[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. So then I come back in this black chick's piss and I go, what happened? And my friend Tiffy goes, Sarah touched her hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, add the dun dun dunnnn. Cause she did. You never touch a black woman's hair. She did one of these. On mushrooms. I could see you doing it friendly. She did one of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I'm so sorry that my- I was like, I'm so sorry that my- I was like, I'm so sorry that my- I was like, I'm so sorry that my- I was like, I'm so sorry that my- I was like, I'm so sorry that my- I was like, I'm so sorry that my- I was like, I'm so sorry that my- I was like, I'm so sorry that my- I was like, I'm so sorry that my- I was like, I'm so sorry that my- I was like, I'm so sorry that my-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got into a fight with a waitress at the casino. Taring skink that's in front of fans and it looked like I was being a bitch to like waitstaff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a hard tea there, sister. She deserves it. I'm playing craps. Mining in my own business. High on acid. 4am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her fucking clout ass goes straight over to TJ Miller to ask him if he wants a drink first. So I just run over to her so I don't miss her. Like I run around the table to her. I guess that's bad etiquette. You're supposed to wait and they go to each person. But I didn't know and she had taken so long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just run over and I like stand there and she turns around and I go, hi. And she goes, I don't like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, what? And she was, and then the dealer was like, oh, you have to wait, she'll come around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I look at her and I was like, you could have been nicer about it. She was like, was I rude? I was like, you don't know that that was rude? Are you unaware?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't know that that was rude and she like looks at me and she goes, well, I'm sorry. And I go, okay, be more pleasant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you're not like, I didn't say this, I said this after I wept away, but I'm like, you're like 50.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So you have to be nice. You're not a hot chick serving drinks. That's right. The only thing you have is to be nice to me. So then I was, and she was like, I'll come over to you. So I go over and now I'm fuming. Cause she like did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just kept playing poker. I was done and the fans were like, so there's probably a reddit thread that I'm mean to servers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well the thing is, Lewis is, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's gotten into, when I met Louis when we were first dating, he, his lamp next to his bed was sitting on a cardboard box. He had no money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy too, yeaah. But now look. Yeaah, look at you. You stuck around, I couldn't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and even at his festival, I have my own segments called, uh, Kim Fest. It's the first day of the festival. Cause when we were, cause originally when we first became friends, I was still kind of hostile and I was like, I tweeted, should I start a festival in Vegas the day before Lewis's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I met a kind of hot guy at the festival in the green room. He was working? He was, he was, ugh, he's a comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's okay. You never met him before. I never met him before, but I didn't know he was a comic. I instantly thought he was attractive. That's a good sign. That's a rare thing. Second thing I noticed after I found him attractive, cauliflower ear. I'm in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I think I need to after Skankfest. I can't feel my body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, it's fuckin', yeaah, I've always liked stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing that sucks about like my whole thing is I like all those things and the note you made is that I'm also attracted to that. So I feel like when I find a guy, they think that I'm like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to do all those things and then when I'm dating someone I'm like, I can't lift or like, I don't even like wanna like look ahead of me when I'm walking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say it on every podcast. If my husband's out there and you're listening to me, I'm like sleepless in Seattle every time I do a podcast. I'm like, if you're 6'2", big dick, got a nice job, decent money, good personality, don't embarrass me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dated a mechanic and it was hot. I would sit, I would go to his house and he would do it at his house and I would sit in the driveway and drink under an umbrella and he would just work shirtless in his car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're like not racist and not woke. Exactly. We're like right in between. Perfect place to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's win a date with whoever's the person, but at Skank Fest, it was win a date with Kim Kongden. And then we have eight comedians. They each come up and do two minutes of stand up. I'm blindfolded, so I don't know who's who, which is funny because it's like Ian doing a different voice and it's clearly Ian. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and then they do a, and then they do a Q&A segment and then there's a thing. But in the middle of it...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were like, well it's not really fair that all these fans came to see me and no one got a chance to go on a date with me, so we pulled up a random fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And obviously he doesn't have a stand up set to do for the bit. So we're like, what can you do to impress me? And he gets on stage with a mic and he kind of panics and he's like, I, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, and this is like a packed room. He's like, I would suck on every part of your body. I'd suck your tits, your ass, your pussy. And everybody's like kind of like, ugh. Yeah. And I had these house shoes on that I wore to Skankfest. I bought house shoes just to wear there because my feet hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'd been wearing them for like three days and they were like brown on the inside and like hot, you know, when they're fuzzy, it's like hot in Vegas. My feet were like sweating in them and I was like, suck my toe. And he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was bad. There was lint on my toe. Nice. We have a video of him picking it off. I wanna see, can we find that video? Yea, Sarah has it. I have it. Let's send it. Send it to Josh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's a really good date. It's very fun. And then you can get this footage. It's very fun. So, uh, the guy sucks my toe. I sold socks at Skankfest as merch. Off my feet. Off your feet. Off my feet. I was giving freshies. If you bought a sock, I'd take my freshie and take the one that was always fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you could see Lewis K in the background there, making his appearance. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the hippo, that's the hippo from the strip club. Oh here, right here. You can see, wait, go back, in the beginning of the video, you can see Steve Ranazizi point out to Soder that my feet are gross. Look. Oh wait, it didn't start over, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm also a gamer. If you're out there and you're one of those guys in my description and you like playing video games, we could do that too. Do you play video games? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As soon as I said I like video games and he said you should see what I'm getting, I knew what it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy asked me to do his podcast. This guy did? Yeah, and I said no at first because I didn't know who he was. And now, and then I wanted to, and now I don't want to again because I'm like, I'm scared I'll agree with everything he says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm scared that I will just look as bad as he does. I'm like yea, maybe that's why no one wants you. Like what kind of straight man wants a girl with short purple hair? Sorry, if you're a man and you want to date a chick with bald hair, just go fuck a dude. Go fuck a dude like you really want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go fuck a man. I agree, they don't really like that, right? Like pixie cuts. You want a man with a pretty face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what I, I'm a true feminist where I'm like, I truly, well I don't believe in us being, like not equality, but what's the other one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uh, I don't know. I think men should do the work and we should relax and have babies. I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I was truly trying to be polite. I will pay for dinner tonight cause I offered and I don't mind and I have the money. But I just want to let you know this is not how I date. That's what I said. It's not how I date. How did he respond? He was like, well, I, he was like saying, he was like, I don't really like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] $15 for your taco date. For what, for bath bombs? It'd be like, for tacos, for coffee. I'm like, Sarah, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, I hate when they say I don't have money to date because my high school boyfriends had money to buy me lunch. That's true. It's not an excuse. That's true. If my high school boyfriends can figure it out with their McDonald's jobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then you had that cheap guy that started charging you for bath bombs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, he told her she needs to not take baths every night because she's running up his water bill. This guy, and I'm telling you, this guy is rich. Rich. Not okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He bought, when they were dating, he bought $100,000 in crypto. He bought these Mr. Frog cryptos, cryptodes, and then he came up to Sarah and he's like, I bought you one. And we were like, hell yeah. He bought you $100,000 crypto. He got her the mist frog that was only worth $50, which is already


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't, I don't fuck with it. I don't do it. I don't like it. It's unattractive. But the reverse is you're gonna, you take care of them. I cook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's where I sell my, uh, thirst traps. I took them all off Instagram. You can't see anything hot on my Instagram unless you're a Patreon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, pandemonium man, it's been, I'm telling you, it's nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll like this little tidbit. So, I actually own a club in Tacoma, Washington. Oh, you do? It's the biggest black-owned club in America. 280 seats. Really? What's the name of the club? Nate Jackson Super Funny Comedy Club. No shit. Alright. Yes. I just call things what they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but, uh, so I had, uhm, I've done Wildin' Out, and so I brought one of my castmate friends from Wildin' Out, and he sold like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 58 tickets across five shows. Okay. And then the following year I brought him to do it again. And, um, I didn't care about the 50 days, my boy paper, whatever. And he sold out four shows and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 15 hours. And I said, what would you do different? And he was like, oh, I'm on TikTok. You got to get on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Told me to get on there, and I was like, I don't want another app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And but I went on his page and I screenshotted and then I went back the next day and compared the screenshot to he had like 25,000 new people in like eight hours. I was like, I can, I can probably post that. Yeah, probably find a couple videos to post.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You start going, I'll, I'll post a TikTok. I watched that full episode and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And so since March, I'm the, um, I've sold more tickets


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In any, in the comedy club system in America in 2023 to anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I broke the sales record in Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I did 16 and then Hannibal Burris hit me on Instagram with a newspaper article and was like, I did 16.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, you shouldn't have shown me after I left town, brother. One more please? You did that? Nice. 17. It was cool. Zaneys gave me like a jersey and some custom Jordans that say like 17 sold out. And then at Atlanta Underground, I did I think 10 or 11. That was their record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. And then, yeaah, there's 12 here at Cap City. It's crazy. I think the only one with tickets might be Monday at 9.30pm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finding an audience there. Because it made everything take off. So I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely the catalyst. I think the key is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put your stuff where the people are. Yeah. Who cares what app it is. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. These algorithms are built for us. Yeah. If somebody watches you, they're like, oh, you like this? Yeah. We'll send you more. Yeah. So it's on you to have the more there for them to send. Yeah. Yeah. So it's, um, it's been pandemonium. Um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't slept, uh, today or last night or whatever yet. I just got off stage at Ontario Improv and then came here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew I was just gonna be tired, so I was like, let me get a first class seat where I can sleep. And they took my seat and put me in a middle seat, no bags, middle seat. I was like, this is insane. What did I pay for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, my road manager's like, I got this. Yeah, yeah. Dr. Heath Hollingsby is his name. Dr. Heath? Oh yeah, nice white gentleman. He's gonna send a hell of a message on this. He's not gonna sound black at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not in like a, you know, it's our fault or your fault, but it's like, we should just make this right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They pop and get amnesia. So I'm so thankful that something lined up. Something lined up and I'm like, is it my turn? Yea, they're like, they who? I don't know you man. Please don't. I like, I have been moving in silence and just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's definitely no new friends. And then like, there's a lot of people who are having to gain a new perspective of what's going on. And I haven't quite taken it all. It's ridiculous. Like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm 40. I've been doing this for 18 years. There's no haters around me. Everybody's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how to put it. I'm trying to figure out how to share the truth with people without it sounding like I'm beating my chest. Oh, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What'd you do this weekend? I'm like, uhm. Yeah, I did. Sure. 15 shows. Yeah, I did 17 shows. Yeah. So, and they're like, you know what I'm saying? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And where I'm from, uhm, I don't know if there's not a lot of exceptional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things like that. Right. Uhm, some people aren't gonna be ready for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is even a possible thing, so right now I'm doing stuff that, one, I can't fathom, and two, they, like, my friends and family and confidants, nobody else can either. So, I'm just trying to take it all in stride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had people assess where we are in our friendship with what I was willing to give them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Like, hey, I need a little help. Okay, well, how much help? And it's almost like they threw a dart at a board and they just say a crazy number. I'm like, I can't do that. But I thought we were friends, man. A little bit of that. Yeah, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but I've seen a Bronx Tell, so I'm like, alright, well here's your one ask. Yeah, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't, I don't loan or give anything that I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, we're strapped to giving in the first place. But my family, uhm, we're different. Like, my whole family's entrepreneurs and stuff. Like, I never saw anybody go to a nine to five job. Everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, literally. Whether it was telecommunications or educational consulting or authors, like everybody in my house is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My stuff popped, which they thought was, you know, uh, inevitable. I didn't know. Uhm, I was just couch to couch grinding and then now stuff's taking off. And they have talked amongst themselves to say, don't ask him for money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just getting it, and that will make him cool off to family. I tried to pay my sister, I went to Raleigh and she-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like one of the founders of Evergreen State College and a lot of wonderful accolades. She also was Oprah's best friend. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, she came to that and she was like, I would like to politely invite you to my birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same space, like maybe a month later and the entire room was white, white roses, white lilacs, white everything. And I was like, dang, what Packers was this? And they're like, no, Oprah bought all this and she keeps every flower. It had to be 5,000 flowers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's what 2.8 billion dollars. That's wild. Yeah. But I like hearing people loving on people that way. Yeah, sure. I have people who ask me for my, what do you, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm sayin'? And I'd rather they ask for a thing than a number. You know what I'm sayin'? Sure. I wanna have a birthday party be a cool ask, right? That'd be dope. Or to just say, hey, I'm having a birthday party, do you wanna come? And Oprah's like, in my, cause I can't make it, but in my absence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they look in your mouth and make up fake cavities. We gotta fill all these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. You don't? I'm, I need, I'm black. I need to see a picture. Oh yeah, cause he's black too. Uhm. I thought this was a white woman. Isn't that the lady from, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rob Dyrdek show? Oh, no, no. It's very different. Okay. Very different. Jesse Lee Peterson?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a lot, man. He's a wild dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, come on, baby. Oh, that's fun. Oh, no. Where the people at? Where the little clowns? He's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horrible, or hilarious. What I just saw? Yeah. I can't watch this. I'll just look right at your forehead this whole time. Oh, the corner of my eye. Still saw it. Shit. Oh, he's still doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wants to get a reduction. I need one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you get motivated by the results. Are you, uh, like, uhm, do you have like alarms and stuff set for when you should eat? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what we're gonna do. We're gonna do that. The group effort. Starting now. Alright, group effort. I promise you. That's exciting. Nice, I like it. We're gonna do it starting now. Cause, my thing is, I always put it second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Exactly. Like I was like, I want to get situated in my house and settled. I want to get the car. I want to get all that. And then I'm like, and then I'll focus on my body. And health. My dad's like, what are you talking about? You got to make yourself first. Dude, he's right. And I, um, I'm quitting smoking, which is insane. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thought I had on it was like, I got this, I got the new car in the house and I don't want to smoke in the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then at Donham, I was like, I'm taking better care of my car and home than I am my own body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's everywhere? Everywhere. What does it do to your breath? Nothing, cause it's not, no, there's no, there's not, it's not, it's not. Well what was his breath like when he was on the Zen pack?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and he tells me all the time, he's like, the day I quit, so he, my sister is, I have two sisters, one's 16 years older than me and one's 12 years older than me, and he said he was holding, uh, Debrina, which is 16 years older than me, and she was a little baby, and he had a cigarette, and the ash fell off and landed like right on her face, and he was brushing the ash, and he was like, I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you watch Tubi? No. Have you heard? I've seen the, I would imagine I'm looking at the outliers, but I've seen the extreme ridiculous clips. Yeah, just on like Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hulu has some wild stuff. Wild stuff, yeaah. I just saw a post this girl made about a movie called Slotherhouse. Uh huh. Have you heard about this? Uh uh. There's a three-toed sloth that's killing everybody in the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't make it up. It's not animated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there it is. Slaughterhouse. You got any clips? It's like, it knows how to drive. Oh, that's cool. And it's like smothering people out with pillows. Like go, I think that's the, go down a little bit more. Oh yeah, it's smothering someone right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he built a house on dick. So let's go, uh, alright, you're, you're, you're a gay pastor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a crip that don't want to, uh, gangbang no more. Okay. And, and I'm, you're trying to convert me and I'm trying to convert you. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was that? And dangerous, armed and dangerous, Kath. Here's the thing about church.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't mind it. Wonderful. It's the blood of Jesus for me though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Cause as a crip, I can't handle bloods. No bloods of Jesus or none of that shit around me. His wounds have healed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna, you wanna hug me, Gus? I do. You gonna hug me into the church? I would love to. Alright, well see you walk over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is what it is. Can you take that back? He really is like, has...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What he's built is un fucking believable. He's got it figured out. You've seen his, his home and like the, was it used to be a military base? Is that right? Yeah. It's insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All that's elevated too, so everything under that is still a house. It's a 40,000 square foot house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Writing movies. Look at it. Converting Crips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't know black people built the White House? Really? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the work we did. It's great. I cannot believe somebody would complain about that gig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. In real life. No shit. Yeah. They're like, we're not waiting on the rest of America. We know who built our school and we're going to give money back. To the lineage. Wow. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's, I think if you follow, if you find it in the truth and you do your history, then you might as well cut the chat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chuckles, he's got two locations. Okay. And then, uh, I believe Mike Epps just became a part owner of a new club in Detroit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's tiny. I wasn't going for that. The example that I saw that it was like, oh, a comic can actually run a club was by Earthquake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He owns a club? No, but Earthquake was the co-founder and ran and owned Uptown Comedy Corner. Wow. Which is also Matt Rife's club he was talking about growing up and performing in his whole childhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The closest part of Florida to Atlanta. The city that Matt hates, you mean? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or the opposite. I mean, being in Seattle. Yea, in the white clubs. Yea. Which is why I think, like, my audiences are, that's the part that everyone's like, wait, what? Cause it's 70% white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like, um, Ontario improv this weekend had to be 65% Mexican.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like it's funny first and then it's not like it's just a whole, like a lot of the black acts in the country, the audience is black. Like they're coming to see who looks like them for some reason. I mean, I kind of know why, like some of it's intentional on my part, but they're coming from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the whole block got developed. Oh, it did? Yea, he was trying to make it to the show yesterday, but I guess he cracked his rim or needed his rim fixed or something, so. Oh, I thought you said rib. I was like, that's fucked. No, rim. Yeah, so I forgive you, Enz. But anyway. Try not to Enz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never, I could never, like I wasn't the guy sending the veils and begging for gigs or blowing up Stroop and all that. I was like, I'll throw my own shit. So Super Funny Comedy Club was Super Funny Comedy Show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good. And then everybody has like attainments in the mentality of we gotta go get it. Yeah. And it pushes all the begging and all the other stuff to the wayside. People ask me like, what do you do? How do I? And I'm like, I don't even know what to tell you man. I never was a, I never begged. I don't even want to call it begging. I never was just like, can I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please ha- no. I was like, I'll throw a show, I'll book four headliners, they all got their own rooms, now I just booked four rooms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just in reciprocation. Right. You know what I mean? Yup. At the comedy store, main room for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit, a long time, it would be packed. I hand wrote invites and mailed them to people like wedding invites.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then open it up and it was like maybe five words like, man, I appreciate you in my life. This is coming up. And then it was the flyer in an envelope and I had it packed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not... Nah, I was hand delivering in Joppa. People came that I didn't expect to come, but they were like, it was the dog. You mailed me a thing. Like too short was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did, cause I was posting YouTube sketches and every time I used the music it would like copyright strike, even if it said it was fair use or whatever. So I was like, I'll just make my own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I started messing around and by like the third song I was like, this is kind of catchy. Yeah. And then, uh, I took it to my friend that owned the studio. Cause I was just on garage band walking around and my, my boy, uh, Yoji Roby has like, he does production all day and he was like, let's clean it up. And I came in and redid it and I was like, this actually sounds kind of good. And then, uh, he came to my next one. I was like, um, short, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a, if you would just listen to it, let me know what you think. And he listens, he's like, I just, you're boppin'. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was it. That's crazy. And then kinda, uh, he was like, come by my, uhm, come by the compound to play it. And I went to his compound where the whole thing is built like a speaker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and he played the same song that I was like, this is kinda bumpin', and it was like, this is the best song in the world, cause I was sittin' in the studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, he was like, yeah man, I might get on it. Just leave, leave the, uh, what they call the stems. Leave me the stems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, oh yea absolutely. And I left and I went back on the website where I had gotten the free beat and like bought it. Like I literally drove around the corner in park like let me hurry up before anybody beats me and I bought it. And then I sent that to him and then randomly, I never thought it was going to happen. Like two months later I just had an email. It was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, he's, he's sad. Like, zeros are the mons. Like, that's zero. Yeah, one deep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my guy, man. Zero was like, what am I? Chopped liver in the comments of that post. I sent it to him at like 8pm and by 6am I had a song with me singing the hook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hook, two short rapping. What the fuck man, so what's the name of the song? It's called the Cookie Monster remix. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just wanted to make a song about eating pussy, and so they told me to clean it up, so I made a cookie. Yeah. It was for a YouTube sketch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's insane. That's kind of the coolest thing ever. Yeah, but I didn't know what I just put it out. Yeah. I'm like, here guys. Here you go. I sent it to like Distro Kid and they were like, what the fuck? And they put it out the next day. It went everywhere. And they got some spins. That's awesome, man. That's awesome. I might dabble again. Yeah, you should. You think so? I mean, if that's your first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do this. But we're fr- I'm not playing. We're friends. You're gonna get my personal number. And we're gonna like be text buddies and stuff. We should do like a little group chat with the three of us. That way when we're talking about something you don't care about you're like why do you keep talking to him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for coming brother. Man, thank you so much for having me. Absolutely. This is amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you agree it's time to end this type of, this crazy so-called women? And look at the women in the movement. Nobody want them anyway. I think they mad because no one want them. They're like lesbians and they're fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. This year is the most satanic of the year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but can I tell you that the older I get, the more I do value the, the ones that I've had for like, since I was like 13, I'm so lucky I've got. Relationships.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just blew my mom bro, you're right. It's your relationship to everything in the world and people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't exist in a vacuum, Tom. As much as I like to think I do, I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I wish I could isolate and just go into my, what is it for a woman, a bear cave as well, and not do the things I have to do all the time. And my therapist is like, yeah, but you get bored soon. I'm like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My friend Shauna, they went to Scotland and they stayed in these like artist colony types. She said there was a legit hermit that lived on property and I was like, that's kinda cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wouldn't do that. Can I do that with you? How about we get houses? Can I tell you something? Can I talk to you for a second? I became obsessed with Helena Bonham Carter, the actress, English actress. And she, when she was married to Tim Burton, she lives in Oxfordshire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she has a nice house there that her family grew up in and Tim Burton bought the house next door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they have houses and they built a bridge between the two of them so that cause they had children together and they could just kinda go and it was like his and hers houses and her house was decorated like Alice in Wonderland. She likes that. And then his was like wacky Tim Burton shit, you know, like skulls or whatever the fuck he's into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was just like, look, I don't like his decor, he doesn't like mine. They're artists, bro. They're artists. That's what they do. Fartists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Mhm. You don't want to do that? Separate houses? It sounds fun. That'd be great. Yea, it sounds fun. Well, it's your decor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If left to your own devices, everything would be like a hotel lobby, like beige.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very neutral and like no flavor. Like, like cream of wheat. That's your palette. It's just like no feelings, empty, empty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's ironic, and you know what's really ironic about, if I may, disclose to the audience?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like, this is the weirdest part, so his palette is Cream of Wheat, but then he will buy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, well hold on, like primary colors, you're like, did a fucking two year old do this? No, no, it's like a really well known, you know, you know, they do these things to rich people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have you go in a gallery and they're like, oh, the guy that painted this has one foot and he painted it with his foot. And then you're like, really? Here's a check. And that's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They love to tell rich people these sob stories and then you guys, you know, by all of us, you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, you love vibrant pieces. Very weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is, this is looks like a homeless person. It's like chic homeless, it's chic homeless. Yeah, it's terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who I am? Do you remember that show, Absolutely Fabulous, Patsy and Adina? Yes. I've become.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, it's a Hanes ad and it's a black gentleman, I believe with vitiligo of some sort. So he's got like dark spots on like tan skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, I'll tell you, in their defense, it is interesting to look at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it definitely got my attention, but I'd be like, what the fuck are they advertising? Like, is this a skin product? Cause all I'm seeing is like the oddity of the skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the good news is this guy is still fit. At least he's in good shape. He's in good shape. That's nice. He seems very friendly. He's got a good attitude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's how it is now. It's really cool. 2024.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Can we, we gotta discuss this with the audience. Are only people are aware? So I was having constipation because of my perimenopausal-ness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I would take laxatives, blow my ass all out. It was like a horrible cycle every month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a fucking idiot. Anyway, after this last bout of laxatives and constipation, I started drinking Metamucil every day and it has transformed my browns. It has made them girthy, they slide right out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, yeaah, so I get type fours with Metamucil. You guys have to start drinking this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mushy consistency with ragged edges. You had mild diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh look, lacking fiber. Fibre. This is a British one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's, that's what it is. The little mussel firms up the loosies. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it like, it lines the intestine with like a slippery so that the kaka just comes right out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we're so middle-aged. Can I tell you my whole middle-aged lady routine now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slough. Is it supposed to be slough? Like s-l-o-u-g-h? Like the part of, yea, that's what I thought. But then it's s-l-o-w for the Americans, right? Slow horses. Slow horses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you, you put the scoops of powder at the bottom of the glass, only use cold water, cold water, not water, otherwise it's disgusting. Oh, okay. You want to do cold water and drink it fast, otherwise it gets gelatinous as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the gays. That's right. Our straws for the gays. And I, this clip I found as I was scrolling on the toilet taking my nice brown this morning. First of all, this is Fox News. This is a news program.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So is it gay for a man to use a straw? And then I started thinking about it. I'm using a straw to drink my.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, Eastern Europe didn't get it until, I don't know, 2006 when I went back? That's the last time I was here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or when somebody just writes back K, that sends me into a spiral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Annie, I remember one time, I had a girlfriend growing up, I was like 9 or 10 too, and her dad, uhm, had a ponytail, but he was, he was married, and like, he would give his daughter hugs and stuff, and my dad would be like, these guys are total cunts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, he's not a f- He's just like a good dad, and the dad would make us like protein shakes in the morning, like smoothies, and he's like, this is totally gay stuff. I'm like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you put hair conditioner in, he's like, conditioner? You're just putting the grease back into your hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, uh, oh yeaah, and I believed him. So I didn't use hair conditioner until like, 22 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, chewing gum? Why would you have chewing gum? Just brush your teeth. Like he wouldn't buy gum. For that same reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So broken. So, uh, one time, and then, oh, when, when I, one time I was crying, as like a teenager, I got super depressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel like that's a tip to like, I'm better than you, I need to pray for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what though, I kind of am happy. I just, let me say why I like this. This is obviously-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is obviously not nice behavior. No. However...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a little thrilled that bullying is back. And I am, I'm kind of cool with it because it's about time we regular, everyone was just pretending to be nice and accepting for so long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder when this started for her, cause, you know what I mean, like at what point did it turn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she doesn't have like a million followers. This is a meager account.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look, she's just your standard San Francisco lesbian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, how can I pray for you, sweater? That's asking for a little abuse, clearly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's triggering everybody up. She's just like, again, standard lesbian vibes. I don't see anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honestly, I don't know how 20-somethings do it. Could you imagine growing up in this culture where just people can say the most wretched things for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never laughed this hard. Oh, I know why. She's got a million followers on TikTok. This is why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why she's getting hate on Instagram. So she's, she's TikTok famous and it doesn't always translate to Instagram fame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just try it out. Let's go see. I have a feeling in the TikTok world that is, that is more accepting. Cause it's younger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instagram is more superficial. You need to be hot and posting like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awesome stuff, but TikTok, you can be a loser and they love it. Like the more of a loser you are, the better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see, they reward it. We love you. See? I've cracked it. Too much sauce in this video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's why she's not sweating it too hard, I hope. Poor woman. She really does exercise a lot, which is curious. I don't know if it's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does go to show that diet is very much a part of how much you weigh, you know. You can work out and still be heavy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instagram is becoming darker and darker and meaner and awful-er, I think. It's turning into Twitter. Really? Yes. That's my sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But before everyone starts going, yeah, that's been a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone, we know this. No, no, no. This is from the 90s, this clip that I found. So these dorks have been Disney-adulting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since at least we have evidence of it since the nineties. I thought it was like a maybe two thousands type of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is very, I mean, we just went to Disneyland with our children. What a fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare. It's horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe these guys get laid. These women fuck these guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And look at him in his gay fucking shorts. This is 96. And he's like, I'll get to be, I'll get to be a child again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a replica of like Pirates of the Caribbean built at his house. That's how into Disney he was. It's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, sometimes I will catch myself. I'll have to catch my belly. I can't watch Pickle and Peanut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is absolutely arrested development of some kind. These people have severe trauma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, same with Prince. I just, um, read this thing that Prince had such an awful childhood. His father would beat him so much. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that he would lock himself in his room and that's how he, he taught himself to play all the instruments. So poor Prince was hiding from his piece of shit dad and that's how he became so talented. So abuse does make really good creative people, you know? That's the shitty part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do a year in Gombe and let's chat about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Idiot. I hope he gets parasites and diarrhea. I hope his fucking intestines fall out. It's interesting. It's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, listen, I, I have to, I'm so ignorant. I'm not sure what Turkmenistan is and why is it so locked? Is this communist or something? Like Korea? North Korea?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know in North Korea the women hide all day long so that they don't get raped by like North Korean soldiers? Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All former Soviet shit. This is what the Soviets destroyed. These countries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Niozo's banished dogs from the capital, Ashkebad, because of their unappealing older and banned citizens from owning more than one cat or dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm surprised he made it this far really because they, they know he's a westerner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're literally in their homes, cause they're like, if I go outside...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bad things happen. You get swept up by the soldiers. You get taken away. You get inducted into the military. Chad likes going to these places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that one's okay. South Africa, great. Okay, so what did it taste like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, can I tell you my theory about, about these travelers? Chad. So any, would any and Josh Zolo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Angelinos, you grew up in a major city. Does any of this sound appealing to you? No. No. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weirdo shitting on the streets. You're like, I'm good. I've had enough. Yeah, let's stay nice places. Nice places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, could you even imagine as an American taking in some strange visitor? I mean, those people are much nicer than us. Just letting a dude sleep in your house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I did, yea, but the majority of people that were hitchhiking were people that were on, you know, were drug, had drug problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's actually the hitchhikers that were assaulted more. Do you know what I mean? Then the other way around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he leans in to kiss me, and I just, I know, and luckily, I just, my friend who worked in a bar, she goes, if ever a guy tries to fuck with you, you just grab him by the throat, grab him by the throat real quick. And I, she just told me that, so I grabbed him by the throat real fucking quick. And the minute I went to do it, the doors opened and they ripped him out, like security.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But can I tell you, even the youth hostels I stayed at like traveling through Europe, thinking back now, you're like just a room full of like girls. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I never had a bad experience. I did it in Paris, Scotland. I'm trying to probably in Amsterdam, you know, seeing youth hostels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, all you have to do if these people really believe in flat earth is like, okay, well then go to Sydney, oi, go to Bondi beach, take out your binocs. And if the earth is flat, you can see the next chunk of land, right? Theoretically, if the earth is flat, shouldn't you be able to like go to the beach and then like see the next pot of land if it's straight?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has no bearing on my life though, if the earth is flat or not. Honestly, doesn't it? Doesn't affect you really? Doesn't it all? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, where'd you go? And she goes, we went to Melbourne. And I go, Melbourne? She goes, no, it's pronounced Mel-bin. Yeah, there it is. Yeah, that's the accent dummy. But is that how you supposed to say it in America? You say Mel-bin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I felt that was really pretentious. And then she goes, and then she goes, you know, when you go to Japan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't know, they don't say they're R's, they say L. So it's not ramen, it's lamin. And I'm like, oh, so I'm supposed to ask for a bowl of lamin noodles in America, dude? Like that's not here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then again, like, Budapest, Budapest. Do you say Budapest? I guess Americans say Budapest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I've had this thought in my head for like a decade. That's how long ago I had that conversation. Really? It's kind of weird, and now it's just bothering me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, like, the one in Orlando, everybody loves to say like, oh, but you can get fucking wasted there. Like, there's not even alcohol in Disneyland in L.A. and, uh, Anaheim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm neither here nor there with yogurt. That's odd. That was the weirdest thing about this video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it looks to me maybe it's a woman who's now a man and she's still, he, they menstruate. And like this person felt the need to stop their Disneyland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if he's a man transition to a woman, why keep the beard? And he would, they would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also like, if you know you're getting cramps, you just take a painkiller so that you don't have to vomit. You know what I mean? Like, you should probably take care of yourself a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I take, I take painkillers might all. Oh God. I don't want to do a dive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so that's bullshit. Okay, so these are fake cramps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to admit, real talk, I think it does look rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That being said, I mean, the pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has a lot of followers on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just like why you never see any little people that are doctors and lawyers. That guy's not your accountant. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeah dude, have you ever seen anything that crazy in your life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh hey, so now we get to see what he looks like with just his eyeballs done. Whoa, ask and ye shall receive. This is amazing, babe. Our dream's coming true right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's way worser. Wow. Dude, that's way scarier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember that show Land of the Lost? It's very old. Look up Slee Stacks on Land of the Lost. This guy looks like a Slee Stack, yea. It's so old, in the 70s. It's like a show that aired Land of the Lost in the mornings back in the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's wild, I didn't mean, the guy developed the technique 20 years ago, so he must know what he's doing at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That happens once a quarter at least in our house. I feel like if I went blind, I would get them tattooed. Paint or something funny. Just be like, look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's charting on the billboards. Did you get that bit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And make a stink about it. Oh man. Well that's always a sign of schizophrenia or mental illness is when they start getting into Jesus. Like my mom at the end of her life was really into the Bible and highlighting Bible passages. Really? Yeaah. It's definitely a mark of mental illness. Yea, sure it is. To get into Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get so scared when they tell me like, man, you can't get up. I'm like, I'm sorry. Okay. I'll just like, I can't imagine sassing back. Like they can't legit kick you off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't have any kind of discretion. It's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember when everybody had one of these and like they would click against their teeth and then cleaning them is not easy like every time you eat there's like salad in the fucking hole and everything. It was gnarly to have one of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the Garth Rage. I think he's a monster. What do you think, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am blown away. I mean, here's the deal, man. These cool guys, like, they're-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you made me wake up at 4am for our vacation flight, I would fucking put a bullet in your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is sponsored by Saatva. Go to saatva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next purchase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling jazzed up. I love the heat. I'm out there like a lizard. Swimming in the lakes. Feeling good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there is a nice window between 4am and 6.30am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm definitely gonna go see some strippers and stuff. Wise guys, Shark Lake Tittie Poota.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then San Jose Improv October 15th and then Comedy Club Island State and Madison Jizz-Conson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, if you haven't purchased my lipstick, please do so, cause it's fucking rad and everyone likes it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ontario, that's, that's where your mommy was born, Windsor. Beautiful Windsor, I'm a Windsor native.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's no irony. Like, I totally, it makes sense that I was born there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shout out to Short Pump. I remember it. Yeah. Uhm, I'm so pumped to be here though. It's nice to, uh, to see you, to see your beautiful face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At this pace. At a normal leisurely pace. It's awesome. So much better. I love doing this. I think everybody does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well hold on, we discussed last week that bisexual men are cats, so this is really interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when he puts it that way, in his defense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is like a nice bonus, like, it's like, he's like, just come do all your favorite stuff at my house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be no sweat. I like Cool Ranch Doritos, I like football, and then you get to come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, see you later, Bob. And what's cool about Bob is like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And his boxer shorts, like he saw this gentleman and ran out as fast as he could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Jaana, might I bring up a point that you always say to me when I find...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The proposed suitor to be physically unattractive. You know what you always say to me? What? But imagine Bob's skills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like you're looking at a man who spent his whole life sucking trucker dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like a suburban married guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so cool. How come lesbians don't offer that? Like I feel like that's such an exclusively male


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right place at the right time. But you know, and also in his defense, it's a numbers game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Bobby's playing, and he's playing to win, and he didn't seem defeated at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he does it in broad daylight, which is crazy. Like this isn't even a nighttime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would try to dread- I honestly think you're right, if he came out wearing a nice collared shirt,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe tucked into like a nice pair of khakis or something. I don't know, just clean it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like them. It does make him look more youthful and healthier. It looks like his eyes are a little more open instead of like sodium bloat alcohol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool. So Eni said, and Eni is not anti-trans, but Nadav is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno. There's like, there's always these specific-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny because on the talks, there's always specific cadences to stuff. It's either this super likewise like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like that cadence or I wake up at 425 and my, all my belongings are packed in the car. I get the kids in the van and we head to world, whatever Disney world. Everything's exciting. And the kids are pumped. It's like, there's, there's only two ways to talk on Tik Tok. You use the microphone. It's so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I send this to you so that people can understand? Do you have it, Nadav?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has, to her credit, she does have four boys, so I understand you have to be organized, but she's like, here's how you maximize your time at Disney World Florida! And then they're all like pumped, and she's like, I wake up at 4 15, I get in a 20 minute workout, that's all I need, I read for two whole minutes, and then I wake up the kids, and you're like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, so, so I, I've been doing a deep dive on her cause I'm obsessed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 7 a.m. She's already put away all the laundry. Hold on. By 7 a.m. she's done the rabble roundup. She's ordered all the groceries, planned all the meals, put all the laundry away, and done all the beds. By 7 a.m.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta see the vacation one. Can you show this? Hold on, so this one's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go on vacation without children and watch how much fun they have on vacation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a relaxed, by the way, if you made me wake up at 4am for our vacation flight, I would fucking put a bullet in your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much time is that taking? If you're hold on where Disney world kids stand still, mom's got to set up the camera and the kids are like, can we just have a, can we pretend to live in the moment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, like my happy state of being is doing absolutely nothing. You saw me this summer. You know what I love doing? Sitting and staring. I can sit and stare for hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She must have given, maybe she scheduled blow jobs every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever massage them? Not really. Cause aren't they like sensitive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never, do you tell our children it's dirty? No. Be like, you stupid don't touch a dirty channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good to talk. But it's good that you did it in the shower. That's like the best clean up, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think my mother ever talked to me. You know what she did when I was nine? She just handed me a book about puberty, the what's happening to my body book for girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just good advice from everyone, you know? So fucking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well in Catholic school in 10th grade, we had sex education, 10th grade, which is too late because everybody's already banged. Yeah. And everyone's given birth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. It was just chaos. And uh, we had a nun teaching us sex ed. And yeah, they were like, well here's five things you can do instead of masturbate. You can take a cold shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can pray for nocturnal emission.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you pray that God takes the stuff away from you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but what like, like think about it. I know the, the, is it just because the Catholics want you to be fruitful and multiply? Like they want you to have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yourself, I'm saying like, why is masturbation not? Cause you're spilling your seed, it's like a fruitless


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pleasure. But God lets you drink alcohol, cause they're all alcoholics, the priests can all be fat and drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I'm just trying to understand the logic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we do need to educate our listeners, our viewers as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a big deal. I think brown stuff is a big deal. That's why you're being so procot- taking so many precautions. It deters me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I don't want brown stuff in my sex life. Like I don't want it to smell caca, caca. I'm not interested, personally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, press pause. You know what you should do too is the way ladies put in a tampon, you can just put one leg up on the toilet too and I'm sure that would be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And listen, this can apply to straight men too because you do have to trim your fingernails before you finger a lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really fuck it. That's a serious tip. That's a hot tip too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm also extending for, uh, but I gave him an extra hot tip, put one leg up on the, do you know what I mean? Like maybe I could make this also straight girl friendly, straight guy friendly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, because he- he doesn't use the proper words for-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The point is, your honor, is that if this is truly educational, he shovo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If a kid, if someone's repeating this, they're like, oh, I'm getting a cockle-doodle-doo in my B, my B.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is my, yea, you don't know how to do this stuff. This is awesome. This is a great resource.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, how did gay dudes figure out this stuff before? You just have to like, know an elder gay. And he's like, you have to meet like, your daddy Demarco, and he's like, you gotta- Let's be clear. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you're, if you open that hole and it's really stretchy, imagine the brown just comes down. You know what I mean? You have the hole that has to go back to, it's a muscle, right? You've, you've extended it and opened it all night. It might be looser. If you have eight hours, like remember, okay. Remember when Norman put the tit cups on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To keeping a butt plug. The plug is in there for a long time. But here's my quandary, here's my question. She uses the butt plug to get more things done, which implies that it makes her more like. Focus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sweet lady, you used to leave your cock ring out for her to clean it up. Now she's a sweet lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is, he is everything I love in a TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lack of self awareness that like all these guys have. Yeah. Which is like, ah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Columbia. And she's like, you give me cash money? Like there's no way, there's no way like a 20 year old hot girl is into the like, there's no way. It's great. Wait, is there the, is there the other?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's wrong with fucking them? They get ten dollars. It's money in her pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Part of the reason I do love this, this lane is because it reminds me somebody very close to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody that may have jizzed inside my mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, anyway, I'm pretty sure I'll find out that I have some half brothers and sisters in the Philippines and Thailand and maybe in Colombia. It'll be cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and oh, the best part is that sometimes, uhm, my dad would have me FaceTime with the girls when, like, he'd be in the other country and he'd be like, hey, talk to Natalie, and I'm like, hi, and she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was painful to have like the FaceTime conversations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our first child was getting baptized and he was going to be out of town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But hold on, but he also wanted me to move the baptism date so that he could still go on his trip. And I was like, that's not how this works. The church has certain days that you sign up for like months in a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my dad, you can never ask those questions because he doesn't know when he's coming back or he doesn't want you to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take care of the body, clean out the apartment. He was in Hungary on vacation and he was mad that my mom died during his vacation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was five months pregnant and I had to clean out her stuff. Pregnant. You were on the road working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then he took his time coming back. He took a week cause he was like, I couldn't find the flight. I'm like, there's no flights from Budapest to Los Angeles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a month from now, you're going to be somebody else. Like, I've dealt with this my whole life. My dad is Mr. Columbia, where it's like, I got insane chemistry with this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's exhausting to be the child of someone, of that guy's daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is in anguish, and I know this. So I'm just gonna say this, shout out to the daughter. I know, I know it sucks. You don't have to meet them. You don't have to know them. You don't have to meet all of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can put up that boundary. It'll piss off your narcissistic dad that you don't have to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did clean up New York, you guys, come on. Remember when he did that? Nobody remembers the good times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the airplane? Go right to the hotel. Give the money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and we go right ahead, wherever, on the floor of the living room as soon as we get in. We don't even make it to the bedroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here we go. Go ahead. Come here, big tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ain't too many. Brad. Uh, not Brad Pitt. The other guy that looks like him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the other one. What the hell's this name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what's great is that they're gonna read this in court. Yeah, they are. And then somebody's gonna have to read this transcript.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man oh man, get over the Passover! It was like 3000 years ago! Okay, the Red Sea parted, big deal! Not the first time that happened. Hilar- that's kind of a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way, the way natural selection works. Jewish men have small cocks because they can't use them after they get married, whereas the Italian men use them all their lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we get to the, I want, if they televised the court hearing, don't they do that on like C-SPAN or something? If we could actually get the reading of this, the real reading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody needs to make a musical about Giuliani and this transcript. You know how they do that? They'll make musicals. This would be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Giuliani and the lawyer. This is amazing. It's great. This guy's a real fucking demon. He really is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, this is a weird tactic. I've never seen this tactic. This is new to me. This is this generation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Negging the woman is the way- I'm just using the proper term. I'm just using the proper term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmhm, Nadav. What was the saying, bitch ass Nadav?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, I'm saying that, but I'm saying to get a woman's attention who is beautiful, complimenting them is the last thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't, don't compliment that bitch. You can't. Like, don't, just don't, because-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, to his credit too, because I, when I was a younger lady, had a collection of, of these types of boys, just like sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they never once said, oh, you're beautiful, Christina, or you're so pretty today. They don't, they won't cross that barrier. So the fact that he even is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, she's so pretty. Is, is like his attempt maybe at crossing that barrier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like Bob with his like, hey, uh, can I suck your dick? No? Okay, cool. Later. Like you just need to like throw it out there, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'd be like, she has a fat label. Yep. Pull back that Roast beef you got hanging out of your underwear. This one's fat, like you should call them fat and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I'm so embarrassed. Oh my god, I'm sweating. My fucking palms are sweating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how did you learn how to have game with women? Did your, your dad obviously wasn't teaching you. Fuck no. Cause remember when he would be like, do you like sweetener, Splenda?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Parents don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my mom was really, actually my mom, I will, to her credit was old school European about courtship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk to a man. No, don't ask him out. Don't chase, never chase the man. Let him chase you. And I'm like, that's actually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is so painful. This is so hard to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And can I tell you that women to really respond to a guy that dresses cool?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do his hair better? Maybe put on like a cool pair of glasses? That would completely change things for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like, that's an image thing, that's easy. But then he needs to, oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but it's gonna be like, you're running for fuckin' two times a day, babe, I gotta go do the run. It's gonna be like sober October for the next- Hundred days. Yeah, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh for fuck's sake. It's just a hundred days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't do this to my family. Please, we finally just got you back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Can't you do another running partner? You can get a running partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe the lenses are transitional flags. You know what I mean? That's very cool. The trans flags are the lenses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is uhm, from the CAP report, ED is CAP, which we...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, any disclosed last few episodes back ED erectile dysfunction is capped. So this one came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm studying to take my MCAT and could it help but share this little detail from my book. For context, it's giving examples of medicalization, which basically means what qualifies as being sick is a social construct. As an example, it says that erectile dysfunction


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, ie, being gay, after the accidental discovery that Viagra caused boners. If somebody didn't get a boner instead of fixing their blood pressure, ED probably wouldn't even be considered a medical issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I got sober seven years ago, got fat and out of shape, yet still after some manual dick rehabilitation, everything is just fine. So there you go. Very cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect. I wonder if you feel it first too. That's what I was just going to say. Like I wonder how it goes in your body. Like that's pretty crazy, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if I have like two or three drugs. It's, it's not as I'm like, fuck. And also I know I'm like, we're on the road. You gotta stop. You can't live like that. Just constantly boozing and eating shitty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're down also. I'm down, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm down. We were doing like a weight loss challenge. We've been trying it for, I mean, once the pod started getting some momentum, I'm like, I gotta fucking keep this guy alive, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, so, we were trying to keep him alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, he was like, we're like, you gotta lose 15 pounds in like 60 days or something like that. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's doing fuckin' fantastic. It's great to see. He's even like, even on the road, he's got like a little more energy. He's like, alright, let's walk here instead of like, before it was like, how many blocks, what's, it was like, we would walk into a restaurant and have to like figure out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it was in Larry David and Seinfeld on Comedians in Cars. They were like, yeah, the chef isn't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're at the table, everybody's like rolling their eyes. And I'm pulling up a chair to the end of the booth. Sure. I'm on the outside. At a Waffle House. We got, he couldn't fit in the booth. Like you can't fit in a Waffle House booth. That's, this, this ain't great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. The private meals. So, so let's- What's the difference between


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of, so he had like a system of order and he'd be like, I'll just do the right away. You're like, this is going to be a loaded sentence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll do the western omelette with the fries. That comes with baking. Let me add a side of sausage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel we were the- Oh, oh, oh. You know what I mean? We gave you the hard concern to the- We were like really playing defense. We were like really in his fucking face. And it's like, obviously it probably wasn't that, but we, you know, we didn't go about it the best way of like, you know, just going them fast. But that's what I'm used to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Just got, dude, it got him fatter if I'm being honest with you. Yeah. But, uh, yeah, everybody was pretty concerned, but we were like really in his fucking face every day of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he'd be like, I'm ordering this and people like, get this or like we'd pick places on the road where we're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We- behind closed doors, we're like, alright, he can get a salad here or something, you know, that's not like, just a pizza place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, man. It's like, sometimes it would be like talking to a child. Like, you're like, yeah, like you're like in their land of make-believe of going, I guess we're just suspending all belief that this is reality. Oh yeah, that was crazy what they did in there, you know? Yeah. Keep it moving. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not white collar crimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's weird though, does it say when he got arrested? No, it doesn't say when. Cause these guys, I was just thinking, he said he's like comedy movies, these guys could be fans of yours. Oh shit. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not butterflies. I know that. The scariest thing is the over the eye down to the cheek. For sure. That's the scariest tattoo anyone can have. Yea, and the soul patch is, uh, is a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going aggravated assault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the other alternative is he pays me two million and kills me, or I don't take it and he kills me. I think you're dead anyway. Yes, that's what I'm saying. I think you gotta play ball. They get you in jail though too. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, my, uh, my fucking car got stolen not too long ago and they brought me in with the guy. They caught the guys at the same time and they brought me in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she goes, yeah, she goes my first check. We go, any stupid purchases? She goes, well, I did buy a sports car. We're like, okay. Well, she goes a Chrysler Spitfire or whatever. And we pulled up a picture. I'm like, that's a PT Cruiser. Get out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I used, uh, you know, I bypassed the proper dealership, you could say, and I used Carvana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, which gets a lot of, I think they were going bankrupt as I was buying it. I'm like, well, if they do go bankrupt, they might pass my note to someone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man. Was it the hatchback? Yea bro. Those things stunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a bumper cars, right? And a go-kart, go-karts and he, one guy pops up on them and it severs his finger immediately. It's like it just fell off. Yeah, it's actually, I don't even understand how it happened. At least it was a clean cut. They might even be able to re put that back on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. That's way, that, that's not, that's tough for me, cause you just see them suffering. It's not just like they get hit in the head with a board, or shot, like, that guy's just screaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I try to avoid them. If I'm in a restaurant or something like I'll turn it down. But yeah, if I have a fountain soda, it's just about ease. Like I'm not going to take the fucking lid off. But I do feel a little fruity. You do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have OCD. You have OBCD. Okay, thank you. I don't know my psychiatrist is on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so handsome. Sorry ass motherfucker got nothing on me, right? God, it's crazy. Nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This song's beaten right out. This song's beaten right out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't recall you tucking in your shirt. When's your next Cairo adjustment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're too nice to Nadav, and I think I know why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You haven't gone into battle lately. You and I have been spending time together at night and you've lost your edge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. You would never let a dog talk to you like that in the past when you were in battle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell em, babe. Livin' off MREs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I noticed that somebody, SOMEBODY, opened a bag of chili Fritos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe took a couple chips out and then left the bag open on the chip tray and all the rest of them were stale. Cause I was gonna be a sport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were stale as fuck, and I'd like to know which one of you animals did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chili, the chili flavored Frito. At first I thought it was Eni, cause I'm like, that's something sneaky that Eni would do. Something that I would do actually first, I would be the jerk to do it. But it wasn't me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I thought, Annie, he denied it. And then I thought, you, that's kind of a baller wartime guy move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These soldiers need to respect you, but then you know what, who, any brought up it might be and it makes perfect sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no. Look at those chompers. So poor. Yea I know. And she's like, I help, I hope you help me get out of my gun. That's what it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I'd love to hear these cool guys give an analysis. Like why is it Columbia over the Philippines?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know dude. It's gross. It's just so gross. It's a bummer dude. Where are you gonna get this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, cause women are too smart or whatever can make their own money or they wouldn't bang you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's corny, it's a little corny. But you know what I liked is that Batman had lead in his pencil and he fucked Vicky Vail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just miss, like, that kind of masculinity, you know? Like, toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity. That's what they call it now. I miss it. Cause in this current Batman, he's such a pussy, like, he doesn't even French Vicky Vail or nothing, dude. Really? Yeah, and at the end, I'm sorry you gotta bleep that one out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like she's like, come with me on my motorcycle and we can drive away and fuck. And he's all like, he's just such a pussy. Jesus Christ. He is the knight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or that their stuffy nose will kill them. It won't because we're all still alive. And I know I had those exact same fears when I started using hostage tape because I was keeping my poor husband up at night, ripping, snoring, and hostage tape has saved our marriage. And not only that, I sleep so much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hostage tape increases oxygen uptake, giving you more energy because of nasal breathing. Increased nitric oxide production helps reduce inflammation and boost the immune system. It can also reduce bad breath, tooth decay and dry mouth. Stop sleeping in separate bedrooms and save your relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Head to hostagetape.com slash mom for one plus one equals three special offer. That's buy two, get a third free at hostagetape.com slash mom for life changing sleep and a 100% money back guarantee. Get a 90 day supply of hostage tape, which equals just 55 cents a day at hostagetape.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go like, oh, is that how you want to treat bitches too? And he's like, no, I just think it'd be fun to be that guy.


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[Assistant] In comparison to Rex, uhm, the Astral,


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[Assistant] Orgasm guy? Uh huh. Is like, Jack fucks. Yeaah. Jack fucks a lot and he fucks well. Like you know for a fact that Jack Nicholson will fuck you up.


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[Assistant] You know what's really cool about him too is that he became famous later in life, like 28 was I think when he got his first role.


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[Assistant] Never him and Christian Bale. I could watch those two guys on anything. I love it.


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[Assistant] Gorgeous, Kim Basinger. I mean. Yeah. And that was natural. This is before Botox filler.


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[Assistant] Getting your tits done, like naturally this woman, her and Jerry Hall, Jerry Hall's in the movie too, just stunning blonde. Gosh, she was so pretty. She married Talek Baldwin.


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[Assistant] That guy's just videoing in the background. He's like, yeah, totally unfazed.


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[Assistant] Couple finds 63 year old McDonald's fries inside a wall while renovating bathroom. Grace and Rob Jones bought their house in 2015. They had no idea it came with a side of fries. So literally they found these old ass fries. Look at them. Can you show us the other photo of a close up of the fries?


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[Assistant] How does it not? It's potato. It's potato and like salt. But why won't it decompose?


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[Assistant] Yeah, even rodents wouldn't eat that. That's a good point.


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[Assistant] I mean, sorry, but literally his diet, for those of you who don't know, was like- It's insane, it's insane. A pizza a day? Yeah. You would eat like once a day?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I forgot that. That was the best to watch when he would eat the six burgers.


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[Assistant] Who's he heard say that? Probably both of us. You know what I do all the time? When there's a bicyclist in the street, I'm like, this idiot. Kids, is this good or bad? Bad.


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[Assistant] Are motorcycles for idiots? Yes. Oh yeah, I drill them. Do you smoke cigarettes? No.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you can tell anybody you love them. You can tell the bank teller. You can tell the bouncer at a club. You can tell your doctor you love them.


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[Assistant] Well Lauren, let's test your abilities right now. Now I remember when Tom and I started dating, we were in our twenties, we were very young.


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[Assistant] Good man, good moral character, he was consistent, I could tell that he was a good human, right? Yea. But then like we started dating and like I went to his apartment and like, he would just sleep on a mattress on the floor?


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[Assistant] But then, okay, but then, okay, so real talk. So then we did start dating. Yeah. Okay. And then.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so like we were, and I liked him. I was spending time with him and I'd go to his apartment or whatever and I'd be like, oh my god, this guy doesn't have a bed frame. And that was kind of weird. And then I went into his shower and I was like,


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[Assistant] You like the guy. You like the guy. So far, so good. We have great chemistry, sexual chemistry, personal, everything. And then I go to take a shower one morning to get ready for work because I spent the night.


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[Assistant] He's like, I- he's like, I- I really like you. And I was like, yeah. He's like, I just wanna tear your eyes out and stab you over and over in your chest and watch you bleed to death. And I was like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's for nerds. It's a computer that nerds use. It's a PC. For porn? No, just for nerds.


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[Assistant] You are picking up on the fact that yes, I am. I don't understand things. I have like an alien...


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[Assistant] I was a little salty cause yea, I had just broken up with someone, so I was like, man fucking suck, this and that, and like, I was like, just being a tough girl.


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[Assistant] I couldn't let him go. He was supposed to be my first one night stand, but I liked him so much.


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[Assistant] I think one is like maybe we should celebrate it, like do


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[Assistant] But only because I wanted to be honest, cause I was like, if this guy asked me out on a hike, I don't hike, bro. Like I'm not, I wasn't that girl. I was a chain smoking kind of goth. I like to hang out in dark bars. So yeah, I was like, no, cause I don't want to lie to you and pretend like I'm fit.


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[Assistant] See, this is why I do like, heterosexual men, like old school, like dudes, cause they'll do whatever bro, like just to get laid. You know what I'm saying?


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[Assistant] Straight men don't have ED with their ladies, okay? I've never been with a dude before I fucked Tom.


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[Assistant] If you have ED and then you're gay. Do you know what I'm saying? Like you just- Okay.


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[Assistant] So much, so much for a man. It's so gross. It's too much. And the teeth are obviously too white. It's a lot, dude. This guy stresses me the fuck out.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's too much towards perfection, like he wants to look perfect and in doing that it's imperfect and weird. Do you know what I mean? He looks like the uncanny valley. I don't know. It's something weird.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well, especially in her twenties, you've just got a list of dicks that are waiting to be teed up. Actually, full disclosure, women always have a list of dudes that would gladly slam them hard. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] Alright, that's terrible though. I am so sorry. That's tragic.


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[Assistant] I just can't put my, my head around a daddy. Faddish. You know what I mean? Like to be somebody's...


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[Assistant] No, I was at a show of his in London in an arena and people saw me like sneak in to listen to him and then he starts talking about sex stuff about with me and everybody starts looking and I'm like, oh no.


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[Assistant] Look, look, honestly, cause I've been in deep in mom town for the last seven years, raising kids, having babies.


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[Assistant] The sexual stuff gets put a little back here so that you can be a little here. But now that my kids are getting older, I'm starting to get back into being a human again.


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[Assistant] So it's just starting to come back, you understand? Yeaah. It's kinda, I personally didn't like being sexual when I was like breastfeeding, like it just, like I had to put out, cause otherwise he would kill me, but you know, like, I...


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[Assistant] I think I could kick guys in the nuts. I always talk about this, that I would do this if I didn't. I feel like I need a kink now. You don't need a kink. Kinks are not for everybody.


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[Assistant] Only for special people. Kinky people. Well yeah, not everybody has them. But I'm like, kinkless.


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[Assistant] I'm very vanilla. I don't have to have a certain Disney kink or a fetish imply you need it to come.


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[Assistant] Well, what's one you wouldn't, you'd be open to trying?


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[Assistant] Okay, look up kinks, Nadav. I'm talking like, pissed.


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[Assistant] I feel like I get peed on in the shower all the time. Same with this guy.


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[Assistant] Well, just up here, but then the rest of it gets hairier. Did you know that? Yeah. When they age, like his chest fur has actually gotten more. Yeah. Wow. It's a lot. Ass hair too.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Masochism? No. Sure.


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[Assistant] No game. No game. That's exactly the right phrase. No game.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you, as a woman, don't you feel like when somebody puts it all out there, when someone does that, they don't really need to.


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[Assistant] Just, hey, you know, but to put it all out there, you don't need to.


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[Assistant] I heard somebody in the shower, so I turned around and it was him. The one you was kissing out?


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[Assistant] He look back at me and I was getting real mean like, right? You know, real serious look, right? Yeaah. I said, shit, fuck it. I went over, I said, He said, yes.


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[Assistant] That was my first time, coming. And it was in a man's ass, bruh.


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[Assistant] I don't know if you're 16 or 15, do you? Yea, you still do.


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[Assistant] Let the doorman wait outside to bring in the luggage. Wait, wait, we need a little more time. Yeah, I need a little time alone with my girlfriend here. That's right. With my daughter.


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[Assistant] Mmm, these breasts belong to me. Nobody else can get near these, okay? I don't care


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[Assistant] Matt Damon is also 5'2", eyes are blue, coochie coochie coo.


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[Assistant] Bitch! Bitch! You're my- What's the W? Whore. Oh. You're my whore! You're my fucking slut!


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[Assistant] Oh, please, go forward. Please, please.


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[Assistant] See what it feels like. Can I get over my discomfort with it?


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[Assistant] Besides gender, quality, besides ED, PMS, all the acronyms. The next one that I got, we gotta stop this, especially us guys out there, we gotta stop panic attacks.


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[Assistant] After you, you know, have been told for so long that you have such an issue that you have to get these things.


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[Assistant] His mayonnaise cap, I don't think I could make a condiment cap, no. I'll try though, I will research, I'll do my research.


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[Assistant] No, not personally. It's a very cultural thing.


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[Assistant] Uh, not all back. Uhm, I'm getting some routines in. I definitely am not going anywhere near as hard as I was for training because I was, I mean I was brutal, but uhm.