[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna see my panties? No, I can't show that. That's, that's embarrassing in private.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's in the fridge. You ate it. You had part of it this morning. Did you eat yogurt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, I'm wearing them right now. It's how I stay fresh. It's how I stay clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, don't you choose a saint name when you, when you, what is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Confirmed, you cho- you choose a Saint name. You know, your diff- your Catholic name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I love when that Chef YRD. Muah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how. Anyway, go ahead, James.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always liked it with your beard. I feel like, uhm, I feel like some people, I don't know, uhm, I don't know how to explain this. I just, I like it more with the beard. I like it more with the beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would agree. I feel like a burp has like multiple stages, and I feel like once it gets past the throat, that's when it kinda sounds like an actual burp. Look at this stupid conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Survival tip number one. If you're ever in a car accident, you're trapped inside your vehicle. You may even be underwater. You have no way to break the windows. Let me show you how. Undo your headrest. Push the button, pull out your headrest like this. Flip it over. You see these heart metal things? Smash your window. Get out of your car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome. That was a lady who, something went down her windpipe. I'll just leave it there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. Uh, it's a great day. Uhm, I spoke to Charo this morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was interesting. She told me about all the, uhm, the, uh, trips that she needs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coming up. She's like, I'm going to see you in August. And I go, let me talk to Christina. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Vegas, you're taking me to Vegas. And I was like, eeeeh. And then she goes, uh, and then, ehm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are we doing for Christmas? And I go, well, we have to go somewhere, uhm, the day after Christmas. And she was like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might not be here much longer. I go, you keep saying that and you keep disappointing us. Uhm, so then she's like, well, you know, I go, look, uh, I said, you can come for Christmas, but just know that we're leaving the 26th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The morning and all that means is you gotta leave the 26th in the morning. And she was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, well, you know, I have a surprise for you. And I haven't told her this yet. Uhm, and I can, I can say it here cause I'll be able to tell her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If she's gonna get lost there, you know, get lost with somebody you know. You know what I mean? So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's where JC used to kick it, so I figured she'd kinda like that, you know? Him and the boys used to get down. You can go to some of the clubs he used to go to, and uh, I figured she'd like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, by the way, you know what else she said? She goes, when I come back on your podcast, everybody's going to be impressed and they're not going to say that I look like Big Bird's mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should I try calling her? Want me to try calling her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The intro first? Okay, here we go. Hold on. Hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, let's see here, can I call this fucking broad? Hold on a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, we have a little trouble with the computer, so I'm going to try calling her on the phone here. Let's see if she answers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, uh, hold on, I'm looking for my phone. Hello? Is this Big Bird's mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I'm doing the, I'm doing the Pomcast right now, and I told everybody that when you come back here, you're going to blow everybody away. They're gonna be like, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, very excited. Everyone's really excited. Everyone I run into, they're like, hey, is your mom getting that filler? They're all excited about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, so I have a surprise. Okay, so here's the thing. You're gonna come to Austin in September instead of August.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we get back and then the kids start school. I think it's better to let them start school for a minute before everyone's visiting the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, passive, aggressive, perfect. Uhm, then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] November is, uhm, Thanksgiving and we're gonna go to visit you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, December, where are you right now? Are you, uh, at a bingo hall? What's going on? Oh, you're in line in Marshalls. Uhm, December, you can come, but you, you guys will have to depart the 26th, cause we do. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, it's inconvenient. And then the other thing is the, my surprise for you is I'm, I'm gonna send you and your brother Armando to Israel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so you guys will go in either September or October. I'm just getting the details now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well we talked about it, we talked about it when I was there. And then I haven't, don't call him yet because I haven't like, cleared the dates with him yet. So I'll tell him separately. But he, yeaah, he knows that this was part of the plan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nadav, who is also, um, Israeli, has a bunch of tips for you, for when you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, you know how you love to haggle and tell people that you're not going to pay full price?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. They love that. So you'll be good at that. You'll be good there on that. Uhm, you can haggle with all the people that are trying to sell you something. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, you're actually good at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scroll, scroll, scroll, hold on. Okay. Scroll. Tourist attractions. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Top 5 Catholic sites in Israel. Try that. That's what she's gonna want to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, Church of the Nativity, believed to be the birthplace of Jesus in Bethlehem. She's really gonna bang one out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just these five right here. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the Sea of Galilee, churches of Tabaha, all churches here are dedicated to Jesus' activities in this area. Do you just, can you just copy and paste and send this to me? And I'll be like, get ready for the trip of a lifetime. I actually would plan my death if I were her on this trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something like that. Yeaah, it wouldn't be to see religious stuff. It would be like, you know, uhm, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Enjoyable stuff, you know, going to see like one of my favorite strippers or, or, you know. Great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And eat an In-N-Out and be like, I'm ready to fucking go now. You know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With so much of our world digitized or automated, why stick to old school mailing and shipping? If you mail or ship often, let Stamps.com do the hard part for you. Simply print postage and shipping labels right from your home or office. It's ready to go in minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No long lines or complicated setup required for 25 years. Stamps.com has been indispensable for over 1 million businesses. With Stamps.com all you need is a computer and printer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They even send you a free scale so you'll have everything you need to get started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it through your Stamps.com dashboard. And if you sell products online, Stamps.com seamlessly connects


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sledgehammer, my latest Netflix special, premieres!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The 4th of July only on Netflix. Please spread the word, and if you're around on the 4th of July or that week,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give it a watch! Please, tell your friends, and uhm, thank you very much for, you know, blowing your fingers off, and then afterwards, while you're healing, in the emergency room, you can watch my special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so scroll to his image. Let's see what the guy looks like. Scroll in on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy ran for office, and we just got an email from his wife. It's Nicholas Pereira, People's Party of Canada candidate in New Brunswick. On the internet he's known as Nakula Das, YouTuber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dedicated to making sure his followers don't ejaculate. Oh, so he's got a YouTube channel. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The prayers videos are of the vlog variety, uh, typically addressed to his semen retention army.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a prompt salute to his soldiers, he offers teachings on his Instagram where he posts about techniques such as testicle breathing. Great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, testicles. Breathe deeply into your balls. Imagine your testicles expanding like lungs. And when you exhale, imagine your testicles deflating like your lungs would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I felt like a different sense of awareness of them, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't know if I can hold it for three months. He's coming once every three months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the thing, it's not a three month build up. It doesn't work like that, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The prostate gland produces the seminal fluid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For others, not fapping is a way to combat porn addiction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's really, it's really interesting that we've opened this chapter. I know!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I always thought we were only, um, you know, kind of up there with, uh, you know, this dude, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the, uh, what is it? Tom Surprise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] CP Supra, okay, here we go, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People who have pussies. This guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This angle of like, let me introduce you to a concept you don't know. When it's really just, I want, I want to eat your pussy cause you're special. And, and he's really just, this is just his angle to get laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course it's amazing, it's all full of shit. I know. Yeah. This guy's out of his mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's, there's no need to dress up what you're doing, what you're doing, sir. You can just say, I'm trying to get laid. And, uh, the angle that I've discovered is this slimy fucking swarmy weasely way of being like, you don't know this, but if you actually am a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, this guy, I mean, he just feels like anybody who is uhm, anybody who is asking for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To go down, and he's like, you're trying to sucker me into something, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I guess there's another pussy guy in here. This is a different pussy guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. Well, thank you for that fucking, um, insightful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I will switch it on you, and I know how to be dominant and make you feel like the little whore that you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They make you go to, uh, Sticks, I think it's called, the restaurant, like, like you want to eat, you come, you have dinner here, which is good, they have a good restaurant, you eat good food, and then they're like, now is the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Louis Lee is the owner of that club, and I asked him one time, it was like the second week I was working there, I was like, you know, what's weird man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I realized that I, I don't think I'm seeing you guys drop checks. How do you do that? And then they told me, they're like, oh no, we train the staff to give people checks depending on how they're drinking. So like if they're, if they still have like the first drink,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it's like 40 minutes in the show, we just slide the bill in at like 40 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if they're like ordering a bucket of beers or something, they're like, then we just wait till the end. So it's, it's staggered. It's not like, oh it's time, checks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens is they end up training the staff, but then they train the audience. So the audience goes like, oh, you come here to watch a show. You don't come here to fuck around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been using hostage tape for a while and I was so bothered by the obnoxious donkey sounds coming out of Christina's mouth that I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oxygen uptake giving you more energy because of nasal breathing. Nasal breathing is better for you. Increased nitric oxide production helps reduce inflammation and boosts the immune system. It can also reduce bad breath, tooth decay and dry mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop sleeping in separate bedrooms and save your relationship. Head to hostagetape.com slash mom for the one plus one equals three special offer. That's buy two, get a third free at hostage tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] dot com slash mom for life changing sleep and a 100% money back guarantee get a 90 day supply of hostage tape which equals just 55 cents a day at hostage tape dot com slash M O


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If like an audience member's like, I don't really like what this comic's saying. They're like, well, you know, you're entitled to that. And uhm, go ahead and smash that mallet louder if you want to. Oh wow. They don't give a fuck about what's going on on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he tried to, he wanted to fire, they wanted to like fire my middle on night one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, wait, what? And he's like, well, you know, he said this and then he was rude. I was like, they're fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the people in the audience, they're like, we don't like that. And then they turned around so that their back was to him. And I was like, what are you doing here, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt like it was, you know, going into that movie, I was, I was like, um, oh, you know, I'm excited to see this. I grew up with the Jackass guys and I was like, I wonder what it would be like to have the new faces of which you were one of the new faces on it. And, and it was like perfect. You guys, you guys, they carried that torch so well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the experience like when the movie came out though? Cause it was like, people loved the movie, like how did your personal life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go to the iTunes movies cause they'll have like just all new releases and you go through them and you're like, these all look like shit. These are all shit movies. Half of them, you're like, how do they get made? I don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Legit are probably good actors and are naturally that size. It would have been like, mm, it would have been cool to cast me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Rachel, a lot of dudes have different angles to get laid. I'm just wondering if you respect this guy's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See this right there also, I think even from a woman saying that just makes everyone's dick go brrrr. Yea, soft. Like nobody wants to be like, will you worship and heal me with our, and strengthen our connection with what? You wanna do like a retreat? No, I want you to eat my box. Yea. Okay, just say that. Where's the steps?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do, we do this though. This is like, he's doing this like, like every guy here is like, man, I never fucking even considered any of this before. It's like everybody already does this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is all standard. Hey, look at it, lick it up, say it tastes good. I like the way it looks. Like, where's the new stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eat her like you mean it? These are all- You know what this reminds me of? This reminds me of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just shows you too though, anyone who's actually like, feeling something or takes something away from his explanation, it's just the accent. Cause if he was speaking like me, like, hey, make sure you look at the pussy and then make sure you touch it and say that it tastes good and tell her that you like it. Everyone's gonna be like, yeah, no fucking shit, man. Like he's saying nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. By the way, I wanna play the pussy worship guy for all our mothers. We gotta see how they respond. We gotta see how- yeah. You're getting your mother involved too. Okay, here we go. Yes. She's Israeli, she'll like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was this Israeli guy that would drop off when our oldest was in kindergarten and he would come in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every time, like, if I drop off my kid today, I'm wearing this, tomorrow it's obviously, he always wore the same thing every day. Like a cartoon character. And the only reason that it's notable or worth saying is that he wore these grey sweatpants. And he had the biggest dick. And it was so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so obvious that, like, he knew what he was putting out there, and everybody else noticed, but you're also dropping your kid off at kindergarten. So all the kids are basically at eye level with his dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it would be the kind of thing where you would notice it and then you'd see another parent go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just because it's kindergarten. Yeah. Fucking so- Anywhere else, you'd have been like, whatever, but at kindergarten, you're like, uhm, don't you wanna- What are you saying, Nadav?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before we came in today on the drive in about, um, annoying people in our lives. Yeah. And, um, and some of the traits that we feel like they share. And one of them that really made me, well, I thought about somebody that we both know that does this every time we go out to eat. If we go out to eat with this person, when the waiter comes up, any restaurant that we're in with the menu, he'll go between the pasta, the steak,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the lamb. Which do you think, which would you get? And then, here's what makes me crazy, is first you're like, oh Jesus Christ, you're fucking 40 years old. And then that waiter, who A, isn't you, so you don't, I mean, you're just saying what's you, what do you like? Right. Then the waiter goes, definitely the lamb. And then this guy goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm gonna do the pasta. And you're like, so you don't even take the fucking suggestion here. But every time we go, he's like, you know, I was thinking about the pancakes or the omelet. How are the pancakes here? And they'll go, delicious. And he'll go, I'll take the omelet. And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then he goes, and how is that prepared?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know if this was frozen first? And then sometimes you can see their face, the servers are like, I'll go ask. And then he's like, thank you. Then they come back and they go, actually it's fresh. He's like, great. I'll have the other thing. And they're like, okay. Fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad would do that, he'd go, do you remember, uh, do you remember when you had your thing? And I'm like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you're a thing, I'm in college, and I'm sitting there like, what the fuck are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, when you're a freshman, I'm like, when I overdosed on drugs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he'll go, he'll go, yeah. And I go, yeah. And he goes, yeah, I'm just thinking about that. I'm like, you're just thinking about that? Why are you bringing it up? He's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, hey man, well, that was a fucking cool memory to bring up. Thank you. And then it's just like, you guys, you want to go to, uh, you guys want to go get some lunch? And you're like, nah, I don't fucking want to actually have lunch right now. Like, why are you bringing this up? I don't know. Why do they bring it up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. And they always, in their defense, like they always feel, it's self-imposed, but it's, so like, like after a show someone will be like, hey, uh, you know how you talked about when you went to the theme park? I got a funny one for you. And they should use it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you're like, uh, fuck. And then they start telling the story, and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what they think is that, that every, I think, well, it depends on how narcissistic, if they're super narcissistic, they go, everyone's a fucking idiot, right? If they're kind of sweet and beaten down, they just become like these loners with weird fucking hobbies in their life, and, and they just,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You give them a little attention and they go like, ah, and then you go, oh, this is like a, this one didn't get enough love. So it just depends on what type you're talking about, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long would you, if you're single in this scenario?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bad, bad personality. How long do you see him for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you feel like with each year that you live, you go, oh, now I realize that actually number goes down, down, down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I'm meaning like if right now you've met that same, like you're in the scenario of super hot guy, dud, you go, oh, I can't do this for long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like the, uhm, I don't know, the, the Jennys are actually like hard to connect with too, you know? The Jennys? That's the white girl. Yeah, the white, the, it's like white American with the more American household, you know. It's just, I'm used to a little craziness, like fucking Charo, you know, so. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have to show her that. Oh, we definitely have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, she'd be like, she doesn't use that word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would actually bet that my mother, and this is how crazy this is, I think that she, if you said something something pussy, she would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? The what? Like, not sure what that means. That's how removed from vulgarity she is. You know what I mean? Unless, like, one of my sisters has gone out of their way to explain it. Like, there's no way anyone in her world says pussy. Like a bridge?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She didn't know what blowjob meant a couple years ago, and she might have forgotten. She didn't know what, like, 69, like any of those things, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, since you were in Jackass, we have a segment that we call Horrible or Hilarious. Love it. And in Horrible or Hilarious, we actually, we play clips and you basically, all you have to do is tell us whether you think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are not- I've had a- I've had like a whole, like, gang of wasps get me before. What? What? When? In Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, probably 16, 17. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fucking horrible though. Like seeing, and seeing how he was clearly affected, and then even afterwards, like that was rough. I'm so glad I was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She sucks. That wasn't bad at all. It wasn't bad enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's our, where's our roof jumper with the rain boots? Oh, that was the best. Where's that guy? Is he in here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the same kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. Vibes. Yeah, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you mean YouTube has to know what it is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. So here's the secret, okay? She's not jerking off the horse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I swear. I want you to see it, but I'll wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's goofing around. Goofy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I was gonna say, have you ever like explored what kind of prices we're talking about here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause that guy's making like a playful video, like, la la la. My fingers are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this guy would laugh in the pushy worshipper's face and then do exactly what he was saying. Cause everybody does. You look at it, you lick it, you say it tastes good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that Jackass 4.5 is on Netflix, I don't have to go all the way to the theater to masturbate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely suck a fart out of a straw from your ass, then I would never breathe again. Or excuse me, breath again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gay, but I still would. That is kind of a great compliment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can my face be your toilet seat and my tongue be your toilet paper? Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is fun. Okay, well Wolfie DM is gonna go there. And then, uh, for tickets or shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when I went to China to buy clothes, uh, I was like, double XL, please. And they're like, uh-uh. I was like, what? And they're like, here, here's what you'll fit in. It's like a five or six XL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not saying. Brain. Brian. Brian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I saw it, I was like, oh cool, it looks like Tom's having a fun time. Very disturbing, it's like, these just look like, just so many extra layers of skin, like something went wrong during pregnancy, like just defects, just defects.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get comments all the time saying like, this is my favorite eyeball yet, but it looks like it hurts. Or like, doesn't that hurt? I'm gonna show you why it doesn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This thing is so shiny it's hard to even get my camera to focus on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With some of these silicone eye drops that my oculars gave me.


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[Assistant] What's up yogi, so me and Brian Creer just taught a really juicy anus workshop today and got a little bit into the prostate too.


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[Assistant] Uh, congratulations to Hilaria and the rest of the family, but also to the children you've had, and to the new ones, of course. Uhm, look, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's a lot, it's a lot of this, everyday, at lunch, a lot of shit talking, a lot of, hey who's smarter, and I mean everyone's kinda getting in on it, everyone, anytime anything comes up.


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[Assistant] I haven't smoked in 15 years. Well, it's episode 666 and I thought in honor of the greatest episode ever, I would dress goth.


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[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, I, I, I haven't done this makeup since I was 19 years old. Took me an hour.


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[Assistant] And I have to say, you know, the goth struggle is real. It's not easy doing this kind of makeup and I really feel like we should address those issues. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and with the exception of like one item I had to purchase, this is all in my, um, my repertoire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, this is like, uh, club attire. And then if I was like, uh, yeah, if I go out to dinner with my parents or something, I do this too. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the Suzy Sue look. I don't know if you know this, but there's different types of goth now. There's like neo goth, um, cyber goth. I go, I'm known as a traditional goth. This is my vibe. I'm trad goth. Yeah. I do like classic Suzy vibes. There I am.


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[Assistant] I believe this is the highest form of goth culture. I don't like the new stuff, personally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You know what's funny? I used to get hawned by black guys a lot. Really? When I dressed like this. Yeaah. Black guys love goth chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know dude, but I would be rocking this gear and like, first of all, I grew up around this neighborhood. And it's, this is so reminiscent of my life because this is the middle of summer and I would go full goth like this, like to the mall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeaah, black dudes just love this look. Really? They come, yeaah, talk to me all the time. I think they thought I was freaky. Right, oh there you go. It's like, this chick's gonna put out, like goth chicks do crazy stuff, but, I dunno.


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[Assistant] Well, so there's different types of goth chicks too. There are some very slutty ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, uh, latex is not porous, like I said.


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[Assistant] Especially during the industrial phase, like there's industrial music. That's what I used to like too. And those guys would wear like all the bondage gear and it's, it's gotta be stinky when you're dancing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean you wouldn't, would you want to bang me if we, like we're in high school, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You okay with that? Hey, this went out. Do parliaments go out a lot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one was kind of hard to say in a nightclub. Widow! And then I go by Pandora. This is before the music service. Different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like Crimson. That's kinda cool. Yeaah, cause it's like Christina, Crimson, Crimsonstina. And I like, um, Spider. Sometimes I go by Spider.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny is that goth people do a lot of, we did a lot of crystal meth back in the day, which is kind of ironic because you think this look is a bummer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe think about it, but podcasting in this whole world, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had to kind of punk rock it and DIY it and invent as we went along. And this studio really represents all the hard work and the ingenuity of Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes Nadav, when he could spell things correctly, Eni, Zolo, all the- all these people.


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[Assistant] Just going to my old haunts, and uhm, I've been enjoying it. I've really been enjoying it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I went to an alpaca farm with our kids in Montecito. Have you been so, it's so fancy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went to an alpaca farm, and this fucking Karen was giving us directions on like, you approach the alpacas and then you don't touch there. And I totally tuned it out. I was like, shut up, bitch, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or like it was an excursion where you can touch alpacas. I'm like they don't enjoy it. They're running from us, they're kicking us, they're spinning on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I told you the I'm Coming Everywhere World Tour was actually going to take place in places all over the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of them. Anytime they release a new one, I'm gonna get that one too, because they're just that amazing. We have them in every bedroom in the house. I have the luxury firm one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have the, that's their flagship model. I have the memory foam one, which they make from their line called loom and leaf. I have the solar that moves up and down and has a zero gravity setting and then vibrates if you want to just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't get that. You get a great top tier product from Saatva and you don't have to break the bank. Saatva. S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit. Get $200 off any mattress of your choice. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are back. Uh, welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. It's Jesus Christ Jane Zappi. I'm Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, uhm, you apologized, I think as you should have last week to your fans. I'm so devastated that- Let them down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rave reviews. Rave reviews. People love your special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. On our website. You could say in a lot of ways that your special got the stamp on its forehead, you know. So that's pretty cool. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna try to find the most expensive outfit I can find for my special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be like, no, it has to be this. And they'll be like, this is $75,000. I'll be like, so?


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[Assistant] Uh, that is, that is an astonishing amount of money.


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[Assistant] I try to tell now, and I mean, it took me a while to put it together too, but I try to tell young comics that are going to record or shoot something for the first time. I'm like, dude, spend the money on at least something nice. Yeah, it's going to be up there for a long time. You want it to look good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember when I used to do stand-up, uhm, just locally, this is like years before shooting anything, where I was like really embracing looking shitty. I'd be like, oh this shirt has a hole in it, I'll wear this. And one of my friends was like, you know, people are looking up at you on stage. Like, you should try to look nicer than them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so that they enjoy looking at you. You don't have to go that far with it, but you know, you should try to look decent. You're performing.


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[Assistant] It's not bad actually. It's not bad. I like that guy. I think it's a kind of interesting angle. A lot of times guys who say I'm looking for someone just like stare at the camera, at least put like some music. You know, he wrote a song, a short song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like watching. Yeah, uhm, but you know he's putting it out there.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I don't want to look at him though. See your tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something like that. Imma lay down here and watch you piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, Revenge of the Nerds. Revenge of the Nerds, yes. Uhm, which reminds me though, I don't think we've talked about on the show that not long ago you were stuck in an elevator. Yeah. Uhm. Yeah. And was that terrifying? It's wild. Or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a very interesting way of putting it. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I didn't try the open button. I tried keep it closed button.


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[Assistant] I always have that panic thought whenever I get an elevator in a hotel and I really have to piss or shit. I'm like, oh, if this stops right now.


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[Assistant] And I got about 30 seconds if this doesn't open. Oh Mike, imagine what would happen is the guy would shit and then everyone would puke. You know? And then you would wanna not puke, but you'd see and smell all the puke and then you'd start puking.


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[Assistant] Minutes. So I was like, that would not hold in an hour. That's why they make zanku chicken. It's to cleanse, cleanse your GI tract. That's why it's so healthy.


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[Assistant] I just thought it would be funny. And luckily you're on the first floor. Yea, I had made it. It's different than like if your elevator is stuck on 60 or something. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] And you're like, why don't we try to get back in this elevator and see if it gets stuck again? Would you have done that? No. What if you got stuck in the elevator with like, you know.


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[Assistant] Go for it. Don't lie. Go for it. I mean what they're gonna do, they're like, well we found these body parts, it looks like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda looks like his dick was stuck in her when they died. I mean, what am I gonna do?


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[Assistant] Sweaty sack summer is approaching and it's time for you to prioritize the comfort of your crotch. That's why the kings of crotch comfort


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Manscaped have spent two years designing the most comfortable boxer briefs out there. I've had the honor of testing out these new boxers and I can say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the softest fabric of any underwear. So breathable. It's like gills for your groin. They even trademarked the jewel pouch. So, you know, it's serious. I think it's time you invest in your family jewels. So let your bulge breathe and get 20% off plus free shipping by using the code mom at manscape.com buying the right


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The micromodal fabric is buttery soft and breathable, keeping your cucumber cool. Walk, run, strut, these moisture wicking boxers breathe without breaking a sweat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tagless waistband, that's a big deal, hugs your body without digging in and then it lays flat against your skin to reduce chafing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code mom at manscaped.com. That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code mom at manscaped.com. Once the Boxers 2.0 touch your sack, you'll never go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, this is pretty cool. Your story was cool, my story is way cooler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I was on a flight, and I don't know, flights always give me boners. Like they always give me boners. Okay, I always get worked up on flights. I don't know what it is. It's been like this for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what it is, but I'm sitting there on the flight and I'm fully aroused. And I'm like, man, I just go like, I've tried before. And I always go like, like, you know, I'm in the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This time I went back there. Cranked one out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this one was, you know, comfortable. It wasn't enormous, but it was a comfortable space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little dissimilar in that it is a little more comfortable. There's a window so you can look out at the clouds as you're jacking off. You're like, huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was keyed up, really keyed up. And by the way, I was elated afterwards.


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[Assistant] I was like, relieved and happy. I bet. Very cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. I think it was kind of like just an experience. Like urgent. It was urgent. Yea, I was backed up, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely more intense. Cause there's, you know, there's potentially somebody opening the door. And they can force open it, you know. They can? Well they can. Any commercial bathroom on a flight can be opened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see the flight attendants unlock it every time when a flight starts, you know, they'll lock it and then they'll unlock it.


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[Assistant] Yeah. So like, you know, jiggles and like, that's probably a rush for some people. Like that's what they're into. That's what the whole fun is. But to me that's not an assist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you mean if I get room service? No, I go to the table, the room service table.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I'm checking something. Is that okay? What?


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[Assistant] I gotta tell you, I prefer you to keep this to yourself.


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[Assistant] This is so revolting. What is wrong with you?


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[Assistant] Oh, you got it. By the way, I also found that I have the video of you getting rescued.


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, on your way to death, you guys can do it. That's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well let's say they send up like this really cool Dominican guy.


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[Assistant] And the tats. Yeaah. Oh, this is new.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Well, on the elevator, you don't have to worry about that because you're going to die pretty quickly. You know? Yeah. There's no commitment.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's the name of the porno? Yeah. Or your fantasy?


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[Assistant] Most people are probably not that horny in that situation, but some probably are.


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[Assistant] I remember, yeaah, I think because I was in one of the cities, uhm, I did not feel horny at all. I cried a lot.


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[Assistant] I think that I fucked, I probably fucked like two weeks later.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I went out and then, then it was like, it's like being in a war zone where like you saw the sunshine again. So you're like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, I did a couple times. How did you do it? What was your... I was introduced to somebody, but it wasn't a boar.


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[Assistant] Just, I don't mean my age, I mean appropriate.


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[Assistant] Definitely over 18. Are you out of your mind?


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[Assistant] I'm not saying that I'm like some super skilled guy, but I'm a pig enough where she'd be like,


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[Assistant] No, but they're not doing it like, correctly, yea, or with confidence, you know. Like, I'll be like, trust me, this feels good.


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[Assistant] Well I know, cause if I were, if I put myself in my 18 year old self. Oh my god. You put me like a 40 year old woman, same thing, I'd be like, what the fuck is happening right now? You know? Those, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, on that note, let's take a quick break. Oh, let me tell you this. Let me tell you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Columbus this Sunday the 29th, uh, we added a show, um, uh, in Columbus. So, uh, get tickets to that, thompsongrove.com slash tour. Also,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mentioned July 24th, I added a show at Ball Arena in Denver, Colorado. Again, TomSegura.com slash tour. Don't go to third party sites. Don't pay the fucking scalper fucking price. Get the regular tickets. Thank you. I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we are back and we are elated to welcome back our guest. The new album Sex, Drugs, and Country Music is available now. It's Wheeler Walker Jr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like Danny Brown. It's Danny Brown. Yeah, yeah. No, it's pretty cool, man. I, I, by the way, just, uh, I was shooting this thing a couple weeks ago. Oh, I didn't even talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a Garthquake in Baton Rouge. It measured on the Richter scale. I didn't know about the Garth. What's it, what's it? He had a concert and the noise was so loud that it registered as an earthquake.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, that's pretty cool man.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it fucking is, man. And I tell you what, those are the songs that I want to hear. That's why I showed this part. I was like, well, this is the kind of music that, you know, that I want to listen to. I don't want to hear about another, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, my heart broke the end of my truck. It's like, I want to hear about some real shit, like getting fucked up and eating pussy.


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[Assistant] I mean yeaah, it's fucking on top of it. It's good that Nadav's not here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, good talking to you buddy. Yeah, that's right on par. He's on some mission trip and he's like growing fucking cucumbers in his room right now.


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[Assistant] He's wrapping up his celebration of the crucifixion and he'll be back soon.


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[Assistant] Hold on, wait, is he really? Well, he's, he's embraced Christianity more. Now that we live in Texas. So he got here and people were like, you're a what? And then. I don't, do you think he embraced it or just like? I think he got kind of freaked out. He kind of, yeah. He's like, I think I'm gonna die when I'm here. So he, now he tells people his name is Patty instead of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Fancy like from Walker Hayes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, oh, by the way, the new album has, uh, you're right, Beaver Fever, Fucked by a Country Boy. She's a country music fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called the Garthaverse. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, you see this? He's uh, he's doing like some pretty positive stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think in the prompter it said, laugh from another video. And so he did it and then it was like, fuck it, just print it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey y'all, I'm just a regular guy, just like y'all.


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[Assistant] I think he lives outside. He has an outside Nashville. He's got a place in Oklahoma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's pretty cool. Yeah, I heard some pretty cool stories about him that I can't share.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. Yeaah, from somebody uhm, who's uh, very close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, not at all. Just about like, persona, no, just like personality, like, verification. Like, full personality. It was like verified about. How crazy? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't wanna, I can, I can share off mic, you know. Okay. Yeah. That's always good. That's what people like on podcast. They love it. Yeah. I know. Well, I just can't. I mean, I, I, I shouldn't have said anything, but yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kid Rock? Yeaah. I went to his place in Nashville. In Franklin, I guess it was. Outside of Nashville. He's fun though. He has a White House replica.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He builds a replica of the White House as his new home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From Jimmy John Subs. Is there actually a Jimmy John? Yea. I didn't know that. Yea yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm looking for tits. Yeah. Now, do you, uhm, cause I think we've talked before that your mother has come to a show and she's like, Jesus, like, I wish your language was like, you sing nicely. Why do you have to sing these kinds of songs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, after a show like that though, it's like, okay, you say nasty things, but this is pretty awesome, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would be so fucking depressed if I had, hey, you hear the new Wheeler album, and then it was like, this one's uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. This was actually all about chilies. He found his own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's so funny too when you hear, um, when you, before you know, when you see publicity, like you, you know, you, you're growing up, you walk through the airport or some grocery store and you see people on magazines, you're like, I guess this person is just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yours are fantastic. And it is still, you forget how easy it is to con- like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we always talk about like Netflix, Hulu, like all these streaming platforms and you forget that everyone can watch YouTube. And so like the, the probability that something catches on is so much higher when there's a something to watch on YouTube. YouTube is phenomenal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we screwed that up. Uhm, this is a, came to me, this is on a plane, let me see what this says, sorry. I don't know if I agree with what she did or not, I haven't seen this. By the way, can I add some?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's awesome. I never like, I didn't argue with anybody who was like, wear a mask on anything. But the silliest, I always felt so silly on a plane, they're like, you know, wear your mask, you're like, alright. And they're like, you can take it off if you want to eat or drink. And you're like, well then. Just eat the whole time, yeah. Well, you see people doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, all you see is absolute psychos on flights as far as clothing goes. People, I mean, the craziest is the cutoff shirt. You see, like not even like cut it back to like here. So full armpit is exposed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, when you were in Austin, you said, what happened in Austin? You were supposed to, didn't you say you were gonna see my boy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like Bert. Yeah, he did four hours with Bustin' with the Bull. But he canceled on me for a bus. Yeah, for a bus. And he was gonna do your podcast on his bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I was going to do his podcast. I know, but I'm saying it was going to be on his bus, you know? Yea. I mean. He left a bus to go sit on a bus. Yea, I mean, I think the respectful thing would have been to tell those guys, hey, I gotta wrap this up soon, I got this thing with Wheeler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuuuck. Shit, man. I hope he really comes- I'm wondering- he's gonna be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe if you, uh, stop going to the fucking bars so much. I've heard about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That happens. Also, it's like, I think it's kind of like, you kind of know which of your friends is kind of a loser. You know? Is there green? Oh yeah. I know. I'm like, this person has like real shit going on in their life right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it says Fred Armisen broke up over a swimming pool. I don't know if that means over a swimming pool incident or at the pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Anyway, you can't say like, well, he cracked my occipital plate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how you're like, so the person I like is just someone who reminds me the most of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really out, like he is an outgoing, fun dude. And I mean, it's kind of weird, I think because I'm a comedian, he's always like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does shit that like my uncle does. He'll be like, how funny is this? I mean, it'll be like an email chain with like some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know. Or trying to give you ideas? Well, it'll just be like, isn't that, he'll be like, can you use this in your act? Like, it's not how, like, this is just a fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or it'll be like a parody video, but like a cheaply made one. I'm like, yeah, you know. He's got like dad boner. He sends memes and stuff. Um, but he's a genuine dude. He's like a really, like for as iconically famous as he is, it's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He tucked his hair into that bucket hat, put the mask on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this is the clothes he wore in the new movie that I saw the trailer for. I'm like, I think he was like, can I keep this? And they're like, sure. Do we guys say no? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does it say in that thing that says sent home? What is that? To the left?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uh, I think we're just gonna live with the fact that it's a thing now for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are back. I peed. Uh, we have Wheeler Walker Jr. I peed next to you. You peed right next to me. That was rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking yeaah. It's a nice piece, man. Uhm, so what's the, uh, what's the song you're gonna write?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thumbs up. The, uh, I'm still, this sound, I mean, that was absolutely beautiful. You're playing and you're singing. I, um, I'm, this is how my brain still goes. I was watching your, your left hand and I'm like, how do you do that and sing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah. You're amazing. Yes. That was incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know also that Norm was uhm, I discovered this through Twitter. Because when he joined, I remember when he joined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'd been on Twitter for a while and he would go on these tweet rants about classic literature where like, you know, the first one you're like, is this a bit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, then you're a hundred tweets in, you're like, Jesus Christ. Like he had read every piece of classic literature. Really? And would go so deeply into it that he ended up, I want to say starting another Twitter page. So he's like, all right, I won't fucking bore the rest of you with this, I have another.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I don't fucking know. Yeah, he really, like so, I mean I'm not surprised, like you know, you're saying like he's this great fan of country music and I imagine it's like the poetry of it is probably what captivated him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And he was good? Yeaah. Yeaah, he was really, he was really good. Yeaah, he really, I mean, it's funny cause like, there's not many comics who you watch where you're like, that guy doesn't care if he gets this audience's approval.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, are you, do you still dig Nashville?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever he was doing worked, right? Because people, everyone knew his name and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so you're, yeah, being cute and then being like, the new album is fantastic. And like, so rich. So many. And then the person would be like, yeah, and then you associated Carson with uhm, you know, the biggest acts, right? That was like the place people would stop by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it looks like he's got another notable child who's John Nice. It's another kid. Uh, six overall NFL player. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this guy, to be, like to be drafted, and then be like, this didn't work out, I'm gonna be a fashion model.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just like, they, I mean I understand why when you're making television, but they just draw it out too long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That girl code guy, what was the one, what was that? Canon? Jersey Shore. Canon? Best show, best show. Where they talk shit, you know, slam each other. Wild N Out. Wild N Out. That was a big MTV show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to show this to Wheeler here, cause if you didn't see, we're still mourning Kevin Samuels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy ain't fucking around. Who's this guy? Kevin Samuels, he died. He died? He died. He seemed like a good dude. He was great! He was setting him straight. Nice guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Uh, you want to see some of your talks that you've done? Oh, I'd love to. You want to show them to Wheeler? Uh, Wheeler, I don't know if you're familiar with this or not, but Christina works really hard curating this segment for the show where she flags TikToks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Furries. I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Salmon roe? That guy is always eating like raw livers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's super jacked and he's like, liver. So what are we doing here? We're fucking around. We're being idiots. But why are we not doing this? The liver king. That's him. Yeah. The liver king. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If she, I think the ruckus was more than she expected, you know? Yeah. You know, that's exactly, you think you'd run a call for not expecting a ruckus. I mean, but I think that it's more than she could handle it live. Like the way to play it for sure would be to play


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also, what is this, what's the, the car, is it on like a flatbed truck or something? Like what, how did, yea it is, right? Is that what it's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit. That was fucking crazy. That was pretty crazy. Also, I think that these girls should include, um, photos and handles of their men so we know who not to send photos to. Yeah, we gotta know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he would. Okay, first of all, there are men who date you. You have men. I'm assuming these men make 25 to $35,000 a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You on the left there, you play for the titans or who you play for? Would he say shit like that? Well, he wouldn't, he wouldn't rag on someone who's not, he's, he was getting, he was getting solicited, sometimes unsolicited to the, like the greater masses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The people he would talk to were asking him. So they'd be like, I'm single and I want, he's like, and you want a man who makes like $304,000 a year? And he'd be like, what do you weigh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna be googling him. Oh, it's great. He's great. He would be like, uh, and he went out fucking. Yeah. He went out fucking. Yeah. He'd be like, you were, you make what? And you think you deserve like a, you think a woman who's like a 10 going to fuck with you? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or she's singing. She's singing. Yea, she's actually singing. I know that song. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is he from? Is that, is that west coast, west coast or east coast? I think this is midwest. I feel like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nail Origin Part 1. How about that video? You see that in the second row? Second row, second to the right? Heavy metal line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you scroll down back in that last page, is it all, like he's always got them on? But does he do anything? Like does he do, is there music?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will a city worker come and grab you outta there? Doesn't look like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way, right? No way. Here? Somebody would fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Antelope? Yeah, just carrying up a tree with his mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a great plan. Yeah, this is a great plan. I do love this. Yeah, this will work out for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, except that one could probably rip your fucking eyelids off if it wants to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't this how it started? Yea, pretty much, yea. Someone just playing around with one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woah, woah, woah. That was a video? That was a video. That's entertainment. Why don't you tell our listeners what they just missed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is crazy that only dudes like, well not only, cause you saw, I've seen some crazy chicks. Chicks do crazy shit, yeaah. This could have been what, horny Thursday or horny Saturday?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're doing your job, you're fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Wheeler, any uhm, upcoming dates? Anywhere people can see you live or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uh, people say there's levels to this shit and one of those levels is breakeven. Oh man, I never thought I'd get to breakeven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That has to be, like, you should ask for the details on that. It's gotta be insane. If you set the record there at the fucking alignment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean if I was at your show I'd be fucking drinking beers too. What else are you gonna do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really cool to be here. Uhm, well you heard it. Check out, check out all his stuff. I mean, there's four albums. They're all fucking killer. Uhm, there's great music videos. And uhm, yeaah. It's always a pleasure to see you. And we'll see you guys next time. Bye mommy. See ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I like them drawers, girl, you wearing, girl. Insistent. Yeaah, put it in my face. Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's cute. Okay. I like this one because of the color. How do you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's too big. And can I tell you what? Now that I see you wearing it, it's too big. You've lost a bunch of weight. This is who you used to be. So I think you're right on this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll take it right back. They'll even take away your old mattress for a nominal little feezy. So here's the deal. You're going to go to Sotva.com slash the shit to get $200 off your next Sotva purchase. Sotva. That's S-A-A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, you know what? It felt like a good day to day drink. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Punch it and fuck in. That's a good name for an album. You know what, uhm, did you ever date anybody who changed substantially when they got ripped?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kicked you? What bitch kicked you? I'll fucking kick her right in the head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So funny, Nadav and I during lunch were just talking about this, how, do you remember that time we were at Starbucks and I was carrying a bunch of coffees and I got into somebody else's car?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best. Have you ever gotten into somebody else's house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I've gone into the wrong home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lo, you're in Texas, everything's Christian and Jesus and Merry Christmas. You came at the fucking gas station, they're everywhere. Yeah. It is January though, the fact that that lady still had them up was a little... Cool. Well, that's right. All through spring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I do a full, like, this is cause of my days as a traumatized feature act on the road. Every time I get into a hotel room, I check the closets for rapists, the bathroom door, I check everything for rapists, and then I close it, I lock the door. And do not fucking disturb me, you bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want that shit clean. Don't even put the fucking room service in there. I tell them, I'm afraid of COVID, leave it outside. Cause I don't want to hear the presentation, you know, and they give you the whole presentation. Like here's your salad and here's the dressing and here's, I'm like, bitch, I know what I ordered. I don't want the whole fucking presentation. Get out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Commenting on the cool guy gallery. You guys, this, we haven't really addressed it a whole lot, but this set is still a work in progress. We just wanted to get in here and start using the space that has cost us how many millions of dollars at this point? 10? 20?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, eventually, the idea was the fireplace would glow and that you guys would get to sit with us around the fireplace and really discuss the important topics of the day. Uh, but you know, that's still not happening. But it's a lot of cool stuff here. It's a lot of cool stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're right, the painting made him a little... yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause if you look at the crackers on either side of him, they're drawn more like crackers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh, that's such a nice clip. All these gentlemen have contributed so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jimmy John's is a sandwich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you've got the uh, 10 to 12 banner drill guy. Ah yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joe, this is Joe, this is the kind of guy you get in, the crown molding. Man, these guys. And then of course Unkshine. And then Pig, Pig Summerton, Norton, Pig Norton Summerton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a cool step mom to have by the way. In terms of step, step parents? Or is this a step father? This person on the opening clip?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, if there was some guy giving him static in the real world, but not towards the family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that a lady though? Oh, sorry. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I can't understand if that's a man dressing as a lady and who smokes a lot. That's a woman? A full woman that just smokes a ton?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop. What are you talking about? Wait, but her chest has hair on it. What? Babe, that's not a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you saying her eyes look different? I mean, she's a really handsome woman, as you would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so fucked up? I was in a hosel room. And you know sometimes you just, you run around and you look like shit when you go down to the lobby? Like I put my hair back, I was wearing my cool mom onesie that I wear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for sure, and public some days when I'm probably just not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kept thinking about that when you're like, you're a handsome woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you really think of me as a handsome woman? Or do I still retain some feminine properties in my aging process with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make sweet love, face to face, everything, you go down on her, you do everything, she licks your peepee, all of it, with your new stepmom, up top, or this handsome lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to interview a man who's really into muscular women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that one on the right looks kinda normal, but then the one closest to us doesn't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm not sure what's happening, but do you like them? Her thighs are so meaty, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oof, you can see the breath, look at the muscle tissue on her chest and then the implant bag. You know what's crazy is for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, you know what's hilarious? See how her whole body is tan, like a turkey? Yeah. And then look at her vag, there's just like, it's normal color. It's like that one little area that's not fake tan. I think that's her clit, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, why get the implants? Why get the implants then if you don't want the fat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like the- I don't like the implants with the muscles on the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, can we show this on YouTube, this part at least? Yea, we're showing it. We are? This is ridiculous. I mean, what is the allure? So tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anybody watching, listening, what is the allure? Because right now you see that she's very muscular in her chest, right? So much so that the implants, she can move around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like the nails either. I don't like long nails. I think it doesn't do anything for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously, and it's a sport, and I get it, you're competing, but on the other hand, like you're clearly taking yourself out of the arena of a type of woman. Do you know what I mean? You're clearly ruining your chances of like attracting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't like it. I don't like it in men either though, those bodybuilders, you know, when they, I don't really, it does nothing for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like none of this, I don't find this stuff sexually attractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wouldn't want to either. Oh, that doesn't seem attractive. Look at the guy on the oldie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting. I don't know. It's a world I'm not familiar with, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just started it? I would be worried if you picked that up now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Regent Theater and the Netflix is a joke. Uh, uh, uh, you know, what's that called? Festival.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the Irvine improv, and then I do the Borgata in Atlantic City, New Jersey, and then the Wilbur in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Boston massive huge tits. Tickets are going fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, and here's another problem I have with big men, big bodybuilders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is the dumbest thought that you can have, probably, but because they're so jacked...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like the asymmetry of a jacked body. And then can you Google nude photos of competitive bodybuilders? I'm so curious to see if it looks like teeny tiny. Cause the statue of David, for instance. Whoa, that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got a big ol' body and then you've got a teeny little, just in proportion, like a normal size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see what I mean? Like the- Yea, that looks silly. It looks silly. You just know that naked it's gonna- And that's- Most guys, you know, it's normal to be- You're not gonna hang like you're a bucket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the symmetry is all off. So even if you have a normal sized dong, it's gonna look way tiny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause the Greeks did that, right? The athletes would perform or do the Olympics naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, that's what I expect their dogs to look like. That's what you want it to look like. Right. And it's not gonna. It's not possible. That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the upside, you get to see chicks naked. And the good looking ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Visually I want to see symmetry. I'm attracted to symmetry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This goes with this. Proportionate, yeaah. That which makes sense. I like that. But uhm, I like to see high and tight balls. I like high and tight balls. I'm not a fan of hanging. Big loose hangy balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can turn off the gay porn. Thanks, buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Policy genius. I love it because they've helped make shopping for insurance so much easier and less intimidating for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know they will for you too, because if someone relies on you for financial support, whether it's a child, aging parent, or even a business partner, you need life insurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Policy Genius team works for you, not the insurance company, so you can trust them to offer you unbiased help and advocate for you at every step until you're covered. Head to policygenius.com slash mom to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you can save.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've worked too hard for 20 years doing these shitbox clubs for years for you just to give away your nice stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said I was giving these away. I know, but I took them back. I couldn't, and listen, you know me and my communist upbringing, I cannot give away designer jackets to people. I just can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I am not. In fact, I pulled all the jackets and just hear me out. Don't hurt me, please. Hear me out. I want you to try them on and then let's go through them and then the boys, we can all vote as to whether or not you keep them or give them to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fat Pores. But for now, I want you to try them on. And let's just see how handsome you look, cause you look so nice, okay? I put them, they're in the box over there. Go get them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. And I'm sorry. And for that, I'm sorry. I'll send you some nice merch, maybe a triple XL Tom Segura shirt or an FGT RTD shirt or some socks. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry. I am so sorry. But listen, you guys, I cannot let him be wasteful like this anymore. It's time for you to start learning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever you take in you must be very conscious of, right? Remember we talked about this last week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be a hell yeah, yes I fucking love this, I'm gonna wear this, or no thanks, don't buy things that you're on the fence over. So I want you to give it a second look, and if it's not a hell yes, then it's a donate. But I just wanted you to go, some of these are so cute, just go in the box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, but it's in his best interest, right? Like, it's in his best interest. He can't just give these away to people. Don't you think, Nidah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look how cute he's gonna look. What? You're gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it, Tom. Oh, that's cute. Okay. I like this one because of the color, how do you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that one's way too fat. You don't need that. You know what? And also it's good to throw away clothes that you no longer fit into as you're losing weight, right? We don't want to go back there. I always get rid of my bigger sizes too when I go down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't keep, I don't keep my fat clothes. Okay, what's that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have, how much stuff do you have in your closet that still has tags on it? It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much shit do you do this to? That you just, you buy it and then it has a tag on it? That's crazy. That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Okay, I'll tell you right now though, this one's a little problematic, as they say, because it's got pockets on the tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard to pull off pockets on the tits. Ooh, that's cute. That's too small. We'll show the audience. Let's see. Model. No, that's too small. Forget about it. Okay, fat poor. You've got another shirt coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't you guys love this fashion show? But what do you guys think, right? He should get rid of that? Should we vote on that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then with the first two, yeaah. Yeaah, the blue two, right? It's too big for him, I don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, okay, you should celebrate. I like this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You used to wear this a lot. No, this is our redondo days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you dare throw that out. No, I like this one. This is reminding me of when I was pregnant with the boys. No, I like it. Oh, you're so cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But didn't you have this when we had Alice and stuff? Is this for Dondo? How old is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? That one was, that one you've had since you were like 20 years old. Don't you dare give that away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 21 years, yea. Oh my god. What are- Did I buy that fucking for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at, you guys are gonna die when you see this one. Who makes this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a nice jacket. Flip up the collar. God, that's cute on you. Oh, it looks big though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because I want you to be sure. That one you could keep, babe. That one you could keep, that's nice. Although it does look like a lesbian golfer jacket, kind of. Pockets are tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's nice. That one's cute on you. I like this one. Guys. It's adorable. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it's good for? What? Travel. Put stuff in the pocket. You put your phone in the pockets. It's got like a ring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it might be good for the road. Like traveling. What, what do you not like about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's not the reason, just because you feel like you should. I have to get rid of some stuff, and then you're just gonna arbitrarily throw out some friends, some sweet lovers that you don't like. So which ones do I get rid of then? I like this one, keep this one. That's useful!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good point. Is it a fuck yea? Then it's a no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a gorgeous fucking jacket. You know I love bro-bro. I mean, look how cute you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Versus the person you really are. Like this is the guy on some days you think you can be this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just like a black jacket guy. You're just like a grey shirt guy. You're pretty subdued.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, and I have to say, your lack of enthusiasm for trying on all of these items...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has convinced me that yes in fact you are ready to let them go. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just needed to see that you were done with them emotionally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You stop spending money on stupid shit? What? How do you feel in it? You feel flashier?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, go for it. Go for it. I just wanted to see them one last look. Make sure you're not gonna regret.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's important to refresh your closet. I do it often. Every season, you take the coats, for instance, in the summertime, you need the coats in your closet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to hear a cool story? Sure. A really nice story I read about Marilyn Manson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I should read it off my own phone maybe. This story blew me away, I forget where I was. And I was like, what dude? This motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I can't, I can't pull it. Okay, let's read it from here. So, Marilyn Manson, this isn't the Rolling Stone, Marilyn Manson, Marilyn Manson Monster Hiding in Plain Sight. This is wild. So, he basically, he rented a house, right, in West Hollywood, and there was this room in the front of the house


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was supposed to be used as a recording booth or something like to make music in. And instead, he would banish his girlfriends into this small room, keeping them inside for hours on end to punish them for the tiniest perceived transgressions. He called it the quote, bad girl's room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would joke about this in articles, like he would come out. This is all alleged, right? This is allegedly, this is in Rolling Stone. Uhm, jokes. He, he would talk about it all the time. Go down. If anyone's bad, I can lock them in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's soundproof. So these girls would scream. Here we go. He made it sound very punitive. Even if I was screaming, no one would hear me as she tells it. First you fight and he enjoys the struggle. I learned to not fight it because that was giving him what he wanted. I just went somewhere else in my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There were vaginas everywhere. Blood, swastikas, and clipped photos from porno mags. This is the best others recall. A spray painted message above his bed reading AIDS. The carpets, furniture, and decorations were black as were the curtains he used to blot the light out of every window nearly 24 hours a day. Here's my favorite part. The temperature was kept frigid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If anyone adjusted the thermostat above 65 degrees, Warner, that's his real name, allegedly threw temper tantrums and destroyed furniture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, sorry, I just had to share, I'm like chomping at the bit to share with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? I mean we knew the guy was a little off, but I just figured it was like a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would chase her around the apartment with an axe when she was quote, crowding him. Isn't that wild?


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[Assistant] And of course he is like, you know, his statement is like, well, yeah, I mean, this was all consensual with adults. You know, these are games that we would play and blah, blah, blah. But man, isn't that cool? It is very cool. So cool, huh?


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[Assistant] Right, but that's the thing is that he would talk about torturing women and stuff in articles all the time. He would talk about this, you know, in public. And you know, of course everybody's like,


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[Assistant] But the institution supported him and the record company is like, okay guys.


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[Assistant] So then it goes into his childhood, uhm, said he had an odd relationship with his mother, yeaah, no shit, and all that stuff.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Is this on TikTok? Is this just a regular? I don't know. Hmm. I don't know. Should be on TikTok. Should really do big things.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you know how much time it took to fart, stop the camera, vape, fart.


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[Assistant] I don't feel like the farts take away from her attractiveness at all.


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[Assistant] Annie, you're a man about town. Does this detract from her attractiveness for you at all?


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[Assistant] She's like a 10, right? 9, 10. Bro, she's hotter than most of the girls that do these types of videos. Okay?


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[Assistant] Yeah, she's gorgeous. So that's what I'm saying, like I feel like a girl this hot can get away with...


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[Assistant] Like what if a lady has to make brown at your house?


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[Assistant] But, and he doesn't burp or fart himself. You burp and fart constantly, so it's quite a double standard.


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[Assistant] It is gross, but you know what? I don't care. You know why I think you tolerate it more? Why? Because you grew up with a lot of girls. You have your cousins, you've got your crazy sisters, you-


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[Assistant] You're used to girls who are like pigs, you know? I went to an all-girls school, so I'm super piggy. It's just what happens.


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[Assistant] Yeah, when you put girls alone in catholic school, there's just, they're like dudes. It's the best.


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[Assistant] It was like this rad environment where we could just be ourselves and be free. And I loved it. Burped, farted. I remember when there's a year where everybody did sexual activities for the first time, you know? Like 10th grade is when, okay, like my sluttiest friend, she was 15 and she had sex with a 20 year old.


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[Assistant] Absolutely, so yeaah, so your horriest friend will tell you what to expect. So she really prided herself on being first.


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[Assistant] But she would tell us about all the stuff, and we were like, oh, it's so rad.


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[Assistant] And then whenever any one of us did our first time stuff, we'd all like announce it and high five each other. It was very sex positive as the kids say these days.


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[Assistant] You guys are all super tough. I love that.


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[Assistant] You know what's so funny is, uhm, Pamela Adlin on that show that she has that I love. Yea. What's it called? Google Pamela Adlin show. So I can give the right title because it's just that brilliant. I think it's doing its final season right now. She has with her, it's about her and her three daughters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Better things. Such a great show. Anyway, she's sitting in yoga class with her friend, this one scene, and the friend is like, oh my, my vag smells awful. And Pamela Adlin, she goes, mine smells like chicken soup. Yep, chicken soup. And I was like, gosh, if that isn't a better way to describe,


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[Assistant] Gwyneth Paltrow's a classy broad, I can't imagine why she would do that. It's like, really? Do you need the cash that badly?


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[Assistant] So, should I market my special that way? Like, hey guys, Tom Segura's balls. It smells like that. Yea. Christina P. Touch my camera through the fence.


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[Assistant] That's true. And for a woman to do that, especially a good looking woman, something's going on, right?


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[Assistant] Right? Like especially a young girl, you're trying to find a boyfriend?


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[Assistant] She turn it, yea. Like look at me, I'm a pig here, but when we make sweet marital love, you know, I'm not farting and ripping. Right?


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[Assistant] Because I can't- I hate bland food. I need flavors. I need spice, right?


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[Assistant] You know what was great though last night? Yeah? Is that you said it to me and at first I was like, bullshit. And then I was like, oh yeah, I made my Mediterranean garbanzo beans and smoked paprika and. It's true. Chili and eggplant. Yeah. It was a Mediterranean dish.


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[Assistant] Well then, but if you eat it with me, then we'll both have ethnic mouths together. You need slaves.


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[Assistant] I like flavors. I like flavor. I can't eat bland American. It makes me absolutely crazy. I can only do it for so long and then I need flavor. Look at you, finally drinking water, huh? Is that your first water of the day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got you. I got you. But I do like Korean Flavs a lot. I like Korean Flavor a lot too. No, you eat Korean Flavs in the end.


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[Assistant] Cause the thing is the, it's the garlic. Garlic and onion stays in your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If saving more and spending less is one of your top goals in 2022, why are you still paying insane amounts of money every month for wireless? Switching to Mint Mobile is the easiest way to save this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As the first company to sell premium wireless service online only, Mint Mobile lets you maximize your savings with plans starting at just $15 a month. Isn't that amazing? You should be saving your money. I love Mint Mobile because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the cell connection is extremely fast and you can save a ton of money by switching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Choose the amount of monthly data that's right for you and stop paying for data you never use.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free, go to mintmobile.com slash mom. That's mintmobile.com slash mom. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he land on it, did he snap his patellar tendon like you did?


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[Assistant] Gonorrhea? Yea. What is that? Joey's gonorrhea?


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[Assistant] I don't, I don't like that. That was gnarly. That's horrible. That looks like that hurts so bad. Yea, of course guys.


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[Assistant] That's what I have. That's what my teeth fucking look like without veneers. I don't like it.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I have nightmares a lot about losing my front teeth again, or losing the veneers, you know? Really? Oh, I hate it. Once this happens to you, it's like, constant fear, I think, that you're gonna lose your teeth again.


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[Assistant] Oof. I hate looking- Oh, I can see that. Cause it's happened. Cause it's happened. You're like, oh, it is the- when you knock your teeth out, it is the fucking worst feeling in the world. Cause you're like, oh my god, I'm never gonna look the same again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who knows if it's gonna look remotely normal and then the shock of like, like when I did it, I remember you look on the floor and your tooth is on the ground and you're like, uuuh, like it's your, ugh, it's the worst. I don't like this.


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[Assistant] I know I like this. This one made me laugh because this one's like


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[Assistant] Now that one's funny. Is that in America? Possibly. I don't think so. Yes? Yeah. Yeah, this is one way.


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[Assistant] Cause I picture you doing that and then I get sad. I don't like- I don't like when the s- like nice spousal people get hurt domestically. Like you're just- you're just trying to be married and do the right thing and-


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? You're not being a douchebag. You're not like, doing parkour in the fucking streets as a 20 year old. Like you're, you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. You shouldn't be getting hurt in the house.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he finally does it. And then this happens and she's cackling laughing?


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[Assistant] You know? Well some spouses are mean as shit like that.


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[Assistant] Listen, I send these in constantly, so I'm not sure. You don't know what's in the chamber really.


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[Assistant] Well, we've never heard somebody rail against the wind.


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[Assistant] Scribe what you saw in the audience. Don't just move on, I need you to process this. You must look into the heart of darkness.


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[Assistant] What part was the truth? He's not lying. The last part, right? Where he's like, I have lots of porn and I live with my mom.


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[Assistant] Wait a minute. The guy playing basketball who falls down, just trying to have a good time, that doesn't bum you out.


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[Assistant] I like your recap of this talk, but don't you find it odd that he has the audacity


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[Assistant] To look for a mate in this time, like maybe. Yeah, but he's desperate.


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[Assistant] I guess because when I was at the depths of my depression in life, which we've all had a few moments, the last thing I've ever, ever thought.


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[Assistant] Why? Because the rest was a lie and then he had to put in some truth.


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[Assistant] I, I didn't feel that sad, I thought it was pretty interesting. I don't know, I thought it was kinda cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How quick he goes back. Yeah, I agree. Just like Britney Spears, everybody's like, free Britney, like, mm, okay, let's see how long that goes. She'll be back in court.