[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know if it's a blood- I think some of it is conscious. I think it is conscious like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. None of us are sitting here, minding our own business. Cause that's the thing that stands out, is that everyone, literally everyone else in those situations, is considerate of everyone else. That's why that person stands out. You're the only one that doesn't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll throw in that somebody obnoxiously speaking English like that is awful. Awful. Yeah, so we're gonna get at the market. There's no onions in the house. And you're like, Jesus, dude, it's worse that you can't understand it. Cause you're like, your conversation's so dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And some, it is, there is a split. There are people that are oblivious, cause you can look at someone


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing? And they're like, what? I don't know. And then there's people that it's a, what it is, it's, it's a, an attempt to show power. Because what you're saying is like, this is a moment where I can, I'm going to talk loudly in this room. I'm dominating the space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, I don't want to hear your conversation, period.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people are is I'm on a plane a week ago and a kid has his iPad or whatever or some toy and I'm like, Hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I look over, and then his parent was like, oh don't forget that one. Like was helping him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you're like, why don't you tell your kid to turn that down, or why don't you give him headphones so the rest of us don't have to hear pew pew pew pew pew pew. It's obnoxious. You are obnoxious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did actually see a person last week do the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dun dun dun dun, and I see them going with their headphones and they're like, and then, and then all of a sudden the guy goes, oh, we're not plugged in. And he, he, you know, he plugged it in. But that was, it's different, right? Like he's trying to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Agreed. Are you, uh, reading anything now, by the way?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is that? No it's not. Of course it is. No it isn't. I'm reading a book right now. Red Notice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you at least sell that to somebody, you know? Fartmistress? I mean, to a real fartmistress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how my mother spoke English when she first got to this country. Yeah. You know? It's like she would call a fan a monster. I remember that. A monster. Yeah, she's like, de monster? Cause she didn't know how to say fan. She's like, monsters make noise. But this lady said that her ass is like a monster. It's pretty neat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well especially San Francisco, I mean you have so many great choices in San Francisco to like eat real authentic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I actually have a bit in my act right now about that. Is that still funny?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like we may have discussed it. It feels familiar. I really do think we've discussed it, but I think it's been a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No, it's a reasonable question. I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you just get a sense of it, just like a, a feel. Because you're so, you're so tied to your vision helping you, that eventually, like, I think what happens is it becomes intuitive and they just go, I'm done now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got all these mysteries. And tell us about the learning curve. Tell us about bad, you know, times you guessed wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't just be like, yeah, of course I know how to do it. Tell us, give us a little insight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about down here in LA County? You live anywhere beach, beach side?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most desirable places are the ones here, and they're so expensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't want to live on an IE. But Maui's got it going on, that's pretty excessive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My niece, Grayson. Yep. Some other kid. Isabella Rosalini. All had birthdays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you don't know when you buy jewelry for someone you're like, did I do well? You don't know until they actually, you can tell by their reaction. You're like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did cause you're always like talking about PJs and you put your PJs on at night. I love jammers. I'm not really a PJ guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but it's one of those things, do you ever have things where you go, you imagine you want to be that thing? You know what I mean? Like, I'm the same way with robes, basically. I see someone in a robe, I'm like, I want that robe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like in a catalog wearing their peat, I'm like, ah, that looks so comfortable. I like sleeping in boxers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The exception for the PJs thing is sometimes they make like sleep shorts or the real loose baggy- The dick shorts you like. Dick shorts, yea. I like those to sleep in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't like an actual pajama ensemble, you know, I don't wear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this person is on both shows? Yes. On Billions and Orange is the Big Black? Holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a nice way to spin, uhm. So you're farting? Yeah. You farting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, yeaah, we had to, we had to put, we mentioned it earlier, but it's official. It's now a thing. It's here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you not, your mic's not on? Sorry, sorry, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, give me a second, give me a second. Uhm, wait a minute. No, no, how about now? Does it work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, this always makes me crazy when people are as guests on podcasts, including when I've been guests on podcasts and it's like, Hey, I have something and then we don't address it forever. So I think at least once right out of the gate, let's mention that on July 19th, 18th, 18th,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ari Shaffir has a Netflix special set called I'll Take Those Two Pennies and it's coming out, it's a double special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does it work like the way Chappelle's does? Where it's like a collection and like one plays in another play?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that is, like that, yours is actually two separate things we'll play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has naturally a good boundary. In other words, some kids, his age, uh, somebody goes like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I give you a perfect example? Yeah. That like, it just shows you kind of different thoughts. I'm going to New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, why aren't you staying for like a few days? And it's the, it's the normal thought for a single guy that doesn't have a family, but like any guy with a family would be like, what are you talking about? Why would I stay there for a few days? I actually live most of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I wish I could do it in the sense that it's like I go, I wish I could fucking go parasailing tomorrow too. Right, right, right, right. Like it's an enjoyable kind of like, oh, that's cool. You get to, but I mean, I'm not going to do that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most things are not. And most people are not black and white. We try to make everybody black and white. Like that guy sucks. She's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, like, abandoning religion? Was it like a one-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny too how many of those things are like tied to a practice and they become symbolic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's not lose track of his, uh, his story here either, but I have to just mention this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never. No, that would be like, yeaah. And it's, part of you has to like, really accept that, that, that there's gonna be people out there that believe that you're serious. Yeah! And I think that's a real struggle for like a lot of comics. But I think that he is so sure of himself, that he fully goes for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This thing though, this thing was amazing is you have different water pressure options. Oh. Oscillating, pulsating options. What do you mean? Water temperature options. Yeah. Cold, warm, hot. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty amazing. So basically you can, you're done. You can have a nice stream to kind of start, kind of get your asshole adapted to it. And then you can fucking gas it up and have a fire hose. Wow. And really get it going. You can let that thing run for a minute. Put toilet paper back there. Nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Let's talk about this. What do you think, uh, wow, do you think that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a roommate that did that with his asshole. Really? Yeah, yeah. Could shoot out stuff? No, no, no, just the air thing, but like, on, like, he would just get on, he could do it on all fours or lay on his back and just all day he could go, really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, you gotta stop doing this. And they just, it was so habitual. We're talking like, they're 40 years of doing this. Yeah, right, like why wouldn't it be that way? So they put, he had to tape signs, like you can flush it. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, are you really into your own balls then? Like, is that a big, like, if you're making your list, you're like, definitely like, play with my balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it, what is it really a turn I'm saying? Like if, if you were like, if a woman was like, what, what do you like? We're about to have sex. Would you be like, definitely play with my balls? No, no, no. Okay. So it's not like your thing, I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I like it, but I mean, it's not like, I wouldn't be like, if you don't play with my balls, we got a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm half Peruvian. Yeah. And I, you know, whatever. But, um, it's a lot. I don't know. It's a lot of hair. I'm not like, Oh, actually I have one of my friends. Do you like a him ball down there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I just need, I mean, I just need like a haircut. You don't want it tuft. Yeah, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you gotta show her. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Not right now, I can't do it. Doesn't sound good. I have to wait. Really? It's so bad. I saw it in person, I was like... Were you there when it happened? Dude, I was in, uh, a cap city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw it and I remember that I pulled, uh, I was so traumatized that I pulled Brian aside. And said what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen anything like that. I know, it's crazy. I've had that since I was 16. And that isn't a problem, like that shouldn't be surgery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We already have to blur one thing in this episode. It's so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's basically, his, you ever seen like a chimp's ass? Yeah. How it's like, bubbles? It's like all big and- Like a prolapsed? Yes, yes. Yeah, kinda like a prolapsed. Yeah, I've seen a prolapsed. That happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Peach. Red. Asshole. And it, I mean, it looked like growth. It looked like it wasn't like your real ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So dumb. It won't play? I'm just like, I'm trying to play it, and... Is it on Live League? Yea, but it just says, you know, so I go hit play, I'm hitting play right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These, these summer days, by the way. Oh no. Man. Summer? Oh, with those swamp eyes. I mean, I'm hairy, you know, like sometimes I'll be like, ugh, like my butt itches, and I'll just go sit down with paper, see if there's something there, and just like see so much brown, just like sweat, and you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you are? Okay. Yeah, so I'll be gone. Yeah, I'm gonna be there in a couple weeks just hanging out if you wanna come by. Are you really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well she does this thing where like she starts basically all of her, or a lot of her videos like this, she goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happy birthday? Yeah, happy birthday. Yeah. Nigga lips? Yeah. I don't know if she's saying that, but she's saying stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing I was looking for was, do you remember her, um, one of her OG ones was about, uh, shitting? In and around? Yea. I can't find that. In the round?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but she had a great one about uhm, what she was gonna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I would have to do that just to be able to have whatever I want. For the second and the third meal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love doing this to people. I did this to my mother. We were at a grocery store and they had a retarded guy bagging the groceries. And at this grocery store they walk you to the car too. So they walk you to the car and they load it in. And so he did all that. There's no conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yeah, like with them, with my parents, I'll be like, this guy's drunk. And she'll be like, but they don't, like, they don't go, they don't get that I'm saying that as a joke. Cause I do it seriously. And then they'll be like, that guy's severely disabled. Like he's, he's fucked. Oh, I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your grandfather is like a couple years before he dies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you walk into a bar and then they're like, Hey, I saw you on Netflix or Comedy Central.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also your sex game would be to take a big dive. You would never think about pleasing somebody else. No. But you gotta also think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Cause she said that, and some, uh, someone wrote in, she's like, I work with, in special ed, and she's like, they don't all jerk off all day, you fucking idiots. That's cause you've done a good job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's choose Passover. So, it's Passover, uhm, everybody gets together. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I apologize, you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I don't know all the things, but you do your coin flip, everyone sits there, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So everybody's like, oh cool. And they're like, what is it? Did you, did you shoot a new show? What are you going to show us? And you go, just sit here and watch this. And you put it in a DVD and they're all like waiting in anticipation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, by the way, do you say happy passover? Like what do you guys say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so. That's for all holidays. So, they're all sitting in front of the TV, you press play, you're on screen, and ten homeless guys are standing around you. Hold on, hold on, hold on, let me internalize this first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is one of the options. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You turn to camera and you say, uh, Happy Pesach. Yeah, Happy Pesach. Like that. And then it cuts to black. You turn back and you're like, what do you guys think? It's either that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or when you put the DVD in and you press play, it's just you alone looking the camera and you masturbate to completion and you say happy Pesach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd rather be retarded. No, I'd rather pfft, grandfather, 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel like it would, like now that I think about it, talking about it with you, it would take so long. Like I would have to go somewhere, like focus so intensely on it, you know? Like just, you'd have to block it out so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you ever bring stuff like that up in that era? Would you be like, I want to masturbate or would they talk to you about stuff like that? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, how are they with your, you know, success?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing how many people, like, well, they're like, and so you just made that whole thing up, right? No, I just chose the funniest way to say it. The amazing one to me is when people think you made up, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A super detailed story, like a story. Yeah. Like people get there like, so you made, like I had a story about meeting Mike Tyson and they're like, you made all that up. You made that up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you kind of want to be like, yeah, I think I'm creative, but like, you think I made up all the beats of like our converse? But why would I make that up? But I guess if you don't do it, then you just assume. They don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always think about whenever I hear these things, like about- It's crazy, right? No, just the amount of effort. Just effort. I guess we're all-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do they, is everybody, here's the other thing, how, how are they as far as they have, have they accepted your departure?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I understood. I mean, I, I got it. I, I just, I rejected all the other cum, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I talked to Bart, Chrisler,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, well we both cut water, of course, but like there's, you put the water back on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know where he's going. He's, he's on the road a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, if you were to describe, like he said that he was really upset. At what? That people were saying he gained the weight back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, well, you know, he goes, I haven't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a lot. And I go, dude, and he goes, I heard you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and people have been tweeting him. Really? Yeah, like, why did you get fat again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you got word that we were basically, whatever, at it or near it, were you like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what would be really fun? We have to put it off obviously a little bit. Would be in probably end of January. I don't even know where it is. I could look it up. Uh, the national championship game. That'd be fun to go to. Basketball?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, there would be, there are, there are going to be a preseason top 10. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But either way, but they also opened the season against Alabama. That'd be their show. They'll get there. They'll get a pretty good, uh, they jump up if they win that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be honest with you, that was rooted in truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also knew how ex- how retarded it kind of was. But then when it was like, actually, like when we were like, hey, let's do it, I was like, that'll be super fun. Super fun. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there was a big shocker, because I guess they had, they had multiples. You know? Yeaah. Two in the pink, one in the stink. So there was one big upset, where uhm, I think Paris beat Barcelona, but no one was expecting on the first one. And I think there was a game after that where Barcelona went crazy. Messi played for Barcelona? He does, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would have been so upset to be in coach. So upset actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was my theory, by the way. When he told me, he goes, when he said, like, everyone's saying I gained all its weight back, I go, dude, every place you go, you don't have a shirt on. Most people, not even like, forget obese, like, the average person shirtless, it isn't like, wow, you look great, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I will say this, I will say this, if I walked around all the time shirtless, it's not going to be compliments, man. No, it's not going to be like, shredded. But like, most people have the sense, minus him, do not do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he is a psycho though, where he will go, like, you know, still, if you go on his like Instagram, it's like every night he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does that self-regulating thing where he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that would be great. And have people just, uh, have somber music playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So everybody's doing this. A guy wrote in that he had to do one of these, and he wrote in that, uh, he was like, my name is Kevin, yeaah, and I killed a man. And he said the whole thing stuck, cause he was in Afghanistan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first thing that came to mind was I killed a man, he said. Cause it's big for him. But like, everyone stopped, and they were like, uhm, what? He broke through the ice. Yeaah. Somebody...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. I mean, and then he's like, then he's like, says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One verse? I'd kill myself. He was so thr- I think you should go wee, uh, and then you just hear pfft. Like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is from, uh, like a convention, corporate convention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just the guy that goes like, I don't want to sing these fucking songs. It sucks enough to work here. Splice that up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, do you remember caper? Uh, the guy that did your mom's house song. I don't know. We've got a lot of songs, but he did it like, like an actual real song about, he did another one, but he shot like a video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does that happen to you guys a lot? It's happened. Uh, do you wanna have, there's new submissions this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, somebody, this is a new one. Are you ready for this? Someone said if you feel a ship but only for it, you had yourself a fit. Someone says that. That's Trey. Someone says it's dejean poo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we call it a McConaughey due to failure to launch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. And this one's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have the perfect scenario for make, to make you, for your public queen ass ripper debut. You need to find the longest escalator or moving sidewalk you can. I try to go the whole way? I think that they're saying fart past people to get their reactions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did this before at Disney World in Hor-Man-Ho, Florida, to several groups of unsuspecting mommies. I would pay to watch this. Oh my god. It's got farts, shame and disgust, all the making of early retirement. You do the math. Bye mommy. Thanks, Jeans. Ethan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for taking the time to read this. I wish you luck in your fart mistress endeavors. Best regards, Dean's the buttplug connoisseur. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just let people know again, the special is coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna do it like in a Colin way, where it's like a, almost like a one man show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's feeling it. Of course he's feeling it. How can you not feel it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, that was a nice intro and a nice little tight little sound bite too. It was a tight bite. Tight bite. It was a tight bite. I like those tight bites, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People still call it all the time. We could take calls. We should actually maybe try to take calls if it's an easy setup. All I need is to log in and do a Gmail account and we can take calls. That's insanity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We call all the time, still, you know, all the time during the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, sometimes they just hang up, sometimes they just say something short, you know, but sometimes they go on rants and, I mean, we posted a lot of the messages that people would leave, uh, you know, on this website, gangsterpartyline.com, and there's all kinds of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, uh, just, you know, L.A., you know, put a notice up on L.A. Casting and Craigslist and, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty much it. My friend had a house that we could use, uh. Where did you hold your casting sessions? Did you find an office? Yeaah, we used my friend's family's business, uh, like on the weekend. We used an office in there and had people come in on the weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you guys are fans, I got some news for you in a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, there's gonna be more. More Gangster Party Line? Well, more Hotline videos and one more Gangster Party Line video. Oh my goodness. Really? You've been making them? Yeaah, earlier this year I made, it was a huge project, but there was uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where should we go for it? What do you like it to be played off of? YouTube? Sure, YouTube. Go to the source. Do I type in Brent Weinbach? Sure, you go to my YouTube channel, youtube.com slash Brent Weinbach. Okay, I'm gonna do that right now. And, you know, there's other cool videos there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, well, I'll get into this later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you didn't watch that video link I sent you a little while back. You told me not to. Good, good, good. Are we gonna play it today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should. Well, you can access it online, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. Where do you think he's from? Cause I know. You know where he's from? Yea, and I also, yea, I do know where he's from and I can really hear it too. Okay, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that guy mostly, mostly was improvising. I told him hit Shabbat. I said, you got some nerve calling me on Shabbat. I told him, you know, say that. I said, there's a couple other things I told him to hit, but a lot of this, he's just kind of, he was really good. I think I'd said this in the follow up video, but he was really good at improvising or doing it loose. But whenever he tried to do things by the lines, he wasn't able to give it as much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Oh man, I can't wait for you guys to see the next, the sequel to this. And off top, that was him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I guess, I don't know, I don't know, yeaah, I don't know where I think he is, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's, I think he's west coast, yea. Okay. I'll tell you more later. I'll tell you more later. Alright. And this guy? Leland? I don't know where he's from originally. He lives in, he lives in California, I don't know. Could be. Could be. I met his son recently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in the, he's in the upcoming, he's in the new one as well. Leland is? Leland, yea. Okay. Yea. There's some other fun surprises too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so there's a new gangster party line. I will say, when you see it, it's gonna seem like an overkill of gangster. The idea was just,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's for, uhm, Kevin Hart's new, uh, digital network called Laugh Out Loud Network. Uh huh. And, uh, I think it's supposed to come out in August. Okay. But, uhm. Will you let us know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, at one point, I'll be able to share the director's cuts, cause those are the ones I, you know, were, the ones I would have wanted to go out. Of course. But the ones that they have are, they're still good, but, you know, there's things that we, they want us to take out or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Laugh Out Loud Network is two minutes long for the gangster party line. The director's got three minutes, so you're getting a whole...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah yeaah, those, these hotline videos took up a lot of time this year, it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they just really liked the original, and uhm, they, they were, they kind of pitched it to me in a way. Well, I had ideas that were related to Gangster Party Line, and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just go to my Vimeo pages, vimeo.com slash Brent Weinbach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's like, uh, two minutes. Two minutes? Yeah. Okay. You guys should definitely watch it, uhm. Why don't we, can we watch it right now? Do you want to get into it now, or do you, uh, yeaah, I was gonna tell you some more about those other Hotline videos. Whatever you want. If you want, I don't know, whatever you want, actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's get a video? Yea. Okay, okay, now here's the thing. I almost don't want you to even see the title of the video. And I wonder if I should pull it up and just full screen it so you don't know what the title is even. Or do you want to know the title?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's, this one's like definitely kind of, it's a little more hardcore, so watch out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you'll like it, actually, from that perspective. Ryan Singer. Ryan Singer, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did a great job with Ryan's penis. That baby exploded his dick. He took some exercises. He had a week of preparation of just stretching his penis in and out. Let me ask you a question. Oh yea, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't disapprove of that. I'm okay with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no. Again, if I wasn't related to him, I wouldn't date my dad either, but yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They both have cool face tats. I'm down. I'm actually down for them straight up. Really? I'm down for a lot of things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm down for people to do a lot of things as long as it's not hurting anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This girl named Mom. No, I'm just kidding. Uhm, this, uh, this, this, uh, this, this woman, this young woman. She's Polly, she's bi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, yeaah, I've given her roses before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woah, that's so crazy. That is very bold. It's like, all or nothing kind of thing. That's what I would do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, did it smell like garbage? I know those garbage farts. I don't do them myself, but I have a friend, I won't mention his name, he is a comedian. Uhm, but it is, yeaah. He has these, we've talked about it on stage. Is it really him? It was, yeaah. It is, well you know what, it was more so in the past when he had a very


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems like he had a stricter vegan diet then, and he had that real...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, so you're saying if he farted on your hand now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you have done? Would you have been like, I'm outta, get outta my place. But again, it's not date three. This is like nine months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now would it, now, do you remember her first fart?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's still a thing, I mean, I think it's not just, just because he farted or in a hand, I think that doesn't necessarily, you know, make a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you know, and by the way, you guys started dating in 2005, right? And I met you guys in 2007. That's right. It was in September 2007. So it's been just about 10 years. This is a 10 year anniversary show. That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Capital. Yeaah. We took a Bat Cruise. Actually, I think that's where it was. It wasn't a museum, it was a capital. We saw a painting of George Bush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was a packed crowd. There was a game the next day, I guess. And people were in town for the game, I think. I mean, a college game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it was the Friday early show. It might have been. And it was the fullest show of the week. It was totally packed. Sold out, I think. And for the whole 45 minutes, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you did the same thing. I just remember that one show, and I do recall you doing fine, I think. Or doing well, you know? I don't remember. And uh, yeah, actually I'm almost certain you did very well. I think you probably killed, which didn't help me, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who was to know that that show was going to be such a bad show for me? But yea, the walkouts, definitely like at least a third of the crowd walked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, well I, not a headlining set, I've got, I've got a boot offstage when I was opening. You have? Like, in the, more in the past before that, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, hold on, hold on. Sorry, I don't mean to take that away. You got booed as a headlining set. Yeah, yeah. Where? Winnipeg. When? A few years ago. Really? A few years ago? Yeah. Were you getting political or something? Uhm, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. How did that make you feel, actually? That was just a few years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're just hearing people talking or just, it's so weird. It's such a surreal thing. You almost think that that doesn't happen, you know, but it does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you guys now just do, you just do like one night somewhere, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's what I try to do now, is just do one night in the city, and just have all the fans come to one show. That's the way to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't have anything major coming up. I mean, yeah, no, nothing major coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, describe her. Oh, you think it was a lady? I thought it was a man. That guy? The voice you hear? The person with their voice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I thought that was a man. No you didn't. I swear I thought that was a man. Really? Yeaah. Really? Nah, it's definitely a woman. No, I think it's a man actually. Listen to the voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, kind of messy, you know, kind of sloppy, sloppy thick. Yeah, he's eating all that moose soup. Yeah, right, he had that moose kind of, moose soup, that soupy look, moosey look, look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it's an old clip. It's an old viral clip. This lady was stealing rhubarb and sounds very similar to that. Although her voice is higher pitched and I guess that's why I thought it was a man. I thought it was just a high pitched man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't remember? I just got off of five days. You grabbed my hand, you farted on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to, I'd like to have a family, I'd like to be, you guys are, you guys kinda have what I want right now, you're starting a family, I don't know if you're trying to go for another, but, you know, and you've gotta, you know, have a house here. But not the dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah. You don't fuck with him? Nah. That's not for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, they were, they were, yeah, they were tough kids. They were, I mean, it was tough. It made me a tough person. Kind of made me a better comedian, actually. But yeah, for sure. I believe that. Yeah. Actually, a lot of the stuff in that special,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of it's older material and a lot of that stuff I was doing at that, that week that we met, you know? Yea, yea, that's why I loved it. In Austin, you know? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh. They could be, they could be anything. Mr. Pants. They could just be, they're just urbanites, you know, Indians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, my, I, I'd love for people to, like here's the thing about the special is, there is, no this is kinda like, not even on a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you can get something out of it that, you get more, if you pay close attention, I think there's more to get out of it than just the laughs. Geez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I don't want to say much more, but just, that's the thing, is if you embraced it, embrace it fully, and I think there's more to it than I think they know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want people to, uh, I just feel like people haven't been, I haven't really heard much talk of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, when I hear urban voices, I can hear the east coast. But I guess, maybe because I'm from the west coast. Yea, maybe that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so when they say, like, upper here, you know, her, you know, when they say here, her. Like, you think that's a west coast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, southern, southern, that's southern or something. Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. I really, I wanna get, I wanna see you guys react. I'll show it to you guys after the recording. Okay. Uhm, the new Hotline videos. Oh really? I think you'll be into them. You have them? I have access to them. Oh, you have access to them, okay. Uhm, yeah, one of them is like a, one of them is you can call different dads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, what I'm saying is that I can't distinguish that if they're west coast because I'm, I guess because that's normal, like that just sounds normal where it jumps out to me more if it's east coast or southern I guess, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like, you know, Hispanic people in Los Angeles who don't speak Spanish, but they do have some kind of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, it didn't seem like it was coming out of his mouth. It seemed like it was like he was playing a tape or something. It's just crazy, he had all the mannerisms down, just like that. And that was the way to do it. My sister and I, we went together, I was doing shows actually, part of the trip, but they, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went, we, every, where we ate was so bad. We got the wrong, we didn't know, we didn't even know what to order. We just pointed at stuff and just said, uh, something at the menu and got just like an ear soup or something like that. Like a soup just with ears in it. Mousse soup, mousse soup. Mousse soup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But then when we went to this restaurant with this guy, it was the best Chinese meal I've ever had. He knew how to do it. But I had this idea for a uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, a series or something, uhm, about a guy who's, he's white and he's, as a baby he's adopted by Chinese people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they bring him to China and they raise him in China fully. And so he doesn't even speak


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He speaks really poor English, and he speaks fluent Chinese, but he's white, and he has an accent and stuff, and then he goes back to the United States to kind of find his roots and stuff, and uhm, but he has this Chinese accent, and everyone thinks that he's making fun of Chinese people or something, but that's actually how he talks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But wait, wait, but is it like, she, eh, she's adopting something or, like, is she adopting the, involuntarily adopting a Chinese accent or something? Or is it that it just, she's sounding kinda weird that it sounds like a Chinese accent? Well, that's an interesting question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting. Because I was thinking, I was wondering if it was just that the head trauma or whatever it was affected her speech and it happens to sound like a foreign accent or if it's like some kind of weird thing where the brain is taking from an accent that she's heard. I think it's doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's, that's, we had a very deep conversation last time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you might be able to smell something. So you always smell your paper?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't really do such a thing as much anymore, but if I can- As much, meaning you used to. Well, I did, I used to definitely smell the paper, I wouldn't get that close though, but I would, if I could smell it from here,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then that would be, but I don't actually come to think of it, I probably don't smell the tissue anymore, but I did used to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just, I kinda just keep going, even though it takes a really long time, I keep going until it finally ends. Even though that sometimes- It doesn't though. Well, you know why? That's cause blood is starting to mix in with it, because you've wiped so much that it's starting to bleed. No. No. I think so. I feel like we talked about this last time. No. Yeah, if you keep wiping,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna, eventually you start, it starts showing up because of the blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I don't, I, you know what, it really makes me start to think that maybe, well, I don't want to say anything, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it makes me start to not trust blind people's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? There was a guy at the, uh, I don't know, it was like Ray and Stark bar or something. Is that like the Los Angeles County Museum of Art? There's a restaurant there. I think his name is Martin. Maybe he doesn't work anymore. Maybe he doesn't work anymore. He's a water sommelier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just to see what it tastes like. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, we learned so much in that episode. And you tried that really heavy on the mineral, uh, one, was like kinda salty? More than kind of. Yeaah, yeaah, did he give you that white, that one that was like a white water?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I don't want any blind listeners to be offended by what I was saying. I was just thinking, you bring up an interesting point about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure there's a way and I'm sure they probably just use a lot of water and kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess my approach would have been a little different though, you know. Well, how so? Well, I probably would have just said, uhm, excuse me, can you turn that, can you not have the volume on on this, please? Wait, you what? Can you please, cuz, not have the volume on, cuz?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's dropping a lot of cuss. He's saying cuss too. Yeah, he said, she said anybody can get it. Was this like a family reunion on the plane? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would just, this is what I would do, I would say like I said, you know, I'd say, can you turn it down, can you turn off the volume please? And then if they didn't do it, then I would call the flight attendant and say, uhm, she's not turning it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She does? Oh yea, it kinda like, it falls in line with appealing to the mainstream. Everyone can get it. Everyone can get it, cuz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Puppets, I'm sure if puppets can, I don't do puppets, but I mean, if I could do puppets, and they were cool, I would do puppets. Explosions, I would do them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I do do explosions. There are explosions. In my special, actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Versus being retarded. Well I wouldn't, would I, well hold on, I guess the question is, is would I realize it was bad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think about that too sometimes. My brother had this thought, this idea that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had this idea of maybe a movie even about a retarded person who knew they were retarded and didn't like it. They wished they were smarter. They wished they weren't retarded. And that was a thing they had to come to terms with. He had this image of a guy just looking up at the sky going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, drama, like a drama, you know? So it was serious. Yea, like a serious movie about someone who is mentally challenged and is aware of it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I probably would do this. Well, so, I can't answer this. I would say this, I'd probably pick the hacky thing because at least I can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Connecting to people on a non-retarded level, you know what I mean? And I don't mean that in any kind of offensive way or anything but just, you know, like being able to connect to people in a sort of intellectual way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I value that. I guess I value that, you know, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess I don't want to have someone take care of me. Then again, actually, getting taken care of could be fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well if I wasn't, I guess if I was retarded I wouldn't care about having a family maybe as much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that your dad wipes from back to front Does he?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you, what about you? You retarded? I would go retarded, yeaah. Yeaah. Both of you? Oh yeaah, nah you go. No, because I want to take care of our son. Yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's always, like, people sometimes say that you can't say certain things, or certain things are completely off limits, but there's always some kind of exception, or some sort of context where you can say anything, you know? Of course. Of course. Especially if you're quoting something or reading something, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not thinking of mocking noises, I just, I just like hearing the noises because it sounds so different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I guess not mock, but like, yeah, when you kind of recreate it in your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's interesting, there's interesting rhythms and tones, you know, to think about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, cause it's like, even though it's going in and out like that, I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird that it goes in and out like that. It almost seems like ineffective in a way. Why? Well, it just seems like someone should, it should happen internally, kind of, you know what I mean? Right, like the thing should say


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're lifelike. You ever, you ever busted one of those? I've never even seen one. Really? I, I wanna see one though, in person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen videos of people who, uh, show their, kind of like, do video blogs about their life living with real dolls and they treat them very...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, just that people have these, really these, like relationships, and they, they really care for these dolls. Yea, people are lonely. And you know what, I respect it and I approve it. Cause? Cause, I do indeed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plug everything. So yeaah, the SISO special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please check it out, appealing to the mainstream. It's on CISO. You can watch CISO on Amazon Prime as an add-on service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's this, this is gonna sound like a commercial, but there's a seven day free trial. And even if you don't use the trial, it's only four dollars a month. But anyway, there's a lot of other cool stuff on, on CISO. But anyway, that's the special. It's, you know, then, uh, you can check out, uh, that short film I made a few years ago called I Don't Dance. It's on Vimeo. Go to Vimeo.com slash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit. She's not even talking yet. Hold on. That was my mistake. Okay, here we go. He's reading the book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, here's a Reddit link to it. Maybe this will play. Maybe that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, security's on the way now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I saw, I've seen a couple people get accosted by the, uh, flight attendants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen somebody, uhm, I've returned to the gate before to have someone thrown off the plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I learned later, uh, I think I've told this story, but uhm, this was a lady on a small, like a regional flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she, I guess she kind of was short with the flight attendant, uh, right before we were going to take off. And the flight attendant then told the pilot and pilot was like, no. So we went all the way back to the gate. And as they were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, she lost her mind, you know, cause I had the police waiting for her and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did one, I was on a flight this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where, so this is the weirdest thing. I was in first, of course, like I'm not a piece of shit. And a guy, um, was hanging out in the galley and I heard the flight attendant go, I've told you to go back to your seat. And the guy, it was an older guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, I want to stand here. I can't. And he's like, you can't stand here. You have to go back. And then somebody in first that he knew was like, the guy, the older guy goes, he said I could have his seat and he goes, you can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, why? He goes, cause I said so. You don't get to decide that. It got heated. Then they had a pilot come out. This was already, this is midair though. This is during the flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like defiant and I was like, this motherfucker is going to cause us to land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then don't take the flight. Yea, he was like, get the fuck back there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I was boarding and I stopped to help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lady, like an older lady put her bag up and a girl, woman behind me goes, are you kidding me right now? And I turned around. Cause you helped somebody? Well, cause I, cause I was stopped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I turned around and I go, what? She's like, and I go, I'm helping her put her back. She's like, all right, but come on, man. This was like as, as I'm boarding the flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fact that she was like losing her mind and talking about bleeding out of her vagina and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I respected the guy who was trying to cover his face and cringe. That's, I identify with that guy so much. And then his laughing too because he was cringing and then shaking laughing. I felt like I was that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one you have to see, but that guy, that guy is me, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Uhm, should we play our show open here? Yeah. Do this correctly? Let's do it, man. Let's do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The finger and two girls at the same time and how to hug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just a lane to get your cock into someone else. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might be living there, but he's definitely French. This dude's first language is French.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And let me guess we should have someone else kind of take care of it for us. What should we do with it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. And some guys like it rough. What's wrong with that? What if the guy goes, I don't like to do nice touches. I like rough touches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about the, the Wham video though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what's your guess though? Let's say I go, this guy, you meet this guy, you're on the beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or half an, he jumped a half an hour with coconut oil with nice touches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sickler. You think he would do it? Yeaah. Yeaah, he would do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it would, I think it would definitely bring a new level of excitement to the situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are unfamiliar what the, uh, geo said to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a real aggressive, uh, line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, who takes- that can't be the first time he said that. I mean, was he sauced to say something like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The times that I've gone with family, my siblings, one of us always, the first thing we do is try to locate the dining room manager and say something like, we can't sit with another group. And then sometimes you have to really push to make it happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's forced. What if you, like, right away, you meet people, you're like, I don't want to have dinner with this person. That's what they're having you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then they go, they're always like, uh, no, we're from Cleveland. And you're like, okay. And they're like, hate LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only, that they feel the need to tell you. I know. No one, no one goes like, you don't go, oh you're from Cleveland? I fucking hate that place. I know. That would be rude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they'll be like, people always like, all these like, small town fucking dorks that you meet that say stuff like, they'll go, I'm not into Hollywood. And you're like, what do you mean Hollywood? They're like, ah, showbiz and the red carpet. And you're like, do you think that's everywhere? You think when I go out to dinner, it's a red carpet event? It's just a restaurant, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not into movie stars. People tell me that all the time and I'm like, okay, do you think it'll be hard to avoid them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all it is, man. Uhm, so I guess we should, we should get our cocks ready, but also, uhm, we should tell people if they don't already know what happened last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You were like, this is amazing. The ex-girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that was part of our thing was like, I mean, we thought about it and I go, I gotta do it. Uhm, you know, we wear t-shirt and jeans every day. Of course. Comics and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was like, here, this will be fun, why don't we surprise him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By dressing for the occasion. Cause I knew he, I know he has a big thing about, you know, jeans and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, dressed like a fucking bum. So it's like, let's, let's, let's do it up. Here's what happened though. I first, I bought a suit over the summer and a nice suit. I put it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, it was like a little boy putting on daddy's suit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's from the weight loss. I couldn't even cinch it with a belt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, at least two full suit sizes. So, I mean, it looked comically ridiculous. So I was like, fuck, I was kind of throwing my whole, you know, idea into...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, you can back me up on this because you've heard me say this many times. It's one of my pet peeves. It's when I watch TV and there's a, you know, a guy, especially of means, you know, a coach, athlete, Trump, some, yeah. And they're wearing a poor fitting suit. Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fabrics that he wears don't, don't do anything for him. He should be wearing thicker, he's wearing like shinier, more luxurious fabrics and he should be wearing like thicker wool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tailoring doesn't look right either. He doesn't look like he has some tailoring. And I tell you, it bothered me so much when I was looking in the mirror and I was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting ready to do, even when we got to the hotel, and I was like, I hated the way it sat on the shoulders, uh, uh, past the wrist, the pant, it looked so goofy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, I felt like I was wearing daddy's suit, like little boy wearing daddy's suit. It bothered me so much. I'm definitely going to go get another suit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think that the affection that I have for him is directly tied to, uhm, youth football. Oh. Because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I was drawn to coaches that were like that. Because they, people misinterpret the yelling for like that's uh, he's an asshole, he's mean. For me it was like the guy trying to get the most out of you. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of the times, I mean my favorite coaches ever were guys like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they would always, you know, they're the guys that you die for. Like you'd do anything for those guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but we had a delightful lunch with Pena. And uhm, you know, we really, I mean, we just kind of shot the shit caught up. He was, he was extremely, uh, gracious and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Asked questions about, you know, what we're doing. He asked questions about our business, how things like, you know, how touring works and all that and seemed interested in that. And, um, it was just, it was a, it was a nice time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got in touch with Rogan. He did Rogan's podcast. Uh, I got caught a little bit of that. I was on the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was wearing like, kinda like what we wore to lunch, yea, with the bow tie and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quite colorful. Beautiful. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ridiculous. I mean, like in the coolest way. I mean, it looked like a Versace kind of slippers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta have balls, you know, and swag to pull it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, teaching the seminar. He only does a few of those a year. It's not like a year round thing, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's an intense thing. Part of me feels like I would do that to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have, like, for the experience, if I had the time. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's really intensive too. I mean, apparently to go into that you fill out hundreds of questions. Really? Yea, yea, yea. Because it's a limited class size. It's like no more than 16 or something. 20 maybe? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and sometimes smaller and so he knows you really, really well, but I don't know. I just feel like it would be something I would enjoy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Big guy too. Yeaah. I mean like big frame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a thing though that people should know, I mean, you should know this too if you're a big guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People message me all the time that after we said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you should, you know, it's real easy to get jeans tailored just a little bit and they love it. It's the easiest thing to do when you buy jeans. Doesn't matter. You go get a pair of Levi's or whatever. Then you go to a dry cleaner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, or just whatever tailor and you just have them make a little, you know, maybe the hem a little bit up. Maybe you need the waist adjusted slightly just so that it fits you well. They look totally different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna look good. High and tight. High and fucking tight, man. Uhm, yeah, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I went out of town, I went to Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was getting real cold and then I did Boston. Amazing time in Boston. That city always is fucking incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the Wilbur, it's just like, it's a magical place for stand-up. I don't know what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Savvy. Fun. Crowds are awesome. Yea, I had a great time. Great time. Uhm, so thanks to everybody that came out to those shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, why don't we, uh, yeaah. I've never heard you this excited. Ever. About anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jean got herself an eyewatch and, uh, you would really think, you'd think she'd been in a cave for the last 25 years and she wasn't aware of, uh, I don't know, any smart technology because I've never heard you like, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny thing is that they've been out for, you know, a while now. How long?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I thought you, when you were, when you started showing interest, I was like, you're definitely not gonna wear that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You still, well, occasionally put one on and you'll wear it, you know, for a minute, but you don't regularly do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The computer, the pooter here, the sound drop one, and they fixed it and then I realized that I had an older one that has an issue, not the same issue, kind of an issue like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when I pick this one up, I go, can you look at this one? You gotta make an appointment. I'm like, come on man, you're right here. He's like, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, help. Please. You know, there's a store where you walk in, someone meets you and they have to go like, what do you need?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also you start getting tied into your products being tied to each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you might go, I wanna, I want an Android, I want a different phone. But then you start to think-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you can, but you start to think, will this be a headache, and do I want to deal with that? That's the problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I wanna break free, I wanna try other things, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not. I just, they, I just have products and like I said, they're tied together. So I go, I'll just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easy. E is convenience, but that doesn't mean I don't want to try like an android, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know and I love it with the, I like the pushy button. Me too. With the actual keyboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had girls night out too. I did. That was a baaast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, uhm, we should do this while, uh, while we can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blood dunza, the instrumental.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna be in Green Bay, uh, Wisconsin. Jeans? Jeans hay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeans, gay, jeans, gay jeans. Wisconsin. Uh, one show this Thursday. Come out if you're in Wisconsin. Uh, Friday at the Trois Royal Oak. I'm doing that. And then Saturday and Sunday, Chicago. The Vic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are still some tickets left if you live in Chicago, Chicago, Illinois for the Sunday Later Show. Uhm, then after that, I'm going to a bunch of places. Burlington, Vermont, Titsburg, uhm, New Haven, Connecticut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, Washington, Dickham, those are all sold out. Uhm, I added a show in Portland, Portland, Oregon, May 13th, Eugene


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oregon Mates Wealth, uh, Meat Rattle Washington Seattle is, uh, has been added as well. I added a late show there. April 14th. So, you can get tickets to that shit, dog. And, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, next week, next week I have a big announcement. It's already, it's already signed. You know about it already, but I can't announce it yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Save it. Save it. Oh, and I was supposed to say that, uh, 420 Bro, uh, Dallas, Fallis, Texas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I added a show and then I go to Juustin, Texas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this I thought you might like. I don't know if you'd seen this or not, but I had this pulled for you. Oh. That you might enjoy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sitting like that? She's crazy! She's not even sitting in a chair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got that big ol' chest piece. But disco tits. Man, what do you think those weigh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think pants off for men is like a big thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just walk around your boxers. I love walking around my boxers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe some ball, kickin', punchin'. Your favorite, your wheelhouse. Little jitterbuggin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I really applaud an old guy going in for surgery doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This really might be my last hurrah here. Give me a good ol' spang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was looking for the, I don't see the clip for, she asked him what's the, they asked her what's the weirdest request.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wouldn't suck off a child for $10,000? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. On the Ferris wheel. Of course, if it meant I'm not retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that was the best part that we forgot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, at, at uh, lunch with Dampania, he said retard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's an app. I don't know if I want to, should we tell, should we say the app? Does it matter? Don't say the app. Don't give them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's an app where you can, you can be anywhere. You can be at home, you can be in a city. I mean, not everybody, not every city obviously. It's kind of like Uber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Costa Rica, but I don't know if they have them there yet. But anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So massage therapists sign, who basically work anywhere can also join this and then they're on, they're basically, they get a ping just like you would if you were an Uber driver. Do you want to go take this appointment? Like that. So you put in your request, I want 60 minutes, 90 minutes. Uh, this is the time and this is the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had a long week, I'm in the hotel and I go, get a nice massage, go to bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I use the app, person can, they send you a confirmation, someone's coming at this time, you know, that's all you, whatever. And then the person texts you, oh, you're at this hotel? Yeah, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shows up, it's like Karen and Trish came to life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris and Traryn showed up at the same time. Oh my life. Uhm, you know, a little beat down, a little down on life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was really flattered that prior to her coming up, she had a nice cigarette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also too, when you're on a massage table, if you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's, you know, massaging and then I heard her go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It went off, and uh, she apologized. Turned that off. Uhm, she was nice enough, but she also was, she tried to start conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so she was like, uh, where you from? And I was like, Los Angeles. Yeah, you in town for work or? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please stop. She picked up on that. Uhm, I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was falling asleep. See, a lot of times if you get, if you get massaged regularly, you'll know that, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes when, especially when you're face down, they can't see your face. So they'll, the massage therapist will whisper to you a very calm, soothing, almost halfway asleep voice. They'll say, you doing alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that you feel it gently. Right, tell him, tell him, it's time to turn over now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take your time, take your time. So, I'm in that part where you're not quite asleep, you're definitely not fully awake, and then I hear a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. I mean, she said it so close to me and so loud that I almost shit my pants. I almost shit on her table. And I was like, yeah. She was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cigarette breath was hard. The hands, luckily, cause I was also like, oh, sometimes therapists start with their hands under the table so you can smell them. They'll have aromatherapy on them. And I was like, oh man, our hands are gonna stink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But right away she had some lotion on them, so it was masking the cigarette smell there. It was definitely on the breath. There was no attempt to mask either, which I also appreciated. There was no gum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, what percentage of the time do you think do you normally run into a non-smoker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I started to smoke when I was 25. Which is late in life. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I started to enjoy it more around shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I just, uh, at a certain point I was like, I gotta, I gotta stop doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, last week after the momcast was done,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you all know we love the movies, and we went to a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's talking about it. I've been dying to see it since I saw the trailer a couple of months ago, and that is, uh, Jordan Peele's movie, Get Out. Um, I really, really enjoyed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's a couple things we should, I guess we could start at the 12 Years a Slave. I thought with the name of the movie and the press that the movie was getting, uhm, that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you might have known how not funny it was going to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's moments of funny, Tarantino, yeaah. This is not that. Anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you asked me, I remember I had just gotten back from overseas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I was, I was so jet lagged. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I was like, you'll love it. It's really funny. And I passed out. And then when you were like, there's nothing funny in that, I couldn't believe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's the point in the movie where you ask me if the movie was, you're like, this is fucked up, was in the beginning, there's a murder, one of the white, he kills a guy and throw him off the back of the ship. You're like, oh my God, is this going to be like this? And I go, no, it gets really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, but I really didn't think that you bought into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize. You're the worst. So, but this time I didn't, come on, this wasn't that level of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, yeah, the, the setup is that it, you know, I would say it deals with race and it deals with, uh, race relations in a really clever story, um, and there's so many,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, wrote it and directed it, and it did, it was made for four and a half million dollars. Oh my god. And over the weekend it crossed a hundred million dollars. Amazing. Excellent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a theatre experience. This will be different if you rent it. If you rent it when it gets to iTunes, if you see a screener or something. This is a fun movie theatre experience. So my advice is that if you're considering


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going to the movies, see that movie, because it's gonna be out of the theater soon, you know, these movies don't, it's already done a run, if you think about it, movies now are in theaters for like two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I would go see it, try to go see it at a black...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that would be uhm, that's something we can, we can set that up. I think we can. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you make an, uh, why don't you make a new album and call it Easy Cracker? You should do that. Fuckin' cracker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a really perverse satisfaction that I get from watching them make it, showing it, wanting to eat it, and then not eating it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and some of them make, also there's an artistic element where things are, are beautiful and all those British teeth and it's just all so nice and wonderful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think I'm most thinking I might actually do my whitening trays tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened? What's going on with you? I've been- I'm not trying to show off, but I've been doing so well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you made changes yesterday, cause you had trouble yesterday, and then you said, oh, I'm gonna have some, what, some fruit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you were breaking it down for me. I started to laugh. Yeah. And the laughing prompted me to go. Isn't it? I gotta go. I gotta go now. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. Just the way it goes. The way it goes. Pretty lucky guy. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. I feel bad for you actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you guys know that we have a Facebook page and we post some stuff there. We've been doing actually Facebook live videos after the podcast is done recording. So like when we're done with this right now, we'll post a video live from here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so that's something that we started doing, and anyways, there's that, but there, some fans that listen to the show started a live, or a Facebook group it's called, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A Facebook group. You have to join. There's your Moms House Podcast page, that's us, and then there's your Moms House Podcast group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are killing it. I mean, and people are posting stuff all the time and the comments are fucking hysterical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not disappointed. I was pleased to see that he finally took Christina's advice to perform his jokes as a mentally challenged person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was overwhelming to be in the presence of greatness. He was perfection in human form.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they're doing like, dad posts, uh, brown posts, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a long time, a long time, people always asked us to do something besides.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh good. So we finally did a hoodie. This is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A super, super soft hoodie. Like you know, there's that material that's very soft, kinda lighter hoodie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Singular, because that's our new name, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jean Saint Jean. Jean Saint Jean. This came in, I haven't heard it, but I'm already excited. Mila Kunis? Yea, Mila Kunis, I like her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's great. Do you think, what do you think her friend's situation's like? What do you think her dating situation's like? What do you think her parenting situation's like? Go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fanny fart. A fanny is your cooch. Yeah. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's using the same principles of changing the pitch of your butt farts with her fanny farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's telling you if you move your legs like this and up or down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was really special. I was really disappointed that I couldn't get them in sequence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure it would come up. I'm sure it would come up. I don't think that you could have that out there and me be like, I'll just overlook that completely. No, I would ask about it. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see if this says anything here. Dad boner goes to the park, feed birds, and he's stoked by how many there are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa, something tells me he's not from Boston? Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's definitely excited, but he doesn't have that dad vibe necessarily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got the beat to fill her up from Olly Zeezer and wrapped over it. Very cool. That's what this is. Very cool. To fill her up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You dummy. Uh, it's Ramsey McQueen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, as always, thank you for listening. Go to yourmomshousepodcast.com, thompsdegro.com for tickets to shows. Uh, also the store is there if you want the jean hoodie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And thousandranch.com for Jean, uh, to get tickets to her show. Uhm, I think that's it, Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's all this fucking nonsense? Those are all his, uh, lesson plans, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was Chuckles. It's really funny. Keely. Pretty good, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has, uh, man, he has some of those just in the chamber always ready to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we just, yeaah, we just need to read some jokes. It'll definitely, it'll definitely kill. Anything. Any street joke. But especially blonde. Blonde in Polish. She likes the dumb lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets thrown in that like, oh, he's a redneck guy, but like some of those are pretty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm saying in that lane of, you might be a redneck, some of them are, you know, he wrote probably a thousand of them, but some of them are really fucking funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I have my beverages lined up, if we could go over them real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four episodes. I have a Zevia, which I'm a big fan of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always been good at, you know, being modest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's, uhm, let's pull this out, fart these jeans away. Ready? Yeah. Let's do it, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. I love it. Uhm, just for our people who have been following the audio saga, uh, I just hired an audio engineer. Thank god. Fuck. Such so annoying. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So maybe by next week it'll be fixed. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of holding in, so you held in that burp, do you remember what happened, uh, last week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So, but we did it, you know, somewhat healthy style because we did the meat, but we did, uh, lettuce wraps instead of shells, right? And then you have some cheese and whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that's our version, you know, of Mexica. Anyways...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we had mom-sages in the evening. Probably three or four hours after we ate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, like as soon as I laid on that table, I was like, I got some farts right at the door too. Like they were like, excuse me, like knocking on the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did, and you know, I remember really having to focus and kind of feeling like you can't really relax, you know? And then, I mean, I held them for a while, and they were fighting, you know, they wanted to come out. And then, probably about an hour into it, I feel like, wow, they're totally gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the neat part of the story. So, it was it, like, you know, after it was over, everything was fine. I didn't really have those farts anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But after, I mean, I guess I clenched for a while. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, all of a sudden we're back at, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, I don't know where they are. And I'm curious, because I could feel that they were really there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, I didn't really feel them anymore. I just go like they're, I don't know where it is. They're just gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the next morning though, I have a early flight, so I get up before you're up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go down to the kitchen, I make myself a cup of coffee, and I start ripping like 15 second parts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was something. Something was going on. And I realized those farts that I held.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 12 hours earlier or whatever, we're finally finding our way out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, three's still pretty healthy. I mean, one and two are pretty hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you didn't have farts during that montage? No. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a nerd. Remember at the, uh, at that toast, that, that national thing though, she was drunk. She was like fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really funny. Uhm, well that was something, I mean I'm glad you were able, but we also discovered something else that we haven't brought up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So everybody's always like, oh my god, I'm dreaming of a double pipe classic. When will it happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does this count? And there's, you know, I sneezed and I, of course not. So a double pipe classic, if you don't know, is an expression I coined. I'm very proud of that. And it's when somebody burps and farts at the same time. Um, it is, it's really,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quite rare, uh, and really a moment to celebrate. And most people go quite some time without experiencing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, I've met people, you know, whenever I meet somebody and they have the Double Pipe Classic shirt, I go, did you earn it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think I've had three or four, so. Oh, stop. I'm serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, we're talking to one of your sources, who I think has her first. She just had her first. She has her first, and she goes, I think I might know the secret to it. So we, you know, we stop what we're doing, we put the baby on the ground, like what? And she said the key to it all might be to be constipated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're constantly kind of, you know, doing a little extra grunt, right? So maybe in the world of that, so in a way here, and I'm sorry to tell you this, we're going to encourage you to dehydrate yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead and slow down your consumption and see if maybe you can get lucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like that little Dominican guy. Remember? He looks like a kid. He was really fired up. I don't know why that's in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, my favorite part about this is that this is real. A guy called on the, like the 1-800 number for that, you know, the actor Jeffrey Dean Morgan sausages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uh, 800 number where I guess people can leave a message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy left a long message where he's really upset that they changed the size of the sausages they sell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so five people. Five people each have three eggs, it's fifteen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. Maybe they heard this one message and they're like, we gotta read it. I always wonder that when people are leaving a message like that. Do you think they're gonna say, oh, fucking Roger said to change our size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up? Hold on. Alright, we're back. Uhm, no, I know, the severity of making that call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see how, it is interesting, don't you think, that when you do, when your message changes to that, then they just probably disregard your message. They're probably listening to his message. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's what it's about. I learned this too. I learned this from doing it the other way. You basically have to complain to the people you're complaining about in the way that they respond to. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're in a high end place, you have to complain the way a high end, like the way they would respond to it, which means you have to keep your composure


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't curse, you can't get all out, they're not going to respond. What they respond to in like a nice hotel or a nice restaurant is if you complain about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, maybe on a shooting range in fucking Arkansas. Right. I don't know if doing that that way would, maybe there you gotta be like, hey this is fucking bullshit man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what Dominicans respond to. See? You spoke their language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're like, ah, I saw it like kind of for a second. It was like, yeah, it kind of came in and out and I was like, we have it all the time. And he was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so ridiculous. It's crazy. Speaking of uhm, you said, uh, white complaints? Yes, how white people complain. No, yesterday were the Oscars, the ultimate white event. And last year, you know, Oscars so white was trending. It was a big thing about not having people of color nominated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black winners, a black bummer won best picture. Right. You know, that's usually a white category. Bummer of the year. Bummer. And this year is a black bummer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy's a really good actor too, I like him. He's on House of Farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is gay, black, in, like what it's like to, this is what I've heard, gay, black, in inner city Miami. So in other words, like in a place where like, that shit's not celebrated, like the struggle of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't say era. Uhm, I don't know. I think it's contemporary. No? Yeah, I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I have, you know, I grew up a couple hours and I say this, people at times are like, you say you grew up in like all these places. Yeah, I grew up in a bunch of places. Yeah, you moved around a lot. When I, I lived for a few years and most of my high school years were in a few hours north of Miami and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, you know, some friends from down there, lived down there, and they said they were overly sexualized at a much younger age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a super latin hypersexual culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has a huge Latin population. The Dominicans specifically, within Major League Baseball, like the Pro Baseball League in America, they, he said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 99% of the time, shower separately from the rest of the players.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a regular practice. It is known amongst major league players that you don't shower with the Dominicans, the Dominicans shower by themselves. And the reason is because they get overtly sexual, um, to the point, but like it's cool with each other, but like dick slaps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they know that those guys aren't gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody else is cool with their shower behavior. So they let them, they said, he said like they all shower. So this is like a guy who went into detail about it. And, uh, you know, I don't want to say his name, but he told me, you know, he was in the league for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ten seasons or, you know, and he played on a few different teams, he said every team the same way. How funny. Dominicans are showering, everybody else showers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a less, yeah, more homophobic, less accepted that to be like a young gay black guy. So, I mean, but look, it just won.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best picture, best supporting actor, best original screenplay, or best adaptive- Best black bummer. Best black bummer of the year!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It opens at a traffic jam and a car is like on uhm, what's it called? One of those, you know, where they, a moving shot where it's like, it's going past all the cars and it stops at this one car where this girl's like, uh, over it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she gets out of the car and a musical starts and I go, exit. That's how much I watch. I won't watch it. I have no interest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll do things like, do you really wanna go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of furrow the brow. Are you sure you want to go to that? You don't want to go to a Laker game? Maybe more fun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next week I'm going to, uh, Bethlehem, the Sands Casino, Bethlehem PA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Israel, and then, Foxwoods, on the 10th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Foxwoods Comedy Club Resort and Casino, but I'm at the, uh, the Foxwoods Theater. Uhm, one show one night, then Boston for three nights, or excuse me, three shows. The following week,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Green Bay, Royal Oak, and Chicago. That's the big add-on for me right now, is that I added Chicago. March 19th, if you live there, you have, I guess around three weeks, uh, to get those tickets, but that show is moving. That's the only added show for that. Washington, D.C.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, I added a 10pm show on April 6th. The other one is gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burlington, Vermont, I added the early show, April 8th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Seattle, Meat Rattle, Washington, I added a late show on Friday the 14th. That is on sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dallas, Texas sold out the House of Blues, so I'm adding the House of Blues in Dallas. Tickets go on sale this Friday. That'll be the Late Show in Dallas. 420, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super high. And then I added two more shows. May 12th, Eugene, Oregon. Go Ducks. I'm going to do a show at the McDonald Theater. And then May 13th.