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[Assistant] Oddly, there is a song in Instant Family that was written, I believe for Chris Gaines. Really?


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[Assistant] I think Stevie Nicks or, I can't remember exactly who, maybe it was just Don Henley.


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[Assistant] Also, the Garth Brooks character, even though he says that's just him,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My assumption is that it's him, but it's also anytime you have a public persona like that.


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[Assistant] That's a lot of work to kind of keep that up and to be the


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[Assistant] And I'm not saying he's not a nice guy, I just, I don't know anything about him, but, but I just know that, especially, I mean, the guy was like the Michael Jordan of country music for like 10 years. And, uh, so, you know, to just keep that up, it's gotta be exhausting. So to, to just pretend like you're somebody else for a while had to be like the most funny I've ever had, you know?


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[Assistant] You should do, uh, like a Vegas, like not a, you know, not an Andy Kaufman thing, but like, uh, you know, you should do a skinny guy, cool guy, like not that you're not skinny and cool, but right, you should do like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you told the story on your show about when the trailer for the movie first hit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they put up the trailer and you know, it's always kind of like, okay, they worked really hard on this thing to try to, you know, get the message across of what the movie is. And then they want to see how people react to it. And the reactions were really, really positive, but mixed in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are these great, people have been posting these great, you know, your fans have been posting these great, you know, things on Instagram or whatever that are sort of admitting that as cynical as a kind of humor that they like, that they are, so many of them are really digging the movie and obviously loving Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's about these three old men in upstate New York who lived on a farm and one of them murdered the other one?


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[Assistant] That sounded like, as I thought, they must have just cut something together. It seemed like, now I will say this, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and the funny thing is when you said the date, you said like 03 or something, which doesn't seem long ago enough for that to have happened.


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[Assistant] Because you know, you've seen where they take The Shining and they recut the trailer and make it look like a romantic comedy. And it is amazing what can be done with music and cuts and whatever. And it would be really heartbreaking to find out that this was some beautiful movie. Peter Dinklage said that it was.


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[Assistant] You know what we do, my sister's an actor, and so what we do when we run auditions is we always have a note out in the lobby that just lets people know you're coming into a friendly room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, to be clear, that's what's so brutal about auditioning is that you have to go in for, and you can't blow it off. You have to go in and prepared if you, if you want to have a shot at it. And so often on our side of it, we're looking for something really specific. So more often than not, as soon as somebody walks in the door, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said you need to, to be a reader at auditions. It'll take the pressure off because you just see one person after another coming in.


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[Assistant] Well first of all, here's the other thing that's funny about, a lot of people don't realize about auditions too, is that as the writers, you're hearing people do the dialogue and they're always doing sort of like the longest version of the scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you read a lot of people it really helps you to cut down the scenes and figure out what to keep and what to let go of, but the poor actors, they've had to go and do like the longest, most tedious version of the scene possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so that's part of what we're seeing here too, but no, so to give you some


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[Assistant] Some insight on this. I was on Skype while he was doing this. And it wasn't bad. There was nothing bad about it. But there was a problem with it.


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[Assistant] That is what it was missing, because he had, but if you watch what he's doing, he's good, he's funny, but he's just like, he's trying harder than he tries when we see, cause what I really responded to when I saw his standup,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was I liked this kind of leaned back that he would say kind of sometimes outrageous things, but just say I'm like, all right.


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[Assistant] You know, I just said that, so what? You know, and then when he came in for the audition, he was more like here, like just sort of laying into it. And I was like, oh shoot. But I didn't know because you've been in anything else. I didn't really have any frame of reference. Is this, oh, is this just a choice or can he not do that?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, yes and no, depending on what you're doing, sometimes you gotta go the other way because sometimes, you know, I think with this guy, yeah, he had to be bold without seeming like he was making an effort to be bold. Um, because also his character is a little bit, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're, you're being bold. You're taking chances. You're, that's the only way you're getting anywhere near anything that, that, you know, big in this world, but we're so mortified by all of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well in standup, I've always thought that this is what's really interesting about standup, is that a huge component of standup is being


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so you're supposed to be up there presenting like, I don't know, I'm just this regular goofball of a person and this is just what I think about things. But at the same time,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're supposed to be this entertainer and you're supposed to be kind of cool on some level. And it's a, it's a tough balance to get all that to where, and so much of it is just making all these people feel comfortable so that they can laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, cause that's the thing, like you've seen comics where they just, they immediately, they make you uncomfortable and you're like, I don't, it doesn't matter what this guy's going to say. I just feel so bad for him right now. You know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so what happened was I, I called him because I was in Atlanta and I, and the other thing was I also had really high hopes. I was really excited that you were coming to read for Russ and I, I, like you already had the job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need that thing. I need that, that sort of relaxed vibe with this guy. And uh, so then I called him and I said, would you be willing to come and work on it? And by the way, that's also really cool for somebody to just say, sure, I'll take time out of my day and not knowing if I'm going to get it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, throw it away was, was always good for us. Just, just let it get out there and don't, you know, but I also.


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[Assistant] And that's kind of a huge secret to life right there. And actually for John and I it's been the same way. The writers version of that is pitching. Pitching is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ridiculous. It is a nightmare because it's like an audition that goes on for a half an hour. It's, it's brutal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're telling it in the room and you have to bring energy to it because if you just go in and go, look guys, it just goes like this and this and this and that. I mean, sure. If you're a superstar, they'll go great. We'll buy anything you have. But when you're out there trying to make your bones, it's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta go in there and you gotta put your back into it and you gotta sell. And I do not like selling. I've never, my brother's a salesman. I could never do it. So I just go in there and it's exhausting. And, and, but like you're saying, there were times where John and I would go in on something and you know, like a rewrite job or something and we'd be like, eh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we, we, we talk about it and we kind of go in and we didn't give a shit. You know, we'd go in and we'd be like, well, I don't know. I wouldn't do it like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we'd do it more like this, I don't know, you know, and they'd be like, great, you're hired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to be clear, it's not about not caring. Correct. Because that's also, I think, really unappealing to people acting like you don't give a shit about anything. It's about, it's about being...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Confident in whatever choices you're making at the time.


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[Assistant] And more than anything, being confident that if you don't, if this thing you're doing right now isn't successful, that you're gonna go on surviving.


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[Assistant] Well yes and no, sometimes it's that, cause in your case,


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[Assistant] I don't think anybody at the studio quite had an idea of what your following was. I didn't either, to be honest. I had seen your, your specials on Netflix and I just thought they were brilliant.


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[Assistant] I think what it is more than anything is that through your stand up, you were cultivating, you were digging down, drilling into your personality and different aspects of your personality.


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[Assistant] And in this business you have so many people that have been doing Shakespeare from the time that they were young.


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[Assistant] And they are good at being actors, but they, they sometimes can lose track of who they are as people. And that's what you're looking for more than anything. You're looking for who's behind those eyes that can bring something to this part beyond just there's a lot of people that can deliver the dialogue and make it sound reasonably, you know, believable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is hard, right, to get cast. I mean like- Oh no, it's very hard, but what I'm saying is that it's not so much about knowing that somebody has experience or whatever. It's somebody coming in and bringing some humanity into whatever it is that they're doing. I gotcha. And that's what the experience allows people to do. I think particularly with stand-up, I think the reason why-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like Chris Rock is a really good actor. I mean, so many stand-ups are really good actors. Adam Sandler is an amazing actor, you know? And I think it's because you gotta go out there on stage and just sort of like put yourself out there over and over and over in front of so many different people. You're gonna drill down into who you really are. You have to to be good at it, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, and I don't think it's, it's any coincidence that so many standups who you just think of, oh, that, that guy or that woman is really good on stage, that it's no coincidence that they are effortlessly be able, or they're able to turn in these, these roles. I mean, Sarah Silverman, so many people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That have done these incredible roles in movies that, you know, that if, if you're one of those people that started acting lessons when you were four years old, it must be, it must drive you a little crazy to see somebody who's been telling jokes and bars for 10 years come, come in and just crush like that. But I think the reason why is because they're also doing something really similar to what you're doing when you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're pursuing acting, at that level, you're just drilling down into who you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, all my shows go well. Yeah, and you've seen people before you who have risen and risen and risen and then started to fall off for whatever reason that people had kind of gotten used to what they were doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It stops somewhere. There aren't that many people, particularly directors or writers, where it just goes on and on and on. Usually it's sort of,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just stops somewhere. So you, A, you want to be grateful for whatever time you have and B, you want to always keep that in the back of your mind that this isn't a gravy train that just goes on forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, John and I, we've always seen ourselves as pretty blue collar in that way. We know we're not geniuses. We know that, that we work for a living and we get together every day and we sit in a room and we talk about nonsense and we just,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just keep poking and prodding at it until it comes together in some way. And we try not to ever turn in drafts that don't.


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[Assistant] You can write a scene that you think is the greatest scene ever written, and there's gonna be somebody that's gonna go, ah, that's a piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of an asshole would write that. So there's no way you can ever... So you can't write for them though. You can't write for them, but you can't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like what you're saying, you can't ever think that you've got it all figured out because you just never will. You know, so you just keep doing the work.


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[Assistant] Yeah, thanks. And by the way, thank you for being in the movie. I mean, you, you brought a ton to it. And even just having you on set with that attitude of being so excited to be there. I mean, that's really valuable to me. Who gets used to being in movies? I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people. I love too that you get that one extra laugh in the, in the last scene when you're with, with uh, John Morris' song. Oh yeaah, yeaah. And uh, that, that, that always gets a, gets a good laugh at the end of the movie. I think people, cause, cause, and I think the reason why that gets a good laugh, you know, nobody knows what I'm talking about right now, but I think the reason why that gets a good laugh is because people really want Russ to


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[Assistant] I just wanted to tell you that getting to spend my anniversary with you the other day was one of the greatest moments of my life. Anyway, I'll uh, I'll hop off of here, but have a good day, baby.


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[Assistant] I piss rattlesnakes. Yup. And drink wild.


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[Assistant] I spit rattlesnakes on pissed dandelions. I sleep out under an oak tree when the moon is full.


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[Assistant] I fuck undercover darkness, black women only, cause the sun can't spy on them. They're like animals, like beasts, raccoons, foxes in sheets, savage, wild, and dangerous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How it tastes like dandelion wine. Like sassafras water to orange my spine. The color of a mud puddle with shoots at the water line. And I like to lick the petals of iron roses in a glass of brand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I once fashioned a boat for my lover, all guilt and ornamented with gold and silver and starlight on an Egyptian river.


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[Assistant] Each a dusty rough chunk of time.


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[Assistant] Mistress Kawaii. Oh, I'm Mistress Kawaii. You have a lot of business, a lot of interesting. Yes. But which is your main characteristic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. No, but what, what moment is... He's like...


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[Assistant] Can you, can you explain to the people what is, uh, what is, uh, how do you say? Face mask?


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[Assistant] Oh my gosh. Congratulations for your, uh, your, uh, characteristics, your beautiness, because you are a very, very beautiful girl, but...


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[Assistant] It does hurt to listen to. We'll get into it in a moment, alright? We gotta take care of some stuff first, but good lord.


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[Assistant] This weekend, I'm doing it real big. I'm going to, uh, Oklahoma City.


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[Assistant] San Antonio, Houston and Dallas, uhm, I believe everything is sold out except for...


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[Assistant] At the Terrace Theater, then the Chumash Casino, and then finally...


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[Assistant] Uh, Reno at the Grand Theater and that is February 7th through 9th. I also...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks to you guys, added some shows recently if you don't know. I added shows in New Haven, Connecticut, a second show March 30th. I added a second show in Portland, Oregon at the Keller Auditorium. It's May 1st.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I added a fourth show at the Moore Theater in Seattle, Washington, May 4th and I added a third show at the Chicago Theater and that'll happen on June 2nd. All available at TomSegura.com slash tour. Gene? Beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a great service. Uhm, well, this is gonna be quite the episode. There's so much to get into. Uhm, I'll tell you this, obviously,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're going to discuss, you know, if you're, if you're a viewer, what you're seeing, the set, if you're a listener, you're probably going to want to check out, uh, YouTube for a moment because everything's changed. We're going to discuss it in a moment. We got to open the show real proper, like, so we'll discuss the set, but let's get this show kicked off, Gene.


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[Assistant] And we have stupid listeners who, uh, who like them and they've told me before and they're like, oh, he's the best and you're a garbage person.


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[Assistant] All those home time idiots. Fucking sick of all of them. Anyways.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and by the way, even if I was in a great mood, with a big smile on my face, I would tell you, Springsteen's shit, Dylan's garbage, and uh, what's his last one? Billy Joel. Can go fuck his mother. Sure. Uhm, so.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if you're watching right now, you're like, what happened to the set?


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[Assistant] Well, you know, we were riding high a week ago. This is just how life goes, okay? We were pretty excited, I'm not gonna lie. I mean, here we have one of the biggest corporations in the world. Gives us this huge check. All we have to do is paint the set their colors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a lot of conversations ahead of time before we were working with McDonald's about our content.


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[Assistant] And they were like, yeah, like, let, let it go wherever you want to go. And then, uh, I called and I said to our agent, I said, well, you know, have they, like, they're familiar with what we do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I was told. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then later on, I feel like, well, what was, they're like, oh, they're familiar with your guys' stand up. And I'm like, okay. And they're like, in your stand up, they have no problem. I'm like, yeah, but you know that this isn't stand up, right? Like we're doing a different type of show. And.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, that's fine. They, they, they clear. Basically, they didn't want, the agents didn't want to press and, and like, find a reason to upset them. So, here's a, here's a deal, man. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's such a bummer. We got, uh, we got fired from McDonald's over last week's episode, uh, in a phone call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, almost like within hours of the show coming out. So it came out on video on Wednesday. And it was like Wednesday afternoon and they were like, oh, you're done. And then it was a whole shit show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you have to imagine, I mean, they gave us 2.3 million dollars, and for people who are like, oh, you just get to pocket that? Well, no. It was gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically financed the studio probably for a few years. Yea, and we have employees. That would pay for sets. Yea, employees, insurance, utilities. Yea. Like everyone's salaries, all the equipment. It was like set up to do all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was like, oh, like I remember right before the episode last week, he goes, uh, hey man, this is really cool. I'll finally have my own house. Yeah. And like, maybe I could settle down. I was like, oh, that's great. And I'm thinking like, well, yeah, I mean, McDonald's is going to pay for it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It hurts, but here it is for everybody to know this is what happened. This is, this is what I get Wednesday afternoon, okay?


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[Assistant] And then I called, I tried to call him back, you know, I had to call through the agents and they were just like, it's over, it's over.


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[Assistant] In, this is our 483rd episode of Your Mom's House. In the previous 482, maybe


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four times I've done this where I so enjoyed a moment on the podcast that I actually went back and had to watch or listen to again and again because I was laughing, I was enjoying, it sounds gross, but I was enjoying


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much what I went through that I wanted to see myself go through it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, like Uncle Terry just doing his thing. Uncle Terry. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, just so people know, if you haven't seen it, if you want to see what I'm talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well go to episode 482, it's the previous episode, uh, and if you go on YouTube, go to the 49 minute mark, okay? Go to the 49 minute mark and just watch for a few minutes and that is essentially


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To stay that stupid fucking clip.


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[Assistant] That's the worst part. I mean, I didn't even know, he's like, you're not welcome. Is he gonna have our pictures up there? I don't know how that works. Southern California's gotta have a thousand of them, you know? What about the drive-thru? Yeah, they can't, they can't kick us out of a drive-thru.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, before we further examine this, we have now created our own, uh, separate


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, highlight channel. It's clips of your mom's house. So there's, uh, if you just like to watch the highlights or you want to send them around to friends or just see like the big moments, it's youtube.com slash what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can subscribe to that please if you want to get those separate, uhm, highlights from the episodes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people are like, oh, it kind of looks like a steakhouse now. Yeah, but that's because I had to go with my head down into Morton's, uh, the one in the area. And I said like, you know, is there anything you can do? They gave us a couple grand, which is nice. And Morton's is great. I don't want to act like I'm not appreciative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it's good. It's good. I don't want to act like I'm not appreciative of Morton's and them painting the set and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the hardest I've ever laughed in a clip and at the same time the most costly clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, if you want to see what was, if you could pull up the first Terry clip in this batch, the very first one that you, uhm, that you played, yeaah, like that one. So, you see uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There, okay. See, see his hand, can you see that hand, that left hand movement he's got? Yeah, I see. McDonald's, McDonald's sighted this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like that, they were like, what the hell is that? And I go, I think he's got, I told him, I go, I think he's got an itch. And, uh, that guy Darren was like, he's not fucking, it doesn't have an itch. He's holding a Big Mac. Yeah. And so, because he kept doing that, they were like, that was like the straw there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As mad as I am at Terry, boundaries for ruining our business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I mean, I feel pretty cool right now. I don't feel cool. I feel like, when's Terry gonna do another video?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last week I was talking about the Toyota Supra and today's competition, yea, I know. He's very comfortable. I would actually like to hear what Dr. Drew says about that. I would too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, by the way, if you are feeling generous, maybe, uh, it's a good week to get some merch. Uhm, we kind of lost, uh, a lot of money, so. Yeah, we restocked some of the hot sellers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, there's mugs, socks, shirts, hats, everything. There's some new stuff coming too, but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so bad. It was so bad. It was much worse than I had anticipated.


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[Assistant] No, I didn't, I didn't sense that was coming. If I knew what came out was in the chamber, I wouldn't have done it. It was so horrific.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't know what it was. Was that the morning one or the evening one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. Uuuh. I had fish the night before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize this was such a night. So what happened was we went to this hotel and in the hotel, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was, they gave us an upgrade. So, you know, I paid for a room and we got there and I think because we were doing like this make-up date, right, of like our celebration anniversary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That the people who arranged it knew that and they, when we got there, they were like, basically a room is available that no one is buying that day. So they go, we're going to upgrade you. It was a much better room. Sure. And it had, um, you know, from the bedroom to the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in the, in order to the bathroom, in the bathroom you could shut a door in the bathroom. But there was also doors that separate the bathroom itself from the bedroom. I didn't shut that door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I went back to business. I went to get a physical first time in a year and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went a little longer than I should have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I, uh, I'm not gonna give you the number, cause I'm, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five pounds more than I did when I first saw my doctor, uh, 12 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Congratulations. He started to go, we went through the weights and he was like, Oh my God, because it's great. He was like, let's see 2008, you wait in 2009, 2010 and he started and he's like 2014. He was like, Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we had our baby in 2015. No, because I was so out of shape. Like he was, I remember they called and like, do you want to do a physical? I was like, ah, I'm on the road. And then I, I wouldn't go see him. I didn't want to, I knew if I went to see him, he'd be like, you need to, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to be good looking. And then everyone, everyone's such a piece of shit that they're like, I love when you're fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, they're like, could you stay fat so that we find you funny? Yea, I know. So, they took all this blood, of course, pee, check all your- Sperm. Yea, they ran an EKG, and then he's like, alright, it's time to do the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Old, uh, prostate exam. Check royal. Check his finger all the way into mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, this was different. Really? This was my second time. The first time he did it, he did what I actually ended up saying in my special. Which is he was like, now uhm, this is my cock, I mean my finger. But it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly kind of gentle and it really wasn't, I mean it was quick and uncom, you know, this time he's like, I'm getting lube and I was like, okay, and I'm facing the wall. And then he went immediately all the way without a warning, just all the way in and dug around and I was like, ah,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, okay, and I'm sitting there looking at the wall like, what the fuck just happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, dude, you're really not chill with fingering. Like if you finger girls the way you finger my ass. Right. And he's like, that's not how I finger girls. And then he just, he just goes, there's tissues next to you. Clean your ass. And he walked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, thanks. No, it was very uncomfortable. And then he called me today and he was like, oh, guess what, uhm, everything came back great. And, uh, I've never been on cholesterol medication. He's like, your cholesterol's down. Just from lifestyle. So that's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, I hope you're not eating McDonald's. And I was like, no, not anymore. So, yeah, that was great. Cool. So, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of dogs. Yes. Uhm, I should get a physical too. You should get a physical. We're having this conversation because we, uhm, you know, we've had these dogs now for years and we love our dogs, but there's this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Bitsy is the, is the pure breed, purebred dog. Brussels Griffon. And, uh, Thief is the rescue from the hood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, there's this thing that happens when people start telling you this when you're about to have a kid. If you have a dog, they're like, ah, that poor dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he doesn't know that he's about to get a lot less attention and you're like, that's inconceivable. Yes. Because the dog is your world. If you're like, if you're a couple and that's your dog, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was our, he was 24-7, cause what happens is you have all that love and attention, you're putting it on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the great thrills of that dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bunny now, or sometimes a mouse or something, a rat, right? Like you'll see a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His eyes. Kill, kill, kill. Bug out and hair stands up and he's like, and then he's just charged up for a while. He's like walking around like, you know, he's just fired up. So fired up. And he's an old guy. He's an older guy now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, he's never actually gotten any of those animals, right? But it's just, there's a thrill thing. So we're thinking that it'd be pretty cool, uhm, just to get, like just to get him a win. You know, sometimes you're like, this guy needs a win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe from a, uh, a breeder or like, I don't know if they do rescue rabbits or something. And, uh, basically make it slow, like break one of its legs and then let a thief catch them, you know? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, so, you know, you go and you're like, I want to rescue a bunny, and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What'd you do? What happened? Uhm, I accidentally stomped on both of its legs. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, they're so fast. I watched them chase, they're so fucking fast. But we need to capture a rabbit, put it into like a little room, and then put Fif in that room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we could shoot a squirrel with like a baby gun so that it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna make it clear, I am not in favor of hurting any animals, unless it leads to my dog getting an animal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay? Don't send me this shit about don't hurt animals, I know that. I love my dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's to give him a boost. You know what it is? It's like an old guy getting some Viagra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His joke was, uh, you know who my favorite magician is? And they're like, no, wahoo. He's like David Copperfield.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I, I, we talked about it, I got so, I thought it was such bullshit that the, uh, people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would be like, I was so hurt and affected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I, six, seven years I worked in a role, no, of course not. Oh, I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're pretty old. They fuck a lot when they can get around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. That's true. Do you know, speaking of that word, we have, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but we have, but this is pretty amazing. We have somebody, I think she's a, she's teaching English as a second language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think you've seen this. This lady is teaching this and there's, is it on YouTube? Like she puts this out? How does that work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, and this is one of the main, I guess, teachers of it here, this lady. I think she's one of them. She's one of them, yea. Let's hear what she says about English. Pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, but I mean, you know, she's still on point with what she heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is not okay. That is not okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very upset. You can't tell that I'm upset right now. I'm very, very, I'm very upset right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I learned language video and like put that out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that old or is it like recent? Uh, that I'm not sure. You don't know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, man, uhm, alright, let's, uhm, let's get our buddy in here, right? Let's get, are we gonna do that? Oh, we're gonna do it between them, right? We're gonna do it in between? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, it is that time again. One of our dear friends, great comedian, excellent producer, is joining us for another segment of his. It is Josh Potter, everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll mention it again, but before I forget, I'm very excited to announce, uh, a lot of people listen to this show, watch this show, love you, Josh Potter. And you are going to be doing a show


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe that's Friday, Friday, is that correct? Yes, sir. Friday, March 22nd at the Improv Lab. Tickets are on sale now. We'll post that link everywhere. You'll post it on your Twitter. I'll post it on mine. You post it on yours, but listen to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a reason I brought this guy all over the country. So, he's hilarious. Go to the show, if you're LA based, it's a Friday night, it'll be a fun time. You're gonna do a long set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm excited. Come out, get faded! What's up? What's up, man? You always have good stuff for us, Josh. What, what's your, what's your, what are you gonna show us today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people should know, before you get into this, how, just how experienced you are in radio. I mean, you worked in radio for a dozen years?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this is a real special dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is like this fascinating thing you were saying though about the radio business, cause you do get to go like, I am officially in show business. Uhm, you know what I mean? Like you're, you, you stepped into, and you have, you can work in pretty low radio and still like, you run in, celebrities come into your studio, right? So it's like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get access. Terrible. You get tons of access. Yeah, I'm backstage at the fucking Beyonce concert and you're just meeting, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he had, he was in, let's say, he had played sports, and he was like, I'm not paying for anything at this bar, and like, it was just that thing, he was like, I'm not, like, they should just comp it. And a lot of people operate on that level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and a lot of times, not just, uhm, athletes, but radio guys, I remember talking to a few that all drove free vehicles, because they, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like some of those, those morning shows too, it's just, I don't know. I don't know how you can deal with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you know the other thing that changed with like, even though the truth is, there's this narrative among some podcasters that they're like, radio's dead and podcasting is dead, and it's cool that podcasting has grown so much, radio's still definitely something that more Americans listen to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the truth is in some markets it is a total waste of time to do as promotion for your show. But like the club will have a history with the, you know what I mean? So they'll be like, come do this show and you can go on the show


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's check it out. Let's, let's try this out. Try it out Mr. Greaseman. Let's hear what you say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what would be funny is not even to talk to him. It's like to find the person who goes, you know who really makes me laugh? The Grease Man. That's who I would talk to. What's your favorite part? He's like, what's not fucking hilarious about this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think robbing a bank, I can only imagine what the adrenaline rush...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, you know, the planning, you would get like this, you'd have moments where you're like calm and then, you know, you do your, you're casing the joint, right? Like your drive, how are you going to drive out of here? What's the response time? All your planning,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like the day you're like, I'm going to do it. I mean, your heart rate must just be through the roof. And when you walk in to do it, you got to go disguise, right? The mask thing is too crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if they put out like an APB for the dog, you know? Yeah. You hear them like- That'd be cool. Then you get a cool name. Yeah. Like an outlaw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't forget that, uh, we, we, so when we watched the other day, we took our, our kind of our redo of our anniversary. Yeah. We, uh, we watched one of the Rocks movies with Skyscrapers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you come back and you're like, oh, there's more screaming and things are blowing up. Yeah, I got it. It's just so dumb. Uh, but it's entertaining, you know? It's like, it's a good one to waste time to. Popcorn flick. Yeah, it's a real waste time. Then we got to talking about it, right? What did we get to talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's got a, I think he's got a healthy hog on him. I don't think he has a donkey dick where people are like, get out of here with that thing. But I think it's kind of appropriate for being 6'5 and 250 or whatever he is. Like, I think it probably looks like it fits. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Now can I tell you my big thing about you that I didn't realize? I thought when you were talking about your delayed ejaculation and how you can't come with women, I thought you meant like every once in a while,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what happens. Like in other words- No, the inverse of that actually. Yeah, I didn't understand. I thought you meant like, oh I can't come all the time with women. No, I can't come all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when you're alone, everything's fine. I make myself rock out. Easy. Really? So do most of your sexual endeavors end with like, you know, nothing happens with the girl, and then when she leaves, you're like, okay, now I'll finish myself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, really? Yeah, I can do it myself. Oh, you're like, I'll take care of it. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta get The Rock to comment on, uh, our, you think he'll make a post for us? I would like to know what kind of piece he's handling back there. Come on, The Rock. Come on, Dwayne. Let us know what's up, man. Let us know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't forget guys, uh, Josh Potter, you're going to see him March 22nd, 10pm show at the Improv Lab. Tickets are on sale now. We'll post the link everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, uhm. Alright, this is long overdue, and we finally got him here. He is a comedian, a director, and one of the highest ranking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White people in the black culture world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes sense. We get asked a lot, especially people who go like, Hey, I just got into the podcast, uh, two weeks ago. What the fuck is going on? And there's a lot to cover, you know, a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we're living in an apartment, it's like you're leaving for the day. I'd be like, I'm leaving. I'll be back later, mommy. Right? Like, say mommy. And then that evolved into mommy jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then that evolved into dropping mommy and just saying jeans. And then, you know what I mean? It's just like a pet name. It started as a pet name. You know how you see somebody who wears...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like jeans that are too high and too tight and you're like, what the fuck is it? So we started to say basically that that person's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody created a page of the sound drops and like over a thousand sound drops are on it. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then like sometimes we'll play the clip, but it's uh, it's when he was talking about that dance, the cha-cha slide. We just get hooked on a phrase. Yeah, of course. So he's making fun of dances and like, he's like, that's shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, I can't even say it. He's like, you know, he's like, dances used to be like real calmly. He's like, now it's like, dude, move your hips like this one time. Now keep moving your hips like this. And that's it. And he's like, that shit is easy. And like, we just keep fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it naturally evolves into your stand-up, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bikes thing was like, the bikes came, came from the podcast. It was not stand-up. It was, we were playing, uh, Scared Straight 99. Right, of course. Which is the one-off. Yep. So it wasn't the show, it was a special. One-time special. It was MTV? It was MTV, and they aired it uncensored, which was bananas. Uh-huh. And that guy was just,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he stole the show and he was fucking verbally abusive to these kids, but in a really, it was, he reminded me of like Robin Harris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was, he was like, you big slat, fat, sloppy motherfuck, you know, like, saying shit like that. And I was like, uuuh, just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, one of the kids doesn't want to do, and you know that the kids ultimately are not going to get hurt, but these guys really toe the line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, that guy who screams bikes is telling this kid that he's like apologized. And as he's saying apologize, he gets this far. I mean, he gets this far. And as he's saying it, spit is flying off of his lip and he's like, I know you don't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Motherfucker's spittin' in your face, and he like spit his fling in his face, and they call him a faggot, and they're just sayin'


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really crazy shit, but you know, because you're like on the show, you're like, it's not gonna, like he's not gonna hit him. Yeah, cause he's also gonna get another 10 years if he hits him. Absolutely. Start saying all this shit, and he is saying shit like, like the things I said in my act about it, like how he's like, I'm gonna make you suck my dick every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he says that shit to him and it's all so heightened. Like he, the whole time he screams and yells the entire time. Says motherfucker like a thousand times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then if you look up, they didn't air it on that, but if you look up like the follow-up piece MTV did, they cut to that prisoner. This guy right here. And they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, multiple people who have been part of the Scared Street stuff have violated again. The bikes kid, the kid that got yelled at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it was going back to jail when I was doing, like after I did the special, I met somebody who was in class with him in middle school. And they're like, he's going back to jail. And they're like, he caught hell for that when it aired. But there's a guy who's on the scared straight special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's kinda like has it together. And he did. Wow. He murdered somebody later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And he was like, he was like, I have kids now and I live my life this way. Total psycho. Murdered someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is really, really deep in the vault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when we were building the show into the universe, it was exactly what you said, where it was like, head hooks, right? Like just drops in your head?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was also like, mom-themed, because your mom's house was supposed to be something silly to say to someone, like listen to your, you know, like when you say it, people are like, we need your mom's like, they get kind of like a pullback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So, alright, so it goes, uh, this shit is big time, right? That's what the first thing- Yeah, who is that? That's, uh, coach, uh, Ice, Tim Ice Harris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you never seen Year of the Bull? No. Okay, so one of the first things that we profile


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the first thing that we did is we, one of the first things, we profiled the documentary Stevie. Stevie, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Exactly right. Okay. So we, we, we played that and we dissected it for, I don't know, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like all his fun drops. And then next was a documentary called Year of the Bull, which features the Miami Northwestern Bulls in Liberty City, Miami. Which has produced, at the time of the documentary, which is now more than 10 years old, it had already produced 19 NFL players.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smelling of drink. Uh, okay. Smelling of drink, yeaah. So, so wait, just, this is a sidetrack, but like, did uhm, did, you know, you, for people who don't know, you co-created, wrote, and uh, directed, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chappelle show and obviously one of the most famous, celebrated, successful sketch shows of all time. Did you, did you guys like riff to come up with sketches? Yea, that mostly, yea. That was a big part of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I laughed so hard at that. I remember I was watching that with Sickler, cause that was back when it was, something's gonna air and you gotta watch it. And we would, we would like go back and like, I feel like he caught that, he's like, did you hear what this guy said? And we would like teev overwind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And at that point, are you guys like, you guys were friends?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other one that's, I mean, like, he's super successful, but like Box Office didn't do well was uh, Idiocracy? The mic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I love about uhm, the movie Business 2, is like, people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think before your guys show that he'd had like 9 pilots or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wowed by like celebrity stories or someone someone's met. I'm like, that's cool. Oh, really? You know, it's like, yeah I'm trying to think like but you've hung out with Eddie Murphy. Yeah, and I think that's that's pretty much


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he owns that. You just, you realize like this, you know, when you're really in your groove and stand up, you like, you own it. You know, you're on stage and you're like, oh man, like this set is tight. Like people realize like, you know this stuff and you're, and to even think that somebody could do it at 21 at that level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he also, here's the thing, he's so affected, um, other stand-ups that you can see somebody, you could see Eddie now and be like, oh, I feel like I've seen a bunch of these jokes. Yeah, you saw hundreds of people do their version of these jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, of course. Now here's the thing too, comics first of all, people don't realize that if you're hanging out with comics, we try to push it so, like we're trying to make another comic laugh, and people who you think would be upset, like a woman about a misogynistic joke, if she's a comic, she'll be like, that's a pretty funny joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that that thing about Louis saying that in that HBO thing, people were like, uh, this thing, uh, was unsurfaced. I'm like, what? The thing was on HBO?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or one of the first times I heard somebody talk about Cosby being an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, was a driver, a cab, uh, or the car driver, whatever, the car service guy in Indy, years ago. My first time doing crackers, this driver picked an older black guy. He's like, turns around and he's like, what's up man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, hey, and then we're driving and he's like, so what are you doing? And I go, uhm, I'm doing, uh, I'm doing stand up. He goes, stand up? I go, yeah. And he goes, uh, he goes, man, fuck Steve Harvey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, phew, and I go, phew, wow, alright, well, uh, hey man, what's uh, what's Indy like? And he goes, oh, you know, murder, he murdered there. And I was like, that's your summary of this city? And that was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was all he gave me. Black eyes, black eyes, talk and hooks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think too, I wrote this thing one time about how, if you had to hear a summary of what just happened, something notable happened and you missed it, who would you rather hear, if you have a choice, like an older white guy, or an older black lady, or a black guy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that that would be true only because I feel like I've heard a story about him showing it to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a big deal for me, honestly. I'm sure. And I, I've had like, you know, I would say like 99% of comics, I'd be like, what's up man? Uh, I mean like, I'm not a dick, I'm just saying like, it would be funny. Um, but I definitely was thrown by that. Yeah. And I was like, man, this is dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was very nice, but I still, to me, cause that, you know, your age has a lot to do with like, who has an impact on you. How old you were when they were, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So like for me, I'm, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A junior in high school wouldn't bring the pain comes out. So, you know, it's before Sam, but it's also in that, you know, 17 or something. It kind of sets you up for, for life, you know, like one of those big impact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never. Like, you just can't. No, I didn't say anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, intelligent or funny to him, I was like, you do good stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what to say. And I was like, good, you have a new one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have video of me, I gotta fuckin' put it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta find it, but I've seen it semi-recently, so I know I have it, of me doing stand-up in, at the improv in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, 405. I weigh like 60 pounds less than I weigh now. So I look like a skinny guy and I'm literally on stage and I'm going like this and I'm like gesturing and pacing and you're just like, Oh, this is like a bad Chris Rock impression.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think that only comes for most people with time, with age. Yes. Like you, sometimes you meet that rare person who has that perspective, young, you're like, what the? Yeah, how the fuck did you do that? How the fuck are you like this? But the truth is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, you know, if you are in your late thirties, early forties, you really become, you know who you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then here's the thing, you're being honest about it, which is the best


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. They hate it. When you have an adult relationship, you realize too, you get that clear, especially when you have kids, you're like, oh, two people, just two random people just fucked and made me. Yea, and they're not special. Yea, they're not anointed. Yea. It's just like, you see, you know, you saw someone walk by earlier? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That person could have been the person. Yeah. Like, and when you have that realization, you're like, this is pretty wild. Like it's just a random lady. Yeah. You know, I mean, like, look, I don't, I mean, I'm cool with my mom, but it's still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And her circumstances are fucking wild. Like my mom, you know, immigrated to this country at like 31. I mean, she probably never in a million years thought that she was going to live here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a new special. He has a new one on Netflix, Comedians of the World, which came out January 1st, I believe it was, and the American comics featured on it are, uh, four great ones. Me, Delia. Delia. Swartzen. Swartzen and Nicole Byer. So, and then there's comics from other countries, but we don't really know about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, it's like being in high school and seeing like, um, like watching drama or something from upperclassmen. You announced, I think on social media, your special's coming out, it's called Women and Black Dudes, and Chris Rock posted, he was like, I thought you had a chance, but that's a dumb title. Cause he's like, don't title it that.


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[Assistant] See, that's the thing, so when you say the Brad Pitt thing, I'm like, Brad Pitt thing, and then he didn't tell me anybody else. So he just goes, Brad Pitt said he-


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[Assistant] Wait, we didn't, I didn't even tell you, we obviously did not go through all of this correctly, but just for, you asked me about who is Randy, and I just realized.


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[Assistant] I'm glad you returned it because I was thinking about it. So, who is Randy? Uhm, Real Sports has done a lot of features on CTE and the, uhm, how football really does serious brain damage. Yep. One of the early times they profiled it, they got a group of guys together who were all suffering from it with their spouses and the interviewer


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[Assistant] And at the time, uh, Mackey, he's got on his cowboy hat, sunglasses, and he is pretty, like, pretty far along. You know, he can't be alone and stuff.


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[Assistant] And she's talking to the interviewer like, I am to you. He's sitting right next to her, just kind of like looking around, like not really keyed into the conversation. So he's like, what's day like? She's like, well,


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[Assistant] He's always like, when are we going to go? Like we're about to go somewhere because I've had to make up.


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[Assistant] So I just tell him that the, uh, like when he says that, I just go, well, the car's in the shop right now.


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[Assistant] And I tell him that there's a mechanic, a made-up mechanic named Randy who is working on it and then it just kind of satisfies him for a while and then the interviewer tries to get in on it and he's like, uh, John?


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[Assistant] Uhm, is, is your, is Randy working on your car right now? Is that what he's doing? And, and John Mackie goes, who's Randy?


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[Assistant] That's it. Yeah, great. That's it. Totally worth it. And because what happened was, again, uh, with that one, Sickler and I used to just like talk to each other on the phone and be like, who is Randy? And just say it back and forth. Yeah. Threw it in there.


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[Assistant] I've been in hotels like in the morning when you're gonna check out in like 20 minutes and just put on like turn on the TV.


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[Assistant] Land on ESPN, and they'll be like, he just wanted to meet JJ Watt. You know, and you're like, oh what the fuck. And like five minute piece on a kid.


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[Assistant] Yeah. It's just too much. It's also, there's something


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[Assistant] Is there a super famous, talented, black superstar-like type person who you haven't met? That's really the game. I feel like you know them all.


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[Assistant] I don't know if this is in the doc or not. I haven't watched it. We have it, but I haven't watched it. Uhm, but I remember reading the Chicago Sun Times piece, like the big writer that did the expose a few years ago, and it always stuck with me. They said that he was known to be, to go long periods of time unbathed.


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[Assistant] And he would show up with like stained...


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[Assistant] You know, sweatpants and like just matted hair and stunk and like that's how he would go out like that all the time.


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[Assistant] But those women all got together and conspired.


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[Assistant] Well, I think you're mostly right. What happens though as a guy is like once you yourself get married and have children, then you're just like, oh, women are people too. Really? Is that what you mean?


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[Assistant] You can feel it. You can feel it. I believe it.


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[Assistant] We get like, if we're just around those kids, we stay that way. But if we get away from the kids, then we're like, what am I becoming? And then you see a girl walking down the street, you put her in your car, you shut the fuck up, and you just do something.


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[Assistant] The narrative of like, I want to be challenged and it's good, you say it because it's your reality.


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[Assistant] That's true, that's true. I can't tolerate that personality. No.


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[Assistant] No way. Did you see that? Did you see that? Uh, I was at Blemondales and I'd be like, alright, yea, that's true. I would be fucking annoyed. Well that's the thing.


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[Assistant] I mean, she was, and like, there was a kind of person, she was really pretty, and I go, uhm, like, what do you want to do now? You know, or like, what do you want to eat or something? And she was like, I dunno.


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[Assistant] What do you want to eat? I was like, okay, let's eat this. And then it was like, and like, so we're, you know, like during like the general conversation, I was like, do you like music too? Yes. I was like, okay.


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[Assistant] That's why I asked her out. This is about getting a phone number. You get a phone number, you're like, it's always based on the floor model. Alright, I want the number. Then you call the number and you set it up and you're like, alright. And then the exchange is like, oh.


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[Assistant] That's interesting. I was all dick when this happened. This is like, I'm like 22. Yeah. And I still was like...


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[Assistant] I just, you know, I had one of my roommates was one of those like, you know, all systems go guys. It was just like.


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[Assistant] How are you doing tonight? You're beautiful. I feel happy now that I'm just talking. And like, if that went away, he would look across the room. Boom. And then you'd see him with a different girl and then we'd leave the club. He'd be with another and he was just going to take what anything. Cause he had to.


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[Assistant] I was like, look, if it's not like in my eye line and kind of generates itself. Now, I mean now.


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[Assistant] I really, listen, I've told you, I do get hit on like once every few years by somebody that's respectable.


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[Assistant] I get, I get some animals and then I definitely get a lot of compliments. I wouldn't say like asking me out. Compliments from gay dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I get, I get something and it's always a misdirect. It'll be like, saw your special, man, I laughed my ass off. Doesn't hurt that you're easy on the eye. What? So, you know, stuff like that.


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[Assistant] Because most of them, if they're a fan of mine or something, they'll know my situation. You just don't do it. I'll get that one, just, lunatic who's like, I wouldn't mind if you sat on my face and you're like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he has a special, another special I should say out on Netflix now, it's Comedians of the World. You can also watch Three Mikes on Netflix. Uhm, of course if you've never seen Chappelle's show.


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[Assistant] Get all those DVDs or just rip it. Still available guys. He still has a piece.


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[Assistant] Excellent. Uhm, look, we have to break, uh, but I feel like we could podcast with you for hours and hours and hours. Can we do another one? Will you come back and we can, like, break down? Are we done? Yeah. Yeah, we're pretty much done. Yeah. Yeah. Uhm, but it's really fun to talk to you, man. Yes, thank you for coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back, and guess what, just a couple days ago, Season 3 of Crash, of Gone Smashing,


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[Assistant] That's the fart mic. Oh my god. And you were saying something meaningful and of substance. That is...


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[Assistant] Do you state, do you still have to point out that you're also on the show? Or no?


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[Assistant] Dude, fucking, uh, Colbert's music guy, uh, John, what's his name? Stamos? No, his bandleader, uh, uh, Colbert's bandleader? Yeah, told me, small piano. This year, no, last year. He's like, hey man, keep doing it. I was like, cool.


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[Assistant] You farted. Uhm, so wait, you were saying before though, you said that you would almost tell your manager now, like, dude, what?


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[Assistant] Yeah, and what happens is that's what they sell, right? They sell the access. I mean, essentially.


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[Assistant] And, but not only that, when, like, the premise of the show, of Crashing, is based on a real time in your life, and weren't some comics obviously really good to you? Like, to inspire, like, people that were ahead of you, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] You know, it depends on how he's... And when sex and just doesn't go well with it, like a, you know, pretty Christian upbringing, like, you know, I have pretty Catholic parents and, you know, you start to definitely feel like this is a bad thing. Sexual thoughts, sexual feelings, sexual acts.


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[Assistant] And it's also like the highest form of that suffering, turning it into a piece of art. That's exactly right.


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[Assistant] He's beloved, he's so beloved by the whole community really.


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[Assistant] It's something going on inside of them. How well-versed, because you took to the Christian upbringing and then you went to a Christian college, how well-versed are you in the Bible and Christianity?


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[Assistant] I wanted to get your take on these, uhm, Christian jokes. You know? Just tell me. It breaks my heart. This is breaking my heart. I just want to know. I will.


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[Assistant] I got reprimanded for saying penis, and I wasn't saying like, suck it, I was just


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[Assistant] Just like saying that, you know, someone's penis. Yeah. And then I got off stage. This was at uh, Junior's in Erie, Pennsylvania. And the woman who had bought the club was like, I only like clean comedy. So when you get booked, they're like, can you do a clean set? And I looked at it like, hey, I need the work and kind of a challenge. So I just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you bump up against. You bump up against what you, when you're not in that group and you meet that person, you bump up against what you perceive as this, the phoniness. You go like, you're putting on something here. And that you don't express any doubt and that you have all the answers and it feels like it's,


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[Assistant] You said that just, just so, like you said it like you were literally upset.


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[Assistant] Bunch of, uh, something with eggs, right? They were...


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[Assistant] Well, I do know what you're saying. Do you realize how fucking lame this joke is?


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[Assistant] So the joke is, how do you make holy water? Get regular water and boil the devil out of it.


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[Assistant] This is definitely going to be a vampire.


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[Assistant] I, I just want to kill myself. That's what I'm saying is like, I think this, this, I think do it. Oh man, here we go.


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[Assistant] But do you think though, cause have you ever met or hung out with somebody who genuinely is like,


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[Assistant] They're so sheltered that they have this like innocence way where you're like, are you fucking serious? Where they, they laugh at shit like that. Like they have such that.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? No, I know people like that. I have an aunt who's like 75 and still like that. Where like, she reads, uhm, Reader's Digest books. They have a joke section and it's jokes like this. And she'll sometimes laugh till tears.


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[Assistant] Yeah, when they fully isolate themselves, it's... Now look how hard this nerd laughed at that fucking joke.


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[Assistant] I know a guy. I know, but I'm saying, like, as far as the video goes, that's the beginning of it, right? That's the whole thing.


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[Assistant] This is a long time ago. So we'd gone out a few times and this is, I thought that like, cause I actually really am lovey dovey and you know, like relationships and I'd gone out with her and I assume because I'm sleeping with her that we're kinda going towards


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we go out a few times and then she's at my place and I think we, I forget if, maybe we had just


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[Assistant] We just had, had sex, we were about to and she's like, you know, uhm, this other guy that I'm having sex with? And I was like, yeaah. And she's like, like he really, you know, bosses me around and like, you know, like puts toys in me and like really like


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[Assistant] And then, and then you just kinda do it, right? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] What I was trying to say was this, to me any amount of like hesitation or like not wanting to do something to me would always completely turn me off from any sexual experience. I'll go one weirder with you.


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[Assistant] I know it's a never ending story at our house.


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[Assistant] The first thing we did when we got this space, now...


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[Assistant] Four months ago, was sign up for internet. And paid for it. Every month. A sizable fee, because it's a business, like office park. And in four months, they haven't been able to give us internet yet. Four months.


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[Assistant] They left, they fired us after last week's show.


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[Assistant] When we were moving to this space, we started talking about it, podcasts had some traction, our agents were like trying to make something happen, like make some money off of the fact that we were upgrading the studio. I just have to go home.


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[Assistant] I turned down lower offers because I thought it was just ridiculous. And somehow they came up to 2.3 million dollars that we could basically spend to run this operation for a few years. And then last week we're doing the show.


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[Assistant] The irony is that what I have to deal with is that this is now by far the hardest I've ever laughed from a video and he's responsible for us losing two million dollars in sponsorship money.


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[Assistant] That's the origin of this period is get out of the house.


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[Assistant] What do you mean? I was just trying to secure one.


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[Assistant] I do, but here's the thing, the most fun thing is to wear sweatpants and a shirt with a stain on it. And get in a Lambo. And get in a Lambo or something.


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[Assistant] Alright, I'll be honest with you, I'll be honest with you. I hate Lamborghinis. What do you mean? I'm really not a fan.


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[Assistant] I don't understand, aren't they the best? No. I just, I feel like it's a clown car. I could never...


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[Assistant] Uh, you can get, I mean you can get in one for probably like two and a quarter. Like, you know, but, but like, you know, if you want to get like a nicer model, you're spending like four hundred.


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[Assistant] What do you mean? I threw them a hundred grand to hold this one car and then they gave it back to me because I was like, I'm not going to get it. So.


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[Assistant] I don't spend that, I don't spend crazy money. I really don't. Have you not bought anything that you're like, wow, that's...


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[Assistant] Jewelry. I mean I bought this. Jewelry's a great investment. I got this Cuban linked diamond studded chain. I swear it was 35 grand and I've worn it once and I got it two years ago.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I did, I mean, we had to give all the McDonald's money back. That's serious money, man. Yeah, but then you went to Morton's. Yeah, Morton's.


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[Assistant] That's our new system. And by the way, we don't want internet, in case you're wondering. I like that.


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[Assistant] He's got a cat. He's an outdoorsman for sure.


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[Assistant] Got the body. I'm kinda feel like, I feel like Pete's the first guy that made me feel this ridiculous. About what? About everything.


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[Assistant] Diamond guy? He really does. I bet he does. You wanna know what's something crazy? Should we say it or no? We shouldn't say it.


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[Assistant] The, the diamond thing. No? Okay. Yeah. He put me in touch with someone.


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[Assistant] I don't think I'm like doing anything really out right. I mean the jewelry is kinda crazy, I admit that. I just don't buy anything.


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[Assistant] You don't think it's just like, stupid? It's fantasy stuff though.


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[Assistant] Who's fantasy? It's my fantasy because I grew up so, so immersed and consumed by hip hop culture and music that I really wanted to be one of those guys. And so when I finally made enough money to buy something, I just bought the stuff that I saw them wearing. I know it's ridiculous, you know?


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[Assistant] I mean it's a chain with my name on it and it's in diamonds, three different colors and it's got a thing of my beard around it, all diamonds.


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[Assistant] But how much, what else, I mean how ridiculous, I'm not that crazy, right? I mean am I really that crazy with stuff?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I'm saying that's not problematic, right? Like, it's not like if you're like, man, you keep buying the sweatshirt. No, I'm saying it's the size.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I think like after a great show especially, you're like, that was, for you, you're like, that was an experience. That's right.


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[Assistant] What do you do to make yourself, you know, find it more?


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[Assistant] You go, it's also like, it's when you go, I really truly, you accept that there's versions of yourself that aren't like,


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[Assistant] Uh, perfect in A1, and then when you accept it is when you actually feel...


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[Assistant] Cool and enlightened and happy about it. I had this thing like a week or two ago. Just felt...


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[Assistant] I think it's kinda like the moment you're describing where I just felt extreme gratitude for my life. Just like my whole life.


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[Assistant] No, I just, you know, I just feel like, uh, I just felt extremely like,


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[Assistant] I felt extremely like just happy, just so overjoyed that I expressed my gratitude.


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[Assistant] Yes. Agreed. Agreed. Haters. Haters. Sundays on HBO, 10pm. Don't look at the graphic on Pete's Twitter page. It is Sundays, 10pm.


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[Assistant] I'm thankful, I wanna give so gratitude for all of you, to everybody but McDonald's.


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[Assistant] What are you doing? It's just so like, why would you put the audience through this? What are you doing? And all the like, it's so lecture-y and shit now too, it's like, you're gonna not only not do jokes, which is what they paid for, but then also


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, they never mention me in those arguments because I don't fit the narrative because I'm not like a famous draw really, you know, like some people will come out to see me, but I'm not gonna like fill the seats, like I'm not the one like making the main room, uh, or whatever, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't bring me up because, you know, like I just show that you can like, like work hard and do the job and not like, what like, you know, when you guys are counting lineups, like when I was at your stage in comedy, I was like, uh, doing like I was like on stage, you know, it's not like I had all these people. I remember when I started doing mics in New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And these girls would get mad at me. It wasn't just girls, but it was like, you know, this certain, like, class of comedians that I, like, I guess started with. They would get so mad, like I had one girl who, like, blocked me on all these social media things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, wait, what's happening? I see you every day. And she was like, I'm mad because you...


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[Assistant] I didn't have friends, like I was like wanting to do it, so. You're a comedian, that sounds great. Yeah, I was like, I had a day job working as a waitress, and I would immediately, I had my hustle down where I had like friends that would sign me up for my therapy, I would sign them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike Lawrence, when I first started doing open mics, I've been doing comedy ten, almost ten now.


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[Assistant] What took you there? I went to college there. Oh, okay. To the College of Santa Fe, which went out of business. My college fuckin' Trumpued. It went out of business. Uhm, I got an email from my, I had moved to New York. Uhm, I had all these incompletes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just figured like I would graduate college at some point before I died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, left Santa Fe, moved to New York, had just quit drinking and started doing open mics, and I get a message on my Facebook from one of my old, uhm, art professors, and she's like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I ended up getting an Adderall prescription and charging on my credit card a bunch of flights and I had to fly to Santa Fe twice in two weeks because I had a statistics class that... So hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but the, the guy that wouldn't, the guy that was my statistics teacher was a...


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[Assistant] But he would wear like this cloak with like the rabbit teeth things and...


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[Assistant] They were just so weird and it was like, they look like ghosts from another time, but he was very strict and...


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, yeah, you can't, well you have to pay attention so much and you have to completely get the concept of it to... Yeah, I'm not interested, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I was like dealing with a lot of like self-hate and shit so I would just sort of like squash it down. So you had to start early in the morning for that. Wow. I drank all the time, I drank all day and I had a motor scooter and I was also a waitress and a bartender so it's like that sort of culture where everyone's drinking and Santa Fe is a very small town of like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Santa Fe I go hard, and then in New York I'm going hard, but it's like nobody else, like it's...


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[Assistant] Well, it depends on, like, it was, it would depend, no, not cabinet. It would be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would wake up late and just probably go to bars. But I had, I remember I had a boyfriend once in college who was so gay. It was like, I mean, he's married to a woman now. I don't, she already has a kid. I think he's like, I want to have to fuck her stinky pussy. She's already got a kid. She's so gross, her tuna. Anyway, but, um, she, he, um,


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[Assistant] We would drink a lot, I think he was drinking a lot because he was like gonna try to like, but he was always like, he was always like, let's have this dude fuck us. I'm like alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We would just get so drunk, everything was like so like partyish or whatever. And I remember we-


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[Assistant] Like dude, like, but he, but, but that guy...


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[Assistant] We used to, we called, uh, the Jack Daniels OJ, so in the morning we'd be like, yo, pass the OJ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, why do they keep bringing my parents up? It's like, I've dealt with that. Uhm, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to, I did go to AA for a year, or not for a year, sorry, for three months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I'm like, I'm not calling them and I'm like talking to them not that often. I'm like, yo, you guys, remember when we used to talk every day that was literally just me annoying you? So whatever, we'll see. But you're still upset with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm, yeah, I'm, I'm not, yeah, I love them, I forgive them, but I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe uhm, my ability to love is a little bit stronger than theirs, but it's probably a product of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was talking to my boyfriend about it, and my, they didn't teach me to like read and stuff, like they didn't, I didn't, I just am learning about history, like they sent me to a juvenile delinquent school and I kinda wasn't, like everyone got kicked out of their schools, I didn't, they just like, were like, there's an art program, like they just put me in a school with like, like young criminals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I'm hungry, but it's like, I was like a cute little kid, like I was kind of like a pretty little girl, and so they just, they didn't realize like what,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I'm like jungle, I'm just, topless, just in a loincloth. Everyone's mad at me. Uhm, but they, brown skinned at that time too. A boy!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, oh, do you think our daughter's beautiful? Have her. It just was like very, my mom was mad. I'm a twin and she didn't only want to have two kids. And I think she like kind of like was like overwhelmed and I was the girl and she didn't, my mom had a pituitary adenoma when she was little, which was like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A growth in her, or a tumor in her pituitary gland, so she didn't like get her period till she was 19 or anything, so she has like a really weird relationship with femininity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm correct, like she's never, I mean, she will confirm, I guess. She's always like, you always call me out on stuff. I'm like, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but, no it really is like a weird thing because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they, I had one brother and we were held back in kindergarten because of my brother had learning disabilities. And then, uhm, in second grade when I couldn't read,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, they were like, well, my mom would always tell me, well, then we found out about your learning disabilities in second grade, which is like, never needed to tell me that. Uhm, could have just told me the part where it was max, but uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, then I'm thinking back on it, I'm looking at it, I'm like, I don't think I had reading problems. They told me I had a tracking pro- my mom like sent me to this like whole institute and stuff, all this stuff where it's like, mom you never sat down and taught me to read.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you acting like I was supposed to just know how to read? Like she literally never, I say that I got, she uhm, school homed me. She like thought, she just sent me to school to do all the home things. She's like, they'll do it. But I'm like, you know, all the parents are like also sitting down with their kids. It's not like they're just sending them and like the teachers have like all these other students.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just so wild. It's like my mom in front of my boyfriend, I was like, mom, I don't remember you like teaching me, did you teach me to read? And she starts laughing. She's like, of course not. Like she thinks it's so funny, she's a fuck up. I'm like, you could just try to be better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I'm like, I'm telling you the exact truth and I'm giving you even the words you could say back and you can't do it. It's like, but I think there's so many like secrets that people grow. And I think that generation too, like we're much more like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Protect it, like, we're all like telling everyone all our shit, but it's like, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, there's so many secrets and there's so many things that you have to tell yourself and lie to yourself about to not, like, let the dominoes fall. So, I do understand that, but it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so my parents do the Landmark Forum, uhm, which I don't know if you're- That's amazing that they-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they didn't do it once. They've been doing it for 12 years. You know when you do a thing and it's supposed to teach you how to like go into the rest of your life and


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[Assistant] Uhm, it's culty, it's like, it depends on how you use it, but it's a self-development thing. It's a derivative from S.


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[Assistant] You go into a seminar and it's, so you pay like, I don't know, it's like 800 bucks or something, which is a little pricey. Uhm, you go into a seminar and there's like one leader, there's no, all the walls are white, you know, all the chairs are uniform, you sit there, it's like really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they force you to pay attention, and it's all about, it's kind of like, it's a lot of different, uhm, theories of, uh, psychology put in one, but it's, you know, essentially like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're getting to the point of like where your life is empty and meaningless so you can fill it and you're creating these stories, but there's all of these like specific words they use which I, you know, I did it when I was 19, my parents wanted me to do and I did it and it was, you know, it's that feeling, a weird feeling you get at the end of it where you're kind of surrendering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it feels very culti- it feels just very like, uh, religious, like almost-


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[Assistant] Well also, they pull, they pull you, I know it's like a cowardly, I don't know, like for me I do anything, but like I'm like, I guess I believe in psychics?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I'll get my tarot cards read. There's something, like, so confronting about therapy, I think, for people, or for me at least. Of course, it's terrifying. Yeah, it's just a lot, and I'm like, I'm paying this much fucking money. But uhm, alright, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, with the thing, the problem that I had with Landmark was at the end of it, they then go, you should reconnect with all these people. And I've had a lot of people do me dirty and I always accepted responsibility, my parents included, where it was so hard for me to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in Landmark and then at the end they want, it's all about like reconnecting with anyone you have.


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[Assistant] Uhm, any sort of like ill will with or anything and it's not, that's probably not the message of the landmark, they probably don't say anyone but,


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[Assistant] Yo, if I haven't talked to you in four years, don't you dare ask me for free tickets. Get the fuck, like I don't know you. Or whatever, maybe not four years, but it's just like, you know, I was like collecting people all the time, so then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When landmarks sort of, at the end of the weekend, when they're like, reconnect with people, I'm reconnecting with people that really fucked me over. Like, not fucked me over in a little way, but like, that are dangerous people for me to be around, and then I'm having to call them and tell them what I did wrong.


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[Assistant] I was sexually assaulted by my teacher for real and I actually went to court and no one believed me. And you don't need people to believe you, you need the judge to believe you.


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[Assistant] You don't need your friend- It's like a popularity thing to be beli- Like, I don't fucking need that. Like, that's like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My parents did, but it's their fault it happened. So it's like, uh, you know, looking back, I'm like, oh, of course they wanted to like settle and stuff because my parents just, uh, I was just not, I was given no rules. I was given no discipline at all.


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[Assistant] That it was, you know, her way to like relate to dudes was to like bro, you know, like, which I do too, but it's like sh-


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't, I don't know, but so they had, earlier before that happened when I was 15,


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[Assistant] She never would let people say I was pretty or anything, like it would always be like, she's smart, but it was like, I didn't, I literally got the message that I wasn't pretty, which, like, I'm not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I, I think that it's gross for girls to run around being like, I'm hot shit or whatever, but I think there was a level of awareness, I was a level of attractive that, that was, it was dangerous to send me out, like it was like, uhm,


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[Assistant] Like I was just a, I was a girl, she was treating me like a boy in a way, you know, I was just, not that boys don't get molested all the time, but it was like, I just, uhm,


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[Assistant] I just had no clue what I looked like until like this year, so I was always like confused. I'm like, I'm flashing my tits, why is everyone mad at me? I look like a boy, like why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh, I don't look like a boy. Uhm, and so there was just like this kind of like nagging of my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which it's like, alright, that's cute that you're, you know, cause I'm looking at it like she's proud of me or whatever. But that's not what it is. Okay? That's not what it is.


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[Assistant] And it's Christmas, and my mom owns an eBay drop-off store.


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[Assistant] And my mom's eBay drop-off store, she gets a bunch of weird shit.


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[Assistant] And so, and she thinks it's funny to give us these gifts. And none of us think it's funny. It's always annoying. It's always like some, it smells like someone's basement. It's like, oh, can you get this away from the children? Like my nieces and nephews was like, everyone's like, please stop bringing this trash into our house.


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[Assistant] So, I'm on stage, I'm just starting, I'm, I get really nervous in Philly because I had all this stuff happen in high school, so I, I really get nervous people are gonna c- I don't-


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[Assistant] I don't like anyone from, like my friends, like I'm like, I don't want anyone from my high school to show, I'm scared, I have a lot of predators there, so I'm like, uhm, I get real nervous in my Philly shows, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the week, I'll tell you about the year before when I did Thanksgiving there. Alright, after this. So she, so for some dumb reason I forget my mom's my mom and I think me telling her this will let her know to really not interrupt, not be difficult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She drives me into the, I go with her into the, to the club, okay? So I'm with her the whole time.


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[Assistant] So I don't see her bringing anything in or anything cause I'm just not paying attention. I'm just like a little bit nervous trying to stay on track. Get there.


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[Assistant] She's trying to, I'm like, I don't want to meet your friend. Like I don't have time for this. I have to like, you know, get pumped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I get on stage, I'm a little nervous, I have like a rougher start than usual, and uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And maybe five minutes in when I'm just getting my, starting to get my bearings, she throws a present on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay? She snuck a fucking present in. She snuck a fucking present in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And threw it onto the stage. She goes, Hey, I got you a present. And throws it like, while I'm in the middle of the joke. So then, okay.