[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sucking on my mom's tits, dude. It is the shit. It's sweeter than a mango. I draw pictures of her tits. I touch her tits when I wake up. I mean, who fucking does that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dad is like, I like them teddies too. Like that milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I switched it. I didn't know what it was. I didn't know what it was! It says drank too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So describe what you're seeing. Uhm, there's a big pile, like a mud hill, just a mound of dirt and mud, and this guy is forcefully fisting it, it seems like. Oh, and now he's lowering his, uh, speedo, and he is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's laying on the mud and the dirt. And he is, uh, thrusting it now. He's humping it. Where is this from? Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kinda does look like Ari, and it's also something that I think Ari would do. Oh, he's done. I respect it though. I respect it. I respect this guy more than the breastfeeding lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, honestly, there's like a 45% chance that's Ari.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like we haven't punched in, I don't know. There is a chance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not seeing it. Maybe, I thought it was kind of wet. Is it that wet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, like, how worked up is he? Maybe he's backed up for a couple weeks, you know, and he's just, he was like, I gotta fu- like, he saw these people walking around, he was like, no one's gonna fuck me here, let's just go fuck that hill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because women are stupid and they don't invent things. They're not, you know, innovators.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeah. People are unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to sell tickets to it. If you don't mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean they're just passing by and, I mean if they come watch me fuck a sandwich in a hotel room, it feels a lot more intimate, it's like I'm, I want you to, this is like, people are gonna go, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a little bit. You know what this actually looks like? I know I'm looking at it again. This kind of looks like the, the, I feel like this is like the Rat King, like Theo's video. This guy has a similar look. Let me go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, Rick wouldn't even have to pull out the turkey slicer. That shit would just, you roast it from the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, look, T cell counts about seven. You need to fucking eat some vitamins, bro, before you come talk shit to Rick. This shit is over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like, uh, like a, they cut up a sandwich container from a grocery store and like taped it together on her chest and face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a bit much, but that's how much they want you to come buy shit at their store. They're like, we will overkill this so that you feel safe. Oh wow. That's definitely what's going on. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should point out that many people may have seen this when it originally aired because people were talking about it like it's new. It's not new. It's new on Netflix, but it did air last year on A&E I think. So I remember seeing little snippets of it last year. I didn't watch it. So I just finished it and I thought he cried a lot after episode one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's unbelievable. Have you finished it? Have you watched it? It is unbelievable how much this guy cries. I'm not kidding you. He cries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean at par- like look, cry- I'm not saying like, you know, crying is healthy. Some things make you emotional and you cry. It's a little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Off putting that you're like everything makes you like he talks about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Growing up and being, you know, when he reminisces about family life, cries. Talks about his dad. Anytime he talks about his dad, cries. Anytime he talks about his mom, cries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talks about writing a song, cries. Talks about his children, cries. Talks about his wife, cries. Talks about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, what a fan interaction was like. Cries. Talks about being on this tour. Cries. Talks about not being sure how the tour would go. Cries. Talks about that it was a huge success. Cries. Talks about the Hall of Fame. Cries. Talks, I mean, it's just a lot. It's every single thing makes you cry. I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know he was that emotional. I really didn't. I will give him props on something. I think, honestly, I think he's a wonderful father.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, yes, if you watch it, you go like, he's a really, really great dad. I mean, you could just tell that he really adores his daughters. They interview the kids and you could tell that they genuinely love him. And you know, when he retired,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After this massive tour, it was late 90s, early 2000s and he was like a huge, you know, at the peak of his career and things were going sideways at home with his wife, his first wife and kids. So he moved to Oklahoma and, uh, he didn't work, like didn't tour, didn't record for 14 years just to raise his kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, so the parents divorced and they saw their kids, they lived in the same town


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The kids would switch houses every night. They talk about it in the, in the special, but they, the whole thing was that the kids would see both parents every morning and every night. So what happened was that they spent the night at the mother's house. Dad would pick them up in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then he talked about, like, they were wondering how, when he announced his tour, his first tour back, they were like, well, who knows if they'll still buy tickets. You know? Oh, right, so there's that. It had been, like, over a decade and a half. And they announced the tour, and it was, like, bigger than ever before. It was better. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? The crying thing is so intense. It's usually, I feel like you would watch a show like this and one of those things I brought up would make you cry. Maybe talk about your children or your parents who are no longer here. I get that. You know? Yea, this is from the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was real cute by the way. When he met her, like they showed the photo, she was really cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I'm kind of fascinated that somebody would do this. I mean, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy. That's interesting. She's so happy. She really is. What's it say underneath? Like does it, is there an article? Yeah, what does she say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think this is a mentally ill person. I think we can, uh, we can close our tab now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, he did point out that he, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to deal with my TikTok life, and then later, my daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's probably chicks out there who are like, hmm, that's pretty cool the way you belched in your mouth and kept talking in that video about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other people. By the way, I love, like, I'm a natural flirt and that's not gonna change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's still interesting in and of itself. I wouldn't say that that's necessarily a tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's probably thinking like, I take pretty impressive shits and people need to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You also love that he, like, he's like, this will get them to lap it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's really cool. He picked a good angle for his face too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have money. I'll lick your puss. I'm shirtless. I'm in shape. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now I'm like, oh, did you just do your first procedure? Was that day one? He's like, no, I've been going for about 16 weeks. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's gonna keep hurting. He was like, that really got to me. And they're gonna dial it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, we watch him for 10 seconds, this motherfucker gets up and probably forgets sometimes, you know? I'm sure he forgets, like he'll walk down the street and he's like, ah, there's a fucking coffee place, walks in, hey, can I get in there, he sees people go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you guys be like, oh yeah, my fucking face. I did all this shit to my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every guy's been out with someone like that, you know? Every guy, it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he is like, if this fucking bitch gets off her wheelchair, you're fighting her. I'm not going to beat up this old lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're wildly obese, they're on motorized carts with Trump flags and an American flag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three hundred and eighty pound people, and they're just like, uuuh, rolling down. Like, I don't know how they got down. And then what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did you do with your stimulus check? Did you spend it? Yeah, that's what pump sent you. I know, it's so weird. Cool thing. Cool talking point. Begin your stimulus check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno. That's such a sweet old person thing to say. I wanna go dancing with someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one really says, like, let's go dancing. That's another, by the way, it reminded me, remember when we talked to my dad about his cool flirting techniques? One time, I remember I made the mistake of, I was talking to him, I was in college, and I go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you know, you have like your own thing where you're like, this is things I share and these are things I don't. And then I just let my guard down and I was like, yeah, you know, I went out with this girl, but then I, I, uh, whatever. I just didn't call her and now I regret it. And you know, it's been a while and blah, blah. Like I just shared with him and he's like, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you call her? And I go, what do you mean? Tell her, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, what would I say? Call her and say, you know, I think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, you want me to say that? Well, say it how you want to say it. I go, you're a nice gal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They look great. They look great. They look great. That's amazing. She looks very pretty. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it could be something else, could be, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think so. I don't think that that guy knows what the fuck he's talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I'll talk to my doctor about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think I'm Asperger's? No, not at all. Uhm, I know somebody who's, well we both know a couple people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember I, you know, I gave a speech when I was in high school that if somebody is bothersome to you, you can just kill them. And it was in the, uh, it was a speech contest and I got to the finals. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when I gave the speech at the finals, it was in front of a lot of people, and there was a little more eyeballs kinda looking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still have that speech. Why don't you read it? I should grab it, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It was like straight up, you should just murder people all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just like, when people are, the gist of it was basically, if I was uhm, 15 or 16.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I basically said, you know, people always complain about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This person and that person. This person makes me feel badly. This person's in the way. This person is stopping from getting a promotion. I go, you could just kill them. You know? And then I just gave all the, I go, there's so many different ways you can kill people. Right. So I just started talking about, you know, you could poison people, stab them, shoot them, hit them with a car, beat them with a pipe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I was amazed with was like the first teacher that saw me give it in that first class was laughing hysterically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, he was like, I'm supposed, he was supposed to pick, I think one, maybe one or two people to go to the next round. And then when he told me, he was like, you're definitely, I was like, and he was like, yeah. So then I went to the next round and did it. And then they're like, you're in the finals now and the finals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was in front of the entire school, all the teachers, everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the kid in front of us, the kid who went in front of me was, I was a sophomore, he was a senior, and he explained what E equals MC squared means. Oh. Right? So he's like, E equals MC squared is, often thought like, what does that actually mean? I still remember his name was Josh Robinson, he gave that speech.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they were like, okay. And he explains it and I got up there and I go, wasn't Josh's speech boring?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. There's one last one. Ready? Yeaah. Last one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would defend your honor just like that. Shirtless, laying down. My wife, uh, I'm gonna defend her honor. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. This was a lot of fun today. Yeah, it was a good time. I had a really good time. Thank you guys for watching, for listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, please check out merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura. Also, uhm, I will shortly be announcing, I think, uh, perhaps a return to the stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very excited about. I'm just waiting on confirmation before I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Polly and I'm bi. I'm on a fluid bond with Jessie and I hope you guys will come watch. Uhm, excited about that. And uhm, I know, should be fun. Thank you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye, Rudy. Bye, Janes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how much laser treatment costs, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up white people and the rest of you motherfuckers? I'm starting a trend. Look what I got. One, two,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was one, you used to get really mad. It was Santa Monica Boulevard, those ones. You used to get so mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of wall is this behind him? Is that a... Closet or a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm assuming he's in, he's in custody now, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Youtube is trying to f**k our chef. Like that. We've got to do that. Film it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, one of my favorite things about being Pauly is just watching people minds go boom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's one of my favorite things about being Polly. Walking down the street, holding her hand while she's holding his hand, giving her a kiss and then watching him give her a kiss and people just kind of looking blank. What just happened? Did he and he, they're not killing each other? Hmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is part two, mostly because I've been sending this video out to a lot of my friends and someone been texting me back being like, dude, uhm, this is not showing you guys in a very positive light. You know, they're making friends with your girlfriend or husband.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putting, you know, this whole community down. And I'm like, dude, whether they're talking good about us or they're talking bad about us, they're still talking about us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my favorite things about being poly is just watching people minds go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're making fun of your girlfriend or husband, putting, you know, this whole community down. And I'm like, dude, whether they're talking good about us or they're talking bad about us, they're still talking about us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, they're like, their stomach's huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to work with big cocks, but not a cock like that. I mean that cock was just amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I am not too proud to admit that sometimes people do things in haste and I was in a different mindset when I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Further in life, and, you know, if I had to do over again, that would transition years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing it in conjunction with other facial feminization surgeries like lip augmentation. I can't say lip today. Lip augmentation. Cheek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mom's house did not make me a STAR as you claim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was popular on Coney Island. I was popular on Broadway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good afternoon and welcome to Lucifer's Lair. I'm your host, Robert Paul Champagne, Hard Rock Bob, ready to do anything you want to do at 23.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Segura, and Potter, and Dr. Drew. Well, I'm really not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not in the best shape because I really don't plan to stay here for all my life. I wish he opened up his ears and listened to people, but he didn't open up his ears and listened. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mom's house did not make me a STAR as you claim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was popular on Coney Island. I was popular on Broadway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I was playing very popular Disco Studio for 54, and I knew, I knew Cher, I knew, uh, Liza Minnelli, and Paul, and all these celebrities were around, so I was very popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Dr. Drew was analyzing me, I was analyzing him. And no, Dr. Drew, I'm not lonely, I'm not desperate, I'm not unhappy, I'm not looking for something that's not out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So don't go say Tom's such a great guy and gave this a ga-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the computer he gave and anything. I took the, I took, I took the, uh, phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To answer your question people, don't think that they're so great and they love you. They like to poke fun. It was said to me, I thought they were great. Somebody email me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dr. Drew has a small head, big body, too much, and he does not look good. I don't think Dr. Drew is sexy. I'm very sorry. I really don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you don't think Tom is great, and Josh is great, and Dr. Drew is great, Pruszynski, you could have him!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I moved on. I, I mean, I love everybody out there. You wanna talk, you talk, you don't, you don't. But hey, I moved on. So, I'm gonna be back a little later on, make some coffee, and we'll chit chat, and I love you all, and don't be fooled by, oh, oh woof, and sheep clothing. That's your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a hole in my heart and a burn on my head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pissed jug in hand, in a cold yellow tub Well there ain't no proto for a man's broken heart


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Double agents live hard and their hearts can't explode. As double agent went down at the side of the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes star burns too bright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I imagine that members of his team are gonna be spending a lot of time preparing for the next debates, uh, trying to figure out how to, you know, deliver those kinds of concise answers that you need to, uhm, if you're going to be competitive on those stages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really good. He's got it all, man. Don't care. Don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now let's talk about my Instagram ad heads. I'm on a roll today because women are fucking stupid. Yes. Okay, they're fucking stupid. Yes. Okay? I don't understand why it's so difficult for good guys to meet a fucking sane woman. I don't understand why every woman's a fucking stupid idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I noticed that you have a huge presence on social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have people that have joined our apprentice program over the decades. Apprentice program. These are apprentices that come on generally as teenagers, live on the preserve, many of whom have stayed on for decades themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Open it high. Open it high and do what? Open it high. And do what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am baby girl every day. Almost all day. From the time I wake up till a few hours before I go to bed, I'm in little space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the behavior chart is, is I get three check marks a day. Green for good behavior, yellow for warnings, or red for bad behavior. And based on how many you have, daddy sets out a punishment or he lets you pick out a reward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And come back, with no limbs, if it meant that that would guarantee me an ugly fat chick for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nina Dallen, uhm, you're awesome. We all love you, baby. Thing is, is this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Let me take a look on my phone. Yeah, I think it was just that you sent it on iCloud and then you sent it as an actual attachment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So although a hooker will do whatever you want, that doesn't solve Josh's problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, I think, like, these hookers are pretty good at roleplay, right? I mean, they are professionals. Maybe they-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, you're saying, Tom should take him to his first prostitute, and before he busts, be like, no wait, Josh, stop, I'm gonna take you to the next one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so this is a video of, uh, of a guy. There's no volume on this. So Christina, I want you to give a play by play of what's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check this part out. This is the professional move. Hold on. Hold on. Checking his phone like nothing happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cannot check my phone, I cannot look anything, my face looks like I just shit myself. This guy is a pro. He's done this before, and he knows that the move is to just look on your phone. You know, if the smell doesn't hit you, how could it not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this guy's gone through enough trial and error to know this is the path of least resistance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you go to merchmethod.com slash TomSagura, you'll see everything that we have for sale. Two bears, one cave shirts, tour shirts, posters, hats, wear the bodies G shirts, Dr. Drew after dark shirts. Just so much stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey you, stop scrolling. I need to tell you one thing. Every single video I put out, people are asking me if those are sharpies or markers. These are actual tattoos, okay? Let's put this out. These are real. Now you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you something, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. What about, and could you rank the people you've missed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I found myself re-listening to our, I don't really listen to our show a whole bunch, but just cause I missed you and I missed our dynamic on the show and the guys and I was re-listening to Robert Paul Champagne and ejaculate on YouTube. I really, I really enjoyed it. It was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you, it is flying off the shelves and I designed this shirt with the mom bod in mind. You'll notice it's very, very soft. The neckline, it's a scoop neck because everybody looks better in that. The sleeve cuts at the least fattest part of your arm and the length is perfect and it doesn't, it's not tight on your tummy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I like about this is that he managed to make tic-tac-toe sexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, how much to get Eddie to wear a Nick Cannon turban.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, cause Drew is jacked. He looks amazed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's not the right platform for this kind of information.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's a shirtless, larger gentleman. He's got a really hefty second chin that's resting on his chest. You don't even see his neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is amazing, and he's kinda hairy. He's very rotund, he's got thick eyebrows. I don't know what the teeth situation is like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what is it? Is this just like, is he on the spectrum? Is he artistic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My TikTok feed, generally it's for shut-ins and people that are generally marginalized in society, but now that they've found an outlet, it's like special for them to keep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm upset this guy's not on TikTok. I feel like I'd follow him. I know a lot about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, John Travolta has been doing the social media thing, uh, on Instagram. And I just love it when, like, older people don't know how to do social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, it's, I don't know, it's the most unnatural. Can we see the videos? Cause he'll be like, hi. Oh, we've played some of his. Yea, I know, I know. It's just getting weirder. There's like the family vacation stuff. And his vacations are not like our vacations, you know? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's so embarrassing. Do you ever feel so embarrassed for somebody? Like it hurts. Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but doesn't John Travolta have a ni- I don't know. I thought- I don't know. He's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go up, up, up to the vacation stuff with his fa- up, uh, further up. No, no. I mean, look at him and he's having a vacation. He's on a yacht. Yeah, it's great. But he's gotta do the meet and greet in Tampa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep going. Yeah, I mean, what is this? Now he's riding a camel in Dubai or whatever. Falconry is one of the biggest sports in Dubai. Like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And buy, you know, a pumpkin for Halloween for his kids. Like that's, that is over for you. Like imagine not even being able to go and go to Starbucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so true. That is so true. Like Magical Johnson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I remember Magical was drinking, uhm, these like shakes, that they, that were just an astronomical amount of money per shake, and they're like these cocktails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's got like a uranium from Russia. Yeah. And it kept him alive. I'm telling you these, it was some cocktail that he would be taking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I don't know how I could. How? What do you mean? Babe, that's kind of unforgivable. Why? You're immune. That's lucky though, that's just a coinkydink. What if I weren't?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just relax. Babe, you would murder me and the guy that gave it to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Who would die first, the guy who gave it to me or me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's crazy, but he said that he told these women that he was having sex with, that he was HIV positive, and then put them under the care of his doctors.


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[Assistant] I mean that's like a whole- that's a level of rich and famous delusion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm not sure what the inappropriate laugh was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a level, like, like you were saying, of fame and delusion, where nobody has said anything remotely negative. Like, you know when they're, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm an artist. And that's when you really believe this nonsense that you're an artist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of pre- playing make believe. Yeaah. Playing pretend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and don't forget too, a very attractive man, that is a superpower. Like women get hit on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Constantly, we get sexual attention all the time, but when a man gets it, they don't even know what to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, but this made a big splash. Everybody was talking about this video because it was so nutty. He's already got 1.7 million followers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no one cares. Well, some crazy guy on TikTok could say that, and you're like, this guy's out of his fucking mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait to see the finished product that you've been rehearsing and can't wait to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked at the sweat lodge one, it was really funny, and I heard a rumor that you were talking shit about Leanne and I, at the sweat lodge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a real gift. We're really excited to watch you. So also, in the time we were gone, uhm, Emma Watson came out with an announcement, and I'm sure you guys have heard this. She said that she's self-partnered, uhm, and not in a relationship. She is self-partnered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a bummer because I really like her and I think she's stunning and talented. But it's, is it, is it ironic? Do you think she meant it jokey jokes? Or this is a real, oh it's earnest? Oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the problem with, with what's happening in today's world too is that you can't even call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's how to go from single to self-partnered. First of all, I didn't, I wasn't aware it was really a negative thing being single. I never took it that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and I think it's cool more now than ever to be single and like hook up and be on the apps and whatnot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I can't wait to hear all about Europe and your guys doing stuff. So good. Uhm, oh, one thing I wanted to bring up too is uhm, when we were apart, Rick Okasek, the singer of The Cars, passed away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. She really loved him. She must really have loved him. It was like when Julia Roberts was with Lyle Lovett, remember? People flipped out. Oh my gosh. But anyway, so he dies at 75 years old. They were together for like 30 years and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They separated three years prior to his death and he did not leave her a penny. And wrote it's because quote, she abandoned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, and they had a, they had like a nice


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Divorce or whatever, a separation. They were still in contact with each other. It didn't sound like it was contentious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think there was another man? Maybe that's why he's so... Probably. Like, that's the only time I think men get real, uh, uh, malicious. Yeah. And vindictive is when there's somebody else that she's banging. Yeah. There must have been some, some dick. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I don't, I guess I can't see getting that resentful to somebody you had, you know, children with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, like I'm trying to think what you could do. You'd have to have a serious affair with some fucking bitch. And then, yeah, I would fucking kill you then. I'd stab you, I'd take your children, definitely. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's back it up because our kid got it. Ellis got stomach, he woke up with a stomach bug one night. And then two days later, Julian, the baby gets sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get sick a few hours later, but meanwhile you're flying across the world. And I'm fine. And you're fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, because it's a different kind that had it too, the stomach virus. It's different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a hose of caca just coming out and it doesn't even hurt. It's not like food diarrhea.


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[Assistant] Yeah, cause their culture's awesome. They have every right to protect it. It's really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you find, cause like, I, every time I go to Hungary and then like I'll go further west, it just gets more and more...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Civilized? Is that what I'm saying? Is that the word? Or just more conscientious and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we gotta go back. Wait, but hold on, before we move into the other parts of Europe, I don't know if you're gonna use this joke in your special that you told about this and Hungary. How, how, you know, give a rip. Would you say it a lot? I just want you to say it. Such a good joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Amsterdam is where hookers are and stuff.


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[Assistant] Have you officially titled it that? I have, I've called my dates that. His dates are, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the outside, yeaah. She doesn't want your, yeaah, your nasty fingers in her. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really interesting point, like a guy who has no interest in the woman's experience sounds like whatsoever, like kind of an evil piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came for like 24 hours. Yea, you were there just for a day and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was very attractive in her video. Now when you saw her in person...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, well hold on, well let's start from the beginning. So, you fly to, what, Buffalo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then what, he- I was trying to keep my dick on. Oh, okay. And then does he kiss you? Like, does he lean in and you're like, oh my god, here it comes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And were you, were you, you were like awesome? Was he a good kisser? Is Josh a good kisser? Yes, actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're Frenching, is there a lot of hand action? Did you touch his D at this point? Were you pleased with the D size?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so what happened? So you guys are doing it, you're doing intercourse, and so what happens?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she's giving him a beach and then she blows him and then what stops and then you finish the rest. I see. Okay. So that was a loving assist in the industry. Partial credit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say Jackie did, yea, you got partial credit. Yea. For that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it wasn't until the next morning, once you've established some kind of rapport and trust with Jackie and you weren't fully fucked up, I'm assuming you didn't wake up and get hammered again. No. That you could probably trust her enough, at least to give her partial credit. Yeah, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think that Jackie got you, it sounds like Jackie got you, like you said, it's partial credit, she got you hard, she got you almost there. Do you think if she continued giving you BJ longer, maybe you could've?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is that? Is it because of the grip, the firm hold, the pacing of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Through the month of December now and November and then 2020 I start kicking off the ride or die tour continues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] January 9th through 11th, Austin, Texas at Cap City Comedy Club. January 30th through February 1st.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Houston Improv, February 14th and 15th, Tampa Improv, and then that Make Good on the October 25th date that I was vomiting is now March 7th. So all tickets will be honored if you bought tickets to October 25th, uh, on March 7th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] March 13th to 14th, Miami, Florida, and then the Addison improv in Dallas. Jew dork titties, April 3rd through 4th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Des Moines, Iowa, and late April at the Funny Bone, and then stand up live in Phoenix June 12th and 13th. I'm trying to see the day. It's behind the camera. Christina P online for tickets. Follow me on the gram at TheChristinaP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, I mean, just, I feel like I'm feeding off of your guys' relationship energy. It might not be new, so maybe oh, are you, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has a, he has a Prince Albert. That's why you see a little thing that's sparkling behind the blur.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think my features would translate the easiest out of anyone in the studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I already dress pretty nice. Uh huh. I feel like that translates pretty well. Sure. Uh, I just thought, all of it, and also, uh, I don't know, like I think me with long hair, I just think like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's first place? Yeah. Okay. Oh, from top to bottom. Okay, so, I mean, I'm first. Jesus. Oh my god, you're delusional. No, no, no, no. Go ahead, keep going. Uh, so I'm first, uh, I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard to say between Chris and Annie who's in second place, but that's second and third right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, but it's just like, you'd be like a supermodel, like someone where if you see you on the street, you'd be like, I'd never be into that, but then you see them with makeup and some photoshop, you're like, god damn, I think that's it. It's a real trans woman, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, so, if, if we're, if Potter's transitioning, uh, like, there's just a lot of maintenance that he needs to stay on top of to keep out of the bottom. Like, how often is he gonna shave his shoulders? How often is he gonna trim his hair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's hairy as shit too. Your eyes are better? Wow. That's it, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep on feathering it brother. The families need closure G, I know you're following your proto, but the families deserve it. It's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Tiger King! Oh, that's funny, they had to call it that, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if it's in Canadian, I know that the driver I think is Indian or, or Hindu.


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[Assistant] I'll touch base with him, I'll see if that's him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More than a hundred bucks to do something like that. Like it's, that's one of those things where I think like the tattoo rates go for like somewhere between like eighty bucks an hour's low end. And then up to like two hundred, you know, depending on who it is. This guy did not spend two hundred an hour, I don't think. But I'd say that's at least half a day worth of work, maybe more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but uh, like, you know, they want them hanging out with other Jews that are like them, so there's no one really making sure that accent goes away. Which is why they all sound like immigrants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think this is one of those things where it's like a Jewish community is next to a golf course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and then, you know, people come that they see if they could like just scorch it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, if you have stuff left over, then you didn't give them a note.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, okay, so someone sent in a would you rather where they sent in a video of a world record holder, a female, I think, shot put or javelin thrower. Stick or ball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Sometimes I forget I have a uterus. And because of that sometimes I forget to take my testosterone. And when I forget to take my testosterone, I go take a poo-poop, and there's blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, oh no, but it's just a period.


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[Assistant] Just let me eat you one time, and you gon', I guarantee you, you gon', you gon' ask me to stay to your house. You gon', you gon' sleep for three days, my baby.


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[Assistant] Guess what? I can show you what time it is.


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[Assistant] Sure enough, I tell you, they got a man up above. I can cook for you, clean up your house. You heard me? Listen, when you come home, baby, you just gotta jump in, ju- jump in the tub with all them bubbles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cool mom sold out several times. Ahem. I'm wearing it today to show it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And varsity mom is also in stores. It is a hoodie for the winter times. I like to wear it at drop off for the kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that wa- is that called being wall-eyed? When one go- one guy- one eye goes this way, one eye goes that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just watched Goodfellas again. It's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, are you, are you finished with it? I know it's a three hour epic.


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[Assistant] That's too bad because he really screwed his face up. Oh yeaah, he looks good. Now he looks just old, which is fine. This is how you should look, yeaah. Right. Yeaah, he's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I wanna watch the Godfather movies as well, but I don't have two or three days to waste.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's Eddie Murphy. I think, I think it's the magic of Eddie Murphy as a performer. He is, I can watch Eddie Murphy. I saw him with the Jerry Seinfeld, the comedians and cars getting coffee. I'm locked on him. There's something so, talk about charisma. The guy is so engaging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember Beverly Hills comp, you know, you're not gonna fall for the banana in the tailpipe? He just has a way of making lines memorable too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, when every time a vacation comes on, vacation or Christmas vacation, I'll watch that. Ferris Bueller's Day off, I'll watch that. Unreal. That's a good one too. Matthew Roderick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. Is she a TikToker? I feel like I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, we only even have to put the call out there, but you know that here come the remixes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just needs to meet Prince. Yeah, like it's kind of the same theme. Prince is like- Yo Prince! Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do have to maintain, uh, your pussy a lot though. There's a lot of maintenance that goes into having a healthy vagina. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember getting that AIDS test in the 90s. Remember the first ti- Did you really not do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was, it was really at the height of hysteria in the 90's. I remember like, oh god, in college getting an AIDS test.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men are so dumb, but you're the reason that that shit spreads, because you guys don't get treated much like the pussy scratchy lady. You give it to people. How about this beatboxer? Do you like having his still image up here? I was hoping we could take it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He should be on the talk, I don't know why he doesn't have an account.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think he gets laid? Yeaah. How many of your friends had STDs in college?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crabs? Not even crabs? No. What about you pigs in the booth? Crabs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any? Not yet? Josh, is Josh in there? That's Chris. Josh, have you had crabs yet? I feel like you would. What did you have? Chlamydia?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the sniffs, like, you shouldn't be stinky, that's probably an infection. It shouldn't really be itchy, that's probably an infection. And the warts can be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And her vag smel- you think your crotch smells like a treat after you've been dancing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm saying your pussy probably stinks too. Yeah. Hell yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we show this one to Drew? Put this on the next Doctor Drew episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only thing that's upsetting me is I wish you would have turned on the interior light sooner because I wanted to see it from the beginning. I like to see when the hair is longer and now it's all gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he is on another planet. This guy is on Neptune, man. What's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a lot shocks me on this show, but that was pretty amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, look at the picture on the roof. Look at the ceiling picture. That's a creative idea. His dog looks


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think he sniffs his nuts with those dirty hands?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like duct tape, uh, a circle. I don't know what he's doing there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when I thought about this a lot, when I saw it originally, like I was on her side at first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, here's the deal, man. I think it's a setup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really funny. Well, or sad and aggressive because she could have been really hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck. Alright, if I'm gonna be... Be honest. Okay, alright, alright. There's two areas. Carl's Jr. Western Bacon Cheeseburger with extra barbecue sauce and extra onion rings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, I asked the representative when I worked with McDonald's and she said it's a pork supply issue. They don't have enough pork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I love McRibs. Yeah. God damn, I love them. The sauce, felt like a sauce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's too much sauce though that McDonald's would not approve of that amount of sauce on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Big Mac's big enough that you could probably fit your balls and your dick inside of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] McDonald's. So good you wanna fuck the shit out of it. That's it. That's the campaign song. Ba da ba ba ba. We're fuckin' it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, if you're gonna do this to a McRib, you should ask for extra sauce because they normally don't come with this much Q sauce on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet a quarter pounder would be good too, cause they put a lot of ketchup on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was too fast, the pickup was too good in that car, and I felt it in my uterus. Like you know when you go so fast that you feel it in your... Do you ever feel it in your nuts? When you go on a roller coaster? Do you know what I'm talking about? When you feel it in your internal organs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I, there's things I don't like. I've never liked going fast. And so don't you know that by now after 7, 15 years together? I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You feel better about how you're driving. Thank you. It's really nice. Alan did a really nice job and it's very soft. Would you like to touch how soft it is? Despite I've been bleaching it since I was 13, it's soft like a rabbit. Don't pull on it, stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish you could do this with me. Let's do this together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to do this with you. This is what we look like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm more worried about the fan. Look how loosely that's just duct taped up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm confused because is this sexual? Are they gonna F? Or this is just- I don't think they're gonna- I don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish some, ugh, I wish I could just get fat. Don't you just wish you didn't have to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would weigh 400 pounds so easily. If I could eat all day, I would just eat all day. I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I just wanna eat everything I want to eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you could eat one thing every day, what would it be? Like what, what, what's your day like if you're just off the rails? Be honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do Eggs Benedict for breakfast. That's already the points. Like on Weight Watchers, that's like 21 points. That's your whole fucking day basically. And then I would do this, I would get a chocolate croissant for breakfast too. So that's my breakfast. Eggs Benedict, chocolate croissant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lunch is going to be a full deep dish pizza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only get the thing crust cause it's less calories, but I like a deep dish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I haven't eaten like an asshole since I was pregnant with Ellis. Like I wanna do a day where we wake up, I eat everything I want. Everything and there's no hold bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's also much younger, baby. He's in his twenties. You can't compare yourself to somebody in their twenties. It's not fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's not. You look much better than him. You look a lot better than him. You look like so much better than both of those guys. No way. No way, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well she used a big word, she said arcane. I don't think any, any guest has been that smart to use that word on our show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, December 19th in Sperm Bank, uh, my last night of residency at Flappair's in the Yoohoo room, and then we were all into 20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] January 30th through February 1st, Pouston, Texas at the Houston Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] March 7th, Pasadena at the Ice House. That's the make good from October 25th. March 13th through 14th, Doral, Florida at the Miami Improv. What's Miami? Cry Ami.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] April 24-25, Des Mois, Iowa, at Le Funny Bone, and- GET YOUR OFF-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then June 12th through 13th, Fartniks, Arizona, at Stand Up Live. Tickets are at Christina P. Online. Oh. Oh, is that the fart slow down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Toshi, it's an amazing unconventional gift for anybody in your life. Everyone has an ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone deserves the gift of Tushy. And I know you're thinking, why would I want to sit on something that cleans my butt completely? Why are you being weird about it? You know, do you know that most of the world uses a bidet? They do. It's just Americans that are weird about having clean butts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do. And Tushy sprays directly to your ass and removes the poop. Completely. So you're not sitting in, uh, bacteria all day. That leads to nasty things like hemorrhoids, yeast infections, UTIs, itchy assholes, and skids. B-T-W. Saves you money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you save money on toilet paper, it won't clog your toilets the way wipes do, which we just had an incident because somebody didn't use our tushy in the house. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and everybody goes, what about the water? It's toilet water. It's not toilet water. It's fresh water. Tushy connects to the water supply behind your toilet to spray your dirty pant, your dirty pants, your dirty parts with clean, fresh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fantastic, uh, deal. So go to hellotushy.com slash your mom to get 10% off your first order. Again, hellotushy.com slash your mom for 10% off your order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry to interrupt, that was very- Zankuu Chicken, every time, what did I say? After I have Zankuu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay yeaah, but you deal with probably hairless, uh, dolphin-like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom, my butt hole's still way cleaner than yours. Uh huh. Pretty hairless. I mean, maybe give it a little trim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aren't you, but what does it taste like, man butt? Aren't you afraid that you taste duty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just nailing you. Cause I imagine like, right? Like they have to get this cut. Okay, let's get this angle. And you're like, dude, my vag is gonna, you know, you only take so much. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because I see important, as a woman, I can always tell when there's a turning point for the actress, cause I'm like, dude, her vag is dry AF. I can see that it's just dry fucking her. Like, do you have to constantly, I'm not constantly, like I'm sure in the beginning, I mean, I don't know, how much luber are you using?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does it feel like to have your hand that far up? What are you feeling? You feeling intestine? Are you feeling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but then you get over that. You get over it. Okay. You get over it. That's normal. People just don't talk about that. But I think, uh- It is resent making.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's ideal. Have you ever dated anyone in porn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think psychologically like, I mean the lifestyle wise too, there is something similar, we're both kinda looking for approval maybe in different ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, hold on. So, okay, so these are the older men. What's the corniest thing you've ever had to say dialogue wise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I mean look, here's what I know about Chris is that he cooks for himself on the weekends. That's a good thing. There's a lot of self care in Chris's world. He always looks clean. His appearance is neat. I think he has a good lifestyle. He takes care of himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have the authorita. You're in the business. You're telling me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's squirting? No, no, I think she broke her leg. What about mailing your panties to people? For a while, Josh was a panty aggregator. What's the statute on mailing? Soil panties?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you say you think your cousin started this, uh, do you know how or why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four! Four websites using Squarespace. I love it because it's intuitive, it's easy, the customer service is unbeatable, and the templates are clean and great. I really love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that? Yeah, Tom is your, you only slept for, it says four hours and 43 minutes. What happened? Let's talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh Jean, and you got up to pee and that's when you couldn't go back, you said. Oof. What happened? Let's talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh forget it. Oh I hate that stress more than anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, don't say that. I didn't, I milked your prostate this morning. And that hasn't put you in a better mood than I was hoping it would. I honestly did it. I took one for this team today because I was like, he's going to be all cranky and he needs milking. And I milked my husband.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you just take in a dump too, you clog the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, are you sure you can, you wanna go? You just. Yeah. And you were like, yeah, it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you've been doing your own little curations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But kudos to his parents because I feel like you do hear that stuff in the home. You have to be taught those words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. No, at school they used to call me n-word lips. Cause I had big lips for my face. And now look who's making dollars off of these DSLs now. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now look at these. Now they all want to beam my lips, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, stop it. Guys, stop pretending like it's so problematic. I'm just reporting the reality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just feel like I'm eating dry pussy. Why did you say oysters? You do love, you eat everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nature is a bitch. That is not far off for you and me, we're halfway there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, cause we've all got the darkness in us as comedians and when it comes out of Jerry I really enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To Pustin. Thank you everybody that came out in Pustin. It was phenomenal. So many mommies. Yeah. And I, I do meet and greets after my show and everybody, everybody was like, you're the personality champ. Tom would never meet me after a show. And I was like, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really taking a leap. I'm so impressed by you, that's really smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my guidance counselor too was like, have you considered community college?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's humiliating because it didn't work, and they're like, you're still like it. Yeah, yeah, that's true. You're so stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate it when people ask me inane questions, like is it really that interesting? One time I was eating spaghetti squash in front of your aunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all you do is bake the- you cut it in half, you bake it, and then you take a fork and you rake out the squash. Well, you would've thought that I was, uh, splitting cells in a fuckin' petri dish, cause she came over,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I'm just fu- like I'm starving too at the same time, I was so angry. And I was so mean, I shouldn't have been mean to her, but I was like, it's, it's nothing, it's, I'm just, I don't know, like I, I couldn't answer. I went to one time she asked me for help, it was like Thanksgiving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she didn't do anything because she couldn't find the saran wrap or the kind. Do you have tin foil? I'm like, no, I just whatever. Just cover it in anything. I don't fucking care. You know what I mean? Like they can't adapt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, speaking of, do you know what I was noticing on my travels this weekend? Or, can I have your phone just to show you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always observe older white guys in terminals. It's my favorite thing to do. I like to see how they dress. I like to see how they behave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is the older parent, well mostly older white guy move. They hold their phone in their left hand and then they use their index finger to navigate and push a button. Like you don't do that, right? Everybody knows it's thumb action. Like you have to be super fucking old. That's how my dad does it. Yeah, old people use their pointer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck was happening? I think I hate when people ask me details about inane things. Yeah, like questions about shit that it's not really interesting to me. Therefore it's, I don't want to go over it like hashing out the details of it with you. I don't like it. I get really fucking irritated when people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, one exciting thing happened to me with the Chryshers this last week. So Josh Adam Myers sent me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, oh here it is. Here's what I sent Burt. So I sent it to Burt and Leanne knowing that because they're parents, it's so great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just a fucking great picture. Anyways, so, so I sent it to Britt and Leanne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, you and I are both fond of the sour belts. That does- that makes me shit like crazy, cause I'll eat a whole bag of them, and the acidity of them makes me cra- it doesn't make you shit? Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm excited to hear your battle movement updates. Will you keep me posted?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I always get confused by on these videos, Charles, is that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wonderful work you guys. I'm really impressed. But it always confuses me why Charles is in a good mood because he has so much work to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also like his view is of a poster of New York City, which is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I think Charles is, uhm, there's a charm to him cause you know he's not malicious. He wasn't like Good Morning Julia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like he was taking it, he was trying to impress a girl and he, you know, made a video. He's endearing, he's sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, you laugh at the idea of a series based on piss pots, but, I mean, it's happened. They've made TV shows, I mean, uh, movies out of Pirates of the Caribbean. Highly successful franchise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Haunted Mansion, they've made movies out of that. I'm just saying, I'm not gonna be surprised if Hollywood is like, a traveling dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much would you love prison p-spots though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gene, I'm doing Tampa, coming up on Valentine's Day weekend, Cobb's Comedy Club, and Manfriend Disco. I'm thinking, ahhh, 8 o'clock, 8.15 show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pasadena, March 7th. I'm doing the Miami Improv. I'm doing Addison, Tejas, Caroline's Comedy Club, and Jew Dork Titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, uh, and I'm having Shulie Agar open for me and Caroline's. I'm so excited. Des Moines, Iowa, the funny bone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, Sean. I'm so excited to go to Canada. Fartniks, Arizona, stand up live, Cleveland, Ohio, at Hilarity's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then San Antonio Tejas at the Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club. Tickets at Christina P online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh, I'm so excited to talk about best fiends. I am hooked on this game. I play it on the airplane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For hours, I'm on level 41 now, and I like it because it's challenging, but not too, you know when you're too involved and it's annoying? It's not annoying. The characters are super cute. I like the sounds. I like the prizes I win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it out. Best Fiends updates the game monthly with new levels, so it never gets old. Uhm, and then you can play it when you're traveling, which is what I do, because it doesn't require internet, which is great, and it is free, uh, to download.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Engage your brain with fun puzzles and collect tons of cute characters. Trust me, with over 100 million downloads, this five star rated mobile puzzle game is a must play. Download Best Fiends free on the Apple App Store or Google Play. That's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friends without the R best fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, do you regret stuff? Like have you said things in the past?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are a very passionate person. And I, you know what I do love? Hearing you talk about acting now and knowing you just very little that I know you in person. You are so real and that comes through. Like you're, you seem pretty down to earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me the last time. When did she tell you to calm down last?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is she like yoga and, and she's on, she said the veggie diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prohibited that kind of discovery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know that. What's that reference? Oh, shit. All right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he was on, uh, blood pressure medication at the same time and his kids were there at the house and he like dosed him with the wife and the kids. That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you and I are huge Stern fans. Uh, you're not a fan of Brent Hadley and his swinging with his wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it ain't no 399 shit. And you didn't want to hear it in the morning and you felt it was too graphic. It's too much. You didn't want to hear him talking about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. See, this is, but this is why I love you is your passion for things that are just so silly. Like that, like I, cause my husband knows that I'm a huge fan of the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're great for many reasons. You're very bright, you're very outspoken, you're very articulate, and you're fucking fired up, and that's good. That's what, that's what I think it requires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joan Rivers, I saw her before she passed, was the best she's ever been. That bitch was saying crazy shit that nobody would say today. Think about all the different lanes of it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And watch Atypical on Netflix. Do you know if it's coming back for a third season?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope so. I feel like I've learned so much about autism, I had no idea. It really humanized the whole thing for me. I'm like, oh. It's so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, because it's really not even, people go, I don't want to know, maybe you don't want to watch it because it's about autism. It's not. It's about loving your kids and having relationships. So it's a family. It's ultimately...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think? God. He looks like he's at a cracker barrel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about your, uh, your husband's newfound love for guns? Are you excited about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like TLC style, that's kinda cool, but like, these type of overalls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he's got a bit of a bulge going on down there, like the overalls definitely can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that's his, do you think that's what his angle is, that he's gay? Sweetie. Look at his furniture and stuff, I really think he's a train guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool. So that they could suck blood through them, or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think kids did that when Twilight came out? Yea. They started filing their teeth again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I hope there's a, a movie about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adopting guys like this so this guy can get fuckin' adopted or owned or whatever he wanted, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was just his collar. I think that just came with the collar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a wolf who like, now so he's a wolf that wants to be owned? Yeah. They're wolf, wolves, wolves are wild animals, are they not? Wow. Good point. You can't own a wolf. That's right. You can't own a wolf. They gotta be free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I never, it was kind of, I aged out of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I wasn't like, fucking around with girls that were uh, twilight heads or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If a girl was Team Edward, she'd be more amped to, uh, date me as opposed to a Jacob.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although I have Jacob elements, you know, with my hair and such.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Okay. And then on the Jacob side, I'm hairy like a wolf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we talked about, remember we were gonna talk about hand stuff. You were curious about your hand game or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, hand and mouth phase is kind of one in the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, wow. So you start with a hand. You start with like making out, then you get to hand stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you, uh, you up the ante to the matzah ball, which is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] P and the V, but you, uh, you jumped straight to P and V.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like a little hand action. People poo poo the hand like they're like, ah, no one can do it like me or whatever, but I think you need to, I think it's a good appetizer. You know what I mean? Like you're not going to eat edamame for a whole meal. You're going to start with it and you're going to have a little bit and then you're going to move on to the main course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The taste test, now that is interesting. I would feel like, I know women who have done straight to the mouth, which I think is fucking dangerous and weird. Just go first date. Like, oh yeaah, I'm in a dark car, let's just. Yeaah, a lot of women do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Assess the situation with the hand? That's what I feel like the hand is like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what, don't you wanna know these things before you put a penis inside of anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if they- I thought I got a clear and clean bullet health. I thought they'd do the gamut when they fucking take you in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you're gonna have to ask Dr. Drew about these things, cause I coulda swore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have many STD questions. I think I'm fine. I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In it, he paints his face quite similar to the- Is that right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could very well, well the joker just used makeup and he's an insane serial killer. So this guy went even fuller and just got it tattooed. Fully on his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was my first time watching it, and I thought at first he was saying that the tattoo was the reason his life was in shambles, then he was like, you know, drugs and alcohol, they didn't even come close to destroying me as much as this tattoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet his friends weren't even like a good idea. They were like, don't do it dude. That's insane. He's like, no, I'm a rebel. You know, I'll go against the grain. And his grandma's probably like, you've been living here too long. Isn't it wild though? His hair is like really nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because usually it's like, I'm flossing, I'm the best, I'm the greatest. This guy's like, I fucked up. We need more of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if he had the problems with drugs and alcohol after the facetime? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what he should just grow some beard. Whatever he can. That spotty ass shit that he probably grows. He just looks like a spotty beard face. But then he has the black ink to fill it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucking nuts. It's gonna hurt so bad, you're gonna have to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least he's trying to rectify it. You know, it's one of those things you can look back and laugh at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's say best case scenario, he got it done in his early twenties, that means he's been walking around this way for twelve years. He's lived his life this way for like a third of his life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I never got any, uh, tattoos, but I did have an eyebrow piercing for a minute, and I was 25. When I was 25, a girlfriend goes, you need to take that out of your head. And I was like, yea, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't have the circle, I had the two dots, whatever that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was kinda cool. But I couldn't do it today, no way. I'd look like a fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's like I said, it's like a license plate. There's limited things you can get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you do RTD, but then you put like a thing in here, like a jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways. You could do, oh, TikTok is the same problem, it's only six words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they regret it? Of course. Why? It's still a thing that they did. Yea, but it's a job you had once in your life. Yea, unless you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you toasted? Or were you just like, no? You were just like, I'm gonna do this? I was 20 years old, that's how- you just had to be 20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always had the opinion of like, I can't have something that permanent on my body. I'm gonna change my mind immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get a tat. Yea. I wouldn't want my tattoo to be funny or stupid either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on my body, I gotta live with that every day, like you go to your grandma's funeral and it's like, yeah, I got this fucking wacky penis on my body or whatever the fuck it is, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel like, uh, I feel like Eni has the same thing as me where it's like, the permanence of it is too much. Yeah. Mentally. Doesn't want to commit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other than that. You'd get all that on your tattoos, like, that's the thing. All the things I like would be stupid. I'd look like a NASCAR car, you know what I'm saying? And I would have to go, if I were gonna do it, I'd have to go full bore where it's like sleeves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would look cool with sleeves too. I feel like my arm hair acts like from a distance. It could be like, does he have sleeve tattoos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, tattoos, and he had, I think he like just got it in a spot that hair doesn't really grow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he has Greek words. And like a tribal band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad started, uh, wearing muscle shirts, and driving sports cars, and then he was like, I'm gonna get a fucking tattoo, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, what I've learned from him, not in terms of what he does, but from him in terms of like, to do what he doesn't do, is probably don't get married. Yeah. Uh, unless it's like, you're really into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wanna fuck around, fuck around, but you don't gotta put a ring on the first one that you're like, oh god, this one, I love her. Alright, we'll see how it goes for a little while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I do. Cause I, I don't, I don't know. It's, you're, you're like, infatuated with this idea that I'm having a lot of sex. You are. I mean, for me, it's a lot. Like, yea, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it is fascinating, uh, that it's happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or any of them. You'd have to ask any of them. I don't know the answer. I don't wanna know the answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope so, I, I mean, it has to be something, cause it's definitely not, I'm not handsome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, let's not say that. Well, I mean, I said this on the honeydew that just came out, but the fact is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know what I look like, and uh, the fact that I do get any attention from women is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing to me as well. So it's not like, uh, something that I'm like going like, yeah, of course this is happening. I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop. I still feel the same intensity of the best word answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, cameo is where celebrities can go on and people can pay them money to do personalized messages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I've discovered us. I have a special niche, uh, for my content on Cameo. Uh, and apparently it struck a chord with everybody. So I'm excited. Yes. Yeah. Do you want to tell her what you do? Uh, I'm a Cameo sex worker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you could do anything. There's no rules. My specialty is feet and shoulder hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People like feet. People love feet. It's a real mar- I mean if you wanted to get involved, I'm sure you could charge a premium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the cameo folks seem very happy with my work and they, uh, have relayed it as such. And they seem to know what I'm doing, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have over 20,000 followers, they contact you. As you mentioned, you probably thought it was spam or something, but I am sure that they would be very honored if you joined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you don't have to do feed stuff, that's just my particular-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yes, but it gets, I would imagine, I mean I sometimes feel guilt when I can't fulfill all of the requests, you know? Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On TikTok. Keep saying it. Over and over again. Trump 2020. Even though they support him. Even though they say that. Over and over again. Why do you support a racist asshole?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just the way it is. What's up there, Choma? You're not following Proto at all. You're fucking done. You're fucking fired. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said cops are like, why are all these meth guys always approaching me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got... Is that supposed to happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, shit. Yes I have. Stings first. You went to take yourself a hood knife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's nice about this knife here is, uh, the chip's been broke off, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All you big words talking shit! You're gonna get some rec!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are not wearing red, and therefore you're not in my gang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, one more thing, for all you young bucks going out to the club tonight, one last thing. What you gotta look out for, and this is what, you know, my, uh, one of my good buddies, you know, was telling me about, and I've tried it numerous times and it really works, look out for bodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's gonna look at you dead in the eyes. Yeah, it's different. She's gonna be, you know, her body's gonna be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but anyways, what I'm saying now is the eyes don't lie. They really don't. You know, body language is a key tip to pull and tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're cracking a couple cuddles. I've already went through a, you know, a 12-pack, but we up outta here. I'm about to go get me another sixer. You know what I'm saying? It is the weekend. Cheers everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drink responsibly, uh, you know, take your uvers, you know, take your, you know, caps on because, you know, it's all about drinking responsibly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Off. Off. Never on. Never. Maria. On, on, on. On, on, on. Always thinking. Tommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Part one, I'm at the Sea Wall in Oakland Beach. In his car though. Warwick, Rhode Island.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The black car, black ice car refreshener. I am not racist. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finds himself a place to piss. Alright. So we piss in the cup to show the piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the piss. Alright, let's, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, let's rest that there. Hopefully it doesn't spill from my dick away. Alrighty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see. So we binge. I don't know, it's kinda coagulated with people. Whatever. Alright, 5 out of 10 piss bottles. This was a spot piss review with Joey Arves. And I will catch you retards on the next video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being fluid. Yeah. You and I are both fluid and we're polyamorous. Mhm. We're pansexual. Mhm. We're asexual. Mhm. We're in a throuple.


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[Assistant] And I'd prefer if you didn't refer to me as she from now on.


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[Assistant] Well check your privilege, Tom. You're a cisgendered white male. I know. A lot of privilege in that beard of yours.


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[Assistant] But he justifies it, he's like, it's not that I'm racist against others, I just like things everybody acts the same.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it's better, it's for his comfort that everybody looks and acts the same.


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[Assistant] You know what's so funny is when my stepfather was racist, he was from India. Yeaah. And he was the most racist of everybody in my family.


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[Assistant] He basically, he felt that if you were at a high enough socioeconomic level in this country that you bought yourself into being a white guy. And in a lot of ways, he's not wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause, you know, he had a framed picture of the last five Republican presidents in his office. They gave it to him. He don't have so much money.


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[Assistant] You know what my favorite thing is? Is when you see people who make their houses look like the White House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, full on columns, white, and then there's always like the super patriot, we have a super patriotic neighbor that likes to have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like an official US flag flying in his front yard.


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[Assistant] He's out there taking it down when it's raining and folding, like, what do you, it's just too much work to have a real flag flying.


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[Assistant] And we played this game last night, like, where would you rather live?


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[Assistant] No fucking- as a woman? Forget Qatar. I've been there. I took the pig fish village.


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[Assistant] Is he really, yeaah, because they're not Judeo-Christian, yeaah.


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[Assistant] But, you know, you make a good point. I would say living conditions. The worst one is the pig village in Ecuador. There's, it's nothing but dirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would get snatched up and gang raped by a bunch of guys in chic outfits or whatever. They wear those white robes, you can see through them. And those are by the way, those are the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now hold on, India, I don't have many rights there either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'd have to be married. I'd have to be wifed up, right?


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[Assistant] But you'd have diarrhea all the time. Yeah, but you'd adapt.


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[Assistant] When, uh, tourists go over there, it's called deli belly, and that shit is real.


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[Assistant] I had a dream about your, uh, hog last night. Yeaah. And it was trimmed up. It was really nice. That's manscaping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been saying it all week. Oh stop. Oh stop. I like how you guys are like, oh, we don't joke about that stuff on this show. Oh, like I'm the only one that likes ta ta there retard. Oh my, oh my God. Ta ta there retard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not trying to get on SNL. I'm not trying to do any kind of corporate work. I already know that is long gone for me. It is this show and stand up. That's all I'm doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been around for a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's hard and it's been mushed because I pick up dead rats on our property a lot because we poison the shit out of them which is awesome and like when they're fresh I have nothing I love more than finding a dead rat but when they're kind of freshly dead from the night before they're still intact


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're, they're stiff, but there's a little bit of weight to them.


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[Assistant] Well plus he doesn't have many teeth.


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[Assistant] He broke its leg. Yeah, it's really dead. Also too, I don't know if he's aware, rats carry diseases.


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[Assistant] May not want to put that in your mouth or touch it and then touch your mouth.


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[Assistant] I've read about this, cause when I pick up dead rats on our, on our inner backyard and stuff, I put on black latex gloves and then I take out two hefty bags.


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[Assistant] I open one, I take out the other hefty bag, I put my hand in that, pick up the rat.


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[Assistant] And then I wash my hands quickly. That's how sterile I am.


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[Assistant] His mouth is open, cause when they die their mouths are open like that. Okay. That's true.


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[Assistant] $40? Tom, how much are you going for to do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what about a thousand US dollars?


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[Assistant] 38,000 and a Dove, easy. You would do it. Yeaah. Yeaah. He was down for a thousand. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] You know what it reminds me of? You know when you go to sushi and you order the amaebi sweet shrimp and then they fry the heads for you? Yeaah. That's exactly what that's like. That's right. And it's delicious. It sounded like it. It's delicious. That's delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know that, here's the deal man, I don't know if I would have done the rat teeth up, like the open mouth, that was stupid. I would have done it teeth down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you okay? What about cockroaches? Remember, uhm, when Joe would host Fear Factor, and that was always the hardest one for me to watch, is people eating cockroaches. Cockroaches, yeah. I would rather take the head off of that thing than eat a cockroach. A live cockroach, though. What would you rather do?


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[Assistant] Isn't that hilarious that people did that for like $10,000? Crazy. I would never do that shit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are we talking about? No, road rules, we never had to eat anything nasty, we just had to do dangerous stuff, like, we had to like, go to the crocodile farm and put bags on crocodiles' heads and stuff, and it was terribly dangerous actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their night in a hotel, and I notice they still offer pornography.


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[Assistant] But then wouldn't you just put it up on your device? It's free. You can get it for free on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't, remember like in softcore they kind of loop the same thing over and over? Is that what they're doing? Like looping the same...


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[Assistant] It's eroded the whole economy of pornography. It has. Remember when you used to be able to go to the Pussycat Theater in LA and watch porn in a movie theater? I didn't do that. Which to me seems crazy. Are you kidding me?


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[Assistant] Remember when Pee Wee Herman's career got destroyed cause he jacked it? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Well interesting, I didn't even look at the hotel pornography options. No? I just assumed they would be inferior to the quality that I could receive on my regular tube sites.


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[Assistant] Remember on the cru- was it a cruise ship? And it was soft core?


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[Assistant] That was awesome. And just on our regular TV in our room was channel 69.


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[Assistant] I can't believe- So, uh, I mean, I don't know how much Josh is gonna let me tell about his life, but... Let's just put it this way, Josh gets laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You seem like a guy who you're not gonna dick me over.


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[Assistant] Plus I think there's something, there's a sweetness to Josh. Yeah. You'd be like, I could see like, you wanna help him out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like he's not gonna do anything shitty to you. You're like, I don't want to say charity, but I think it's like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I think what you write, your conversation skills are good because you actually listen to women and I think that's really novel. Like I don't think a lot of men really listen to what women say and I think that's your strong suit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm curious what your approach is to like, being direct. So do you, like, you throw it in kinda cat like, okay, we're at, we're at,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're at, uh, what restaurant are we at? Dave and Buster's. We're at Dave and Buster's and we're having nachos and our, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] So she's like, she's like, so do you want to go back to my place and eat nachos?


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[Assistant] Wow. That's what he did. See, he's lucky in that he found a skill, something he's great at and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you'll text her, like, let's say, hey, you want to hang out tonight? And then you'll be like, let's hang out at my place.


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[Assistant] That's smart. I see. So you, you cut the, you cut the slide down.


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[Assistant] I feel like Eni's game is pretty straight on though, like he's attractive, he's got, he's got a car.


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[Assistant] I see, okay. Well they're in two different, two different leagues here.


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[Assistant] Annie, do you- what do you say to- do you even have to say anything to women? Nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, of course. He could say anything to you. He'd be like, you wanna suck my dick here, bitch? Okay. Yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that. It's definitely, yea, you're right. Expired, the tags ended up all over, the tags aren't on the car, DUIs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he does pornography. What? Yeaah. That's the rumor on the gram. How do you know? Somebody sent me, uhm, a DM on the gram.