[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just happy that he has another guy to play with. Like he's like the keyboard the other guy does, guitar or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guitar guy sold it to these porn people, and the other guy doesn't know yet. And he sits him down and he goes, hey man, I actually got someone to license our music. To feature film. What? Dude, that's fucking awesome. Like I told you, all this time it's gonna pay off. Like we've been getting together, we've been getting serious about our music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now you're telling me someone wants it in a movie? Yea man, somebody wants it in their movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, I just got a little clip of it. You can hear what we did in a movie now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That's the theme to Dig Detectives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is come up, even if they don't verify, they take a stance on what it looks like. The game still works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, something like that. Crayons? Or write down features, like we go, it hangs to the left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It smells weird. It's green.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, the fact that he did a real walk up, you know, standing intro for this, like a television guy would. And he had the bottle out of frame. This guy's really committed to his dad boner passions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what these guys do. They dig at old dump sites for things like bottles. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and they're dig- like they're digging in the woods where people dumped bottles 200 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You found a bodily fuckin' trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now for the record, this was for you, playing this over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They live in some awful place, you know. Like you say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hobby wise, I have for many years expressed my interest in aviation and I've taken a flying lesson. I don't think my eyes can roll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Proposal is that we come up with a formula


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where a certain amount of blow jobs will equal not getting a pilot's license.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's a, okay, to receive a private pilot license, the FAA requires student pilots have a minimum of 40 hours of flight time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see. So I think we should do something, like some trade off for,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many blowjobs can you do in an hour? Probably like five. An hour!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I'm saying how many could you do? To other people? Like you and? No, no. I'm saying 40 hours are required. So if you were gonna do 40 hours of blowjobs, you could probably give out, you know, 200 blowjobs. I think you should be about 200 blowjobs. But they need to be, you know, obviously,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To completion, obviously facials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're crushing a dream with these blo- so it's gotta like, you know, fulfill-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. How many blowjobs do you think you could give to like a whole group of people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I'm saying. Blowjobs that you give.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think it would be different if I was like, you know, wasn't close to you, like if I was just like your friend, and you're like, I don't want you to fly, and you're like, what if I give you blowjobs? It's like, that's pretty strange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but then like how, which blowjobs are like life blowjobs and which are pilot blowjobs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying that the number's gonna have to be much higher because there'd be blowjobs anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not getting greedy, I'm being honest. Do you understand what I'm actually trying to say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So these are going to be blow jobs I'm getting in 20 years for the pilot's license?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I think, uhm, I have a really good proposal for you. No negotiating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was not, Your Honor, that's not part of the negotiation. We're talking about flying only. Cars are now part of the equation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course you can. There's Molly, there's Percocets there. But you don't take drugs. You don't know if one of my DJ gigs is what I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dialogue is open, uhm, it cannot include cars of any kind. God, nobody wants to hear that nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I think as long as you're willing to do them, you're willing to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't see when there's no cum on my glasses, things like that, then, you know, I'm willing to negotiate with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our lessons for something that I just remembered. This is something I'm gonna ask you. Uhm, and I'm serious, I want you to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna ask you, if you have not yet, to write


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A review, 5 stars obviously, of our show on iTunes. And there's a reason that I'm asking you to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't know, a lot of, uh, on the business side of things, a lot of those people pay attention only to the iTunes charts and there's a misleading


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing about the iTunes charts in that people can rank highly on those iTunes charts who don't necessarily have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could be talking to, I dunno, I'm just making this up, like a book agent about a book and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the show's this or that, and then they go, okay, well, so and so did a book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're ranked 15th on the iTunes chart and that helped them with their book. You guys are 41st. But then I'll find out, even just talking to the person ranked whatever on the charts, that we have a bigger show. So if you're wondering, well then why do


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do they get ranked higher? One of the factors in the algorithm for iTunes podcast charts is reviews. And you'll notice that a lot of the consistently higher


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ranked shows have thousands of reviews and what I also found out is a lot of shows solicit those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, you know, I know that when we did our first probably 20 or 40 episodes, we asked you to do that. I'm gonna ask you to do it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean, obviously if you've done it, you've done it, but I'm gonna ask again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you've never listened, if you've never written a review and you have an iTunes account and you don't mind spending a moment writing a review of our show and you can make them as jeanserrific as you want, I think it would be beneficial to us. So that's what I'm asking you to do if it's not too much trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we could easily, I know how many people is in this show, we could easily get thousands of more reviews and that would in turn, it's an easy way to benefit the show. So that's my, my pitch on it and I hope you'll consider doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How exhausting that would be and how sick I would probably get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is blowing all of our fans who wrote an iTunes review. Yeaah. It's already- How sick-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, all these different dicks and smells and, and, and jizz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, it's just, it's not just downloads. Now, if you have like an incredible amount of downloads, like if you have tens of millions, like Joe or like, you know, a serial, yes, you'll stay at number one, two or three because you have the overwhelming downloads. But I'm telling you, there are people that have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A third of our downloads that are ranked higher than us. So I was like, that's not fair that the uh, it only matters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not an ego thing where I'm like, I just want to be ranked higher. It only matters when people start giving consideration to that as if it's a bigger show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when it matters. So anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's also this thing where they give benefits to also to new shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so that, and that was done, that's by design, to give a new show opportunity. A boost, yea. Yea, which, I mean, I understand that for sure. This is just, it's just too much fun, we're having too much fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is other level. Sixty sheep have been stolen from this poor man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Possible at night. It's a beautiful morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something about it's bright out. It's bright at night, the moon shines. Is it possible for anyone for liquor to drink it now? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he has some, they are not cool at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm probably somebody else to pick him up. But the other guy, oof. Shit. That was fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's your kid. You think he's a good ball worshiper? Or you think the god, the daughter is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So your big old tits were in, uh, uh, Brea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I got, kid. That's what's up, man. I got, check this shit out. This week I'm in Fallis, Texas on Thursday. There's two shows. The first one sold out. There's a late show in Dallas. And then, Houston, Houston, Texas, the rest of the weekend, uh, Thursday, or excuse me, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's a bunch of shows that have been added. They're all at TomSegura.com, but here's what just went on sale. Uh, Reno, Nevada. Tucson, Arizona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Pachanga Casino, that's in, uh, Temecula, and then, let's see, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Richmond, Virginia, Virginia, Virginia Beach, Virginia, um, Greensboro, North Carolina, Asheville, North Carolina goes on sale Friday, and Charleston, South Carolina goes on sale, or is on sale already. This Friday, additionally,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wilmington, Delaware, the Grand Opera House is going on sale. And Baltimore, coming to Baltimore July 29th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, those all go on sale as, as do Asheville at the Orange Peel on Friday. So, that's all. ThompsonGurr.com slash tour. Thanks, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the background, as a tornado is forming. Isn't that weird?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, you ruined all that for the audience right then by talking. No, because you fooled me. I went to the next clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear to god, it's the next clip, you're not even paying attention. God, it's the next clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's just a guy puking his brains out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the other guy's like, they lost their shingles now. Like he's totally not checked into his friend vomiting. I think it's a pretty good video. It's a good clip. But as usual, you're not, you're not here, you know. You're somewhere else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, this one doesn't have any vomit, I promise. How about this? Do you think it's annoying when people do up-speak? Yes. This is an up-speak video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so much up speak. If you don't know up speak, listen to this intonation as it goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such a gay lord. There's no need to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, that's probably just, do you think it's a lifetime of that building where you talk like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you prefer? Somebody with up-speak?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vocal fry you guys can hear if you're new to the show. People don't realize it's actually deliberate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think, you think that that's the way somebody speaks, it's not. It's always a forced thing. But it can be so much a pattern for you that you don't even think, but to go like that is actually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And again you usually hear it more with women, but we happen to have two examples of men doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The air filter inside your rides. If you don't feel like getting them replaced, just rub your finger along your crack and smell it and take a whiff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is worth to get done though, so your cars won't smell like the gays. Uh, feel better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Steve, in fartnicks, in parenthesis, don't assume my gender. Uhm, thank you Steve for that. Uh, and this is amazing here. We have, uh, a Zim sent in an email that says, hey mommy, buns and Tina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm here to give you some insight to the life of a frequent washcloth user. Oh my god, please! Not only do I use a washcloth in the shower, I happen to use three, yes, three washcloths. One for my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One for my body, and one very special washcloth for getting deep down into Brown Town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it sounds like a lot of laundry, but it's well worth it and I encourage my favorite mommies to give it a try. The beehole washcloth is usually used for my extra nasty king ass ripper browns that happen frequently. I don't have the luxury of a washlet,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After making spicy browns and screaming, big words on the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the best solution I've come up with so far. Any other solutions are welcomed and embraced. Keeping it high and tight. Never low and loose. Much love to my mommies. PS, use extra bleach in the wash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, uhm, you know, he has a dirty...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are, uhm, obviously hand to ass washers in this house and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For those of you who don't know, we're, you know, we're very much, um, endorsers of the hand ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also want to add to the blowjob negotiation that every time, right before you start, you have to say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you got any, he's like, mmm, tastes good. He does that too. Really nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100% I bet my father bunches up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm trying to get this phone call ready. I'm gonna try to call him. And ask him? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That might go a little thicker. Yea, you're crazy. If I was dig- if I was really like trying to dig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm saying on a dig wipe, but like on a regular, just like I'm wiping, this is fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and actually, and after that, a washlet one? Like a home one? Oh, it's definitely, uh... Well, it's different. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I don't do shit to showers. You know, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, don't have to say the whole number. Uhm, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, lemme ask you this, when you make, when you wipe for, uh, uh, kaka,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you fold the paper over or do you just bunch it up, like put it in a ball?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do fold it, but I told Christina, cause we were having, I go, I bet a thousand dollars that my dad bunches it up into a ball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you get in the bed? The bet. Oh yea yea. Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, do you ever, okay, how about this, do you ever, let's say you're traveling and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had a, uh, uh, you know, whatever. You didn't bring enough underwear. Do you ever fold your underwear inside out and wear the outside as your underwear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm saying, I'm saying in the scenario that you don't have enough, would you just fold your underwear inside out and wear that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how about this one? Let's say you have Kaka on the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's talk about, hold on, hold on, this is the last one, this is the last one. Is it okay, is it okay if


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, if you get caca on the inside of your underwear, is it okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna try to, I'm gonna get some more, yeaah. I'm gonna get some more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great, I'm very happy for you. That's great. I have, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, when you take a dump, do you fold the paper over or do you just bunch it up and wipe with it? He bunches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew it. You know that I knew it. We had a bet going and I knew it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's, I know what you mean. My problem with bunching is that like if I'm looking at paper, if I bunch, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you get some and you wipe with a bunch and you happen to look at it, you could release some of that paper and have it all spread out. It gets like real messy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so you puncture yourself a little bit with it? Like you actually push it in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's pretty good. I mean, we have a couple other scenarios we wanted to ask you about. Underwear. Do you feel like it's okay to wear underwear inside out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, do you feel like, uhm, this is a scenario. Let's say somebody has an accident in their underwear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about flipping them inside out if you have no other underwear? Is that acceptable or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You told me the other day that you farted and then you knew exactly what was coming. Remember that? You called me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really something. Uhm, that's cool man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Uhm, okay, well look, I, uh, can I give you a call back here in a few minutes? Do you mind? I'll give you a call? No. Okay, I'll call you back in a few. Alright, I love you. Bye bye. Well, there you go. That was definitely a buncher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember the, uh, the Nelson Mandela hockey player? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody said, uhm, let's see, I haven't read it yet, but this is the email. I was listening to the podcast. Toward the end, I hear a very familiar clip. The hockey player, Jonathan, I think it's Bernier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking about influential Mr. Mandela. How influential Mr. Mandela was to him playing hockey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then this video happened, he was so bad after that. Like so, so fucking bad. He's no longer playing for Toronto, he's back in California, playing for Anaheim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Playing really good again, I think this actually fucked with his head while he was here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love the show, mommies. Can't wait for both of you to come to do another show in Toronto. A live podcast maybe? Canadia would really like that. Love you, mommies. Nathan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that what you were saying, but it's something else. Right. That is my logic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, you know, I actually do, did I tell you, this is how much I actually empathize with it, even though I, you know, I made fun of him, whatever. When that clip started before the show, when I was making sure my clips were lined up, and he said the first line of like, he was a great player, I turned it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I thought like the calls of my parents were so funny. Let's like, drop it down a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I think about when I watch shit like this? He likes to fuck. This guy fucks day and night. Also, we need, there's a need for this type of human being on earth. And thank god that it just happened. Cause I look at it like, please, fill me with bullets right now. But there are people that are like, this is what I live for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is like sad music, it is like, uh, like a procedural, you're right, like a law and order. You know what it is? It's the moment where, uh, the person that you didn't think was a suspect, where they're putting together the, uh, putting together the evidence and they're like, then you came back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You saw that she was still in the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah man, that was kinda fun. You're right, that was fun. I don't know what I was thinking. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of these songs, god, I don't know which one you want to hear. There's so many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, I can't, so I shouldn't play We Both Got AIDS. Uhm, there's triple pipe montage, I think that sounds pretty fun. But oh no, that's, that's shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's called It's a Piece of Asphalt, Dude. And, uh, Canadian Denim Boner is another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that one's called Where's Your Water, uh, Gene. It's called Where's Your Water, Gene by Sladov. Very good. Thank you, Sladov. There's so many songs this week. I think we should play one during the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this one is really good here. Check this one out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it has the garth and the salad tossing the sign language lady together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pulling, I'm getting in my, changing my dye dye, you put your mouth down. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is Garth's salad by Dylan, uh, Gelbach. It's really good. Yeah. Very good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's more demanding than he puts on though. He's like, ah shucks, I'm just walking through live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about this gem that came in? Wasn't there a good song I wanted to play?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm saying is let's revisit the game, you know what I'm saying, and see if a retarded comic bring in more-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Paving the road for future comedians. I am retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go, can I have five dollars to go to the thing? You've been a big fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The mother of your baby with your retarded tits shooting retarded milk into him, giving him retard juice every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw Ink magazine release the 10 podcasts that make you smarter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe these two are the two smartest podcasters in the game, and I'm going to be smarter at the end of this one. Okay. So, let's start the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't record in, uhm, like equal stereo for the whole song. Like sometimes it dropped out of different sides, it's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you don't have a subscription, then you have more folds and there's a little more crevices and things to get into. I mean, I think every guy's been like, well, she was kind of seedy and then you run to the sink and you kind of, you know, you try to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think most guys have been like, well, that was stupid, and then you get in like, you do like a power scrub, and you think it's gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it the president of South Africa or somebody in South Africa on the AIDS commission was like, just shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he, uhm, he said, I mean, I think every guy had that thought, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what motherfuckers we're talking about right now, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry? You know, you know who you're talking about, you nasty motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that people didn't just do that for so long. In college, I stayed at a friend's house and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was like one, like, I don't know, spring break or something. I went to a college roommate's place and he was like, alright, here's a towel, like, you know, for you to, after you shower. It was at his parents' house. And then here's a wash rag. And I was like, a what? You know, a wash rag. And I was like, yeah, I don't know, what would I do with that? He was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To wash your body with? And I was like, uh, I dunno, I didn't grow up poor, I don't know what you're talking about right now. So, uh, yeah, we just put soap on our hands and rubbed it on our bodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, put that in your hole. Put that all up in your ground hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe yeaah, I mean I'm so, it's so far removed from like the washcloth. I gave it back to that dude, I was like, I don't need that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put your hand in, up inside your asshole. Inside it, yeaah. You scrape like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, there's dick cheese. I mean, that, I've seen, I've seen unsubscribed penises. Sure. In videos. Sure. Obviously I've never. Never licked one up close. No, you have probably, I'm sure, right? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, does that add a deterrent for you? I don't, I'm indifferent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't just let anybody. See, I don't think like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think like, whole, you know? That's what most guys think. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and guys are so much less forgiving, especially, especially unattractive guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean I remember like my, one of my, the ugliest...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fattest, most disgusting guys I know. Is like, has like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's gross kind of policy. Like girls have to be like a 10 to talk to him. I'm like, you're the most repulsive human being I know, but he like, you know, it's funny how many he'll find someone that is low self-esteem enough to go out with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy's a re- that's actually a better example. He's a real fucking animal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the founder, former head of, uh, Fox News who's accused of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was sexually harassing women for decades the whole time he was running that place.


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[Assistant] They're like, to an alarming degree though. I mean it's like, it's down to like the perfect, the beard lines are like, you know, with the laser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you should see, you definitely, someone pulled out their earbuds on that one. That's really gnarly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this just reminded me, I got an email from Blue Band, our producer. Said he got an alarming number of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Emails from people who didn't know the shows on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the YouTubes, and you can see us, and also, uh, the clips that we're playing are, you know, edited into the show, so you can watch along with us. Hi YouTubes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This I wanted to bring to your attention. You're not gonna believe this treat I have for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So one of the great finds ever of this show. Maybe it would be if they were saying, what are the top 10 discoveries?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But wouldn't you say in the top three would be his highness, lord of farts, King Asripper?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, he doesn't ever reach out and he's doing this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is really, I mean, it's such, it's, he's such a taunter, he's so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joe was real excited about it. But when we discovered this guy, uhm, you know, he did these fart compilation videos. He also has another side to him. He's not just about the farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he'll just end up feeding and getting fatter, burping. But the food thing is like a big thing. He's always like, I bought four of these, I bought five of these and he eats them all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's finally paid off because he's much bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This isn't about the farts. It's not a fart video, but I'm pulling up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want you to see his body, uh, like where he's at. In this old video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this was like your old favorite position.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I would, I would guess he's maybe in the somewhere between 175 and 195, somewhere in that range.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, here we, this is his, uh, there's his koi lay forward. Right? Stomach down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, I fart in yo face. Uhm, anyways, he, uhm, by the way, I just saw some, some video posted on YouTube, or on Google when you searched for him that said, what really happened to King Asripper?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he did actually respond in a way, because he posted a video, uhm, and the video said, dedicated to your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like that, I mean, it's, I don't know, it's like, uh, I feel like he's just one of those recluse authors, you know? Who's like, here's my new book, but I'm not doing any interviews about it. Catcher in the Rye guy, what was his name? Like that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're absolutely- I was looking up. Here, I have a thing-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Here's that woman you're looking for. Oh, there she is. Jerome David Salinger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exactly what you were thinking in there. And you thought that J.K. Rowling, the author of Harry Potter, also wrote Catcher in the Rye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, anyways, are you ready to see King Ass Ripper now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This must be at least, I think, five plus years from the video I just showed you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm saying the fetish people do it for money. You pay them so that they give you their treat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? He's like, he's not saying like donate or we're not getting this from a pay site. He's just doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This week, I'm in Titsburg, Pennsylvania at Carnegie Music Hall. Two shows Thursday. First one sold out. Second show has some tickets left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Friday, Juhaven, Connecticut. The John Lyman Center for the Performing Arts. One show. Still a few tickets left there. Saturday, Burlington, Vermont. I've never been to Vermont before. I have two shows. The late show is sold out, 10pm. The early show has a few tickets left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next week, uh, San Jose is sold out. Seattle has tickets left for the 10.30 show. That is Meat Rattle Washington at the Moore Theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Porkland Oregon is all sold out, but I added a show May 13th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The early show sold out, the late show has tickets, that's 10pm, Dallas, House of Blues. Then the rest of the week is at the Houston, Juustin Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom, I don't know where New Hampshire is at? And then I'm going to Mum Australia, uh, in August. I'm hitting Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne, and Perth. Those are all on sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, her gene, her genesty and I are doing the podcast live, one show only, August 23rd, in Best Balls Beach, Florida, at the Palm Beach Improv. Uhm, I will tell you this, if you are in Mum Australia, and it sounds really far out, that I will not be adding shows


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Sydney, I will not add a show in Perth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so if you don't get your tickets and you wait till then and it's too late,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reason I say those, there's a possibility if it goes sooner than later, it's not there yet, that I would add one in Melbourne. This is all like logistics related.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, and that's that. Adelaide, the whole reason I think I mentioned last week that I didn't add. It's all the promoter, you know, they put it together. I don't, I don't book it myself. They, they book it and they bring it to you. Anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't sleep on those tickets. It'll be too late. Especially that West Palm one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know that the full charge is coming with me. Shut the front door! Yea, I'm taking him with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking, that down under beef, it's got a new level of road beef, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you realize, uh, now you realize that this shit is so boring that that's what led to them being like, let's rap something to teach these kids. They try to make learning fun. They're like, why don't you sing a rap about it? Oh, it's the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I guess in a way it's better than the most boring shit ever, you know. Wait, did you say that Australians are mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did Sydney, uh, with Joe Rogaine once, and then I did Melbourne. Melbourne! I love Melbourne. I did a show, I did I think 11 shows, and every show was Moshe Kasher, Hannibal and I, the three of us, took turns rotating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if I get back and you're like, how was it? And I go, I just don't feel like telling you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The scale, the scale is a, it's a floating scale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm at a ten. I'm at a ten, I told you. Swear to God. Yes, I love you. Swear on our child's eyes. I do, I love you very much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it caused a lot of butt problems, but it was delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't try to wake you up by fart, no I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had big farts in me and I actually tried to make it come out quiet


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's not true. Why would you love me a lot more than you love me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not true. Yeah. Uhm, BurpChamp is Tommy Buns. Hi mommies! Oh shit!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's my concise argument for why T-Buns is the burp champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, for the purpose of making this argument more effective, I will leave the discussion of who is Fartchamp up to another observer. While Christina may believe he is, she is, is the birdchamp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because she has pitch and more frequency, it is obvious from listening that T-Buns shows restraint when podcasting and does not necessarily let his natural gassy talent show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This restraint is exercised in both frequency and volume of burpage. Also, T-Buns has clearly shown in the past that he can burp at will, which is something the truest


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. Anyways, I, I agree. You're just looking at you pounding Xevia, hoping it'll get you those burps. Not hoping, knowing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting excited about those burps. Uhm, speaking of excitement, check this out. We got a new dad boner. This is a B-52 bomber taking off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was about to say, I think that was our first, I think, non-American dad boner. Losing his fucking mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, you mean it's four actual deaths. The number four. The Beatles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always thought, you know, I heard that when I was a kid my uncle used to say I'm resting my eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Later, but I'm saying, like, are you sleeping? He's like, I'm resting my night. Cause I would see him on the couch just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so we were watching this, uh, the Great British Bake Off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really fun, and the two main hosts, I guess now it's changed, there's been this big controversy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was, the two judges, I should say, were Mary Berry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just, first of all, it's amazing. Mary Berry looks great. I think she's 82 or 83.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not Asian. Are you doing kidding me? Why is it- why is it Asian?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's too much. It's hard to, especially cause it's like cooking and eating and they're trying, you're like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mary Berry, I gotta tell my Big Daddy Kane story. Uhm, but Mary Berry, last night, all of a sudden out of nowhere,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She took a bite of somebody's dessert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So somebody made, I guess a really beautiful meringue cake and she took a bite and she goes, it's quite lovely but one question, where's the cum? And that's when we were like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they'll, she kinda, I think, I don't know if it's just the age, but she'll just kinda go in and out of like these really sexual reviews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause you don't know, is this an episode where she's gonna talk about com again? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, this breadstick reminds me of an orgy I was in, in France.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're like, oh, cause they are shaped like that, I guess. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It reminds me of a nice thick French cock. Where you're like, woah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if that doesn't get you to listen to the show, or to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would they change the name for us from the Great British Bake Off to the Great British Bake Off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make sure you put show in the show title so that they'll watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't had any Zevia. That just happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, uh, yes, Mary. Right, he kind of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There she goes with her sexual reviews. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, let me tell you, there's so much to cover. Uh, oh, I should tell this, right? Is this, let me see if I can do this or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, that's something I'm bringing up. So everybody, we uh, we asked, you guys answered, and uhm, we brought it out. So here it's, here it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we did a, we did a poll on the Facebook group. This was like five to one. It was crazy. So, uh, as always, it's, um, we thank you. Thanks for, uh, for, for supporting us, for making it a, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anyways, so there's that. So there's a couple things. First I want to tell them what happened with Big Daddy Kane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The 12 a few weeks ago, I did a couple shows at Royal Oak. Great time. Next day, fly to Chicago for a couple nights in Chicago. I'm at the airport. Who do I see? I don't know. Eight fucking people in front of me. Big Daddy Kane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm flying with Josh Elvis Weinstein. I always say it wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People say Weinstein for the same spelling and that's why I say it Weinstein. But then, and there's also the Weinstein company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Weinstein. So anyways, it's funny because I'll bring him up on stage and I'll be like, and as soon as I get to that, I'll have the double pause. How do I say this again? Such an easy thing to say. Anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I told him. So Josh Elvis Weinstein and I, um, and I go, shit, there's Kane and it's TSA and it's packed. And I go, should I yell it? And I'm like, I have a total pause where it'd be funny if I yelled it, but what if, I don't know, what if I can't get on this flight? Cause I yelled it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then by that time he's like gone through the security. I see him go through the, you know, the metal detector. I'm like, ah, I got a fucking nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I go through, he's long gone at this point. Like, what a fuckin' missed opportunity that is. I start walking to the gate, and now he's, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe 30 yards from me, coming out of a magazine store on the phone. And I do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He lowers his head, so he goes, and then I walk up, he goes, hold on a second. He goes, Thomas Gour, just yelling something at the airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then we had a nice chat and we were on the same flight. He was also going to Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was a real intimate thing. Uhm, no, but we had a nice conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was touring too, he had just done Detroit the night before, Chicago the next night, same exact routing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was just one of those things, and uhm, oh yeaah, we talked life, we talked about kids, we both have boys, and, you know, his is a little bit older, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just had a nice chat, you know, and we just kinda bullshitted for a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually want to revive, just because it's one of my most fun things ever. I want to revive the subcane shirt, but not with the old design, with a whole new design. My idea is to do, I want to do subcane merchandise for years. Just have it be a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, so that was cool though. I saw him and I got to yell at him and yell at him in person in a real world situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did, we did the uhm, the pizza, the paleo pizza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm excited for that shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you asked me to tell this story and it is 100% true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You haven't heard this. So, I'm in-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in, uh, Atlanta. Show up. Years ago. I'm in, uh, I'm doing, what's the little 70 seat club there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's attached to a bar. I do two shows on a Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lead out Fridays are. Brings out the riff raff too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the wild crowd. Wild crowd. It's late as fuck. I leave the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Showroom, I go into the bar area, and I'm going kinda like back and forth, you know, you're talking to people, you're just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's kind of dead in the bar area, and I noticed there's a lady sitting at the bar who's older.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 60 and she looks kind of weathered, worn, rough life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, got some droopy dogs on her, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mushies. And then she's, I kind of, you know, lose track of where she has come back. I noticed when I look back the second time, she has her hand up her own skirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she is what appears to be, uh, fingering herself at the bar. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell a guy, go, I think that lady's masturbating at the bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What an animal. She was so hammered. She was just beyond, almost incapacitated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's wrong with people? Yeah, somebody, I think a lady went up to her and was like, oh honey, you know, you shouldn't be doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if she was at my show. I think she might have just been at that bar all night, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying this wasn't the arcade location. This was just a bar club location.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does that really excuse it? I think so. I think it excuses it. I mean, it's not that it's like, well, there's no blame to go around. It's the reason why. I don't think sober she would have been fingering herself. I mean, what would you say to a lady that's fingering herself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what if somebody asks you, can you please, what would you say? What's the thing a woman says to another woman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying it's at someone's asking you not like you're doing it on your own. Hey, can you please help us? How would you address a woman as a woman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can't call them nuts as they're doing it. Yes we can. No, that's kinda, you're not, you don't know how to defuse a situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to, you have to be more sympathetic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sweetie is a good start. Sweetie, I don't know if you want to be doing that right now. Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, you need to take a little break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sweetie, sweetie, right now I think you lost track of where you are for a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told you I was at that one where the guy, uhm, was playing with his balls the whole time, you know? Yeah, he kept playing with his balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was just like, that is the best thing I've ever seen. I got so like, just ear to ear smiles with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see that? Yeah. I was like, this is the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've mentioned it before, for sure. I've mentioned it before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. No you haven't. Yes, the lady masturbating in Atlanta at the bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's another way you could diffuse it. Be more direct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is Pastor Manning. He's famous for that drop. Uh, what's wrong with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, he, he, he, he accused Starbucks of putting semen in their car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knows a lot about a lot of things. Uhm, so this is uh, Pastor Manning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking about Kellyanne Conway, who works in the White House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, this is what Pastor Manning thinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are some older guys. She's an older lady. Yeaah. I mean, you know, she's not old, but she's, uh, she's getting it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really funny. It's mean. Identical. It is. That's true. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, she, in a way, not exactly, but kind of, looks like that lady that was masturbating at the bar in Atlanta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I drank too much, and for that, I expressed nothing but regret.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As the alcohol which I have now quit drinking made me do things I wouldn't normally do. Including masturbating at the bar in public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, she is married, yea. She's married and she has, uh, many kids. Four or five kids. Four or five, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think her husband? I don't know. They had the financial release forms and they're well off. They do well. I'm not sure what he does. They have, I think, a bunch of property, a bunch of cash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Maybe she wasn't that well off. Well, well known, I should say at that point, you know? So, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to bring this up to you. Sure. So, this caught a lot of attention last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The vice president of the United States, Mike Pence, said that he doesn't have dinner with a woman one on one if his wife isn't present.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also won't drink alcohol at a function if his wife isn't present.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I didn't really expand on it, but it brought about a lot of conversation. People started, you know, discussing this. And I think some people overreacted, left and right about it. Like people were pretty extreme about it. But it brought, I mean, here's what people were saying, right? Some people were like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That just shows you that you must think that every woman is just, uh, like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no friend, and there's also, I think the more important thing in his, uhm, world would be, what if, you know, if you're not taking a woman out to dinner professionally, who might be able to get promoted because of, you know, she's in the running.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you will go out with a guy and have that dinner and maybe that guy gets the job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. So that brought about the conversation of what, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're, if you're, if you're excluding women from that dinner that, that maybe will lead to employment, you're kind of leading to women getting good jobs. Yea, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was thinking like, well, I would get, I've been uncomfortable having dinner professionally with women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, and it's not a policy thing and there's nothing salacious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, you know, there's female, uh, managers that run clubs. And you might come into town and there's like, you do the show, oh, you want to get dinner? You're like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes they are. No, it's been of course a non, it's never been, it's a non-issue. But I do sometimes, I'm like, this feels weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it feels like a real nerd policy to hear about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in a way, I kind of, you know, I kind of get, you know, he's, I think he's an extreme version. I mean, the alcohol thing's real. The alcohol, I don't know what's going on. That's some super Christian thing to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think of it to be like, if my wife's not around, I'm not even having a sip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got like a psycho smile, in my opinion. Fake. Yeah, he's crazy. He does this thing a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, the squint nod. Oh boy. And then the, the, um, the grimace, the expression that says like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's where I differ from him, if it was a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, an agent, if my agent were a woman, I'd definitely have dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If like, uh, I don't know, uh, a producer was like, I have this idea and it's a woman. No question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they'd be like, oh, well, this was like, no, I was just thinking we could just talk about it. I'd be like, mmm. She has to be there though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That the thing? Cause I can't, mommy's gotta be there for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The no fun marriage. The no fun spouse, yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah, those happen sometimes. That sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta pee? You want me to stop it? Please. Okay, one second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really something. It's really something. He, uh, that's the most excited I've ever heard anybody about a road. I think. Ever maybe, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Okay. Yeah. Jesus, man. You're a fucking... Oh. You think he's touched? I don't know. Something's definitely not right with him. Not at all. No, he's touched. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. So much fun. Yeah, that's the most disturbing dad boner of all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beyond weird. I have to say this just came in, so I want to add.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Breaking news, uh, these cities officially go on sale Friday this week, and this wasn't in my, uh, you know, lineup before. So here it is. Tucson, Arizona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tuxen, Arizona, June 9th. Rialto Theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Virginia Beach, Virginia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the funny bone was doing a one-nighter there. And, uh, Charleston, South Carolina. The Gaylord? Center? Gallard? I don't know what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] July 15th, Charleston, South Cackalacka. Uhm, there's a few other dates that they're not letting me really, you know, say that they're on sale yet. That's how it goes. They just tell you, don't say anything. So I can't say anything yet. Uhm, but there are a few others coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That will be on sale. They'll all be at TomSegura.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but this is, it's still a lot. It's all about volume when it comes, you know what I'm saying? Right. You can still say something that is, you know, of impact, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Mike will. Uhm, but now it's time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, I'm sure he didn't have time to edit everyone into this, but this is probably going to be a substantial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's got a lot of nice things, I'm sure. He's very successful. I mean, he's done real well for himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike Will made it. Let's see what his discography is here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did, let's see, is this some of the big singles he's done? Uh, he did 23 featuring Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa, 2013. I guess that did pretty well. Uhm, Nothing Is Promised with Rihanna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Barbiez, Nicki Minaj, It Takes Two, Gucci, oh my, he's done some Gucci stuff, Gucci Mane, uh, he won, hip hop, best bt hip hop awards, Bugatti, 2013, Move That Dope,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, oh, that's the, sorry, is that the nominate? Oh, that's the song, yea. Move That Dope, uh, Banger of the Year, he won that. Uhm, let's see, Grammy Awards, he, did he win? He was nominated for formation, I guess he worked on that, Beyonce's album. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lemonade album of the year nominated. Yeah. So he's, he's, no, he's done really well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First day at the feds, yeah, Gucci, you're a big Gucci fan. I love-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of, uh, this is hilarious. This dude is getting arrested and he brings up his mixtape to the news media. Oh, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, uh, San Antonio Police Department made an arrest in the case of a deadly convenience store shooting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I think that's, uh, anything else, Gene? Uhm, somebody wrote, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Upon listening to the admittedly revolting episode 388, something outright disgusted and appalled me. No, it wasn't the lady talking about her smelly, howling beehole, but rather when my mommies were discussing sugar binges, Christina suggested a number of waffle topping options, including Nutella, which she pronounced Newtella.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This changes everything. I pronounce Nutella because it's made of fucking nuts and Nutella obviously makes no sense. Is Nutella the new FedEx? FedEx? What's going on? Who is the real pronunciation champion? Love and farts, Steven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This says, well check this out, from the U.S. Nutella website, Nutella is pronounced New-tell-uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a tasty, unique spread made from the combination of roasted hazelnuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people pronounce Nutella as Nutella and people can't take it. That's a whole article about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are flipping out about the very thing we're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, it's right here. It's got nuts in it, therefore it's pronounced nuh-tel-uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Nutella. There's nuts, not newts in it. That's what Nisha said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's insane. So we were basically paying them to be tycoons. Like that's an outrageous salary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be clear, that would be the equivalent of, that would be the equivalent of paying our presidents five times more than they earn right now. Bananas. For a public service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Four E. She's great, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like what you'll do is, the trash can will be full. Full.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you'll put trash on top of- Don't put trash on top of trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah man, it's, so at least push it down. Don't let it sit on top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's outrageous that you wouldn't just do that on your own. You need to be explained that that's what you should do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, I will say this, just like the gays, we'll probably in uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is gonna be a real busy month. I'm gonna be traveling a lot. This is the tour kind of wrapping up. I have a bunch of cities to go to. Uhm, but in May...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'll be around a bunch, and uhm, I dunno, I think, what do you think, maybe in May, we try having a guest in here? We'll do a guest episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Alright. I just wanted to tell you that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, Nutella, you were right. You were, you were right about one thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, there we go. Uhm, thanks everybody for listening. I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, thanks guys, we'll see you next week. Bye mommy. Bye Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A late 1800s community bottle dump is always a fun dig. Yesterday's trash is today's treasure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the thing. I think we should go on strike against come. A come strike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh shit, alright, yeah. I gotta get my life together here, guys. Sorry, I was caught off guard there. Oh, I'm on airplane mode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I- I don't have the bandwidth anymore in my brain. Something happens when you pump a child out of your vagina. Yeah? He- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember when we went there and everyone said it like that?


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[Assistant] Do you think Trump's first order of business will be to move the state, uh, the country's capital to like Miami?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It isn't like those bummer chicks that think stuff. They have opinions, boo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No you didn't. These are- No. Not recently, but yea, a while ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love these. These are what I used to wear on airplanes when I traveled a lot so I could, uh, lock out other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does that work? You put it in your rectum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I wish is that people in our country talk back like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, why is no one talking to President-elect Trump this way? Like, are we fucking serious?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like your, um, your DJ dad mouth central station.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got special soundproofing on these walls and on the ceilings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who that is? That's the tattletale in elementary school. Teacher, teacher, she said it, she said it there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she eats a lot of TV dinners in front of the television and she farts and she pets her cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've had a constant stream of workers, work, things, nothing, nothing really works when you first buy a house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The internet blows, the heater's not working, uh, the pool needs work. It's all, it's all under construction. It's coming together, guys. Our life, our life has almost gotten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, like I said, we could use a little bit of this in our politics too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what if someone, she said fart in the wind, it was in the context of an event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this, this is the syndrome of someone who needs justice all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She spelled it out, which is extra juvenile to me when an adult can't repeat a bad word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes me crazy. Just say fart, dummy. Like you've never said fart in your private life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I remember. She was from last week, huh? Yeah. The big, the big f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have been, well first of all, working out daily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, jamming on the one, the diet's clean as fuck right now. You bought the, uh, that tank that you sit in for an hour a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're losing water weight in addition to fat. So there's a lot going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and I've seen Burt's propaganda on Instagram. I don't buy it. I don't think he's doing anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that. So you guys only have to get to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being overweight and not obese. So 227 and above is considered obese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like a trainer when you see sometimes they, they pinch your fat and then they tell you how fat you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem with him and this challenge is the road. That's going to be a huge obstacle for him and that's something thankfully you don't have to contend with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is always our problem. We always pay for the top tier and we never get what we want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was terrible. You know what it looked like? Like a 50 year old dude trying to work out and you're like, stop it. You're going to pull your back or something. He looked like he was, he's going to hurt himself. I hope he got approval from his physician.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is bullshit. What, he did once? You've been doing this already for months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a plank yesterday, uh, two minutes. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got leftovers, cause they, they blow it out, the Chryshers. Oh yeaah. And there's, I'm sure he's eating leftovers. Sugar. Still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, for a split second, cause we have had workers come through here that are fans of your mom's house. And I thought for a second, maybe this guy's like a fan of the show or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a little, he's a little older, so I don't, I didn't think so, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But just the fact that someone called me Jean based on you was pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we should start, um, a phenomenon around the world where people start doing this. I think it's great. I know. Hey mommy, I like a double cheeseburger, blah, blah, blah. Thanks, James.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, there was some controversy I noticed about last week's Master of Accents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh interesting, so you're blaming, wait a minute, I'm the apprentice of accents, you're the master of accents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yes, you're right. Now allow me to clarify because I read all the emails and I've done my, uh, my research here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard the first speaker is momstrillian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, these suckpigs in their latex dog fetish costumes are Kiwis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His accent feels subtly mom-Australian. It doesn't sound as much as like, eeegh, g'day ma. Yeah, it's not like that, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect smile. By the way, these la- full body latex dog costumes can't be cheap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get the realistic dog face costume with your eyes cut out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a relief to get that off. So, so, Kiwi. I mean, I guess it sounds a little more of a thing. What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you would think for a sense of like, hey I wanna keep my day job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't need my friends and family to know that I dress up like a latex dog and sniff other guys butts and then, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you, like that's such a, she just brings it up one day, we were just one day, we were talking and laughing, and she was like, I asked him, would you ever date your mom? Like, how irresponsible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't Australians just sound adorable no matter what they're saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sweet, right? They just don't sound like dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't live there. I did Road Rules there. What's I'm saying? You lived there. Filmed for like almost three months, I think. Okay. Back in the day. You lived there. The 90s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a bad bite. I got a bad bite. This guy looks so happy too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, to foreigners especially, but they're so nice. I loved it. They're Canadians, Australians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all nice, they're all nicer than us. Most, most other places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a bit of, yeah, fruity bars. It's stronger, and I feel like Australian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fruity Ball, yes. It's a little more fairy, cutie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Do you know that I clean up the toys now a lot more because of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Glassin'. And I like his dad move. This is the dad move. Just glassin'. You know how they do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait now, people wrote in saying, I was wrong that this guy's Canadian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to bring up something that I'm really thankful for, you know, we just celebrated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we invited our friends over. Yea. We did straight friends and... Straight friends and no gays? Straight friends and no non-binaries. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying, you know, we didn't do anything we didn't want to do. So the point is, you and I made sweet love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you put on deodorant. Before we did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And showered and I thought, wow, what a special occasion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what I mean is usually when you're asking for S-E-X, I don't want to say the word S-E-X, you, you don't usually groom up or do anything special for me right before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you'll have flown across the country. Yeah. The night before you'll have a show and then you'll be like, can we do it? I was really impressed that you took the time to put on deodorant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was surprised that you turned the game off. I thought you just mute it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I thought that... By the way, that's a sign of a real marriage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The gay turds. I thought that was really neat. And we've been playing this, uh, little role play lately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Karen has really low standards. She's not used to being treated well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You pet my head? What's with all these...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyways. Can I tell you what I really liked? Yeah. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and Karen's got such low standards that Bobby can walk around in the shorts. Yes, unfortunately. Oh, for crying out loud. What's wrong with the heater?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want a four. No, you're right. Three or four. You want a four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, not even a three is kinda hard. A sausage shaped with cracks in the surface.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want a smooth, soft sausage or snake? Four. Four, yeaah. Sorry, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, cause I've had that happen before when I've been on treadmills, where you're farting and you think it's silent, maybe it's not and everyone could hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mom does the same thing I do to you, cause you always go, I gotta, I gotta let you go. I gotta let you go. So rude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was probably one of my best calls in a long time. I laughed so hard. Man. My stomach hurts from that call. I love how upset Charo gets. That's the best part. I know. Is how upset she is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her disappointment is so profound in you right then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's so disappointed in you right there. I don't think I've ever heard her, and usually she just gets angry. But this was thorough disgust.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I thought was really neat? Which you have been teaching our son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As in the mornings, you and I, we get our coffee together and we go into his room and we wake him up or he's already up and we have like a family time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a, there's a rocking chair I sit in. I was sitting there with Ellis and you are sitting on like a plastic chair. Like a step stool. Like a step stool. And you are in your dad boxers like you normally are with your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you spread your legs, you lifted the legs in the air, and then you farted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, like firecrackers in the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how does your dad hold, does he hold in these farts? He doesn't hold them in. So how does he fart around your mother who has a lot of contempt for them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to say, I think one of the greatest things about our relationship is that we just fart in front of each other because could you imagine 20, 40 years of having to get up and go to the bathroom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but that's especially because your dad has a sickness. He's a diverticulitis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna blow, bang, whatever after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the dream was you had an idea for a bit for your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I blow the entire cast of gigolos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then afterwards, I was talking to Brace about it. Brace was like, wow, you really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blew all those guys. It was really crazy. And then I had second thoughts. I was like, oh, we can't air that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And then I go- That's your concern. And then I go, Tom, I blew all the guys in jiggalos. We can't air this bit. This is going to ruin my reputation as a lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but then I didn't, but I just remember seeing the peener. I don't remember like doing anything. And then I remember Bryce being like, wow. And then I asked you to take the bit out that we shouldn't air it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know why you have to make a video of cum on your face, dummy. Well, she's gonna tell you why. We've all had cum on our face, you don't need to make a video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything's wrong. Can I tell you something that's so great is when women get hosed into this horse shit, that guys feel things about their calm and we need to be more respectful of letting guys calm on your face. Yes, it's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. Yeah, cause usually when people lead with the sexuality card, it's their whole thing. I'm this super cum lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely, you're right, it's years of repression and now she's the official come on my face lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny, and I love what, by the way, the thought always being that like, oh you really gotta be so accepting of guys to get them to be indie, like no you don't, you don't need them to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't need the guy to come on your face for someone to come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we stop fucking worrying about their feelings, about their fucking com-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you guys rule the world this whole time. Who cares?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I read an email that we got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hola mamacitas, can you please settle this debate once and for all? My wife and I argue all the time about wiping techniques and we are in need of a neutral third party to weigh in on the subject. Ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I myself am a sane person and I wipe from front to back until the toilet paper more or less comes back white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem, the problem is you are putting caca on your regime and that's not sanitary. You can also do the claw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do a reverse claw, do a claw front to back and use your thumb as the claw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a maze. So we were using the washlet from the 90s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got the total 350e. And it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's because the guy at the Toto store went to their showroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's pretty painless to hook up. You need to have an outlet by the toilet. And the water source is there. This thing has a remote control. A heated seat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing! It's amazing. Have you used the dryer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a hair, like a full powered. Now with art, there's the front setting and then the rear setting. But as a woman, I have to use the front one. So it pushes the kaka away. Do you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a bummer that that's the guy that hits you, that fucking cunt. That hippie asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's wonderful. I think you should go to Budapest. You should, you should start eating sausage, drinking beer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And abusing your body because you can, because you've got cockroach, eastern block, DNA. Also, uh, work on your scowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, Tom? Yeah. Work on your depressiveness. You're gonna need it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's nice. It's beautiful. Cursing, get a good curse going. Uh, disdain for humanity. You gotta work on that a little bit. I think it's cool. You should go check it out. It's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fun how grumpy some of them are. I don't know if they are anymore, but, you know, last time I went, sheesh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh right, yeaah. From Louisiana?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, listen, in your defense as the master of accents, I think that your batting average is pretty high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always super upbeat. Hey guys, so today on this makeup tutorial, I'm gonna show you how...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, it's me Hailey and I just went on a target run and I wanted to show you everything I bought. I got some new candles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember the Yankee candle guy and he would do candle runs? And then he would review the Yankee candles? I actually like that a lot. I really like those good smelling candles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just did a target rap, and I bought the snow polish. Like, who's watching?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so is she gonna show us the super burp or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was disgusting. Even I'm like, I'm disgusted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew a girl in high school that could do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, her name was Kiffany. And she would drink, uh, Dr. Pepper and burp like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, can I request? Yeah. If you have it. Yeah. Uh, I was just thinking today that it's your mom's house. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's your mom's house, it's your mom. I like that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jack Reacher for Major Turner. Major Turner's been arrested. On what charge? Espionage. He's been set up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy, would you marry your dad? What's that babe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Genius work. That is really good work, man. That is really good work. That's by, uh, Joseph G.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, Joseph. Uh, welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. I am very thin comedian, Tom Segura, here along with my co-host, the slightly dehydrated Kristina Piszczewski. Listen, uhm, any other, uh, mom is on? Did you talk about that already?


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[Assistant] Didn't know that. And of course, don't forget this.


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[Assistant] Yeah. We had Top Dog and Sharo in here.


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[Assistant] There's a lot, there's a lot to talk about. There's a lot to talk about. Uhm, I also have some, some great, I got great audio from them.


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[Assistant] I have a bunch of clips, bunch of audio to play, so.


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[Assistant] Be Jimmy and Bobby around. Listen, do I have the, uh, my YMH thing? I don't even know where that is.


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[Assistant] Which episode was last week? Do I have the intro? I don't even have my show open.


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[Assistant] Oh my gosh. You think you're ready to go and then you realize.


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[Assistant] I feel like, look, can I see one thing here? I want to see if the intro I have here sounds different and I see if I could play the audio.


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[Assistant] I know, but I remember because we would use to do...


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[Assistant] Accents, and then the thing was that you could always do British better, because you lived there, and I would do that impression and you were like, that's, no one talks like that.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's a nonsense. Everybody knows, knows everything, knows that. Everyone knows that.


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[Assistant] And the taxman came to collect because he owed taxes and he locked him in his store.


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[Assistant] So that's what's going on at the beginning of it. The guy...


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[Assistant] So I guess the tax guy can seize the actual items. Property. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's not the business for you. Yeah.


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[Assistant] It's a bit of a whiff, isn't it? Huh? Yeah?


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[Assistant] See, they keep bleeping something.


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[Assistant] Hmmmm. I think it's a bit of a riddle. I think they call them fuckboys.


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[Assistant] But that's still, uh, we're talking two different countries, different...


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[Assistant] Yeah, but that word, they would be like, why would we stop? Cause it doesn't mean the same thing. So why would that affect them?


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[Assistant] Do you know what I'm saying? You're pulling back on it now? You've never pulled back.


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[Assistant] See, I don't think, I don't think that applies for this. I really don't. You might be right, but I don't think so. God damn it.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Karen's a fucking slut. Get the fuck out of here.


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[Assistant] The, uh, temperatures affecting, uhm, you know, capillaries, blood vessels.


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[Assistant] You've seen uhm, I mean then there's blood rushes obviously, so things can change color.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean, I don't think it's part of like someone's love making repertoire. I think it's something that, you know.


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[Assistant] It's special or it's, you know, people are on coke and they're like, let's just do this.


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[Assistant] Okay, that's perfect. So we'll plan on 6pm. Okay, great. Thanks buddy, bye. And it all worked out.


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[Assistant] Uh, we're rolling anyways. That was a phone call. I'm going to do a police ride along. Tonight.


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[Assistant] So the phone call was, hey, can you come right now? And I said, no. And they said, can you come in a couple hours? And I guess, I guess so. And now they just pushed it to later.


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[Assistant] So I'm doing a ride along, uh, a rider that I've been working with for months now.


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[Assistant] We've been working on this police story for a script and we arranged to ride along with the...


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[Assistant] It's gonna be a ton, it's gonna be homeless, a lot of mentally ill. I've done two ride-alongs before. I've done one in Tacoma.


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[Assistant] And, mentally ill. Uh, drugs.


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[Assistant] Uh, a lot of vagrant, and then when I did to come on ya, come, comedy club, and I did the ride along there, I rode along for, I don't know, four or five hours, he dropped me off, and then when I, he texted me half hour later, the next call was a gun, gun call, guy pulled a gun on the street.


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[Assistant] We're gonna look like a couple of boners sitting in that car, wide-eyed, like.


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[Assistant] Hopefully I get to sit next to some perps. What are you in for? Yeah.


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[Assistant] 20 years ago in Carolina that the guy's car number was 127.


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[Assistant] I think a 211 is a, is code for a robbery, right?


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[Assistant] F-A-R-T is like a, I think it's a biohazard.


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[Assistant] And he does have a point when he says money is money, but he's definitely being a dick.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I brought it, we got the new monitor. I had it adjusted down.


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[Assistant] Uhm, look, check this out. People have been sending these in, I told you last week, and I don't think I could find it, but, where is it?


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[Assistant] That's true. You know, I just, I just saw this thing here. Where is it, uhm, is it, there's McDonald's on, McDonald's, somebody did McDonald's.


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[Assistant] They're definitely going to say, they're definitely going to be like, we're not going there. Yeah. I told you one time I went to the bank that was just outside of the neighborhood.


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[Assistant] And I rode with a sergeant at LAPD site in the elevator.


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[Assistant] So I was like, I was trying to get an honest answer. I was like, what do you think of like this neighborhood? He was like, right here? And I go, what? And then I named our neighborhood, like the cross streets. He was like, that's terrible. It's a terrible place.


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[Assistant] I go, how bad? He goes, oh no, no, no. He's like, I mean, there's streets over there. We won't even drive down the street. And I was like, cool, man.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. I was like, okay, that's great, man. Um, what happened to the, uh,


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[Assistant] Is it your mom, your mom's house? Is this the one the guy, the guy just did? Is that Josh Almost who just sent that one in?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Okay. That one went through, uh, the McDonald's one. Where'd that go?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but it, uh, it's an empty, it's an empty, uh, thing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I really, really enjoy that. Uhm, you know that guy that does the, uh, the, what's it called?


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[Assistant] By the way, Barry, who makes the barbecue, is dropping off that barbecue tonight. Maybe I could bring the police there. Should I go pick it up with the police?


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[Assistant] By the way, Barry, I asked you for that video, and uhm, you sent a still image. So he did this great call, where he did customer service, and Barry did, the guy who made that, and he had the entire conversation with them.


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[Assistant] And I direct messaged him to send it, but he sent a still image.


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[Assistant] My favorite thing was to do that because you were there. That's what made it fun, is that I'm sitting with my wife and I would just go, uh, thanks gorgeous.


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[Assistant] Most actually, it's different, the dynamic between men and women. If you flirt with a guy in front of a guy, most guys go, I don't want anything to do with this. Most guys.


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[Assistant] Some women do roll with it on either side. Some women that are with a guy like their man flirting, vice versa. Yes.


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[Assistant] Been on a date or out with someone and been like, I'm gonna flirt with other girls, you know.


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[Assistant] No. I remember one time though, we were on an early date.


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[Assistant] But I went to ask, I got up and asked the server something. And when I came back, he went, did you just touch her? And I was like, what? You thought that I leaned down and touched her, her stomach, her box, her stomach. I was like, no. And you're like, oh, I thought you touched her. I was like, what?


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[Assistant] So we had to get our, you know, our nanny's this really sweet lady.


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[Assistant] So we went to the department store yesterday and I got the idea, what about


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[Assistant] We get her, or I get her, some panties and a bra, but like a crotchless one and holes where the nips are. And I give it to her and I go, you let me know when you're wearing this. And like, you know, kind of stand over it.


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[Assistant] Right, but I'm the one that suggested I would tell her, like, tell me when you're ready.


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[Assistant] Give me a signal. And I know what she would do. She would look down and go, I'm wearing them today.


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[Assistant] Wear these panties. Some people have done that, I'm sure. You know? Yeah. I'm sure, yeah.


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[Assistant] That billionaire guy, I think in West Palm, uh,


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[Assistant] Who turned out to be like a pedophile, but he also had kind of a sex ring.


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[Assistant] Running through his home, you know, bring in different girls and the staff would cry in the interviews. They're like.


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[Assistant] The staff was mortified because he had a full, you know, he's a billionaire. Cleaning staff and their...


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[Assistant] They'd be so sad to be like, the girl is here to see. The thing about that is those people need those jobs. So they never.


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[Assistant] Speaking of sexy, we saw The Arrival last night, that, um, that movie. And I don't want to be a spoiler, but first of all, I had the wrong movie in mind. I thought, I thought it was the, um, the Brad Pitt movie. Yeah.


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[Assistant] So what happened, by the way, it's really cleverly written. I will say that. I don't want to give away the premise, totally, but we can set it up a little bit. She is a linguistics professor and spaceships land on earth and they're trying to communicate.


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[Assistant] They get her to communicate with the aliens and.


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[Assistant] Upon her first communication with the aliens, they're like, do you like big dicks? That's what they say to her. And she's like, um, what?


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[Assistant] And then they're like, what's the biggest dick you've ever had? And she's like, she like holds up her fingers, she's like, I guess like that. And they're like, is that a boyfriend or a one night stand?