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[Assistant] Yeah, absolutely agree. I mean, that's why you could look at someone and be like, oh yeah, that's a fucking-


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[Assistant] I think he's just very learned, you know, he's trying to cover the bases. I mean, we all know that by blood he is still fucking Jewish and kosher.


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[Assistant] Or maybe you want to display your publisher writing or your photographs or your rocks, you know, whatever you want to put up there.


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[Assistant] Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. We're very excited. We hope that you are enjoying your day. It might be early if you started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right up when this episode drops, there's a new drop schedule, everything comes out at 6am pacific, so.


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[Assistant] 6am specific, and uhm, yeaah, 9am on the east coast. Uhm, it should be a very celebratory mood, because even though it hasn't happened yet for us here, we know that the live show


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Made me anxious with how much we had going on and like, you know, made it like that's an exciting thing. We were like, we're gonna cut from this guest.


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[Assistant] To this prepackaged thing, we shot a bunch of original content, if you saw it, which was, I don't know, that was a thrill. You know, we wrote it, shot it, edited it, we had, we had to hire, you know, extra editors, extra producers, a whole team of people, nine or ten actors. It was a whole ordeal.


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[Assistant] It's a recurring issue on YMH originals that people who are starving to perform look at our stuff and go, I'm good. I don't want to do that.


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[Assistant] They just, you do what you want. As long as you're a green and you're an adult, you can do it.


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[Assistant] That everybody gave me a hard time about. I was like, man, I feel real, I feel bad about this.


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[Assistant] Well, that's, you know, they have a point and also I think it's even funnier because we make a living speaking on multiple platforms and I kind of feel like saying


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[Assistant] Unprompted. Well, let's get into the show. We have great clips, great talking stuff. We're so excited for today. Let's share with you and we have a great, great, great, great guest. So let's do it. You ready to get the show going? I'm ready, jeans. Here we go.


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[Assistant] And she, the way that she's saying it too, she's so confident in it. She's saying this like I say badly, okay? Like she's like, I know I'm right.


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[Assistant] Really into reading, but, yeah, her logic is, uh, you know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, maybe just stop making analogies. That's also something I would do.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I know. She's a woman. Stupid women. Fucking women.


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[Assistant] Saint George, I don't know where that is. I don't know where that is. Saint George, could that be a...


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[Assistant] By the way, I wanted to point that out before I forget if I have it here. Uhm, yeaah, this Hen Dog mix, you know, it ended episode, I think, 5, 6, 8. I mean, that is the autotune one. Yes, yeaah, oh my god. Don't be stingy.


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[Assistant] And, and actually telling me Leo's speech and it's so bizarre. She's like, oh, Mark, I just want to spend so much time with you and just make you feel like you're the only one kiss you and leaves me messages like that and like texts me that stuff.


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[Assistant] I was getting out of the car, so I was like, hold on, I gotta take it off Bluetooth, and then I, like, the, you know, the guy's like, hey, welcome, and I was like, hi, and she was like, I'll make you come, and...


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[Assistant] Mark, or Leo, cause he goes, okay, you come. So every time someone goes, okay, I just go like.


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[Assistant] I think it has to happen. And here's why. I know that, you know, nipples are a bit, you know, real big for some people. Like, I don't mean just like, they're really into it. One of my friends, he's like, he and his girl, he's like, every time that they hook up, she on his nipples. Always. Playing with it. So it makes sense. I mean, that's just what it is.


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[Assistant] Loving you and kissing you. It sounds like his next expression is, you know, oh, it just freaked out on me. Ah, it does this.


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[Assistant] There are certain people that you should never joke about.


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[Assistant] They're just off limits. You can laugh about other things, you can joke about other things, but there's 16 or 18 categories where I just, I never want to hear a joke about it. Alright?


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[Assistant] It's not funny that a half unidentifiable man-woman thing is a caricature of you. I don't like it. It's funny instinctively, but when I think about it and I think about what, what it could mean to somebody else, then I realized not to laugh. Good, Tom. That's really the win. Good for you. That is the win.


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[Assistant] My favorite thing was, uh, so in the NFL right now, they're airing, they're, they're pumping in fake, the stadiums are empty. So they're pumping fake crowd noise into the stadium and onto TV. So you're watching the game and you hear like, but then you look up, there's no one there.


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[Assistant] Well, I just said that it was gay. And I think that uhm, my favorite thing...


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[Assistant] Was going into that, uhm, into the responses to that.


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[Assistant] No, no, that was different. But this was my favorite response to saying that that crowd noise thing was so gay. It takes me a second because there was...


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[Assistant] You know what that's called? People with a sense of humor that are still around. Laughing about things that, you know, that you can laugh at.


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[Assistant] Hickory, North Carolina. Which is not like, don't think it's like, po-dunk.


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[Assistant] All hillbillies around. It had everything, right? But like, it had like, people that were sophisticated. It did have country people. It's a nice small town.


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[Assistant] We would go, uh, Saturdays were usually like a party night obviously in a small college town. And then, Sunday.


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[Assistant] There was this guy, cause we would repeatedly see it, you'd go out and go to Bojangles or something to get, you know, something to eat. There was a dude who would drive in this small town in a pickup truck with like one of those 20 foot confederate flags. He would just drive through town.


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[Assistant] So you're, you would just be like out. There he is! Yea, and you're like, there's the guy. There's the guy. And you would just drive around.


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[Assistant] He's just driving by. He's just reminding you about the confederacy. He's like, oh, uh.


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[Assistant] Here's the compelling argument against that though. It really is. It's pretty concise. Because you can be like it signifies southern pride. Which is, you know, you can say that.


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[Assistant] Right, right, but here's why that argument doesn't hold up.


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[Assistant] The civil war is only fought for one reason only. To keep slaves. Like that's what the Confederacy wanted to do. We want to keep slaves. That's what they're fighting over. So if you go like, yeah, but it's about pride. It's about pride in keeping slaves.


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[Assistant] If I could run this operation with all slaves, I'm, I mean, I'm for it. It would be great. I would bring them on. I would love nothing more than to beat Nadav into a bloody pulp. Me too.


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[Assistant] Set him on fire, crack his spine, put him in a chair and be like, switch the boards and google. But there's all these fucking stupid rules in California which is why we're getting the fuck out of here.


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[Assistant] I get that. Keeping a woman tied up in a shed.


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[Assistant] This is what the North Korean, the North Korean labor camp guards would do. They would rape the girls.


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[Assistant] It works! If you're looking for a system that works. That's true. You gotta give a lot of credit to Kim Jong Un and the country he's set up.


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[Assistant] We did it. Okay, then we go, we have, uh, dinner. Yeah.


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[Assistant] It's true. Didn't love the sheets. And here's what's a lot of times, if I'm, um, if I'm, if I'm awake, like four or five AM and I want to go to sleep, I give myself a little tug.


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[Assistant] My jack chart here. Uhm, I think I got about eight or nine more to go.


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. I'm pretty excited about it. So, just gotta...


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[Assistant] You know, basically any time you feel the need, you gotta get it out. And then, and then I can, uhm, go no goalie.


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[Assistant] You, when touring resumes on the road, you know what I mean? Strangers, people you just say, meet and greets. Hey, what's your name? Dump Clips. Yeah, Bend Over. This is gonna go, there's nothing to worry, you won't get pregnant, you don't have to cry. Stuff like that. Cry.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. The Hendoff. Don't Be Stingy remix. Really fantastic stuff, man.


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[Assistant] By the way, I think you made a really good point here. Oh boy. I don't wanna know. No, you said this, that, you know, Trump has essentially taken a, like, it's not a flat-out endorsement, but a sort of endorsement from Rogan, and it looks like Biden is kinda winking at us. Yep. Like that's what it seems like. Yes. So... Yep.


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[Assistant] I don't know if you remember about a month or so ago, we were able to find this, it's sort of like uhm, you know, if you watch baseball and like the, you know, the third base coach might give a little signal to the, it's like, it's like, it feels like it's a, it's a signal to us, you know.


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[Assistant] He's looking for, like, support, I think, from us. He's like, oh, is Trump getting Joe? Like, he's like, can I get maybe a little support from you guys?


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[Assistant] So what happens is, cause I've farted many times performing. So he's got a wireless mic, the mask on, they have raised the gain on that thing way, way, way up. Okay. You can even tell the way that it resonates in the room that it's not close to his mouth, but it's really loud in the room.


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[Assistant] Sometimes, you know, sometimes you get fooled. We've been fooled on this show. You know who we got fooled by?


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[Assistant] Uhm, oh, so this one is kind of interesting. We brought it up before and it looks like, uhm,


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[Assistant] Uh, and more people are weighing in on RPC. Hey Hitler, I saw the recent episode where a fan wrote in about misquoting RPC. For as long as you played that clip, I have known that you have been misquoting RPC but didn't want to be that guy.


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[Assistant] Since that guy was that guy, I'll have to be that guy too. RPC is actually saying get all with the all trailing off, as in get all of this. Sure. Remember RPC is a showman, it would not be so unprofessional as to let a sentence trail off with get all. So, I don't know.


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[Assistant] What did the last guy say? I don't hear it. Remember, last week, you said that the guy was saying, uhm, get, get, aw, again, aw. Oh, oh, again, right? Oh, again, oh.


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[Assistant] I think you all misinterpreted the honorable RPC. It's obvious to me that he's saying quiero, the Spanish word for I want and not oh oh and get off. Let's see if we hear quiero.


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[Assistant] And by the way, where does RPC live? Spanish Harlem.


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[Assistant] Uh, hey Hitlers, Glen is r-worded. RPC is clearly saying get all when he says, as in get all of it, all the comp.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean that's possible for sure. Very, very, very possible. Oh my god, we should show this, Jean. You wanna see this? Yeah.


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[Assistant] This email, uh, hey mommy, it's my boyfriend Chris's birthday was today. Birthdays usually make his dicks soft.


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[Assistant] So I got him a cake featuring our man Ed Asner. Given the picture is essentially of an old man ejaculating, there was some risk in getting this picture printed on a cake in a country governed by Sharia law. The UAE. We know that Christina can relate as she served some hard time in the Middle East. Sure did. Hashtag stolen valor.


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[Assistant] There's nothing we love more than getting into bed every night watching YMH. It literally got us through quarantine, potentially getting arrested at a bakery was the least I could do. Keep it high and tight. B and C. Look at this. Look at this.


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[Assistant] Unreal. Come on, Mark. Don't be stingy. Happy 35th birthday to Chris there. That is really... That's a nice cake. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Uhm, hey, I heard about complaints from listeners, says Subjeans, heard about complaints from listeners on the latest episode with the old men coming clips. I just wanted to chime in and say, keep it coming. I'm sure I speak for a lot of listeners when I say nothing makes me smile from ear to ear more than hearing Ed Asner audibly expressing himself and showing his love for Mark for two minutes, for two minutes straight uninterrupted.


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[Assistant] I say new proto should be to use headphones at work. Don't be stingy, listeners. Y'all take it easy. Austin.


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[Assistant] That's crazy. I've never even, I mean, that's wild that somebody would hear. I mean, that audio is pretty stunning. But for them to be like, there's somebody tied up in there. Let's set the police. Good lord. Wow.


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[Assistant] Well, that's awesome. Thanks so much for that. Check out this. This is a couple just having a good time during quarantine with a good old fashioned pillow fight. Okay?


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[Assistant] At first I was like, this could be a bit, but I'm like, that's, that's a pretty aggressive bit. That's crazy. Like, unless she's a stunt woman, you know, like that's, yeah.


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[Assistant] You watch your fucking mouth right now. I know where this is going. You know what? Shut up! You don't disrespect. Alright?


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[Assistant] I could never beat, obviously, like a pro male player, but like a woman player? Probably like another couple months I'll be ready.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? Alright, Tom. Cause they're women and they're not good.


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[Assistant] Yeah, most of these ladies I don't recognize. I could probably beat them.


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[Assistant] It's like, how long does a man have to train to be the woman? You know? A week. A couple months? I do.


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[Assistant] What if I'm in, what if I transition, okay, I transition to be a woman, I register, I'm good enough to play now on the, on the women's tour, and then during like a big major, like a finals match, Australian Open kind of thing, uhm, and also I don't shave my leg, like I go,


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[Assistant] You're just this and you're the wig. I have like, I have a ponytail but no hair on top, you know, uhm, and I got like one big tit and one kind of flat, but like on a big point, my cock falls out of my skirt and it's on, it's on international and they're like, oh, uh, Tammy Segura had a, uh,


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[Assistant] He's looking for an image of me as a woman. Yeah, that'd be really fun. Right before we break here, we do have a follow up. Do you remember this really, really, really cool guy?


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[Assistant] Okay, so, Dr. Drew pointed out, he goes, that is not a bandage you get at the doctor's office, it's a bandage you get at the hospital. So he goes, our man here might have, uh, you know, just kinda gotten out.


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[Assistant] Well, all I know, I haven't seen it, is that uhm, we have a follow-up video of this guy.


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[Assistant] Also, looks like we just got out of the shower, but there's nothing on the floor or in the room. Like he's just sitting on the ground. On concrete. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Ooh, ooh, the lick. So is this to a specific person though?


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[Assistant] Yeah. That's so true. This lady we played her a long time ago. Yeah. A long time ago and she said-


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[Assistant] There's a new video. This is like a recap of who she was.


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[Assistant] I know, and I just like, I was hoping that that would be the palette cleanser and it isn't, so I have to go to one that I know is.


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[Assistant] Really? Okay, well I think this is pretty great. Ready? Watch over here.


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[Assistant] Somebody got hit on a scooter and they go flying and they end up in the gutter. And then there's a, here's the follow up.


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[Assistant] But look, they have to take apart like the sidewalk.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's a silly thing. Let's go take a break here. We have to take a break, but I'll just play this one.


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[Assistant] We just did. Really? That's it. That's it. Oh, there it is. It's number eight. Nine. Sorry, it's number nine. Um, okay. And we'll take our quick break after this, okay? Yeah, I can't wait. Here we go.


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[Assistant] That was like a huge load that came out.


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[Assistant] Exactly, the entertainment value is really there.


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[Assistant] I will tell you this that I've had. I have had like, oh my god, I think I'm gonna like have a messy brown and you sit down on the toilet and it's a solid brown.


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[Assistant] That's, that's unique. Sometimes you're like, oh wow, I thought this was gonna, like all the internal signals were one way. Sure. But, you know. Uh, well let's take our quick break, okay? And we'll be back in a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is also brought to you by WHOOP! It's 2020, an awesome year, if there ever has been one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we all want to live healthier lifestyles. It's great to have this little device on my arm 24 7 giving me insight into what my body is doing, what my body needs and how it's responding to what I'm doing. You input.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, I put in like, oh, did I have a drink last night? Did I exercise? Well, it kind of automatically does that. It tells you, it knows like what sport I played. It knows that I played tennis. It knows that I boxed. It knows that I weight lifted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It tells me when to go to sleep, which I find to be one of the most important


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, aspects of the whoop. I love the sleep coach where it tells you for you to be at your best. You usually need this much sleep. You should try to get to bed soon and I actually listen to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For our listeners, whoop is offering 15% off with the code, your mom at checkout. Go to whoop.com enter your mom at checkout to save 15% get to know yourself on a deeper level, unlock yourself with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back, we're so excited to bring


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[Assistant] Yes, I mean, a great comic outright, but the way that you work a crowd, I mean, I've told this story before, but I remember early on, you know, I wasn't a regular at the store, but I would get, I would work those shows in the Belly Room. And sometimes, like, the shows would have, like, 11 people at it.


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[Assistant] You guys, I remember walking out of the bathroom one time backstage. They, they, they was sponsored by Nando's, which is like their chicken, right? So we would have the, every time, every night. Perry Perry sauce. Perry Perry. I walk out of the bathroom and Ian is standing there and I go.


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[Assistant] I just shit like pools of blood. And he goes, you serious? And I go, yeaah. And he goes, you have stomach cancer.


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[Assistant] Get out! Get out! Walk with freedom! There was so many, we would go for like...


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[Assistant] The one that you got was, that was the biggest one where I was like, I don't know how you'll make this work, but you were like, seeing those guys with their dyed beards, they look like orangutans. And you were saying it to staff and they were like laughing, but they were like, definitely don't do that on stage. And you're like, nah, I'll do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had suggested something about him dying and they were like, well how did you know that? And I was like, no I'm just saying, like if he's dead in there, then...


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[Assistant] You know, I'm assuming and they're like, why are you assuming that? And I go, I don't know, man. Like, I'm just saying.


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[Assistant] I was with my sister and she was like, you see something, it was a one way street, so we had to go back around. Is this in LA? No, this is in Florida. And in the field, and what happened was what she had seen was a light that when we got closer, it was a motorcycle laying on its side in grass and the light was coming, the headlight was still on and then like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I touch him here, and as I touch him, like, three times I just hear, uuuh. I was like, oh.


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[Assistant] I go, you were in an accident? I'm like, I'm not speaking, you know, coherently. She's screaming, I go, just call 911. And as he sits up, his head flaps open. Cause he wasn't wearing a helmet. Of course, Florida. Yeah. And then, and then I was like, you're gonna be fine.


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[Assistant] And they met a vacuum, I mean they had a helicopter laying in the field. Did he survive? Uh, yeaah, he did. Cause they sent me a subpoena to appear in his DUI case. What? Threw that in the trash. Right? Yeah, no doubt. Why would they subpoena you? Because I was a witness to the aftermath, I guess. No, you weren't. You were not a witness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love, I love Vancouver, I've always told you that. Yeah, Vancouver's fantastic. I've never really been, I mean, obviously you fly over Victoria Island, and you, you know, I've spent a lot, I mean, for a comic touring, I feel like that's one of my, well you sell a huge amount.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do now, but I'm saying early on, even before that. Winnipeg's your favorite place, speaking of which. You hit me up that night. That night, you were like, what happened? I'm like, you okay? Yeah. Cause it was like, you know, this is like before trending would really take off and people were still like, you got to see this guy. Wow. Like people were.


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[Assistant] I love that the analogy that people make for that with bands when you're like, I'm not going to look at who's playing tonight, but I'm going to show up and if it's not the music I like, I'm going to be pissed about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They used to, then they gave them, there was a minute where the, uh, Funny Bones were giving select audience members a digital, like, uh, you know, device, like a tablet, and they were like, what'd you think of the comedian, the material, the feature, the food, the lighting, have them rate, and I'm like, why are you doing that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't really want to say it, but it was in Baltimore. It doesn't exist. I'm on stage and they have a door between the showroom and the kitchen. They prop it open. So during the show you hear, Melissa! Melissa!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they had, in like, in between like the two, they have a, around the venue, complete


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like square bar that goes all the way around the interior. So for a music show, you're like, it's perfect, right? So the guy goes, uh, look, we got this bar. It's, it's what we do here. We're a bar and we, you're here disrupting the bar, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we're gonna have the bar open until the moment the show starts. If you're cool with it, we'd like to keep it open during the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, you know, we'll really keep it, it won't be disruptive, but it would really, we would really like that. So I go, okay, like if you're saying it won't disrupt the show, then let's do it. So we do the first show and it's just like, it's like a construction site.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so. The dishwasher is in there as well. Oh my god. And then, and of course people will be like, hey man, where's that tequila? And like you're just yelling at it. So show's over and I go, hey, uh, for this second show, we're going to shut down that bar. And he goes, really? And I go, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so amazing, and I'm not exaggerating this. It was like one pound of chicken wings. And that was the order. The guy orders it. Market price. Market price. He eats it and then goes, that wasn't a pound. No way!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. He's like, well I'm not paying for it, because that's false advertising. I'm with him. And they're like, you ordered it and you ate most of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so he goes, no, no, no. So they go into the lobby area, where the bar was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they go, hey man, uhm, the police, you know, there was a police officer there, they bring in another police officer and they go, here's, here's what it is. I understand what you're saying. I understand about the advertising and I understand about, you know, what you think it weighed. You either got to pay this or you got to go to, you're going to go to jail. And he goes like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, that's my first time in Cleveland. I'm like, this is going to be a rough fucking week. It certainly was.


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[Assistant] So Nick, um, back in the day was boxed. Oh, you can tell, yeaah. And I went up to him one time and go like this, dude, boxed, boxed, like guys who really boxed, they have an instinctive reaction to that. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. And so I went like this and he fucking jabbed me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say this for the most part, of all the pro athletes I've met, like touring and everything, and they come to shows, the most, like down earth, I wouldn't know who any of them are, have been NHL and Major League Baseball players. Like they've always, like when they come to shows,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys, they come in and like, they're so unassuming and they don't ask for any, like it's different, like I've also met other athletes that are different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they just like, it's a, they let you know they're there, I'm saying, on some athletes too. But in hockey and baseball. No, they want to have fun. They just have fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a misunderstanding, my bad. He said it was a misunderstanding. That's my favorite type of arrest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I have this here, I don't know, I haven't seen this video, but uhm, it seems like it could be interesting. Let's see here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Liquid IV. Believe it or not, dehydration occurs daily in three out of four people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can tell, you can tell you feel it when you're dehydrated. I mean, there's muscle cramps, there's fatigue. Overall, well-being is down. And, you know, this time of year it's still, you still get dehydrated, it stays warm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, this stuff is incredible. It's packed with potassium, vitamin C, and other vitamins known to help your body defend against infections. One serving of liquid IV provides the same hydration as, like I said, two to three bottles of water alone. That is incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Liquid IV is also donating 3.7 million servings in response to COVID-19.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get better hydration today at liquidiv.com promo code.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, do you ever do sweet, like, playful things with your lady, like pillow fight? Do you ever do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The real, uh, southern tell-to when you keep repeating the name of the person. Let me tell you something, Ian Bagg. Fantastic. Ian Bagg, I got a problem with you, Ian Bagg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that he thinks, like, the way to resolve this is directly to the CEO of, like, uh, an enormous corporate, like, you have a problem with your account? Who's the CEO of this company?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. There's probably a few steps between your Facebook account and Zuckerberg. I'm guessing. Which eye do you think is real?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they, um, they have, because they own Instagram, they have such a weird set of rules that are inconsistent across both platforms. And then they, you know, they get dragged as they should for being like, we're not going to fact check, uh, any political claims. So we'll just let that fly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, I did a, I reposted the, people do these deep fakes where they'll put like your face. Yeah. Uh, this Instagram user, uh, Juno Wannan, you know, he does great. He does great. I, uh, deep fakes and he did one of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On this pimp, this dude named white folks, uhm, and he threw my face on there, and they, Instagram, messaged my agency, like, we're gonna delete this account.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you go to his account, uhm, like so there's the second one he did of me in the middle. He did that one right there. But the other one, the one he did before that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so they took it off of his too. And it was just because it was the guy saying, uhm, like, oh there it is, there it is, there it is. That's the one, that's the one that he took, that they told me I had to take down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. T likes this. T's having a good time today. He's enjoying the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, well first I wanna see who this guy is, cause this is a folder, a guy like this is worth examining, I think, just from the name of this, so let's see what he's like. Let's see what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy was just like, you know what, my personality as is, is not cutting it in this world, so uhm, I'm gonna become an animal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like that somebody like this, I think this guy has the personality, just from that clip, I can tell where if somebody goes like, hey, what's going on? He wants to engage, like he wants to talk, which is so much better than the person who goes, who does this and is like, why is everyone looking at me? Yes, right, like the defense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Throw some seed at him. Hey, I was just trying to say hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's really important to give him, uhm, sort of a heads up on what's about to happen. Uh oh, maybe I shouldn't have said that. No, I'm not on it. No, no, no, that's not gonna happen. Okay. What's gonna happen is that Christina has a very particular set of skills. Oh. And her skills are that she has found a way into the TikTok portal


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To find the hidden tocks, the dark tocks, the tocks that TikTok doesn't want you to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dance, uh-uh. After birthday party. This is, this is Christina's lane. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's people sometimes that post things like, Gina, I love you, I want you to take me back. And you're like, this is a public platform. Like, just send Gina a message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She looks like a lot of, uh, athletic trainers and, uh, people that work in the athletic department and, uh, some of the bigger high schools and some of the Division III colleges.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My good boy. Okay. Here we go, here's another one. You're still in, right? You haven't tapped out yet? You're still good? You gotta do what you gotta do, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it is appealing that if you're, if you're a follower of his, you're like, oh, I didn't see, uh, Kevin's post, but I was, I'm going to make some boo videos now. Right. And you just got the last t-shirt too. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually I remember vividly at Cleveland Improv, one of the first times I played there during a show, a dude in like the second row, he was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way to do it is to post videos of you doing this. That's the best way to get your goal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've actually never heard somebody say that. Has he got his teeth upside down? Uhm, he puts them in different, sometimes he does videos without them, which is most alarming. Oh that. But yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember back in my single days, that was usually my opening line. I would walk up to a lady and say, I would love to taste some of that creamy filling. I make love, I don't F. I don't F.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's a lot, there's a lot of whys whenever we watch any of these. These are fantastic. So look, I wanna, I wanna do a round the bag. Okay. Me too, can I do a round the bag?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to, uh, everybody, if you haven't already, purchase and or stream. Everybody wants some, which is out now. You can get it anywhere, uh, music and comedies available, you know, Amazon, iTunes, everywhere. And you should also check out Conversations, which is on Amazon Prime. And go see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, our closing song is Ballsack Music by Lovesick. Thank you for watching, thank you for listening. Bye guys!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are obviously two catches that have actually come together and I think we should definitely hang out, man. Let's not let, let's not let ourselves get busy because I know I'll probably get super busy. You'll probably get super busy and then life will just take us to our next course. I don't want that to happen without us at least sitting down having a little chat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause while beauty is very common, beauty in brains is not. And that's what always has intrigued me. And sure enough, that's what's intrigued me about you. So yea man, let's chill. Let's hang out. Let's have a conversation. Get some cocktails. Chill. Be a good time. See ya babe. Text me back if you're interested. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Congratulations Uncle Terry for surviving your fourth stroke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see that was my biggest worry, is that what if this fart was put in post-production? But then we found a different feed from a different person in that room, and we heard that fart at a different like audio level? So it's like, okay, so they snuck in this fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just posting it on Instagram, it's like he's posting these himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, it's hard, it's kinda hard to decipher what exactly is going on here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's always diarrhea if something escapes me. Right. Yeah. I've never had a log, just, shoot it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see, let me see how, uh, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not going to give it to you. I need it. I need it right now. I'm not going to give it to you. Okay, well. Okay. Damn. Come on, Mark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go. It's gonna be quick with me cause it's been a long time. Okay, call me back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you are terrific. That's all I can say. I don't even know you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cuddling up to you and, and, uh, kissing you and holding you and caressing you and... Should I ask more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold them and suck and suck and suck and maybe even massage your little hole and... I don't even know you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna put this in your mouth and you're gonna have to suck it dry. You're gonna just suck it dry, Mark. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd love to be in your arms, laying either under you or on top of you, or just standing there holding each other. I don't care. I can't see the bottom part yet. No, you'll have to walk back. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other there, but like I say, I'm built in such a way that, uh, they, they, they hang very far back. They don't, they don't, uh, they don't hang down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just back very close to the top. They're not banging. It doesn't matter how warm it gets. I can be sweating like a black man and they don't go down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my hole. That's where it spits. I'll have to check that later, but I can't see. I can already feel that warm mouth. God, it's been a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Squarespace. I have used Squarespace to build.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four websites because it is just that good and it's just that easy. Uhm, I've used other platforms before and they're really, really difficult cause like you'll go to your website one day and it'll be down because, oh, you didn't install a new plugin. What's a plugin? You don't have to worry about that with Squarespace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, the templates are clean. You ever go to somebody's website and you can't find anything? It's all jumbled. It doesn't make sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not at Squarespace. They have everything you'll need. You can have a store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that you can sell things on. You can promote your physical, your online business. Announce an upcoming event. Maybe you have a wedding coming up. Maybe you just had a baby born. You want to share pictures. Do it with Squarespace. Get that cool idea on a new website, right? Do it. Now's the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what you're gonna do is go to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Squarespace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a major aggression. I wouldn't even say a micro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I take offense to a lot of stuff. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, hold on, I need to take it in. So you forget I haven't seen this yet. So it's new to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And first of all, how did he figure out the fans only stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, I'm still taking it back because I don't think I've ever seen him in such good lighting other than when Dr. Drew went to go see him. And he's in good shape, he looks great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, hold on, I'm sorry, let me back up a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean it's not tight, edited?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's too bad because I've seen his too and I, I think it's lovely and I like to see him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, wait, can we just talk about the evolution of how amazing this all is? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It starts with a video of a strange man, a stranger in a dark room with a bow on his head putting a call out there. To this, where later he calls us by name. He invites our listeners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To come and eff him. It's miraculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's what's great about it. The music was on brand. Everything was on brand. It was an accurate representation of probably what you're gonna get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what else too is that he found a way to take everything he's great at and package it on the proper platform. I mean, before he was wasting his energy on the Instagram stories, it was there, it was in the LiveLeak videos or the YouTube. This is a perfect place for him and we can see it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and it's a new RPC. He's got the hat on. It's a very youthful look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, OnlyFans.com slash Robert Champagne. This is so exciting. It's so worth it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, hold on, you know, you're just, I gotta take it in. I gotta take it in. The clips on the nips and the dog collar with the chains, the police hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what I couldn't stop thinking about from last episode?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I literally, I had to take a nap because I had laughed so hard all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and the day started with Josh Potter doing tit cups. And I can't get it. It really did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, but how can it, I thought it was the pee that's in the balls and then the pee goes from the balls into the penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This reminds me of uhm, when I went to a Catholic school, I was taught by Irish nuns, and I had an Irish nun teach sex ed, and this is more descriptive than what I got. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I wanna see her poop it out. Yeah. Oh, I don't like this. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like the sound of it sloshing in her intestines. That's the cool part. I don't know about this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Well, and how did she- she was wearing a latex shirt under her flower dress?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fucking haircut. I mean look how stupid your hair is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nutty, I remember this. I remember like, you remember getting an AIDS test in the 90s? And you'd have to use, back in the day you'd have to wait like a week or two to get the results. You never took an AIDS test?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got my vote. Do you think that your dad even tries to hold in farts anymore?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, cause he's farted in public places with you, like restaurants and stuff, like he does not care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine how confused Falcon Car Wash must be? Oh yea, yea. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's tiny. For a woman 110 pounds you're, he likes them spinners. That's a little girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dr. Drew and I were trying to figure out what the hand tattoo was. It looked like an animal claw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it looks like yea there's talons, so it could be an eagles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so, I was just, I wish you were still alive. We could do like a dating show for him. That'd be great. Or a lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's that girl, who's that lady, uh, that her, the coochie bugs jumped off of her peaches?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so maybe we should hook up Robert Paul with Connell. With Connell's corpse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what's interesting too, I think, I mean, I have a theory. Is this kind of, these kind of sunglasses?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's very distinct that this attracts a particular


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, you know, I've never had the urge to dye our dogs any color. I know I think taking them to the groomer is like punishment enough for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it was a white, it was originally like a white, poorly thing like that. Yeah, like what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's one thing to shave your cat like a lion, I think that's pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's fucked up. It's like, uh, yeaah, I'm not into it. I'm not into it. My mother, when, when, when my stepdad and my mom stole a dog from a neighbor one time, the Shih Tzu, we had a dog for like a week that they had stolen, and she didn't like the way the dog smelled, cause it smelled like a dog, and she would spray Charlie perfume on the dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charlie! It's like an old perfume from like the 80s, 90s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that poor dog, I was like, the dog doesn't want to smell like perfume. Dog smells are very important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what I saw too the other day is a woman pushing around, like you know when they do, there's always the older lady with like a baby carriage full of dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they weren't elderly dogs, cause I understand sometimes if the dog is old, they were like young spry Yorkies. Three of them. If you're pushing a dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's so true. That is so- Sorry, it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's insane because dogs like to walk. It regulates them and, you know, that's what they do, they walk. Taking that away from the dog, it's fucking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how you just do one thing in your life, you make one little improvement and boom, your whole life has changed, right? Like first I started just maybe taking a little walk and now sometimes I jog, believe it or not. Brooklyn and it's the same way. Maybe you'll buy yourself a nice towel from Brooklyn and suddenly your bathroom is transformed into a luxury spa or maybe


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? You go in there, it feels like you're laying in butter. They're such good quality. Uhm, and they're luxury products at such a low price. That's the best part about Brooklyn and the price. And I've had all these fancy sheets, and trust me, these are the absolute best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they also have towels, shower curtains, bath mats, robes, and candles to add that extra lavish touch. Lounge wear, silk eye masks, robes, furniture, art and totes, final little details that make up your big upgrade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go on, make yourself comfortable. Get 10% off your first order and free shipping when you use promo code MOM only at brooklinnen.com. Brooklyn and everything you need to live your most comfortable life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got hairy legs. How much do you think Dr. Drew loves being roped into this world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good job. Uh, should we discuss 90 Day Fiancé before the 90 days?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But get into the current season. I think you need to start there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop. There's so much going on. Stop. Can you bring up David? With every hug. Here's a tutorial. I think how we should approach this is a tutorial for men like what not to do because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I want this guy to succeed. But there's so much shit aesthetically that he could be changing. First of all, he wears this ridiculous leather coat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks terrible. It's a terrible black leather jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Douchebag. And the thing is, is like, Lana will totally go for this guy because she's like, he's American, he's got a Ferrari because he's sending pictures of himself with a Ferrari. Like, if he just made himself look cooler, this girl would be on board, I think, a lot faster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here's, let's start from the top. The hair, obviously, it is too dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like dark brown hair that you have in your twenties. He's sixty years old. Yeah, stop it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so maybe he's been getting the same haircut for like his whole life. So you need to update your hair. The hair is garbage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he's not a bad looking guy, he's 60. So let's go take care of the teeth. The teeth could use a freshening up too, okay? They look a little older, just go get them freshened. And just get some shirts that fit ma'am. And shirts that fit, okay? And ditch those polo shirts, get something nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So mad. Cause she's a hustler. Okay. So let's go to dinner. They meet finally for dinner for the first time. What does she order?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He orders wine. So what does that say? I don't wanna limber up. I don't wanna eff you. I don't want anything to do with you sexually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would throw up, yea, if he's like, would it, would it be okay if you were to flake me later in my room?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, it is a miracle that your dad begged your mom at, she was like 28 years old in Peru.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause she didn't understand that he was just talking about horrible shit all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's call her and figure out. She probably remembers. You know, your mom has an impeccable memory about romance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you, a day without you commenting on my tits is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does he say to her now, to woo her? What kind of sweet things does he say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, he's terrible. So, he's terrible at flirting, I should say, not in life. So, okay, so here's some no-nos from David with David and Lana. First of all, first of all, it's the asking, right? May I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, may I, may I, do you wanna come up, do you wanna go to my hotel room? And then of course she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, because you kind of feel it when it's happening and like it's an, you don't even have to, it should just be like, should we go? Yeah. And then you're like, yeah, let's fuck. Like you just know it's going to go down. Okay. And then the constant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but anyways, okay, so there's that, and he has no game. Oh my god, you know what makes me want to vomit too? Every time he goes, mm, mm, mm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so gross. It is. It's pretty gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's talk about that because my theory is that the producers were like, let's find who this scammer is and let's pay her a grip of money and let's have this bitch show up. Now, do you think it's really, I was like, who is this woman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the deal man, is that Lana is a hot Ukrainian babe. She can do so much better than David.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think she just needs to get over here first, dump his ass, and then, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop it. She needs it. You can tell she needs it. But let me tell ya, cause I really, when I started to think about this, we were sitting down analyzing this at home, is that it's really actually, like I don't begrudge the women for doing this, cause they wanna get out of the Ukraine, they wanna get out of the Philippines, but to pick the guy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is so desperate and so sad and so lonely that he's willing to funnel all this cash into empty promises and empty, like that is so evil. It is, it's terrible, but here's the difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because Wag gets messed, gets dicked over enough by enough Lana's and he turns cool. He turns cool. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, by the way, a bowling date too, I have to say for like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think they did it just to get photographs for her visa. I understand they're trying to make it look like they've been on dates, but in general,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In general, a lady on like a first date probably doesn't wanna put on smelly, rented shoes and then look dorky as fuck bowling. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like you wanna look cute and just sit there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No woman wants to fuck you in your hotel room after bowling. Really. Not her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His stick-to-it-iveness. Where do you store your loads? Like in a jar? Like a mason jar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's great is that they even got when you wore the Zorro eye covers. Oh yea, under the shades yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things happening in the wrestling world. Oh dear. Alright, well we'll... I'm excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the neat part is that it only costs, how much did that one cost us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you do, I know. I know, I'm glad that these cars bring you joy. It is nice in these times that you have something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quite a while now, uhm, and I like it because it's juuust the right amount of challenging, so you're not like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not exhausted by a game, you know, when you go to play something and you're like, this is too much, I can't do it. The characters are adorable, I like the little sounds they make, and I like the feeling that you get rewarded a lot, cause they give you lots of rewards, uh, with best fiends. So you feel like you're doing stuff, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a unique and exciting puzzle experience, unlike other puzzle games out there. That is the truth. And they update the stuff constantly. It doesn't require the internet to play, which is the best part, so you can play offline anywhere, anytime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hours of fun right at your fingertips and you can even play offline. With over 100 million downloads and tons of five-star reviews, Best Fiends is a must play. Download Best Fiends free on the Apple App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the R. Best Fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that what you noticed about me? What did you like about me the first time we met?


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[Assistant] Would you make it sound like I was wearing like street walker? No, I had cool camper boots. They were under the knee fishnets, but then like a skirt right above the knee. So do prostitutes. That's what I was saying.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you like that bad girl persona.


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[Assistant] You saw the Vagene? That's how I was sitting at the cat club. That's how you were sitting in front of the cat club.


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[Assistant] You don't think a nice corporation wants to have people juicing?


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[Assistant] I really like it. And you know what? She has a pug mask. You know how specific that is to get an adult pug mask?


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[Assistant] Yeah, she knows. She knows how to tug on our heartstrings, that one.


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[Assistant] Wow. Well that was really amazing. That was amazing.


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[Assistant] Put the willow in there, cute.


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[Assistant] Is that being annoying? She says I'm not a nurse, that's why I can't afford. I can't get certain privileges.


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[Assistant] That's a good one. I think that's a good one. I agree with you. I think Aubrey is the good one, yeaah. But I wanna choose, can I choose someone too?


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[Assistant] Now, I had a hard time cause I'm, what I'm looking at is yeaah, these videos are funny, I like all these people, I want everyone, I wish I could give a mattress to everyone, but I'm gonna look at who's got the hardest way. You know what I'm saying? I feel like Bobby,


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[Assistant] Is like, that guy's got it hard. You know what I'm saying? He's got cancer, fires destroyed his stuff. And I also like Jake, the 19 year old kid with Lyme disease. I mean, how the fuck do I choose between those two? It's like, here's the deal, man. Jake is 19, he's young, he's got chutzpah.


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[Assistant] He can, he's gonna scrape together money eventually to buy himself a mattress. Bobby? Not so sure he can do it.


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[Assistant] Why are people racist? Like, well that's exactly how you do it. You gotta start young. You gotta start.


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[Assistant] How do you, could you imagine teaching our three year old that? Oh my god. That's crazy.


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[Assistant] Well, he's shirtless in this one. I don't recall him being shirtless before. And it looks like he's been using tit cups because his breasts are larger than they were before.


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[Assistant] He's got a cool guy vault, Tom. He doesn't look as good. He was shirtless in the original. How could I have missed that?


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[Assistant] His hair is longer, a little darker, doesn't look as healthy.


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[Assistant] Look, to be fair though, this hint, the past him, that was him high on meth.


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[Assistant] And he doesn't do meth anymore, you can tell cause he's gained the weight and he's sublimating that need for meth and he's eating chicken nuggets dude. He's fine, he's better now.


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[Assistant] I am impressed. You had the cool guy, the cool guy raid over there.


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[Assistant] He learned a lesson when he came down from meth. He was like, that wasn't nice.


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[Assistant] I don't like that guy either. Having their pussies like- Okie doke. I don't like that.


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[Assistant] I don't like the one where he goes, come now. The magician, the come magician. I don't like that guy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we cover it on Dr. Drew After Dark, just so you know. What did he say? Johnny Johns, it looks like he's going through a bipolar, that this is the downside of a manic episode. And psychosis. Oh, cool. There's psychotic stuff going on, you know.


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[Assistant] And I'm so excited to look at your feet. Yeah, it's gonna be great.


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[Assistant] Can we click on it just to see what it- what it- No, you're not allowed to.


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[Assistant] You know, it just goes to show, it just took time and technology to get around to what he was doing.


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[Assistant] Much like us in our career, you know what I mean? Like wouldn't it be great if we could just sit around and talk about farts all day? And then podcasting came along, and it was like peanut butter and chocolate fudge and caramel together. It was perfect.


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[Assistant] You know what I love about him? Is that he's got the freedom with his naked body the way that our children do.


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[Assistant] Is how he can ejaculate standing up, so what do you think?


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[Assistant] Dilla's a decent boy. Do you pee in the shower?


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[Assistant] Right, I mean, don't most men, I assume, prefer. But Andy's saying, no, no, I like to stand and jizz. What? Why? I don't know why. It's the challenge.


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[Assistant] Wow, well, RPC's really into those nipple clips too. And he likes to use the old school ones.


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[Assistant] And let me tell you, RPC is a giver. This guy gives content.


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[Assistant] I don't know why I love it. I like it. I like hearing him bagock. It makes me happy.


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[Assistant] Do you think it feels extra good for him? That's why he can come that loud.


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[Assistant] You don't, you don't begawk like that with me. I mean, not like that. Not like that. I don't hear you do.


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[Assistant] I know where you're going. And the male porn acting world doesn't have a lot of stars anymore.


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[Assistant] I don't, I can't say that for most, uh, male porno actors. This guy is really entertaining.


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[Assistant] Charisma, he's got a lot, you know, there's different actor, characters.


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[Assistant] There's going to be a bit of a change to the recipe. Everybody likes to change the recipe up. These ones are going to have fries, cheese,


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[Assistant] Is this for the show, or are you just for my own personal?


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[Assistant] And somebody, she goes, she goes, somebody said to see the big letter. So somebody obviously saw her was like, nice shirt. She's like, thanks. One of my fans gave it to me.


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[Assistant] It's kind of like you can think of it in terms of Russian roulette. What is it, one in six that you're gonna die? When you use a condom, it's like you're playing Russian roulette. There is less chance that when you pull the trigger, you're gonna get a bullet in your head. But, who wants to play Russian roulette with a condom?


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[Assistant] With or without a condom, then just picture that you're actually going to bed. It's not just you and him, or you and her. It's that you're packing along a loaded revolver with you when you go.


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[Assistant] The proof that men can focus on two things at once.


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[Assistant] It's hard to think of a different smell to describe what I was gonna, it really is, it is wet dog. I mean, if it's wet though, if you're wet, it's only when it's wet though. Only when it's wet, but that's a white people smell? It is, and it smells, well, you know what it smells like? It's like a, uhm,


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[Assistant] Black people always be smelling like all types of, it's whatever lotion they use, cocoa, butter, shea butter. That's what I'm thinking.


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[Assistant] Right, yeah, cause, I mean, y'all don't really need it, you know? It's like, we literally need to moisturize like 30 times a day just to not have ash all over our skin, so. Yep.


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[Assistant] It doesn't feel as necessary to, you know, shower twice a day. Maybe moisturize your face, lotion on the skin. You don't need to do that.


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[Assistant] No, I'm saying the fact, I feel like you don't, I feel like a lot of white people feel like they don't need to, they're comfortable in their skin, so they're just like, I can just, I can not shower today, I can not shower tomorrow.


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[Assistant] Great tits and, uh, I mean, nice, just a little bit of teased cleavage, but not too much. You know, some women overdo it with the cleavage. She had just the right amount to make the mind wander.


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[Assistant] Chris, this is, this is the new normal, Tom.


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[Assistant] That's a great can, Tommy, let me tell you.


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[Assistant] You know, this little Rugerangler just might be what the doctor ordered. Doctor who? Doctor Pepper!


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[Assistant] Couple of secrets in life, how much gold there is in Fort Knox and how much he had to drink that night.


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[Assistant] I think she hit two and a half glasses.


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[Assistant] It is. It is. I mean, this is a person I've seen kind of get goofy on a half a glass. Okay.


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[Assistant] And yeaah, it's crazy, it's just, uh.


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[Assistant] I don't know how much. Yeah, it is. It's always been like that.


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[Assistant] That's uhm, those are, those are, uh, she didn't quite use those words personally, but she more is in the yuck kind of category.


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[Assistant] You know, ultimately saved by orgasm, you know, and uhm, if they can get there, okay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was, that was, uh, I needed to do a double take on that one.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. I mean, first thing I saw when I saw that, I said, you know,


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[Assistant] She's probably not a virgin. Okay. That was my first thought.


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[Assistant] Not supposed to do those kinds of things. I just stood back there and watched it. But you get, when you get a bunch of sailors and Marines who've been on ship.


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[Assistant] So two things are at play here. Haven't seen a woman for months. Haven't had a drop of alcohol for months.


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[Assistant] Well look, uhm. The cops have shut this down years ago, but at that time, this is, this is going back to the good old boy days.


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[Assistant] Happy birthday to my brother Thomas. Happy birthday Thomas.


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[Assistant] And Russ is in the pool swimming. Yup, and I'm, and I'm in the pool. Let's just hang out. Hi guys. And hello. And how are you today?


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[Assistant] Protestants try to knock every fucking tooth out of their heads and act like a man treating them like one.


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[Assistant] Wow. Very good. Great video. Great job, Jake. It's really funny. Rachel.


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[Assistant] This is the guy. Okay. You're looking at him.


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[Assistant] Uhm, the hug, the uhm. Uhm, do a come for me now. Come for me now.


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[Assistant] Squarespace! I love it. I've been a huge fan of Squarespace for years because back in the day when I started making my own websites, I was so frustrated from plugins or from just counter-intuitive programs. I don't know HTML coding. You don't need to with Squarespace. It's so...


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[Assistant] Easy and I love the layouts, the layouts are clean, the designs are fresh, uh, they're compatible with


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[Assistant] The, the phones that people are looking at your website on. Uhm, yeaah. And why don't you have a website right now? I just hate it when a comedian doesn't have a website. Because you can use Squarespace for all kinds of things. You can sell your products or services. You can blog. You can create, uh, you know, your online business store. You can,


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[Assistant] Pro- like you have a wedding or you want to share baby pictures? Do it on Squarespace. So right now go to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


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[Assistant] Well, in that, you know, the mainstream media, they cover certain stories, but we cover the real stories.


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[Assistant] The stories and the margins, the topics people don't normally explore.


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[Assistant] I mean, that poor guy almost cried during that. That makes you feel better.


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[Assistant] Love it. He did, you said sorry in Hungarian. I even picked up that. I mean, he researched different languages to say sorry.


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[Assistant] You're an outside dog. That shits inside. Is that the wording you use? Mhm. Yea, but he- I'm an outside dog.


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[Assistant] That really lifted your spirits, Tom. Yeaah. N-Nadav's, uh, poem.


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[Assistant] We were talking about what if, what if Dr. Fauci was giving a speech and he was like, wow.


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[Assistant] No, but if Fauci was like, we've been doing extensive research, we've been working tirelessly day and night, and we've discovered that yes, pee is in fact stored in the balls. And you're like, wait, you're not working on the virus? What about the virus?


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[Assistant] But how great were the 80s when they just had stuff like this? And I really think they should bring this kind of blatant discussion back.


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[Assistant] I mean this is how I learned sex ed and I think the people are dumb and I think they need to be re-educated this way. This was better.


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[Assistant] But especially an eighth grade Scott Baio, wasn't he like super famous already? He might have been. And like, crushing puss? Like this guy never...


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[Assistant] Yeaah, we watched it. It was years ago. It was like Scott Baio Grows Up or something. Yeaah. And uhm.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and he wanted a family and all that, or a woman did. Wait, do you remember this kind of shit though in grade school? It was so embarrassing.


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[Assistant] I'm always surprised that one kid that doesn't know how fucking uncool it is to be like, I noticed that one of my balls hurts. Don't say that shit, like why don't you know that you will get beaten up for saying that stuff.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I noticed that my balls hurt.


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[Assistant] No, it's like a sanitary napkin belt, and you could clip this. This is before they had glue on the bottom of maxi pads. Ugh. It was so dumb. Like, no, no, no, no, no, that's it, that's it. Oh, that's it. It's a pussy pad. Yeah, and they're like, you can clip your pads to that. I'm like, I'm pretty sure we don't need those anymore.


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[Assistant] Not in the 80s, but this is what they taught us we could use.


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[Assistant] I hated it. But don't you wish somebody appealing would have taught you sex ed? Yea. Like somebody just who looked like they had their life together and made a cover deal.


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[Assistant] I had nuns teaching us sex ed in 10th grade. By the time I was in 10th grade, they taught girls sex ed at this all girls catholic school I went to, and it was too late by then. We were all whores. Everybody was already fucking.


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[Assistant] And having a nun tell you about sex was so dumb. I remember one time a girl, there was a question box, and she asked what happens, what's blue balls? And this nun was like, oh, a man gets cold and his balls turn blue. What? That's how stupid they were, yea.


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[Assistant] Wouldn't you love this got baosex ed thing? I'd be like, let's watch every episode.


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[Assistant] I've got pubes. Will you look at my pubes?


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[Assistant] We did, and you made very fast drivings that scared the shit out of me, but I stayed very quiet. Uh, no, you didn't go fast. You went the speed limit. Yep. And, uh, it's quite a car. It's really fun. Wow. It's really cool. If you really enjoy.


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[Assistant] Well, I'm so glad that your mom is back to bridge. I know that since the release of the fart video, she was afraid to show her face in that community. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's back.


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[Assistant] Thank you, that was a fun mission. I was there, I was in that part of the world, yeaah.


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[Assistant] And I remember my suitcase, but my luggage was delayed from the airline and I had to wear the same velour jumpsuit in Africa for three or four days.


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[Assistant] You're welcome. That's what I do. That's all I know. Yeah, go ahead. Good. I was going to give a another update since we're on the update topic of tin cups.


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[Assistant] So, we really appreciated Josh Potter giving it a great attempt at those Amazon tit cups that I purchased for him. I don't think they're good enough.


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[Assistant] I've upped the game. I found a medical grade tit pump. Uh, this is Norman approved. Yep.


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[Assistant] It costs, I don't even know if I should say.


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[Assistant] But here's the thing, is that it's electric and it's coming from Europe right now. It's electric and he will have some beautiful tits after this. Wow. Yeah. So I'm very excited for the parcel to arrive.


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[Assistant] I do like him. It doesn't creep me out, actually, because I think he's a sweet guy. He is a sweet guy. Yea, I don't feel any weirdness.


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[Assistant] And I tell you, I watched his face the entire time. Not a flinch. Not a flinch. Not even a wince. It was just like, da da da da da, just feathering this dick with the lighter. La la la la la. Like he was just basting it with a brush, like a gentle.


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[Assistant] This looks like a younger video because his hair hasn't been burnt off yet.


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[Assistant] Uh, 10 out of 10. Good. Good chances. Good chances.


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[Assistant] What the fuck is going on in that car too? Like all, he pulled out all the wiring and shit. This guy was other level. God. Jesus. Man, he was nutty. God damn it. What a fucking hero.


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[Assistant] He might be the craziest person we've ever covered. That's saying something too. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. I think like piss spots is one level, but then this guy was violent and paranoid. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Well, for everybody's sake, we know that we should be avoiding crowds right now. Uh, but what if you need to send out your packages and your letters? Don't worry. Stamps.com is here to help. With Stamps.com, you can print all the stuff from the post office, all that postage right from the computer in the safety and comfort of your own home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or anywhere else that you're hunkering down right now. And whether you're a small business sending invoices, an online seller, shipping out products, or you're just working from your house and you need to mail stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com can handle it all with ease and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know that now you can send things using UPS. I love it. They stepped it up. They stepped up their game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use your own computer to send official postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send. And like I said, Stamps.com, you get great discounts too. Five cents off every first class stamp and up to 62% off shipping rates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com is a no-brainer, especially now, saving you time and money and keeping you safe in these crazy times. Right now, our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial PLUS free postage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he came back for a fifth time, right? And then she, he gets there, he flies for 24 hours, he checks into the hotel, he's like, well, I'm gonna get with Lana, goes to the computer, and she goes, my nephew has a hockey game this weekend, I can't see you till Monday. So that's two more days of waiting. So we're like, this is nuts. This bitch doesn't like you.


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[Assistant] And I feel so taken advantage of by TLC, the learning channel and their editors because they hosed us.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she's really into the stuff with David, and I saw some leaked stuff on the interwebs too that he was, he sent her photos of him, like courtship photos, and they're like, him in front of a Ferrari, him in front of a mansion, like him.


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[Assistant] Yes, and I have to say too, I am very upset with Big Ed now. I don't like how he treated Rosemary. He did not inform her that he didn't want children and that was her dream to have two kids. My dream, my dream, oh stop it, oh stop it. And, oh stop it, you and your fake, uh, shock. Wait, do it again though. My dream?


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[Assistant] It's my dream to have kids. That's good, right? Yea, that's really good. Ask Joko if that's good.


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[Assistant] Anyways, I don't like that he wasn't forthcoming with that. Why go all the way to the Philippines and take this girl away from her kid, take her on a vacation, tell her her pussy stinks, tell her her breast stank, tell her her legs are hairy and all that, and then to do that was not very cool. It wasn't cool.


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[Assistant] For a cable show? And there's so much competition. So much competition. That's amazing. And I'll tell you, they took us on an emotional ride, and I enjoyed it, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Did they manipulate us a little? Yes. Is that even over?


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[Assistant] I feel taken, but you know what? It was fun and I love it and I love the show.


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[Assistant] And Williams, now Williams is definitely a scammer, cause they did the reverse- Oh that one, there's no question. Image search, and Soja Boy and Baby Love, I don't know. So far their relationship seems to be the strongest one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait to talk to this maniac. You know, she's been in, uh, on the east coast here for this whole COVID-19 thing and I thought we should check in with her and see how things are going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's so funny, uhm, anyway, I just miss her so much.


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[Assistant] Remember when she was here she said, I like my porn so violent. I want, what did she say? I want to go to their funerals. She's so fucking funny. Meow meow meow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well we wanted to check in with you because we haven't seen you in a while and god, you guys got hit so hard on the east coast. What's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One doctor. Now I've been worried about you specifically about your masturbation routine. How has this affected your masturbation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yes, as you know, uh, two and four year olds, if nothing, make you really horny, especially as a mom. I know. It's like, uh. Yeah. So, yeah, well, we have just enough time in the night, like, we put the kids down, we hurry fuck, and then we watch 90 Day Fiance, and that's the night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We hurry fuck, it's uh, we make sure the door is locked, definitely.


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[Assistant] Well, let me ask you this. In LA, people are doing birthday parades, where if it's your birthday,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. Are people driving alone in their cars wearing their masks like they are here too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to. I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want, I don't like.


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[Assistant] Yeah, babe, you can't put your peener in someone's dick nips. You can't do it. You're not allowed to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this doesn't even make sense biologically.


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[Assistant] Guys, I get it. I get it. No, hold on. I get the fetish. It's that her tits are vagis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but that's the intent was to make vagetits. Oh, vagetits. Right, so that you could F her tits, like vages. That's the whole idea behind this, I'm saying. That's the marketing. The marketing. You can F her tits and her V.


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[Assistant] You're, yeah, kind of. No, no, no, no. You're vag tit, fuck it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're fucking a nip vag, a manufactured nip vag.


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[Assistant] So whoever- This is so dumb. I can't, I can't. And then she pissed. I don't like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Bitsy, we put a t-shirt on her a day or two ago, and I tied it up in a little bun there so it doesn't hinder her ability to go pee-pee or poo-poo. And it's a spicy hot pink shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just thought this was funny because our nanny came in the next morning and I go, did you see Betsy's new outfit? And she's, she goes, yes, it's very sexy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought, I've never heard a dog's outfit described as sexy, and I thought it was really cute that she referred to it as sexy. Which it is.


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[Assistant] She took it off on her own this morning. I think she's over it. She took it off. She took it off on her own? She did on the couch this morning. Yeah. But there she is, my sexy little dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you're pinned. May I ask you this question? Why does he need to hold up the iPhone when the camera, there's another camera recording? Like he's just blocking his own face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a plan, his decorations are sparse.


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[Assistant] Did he? Yeaah. I like his alarm clock from the 90s. Vintage.


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[Assistant] I like the forcefulness of an RPC. Come on, fuck me, piss on me, beat me. I like it when they're a little more aggressive, he's too vulnerable, I feel like he'll get hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What better time to invest in the comfort of your bed and of your life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please, I beg you, try Brooklinen. Let me tell you something. I bought all the sheets. I've spent hundreds of dollars on hotel grade sheets from the fancy department store. I've bought, you know, just crummy old Amazon sheets. But let me tell you, Brooklinen is by far my favorite. We sleep on them every night.


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[Assistant] I don't know. They're comfortable, they're clean, they're simple, they keep me warm in the winter and cool in the summer, and I just adore them.


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[Assistant] So, uh, if you're working from home, staying comfortable is the best way to stay productive, and Brooklinen is there during every part of your daily routine. Brooklinen products help you find comfort in the little things. Morning routines, extra soft sheets, and even plush towels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like softness, comfort, essentials to help you relax? Brooklinen has it all. Brooklinen.com is the perfect place to find all the comforts for home. And they're so confident in their product that all their sheets, comforters, loungewear, and towels come with a lifetime warranty.


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[Assistant] Their Memorial Day event kicks off this weekend, and you don't want to miss it. Ease your way into summer with big savings on sheets, bedding, towels, loungewear, and their newest hamam and linen collections.


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[Assistant] If you can't wait, you can get 10% off your first order and free shipping on all the new sheet right now when you use promo code mom at brooklinnen.com. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Brooklyn and everything you need to live your most comfortable life. And yes, I said new sheet right now. Can we do some talks?


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[Assistant] That's so crazy that he did that. Yea, it's wild. It's wild. I thought you'd just appreciate that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he like held his breath in sewer for a long time. Which is-


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[Assistant] Pretty good. Feathering it, brother. Yeaah. But it's how many likes to make me put my hair out.


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[Assistant] Here we go guys. I don't know if you know this, I was on a little show called Road Rules Australia the season before Theo won and he had a small dog and


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[Assistant] I was, we were surfing on sand dunes in Mumstrillia.


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[Assistant] And I shit you not the guide that was with us.


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[Assistant] Exact thing happened. A sidewinder snake came up on the dunes.


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[Assistant] This Aussie just goes, grabs it by the neck and throws it away. So that shit happens in parts of the world. Yeah, I've seen it firsthand. I don't know where this is, but wow.


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[Assistant] It's a man. I think it's a boy. Yeah, it's a boy. Because I've seen other things where he goes through the process. He'll show you pictures. No, I think it's a dude.


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[Assistant] I mean, because it's a feminine boy, so I can't be a hundred percent sure.


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[Assistant] He tattooed his eyeballs all black, dude.


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[Assistant] All black. That's- I didn't even know you could do that. I'm not even sure that's- He's kinda pretty. Safe? Yea, no, he's so sweet. I'm sure he's lovely.


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[Assistant] For those of you just listening, this is a totally natural TikTok posted by John Travolta, just letting you know that his son changed his username on the talk. Hi everybody. It's very natural. Hi everybody.


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[Assistant] I like your argument, and I would argue comedians, for the most part, like, we are friends with really successful comedians, and for the most part, they're pretty fucking...


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[Assistant] Down earth because you get humbled by the audience constantly. You're not guaranteed to continue your career and people shit on you all the time. Now this happens, you're acting, you're on a closed set, you don't really interact with the public, you don't really get to see how people see you, right?


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[Assistant] You're not, you're not shamed if you do a bad acting job on the set that day.


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[Assistant] You didn't get penalized for that? You're not supposed to heckle your teammates, are you?


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[Assistant] Well I mean, don't they have codes and stuff in sports? Aren't you not allowed to do stuff to each other?


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[Assistant] What do you mean? I don't know. Shit, like, okay, in football, you're not allowed to grab the guy's hair.


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[Assistant] How come you're allowed, I thought, oh you can? Oh, nevermind. I didn't think you were allowed to just talk shit to people.


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[Assistant] I just love that interaction. Like, I feel like my mother and I had a similar dynamic. Like, we drink coffee at 6 o'clock at night for a fucking, what are you drinking coffee for? Fuck you, I do what I want.


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[Assistant] That's such like a spicy mom thing to do. Yeah. Would your mom talk shit to you like that? If you said that to her?


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[Assistant] It was really fun, but not only that, just, uh, we have had a Saatva mattress, we've had two different brands, we've had the, uh, the, was it the luxury firm? Yeah.


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[Assistant] We have independent compartments or whatever so that I can go up and you can stay down. Yes, that's what I'm talking about. I can't wait.


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[Assistant] Man, that's gonna be good. Go up into the...


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[Assistant] There we are. There's Tom and me sleeping. She likes to be up a little. He likes to be completely flat. Uuuh. I like it.


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[Assistant] I can drink my wine sitting up and you can be asleep on 10mg Tom.


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[Assistant] Oh wow, you're almost back in the fold. Maybe in another week you can get back to a ten.


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[Assistant] Well, I will say that I think quarantine, Tom, we're starting to see a new side of. I think that this quarantine has brought out everybody's personalities a bit more and you're starting to see the side that I've seen for the last 15 years. Put it that way. Okay. I'm not alone anymore.


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[Assistant] That's very true. I'm surprised you could vomit and then laugh as hard as you did and then like tears were coming out. It was completely uncontrollable.


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[Assistant] Wow, I really like this. I feel like they caught his essence. Because, you know, he isn't, it sounds odd, but to me he isn't that guy that just shits on fries. He actually is a pretty soulful, layered person. And I feel like this portrait captures that.


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[Assistant] I didn't know either, I was shocked that they had time. But with everything else in the world, oh my god.


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[Assistant] Somebody drew a good one of Nadav naked or something. Did you see that one?


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[Assistant] Right, and just because I don't have breasts and I take testosterone and I like masculine traits doesn't make me a man. Right. I'm transmasked.


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[Assistant] Contra-essence there too. The gold chain.


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[Assistant] I'm sure we've just, you know, made a lot of people happy on this episode today. We haven't inflamed any of the fans of angry wrestling people.


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[Assistant] I'm sorry. Are you? James. James Cartwright. Okay. Are you here to fix a toilet?


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[Assistant] No, I'm here for the campaign. The Fall Forever Fashion Line. Why? I'm submitting myself. For what? I'm a model.


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[Assistant] Modeling's my dream. It's what I've wanted to do my entire life. I bet.


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[Assistant] I use it all the time whenever I get myself. I'm fucking hooking this shit up again.


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[Assistant] Hi, good, how are you? Good. Why did I say good? I'm not good. I always say that. It's a habit. Things are fucking horrible.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I eat chips a lot. I eat popcorn because it's corn, you know what I mean? Like it's a vegetable, so I just eat tons of popcorn because I tell myself it's okay.


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[Assistant] That's a, yeaah, I do that with my kids sometimes.


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[Assistant] I'm playing with dolls with my four and a half year old daughter and I'm like beating them. We're like beating each other with the dolls. It's crazy. It's like an abusive environment.


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[Assistant] I think it's going to take that amount of time, especially here, for things to, they said they're doing like roadside stuff.


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[Assistant] Plants and, you know, I don't even know what they're talking about, but.


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[Assistant] And by, uhm, July or August, I'm hoping if I'm still alive, I probably will start cutting or doing something by then, but if I'm still alive...


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[Assistant] I'm hoping that I can be a traveling clown again, but uhm, I don't know.


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[Assistant] Like when people walk past my house, I'm like, get the fuck away from my house, you know? Yeah.


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[Assistant] It's not easy. The whole thing is just crazy. And I do feel like I don't do comedy anymore. Like now I'm just, uh,


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm much more into medical scenes now, and I like someone, uhm, people with masks, not like all the gear, the mask, the gloves, the doctor's outfits, and then I just, I like that they can't touch each other, it's a turn on.


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[Assistant] Like everyone's just six feet apart and just like, wow, yeah, to the left, you know, but no one's even touching. Really hot. That is super hot.


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[Assistant] I know, that's really traumatizing. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Well what's the point if they're not a whore? That's the only thing I'm attracted to.


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[Assistant] I don't know. It's confusing to me, uhm, but I was laughing so fucking hard when I saw the clip of you talking about it.


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[Assistant] Oh, can you please do that? If they get upset, I will die. I'll die from laughing.