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[Assistant] Yeaah. That's what this guy really loves. Oh, the sounds. Yeaah. And he likes to know the details. Girl do what? Like she was like, in the whole quest to make me come, she was like, I think you're an auditory person. And she was like, doing a lot of stuff in my ear. Did it work? Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it did. It worked to a degree. I mean, it was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, actually, so like recently I did, in a girl. In a girl. Yeaah. And uh, it was awesome. Don't get me wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, you know, we stopped hanging out. So you're like, ah, shit. But we did like the casual hookup after the fact. And she did this thing where like we were doing, you know, sex. Her dirty talk was like, you haven't fucked anybody else, have you? I was like, no. She's like, it would devastate me if you fuck someone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, this is like during sex, this is like the dirty talk. I'm like, I haven't, I promise. And then after the sex, I go, Hey, by the way,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you fucked anybody else? And she was like inappropriate question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, it might take another minute here to get it reloaded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and trust is part of intimacy. Yeah, so I've been doing, and I do breath work. I, uh, one place I did it where I wasn't too intimate, uh, I've got a blowjob in Indianapolis and that was the first time I did it into a mouth. She was just really like savage though. I mean, it was like, I guess this is what it takes, you know? Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would be like, oh god, I got a flight at eight, you know, like I would go somewhere else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before I understood it, what was going on, they would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, you don't like me? Am I not hot? You know, and I'm like, I guess, I guess not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have your fun, get off. And I mean, it's, it happens for women all the time. I hear it all the time. Women are like, I've never had an orgasm with a man. And it's like, that's more common, but it is the inverse is true too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Ah, I mean, I don't, I know it, it, I, now I might have like PTSD from that. Oh, but at the time. Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know about those sounds, but sounds for sure. I'd be like, you know, unzip your zipper. I like that. You know, like let's hear, make the pussy wet, you know, that kind of thing. Let's get that pasta stirred up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to hear those. I'm gonna need the description of, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might be like an ASMR thing where he's like, Ooh, it makes me tingly. And then he like puts a finger in his ass or something. Well, we spent a lot of time talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotten, I just had a checkup and it's, uh, stable. Oh, that's good. Yeaah, that's good. But I'm finding out there, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not making high index lenses anymore. Really? Why? Yeah, they're just stopping. Like, you have to go to like a guild and all this shit, like, and get like an artisan. How come? Cause there's not a high demand for them anymore. So these like, you know, these glasses companies are not making high index lenses. They stop at a certain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Royally, I would be like, alright, I, you know, olden times, you know, like I don't even know.


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[Assistant] Yes, we did say that it would be difficult for me not to get pranked and to own that I would have to just do prank porno. Prank porno. Where I'm in on it for real, but this audience is awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, dude, if I go blind and I start talking, I'm like, have you touched a rose, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kill me. Fuckin' just end it, dude. Be like, yeah, go walk this way and it's traffic because I do not want to be fuckin'... Tom, have you ever felt a rose?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is sweet, but it's too, it's like, oh no, Josh, you did, you did some stuff in your life and now you're touching a rose and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would be paranoid that I was blowing it. I would be like, you know, I'd be like, I got a girl to fuck me. And they'd be like, yeah, Josh, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool. Cause it's not a track. I wouldn't know what they look like. I feel like that would fuck with me. Cause you have your friends. You have to have a trust factor with your friend. I really do. I mean, but again, they could be like, yeah man, she's so hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd hope so, yea, but I would be going around asking. I'd like have to pull the room, probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I touch your face because I wanna remember what a hot chicks face feels like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might throw that one around a lot, and plus you do need to touch some ugly faces so you know what you're encountering. Yeaah, for sure. So I can go up to a two and be like, may I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did that in college quite a bit. You did? I would, to get flashed, I would say, I'd be like, someday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope before I go blind, I can see tits as nice as yours, and they would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could never imagine. Yes, it's doing the like, you know. It's the little stuff, you know. The intricacies. And he's saying shit the whole time. He's like, who is daddy's girl? He's got that stupidness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I've never seen like a hyena that up close and big. Yeah, you're not supposed to. It looked like it had very like white teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't understand why they were like, it's racist to say it came from a lab. I think it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any rodent I wouldn't dare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was curious, how, are we just running out of food? I mean, grow all the chicken with steroids, whatever you gotta do out there GMO people, just don't make me eat a rat. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there rats because they're like in a, I don't know where the hell they are. That's uh, that's uh, Kansas City. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just curious if their rats don't carry, like maybe they're a little more like grass fed or something. Grass fed, organic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's this girl? That's what I wanna know. She's just some sweet girl with pretty nails that's like, I stuff guinea pigs and shit. Like, that's like, I don't know, that kinda tickles something in me. I don't know what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kinda scary, but it's like, just some hot, I just pictured like some hot little girl like me like.


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[Assistant] Hmm, I could watch people die before I watch that shit. Yeah, that was horrible. That was not a way to close things out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I give it my best bet. I give it my best try, you know? Give it the ol' college go-around. Go for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'd really like, even if I, the first time I go like, oh god, I'd really, I'd go back and try again. I'd be like, come on, let's... Now, now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. She's cute. So she just wants to eat lick shit. She doesn't care about that. She doesn't, she's not just like, I've accidentally lick shit. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Interesting. I mean, hey, at the end of the day, I'd be like, hey, whatever lady, you know, just don't do it in front of me. And also like, it makes you feel like you don't have to clean up as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I got, uh, the Josh Potter show every Wednesday on YouTube and all over the audio places. And, uh, as far as shows go, I'm gonna be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, uh, Poughkeepsie, New York, June 1st. I'm going to be in Sarasota, New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedy works, June 2nd and 3rd. Great. So yeah, there's going to be more East coast dates too, down the road in the fall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On my Instagram you can buy tickets in the old link there. Link in the bio. At Josh underscore Potter or on Twitter at Jay underscore Potter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have never and I will never use the word trans-species because trans-species people don't exist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just do not transition, but our identities are still valid and should be respected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, a fuck ton of people, myself included, have genders that align with animals, cause we're non-binary, like I'm catics for an example. Holy shit. I have a gender that strongly relates to cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your special was acquired, and then they reach out to you and they're like, we want you to cut a couple jokes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. I'm Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are in Los Angeles, uh, people have pointed out that, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can't believe we still have this studio. I got an update for you. You're not gonna see it for long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which really wasn't enough, but you know, they hooked up a couple discount dinners. It was cool. Uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, now we're, uhm, you know, we're fully committed. We still will come to the west coast. Obviously we have a lot of contacts and there's things to do here, but I think we'll be doing it out of a different space when we do come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we are signing deals trying to get sets paid for and they're like, no, no, hang up a curtain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much I told this story, I feel like I told it, but I don't remember if I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for people that don't know, there was, uhm, when we were looking for a space, here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually had somebody who had built sets before and this dude came with me to look at sets. And then the whole time I was like, well, what do you want for this? He's like, I just want to, you know, I'd like, I'd like to do, I'd like to be a guest on some podcasts. And I was like, all right. And then, you know, he, we just talked about what that would look like. And I was like, yeah,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, I signed the deal. I was like, it's signed, man. Like, I got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you want to talk about like getting to work on building a set and he was like, well, what am I going to get for that? Like what kind of piece of the action will I get? And I was like, what do you mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, well, you know, I need like a percentage of things and I go, I thought you said, you know, all this stuff. And he goes, well, yeah, but I mean, I'm not just gonna, I go, I can pay you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I offered him like cash, like here's money to pay. He goes, no, no, no, I don't want that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want a percentage of every ad sale. I want, um, to be, yeaah, I want to be a guest once a month. I want, um, promotions for my things. And I was like, what are you talking about? And he was like, yeah, I can't be involved with you. And I go, wow. So I just wrote him an email telling him, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're out of your fucking mind. Well, just thanks for being exactly what I thought you might be.


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[Assistant] And then, like, it might have been a year later, I got an email from him. He goes, I just want to say I'm sorry for how that happened. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I'm looking up a name. I'm looking up a name. Keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? And why this guy had to be like this? Uhm, okay, I found the email. That's what I was looking for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, uh, let me see if this is how it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here it is. Tom, though I know the value of what I provide,


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[Assistant] And I thought I made that clear from the beginning, what would help me provide it. I'm literally haunted weekly by the fact I said, I won't let you down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is like, like more than a year later. More.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, that's how I've been, I try not to let people down. If you still need help, I'm in. This is after we've been like, uh, just thank me on your show. Just thank me on your show.


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[Assistant] It's a very, that's a very, I won't say LA message again, it's a very like Hollywood message. It's showbiz, yea. Showbiz message of like, remember how I fucked you? Yea. Yea, I didn't really mean to. I know. Uh, also if you need me, I'm around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, let's do the opening clip. You want to? Alright, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At first I thought, I really thought it was a soldier, and then when he walked for a second you could see his different pants, like it's just, I think it's just a camo jacket. I mean, it didn't mean that he wasn't in the service. Stolen Pussy Valor. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could be a jacket he found, could be a sibling's, he could have been dishonorably discharged, you know.


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[Assistant] But it's cool to tell people that you don't know.


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[Assistant] He goes, hell yeaah. Alright then.


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[Assistant] Well, it's a good lesson to handle crazy things being said to you.


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[Assistant] Keeping that upbeat attitude is the best way to not have it escalate into violence.


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[Assistant] It is the first rule of improv in case you're wondering. It is to yes and what it means is that you don't negate what your, your other, uh, improviser has thrown at you. So in other words, if she goes, these donuts are hot, you don't go, they're cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because then you just fucked up the improv, you know. You just killed the scene. You start to go like, ah, oh god, they're hot. Like you have to build on what the other person says. There you go, Tom. It's a great way to work with the mentally ill as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's, yeah, I think he's not well. I think he's not well in the head. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some real cool stuff out there. Uhm, something I wanted to show you


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[Assistant] I mean, he might be a bag of shit, I don't really know. I mean, Senator Hawley, I don't think he's probably a great guy like most senators.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. Don't get me wrong. Right, but this is so indicative of why the left is bananas now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go, you're talking about like abortion and reproductive rights and then someone's like, you mean people with a capacity for pregnancy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then attacks you for being transphobic, for talking about it. I mean, that's why, you know, she's a fucking lunatic. Like, that's really what this is. And people are scared to say it now. People get scared to point out how crazy it is.


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[Assistant] To talk like this fucking psycho who's, you know, like, just...


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[Assistant] You're just speaking nonsense. You mean people with women's organs? That's how you should talk about it? Because a trans man or a non-binary person


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That can get pregnant has women's reproductive organs.


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[Assistant] It just makes you wanna fuckin', you know, tell them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Masterworks. Masterworks is a platform that allows anyone to invest in valuable artwork. What a cool


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Contemporary art prices outpaced the S&P 500 total return from 1995 to 2020 by 164%. This is a market that is skyrocketing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's such a unique way to invest contemporary art has a price appreciation of 23% on average when inflation is above 3%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See important regulation. A. Disclosures at masterworks.io slash cd. That's masterworks.art slash m o m.


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[Assistant] You know, can we live in reality for a moment? Do we have to be in the fucking upside down every time we have a conversation?


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[Assistant] Because here's the truth, the truth is these are the new crazies. The crazies were right wingers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then everything got flipped to now, like the hardcore left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are the new fucking psychos. Yeaah. Or you can't have a conversation with them. You can't have a conversation with a tea party person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now you can have a conversation with this fucking dipshit because she's gonna just spin it into like, you'd be happy, you'd be like, yeah, you know, abortion. She'd be like, let me point out something. You're being really transphobic right now. And you're like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can still say that all that is true and that this is nonsense. This person is spewing nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This reminds me of going to that gun range and posting it and people were like, didn't know what kind of person you were, like unfollowing. And I was like, what? And they go, didn't know you were like a gun nut. I go, I'm at a gun range.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just shooting guns with, like, at a safe, like, this is just an activity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but that's like, that's what this is now. People, you, you go, I'm out of gun range, and they're like, oh, you don't care about children in schools? Huh? What? What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really speaks to just the fact that there's extremism. And you can be extreme on either side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether you're far right or far left, in either case, you are fully retarded. So, that's the truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just live on earth, you know? Like live in reality. Don't live in this make believe land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shout out to the balconies, right? Like you recognize and then you do it at the end, right? Or you might, even during the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, I think his thing is like he wants to like make eye contact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I gotta tell you something. I feel the same way performing on stage for you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we are back and you guys know him if you've ever been on the interwebs, uh, or if you follow comedy. Uh, he's got a special that's out right now. You can go to TheAndrewSchultz.com and see Andrew Schultz infamous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Andrew Schultz, thanks for coming man. Thanks for having me. I'm very excited to be here. We're excited to have you. You're like the comedian that people are championing because you have been wronged by corporations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've done the, you've done the best job that I've seen since, I mean, I remember in the pandemic, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you, the people did different things. Everyone had to adapt. And you started doing these like, like, it was like what people who like, um, late night monologues, if you go like, oh, I wish these were good. You know, like I wish, I wish the jokes that, cause everybody knows comedian, like comedy writers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like yeaah, I think it probably, it very much elevated what, you know, your profile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you also did the thing that I have been celebrating this for a long time, which is when comedians...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like there was this like thing where I've heard people go like, oh, this dude's got a special on YouTube. So clearly, you know, he's a fucking zilch or something. And you go, you know that YouTube and Netflix actually have the exact same concept, which is we have content


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see that, like, you put it out, uh, Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, Yanis, like, all these comedians go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's my special. And then you see the view counts. You're like, yeah, I don't think this is a bad idea. These things have like five, seven, 10, 12 million views. That means that all these people who didn't, maybe didn't know these guys and now you see like they're selling tickets. Like this is, this worked the same way that Netflix did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were at an arena, and on my birthday, they played a supercut of people wishing me birthday, happy birthday, and it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like Mulaney, Chappelle, Burt, like all these people. And then Andrew Tate and they went, well, they went crazy. And also that week he was arrested for trafficking women. And so you hear people go like, oh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's, look, I'll be honest, he is a smart guy, he's actually a very smart guy, super articulate. He's charming. He's charming, and he actually gets that... It's a joke. He gets that he's entertaining you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, Barbara Walters, yea yea, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is fucking fantastic, like I couldn't think of, like I think about, I'm just a few years older than when it was really something to consider, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me it was, uhm, I'd done an album, right? I think I recorded it in 09 and it came out in 2010 and I tried to get a special in 2012.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, ah, they, you know, cause I had done, uh, Comedy Central Presents. Yeah. And they go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uhm, they said you're gonna get one, but just like not right now. But I had an hour and I was like, no, I want to put it out now. So albums were still pretty popular. You could still do well with an album. So I did the thing where I just went, you know what? I'm going to hire an engineer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a photographer for the, uh, artwork. Like, it's a simpler thing, but then I put it on a service that puts it on it. So I just didn't have a partner. So then all the checks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, there's like, you know, 12 clubs or something, and like everyone can do spots. You can also live as a comedian in New York, doing spots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but like most of America is that, is that way where you're like, no you need to like foster this young talent, like have them develop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, the clubs aren't like, when I started featuring, they were like, alright, you know, they came through like, you can work like these 15 clubs. It's like, well, okay, like, that's how I'll get better at this. And they're not even really doing that anymore for people. And they're not like, we'll put you up. They're like, no, we sold our condo. Like, you figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, uh, he goes, what's the best thing someone can say after your, uh, shows are over on the weekend, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he was like, be real careful about how many shows you add, because he's like, what you want is for people to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that's another gross term I learned from a promoter? Is that they go, they go, this is going to sound like, like a, you know, kind of gross to you. But they go, when we are in like promoter meetings, we say like, uh, you know, like, uh, what about Schultz? And then someone will go, what's he worth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that means, like, what is, what is, how do we view- What is your value? Yea, what is your value to me? Like, we just talked about you guys, like, how much does this steak cost? Yeaah. Like, what's he worth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this, uh, episode comes out a few days after, so you can still go, you can go to theandrewschultz.com and watch the special. But the story about this, first of all I would say this, when your tour was going on, you're pro, you're definitely the best


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need great people, absolutely. But like, it's not like a, like a super fun show. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you made a deal, like, uh, like we all hope to do for specials. Your special was acquired. And then, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Afterwards, I mean this is a story that I saw even on Instagram, they reach out to you and they're like, we want you to cut a couple jokes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, okay, he's misunderstood. Knucklehead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You told that story, and it's so funny, it's like the simplicity of posting that story. It really is, like you post it on Instagram, kinda makes the right, like people see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, you know, it's been up at the point that you're seeing this, but people are buying tickets to see it. I go to dinner last night. Big movie producers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of them goes, uh, you know, we're just like talking about general things. And he goes, uh, Oh, do you know Andrew Schultz? And I go, yeah. And he goes, I just read this thing. Um, this story is fascinating to me. So he tells the whole story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, the other guy, he's like, I don't know who that is, he looks you up and he's like, oh yea, I think I've seen this guy. He tells them the story about the special and how they wanted to edit it and he goes, so they bought it back and the other guy goes, oh I'm buying a ticket to that right now. And he goes and he goes and he buys the ticket. You know, because I feel like people who


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A. Love comedy and B. Hate censorship and any type of like a corporation telling you you cannot do this. Man, they're just getting behind it for the love of both. Like the love of comedy and like pushing back against


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's worse, it's worse than that because it's, at first it's, you know what, here's the money, do whatever you want. Like, you know what I mean? It's not like, they're like, hey, make sure when you record, you don't do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are the same lunatics who will go like, hey, Dave Chappelle, you're putting people in danger with your joke. I'm like, wait, what? What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we were just talking about some people you know very well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that the other, so you mentioned, uh, like this, uh, when they go like, don't punch down. And it sparked this memory where I did this interview once. We were talking about, this guy was talking about my special and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, this and that and that and his comment. Then he goes, and I guess, you know, the whole thing is just, uh, don't be a dick, right? And I was like, no. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can be like, oh, Ricky Gervais is a dick. Like the fucking, such a funny fucking guy, but like he's a dick, right? Like Tosh, like for sure. He made a, like the fucking, his whole thing was like, I am a dick. So I just, I remember that I go, that's like a, don't be a dick in real life. Yes. That is a good rule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you're going, what's the funniest thing to say here? Sometimes the funniest thing to say is something that is fucking rude and insensitive. That's what's funny. It's the impulse. Humor's not right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you, are you supposed to help me with my Spanish homework? Like she said that to him. And when he told that story, he told that story when he was on death row to the FBI investigator. No they didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was so prolific at like comedy. Here's how good he is. Republicans loved him. That's when you get, he couldn't be more like progressive and like good natured, big heart. Um, I feel like I could do the right thing person who people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely disagreed with and they're like, I fucking love that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Intuitively, before you had huge success.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and so, like, when no one knows you, you remember, you go do a spot, you're like, your whole thing is like, I just, I want to do great, I want to kill, right? You're trying to convince people who have no idea who you are that you're funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like when you get a huge following, everyone's like, you're really funny. You have to put that pressure on yourself. Because it's not, they're not gonna be like, you know, are you funny? They're like, no, you are funny. So then you have to manufacture the pressure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then it becomes an easy decision, right? Cause you're just like, oh, I'm not gonna, I'm not going to sacrifice the integrity of the comedy. Yeah, cause that's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has his own deal for that. Yeaah, he's got it.


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[Assistant] The only thing I've heard from people is that his live show is epic. I mean I've only heard that. Have you not gone? I've never gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're like, good to see you, sir. Uh, yeaah. And I miss you. I heard, I heard it's, it's a fucking unbelievable show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is gonna go horribly wrong. I'm regretting even suggesting this. No, that's a great idea. God, we have to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They wear our stuff to the shows. And there's even one of me in the shirt. It looks like him, it's just me. And it's just like a total copy of his shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I'm just fascinated by the guy. He's like this genuine, sincere, like, he cries in this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so the promoter said, he goes, I'm, I'm with my family member. I don't, I'm trying not to sell who it is. And they, he goes, you know, he knows the promoter. He goes, who are you working with this weekend? And the promoter goes, uh, Tom Segura. And that guy goes, you're going to work with that asshole?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, yeah, I'm doing a show. And he goes, you know, he's such a jerk, uh, saying all this serial killer shit about Garth. And so the promoter goes, he said, he goes, I knew about it, but I acted like I didn't. And he goes, what are you talking about? He goes, oh, he's just, he's just mean for no reason. And then the promoter said, does Garth know? And he goes, yeah, he knows. And he goes, is he mad at Tom or does he hate Tom?


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[Assistant] You know, like, this guy with the, I would love to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. But also, he doesn't know what, like, the real world is. Like, he's too famous, too crazy celebrated. So he needs somebody to tell him, like, hey, you know what you should do, man? You should do this thing with this guy. Everyone's gonna love it, Gar. And he's like, everybody already loves me. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, okay. Yeah, I don't want to tell you anything, but this is, yeah, this, this is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was his introduction to social media. And that's why we first played him. We were like, what the fuck was that? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is like a great example of, like, so.


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[Assistant] You're right. It's calculated as shit. It's calculated. Cause he was like, that person who was like, this is what people are doing, G. You know, he was like, alright, and he was like, I like that. So he did what, he was like, maybe they'll like what I just did. The Ukraine one,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause this one just has, it's a plea to fundraising, but it has one moment where you're like, like why did you think, and then why did you air this? Why didn't you do a take two, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're right, uhm, for sure that's like how many fucking Notre Dame stadiums he sold or something. I don't know what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really was, yeaah. You didn't mi- I mean, if you missed it, you're like, we got it. Like, yeaah, I wanna see these- cause they felt like caricatures. They were cartoons. Yeaah, cartoons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The game, Andrew, is called Tom or Black. And what it is, it's an audio clip, and then you just tell me if it's me or a black guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Gotcha. That's it. And these are just short clips. You can play them. You can ask for repeats. Yep. And then it's just, you know, you just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, we'll just, we'll go in order. Okay. And then, uhm, when we're done with it, we'll just reveal the answers. Yep. Yep. And if you actually know the black eye's name, that'd be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying who it is, I'm just saying that I know what video you think this is and this is not that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. You did pretty well. Okay. What have we got? So this first one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said me? It was actually a black guy who just finished having an orgasm in a porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that is a black eye. Uhm, so you got that right. You got that right. Uhm, that. You got that right. Man, you got, I think you only got one wrong so far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That this would never be my effort. That's not you. So true. That's not you. That's Unshyne, you're right. He does other things like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said that was me. Yep. Yeah. And that was me doing a prank phone call. That was good. Yeah. That was good. That was a pretty good one, right? Yeah. Yeah. And there's a whole phone call where I'm talking to, uh, a barbershop.


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[Assistant] I wanna say something. Many, many black people have gotten that wrong.


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[Assistant] You got, uh, you got the Sean, Sean King? No. You got two wrong or one wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that was fun. Uhm, alright. That was so fucking great. Thank you for indulging me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I want to point out again that people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have an opportunity right now. How long do they get to stream it for? Forever. Forever? Yep. Nice. So once they, what is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I think actually this is already, you know, like I said, been going for a minute for you now. This is a few days after it airs, but I think this is going to be a wildly successful venture for you. Thank you, man. I appreciate all the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%, anytime. So go to theandrewschultz.com. There's no T, a lot of you are misspelling it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Andrew Schultz, Infamous, it's available now at theandrewschultz.com. Uh, don't forget to check out his podcast, Flagrant, um, that you do, uh, is it weekly? Yeah, yeah, we do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do I say his name? Akash. Akash. Yeah, that looks like a fun hang. I gotta do that. You gotta do that. I wanted you on when you were in New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll do it again. Thank you for coming. Thank you. See you guys next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you need a new mattress? Go to sotva.com slash the shit now for $200 off the next purchase of your sotva mattress. It's the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go eat that poo poo. You're not gonna say anything about my cool new look?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it gave me so much joy to dress up last week, I figured, why not keep it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I still, I'm just incorporating it into my, in today's look, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I'm, but more now I do this for me because I really do like the look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now it's just for me. The kids don't like it. You don't seem to like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. So again, it takes hours to get ready nowadays. It's kind of a bummer. I can't just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Simple. But I wake up at 6.30 and I do this, actually sorry, I woke up at 5.30 and said I could do this before the kids wake up and I don't like to have them bothering me while I'm doing my makeup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Very cool. Goth, Goth mom summer, guys.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I'm not, I'm not that easy to come to Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's a deep guy. I think that's what we like about him is that he just unwrapped like it's an onion and we get to know more and more about him. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have so many times, and the anxiety of calling that number, I'm like, please God, just $200, please at least something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But other than that, like, it was grants, loans, and then, you know, your tuition money or whatever. Like, how the fuck did we live? I don't think I bought clothes for like four years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No concept of what the actual real world cost at that point in your life. All you needed was like beer, money and cigarettes, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every now and then you bought a pa- I don't even remember buying a pair of shoes, like maybe once in college. It was so poor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my furniture was those milk crates. Yeah. Remember you just stack crates and fucking put a blanket over them or whatever. Like, there's my coffee table. So poor. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta set these two up and they gotta duke it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's so funny, I didn't realize he was such a cultural critic on shit. He's really watching stuff. But I think you're right, I think this is a direct dig at RPC. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And these two are now going to go for each other's throats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That's true. I mean, look, it took us how many years to accept gay people, gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, uh, it's harder to be goth in those hot weather states.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely less popular, but when I traveled as-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember when Burt put your hand right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you a horrible story? Yeah. So my, my PT guy said that he was treating at the same time as I was being treated a firefighter who fell two stories. Like he missed the pole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, man. Well I'm glad you're okay. I'm actually looking at a picture of you in the hospital. Oh really? Oh. It's on your mug. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also it's dark in there, usually drugs or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna lean more towards, more towards drugs on this one, or maybe, I mean it's the dark, usually we don't see the mentally ill in the dark, they like to be out there and doing their crazy stuff, but he's doing darkness, so it's a different look. I'm gonna lean towards drugs on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be like, holy shit, Gene Simmons is in my house or whatever. Um, look, yeah, this is probably the most terrifying thing I've ever seen on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I legitimately, as I was watching this, had to stop myself from going into the abyss of sadness and scariness, you know? Like, I watch it and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I had to, I had to like, so the beginning I was like, oh look, it's the guy from Kiss, haha, lol, and then there's Duncan Trussell's old puppet, lol. But then it got real dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it comes to dick joke, you know, took me out of the fear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, I'm not, I'm not a fan. I mean, I like goth things obviously, but this really scared me. I felt scared inside. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yep, welcome back. It does make you, uh, yeah, reminisce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most people don't like clowns either, that's like a big phobia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're saying that John Wayne Gacy dressed up as a clown for fun times?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who knew the clown was a murderer? Yeah. The sad clown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love how you recall that story in great detail. Like do you remember the birth of your two children with that much detail?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any of them. Or like our wedding day, or how we met.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just not a very pleasant one, babe. It's like, I don't know, I don't really, I don't, like, it's stuff I don't want to know in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, thanks Tom. Can we like watch a clip or is there somebody that's getting injured? We can go to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ordering all your summer essentials with DashPass by DoorDash is a great way to get everything you need. And during the summer of DashPass, you can save money and access members only offers that will help you feel easy and breezy all summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Long. I love, uh, the Dash Pass by DoorDash because goodness knows we use this app every single day at the Segura home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just so much easy to save money during the summer of Dash Pass from DoorDash. With zero dollar delivery fees, exclusive items, and more than 25,000 members only offers nationwide, Dash Pass by DoorDash has everything you need to make your summer memorable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get all these special offers and, and they, the different items dropping every week, everything you need to make the most of, uh, summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shine bright during DoorDash's Summer of Dash Pass and get 50% off your first order up to $15 value.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use promo code YMH at checkout when you spend $12 or more. That's 50% off your first order up to $15 value when you sign up for DoorDash during Summer of Dash Pass using promo code YMH. Don't forget. That's code YMH for 50% off your first order up to $15 value.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stuff in their lives. Drama. We've all had, we've all been there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So no, no judgment, nothing. You just want to be respectful. And in honor of you, we ordered Korean food for lunch before you got here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the manager walks up to me with a box of greasy Chinese food and goes, Oh, Christina, did you order this? And I go, I certainly did not. And I'm like, did anybody order Chinese food? And then, and then it's like, Oh, it's Bobby Lee's. He orders Chinese food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How are you eating? It was like a, it was a cool club, there was like break dancers, and everybody was dressed cool, and you're eating dirty Chinese food?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite is like, you'll sell out a venue and then the club manager, the theater, whatever manager will be like, but you know who sold out two of these?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, different city every night, airplane, bus, airplane, but he has a rough, it's not easy. I mean, I am Bobby Lee. It's one weekend. I think you could use that, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's been talking about murders before you guys got here? I got a full dissertation on fucking John Wayne Gacy before you got here. Isn't that, isn't there a new doctor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate when comedy couples break up. I hate when anything happens in the comedy community. That's a bummer. I take it very personally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't imagine, I can't, I mean, I imagine that's really hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a clam chowder in a bread bowl. No, it's alive. Those are definitely alive. Those are silkworms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sauce, again, I bet you could fuckin' put sauce on anything and make it taste good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if all these people are eating it in this other country, it's gotta, there's something to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, it was such a train wreck of a fucking series, what they did with my beloved character. And that being said, I'm hopeful for season 2 and I'm thankful for season 2, but you absolutely killed it and you were a joy to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how show business karma works my man. You think so?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely. 100%. It's showbiz karma. It's the person, I always loved the saying is be nice to everybody on your way up because you will see them again on your way down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause everybody's star inevitably wanes a little bit. And so this Kim Cattrell, this Kim Cattrell got her comeuppance cause now you're gonna take her place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just giving it a whirl, you know, like I could see you being this open and like, yeah, I'll give it a try. You're like, I try things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I found this on TikTok, okay? I'm not gonna, I'm gonna say, I didn't say, oh, Chinese lady. I went, wow, this bitch has got great front teeth. I couldn't do that. I've got fake veneers that would crack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well her account gets deleted a lot and she pops up in different accounts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I'd make it if I could just get 2 million. I keep getting, uh, I keep getting banned. I always get flagged for my content and banned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, this guy is not even remotely, this guy is tall and thin and handsome and he's got full hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't remember what tits look like. And then I can be like, but this will be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so warm, it's sticky, and you just let it dry on yourself and then in the morning you peel it off. Oh, do you feel the flakes? They're so soft and smelly. I like to put it in my coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These I enjoy. These are TikToks I like. She's a babe. She can make you cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I knew because I don't feel like it's anything crazy. I just feel like there's a connection. That's nice. Cause when I go try to remember before you ever step on stage, you're a fan. And so we still go to concerts. Me and Miss Sherwood just went to Bruno. Uh, we went to Urban.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, JT and in those moments when you're in that crowd, all you want is that artist to look at you for three seconds and you can go, Hey man, thanks for your music. It's been cool. And as an entertainer, it's the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just looking in their faces just to say thank you for my life. Thank you for my kids life. I can't believe I'm getting to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I think that connection that goes on, and it doesn't matter where you're at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now people go, man, can, can, can the artist see his way up? Yeah, 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can see it, feel it, and so I'll call them out when I do to make sure that they know me and them are on the same line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%. Yeah. And then what's crazy is you see them and go, wait a minute, I've seen you before. Then you know, they've been at other shows. So it's, it's a, it's a cool family within the band and crew and within the people that come and see the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there's something about the music that pulls you, something that strikes in your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In your lifetime that you relive all of a sudden you hear, I know because I'm a fan of music. So when you're sitting there all of a sudden, somebody might come there for thunder rolls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's all they're waiting for. Other people coming there for the dance. But then what happens is while you're waiting for your song, these other songs start to fill in your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, that one right there, I mean, to think about it, that just tells me that the river really affects this woman, which means tonight, if I know she's in the crowd, I'll do it. I'm gonna try and do it the best I've ever done just for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I knew because I don't feel like it's anything crazy. I just feel like there's a connection. That's nice. Because when I go try to remember before you ever step on stage, you're a fan. And so we still go to concerts. Me and Miss Sherwood just went to Bruno. Uh, we went to Urban.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, JT. And in those moments when you're in that crowd, all you want is that artist to look at you for three seconds, and you can go, hey man, thanks for your music, it's been cool. And as an entertainer, it's the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It allows us into each other's worlds, or I guess in my case, hotel room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if this is truly a conversation, then I say let the conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that horrible? Yes. God, I never want to eat whatever that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a flesh life. And your heart dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit. You are not God. You have no jurisdiction over me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am adding a new show in Niagara Falls at Fallsview Casino Resort on Thursday, August 11th. The pre-sale starts Wednesday, May 18th at 10 a.m. Eastern time. The pre-sale code word is Tommy. T-O-M-M-Y. The on sale starts Friday, May 20th. Thank you. Get tickets at tomskirl.com slash tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back. This is another episode of Your Mom's House. Regina's here. I'm here. Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get used to it. Uh, super exciting stuff. I guess we should just get right into it. Congratulations. Aren't you stoked? Your new special is streaming now on Netflix. It's called mom jeans. Uh, I've seen people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the thing is right now, I mean, it should be a celebration. It's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, uh, and you know, the kind of the fun thing is, he's so fat right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is like falling out of his own body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His belly too is just like harder and bigger and rounder. And pink. And red. This is definitely


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, right there too. And like, that's supposed to be, that's a thinner version, cause he's going like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he's got triplets in there. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what it's like to be with Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now they're like, no, no, no, this tops. I don't even know what your outfit was. You don't have to say it, but yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, usually people have backup t-shirts, not Dolce & Gabbana with Swarovski crystals on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a good move. It's not free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Non-gender-conforming infant one-piece. Yeah. That's good. That's very good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really cool. Very cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tattooing your own forehead's cool. Uhm, so crazy. Real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, let's see, May 29th, I added a show in Columbus, Ohio. Oh, I like that. You can still get tickets. Uh, Tom, Tomcigaro.com slash tour. And, uh, pretty wild, I added a show at Ball Arena in Denver, Colorado. Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On July 24th, those tickets are also available, available, I can't speak today, at ThompsonGro.com slash tour, uhm, bringing multiple acts, it's gonna be a big fun night, so if you didn't get tickets for the 23rd, which is sold out, we now added the show to the 24th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a guy that wants a tattoo on his forehead. That's who I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's probably got that somewhere too. Just not in frame right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the science behind it, okay, ephemeral ink is made of a medical grade biodegradable solution in natural colors that are designed to be broken down by your body. Unlike traditional tattoo ink particles which cannot be removed by your body, our ink particles get smaller and smaller over time allowing your immune system to break them down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll probably do the- Get that hairline you always wanted. I'll do the arm. I think an arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, maybe like the whole my struggle thing that you were going through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good thing Chris isn't in here crying right now.


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[Assistant] No, if this involves, and real stakes are fun, I don't wanna be involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would want to see what life is like as an arm sleeve guy. You know, with like a sleeve. That would take so long. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You still wanna see what it's like. Yeaah. And then it fades. And then you're like, ah, that was a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fun, right? It's like dating a stripper. You know, you want to do it for a little while. A little while. Yea, you don't want to commit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is also brought to you by Masterworks. Masterworks is a platform that allows anyone to invest in valuable artwork. High rollers have been investing in alternative assets like artwork to diversify their portfolios for decades. With Masterworks, anyone can buy and sell shares in artwork worth millions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From 1995 to 2020 by 164%. Contemporary art has a price appreciation of 23% on average when inflation is above 3%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In temporary art pieces have appreciated 14% annually on average, and it's scarce. Unlike some assets which can be printed out of thin air, there's only a very few limited supply of this asset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Masterworks has securitized over 500 million dollars worth of contemporary art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, I would if you were like this, uh, you know, like if this doesn't, it's not what you want, it's gonna go away. And then if you're like, I love this thing, then you get it permanently done. What's wrong with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think there's ever been a thing like that where you can like try the fucking ink on. I mean, that's really interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then people would be like a year from now, they'd be like, oh, she finally smartened up and had those removed. She was living with the devil, y'all. Y'all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prom. I was in hotels this week and I saw just prom. It was prom. I mean, it was like, took over. Like the rooms, car services were all booked in every city. Um, so they were like, they were all in desperate to try to get you a car to go anywhere, go to the airport, all that stuff was, cause it took over and it got us thinking about our plans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were embarrassed, like, I see you're embarrassed now, but then you were embarrassed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so is this your one ever one-nighter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it wasn't because of like a secret attraction to him, it was, or it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you shouldn't feel ashamed about it. I mean, I really don't think you should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'll say this, I don't think you have a lot to be, I don't think you have anything to be ashamed about your story other than the feelings you're putting on it. Mine is, I think, way more lame, uh, my prom stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fucking balls this takes too. You know, you're never really in this position, but as a guy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if there's a girl you're just kinda like already running with or talking to, it's not a big deal to ask her to prom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you guys have a va- and be like, you wanna go to prom? That's not a big ask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I wasn't like dating or anything. I went up to her and it was like very hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I asked her, I think I asked her super, I can't remember how I asked her, I think my body cut it out of my memory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I asked her and she was like, I'm leaving town the week before so I'll be out of town during prom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like it was so hard and it was like, I mean, I guess that was better than, no, I don't want to go with you. She was like, I won't be in town for prom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, no, she was like, I'm leaving that week. I was like, what? She's like, we're going, like my family's going, whatever. And like, I don't care that I'm missing prom. And I was like, okay. Then I was like, and I was so let down because like, this is really who I wanted to ask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try to. She was gorgeous. So I asked her and she said, I'm going out of town. I was like, all right. So now I'm like, not only, you know, that's kind of a let down, but I'm like, I still have to ask someone, which is, I got to tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To, like, to be in the position, like, you need to ask someone. It's not like when you're our age now, where you're like, whatever, like, you know, it's much harder when you're 17. And I have small class, you know? So you're like, well now I gotta ask somebody else to go. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, hey, you know, I forget how I said it, but I just remember that I asked her to go to prom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was like a totally uneventful, and we went out a couple times and it was like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't, she was nice, but I wasn't like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and she let me down. Like, I was just nice and then she was like, I get it, you're not into this, you know. So, but we went to prom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In senior year, I went with a girl who I was already going out, so it was no-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Partying and passing out. On your which night? Uh, senior year prom night. Uh oh. And, uh, overstaying the curfew that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't really have that. I mean obviously some people are cool with that, but they didn't. They have her home by, you know, two or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but it was like the next day. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The blackouts are complete blackouts. So like, time goes by and you have no recollection. You're like, what happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not good. And there's no doctor administering it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're partying and you're feeling good, and then all of a sudden you're out. And when you're out, they can't wake you up, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that part is not fun. The part that's fun is before you black out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you get a couple hours and your dosage and everything. I mean, it's cool. I wouldn't say it's not cool, but. It's cool. It's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you told me I could do it today and you guaranteed I wouldn't OD somehow,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because what happens is, you're like, what happened, and people are like, you were out, and you're like, when? Sometimes they're like, oh you know, two hours just went by, three hours just went by, like that kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, looking back, it's not the smartest thing I've ever done. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe that's another one. It's another one. There's so many. Yeah, people would do that and take advantage of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there is actually an anesthesia that like, is usually administered. But this is the street version of it. So you're not getting the, what hospitals have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, drugs are fucking awesome, man. It's just, you know, when you start getting into the hardcore stuff, you just, you don't know. And an OD can have probably like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different effects on you, and to me it just was terrifying enough, where I've never, like, I was on a path to trying more shit, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I was trying stuff all the time. And when I OD'd, which was six months after that one, it just was so terrifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sunglasses season is here and there's no better option than our friends at Shady Rays. Shady Rays is an independent sunglasses company that offers a world class product that's just as good as any expensive pair we've worn. Durable frames and extremely clear polarized lenses for outdoor living and beyond.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not all. Shady Raze offers the most insane protection in all of eyewear. Every pair is backed by lost and broken replacements. That means if you lose or break your pair, even on day one,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They told us they will send you a brand new pair. No questions asked. Get as crazy as you want this summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where your Shady Ray is with confidence. If you don't love them, exchange them for a new pair or return them for free within 30 days. I have numerous pairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shady Rays. I keep them everywhere. I lose them. I've broken them. I've had replacement shades and I absolutely love it. These are my favorite sunglasses that I've had. Exclusively for our listeners, Shady Rays is giving out their best deal of the season. Go to ShadyRays.com, use the code HOUSE50 for 50% off two or more pairs of polarized sunglasses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try for yourself the shades rated 5 stars by over 200,000 people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they had like a, a, a vigil, like a prayer vigil at the hospital and stuff and people were like stopping by to do it. Yeah, it was pretty, that part was bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I remember waking up. I remember passing out and waking up. Passing out on the patio of this bar. And waking up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Strap to, uh, cause they hold your, so you don't pull tubes out. They strap your hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had two tubes. I had a breathing tube and the tube, uh, putting charcoal, liquid charcoal into your stomach. To vomit, to make you vomit. And then I was vomiting too, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just, I was laying back like this looking at lights, like if you look up and then it was a doctor who, who was a friend's mom came into my eyeline and I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up doc? She's like, you are in the hospital. She goes, you were in the hospital, you overdosed. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then I did like eight shots of GHB, usually did one. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Screwed right over. And I took ecstasy earlier that day too. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Freshman in college, you know? That's what I have to do, I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. I don't think that would be my, I don't think I'd be the bait shop guy. I think I'd be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little more white collar, but like a career criminal, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I got sober sober afterwards. Like I didn't do anything for a year. It was like so traumatic. I remember one time my parents were visiting campus and I was 100% not drinking anymore. Like for, you know, I did it for a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then I went back to drinking and then I went back to smoking weed and that's all I got back into was weed and drinking. But I'm on campus and this kid who I, I'm not even like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comes up to me with my parents, right? And he goes, hey man I got a new stash if you're trying to buy some shit. And I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, what? I go, what are you talking about, man? He's like, do you not want to buy any? I got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking at him like, are you fucking stupid? And he was like, and he was so oblivious, he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, before we, uh, take a break here. Stop hate. We have to honor Asian hate. The great Kevin Samuel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could not believe it when I found out, uhm, that I saw the news. First it was considered a rumor that he had died. I also had no idea that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was polar- he was so polarizing that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I wrote this thing on Twitter. I don't know, I just felt compelled to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he was like, it was, it was all over. I go, I don't know if this is true or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The rumors that he died, if so, you know, uh, I just want to point out that this guy was really funny. Like, he was legitimately funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if this is a joke, but I'm, you know, I used to be a fan of you, like shit like that, where I was like, huh? And you know, here's the thing, I'm not well versed in everything Kevin Samuels, right? I usually, I digested, I consumed his stuff in, in clips, like little clips. That dude had natural timing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he had, he had a skill set, uhm, that you can't teach, which is like, when somebody says something the way you, you look at them, like you can't really, you can't teach that. People just have that or they don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And look, I know he said some foul shit to people that like, some people find, uh, misogynistic or, or hurtful or just plain mean. But the truth is, if you wanna like strip everything away, at the core of his message, like the core of it, was be realistic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is like, not what everybody encourages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, if you're carrying 80 pounds more than you should be, he would just, he would tell you, and here's the thing about carrying that weight, you can lose it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would say, uhm, he would tell people they're like, he's like, okay, so how are you? They're like 38 and he's like, and you have him, how many kids? And she's like three and he's like, and your job is, you know, I work at the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a parking booth, then he's like, okay, and uhm, and you want a man that makes three or four hundred thousand dollars a year? She's like, yeah, he's like, okay, do you think he wants you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which people are like, that's so mean, but like, that is exact, like, that is a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you need to hear that someone's not telling you, right? It's like you need someone to tell you, like a friend to be like, you know, you've been, uhm, you've been eating like a psycho lately, right? And like, instead of the person who's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're fine, you're fine. Like, you need someone to tell you. You're fucking, your drinking's gotten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really out of hand. He's just telling people that he just met that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would obviously like, a lot of times you see him with women, cause that's who also would seek out his advice. But he had told guys too, he would tell guys like, hey man, the job you have, you're never going to appeal to the type of woman that you think you should get. He's like, cause you're fucking, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have time for you big sassy ass broads. Go on with your fat ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now see, that strikes a lot of people as really mean, right? They'd watch that and go, that's really fucking mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if somebody is going to you and they're going, like she's seeking out his advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And clearly this is, we're jumping in on a conversation that's been happening. He's like, he's like, you've been reasonable. Then he goes, I want you to rank yourself. And you're like, I'm a 10. And he goes, well, that's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, now we're speaking in nonsense because not only do I know, but you also know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You also know that that's unreasonable because an international supermodel is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A 10 is like, you're basically saying I'm physically flawless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was saying, sweetie, the, the, the rapper is a, is a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a six. She goes, if she's a six, he goes, no, no, you're beneath that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she's, look, she seems like she's really cute. She's got- She's cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what the number is, it's not even though I'm not trying to pick her number. I'm just saying, there's something, I mean, there's something just inherently funny about somebody just putting people in their place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are fantastic. Yeah. I'm telling you. Like you could get cast in things with like being able to do that. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kevin, I think. Is it still up? I'm gonna be protective. I think that's the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna laugh. Uhm, alright. So excited because when we come back, we have the newest


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Member of YMH Studios joining us here in person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, the new show. We're very, very proud. We have been working on this for a while. And we have the Danny Brown Show, which two episodes went up yesterday. If you were watching this, uh, the moment this show comes out, two episodes right here on the YMH YouTube channel, and they will be coming out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, going forward on Tuesdays, uh, the Danny Brown show and, uh, dude, we're just so, we're so, so happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be so much fun. I mean, you have, you have your own style, your own look, and uh, you know, it's definitely, it's all Danny Brown. It is all your shit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a woman of color, but also tragic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That uhm, they're underrepresented and intentionally exclude from the outdoors. How can you be excluded?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, how can you be part of this? Oh, that guy was like, come on out, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would ask that girl, he's like, what do you do? Uh huh. Are you with my nephew? How much do you make? And she'd be like, I'm a little uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah, go crazy. Telling you what I make. What your mama do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, no one's perfect, but I mean, you, uh, you're also like in a pretty good state, like happy, I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you jump in on barbershop, no you don't. I don't. You just keep it quiet. I keep it quiet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is nothing though, like, I mean, you say, you get it because you're more like an eccentric dude, but there is this feeling when you know, like, I mean, I've had it too when you go in somewhere and the people there are like, yeah, we're not, we don't like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they do this thing where they, uh, uh, you get, you go to dinner now, right? And you're out. I'm doing this after the show sometimes. Whole night's, uh, normal and they bring you the check and you're like signing and the guy goes, I didn't want to say anything. Cause I'm a huge fan and you're like, okay, let's double that tip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much are you supposed, I mean how much are you supposed to tip? I tip wild. Yeaah. Like most places now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does make you look good. I tip drivers big. I tip, uh, fucking every restaurant. Cause we do these dinners after shows too. And it's like six, seven, eight of us. I'm like, well, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unbelievable. Then you realize, you know, if they're chopping up that, that service fee, that tip that I gave, that was mandatory, it's like, it's real money. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, it's real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember you like this. You like old fashioned. You remember my shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A busy bar, like when you're at a busy bar and you take care of that bartender, and then they kinda are, you know, the bar's busy, like fuck, and then they go, oh, it's, it's you. And they come through. You gotta keep tipping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can get you, like, at the airport. Yeah, definitely. Like, you're late for your flight, he'll be like, here, let me walk you up to the front of the, like, it will alleviate a lot of problems. You're in a hotel, uh, there's a line to check in, you pull one of the guys, hey man, can you, uh, help me check in, give him 20, like, that changes your life. 20 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there was this, uh, in college, one of the guys on the football team had some shoulder injury and they gave him, uh, was it perks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he goes, he goes, I don't want these. He's like, he's like, I don't like these. And I was like, I'll take them. And this is before I OD'd. And uh, and then I would take those, I would take those and then drink a beer. Oh my God. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody scared me when I was taking, you know, I was on a bunch of oxys, uh, when I got hurt and people started to go like, Oh, you get hooked, you get hooked. So I'm taking, you know, at, like at the height of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I finally like, I'm taking like two a day, which at the height it was, like I said, it was multiples every few hours. So I'm taking, I don't know, like 20 a day or some shit. So I'm down to two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this nurse comes in and she's like, all right, I'm going to give you some dialogue. And I was like, holy shit. Like that's the, that's the a one shit. I go, I'm not even in that much pain. She goes, now you need to sleep. And then she just goes, just out. And that was one of the best things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever had it diluted? No. It's a, it's medical heroin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This whole video, by the way, of her right there, the one of her just dancing that you just played, this is exactly how someone on heroin moves. And, you know what I mean? Like that's somebody who's on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least she's doing one of the hits. That's all I want to hear from people like Madonna. Play the fucking hits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you start taking shit? Yeah, a lot of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. And we're back. And I guess the vote is that this is, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is high pressure shit dude. I mean that's a big dude. It's through him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a heavy dude, and a good question is, how does a guy who knows to do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like when someone, you ever see like a street fight videos where someone gets, they get knocked out, but then their head hits concrete and you're like, God damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the, what's the, what is the most recent ass weapon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were, uh, they were amused at the possibility of what this video could turn into, and I don't think they'd done it. They'd probably done a slower version of it, like, oh yea, you can pull me on this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's the guy that fuckin' purposely, isn't he from Detroit? The one who does the shout out to the, uh, to the Juggalos every time and he takes-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you tell me if this dude has skills or not? Uhm, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen someone dragged like this since McCartney. Cause like the world had, remember the world was on Paul McCartney's side with that chick and they were like, nah. Everybody was like, no, no, you're the fucking, you're the dirty one. And this is, it's rare when the, when public opinion turns on the woman. Yes it is. It's very rare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he also like basically almost decapitated. Like it's a full throat cut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had one though, after the Will Smith, Chris Rock thing, he was like, people would ask me about Will Smith, Chris Rock, I gotta tell you, you know, violence, violence is never good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was also, I mean, I was born a couple years before you, but we were encouraged. Like when these things came out, they were like, play video games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen, uh, compilations of this, uhm, the trucks that are- Oh my god, dude. It's- it is fu- you- you wonder why you don't see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think you're gonna get, I really do think that like, it's a new creative outlet for you as a creative dude that you're gonna love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Danny Brown, the new show, comes out every Tuesday here on the YMH YouTube channel. You can also listen wherever podcasts are available. Uh, we'll go out on the Unkshine Bounce by Jeremy, or Germany? I don't know what his name is. Here we go. Alright, thanks guys. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Portland! I've added another show. That's right, March 31st, I will be doing two shows. First one sold out, so get your tickets right now, right now, right now. ChristinaPOnline.com


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[Assistant] Do you need a new mattress? Go to sotva.com slash the shit now for two hundred dollars off the next purchase of your sotva mattress. It's the shit.


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[Assistant] He does have really nice hair though.


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[Assistant] I liked it. I want him to do this again because what I like is that you get to see his lips and his face for the first time in 15 years.


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[Assistant] We are supported by Ridge. What an innovative wallet Ridge is. It holds up to 12 cards


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[Assistant] That they'll let you test it for 45 days. You can send it back for a full refund if you don't love it, but I think you're going to love it. It's made with RFID blocking technology that protects you from digital pick pockets.


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[Assistant] Get the best offer with the link ridge.com slash mom. And right now you can save 10%. That's ridge.com slash mom.


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[Assistant] To save ten percent. Ayyy.


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[Assistant] I've just thought that for the last 15 years. This was a funny one. This was true. This is very true that he just didn't have many range of emotions.


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[Assistant] No, I mean I want to see his, I want him to see his face.


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[Assistant] It's made me, it's actually made me more like, like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, is this really my husband?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Are you mad at me? Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting. We actually have a deeper relationship because of the lack of the beard.


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[Assistant] Uh, but speaking of our relationship, uh, there is something I'd like to bring up with you that has been...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, perfect. Perfect segue. Last episode, we had a debate as to who could go the longest without burping or farting because Tom accused me of constantly farting, constantly burping, blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we made, we did a handshake deal. Whoever could go the longest through the episode without burping or farting is the champion, the winner.


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[Assistant] Now I lost, apparently I ripped a burp in the middle of me.


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[Assistant] Some evidence has come to light, thank you to our fantastically observant YMH audience. I was getting several DMs, several DMs saying that I in fact won the challenge because at the 59 minute mark, you burped.


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[Assistant] And then suppress the burp. You looked over and si- Does Christina notice that I did? And he suppressed the burp. He suppressed the evidence, your honor.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna throw up swat. I feel sick watching her burp. Take a sip of that. Are you vomiting or burping?


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[Assistant] But why would you die from belching? That wouldn't kill you. The whole entire day I didn't have a bite or sip of anything. Yea, but that's normal for you. You eat like a piece of s- you eat a starburst and then go-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is cause and effect argument, Your Honor. The air came out, once the air comes out, it is called a burp. This is just a semantics game. Suppression, your attempt to hide the evidence, which is, the bullet came, listen, Your Honor, the bullet came out of the gun.


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[Assistant] I would like you to go 24 hours just to see if you can without barfing, barfing, or farting in front of me.


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[Assistant] D-dude, Broham, so hold on, hold on! Your honor, if I were to suppress a belch, would I go... I'd do a dramatic...


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[Assistant] The bed is burping or farting. You burp first. No, my eyes are my, am I on another planet? You burp twice before I burp.


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[Assistant] I did not burp first, I burped after you did these two burps.


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[Assistant] If you, if you define a burp, a burp is air coming up from the throat. A fart is air coming out of one's anus.


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[Assistant] You know what, I've got a lot of support on my side. You guys keep telling Tom that he's wrong, okay?


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[Assistant] Burpgate, full effect. The booth is split, bitches.


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[Assistant] Remember when I was at your house? No, remember when I was at your house last time and you saw me eating uhm, a sunny side up egg? How did I eat that egg? Do you recall?


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[Assistant] It was like the first five minutes we saw each other. I like to eat just the yolk. How do you feel about that? If it's, it's really good. Yeah. I just liked it.


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[Assistant] You credit, you did not like the way that I, I disregarded the whites of the X and, and.


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[Assistant] It's awesome. It's a lovely necklace. Thank you, Kristina. Yeah. Good job.


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[Assistant] I mean for, for ratings. For ratings that would be incredible. Advertisers would love that.


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[Assistant] But Charlie, you'll be happy to know that I hate puking, so this is for my benefit now. Like, now he's pissing me off. So don't think you're the only one that gets... You're not the only one that gets the Tom, like... He likes to fuck with me too, so.


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[Assistant] This chick puked on her, like, shorts, dude. Everywhere. Legs. Everywhere. That sucks too, cause you don't have, like, she doesn't have a diaper bag.


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[Assistant] Alright guys, really exciting news. Addison, Texas at the Addison Improv February 2nd, 3rd, and 4th.


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[Assistant] Rotor Park, California, April 1st, and then April 29th, Chicago, Illinois, Chicago, Illinois, the Park West, April 30th, Mil- Milk Jockey? One!


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[Assistant] Jess Conson at the Turner Hall and then May 13th, Charlestown, West Virginia at the Hollywood Casino. Tickets at ChristinaPOnline.com.


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[Assistant] Also, if you haven't already, please buy my lipstick. It's been sold out now multiple times. We are on back order. It's bananas. So thank you to everybody that's purchased it. People are really, really loving it. The product does come from Italy.


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[Assistant] I'll give you one for the road, because I have them here. You'll get your own. You'll get your own. Thank you. You're welcome.


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[Assistant] Oh, and jellyfish too, just jellyfish. Which one, wait, the Bondi?


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[Assistant] How many berries do these fools have to eat, right? Like, they have to eat, they eat berries all day to stay full.


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[Assistant] It's fine, but this community is so underserved and marginalized, they need their own dungeons. What do you want people making their own and it's dangerous and stuff? Let the government do it for them.


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[Assistant] I honestly think this could have made it on America's Funniest Home Videos. That was very funny.


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[Assistant] We don't record it, but we do like to curate it and share it with people. That it exists. It's a public service. So women know.


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[Assistant] So these are the TikToks I've curated. I love the app. I like to highlight the marginalized people of TikTok. Maybe the people that aren't as popular. I like the underdogs, the outliers. Okay. So these are my collections.


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[Assistant] We know you don't like to pay a lot for your haircuts, so we can start learning now, and then when you come back, we can shear your head too.


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[Assistant] But I thought it was nice to see, first of all, you don't see many people her age on TikTok, so it's nice to have somebody, cultural representation of that generation.


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[Assistant] So, so, hold on, this is a cool guy. So you can duet people, so he's asking the women out there.


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[Assistant] To duet him, so they split screen and then a woman, you know, says the other part, like he'll set it up and then she answers. That's what he wants. But he writes duet me lol, like he want, he doesn't want to take responsibility for it, which is really fascinating. When does it talk?


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[Assistant] A lot of movie stars do that, they fluctuate. Like Christian Bale.


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[Assistant] Yes, we talked about this on the flight. Speaking of our trip to Hawaii, hold on. Tom and I on the flight over, we were watching the Zoe Kravitz movie, uh, what is it? Kimmy. Kimmy. It was really good.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was really good, yeah. And I was thinking to myself, I said, self, this Zoe Kravitz is so beautiful. Her face and everything about her is so interesting to watch. I would even pay money to watch her take a cacao.


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[Assistant] This shit always makes me laugh. She's like, guys, stop saying that my eyes are too far apart. Like, when people... Oh, they are. It makes me laugh.


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[Assistant] And then also like, no, I think Tom Cruise is an efficiency. He makes phone calls while he's pooping. He doesn't waste time.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he does like it. It's weird. It is. And then he falls asleep to crime, murder.


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[Assistant] No, I got to fall asleep to listening to people get ripped off and how he conned all these people. I like cover my head with a pillow.


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[Assistant] Well, I have problems too, but I just, my, like we were both discussing, so apropos this discussion in Hawaii, I was getting ready, I was getting pumped for my day, and what did you notice about what I like to listen to?


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[Assistant] And I also have a playlist when I work out, a goth playlist, where it's like high energy goth music and punk music.


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[Assistant] But I realize that Tom and I are just two sides of the same coin, cause that's angry and dark, and so is Bernie Madoff, angry and dark, and we just are both dark fucks. We are both sick people. Sick people, but in different ways. So I don't like crime, but I do enjoy like depressing dark and angry people.


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[Assistant] In a maxi pad, so she's saying if you're feeling hot down there, you just put yogurt on your maxi pad and then you put that, your panties on.


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[Assistant] But I have so many questions. What flavor do you get? Non-fat? Full-fat? Oh my god.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I put cucumber in there too.