[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just threw in there that I rubbed peanut butter all over my body. He did. And women like it. And they offer to lick it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so happy about that. I want that to happen to him every week. So do I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo daddy long neck, send us some, uh, peanut butter licking videos. Please don't. Or not. You don't have to do that. That's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did poop this morning. Right. Then I pooped right after you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just had the idea I might be able to tell Charo that story right now. Let's do it. You wanna try to call her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it would also be hilarious to get, um, her review of Sicario, which I'm sure is not on her. I heard my dad on the way out, he goes, uh, is it classic? She goes, it's not a classic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you know, uhm, but you thought it was, it was crazy violent, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sequel, so the movie Sicario came out a few years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Have you guys not seen, have you not seen the first one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, there's a lot of love. There is a beautiful love story in the first one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true. I think you'll realize, hey mom, do you know that one of the things that the Mexican cartel guys do is like if, uh, if you betray them, they'll, they'll tape you to a chair and they put a mirror in front of you. So you look at yourself in the mirror.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No I know, and then you watch yourself, you watch yourself bleed, but like with a skeleton face, but they put, the skin that was your face, they put it in front of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I walk into the kitchen, Christina comes out of the bathroom, she just went kaka, and then Ellis walks by me, and he has a kaka on his diaper, so we all went kaka at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I love you. I wanted to see what you thought of that movie. Uhm, and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do think, I do think in all fairness, you would actually like the first one. The first one is different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's my mom's favorite joke because every time I hang up, she says that I go, I'm walking into a meeting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you have great instincts on this. I think a big, another thing going on is that he thinks, he knows he's the party guy and that people love the party guy and he thinks you won't love him if he's not partying at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you, was it a slow build up to saying like, hey, there's something going on? Or was it like a moment kind of thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember that, I remember there was this guy, do you remember the guy, the English guy? I've told you about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know, do you know that he is a superstar there? Really? Dude, he does the O2 arena. Like stretches of like multiple shows. 16,000 people a pop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Michael, it might be like, Mcdonald.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but see, I can, there's a couple things going on. Tell me, tell me what's going on. A couple things could be going on, okay? Number one is that he does actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but I'm saying you, you with the, with that open door now with, with you saying, like he definitely heard it. It's like, it could, he could be, uh, intimidated by the prospect of, of coming over and, and possibly all of our sex


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, cat number two I was gonna say maybe as a small dick. No. Then you saw, okay. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same age. See, sometimes with experience, you realize that talking the talk is fun, but you go, I don't want to mess with the person I see at work anymore. I remember being


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I brought it up to her. I was like, you gotta check out this podcast. To you and Pete Lee. Yeaah. I listened to that whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of Nikki and Pete Lee. Pete Lee for people who listen to this show, he's in that documentary I Need You To Kill that was filmed where we went to Asia with Chad Daniels and I, we went to Hong Kong. So if you've seen that, that's Pete Lee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He and Nikki, I don't even want to give it away, but they have this great story of meeting and this romance building. Falling in love. Yeaah. And then, uh, when he, uh, said, I can't right now, basically, to Nikki, she was like, you're dead to me. And meant it for like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I love actually, I mean the, the good, the great part of the story is that you moved past it and have re-become friends again. And you guys seem to like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a friend, like, you know, we'll hang out with comics forever, and then you go out with, like, the non-comic couple and you're like, this is the goddamn worst. Yeah, they're like, they're so goddamn boring, they have, their shit talking skills are terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was like, I do this all the time. And I was like, you do what? It was like during one of the breaks. He's like, well, we do porn. And I was like, oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing to it, you have a fucking pipeline to start sampling the goods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, here, we're about to go into camp for the Jets and the Giants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they're all in the area. Just tell your producer, like, first of all, bring up the fuckin' roster so you can see, like, what they look like. That is brilliant. And then see the rookies be like, oh, bring in this 21-year-old fuckin' car, totally yoked guy with money who'll fuckin' buy you dinner. And just sample them, you know? Bring them on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, this is him. And hold on, let me show you this. How is he? Does it have the, uh, he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yeah, look, look, look, look. In 2009, two years after New Phases, he performed to 500,000 people just in the UK on a record-breaking six nights at Wembley Arena and four at the O2 Arena.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he made 21 million pounds, which is like, let's say closer to 40 million dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I had no, I remember, I found out about this a couple years ago, cause I was like, ah, there was this guy, he was annoying, he was backstage, doing like, leg kicks, and we were like, were you fucking relaxed? He was annoying. Yeah, and he ended up being, and then they, like, if you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you look up his stuff, it's like has him performing for the royal family and just wild shit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, and it's really weird when it's in comedy. Cause sometimes, you know, I'll pull up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, some Twitter, Instagram thing, and it'll be like, uh, something, you know, Zendaya. Who the fuck's Zendaya? And then you go to it and it's like 19 million followers. You're like, I can't believe I don't know somebody that... But then in comedy, to have somebody that you're like, I do this, I'm in this world, and I don't know this guy. I had to try to find his name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. That's real- It is like Kevin Hart shit, you know? It is! Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I feel like he probably just does the UK. This guy probably never comes over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. He's British and he's doing it at home. I wouldn't want to be the US guy that's in one part of the world, because I like being in the States.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's every, I don't know, it's every day it's a little, it's a little weirder, and I've said this before on this podcast is like, there comes a point where I don't feel like I'm in it, I feel like I'm just an observer of what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really becomes your whole life though. Just insulating him. I have like an insecurity about not having interesting hobbies, you know? Cause you see people doing all these cool things and you're like, I want to do cool things, but I don't know which cool thing I want to do. What can I get involved in? And then it's like, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have this career that I have to put time into and then, you know, you tour and all this and you do spots and then there's this and then you go, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There isn't a cap, and here's the thing that happens. The more that you experience and achieve success-wise, the more that the taste is there for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanting more of it and enjoying it and you get, you get roped into, it's basically a competitive part of you comes alive because you realize you're here and you always know and I've found this to be true for people at every level. Sometimes you don't realize it, but I've had the conversations and I know they all are aware.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go, what did I do? I sold 5,000 tickets in this thing, that's cool. And then you know that somebody sold 8,000 tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing though, cause I have the same thought, and I go, the one thing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I'm always like, why aren't we doing, you know, moving up in the, in whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a gentleman. Now, how about that night, was he like, hey, this dick's not gonna come on it's own? Like, are you gonna fucking finish it off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For Nikki, is uhm, you know, she's looking for the right place to meet a guy. What about joining a whole new group of people? Seeing if you can meet somebody cool there, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're always talking about this, how just fucking do it and don't tell anybody. Don't tell anybody. Like, there's like, I gotta come out, tell my dad that I'm bi. Why? He doesn't need to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't need to know. Yeah, he doesn't need to know how you cum or what makes you cum. My god, that's so hilarious. In case you were wondering about what makes me cum, it's us guys and girls, and I like when their pits smell. It's when I get the hardest and your dad's like, that's nice, I'm gonna have a Diet Coke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she doesn't need to know. That's, that's the main thing is that she absolutely doesn't need to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is from, here it is. Yeah, it's Pony Play, the newest. My strange addiction probably, cause it's addicted to Pony Play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That face. Oh my god. You know right now, like that face is like, I remember when she was seven and I told her that I'd bring her a gift the next day because I'd forgotten to buy her a birthday gift.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You jump in within a relationship where like, you know, they've been together 20 years, have kids, and then the guy's like, I'm a woman. And the woman's like, I'm sorry, what? And then you go through the transition. It is so fascinating that like, I can't stop. I cannot stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you be like, why didn't she say something? No, I think, I think I would uhm, I mean, it's almost like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's at that point being like, do you wanna bring, I guess if, it's, it's really about her, if, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like maybe the crazy, crazy big dongs should probably say something too, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. They're like, just so you know, this could rearrange the whole way everything works for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, right? I think I would say something if my dong was extreme in any way. I think so. I used to think my vagina was... You know what? I'd be so nervous that it's going to be the deal breaker. It's like she's pointing out that scar because she has some insecurity about it. And she's like, let's just put it out of the way right now. Which I think is a very, kind of nice thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then one of the things you learn, you don't learn it very young, it's what young people need to hear, especially young women. Guys don't care. They don't know. They will fuck anything. Anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or they are mad that you're not giving it to them again. Yes. Yes. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's one of our old school guys. Uhm, oh my god. So I wanted, before uhm, we go, I just wanted to make sure everybody knows. Uhm, you can see, you can listen to Nikki four days a week? Four days a week, Monday through Thursday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did fine. I thought it was going to be like my big, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wanna, I mean like, I've always kind of had an interest in photography, so I'm like, I should pursue that more, but then I never do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there goes my dream, and that's just how it ends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe you guys got him to do it. Such a big gift.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, this woman says she came from Florida to find love. Now she claims the man she's accused of stalking is her soulmate because of her superstitious beliefs and a particular number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Following the number 33, I used to wake up every day and every night at 3 33. Jacqueline Claire Addis telling 12 news about her beliefs tied to the number 33.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But police say the multimillionaire didn't feel the same way. He called authorities on her numerous times, including last month when cops found Addis trespassing inside his house, taking a bath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now in court documents there is a box that's checked indicating that she's mentally disturbed. She's behind bars with no bond.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well that's great, very excited obviously for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's that now. Where, where are you gonna be coming up, Jane?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. I, uhm, I mentioned this last week, uh, Breast Balls Beach Saturday was close to gone. I don't know if it's gone yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Breya, which is in August, has opened up like a hundred tickets each show because they have a new location and a new size, new capacity. So if you didn't get tickets, there are now some tickets available to each of the five shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let's see, I think that, that one's gone. Oh, there's some tickets left for the second show in Boise. Ball Sacramento, California at the, uh, Community Center Theater. Fuck no, I mean Fresno. Jeez. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] October 26th, Bakersfield, October 27th, Jack me off Phil, Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fill her up to help you. Oh, and Eugene. Eugene Oregon was added also in October. You can get all those tickets at TomSagura.com. Click on the tour page. Tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, Jean, let's get into our show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's get into our show. There's so much to go over. We have a great guest on the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, Musublady is, is, uh, is definitely celebrating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we're recording for, might as well say we're recording on Memorial Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really celebrating the day off, you know, that kind of shit. Alright, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, uh, I would rather bring back some dictators if it meant we could get rid of those three. Well, I mean, obviously one's dead, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the very first time I heard it, I was like, this is dog shit. Who's this? Is this Bob Dylan? This is who people talk about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't hate him, I just don't like to pretend that it's like, uh, real singing. That's not singing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I will say that I like, uhm, new discoveries when they're good. Like anybody would, right? It's like somebody says try this food and you're like, oh, what the fuck is it? Like, so music wise, you know, I got into Thundercat over the weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd have, I like that new Pusha T album, uh, Daytona, which uhm, I mean I knew, I obviously knew who he was, but I'm saying it's like when something new comes out that you can get excited behind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really much, I mean, Kanye made the beats and it just, it further proved my point when everyone was accusing him of like, whatever, he might be going nuts or whatever. I was like, yeah, but they won't care if he makes, drops that heat on them. Something good. Yeah. And those, uh, those beats were insanity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a lot of tweets. And that is exactly what we wanted, to bombard Cardi B with tweets about, oh my god, you set up the pregnancy with Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always ask for consent when you change a diaper, feed, you know, pick them up, bathe them, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, that's one of my first words. Yes, I'm thinking about it, maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I will say, it is rare, but always a treat when, well first of all, when like, for instance when, a couple weeks ago,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, uh, the female listeners sent in their try it out videos, which was a really spectacular treat. And then now when we get a video like this, where it's a woman saying she wants the sex. Cause there's, I'll let you know a little secret. There's no shortage of men out there who make requests like this, but when it's a lady, it's a very special thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think maybe she has like, uh, like, is the problem that she's going after unattainable men? No. Cause she can't not get sex. No, she's going after losers. That's the problem? Losers. But she's not even getting it from losers? That doesn't add up to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's one or two things going on here. This is either a smart lady who realizes the comedy in doing this and she's doing it because she knows it'll get tons of views and comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, it's a very mentally unstable person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, cause so far, I mean, see, here's my point, like, there's no way this lady can't get someone to put this ding dong in her throat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would that be a challenge, you know? She's like, no one will do it? Bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This might be my dalmatian. She'd be a good influence on the boys. She'd be a great mom, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was, yea, it was, it was, you know, it was kind of annoying, I'm not gonna lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the first thing is you take your morning piss and you clear stuff out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. So when I got down there, I was ready to drink my coffee, but then, you know, I, I just kinda took a deep breath. I was like, oh, there's some stuff to bring up. And I brought it up. In the kitchen. I wasn't really thinking, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I think we're jumping over the fact that when I first got up I was like, I got a pretty big boner right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every flower blooms differently, you know? Every color.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I mean, I don't, I wouldn't let it, I wouldn't be bothered by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why. I think it's just I'm not a fan of the, uh, the artwork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Jessica Chastain and she plays, uhm, Molly Bloom, who was an Olympic skier, who then ended up running poker games, like exclusive poker games in Los Angeles and later New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, it's a really cool story, it's a really well done movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well her tits were spectacular. They were out the entire movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the kind of, it's the kind of movie and the kind of tits where you're wondering why there isn't a more in-depth conversation about her tits in the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not only that, you uhm, right away started the conversation. You go, you think they're real? And my immediate feedback was 100% I think they're real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I could tell that there was a lot of help in giving out that type of cleavage. In other words, there was a supportive bra and tight clothes up top pressing those tits together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have a natural drop to them, and then they're just exposed more, and this bra is just lifting them up and pushing them together, which giving this, uh, you know, the cleavage, which is really nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now this is all the movie stuff. This is her at a premiere right here and they look-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're nice. Yea, no they're perfect. She's got real nice tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Molly's Tick, Molly's Tick Game. But anyways, it's a good movie. If you guys are looking for a movie and haven't seen it, I think it's definitely an entertaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you like tits? This is the kind of show you're gonna like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, anyways. Yeah, but those tits are, they're really something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, I was right, by the way, this, this Italian guy, he's the count of the Pasi de Prepostulo noble family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, she married him at his family's estate in Carbonara, Italy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, apparently my son from my previous relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that, mmmm, 25 times a week, people send me a link to Jean Seguro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did, yeaah. Yeaah, when we were, you know, my previous girlfriend, we were always telling him to wear his helmet, so I'm glad he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That happens. It does, it's not good. I hit my cousin Jeanette with a baseball bat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was pretty bad at it. When we were kids, we were probably seven, eight. And on the backswing, I hit, uhm, Jeanette in the head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She went inside, there was a lot of tears. And then it was like, alright, try it this time. And this time I went and I hit the ball off the tee and on the follow, like on the swing through, I clocked Brian in the jaw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I ran home because I was so fucking upset and scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's terrible. I thought I killed my two cousins. Yeah, you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't like hockey because it's dangerous? Uhm, I don't know, archery? Archery, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you want, right? Yeah. So what we'll show them, we'll show them like, we'll get a, like a pamphlet ready. Yeah. Of only indoor sports with comfortable seating and air conditioning and be like, here's the world. Choose what you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when he goes, uh, sagro, be like, it's impossible. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not every, not every game, but I mean, people get kicked in the head, knees to the head, you know. Yeah, they break limbs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's indoors. Great seating too. Yeah. Not snacks. Mom doesn't have to bake anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this here? Somebody sent me this, this says Top Dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You take this into an acting class, I guarantee you're gonna get your acting coach's attention. If they go, what the hell is this from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watching this thing on YouTube and there's this indie film this guy made. It's really, he's kind of make up a name, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my God. Yeah, it's amazing. I bet our guest today could do a real read.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really good. Good stuff, guys. International submissions now. Uhm, so that is, uh, Akim? Akim? Is that how you say it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn, that was brilliant, you guys. People still, every. Single. Genius. Day. Send me, uhm. Home ya know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got caught trying to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back from the pause you never knew about, uhm, and joining us is long overdue, uhm, is really long overdue. You may know him from stand-up specials, uh, television shows, and, uh, you may have mispronounced his name for years. Yeah. Uhm, I've seen it, I've seen it live and in person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that funny? Like someone sees a symbol and they're like, I don't even wanna fuck with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I've been on the phone with people where they go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always, I've said it, I always knew I was dating her for real, like when I was like, I liked this girl, when I could spell it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did? When? In Vancouver. It was when he shot his last special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were there the night before? Or something like that. The Vogue, right? Yea, the Vogue. And I was there the day after you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy was like, we're counting on you. I'm like, for the alt show? Why? And they were like, cause, and then when, when they were like, uh, you know, like agents and managers were kind of giving shit back, they're like, you haven't even changed the marquee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In front of the Melrose Improv, this has got to be like 07. Wow. And I remember asking you, I actually remember asking like, oh, do you guys, do you work with him? And you're like, oh, he's like helping me out. Oh wow, that long ago. Jesus. And I was like, what do you mean? You're like, cause I didn't even know what that meant. You're like, like he's helping me out, but I'm not like a client.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. And did you have, did you, I was wondering this, like, did you, because your dad was a director, did you, had you read just dozens and dozens of scripts? Yeah, I grew up in it, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were talking about acting in a comedy versus a drama and you're like, you said that the dramas are the worst because like you're there all day and then you're like, Hey, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I flew with, uh, what's the guy that played, uh, Chris Noth? Played Mr. Beard on Sex and the City? So we were talking all about this stuff and he goes, he said, uh, he's like, uh, he's like, you know, that role is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every week it's the same blueprint and you just go like, you're like, we need to talk to that guy now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. I'm like, first of all, I'm super nice to everybody. Of course, yea. Like, anybody says anything to me, I'm always nice. Of course. I'm saying that he relishes. Yea, yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to the national championship game, uh, with, uh, Ari and Nen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm always just like, I don't, I'm, I'm, I don't know what is uhm, I'm putting expectations of the person, I'm assuming them, so I'm always like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get, uh, you know who you remind me of? I'll be like, what? You know who you remind me of? Who? Uh, that guy, uh, from the hangover. And I'm like, Zach Galifianakis? Yeah, I'm like, why? Cause we have beards?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the other part of this is that uhm, that is lost on some people? Is that they don't make that same concession to their compliment to other types of artists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they saw the actor from the thing, they wouldn't be like, you're a decent enough actor. They would just be like, I love you in this. We don't know that. No one goes up to a fucking band and is like, you're kind of a good band. There's another band that like more than you. Comedians are more relatable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's also, there's this one, there's this thing that happens in people's heads that they're not even fully aware of when they meet a comedian. And that is that, especially one that they just saw, they're like, you just made all these people laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You kind of want to go, do you know, I also, my, my pet peeve one is, I find it super annoying. It's like you walk, let's say, uh, from a club into like the bar room. Most people are gone. There's some people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or maybe it's like the hotel across the street and somebody will be like, oh, they go, pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna be cool? You're gonna be cool, man. That to me is the equivalent of literally looking at someone and being like, you're not bad looking. And you're like, what? Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always joke about, I'm like, I've never seen, uh, there's, there's no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always thought it was crazy too when somebody will talk shit and then they go, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They talk shit, and if you put them on blast, then they're like, it's really not cool the way you shared it with everybody, and you're like, wait, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How exciting was, okay, I've seen you do it to a lot of people. Obviously the biggest one ever was this Logan Paul one, which I know you've probably discussed as ad nauseam, but just to people that are talking about, uh, that's the, the YouTube guy, he's a young guy. He has like fucking crazy millions. He has like 24.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he has like millions and millions of subscribers on YouTube, millions and millions of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy was insane here. Oh yeaah. I'm laughing because I know why your comedy career took a dive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long between this and you with what is soon to be the greatest slam, the grand slam of all time, how long does it take?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at this. So this is what Chris responds with. At least when my career dies, you can film it and put it up on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In other words, if you're roasting, um, uh, a giant fat guy, you go, and they're like, if you, like, if everyone thinks of, well, that guy's enormous, that's the wheelhouse, because then it becomes a relatable joke, right? So if the person is, if the person, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Roast joke, cause it's like, it's a put down, but it's not like a too aggro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the joke, but it's, it's because it's attached to somebody who's done something wholly unlikable and you're joking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there any, like, uhm, follow up to this whole thing? Anything that, like, as far as, like, somebody reach out to you from, that knows him or anything like that or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear from anybody who you've never heard from in, like, support of it? In other words, it was like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are like, I don't want no part of you, man. I don't want any business with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so funny. I like that kind of shit. Um, hey, so give us, we were watching this, tell your, uh, your assessment of, uh, what's going on with this girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, would you ever have sympathy sex with someone? Like, would you throw someone a bone that you're not that attracted to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm relating something that's not necessarily related to this. I'm just saying, would you, would you ever throw?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never like, ehh, you know, I'm not, she's not, but she's, she deserves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she was just like, ehh, and I was like, she was like, I want to. Uh, she was just kind of like, you know, lagging behind, and I was like, I kind of want to talk to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, well he kinda knew, he was like, he was uhm, you could tell it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he was keeping it, you know, he wasn't being like gross. He was like, it's funny like to watch you, like you kind of like lay back. Cause he would see me before he would go, he would turn in real early, you know, but he'd be like, Oh, I see what you do. You kind of like lay back and you kind of like assess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came real close. I got a call and I, you know, I didn't have that much money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the agent was like, no, you'll have to do like this welcome aboard thing. And then you'll have to do like two clean sets. But then you get to do one dirty set. And it was like a thousand dollars more than I was used to making.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like something came up like an international gig where I was like, Oh, I actually can turn this on. It was relief. It was when I turned it down, I was like, Oh my God. Cause I wasn't prepared to turn it down really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brand. It's like. I know. And there's no, there's also, that's like the, you know, the big thing is like there's obviously no skill set there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is the, the, the following of a spectacle. You're just watching a spectacle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Here, we did it for him. Here's a bunch of your everythings like that, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And especially, you know, with uh, with people, with athletes period, at any level, it's like sometimes we, we expect a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. Oh man, that's hilarious. How have I never seen that? Man, that's something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like, that's who you are. Or being, I mean, this is a more dramatic example, but this lawyer in New York, who's uh, you know, he was like screaming at people for speaking Spanish, and like, now it's, that's you forever, like, you're the racist lawyer, no matter what he ever does, he'll never get away from that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She also did that thing that I think reminded me of kids where, remember like when you're a kid, you can tattletale and then if somebody goes like, this isn't something to tattletale about, you get emotional because you kinda know you did something wrong. There's a camera on her, someone's filming her when the police arrive and she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She starts breaking down. It's like, I think she's breaking down because she knows. Yea, she knows she's fucked. She's fucked. I miss that bit. But she starts to twist it as uhm. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty great. Um, so wait, where's this? Oh, check out this. This is a lady who definitely has, I don't know what the fuck is going on with her, but she goes into Taco Bell and already


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is one of my favorite social media things of all time. So what Neil does semi-regularly is he will go on Twitter and use the search function and he'll just type in like Taco Bell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he'll do like dozens of them. It's amazing. Oh, that's funny. Yeaah, it's absolutely fantastic. Uhm, yeaah, he, uh, he fucking, aw man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shit kills me. Yeah, I remember seeing that on Def Jam, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also had that thing where I'm like, there's no way he's gonna keep this up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I came to find out like, that's 100% his ass. That's so funny. Cause he doesn't curse. So every time he curses, he says hamburger. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were talking about, uhm, earthquake doing a gig somewhere, and my agent, your agent too, was like, uh, he's like, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, so devastating, the level he was killing at. He was like, you know, it was like, like the building was gonna fall down and he goes, you'll never kill that hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen, uh, no, there's no feeling to, especially when you're like, it's, it's so when it's like, this is going perfectly for that person. Like, so like every line and like the audience has absolutely losing their minds. And I definitely want to go like now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also feel like, you know, after you've done this a while, like when, when you're, like, looking back, I feel like you, you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think of more adjustments, oddly enough, earlier on. For me, I do. Oh, I totally agree with you, dude. And like now, if I'm like, if I'm after someone just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, people who, like, like my dad who doesn't know shit about comedy, like, he's been to shows where he's like, uh, how come you don't, like, uh, maybe try to, you know, make it for them? But that's such a character strength.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a guy in Canada, and it was a Canadian show, all white audience, obviously, and his name is Trix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was 2013, it was a week, I always remember this detail, it was a week to the day that I shot my first special week after. So I thought it was so interesting that like, at the time, your career highlight, shooting a one hour special, one week to the day later, booed off stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a great showcase of what stand-up can be to people. Shoot your special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's saying I'm proud. With the special, like, with the material that is your special. Woah, dude, that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the other, by the way, the other person who I've never seen anybody kill this heart in this room. I've seen people kill, had good sets there at the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rodman? Have you ever seen him? Oh, I know that guy. Who's that? Oh, oh, wait, who is that? This guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did a, he did a couple sets. Mer, really? Like the kind of shit we're talking about where like, he's closing this out, right? And they're like, well now he is. Oh, right, right, right, right. Call this show over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, by the way, so for people listening, she's wearing like a workout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like a, like a sports bra, you know, her, her belly is exposed. Right. It's got headphones around her neck. Adidas track pants. Yeah. I mean, you're like, all right, I don't know what's coming from the, she's doing her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also still, she's like, she's getting irritated, the person, but she's also like, I know this lady's starting to say, what do you sell that's like french fries?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is what she's saying, and the lady behind the counter is like, the menu is above my head, as it is in all of these types.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The girl who was asking for fries said this is racism at its finest. And then other patrons of this Taco Bell were like, they have tacos and burritos. That's what they have here. So, you know. And now...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, I mean she's definitely going through something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If she said something, let's say, like right now, because this turns, like, uhm, unstable emotional behavior turns me off big time, where I go like, I don't want to be, but I'm amused, I'm amused at the people interacting. If she said something really fucked up or insulting, let's say, to the worker there, then I would jump in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so uhm, we've been making fun of scat singing for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy is so serious about that. He's super serious. And now there's, you know what hand boning is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy is a ham boner, uhm, and he also incorporates, I think he incorporates scatting into it too. Ham bone? What is ham bone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I literally think an hour, I could do, in an hour of going over this I could figure out 80% of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you walked into a room and there's a small stage and this guy was doing this, you'd be like, I know that song. And, and you kind of go, but if some guy was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's one of those guys that if you saw, if you were standing there and you had loose cash in your pocket and he was doing this, you might be like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody's been, we've been talking about this, everyone's been sending in their, uhm, their Try It Out, uhm, videos. Do you know what I'm talking about? No, try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, it's, it's been, oh my god, it's been so much since, since that came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So people have been just, you know, doing their versions of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the week before we had a bunch of women did it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people thought he was saying hoe a man out, like piss on me, beat me, hoe me on out, hoe a man out. What? H-hoe me on out, like he's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and then there was just like all types of submissions to what he's saying. And then we, we, we decided that he must be saying, he's like rambling through it and he's saying home here now. Cause he gave out his address before, so piss on me, beat me, I'm home. Like you can do it right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he recorded, he recorded saying Laurel. So he was on an interview, he goes, we said Laurel, but you're right in that it's also devices.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, uh, he said he sang Laurel, but the pitch, either that you naturally hear, or the pitch that your device is playing,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, it's over. Yeah. Uhm, alright. Oh, so, I don't wanna forget. Uhm, just let me pull this up. Uh, Chris? Did we do, how long have we been doing this? We've been, uh, we're over the two hour mark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, we're so happy you came. Uh, Chris is on a big tour right now. He's doing a lot of venues. Go to chrisdelia.com, click on the tour, and you can see he's coming up in, uh, let's see, the Count Bassey Theater in Red Bank, Wilmington, Delaware, uh, Reading, Pennsylvania, Tulsa,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, looks like he's gonna be close to, or, okay, see Midwest City, Dallas, they're all at Kristalia.com. Uhm, how's the tour been going? Fun? It's fun, yea, so far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, so go see Chris live, or of course he's at the Comedy Store all the time, listen to, congratulations. Come see all of us at the Comedy Store. Yeaah, we're all there. Uhm, this is a song, let's see, this is Therapy Breakthrough by Pete Sake to take us out, and I think it has a bunch of, uh, Try it out. Try it out, and Dr. Drew being her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men from jail, homeless, or uhm, you're a thug, wanna come move in? A friend can move in with you too, man. Free rent, you can lease in a key. Fuck me. Piss on me, beat me, I'm home now. There it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see me when I come over today and try it out, try it out, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even the church has nothing to do with this. So it's just your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not a way to name me. You know what, I have to, how would you like if I tell you something that you want to do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cannot go against your father's will ever. The secret for a happy marriage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have to ask the lady to try to get a table for two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, your farts are incredible. They are incredible. I know they're incredible, but it's not something that you should be proud of. People think... You're embarrassing me. People think... What did you hear last night? Tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that would be my talent. So, the self-esteem is in the floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The burps too? You know, I never burped before. And that's why I went to a doctor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No Christmas, no retirement, no anniversary, no, I am dying, please, before I die, give me the place. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you aware that it can be not only your mother, but maybe your grandmother?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what he told me? He says, age doesn't count when it's a woman like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That there are two possibilities that either Jane will move and take care of him and organize his life or he will move here because you won't leave him alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he can wait for that. You think so? Oh, his mind is just, he's already arranging the dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. But I don't think he would go in those pages. No websites? No, they, dot com, stuff like that. No. No. No. But what'd he do? He probably go to the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My flirting consists in don't flirting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have never failed in my life. There is no guy who can ever say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He keeps trying. And then if, what do they say, yeaah, how much do you think he goes to lunch with them? Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about the baby? We're having one chicken Christina. The baby's coming today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has 10 different accounts, 10 different banks, and he has to go to a bank to get some money, has to go to a bank to deposit, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it was like you couldn't fit inside so he called you in because you have a narrower penis and he was like, it's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew you were gonna bring this up. I knew you were gonna bring this up. How dare you. First of all,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I keep that thing stocked all the time. I bring up about, I bring up an entire fucking case of toilet paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well did you use the tissue? There's a backup tissue box that I put there for a reason. It's a backup system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, because we just ran out, like this morning at 4am I took my last wipe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I woke up at 6 45 with a kid. It wasn't the first thing on my list, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why am I the keeper of the toilet paper? I was gone. You're the keeper of the house. Yea, but I can't keep up with everything. I got other stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got dogs with diarrhea in the middle of the night. Fucking dog. I got seven months, I'm so much pregnant. I got a toddler and my friend visiting, it's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the baby keeps me up a lot of nights too, like they cry, I'm tired already. You've been gone a lot this month, it's been hard. At least once a month, this goddamn dog gets diarrhea. And then now I'm up at night taking her out two or three times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, Ben the vet, she's eaten special food to balance this problem out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause Feef might get it once every year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they eat the same stuff that falls on the floor. And here's the thing, yesterday is when she must have gotten it, but I kept her away from all the droppings from the food, the table. She, there's no, like I don't even know what she, she can't get into trash cause there's no, there's no supply around her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no access. She's no access to these things. I'm beginning to think it's something inside of her that's wrong. I don't think it's a diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh. Just for a night. If she survives, she's your dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Snatch her right up. I-I'm at a loss. I really don't know... I don't know what is wrong. It's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't be up at night with two babies now and a fucking dog. That's the thing. Yeah. I'm going crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's interesting to me is people that call themselves sex experts now. Is that even really necessary? I mean, given the internet, you can just Google.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How would you, hold on, how would you feel if I made out with your butt while you masturbate? Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever think that I would put those words together in a sentence? Never. I never, 41 years, never said that before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you the kind that would just toss salad willy nilly with girls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would. See this nasty girl, she nasty as hell, but- She's not nasty. But she looks like a nice girl, so this girl you'd be like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, no, because I mean, I know people that have these things and relationships, and I think, I think it's more the relationship talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, but I've got hepatitis A, B, syphilis, HIV, chlamydia, and gastrointestinal. I've got all these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see yeaah, some people say that's just the calculated risk you take for being with that person. You just wear a condom and that's the risk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. So yeah, the one I stand, it's a calculated risk. So she tells you how this, maybe I'm not broken out right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to disclose. I think it's your moral duty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear that's the only reason I wasn't a hoe. I mean, not the only, but I was so afraid of getting all this stuff, man. And now look, now we're two virgins together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, she's with, uh, she had to tell you to stay outside, just like that guy's like, you want to finger her ass. Don't put your finger in your asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think that's really cool because I feel like you've demanded things like, I don't wanna put my mouth on stuff and I'm like, hey bro, I just came from a hike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My crotch smells like a zoo. Do you think you could not put your mouth on my parts right now? Can we make an appointment and then you can do this when I'm clean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brain didn't, it's funny because my brain didn't, when I was in college and stuff, I never sucked a guy's stuff just willy nilly. I've never, do you know that I've never put my mouth on just a rogue, uh, peener? I've never, not once, not like a stranger's dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that the biggest deterrent of them all, the smell and the taste of the asshole?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's not possible for you, cause I know where this is going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is all for you, but you don't have a cleanness. There's no way you can because of the amount of hair and sweat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not possible with you. You're so hairy. Hairy and gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I just generally, I engage in practices where there's like no, I don't have to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it just sounds like it's a lot, like I have to find out if this person has STDs, I have to find, I have to clean their asses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I would prefer to do it on somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I wait until I'm not pregnant? I don't wanna do- I'll throw up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a whole genre of porn, right? For sure it is. Pregnant lady eating some guy's butt. I'm sure. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got, I clearly, but like I said, like, do we need another sexpert in the world? I feel like you could just Google this shit. How do I eat ass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This to me feels pretty intuitive. I mean, except for the blowing thing. That's a good tip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, don't eat, don't literally eat someone's ass. It's kind of intuitive. No shit. You're gonna chew someone's beehole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, you know, just like squeeze your butt cheeks and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have felt the heat that comes out of that region with you. Like I can just imagine like the heat of that and the hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know what I think is the most, Yana, compelling, uh, evidence?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Against your poo, your alleged poo pile is the way that you described the setup. Now, I would like one of our listeners to go back into the vaults and maybe dig up the audio the first time you described


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly how the poo pile went because I'm pretty sure you've described it differently. No. Yep. It wasn't, this time you said there was a, uh, uh, steps hammered to a tree. Yeah, that's true. The first time you just said, you said it was a ladder. It was a makeshift ladder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope, that to me is a tree ladder. That's a specific thing. It's a tree that we put steps on. It's a tree. In essence, it's a tree that you guys are shit out of, but there was no mention of a tree up until this last time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't, I don't recall any mention of a tree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yana, allow me to present Casey's testimony. If May quote him verbatim. Now, you presented the poo pile last week's drawing such that there were steps nailed on a tree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as you put it, a makeshift ladder. Now, Mr. Casey in his testimony right now said, we had the ladder


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's saying there's a separate ladder kind of back. He's not saying there's a separate ladder. Quote, and I quote, we had the ladder kind of back where the tree was. So now in Casey's reminiscence, recollection if you will, about the poo pile, there was a ladder kind of back where the tree was. Now in your drawing last week,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I'm saying this, you had individual steps like a treehouse nailed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So one person's holding in their shit and coaching the other. This is, uh, first of all, this is the first time you've ever mentioned this scenario. Happens all the time. In the last 14 years. Happened all the time. All the time. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying that right now, Casey's testimony of what it even physically looked like doesn't sound like what you drew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, you, you think that the person who now lives in this place maintained this ridiculous thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what's good about the Try It Out shirt is that it's kind of the inside joke, it's work friendly, it's kid friendly. Yeah, you can wear it anywhere. Nobody's going to be offended or, you know, creeped out. Just try it out. It's very life affirming, very positive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's interesting, Tom, is that the Tried Out Guy has made his rounds into our heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over and over and over again. And before you left for this last trip to Atlanta, we kind of rediscovered him as a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like some clips that over time they kind of unfold and give us more and more meaning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know when you're, like you lay in bed at night and you sometimes think of a conversation you're going to have with somebody the next day and you're kind of lining up your arguments, like that's what he's been doing. He's been sitting on this for a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Building like a treehouse ladder and then hanging off of it and pooing in the same pile together. What do you think of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know, I didn't like her approach to the ask. It was like, how did it go again? Do you mind if I make out with your butt while you masturbate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, isn't it just a piece of plastic that you put over a vagin or an a-hole? And then you- That's how you- Your tongue is actually licking- Your tongue licks plastic. Yeah. Or rubber, or latex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does she ever get jealous? Cause you also have a lot of really good looking women in your videos and you're, you know, singing about like hot chicks. Like is she, how'd you meet her? Is she into this stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We always do. You're like the women that come up to me when the guys ask for pictures. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the first song you wrote? Do you remember when you were 11?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People have been doing this horseshit for a long time. This is a whole bullshit racket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The free form. Also because there's no structure to it, the fact that there's no at all structure, it kinda doesn't make it a song, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what bothers me the most? Cause I don't know much about country music, but I just find him to be so insincere and such a fucking phony baloney.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what happens. What I know is that yeaah, you're supposed to be real and you keep it real even if you have like millions of dollars. And I just, I just don't sense that from him. I just, I don't connect. I, I don't know. He seems like he's a sociopath Karma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet they get their early in party. Make it a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, who's swinging kids around when they get hammered? I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I got upset on Wikipedia. It says I was born in Toronto, Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is not true. I'm proud Windsor native. Windsor, Ontario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys might do like Riverside or San Bernardino, right? Outside LA a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I once opened up for Ted Nugent way back in the day and he had, he played like near Riverside or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I think that's the advantage of doing the donut holes is that you can train two at a time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that might be an unfair thing. What if crumbs leave and then now that contributes to it being a lesser donut. That's an interesting point. Less volume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can get them wet and shove them. Now do we want to allow, that's a good point, Wheeler. Do we want to allow water, dunking in milk or whatever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're right. I think that Burt tends to go in excess. He's going to do the Mickey Mantle gene thing and like really cramps up his ear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm a, I am worried about you. I mean, you, I think it's a certainty that you're gonna get sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One every 20 seconds, maybe, is realistic. Tom, I think the key is to be realistic here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, jean. One of the things I think we haven't even mentioned, jean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These episodes are happening, uhm, at a pace that is different than normal because of this movie schedule. So like right now when you're hearing this episode, I'm shooting my DPs, my boy-boy-girls, my boy-girl-boy-girls. Your scenes, is what they call them. My scenes, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was on, uh, what was it, Twitch? And uhm, streaming thing, and people can comment. What really jumped it off was this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get it girl. I like it. I like, by the way, I don't think I've ever heard, go fuck your mom, and when you fuck your mom, tell her to shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can let her say what she said. That's her opinion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here in the United States, I don't know where she's from, but here in the United States, um, you can't, you can't talk like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know actually. I don't know where she's from. Cambodia? I don't know. I need to polish up on some of my Asian dialects.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, we can talk about our show now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of good stuff happening. Where is it? I had it here for a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so that's our, uhm, reality show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, it's a series. I mean, it has a run. It's on Netflix here in the US. I say that because we have a worldwide audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy. Anyways, the show is Age Gap Love, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my goodness, I thought it was a one-off because that's kind of how it was presented. This is just tackling one subject. And then I hit more episodes and there's a whole season. I'm so obsessed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the reason that I'm so obsessed is this, the show is permission.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The young people are gross. The whole thing is just gross. And I have so much fun just hating them the whole time. Oh, I think that's gonna be our guest one second. Alright, uhm, our guest is here. He is, uh, fueling up, uh, with caffeine. He said he refused to come on unless he had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we get into, you know, it's usually like kind of background music. Like you don't have to focus on that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this one, I am so into studying, and I also love making a list as it goes on of who's grosser, like who would you like to fuck less? Yeah, we pause frequently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you how we could do it. We just say this podcast is going to accompany episode 2 of Age Got Loved and then you press play on it here and we have a different feed and then you just talk as you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The new champion of grossness, cause every episode you introduce new older people and we're like, that person is disgusting. So there's a guy now who is like the champ of gross. I don't think which one you feel it, cause we differ on who is grosser. No, no, he had the really long white hair and he used to be a minister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so nasty. And his, his, uh, so age, you know, this age gap is 40 plus years or something. And she's like, pretty nice looking gal. Normal. Yeah. And she's like, yeah, uh, they start talking about the makeover that he's, you go, oh, she's going to give him a makeover. And he's like, no, no, no, this is him post makeover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and she's like, and his breath is like passable now, and you're like, oh my god. I mean, he is so, so gnarly, and this poor girl is, she's like fucking 30 or something, and they have five kids running around the house. I just love


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was just, you know what I think it was? Cause they met in church. I think it was, there was some type of power dynamic. She saw that he was the minister, so she sees him in front of the church. He's a father figure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It's astounding. It's really crazy. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you were right about this. This is one of my favorite people in the thing is that that guy I thought was less physically gross, but he is creepier. There's a creep factor. There's a creep factor because there's something he's disguising with that aw shucks bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a, it's, cause you know, you know he's preying upon this. She is, uh, now 22. They met when she was like fucking 18. And you know, he's like, ah, shucks. There's some bullshit there. So that's scarier for that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is a troll. She's a idiot. And something's really fucked up with that guy. Yeah, he's weird too. He's on some type of spectrum because he doesn't, it's not, the eyes are not registering regular emotions and he's like, and then I saw her and we kissed and we kissed and she keeps, she's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, she's, dude, it's gnarly. He's touched. He's touched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's touched. He's really touched. He's definitely R-worded. And she's taking advantage of that. He's pedicuring those horrendous fucking mops on her. It's just gross, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would do that for you, but you don't, but here's the truth, you don't look like that and that's why I would do that for you. Thank you. If you looked like her, I'd just file papers, I'd just serve you. Babe. I mean, she's so disgusting. She is disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hilarious. That's the last thing I would have thought. So I'm like, uh, but actually that's the one I have to bring up whenever somebody goes, what's his name? I have to go like, you know, like Ellis Island. They're like, yeah. I'm like, okay, that's his name. Say Ellis like the island. Yeah, Ellis like the island. I like it. That's a great name. He's a great kid. Yeah, he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you've also, you've done, I mean London, but you've done all over Asia, the South Pacific.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, can I ask you this, cause I wanna know if this happens to you, when you step into a whole other country, in other words, whether it's a European country, Asia, do you have first show anxiety of like, is this gonna work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what you're addicted to in a way. It is actually. That's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah. Irish audiences are just down for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's seen as like an American quality, the bravado and the like. And then I saved the day is an American thing. And like the British sentiment would be like, and then I fucked up the day for everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing I do not like about the festivals and the overseas, uhm, comedy scene, like the one thing, I do not like the idea of reviews all the time. I really don't, cause you don't have any exposure to it when you're kinda US based, like you do shows everywhere, no one ever does a fucking like, you know, I mean, once in a blue moon, maybe some,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] City beat blog will be like, I went to the show and they kind of do, but like when you start doing some of these festivals and you see all out, um, I think it's just such a departure from what I'm used to. I was never a fan of that. Even if it's like a nice review, you're still like, I don't know. It just feels like you shouldn't be doing a write-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are you? I've seen some of those, by the way, that are absurd. Cause one place you do see the review here, stateside, is colleges. I've done colleges, and the reviews, it's not even that they're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're critical. It's so bad. Just such terrible writing because it's just like a freshman, uh, you know, journalists. It'll be like, I went to see Tom Segura at our student performing arts center. He opened with a joke about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How cold it was here. The joke went like this. I thought it was very funny. He next tackled these topics. Some of them, like, and it's very just, you know, stating a fact, stating a fact, stating the line, stating review. And it's like, you're putting that out into the internet memory bank. It's just, it's terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gave away the joke. Then he would do like, quote, like long things. You're like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I roll my eyes at every top 10 list. Like as if anyone, here's the thing, everybody can write a top 10 list and technically everyone's right because it's your fucking top 10 list. But the idea that we would make one person's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's only, I mean, the only ones that are pretty much, they're spot on is if it has single digit, uhm, approval. Like, if it's like 8% of people like this movie, it might be dog shit. But if it's, if it's 35%,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could be a decent movie, just some people, you know, just didn't resonate with their sensibilities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, they made this big push now, but now every category has like 10 nominees. Oh yea. That's too many nominees man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And hearing him talk about, like, I love, uh, Jordan Peele saying that he started and stopped writing this movie like 20 times. Yeaah. You know? And, and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so, uh, disappointed in so many movies. You know, I mean, you go into movie, you want, you want to be surprised. You want to have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing I love about Get Out is just so many layers and so many elements of surprise. Like you're, you're constantly like, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This means that and this, you know, like you're, the fact that you could watch a movie and be surprised so many times, captivated by the story, that's what to me was like the most amazing thing about that film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, so sorry, people have emailed that a few, uh, weeks ago, they were blown away by your chicken noises, that you do a really good chicken noise. Uhm, I guess you did one on the show, and I'm so used to your chicken calling that it didn't really stand out, but they-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To uhm, tie this all together, I mean, people are asking... Oh, they're hankering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No I cannot. When you travel, you traveled Europe so, so much, did you ever meet this guy? Yeah. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we have Rhodes SS? Yea. Which offer though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh yeaah. You wanna go all classic on em? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, ehm, tell me if you, uh, I dunno, if you're down with this, or if you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, cause you always, you said that, well now you have a place to live, but if you ever travel again and you need a place to live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And see, like, buildings shake, windows shatter, and the next morning I would call my parents, you know, in the U.S., and I'd be like, yeah, they, you know, Shiny Path set off a 2,000 pound bomb yesterday, and they're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not know that. That's some like really rural shit though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh. No, they got, I mean, that, that, that organization's long gone, man. No, I know. Abimael Guzman is the leader of the Shining Path. He's in prison for life. He's there. In an island prison like they're Alcatraz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that, that when you're in Machu Picchu and you see these, you know, 15 foot, 5,000 pound stones and they're laying flush with another stone and all they can do is hypothesize about like there is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they took you to the sacrificial chamber. They used to just slaughter people. Cool. Everything is positioned so that, you know, you can worship the sun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, in the house, uh, that I was staying in with my uncle and my cousins and aunt lived, uh, they had this, a window that was like an old school. It was like, like a hundred and fifty pound. Try Amazon. I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was like a 150 pound window that you had to, you used a crank, right? And then it would like go, mmmm, it would open by a crank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was, it was national news, I mean it was international news, cause you know, the Shining Path movement was growing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're like, your uncle is a target. Cause the, the Shining Path would target people with influence, you know? So they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, did you know that, uh, one of our guys, this guy here, who's also legendary on our show,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So he's been featured on the program a few times and he's back. This is a, uh, yeah. Oh, and we have an update. Well, he has a, uh, I guess this is just a commentary that he has on a topic that is, uh, important to us. Betcha his view counts have gone way up recently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think my favorite thing though is that he really thinks he cracked a case with this. He's like, nah, if you don't have cavities anymore, where are you going to make your money?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you, uh, how's it been by the way? We haven't seen you in a while, but how do you feel being housed now? Oh yeaah. You went 10 years without a permanent address.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I want to know with all this traveling when she was with you. How often did she go to the show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, like, I get anxiety being in the room of a show, period. It doesn't even matter if it's real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only thing that would happen now would be is like, you know, because we know each other so well, it's been so long and it's such like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then it's like we put on like work brain. It's not, I'm not, I don't feel like I'm watching my wife. It's like I'm watching. It's a disassociation. Yeah, disassociating and then we're like, we're talking about a bit, but just for like the joy of watching it, I can't even, I can't even do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if I have a spot at the store tonight, if I go there and they're like, I'll find out when am I up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're up in, you know, 20 minutes. Someone's on stage right now. I'll pop in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're a better comedian. The only time, I'll tell you this, the only time I do feel inclined to like, oh, pay attention, pay attention, is if someone is ripping the room before me. That will make me, but I'm doing that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not for my own curiosity, I'm doing that to be able to be effective and know what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With all the touring and all the years you've been doing it, have you ever thought about how many hours you've probably written or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what the, but the weird thing is, they're really, everybody will have a theory and that nobody is 100% right, cause there is no formula. If we all knew the formula for sure, then everyone would just be like, oh just do this. But that's the thing, it's like you just don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, sometimes it's something online, like people start selling tickets off of viral videos now, you know? Oh yea. I mean, you can just do something that just blows up online, all of a sudden that sells tickets. Sometimes it's more traditional, it's TV, it's movie, or it's a special that really resonates with an audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even that you just don't know it. There's no formula. That's the most, I don't know, frustrating part, but that's the part that if there was an answer, you know, it's like trying to, how do you make a movie be a blockbuster hit? And they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. Yeah, yeah, it's true. I guess. No, it's true. It's true. It comes from having a devotion to being a real- that's what a fan does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a, I did a guest set there when I was, I was in town for a festival a few years back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I got to do like a guest set there, which was really fun. That was it. That's the most.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just had to cancel if I was going to do Sydney next month. Why'd you cancel? Because I booked that movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like a good reason to have to cancel? Yeah, but it's fucking my second cancellation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just bummed because here's the thing, now I wanna do, I wanna rebook Australia, but I cannot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. But, I don't know what, like, so I wanna book something without a lot of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A heads up, in other words, I wanna be like, hey man, can we try to book Australia for like eight weeks from now? So that I know that I can definitely do it. Right. But I don't know if they'll go for that. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually asked to go and, uh, the promoters were like, uh, we don't think you should add, uh, New Zealand to this. And I was like, why? And they're like, cause...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that big of a market and you're not that big of a name. And I was like, all right. I just thought it'd be fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I was like, okay, so I'll just leave it as it. I mean, there was there. That's what I'm talking about. Like after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were saying, we were saying that like, they'll start saying things to you, like they'll go, uh, and then, uh, this is the offer you're gonna get, and, uh, somebody in your position should be pretty happy with that offer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not only that, the real job of a real club is that they are supposed, you're supposed to deliver the thing on stage. And like you do what you can in your podcast or you post that you're coming somewhere, but they are your promoter. That's the job. They are the promoter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you're supposed to also be the PR person. What you're doing is like extra as far as promoting, but they're supposed to promote your show and they're supposed to be creative in ways to get people to come to that show, you know? And so when they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you didn't sell tickets. I feel like, nah, you didn't sell tickets. Because you were supposed to let people. What did you do? You sent out an email once or something? Why don't you be a little more proactive about this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the club, the club held, let's say 350, and I had a bonus that would kick in regardless if it were, uh, free or paid tickets. And I had paid tickets. The bonus would kick in at 300, so as long as there were 300 people in the room, I would get the bonus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had like between $285 and $295 at every show, but paid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Anything? Yeah. And then I called the agent, I was like, what kind of fucking deal is that? I sold tickets. Hard tickets. Right. And then, but I didn't get that magic number, and they're like, we'll get them next time. Next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a place in town here where the guy would, they don't pay, they don't pay you for spots. And he would pull up, he'd be like, we can't pay you for spots. He'd pull up in like a new Lexus. Yea, that's why I can't pay. Yea, you can't, you can't dish everybody 15 bucks for a set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, what the fuck, he's like, well, you know, I'm giving you what you pay for, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, but like those, those cold places in the, if you sell tickets there in the summer, they're like, all right, you're legit. But they expect to have more empty seats in the summer. And the idea that they'd be like, and that means we're not going to pay you as much is, yeah, so it's the business where it's the shittiest man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the water, the light. She really broke through that conspiracy though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Tom, they, uh, do you have dates listed on your site? I do, yea, of course. Uhm, let's, uh, let's go through, because this, we are doing, uhm, well that's hardcore pornography, we have, uh, Not on my site. No, no, no, not on yours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this episode will drop in a few weeks, that's why I'm kind of- Oh. So, you might have just missed, uh- Tom and Sacramento. Yeah, Tom and Sacramento.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's March 15 through 17. He's at the punchline. Maybe we can, we can swap an episode. Do this one, trade out the other one. Doesn't matter, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it out. Uhm, try it out. Uh, then he's gonna, holy shit, he's gonna be in Thailand, Vietnam, the Philippines, Jesus, Hong Kong, uh, later in Austin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in Vegas at Brad Garrett's, Lake Tahoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's doing, uh, oh, the great Tacoma club. We've both done that and enjoyed that. It's a great room. Uh, Spokane. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I've done that. It's great. I've done LOL. Looks like you're doing LOL in San Antonio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be awesome. When you do Paris, is it mostly expats? I mean it's obviously...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of behavior is that? He's like, well, I drink several bottles of wine every day. So that's A, contributes to him gaining that much weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, he's just like, so my behavior's just kind of erratic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that guy doesn't want to pay his taxes. When you pull it up over the belly button, that's when you're committed to the lifestyle. You know, you don't sit it below the gut line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, he, uhm, yeaah, he's, uh, where's the, uh, what was that movie, Jane? It was in a film, and he was naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is hilarious. They're all French dicks. French dicks. Dominique Strauss-Kahn, yea. Uhm, oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, well he played a character that was like him, like him, but they mimicked the story, you know, and uhm, yeaah. What a gut that that guy had. That was a gut man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's booze man, that's just hard, hard booze. Uhm. Shit. TomRoads.net and that's R-H-O-D-E-S.net slash Tor. Try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now if you don't know what this is, I want you to be, don't be, don't be alone. Oh, I've seen this guy do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I'm from Rochester, it's like a medium sized town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think it kind of depends. My dad was a surgeon, so surgeons are basically completely not helpful for anything at all. Like if I ask, if I say something like, I have a cold, my dad's like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take this, try, it's just nothing, there's no...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unless it, unless it can be fixed with a knife, it's something you can't fix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a colon rectal surgeon. Get the fuck out of here!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. That's what he says to shit. Yikes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, maybe it makes you a sociopath because you have to be that way because if you don't, if you have like an attachment to your patients and your surgeon, it's like you wouldn't be able to handle that shit. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before, back when they still allowed that, like allowed family to watch an operation. Now they don't allow that shit anymore. It's like, it's really locked down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot of administration there, but when you see it, it doesn't seem gross at all. There's like a real disconnect between, if you watch someone getting, having surgery at home on TV, it's 10 times more gross and makes you more squeamish than if you were just there. Cause if you were there, it's kinda like, it's normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is a while ago. Okay, so this is before the ban. Yeah, yeah. This is pre-ban.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. It's highly ironic. I had, I actually had, uh, had colitis. Oh wow. Yeah. Yeah. And my colon removed too, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah. I know, it's nuts. That was a long time ago. It was about 17, maybe 17 years ago or so. That sounds so rare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess so. Yeah, it's super rare and weird, but it's also just, uhm, I don't know. The irony too, your father. The irony is incredible. It's really deep. It's really strange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was weird because I knew everyone in his department, right? Because we grew up together and had the CNRS picnic, which stands for colon rectal surgery picnic that you never put on a sign because no one wants to go to the colon rectal surgery picnic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I guess so. I mean, I was sick for a long time, so it wasn't like something where, it was more like a relief kind of thing. I don't know, something about surgery, it's so overwhelming that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I'm trying to think. I don't remember it that well in terms of that stuff. I think, uh, he said some stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you have, uh, you want the full download? Okay. Okay, what happens is, you have, well, in my case at least, they were able to do something where they basically reroute it back through your asshole again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's two surgeries. The first surgery, they take the colon out and they establish, uhm, you have like a stoma, you have like a, you know, you poop out of your, out of your abdomen. Cause everything has to heal up. What they do is they take the ending of your small intestine and they make something called a J pouch cause it's the shape of a J.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that is your new sort of like rectum. Like your rectum, everyone thinks rectum is actually your anus, but your rectum is technically like, sort of like the loading dock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the second one's not as bad, and they reconnect everything, and then, you know, when you wake up, they're like, once your bowels wake up, cause your bowels will go to sleep, if they get touched,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds so weird, but if you touch your bowels, like, if you were somehow able to go inside your abdomen and touch your bowels, they just go, they just stop. They stop working for like 24 hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, mucus still comes out. So you still like shit every once in a while. You're like, what's that feeling you have to shit? And it feels really weird the first time you do it. It's just like cause your body produces fluids in any sort of negative space and you gotta get them out so you shit out like some mucus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a weird thing. It's terrible. Like, the colostomy bag is one of those things that is, uh, it's the worst thing. But it's also kind of deeply fascinating because it's so fucking bad. It's so terrible. It's like this thing where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I had uhm, the other crazy thing about a colostomy bag is that the waste that comes out, it's not like regular shit. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like a little, sometimes you're like a little gurgling, or maybe nothing at all. But either way, it's, it's kind of, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always liken it to, if you went to a sausage factory and walked in before they were finished making it, it's like, this is the worst part. It's worse than what they start with and it's obviously worse than the ending because you're like interrupting a natural process and so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, we're not done yet! It's fucking terrible. It's like, yeah. I mean, uh, it's something where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you could have, if you could bottle that, you could clear out, you could clear a space out pretty quickly. Jesus Christ. If you brought it on an airplane, it would have to land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like maybe, maybe. Well yea, cause they just did it this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I kinda like religiously do it, but it's not, I don't think about it. I'm just like, I know. What can't you eat? Like, what's the diet? I mean, uhm, anything that's greasy or, uh, I mean, for me, my favorite thing, I love buffalo wings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when I eat them, it's like this thing where I'm either hurting myself because I've done something wrong and I need to be punished, or I'm like, okay, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know there's gonna be hell to pay for this, but it's gonna taste really good right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, having consistent customer service problems because you're treated like a child and a first timer, uhm, for anything you possibly do, even though you're older than the person carting you, guaranteed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I- Gosh. That, but there are, sometimes it is good because I feel like people won't be, uh, won't be mean to me. Hell yeah. Like, I can get away with a lot of, I can get away with a lot of shit. You know what I can get away with is being an idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I can, I can plead, uhm, like if I'm at an airport, a lot of times I will, uh, steal a bottle of water.