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[Assistant] So you don't have to do them. Otherwise they're like blonde. If I take a picture, it looks like I have no eyebrows. Yeah. You're a natural blonde. Oh, right. Okay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, fuck off. I didn't think that was funny. I was like, uh, I almost deleted it. I was like, let me put it up.


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[Assistant] News people wanting to interview me, I'm like, no, like, that's fine, you know.


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[Assistant] I guess if you've never put on, like we put on lip stuff all the time. So you have a, but you're used to it. If you don't know, you just would do something weird like that.


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[Assistant] And dolphins are the only ones that mate for orgasms. They nut. Really? Just for fun? And monkeys.


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[Assistant] That's cute. I know, it's expresso. That's expresso, I love it. People make fun of me for saying expresso. Yeah, we do. It's not how you say it.


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[Assistant] No, I just started taping my mouth shut. I do that too. You just started then. I just started, you just start?


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[Assistant] I would not be surprised. I would not be surprised. I honestly think it's kind of cool. You've seen those people who like will buy an old church and just live in the church. I love that.


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[Assistant] Oh yes, um, I have a podcast called the viral podcast with my best friend, Paige Jan. We answer crazy, uh, caller questions and then I'm going on tour, man. Um, I'll be out for two months. You can get your tickets at eat my trash.com.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. Don't think I ain't peeking now. Got my eyes on that chocolate drop right there. Boom. There it is.


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[Assistant] Uhm, bruh, stop playing with me for a second.


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[Assistant] I knew I was going to prison and I was scared. I had no idea what to expect or how to prepare.


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[Assistant] It would be great if you could save up a little bit of money. I would say a hundred dollars minimum.


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[Assistant] Kind of just get it out of your head and think about it, you know, like it's just something I gotta do. And trust me, nobody is going to be looking at your...


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[Assistant] Satva mattress company. I've been talking about them for like a decade. Why? Because I freaking love them. I sleep every night on the Solair mattress. My favorite part is that it's got a nightlight like under the bed so when my kids sneak in and sleep with me, they don't stumble around.


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[Assistant] Uhm, they have their own mattresses from Saatva and our guests even sleep on a lumenleaf. That's how die hard I am. I love this company because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's, everything is made organic cotton in the US of A. There are no ridiculous fees, so you can get like a king-size mattress for a fraction of the cost of what other stores are trying to, you know, sell it to you. Cause they have to pay for salespeople and the overhead of real estate. Sofa doesn't deal with any of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they can give you a quality mattress for way less. So trot out right now, go to sotva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next Sotva purchase. Again, sotva.com slash the shit for $200 off.


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[Assistant] We're covering the whole gamut and I've already spoken with Agent Jeans. He's clearing our schedules.


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[Assistant] We're not asking you to trampoline, that's-


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[Assistant] Cause it's odd too, like this, this will be an extreme thing, right? That you're, you're working towards, but then after, you know, you don't have to wake up at 4 AM and run for the rest of your life, but you could calibrate these good habits. You know, maybe it's just 10,000 steps a day after this and maybe your diet gets cleaned up and you have long-term change, you know?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's, so don't think of it as like a lifetime of suffering. It's just a finite thing and then you, you know.


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[Assistant] So he's right, the pride of being goth is that you point out that other people aren't as goth as you are. It's so fucking immature and lame.


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[Assistant] That's right. Yep. That's right. He's 100% right. And I would smell that out and be like, that guy's a poser. Poser. Game's game. God, he knows everything. How does he know so much?


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[Assistant] Bird dogs. Have you heard of bird dogs? Well my husband's been rocking his bird dog shorts all summer and I have to say they look good.


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[Assistant] Bird dogs make you look good. Period. Bird dogs. Stretch khaki shorts are designed to fit slimmer through the thigh and leg giving you a truly sculpted look.


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[Assistant] Bird dog shorts do the exact same thing as Lululemon, but they fit way better. They look relaxed. It doesn't look like tight or restrictive and they're just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Husband's been rocking these in the summer. He says he loves the fabric. They look great on him. And I highly recommend all the wives buy your husband bird dogs.


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[Assistant] Go to birddogs.com slash mom or enter promo code mom for a free Yeti style tumbler with your order. Okay. That's birddogs.com slash mom or promo code mom for a free Yeti style tumbler. You won't want to take your bird dogs off. We promise you.


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[Assistant] Okay, but big goth chicks are also, no.


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[Assistant] The bigger gotchics. She's really something else. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I'm not looking. You're not looking? It's puke, babe. No, no, no, it's not. Yes it is.


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[Assistant] Well, he's not, he's gotta sell his anthology now, too.


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[Assistant] But I mean, he's really good, so I'm so excited to unbox my own shit. Tom, when you get your album of your hour, are you going to be super pumped to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. You're helping him get that, that nice Instagram audience, the digital age.


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[Assistant] He says he never goes in for the kill. I know what I look like. I've been 6'4 since I was 19.


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[Assistant] I know, but I also, don't you feel like Tom, that there's a level of communication that's vital and necessary, but then there's like over communication? Yeah. And I don't want to be telling him everything. Can you listen to me for a second? I'm listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also with your partner, there should be a level of unspoken...


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[Assistant] And like, I think he's right, like he probably is a great lover because he asks all these things, but I would be so fucking annoyed if he's like, do you like, you know, how about no? It's like, a masseuse that wants to know too much, like, just do it!


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[Assistant] Experiencing how that person is. Cause I'm like, that's who you're getting.


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[Assistant] Arnaudov is going to be running in the New York City Marathon in November.


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[Assistant] The fear is, I think, that he has to give up the existence he knows. Right. Which is, what, you go home, you go to Wingstop, you get- I haven't done Wingstop in a minute, babe. No, but it's- It's the pot and the- and the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're rewarding yourself for, yea, a long day, yea, yea, sure, sure. And that, that's the worst time to eat all that crap, cause then now you're laying down, it's gonna stick to your body. But you can eat these things, but just maybe for lunch, and then you can burn it off. Not, not as much as you're eating, but you can have a little bit of ramen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No responsibilities, no kids, no life, no wife. Right. He's still got his girl though, right? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he looked really good. He was very clear. I was like, do you want something? Do you want some alcohol or pot or something? And he's like, no, I'm trying to stay straight. I want to, I want to soak this all in.


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[Assistant] Tony, he's called me Christine for 17 years.


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[Assistant] Anthony Grinch-ish. Anthony Grinch-ish. Oh my god, can I tell you, you've been on this show, you're a friend of the show for so long. One of our favorite things is your father's restaurant. Yeah. Called


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[Assistant] This is what comedy was, like a decade ago. And now we have to do it, we have to lock up phones and build a club in Austin, Texas to have freedom of speech, like what the fuck.


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[Assistant] There's gotta be, especially on those three day weekends when all the drunks are out there. Oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] You know, I don't know if I understand bisexual men. I always think that's a label right before gay town. I don't buy it.


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[Assistant] Hey, bisexual men are cap, Eni.


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[Assistant] No, I don't think it's, but then again, he's so old that he's like, I'm still bisexual. Maybe he's still clinging to it. Maybe he is bisexual.


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[Assistant] Have you seen the cat that can say, Nicole, Nicole? And then there's one that's like, look, I'm gay. Cats are saying a lot of shit. They're saying wild shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aren't those the wait parking spots? The yellow. So maybe it is McDonald's. Chick-fil-A would never make you wait that long. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's adorable? I just went to In-N-Out last week and they teach their employees to speak Californian. So when you order, they go like, I'll have a number two animal style. They go, okay, right on.


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[Assistant] But hold on, who does this guy remind you of?


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[Assistant] But do you think that you would suffer, Kate, first, like lack of oxygen?


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[Assistant] This is my gift, Tony. I don't like this.


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[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips, dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch that one right here. Or maybe here. Maybe here. Maybe here. Ha ha ha ha. Maybe you should subscribe. That way every time a new video gets posted you'll be notified. Stay in the know jeans. Subscribe now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yet you have the audacity to call a podcast two bears, one cave. You're hardly a bear.


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[Assistant] I, I'll be honest with you, I thank you kids, thank you. Uhm, I was, uh, look, there's a number of things I want to talk about. Yeah. Uh, number one, where is Pszczycki? She's taken to Pszczycki, where is she?


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[Assistant] With you. I, for those at home that don't know, years ago I did a pilot for a TV show called Tonightly back when they were still giving


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they tried, uh, Jim Perattori was the gentleman's name. He had, he'd made, uh, the Ellen show. He had made, created TMZ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he had a track record and TMZ wanted a companion piece.


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[Assistant] And so he wanted to do a show that we wound up calling Tonightly, which was like, you know, just an interview show.


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[Assistant] Uh, what's her name? Uh, Chelsea. Yeah, Chelsea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuckin' after, we'd curse, right? Fuck yeah. I was like, where am I? Fuckin' blacks, right?


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[Assistant] This is insane, I mean I guess they can see it from, they can see this room, like the set, which is absolutely lovely, but for the viewer at home and the listener at home,


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[Assistant] Before you guys figured out how to, like, grab hold of your own fucking future. Yes, yeaah. Which is what I'm assuming happened here.


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[Assistant] Alright dude, now, don't gloss over that. No, but like, they all, they all. How does one get to that? It's one thing to be like, we record our podcasts and they, more people start coming to our show. You can't gloss over them.


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[Assistant] Comedy Dynamics. Yes. Uh, I know them. Okay. They did mine. They did the special that I did when I had my fucking heart attack and almost died. There you go. So. Uh, Brian.


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[Assistant] He's an amazing guy. He does, for those- He's done a million of these. For those that don't connect the dots too, like he's big in the world of comedy specials.


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[Assistant] But he's also the guy who brings us the toys that made us on Netflix.


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[Assistant] So you guys are doing your mom's house at the same time.


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[Assistant] You've been working with them because we reached out to them early on and like when I was doing podcasts in the beginning, I was like, podcasting is free. Then one day my business manager was like, you just got a server bill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, fuck man, I can't pay for this, but I want to keep podcasting. I was like, what can we do? I was like, remember that movie quiz show?


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[Assistant] Like, fuckin' Jaritol was the sponsor of 21. What if we got like one...


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[Assistant] Company to sponsor us and shit. And Moser was like, what, like Pampers? Or Wonder Bread? And I was like, no man, I remember...


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[Assistant] I remember like in Zack and Mary, after Zack and Mary came out, like I had made a fleshlight joke in the movie.


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[Assistant] And they sent me a letter going like, we were so flattered. They mentioned as if you ever want to do a fleshlight, reach out to us and stuff. And I was like, what if we reach out fleshlight and ask them to like be the sponsor of the fucking show? And so they were our sponsor for like two years. We sold so many fucking fleshlights. And then one day Joe called me up and he just started the podcast. I guess he was in the first 30 at that point. And he was like, what do you think about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use them as a sponsor. And I was like, yeah, it's a fuck toy, man. It's awesome. You can make a thousand jokes about it. Sure. It's content.


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[Assistant] And now he's a fucking billionaire. What have I done wrong? What do you mean? You're fucking Kevin Smith. I really, I'm sitting here reconsidering my entire fucking life going like...


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[Assistant] I was at podcasting, I was there in 2007, I was there, it was in the beginning, it was me, Leo Laporte, who did This Week in Tech, fucking Adam Curry, from MTV,


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[Assistant] And Ricky Gervais not really doing a podcast, but doing a radio show that they call the podcast. So I was there before, before Joe, before


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[Assistant] Adam before fucking Nerdist Marin. I watched everybody come in. I watched everybody get rich. And this was my thing. I thought I was so smart cause I was like, Oh.


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[Assistant] If I do these free podcasts, people listen to them, and they'll buy tickets when I go do shows in their cities. And that model made me feel like I cracked the fucking code. Cause they do.


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[Assistant] Fucking nuts. Well wait, what about, you have ads. We do do ads. Okay.


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[Assistant] So, about how many sh- and you have multiple podcasts. Yea, but-


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[Assistant] I, you know, I didn't figure out ads until like way later and stuff. And also I always co-host them with a bunch of people and I'm always like, oh, you take the money. I don't care.


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[Assistant] How many kids you got too? Did you say it's fucking stupid? Well, you know what is really stupid is touring money. What do you mean? That's really wonderful?


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[Assistant] I see, alright, I'm on a tour right now, right? And I have been since September. I got a movie, Clerks 3. I learned early on that uhm,


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[Assistant] You know, I can just fill a fucking room, right? So, and the podcast helps.


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[Assistant] But, you know, I realized early on too, like, oh, they'll pay 50 bucks to come see me just talk about making movies. What if I bring a movie?


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[Assistant] And then all that money goes to the movie instead. So on this tour, like I'm doing 52.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dates. What? 52 dates. Where you'll screen the film. I get up, I intro, screen the flick, and then do a Q&A afterwards that's longer than the movie.


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[Assistant] Yeah, easily. It's like a four hour night. And then five if you include the VIP because there are a hundred people every night do VIP and we take pictures and shit.


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[Assistant] Like, there's a re- people are like, you're everywhere. It ain't because, like, I like myself, it's because I'm hustlin'. Like, I don't have- I don't have this fuckin'-


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[Assistant] I don't have your mom's house fucking money that you guys are just wasting on fake fireplaces.


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[Assistant] Unbelievable. You should see the park- kids, the parking.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so I go on tour and I, in this tour,


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[Assistant] I will split the money four ways with people who aren't even on the tour.


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[Assistant] Who are they? Uhm, the boys who make up the cast. Brian O'Haller and Jeff Anderson.


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[Assistant] Bingo. So in that instance, it's fucking copacetic.


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[Assistant] Generally, like, yes, touring money is fucking amazing. But I keep wanting to tour the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you try to pack it with as many potential distributors, exhibitors, whoever can help it move the needle forward. Uhm, hopefully somebody to buy it.


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[Assistant] So I read an article about Richard Link later having done that with Slacker and Slacker was the movie that I saw.


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[Assistant] Shot right here in Austin, Texas. Uh, spiritual home to my filmmaking career because Slacker was made here. I went and saw Richard Linklater Slacker at the Angelica Film Center and I viewed it with a mixture of awe and arrogance. Awe because I was like, I've never seen anything like this before. Arrogance because I was like, if this counts as a movie,


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[Assistant] I think I could make a movie too. Having no experience or anything like that. So.


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[Assistant] When I make the flick, the only plan I have is not Sundance, cause that's where...


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[Assistant] Movies in color with movie stars go. The most famous Sundance movie at that point was Sex, Lies, and Videotape. It was shot in color and had Andy McDowell in it. So that festival was never in the cards for me, although that would be the festival that would change my life.


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[Assistant] I was just going to this marketplace, uh, because that's what Richard Link later did. So the first screening we had was on October 3rd at 11 AM, 1993.


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[Assistant] Me and Scott Moser, my producer had gone to a bunch of other screenings during the week and they're all fucking packed. I mean, we sat on the floor to watch this movie, The Making Of In God Spoke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a movie called Clean Shavin' by Lodge Kerrigan, which was a real festival hit. That was fuckin' packed.


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[Assistant] So we thought our screening is going to be packed. The whole time I was like, they must know the clerk's quality because they put us on Sunday at 11 a.m. After everything's fucking done, man, the day off, that's gotta be a prime spot. Turns out it's the absolute worst spot. Nobody goes to the IFFM on a fucking Sunday. So our screening was me, Scott Moser, my producer, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brian, Jeff, Marilyn, Lisa who were in the movie. My friend Ed, Dave Klein who shot the movie.


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[Assistant] Kristen Moser, Scott's sister, and that was about it. Basically people that worked on the movie.


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[Assistant] And two, two other people. There's one, well here, let me.


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[Assistant] There's two people, there's a couple, then there's a man by himself sitting up in the front row, and then there was a lady who I didn't see where she was sitting, but she's who I dealt with after the screening. When I go into that screening, I'm expecting full house. When I walk in and see nobody,


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[Assistant] That is the end of my future. Like you know, at this point,


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[Assistant] I'm cruising on the volition of passion, getting clerks made, and I have no money, I come from a poor family and shit like that, still spitting glue, pulling it together and whatnot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this was meant to be the place where it's like BAM. This is where it happens. You graduate and all your dreams come true. And I walked into that screening and had to sit there for the first 15 minutes watching this movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And judging it for the first time, I'm like, Oh my God, it looks like it was shot through a fucking glass of milk. It's so fucking murky. And like, also why does everyone keep cursing?


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[Assistant] Like everyone keeps cursing. It's just so fucking unbelievable. I thought that I could pull this off. Uhm, I was like, I'm gonna be in debt for the rest of my fucking life. This is the worst fucking idea. About 15 minutes into the screening, I was able to cognitively reframe it, where I was like, you know what?


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[Assistant] If you went to NYU film school, it would have been 40 grand for one year. You only spent 27 grand, you know how to make a movie now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So is money. Yes, that sucks, but you got a job. You just have to get another job and you pay it off because I put it all on credit cards and shit. I was like, and make sure you do that. And then when you pay it off, you have to promise.


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[Assistant] That you'll do this one more time before you die because you


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[Assistant] Scott Moser talked to some guy, an older man who had a badge that didn't indicate he was from New Line or Miramax or whatever. I was pulled aside by this girl who goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very like New York. Downtown New York. She's like, you made this movie? I was like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, you know people like the people in this movie? And I was one of them, and surrounded by them in the cast. And I was like, uhm, I guess a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, I have this theory that all the Nazis who ever died are reincarnated and that's what populates New Jersey. Whoa. And I was like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, alright, and she goes, well I guess I'll give you my headshot. And she gave me her fucking headshot. That was the first reaction that I had to fucking clerk. That's memorable. Scott Mosier talked to Bob Hawke who was like, you should submit this to Sunday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, I work with Sundance. This is a total Sundance movie. You should think about submitting to Sundance. But we didn't know who he was and what he mattered to Sundance. So it was just sounding like an old guy saying, you should do a thing. And I'm fucking walking away. So that whole day, there was a good 24 hours of me going,


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[Assistant] I made this thing and I didn't consider the consequences until now.


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[Assistant] And here are the consequences, like the road is dead and nothing's gonna happen.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna watch this movie once a year on a VHS copy just to remember the worst decision I ever fucking made and shit. And then the next morning, I got a phone call from this woman named Amy Talbott.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who wrote for the Village Voice and I had her article that was framed on my wall and it was about Richard Linklater and how he had played at the Angelica at the IFFM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she calls up and she's like, I'm looking for Kevin Smith. I was like, who's this? And she says, Amy Taubman. I was like, come on, man, don't fucking do this to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said, what are you talking about? I said, who told you to call Brian Johnson? Somebody put you up to this. I thought it was one of my friends making her make a prank phone call and shit. Cause I was like, who else would know the exact fucking name that would make me make me go like, what? I thought they were trying to pull one over on me. And she was like, this is so disturbing. I've never had somebody debate me on who I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was like, I was like, you're really Amy Taubman. She goes, yeah, I called the number in the catalog in the IFM catalog. Your father answered, um, cause it was my home phone number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, oh, this is going to be the easiest interview you've ever done. I was like, this is going to be the first interview I've ever done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was like, I want to talk to you about the movie, can you get me a copy? I heard it was the undiscovered gem of the marketplace. There was a call that came five minutes after that. There was a guy named Larry Cartish who ran new directors, new films, which is the sister film festival to the New York film festival.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, I hear this movie is a movie that I must see. And I was like, who told you this? He's like, I'm not at liberty to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy programmed the movie, we played it, new directors, new films, and they program a short before your film. And the short also has to be a first time feature, first short film. So Clerks had a short that played before it that was called Ice Cream. Do you know who directed it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was also the same screening slot. That was the first time I ever saw him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the third call I got was the, uh, was, uh, Peter Broderick who wrote for Filmmaker Magazine. He'd written an article that we use. Cause people didn't tell their budgets back then. Wasn't like the internet where you could find anything out. There was no fucking internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So nobody talked about their budgets. You didn't know how much a fucking thing cost. Because everybody then wanted to sell their movie for more, so they didn't want to tell you how much it cost. So it's tough to get information. Filmmaker had published an article on three movies and their budgets. The Laws of Gravity by Nick Gomez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Greg Araki's The Living End and a movie called Together Alone, the director of which I always forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It broke down what everything costs. That was useful information. For the first time it was like, okay, renting a camera should cost roughly this. Film stock should cost roughly this. This was all information that wasn't readily available.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The difference between making a thing and not making a thing.


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[Assistant] YouTube would have happened and fucking everybody can make a fucking thing. But this was back when you were like, we gotta rent a 16mm camera in order to make a movie. Yea, how do we do this?


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[Assistant] So in the beginning it was very like, you know, the first screening of the movie was a disaster, but within 24 hours of that first screening.


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[Assistant] All these calls started happening. That guy, Peter Broderick, he called up to be like, I want to use your movie in this year's piece.


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[Assistant] In the magazine, the same piece that we used to budget our movie and I was like, who told you about this movie? Nobody was there.


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[Assistant] Sundance. You see it post Sundance, probably 94, 95.


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[Assistant] Your world has changed at that point, right? Yes and no. I'm the flavor of what I thought would be the month, but it was definitely a fucking year of people being like, hey, this fucking movie.


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[Assistant] Movie travel from January 94 went to a bunch of festivals and then came out theatrically in October of 94.


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[Assistant] So I enjoyed almost a full year of the festival circuit and stuff.


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[Assistant] When the movie came out, it was a true arthouse movie, only played in the cities. Opened in New York and LA.


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[Assistant] Maul Rats. And like we had a screening of Maul Rats at San Diego Comic Con 1995 and Jay and Silent Bob came out on screen and the audience went nuts.


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[Assistant] And I was like, how the fuck did they know? And it was because Clerks was on home video by that point. So enough people were like, oh I know those fucking guys from the other movie. And that's a feeling I've been chasing ever since. Like every night we go out on this tour, there's seven


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[Assistant] Stops left, right? I got a show here tonight. Then I go to some other fucking test San Antonio. Then I go to


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[Assistant] Uh, Phoenix in a week, and then Boston and Hartford, then we're done. So, 52, right now it's been 49 or 48 times that we've shown the fucking flick. Every night, it's like going to a church.


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[Assistant] Jerry-rigged, racially insensitive. I don't, let's go for it. So jerry-rigged.


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[Assistant] It's a very jerry-rigged system. Like I realized early on that the game is too expensive. You know, I'm a guy that makes movies very inexpensively.


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[Assistant] Uhm, marketing costs 20 million. Doesn't matter if your movie costs 100,000 or 100 million, minimum marketing of a movie getting into theaters is 20 million bucks. When your guy is like struggling to keep the budget down for 5 million,


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[Assistant] Then they just throw 20 million on marketing. It's just repugnant. You're like...


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[Assistant] Fucking disgusting, I could have used that money to make a better movie, pay people, all these people that I'm like, please do it for nothing. I could have a facility that looks like this fucking place.


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[Assistant] And they still give you all this money? Yea, dude. What? Who is your agent? And can that agent be my agent? Yes. Who is your agent? Which one? You got that many? Yea, I got a few. Smart guys got a lot of agents.


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[Assistant] I pay for the whole thing! 1.2 million? Yes! You just told that story in public? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Like where you're like, oh I accidentally paid 1.2 million for a thing out of pocket change. How fucking rich are you guys?


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[Assistant] I uhm, I'm a pretty emotional guy.


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[Assistant] Uh, always have been, hard on the sleeve kind of guy. Post heart attack, even more so.


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[Assistant] I'm trying to stay alive. Body, body got smart. My heart got cute with me and I had to fucking smack it.


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[Assistant] I walk a lot and I've, I've, I've went vegan and I've...


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[Assistant] Uhm, like I remember at one point, I was like, I weigh my area code, which is 323, and then I gained a little more weight. So my biggest was 330, and now I'm 190 right now? Wow.


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[Assistant] Which is my absolute adult thinness. That's kinda what I weighed like when I graduated high school. I mean, you look great.


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[Assistant] I was kinda hoping to show it off to Christina P because if I could take her away, I'd get half of this.


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[Assistant] Post heart attack I got even softer. I've always been a soft boy. Sure. You a soft boy or you a hard guy? No, no, I'm very soft.


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[Assistant] I love it. I'm big into Prime, man. I think it's cathartic and fuckin', like, especially if it's for good reason.


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[Assistant] I've cried throughout my life for horrible fucking reasons, and it's terrible, but like when you're watching a movie and it's like, oh, and there's a moment in Black Panther in the end credits sequence.


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[Assistant] I mean a lot of it's emotional because Chadwick Boseman died and shit and that's woven into the story. And so there's a moment in like, you know, they do their mid credit, uh, sequence, you know, where they have like a little scene like thing.


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[Assistant] And it was crazy powerful. So good. And so emotionally, uhm, satisfying.


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[Assistant] That they could have literally just put that scene out as the whole movie charged me double of what they're charging right now. And I would have been like, that was the best fucking picture I saw. You end a movie right? Don't matter what the fuck you did in the first hour. You could fuck up left and right, man. As long as you stick the landing, you'll always win people. So, I uhm, a long time ago,


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[Assistant] Started taking pictures of myself when I'm crying and posting them.


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[Assistant] Uhm, there's a reason I'll get to it. So I did it once, and uhm, a lot of people responded very positively to it. Some people were very unnerved.


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[Assistant] Like, you're a grown man, what are you doing? I think I cried like Captain Marvel or some shit. Like, what is this all about? Maybe you're smoking too much weed, shit like that.


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[Assistant] So, it's kind of a tradition, I do it all the time, and it's become so stereotypical that like,


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[Assistant] I posted a picture the other day from Wakanda Forever.


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[Assistant] Some tweet was just like, this has to be a Kevin Smith parody account, because this is too on point to even be Kevin Smith, but it was Kevin Smith.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and look what I wrote, man. Just saw Black Panther. Uhm, Jesus, that mid-credit scene, worth the price of admission alone.


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[Assistant] Fuck this noise, you can't put up a simple fucking like, hey man I like this movie and I gotta cry.


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[Assistant] Now, it's one thing, I saw two factions. Some people going like, let him alone, he wants to cry at a movie. And then some people being like, look, if he wants to cry at a movie, that's fine. Why the fuck is he taking a picture of it and posting it online? So, here's an answer. And one I didn't fucking put online and shit because for the longest time I was like, fuck everybody, I don't deserve a fucking response or an explanation.


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[Assistant] Tell us. Here it is. First time I've ever posted a picture of myself crying.


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[Assistant] Oh again, I went to the next Comic Con I was at, a kid came up to me and was like, I love that picture you put up of yourself crying. I was like, oh my god, I'm a little embarrassed I did it. He's like, don't be. He's gone, I cry at movies, I get beat the shit out of by my friends. He's gone, I put up that picture, I showed my friends that you fucking do it too. I get beat up a little bit fucking less. He's gone, but you wouldn't want to be around them, they'll probably beat the shit out of you next.


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[Assistant] And he was like, you made life easier. At that point, I was like, if I can fucking, if that picture makes a motherfucker's life easier, it's worth the hits. Like it's worth fucking a bunch of people saying some shit. And I know for a fact it does. Like the response is very positive. There are a lot of people like, I feel the same fucking way, but there are,


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[Assistant] An unfathomable amount of just fucking cold people who are like, not comfortable.


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[Assistant] With their own emotions. It's not good, man. It's not good for them. It really isn't. I feel bad, honestly. I know they feel bad for me. They're like, you're a fuck- There's some chick named That Star Wars Girl or something like that. And she wrote this fucking screen. She was like, you're always doing this. And she ended with, be a man! And I was like, what the fuck? I've been struggling my whole life not to be a man.


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[Assistant] Who didn't fucking cry. No. Although my cry, my father cried. That's why I can cry at shit, man. Cause my father used to take me to the movies all the time. He would cry? He would cry. He'd cry. First time I ever saw my father cry was in a movie theater.


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[Assistant] At a certain point I was getting ready to like ask my dad for like money to go play a video game in the lobby. And I look over and he's not just, he's not rolling a dignified tear. My father is sobbing. The movie like grabs him so emotionally and shit like that. And he's like roiling. His body is moving from crying. And I've been to funerals with my old man. I watched him bury his parents.


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[Assistant] And I never saw him fucking so much as a volunteer. And there he was like fucking just...


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[Assistant] Crying at some made up fake pretend bullshit. That left a seed in me early on man, where I leaned more toward the make pretend than the fucking arts. And if something can make you fucking feel... I want that.


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[Assistant] What'd you think? You like the comedy? You like going out and being funny and shit? Is that your jam? Is that what does it for you? Like that's what gets you off other than like being married and shit? Like being on a stage making motherfuckers laugh? How long you been doing it? Stand up 20 years. But how long you been doing it? How long you been making fuckers laugh? Since you were a kid?


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[Assistant] Uuuh. At his house? To kind of like, patch things up? Yeah. It was so terrible.


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[Assistant] Have you ever done a show in Minneapolis and have you ever run into a kid that fucking hit you?


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[Assistant] Also like the more like powerful and popular you guys got, then you could be like, like in the early days, it'd be like, hey man, we're lucky to get a kid. We need help to sell the thing.


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[Assistant] Did you ever figure out what your, like did you need a theme? Remember they were like, what's the theme?


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[Assistant] You didn't do any, like, drive-in shows? I did a couple, but not a lot. Did you go to the, what was it, the improv in, uh,


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[Assistant] Well, I forget where it was. Oh, you guys have been out here. Were you out here for the pandemic? No, well. Were you in LA? We were in LA. So there's that, the Irvine Improv, they were doing like an outdoor parking deck.


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[Assistant] George Carlin, right? He said in his book where he said also like an interview is like this job


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[Assistant] How cra- was it awesome for you to work with him? Like- Amazing. He was, you know, he was everything you wanted to be plus more. You know what, you remind me, and I ain't just saying this cause like, fucking, I'm on your show or whatever, but you remind me of him in as much as-


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[Assistant] He was a comic that didn't feel the need to make you laugh.


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[Assistant] He wasn't on all the time. Oh, definitely not. Not at all. You could have conversations with him. So you could just sit there, like he would have fucking flourished in the age of the podcast.


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[Assistant] He gave me Carlin albums when I was a kid. That was like the version of like, you can handle this beer. He gave me like a class clown. He was like, do not let your mother hear you listen to this. Listen to it with headphones on and shit. And Carlin just made me smarter as a kid. You know, if you're listening to Carlin,


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[Assistant] You, you're introduced to concepts and language that are above your depth.


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[Assistant] And you have to, if you want to keep up, you have to look up things and become smarter. You know, so that also fostered.


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[Assistant] Probably more intelligence I would have had if I didn't listen to Carlin. So, and then also me, like, I didn't want to, like,


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[Assistant] I didn't think about being on stage. Like that wasn't in my cards. That happened because


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[Assistant] When you bring a movie to a festival afterwards, you gotta get up and do Q&A.


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[Assistant] Coming across erudite. I'd only ever made one movie so I couldn't hold forth on like film theory.


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[Assistant] But what I could do is tell entertaining stories about how we made the movie.


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[Assistant] Let me tell you how we got the cat to shit on cue, you know, and fucking work it essentially like a little stand up bit, you know, tell anecdotes.


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[Assistant] And that, that I learned from George, like not from George at his knee, just watching George growing up, a lot of standups, but mostly he was my favorite. And the idea was if somebody's going to put a microphone in your hand, like don't fucking be staid.


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[Assistant] Make them laugh. Like you got a chance to entertain them and stuff like that. They'll remember you more.


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[Assistant] If you tell them like how you got the catch of shit on cue, then if you talk about your film theory and why you shot the aspect ratio you did and stuff. Oh yeaah. Because I'm like, I'm brand new with the thing. So because of that, like I wound up


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[Assistant] He didn't know that he gave me or all I took from him from his example. Like as a young kid, I remember watching


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[Assistant] Carl into Carnegie and being like, wouldn't that be amazing? Like to, to grow up and be smart and curse all you want.


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[Assistant] Like, and he sounded intelligent even when he was cursing my parents who hated cursing.


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[Assistant] Let him curse on HBO. They didn't like turn it down. They'd laugh along. They were into it. Him, they respected. So how do you pay that guy back?


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[Assistant] You give him the only thing he ever wanted. He loved to act. He loved it. So I'd call him up and be like, yeah, let's do it. And he'd come fucking play and he treated it so seriously, man. He, I've told the stories the only times we were doing Jersey Girl and we're in rehearsals, right?


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[Assistant] It's just me and him and Ben Affleck and Ben's pouring some morning coffee and George is like flattening his script and he's just like, Kevin, I have a question for you. Who's the author of this piece? And I was like, okay. And he goes, uh, the, the character greenie that I'm always given shit to as Steven Root played this character greenie.


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[Assistant] He's like, I'm always stepping on his dick and up his ass and it makes no sense. He doesn't, he's his sweet guy. And I, he's never done anything in the movie to warrant this kind of treatment. So I was always bumping into it. But, last night, I figured it out. I wrote a backstory for my character.


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[Assistant] I figured out why I'm always irritated with Greeny. It has something to do with a girl that we got a mutual hand job from back in high school. He's going, so I wrote 18 pages of backstory.


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[Assistant] And I was like 18, he goes, don't you worry about it, I've already memorized it, I've thrown it out, I will never reference it in the dialogue, but just know that whenever Greeny's giving me, I'm giving Greeny shit, this is the memory that I'm pulling from. And I turned to fucking Affleck, I was like, why can't you be this fucking good?


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[Assistant] He was, he was method. He believed in the craft. He believed in the lie that tells the truth. Like he loved acting and if he'd had his druthers...


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[Assistant] That's what he would have done. He backed into being one of the greatest standups of all time.


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[Assistant] But acting he loved and I think that's, that's the one thing when he left this world I felt like, you know what?


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[Assistant] That moment you were as like when Tony Stark was like, you're an Avenger kid.


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[Assistant] Dobbling after Lloyd Dobler is like, you're acting like Lloyd Dobler, driving around, recording your thoughts and shit like that. And we did an episode called emo kev where.


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[Assistant] I did, uh, mine was called, eventually it was called Silent But Deadly, ran out of showtime.


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[Assistant] We were supposed to do two shows and cut it together from that.


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[Assistant] But uhm, I wound up doing like, uh, this was supposed to be 90 minutes, but I did like two and a half hours.


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[Assistant] When I got off stage, Brian was just like, oh my god, if we had to cut the show from that.


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[Assistant] We could, and I was like, nah man, there's one more show. And then I went in the back and had a heart attack and we didn't do the second show. So my stand up special is cut from the one fucking show.


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[Assistant] And were you 330 when that happened? No, at that point I was 290.


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[Assistant] So I was down a little bit from there because I'd given up sugar at one point, but I was still pretty hefty.


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[Assistant] Not much, like the kids that travel with, uh, I'm on tour with Liv and Josh, uhm,


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[Assistant] They're always kind of like mentioning like, you don't really eat meals anymore, you just kind of snack.


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[Assistant] The doctor, the day that I was getting out, he's like, how do you feel? I was like, I feel great. He goes, well that's a problem. I said, why? He's like, well time was.


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[Assistant] You went through something like a, you went through 100% blockage. We'd have to crack your fucking chest. We saw your bones. We get into your heart. We fix it.


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[Assistant] Then you would sit around mending for three to six months and you would know.


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[Assistant] That you went through something serious and you would change your life accordingly. He goes, but look at you. You're out of here in 32 hours. You say you feel great.


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[Assistant] That means like you may just slip back into the same habit. You put a stent in there. He's like, so you could just slip back and that's what happens. He goes, if I'm lucky, I'll see you one more time before you die.


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[Assistant] If you don't change your habits. And so at that point my kid was


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[Assistant] She'd been vegan for like three years and stuff and it was so weird watching her.


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[Assistant] Like trying to figure out where to eat and stuff. Cause there was no place to go.


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[Assistant] Hardly. Uhm, but if we got, you could've come over and been like, I saw clerks. Hey, how's Apple?


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[Assistant] Oh, she made me go vegan. She was there when the nutritionist was like, you should, uh, you know, maybe think about adding more vegetables into your diet. And the kid was like, you should just go vegan, dad.


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[Assistant] I just, oh, bro, I used to drink, this is no lie. And people get weirded out. I used to drink two gallons of milk a day.


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[Assistant] It put me on a fucking operating table and it killed me eventually. But he said during this one piece, he was talking about how milk.


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[Assistant] Is very filling because it coats the stomach and stuff and makes you less hungry. I was like, that sounds good. So I started just overdoing it with the milk.


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[Assistant] Five years. The day after the heart attack, when Trisha said that shit, the kid was like, please dad, try it.


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[Assistant] It's nice. Yeah, it is. It is actually better. Uhm. I mean, I just feel like that does so much for self-esteem. It does. And it's also like, you know,


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[Assistant] It's something that has been an issue like my whole fucking life, right? Since I was a kid. Ever been struggling with the fucking weight and stuff. So it was nice to get to a place where that doesn't, it's not the concern. I'm not consumed with that.


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[Assistant] When you lose that weight, all the skin just drakes. And so one could get a procedure where you like have it cut off and they sew you up and shit, but a friend of mine did that and he was like, bro, never do it.


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[Assistant] He was like, I know you, you have no tolerance, no threshold for pain. He's like, this is the worst pain I've ever been in my life.


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[Assistant] So, I got evidence, man. Like, fucking, if you, if I take my fucking kit off right here and shit, I look like, uh, you fucking remember the dude in RoboCop who got hit with the fluids? He's like, ahhh, he's on droopy. That's what my shit looks like.


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[Assistant] Always, always. When I see it. And another reason not to like cut it off. It's like, you know, battle scars, so to speak.


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[Assistant] But also, like, I'm 52, who gives a fuck? Totally. It's not like my, you know, my wife's like, oh my god, get rid of that.


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[Assistant] I'm sure now she's like, this is better than fucking what I've been dealing with the last 20 years. We never had that real conversation, but we should one day, where I'm like,


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[Assistant] You like this better, right? Right? Right? Right? Like, me being, you know, come on. I mean, for fucking 24 years, like, she was on top. Because I was like, well. I'm a big guy. Yeah, you seem to like it up there.


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[Assistant] Well it started, I was way fatter. So now you gotta change the name of the podcast. We had a podcast called Fat Man Beyond. Fat Man on Batman. Then I lost weight, we had to change it to Fat Man Beyond. Really? Yes. Cause I felt like it was false advertising.


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[Assistant] I got him Hitler's teacups, that's why we're, you know. What do you mean?


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[Assistant] I'd love that. I'd also love that. I can't remember or imagine the next time I'll be in Austin. Uh, but you guys- We come to LA all the time. I was going to say, if you're going to be in LA, I got this- well.


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[Assistant] Not this. I don't have all this art. I mean, do you have a production designer? We hired one, yea, for this, yea. And I heard you talking before about your fucking, like, you're like, they built a nice set for me. What do you need a set for to fucking, like, do comedy? Wait, which set? I think you're getting too spoiled by all these trinkets.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't, I don't fuckin' ask. That's uh, that's on square with the woman I met. I just, I give her some cool stuff too. That's it, just throw some fuckin' wealth her way as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, if you don't know, my newest special Sledgehammer is streaming on Netflix. Please give it a shot. Please watch with your friends. Please tell people about it. I would appreciate it. Thank you. I love you. This week on Your Mom's House...


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[Assistant] Here we are and here we go. It is your mom's house Pomcast. Uh, thanks for joining us. Thank you as always for downloading, listening, uh, viewing us on the YouTubes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sharing this with your friends, playing it for your family, your grandmother, your children. Uhm, we are really excited about this week's show. We have some special treats that we're going to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have the opening song, and then I have a closing song. Uhm, and uhm, yeaah, the opening song is by, uh, Peter Gabriel. And the closing song is by a little outfit known as Gangstar. And I could have, you know, for a closing song, they're like, you could just play some stock music. And I was like, nooo.


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[Assistant] Now, I'll cough it up. So I coughed it up twice. Because I think it's part of the experience of the special.


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[Assistant] You know, and I've done, I've done the stock music thing before and I understand it's like, you're not watching a special to hear songs, but you know, one of the, like, this was like my,


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[Assistant] This special was me going. This is the culmination of a few years of touring.


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[Assistant] I went big on all aspects of it, like there's this little, you know, intro that plays kind of recapping.


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[Assistant] The, the two year tour. It's pretty quick, but I was like, yeah, we're doing it. We're doing it on this one. And then I wanted the music to just make it.


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[Assistant] Where you go like, oh, this is, like it sets a tone. And I think even as a closing, even though it's like credits are playing, hearing that music for me is like, it's still part of the experience of playing the special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told, you know, you heard me tell, you heard me tell, uh, Kevin Smith when he was here and I told Tarantino, I told like directors and a few other people about I wrote the check to make the thing I wanted to make.


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[Assistant] And uhm, I can't talk about the uhm, the details yet, but I sold it. I sold that show. Uhm.


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[Assistant] And the reason that I'm most proud of it is that I spent money on something creative. I bet on myself. In other words, there's no guarantee you get this money back, but I was like, I want to make this specific thing. And I don't want to go through the process of like hearing what somebody else is going to say. And it paid off.


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[Assistant] That's the whole point. That's right. Look at the fucking rubbing his paws together. He loves the word bet. You say bet.


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[Assistant] Let's, uh, let's get going here. Let's open the show. You ready? I'm ready. Let's get, uh, let's get this ready. Hold on. And here you go.


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[Assistant] You can fix your air conditioning unit, you can, you know, you can learn how to plant watermelons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, do you not want to live in your car? You want to be a vehicle dweller?


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[Assistant] I want to kind of better myself, like get things going. Get my own place with no wheels. Just a building with a door, living there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was your Honda Insight. That fucking piece of dog shit. I hated that so much.


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[Assistant] Well, yeah, I mean, she talked about where you have to piss, I get that. And then she should have been like, sometimes you're going to need to dump and this is a bowl for pasta. I also use it as a shitter. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can. Bookstores are probably a good one. Cause you can always, and people, you know, people that are in bookstores and work there, are you generally kind of weird? Like they're not like, Hey, how's it going? So if you can go in there and just stare at the ground and no one's going to be like this person, they're like, this is our regular customer. And that can be just you thinking about how bad you have to shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then if you just like look at somebody, the whole thing is like, what am I gonna get here? Then you're like, I just have to use the restroom. Then you go, you shit, and then you can leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing, just have a couple book questions ready. You know, just walk in and be like, hey, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're done. Uhm, it is hot boy summer. Uhm, I have been, as you pointed out, getting into cool hobbies, and doing so much of it, and then last episode, I texted, uh, arguably my best friend Jason Mumoa, and I, I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, which motorcycle should I get? Cause I know he loves bikes and he didn't write back during the show, but later he did. And, um, he talked a lot. We, he fucking loves. That's the thing is like, I have, uh, my car friends. I have my, um, all my, this is, um, yeah, this is, this is really him. He's, he's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's stoked about it. I have my car friends, I have fucking gun friends, I have watch friends, I have flying friends, chopper friends, and now I have motorcycle friends. And the whole thing is I'm going to put them all together and I'm going to take a helicopter, lift a car,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, check the time, pull the lever, have it drop, and then a motorcycle comes out of the back. Oh wow. And that's what I'm gonna do for my uh, uh, 45th birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the best way to start the day. I know that, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it's been like over, like people are like, enough with the fucking, who's this girl? Like, I get it, but can I tell you this? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is no better way to start that there's no cup of coffee like 39 degree water. Like when you come out of that thing, I did it, I've done it because we've been loading up on podcasts and it is kind of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A draining, you know, experience throughout the day when you're like planning it out and just trying to come in with like the right energy and do all this stuff. When I start the day with that, I have a much better day. I go from the cold plunge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dry off and I go right to workout. By the way, it changes your core temperature so much that I don't sweat for fucking, look at her, like 30 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fuckin', look, I love the feeling. The feeling lasts for a few hours. Why is it so hard for you to listen to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're actually right, cause your brain goes into fight or flight mode, and it releases this cocktail of epinephrine, norepinephrine, dope, and then your body goes, we lived? And you get to the thrill of that for a few hours. I thought we were about to die! And you're like, well we were if we stayed in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three minutes. Your friends came over to the house and they each did three minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it one piece or was it a- No!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have sneezes like that. Uhm, sometimes I, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bubble came up and burst and it smelled, and I thought that was pretty remarkable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it popped and I was like, ugh. Like it really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stunk, so like it, it was a, it was a gas bomb that came up. That was pretty special because it doesn't happen every time. Not every time. I've had it happen a few times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did get, by the way, last week when I left, I did get a wink out at Nadav on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you were talking about your butthole getting ripped apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that is Demarco Fleming, uhm, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody tell, like some people talk that talk and you're like, this guy's full of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, like he's not joking about the size of his dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's not joking about the fact that you're gonna be sore and probably calling him or other people for help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, but like, if he held on to you, you know, and he was, and, and, and like, he was like, he would go, uh, bitch-ass Nadab, or whatever he called you, and then, and then, and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes he'll come in and he'll walk weird already. I'm like, why are you walking like that? He's like, I threw my back out. What if he came in and he was like, yeah, this guy DeMarco, you know, he fucked my ass, but my back, um, he got injured. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, one, like, there's some Monday, we're like, where is Nadav? And they're like, oh, he's in the hospital. It's like, what happened? He's like, he went back to see DeMarco. He couldn't get enough of Daddy DeMarco. But then he's in like the, you know, the spinal paralysis unit or whatever. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as a man, a lot of men, and it might be different for gay men and, and what they want like, but for straight men, there is kind of a certain thrill about hearing that a woman, you made a woman swore. You know? Right? Cause it makes you feel like, ah, I really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I gave it to her, you know? Yeah. But uhm, how do you, cause I think gay men might enjoy the soreness more. Does it, like, do women...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not enjoy it as much? Like a sore episode?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm asking you as a woman whether being sore from a, from like a real pounding is actually a turn on or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is this guy is actually probably, you know, he's gay, right? He's gay. Obvious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not swishing around. Right. And he doesn't play that shit. But he's probably, you know what I mean? Like, this guy just likes men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he'll still fucking knock your fucking teeth out, you know? Maybe while fucking you with his dick, but also, you know, for talking some shit to him. Like you can't, you can't just like go up to DeMarco and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's fear in this little morsel's eyes. Because he's like, it was nice to meet you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause he tries to kiss him, I didn't- Oh, I didn't see that. Yeah, yeah, you didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is awesome. He is terrified. He's the best guy. He is absolutely terrified.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a fascinating chat, uhm, amongst ourselves about this dude who was on Humans of New York, uhm, and this, this like, we read this incredible, if you missed it, we read this incredible


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, caption, which is what he said. Uhm, and for those of you that missed it, uhm, it's up on Humans of New York on the Instagram page. We talked about it at length on a couple of the last few episodes. But it was this dude, Rex, who talked about how he's one of those people that uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who can like hold their orgasm in their ejaculate and have an internal orgasm essentially and we played that we talked about it like i said at length and uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he said how there was, you know, he was giving thousands of orgasms. It sounded like pretty braggadocious. And then he was like, I'm not doing that anymore because I don't want to make it hard on them, on women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, and then he's like, it must suck for them to like, have sex with me and then have to eat dirty sock soup for the rest of their lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we, we talked about it, like I said, and, and, and then there's a new post now. The new post is this one. Uhm, this, yeaah. And this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's a, it's a, it's a new one from Humans of New York, it's him again. And he's in a sauna, and there's two women, he looks like he's, well he's giving a foot rub to one, and the other one's just laying there. And the quote on this one says, I'm basically a big butch lesbian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hosted lesbian parties for ten years, and let me tell you, they adore me. A lot of my closest friends are big butch lesbians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Certainly my best bodybuilding partner is amazing, aggressive, powerful women. Very dominant over the males in the gym. Not dominant over me, of course. Unless they're busting my balls. Because strong women are ball busters. They're just like the dudes. They are the dudes. They just happen to be dudes that are dudettes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They understand both sides of the fence, which is why we get along so well. Don't get me wrong, I'm still friends with a lot of dude dudes, but a lot of guys are just too rough around the edges when it comes to women. I don't want any part of it. I find it grotesque.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One term I've been hearing these last couple years is body count. I've heard men say, what's her body count? They're referring to the amount of people a woman has been with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a pathetic, disgusting, wormy question. How dare you? This is an independent soul. This is the human that needs to be treated with honor and respect. This isn't some piece of property you can put in a box. Imagine thinking someone is not worthy of you because they were a little experimental when they were younger, or even when they were older. That's their choice. Leave them alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woman can be with whoever she wants, whenever she wants, however she wants. If you ask me it all comes down to insecurity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of women think, if she's had a lot of lovers, there will definitely have been somebody better than me. They feel threatened and they try to make that the woman's problem. What a sad way of viewing things. No matter how many lovers a person has had, they'll never have been with another you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every person comes to the table with what they bring to the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of us are exactly what we are, different. All that, and all, sorry, and that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is what makes us all so special, there's a typo there. Uhm, so-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a different, and that's a very, um, you know, insightful and thoughtful, uh, uh, kind of outlook on, on being with a whore after, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're trying to, you know, trying to justify being with this absolute trash bag of a human who fucked half of a city and doesn't care about her own body and just gives it to everybody and then you can be like, oh, you know, we're all different people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fucking slut doesn't care about herself. Why should I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, uhm, this guy, I mean, there's just so much to unpack in all of his posts, but he's fascinating, and we have a little treat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, for, for ourselves and for you, the listeners and viewers, uhm, uh, we're gonna talk to Rex right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm here with, uhm, tell that woman to keep it down. I, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were so marveled by it, and we've actually talked about it at length even more, even with other guests, and uhm, I, uh, you know, I think I was just very insecure and jealous at how powerful you are in the bedroom, and I just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you became like this, uhm, obviously like really great lover. Is it a combination of the fact that you, you studied, you read this information? What's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is a lot of your, is a lot of your, like, high level, like, you know, the fact that you're so good at this with whomever, is it a lot of hand stuff? Like, is it, you know, like, using your hands to achieve this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want, I want the listeners, I want the listeners to hear the, the, order those Montecchia books, uh, so far we know, uhm, you know, take your time, pay attention, look at the eyes, uhm, and now I'm ready for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's obvious. I mean, you're, you're jacked. It's awesome. Um, it's, it is inspiring to see that too. Can I ask you one thing? Because we, um, we gotta, we have to jump here, but if there's any,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other bit of advice, where you can get to somebody who wants to get started in, in, I know you said to get the books, and you know, the intuitive stuff about lovemaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like somebody who's looking for like, oh, like a, one thing you could say to a beginner who wants to up their skill in that, in that realm of being a great lover and maybe maintaining their ejaculation, their ejaculate inside of, like, is there anything you could-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rex, thank you for picking up and thank you for chatting with us, man. We had a really good time talking to you and we love the posts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, he's a lovely guy, isn't he? What a sweet guy. What a sweetheart. And I believe that he really is genuinely that sweet. And that is a Kegel lecture, that is great, cause I, you know, there's some pussies that I remember where the women, like they could make their, basically their pussies talk, you know, like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, I think he said like, it's good for women, but also men, we need to be doing that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah you can do that, but I think you can really hold on to your orgasm if you have a strong...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you gave me that I listened to for a week. I've told you this before. Which is, uh, write a little, like write some everyday in like this window of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like over the course of a month or two, you'd be like, Oh, I've written so much. And you won't feel a panic of like, Oh my God, how do I finish this? Which is what I eventually did and felt. But did you stick to that approach with this as well?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've only spent like, I only rode one once for two minutes, and then I did a dirt bike once. That's it. So I've never spent significant time on one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that some people in LA actually felt like it's, or feel like it's the thing to have. Alonzo. Yea, cause you can just like go, you know, you don't sit the way people sit in traffic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You know why I make my cars louder? It's like doing Kegel exercises. It makes my, uh, makes me, my pee-pee go up like this. Oh yeah. No, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get Tom an oculus, and I'm gonna get him a cold plunge. What do you do on the oculus?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, the first thing I did was a space tour. That was pretty cool. And then, I signed up to serve our country. So, I have been doing missions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually just did, I actually just did. And they asked me, they're like, are you, um, in current, like, service? And I was like, hm, actually yes. Yea, obviously. And so, yea. They're like, do you have military ID? I was like, don't be fucking rude. Don't be fucking rude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Did you, were you, did you get like an awareness about it? You're like, oh, I'm, I see what I'm doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That drink are always on me for like, I don't really drink. Yeah. And my main thing, it's not like, oh, I have discipline, is that like, I just hate the feeling of having to take a nap. Yeah. Yeah. I hate a mid, I'm like, I'm, every time I have a drink, I'm like, I'm tired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate that, like for me it's an evening night time thing only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody who was kind of full of themselves. You know? Oh, it's the best. Yeah. Kind of where they're at. Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think everybody, so you know how we all share posts of certain comedians? Like we all do that. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's really, you know, the, the, the, the thing that's going to be mocked is any sincerity. If you're doing, if you go, I'm not posting this for comedy, because it's sincere, then, then you're in the category of worthy of mockery, right? 100%. Anything sincere, anything that's like. Oh, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, anybody who had, like, cause you see it, whether it's in comedy or like unsolicited advice from anyone, I'm like, here's what, we get it as comedians from other people who are telling you about comedy sometimes and you're like, what? Who asked you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. But yea, people are like, I got the answer for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where'd that come from? There's this thing that happens for comedians that get popular is if you get popular, there's this, there's this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just try to, I don't try to like go like you should live your life this way or uhm, this is who I'm voting for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do try to go like, you know what, I like this thing. Like, I did a photography, but I'm like, this is a still image app. I'm posting photographs. So like, these photos I took, I don't care if people don't like them. I'm like, I'm making it for myself. But yeah, I try to stay away from, I've got all the answers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when they do it, when they do it in a post of like, all this money I've made, cause we're all doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anxiety gone. Really? Just complete, cause you can get just so lost in these things, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it'll be like, I look at Instagram, and I'll be like, I need to get off Instagram. And without thinking, I'm just talking about what my brain does. I close Instagram and I hit YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I go through YouTube and I'll look at things and, and watch some videos and I'll be like, I need to get off YouTube. And this is some like, this is bad for me. And as I do it, I see the Instagram app and I'll, I'll be like, oh, and then I'll be like, oh, I just got off this. Close that. Maybe go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at Twitter or something for a little bit. Close that. Emails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, well I would, cause it was great for, I wasn't a big tweet guy, it's just like, it was an information gathering thing, cause I would, I'd like to just know what people are talking about all around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'll say this, like, oh, I'll know if it's a, and then it'll be like, you know, hey, you know, Ukraine. She'll be like, what's going on in Ukraine? I'm like, am I supposed to summarize this in five seconds? Like, this has been a kind of a big story for a while. She's like, did something happen? I'm like, well, kinda, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have any, uhm, like, east and west feelings about going, we're going into another cycle of like, it, I had never had so much, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it wore me out so much that I actually did fade on those news stories where there are news stories that come up now where, I mean, I'm making jokes about it, but like where I'll be like, what's that? Cause I, I don't consume as much as I used to. And I think we're ramping up for a big one. I mean, this one's going to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so, because, look, there's no, I like to try to stay in reality. Yeaah. And reality is, whether you want to admit it or not,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're sweet and, and I don't want them to die. Um, but by the way, you know, they shouldn't be running a business, let alone the nation. It just feels like, come on dude. And like, this is somebody- But who can you pass it to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know. That's the thing is that that's what we're setting up here is like there should be, it should be open on their side. And then you have,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say that it's not. It's extremely entertaining. It's, yeah. Uhm, but he's, uh, a fucking lunatic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually feel like, one thing I didn't expect, there was this thing when he left office, where people who really were anti-Trump were like, well stop giving him coverage, cause all you guys did was cover him. Well they were covering the president, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they kinda did. Uh huh. Really over these years. Yea, for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, cause all these like third party people, it's always like they're just gonna, you know, take away votes from the two big parties. But at some point, one of them is actually going to break through. Do you remember Perot? Of course. I was all in with Perot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that was flaccid, like five and a half, six and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My percentage growth has got to be like a thousand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember his dong. I just, you know, I saw him change and I was like, all I could see were the balls. I was like, fuck man. Is your, is your back okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I'm, that's weird. I haven't, I dunno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna, you're both gonna act out in some way. Whether you recognize that you're doing it or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're pretty healthy. You're gonna really... Well that's the thing is we got, we lucked out in that our youngest is allergic to, uh, dogs and now cats. Really? So we get to like, instead of having a house full of animals, which we were doing. Yeah. Oh, and I'm a dog. That really ties you down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a little, like throw a treat towards the pool, oops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you this too? This is about, you're one of the only people, cause you're so good at stand up and writing. Thank you. When you, when you do. Thanks guys, we did it. We did do it. Together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know this is like an inside comic studio question, but when you start over with stand up, like when you put something out and you're, how do you start, how do you go back to it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they go, you have to be on stage on this date. Yeah, it definitely does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, but the real key thing here is that you spent the time, that you would be like, like you would dedicated to writing a book, to just working on stand-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was saying something about uhm, this is like in the similar lane of uhm, when people are like, you know, writing a script or something. He goes, well, you know, the thing is 90% of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Movies are shit. 90% of books are shit. 90% of- So he's like the- Yeaah. It doesn't have to be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, just, you don't have to do a masterpiece. Yeah, he's like, just write, and then maybe it won't be good. And then you can move on to the next thing. But if you just think about, like, this has, cause we all do that, like, I mean, with new bits too, you're like, I don't know, this sucks. It's like, so what? Just do it. And then it's done. It's the judgement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to keep plowing. Painting, like writing music, it's all the same thing where it's like, if you think about how it's going to be received or whether or not it's good, it's like that's, you're wasting time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doctor, now he's the leading gastric bypass surgeon, uh, I think in the world, certainly in the United States. And so he usually operating on like six, seven hundred pound people and he's very direct. So he starts with, was like, have you heard of soap and water?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this reminds me, what was that, remember the, uh, it's not, the place isn't as bad as it used to be on the shows, but like on the hoarders show. Yeah. Where it would just be packed and then they were like, yeah, there's rats here, but you know, I don't mind them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of them just, it's too, like, it got too gross, too. When they're like, yeah, it's shit here in the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but you have a lot in here, man. Date nights, unfamiliar hotel rooms, pets, drinking, um, ducking your family. I can't wait to read that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uhm, thank you for coming. We always love seeing you. Likewise, likewise. Thank you, mommy. Don't forget to get Tom's book and also go see Tom on tour. And uhm, and also if you're his children, come home. Say hi. Yeah, once in a while. Come say hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty cold, and uh, just living that two bedroom apartment life, uh, newly wedded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people think 48 is too young to get married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wake up in the morning and sometimes she's staring at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when I wake up she goes, Jackpot. Like she won the lottery. Wow. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we got, we got married twice now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, and it was very controversial. Why? I got married twice because the, the family, her family is very Catholic. Nice. And then also, I guess we didn't want to subject everybody to that as well. We also had a wedding in Santa Barbara.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wally was very involved in- Were you raised Catholic? I was raised Catholic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was very Catholic growing up and got out of it kind of late compared to a lot of people I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to the point where, like I was told, I went to Catholic school.


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[Assistant] So you're learning math, science, history, religion. So it just seems like also facts.


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[Assistant] Uh, I remember around, I think it was after I got laid when I was 18, I had to justify that I'm not, I was like, well, I guess I'm going to hell for eternity.


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[Assistant] And then I slowly kind of just drifted apart from it. You, you talk to other Catholics.


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[Assistant] Like, well, you know, I can't even remember what it was, but there's always technicalities if you're a Catholic.


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[Assistant] There's always like, well, Jesus knew Mary Magdalene and blah, blah, blah. I forget exactly what it was, but I slowly, and then I stopped going to church. And the next thing I knew, I could listen to Slayer with no regret.


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[Assistant] You start learning that they're like the pro-life movement.


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[Assistant] Which I'm not cool with. A lot of people are like, oh, it's the, uh, that's their opinion. It's like no, they're the ones pushing all this shit.


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[Assistant] And uhm, you know, raising people to think like this.


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[Assistant] You're just talking to a man in a closet in the dark, you know, and he can actually see you through that, that OP paper.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, that's, that's, that's too much, especially for a kid. Luckily you had a wall between you. Not everybody gets that.


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[Assistant] Deal with that because it ruins their, their faith that they're heavily invested in.


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[Assistant] You know, um, and that's, that's part of the reason I didn't want to get married Catholic because I felt like everybody, you know, they, if someone like me who's not Catholic and doesn't really like where the Catholic church has gone is willing to cave in and go along,


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[Assistant] Just to say the words and just to be up there, then I'm like, who's gonna stand up?


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[Assistant] For the victims and it got really ironic because.


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[Assistant] Like that's why they killed Jesus cause he wouldn't just say the words. He wouldn't just say.


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[Assistant] No, I'm not the son of God. They're like, dude, we're giving you a chance. We're not going to crucify you. If you just say you're not the son of the God, he's like, no, I'm the son of God.


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[Assistant] You know, and it got down to that thing, just like, just saying the words.


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[Assistant] They, they, my, my in-laws were working on me as soon as I showed up. So, uh, my father-in-law, who's no longer with us, I went to visit him in the hospital and we're talking chat. And it's the first time I ever met him and he goes, so Kristen tells me you're Catholic, right? And I was like,


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[Assistant] You are gonna wanna start getting into Catholicism, you're gonna wanna start to become a Catholic. And I was like, all right, I just went along at that point.


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[Assistant] I just like, I just like, that's, that's fine as far as this conversation is concerned. Sure. All right. You're suggesting that it might help me. Who am I to say that, you know, it could help me. Who knows? And then when we're getting married, uh, it's all of a sudden and, and,


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[Assistant] Her, her family, they're, they're from Louisiana. They're very much involved in all of each other's lives, which I'm not used to. Like my parents don't even know my middle name. You know what I mean? Like, like they're just not.


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[Assistant] It's like, I got to come to them and start the conversation about something before they're allowed to comment on my life.


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[Assistant] Right? But so I told, uhm, my sisters in laws that I was gonna propose to my wife. This is in February of 2020, right before the pandemic. I'm like, I'm going to propose to my wife or my fiance or my girlfriend at the time. And they're like, cool.


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[Assistant] Here's the instructions. It was almost like, it was like, we're going to fly to New York and we're going to be there for the after party and.


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[Assistant] That's not enough time. I told them I was going to do it in a week and they're like, that's not enough time. We need to plan.


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[Assistant] And no proposal. And you know, she's just kind of thinking like, what, what is this? Cause it was the time and they even asked me to wait and I go, I go, I go, hold on a second. I'm like, I got her birthday coming up. I got her, our first date anniversary coming up.


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[Assistant] And I got a vacation coming up and there's no way I'm doing that.


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[Assistant] Without a proposal, all those things. So it's going to happen and I actually bumped up the, the, the proposal date so that they could make it out. And, um,


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[Assistant] The only reason I bring that up is because now it's like, okay, now it's time to start talking to father Joe. And I'm like, oh shit, like I'm really going to have to, to do this.


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[Assistant] To this priest. Cause I'm familiar with this. They told us about this, like you have to talk to a priest before you can get married.


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[Assistant] I'm like, I gotta go talk to this priest. I, I, I've got it in my head that like, I, I hate


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[Assistant] Sure. And I don't know how I'm gonna do this. I don't know how I'm gonna stand up there and do this. And I'm really freaking out. The upside of it is it got me into therapy, which I desperately needed to get into.


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[Assistant] Cause it, cause it is a thing, like are you going to be that asshole that says to the family, no.


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[Assistant] I'm not doing this, but I'm still getting married. See ya at Christmas. You know, like, can you really pull that off? And I came to the conclusion that no.


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[Assistant] No, I had to go to this therapist first.


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[Assistant] And he really just kind of talked me into it. I don't remember what he said, but I remember was like, all right, I'm willing to do this. And then we went and met with this guy and he's, we had to watch this video and it was honestly like a bunch of priests. There was one video where a priest was going,


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[Assistant] To say that like, like we have to come up with that. And then there was this question here. I was feeling like particularly rebellious that day.


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[Assistant] And that's probably a lie. I'll probably pray at certain points. So,


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[Assistant] I went and I did it and it was, it was actually great because when this, this wasn't being pitched as our real wedding.


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[Assistant] This was kind of pleased the family, particularly my mother-in-law.


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[Assistant] And then we'll have the big celebration in Santa Barbara with another ceremony, but I actually enjoyed it more than I thought I would because I was like, um, that, that moment where you become legal.


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[Assistant] for me. And so I got through that and it was, and it was like very joyous and I loved signing my name on whatever the hell I signed my name on and uhm,


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[Assistant] And the only thing I didn't like is the priest was like, do you promise to raise your children Catholic? And I was like,


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[Assistant] Good answer. That is so funny, dude, because I asked my dad who, who sat during this whole fiasco, he called me, he goes, yeah, I don't believe in 90% of it. He goes, I just go there for my peace and quiet.


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[Assistant] I go, hey, when it's raining, is that just like God holding his hands out like this? My dad goes, I don't know.


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[Assistant] You know, like he had like no answer. That was like a clue right then and there. But like he didn't like really help me. So all the, all the shit I have with Catholicism was not what I learned from my parents. It was the Catholic school that really like bugged me out and made me a little nutty.


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[Assistant] And they told me like even thinking about it is a sin. Yes. And it's like, what the fu- have you ever tried to not think about something?


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[Assistant] I didn't even, this is a huge Your Moms House exclusive. I didn't even jerk off until I was like 18. Not a once. Not a once. I actually had like wet dreams to get it out because I was like that scared of it.