[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, so anyways, lots of, she said that I'm coming to see you to come on your comedy club next month. My boyfriend surprised me with tickets on my Smurf Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, can you say he got some grapefruit and ass-eating action for that? Anyways, fantastic show. Oh and Tom, I've always heard how enjoyable ass-eating is for you guys. I've offered it to my boyfriend many times and he keeps saying no. How do I convince him to say yes? Jessica. Jessica, I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? I just want you or like six guys. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I get scared because it's hot and smelly. I'm totally on board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's October 27th at 9.30am.


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[Assistant] Right, we did, we, we postponed it because it was gonna interfere with the live podcast we just did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. We would not be able, not only just this one, but it would have screwed up probably last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold me to it. Now let's, let's help this lady out. How does she convince? Don't ask me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's what I would do. I would actually use some of what Christina just said. Baby steps. Baby steps. If he's resistant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you kinda ease back there. Some taint play. Get some, you know, kinda creep on. Creep, creep. Little bit, little bit at a time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then maybe some, you know, just a little finger licked and kind of edged around the outside and then all of a sudden he's like, oh he's into it and then you hawk a loogie in there and then, you know, he's so turned on by it then you just bury your face and there you go crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think you gotta slowly get into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I was telling her. Ease on back there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's reverse grip. Oh that's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Checking the oil that way. But see, I think that could end everything, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're kinda playing the high-risk reward game right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea man, this is on Netflix now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they kind of put him under a hypnosis. Uhm, the shrink did after he was caught.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Well, uhm, hold on a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know where it is. I wanted to first say that you're not telling the truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, I'm talking about that. I posted this on, uh, what's it called? On Facebook. I posted the video of the guy getting crushed by the car. I asked everybody to watch it on the page and I said, check him out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I wanna know. Do you laugh at this a lot, a little, or not at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 50,000, uhm, there's hundreds of comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Here's the first comment. As an Asian I must say this is the most Asian shit I've ever seen. From the bad driving to the yell to the cold gaze of the man staring at the victim. Brian Yang posted that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what they said. Uhm, sooo, let's see. I laughed a lot as the next comment from Russell. Mostly at the disinterested asshole glancing down at the dude's fucked up legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I laughed in his face, I couldn't even control myself. And he was like, I know you love this shit. He used to come to work and be like, and I'll tell you, he'd be like, Tom, I know you'll love this, but this time I was working at a site and this ladder fell and broke my leg. Uhm, and then I would just laugh and laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the only guy said I laughed a little. Daniel says I laughed a lot. The sound he's making sounds like he's mocking someone in pain. Couldn't help it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Tyler wrote, I'm still trying to find my balls because I laughed them off vigorously watching this. Chelsea writes, a lot. I showed a few friends who laughed but didn't find it as funny as I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Byron, Brian writes, it would be funnier in person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see here. Get away from the fucking ad to stop. Alright. So, here we go. This is the one that started it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was sent in, this is in our show file, I haven't seen any of it yet, it's called Funny or Horrific.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're supposed to watch these and decide, okay? And you're allowed to laugh if you think it's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're sitting on the wall of a, this is kind of a bullshit level bullfighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's small town stuff, right? This is small town. And this dude jumps in and he starts running and the bull ch- it's a small bull. Charges him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, oh, clocks him under the chin and knocks this dude out cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, really noxious alcohol. It looks like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I still am totally disturbed that you thought it was funny that guy's leg was severed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now kids, don't try this at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why aren't you laughing at this funny funny video? These aren't as funny as the ones I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A guy comes back, doesn't care, then comes back a second time and checks out the bumper. Yeah. And text messages someone. Yeah, that was way fun here. He's like, ah, I'm gonna be late for work. This guy, he lit that from, how would you be that dumb to light that that close?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're not smart. They should tell all of you guys that if you ever, uhm, if you ever


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, no, it's just cause I moved this here, I'll stop for a second. If you ever decide to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do a bonfire or set off, you know, a bomb of some type. Get really far away from it, you know? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, it was a pile of all kinds of bullshit. They poured five gallons of gasoline on it and then he lit it from 16 inches away. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was in middle school, I went to, it was Lake Michigan, there was like a park you could go to the lake by our house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was pretty isolated and I put together, made a little bonfire and I took spray paint cans and I put them in the fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I backed, I mean I ran back up this hill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that my dad blew up a bridge when he was a teenager?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blew it up, and then, this is how old school that shit was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget, I think the sheriff found out, came to the house, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk to his dad and he was like, well, I'll give him a talking. I'll talk to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really don't know. I really don't know. I think, if I had to guess, probably less than a hundred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I know you don't want to watch the interview even though it's really cool with that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his tick. His tick is saying that over and over. That's terrifying. Don't you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, there's a lot to get to. Uhm, what do you want to hear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I can't tell. Sometimes I can't tell when the things that they submit are real or acted, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the outfit to the way she was like, the guy, the lady goes, oh, she came over early and she was, yeah, it was like noon. It felt like a deliberate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do that and then they come over and they, they thank you as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a bike. I'm a bike is my new favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No it's not. You're just holding it under there, man. It's you! Why can't you put it down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I said, well we saw like there was big white heads and black heads yesterday and I was like, oof man this is bad. And he said you gotta call. So I called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went in there, I laid down, she goes, uh huh, I see, I see, I see. I go, is it bad? And she goes, there's room for improvement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you go to Can We Take a Joke? Okay, I'm here. And then you read the reviews?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. A great doc highlighting the absurdity of censoring on stand-up comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shout out to the excellent narration done by the main mommy, Christina Pajuski, doing her thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She keeps the mood high and tight, you know what I mean? Lots of great content, interesting points of view. Uh, only one missing is Top Dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so convenient to be able to stream the doc now through Amazon because I wanted to rewatch a few scenes that made me tighten up my, how you say, rectum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you are on the fence, do not hesitate. It's a great doc. The only thing it left me thinking was, why is Burt so fat? That's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. This is another review. It's all our fans. From redmiss89. Sky Punches for the win. What an amaze documentary. My jeans are now higher in type. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The film dives into the pacific struggles of comedians having to apologize for jokes. The insights from the all-star cast will give you a better understanding of what a joke actually is. Some say friends are the worst, but after watching this you will realize that political correctness is just as bad as why burnt Chrysler is so fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right. Listeners. Mommy's rejoice. There's a lot, yeaah, there's a lot here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we could try if you want to call Top Dog real quick. I'd love to, yea. You want to try that? Absolutely, yea. Let's see if, uhm, if I can make that happen. Okay. Here we go. I never remember that house number, but I'll give it a shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then a lot of times I talk, I'm like, where were you? Uh, hello? Charo!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that's pretty significant. Hey, uhm, how many people you think you killed overall?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when you've talked about, you said it's like a euphoric feeling, like the best thing is killing the enemy, you experienced that first hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well let me ask you this. You like jokes, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I wanted to read some jokes to you and talk, and you tell me what you think of these jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, man, that's a lot of- I can see Abroad doing that though, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do, why do blondes wear panties?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you some, some other ones I've been thinking up. Uhm, how do you sink a Polish battleship?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.


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[Assistant] I'm glad you really enjoyed it. Now I know how to cheer you up if you're ever in a bad mood. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you know if you're in front of a Polish firing squad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I got a good one for you. It's an Olympic themed one. What do Pollocks do with all their gold medals?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know dad. It's, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Uhm, alright, I'll give you a call here in a little bit, okay? I gotta run for a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I've ever heard him laugh like that in my life. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever laughed that hard at anything? No. Now the other thing is, uh, would your pops enjoy these?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Polish joke. You know what I mean? Why is that a stupid person?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember the first time hearing those, and I was like, mmm, I don't understand why people are going after them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of the guy who agreed with me? I don't think we did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanted to point out that this guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, I love all the amazing videos you turn me on to. I must agree with Tom in regards to the man getting crushed by a car. There is something wrong with you that doesn't make you laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's those who can't see the humor in those things that are the real serial killers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not sure if you have seen, uh, these videos, but they are must see. Will. Thanks, Will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saw this? Yeah, I like this. It's not interesting. This is from where?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is some Wu-Tang level shit. It's like nine dudes with mics right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want your face back there, you know? Just, you go to town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm scared. I'm scared. This is nice as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. Not anymore, bro. It's like a 300 pound large woman who bends over forward, right? Yeah, so her butt's showing. And drops her pants, so her big, and then she slaps it. And she goes, I got higher than you. Suck my dick, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there would be, you know, I would, I would, I'd be real careful that day. I would take a lot of showers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You drink Irvine Meadows? Oh, I did acid for the first time there. Oh, really? 1992, Lollapalooza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] September 27th, I'm in Meat Rattle, Washington at the Takamanya Comedy Club. And then September 28th, in Shartland, Oregon at the Helium Comedy Crub. October 4th, Ballas Tejas Hyenas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Indianapolis. What is that one? Come on me map, come on, come on my assalis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Morty's Comedy Club, October 24th, Cincinnati, Ohio, home of the notorious Cincinnati Fart at Go Bananas. And then December 9th through 10th, Washington, D.C. at the D.C. Improv. Buy your tickets at thousandranch.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, hey, do you shop on Amazon? I hope you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because if you're smart, you do, because we subscribe and save on toilet paper, paper towels, dog food, toothbrushes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have that stuff sent to the house every week automatically, so I don't have to shop for that crap. Uh, but use our banner on your momshousepodcast.com. Click on it. Do your shopping as you normally would. It kicks back a little change to the show. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All resolved, yeaah. Got my, uh, you know, lady stuff coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't wait till your son starts watching you get angry like this. So funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck off. How, uh, uh, uh, don't you dare. Look what I did, fresh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder who ordered that bottle of water for you, because you certainly didn't obtain it yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, mom's, mom's everything. So I have so many questions about this. Number one, how does she keep it in there? Doesn't it rub it raw? It's a pull yarn out of your snatch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how the Melbournians do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sandpaper, cause that yarn doesn't look very soft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause sometimes when you pull out a tampon, it rips, if you pull it out and it's dry, I'm just letting you know, and that's cotton, it feels like it's tearing out your vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I had diarrhea yesterday for the first time in a long time. I had a sevens, two sevens in a row. I felt like I had to sleep like that joke of yours where you feel like you have to take a nap after a dump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's so pleased with herself. So pleased, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's what I'm wondering is why not just collect your tampon strings and then make a tapestry out of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she likes to go fresh, I get it. It's fresh on the scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No no no, I'm just saying that this is kind of a timely art project that this woman's doing because there's this movement now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To take the shame out of women's menstrual cycles, like there's panties you can buy now, but you can like free bleed in them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you don't have to wear a pad or a tampon and you just like let it rip in these underwear and then you just wash them and they're like super absorbent I guess. But they look like regular panties so, I mean, it's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I don't know if I'd want to share my menstrual cycle with everybody and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always put yarn in my pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one word for it. I don't know if I could bleed in front of strangers. That would be the only part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Urine drinker. Cause pussy blood I'm used to. I've birthed. So you've seen a lot of stuff come out of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this doesn't, the only thing that bothers me is the thought of putting coarse yarn up my vagina and then pulling it out a lot. Like I just don't think that feels good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's interesting that she thinks that her shoving yarn up her cooch and then having her period on that yarn and then knitting with it live will alleviate people's fears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'd like to hear, give me an itinerary. I read through a few of them, and a lot of them seem to be very similar to what we were proposing an average day, uh, was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I do wanna know. And I, I feel like retarded people have been marginalized in our society. I feel like you saw them more when I was a kid in the 80s. Remember on Facts of Life, there was a comedian character who, I don't, I forget what, what she had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're thinking about Rudy, not a Cosby show. Trudy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, she wasn't not retarded. No, she would keep Jerry. That was her name, Jerry. She was damn comedian and she had some kind of problem. I don't know what it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Life goes on, there was a TV show starring a retarded person and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like growing up, I would always see them pushing carts or bagging groceries and now like, you never, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I mean, we can, we can flower up the language, but at the end of the day, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a moron. Yea, that just means stupid. But to be retarded means to have a thing that is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see, that's what I was saying. Yeah, that's how it's been playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we press pause and address? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wanted to share though, I have a uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if he's retarded, but he's, he's, uh, slow. My cousin Chubba.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He came to stay with me like when I was a teenager and my dad tried to teach him how to fix forklifts and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he rides his bicycle around the city and he looks for UFOs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he, he believes in aliens and he's trying to find, he loves to ride his bicycle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he bakes and stuff like that. He's got a job in a bakery though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chips on the wall, and you eat dirt, or you- Oh no, I said why don't you pull out your- I don't know. It's either you pull out all your hair, or you eat. I think-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, okay. So maybe, maybe a retarded guy is the water champ. That's what we should look for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's interesting too is when I had diarrhea yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I felt the need. Now tell me if you do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had diarrhea yesterday as I said twice. And I felt the need to strip down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I had to take off my pants, my underwear, and I wanted to take off my shirt. I'm just getting completely naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I kind of broke down. I had an incident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know what happened to me, but this morning I dropped the dogs off at the groomer and then I had to put gas in the car and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went inside to get some hand sanitizer, cause I fucking, every time you pump gas, you know, your hands are dirty, it makes me crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know this about myself, that I love those sour straws. Now there's a bunch of other candies that are sour, but these are my favorites. They're strawberry and the apple sour punch straws.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. You just don't wash it ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. So then you went and did the Russian lady go like, you're really fucked up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I like that some retarded people know they are, cause that was a big...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, debate for us in that infamous would you rather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of, god damn it, isn't it angry to look at him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Willing to give him a terrible haircut. You know, one time my mother went to Alan when she was alive and asked for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want short on one side, long on the other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. She was out of her mind, my mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, you know, he figured out she was crazy and then that was that. That's the last time she saw Alan and I've been seeing him for 20 years. But anyways, that's why, because there's no hairdresser that should do that to you as an adult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No woman would let this happen. Get your life, Mark Davis. You guys gotta see this guy. So, Google Mark Davis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, I think this is what happens when you don't have a woman, love in your life, a woman and he's a lifelong bachelor and he's probably a little socially retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I said, maybe Asperger-y, a little autistic or something and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're Howard Hughes at that point. You're a recluse. Why, why don't leave the house? Jesus Christ. There's a bandaid on your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. He's like, but I own the team, I'll do what the fuck I want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I wanna, I feel like that did start in SoCal, cause growing up here, Gangbanger's War Raiders shit, and Los Doyers, right? Those are our two teams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when we lost them, I think, like, the hardcore gangbangers, the NorCal ones took it over. Like, uh, La Raza, what's the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, listen, I have a correction for the last episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I said that my father drank 75 beers in one sitting. That is not correct. I remember he told the story. It was between he and Willy. Together they drank 75.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so sorry guys. My father's still an alcoholic, rest assured, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's incorrect. They, they, it was he and Willie. Now Willie's dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, think of your vacation, like, you know how you start drinking in the morning? Like, we were in Mexico, I remember you were sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're saying you put your effort. Right, the effort towards it. Right. That's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't drink more than four drinks a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't seen you drunk drunk in, you said you were drunk at Ellis' baptism party, but I don't remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had like one glass of wine and I was like, bruh, and there's pictures of us that the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause you forget you don't taste the alcohol after a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can only smoke pot alone. Now it's been a minute since I've touched this stuff obviously, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't like, I get, I get really self-conscious and I don't, I don't like it. I'm not the type that likes to smoke with other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uhm, he's a really cute kid. We were talking about baby names.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Carl's Jr. Segura, just because I ate a lot of Carl's Jr., people ask me, how is your son so strong and big? And our son is as big as a one year old. Like, well, I ate Carl's Jr. almost every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had on extra onion rings and extra barbecue sauce and I'd park in the parking lot.


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[Assistant] That's right. There was a time when I was eating western bacon cheeseburgers twice a week.


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[Assistant] Ruthcrest Steakhouse. Gotcha. Okay, now it makes sense. But if we name our son...


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[Assistant] Interesting. Somebody look this up and tell us.


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[Assistant] I bet you too, spite. Or she wanted to keep the brand of Chris.


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[Assistant] But Chris steakhouse, I don't think that's correct either. It should be Chris's.


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[Assistant] Steakhouse, correct? Or like Tony's restaurant. There needs to be a apostrophe. Chris, apostrophe steakhouse.


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[Assistant] Right, right. That's what this equivalent of is Chris steakhouse. Should be Chris's.


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[Assistant] Ruth, that adds nothing to the brand. Nobody cares about Chris, they only care about Ruth. I know. It is a great restaurant. I love me some Ruth's. Oh, it's great.


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[Assistant] And I had the creamed spinach and I think that's what did me in. I think it had too much butter in it. Butter gives me diarrhea sometimes.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think the parents were like, but then tennis is kind of a bougie sport. I don't know too many hillbillies that like cherries, waffles, and then tennis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't we learn that? What that stands for? HH.


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[Assistant] Well, we know who to ask. Maybe Daniac knows.


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[Assistant] Oh, well I wouldn't, maybe he's a Nazi.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the 8-8 stuff? Yeah, Earnhardt should know better than that.


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[Assistant] Don't you wish this was your dad? How lucky that you're- that's not your dad.


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[Assistant] Do you ever think of that sometimes? Like, I'm just so glad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow! Look at you! Blue band's the hillbilly whisperer. How did you understand that?


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[Assistant] God. Do you think they're tolerant of Jewish people?


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[Assistant] Even though I'm like a white blonde, oh no, I'm a big outsider.


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[Assistant] The fortitude that you were born with your parents and not in like some horrible country.


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[Assistant] Yes. So guys, don't let money deter you from fixing your teeth.


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[Assistant] Of course, because there are people too. And the thing is, don't think you need dental insurance. Tom and I don't have, I haven't had, I had it once in my life and that's when I got ripped off, remember? The dentist told me I had about 20 cavities, Tom, if you recall that happened to me.


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[Assistant] And then I, you know, I cancelled it. It happened to me.


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[Assistant] Yes, and I remember who it happened with.


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[Assistant] TV friendly dentist. See I do remember yours and then the same thing happened to me in sperm bank California. When I had dental insurance from an employer I had.


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[Assistant] By the way, I still floss despite these ridiculous stories that flossing doesn't help. And didn't you tell me the other day how flossing does help? That it breaks up.


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[Assistant] By the way, the poop aisle is different than not flushing the toilet.


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[Assistant] I've been yelling a lot at night, really. I think I have to stop drinking water a couple hours before bedtime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had some eggs removed from me. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We talked about this earlier. Okay, so I had some eggs frozen, some embryos frozen, just in case we want kids later. Anyways, they told me that I can't drink water from 8pm the night before the surgery.


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[Assistant] I thought for sure that would really be a thing for me.


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[Assistant] Now, she goes, your blood is like chocolate syrup. Why is that? It's cause you're not hydrated.


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[Assistant] You guys, we need to just email us your blonde jokes and your Polak jokes and then we'll just tell them to him.


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[Assistant] You guys didn't swear at your house. You were that kind of family that never dropped F bomb.


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[Assistant] Cause when you and I started dating, you were 20... what? You were 20...


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[Assistant] Image on with you, and then I remember one time you were like, dude, my dad just talked about liking full bush.


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[Assistant] But I respect that and I kind of miss that so much. Because at the end of the day, like your dad obviously has two daughters and a wife and he loves them to death and treats them well.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? I just, I don't know. It feels familiar to me.


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[Assistant] Sounds different. Can I read you a text message from my dad? Yeah. So he came back from Vietnam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My father finally returned, uhm, hold on, finally returned to Vietnam after being gone for like a month. And in the course of him being gone, I mean, we baptized our son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, about him. And then in the last few seconds I had to like, interject and be like, oh by the way, you know, Ellis is growing teeth. Yeah, Ellis has two teeth now and we bought a house and this and that. Anyway, so I'm telling him,


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[Assistant] You know, make sure you get everything fixed before you move in. Beautiful house.


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[Assistant] And I go, yeah, no shit. Like in my head, I'm like, of course asshole, I remember where I grew up. He goes, well, Ellis is going to grow up there now. And the liquor store.


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[Assistant] He picked me up from school in his, uh,


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. But that was rare. Yeah. That he'd just come from the shop to come get me, you know.


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[Assistant] He says it every time. Tommy was just the cutest little boy, Christina, okay? And he could puke on me, shit on me, I didn't care. Cutest little boy. Ah shit, Tommy was the cutest little shit.


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[Assistant] What was the lamest your dad, what was his worst era of fashion? Or has he always worn the uniform of khaki button down?


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[Assistant] Yeaah, now he does, cause I've seen the short chicken hair on top.


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[Assistant] He is such a creature of habit. It's funny cause I remember when he was here and then he sat on our recliner and he had his caffeine free, sugar free diet coke cause dads can't have fun anymore. You can't drink anything fun.


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[Assistant] None that tastes good, and he was just in heaven watching CNN.


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[Assistant] What the fuck. Or linen. Oh, linen suit. That's what he wore to my wedding. A linen white suit. Gangster shit, right?


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[Assistant] And I turned to him and I was like, oh my god, dad, I hope I don't cry. And he was like, why would you cry?


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[Assistant] Good, this is like that creeper at your spa. Yeah. Who's rubbing his dong.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you need a woman like that to straighten his ass. Good for her.


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[Assistant] And just really wants to be around each other. And then, like, we had that common thing, that common core, that thread that ran through us. Like, everyone was always wondering, like, why is Burt Chrysler so fat?


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[Assistant] From there, I come in the house. The house is beautiful, but I need to go to the bathroom.


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[Assistant] It's going to cause a divorce to your father if he doesn't get me the toilet.


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[Assistant] And it is so warm, honestly, it warmed up my whole body.


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[Assistant] There's no joke, you walk out of that place like you took a shower.


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[Assistant] Can you imagine by the time Elise grows up, the scenes are going to come up?


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[Assistant] Because I don't know if she used precautions or there's something else happened. And the guy is not a boyfriend. He was just...


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[Assistant] In every sense, that it could be a rapist that says, okay, this is my chance.


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[Assistant] So amazed. And we'll have a lot more to talk about with the Cincinnati Fart.


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[Assistant] It's big news, Jeans. Big news. It's the first time she's, uh, really hitting the road since, um, pushing a baby out of your pooch.


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[Assistant] Jeans, uh, this weekend, I'm in Spermvine, California at the Irvine Spectrum, uh, outdoor mall. The beautiful.


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[Assistant] July 7, 8, and 9, uhm, that's the new Liberty Township Funny Bone, and then, uh,


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[Assistant] I got, oh, St. Louis Tits is coming in, uh, uh, August. That's really good. I believe that's August, right? Yeah. The 20, no, sorry, July 21st.


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[Assistant] And then later, uh, come FartBus Ohio. Okay.


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[Assistant] And then the Trocadero Theatre in Fill Her Up Delphia.


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[Assistant] Shut them off. Wow. That's how it works, man. That was it. That's how it works. Let me get this ready for you. Uh, alright, here, let's start the show. Jeans, you ready?


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[Assistant] No, no, no, it's over. She's gonna explain what happened now. No. No, I promise you.


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[Assistant] It really is, it's over. Now she'll tell you, tell me if you think this is accurate. I promise.


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[Assistant] Well, we should explain to people listening what's going on. This lady looks like she's on one of those lotto call-in, kind of local segments in Flirnberg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stepped off screen for a second, just came back and the


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[Assistant] Translation on the page, uh, the closed captioning says that, that she's saying, uh, have very painful menstruation.


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[Assistant] And I was so sick and he, he,


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[Assistant] He looks, you know, doctors when you go with a cold, they check out your nose, check out your ears. He goes, oof. You got an ear infection, bad. And your left ear. And I go...


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[Assistant] I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear myself. I couldn't hear through the monitors and the speakers. I remember I did radio and when I left radio, I got up, somebody else sat there for a segment and he goes, uh, hey, is your hearing okay?


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[Assistant] And I go, why? He goes, these headphones are so fucking loud. And I go, I can't hear shit right now. It was the worst.


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[Assistant] There was that flight I puked on, the whole puke, the whole flight. And then I spent the night there puking and then flew back and then they gave me like, so what's going on with you?


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[Assistant] Let it be known that Blue Band put this file in our folder for this show. This is the, uhm, this is the girl who got kicked off of YouTube for making Hitler wasn't that bad.


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[Assistant] Oh, sorry, sorry. Uhm, she, uh, So anyways, this girl's been kicked off of...


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[Assistant] And we're going to find out. We both have Jumers in our...


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[Assistant] I came home, but right now it's a little more trim. The bigger it gets, the more obviously it's really...


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[Assistant] And at first I go, that's a guess. And you start listing the details, you go.


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[Assistant] I heard somebody else talking about it. And they're like, ah, you know, if I eat that, you know, I'm going to just shit everywhere.


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[Assistant] Uh, Dr. Dick, yeaah maybe. I'm gonna go to this food specialist that he, uh, food allergist person that he recommended.


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[Assistant] From the day we met, I've been somebody that has a bottle of water on them all the time. And since that day, I've thought about it and I've been balancing water to coffee more.


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[Assistant] Maybe what's in your stomach is starting to move down and then, hey, since this is moving, let's get some more food in here.


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[Assistant] Late breaking, uh, Salome's friend, the Persian lady we call her. Guys, please have our Farsi listeners, if you could really pay attention, this one for us. It is the most aggressively worded one in 30 voicemails. Here's what Salome is listening to right now.


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[Assistant] Hey, uhm, you know that, uh, that bird is so fat stuff really took off, you know?


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[Assistant] And then I got some audio. His show's back, it's coming back, Bird the Conqueror.


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[Assistant] Hilarious. I don't know who got it into them to do that, but it is so fucking outrageous. Uhm, and he thought that we, I go, we didn't ask people to do that. People just did that.


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[Assistant] Let's see, it's still right now. Okay, it says that he was born in 78 in Cheyenne, Wyoming, and that he died today.


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[Assistant] Wait, actually, it surprised me. I remember we made the thing of the plea, we were like, hit him up with a bunch of tweets today, but it went so much further with the Instagram, with the Facebook, and he said that on his Facebook page,


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[Assistant] Like that. Who else looks like that? Remember from the boyfriend on Trailer Park Boys?


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[Assistant] So what we're doing is, with Classic Jeans, we're going through the catalog. Every Thursday, a new one comes up. These are all the originals.


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[Assistant] And then when it hits episode 41, it'll be audio only, but it'll be up there, you know.


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[Assistant] Now I haven't seen this, but uhm, it says there's queen ass ripper? Who's that?


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[Assistant] Yeah, maybe that's a, that's, that's the lady for the king, you know?


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[Assistant] So last week there was obviously a huge episode, speaking of farts, where somebody brought into question the authenticity of the Cincinnati Fart. We ended up calling the hotel. We went through this whole ordeal with them. Then we made an addendum that we tacked onto the episode. There's a video of it.


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[Assistant] Where we discuss it and we break down in that moment that


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[Assistant] We talked, we were like, should we just let it go? And then we decided no.


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[Assistant] It's too important and we have too much respect for you to make you believe that it's, you know, okay to do this. And it's not. So we're going to tell you right now, cancel your reservations for room 808. Because the Cincinnati fart happened in room 618.


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[Assistant] Okay, here's how we figured this out. Let's walk through this. The reason that 808 wasn't making sense to me


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[Assistant] Because of the arrival date of August 21st. So I looked in the phone, August 21st.


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[Assistant] That's rehearsal dinner day. Everyone's there for that. And I remember that. So I go, no, he was in town for the rehearsal dinner. Couldn't be him. And then it hit me.


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[Assistant] The wedding day, August 21st, my dad would have checked into the hotel. Why? Because the days before he stayed at my cousin's parents home with my mother.


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[Assistant] On August 21st, stayed in room 808, the Cincinnati fart had to have happened in room 618. And I know this is mind-blowing to a lot of people. It honestly upset us quite a bit. I mean, we considered


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that people have been writing reviews and, and, you know, saying that they crawled on their hands and knees to the room, uh, and just smelled under the door, but listen, 808 is not, now,


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[Assistant] So take 808, draw a line through it, 618, draw a heart around it, and that's where it happened.


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[Assistant] I know, I know. It's upsetting, it's upsetting to a lot of you right now. I know your summer plans just got ruined, but I think it's better to just tell the truth, you know. And now you know, now you know what really happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, then some of them looked it up and they were like, it's a burp and a fart at the same time in case you're wondering.


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[Assistant] They caught on video that one that's been in a golf course for 19 years.


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[Assistant] What are those guys? That's uh, Tyler the Creator and uh, what are they? Golf? They go by Golf though, right? Yeah. Like that's the crew. Golf, man.


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[Assistant] Patreon, by the way, popping off. Thanks everybody that signed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a bonus episode up. When does the next bonus episode go up? The other one we did. Whenever we want. Oh really? So there'll be another one. Let's do it next week. Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, here's a really intense. I mean, in-tense.


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[Assistant] So, but check out this guy. This guy does it so intensely and for so long, you know what I'm saying?


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[Assistant] If you're wondering what's so crazy about that, it's because


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[Assistant] You might not realize it at the time, but it's a deliberate...


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[Assistant] I did radio a couple weeks ago, and I remember, and the guy was saying, oh, what do you use for your podcast? For mics. And I told him these Shure SM7s, and he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, remember entirely, I remember that somewhere in the number was R-E or 20. So I just pull up the company and they have an R-E 20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And an RE320. And I go, well, which one should I get?


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[Assistant] And then I realized I could probably just Google, you know, a comparison.


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[Assistant] You know how we played Joey Diaz talking about shitting in a bathtub?


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[Assistant] It's a lot to understand. It is. It is a lot to understand. Oh man. There's not a lot.


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[Assistant] He does. I always wonder when a guy like this...


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[Assistant] Something tells me that when the pub burnt down, Joe...


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[Assistant] You're the worst. Every time I'm trying to fucking do audio, you're like, look at this, look at this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's it. We got a couple other real quick things to do. Uhm, we have a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is actually, uh, uh, shrimper. He, he works off the coast of Louisiana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does that too. He says that he loves women's toes and it's because he's always around shrimp and the shrimp reminds him of the toes. So he always is, uhm, eating shrimp and toes, uhm, and he prefers


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a member of the Patreon family. So a big shout out to Mike Johnson, the Toe and Shrimp Eater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you done an Australian filler up? I'm pretty certain we have.


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[Assistant] Uh, but he said it's such good options, such as everybody's favorite anti-Semite Mel Gibson. Who I thought to be clear that he was born in the U.S., moved to Maum Australia, lived there for a few years and his youth moved back. That's what I understood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, that's exactly what happened. Moved with his parents to Sydney when he was 12 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So his paternal grandmother was born in Australia to Irish parents. Paternal grandfather was from U.S.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah. Okay, so he went there for a while. Let's see, when did he come back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and his dad basically wanted him to go there to avoid the draft.


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[Assistant] You know, what if that uhm, that this girl who did these, these videos,


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[Assistant] It's just narrow, it's just Mel Gibson and they just put a pitch on his voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The greatest singer, songwriter, actor of all time, Russell Crowe. Buttfucker extraordinaire Hugh Jackman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Hugh Jackman? I guess, I don't know, do people assume he's in the butt fucking? He's not.


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[Assistant] Okay, so let's talk about which dudes we want to, I think we've probably done Russell Crowe.


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[Assistant] That there's two pieces of dick like this in a family, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here you go. Uhm, so Liam looks like he- did he date Miley Cyrus?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Liam, Australian actor, played the role of Josh Taylor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then Homeboy. What's the other guy's name? Chris? Liam and Chris. Chris. Looks like they have another brother. Luke. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Avengers, he played Thor, uh, Perfect Getaway, Cabin in the Woods, Snow White and the Husband, Red Dawn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, but I feel like a lot of people who are into the Hunger Games, that's a, that's a tough one to shake, right? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Like, it's going to hurt, but I just don't care what it's Chris, you know? Luke is going to be like, are you sure you're alright with this? And I'll be like, dude, fucking wrap it up, you know? Let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The filler up sealer shuts. Now it's time for the ladies.


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[Assistant] And she's been in the, uh, she's in the new Neighbors movies. She plays Seth Rogen's wife in the Neighbors and the Neighbors sequel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, she's with Bobby, kind of, Valle, the guy who's, this guy's such a good actor. You know this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I know my choice, but go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rebel, she's happy if you go like, hey I dropped this on the ground, do you want it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, it's just, there's something you don't understand. Uhm, I know what's what here, and I want to pig out on her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and she'll be, she'll reciprocate so much more because she'll be like, oh, you're fucking like a awesome looking guy and like you just ate my box so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Uhm, yeaah, that's that. Is there anything else to cover?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanna shout out a few more Patreon people. Liz Small, John Gillette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris Lapshire, Keno Trigger, that's what the person went by, alright. And Jamie from Vancouver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you all very much for signing up for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then every day he talked to me on the phone until we finally went out. It makes you feel...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this Wednesday on the 20th of April. What is it, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi Hitler. Hi Hitler's birthday. I'll be during the Ventura Comedy Club, and then May 27th and May 28th, the La Jolla Comedy Store, uh, and then most Saturdays, I'm at the Comedy Store here in Hollywood. I usually do the 8pm show, cause I have a baby jeans to come home to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this week I talk about this girl who wrote in who is jealous of the porno girls that her boyfriend watches. So that was kind of interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, jeans, do you shop on Amazon? I know you do. Please use our banner, uh, your momshousepodcast.com. Click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage. Do your shopping as you normally would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's chips in a bowl. That's the horns. That's a cat eating kibble. I don't know why you're not. That's a huge announcement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just because I want to make sure my audio sounds good, cause I sound, I don't know if it's these cans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They sound, I sound like I'm in a tin can. Okay, you alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're, you're already watching us, hopefully on YouTube, uh, subscribe, right? And that way you can get, we, we drop stuff, when is the drop date? It's blue day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but there's also fun little clips and behind the scenes and all kinds of stuff. So check out the YouTube channel and subscribe please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was your birthday and we did stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so she covers all these really taboo topics and she approached us as a couple to do the topic of pegging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I want to, can I, okay. There's so much to talk about. Just a sidebar, we, for those of you writing in, we resolved Bitsy's diarrhea problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got her a dog burka. It's like a little thing. It covers her face. I'll show you a picture of it. And now she can't eat what's giving her diarrhea. So problem solved. It's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll show you that it looks retarded. Okay, so yes, Nikki Glaser, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was super fun. And the, um, instructor was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that Australian lady we had on here that cut the hair out of her ears? Cut her ear out of her hair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's a sturdy lady too. She's not a fuck around. You know what I thought was interesting about that class, which they did an air, is we asked like, should we just do two fingers or three fingers in your asshole versus a dildo first? Remember? And she goes, no, you may as well go for the dildo because it's about the same.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but what makes you think I want to get in there if it's covered in mud all the time? It's not about you. It's muddy, it's smelly. By the way, your birthday. Happy Smurf Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was really nice, I really appreciated this, we were laying in bed and you lifted your legs, you were on your back and you lifted your two legs up.


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[Assistant] Like a baby diaper change and then you farted and you were wearing nothing but boxers. You ripped one and then you rolled over and you go, so what's up? Am I going to throw you the D today or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But why the theatrics? I mean, if you wanted me to touch your D...


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[Assistant] Why the theatrics of pulling your legs behind your ears in your boxer shorts? Like you went out of your way to be disgusting.


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[Assistant] You're crazy! I think you're wasting toilet paper at this point. You need to go straight to water.


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[Assistant] And then it takes it off like paint, you know, the power washing.


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[Assistant] Detective solving a case. Right. He's a brown lock detective. I've done that myself. You were at the house.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, put them on. Okay, wait. But do this first. Look at the camera normal, so that they see what your eyeballs look like. And then put them on now.


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[Assistant] He's at, at Shane S-H-A-Y-N-E-M-C-B. So Shane McBride, but S-H-A-Y-N-E-M-C-B. Hit him up on Twitter, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That haircut, I got more emails, letters about that haircut back in the day. You love my road rules hair. You're always telling me that you want me to get my hair cut.


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[Assistant] I just look like a mom. You can do that at 20 and you look cool, 40, you look like you hate your husband.


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[Assistant] Oh, she hated him. That's why she did that. That is a don't touch my post haircut for sure. Stay the fuck away from my crotch.


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[Assistant] So where, they make you wear like kimono robes and stuff, which was super fun. And then there's a, it's called a footle, a footle bath.


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[Assistant] Anyway, we were at the bathtub and I was like, boo, they're gonna-


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's kind of neat they let you shower and sit in a bathtub together and they, it's very rare. Most places they think you're going to have sex, they don't let men and women be naked together in the same room. You know what I mean? Like I've never been to a spa where they're like, yes, you're an adult.


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[Assistant] When I think about doing like, if that was my job, swallowing cum, can you think of anything worse in life? I would rather bathe.


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[Assistant] That's the worst job in the world. I would rather dig ditches and pick up garbage in the streets for the rest of my life than do what that woman did in that one clip. Seriously. Seriously.


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[Assistant] You know, we've been getting these horseshit emails about how Fuckboy isn't about gay things. And you guys, come on, grow up. Everybody knows it is. First of all, let's look at the Urban Dictionary. I'm going to look it up for you right now. Okay. Listen, listen.


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[Assistant] Urban Dictionary. Fuckboy. A person who is a weak ass pussy that ain't about shit.


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[Assistant] No, it means a person who is a weak ass pussy that ain't about shit.


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[Assistant] Anyway, pro- you know, hot debate solved.


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[Assistant] That's a good point. Cause you know, if you were a hacky comic, you could be like, I killed the show, literally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of comedy shirts and attire, some really neat comments on my Instagram, uh, regarding my art teacher jacket.


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[Assistant] Let me pull up some great ones from our listeners. So funny dude. I absolutely love when people


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[Assistant] Hey, hey Hitler. Uh, this is on Instagram. There's so much Hitler on my Instagram. Hey Hitler, I disagree with Tom.


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[Assistant] And most of these comments, not an art teacher jacket, classy, well dressed, high and tight fashionista. Sorry for big words, but you know, you know, you mean, all the real mommies know this butthole is on fleek.


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[Assistant] Is that my mom or an art teacher? Macaulay Culkin told me in prayer that we should start treating your coat like it was famous.


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[Assistant] And stand-up comedy, by the way, is so fucking hard, and it takes a decade to get decent at, and we don't get paid nearly as much for a live show like that.


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[Assistant] Uhm, that's fucking crazy. So I read this article my friend Eric sent me about these girls who for an art project decided to become fake DJs.


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[Assistant] They would use songs that everybody knew. So she's like, basically that audience that loves this DJing stuff is a commodity.


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[Assistant] One of the most popular whatever DJ acts at the time. Yeah. I'll send you the link to this article.


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[Assistant] I know. In Ibiza. And she was, you know.


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[Assistant] So you're saying, yeaah, so this guy made this with his two small children. And it sounds identical to the horse shit that passes for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Pretty much. I like that, that was good. I liked it too. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] I get it, I know it's a professional website, guys.


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[Assistant] By the way, who talks like that? I got butterflies in my tummy. That's a fake one, that's a cap.


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[Assistant] She shouldn't, see, cause I have the same thing. This fake, this one's fake. You gotta match them. You can't just do one front tooth, y'all.


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[Assistant] She doesn't need to get the Steve Harveys. She just needs to fix the decay on that tooth. And I'd say whiten, just whiten the, like a shader too, yea? Yea. God, can someone just do this


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[Assistant] How does she smile? You know, when I got my veneers done this time around, the guy who did them was this amazing craftsman. And he said that people, people don't smile for years when they have jacked up teeth. Could you imagine not smiling because you're ashamed of your teeth? Clearly she's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said that it takes a while to get used to smiling when you get new teeth. That makes sense. It made me almost cry hearing that, like, that people don't smile because of their teeth.


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[Assistant] Please remind me, guys, what is the thing that I'm thinking of? It's not the Blue Angels.


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[Assistant] I mean look, I've fucking seen people fighting and shit in public school, there's nothing scarier.


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[Assistant] Then a dog pile of people just punching each other. Good.


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[Assistant] Where the fuck was the sword guy when I was getting my ass kicked in junior high? That's what I wanted to know. Good. Good. We need more guys like him. Vigilantes. Good.


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[Assistant] I didn't want to guess because then a million songs will be made and clips will be isolated.


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[Assistant] You know what? He's the king if you know what I mean. This guy set the bar super high.


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[Assistant] No, I love you. Happy Smurf Day. I'm glad that you lived 37 years. Yea. You don't look a day over 47. I hope you live at least five more. What?


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[Assistant] I wanna see my friends. Not anymore, you don't. I don't even speak Spanish.


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[Assistant] First we have to understand the characteristics of normal equine poop. Shaped fecal balls. Loose stool.


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[Assistant] I think we should really set up some sort of comedy.


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[Assistant] Oh, for fat, old, tired. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, April 1st and 2nd, Flippers Comedy Club in Sperm Bank, California.


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[Assistant] Ventura Comedy Club 8 o'clock show, March 27th through 28th, La Jolla Comedy Store. It's all on ThousandRanch.com. Check out That's Deep Row Podcast.com. This week I have a psychotherapist on and we're discussing...


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[Assistant] Serendipity, it's not a Sandra Bullock movie, it's, no, synchronicity, synchronicity. It's the random things coming together and...


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[Assistant] That's, that's what John Cusack, that movie. The glove in my pussy movie.


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[Assistant] I can fit all five fingers of this glove in my asshole. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Guys, also, if you do your shopping on Amazon, I implore you to use our banner. Go to your momshousepodcast.com, click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage, and do your shopping as you normally would. It just helps the show, gives us a little money, helps us do things like keep the video cameras rolling, and there you go.


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[Assistant] Anything else, am I forgetting? Twitter, akrasina P. Twitter, at, what's your name again? Tom Segarra. Tom Segarra. You got verified.


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[Assistant] Why do you have to paw at me like a bear when you-


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[Assistant] So wait, but her eyes are already what? And then she pulls them?


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[Assistant] Ting chong, ting chong. Did I do it again? Ting chong, ting chong. Oh, someone's been boning up on her accents this week.


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[Assistant] She does have a good point. That's a good point. I know. Fuck, now I'm staying corrected.


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[Assistant] So stupid. Foolish. So wait, bitches suck. She's saying you're a whore, you suck dicks.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, I'm just saying that I think most people, they're not thinking about you, you know what I'm saying?


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[Assistant] I finally took a shit today, babe. I didn't shit yesterday, but I shit this morning. You didn't shit at all? Not yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yesterday? Yeah. I just forgot to take a dump. I don't know how that happened. How do you forget?


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[Assistant] Just taking care of the kid, you know, you and I were taking care of him all day.


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[Assistant] My dad came over and then I just, the day rolled and I forgot. I just didn't have the urge to shit, I don't know.


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[Assistant] It was normal. It was just normal. Like, I don't know. It was a clean break. There was nothing on the paper. Uhm.


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[Assistant] You know what I feel like when our son shits? Like he's had some fucking disasters in his diapers lately. Like I feel like guilty just wiping it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And moving on with the diaper, I feel like we should, we should shit to shower our son. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] No, but there should be like a baby bidet that I can wash his asshole with.


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[Assistant] It's always the waaah that gets me. Oh, it's so gross. That's why I say it almost every time. It's so weird that you- Did you record that?


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[Assistant] He's German, so it's, it reminds me of my dad's accent a little. I think that's why it's alarming to me. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny. Now that I'm a mom, like now that I'm a parent, it kinda doesn't affect me as much. It's like this weird thing happens where you forgive your parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's awesome, but you know what I mean. My dad's not like, uhm,


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[Assistant] Like the all-American dad, you know? He's got his own stuff.


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[Assistant] I go, dad, we're not gonna send him to Brazil in a favela to play. He's gonna play, you know, in LA. Other kids. No, no suckers for poor people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, what about martial arts? Nah, no money on martial arts. What is the money part? I guess just like people with money play tennis.


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[Assistant] It's too boring. What if our son is into something retarded that we don't like? Like what's the most boring thing to watch? Swimming? That's fucking boring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the free item? Did you shave some of your pubic hair off?


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[Assistant] You've been getting a lot of, uhm, fan mail from gay dudes who are really into you. I'm not saying they're necessarily into pubic hair.


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[Assistant] I feel like, uh, we, we did stumble and, you know what's interesting is that you and I fall in love with like the first part of clips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of like K-Mine. When we discovered her, K-Mine. We were just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So is that, there's only one Hitler. Like after World War II, most people stop naming their children Adolf or Hitler as a surname. So this is the Fuhrer. She's, she's, there's no other Hitlers.


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[Assistant] So to Hitler and then this guy from One Direction, those are her two...logging.


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[Assistant] But here's the thing, much like, you know, she's just reading off what the person's name is. Is that her fault that she's, she's just repeating what's given to her? Big words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Simon's a harder target. No one's looking for Hitler. But everyone's out for Simon, so...


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[Assistant] Wow, it's a lot happening. You think if you had a kid that was like this, you may wanna...


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[Assistant] They never know how to produce a decent video. Shane Lee, same problem.


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[Assistant] And the uhm, and then the rappers, the fake rappers, the music bed's always too high on their stuff.


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[Assistant] I love this. Do you know that the books are everywhere now? They're like at the pharmacy and stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, on That's Deep Bro, I had a licensed psychotherapist on, Mark, uh, Mark Barone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not have him assess your artwork?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is a Skype session with a psychotherapist and we finished that deep row and I go, hey one more thing, can you look at my husband's artwork and just tell me what you see in the art, if it's normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let's just see what a licensed psychotherapist says about


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[Assistant] What you drew. What does it signify? So with me is Mark Barone. He is a licensed psychotherapist. Hi Mark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so uhm, I just emailed you my husband's, uhm, artwork that he did. He stayed in a condo in Denver and all the comedians leave behind a piece of art for the home, the house that they stay in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And first of all, what are your credentials, uhm, in the psychotherapy world? If you could just let us know your background.


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[Assistant] So, but basically you are a, uh, you're a professional mental health person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I've sent you the artwork, uhm, that we've been discussing. If you could take a look at it and just tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, what do you see here? What would the mental health of a person making this type of artwork, what does it look like? And please be honest.


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[Assistant] That black, that black thing, he said it's supposed to represent the, it's the sun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, an oppressive female breast energy.


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[Assistant] You know the Freudian, I think, libidinal energy, you're redirecting it, you're creative. And I'm, I'm obviously squashing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I love it. And then the oppressive female figure that's dampening his sexual energy. Is that what you're saying?


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[Assistant] Difficult because the drawing is fraught with horrible things. Terrifying things.


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[Assistant] Interesting. Yeah, that may, the, the, the power that tells him no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. So yeah, that would make sense. He just, this is my husband's artwork and he just had a child with me and yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean that's the assessment of your artwork. There's more detailed if you want to listen to it later. I also asked him if you were normal because you watch so much murder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the murder shows. Yeah. Do you want to know the answer? Sure. He said that actually yes, because you're in touch with your dark side. And that it's, uh, it's really a healthy expression of being in touch with one's dark side. So there you go. You're, I asked him to rate you on a scale of one to 10, your mental health.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said, I, you know, in all fairness, he's like, I can't really do that because I kind of am familiar with both of you from the show, the podcast, and I can't do that, but I'd give him like an eight.


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[Assistant] I did, yeaah. Well I was, I thought he asked me, how old does he look? In all fairness, I forgot.


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[Assistant] What's devastating is that I only really have 10 decent years left, and then it's like, the decline towards death, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. 50 is, and then you're just on a downward, uh, to the grave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think I have 10 years left on this marriage and then... Yeaah. And you're gonna get your 20 year old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, countless lovers. Paramores, if you will, lovers. Cool boys and stuff. Yeah, I'll bang like hot young things. I won't, I wouldn't, I can't marry after you. I love you too much. I would really be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you know what I would do? I would just be alone. A lot. Drink a lot. And read? Yea, dude. Just quiet. I don't think I'd want to deal with dudes anymore. You know, you're all over it. I imagine. Aren't you just fucking over it? Probably. 55? Fuck it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I moved to Tahiti, that's what I would do, and just live on an island. I wouldn't even fuck with society anymore. Really? If we divorced at 55, I would go, Ellis would be grown, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, didn't he live on a houseboat with a crocodile or some bullshit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you can hear Mark on this week's episode of That's Deep Bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Discussing synchronicity. And therapy too. What's therapy? What's the point?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But were people sending dick pics in 2005? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Like I said, I've never, uhm, received, and that's not a call. Don't send us your dick pics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I want to see the dick and the balls because I think balls are neglected and they're often just as important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let me see if those look high and tight. If they're not, I'm not interested. I don't like droopy goat nuts. I don't like them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the whole, the whole proposition of sending a dick pic is ludicrous. Most women-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other guys, no no no, I'm saying like, you know who wants to receive a dick pic? Other dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's not necess- I don't- at least from the women I know, we don't get that aroused.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By a picture of a cock, like it's not the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vagis, I assume, yea. Like, for us, it's not- I think we like to see a dick attached to a body. At least that's what- as a woman-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show me the whole thing, don't just send me your car, who cares?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as I said, I went in for a dental cleaning last week. I live tweeted the event. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My gums were number three, like she was rattling off my number three, three, three, fours in the back.


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[Assistant] And she chastised me, I need to floss every day, she said. And I was like, look, I'm a new mom, I don't have time to fucking do this shit anymore. She said, you have to floss every day. And then they took a full set of x-rays. How many cavities do you think I have?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my teeth are in good shape, but I did get reprimanded for not flossing. And truth be told, I haven't been flossing as much. I have the beginnings of mom mouth. I'm not proud of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she did get through the cleaning and, you know, I just got a little reprimanded. It's upsetting.


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[Assistant] Mom is probably the one word I've noticed right away, uhm, kitten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happy birthday to Nick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have a job day in my life. I gotta get to this meeting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I'm at, you know, Friday night, uhm, I'm going to be in Los Angeles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedy living room at the lab. Uh, next week, Cleveland steamer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm coming out. Saturday already has a sold out show. Uh, the second Saturday show is close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, still tickets available for Thursday, and uhm, couple left for Friday, but if you haven't yet scooped up your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tickets for Cleveland Steamer. You're going to be out of luck soon. Uhm, additionally, I know, I'm going to sperm can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's at the end of April, uh, in Spokane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] April 20th, 21st, it's on sale. Here's a couple others that are on sale. They're a ways away, but they're already selling tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Caroline's on Broadway in New York City. It's April 8th through 10th. New York, shitty. And then the trucadero, trocadero, theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Fartlow, Delphemia, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, we'll see. Uhm, so that's where we're at, Jeans, for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Alright, well I'm impressed though, you're just like bam bam bam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I sent it to you? So someone sent it to me, that's what it was. But this has absolutely, it made my weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we had a conversation, not even that, that indirectly led to some numbers where I was like... Seriously? Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean really? Yea. He said it was a cruise, he went on a cruise one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were just talking about not even about checks and he was like yea fuck like 10 checks on a check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think he was talking about trips, like vacations, and I was like, yeah, I hate cruises. He's like, yeah, me too, I went on this one, it sucked, I fucked like 10 chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy that you don't have more siblings that you know about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's his thought, yea, but sometimes if he, you know, if he thinks it's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Success. Kid? Yeah, that's the basic meme, but. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're supposed to say it, you're supposed to say it, you know, I walk out of the room, you go, damn Daniel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't know what we're talking about, we're talking about crazy locs, who by the way, Loki responded to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't call us out by name, but, you know. Smart. Smart. I issued the challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Where I was like, what's up crazy locs, if you want to spar, blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is what his response was. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's directly responding to people saying, is he mentally stable and well? CrazyLokes is telling you, I'm all there. That he's there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's a stretch, but he tells you why. Listen to what he says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought he was about to. Everybody who's seen it goes, oh, they gave me the time code. They're like at 1 13 when he goes Tom, a change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talked to my agent today, I said uhm, we think about San Jose, because that's where my man lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I want to address is something came in, you mentioned something during our ads this episode and then there's something kind of related to it in an email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YMH Episode 151. I won't go into much detail. I'll just give you a time stamp. Hopefully this whole debacle can be laid to rest when a certain main mommy says FedEx the proper way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for doing that. Can you admit your mistake now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, Tabitha. I'm amazed. First of all, honored that you listened to so many episodes and thank you for digging that up and I rightfully will take my place on top of Mount FedEx, the king of the castle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously, I'd said it right, as most of you seem to acknowledge, so.


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[Assistant] Outside details, but the shows were a lot of fun. Amazing crowds. We just have the best fans up there. Of course we have the best.


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[Assistant] It's great. Well, it's also uhm, it was really neat. I walked on stage, one of my shows, and a girl was sitting in the front row, and with a marker, she had written on her forehead, Hey Hitler. So you look at a girl- With a marker?


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, kind of in a way, sort of, uhm,


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[Assistant] I'm hoping that actually the new place, the new thing that takes off is this.


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[Assistant] Yes, that's probably where it's fun. Good point. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Mrs. Hughes is saying this too. Yea, I was doing some research, stumbled on that, and then, uh...


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[Assistant] Who, you guys didn't talk about how many chicks he banged on a trip, but you did have a conversation with him. Do you want to set it up?


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[Assistant] I mean, there's, you know, there's different personalities. Like, I imagine, I don't know, like my dad.


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[Assistant] You know, he falls in line with a certain personality type when it comes to that. He doesn't say stuff like that.


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[Assistant] I want you to picture something real quick. Just look at me.


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[Assistant] What about when you would hang out at friends or boyfriends' houses, like, were they more normal to you?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I kind of thought of it as, you know, I knew that, I knew that my, you know, you're so aware of your foreign, you have two foreign parents.


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[Assistant] But I had one, so the distinction is what really stood out. That like my dad was a,


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[Assistant] Apple pie, you know? And my mom was like this total alien, you know?


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[Assistant] And he has like, he has such the ideal American upbringing that we really would get America


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[Assistant] I like my house. I mean, I remember I would go to my buddy's Dan's house in Minneapolis and


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[Assistant] Le Croix, uh, yeaah, of that stuff. But he had all the sugary drinks.


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[Assistant] Which as a ten year old is really, you know.


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[Assistant] We just never really had that. I mean it just wasn't on, we never were like throwing it on the grocery list. I never remember making that request. It was that thing where we had soda when, you know, it was, I don't know, maybe a weekend.


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[Assistant] And you ordered a pizza and that's when you would always get like a two liter with a pizza. Yeah. You know, delivered, that was the soda. Yeah. We didn't have.


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[Assistant] We started to, I feel like as we got older, but you know, back then when you were a kid, that's when Diet Coke became the craze.


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[Assistant] So my parents had diet coke in the house, and when you're young, you're like, this is fucking disgusting.


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[Assistant] We didn't have, I mean, so I remember his house being, but then I remember just weird, you know, weird people's houses. I remember that going to their house.


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[Assistant] Because I like to actually, my mom's, um, you know, eccentric or different.


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[Assistant] I remember going to my buddy Ira's place when I was a kid.


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[Assistant] When I would wake up, you know, we'd spend like Friday night or Saturday night there before they drove us home, they would toast bagels and melt cheese on them.


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[Assistant] I go, I cannot wait to go to his house again. Because, you know, I would say, why don't we have that at our house? And then in my house they would go like, huh?


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[Assistant] The day we get in, we decide to go get some pre-game, pre-show meal. We go to get some snushee.


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[Assistant] So we go to this place, it's really close to the club. And we order food.


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[Assistant] It's media, it's just like, it's okay as far as sushi plays. It's not a, you know, it's not like, oh wow, this sushi here is amazing. But it's like, it does the job. You go, it's not bad, it's not great, it's fine.


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[Assistant] I order. We're done ordering. I'm there. I'm up there with Blue Band.


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[Assistant] The bill comes. She drops off the bill. Now I'm on a business trip and, you know, this is not unusual. Most comedians or even people that just travel for...


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[Assistant] A living lot have their, their basically personal expense card and your business expenses. It helps you organize, do your taxes and whatnot. So I pull out my business card, which happens to be an American Express card. I put it on there and I say, you know, uh, ready to pay the bill. So the server, which is kind of very shortly, rudely in my opinion,


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[Assistant] So, she's, uh, not from around these parts, and says, we use a MasterCard cash, and I go, she goes, which do you have?


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[Assistant] Yeah, you can, I think you can go, oh, we don't take American Express.


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[Assistant] But she goes, what do you have? And I go, this is what I have. She goes, you don't have anything else?


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[Assistant] And I, at that moment I go, it's kind of interesting that she asks that.


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[Assistant] Because instead of saying, instead of reiterating that they don't take it, she says, you don't have anything else? So I take my chances and say, no, I don't have anything else. In other words, like, how are we going to resolve this? And she goes, okay. And she takes the card and she walks away. And I go.


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[Assistant] I'm bothered for a number of reasons. A, I know that she's lying.


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[Assistant] My announcement that your payment has been declined is going to shame you into paying the way I want you to pay.


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[Assistant] So, when she said your car was a client, I know for certain that she's lying. And just to make sure, I go, okay, I flip the card over, I go, I'm going to call the credit card.


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[Assistant] She walks, she's like, uhm, kind of didn't anticipate that that would be an option.


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[Assistant] Hey, what's up? Uhm, I'm at a restaurant and they just said that my card was declined. Was it declined? No.


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[Assistant] And I said, well, so what's happening? He goes, well, there's no attempt made to charge your card.


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[Assistant] And I said, okay, so now I'm pretty pissed about this, you know?


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[Assistant] I said Visa Master, she goes Visa Master card or cash, and I go, no, this is it. This is the only thing I have. I didn't bring anything else. You're going to have to run it. She goes, your card declined. I go, no it wasn't. Then she takes the card again, she swipes it, she hits


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[Assistant] Yeah, I go, he goes, your card, your card has not been declined. I go, okay. So I said, you're going to have to run the card, uhm, or that's, you know, that's going to be it.


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[Assistant] It starts to get, you know, I can tell that she starts speaking in her Putsi Semit language to somebody, and uhm, you know, starts talking some shit, uhm.


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[Assistant] And I go, nah, I'm not, I'm not going anywhere. You're gonna have to run the card.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but I also, I was implying that I was bailing. So like she got really scared. And then as she, she's running, she goes to pick up the phone and I go, we'll pay the bill. And she goes, okay. So I take the money, kind of, you know, throw it on the counter.


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[Assistant] So anyways, I was really fucking pissed about...


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[Assistant] I think, you know, I don't think there's any end to how much you should be shamed after that.


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[Assistant] For, for trying to, to, to get your way through that method. I got back to the hotel, uhm, I put an Instagram post up later just saying, this place is terrible.


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[Assistant] I have to commend our listeners to know that some of you are fucking legit comedy writers.


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[Assistant] It was so funny, I really don't, I, I, I can tell you that if you had people that listen to this show that were


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[Assistant] You know, professional comedy writers, they were not, they couldn't do it funnier than what you did. It was that funny.


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[Assistant] Mommy told me not to go, but my boy Tom and Mr. Whitefolks was in town saying some hoes and also making Kim Ann airtight and just right.


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[Assistant] My jeans were a little high, but not too tight. I had a rectum roll. And how do you say an asshole? Ching chong, ching chong. Next thing I know, Mike Tyson comes in with Bruce Bruce and everyone said, Hey Hitler.


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[Assistant] It said this place really makes my jeans low and loose. I was treated like a cum dog and called big words. The food tastes like the devil's driveway and made me brown a six. You know what I'm saying? For reals doe. I almost threw some sky punches like my boy crazy looks and shit.


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[Assistant] In conclusion, this place seriously needs to heighten and tighten their jeans before my mommies and I ever consider making their sushi into brown ever again.


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[Assistant] P.S. If I had to choose between eating here again and being retarded, I would be retarded.


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[Assistant] I think they got, they fully got what they deserved. They've already managed to get a bunch of the reviews removed.


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[Assistant] That's why I've, you know, attempted to not mention them again. But just know that uhm, cause people were asking like, well what happened? I told you what happened. I felt extremely justified in asking people to do that to them.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was shitty to me. So, uh, but yeah, just so people go, I wouldn't just do that. I wouldn't for fun say, hey, go fuck up these people's reviews just for, for pure amusement or because like, oh, I didn't think the sushi was good. But when I feel like, um,


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[Assistant] So this, we haven't played him in a while, uhm, but he's in the news. Did you know he's in the news? No. I'll get to that. Just to give you an idea, yes. This is Brian Silva, uhm, otherwise known as a Vine Star.


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[Assistant] Talking about how dope he is and, you know, he'll take your girl and...


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[Assistant] He's really into his body and his physique and his muscles.


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[Assistant] By the way, as a fat guy, nothing irritates me more.


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[Assistant] Here's, to give you, to familiarize you with his brand.


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[Assistant] Well, uh, he might, that might change pretty soon.