[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I mean, yeaah, that's very funny to do it. Like you, sometimes when you try to go, let's make it obvious. But the thing is, it's like, yeaah, you can't even get to know them. You're like, that's what makes people want to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they're like, well I want to go cause you can't go there. That's funny. You know who lived in Nome? Sid Finch. Oh, he's from there. Did you know that? I heard that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this P, P Moss? I, I, I went to, I grew up, uh, with Patrick Moss. We went to West Kentucky together. I'm not sure if this is him. P Moss, he's Mr. Everything. Played football for, I believe Nashville Christian and was the, I mean, quarterback running back, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he kicked as well as the punter. They didn't have a lot of people on the team. They didn't. He was always, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was an article, he's called Mr. Everything, and I would call him that every day. Every time I still talk to him, I go, Mr. Everything, what can he not do? He can do everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100,000 babies born every minute would be 144 million babies a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this doesn't necessarily sound like Patrick, my Patrick Paul, so I don't think he's going to be looking this stuff up. At that rate, it would take roughly 53 days to produce 7.59 billion human beings, as many as are currently on earth. Nick, Nate, Aaron, bright eyes, love the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I was right on this baby thing. You guys are lunatics. Yeah. In hindsight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a population. No, no, a day, a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's stick with, how many think you're dying a minute? How many people do you think die a minute? Why? I don't, I don't think 80. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] John Whitebread, 100,000 babies born a day suggests that each woman of a childbearing age would need to produce about 28 babies a year and roughly 700 over her lifetime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The exponential growth implied by such as birth rate would be positively goofy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] John Whitebread went to- We love your name, Whitebread. Went to Fort Estate, which is Notre Dame's biggest rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that's correct. That's what Nick said this weekend. Notre Dame, Florida State, uh, or last weekend they played. Charlie Ward. He goes, it's a big rivalry game for us. Notre Dame, Florida State. You know everybody that watches the Notre Dame, Florida State rivalry game every year. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] John Whitebread gets it dude. I mean the way he goes, the exponential growth applied by such a birth rate would be positively goofy. That's goofy is a wonderful word. You're goofy. Calling something that is goofy. Nick and Aaron's lack of understanding of even basic mathematics. That is good. Is deeply concerning. Wow. You two should be ashamed of yourselves. That is goofy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, no, no. You did alright. I'll let you get one in. The next one, yeaah. Then we're gonna have a talk downstairs. Uh, but no, that was, uh, that is funny. I don't think I paid attention to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ashley Jones, she did. She did, apparently she likes bad comedy. Uh, Jason Fisher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure Barates is relieved Mick is the current punching bag of Nate Lane and is not looking forward to him leaving the show. Correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It happens. Chris Nene. Did they? He did that. He did that? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I woulda said Neenie, I woulda said Neenie I think. Neenie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Nate, I was at your show on September 26th in Oceanport, New Jersey. The one where their fire alarm went off at the beginning of your set. I thought you handled it like a champ, pushing right through and telling us to all completely ignore it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, it got me wondering, what is the most surprising, distracting, obtrusive thing that happened during one of your shows? Love everything about the podcast besides Bread Basket. Thanks and stay safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big fan of the show, love your standup except breadbasket. Alright, I'll get out of here. Good night!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I mean the show, I had another fire alarm go off. I think I talked about it. We were in Seattle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were there with me. That was, uh, two versions. One, well, once the week before, it was back to back weekends, which was crazy. Week before at, uh, where was it? Hunts? Birmingham. What is it called? Stardome. At the stardome, fire alarm goes off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody gets up, we just continue the show. No one bats an eye, not a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show's going on, nothing's happening. So you just kind of talk during it, the police came or the fire department came and they got it shut off and that was it. We never, no one ever left their seats. There was no sense of urgency.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then next week in, uh, Seattle, that, uh, what's that club called? Bellevue in, uh, Bellevue, Washington. Yeah. Uh, I forget. Parlor. The parlor live. Great club. I might have closed. I don't know if it's closed. I think it closed. I think it closed. It was a great club and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we, I'm on stage and I mean, I've got, I'm probably 30 minutes in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fire alarm goes off, this one's in a mall, so they, we all have to leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So during the show, I'm now, I went from on stage to walking downstairs with the audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Single file, Jerry. Single file. I didn't want to go all the way. I think, I don't think we actually went all the way down. We did go all the way down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went all the way down, we stood outside with everybody, went back upstairs and did the show again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then I had to come back and do 20, 25 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, just a fire alarm, but it's, but you, there's no. It was just a great time to do it on a Saturday night. Like let's just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brutal. And then you have to go back up and do time, which is, you know, just such a weird thing to get back into the jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had some car alarms this weekend. Car alarms went off. Trains. Trains. Yea, I had a couple car alarms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Close. It's crazy. Uh, yeah, we had, the car alarm went off. Oh yeah. There's a funny line in the morning this weekend. Yeah. Uh, we're probably, hopefully better post it. I post, we're posting the one, the first fire alarm that went off in, uh, Butler PA. And then, so I had a joke about that. And so I think that's posting this week on my social. Nicole Patterson. I went to high school with a kid named John Doe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was pronounced like doe. So she was John D.O. Dude. He was pronounced like doe. Yeah. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's almost like to be a good trick. He just spells it a little bit off because it's pronounced Doe. John Doe. John Doe. Uh, Dustin, that's great. Dustin Bogger. Boger. Bojer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, Brian. Finally, someone on the show said what everyone's listening already knew. Aaron really isn't that smart. Brian actually said Aaron isn't a genius. That's right. He's just smarter than us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even that gives Aaron too much credit. Once an episode, he knows something Nate and Brian do not. Every episode Aaron shows how little he knows by displaying his difficulty in grasping simple topics. I love everyone on the show and what you're all doing. I hope Nick just moves in and stays on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he might. Til's not a, Til's gonna divorce Nick and then he's gonna be living here with us. Uh, yeah, that makes sense, man. You're, you're, you're like a, we can't, the delicate genius. What is that from? Uh, Seinfeld. Seinfeld, yeah. We can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disturb the delicate, the delicate genius. Aaron's so much smarter, but he doesn't know how to just walk around everyday life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what this person gets. Justin and, well, he's saying he's not smarter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm saying that I still think he's smart, but like he's, yeah, it's that he's, he can't grasp simple topics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not bringing the full on. He always holds back a little bit. He's like a golfer when they said you ever swing full speed, they go never do full speed. Justin Johnson said I've never swung full speed. 85% is the most. We only get 85% of air. He won't give us the full hunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, lewisettaps, when bubblegum says Colorado instead of Colorado. Colorado. I noticed that too. Yeah, Colorado.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say some words wrong as well. Uh, yeaah, that's real southern. Yeaah. Colorado. There's another one that's super southern. My dad says it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I can't think of them right now. There's uh, Tornada. Tornada? Yeah, there's a tornado coming. Tornado. Erin would say tornado. I imagine your family said tornado. When Alabama, were y'all, you know, were you shunned? Yeah, were you, like, did you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause your brother went to, went to Notre Dame too. And your dad? My older brother, my older sister and my dad. Every your whole family went to Notre Dame. My younger brother did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you're, I mean, Purdue, it's unbelievable that, that's an unbelievably hard school to get into too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if you can get into Purdue, you can get into Notre Dame, right? Purdue's, uh, I don't know. I don't know. You know, you can't, you can't. I don't know. It's a good engineering school. I like that you're, so if you are making fun of, uh, I knew it was an engineering school, but if you're, if you're making fun of your brother for being dumb, I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Went to an actual university. Do you know how stupid everybody else would feel? Be like, I couldn't even get into a community college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And y'all are like, oh, here comes the Purdue. Do you know anything? And then y'all, what do y'all talk about it around the dinner table? True science stuff. Y'all do like how to cut a turkey angle wise. Y'all do it like a perfect way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you call your dad father? Do you say father and mother? Nah, I say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that face. Look at that face. Nate questions this. We didn't. I drove to your parents house. Does that mean it's gonna be just, it's just like a, is it a house that's like an architect? It's like glass. It's like the one that sticks out. That's like glass and you're like, his dad's an architect. That's the house he tried out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, yeaah, we're getting down to the bottom of it. I mean, everybody's the smartest human being on earth. And you're, uh, alright, we're, uh, you know Dostri.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Nick says unbelievable way more than Nate does. Also, this is the only episode where the term unbelievable would be used appropriately and almost never is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like that. You say unbelievable a lot. You brought some unbelievable to it. I say it a ton. Try not to say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the time. Y'all got in me a head. In me head. And I'm trying to not say, I'm doing that with a like too. I say like a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kendra L. Hi folks. When balloon boy happened, I was at work and we had the TV on and after about five minutes of watching, I stood up, said it was totally fake and walked out of the room. My boss told me I was a heartless monster and said we should all be praying for you, this poor kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was awkward for him in the end. Anyway, love this show and very much looking forward to hearing what you, Aaron, Booklet, and Mick are generally confused about in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're Mick now. I love it. Uh. It's stuck. It's stuck, it's in. Mick!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then yeah, that's, I love that too. Like to say it's fake and then it's not. That's great. That's great. You are heartless. Heartless monster. That is a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's getting after it. Two more. CJ, it's been three weeks since I've mentioned this and Nate is still not following Aaron on Twitter. What did you do, Aaron?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Follow, I think I'll follow you on Instagram, I'll follow you on Twitter. I don't have Twitter on my phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, here we go, we lead into it. Uh, well, we are going to do, so this week we are going to do urban, uh, some urban legends and just scary stories, you know, little, even though it's two weeks for Halloween stuff. And then next week, uh, we will be playing a show that we, uh, uh, one that we already taped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that is about Bigfoot. We actually brought a guest in and talked a lot about Bigfoot and, uh, it's a fun episode. And so next-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Bigfoot, the actual Bigfoot came in. He was, he said, I would love, I'd love to do it. The guy from that museum that's seven feet tall. Yeah. And so next, because next week I will be in, uh, Los Angeles taping my special, uh, on the 29th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I will be gone from, I won't be back until, so the next one we record will be November where we have comments. Next week won't have comments, but next week's a new episode of Bigfoot. It's a good one. It was a good episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So leave them. So alright, let's get started with these urban legends. That's a lot of comments right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The long one. Uh, so alright, let's talk about some urban legends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We watched, uh, we were talking about Halloween. She said there's one on Halloween. Uh, one of the coolest things we have done on this tour. I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, uh, we watched Halloween 1 on the drive-in, and that's where we took that big bag of popcorn, and where was it? This was the Louisville one, the Louisville one, you remember the name of that? Sourbeck family. Sourbeck family. Drive-in. Awesome, awesome. They were cool. Great family, we met his whole family, and they, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, he goes, y'all wanna watch a movie? And we're like, and we played Halloween. It was kinda cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have, we have some chairs, we set chairs out just in a gravel parking lot by ourselves and had a little radio and we watched the movie just sitting alone. I mean, it was one of the coolest things that I've got to do since doing comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing but woods and trees around us. And there, and we see a, it's a cop car or a security car that's got that light and he's shining it spotlight, spotlight looking into the trees. Pretty scary. Pretty scary to be, we're watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A show that, Halloween where the guy is shining lights and it was, you know, it was something, yea it was pretty wild. It definitely added to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and it was, cause like that's what we're doing. So we're, if we're spending the night at all these drive-ins, you know, we're on these tour buses and we usually leave Ricky, our bus driver, uh, usually comes, you know, anywhere from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Depending on how long the drive is, 2 to 5 a.m. and then we go to sleep on the bus and you wake up in the next town. So you, I mean, we get kind of locked in the drive in and we're just kind of there all night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these drive-ins by ourselves, so it's been very cool. We watch Halloween, which I think has an urban legend in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he, uh, I think he, he got a pretty, I don't think he played.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he played football, but I didn't think he played in Purdue. I thought he went to, uh, small- Purdue is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I, uh, what are we looking up? Oh, Jim Gavin played football at Purdue. Was it Indiana?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Georgetown. Now Georgetown is far from... Look at that picture. See that picture on the bottom left? Oh yeah. Oh, Purdue. So he did make the Purdue team. Wow. That's pretty cool. Oh, that's fun. Oh well. Oh well. Alright, yeah, we don't have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Michael Myers, that's almost exactly what Michael Myers did. It is. Now, there's some question whether this story is true. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that seems crazy. So they, they accidentally, I mean, dude, there's gotta be, do people even know what was that other documentary we talked about early on where they switched babies or, uh, three identical strangers? Yeah. Yeah. They put them all like how much that was adoption though. But I mean, think about if you have a kid, you actually see the kid born and then you later find out that's not your kid. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think there'd be a great chance everybody would just have to accept, if you go there, you, who knows what baby you're walking out with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you go, and then I think, I imagine the person checks out and then they just grab baby and go, thank you for coming after your baby here. And he goes, is this my baby? And you go, yes, it is. And you say it confidently. And that person walks out and then someone goes, do you think that was the right baby? And you go, I don't, I've never known. I just grabbed babies all day. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if that could happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I mean yea, how do you know? You know, it's not like they're doing something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we branded Harper when she was born. Do it at the beginning. Yeah, just put a big H on her back like she's in a part of a fraternity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do. Yeaah. My dog has a chip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, that's to warm you up. So they start doing it to the human. That's right. That's just to ease you. You get what they're doing. Bill Gates is doing it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so yeaah, but now they, you're, yeaah, they, I mean they put a, when they're born, they put the thing, I think a wristband on their feet or something, you know. But I mean, it could still...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would imagine that I bet you could feel something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're saying, cause we're talking about physically having the baby, so could a mom that delivered the baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're talking about just going and a guy goes, we just had a bunch of puppies. And then you go and go, I feel like that's my puppy. That's my puppy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that is, that is just the one you like the most. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's, I mean, it's not exactly the same. So what if you pick out a different baby? Yes, but I mean, that's not how babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, I think with a baby, yes, I think a mom, I think you could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could slowly, you know, we're animals, so there's gotta be, cause they, uh, there's a lot of real animals that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not crazy to them. Like they, a lot of stuff would start clicking and going, that makes sense. I think that would happen. I think, yeah, you have a, you know, I think a mother has a special, they know there's something inside of them that, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mother intuition? Mother tuition. Mother tuition. Mother tail. How to pay tuition. Montao! Tail!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he, yeaah, like he just, like when he went and actually really saw a kid, he was like, there's just nothing there. I was thinking, you know, Michael Myers, like they, cause when they describe him in there, does he have any emotion? Does he have, you know, he just kills and doesn't feel anything. Where like guys do that, the Ice Man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you said that documentary, there's an HBO, The Hitman. The Hitman. And, uh, he just did not feel anything. He could kill and then just go home and have dinner with his family. And, uh, he just, there was no emotion. No, they don't care. And there's something that's missing. And Michael Myers, there was, you know, something that was missing. Something's missing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Famous mask. It is scary. Who would you rather, uh, encounter? Michael Myers or Jason?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you're like, you gotta encounter one of them, you don't know when you're ever gonna encounter them. I feel like Jason, cause he's always got the chainsaw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was, that, that was the hint that that was a chainsaw. Yes. You can tell he had his chainsaw. Yea, when they put the title and the name. Uh, Jason, I'm not even sure he uses a chainsaw. Maybe he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would cut, I'm going to cut that clip up and just to go, what, they go, what's Mick like? And I'll go, it's like this. Here's what Mick's like. Never seen it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, Jason, those swords, do you want Michael Myers or Jason? Who do you want to encounter? All you're told is you're going to encounter them one day. You never know when.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it doesn't matter. They're seven feet tall and they kill people with anything and everything. They can murder you with their, their hands. So don't, we're not getting into like, they both have the same weapon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they actually, Jason went to space and they still never went to a bank. I mean, that's how far off they went. They go, they put Jason in space and they still, they go, what do we do in a bank? And they go, well, that's not believable. Space would be believable, but bank would not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's the- He could have also been at that wedding. He's not the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think it was on the bus. Yeah, the fat kid on Goonies is a lawyer. He's a lawyer to a lot of comedians. Great guy. I've met with him and like, uh, he's not my lawyer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he was, he was a great dude, but it was funny. I mean, he's a real lawyer and he's like legit lawyer, but it's funny when you go meet with him and you're like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So don't talk about her having two opiates, alright? Well, she, but that's crazy that she has to answer that question. Like that's what's, that's what's insane is like, so then she gets asked, Hey, are you have male and female sex organs? And you'd be like, no, I don't. That's insane to ask me that. Like, well, we have to ask. And you're like, someone just made that up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on the paper and I need to ask, uh, just set the record straight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I can read like, uh, if you know the true ones, read just three headlines, make one true and not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's zero chance. I don't know why you would ever think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy that talked as quietly as he did and just... Why not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe would be a good sniper would just, he's very even kill. Heart rate doesn't change. Changed. Yeah. It just kind of sits there. He's killed a lot of people and now he's just talking to kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's gonna read three. One is real, right? And two are fake. So we gotta guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's what they, yeah, everybody's flashing lights. But that's, so if you ever, if you see someone's headlights off, you know, what do you do? You flash your lights, they'll say, hey, your lights are off. Did someone, did you ever do that driving at night? Yeah. You know that? I do that. So they're saying don't do that. Cause if you did that, that was. They'll turn around and follow you and kill you. Kill you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bloods in the crips and now it's like, yup, they're doing real good. I don't know. They are. Yeah, they are. No, the mafia is probably not like it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The games are, you know, I mean look at cartels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cartel is mafia and gangs. The cartel is thriving. Yea. In Mexico. But I wouldn't call them a gang. Would you call that a gang? A cartel? Yea. Uh, I mean, it's, it's kind of a gang. I don't know if you think it's like gangs are, you know, uh, what's that movie where they had the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I think there's Blood and Crips, but I don't think there's like fun gangs where it's like we've just fist-fought and went home. You know, like the, like in the 50s. Someone's gonna get caught tonight. I think now there's straight up major gangs that can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they're a lot more organized. MS13, like, I think they're even more, they're more organized now than they ever were. Uh, but yeaah. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One's real, the other two are not. I think I know the answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More people lived in the subways, and there's a whole community.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm going, I think I've looked up mole people. They, I think they did an interview. They did a news story about it. That'd be a great documentary. Uh, with mole people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They live in Dardis and they come up and someone goes to the grocery store. There's different levels. There's guys, there's a hierarchy. And so someone's like below that doesn't go up. But so which one was? More people is correct. It's correct. Yeah. So there's a hierarchy of, uh, they go and they live down there and there's people that would go out and go get groceries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's so many different layers. Subway in New York is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eight stories, something like that. It goes way down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the temperature stays the same the whole time. I mean, yeah, it's, are there still, they're still there now, they think. And I think they did an interview. I think they filmed. Yeah. That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I don't think I'll- That's a nightmare. It doesn't make sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's, so right now we're near who knows how many spiders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who knows what's going on up there. That's crazy. One, two, just up there living it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My journey joke, this journey song, uh, where I did that. Guy's in the backseat of your car, he just waits till, what is, yea, what's the different variations?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, neither one of those are true. Correct. Uh, so I had a joke about that. I did it on Comedy Central. Uhm, so we probably couldn't play the clip. There, but they said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I start the car, I always have the song, Don't Stop Believing playing. Cause no one can, everybody loves that song. So even if there was a killer in the back seat, he would just go, it's a pretty good song. Then climb up front and we'd become friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't stop. You know it's relieving. It's not believing. Relieving? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I let you go with it. That's why I kept saying don't suck. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You drink 107 beers, I would say so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, IPAs get too much alcohol in it. If you drink Coors Light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gonna be smashed, but like, you gotta think he's a big dude and works out. Uh, I mean, probably hammer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ten, just pound back, Bud Lights, Chord Lights, Chords Light, just pound them back, you know. Here's a question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smash, I mean, you gotta think that flight, maybe when he did this, cross-country flight now is six hours, right? Uh, so maybe back then, probably 90s, maybe it was even- 34 hours. No, maybe it was seven hours, you know, maybe- They said six in the thing. Oh, okay, so it was six hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No. But I mean, a hundred, a hundred. I think if he's drinking Bud Lights, I think there's guys. I like the idea that he's not, if you asked, is he a big drinker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he would not be, but can then also still do 100 beers. Yeaah. He's like, nah, I've never really drank before, but I did once. I did all my drinking one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Either took acid, or he was at a crazy hangover. But the acid, he threw a perfect game. Look up to David Williston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he threw a no hitter. A perfect game, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, I remember when I worked at Ladies Tables in Chicago at Jake Melnick's and we would, they would talk about, cause the, the levy restaurants, the people that would provide all the food for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Chicago Cubs and the White Sox and they did the rest, it's a big restaurant company and they would talk about like, they would be hanging out with Mark Grace before, like the night before till 3, 4 a.m. and just, just kicking it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then those dudes all roll out of bed at like 2pm and Mark's on first base like, mm, just playing. And you're like, dude, we, he just went to bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, I mean they're professional athletes. So apparently he was drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, Doc threw a no-hitter, and then, what, did he throw a perfect game? Doc Ellis? No, also, he threw his perfect game while drunk, which allows for the arguments he made that is the greatest game ever pitched. No, Doc, no, Doc Ellis was a no-hitter, Dave Wells was a perfect game. Correct, correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was just, I mean, can you imagine? I mean, he had to be technically probably still drunk. It's in his bloodstream, you know, just feeling like you're, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, it's even crazier to go eat. That's the, is it, is it the best game ever pitched because you know, he's always gets to, he talks to the other people. Oh, you do a perfect game. You're in real good shape. I was at one hour sleep and was drunk. I rolled out of bed with one hour sleep and threw a perfect game. Crazy. Crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then, okay. And then, uh, I would imagine a version of this happened. And then it's just been blown out into being like, well, he's got a psych for it. That's what I would imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a lot of people wear, they wear, uh, or people wear, put a piece of wood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the back of her. You know that thing that you, that you think is to put your foot in the shoe? Yea, shoe horn. You're actually supposed to leave it there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't doubt of that. Say that one more time. I don't know where I was at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're leaving it where you put it, where your money comes out. Yeah. And then the needle is like sitting there. The change dispenser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always think that with a cop, when a cop, you know, they always, they wear gloves and they go, do you have a needle or anything on me? But they, they always just dive their hand in their pockets and I'm like, well, if they have a needle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Razor blades. Razor blades. Yeah. If you ever got an apple, they'd put a razor blade in it. And you would throw it. Is that on here? That's never been true though. I remember being terrified. We would have to look through candy. I still think about it. Well, I still look through, we look through Harper's candy. You do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what do you think is in it? I mean, you make sure you're not, you know. What are you looking for? Is there coronavirus in this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're just looking, you just, you know, I don't know. I don't know anything. Is there something that she shouldn't, you know, I don't, is there, whatever. You're just, you're, as a parent, you're going to just go, let me just make sure. You just got cramps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bunch of candy from strangers. Let me peek around. Let me just make sure. I mean they dump it out anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go to good neighborhoods, like go to rich neighborhoods. Like there, you would, we would go, there's a neighborhood, uh, in Nashville we'd go to. And it was like one that notoriously you go there and walk in the candy, you know, it's like full size candy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a dentist across the street from us and he would give, uh, like a toothbrush and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could, I mean, truthfully, what if it was true and you could almost never prove it? No one would ever believe, you know, he could come out and go, no, I'm not. And just keep saying it and no one would ever care. No one would ever believe him that they ever did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know they get caught, I mean maybe they eventually get caught, but even just get caught. I know people try to fake their deaths.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there, you could, you know, it'd be great if you could ever talk to, if you ever saw something where they just, a guy's like, I have had a whole nother life. All these people in the world think I'm dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, and I've lived this life and just no one knows. I think people like, I imagine there's guys that are, they like that feeling. They love just having something else going on. Yeah. You know, and you have something that crazy. Some people like to be on the run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he lived as a separate person, right? For many years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm flaws when you're having fun. Santa Monica.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Tim, uh, he lives there. He lives in Amarillo. There's that house? No, he lives near it. He grew up there. Uh. Tim Gage? Tim, no. Uh, he would always, he opened for John Panet forever. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] K-R-O-M-P. Yep. Yep. That's him. Gotham Comedy Live. So he lived in Amityville. Yeah, he grew up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a very funny comic. Is that in Long Island or in? I don't know, I blanked on his, uh, we're all friends with him. Yes. South shore of Long Island. Yeah, he like grew up near, he grew up in there and like they would see that house as kids and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what they're forced to say. I was saying it on stage and I kinda stopped saying it. What happened? That's a great joke. What is it? Yeah, I don't know if that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well the ghost store, I can tell the ghost store. We, I used to move, uh, I delivered, uh, appliances. You know what, that's the part that actually, so that I can add in somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I delivered, uh, mattresses and we go deliver a house in Belmont, this old part of town, kind of about Belmont, Belmead, I guess, kind of over there near where he lives, a lot of old money. And this is, you know, he's not doing this podcast for the money. He's got a ton of it. And they.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so we, we're delivering it and I'm standing in the, uh, back of the truck and my buddy goes and knocks on the door. And the guy's not coming to the door. He's not answering the door. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, he's like, I don't know what's going on. And I'm in the back of the truck and I can look and I can see inside the window and I'm watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I, the silhouette of the guy just kind of walk around the house. And I mean, it's an obvious silhouette. I'm, I'm looking at the silhouette. I'm going, that's the, I go, the dude's right there, man. That's crazy. Like, I don't know. And we're banging on the door, doorbell. Cause I'm like, there's no way he's not hearing us. He is on the same floor of the door and I'm looking at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm, I'm looking, I'm pointing and I'm looking at him and he goes, all right. He goes, I don't know. And I was like, whatever. Cause I'd always pull the mattress and you deliver it. You always pull it to the end of the truck and you sit there. And this was a twin bed is an easy bed. And so you just wait. And then if he's there, I would bring it to the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we start walking off and the guy comes and he's in a towel and he's like, sorry I was in the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was, I mean in my head I just didn't, I was like whatever, I didn't believe it. And my buddy just, my buddy just went in the house by himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just stayed at the truck cause there was a twin bed. It's easy. He just went up there and he's like, man, this is a cool house. You know, it's an old house. He goes, yeah, it's haunted. He's like, there's a ghost that lives here. I'm surprised you didn't meet him and he's, he's around quite a bit. And so he came back and told me that I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that, I was like, that guy said he was in the shower and he did have a towel on, he was wet, he ran out of the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So obviously this guy was in the shower. And this whole time we're knocking, I'm watching his silhouette walk around the bottom of the house. So uhm, I think that's a ghost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I mean, like, so unless someone's lying, like that's- I know I saw a silhouette. I know that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy was, came out of the shower. Wow. Is that a redumped?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wasn't going to do the whole joke, just in case I do it on stage. So, there's a more, I had something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's, that's the true, the, the true story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a full outfit. I don't think you ever will see just a straight up person in your, in that's like, you feel like you could be, how you doing? Nice to meet you. He's wearing it. I think you see glimpses of it and you're always seeing kind of just glimpses. I don't think you're ever full on just talking to another person. It's not like the sixth person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like this, yeah, where it's a, you know, you have a, yeah, a relationship with, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do y'all have any ghost stories? I don't. No, none personally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scientifically, do you think there's ghosts or do you not believe in it because there's no way science...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know. You remember there was a game like- That's what it gets you in Notre Dame. Open-mindedness. Logical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the British need to step up their game apparently. Yeah. There you go. I think it was the British. Run through these, we need to wrap it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a new one coming. There's a new screen coming? Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I did not know that. I love scream. I have my bowling ball scream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Todd Berry might have been in school. I don't know, when was that? Uh, 1990? Todd Berry might, Todd Berry went to Florida. University of Florida. You'd never think that, right? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, the Shining, I know that's on here. Yeah. Like that's another, uh, I stayed at the hotel where they, it's the outside of the Shining. Yeah. Wow. So the, when the, it's in Mount Hood, it's another joke that I said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On stage, we're going to Oregon. That's when I was on the cab on the way to Oregon. There's a lot of trees. Oregon has a lot of, a lot of trees. I told the cab driver, I go, you guys got a lot of trees out here, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, yeah, I don't, and I was like, it's more than I care for. Like it's, I go, it's an overwhelming amount. And he just didn't know. He was like, okay. And it's, I mean, it's, uh, it is overwhelming when you see how many trees are there where you're, you go, if you got lost in those trees, it's over. You're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's just endless trees that you, as far as you can see, but we stayed in the, at the hotel. It's the outskirts, not a big hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but it's the, the, it's just the outside, outside is what's shot there. And the other, and the inside is, uh, which is funny is when you see the outside of this hotel,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wouldn't, there's no way the hotel is big enough to, you can tell that's not big enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the inside is somewhere else. But the outside, they have DVD players in every room and you can get a copy of The Shining and I watched The Shining in the hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it really got, got ya. I think I was like 18.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, back in my doctorative munchkin. Alright, thank you Jamie Lee for finally setting us straight. Nick Novicki, uh, munchkin hung himself. Thoughts on that? Did it happen? Did it not? Answer the question. I hate asking this question but we have to know for the record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That right there swinging back and forth. I know, but you see him, there's nothing to, then he swings into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 1938, I'd imagine, you're not treated as good as you would be now. Right. Uh, especially if you're being a little person. Yeah. But, yeah, I mean, uh, but it's, yeah, I mean, didn't they do, who came from that movie? Wasn't there some guys, some of the little people ended up doing a bunch of stuff, right? Like they,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're about to see, if you're, if you're listening at home or watching, uh, 30 Minute Baby and there's a ghost in the background.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I missed that. Okay. So, uh, go back. We should have probably not played that whole clip. It was 30 seconds. Yeah. Right there. Can, can people see it at home or no? If they watch on YouTube, they can see it. If, uh, if not, we're show it on, we're posted on Instagram and see if you can notice the baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, look, watch behind the car. So you can see it. Oh, see. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's crazy. It's in the back and there's a curtain and it looks like a little boy or something or a kid and he's standing there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, yeah, I'm a big fan. He's a wonderful, I've heard he's the nicest person ever too. I met him. He is. Yeah. They're, uh, I know Drew did whatever, the last show he was just on. Oh yeah. What is it? The Good Place? The Good Place he was on. Yeah. And he's just like, Ted's just a true joy. Yeah. Just a true, true joy. Uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was just a cardboard cutout. They did it on purpose, just being funnier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but I mean like, so like a haunted house in, you know, that you pay to go to. Yeah, I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well this, this whole conversation, I mean, you've changed my plan. I was like, you ever been to a haunted house? You go, no. And I go, okay. And I go, never even like one of you go, yeah, I've been to one of those and I would love to go tonight. I mean, I went from, I don't think you know what this is, to we now have plans of going to an actual haunted house. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so yeaah, you've been to one. I've been to a few of them. I don't love them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love them in theory. I do love them and I want to go to them. I get so scared of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, it always, the Jason at the, the Jason at the end, that's what would scare me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember we would go, you know, with my dad and, uh, we went to our, my, my dad and our family, family friends at the Dentons and they, we, we all go, we get done with it. I mean, it's, you know, it's an insane, it's outside, it's going through the woods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you get to the Friday the 13th, you know, Jason, there's always a Jason at the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're always going to get you with a chainsaw. That's where Jason and the chainsaw is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I'm sure he had a chance on in the movies, but I think Machete was a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they always have a Jason guy and he'd always have a chainsaw and it was like when you get to the end of it, just do not run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't run and walk, he's just standing next to you with a chainsaw and then you can go about your day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you run, it's, it's over. Like he's chasing you and now it's a problem. And so it was like do not run. It's like being attacked by a crocodile. So they, our dads, Wayne, our dads are both telling us that. They all, they're telling all the kids, all of us kids going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we get there, do not run. If you just walk, he's going to just be next to the chainsaw. If you run, he's going to chase you. So we're all doing it. And then Brandon and, uh, Brandon and Drew, the two other kids, there we go. Okay. Okay. And we get to the end and we're walking and then they.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boom, they're gone, dude. And they just, and then Jason just oosh. And then, so now we have nothing because Jason's now chasing them into the parking lot. And then we ended up finding them in just the back of someone's truck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think there's a few of them at the end. Okay. I'd imagine, depends on where you go. I think they're getting too real now. Uh, like I think some of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're starting to get where they can touch you. I want to see the story because I looked up one time, scariest haunted house. And one, do you stay at it? Do you spend the night at it? I don't think this one you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's where, uh, yeah, my, uh, father-in-law lives in Lawrenceburg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can see something about it on Netflix. I guess. Uh, Dark Tourist, episode eight. I watched the news story on it. I mean, you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you do. No, no, that makes more sense. No one's ever finished it. Would you do this, Nate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean you, you want to, I just don't know. If anybody goes and does this, let us know. If anybody is, if you're listening to this, I would love to talk, if someone goes to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Email us, naitlan and naitbargetzi.com. I mean, if you're, if you're, if you're, especially if you're in Tennessee and you can come and tell us about it, we'll have you on the podcast. And, uh, I'd love to, uh, see what they, you know, to talk to someone about just what, what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Crazy. All right. Aaron just yawned. I'm sorry. Good night. Sorry. We're boring you. He's not wearing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, alright, uh, that is it for this week everybody. Remember next week, uh, we will have the episode that, uh, we already pre-taped. It's a very fun episode, uh, Bigfoot episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so it kind of goes with the Halloween stuff and then we'll be back, uh, with you November 1.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nick will be gone. This is Nick's final episode. This is my, uh, uh, Mick. Thank you, Mick. If Mick's ever back here, obviously he'll always be back on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, yeah, next time I see you, I'll be done. I'll be hopefully done taping the special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'll let you know how that goes. Alright, we love all of you. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I got that NASCAR jacket, so I feel good about my jacket situation now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, I heard it went amazing, man. So I'm excited to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I want to text Nate the day is recourse. I was texting Mike and said, send me some updates. Let me know. He said it went great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People would yell that a lot during the shows. I heard people yell out breakfast and yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you're setting California policy. Yeah, you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember they had a big, long, nice comment at the very end. They're like, Oh, and Brian's not funny or something. Oh, it's about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can see a little bit of it when he washes off his paint brush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I said the yellowness was because of butter and I got attacked for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people wrote in like, I have professional experience with popcorn, and I'll tell you why it's yellow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, big foot is, the foot is singular. If it were, if it were big feet, then I know that were multiple people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I believed in one Santa and there's a Santa in every mall in America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I personally thought Kevin knew enough that I would consider him an expert. I think he was just hesitant to use that description for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, we talked about it in a class one time, we pulled up pictures of what the burns on this woman. Mock trial? No, it wasn't a mock trial. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took, I was a business school in college. Wait, this was in college?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just remember that I had heard that McDonald's hot coffee lawsuit. I had heard that always used as an example of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Frivolous lawsuits. Yeah. Of like, can you believe how crazy these people are trying to get money from McDonald's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's crazy that if you actually look at what happened, this woman was wronged by them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember growing up and you see the label on the coffee cups and you're like, can you believe this is so crazy that we have to write this? I mean that woman, her life changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People don't remember the ending of the story. Follow up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was a kid, when I was a kid, I remember, this is one of my first memories. Yeah. Was I was, went to the store with my mom and I stole a Bubblicious. Yeah. And I just put it in my pocket. I remember I brought it home and I wrote my name on it with a Sharpie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was carrying around in my pocket. I didn't even want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just the thrill of taking it. I didn't even want to chew it. I just kept it in my pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it fell out of my pocket and my mom was like, who got you that? And I was like, oh, my uncle bought it for me. I was like lying. Now you're doubling down. Oh yeah. Lied. So she's like, let's call, call him up. So she called my uncle. He's like, I haven't seen him in years. You know, it's just, the story doesn't even check out. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my dad was like, I remember my dad took me back to the store and I had to return it to the cashier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she probably, it's like probably a cute moment as an adult for a little kid to come back and, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four or five, maybe, maybe, maybe four or five or six.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I just remember saying that somebody got it for me who it didn't make sense at all that this person would have given me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't stolen, I don't steal anything else. That was just that. I got it out early. You know, I stole a 59 cent bubble issues pack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked the devil in the eyes, dude, after that, and I said, not today. Not today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had the, like a card swiper just with them. Yeah. Let me just, boom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking about that stretch right when he crossed the main bridge in the Lickery. Yeah. A year, like a couple of years ago, it's still known as that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people don't understand the relationship between the left and the right lane. I've realized that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How fast do you think you would drive if there were no speed limit? I'm trying to think, I mean, I don't know if I want to go around at 100 miles an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you got other people in your car too, then you got to worry about their comfort. And then you got to be, if it's just me, I don't mind. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some songs. Called some people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not looking at my phone. I'll, I'll peek at it every now and then when I got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're listening. So you think it's like a radio. I don't have my phone on the steering wheel and I'm like looking at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the new iOS has picture in picture now with a lot of apps. So if I'm on Netflix and then I exit out of it and go to maps, the video will pop out. You can just put it right there over the maps. And then you just map it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I just want, I'm, I'm just listening to it. Yeah. But every now and then you want to just look at it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you are stupid when you run out of gas. So I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just picturing every time you see like an intersection in another country, it just looks like chaos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is what I'm thinking. I'm thinking of India. It looks like a million cars going through a market.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And probably the accelerating and all the accelerating burns gas too, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why was there a shortage? How does that work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like what my parents would say to me when they wouldn't let me do stuff. They go, look, we trust you. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. I don't know. Do you know what you know about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, yeah, what do you think about it? I don't, I mean, I don't, I think the bus is so big that they probably crunch the numbers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, it said that there's, there's not really a big risk of kids dying in a bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It probably gives the bus a capacity too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now they can just cram as many kids as they want on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we only have a certain number of seat belts on there, but if there's no seat belts, it's like, dude, put three in a row, four across, dude. Yeah, I don't know if they're doing that. Well, not with COVID, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't feel, I feel sorry for people that live right on the edge of a time zone. I always think about this, that just every day you have to think about which time zone you're in. If you go to work, you're in this time zone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about tobacco, alcohol, everything's just 18. Everything's 18. I mean, that makes sense. Military.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy wants to sell a car. You know, when people, when they were first introducing cars to people,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People used to say, instead of the braking, when they're going too fast, they'd say, whoa, cause they were used to riding on a horse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I get it. What's that? I think that's interesting. Ah, appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Average waste size of Japan. Somebody smaller than ours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cigarettes? They smoke cigarettes? That's the most littered item in the world, cigarette butts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think this is super funny that there's a small town in Texas called Marshall, Texas. It's like 25,000 people. And up until very recently, about a quarter of all the patent lawsuits in the country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're filed in this small Texas town, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] M-multi-multi-million dollar lawsuits are tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and filed in this small town. Yeah. And there's a couple reasons for that. First is they go real quickly through them. But the second reason is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Patterns are very complicated and technical and specific and so you want


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that this town, I mean, I don't even know if they know it or if they care. But all these big companies, because they try cases there all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They invest tons of money. Like there's a big ice skating rink in front of the courthouse that Samsung sponsored cause Samsung gets sued there all the time and they just want the people to like Samsung. And they're hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think the way I've seen it worded is they're like, it's a little bit of less sophisticated jurors. So, and they also just don't really have a concept of how money works. So they'll be like, they decide the settlement numbers. So they're like, ah, 50 million, you know, I don't know. They have no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's, that's the thing. So if I, if I, you know, if I want to sue Brian and my company's based in Nashville, I don't want to try that case in Nashville. Let's say I want to try it, so I'll open up a small little office in Marshall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or I'll create some kind of professional relationship with that city. And that will allow you to file the case in that town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've, they've, they've, uh, tightened those regulations. Like it's harder and harder to do now, but for a while they're like, you know, just open up a little corner office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the small town and then you can file the case there. Super interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do. Yeaah. Yeaah. They get a lot of money coming in because all these big companies and lawyers come into town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the town's going to decide whether this company infringed on a patent or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It used to be, yea, things have kind of changed. It's still a hotbed for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did, yeah, it did change it a little bit, but they're still doing patent lawsuits out there. Just not like they used to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] HBO came out and we're like, it doesn't affect our bottom line at all. Just share it with folks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They said there's no indication that it affects our subscriber rate. So just share it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Share your password. If anything, it'll make, it'll allow people to test it out and then they can get it themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think about these married couples that have like joint email addresses and joint Facebook pages and stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think they just think they're just gonna use it together. I don't know. I mean, I don't, I don't think it's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unlock your phone and everything? Everything. Yeaah. Hear that way, then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would be, and she would never ask me, but I would feel weird if she asked me. Yeah. And I have some friends who like, they said their girlfriends were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me your password. I had a friend whose girlfriend went on his phone and installed her face to be able to unlock the iPhone. And I thought that was insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get that for sure. And my fiance hasn't asked me to do that, but I, but I know people that it's been weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom is still on my bank account because she set it up with me when I was like 13 or 14.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She could put money, she could take money out. We've talked about this. Yeah. They told me I have to go in to the bank that I set it up. When was the last time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that I can think, maybe they did. I can't think of anything. I was on their health insurance. I was 26. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I want to be like everyone, so. Yeah, let's do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The joke he's making is, and I think you said that two straight weeks, it's, the title is I'm telling you for the last time. It's a lot. Oh, it's, oh, oh. Say you had to memorize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy just looked it up on Wikipedia. Somebody pointed out Austin Powers said it. It's not my bag. It's not my bag, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sky has fallen. Well that might be true, but something else has fallen. Olympus has fallen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I don't, I don't know. These poor guys have to sit through us every week just like, God, I just want to tell him. He's finally like, I gotta say it. I just gotta say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do they do it that way or just, I figure some computer that just somehow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so I was driving, we had a rental car, I was driving, and, uh, like he said, it was on like one long stretch. To Altamaro near one road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That goes out. And he's like, oh man, there's a dead horse over there in that, that field. He kind of talked about it a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, got up there and we, I mean, we were just dying, huffing up that mountain. And then there was an older couple that came down and the babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And at the restaurant, they said, I think I maybe got two bits from today. The dead horse we saw and, uh, the lady who said, well, I'm 70 and I, I did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we kind of talked about it a little bit. So let me get back in the car. We're driving back. We, he's, we get close to that dog horse. He's like, I want to show you it's over here. Cause he, you didn't see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, I didn't see it because I was driving, but he's like, slow down, slow down, it's coming up, I know it's right up here, slow down, and we slow down, and the horse is just standing up, eating like a normal horse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, so anyway, so then I thought to myself, well, the dead horse joke's gone, cause that horse ain't dead. And then that night at the club...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He starts telling it, and I was like, why is he telling this dead horse joke?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The horse didn't dead and then he did it the way he did it, which was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kinda, I mean I do a few dollars and... What's the most you've won?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so many of these questions we get to. A lot of people submitted questions this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I couldn't get to everybody, but kinda did combine questions here. First one's from Hazard. He, or I guess it could be a she, asked,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do y'all suggest comics who still haven't reached the quitting your day job phase do to further their careers in comedy during this pandemic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Uh, Grey wants to know, Nate, you mentioned Louis CK giving you feedback on your structure. How do you balance feedback with maintaining your own voice, the spirit of your act?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't personally like getting together writing with other comics because you want it to be your voice and if it's personal stories, it just doesn't work for me. Do you like writing with other comics?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had, I've done corporates where the CEO of the company will come up to me right before I go on stage and say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, yeah. And I'm like, well, it didn't really work quite that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's something I fill out, I'd just put rider.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I mean, if they asked me, uhm, well, I mean, I could say Uber driver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New Channel 5 is certainly going to get questions too though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but now they're just like yelling at me about some story. Why are y'all still doing them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Sonny Collins wants to know, has any of your jokes caused conflict between your spouse or family members when they are the butt of the joke?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any jokes about my wife, I've ran by her ahead of time and she's been fine with all of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom, I have a few jokes about my mom and she's, she likes them. She's, she's fine with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I couldn't do it. Yeaah. Not Derek Thomas wants to know, if someone told you the way you delivered a joke was so funny that it doesn't matter what you say, would that be an insult or a compliment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Justin Burrell, Nate's comedy involves a lot of personal stories. What are comedy rules on how much of a personal story can be made up? Can it all be made up? Or happen to someone else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is a good, do you think, I notice a lot of comics when they first start, myself included, your stories are almost all made up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're kind of outrageous and you can kind of, the crowd might think it's funny, but they know this isn't really true. And then in which you get better, you can make true stories funny to the point where they're like, this is funny because it's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you do well is you share a personal story that's funny in itself and then you do, but what if this had happened? And then you can, even your baseball story about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Home run off a walk. It's very funny just what happened, but then you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That McDonald's story, a new comic might be like, and then my buddy went up there to fight him. There was a guy with his hand in the fryer. Like he would tell it like it's real. And then he'd be like, I don't know if I believe this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris Rutweb, Nate, you talked about the guy at Fallon being a good booker. Can you tell us civilians what a good booker is versus a bad booker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for that matter, without specifically naming out the comedian, what kind of comedians do you think do you guys look at?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like and respect. What do they do or do not do that makes them good to you guys? People in the craft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, and there's any, any, what type of comic do you like, really like and respect? Not specific names, but just, I mean I think you've already kinda touched on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Uh, Kelsey C, do you find that in-person attendance at a live show has suffered since everything is so easily accessible online now? She, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she, she had, there was some more to that. She had been to, she's a huge John Chris fan and she'd watched everything he'd ever done. So then when she goes to the show, she'd already seen a lot of the material. So she said she was, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's her, she's basically saying if you're a huge fan of someone, if you watched everything they've ever done online, is it hard as a comic when people already know


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's the most famous person who's ever attended one of your shows? Did you know they were there on stage? And if so, were you nervous?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you guys did a show with in front of Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman. That's true. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry. I thought you were trying to think of somebody. I was like, let Aaron speak while you were thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if she'd like me. Mine would be, uh, Belmont basketball coach Rick Byrd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in the stage one night and I saw him out there and I got nervous. No one knows who that is, but just, but I'm locally, I'm a big fan. You're a Hall of Fame coach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was at Zany's last week and Monty Mitchell said that was his favorite story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, let's stop bombing. Let's, let's share some good, uh. Is this it? We're wrapping it up with this, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got some more, we'll come back. You got some good friends, bombing story. What's one for you, Aaron? Or have you ever bombed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's, there's those types of shows. There's terrible, terrible, like bar shows, but then you're kind of like, well, I never really had a chance. Yeah. Right. And then there's those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a show Friday night for some college kids in auditorium and they're all wearing masks. There's a hundred kids in a thousand seat auditorium and I'm 48.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most tell I guess is when I got, uh, hired to do a show in my hometown of Lebanon, Tennessee, and it was the only reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In retrospect, why would I agree to do such a terrible show? It's because I knew the guys who asked me to do it, so I think I got...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blinded by that and just didn't want to say no. It was for the Wilson County Livestock Association.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Future farmers go to college and stuff like that. And they said, we're going to do this, uh, auction and we'd love it if you donate some CDs to auction off. And I said, sure. And then they went, we'd love for you to come and induce perform for us. And I said, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I call my mom, my mom doesn't, she can't drive to Nashville or see me. She rarely gets to see me perform. I said, mom, I'm coming home to do a show for the Wilson County livestock association. I'll come pick you up and take you to the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she called our friends and our family and, and. Pretty dressed nice. Uh, yeah, just had, I mean, it was a big deal. She was very excited. So I go pick up my mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's at the, uh, Wilson County Fairgrounds in a picnic pavilion. So it's outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's about 5 o'clock in the afternoon in the summertime, so it is 90 degrees outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me, I just sit down on the, I just stood down on the floor. The guy who went up before me was from the county property assessor's office talking about proposed tax increase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, which I thought, well, at least they'll like me better than the guys talking about tax increase, which.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was dead wrong. I get up there and I mean, they just, there's these huge fans blowing cause it's outside, it's 90 degrees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I say, at least with the fans, it helped keep the tears in my eyes. They would come out and just boil back in. And I mean, I just bombed and I bombed and I bombed a couple of times. I would make eye contact with my mom. And I mean, it's the worst thing ever because, oh gosh, she is now just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She disassociated herself with me. She's worried. She is, she's the one that's worried. I mean, we both had the look on our face and I bombed so bad and it just, nothing's working. And I'm trying to do crowd work and I'm just digging myself deeper in a hole. Cause I'm talking about farm stuff. I have no idea what I'm talking about. So finally I just have to get done and just like, thanks guys. I'm done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know how you go like hide in the green room and you just, or whatever. There's nowhere to hide. There is no green room. They're all at picnic. I just have to sit back down and I have to have them like scoot over so I can like them and just sit down between guys that just hated me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. So now they're starting an auction and the guys do with auctioneers up there and they're bidding on bags of feed and, and, uh, just all this stuff, farm, farm stuff. And they're into it. I mean, they're going at it and I don't care. I'm so, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're, they're bidding and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And horses. It's exciting. Like the grandpa, as I remember, was a live cat, like a heifer. That's what they, you know, and a live cattle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, it wasn't, it wasn't there, but the winner was going to get a donated cow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care. I'm just so happy no one's focused on me. I just, I kind of have my head down, you know, just kind of like maybe pretend like I'm eating or whatever. And then he goes, all right, now we're going to bid on the CD from the comedian you saw. And he gets quiet again. I mean, silent. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I just want to hide so bad. And no one will bid on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, no, no, my mom was, I looked at her, she was like, I did not want to buy the CD.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was, it was, it was painful. That was basically it. I had a, it's over. I just want to get out of there. My mom's at a different picnic table talking to people. So I can't immediately get out. I just remember it was the worst night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The second time the guy who hired me to do the show, he just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Took the CD just to be nice. I mean, nobody wanted it. I don't even think they knew. I think they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About him getting off stage and didn't want to go back out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Vommie's stories so much. Even if it's, I mean, if it's me, the story about the guy who performed at the funeral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's mostly just audio. I've got a little bit of video, but we won't be putting that out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might be at my middle age, but I don't think I'm middle aged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are only four words in English language that start with D W. Wow. Can you name them? This is a secret. Well, I can't name dwarf. We've already established that one. There you go. Dwindle. Dwayne. Uh, Dwayne. Come on. Dwells. That's a proper noun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are they two different animals? An opossum and a possum? No, there is no possum. It's just an opossum. Like the possum that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I remember correctly, I think what we objected to was just the word rehoming. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So just to be clear, anybody that saw Nicholas Butcher and thought, none of us thought to guess Nicholas. That's why. It's because he was spelled with an E instead of an A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's going to be a surprise for us too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I mean, maybe there's eggs in the dough, but I can't think of it. It's like sugar. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it'd have to be its own thing. It couldn't be an episode because it's not going to be, I'm not going to be able to talk during it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we do it, just let me know ahead of time. I don't want to show up and see a bunch of boxes. I said I could eat 36 and then I regretted it pretty quickly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, like we're at any given time we're ready. Let's go. How many would you eat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think more said vessels captured. So yeah, who knows how big those ships are, but maybe that's why Bartholomew Roberts wasn't called Black Bart because he already had a black beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grog is a drink made with rum and water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I always think Pirates of the Caribbean, there's that famous scene where he's drinking a bunch of rum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is crazy. I mean, there's no international, there's no police for the international waters. I mean, see, once you're out there, it's just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I thought pirates would be burying stuff a lot more often. If they can't use banks, they can't, if it's all, you know, illegitimate money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How common are fights and then how common are fights that transition to a different level of the ship? I'd be like, can we just stay up here? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just funny to hear flights out of scourging, it's flogging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That surprises me. They don't let pirates camp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now remember this is, this is Bartholomew Roberts. This is his code. This guy is like the Michael Jordan of pirates, right? This clearly worked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're pirates, but we're professional. He has a lot of rules. He's got a job to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much is being transported on boats these days? I mean, obviously back in the 1700s that's how almost everything was being transported.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you start to commit little small, small crimes and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's a big one in Tampa too. I was in Tampa. They have like a Mardi Gras for pirates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just go everything. Calling yourself a buccaneer is like calling yourself a humorist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, come on, we're pirates. The progressive woke pirate ship. This is Blackbeard's Jolly Roger flag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be 96? I mean, it's further away from a fever, right? So that's gotta be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think 93 is your- What's the lowest? That's a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that wasn't just his natural body temperature. That's something happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you were .1 degrees hotter than I was. I don't know if you're much safer than I am, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cry more than I'm, more than I'm proud of. But I do it very privately. I get into movies, TV shows. I'll cry. When was the last time you cried? Oh dude, probably two nights ago. Watching, uh, Contagion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just more emotional about stuff over the years. You get sentimental about stuff that you were never sentimental about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think one of us cries, we'll have to have a discussion. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember, I was the, I was the, the computer guy at my elementary school when I was in first grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when the school started using the internet and I remember I got called out of class by another teacher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it brought me into the classroom and she had typed out a URL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Netscape, the browser they were using. And she goes, okay, I got it typed out. How do I make it go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you would, you would record stuff with like a VHS tape, right? From TV. Yeaah. So it's the same principle, but it's just not a VHS tape, it's just a hard drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now if somebody explained it, I mean I don't know what any of the terms, dynamoid, cart, you know what I'm talking about? You know the words?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, man. You did? That was my big adventure. To go do that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right outside of Nissan stadium, they have a big parking lot set up and it's this huge drive through. They got cones. It's this huge. It was, I was actually really impressed with, I expected it to just be a nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, it took about two hours, but you just drive up, you don't have to sign up, you don't have to pay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, did it hurt? It did, it did hurt pretty, pretty bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's like a, it's like a little straw, a really thin straw. They shove up your nose and then they twist it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they go pretty far. You don't know how far you can go up your nose until somebody does that. They go up pretty high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was trying, the whole time, so there's like three checkpoints when you pull up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, it took like two hours total, but like 30 minutes into it, a guy stops you. He takes all your information.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, like 30 minutes later, another guy stops you, verifies all your information. And then like 45 minutes later, you get to where they do the actual test.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like we're the 900th car maybe to come through that day and it was like noon. Yeah. So I was thinking the whole time, like when I waited tables, I was obsessed with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The small talk. Yea. Like, there's like three jokes that people make. Yea. At a restaurant. Yea. You know, like. What are they?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bad. So like I bomb real bad. And then, then you gotta wait, didn't get 30 minutes before your next checkpoint. So I was thinking I gotta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So the last guy, he's got, he's doing the actual test, right? So we're a little nervous because we've heard that it hurts. So the guy, I rolled out the window.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he walks up and he goes, just to let you know, it's going to be a little bit of discomfort. And I go, dude, I heard it feels really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To try to get, he gave me, he gave me one of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was so over it. So I bombed real bad and uh, but that was my big adventure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Took me about a week. I found out yesterday that uh, I don't have it by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you can go to like a Walgreens or something and I think they can do those there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, based on how that story did just now, probably not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If she was having symptoms, I would have found, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How to stay away from her but i had a few days in between like by the time i got back in the town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From everything I read, she would have started to have symptoms by then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many, scroll down on the right, let's see how many, how many cases per year this is. Fewer than 200,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This sounds like somebody trying to get every fact wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I can't remember if it's like a species or a person, but, uh, but he's got, he's got a weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only bird that could lay down like that, right? Don't owls have flat faces?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who says his head's too heavy to hold up? That doesn't explain why it's face down in the dirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. I think they can do it all the way, like the exorcist, like they could just... See if owls can get chicken puffs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? There's, there's literally, I, I'm, the more I think about it, the more I think that that owl is dead in that picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, hold on, go back to the tweet of the picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, have you verified that this is a sleeping owl? Of course not. With anybody else? No, I did not, uh. Has anybody called you out about it in the comments? Probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you tell her that they were, like, did you just tell her, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be, I'll read a book and I'll realize I haven't been paying attention the last five pages. Like I've been reading it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been, I've read a lot of books where I don't get a bookmark. And I just, for the life of me, can't find where I left off, so I just give up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does harry pot when i read the harry potter books i would i would read those whole books in one sitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would sit down and read it in like seven, eight hours. Wow. And just be done with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why didn't I do when it's just me? Yeah, I'll, I'll crank it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'd rather people do that than you get in the car and the music is so low. It's like, why even, I can't even enjoy this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You know what I mean? You know, those people turning up like the, like the two. Yeah. And then I mean, I can barely tell what song this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, don't fear the reaper, don't fear the grim reaper. Oh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't know if they were, they didn't take to the streets or anything, but I think people are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's just known that that's kind of a dark song. It's about the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause the cowbell and everything. Yeah. Saturday at life that, uh, they really changed that song. I feel like if that sketch hadn't come out, maybe people would feel differently about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many of those could I eat? I don't know. Not, not a lot. Those are, those are pretty heavy. That's, that's like, that's a cake donut. A Krispy Kreme glazed donut is probably, probably 80% air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, well, not if the, if it's about speed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And even the hot dog eating championship, like, they're never placing, they're not doing well, but there are some fat guys up there that are like the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could eat, I could eat a dozen without even thinking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I could add two dozen, it's gonna start to, I'm gonna start to feel it a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would try it. It's like, you know, I would try it for the science of it, just to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now am I, now can we talk, can we set some rules? Can I, can I leave in the middle of this or is it in one sitting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would get at least 24. If I got less than 24, I would be upset with myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll see what I can get through. Okay. That would make me feel better about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna get in on this action, bruh? I'll do chocolate. Oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll crush up some, uh, crush up some pills, put them in the glaze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course I am. So a year and a half ago, I released my very first, well book baby. They call it a debut. A day, a day butt. A debut. It's a debut! A debut! Uh, it was The Butcher and the Wren, and you guys made my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So fucking excited to announce there will be a sequel!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Party! A sequel called The Butcher Game and it's coming out September 17th. I'm quite literally so excited I'm gonna die. So close, we're so close to it. Sorry, it's ready to go. Ready to go, it's gonna be out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me, so the butcher game picks up right where the butcher and the wren left off, so if you have not read the butcher and the wren yet, what are you doing? Oh my god. Go get it. Get it. Go read it, go listen to it, go do something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna spoil it. So stop listening now if you have not read that book, go read it and then come back to me, okay? Thank you. But also go get the sequel on September 17th.