[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got a lot of pressure on them, and it's just, you have to have a really strong sense of yourself and patience. Cause even when you go back to the precinct, everyone's kind of being an asshole. Cause they're bringing in their like, strokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see the Ron Coleman documentary on Netflix? The Ron Coleman? Ronnie Coleman? The bodybuilder? No. Anytime Mr. Olympia?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go and he just keeps going. It's pretty impressive. I'm like that. I'm a lot like that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, I felt very alone in like what I thought was funny when I was younger. Yeah. My brother's cool. And uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he makes suggestions which are always about like farting or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My pig sister does not understand me. Love her, we love each other. Right. I mean, I always, I was an odd child too. You know, they didn't test for things back then, but I would fly a kite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For hours and just pee my pants and just keep lying. Like I was that kind of kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it hurts me in some ways, like I leave my car door open the other day, I'll just leave my car running, stuff like that happens if I'm thinking about something else. It's dangerous. I probably shouldn't have a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The love, I just got on some apps, it's going terribly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little less than that. They're, they're not great pics. I didn't think a lot about it, but they're fine. I look fine. You're not doing jokey pictures. No, no, just like straight up whatever. But I had a breakup, uh, in early September and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, we were long distance for a couple years and then she moved in and five days later we broke up. What? You know how it is to move an entire person's life into your house. Wait a minute, how long were you together long distance? Like two years. And we're talking like another coast? No, Las Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought there was a little bit of jealousy and going through my things, breaking into my email stuff, which is not acceptable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I justified like, oh, once she moves in, cause everything else was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'll, see, I don't do anything. And she'll like, uhm, not be jealous or something. But when she moved in, I realized, oh, this is just how it's gonna always be for my whole life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With like my hands up my head. But she gave me good advice, she said go back to the house, break up and then leave. Don't get into a negotiation, which is good advice. Cause I went back, it was really bad but I was like, you know, you stay here and, you know, I'm gonna go. But then she didn't leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was homeless for like 9 hours. She didn't leave the house? She didn't leave and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She texted me, okay I'm gone, you can come back. I go back, it's dark now, lights are off, car's gone. She's not gone. She's in the house? She's hiding in my bed in the dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so I, yeaah, I went in my house and my dog came up to me, who I talked to like, an insane person. Uh huh. And I was, this just came out of me, I go, tough night! To my dog, which she must have heard in his hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my dog. And then I turned the corner and I was like, ooh! Like I made another


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think tough night and ehh, made her feel like not that attractive so she left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyway, since, when on Bumble, when on Hinge. And I've had-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm actually in a relationship. Really? Yeaah, I mean, I'm all for smashing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I try to be a good guy and like I plan the date and I do this thing so, you know, you hear you're supposed to do that's enough. Let's see what it says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the day one was good. So I go, uh, text ends with like, great, see you there, see you then, great. And so the day I write, hey, do you want to meet there at 645? And she writes, uhm, are we still going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The date was fine. Did you end up going? Yeah, and it was okay. It just was, that was a weird thing. You think she was just being really insecure?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, yeaah, I think no filter and she felt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Insulted that I... That you didn't call her the day before also? That's the thing, there's rules, and I did so many things right, I think. I planned the thing, I bought the, it was like a hundred bucks, I mean, I'm not, I'm not sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we had this follow-up date. Is this an interesting story? Yeah, I like it. Because you guys can just cut this out, I don't know. No, no, no. Uhm, alright, so then we had this, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is my first foyer into dating. I love it. After this. This is what happens. So uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then we had plans, and, uh, I wasn't feeling great, so I, you know, told her I wasn't feeling great, and, uh, I was like, I wanna give you 100%, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, are you free Tuesday, which is the next day, you know? The next available day? We had a Monday date, which was Tuesday, how about Tuesday? Because I wanted to make sure I was 100%. What were you, were you getting sick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just in case I'm not, I'm feeling worse tomorrow. I don't want to cancel on her that day. It'll ruin everything. I'll tell her today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I'm not feeling 100%. Well, how about Tuesday? Just so I have enough extra day. I thought that was okay. She wrote to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be honest, I'm kind of feeling unsure about you and the things you tell me. What? Anyways, I hope you find what you're looking for. Good luck on your bumble dates. Peace sign.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is normal. Okay, see. I mean, this story isn't over. Even though we all want it to be, it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure I'm reading it wrong. Oh my god, I might be an idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she called me, I didn't pick up, then she said, please call if you didn't already, uh, block my number. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then today she texted, now I'm sick, karma's real, this all sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was also the last time at the paint and sip of that text of, I didn't text


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, here's my profile. Let's see your profile pic. Alright, first of all, this first picture is douchey. Okay, then that's why. Okay, but let me help you. But it's like, who's texting me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys that good? Smiling and I got a mic. Pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even think, I don't like online dating, I think I'm just gonna, I'm gonna take a break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, I know that's super, that's so dumb. It's silly, don't do that though. You wanna have a picture with some friends, looks like you have friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Or put it like a little chiron that says friends and an arrow off the thing. There's friends over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll let you guys know when I smash. Dude, you gotta smash. It's so gross, isn't it? I mean, I think it's beautiful. This'll be you in a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pictures, like my profile pictures? Oh yeaah. It's gonna be hot. Aren't you when you're done just like ugh, what do we do? After you smash? Yeaah. It's a weird thing right? Especially with a stranger, like who are we now? What was that? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you meet my bro Kyle? You meet my bro? Like that right there, now I'm looking good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got high the other night and I bought a Tesla so you can just buy one and get by a couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My game is like, like yours, except ad, like crippling insecurity. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do sometimes. Do you do the home strips or do you go to like, There's like this thing you paint on, it's like a paint brush. Cum. What is it? Yeah, cum. Really? You just put the cum all over your face. Wow. On the cheeks, and then I have this retainer I wear like once a week. Seriously? And I'll just put it in that. That's enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it tells the whole story. It does. It makes you attracted. You know so much. I mean, there's like some especially who's young and has like already yellow in between. There's just, they're just going to bed with their, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't let that shit slide. It's hard to go, you know, you go to the dentist, get teeth cleaned every six months. They say every three months. How often?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they, they say that the plaque in your gums, it'll end your life quicker too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although I have a theory that it's not that you don't take care of your teeth, it's just if you build a plaque easily on your teeth, maybe you build a plaque easily on your arteries. That's a theory I have, but I haven't heard that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much money? And be serious, what's the lowest you would take to make love to this woman? You have to do very nice, whisper nice things in her ear. She's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's very white. You're like 20 grand. Maybe you would do it for 20 grand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you can't finish, you don't, you don't get anything. Like, you've gone through the whole thing, and that's pressure on you that you may not be able to face. Okay, so let's go, let's work in reverse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's funding that? You puking on this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm definitely under a hundred grand. I'll tell you that right out of the box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One rim and I'm back to, uh, her lady part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she keeps telling you about this FedEx guy that annoyed her the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna do it. I'm not doing Tinder. It's two for the kids. Just do it, man. I'm 47. So what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, do you recognize that? Like, we have a really good life. Because most people get used to their life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make a woman feel good for a little while. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful thing. Yeah, she needs it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She straps on a dildo and you gotta take it for five minutes as she's yelling at you as she makes you wear a FedEx outfit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Yea, what is your drug history like? I was pretty much a square, and then I've recently done a lot of marijuana at night to sleep. That's nice. Do jellies and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to take those, uh, Diazepams or whatever, like those, uh, or Lunesta, and I find the marijuana is not as, I don't get as hungover, and it seems like it doesn't affect me in a negative way, I hope. Seems like it's okay though. Cool. What do you guys do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I would have an easier time with her. Cause she's got a real look that I could get into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had never had sex with a girl before and I came home from this party, it was a college, you know, and she's like, Kyle Dunnigan, get up here. She was drunk and we had sex really fast and she was 21 which seemed so old to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if she had sex with me, like she's probably, you know, very, uh, so this is 1990, if you had unprotected sex, you got AIDS. That was like what they were saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I embarrassed myself, I was like, crying. You were? Yea, I was crying. You look like you got AIDS. I was like, where you get like one word out, like, I just got AIDS. And then uhm, anyway, but it actually helped out because later on,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never got tested because you couldn't get tested on campus. And then I was going to this Billy Joel concert, right? This all gets back to AIDS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm in the back and I'm so far away at Yankee Stadium, you're, he's playing piano man and you're hearing Uptown Girl. Like the sound. Right. So we sneak down, I get to the front row and I'm gonna jump on stage, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was a huge Billy Joel fan. You're like, I'm going to die anyways. I got AIDS. That's what I thought. Really? I wasn't going to do it. I chickened out and then I remembered, Oh, I have eight, I'm going to die anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then years later, 25 years later, almost to the day, I was on stage with Billy Joel randomly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Amy Schumer had his songs in her movie, and she basically had, cause she knew I liked Billy Joel, and she just put him in there, you know, for the other character. It's way down here? It's like one of the first videos I posted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so she was invited on stage cause, uh, to like dance during Uptown Girl and so she invited me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went and met him during rehearsal and it was so eerie because it was the same outdoor stadium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there it is. Wait, would it go up? Oh, that's, no, sorry, go down. Up to the right is like the rehearsal for the one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, that's me showing him. That's him, that's you showing him the video? The video of me jumping on stage with AIDS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In his commute to work, a helicopter lands on his lawn and then he flies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a topless book I was trying to make. Tinder. That's a good Tinder shot? Course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are, man. Bro, we're trying to get- Thank you. No, that's cool. I didn't- I thought that was like the opposite of, uh, something I would turn women on. How about the upright pretender?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to be at the Largo theater, uh, December 18th in Los Angeles. And then I'm doing a tour like in February ish, which hasn't, which will be on my website. Okay. What's your website?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Katelyn, we respect you as a woman, so we want to be delicate here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've added two very tiny shows in the Yoohoo room at Flappers, Flappers, Comedy Club, and Sperm Bank, just to kind of wet my beak getting back into headlining, because I'm going to start touring in 2019. So in the Yoohoo room, come see me October 21st, that's a Sunday, and then October 28th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then November 10th in West Siloam. I'm assuming that's how you say it. How do you say West Siloam, Siloam Springs in Oklahoma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, November 24th, my first show in Mandiego has sold out. I've added a 10 o'clock show at the House of Brews in San Diego and then December 7th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the Gramercy Theater, get your tickets at Christina P online. And I'll be announcing 2019 dates very soon. Oh shit. So excited. And thank you for all your submissions for tour date, uh, tour names. Yeah. And, uh, we've made a decision. I'll let you know later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we've been talking about people who are so rude when they make their phone calls on speakerphone in public. It's probably my greatest pet peeve. It is mine too, only I've gotten a new one I'm gonna tell you about in a minute here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It bothers me too, but it proves I think a theory that we might be having that people that are doing their phone calls in public on speakerphone are either mentally ill or on drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. That's a new game we're gonna play on this show. And then we'll have Dr. Drew come in, and then he's gonna verify Dr. Mills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a really good burp. It was pretty good. The sound was good, it was crisp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk shit, instead of being like, your team sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It takes all the fun away from talking some shit. It does. You know what it is? It's because these social justice warriors


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they're just no fun and they're out policing all the fun in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, these are the new Puritans. They wanna make sure that whenever there's a whiff of, uh, fun, and, and levity, and busting balls, we're gonna stop all that good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, who's dumber, the Gator fans or the Miami Hurricane fans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so here's the deal, guys. This one's really horrifying. I like, first of all, I like where our fans are going. I like where the show is going. Every now and then we pick up a meme, a swell, and right now we're policing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Asshole behavior in public and I think it is a public service we're doing. So I went to Bark Williams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a woman with really hangy tits, hangier than mine. Like I was in there just baking. I was like, no, I'm not doing that. But I go into the steam room because I can sit on a towel. So it separates my vagina from other people's shit, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in the steam room. I look fucking over. There is a woman. With shaving cream. And a razor. And this nasty bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is shaving, fully shaving her legs in the steam room. Eugh. At Birkle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cannot believe it. I was, I almost vomited right there. I literally went, oh hell no. Like I saw her, I sat down, I looked over, I went, hell no. And I got up and I told


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the staff, I was like, dude, there's a lady fully shaving her legs. I don't know what she's gonna shave next. Can somebody like, educate her on etiquette? This is completely inappropriate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well now I'm totally turned off to using any Burke Williams facility or any spa facility now. Cause I'm like, ugh, imagine what this nasty person's doing before you got there. And then I had someone else tell me their day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, how many dudes are peeing in the jacuzzi too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a sign in the bathroom at the spa that's like, you have to shower before, if you take a shit basically, you have to shower before you use the spa or the facilities. Who's doing that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, are you being serious? They give you a signal in the jacuzzi or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants you to see what he's working with. Yea, of course. Yea, he wants you to see. Now Europeans don't give a rip. Obviously. Totally different culture. That's different though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I think you and I are the same way in the spa because I'm kind of, I'm like, yeah, two babies. This is wrecked. This is all fucked. Like I'm never going to be able to be single again and be on the market. Like nobody's going to, no one's going to want this. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wear a towel, like, in the steam room, or the sauna, like, I'll be naked under the towel, and then I'll kinda sit in the towel, maybe unravel it a little kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'll go, you know, before this last encounter, I would go in the jacuzzi nude. But quickly, quickly. Like, take the robot off and just quickly go in there. Yeah, I mean, I've done it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially dudes, they're fuckin' nasty brown dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's, I can excuse that because the wife did go, ooh shh, I think this is the quiet waiting area. And then the husband goes, oh, oh, okay. And then he gets on his phone. Beep bop boop bop beep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Tick, tick, tick, tick, whoop. Tick, tick, tick, tick, whoop. I'm like, are you fucking joking? And then the phone rings and it's extra loud cause he's old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello? And he's, it's extra loud, cause they're old as fuck. And uhm, yeaah. And then the phone call, we're at the spa! Are you serious bro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, can I tell you at, cause I've been to the Gellert Hotel in Hungary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Budapest, which is like the most premiere, beautiful spa, you know. Again, again, again. And you, you know, you get naked, yes, you go in the thermal baths and this and that. You would never fucking see, like a Hungarian, like talking rudely. It's just, it's, they don't do it. You would be, somebody would fucking slit your throat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I know Starbucks has this policy where they call Starbucks your third place. You got your home, you got your, what does it work, and then Starbucks is your third place. I think they should really discontinue this logic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what they should do? Take away all this extra desk space and put more toilets in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause that's the flaw of many of Starbucks is there's often just one toilet for the entire...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, cubs of bowel torture, and they're like, nah, go shit somewhere else. It's completely wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, as somebody that's worked, I've worked a lot with the public. I've had many, many jobs. I've worked at Starbucks in the summer of 97. We've gone over this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The point is, and I've waged for us many times, there's like once a day there's something like this that happens, some person freaks out or gets crazy, the manager comes out, throws them out,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They might yell back at you a few more times. They might throw something at you. And usually that's it. And by the time the cops come, they're long gone. Or maybe they get a talking to from the cops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there was a guy that jerked off every day next to the retail store I worked at on Melrose. Every day. We called the cops on him every day and he'd show up and jerk off every day. The cops would come every day. It was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, a lot of times it's not vagrants, it can be, but just people who are just having a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. But now there's a cheat, you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he doesn't do no days off. Now that's a special kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh. You know what I like is that he's got those rhymes down. Yeah. That people have in the gym, like, teamwork makes the dream work, or whatever. Oh yeah, he's got it, yeah. Yeah, he's got his rhymes down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for those of you who aren't watching the show on YouTube, which you really should be, cause you can see the clips, you can subscribe, and you can watch, you can also watch us on, uh, we stream it on what's that shit called? Twitch!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get a membership too, it's not like one or two or three things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I come to find out there's been a little friend who's living in our AC unit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so we've been smelling something, I think, for like a week maybe. Kind of in denial, like, ah, what is this smell? That's interesting. And then, uh, yeah, come to find that there's little droppings around the AC unit, little shreddings of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pooping. Oh, cocked up every motherfucking hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeah, well first fucking, so I wake up at, you know, six in the morning, find that this rat is in there. First thing I do, cause you're not in town yet, I text our rat guy, cause we have a rat guy, cause we live in an area where there's lots of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, he shows up an hour later and he and I go around with the cocking gun and just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seal it up. He puts poison in the AC unit. Oh, there's so much poison in there. If that thing's not dead right now, that's like a bionic rat. I mean, he just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He loaded it up, he broke it up into pieces and fucking threw it. I mean, we killed that fucker. I can't wait to see it's fucking carcass too. Nasty rat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, to protect your child, I would do anything. I really would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so thankful that anybody even listens to our nonsense. Are you kidding me? No, I'm never f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you one weird, I don't know if I mentioned this, the night that Anthony Bourdain died, I dreamt about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is before I heard about it, I'm saying. It's pretty crazy. Simultaneously as he was in France.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and I woke up and I had just dreamt about him and my friend texted me that he died. I was like, well, that's kinda, that's a crazy one. Why? What is this a set up for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, tailgating and I woke up thinking how stupid it was that people do this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isaac. Yeaah. Cause he respects and loves his wife and would never want to subject her to the horrors of his beehole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get in there. Can I bring up one topic before we break? Very quickly, very important by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our 10 year ann- wedding anniversary come November 8th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the other night, you go, hey, I wonder how many farts we've had together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every morning. And I fart every morning too. So let's rack up. It's one in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A nighttime fart where you- Oh no, yeah, yeah, there's a fart in bed, there's a fart when you pee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I started in the morning and there's a morning fart when I get up. There might be a fart that slips out as I'm browning or peeing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we're together, it's an after lunch fart. Especially on this paleo diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what's mine? I'm half of that. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we redo our vows and then incorporate this knowledge into our wedding vows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, how nervous were you? Big time nervous. Scared to live somewhere new. But now you're here and you're driving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People aren't worried about their dicks ending up on the internet. Like you're not afraid, like one day you become like a huge comedian and they're like, oh, here's Josh Potter's cock back in 2000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think you're gonna meet her on the road? Probably. She's gonna be a fan? That's the best place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and my friends think you're totally hot. Me and my friends, they always say it wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, wait, you're, no, Josh, you're asking, uh, oh, I'm dead, I'm gone. Yes. Oh, oh, I have holes in different areas. No, I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's also, we just learned from an email or a listener email, it's a sign of immense disrespect to ask your spouse to eat your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh, the problem is, is that I, I have intimate knowledge of his dubs and his farts and what he's capable of and I hear it every morning through the wall and it sounds horrendous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wouldn't do that to Gosling? Gosh, I do like him so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Schnitzel! Hey! Schnitzel! Okay, she's out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, alright. How about we? You mean how about you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's wearing a diaper. And she just peed in the dye dye and she's showing us, like, yes, I'm- She's making sure you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My ex-stepmom? No. I would. How much money eating that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're right Josh, I think every woman should have a feed account, uh, pissing in the diaper account. I dunno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you can do it, I would do farting and peeing in the diaper. Easy. No problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How is this a whole genre? Like, I wonder how many people really are into that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's pretty bold to ask such a question at that moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The diaper stuff, I'm like, alright, I think the N-word stuff is just bizarre to me, like, I get it, I get why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I get that it's taboo so maybe that's why there's some, but I guess it's connected to hate? Or, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what the connection is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the pee I get cause it's all in the, the infantilism or whatever it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know why? Because I change diapers every day and maybe there's some connection to your mom or your dad lovingly taking care of you if you were a baby. So maybe they want to be cared for like they're small babies or something, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And soon he'll fall into the hands of the Northern Alliance and the Special Forces.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, really fun. I think I'd rather get John McCain than...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing though, they can give you like, butt herpes and stuff. Do you know what I mean? Like, you can get so many STDs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh. The na- oh gosh. At least I could close my eyes. Tom's brain and my dad's body. Unfortunately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I have one. Apropos our porn discussion. Okay, both of you guys, would you rather do...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The porno, middle eastern thing that we just saw. You're just an actor, you're the girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do the n-word scenario thing, you're the girl, but you're doing it in real life. Like you're with two black dudes and you're a blonde girl, and it's real life. And you're like, excuse me, I have a funny question. And you just kind of roll the dice and see what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's switch it and let's turn the tables. You're a white guy with a black girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's a scenario. It's this nice girl, you're taking care of her, but your kink is you want to call her that and you gotta ask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so what you're telling me is you, you, what would you rather do, the porno middle eastern thing, you're the girl, or a real life? You need to ask this chick if you can say the answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just your job. Now this is just your job. In the other scenario, the middle eastern scenario, you're quite literally just like the actress that day. Should I get paid? You get paid fifty whole dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh. Have you ever heard of, by the way, a thing called Cholo Goth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My hardcore. But see, goth girls is a cousin of the chola look. It's very similar. We like dark penciled eyebrows, red lips, pale skin. So I hung out with a lot of chola girls growing up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but wet and wild, cause Trollah Girls were wet and wild, same color red that the goth girls were. So we'd be at the mirror after P.E.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's what you can use it for. But we were in seventh grade. You know what the only class worth of shit was looking back? Was typing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just learned that. So what does it feel like to, to smoke that then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they, I remember there were stories on the news, like a woman would be able to lift a car if the baby was under it or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of like PCPs, I wanna say, I'm serious, that they couldn't, they couldn't like, restrain people and they had to start shooting them with the taser guns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you even got to show the taser on PCP, you'd be like, rawr, like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well math was popular in the 90s if I recall. Everyone in high school did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, that's right. Had a little problem with it. Uh, it was pretty popular in the 90s in LA. Yeah, and it was always in the clubs when I was a goth girl. All the goths were doing meth. You didn't get into that? No, I was afraid of it. I was afraid of it. From stories or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I did other stuff. I did LSD, I did, you know, pot, other shit. But I just thought it was nasty. I just knew it was synthetic, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you've got children, so you're, you've got, yeah, you're fully an adult. Okay, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because if he's gonna turn on the Amazon delivery guy for nothing, he's gonna turn on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's gonna, but don't you think he's gonna get me next? And my kids, I gotta protect the children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, but he said that she has to turn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's the nice thing. Now here's the thing. Now that's a ride or die move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would give you a two hour head start, and that's what Ryder Guy-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I like the way he thinks. Lawyer up, number one. Call the lawyer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's actually the smartest one we've heard. I might do that first and then give you a two hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also think it has to do with the highlights. They made her look sluttier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then now I'm gonna go too, Burt's terrible. Yeaah. Uh, I think because of the fillings. You know what this looks like too? Skin tones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, the inside is chaos. It's all fucked up, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he and I are pretty tied. Okay, so I'm gonna go, no, no, no, number one for the ugliest, ugliest, first place, Joey Diaz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Second place, Bert Kreisler. Bert Kreisler. Sorry Tommy, I'm gonna give you third place for the ugliest woman. Fourth, Joe Rogan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now see, you are kinda like a girl who...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do look like no bullshit though. You know what I mean? You're kind of a mean girl. Cause I've been hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ari is just that college slut. Don't you feel like he-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna run a seven man train up all in you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Florida's fuckin' weird. I've been offered, you know, hey, there's a hot tub back at our house, like by the owner and his wife, if you want to join us in the hot tub. A lot of swingers in Florida, a lot of swingers in Arizona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but have you ever seen a non-native English speaker do stand up? Yes. In America, and you're like, how the fuck did you? There's this Japanese girl, um, Aiko, I think her name is? Anyway, she does stand up, she's hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause there's such a different, the Latin culture. What's the show we watch? It's not called Sabado Domingo, but I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet, and you know what's cool about that show is that they'll do like comedy sketches, and then they'll do like a paternity test.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's brutal though. Dude, I didn't realize I got that wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not putting scorpions on poor guy's head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's you, dude. You gonna go to Tim Hortons? In Canada?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I've never actually witnessed that kind of, you know, revenge. I don't know. It's fucked up. I've never done it. I, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've kept extra change, like if I get extra change, I'm like, fuck yeah dude, that's your problem. That's a YP, not a MP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's creepy as fuck though. I don't like that- I don't like when people do videos when they're driving. It's very dangerous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never did anything super embarrassing when you were like so in love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No we are, we're just as damaged, if not worse, than strippers. Damn dude. Oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do too. It's hard for me to watch, it hurts inside. Cause I've felt that way for people too, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had a few of these guys in college, this is before the video era, they don't take no for an answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Justin Glasson with the Competitive Water Consumption Consortium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just have such a great and charismatic personality. We cannot wait to have you back in the future. Uhm, so that's all I got. Best of luck to you in the future, champ. Well done. Thanks, Justin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the number, it says it right on the side of the truck. Simple. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would be forgiven for thinking this is a meal with red wine. But the glasses actually contain blood. Cheers! Leah and Arrow aren't your average couple. They're actually real life vampires living in the sleepy town of Haven Hill, Suffolk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to a local university for college. There is this thing that we started doing where we would go to a, like an adult store and pick out like the cheesiest porn film, take it back to the dorm, and it was like a, like a judging competition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I take that into, you know, the situation of the young man on the flight because even, what, 36,000 feet in the air, he couldn't get away from these images. That's an addiction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as I was praying, I really began to feel protective over him. Over the kid jerking off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are God's beloved and most cherished son. Because I will have you suck this dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was telling Ethan that it's really inspiring to see you guys cause you both, you both have like your own career and kids and dogs. And you're normal, you're like cool people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like after I've seen the hospital and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like, you have a whole section of people and there's one person in doing their shift and then every two hours they like change everyone's diapers. And then you realize like this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we left Israel, when we moved here, we had about 100,000 subscribers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was also funny cause we were both like, we didn't know how to use the camera properly or sound or anything. So every week we tried to make it better and we like, starting from minus. Painful. Yeah, painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was one of the mandatory classes on the first year was video art. And uhm, they just gave us an assignment to make something. And I didn't want to be in it because I was so shy. So I brought a camera home and I was like, you want to do something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember my mom even was like, really? Why? Are you sure you don't want to find another job before you quit your job? And he's like, no, the point is to, he doesn't want to do that job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was also taking sculpture class, so I kept trying different stuff. I love this. I tried making sculptures that I was sewing, like, so one of them I wanted to make a doll of a girl sitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a Miley, it was meant to be Miley Cyrus. It was based on the Miley Cyrus on the Rocking Ball music video. So it was just like a weird character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He logged in on my phone because I feel like I don't have as much of a problem with it. I can control it more. So if he needs anything, he can do it on my phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you would justify it to yourself more, like, in a way that would make sense to you, instead of saying I just enjoy it. Right. You would think there's a reason to many reasons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It used to be mostly me, but lately it's Ethan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We tried to do that to one guy and he was like, he was gonna wait outside the restaurant and we went and got food for him and we come back out and he's not there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't like in a romantic way at the time. Really? I was interested. Okay, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Ethan and all the Americans told the Israelis, you guys should get Facebook. And like, what is that? That's how everyone, everyone was like over 10 years and it was kind of when the, it was like a trip, you know, we were a group. So everyone was like, oh, it's sad that it's ending. So let's all exchange emails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I guess most of them probably didn't actually stay in contact. And, and we did. We did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A year? And even then I just came to- I came here for two months and I went back and then another year. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what made it, actually, the fact that he was so persistent, cause I never thought it would be possible, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I came here first. Oh, you did, okay. When I finished the army, uh, everyone in Israel usually likes to take a trip somewhere. After the army. After the army, for like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I finished the army and then I was like, well everyone takes a trip somewhere, I'll go, I know where Ethan is, I'll just, and I had a brother here in LA too. So I was like, I'll make that my trip and I, like from the first moment, moved in with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, so you're like essentially visiting, but you moved in. Yeah, it went from like Skype relationship to living together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was almost like my, it was almost like my attempt at like, let me really see if I really can have an Israeli guy and make my life simpler. Cause this whole thing is going to be so complicated for everyone. And.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's just people want to do something with themselves. Like when you go to uhm, we went to Montreal and we were like, okay, what can we do here? And then there's like, oh, there's a museum. You're like, you know, I don't know. That's the top rated attraction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's okay. When the movie is good, but I'm tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very nice. But okay, Ethan loved the music and he kept playing the soundtrack. Oh fuuuck. And I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like catchy and it would get stuck in my head even though I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I first met Ethan, I used to think like that too, cause he would put on this like Dota, Starcraft, the nerdiest looking game. You look at it and you don't even understand what you're seeing. And he would watch people play and I didn't even know that existed. So now it makes sense to me after spending time and getting to know it. I don't know. I think it's just at first you're like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boyle Heights is like, uhm, when you, when you pass, when you leave downtown and you go east, and you see the first neighborhood, that's Boyle Heights. That's Boyle Heights, yeaah. And then once you get to like a street called Indiana, that's where Easter labor begins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Boyle Heights though, it's a rough neighborhood. Yeaah. But I grew up in a section where most of the housing projects were in Boyle Heights. Yeaah. Because the projects were kind of like Estrada Cores, Pickle Gardens, Aliso Village, and Grand Vista. Yeaah. And all these ones were, I guess, hazard projects. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when I go visit, like, I don't go visit too much, but like, uhm, homeboy industries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I would go there a lot, I would drop by sometimes just say hello to Father Greg and I would see like someone I grew up with who got locked up when I was a kid and he barely coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't believe that man. Yeah. I started going like, acting like a fool when I was older though, like 19. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, because I really liked school, but when I got out of school I was bored. You enjoyed school?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. A couple of friends of mine, when we were walking home, we saw these two guys, like, smoking a lot of weed, smoking weed, and they were listening to Eddie Murphy's Delirious. Like, with a ghetto blaster, like, just chilling, smoking weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we stood behind them till they kicked us out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And were those guys, like, encouraging? Were they telling you? Well, they were like, uhm, they've been doing it for a while, but I was straight up new. I didn't know, man. I was dressed like Foxy Bear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was wearing, I was wearing the coat like from the 80s with the patch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I saw stand-up comedy, I just think that everybody dressed like Mark Pitta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm talking about? Yes, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, I know that guy. And then you go, he has good bids. Northern California guy. Northern California, he's a radio guy out there. That's hilarious. That's funny. So I was, my first time, and oh, and I didn't have a tie, so I found a bolo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my hair was always bald like a gangster. Yeaah. So it was completely bald and I was doing stand up comedy like Uncle Fester.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forgot that immigrants, Latino immigrants are into goth too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of oldies, man. Like, I saw this video of, they had this goth walk. A bunch of little Mexican dudes in Mexico.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First time I saw a goth girl I didn't know. She came into all gothy, making no words. But she was dressed in black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I asked her, like trying to be funny, like it's 8th grade. And what happened man? Who died?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I needed to make up my grades, so like my teacher, well the counselor said, well you gotta take the, like everybody was picking out the cool classes, I was left with crap, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had to go between swimming class, swimming class or uhm, some other bullshit, right, like electronics. Cause I was uhm, when I was going to school,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, like, if you were going to school, I was barely where they were getting rid of the classes that were all industrial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the metal shop. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Safety is very important. Yeah. To the finger. Yeah. We took, I took metal shop with, I can't believe like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like almost like you gotta do a bunch of lines, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it was, drafting was where you make a whole, a whole pattern of a house in square, like here's the living room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With long hair and Levi jacket and- Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those little loafers, pendletons. Uh huh. Whatever they call them. Wallabies. So you clown them for that? No, you're clowning me because I was all dirty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then we were working, then he said, man, why you trying to work, get an air in this club? You trying to take over the family business, motherfuckers? He got mad, he punched me, we got into a fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's trying to break in, she's loaded up, she got pushed out the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you a big dude then? You're a big guy. I was little, I was like medium size, 5'9", 5'10". Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when I was in rehab, uhm. How old were you? I was like 21, 22 years old. Okay. I was in rehab and uhm, I never really spoke in public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, actually I did in kindergarten, but like, you know, you have an assembly, some kid will read in Spanish, one in English. I will read in Spanish. Uh huh. And uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, I was at rehab, saw this, we were like a bunch of men, heroin addicts, everyone, and this guy named Tim from the San Fernando Valley Mission, he was like a Catholic priest, no, no, a brother, like natural libre. He did like the sad work for the priest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I wrote down, you know, I have a dream where I wake up with no money, but I have money when I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm, I'm naked in class. You know, not those kind of dreams. It goes. So we wrote, okay, I want to be a comedian. I want to go to Italy because I love Olive Garden. Three, be happy. Four and five, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, uhm, it was like during like, we had a VCR, and my, you know back in the day, if you borrow a movie from somebody, there's like six movies attached to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, uh, we, we know, we know he, we liked him more because we, we laid, we laid, we laid it to him more. Yeah. His jokes were silly, you know, and funny for us because we remember better, like, kind of like Richard Pryor, like, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I never heard of these jokes, but my friends were. I remember, uhm, Paul Drew would perform at Belvedere Park at this annual Latino festival for Mexican Independence Day during the 80s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it was deep man, like, like if you went there, you knew what gang was there, and it was Maravilla, Maravilla Projects, cause the, the fair was in the Maravilla Projects, Babu Dior were connected to those projects, so, that's where Colombo and Sia grew up, those projects. Really? But that gang is deep Maravilla Projects, right, like the Maravilla Gang. But it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A clash of so many gangs there. There was always a fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was never there, I was too young to go, but my friend would tell me, yea, Paul G was there. He was throwing tortillas at everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I got, I wasn't a, I got a jump. You did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I used to hang around with these kids that were break dancers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then they became gangs and they started selling crack and I was always hanging around with him. And one time we were jumping a bunch of people because they were doing bad and I started jumping them too. Then somebody said, man, we never jumped your ass in. So then I got jumped in. Oh shit. So then you were in? Yeah. Which gang? I was a gang in the projects.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was out of it man, like, I was on PCP. Woah. You done that? No. No?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like the most popular drug in my neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll go like this, 15, and this guy will take a little vial and dip like a new port or a cool cigarette. And they have their own ports, and they'll be like, okay here's 15 dollars. All day long, all day long, all day long. Oh, by dipping it. Dipping it. Get wet. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It all depends, you know, if you're like already crazy and you're mad when you're doing it, you're gonna go do crazy stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you're in a chill state of mind and you do it? Well that's my friend Eli, that guy was the guy that he fixed everyone's car in the neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you were calling me like Fat Man or Whack Man or, you know, just bad names. But I was ignoring him. But he started pushing me and then like, I was trying to walk away, then he pushed me. Then I went for the sucker punch and I missed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was mad because he kinda punched me in the face. My nose started bleeding in my mouth immediately. And then he punched me in the eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, he was killing me, you know, he was fucking me up. But, uh, he got me in a chokehold, one of those holds, you know? Yea. I guess the UFC hold, they would call it now. Like a jujitsu hold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you know, people always talk about, you know, this is how you get out of this move. This is what you do if you ever get in this move. Nah man, this is what you do. You bite the motherfuckers ear off. You'll let go right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forget about whatever they taught you anywhere else. You bite the ear off, they let go, man. Is that how you did? Yea, I bit after the ear off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he let go, and right there, he tried to cry like a little girl. Woah. Cause it started stinging. Yeah. It started beating him up and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know man, I wanna see that Carter fight and you know what happened afterwards and what led to it. That's a real fight. You know, I don't know if you've ever been punched, you don't know what I'm talking about. So the adrenaline was going, PCP was in my head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. It went medical on his face. Yeaah, nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I blanked out after that. I didn't know. Anything. Anything. But they told me that uhm, his brothers jumped in and I fought both of them and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they beat me up cause I know I have more, I have like a blood on my t-shirt. Woah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uh, but uh, I guess that anger triggers it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that your favorite drug then? No, that's probably the last time I did it. Was then? Yeah. Oh wow, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty wild. Yeaah. But it's funny, like people would just pop out of PCP and join anywhere like birthday parties. Yeaah. What? Yeaah man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was at a birthday party eating like uhm, I was eating goat, you know, like Bidya. Goat with rice and beans, tortillas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like uhm, not like a lot, like everybody, you know, were like, were, I never smoked it. Yea. I didn't know how to do that, like, I thought it was for losers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never done it before. I wish I would have done it earlier. If I would have done it earlier, I probably would have never done no other drugs. Cause you enjoyed it that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching it, I was watching Clothing Control the first time, for the first time. I've never seen it before. And you were doing it on mushrooms. Yeaah. You must have loved it. It was awesome man, when uhm, when he was building that mountain, I was playing with my kneecap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? You'd probably have to kill her too. You'd have to kill her too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell us why you think she would turn you in. Because of murder, man. And what if you kill her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, when you roll up a carpet, you gotta burn the floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you roll up a body in the carpet, you're gonna burn the floor, man. Really? Fibers behind, little hair, especially a person with curly hair. Never kill a person with curly hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she would have turned me in, or gave me like a two hours to get away at least.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're not called a cop, maybe like a cop that I know on Facebook. And then uhm, ask him what would you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say, you know, I say, you know what, go out there, go eat what you wanna eat. Have a good time. Right. Tune yourself in in an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll go, we'll go after that. If I was going like that, if I was going like that, even though I'm vegan now, I would fucking just eat like three fucking big man's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was this, uh, were you prompted by your wife? No, I was, I was doing the Atkins diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was just eating cheese and meat, but I don't know shit. I wasn't drinking no water. It was just soda, cheese and meat. Then I was constipated, cooking a shit. Sure. Went to Lamaze class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like before I got ripped, I was like a lot of shit. A lot of blood. Really? I was telling people before I got ripped by a ghost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man. Then I just switched over to all vegan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seventh floor crew? He seen some shit. You seen some shit? I seen some shit, man. Yeah. I went to a swingers bar in, uhm, Phoenix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. That happened, that happened, well, it was no orgy, but people were getting lap dance after the comedy show at some place, some show I did in, I think. Scottsdale? No, Scottsdale, here in LA somewhere. Oh, here. By Pomona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it just kinda went from there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're prosthetic, I guess. But she just put a fake titty there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they were telling me she might come to the show. She didn't come to the show. But I got to see her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. They were just on the show, but. They barely had 30 minutes. Yeaah. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of the, the top five comedians, they already been, they already headlined before, they have been on Letterman. They've been on stuff, I think they've had half hours. What season were you? Seven. And who, like, who was in like your final few? And my final one was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Roy Woods Jr. He's very funny. Mike Kaplan. Yea, I know Mike, he's funny. Mike DiStefano, he died, rest in peace. And, uh, Tommy Johnigan. He's great. Oh, Johnigan. So you had good comics in your final five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the people that were like in the top 20, top 40, they also did well, like Cristela Alonso. I love Cristela.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got her show and Tiffany Haddish. Oh yeaah. And Lil Rel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rodman, he was ready, he'd been doing it forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't name them after that. I think the last winner wasn't even announced on television


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cinema email. Yeaah. With a bunch of claps emojis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know, like, TV is so thorough, you know, they check everything, background checks. Sure. I almost didn't get on the show because uhm, they found out that I had a bench warrant, like, I didn't go to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought to appear in court three times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it wasn't me. I told the cop, I told the private investigator for NBC and the lawyer, listen man, I got arrested one time and the only person who knows about that is Canada when I go to Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was my brother, my brother committed those crimes, not me. So I had to go find a photo of my brother and then they compared the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They let me go. No shit. But there was a comedian on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I know personally, they cut him out of the photo because they were gonna kick him out of the show anyways because I'm a criminal or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when they took the photo, I saw that they grabbed him and put him on the left side and then cut him on the TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when I won $250,000, my son's mom filed for child support. No lie, just give me brand new material.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She became the last baby mama standing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus after like 10% and all that, I felt like in that movie with Gina Turner, I just want my name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one thing I would understand, how like, you could owe just 25,000 dollars in child support.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went on tour on an 85 city tour and I got paid like extra more than the contestants who didn't win. And I got paid more than them, so I got 85 cities, it was like an extra chunk of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never stopped working. No, never stopped working. I'm very busy. Yeah, that's great. That's awesome. But then my special I did on Showtime, I did well on Showtime, but not that many people saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then they sold it to Netflix and they did really well on Netflix. That's great. And then you also did an HBO one. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I think the Netflix and the new president is the guy from I think Montreal Comedy Festival.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that guy, uhm, when he joined Netflix, he put my special back up on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. Oh, I have an HBO and Netflix. That's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Congratulations. And I'm working on doing another one, man. I'm gonna do a, hopefully I'll do a half hour special in Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I only spoke fluent Spanish for four years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now? I'm not fluent in Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking of doing the set from my old special cause it's easier but then I just want to do it all new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just googled all the- I just wrote down my bits and I have googled translated. Oh and you had the- oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you do it? Yea, I did it. How'd it go? It went okay. I got to look at words like hermaphrodite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did Spanish, I did like, I put together like a 7 minute set once for a Spanish television show and it went well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. But it was all my jokes on the first patch just lasted a punchline. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] La noche conocí una muchacha, me dijo duerme contigo, pero no hacemos el sexo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, okay, tomorrow we'll have lunch, but you don't eat, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, I met a woman last night, she said, I'll sleep with you but we can't have any sex. I said, alright, tomorrow morning when I have breakfast, you can't eat no food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I wanna do the special, like, if I get the chance to do it in Spanish, I wanna do it just for like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] American Spanish speakers. I don't want to go to Mexico and do it over there, you know. I'm not Telemundo style Spanish. I'm ghetto Spanish. So if I could get a ghetto out, ghetto Spanish people who barely speak English, like, you know, like the people that we see all the time. Those guys, like the people who sell bootlegs, those guys. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they both start crying like she hasn't seen her mom in 35 years. They'll tell you that she left her daughter here for adoption. She'll be wondering where her mom was. And then this little Apache looking mom comes up, poor as hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, the girl's like rich now, like doing well, like okay. And I watch her going, okay man, she's, she has to give up her daughter, man. She don't want to be like this. Yeah, yeah. Showing up with ducked ass, what, she's here on television. That's funny, man. Yeah. Poor, the tears, and he's, he's the king also at product placement. Yeah. He's a smart guy. Everything is for sale on that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I did one, none of his show, but another show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That contestant, and I was there with these two, like, these two girls, they were actresses, they were real pretty, they were, I guess, sitting next to me, and our heads were sticking out of this little cage, and then I guess they were gonna dump stuff on top of us if somebody gets it wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? So this is the pretty one, both pretty but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They dump, like, they, she wasn't expecting, she's like, makeup done, looking all cute. They dump dirt on her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they put a bucket of crickets down too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was there for 300 bucks now. So uhm, dude, there was live real fucking scorpions, and I don't know, like, scorpions have their own agenda, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they said, fuck Felipe's eyes, they're not eat that. This fucking scrubber was talking shit to me in that fucking bucket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as soon as they got free, they fucking like, they went at each other, man. It was like prison inmates getting lit out of the hole. This is the only chance to fight. Holy shit. So the Scorpion went at it and they left me alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just started screaming like you did. I went big, bro. Yeah, they love it. And I spit one out of my mouth. You scorpions?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes they blindfold you and they slap you with a burrito and you're gonna guess what type it is, al pastor or carne asada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that was coming, man. And they've been asking me back and I go, listen, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vancouver. What's that? They look lazy. That lady right there cleaning that wall like black. What the hell is she doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I can see it. They look like lazy employees. Thank you. I tend to agree with you. I mean, it's like, I've asked for extra ice every time. Dude, you ever get a cup from Burger King and you get your soda with like four ice? I hate that shit. Like, it just went like this. You could feel it swishing in there. You could just tell how lazy he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you know, like, if you're like, at a restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You took it on the waiter was not really his fault because he was to grab the food from the loser ass cook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would never do that to an employee because I worked there. And let me tell you man, I take care of a lot of people. I used to work at a restaurant and this guy kept yelling that the hot dog was undercooked, overcooked, undercooked. And then I saw the hot dog cook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, they put it back on the grill, and then uhm, they got, they let it burn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they gave it back to the guy, and the guy gave him a five dollar tip for having an extra burn. But they were kicking it out, they were on the floor earlier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that was a mistake that one time I gave this guy less money and I'm looking at his 20 and I said wow, he took it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saturday and Friday I'll be in the Majestic Theater in Dallas, Texas. Next week I'll be at the Tampa Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come check that out. Also, I'm coming to Toledo, funny bone, but I don't know what month it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you can check out FelipeWorld.com, my first time there. And I'm coming to Seattle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the Moore. The Moore Theater, and I'm coming to Denver for New Year's Eve. At the Paramount. Yea, I'm gonna get there early, hang out. You know Smoke Pod, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you were the one that smoked PCP with Tracy Morgan and had that Tracy Morgan PCP story. No, that's Bird's story. Oh, okay. Cause I did uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I remember, I didn't know that, um, cause I know that, um, Jay Moore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I thought it was you. The whole time I thought it was you. Nah, that was him. I was like, nah, I can't picture Thompson grow up doing PCP or actually having a conversation with Tracy Morgan for longer than an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, but your story you said about Bruce Bruce?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On point. I work with Bruce Bruce and Mike Epps. And he is cool, huh? Super cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, and like, if uhm, Bruce Bruce makes fun of somebody who makes fun of them, then off stage too, huh, real smooth, like, we wear no shoes for, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time this lady was wearing like some flat shoes, and then he looked at me and goes, Felipe, look at that lady's shoes. Her shoes and her pants were afraid of heights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I watch a lot of Netflix, but I don't like to watch the whole thing. Cause I don't want to get influenced by the comic I'm watching. So I watch only 10 minutes. And if it's 12, hot. It's hot. Like yours is hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, yours too. I'm not just saying because I'm here, but I did watch them. Oh, awesome. I actually shared yours, I said. It was from, another immigrant with a special. Yeah. And uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know Lovell Crawford? Yea. Oh my god. His first 12 minutes are fucking hilarious. Is it on Netflix? Yea. I showed it to my son, my stepson. He's 14. He died. And then he went to go show it to his stepbrother. He does this bit about uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How they show, like, people on, on, on prices right and who, who never s- sometimes they show you shit they never seen before in their lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I saw a stripper on the way to a bastard party and I left my comedy card on her car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He sound like George's cousin. Uhm, what's his name? From North Bergen. George.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What can you do when it's almost in your video like that you call cops or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They say that the sting of the tarantula hawk is number two on the insect sting pain index.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like being stunned with a taser and they say it puts you into a state of paralysis for up to five minutes where all you can do is scream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he ever have regular interchor, like vaginal interchores?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a added show, a new show, uhm, it's a second show being added in Eugene's Oregon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All one word, try it out. And then, at the on sale, the general on sale will be Friday, June 29th, getting at 10am Pacific. But if you want to get those pre-sale tickets, use that code, word, try it out, all one word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In addition to those stinky little jeans. Who is this by the way? This is instrumental 2 by BG Jovi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, few tickets left. There's a sold out show in Breast Balls Beach. Couple tickets left for a Brea Thursday show. Uhm, it's the Friday in Breast Balls Beach Florida that has, West Palm Beach that has tickets. Uh, let's see. About 50 tickets left in Boise. Ball Sacramento, Fresno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bakersfield, those are all on sale. Park Meyers, Florida in November. Good one. Uh, Jack Meowthville, Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A second show was added in Orlando. The first one is sold out. Augusta?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Montclair and fill her up, Delphia. For people who have been asking about other cities, they will all be announced soon as part of a huge nationwide, perhaps some international dates. Uhm, those will all happen in 2019, but that's gonna be probably pretty close to it for me for the year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sorry. Pechanga, Temecula, uh, that's also November 30th and that went on sale. Gene, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I stopped into the, uh, I did a set at the, uh, Gramercy one time with, uh, Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock. Oh well, no big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, Jean, uhm, so much fun. We have a couple of great guests joining us today. That'll be here in a little while. We have a lot to go over. Uhm, you ready to get down with this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's just one of those things, man. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my goodness, I don't know what the fuck's going on with this guy. Uhm, real quick, just to, before I forget, the uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Twitch, just in case you're interested, we're doing this show two hours before, uh, it drops on YouTube. So YouTube, the show drops


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 11 PM Pacific Tuesday evenings. That's when it comes out on YouTube on Twitch. It's coming out at 9 PM and as an added bonus, blue band is there. Gene, you were there last week. I'm going to try to jump on next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm DJ Dadmouth1, so I'll be there in a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but what's great about the internet is that he's putting out a call out there for someone to rub lotion on his long ass neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, it's an odd thing to do. He sounds weird. He looks different. Uhm, someone's gonna do it. Someone's gonna be like, I'd love to rub lotion on your neck. And that's what I love about us being all connected. Someone is watching this being like, I wanna rub lotion on that kid's neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] making it so that it sounds like that or if it's really, uhm, just something that's, you know what I mean? I don't know if it's a big forced thing or if it's really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does. I'll tell you what's striking me though, but I think I know what you're gonna say, but I do think what I'm really enjoying about, uh, Damn Long Neck or Danny Long Neck, whatever his name is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, Danny Longneck, that uhm, he's at least feigning some sort of confidence. You know, it's very easy to be down about yourself if you have a 26 inch neck. But he's like, you know what, I'm owning it. I'm gonna go with the nickname. Always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everyone used to point at it and laugh, make fun of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody hated changing after football. I went to a weird school with regard to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're changing with towels around their waists and like wearing boxers into the showers. Ah, Jesus. So you don't want to break...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The mold of what the upperclassmen are doing, cause then you're like being extra weird, you know? You're a big old queer. But it was weird that they were doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if it were a normal size high school, like a, you know, or a big high school, I don't think that ever would have happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. Football, you get really funky. I know. I mean, it's tight stuff, you know, a helmet, you're sweating, and it's Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Practicing? I was going to say rehearsing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not in high school, but I think outside of high school he definitely met some dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black dick? Yeah, me too. I didn't have a dick like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm thinking about like that, how traumatic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do, but it's not, uhm, rely, it's not like breast implants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing, a breast implant that doesn't, let's say isn't perfect, you're like, eh, it's still a tit or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A dick implant or like, you know, a fake dick that makes you make it bigger could affect bodily functions. It could affect definitely performance. It could affect sensation. Like it's totally not worth it to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think they do it like that. I would never sign up for any type of surgery on my dick that wasn't mandatory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean like, I have a normal size dick, but I'm saying if it were, even if it were like, micro penis, I still would be like, no. Don't touch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it's, I mean, I've seen some shows on it, it's like, I don't know, it doesn't seem like it's, if it were really effective and well done, you'd hear about it all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you wake up, you're like, what happened? He's like, feels good. Feels great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We saw a fucking hummingbird getting fed baby hummingbirds today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here you are, here speaking of moms, check this out. So this girl set up her mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By just having an aggressive conversation on the phone like, like the mom is sitting there and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She set up a camera and then she's talking like someone's talking shit to her, you know? So that's the mom over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's your, uh, yeaah, your inner rage. Check this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also 100% exactly how I imagine the Hungarian consulate to behave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it rough? I would say it's accurate, and there are nice people, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that shows you how to go about entering to get your passport information done. Yeah, so fucking weird. So it shows a family enter. And in the video, the family sits, they show you the family entering, sitting across from the Hungarian consulate employee. I wish we had this fucking video, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, getting their photos taken and then fingerprints.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they show a guy in a cast, like his arm is in a sling in a cast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they stand back from him, and then when they're like, take a photo, it shows him going...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How's that? No, most people would like even would just show a family walk in. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, I talked about it last week and I've gotten a lot of messages people were into it, so this is a spoiler alert. Spoiler alert!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's 13 episodes, so you might be behind, and if you don't want to hear this, I'm giving you fair warning. Scroll ahead a few minutes. So, that being said, here we go. I have been obsessed with this thing. Uhm, they recently added three new episodes, so I guess this thing came out. I missed it when it came out originally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They probably originally aired it, I don't know, at least a few years ago. And then they updated it with three new episodes. But it was, the whole thing was new to me, so I'm, I've been tracking through 13 hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was waiting for the twist, the turn, you know, and, uh, again, if you haven't seen it yet or you want to see it or you're halfway through it, I'm gonna give it to you right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but if you're not, I'll tell you, this, the, the fucking show...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gives you, I would say, 8 episodes or more where you're like, dude, this is, where is this gonna, how is this gonna turn in any way?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the biggest fucking turn that you don't expect because there was corrupt officials within the system, um, who withheld and perjured themselves on the stand, uh, people in the SBI, which is like the state bureau investigation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if every state has it, but they have it in North Carolina. And, and, you know, it was a big, big murder case there. So they send in the, their officials and their experts to, you know, test everything and, uh, you know, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they didn't do like a DNA analysis, they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just blatantly lied. He just lied on the stand to convict a guy who, you know, the whole time you're watching this thing, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Placing, if, if he's getting a fair trial, you, you could argue that there would be reasonable doubt in some way, and therefore that's, that's what you're, that's what you're going for as a defense. You wanna, is there a reasonable doubt? Well, they didn't give him a fair shot at it, and what ends up happening is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of the corrupt government people, this guy actually gets a new trial and then has to decide whether to go for a plea or take it to trial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And actually, you know, things became more favorable to him, uhm, for the new trial. Like, and looked like even more evidence would be withheld because of some of these circumstances and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this is too crazy. Take the plea, you don't go back to prison. Yeaah, it's on your record, but, you know, you only have this much time left, and it's been horrible, let's just end it. So, he ends up taking a plea, and it's uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna believe it. I mean, look, you can believe that he didn't. I know there's people, obviously, that believe that he didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's so crazy. He has so many similar behaviors to him. Especially in the early days. See, this, they actually, what's incredible is the, the actual just accomplishment of filming this documentary. They filmed it for 16 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so it's, it's an amazing thing to, you know, a product to even come up with, like what a project this is. But, you know, you see him in those early days when she's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, it's like you try to be objective, you try to watch these things and go like, it's a little unfair in a way to judge people's behavior under stress and be like, that's the only indicator. I mean, I feel that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm saying, if you're somebody, you go, well, he's acting like this, you shouldn't act like that. That's not 100% accurate. People process stress differently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I want to mingle. I just think that it's, to me that 911 call reads so false. I think this is my interpret. That's a, that is a totally, it's like bad acting. You can tell when you try to act with someone and you're like, you're not good at pretending to do this. And it reads, it reads like pretend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm really supposed to think that this is a fall? Like from the stairs? I don't know. Is it possible? They have experts testify that it's possible. That they see it as a fall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's like lacerations to the head, blood everywhere, and like she fell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the next suggestion. Survivors guide to prison. Righteous kill. JFK the conspiracy. The 7-5. That's also a drug crime thing. Psycho, psycho killer. That's a good movie. A lot of murder there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's different. It's different. Okay, here we go. Here's yours. Okay. Cooking shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walk hard, create British baking show, 40 year old virgin, friends, so. Light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have Parts Unknown, The Ranch, Lust Stories, okay. No, I don't know what that is. Um, New Girl, Ibiza, Parks and Rec. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Emotional TV, see mine says crime TV shows, yours says emotional TV shows. Sense8, Riverdale, Grey's Anatomy, Mad Men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do. Yours has a bunch of Korean stuff and I watched a few Spanish things and it gives me all Spanish suggestions all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, your shit's gay. I get it. I know what you're saying. That's what you're saying, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our dear friend, the Try It Out guy is saying, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The home here now, homey out, homey down, homey on out, hollow me out, homey out version of a shirt where this is real inside. It's, it's amazingly sketched by Chris. Uhm, and he, he sent me this version, which I absolutely love. Give you his, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you Christopher, uh, love the sketch, love the shirt, it's on pre-sale now. We um, flipped it to black because people just like black more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, black dress, but it's an absolutely hilarious concept.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That should be fun. Sean Evans. Fantastic. Thank you, sir. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super like. Out of two. Oh yea, like where you're like, that's not spice, that's just flavor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it goes a little bit more and you're like, uh, maybe this is, it's your fear of it that's gonna be, and then I think, I think actually the hottest one is like number eight. They say it's ten, but it's really like eight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we got chocolate soy milk or chocolate almond milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like regular milk, it's disgusting. And people that drink milk are disgusting people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, uh, and uh, do me a solid, darling. Uh, go ahead and bring me a glass of milk. And she's like, I'm sorry. What? Gross. Does your parole officer know you're here? He's like, yeah, I gave him a heads up. And she's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I wish the guy would have had a huge cough at the end. You see like black tar come up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really gotta go hard daily, you never fuck around, you never skip days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This buddy of mine had the subtitles on. Early into the special, I suggested to turn them off. He said no. He watches everything with subtitles on, which is true and that was that. Ten minutes or so go by, I began to notice that he was laughing at punchlines before they were being said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get this, a lot of people watch specials with subtitles on it drives me nuts. I believe these clowns are just being pretentious. They are ruining the experience for themselves and also watering down your guys comedy. My best analogy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it would be like reading the last sentence of a chapter before the last page of the chapter. As comedians, I would like your input on this matter. Am I overreacting or are these people monsters? We're not gonna grasp Christina on your machines within. Thanks for booking Boise, Tom. Look forward to seeing you perform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Notice you two haven't had any play on words for Boise yet. Thanks for all the laughs, Trevor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not always accurate, but he's also right that with, with regard to, especially jokes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe the people that are doing this that don't need to have the subtitles, maybe it's a little bit of anxiety.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they want, like he said, you know, I want to read the, the end of the thing first because I, you know, there's some type of anxiety about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, chill the fuck out. I wanna know why he wants to mourn. If he's not having trouble hearing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing that's so true, it's like so inappropriate now, but in, uh, Narcos, which is filmed, or takes place, that the previous seasons were Colombia. I think they're going to Mexico for the new season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those guys are constantly, constantly saying marica.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's another one from, uh, I think from Fart Simpson. So he calls, uh, a tattoo shop, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the, uh, god, it's so funny what he does. The, the sissy of Fremont Street, remember that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, okay, so that's that fucking guy. Alright, now...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The great Tony made a prank call using him to get a tattoo. He wants to get a tattoo, okay? So he sets it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's another great call, thank you so much. Let's uhm, let's stop here for a moment. Sure. And we'll regroup, we'll be back with guests very soon. Okay, we're back here with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedians, writers, actors, producers, Jews. Rappers. Rappers.