[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I love, I don't get as many, you know, like, out and out, I hate you ones, but like, I get backhanded compliments, which are just, to me those are kind of fantastic. What's your favorite one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, I did that throwback show at Montreal with Wanda Sykes and Joe Coy and Fortune Feimster. It was a throwback show. They, they put clips, old clips of you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris Gethard was backstage and I was telling about it cause he was the, he was the next show, not, not throwback. And he just got quiet and I was like, are you okay? He's like, I'm just having horrible flashbacks. I'm having.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so someone said like, uh, these guys are really funny. No one could have saved that show, but boy they tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the show I thought did really well, which is surprising to me, but I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Office managers or bosses where the person has to laugh at the things you say. And so you, like Michael Scott, go like, Oh, I'm funny. Yeah, I'm funny. And so everyone has an


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was on my couch on my fifth beer. You were in front of a thousand people by yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do any of us, uh, not flinch a little when we're forced to say out loud that we're funny? And we're professionally that. But even then, right then, I couldn't say it because it's just like too, you know. It feels gross. It feels gross. A friend of mine and I are saying it's always hilarious when anyone


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's obviously talented. She's got good movement. Uh huh. Sense. It feels like a very white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, Kara is always just, just punching me over the head over, you're always, you never are, you know, you never, I'm never the guy who just like gives it three beats and goes, oh fuck this chick. You're not that guy. Never, not really, but like, but at the same time it's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is she putting this up to help with others' grief? Uh, I mean, what? To show her dance skill? Because she's obviously a good dancer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I respect this more than an incredibly fit celebrity that's like, like just showing his or her amazing body and going, and going, and going, there are times I didn't love myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, I love, there's that, I think she's English, but she does, she, she does, uh, imitations of celebrity, like videos and pictures. Uh huh. Where she's like, was a girl, a woman in a bikini.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to my childhood, I remember going to these performances and like looking at my dad and he's so uncomfortable, you know? He was uncomfortable. Yeah! Because it's just like, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, try to take a time. And you know he wants to be like, this is dumb. You know, like he wants to so bad. You know, but he's kind of just, just trying to keep an open mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They thought Schwarzenegger was really, and that was a real, you know, and they said like, the enemy, ah, I just want to stab someone so bad. And they really want a death star to blow up, but that shit doesn't exist. Trump says he's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and it's also, it's also like willful ignorance, where it's like, look, I don't want to learn on the ad. I don't want to go through all that stuff you've gone through. I just want to get it. I want to do the thing. Like the lady, I hated the, the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? So you can have all this, what do I gain in breaking my neck to do that? So it's like that thing of someone being like, well, I know you did stand up in shitty rooms for 20 years, but like, I just want to skip ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's like, I love being lazy. It's the best, but it doesn't get you anything. You need to recognize that, you know, it doesn't, you don't deserve things. Speaking as an only child. You know what I mean? I've always thought I was a golden, golden boy. I'm not right. You know what I mean? But it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The amount of people who just want stuff handed to them, and it's a stereotype for millennials, and I don't think it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's any more or less true than our generation or whatever, but like the amount of people who once they hit 30 and they're not Drake slash Zuckerberg. I wonder how it's going to shatter their psyches. Cause there's people that just expect, look, no, no, I'm a blow up. I'm going to blow up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't wanna miss out on all that stuff, the good and the bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't always snore, but like, my wife will wake me up, you know, and I'll go back to sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How is it? It's good. Yea, it feels real old school. You know, Jamie, who used to run the Improv, runs it. He does a bunch of different weird shows. The one thing is, parking is just a monster over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. What's it called? It's called Advice from a Dip Shit with Matt Bronger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. I'm very proud of the name. You know, everything I've ever named, it's just like, doesn't make me laugh. Like every album, every special. Is it a name that makes me laugh? You know what I mean? I always, I, you know, we both have bits about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if someone calls, calls, you know, like, like, I, I'm waiting for the guy to name his comedy album or special beast. Where it's like, which is a nickname we give, like a compliment, not a nickname we give each other. But anyway. Guy's a beast. Guy's a beast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do I, what's the show about? Okay, I get it. You know, like what, uh, I have to read it and understand. I feel like advice from a dipshit. You're like, I get it. So people, people can call in. Can I read the number?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. People call in and just leave a message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, whatever you want to ask about. Cause I feel like, you know, I got married at...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just like, it's kind of become this dear dipshit abbey for millennials and older. Where people are just like, and I get older people asking me how do you get over heartbreak? I get, uhm, people, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I start having like guests on every couple of episodes to listen with them with me. Cause I don't hear them beforehand. I don't pick the messages. My producer partner, Amanda does. And so she'll be like, Oh, I got some in the barrel for you this time. And she'll play them and I'll be like, what, like what the shit? And like, I'm doing them live now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so it's fun because the audience hears them for the first time with me. And there's nothing like a pack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot of fun and it's like, I treat everything sincerely. I make it entertaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, as a comedian, but it's like, I'm not here to make fun of people. And so people know that it's kind of like, I hate to use the term safe space, but it's like, say anything you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 3-2-3-7-6-3-0-2-2-8. And just leave a message. I love it. And it's fun, it's only a half hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it doesn't take too much time. In and out, you can throw it on and it's a blast, man. I love it. I love doing it. I love it, man. Thanks, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so inspired by how big this podcast is and how awesome it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was in, it was in Venice, and you went up and crushed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then someone went up af- I went up after you and did, uh, and I got off stage and I was like, who is that guy? I could have never seen you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this guy sidled up next to me and was like, yeah, you know why you didn't do that well? Cause that guy, he's not supposed to kill like that. And he didn't know you at all, based on how he thought you looked or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is his name Tom? I like Tom. Yeah, but it was that thing like the audacity of people to be like, look, to see you. I guess same guy would be like, oh, it's a chick. She'll probably be okay. You know what I mean? It's just that the categories people put. I love watching. I still love watching standup. I still love watching comedy and I love being surprised.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was about to go out on midnight, real quick, I was about to go out, bring us out on at midnight, and I'm back there with Hasan Minhaj, and I'm like, my legs are so stiff, I'm just stretching my thighs. He's like, you just stretch before you go out? I'm like, no, I never do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, but let me, let me, let me say, uh, that's, that's awful and ridiculous and just, uh, alright buddy, like, you know, cut it out. But, counterpoint, if that guy was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last lady came fifteen times before I went boom. Alright man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you don't say it staring in someone's face. You kind of say it off in the distance. You know what I mean? Like you're an old man bartender. And so it's like, Hey, how's it going, Sammy? And he's like, like to have some sex. What would you like? That's funny. He's not, he's saying it to the universe. I mean, everyone feels that way from time to time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, because last week... I think that helps his mouth technique.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I keep myself clean down there. He does not as well smell. I will bet a thousand dollars he has real smelly balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I would pay someone. I'd pay a Vegas professional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get in with her. He not only wants sex, he wants to live off a lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like he checks off all the boxes for what modern woman is looking for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember that movie, Election? Yeah, remember the cut to when he finds out Matthew Broderick finds out his co-worker, his co-teacher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he grew, he grew a stylish trimmed goatee. That is pretty nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can't be fat great titties, right? Cause that's two descriptors before the T.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? But you know what it means. You just haven't said the meaning. That's right. Okay. It's horrible. Well should I just put it on and walk around like a mall in Sherman Oaks or something? And just see if I get punched in the mouth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Cause it's like, oh, alright. It's a talent. It's hard to guess the person's sex, just listening to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, before he looked like he could be outside a restaurant or an alleyway. Now he's in the San Andreas hills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, absolutely. Why don't we do that? Let's take a break. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did make me laugh that Tom made a good point. He's like, I don't think you can get out of the car. And I'm like, yeah, it's a preschool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just the visions of divorced dads that deserve to get divorced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Tommy. Damn it, it's my son. I don't care what any court says. You know, I'm sure they had a deal with that sort of thing. You know, I can't be just standing in the parking lot and parents like, I've never seen him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, I remember, like my, my parents are both educators now retired, but my dad used to, he was in administration the last like 10, 15 years and he was a principal and a vice principal and at one point he was principal of this place near our house called, uh, called Hollyrood that's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like maybe K through 5? And I remember walking up and my dad's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was, is, is like taller than me. Now he's kind of shrunk with age, but like he's a big guy and he's just destroying these kids in Foursquare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was just so fun to watch. But it was like, I wa- walking onto the playground, I'm like, I f- this just feels so weird. I'm like, I'm like, dad, hey! And all the kids just turned to me and went, dad, hey! Like they all yelled back at me. And it was like, my dad's like, oh, it's my son. And we were like, oh, okay, okay. But it's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was my first exposure to, you know, you can't just walk in here. Yeah, right. Right. You know, it's just, I'm very conscious of, no, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My old voting place used to be inside a grade school that was down the street from my, I'd go in there and I'm like, in the hallway alone, I'm like, this is not good. Where's the voting? Why'd you put it here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you hear the song. I thought it was black. Also, uh, uhm, he did, uhm, uh, what's that song?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Bobby also. That's Bobby Caldwell, yeaah. He still tours, he still, he does like, standards and stuff, but yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Doug Stanhope had that bit about, remember that, the woman that went on like the, uh, Britain's Got Talent and sang,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the song, and it just, and killed it, and like, everyone's like, oh my god, and Stan Hope was like, have you heard about the unattractive woman who couldn't sing? Has anyone heard of this, this wondrous creature? And it's like, oh my, and it hit me, I was like, oh, that's all that was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little off-putting because he is a leathery man. And has about four teeth evenly spaced apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the front. No good. It's weird that he does something weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He probably just stole, wore a basketball jersey to the club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would be that guy, like, like sometimes you see those comics that like idolized, you know, those comics that just like, I just say anything, you know? Yeah. Political correctness is my enemy. And so those people that just say something absolutely bananas, that he's not funny. He would be doing, that's his between song filler, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I had more visual, and I don't mean to see her. I'm not like, is she handicapped? But like, I don't see where.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I'm sorry. He was pissed that there was no excuse me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. You know, which I get it. I mean, that's a natural, if we're having a conversation, someone's like, you really? Like, okay. Do you know how to, how to interrupt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's what, the things I'm suspicious of is when a recording starts before. Usually, if someone's like, and it just, it starts and a cop's yelling at this person, and you're like, okay yeah, this person probably did escalate, not the person recording, but they're like, I'm gonna record this, you're, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, I'm as angry at certain cops as anyone is right now, but it's just like, what the fuck does that solve? Just on random cops? Yeah dude, they just come up and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, I do feel like that guy could have handled it better and been like, you know, but it's, it's, you know, I can't, it's always...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Driving that thing with a straw, and I'm not, I'm just gonna be like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, nothing makes me laugh harder than just someone being that immediately crazy. That's just right away crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, at the time, it was horrifying, but I look back and I laugh so hard that like, me and a buddy, we couldn't have been more than eight or nine. We're in the park, and there's a water fountain, and there's hardly any water coming out of it, and we're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe four seconds passed by. We're like, I don't know, uh, this guy behind us is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like wha- holding a baby, a grown man. You girls gonna drink or not? We're both two boys. We're both two little boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not coming out very well, like stuttering. Yeah. Like just shocked. He's like, well then suck it. And we're like, we just walked away. Of course. Who's that insane to a young boy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think, I think Eglee's, last I, last I heard it, Eglee went to MIT. So he's a smart guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well we found this silliest name in the phone book and called him like a thousand times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hey man, do you have headphones? Can you use them? And they're like, I don't have them. And I'm like, okay, I don't need to hear that thing. You turn it down and they're like, you've said it? And they look at me like I'm crazy. What? I can't watch my television in public. They look, they literally feel that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have a choice. I gotta hold it to my head? I'm not gonna do that. Off of speakerphone? No!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just look, like we're all sitting in the same, uh, uh, you know, gate. Yeah. Waiting for the flight. Yeah. And I'm like, hey man, do you have headphones? Can you put those on? I always just say, can you have headphones? Can you put those on? Like in the same sentence. Yep. So they don't say any like, they're like, I don't have them. It's like, and that's the same thing. They're like, really there's nothing I can do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're forced to listen. And I'm like, can you turn the sound off? And they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? They can't believe it. Of course. Because it's like, listen, nobody likes confrontation, and I'm not. No, no. I hate it, I hate it so much, if someone's, I've maybe shushed people two times in the, in the, in the, in the movie theater. Maybe, maybe. I will put up with stuff, I have,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Found out the best neighbors on our cul-de-sac.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But beneath, they have like a pool, and they were up, 10.30, Kara's sick, trying to go to bed, they're blaring 80's music and sing along to it, and I'm just like, ugh, and I just go out in the backyard and I'm like, hey guys, past 10, can you uh, can you turn it down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you! Like, right away, right away, like, like, buy another fucking house, uh, but like to each other, not to me, just being like, oh, fuck me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, they have two kids. Did they turn it down? What? Yea, they turned it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were like, welcome to fucking neighborhood. And I just said...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. And went inside. It's like, I'm not playing your game. I'm not gonna be the other. You're gonna, you're, you're faded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not just drunk, you're on something else. They probably were doing lines or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit, I think maybe Silver Lake more than Los Feliz, but like, it's, there's still that element and like, uh, yeah, so it's, it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got a good one. We were just in Provincetown, uh, you know, the way, the top of the, of, of the, uh, the Cape in New England. And it's, it's the gayest town you've ever been to, which means the funnest town and is like this great little like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beach town, we'd never been, we just wanted to go, we were already on the east coast, we're like, oh, let's take a couple of days and go. And the guy who picked us up to get us to the airport,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the Lyft driver picks us up, real thick West Indian, you know, Jamaican accent, uh, and he put, and he's like, the phones ringing, and he's like, he's like, uh, who's, who's this? And turns up then, uh, Jacob? Oh, Jade, uh, are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where are you? You're supposed to be here. No, you said, uh, 8.30. I did not say 8.30. I did not say 8.30. And he's like, Gid, Gid, Gid, listen to me, Gid. And she keeps, she's screaming at him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's an employer. And he's like, had to go to the hospital, and, uh, Jeet, Jeet, stop yelling, I have people in the car. Are you going to the hospital? Or are you doing, are you doing lift right now? Are you doing lift right now? And we're just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like you don't know your boss's number and you just answer it while people are in the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this is a guy who, like, got his career started by being like, he was like a studio exec's karate trainer. That's right. And the exec would take him into meetings and let's, let's spar. We should put this guy in a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this was the 80s, when it was all cocaine and misogyny, you know, and so like, you know, he came out of that era and probably just never changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was just like, no you come in my trailer, I wanna blowjob. Is there any more? Where you going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be a new location. It has to be. If we have you back. Yeah, I know. Well, listen, I just, I feel like I, uh, help you move on up, you know, in the parlance of the Jefferson. So it's like every time I come back, you're like, wait, what? We just got a million more listeners. So we got to move into this podcast castle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Fremont. Sissy Gemini. Again, you stupid white bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to eat something? Well, it's like I have your food, it's fucking good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me at 23.95. If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me. I need, I need to be fucked a lot, man. Free food, free rent, and everything else, man, we have a deal, man. Men from jail, homeless, or uhm, you're a thug, you wanna cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we are, face to face. Do you know this song?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so true. I think that is your general level of excitement. You've never really gone off the rails. Like I said before during the ads, like, Tom, you sold out the wheel turn. You're like, yea, that's cool. Tom, I'm having a baby. Yea, that's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, watch this video of a guy getting his legs crushed. What? Then you're excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's your joy. As long as you know it gives you joy. Yeah, I know. As long as something gives you joy. Oh, for sure. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What were you watching last night? It was another Spanish show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In his mouth, I just thought like just shit through a hammock and then just kinda shit on and around his mouth. No. In and around. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just thought it meant around the mouth. I didn't really think he ate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what an easy gig. I mean, if you're gonna be a prostitute, I figure that's kind of one of the kosher gigs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a very specific fetish, my goodness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean talk about the level of self-awareness you'd have to have to really figure that one out for yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean you really have to be, uhm, brave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that for me would be so deeply repressed. Sexually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like why don't you just repress that impulse like your whole life and never allow it to happen? I would never let myself indulge in that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They must enjoy the smells and the, the hotness of it and the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so funny? This reminds me of the piss on me, beat me, tried out guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of a great deal. I mean, if I were one of these girls and I ran this country, I had no options. And some white guys like, do you want to shit in this hammock in my mouth? Like, yeah, absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, but if you were a troubled, you know, like a girl who needed...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think he needs a certain, like a Bristol number for him to be into it? Like four or five?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yesterday at the airport, I had the experience of I landed at LAX and the woman in the stall next to me had a full speakerphone conversation in Spanish while she was taking a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While she was taking a dump. Well, it's on speakerphone no less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you kinda, you clench and you let it out piece by piece so that it doesn't make sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're embarrassed. Women are embarrassed of their bodies. Yeah. And their body functions. Not like dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you guys so open? That's, I wanna know what the difference is. Why? Is it testosterone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I heard smoking meth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we just say one thing now? What? That he meets the criterion of a fantastic Your Mom's House video. First of all, the lighting is dog shit. Horrible lighting. He's got the ceiling in the background, the white. The camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can barely see his face because he's lit so poorly. He hits all the boxes for a perfect video. Now this guy's gonna be in our world for a minute. Okay, hold on, you ready? I don't like hearing about his cum, do you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he came in four strokes. So disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's a close tie between the piss on me, beat me guy and then watching your brother jack his dick in front of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that could take this video from an 8 to a 10.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is if he had done this video high. I agree. I wish he would have been more hopped up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now this is a big problem in the gay community, smoking meth and doing gay sex. Yeaah. Yeaah, because they don't use protection. In San Francisco it was a big uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so now it makes sense why this was a thing in the gay community when I lived in SF because they would have billboards like, hey guys, don't smoke meth and butt fuck. Because what happens is you get all hopped up and then you don't have a condom. You don't use condoms. And it was like, it was bad for the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a lot. I wonder why, see this is a question for the doctor, like why does the meth make your dick so hard? That's what I love.


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[Assistant] Like, why do guys, they all have to go into explicit detail, just like the Benadryl guy.


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[Assistant] I didn't know there was any positives to meth, but I'm glad there's one, at least, that we know of. I mean, besides losing all your teeth, which could be kind of good sexually too. Scabs. Scabs are fun. And they do like to pick them. Skin pick.


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[Assistant] She was a, she was a lesbian? Yes. She was really aggressive. She was like, I want the girls to eat my pussy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it's just so amazing that people's priorities in their lives, like, guys, I gotta tell you this.


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[Assistant] I got a million dollars in this motherfucker. I remember she said that, she had a million dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. The brother thing, I don't think that's the first time they've jerked off in front of each other. I'm gonna go with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of a, that doesn't sound like a first time thing. Those two are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fantastic news. I wish they would get the other creeps. I feel like Weinstein.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, Matt Lauer and, uh, Seacrest and who else? Dustin Hoffman.


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[Assistant] Unfucking real. For those of you who are just listening to the show, so Tommy's playing a clip of Cosby walking, this is out of court, so he's been through it all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my, I mean, you're coming out of court. Yeah. And it's a, you should look somber and worried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is so removed emotionally from what's happening. Like, he doesn't take this seriously at all. I'm surprised he's not afraid of a judge saying that. The judge. Uh, and being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I don't know, I don't know the actual team names, I'm assuming Chitlin Legs is the joke. That one was a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His eyes are all fucked up there too. He just starts to get blind right around there. Yeah. One eye this way, one eye that way. One eye goes this way, one eye goes that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody's as checked out as it's Bill Cosby. I mean, he's a total total sociopath. You think he would drug off with that guy? Yeah, absolutely, he'd drug him. He likes him sedated.


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[Assistant] Well, my mission from now on, I'm gonna find the killer. I'm gonna find the person who killed Nicole. I think we did, asshole.


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[Assistant] And we've seen him devote his finances, his time to trying to find Nicole's killer. Can you imagine the sociopathy on this motherfucker too? As checked out as he is.


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[Assistant] The laughter and the goofing off stuff, that's the sign of a real psycho.


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[Assistant] What is that Tom, you study sociopaths, you love these TV shows, like what, what is happening with He and the Cause where it's, it's obvious they've done things they've been accused of and yet they're so like, I don't know, I just, like what is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same way that pedophiles convince themselves maybe that like, oh, this child wants this because they're coming over here and they're,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's true because narcissists can't take any responsibility. Even on the lesser scale, like not the sociopathic types of narcissists, maybe the ones that have raised me, they don't ever want to take responsibility for shit. So you can be like, Hey, remember that time you did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] x, y, and z, and they're like, I don't know what you're talking about. Like they'll totally...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He's the, he's the dad, America's dad. That was the sickest part. Well, that's because I mean, he's pushing away all the dark shit in his world, right? And becoming the moral compass for all of us. He can't handle his own darkness. Oh, so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're, when you start doing drugs and you're traumatized, your, uhm, development stops at that age level. Stunted. So you actually are going into the world as an 8 or 9 or whatever 11 year old for like a decade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would you feel bad though? It's not your fault. Your parents weren't on the, listen, let me tell you something. My kid doesn't take a dump for a day and I'm all over him. If your parent doesn't know that you're smoking meth and you're out in the streets and you're doing stuff, that's on them, man. They should have had an eye on you. It's not your responsibility.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's wrong with them? I don't know. Cause I've never heard anything negative about Filipinos. Like what are the stereotypes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what if that's just a Korean thing and not, you know what I'm saying? Like, different strokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, no, no, no, no, your logic is skewed. Okay, what about like the Inuits and shit? I mean, they don't have technology. They live in like igloos and they eat still meat and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's interesting, Max. I don't know if I've ever met that Max. That's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, are you culturally appropriating the white guy stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, isn't that, but that's also generational. Like I feel like, you know, we can't, we can't shit on them. It's like, that's the time they came up. It's like, what are you gonna do? Change a seven year old guy's life around, his brain around? It's just not how we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In terms of like, dudes in this business especially, in the show business, we were just talking about this at the very top of the show, how normal he is, and how sweet he is, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it is tough to read horrible things about you. I mean, who likes that? Nobody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you realize these are people that are unhappy with their own lives. Whoever started that about you, it's not about you. They're just looking for a target, somewhere to put their anger and rage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. How about a fuckin' poc- no, cuz you're not, you're not a miserable cunt. This person's a miserable cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Right, right. So it's the same coin. They're just haters going, hey girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my God, right? Yeah. Taking it out. Well, it's, when you think about it, it's such an easy outlet. I'm angry. I'm pissed off. I'm just going to throw my hate towards a stranger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, nobody answered your question, he was handsome, very handsome, uh, Chinese guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a problem with the Chinese guy I dated, uh, we were together for four years, so we were serious, we were living together. And then, uhm, there was that whole idea of taking care of the whole family, taking care of mom and dad and everybody, so I think that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I liked him as a person, yeaah, I didn't have like crushes or nothing. Yeaah. But then I always liked Tom because he was so mature, like I met him when he was 23 and I was 26. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was just like a man, like he, he carried himself like a grown ass man, and he was so funny at 23, like, Tom Zegger has never not been good at stand ups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, it's true though, cause that did really work against me when I tried to get an agent. Cause back then, reality TV, we were in the dumpster. People thought of us as like, just used up fucking porn stars, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, he really just farted in the next room. Did he really? Did you hear that? Stay there for a while. I don't wanna smell that, I'm pregnant, I'll fucking barf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a fuckin', it kind of feels to me like a racket. Like, come on, it's not really a talent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How is that a talent? If you don't have to write it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grammy nominated jazz vocalist, Jazzmia Horn. Scatting is more than a technique.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a means to honor her ancestry and empower herself in the moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the old way, you gotta preserve the cool stuff, right?


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[Assistant] And honestly, I don't even like the way like when the horn plays just by itself. I don't like that shit either. Like I like jazz.


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[Assistant] I mean I know there's clearly a lot of skill involved in doing that stuff, but for me it just gives me anxiety listening to it.


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[Assistant] That truly is, truly is one music form I don't, I just don't get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, and it's absurd to think that of all the galaxies and all the solar systems and how we only know of this planet having life that like we're somehow special.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think God even has time. Let's say that there is a God. He doesn't have time to keep track of all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is interesting how, I mean, you're taught these rules kind of early if you're brought up in religion. And then there is a turning point where you go like, wait a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, why can't I do that? Why can't I eat pork or why can't I have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, obviously. Duh. Why don't you believe me? Well, uh, I forgot what I was gonna say. Yeah, I, yeah, it's, it's, well, fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think every time he comes, that's rain?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, that makes a lot more sense as God come when, when there's a hurricane. Or blizzards or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but like, I do feel like it is something to do with being really, you're really inundated with it as a child, and you kind of have to undo your childish beliefs as an adult, and a lot of people don't, and you're like, wait, that doesn't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and especially because if you, I mean, Jesus' message is of love and acceptance, and he accepted the prostitutes, and he accepted all the people that, you know, were marginalized in society. But, except for those, you know, Jews, and Muslims, and... I mean, I get it if religion gives you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Umbrella. Yeah, she said Umbrella. She added a syllable to umbrella.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know- Speaking of religion though, it's funny cause I flew home yesterday from Porkland.


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[Assistant] How was that? Amazed. Amazed. Our audiences are by far the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a movie star now. You think you should really clean up? Clean up my act? The voice, the act, the everything. Uh, so I came back from Portland, which was a maze. The audiences were amazed. You guys are fantastic for coming out. I really do appreciate all of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I came home and we were texting and you go, is it weird that I don't give a shit about Easter?


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[Assistant] And it's Sunday as I'm flying home on Easter Sunday. And I go, neither do I. I could give fucking zero fucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I honestly think it's twofold for me why I don't like Easter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, because of the Stations of the Cross, because in Catholic school, it was like, they didn't focus on the Easter bunny or on the fun or the chocolate. Catholic school is like, and then the suffering Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's, they suck the fun, they suck the joy. And we had to walk, I remember our campus was beautiful, and they had, they actually did the real stations of the cross, and we had to walk around with a nun, you know, Sister Anne or whoever, and then she's like, and this is when Jesus fell again! And Jesus falls like a hundred times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did they do that? And then I remember I had this teacher who had to teach us exactly how the nails got put in. Did you know that they did not, by the way it's inaccurate historically, that they put the nails through Jesus' palms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, because that would slide off the cross. If you nailed somebody's palms, it would just tear through it and the person would fall. So they crucified you by nailing it through your wrists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Santa hadn't fallen just yet, but I was starting to catch on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anna, I remember my dad, I was staying with him at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. It's going to come. Like, of course, ignoring me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of course I woke up Easter morning and there was nothing, like, my dad didn't even buy me like, a chocolate, like nothing in the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we don't, so here's the thing, is that we don't fuck up our kids good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As much as I don't give a fuck about Easter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made sure that our child enjoyed Easter yesterday. Right. We did an Easter egg hunt for LJ and he got, you know, we didn't do the Jesus stuff to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, why, my dad was so selfish, like, why wouldn't you just be like, he, and I remember him blowing me off, like, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, it's gonna be here tomorrow, yeah, yeah. Like, it was so dismissive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And shitty, like you couldn't have gotten- I know you went to the liquor store. I know you went down to the 7-Eleven. You could have gotten me like a fucking chocolate buddy with your six or a Heineken. I mean that's just fucking lazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but if your kid says pacifically, hey dad,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easter Bunny's coming tomorrow, you know what that means. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cute little girl asking you for shit. I mean, come on, Jesus Christ. I'm fucking lazy. If she asks-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're right, the women tend to keep up the traditions. They do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, because I know it makes everybody, it brings joy. Just like at Halloween, I decorate the house, I like to have that stuff. Maybe because my parents were so great at it, you know, I'm just carrying on their tradition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So hard to commit to something. Oh my God. I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, prison tattoos, I don't think that's fair. Cause it's like, that dude's in prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I mean like, you can't, you can't really rank a prison tattoo. It's like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I thought they do a stencil first so you can proofread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's another thing you have to take into consideration is like that, that's on an angle. Like that's a round surface. It's not even a flat, it's like an arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're right. I think you're right. Yeah. So like not only does he have to get you in your life, your likeliness. Perfect. Your likeness. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he has to do it on an angle. So like, how does he even, how do they fucking learn? How do you learn to tattoo? That's the real thing. That means you gotta give a lot of bad tattoos, I'm assuming, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I will say when your diet was way worser,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you were eating like pizza and stuff, your beard would smell a lot like, like cheese and stuff more often. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I sniffed your beard and I was like, did you smoke cigars?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but it's still in your beard and in your skin and you hadn't showered, right? I'm assuming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, pretty interesting. You go on your hikes, who knows what happens there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are we gonna talk about? I wanted to bring up that Netflix show you and I got into, uh, that Beachbody show. Oh, where people go to Thailand? Beauty and the Beach or something, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's people from New Zealand and Australia who can't afford to have it I guess done there and then they go to Thailand for discount major plastic surgery. And I'm talking like removing penises, creating vaginas, face work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You missed it cause they show the dong in her hand at one point. She's like, yeah, y'all paint it, we cut it all. And he's like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm enjoying the Thai accent, babe. I can do it now. My mom is, my new mom's Vietnamese, so I can make fun of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess there's this, there's this poor woman in Australia who, her uterus is coming out of her vagina, cause she had five babies, and she has like public healthcare, and they told her she had to wait nine years to get the procedure, so she's like, fuck that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh, I mean, and in that case, I understand going to Thailand, it's closer for, obviously, for Australians. You get it done, and it's a nice enough place, it's fancy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, anyway, there's this one lady. Cause you, they don't show you, first of all, they don't show you a year later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the face is relaxed and you see how the muscles have kind of come together and the work that they've done. So you only see like two, three weeks post-op.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're all so geeked to have the work done and they're so excited and they're all shiny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my number. And then I was like, fuck you. And I went to my Hungarian dentist and he's like, you have like one cavity. This is a lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not. Ask my friend Eric. I was, he was there when it happened. We worked together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had a case of the Tom Segura's. Cause you got that eyebrow, that's your eyebrow move. She had a case of the Meenies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that shit looked, just one, and I remember dude, right before she went into the doctor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, is her fucking eyebrow higher, dude? I was like, look at that eyebrow. It was slowly creeping up, creeping up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks horrible! And he's like, it's very normal, it will come down, da da da, and I was like, no way, no fucking way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do not. Those doctors are very good. Those doctors pioneered the whole, you know, cutting the weenie off surgery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they use the tip of the penis to make the clitoris. Yeah, and then the penis skin I think is the outer delabia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that amazing? It's amazing and I wish they would have shown more. No. Detail. No. I have so many questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You wanna have that done?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. So moving along topic wise, you and I went into, uh, bar stucks, uh, we go, we, we dropped feet. We were taking feet to the vet, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were on our way back and I had to go pee in the Starbucks. And when I went to go pee, there was a woman next to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she dropped her out, and she had full diarrhea. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have to say, in girl world, that is very rare. It's extremely rare. It's as rare as hearing a double pipe classic, cause generally women don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like a, like a toot will slip out, like poop, and then you'll know, like, oh, she's, she's shitting. But you don't seldom do you hear like the full. And then like all of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do I, I mean, I don't, I usually just shit with reckless abandon. If I have to shit, I shit. I don't fucking care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I feel like I would like that this woman was just going for it. I mean it was Starbucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the farts, I think it's the farts that women don't want people to hear the farts or hear the sounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever had someone after you violent shit in public and then they're like, Hey, you're Tom Segura. I know you're a comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, he's like, you should be under 25 years old. Here's this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Piss on me, beat me. He's like, he's like that level of mania.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when you're high on cocaine or whatever it is, you're not really thinking clearly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet he's coked up, he looks, his, the eyes are kinda wild, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I thought it was kind of a narcissist. I'm gonna go with the doubleheader of cocaine as drugs and mania. He might be bipolar. Some kind of an episode happening here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is anyone not high? I mean, look at those pupils. Boo!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it, yeaah. Yeaah, it's like, how did she come, how did they, I guess all these weirdos that buy into this shit, or she's read some weird- She read some bullshit. Book about, you know, the, the, the seti, whatever, messages of extraterrestrials. You know, there's a whole subculture into this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, well, in her mind, the Earth is flat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't want to devote the mental energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To figuring out what horseshit she's talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's too bad she's not 18 to 26. We could set her up with a thousand dollar steak guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and I also think there's just people that are, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wounded and they, they really just need something to believe in and like aliens and incarnations and spiritual forks and all, like, you know, it's her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go for it. Speaking of spiritual forks, I was in the airport and I saw a woman wearing house slippers, like fuzzy house slippers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's actually not the first time I've seen that. I've been seeing a trend of young girls wearing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, it's not the open tonus, cause somebody commented like, oh, do you hate feet? Is that what you're, like, no, it's not the feet. It's that these shoes are not meant to be worn, uh, out in the streets. They're flimsy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shitty flip-flop, yeaah. Not even a flip-flop, it's got that one bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So your toes are exposed, your heel is exposed. It's really not a supportive shoe. It's a crummy, uh, sole, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And I saw a lot of boys wearing pajama bottoms, like straight jammies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Besides when we live next door to 7-11, that's all he ate. That's how we got that, just saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me. Is that when he would drink the red Gatorade, he would have a ring around his lips of red and in his beard. It would like, the color would bleed into his beard too. So that was kind of a neat bonus with the Gatorade drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is what you like to get when you're sick, you get like, the lesser sugar Gatorade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, I've heard it. It's very prevalent. It's a common, a common thing. People say Chicago. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what I hate too is people who call San Francisco Frisco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the natives do not fucking call it, it's just terrible. Frisco. No one says that. When you live up there it's San Fran.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I'm wondering, do these girls, she's kind of all over in genres, but do women generally choose Elaine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? Like, you know how Bella Donna's like, you know, she's rough. Like, she'll do a baseball bat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here we go. Cutie Payton Parker, but it says, oh, is that who that is? Payton?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Come hungry, pay and laugh for the outside sucking hard dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Small tits. Hardcore anal. Yea, it's pretty run of the mill. That's what I was saying. Yea. Deep ass screwings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I not do my own laundry? Like that's, that's fantastic. That's why you have money. You don't have to do all those annoying things in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I get upset when I hear rich people not spending money on like, education.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there kids or they're like, who's sending kids to public school? I'm like, yeah, but in California and a nice, I know that some public schools are great, but where we live, it's really not fantastic for the most part. It depends on your neighborhood, but it's like, dude, just spend the money if I can send your kids somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about, what about people that don't fix their teeth that have all the money in the world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do think the slap was unnecessary, the head slap. That was a bonus slap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, like a wheelchair? Or a little wheelie thing? Oh yea, he's got like a scoot scoot for his leg. Oh yea! This motherfucker has a scoot scoot and he's starting to shit!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I just wish you hadn't done that in the first place, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, good for them. They defended themselves. That guy could have gone way, way crazier too, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't dogs have to wipe? I have a question for you mommies. Why do dogs not have to wipe their ass after pooping? But humans do. Justin from Portland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know, I don't know because I actually think our dogs need a wiping sometimes because we've actually had to wipe Bitsy's, uh, pooper after, after a shit. So they kind of do sometimes. I'm guessing because their glands, their anal glands are stronger maybe and they're able to pinch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like I said, we've had the butt stamp on several pieces of furniture in this house, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, remember, Feef used to do it a lot, back in Redondo. We had a carpet that I got from like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some cheapy place, Ikea or something, it was covered in dog shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're telling me they both feel the urge to shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's some things like you just have an automatic body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop it. So the guys take turns. It's like my night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She doesn't do DPs, I didn't see that. Is that a DP? Double vag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's too bad she's in retirement. I feel like we just boosted her career, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about that clip that day had that feel to be a bull hog. What was that like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, those poor women, those dumb things they have to say, and men actually, there's all these silly things. I mean, you gotta be able to sell those stupid dialogue, just like on any TV show or thing you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uhm, I have, I know somebody very dear to me, very close to me, who can't burp either. It's a girl. And I've tried for years, been like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I've, I've tried training her, we've tried soda, I've tried, there's different things you can do, you can, uh, force the burr. C cup, C cup, D cup. I'll say a B. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you can't suck in the air, you can train yourself to burp that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens is he farts, so it's choosing to go down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think some people are more inclined to be burpee than others. It's a gift. It's a genetic blessing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the swallowing, it's not, he says he swallows air, it's bringing it up into sound that's causing him trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies. Ladies. And you gotta be white. Cause I like white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, Hitler. Hey, mommy. Hey, mommy. Hey, what's your pronoun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had her on, uh, my god, maybe back in the Redondo days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, like, you know me in real life. We have phone numbers, asshole, or email. Yeah, people are like, I DM'd you. I'm like, on what? I don't care. I'm not, I don't fucking look at my apps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And look at those messages. I Facebooked you, so? So does every other lunatic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, we need to get these cameras mounted on the walls. That's Blue Man, that's your next project, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think this might be my favorite intro clip of all time because-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it incorporates some of my favorite elements. There's the intelligence of the TEDx talk, the seriousness with which she's talking about it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, um, no, not about, uh, when he came to the States, he didn't know that you could sit down on Western toilets. He thought you stood on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he would be squatting and his roommate walked in on him once and was like, what are you doing bro? And he didn't know that you could just sit directly down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but no, he wasn't, he didn't shit in public or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine, well, and here's the problem with downtown LA, is they're like, well, okay, the rent is like five grand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, did you want to park? Okay, that's another thousand dollars, and that's five blocks from here, and then you gotta walk in the middle of the night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It literally was a place where they just pushed all the homeless into those igloo houses. It was just a place for homeless people and crackheads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still, and that's the thing is that it's not 100% cleaned up. So you'll go to the toy district. Once that sun goes down, all the zombies come out and it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Art galleries and it's very hopping, it's very nice and if you're young and you're cool, like that's the place to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you don't want your fucking kid looking at guys taking shits. Maybe you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, have you ever shit outside? I've never shit outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause you're pulling out like these metal, you know, bins with like, you know, like, like picnic style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much. Well we ordered, okay, a half slab of their onion rings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I took a dump, I took two shits this morning and I went in after you took your dump and it smelled like barbecue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this is the thing, you order these things called burnt ends, and then I'm like, well, what are they the ends of?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, uh, yeaah, like what's that in the funny farm movie when he's eating the cow, the balls, lamb, lamb fries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, we haven't gone out like that in a while. I tell you what, I've been reining it in this second trimester. I haven't, I haven't really blown it up with my eating. And that, that was it. We just went, we went crazy. I went for a walk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went for a lay down. I had to lay down the rest of the day. I was so fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could not even eat last night and then this morning I didn't want to eat and like I'm pregnant, I have to eat. Like I was light, excuse me, lightheaded this morning because I'm like, I physically don't want to eat anymore. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, so you and I also, we don't normally watch these, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Oscar movies, I think you and I are kinda the outliers of the, uh, that world where we don't give a- I don't- I generally don't give a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna hear it. But, uh, we watched The Shape of Water, now you are away shooting your movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I heard a story about her in my acting class that she was one of those people that didn't hit it until much later and she got turned down for Grey's Anatomy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she didn't get it and she was like depressed for a year. Well, what do you know? The help comes around that movie. And because she didn't do Grey's Anatomy, guess what? She's free to do the help. And now, so it's like one of those wonderful stories in showbiz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy, he's such a good deadpan. He's such a good miserable dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not, he's so fantastic. He's got a great face. He looks like he eats rocks. Yeah, this guy. Oh, I just love him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mud, that's the movie we named our son after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, and I like that Guillermo, what's his name? Del Toro. I like, I like Latin filmmakers. I like whatever. He's a great director. So I wanted to see it and I knew you watched it and I was bummed that you'd watched it. So sometimes we watch movies when you're away, we watch them together and then we'll kind of recap together. It's like we watch it together kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, Richard is the character he plays and I don't want to give away too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which by the way, sidebar, my favorite titles forever clips have been, Guy Uses Lung Infection as Instrument, and Homeless Man Gets Raped by Gay Ghost. Yes. Go ahead. I had to say before I forgot it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was fun because I feel like every time Richard opens his mouth, it could have been a moment because it takes place in the sixties. So it's very inappropriate. It's very sexist, very racist time. And that's the best part is that Richard is like totally indicative of that era.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it makes me laugh. I love that stuff. That makes me laugh so hard. The inappropriateness of that character. And he had so many great moments and I, I'm not going to give away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, too much, but it definitely was an ultra-violent part. And I didn't- I was off by a moment. Like I feel like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So just for the people that have seen this movie, I know how annoying this conversation is to not clue you in. So I won't give anything away. I'll say the scene that I thought it was, uh, Tom would find the funniest, let's just say there's a gunshot in an extraordinary place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's a part where he gets romantic with his wife. That did make me laugh too. That's definitely on the list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but the moment that Juan, that I wasn't, uh, aware of is, it has to do with his fingers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is a concept theme, but, uh, their demise or how that, how they, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did and I, and I thought like that makes sense because, A, it's really inappropriate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're enough of a derelict, uh, degenerate to find that funny, that moment. Cause that moment by definition for me wasn't, it wasn't funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one was more like, oh that was an interesting choice for him. Like I literally, I didn't get grossed out, I was like, cause I knew that was gonna happen eventually, cause that's the kind of guy he is. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would suck to pick, to clean up, is what my thought was for her, for Octavia Spencer, being like, oh dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. She's got to clean that up. This poor woman cleans for a living and now she's got to clean this fucking thing, you know? Yeah. But I didn't, I didn't think that that was the funniest. No, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was, I, I don't know man. I got it, I got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wonder sometimes, like, am I related to anybody who's remotely fucking functional and normal? Like, what do you think? You know all my relatives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, is there anybody that is just a fucking normal? And I know people, what is normal? Okay, here's what is normal. No personality disorder. Uh, no alcoholism or drug addiction. No severe depression that cripples you or prevents you from doing things in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, functioning, you know what I'm saying? Like that's what I'm saying, okay? So let's, let's, let's do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I haven't talked to my father in a while for various reasons I won't go into. But let's just say, you know, we're not, we're not speaking right now. So I heard through the grapevine through, uh, my cousin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but celebration, celebration is in order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, uh, I apparently have a new stepmom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, I think she's a little older than what I'm talking about. Okay. So apparently my dad married a Vietnamese woman he met online. And, uh, she's 34.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so, and we've been watching Age Gap Love, and it turns out I have a real age gap love in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was very weird. Uhm, but what do you think is happening in, like, my dad's situation? Like, she's 34.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it sounds like true love, is all I'm saying. Like, you come from a poverty-stricken place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine we have to have her over for like Thanksgiving?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. It's a good thing we're not speaking right now, cause I can't handle that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The language and then having to pretend like it's normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what's up with my parents and like the remarriage to the like the third world honeys. They bought my mother liked Indian guys. And then my dad's mirroring open defecation too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you know why, you know, I had to put down a boundary and I have to hold, I have to maintain. I think it's only right, but you know, I, uh, good luck and uh, wow, what an interesting turn of events.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vietnam is an open defecation country? I mean, in rural parts, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Don't make fun of my mom's accent. That's how my mommy talks. Guys, I have a new Vietnamese mom, and I'm- Kimmy that's way too old. That would never work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Geez. What would you do if your dad, uh, your mom dies and like, that's, that's your replacement mom, your new mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's always weird when your stepmom's like the younger, younger model and you're like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we'll see how it goes, you know, third time's a charm, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because I think you'd be bored with someone who's normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just someone that doesn't have a warp sense of reality. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Like, uh, last night on Age Gap Love, there's one that was a total four corners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not like you. Like we know each other so well and you know, you have to get used to another person's smells and another person's whole thing. It would be such an effort to get remarried, don't you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't you ask for a text? Yeaah, this might be the groceries though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and I'm so excited because the fabu- fabulous, I was gonna say fantastic and I wanted to say fabulous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My fat, fabulous, fabulous friend. Well, okay then. Allison Rosen's here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, are you kidding me? You're, you're an inspiration to me and you've written a book, which is crazy. What's the book?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you already know Alison Rosen, she has a wildly successful podcast called Alison Rosen is your new best friend. She's been at your mom's house. How many times have you been on our show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No chips, no nuts. I feel like you are the inter- I do not enjoy dancing. Like you're the inner voice of every human being, but it's the stuff that people are afraid to admit to. Thank you. That's so nice. I just capture that stuff so well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think that the, the gentlemen there are gonna be comparing you to the waitresses and being like, that chick's not a Hooters girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I always thought it was interesting the Hooters uniform, the nude nylons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They gave him another chance, which was like, really dude? I mean, look, these Hooters girls still deserve respect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did not enjoy, they were all like, it's really demeaning when Scott makes us eat the plate of beans to, when we ask for time off. No, they didn't like it. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I've been to a strip club once as part of like a coworker outing when I worked at a company that sold, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Airtime? Like media airtime? I remember that was uncomfortable. I was like in my early twenties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always sad, like I think in theory, I would always get stoked on it, like, yeah, let's go to Cheetah's and like, yeah, the clown room or whatever. And then every time I go, I'm inevitably bummed out because you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's another thing to have to stand and pick up the dollars that are thrown at you. Like, okay, at least give it, that's the part that always made me sad. Like, just fucking hand it to her like a person. She just gave you a nice show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that their, their, their attitude towards them is like, you fucking bitch. Of course. Instead of like, hey, thanks for giving me the titty show. Thank you, nice lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now you're going to say that we, actually that was one of the first times we hung out before we started dating, is we went to a strip club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what happened was I was dating a lawyer at the time, a guy who had


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was, it was near, uh, Tangier, the comedy room that I used to run. And so Tommy, Ryan Sickler, Matt Folchron, who else was there? Other comics. I don't even remember. Maybe like Jay Larson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, come on, we're all gonna, I'm gonna get my boyfriend lap dances cause he just graduated law school. Which just goes to show, uh, how invested I was in that relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, fuck no. Father of my children? No, you don't get any of that. So anyway, we go to the strip club. I don't know what stripper to pick to give him a lab dance. I'm not that. Everybody, all the other comics go, ask Segura, ask Segura. He'll know which girl to pick. He'll know. And I, I was like, really? Tom knows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you, cause there's also the game amongst men where you're picking the lap dance for your buddy, but you have to pick the brokeest. Now, that's what I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you actually don't, you're not enjoying the element of it that I enjoy, which is the, is it sadistic when you hurt somebody else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sadistic element of like, this guy wants me to hurt him. I've got lots of anger. We're a match made in heaven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I could- You could be into this. I could do ball kicking. Uh, fart videos is another one. I feel like I'm already doing them. Why not profit? Easy peasy, easy money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Christina, you're into that. I'm not into it. We don't practice it in our personal life. But if some guy were like, I'll pay you. This is, by the way, a fantasy that exists outside of me being a wife and a mother and being who I am today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like, but yea, if some dude was like, I got this amount of scratch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like five grand. Five grand? Hey. That's a lot of money. I'm a hot commodity. I'm not your fucking broken down stripper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause here's what you're gonna get with me. You're gonna get pure rage, I'm gonna dress up nice, I'm gonna really put my heart into it, like I'm gonna come-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could, I know I could, cause I know it brings some joy. Is it a hatred for men? No. No, it's no. I think it's cause I have a grea- I, I, when I took a, you know, kung fu in the park and stuff, I like punching, I'm very angry inside. And I like to, you know, get it out. To be a cathartic person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do Pilates now. Comedy, stand-up comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pitch. I love a sales pitch, and I gotta say, it's kind of sexist and unfair in our society that, you know, gay men can throw this pitch out. We have another famous clip we play where this guy is like, hey man, you wanna come over here, you wanna piss on me, beat me, try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want free rent? Like he just throws it out there and it works for gay guys. Why can't it work for straight guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like this is a new era. Maybe he has some takers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The list is depressing. It's a rap where she puts her price list out there and what you get for the money and it was like, that's it. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's like 20 bucks for the blow job and the hand job. You're like, jeez man. You know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] $20, but how excited would she be for that free weed, free alcohol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so, it has to have worked for him at some point, where he just throws it out there and some, and then what woman's gonna be like, I'd like to, in front of everybody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the same hole. Yes. Well, how do three dicks get in one eye? She's right. How do three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then that nice moment you said when, uh, you go, and then I look down and all this shit just came out of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was a magical moment. You go, when he recaps to me, he's like, I saw the head come out and then the body, and then a bunch of shit just came out of you. It's like, how romantic, Thomas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I imagine. Did you know you didn't notice that part? Where it was like... No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't fast for me either because I think I couldn't push him out enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the problem there, like, keep pushing. I'm like, bitch, I am. And then she's like, do you want a mirror? I was like, fuck no, I don't want a fucking mirror. Yeah, I turned down the mirror too. Fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I just kept pushing and pushing and that's when the scissors came out. And that's when Tom goes, because I saw the scissors come out and I looked away right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's smart. And you didn't feel bad at all, right? No. And she's like, when she was sewing me up and talking to me afterwards and then she's like, hey, I'm going to put my finger in your rectum to make sure there's two holes. And I was like, yeah, I don't give a shit. Put your arm in there. I don't feel anything right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you shit when you were in labor? Cause I, I remember when I first started going to labor, like that's what happens. Everything just comes out of you. Cause you're, it's like your body's way of cleaning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do think you have a good point, Tommy. It's the organic happening. It's like you're not trying to make it happen and then you're surprised when it does. That's the true essence of the double pipe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I have a single friend who's on these apps and he sends me screen grabs of these complete animals. It's like a lot of swingers, a lot of women, they're like, my husband and I want to play. I'm like, that sounds real dicey, man, to show up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let us know. Remember Ashley Madison? Is that still around?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate her, I just heard her listen to it today. It's a hair thing? Yeaah. It's like a home hair dye kit for women. It's nice and easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You understand, this guy's- Do you care? I, I- Listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I stopped, he broke me down 14 years ago. I've been so broken down by this man. First of all,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't put this bar in my ass because I don't see the, there's no need. I put it on my hand and then I use my hand. That's enough for me, but I don't have hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just so used to it. Does Daniel not do anything horrendous like this to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that, but yeah, but Allison, it's not, I don't know if it's so much a function of sweetness or that he's such a pig. No, not checked out, but he's so at home with himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the horking and the blowing snot rockets and the ass spreads that to him the bar is so low in terms of what grosses him out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you don't like it when I talk to you through the door. I feel like you don't, you want your alone time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We knew a couple that one would be taking a dump and the other one would be eating her morning bagel and talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what bothers me about the eating of the bagel? It's just that you're eating in a room where there's shit flecks everywhere in the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll find it. I think we will. I feel like we've gotten close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we saw a lot of houses like that too, with that kitchen. It was when LJ was a baby, we'd go house searching. I remember one house we went into, it was so sad looking, and Ella started crying. Like right away, we were like, we gotta go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just so impressed with anybody that writes a book, Allison. I know, it's amazing. You're so amazing. Thank you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Am I wrong here? I don't think that phrase has ever come out of her mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People who scream out, fuck, don't usually go, that's well done. That's true. Yeah. She is something else actually. Annie Woven, the rub rub guy, and the try it out guy, and the trans Canada highway. That's killer, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so much, uhm, kind of exciting phone call we're going to make here in a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's possible. Let's try again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have all these things, uh, mixed together. I don't remember what our opening clip was yesterday. Do you remember? That was the porn lady, the porn freaks lady, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there are people who miss their loved ones now that they're dead. It's super violent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was really bad. I mean, in that regard, I enjoyed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they filmed in, uh, New Mexico.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, it's just because it would be so unpredictable, like the cartel gets wind of it and then they're like, does the movie make us look bad? Let's just kill everybody making the movie. Yeaah. It's not good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not good, Jean. Don't say marijuana, that's racist. Do not say marijuana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, pretty time. Different circumstances. Pretty time, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very time consuming. Yeah, we tried to help that guy who wrote and he said he's been getting him circumstances ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's been running 50 left, 50 right, 50 up, 50 down, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's get into it. Let's make our call. We got a lot to do here. We got a great guest coming too. We sure do. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this guy goes by the name Daylight, widely known as the Goat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well he's a rapper and it says here he's, you know, very controversial, entertaining, started to bring some extra flair and gimmicks along to his, uh, you know, his style and, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says that he's being judged on the amount of views instead of the content. He kept saying that people were being judged by that instead of the content of their bars. Uhm, he claims to be a Grape Street Crip. He's a tattoo on his face inspired by that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know they get a lot of times tattooed like on their foreheads and under their eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I don't know. So anyways, he, you know, he's apparently big as a battle rapper, and uh, he did this interview with VladTV. We played interviews with VladTV before, but it just gets you as your own woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's from Brooklyn, she's Puerto Rican and Dominican. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants a friend that will also have sex with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That looks like not such a great tat of the hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I like the message of what he's saying is that, don't send me some model.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. Maybe he wants someone lost in transition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a super cut of all his uh, you feel that? Pretty bushy buff. You feel it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TLC's Lost in Transition is fascinating. I know, I'm on board. You're jumping into people's lives where they're in, it's not like they just started dating, they're married, they have children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're pregnant and then one of them's like, I am transgender and you watch them go through the transition. I cannot stop watching the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just had that realization after the last episode. He's like, I probably shouldn't have done this. Uhm, I probably should have kept portraying myself male at the gun shop that fired me. Right. Yeah, probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one, oh, the other thing is hilarious. There's one couple where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The man's like 50 and the woman's let's say 62. Oh yea, they're great. She's really funny. She can only talk about how much she loves sex every single time. And that's her main concern. She's been married to this guy for like 13 years. She's like, he's loved my life. I don't want to lose him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Transitioning to a woman, I like sex. I gotta have sex. I'm a very sexual person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, you know, they cut away, they showed another story, cut back. I just love men. I love penis. I love the way a man feels. And then they cut away. The next time the interviewer was like, I just, I gotta know, I gotta know I gotta be able to keep having sex. I don't care what he does. Then she comes to the realization that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, I can accept you being a woman as long as you can still fuck because I still need to have that sex all the time. I've never seen a 63 year old woman talk like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess being, you never think of like a woman, 60 something, who's like, I'll go with you anywhere, as long as you'll fuck me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not, not, most women, come on, are not like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not assuming that there's no sex going on at her age. I'm saying she is hypersexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, fuckin' life's about surprises. I would still pump you with a strap on, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he like sits with his legs, cross, and he does these gestures that are very fluid. Yeah, very non-binary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he, uhm, yeaah, I think he could pull it off. And then Burt, cause Burt would just embrace it and be like, I'm a lady now. He would have like the craziest makeup and yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he would shave it, but he's, he's so, he's a grouchy old, you know, junkyard dog. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well can I, can I spill the beans on the surprise now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you listened last week, you know that uhm, I had a little online trouble with a certain, certain individual out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. How old is he? Very much a man. He seems young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might be young and we're about to find out because we're about to jump on the phone with him. So let me get, uh, daddy long neck on the phone. I'm so excited. Hold on a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, Lokes likes to fight. This guy was threatening a fight, and I think it just makes sense. Like, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, and they talk shit, they both were threatening fights, and I gotta imagine they're probably close to the same weight class, they have the same type of build. I'm not sure, but I'm gonna find out. Right now. Let's see. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for, uh, thanks for jumping on the call. Uhm, we're really excited to talk to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were, uhm, you know, we were interacting. You kinda called me out, uh, because we talked about you on the podcast. And then, I kind of, I feel like walks you into the world of crazy locs. It's locs, by the way, not locs, crazy locs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. So, would you actually fight him if he wanted to fight though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know that he trains a lot. Like he's always at the gym training. Do you feel like you could, you know, battle with somebody who's training all the time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely feel that. Give me your stats just so I know. How tall are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's right, that's right. So you're 5'3", and what do you weigh? Like, 120, 30?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just about. So maybe just under. Okay. So uhm, have you lived your whole life in Flint?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay, now I noticed you, uhm, you really embrace...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fact that you have the long neck, I mean, it's in your handle. You go by daddy long neck or damn long neck. Um, what's the story? Is it just, is there anything medical or is it just that you have a long neck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being embarrassed or, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deflecting, you embrace it. So you say like rub lotion on my neck, check out my neck like you are actually highlighting it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you should definitely hit her up and follow through on that. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how, was my theory correct? Does the fact that you have the long neck, does it, you have a very distinct voice. Like it's very distinct. Does your neck length have anything to do with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so the surgery kinda did have an effect on it. I got you. Uhm, so what's a typical, like, so you live in Flint, did you go to school there? Like, did you go to high school there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh good for you. Good for you. And then, uh, you'll go to school and do you work? Do you live at home?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel you. I definitely feel you. Uhm, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so do me a favor, you know, if you want to get something going with Crazy Lokes, we're really behind it. I feel like you guys could make it a lot of fun. I think you should make videos and target


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's something that the world would want to see. I think you guys would really, really excite people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah man, this is right now, we're recording, this is uh, this is gonna be on the podcast in a couple weeks. It'll be out in a couple weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Yep. We'll put it out there. Thanks a lot, brother. Thanks for your time, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does, yeaah, he's like him trying to inspire people. He's definitely having fun.