[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a soft flex. Like everybody is like trying to look like they're worth more. And then it's like you could become so wealthy that you're like, I'm not trying to make anyone think you are. Like it's like the opposite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I thought was really funny. We were talking about watches. I was like, what do you have on? He was like, uhm, he had like an eye watch. I was like, oh, you don't have like a, he's like, oh no, no, I'm past that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me too, that's just like, automatic diarrhea. Like I would just eat that and be like, I'm gonna shit here on the floor right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, this is a cool thing. If you're, if you're watching and you're wondering like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can I send a woman a signal to let her know that I like her, but without being like too overt and without being too subtle. What you do is, you look at her, right, stare at her a little bit, make her notice you, and then just real quick you go, like that. And it works every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we could probably go to- As a team effort. We could approach a woman together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a cool, I found a cool chick, it's very rare. A lot of times there's cool guys out there, and when I say cool guys, uhm, I mean it 100%. Uhm, but if you throw, throw on your headphones and I'll show you a very cool girl, uh, can up, and this girl,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you familiar, by the way, with a man named Fedsmoker? No. You don't know Fedsmoker? No. So... You're educating me. Oh yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he could know him. He could know him. So, Fedsmoker is a guy who he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He considered himself somebody who would smoke out bad cops, federal agents, and like put bad cops away. He was on a mission.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and he made about 14 YouTube accounts and he would post videos to each of his accounts. He passed earlier this year, I think it was this year, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, there are some conspiracy theories that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He could have been involved. Oh shit. That's a juicy conspiracy. Yeaah. It's pretty wild. I mean we go down his rabbit hole quite a bit. Because he's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll give you some background on them before I show you the newest thing. Oh, there's a new thing? Well, we discover videos that he's posted because they're all hidden. Oh wow. They're like little cookie crumbs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also, so he worked at Falcon Car Wash and he would do haircuts and also, you know how dentists really overcharge you? Uhm, so he would do things like, uhm, extract teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucking cool. He would like pull people over, like he would get out of the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he would, uhm, he would claim at times to be a CIA operative, a double agent, uhm, he said, you know, I put cops away, bad cops away, and uhm, he traveled, as you saw, with a baby raper pouch that had a stamp in it, and he was like, you'll get that stamp on your fucking face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he was always breaking shit down for people and so we find things like this one. I haven't even seen this one. This is a new? Yes, it says Fed Smoker Computer Lesson. I have no idea but I'm assuming he's gonna teach us a thing or two. Oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you know what the funny thing is, cause we work with Dr. Drew a lot, right? Oh yeaah. He does produce a show of his here. Yeaah. And he said, uhm, like almost exclusively, he said, people who smoke meth, go


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Towards cops, people in uniform. Really? They pursue them. And people on cocaine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'd like to give a shout out to our good friends over at Whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of us are trying to make it back to work on our fitness and health. There's a lot of challenges for us to make it happen right now. Some people are able to work with personal trainers, but not everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now our listeners can get 15% off all memberships. Give Whoop a shot. And if it's not for you, they offer a 30 day return policy. No questions asked. Head over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To whoop w h o o p dot com and enter y o u r m o m your mom at checkout and save fifteen percent off


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Join Whoop today and sleep better, recover faster and train smarter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I want to ask you something. So you, obviously you've toured and put out albums and then this year, like a few other people, you did some drive ins, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, but do you think that like, you know, let's say, cause we really don't know what like, there's no end in sight. It doesn't feel like, you know, so like going into the new year, will you book a bunch of drive ins again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, me too. That's my stuff. Well, I have like, I did a club over the weekend. Oh, okay. That was, uh, like reduced capacity and, and, um, masks. Oh, okay. So everyone had masks on in a club. Oh, wow. How was that? It was great. Really? Yeah, it felt like a totally same show. Only thing that you would ever notice on is when you did crowd work, like, and where are you from, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But other than that, like, the laughs are the same. All that was the same. That's cool. Isn't the store doing, uh... No, cause LA keeps shutting it down. Oh, oh, I see. But other places, they are, but my, like, tour tour doesn't start till July.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's always another piece of news with the news though. They're like, we're this close to the vaccine. And then they go, it's going to be really hard to distribute. That's another problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna fuck on the streets. I'm gonna fuck on the streets too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever stranger walks up to me and is like, Tom, you are an honorable and reliable kind man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's improv, yea. How annoyed would you be to be like, alright man, you play this, and then you play, like, at this point, wouldn't you be like, I do this all on my own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And is it a slow progression or is there a moment that you knew that like the way you were doing stuff really worked and you could tour and people, you know what I mean, wanted to consume what you make that way?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like very much like a stand-up, uh, career. Yes, yes. Yeah, very much that. People are like, I just wanna have dinner here, thanks. Yeah, like what the fuck are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause you are attacking these people. You are forcing them into a show. And it's like, they're like, we didn't sign up for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I've seen the one take one. Oh, okay. Yeah. The one more time. One more time. Yes. Yes. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so impressive to see like, the songs get...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does this happen? You just don't understand how it happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I'm like, oh yea, I'm like, she's right here. Like, just be cool man. He's like, I hate this. I don't want to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, before we get to our final talks, I just wanted to show you, uh, something real quick here on the screen to see how you react to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you're, it's like you're, I mean in football they're like I wanna see assholes in elbows like you're in three point stance. Oh. It's like you're doing work, you know. Okay. But I guess he's saying. He's saying they're selling tickets. They're processing tickets with their assholes and elbows up in the air. They're working hard. They're butt fucking each other? I mean. He is just so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was on actually, it aired initially. It's one of those things that aired on a network and Netflix licensed it afterwards. But there are like so many moments. I watched it in like one night. It was like a two or three hour thing. And he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's big on this shit, you know, the big like, uh, the outdoor thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you really realize though, that's super telling when you're like, like, he really is like, fuck all these other. Yeah, he's out for blood. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I mean, translation, these blacks are out of control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know what I just remembered? I just remembered right now that my dad said he doesn't want to have sex with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you may. I think you're gonna find that you need to dig a little deeper on the talk next time you're on when you see some of these. These are all Christina's curations. Oh my goodness. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All I can do is nod in agreement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She does not think it's funny. Truly did not like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is nothing worse, though, than when you're on mic, and you're supposed to, like, we do it on a much smaller scale, but when you're supposed to introduce someone. Oh, yeah. And especially if they have, like, uh, they don't have, well, if they don't have, like, this, like, you're on stage, and you're like, who's up next? You know what I mean? And they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially for someone you don't know. Right. And then you start to panic about if they have a name that's not like a really simple name. Right. Oh my god. I mean one time I introduced a guy and this was like early on. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I appreciate, I'm also like Mark in that I don't know what fucking back room he broke into, but there are so many cables there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say that uhm, I like your energy and, and, you know, we live in a free country and you should express however you want politically, but I would take the fire outside. That's advisable. Yeah, that's advisable. I don't know if he was about to be like, I mean, I was doing this thing with my TikTok. I accidentally set my house on fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like essential oils. Rosehip. Yeah, rosehip. The eye stuff is kind of maybe the part that really... Okay, I love you too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I got you. So she took the person and she was like, I will. I just want to comment about your video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You deserve a bit of an explanation here. We've been following this man's talks for a while. Oh really? Yes, and he does a thing where he starts his every video that he posts as like, hello my queens above 18. Like he always makes the distinction he's not talking to minors. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, how does it feel to hear the king talk about you and your golf game?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean a little, there were these two corny ass grown adults and they lived down the hall from us and they had a license plate that said pixie dusted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and then we ride the elevator, and you know, after a while you start to see people over and over. Right. So we're in this very standoffish building, right? L.A.'s very like, mmm. No one says like, how you doing? It wasn't a rampart division. Yea, it was not a good neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, you know, you see the guy and I was like, what's up? He was like, feeling pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing there? It's like, dude, hit the strip clubs. Riding the teacup. A little bit. Like, live a little. Once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you've got a yearly pass, which has to be like, what? Thousands. At least. And then every time they drive down there and they've got to spend money, right? Dude, eating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just saw the dumbest one. I saw one, it was a Tesla, and the license plate, not, you know sometimes things are made to look like a word. Yea yea, it's a number. For the sound. It just said, all letters, fart gas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was it. That was pretty cool. Fart gas. Fart gas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know where my mind immediately goes? That, like, the panic on his face, walking in on her getting, like, tripled teamed. And him being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. Check out the albums, go to his YouTube. Fun, fun dive on your YouTube. Yeah, you're so talented. My goodness. Every week we end with a closing song from a listener. So they create music for us. Oh, fun. This song is called Don't Be Stingy by


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, Darman fam, I hope you loved that message. Please remember, we're not just telling stories, we're changing lives. And when you share my videos, you're helping to change lives too. I appreciate you and I'll see you in the next video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Darman fam, I hope you loved that message. Please remember, we're not just telling stories, we're changing lives. And when you share my videos, you're helping to change lives too. I appreciate you, and I'll see you in the next video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it when I say after the red comes the white? You ever heard me say that before? I think it's because the blood of Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good for you man. Feel so bad for these cops. In my pants, but when you wash it off it trickles down. Oh god, it's horrible man. I uh, sat in my car once and it went off and the only thing I had was a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Christina's, like Christina's reaction. What the fuck, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's in the rotation. Wow. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so good, babe. Thanks. That was so good, I know how hard that was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm proud of you. It was a really big deal. Do you feel better?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awful, that's a lot. Oh god. Oh god. I showed Dr. Drew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Street people, check it out. You guys asked what my favorite meal is. This is my favorite meal here. To you, it might not look like much, but to me, this is it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only water I drink is sparkling water, because sparkling water is for rich people, and I'll tell you why. You can get non-carbonated water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still water from the fucking tap. The government gives you that shit, effectively for free. Sparkling water you have to buy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you only drink sparkling water, you only drink rich man's water. I explained this to someone, some bumbacla, and of course he replied with the typical, but I don't like sparkling. You don't like sparkling water? You don't like water? Yea, but the bubbles! The bubbles? You scared of bubbles, you little bitch? Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not only should women clean up, women should clean up unprompted. I'm gonna tell you why. Yes. It's very, very simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We live in a world where things need to be fair. 50-50. Gender equality. Blah, blah. I pay for things unprompted. You don't have to ask me to pay for shit. We go for dinner, I'll get my wallet out, pay at the end. Don't even check the price of the bill. My card always works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everywhere you eat, everywhere you go, where you sleep, you ain't paying for shit. You ain't getting in my car and I'm asking you for motherfucking gas money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? That's what this phone calls about? She goes, tell me. You can make all the jokes you want that I'm an idiot because I am. She's like, call me a stupid, make fun of everybody. But you do not make jokes about Christ, La Virgen Maria.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just going to tell you, your eyebrows are uh, the way you did your eyelashes looks really good today, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I noticed you answered to Twang, but I think you're holding out on me. I think there's more to that name, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was one guy that thought it was a still photograph and he was like, oh, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black trans lives, man. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, I'm Sam Barsky, and this is my sweater of the Forest of Hope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At Oregon Ridge Park in Hunt Valley, Maryland. That's the suburb of Baltimore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smile Black Mike, we going live in like 10 horror fitting 15 minutes at Winston's cave for show. Surprise Black Mike and introducing Winston motherfucking cave aka the caveman aka the boss. Hashtag we out there. Hashtag bet that ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The key though is that it's showing there's, there's an extra syllable. That's the thing that's kinda like right in the middle of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're half right. I'm saying that both of you are right because it, it sounds like there's not a, the, the, the sound a in it, but there is another syllable. It's not elementary, it's elementary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeans, jacket. So, Mom Australia and, uh, Jew Zealand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To Auckland, how do they talk in, in New Zealand? They go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you go to Christ, Christ Church?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's like America, but they do stuff on the wrong side, and that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're better. Wait, so do Australian accent and then do New Zealand, so what's the difference?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Choice bro, but say it like they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] OMG, I can't wait to tell you about Satva Luxury Mattress. We have been sleeping on Satva mattresses now for how many years, Jean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We discovered this company when we were, uhm, broke. Comics looking for a wonderful mattress because we wanted to upgrade without having to pay upgrade prices.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we found Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A and we fell in love with these mattresses. We started with the luxury firm King Size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're on it. That's how much we love this company. We let our children sleep on their mattresses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I love? The calorie burner. Sometimes I'll go from the bottom of the stairs to the top and just to see how many calories I burn. Just climbing stairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and I can see your profile. We've made a team and we can see what the other person's up to, which is nice when you're traveling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just pleasant. It's a good place. It's not a suck place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Aussies are, A, they're down for a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of, would you mind pulling up the photo that he, did you put this photo on public? I don't know. Or just privately? No. Of you holding that koala bear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Haha, chillin with your bros. Yeah. But you sent me a photograph of you and that koala bear and I swear I've never seen you look that happy. Not even when you were holding our newborn children. Oh stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were, you, so that, see that look on your face, so genuinely thrilled, like look at you. You're never this happy, you just, you loved those kangas and those koalas. I mean, animals are like that. I know, they're awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did you do on the flight? So it's 15 hours. Did you shit on that flight? That's a long time to go without browning. Did you brown before you got on the plane?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So good. I remember that. I remember that. It's like oily and good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Italians, yes, yes, Europeans. The guineas, the spics, the turks, and then... Right, but because of the, it's because of the koala turds, did you know that? They eat the eucalyptus, and then they shit, and then that's what the coffee beans are grown in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're kind of on the other team. You know what I'm saying? You're not really a social justice


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know what you're saying. There are certain comedians too that I don't think I would- I'd be like, they wouldn't be jazzed to meet me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well sometimes when I get real excited about the celebrity,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I feel like Hannah Gatsby, let's be honest, is a lot smarter than us. Probably way more, just like, empathetic than we are to certain things. You know what I mean? Like, I doubt her podcast would open on like, the kind of clip we play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I just feel like sh- yeah, she's too- she's like way nicer and- Okay. And stuff. Right? Got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. She wasn't looking at you like, are you gonna? Are you gonna come over here to Sakura or not? She wasn't, yeaah. So then let her have her time. No way. With her lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so stupid. That sounds so wealthy. Wait, so, but most importantly, and I think the audience is so curious, how are your browns?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I finally- But that's the thing, so I put Alice in the classroom, and then I come out, and you're still hovering in front of the teacher's lounge, and I go, go in there, just go shit, cause you're gonna, you're gonna, it's an emergency, you are, very seldom are you like, it is code red, or code brown rather, I need to go now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you guys can pee anywhere, but you can't brown anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't think I would. Your brown smells very particular. It's a sour brown smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so go, so wait, hold on, so they're all making their coffee and they're chatting and then you're in there just dumping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Ellis' dad just took a dump in the conference center.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, well, big news, I gotta tell you though, I've missed you, uh, it's been very, you know, the kids got sick, everybody got sick without you around, and I've been on the talk a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I came across this one that really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tickled my fancy. It stuck with me. I've been thinking about it for three days now. I sent it to you. You've been on it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause someone else loves me as much as you do. Someone who we've been together for what, 15 years, and this newp, our best friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it, it feels like my worst nightmare. Like all this sounds so horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, because if you look at her mouth, it's pointed down. And if you look at how her-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, if you, if you look at her, the physical, the eyes, like it, her words are betraying what her body language is saying. It's really apparent. There's sadness. It looks like really sad. She looks like the most broken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lowest self esteemer I've ever seen. She's fooled herself into thinking this is okay. There's no way she's okay with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I would be either, I'd probably be both suicidal and homicidal if this, if this fucking happened to me. Really? Oh, I'd kill myself. Or I'd kill you and the girl. Jesus. I have so much strong, I have so many strong feelings, I'm like, ugh, this is terrible. But I am happy for you when you have a new girlfriend. There's no way that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's fooling herself. There's no way. You know what it is, is the guy's kind of a P.O.S. and he's talked her into this bullshit lifestyle. You know what I mean? He's bringing her along and she's like, it's just so great. Can you, can we watch it again? I just, I don't, like watch her body language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course! Cause you know it's counter everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause on some level she knows that it's not cool. Like it's not cool with her, I'm saying. On some level. This is insanity. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I like when she corrects herself too, she's like, you know, when your girlfriend, when your husband gets a new girlfriend, or a new partner, like we have to be PC even in the poly thing, you know, like just, ugh, so gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really blows me away, I'm like speechless, I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. He's my best friend. And you started- I love him. I love-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, are you happy for Bird in my NRE? Yes! Are you happy about all the text Bird's been sending me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, Tom! And that doesn't turn you on? That doesn't make you really hard? I forgot to brush my teeth this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, all good things, Tom. When are you gonna, when am I gonna get a new boyfriend in our poly situation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seclusive. Wait, is that the word? Seclusive? Is that a word? Can you google it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Chris, you're smart. Seclusive? Is that a word, Chris?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he pees into cans. I mean, that's pretty impressive to pee in a monster can, right? The opening is not very large. So does he have a smaller peener? What's going on here, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I would say, good marketing on his end for coming up with a title. Pisspots is a pretty good name for the show. It's accurate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Jean. Postage rates have gone up again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thankfully, Stamps.com eases the pain with big discounts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Post office retail rates. We love stamps.com. We've been using them for years to send our merch out because stamps.com brings all the services.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anywhere, anywhere you want to send. And once your mail is ready, you just hand it to your mail carrier or drop it in a mailbox. It really is just that simple. Stamps.com not only saves you time, it saves you money. You get discounts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, you don't have to rent a postage meter. So it's just, it's so easy. It's a no-brainer. It saves you time and money. And it's no wonder over 700,000 small businesses already use stamps.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and the digital scale without any long-term commitment. Just go to Stamps.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Mom. That's Stamps.com. Enter Mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a feeling this shirt will take the YMH community by storm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, especially the phrasing, it really is just finding that combo of words when you're feathering brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are, oh, it's Arizona blue band thing. Wait a minute. Yeah, okay, so let's, let's study this because I'm just seeing this now really for the, I thought it was a bike handle. So it looks like he's got glasses taped with no lenses and then razor blades.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's interesting though is that he labels these with titles unlike Robert Paul Champagne who just does the numbers.


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[Assistant] Well, he is doing a public service. He's going around the nation making sure they're following Proto.


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[Assistant] Of course. What I love is that this is a first video where they're all watching him, and then by the third video they're all avoiding eye contact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why the intensity of the talking? Like why is it like this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I even, uh, DM'd Sarah. I did too. And I was like, dude, you, I don't know how you did it. She's like, have you finished it yet? I go, I'm like, not yet. She's like, it's about to get crazy. And it really, did you watch it, native? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I like his love interest as well. She's such a great actress. She's phenomenal. I love her, uh, her mouth. She's got great teeth. And the way her mouth moves, I really enjoy watching her talk. Do you know what I'm saying? I know it sounds stupid, but I really enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fantastic. Now, I've also been uhm, you got me to watch Parasite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good- I see what Tom likes about it. Let me just say that. I see what Tom enjoys. Wait, wait, wait. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, it's good, but it put me in a sad place. It put me in a weird mood. I just got bummed. I got a little bummed. That's what I live for. I know. I think you're gonna really dig Dracula on Netflix. Have you watched anyone? It's so fucking good, you guys. Check out Dracula. It's like three movies. It's not gonna bum me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, but he's great. You're gonna love it. It's a new, kind of a newer take on it. It's fantastic. And I've been-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I was in a weird mood, I think I was like alone in the house, you were far far away, I was feeling sad that you were gone, a little scared, I don't need to see stuff like that when I'm feeling vulnerable, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. How much do you like it when you know that I've come home from just having sex with Bobby? Like, and you smell NRE on me, and, uh, babe, I, like, I take a shower first, and you know I'm just washing him off of me and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what else I've been into on the TLC Learning Channel is Thousand Pound Sisters and I've got to get you on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's combined they weigh a thousand pounds. One is six hundred and one is four hundred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one has so- is so fat that there's fat on her forehead. Will you Google the photos for them, Nadav?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta see these two. And they drink their sodis every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, there's still six bills. And the one on the right is married and has a relationship. The one on the left, not so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, their mom was a real piece of shit, unsupportive, dad left them, there's so much trauma. And the best part is they meet the mom to announce that they're gonna do the stomach stapling, and the mom is like, pfft, good luck, y'all never stuck with anything before, like totally dream crushing them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She lost a bunch of weight and anyway, like there's people on Instagram that are like, don't fat shame Lizzo or so and so cause she's still healthy even though she's overweight. And I'm like, I'm pretty sure that's not true. Like you, I don't think being overweight is healthy. Am I crazy here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, even my, even he told me, he's like, you need to lose. I need to lose face.


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[Assistant] Well it can't, it doesn't feel good to be overweight. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Bitches be snappin' back after they have babies. I'm on the snapback now. I'm working hard for my snapback. But I offered actually somebody, remember, cause I'm doing Weight Watchers and I offered it to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone of my relatives for free, I'll do this with you. And she, she refused it. She goes, no, I want, I like to eat and I want to stay fat. It's exactly what we're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I agree, I agree. And speaking of people who have given up, I took a photograph of a man in the pharmacy the other day I was standing in line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nidav, can you please put this photo up on the screen? I had such strong feelings when I saw this man and the way he dressed and I just want to go over this with you. Do you see what I see? Yes. Can you describe it for the audience and let's go through it bit by bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not? Oh, cause you're bo- cause you're on a boat and- Yeah, those are like- You should be benefit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I can think of is how disgusting his feet smell and his wife has to smell those feet when he takes the shoes off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's the deal you're making with the devil is when you decide to go sockless. On those?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And same with toms, if you've ever worn a pair of toms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to like them, but then they make your feet real sweaty and smelly. Cause there's like nylon. Yeaah, there's a cloth. A cloth, and again, no breathing. Not breathable. Yeaah. And it's just, so basically if you're buying these, I thought these were called top-siders. Now what is a top-sider?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's in that same world of like nerd shoes or just like uppity white people shoes, right? Like nerds wear these, right? Yeah, these are for dorks. Topsiders. Nerds. Like in the 80s, yeah, geeks wore this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't like seeing a man not wear socks anytime I'm out in public and he's not wearing socks. By the way, you know where that's all


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was cold out too, like I don't think so.


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[Assistant] Yeah, disgusting, look how white that guy is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, on my show where my mom's at, you know, we were discussing uhm, someone, someone wrote in an email saying that my husband does the laundry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, if there's something that needs to be done in the house, he'll, he'll just do it. Like for instance, if one of us walks by a pile of dirty dishes, we'll just do it. And if I do the laundry, my husband will fold the laundry. And I was just wondering because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I like to talk, I'm curious about other people's homes and how they do stuff and it was brought up on the show that maybe I could suggest it to you if we could start kind of being a little more equitable in the division of duties around the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's being serious because I said that I would ask you and then video the response but I feel like we should just do it on YMH. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wouldn't fold the laundry? No. I know. And I said this too, I'm like, there's no way because in 15 years I've never seen you fold laundry. Not once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that I don't hate you. We outsource it. Same with grocery shopping. There's an Instacart app. If there's something you want, put it in the fucking Instacart or you tell me and I'll put it in and that's fine. Yeah. So we've outsourced those issues. Yeah. I agree. It's a huge marriage saver. It is. Cause I don't get mad at you for not doing that stuff. You scrap together the cash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I- Oh, you go into debt to get teeth always. Teeth are priority. Teeth and a housekeeper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just retired and didn't kinda, like, they didn't know-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I called him the other day, just out of curiosity, he's gone. And so are my x-rays that I just took.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and I have scores of men writing me being like, yeah, it's not a big deal. Like my, my, I'll do the, if my, there's, this one blew me away. If my wife cooks, I'll do the dishes. And I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never happened. Not, I don't think that's ever happened in our lives.


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[Assistant] There is, I wish I could remember which comedian said this at the Laugh Factory, but he was so spot on. God, I wish I could give him credit right now. He goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know a woman stops loving you when she doesn't put a plate of food in front of her man? That's, that's what's up. And that is, for me, 100% true. The minute I'm like, fuck him, he makes his own plate of Thanksgiving dinner or whatever, the woman doesn't love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but for me in our home, when I cook for you and the children and I put a plate of food in front of you and them, that's love. Now, I don't like doing them dishes, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The car stuff. But you'll put gas in the car for me and you'll make sure that that stuff's maintained and blah blah blah. And I think I grew up with that too because the European way is very similar. My mother and my stepmother both cooked for the husband. Your dad? Oh, my dad demands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah. No, that was just because he was a fucking maniac. But, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But just to be clear, I don't do your laundry either. No. Our housekeeper does. And here's the thing. And I don't, I don't fold your fucking laundry, she does. So that's why I don't hate your-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I don't hate you, just so you know, because we outsource a lot of our shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's terrible. Well, my kids aren't gonna be like that. Ellis already knows how to do his homework. No, he's gonna know. He's gonna be like, hey bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have hemorrhoids on your anus by any chance?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so hold on, let me just get a clear picture, because, so for her to really make your butt bleed, she was really going in and out? Well it doesn't take much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you afraid at any time? Did you feel like you had to brown when she was doing that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're saying that you had diarrhea that day and then you allowed someone to finger your butthole, but wouldn't you, wouldn't that be kind of a sensitive area to begin with?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go for Middle Easterners. Wow. Cause they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what's up, but I'm saying, yeah, like it's, it's not gay if you buttfuck a guy before you get married, you're practicing. Like that's their mentality, it's like, it's not even gay. Well that's true. That's what we fucking do, we buttfuck, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I feel like what he's saying is like, who enjoys being gay the most? And I would say, you know, white people really enjoy like, I'm fucking gay, and you better enjoy it, and let's parade, and let's, let's be white and gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you think, and I'm being in all seriousness, because the NFL, they make so much money, it's an entertainment property, and it's a family business, in a sense, like it's, you know, you have, it's an American institution, and you know, do you think they'd freak out and be like, but kids can't watch this, American families can't watch the gay guy on-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, speaking of fingering, on, on where my mom's at, we were discussing, uh, people getting fingered on the haunted mansion, or getting blowjobs on Pirates of the Caribbean. Right. And Josh has fucking finger-banged a lot of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, someone just gave me that when we were coming back from Hawaii. She's like, no, stupid. Yeah, same. Ocean. That's Hawaii. Yeah, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Texted us after they had left our house. They go, you want to know what's crazy? We saw his helicopter. Overhead.


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[Assistant] Kobe's been on the team, uh, yeaah. Like I feel like I've grown up.


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[Assistant] Exactly, you have. That guy. Yea, you have. He's the only reason I gave a shit about the Lakers, cause he was such an amazing player.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, I was in Target yesterday and first of all it was eerily empty.


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[Assistant] And, but the people that were there, people were all wearing his jerseys around the city, and it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been thinking about death a lot lately too, cause I'm 43 and now I'm like, oh, I'm over the middle hump, like, it's all downhill from here, and it could be... You know, I, you can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate it. It makes me not give a fuck in a good way. We are like, yeah, now I'm liberated. Cause we're like, it can go. It's all precious. It's all meaningful. Every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm still, I'm still depressed about Anthony Bourdain committing suicide. That one I felt, I felt really...


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[Assistant] It's horrible, I think everybody in LA is like mourning, I don't think. Right? It's just terrible. We all b- everybody's bummed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's not like he had some rinky dinky helicopter, you know, you think, oh well, cause the first thing I texted you when I saw it, I was like, fuck your helicopter flying lessons, you're never getting an helicopter ever again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she doesn't, she claims not to have said the actual word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoops. She said that she combined Knicks and Lakers, you know, when you jumble words and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this the helicopter crash site? Is this what people are looking at?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look how handsome and young and, you know, he's just such like a, such a force, such a positive dude too. It's like, really? That guy? That guy? Couldn't we take somebody else? There's so many other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and the hair doesn't have any lots of gel.


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[Assistant] Everyone's out to get him. Damn. This is, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're out to get him. It's not him doing stuff, it's they're out to get him.


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[Assistant] Drugs? What's going on here? Drugs.


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[Assistant] No. God. Well, good for her. She's in her own planet, man. She is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeans, uh, Valentine's weekend in Tampa, Florida, the Tampa Improv, then I do San Francisco, Pasadena, the Miami Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Dallas, Texas, Judor Titties at Carolines, Des Moines, Iowa at the Funny Bone, Fartniks, Arizona at Stand Up Live, Cleveland, Ohio at Hilarities, and San Antonio at the Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club tickets at Christina P on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also check out where my mom's at. And that's it. Tickets at Christina P online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got some tit cups. I'm trying to apply the first one here. It's hand pumped. I'm not as advanced as normal. This one's working. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Oh, you're gonna show me Norman? Well, I'm just gonna show you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This posture thing is really the ticket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could use another hand. Any takers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, I now have tits, so now- How is the sex work going? Uh, fantastically, actually. Tell me what's going on. Thank you to everyone who's purchased the sex work, uh, on Cameo. It's been a lot, I've got a lot of backlog too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is actually. It's helping me, uh, through COVID. And I think it's helping people through COVID as well. Right. It's a symbiotic relationship. Yeah. I've done, I've done sex work for people on the front lines. Uh, so I consider myself on the front lines right along with them. Wow. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've done, uh, sex work for doctors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so too, cause now I'll have tits to go with the shoulder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, and I feel like I've remissed in knowing this by, uh, not knowing this, but I think David's dead. No. His brother, his half-brother. His brother, okay, yes. David was the one that didn't have the stuff to make it in the ring. Alright, well, Jesus Christ, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my God, I wish I could be like him. And I mean, it's not, it's, I love that he loves wrestling so much that he.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, I mean, if you watch that documentary about him, he talks about when he goes home to be a dad, he would just like sit down and be like, when do I get to go back out on the road?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what I love the most. That's your favorite part. Yea dude, he's obsessed with what he does. He's obsessed with it. To the point where they had to drag him out of there. Like when he was an old man. But he loves it so much. Could you imagine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not being able to do what you love because you age out of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's, I mean, he was in it when he probably shouldn't have been in it. And competing. Yeah, like taking bumps and shit, like, I saw him in 2007, like, do his retirement match, which he came back from, like, five separate times, but he did his retirement match, and it was crazy to see an elderly man, like, get thrown off a fucking thing into a table and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he's throwing through a table right now. Like, yea, because how old is he?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the time, I mean, now he's like 80 maybe? He's 80? He's up there, dude. He's 70 something. He just recently got super ill. About a year ago. He looks good. He's fucking up there. But, I mean, that was 2007. That was, you know, he was 50 something. And then he wrestled, well, like five years beyond that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if I did that at soundchecks where like you just brought me on the road with you and I've been with you for like a couple years and I'm like, can I do soundcheck? And you're like, sure. And I just go, if I were a rich man or something like that, like, oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like musical theater? I mean, I know of musical theater productions. I don't, I wouldn't say I like seek it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sitting here shirtless with tit cups and I'm gonna tell you right now that that's less gay than Springsteen. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out of the three terrible things- Well Springsteen I hate, so you can't even-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I followed it better, I couldn't tell you names and stuff like that, but if a race is on and I can catch it, I'll watch it for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll watch fuckin' drag races, I'll watch fuckin', uh, yeah, NHRA stuff, I'll watch fuckin' dirt track racing. You will? Yeah, and I don't know anything about cars, but I just like- You like races? Yeah. That's interesting. And I just like, uh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't, I've watched part of it, I haven't watched the whole thing yet. I think that it's so good. It's fucking fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's great, yeaah. It's just fun. They should do one for NASCAR to be quite honest. Yeaah. Yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's not to, it's not fucking Hicks running moonshine and shitty cars anymore. I mean these things are fucking jets that they're flying and they're fucking, you know, MIT graduates on the other side of the wall like doing wind tunnel testing and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. Sure, the people in the crowd are like fucking Joe Exotic or whatever, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's literally, uh, a wing of a jet that you're flying essentially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. I would take, out of those three, I would take Wicked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or I watch cats. Yeah. Fuck cats. I'm taking the murder. Whoa. Am I out four?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like pain or needles, so it would, it would suck actually, come to think of it, but uhm, cats is so long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's like what's, how fast do they sting me? All at once? Or like, do I have to wait?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, I think that's, I'd rather pass out from excruciating pain than sit through a long cat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, how can people pretend that he's normal? That's what I don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not, I mean, I feel like someone's dead in my family, uh, not doing stand-up. Do you feel like you're a former stand-up? Every day, yes. I really, like, I do. Yea. I don't even remember, I feel like I'm gonna be, am I gonna be that lady who panics at the wedding when I get on stage?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had dreams like that where you don't know what joke's next and like, you get through one and you're like, well that bombed and then you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, guys, and then she, I like how she gets really indignant, like she's like, they're making a joke about it! It's not a joke, it's real! Yeah, cause they're all having, they're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, I don't know, I mean god, I would fucking do just about anything to do a set. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fine. I'll just, I'll say fucking, I'll just curse the skies, but I'll do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I would fucking eat Nadav's turd for, I said I'd eat my own shit for $20,000 before. That's, I swear to God, I will take my fucking turd out of my body and do it right now. Yeah, first to get it, if you just told me right now that like, it's over. Okay, how about this one? If you told me, me eating Nadav's turd means it's over, you got all your dates back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I-I can't even like, it's just doing- not doing it is making me feel really weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sitting here shirtless putting teacups on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just for an outlet, so I can get out of my house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it was more than that, I mean I- I uprooted my life many a time for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without question. You let Bert fuck you. Yeah. I would totally let Bert fuck me to get on stage again. What? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nothing that I wouldn't do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I, I would let Bert fuck me for stage time, that's all I'm saying. Just, if you let me open for him a couple times. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, but I wouldn't be able to keep up, I don't think. Yeah, but you can still chill. I would be alright, but I don't, uh, I don't know if I'd party enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, but maybe he likes it. I don't know. I think he likes it, uh, just a company. You're not easy to be around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll do all the drugs and stuff. I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not about stage time, it's about just doing it again. Is there a boundary for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you meant, if it meant that this was over, I would do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it was over- Sorry, it was four. It was four, yeah. Uh oh. The fifth one was maybe if the- if the four brothers father came in. But that would be for fun. It wouldn't be for the care. It's only four dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not gonna, I mean, the more gross you make it doesn't change the fact that I'm willing to do it. You know what I mean? Like, he's unbreakable. Start. Stop. You can't get him to stop. There's nothing. I would do bad things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get on stage, I would fucking do it, but I would be changed. I would be a different person. I would be very angry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would put up with it, but I would fucking, you would see a different me. I would be different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would if, it might not, you know, it could be the old catch 22, like if I did take that, the devil's deal, and do that, it might ruin my stand. Whatever, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So fucking much that he first he takes stand-up away with the virus and then he gives it back But he curses me with my mother being here like why does God hate me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say that a lot, and then I would be like, what's the, like I would ask myself, what's worse? Or what's the worst of the two evils? And I'd probably end up deciding to kill myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you do the set-ups and then she pops off stage and she's like, hello! Like, you know. Well here's the thing, I couldn't even imagine my mother who has seen my stand-up not, like, retaining it enough to do that. Yeaah. Do you know what I mean? Cause most of the time it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that was, that was something else. Something else, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About women? For stand up. For stand up? Oh my god. Well, she's given me some notes, uh, in the past. She goes, you should, uh, email Ellen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yes, it's on my cameo, cameo.com slash josh underscore potter. I'm also on Twitch, not doing sex work, just playing video games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, between the cameos and the twitch, uhm, they're helping me out, but it doesn't feel the same, you know what I mean? Of course. Sex work takes a piece of you each time you do it. You know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too. I hope I can do comedy again. So I can retire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did it just to try out the calls and it was on. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to be fair, it is the Your Moms House community. No, no, no. I mean, that's why it's so fun. You have great listeners, great viewers, and when you actually get to reach out and touch them, it's extra good. It's awesome. Yeah, it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now before we go to that, what was really special was the first five callers were about any.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'd rather be around the guy like Annie than the guy who's worrying about his shit and doing it three times a day and upset if he only does it twice. I don't sign off on that. Annie's a gladiator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I immediately get sad and turn away. Immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Promise me, promise me you will not share any TikToks pre-nudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. That's my favorite TikTok ever. It's pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. The feelings I have is I like extraordinary people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are taking, what's the matter Tom? You're so disrespectful. Come on Tom. That's good. That they, uh, are taking testosterone that I find fascinating. Yeah. And, and then that they get a period once in a while is fascinating too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Cause he's an advocate. I agree with Joe's position on it. Which is? Which is that there's good evidence to be on at least restorative. How old are you? You're a little young for it, I would say. But at some point to go on it to me makes sense. I would go on it if I didn't have prostate cancer. I would absolutely do it. And I saw Joe talking about it and I thought, yeah, that's about right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really can't. It really can't. When you have it, it can bring it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, it could create testosterone when you worry about your vascular health. Like it could cause some, mm, the intimal lining of the arteries may be affected by it. It can cause hypertension. It can affect your liver a little bit. It can affect your kidneys a little bit. But if you really get the right dose, like you're just restoring a more youthful dose, I don't see where that's at. It's when you take too much that it's a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, by the way, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to Caroline's in New York in a couple weeks. Yeah, you are. Yeah, her and Shirley, yeah. Yep. It's in a couple weeks, right? Yeah. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty great. What am I doing on this platform? Cause I immediately feel bad. You guys feel glee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, because there's something infectious about you guys, and uh, it's legitimately your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next morning you have a flurry of texts from your husband. I was like, yo man, Fet Smoker died. No, he said, I think it's, he's gone, I think he's in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a few years. No, I don't know about that. But I do remember when I first came on this particular pod and I was mystified and upset. Yeaah. I don't experience that anymore. Watch, in a year he's going to be like, you want to see a handicap girl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Thank you for saving it. Sure. Which is? With something we shared on After Dark. I'd like to know, Christina, because it gives her such glian joy. Let's reframe it. What is it that so?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I eat vegan food, every time I get horrific problems. I mean, it's something about the proteins or the spicing or something. I'm sensitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And, uh, and it came, uh, and it always comes with horrible gas and bloating and I thought, oh god, here it is, you know, I'm on the plane. Jesus, what am I going to do? I'm on a plane and this here it comes. And I thought, oh, just let, let a little bit go, right? A little bit. And I thought, okay, I feel better, I feel better, I feel better. And then I'm like reading my stuff and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The good news was it wasn't beyond what a normal gaseous expulsion would have been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, as I'm sitting there thinking that it had soaked through the pants to the underwear, I thought, oh shit, it's going the other way. I betcha. Still not convinced, by the way. I just needed to check. How is this possible without any awareness that there had been anything released?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, went to the bathroom there, and lo and behold, there was a mess. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm convinced that everybody's wondering what the F is going on. Like, this is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, yeaah, I think, cause I couldn't, I couldn't manage. You put your wet chocolate dye dye back on. I had it sort of like, I had it sort of under control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to the airport, now I'm undressing in the, in the stall at the airport. Now I'm like, okay, the guy gotta take care of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The underwear, throwing them out, washing in the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, didn't have it in carry-on, had another flight to catch, so there was no going to the store or anything. So I just made it the rest of the way. Thankfully the pants were not that affected. Not that they were perfect, but they were not that affected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, are you also like, oh wow. Which I did. Now you sat on the toilet. I took care of that, yeaah. Yeaah, okay. And there was. And there was. Quite a bit. But now, I have another conundrum. Like, holy crap, I can't trust my asshole. Yeaah. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It betrayed me badly. And so nothing can be released, but the question can I control it now is in my head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird when it's that liquidy. Your anal sphincter is not designed for that. Not at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was definitely decided we had committed to no farting. That was not going to be allowed. But now I had a doubt, would that be enough? Would that actually control it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's the aggression, right? We're aggressive. And it's testosterone making us aggressive. And women, there are women that will push the limits. There are, of course, of course. But not, this will never be seen from a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I'm wondering what this is. Um, a little flavor of drug addicts, a little bouquet of addicts in there. Yes, go ahead. Definitely personality stuff, but I can't quite figure out what that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Many a man have dismissed that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These things have profound meaning to me, right? Yeaah. I know they're not isolated phenomenon. Yeaah. It's not, oh, she just cans her stool. Yeaah. She, she, or jars her stool. I like a jar. Pickles her stool. Amazing jar. Amazing jar, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not just how long ago, but how much work she has done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In other words, like, like I've got a friend, Jenny Ketchum, right? She, when I first treated her, she was a sex, you know. Penny, is this Penny? Penny Flame, yea. Yea, I remember her. And now she's this glorious clinician and a medical social worker in Seattle and stuff. Wonderful. Wrote another book, I mean, she's amazing. Good for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I would go, ah, let's, let's, let's see what, you know, what's up. Uh, but it's like, uh, you know, I've given this up. I've been, you know, I mean, I, you know, last week, yeah, I still make good money doing it, but I don't know. I'm thinking better of it. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Curious, I just thought that would be fun. There's a gigantic distance between the person dolls and the jellied stool. The jarring of the stool. That's a big difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Intoxicated by testosterone, no experience, helpless. Men are helpless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's Turner's syndrome? It's XO as opposed to XX, uh, genetics. And they look like that. Turner's syndrome. Pull up Turner's syndrome! Get a picture. See it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so what's causing that, Dr. Drew? Chromosomal abnormalities. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I don't know, he may have a trance, but I don't know what, but look, look, this intrigued me when we watched this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but there's still a remnant issue with the TikToks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when she says that, or they say that, uh oh. What is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, face tattoos are not good for employment? Is that what you're saying? I guess. So this guy we've played a number of times. Yes, I've seen it. Oh, you have, okay. So this is an update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is after laser removal? Oh yea, a few. Well you can see it on the chin there, it's a little bit removed. Uh huh. Yea, you can barely tell it's there now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know something like 10 or 20% of the world doesn't have a sense of humor. Like they literally lack humor. Yeah, and I wonder if women are more disposed to that. I don't know the answer to that, but I imagine


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wonder if we just pull the camera up a little bit. I think I can describe pretty well what we might see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, they don't, I don't think they really understand what they're getting into. They definitely don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many people I want to do home visits on now. This guy? He's another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to see an N-word guy too. Where he lives. Them and their natural habitat is fascinating to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm there that week, before she goes. I think I'm, before? Yes, earlier in the week. I know I have to go to some, I know I have to go to Pennsylvania before that. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I just want him to have a nice time, a nice meal per se.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Robert. Would you think, does he know you? I mean, if you showed up, would he, uh, get it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, I wanna see where this goes. Oh, it goes to a cool place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I thought there was something more of a neurological nature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. That's traumatic brain injury we're looking at. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't really know that what's coming out of him is coming out of him the way it is. Oh, so he doesn't know he's being so aggro to everybody? Not quite. I mean, he knows he's upset, but he has no impulse control, right? His frontal lobe kind of not working right. And so it all just comes spilling out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, and you know, people gain a lot of weight sometimes after head injuries like that and stuff. And the fact that he can't walk tells you something's going on. Oh, wait a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did kind of kick your foot. Yea, but he might be like a taxic or something when he gets up, you know, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think he probably has some speech trouble with the injury too. So, I'm guessing. Yeaah. That there's some problem with the fluidity of his speech.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry to bum your high, ooh. Uh-oh. The power of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, um, fencycloidine, it's sort of a, it's, it's related to kind of ketamine-y kind of stuff and, and, uh, DXM and cough syrups and stuff like that is sort of in that zone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, where they actually get it from, I'm sure. Yes, all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It will be cut with that stuff for sure. It is cut with that. Yeah, but it's from a plant. It's not just the coca plant. Which I would... You can make it pure cocaine. We can send him down to Clubby or something. That's what I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know what the cartel is doing now? Oh, now Tom's in. I'm going to give him his solution.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, in the many, many insane laws we have now in California, the latest genius is you cannot prosecute a child 12 or under. So the cartel's got wind of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're going on gaming sites. And they're using 8 to 12 year olds as their mules right now. By the hundreds. And they have actually caught a hundred of them in San Diego. Can't prosecute them. They go right back to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brilliant. So you're on. You're in. You gotta get on Mixer or something or Twitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meth. Uh, one time, probably PCP. Oh. Over long periods of time, meth is worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because amphetamine is just amphetamine. People have been taking amphetamine forever, right? You can take one, you get sped up, and you're okay. It's the chronic exposure that causes all the difficulty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, the hallucinogens, when I see real problems with hallucinogens is when people get up around 10, 20 exposures. Or one large one. Did you have a large injection?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well funny you would ask, there's data now, that I'm not sure I believe this before, but the data looks pretty convincing now, that you can induce psychosis. Oh fuck. Right? And, and so you're not just a psychedelic experience, but a psychotic experience. And this is the really interesting thing, there was a really good study that came out recently that showed,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, meth can induce psychosis too, right? No, I did not know that. Well, that's, like, fed smokers was essentially psychotic when he was running around, he was paranoid, he was usually agitated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So meth always goes to a delusional psychosis. Okay. And a very specific kind too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we always, you know, in my discipline, you know, we know that meth causes psychosis and we always wonder what percentage of those psychoses become chronic problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of, I didn't say 25% of people get psychosis, I said of those who get psychosis, a quarter stay that way. So it's a small number that get psychosis. But that was surprising to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fine with it, but that person's fine with it. They'll have trouble trying to stop if they do it all the time, right? There's a withdrawal with that, but a lot of people are okay with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and the question always was, was this a guy who was just gonna be schizophrenic anyway and just came out earlier? Doesn't look like that. It looks like it really causes it in some people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. That's why all these things frighten me. And when people talk about using them therapeutically and stuff, I'm very into the research. I think it's a great idea, but it scares me because I've seen bad stuff happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, I mean, again, I've talked to people that are, there are practitioners that get really good results with it, and there are other people that just go on these random trips down in other parts of the world. And, uh, generally what I see is either a bad trip, a nothing trip,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or really, really good trip. So about 30, 30, 30% of the time, like people are having a 30% of the time they're having a really positive experience. Unless they're in a guided environment where somebody really knows what they're doing, then it tends to be pretty positive. But I've also, from that, I had lots of patients who would run down to get Ibogaine and things like that to try to deal with their opiate addiction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might be better to go with one of these, these, there's people out there that kind of, it's kind of a, it's a underground community, but there are people that kind of know what they're doing with this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, they all worry, they all scare me. I've seen long-term consequences, so let me say it, you know, put the disclaimer out there, we don't have the science yet, but there are a lot of people that swear by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, one of the, um, trends we see when states legalize cannabis, the first thing that happens is emergency room visits for dogs goes up crazy. The dogs get into that stuff and they have seizures and they're a mess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I imagine it's not a great thing. Yea, it's probably not good for you. No, probably not. No. That's just generally what I say about most things on this show. Yea, probably not. Probably not a good idea. Probably not okay. Probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you try Quailuz? No, but that would be a good one for you guys. That's pretty harmless. Really? What does it do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just helping them relax. They're uptight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus, you guys are weird. Yeah, it's essentially acid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's, he's, he's twisty in his movements. It's called choreomathetoid. Yeaah. And that's cerebral palsy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Alright. I had a question for Drew. This is getting funny. Oh, may I ask you this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a great question. I don't know what the law is around that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You forget how those- you're not- I remember that. I remember when- You're not old enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of those, a lot of those films involve the devil. And the devil possessing somebody or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, she was, uh, is similarly rebellious to herself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. I'm very retarded. I want to be Christina's father.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever you say, honey. But let's get in there, Tom. This beats per se. Okay, this is the new thing. Yeah, this is the new thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He sounds like a fascinating person. He sounds like the most interesting man in the world. He is. He is that. Yeah, and whatever your stuff is with him that interests me more, because that's the stuff I'm interested in, right, as a clinician. Oh my god. And so, I just fascinate it. I think it'd be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we'll have to hunt him down. A little marathon session, a little bit of an ambush, a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. He's gotta consent to everything. Oh, he wouldn't. Then we can't do it. Well, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should try to do this. It's not going to be fun. It's going to be epic. Yeah. It's A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I promise you, we will come out better than we started out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we've got the perfect hook to motivate you to go. The hook? The pay per view.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm not going to force anybody to do anything. He's got to consent to it. He's got to be into it. And uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he would love hot chicks. Why don't we just promise take him to a strip joint afterward? No. No?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll tweet it out. We'll tweet it out on Twitter. You call in and boom you're in. You're in. I'm so excited for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We started with mostly any questions, and then we did a lot of brown, and then we did a lot of penis, uh, but we're looking for relationship questions now, and we figure we need a little more female, the female callers. And we want to get into, you know, interpersonal stuff too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me just, I want to say again, I think I've said it before, I want to say it again, it's such, I'm so delighted to be working with you guys and have the opportunity to be on the Your Moms House platform and to participate with this audience who is amazing, you've got these amazing, I mean people have run up to me in places, I'm such a fan of Your Moms House and they're always,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else, is there more? Please. I'm not doing anything, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna just get the fuck out. I'm a believer in the Lord, I'm the Lord's child, I promise you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I forget I have a uterus. And because of that sometimes I forget to take my testosterone. And when I forget to take my testosterone, I go take a poo-poop, and there's blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, oh no, but it's, it's just a period.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saka Souffle? Chocolate Souffle. A Chocolate Souffle. Yeah, isn't that the best? It takes- I mean, Saka Souffle? Saka Sou-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See some major, major results. But sometimes certain lighting makes it look darker and certain lighting makes it look brighter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the past, because of drugs and alcohol. It's part of life. At least I'm omitting I made mistakes. At least I'm owning up to my mistakes. I'm trying to fix myself now. Cause this weekend I turned 36. I gotta have a straight life. So I can be more independent, more better off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love y'all, I'm sending prayers your way, thinking about you, keep your chin up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Shady Ray's unbelievable company and I mean that. This has got to be my favorite product.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we endorse. I have a bunch of their shades. Everyone knows that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shades, you end up paying way too much for in stores. Designer shades, they just, they charge you so much. And Shady Raids has super high quality, uhm, products, all types of designs, and you're paying a fraction of the price. Most of their sunglasses are $48.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most incredible warranty, they replace lost, stolen, broken sunglasses, no question that. It doesn't matter if they fell off, you are riding your bike, you are out on a boat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're on a hike, they broke, replaced. Who does that? And, every single time you buy sunglasses, 10 meals to fight hunger in America with every order, who does that? Shady Ray. So,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, exclusively for our listeners, they give us the best deal they have to offer. A Black Friday level deal. Use the code HOUSE for 50% off. Two or more pairs at ShadyRays.com. Buy one, get one free. You get two pairs of shades for $48. Redeem only at ShadyRays.com where you can find all their newest and best shades.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Satva, our all-time favorite mattress makers. They are online only. They pass on to you those incredible savings from not having to have a storefront. There is a incredible customer service. These guys have mattress takeaway service, white glove delivery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's incredible. It's the best. You can control your size, sit up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can lean back. They have a zero gravity setting where your legs go up in the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's unbelievable. Go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash Y-M-H and start with a two hundred and twenty five dollar credit towards your purchase Saatva. We are all in with them. Thank you, Saatva.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. Uhm, shout out to RPC. Uhm, a lot of people, by the way, I'll admit that I didn't, I didn't read the room exactly correctly. A lot of people have been messaging me that, uh, his intense orgasms can be too much at times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, I have headphones in or I'm driving in my car and it's just minutes of a guy having intense orgasms and it's a bit much. And I'm like, isn't that the best part of the show? And they're like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really was an eye-opener. I mean, cause the last few episodes, we were like heavy with RPC's OnlyFans and I was like, do you guys just want to watch them come for an hour? And people were like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, his performance, he's a real performer, you know, for a long time he was saying porno actor in his bio, like on his accounts, and I thought, oh, that's kind of funny, but he really performs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he really, really dials it up. You know, it's a, it's a, it's a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can try it tonight. You guys are horny. You guys are horny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His orgasms last. I mean, I don't know how long, but he, he starts making those sounds on the buildup and also the come down. And then the most impressive thing is he like, it's over and you're like, like most people are going, uh, really? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knows what you're watching for. He knows why you signed up. I appreciate that. I appreciate that like the same way, you know, if you're, if you are looking at a porn person's, uh, page, like you're there for a reason, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well first of all, let me just tell you what a compelling story you just told.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a Sunday Times kind of edition story. That is really something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We really got, you know what, we have. We have one. No, we have a Tushy sponsor. We should get a Tushy in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, her. Sure, her. Whatever that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You tell her this is about to, this is kind of a do or die moment in your life right now. The beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then if she's like, yeah, definitely. I'm like, oh, okay. So I'm going to walk into the other room and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I see you again, you gotta knock this fuck shit off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, go get some laser treatment done. Yeah. Yeah. Or don't, or don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get an RV and move outside somewhere. With your family. Are you kidding me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I know we always celebrate people who go, like we always raise people up who go, I don't care what people think. But then don't you think at a certain point you go, you should care a little bit. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to deal with every time you walk into a store, a restaurant, anywhere that people are going to be like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What they think of me. Or they could never look at you like that again. If you just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like she keeps going to this whole thing of like, I, it was, you know, like normal stuff. I was weirded out by it or, oh no, and then now she's like, ugh, that was such a silly way of thinking. No it wasn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, of course, there are, I mean, they're not like, men you'd respect, but there's, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what would you guys do if your lady had that way? Would you say something? Or just kind of roll with it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so like you're dating her, and then after like, I don't know, a year and a half, she's like, oh my beard's coming in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like she said it happened when she was 20. So let's say you're dating someone who's 28 and then they're like, Oh my God, my beard just came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then they're like, I mean, I guess it's just who I am. I always wanted to go tea. My brother used to always talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No chance. No chance. No. Would you offer to pay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not cheap. It's not cheap. But if you really like, let's say you really like her, and then it comes in, you'd still be like, we have to address this. I got the rona. It needs to go. It needs to go. It's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those ones right there, the next one over, the leather, those look like, I don't know, just like a bacteria haven or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, I got, I went and saw Dr. Dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yesterday fingered my asshole hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fingered it hard. And I gotta tell you, I really now think anything is possible with lube. But you can do anything with lube. Because he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's giving me the physical and, you know, checking everything. I, uh, I grabbed him when they check your, you know, they do this thing here. I was like, Hey, I got fucking tickled. He's like, relax. And then he goes, I go, Hey, and I grabbed it. It just made me, it made me jump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. And I was super jumpy with it. And then he's like, alright, drop your shorts. And he's, you know, he's playing with my balls. I mean, he's not playing with them. You know, he's checking them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you think that that's the worst of it. And then once he's in, he goes, like jams to, I guess, to check your prostate. I can't even tell what's happening. I'm just grimacing. I'm like, ah, ah, and I'm, I'm probably being overly dramatic. You know, I'm like, ah, come on. And he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can feel him just jamming it in harder, harder, harder, and then I come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, and then he pulls it out and I'm like, oh my god. And he goes, hold on, I gotta check for blood. And then I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just waiting and he goes, all right, no blood. I'm like, okay. And he goes, all right, when you turn around, there's some tissues here and then there's a waste basket under the sink. So wipe up and throw them in that waste basket. I go, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not a, it's not a pleasurable thing. He jams his finger in there and then he just like, like basically slams against your prostate to see what's going on. It's horrible. Horrible. Uh, he also was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody knows it's a fucking orgasm for a woman to give birth. It's nothing but clit stimulation for hours. It's true. It's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then uhm, dude, cause I'm 41. He goes, alright, you need to check everything. I have fucking 15 appointments next week. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's just like, you gotta have your ultrasounds, you gotta do that. What ultrasounds for your neck? Yeah, but then go to your cardiologist and have this like really intense stress test done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then go in there for a checkup with him, then go to the dermatologist, he's like do a full body, like all these things where you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? He's like, because you're 41, you could die tomorrow. And you're like, alright. It's so true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, we're gonna run all the- I go, run whatever you want, man. And then, urine test, and then he wants me to go to an orthopedist. For what? On my shoulder. Oh, yeah. Then he wants me to go- it's just a lot of shit, man. A lot of appointments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, by the way, Eni, I just want you to know, I'm gonna buy you lunch today, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and buy him lunch. Yeah, that's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy. It's a good message, I like. What's up, white people? People have to make...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Change on their level. And this is the difference that he's choosing to make. And uh, you know. Hey, it's nice. Not like it's a mean thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I like to walk into like an all-black store and be like, guys? Uh, guys? And have everybody just be like, do you guys want lunch? And they're like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That black communities have had it rough. Uh, we will not be offering you any discounts, but we see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] John Deere recognizes that black Americans like tractors too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is pretty hilarious to watch corporations get involved with uh, social issues. I wish they would just not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's one of the things that they've been pointing out, is the lack of, uh, black representation. Well, in a lot of places, but in, uhm, corporate America, you know? Like, there's something with Adidas and Nike, how...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Nike has one black board member. Adidas has none. Adidas also has no, like, top executives that are black. So, all the black employees at Adidas were like, uhm, you keep, you know, saying all this shit and you mark it to us, but you don't have any...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course they did. Because I need to feel safe. And they made some real nice posts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We care about you. Here's a new shoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, yeah, corporate America, man. They're really, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we have it here. Why don't you play that one? This thing is so cringy. How embarrassing. So cringy. Oh my gosh. I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What it is too, this is the difference between comedians and actors. It really is. Actors are like, man, they just, they're so intense, they so intensely feel everything. This thing is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to thank our sponsor, Whoop, as you can tell. Big all in on Whoop. I am obsessed. Gene has hers on too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect man, they have different colored straps, but this thing is the fitness wearable that provides personalized insights and you've heard us talk about it. We could not be more obsessed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he kinda talks about it the way that a teenage boy talks about it before he's had sex, where it's like all he thinks about and he's so excited. You know? It almost feels like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very thoughtful. By the way, I think he is actually an attentive lover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think he actually does it much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of, uh, different races, I got burned the other day, I got sunburned. Uhm, I was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we had our masks on, we were protecting our immune systems, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My buddy came over with mitts, so we were doing like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, whatever. Workin' the myths in the backyard. It was hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was so hot from, from like boxing and fuck it and wrestling that I go, you know, I just want to cool off. So we jump in the pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's done the hoes off. So gross. And they have sex. Yeah. Oh, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't been sunburned in years now. Cause I'm always paranoid. I'm always paranoid. I didn't have a really, really bad burn, but you could, you know, if I had stayed out there another 20 minutes, it would have been...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You realize that none of this would ever, ever come up if six years prior she'd just been like, oh, we're just done with that. We're done. Anyway, what do you guys want to do? You want to go outside? Yeah, it's over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then also like what kid is talking like that about their mom's breasts?