[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, oh, I watched this video about people that go rent cars in, uhm, the em, in, uh, what is it, in Dubai, in the Emirates or whatever? Yeah. And they leave them at the airport? Like, there's, you can look it up, there's this video, there's like thousands of cars that are like really nice cars because if you don't pay your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, if you skip payments, it's a prisonable offense in Dubai.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what they'll do is they'll drive them to the airport and they'll catch a flight out of the country and ghost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Look, look, look it up. It's insane. There's like Ferrari, Ferrari, Beamer, Mercedes. That they just didn't make their payment on. Yea, they were, yea, they just leave the car. It's like a car graveyard at the airport. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I saw- Yeah. Well, okay. Yeah, I'm pretty sure- No, man, I didn't- I didn't hit it, but sorry about that, man. Yeah, alright, okay. Second day, hits it, and then you go, hey dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember yesterday? You remember how I, you know, I saw the truck hit it, now I did see it. I saw it today. It was loud, I think you heard it too. And then he says, it sticks out a little too far if I'm being honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mirror? No, no, the mailbox, it sticks out too far, so. Okay, well maybe you go around it. I can't, it's a tight turn from the corner. Alright, I gotta go, do some other deliveries. Now you start, now you're cooking on this guy. See, day three. Day three, now he really gets it. Now Tom's waiting for the guy to come? Your waiting outside for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I say it to you. I go, Hey man, smoked it today. Sorry about that. I, I clipped it bad. I took that turn fast and I'm a little hung over. Um, also one of your packages that you were supposed to get, it was a big one, something important. I don't know. Um, it broke at the warehouse. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, you gotta figure it out with them. Okay. Yeah. Alright man, have a good day, I'll see you later. No, you too. That's it, it's brewing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I see him at the juice bar. Yeah, here I am at the juice bar. I know, and I'm at the juice bar. I know the guy that works there. He's been waiting in line for quite a while. I walk right in. I go, Mikey, what up? Boom. He's got my juice ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets up there, wants his juice. I got the last of whatever the juice that he needed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in, he's, uh, just up by Bob Hope Airport, just by Burbank Airport. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's one of those old du- it's a- it used to be a house, now it's a duplex. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he's got, uh, he's actually got the dominant side of the yard, so like the other side's concrete for the driveway, but he's got like a nice little patio with those little string lights that he's got. It's pretty chill, I'm not gonna lie, it's kinda cool. He's got a cute, cute, tiny little fucking fluffy dog. Absolutely. Totally. It's super cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he just had a lack of teeth. I don't think he had no teeth. I think he was, he was, I think he was, you know, tooth deficient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Double. Oh, it's hot? Yeah, it's PCP. When you dip a blunt in, in, it's formaldehyde. It's embalming fluid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No, that's real. Getting wet means dipping a blunt in embalming fluid. Formaldehyde. And what does that do? Or PCP. Makes you feel good. Makes you feel really fucking good. Dude, we've had some nights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's had a couple of runs. In fact, he used to, before he got this desk job, he was working, he was working at a funeral home. That's how he discovered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what's so sad about that? Santa Clarita's not that far. It's not. And he should go up there more often. But he's working on himself a little bit right now. He can't go see those kids in this condition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there, that's the irony of the whole thing is, he has a nice little Honda Civic that he, you know, functioning car to drive up there, but since he's eco-friendly, he walks to work. Cause it's only three and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does too many. He not only hangs the trees from the rear view, but also on his turning signal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It depends if you're cute. He makes a lot of small talk. If you're a woman, yes. If you're a big booty girl that's looking to get wet, then definitely. Oh yeah. He'll tell you all about his day. But if you're a guy, he's quick to brush you off. If you're like, hey man, how's it going? He's like, everything's fine. He doesn't know if you're a snitch or a PO or what's your, you know what I mean? He doesn't know your deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's he watching today? No teeth. That's no teeth. No, that's genuinely no teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would be in such shock if you told him. What? What? What do you mean gay? Like goofy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a weird guy? You mean he does FooFoo stuff? Totally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No idea. I feel like, I feel like that. You know how many, you know how many people, like Kevin Spacey coming out, coming out to the world at a very inappropriate time when he also got, you know, like accused of touching boys. So many people in middle America were like, he's not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I know, like, that's what's funny, the epicenter of the Midwest is a city that's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such a diverse cr- like, you know what I mean? But then like, you know, an hour west or south, or two hours south, you're like, oh boy, this is a different- this is a different world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's pretty unfortunate. Actually, he has a house, uhm, it's not really a house anymore, but it's like a, it used to be a nice little piece of property he had in Tarzana, and uh, when his wife left him, everything left him. The need to clean and take care of it, and it's overgrown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think he would take care. I don't think he would take care. He lets them roam. I don't think he would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I guess I got time to come. I would love to come fifteen times. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to come 15 times? I don't know, I feel like you're joshing us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much fun. My neighbor, my old neighbor in the old building, he, he was a pump king. He was the pump king, that's what I called him, cause he would fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the time, always, awesome, fun, party, coming, coming, new people coming by, just, and I'd sit there on my window, just staring, waving sometimes at some of the new visitors, you know, thumbing them up, like, fucking, get ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean, I'll tongue the hell out of hers. I love fucking licking ass. I'm a big ass licker. Oh, here you go. Big ass licker. So, it's just, you know, that's, that's, that's for, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't know, I don't really want her to, you know what I mean? I'd appreciate a little bit more gagging on the old knob, but, uh, yeah, you could, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mine are getting lower and I'm getting worried about it. Really? They're starting to swing. They're starting to be, they're starting to swing a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a couple of swingers. I got a little weird out of it. Cause I asked another buddy and I was like, can I see your nuts? Like how tight are your nuts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's so, the weight differential, this is so light, think about how heavy, that's heavy, that's like, that's, these, no this doesn't hurt, it only hurts when uhm, it only hurts sometimes in bed, like if I'm in an awkward position sleeping, and if I roll over a weird way and I'm like, ah, ah, ah, and I got him caught up a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should make jeans for your nuts, like two little nut cups for your jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they make, they make, uhm, they make night pants like that. I really like, like, uh, you know, like nighttime jammies. They make really, like, big cups for your nuts and your balls. I really love that. It's really nice. Yea, I wear these nighttime pants sometimes and my cock sits in this little, just in this little bowl, like a little cock and bowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you a fan of ball play? Do you like ball stuff? Do it. Go for it. Give it to me. The only thing I never, over the years, the only thing I learned is, one, it takes me way too long to come from a blowjob. That's just an honest fact, an unfortunate truth. I remember being like, getting my first one, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, it scared me. And then I think it fucked with my head. Then for years, I would thwart women from giving me blowjobs. Really? Yeah, because I was like, can we just have sex? I'm like, yeah, okay. If it was foreplay, I was like, let's just fuck. Because I was so scared that they were going to be like, why can't he cum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't come that fast. I just don't come. And then I get conscious, I'm like, she's been sucking my cock for way too long, this is bad. I feel like a mean guy. You know, cause then they kinda look at you like, you're gonna come and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pulling one is weird. You know, they rope the bag and they pull it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, I think at some point it's mental, that they're just like, they're so fucking deranged, that the pain is so intense, it's like satisfying. You know when people do, like, they get these like, pain fucking mongers that are like, the harder it is, the more, the less they feel in a weird way? Cause it's like so intense that it takes over. I can't, no, too sensitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna say, you made me think, like, the funniest porn scenario to me that I see, that I watch the video but it doesn't turn me on, is you've been steal- I caught you stealing. Have you ever seen that one? Oh my god, it's like, it's so-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's like the employee is like, you're my new employee and she's like, I'm your new employee. And he's like, did you steal something? She's like, I don't think I took anything. How would I have taken something? And he strips them down. And of course they have something like, like insane. It's like a laptop that she stole in her, like in her, you know, in like her jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I saw you stole this. He's like, I'm gonna have to punish you. I'll do anything. And you're like, it's such a poor, poorly written scenario. Cause scenarios now are getting, like they're either,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Insanely good and they turn me on or they're just so bad and so shitty and creepy like the brother-sister shit. Yeah, I don't know. People love it. It's fucking everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I open up, I open up Pornhub, any of those, right away. Stepbrotherfuckstepsister and the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God. About making lunch. I haven't come to any of those videos today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not a- I think it's just a- people love naughty. I think- Super taboo. Taboo. It's not even the idea that they would never fuck their sister. Ever. Gross. Disgusting. But then they see that and they're like, it's so wrong. Like it's wrong to wa-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like this guy. It's a great goatee. In the world of goatees, he's got it, that's the one. He's got a cute little butchin underneath there, so the more hair is growing in the crevice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like friend of a friend type of shit. Don't really know her that well. A lot of flirting. Uhm, I thought, real horny, I'm gonna send you this penis pic. Uh, got no response and got, uh, nothing ever again. I think it was an indication of my, my lack of skill. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she saw it. Ghost. Yeah. Not a cool penis. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I painted a little face on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for sure. I don't like shy town either, that bothers me so much. Really? We don't say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what are you doing? Yeah. Yeah, Illinois. Nope, it's not. Yeah, Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They throw it in. Why? I don't know. I think because Chicago sounds so dumb. I don't know. People's of Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it sounds like the- Did they say it in the city? No. Yeah, but in Chicago, it's such like a thick, like Chicago is such a thick accent that the A's, depending on what part you're from, so they say Chicago, ah, the emphasis is all on the ah, but when people say Chicago, it sounds like ah, ah there, Chicago. That's where it comes from. Yeah, Chicago. Chicago. Chicago. Yeah, but people in the city, Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like the mo- it's the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost as bad as like hearing a woman with a Boston accent. That's the most unattractive. That is. Ugh. I did my half hour for Comedy Central in Boston, and when I left, some girls like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I'm trying to do a Boston. She's like, my friend thinks you're cute. And I was like, yeah? And she goes, yeah, my friend wants to fuck you. And I'm not, I'm not making this up. I had a slew of people around me. I go, thank you very much. So my girlfriend's right there, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Chicago girls. You like it? She says, no, it's terrible. Oh, it's terrible. Yeah, because Chicago's got this like, this like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just sounds so dumb. Like you guys wanna go out and fuck around and party? It's like this weird, it sounds, you sound dumb. It sounds dumb. It's not, it's not hot. I don't think there is, I don't even, the southern accent's not good for me either. I don't know what chick broadcast English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's your, uh, wife from? Denver. Okay. They talk like us, just like regular ass old people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what my, my dad's from North Carolina. And that's so, but that's fun. Those are fun accents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, come on. Come on, boy. Christina. Is he from, he's from Carolina? Yeah, he's from this small town called Valdez. Oh yeah. It's about, it's like this big. Everybody over there, boy. Andrew. I was gonna say, Andrew. Well, I was Hollywood, boy. Shout out to Randolph County.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good out there, huh? What's up in Hollywood? Girls swimming pools. You doing drugs? You don't do drugs? No, I don't, no. That's really how he talks? That's how the family talks. He doesn't. He's lived in Chicago for so long, he doesn't. But everybody else up there? Hollywood. Look at you, fancy boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll agree that that's the worst of all the ones, but that's not even like a regional thing, that's like a cultural made up thing. It's not even from a place, it's just kinda like people have made up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I can shit on every accent, like San Diego's tough, I can't like- Dude, that'd be a great-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] San Diego's fuckin' like, uh, we were down there fuckin', we were fuckin' ripping, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Supposedly is tough. Yeaah. Or, or, uh, uh. Expecially?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Patty Corner, right? See, I say Kitty Corner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, clean up the plates. Yeah, stop fucking around. I had, this is a crazy situation, I have to tell you. This happened two days ago. I'm walking home, back, uh, in the neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A water balloon almost hits my wife in the face. What? Like an inch. You're walking in your neighborhood? Walking in the neighborhood. Water balloon almost hit. And you know those big McMansions that are all around West Hollywood? Okay, so there's like three in a row on my street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I mean, I'm talking like literally just breeze past her. And I was like, what the fuck? I look up, lights are off, lights are off in this other home. And I'm like, it came, you can just tell, you know, you know where it came from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go to the first house, you know, bring the doorbell, you know, she's like, come on, let's go. And I'm like, no, fuck that. Fuck. Like I'm, I'm on one. I'm like, no, this guy comes out and I'm like, you got kids that live here, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy's like, what? No, he barely speaks English. No, I go, kids, do you have kids? No, no, no. Go to the next house. Ring, ring, ring. I see lights going on and off, and I'm like, pfft, they're there. I know they're there. Finally ring again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guy gets on the intercom, uh, can I help you? I said, you got teenagers that live here, man? He goes, yeah, why? I go, my wife almost got hit in the fucking face with a water balloon. He goes, what? Hold the fuck on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not kidding. I fell in love with this guy instantly. He comes outside, comes to the gate and he goes, are you fucking serious? And I go, yeah. She almost hit her in the face, man. That's fucked up. I mean, that could have really fucked her up. I mean, it was from a two-story roof. And he goes, you want to scare the shit out of my kid? And I go, yeah, sure. Okay. He goes, hold on. He comes, goes upstairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you know, like, skin and bones, and his little tiny Asian friend who's probably just never, ever been in trouble in his entire life, and he comes downstairs, and he's got, he's pushing him towards me, and he goes, tell him what you did. Tell him what you did. And the kid's like, uh, we threw, and I go, did you throw a water balloon at my wife?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, yeah, I did, I did, and I go, you apologize to her face right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so sorry, I mean, you can tell he's like breaking down. And then his dad goes, you know what I told him? And the kid's like, huh? And he goes, I told him he could hit you once. And I didn't know he was going to throw that at me, so I'm kind of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even as a stand up, I was like, oh shit, that's funny. Yeah, that's very funny. And I go, I go, yeah, he did. He said that to me. And he goes, yeah, I told him he could hit you one time. And the kid is look, I mean, he's genuinely like, cause his dad did not look like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His dad looked like a fucking tough piece of shit too. Like his dad was a punk motherfucker who's like, yea I told him he could hit you in the face, both of you. And he's like, no, but we're sorry. And then he's like kinda hiding behind his dad like, no no no. And I go, come out here, come outside, come outside the gate. And he goes, do it, do what the fucking man says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And at some point, I'm like, I have to stop doing this. My wife is giving me like the, this is fucking insane. He pushes his son towards the edge of the gate and I go, I go, give me your hand. And he's like, give me your hand. And he gives me his hand and I shook his hand. I go, don't throw shit at people anymore. He was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so after he sends a kid, after he sends a kid inside, I give him a big handshake and, you know, we're talking a while, you know, and I was, he goes, thanks for doing that, that helps me sometimes, da da da, you know, he's like, I don't know, these fucking kids to control these fucking assholes. I was like, dude, I was a punk piece of shit when I was a kid, but he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I mean, you could, he, you watched him go through the waves of like, panic, like genuine fear, like actually feelings like scared, like hurt, like gonna cry type of shit. You watched him go through all those as a teenager, like, cause you're, when you're doing dumb shit as a teen, you don't think about anything. You're like, we're just fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It keeps escalating. It's normal though. You're testing boundaries. What can I get away with? How much shit can I fuck up? Sure. Oh man, I was such a punk fucking kid. We used to garage hop. You know what that is? What's that? That's such a Midwest. People in the Midwest leave their garages open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, you know, cause they, they drove their car home and they're doing something in or outside, coming and going. They just leave it up. Yea, we would go in there and steal whatever they had in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beer mostly is what you're hunting for, cause in the Midwest most people have fridges in their garages. So you just hunt for beer and then also if there's some other shit, take it all. Just take everything you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you have to let them get checked publicly, that's cool. I don't know why he trusted me, because I don't, I don't, I look like I have it together. But for some reason, like, what a bad move if he's like, go ahead and hit my kid, I'm like, fuck yeah, I just knocked out his kid. What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In and out a little bit, uhm, uhm, in Chicago, right here on the, on Chicago, I go back to Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to be at the Bee Kitchen playing two shows on Friday night doing my own thing. Cause I played venues there and it's home for me. So I was like, I'm just going to do my own little thing. Good for you. Yeah. So I'm doing that, uh, Friday, Friday the 21st. That's this week. And then the neck, the following weekend, the 26th in September, I'll be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's on Showtime. Yeah, you can watch it on Showtime. If you don't have Showtime, I've ripped it on my Twitter. Go to my Twitter. Yeah, because Showtime has this weird, you know, they don't let-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever. What's it, uh, called? Home Field Advantage. Home Field Advantage. I shot it in Chicago. But yea, go rip it off my Twitter if you don't have show time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't give- I was like, fuck. Cause I asked them. I was like, can I have permission, dude? You guys hide this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People need to see it. If it's not on Netflix, it's like, I don't think they know. That they're like, it's hard to find. So they were like, no, we can't give you clips or anything. So I ripped it myself and I was like, go ahead, fine. Actually, it's not on my account. Somebody else's YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad's nuts. My, my, my dad's nuts. Oh no. My dad's nuts. My, my, my dad's nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. It's her idea. Who's taking you up on that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope. What's the maintenance of that microphone between? There's no maintenance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's specialized. There's a specific mission where I was like, is it unidirectional? Oh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I said 12, I think I had B. Single digits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I think I was even younger than that. Back when the double deck, the double deck. Christina, you hear that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, which means I made some mac and cheese and I made a can of Amy's chili and I just mixed them together today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I look at all the half hours now and people are like, the audience was great, everything was great. I'm like, I hated it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even remember the process leading up to it. No? I think I was in a high time of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was kind of, uh, not unappreciative, but I knew like nobody. Did it change anything for you? Nobody watched him. I don't know, because then you look at the collection of your career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like where you were then, where you are now. So who knows which one of those things led to the next thing. I'm glad I got to do it, but nobody saw those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, it wasn't, no, that wasn't miserable, it was just, you got one taping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. We didn't get two tapings. And then when it's your first big TV thing, like now I know that, oh, I screwed that up. I'll do it again. I'll just tape it again and I tell the audience, like, just don't worry. I got this. You'll laugh again because I screwed up the words and it's fun. And this was the first thing. Everything's going to be perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it was more not knowing how to deal with it. That's why I thought we did it with Fulcheron. Yeaah, Jay Larson. Yeaah, Fulcheron was putting it, I was in the booth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was like a regional stand-up competition that Comedy Central had. So like the Midwest would have one and you'd submit and they'd get ten people to do like the Chicago Zanies and the winner from that and the winner from the Texas one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that you could get on premium blend. That was the first step. Remember before half hours? For sure. It was premium blends and they were saying the top three people, top three winners of the laugh riots would get a premium blend spot. Well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did so bad on that show, I know I came in dead last because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not only did the top three winners, nine people got on premium blend from that show except for me and I bombed so bad and then I got, I just drank all the free drinks I could backstage until the venue closed down and I had just moved to LA like a week before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Denny's, but with open-toed, a lot of open-toed sandals. Uh, so we stopped at a Norm's parking lot to, to buy Coke, and she like, she was a bigger gal, so she had to hoist herself up out of her Civic to go to the other car to buy drugs, and she just beefed, like, just like didn't rock for it, just BWAMP!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, like Jamie Kennedy hosted it and he was drunk before the show even started. So he was like screwing up people's names. And then like the people, like you could tell who the favorite, like the in town favorite was. And again, I get in my head before I even do a set and you could tell the crowd was kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Checking out already, like talking to each other. I'm like, here's my pro- I didn't know how to hang out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, here's the bits that got me here and I'm gonna say them how they're supposed to be said with no finesse or like relaxing into it. And I was just like, I'm there and I'm done. Okay, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know how, like, I'm not built for, like, you guys and all the fat jokes and have just opened the world of inside jokes up to everyone. I don't like any of that stuff when somebody, like, I'll shave my beard, like, this is pretty short, but I'll shave it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so many people, just strangers are like, hey, you know how you normally have a beard? You should grow that back right away. I'm like, just tell me my face is ugly. That's what you're saying. I sent you a picture of your face. Yeah. And I know what it looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a fun Burt. Fun Burt dropping N-bombs. Fun Burt at a Clint meeting. Oh, you got a soundbite? I do. I have it somewhere. Did you tell- oh. Yeah. Of Burt dropping?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyway, yea, I was never part of that whole scene, but people just tell me, like, you're a comedian, Burt's fat, I'm like, alright, man. I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll drop in on like, like new specials, but then I'm watching it just to hate it, and that's not the way to go about it. That's always how it is, right? Yea, I've been watching the Americans, I don't watch any comedies. That's a great show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever live your lives now knowing that your kids could go through the archives?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do jokes about my folks, I don't think they're mean, but even after the show I have to ask my parents like, it wasn't mean, was it? Oh, I'm doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't tell, I won't tell my mom, like, how much I make or anything, but she's always asking me, like, how, but how was, how were your bills? I'm like, I'm fine. I know it doesn't make sense that I tell jokes, and I'm fine, but you know, but the mean stuff, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean I've argued with it, but I like my parents. My thing every year is every Mother's Day I send her flowers, but the message, only because I know the florist has to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, sometimes I do like, hostage notes. Or I've done like, threats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think your balls would be a raisin cake because they look raisiny and they're like a little low. That's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not only do I not find it attractive, but what's wrong with you? Like I'm glad, but the fact that I would even have to know what my butthole would be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm pretty decent about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it the same time every morning kind of thing? If I throw some coffee in there, yea, I'll get it. Yea, me too. It's coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, uh, I scare my girlfriend first because I do this thing called like a Tongan Death March where I'm just kind of slapping my stomach. She's like, what's going on? I'm like, I'm drumming up business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had like, I truly thought that I was like, getting it all to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking burger king down, or burger time down. Yeaah, yeaah. Into the right position. Oh yeaah. Yeaah. I'll do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, when I'm camping or something, I'll go, I'll do a lot of like mountain biking up in the woods and there's something, something you gotta, alright, we gotta do this here. Yeah. We gotta handle this business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause that's not something I would talk about, like, in my scrum. That wouldn't be a topic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want, I want to preserve something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that it's not, it's just fat, uh, recognition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's the only thing that the better you are at it, the more obnoxious it is. You want somebody to be like, look how good I can whistle. I think now that the retaliation is to just shittily whistle something else with that person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I agree that public whistling, uh, should be forbidden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know if this guy should punch her in the chest, but I see, I understand his rage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stabbing at it, and that's where I'm like, I'll give, I'll give a look first. Like a turn around, like you know my head's attached to this. And then I'm just like, hey man, it's a touch screen. You just, you just have to go. It's by the heat of your finger, not the pressure. Go a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does she wrap around you? No, no, no. I like it a bad way, but like pounce. Keep you in check. Like flinch me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make me flinch. Huh? Yeah. I like that. A lot of that. Really? Yeah, I love it. I'm sorry. It's very attractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do? I mean I don't have a lot, I don't have, I have a couple shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got 20 million dollars. Don't be a hater, pal. I mean, I appreciate his humility.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you, uhm, so it's in a caption. Uhm, alright. So he posted that picture. Go ahead. On, on my 12th Mercedes Benz. Like, like as a hot dog eating contest. Yea. I'm on my 12th one. I keep fucking these things up. Born in Las Vegas, you could stop there. Yea, I know. He's got a lot of houses. Yea, where does he usually shop though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does that have to do? It just shows you he's always shopping, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Worth a good- A good 350. 350 million, not counting the house I live in. Prefer eating pussy from the back. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this guy does throw a little bit like on the makeup and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies, if you have an ass like this and are pure white American born female, not mixed with Mexican or Israeli and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you gotta know what you want in this world. What do you like? Smoker of any kind. Vegetarian. Where's too much makeup? Where's perfume from Walmart or TJ Maxx? Et cetera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the, that, I was always, uh, uh, fascinated with the confident nerds of poker championships. Yes. I know. Of just the swagger of a, of a poker prop. The glasses and the weird. But just, and also like all the, the looks and everything like u-turns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who the fuck is watching this? Well that's what would drive me nuts is like, you know, Matt Bronger and I used to do closed captioning for a living. That was what we'd do for our day jobs. And we'd have to closed caption all those poker tournaments. It's the most infuriating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think anybody does. I think that's how craps exists, is nobody knows what they're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, you're a real funny man, play craps with us. I was like, alright. And I like lost ten bucks. And they're like, I don't have any more money. He's like, don't worry man, gave me a hundred bucks. I was like, wow. I'm like, hey man, I want to take your money. He's like, don't worry about it man, we grow pot. And then he just kept, and he kept touching the table and the lady would have the stick and be like, don't touch the table. He's like, whoa, whoa, sorry man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last time I played craps I was in Vegas and I went to go see Rock of Ages by myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, you know, I'll hang out. I don't care. Rock of Ages, the musical about the Sunset Strip, 80's rock music. And how was that? I was one of maybe 40 people in the entire amphitheater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was singing along and clapping and crying at the sentimental parts. And then the woman next to me who kept kind of spilling my beer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw my mom freak out once, but it was only on my behalf. And it like wasn't racist or anything, like I bought the wrong, I was like a little kid, I thought I was buying like a model.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Younger. She lives here. She moved out here a little while ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard that defense of like somebody in Europe using the n-word, like they're not using it racist, they're using it because they grew up listening to hip-hop and that was like punctuated throughout that. So they don't have like the historical context that you have here in this country, they just say it because hip-hop art doesn't make it right, but the awareness is there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think, like, my parents and our parents' generation was like that with some other words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when they learn that you can't say that anymore, it became this like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if brazil nuts showed up in my house, they showed up because somebody needed a fix. Somebody needed like, you know, we used to call these. I'm like, yes, yes, you'd say it every time brazil nuts are in the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say it with shame, like, you're not gonna believe what we used to call these. I'm like, I will believe it, cause you say that every time you see a Brazil nut. Like, you're scratching an itch right now. Not because there's nothing ill will, it's just the physical compulsion of making the word that you can't anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when you find out your kids are actually funny on their own, right? Like I think my mom would encourage a little bit, like me and my sister, the student driver cars would come by our house and so we would always crash our bikes right behind them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody just made a joke about having a long hair that they're pulling out of their head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know the person that got the sponsorship got fired too from the ad. For sure. Yeah. You wanna get to the kids? This is how you get to the kids. This is how. This was the clip. Okay. Well, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you tell them at the Lamborghini dealership why you had to cancel the order?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even, I got seven remote control cars. That's what I do for fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep stuff out of the butts. Right. For 2.3 million dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If McDonald's is listening now, just like, if you got any of that 2.3 million, it'll take like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have, I don't know what I'd want to do. Are you a traveler? Would you travel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, but I don't, I can't even think of it, like are you at that point that, that either of you grow up with money? No. Yeah. Little bit? Little bit. But to think like, like, oh, just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't even put myself in that head space. Like I'm fine now, but it's just sitting in the bank. Cause I'm like, this isn't a real thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I do, so that money doesn't feel, it feels like, it's like, like a mob thing, like you robbed a bank, like don't spend it, people know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not trying to be humble, it's like there's nothing. I know, I feel the same way. There's nothing I have, like even the stuff I do have that's like, I suck at guitar but I bought some guitars that are nice and I like looking at them. That's fun. And that's like, oh this is a cool guitar and then I play it and like put it down. You're not, don't embarrass yourself. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like, there's uh, OHV spots, like off road, off highway vehicle spots, out in like, uh, Gormans one, but I'll go to Anza Borrego down south, I've been to Utah with it, I've been to Denver with it. That's cool. So I'll put some miles on it, just, just being out, out in the world, sitting out in, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like I don't, like I don't buy, I didn't buy a house or anything. Like I could buy a house, but I'm like, pardon me, likes that I could do comedy without knowing there's nothing they can take away from me if I stop doing comedy. Yeah. Like I don't owe the bank anything. I don't, I owe no money. So if I'm like, you know what, I don't want to do anything for a year. I can do that without worrying about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not doing anything. I'm gonna take a year off and sit on the couch, binge watch the Americans. That's all I'm doing. That's good though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that was a couple, that was two years ago. I was doing my show and then you announced your show and the guy booking my show. He's like, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't worry about it, uh, Tom's show's gonna be real good too, but uh, we'll get a couple people out. We'll get a couple people free. Oh, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fun. Okay, I want to go back to the Lambert game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeep Jeep, like Wrangler Jeep Wrangler. Uh, what do I have, Tom? You have a Jeep Grand Cherokee. Those are nice. And you have the Porsche. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got four? Yeah, yeah, oh I got five, yeah.


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[Assistant] Like, you realize your money's gonna be behind this. Right. And that way they're not pulling it out from under you. Yeah. Like, alright, here, show your cards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a couple years. It's just, it's just us goofing off. It was a way to like plug dates and everything. Yeah, it's perfect. Then we screw off. I don't have the multimedia functions. Yeah. So we can, we can react to watching shit videos on our phones that nobody else knows what's going on. Right. Which isn't for good listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're already sticky. If you look at the baby's expression now to it, kinda really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got all the dates up there. I do podcast stuff. K-I-N-A-N-E. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we play out with the chocolate fart one more time? I didn't know where to look the first time. I would look at the fountain or the butt. I want to look at the baby this time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to see, like, what that, like, I would do that for myself. I would want to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You made such a dad face. Like you were like a dad playing a guitar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when he died, you were very disrespectful. Was I? Oh, you were so disrespectful. You were like, fuck Lou Reed. I don't know what's up with him. I don't give a shit about Lou fucking Reed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were pretty much like that, you were like, fuck that guy, I don't like his fucking shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't like good things, like you don't like good music the way I like good stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So far, we were in the car and there's like two songs in your whole iTunes library that I really like and the rest I'm like, is this real or do they just play this at the mall?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mall music. Like the shit they play in H&M.


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[Assistant] That's the shit that's in your iTunes, like Rihanna or fuckin'...


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[Assistant] Like I know a lot of people like Beyonce, and I don't, I'm ashamed to say I couldn't name more than one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the worst. So our child, our infant was crying at 2.30 in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, being super, super preggers, we sleep upstairs, the baby's downstairs. So I was like, I don't want to get up, go downstairs. It's hard for me to lift him at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The night crying, fit of crying comes and I sleep light, I'm immediately awake, the dogs are up, they're like, who's crying? The whole house is up. Except for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I can't reach over to touch you because I have that pregnancy pillow that I'm encased in and I can't, like, touch you too far from me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I'm like, Tom. Tom. Tom. And I keep getting louder and I go, Tom Segura! Tom Segura!


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[Assistant] Cause you're in such a coma, and thankfully he stopped crying. He put himself back to sleep, but I was like, this is unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hoping that maybe you thought I was referring to a different Tom in the room, and you were like, that can't be me, that's not my Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's so fucking crazy, dude. How deep you are. You're such a deep sleeper. But it's good cause I get up every hour to pee practically and I'm like, oh, I'm just waking this poor guy up all night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you were a little hostile. Was I? Yeah, it was a day for you. It was an off day. I think maybe you were taking it out on Lou Reed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yana's out there listening, uh, if y'all could reference said episode in question. Super fans out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We could dig up that audio, Blue Band, and we could replay your reaction to Lou Reed's death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you know who hates toothpick users?


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[Assistant] Like, since I was a little kid, would point out, look at this fucking asshole with his fucking toothpick, he thinks he's cool. He just had such disdain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, he must have had some early childhood experience with toothpicks that stuck with him.


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[Assistant] They got their summer dog haircuts today. That's on my Instagram if you want to see.


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[Assistant] Well, that's true. But, uh, they look so stupid, we cut their hair short.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does sound like slam poetry when he reads these descriptions, no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I can't wait until Skinner dies and you start crying rivers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You play, we're parking in driveway, remember a couple days ago, and you're like, this is Leonard Skinner. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you'd probably cry. Cause I remember, you know, every time I hear one of your garbage musics like that in your iTunes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I imagine you in college in South Carolina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was this one Italian guy, I don't know if I've told the story on this show, I don't want to say his name, but he was an Italian foreign exchange student on our hall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he washes peener off in the old boy's bathroom or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a racist. Guys, we need to boycott Lou Reed, he's a racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, are we mocking the black female homeless community? How dare they?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet he used a gender-specific restroom before he read that, too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hitler, Zack, I see your logic, however, it is flawed. Because we all know that he's trying to sing, staying alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The no neuropathy guy. I'm talking like a hang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys go to a coffee house and you have just a cup of coffee and you have to talk and listen to what this guy says. It's either the known neuropathy four strokes or the try it out guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or better yet, you're stuck on an airplane. And it's a cross-country flight. And who are you sitting next to? Tried out or no neuropathy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but here's the problem with this guy, the known neuropathy guy, is that I have a feeling he's gonna be fixated on this subject and you're gonna have to hear about it the entire flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's freaked out but he might have tangent- tangential thoughts and like interesting stuff. He's gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I take the try it out guy. What? Well I don't want to hear about him jacking his dick for fo- he's only gonna talk about dick jacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that guy is clearly singing a version of a song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't recall, but I, you know, we've been astounded by couples that don't fart and don't brown. We don't brown in front of each other, that's the last boundary we've maintained really. But we talk about it constantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I personally, look, it's not so much about the farting per se. I feel like it's an intimacy barrier. Like if you're not farting in front of each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were just talking about that. We played a clip of Lou Reed reading, uh, porno descriptions. And I can just see the social justice warriors being like, we gotta zoom his body and stab him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that that girl, the accuser, just wrote like a blog, essentially. Like it wasn't even a vetted...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, why not just suspend stuff and investigate instead of just ruin a dude's life without any investigation at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, look, and I'm not questioning the validity of her claims. I'm not questioning factual whatever, but at least for the public's sake, you know, at least if it's in print, they have to vet these people. Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but to not even, uh, explore the claim and make sure that they're right and that she's of sound mind and that this is true. It's just like off, you know, it's McCarthyism. It's a form of, uh, social McCarthyism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what the problem is, is that there's no sense of context anymore. It's like, you said the word that nobody likes and now you're in trouble. You did the thing that nobody likes and it's like, what about context?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's saying the motivation is because the leadership is so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's absurdity. Yes, exactly. Wait, so you're saying like, oh, the victim comedian that's like doing the whole, I, this thing happened to me and I'm the victim and then how, but then it's how dare you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm trying to think of when this started and I'm texting with a friend of mine who's a professor at a university and he says to me today that the students are now asking him to give them trigger warnings in his lectures and asking if they can read their own books because they don't want to read what's being assigned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So stringently that now they're adults and they don't understand how the real world functions because their parents have fucking mollycoddled them and put helmets on them and made everything safe and secure and now they're in the world and they can't fucking deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how do you know what's a safe thing and what's not gonna trigger somebody? Let's say I one time choked on cookies as a child and you mentioned that you had cookies for lunch and now I'm triggered the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're an Xer, you're on the, you're on the last year of X. Gen X, Gen X.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but you know, you're never relaxed because the whole day you're thinking about your show that night. You're never really, you can't do anything you talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, who would be an uglier woman? You or Tom? Ari or Tom? Who's the uglier trans woman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but your bro- like your shoulders are bony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a question for you, Ari. Would you, if you're super broke, would you, uh, sell your shit to somebody? Like, would you shit in his bag and then like sell it to somebody? Or would you shit through a hole in a hammock and let that person eat your shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting, so it's an accidental thing and then you're like, oh wow, this is a doorway to something I'm really interested in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And I just. Oh yeah, I forgot your crew. Yeah, that was goth. Uh, I just spaced out watching easy stitch commercial. My parents ended up coming to the party and taking me home. Like you just kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, sorry, I just have to back up. So you go to these festivals, like you go to Coachella.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you kind of, there's an initial bout of blood and then it's, then it slows down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, wait, wait. You gotta try maxi pads or a small tampon. Try a maxi pad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But seriously, can you please try a maxi pad or a small tampon? I will. I will. Do you have one? I'll give you some before you leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can just have like a flyer, like I'm looking for a girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well what do they do? They just put on their nice couture gowns and then swim around with each other and then look at each other? That's the whole point?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what it just anchors me that it's adults, like grown people wasting their time with this horseshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just thinking about Janet Pinkett Smith the other day. I remember when her children were younger and she was, they were starting to push them into show business and she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 11, 10. Yeah. And she's like, there is so much talent in our house. We are so talented. Like, and I just think now that I'm a parent and I'm like, I couldn't even imagine pimping my children at all. That much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you put Reigns on Will Smith? I mean, he's like the hottest dude, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Negative. I mean, I'd say wait until you're 18, at least until you're.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially now, I mean, my goodness, you put something up on YouTube, people shit on you, it's like, it's horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It was so hot too. No, I look cool. I look cool. I hope it. Yeah. I'm excited to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you've had any kind of erectile disorder problems,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know she needs a comb. You know it's gonna make her happy. It makes me happy to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Won't you let Mike come to your home and comb that hair out of your grandmother's face?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you let me come to your home and pet the dog? No. You know the dog needs it. It makes him happy. I'm happy to pet the dog. It's a win-win situation. Let me come to your home and pet that dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me at $23.95. If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Free food, free rent, and everything else, man. He has a deal, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dick wet profile. Dick wet profile should be different. Definitely different. I think my bro's right on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so first off, your video froze for me, so I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see that, I'm sorry. That's not, that's not a big deal though. Uhm, but yeaah, I mean, it just started off...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, just the acoustics in the hospital lobby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, I let one rip one day, you know, and didn't want to hold it in any longer and, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The acoustics just, you know, gave it this life, this, you know, volume. And so the next time it happened, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Paul Flart moniker, you know, which was just fantastic and I'm a security guard. I got the haircut. They got the mustache fat, you know, all the, all the key things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we just, you know, boom, went with that. I started posting the videos right to the Instagram. Uhm, it's been about six months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love food. Like food is my thing. I love to cook. I love to go out and eat food, you know, all that. So I would just hope that, you know, the amalgam of crap that I ate would produce, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With nothing, nobody knew, nobody saw it, heard it, smelt it, anything. It was just, you know, me doing my thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until, until it got picked up by, uh, I think Barstool Sports on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, last Sunday night and my Instagram just blew up. I went from 500 followers Sunday night to 5,000, uh, by like midnight that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so uhm, keeping the content going is number one for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just try to keep, people love it, why not, why not keep giving them what they love, regardless of anything else, money or what not, that content needs to keep going. I've got the Patreon set up, which I'm still not 100% on how all that works and how to use that accurately and efficiently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, it's probably already locked down. Somebody, the amount, like the internet, you know, as you guys know, is a crazy, crazy place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's PaulFleur.com is definitely taken already. Uhm, I could probably get that from whoever owns it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, what's crackin', what's crackin', what's crackin' out there? Hey listen, black, white, brown, Asian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May 31st in the Belly Room Comedy Store. Sold out! Sold out. That's it. That's, uhm, running my Netflix set right before I go tape at June 4th. In, uh, what's Las Vegas for us? Can you turn it on? Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, taping for that's for the Netflix special, the degenerates, if you want to come see that taping for free, go to Christina P online, use the promo code your mom and you'll get preferential seating. Just give them a few days to get back to you. It takes a while. It's free seats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uh, the only way you'll get great seating is if you put in the code, your mom and Joey Diaz is on that lineup. They just added Brad Williams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, Jay Ogerson, and fuck, I can't know the other two chicks, the girls, they're on there, I don't know them because they're East Coasters, but it's gonna be a maze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tickets at Christina P Online. Go for it, Tom. It's your turn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, you know what I'm saying? This is so my tribe right now. I'm really feeling it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the flag of? What, uh, former Russia, Soviet country is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it, I mean, it's definitely loud, it makes a lot of statements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hungary too, booming everywhere. The UK, they love that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's too- I don't know, but then again, we like that club music. We- people like- you know people who do drugs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so funny is that as we're sitting here recording now, all I can think about is like, when can we go back upstairs and put the TV on and finish where we left off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Handjob's Tale is really picking up. Thank God there's finally hope. I was about to commit suicide a couple episodes back, so now we're having some hope and I'm stoked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The depraved, the uhm, the outliers, the marginalized shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have an Apple TV, I recommend just going and getting the TLC app and just scrolling through their reality line up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, that's the problem with TLC is they get you empathy. Yeah, like I don't want to be empathetic. I want to laugh. I want to enjoy my fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and the thing is, the interesting part is that the trans part isn't that interesting to me anymore because I feel like we've seen so many shows and we're kind of, we have a better understanding of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's the emotional drama that's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's this one couple, they've been married 24 years. They have, is it three children or four?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Ohio woman, who's like, just the most normal. Oh, they have two kids. Okay, they have two children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the best part is that, like you said, when he's flipping the pancakes and she's like, I've never been on my own before. And he's like, yep, it's going to be tight. Not a lot of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's this other woman who's this really educated, like, engineer and she's in her fifties and, uh, and she doesn't understand trans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's the best. Because you know that everybody in, not everybody, but that that generation probably empathizes, like, shares her point of view on it. That it's kind of voluntary maybe, and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like my dad would probably be like, yeah, this guy's choosing to be a woman. Come on, buddy, you know, you're choosing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just don't have like the same empathy and understanding. So to watch her spiral has just been fantastic too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then her friend comes over who's like the know-it-all and who's intervening in their marriage and you're like, bitch, why are you into anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, uh, I am not a lesbian. I don't like. I'm not gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I love, but I, you know, cause I really do think about this seriously now that we're watching, like, I love you so much that I would stand by you clearly and I'd be like, okay, well, we'll transition you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can live with us and raise our kids, but like I may have to have a boyfriend. I may have to step out. What the fuck man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we can't do it anymore. You're not a man. You'll, you're gonna transition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm serious. You're not meant to be a woman. Like your shoulders are too broad. You have so much hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine? Although the hormones will make the hair fall out, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd be horrendous as a woman. What would you do if I was like, I'm a man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, they live in the cul-de-sac where everybody knows everyone's business. And she's really trying to hold it together with him, even though he's transitioning and you can tell she's just eating those feelings. Like she's getting fatter and fatter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I got, uhm, check out these milkers. These are tits. So far so good, Tom. I call this one Milwaukee and this one Green Bay. These are ripe for all your dairy needs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at this bitch over here. She got some tiny little hungry tits. Damn bitch, you got a gluten allergy or something? Eat a sandwich, skinny little bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, you think this is my voice? Like this is how I tell jokes? Yes. This is your impression of my accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, you're looking up here at these big old tits and you're wondering is that the only big thing on her? Nope, I got a big puss too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could park an F-150, a Silverado, and a Ram in there and let Motor Trend decide which is the truck of the year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, you're killing, you can't just stop. Okay, okay. Oh yeah, my second kid is about to wreck this shop. My pussy is in the twin towers and these babies are hijackers number one and two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Al-Qaeda, you done fucked up downtown again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, the jokes are actually pretty well constructed. I'm, I'm upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got some tiny little hungry tits. Damn bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, just from what I'm hearing, you want me to focus more on my tits?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, this is really great. See what I'm gonna do, I'm just gonna practice tonight and see if it goes well and then I'll let you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, not to eat a sandwich, you skinny bitch, or the yogurt line's great. And how about Milwaukee and Green Bay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, those are, uh, oh, those are, right, dairy towns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I can see good joke writing. I mean, the structure's really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little, it's a little black sounding for me. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You done, you fucked up downtown and traffic's fucked up again. Thanks. That was really special. Thanks, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta come back and really use it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and can I tell you, Drew, he's been asking me to eat his scrum for the last- What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well mom, much like when he watches videos of people getting injured, why instead of empathy does my husband laugh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they, they film his reaction after he's been hurt. Now, I think the audience feels safe to laugh because we know he's okay. You know he's gonna get medical treatment even if he cracks a rib or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you why this makes me laugh? My mother, who was mentally ill, ironically worked for a psychiatrist growing up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we would get these calls in the middle of the night, um, that, hey, one of the patients is running down the street, called the pet team. And so I knew from a very early age, like, this kind of stuff. And like, it just, it tickles me in an area from childhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh gosh, yes. Oh boy. Processed. Aye, aye, aye. Uhm, so PCP. That's what we're thinking on this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was going to tell you, it's kind of a side net, it'll derail. I was listening to a podcast about the Me Too movement yesterday and there's a, you know, millennials and she goes, before the podcast begins, she goes, I just want to give a trigger warning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, so they are sexually active, I mean they're not just a bunch of puritans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, I actually have empathy for these people too, and I feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm a seven month pregnant lady. I walk in and I'm like, I'm using your bathroom. I don't even fucking ask. I'm like, it's happening, dude. I dare you to tell me no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They smoke and drink constantly in that show. Makes me crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So emphysema, they're mystery, mystery solved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Diabetes. And that's why he's so geeked to have a big hard dick. From a little limp dick to a big hard dick. Now what's with a thick hot cum? Why is it so thick and hot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's four stroke gang. I mean, it's a guy on meth telling you to jack your dick four times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, may I explain to Dr. Drew why I'm opposed to the four stroke gang as a piece of merch? You're Xing out half of our audience. There's no woman with normal mental faculties that wants to wear a four stroke shirt. Oh really? Okay. Am I right? Hello, let's ask Susan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I do think, Drew, that our audience, we do have women that are that down, before they get down. That they would self-initiate this time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Minneapolis this week, April 4th through 6th, uh, at the Acme Come On You Club. And then May 10th through 11th, Tempe, at the Tempe Improv. Uh, May 31st through June 1st, Flappers Comedy Club here in Sperm Bank, California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then June 20th through 22nd and Washington Dick Cum at the Dick Cum Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you haven't seen it, I have two Netflix specials under the name Christina P. Just the letter P so I don't have to spell my horrible last name. I have my hour, mother, inferior, and my half hour, the degenerates. Also, ride or die t-shirts for sale at our store. What is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. Oh, Washington, Dick, uhm, 620 through 22, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, why don't you just eat that in the terminal? Eat that. You don't want to eat that sitting next to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you wanna know is even nastier when you're getting your time massage and then the waft of curry goes through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you see like ten people eating out of their Tupperware.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't microwave the curry. How is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you what though? I was thinking about it. It's because I've been in the haze of raising children for the last-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four years of toddler and baby land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit of Gina in my life. What's that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I love that one! That guy is so clever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My life isn't cool, it's like this, and then my children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the best part is that it's Dr. Drew approved. It's science. It's medicine. This is not a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is the person who's the repeat offender, the oblivious person that does the same behavior everyday that is infuriating, and this is like the final finish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I used to have this girl when I worked in cubicles. I was selling telemarketing time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Josh and- Love that show. I know, so do I. I tour through them all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guys in the booth and everybody was saying that, see I thought the girl, the love interest in you, the blondie, I thought you guys all had it for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so explain it to me, so she's not the ideal woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, she's not like cool, actually. She doesn't really treat him so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was, you know, peachies, peaches? Peaches, yea. The guys in the back were in the peaches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now why is that, so what do you like about her over the lead girl? What's the appeal to PG?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great. Okay, moving along, we have some other topics. We, we took our overnight. We did our mommy daddy hotel stay overnight. Uh, I recommend that to anybody that has children, if you, if you can. Yea, what you do is you call, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, hold on. First of all, I took a two hour nap. Let's talk about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we went to dinner and it was a, you know, patio seating. And in Los Angeles, right now the weather is on the border of being acceptable to eat outside at night. So there's heat lamps. And I asked to be sat under the heat lamp, because I'm very cold. And they turned it up nice and high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, when you're crying about how hot you are, so you're wearing a sweatshirt, first of all, Yana, let the record show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. And it felt great. So here's the deal, man. So you were sat next to me and then you say, I'm hot. And then I go, okay, so then move away so that you don't, you're sitting. And then so you sat across from me. So now you're as far away from the heat lamp as you can be. And I thought that would solve the problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he gets mad at me because of my, my cold threshold is low. And then we were driving in the car yesterday to the country club, aka the mall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I drive a Jeep Cherokee because I don't like going fast, okay? But I was in your Jeep Cherokee! I'm driving to the mall and back, that's my life, I don't do fucking anything, okay? So, I like to drive the speed limit, I go slow, I listen to my radio, you know what I mean? And then for you to get in my car and do your race car driving,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was very ti- I don't like it, it's startling, I like to go slow. Listen, let me tell you something. I just renewed my license online. Why? Because I have no moving violations, I have no tickets, I have nothing. I get that privilege because I'm a safe traveler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we went to the country club yesterday and, um, walking around and we made a few observations. Number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We saw, we always make fun of that store as we walk by it. The Tommy Bahama store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Official dad status. And that's really what Tommy Bahama is all about, catering to the official dad market.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like you, you've pretty much given up, right, if you're wearing like a Tommy Bahama floral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, I didn't know how much is a tummy. Can you bring up a shirt so we can see, so the audience can see what we're talking about in case they don't know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's why my stepdad was into it. Yeaah. Now it makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but go to the floral. That's like the tip of the dad burg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the button downs. That's what my, uhm, stepdad loved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Margaritaville. That's the dad who's like listens to Kokomo and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But hey, I give it, I give it you're right. I like what you're saying that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're, you know, listen, I just had, you know, I'm eight months now postpartum, and when you're heavier than you normally are, it's important to dress up, even if you're in the process of losing weight or whatever. Uhm, but really brought us to the point


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That uhm, we were talking about, I was telling you how I'm still kinda not in the body that I'd like to, I'm still losing weight. And uhm, and how everyone hates their bodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody. Even, I was in H&M and there was this adorable 20-something year old girl trying on a shirt with her friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, I don't know, I look fat. And I said this to her, like as a mom, like a total mom, I was like, I go, sweetie, I'm overhearing you, you look amazing. You're so pretty, just buy the damn shirt. I said, just do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, we all kinda, I do now because I go like look what my body made, it made two wonderful humans that we adore more than life itself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I love your tushie this morning. Your tushie's adorable, I was looking at it. Thanks babe. I love your twig and berries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you wish you could tell your 20 year old self, cause even when I was 20 and I weighed nothing and I was super skinny, I still was like, nah, I'm still fat. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you wish you could tell your 20 year old self like, hey, you think you're fat now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's a bummer. Someone asked me if I was pregnant yesterday, that felt good too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's heating up her curry in the back room. Or she sleeps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you love that we have this show? We don't have anybody telling us what we can and can't say. You know what? Ask McDonald's. That's all I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever think your wife's a dumb bitch? Something like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so excited about the Spanish Tom. I'd like to see more of Spanish Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, that's very problematic, and I'm very offended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you've said that before, that growing up in Florida, especially in Miami.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the first time I was sexually harassed, I was like, uh, 11 or 12. And it was like this Latin dude I went to school with and he was like, he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, damn girl, you got a body that just won't quit. And I was like, eleven. And I was like, what? I don't even have a body yet. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like impactful, it's not really a word and then enough people say it and it becomes a word. It is a word. It is now, it wasn't, uh, ten years ago. Swear to God. Now, back to the most important thing at hand, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but here's what I hate too, is like you're watching a talk show and the young ingenue is there and the host goes, oh you're a singer? Sing us something!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're forced to sing without any music or any preparation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate that, it makes me so uncomfortable. Then the person has to sing on cue. That's like someone like, I'm a comedian, tell me a joke, and you're like that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kevin, what are you acting on these days? You're always acting on some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn it. And then I got, yeaah, I fell out of it just cause we got so busy with kiddos and life and stuff. But you're so fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very rare that I fall in love with a show and I loved Masters of Sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, and I know that my husband just did his first set in Spanish last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you grew up here in LA, and you listen to K-Rock, right? Yeah. Sunday Nights, Love Line, was that Sunday Nights? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I, but he was on, cause I follow him on Instagram, he was just on Instagram being like, I'm on a new diet, gotta get my abs to pop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's kind of a, yeaah, that would be unfortunate when you have a change of heart. You know, like you get out of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that's true though. The documentaries I've seen, women hook up quick. You get a prison wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's why I'd have to find a nice lady to take care of me and protect me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they just, yeaah, they just lesbo out. You wouldn't want to turn a bitch out though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but they could use the Slim Jim condom, where they just take the wrapper off the commissary tree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what about these guys that are lifers? Like, you know, we've been watching Love After the Lock Up. That's who's doing it. I know, but you'd think that the prospect of getting butt sexed, butt raped would, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] deter you from wanting to go back. But apparently it's not that horrible if you keep going back and back and back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I imagine it's difficult when you're not eating well. You're not on the keto diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I believe it's called situational homosexuality. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but you got tats. You were saying earlier too, you were like, what would it be like if we were 20 years younger?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's not creepy, isn't that the payoff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the deal, here's where she messed up. There he is. Oh yeah, he's a cute little dude. Look at him! No, he's cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? You don't give it up and then expect the guy to pay. He needs to pay first and then you give up the goodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's what I'm talking about. So she fucked up her damn self.


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[Assistant] That was stupid, that's her fault. Listen, if you're gonna be a hoe, at least get the shit first, and then, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] But boss is nothing, there's two sips in there, that's why he drinks that.


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[Assistant] That's why he drinks it. Well because it's not even really drinking water, it's two sips. You're so selfish. God damn. Add it to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they had a heat lamp and I was nice and toasty under there and he became slowly enraged with my heat lamp needs. However, Yana let the record show that Mr. Segura was wearing a hooded sweatshirt and could have removed the layer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you hate your woman for her temperature needs?


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[Assistant] What if you were to drive faster than she likes?


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[Assistant] He made an abrupt, you made a left turn very quickly, you accelerated into the turn, and then he did 46 and a 35. You were going very fast. And I had to hold on to the handle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I agree, like I've resigned to the fact that my body is- I'm never gonna look the way I did in my twenties.


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[Assistant] But I don't like that decision too of having to dress around your fat. That's the worst.


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[Assistant] I think it's what I want. Yeah. I don't like that too.


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[Assistant] You know what, I don't, I don't want to run up the stairs and feel that tire. Yeaah. That's the one I, that's why I'm like, ugh, I'm too fat.


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[Assistant] Is that right? You think your junk tells your age?


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[Assistant] So to sit naked for a bunch of kids who are laughing inside for seven hours.


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[Assistant] I have to pee really bad. You do? Yeaah. Alright. I drank so much water.


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[Assistant] And did you, uh, I know, I grew up here, I grew up in San Fernando Valley and my first


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friend, there was a chola named Chula, and she taught me how to smoke cigarettes when I was 13. Oh wow, you didn't know how to smoke cigarettes? Not at 13 I learned how to smoke from Chula. And she was like, hey, you wanna hang out with my friends? And I, she goes, you like oldies? And I was like, fuck no, I don't like fucking oldies, like I like Morrissey or whatever the fuck gay shit I was listening to, you know what I mean? But did you listen to oldies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're working your day job, and you're in showbiz. You're on a TV show, so you're successful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you're on your way, you're living your life, you're, you're going.


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[Assistant] But here's the thing, man. It's four years ago that you beat this guy up. How can he be sure he can positively ID you? Do you know what I mean? You change in four years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I'd feel that way about the jurors that put me away. Like when you looked in their faces. Wait, you said you didn't go to your- No, cause I did it!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucked up. Now you mentioned looking fresh, you're like looking tight, right? What's that all about? You started to say that and I was like, let's wait until later. You want to like out-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. And the Persians and the Armenians, that's what I wanna go back to. So you said that the Persians and the Armenians also rule.


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[Assistant] Yeah, in orange is the new black. That's the problem. When they knew they were getting released, the guards would fuck with the girls to try to get them to act out to increase their sentences. It's really fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. So when you're capping on like the food, you know, you're talking shit about like the, you can't talk shit about the COs, right?


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[Assistant] Jesus Christ. Okay. Walk me through your day. So it's 5.30, 6 a.m.


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[Assistant] What do you mean? So to shower alone?


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[Assistant] Now, I'm gonna ask you, what about butt sex? I'm not saying you do it, I'm saying, have you heard, everybody, the stereotype is that rape is the big fear. Every guy I know, the fear of going to prison, I'm gonna get raped, I'm gonna get raped, I'm gonna get raped. So how true is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, wait a minute, you've added that detail. They were purposely disrespecting you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you- Oh, interesting, because he confessed to me. Here's my concern. He's a normal guy, otherwise, one day, because his coffee isn't made right, he snaps, and he kills a guy? That leads me to believe there's a screw loose. He's snorting Saranafen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He needs to be there if he gets locked up. That's what, that was my thinking. Seriously, with calling the cop, like I'm not a fan of calling the cops, I'm sorry, but I did want to be there to raise the kids. Cause if we both get locked up, who's going to take care of these kids?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's why I was like, I'm not gonna help him, cause then I'm gonna get put away.


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[Assistant] We asked Danny Brown when he was here what his favorite snack was in jail. And, uh, he would make prison burritos, which was slim gyms, Dorito chips chopped up, and then you roll them. And then you heat them up and the cheese would kind of melt. Oh, and a cheese stick too. What was your go-to, uh, prison meal? Your jam?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well you had access to good food. He was in jail though. He was in jail, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about like weed though? Do you have access to weed in there? You get everything you need. And you trade what commissary or you put money in the guys commissary account.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's smart. See you guys are so creative and inventive. You're gonna be.


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[Assistant] Wait, let me ask you, so are you allowed to have internet in prison?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's these people that meet their fiancees on the outside. And it's like an online inmate hookup service. So like how the fuck are they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can listen to this shit forever. We have two kids to go home to. That's awesome. How old are your kids? One is three and one is eight months old. Oh shit. Babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been a long time. I think maybe I've done it twice. This is my third time.


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[Assistant] I remember seeing you guys, I remember the first time I saw each of you.


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[Assistant] I think they just get told, like, you have to look better than anyone kind of thing. You have to represent in itself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have friends that work for, for CAA and, and those, and UTA and those giant, like CAA building, you know, we call it the death star. Cause it's just, it looks, and it is, you know, that is like some Darth Vader shit. It is. Yeah. And, and so they, it's this culture of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Win at all costs, which I just can't imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, as you guys know, my, my wife is my ex manager. So it's like, I've, I know stuff I probably shouldn't know about all this stuff. You know, and like, you know, manager games too. I know games, I know games, I know, I know agent games and it's like, I will, I will talk with her. Like when she's like, and she's got a small roster that's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really awesome and stuff. So she's not generally looking for new clients, but like sometimes I'll see somebody and be like, oh, they're great. Or there's someone that's got a lot of heat on them and she'll be like, yeah, I think I'd like to sign them, but this person, this person, this person, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These big dogs are kind of coming in and stuff, and I'll pretend to be them with her and be like, you know, just like how they talk to the client or when she's around. You know, I think Kara's great. I love her. I love her. Here's the thing. My team, that's always the thing. Cause they never talk shit about each other. Not really, but it's this kind of thing of just like, no, no, no, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that, uhm, girl what Godfrey thinks, he's like, you know you're screwed when they say they love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He created a project and sold it with a cousin of mine a couple years ago and he writes video games and writes books and stuff and he's one of the smartest guys I've ever met and us going through the process together, he's like, I don't know how you guys do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how you live like this. And if when you tell me stories like that, it's like I, I'm having like PTSD flashbacks at times where I've been, you know, let go or, or someone's, you know, kind of, you know, you're like, Oh, I think everything's great. And like, that's when the bottom drops out. Always. How do you maintain? Psychologically, this is a horrible business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great, everything went awesome. Crowd was having a good time, which they should. They're a little boozed up, which great, but they weren't over the top. And then that second show where people went to happy hour and stayed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they went, and they missed the first show, and they're in, and you feel like you're strapping on, like, SWAT team equipment, like, backstage, like, uh, here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and like, I've, there was a, there was a lady in, uh, I was just in Montreal this past weekend. There was a lady at one club that was like roped, like her arms were very strong and like tattoos and she has like her hair pulled back and these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys that wanna like, you know, who's gonna throw me out? You, like, if she punches you in the face and you're fighting back tears and getting thrown out, like, it's not good look for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy who thinks he's an alpha male. So he's gonna be like, hey, hey, hey, alright, I'll get out, I'll get out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and just not even that big, just wiry. You know, like strong, you know, built strong. When security likes you, it feels good.