[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the way the soundboard gets worked during the episodes makes my nip hard enough to cut glass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or sorry, enough to glass. I am touching base to provide a small jingle that I created for your brown talk segments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love the locomotive theme that you use. I wanted to provide another sound file you can use in case you want to mix it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took some of the clips you mentioned over the past month or so on the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Composed a small arrangement to accompany it. I'm a lifelong musician having experience in both instruction and live performance. I'm a complete novice when it comes to mixing audio clips on my Mac. Oh, good. I'm glad we included this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If the file for any reason doesn't sound quite right, let me know. I can edit, send it back to you. Well, here we go. This is, uhm, Levon's, uh, submission. He signed off by saying Tom is a personality champ, bat, bird is once again fat. Um, Levon's submission of a new brown talk theme. So let's see what you think. Okay. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I liked it. I liked it too. It's good. Thank you, Levon. Thank you. Levon. Not Levon. Levon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, hold on, I want to see. There's a number of, uhm, interesting ones that came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think blind people are more, have just more...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In like, in touch with their real senses and they don't, they like to use.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so good. God damn it. Yea, this guy is blind, but he can just, you know, he's got a great sense of touch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting, yeaah. So I'm guessing she's talking about maybe diction, right? Like you can, she hears a voice, she's like, oh, that's a Asian guy, that's a black guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] High personality, observation, and water champ. Also, hi Tom. Okay. That's a plug for you. It's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love the episode with R.E. Shave Her. He is a very funny non-Jewish Jewish man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Near the end of the episode, when talking about the houses you've done the podcast in, I couldn't help but inquire where these homes were. You know, on account of me being a complete creep of poly by non-binary. I happened to notice on the Google's map,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That Silver Lake is right next to Just Glassville Park. Have you ever lived there and why don't you live there currently? Thanks Jean. Rick in Canada. Uhm, where did we live? We lived in Silver Lake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I'm trying to figure out where this park is because I forget where it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We lived in Silver Lake. It's quite appropriate. We lived more over here, right? Yea, over here. Near the reservoir. So yea, I lived here once on Silver Lake Boulevard when I was dating you. And then we lived over here. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I have a lot of hipster friends. There's too many. There's too many in that neighborhood. It's just too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is fake news. What? Tom has never once challenged this obviously false statement. Shame on both of you. Think about it dummies. Do you shit then fart a bunch? No. You fart a bunch then shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Therefore, obviously the shits push the farts out. Scientifically speaking, this is super fucking obvious. The poop makes gas, and the gas escapes pushed along by the poop. I mean, come on. Love forever, double pipe, slut wife. Double pipe slut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what you're saying is... Farts don't push the shit out. Shit push the farts out. It's a total mind blower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn it is right. Shit. Cannot believe this. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to say it to your mother if she were here? Do you want to tell her, mom, this whole time we had it wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell our son the right thing. Train him, if you will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a super brown episode. There's an email here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey mommies, I recently had my first shit to shower experience, but things didn't go so well. I was having a day where even the softest of sevens were being put out to shame. I'm talking straight up pissing out of my ass. So after I made brown and wiped to no avail, I hopped in the shower,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously I'm soaking wet, can't get back on the toilet so I decided to go straight down the shower drain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The worst part is I had to bend over and clean my fucking feet. I couldn't help but feeling low and loose for the rest of the day. I was so ashamed of what I had done. Any advice for this first time shower shitter? What is your experience with shower browns? Thanks. Stu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that's really good advice. I think, I hope he, he listens to you. Uhm, I got a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta break down, see if, I wanna see if you can break down what, uh, the Juice Man's talking about here, okay? The who? The Juice Man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not an AA performer. I mean, he is AA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a, it's a genre within hip hop basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, it's a certain style of hip hop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, more than a hundred. A thousand is gonna be like on points.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm not sure where he's, uh, where he's from. Let's look it up. Let's look it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uh, they give credit to, uh, 3-6 Mafia for doing- I like that. Yeah, so they're credited with some of that, uhm, trap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like Gucci Mane. Yep. You like Jeezy. You took a picture of him once. Yeah, I do. I like him. Not with him, but of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that is trap fucking mecha right there. The hub, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I could see you, I could see you starting like a, your own group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Could you see his face? Like I'm going to call it mom pussy. Like you get your offer and they're like, they want to do it. And you're like, great. It's called mom pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Staying, as opposed to, like, uh, I'm staying over at, I'm staying in this neighborhood, I'm staying at this, not like I'm living there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so fucking cool, what I'm about to show you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think you're ready, and I know that you're not, but- Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now is that the, is that a real genuine dad look? Or do you think this is the look of a psychopathic serial killer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like he's dad jizzin' right now. Looks like it's Man Milk Monday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, we, we ran out and we, uh, we brought in something we found on the street. The great Sam Tripoli. Thank you for coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two trash cans. Oh. Two recycling cans. Yeah. And two, uhm, what is it? Greenery. Yeah, green, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've had two people almost win it all. Uhm, I didn't remember if you were, cause we had two people get one wrong. Uh, one or two wrong. That was uhm, what's her name? Ms. Pat. Ms. Pat and Rogan. Yeaah. The first time he was on. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One guy go 0 for 10, and that was a black guy, Sidney Castillo. He got 0 out of 10.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so good. It was really amazing. And, uh, yeaah, this, you know, um, funny, Allie Wong last night, she told me that she went to that, and I assumed- Yea, I saw that on her Instagram. Well, I assumed that, like, you know, she's a known person, that, that she, she-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The video edit where they, they pulled all the moments from that and pushed in on it. Like, there's a cut of everything at that Migos thing and it was just like, this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've zoomed in on everyone's reactions. It's like, it's masterful, it's masterfully done. And they were able to like, isolate everybody's own reactions to what was going on. It was just amazing, man. Let's see if I can find it. Alright, keep going, keep going, you talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was his, um, his, I mean, his thing was I used to like the way they look or what? I mean, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you believe though that the U.S. government conspired to make this happen to fuel a war? Like is it one of those?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I always feel like one of the, I mean, the level of, like for instance, people that believe that the moon landing is fake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would, for it to be fake, the level, uh, the amount of people that would be keeping a secret, it would just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be enormous. I mean, you'd have to be fooling, either you're fooling everybody who that's their work. There's, you know, that no, it's kind of difficult to believe or that everybody involved for 50 years never told a secret.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you a believer that Sandy Hook is a hoax?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But one of the tears that I got was like I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And wait, I remember years ago, I saw you have a wheel- Do you do your wheelchair bit for them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, you know, it's like you have your memories of seeing stuff. I remember Sam, seeing Sam do that in the main room, uh, like a while ago. Long time ago. I remember you on the, I actually remember the same, on the same night, you know, you just have like, you remember bits and pieces of things. I remember seeing Aaron Kader. Yes. Uh, the same night on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After I moved to LA in 2002, I met Sam. We did the Groundlings together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it? Miyagis. Yeah. And I was, uh, I basically was like, I don't know what to do. And he goes, you just do spots. And I like, I didn't even understand how that, what that meant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I tagged along with Sammy, went to Miyagi's, we went to the comedy store, we went one other place. And so I just got to see like, oh, so like, and then he's like, you know, like I'll just do this here, I'll try it here. And like, I watched him do like 15 minute sets and he's like, just do it, just do it, just do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a bunch of like those little, you know, like unofficial shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember doing like, I was, I started in 02, I got a, I started doing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The improvs gave me MC work in 04.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were fast, dude. You and Nick were fast. Uh, and Nick, by the way, Wagoner, we were also, was also in Sam in my, uh, improv class. He's the one that introduced me, cause he was also had done standup. He introduced me to a Booker as a comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he goes, you should put, he goes, you should, uh, Tom's great, you should have him. And the, the lady goes, oh, you're a comic? And I just went, yeah. And then she goes, uh, alright, uhm, April 22nd, you wanna do that show? And I was like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10 plus years ago, doing an OR spot, I was just at the club once, I did the belly room, I used to do a bunch of belly room shows that weren't like official shows, you know, and popping and that dude was exactly the same, exactly the same guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sebastian's new stuff feels like polished material. He has just a way of delivering and like, and, and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Laying out what the bit is that feels like a finished product on the first take. You know, it's like, the first time he says like, I was at the gym, he's talking about what happened at the gym today, it feels like, oh it feels like this is a bit, it's like what happened today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, what is your pronoun? I'm Zim. Why? Because I don't want you to assume that I'm a male. Okay. You're being really presumptuous and you're determining my gender. Let me determine what my gender is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I don't want you to say what's he like. I don't want you to say what's Zim like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, by the way, I wanted to ask you this, because you do your conspiracy theory podcast, which is called...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tim Foyle hat with Sam Tripley. Do you ever address, there's this ridiculous conspiracy theory about like, Armenian genocide. Okay. Do you ever hit up on that? What? Let's hear about that. Like, they claim that like, they claim that like, the Turks wiped it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or a little before it, right? I thought that'd be during that. Is that wrong? Right before it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fucking audacity, these girls threw their own images up over like the doors, Pink Floyd, Biggie, Tupac, and then- How amazing is- The backlash was so swift.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That there was, I mean, 20, like, they were testing, like, maybe we can get away with this. Everyone was like, fuck, no you can't. They're like, sorry. Anyway, and moved on. Like, it was just, it's a blink of an eye. They're like, we tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause the hip hop did, especially Puffy, who I, by the way, I love him. I love Diddy. I think he's a genius. That guy is like a mogul and brilliant in so many ways, but his era specifically was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can literally make it- This is so different too, like I just did an hour and a half of press before this on the phone, radio for upcoming dates, and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you can tell when they're cool right away. It's like, you're just 30 seconds in and you're like, alright man. And then sometimes they're like, you're married to a comedian, what's that like? And I'm like, oh fuck. And I just start like, you know, I'm like, one of them was like, so is your wife coming on this? You're like, I don't want to bring her with me. And he's like, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I didn't mean to upset you. I'm like, dude, I'm fucking kidding, dumb shit. And like, it just, he was so, they all asked the automated questions, you know. What can people expect of the show? Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That world is not real. Did you ever do juniors in eerie? No, because nobody would hire me. No, of course not. They knew what was up. They had a no cursing, no innuendo, no...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I feel like Sammy doesn't know what we're talking about and that's not really fair, so let's key him in on the moose soup lady. There was a speedboat race in I think West Virginia and this lady was watching, she watched the guy wipe out and we don't get to see her but she's the moose soup lady for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That does not involve a moomo. Yeah, no. And like, you're like both, all three guys on that boat are fucking, if she, if they come over from Moosub, that is part of the equation. That's code, right? For a three way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, do you? So, it's either, it's her, or who we imagine the Mousse Soup Lady to be. What are you, oh, definitely, this one, this will be horrible sex? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think, I still think she's less disgusting. I think, I would go astronaut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I mean, wouldn't they be less responsive to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was it for a power couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're already making good money. To start being like this. To be like that. Dude, he's probably, he's probably making like, right now with his touring, like 80 to 100 million a year. Okay. Easily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in prison for a long time now. Yea, it's fucking terrible. That is really crazy, man, that he, uh, that that dude, he was in the league for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like, all the charges were like in the division teams that he was like, oh. Like he had like four in New Orleans. Yeah, you could actually check the schedule and then next day how many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His fucking signature's still on the wall at the, uh, Comedy Magic Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's that, that uhm, What's His Name has been on here before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brido, Bridenstine. He told that great story about Norm MacDonald in Iowa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 20 years ago, where he went uhm, and it was, it was billed as a family friendly show, and it was like 3 or 4 thousand people, and they brought, and uhm, Darryl Hammond went up, then Jim Brewer, and then Norm, and Norm's first joke was about, uh, he saw a video of a pig fucking a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Brido's at the show, he says as he's saying it, like you just see, like, heads stand up. And then Norma's like, what do you want to talk about? Losing your luggage at the airport?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Manhattan. But she's pleased right? She's content. She just loves it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so many of them do. Especially with these, these phony personas, man. You know who's not phony at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fucking president and he, uh, actually gave me a shout out. I wanted to show you guys. Yeah, it's pretty nuts. Um, saw this video. Thank you very much. Uh, mr. Trump for, for mentioning me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, LilTrump90's on Instagram. That's the president. That's my president. And uhm, you know, check him out. My president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would definitely drop a seed in Merkle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so that people know, you mentioned there's an album out? Is there an album out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, on what, like explain to people what late night OR means even though, so that they know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On those late night spots, do people ever, like, do you see guys just go, like, if this sucks, they're just like, just sabotage the spot, be like, well, fuck it, and like, not try? Does that happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And by the way, that, uh, as far as workout rooms, I feel like there's really nothing like the belly room. The belly room is like fucking amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I like when it's, I like when the show, like people say work on shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At all kinds of shows, but I like when it's designated as such, like when it's advertised as such. So the audience goes, this is an actual gym right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That changes the dynamic of the show. You really feel like you can take real chances. It's not like you're doing...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I think it's so funny that they had like, the old cheat code to getting passed for Mitzi was like, I love that, that it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ethnic thing, family thing, your favorite bit. Right. Wow. I wish I had known that. I fucking did not get passed for her. And I remember, I was on stage, and I look and she was, you know, straight back, like where Adam basically sits. And uhm, I could, I'm in the middle of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting hijacked. And like, yea, yea, and I'm just like trying to like say what I'm saying and then I, you know, turning here and I would look back and she was, I could see her still being like, no, no, no, like just, just having a conversation. I was like, fuck. And then I, you know, I'm like, what happened? They're like, nah, she said no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But a comic, the same night, I remember this, opened with like, I know what you're thinking, like I look like this. Past.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're right, you're right. It makes you up your game. You can't really fuck around. It makes you focus on what you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, that dude, especially for 15 to 20 minutes, is a nightmare. Like, you know, it's like, that amount of time for him is like, cause he can really like just drop a grenade, you know, it doesn't have to like, it's, it's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? I had a number of Rogan tour dates where I would follow him too and I'd be like, this sucks man. I used to be, you know what I'd do? Just settle in hard to the material. Not try to fight what he had done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just try to like stay in the, in the material and see if like maybe a minute later they'll kind of gravitate to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like standing on room, on tables in the OR, like walking from table to table, smoking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And talking about uh, Jewish conspiracy theories. Oh yeaah. About how the highways, or the roads in DC, how they design them, and I was like, what is going on? And I wasn't a regular there, so I was just like, stepping in like, this is what happens here? Yeaah. Like this guy talks about,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These crazy theories and, and smokes and nobody says anything. Like it was bananas to watch, you know, like I was really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very common scene. Yeah, no, no. It's all good, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like the gays. So uhm, you guys, please check out all of Sam's stuff. Thank you again for listening to the show, and we'll leave you with, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, go see him. The Ballad of Top Dog's Balls by Skid. Thank you always for sending in the music. And uhm, we'll leave you with that and we'll see you next week. Bye guys!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. You spit up. That was so funny. I can't believe it. I spit my water out. I don't want to turn the wrong earphones. You're gonna get livid at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Gene. Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello. Oh, there it is. Twist on the wrong line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny because they're so accustomed to whatever is happening. Like they just, you know, it's kind of like how Bitsy is. Like if you put like a towel on her head, she just lets it stay there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took a sip of water and then I had to spit it back into the Fiji bottle. That was so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The composition of the dad boner was outstanding. His enthusiasm was just ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a whirlwind, uh, situation. A whirlwind weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To us marrying yourself. I, me, wed. Why are more women choosing to marry themselves?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think, I think you just stay single, right? If you're like, hey, I'm not into marriage, which is totally valid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, like I'm... You know what that's like? Uhm, that's like, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like the girls are like, I'm happy, Ben, saying I'm proud, man. Like, no you're not. If you're happy, you just, you just are. You don't have to tell people, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you could just ignore societal messages and not have to do something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't give a shit. The thing is that I think they want the, uhm, the celebration of a wedding and like they want to wear the dress and stuff. I totally get that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In which case, isn't that kind of like a quinceañera, or like a coming out party? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I, can we call it something else like marrying yourself? It's kind of sad, right? So would you rather marry yourself or-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. That's so crazy. I don't know, I mean, look, I feel like I've made fun of so many of these people, and then you get to know why, and then you're always like, aww, okay, well she was abused or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop being mentally ill. Stop being crazy. Just like in France, they let you marry dead people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm too strong. I'm a strong woman. That's why, that's why men can't handle me. I'm a strong woman. No, you're just, you're annoying. Nobody likes you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To women, a lot of women who are crazy will say stuff like, you just can't handle my success, or like, my personality, or I'm too successful, I'm too big. That's not why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had that too, like uhm, when I was dating people back before Friendster was around, when you and I started dating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I always found it hard to tell somebody that, like, you know what bro, it's just not like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because they'll always interpret it as, like, I'm not enough. Which, of course, and it's a normal reaction to be like, am I not enough? Am I not cool enough for this person? Am I not attractive? Am I too this, too that? And you're like, no dude, they could be a fucking loser. And they just did you a huge favor by rejecting you, bro. Of course, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check, check, check, check. No, no, she needs to come with me to Nordstrom and get fitted. But I like her style, I like where she's going in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I almost have more respect for her marrying the train station.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just because it's, it's something outside of yourself. As opposed to marrying yourself. Yeah, it's very narcissistic and solipsistic to be like, I love me, me, me, me. Then you're, you're in, if you're, if you're all about you your whole life, you're gonna be miserable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, totally. Me, she's me. She's my twin. Yeah. Brunette. She's, okay, she's a little bit of what you would call dumpy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a dumpy look. Uh, it's like a mechanics outfit, but pink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, it's all bad. But that lady was wearing like a lycra top in the restaurant. That was crazy. So the fabric was very unforgiving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she sat down and then we all took turns getting up to go to the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, as somebody who, when I take my bra off, this is what my tits look like now, more or less. But I wear bras, dude, because I don't want to present myself like this, like a crazy person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Severely. But at least, again, this is an externalization of, of one's stuff. You know what I mean? Like at least give your love to something or someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, fuck. I'd have to choose, uh, fuck. God, that's tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause then you can be like, at least you're technically married to something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you do? You'd be in a building? Or would you marry yourself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what if we just married this house? That'd be way easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your pronoun? They got teeth pronoun. Look at those two-faces.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it, but the problem with- But is this healthy? No, it's not. Cause it's just gonna further his isolation. Has he come on it? I'm sure he, yeaah, loads. He makes her do stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, one would wonder about people's iPhones. Isn't that where everyone's watching their porn anyways?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it bums me out, but then I know how lonely some people are, and this is like their only outlet. I know. You know? Then you're like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. It's like those sex robots, like they're constantly trying to make a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to get out of your comfort zone to meet people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the problem is that it further isolates. Look, human beings are meant to be social creatures. You can't stay in isolation and we can't foster it. Yeah. Don't don't marry yourself. Don't marry your fucking Nintendo and don't marry buildings. Go, go find some other freak that's like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well Michael, I hope to see you in West Balls Beach so I can, uh, hit you in your dumb face, cause that's stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I did it in third grade and then I realized how lame it looked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then why wouldn't you put it on your dominant hand so that you're always looking at that hand?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hindrance of the watch, got it. But that is a psychopathic, uh, look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you what I feel is another psychopathic look, and I know I'm gonna get some pushback on it. Very, very racy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the sandals, like the ones I showed you today on the Vionic website, those ugly sandals that are like strappy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, those are like, look, I wear orthopedic shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're like, look, these are orthopedic, for people watching, I'm lifting into the camera, you can see they're like ballet flats, they're nice. You wouldn't even know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens? It's usually couples who wear those together in their like 60s. They start to shut it down sexually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are sandals with a heel. Those are terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I feel like they do too because the, they usually are black, like if you look at the, under the foot of the person, they're always black. Cause they're worn down, you sweat in them and the leather gets...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you just pee or you soap and then it just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] P is sterile, it sterilizes your foots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? It's true. It's called reality. So, but I'll tell you what, I had an ex boyfriend who was very type A, very.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meticulous, you know, folded his shirts with a folding board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. We didn't last, obviously. I'm a pig. Yea, I know you didn't last. Yea, I'm a total animal. Yea. But he would, uh, insist on washing his feet in the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I totally showered. So I totally washed my feet. I don't know why. I mean, I get pedicures and then they scrub them, like they get in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My feet are sweaty, but I feel like they get washed in the shower. Will you bring up Shaq's foot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has anyone had sex with Shaquille O'Neal? Can you let us know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the big question is, which we've debated hotly on this show, is whether or not those things are correlated. Whether or not hand size is correlated to penile size, or an indicator of penile size, or foot size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The big toe is what troubles me. It's just, it's mashed to the right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's so important to wear good shoes, especially the older I get now that I'm into orthopedics. I really-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't do it, dude. Since I had a kid, I just fucked up my whole alignment, everything. My back's all fucked up, hips are all messed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chicago Bulls. Well, they're all taped up. You can see that. You can tell there's something resting in it. Oh, his nails are all jacked up. Yeah, they're all fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was wearing the jean sweatshirt, it's like my favorite thing now, I wear it all the time. And, uh, the stewardess was, I'm sorry, flight attendant, I got so, I'm sorry, such a cisgendered comment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She comes up to me and she goes, Oh, is it Jean or Jean? I'm from Montreal. And I was like, it's Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jean. I couldn't lie to her. I should have said Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the R car, that's how it happened. I was on a pothole on Sunset, up towards the 405.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I took one too fast, and the guy says, look, I can tell it was a pothole that did this to your car. He told me, he showed me how.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I can't, I mean, when we were prepping the games, I was so excited, I wanted to sit in here to listen, but then I thought, probably better if I wait until we play it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we also spent the last week with them. We haven't even gone over that. And we got to hear so many wonderful stories from them about your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite moment by far was when we were looking for a movie to watch and your dad's reading off the actors and what does he say Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't care. It's when he talks and he says something wacky or when you repeat it perfectly because you do a really good impression of him. It's like hearing him in stereo. He also...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think it's because he doesn't have an ear for like music or language. You have to have an ear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to be tuned into it. And he's just not tuned in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he farted in the car when we were on the way to the country club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I smelled it. I didn't want to talk about it, but it was really rancid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's alarming. Now just so the listeners know, your mother, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I texted your mother, hey, what did Top Dog think about your new boobs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's your, here's a deal. You can also buy a bra that fits and that creates cleavage, but your mother was insistent upon not buying a bra that was too sexy. So we got our bras that were in our comfort zone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I wanted your mom to come back with a little sassitude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Because the breathing is overwhelming to me. I feel like he has to go to the doctor or something's wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your dad was wearing the same outfit the whole week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. But I'm thinking more oversized khakis with a belt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the khakis would come up over the belt, cause it was too big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And two buttons came undone and then his hoshi was hanging out, his stomach was hanging out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He came over, it was like a chill day and just laid in khakis and a button down and that was his comfort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the fact is your mother won't eat anything that is grown from the ground. And that includes, I made strawberry shortcake for dinner last night for dessert. She wouldn't even eat a strawberry. Like your mother won't even touch a Brussels sprout even if it's covered in a delicious sauce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's bananas. But that's why I thought that was really crazy to ask her because she loves...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, we were driving around our neighborhoods and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, oh, I'd love to live in California, except that I can't take the freeway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would they pee the dicks? Could you pee out of your forehead dicks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so did I. I didn't picture them as functional pieces, but that's a whole other level. Cause I might choose finger nipples if they were dicks that peed and ejaculated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know why your mother's laughing, because I'm sure as a non-native English speaker, like you can put two and two together and you can understand those jokes. It's a very elementary, you know, for a non-native speaker. For your dad, it's just, that's just his jam, dude. He just, he loves stupid people jokes, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what are they thinking of your act? If they think this shit's hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that we'll ever see Ellis who he is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gets better at this kind of stuff, emotions. Oh, right. Acknowledging people. But we'll have our-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just, but he's living his own moments over and over, you know? Like he's only in his reality, like he can't, that's what I'm saying, he can't even see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to vlog my feelings. I like to tweet about it. I like to demand that your dad get fired from his job for laughing at these offensive jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very offended you guys. It's very progressive of you. How dare you? How dare you not agree with me and my point of view and stereotype us blondes like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See now it's angering me, cause I see it from your point, like I keep picturing my dad, those are my dad, I'd be infuriated too. Cause like, you're like, you're a comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then your mom went into lengthy detail about her urethra opening surgery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to hear the story. It's like, it's such a gross, long story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate it. She texted us last night, like I wanna, I can't even repeat the text back to you because I couldn't read it. Whenever somebody expresses their feelings to me, I get so uncomfortable. It's just not, in my family, if you express your feelings, it's a sign of weakness and you will be ridiculed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. In our house it's, thank you, okay? Thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I gotta go. Like you don't, you just say thank you once and then that's it. Or maybe you send a card so that you don't have to actually say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for me, the expression of her feelings, like when she said goodbye to me last night and she was telling me all this stuff, like I couldn't, I couldn't get away fast enough. So far. I can't get away fast enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not his favorite though, he likes like steak. I made shrimp, that's shrimp pasta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I liked it. It's one of our favorites. But yeah, the feelings, I can't, I don't like it. Like I like doing nice things for people, but I don't like to hear the thank you. I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it though. I love listening to them. I laughed at them all week they were here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when we discovered King Assripper, that was a big find. There's been a few of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He needs to get rid of it. To me, he doesn't need those theatrics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even just to do your mouth, it's very hard to blow a trumpet actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, oh, uh, no, no, we've already done our dates. So that's, that's in the past.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are going to be trolling with a jitterbug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's balla- I'm like six trashcans of all different colors. Man, you guys don't fuck around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Body sound? No, it's something, uh, black guy or- Oh, Tomer Black! Oh, Tomer Black! Yeah, we played Tomer Black. Wow! And I did really well. Did you? Yeah, it's on my Wikipedia page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zero. But that should mean something too. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or my favorite thing is, is, uh, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jason Tebow always talks about this. They should just do a podcast of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever see that video where the Amigos were almost gonna fight at the, uh, BET Awards? Oh, of course. Oh, so good. First of all, uh, black award shows are the best. They should just live stream backstage, stabbings and shootings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, the two best are obviously the AVNs and any black award show, where someone's either gonna get shot or OD'd. So you know something good's gonna happen there. But they had them on the morning show, and these, the literally, the black people couldn't understand what the black people were saying. He's like, what, what, you deal with him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is how, uh, languages start. I mean, at one point, there were a couple people, everyone's talking the same, and then just things get weird and weirder, and now that you got Chinese, Spanish, and all that shit, because everybody just starts talking their own fucking way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I just love it dude, I just love black people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get cornrows, and I know you've had issues, you've talked about white people cornrows, I've talked about white people with cornrows. Yeaah. But I think I'm gonna do, how much longer can I do cornrows? I think this is the end of any cornrows phase I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a question. My big titted Mexican hairstylist says, just grow the tops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I have my hair right now, just let this thing keep growing. Yeah, you can do that. Just go longer and then cornrow it up and look like a tree from Grand Theft Auto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, it would make it even weirder? Like, I used to have normal glasses when I went up, and then I thought I looked like Mark Maron, and then I'm like, my act isn't Mark Maron, and Mark Maron's act is phenomenal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are those, are those real glass? He goes, no. I go, that's fucking stupid. And we just had a huge blow up and we never did a podcast again. Wow. Wait, what do you mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a podcast called the International Bad Boys Hour, me and my buddy were on it and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One day I come in and I'm just like, are those real glasses? He goes, no, I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucking stupid. Why are you wearing fake glasses? And we just, it just kerosene on fire. Boom! And it just exploded and we just ended it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. And it just got really bad. Who was it? He's the guy who works at the store. We're way cool now. But I'm happy it happened because now I'm on this new podcast called Tinfoil Hat and I just do conspiracy theories about lizard people and deep state shit and creepies. Are you into conspiracy theories? 100%. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe that the, uh, I think that there are, we'll call them the deep state, creates problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In order to beg us to save us from those problems. The drug war?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we find out that, uh, you know, that the CIA and one of their assets was Pablo Escobar. How'd all the cocaine get here? You know where it went into? Arkansas. Who's governor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bill Clinton at the time was smuggling all this cocaine in, and that fueled the cocaine, uh, the crack wars, the crack epidemic of all that stuff. So then they beg us to save them, the war against drugs, blah blah blah. I think it's totally there. Moon landing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know about that one. Either we went to the moon, we have two options. Either we've never been past the Van Allen Belt and it's all bullshit and it's black ops to make, to take money and to put in other stuff, or we're on every planet. I don't think there's any in between.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, in my opinion, if you start saying that there are aliens and there's stuff going out there, I think one religion goes out the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand that and I totally agree with that, but I think at the highest level, you always hear this a lot, like, uh, you know, I've had discussion with comedians, they're like, somebody would say something at some point. You're like, well, people have, and they kind of get discredited, but the higher up you go, there's less people involved. So the numbers, like, uh, this one comic, I can't say her name, did this, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did, uh, the super special forces, like were the best of the special forces, all come into one. And like every room she went to, she had to sign a new doc saying that she wouldn't tell anybody about it. And basically, uh, they'd kill her if she said anything like that's how top secret.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand that too, I'm just, my opinion is the farther up on the chain you get, the harder and harder it gets there. And they do a lot of, a lot of analyzing you, your habits, they spy on you, they get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They get blackmail stuff and the higher up you go, the more you're in. The more you're in, the more you have at stake. So it's not like everybody at the bottom. Let's say like you're at the comedy store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's the regulars, there's the headliners, and then there's like the super duper like theater dudes who are all doing all that stuff. And that's a very concentrated group of people. And not everybody down here can go up to here and hang out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very- There's tears of it. Yes. And like to get in, within a structured environment to get up to that level is harder and harder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pizza gate too? Well pizza gate was, listen, pizza gate was used to discredit


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pedo gate. So everyone's like, oh, and they're fucking kids in pizza parlors. Nah, it's, it's much different. And it goes, this is deep state shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gets ugly and there's a reason for that. And it's like the higher up you go, okay, there's a couple, there's a big controversy going on right now in Reddit in that there are, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple YouTube channels and Daniel Tosh did a big story on it. They have over like 10 billion views that are basically like corporate child porn. Now they're not like kids doing like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this is how they start to gather people, like they're analyzing who are watching these videos, right? Okay, that's great. And you're like, okay, we know this guy. But it's also other people with darker things going, okay, who's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's maybe susceptible to this type of stuff? That's secretly what they're into. Oh, maybe this guy's running for politics, right? So now they fast track these guys and they put them in these weird, awkward situations, film them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they blackmailed the fuck out of him. There was a famous producer that used to throw cocaine and hooker shows. I mean, parties. And he would film everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you were up for a negotiation, he'd be like, nah dude, I'm not gonna sign for that, that's bullshit. He's like, okay, let's watch this thing. And it's just you doing coke off some tranny hooker's asshole. And then you're like, okay, I'll sign for that. It's like, I mean, as the money, you gotta think, there's trillions of dollars in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Just- No, but there's a lot. There's a lot? Okay, dude. Listen, I feel like I'm- okay. So, in my opinion, within the conspiracy theory community, there's a lot of anti-Semitism. I like go in there, my girlfriend's Jewish, and I go in there and I- I go- I go at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, organized religions are, to these very high up people, are just Halloween masks. They wear them to move around us and be, because the truth of the matter is, and this is gonna sound crazy as fuck, it's Luciferian shit. It's like very, it's not like, oh, hail Satan. It's like very dark art shit. Now at, in the Vatican.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's really- I'm not saying it did or didn't happen. I'm saying there's interesting things that don't make a lot of sense involved with it. Like what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what do we see in Columbine? People knocking out windows, like trying to crawl out to get away. We see kids running all over the place. We see none of that. We see one picture of one woman leading a couple kids, and it's a still picture. There's nothing else. The, uh, the mom who supposedly died,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like later on, she doesn't really exist. She's, uh, she wasn't a teacher there. Then it turns out she was like a substitute teacher at another school somewhere else. So there's just all these little things that we start going, Oh man, that's kind of weird. I mean, like if you go deep diving into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you gotta go really deep, cause if you're expecting the, the, the, the six, uh, excuse me, all the alphabet networks to tell you everything, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back in the 90's, the Clintons deregulated the media. We went from 88 different companies owning 90% of the media to 6 companies owning all the media. So it's very, and those companies,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They make more money off of other shit than they do off of, uh, the media. So the media is just used to fund their other stuff. So anyways, there's a lot of crazy stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is one of the most gorgeous chicks I ever seen in my life goes up and she goes, your comedy makes me feel the same way I get when I eat my own pussy. I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always get asked to do it. It's a, it's a young man's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all got picked up at the same time at the world famous comedy story by Mitzi Shor. She picked us up because she wanted an Arab show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I did this bit about Asians on ecstasy that I used to do about how their visuals are so much better because they're so much smarter, right? Like dumb people's visuals are like 8-bit and their visuals are like Dobie IMAX digital sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they, they, they weren't getting spots so they had to talk to Mitzi so she remembered him, right? So uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked down on Paul Mooney's outfit and I'm like, fuck man. And I'd had a weird run in with Mooney like two weeks earlier, which I was on stage at this show at the Hustler adult bookstore. They had a comedy show there and it was ran by this guy named Johnny Montana, who was like, coked out of his skull. And he would just do jokes about his headshots for like every week. And I was doing a joke about how, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, uh, how hard it is to be a white guy. And I got off stage and Paul Mooney ran up to me and goes, homie, you ate white. Use Armenian, use a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is totally cool and I'm always thankful to Paul Mooney for that. So I come out and I go, and the whole thing is after your showcase, you walk up to Mitzi and you kinda kiss the ring, right? So I walk up and I'm like, hey Mitzi, thank you so much for the showcase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you Syrian? And I didn't know what the fuck Syrian was. And I'm like, yep, I'm totally fucking Syrian. I love being Syrian. I love Syrian food. She's like, okay, I want you in the showcase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such a crazy time. I tried to do a doc on that move, on that show. And of course it got completely fucked up by crazy people. But uhm, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's doing a show the next night in the main room. I did a showcase. This is how cool Maja Brownie is. He gets me in. He's a great guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool studio for me. One of the guys who stayed real no matter what's happened to him. One of the most real dudes you ever meet. So, Ahmed Ahmed, Aaron Kater, myself are all showcasing. Maz is already a regular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we go up and we do our set, and we all have really good sets. Maz wants to get Brett Ernst in, so Maz disappears. Maz is like, oh, we can't find Maz, can we put somebody else up? They put Brett Ernst up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brian Ernst does a showcase. All four of us get picked up that day. So on the same day. On the same day. What year was that? That, uh, was 99 or 2000. What? Wow! Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two thousand. Wait, seriously? One hundred percent. Fuck man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a year before 9-11 because she wanted, she thought that like Arabs are going to need a voice. Like that's how crazy it was. Wow. So she picked us up, but she made us be regulars and worked a door. Like I had to work the door. And then, you know, four months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was so fast, and like, I used to be a real knucklehead, and you can even like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A gun recognizes a gun, you know what I'm saying? Like you're like, okay, this guy's fucking good. So you're going to be like, either we're going to be rivals or we could be friends, right? And I'm like, this guy's so fast, let's be friends. So I did to you what was done to me in that I joined an improv troupe thinking it was a standup comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show. I didn't know what it was. And my friend Victor Isaac, who lives out in LA now is like, you're really funny. Come do standup. I'm like, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, do you do stand up? And you're like, no, I'm like, you fucking should do stand up. You're really funny. So I took you around for like a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you get it. That's how I lied to get in the coffee store. Then there was Kat. What's her name, Kat? Uhm. Reitman. Reitman. And then there was the trucker from Smoky and the Bandits. SMOKING hot daughter! Who's dating somebody from Lincoln. Lincoln Park. Yea, Lincoln Park.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you were just doing spot and then you were just torn off of you've been, you and Sebastian both were road dogging right out the gate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the funny thing about Sebastian is Sebastian was Sebastian from The Drop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dice loved him, cause he was like Italian, Dice has kinda got that Italian thing going, and uh, just went off and he was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would never say this, but like, he's been doing it so long, he knows his voice. Yeah, that's what it is. He can, anything happen goes right through the voice box and comes out and he's got a point of view. Yeah. Burr, Burr's like that. Yeah, Burr's like that. I'm sure you guys are like that. Yeah, I mean, it's like, if you've done it long enough, you know your take. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think comedy is going through some right now where it's like, the actual humor is like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just cause we need a bi-racial bisexual person and you're like, you know, I'm thinking about sucking black dicks in front of everybody just to get fucking something going, you know, just go on stage and just crush Jamar neighbor's dick in front of everybody just so somebody will fucking sign me to something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a uncle that was involved in all that. What did he do, kill a bunch of people? My mother's uncle, excuse me. Your mom's uncle, what was that, in a camp? He was, uh, he had a fucking tattoo on him. What did the Turks do? Slaughter, killed kids. They did a lot of suck our dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have the longest running show ever at the Comedy Store. It is a 15 year charity event. It happens once a year. It's called the Armenian Bow Mail Registry and a cousin of mine had


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is still, she beat it naturally, but her mom, my cousin, my mother's cousin,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, couldn't find a match, so her and this, uh, doctor named Dr. Frieda Jordan decided to start an, uh, an Armenian bull marrow registry where, uh, people would, uh, get tested and see if they're, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Marrow matched and it's like this event that's insane because you actually see the results of your, your actions. Like sometimes you do charity event. You're like, I hope somebody got that money. You know what I'm saying? But this one, like they built a giant hospital in Armenia and all that stuff. And the reason we have a unique genetic makeup is that, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, inbreds. Oh yeaah. Cause we're the only Christian country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like, it's like, uh, Turkey, Armenia, let's go at it. And then they just, they had a weird thing and they were war crimes committin'. And it's so interesting that there's actually something called the Young Turks, which is, and I love their political views, but you're literally named after like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like hand people Pepsi, everyone's that's fighting. That was amazing. So now they put out a t-shirt. You see this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not just of music, the greatest performance I've ever seen in my life. Like this guy owns this crowd, like I've never seen anybody own a crowd before. He's running around, he's got those bad British teeth, where they're just like, it looks like a gateway to a haunted fucking house, right? I miss that. It's just like the gays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, at the highest levels of like business, these CEOs, they love to go to like Dominatrix and just get the shit kicked out of them, because they gotta do this shit. This is not him. Right! He's not like, man, do you guys just sing about friends?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I think, like, and you see it happening in comedy right now. It's like, I'm starting to like, you know, like, I couldn't, clubs weren't hiring me because I was crazy. But now it's like, comedy's caught up to what I'm doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother's awesome. I would say he's a little more conservative than I. He's, for a guy who runs a strip bar, he's, he's a little more, he's one of those libertarian dudes, you know, so, uh, so we're kind of the same, I'm just a little crazier, he's more conservative, and uh, you know, so he'd run these strip bars and I'd show up and there was this one girl who was a stripper,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was just like, you know, I've been a lesbian for the last like five years. You're the first dick I've had instantly. You feel like Jackie Robinson, you know, it's like, you gotta represent your people. If you fuck this up, they never get a shot again. Right? So I just had to work my ass off. So yeah, dude, I'm hooked up with it. It's not, it's, it's interesting as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, I told this the last time I was on the show, but there was this like lesbian and Dana point. She was like a lipstick lesbian. She was gorgeous and she probably got cheated on by her boyfriend, ran to the lesbian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gigs where lesbian couples come out and you know the one's the dude and the one's the chick and the chick is fucking hot and she wants to get weird, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a natural. How much money do you gotta make to do that? Like, they're gonna dump money on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No matter how high you guys are, you're not higher than Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's a song that this rock band, and they played in every fucking commercial. But then someone thought it might be a good idea to play it live at some event. It is the most dogshit song you'll ever, cause it's only meant for commercials. But there's like huge down times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' wack. Just like the most deviant comedians are the ones that are like. Someone said to me the other day that Nick DePaulo is the nicest guy in the world. I go, it totally makes sense to me. Because he goes up and says everything he wants to say on stage. David Tell's like that, super nice. Sam Tripp?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Telling other people how to, uh, do comedy. Right. Like that was really my biggest problem with the whole Liza Schlesinger thing was that she was like, Oh, you're working dirty, blah, blah, blah, low hanging fruits. Like you're not doing rocket science up there, you know, and I love you to death, but it's like, I'm just tired of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People who make business decisions, getting mad at people who go up there and just try to give a piece of their soul for their art, you know? You know, being the Carl Sagan of dick jokes, which I've often called myself, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just like to go up there and just fucking have fun. And like, you know, financially, it's, it's led itself to where it is, you know? And I just like, do you, don't worry about it. If you wanna be a business person, go do it. Just don't tell other people how they should be doing comedy. That's my whole problem. That's a good point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that Wanda Sykes moment? Where it's like, uh, she's like, how'd you guys do back in your days? And he's like, we spoke English. And I'm like, duh, everyone's like, damn. Oh yeah. At that, at the, uh, award show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good looking, black athlete, who's rich as shit, and he would be roofing girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Darren Sharper was on the Hall of Fame Ballot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you remember after OJ got accused, it took like MBC like a month to fire him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, I wish, I do, there's part of me that wishes I could like that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, convinced Islamic rapist jihadists are everywhere in upstate New York. We live by cows, by the way. There's a cow crossing a block from where I live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too much of that shit. So I, like, she, like, she wanted to come see me in Syracuse. I was playing the funny bone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she wanted to stay in my hotel room. I'm like, I'm the only guy that brings back chicks that's your mom after your fucking show. But she comes and she slept with her purse in the bed next to her like this. And I'm like, mom, the only person who could steal that is me. That what are you trying to say about me? But she, uh, all she watches is HGN and it just,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just loves it. She just loves it, but every show's a gay guy selling fucking real estate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got the special kids from the Olympics here, man, and they really let us know. We can do anything if we dream about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got, he upgraded his wig, actually. And his, uh, skin is so clean. It's unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a double album out. It's called The Diabolical. The first album is storytelling. I got some great stories about how I got away from a police helicopter chase, a couple gigs I did in the desert, some crazy shit, Special Olympics show. And then the second album is called Friday Night Late Show and it's basically me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sacramento punchline and they were just sloppy, sloppy. And I'm like, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many times are you going to be able to put out a double album? I'm like, fuck it, I'm going to put it out and see how it goes. And uh, about five minutes and I realized...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This crowd's not playing along, and then I just start ripping them a new asshole for like 45 minutes, and I had the best time. Really? Yea, so I put it out, so it's like two hours of power.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even my bombing is entertaining. I go out in a blaze of glory, you know what I'm saying? You go for it. Oh yeaah. I'm gonna leave a mark. I'll grab the fucking plane's fucking controller's flight right into the building. I don't give a fuck. You know what I'm saying? I like to have fun. I mean that's just OR late night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedy, you gotta get blood from a stone sometimes at that comedy show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A thousand times. They've seen every famous person they've ever wanted to see. And you just gotta somehow get them to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think occasionally that happens, but I think like all the people at the end are kinda like friends with everybody and we kinda all gotta like, I gotta keep these people here for the next person. You do, you really do. I think everybody kinda works together in this weird way. You gotta have energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How late you are, you're still blessed to be like one of what? 3000, 4000, 5000 comics in LA to get a spot in that room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's basically Comedy Store versus New York City Comedy. Like, that's all, if there was no Comedy Store, I think LA Comedy would be in really bad shape, but it's the one place that's kind of Mecca. Whereas you go out to like, New York, it's like such a different fun vibe out there, and you can explore it, but I think the Comedy Store is the one place where you can take


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know, the lineups are so killer now, but it's like, it's mecca. So it's like, even if you're doing a one o'clock in the morning spot, you still want to do the best that you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tanking it? They'll take that away from ya, and they'll put somebody else in there who's trying to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's the low, I mean like, it's just below stealing jokes. It goes stealing jokes, and then shit talking, even if I don't like somebody, I would never talk shit to them to a booker. But people do that, and so you get those late night spots, I think they're the only


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you get like past 11.30, it's like, it starts to thin out, you can take a couple more chances. That's kind of what I, I do miss that part of the comedy story where it was like a workout room, but I also understand that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm starting a new sh- new room. It's called the Dojo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, I'm going to start doing it. We're doing it Thursdays and the goal is to kind of get it going. So it's like, you can actually go work on shit. That'd be great. It's right down the street from the comedy store. The show would start at eight. You guys could do your spots and then run down, do your store set. But you can do 15, 20 of just working on shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the improv is like Pablo Francisco a long time ago told me never work on new shit the improv. Like that's the office. That's where the industry goes hangouts. Now the comedy store is kind of that. But it's like, and then it used to be at the comedy store cause there was like 20 people in the crowd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody's doing coke in the back and fucking having weird fucking weirdness. You could work on shit, but it's not like that anymore. So I, uh, I'm working on this place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every night, you sit fucking 50 people in there, it's packed out. That's a great idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, dude. My goal is to get going Wednesday through Saturday and have this guy, my buddy TK, him and I run it and then you could show up every day whenever you want to work on shit. Wait, is it TK, uhm, what's his name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget TK's last name, but he's like a comic. You guys been around forever? Yeaah. But he, yeaah, he's a friend of mine, and I, cause it's at this bar that I saw, and like the U7 upstairs, I'm like, this would be a great place for a comedy club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go there and TK's running a room, we've been friends for a long time, like I want to do a new room here, so a new night. He's like, let's do it. So we've done it, it's been packed out the last two times. I want to start getting it every week, I want to get it so it starts running itself. That is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and she was a little older, but she, she had a vision too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's all these famous stories of like, famous people coming up, calling her up, going, Hey, I'm blah, blah, blah. I'm blah, blah, blah. I'd love to play your club. And she's like, I don't give a fuck. Hang up, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, I, I get it. She treated me well. I don't know what it was. I was getting tons of spots in there and it was a blessing. It was also kind of cursed cause you like, you're getting like five spots a week at the comedy store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to go on the road. I'm making money here. I'm doing all these live shows, selling all this ad stuff, you know? I mean this, uh, I'm making all these, uh, sponsorship money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I don't want to go on the road as much as I did. And then it's like becomes this kind of false victory. So I think the key is to do a little bit there, then go out and practice your Kung Fu out there. It's like, now you're getting a lot of spots there and it's like, it's such an interesting thing. And the reason I think it's one of the hardest rooms to do is because there's no host.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to go up. It could be like 5 o'clock fire. Like Rogan just flamethrowed that fucking room and guess who has to go up right after that. Yeah, you're right, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm gonna ask to follow Joey Diaz all the time, just to see if I could crack that code. Cause it's just, I mean it's a combination of like funny, well written, super energy. Like I followed him a couple times, for the first five minutes I'm like Charlie Brown's mom, no one's listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rogan used to bring me out with him, and I'd always have to- I'd have to follow Diaz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one time in San Jose, dude, he opened up and did like 12 minutes of like, next level ass-eating material. Like, next level. And I just wanna go, what do I have that can follow that? And it's nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nothing. And you go, Rogan, why are you making me follow this guy? I go, following Joey Diaz at a Joe Rogan show is like featuring or middling for Van Halen but the opening act is David Lee


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kind of what I've learned man, over time, like at some point at the Comedy Store, my material was carrying me when I was like, had Bambi legs, you know where I'm like, uuuh, I just let the material carry me. Now it's kind of like, I can follow anybody, I've been following, I mean like, during my first two years at the Comedy Store,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any week I was either following Rogan, Dice, or Eddie Griffin doing literally two and a half, three hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nuts. Well, I was born and bred in that shit. Yeah. And then I would go on the road and thinking everything's the comedy store and just go nuts and it was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like wrong thing, so I had to readjust myself. That's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To go off going, okay, not everything's a comedy source. So my style in comedy, I call it gator roll. It's where it's like, you know how alligators kill things? They grab it at the top and then they slowly drag it down and then they drown it and spin it around. It's not really simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With maybe some shit my pants material, right? Bring em in. Relatability. And then next thing you know, I'm doing a bit about smoking crack with this fucking black robot guy that happened to me one time. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you guys check out my double album, The Diabolical. It's on iTunes. Uh, it's two hours of super power. Get Sam Trippley's album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's great. I'm gonna shoot a special. I'm gonna shoot my own special. Good for you. And I'm just gonna put it out. I'm not even gonna try to sell it anywhere. Where are you gonna shoot it, you know? Uh, I'm trying to find the right place. I wanna do the Viper Room, cause I just love doing stand-up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's got kind of like a name cache and it's just really small and simple. I just wanna shoot it. Name your price. I'm gonna probably shoot that in the next month or two. Are you gonna wear your Mr. Magoo glasses or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, check out my YouTube page. I upload something every day. YouTube.com backslash Sam Tripley. I'll put up something I call Opiate for the Asses, which is just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, 30 minutes of just crowd work, me ripping people, and then I do something called twerking in politics, where I take twerk videos from, uh, uh, Instagram, and I put political messages over them, and I try to spread- You're a mad man. I love your Instagram. And wait, do you still do punch drunk, right? Yea, I do punch drunk with Ari Shaffir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to show you guys the bleaching, but we're out of time, but, uh, I did it with Ari Shaffir and Jason Tebow and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we're about to launch our own network. I was talking to you a year ago, but the fucking website's finally done. Good. And we're gonna just get a, a, a, a all sports comedy channel going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are the best. You're the power couple of comedy. You're by far the funniest. And the fact that you guys, you guys are huge and you guys should be on everything all the time. But I think you guys have your own wonderful things going on. You don't fucking need that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the fucking two funniest people I know, and you're the nicest people I know. We love you. We love you the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been searching for the hot holes all of my life long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that was raping people? Yes. Is there any comedy of him on YouTube?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's an actor. She's great. That doesn't understand this. He says, how come when he says he's going to fart, but he shit, there is a name for that. And then he's wondering, he keeps asking me all the time, how come when he says he's going to shit, but don't fart, there's no name for that. Perfect. You can do that, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's the level of dad boner is directly proportional to the stimuli, if you will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think it's because maybe he was watching them build it for so long? Like maybe that's his route to work every day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so, I'm so excited to be here. I spent the last 48 hours in a courtyard Marriott.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really neat just to sit in the brown room and then, I forget how boring the days are for stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forgot about that, like, you have to just fill hours of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I didn't do a good job. I just sat in my room and I watched Netflix all day and slept.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do, you do a lot more on the road. You're like, oh I worked out, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that's when I start to sleep. That's when I start my nap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not how my day went. My day is I have two beds. There's one that you sleep in and the other one you eat in and I ordered Postmates and I ate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shits, the constant shitting, you're always excusing yourself to shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I still have to check Instagram. I gotta look at the Twitter. I gotta post things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't take long to come out. My road dumps are very- Can I tell you what gave me? Listen, if you're having trouble taking a shit,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to Starbucks, buy the instant coffee at Starbucks, I drink those on the road instead of the swill that they call coffee at the Courtyard Marriott, and I shit like foot long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think, that's not true. Like my dog doesn't like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he's got a number eight on this knuckle auger. Two more eights to see uh, hail Hitler. The 888.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, if the shoe fits, he sounds like someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't taste that bad. I don't know what this fucking hillbilly's all crying about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's Stewie. Isn't that Stewie from the Family Guy? I don't think so. It is. It's Stewart. Really? Oh yea, you're right. Maybe it's his catchphrase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I'm going to Fartniks. This week, Fartniks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's hard cause he's, he only knows a few words, so he can't communicate. What he wants. Yea, that part might be crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the only, the times I get stressed out are like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cause mom, mom does every- like no offense, but mom is really-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Well, and that's the thing is that people assume women are natural caregivers, and that's really not true because I had to learn how to take care of an infant. It's not like it comes out of you and you're like, oh, I know how to breastfeed. Like, no, someone had to come to our house and teach me how and then I had to learn how to change a diaper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's learned behavior and men can learn it too and I don't know why the fuck!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The default is mom all the time on everything. Well, I know why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes sense, actually. Cause it came out of me, which, him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, why is that the assumption that only mom can take care of children? I think men should be offended that it's assumed to be a female role. I mean, don't you get some satisfaction taking care of Alice? Of course I get satisfaction. That's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I feel like people can do it. I don't know. Despite having... I feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you, it's smoky tasting, because it's smoky. Yeah, it's really smoky. You can't, you can't like, smoke a cake in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was awesome. Yeah, cause we found, uh, the secondary show, The Master Class. They have it on Netflix and you can watch Mary Berry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mary Bowie and Paul Hollywood make the recipes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, Paul Hollywood is like a big show off. Like he cracks the eggs with one hand on the side of the bowl. He does it fast too, like showing off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He made a couple of old jokes at her at one point and she did not react. Like a couple of them she was like, nope. She did not like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made fitness today, I reined it in, yeaah, we're all good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take care of the kid alone now? Uhm. Pretty exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, you're not gonna read listener emails, are you? Because those are always really slanted towards one of us, or they don't really know us in real life, so how can you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But wait a minute, that's not some random caller. That's your biological mom. That's the woman that raised you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe you solicited these. That was Ryan Sickler of the Crab Feast Podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, those aren't people, those are two biased people that you set up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's obviously uh, skewed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Wow, this is really quite a coup here. Well, so, I mean. I'm devastated. I can't believe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe you did that to her how much did you pay her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sent her and her husband Jimmy free t-shirts and that's why they did that. I got that, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't feel done. In fact, this compels me to continue the dialogue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna take it to the streets and I'm gonna really, really interview people from now on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, everybody who knows us both. Unbiased people, maybe not family members or best friends that you've manipulated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She sent me a picture in our glass and shirts last night and I thought, well that's weird. That's odd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She doesn't normally, you know, buy merch from us and then now it makes perfect sense. You sent her those shirts and you bribed her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I never even took chemistry because I couldn't get past the first like week of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Or manipulation. Some might say manipulative personality. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could not get it to save my life. I mean, in high school I could not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I'd be living in a cardboard box. I'd be living in a gutter. Bangladesh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I see that a lot on the, uhm, on the Instagram, like, I follow Nat Geo on Instagram


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're, and they're like, this baby was born with five legs and two heads from India. It's never America that the five legged baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the funny part too actually is that our interior designer was here this morning showing us plans and, uh. She waited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She weighed in, and we have a really good relationship with her, she's very funny, and I go, forgive Tom, he's late, he's just not a very good personality. And I go, Shauna, that's her name too, who do you think has a better personality, Tom or me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Allow me to defend, here's why. A, I'm a woman. If I walk around being all googly star-eyed and kind to every a-hole out there, guys think you're hitting on them if you're nice to them, and I had to learn that in my twenties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got hit on actually twice in the airport. My wedding ring is not big enough. So the second part to that is I grew up in a major city with a lot of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The second part is that when you grow up in LA, there's a lot of nutbags here that come from other places, so you gotta put up the shield first, and then if you're cool, then I'm nice. Now, but I'm nice to servers, I'm nice to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To everybody, I just don't go out of my way to be kind, kind, like, hey, be my friend. Not until I know you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I'm not rude to, like, service people though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now back to this Bangladesh thing, just so you know, I had an Indian stepfather for 17 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not the same. And he hated India. He only ever told me horror stories about growing up, uh, in Bombay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So all I ever heard was what a dump India was and how much better America is. So just, you know, I've got a fucking witness in the stance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, also the civility. I've heard stories where uhm, a pedestrian will be hit in the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May 4th and 5th, Fartnecks, Arizona at Stand Up, arrive. May 19th through 20th, Jew Dork Titties at Gotham, come on you club. June 1 through 3, Denver. Momver? Hangver?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Denver Comedy Works, the downtown location. June 16th and 17th, Manfriend Disco at the Punch Rhine Comedy Crub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and I just added June 22nd. I'm gonna run it one last time here at Flapper's in Burbank in the Yoohoo room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you're not supposed to, but I always prefer them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wasn't like, hey, what happened was I'm wearing, I don't wear a big chunky garish diamond ring. I just, it doesn't work. I have a very tender little wedding band that says Mrs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't think it stands out enough because uhm, twice I got kind of like talked to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I'll tell you what's a really big cock shrinker is a one year old in your arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I usually look like hell when I travel and this time I had gone to Allen, I got my hair done and it was blown out nicely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't send out any kind of signal, like eyes down, eyes forward, usually earbuds, very shut off, like I'm very cold in public, that is true. Like I don't, I'm not kind as you say to everybody. So I'm in the security line and that's the first guy who's about my age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he's alone, and he's doing the whole, wow, this is Burbank Airport, it's really easy, huh? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this is so much better than Texas, and where are you going? Like, doing the whole Chaddy Cathy stuff. And then you're like, oh yes. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, what husband, what kid? And I had the, uh, screen photo I have of you and Ellis like immediately. I changed it. Yeah, I changed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, I shut it down though, I don't really want to get into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was on South Worst airline and we were lining up like animals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, in California, first of all, we don't do that. Like, that's a southern thing, maybe. Not in LA. Nobody talks to people in LA. Like, it's just forbidden. It's against the rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking lie to people all the time. Now the driver, uhm, who drove me to the airport yesterday,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he did the whole thing where he, he looked in the rear view mirror as he was driving forward. The whole fucking time. Which to me, I panic, like bro, look at the road. I don't need to make eye contact with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, this whole not kind thing is, I'm polite?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where are you from? What's that like? Please, can we talk about, let's talk about anything else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, I can't. And I can't be polite, I can't answer things right. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean to tell me that after shows, now cause I hear stories from male comics who are like, dude I had a fucking, my set was so killer, I had a four way afterwards. I swear to God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, there's never been a set, and then some fucking whore afterwards is like, you wanna sext? And you're like, yea, give me your number, I love sexting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting. So you think that your onstage persona, your personality is so unlikable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I say what gives me the most diarrhea about an exchange like that? The amount of small talk that would have to ensue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm so uncomfortable in large groups too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never functioned with large groups of girlfriends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I will say though, that our audience is so wonderful in that, like, every time I work somewhere, the staff goes, God, you have the best crowds. You guys are the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're the best. And I would say that they're the type of people I actually probably would have a drink with like one on one. Generally when I meet mommies, I'm like, oh, like you're actually a normal human being. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's not about you. This person really fired up, they got real fired up against me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, are you saying on this comedy show, this not serious show, I sound stupid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so either. With diminished mental capacity, which you need some mental capacity to drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does a dog know that its consciousness is a dog consciousness? That it's separate from, that being human is different? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And come on, that's all, that's how you play the game. You have to find your workarounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then why am I saying? Can I say something? Cause it's always cause you don't let me. You move on. See like right now I'm talking to you and you're looking at the soundboard to look at the next thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, we watch Sesame Street and what does Cookie Monster learn? To listen with whole body. Whole body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's simple, it's not, it's not too complicated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, would you rather live in a courtyard Marriott?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like those, for those of you who don't know what that is, it's a Marriott that you can actually, like it has a kitchenette, bathroom, you know, like, kind of like living in a crummy apartment.