[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did they run after you when you were? Not after, that guy was too messed up I think, like, but I was still just so nervous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People being drunk and silly. I, I think, I mean, I, I've been in a lot of like heightened situations, but I've never had the like flight response. But that really felt like I had a voice in my head that was like, you're going to get killed. It was really scary. It was weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I went to the cops, the cops ended up saying that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They basically thought I made it up and at one point I was told over the phone from a detective that, uh, they basically started accusing me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This lawyer buddy of mine told me about this program that could help with my medical bills, like through the state for situations like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, but because I technically wasn't hit by anyone, and there was no witnesses, they just kind of hinted that like, hey, he just called me and the first thing out of his mouth was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, something like, if you're making this up, you're going to go to jail for a while. And I was like, you think I fucking made this? I started screaming at him, but then that feels weird. Cause like to yell at a detective, like how do you handle that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I mean, it, in the end, like, they, he still didn't really back down, and then I took a lawyer down to the police station.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that really like changed it. The guy like, and once I sat down with the detective and like showed him with detail by detail, knowing everything that happened, he kind of was like, okay, this guy is bullshitting. And then like six months later I get a letter that was like, basically like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We think this happened, but they couldn't even like fully like, we're sorry, you know, like it was terrible. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I still think, chances are, you can't, you're not gonna hook up with this lady. No, it's your roommates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's your roommates. So, I mean, I think you still just own it. I think just go in there, eat some Indian food, and just really let it go, and yeah, just announce it, make light of it, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Setting your alarm at 4.30 to go take a monster dump. But then if you wake everybody up, it's oof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can for sure see that guy like dragging a body behind him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks a little like, uh, Eric Banna in the eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm actually opening for him next month. I mean, I'm glad I'm opening. I'm not following that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy or the girlfriend looking guy? Who's weirder in their downtime? Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I could, I thought about just making some fart tracks at the end of my album just to end it and I think that would be much better than what's going on there. I think that would have been amazing if you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should have had some bonus parts. It'd be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pictures of assholes, but then they like turn it into like the deeper meaning behind this, you know, colonoscopy scan is whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I at urinals do the full on. I go all the way to the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, no, not at all. It just, uh, really creeps people out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it just depends on the, the wear. A real baller move is those like, NBA slip away pants where you just, boom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember being on the road for like 10, 15 years after that came out? People, there were still comics you'd come across that were like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he ended up making her, making his life, she made his life complete in the end. I think he was fine with it. I like, look at how happy that guy was. He was fine with it, cause it feels good to come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I think there was someone that weighed in last time and said that, like, she did try to hook him up with a HJ or something, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he did do everything, so yeah, who would judge what he can come and not come, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna jerk off for sure. Are they wearing like, the color-lensed kind? Oh my god. That makes it even more terrifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With us growing up, the pictures, you know, like the real photographs, so we don't have the constant evidence that like, I went through some weird phases, nothing that fucking crazy, but that person forever just has this stamp of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they have kids, like, yep, there you were, just being a dinosaur. Getting your fuck on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, I need to get back to that. I lost myself. I'm a businessman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, countless times. I mean, I was, I was, but I feel like more like middle school, junior high. You're like figuring it out and you're just so terrible, but yeaah, it's that immediate like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, it was like a, you can't go back and, this was before you could even like, did you like your message? It was before that stuff where it was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is it. So you keep, kinda like that guy where it's like, but he could have edited that, or done it over, but it's like, you just keep going, you're like, oh I gotta dig out of this hole, so you keep going in deeper and deeper, but that guy had options. I know. I hope this doesn't scare you. If you say that then it's fucking terrifying, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We hung out one night in New Orleans. We met on the streets of Austin after, it wasn't Katrina, but whatever it was before that. And she was just like, had to like get out of town. She's in Austin partying. Run into her. We hit it off. She's real cute. We go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, I was like, uh, she was only in for that night, but I was like, I was randomly going to be in New Orleans two weeks later for the first time. And she's like, hit me up. Let's hang out. So I go, I hang out with her. I mean, she was just, she was stunning. We had a really good time and then we make out some stuff happens. Uh, and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was right after that movie Punched Rock Love came out. Right. And there's a, there's a scene, I love that movie. It's great. And uh, there's a line that Adam Sandler says, you're so beautiful, I just want to smash you in the face with a sledgehammer. Yes! And I said that to her. And uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without context, if she has not seen the film, uh, yeaah, she immediately was like, well, we're going, like she-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sent that same girl like a letter later to kind of try to apologize, but it probably came off as like that guy's video, I'm sure. Oh yeaah. It ended with chow, and I hope this isn't crazy, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you've seen the Steven Seagal music videos, right? What, you mean like him playing guitar? Yea, his albums. Yea, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, used to hang out outside of my apartment in Koreatown. They'd always just be passed out playing with his belly button. Ugh, I miss that guy a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he still around there? Oh, I'm not there anymore. Oh, okay. Hopefully. Yeah. Hopefully so, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a dude in Silver Lake now that like, he's always on a little scooter, and at one point the McDonald's near us burnt down, and so they had their giant M just on the ground, and a friend of ours saw him, he rolls up on his little rascal,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even think he needs it, like he's just lazy or whatever. Gets up off the rascal, gets the M, puts it on his shoulder and just zzzz and zips off. And it's right outside of his house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While she's doing it, just like, well fuck it, I'll fight fire with fire, and just let that lady panic, like, my dentist is not, maybe I should get off this phone call. The level of fucking obliviousness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the airport? Yea, at the airport, you know, just let it, just scream it now. But you hear that at the airport a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doug, where can people sweet to you coming up here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I got a couple of fun L.A. shows. I wanna plug, uh, Golden Hour. Should be fun, but I can't think of the venue. And then, uh, Stories in L.A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good Heroin, stories I like. Oh, Good Heroin shows good, yeaah. What's your website? That's the 22nd, uh, dougmiller.com, or just find me on all social media and yeaah, you can find me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Wow. What's your title?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't come to practice. It can be one practice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The talk about it is easy to sum it up when you just talk about practice. We sitting here, I supposed to be the franchise player and we in here talking about practice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a, not a, not the game that I go out there and die for and play every game like it's my last. Not the game. We're talking about practice, man. I mean, how silly is that? We're talking about practice. I know I'm supposed to be there. I know I'm supposed to lead by example. I know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm not, I'm not shoving it aside, you know, like it don't mean anything. I know it's important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, my first gangbang, I didn't know, like, you're supposed to empty the saline out of the enema things, so it like, really did the laxative effect, and I just like, volcanoed shit, like, all over everybody, and it was like, the worst, and like, I was crying in the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we please talk about, so we get obsessed with shows. Well let's play the show open real quick. I'm fighting whenever we're doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get it. Yea girl. Good for you. She's fired up. I like the heat!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like the world would be a better place, like to stand up for yourself and not take any shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot less Harvey Weinstein action happening in the world, you know what I mean? Striking back. You think you can take advantage of her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that's what the internet's for. A lot of people, it functions as a place to just let your rage out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oof. I don't even want to say it, but the R word. Uh, you think she's been called? I don't think she seems that way. But, you know, hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goodness, I mean, you know, she's, she's maybe not as sensitive to the word as we are, cause she's of a different culture, so we're gonna be a little forgiving here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Similar. Simular, sorry. Simular. Simular. I think she might be Thai.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, well I'll tell you why. I'm a huge fan of the reality genre. I love it. I feel as though...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I haven't seen you this joyful since you got into your Narcos, uh, telenovela.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we pause frequently. See, the thing is, with us as a couple, everyone's like, you guys love each other so much, there's so much love, and I'm like, you know, a lot of our relationship, we're united by stuff we hate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's actually our ability to sit down and watch a show like that and criticize the shit out of people we don't even know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what I was wondering, the breath alone is such a deterrent for me and somebody's mouth being that jacked up. Like, what did she like about him? I'm not sure we know. That's the problem with these couples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, but my least favorite one actually is the Florida, the acting couple or the guys like 60 and she's 22 and she was homeschooled and she grew up in a religious upbringing so she's totally socially


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's scarier for that guy. He's really taking advantage of her naivete.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I almost, I have more respect for the trophy wife and the older gentleman couple. Just because there's an even exchange of power. There's an even exchange. It's good looks and getting laid for money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Older guy, younger woman, but she's hot, he's got the money, so there's an exchange, there's a contract. But when the balance is totally not fair, where it's like she's, you know, 17 when we met, homeschooled, totally naive, you know, you know the world, bro. You know what you're fucking doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he ain't that wealthy. You know what I'm saying? Like, she's doing her own dishes and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who her 28 year old boo boo is doing her toenails. Filing her nails and her feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's touched. He's touched too. So she's taking advantage of some nice looking touched guy. You know what I'm saying? Yea, he's touched. He's really touched. He's definitely R worded. And she's taking advantage of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is, it is fucked up too as a spouse where you just let yourself go. It's not fair. It's not fair to do to somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what qualifies anybody to be a critic? I mean, even if you look at


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, so you're a failed filmmaker yourself, and that qualifies you to criticize other people how?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Top 10 specials. I'd be like, alright, that's fucking Bill Burr. Let's listen to that guy's opinion on, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not only that, there's a lot of good movies that they got terrible scores on. I know. You and I, why don't we totally discredit when we're going through the iTunes or something? Like, I don't even listen to that guy. Let's see if it's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can pick terrible reality shows and I can make animal noises.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, wow. Hmm. Can you wiggle your ears?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about the offer from that gentleman in his apartment? Should we play that for time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's been a while since you've been in your mom's house. You should know what we're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's so funny you said that your parents would send you to Peru. And my parents, uh, let my friend, my best friend Shana and I go in the summer of 94. We were 17 years old, not yet 18.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad, like, just let us go to Hungary, and this is right after communism fell. This isn't only two years after the Iron Curtain fell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Budapest was still, it's like pretty much corrupt still, run by the Russian mafia. The apartment that we stayed at didn't have a phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's got to feel so displacing. That one thing I didn't like about being on the road was that the constant living out of the suitcase, like when Tom and I were really hardcore road dogs, there was a few years there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where, you know, you go out Wednesday, you come home Monday, and then you reset it. Was just living out of a suitcase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's funny cause Tom and I are the complete opposite of you guys. Like when, if I would go on the road with him, like years ago, uhm, I would never go to his show. And like, pretty much vice versa. I don't think you ever just sit and watch me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's so funny, Tom and I talk about that, like, in our business, you're never, ever enough on the food chain. Like, no matter how successful you are, you're always a piece of shit to your agency managers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and then they tell you, oh, we gotta back out this amount from your pay. Cause it costs me like, you know, five grand in advertising. You're like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to. Or the ubiquitous radio spots, where they're like, oh, we spent thousands on radio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's really hard to trace, like. You should be like, why would you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite story in the world, Chad Daniels, who's hilarious, who you're friends with, you guys did that documentary together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he did some club, I won't say where, and the guy, the owner of the club, pays you a different rate, contingent upon what time of year you do the club. So in the summer, let's say he'll pay you $1,500, but in the winter it's $2,000. And so Chad goes in the summertime and he's working out new material.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the club owner is like, upset with that, cause you know, Chad's working it out, so it's not like, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, he's super funny, he's a really funny comedian. And so the owner is like, hey man, what the hell, like you came and you did all this new stuff, like you're not killing? You know, what the fuck? And he goes, well, he goes, I'm doing my summer set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somerset. I mean, have you ever heard of that? I didn't know that the club- I never- I know the clubs-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they teach you that stuff. Clouds, rain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. You know, it's interesting, Tom. I think we can trace Bird is Fat to that time we put Jay Pardue's picture up naked, remember? That's true, yea. And then one of us was, I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was in a film and he was nude in a film and we were watching it and then we brought it up on the show and we were like, God, that guy, look at that belly. It looks like Bert's belly. I think that's how this thing kind of started rolling with Bert being fat. It's this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the future, you're the future of comedians. That's what eventually we're all gonna be world tourers. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could. I'm just lazy and, you know, I'm gonna have two small people to look after. Maybe in a few years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, says the person without a toddler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people do, they're very brave, but Tom and I, it's just not in our constitution, like we've traveled with Ellis twice now on an airplane, and I think I had more anxiety, you know, it just makes me so anxious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, you can tour with your child, definitely. Like, uh, Allie Wong, our good friend, brought her daughter with her, you know, the first couple years of her life. So, I think it's really up to the parent. You know, it's like what you're comfortable with and you can train them. Allie loves it. She, you know, she has help that she brings, like her mom, I think, or whatever. But anyway, uh, yeaah. I just pictured that person on the plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They looks, yeaah. Pissy looks. They look, they look. Uh, but if you do it early, like you fly like when that kid's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Free rent, you get a lease on a key. Fuck me. Piss off, you beat me at home, you know. You see me, wanna come over today and try it out? Try it out, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, January 12th, my 8 o'clock show sold out at the Ice House in Pasadena. So we've added a 10 o'clock show. So get your tickets now. That is coming up soon. That is this Friday. So Christina P online for those tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] February 2nd and 3rd, February. See, I didn't say it right. Right, you said it wrong. February, it's February. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] February 23rd, one night, one show, only Calusa Casino in Calusa, California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] March 30th and 31st, Portland, Oregon, at the Hiriam Comedy Crub. Christina P. online for your ticks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I've, I've gotten those. I had a guy who was so, he loved my special until I made fun of Dick Clark. And for him, Dick Clark was the gold standard and he was very upset with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also too, you know, with, I've been reading about the offense people have been taking. Not people, I should say. I should say the writers, the, uh, the PC people that are going after Chappelle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and my favorite, I read an article, it was like, you know, he's unsympathetic to trans people, and he should be more sympathetic to trans people of color.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As if to imply that Dave Chappelle is not only responsible for one type of trans, but he should be thinking of the spectrum of all types of people with all types of gender identity and colors and like he can't be responsible for all of it guys. Like he's just a man with his point of view trying to make some jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just thousands of them. A sea of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it was super funny when you recorded it. I was there for that. You looked great, sounded great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the material is outstanding. I think people are, uh, your fans are gonna be very happy with this one. I hope so. I hope so, yeaah. It's a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I've read about, uh, some big actors that go to other countries. Aren't you telling me that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, you know, I don't know what it is about the Star Wars casting, cause we just saw the latest installment, and everybody's fucking in a dog city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why they can't cast attractive actors to play the leads. Everybody's a fucking bowser. It's a dog pound, as you would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I mean, look, I'm not, I personally, I don't find him sexually attractive, maybe some women do, but I feel like he's not very traditionally handsome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or paint more of those black scars on your face, like the stitching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And no spoiler, I'm not gonna spoil or alert or anything, or whatever the word is, you're ruining the plot for me. They, they, Luke Skywalker does make an appearance, okay, and we know that he was, he goes to the island of the gurus or wherever he's from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, annoying to us as viewers, they don't address the biggest issue, which is how does he masturbate because there's no internet connection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird that he lives in like a brick hut, so we, we didn't get to see how he shits or where he shits, which I think that's the first


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And nobody eats ever in these films, which makes me crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you'd think the Wookie would take Wookie-sized dumps too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and it's annoying because he and C-3PO, or no, R2-D2, they both say the same phrases, like, and then the other, the human understands it. Yeah, always. Oh, you mean you want to go outside, Chewie? Like, that sounded exactly the same as everything he's been saying for 20 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think George Lucas studied, uh, Japanese and then wrote the language?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it's fair to equate, uh, Chinese or Japanese with the Wookie language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's pretty accurate. I keep mixing them up. R2D2 is the tiny one, C3PO is the uptight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's totally gay, right? Oh, Master Luke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think, so you think George Lucas wrote him as like the gay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell ya, your title has slipped off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much in the last couple of years. Why do you gotta remind people? First of all, that opening clip, was that my stepdad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fun joke. And three Indian stepsisters, so true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we ate a lot of curry and he talked a lot of shit, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not this, no, no, he spoke really good English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every now and then it would come out, but it was not thick. Cause he came to the US when he was like 28 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but, but you forget that they were taught English cause, you know, the British took over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] India, so I'm assuming he learned English early in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's, I do think it is cultural for Indians to become more animated and to use the hand. He did a lot of the hand gesturing that you see in the movies, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the head-bobbling stuff, he did that. He was more...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I stepped out a point like that too. Yeah. So funny. Yeah. Yeah. Same gesture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We used to, I don't know if I told this one, but we, one time we stopped for, he used to love pistachio ice cream, and we'd go get it thrifties, which is the right aid now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time we were, we go, let's go, let's go get pistachio ice cream. I go, great. We get in the car. He goes, hold on, I gotta do something. Gets out of the car, stabs a guy's tire, gets back in the car. We get pistachio ice cream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And at the time, my mom was in the car and I was like, did he just stab that guy's tires? And my mother was just laughing and she was like, well, he fucking deserved it, so we had to show him this motherfucker. I was like, whoa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some guy that he'd done business with. How old were you? We had our lawn set on fire once. Uh, he had his windshield shot out on the freeway by somebody he'd done business with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's different man. Didn't pay taxes for like a decade. That'll do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They all say what the fuck man, yeaah. What the fuck man? That's in a lot of 80's movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Assault, assaulting me? Oh, assaulting at me. He means you're assaulting me.


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[Assistant] I think I like, uh, foreign arguments more than I like white trash arguments that we play.


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[Assistant] You know like trashy white people, I don't know, this is more fun.


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[Assistant] My favorite story is your senora that you lived with. Come down for breakfast. Tell your story.


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[Assistant] I bet that's nice. I feel like women should have boxers too. Yeah. Yeah, how come you guys get to have these like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awesome shorts basically you wear under your stuff and then we have to wear like tight stuff around our cootches and the truth is our genitals suffer more by being


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[Assistant] Let your vagina breathe. That was my mother's big one. You must let your vagina breathe at night. Don't wear underwears.


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[Assistant] For heart and thirst, fuck yous. He's saying fuck yous.


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[Assistant] I think, I bet you Victoria Bitters is like a ghetto ass brand or something.


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[Assistant] I mean, you've pointed this out a lot and now I'm starting to notice how people age.


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[Assistant] Not so much that they age, but it's in the how and you can really see how people have been living it.


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[Assistant] Dependent upon, like, do they look like this? Is their skin red, leathery? Do they look like they've been drinking their whole lives? Do they have the distended, hard belly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. Speaking of that, you just came back on a trip.


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[Assistant] Got to watch Bert drink for two or three days.


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[Assistant] Now this is a good question, Tom. You're saying that Burt's drinking six drinks, but he's drinking doubles, correct, at each drink? Right.


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[Assistant] Well, let's add it up. I'm not really good at math. It's 13, 13 and 6. It's 19.


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[Assistant] Uhm, this reminds me by the way, I saw the Tonya Harding movie yesterday, I, Tonya. It's the fucking best movie on the planet. I want to go back to this theater and see it with you. I'd watch it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it is so goddamn funny and good, and if you grew up with a fucked up family, you're gonna love it. You're gonna laugh your tits off. Anyways, Tonya Harding's mom is a real piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she would push her to be a winner. She used to pay people to heckle Tanya right before she would get up to skate. Like literally trying to be walking to get on the ice and the mother would pay a heckler to be like, you fucking white trash, you piece of shit, go back to the trailer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the very end they show clips of her, but the movie is based on interviews done by the husband and her and the people in the controversy. It's so fascinating as a person.


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[Assistant] We learned two new ones, dog hunt and fuck christmas today.


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[Assistant] Cause like I said, just next door to Ireland. It's the same thing.


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[Assistant] Don't those machines depress you? They're always in the most depressing places. The machine that he's playing, like the screen with the roulette on it or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's, that's always been my conundrum in life, is how come I sit down, I pee, I finish peeing, and then you poo, but then you make more pee as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Blue Band, make a note of that. Questions for Dr. Drew. The poo pee, pee poo pee question. Am I making more pee or is it just that I didn't empty my bladder the first time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, why don't you be embarrassed to cut your toenails in public? Period? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Like, I'm embarrassed to do it in front of you. I always close the bathroom door and then I do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't seem to mind, cutting your toenails in front of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm afraid of it flying at me, or just, I don't like to see you doing it. One leg up on the sink, kind of, you know.


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[Assistant] The dogs won't get it. They don't chew that.


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[Assistant] Blind people can touch your face and feel what you look like. So that's how they see your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. I mean, I don't think, I don't know if, I don't know if there's a medical, it's, it's hormonal, it's pheromonal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, unless, okay, so one of whoever is the dominant female will lead the pack. Whoever's under the birth control pill, her, her cycle is regulated. The other women will follow the one who's on the pill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's hormones, it's pheromones, you pick it up and it's absolutely true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To do like being in a village and everybody being fertile, the women at the same time, maybe they could bring up children together at the same time.


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[Assistant] That's how you wouldn't say that, but yeaah, scientifically they could all bust nuts.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I imagine it's for that reason. Sure. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But wait a minute, cause how come a fart's signal that you have to shit then? There has to be a causal relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel like every time I fart a lot, I have to shit. It's signaling that I need to go shit.


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[Assistant] You know I have to talk about this in therapy. You know that this is a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna take you in to my therapist so you can hear me talking about my problems with barfing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're telling me you didn't do it, but you're operating the soundboard. You're the one choosing the clips. So how can you not know?


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[Assistant] For that, for the stupid remix. You know, remix is one of my absolute favorites. Two Thanksgivings ago, I got greens, beans, tomatoes, potatoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the zip-up's totally different than just a pullover, you know what I mean? Yeah. Than the kangaroo pouch. It's a gear, it's like two different vibes, totally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, when I'm going just full travel, dumpy day, I like the kangaroo pouch jean. Solid item. Put your cellphone in that front pocket. If I'm feeling a little, like I wanna jazz it up, I'll zip up and set a different look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but it's close. It's close to the truth of it. Yeah. I mean, he does live in a nest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. It did make me happy. My teeth are whiter than yours, but I do feel as though I work at it a little more than you.


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[Assistant] I was sitting watching a documentary about some crazy person or something and then it occurred to me that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like mental illness too, as do you, but you like murderers, you like serial killers. I just don't like the killing stuff, but we both like people with fucked up psyches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what I'm saying is, I think we, uh, you know, potato potato. I think we've been arguing two sides of the same coin here. I, I've been judging you, uh, with your love of murder shows, but the truth is you like abnormal psychology and so do I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I just don't like the violent, I don't like the killing stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like guys, you guys kill each other, blow shit up, we make life. Women are the opposite end.


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[Assistant] I know. Let me tell you though, I worked for many years. I had really bad teeth growing up.


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[Assistant] It's like my best, I would say. The good thing about your teeth is that once you get them all niced up like this, you just gotta maintain.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think this is why I can't participate in 99% of the conversations that exist on earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, I can't do it. I can't hear people's, the banality of their daily existence. Now, what's the phrase he's been saying to you for the last year though? Tell me, your mother and I. Oh yeaah. He's been saying this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course it's news to her because you've been telling me the fantasy for a year and my first thought was always


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[Assistant] Why would a 70 year old woman want to sit in a car for 8 hours a day? For weeks? For weeks. It just doesn't sound like fun for her. He was like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? That's a little better. At least you could lay down and play with a dog or whatever.


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[Assistant] It's a nightmare. I hate that. And like staying in motels, like they'd have to find shelter every night, like a different city, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really a bad idea for two old people. I know.


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[Assistant] It's so boring. Look, I think cause I've traveled already, I've driven, I've driven through the entire U.S. Like, I got it. I get it. It's come a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. Okay. Why does your dad, did we talk about this last time? Why does your dad make so much noise when he sits up? Like I noticed that he would just be sitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why the noises? Like, does it hurt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I love him. I think that's why he's so awesome. And he really fits into our life. Like you were gone and it was just the three of us, Top Dog, LJ and I, and LJ went down for a nap. I went to take a nap and he just chilled on our couch and watched like a warm movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came down and he's like, Christina, you know, Alice is just the cutest kid. Like he got into that whole thing.


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[Assistant] He's the best. He's actually really cool to have around. I kinda wish he would just live on our couch. I don't mind at all.


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[Assistant] They don't know what to do. The whole time they were here over Christmas, they just went to the mall every single day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know there's Malibu, right? Like there's the ocean, it was, the weather was beautiful and they were like, we're going to the mall. Okay. So we did Maui. I guess we're related.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you Joey Nunchucks for sending this in. We always appreciate your guys' instrumentals and original songs. You can send them to yourmomspodcast at gmail.com. Your Moms Podcast. There's no house in that email address.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks to everyone that came out this weekend in Des Moines, Iowa. It really was a maze for me. Uhm, I really, I had a blast. I hadn't been there since September 2016. And, uh, so, so fun. So, you guys, uh, were awesome. Great shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you for it. Uhm, Gene, where can people see you coming up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let's see, I'm, uh, I'm gonna be in Lexington, Kentucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I'm going to Spokane in May.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some tickets left there. Chart Lake Titties. I'm also going there. No, I'm sorry, uh, Chartlet, North Carolina. Uh, tickets are there. Omaha. Brea. Breastballs Beach, Florida. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're adding a third show in New Orleans. I think that goes on sale this Friday. Uh, that's in September. So thanks to everybody in, uh, Louisiana that got tickets. Those are going to be fun shows. And, uh, that's that. Pretty exciting stuff going on, Gene. Yeah. It's amaze. Amaze. Excite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boom. Okay. All right. And a huge thanks to everyone who, uh, got mugs. There's a bunch of, there's a couple mugs, um, on sale at our store. One is Next Stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brown talk. Of course, cause that's what coffee does. That's what coffee does, it makes you brown. And then the other one, uhm, it's from my special, it says don't you hate everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, both have been flying off the shelves. Thank you for that. There's other merch on sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some new stuff coming, I believe next week I'll let you know about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] MerchMethod.com slash TomSagura or go to TomSagura.com and hit the store. Um, that is it, Jean. Are you ready to get this started? Yeah, piss on me, beat me. Okay. You got it. You got it, Jean.


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[Assistant] Man, I think it's been a slow process. First of all, I will...


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[Assistant] I don't like pointing this out, but you did 100% of sumer pronoun. So did I right then.


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[Assistant] You think so? Kinda theyish? I don't know. Theyish?


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[Assistant] It's a, it's a phenomena. It's a shut it down. Usually the shut it down starts with a haircut. That's what we've learned.


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[Assistant] Yeah, moms do a more masculine cut and they go, it's part of my shut it down move.


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[Assistant] You see people, they're like, oh, they threw in the towel on that. Yeah.


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[Assistant] You gotta fight. You gotta try. You can't just throw in the towel. I mean look, to fight every day for me, I'm struggling. It's always hard. For both of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hire a trainer. I'm trying man, just making an effort.


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[Assistant] And that's the thing is that your significant other sees the effort and they go, oh, he's trying. He might look like a fucking pile of dog shit, but he's trying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They gave me a bunch of stuff. I've just been flexing and stunting on these fools with all my new Adidas swag. I like it. I like it a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the best. And free shit, I mean, you know, I understand, it's gross to be able to buy stuff and get free stuff, but it's the best at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, or anything, just do it, do any product that you like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huggies, man. Yo, I didn't know. I mean, of course I had no idea because I'd never bought them, but god damn, diapers are expensive as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adidas sweatpants, sweat matching top. I love it. For flights. I'm gonna start with it. Hell yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, there's products, you know, you never think of trying but someone gives it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, this is not a paid thing, but those boosts, they sent me pure boosts and ultra boost shoes. So, so, I never would have bought them. I just don't, you know, I don't buy everything that I hear about, but I went crazy on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just for, it's a, it's a spinoff from basketball, because in basketball, you wear, they're your warm-ups. So you wear them while you're warming up, and then it's game time, you just go whoop, and your shorts are on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always thought tearaways were the coolest thing too.


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[Assistant] I remember playing JV basketball and we had to tear away.


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[Assistant] Pants. And that was the thrill of the game was just doing the TeraWhip feeling like you're a pro.


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[Assistant] Of course. So silly. Yeah. And then like the super cool guys.


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[Assistant] You know, they didn't button them all the way down, so they had like two open at the bottom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You kind of half jog those things, you didn't really jog when you had them.


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[Assistant] Except you need all white ones. That's real Eastern. That's extra gangster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's coming. Let's see what they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's, uh, I'm always amazed by? This lady's so angry and she doesn't curse. When someone can do that and she's like, big boy, your rear end. She's so heated and she's not dropping any, I don't know how people do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, might be doing a lot of strict press, a lot of power cleans.


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[Assistant] Okay. Oof. Weirdo. It's always crazy to me when someone thinks they have that much power.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I just had to do a little camera card switch out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you also at this point when you see someone this upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Now she, listen, listen to this mocking. She just went like, A, B, C, I fucking talked to you like a baby, and she goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's- she's good at the alphabet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, that's a really good point. It's a really good thing to think about actually. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. New soup lady. She's sweeter. She's trying to offer you something too. This lady's raging out. Yeah, terribly, terribly attractive. She's just, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. This guy, I mean, she's, this is like a kind of feels like an audition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big ol' fuckin' dumpy tits. I hate when these videos end like this and I don't know what happened next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is compelling stuff. If anybody knows what 50 pound tits did next, anyone has a follow up. We'd love to hear about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, of course. Those are three times the size of your tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quick solution for tit weight, just have Tina stand on a regular bathroom scale, then have her do it again while Tommy holds up her tits. Subtract the difference. That's from Dane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a technique, but it's not going to be as accurate as just getting that tip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well we had, happened to have a deli meat scale at hand. We were silly on free milkshakes and all the weed we smoked in the basement. We gave it a try. After placing a sheet of deli tissue on the scale, I stepped up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you would like any advice on how to accomplish a tit weigh in, I consider myself pretty much an expert in the sport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. People have mentioned that. They've been mentioning that. Somebody else said that this kitchen scale is something you could do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] PS, I estimate Christina's tit weight at 18 pounds. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You think we could try the whole farts? You think they would let us do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right before we started recording, I saw this came up that, uhm, Sony Pictures has apologized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After Peter Rabbit, the movie exploits a food allergy upsetting some parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her son has food allergies and a scene in the film shows blackberries being used as a weapon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a statement, Sony Pictures apologized. Food allergies are a serious issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he was re- he was trying to find his EpiPen and then he went into anaphylactic shock. And that was the joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm sure that uhm, you could go to some of these people and be like, uh, how do you feel about jokes about Mexicans? And they'd be like, I mean, that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know any Mexicans. I know about these fucking peanut allergies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're being, I don't know, you're being insensitive to something that affects me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not funny. It's not funny because it's something that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That uhm, that I've been going through and I can tell you that it's not funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were actually funny, you could figure out something else to joke about that wasn't at the expense of people with allergies who haven't decided their pronoun yet. It's my favorite. Yea, no, it's an endless cycle. I mean, you could just go on and on and on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It must be somewhat signi- I think it's also not even just blackberry allergies, it's just parents. I mean, I have friends, we, we know people whose, uh, children are allergic to, uhm, you know, foods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I get it. I get it. And I get it that it's a, you know, it's a real serious issue for some families. I'm glad we don't have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know if that- I'm glad that was your sentence, but- But yeah, people joke about all types of horrible things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I think the thing is, the answer for all those people is like, just don't laugh, if you don't think it's funny, and also, watch something else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. I'm kind of enjoying watching people spiral though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm kind of getting off on it now. Like now that it's extended to food allergies, now it's great. I hope it keeps going. I hope the outrage keeps going to more and more absurd things. Like I hope they start going like, and then he made fun of his friend for not liking cheese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the movie, and I come from a dairy family. And then somebody's like, you know, we should have been thoughtful about the dairy community in Wisconsin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We apologize for that joke and then just let it keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do they have to- why do they have to marry immediately?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These people are actually super sad. You can tell that they're all-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all scared, like, they're like kicked dogs. They're like, I just want a nice owner, you know? And oddly enough, ironically, they feel like this will be the good owner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she admits, then she's like, at first I was just like, trying to pull money out of him. You're like, oh really? I'm a con artist, but now I'm not. Now it's love. I've changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, nice little sweet kids. Who's our new dad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has been, uh, doing some stuff. And he's finally here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Running into the, to the wedding is a, it cannot be a good idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he's broken into homes and credit cards. He's my favorite. He's one of these white boys. He's like, yeah, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You married a guy in prison? Like, where'd you get that ring, like, in, uh, at the little penny slot machine in prison? And she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, but I think now there's such a level of awareness that you have a chance if you have a little girl to not put that in her head that the greatest day ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fun, if you guys wanna show love after lockup. I wish I could find this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and then uhm, that's the other thing is that they're married people they've never also slept with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was possession and intent to distribute or something. Yeah. Heroin. Special. Just heroin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The great guy line is my favorite. Don't you think they should, I don't know, just earn the great guy status?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is up with this great guy? He's doing 18 years for armed robbery. Oh, he is a great guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's gonna have sex. We're gonna have sex. She's going to pick him up. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, and then the lady goes and buys a car, for the, one of the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looks like you can, by the way, watch this first full episode on YouTubes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's uhm, yeaah, he's been doing his thing. Dead county. Uh, I think he's a Tampa boy. Oh yea, Tampa. I could see you with a guy like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so that's what happened. You know what it is? It's these broken people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes sense. By the way, uh, somebody got their mom to do this, just in case you were wondering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, just a little audio note, maybe turn down that TV if you're trying to get audio next time. But nevertheless, good job, Tyler. Get your mom on the, on the ball hog thing. And then, this is for you, Jean. Last week, you made me order Fart-A-Chokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, people have been sending me this on Twitter and now, uh, in emails and now it's here that there is a job that you could...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, uh, look, you can read it here. What does it say? What's the job description?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeah, you can, you can be a, uh, scrum master and I, I don't think I have to read the description. I'm just says as a scrum master, you'll play a major role shaping our success.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want you to be a scrum master. Uhm, this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, with Ari and Brent Chrysler, when you guys were leaving Topgolf in Atlanta, and to attest to Tom's story,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brent was the one who proposed I take a picture with him and later with you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if there's a trophy for attention whore champion, I think Brent takes it easily. Love all your guys shit. Uh, piss on me and bite my balls. Gus from Atlanta. Uh, he's, he's referring to when we left, uh, Topgolf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, Gus, was just like, oh, hey, what's up, Bert? Bert is like, you wanna take a picture? And then was like, you wanna take a picture with the guys? So it's, uh, it's kind of hilarious, but so this, so basically Bert saw him and was like, no, we'll all take a picture and made him take a picture.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's so funny. I was, who was I, I was at Full Charge this weekend. Yeah. And, uh, I got recognized a few places and he was like, you get recognized a lot. And I go, it just depends on where. And he goes, but basically every guy with a beard seems to recognize you. I'm like, yeah, I think it's true.


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[Assistant] Uhm, what is this here? Oh, have you seen this? This is like.


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[Assistant] Happened a couple weeks ago and a lot of people were talking about it, but I don't know if you heard about it or saw it. And that is Tom Brady, the quarterback.


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[Assistant] I think cause cheek kissing is so big in uhm, my mom's culture.


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[Assistant] I don't know if I didn't have her, uhm, I think my dad's family, I probably, I don't even know if we'd go past hugs, you know?


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[Assistant] Oh, they didn't show it. Because he also, they showed him Tom with his, you know, 70 year old dad. On the mouth? Yea, on the mouth.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I keep drinking coffee. It's gonna, my, my dad mouth's gonna kick in big time.


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[Assistant] No, I mean, I think, I mean, probably as a, I don't, I kiss him on his cheeks. I mean, that's just-


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[Assistant] I'm sure I've gotten close, you know, but he's also two.


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[Assistant] I'll tell you what's a weird one too, I've had it happen only a few times, but kind of, I've had some like high society girls that are, like there's, that they're friends, it's not a dating thing, greet you with mouse kisses and stuff. I know I've had it before too where you go like,


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[Assistant] And what I mean by high society is, you know, like affluent types. Like country clubbers. Yea, who, um, greet you with mouth kisses. And like, uh, they do with all their friends.


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[Assistant] Now, I'll say, I think it's kind of odd. In my family though, we bathe together, and we have for years. You know, when I go home and I see my folks, we'll take a bath, or we'll take a shower together.


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[Assistant] Well, a lot of times I'll take it with my mom and dad, and we, you know, we soap each other up, but it's like, I've just never thought twice about it.


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[Assistant] So that's kind of a nice thing you guys do. And I remember in college when I would go home, uh, if I brought, like sometimes my friends would come with me. It would be my dad, myself and my friend. We'd all take a shower or a bath together. And that was just how we do things.


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[Assistant] Water saver, but again, some people think that's weird. Sure, sure. That's just how we do it in our house.


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[Assistant] I've seen, I've been, uh, I think in Spain it was always two, one, two, and then there's places where you do three, one, two, three. It was, uh, I think the Swiss do three.


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[Assistant] Uh, pussy is for people who don't know, is kissing. Yes, yeah. Yeah, I do. Uhm, I think one, two, three is a lot of work. Too much. Yeah, come on.


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[Assistant] You know, uh, the Argentine men, you kiss each other the same way, like, cause in, like in Peru, it's only opposite sexes that greet with a kiss. Oh, right, yeaah. The Argentines, the men do it to each other.


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[Assistant] Here's some foreigners. These guys are, let's see, this is the, uh, the Shepard's Bush Raiders rugby team. They are an Australian rules football team based in London.


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[Assistant] Apparently, this speech helped mount a comeback. I love this type of sports shit.


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[Assistant] It sounds like Gott, these guys, but he's saying these cunts. You know? Which I respect. Yeah. They came down...


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[Assistant] We have 100% opposite requirements.


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[Assistant] I don't like, obviously everyone who's done it this long has gone on stage with the full spectrum of feelings. So I know, you know, I've gone on stage in a horrible mood, I've gone on stage in a great, I think I'm a much better show and a better comic when I'm in a great mood and when I feel loose and I'm laughing about stuff, I think I'm a better comic.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but some people, you know, that energy is weird on them.


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[Assistant] What do you say to yourself? Like what if you're in a good mood?


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[Assistant] By the way, I didn't even see that this was here, we were discussing the pronouns earlier.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I work for a social services agency, and recently my agency forced all staff to declare our gender pronouns publicly in our emails.


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[Assistant] My work is basically forcing them to make a decision they may not be ready to make. That's interesting.


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[Assistant] That is actually an excellent point. And I would, I would highlight, I would, I would, uh, make that an even bigger point and say, I'm, you know, I don't appreciate being forced.


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[Assistant] Declaration right now, although I see that you're doing it so that people who have made their pronoun decision can let people know.


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[Assistant] And people cannot offend them, but one of the things that really bothers me is as a gender fluid individual, uhm, I am only into using this pronoun for the moment. It doesn't mean that I'll like it tomorrow or even by the end of this email.


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[Assistant] And you can also speak for others and say, and others also have the right to change their pronouns on a regular basis. May I suggest that this email go out at the beginning of each day?


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[Assistant] It's very, you know what it is? It's logical. Makes sense. Makes a lot of sense.


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[Assistant] What the fuck? What is this world? Mommy's love the show, can't wait to see Tom in Omaha. I have a story about my cousin who was born with six toes on his left foot.


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[Assistant] When they went to the doctor to get it removed, they cut off the wrong toe.


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[Assistant] So instead of cutting off the outside pinky, which I don't know what you call that, they cut off the actual pinky toe.


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[Assistant] So look at his foot, he has a two inch gap between the ring toe and his pinky.


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[Assistant] And being the messed up person I am, I would laugh every time I saw it. Sure. Fuck all the haters and the cross-eyed doctor who can't tell the difference between a regular toe and the extra one. Billy.


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[Assistant] Jesus. That's bad luck. How does that happen? You don't have like a big marker that you point to the fucking thing?


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[Assistant] I remember in Tampa, it was Tampa. Um, it was a big, it was an, it became a national story, but it was a guy who was supposed to have his leg amputated and amputated the wrong one. So then he became a double amputee. God damn it.


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[Assistant] That toe one sucks, but at least it's, you know, survivable kind of, you know.


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[Assistant] One of his last thoughts, and the last thing he said was like, hey, at least you'll still have one leg. He was like, that's true.


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[Assistant] Big mistake, you're gonna lose both, but also, we're gonna give you, like, six million dollars. He's like, alright.


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[Assistant] Yes, and so like with him, they don't go like, like for a regular Joe, they might say, we'll give you $5 million. And with him, it's many, many, many times.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the doctor, the USA, yeah. And then he took off, tried to attack him and the, the cops, uh, tackled him and.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he was like, he molested, sexually abused like hundreds of girls.


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[Assistant] Real piece of garbage. Uhm, this was great. This is from Super Bowl week. Uh, this is a guy, his name is Alshon Jeffries, and I think he played college ball at South Carolina, if I remember correctly. He plays for Philadelphia, and one of the big things about the Super Bowl is you have, it's basically media week. There's a lot of hype around the game.


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[Assistant] So the guys have to do media day and there's just all these things around the game and


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[Assistant] He could not be less interested and you could tell that when he's being interviewed, I mean, this is just magic. I love shit like this.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Good for him though. I mean, you see the temperature for playing indoors. Doesn't matter. What if you weren't? I think those hypotheticals, it's like, what? But can you imagine if you guys weren't allowed to wear helmets on Sunday? Yeah, that would be crazy. I mean, yeah.


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[Assistant] Let's see. Hey Hitlers, today at work I had a double pie classic for the first time in two years. I have a question about its validity. I had been chewing gum all day.


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[Assistant] I heard X as a laxative. So does it count?


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[Assistant] If my body was getting a little help from a possible accident, fuck me, piss on me, and beat me, John.


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[Assistant] It's not, I thought he was going to say it probably contributed, uhm, and he'd be correct in assuming to maybe that burp, the air. No, the burp, yea. Yea, because you're chewing and you're swallowing air. Pissed off, you beat me. Uhm, I think it's definitely still a double pipe. I mean,


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[Assistant] No, that would definitely still count, because people eat beans and drink soda all the time, and it doesn't happen. Cause you're still, like, the air, it's not that air's gonna come out because you ate or drank, that's why you have that gas buildup. It's that they came out at the same time, if they really did burp fart, same time, then you had one.


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[Assistant] What do you mean? Anything that you eat is going to affect your gas. So then you're saying like, okay, I had tacos for lunch. Does it count? No, because you had tacos.


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[Assistant] They didn't say I forced, they said I had gum and then something happened. That's a rare event. It is a rare event and you get credit. It is a double pipe classic.


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[Assistant] But wait, so when, when, like, let's say he's like, I had a Coke before, does it count? Now it doesn't count either? Like what, what can


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[Assistant] I would say what is, I'm gonna go out and say this, I don't think you should be able to weigh in on this if that's your logic. I mean, you're like one of those corrupt referees that's also betting on games.


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[Assistant] Okay, if you pick, I get to listen to any music I want. Right, right, right. And your only movie is Sister Act 2, Back in the Habit. Okay?


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[Assistant] Yes, then you can listen to any music you want. You only get one film.


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[Assistant] I don't, I'd rather have the other choice. In other words, I'd rather be able to watch any film, than you only get one song.


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[Assistant] In that case, the only music you ever hear is the HSO.


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[Assistant] Uhm, alright, is there anything else, Gene?


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[Assistant] We should just look on Amazon, see if it's possible. We gotta wave this tits. Using our banner. Yeah, I mean, we gotta be able to wave.


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[Assistant] TomSiguro.com, ChristinaPOnline.com.


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[Assistant] Your mom's house podcast.com. Thank you as always for listening to our show. Here is a song I haven't heard yet. Uh, it's called, how do you not find it funny by Alan Bell. Ready, Jean? Yeah. Goodbye, everybody. Bye, Jean.


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[Assistant] So if Christ comes right now and says, well I'm gonna heal everyone on this planet, I'm gonna heal their teeth, then where does that leave you?


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[Assistant] Girls I used to jack off to when I skipped a class are now getting me up for a backstage pass.


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[Assistant] All the ladies get wet when I roll into town, So if my dick is up, tell me why am I down?


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[Assistant] Girls swingin' their pussies when they hear I'm around So my dick is up, tell me why am I down?


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[Assistant] Meet a girl at the show and I'll hand her a pick and before we shake hands she starts sucking my dick.


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[Assistant] Swallows my nut while I stare at the ground. So if my dick is up, tell me why am I down?


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[Assistant] Now I've learned to eat pussy while I'm wearin' frowns, so my dick is up, tell me why am I down?


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[Assistant] Lickin' me, stickin' me, dickin' your puss till the sun comes up.


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[Assistant] Girls suck on my nuts while they're reaching around, so if my dick is up, tell me why am I down?


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[Assistant] I looked him up and saw his mugshot. I was like, wow, this guy takes a really hot mugshot.


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[Assistant] I can't stop and I won't stop. I'll make it pop, I'll make it drop, I'll make it stuck. This is Top Dog here in your ear, listening to what you're about to hear. Cause I'm back for good, and you ain't even Hollywood.


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[Assistant] So, uh, block to a man that is six feet tall. I'm that wall. Yeah, I am, and I don't care what anyone says, cause Tuck Doggie's here. So bring it, suckers!


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[Assistant] I think you're not. I think you're a snitch. Matter of fact, you're a bitch. But baby, you know me. I'm the craziest man you'll ever see.


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[Assistant] Definitely one day. Slay the AK. Yeaah, this is my day. Yeaah, Top Dogs Day, biiitch.


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[Assistant] We didn't know. How are we to know that that song would just keep growing?


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[Assistant] Can we talk about the thing we haven't talked about yet that just happened at our house?


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[Assistant] Right now, we made breakfast, the nanny was here taking care of Ellis, you were cooking eggs, she was feeding him, and I think you forgot that she was here, is what I'm hoping is what happened.


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[Assistant] And you've ripped a huge fart.


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[Assistant] But you also did the dad thing where you like looked at me and you made your, like you bit your lip face.


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[Assistant] As if to really punch it to me, like, look what I'm doing. So clearly you forgot.


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[Assistant] She's right there! She's right there. She obviously shouldn't say anything.


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[Assistant] She heard it. Everyone heard it. The whole house heard it. Dogs. Kid. Well, she hears our son fart all the time.


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[Assistant] She's heard us do stuff. If she hasn't figured it out by now that we're animals...


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[Assistant] It sounds so ridiculous. What about the punching? Cause if you're not, if you're watching this on YouTube, he punches low, middle, high. Come on, come on. And you can see the kids.


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[Assistant] Of course, and also if you have to tell people it's cool.


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[Assistant] And also, I mean, it was such a silly, I went to a Catholic school and it was such a, it's such a herculean effort to keep children virgins. You know what I mean? It's such like an uphill battle. Why not just be like, look, you guys are fucking, here's condoms.


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[Assistant] Well, my parents were, you know, euros, so the whole thing was like, if you're going to have sex, you let me know, I take you to the doctor, we get you pills. And of course I was like, I'm never telling you anything, I'll go on my own.


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[Assistant] You do, you know, but yeah, the message was you're gonna do it. Don't be stupid, you know, just be safe.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this is a great site, uh, that we found a few treasures on here over the years.


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[Assistant] Well, it got me down the rabbit hole of, of people who think virginity, like just Google virginity is cool. And you'll see a bunch of like totally brainwashed Christian boys being like, Jesus wants you to save it for the bonds of marriage. That way it's special.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I agree because I think you and I both had that, like we're both actually, I think, serial monogamists at our core. Like I was, I was never able to be promiscuous. And part of me is like, I wish I could have just turned off that button of like shame or conscience or whatever. Yeah.


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[Assistant] And just be kind of a slut. Do you want to take time out of the marriage and do that and then we come back or something? Is that what you're saying?


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[Assistant] So, how much time are we gonna- I dunno. What about Ellis and stuff? Who cares? What about him?


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[Assistant] Just take him with you. Do what my parents did. Take him to Club Med with you.


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[Assistant] Virginia is cool. Come on, come on. I mean, in our Catholic school, it was encouraged to stay a virgin, like abstinence was the big message, which is so dumb. Evil sluts were not virgins.


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[Assistant] You really gotta be super brainwashed to go down that route.


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[Assistant] Of total ap- you've gotta be terrified of sex, honestly. Terrified.


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[Assistant] Like Jessica Simpson's dad. Remember when she gave him a, he gave her a wedding ring? Jessica Simpson was married to her dad.


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[Assistant] A father gives a daughter like a wedding ring, essentially. It's an abstinence ring.


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[Assistant] The high school diploma, you won't be able to support no kids. You ain't got no kids!


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[Assistant] You know, by the way, I feel like nobody who actually lives in Hawaii does the Aloha Mahalo thing. That's for tourists.


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[Assistant] Or even, I remember in Jamaica, they don't say, EVERYTHING IS IREE! Like, nobody. That's a white person.


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[Assistant] Everything is ire. Uh, we had a great time on vacation.


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[Assistant] We needed it, and we got so relaxed, we, uh, we got a rental car. We went to the island of Maui.


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[Assistant] Well, you've been really hitting the Starbucks hard. You've been hitting a certain beverage order, venti iced coffee, extra ice with just a splash of whole milk. And I know this because if I don't get it right for you, I have hell to pay. So you've really been hitting these.


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[Assistant] You're gonna work at Starbucks now, like I did. Okay, so. Cheers. Cheers. There it is. That's your French press. Try it out. Try it out. So we, uh, we found the one Starbucks nearby, our hotel. And what happened?


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[Assistant] Yeah, we found the mall on Maui basically. Yeah. The mall. So like, we basically replicated our home life. Oh, this is my favorite.


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[Assistant] Just, just so people understand what we did, we found the mall and we hung out at the mall.


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[Assistant] Enough time to convince the hotel people that we drove somewhere.


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[Assistant] No, you can't force it. That was pretty fun though.


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[Assistant] We have a guest on the way, but you know, I've been dying since Drew came in here. And we can't stop talking about the show.


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[Assistant] Hey, it's been a lifelong thing in my family for decades. Long time.


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[Assistant] And to have a medical doctor weigh in on such an important issue, on such a, uh, you know, something, an issue close to our hearts.


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[Assistant] I'm reeling. And when sometimes I'd complain about the farts, she would say that you should be grateful for the farts because farts push the shit out. Now, is that true that farts push the shit out?


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[Assistant] I mean, is this going to be the decisive word on the issue?


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[Assistant] You know what I love is how serious Dr. Drew took the question.


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[Assistant] I would never. You said that like, sand is not real. I did.


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[Assistant] Do you think that uh, Dr. Drew, when he started his medical career, like a million years ago, thought that he would be answering that question? I don't think so.


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[Assistant] We were watching Home Alone and he goes, Oh, is that, is that Joe Pesky? And I just said, yeah.


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[Assistant] I don't understand either and I also don't understand why he makes so many noises to get up. Like from the couch when he was kind of- he leans back and then he makes all these sounds just to lean forward.


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[Assistant] Like, why so many noises just to go from here to here?


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[Assistant] Consistent, yeaah. It's not a, it's not getting worse.


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[Assistant] He has selective data collection. And the same when he listens to either of us speak. He's not really listening to, he just gleans what he thinks is vital.


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[Assistant] But the thing is, those are like, you've never heard it Joe Pesci. You've only ever heard Joe Pesci. So in order to make that adjustment, you have to disregard all the common ways.


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[Assistant] I gotta be honest, cuz I shit on my tippy toes anyways. I always naturally put my tippy toes up. Yeah.


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[Assistant] So I feel like it's almost too severe of an angle for me.


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[Assistant] And if we're not accepting them, we're shaming them. So the guy is like, I'm the possum guy. You should be happy for me. I'm an individual. Yeah. And I think there's something, yeah, I think there's something in the anti-shaming culture now. Well, I think it started as good.


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[Assistant] Well, there's a lady at Michael's arts and crafts here.


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[Assistant] I know what you're talking about. Yeah, so there's a, she's still a headliner and it was hard for two women to get booked and it still is on any club week. So we came up with this. We already got one.


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[Assistant] So embarrassing. So, she dressed up like a devil.


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[Assistant] But I feel like, okay, the vest was kind of a 90s R&B. It was within the time. Color Me Bad. Yeah, it was kind of hip, right?


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[Assistant] You know what I wish? I wish you still had this look now. Cause if you did this now, you would stand out. People would be like, who's the 90s guy?


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[Assistant] And I will say that is probably one of the tougher crowds to do. Because that guy was a rock star. So you've got that rowdy energy. You've got people high as fuck, drunk as fuck. Kinnison was a screamer and high energy. So that's your audience. That's terrifying.


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[Assistant] Yeah, absolutely. Right. Does that make sense? Yeah. Cause you pick up bad road habits. Bad road habits. I've done that. And I start to be...


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[Assistant] Well, when I first became a headliner, especially as a woman, I felt that pressure of like, I gotta fuckin' kill it, dude. Like, I'm headlining the improvs, I'm one of maybe four women, and let do that, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I like this. I like, you know what I like? I like farts, but I also like to talk about X, Y, and Z. I like this and that, and then fuck all the rest, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's because I've done so many other mistakes, like wearing a white dress and doing naughty and sorta nice. That literally was so far out of my lane for so many years learning to feature and having to dance like a monkey and just get rebooked because I wanted to be a comedian so badly that I made all the mistakes.


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[Assistant] I was a hack. I was a fucking racist. I was a, you know what I mean, like telling the jokes in my mind. I cringe looking back at the stuff I did just to survive.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but sometimes easy for, what's easy sometimes is your first inclination. Yes. But for the viewers, it's not theirs. It feels easy to you because that's your point of view actually. But 99% of the population won't go to that thought because your brain's fucked up because you're a comedian.


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[Assistant] And that those are the most celebrated sometimes things that just feel natural to me.


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[Assistant] Because that's the real you, that's the real.


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[Assistant] And that's what resonates, I think, is the real thought, not the ego, societal, filtered.


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[Assistant] That's why Kinnison was so great, cause he would say what's in the id, right? The unfiltered societal.


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[Assistant] That's why I fucking hate Twitter. I just, I don't, I don't, cause you're, you're missing so much context and then people jump all over you. It's a big fucking dog shit pile. It's just an excuse for people to be hateful.


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[Assistant] Everyone's fired up about Trump and it's all misdirected energy, I think. Oh, yea, it's on a update.


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[Assistant] I gotta remind you, cause you told me something fantastic. I'll stay, but it's the update.


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[Assistant] Because you do get, you adapt to whatever wackiness is happening in your mouth. Like I had a bad, a bad root canal or whatever, a cap. So for years I would just chew on the other side or chew around it. It's like 10 years that way. And so I finally changed it. I'm like, oh, I didn't need to live like that.


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[Assistant] But Tommy, your dental update I wanted you to talk about in Hawaii.


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[Assistant] You said that you floss if you don't have dental floss with business cards.


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[Assistant] Now, another thing I've done in a pinch, is if I'm wearing tube socks, I'll pull a string out of the tube sock. Whaaaaat?


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[Assistant] It makes me feel like yea, like I'm doing something wrong. I've done something wrong. Why is he crying? Or just the sound of it? I don't like the shrill.


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[Assistant] It's an issue with me and my shrink. But, no, I'm working on it. But, uhm, but I go to, I get panicky because I get afraid that it's never gonna end. What if I can't figure out what's wrong? Like, even though rationally I know, I know the checks, the boxes. Just like I'm afraid of things getting out of control for some reason.


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[Assistant] So what do you do when there's two other and one, and then how do you decide who gets what attention? Like my thing is like if we have another kid, like,


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[Assistant] The first dog, FIFO, and he was sick and it was, he almost died.


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[Assistant] Have you ever done that where you sing like you have a song to get through a bad time?


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[Assistant] And then they take a swab of your cervical mucus and they put that into a petri dish and they culture it and that's a pap smear.


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[Assistant] Well you see Chris Rock and he paces nervously like a panther. And that's nervous energy, I believe. I've always felt that that was energy that is, oh fuck I better, if I'm not moving they're not gonna listen.


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[Assistant] That's a totally different mindset of how to engage the audience.


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[Assistant] But that's when you let go of the written, like I know what the punch is, but I know that that part is going to be worked out on stage. Cause I'll find my flavors up there. I just know that that's the writing and then that's the performing. You'll find your cadence and shit up there. I don't know.


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[Assistant] My parents were the opposite, like they never would let me play with them, but the humor came from the suffering, I think, like the misery.


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[Assistant] Where you're like, uh, will you pass the remote control? You pass the fucking remote control! Like everything was, uh, confrontational.


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[Assistant] My parents were the opposite of playful. But I think that made me want to be more playful. Definitely. Made me sillier.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Big mushy. Purples. You're always saying that lately. PURPLES?


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[Assistant] I got purple nips since I had them in my kid and they just haven't changed back.


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[Assistant] I'd say my weakness is I bail too quickly on premises I want to go for. Like, I won't stick to it and I'll just bail because I'm not getting the laugh.


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[Assistant] Yes, I'll bail on, I'll bail on stuff I know in my heart I wanna do. I just don't know how yet.


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[Assistant] I said combative up until like a year ago.


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[Assistant] Hello, I do have foreign parents and so I grew up hearing words incorrectly my whole life.


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[Assistant] I had to figure that shit out on my own, bro. That's why I read so much.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the dads always want the 69, it's the moms who say no. But because it sounds like a good time!


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[Assistant] Come on. Come on. Come on. Do the lead up, Tom. Come on. Come on. Feel it. Feel it. Come on. Come on.


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[Assistant] Justin, hey guys, I love your shirts, hope you guys have a great day, keep them jeans high and tight. Justin, we are wearing jeans today, and actually, his are a little high, that's my concern. These are not high? Your jeans. No, not on your waist. Oh boy. They're a little short. Tilt down. Carmen, where are you?


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[Assistant] Got a great guest today, one of our all time faves. Full charge is coming in. Uhm, real quick before I shoot my special.


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[Assistant] I have a week of shows in the Midwest. I'm in Lincoln, Nebraska. Midwest City, Oklahoma.


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[Assistant] Yep. And Springfield, Missouri.


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[Assistant] Then I go to, uh, the club that started it all for me. The Brea Improv, September 13th. That's just a few nights before I shoot. Uhm, in Oak Town, the Oakland Theater, or sorry, the Fox Theater in Oakland.


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[Assistant] September 14th and then two shows at the Paramount Theater in Denver, Mom Larrado. The first show is sold out. The second show has like a hundred tickets left. So, if you hadn't gotten tickets yet, this would be the time to do it.


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[Assistant] I pick up when I go to Albany, New York, two shows there, the 27th, Reading, Pennsylvania, Portland, Maine, and then the Sony Center for the Performing Arts in Toronto, Canada.


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[Assistant] There you go. That is, uh, really exciting for me. And then the tour goes on from there. Go to TomSagura.com slash tour and you can see all the dates. There are a bunch of cities still coming up. Gene?


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I can't necessarily stay in each city for extra days, so.


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[Assistant] Oh, the full charge is already here. Yes. Well, let's press pause and we'll get into it.


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[Assistant] The full charge was born and came into our lives.


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[Assistant] No, it was uh, it was perfect timing. It really was. We were about to like, open the show up. Cause we've been having guests, but we do, we'll do like a bunch of time before them, but you're one of the people that just feels like the show is, you know, still rolling.


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[Assistant] Thank you. You're one of those early moms.


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[Assistant] Food to go is, is real dicey. I remember in high school we would do, in Florida they have, uh, Cuban sandwiches. But it's basically a hot press sandwich. And when you've been drinking, that is the most amazing sandwich ever. But if you're sober, you shouldn't be eating there.


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[Assistant] I worked at a pizza place that, uh, that he opened after hard times. I had a job there. I used to serve slices and salads. And then one day I just didn't show up.


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[Assistant] And then I called him and I was like, oh, I can come in this week, like the week after. He was like, you can't come in now. You just didn't show up. I was like, nah, cause I called someone else. Didn't they tell you? I tried to like come up with the line. The nerve, the move. I was like, nah, I was saying he was weird though.


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[Assistant] That's true, but I mean it's still impressive that the level, either that you were so good at it, or that they didn't have people willing to replace. It's so funny. Combination of things.


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[Assistant] Right. Yeah. Did you see some wild shit on tape?


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[Assistant] What about, like, was there ever any, any, uh, you know, moment of somebody saying, like, you gotta see this? And that somebody pulls you in to look at something? Ever?


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[Assistant] I think he was an early on financier if I remember right. Or at least he was publicity in that he saw it and was like telling people like, you guys do this shit. I didn't know that.


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[Assistant] They really nailed the hype. Like they really nailed.


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[Assistant] Getting you to, like, there were so many people that believed that that was real.


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[Assistant] It's this thing that people are saying is real.


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[Assistant] I feel like you just know life's been rough though, with her, right? Like right away, you know, it hasn't been peaches.


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[Assistant] Uh, Full Charge, I don't think Full Charge has seen Moose Soup. Speaking of ladies with accents, have you seen the Moose Soup lady? No. Oh man. Well this, this is really, really taking our show by storm. People are really into this lady. Okay.


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[Assistant] You don't see her, but, but you still, when I say


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[Assistant] I know you can picture her. I know you can picture what she looks like. I can describe her. Just by listening to her. You get a good couple of minutes with her. Have you guys ever seen her?


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[Assistant] Afterwards, yes. But not, I mean, we were, we were, what I'm gonna show you is exactly how we experienced her the first time.


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[Assistant] They're racing. They're in a race. Oh, okay. So she's telling them you guys are doing good.


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[Assistant] Can you, is there any moose soup? Well, we know there's moose soup, but we don't actually ever get to see it. But we were so, we were so just excited by the prospect of moose soup, that we uhm, you know, people were basically hunting for this woman, and they found her. I mean, it wasn't, it wasn't.


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[Assistant] Oh, mousse soup, a hundred percent. Pizza soup lady is disgusting. Mousse soup lady is going to take care of you.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty good. So we were in Breast Balls Beach, Florida, at the Improv. I have to say, I think it set a new bar for most fun ever.


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[Assistant] Doing the podcast there was, I mean, they were a raucous crowd. And just so people know, cause we've had issues before, hired a sound engineer for premium audio and I've checked it. It's amazing.


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[Assistant] HD video. So in, I think next week we'll put up, even with some behind the scenes, uh, footage too. Really, really fun. But it was, it was an awesome Pomcast.


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[Assistant] So that was the whole rea- actually the whole reason we went and we scheduled everything was because he was turning 70 and what?


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[Assistant] He was super fitness, dad. I mean, he was 6'3", yoked with his blonde hair thrown back. He either looked like a supermodel or an international, uh, whatever, soccer, volleyball player or something. That dude did not look like anybody else. He's not normal. No, no, no.