[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, very, very specifically, I wanted to kill him. So you learned nothing? Yeah, no, I was not mad at myself because I'm a human. I'm allowed to leave my shoes wherever I want and I don't think I should expect them to be eaten by a piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Well, I mean, even when I got Terry, you know, I had the same thing. I had all the people coming out of the world saying, yeah, because the thing is it's, um, yeah, there's like best practices. Sure. For like owning any animal, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're never, you're not going to get perfect. And, and every animal like, like a person is different too, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's certain things that they'll like that may be not conventional. Like for example,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not everybody does, but Lewis does. So he has to be able to be himself. And sometimes dogs eat shit out of their own ass. And not every dog does that, but some dogs do. And sometimes you just gotta let a dog be a dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone had a good time, everybody was so happy. Oh, it's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, that movie did look fucking scary though, holy shit. What was it called again? It's that one where there's like the, there's a murder in a house and the house is cursed. Uh, and the curse, the curse of course is that classic old horror trope. The house is cursed by an old granny who looks creepy as fuck and drives a car and stuff and you're just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well the, I mean, Dr. Sleep is a little bit like that, I guess. There's a, there's definitely an old sort of, she's got some boils or some like, some pussy, pussy nodes on her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The moral of the story is life stinks, boys and girls. Don't get old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember a commercial from when I was a kid. We used to make, uh, we used to make fun of it a lot. It was, uh, same sort of thing, flax. It was a woman biting into an apple. It was just the way she said it was very funny. She's like, look at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With real maple syrup as well, not even fake, it's real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a long time fan. I'm a big Wu-Tang fan and especially Ghostface Killer fan. I've listened to a lot of his solo stuff over the years and I listened to a lot of like older hip hop and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ghostface, one of those guys that keeps it real, you know, he's still releasing albums but they still have that like 90s sound to them and he's very distinctive, he's a really good lyricist and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's just had an album out, uh, this year. So I thought, okay, cool. Saw the tweet. It's like, fuck yeah. Ghostface killer. He's going to Bristol. I go to Bristol all the fucking time. Like I go there to do work and stuff. So fuck it. We'll go over there. I'll do a bit of work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go see Go's face, I'll get some tickets, see who wants to come with me sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then, so I'm thinking to myself, he's just out a new album out, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's probably going to be trying to like promote it somewhat or whatever. You know, he's going to be, he's going to be singing a lot of like tracks off of that singing. He'll be, you know, singing his some, some tracks off of that or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just thought, whatever, who cares, like I get to see him live and stuff, it'll probably be a really good show. Hopefully, you know, it's Bristle, it's the UK, like he's popular enough, but he's still like pretty underground and stuff, so it might not be that busy and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So whatever. So we went and the show was amazing. Like fucking all of these old ass callbacks to like classic tracks from like 36 Chambers and like Iron Man and like fucking a whole bunch of his earlier solo albums and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there was like, he had a guy with him who was like his, uh, it's like, it's like his protege, like, uh, he's being mentored by Ghost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I called, uh, try, try, try for the God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's like a, like a lesser known guy, but he was just doing like hype man stuff and everything and the show was really good. And it was just fucking amazing. I was just having a really good time, like just like rapping along to all the songs and stuff. And then after the show, I bought a shirt, I got it signed, I got my picture taken with them and everything. It was just great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of fun. It was fun hanging out with like everybody as well, but like, uh, and well, it was kind of fun taking a bunch of people who aren't really into hip hop and have never listened to Ghostface before and seeing like their reactions to it. And so I think everybody had a pretty good time though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I guess, I guess you're about to tell me whether you did or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, you're supposed to say nah mean. Now that you've been to a ghostface show, you can say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of them is, uh, one of them inspects or goes to his, uh, daughter's, uh, gynecologist, uh, sessions to make sure that her hymen is still intact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They both had a, uh, like a bit of a 90s sound to them as well, which helped too. Like I prefer that sort of, that, that sound, like the beats were like very sort of like, uh, heavy, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it, I think it's interesting. It goes back a long way. Like I think gang culture has always been sort of glamorized and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spoken about by, by mostly people who are in these gangs, right? Cause it's, it's almost like a, like promotional in a way, isn't it? It's insane. My gang is the best gang. We're like the baddest gang. We're dangerous and stuff. And.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it shows loyalty, I guess, as well. Like, if you're dissing other gangs, then people in your gang will be like, well, fuck, this guy's for real. Like, in our gang, like, there's no, he's not a traitor or anything like that. I think there's like a lot that goes into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get what you mean about like, you know, just saying like, oh, we're just rapping about what we know or whatever, but like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such a cultural thing for people and I think for people that are wrapped up in a gang and stuff like that. Like a lot of these guys that are young and they're taken advantage of by older people who know better, probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a strange one, but everything evolves, right? Like it's the gang culture and the way that people beef with each other and the way that that comes out into music was never just going to stay the same as it was in the eighties. Like everything has to evolve into something else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's just, it's natural now to get to this point. Like maybe we've gotten to this point like a bit too soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's crazy, but I mean, fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, like even NWA, remember when they, when they found out that the FBI, uh, had them on a list of, you know, dangerous people or whatever, they just use that as marketing. They're like, fuck yeah, okay, great. This makes us sound even more notorious than we already are. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, let's get a whole bunch of footage of us like arming ourselves with like, you know, AK-47s in the studio and stuff to really hit home and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think NWA in themselves were like the hardest hardcore gangsters, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easy was yeah, he wasn't, he'd never got into it in the first place to rap. He, he just wanted to make a side money for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was, he was, he was like the neighborhood drug dealer, right? He was like the, he was the gangster, like of, of their sort of area. Everybody knew who he was and he just bankrolled them, but it turned out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what everybody, like all of them thought the same, but except for him. He was always like, oh, I sound stupid. I don't like this or whatever. And everyone was like, no, no, no, you got to do this. Like just rap as if you were like just hanging out on the street, like with your friends or whatever. And, and he did. And the rest is like history sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's pretty interesting, but like, I don't know, like I think you look at like a lot of these artists and stuff and like, I think there is gang affiliation, but they're not the guys who are breaking down doors and shooting people in the face and taking money, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See if we could maybe go to like Glasgow next year and see like the whole clan. That'd be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would love that. You would love that. The whole clan. That would be an experience. You'd get to see like, uh, the RZA and like, uh, the JIZZA. The old dirty bastard. The young dirty bastard now actually. Okay. Uhm, his son. What? His son has taken over. Oh nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He used to be very dirty and he had like shit stains in his undies and stuff and he was just kind of like, you know, the guy that got picked on for it, but he didn't give a fuck. He was just like, he did a load of drugs and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they don't though, that's the thing, most rap isn't like that, you know, like the misconception or like the sort of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like when a kids movie, uh, does like a rap, it's there, they do them like ironically to be funny or whatever. And it's often about stupid shit, like, you know, like, oh, I shit my pants or I'm watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm watching my little pony and they, you know, they do a dumb rap about it or whatever, but like most, most rap isn't like that at all. Like, you know, like they, they choose words carefully to make, make everything flow better and sound better and not just sound stupid, like something you wouldn't want to listen to, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but back in those days, uh, like rap, I think it still happens to an extent, but it's a lot more obscure, but a lot of like early hip hop and like the sort of like, you know, golden age of hip hop, uh, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So heavy, heavy sampling of like soul, like old soul music, like from like the sixties and the, and the seventies and, and she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of these, some of these songs you'll hear for like the first time and maybe you've only ever heard the hip hop song, but it's just like, they, they literally just take a song and just put a heavier drum beat over it in a lot of cases. And it's just like, okay. So they've just effectively stolen a song and that, that was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the origins. Nowadays it's, you know, so, but I think the fact that things were so borrowed back then meant that, you know, like, they're like, oh fuck, we're, we're borrowing the song. We might as well just borrow like the names from this movie and all this other shit from a movie as well. You know what I mean? Like, I think it was just the done thing back then. Whereas nowadays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, but yeaah, I agree to an extent you probably wouldn't get it again, but that's kind of what made them so unique. You know, like, even the cover of their first album, you know, they were all wearing masks and stuff and I think everybody just thought this is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you might. What? This depends. I don't know. Like, I feel like, I feel Ghostface has been around for a long time. You know, Wu-Tang's been around for a long time. They'll definitely have a more mixed audience, right? Than something that's new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been watching, uh, the Devil Next Door, which, uh, I think is, is been pretty interesting. It's about the, um, the guy in the eighties. They think he was a Nazi death camp operator. He maintains that he wasn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, same, same. I feel like I like that better than the like stuff like the men, like superhero stuff and like, I, I, I much prefer real crime, like real stuff, documentaries and stuff now to like fiction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it was, while it was going on, I was seven years old. So like, I don't think I was keeping up with it back then, you know, like didn't have my device with notifications turned on or anything back then to like, let me know the latest on the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think we talked about porn or dicks or anything once this time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they know that. You know, you buy a lemon, you know it's gonna be a lemon, right? This podcast is a lemon. They know it's gonna be bitter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna have a rough exterior, and it's only gonna be useful for a few things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's it. They're not gonna be like, why isn't this a melon? They know it's a lemon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you sling it in with your underwear in a washing machine? Does that ruin it? Is there some kind of thermal plastic that melts if it gets too hot? Could you dishwasher a dildo? That's the question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are specialty wipes. There is a, and then you can run a UVC germicidal light over it to make sure. If you're fucking a piece of plastic, how fucking picky can you be? Give me a break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what's worse? Can openers. CAN OPENERS. Why do can openers get so dirty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's like summer holidays with the kids around and all that kind of stuff. And then potentially TI, if I, if I get invited this year, which would be like two weeks in China. Oh, it's China this year, isn't it? Yeah. Good lord.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that was the Shanghai major. Right. So that was, that was when James Harding was publicly fired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was freezing cold, and it was a very small event, but I'd never been to China before, so I thought, yeah, let's go. And I've got my cool Chinese visa in my class, which has the Great Wall of China on the visa, which was nice. Uhm, and yeah, I think it's still valid, so I can go, if I get invited to TI.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, talking of insufferable people, I was thinking today about how other people think about the rest of us. You know what I mean? So, I was taking my kids to school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their school is sort of down a little cul-de-sac. One of the roads you can get there is like a little cul-de-sac. And, uh, some parents drive down right to the gate, drop their kid off, do like an 18 point turn to get out, uh, and it's really annoying. So this one guy was coming out of the road, this other one was coming down it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're having a bad day, that's it, I'm blaming every single other human being on the planet and you're all in trouble. I just wonder what that snap, where that point comes where you just can't bear, like you literally chuck everybody in the same fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want any other human beings to interact with me. I'm sick of everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I did think it was decent, but the problem I have is, what happens if I just don't get good units? Like, what are you meant to do? Cause everyone's like, don't never reroll! Don't reroll! So it's alright, so I won't reroll, and then you're just getting...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So why am I being offered these pieces that literally mean nothing to me? And I feel like what would be good is if you could spend a little extra money and get an extra piece. So it's like, this piece isn't on the board but you need it but it's three times the cost or something. You know what I mean? So rather than just fucking re-roll it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it comes down to lads? It comes down to this. We're not very good at games. None of us. No. It's us three. Okay, I'm not talking about all the listeners out there and we're just not very good at games. So what we really want is a game that challenges us enough that we can still win and we feel


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me it's, for me it's uhm, if it was a single player game, I wouldn't be able to play it that much. Uhm, I, I mean the weird thing is I'm not like a massive tryhard uhm, who spends all their time studying and thinking about and practicing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all that kind of stuff. But when I do play games, I really want to win. Like I really want to win everything that I play. Like I really enjoy winning. But because I'm lazy, I don't actually want to put in the work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like when it comes to Dota, every time I play it, I mean I am getting very, very slightly better over the last seven years, but I mean when I compare how I am now compared to five years ago, I was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Genuinely awful, but now I mean like, I'm, I'm average, like I'm an average Dota player. Sometimes do some good stuff, sometimes do some bad stuff, but, but pretty average.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Given that I'm old as fuck and learn a brand new game from scratch, I don't think that's too bad. Uhm, and you think about when you're 18 or 19 and you're obsessed with something, it's a lot easier to just absorb, like, every aspect of it and throw yourself into it. I see my kids doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my eldest is really into, into games. And when she wants to, to learn something, she'll get every source of knowledge she can about it. Absorb it, read it, she's reading it while she's having breakfast, she's reading it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As soon as she gets home from work, uh, from school, uh, we haven't sent her out to work yet. And you know, she, she's watching videos about like, she's obsessed. So her current thing she really wants to play at the moment is actually Dota. Right. And I know that if she, if she really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's gonna be way better than me in like two years. Like way better. The reactions will be there. Really? Two years? Two days? No no. It takes a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never lost a game that way, and now I know, you know what I mean? Uhm, so yeaah, I reckon in two years she'll be able to crush me, uhm, when she starts. Are you hoping to train her into a future? I'm hoping not to train her! I really don't want to affect her with any of my bad habits, so what I want to do is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll watch it on Twitch on my telly, and they love it. Like the kids are glued to the screen, she loves it. And she's got a million questions. So she's super into it. But if, you know, if a new game came along now...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I played, like when I played XCOM, I fucking loved XCOM, right? And I streamed it all the time. Like I'd stream at the weekend for like 8 hours, just XCOM. Every morning, every evening, XCOM, XCOM, XCOM. And I literally just took an extended break from that because XCOM was so good. But I can't just keep playing that over and over again because it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's too samey. Dota, it feels like a different game every time. And when, when you pull off a game winning play or when you, you're about to lose and you turn it around, it's too exciting. Like winning a really close game of Dota, there's nothing like it. So in games, you know, obviously sex is better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. She, she is very contrary. Like she's into Pokemon. I hate Pokemon. I've told her I hate Pokemon. She still loves Pokemon. She, she's very willful. She likes something that's it. She doesn't care what you think. Or she doesn't like something. She's like, no, not doing it. But it's really nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, probably not, but I mean, she's seen me play other games and be like, what are you playing? And I tell her and she goes, huh, no interest. Uh, she, she's really interested in-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you look at the guys that are really, really good in Dota, they're so much better and they're consistently so much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That there is, I mean there's a very obvious skill gap between me and say, Miracle, right? There's no luck element there. He's just so much better than me and his reactions and the way he can assess what's happening on the screen in a microsecond, whereas it takes me a good length of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, talking about games reminded me, there's a story that uh, that Tom tells, he told me, cause him and Ben used to play games in Bristol, like that's how they met right, was playing board games and stuff like that. Like I didn't know that Tom and Ben go back as far as they did, but way before all this stuff, they used to play games. And they used to go to this games club, and there's a game called Starfleet Battles. Have you ever heard of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's very technical. And you have your grid, your hex map, and you've got your units. And then you've also got a sort of sideboard piece that's like a cut out, a paper cut out of your ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. And when you take damage, you have to cross off systems and stuff like that in certain orders, depending where the damage has come from, and you can select where the damage goes, you can repair stuff, you've got damage control, et cetera, et cetera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but the other thing is you have to assign energy. So you've got your reactor and you assign energy to parts of your ship. So I'm going to put it all into the forward shields because he's in front of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More into the four shields and we're gonna have some impulse power and some wall power and all this kind of stuff. And there's like life support and all the rest of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Tom just sat down at this game, he wanted to play this game, he didn't really know how to play, just picked it up, the guy explained the rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they live for that win. And they're probably gonna go write it in their little fucking Starfleet Battles diary. Won a game today when this complete noob forgot to assign any power to life support, lol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Playing games with Ben is like that, because I've played games with Ben, and he's like, okay, here's how the game works, and every move you do, he'll say, right, you've gotta remember, blah blah blah, and don't forget, you could have done this, like, he really is helpful, and I think the reason is that Ben actually wants a good game, and that's all I want, ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the, that's the essence of a good game, is it should be, there can be a leader, but it's not like you're out, you can't win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are they just trolling? Like what is going on? What is their regular life? Are they perfectly normal people everywhere else? Because I've written an article about these people who online troll, but you wouldn't know they're online trolls. Perfectly normal people they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So one of the episodes, this guy sends a game to his buddy to play Striking Vipers, which is like basically Mortal Kombat, right? But it's the VR version of Striking Vipers and it's super immersive. You put this on and it's like you're in the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when you get punched, it hurts, like you can feel the impact and stuff, but you can do all the moves. So you're like transformed into this super agile ninja or whatever. But he picks his character, which is this dude, and his friend as usual picks his character, which is like this hot woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they sort of start fighting and then as they're fighting at the end, they kiss each other. Right. And it's like, oh shit. And they, they, they come out of the game like, oh my God, what happened? And then they start having wild sex every night when they play this game before realizing, holy shit, what's happening? Like, are we gay? But they try and the guy, the guy quits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's generally, I'd say Black Mirror is categorized as near future or present and tech fear. Like fear of technology and like maybe we're taking this too far. And some cautionary stuff and looking at the extremes of current technology and sort of trends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that's a very specific mark. Yes. I mean, you'd have to assume your friends don't have air freshener in their bathroom. And if it's a fancy house, why wouldn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On your body. Alright, I got a few questions here. Number one, number one, that's gonna get pretty smelly in there pretty quick. Right. You're talking about an armpit on your stomach. Yeah. That's not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like when people say that you should be able to get your bank details, you know, just go beep with your thumb and that unlocks your account. If you do that, people are just going to cut your thumb off. Like I want that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, so uhm, you mentioned that obviously Stellaris had played a point in inspiring part of your description in the book. So are there any other video games or even movies that have played like a big part in helping you write this or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To make it in rap, you had to have some kind of street cred to be, to be a rapper because otherwise people were like, this guy's a fake. Like he's singing about, like if you think about rap in the 80s and the 90s was very much that gangster rap kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About, you know, the streets and your crew and how tough everything was. So for vanilla, I used to turn up and say it, everyone was like, fuck you. Like, you know, you're just some rich white kid from Miami or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got a streak tofu going on. The east coast, west coast tofu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a really bad anxiety attack last night because I was thinking, and that's the worst thing you can do is to think about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I run over scenarios in my brain about, you know, what would I do in this situation and all the rest of it, and uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I, you know, the worst, I start to imagine fucking DayZ stuff and, and, you know, walking dead and everything. So it, it, it sort of gets to you. But uhm, at the same time, I went out today, I had to go to the pharmacy and I had to go to, uh, I had to buy some paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And pencils and rubbers like restock on lined paper, cause the kids are gonna be home from school for the foreseeable. Like there's a chance they might not go back to finish this school year. Which is pretty crazy, so all the parents


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we've got a WhatsApp group for our classes and everything. We're all sharing learning resources and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. I could pick them all, the drafts and counter picks and stuff. You just picked Meepo into Winter Wyvern and Earthshaker and F. You get out of my classroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 30 kids, it's, it's, I wanna, I wanna say, it's one of the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bin men, uh, delivery drivers, shelf stockers, are actually really important jobs. Who knew? And it's like, it's an interesting take because now I hope people are waking up to how important these jobs are and how


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Society breaks down and everybody's in a mad panic when they suddenly can't have access to things that previously they had honestly taken for granted. So just look at yourselves and think, hang on a sec.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the teachers and the schools shut, my life was completely fucking turned upside down. Maybe we shouldn't just say, oh, those teachers have it easy, they don't need more money. Except that what they're doing is vital. And the same goes for all the healthcare professionals and all the support staff and everything. And even simple things like the bin men, if they just stopped,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The streets would be piled up in no time. So have some fucking respect for the down and gritty jobs that people have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never know, I mean, if people start running out of food, like if something happens with the food supplies and people can't get it, you're gonna get a lot more crime, people breaking into people's houses to steal their foods, shops getting smashed up, fires, etc.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's, uh, it's a little worrying. And I think that's why they've got the army and all the rest of it out on the, uh, sort of semi, they're, they're, they're talking about getting the army out because you never know. You might need to suppress some, uh, some civil unrest, but we'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, luckily nowadays we have a lot of things like Netflix, the internet, you know, my youngest has an iPad she loves, my eldest has a laptop I gave her, so it's like, they can occupy themselves pretty well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're very bad for the sewers. Sips and I have spoken about this before. Oh, I have some big news for long time listeners of the Tri Force podcast. Hooray. This happened yesterday. Sewer news. No, this is not sewer news. This is spy house news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just went in there and started hacking it down, okay. So the young guy got his dad and they were, but they were like fucking splashing all this stuff down and cutting it down. They trimmed the trees that were going crazy. And I said to them, do you guys live there? Cause I didn't know. And he said, no, um, but we spoke to the guy. They have his phone number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can now see into the back of Spy House. And it turns out, it turns out, first of all, the house is completely abandoned and has been for years. I knew that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I suspected that there was still something going on. He said the thing is the guy used to rent it out, used to live there for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it, for one thing it's separated into two flats, so you're gonna have to get rid of that and put a staircase in. Right. Because it's too small for flats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I always think of new builds as a place where violence is done. I don't know why. I look at old houses and I think they've got a kind of a charming spirit to them, but a new build to me is like soulless. Murder could be done there. That's what I'm thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a show called Ghosts, made by the guys that did Horrible Histories, the actors from that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She gets a head injury and when she comes around she can see these ghosts and they've all died on that property over the years. One of them is like a caveman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, it's not like for kids, but uh, it's very fun. One of my favorite bits is uh, one of the guys that died there was like an army general or like a lieutenant or something like that. And he says to the, says to the assembled ghosts,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, looks like we're gonna have to get rid of this living couple. It's going to be a guerrilla war. And the caveman says,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just think they should run, run some old, some old football, run an old match of the day. Deslinem, you know, break it out the old ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like a classic episode where there's like really good games and it was like a title chase or something. Chuck that in. I'd love to see that. Alan Hanson back in there. Terrible defendant, you know, all that stuff. Classics instead of fucking Mrs. Brown's voice. The worst sitcom I've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the way the audience are absolutely losing their shit. Like what are you like, what are you laughing at? I watched a Joe Pasquale stand-up set the other day, cause Stuart Lee's always having a go at Joe Pasquale. He was big in the, I think the late 80s and early 90s was like Joe Pasquale's prime time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. It's abysmal. His stand up is abysmal. Like it's unwatchably unfunny. And the people are absolutely creasing up and like falling out of their seats. There's something offensive about seeing that level of laughter about something that you know demonstrably is empirically bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you haven't seen, um, Enron, The Smartest Guys in the Room, that's a really good documentary that was, I noticed, was on, uh, Netflix the other day. And that's really interesting. Enron is, is such a crazy, scandalous collapse and the things that are so awful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dear Boris, hope you're well. Quick update on the runner beans coming along nicely in this rainy season. However, I have a question about the National Health Service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you read the local paper? Cause I have. Here's the thing, it's hella boring. It's boring because that's reality. People don't want to read.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's a sign that says, if you have the coronavirus, and I read that, and then they've stuck a little thing next to it that says, cue this side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I read down as far as cue this side, cause it's like the top of the sign is white text on red, which is like jumps out at you, if you have the coronavirus. And then there's the little sign saying cue this side. And I look and there's a bunch of people queuing that side, I thought blimey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I queued the other side, because I don't have coronavirus, or I don't have any symptoms of it. And this old lady's like, there's a queue! And I said, yeah, but that queues for people with the coronavirus, and I don't have it. And she said, I don't have the coronavirus, there's a queue! I said, well, why are you queuing on that side? I said, that's the queue for people that have coronavirus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're the customer, therefore they outrank you. They are gonna give you shit. And they're gonna use you as a punching bag because you're less than them. You're serving them. You have a subservient role in this dynamic, so I'm gonna take this out on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And anyone that says, look, I just work here. Well, you represent the store, don't you? Don't you? You represent the store. Just fuck off. Alright? I mean, we're, we're, I just gotta, I'm sure your job is fucking amazing. You piece of shit. You here shopping at two o'clock in the fucking afternoon. Probably haven't got a fucking job or you're retired, you old cunt. Fuck off! I'm doing this for fuck all!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be worth taking that job, even if you didn't need it. I'm tempted to get that job and hope a customer gives me some shit so I can tell them what I really think on the- on behalf of all my fellow workers that can't open their mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That have to just eat that shit day in day out because they need the job and they can't afford to lose it. But don't push people too far. That's all I'm saying. Because eventually they're gonna snap and they're gonna start spitting in everybody's burgers just because you've been a cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've seen this, we'll literally tell the customer to fuck off. Like if you have a decent manager, they'll come out because they'll take the heat and they can talk to the head office and say, look, this bloke was... I've seen that happen before actually. I've seen it. Where the manager comes out and says, I'm not having to talk to my staff like that, get out. I've actually seen that firsthand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet the managers fucking love it. I would, I would love it to turfing out a bastard customer. That must be like, let's have a collective high five too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And something more positive than self-isolation. Let's call it some, some me time. Everybody's taking some me time to chill at home and look after themselves and their loved ones, to not panic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's important people realize that people are there for you, your friends are there for you, your family are there for you. They may not be there physically, but we are more connected now with each other and everyone else than we've ever have been through our history. So you're not alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are, you know, there are gonna be some arseholes and there's gonna be some dickheads, but on the whole, we're gonna collectively pull together and everybody wants this to go well. Everyone I've spoken to says, good luck, all the best, stay healthy, you know, that's what we all want. So let's see it in that way. Socially, we're pulling together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, honestly, that couldn't have done that better. Put that in a jar and mask


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, like, I'm starting to think. Fuck me. No, no one saw this coming, did they? Right? I watched, um, Contagion, right? You know, uhm. Not very good. It's not a very good movie. No, it's trending.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like about a global pandemic. And some things that are in the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, in like Times Square, looking up at billboards and stuff and looking at TVs and like, it's just like 10 shots of people doing the opposite of social distancing, which is, it's like social gathering for being told what to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, I think people do, like, filmmakers do like to tap into situations that we're all familiar with, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because a lot of the time acting is about being willing to pause and, like, give, like, you know, cause everyone feels like they have to fill every dead air. Like, there's people on stage who are always very scared to leave space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, this guy infects himself by not only fucking up, taking out, um, an IV out of someone's arm, so he gets blood all over himself. But then when he gets stabbed in the leg, he puts his bloody hand, oh, oh, oh my leg. He rubs his bloody hand all over his injury. And it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you saying we need like a kind of bacterial tower defence?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spoiling a, yeah, a children's movie from five years ago, I think we'll...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess you, a cross dresser, right? That's what you call, um, he, he, he does drag a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What have you been working on recently? Me? Oh, I don't, I just, it's like, um, a cathartic thing just to make some mess. It's like a child. I don't feel much more than an animal stomping my feet into just pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's cool. So sorry, he has a show now where he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does this make you not, do you think all restaurants are kind of a little bit bumbling though? Like, do you reckon every restaurant is a little bit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess there are, there's a lot of very proficient, I mean I worked in a kitchen in a hotel for a while and there were like two chefs and they were both weird, weird people. One of them was a very tall, thin, kind of gaunt looking man, like lurch kind of thing. And the other one was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is this, I saw a news article that was like, that the coronavirus pandemic is revealing people's poor cooking skills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, it's, it's, it's a thing that's happened. I don't, I don't, I almost like, I think if, if I was thinking about having to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I wanted to like learn to cook something, right, uhm, I would be scared, I think mostly to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess like my cooking is, uh, I have a frying pan, um, and sometimes I boil some water and, but I don't boil, I don't like to boil stuff anymore. I've, I've, I've boiled anything for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that something that people still do? I thought we had to steam stuff now. I heard that it was actually just better to heat up vegetables in the microwave as well because it just keeps the nutrients.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's way behind on the title. Home working. She stopped. That's good. She stopped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you have to find something that they do like and make sure to have that on available. Do you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, but it's just the ingredients are just genuinely different too. Like I think if it used like, I dunno, a cup of fucking maize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maze powder or whatever the fuck they have there. Half the time you look at recipes online and you're like, what the fuck is this thing? Do you know what I mean? It's some American thing that doesn't every supermarket have kosher salt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think, I think there wasn't for a long time an idea that food could cause you to be sick. Cause most people in the world have struggled to eat enough for the past, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, even during World War II, you know, you had your sugar ration kind of thing. Like you had, you were limited in the amount of kind of these, especially things like, I mean, during the war, imagine like the modern American diet, which I think is still eaten by a lot of people. It's a lot of red meat and processed meat, a lot of butter, candy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not necessarily, but, but for, but it was kind of this thing that, you know, vegetables were cheap and free and easy, but now we have this very good industrial


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh God, it was, it was so intense. Like people were ordering pancakes and I had to cook them up and man, it sounds like the simplest thing in the world to do just to make some pancakes, right? But when you're doing it to order and people are waiting on you, it's suddenly like this incredibly intense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the pressure. Maybe that's why they're so weird. You see that too in Kitchen Nightmares and stuff, don't you? Like, even places, especially places that have like a big fucking menu, I think that's one of the things I always take away from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy I know. We should do what? No, we shouldn't. Well, here's the best way to do it, right? This guy at the market. Do what? Run a fucking restaurant. He basically makes like a huge pile of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the way to do it, right, is, is like, you just, you, you don't, you, no pressure, okay, so he makes this paella, like, the night before, cooks it overnight, really slowly, and then just brings the fucking mega dish, right, and then he stands there, and just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eat your fucking Maltesers as well, Gordon. Jesus. Yeah. What's yours gonna be? What's your dish, Lewis? Oh, fucks. Fucking hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I do instead. How about like, how about I do toasties? Cheese, cheese toasties, just with, with the, the veggie cheese. So it's like the tofu cheese. Okay. So again, that'd be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then actually the meat, honestly, is like a dinner. Like you go to any fancy steak restaurant and it's just, they just give you a fucking steak and like the sides, like, they're not really needed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I don't want to do any, I don't, I don't want to, yeah, maybe I don't want to do the fake, fakie-fake cheese instead of. There's no point, is there? It's just never, it's never the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Butter and jam sandwiches. There's so much you can do. Cooking is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such a vibrant option. There's so much choice. That's true. How does anyone, how, I guess like everyone really does a bit of it, but I'm- No, well that's a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's quite expensive though, it adds up, doesn't it? Like, it's not that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can understand. There did used to be this thing called, you know, people used to do a weekly shop. That was a very classic thing that people used to do. They used to go and get a lot of stuff once a week. And over the course of the last 20 or 30 years, we've changed to multiple, it's changed and people shop multiple for smaller,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well we're definitely seeing the return of the weekly shop apparently, according to supermarkets, because in this, in this event people are going out less and they're doing bigger shops less frequently. Yeaah. And stocking up. I still shop every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, some people would just, I think it's got this image from marketing that somehow it's healthy or better for you. But I watched the thing about how it's made of stuff and saw a thing that said that Fiji water had more like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I drink fizzy, I drink the sparkling water as instead of like soda. Like just carbonated water. Yeah, I can understand that as a sort of thing and it's convenient too to have a bottle of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We play it solo because it's called, they relaunched it with characters called wastelands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes that's frustrating. Yes, yeah, I think that's why. It's like a multi-player, you have to connect to servers to play it, even if you're on your own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like the fact that you're just playing Fallout 4 says it's not very good though. It's like you were disappointed by it. No, it's not that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I played, uhm, I played two tactics games this week. I played Dexcom, Chimera Squad. What do you think? It was 8 quid. I got through it. I've really enjoyed it. I'm going to finish off streaming it tonight and over the weekend and I think it's good, really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love the bridge mechanic. I think it was a bit of a test bed. Plus I think they learned a lot in the XCOM 2 daily mission. So there was this thing on XCOM 2 where you could, there was a different mission every day that no one played, but they tried a lot of these things out where you got to play as aliens and stuff. And so I think they took all the things that people found fun from that and made it into a game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, I played it on the, the step up from normal difficulty and I got my ass kicked. Yeah. It was really quite, quite hard to begin with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm, I'm into it. Uhm, there's a lot of, seems like a lot of customization. It's like, it's like a lot of tactics games. There's definitely gonna be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like alternate reality earth where one day bugs invade, it's called emergence day, they just sort of come up out of the ground, and the only way to deal with them all is to nuke all of the cities on earth with this thing called the hammer of dawn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but anyway, I, I've played it, I think it's, it's actually okay. I think you can get it for a quid on Xbox Game Pass, actually. So, uh, that would be my tip, rather than spending 50 quid on Steam, if you want to give it a go. Oh right, I got that, yeah, I've got Outer Worlds on that Game Pass. It's like a quid a month on Xbox, whatever arcade, game pass, whatever fucking thing it is. Yeah, I might try that out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it is, it's quite interesting, quite different gameplay and if you're feeling like a bit of ex-commy stuff after you've had finished Chimera Squad, because it's kind of quite short Chimera Squad, it's like 20, 20 hours or something. But I mean, it ain't quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well thanks guys, that was Tri Force this week, hope you guys are all safe out there, looking after yourselves, looking after each other, eating lots of Maltesers and stuff, and fizzy water, or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our cleaner, our cleaner comes today, she's probably here now, and the kids come home from school and the house is spotless for like an hour. I'm just like, keep it like this. Then it's knee deep. Literally within an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it reminds me of? You used to be able to buy these cassette tapes that were a hundred games on one tape or like a super nintendo thing it was like a hundred games on this cartridge. Oh my god it does remind me of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy. Most of them were garbage, but there'd be a demo for like, the demo for Juke Nukem 3D, that was a whole level. And that was unbelievable. And I just played that over and over and over again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was the first year of university I got the demo for Worms on the PC. And I was the only one in the house that had a PC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I installed it on there and all the other lads in the house I was living in would break into my room when I was out to play Worms. Cause if I was out there like, well we still wanna play Worms. They would break into my house, to my flat, right? Or my room in the building we were in. Cause we were in like, we weren't in halls, we got a whole house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And over the course of the months, I had no idea they were doing this. Over the course of the months, there was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the windowsill under my, the main window facing the street had a big hole in it. And I was like, oh no, the wood must have rotted away just with the damp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it was a crap house. So I was like, oh god, I have to pay for that. Only several years later did my best mate, Simon, reveal to me that he, climbing in through the window, had put his foot through the window sill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so weird. And then they blew it. Because one time, for a joke, they hid a load of potatoes around the room. Because me and Mrs. F stayed at, we're at university together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they had a bag of old potatoes and they hid them all over our room, including in her underwear drawer. She was livid. She was beyond livid. Nice. So that was that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, that, that, that's a, was it El Chapo, or one of those lads that had a bathtub, and under the bathtub there was an escape tunnel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you climb down the tunnel and close the bathtub over the top here. Thought that was pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just never leave the house so Christmas starts when I want it to start. That's pretty much it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think we, we, uh, we talk about this every year, about the decorations, and it's a big thing, because the kids are still too little to really help. So you say to them, help me hang the baubles, they break half the baubles, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, you know, someone, some of your parents say to you, we've got to go to granny's house today. You think, but that noise, why would I want to do that? That's going to suck. Granny's house is boring, smells of granny. And it's just like, oh, yeah, but you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's popular in very certain parts of America, yes. Is that coming from teenagers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you look at their porn searches, do you know what the number one is in Japan? Hentai. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not kidding. I'm looking at the data right now. He's got the data, folks. China and Japan, it's hentai. In India, it's team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never used, uh, lube for, for, for wanking. I don't know why you need lube. Maybe it makes it better. It just seems like it would be super messy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand that, but I'm just saying, you know, I didn't realize that they needed lube to get off. That sucks. Yeah, you definitely do. Shout out to all the circumcised guys out there jerking it with a dry hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Squeaky noise. They put it in every fucking film. Once you've heard it, it's like the Wilhelm scream. You can't un-hear it. It's a stupid sound effect that the lazy foley artists out there, you know who you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yesterday, we went to Sainsbury's, we had to pick up a few odds and ends. And I said to the girls, you can buy a bag of crisps each for lunch tomorrow, because we're almost out of crisps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have an article that says every time someone eats prawn cocktail, it shaves six months off their life or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a grab bag of quavers. Shucks. Well she's a kid!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grab, grab bag is big, right? That's the one, the way you can-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is about, it's only slightly bigger than a normal bag of quavers, but it has grab bag and a picture of a little hand going urr, like grabbing the crisps. Now I'm thinking, just because there's more in there, does that mean you have to eat them like Shrek eating a bag of crisps? Like why is the, what is the instruction?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is it a grab bag? What has changed? Just because there's more of it, suddenly I'm putting my whole hand in and grabbing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Handfuls of quavers to shove in my mouth all at once. Cause I eat my crisps, two fingers, like, like, my fingers are like chopsticks. What a time. I don't. Are you grabbing a handful and just going, bleurgh, and shoving them away?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just, I'm looking at the map here, and I'm a big fan of BBW, right? I like, I like, I like the larger ladies, big booties, big tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I've gotten older, I've found that the MILF porn is definitely more attractive to me to watch than it was when I was a younger man. Because, you know, why would I want to have sex with a MILF when I'm 20?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but first of all, she's a step-sister. Step-sister, yeah. So you're not, you know, you're not related by blood. I would assume it's like, you're, cause here's the thing, divorce is so big in America, right? Still not cool. I agree. I'm just trying to think of the logic behind it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of divorces in America, a lot of broken families and stuff like that. It's a real modern thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So all these kids, like, you know, his side of the family's broken up, his dad remarries, and now the woman he's remarried also has a child from her previous relationship, a daughter, so now you're stuck in a house with this hot teenage girl, and of course now she's technically your sister so you can't fancy her, so they go to the internet, that's all I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Europe and America, and the whole of Russia, Australia, a lot of South America, it's actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 26% of the viewership is female, or just slightly under that, 20-26%. But in, uh, parts of South America, in Brazil, and a lot of Africa, and the whole of India and China, and all that area, and Greenland, it's above average. A lot of women watching porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But his paperwork was all fucked up, he claimed he'd never been there, but his story didn't make sense, like it just did not add up. And all these guys, these Israelis who were like survivors of the Holocaust,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well like, that is the fucking guy, I swear to god. But then their stories, cause these were all guys, you know? Like, this story started to fall apart a little bit, and they didn't quite add up. They said, what do you mean, how did you get there? Like, one of the guys, they asked him, how did you get?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this huge public pressure. I mean, this is, this is a Nazi in Israel on trial, which is a triumph in itself. And then it's like, we've got to find this guy guilty, but we've also got to do the right thing. Like if we let him go and say, oh well, you know, we can't be sure. It's like, what the fuck? Like it was really, it's very, very, very important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the other problem is there are a lot of, there are a lot of things that people think innately look like lying but are actually just nerves that tell them the truth. So for example, one of the things people think is that if you can't meet someone's gaze and you're sort of looking around when you're talking that you're probably lying. But in fact,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's more likely when someone's lying, they're looking at your face really intently to see if the lie is working and to look for any sign.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they can swing the conversation and convince you and even if they're losing you then they can swap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Threads and try a different approach, like someone staring right at you is actually less honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's like, the only way you do it is if you were flirting with someone. Or, you know, I mean, I know when I, when I met Sipsup in Bristol last time, he was looking deep into my eyes. Like he, you know, we couldn't, couldn't tear our gaze off each other, just undressing him with my eyes. And he was doing the same. It was a wonderful night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We shouldn't have mentioned that in public, actually, sorry. Sorry, Sips. I know you were like, like Lewis's holiday in Spain, you wanted to keep it private, but it's out there now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the interesting ending was pointing out how many Nazis went to America. Because the thing is, uh, post-World War II, the immediate threat was not the Nazis. They'd lost. The immediate threat was the Soviets. So the Americans were like, well, if we don't get the Nazis out of there,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's closure though, isn't it? I mean if the dude, what the dude did, does he deserve, does he deserve to be rehabilitated? This is, it's, it's a massive, massive question, and I can understand why you would want just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's about building, rebuilding the connections between people, isn't it? Like that's, I think that's at its core. It's like saying we won't really be humans again until we can fuck about with banal shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that. And that sort of is, otherwise we're essentially just surviving, and that's not really the human experience at the moment. We've reached a point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so it makes her feel human again and it restores that sort of, that boring everyday shit is what makes us, uh, able to enjoy life. Like if we just lived like we did when we were hunter-gatherers. Apparently though, hunter-gatherers had a pretty sweet time with it. You gather for a few hours, then you can just chill the rest of the day. Yeah, I wonder what they did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'd love to bring you on board, however. And then he goes, oh, let me take this call. And, uh, George is like, however what? Or, you know, did I get the job? And he never finds out, so he just turns up to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, wow. Imagine having like an office and people coming to you and saying here's some work we need you to do. And it's something I haven't done in such a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew straight away that if I, like, I would be excited on my first day, and then the second day I'd be like, ugh, I've gotta go into work. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I don't miss it, but in a weird way,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're bored to tears and you don't wanna do it anymore, you still gotta do it. It's like, it's a yoke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to deal with non-technical people a lot. The customer in general has no idea what they're talking about or how it works. It's frustrating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were talking about Peter Molyneux yesterday on stream actually, and uh, people were like, like I was, I wasn't sure. I mean, I suspected Lewis, or even Sips, might have met him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do you think Peter Molyneux, if you want to talk about it, is just deluded or do you think he's just a liar? Like I felt that he's just caught up in the idea of yeah, we can do all this cool stuff and he pitches it as yes we can do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, for dinner, for dinner, uh, with, with a surprise of mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a date, uh, just with some friends of mine. It was weird because- Did you break Mrs. Flax or? No, because we had, it's hard to get a babysitter because of the lockdown and the bubbling and all the rest of it. We've got, you know, the kids and the dog and I was like, how do we arrange this babysitting thing at the moment? And it feels difficult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so we've sort of been, cause she's working from home, uh, she's going out with some of her friends in the area and stuff like that and I'll stay home and then this was the first time I've gone out in months and months and months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think one time going out, and the restaurant that we went to, Hawksmoor, it's like a big steakhouse in Covent Garden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excellent food. They had a lot of distancing going on, so for example, not all the tables were full, there's a lot of space between them, uhm, and everybody's pretty much keeping their distance, you know, it was, it was good, everybody's wearing a mask on the transport and everything, uhm, it was, it was good, it felt, it felt safe, but it was so weird being in London,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just not busy at all. The train wasn't busy. Getting into Richmond from Twickenham. Normally at 5.30 on a fucking Tuesday that would be hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No problem. It was so surreal. Uh, but it was really nice to walk across Waterloo Bridge and see, just see the city again. It's all like still there, you know, but it just feels like it was so, so far away. So Mrs. F was jealous that I'd been into London and she hadn't in such a long time. So today she's popped into town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, but it has to be, from any businesses perspective, unless you can justify to yourselves, we actually need to have a premises and people on it for whatever reason, whatever that reason is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They must have seen a few things. First of all, I know that people can work from home because I know a ton of people are working from home. Mrs. F was working from home very long hours, very hard work, all her colleagues the same, doing all the same work that they've been doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true. It is true, but consider this. We don't have people walking around the streets of London selling flowers anymore. We don't have people walking around selling cockles and mussels and all the rest of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If the shift comes and says, well, people just order food in, then people have to supply that need and it can't just be one place and one company. So it will always, it will always sort itself out eventually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Given the environmental impact of commuting on not just the environment, but people's mental health, the cost of it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All that shit, the, the, the, just, I mean, look at the roads in London at rush hour. This is not normal. This is not peak civilization. This is not stuff that we should protect. It's fucking awful. It is, yeah. And if we can stop it, and how, I mean, I fucking hated commuting. I know, I know Mrs. F does too, it's horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just think if we, if we wait and just say, oh, that change will come eventually, it won't. Because there's no impetus, there's no driver for one company to suddenly say, alright, fuck it, everybody work from home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but from a business perspective, what, why have a premises in central London that costs a fortune? Like if you're an ability, if you have an office in central London, the cost of that is insane. If you have to build a new


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If my office is located in Doncaster. Or Slough. In the basement of a nail salon. No offence to Doncaster, yeah. Just beneath a nail salon and next door to a fish and chip shop and you're like, oh yeah, come in, mind out for the air conditioning, it's a bit rattly, you know. You'd think, who the fuck are these guys? Even if their service is the same. People aren't gonna, it's the reason banks have such impressive


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you can offer a really nice premises in a nice part of London where people will work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To have employees work from home, doesn't matter where your business is located. I think most companies would say awesome, we don't have to have this huge cost that we otherwise had to have. I mean you'd still need an office somewhere, but it could be smaller. Or you could do what a lot of places do and just have an office building that's like, if you need office space, we'll rent it to you on a need basis. Like I work for a place like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've had, we've had some, some fake police around our area lately. Really? Yeah. So, one of the, one of the things that Twickenham is very well known for, is bike theft. Bike theft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about it. We are literally the bike theft capital of London. This area is rife with bicycles and therefore with bike thieves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even let the meter guy in. I'll be like, what do you need? He's like, the readings from your electricity meter. I was like, all right, wait here and I'll get a chair up and look up at the thing and I'll read it to him, but I'm not letting him in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I wanna know is, I got a fucking ticket for going accidentally into a bus lane for two seconds when I was in Bristol. How's this lad not getting booked for that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think it's going to affect our ability to fend off things like colds? I don't think that's how it works, is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they say that kids that aren't exposed to like dust and dirt and germs early on in their life tend to be the ones that develop things like asthma and tend to get sicker because their body, they haven't exercised that part of their body sufficiently. I don't know if that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, when you first start smoking, you get a head rush from like the nicotine and all the rest of it, but with time, you need more. Yeah. Like to get the same, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, think about it. But honestly, with the Hewl, it's once a day, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if you eat too much fibre, maybe you poop more? Cause it's just- I mean I think that might be a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes it can be an imbalance in the humours. You gotta keep the humours balanced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A tiny tear could be a tiny tear on the inside of your butt sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dog, you know what, my dog suffers with this. She does a poop, then there's a tiny bit more to come out. And she's like scuttling around in that poop stance that dogs have. She's trying to walk cause she's like, I know I'm nearly finished, but this tiny bit of poop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that they sit around and come up with new moves for yoga? Like is there like yoga progress?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, what I'm saying is, are people literally like, is there some kind of a yogurt treat somewhere, but they're like, we need to exercise this muscle, we need a yoga style move for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's like, but you'll be right. And it was like, I thought it was a one hour session. The one hour sessions I could do. Uh, this was an hour and a half session. That extra half hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, it was so rough. Like I'm not kidding, my yoga mat, the water was just pouring out of me. Like I was drinking, I had to refill my bottle twice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I looked around and there's all these, it was me and a bunch of ladies basically and one other dude. The dude was like stripped to the waist, ripped, I was like whatever dude, I'm in this baggy old t-shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm doing, I'm doing my poses and all the rest of it, and the instructor's constantly having to adjust me, and I was like, uuuh. You know, she's like, no, further down. Stop touching me. Yeah. So, but, but, it was so hard. It was horrific. And then I had to cycle home and I got home and I was just like, dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I wish I could, if I, if I was a, uh, if I was a better man, I would do yoga every week, a couple of times a week, because it is super chill. And honestly, some of the ladies there are in amazing shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I got the Hewlett delivery, it comes with the Hewlett shaker. It's like a big plastic thing with Hewlett and massive letters on the side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it came with a t-shirt, which of course, I am wearing a fucking heel t-shirt. I gave that to my daughter. And I was like, uh, you know, I wondered if I turned up to the yoga with my heel, I'd fit right in, you know, if I'd lost a bit of weight. But first I'd be like, yeah, I'm on the heel doing the yoga. How hard is it? You're not hot enough. I want to be fucking diarrhea and out of my eyeballs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So someone, uh, on stream said that people call Huwel Brotein, which I thought was quite funny. Brotein. That's nice. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, they're very, they're very cool, uh, they know about game development, so they'll be like, they'll suggest stuff, or what's the hook, or this, that, and the other. They really liked my game, which was really nice, so I was happy with that, but uh, yeaah, it was a lot of fun. And they're all lovely lads, aren't they?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something to salute to. Something like that. What about something like Chipper, but like a marching song as well?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cold. It's a bit blowy. It's rainy. It's pretty grey and miserable and uh, it's like this for about eight months a year. So there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I'm acclimatized to this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mild, miserable weather now, whereas like, uhm, you know, growing up in a place where it was really, really fucking cold for a lot of the year. Like, when I first came over here, everybody's like, oh, it's cool. I was like, what are you talking about? I was wearing my shorts and like a t-shirt and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then after a couple years, like, cause I've been over here for like 17 years now, now I'm a big pussy. I can't handle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even 10 degrees I find insufferably cold, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New York City's gotta be like that. Every time I see it in the winter, there's always steam coming up out of the sewers and there's like vents coming out of the side of buildings. I know it's the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've been camping so many times, and you know what, if it's one of those things, it's like a cultural thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're, you're exposed to it at a young age through like either your family going camping or maybe you go with your friend's family to go camping or you're in Cubs or Scouts or whatever. They do a lot of camping as well. They're all about the wilderness and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's something, it's like an acquired sort of taste, but it's amazing. Camping is, I really rate it. It's one of the best things you can do, honestly. Like you completely detach yourself from like your devices and stuff. Like you don't have any electricity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just go to sleep when the sun sets, you wake up when the sun rises. It's the most natural and sort of relaxing thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd pay good money to see Lewis take on the SAS challenge. I would love to watch the whole 15 minutes he survived for before he got forcefully ejected from it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd push up your mum's rear end staff and then that'd be it. You'd be out. You can't be inappropriate like you were with your personal trainer with SAS staff. They won't take it. They won't take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I think a show where you would excel, Louis, is, uh, Antiques Roadshow. I think you would, I think you would absolutely fucking own everybody on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like flog it, you mean like going to a bargain market and like- Nah, antiques roadshow, like something really fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think people do, I think charlatans do, but generally people are either, you know, good at something or into something or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't his birthday. Happy birthday to the kid whose birthday we went to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was that fucking show off who was like doing flips on the trampolines and stuff and you just think, get over yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wouldn't be allowed to do that in the SAS. You know, they'd curse at you and they'd kick you out. Show off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was all just very, uhm, it was a very wholesome weekend, wasn't it? Oh yeaah. Of watching kids do stuff and waiting for them to go to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was sloshing around in his bowl and he was having a good...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was having a whale of a time, actually. Man, he was full of piss and vinegar after that. It was like, revive him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's gotta be bigger. He's too, he's too small. Yeah, they need to have a really consistent, uh, low temperature to hibernate. So if it, yeah, if it fluctuates too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They naturally want to, they're programmed to, but they need to be a certain weight before they can survive it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he's very small. He's only three. So in a couple of years when he's bigger, he'll be able to, but even, even now, even though he can't hibernate, he last year for a certain period of time, he was like semi hibernating. Like he was just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not eating as much, wasn't as active, was constantly seeking like the cooler part of his cage to just like sleep. He just slept most of the day and stuff. And then at like, literally like at this certain cutoff point,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next day he was just like boom, he was like back active, like awake, like running around more, eating a lot more and stuff. It was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's weird. I don't, I'm always amazed by like small animals and how they know how to do stuff. It is nuts. I know. I like even like guinea pigs. Like they, they know how to do everything they need to do within like an hour of being born. It's insane. Like I, I don't understand. Like it's, it's a miracle. It's pretty crazy. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knows how to not get eaten by other animals, hopefully. Uhm, and uhm, he knows that he needs to exercise and that's it. Like that, there's nothing else. He doesn't need company, doesn't, I don't think he would give a shit if there was another tortoise in there or not. Like they're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not like, uh, pack animals or anything. They don't have like a social network that, you know, we don't understand or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They made at a certain time of year, like they hibernated a certain time of year. Done. That's it. Just like small little brain with these little things. You're, you're ready to go. It's amazing. It's, it's, it's really fascinating the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you can't, they have to be a certain size before you can tell what sex they are as well, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He can swing either way. He doesn't mind. We say he because we've just sort of assume wrongly. I know it's 2020 that it's a guy, but for now it's fine. I don't think Terry minds much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, if Terry turns out to be a girl, cool. You know, like, no, well, it'll be she instead. Or, you know, Terry might not identify as either. So, so, so let's say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you do is, okay, you have a, you have your pet tortoise and you have your eight year old son. In order to have a fun time camping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You simply need to buy a cool tent. I mean, one that's easy to deploy as well. You don't want to be spending too much time setting up a tent. You want to get there. You want to get the tent set up. You want to get your sleeping bags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Set up as well, ready to go so that, you know, you have a comfortable place to lay down and, uh, stare at the ceiling of your tent, because that's pretty much all you're going to do the whole weekend. And, uh, once that's set up, you want to bring along with you some of those plastic army men, you know, with the little bases, uh, like, uh, below their feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they, they can like, uh, you can buy a big tub of those. You buy a big tub of those. Okay. And then what you do is, uh, you find a nice spot to camp really remote as well. Portage recommended. Honestly, you get, put everything you need for like a weekend or a week into a canoe. So that's like a cooler with like, uh, bring like drink powder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you could just get like a, you could just get like a filter and drink like water right from the lake or, or bring your own fresh water, it's fine as well. Uhm, and then bring like, you know, like, uh, you know, like powdery stuff to like mix so you can make juice or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, because you're just gonna be cooking on a fire, you know, you put everything into tin foil and just like hold it over the fire, let it warm up and that's, that's what you're gonna be eating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you want to eat like fish, if you know how to clean fish, you can do some fishing because you'll have your canoe and presumably some fishing rods and stuff too. And then as long as the weather is nice, all you do the whole time is you sit around and you read books. You can bring a hammock that you can set up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can lay in that bitch and read some books. Your son can read some books as well. Or you can like, uh, you can learn how to make fires. You can, uh, you can set up your army men in a really cool like, uh, display.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been doing it since the dawn of time. It's like a tried, tested and true way of getting food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so, I mean, it's definitely been passed down, like your generations and generations of your previous, uh, people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, it's, it's not, it's not hard. No, it's fun. Fishing is great fun. It is not hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I won't. It's like a fucking time vacuum. I was watching, I was watching, uh, Dave Chappelle, one of Dave Chappelle's, uh, stand up things. He's talking about drugs. I don't know if you guys have seen it. It's the one where he's like, imagine how much pressure you'd be under if your landlord was also a crack addict. And then you just like turn up at like three in the morning. He's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He needs to get some more crack. And then he tells a story about how he, how he did mushrooms this one time. Cause he's like, the thing was about drugs and he was saying,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't do anything above weed. It's like weed is fine, but like anything above weed, don't do it. He's like, I tried mushrooms at a party one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, and he was saying that uh, you know, he planned out his day as if he was, as if it was weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you know, I'm just going to have a shower, go get my hair cut and then go see a movie or whatever. So he ate the mushrooms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had a shower, went to get his haircut and just started tripping out like while he was getting his haircut, like the barber looked like a penis and like, and all this stuff. It was pretty funny. And then he was like, ha, he's like, thought it would be like weed where he'd be like, okay, I won't be high for that long. Let me do a couple of things and like become un-high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's like, so, so I thought I'm going to listen to some music. So he listened to every CD he had and still, he was still high after it. He's like, all right, I'll go take a little nap. See if I can like shrug it off. Slept.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woke up, still high. He's like, ah fuck, maybe I just do some exercise. So I ran around the block four times and he's like, still high. Like before he did all this, he looked at his watch. It was like two 30. He gets back from his run. He's like, it's two 35.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did all this stuff and it's like five minutes have passed. So yeah, no. It's, yeah. Don't do mushrooms. Well. And go fishing. Unless it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're inspecting your bunch of bananas and fucking Prince Philip is in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I ate a banana the other day for the first time in a long time and I gotta say it was good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I miss bananas. They're really nice. They're the cornerstone of a fruit salad and a smoothie to me. You need to have them. I can't imagine a smoothie without banana in it. I think it's just like a good base.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a humdinger of a dessert, isn't it? I mean, you just know you're going to be in paradise in 2.5. It's too much though. Like every time I've had a banana split, I can't eat the whole thing. And like I'm fairly fat and I still can't finish the banana split. It's too much. It's like a black forest ghetto. I don't know if you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's where the French have it nailed. You know, like their food, the portion sizes are pretty good and then you get this like little dessert that's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you guys mums ever, you know, the bananas go all like dark and mushy and stuff and then did they ever make like muffins or cake or anything with them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you got campfire, you're cooking up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like in Indiana Jones. They did a lot of the work in that too, you know, when he's finding the template doom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These temples have been in our jungles for centuries and this fucking clown turns up with his dumb hat and his western ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I guess yeah, it was either, it was either Indiana Jones or Nazis. So which one do you pick? Cause like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't think the Nazis enlisted the, uhm, the Indians or who, or the locals to do the caravan. Because like, in most of the Indiana Jones movies, the Nazis just would turn up everywhere with a lot of trucks and a lot of boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They weren't visiting like a town of dung huts and, um, you know, eating the sweet nectar out of a pile of dung or whatever. They just brought all their own stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I remember that. Maybe, yeah. But I don't think those local people were up for the digging, you know? They were probably forced to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whereas Indiana Jones probably would have said like, you know, he would have rallied them to the cause sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Yeah. But Nazis aren't like that. You know, they're like, you will do see digging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, it gets like diluted. Yeaah, down into the fish's face. Nah, it's fine honestly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You always shit, um, downstream, right? So that, cause if you shit upstream, then the poop is going to come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bill Gates is uh, like, like the biggest like philanthropist in the world, isn't he? He's like, he's donated a lot of his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he doesn't have that money just sitting in an account where he can just write a check and say, here you go, here's my donation. Like his net worth is, you know, it's, it's over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lewis would ace that too. That's the reality show for Lewis, I think. That's the one he would excel at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All those shows like big brother and the one where they have to like, they can't sleep for a week and stuff and like doing experiments and stuff. Put everybody into a house with tons of cocaine and just see what happens. And, and that's a reality show. Just call it like cocaine house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to see. I want them in a house where there's nothing. Okay. There's no TV. There's nothing to do. All there is is bags of cocaine on a table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started watching the show last night, talking about kind of like a game show or whatever. It's on BBC2, it just started last week I think. And it's called, uh, Winning the Wilderness or something like that. And, uh, it's about this couple, this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Randomly found like a mountain and named the mountain after himself and built his own house on it. This, it took him years. Like it was like, you know, those videos on YouTube of the guy building the mud huts and whatever in, in, in the wilderness. It was like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's built this beautiful house, uh, like all, all handcrafted. Him and his wife, he met his wife like a couple of years into it or whatever. She moved out there and, and, and they just, they're in their seventies now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, this super remote house is like hundreds of miles from anything. There's no roads, nothing. The only thing they have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes it so that they can actually get supplies to and everything is they by hand made a landing strip like an airstrip because a town like 200 miles from them has this little hub of like, you know, four seater planes that to get to like these remote areas around this part of Alaska.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So every once in a while they can get stuff, I don't know what, maybe medicine and shit like that. But like, they've got like a vegetable patch, greenhouse, like they hunt, like you know what I mean? Like they just live this super, super natural life in this house that they built.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're kind of old and it's, it's getting harder for them to do it. So they've decided that they want to give it away to somebody like another couple who can like continue on their legacy. So there's like six British couples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but this, it's not stunts, it's like, it's like survival stuff, like yesterday they had to, uhm, they had to learn how to make a, a fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be rough. Like again, I don't know if that I'd want to, as much as I in my mind think I could do that, you know, I don't want to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you, what are you going to do for your midlife crisis? I've already done mine. I've been playing a lot of Overwatch. Mushrooms. Yeah, mushrooms are a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's start, can we get some gentle harp music and like some sparkly sounds like we're in a fairy kingdom? Uh, that would be a nice opening I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 19% of the women apparently that attend have an enormous bosom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, big question, big question. You turn up at a renaissance fair that doesn't allow fantasy in full centaur cosplay, what do they do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do they say, I'm sorry, you're gonna have to leave?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should work at Renaissance Fire, I'm amazing at this. Mead not weed, Somerset in Somerset, I'm on fire here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had the longest staff you've ever seen. The staff on this guy, you wouldn't believe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't that busy. It's mainly a restaurant that serves haunches, to use Lewis's word earlier, of meat that just comes in like, blam, there's chicken on your plate, like a huge slab of great chicken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big, big pints of beer and you watch knights farting about and you watch some falconry and some swordplay and that's pretty much it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's on the, it's in the, it's in the 10th and 11th of July next year. 10th to 11th July next year, Tewksbury. We'll do it. We should fully do that. Okay. What are we gonna go as? I'm gonna go as an Orc.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I am, yeah. I mean, because people, we've got our cleaner here today for the first time since lockdown and we've got, our dog walker started again this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, I have. Cause I don't wanna have the clean, I'd rather stream. Stream, not clean. You know what I mean? And I just feel like, if I wanna get a cleaner once a week, and she does some ironing as well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I got him from the Sommelia Slave Guild, so, uh, the Sommelias, you know, they hire these guys out and that's it. You've got an indentured Sommelia for the rest of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, we've got the childminders, and the nanny, so, and the au pair. We have three au pairs actually. Right. Just because I like them. I like au pairs. You like looking at them. I just keep them around the house, yeah.