[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Weird fuckin' beards. But bitches loved him. Bitches loved him, yep. I mean, and they probably have the same net worth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. There, there, uh, you just had it. Uhm. The Sheik. Oh yea. There he is. He wrote his own bio. See? So, born in Vegas, grew up in Manhattan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kinda hard to see that one. I mean, he has some selfies we might be able to see, but see look, worth a good 350 million. Oh, 350 million. Not counting the house I live in. I prefer eating pussy from the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost 300 pounds Danny, but I carry it like I'm 210. God damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hard rock Nick, man. Well, that's probably, that's photo was taken in one of his six houses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way. That's why I had to take so much time off. Really? To get all of that fixed? I did not know that. So this, that's actually a better case for buying the chain. I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand, like, alright, why don't we just set, uh, like a ceiling, a price limit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's also like, you know, you start looking at stuff and there's no, I mean, mystery to it. People just show you the baddest shit and people be like, that's what I really want. They're like, oh, that's this much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna hit up Nick. I don't know why I'm asking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a collector? Yeah, in that sense. Uh, what's like the, alright, cause what's the dumbest shit you've bought? Oh, I have a lot of that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So you think though there is like some like almost conspiracy in a way, right? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no fucking way. Like the one thing that gets me out is like when you see these stories and they'll be images.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, with like something resembling, you know, blackface or something. Yeaah, it's so weird. There's no way, when they're like, oh, we just made that, we weren't even thinking like that. Like, because a fashion house like that, to approve of something. Yeaah, still. You know how many channels they had to go through? They knew what they were doing. They knew what they were doing. That's the part that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, did they, uh, did they, uh, was it one of the episodes that caught somebody for it? Yeah, and he was doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was the king of, like, uhm. What's the high value snack?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta, you might appreciate this. This is another voicemail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, a young lady posted that she was like, I don't know why I gave my number to this guy. Cool. But he, he, he gave her a call and left a voicemail. This is the day after she gave him the number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, this guy left that after I texted you yesterday. That's it, this is the call. And didn't keep going. Like, but I mean, like, you texted her, alright, she didn't respond back, and then you leave that voicemail?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, oh, what's the, uhm, what do we want to show? Oh, you a big ODB fan? Of course! Yeah. Check out, uh, we got...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got a little, I've never seen this clip, but I wanted to play it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather, for my 40th birthday,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get me, like, the Cuban link diamond chain. Right. Spend fifteen, twenty thousand dollars. Or just eat my scrum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will definitely do that. I'll tell you what, I'll get waxed, I'll get laser treated down there, and here's what I'll do. I'll do a little like rose petal thing to the bedroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he was also like, uhm, I don't think, like you said, you never learned to rap. He would just, I mean, from the interviews and things I've seen, they would just take him in the studio and let him go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you, would you, uh, is there any producer that you are like, ah man, I would love to do a record with somebody?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want you to do something with Sway the Remix, God. Sway the Remix? I love him. I love the shit he do. That dude's self is hilarious. I love his shit. I don't know why I feel like you guys would vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just, I was just learning the, cause I remember when, you know, sometimes you remember the moment, but you don't realize the historical impact of it. Like I remember when Illmatic came out, but then watching that there was like this documentary about it, I didn't realize how crazy that album was. Because he was only 19.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why uhm. And also who, who decided to like, cause you forget, I just remember buying the album and listening to it, but you forget that at the time, he's, it's being produced by like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because people that are overweight, like, don't have the same advantages that you take for granted. Because you're under 600, you're this asshole walking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. Americans bring a, like, we have a really interesting way of making things, like, that are not issues, issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get lost in a bubble out here. Here in New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the way to do it. I know. That's the way to do it, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's gotta be dudes in jail who are just, you know, not savvy, not with it, and then they have nothing. Everybody. But I mean like, like never, like they're the ones who are like, I need stamps, I need socks, I need shirts, but they don't got shit. Yea, and they don't get shit. And they don't get shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my friends did, uh, he did two weeks at the towers, Twin Towers downtown, which is horrible because they forgot about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's horrible. Look, so one of my favorite types of videos, we've played them before. I don't know if you like these or not. This is when somebody is still under the effects of like an anesthesia and they're coming out of it, you know, but they're saying crazy shit that they normally don't say. And this patient,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she is, uh, you know, still under the effects, but this is a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the panic moment though, when you go like, ah man, I remember like, one of the last ones that I did was like, it was years ago, but I was, I had this job out here in LA, and uh, everybody from the office got together at this bar on Sunset. I remember, I was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, but so like a year before that, before we started dating, I was working at this job at an entertainment company and we went out and I just, all I remember was, well, I remember nothing. I remember like the before the blackout. So then my friend was like, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then that guy left. And they're like, and then like 10 minutes later, I'm like, hey man, they're like, he's going to get it. I'm like, he's going to get it. Yeah, next door. We're at a restaurant. And then, you know, 20 minutes later, the dude came back. He was like, yeah, we couldn't find the ice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deep in that valley sometimes I get an itch, so I gotta trim the hair to take those split ends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I take the split ends out and I just leave like a little bush. Just roll. And then you fucking, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The look was an attorney in the neighborhood. A fucking deadly juke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deadly. Like if he represented you, you got scott off. Like I know people. You know the Sullivan Act? No. The Sullivan Act is when you get pulled over with a piece in New York City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'll hire an FBI witness to say that they were tampered with. You're still gonna do 6 months. For 200,000 you do 9 months. And for 100,000 you do 18 months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me a call, think about it, great to see you. And it would be like a r- wrote, and my mom and stepfather would be like, or anybody else would be like, Get easy!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, even though they knew what he was saying, they would never let the cat out of the bag. They played, they played immigrants. Because you gotta keep that leverage. That's smart. That's leverage. You gotta keep your leverage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's like these poor bastards, these poor white bastards in Hollywood that are gonna get thrown under the jail. For paying off their fucking kids, college. Those two people. Those million dollar bales, they're gonna get thrown under the jail. And the 250, she's gonna get some probation or something. Well listen, I kidnapped a dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this bitch paid a million dollars. A million dollar bail apiece. And the next day when you went to use their ATM card.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like it's no good. What are you talking about no good? I just put a half a mill in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little out of Reno, maybe it's Vegas, maybe it's Tennessee, and it's because of what's happened in the last three years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to Continuing Ed, which is an extension of the University of Colorado, and you go there first for a while, and then when you get enough credits, you transfer into the other, I got the letter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You either gotta shit or don't get off the pot. You gotta transfer it. This is a true story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were to read, do your paperwork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this is with all those fucking dumb white people. All they had to do was go to the border.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yesterday the chick soccer, they went to the soccer coach and they said, are you kidding me? This is one of the daughters? Yea, yesterday, yesterday came out that the guy took a chick from around here somewhere, Woollen Hills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was taking money in prison. When I came out of prison, the first place I went to, the University of Colorado, they had like three checks waiting for me. For like 12-5. That's how I got, you know, you know how in the mafia they give you a boost? Yea. They gave me a boost. They gave me a 12-5 boost. Jesus. And then when I reapplied, they said you can't come into the University of Colorado with felonies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now they had me, so now how to switch majors from political science because who's going to hire me as an attorney?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My plan was to get a co-political history major, political science history major, and then get into the Spanish law school like a doctor. That's where the big money came.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just took 26 and bought a car, and then sold the car. I was flipping cars then on campus. Jesus. That's gonna be sad. That's sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a money machine. This is why when you're Spanish, all you have to do is go somewhere you don't want to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went and picked up that check for 12.5. I was like, I was like, fuck it, Henry Hill, we gotta go to Pittsburgh tomorrow. My wife's like, well you have a meeting with your parishioners, don't worry, it's taken care of. Right away. I picked up the 12.5.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So no, no, no. At first I couldn't sell cars. I'm lying to you because I had to get my license.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to get your license redone. Not my drivers license, but my car sales license.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's say I was coming, where do you work? I work at Tom Segura Industries, 666 Mockingbird Lane. I would give them the address, but I tell them I'm a detailer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't hear the phone ring, so just page. Oh, right. Smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you pick up the rocks and shit, the shit goes through your fingers and it goes into your bloodstream. So I piss coke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A 90-day out-treatment, like Artie Lang type shit. Shit. And you went? Oh yea, I'm in there selling coke, getting my dick sucked. There was a chick in the group that would suck dick just by the look of an eye. They'd give us a little break, we'd go behind a building, a little sucolamine, and I'd go back in and tell them about my mother, how she beat me with a paper towel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The chick's name was Patrice. I'd never forget that. I would just see her and she'd suck my dick. It was tremendous. She was in the halfway house with me. I would check in when you got into the halfway house. You'd have to sign your name and there'd always be a note. Come by my door. Cause there was chicks on the first floor. And I would go by her door, knock on the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give her a little piece of coke, and just take my dick out of the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if I was talking to her, I'd be hanging out like on the thing and she'd be sucking my dick, the counselor would be on the other side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, don't even ask me where I came up with the figure. 75 for 102 on Saturday. Let them cash that check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've come to terms with it. You know that song by the Talking Heads, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, so I wouldn't go to a psychiatrist or whatever, I broke it down to three categories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what she called me, Jose Antonio. That's what my family calls me. They don't know nothing about Coco or Joey or fucking nothing. They know Jose Antonio. And then when my mother died, I became Coco. And that was the motherfucker that was just out of his mind. And then when I was about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last, last year really pissed me off because he was supposed to come to Tempe and he never came.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I really can't imagine where you went. It was a great day for me. Had a good time. You know what I'm saying? I lived out some fucking wild fantasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was. But you know why he didn't stop? He got in trouble. He got stabbed in the face like six months later. Like he, he was on a roll, the same roll I was on. Let's get something straight. The reason why we met selling cars, but then he disappeared for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would get into a fight with the sales manager. He was very good looking, very charismatic at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he was no- and then after I saw him, when I got out of jail, he was even more fucked up. I bumped into him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go sell me a gram of coke and I never forget when I went into the men's bathroom and they had one of those pocket scales.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We shook hands, we even did a blast in the bathroom, we went out and had a beer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then comedy took over my life. And then one day when Facebook came along, I seen him on there, right? I read requests, I mean, don't go fuck myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, listen man, you know, I'm sorry you feel that way. I get it. You know, I wasn't trying to be rude to him. I just had this sense that, listen, let me tell you something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm even reaching out to some people in some cases. I send some people money, some people flowers, some people send apologies. And then he looks at me and goes, there's some things you should leave alone. Like, I've reached out to as many people as I can. There's some people that are never gonna get it. So I'm not even gonna try. I even reached out to my ex-wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so listen, I was a different person then, and then she went on this fuckin' diatribe about blow and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Now I got a beautiful six year old, I got the wife, there's no drama.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when Crashing got cancelled, a magazine put up that when is it gonna end? That it's time for America to accept different type of comics. That the clean cut comics


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those guys all do great, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if their TV show didn't work, it's not because it didn't work because of them. It didn't work because America's ready for a new, and they even said it in the article.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's who America really wants to see. Those people with a little bit more, you know, regular friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to repitch a show or something like that. Maybe give myself a future here. But if it's just to work the road and do a podcast, you could definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm shitting in the back with, uh, Lee Wellington, the guy that runs the theater, great guy, and his little assistant. I go, I'm starving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Came out with the meds, I didn't even look at it, I just got me carnitas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got a bean and cheese burrito and he gave me back $41.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you come here and you see what difference is. Again, I'm not cheap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just talking about, I wanna go somewhere where I don't feel I'm getting fucked in the ass. Right, yeaah. You know, you gotta, you know, how much longer are we gonna pay $25 for fucking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even though I don't, but I'm just saying, you know, how much longer, you know, yesterday. Tremendous, the biggest deal in fucking angel history. They gave that guy $437 million and all these angel fans. Who do you think is going to pay for that? Now your tickets went from $69 to $89.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I tell you what, Disneyland justifies it. I'ma tell you something, when I go to Disneyland,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I turn around and Mickey Mouse fucks me in the ass and I pay the 119, I get my money's worth. And I'll tell you why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to the premiere of Coco. They couldn't find people named Coco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, are you feeling bad? You did say, if there was a hookup for Disneyland, he goes, let me call you back. He got me the Joe Rogan package.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two or three days. They walked around. I walked around a little bit with them. You know, there's some rides I can't do. But that ride that you sit and you see the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You smell the dirt, they throw dirt at you and all that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you pay a little extra. It's a lot of money. It's not no fucking joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You pay, you go, you're getting fucked in the ass, but I gotta be honest with you, when I left there, I gotta be honest with you, I did not feel like I was getting fucked in the ass. Because every day you see about these companies that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna bungee and I don't wanna eat that fucking buffet food. Oh, it's the worst. It's the worst. No, I don't wanna be on a cruise. I wanna go somewhere like that. First of all, I'm not a vacation type of guy. No. You got me for three days. You got my attention for three days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After three days I start scratching and fucking acting erratically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too. I knew in 1998 that Sundays were gonna be a problem. And by 2000, I would just let people know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last thing you wanna do on a Monday, bro, is take a flight. Yeah, it's horrible. I'm telling you right now, whether you really wanna fuck around, take a flight on a Monday. If you're gonna stay till Tuesday to go to a Yankee game, or Tuesday and Wednesday, I get it. You know, but there's no reason to work Sundays. Think about it. What the fuck do you wanna do on Sundays?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I get home from the road, first of all I take the first flight out of wherever I am. Always, it's got 6am flights. 6am, 5am, I get home, they go to church at 9. Okay. So if I walk in the door at 9.45, I unload my suitcase, set the sleep apnea machine up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take a shower, cause that flight's filthy. Filthy. The first thing I do though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I drop a few of those. I get my luggage. By the time I get in the Uber, I tell the guy midway and listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have three bathrooms and that door, that bathroom is priceless. As I open the door, I sit down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a bong, and a pipe, and a table next to me with weed underneath. So I fill up the pipe, and I hit it, and as I cough,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't put my nutsack in the toilet. That's courteous. I pick them up with toilet paper and put it on my nutsacks like a rest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the piss throws it down the hill, the log just goes in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he had two poppers in his nose, the guys were fist-fragging him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least use cocaine and numb the rib. Otherwise stick your finger up my ass with speed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this morning I woke up to Taking Care of Business. Remember that song by BTL? That's from White People.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they took care of business, they didn't care about nothing. That came out like in 75.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most people, most Americans, most people who watch that are like, wow, where's the parents for? Well, again, we got, have you ever worked on a kids show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever worked on a kids show, like a Disney show? No. I didn't know what Hollywood was about until I worked a Disney show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because our kid was doing a play in New York and they go, where do you usually live? And I'm like, where's your husband? He's at home working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're out here living in Burbank in a studio apartment trying to get roles. You know, and it was really like, it really showed me like what makes a woman, I could see a kid, but now you're pushing it. It's gross. They were like Pistol Pete's father, Pistol Pete Marovitch who would beat him if they lost. Yeah. Like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very tough when you say cut and everybody's laughing and you do the same thing six times and people laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you buy it. At one time in this career, you bought it, and at one time you bought it, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want that line. That's terrible. Take it to my child. I don't want it. They can't see it. Yea, why would you? They can't see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you're that vulnerable. Yeaah. If you, you know, I went to a Vandie Chalwick acting studio. It's a great place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But after a couple scenes, and then they find that you were staying there, I had these girls showin' up at the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So these people forget that. They come out here and they get caught up and agents and I can't tell you how many, I can name like four times where a woman looked me in the eye and said to me, I'll do anything to get an agent. If you get me with your agent, I'll do anything. This is when I was like with fucking,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Low level studio recording boutique agents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything, oh my god, I really want to be an actress. Ever since I saw the Hollywood sign, you know, they don't even have the right reasons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't remember you from the movie, I am Joey, and they'll go, I wasn't in the movie!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When people tell me, I'm there to support Tom, you're here to suck dick. You're here to suck a dick in one form or another. You ever have a showcase? In the old days, if you had a showcase at the comic store, they'd put an asterisk next to your name. And comics would just go down to see who had an asterisk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you're going up 12th, you know, but it's 9 o'clock, you're gonna be up about midnight, shit like that, and we buy into it. There's one day that you wake up and go, this is not gonna happen no more. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hardee's? Uh huh. What's the other side of Hardee's? Hardee's. Carl's Jr. Carl's Jr. I did three commercials in three weeks in a row, three nationals. And I was clean and sober from coke. And when I got clean, I remember saying to myself, you know what? Before I was a fucking comic, I was a man mid-slapping people. Enough with that dumb Hollywood game. If you got a coming to you now, I'm gonna give it to you. And I remember having that frame thought and getting the Hardee's commercial. And going down to Long Beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The call was midnight, and I play a mobster with this other guy, and they put us in an SUV, and we gotta pull up to shoot a guy, but when we got there,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we get there, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Before I got to commercial, like, you're working with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Antonio Angelini, this tremendous director, you know, he gets there with the assistant next to him, he's got the Pepe Le Pew hat, the shirt rolled up so you can see his tattoo. You know, my, my new philosophy is, if I can tell you the director, I don't want to be in the mood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So our job was to drive like 30 yards, stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I walked towards him, I go, what did you say, motherfucker? I'm like, listen, I'm not one of your punk white fucking friends here. I'll knock you the fuck out right now. He ran from me, the assistant, and the PA took him and ran him into his trailer and he closed himself in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I walked to the trail, I banged on the door, I go, you're not getting away with this one, bitch. I go, come out here and talk to me like I'm mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, I'm on the phone with the whatever. We're replacing you. I go, it's two in the morning, you dumb motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come out here like a man. Then the AD came out. He said walk away from the door. I go, and then the first AD came out and go, I'm calling the police. I go, call the police.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Call the police. What are you gonna do? Nothing happening. It's just two men trying to talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, come out of the fucking trailer and be a man. Then this little faggy assistant came out with a feather in her hat. And then he finally opened the door and he goes, nobody has ever spoken to me like that. I go, then that's what your problem is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all his people were there and I'm going, you gotta act like a fucking man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you don't talk to people that way. You talk to people like a fucking man. Where I come from, you get hit. And that's it. Let's finish this fucking commercial. Let's go. And I turned around, the guy followed me very meekly. We did like eight takes and he cut me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he worked with me, like I said, it took one more hour. He was saying, we're gonna work all night. Yeah. Just do the fucking cuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just do the three. Enough. I'm not gonna sit here all night and do fucking takes. You know, like when I did Go Daddy, they made me throw the pizza up a thousand times until I said, that's it. No more. If you didn't get it by now, go back to USD fucking acting school and get a camera again. And they all looked at me and I fucking went and sat down. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you see the thing that you move and you're like, I was there for six fucking hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I didn't teach him that. I'm not teaching him that. I tell Mercy, like, when she takes a shower, she comes out like, did you wash your monkey?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As my daughter would call it, she's saying body words, that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She won't say it. She's heard me. I've slept with this shit from time to time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'd be fun cause you could just tell her, listen, stick your tongue up my ass, and tongue it, I'm gonna jerk off on your hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you were all in. And she'd be like, alright, alright, yeaah, that's a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you do with chicks like that. Somebody in their family is dying from something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, listen. You give her the cash though, right? Yea. Look what he's going through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got your fingers in the dirt, they're pulling you by your legs, you're like the fags. In fucking Narcos, the second season, when they buried them and they ripped them in half with the motorcycle, the two fags were making out, swapping spit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Suck my asshole why I stuck my fungi toe in her pussy cause it doesn't really matter, you know what I'm saying? After that her pussy would look like a, like just like a fucking, I just put my whole Fred Flintstone foot into her pussy like a cannon got it, like a, like George Washington shot it with a cannon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cut the nails and then you gotta go under the nail and take the fungi out. Because the nail, the fungi grows under the nail, so I gotta cut it and then scrape it. And it comes out, I do it on this, I do it on a black piece of paper and then I scrape it all up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friday night's date night. I gotta get her out. She's gotta talk to some adults.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're home by 9, 30, 10. Yeaah. We always do early digs. We try to go somewhere, like some restaurant, something different. We went to the Italian joint, got the meatball two weeks ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you do a 9.15 at the store, maybe jump on the belly room. Then you split.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just call me. I'm gonna sit down there and talk. It's very nice to go down there and see people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jiu Jitsu, he's doing his boxing. The biggest thing I learned from Rogan in the last 10 years was the episode he had about the guy about sleep. I was thinking about that episode yesterday. I was. That episode changed my life and that book changed my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now I've taken it up to a level. I got the same problem Tom had. You get home at 11 o'clock from the comedy store, you eat an apple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm the type of guy, if I go in the living room and the man on fire is on, that's it. I get up, I get the fucking cold cuts out, I get a Coke Zero, and I watch the fucking movie, I go doing commercials while stopping, I go hit the bong and the things, and now it's ten to two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now at 2 o'clock guess what's coming up, Smokey in the Bend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are like, what are you doing tomorrow? Nyaaah. Do you want to do a logic lesson? Go away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna do nothing, I'll call you when I wake up because I'm gonna go back and I'm gonna have a film festival. Yeaah. You know, I got a little bit of food, I get those protein bars, and I put them in my sacks with those protein milkshakes, I put them in my sack, and that's the only night that I go off the reservation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next thing you know, I'm walking to my house at 12, 15. That means two. Yeah. And in my house, you wake up at 6, 15 whether you like it or not. Same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, in our position, we gotta get eight. Me, if I could do seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 11, 30, 12 to 7, sometimes I'll sleep till 7, get up, jump in the shower, have a cup of coffee, talk with her for 15, 20 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the sleep has been the main one. Sleep is so huge. Sleep is fucking huge. If you're dieting and you're not sleeping, you're not losing weight. If you're lifting weights and you're not sleeping, you're not fucking re-tearing it back up. So if anything, I blame it on sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While we sleep, while we sleep, I could sleep till 6. So I pee and then I don't have nothing going to my life. That's lucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go back, close my eyes, and I try to get one more out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last two nights I've slept so well, I feel different. Yeah, that's, that's, you know, you could eat well, you could do everything, but if you'll remember when I first started the podcast, I was doing it at 6 a.m. Yeah, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, whatever. No restraint. Ones, twos, Netflix, documentaries, this, that, you know, YouTube concerts, now everything gets shut down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, and then I started thinking about it and it was too much like morning radio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I was trying to avoid, I had become.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A podcast should be a wiretap. I see all these people wasting valuable time on a fucking podcast. And I go, they play games, they do this, they call it, just talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the problem we have? Poor Brody, rest his soul, and this guy wants to run for president. This guy can't get to the fucking store without falling down two times. And he wants to run for president. And the fact that somebody taped him and let this fucking moron get the platform. Like if this guy called you up and said, come over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I read his book when I was in prison and I was never more impressed. When you read his book on wings of eagles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you really, really, really are an American, if you really believe that we should fuck motherfuckers up when they slip, you know what I'm saying? Like, fuck motherfuckers up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want a guy with no conscience, and he took that guy that was played by the movie, because they did a movie about it. He was played by a tough white dude to train his employees. So think if you're an IT guy, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He trained his guys, he trained his own employees because Russ Perot sold them on it. Those are your brothers over there. How can you sit on that fucking desk and eat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The people back to their families. Something the government wouldn't even do because they didn't want to cause problems. Perot got in some trouble for it. He had some backlash. But in my world, I want that backlash. You went to a family and told them no matter what, even if I gotta buy helicopters, I will go over there and take them myself. It takes a certain type of man to do that. He would have been a scary present.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he was the president, it would have been like us in England, he would have blown everybody else up. Africa, Iran, the Israelis would still be around, cause he would have teamed up with, you gotta team up with Jews. Them Jewish people know a thing or two, you know what I'm saying? Them Palestinians, just take them out right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was just been parking lots all over this fuckin' empty fuckin' place just smokin'. I remember like those- He wasn't gonna fuck around. He did uh, Larry King.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're paying for this with your money. I'm paying for this with my money. I saw when he was making that one time. Guys, it was just amazing. At one time they broke down when he was making a day. It's gotta be insane. It was insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did he, what's he actually say? Who's this, who's this? I don't know. Look at him. Whoa. Can you imagine the other four idiots in there? Who's gonna be his vice president? A guy with a hat with a propeller on it. They're gonna sit there all day. Yeah, this is what I'm gonna do. Get the fuck outta here. You gotta drive me crazy with this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, let me tell you, can you imagine this poor bastard giving his first speech, and all of a sudden you just hear,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those Mexicans, did you watch that last season on our coast? Yea, yea, yea. That last one, Diego Luna. Awesome, amazing. Just tremendous. But it tells you that, it didn't give a fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can fucking inflate with a butane lighter, like three Mexicans by themselves, and a little fucking thing that pops after fucking an hour. They just build this shit. They're already countering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Valdez, Valdez. She switched it to fucking Sofia Cecilia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't laugh, when my mother died they couldn't collect social security. Because my mom didn't work, she worked enough quarters, but under a different name. That's why I won't apply for a passport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you have to listen to two sides of it. That's why you really... Me being an immigrant, I have natural...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look what's going on now in Venezuela. You want your friends to be a part of that? I mean, you're half Latin, Don. You know, this is our blood. Look what's going on in Venezuela. The same conflicts as some place in Syria they're running away from, you know. I can't imagine. I can't imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's white people that'll fucking do anything for you, and then there's white people that'll pay half a million dollars for their retarded cunt daughter, could get into a fucking Ivy League school so they can go to parties and say, my little missy's at USC, she's a dumb as a box of fucking rocks. She's dumb as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's at USC, you know what I'm saying? There's some people who are proud of that. And you know, you look at that, and when I see that, you know who I feel fucking bad for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel bad for spick little nigga kids and little Chinese kids who work fucking hard, do a thousand fucking things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two or three years, I say. Yes, yeaah. And you picked the highest score. So, for fifteen thousand?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta look at you guys and tell you I'm a criminal. I've never cheated on a fucking test.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't have a high school diploma, you have points. There's a point system. Do you get, did you have a job when you got arrested?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when you go to prison, when you come out, how can they just sign the box and it's been disabled? You do know that? No. When you go to prison, you come out of prison, you claim disability.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the rest of your life. I didn't want to do that. You know how many people do that? A lot. And they get the food stamps?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then they get the other aid, and they'll walk out of prison with $1,200 a month. That's all they'll be able to make the rest of their life of work off the books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's how easy it is. I know in the eighties, eight it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe now you gotta piss in a bottle or whatever to get welfare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can milk it. Once you get out of prison, you can say that you are disabled. But you didn't want that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One year I can make sixty thousand and the second year I can make ninety.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so weird. It was segregated, but I broke that segregation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I made the guys that hung out with me break that segregation. Like it's weird that I'm married to a Terry Clark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because my best best friend in prison was a guy named John Clark who hated blacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chinks, Spanish, Jews, Hungarians, he, he was white power. But when he hung with me, he had to hang out with three yams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] John Clark, who was like heavy duty white supremacy, but not really. He went between the bikers and the white guys. He had the tattoos and shit. Me and him had visitation together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You and your wife would be on the other side of the, it would just be two of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I was tight with a guy named Spencer Antoine, a black dude who fucking, uh, sliced a guy up. And he had a really good attorney, so he had involuntary manslaughter. He killed him at a party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Like, he taught me about throwing your voice. This is a funny story. Yea. We were talking one night, we couldn't do drugs in there, cause they drug tested you. But you could do acid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we would do acid and meat at a certain bunker. Me, the two black dudes, and we would do that with John Clark and the librarian. The librarian was a deep guy. He liked doing acid and all this shit and he would talk to you about Venus and all this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But one day we were talking, and this guy, Etchi, was his name. He's like, man, I've been in here for too motherfucking long as shit. My freezers are slipping. And I'm like, freezer? And he goes, you know, my motherfucking freezers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't know what you're talking about. And he was telling me that when you go into a bank or a liquor store to rob somebody, how you say freeze is very important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody would be online getting their food, and there'd be people sitting and eating, and he would kick the door down and go, FREEZE MOTHERFUCKERS and wipe people with duck and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I used to go ahead and say, you killed me. And he'd run that drill every fucking Saturday. He'd run. If, if white dudes were cooking, he'd kick down the door, freeze! And they were, god damn it, you again. And then he would come up to me, he's like, I'm getting my freezes back up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tremendous, that's even better. Who wants to come?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how it usually goes, by the way. Yeah, that's it. It's an hour of fucking straight dick. But he can only come if he jerks off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would sit there in his table, like this was his table, and that's a fireplace. He would make them bend, don't, don't even look at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wouldn't even let them look at him. Just look towards the fireplace and bend over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do it. Like when you, when I was younger and I did coke, oh, that was dick for fucking four hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when you do come, it's one of those long loads. Yeah. You ever have those loads, like I used to, I used to be on probation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had until five o'clock, but you had to make an appointment. Then she'd tell you, no, no. If he answered, that means he was gonna watch you while you're pissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I put the Chinese down and she goes, what are you doing with your life? I'm getting divorced, but I got the stand-up comedy and I'm trying to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let you pay your own way. Estimated annual living expenses. You ever applied for a loan before? Seven thousand five hundred dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We in here talking about a big black dog. Big ol' dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would think he has a fucking, um, one of those hoop cock ring


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got dude wipes. What? Dude wipes. Dude wipes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I'ma put my hand in your kitty cat. We got it. Look, in your face. And I'ma do like that, I'ma smear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just spoke to Wesley, and besides that he said you were a class player and you let him alive in the first session, he said that it was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy, I'm gonna go mental illness on this one. I think so too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanted to tell you that getting to spend my anniversary with you the other day was one of the greatest moments of my life. Anyway, I'll, uh, I'll hop off of here, but have a good day, baby. Ciao.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't go back with that ex. I'ma fuckin' kill him too, put him in the backyard. Okay? Good morning, I love you. Good morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, Julia. It's Christmas time, Julia. I want to let you know, Julia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I built this for you cause I'm very, very good at building things. I built this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gingerbread house for you. Julia, I built it for you. Please come. Please, I built it for you, Julia. Watch, check the- Julia, check this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I do, baby. We can live in that gingerbread house if we want. I promise you that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the other twins got, uh, her, uh, father's fair skin and complexion and, uh, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got her father's fair skin and complexion and, uhm, supremacy. Good on you!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your finger's always in the right place. Do you know, do you know about this Joe Julia stuff? Do you know about this? No, I know about your Garth stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll be back to tucking- Oh, that's the wrong thing. Hold on. Here we go. This is a YMH-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't even flinch. He bounced off that trash can. It's so nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day. Tell you that meeting you yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. You were so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful you are to me. I mean just, you're gorgeous, you're precious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know. Cause I've been there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I understand when you're trying to find somebody and you go on dates and nothing compares to your ex, but there is that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this is the type of guy you're getting. I'm a very handy guy, and uh, I'd love to build you whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here, I'm gonna put you on the phone. Maybe you can just tell him a little bit more about the job. His name's Joe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of... The... Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo Guy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dammit Darren, this building's full of naked dudes hanging outside the window. Oh yea, this person doesn't real- you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or if you want to go super different, you should go black guy. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know they're gonna get sucked off on the road. Like that's part of the deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a few cage rats, but it's not like the NBA. Cause they know that unless you're Conor McGregor or freaking Brock Lesnar, you're getting probably paid the same that they are. So it's not that flashy. Right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bus nuts whenever you can man. Don't hold that in. Really? It's old school man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when I was fighting, I retired like six years ago, so DM's really wasn't that big of a deal. Right. But even now, if I go into a city, you know, I have a fiancee, I go into a city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotta try, so you get like tit, tit pics. Y'all get some weird shit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on here, single Josh. The thing is, is I play as many football games for the Bills as you did, so let's relax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I give him like, yeaah, something to- Kinda give him like a little nickname, right? Yeaah, like if I met her at Pizza Hut, I'd be like, Chicago Pizza Hut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm familiar with it. Uhm, I wouldn't waste my, again, I wouldn't waste my mouths, but I'd respond back, alright, when, you know, like, what's good, let's do it. So I think like when you think it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do it. Shops thing is basically it's for my be direct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta set your standards higher, man. I guess so. I'm not Jim Kelly over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what they all stand for, right? So if you have an eggplant, that's a dick. You have a peach, that's the ass. Right. And then there's, when there's the watermarks, that's cum. The mouth is you're coming into the mouth. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up dude? I mean, okay. Alright. You can edit it out of the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are they good? If they're, if they're asshole shots, I don't want to see it. If it's like Hope Solo, I don't want to see that shit. You ever seen her nudes? No. Ah! God, you guys need to start. The soccer player? The soccer player. Her, her nudes got leaked and they are so graphic. She's opened up her asshole. Really? It's so disturbing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Game on. Bruh. There's a video of two of them. What? Oh, and she's kissing. Oh, and she has a strap on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, I'm sure you're super nice, but the iPhone 1's a creepy vibe, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you said you're here with Tom's twin. Dude, every time I see him I go, you look like my friend Segura, you look like my friend Segura. I thought you guys looked identical. Now before you go bad on me, ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there. I think he passed away. What? I went to go get my hair cut, uh, last week, and there was like a huge picture up of him, and they're like, uh, he had a heart attack, and he's on live support, and we're doing a GoFundMe, and I was like, I can't believe it. I know, before we go bad on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what does the, uh, caption say there? What does it say? Fun fact, did you know my barber is Tom Seger's Mexican brother. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because in my mind, I was just- Kind of mean, would you say? As a joke. See, I felt like mine was more fun. Yours was fun. And yours was like, apparently Brent's been hunched in the face so many times he doesn't recognize his friends. I was like, god damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Facially a little bit? I don't- I know man, I don't think so. I mean he's got tattoos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about this right here? Wow, Rob Kardashian. You don't see- I guess if I ate all the fucking honey in the world- What are you talking about? Yea, what? It does- it looks just like you!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That looks like you, you don't see that? Yea. You don't know, I'm on this crazy diet now where I do no sugar, no carbs, nothing. Are you? Yea, for a while. Ever since, and you're right, you're right when...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nooo. He's back on getting fat. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's your Comedy Store picture. That's, that's my Comedy Store picture. And why do they keep using it? I don't know. They just pull whatever they can get, I guess. Or the laugh factor keeps using this one to mean a fucking turtle neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's thick for sure, but there's no way he's 290.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well now that I moved, though, I haven't been there since. That's too far, right? I know. I gotta find one around here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm growing my shit out like Bradley Cooper. So wait, you do look thinned out though. How long you been doing this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four days now. Four days, that's it? Four days of super strict.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we are moving, it's hard for me, uh, to stick to my diet and workout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the, I'm the, yeah, Sting. You're the Sting. It's the king in the Sting. So, Theo thinks you guys don't like him by the way. Why? I don't know, he's like, he's like, cause we got done doing the show today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, what are you doing? And I filmed a show before that for Showtime. One of your nine shows. Yes. And, uh, he's like, where are you going? I'm like, I'm going to do your mom's house with, with Tom and Christina. He's like, ah, he's like, I'm like, have you done it before? I love them. He's like, nope, they don't invite me, man. He's like, I don't think they like me. I think that's your issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I've been doing, cause I, you know, I've, I've, I've known Theo for whatever, two, three years now. I was like, ain't it crazy? We'll start the same thing. He's like, dude, I've been doing comedy for 14 years. He said that? I forget. I, I forget, like I, I don't know. I forgot how long he's been doing it. I was just like, look at us doing it, man. And he's like, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's on a diet. I'm sure everyone would get pink eye. Yea, I don't want to touch that.


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[Assistant] Nope. Keep it sexy. Wow. You do keep it sexy. Never fart in front of any of my girlfriends or nothing.


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[Assistant] When did you get it? Uhh, I got it when I shot my special.


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[Assistant] You've done business with him? Yea. You've bought things from him before? Yea. Yea, I bought my girls ring from him.


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[Assistant] I'm just gonna wear it the rest of the show, okay?


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[Assistant] He was, not anymore thanks to CBD oil. Really? What was wrong with him? Real story.


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[Assistant] There's like all like doctors like, oh, let's put them on some medication. Let's do this. Let's do this. And then, uh, I went to these forums and the mom's like, do not give them medication. It fucks up.


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[Assistant] Everything you're doing, try CBD oil. And I have some friends who know some people in CBD oil business, so I'm like, I'm gonna try that before I try anything else. Tried it, hasn't had one since. Great. Dude. And I got that chain when we figured out that the CBD oil fixed it, so. How are you feeling right now? Just look.


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[Assistant] I'll set you up with a guy to come to your house. Dude. Get your deal. You reach out to her. Look at her, shaking her head. That's all I asked for. Why are you hating? Why are you hating? That's all I asked for. Look at him, he looks dope.


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[Assistant] I was like, well, we're probably gonna hang out after, you know? Yea, it's a full day. Yea, yea. We're gonna get- Maybe you gotta celebrate the next day. Yeaah. It's gonna be with the boys. Right. We're gonna get something to eat.


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[Assistant] Feels like it. Really? Sure. Alright. You're only 40, dude. 39. 39. 39. You're young as fuck too. Oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] He's a little stiff in the lower region, isn't he? Hmm. He looks like Yellow Baster from Sin City.


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[Assistant] I just had the one out for the special. Uh, no, I had the gold one out because it's from my son. This dude gave you this? Yeah. Man.


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[Assistant] What's up, Doug? What's up? How about you want that chain? You want that thick like Rick Ross chain we were talking about here? Uhm, I mean, I'm down for any of it, you know? God, you look dope, dude. Hey, it's uh, it's your birthday.


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[Assistant] I don't do rings. I'm the same. I like, I like. Bracelets? No, watches. Watches, necklaces. Yeah, that's the way to go.


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[Assistant] That big dick energy. Big dude energy.


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[Assistant] You know what I feel mostly like a baller is when my fridge is stocked with Diet Cokes. You like that? I think it's a kid thing. When I was a kid, when my mom would go grocery shopping and they would be filled with all of our favorite foods, I'd open up like


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[Assistant] It's gonna be a good week. Yeah. And I think for whatever reason it triggers that now. Do you like drinking Diet Cokes? Yeah. I open it up and there's just a 24 pack and I'm just like, fuck yeah, I'm doing it right.


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[Assistant] It's almost like, uh, I don't know, if I'm home, I want something like a drink, a beverage. So I'll go through like five, six a day.


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[Assistant] I feel great right now. Although I was getting pretty sick from drinking so much coffee so I started throwing up and stuff on set. What? What? That's not bad. I went to the doctor and they said your body is just so acidic from all the coffee. Seriously? Yea, I was throwing up in ubers, on set, it was bad. How much were you drinking? Like 16-18 cups a day.


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[Assistant] Well there's, so my Showtime stuff would blow the belt.


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[Assistant] Right? So I do that. And that's a, that's what? That's a, that's on Mondays. You cover fights? Well that, it's like a, it's a fight show like, like the beginning of just my life and then I break down fights and inside information stuff like that. So that's Mondays. That's it, right? So I go from there and I shoot fighting the kid with Brian Callan.


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[Assistant] On Monday. On Monday. So you do both on Monday. Both on Monday. This is every Monday. Every Monday.


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[Assistant] And then Tuesday I shoot more stuff for Showtime below the belt, which it might be a food truck diary show where it's me and a fighter and we're at a food truck doing an interview at the food trucks. And that's one of the seconds we do. And I do King in the Sting with Theo. That's Tuesdays. Okay. And then usually I always have stand up Tuesday nights, at least two sets. You doing sets tonight?


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[Assistant] Yeaah, three tonight. Comedy store, and uhm, the improv.


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[Assistant] So then, Wednesday's out fighting the kid. We should have a guest.


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[Assistant] And then Thursdays, I usually have something else for show time and then stand up at night. And then Fridays, I'm usually on the road or stand up here in LA. Wow.


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[Assistant] How much are you road dogging it right now? I, I was off the road cause I shot my special in January, so I get back on the road in March. Wow. It's exciting to have the special taping up. Good, good, really good. San Diego. Yea, really, really good. Spreckels Theater in San Diego. San Diego's a good town. Great town.


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[Assistant] Uh, you'd be surprised. That's a good name for it. That's gonna be fun, man. That's awesome. Back on the road, dawg. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Pretty exciting. You're gonna rack up those road dollars, right? Yeah. I feel like we've lost all energy in our bodies. Do you know where...


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[Assistant] I don't know, but Brogan warned me about it.


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[Assistant] The old one? No. The new one's gonna be good. The new one's supposed to be good. So I go there, DC, or I'm sorry, Miami Improv, and then, uh, we just did, uh, Milwaukee. We added Milwaukee.


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[Assistant] I think it's the third week in, uh, March. Pabst Theater? Yeah. I've done Milwaukee Pabst Theater. Yeah, it's great. Is it? Awesome. I've never done it. I always get worried about going to new markets.


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[Assistant] I'm pretty excited about Milwaukee because I've never been there. Milwaukee's great. Yea, I go Miami, Milwaukee, and I end in March in DC. DC improv. There you go.


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[Assistant] What do you guys got going? You back on the road? I feel like I don't see you guys at the comic store that much.


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[Assistant] You're smart. I don't fuck around. It's so nice to get in and out. I find myself turning down a lot of stuff because... Too late. I just don't want to take away from my son.


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[Assistant] That's brutal, right? Brutal. Stand up at night and then wake up with the little one? Yea.


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[Assistant] That's what we do. That's how it is. We need to get our kids together. I know. Dude, there's no excuse now, we're fucking next to each other. Super close to each other. Yeah. So, in here, who all records? In this whole, in this, is this whole building, is this like a Rogan thing? So we're here.


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[Assistant] Every week. Uh, Dr. Drew is there.


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[Assistant] Love Dr. Drew. By the way, I heard Dr. Drew has the biggest hog.


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[Assistant] I gotta bring that up. It's like a pipe, I heard. Really? I guess it's like crazy big.


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[Assistant] He's Jack. You see the biceps on that dude?


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[Assistant] Those chains are changing, oh man. Definitely. You want, you want the swag.


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[Assistant] That's a little fucked up. Thank you! Could've asked, but I'm with him making it more...


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[Assistant] Oh god. You guys have been together for a hot second.


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[Assistant] It's impossible to text and listen to someone. It's hard. You tell a story and someone's on their text and you're like, uh-huh, uh-huh. You're like, you're not listening, motherfucker. You're not listening.


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[Assistant] She has OCD and she's like real clean and I just don't give a fuck. I'm too busy conquering other stuff so I don't care if there's a mess or something like that. I'll get to it. You know? It's not a priority for me.


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[Assistant] Usually Saturdays and Sundays I leave my phone upstairs. I don't even touch my phone.


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[Assistant] If I have like a show or something the following week, I'll post that morning and I just, I don't even touch it.


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[Assistant] And most of my friends know that if they want to get a hold of me at Saturday and Sunday, I won't be around my parents.


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[Assistant] My shit pops up and I'm like, you're down 30% from last week. You only spent 4 hours and 30 minutes a day. That's a lot. Like, what the fuck? But does that, but I'm thinking they're counting podcasts I listen to when I drive. They're counting everything.


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[Assistant] They say you can only have one headshot in the household, but you guys are the only couple that's figured it out.


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[Assistant] Everyone has a problem. I mean, I'm sure if you brought my girl in here, she'd say the exact same thing. The exact same as Tom.


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[Assistant] Well, my main characteristic, my specialty, is uh, face farting.


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[Assistant] After you experience me, you won't even know who your ex-boyfriend is.


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[Assistant] Your teeth would be all purple and gross, right?


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[Assistant] Well, my main characteristic, my specialty, is uh, face farting.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and thinking of those times of...


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[Assistant] How I've compromised myself because I was so afraid to be alone. And this desert reminded me of...


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Bombs House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


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[Assistant] I was jammin' out with him because Lou Reed. Were you? Were you? You hate Lou Reed. I do. I don't hate him, but uhm. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Well first, the child was crying at 1, 1.30.


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[Assistant] When I got back to bed, man, that really,


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[Assistant] I don't remember fully disrespecting this guy when he died.


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[Assistant] No, I have somewhat of a recollection. I think what happened, to be fair, is that when he died, it's like, what's he known for? I was like, oh, I don't care for that. Like whatever he did, I don't care for, so.


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[Assistant] No. And therefore his death is like, you know, I'm not happy he's dead, but I'm just saying like, you know.


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[Assistant] I don't know how this came to us but this is from...


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[Assistant] Definitely not enunciating the way you should be with a toothpick in your mouth.


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[Assistant] Why are they disdaining? I would pluralize it, these toothpicks. Why do you think he's so upset?


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[Assistant] The level of disrespect for the people that ask me to come in, I'm gonna do a voice over with a toothpick in my mouth.


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[Assistant] I know, but why don't you start chewing gum? Be like, I'm gonna do the fucking voiceover with chewing gum.


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[Assistant] We're trying to get ahead of the game, cause, uh, she has, Christina has this tumor in her belly and we gotta...


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[Assistant] Something like that. I forget the word, the word together. I gotta take a shit. I gotta take a shit. But then when I went to shit, it wasn't a shit. It was a baby.


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[Assistant] These descriptions, no? Looks like if I took the toothpick out.


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[Assistant] I already can, by the way, I can already tell you that I'll get these butthurt emails now.


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[Assistant] I know the title. No, no. It was Saturday night. Okay. Yeah. Saturday night.


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[Assistant] Does he like them? He played it for me, yeaah. He played it for me and I bought it. I like the song. I like the way it opened.


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[Assistant] This kid Craig told me about this. I told you the whole story. He said he was going hogging, and I go, where's that? He's like, come on, man.


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[Assistant] You know what Hoggin is? No, he's like, you just go try to find the fattest chick you can find. Fuck her, you know? Yeah.


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[Assistant] No! He's a guy that lived in the dorm. There's a lot of weird fucking people in that place.


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[Assistant] Oh shit. We used to call this one kid, what did we call him? Great, here we go. We call them like... N-word? No, we call them like...


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[Assistant] It was pretty gross. There was definitely gross people all over that hall. And this guy with his hogging was pretty gross too.


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[Assistant] It's really bad. Big black cocks. Where are the social


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[Assistant] Stab him for laughing at that. You shouldn't laugh at certain things. No, you should not. You should be told when it's okay to laugh and when it's not okay to laugh. I believe in that. Wholeheartedly.


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[Assistant] Somebody said they had a lung infection epiphany.


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[Assistant] Mommy, I was listening to episode 451 when something big dawned on me.


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[Assistant] So scatting is a type of vocal music that involves using nonsensical syllables to sing non-vocal dance tunes. In my opinion,


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[Assistant] Cause it is a no-brainer. Why? Why? You could tell that for a stroke guy...


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[Assistant] He has awareness, you know. A social awareness, if you will. He does. The, the other guy...


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[Assistant] I mean this guy, he's even more articulate, it makes me feel like there's more, you know.


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[Assistant] He's gross. I think he's pretty gross. I think bad things happen when you're around him. The try it out guy? No fucking way.


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[Assistant] After recently being in a friend's wedding, I received a thank you card from her that ended, you are the reason my husband and I started farting in front of each other.


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[Assistant] We do, but we don't actually like browns. We just like...


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[Assistant] It's a great thing to bring up to the next person that doesn't want to fart in front


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[Assistant] You wanna take a quick peachy break? Yeah, I gotta go sissy. Okay, then we'll wait for Aerie.


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[Assistant] Alright, uh, we did it. It was great. We're back with the one and only, YOU JEW MOTHERFUCKER YOU! Ari Shaffir!


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[Assistant] And they were like, well now they would just be like, you know.


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[Assistant] What the fuck are you talking about, Broke? No, that's not an option. They, uh, they have an email in there from him, from his business manager to him.


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[Assistant] What am I supposed to do? It's the holidays. Like I have a family. People, you know, rely on me.


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[Assistant] I know, his, his is, it really is though, like a psychological disorder, I think. Like legit.


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[Assistant] I know what I spent. How much did you spend? I think 300. Okay, he went to Singapore. Okay. He dropped 110 grand on suits. Well, see, if he had just gone across the water.


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[Assistant] How much did he spend on that? 5 million. Well, they claimed, the article claimed 3 million, and when he was met with that, he goes, that's bullshit. It was 5 million.


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[Assistant] And he's the guy who's, who's definitely like whatever you say, he's like, we gotta do it. Alright.


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[Assistant] They were like, can you sell your villa in France that you don't go to?


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[Assistant] And he's like, I'll make a fuckload of money and we'll be alright. And then he'll blow it all immediately. Spend it all. They're crazy. That's why you see him also in those like weird...


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[Assistant] I'm buying his fucking bullshit, man. Did you get a suit? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Oh, but you know what, back to the, uh, the hardware thing. One thing that's kind of, I realize is the difference now in culture, is uhm, the, when you fire someone, like when you're done with them,


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[Assistant] That's what they judge you now on is how swiftly and absolute and clearly that is the


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[Assistant] No, I, when I read it, cause I read it, I'm like, that's funny to say. Yeah, exactly. It's such a harsh overboard thing to say. It's like, uh, I'll never forget he said it. I'm like, oh, come on.


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[Assistant] The ultra liberals are out of their fucking minds. The far left is, they are, they are crazy as shit. And they're completely without any reason and they don't care. And a big reason I think that they act out in this way right now is because the power lies with the other side.


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[Assistant] I mean obviously both extremes are extremes, and they act like complete fucking lunatics. The far left would eat their young, and they'll do, if you don't respond the way they want you to respond to every situation, that's it.


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[Assistant] Do you want to feel the applause of the people who hear you say that you're offended? Because then they think of you as this righteous...


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[Assistant] Do you know about, as funny as that, two hours ago, I guess, thinking about his catalog, Chappelle stopped in.


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[Assistant] Like screaming in the professor's face because he suggested something that, you know, I'm also supposed to be safe.


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[Assistant] This is hurting right now, me emotionally. They're like, what are you fucking stupid?


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[Assistant] Something's bothering you. You wouldn't express it. They wouldn't get it out of you. They wouldn't coach you through it because they weren't raised like that. And then we move into the era where they're like, Hey, you can be really in touch with feelings and emotions. And then that gets heightened so much to overcompensate for an entire era where nobody did it. It feels like that's almost kind of.


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[Assistant] It's an extreme. It's too much. It's too much. It's just terrible. By the way, don't call me a gent. I was born in 88. I don't know what year you're in.


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[Assistant] What does she think of it? She really hates it.


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[Assistant] They used to do that thing where like you, you hit your own back, right?


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[Assistant] What, what era were you the most hardcore, you think, in your belief? Like if somebody were to ask, if somebody were to stop you and be like, hey are you into this? You'd be like, the fuck are you asking me?


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[Assistant] Oh, so 20, you're, you're diehard. Diehard. Wow. Yeah. Diehard. That's pretty, that's pretty grown up. Yeah. I mean, I fucking.


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[Assistant] But he- he's not as hardcore as you were at Tw-


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[Assistant] Are you ready? Ready? And like, and I would just go and then it's like out of college.


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[Assistant] You know, conversations like, I get phone calls like, are you going to church out there? And I'd be like, yeah, all the time.


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[Assistant] There would be things like, we would sleep in, let's say, when I came home to visit. Yeah. And then it's like, uh,


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[Assistant] You know, be like, well you missed the, you know, the 11 o'clock mass.


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[Assistant] They would bring it, like, you're not gonna go to church this week or something? And I would be like, I don't think so. And they're like, okay.


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[Assistant] So, but it is funny how, I mean, it's really like, it does, it does, it is, you feel kinda shitty when


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[Assistant] He called me, and he's like, I've been eating so much. And I go, why? He's like, I ran that marathon. I go, in April. That was so long ago! I go, how long do you think the afterburn lasts? He's like, I know, but.


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[Assistant] No, I just saw that he had posted this thing. He did that tour with those guys over the weekend.


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[Assistant] Oh, they're like, what am I, 150? This, yea, I mean. He takes up most of the screen. He looks CGI. His back is distended and everything, yea, it's really...


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[Assistant] It's been going hard. I bet if we did the Wayans right now, you'd be like, oh fuck.


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[Assistant] I remember him saying it, calling me on and telling me about it.


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[Assistant] Uh, wait, what are you doing, uh, Edinburgh's, is it August? All of August, second. Have you done?


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[Assistant] So yeaah, I'm definitely one of the Americans that doesn't. Because I would hate to be somewhere for a month.


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[Assistant] I did eight shows in a row. Where? Like a year ago somewhere. Oh. No, no, somewhere here. And I was like, dude, I called my agent and I was like, come on, man. It's a marathon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you have the full range of shows, right? I mean, I guess that if you're doing 25, you have, you have, you have train wreck shows. Do you have like.


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[Assistant] So you're, you're transitioning to a European kind.


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[Assistant] Like when you just go out and you just try to find the fattest chick possible, like you're hunting for hogs. That's Tripoli stuff. Tripoli loves that.


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[Assistant] Have you ever had like a request though? Like I'm saying as far as, you know, not necessarily shitting on, but something where you're like, that was a fucking crazy request.


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[Assistant] So we start to bang, and after about 22 to 24 good thrusts, I shoot my load into my girl's vagina. Immediately following this,


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[Assistant] And does she go like, hey, that's a lot of cum. That's a lot of cum. Like, yea baby, fillin' you up. And he's like, hold on, don't move. And she's like, uhm, how gross would it be to have, be peed inside of it?


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[Assistant] I think also they, she probably got to the point that one was probably like, just had breakfast like I get over at McAfee's house.


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[Assistant] That's uhm, yeaah, he's nasty as fuck though, man.


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[Assistant] What about just another opioid? Why don't you, why do you go straight to heroin? Just try something else.


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[Assistant] I mean, what's a... What should I say? Was it methadone?


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[Assistant] You should do math though. Makes your dick super hard. Oh really? Yeaah. You'll come faster and harder than you've ever come before. You won't believe how big your dick gets.


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[Assistant] So do you, are you the open urination kind of guy? What? You just piss in front of people and stuff? You just piss on the... No!


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[Assistant] We have people doing it jogging. We had women do it. We had a woman do it in a seductive way. We've had, uh, aggressive.


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[Assistant] Yeah, uh, we had the, uh, kind of, um, like the law and order scene where the guy had like a whiskey with him and he was like, you know, try it out, man. So here's a polite try it out.


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[Assistant] That's uh, that's pretty good, man. That's, that's pretty good. I enjoy it.


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[Assistant] How much do you want to ridicule these people?


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[Assistant] Would you participate? Yeah, absolutely. You put on the mermaid.


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[Assistant] You lived in Greensboro? Yeah. When? When? Till fourth grade. Oh.


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[Assistant] I don't think it's hurting anybody. I mean, I think it's beyond absurd. I wanna see them walk. I don't wanna see them like, they're like, uh, it's hard to walk in this thing that I paid three grand for.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it doesn't happen all the time.


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[Assistant] So you gotta rent out the whole pool, or can you, this seems like a giant pool, do you


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[Assistant] It's one o'clock now, get out, we're doing laps. Take your cum fins out of here so I can work out.


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[Assistant] How does she know she's the first? People still drown at every convention, but every week it gets better. Yeaah, there's a big one there. Big old mermaid.


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[Assistant] Had an ad out for renting his home. So then a guy was like, I'm interested in renting this place. And then...


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[Assistant] He answered the phone and was like, oh talk to my dad, or my uncle, it's his place. And then used the soundboard to be the piss on me, beat me guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was fantastic. Played it perfectly. It's perfect. Wow. So he did another one where he called, um, this Texas rapper that he found on Craigslist. Um, he's been calling him as different members of Will Smith's family and, uh, and this time he got, he got this kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To talk to a soundboard of Jaden Smith, Will Smith's son. I mean, the kid talks to him, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a random guy, who I guess has put that he's a rapper. Oh yea. Online. And, I don't know, it's so, how disconnected


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, at this point this guy's having like a fucking five minute conversation. What is this? What is this? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like they're both pretty- Somebody rapping is- At you? Yeah, if someone's like, you wanna hear me spit? And you're like, okay. And then they actually- Yeah, I would love to hear you spit. Yeah, and then they actually go for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean this guy just is full hook line. Full in. Yea, he's all in on this. Asking for advice, saying crazy shit, but I think, I think he's pretty fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I've been home for a couple weeks. I'm going to stay home through most of August. Because of this kid? Because of this kid, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not too crazy actually. It's not too crazy. It's two weekends a month through November. Oh, I gotta pee again guys. Let's wrap it up, let's wrap it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm DJ Dadmouth1, so uh, we'll be jumping on in there maybe? Can I do tomorrow? I don't know if I can do tomorrow or not. But I'm going to be there as often as I can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you might have been the very first, well the first person that like posted something of mine that, that like blew it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. And did you send Joe Rogan stuff? Yes. Oh, so yea, you started my whole Instagram year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first one was real, like I surprise her sometimes, but she'll know, you know, I'm doing something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nailed it. Yeah, she's good. She nailed it. She gets nervous and, uh, uh, self doubt. Yeah. Which I recognize. That it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they, uh, I first started just doing straight up and then I was trying to figure out how to get them to talk to each other, cause it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People have done it where they just cut back and forth, so I thought about the FaceTiming so I can all see them at once, which works for the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a, uh, what do you call it? Hot off the press premiere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done it for a few years, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, but, and I, I, yeaah, I was auditioning for like MadTV or something, and I sorta tried to get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went in and I auditioned for Saturday Night Live and you know, they fly out of New York and everything. A while ago? Yeaah, 2010. Okay. And I, I like had everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was out of my mind. Cause you're also in a hotel room for two days by yourself running. I just ran it over and over and I was like six minutes. And then I get there and I just was not in a place where I could perform. I was just so nervous. Seriously? Yeah. And I was like, please not first. And they were like, first up is Kyle Dunigan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they were miking me and I could tell I didn't have my, uh, you can't get to your facilities when you're nervous, when you're really nervous. I couldn't even, so the guy counting me in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was this, the cameraman goes, I'll count you in, three, two, one, you'll write into your stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I walk out there and like, Lauren Michaels, everyone's on a table over here to the left. And I just walked out and I kind of stood there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like waiting and nothing was happening. And then Lauren goes, hello? Like, hello? Like say hi to us. I was like, oh, hi, hi, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I just kept staring, waiting for that count and the guy told me it was coming and it wasn't coming. And then Lauren goes, are you okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you just, you don't have to be a dick about it. Yeah, there's like, uh, I stopped going to auditions. I don't know why I have an agent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I write the checks and I go, what was this? It got me zero things in like a decade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went on an audition a year and a half ago. That's the last audition. Yeah, I got it and then never got another audition for a year and a half. I should leave though, it's just one of those things where it's on your to-do list. Oh yeah, yeah. No, you should leave today. Yeah. Send the email on the way out here. Okay, cool. I mean seriously. Yeah, but then if you, you know, you go, well, what if something comes up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't give away my seat. What do you mean, like, how do I build it? I'll just do the one who talks the most first, and I'll make like a script so when I'm talking I'll be talking in my mouth so it times out when I have to do the other ones. I'll say their lines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is cool how open it is, and the things that are gonna be coming are gonna be surprising. I'm not sure what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, well you, uh, you started my, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bill Maher's good friends with her and he's like, just come on our plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he had his own private jet. So he went on there and clearly like he was bummed I was a tag along thing. He was like such a dick to me. He was? But anyway, yeaah, he really was. He made no effort to make me feel at all comfortable. But look, I was a hanger on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was in a dressing room at the, uhm, Pasadena club, ice house, and it's hacked, there's nowhere to like go hang, like all the comedians have to be, and he kicked everyone out of the dressing room, we're all just standing there like, he did? He did? Yeah. We weren't allowed in the green room, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're all standing in the hallway. Because Bill needs the green room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm aware to learn too much about someone because you always end up liking them, you know? You go, oh, that's why they're like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or he saw being tough is a way of getting respect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks at people who are nice as weak. That's kind of what Trump is like a little bit. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But that's cultural. Yeah. They used to always not smile in photos. Yeah. It started like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like a marriage, like my grandparents' marriage photo, they're just like, looks like they're having a terrible time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't notice that. Let me see, well, it's very slight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you care what you look like, you care to be- look cool and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to be good looking and I'm still hanging on to that. It didn't, like I maybe peaked at a six and now I'm trying, it's just getting ugly every day. It's just upsetting me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I look in the mirror, I think I'm tired. And then I go, no, you're dying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have an unusual body, but I'm very thin, but my gut will just come straight out like a pregnant man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. There's a family, they just eat off the, uh, universe and light. Do you see about that article last week? It's gotta be a lie, but they have kids and they say they just like stare at the sun, take the universe energy and they don't eat food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, that's pretty cool. I do that too, nothing happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, not a food. You look like you're in good shape though. I, yeah, I'm like nat- like I have tiny bones, but like I'm actually- You're a naturally lean guy. But like my BMI is bad. Really? Like my hips are really small, like which goes from like hip stomach ratio is not good. I'm an illusion. There's something very-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of weird things about my body. Like, don't look right now, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I hurt my neck one time. This is actually a weird story, but I was having a dream. I was twisting off the top to a giant Coke bottle can, like a seven foot thing. And I'm twisting and I woke up in agonizing pain with my hands wrapped around my head. On your own head? Yeah. I twisted my own head. So then I, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds almost unbelievable. Yeah, and never happened again, one time weird thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I had a neck brace. On my Instagram, the picture, you can see a neck brace and I had it on for almost a year. But the reason I could have had it on less, what I realized is the muscles go around the injury and they like tighten around it. And I didn't, I didn't, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kept tweaking it, thinking it was still hurt, but it was the muscles that needed to be stretched out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I went to the doctor, got an x-ray, and the doctor was looking at my x-ray for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doctor to look at your x-ray like he's never seen something before. So I was like, am I dying? Like what's up? And he goes, you have the neck of a seven foot man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But am I, I'm 5'9", so I have the legs of a 12 year old girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I didn't mean to hijack the show, what we're talking about. Do it, do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, what do you wanna know about me? You have any questions?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No last, baby. Of how many? Three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Total. Three total? Yeaah. And those two older brother cop?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, hardest job, by the way. Not hardest, man, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he just goes, you go where people are being assholes all day long. Oh, I can't imagine. All day. I know. It's called racist stuff, you just test it, keep taking it, and you go in with a turn on the TV, and the TV kinda tells you you're a racist cop. Yeah. You just have to take it, you have to take everything.