[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let's just say I were to take like fifteen, fifteen bottles of water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And walk away, and someone, someone were to actually say, excuse me sir, uh, sir. I would just turn around and go, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't really, I didn't pay for these. I'm sorry. I'm so confused. I'm just really tired. I didn't think there would be, nothing would happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I just sort of, I'm just lying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, but I don't really do that that often because it's kind of like a weird thing where it's like that whole abyss stares back sort of thing where I feel like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anytime you live in something that's a certain way, like if you're an actor and you play a character, you can say it's a character all you want, but it's gonna become your life, become part of your life, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna say no, as a person who likes accents a lot, like to an annoying degree, I'm calling no on that one. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like which part of England is she from? She sounds like she's from like a sort of a semi-posh area of the Midlands or London. Wow. Specific, Johnny. Well cause she's not, she's not doing like the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like where Jon Snow is from, I did a movie with this girl who is from there, it's like, god, their accents, it's so annoying kind of, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The posh, that's, that depends, I think, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's because in, uh, you're allowed to have a lisp there. It's not considered a speech impediment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it is. Maybe it's posh because you can get away with it. It's like I'm so rich I don't have to change the way I speak or something. That could be it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was standing in front of a massive weed plant in that previous video. Was she really? Yeah. I'm pretty sure that was. If it wasn't, it was like, huh. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Oh my god. Uh, what about that? She's standing in front of a gun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that show that came out on Netflix? The uh, the cloud. The one that gets me all the time is like the old cowboy movies when they have the southern accent. I just wanna like live in that. I watched that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, I would love to just wake up, I would love to have that. To wake up and like, I, hell I don't know, I grew up in Minnesota and everything, but this is how I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can come loaded to bear, but we're gonna turn you out. Wow. I just think about it a lot. It's like a brain massage almost, I feel like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew a guy, an engineer in Minnesota who would smoke a cigarette and three drags, never wore a jacket all winter, and he had some crazy expressions. He was really into tractor pulling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'd be like, oh, yeaah, oh, going on there, firing frogs legs today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or we say this like, uh, oh, you couldn't catch me five ways a Friday on that thing. Five ways a Friday. What are you talking about, man? His name was Dale. Dale. Dale. Man, Dale had a lot of traction pulling magazines in the shitter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there's people who do live, they're shouters, people who are like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a low talker too. I can't stand, it's almost like a, I feel like it's like a fault where I can't, if I can't have a conversation in a place where I'm not being overheard, I may not be able to take that call. I'm a place I can get so like, I don't want to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a girl we used to know who lived across the street from us, we lived downtown years ago, and she would, uhm, we'd be watching a movie in our apartment, right? She'd take a phone call, sitting in the middle of the couch, during the movie, like Lali, and just so totally oblivious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's one of those things where I wish I could understand that perspective. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I actually took a nap in my life until I went to college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I'm so used to my mom always like checking on like, oh, what's going on? What's going on over there? What's going on? And when I had it, I could actually lay down and not be disturbed. I was like, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just love, I love like just walking up as close as I can and just joining in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are goddamn monkeys. I'll tell you what's happening here. These are brothers, probably twins, and they just mumble like hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is just always the case. Anyone from the UK?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he was saying something about his playing and I'm pretty sure that's what's going on or if it's not that they're talking about a footballer. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also making a tea, got the, I can't, if I'm, if I'm using the sink in my house, and, uh, Brett talks to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a skill, I developed that at home because my mom talks constantly, I have two younger sisters, younger brother, it's just a constant influx of, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, and so I learned to just shut it down, you gotta shut it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you would know. I would, I would probably lead with that. I'd walk in the room. Hey, just so you know, uhm, I've been nominated for an Oscar, so just, you know, watch your tongue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm not. I was in a movie that was nominated. What's that? In the Loop. I got nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was the first thing I ever did, so no, it was like just a, that was just a, that was just a no. No, I don't get any phone calls for that, cause it was a screenplay thing, it wasn't like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the Oscars are, have always just been payola 100%. It doesn't make any sense. Anyone who gets angry about Oscar nominations or wins is forgetting that none of it makes any sense at all. Like no one ever won an Oscar for the thing that they won an Oscar for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You win an Oscar for, like, a movie you did 10 years ago, but they couldn't give it to you then, because they had to give it to someone who needed an Oscar for a movie they did 10 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once in a while you get an Oscar nom thing. It's just a, it's all just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all payola too. They put so much, studios put so much money into promoting Oscar, uh, votes. It's, it's insane. They put, they pushed that shit like, oh my god. Millions. The system is rigged, guys. They put so much money into it. It's all just, yeaah, cause it's all, it's all like a cool contest, like who you gonna vote for because who,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who does the academy want to feel like they're supporting at this time so the academy looks good? Oh, yes, we give it to them because we are, obviously, you see how we voted for them? Because we like this, we like this cool, we're cool, we're cool, we like this young Bumblecore director, we're supporting them even though it's not a comedy at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all, it's all that. I mean, it's obviously wonderful if you get one, I suppose, and it's great and it's a real thing, but at the same time,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many people who haven't been nominated for Oscars who deserve them hands just ten times over any other people in their same category. They're just not because maybe they're not sexy enough or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, that seems kinda weird to me. There'd be so many less awards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, it's kind of like a thing where if you do that, then it doesn't make any sense. It seems like you're creating a new problem that doesn't really exist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very Trudeau though. It's very Trudeau, Trudeau brand. Yeah. It's on Trudeau.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 3D is the one. Yeah. For me. That's the last one though? Yeah, there's a great, there's a great, uh, poo poo one in there. I think about it, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least once a week. Oh wow. It's so satisfying. Yea, it's truly amazing. If you like those, you gotta see my new movie coming out. Do you have a new movie coming out? Yea, it comes out June 1st. What is it? It's called Action Point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's about Action Park in New Jersey. You know about that old amusement park in New Jersey? No. It was like super dangerous. It was in like the late 70s. It was like a place where kinda like, uh, drunks ran the rides. It was, uh, six people died when it was open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] having the best time of their lives, like died like, dude, you should do that. Oh, really? Okay, uh. And it was like a notoriously very fun, kind of like working class place to go. Like real danger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not the trailer. This is something wrong. This is some Chinese shit here man. This is like some weird...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we have like 300 extras every day, they have this massive amusement, they had a build from scratch, an amusement park.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's supposed to be, well, that's the thing, they had to change it because South Africa is like, Southern California, 10 years ago, record drought. So they couldn't make it look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Green enough to be New Jersey, so they made it. They just basically, everything is the same from Action. It's the story of Action Park, but just changed to be, uh, uhm, fictitious, like it takes place in California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking about you just say basketball is extremely popular and then talk about something else. Oh yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No he didn't say it. No he did not. He didn't say that. He didn't say change. He did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he said China, and the edit made it seem like he said that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But why would you, it's like such a, such a bad thing to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here. Those are the cadence too, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] NBA, NBA, I wanna thank all the NBA champ fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't, it's gotta be, it's non-malicious. I say it's non-malicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do love a succulent Chinese meal. Who doesn't enjoy it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you watch that Vietnam War documentary? The Ken Burns one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many words I say all the time that I'm like, oh, can't say that anymore. Really? Like dink. Dink? Dink is a racial slur evidently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I still keep saying it, because dink to me means stupid. Like, oh, look at that dinkertree, look at that dink. What's a dink? It's a... I guess it's a... Vietnamese? It's like a very specific word for Japanese, I think, in the World War II or something like that. It's like super specific. Yeah, yeah. That's an Asian person saying it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not me saying it. It's gonna come out. Johnny Pemberton said ching chong ching chong on the spot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, that sounds like a, like a weird hood girl from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a really subtle one that no one knows, but it's like one that they would use, soldiers would say that. How would you use it? I say it like stupid, like, aw man, look at that dink, he's trying to fit that bag in the overhead, what a dink. Oh, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think flathead is, no. Flathead's like an old, that's like from the 1800s I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I thought it was going to be for real? Cause I had a Chinese neighbor, this lady named Jenny, and she'd always bring us stuff for Chinese New Year, right? Happy Chinese New Year. She'd always come over and say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what Jenny would say. I had her on the podcast years ago. It was like the best podcast I ever recorded because she like would just ramble on and on about stuff about Chinese New Year. And there's all these things you can't say. You can't say, I think the number four, you never say four. It's like extremely bad luck because it's a square. It's something that's really absurd. Hey, big on luck man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big time unlucky, and if you do something that is unlucky on Chinese New Year, it's like a curse. If you do that to someone else, you can basically curse them. And she told me this, and I thought this guy said like, uhm, wishing you four more, like he said, oh, he said four! He said the number four!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 8 is lucky, I think 4 is, I'm pretty sure 4 is unlucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think some of it comes from the word, if a word sounds like another word. It's that arbitrary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're doing a company move, we're doing a company move, oh god, okay, well, we have base camp set up here, uhm, we're gonna push your call, actually. We've got forced calls, check the prelim, uh, the UPM. When's the martini shot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shitporns? A ship. Like a, like a, a foghorn. I saw one this morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the greatest thing I've ever seen. Some guy in the back, his backyard in Kansas makes this horn out of PVC pipe and an air compressor that sounds like a fucking cruise ship just is docking. Really? It's amazing. It is unbelievably loud. Just like, bmmm, and it's, you can tell this is loud as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a dying goat or something, like a giant goat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew a guy who used to be able to suck air into his ass and just fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have the opposite. I burp sound like a little lizard just died. It's like, they're terrible. They sound like a, like a crypt keeper or something like that. I mean like Gollum. They're just, they're really gross. I hate them. I'll do it. I'll forget I have that burp and I'll do it around like a, like a friend I'm comfortable with. And they're like, are you okay? It sounds, it sounds bad. Like really fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched a guy once eat five Chipotle burritos in five minutes. Wow. Like in the state of nature or on the internet? It's one of these guys, one of these YouTube guys. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was something where it doesn't seem, cause they're so dense, right? Doesn't seem humanly possible, but I guess that's, that's why we train. That's why you train.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should do that, they should actually vomit up all that stuff and make like a certain type of dog food or horse food or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I left the salmon oil by her food on the floor thinking, oh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just because we put this in her food doesn't mean that she's gonna think it's her food. No, of course not. She tore it open, the carpet's ruined, the house smells like a fuckin' fish restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She vomited multiple times and ate the vomit again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was, she was sick for 48 hours. It was like, we thought she was gonna fucking die from drinking all this salmon oil. Supposed to put two pumps in their food and she had like the most entire bottle of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she kept, even after, even after we got home and we took care of her and everything and gave her charcoal pills, she still, uh, I think she vomited up and ate some more of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, I would eat, I would eat if I was a dog, I'd eat puke. I would not eat puke. What if it was like eating a bunch of Cheez-its?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that exponential with the D thing? Cause it's like, how many D's until you get to the E?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it goes four Ds and then the next size up is an E. Okay, so you're on the cusp of a D.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we'll talk about a single one, not the, not collective, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm gonna say? I'm gonna say, uh, seven pounds. It's collective, both. No, one, each seven. Seven. Wow. No, no. It's so hard because my dog is so big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a thing where, you know, I think about animal weight. Right. And I'm so strong that, like, I pick up my heavy dog and it's like, uhm, I'm gonna have to say five and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, uh, did you have it where the breast was, it wasn't, obviously it wasn't so high as to have it be, you're below the scale, you're not doing that. Right, no. But you're also high enough to where, I guess you know what it feels like for the full weight to be on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's also this thing, it's like, where does the breast begin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, let's do it tonight. It's all because, I guess I forget that that type of tissue is not very dense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well now you can chart your progress. You can chart your progress. This might be some sort of breakthrough breast cancer research actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love chickens. Yeaah, me too. Chickens are great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Action point, I always get confused. You were right, I was wrong. Uh, you know, Instagram, YouTube, I post a lot of videos on YouTube.com slash Just My Nipples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and uhm, Instagram, I post videos in there, it's just Jonny, underscore Pemberton, and I've got an album coming out on Starburns Audio, and, uh. Where'd you record it? Well, it's actually a compilation of all the best prank phone calls I've done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have some of them on my YouTube channel, but most of them are just gonna be on the album. It'll be on, it's gonna be on a cassette, they have a cassette club, that's also gonna be available digitally, cause obviously, uh, cassettes are cassettes, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've been doing them for a long time and I do mostly, they're not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prank phone calls, they're more like, uh, I call customer service places and, um, kind of engage with people in a way that I think they're not used to being engaged with. That's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, like I always pretend to be a guy named Kevin Tipcorn, and I usually call with like a legit complaint about something, and it just sort of starts to get really absurd, and I ask a lot of personal questions, like what you're having for lunch, and, uh, I just get really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, there's one, I basically just try to get weird people out to the point. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where they are trying to stop the call, but I know that they can't, I used to work in call centers, so I know how it works, the politics of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, I call it like a VEDA. I'm complaining about these little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have one, uh, calling the police, asking them like weird questions about their phone system. There's a strip club I call with a guy, I just went on about asking all these questions like, can I drink out of a glove, and can I like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's called, uh, it's called, uhm, Recorder for Quality Assurance. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Action Point, June 1st? Yeah, yeah, June 1st, I'll be in New York, uh, March 1st through 12th, doing some shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then March 30th and 31st in Portland, Oregon at Heriam Comedy Crab and tickets for that one. It's going really fast. So if you're, if you want to come see it, uh, get the, get the tickets, Christina P online, add some more stuff. Uh, it's just in the works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think, uhm, there was a day where she woke up and was like, I don't want to be a woman anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Or do you think it's gradual? Or has she always just been like, I don't feel like it today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is no way and how cruel of us to assign a pronoun to some- I- I apologize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm assuming it's a she. It used to be a she and now it's a they.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finally, I'm so excited that you've joined my tribe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been Euro trash my whole life. I came out of my mom's vagina wearing one of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm so excited that Team Adidas has given you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I should! What do we need for free? Diapers? We got a whole new baby coming. Fuck Pampers!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna do that. Actually, I like Pampers. Fuck Huggies. Huggies are the worst. I can't even use them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they are. And I buy like a month's supply at a time. It's like $50, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, son. And then you gotta do the wipes, you can't just dry wipe a baby's ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's another fucking fortune, man. And you gotta get the quality wipes. You get the cheap wipes, you're buying double.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yea, dude. See, I tell you in the 90s, I was all about the matching Adidas. They had the roll over sweatpants and I had the tearaways, the three striped tearaways that matched this jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you though, cause now looking back in retrospect, those tearaway pants,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not very, like, practical. Like, what do people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to pull them down, you can just rip them off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I wasn't athletic at all, but I just liked the idea of snap up pants. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's extra gangster. I need to get you a gold medallion. Where's your gold jewelry, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. That top is not flattering for that either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I also have so much empathy for people that do pick up our trash or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I was saying like, I can't, I don't, I mean, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't his day, like, hard enough? He's up at the crack of dawn. He's picking up trash. It doesn't smell good in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You know, my mom was like this though. I think that's why it also bothers me. I'm like, uh, just balance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, would you rather do it with her? Yeah. Or the moose soup lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or menstrual blood lady, and she's got menstrual blood all over her face as you're doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three times. At least I harness mine properly, like I buy the right size bras. You gotta, you gotta do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. I'll just tell you the tweets I've been getting. People have been ranging from six pounds each to two and a half to fifteen or twenty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well right now they're, yeaah, they're getting bigger now, even more. Yeaah. Cause they're, the milk ducts are starting to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A deli meat scale. Cause a deli meat scale, I feel like it's used to being very precise. You know, you measure out thin slices of meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] C. God, a C cup would be like being in fifth grade again for me. You can fucking run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm glad we're apologizing. The big corporations are yielding to these idiots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. Good example. Encourage the other dummies to come forward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing, you know, I was, as I was posting. Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a joke about He-Man the other day on my Instagram. It's a, it's a meme that someone sent me on Twitter. It's like He-Man has now changed it himself to They-Man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And somebody being like, but I'm non-binary. And I was really thinking about this in a logical philosophical way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so what's wrong? So someone has a food allergy, what's wrong with-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, is that right? But so what? So what if somebody's upset about, I have that thing and you can't make fun of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me personally. But here we go, if we keep apologizing to everybody, then it's an infinite apologies and we can't talk about shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lot, it's just the logic. So I was thinking to myself, let's say somebody is going to, uh, contact me from the non-binary community. I'm non-binary. Okay. So what? I know. So why does that mean I can't joke about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I'm being insensitive and so why is that? Is it necessarily immoral? Is it wrong to be insensitive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Peanuts, are you kidding me? Well, LJ, I put him in preschool when I was doing the enrollment papers. They give you a sheet this long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just reading you the riot act on do not pack any nut related, no peanut butter, almond butter, nut butter, soy butter, any kind of nuts, no nuts. Granola bars, you have to buy them without nuts. Is that even possible? Is there even a granola bar without fucking nuts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, such good ones. And you know, we haven't heard enough. I feel like people have been raining it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything. Deafness, uh, disabilities, everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing. You know me and I don't like vomiting. I have a phobia of vomiting. So whenever it's in a film, I just don't like it for that brief second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, would I write the movie people and let them know, I have a phobia, I don't like seeing it, you should take it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but the only reason that the Sonys of the world are apologizing is because of the internet and the visibility of these dummies who rally together in Facebook groups and groups and Twitter and they, they use social media, uh, to collectively be idiots and, and, you know, Sony doesn't want their name


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being tarnished, I'm assuming, so they have to shut these idiots up somehow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, speaking of lunacy, we found the best goddamn reality show last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, I posted it on my Instagram. I'm at Christina P. I think I am. Let me see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the Christina P. It's called Love After Lockup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you would think that it would just be a show about like dating, but it's better than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's people that are marrying convicted felons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeah, because what it is is that they say it in the show, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the thing is there's less, quote, less risk dating an inmate because there's less theoretically things they can do to you, right? They can't cheat on you, they can't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do anything bad, but the irony is they're actually way more harmful to these poor souls because they're criminals, they're manipulating. This, this woman took $20,000 from this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's never like seen the internet. And she has kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three small children, and they're all like young children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and she, it's nice and thoughtful of her because she also likes to think of what gang affiliation he has when she gets dressed and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, well, he's a crip, so I can't wear red when I pick him up. And you're like, really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so then the girl, there's that, this is her daddy, we're looking at, and she's 26 or, yea, 26, and her boo is getting out of prison, he's 24, just a laundry list of, what is it, vehicule, he's stealing cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, she goes, that's disrespectful. You're being disrespectful. It's like, no, they're actually being honest with you, dummy. So the 26 year old girl, her whole thing is she just wants the wedding. You know, it doesn't matter to who.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just that this guy comes out and that, I can wear a dress, and my bridesmaids can wear burgundy, and we can have a wedding. My dad, it's like, you don't even care who you're marrying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's really fucked up. I think that's what's really fucked up about women and how they raise us little girls from the very beginning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of this Disney horse shit, uh, it's called, I mean, listen, my parents certainly didn't pump that into my head. No, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Remember like those gypsies? The big gypsy wedding show? That was the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's so, it's so crazy to me that that's the biggest highlight of your life is the stupid fucking wedding. You gotta be kidding me. She's a real piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so great though. What a great, what a great show and delusion. You get to see how people talk themselves into bad ideas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Dr. Drew is telling us when you see the tops of the whites, it's like a pulmonary thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta ask Dr. Drew. But, uh, yeaah, so he's sweet as can be. He's a good guy. And then, just Eastern European Hall, one of my tribe, uh, ropes him in with the internet pictures of her, and she's a former recovering, uh, heroin addict.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine your child being like, I'm marrying this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's Mormon too, so her community is not going to be pleased with this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. He's actually cute. You know what she said, so these people-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, these people find the inmates on an inmate dating site.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they put their mug shots up, and she goes, well he had a hot mug shot. And I was like, this bitch is crazy. And I saw it, I was like, you're right, he kinda does have a hot mug shot. Same with the truck driver, that's with that scam, that hooker. She's got a great mug shot, she's smiling at hers and shit, she knew her angles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, like that truck driver said, like, okay, so like, out of jail, she's a ten, but in jail, she's a nine and a half, remember? He didn't say it that way, but he goes, I'm like a five, she's like a nine and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, that was hilarious. I can't, I can't laugh enough at those. I love when people fuck with people like that. Farty joke. Farty as.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about a ball hog? What am I, a ball hog or a scrum master?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so he goes in for one pack and then he goes in for a second one and the second one's a really meaningful mouth kiss with his dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, look, I know that some families, they mouth kiss, but I think the same sex is kind of, it's a little, for me personally, it's just not my thing. I don't mouth kiss our son. I don't think the dad's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, we're cheek kissers, we're not mouth kissers. This is a very weird thing. I don't, I'm not into this, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Generational dad mouth kissing? Disgusting. I don't know, what do you think? I mean, would you kiss Ellis? No, you don't kiss Ellis on the mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you want- No, I don't want to. No, I'm just saying, like, as a little kid, personally, like, you know how nasty your dad's mouth is? My dad's mouth has been nasty since I can remember. Like, just putting his mouth on my- I don't even like the idea of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's, that's, you listen, and that's Tom Brady's fault for exposing his children on the fucking show or whatever. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, that being said, I grew up with a family, a friend of mine, he would mouth kiss his mother, his father, and his sister goodnight and hello.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White Jews, uh, and uh, he was a goth kid with us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, friends are one thing. I just, I do think family, especially opposite sex, might be a little hinky. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then sometimes when you pooped, your dad would poop in between your legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I don't know, my family wasn't that affectionate either, but I think the mouth kiss was fuckin...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I didn't like kissing Hungarian guys growing up because they were a lot of aftershave. And I remember, like, my dad's friends would be, have really greasy, smelly cheeks. And then they kiss you, they kiss you, they kiss you, and then you smell like what that fucking Hongo's face smelled like. I hated that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. See, I feel like I would just talk that way normally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dog cunts. I feel like those are the kind of speeches I'd be giving normally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I talk to myself before I go up on stage. Fucking cunts. Just fucking take this shit down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I can't be in a good mood. I can't feel good about myself or feel happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to feel a little self-loathing and I have, I just have to get, it's like, it's not that I'm really feeling that way because I'm a pretty happy person actually, but for my comedy brain to flip over, I have to go in there before I can get up. It's like a weird thing. I have to switch into that mode. I can't, I can't just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happy go lucky and go up there. Cause I won't focus. I won't, I won't be funny. I don't know why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I go up there happy, like if I'm like, oh my god, everything's great. It doesn't work for me. I have to get cunty. I have to get miserable. It's just how, it's just how it goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta do my, my Tonya Harding. I gotta, I gotta fight the imaginary, uh, you know, mom figure, I think is what's happening, honestly. I gotta prove somebody wrong. I'm so crazy in my brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's a lot only for comedy. I don't do it in my regular life, but I just know like that's where I have to access to do the thing that I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just have to get, I have to remind myself of the harder times to stand up. And when I used to have to fight for the audience to pay attention to me. And if I, like I have to go to uh, like Toledo comedy connection with two exes when I was opening, it was an opening act. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm eating fucking nachos for dinner and I'm staying in a motel. I just remember those times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I do. I have to go back to like the, the grime and the hard stuff. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like Rodney, no respect. Imagine if Rodney went up there and was like, everything's great, my wife loves me, my kids respect me. It just wouldn't be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think for me, how I'm funny is to be just a little miserable. A little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little saucy, right? I have to be a little spicy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what you may want to say to HR is, today I'm, I'm a her, tomorrow I could flux and be a he.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hourly an update as to what everyone's pronouns are so nobody's affected negatively when somebody misidentifies their pronouns. What's your pronoun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And whoever's fluxing at the moment can update the entire staff. So we all, so nobody gets their feelings hurt when they're misidentified.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good way to spend the HR energy. You know what I'm saying? Corporate energy needs to be spent on pronouns and identifying them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause your equilibrium will be off with a, with a missing toe, but you won't be completely hobbled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. And then you wake up and they're like sssss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that's how the law works though? The idea is to make you whole again. That's the phrase I used in my two weeks in law school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To make somebody whole again, and what that means is monetary compensation. So that's literally what they're doing is like, we'll just fill up the leg hole with money. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So that's, that's his definition of making him whole, which is just money, which is bananas to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would also throw in stuff like, I mean like if you got murdered by someone like, I mean like I want that guy to apologize to me every morning. I want him to come to my house and like get down on his knees and beg forgiveness and stuff like that. Can you add that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see that guy, um, that wanted to kill the, the, in the courtroom? Who is it? It's that famous trial. And he's like to the, to the judge, like, can I spend some time alone with this man? The one that was the coach that was molesting. Yeah. The doctor, the USA. Yeah. And then he took off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that was great. He's like, can I have a minute alone in the room with this guy? And she was like, no. He's like, I'm just going to do it anyway. I feel like good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was thinking about these athletes and they're traveling to China and even these guys that have to play foosball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean more time you can spend at home, sleeping normally, eating normal food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, not in a hotel room where you can't sleep and they're disrupting our lives. They're not going to be in optimal shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The odds of having a double pipe and that's manipulating the score. I'm sorry. I don't agree with that. That's like saying I had a can of beans and then I drank soda and then I had a double pipe classic. Well, yeah, because you're manipulating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, Tom, this is like, you know, it's like if you take steroids and you win the race, is that still going to be winning? And I think that if the double pipe classic occurs in nature, it's natural, it happens without forcing it. Your logic is really off on this. No, I think it's equivalent to using steroids to win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, that's what you think. You know, potato, potato. I think it should occur without interference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what, here's what, here's what, okay. It'll count, it's fine if it's just a coke. Okay, let's just say...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I'll tell you why. Yes, yes, you may, you may increase the burbage, but you're not, it's not going to affect your fartage. Now, if you were to say, I ate a bunch of refried beans and dried apricots, and then I loaded up on coke, you're trying to game the system. And a double pipe classic has to kind of happen organically. You cannot force it. You just can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, uhm, a lot of people have been writing about last week's Would You Rather. We did Would You Rather. All the music you listen to is the song The Heat Is On.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or all the movies you watch be Sister Act 2. And now people run in- Back in the habit. Back in the habit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if people were like, Christina, what about when the music happens in the film? Is it the heat is on? No, those are two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're saying if you chose the HSO as your only music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then if you're watching Sister Act 2, will you hear the HSO? Oh, that's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, then that would be yes, sorry, sorry, so I'm, I'm fucking flipping here. Jesus Christ. Well let's say you choose the HSO.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every form of music you hear will be the heat is on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in the movie Sister Act 2, they could be singing Hallelujah Jesus, but you're going to hear The Heat Is On, because you're, the only songs you can hear are The Heat Is On. You don't, I'm sorry, so you, you don't get to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, initially it was if you choose one or the other, yes. Sorry, I am confused. If you pick songs,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you pick Sister Act 2, oh wait, sorry, go ahead, go ahead, yeah, go, go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get a glass one like that lady said. Yeah. Using our banner, your mom says podcast on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, there it is, uh, jean jean jean, jean jean je jean. Uhm, so, alright, we got a lot to go over, we have a special guest coming in today, I'm very excited about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be great, uhm, let's, uh, let's just get the show started and, you know, we'll go from there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you? Oh, I do actually. There's stuff I want to discuss with you too. Uh oh. Some of your behavior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you and he are similar in that you're both not scientists, I would say. What are you talking about? That's not how that works. I'm a fart scientist. This guy, what kind of job do you think he has? He's got an interesting look. Computers. Computers? I mean, you know. I mean, I guess there's a computer at his work, I wouldn't debate that, but I don't know if he works in them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what's interesting is, is he proposing that his nose is similar to that of a vacuum? And that everything that's in the air is then gone and inside of him? Cause you have to sniff really hard to get all of that up, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right, but that kind of goes to what my point is. That is a powerful vacuum sucking, uh, you know, motor in there that has gauges that you can turn to make it even more powerful to suck the air. And you want to know the other thing that happens? Doesn't fucking work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see smoke suck into it, you're like, oh, everything's gone. And then you walk around the house, she's like, smells like pork or bacon or fish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I see him working at some type of strip mall place. That's what I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I don't, I don't wanna say he's not dumb. I'm just saying that, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, my guess is that his co-workers are, uh, whatever's next to Verizon, you know? It's like, uh, I feel like it's like those kind of little tchotchke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know you can work like that? Those are kinda gone now, but like video stores...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, adult, uh, toys. You know, where they're like, wear whatever you want. Splash, the relaxation splash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I went through, especially because I've been going to this gym and I've been really, when, the way that it's worked, it's all personal training and they do a lot of gauging of where you're at to make sure the training is appropriate for you. So I've done a lot of like where, like testing. So I'm very in tune right now with what something weighs, you know, cause they'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pick this up. How does this feel to you? Is this heavy to you? You know? Like kettlebells and stuff. Kettlebells, and we're doing like strict press, and uh, deadlifts, and whatever, rows, and so every time they're like- And fart twisters. They go, is that, how heavy is that to you? Like a five or a six? Is that a ten? So they're trying to figure out exactly where you're at, right? So when you asked me this question, I thought, you know, I'm really in tune.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you got big ol' milky beefers in there. My kettlebells? No way! Couple of cow udders sitting on you right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might meet you halfway, I might give up five and say, okay, they're fifteen, but I don't think they're much less than that. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would Big Tits, here's what would be great, is there a woman out there that works maybe in an office where dropping one of those big ol' um, hangers on a scale is something you could do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It needs to be somewhere you can drop that titty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that might be something to be really into. They still have those scales in the fish and the meat department when you buy


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if you're like, I want to get a shrimp, how much, like, uh, I want a pound or whatever. No, we should do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I know that the stamps.com one doesn't go up that high, so maybe we, maybe we could order a scale from, maybe online you can buy them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's weigh those tits. And with that, I know you have to take off for a moment. Yeah, just for a minute. We'll come back. We'll come back. Uhm, we'll have a, our guest might be here by the time you, or maybe. No. No? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so take care of that and we'll be back momentarily. You won't really know that we left. Uhm, alright, we're back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was something. I had two or three parts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But those are just luck of the draw. You know what I mean? Because you feel something in the chamber, and you go, here it is, and you're expecting...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then sometimes you go, and then it goes, sounds like someone's revving an engine, but that's just luck that you can't really predict it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it stayed in the room. That was the crazy part. I just didn't know it was going to stay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, one thing I wanted to address. Oh, first of all, before I forget, because I keep forgetting, the mugs. People ask us for mugs forever. There's two mugs. I don't want to forget to tell you, because I told you on social media. Uhm, Facebook, social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is one that came out, it says, uh, Next Stop Brown Talk. That's the one's out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can go to MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura, or go to TomSegura.com, click on the store. That's it. Uhm, so last week,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you're actually keyed in on this or not. I don't know if you're aware, but there was a lot of comments, uh, on Facebook, social media, Twitter, even Instagram and YouTubes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People were like, what the fuck? And they were accusing me. They were saying, Hey Tom, could you stop dad breathing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing. I mean, how am I supposed to breathe? I understand that. Could you at least direct them to direct their anger to you? They all assumed it was me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's, the main thing is I, I, I get why it happened. I get why it happened. But it was you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it was you and just, so if you don't know. Anyways, we had a lot to cover. Let's, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I'm not fighting you on it, it wasn't the thing. I just wanted people to know where to point their anger. Because I kept getting the messages, hey Tom, you think you can take it easy? And I would tell you if I go, oh that week that was me, I'd be like, yeah, I was congested or something. But I was like, you're the nasal champ that week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is. The worst part about my dad is when he breathes like a real dad on the phone he's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he does it, you go, could you just, could you just move the phone? Cause it's not that big of an adjustment, you're just saying, he's putting the receiver, or the mouthpiece here, and you're like, could you just adjust it here? Then anyway, you could keep breathing heavily, and it just wouldn't be into the mic, essentially. So I like to talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In other words, I think he, you know, it's like when you're tapping your fingers or tapping your foot, it feels good to you. I think he enjoys that loud breath through his ear when he's on the phone. I think it gives him some sense of calm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he hears it and actually likes it the same way when you tap your foot, you like it, but everyone else is like, Hey, do you think you could fucking stop doing that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll do like a twirl thing if I have a pen, I'll start fucking around with it. But I'm not going crazy with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I reached back and I go, could you stop that? And he goes, sorry, sorry, sorry. He knew what he was doing. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for people that don't know, Billy Corbin, the great Miami based director, he did, it is Corbin, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm thinking, yeah, Corbin, no, no, I said it right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, the director, he made Cocaine Cowboys, uh, Cocaine Cowboys 2, the U, that ESPN thing, the U part 2 broke, he's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, he's a great, great director. He made the one that basically put her name into, you know, the pop culture reference pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, tells a story about this Colombian woman who became, uh, one of the biggest drug cartel leaders. Uh, she was from the same city of Escobar, Made in Colombia, moved to Miami, was running this whole Miami operation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, crazy elaborate story. His doc about it is phenomenal. His about her is Cocaine Cowboys 2. That's the one that's about her, I believe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uh, but now, I have a respect for this when it comes to a newfound respect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To other languages. But it's so, it's anybody who knows a certain accent, it's gonna fuck you up. You know what I mean? It's like when I first watched Narcos, the actor that, he's a Brazilian guy, plays Pablo Escobar, and they make him speak Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a great actor, but you're taken out of the movie the whole ti- or the series because his Spanish is so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And hers, her accent, she's supposed to be speaking English but with a Spanish accent. And you would hear Spanish, then you would hear her native Welsh accent, then it would be like American accent. So it was kind of all over the place. It wasn't horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is like one of those things. Oh, we were watching that movie with Denzel and, uh, Colin Farrell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Colin Farrow's supposed to be playing an American guy, and then just certain parts of the movies he just sounds totally Irish, and they just go back to it. Little things like that do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I even remember, it's so funny how much it affects me, and of course, I wouldn't have this opinion about languages I'm not familiar with, you know, but because I'm familiar with Spanish, uhm, what was that, what was that series on HBO that Burns was on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think immigrant, Mexican immigrant protestors. I forget what the issue was. And then a news crew shows up and interviews them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the actress they gave the line to, to speak to the news media, spoke, was, was clearly lat, or looked latin, speaks Spanish, horrifically, like doesn't know how to speak Spanish. And the only thing I could think when I'm watching is, why would you, in this city, is filmed in LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would you give that part to someone? There's a hundred thousand women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That could have said that line efficiently and effectively.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't think there's a Mexican-Spanish speaking actress that could've said- A native speaker? Like, they went like, what happened? She's like, Yo no quiero ir mañana al trabajo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a big thing now. Now they go to the extremes where, what was that one where Matt Damon was cast in the role of an Asian? It was like the Great Wall one, it's supposed to be an Asian role.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I didn't see it. I was so upset that he was playing an Asian guy that I didn't. Now there was an even more recent movie that was coming out where they cast a white guy to play what is clearly intended to be an Asian role.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the white guy after the blowback bowed out and was like, this should be played by an Asian guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, bowed out and they hired an Asian actor, which I kind of, I think that makes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if they're like, it's 1963, and this is taking place in Tokyo, and it's a story of Japanese people, and they're like, you know what would be great? DiCaprio. That's fucking kinda stupid, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can hire the person that, and you can give the line to someone that could say it, you know, somewhat. Unless we're talking about some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, why can't you just say, uh, I go, how are the, how are the, uh, you said how are the fartichokes made? And he's like, well, you mean we can fry them or we can, uh, season them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uh, just depends on how you want to eat them. We're like, hmm, I don't know. I mean, I like fartachoke, but fried seems like it might be a little much, you know? He's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, and see if, uh, you can get away with it. That's the whole thing, it's the game. And then you're also gonna make them play the game in their own mind of, am I gonna call out this person?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That says fartachoke, cause they also have to second guess, like did they just say fartachoke? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, nobody, nobody's ready to, you know what a new game could be, is maybe introduce yourself to people, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it'd be good to do, like, what's the scenario? It's gotta be on introduction. Like, if you go, uh, someone's like, uh, you walk up, you go, hey, I'm, uh, you know, I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Payton Lafferty. Or whatever, you could just say your name. I'm Kevin Smith. And I'm a ball hog. And they go like, I'm sorry. Because they'll think they're misunderstanding you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you're checking into a hotel or a restaurant reservation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm John Brenner, and I'm a ball hog. You're like, I'm sorry? Uh, two at seven? Oh. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say it yourself. Your name is? My name is Craig Donner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm a ball hog. And they go, I'm sorry. I wanted to know if you have a table for four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not what I'm doing. No, I was actually setting up that people are out there already doing the Lord's work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this guy Zach sent in, this is from his actual office. Oh really? Okay, well I'll just play this real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I hope, uh, I hope they pay you well and I hope you have time to be yourself and be a ball hog at work. Uh, let's take a another quick break here and go see if our guest is here. Okay. All right. All right. We're back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, His Royal Highness. Oh my God. The inventor of podcasting. This is not gonna go well for me on Twitter with your people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You may have seen him most recently, uh, on his, one of his Netflix specials or on the, uh, hit show Glow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you tell me, cause I've actually wondered this, you know, everyone knows WTF, it's like, it's especially the place to go to, hey I wanna get to know what the person's really like, you've had like every comic actor, was it something where you had heard a podcast and then you went, oh, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually, it's weird to say it, but like, I was so, sometimes, you know, we do obviously a lot of things in the podcasting and performance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won't necessarily be like, oh I gotta go watch Christina do this. And I don't think she does the same for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking about it on stage now, at Mark's suggestion. Yeah, it's a great idea. Does it work? Yeah, yeah, people like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a couple, like I would, it would be like, she had started watching it when I was out. So I come in and the show's already on. She's on the third episode. And I kept seeing scenes, just, you know, uh, random points. The one of the girls, the girl from Nurse Jackie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Betty? She's fantastic. She's so good. We always talk about how Nurse Jackie is another show that she got me into that I would have never pressed play on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, I like, I like being charitable. And if that's something that, that I could participate in, since I've never actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, just the general, it's like, you know, you put out a special. Right. And then somebody doesn't like a joke. A bit? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you get that stuff? Yeah, yeah, especially this Louisiana thing. It's like I did a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's how crazy it was. When I was playing Hilarities, you know, you could at least run over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before, when I played the improv and I found out about that place, I would tell the guy, cause the only night I could eat there would be Thursday or Sunday. So I would do it on Thursday always. And then Sunday, it's like the Sunday show ends at let's say 8 30 and that place closes at Sunday at nine. So I would tell the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have your, cause they have a driver for you, even when you played the improv. You have them at the green room door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the three, they cook it three ways. Do you know what happened to me once? So one time I get there and they know I'm, I'm psycho for the place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I go, you know, I've had, I did the taste- Jonathan Sawyer. You're right. I said Michael Schwartz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only go with him because he's so nice and you're like, I'll just get eggs. And then you try it and you're like, this is sad. What's that place called? Is it called? Slidell's? Slidell's, right, I think that's it. So good. But when I went to the greenhouse last time. Slimans. Uh, Slimans. You remember this? I get to the greenhouse tavern.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I go, I had the tasting menu on Thursday, and I go, I want so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so can you like get me some recommendations? So they go, you should try this appetizer. You should try this little small plate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you had the, uh, the pig's head pork? Yeaah, yeaah. And I go, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they go, well, you should definitely have that and then we'll bring this for the dessert. Okay. So I have the appetizer, this and that. The pig's head is literally half of a boar's head. And because of how the, how it's supposed to be prepared, they bring you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in my, my show clothes, my jeans, my shirt. I'm on the treadmill in the gym because I think I'm going to throw up if I sit down or lay down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I walked on the treadmill at that hotel for I think over an hour. And I go, this is just to try to help it go down. I feel like I'm gonna die if I get off of this right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Anything meat, meat related is, it's over for me too. It's so good though. Meat options, I'm just, did you do Hatties in Nashville? You do that one too? Oh wait, yeah I have been to Hatties, what is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that you're one of my kind of guys, which is like, you know, there's that thing that I've had like 10, 12 times that gives me diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just so I don't forget, uh, you can, you can, you can do exactly what you're talking about soon. Uh, people can see you in London, great Indian foods, Stockholm, Sweden, Oslo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you start to approach the stuff that you dropped differently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the funny thing about you that I don't know if somebody doesn't like listen to a lot of stand up will get, you have this way where the trickle off feels like performance and it's funny. Cause I've seen you trickle off and I'm like, oh, that's, that's the joke. That he's trickling off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's definitely an old school. That's because he wants you to be punished for not doing well, but I think the more kind of evolved point of view would be if you can be funny about anything in that time, that's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Act like you're really intensely into what this other person's saying and that you respect them. It looks like such a contrived look. It looks like, uh, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe I didn't suck a cock. I wonder, yeah, I feel like, do you think if it was like the countdown was on, the guys that were the closest to wanting to suck cock but like repressed it would be like, let's just do it, we have like 30 minutes. And he'll forgive us, we can get in. He's about to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't mean that the next one's not gonna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now Mark, you've been around the block. I'm sure you've met your fair share of ladies that like to, you know, participate in different new and fun kinky things. Have you ever, uhm, participated in horseplay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How would you feel about a lady, you're on a date, and I think it's important to highlight that she's hot. So you're like, she's smoking hot. Okay. And then she's like, oh, you know, I'm kind of kinky. And you're like, great, me too. And then she's like, Hey, so you're going to be the master. I'm going to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From you participating in this part of it, the payoff for her is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's funny you say that, a couple guys in these scenes were kind of reminding them that there's something else down there. Like, could you not just ignore the cock, even though I know we're making ball hogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a lot to get into, I mean, it's, you know. This looks like a, like a theater class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the funny thing is this promo, this video was done by a news content organization, so they were showing it in this way of like, hey, this is a lifestyle where nothing really, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, here's what's interesting. Check out these ears. This is presented like, hey, do you want to be in our clubhouse? And have like a fun thing going on? But then the same guys, uh, also have videos out there that's not made by like professional television crews. And it's, they're more like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, you're totally right, so there's- Yeah, I mean, Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that. How do you feel about these, like, super, you know, in touch with their chakra meditative tantra girls? Are those appealing to you at all? Well, you know, I do have a girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's say this, how about this though, you're single. Yeah, yeah, I enjoyed it. Um, if you're, you're single, okay, in, in this hypothetical scenario and, uh, you meet this girl online and she's like, uh, all right, let's have dinner Saturday. And you're like, okay. And then you see this video of her. Tell me how you feel after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, real quick before the thing that you mentioned. What's happening? Is this a surprise party? No. Is this funny to you? Oh, fucking fuck. Okay. Where are we at? We're in a car, we're backing up into a garage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's the screen, but then. Like if the guy can't get it out of reverse. This next line here is probably like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be different if I was like, here's a video of my friend Ben. And it's, you know, cause it's like, you know, it feels removed. You know what I mean? It's in another language. I don't understand. All I know is that when this horrible thing happens, you also don't get the severity of it cause you're not seeing like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So you might, I mean, you think you'll really, this one will really resonate with you. Okay. So what'd you- I feel like you're setting me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Glen Fry? Oh yea, that's right. So, but here's the thing, that means that, in this scenario, whenever- That's all I can do? The only time that it's, like, if you turn on your radio, that song- Can fuckin' that guy play?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wake up in the morning, you turn on the radio, it's always the heat is on. If you get in your car, the heat is on. If you're on a date, the heat is on. Or, every time you're like, I feel like watching something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least there's, you know, there's a music component in it. What do we do with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that the only question? That's such an inappropriate, like, you know, grocery store song. It's horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, now that I think of it, I think as much as I like movies, I'd want more options with music. I really do. I think I would take...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean, then again, it's almost like we were talking about when you, when it's not going well and you address it, you know, you go that route where you say it and then you go, here's the thing. And then you explain it and it's kind of weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's that route, or there's also, it's kind of funny when somebody says like, go fuck your mother, and then they say something else. So it's kind of an equivalent of that, right? It's like, this kind of mystic, did he just say, and you just kind of move it along?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And hence, I assume that you picked it because it's gonna ruin your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, we gotta wrap things up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You believe in showing gratitude, maybe the whole way back, you can be thankful that you'll have your playlist listened to and not the HSO the whole time, you know? Like, just enjoy the fact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we do, we really do appreciate you coming over. I'm happy to see the new house. Thank you. I laughed so hard at this nonsense with you today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the best, that's why I did it this weekend. It's almost cheating. The place is so good. But it gives you encouragement, gives you some confidence, and it lets you expand on things. Right, that's what I need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, you could probably definitely get them at the Icehouse site. So if you want to see- Absolutely. If you're here in LA and you want to see Mark...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Ice House, just go to Ice House Comedy, I think. I gotta figure out who I text to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you laughing? I don't know why you're laughing. It's a funny scream. That's like my worst nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there will be horses, and all my bridesmaids would wear fuchsia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mother had put in my head at one solitaire diamond


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you what I just did this week? I'm such a shithead. I was in St. Louis tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my feature act, I go, oh hi, nice to meet you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's interesting because sport talk is a shorthand for gentlemen. Like if you'll notice every time we do have a guy guest and he, which is mostly our guests now, it's like sports first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does she pick her nose? How does she wipe her butt? How does she wear shoes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'll tell you something that happened to me. Uh, a TSA agent, I was flying to St. Louis Tits this weekend. And I had on a ComedyWorks sweatshirt and it said, you know, ComedyWorks Denver on the side. And uh, the TSA agent looks at me and she goes, yes, it does. Comedy does work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My father always, the reason we had small dog, he says, because a big dog makes big shit, small dog makes small shit. Always get small dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah. It's not ver- I'll show you how to do it. Because at our old house, I let them shit everywhere, and then the whole lawn is ruined, and it's like a minefield. But if you tell them, like, this is your one area, you just train them, okay, come on dog shit alley, and then they only go there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I'm gonna show you a video. We're gonna show you a video. And you just react to it however. I'm not gonna set him up too much. Just react how you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is the, this is the whole thing, the reaction that Tom is talking about, that it's, it's a reaction. It's how he's reacting versus that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that guy. So, you know, now that I have a kid too, uh, you, you know, even if I were to label Ellis a girl, I'd be like, you're a she. It doesn't matter. I feel like that gender shit happens on its own. You know what I'm saying? Like my boy likes dirt and trucks and I've done nothing to really, to influence that. Like I don't hand him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he was in a toddler's class last week and they brought out baby dolls and all the girls got excited, pulled them out. My son took one look and was like, fuck that and ran across, like doesn't even want, he's not interested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The teacher told me that he should, excuse me, play with, we should kind of force this shit on him. I go, listen, I'm not trying to raise him to be a macho man. I teach him to be gentle with animals and with whatever, but if he doesn't want to play with a doll, he's not going to play with a doll today. Sorry. I'm not going to force him to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean look, I'm not, I'm not black, so the black part of her, I could if I wanted. That part I understand is a cultural identity and it's really fucked up to just be like, I'm black now. But the tits are like, that doesn't even look good. Yea, like it's not even good. It has to hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I did. I totally did. You know why? Because I was cooking. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so whenever that happens, I don't know, my mind just goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was, I was making a momlet. Making sure the sides are you know, clean on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot to get into, Jean. So why don't we open the show, right? And then do it. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mom's house for the new year. This is 2018. And what a great way to start 2018, you guys. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is kind of, uhm, you know, every year you can't do the same thing you did the last year. So part of what we've committed to for 2018 for the show moving forward is kind of taking on a little more of a Christian angle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what? I don't care because I know he'll provide. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that guy too, he was like the older guy leading it. He had learned, um, like expressions and phrases from within hip hop. So he said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What up, what up? Come on, come on. Like he was trying to be like a real hype man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They really reluctantly get into it. They're like, it is cool. And they're all nerds, and the only thing is they just haven't had their nuts busted yet, you know? Right. Because once you do it, you're like, no, no, Virginia's not cool. Busting nuts is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's probably not. Well yeah, you're just trying to keep them virgins, and for what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I mean, I tell a story about my dad talking to me about masturbation on stage, so I'll leave that there. But I remember my aunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were like, what's masturbating? And she's like, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Masturbation is when you have, uh, impure, uh, acts with yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were like, okay, so like, should we do that? And she was like, no, because if you do that, then it takes away from the love and feeling you have for your partner. We were like, woah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come to my shows, do it in my green room. Do it when you meet people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had polar opposite though, uhm, explanations. Like my parents were basically like, virginity is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't bring it up, then they talked about marriage, then they talked about like, you know, I remember when I was dating a girl in high school and my mom one time, I was driving her somewhere and she just goes, I don't know where she goes, I hope you are treating her with respect. Oh dear. I was like, I'm sorry. I didn't know she was getting to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, proper credit for this. This is from EverythingIsTerrible.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If anything, I wish I could go back and lose my virginity much younger and, and really exploit some of the women around me at that age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%. Are you serious right now? I love this idea. I have the confidence now to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about him? It's your kid. It's your kid. Your kid. No, your kid. You gotta raise him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Terrified of sex, or terrified of your parents, or terrified of God. There's some scary parents, I'm sure, who, like, the kids are like, oh my god. You know, like, they're really in fear, like, mom and dad are gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and I'll drive in the neighborhood, like bad neighborhoods and be like, this is where you'll have to live if you have a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Mahalo, it's back, we're back from Hawaii.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's for tourists. Yeah, like when you're staying at a hotel, they're like, Aloha. Aloha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like the fifth guy that walks by you in the hallway, you know, like a maintenance guy or something, he'll be like, hello? You're like, alright, I got it. It's not. Good morning. Yeah. Hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was great. It was really great to recharge the batteries, take time off. We needed it, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is hilarious. We got a rental car, only because we're staying there like a week, I think eight days, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One day, like third day and I'm like, well we gotta see this place at some point, it's a beautiful island.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so I go down to the front desk and I said, I want to be able to rent a car one day and explore. And they're like, oh yeah, we can set it up for you. I said, great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about in a few more days? So it's like, do it on day six. And they're like, okay. So day six comes around and I'm like really like chilling at the hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, which is a great thing, but that's how we do it. You lay on the beach, chill out, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like they, you know, I go down, they go, they go, your car's ready, you know, give us your driver's license, blah, blah, blah. And then they say, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, leave from here, they give us a map, do you want to explore, uhm, this place? And I go, she goes, everyone goes here, I think it's the road to Han. I go, okay, how far, it's just gotta be like a six hour, like a full day thing. I'm like, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then it's like the next thing, she's like, this one's pretty cool and you can check out this restaurant, blah, blah, blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, how long is that? She's like, I mean, it's not bad. That's like a 45 minute drive. And I go, all right. And she goes, so when you're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You bring the car back here to the hotel and make sure you come back to us and tell us to close it out. Otherwise, you'll be charged for overnight parking fees. They'll assume you're keeping the car. I said, okay. I get in the car with you. I'm not really saying anything. I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, alright, so we're gonna go this place, I checked it out, here's the map, uhm, you know, and you go, well, why don't we stop and get a coffee first, I know you want a coffee for the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you hooked me up for Christmas. You made me a barista. I did. You got me like my own coffee grinds and a little French press. It's nice. Thank you very much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We park, we get a coffee, and we sit down. We just sit down outside of the place and... Yea. ...sit in there with you. It's like rocking chairs. We're sitting in these rocking chairs and I go, uh, I gotta tell you, um, I don't really want to drive to this place right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go, yeah, I don't want to do it either. And I go, so what do we do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, well, let's hang out here for a minute so it looks like we're gone for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we do, we just walk around, there's a few shops. It's like their mall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, first they insult my coffee order, and then I say, hey, uh, by the way, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to check out something, but I don't want to drive too far. Cause I'm still trying to make something happen and I just don't want to do the 45 minutes. I go, is there something around here like 15, you know, 20 minutes. Like 5 minutes, like a warm up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there anything like semi-close, I said. And they go, well...


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[Assistant] And the lady mentions some beach. She goes, there's that beach. I go, oh, okay.


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[Assistant] Thankfully the other lady goes, that's not 15 minutes. And I goes, not? And she goes, no, that's about 30 minutes each way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing around here that I could drive to and see. And the lady goes, I know what you could do. And I go, what? She goes, you can just walk down to the beach here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, yeah, it's beautiful. And I go, I'm staying here. Like I stay, I'm staying on this beach. Nothing I can go explore.


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[Assistant] So we walk around, we hit a couple shops, I don't know, we probably spent 30 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, we, we didn't make, we didn't spend a whole day there, we just spent like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walk back in, I go to the same lady at the front desk and I go, hey, you can close this out. She was like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want it later? And I go, no, no, no. You could tell she wanted to say something, but she was too polite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but the thing was, we were enjoying our vacation hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, this is a really nice mall. No, but seriously, the beach was beautiful.


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[Assistant] Apparently, I also found out that in Hawaii, in those islands, uh, Joe Coy is like fucking, uh, you know, Justin Bieber. It's fucking crazy. Yeah, he outsold you too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well because we had this debate between us, we also had this debate, uhm, and had listeners way in for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty much, yeaah, I mean it's the first medical person. Moob could have a gastroenterologist come in here if you want and see if...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was a listener who proposed the opposite, that shit's pushed, and I was like, oh my god, that makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had my folks here, I'm sorry that we didn't get them to weigh in or see that, you know, they could have weighed in on us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, you know, I was not, uh, in the news much lately. I go, who? He goes, uh, Gerald Kushner. I go, who? He goes, Gerald Kushner. And I go, Jared Kushner. And he's like, yeah. Why don't you know the name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I remember I talked to somebody once, he was like, oh, he should see a neurologist. Like his brain's, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not that serious, but it's also, I was like, oh no it's not, because it's also, he's been doing it for 35 years. Like, he's been saying everything incorrectly. So I was like, so that X's out brain. Then it's ear, like hearing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, the other thing is like, are you just not paying attention? And I think that might be ding ding ding. Because he also, if you go like, Gerald Kushner, and you go, you mean Jared? He goes, yeah, Jared. Like, so he's like, I don't really care, I was just saying something similar to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. I'm kinda fascinated by it, honestly.


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[Assistant] Well yeah, because I'm like, well, I don't understand why you don't pay attention more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big effort. Yea, totally. You got a clean bill of health, I was like, okay.


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[Assistant] I went and had my physical, I told my doctor about it, and he was like, neurologist? And I was like, no dude, because he's not, it's ongoing, it's nothing new. It's consistent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I realized the time that I figured out that my dad doesn't actually read things that I, that I think he reads. So that also told me about paying attention. In other words, I remember one time I was like, read this article in Newsweek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, oh man, it's a fascinating story. I go, you gotta read this. He's like, oh, give it to me. Cause he was just sitting around in the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gave it to him. I came back, you know, 20, 30 minutes later. He's like, yes, it's really something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, and then, you know, to think that he'd kill her, he's like, he killed her? And I go, didn't you read the article? He goes, I must have missed that. And I go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't understand how someone can say I just read the article and you miss the climax, like the detail of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a fucking 400 page book. So he works in that world. I go, I brought this book. I just finished it. It's amazing. I give it to him and like the next day he's like, that was a really good book. And I go, you read that book. And he was like, yeah. And I go, it's 400 pages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, no, I knew a lot of the stuff in it. And I go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do you like get to things and then skip over that part and then read the thing and then skip over that part? He's like, yeah. And I'm like, okay, so now I'm putting together


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How you collect, you know what I mean? He does-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's not the whole story. And then, and then that's why it's like Gerald Kushner and Pesky. It's like, you know, he's saying like, I've got the right idea, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I like that it like, it definitely affects your colt, you know, that whole digestive tract. Gets it in the, that, you know, equates kind of squatting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this is a nice time to take a pause and see if our guest arrives here momentarily. Okay, sorry, we've just been joined by our guest Josh Wolf. Very young, very handsome, father of eight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jojo? So it's BB and Jojo. That's pretty cute. That's good. Can I tell you, this is a great segue because my parents were just here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And their grandparents and our son is too. You know, he's saying a lot of words now and starting to identify people. And so my mom, but they don't see him that often. That's the thing is that they see him, you know, because they live in Florida. So my mom is Peruvian. We called her mother Noni and, and my sister's kids call her Yaya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, so what are you, you know, what's it gonna be? She's like, who am I, am I known? You know, I go, what do you, what do you want me to call you? And she's like, how about Nana? And I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, sure. And then I'm like, my dad, who's American, I'm like, dad, what about you? And he goes, I prefer grandfather. And I'm like, are you fucking serious? You want him to spit out grandfather? At two? And also, how fucking formal is that? He's like, that's what I want it to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, alright. I mean, you know, he dresses super formal on the most relaxed day. We talk about it now. He's like...


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[Assistant] Like khakis, loafers, a belt, a tucked in button down shirt. I'm like, why don't you wear something comfortable? And he'll go, I am comfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he goes, you know, he's like, you should see the ways people are fucking dressed on these planes. He's like, you know, when I was a kid, you wore a coat and a tie to fly. Cause that was considered like a special thing to do. You put on a coat and a tie to get on a plane. And I'm like, that's a little dramatic, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's like the clothing thing sounds like it's unrelated, it's all kind of relates to each other. Like if you're wearing a tank top and you're fucking PJs and your house slippers on a plane, you're just, it's, that bleeds into every part of your, then you're like, I'll bring a possum to the fucking road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're all trying to figure out who we are and all this in life. And I think sometimes people lock into like one, it's like when someone's identity is weed or something and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, every post is like, I'm rolling a blunt, I'm smoking a joint, weed, I got weed, it's 420. And you're like, alright, like, is there any other aspect to your life and who you are than weed? It's like becomes their only thing. Right. It's just, my whole life is weed. I got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think, like, animal people are like that too. It's like, you know, I'm the animal guy. It's like, we get it. You're trying to like, say something, you're trying to figure out who you are, and you found this one thing that you like, so then you're just like, I'm going all in on that thing. On the identity. But you gotta go all in on possum? That seems like a really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was in high school, this reminds me, one of my friends, they found the driving and their animal lovers and they found a dead possum on the side of the road and a baby possum next to it. So the mother had been killed. So they took in the baby possum, brought it home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, started nursing it, you know, putting a little bottle of milk, feeding it that way.


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[Assistant] Come over and little baby possum sitting on her shoulder and like, you just found this fucking possum.


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[Assistant] And they, you know, all this and then I remember, it's like the next month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I come over, I'm like, where's the possum? They're like, we have to get rid of it. Of course. Why? And they're like, it's...