[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, it freaked me out. Uhm, I, but I do love, like, I love the train ride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hit the experience, is the experience there, or destination?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always do that when I'm on those trains too. I talk, I talk to like the people that work on it like I'm a kid. I go, the choo choo gonna go keep going? And they're like, yep. And I go, is this scary?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does it have like some image of what the train is like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Okay, so it's not terrible. No. I think it'd be fun. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna take these guys on a train.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now she's like, don't you like how you can eat whatever you want and not gain weight? Your dicks can fit in my hand now. She's jerking them off. Oh yeaah, you're so thin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, you trying to break into the adult business? Are you tested and willing to work? Power at me. It kind of looks like that, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Changing like seasons. I was walking in, I was walking out of a ride aid and this black lady who was, I don't know, probably like in her twenties, she goes, okay ladybug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, white shirt. I was like, I'm gonna take that, I'm gonna adopt that nickname right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your nickname? Uhh... Milk Flaps? I knew it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, whole milk then. What's up almond tits? That's another good one. Stupid. It's a good one. Stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what else is crazy? And he would turn fully to talk. And this is on the 405. Like, you know, you're driving 65, 75 miles an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, hey. See, it works. That was a really good test. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had nice dumps. While you were gone, I had really nice dumps. Just saying, I did. If you're interested. They were really nice. Uh, let's get into some shows, right? Some days coming up. Some shows. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Catatonia, by Kanan. He likes it, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Los Angeles and Santa Barbara. That is this week. Please, uh, if you haven't gotten tickets, San Jose still has a few. The early show on the 20th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me, the only show on the 20th from Los Angeles is Santa Barbara. That has a few tickets available. Then I am off for a little stretch before I go to El Paso, uh, Tucson,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Phoenix has a few tickets left in the Late Show in Denver on the 28th. The other one is sold out. Then I go to Des Moines, Lincoln, Sioux City, Minneapolis and Fargo. Minneapolis has tickets available to the Late Show. Uh, and Fargo is nearly sold out. Try to get tickets to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While you can, uh, then it's off to Europe for me. Oh my gosh. And I've added, uh, a second show, by the way, November 7th in New York City. And I've added a second show the next night in Ben Salem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, very excited to do that, plus Buffalo, Syracuse, and finally, a late show, a fourth show has been added in Austin, that is November 17th, very excited. Thank you so much, TomSegura.com, slash tour, for all those shows. Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yup, pretty cool. I like it. Uhm, alright, uh, we're gonna take a quick break. Okay. Uhm, that you'll never register. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this is wild. I cannot believe you're actually sitting here because we've, you know, I've known who you are for so long. Sometimes when you do these shows, you're like, there's no fucking way that person, like I'm meeting this person. You know what I mean? I've seen them from a distance and now you're sitting here, uhm, jackass alum, uh, wild man, comedian,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Steven Randolph, uh, was here, and he told us, uhm, this, you know, a bunch of crazy shit, but one of them was how, like, he was in the building, like, the Hustler building, and you guys


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you guys, when you guys were all buddies, and you were all, I guess, you know, obviously skateboarding, fucking around, having fun, making each other laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you, cause most of the world is introduced to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On this show and in the movies as part of this clique, but as like the fucking most outraged, like doing the crazy, were you doing that to like amuse your friends before the cameras? Like were they like, hey who's gonna jump off this fucking thing and crack their head? You're like, I'll do it. Like I'll set my hair on fire and all this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's fascinating though. That's really, actually really interesting. But it's also like, it's, I mean, I think it's important, A, for people to know that it's not, that like, you should, you should definitely not try Steve-O shit at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's misspelled, but, uh, he, it's always him jumping off of his back porch, like this. Oh, here you go, yeah. And so, he just, he says, you know, it's always for juggalos and juggos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The audience is in on the fact that it's like it's bits and like you guys are trying, like you're having fun watching these guys fuck with each other and you know they're attempting something and you're like, is it going to work out? Is it going to hurt? So it's like a game, you know, you kind of feel like you're hanging out part of the group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when you guys, when this, like, when those videos, I remember when, I remember when the videos, like when MTV first started airing this, and we were like, holy, cause you know, you're a kid, you're like, this is fucking amazing, and then they add the big warning, like, don't send us your tapes. Warning, if you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did he think, what did he think like as you gained success? Was he like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now does he, did he, as you, you know, you got more famous and you're doing all this wild, would he see it and be like, what the fuck are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have a crazy paint threshold but you do have a high need for attention. Sure. I think there's also something fascinating about human beings where, you know when you're describing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drinking 10 beers and doing like crazy shit. It's inherently fascinating to watch that. Like if you told me right now in that room, you go through that door, this dude's gonna chug fucking 10 beers and do shit like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's that part of you that knows it's destructive, but you're like, I wanna see that shit. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So can I ask you, when you've had like these crazy injuries doing these things, is there ever,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, inevitably, 99% of people are like, well, I'm never doing shit like that again. Do you ever go, like, from one of the big ones like that, and do you have the thought, like, no? Or you don't even entertain that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause being fucked up must have like, I don't know, gotten you through a lot of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This about how, you know, obviously we hear about like the origins of it. You guys are like these, you know, crazy fuck around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did that, was there a big, you guys became millionaires and movie stars and did it totally fuck up the dynamics once it became so successful? I don't think so. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really fascinating to hear you explain it in a more thought out and like calculated way. Like even like I'm gonna be this famous stunt guy. All this stuff, I had no idea. I always thought you're this fucking lunatic who just kind of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course, I know, but I'm saying even on a bigger scale, just the fact that like, you thought out these things before you even saying this, like that you had a vision that you were pursuing. It makes sense to hear it, I just never would have imagined it without hearing you say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the interesting thing is you are, you've leaned into that continuously to today where you're putting out a lot of content now, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and uh. How do you get your, like, are you, uh, just escaping in your mind? Yeah, how do you get?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best in porn, I think too, is like when you can tell that like the girl really enjoys it, or really doesn't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool. Uhm, this is like, this has been a real treat to talk to you. Hey, thank you man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a smart guy, dude, I can tell. I mean, you're doing a lot of very, you know, you're smart, you're creating content, you're giving people what they want, and it's very cool, man. I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. Please continue to watch more. You can see all these where my hand is gesturing. You can click on those. And please subscribe if you have not yet. Hit the subscribe button and then we'll get your money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? You're fired, okay? You didn't follow Proto. How do you get a job here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think is the biggest challenge to women today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, like I did it at the improv last night and half the crowd, they literally think I'm having a nervous breakdown because I don't even address it. I just have my back to the audience and I'm just like, it's okay, you chose this, no one forced you to do this, you're gonna be okay, you need to take your medication. And I curl up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh the audience that. Yes, I agree. You really do. I wrote on Twitter today, I really feel like there's comics who are givers and takers. Like you guys are complete givers on stage, it's why you're so funny. But you know those comics who just take, like it's all about them and they really know how they did after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they're liars. Most of them are doing this and pretend like they're religious, but they do horrible things. I mean, they're fucking, they're stealing a book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that's religious? Is that okay with God? I don't, it's so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%. These are not, you can't say like they're not the same. I was brought up, I had a bat mitzvah, but that's it. Like, and my father took all the money for a cocaine habit. So I didn't even see a dollar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is not, this is a whole nother level. It's like you said, Baptist, this is, this is not, I don't even,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. I mean, I, you know, you always have to have extra and more. That's also, that's a Jewish thing. Is that right? Oh my god. Yea, cause we had everything taken away. That's true. So I hold on to everything I can. Yea, yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like 10 pounds over, I was Jewish overweight. I was normal, but my parents were like, you need to go to fat camp and just really learn. You don't learn anything, you just get skinny and then at the end of the year you go back and you're like, hi everyone, and you're really thin and then at the end of the school year I was like, when's fat camp?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's at six in the morning, and then you have to walk again later, but you know, you have to be moving. And then when you got weighed on Saturdays, you had to stand in a line up hills in front, in back of all the other fat kids in your bathing suit to go into the mess hall, which was like a slaughterhouse, and you had to get weighed in front of everyone. It was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was always silly and funny because that's how I dealt with my childhood. Was to just laugh at things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she- no, I don't- I didn't hate my mom, she just was focused on helping other people. She was a- she's a therapist. So she wasn't around a lot. So she was out helping the world and we were like, you know, hello?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now she, she did apologize and worked really hard on herself, so I- Oh wow. That's huge. I know, it's very big. And rare. Very rare. But she did a lot of therapy. She drives me nuts. I mean, I love her, but she does reiki and tries to tap me and do EMDR and- I hate reiki. I hate all this shit. Do you know that she does it without even asking me? She'll just put her hands over me and be like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it was totally, oh my god, yea, it was like an egg, you know, apple slice. Of course, so they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, but then we would, you would just think about the next meal, like you'd have to do activities, but you would just be dying for lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I've always had an issue with makeup, and I haven't really known how to apply it, how to use it, what to use, and I've always felt less than because of it. And from traveling for so long, I've picked up amazing secrets, certain things you can do to really accent certain areas,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just a regular concealer, you can use any kind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long have you guys been doing it? You've been at it 20 years? Yeaah, I started in 99.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell me what's your game. I'm like a guy, I mean it's good that I'm married because I really would be fucking 700 people. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And were you the aggressor? I don't like intimacy. I just wanna, yeah, just want the attention. Yeah. I want people to want me. So that's hard. Right. It's hard. Yeah. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I think it's better than I'm in a relationship, or else I just get into these. It's healthier for you, for sure. Right, and it's even like more like emotional things where I just have, I'll have like five people that I'm flirting with and then it gets...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not good. It's really not. It's for attention. It's to be liked and wanted and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I guess it's because it's two women, it just gets so emotional. Oh, right, okay. So my first, not my first partner, but the first person, first child I had was with my ex, Shari, and we, I was, this is amazing, I was flyering on the street in New York City and she walked up to me, that's how I met her. I was flyering for a comedy show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and then we were together for like 12 years, had a kid, had a horrible breakup. And it wasn't legal then. You know, I didn't have rights. So it was, that was a hard situation. And then I got remarried and we had, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that face. That face could make me shoot up and die. Like that could make me go to a horrible, look at that face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it is so aggressive. Look at her shirt. I know, I just noticed that. It's bad. A fairy. It's a fucking slot machine in Atlantic City. It's like a picture book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well now I'm triggered because you're triggered. I'm like, so you're fucking triggering me because you're another woman trying to silence me. So now I'm, so now we're both triggered. And I'm like, and by the way, you're 20 and rich and white from Williamsburg, Brooklyn. And I'm like, wait till you have children. You're going to be triggered from the second you get up in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also do a ton of shows for Jewish people and they're very, they, they voice their opinion all the time too. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, how, wait. She does these old timey shows. Oh I do, I, I do. They, they literally, they, they come up to you after and they always have a comment about your comedy. Uh huh. Like the only old Jewish people. And it's always nice and ends up nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, well the two of you are beautiful, I'm serious, you probably have beautiful kids. They're gorgeous. We got lucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Danielle, my wife, is the opposite. So she's a therapist and my mother's a therapist. I know, you can't make this shit up. Right? So, but Danielle is like, get over it. Like Irish Italian deals with teens, like a therapist with teens, so she's like, shut up and get over it. And my mom is more like old school. You talk about the same thing 500 times. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but like if Isabella falls, my three and a half year old, I think she needs to go to like a plastic surgeon and get a new leg. Like it's crazy how I react and Danielle's like, you're fine, get up. You know, are you guys different that way? Are you both?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's a problem. That's not even, like, how big?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, uh, normally, now we are on the same cycle. It's interesting you said that. Okay. And, uh, cause she just got her period again. I love that I'm talking about her period. Uhm, and it's not easy when you're both hormonal at the same time. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And some women will not, like, have sex with their period, even with another woman, and some could care less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know, I don't know. I don't go down low like that, so it has to be plugged up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, not everyone's open to anal, but it doesn't hurt that much if you go slow. You can actually make it a project.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like get a calendar and be like, no, last Friday we did the tip, you know, and just keep measuring it. It kind of brings people together. I feel like anal really brings people closer together. I'm with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that didn't, that doesn't come natural to me, like change diaper. I mean I do it, but it's not a natural thing. So it really depends. Cause I have my, like two of my stepbrothers were stay at home dads. And they were the ones who really took care of the kids. So it's different now, I feel like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel bad for male comics that are on the road and single and older and they're just so alone and they just fuck all- I mean I talk to them all the time about it and it's like, it's not fun anymore, it's boring, they want a wife, they want a partner, they want kids, I know, a lot of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he has cancer. It could be like a physical- Oh, that would be the best- Oh, that's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be interesting to have a- Because I went for a Masters in Social Work, so I'm very- Oh. Yeah. What-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what do you think about when you're having sex with a woman? Like, what do you think, trying to think about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seriously. Cause there's a self-image thing going on. That can affect everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause if you could get out of his head and literally like just into being present and into your, your, the situation, you would be, cause you're not present. That's why I feel about stand up. It's the only time I'm really present is when I'm performing. I'm really present.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you're worrying about them and how you're doing, and I think that's actually really common. I really do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And lesbian porn, it's funny that you're into that because it is not what you're seeing. That's not real lesbian sex. Oh, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We talked about your relationship and I felt like you were demeaning and I'm like, can you shut the fuck up? Can you seriously just shut up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Yea, exactly. And you're comparing yourself to other men that they're, okay. Yea, meaning I don't know them or anything. I don't know the other men. But I'm like, this is, I gotta be the best one. Do you think the intimacy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, I'm not on enough bandwidth to get on an intimacy level. Really? Sounds terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like being alone, I want them to go tell their friends that like, you know that, that guy? I mean, he doesn't look like much, but holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's, that, whether or not that's from my mother or father, there is 1 million percent the self-image issue going on, so whatever that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean I'll start it. I feel like that's an odyssey in itself. I mean, so what if it's wild


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was me. It really was. Well, I asked Tom, I was like, what intro clip do you want? And he's like, well, you know what we usually play, just play that. And so I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have some web, like I have some web action, but nothing too crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so for the 110 meter hurdles, uh, Sandor Ponyori from Budapest, Hungary, uh, has a record of 1540. That's my tribe. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he competed in the Paralympics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's up with my Instagram edits? I'm on a roll today because women are fucking stupid. Okay? They're fucking stupid. Okay? I don't understand why it's so difficult for good guys to meet a fucking sane woman. I don't understand why everyone was a fucking stupid idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Online dating has its benefits but it also has its problems. Mostly having to do with lack of context. No one really has tried to solve them until now. 3Neon is a dating app designed to reduce stress, frustration and worry from online dating and to help make your glass half full again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why aren't they replying? Are they just liking every profile? Should I send the first message? Do they even intend to meet? These are the common challenges that come with dating apps and can take the fun out of meeting new people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also added a YMH button in the settings that let other people know you're a fan of the podcast. Crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, if you're tired of typical dating app BS, then download 3Neon now. They'll be launching in the city that has the most downloads in the next 30 days first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So get that app now. That is very common, by the way, with new dating app development. I did a bunch of research on it, what these guys do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They make it available first on Android and later on iOS and what happens is whatever market gets the most downloads signed up on Android is like the first one where everything will launch and then it kind of grows from there. So go to the Google Play Store, search for 3 Neon, that's the number 3, the word Neon, 3 Neon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no spaces, download and install as soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As enough people in your area have downloaded it, the app will unlock. You can start dating minus the games. It's free, it's stylish, and it's a fresh take on using apps for dating. 3Neon was built to help people. It's the dating app for people sick of dating apps. 3Neon, worry less available for download on Android now and iOS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Kingston, New York with the Take It Down Tour. That's happening November 6th. I will be at the Ulster Performing Arts Center. That show is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On sale now that's in Kingston, New York, November 6th. I also just added a show in Windsor, Ontario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the Coliseum at Caesar's Windsor. That is going to be December 8th. That is on sale now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, make sure you get tickets to see that show. Those are just added.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, additionally, let's see, I'm gonna be in Canada very soon and other places if you wanna come to a show. You could probably still get tickets, a few tickets left to the late show in Toronto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's August 15th, the Late Show in Winnipeg August 16th and the Late Show in Vancouver August 17th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From there I roll on to the South, Memphis, Knoxville, Greenville, Charleston, Durham, and Charlottesville. Uh, make sure you get tickets. Those are all at TomSagura.com slash Thor. Check out the rest of the dates. Uhm, still got a bunch of cities that I'm coming to, including some European dates. TomSagura.com slash Thor. Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another quick note, uhm, if you don't know, one of our favorite comics is Chad Daniels. He has a comedy special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been out for a minute called, Dad Chaniel. It's absolutely hilarious. He is one of the best comedians working today. Luckily for you, if you have Amazon Prime, you can check that out right now. You can also listen to it, uhm, if you wanna listen to the audio streaming everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apple music, Amazon, Spotify, wherever you listen to comedy, check out the new


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right as we pulled up here to record this segment, I was on the phone with my cousin, and I told my cousin, you can spend the night at our house tomorrow if you come over, and then you said to her, and you can finger your pussy while you're there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, anyone who hasn't done that hasn't lived. Next time you have a, you could feel like a big fart coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're, like, you're standing up, take your clothes, be butt naked, and take your hand and just jiggle your cheeks. No, no, no. Jiggle your cheeks. Nobody gets it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pitch. Yeah, the pitch will change. So it'll go like... It's like revving an engine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not nasty, you're the one that told me you basically est in your panties at Nordstrom's. I did. In the dressing room. Well here's what I was wondering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, you always put on this show about like, Tom's gross, I mean, you fart and burp all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes you do, you do it all the time. You do it at the table, you'll go, baaah. And then, see the other thing, you'll just like casually pass by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She definitely knew. Yeaah. And it happens all the time. She's walking into far clouds all day. She definitely is. Yeaah. Happens all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, of course. Uhm, you wanna, you wanna play this opening clip? I'm so excited. You are really excited about this. I don't know what we're gonna watch. It's so great. I'll just, I'll play it and then we can get into the done and dirty of it. Yea, I can't wait. Okay, here. Here you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what he's saying at all? This is an Irish man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, it was just sent to me on Twitter by Dara Quilty. That's the guy's name, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He sent me this and he was like, I hope to see this on your mom's house. And I watched it and I was like, I'm sending this right away to Blue Band. And yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does. He actually, the way you can tell that he does is in his answers, he'll say what the guy's saying. He's like, he's like explaining it. Here it is from the beginning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're listening, if you're listening, he, he appears to not make eye contact at all. I don't know if he is blind, right? Cause he doesn't look at the guy he's meeting at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I kinda pick up on a little bit of what he's saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know, this is a Master of Accidents segment, but I don't like, I'm most troubled by where he's looking. He's not looking anywhere near where the guy is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But maybe he's never seen a camera before. Like maybe he's like, the fuck is that thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's Europe and this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hola. And that guy's like, so it's great, the tourists are coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best thing about, about the town is O'Connor's bar. The bar that he's in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, I just jacked off. He did. You hear him say it? He said it. He goes, I just jacked off at the very end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. That's a really good master of accents. I mean that really brought it back to me, you know? I need to work on the muscle again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, yeaah, it's a lady at a drive-thru that's on fire. She's at a Burger King that's on fire. The employees have left, and the reason they left the building is because it's on fire. And the lady's like, I want my money. I guess she hasn't been given her change yet. Right. Oh, right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until now, we just didn't know that this lunacy happened. And then the rest of the world is lucky that we get to showcase it to you. So in case, in case you miss it in your personal life, we're here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, it bothers you after a while though, you know, when you start talking to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then you're like, oh, I want to fucking kill myself. Talking to this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great for a lot of guys. Yeaah. Like an ideal. I don't know, I mean, it's different from guy to guy. I just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't do it after, I don't know, I couldn't even do it in my early 20s really. Like, I could go on a date and like put it in your mouth but I don't feel like I'm not gonna keep calling you if you're a total TikTok, you know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, if it's unbearable to talk, that was, I mean, I went on dates where I was like, holy shit, I want to die right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went on a date with a cashier that I met at Target. Not that that's why she's a Dalmatian, it's just where I met her. And I actually asked her for her number, she gave it to me, I picked her up, and she was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what does she look like? What's her deal? She's blonde. You like blondes? Yep. She's cute. She's hot. I don't know. She's just good looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she's just hot. No, she's just hot. You just didn't- I was like, she's hot. I was like, put your fucking phone number on there. Oh stop. I did. Be honest. I swear to God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I'd never done it. I remember I'd never done that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, here's your receipt. And I was like, oh, I said something like, yeah, why don't you put your number on there too? And she did. And then I just walked away and I was like, oh, I'm going to call her, try this. I took her out. I picked her up and I'm in college. She's living at home. So she's like 19 or something and I'm 21.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I come, I go to her house and her dad answers the door. I was like, oh shit. And he, he was, you know, just polite, but like, have her home by like midnight or something. I was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I take her to dinner. Where do you go? I don't remember the name of the place. What city is this in? Florida? No, it's North Carolina. Okay, okay. So I take her to dinner and it is like pulling fucking teeth. It's like, you know, so what are you like, what are you doing right now? It's like, uhm, I'm working there and then I'm taking this class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool, uh, do you like it? It's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like that. And then I had friends meet up, like uh, like Justin and his girlfriend, and then she just like sat at the chair, and you know, we would talk, and then I'd be like, I mean I'd try to involve her, like, do you think, I mean would you go to that? And she'd be like, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, but she also was like, uh, you wouldn't think like, oh she's having a bad time. She was just like, I don't, almost like she didn't know how to go on a date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe she was shy. Yeah, she was shy. And I didn't realize that when I asked her out, but I realized that a few minutes into the, like, you know, an hour I was like, this is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. You know? But I, listen, I was, I was totally polite and, and I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not really. You know, she says a few things. I mean, it's, you know, it's a long time ago. She says a few things, but like, it was obvious that like the idea that we would have easy conversation was foreign. Oh my God. It was like, it was so, it was like, it was like I was talking to someone who didn't speak English. Like someone who was just kind of tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, the thing is that there is someone for everyone. So like, I mean, I sometimes I think I'm like, you know, that, that box of hair that I took out. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even a little bit. She probably found the perfect match. She went on a date with a guy who was like, God, it's great sitting here with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to go out on a limb and just say, I mean, like, yeah, there's, there wasn't a McDonald's on fire. There's a Burger King on fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I know, they probably have faulty wiring. Of course, cheap, efficient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say this, if we can find Bitch Here I Go, I mean-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, she's a fucking- She's got a retainer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way she's not severely under-medicated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could stumble over them when you're done blowing smoke up that guy's ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was pretty cool, uhm, is it in there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's gotta get it in his ass first. Yeah, you put the bike handle in your ass, then you get ready. You know what I mean? It's like you get the lotion, you get the cleaning, you gotta get ready to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To, to a company, I can go with him, I assume, and get him waxed. And he said yes, he said he'll get waxed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long has it been like that? Uh, forever. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to tell you, I didn't think I would be so upset as when I saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you actually are like, you're planning in your head, like I'm not taking this off, but I'm going to just act like I'm lost in the moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Can't wait to see it. Kay. Uhm, alright, we'll take a quick break and we'll be back with a guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And joining us now is a dear friend. He's like a son to me. He hosts...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The honeydew podcast, but you can watch right here on our YouTube channel every Tuesday at noon. It debuts the honeydew with Ryan sickler. It's Ryan sickler. Thank you. Thank you guys. Thanks for coming back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember the, even, like the idea of seatbelts as a kid? Cause I remember being just like, you just jump in a car and no one even mentioned them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was, I was a teenager and my dad was looking at a car, I forget, it was some type of sports car. You know, Camaro or whatever. And the guy, the guy goes, seatbelt's right over here, I don't use them. But like he was bragged, like he was like, he was like, I don't know if you're gay, but we don't, like that's how he said it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to a junkyard, get a fucking card just like yours, cut that little clip out, put it in there, and then it's done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you had the auto brake thing in a car?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it at a stoplight where I had just gotten the car and I looked down and distracted it hit the gas and the car stopped itself. Really? Cause the car in front of me hadn't moved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think a kid should go, like, what do you think a kid should be wearing? Helmet. Just a helmet. Just a helmet, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The wood paneling. When we went on a field trip once in, uh, Milwaukee and we went, we went downtown and we're at a stoplight and this is like winter in Milwaukee and there's this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looked like maybe like a 19 to 20 year old black dude. Skinny black dude standing at the corner. And we're all like sitting at the windows. We're in like 6th grade. And he just pulls his pants down, takes his dick, and wags it at us all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, this is nuts. Can I tell Christina? Yeaah, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's two holes. There's two holes. There's a barrier in it. It's divided. But it's got two holes. Like your nose. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just side to side, you know. You hit that pussy front to back, my that's just side to side girl, left to right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just reporting back. Just reporting back. I'm just telling you. I didn't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you've had some weird shit happen, I'm sure. I have had some weird shit happen. What's the freakiest shit you've had happen with someone you didn't know and you start hooking up with?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just for the story, is this the first time you're having sex?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever hook up again? No, that was it dude. Those are one and done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's probably part of the thrill, like you don't know what's about to happen to you right now. When I pin you down with my head. That is absurd. That was aggressive. That was really aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ew! What? So, I hung out with this couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This couple came to my show in Atlantic City and this was like, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least eight years ago, okay, and I'm working the club and they're hanging out. They come to the show and they're just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like early 40s, but you can tell like they're cool, they party, and they're also like both good looking. Like they, you're like, you don't belong here. You know what I mean? Like when they're stand out from everybody, they're just like put together. And so they asked to buy me a drink and I'm having a drink and they're just, they're fun and they're telling stories. I'm like, so what's your guys deal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're about to get married, uhm, and it's a second marriage for both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, oh, so what happened before? They're telling me their whole backstory. And I'm like, and you could tell that they're so open and not like, there's no jealousy about like, oh, when this happened, when that happened. So I'm like, when you guys were after your marriages, but before you met each other, what's like some of the, you know, more,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were like single for the first time. What were some of your dating stories? So they start sharing them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She tells some story about, uhm, I don't know, some guy she met and he, you know, with some type of crazy sex, I don't know, like anal sex on the first night. She's like, that was wild, this is the only time I ever did that. She goes, he's got a better one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, what, what is it? And he goes, well, so, you know, I'm kind of, I've been divorced for like, let's say six months. I started going out and I go out with this beautiful, um, very sophisticated and successful doctor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we're going out, we have good chemistry, and so like the first time we're about to have sex, she tells me, oh uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm having my period right now. And he's like, I don't give a fuck. I'm like 44 years, you know what I mean? I'm a grown man. I'm not, this is not children's shit to me, right? Yeah, it's one thing to have sex on your period. So he's like, he's like, she's like self-conscious about it. He's like, doesn't bother me at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, they have sex, and he's like, you know, it's fine, it's good. And then, uhm, when


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we're done having sex, he's like, you know, obviously I have like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, she cleans herself off him. Yes. With her mouth. Licks. Licks it all up. And then she's like, what do you think of that? And he's like, that's pretty wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After that, he's dating her. He's dating her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, as a thing, he's bringing her to dinners and uh, you know, like social events and all of his friends and everybody's like, yo, you hit the fucking home run because they see she's beautiful. She's a doctor. She's very successful. And like, so everyone's like, this is your fucking next wife. And he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said that when he broke, he's like, I break up with her and everyone's like, you're a fucking moron. Because they, you know, they've been his friends for years and he's, they're like, she was gorgeous. She's a doctor. She's got money. Like she's successful. What are you doing? And he starts telling his friends and they're all like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put it together and they're like, oh, okay. I see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. How crazy is that? That's definitely how he knows he likes cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there's also like this kind of terrifying quality to her, that like, if you told me, do you know that right after this video, she killed a few people? Like, right, the look in the eyes, the shaved head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see that clip, did you see that clip of Alex Jones on Rogan? It was like a big, big thing where he returned to the show after years and they were fighting and then he's like telling them this like, he's having a real moment, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On her Twitter, yea, and then it was shared so many times and passenger shaming posted it also on the, uh, the best Instagram account. Oh my god. Uh, this, a person who knows Alifair Burke sent the message. She is on a flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also pretty fucking impressive. There is a, it's a little impressive. It's old, so it can be so hard to pull up, but ye- like five years ago, maybe more, Kumail Nanjiani was on a flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This might have been three years ago. And the thread was of a guy sitting like across the aisle from him on a flight who took his pants off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's, it was, I remember being on Twitter and reading his thread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, and then he said like, you know, when they finally talked to him like hours into this flight, he stands in the aisle, puts his pants on in the aisle, took him off in the aisle. It's like, it's really nuts, man. Really crazy. Right? Cause it, what's the, the, the next, the one with the, the writing. No, no, right next to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, this was a flight too, have you seen this? This is also, this happened on a flight and this was sent in. This is actually kind of cute though. This little kid, look at this little kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I went to that gym in the south bay where we used to live down there. There's a bunch of old dudes. It's always old. They would use, I'm not kidding, one dude I watched walk up to it, spread his cheeks and dried his ass. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, he was like, that's what this is for. And then face forward and have it dry his pubes and his dick and balls. He just stood right in front of it. And talked to people. Hey Chuck, you wanna go hit the links on Saturday? Full conversation, hairdryer drying his ass and his balls. Didn't even blink. Talk to the people. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the other TikToks underneath that one? I'm sure Ryan would like to see them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And only reason I know, first of all, what TikTok is cause you engage in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a parent and a child. And this guy plays to the little. So he's like, I'm, I'm the father figure. Like, uh, were you misbehaving today? So he's talking to us as if we're the child right now. Yes. That's his whole, that's his whole feed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't even walk by it. Wait a minute. Oh, it's two more miles to get to school? Walk the other fucking way. Yeah, go to the next one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a fan. We gotta get you a real fucking activity, Christina. Wait, let me see this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to do this as a food challenge for, for Derek. I said I'll give you 20 bucks if you eat like two tablespoons of mustard and he wouldn't do it. Pull up that cool story that guy told. This lady does this. Does that help with headaches though, mustard? No. I've never heard that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a good story. You're a storyteller, you like stories. Love them. This is a good story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how she found this, this is just my favorite story. You just go through these? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see, yea, let me see that again. She bit him right out of it. This is my favorite part, if you scroll forward in the video, and then they go like, see how there's someone eating a brush? Keep going, keep going, keep going, yea, they're eating a brush. Oh look, but the mirror moved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we know what he's jerking off to at night. Why don't you pull up the other ASMR? We haven't even seen that yet. Fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that, just tearing through that brush, man. Ripping it up, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, it's, it's, you're wiring, right? Like you're either in or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he took his headphones off. Doesn't like the sound?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did he take him off? He doesn't like scissor sounds? It's too intense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna do a podcast. I think we should do one outta here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just like fucking take a sip of something mother fucker. What you like here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck was it? I don't know. He says, I mean, it looks like he's smoking something. That might be PCP or something. He just pulled in hard. Yea, that's not a joint. He hit the shit out of that thing. Let me see it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, do you wanna give, can we, can we pull up the three intros and have him weigh in on them? Is that something you could do or no? No? And I can't play it off of this at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, you've been, you know, you like our theories? I like it. Uh, you've been friends with us a long time, and you know, that shit's about to come to an end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so what ended up happening was the guys, because we had like beef about, you know, how the intro should sound, should it change, the three guys in there each made a intro and submitted it as like, could this be the new intro? So the first one is based on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina's TikToks? And so, Blue Band submitted that and was like, this is a- Don't tell me who did them. Oh, sorry. That's okay, but I know who did them. Oh yeah, don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is the, uh, the next one. Let me see if I can get this to play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what those are is those are more recent drops. In line with the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's that one. Now this is the last one. And there's no point in trying to mask who it is. Okay. So what happened here was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would put Potter, only because who knows what that guy's gonna fuckin' do in his career. At any moment that shit spirals out of control, you gotta change that fuckin' intro. You know what I'm sayin'? Right. He's pretty unstable. Yeah. Uh, so, of those choices, I think I would take the, what is it? The new drops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all my favorite. Solid logic though. It is solid logic. It is pretty great though, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You stupid fuckin' bitch. Play her again? Final goodbyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, can we show, uh, can you pull up, um, Uncle Terry on Scam City? Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We find, we found out that there's a show on Netflix right now called Scam City. And Scam City, it's people tell you their tales of traveling to different parts of the world and how they basically got scammed, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a cool show. And we found that one of our personal stars, like someone we've highlighted is on the show in a sincere way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so the story is like that, and then here you can see the next guy here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy on the right, keep watching, that's Terry. So he's telling the story on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's fucking a fuck sleeve with a butt plug in. He's what? He has a fuck sleeve? With beads in it? And he has a butt plug in his ass. And he has a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's actually been on our show twice, and we didn't even realize that that right there is his second appearance. A hundred episodes earlier, he was on our show in, uh, in this capacity. This is him, obviously from a video that was even older. Check him out here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that. He's been doing, he's been in this, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at his face. He loves it. He loves it. Oh man, I feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We brought in a friend of a friend to serve drinks. I saw ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all, all we said was her first name. That, that's it. Never gave out any other information. Uh, like it's not somebody I'm connected to, so like if you went to like my page, you'd see who I follow. In like two hours, like, we found her. And like all the people were like, we found her. I have no idea how. Just knowing her name, they found her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a fan, just like a stand-up comedy fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Ryan, where are you gonna be? Do you have any dates coming up? When's this come out? I don't know. Ryan, or Blue Band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back, we were just discussing how horrible it is to share a Netflix account with Christina, but we're back from lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could be, it could be, but it also could be that, you know, you could concede a little bit on the Netflix watching, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi. So, Stephen Randolph is here. He is a great comedian. We see him at the store quite often. Very funny guy. But also I gotta tell you, so what prompted this whole thing was a few months ago,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're fortunate enough to have uh, 2Short and Kevin Blatt, am I saying that right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] KB came in here and the first thing they said when they were like, literally in the lobby, they were like, man, have you heard Stephen Randolph stories? And I was like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, you got, I mean that's how they introduce themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when, when that, when that first prescription ends, you know what I mean? Like when you, do you immediately go like, Oh, everything still hurts. I gotta get more. Or like, how do you, you know what I mean? Like how do you ramp, keep it going on that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's outrageous. Uhm, now, so one of the, like, the main story that, like, that kind of piqued my interest is that you met your now lovely wife


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how long you courted, but from what I understand, what you were going to tell me about was about your first, was it a first official date? A first official date. So did you, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, so you see, you see the, when you're at the reverse bukkake, the women are squirting in the guy's face. Are you super turned on? Are you like, I gotta get out of here? Or is it just like a fun, crazy environment to be in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could see that, cause it's like, it's not like, on my list, if you were like, what turns you on the most, I wouldn't be like, probably like a squirting festival. But I could see how being at it, you're like, this is some wild shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to imagine one of your, uh, like, guys who's using, like, you're his realtor for industrial real estate, and then he sees you somewhere, and you're like, in a gi doing coke, and you're like, you go to Bukkake? And he's just like, I'm gonna fucking buy from this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love when we soundproof this place, we had like this Israeli guy come and he gave us like a really good quote, and then like when he would follow up with them, the quote would go up every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mother is the same, my mother is the same way that people that, my mom is from Peru, people that she's most suspicious of are Latin people. Just any Latin, any, like if there's a Latin guy, she'd like keep an eye on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So would you be, can I ask you, would you be, because heroin's always portrayed as like nodding off, which I mean it does happen to people, right? Passing out. People look like, at this point, you do heroin, does it make you social? Are you social enough?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yes, yes, I heard about this. Now wait, just to uhm, just to understand this. So the audience is not gonna see what we're gonna see, right? Okay, and this is a long video. But we'll just kinda...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you're talking. It's funny cause like, I can't even, it's weird that it doesn't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's soul sickness, it's spiritual sickness is what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you something about, it kinda sucks that like they, uhm, you gotta get, you gotta get ready just like sitting on the couch. Yeah, they don't have any fluffers. You're kinda on your own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you guys have never seen, by the way, the documentary Hated. Great. So good. And Todd Phillips made it, who, you know, of course did the hangover movies, the new Joker movies coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's jump ahead to something though. So, you're doing all this shit, tell me about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I'll just tell you this. It is an amazing story. Thank you. I can tell that you are a completely different person and I feel like it's important to you that people know that and I think people pick up on that. Awesome. Thank you. I think you're a good guy. I appreciate that. You're a funny guy. Thank you. It is an outrageous fucking story. It's a crazy tale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just one of those things where you're like, yeah, that was a crazy time. Yeah, it was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In retrospect, I had an incident that should have, twice, should have scared the fuck out of me, which was, like, you know when you alcohol blackout, you go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I don't remember what happened. I know I drank a lot. Dude, a GHB blackout is like, you didn't do things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you don't remember, you were actually out, like close to, close to death. Yeah, yeah, you were like, you were fucking close to flatlining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just fuck a bunch of girls, go to Bukakis and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they had a prayer vigil at the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the hospital. So people had lit candles and were like, it worked. I guess. Yea, it worked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. I really appreciate it. If you want to see more, you can click on any of these videos in this general area. And also, if you haven't subscribed, please do. It helps feed our cats. If you don't have any cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're here in Clarnie because we've been invited by a very special character. I hear he's a local legend. And his name is Sham!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sam, how are you? We're here in Killarney today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're doing great for 71, aren't you? Oh, of course you will, yeaah. Absolutely. And what's the crack like with all the lads here in the bar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're doing great for 71, aren't you? Thank God. Oh, of course you will, yeah. Absolutely. And what's the crack like with all the lads here in the bar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everyone wants to pumper forager. Everyone wants to splooge in my dog. Yeah. That's what his shirt said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to Walmart. I'm going to Walmart. Okay. I'm going to Walmart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Oh, that's the- having my lunch? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I live my life by a simple credo. You stand behind me, I'll protect you. You stand beside me, I respect you. You stand against me, I'll end you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have some new news, some new news. November 14, Pensacola, Florida. November 15, Lake Charles, Louisiana at the Golden Nugget Lake Charles Grand Event Center. December 5, Erie, Pennsylvania. December 6, Columbus, Ohio. And December 7,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Toronto, uh, August 15th. Winnipeg August 16th. Vancouver August 17th. Durham, North Carolina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, September 14th, Denver, September 28th, Minneapolis, October 11th, and then Amsterdam and Dublin both have added shows. That's October 28th and November 3rd, all at TomSegura.com slash tour. Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Jean? Yea bro. You all set? I'm real, I'm ready, I'm excited. Let's open the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Call anything I've seen for the last month, is why is your intro so short?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, match man. I mean, it could easily, we could do an hour of just the intro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, do you guys want just a solo intro episode? Where we just play the intro for an hour?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry bruh. I like that it's throwing your game off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he was like, that is the most insulting thing you can say to somebody. He's like, no it's not. No, it's not. No, you're just a ginger. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can say it with pejorative flavor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking morning. It changes everything. It does change everything. You know what never changes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my favorite, I mean, things just to start. First of all, she has bad ears on. She says, my name is Batarina, but don't fucking call me that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think of a way to say it. Prison? Yeah, you see it like white trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever you do, don't fucking piss me off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But God is really real, but you only have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're, yeaah, they're here. They're, uh, people who have their own Olympics and, uh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also that this, yeaah, this video, you can only watch this if you're Hufflepuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you take the quiz? I'm hard fucking core and all of us are slithering. I wish I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's a full, like that's a great profile of a person. Here's my name, don't call me that. And never piss me off. Cause bad things will happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. There's something going on, there's a lot of things going on, uh, on his face and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, to our listeners. Well, I mean, it was all, you know, he, his videos, I'm waiting for my lunch. I'm waiting for my lunch. But then like, he just, he looks different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I promise you this, I promise you this, this girl could make Josh cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is a fucking savage. 100% you would, you would just, you would fall apart if you were with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, she would fuck you six ways to Sunday and you would, you'd just be begging for more. And then you'd be in within moments. You'd be like, I gotta get out of here. And then she would stalk you and she'd put shit in your mailbox. She'd mail things to your mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you'd be like, I gotta get away from you. And then she would tempt you again with that sweet sweet butthole and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're not, if you're just listening, when you pull this up, you'll look at these eyes and you'll be like, two things I know for sure. I can't not come and she'll ruin my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, an always solid thing for any white person to do is explain how


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saying the n-words cool for you and that you know a black person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even my friend's dad, he knows someone and that guy's black too. So how am I racist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If my dad's friend's black, how can I be racist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, there's a guy who's not a child, uhm, he's an adult man, he's probably 19 or something. He's wearing camo pants, four jackets, and a camo hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, maybe like seven, eight year olds. It's different. Usually when it's somebody over three feet tall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the sincerity of it is what really takes it to another level. What was next?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta save my sister. And then she goes, I'll talk to you later. Bye. Bye. One more time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, you can spend time looking at these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't go outside. Drink water, you gotta stay inside when it's hot. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot- I mean it's- Babe, everybody you've shown me is mentally ill. Everybody. Everybody has something severely wrong with them. Or her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fuckin', there's a wound bl- wounded soldier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I do relate to her and I want to hundredly specifically agree with her on that. Yeah. Yeah. I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's always a, that's a good start to any sentence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're always looking, you know, you kinda gotta peruse the TLC lineup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On a monthly basis? Cause they'll just drop gems on you out of nowhere. Well we're still waiting for Smothered to come out. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a, we, we saw lost in transition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is a transition series, which is fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then we also just got to see too fat to transition, which was phenomenal. They had a bio woman transitioning to be a man and a bio man transitioning to be a woman and they were both fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they went to the doctor and the doctor was like, I will perform the surgery if you're not so fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and then they had to go on this, they had to really commit to, and actually, I mean, I don't want to spoil it for you, but one did well and one did not so well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, especially if you're like, this is the only thing I want. Cause both people were like, this is what I need to feel complete. Which you can, you know, empathize with. You're like, okay. And then you see who basically is being


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honest about how I can't not get this done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just sent an email into them. You guys missed the boat on trans fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyways, if you want to go on the TLC app,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, uh, you can watch Too Fat to be Burt and... I mean, you can watch Too... Too Burt to transition. Whatever. It's a fun show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, oh, before I forget, uhm, people have loved these posters that I've had on the road and we threw up the overstock of, like, uh, Paul Grenise is this amazing, uhm, designer and he, he did the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one that I'm most excited about. Do you have the photos that I sent you of the thing that's going to be in the store?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you put that in there? Yeah, okay. So in the meantime, I'll just tell you anyways, these are all in the store now. It's merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura, but we had to also, um, throw something new in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To commemorate, celebrate what Charo did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of the legendary Charro Fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so amazing, and then she turns, you see it, see the smile? Look at that smile, she's so proud right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I have you're not my son anymore merch. So we have a mug that says you're not my son anymore and her face is on it. And then it says big farts brewing on the other side. And then we have a couple of shirts in men's and women's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you go to the store, uh, the, the, what's it called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The mug is on sale, the shirts are on pre-sale, but uh, you can see there's the, there's the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Impacted people the way that my mom's fart did. I mean, I got so many messages. I got texts from people that I never speak to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like people, yes everybody. I mean I had relatives be like holy shit. People in Peru hit me up, people here, like it was just, and that's my favorite thing that you couldn't really see that well is that she, she's satisfied with what she did. Right, she's anticipated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, it was just a thrill. Uh, a quick update by the way that we didn't, uhm, we were gonna have, uh, the Tiger Belly crew here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kalyla, sorry. But then Bobby is sick, so he's not going to be able to make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's hopefully he feels better soon. Um, so you know, uh, that's actually a voicemail on my phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it is, it's exactly like that, but what the difference is, this came to my phone, I sent it to Bobby, and then I saw him at the store, and I was like, what's, what's she saying? He goes, she's speaking Chinese. And I go, yea, what is she saying? And he goes, I'm Korean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking too that Ronnie's okay, because that one was first, and on the second one she's just like, oh hey, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember that. A week and a half ago. You know, it was, uh, it was interesting. It sounded like an animal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I thought it was something special because I'd never heard anything like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, sometimes I have duck sounds and stuff, things like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is my absolute favorite thing to do as I love that she always goes to bed before me. So I love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you fell, fell asleep and I just go like, and you go, I was, I had just fallen asleep and I like that. And I also like, like six, 15, you know, I feel it and I rip it and you're like, what a nice alarm to wake up to. Those are my two favorite parts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina, we actually were, this is what the idea came from. We were looking at houses. Yes. And we were looking at houses a while ago. And uhm, we're not looking for a house anymore. But anyways, we were looking at houses. Cause it's just, it's just interesting. You're like, we're, you know, we're like house shopping, right? You can see what's out there. So we, we're touring this one house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they go, this is the master bathroom. And they had it built in, into the master bathroom, a coffee station.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, oh yeaah, this is just like, you open the cabinet and you see the thing comes, like when you stay in a hotel, it sometimes has like a, you know, like yeaah, the coffee station in the hotel, and you just think of it as automatically being there, it's like not, it's not odd, but in a home, for the bathroom to have it, we were like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like yea, so this way like you wake up and you have your coffee right there. Anyway, you took the initiative. Thank you. To order basically what you see in hotels or in this home and put it in the fucking bathroom. Yea bro. So now you get up and like 6.15 you have a coffee. I'm telling you I now shit 10 minutes after I wake up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the first thing I sent my mom, which is a mug of her passed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I said it to her, she was like, this is a picture of me dead. And I was like, yea, that's the funny part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and if you like Dunkin' Coffee, you're a garbage person. It is such shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you have to really, really spell it out for a Duncan employee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you, when you want, I mean, basically every Duncan employee would be in your TikTok fucking algorithms, okay? They are as dumb as they get. Of course, yea. Duncan is just a bottom feeders man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they rebranded and they changed their name to Duncan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walk in there and you see somebody behind the counter and you see why you need to go to middle school and learn to read and graduate school and fucking get your life together. You just walk into Duncan. It's, it really is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a huge fan. He's fucking wrong. It's disgusting. It's the worst. I say the same thing to my dad. I say it, the exact same thing I'm saying to you about Duncan, I say it straight up to my own father's face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, this is dog shit. He's just like, nah, he's like, I like it more than it. And people are like, well Starbucks, you know, is not the, I agree, that is not the best coffee in the world. I'm not saying it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real primo coffee. I'll tell you, the best one that I'd ever had, uh, was that Seven Seeds brand from Australia?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Surfer. He has that, uhm, I was at Joe's studio and, uh, he sent his coffee brand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over to Joe. It, uh, you make, it has turmeric in it and whatever it's called. That was one of the best cups of coffee I've ever had. Now that is, blows away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A Michelin star chef make you an omelette or something, right? So it's kind of like not even fair to compare it, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get kicked out of a place, they send you a fuckin' Pete's coffee. That's a shit mix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like you're getting off heroin and, and you're, you're living in a halfway house. They give you Duncan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Duncan, Duncan diarrhea? I mean, it's definitely down there. It's funny though, people, they, they, they swear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking bullshit. I've stepped in there plenty of times and I have had your piss water and it is nothing to fucking write home about. So. What about, what about? Now their donuts are fine, but Tim Horton's coffee


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my favorite. But like the best coffee's always gonna be like something that it's not in a chain, you know, like it's gonna be some gourmet shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is real footage. This is a rescue operation. So, you know, I don't know what led this individual being rescued, but you can see that the helicopter has them on that, you know, the rope


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the person is laying on a stretcher, you know, secured and now the helicopter is going to take them out. Okay. So just go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the person that is being attracted is a 74 year old woman. So it's just to keep it in mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they said it's something about like, I mean, I think the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way that the hoist, uhm, was tied down, I guess usually they have something that keeps it, you know, balanced? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They could probably make money. Like you wanna, you wanna feel what that old lady felt right before she died? Get in here. Jesus Christ, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I already like him, he's just the sweetest. Oh, before I forget, uhm, people have flipped out at the closing song from episode 500 that Brendan Urie did. That song is on your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we have our regular Your Momma's House podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, feed, where you can get, watch this show, you can watch Dr. Drew After Dark, you can watch the Honeydew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those get uploaded to that channel, but we also have a clips channel that just plays highlights. That song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is on there right now. Uh, I know I've gotten a lot of messages about being able to play that song and I talked to Brendan Urie and he said he's gonna set something up where people I think might be able to play it on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I feel like I've had this, uh, I got sick a few weeks ago. I swear to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's funny to me that like, I don't even register a guy. Now, I'll tell you this. Here's one that's fucked up. You're sitting next to a stranger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Continually does it? That's what, you know what I mean? It could be in a movie theater, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sitting next to a guy doing that for two hours? Yeah, that's fucking crazy. But like, just walking around. No, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the perfect transition because I want to get him in here and hear about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want Josh to lose some weight, transition, come in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sit down, I want to talk about what's going on with his balls. I would love to. We're going to switch up here and I'm going to tell you also that I appreciate all the feedback we got about requested guests. We went ahead and put out invitations to Nicole Byer, Anthony Jeselnik.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love Dom, so funny. Anyways, we reached out to everybody that was requested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Invitation only. And uhm, I love that people were so emphatic about who they wanted to hear and we reached out to absolutely every single one of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, let's switch up and let's, uh, let's get our very own cockroach on the couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it is that time again. Everybody's favorite is back in the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying like some people's like that's somebody's turn on. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a lot of people's turn


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm saying, it's one thing to have mascara coming down, it's another thing to be like, to see suffering and be like, I'm worked up right now, this is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has a great kickboxing game. Okay, good, good, good. But you have airfare, you have, or you have your ticket, you have a hotel booked. Yeah, uhm, so I have a bag that I'm gonna give you, we need to go over some of the things, but you're giving him gifts, and uhm, cold hard cash, too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also, I was gonna say this, is that uhm, I'm going to be going to New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Own assumptions about Robert's financial literacy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would really love it too if you could manage, um, either at least drinks or dinner outside just to see what the natural world is like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It should all take place, of course. I'm saying if you're there and it's like you're leaving and you go, hey, uh, what are you doing for lunch tomorrow? He's like, ah, I got a designer meeting. Or you're like, do you want to just grab a coffee or something? I just would love to see what you pick up on in the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Speaking of busting nuts, the whole world waits. I'm so excited for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether you have nutted with a person. I still have not. I'm trying out there folks. We told the listening and watching viewing audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That if, if they wanted to submit on their own a video of why they should be the one to make you come, because for those that don't know at this moment, you can finish but not with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, I'll fly you out and I'll put you up and whatever happens is on your own and you, you know, you don't have to do anything, but I'll give you the opportunity to be in close proximity to Josh. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll give her a call for you if you win. No I'm saying, I think she should win. She can do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, then she's like, uh, she is not going to lose. I feel like this person, if you were like, yeah, she'll be like, great, we're going to do this other thing now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So far, I feel like, here's the thing, she's game for whatever, you go like, can we try this? She's gonna be like, yup, you can try that. I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our humor? She's cool. Yeah, you don't need, you don't want some middle school chick who's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I like about this one. I thought this might be start off like kind of generic or something. Pointed out that she's like, you can't come to Canada. So she knows, I need to come to you also that you like, you're a fan of lesbian behavior. And she's like, I can also supply that for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying if you're Josh, he's fucking over the moon right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's, let's be, let's be more even explicit. You deserve none of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have to celebrate how wonderful these people are to make this video and send it in. Oh my god man. I love all of you, the three of you, the three of you who did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing that's insane. I think that, look, they're all amazing, I think they're all beautiful, and they all would try to make you come. But the fact that the one also mentioned one of your favorite things, which is lesbian behavior, and that she would- And she's gonna bring another one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it would be a real bummer if you were like, ah, I got into this with these two women and then, you know, I couldn't come so I, or they couldn't make me come to the night jerk. You gotta try, we need you to try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So will you reach out and see if, uh, she wants to meet Josh at an upcoming show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's incredibly kind. Incredibly kind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything else? I think we gotta...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty wild, pretty wild episode. Always. Yea, and I can't believe that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, well, alright, uhm, ready to do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, it's uhm, we wanted to make sure we did it at the end and not at the top, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time, eh, you know, people have been asking for a while about Theo, so, it's, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's tough to say it, but uhm, uh, Theo died, uhm, last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was obviously a big part of our lives. He was a part of our family. And uh, he was actually part of the show for a long time, you know, when we started doing this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Theo would, uh, jump in and, uh, talk and, uhm, he, uh, you know, he would do segments, we would bring him to shows, a lot of you met Theo at the shows and, uhm, you know, made artwork and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was sick, for people who don't know, he was sick for a while. Uh, he was sick and he was on meds and uhm, you know, we knew we were like entering the kind of,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they gave us like that range, so you kinda just don't, we weren't really expecting it the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He definitely, you know, he changed my life. I'll be honest with you, you know, I give, I give you all the credit for uhm, you got on this,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brussels, if you ever saw, uh, what is it, the, the movie, uh, with Jack Nicholson. As good as it gets. As good as it gets, you know, that, that Dogs of Brussels. And, you know, we started looking, I remember photos and videos, and then you, you know, looking at society, Brussels society, and we found this, uh, shelter. It's a kilt shelter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We told our, we were renting a, uh, a guest room, a guest house, and we told the landlord about it the day after we got him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, we rescued him. He got really sick. There I am wearing his shirt too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we even, you know, this was before we were selling tickets or anything. We had to do a fundraiser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a week out of our own and we were like, oh shit. And, uh, man, you know, we took him all over the country. Uh, we took him, that's the first day we got back with Bitsy and he was like, fuck this dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of course the name switch, so he was, we adopted him and he was Theo Huxtable. Uhm, he was our messy son who didn't pick up after himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was selling cigarettes, taking gambling, uh, bets taking, you know, selling coke. He was doing all kinds of crazy shit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we never, yeah, we never, oh my god, for sure. He was, he was the best. He totally, totally changed. I mean, I, you know, I would go into the, when I take him on the road too, and I'd go into radio stations with him and then here's me, this big dude, and they're like, are you one of these fucking little dog guys, brings your dog around? And I was like, yeah, I guess so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, you know, I would do anything for that dog. Oh, me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you realize, like, what they bring out of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really was a special guy. He was the best. We love him. We got a lot of love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I wanted to, you know, we wanted to share that with you, and uhm, to celebrate, and part of our celebration of our beautiful, wonderful, uhm, Theo Huxtable, our dog, I thought we would close on a classic, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obi-Wan Kenobi made this song that blew everybody's mind, still does, uh, because he took me doing Theo's voice and he made rhymes out of it, which is just, I mean, think about the amount of time


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the song that he made, uh, Obi-Wan, who's made a lot of music for us over the years. And that'll be our closing song today. And he called, he titled it Theo's Jam Part Deuces. And this premiered years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Support for Your Mom's House comes from Manscaped, who is number one in men's below the belt grooming. Manscaped offers precision engineered tools for your family jewels. I gotta tell you, I have been trimming up my twig and berries with Manscaped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, then we had a little contest here at the, uh, at the office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out of the gate all the time. Just like as a way to meet someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, if they would just show me their genitals and then we go on with our business. Yeaah. I feel like it's, I don't know, it's like a really good, you know what I mean, like. The cavemen did it, why, why is it, you know. Just show me, just show me, let me know who I'm talking to. Mhm. You know, that's, that's kind of what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it would work well, and it's not a sexual thing, it's just like, I would feel more comfortable to know you completely. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were thinking about, you know, you guys obviously...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out there, you should, if you're a dude, you should keep it tidy. Keep it nice and neat. I mean, you're out there trying to land ladies left and right. They don't want a forest down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like bushy hair, you're getting lost in the weeds. It looks like Popeye just trying to peek his one eye through a forest or something. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, there's a lot of people, uh, have suggested, what about giving some of our stars a manscape kit? Robert Paul Champagne. You're actually, you have, you have Fribro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely use it as the good morning Julia guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've noticed that Hard Rock Nick, uhm, has really been trimming his face beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet it's a spectacle what he has below the waist. It's a lot easier to keep your jeans high and tight when you're properly trimmed up down there. Manscapes Lawn Mower 2.0 features skin safe technology so it's the safest and easiest way to trim below the belt. Your balls will thank you. I know mine have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have nice smooth balls that I'm willing to show you if you'd like to take a peek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, get 20% off free shipping and a free travel bag with the code mom at manscape.com. That's 20% off with free shipping and a free travel bag at manscape.com and use the code mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of us here use it. The cool guys out there need to use it. If you're a listener, a viewer, I highly recommend Manscaped. Go there. Manscaped.com. Use that code. Mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's start the show. Give it to me, Blue Band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you may have noticed if you are listening, you certainly have picked up on it. If you're watching, the seat next to me is empty today. The reason why when she talks back, she's got to pay the price. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what happened. No. So we of course have two small children. Our youngest is sick. Yeah, we were up all night. We slept like two hours. Luckily we've had some help come in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were able to catch like an hour nap and then Christina should be joining us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Later on in the show. But, uh, she's with the baby right now. He's about one. Uhm, and he's do- he's okay, but you know, he's got a little thing, so. Just kind of following up, checking with the doctor, but, uh, that's why she's not here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With me is our very own, uh, Josh Potter. Before I get to you in one moment, I do want to just talk to Blue Band quickly. Tell you that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was great that you listened and you uploaded the 10 hour intro song. I'm so pleased by it and by you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I'm actually okay with today having the regular length. It just, it feels like, I don't know if everybody knows, but they can go to the YouTube channel and just dive in and soak it in and just bask in the glow of a 10 hour video of our intro song on a loop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, she's missing out. And I got to tell you, it is a great way to tease the audience for the even longer intro that I want to build. Right. The 10 hour one is just the tip of the iceberg, you know?