[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I, I never lost on me. And the fact that we walked into a bar and when a tell walked in, the place went nuts and they were all over him. I was like, that blew me away beyond like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I love this material, but that connection he had with them, I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a fan of all these people too. I listen to all the podcasts too. If you want to talk, let's talk. And I think maybe I started that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And maybe I, maybe I've, I've got it now, maybe I should get away from that a tad bit, but yeah, like. I mean, I don't shut people down or.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I met a guy, I met a guy, this is one of my favorite stories ever. I met a guy sitting next to me at lunch and he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the machine. Sitting right next to me, I go, hey man, what's up? I mean, by myself. Where are you? I have no idea. It had to be very, somewhere very recent. Okay. Cause this is a very recent story. You're on the road. I'm on the road. Machine. And I was like, what's up man? He was like, uh, he's like, nothing man, I gotta tell you, I love, I love your podcast, I'll listen to all you guys. I was like, oh cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, it might have been in LA, it might have been in LA, he goes, I gotta say, cause I think it was in LA, he goes, I gotta say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you're really fucking cool. I was like, I appreciate it man. And he was like, I met Tommy the other day. And he goes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, Tom, and Tom went, hey, I'm gonna eat dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to get this dinner or whatever. You were like, you were, you were nice. You're like, Hey, how you doing? And he's like, Tommy, I'm in, you're like, eh, I'm going to eat dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, in my head I was like, I wish I could fucking do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same guy. That guy's definitely listened to this. He's, I don't know where I was. I want to say I was in LA only because I might even have been with the girls or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Automatically, my, my story is different. If someone says that, I go, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Let me see. Like, I can-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In this area? Oh, wasn't the same one. That is, that is, I'm about to order some food or something. Just very casual, not a dick, but like, yea, this conversation's over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you go back and talk to him? No, but I wouldn't put it past me. Boundaries, boundaries. I don't have boundaries, I do not have boundaries. You're so right. I'm telling you right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, I, I think what you said, Bush, is, uh, like, I'm excited about doing podcasts with, like, insightful people this month, cause we're doing one in a couple weeks, it'll come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, I have, I have, I should, I should change my lifestyle and the way I work and I think that will change my lifestyle and the way I, I be healthy. Like if I would, if I was home for a week, like there's no poos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some guy saw me in DC the other day and he goes, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're skinny. And I was like, I was like, I'm not skinny. And he goes, well, Joe said you're 265. I thought you're 265.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, you know Tom was fatter than me when this started, right? And they were like, no. I go, hold on. And I was like, did he scrub the internet of pictures of him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got this hair filler stuff. Super million hairs. Cool. And I used to sprinkle it in for Bertha Conchmark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did me for the Fox one time and I was like, I came home and my sister was like, yo, you gotta buy that shit. And then I did it for every travel channel show I ever did. Cause I would see, I would, uh, I stopped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a great, that was a great job, blue man. By the way, I gotta tell you, uh, I gotta tell you my Joey Diaz story. Oh yeah, tell it, please. So I, Joey and I talked last night, he's like, dog, we go to breakfast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we go to this place, we eat breakfast, I almost said the name of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joey orders three eggs over easy, bacon, toast, pretty respectable breakfast. I just get coffee because I'm about to go for a run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch him. Have you ever seen him eat eggs? No. No. He, uh, he very lightly butters his toast, and then he goes in with a knife and cuts around the yolks. Sunny side up. Cuts, I mean, meticulously around the yolks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, I'm like, I guess, cause I've done that where you take a couple of the yolks out, cause you want the egg whites, but you don't want the yolks. And I was like, I've done that where you take a couple of egg whites out and you have one, but you get all the egg whites from the other ones. Then he throws away all the egg whites. And he goes, I don't fuck with the egg whites, dog. I just like the yolks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, that's my favorite part. That's why I get, uh, eggs, um, uh, uh, poached. Poached eggs are the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you nervous about this yoga class? Oh, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna turn 45 in, uh, on November 3rd in, on that Pimp Practical Joker's Cruise. You know how many people have told me for years that I look like Arty Lang?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you how many people this week said, uh, we love you, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? One guy said, we love you, Tom, in this audience. I went, I'm Bert. And he went, ah, same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only because, only because, only because, only because, uh, like, I, like I have, we have a family friend who's got a kid with Down syndrome, and uh, their worry is like their older parents, and their worry is what are they, what's he gonna do when they pass? And I wouldn't want my parents to have to worry about me like that. That's my only fear. But yea, I could get molested. I think I might have been molested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a night in question where I got in a concussion and something happened and I was always curious. How much older was the person? Uh, much older. I was 13.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know, but I don't know. I don't know. So I got in a concussion, and they were performing medical exams on me, and so like, but I was like, this is the middle of the night, why are we doing one in the middle of the night? But then I was like, I'm not gonna ask, I don't know. But I'm cool with it, I mean, I don't have any problems about it. Did you come? No, no, no, it wasn't bad, it was just some fondling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But help me, help me name my special. That's a great idea. Don't think that I haven't thought of calling it Burnt Chrysler. And me on top of a burnt out Chrysler, like, like, uh, like, with one arm raised in the sky in a Speedo. I've definitely thought about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what you need to do is be mindful about your spine, especially in the vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it was like you couldn't fit inside so he called you in because you have a narrower penis and he was like, it's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On our YouTube channel and some people are saying that I look pregnant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number two. Thug is incubating right now. As you call him. It's a boy. Yeaah. It's a boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeah, we're in second trimester and I've had to hide it this whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the holidays is when I had my first trimester, I got pregnant in October. So I got to be kind of sick and on the down low outside of all the cameras, which was nice. But then I couldn't hide it. The last two weeks I've been wearing sweatshirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and with your second child, apparently you show way quicker, and I was showing like at five weeks, I felt fat as shit already, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because I ate so much of it with Ellis, we should have named him Carlos Jr. Now this one, I'm eating-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Domino. Thin crust, extra cheese, and the pepperonis on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but nobody's named Domino. That'd be really original.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, Carl's Jr., we're gonna go and have his name legally changed to Carl's Jr., and then this one we're gonna do Domino. Domino. I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Joey Diaz was very worried that I might become a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I've been the nasty supreme of this household. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's in our home life, but on stage I would say that I'm the nastier one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's why it makes more of an impact. I'm even nastier because-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you were like, have you ever heard of uhm, the scrum gobbler? The chum smuggler?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're funny. The problem with balls, there's a, there's a smell sometimes if they're not clean enough, but other than that, balls are pretty low maintenance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta put this one aside for Dr. Drew, the ball worship. Try it out. Make a Drew list. True. This time you beat me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing man, anything that doesn't evolve, come on my face, or getting an STD, like nothing can happen from putting- How much would you do? Balls in your mouth. Big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the going rate for something like, I mean not, not as, not as me now. Yeah, you now. Oh, as like a comedian mother of almost two children. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't care if my life is in the toilet for the rest of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just say, yeaah, like 20 years ago, I'm just, who cares, I'm gonna ruin my life. Yeaah. Let's just say I'm one of those girls, like it's just, it's never gonna happen for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would make it, and I'd do the eyelash on the balls, and I'd put my feet on the balls, like I'd be the ball queen, is how I would do it. Right, right. You know, I'd make a business out of it. That's pretty good. And I'd charge guys to come over and then I'd smash their balls or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's extra money though. See, cause I've already ruined my life. I'm the ball lady for the rest of it. So I really gotta, yeah, I gotta try it out. You gotta try it out. Try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, as I was saying, if you really want to throw it in the toilet. But you gotta think in terms of branding and long term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that bad. But the farting, that's not bad either. The fart videos, easy money. Really, of all the genres, uhm, the fart video is the easiest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's the would you rather. It's the word you place to shame. It's the original would you rather. Would you rather masturbate in front of your family? Or have them masturbate on you. Right. So it's, am I going to assume responsibility and be mentally ill? Or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, with us is the fantastic Paul Gilmartin from the, uh, mental illness happy hour. Clap for Paul. I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, he's been a guest on That's Deep Row, I've been a guest on his show, and I thought, why not have him on your mom's house? This is a perfect fit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's this whole thing about shame, uh, in, uh, when it comes to women's menstrual cycles. And so some women like to reclaim, uh, their menstrual cycle and, and that's what she's doing. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not the message at all. But there are some things you shouldn't share with social media. One of them would be rubbing menstrual blood on your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. That's exactly it. Right before you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've always thought that yes, that first of all pornography is empowering, being a stripper is empowering, rubbing menstrual blood on our faces is empowering. You know what though, what it boils down to is same strokes for everybody. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different strokes. For her, it's empowering. For me, I'm indifferent. I don't have any negativity towards menstrual blood. I don't have any preference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Paul, now that you said the actress thing, I feel like this was kind of an actory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, sorry to interrupt, but can I move this? Cause I can tell that it's blocking my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but now can you be, is he cool? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Just for editing, cause I can see him. Oh yeah. Perfect. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard Dr. Drugo, adrenaline junkies, oh you mean alcoholics, like it's a similar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They come out almost hot. See, I don't get those but my stomach will start hurting and I'll get gas under my ribs. And I found out I'm lactose intolerant. And you know what's bullshit by the way?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I kind of like it because I like the shittiness of it. I like shitty, you know what I like? McDonald's Sundays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like my TV. I like my TV. Mom likes her shows. I go down rabbit holes of shows. Like, binging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta slow it down because I'm preggers right now. Slow it down? Well no, because I've already gained too much weight for the pregnancy, like I got, I got it talking to from the doctor already, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I was eating, I was doing Domino's pizza for like the first trimester cause you're so, you're nauseous so you don't really want to eat. So when you do want to eat, it's gonna be crap just because like your body wants carbs, the baby wants carbs. So I was like waffles, pizza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think you, I mean, I'm, I rein it in too when I have to. No, you're not out of control. That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, and he goes at the bottom of the sheet, it's like, and once a week you can splurge and have two ounces of ice cream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much money for you to learn Chewbacca language? And I mean learn it fluently? Like, I know you're doing Rosetta Stone for Italian. You're doing Rosetta Stone for Wookie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you have to test every week and you have to be fluent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I go to Hungary, I'm not very good at Hungarian unless I'm there for like a month and then I'll kind of maybe pick up a little, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, they're so rude over there. The Hungarians? Oh my god. That's why I barely try. Because like, I remember the last time I went there, like in 99 or something, or 2004 or whatever, I was like trying to order, and he kept correcting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My pronunciation and grammar, but like in a cocksucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would try to. Wow. And I was like, bro, I'm trying. Like, you know what I'm fucking saying. Right, right, right. Like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, but neighbors, same thing. Same shit, different toilet. The cousins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's my thing, if you push it in the bowl, what if it rubs against the inner rim and touches


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, but I heard, you know, male comics are always joking about when they get older their balls sag and they can touch the water. Does that happen? Look, some guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know, but then again, okay, what are the most popular searches for porn? It's MILF porn is one of the top category. It's not the, uhm, the ball licking, the fist, double fist, anal fucking, it's not the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gay, I read the, I heard some podcasts where straight guys are searching for gay stuff, meaning there's a lot more gay men out there than are, are copping to basically, they're saying they're gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if I may, because I'm kind of the queen of infinity wipes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is why I invented shit to shower. For me, the only way to stop the wiping...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is to take a shower, and I don't know why that is, but the minute you take soap and water to your hiney, you're gonna stop the wipes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause here's the thing, there's already brown all over you, you're already in the, it's already messy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Especially as the mom. There's a thing called mom brain and it starts, for me it started in the third trimester of my last pregnancy and for the first year. You remember that? I would just forget. Cause you're so sleep deprived and you're just so mush, your brain is mush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last night I was saying to Tommy, I'm like, I'm 41 years old, I think I'm finally the official age where I don't know shit about pop culture. Like, I know about Cardi B, and I'm like fascinated by her, and that's it. Right. Right, it's a singer, she's a singer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huge, she's, she's very successful right now, and uhm, that's all I know. Maybe the voice, I know Blake Shelton was on there, but I'm officially that, that turning point where you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know that all the time. I have to do the never eat soggy Wheaties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't, I think one is fine. Like I'm not, I'm not chasing the dragon here. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't even imagine that, you guys. The clean up? The clean up's gotta be terrible for men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And especially cause if you, that adolescent phase, where it's like non-stop, and ugh, it's just gotta be disgusting for your mother, who's cleaning up your clothes and your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I struggle in my head. I'm like, oh, I'm uncomfortable, but is it because I'm like a prude? Am I being close minded here? Am I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I would never see Hamilton. I think I'm so, I'm the lamest in terms of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well those two were both fun. He was fun and she was fun. So that was a win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you that your show is such a huge public service to people, to humanity, and I advise everybody listening to this show to check out Paul's show if you don't already know about it. Uhm, cause you explore every facet of human existence, and like, there's no other person doing it. There's no, there's nowhere else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, where people are being interviewed about being bipolar or being a Hasidic Jew and being molested as a child or whatever the scenario. And what I really love on your website, which is mentalpod.com, he has these surveys up that people take anonymously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so you can see what people are really have had happen to them in their lives. You know, things that you wouldn't want to admit in public and you can read what people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's just, it's amazing. It's such a great show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uhm. I hate everybody. Ecosex. I hate the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man milk Mondays is the best day of the week and the sexiest also because man milk is really the most powerful way to start your day. It's full of vitamins and proteins that makes you really strong and also very, very happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand that not everybody is in a relationship, but get a boyfriend, get a girlfriend, have fun, life is short, have sex, but of course be safe, don't get an STD out there, protect yourself, have a safe partner, but definitely enjoy life. Man milk is so amazing. It's so amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you have a boyfriend and he gives you his man milk. You're not taking advantage of anybody. If anything, it is a win-win situation. So technically,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man milk Monday. Hopefully you guys all get a little bit of man milk out of your system and into your girlfriends or boyfriends and vice versa. Enjoy each other guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there's- Just follow up, I can't hear myself. You can't hear yourself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna know something yesterday? What? I had Top Dog and Charo in here, we'll get to that obviously a little bit later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was 30 minutes into talking to them. I play something for them to watch. And my dad goes, I can't hear it. And I go, you can't hear it? And he goes, no. And I go, well can you hear me right now? And he goes, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He never plugged them in. No, they were unplugged. He just sat with headphones on, unplugged. I was like, didn't it occur to you that there was no sound coming through?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna give credit for that song that was Look at the River by Matt Mercer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeah, listen, welcome to all our new listeners. Welcome to your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, there's a lot to go over today. Oh my god. Last few weeks have been big weeks on this show because we had Martin Riese, uh, the water sommelier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That episode got a lot of traction. A lot of people, uh, really interested in, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but also even when in restaurants I'll say, what type of water? And the guy, even yesterday, he goes, we have triple purified blah blah blah, or we have this spring water. I go, bring me the spring water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty, pretty good stuff. That was super fun. Uhm, okay. Well, uh, why don't we, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. So, uh, a whole new world just opened up to us. Marrying yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you need to look in the mirror and change things inside and out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That should be a different party altogether. Yeaah, it's not a- Still not a wedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that just must be once you talk to her, you're like, Oh God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, but just don't do this. That's what I would say too. I think if you're probably a nice lady, and if you talk to her, you'd be like, I understand, but also, could you just not do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause this isn't legal to begin with, right? This is not recognized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't walk in and go, are you single or married? I'm married. It's nonsense. I'm married to you. I'm married to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You need to find your therapist. You're not fooling anyone, first of all, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's always that thing, I do feel like it comes from women. Almost exclusively, you know, not to be unfavorable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The can't handle me mentality. Guys, I never hear guys say, she's couldn't handle me bro. Like guys never say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm too much of this, like he's too successful. You know, I think he needs a girl. I'm a woman. Right. Stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember I went out with this girl a couple times in college. Yeah. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I blew her off and then months later, you know, I ran into her and she had this really snappy, like she was, she acted like everything was cool. And then she was like, uh, have you found a girl? Uh, cause I know you like girls, like young girls and not women. And I just wanted to be like, look, you're built.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a fucking linebacker. Like that's why we didn't go out again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, no, I went out, we had dinner, uh, and we had drinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go like, this is a interesting person and everything, but I'm not attracted to you. What are you supposed to do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no chemistry. I could have conversations with her because she was really intelligent. It was fun to talk to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I enjoyed it, but like, I'm not into you in that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They weren't super hungry now. They were enough. Yeah, but like I just, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, see big slaps, big milk drops, big G.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to hang, I want to put a bucket under those tits. Let them just drip all night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The train station essentially. But I noticed that her gear is a lot like what you would wear. Her gear is exactly what I want. You love her fanny pack. I love her fanny pack. It looks like a onesie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does that upset her? It doesn't seem like she's that upset. Uh, look this thing has a water bottle in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they were under the table. That's the thing, they were sitting under the table. Imagine that, you're at a table and some lady's tits are sitting underneath the table. That's where they were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really could see you wearing that. Yea, I could too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how she's mic'd and you pick up the audio only from the camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, so her in the building watch buildings. Yeah. Yeah, she's not doing so well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's a really beautiful, like there are beautiful buildings, and the environment's fun to go to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember asking where the Notre Dame was to a local policeman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got off a subway and it was like, I learned that, I think it was like, ooh eh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mercy. Mercy buckets. Mercy buckets, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I'd marry building for a while, like I said, if it was a really nice building. And I like the area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's a simulation dating. Like that movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a good movie. That was a good movie. Uh, isn't that Joaquin? Forget everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what's your fucking pronoun? Cause it doesn't seem to be the one I thought it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, really kind of toeing that line of pronouns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the real question. Where are you getting that nut? I mean, I can get it on a building.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you cover your keys, you could get a real problem. It could seep into all those little creases, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On your stomach or on your, you know, your shirts or something. My shirts? Yea, I'll lay out your clothes and jizz on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know man. I mean, it seems like it really is for the loneliest of the lonely. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's like, uh, you just get, you're super, you're super lonely, you're dating your fucking Nintendo, and then you're planning a, you know, fucking trench coat hit on somebody. That's the problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trust my building. But even though people are walking in and out of her everyday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had really bad diarrhea. I had an upper respiratory infection and I got an antibiotic. I had never had this happen where I had the worst side effects of this antibiotic, which were, which was intense diarrhea. I mean, it took me down for a couple of days. So it's terrible. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That just on a mere listen from your conversation with Martin, that Tom's knowledge about the contents of what was in each type of water was vastly superior to Mommy Tina's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At times, it's though as if Tom actually knew what was in the water before Martin even said anything about the water, even where it was from. This may stem from Tom's superiority with accents. When Mommy Tina Yorkie sipped her water, she was clearly dumbfounded on what she was even tasting. When she would have thoughts about what she tasted, it reminded me only


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of Helen Keller's excited cries of wata when she discovered how to speak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope I was of some help to add on the mountain of evidence for Pro Tom. It's The Water Champ, thanks, and see you in Breast Balls Beach, Michael.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, I'm living, I'm an American living in Singapore. I'm sure I spotted a complete psychopath on the public bus yesterday. It was high and tight cisgendered businessman in a suit, but something was terribly wrong. I noticed he was wearing his watch over the sleeve of his shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What an obviously psychotic fashion choice. The only reason I can think of to wear your watch over your sleeve is to detonate some type of remote bomb. I would rather wear orthopedic shoes as earmuffs. Way in on this. Thanks, Jean. Jake. Jake, you're completely right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also, by the way, I've seen it more, so I know some people, more people do it. I think it's bananas when people wear their watch on the inside of the wrist. That's terrible. You know, so they turn their wrist inside. I hate that!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the whole thing was that more people are, I think they said that right handed people put on their left and more people are right handed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because then the dominant hand is free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no excuse to wear those period with or without socks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's other options out there. You know what we're talking about, those strap-on velcro sandals?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, those are terrible. There's no excuse. There's really no excuse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when you've given up. They chop off the hair. They stop coloring it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they put those on and they're like, I gotta get what I gotta get. I'm out there taking care of life. Yea, it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just like being outside. These are just comfortable, and you know, they get the job done. No they don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some type of, right, the texture of the- It's black, actually. It's gross. They look funky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My girlfriend and I were having this discussion today. She said the only time I ever wash my feet is when you're in the shower with me and you make me. The rest of the time they get washed from the soapy water going down my body. I on the other hand


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, unless there's something like there's like a step on tar or something, you know? But that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people do have just naturally funkier feet, so maybe they need to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, uh, during playoff coverage a few days ago, I think on TNT, they were doing whatever, they were doing a remote shot and, uh, or they're at the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's always been a big point of discussion about whether it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It measures up to his enormity. Cause people, I think the rumor is that it doesn't. In other words that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that it's like teeny tiny, it's just that it's not in proportion to his size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it's like, a lot of athletes, particularly in basketball, cause you are stopping all the time, jumping, running, and they play these, you know, their seasons are 82 game seasons, and then you practice every day, a lot of them have really fucked up feet. It's hard to maintain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it's that the shoe is a problem. It's just the level of activity. It's so much more than, you know, your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're constantly pivoting, jumping, running. Someone's stomping on you. And then you play a game the next day and the next day and the next day and the next day. I remember Jordan's feet were super fucked up. I saw a photo once. Can I bring it up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a book of it, of none of his feet, but of him and they, he was on the trainer's table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember the comment from his wife was like, I can't believe you let them take a picture of that. Cause she didn't, she was kind of like trying to protect them, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, it's really common for these athletes to have super fun. Is that it? Is that Jordan? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they celebrate things. Uhm, they just are, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy is upset about things. It's different. Grumpy Dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've driven on road, it isn't unnerving to drive on this kind of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine walking by and seeing that guy making that. No. Uhm, alright, so we gotta get to this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a new listener to the show, uh, one of our all time great regulars on this show


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has been, uh, my father. And sometimes my mother. And yesterday I had them in here. For a little sit down where I got to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just talk to them in general and also catch up on some, uh, some show topics and even play some games with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad can't pronounce words. He always says words wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also, he mispronounces words that I don't like for years, right? He would say, uh, pediophile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would go, every time he said it, I would know what he was trying to say. But I would go, what's that? And he would turn to me like, a guy that fucks kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'd say, so you mean pedophile? Yeah, yeah. And then he would just move on. I go, why do you keep saying it wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like, we're both news junkies, right? We both read news, watch news. He'll be like, did you hear this, uh, Steve Bannon is doing- I go, it's Bannon. I go, you hear it a hundred times a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same guy. But it's not a new guy that they mentioned once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, they were saying this Gerard Kushner has gotten like Gerard? Jared Kushner? Yeah. Like why do you, why are you saying Gerard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's so bizarre to me. So uhm, I think you'll really enjoy. I'm gonna mute our mics just to hear how this starts. It's audio only. People will always inevitably go, why isn't there video of them? They're old, they don't want to be video. You know, it's just like when...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you bust out a camera, my mom will be like, go away, take a picture away. She doesn't want to be on camera. So, uh, it's, believe me, the audio is more than sufficient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just for a moment, I'm gonna mute us, just so you can hear this only. Cause I want you to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seriously, seriously, it'll really ruin this. It'll really ruin this. We won't be able to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does it smell that bad? How can you act like you don't know if it smells that bad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had walked into the, and just entered the living room. Like, I'm not kidding you, it smelled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a sewage canal. And I go, what the fuck is that? And he goes, I just had a little one. And I was like, and my mom, I go, cause...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was just telling him right there, I go, if you fart here, this is over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like other people's farts. People don't understand. It's really not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They farted loudly because we were watching a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there would be like a scene where, you know, like the scene fades out, and my mom went, RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause what happened was, Christina took you and you were wearing a bra that, that they all, they measured you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, well, I didn't, I didn't persist. I have to Google European bra sizes versus American. Okay. Okay. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you got up there? Well these are numbers, so 28. Well let's go to cup size, screw the numbers, okay? Okay. We're talking. Cups, really? Numbers are good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, it's because he wants them spelling out. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the, the bra that's ill-fitting is exciting to him because tits are falling out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and ruin his, his tit pleasure. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Triple D or E. Or actually if they're UK, yea, if it was UKG it would be an F. But that makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The comfort provided by the good fitting bra eliminates what he likes. Spillage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was the first person to ever say tits don't fart. She answered that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seems like he's making his case. You gotta respect the case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there's a, this mic home right here where I mute his mic. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First kiss was it yesterday or today? I can't remember. I'm about 25 kisses to your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, Tommy has a beard. Doesn't give me, I'm clean shaven every day of my life. Uhm. That's true. It's true. So it's, it's really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About, you know, it was probably almost, almost twenty years ago when I had


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what I did was the other day, a little time, I went back and revisited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I told you about that when I, I had a little fumble in the office. Recently? Yeaah. What happened? I couldn't get, I was heading in there, I thought I had perfect timing, but I had, you know, on some suits they had that other hook, and I had trouble getting that undone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And before I could make the turn and drop the drawers, I had a little fumble. How much? Not a lot, but enough to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go in the wrong places where I had to actually- Did you go home? No, what I did was I just, uh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good sound. How far? Do you know that uhm, there's this couple, a mother and son that got married?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yeah. Can you imagine marrying one of your children? No. That's a joke, no? No. You cannot marry your son. I know, they just got arrested. Wait, in what part? Uhm, I forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. This has to be a joke. No, it's for real. They got arrested. It was in the news. We followed up on the story. They got arrested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What can, what happens is I present to you two scenarios, okay? And,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to pick one. In other words, it's two things that are undesirable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, that's the game. It's just a, it's just a logic game. And then you explain why. So in other words, if I said, uh, would you rather


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, eat nothing but, uh, marshmallows or only get to sleep 30 minutes at a time. Those are both things you don't want to do, but you go, I would take the marshmallows because I, I could deal with eating that. I have to get like, you have to explain why you chose one or the other. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, the first one that came in for you was Charo. Would you rather eat nothing but vegetables and you can visit casinos as much as you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or no casinos, but you can eat whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I think that you're saying that, but the reality would be too hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About, about how good she is at, at taking these casinos to the cleaners. Oh my gosh. She cleans the, uh, she cleans them alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, she fills them up with so much money, they have to be taken out and, uh, claimed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's super petite, like she's like 105 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I thought too. That's what I'm saying though. I don't think she's facing the reality on that one. It's just that she really does love casinos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom, by the way, if you're thinking poker player, mm-mm. Just slots, man. Just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much were you betting on that? Cause my problem with you, as somebody that doesn't do it a lot, is I always think you bet too little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was working some casinos, I think I told you. And as I'm walking to my, to the showroom,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I walked by the high dollar slots, so I just put in a $20 thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go all, on all the cruises you want, but it's only to Vietnam. Or you have to wear tight jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To people that don't know, you have to understand a couple things. He's a Vietnam vet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He hates everything like Asian cuisine, all that. The whole world, I think, as a byproduct of being more there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also hates informal wear. Only wears- Hates jeans! Yea, hates them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I could cruise wherever I want, yeaah, versus going to Vietnam, that'd get old pretty fast buddy, let me tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they thought they actually ordered them for me. Really? Nice ones? Never took the tax off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, if I, if I go, if I go shooting, next time I go clay pitching shooting, I might wear them. Really? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw you in a pair of jeans and black sneakers and I thought it looked really good actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. They look good on you. Yeah, but that's an easy, that's an easy one for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am, I am, I was, I did, I got frustrated. So she's going to follow. I'm following you. Following me, okay. Oh boy. She gets behind, she gets behind a truck. And this is on 95? Yeaah. Going south on a truck, getting behind a truck. It's going 45 and a 70.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we were under the, we were, we got, I don't know how many thousand cars were on the expressway that day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For those outside of California, substitute highway for freeway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People think that's a, they're like, what is that? Same thing, they call it a freeway out here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a tough one because there's some things in Asia that I could eat like duck, yeah, noodles, right, shrimp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Selection of the menu. Yeah, I would do the Asian food. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if, if, if you have to dictate what Asian food it is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not going to eat dog, okay, for example. I'm not eating dog, nuoc ma, that's another Vietnamese thing, I'm not going to eat that. There are some things that I just would never eat. So you choose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a, in a cold, cold room, AC is on like 65. Oh my gosh. But you can, you can have all the sweets you want. Or.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we have a good one for you. Okay, so we're going, for you rather dad, you work in a gay bar as a server, topless, so you wear pants but no shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could do one month of Nancy Pelosi. Oh, you could do that? As your wife. You have to wake up next to her. You have to have breakfast with her. You have to have dinner with her. You don't have to have lunch with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could probably, again, I could try to win, win her over to my arguments, which would be fruitless. Of course. Since I never win any arguments with your mother, uhm, which I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but they're just hanging from your forehead. Or, each one of your fingers is a nipple. Every finger. To have ten nipple fingertips?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about how hard it would be to do everyday things, because you don't have fingers, you have nipples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a good point. I think I would just keep four little dicks on my forehead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the nipples. Really? Oh sure. How come? The thing is I see it as the nipples as fingers actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think they have to be out. But they're just aesthetically weird. No, aesthetically monster, not weird. Why would you choose the nipples? I think four penises from your forehead. It's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. You think they would discriminate against you? Oh no, they wouldn't discriminate against me. They'd, they'd, you know, they would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, what happens if some of them work and some of them don't? Okay. Then you got a real... That's called the ups and downs, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't picture- I used to picture them like, uh, growths almost, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette? I dunno. Artificial intelligence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did the blonde get fired from the banana plantation? I give up. Because she threw out all the bent ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's told me this joke and he told it on our show already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he tries on one of these. That's a joke about the poli sea captain? Yes. Okay. You probably want me to come up with some new jokes eventually. It would be nice. I'll work on that. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need to play that would you rather. I think they already decided and they are retarded. That's what I get from this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I couldn't come up with an answer for that in a million years. Because it said concentrate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, at most it's worth a smile. You go, you kinda smirk at it like, oh that's clever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a solid joke to laugh out loud that hard at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think it's also very telling that his absolute favorite, favorite, favorite by far, think of mine, is my most undeveloped, my elementary level stand-up, if you will. My first thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm basically a, you know, a new comic and I'm, every night I'm trying to make this stuff work and it's very kind of laid out joke joke. He's like, that's my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And anything past that, he's like, yeah. But you know on that first one, that's all he ever talks about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel it inside of me when he still brings that up, that first album. Like I'm still like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It just never changes. And the other thing is that it's repeated. In other words, he'll point the same thing out to me a hundred times about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next week he might go, where are you going? I'm going to uh, Tucson. Remember on that Minnesota thing you did where you said to the guy, what's your name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have no idea. A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear about the two blondes? They're driving down I-75. Oh my god. He told me that one. A hundred times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you thinking about filing suit? I'd like to. Oh, how about blogging?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would that be a joke? What's it called when a blonde blows another blonde's ear? Wind tunnel. Yep, that's the punchline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't ask for the punch. Well also, where's the punchline there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is it good to have a blonde passenger in your car? I have no idea. You can park in the handicap zone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe this. I know. How do you get a blonde to marry you? I don't know. Tell her she's pregnant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was terrible. Last time it was medical malpractice suits and deaths. Randomly they would just drop them on you. This time it was, she had 20 years, 30 years, 40 years ago, she was like, sheeing a lot. And then they're like, we're just going to open your urethra more. And the doctor scheduled it without examining it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know my thing that was funny was uh, see to me it's very normal that somebody does what she's doing now, which is tell you their feelings about how much they appreciate it. I hate it so much. And you're like, so uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So funny to me. So nobody would say like, thanks for taking care of us. It was a blast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About, you know, all, like you remember the things and like how that made you feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a big speech about their gratitude, about what a great trip. Then they both called from the hotel like an hour later to say it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then a text, then I woke up to a new text message, and then they called me again this morning. In addition to saying it to like, yeah, it's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing is if somebody doesn't say that, it's supposed to mean that they really didn't have a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same thing about food. Like if they try it and you go, how is it? And somebody goes, it's good. That means this isn't good. Because if it's really good, you would go on and on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did like it. He did like it. He didn't go overboard, but he did like it because he talked about it. Uhm, even when we were watching. Well, he ate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a whole segment of the population that's non-binary. Do you remember that? That is not what? Non-binary. I think we should revisit this later. Later. Let's take a break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, this is, uh, here, let me do this. This is something that maybe will cleanse the palette, and then we can wrap up the show, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy can play the trumpet like you wouldn't believe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does. I mean, I like that he's wearing a lab coat and a wig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I think it dresses it up. It becomes more of a performance. Because he's just Ted, you know, when he's wearing his regular clothes. And now he's this butt-trumpet master.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really gotta put that up on there tight. You gotta seal it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dr. Butt Trumpet. Dr. Butt Trumpet. Alright, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it, Jean. Uhm, anything else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a girl, Joe Rogan, that's a 12. With a guy that's a 4. I said, you're very beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Mhm. Oh, I've seen that, yea. That's a good movie. That's a good movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Silicone? Silica. Silica. And that's a mineral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's salt collected at the bottom, you can see. And you know, this thing stays like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horrible. That is. Yes. Terrible.


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[Assistant] I don't think you have to work dirty to be funny. Am I right? Oh my god. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up with Walmart? Am I right? Oh my gosh. Cats and dogs, they're different. They are totally different. Yea, it's scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we had a lot of fun at that show. We explored some, uh, interesting topics, but we have many more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well over half a million people every week and this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Question of trying to get some non-binaries has led to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Begging. We're like, please bring your non-binary ass to our life. And they're like, mm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's so much, uhm, yeaah, that was a DJ Dad Mouth exclusive. There's so much, uhm, that has, that has, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have an opportunity tonight at this show to actually introduce you to Blue Band, the eagle and producer of our show. You're gonna see him. He goes through the emails, he, he assort, he makes those clips, you know, every, every fucking thing that you hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause people send to our PO box, people send like a little bird feed and they go, give it to Blue Band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you think, but Ari, Ari, Ari is Jewish looking, that's true. Ari's like offensively Jewish looking, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. He welshed on the bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, here's what he did. So, if you don't know, uhm, you know, we had this bet going, uh, Bart, Bart, Bernt and I had a bet going, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad will see it because he's not obese and now you guys might live that long too. Now Ari's writing shit like that. It's fucking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy is in his 80s and he does a direct injection and I was like, and I just asked, cause it was the topic, I go, oh wow, like, you know, is that something you're looking into? He's like, I got buffalo blood in me or some shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most amazing thing. Magical Johnson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my dad's though, you're right, I mean I think it's partly with age too, but I've seen him fucking, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've come into his bedroom where he just got out of the shower and he's like, hey buddy, he walks by and I see him like walk past me, throw his towel down, grab underwear


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked it up, and then I found, I read an article that, so all their die hard fans did that, and then, I guess they went away for a while, and then they had a comeback tour, but the comeback tour is like your die hard fans, so they all had that tattoo, and they were like, yea, that's no good anymore, we're not doing that policy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So all these people that got it tattooed could not benefit from it anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit, when you watch bands, it's always like two guys in the band that catch each other and they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's improvising. So, it's a scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Remember when MySpace was the shit? Like, you need to update your profile, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, but I'm saying he was engaging everybody, and then I feel like it was like one day you were just like, hey, Myspace, and they're like, you fucking piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think you have to like down, you can't do like, some people have that obnoxious photo, you have to kind of downplay it a little bit. What do you mean? Because people put photos that like are too flattering, you know? That's what I would do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, we did see that some people put like, like, you know, some people do real serious shit like, here man, I'm intellectual. Some girl had the fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you shouldn't have like, you have to meet every single one, it's a dumb way to meet somebody. There was the one kid though, he had the funniest, sometimes I think the funny ones are the way to go, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was the kid with the funny profile. That was, he had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A picture of him. He was 18. He was wearing sunglasses, he has a cigarette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hanging out of his mouth, and he has a rifle, and he's like, the butt of it is in his hip, and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in his profile was uhm, what's the difference between jelly and jam? And then it said, I can't jelly a dick in your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out on a date to go on a hike, and she said no.


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[Assistant] Hall of Fame greatest guest we've ever had, we'll get it, is back here with us and we could not be happier to have him. Uh, you know him, you love him, please give a warm round of applause to the one and only Yoshi everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that opening clip was about this new product that we can't show them, uh, obviously, but they can hear it. And I want to know if you have ever experimented with something like this. You'll see it on the screen here, okay? No, the screen in front of me. Oh, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, wait, so we were talking about, because, you know, we've been together since, since, uh, online dating took off. Do you do online anything? Like any Tinder profile, something like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. It's just like the gaze. Now, so you put his dick away for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's either clean up the crippled guy's jizz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you put lipstick on and then open and then I'd be like... Wait, you ever put a makeup on? Huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a Master of Accent submission that I would like to play for you. And uhm, you can tell me if you can decipher what this human being is saying. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can sound so like, how many people know what that guy was saying? Do any of you? You do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did he do that? I don't know, man. I don't know how the fuck he did that. Do you have, uh, like, British parents? Did you study over there? Live over there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says, if you were watching on the telly in your house,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was the 42nd minute and you're still going for that first goal. Would you leave and just make a brew? You wouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he says, but you see people leaving and coming back with pizza boxes in the main stand. I just think, where's the club gone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Master of accents. Now, were you able to put that together at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We decided, since we knew you were going to be a guest, we would pull some master of accents more in your wheelhouse. So,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In English, reading in English, but they have accents. And I want to know if you can tell


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something about cook. Yes, she says I cook an egg roll in my butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is from 4chan. This is, uh, people were writing to these women as they were recording, uhm, videos. So, let's see if you can put together this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it again, do it again. You might be able to get this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I thought it was clear, but just in case you don't know, he signs up for like the medical testing, so like when a new medication comes out, they have to make sure, you know, it has certain side effects and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Any place that is possible to have a show, there are, there are shows.


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[Assistant] Never really think about it. I don't think about that. No. You think about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then it becomes a problem. Yeaah. And those are the times where you get scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, did you say you're 55? 55 years old and still working, and do you have any decline in your, uh, desires to, no, same thing, you're just like a 16 year old kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamina's right. Yeah. And he's all...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stanima. Fuckin' asshole, I can't even get it right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you can have him on the show. I talked to him too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look great. For having, you're a fucking guinea pig. Jesus Christ, you look great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, a lot of you, uh, have, uh, participated and sent in your, uh, Hey Mommies, Thanks Jeans, and they've been, every week they get better and better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We pulled a couple to play here for you because people have been building on them, so I'm gonna play some of the latest submissions. We even had, I can't show you here, but we had a police officer do one, which is fucking amazing that a cop in uniform


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pulled up in his police car and was like, hi mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay. The original guy. This guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know where that goes. Uhm, alright. We, uh, we have to wrap this show up. Uhm. Play that one. What one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeans, thank you very much for coming to this live show. We had a blast doing it. First of all, how about a round of applause for our guest Yoshi Obayashi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And no, seriously, we always have a great time with you. Thank you for doing it. You guys though, uh, who are who we owe a huge thanks to for, for listening to the show every week, for coming out to events like this. These, this show tonight and the earlier show will both be, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Downloadable episodes, but it's you guys that make it possible. So thank you guys very much. Thank you guys. Thank you so much. Have a wonderful night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so when you call someone in jail, you can only talk to them for 15 minutes and then you have to wait off the phone for 15 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One guy, which is really fascinating, he was worth nine billion dollars and Bernie was telling him that he had to give seven of it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, like, every single move they made, this one guy wanted to make money. Every single, like, there was never, you can't, you couldn't ever show any losses at all. This guy would freak out. And he had, like, again, seven billion dollars


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, his thing was like, these people, these people, they're not starving. That's what his thing is. We're not talking about people in Africa. You know, we're not talking about starving villagers. We're just talking about people. His own son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just perspective man, people get crazy.


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[Assistant] Kim is like the matriarch of the- Did you guys cover her fake ass?


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[Assistant] I mean her legs are so scrawny and then she has this giant fake butt. So what they would do with Photoshop is stretch out the thigh to meet the ass so it doesn't look so


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a- like that. What the fuck is that?


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[Assistant] When you say she looks good, it's like yeaah, she's not fat. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a real big juicy ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, that's what an ass, a big, juicy, real ass is supposed to look like. It's not preposterous, it's just outstanding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a photo there that has the two of them side by side. You just cursor it over right there. That's Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian. The one with the white right here. Here? Here. Here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kids on YouTube talking about eating cum. We should all eat cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching, uh, Anthony Robbins' Instagram stories. Tony Robbins is in, uh, he's in Australia. And he gets out to that, uh, what's that, uh, Black Eyed Peas song, Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night, and he's out there, yes, and he's clapping with his big fucking Frankenstein hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's like he's, his energy is kind of forced and he's got-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, about, uh, I dated a girl once and she told me that when guys drink, uh, fruit juice, especially pineapple juice, it makes your cum taste better. And I was like, how many dicks do you have to suck before you figure that out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I did see a little bit of it on Instagram and on Twitter with the hashtag BIRDISFAT. You saw some of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Adam Carolla had a podcast. He had it back then. I think he did. But when he had it, it was like a radio show. He did his like a radio show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still does, right? Yeah, well that's actually his downfall now, I think. Really? Yeah, I think people get, they don't want to hear commercials every 15 minutes. Right. It's not necessary, you know? And, uh, I think, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just liked how Opie and Anthony had just people come in with no structure, a bunch of comics and just hang out and start talking.


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[Assistant] One episode got more than 6 million and the other one was like close to 7 million.


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[Assistant] That's nuts. Downloads. That is nuts, man. And then there's YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I started doing it on Justin TV, which was like this, uh, online webcasting thing way back in the day. And what we would do is we would do it live from the green room and Joey Diaz would always get mad, shut the fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was a long time ago. Yeah. And then uhm, that was probably like 2000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three or something. Whoa. Yeah, that's really long ago. Yeah. And then, um, when I got back from Colorado, I was kind of bummed out and, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just concentrate on, on doing difficult things. Sorry, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's definitely better as a human being. I think, I don't want, I have zero focus on being more famous. Zero. I pass on everything. Like as far as like doing talk shows or doing magazine articles or interviews. I pass on everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't wanna hear me, it's easy. It's easy to not hear me. Like you gotta go looking for me to hear me. I just think the more you put yourself out there,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially today with, you know, it's, this is, we're not talking about the 1990s, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my podcast built up 100% from someone telling other people. 100%. I didn't do anything to promote it. I've never done anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never done- That's banana. Yeah. I had one big bump when Rolling Stone did a story on me, and that was one of the most uncomfortable weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy following me around and hanging out and staring at me and writing things down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was a bump for sure. That gave me a bump. But all the other bumps were just, it just, it was a gradual, slow sort of escalation until about maybe two years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it just started really ramping up like ridiculously. Yeaah. Many millions more per month. Every month millions more. And then it just started getting scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One on one conversations with no interruptions for three hours with someone who you would never get a chance to do that in real life. Cause if you were at a dinner table with them, they would get up to go to the bathroom. They checked their phone. Other people would chime in. Someone else would come over. This is your own conversation. Just you and them alone in a room, just staring at each other and you get, you get an education through that. Like I've got, I've become.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I understand people better, I get, I understand motives better, I understand


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never, before I started doing podcasts, I would never thought being a conversationalist is a skill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it just becomes a real problem. A lack of awareness and a clumsiness can really sabotage and throw a monkey wrench into the gears of a conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it makes it real awkward because the other person is aware of it and they're trying to be gracious and get through it. And then, you know, it just, when someone else is talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get that person the most comfortable and the most relaxed and then the most like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Asked the questions with enough economy of words to get them to express themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's too much. CNN does like nine sometimes. Yeah, it's too much.


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[Assistant] And they're all, they're all just like trying to get their sound bites in. It's so obvious. I was watching something on Trump the other day and it was just fucking gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's what happens when you get a guy who does not understand what being president is and is used to running businesses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then all of a sudden you let him run the presidency and he's trying to run it like a business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People forget though that Clinton did the same thing. Clinton fired the head of the FBI as well. And he fired him in the middle of an investigation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think everybody wants it to. That has that sense too. Here's the question, what's inappropriate and what's illegal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, Hey, you know, when you do that, you've compromised all these people that were embedded in ISIS that were telling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the government about this plan that they have, now they have to get these people out and hope these people don't get assassinated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you can't, like in thinking, in him thinking that he's sharing information like, you know, I'll let you in on a secret. Like what you're doing is you're exposing sources.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instituto travel ban on Muslims? Are you out of your fucking mind? Like you can't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hilarious. You know, another thing that's hilarious, let's talk about the shows that he watches. They're number one because everyone knows I'm watching. Oh, right. Like, him saying that everyone knows that he's watching these Fox News shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I keep talking about Kanye. Kanye loves Trump. He loves Trump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the fact that he talks about himself like he's fucking Roy Jones Jr. Like when Roy Jones is in his prime, and Roy Jones is, I mean he was the baddest motherfucker on the planet and he was talking about it in his prime, it was a way to establish that he was, I mean it's a psychological thing. He was like when Roy Jones Jr. gets out there, Roy Jones Jr. gonna take care of business. And everybody's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was talking about, like, this, this superhuman force that was Roy Jones Jr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he had a drunken moment with a, it's a famous drunken moment with a reporter where he was talking about how he has the power.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To uhm, just go into a room and make the decision to kill 6 million people with a nuclear bomb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that, you know, that that hangs over him. Yeah, apparently he was intoxicated when he was talking about this, this, this nuclear option power. That's another very terrifying thing about the president. The president really does have legitimate power to wipe out, to wipe out, to use nukes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he has a lot more power than we thought they did because there was so much restraint showed by Clinton and even by Bush, believe it or not. Like Bush has even criticized the Trump administration, which is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hilarious. It is. I mean, who knows? It's good in that we need to know that this is a stupid fucking position that no one should really have. No one should really have the ability to just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be the top chimp over 300 plus million people. It's crazy that you give anybody that power. There's no reason to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even a philosopher king is subject to the, I mean, if he has an ego, and if he's a human being, he has the same possibility of going out of their fucking minds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just too much. Why risk it? It's just there should be way more checks and balances in place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's a bad job and it's not a, it's not a smart job. It's a, it was a job that made sense back when we were dealing with kings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was a fairly good system for the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when you deal with electronic media and our ability to gather information, instantaneously, and communicate information, like, there's no reason why we shouldn't be able to vote online. None. None.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should all be able to vote online. And registration should be super easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lock her up. Oh, that was like a big chant during the campaign, remember? Yea. Wow, he's done shit way worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what else is interesting, uhm, that I was listening to the Sam Harris podcast that we're talking about. I like him, his books are good. Yeaah, he's amazing. The real, the real interesting issue is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ebb and flow of support and that if the pro Trump media unitedly turned on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck all those other countries. But when we started bombing Syria, we dropped the Moab bomb and all this different stuff, there was a lot of people that expressed some, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For whatever reason, they just decide they don't like them anymore. Which can easily happen. Totally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it with these people once they get into office? Even Obama, once he got into office, like became kind of a different person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is a great, uh, animated gift though, where he looks over at her, and she's smiling, and then he turns away, and she's like, she's like, instantaneously. That's at the inauguration.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dick, can you suck? Right. I mean, think about it, it's a great gig. Yeah. Cause he's probably only horny a couple days a week. He's old!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's killed Noah's Ark with a recurve bow. A recurve bow is like a traditional old school bow. It's like legit, this dude is awesome. Oh yeah, he's one of the best bow hunters in the world. Recognized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that guy needs to find Pussy. Yeah, Pussy's so much better. If he did, he would just abandon all those numbers. He keeps rattling. It's a F-4-5-6-2-9. Here's the, uh, solar eclipse. That's why they're dads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy seems so into it, with so much knowledge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you sure they're dads? That guy might be a loner. Well yeah, I think we're labeling dad. Yeah, you're calling them dads because they're older guys. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And this was like a dream, like his dreams. I don't know. He had it in his head that he wanted to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna get more from Hannah now. Hannah's gonna start crying. For sure. I caught him farting on my seat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exciting when he goes to shows, when he does a great show. I do. I get excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very happy for you. I'm very excited for you. Seattle's on the short list of places I would live outside of LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seattle's base is Microsoft and Amazon and there's a lot of tech money there and a lot of really smart people. Yea. And it's also super green.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I feel like being next to the ocean and super green, like seeing a lot of green mountains and something about that's just better for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's an interesting cat. Like he's literally, when he dies, he will die and leave it all to charity. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Warren Buffett also lives in like the same house that he bought like 30 years ago in Omaha, Nebraska. It's a super normal house. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that difficult. I don't like that many spots as much as I like longer spots. I think longer spots, like two long spots, I'd take two one half hour spots over eight 15 minute spots. Because as far as like developing material, I think it's really important to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is crazy. Yeah, well, no, one, one different, two the same, and one was, uh, the, um, uh, Jeremiah Watkins Fuck Around show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then one day you have a new bit, and then you go, oh, and then there's that thing that I did on stage that night, and then it's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and I know like this pit's going well, uh, is developing well, I will...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Outside of stand up, I'll sit in front of my computer and just write on that subject.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like the matrix font, and I just sit there and I can't access email, I don't get notifications, nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's different. It's a different thing, but the energy when you get 6,000 people laughing is crazy. It's weird. It's just like, it's a roar. It's a, it's a, it's a different feeling. But you know, man, I just, I really like creating stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really like putting together a stand up, you know, and I really love the process of writing things down and like going over my notes.


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[Assistant] I love the process of creating new material. I love the process of sitting in front of that laptop and staring at the screen.


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[Assistant] And then recording it and then listening to the recording on the way home. It's like the whole process to me is, is


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[Assistant] It's my favorite thing to do. It really is.


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[Assistant] Like why, why don't we? Because we're fucking lazy.


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[Assistant] Are getting babysitters, they're spending their money, they're coming out to see you, and there's this massive responsibility to incite a reaction in them.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've, I've, I just think it's constantly, and then my standards always get higher too. It's like I needed, I can't.


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[Assistant] You did that really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like maybe I could have cut this down. Maybe I should have, maybe this isn't as good as this part, you know, all that.


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[Assistant] It's weird, it's always the case. They're always like big self-promoters too.


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[Assistant] Just show up at my show and ask to do a guest set. I'd like the Chicago Theater. That's crazy. I'm not kidding. Yea, 3,700 people. Hey, I'd like to do a guest set.


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[Assistant] Hey, I'd like you to go fuck yourself. Are you crazy? What do you tell them? What do you tell them? I say, no. I go, dude, this is all set up. Like, this guy's gonna do 20, uh, you know, he's gonna, Ian's gonna do 20, Tony Hinchcliffe's gonna do 20, and then I'm doing an hour and ten. Like, this is what it is. This is the show. Like, there's no room for your guest set. I'll just do like seven minutes.


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[Assistant] No, you're not doing anything. I don't even know what you're doing. What if you go up on stage and you start doing my subjects?


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[Assistant] You know, like say if you were going to be in town doing a wedding or something like that, like you were a friend who was getting married, something like that. You're like, dude, you're working that night.


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[Assistant] Oh, it's a problem. It's a problem. Yeaah. It becomes a problem because then the audience is mad at you.


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[Assistant] Right, he's just a guy that the club found funny and they go, I've got an open week for a middle.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Kreischer. He's, yeah. Uh, Tosh. Tosh from Florida too. He's from Florida too. Dammit, there goes my theory. Sorry. Todd Berry. Todd Berry's from Florida too? Really? Oh no. Wow.


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[Assistant] There's one other guy too that's really funny that came out of Florida


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[Assistant] Well, there's no community. Right. You know, apparently there was developing one in Miami, cause last time I was in Miami was a couple of years ago, and I did the, uh, you know they have that South Beach Comedy Festival? That's right. I went with you on that one. That's right. Yeah. And we were, after the show, we were talking to some people at one of the local bars, and they're like, yeah, we're local comics. We have like,


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[Assistant] Paper it. Because then the people just start talking. They don't give a fuck. It doesn't mean anything. They'll get up and leave in the middle of the show. Nothing invested in it.


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[Assistant] Weird, like there's a laugh, like almost like there's a sadness that permeates the show, even when they laugh, like hahahaha.


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[Assistant] Oh. Well, Diaz and Ari and I did a show at Foxwoods a few years back, and uhm, and I told them before, and I go, it was like a Monday and a Tuesday night, because they had a comedy club at Foxwoods.


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[Assistant] I go, yeah, it sucked. It's just, it's just, the people were, they wouldn't stop heckling. They were yelling out during our reset, yelling out during, even Diaz is like, we just shut the fuck up.


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[Assistant] First of all, she's older than me. Second of all, she's my mom.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? The US wants to jail them for 18 months. Well that'll fix it. They got arrested. They actually got arrested. Oh well they should definitely arrest him. Who gives a fuck if you want to fuck your mom?


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[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no. The gay people, they, see, that's, it's definitely, unless you're fucking your dad. It's different. Yeah. Well, that's different. Well, speaking of that,


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[Assistant] No, I really don't, I'm not good with injuries. Really?


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[Assistant] You gotta realize, I've probably seen more people


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[Assistant] Think about that. All the different concussions I've seen. All the different knockouts.


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[Assistant] It was so fucking crazy. I was watching like, oh my god, like my whole body. You know that thing we get?


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[Assistant] I mean, this is like a cliche thing to say, but don't you think that that in some ways is evolution?


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[Assistant] There's something there. I mean, what could, what would be best case scenario there?


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[Assistant] I'm a symphony in the morning. Do you find that your digestive tract and everything is working be- excuse me, working better since your diet? 100%.


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[Assistant] It kills you. You got used to it for a while, right? And now that you're not used to it, you're


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[Assistant] Oh, those are great. I love those too. Those are so light. But you know, they have Zevia water, where it's just like the tiniest hint of flavor. It's more like a La Croix.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so they have the Zevia soda, they have Zevia, uh, um, energy drinks too, which are amazing. They're really good. There's so much better taste in the Red Bull.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if you go like, uh, like a radio contest or haze.


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[Assistant] I remember that. You kept throwing down the water. We talked about it. You had like nine or ten fucking bottles in front of you.


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[Assistant] Playing ketchup suckers. You guys wanna buy into that shit?


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[Assistant] Yeah, he, he was trying to catch up at the end. Whereas you had a sustained effort, a disciplined effort over a long period of time.


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[Assistant] But what's crazy is, okay, but here's the thing, say he's 43. You can't do that when you're 50. I agree.


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[Assistant] I agree. I mean, you kinda can, but you're, you're gonna fall apart. Well, you can if you have those Mickey Mantle jeans.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that long form DNA. Long strand DNA. Yeah, there comes a point in time where your body's like, hey man, you can't do this every day. I know. It's enough.


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[Assistant] How does it make you think this is waiting for your motherfucking call?


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[Assistant] The hardest niggas is standing by, ready to pick up that phone. Buff niggas, dark niggas, Asian niggas, white niggas


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[Assistant] It's like yeaah man. I mean that's what people, they get into everybody, they're not just there for me, they're looking at the lighting guy, and they're looking at the ocean.


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[Assistant] Like, when did we, like, when did Wheeler start doing that?


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[Assistant] Don't you think that's enough? Like I, I'm so, um, afraid of, of that kind of authority. Like when, when there's no exit for you, like you're on that plane, bro. You're, you're under their mercy. Like just follow the rules, dipshit.


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[Assistant] But, real talk, that's gotta be such a hard job. I mean, you're dealing with-


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[Assistant] The general public who can't seem to figure out simple shit like put a fucking bag under the seat in front of you or put it up there or, you know, consolidate your goods. Things like that, you know, people are dumb as fuck.


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[Assistant] It is crazy, especially uhm, if it's like an early morning flight. Sometimes I'm real grumpy.


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[Assistant] I think that's why I have so much respect and admiration for the period lady. Cause like, I've had thoughts like that, but for someone to just say it, I really respect that. I really admire it.


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[Assistant] And I've been there emotionally, I just have never let the damn burst like that, but I feel like I, you know, I get it.


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[Assistant] It's a raggot. My favorite. I mean, you can always identify them by their stupid jewelry.


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[Assistant] That it's a white guy talking like a Rastafarian dude?


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[Assistant] Oh, I'm sorry. I heard Rasta. I thought he was pretending to be like a Jamaican bro.


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[Assistant] So, this whole time I was like, oh, come on, I swear I hear that, I thought I heard.


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[Assistant] I don't wanna see his fuckin' smelly armpit. I don't wanna see his stupid fuckin' gold band.


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[Assistant] Right, and again, I don't, I don't think you need to teach men.


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[Assistant] A little bit, there, and uhm, yeaah. It's out there, guys. It's on my Twitter feed.


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[Assistant] Now this, you know, what is this Kama Sutra?