[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm so happy Tom left us with this clip. It's, this is so fucking disturbing and then he leaves to go take a shit in the middle of the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you known anybody who just takes shits in the middle of their podcast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, very rare. If you work with somebody who's like, hold on guys, I have to stop production.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're just like, hey guys, I really have to shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's amazing. You're so creative. This is how your brain works. This is what I'm talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you believe in fun. I think that's why I love you so much. When we pulled up to your house, I'm not gonna tell people what you have in your home, but I love that there's silliness happening. From the moment you pull up to Greg's house, you're like, oh my gosh, who does this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you even have the sign to your house when it says Casa de Garcia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I didn't know that, but I just love that stuff. I think it's so fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When did you learn that life could be fun or did you always have this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, how is your shit, first of all, press pause on this topic because this is obviously close to the YMH heart. It's margarita though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The toes got cut off so cleanly, like we thought it may be frostbite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then is that a hose in between their legs or did someone drop, take off their pants?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You went on the Margaritaville cruise. Oh yea. Now did they hand you a menu and they're like the slam and bam and the da da da da like all those stupid drinks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he as fun as Margaritaville is? Like, he's really that fun guy. He was fun, yea, he was just a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you get a lay, and then, and then, are there just, is there a row of blenders, I imagine, like the constant blenders moving?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, do they play the song, Margaritaville, on the hour? Every hour? Like, is there a time for Margaritaville?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I, I wonder, you wonder like, oh, does Jimmy Buffett have such a fan base that he can do this? But I guess it's irrelevant. Like Margaritabil is just, it's an idea. It's a, it's a place in your mind. It's a vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well hold on now, I like what you're thinking, and because you're a celebrity, m- may I charge, uh, like a pay-per-view for this, just as a fund?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be cool. Might as well make a little money off of it. Like a YMH live situation, but people can watch your death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and also, I mean, this is morbid as shit, but like, worth mentioning, clean out your shit bef- like when you're well. Like, when you go through a dead people's stuff, you find crazy things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips, dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something is, nobody hates you that didn't hate you before. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We was sick of that family because of her. Will Smith was, he was, he was this close to Bill Murray's status where people felt so bad for him and were so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so impressed that he endured this fucking succubus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But people act like Jada Pinkett is this, like, fragile angel that has to be protected, and I was like, no, she's an evil bitch. She destroyed this man. She treats him like shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's one thing to fuck somebody I know, that's fine. It's one thing to fuck someone that I've signed as friends with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's kind of corny. No, no, I think it's, I think it's all of it. I think she's one of those, she's got like a goddess complex. She likes, she likes having the bad boy over here and she likes having the fucking pussy dude over here that's worshipping her. You know what I'm saying? She likes having it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there you go. There was your birthday. Happy birthday. Wait, was Tom on the road? Yes. Probably. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, you didn't spend three years. Three years, cause my ego's not too big. In fact, I'd say you probably put more planning into surprises for Bert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you did bring up the lack of 40th birthday shit like 6 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it was probably her idea. And they just took it over like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but she also like is really dressed down here, like maybe she forgot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. And they call themselves drag syndrome. Drag syndrome. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that an extra chromosome or missing one? Good question, let's look that up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a couple, a couple long DMs from, I got something from like the Down Syndrome Association of America or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were just like, you know, we represent all of these kids and I was like, well don't show it to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woman with Down syndrome, so their group could be diverse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and you know what, you know what it is man is, there is a piece of me that was, because I've, when I first wrote that joke,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I was working at the Madhouse in San Diego.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the club was about to rip out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The club to uhm, to the San Diego Down Syndrome for Children thing. They do a fundraiser there. They did it every year. But this was the first year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You better than that. You can say any other word. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to try. I'm going to try. I promise. I'm going to try. I'm going to use other words. And I did. I would say special. I would say blessed, touched, all these other things. But when,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then when I wrote the joke that calls back to that joke, I was like, there's nothing better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, I had to do it for, cause you know every, what a regular person doesn't understand is that every comic was that kid in class that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you have these moments where something funny can be said, but only if you say it right then. Right. If you let it pass, and sometimes it's the most inappropriate moment, and it's the most inappropriate thing, but if you don't say it, no one in the history of humanity will ever have that chance again. Yeah, it's all about timing. Yeah, and you have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what it's like, I said it cause I had, cause it was the funniest thing to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen someone say it to a special needs kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I just don't like the commercial happiness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow, okay. Yeah, it's strange. So her name's not Brooke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you know what, I don't know shit about country music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even know he was still alive or this famous. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just have one, just have a couple cons per school, like follow around the troubled children. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are they, are they, are they, are they successful rap?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, stop taking sides. You don't know what it's like to be in a relationship with your mom. She might be a cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, it's just like, like, you ever have a friend and then all of a sudden they're your boss or something and it's a whole different thing? Yes. It's like, you don't know what it's like to date your mom. He just left to make him happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not having money was something everybody was doing, so I was like, if you want your-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want your kids to have a relationship with your father or not? You know, cause it sounds like your anger is really about some other shit, or your mom has poisoned your mind against your dad, but go see your fucking father. Stop being a little bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I spent way too much of my life angry at my father. And it ain't worth it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Unless he touched your butthole, you can forgive. Hey man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And forgive, forgive, forgiveness is for you, it's not for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, some people feel like, oh, I'm not, they don't deserve it. It's like, but it's for, it's for you to let it, let them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So by punishing your dad, you're really punishing your kids by not letting them know they're grandad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that, it's not that being big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I, I'm somebody that struggled with my, we've all struggled with our weight, right? But it's one of them things where it's like, it's not about how much you weigh, but it's about that you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You not, you not, your swag is not on maximum. Cause you hate how much you weigh. Right. So until you start taking care of yourself to the point where you're confident, it's not, it's never gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The apps are not for people that are, the apps are not for people that are lonely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the apps are for people that don't need them. You know what I'm saying? It's like 90% of the women on the apps go after the top 20% of the men. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you haven't had an intimate relationship in 10 years, you gotta just take the first one you can get, get her warmed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When is the first time I've ever seen a kid with Down syndrome that wasn't fucking happy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, oh. Cause, cause, cause, cause I wouldn't mind sharing the toilet, but the moment I see your streaks in the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you need your own. And the fact that you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I get it, sometimes you take an exhausting, messy brown. And, and, and, you know, and it's one of those joints that just, it needed to happen. It, it released you. It was like more than just the shit. It was like therapy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but for your spouse to walk in and go, hey babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to, and for you to do anything but go, oh I'm so sorry, and do it, you're a piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a piece of shit. I wish I could switch your situation with the overweight lady. Cause I wish I could give her your husband.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you don't deserve him. She deserves a husband. You deserve to just be in a house full of streaks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the other thing, everyone likes shitting in a clean toilet. They do. That's true. So when you, when you ask yourself this lady, when you use the restroom and the toilet's clean, you didn't clean it the last time you used it. Who you think did that? Your husband. Yeah. You're ungrateful. I'm not going to call you out your name, but I don't know your name, nor do I want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they think all guys are watching Kevin, Kevin Samuels like he they daddy or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's like, I just watch it for entertainment. It's entertaining as shit. Because most guys never get to see women get knocked down to pig. Right, right. That's why I watch it, cause it's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he would do the same thing to men. He started out as like an image consultant for men. But no one was watching. You know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's a bunch of people, there's a whole, now they call it the nanosphere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a whole branch of the internet that branched off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean. Wow, dude. I mean, that's, see, that's, that's kind of, that's hard to hear. It is hard to hear, right? It is hard to hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, but you know what the problem is? Is they're doing this on live. You can, so because this is free, but you can pay him for a private consultation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would not have the balls to say this to a woman that was standing. Oh, exactly. I think that's what a lot of dudes get out of watching this, is that we've all been with women that we wish we could be this honest with. Right, right, right. And we can't. So we like to watch him be honest with women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we, but then we've also learned that to her, sure means yes, definitely. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For real? Mama will take that Mercedes back and give yo ass a Civic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I hooked her up this past weekend. Right. He'd be like, mom, I love you so much, I'mma trade that, ask you to be in for a motorcycle. I'mma give you a motorcycle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you know what? See, usually it's the driver's the last one to get hurt. This dude is hurt the most.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't get to take that kind of risk with everybody in the cart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you stupid motherfucker. Good job, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean he definitely got, he definitely got a contusion, like his personality's not the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, go to BS, uh, go to Bryan Simpson comedy dot com, or you can go to any of my socials and click on the link tree. BS comedian on Instagram, BS comedian on Twitter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen, look at the nausea on the left side. It's all something else. Is that? Am I trippin'?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that that British show where they were like trying to go ahead and cut him out of the house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No? At a thousand pounds? I mean, it's definitely not gonna be potent. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is. I'm sure there's a whole subreddit where they like, if you lift your knee up and, and if you, you can hold your stomach and put your leg this way and your dick will just poke out. You know, like they have, I'm sure there's a method in the community.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm sure we'll figure it out. I might just get that fact just to find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I thought there was gonna be another person in the room that she was like, I take care of this other, this other. The fucking voice that she does is terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got on a pink wig, elf ears, and like wooden feather in her hair, and she thinks she still needs a way to choke her. We know you like being choked bitch. You got on elf ears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're great. And the thing is, they found a very specific kind of dwarf. Yea. Right? Because all these dwarfs have the same body. They're like muscular. Yea, they have adult upper bodies and child legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, but that, that dude was like the Usain Bolt of Bidgets. Yeah, I would go to one of these. I would too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the winner gets a modello and everybody else gets a corona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think she means how fast one leg move, like how fast them legs can move, but not how quickly, not how long it can go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they're definitely harder to knock over. Yeaah. Cause they're closer to the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm on the road now a lot and it's like, if I ever see a lady like this, I know that it's only a matter of time before someone says nigga to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a mean-spirited thing. Because most people that want to say it, they want to get away with saying it around a black person. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes them feel cool. Right. I'm so cool that a black person let me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, a ho is gonna always be a ho. You can't, you don't snap out your ho face. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made a mistake of trying to find which food this bitch likes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it, and now she's been trained to just like having different food every other fucking week. She would never, she would like, like the shit, and then I would buy a bunch of the shit, and then she wouldn't eat the shit. And I would buy some new shit, and she would love the shit, and I would buy a bunch of shit. And then I really, and then the vet was like, yeah, you fucked up. Now she's gonna just always expect some different shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how hoes are. They get some, they, they come up getting different dick from all the situations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's depressing. It's tough. It's tough. I wonder what inspired this TikTok. She definitely got cheated on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I, I don't like to judge these people as much. Well, yes I do. Yea, I do too. I'm talking about who's the best. It's like, bro, get a fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And mayonnaise is eggs, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She gonna toast the vegetables and leave the chicken raw. It's just so nasty. You're really on one today. I swear to god. Again, if somebody offered me this kind of meal, within the hour someone's gonna say negative to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, so yeaah, I guess I'm going with the can. I'm going with the canned chicken and racism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is foul, I hate this. It just looks like, and it doesn't look like, what kind of ring is that? Class ring it looks like. Yea, it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the survival people now, it's just hard to tell. Have you seen a guy that's famous for like telling people how to stop not getting shot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. How to stop it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'mma have to spill away fishin', and y'all ain't never seen shit like this before, okay? Here, it's some black folks with goddamn serious talent. Watch this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. We have a really special treat today, a very special guest. You know her perhaps as Senora Tetas or the internet's fart mistress. It's my mom, Charo!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fartmistress. A fartmistress. You know what we get the most complaints about? No more farts. That's exactly right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have burps now. Well, that would be nice if you shared those. People have been for years going, how are you gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Introduce yourself to the world this way and then go, oh, I'm done. I'm done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want no mention of the fart, like on your tombstone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does that mean? That's the length of that fart. That's how long it lasts. 9.72 seconds. So only the people that know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I make one observation about, not about you, but just about farts in general, and then we'll get, we'll move on. Yeah, please. Do you agree?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The burps were, I have never heard. You sound like a truck driver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's talk about that in a minute. All right. Here's the opening clip and we'll do the opening clip. So you just watch the clip. Then the theme song plays. Okay. Okay. You have to look at the screen for the video. Okay. Yeah, here we go. You can look at this screen. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I don't know, I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyhow. Anyhow. Anyhow. Anyhow. I think he's got holes in his brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had an episode that you appeared on removed. We never released it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, the guys that helped me record it, but nobody saw it, it wasn't released.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not, first of all, I wasn't even in the same state as you when we did that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, a little glass of wine with a little bit of ice. That would be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, well we should first say that we have been spending a lot of time together. You came out here for Christmas. And you're stuck with me. And New Year's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And tomorrow you're leaving. We will mourn the fact that you're leaving, but uhm, uh, you came out and it was a great Christmas, and we're very fortunate that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're very fortunate in that we were able, we're in a position, uhm, to be able to take like a family trip to Hawaii.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we'll talk about it. I'm just making the point that uhm, I feel very grateful that, that I'm able to do something like that and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, I just, I meant that like, there was a couple moments where I was like, this is what I've always wanted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like even on the plane, I remember one of the flight attendants, I didn't realize that she was just tan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was like, do you think you could switch with the other lady to take care of us? It would make us more comfortable. And she was like, what did I do wrong? And then I was like, oh, are you, were you in Hawaii? She was like, yeah, I just have a tan. I was like, oh, okay. And then she took care of us again. But it was just, you know, it was like one of those moments that, that, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we stop for a second? Is the wheelchair cause you're crippled? Why are you in a wheelchair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, gotcha. So then you get to Austin, somebody picks you up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I went out like this, I went to the gym like this, I went to, and here's the thing, you forget, when this has happened to me before, when you have had like a beard for a long time, there's moments, there's, you know, first you see yourself in the mirror and you're like, holy shit. And then you just get on with your day and you forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And until you catch mirrors, or you run into somebody who you know. Like, I went to my, uh, flight class, like this. And, like, I went just like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy who has been instructing me goes, Hi, I don't think we've met before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yeah, and I go, it's me. Are you serious? He was like, oh, sorry man. Like, it was that dramatic. This is a guy that like I've been, you know, spending time with and he was like, huh? Uhm, people thought I was a cop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, yeaah. So that was, I did this for about 36 hours. And then I posted it on Christmas, but it was a few days before. And then I did grab some completely, I have not seen my face in like 15 years. But I sent them to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, here has been the cool thing though, is that since I saw my mother from the day that I shaved,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a clean shaven face until today, which is this level of growth every day. She's like, are you going to keep that disgusting thing on your face? You're going to grow back that grotesque beard. I mean, it's not that crazy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We run things by them all the time and I go, what's your opinion on this? And they give us their opinion and sometimes they diss it. Sometimes there's huge disagreements within the booth. Well, it's, it's a, it's an honest place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda like the stubble. The stubble. Like the two day, three day growth kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, can't believe the J's split their fucking vote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna say, I just wanna say something because I haven't seen it yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and I am putting this out there and I believe that a reputable judge would agree with me on this. If you're trying, cause we were saying like whoever burps first loses. If you're trying to say that something comes up and the person goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So suppress the, you're not burping. You kept the burp in. That is not the same as going, bah, like that's a different thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are people really feeling like that a sip, like a mouth closed? I have a present for everybody coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 365 day a year sound effect machine of burping and it's all you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that I didn't let it out. That's a polite way to handle it. The bullet left the gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now here's the thing, I'm not only not giving up that you, I'm actually gonna, I think you deserve a punishment for pulling, putting this together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't pick up on the noise. They didn't pick up on the noise. You can't make that, you can't spin that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, no, it sounds, I know Jane was there. I have witnesses. Oh, well I think we both do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me, before you even get to that, when we were done speaking this morning, you told me, I think you're right. And I said-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you asked me my opinion and when I gave it to you, you said I think you're right and the truth hurts. That's what you told me after you asked me to analyze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you're the one who's- you can't have it both ways. You can't be like, I want- you gave me a spe- you asked me to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't give you a speech. I asked you what you think this is all about. And then I told you, you told me what do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you could, you could color the story with their reaction to what you were asking for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did not say that. That's make believe. Okay, what did he say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he did not say, yeah, sure, of course. He was like, do you need that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gave him a stare because he wasn't on your side. That's what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so we are talking about the story of getting the necklace, and then she had to be brought back into reality for the real version of the story, and then you got your necklace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they got it. They can punch it up later, I swear. In post.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should call Jane. Why should we call Jane? Because she will tell us that once again you are exaggerating and making things up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bring Janet because she's lying. Because this is what you do. This is turned into the people's court. Because this is how she tells stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, she says that at breakfast this morning, when she said that she was going to give it to her, we have it on video, that I went, and then I yelled at her when she said that she was going to give that necklace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she didn't do that either. So you're doing an exaggeration the other way that she said, oh the necklace, you're gonna regift it. I said, I don't know what you're talking about. You asked me for this and I got it for you and now you're gonna give it to somebody else. But for you, when you tell the story, the version is either that I screamed and yelled at you or that I was being...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said I don't understand what you're saying. I said I don't understand what you're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was right there. The person who you said was right there was right there. And now your version is that that is not the truth. Okay, I am wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, this version of you saying I am wrong is you actually not believing that you are wrong. You just want the argument to be over. We know you. We know what you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, let's talk about you dying. When we were in the car-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, on the way here, it came, she goes, I think we're talking about the burping and not feeling well. She said something like, oh, this might be my last trip here. This might be my last trip. And then if I die, she goes, oh, if I die, you probably would like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it would be hilarious, I thought, if you died on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said that if you died, that we would joke about it. That's what you said first. In the car, you said like, who knows what you would say to your audience. I'm sure you, let's see what jokes you would make about me dying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, like take the lipstick back down, and now put the cap on and then feel that. See, huh? See? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So... She's more excited with the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, so you said that if, if you died, you know that I would make jokes about it. And actually you said something to me a couple of months ago where you go, I'm sure that if I die, you'll go on stage and you'll go, my mom died and everyone will go ha ha ha ha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it was very funny the way you had told me that, uhm, the first time? Like, uh, if you died, you said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I was there for some reason to help change you, like undress you. Yes. And your tits got stuck in your stomach or something, like it got stuck. Yes. And uhm, and how funny that would, how I would make fun of that. So then when you came to my show, I told that to you and 5700 other people and everybody did laugh. So your idea actually became a great premise for a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were talking about, it was a very funny premise, it would be outrageously-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so he's an ice fisherman, and he didn't realize, like he was set up to go fishing, and it was attached to like either a snowmobile, or, and the guy drove away and then he fell and we don't know if he lived or not, but yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I set up surf lessons for Australia which is notorious for their sharks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you do, I think the thrill is to play with death. But you wanna, but you wanna win. That's the thing. I don't wanna lose. I wanna win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe that if you break late, you can still hit the apex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said if you brake late, you can still hit that apex, you know. Uhm, I'm talking about driving on a track, you know, trying to, trying to hit new, get new times, trying to go a little faster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I wear not only a helmet and a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a six point harness. And I happen to wear a Hans device.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, well it sits over your shoulders and on the back and on the neck and what it does is it keeps your head from separating from your brain stem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. That's why it is funny. It's funny because it could happen, but it's not likely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until you run out. What happens when you run out? You think you can just go


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, uh, I think that's a pretty inaccurate way of describing the situation when you're looking at a bear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but then you actually meet the puppy and then you realize it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This absolutely fantastic young lady was saying that the city should reconsider spending some of the money that they are already spending instead of wasting it on all this nonsense, roads and signs and bullshit, on building a dungeon so that people who are dominatrixes


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A dungeon? It's like a dark room where you can tie somebody up and spank them and do like kinky, like, you know, sexual things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wants the city to pay for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like, it's ignoring, it's ignoring like a huge segment of the population, you know? Like, so there's like that kind of room, you know?


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[Assistant] I don't like the puking. Doesn't like puke sounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The truck, he flew out of the... Look, he's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The white truck gets sideswiped and the guy driving it goes flying out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uhm, the high heel going into the penis with the blood coming out? I know, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By paper bags. So he comes in, he's like, oh, I like those bags, I like their sounds, and he touches them, and he's like, I wish I could date one of you. But he's talking about the bags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's real. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, we could actually do that. We could do that ourselves. If we got gardening shears, we could do haircuts. We could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina took me one time in LA to a chiropractor she had started seeing and it's at his house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, the guy, it was a personality. Like I'll just say that he was a real personality. So, you know, I go in, he's like, you know, I'm in the waiting area and then he's like, yeah, I can see, you know, the way you're sitting. He's like a little bit older.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I got some L3 stuff here out of this part of your thing and I'm going to make these adjustments. He's like, you know, what I do is real shit that people make fun of chiropractors. I'm, I'm, I'm the real deal. And I was like, oh, okay. I mean, that's why I'm here. So yeah, I'm excited to thank you for seeing me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, and let me tell you something man, like I am not, I might be, I'm a little older, but see that? See what I said right there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yup. And he goes, yeah, I'm still, I'm lightning fast. You can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite too is that when he worked on your back, first he took some ointment and he was, okay, I want to say the right word. He's moving his hands in that area before the adjustment. And I was like, Oh, when you do this, um, like massage, he goes, don't call this a massage. And I go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yeaah. She's going to her ex's funeral and talking the whole shit the whole time about yeaah. Yeaah, of course. Okay, I didn't know, I didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just trying to be helpful in case you missed context. That's all. I was like, do you follow what she's doing? Cause it happens quick. It happens fast. That's all I was saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a pretty cool guy. He's so cool. So what's, is that, is that from like, um, great, what's it called? The...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well what happens is they get, you know, they get juiced up and then they have trainers and chefs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so this is a video outside an adult, like a sex shop, and it's uh, it's somewhere. Yeah, it's uh, it's in French, so it says like lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, but no, but I'm saying like they sell, they tell you what they have, they have lingerie, right, DVDs, toys.


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[Assistant] I'm not even sure what that means. Uhm, but then it says poopers because it's letting you know that like if you're into pooping, you can go into that store and you can take a dump. In front of the people? In front of people. On the floor? On the floor because it's a sexual arousal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were talking about- The poop. Well, we were talking about people we'd want to see poop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To see them take a dump, yeaah. Cause it's so, they're so fascinating. Cause just to see how people do it differently and what they like, like Shaq, for instance. Oh wow. You know, he's legitimately...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just to recap for people. Right. That David Walter, uh, Erie's own meteorologist, said he would smash me in basketball. So I put out a challenge. I put out a challenge to a guy, you know the guy, the weather guy's mom? Uh, like when you watch the news. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this weatherman who said he would beat me in basketball. So I put out a challenge and I said if he came to Austin and played basketball against me and beat me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would donate $50,000 to any charity that he wants me to.


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[Assistant] And, uh, he has to make his social media accounts public for a year. That's it.


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[Assistant] Too complicated. But I was doing it genuinely, I didn't mean it, I wasn't trying to be condescending when I said that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also think, I will say this though. I could play with one hand and an eye patch over one eye.


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[Assistant] And it's not because I'm that good. It's because I know that you're that bad. At basketball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what this is, this is an account of a guy who has been in prison and people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Send questions to him, like about, like they'll say things like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, how do you cook food in prison or how do you get coffee in your, so they keep, they ask questions and this dude puts these videos out. This is what this is like. So the question he's being asked is what happens to sex offenders? In other words, people who commit sex crimes, rape, molestation, things like that. And that's what his whole thing right there was about is that those guys get,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beaten, tortured, thrown off the balconies, their food spit in, they get murdered, and everyday they live in fear.


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[Assistant] Like that's the kind of thing, you know, some, like I, I like to start my day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. She was making an observation about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How I've been putting a lot of healthy things in my body, but she worries about what I put into my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you wake up and people will go like, you know, I'm gonna meditate or I'm gonna look at the trees or you know, and I remember she had made that observation and the next day I was thinking about it because I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, you know what I just did? I woke up and I watched a pack of lions eat a man, like attack a man. And it was the first thing that I put in my head that day, right? It was pretty...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I heard your voice after that going like, look how you, look what you're putting in your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying how I start my day. Uhm, I do enjoy, you know, uh, hearing that kinda thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. Yeah, I like to wake up and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I do like, you know, my father was really into crime shows, uh, not just a narrative, not just like the scripted ones, I mean like bio shows, like he loved watching biography stuff of crimes and how they were solved, and I am equally fascinated by those shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I wasn't saying that. I was saying, I watch a number of things. One of them is that, yea, I like to watch a pack of lions destroy somebody. But then I also...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like to watch how a crime was solved and like the full details. I watched the Madoff story, uhm, in, in supreme detail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really well done. It's a four part miniseries on Netflix that I highly recommend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bernie Madoff, remember the guy that ran the biggest Ponzi scheme in American history? You remember Nadav? And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watch crime and I sleep like a baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The gayest shit you've ever heard. What is it called? Sisters of Mercy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is so gay. And it was upsetting. And I was like, are you getting ready? Like, are you starting this? So it is a similar thing, but like, her shit's super gay. And I heard it and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the story, the Madoff story is truly fascinating. I mean, this has nothing to do with being depraved. It is a fascinating story about how a guy can pull off a decades long scheme where he ends up taking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a four part miniseries and it's, it's, it's extremely well done. It's like the way they tell the story, they show footage from after he was in prison, uh, telling about how he did things. Then they would cut to journalists who, who did, who have done, you know, covered the story for years and very well put together. And there's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the sad, the sad part is of course the fact that people lost, like some of them lost everything, but what's more sad is how


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, there were people who had brought it to other people's attention and it was ignored. And then it was ignored again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was ignored again. And you see, and they go into detail, like it's not just like, oh, somebody did this and it was ignored. They show you the emails that somebody was sending saying like, this is what he's doing. And they show you how they sent people to investigate him and how he was able to just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Convince these people who are investigators, their job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be like if a homicide detective came here and was like, there's a dead body. And you're like, yeah, I know, but yeah, and it wasn't me. And they're like, well, she said it wasn't her. And they, and they're just like investigation over like that. It was, it was laughable. What is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's called, what is it called, Madoff? The Monster of Wall Street. It's on Netflix, it's fantastic. Also a huge shout out, I think it was Gamba that told me to watch Triangle of Sadness. One of the best films I've seen in a while. It's a great movie. Triangle of Sadness. It's really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see a bunch of people die, but it's like, uh, they're all in, uh, triangle holds, or like you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just kidding. It's not, it's not, it's not what it's about. Uhm, but, but it is really good. Really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that's just an expression, it's a line in the movie. It's not about being sad. There is one really sad detail I can tell you though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well you know what? How about this? The final mood of the podcast today will be based on Christina's final TikTok. And her TikToks are always


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so she's placing a bunch of yogurt on the maxipad and then she's like, now you put your panties on with the yogurt in your vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chatto, this was a real treat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Loads of fun and laughs in the days that you have been in Austin and in Hawaii.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you wanna know something that I know will put a smile on your face? This just happened organically. Nadav, the guy that works here, has been starting his conversion to Catholicism. Isn't that beautiful? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's really sweet. So, he's like, he's, you know, he said he wanted a sponsor and so I'm kind of, uh, you know, shared what I could, but. Yeah, if you could teach me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we just think that it might, there might be an amazing toilet at the Vatican.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the Vatican. You don't think they have some incredible toilets? I don't think it's just a standard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's go back to the fun then. Uh, this was an amazing trip. It was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next time you come, you'll be sitting here and Patrick O'Callaghan will be in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we're in Texas, he doesn't want everyone to be like, the hell is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People literally cringe, you know, no offense, like when they come in, they see him and they're like, what's your name? He's like, Nadav. It's good. They're like, hell is that, you know, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, oh, the name thing is real. It's not gonna be illegal unless he wants to actually go through the paperwork, but I'm saying people start calling him Patty. It's like a thing he's been working on. That's all I'm saying, isn't it? Like Patrick, Patty, you know, Patty O'Kelly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not suggest it. He's like, he's like, I got red hair, people think I'm Irish. It's like, alright, go do whatever you wanna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hawaii was a dream, and here we are, uhm, your burps have subsided, which is also depressing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank God, thank our God, and also, uhm, we will see you how soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I'm leaving very, like I'm leaving to Australia and stuff. So, you know, then I have like another tour. So you probably have to figure out, we have to figure out a date. Let's not do calendar stuff on the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'll see you in March in Vegas, and I'll see you at the Chelsea at the Cosmopolitan in Vegas. TomSeguro.com slash tour for tickets. Thank you, Charo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched a full episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I did last night? We had some friends over and I was showing them around our house and I go, have you ever been on a solar? Well, lay down. Let me, let me show you. And I moved my friend up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vibrated on the bed. It was so much fun and she'd never seen it before. Why? Saatva. S-A-A-T-V-A. Luxury mattress company. We've been with them for years. We've got the Lumenleaf. We've got the Solaire. We've got the luxury firm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great value, you get a king size bed, whatever size you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Top notch, they come in, they install it, boom. Now, you're going to go to sotva.com slash the shit to get $200 off your next Sotva purchase. That again is sotva.com slash the shit for $200.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was St. Patrick's Day and we got so faded, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Went to Margaritaville, we ordered everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best part is getting drunk and gambling together. Neat activities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got it, they got it. We were, we were traveling together this last week. Yeah. I took our little jeans and our tiny jeans and we met you in Portland. Portland, Maine. The other Portland. Portland, Maine. The other Portland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh I know, cause I'm, I'm more worried that they're gonna freak out and ruin everyone else's good time, and then people are gonna think I'm a horrible mother. Like that's the truth of it, is that uhm, it's my own judgement, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was cool to see the bang bus and where you guys bang chicks, and then when we showed up, you guys pretended like you didn't ever do that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I totally had that paranoid wife thought. Cause I like, I show up and it's like you guys are all insurance salesmen. It's like there's nothing fun happening. I'm like are you guys even comedians?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm being serious and I haven't even said this to you, like I haven't told you in private, but like I get on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, you know, my two little kids and we're, we're, the first time we saw you guys in Maine, we get on the bus and I was like, what's up, fucker, like we're here. And you and like all your, your staff were just like, hey, everybody was just, hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, okay, this is a very serious, serene vibe. I'm not gonna ruin their vibes. But I was very surprised. And then I thought to myself, oh, they're putting on an act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of being like, oh, we're just boring on the road, we don't have fun. You know? We put, like you said, the cocaine is somewhere else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I, that's what I thought. No! That's what I thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you, we only did five days with you. I was wrecked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's horrible. It is, it's a very, very stringent schedule. Like you literally, you do like two shows, get on a bus, drive for hours, in the middle of the night, 3am, you get into a hotel, maybe sleep, because now that's two foreign beds that you've been in one night. It's just horrible. It's a horrible life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I love you, I'm just glad cause when you do all that stuff and then I get to buy expensive sweaters, and like I'm really thankful for all this expensive stuff that I get to have cause you do all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, it was, it was me alone with them. Yeaah. For five days, in like hotels and everything. I was like, I, I, I almost had a nervous breakdown. Cause I think it's two of the tantrums, like when the three year old starts to freak out. Yeaah. It's not, it's not a sexual, it's like the freak, it's the freak outs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a crazy town. And then they'll do things. I'm always amazed at comedians that can do things during the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In general, like, hey, I went, uh, driving, race car driving, and then we...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause it affects your ability to perform. And it is exhausting. I'm thoroughly, I'm now feeling normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see that just goes to show that not having teeth really ages you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I can't find joy in it. This one would skew too sad for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, there's so many. Way sadder than this. And I've recently, a ton of sad ones have come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been a rough week, but hold on. Yeah, I don't like that. I don't like this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, where do they work that you can have no teeth? That's like, not in customer service, clearly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I understand, but I'm just wondering in your job history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did they do at Grainger? They worked in the warehouse. Okay, so that's, yea, behind the scenes. Yea. Cause I, I've worked in many, like, uhm, I've worked in the service industry, I've been a waiter, waitress, I've worked in a cannery, I've worked, uhm, in offices. It's not- I've never worked with somebody without tea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put the perfect smile in. Yeaah. Like get the dentures that you can buy. That's true. I don't know. Look, obviously we differ. I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you Tom for that thoughtful intro. Uh, you guys have known me, I wear, I wear glasses for reading and I've recently got a new prescription and I got new frames and I thought I would debut them on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't think anything's more exciting than new glasses? Okay, ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Yeah. Thanks guys. You like those? Okay. And then I got these are called Graduals. What are these again? Gradations. Progressives? Progressives. Right. And they. I think so. Yeah, progressives. I don't know. And then you can read here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, progressives, they're called progressives. I go, see I read it like that and then I go far away there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's dressed like the Sriracha bottle. The cap is the top of the Sriracha bottle. And he's wearing a Sriracha shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was like, what's the beanie about? Like I get the shirt and now I just put it together. That's really clever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, of course there is. There should be. It's really nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I was thinking about it, it just occurred to me that like, Eni dropped his big problem of having a large penis on us. Do you realize that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like two episodes ago, he's like, boo hoo, woes me, I have the biggest dick. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your big dick problems make our dick soft. That's not to mean, but I just think like, and then I was like, oh yeah, that's his problem in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, I don't, I, yeah, if I could change my meow, there are things I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I noticed these things, cause I knew, I know what she looked like before two kids exploded out of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like bro, I pushed my bladder out through my, uh, cervix. You know what I'm saying? Like, I fucked some shit up down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Muah. It was, it was great. It was magically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause also, I mean, to Chad's point is like, what you have is what I'm used to for like 20 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you see por- but the porno guys have abnormally- Some do. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like, weapons. Or like, uh, yeaah. Like a torture device, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, as a woman who enjoys dicks, I don't care about what the flaccid hang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a lot, that's a huge problem to have. Dick problem. As a woman, I'm glad I don't have that. I mean, we have like, periods and stuff. That's the thing about it too, is that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then girls get obsessed with our boobies and our bodies and how fat we are and how not fat we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I found in my life that males are so forgiving of women's what we perceive to be flaws. Like most normal guys don't give a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've dated short guys. I've dated a couple of shorties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Process, the women have the pick of the litter, right? We control mating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, no. I want you, I don't want you. I want to make babies with you, I don't want you. So we hold the cards when it comes to reproduction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com. Time is money. Don't waste either with repeated trips to the post office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With Stamps.com you can skip the trip and focus on how to take your small business to the next level. Stamps.com lets you print official postage right from your computer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it saves you money in the process so you can spend less time at the post office and more time making your customers happy. We've been using stamps.com for oh, a decade now, uh, because that's how wonderful of a service it is. It has completely changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How we deal with getting our packages out. Why, why go to the post office? You don't have to. Stamps.com gives you access.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, for shipping with Stamps.com, sign up at Stamps.com slash mom for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale, no long-term commitments or contracts at Stamps.com slash mom. So, I, I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although my argument may not work anymore because I was watching a documentary about, about how people are dating and courting now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like I don't know. I get what you're saying. The pressure to put out without knowing somebody, I think is a little bit more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, back in, back in my day. Yea. He had to take out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. But you know what I do tell our sons is don't, don't date mean girls. Don't marry a mean girl. Make sure she's nice to you the way mommy is nice to daddy. She cooks for you. She takes care of you. She's sweet to you. Mean girls ruin your life. Mean girls are the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. They're gonna be on these dating shows and they're gonna say things like, my standards are just too high, nobody's good enough for me. Cause you're a horrible person, nobody wants to be around you crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I didn't know that. Disappointing. So on top of being fat, racist, has sex with animals,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that guy who went over the Texan to fight for the Russian team? I have some intel. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, just finished up on the recent podcast and heard you mention the guy in Russia. Boy, could I give you a deep dive on this guy. Dude got a dad boner in 2014 and joined the separatist movement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Donetsk, Ukraine, and eventually became a Russian citizen. The guy literally wrote a book about it, but it seems close to a manifesto. Obviously he's from Texas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but he's actually a fugitive wanted by U.S. Marshals. Look this guy up under the moniker of the Donbus Cowboy. Come on, try it out. Other than that, love you, jeans. Keepin' it high and tight. And oh yeah, Annie, you are right. Hot sauce is the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an interesting narrative that they're liberating from Nazism. That's what Putin's saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I'll tell you, I'll tell you what, huh? Is that I've never had a type. People are like, what are your type? What are your type? I've never had a type. However, I've always liked...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you saw my dating, if I could show you pictures of every dude, like there's, this is wildly diverse. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been with, you know, uhm, the tall lanky Russian Jew. I've been with, uhm, Puerto Rican, little tiny Puerto Ricans. Asian, Chinese guy. Uhm, one white guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause that's the, you have to describe people as Jews, right? What? Patty. What's the question?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this one is about follow-up on, uh, you know, holding, uh, shedding for fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right as things were, coming to a climax, it jumped to a ten and a little turd squeezed through. Never taking the chance again. We're still together, but I wish my butthole was as strong as any's. Hot sauce is the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so this is another email, listen to YMH, uh, very important topic of holding your shit to fuck came up, and I'm here to tell ya, it's a dangerous game. I never told a soul this, and will never again, but I played that game and lost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a soldier, I pushed forward all day holding that devil shit in. Then we start doing it. Going at it again. And I'm going to town with a stamina I had never had before. All of a sudden, I smelled shit. I thought one of us leaked a fart. No big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I finally made white all over her triple D slut tits and we just laid in bed for a good 10 to 15 minutes. When it was finally time to go, I got up and noticed the shit had leaked out of my, what you call it, asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won't be with anyone who's okay with someone shitting on their bed. What a dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, just be careful out there when you need to shit where the dude's at. That's an old reference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's another follow-up, uh, apropos our discussion on R worded models.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was recently watching the podcast and have some input on your Victoria's Secret model debate just for a refresh. Victoria's Secret has its first Down syndrome model who's also Puerto Rican so it was like a double play if you will for diversity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With my experience, this makes me very uncomfortable seeing a Down syndrome model.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The censorship of retarded is retarded. My sister has Down syndrome and I can say that 90% of people use the R word harmlessly and the need to censor it is ridiculous. So there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want to read this? This is a lawyer chiming in. We have two different lawyers chiming in on opening car doors. Remember we asked whether or not it was illegal to just open somebody's car door. And then lastly, we'll go into this one because this one's just my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very cool. Uhm. That's a misdemeanor. Yea. I mean, this is crazy though, that means that enough people have done it that there has to be a codified law. Yea. That's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, so this one's great. So apparently some YMH fans went to Ireland, uhm, for vacation to the town of Killarney.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's great, isn't it? So, okay, so here's some fun facts, five, five real facts about our friend, the drunk. Ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number two, he smells like cigarettes and Guinness, which is probably not surprising. You would have imagined that, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number three, him and his two friends sit in one of two bars, O'Connor's and Jack C's all day long and just stare at the TV watching infomercials


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number five, after rewatching the clip of him on YMH, I can clarify something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep it high and tight, Evan. And he also, photos are enclosed with our YMN. Oh, okay, a horn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say though that he is very well dressed for a drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and like how bad it is, but he looks okay, doesn't look that bad actually. I think the secret to his success is that he's skinny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He can't be a fat drunk. He's still skinny, he's got some of his teeth left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go to New York City, you hook up with Robert Paul Champagne. He's your tour guide. You go to wherever it is. Where does Tony Johns live? Utah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I came up with this because I became obsessed with our Margaritaville discussion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I, you know what's interesting as a couple, is you and I have been together for so long, I thought we discovered everything that we mutually hated, and then we stumbled upon something new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can drink anything, like you can drink the wine, you can have the high bar whiskey. They have what you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever you want, but you have to drink it in margarita.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you may drink anywhere of your choosing, any location. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] However, it has to be one of the fun drinks on the Margaritaville menu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The blended awful drinks. You can't get the wine, you can't get the whiskey. It's got to be the ridiculous, the ridiculous blended drinks. Just five different sugars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then the bartender naturally will go, well what's that? Well, it's Margaritaville Silver Rum in Paradise. Passion for tequila.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a sandy shandy! And you're like, you're in every city and you're out with your friends after the show and you're like, you gotta make me a lightning strike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this might put me off of alcohol too. Cause I would hate to go to Margaritaville, cause I just drink wine. I would hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'd rather just stay sober and feel my awful feelings, you know? A zombie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Margaritaville Silver Rum. So that's another thing. They're selling you the brand of alcohol, right? So it's Margaritaville Silver Rum. What is that? It's their own branded dog shit. You don't even know what that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I like this one better. Really? I prefer this one, yeaah. Cause I can see that he stood up. That's why we play the Cliffs, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know it either until I think I said it and then you guys were like, what did you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, it's completely shifted the dynamic in YMH Studio Jeans now. Oh yea, it's been way better. The social dynamic's so different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Dr. Squatch. Dr. Squatch is changing personal care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With high performance natural products that smell amazing and will have you feeling and looking your best. Dr. Squatch's products are made using only the finest ingredients Mother Nature has to offer. They're transparent about their ingredients and their production in fact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of their products are at least 98% natural in origin. Dr. Squatch has a full lineup of natural products for your entire routine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's got the soaps, haircare, deodorant, and more, all in fresh scents inspired by nature. Seriously, go ahead, take a look at the label, you can pronounce everything on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then compare these ingredients to the harsh chemicals, harmful synthetic and things you can't even pronounce that are commonly found in generic body wash, deodorant and hair care. My sweet, sweet, adorable husband, Tom Saguaro uses Dr. Squatch and I love how he smells fresh as a daisy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New customers can get 20% off on orders of $20 or more. Use my code DSQMOM and click the link in that description below. That's 20% off on orders of $20 or more with code DSQMOM at the link in description.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So good, and what a great song. And he did it so seriously at the end. Fuck you, Chris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the part that really sealed it for me. Has Chris seen this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, he's wearing a new sweater in that video. He wears the same outfit pretty much everyday, he trims his hair, and he's got this fire in him now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so Zolo, I've asked him to collect some intel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zolo, what do you know? Tell us about this feud, because we don't get to see it as much. What are we missing here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that is true because for the longest time, Chris Larson was our moral compass. Like whenever we would be like, wait, is this messed up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris would be like, yes. And he was the smartest person. And then Chad comes along and it completely changes the dynamic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris Larson is smarter than most of us, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel like because Chad just came out of the academic world fairly recently...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm so happy, but so, so what do we, what's at stake here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree. I mean, some shows, some shows would offer rewards for winners. Not at your mom's house. We offer punishments for losers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about the eyebrows, the grease paint eyebrows, the tail, maybe do those. There he is. There he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, some people, like I said, be motivated by positivity. Ours is don't lose. It's fear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now why would you, how would it be a conspiracy though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's, you have our word, Ja, that does not happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, it's any- it is really anybody's game because last time we ended up going into like, uhm, citizenship questions. That's government. Maybe Chad happened to know things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, yeah, I mean, I love this. I love that Chris Larson is fired up, that he's got fire in his belly, that he's like, gonna fuckin', you know? I've never seen this guy... I've never seen Chris this like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many people shart in public pools that you've swam in? Probably your whole life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like, waterslide parks? All that is is sharts. And piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know dude. I mean it is a miracle that you don't just get pink eye automatically from going into like raging waters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to Afghanistan to do stand up for the troops, right? We came back, so in Kandahar, there's a sewer pond in the middle of the campus there, the campus, the fucking base, and it churns the sewer. It's essentially like a churning shit fountain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it puts shit flecks in the air in Kandahar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, we didn't think, I didn't think anything of it. I was like, you know, doing my thing. She came back and had meningitis in Atlanta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the doctor was like, how did you get the anxiety? He's like, the only way to do this is like, if you like, inhale shit. She's like, well, matter of fact, funny thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's the thing, you're coming everywhere, I'm coming to very select cities, because I'm taking care of our children and they usually come with me, which is nice and fun. April 1st and 2nd, I am in Charlotte, North Carolina at the Comedy Zone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'm April 13th here in Austin at the state side of the Paramount as part of the Moon Tower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Spermvine, California, May 20th and 21st at the Irvine Improves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] June 5th, Boston massive huge tits at the Wilbur.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't. I can't wait. Yeah. And then August at 12-13th Cleveland, Ohio. Hilarities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, I think, I think what happens is the algorithm changes as humans go through phase, you know, and like, there's, it's a collective unconscious thing. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%. Like when the Ukraine thing happened initially, people were bummed. Nobody was making good content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Correct. Americans forget so quickly. We don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I don't care, but he clearly does, cause he's drinking Bacardi and he's very upset. So I thought it was interesting emotionally, the arc that this talk took. And that he has no teeth too. Another perfect hire for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying that no teeth is usually indicative of other issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of tea, isn't that wild?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got three rows of teeth, like a shark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is jacked. She needs to get some pulled, no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, do you think that enhances her eating ability? Like her chewing abilities?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like can she tear through ribs and steaks faster than you and me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to talk to me, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she needs to get like one layer of teeth removed first. Or two layers of teeth. I wanna know what this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, like I'm gonna save you, I'm gonna make you normal. Oh, see? Handsome fellow back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't give additional information, like we always say. Just being 58 and single doesn't make you interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that's okay. What else would you have to offer me? I see you like cool sweaters. I see that you're into bangs. Your hair is pretty cool. My hair is kinda red.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just thought that was a fun little ditty, you didn't enjoy that? Pretty Woman, you like that song? I don't like that song. See, this doesn't make me sad. This may, would you rather watch the first video, the opening video, or this lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I thought this was funny. She has a good sense of humor. You know what? You guys are just so biased. Like, stop trying to shame her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I think is true, like, the faker and fuller the eyelashes, the crazier the cheek. Like, full, fake eyelashes, and vanilla.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a black French pedicure. Whoa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, no, that thing weighs, what, ten pounds? Just flick it off of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure. And by the way, they wrote our dog's DOG apostrophe S, which is chromatically incorrect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our dog. If you're going to go to the trouble of printing a sign, you may want to spell check it first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to find the original talk so that not without the reactions. I couldn't, cause it's been, it's been duetted or whatever this is so many times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably out of control. Yea, she probably has to use her feet to do everything her hands do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, those feet are like hands. They're like hands, yeaah. She can probably eat meals and like, jack her dick. And make you cum. Yeaah. That's for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh, now I wanna fuck her too. We gotta find this chick, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing, it's been duetted so many times that I don't even know what the original talk is. God damn it. Cause people really took to this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it had a very like stark look to it. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I could see if he had blown the air out, if he had kinda suppressed it and then did a little


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, your logic with the, the gun coming out, or the bullet coming out of the gun. A noise. It doesn't hold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meditation. That's a hose? Maybe between their legs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies and gentlemen, this episode is brought to you by Satva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit. Go there and get $200 off any mattress of your choice. I'm a huge fan. I've slept on all of them. You gotta try one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, it went like this. You showed up at breakfast and didn't have the necklace on, which was pointed out. And then you said, well, and you looked at me and told me to shut up. I have something to say to Tommy. And you came up with this idea that you wanted to give her the necklace and the show today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, I don't understand what you're talking about. The necklace I just bought you, you want to now re-gift to someone else. Can you explain that? That's exactly what he said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was brought in for one question. The truth is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The truth. I cannot defend you. I mean, it's not what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I'm fucking, like, I don't know man, I'm excited, I'm excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, niggas don't really want to walk up the mountains. That's just one thing too though. You know what I'm saying? Like, we ain't really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a real- At the end of the day, the place to go hiking ain't really no urban jungles. You know what I'm saying? That's the real- Yes. So we ain't like hike, run around Montana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the thing is about is that when I go home, I don't want to leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gave me three bullshit cuts the first three times. I just had to keep coming back to show him I was persistent. Like, you know what I'm saying? He's like, alright, this nigga, he ain't scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I knew like it was, the way I dressed was a danger to myself. You get what I'm saying? Like my old skinny jean phase. I mean I was wearing some like tight ass turquoise skinny jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just can't deal with it. I'm getting too old in my life, man, to be fucked. I mean, family is one thing, too. I can go back and visit whenever I want. You know, I'm having my daughter come out here. I know she ain't gonna wanna leave me. She come out here and chill and shit. Nice. She 21 now, so I gotta keep her away from 6th Street. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. Definitely. Definitely. So yeah, that'll be that. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forgive me, I just, I don't know, I just think yeaah, I'm able, like I say, I'm able to not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do crazy shit that I would be doing if I was at home with the homies every day and, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just being out here, I got like, I don't know, I'm able to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It depends on the situation I feel like, but I feel like a hundred at the least is regardless of what you're doing. Like I went somewhere. That's the fuck the problem. I go to Starbucks and I've got a $13 coffee. Oh, Danny Brown, you're so great. Did I tip for a hundred dollars?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely, and definitely man, it's, I mean, prostitution.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 40 bucks? For 40 bucks. Really? Something could happen. Really? What you gonna do for this 40 ball?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like a, that's like a pickup line at the crib. Alright. You see it, what you gonna do for this 40 ball?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's like normal culture. Really? Detroit culture. Oh my god. Cause everybody doing the god damn perks now. Yeah. The perks are sets with the fit and all of that. So now that y'all have a withdrawal, so what you gonna do for this 40 ball?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what's happening. They all got fake, they got fake perks now and there's fentanyl in them. And so now it's making people extra addicted to them. Yeah. Cause I mean, you know, you can put just a little dab of do your fentanyl and it ain't gonna kill you, but it's gonna make you addicted to the shit. For sure. So these motherfuckers is taking perks all day. Damn. And it gets you freaky. Yeah. Take one of them perks and be like, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I do mine, it's almost like seasons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's making a fitting offer. She looks fucking wack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I seen her hanging out with Kanye West and all them, that was the funniest video ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you man, she got some young black dude from Compton, 24 years old. He don't give a fuck. He just need a job. He coming through that motherfucker doing handstands.


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[Assistant] That's what y'all don't know, that one time remember we did the Wild Mage Live? Yea. And I was laying on the ground like this? Yea. My ass had nerve damage, so my back was fucked up, I couldn't even walk after.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I was drunk playing around and I took my shoes off in my building where I was living at the time and I just ran through the hallway with some McDonald's and shit in my hand like four o'clock in the morning drunk and I just.


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[Assistant] You know, eight shit right in the air, landed on my lower back, which at the time...


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[Assistant] Like that! Same kind of lower back injury. And I was like, oh, it wasn't that bad, you know, whatever. Woke up the next morning, my back felt a little tight, I'm like, huh.


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[Assistant] Then like, maybe two days later, both my legs were just numb as fuck. I could barely walk, could never do nothing. Then I went to the hospital and they was like, oh you gotta say nerve damage, you gotta do yoga, you gotta take these pills, do all this kind of shit. Like what the fuck. So I like fucked some shit up.


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[Assistant] No, no, that's fucked up. That's the, that's the worst part. You can fucking live. I'm telling you, you guys, I had nerve damage.


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[Assistant] He could've died. He could've got decapitated if his neck wouldn't hit that pole. What? That made me laugh though. This is, this ain't funny.


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[Assistant] You wanna be real? This ain't fun. You like, this is like, he, he, just grace of God. Like, I mean, we probably all have near-death experiences.


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[Assistant] Because he's been like Fabio and just, shh, worst off with your hair blue in it, like, uuuh, uuuh.


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[Assistant] I didn't even, like I said, I said, but I didn't, I don't even remember shit. I remember talking, and I didn't see his face get close to mine. Like he did a Michael Jackson move.


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[Assistant] Which is the fucked up part, uuuh, and I seen him like, uuuh, I'm like, get this nigga. And he was in his cell, he was going to court, and I worked that down in the registry, and I went, I grabbed the broom, and I acted like I was faking, like I was, which I should have stopped, I mean I should have really like thought this plan out more, but I moved on emotion. Cause he was sitting in his cell, he was wearing Cartier glasses.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. Now I'm talking about it, they might leak this shit. I got it, I got it. Oh my god, dude. He fucked me up.


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[Assistant] They plant this like, oh yeaah. Let them pull us.


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[Assistant] They were in a garage, it wasn't like they were outside somewhere, so how, how much room did this car have to really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I be really serious shit, cause he really just got mental health issues. Oh, okay. You get what I'm saying? So you look at him, like he, it's always that one crazy nigga in the hood that's like this, that he get a pass.


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[Assistant] Like, he the type of nigga that can walk up on you and smack you or something. You're like, man, I'ma fuck you up. I'ma fuck you up, Jojo.


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[Assistant] No, it's horrible. Cause he just high. He really having a good time. He think everybody fuck with him.


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[Assistant] It is, but yeah, like I said, it's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he trying to figure out a way to get an alias, you know what I'm saying? Like, boy, I'm gonna grow my shit out and then I'm gonna move to Canada.


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[Assistant] The one CEO that really took a liking to me, he was kind of like a mentor when I was in there. His name was Officer Hall, shout out Officer Hall, I think he probably did. But, uh, he was a Marine, you know what I'm saying? So he'd be super on me, super disciplined, just teaching me about like ill shit, telling me crazy stories about him when he was in the Marines and shit. Like one time this nigga told me he was underwater for like two, three days straight. And if he stick his head up, he's gonna get that bitch shot off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see you still doing some bullshit. So he's like, man, I'm gonna teach you. So he made me shave. He's like, man, you can't come back down here and work with us until you shave all the hair on your face.


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[Assistant] I was getting all the cigarettes too because I worked down there so I was controlling everything. You know what I'm saying?


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[Assistant] And I had to come back down. And I looked like a dick. Like that's all I could think of. Like I was just looking at myself in the mirror like, man I look like a penis. In the face. And it's just, it's not confident. Like a fucking killer. So, if you could be confident as a black man with no hair on your face at over 30 and shit. Yea. Yea, you a killer bitch.


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[Assistant] I don't know, because the sewage situation is not the best.


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[Assistant] And I got, and I got, you know, if we had a debate, I got combative shit that I can say to this nigga for everything that he's just got. You know what I'm saying?


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[Assistant] I do all that shit. But, he ain't got no bitches.


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[Assistant] I just give it away. I give it away to like, you know what I'm saying, one of my cousins. Cause you know, they appreciate it. But then next thing you know, they killing the rabbit. Cause then they going to wear like crazy too. So it's always like a double edged sword with that. Cause then you and Dan, they going to embarrass theyself with it. Every day like you're supposed to do that. Then you go come back and see like, hell nigga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the, that's my worst, um, fear though. Yeah. Yeah. Behind a truck. Cause I've been through a lot of car accidents. You have? Yes. A lot. A lot. Uhm, when I was, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna say preschool, as in preschool, we got hit by, uh, me and my family, like we got hit by, uh, a garbage truck. Like literally in a Chrysler LaSaber. Like, and it folded it, like it matched, like, I got $8,000 when I turned 18, so I guess that was from that. All of us got money, like everybody that was in the car got money.


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[Assistant] I woke up and I'm laying on the ground like uuuh, like police, fire department, everything, you know all this shit everywhere. And I look up and then my tooth just falls off.


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[Assistant] The one that always breaks and the one that always fucking up, that was the first time it ever fell out. What was that? Yeah, that was the funniest shit I've ever heard.


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[Assistant] That's the scariest shit to me. I don't wanna go out like that. That's the one way I don't.


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[Assistant] Like don't just let no random truck driver just fall asleep at the wheel on some shit. You know what I'm saying? That's weak. That is weak. I did all this shit to do to go out like that. That's some bitch ass shit, man. Let me go out cool. That is bitch.


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[Assistant] Like I told these niggas, uhm, I just got better health.


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[Assistant] And I've been doing the therapy shit and I was like, you know what? I don't need that shit. I'm about to do it through this.


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[Assistant] I really do hope it gets resolved. I hope by the time this episode comes out, it's resolved because it's, uh, it is really, really sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's a lot of cool things going on in the world.


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[Assistant] Also, just to address it and just get it out of the way, uh, uh, I'm fucking, you know, I know I said okay.


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[Assistant] Here's the thing though. Some people will call them...


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[Assistant] The intelligent people understood that the, no, we understand that they understood that the okay was, uh, okay, you're fucking out of, like, it's an acknowledgement that you're saying crazy shit again. And then other people are like, yeah, but you said okay. As if it were affirmation of the bet, which is like, it's such nonsense. She's getting the fucking, not only is she getting money.


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[Assistant] I just talked her on the way in today, and I'm getting her a car.


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[Assistant] The ones who actually literally don't understand what is happening in that, uh, in that exchange who go like, no, no, you, you're saying, okay, I, I really wonder what your everyday life is like because I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so clearly her going, this is the bet. And me going, okay, which is like, here you go again. Like the fact that they don't go, there's, there's different intentions and tones for the use of, and that's lost on them. They're like, no, you said it. I'm like, oh, those are our dumbest.


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[Assistant] To know what's actually happening. Like those are the dumbest people.


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[Assistant] I don't even want to get into it. Lamborghini. No, but it's fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, and the, uh, all the Garth comments.