you didn't sleep, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How stupid were we? I would like give myself a day or two without smoking and then by day three I'm like, it's fine now. This cough will go away eventually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had night diarrhea and then the next day we went to go see Sicario. Sicaria or Sicario?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of, it's good cause it's a standalone, like you don't have to have seen the first one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh Brolin, uh, is that his name? Yeah. Looksamaze. Now, Emory Brunt wasn't in it, which I'm really upset about, because I really dig her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he was so bloated and fat that his eyes looked swollen shut kinda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's such a fucking double standard, cause if you look at Emily Blunt in the first movie,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She weighs 90 pounds, her skin is flawless, yet these leading guys can be total animals, total fat fucking pigs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see his eyes look really bloated, like, like, like sodium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that what's happening? He always had heavy eyes though, and I kinda like that about him. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He always looks kinda, kinda, uhm, rough. Right. Which is his thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's fantastic. He was great in the movie. But again, it just makes you wonder like, God, he's fucking serious double standards between men and women in our business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you look at these fat fucking animals who work until they're old and just, look at fucking Marlon Brando.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that slob, what did he weigh? At least three bills. He was a disgusting mess. And he was still starring in movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looked like a fucking mess by Apocalypse Now. He had to read everything off of cue cards, he was so out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to see a female actress that looks that shitty that's still working. No way. Oh my god. Looks like shit on a stick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And even uhm, my beloved James Gandolfini, I love Sopranos, I think James Gandolfini was such an amazing actor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, with he and uh, Julie Louise Dreyfuss, I think it was called enough said. It's a cute little movie on iTunes. It's a little romance. And you're looking at them side by side, and you're like, I think they're the similar age. And she's just rail thin, trying to fucking hold it together. And he, he is so fucking fat in that movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was googling, uhm, fat male leads. Yeah. And I found this great list on ranker.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, I'm not shitting on people for being fat. I'm just saying, like, if you're a lead actor in a film, and you're supposed to be a sex symbol, and you're not a character actor, and the fucking ridiculousness of this double standard, like, Marlon Brando got to look like that in Gandolfini and work, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like old guy fat. He's not, he's like normal guy fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I'm telling you, watch old King of Queens when he's wearing like his UPS outfit. Okay, what about right now? I don't know right now, I think he's slimmed down since, but I'm talking like, I would say when King of Queens was at its height.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a real whale, I mean, and he was wearing that outfit and his legs are chunky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ralphie, and then one step under is Burt. Is that what you're thinking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he looks great. No, you're right. Now he looks great. But I'm saying at the height of the King of Queens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like husky, I like huskier guys. This is them right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, he lost a bunch of weight, but you watch those King of Queens, man. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's always been the acceptable, unattractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do yourself a favor and google Aretha Franklin tits right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, dude. Johnny, I've been lost a bunch of weight now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, American entrepreneur, entrepreneur, gas business, pioneering the development of the large, I can't read it, state of resources. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well don't you think pro athletes get a pass because they've been in such incredible shape for the majority of their lives?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kirsti Alley, she's always fluctuated though. Yeah. Oprah, she obese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Michael Moore. I think he was going through a skinny phase or something, he tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Kearney Wilson. Remember Fat Kearney? She was one of the fat Wilson Phillips. Who's this fuckin' guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where this is the money maker, and this is the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then again, you look at some dudes like your friend Mark Wahlberg, who's a lead actor, and he stars in everything, and he looks amazing!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Despite his morbid obesity, Tom Segura prevailed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, thanks Chris. Uhm, whatever, your ear pussy, like ear pussy is so stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look, I'm watching a Danish show right now on Netflix called Rita.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I fucking hate it because you just know you're missing out so much on, on, you know, you don't speak the language. I know it's a different thing, but reading dialogue is significantly different than just being able to hear. Oh yeaah. I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, contextual evidence supports this. And also, the accent, which is really interesting that this person points out, I'm home here now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is absolutely one of my top favorite Your Mom's House shirts. I just, I love everything about this design. I love it. I just love this. God bless whoever drew this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you- How do you desensitize the gland's penis? Is what he's asking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, right, sure. You know, hey, this is your domain. I had a friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the sad part about being a guy. That's gotta be really tough. Yeah. Cause once you blow your, your stuff, then you gotta wait to regroup. Yeah. You know? You gotta build up your supply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he, here's what I'm thinking. Is he training?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the point of bugacking or he's just rub, rub, rubbing without any, any, uh, circumstances coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where I think the logic might be flawed with the rub-rub guy. Is that maybe if he begocks so much, maybe that'll help build his tolerance. Build the, uh, you know, cause if you're constantly begocking, doesn't that help, like what Rocco's saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you know that? Is there a follow-up video that shows him walking around talking? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And crazy looks, maybe there will be some kind of confrontation planned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it looks like a long neck here trains Bear Knuckled. That's true. If I'm not mistaken he was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is street, you know, he's a totally different style of fighting it looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stickin' in a stickin' in a stickin' in a stickin' in a stickin' in a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's got less. He's got one, two, three right now. He's not in the sun, which is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whole new outfit, whole new look. Really exciting. I didn't know we had another part to this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I gotta bring it up. I just, I want everybody to know I'm super proud of you, Tom. Yeah. Uh, you reached gold medallion status at Starbucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so for those of you who don't know, Starbucks has an app you just prepay and then you can order your drink in advance of you going to Starbucks and it's there waiting and you just pick it up and go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are. No, I will say, cause we go to the, there's a couple places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who claims to be the water champ, did not have water at his desk today at work. And I did. And he just, he's drinking mine right now. And he's so thirsty, you're parched cause you don't drink enough water. It's obvious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we've been to a few in the neighborhood and they are like the dream team Starbucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're super friendly and they do a great job. So shout out to our local, you know, branch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, I don't know, we don't do, I don't do anal's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if I liked it, I would probably request it frequently if it were my jam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, your honor, allow me to present my case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yana, I'm gonna have to, uh, differ in opinion here. And what you're saying, by definition, a queef is a pussy fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the air you're describing coming from the woman's anus is actually queef-like in nature, however, is not a queef. Why? Because a queef by definition


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's anal queef. It is a queef-like scenario coming out of an anus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't necessarily matter the origin of hair when it comes out of the butthole. I'm not saying it's a fart. Now here's the real definition we have to think about here. It's not exactly a fart, but it's not exactly a queef because like I said by definition queefs come out of vaginas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of a hybrid of the two. I'm going to say it's like, uh, a quarf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what is, what is, uh, uh, uh, uh, an asshole queef? It's an asshole queef, but it's not a proper queef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not the same, you can't start calling anal queefs, it's an anal queef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I-I'm sorry, but I-I'm a purist, I stand by my definition that a queef is a pussy fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyhole. Now see, that's what we gotta go to. Is it in Miriam Webster? Can we look up Cleve?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that would decide this once and for all. Let's look at a proper definition of what a queef is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm clearly a purist, you're gonna be a little looser on your interpretation here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if I had to argue in court, I'm gonna stick to the definition of vaginal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Correct. The difference here is that it's not a pure fart. We're going to give it its own name. It is a, uh, uh, anal, an anal queef, which is different than a traditional queef. It's like a subcategory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And actually antagonizes them in the hopes of attracting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's taunting you, he's daring you to do it. And I kind of want to give that guy what he wants because he's a shithead about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who would you want to fuck? The tried out guy or the dog shit guy? I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he seems more together than tried-out. Tried-out guy's just a mess. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Tried-out guy gets pissed on, because he's such a hot mess, he's totally out of reality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the tried-out guy, the tried-out guy wants to be fucked, Tom. That's all he focuses on, is fuck me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, that's all he's asking for, is come over here and fuck me, lease him a key, he's offering it for, you know, everything, black guys, uh, jail, whoever, just fuck me, I need to get fucked a lot, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm done, I've heard all I need to know. I've heard everything. Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna piss on that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because all he wants is deg- he sounds like he wants degradation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy's just boring. He's like a run-of-the-mill, you know, humiliate me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it out, guy. It's a wild card. Like, you're gonna see some crazy shit when you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy can handle being peed on. He wants to be peed on. And it's gonna be a better experience, cause he wants it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well because he wants it so badly, he's willing to give you a lease and a key and put himself out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He can handle it. He's there. The other guy's too fragile. He would cry and be weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I could pee on that guy and it would be fine. He would want that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're pissing on Try it out. Try it out. Walk me through your logic here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On this very important debate. Yeah. Yeah, it's, you know, potato potato. Honestly, the dog shit, piss shit guy, he annoys the shit out of me too. Tried out guy amuses me. I would want to hang out with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The term was used to knock on people of color and their devilish ways. Now, the word itself isn't inherently racist, but it was used by American prohibitionists to exploit racism and xenophobia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop saying marijuana. Why? Because it's racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And why? And what happened was the school started monitoring that track and field area and they quickly nabbed a suspect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a talent. It took a lot to get there, you know? Any pushback? A little bit. Originally the producer was like, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, where do you want to start? Uh, I think the general consensus for favorite dumb tattoo was uh, so I dated, this is on fart safari 1 by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, but yeaah, so I dated this girl named Allie, and, uh, it didn't end well, like at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I got I Heart Alley on my chest and then, uh, when that went south, uh, I had to get like a really clever cover up, you know. So, uh, came up with I Heart Alligators. That's pretty amazing. It's pretty good. Yeah. It's got the little lacoste alligators. That's brilliant. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's actually maybe my favorite tattoo. Oh, and then right here, that's the movie Alien vs. Predator. I thought the movie was so dumb that I drunkenly got a tattoo of it like later. It's not even correct, like that's supposed to be a line that goes straight down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I auditioned for a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was called Epic Fail, and I did not get the part. Oh. But they were like, we're looking for wacky comedians, and uh, like, people that, like, will do anything. So I was like, I'll just get a tattoo of the show. So I got Epic Fail on my arm. And I was like, worst case, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uh, it's even dumber, it's funnier, I think. Yeah, for sure. It's pretty funny. Oh, and it's so great that you didn't get epic fail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, god, it's funny, like I've got an old dirty bastard tattoo. Uh, it could be better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Accommodate madness, but I, I, this is on Farts of 482, I talk about it. It's misspelled just to screw with people and I thought it'd be real funny because I thought people would constantly like, tell me that and then I'd have to be like, be like, oh shit, what? And uh, no, it's uh, no, we're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, thanks. Uh, I'd hold off on that, but... It's like a C- so far, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think part of it, it was, yeaah, it was nasty, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the deal, I'm used to him, but he also knows me and I think that's why he's like, I can, she lives with this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt bad for you just because you felt like that was bad. Because like Flynn was not at all fazed. Okay, as long as she was. When she told me to tell you personally that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other night we were, uh, she like gave me a kiss and I farted right as, like I saved it just for that moment. Cause I had just gotten back from being out of town and uh, she was like tell Christina that happened cause this is just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, no, that was immediate. You gotta like, I'm not gonna live a lie. Like it's gonna happen a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We talk to each other while we shit. I mean, we don't, we don't keep the door open. Yeah, that one's, that's a, that's a bear. Like, cause I've...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? I really like to block everything out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our apartment's not huge and we'll have people over and we're still talking to each other. Really? I spent a lot of time in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fantastic. I love it. I love that stuff. That's just like us on the road. Yeah. Pretty much. 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uh, it's pretty fun. It's, yeah, I mean, I'm sure some of the people know what we're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. If we're doing clubs, then, you know, that's several days. We'll have a different shirt for every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Well, that was straight up from your Instagram. Yeah, those are awesome. Yeah, I mean, you look really cool with that haircut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeah, the two, we always wear the same outfits. We're family. I got it. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, there was one, uh, in Denver where I panicked because I forgot to do it, and it was like, we were about to take off, and... You panicked that you didn't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so fun! And, uh, so, I found a place, like a flea market that would make a, like a, what's that called, like a spray painting. Yeah. Oh yeah, like airbrush or whatever. Yeah, it was actually, ended up being one of the most


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ditched the, uh, crutches and I just took the pain. That's still the craziest part of the whole weekend to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and like, yeaah, they were trying to talk me out of just like, you should stay- I was in the hospital and I was like telling them like, hey, this is what happened, and uh, they were like, you should probably just like, take care of yourself, and I was like, no, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After something like, I had like PTSD for a little bit after that and it was like, no, I need to get on stage to feel normal, you know? Like it was pretty messed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even get hit, but my knees are just like screwed for life. Oh yea, it's really bad. What was the scenario again? I was just walking to say hi to a couple friends and it was like late at night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had friends that, like, lectured me later, like, what was your fault for walking in a, it's not a bad neighborhood. It's fine. It wasn't a bad neighborhood? No, I was, I mean, it's not the best, but it's, you know, it's like, I live in the middle of LA, like, you know, like in Austin, I wouldn't think that would be a problem. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just heard like, screaming. I heard someone say, I'm gonna kill you motherfucker. And they came, it was a big dude, and he came running with his fist up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's running full speed at me and I just, and there was a group of guys behind him that were laughing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was just like so like unsettling and I just kind of shimmied over. I'm really good at juking and I just like very sanded over and then like he ran, he was going too fast so he had to run past me and then couldn't run that way because those guys were there. Didn't want to run towards him. So there, there was like 10 foot ledge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Behind this church's chicken and I just ran and like long jumped off this ledge. And I remember when I landed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could see I was past this, uh, you know, the parking space lines. I had jumped almost all the way past that and just, but when I landed, just everything in both legs, just I knew it, it was bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy jumped after me and then he hit his head and like he was kind of dazed and he was kind of shaking his face but I was like I was worried I was going to get shot in the back or like those other guys were going to jump down and that guy was still trying to get up and so I like ran out to like where the street lights were and was just kind of waving at cars and like called my friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then just ran to where I was supposed to be going. Cause right there, it was like a 0.3 mile walk that this happened in and showed up.