[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long will they allow? That's a good thing. Will you do that research? Let's do the research. Let's find out how long the intro can be on YouTube. I know that the audio audience is asking for an upload of intro only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We could do that, right? I know there's a size limit, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, whatever it is. I mean, I'll sell a fucking kidney. I don't care. Cool. Yeah. I, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I just want to give them what they want, you know? Yeah. I mean, I know that I, when I saw that go up, I was like, it took, it took me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To another place. It was the most joy I've felt in a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the immediate 10 hours. That followed you finding the... Yeah, it must have been, it was within...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10 minutes of it being uploaded. He surprised me, I didn't know it was being uploaded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, that kinda, well what happened to me was, it was probably an hour or so before I was going to go to sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I just listened for about five and a half hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when I woke up, I had about four and a half hours. Now there was a legit critique though. I got to give credit to the people that critiqued it. It says 10 hours and the video is nine hours and 59 minutes and like 50 seconds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So it's a little short. Just wanna say. I just wanna say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forgiven. Maybe next time make an extra one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely, you're definitely in good standing with me now. I think that the main thing is let's figure out this new length. A lot of people were like, man, I really can't wait for the really long version to come out, you know? So we can discuss that. We'll have a meeting and figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so that's that, uhm, Josh, thanks for jumping in here. It's good to have you. No problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before I forget, I don't want anybody to not know this, I mentioned it last week, you are going to be in Seattle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Chop Suey on September 5th, is it? Yes sir, September 5th. Your original show sold out immediately, so we moved you to a bigger venue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're coming with me, uhm, on that run, you're gonna do like Appleton, Peoria, all that, uh, Rochester, Minnesota, all those, and then we're also gonna do Europe together. Yes, October. And if the government allows you, maybe even do Canada with me. Yeah, that's not looking up, but we can talk about that later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, this first video we were watching is a guy- His name is Josh2. Oh right, so Josh is- there's a guy named Josh who's putting up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A, I guess you would, what kind of sign is that? That's the kind of like you see at real, like real estate signs that are tied to fences. Yeah, it's like a, like a vinyl. A vinyl sign. Yeah, like a vinyl sign. It's, you know, it's probably eight feet long, uh, by four feet tall. It's stretched out, you know? And he's tying it to a fence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it seems like the guy he's yelling at was the guy who was putting it up, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude really, I mean I love an outrageous freak out disaster. Uh, you know what I mean? Like inappropriate. In public? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so far, so far it seems like a guy who's making a good point. That he's like, you know what, this is, this is the problem. You're advertising to vulnerable people and it's the wrong place to do it. And it's like, yeah, you know, it's the same kind of guy that's outside of fucking Whole Foods with a clipboard and you're like, go fuck yourself, but like it's fine, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually feel like I've never seen you in anything other than a t-shirt and jeans, right? I've worn, like, uh, flannels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, well okay, but like- And like hoodies, I guess? No, no, no, right. Yeah. That's like an addition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I also remember that on that tour, I was like, what would it take for you to wear a tank top, jean shorts, sandals, and do a set like that? A surf comic. Yea, and you were like, how much would you pay me? And I was like, I don't know, like a thousand dollars. I'll do it right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basketball jerseys. Would you do one fuck-off set where you wear something ridiculous like that? Of course. Yeah? Yeah. Why don't we do it in, on this, like one night, one show. The fair? You can pick any show you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please, exposed, exposed shoulders, exposed arms. Shorts? Will you wear shorts? Shorts are horrifying for the stage. Have you seen a wacko at an open mic wearing shorts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, there's a famous open mic. I think it'd probably make a case for the best open mic in the country, if not the world. It's Mondays at Acme in Minneapolis, sells out. Like people pay to go to it and it's jam packed. And I went one time, I flew in that because the week there starts on Tuesday. I flew in on Monday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went to it, and I did a spot. I mean, it's like a great show. There was a guy on stage, older guy, wearing shorts and like the velcro sandals. The flip flops, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it registers as, this is an insane man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're standing in front of people. Thing is, like, you can't even pay attention to what he's saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When someone dresses like that, it's like if a woman had her tits out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing man? What are you doing? Get your shit together. If you aren't starting out in comedy, let me just tell you right now. Always pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just that. Always. Shoes. Always, closed-toe shoes. Always. Yeah. There's never a case for you to not do that. You're going on stage. Yeah, it's like, it's crazy. You're a crazy person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, wait, now wait, can you read what it says on his arm, uh, Nadav?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Of the vape company. Of the vape, of the vape company. But see, he's got a zip tie in his hand. So that's why I think- Yeah, he was doing the sign. Oh, he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he actually has a, a festival shirt. So this dude is so, but he goes, he went from like semi-reasonable, uh, community member who's just like, this is a problem to, to a ten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I mean that is not how you go, that's not how you talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, this would make me want to go buy 20 vape signs and hang them all over schools.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm actually, so those guys have to know Joshua who's being verbally assaulted. Because normally if you see that, like if you see someone getting it, you're not like, let me go uh, inject myself into this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's borderline crying. He is insane. I feel like maybe a vape killed his dad or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would rather watch that dude bathe in sewage again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was one of the grossest things I've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then see somebody behave, like this actually makes me so uncomfortable. You know? What would you tell that guy if you were stuck? If, well I'd tell the guy yelling? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be hard at this, like once he's like, being super disrespectful to people, to not at least, you know, try to incite violence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This would be like uploading a video of you shitting your pants, you know, as we're trying to ask a girl out or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is interesting, I'll say this, it's somewhat creative and new for a man to call another man a fat ass whore. I would have assumed that that would have been yelled at a woman, you know, cause guys will say that to women. So I'm proud of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so, we gotta say, by the time this comes out, it'll be a while from when we recorded this, just because of, you know, how this show has to be backlogged. But, at this point, we're less than 24 hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, of having the RPC, the Robert Paul Champagne documentary, home here now, uploaded to our YouTube channel. If you listen only to this show, if you're only a listener that downloads the show,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I highly encourage you to go to our YouTube channel, Your Moms House Podcast on YouTube and watch the 30 minute documentary slash interview that Josh Potter did with Robert Paul Champagne in Harlem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there is, there, it was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In less than 24 hours, it got, uhm, about 200,000, uhm, listens, I guess you could say. Uhm, views, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of the highlights of your interview with, with Robert. By the way, so in our world, this broke our internet, right? Like this got, like I said, incredible amount of views for a video of that length. Uh, all the feedback was just over the overwhelming support and joy for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really interesting to me when somebody values items that nobody else does, you know? Like, I guess you normally would think of it as sentimental things, but sometimes people think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know Gary Vee? Yea. He's, he's on this, I see him on Instagram. He's on this kicker that he thinks that they're about to make a huge comeback. Really? Yea, baseball cards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think that's okay. I don't think that'll work out. I, I just feel like he, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would not be willing to part with those. Maybe you could get him to leave them to you in his will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, no, he's great. Uhm, there's so many moments, like, it's all the things that, like, we wanted to know. You ask one of my favorite moments, here's a highlight, that you ask him about drinking piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That really separates the men from the real gays. Yeah, they know, they, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What that really does though, to me, when I hear him say that, is like, that means savages only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did this interview, like what, two feet from you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and his genitals are barely covered by his leg being up. I wonder what would happen if you were to lean forward and just, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, is that, is it so small because of the amount of stuff that's there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, okay, and then here, oh, this is, I think, so many people immediately. Like I said, at this point that this has been out, it's been out less than 24 hours when we're, when we're doing this segment. Hundreds of people messaged about a cockroach that's crawling. I don't know if you saw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think a lot of people, what they were excited about was not to like, I mean, look, roaches are everywhere. It's not like you can't find a roach in a, in any place, but that your nickname also is Roach. Yes. So you were there in more than one form.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were there in June in New York? Yup. I mean there's roaches everywhere. Of course. There's roaches, uh, in any apartment. Uhm, you also got into celebrity talk with him? Oh yes. Uhm, some of the famous men he's been with. Here's an audio highlight of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if Robert was the kind of guy who like, you know, he's, he's so out there with his sexual needs and like, he's like, piss on me, beat me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, just a guy on the street can come in, but he's like, you gotta wear protection. Yea, yea, yea. Like, he's super safe. He is that way, dude. He is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, for me, my personal hardest laugh, I mean it was like intriguing, it's fun, it's entertaining, it's just there's so much going on, but I laugh so hard when you give him at the end merch and he does a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's either perfect placement, like deliberate on his part, or it's a perfect capture of a real moment. Which I think it is. I don't think he's playing the camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's also funny because like, you're just being like, here's some free stuff. Right. But then it builds, he gets a little, he less eye rolls with a free computer. He eye rolls less at a phone, he makes sure Boost, he can work with Boost, and then... I wish I were, I mean, God help them. Everyone's telling me, by the way, they're like, yea, he's not using these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, no, the cash, there was no eye roll. He was like, yep, take that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that was great man. I, you know, people, people flipped out. They, they fucking love the whole piece. You did a great job. Thank you. I think you really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, the main thing I really realized having seen how that went is, uhm, we gotta, we gotta figure out our next, uh, original, you know, piece that we do where we can send you in the field.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't know if we find the moose soup lady. Oh man, I'll go down for some moose soup. Or uhm, you know, smoke some meth with that guy and see how fast you can. I'm down for that too. Uh, or the banadril guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, yeah. Thank you very much for supporting it. Alright, uh, this episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Third Love. Oh, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what that is? Third love uses data points generated by millions of women who have taken their fit finder quiz to design bras with breast size and shape in mind for a perfect fit and premium


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feel. More sizes than most other brands. Third Love offers more than 70 sizes including their signature half cup sizes. You know why? Because every woman out there has a little bit different breast size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't just say, hey, here's four bras. These guys cover them all. More than 70 sizes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, super convenient. Skip the trip. Find your fit. The Third Love's Online Fit Finder. Order and try on at home. No more awkward fitting room experiences.


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[Assistant] The fit finder quiz answers a few simple questions to find your perfect fit in 60 seconds. Over 12 million women have taken the quiz today. It's actually fun, takes less than a minute to complete.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that breast shape matters when finding a good fit. I would think that's a automatic thing to imagine, but apparently some people don't know that. Third love helps you identify your actual true breast size and shape and find styles that fit your body. 100% fit guarantee. Every customer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has 60 days to wear it, wash it and put it in the test. If you don't love it, you return it and third love will wash it and donate it to a woman in need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you man, these companies are doing things above and beyond what we're used to. Third Love's team of expert fit stylists are dedicated to helping you find your perfect fit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] your first order. Go to thirdlove.com slash mom now to find your perfect fitting bra and get 15% off your first purchase. That's thirdlove.com slash mom for 15% off


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is also brought to you by Harry's. Harry's. Harry's Razor. A lot of guys buy disposable razors when they travel, but this summer you don't have to sacrifice


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get high quality products without breaking the bank. Join the 10 million who have tried Harry's. Claim your special offer by going to harrys.com slash mom. Harry's was founded by two regular guys tired of getting ripped off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By paying over, by paying for overpriced gimmicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look man, this stuff is just, it is a racket. Some of those, those razor companies are just tricking us all, man. They're tactics leading us to use


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, inferior products that are charging us way too much. Harry's makes quality durable blades at a fair price. Just two bucks per blade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This summer, refresh your wallet and your face with a Harry's Trial set. It comes with weighted ergonomic handle for an easy grip. Five blade razor with a lubricating strip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a trimmer blade for a close shave. Rich lathering shave gel that will leave you smelling great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a travel blade cover to keep your razor dry and easy on the go. Listeners of our show can redeem their trial set at harrys.com slash mom. If you prefer to shop in store, Harry's razors are also available at Walmart and Target. But again, you can get it at harrys.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ali Zeezer with the, uh, the mashup of the intro for an instrumental called a fart instrumental he put. It's a remix. Ali always bringing that heat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me tell you real quick where I'm gonna be. I am with Josh Potter for a whole run beginning July 23rd, Rochester, Minnesota.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The 24th in Appleton, Wisconsin. The 25th, Rockford, Illinois. 26th, Peoria.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Indiana. Uh, next I go in August to Wilkes-Barre, then Tarrytown, Albany, Foxwoods and Hampton Beach and Burlington, Vermont. Those are all in August. From there I'm on to Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] London, Ontario, Toronto, Winnipeg, Vancouver and Calgary. Those are all at TomSegura.com slash tour. We've added a bunch of second shows in cities. You can check out the dates there. The European tour is on sale and, uh, we added a third show in Austin. That's November 17th. The 16th is all sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Pensacola is about to sell out and Columbus, Ohio in December is about to sell out. So get your tickets. TomSegura.com slash tour. Josh, you're going to read some Christina dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll plug it again. Cool. Uhm, alright. That's it. Thanks to Ollie Zieser and of course to Josh Potter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back with a return guest, a comedian and actor. He's going on tour this July. You can get tickets right now at johnnypemberton.dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was? How's he doing now? Is he good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember uhm, so the first time I heard Sister Nancy Bum Bum was, I don't know, let's say on TV or something. The movie Belly. Yeah, it's in Belly. But I also like, it was one of those things, you know when you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a little while and a DJ was playing it at a party I was at and I rushed


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was such a bad high school student. This is like such an insult. I bet Florida State would have turned me down. That's how bad of a student I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to dream in high school that college would be what you imagine FSU is like. You know what I mean? I imagine that college would be parties and just like a lot of kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so the last time we saw you, first of all we were in a different location, we were at our home, now we're here, and so were you an engaged fellow? Did we even know that then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, it's like, you can, almost every case is the same. Someone goes on vacation, they see someone that's hot, like they're attracted to them, they're like wow, and they're in that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Headspace of vac- the fantasy of vacation. You're like, oh, you know, you're drinking and laying on beaches and it's like, I met the guy, he fu-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually he just herds goats, but it was a special thing, and then they fuck, you know, then maybe they fuck again, and then they're like, it's amazing, oh, I gotta go back, and it's like, vacation's over, I'm pregnant. With the fucking gardener. The dum-dums, baby, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was, there was that, there was the, uh, the Brazilian that ended up being out of her mind with the guy who's like nice to ask mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so crazy. Yeaah, he uhm, this Brazilian hot chick comes where, you know, she met him on vacation. Of course she thinks, she's like, he's American, he's rich. And like, he's like, mother's in the other room right now. And she's like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many guys I feel like are like, yeah, I got like one table. Of course. So she's, she's like, you need a couch or something. He's like, okay. So she goes and she's like, I'm going to buy this couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the mother is like, did you talk to him about it? And she's like, well, no. She's like, well, I don't think you should buy that couch. And then she calls him and she's like, can I buy this couch? Cause your mother is telling me not to. He's like, well, it's kind of both of our money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's actually more that it was, he works and was actually earning money, but mommy's on the account, and so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a new one. This is great. Okay. TLC is knocking it out of the park. Little people. Fat people. Fat black little people. Uhm, there's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing that I try to recommend people to do is to set up an Instagram account just for your panties and people can DM you. A pantygram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's all you do man, you put it in a ziplock bag, you seal it shut, you put it in a second bag and you mail that and you should be fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But look, Smothered has the, uh, not just the overbearing mother, but the kid who is really too...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there's one that mom will take a bath, and then if the bath water's still warm, the daughter will get in the bath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seems a bit excessive. Yeaah, totally. Is there anything on there right now? It's nothing. Nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you could also be like, have you guys checked out this new album? Yea. You could always be plugging other reggae things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Right? And then you're like, you're like, ey mon, you put your sunglasses, you know, hold a joint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do you know this guy, cause we were talking about it earlier, uh, the movie Belly, you saw that. Belly? Belly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He plays the villain. What do you know about him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he, he definitely, it didn't feel like much of an act. I saw like, when that movie came out, some of like the interviews with him after, I was like, it doesn't seem like he's really struggling to access some of the shit. Yeah. The kind of guy who has like a cut on his face. That's, we're looking for Louis Rankin, not Louis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this dude is not fucking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he looks rough. Yeah, he does. He's so good in that movie too. The movie is kind of ridiculous. That's a still from the movie in the left there on the far left side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On da beach. And they're like, yo, you know the weed's real big here? And then it's like a whole thing. It's good. I pulled up that clip I sent you. I emailed you. Uhm, to your email. Where you get your emails. I sent you the Louis clip from the movie so you can actually see, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think they had to do many takes. I think he was like, all right, cut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how it goes, man. So, I've got this clip to show you. Uhm, we discovered this guy recently. Uhm, you know, we feature a lot of cool guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's either service or urban outfitters, but one of the two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants to see himself, like he loves, he's so narcissistic, but he's like, I got nothing to say, so I'm just going to say a bunch of like nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel good, I feel happy for all the women in Utah, but that's an option.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It also went from like, I love the, uh, the non-secret, like how it went from like, you should drink responsibly, you should get your oovers, and then it was way up out of here, 20 20s around the corner, haha, and then it went to like party stuff, I mean this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, this is a better representation right here. This is kinda what I wanted you to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This video that you're about to watch is indicative of the type of stuff that you've seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go! That's all you need. Cause one of my dad's friends, his sister, she knows a guy, he's black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, how could anything be, you know, if you know somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see the next video. This is, this is my personal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta see it now, you're crying. Alright first, first let's watch this. Okay. Let's watch this. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, if you don't know the words, you're not legit, maybe stop wearing the makeup too, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cleaned all the windows, I swept, and I vacuumed, and there's no one's got a cleaner trailer than me. Well, it's all you got. Yeah. It's all you got, so you gotta keep it. I know. It is a fucking worst. You're so right, wait, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so bad. Did you know that Instagram removed, they've, enough people flagged, uh, somebody made a video of me in the Asian garage, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, and you- These crybabies. What's the next one of these fucking R words? What was next on this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty scary. Will you show them that car, that wreck car thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so this is, you know, this is the, uh, this is the guy that's pissed, right? He's super pissed and he's pissed about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're going drugs or mental illness on this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda see what he's saying, but he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. You know? I think he's saying that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the tow truck pulls that car, the parts that are now hanging off of the car are being drug against the concrete. Which is like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you're fucking my car up. Your car's in pieces, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he fucking, he did ball up his fist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you give your dad a blowjob.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But wait, is one of those worse you think or you think they're just equally as bad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what about if it were blow your dad or eat your mama?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if I switch something up though? What if, for your dad, all you have to do is lick his balls? So you don't have to actually put a beat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you gotta give him a lick and then he's gotta finish on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no. You keep, you base them the whole time, but he's stroking it so you don't have to do that part of it. But he needs to feel the tongue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, you gotta munch, munch, munch on mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't you hear that, like, that Hawaiian fight song in your mind as you picture that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he goes, I like when he goes, I don't like that, I don't like that at all. You're gonna cough, leave the room. I agree though, it's rude as shit. Yeah, yeah, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That dude should at least try once, be like, yea, you know, 40% off. Oh cool, yea. That has to work somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your, what's your discount? I don't know, I'm just gonna start asking. Okay. Cause somebody, who was saying that they asked about the uhm, somebody was saying they asked about a pregnancy discount.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of our friends was saying that uhm, that when she was, his wife was pregnant, that she was like, uh, is there a pregnancy discount? And people were like, yeaah. But like where though? Like at a buffet? Everywhere. Restaurants, oil changes, uh, haircuts. And that people would just go, 15% off? Is that good? Like, they would just give it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does chocolate still come out? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's gotta be that moment of panic for everybody when you put something of significance in your ass and then you go this isn't coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, your dad has probably told you this. I know that doctors say like you should try to have anal sex a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't use lube. We love you. Alright, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Host, one of the hosts of Altered Tate's podcast. He's my dear friend. There are warrants out for him right now. It is Jeff Tate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, intro that kind of gets people going, I wanna know more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll be on that list. And to be clear, you didn't kill a family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean like, the Gatorade, like, when you came on the bus with me, I had them stock Gatorade for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if it was per your orders like the ice glacier thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, when you're, when you're after your little ways into an edible or something, or smoke a little bit, and then someone hands you one of those, it's kind of a perfect place to be. Yeah, what do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this man. It is a game changer. Like you wake up to your co- like, you know what I mean? Not even get everything together, go downstairs. It's just coffee first thing. It's fucking amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We would, uh, cause we, you know, we had, we had like gross bosses together and you can't poop on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we would have to like figure out, you know, places to stop and we should at Target.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, for sure. There was a rumor going around that you were the one that filmed this. Is this you? This is a video that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such a bold move to be like spread eagle, asshole out, handle up the ass, playing with your dick and balls, but you're like, nah, don't look at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go away lady. Go away lady. Yeah, that guy just wants you to go away. It seems reasonable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also indoors. They've been shooting indoors. We discussed it at length yesterday. It's a real problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In China? Yeah, or like, uh, what'll happen is if you're sometimes indoors, they'll go to, in Hong Kong or something, you'll walk through a mall or a store and there'll just be a pile of shit there. Yeah. That's a mainland Chinese person. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's, we looked at extensively at this. And, and Ari was talking about how when he was there, it was explained to him over and over. How they're like, you see human shit, it's a mainlander, they fucking shit anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I think it's, I, I don't know what the real reason is. I think it's part of it is you have over a billion people, you have a lot of them from rural parts, and uhm, they just do shit anywhere, so then when they go to a city or whatever, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like the CEO of the company is doing that. You don't think. But I think some of the, you know, some of the people from the outskirts are doing it. Have you guys, have you guys ever had?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spicy. Space Mountain? He's so hard to shit on. I'll make it a wild ride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, this is great. You gotta see this. So you know how some chicks are just fucking cool? Where?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so, so far we know, by the way that was great, uhm, we have, and I know that the YMH fartmike account is going to be real happy, because you're already in the lead by, by a pretty big chunk. Really? Yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely do. Uhm, but so far this girl said she would want the best blowjob award and the best ass-kicking award. If you know that she's, if that exists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uh, it keeps going? No, that's it? That's everything we have. Oh, okay, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean two guys? That sounds kinda crazy. But she goes up and was like, how about someone shits on my chest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't, I've always wondered honestly about that one. The thing I wonder the most is just how the, uhm, the reflex to vomit or just, you know, run doesn't, like, doesn't exist. You know what I mean? Like, you round a corner and you smell shit, human shit, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like to be able to be like, not only can I sit here in the room, I'm gonna flick my clip for a minute cause this feels good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's gotta hurry up. Wait, do you think that she would be turned on by what I do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do? You don't think I would break her fetish?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you'd be in jail a lot. And the other one you only have a bunch of shit on your chest, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Already, stop pooping! Remember, uhm, remember that, that guy, the little fella, Chewie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'll take, I'll take, uh, take the shit out of my chest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't forget that she also said that she would clean the ass of the person who just shit with her mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, is this that song? Oh, let me see this. Hey. Hey. Hey, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that's uh, nine inch nails, do you like them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the Fakening is a great account on Instagram and Twitter where they'll take, uhm, people's faces and drop them perfectly onto other people's faces.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they took my face and dropped it over this dude's face, right? And uh, can you pull up the original or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, super creepy, but then some of them are, you know, I think he just probably threw that together. Uhm, but you can tell that like, you can tell the ones that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucking hilarious, man. Literally, the physical example.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I think the thing that jumped him off was the one, it was amazing. Was the beauty pageant one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put the volume down. Put the volume down. Uhm, and that one right there in the middle. In the middle, one down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking unbelievable. Oh my god. Close. Go down. There he is. Yea, like that one there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are unbelievable. So if you're listening, go to the Fakening. On Instagram. Uh, F-A-K-E-N-I-N-G. It's uh, oh yea, there's the Burt one there. Just fucking ridiculous. Look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean, you know, obviously his mind doesn't operate like ours or anybody's really. So there's something going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He uhm, from a young age, realized that, you know, he would see things and bring things up and people were fucking talking about him, you know, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, fuck. Well, what do we got here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know, like what, if you had the exposure, did you have exposure to one of these mega churches? Uh, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's amazing, like, I mean, I don't know if you've seen, like, I mean, even this opening, this shot right here that we can see, there are thousands of people. And like that Olsteen guy, you know, the famous guy, I think he's in Houston? Shit man, it's like, he does, he does, uh, his Sunday service where the Rockets play. It's fucking insane. He bought the Astrid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is a few weeks old now, but it's such a fascinating clip. That guy, that preacher, Kenneth Copeland, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He bought a private jet, which of course I don't knock, big fan. He bought, I believe, a Gulfstream, maybe a G5, which is like, you know, new, 50 some million, but he got it aftermarket from Tyler Perry. Yea, he bought it from Tyler Perry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's confronted by this brilliant reporter who somehow maintains her composure, uh, as she asks him not only about the purchase of the jet, but also about the reported, uhm, things that he said about why he couldn't fly. Commercial, which is pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, and you know, for a guy to stand over and put your finger...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So that's a good explanation. So then you don't need to be on commercial flights. I get it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think we owe him a chance to kind of explain himself a little bit. Oh, we've given him a chance, sweetheart. Sweetheart. He's got a little more, makes more sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he's like, that's the thing when you're in some shit, and you know, you gotta, you know, reach out to the person that you can help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, that first time, that's, that's your out. If you follow the Bible, all those things are about being on the ground. I want you in the sky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder how strong that hustle is for the donation every week. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the worst man. This is the, it is the worst. It's the worst type of person that he is and also who the fuck buys into this? Who does that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is always a hustle too. See the bottom right corner, it's a picture of him and his wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what was the general line of the cop out, like when you held some, when you proposed the, the accountability that you're talking about, what would the line be? You know what I mean? To like defend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like a walk, I'm saying where someone's like, and here's, you know. No, there's nothing like that. Earth is over 500 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the defense of the, uh, like you, I'm just saying if you know, when someone's like, oh, but you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scientists or whatever would say that, you know, a hundred million years ago this happened and then five hundred million years ago they're like nah, six thousand years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, do we ever work on this? Do you think Josh Potter, uhm, maybe the thing is he just needs to put it in someone's butt? Has he done that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He can't, he can't come with a person. What? He can only finish if he masturbates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, by the way, you know, I saw this video that we're gonna show of this, this traffic stop was one of the, you've seen it? No, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I actually see when I first saw this, one of the first people that came to mind was you. Oh no. No, no, because I feel like having known you as long as I've known you and as well as I do that you will, you will identify not with the sticker, but kind of with this,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This man's point of view. I'm serious. I feel like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want this to play out and then I'll show you what I mean. It's not a joke. So we're looking at a dash cam from a police cruiser. He's pulled over a Chevy pickup truck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It should say, you know what, it should say I've eaten ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is where I start hearing Jeff take, like, when I'm watching this the first time, I'm like, could, because Jeff is the person who I most think of as challenging authority to, who tries to flex. I'm like, I'm serious. That's, that's one of the people I thought of when I first saw this. I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, by the way, take note, I don't know if it's in this clip or not, but when he's handed that, he actually reads. He reads it for a while. He doesn't actually just sign.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it, right? Yeaah, that's everything. Yeaah, so he was arrested. They actually arrested him. And then, he, uh, he actually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To do that, he was saying it was just funny and now, at least the last bit of news about him is that he is, uhm, considering, uh, suing the sheriff's office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty great though, that the kid, I think that the kid has the balls to do that. It's weird to think of, if I were to meet his parents, I'd be like, you raised a fine young man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We might have to pull that music down, but there's a cool guy, dancing, and he's, uh, drinking whipped cream, he's got nice hair. He's got nice hair. Dude, check out these moves. This is why I wanted to do the dance contest. Yeah. Shit like this, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh's hate sweets, but this is basically Josh. If you're listening, you're like, what's going on? Picture Josh with long hair and he's shaved and he doesn't wear a shirt anymore. And he loves whipped cream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were. We did the Aronoff together. That was me, yeaah. That was awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did that together, we did Cleveland, we did DC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Titsburg, Madison, Milwaukee, Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did the Ryman in Nashville together. Super fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you're one of my favorites. I love you. You're hilarious. I would tell you if you're in Cleveland or Cincinnati, go see this guy do stand up live. It is a fucking treat. He's so good. Uhm, thank you for coming today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Carmine. I haven't heard it, but it's a great title.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our phones have become essential. Apps keep track of our schedules, our fitness, our love lives. But what if an app could tell you? How long?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I thought of two new words for your dates. Wichita could be wet crotchita? Or wet crotchicha? Is that too far of a stretch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and for Winnipeg, I was thinking, will he peg?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina P online. If you haven't seen my stand-up specials, please check out Mother Inferior on Netflix, as well as The Degenerates. I do a half hour, uh, eight months pregnant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could tell on the way in, you are a little grumpy. You've had a cold, so we didn't get to clear your pipes out for the last week. Now you're ready to get your pipes cleaned and I can tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're doing our overnight trip tomorrow night, we're leaving the kids, we're going to stay in a hotel, we're gonna do our mommy bonds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna check in the hotel. I'll milk your nuts. Get the poison out. We can watch a movie, get some in-room dining. Be great. Take a nap. Sound like a plan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't- all my favorite shows I've not liked a long introduction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are, there's collusion going on. Okay. Uhm, can I tell you about this opening clip? Is that, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, it is Greg Gartons, exactly, and that is a cautionary tale about this kind of a life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the deal, man. So at first I saw it and I was repulsed, and then I thought,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's wrong with having this kind of relationship with your mom? If you're both into it, is there really anything wrong? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? I mean, I wish I had a mom that I liked. My mom was a fucking animal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think she still breastfeeds her daughter? That would be fucked up if she's still like, I wanna-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, stop! What? You don't eat your mom out, do you? You could!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather eat out your mom, or she gives you a blow job with eye contact? To completion. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, come on, TikTok, I'm gonna murder your dogs, your children, I got a gun to your baby's head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or she gives you a blow job, no eye contact, but you have to come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know that I pick up the ball and I toss it into the basket like LeBron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yeah, yeah. Well, cause then you could zone out, like you could take your mind somewhere else. I mean, we've all given...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, then you, now you. I answered it, you fuckers have to answer it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I feel there are mothers and daughters that they, this is, this is what happens, especially when you're a single parent, a lot of times you become very close to your daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time my grandma made me give her a pedicure when I was a little girl. I hated it. Her feet were so gross. She had like Fred Flintstone feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just hated touching her and I remember she was like, give me please, I would like a pedicure. And then like, she was very affectionate. How old were you? Like seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I have pedicure? And then, uhm, she make my cousin shawty and I give her like leg rubs to like massage lotion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is one thing I will give to my tribe is that they're very, like, hey bro, get to it. Steadfast in their racism? We don't like others, we don't like this gender nonsense, we don't like foreigners, like, hey, you don't like it, don't come here. Like, alright, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, hey, I'll tell you some. And I know in this fucking snowflake generation that you're not, you're supposed to be all in clues, everybody loves you. Guess what? The world doesn't operate that way. So if you want to live like Hungarians, go live in Hungary with the other people that think the way you do. If not, come to America. I'm doing a show here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets it. I gotta teach you some phrases to say to these people when you show up, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and I saw on the gram that a lot of transgendered people are upset about the new Snapchat filters where you can swap gender. Have you done it yet? It's so fun. I'm on Snapchat, I'm on all the cool apps. They're upset because they think that their gender is not a joke and you shouldn't be joking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so big news in the Segura house, our son Ellis is taking swim lessons. For the second time. For the second time. He's three and a half, so we did it last summer, but he wasn't really able to kind of pick it up. He couldn't really focus and you know, he's two and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They come in the house, and it's a girl, by the way. I sign up for these swim lessons, the person comes to the house, and I fuckin', eyes on, I watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he refused to wear his swimsuit. So he took it off. And then he took the diaper off. And I was like, have you ever taught a naked, uh, three year old? She goes, yeah, two girls though. I'm like, well, you're about to get a dong in your face. There's my little boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, she pretends she'll go uhm, and then she'll just kind of let it go. I think she might just go uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, oh wow, but then she might go, we didn't, I didn't sign up to teach you, this is just for children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what a, listen, I defy you to find another podcast that cares enough about their listeners to create the fucking quality content that was episode 500. That's pretty great. Brendan Urie, uh, Panic at the Disco lead singer, came on the show. Not only that, he made a song for us? Amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then to top it off, I mean not the Brunnery, it was a massive highlight, you secretly taped your mother farting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about uhm, I really would like to share with our, I'd really like to share with our listeners something you said to me on the couch. Was it Sunday night? We were watching Mr. Selfridge? And I was gassy as usual and I was sitting on your lap and we were just like cuddling and stuff and then just share the phrase that you said to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let the record show that Tom Segura is the originator of the phrase, Show me how those big tits fought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I gotta get into this next talking point. I uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So ever since I had my towel drying revelation,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been noticing other things. So by the way, I did just purchase a towel that's like a robe that's terry cloth. It's coming in the mail. Uhm, and in my second revelation, uhm, the hot smoothies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We discussed the hot smoothie thing. I've since amended that. I've been putting, uh, ice cubes in my smoothies. Uhm, anyway, I brought it up to my therapist and now I'm noticing, like, all these things that I've been doing that are just so, like, self-negligent? Is that the word? Or just, like, not self-caring? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I recently figured out this latest one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dental floss thing broke. The container broke. Are you listening to me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dental floss container broke, so you know that I've been using that dental floss that's just like the wheel of stray floss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I don't want to waste floss. I like flossing. And I, so I let it, I let it on the counter top and you saw it and you go, ew, that's unsanitary, it's getting dirty and now you're gonna use it. I don't care about the dirty stuff, I still will use it. But here's what I've been doing and this is so stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I have to wear a band-aid because it hurts so bad. And not once, twice. This is the second time I've done it. And finally the second time I'm like, I should stop doing this. I should probably just get scissors and like cut the floss or just get a new floss container maybe? I know. I know I'm working on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ray, I know there's a metal edge on the thing specifically to cut it, but the metal edge broke because the container broke. So I just have a stray wheel of dental floss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, nothing? I know! I fucking don't know what's wrong with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, that's my R Word behavior update this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we sit, on the summertime, we sit on our back porch, our little back patio, and this owl lives in this ginormous tree we have, and just as the sun is setting, you see him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, I saw a fucking black widow. I was, our gate wasn't working and I lifted up this cover for the mechanism and my head was right up against it and I look, it was in the morning and I look back, I put my head back, there's a fucking black widow right by my forehead where I was standing. That motherfucker was this big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you personally, I like to take one year slow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take the first three months totally down. Tom will take off. You slowed down a lot when we had our children. Because of those first couple months are so sensitive. You don't get those months back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I tried to watch Game of Thrones, you and I have tried a few times, and it feels too Lord of the Ringy to me. It's the same thing, right? It's dark, it's medieval, and there's dragons and, you know, little people hugging a lot. Yeah, that's too much. In any movie.


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[Assistant] Cause in the real world that would happen, you know, people would be like, hey dude, you're...


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[Assistant] It's just what it is. Here we go.


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[Assistant] That's right. He would always have the boy come in, like come in, shake his hand, sit him down, talk to him.


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[Assistant] You know, I was at the airport, the last time I was at the airport, and I decided to just let it rip. You ever do that? Well, I guess guys do. When you break McBrown in public, do you not care?


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[Assistant] I would say you lead with what your proclivities are. No, you do it at dinner before you fuck, and be like, I'm kind of into it, but you don't have to do it right away. And then you see how she reacts, and then you slowly...


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[Assistant] But, here's the deal, man. Let's say you guys really like each other and you're into each other and it's a month or two months in.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you, I had a friend, a female friend who had just a box of just dildo.


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[Assistant] He's not a blatant creeper, like he's not a douchebag, like he's got this sweet thing to him, so the girl ends up being the aggressor, is what I'm guessing happens. Is that accurate, Josh? The woman is usually the aggressor? Yeah.


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[Assistant] I could see that about Josh, that he's more, he's sweet. Some guys need to have a bitch take over and dominate them.


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[Assistant] I can't do a butt plug. Especially cause they're, some of them are real big, right? They spread out your, you gotta start small.


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[Assistant] Anchor Smart, see I would do the, it's called the Doc Johnson.


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[Assistant] Did you ever go down on you in a theater? She blew him in a theater.


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[Assistant] That's the- the song is about David Coulier breaking her heart. True story.


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[Assistant] You know what's so funny? Sidebar, we were watching Locked Up Abroad, the new season. It's such a fucking good show. There was a guy on there, bald, bald, bald, but he kept a bang, just like, like a row of hair.


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[Assistant] No, this has to be, I've seen so much shit on this show. This is hands down the most horrifying thing I've ever seen. Take us through your thoughts. No thanks. Is it really? Why do you think it's so bad? What part of it?


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[Assistant] This reminds me of living in San Francisco in the 90s, when you'd be walking down the street and you would just see like, guys butt fucking, or like,


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[Assistant] Wait, is that his prosthetic limb he's fucking himself with or is it the bike handle? I feel like it looks like a bicycle handle.


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[Assistant] Here's the thing, here's the deal. If I saw this on the street corner, I would not confront him alone with a camera.


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[Assistant] He's got a shoe there. That's a real foot, cause you can see the kinda, the lines.


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[Assistant] A lot of them are on the streets. That red fire hydrant, it looks San Francisco.


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[Assistant] Definitely, it's not a midwest. This is a west coast. Also, where do people bike a lot?


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[Assistant] You wouldn't masturbate on the street. Think about the highest level of hornyness, like you're 12.


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, there's somebody listening here on our show who's like, I work on an oil rig in Alaska.


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[Assistant] For 42 years of my life, I get out of the shower and I...


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[Assistant] Just put like a towel around me under my armpits and then I pat pat pat and then I just, that's it. I'm mostly wet, my shoulders are wet, my legs are still kinda wet.


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[Assistant] And then I'll go put clothing on that way. And for years, it would infuriate me until I just one day had a revelation like, oh, I can dry my whole body off. And then I've been doing that now for like three weeks.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I just, but I, but it's a thing where I was, it just, it never occurred to me, I was kind of in a hurry, I'm, I'm past a little diet.


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[Assistant] Well that's a thing I haven't brought this up yet, but maybe you could, so here, I'm gonna give you another, a newer example, and maybe you can, if you have an example you can share with me. Okay, okay. Cause you're an immigrant like I am, I feel it has something to do with my immigrant nature.


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[Assistant] Perhaps. Okay. Or a lack of self-care. Now. Okay. This other thing I was doing, I was, I make these smoothies in the morning, my trainer recommended, it's spinach, cucumber, water, and half an avocado, and like, powder. And I blend it up, and then I drink it at room temperature.


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[Assistant] And I hated it. Like, I didn't hate the taste, I just hated the temperature. Yeah. For like, three years I've been doing this. Three years.


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[Assistant] And then yesterday I said to my trainer, I'm like, I just, it's just so warm and yucky. And she goes, well, you can put ice in it.


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[Assistant] Or you can put it in the fridge, and then it'll be much better cold.


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[Assistant] Not even thinking of my own needs. Like, what do you mean that I should have a need? So for me now, like I'm undoing all that and then I go, oh, like I should probably want this cold. Maybe that'll taste better.


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[Assistant] But there's nothing you do that you had an epith- I know we had this thing with phone chargers


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[Assistant] Look, lean up and look over and if I wanted the lamp on, couldn't do it.


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[Assistant] Like, shit like that, and I'm serious, like you, cause you think, I don't like these ugly white walls, like, oh, you can paint them anything you want. You can have anything you want.


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[Assistant] But she married a white guy from the east coast. From Chicago, right? Oh, was he from Chicago? Anyways, I don't know if the...


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[Assistant] And her father was very, very strict. And one time we went to the beach and we had to take the bus together and she had to stop and call him every hour or two hours to check in and pay phones back in the day.


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[Assistant] Yes, it took like five hours. Four more.


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[Assistant] Fuck it, both our parents are horrible. Anyway, she told me that Persian girls to maintain their virginity will butt sex.


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[Assistant] I was gonna ask you about this. Because on the Shaws of Sunset, house parties are a big deal. And also how you dress up is a big deal. You have to come, Gucci, you have to wear your prod, you have to wear like, your bling. So did you experience that growing up?


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[Assistant] My stepdad, my Indian stepdad and my Hungarian mom, when they hooked up, they were all about the bling tail. It was all about showing, showing the wealth.


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[Assistant] And I think cause my set diet grew up so poor in India, he became a millionaire a few times over.


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[Assistant] And it was important to show it, like he had like a crazy Rolex and rings and like the Mercedes and all these nice things. You have to show people that you're not a fucking loser.


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[Assistant] Mommy kinda, I'm, I'm dipping my toes into it. I kinda know my roots bro, like I can't, like I can't fight it. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm fucking Euro trash inside. It comes out.


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[Assistant] Cause I remember, cause I grew up in a mostly Persian neighborhood, and there was like between that 7th and 8th grade summer, do all the Persian girls walk around with like the band-aid?


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[Assistant] Because when I got to Mercedes, Tommy got me an SUV, and I remember the first time I got into it, I went, my mother, when she passed away, I inherited all these fur.


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[Assistant] This is silly, it's like, it's, but it's fun and then you, you know, you go through a phase and maybe it's not fun for a while.


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[Assistant] Yeah man. Did I ask you a stupid question that I've wondered like my whole life? And it is stupid.


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[Assistant] I can't remember the last time I had a filet-o-fish, but it's fantastic.


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[Assistant] Hey mommies, uhm, this is Daniella here, uh, submitting my video for Make Josh Come ordeal. I have a dog.


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[Assistant] But uhm, this is my submission saying try it out. I do have a full set of teeth. Ignore the pimple, if you will.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and, uh, my farts might be as good as this one. Maybe that's what he'd like. Try it out.


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[Assistant] That was awesome. Sorry, I put the wrong one in there man, I'm sorry.


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[Assistant] It was, it was an accident, like we had a couple short versions from last week and I guess this one just kind of bled over.


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[Assistant] I know, I know you do, I just fucked up man, I'm sorry.


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[Assistant] Right, you can't just, it's not like when you cough on someone, they'll just cough right back on you. You need to have one in the chamber.


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[Assistant] So me and my friend were at a party, you know, a friend out, and he met a chick. You can never tell, don't mind, you can never tell if a chick's a man or a woman sometimes.


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[Assistant] He pulled down the girl panther to seven inch long on it.


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[Assistant] And he ran out, and he ran out of there, I'm not gay, I'm not gay. Found out the guy's name's Susie. Nick name's Susie.


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[Assistant] I love it. Good to be back. New studio rules. Last time I think I was one of the last people at the, uh, the house. You still have the house though, right?


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[Assistant] For sure. Did you say owls? Owls? Yeah. Do you live in a place where owls are prominent? Yes.


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[Assistant] Little dogs and rabbits. Yeah, rabbits. God damn. So you gotta get like a coyote-proof fence or like a tranquilizer gun?


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[Assistant] But like there's no, you know how like, you know, chickens were obviously getting their eggs and their, uhm, I was about to say their milk. Chicken milk. I don't think we're getting that yet, are we? Chicken milk? Oh, I've had it. I've had it. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] I did long distance three, this is the first relationship I've had in a long time that wasn't long distance. I did long distance from, with three different girls, probably from 18 to 27. Damn. One was college, like Santa Barbara to LA. And, uh, and then, uh, one, and that was cool because then it was like every weekend I'd go up there.


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[Assistant] She's uh, in script supervisor school, so she's trying to be uh, script supervisor. Next to the director, the person that all directors hate, right? To be like, she would have caught that coffee cup in Game of Thrones, hopefully. How does that air?


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[Assistant] How does that air? Dude, I think that's a strategic move by Starbucks. Fuck yea dude. There's no reason that that should have been there.


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[Assistant] You can digitally take that out. So now I'm just curious about like who out, who did Starbucks outbid to get that product placement? Was Jamba Juice like one pube away from just fucking having a Razzmatazz sitting next to it? I love Razzmatazz. That's my favorite one. They don't have that kind of


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[Assistant] Fuck McDonald's, dude. Fuck him. Fuck him, I'll say that. Ba da ba ba.


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[Assistant] Great. Great. Really? Are they biggies? Well who cares about everything else? Yea, it's uhm, we're probably four years away from, you know, right now my nieces and nephews kind of fill the kid void right now. Yep.


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[Assistant] 36, I think by 40 I would like, you're gonna be a dad, you're gonna be a friend. But I wanna be like all in on it, cause right now I feel like I still am putting me first on every, but that's my like drawback and then people, uh, like you guys and other friends that are crushing it with kids are like, you can do both. You actually figure it out more so, but you know, but that is my concern is like that I,


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[Assistant] You know, would just, uhm, maybe go so, and I know that right, uh, when starting out, you gotta be like, Sandy Danto, uh, was telling me that, he's like, yeah, like I didn't do anything for like five, six months, but be with that kid. And I was like, well, you can probably find some balance. And he's like, not really, not at first. I mean, you tell me.


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[Assistant] There was a nude beach that uhm, you know, I was trying to come up with something that was, you know, that pops, that was like obviously kinda jokey, but not.


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[Assistant] Not like, you know, so over the top, ham bone, like, like another one I kind of played with that my buddy sent me was like me, like in a full suit in like a raft and like a kid's birthday party in the pool, you know, and I'm just like, hey, I never like wear suits. So it just looked weird. And it was all, it was just too like, I don't know, 1980s.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean like the times I've gotten to wear them for stuff, it's like really fun to get the nice stuff.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna wear, I'm gonna wear this jacket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is clearly not photoshopped. Those are my hands. But when did you, uh, when did you record it? Uh, in, uh, February.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, we just, uh, did it over four shows. I pretty much used...


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[Assistant] I, you know, I have to though, like, force myself to, you know, there was, when I was first starting to do it, sometimes in the hour, it'd, you know, be, I'd always make sure to get 45 in, but then there'd be, you know, 15 and 20 in crowd work, but I never wanted to have that be like a crutch where it was like, you know, 35 of stand up, 25 of...


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[Assistant] You know, jokes that I, uhm, as I'm going into them, I kind of set up like and talking about what I want to be, how I want to be in the NBA as a kid. And that was my kid dream. And then I use that as a way to ask somebody like, Oh, what was your kid? Like, what do you do now? And what's your kid dream? That's always a fun, organic way to like get some raw information that can be, uh, and then, you know, I like to, first time I saw a crowd work really was Patrice O'Neil at the punchline was one of the first clubs I went to. And man, he just sat on that stool for like,


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[Assistant] 3 hours and did, must have had 5 to 6 different things going through all his brilliant material and then he was, he wove them all together at the end and I was like mind blown and I was like oh that seems like the way to do it like if you can really call back and be


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[Assistant] That is long. When did you guys start it? In 2000...


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[Assistant] 13? Oh wow. It's a long time man. Yeaah. Uhm, but uh. He's so fine.


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[Assistant] And, uh, yeaah, Brad was, that was his big...


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[Assistant] Uh, Kuam with Dinklage's SNL appearance. He's like, dude, he didn't like do one. He's like, he could have come out in the monologue and maybe even like.


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[Assistant] Taking questions and been like, you know, any questions about, you know, and people being like, yeah, what's a, what's it like, like when you can't like get, uh, when you can't like get the Cocoa Puffs, like how do you, do you call a friend or like what, you're like just a bunch of little like, and have them like kind of just disregarding them and be like, well, anything about my career, you know, and just all these dwarves. Play into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At least do a little bit, but.


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[Assistant] Well there's Simon Birch, that's Brad's like Rudy is what he says. Simon Birch is about the dwarf kid that gets uhm... Yea, I remember that one. How does he get it? He gets like fucking, he gets a...


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[Assistant] Do you think that episode of Sesame Street was teaching kids about dwarfism? Ah, that'd be cool.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this is the movie. This is him. No one's even like, hey.


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[Assistant] Rememory, that's what it's called? Yeah. Not bad. Yeah, not bad.


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[Assistant] Like dad leans into it. Leans into it, man. Well, you know, he had to, it's like also his, uh, his dad really gave him that, um, you know, fucked with him when he was a kid where it was like, you know, fight back and like made jokes to him and kind of just got him that thick skin, you know? Yeah. It's like Burt with his drinking. Yeah.


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[Assistant] They are, dude. Let them be as innocent as possible and unaware. You know, I was, my nephew is, uh, 16 and I saw him Snapchatting with some, uh, girl and, uh, I was like, you sent a picture of your dick? And he goes, he got a mouth full of braces. He was like, yeah, that's what I'm doing.


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[Assistant] And I was like, that is what you're doing. He's like, okay. I'm like, just cause you're saying it like that doesn't mean it's not what's happening. He's like, yeah, it's what's happening. I'm like, yeah, it for sure is right. And he's like, yeah, yeah. And then I'm like, dude, you're never going to know the, uh,


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[Assistant] Catchy, right? I like it. Throw some strings behind that, maybe a bass clarinet.


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[Assistant] Uh, two, yeaah, I did one called, uh, Pop-Tart Suicide, and, uhm,


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[Assistant] And then this is, uh, the second one. But this one is, you know, I was in that point where I was, you know, I definitely would love to, uhm, I got a big show in Seattle on May 24th at the Triple Door and that's gonna be an hour of all stuff that's not on this. Cause, you know, I've been, uh, hadn't put anything out in what, six years and I definitely want to,


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[Assistant] You know, I would love to do a special right now, and I was thinking to self, uh, finance it, and then I was like...


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[Assistant] You know, cause you gotta bet on yourself at some point if you don't have people chomping at the bit, but...


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[Assistant] Yeah, Josh Wolf did that, Andrew Scholes, uh, just started talking with that and it's, I mean, people just want content and that's why I was like, I just gotta put something out there, even if it is an audio form. And I had my buddies, you know, come tape all the shows on a couple of red cameras and so I spliced up a bunch of clips and started putting those up, but I think, uh, sooner than later, I'm just gonna, you know,


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[Assistant] And look, I mean, you know, you hear people being like, you could do it on your iPhone and do it for like a couple grand. I'm like, yeah, if you're a dum-dum, like that's not going to look good. You spend a little bit of money. Yeah. Look good and sound good. Yes. And that would be the right space. Like I don't want to.


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[Assistant] You know, obviously, like, uhm, where you did, uhm, uh, uhm,


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[Assistant] The, uhm, Neptune in Seattle. Oh yeaah. Great spot. Great spot. And like I might want to try to, like that's a hometown spot that seems like a great size theater. That's a great.


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[Assistant] I mean, but like, I see a piece of paper in the urinal and I go, alright, two things happened here. Uhm, one, some dude rushed in, stalls were full, right?


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[Assistant] But also is it gonna, so we're assuming though it's not gonna break the, uh, the seal, right? It's just gonna make its way out comfortably. But it's like toothpaste. So, right?


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[Assistant] Wait a minute! Those are nails! And forks! Did the forks just come up?


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[Assistant] Yo dude, you, I don't know the amount of money, you know how guys used to play the game like, you suck a dick for a million dollars? Yes, over that.


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[Assistant] I don't wanna put those penis beads, that just seems awful. That sounds really bad.


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[Assistant] You know, two, two months, two years, like where in the relationship or do you think that's just like, is that a deal breaker for some people?


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[Assistant] There's probably a fun way, maybe you drop the butt plug like out of your backpack. Yeaah. And on the floor. Oh my god. And you go, oh jeez, I'm so embarrassed. And then you go. Right, you wait for her to be like. Yeaah, that's good. That works.


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[Assistant] And then when she shows her two colors, do you kind of meet her halfway and kind of up your aggressiveness?


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[Assistant] Now who do you think is, uhm, more likely to introduce, uh, a BP?


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[Assistant] Dude, I can't believe that it's taken him this long to get on and the fact that you guys have again been at the, uh, you know, precipice of, of this


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[Assistant] And I was like, I went down a Travolta rabbit hole, and uhm, before the owl took it, and I, I watched so many videos, I watched the birthday party one, and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, hey, can I say hi? And, uh, no joke, had a dream that I was at his party the next night. Oh, really? I don't dream, I just started smoking pot again to try to fall asleep and, uhm, man, I had a crazy full on, probably 10 to 15 minute dream that I was at that birthday party that I watched on Instagram that he was like.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, like one of them was like, it was like, or it was an award thing. I respect that. Yeaah. One of my buddies was his private jet pilot for a long time. Really? Really? Maybe I should get him in here for you. Fuck yeaah. I'd love to hear it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this is, that, that far one to the left looks like it's trying to, uh,


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[Assistant] That's bigger than okay. Get back at somebody. That looks like a high school bully. That's Dustin Brody. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Some of these porn stars that win like best anal and stuff, like is it like what, you know, I'm always curious, what is that, uh, what comes with that award? What do they do to, like for me, I'm like, yeah, dude, if you got all four of those in you in one scene, even if the scene was like shitty dialogue and the lighting was bad, you give her the award because of what she took, you know? But is it best anal because...


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[Assistant] Like she was one of the hot, like she was like the Nicole Kidman of porn stars and the guy like, you know, you know, he did it in a-


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[Assistant] Wow. And Lionel Richie's Hello is about Bob Saget.


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[Assistant] Literally in his office and I tried to make a joke cause I was, you know, kinda funny guy and I would do impressions of him and stuff and...


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[Assistant] Yeah, sophomore. And I was going to be like, you know, the senior offensive lineman, um, got injured. So I was going to start varsity my sophomore year and I was getting pretty big and football was, you know, fun, but not, I wasn't going to go pro. Did you go back junior, senior year or no? No, I was it. And he was a basketball coach too. So he would, you know, if I fucked up, uh, something in practice, he'd be like, sorry, I don't have a script for this fucking play Adam.


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[Assistant] You're about to tell me. But he brought his kids to the matinee. Oh really? Oh that's nice. Yeah, but just was like, looking at him in makeup and a leather jacket and he was just like, pfft.


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[Assistant] Yeah, uh, wait, what are we, what are we, what's happening here?


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, that's, yeah, home game too. So fired up about that. Like we haven't gotten, uh, we've been on the losing streak on the road. So I think when we get back home, that's when, uh, have our fan base behind us.


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[Assistant] So I was talking my, uh, you know, life is just like, opportunities come when they come and, and you, uh, you know, being,


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[Assistant] I was talking to my mom a couple days ago, and she was like, don't live your life to please other people. And I was like, I feel like I'm doing that, playing football right now. And uhm.


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[Assistant] And our high school is doing the play version of it. And the only other person auditioning, I was told by our director, uh, is an Asian kid named Danny Park. And I think I got a pretty good shot.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I wanna play, uh, I wanna play football, but, you know, like Madden and stuff, and like, this is just too... I'm gonna play, uh... Good luck, fag.


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[Assistant] Or he knew somebody was, he's like look, this is probably gonna be Instagram worthy. Someone's gonna come by and wanna take some snapshots.


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[Assistant] By the way, yea, if you had limbs to remove- God damn, dude. Now I'm concerned why there's not more concern in her voice. She just sounds like she just- What are you doing, dude? Saw somebody like push her kid off the slide. What are you doing with that? Uhm, that blur. It doesn't go there.


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[Assistant] Maybe there's a part two and he's going to reveal his face. Hey, takes it off. Or it's like, if you want me to stop, you're going to have to grab this towel off my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, hard movements. What else has he got around there? Just some blankets and coats? What is that? I don't know. It's like something that is at the end of a- Wait, is the other foot fake too? Is that a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the little, what is that? Some soup in the back? Some chowder? What is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna- I'm gonna- Chris, is this Berkley? It's Northern California. Wait, wait, I'm gonna one dollar all you and say Hermosa Beach. Whoa!


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[Assistant] No, you walk, this is Walk By Worthy.


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[Assistant] Go away lady. Go away lady, it's such a classic line when you have something in your asshole, you know?


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[Assistant] Look, I was told this spot was gonna be, uh, you know, uh, people walking by free. Like, he didn't expect somebody. It's amazing. Somebody must have told him this street corner.


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[Assistant] Yeah, do you know, do you not want to be able to take pictures at your kid's birthday party with such high pixelation? Let this guy, you know.


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[Assistant] Maybe he's, maybe he's more ashamed of his skin.


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[Assistant] No! That's a great point actually. I'm not in your yard.


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[Assistant] Sounds like a weird Dr Seuss rhyme. Masturbate on a bus? Would you masturbate in front of Gus?


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[Assistant] It was awesome. And yeah, it was, I mean, I was in the middle seat. She was on the window and you better believe it. There was a dude to my left. No, there was not. Okay. Yeah, there was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what time of day? I met this girl in college, uh, uh, midday. It's not a night flight.


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[Assistant] Many times have changed, but yeaah. It, uhm, this was 2000...


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[Assistant] Anyway, so it's the middle of the day. So we cover her up with a blanket and I just kinda like turned towards her.


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[Assistant] I was able to zone out a lot easier and be like, nobody's looking at this, but uhm. When you came, you were like, huuuh.


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[Assistant] Oh, it was the most con... Oh, yeah. Yeah, verbatim. Again, were you the guy next to me? Because that's what he did after. He was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeaah, and, uhm, here's the crazy part, the dude to my left, uhm, yeaah, on the way out, like, you know, we're getting our bags and everything, and, uh, and he gets his bag down in front of me, and then I just kinda get my stuff, and then, it was just one of those, like, people, like, looking at each other on the plane, and he just goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so funny? I made a music video about that story. You did? I wrote a song about it and then did a cartoon music video. If you look up Adam Ray, Reno Cheater. And I made this like video because it was just like a funny


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, thinks it's hilarious. Like this guy, Jeff, who she ended up, you know, hugging. And I'm like, of course he thinks it's hilarious. Like he's, and at one point I was like, yeah, I was going to post it on his Facebook page and like, kind of like be like, hey, fuck you. And she goes, yeah, I wouldn't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a wild kid. You were? Yeaah, very wild. And how long have you been doing stand up? I've been doing it off and on, I would say consistently for the last five years.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I, I opened Tony Hinchcliffe featured and then, uhm, Triple E, but I was so wacky, this was when I was newly sober, so I was like six months off heroin, so I was so fucking weird, that they were both like, oh this guy's wild and they just kinda kept me around because of that.


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[Assistant] I was still young, I was like 18, and I was smoking a lot of pot and drinking at the time, doing a lot of coke, so it wasn't like, it was like this amazing thing, but you kinda like forget about it in the chase of like getting laid and all this other stuff, so when the prescription ran out,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a, she went through, yeaah, she was a soldier, my sister. Uhm, and then same thing happened with my brother, I have a younger brother, and, uh, he got his wisdom teeth pulled. So now, like, I had this, like, four month period where I was just, like, party time, and then I forgot, they, they ran out.


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[Assistant] 12 Steps, 12 Steps, I did it. You did it. It took me five years to get it. I went to, that's a whole other. Wow. Went to two nice rehabs, then went to one where everybody was in prison except for me, and that's the one that did it.


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[Assistant] I just was like, this is what happens when I drink one beer, eventually I will, like, this is what, I was like, there, there was a, hm.


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[Assistant] Hitman. I was with just people straight out of prison because Schwarzenegger had this special bill, I think it was called SASCA, where if you had like life in prison or serious prison time, but they could tell it was because of drugs, they were letting guys out. And it was a good thing, but so now this house that I was in, eight bunk beds a room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, this guy got, I think he's back in forever, but he came in one night, the, the prison bus like dropped him off and he came in and he was like, Hey, what's up? Took off his shirt. He had swastikas everywhere. And I was just like, you know, I'm like two weeks off and I'm like, okay. He's like, what's up, homie? He's like, I'm going to be taking the top bunk. And he just like laid it out. And I was just like,


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[Assistant] Uhm, but you just didn't mess with, you just didn't take it to level 10 with him. Fuck no. And he would just draw pictures of Einstein all day. He had a lisp.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and he loved doing it. And he specialized in killing child molesters. Oh, that's awesome. And he goes, you know what's funny? He goes, I make little jokes while I'm doing it.


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[Assistant] No. One time I snapped at him and he calmly said, you know, that was interesting. That's the first time in 11 years someone's ever talked to me like that. He's like,


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[Assistant] It was like Mike Tyson, he was like, wow, that was an interesting experience. And I was just like, oh. Did you like apologize or something or no? Yeah, but we were cool. He would have mandatory, he'd put on K-Rock in the morning while we were all getting ready. And he would, I would have to play the bass, some other guy. And these are all guys that didn't want to do this. These are black guys, Mexican guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he'd play that, he'd always do the, we were near the ocean and he would always go, he was built like Mike Tyson, he was missing a front tooth, his face was just covered and he looked like, when you watch the Aryan Brotherhood documentaries, the cover guy, like that's what he looked like.


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[Assistant] He's like, hey, Steve, come here, come to my room, or come come over here. And I would say, yeah, yeah, Scott. And he would go, but he had another name too. And he would go, do you want to get sober, be roommates, live at the beach and have the best summer ever? And I would go, yeah. And he goes, guess what? We're already doing it. And then, and then he would go, all right, Dan, and cause,


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[Assistant] Yeah, he would always end everything with, alright Dan, and you would have to say, alright now, and it just got like OCD, like our whole rehab, he'd be like, alright Dan, and we would be like, alright now, that was the greeting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, uhm, I don't know if this is weird, but I haven't seen a Christmas tree in 11 years, cause he just got out of it. He goes, can I hug it? And the guy's like, okay, and he just went and hugged and kissed it. He was very flamboyant. He was so hard, he was flamboyant. It was out of control. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were both kind of being crazy, I was fucking a bunch of chicks, you know, and she was fucking a bunch of dudes, and, and, but we became best friends, like real best friends, and everybody's like, I know you're eating that. So you're legit, you're legit hanging out a lot. Truly, I really, you know, cause I wasn't getting laid, I never thought it would happen, I didn't know if it would happen, but it was, it was so fun hanging with her, I wanted to hang with her other, more than anybody else. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did a podcast together too with Tripley on all things comedy. We did International Bad Boys and it was like pretty cool but Sam and I got in this huge fight, blow up fight and it ended the podcast.


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[Assistant] No one heard the last, other than the live stream, like it still lives on my hard drive and my computer. But it's not out there? It's not out there. Oh, okay. We got a screaming match and it was me, my wife and Sam Tripoli and it was a very fun podcast. We all got along really well and it was awesome. And, uh, but I'd always... But at the end of it... Yea, it was a blow up and, and, and...


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[Assistant] Chelsea and I were on that podcast and in that podcast I'd always talk about this bukkake lifestyle. This bukkake thing that I had done. And you'd done. Well, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, okay, so I started interning at Big Brother Magazine.


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[Assistant] I watched like Steve-O, this was like before Jackass and I was like, dude, what? This is fucking rad Johnny Knoxville, all this stuff. And I just, I remember like just watching that going, I'm going to be in that next video. I just had this feeling and I was like, I'm going to be in that fucking next video. And he's like, how? And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. So I, uh,


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[Assistant] So, I was like, I have to get footage from these guys. So this was before like internet really, it was 98. And so I 411 Larry Flint Publications, so I saw at the end that Larry Flint made it. I kept calling Larry Flint, kept calling Larry Flint, said I need to talk to Big Brother Magazine, need to talk to Big Brother Magazine, was leaving the messages, messages, I want to intern for you.


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[Assistant] They didn't respond and so then my friend dressed up like a ninja, so I had a camera on my, on my shoulders and my friend dressed up like a ninja and attacked this roller blader and I got it on, on film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, I called them again, like I was like, I'm not stopping until, until I get this. And I called, I said, hey,