[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a, uh, when I was doing a show, I was living in California and I was doing a show in New York. So I was traveling back and forth all the time and it was, uh, and they had to try out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fly you in the union, they have to fly you business class the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was getting business class flights all year and then it was just great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it got cancelled, the show got cancelled, and then I ran out of my own miles, like the juice, it was like another year later, I'm back to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom again, and I'm in coach on United, sitting in the back, just middle seat, back to normal, and the flight attendant, this flight attendant comes back and he goes, what are you doing back here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, my show's canceled, I'm over it, I got no, I got no prospects. He goes, oh my god. And he, he marches to the front and then like, uh, towards the end of the flight, he comes back with a cookie wrapped in a napkin and he goes, you'll be back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five, six years later, I was in business class just getting in an upgrade and he came over and he goes, I told you, you'd be back. Really? Five years later, five years later, he remembered me the whole thing. He goes, I knew you'd be back. Do you remember me? I'm like, you. You're in my nightmare. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In front of everybody? And then he leaves and everyone's like, well who do you think you are? You shouldn't be here with us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just in coach coming back this Saturday. I had this crazy like show near San Francisco. Red Eye to New York. Did a show right back at six in the morning. You know, the dad flight back. Yup. In coach next to this old couple. And this woman next to me would fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be loud, it would surprise me, it would surprise her equally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she would get up and like run to the bathroom. Like something was happening and she had to go take care of it every time. Happened like six times on the flight. Loud farts? Loud, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, uh, grandma loud, you know? Yeah, yeah. Not like man loud. Right. Like grandma loud. Yeah, it's a different type of part. Yeah. But enough for me to hear it with my bows on. Yes. With your bows on. With my bows on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, that's close. Yeah. And uh, that, that's tough to like feel good about being in coach. Like you try that to be like, I'm in the front row of,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm just trying to be, you know what, don't be an asshole Tom, just be cool. Big, what? You should be flying business, why? Just sit there for six hours like a normal person, and just, what, why do you, this isn't the part of my head. And then this lady's farting on me for six hours, I'm like, I really do not deserve this. Well you didn't deserve this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's real. Like, you know, I've been writing a lot over the last couple of years where I've got stuff I've got, I haven't seen a movie on a plane in two years. And I, when you're in coach, if the guy in front of you puts his chair back a hair, you can't open your laptop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost like they're like, you're poor. Why should you try and get up? Why should you try and make more money doing what you do? Stay there and miss your assignments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they've shrunken the amount of space that they're jamming us in back there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's over. Really? Yeaah. Get a neck pillow, drop it in front. It's uh, it's a courtesy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's a fake. That's a fake? It's a fake by the airline. It's like, we still give you room, go ahead, recline. I see what you're saying. Yeah, and then you recline and you're in a fist fight with a, with a, uh, copy machine salesman from Des Moines. Yeah. Because he's at his wits end because he's on this flight all the time and he can't open his goddamn laptop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I try to let it all go, and if you recline...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'll just deal with it. You don't know. Maybe this is your only flight for the year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they don't know. Hey, it does recline. Okay, you know, I'm not gonna attack and I have, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's gonna do it, he's gonna do it, and then he did it, and he starts jamming it, and he gets like aggressive, and there's a lot of guys like that. There are guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really just feel like they've taken, they've really just sucked so much of the space out to the point where I even have like a wheelie bag that, you know, was sold to me for overhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, no, that doesn't fit anymore. That's like the old and you went back to the Toomey place and the new one is like so much smaller and you're just torturing the shit out of people. You're shrinking it down and now you can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fit your wheelie bag up in the top and then, but, and everyone's fighting for the top because they're being charged extra money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people, they're just paying for the ticket. Right. Now you're gonna charge them for their bag and you're telling them they can't- We're all in this, like, intense battle royale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They pretend they have Alzheimer's. They're just like bumbling with their ticket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It happened to me in Newark and this guy, it was massive and they were holding boarding so the crowd was just swelling and it was just like, you know, and they're really being adamant about the zones and this guy had like a six on his and he had a hat and he was doing every move, every passive aggressive


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying to make jokes with people on his way up, trying to do, and we're, look, I'm looking at him and I'm like, this mother, he is, he is just going for it. There was no justice. There was no stopping him. People were saying loudly, this is only zone one right now. And it's like war of the worlds, just trying to get down to the dock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he got to the front and the gate attendant, which is your last line of defense, looked at it and said, uh, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, what? That's fake ignorance. What? This is zone six, sir. Oh, I'm just with my friend up there. Another bullshit thing. No, sir. Get, get out of the line, sir. That makes you feel sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of the times if you act like an asshole you are rewarded. That's true. I say it to my wife all the time like when she's calling for something like for the house or something at school with the kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, she's not going to summer camp. They just won't let, I'm like, you think that other moms are not like raising hell? I said, you have to act like a spoiled piece of garbage. Yes. And you're get, you'll get everything you want. If you're just like, oh, that's cool. All right, sorry. They said no. They said no, no, no. You got to call up my child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the best way to see if you can be friends with this person. True. It comes out. When you travel and people get in those stress, and it is stressful, I get it. But if you get, if you, like, I've had good friends that just become that guy. Yeah. Just like, well, but that's just the way it goes. You're like, oh, I guess we're not hanging out anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know. Well, you fly into Newark Airport, and you get on the New Jersey Turnpike, and you watch the Jersey Shore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you think that's Jersey. Right. And you're like, and for 95% of it, it is, it's pretty accurate. Yeah. But there's some good, there's still a lot of great stuff for it. And I, I just have this affinity for all of these great old cities in New Jersey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Passaic and Paterson and Newark and Trenton and Camden and like, these were all like amazing places, amazing cities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That are all on their ass. They're just, you know, poverty and drugs and it's a lot of tax money in New Jersey and it's a lot of corruption. These politicians just ruin these great great places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've thought about it like in these places and I've done stuff for politicians in New Jersey and you see these guys and they don't seem like bad people, some seem shady, but you know, like I always think like, well what if I were to become the mayor of one of these towns?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You realize like what those first week of meetings must be like. Like who shows up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And who tells you the way things really run? Right. You're like, I'm going to make clean the streets and they're going to have lemonade stands and we're going to help the schools. And some dudes like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is what happens. You give us a hundred thousand dollars off of the transit budget every six months, or your wife, uh, will be chopped up and put in the river. You know what I mean? There's gotta be a lot of that going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deep, deep rooted, people making a lot of money off of it. And, but there's, when you're in these places, you know, my sister runs this non-profit in, uh, Clifton called City Green, which helps all of these young families and people in these cities with, uh, city gardens and learning gardens and it's through nature trying to help these places out. And it really has like a real effect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any like, any just little shine of light, I think it takes a million lights, but I think of just shooting my special in Newark in this great Victoria Theater. That's cool. Was a cool thing to do, you know, and it, and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, because I come from there, I had this great following, so they all showed up, so the shows had a real pop to them. They were all my fans, and they were excited to be there, and it was just positive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally. They don't forget it. I did one in Cleveland and I'm like, you know, I have, it's like that's my, one of my hometowns now. Like every time you go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and this special is like very uplifting. It's very positive. It's very much like, you know, you're doing great. Yeah, you're kind of fighting against the anxiety of the world. Like I know things aren't amazing, but you know what? They're not supposed to be. And you actually are doing pretty great. So that whole kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That whole kind of, uh, theme in that place with those people just seemed like the right combo. Very cool. Yeaah. It was very cool. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I come from Italians, so there was a lot of cooking in our heritage, and my mother was a great cook, and my grandparents, and food was always the thing that united us. I would hang with my father eating food, like it was a thing, you know? Are both of your parents Italian? Yeaah, uhm, yeaah. One is full Italian, one is Italian and German.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was just, food is a way that we just kind of celebrated and connected and it was another language, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it wasn't, so I would always cook a little bit. And then when I was just in this writer's room with a friend of mine and he started telling me about sourdough bread and how he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bakes it from this live starter that he has in his refrigerator. It's this living organism that you turn into bread. And I came home and just told my family about it at dinner and my daughter got a sourdough starter going for me for Christmas and gave me this goo. You just put flour and water in a bowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And I stirred it together and I hid it from you for a week and now here's your thing. Yeaah. Very female thing. Very girl. Very girl. And uh, and I just started doing it and it was so great. It was very meditative and it was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you talk about having a hobby, I never really had a hobby either. Right. And this is a hobby that you can eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're looking at websites, you're getting books, you're ordering stuff, and you're doing all this. I just, I just got really, really into it. And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started putting up, uh, videos on YouTube called, uh, getting baked with Tom. Uh, just to show other people how to get into this hobby. So if you ever want to look at it, like to see like how to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's not like, I'm not a pro, I'm not gonna tell you, this isn't gonna be like a chef telling you, but it's like a comedian saying, I don't know, I use this wooden spoon and put it in here. And it works for me. And it works. But it's, it is a cool thing to have in your life, for sure. I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see them go like Jesus. That's a, that's a big thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do. They do, yeaah. And when it's missing, like if I'm away for a while, and it's missing, they all feel guilty about buying bread now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and cause it's so much shittier. It's so like, ugh, it's not even real bread. Yeah. You know? And there's something to it, there's like a part of your subconscious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's different. This is like a quiet, small thing that all of a sudden, years into it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just your sense of like, knowing exactly how much flowers in your hand and you put it on the scale and you're right. You know what I mean? Or exactly how long that's gonna be or just feeling it and knowing this is going to actually turn out amazing and you're not even close to the end. All those little things that your subconscious is now educated on and became good at doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something weird that happens to you. You just get a sense of belonging and achievement and peace. Which sounds kind of deep, but those small things do give it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking that machine to its highest level and seeing what it can do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard to have some hobby or some golf or something where you come home off the road and say, now I know I've been away, but now is my golf weekend. It's like, no, that's not happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but the comedians like Seinfeld and Leno who love it, either they're always looking to buy the next one, that becomes part of the hobby, reading about it, researching, finding the great one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't need to. Right? Yeah, I don't do that. No. Yeah. I was thinking about Bert actually on the way over because, uh, he seems like he's getting into wine now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In like a different way, like, like he's, I saw him hold up a couple like nice bottles and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a tricky hobby though, because I did a two where you're like, yeah, this is no, this is 2003 Chateauneuf de Pop from whatever. And you're like, you can jazz it up all you want. You're still hammered at midnight. You know what I mean? It's a, it's a tricky hobby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and it's not even like a, it's not even like dark like getting hammered dark. It's like a money pit too. It's like all of a sudden I found myself in like a wine shop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, oh, the bourbon, that hot, yeah, I know. That's why bread is very...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very good, it's healthy, like there's no negative off of it, because even like, as fattening as carbs can be,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This kind of bread, it's flour, water, salt, and yeast, and it's breaking the sugars down before you even eat it, so it doesn't have the impact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On you on a dietary way that other bread has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is a high impact thing. I do feel like you should get good cooking wise. You know, it's busy. You should get good at making like a handful of things. Yeah. Like there is like maybe four, five, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great pasta dishes I can make, and I'm just, I'm not gonna vary, I'm not gonna pretend I can do everything. I just get really good, like I always thought like piano, it would be cool to know one song really well, be at a party and just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh piano. And then just walk away. The coolest. You don't have to study forever, you don't have to learn everything about piano.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think getting really good at small things is a smart move. Because there's not enough time to get really good at something that has so much depth to it. Not when you're busy, you got your act to do, you got your family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, uh, I was at, uh, Largo last night doing a show and I, and Zach Galifianakis was on and he's been begging me to show him how to make bread. And so I put some sourdough starter, which is just like paste. It's like goo in a mason jar and I gave it to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was almost like he didn't realize what he was asking for. He was like, I just want to bake bread. And he's like holding this goo in his hand like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what I'm going to do with this. I know it's in the garbage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda looks similar. I got it. I got it. She, the lady next to me was more frail, but she did have the same glasses look. Could be her. It could be her. That is how she went down the aisle. Like I said, we were in the front row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something actually came out of my ass. The gas is actually there for a reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About 20, cause they moved it up. They liked it so much that it was going to come out in the spring and they moved it up to February, so I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My plan of how much time I was gonna have to gather up some new bits was shortened. But it's, you know, I don't beat myself up about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's complicated because, so somebody sees your special, and you come to the town, and they're like, why didn't you do that bit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm going into new stuff and they look at you kind of cross-eyed like, yeah, but I really liked that bit. And that worked. And I saw it once and I wanted to see it live and you didn't do it live and why are you doing this stuff? That's kind of funny. Right. Right. I really love that, that bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, and that was, happened to me all the time, like, you know, I'd go to a club and they'd be like, we see you every time you come through the last four years, and, and I always get paranoid. And I'm like, I hope you're seeing some new stuff. And they look at you like, what? That's not even, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's this co- yeaah. Right, we just like you. We just like you. We just wanna be- come to the Tom Show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, I really believe that there is a small minority of snarky...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedy nerds that will go on Twitter and be like, I saw it before. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I saw half of it, whatever. And that plays to our artistic...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, insecurity to such a degree that you feel really bad. And 98% of the audience does not care. And they know you're working through some stuff. And if you were to have some chunk of the stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Short answer is, I'm not gonna go up and bomb when I go to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Minneapolis, just in the honor, in the name of getting new stuff. Right. This is their one time they're going to see me in these two years. I'm going to kill. This is their night out. They want to see me. If they want to, if they're going to come back, this has to be a good experience. So wherever I'm at, I'm at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I've got 20 minutes of new stuff and do a little crowd work, that's more than half the show is new. Right. That's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I still write, I still like to write. I like to rewrite. You know, like, I have a, I have this chunk of stuff that I'm working on now, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, when I first brought it up, it was just a couple lines of an idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a couple ideas and then I went up on stage with it, did it, and then I get to work on, then I'll start to write it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like go back home and be like, okay, so that was, that, there was something there. You get excited. Oh, they, that premise is good. And then I start noodling around with it and see if I can go further with it, then bring it up on stage. And depending what the week is, how motivated, you know, I don't want to pretend that I'm like, you know, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, sometimes you, all of a sudden your life gets away from you and you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your subconscious is going to work a lot when you're not even aware of it. So if you feed it, just by looking at your notes, just looking at a couple lines, listening to it on your way to the set,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is going to work and shows up on stage. I agree. It really does. All of a sudden you're like, well, oh, it's doing the work. I don't have to sit alone at a desk to get the work done all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, it's really in the rewriting when I start going into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you find when you get close to taping, and like say for like the last three months of it, you're like really dialed in, tightening it up, getting it, getting it, getting it, and does this happen to you like when you get close, all of a sudden something new pops up that makes the special? Which is so weird because you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Working so hard for a couple years at this thing and then all of a sudden something walks in and makes the line up. It does. In the last like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smart. That's really smart. That's, that's good that you found it in that time though, because a lot of times, you'll, it'll be filmed, it'll be locked, it'll air, and then you come up with a line that's like, oh, this is so much better now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was fighting a clue, the kind of thing, into the special, so I was really hanging onto my voice, and as 20 minutes after the second show was over,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just, all my adrenaline was hanging onto it. And it just split. And I had to go to Idaho Falls the next morning for this theater show. The next night, no voice. Like really, like pushing it. It's our only instrument. I got like maybe 40% of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, but just knowing the special's over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Small voice, going slow, so they would hear me, just so relaxed. I felt like it was the best show I had all year. For sure. It was just so great. Yeah, it's so great. Freeing. Yeah. Yeah. It's the best feeling, man. Yeah, it really is. But there's nothing better, like, when you talk about the anxiety of like getting new stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you get like one line that you know this is going to be like, in the line up, this is going to be a, this is a great line. You are just sailing for months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I was talking to Allie Wong about it the other night and she was, it was smart, like the, cause she's up against having to get some new stuff out and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said, I'm not coming to the club anymore with like a whole big thing that I want to try and memorize this whole thing. She goes, I'm going to do it one line at a time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get that one line really set and add that that night and add that the next night. That's interesting. Isn't it? Yes. It's smart because it's accurate. You know, it's like a smart way to, rather than paraphrasing all of it, really get that one down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's interesting. I didn't do it, but. Yeaah, but you're like, I'll remember you said that. I'm like, that's good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, just starting up, just starting up, I uh, I go out and start touring now and my second book comes out in May.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called, uh, You're Doing Great and Other Reasons to Stay Alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I wasn't really sure, like, will this hurt or help? But now the special's doing well, so I think it'll help. And it just takes it further. It takes everything further. It's, it's, there's very little of the act in the book. Uhm, but the theme is the same. The theme, the theme is still like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm with you, yeaah, I'm with you. Take a look at the small things in life and realize that things are pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a sense of positivity for sure, that my grandparents, my grandmothers really instilled in all of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and I wasn't, and I was always taught to be grateful. I was always taught that this every day is great, is a blessing kind of a thing, which sounds corny now that Twitter has co-opted any kind of sincerity about that, but I really was taught that. And you know, I had people in my life and deaths in my life and heart things and my grandparents never let us, uh, wallow in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. You know. Okay, that really sucks. Yeaah, I get it. And it's gonna hurt for the rest of your life, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are we going to do with the rest of our life? Let's go. And that was really taught. And I know there's also a part that's just genetically, you get lucky that you don't have to battle with a lot of depression.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely won that lottery where I don't have heavy demons chemically working against me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do believe at every level you can kind of learn to at least just lift yourself up just a little bit more. Just give yourself a little more perspective. Yeah. And at every level. At our worst. And so I just really, really, really carry that. And in the times that we're in where you feel like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if you're doing well, I think social media and the cable news and so much shit is against us. This raging river that no other human brain has had to deal with. This onslaught of negativity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard to wait against that. So I just kept thinking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me just keep articulating at least what I see, like I have a whole chapter just on coffee. I have a whole chapter just on eating with your family. Like all that kind of stuff. And you know, it's funny. It's like, you know, it's subversive and it can, it can lead to different other things. It's not just this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even when Carlin, like I loved George Carlin so much and there was a couple specials towards the end where he didn't let you off the hook. He was like, this sucks, this sucks, this sucks, good night. And I was like, ah, I didn't like that. I liked when he said, this sucks, this sucks, but we can do it.


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[Assistant] But we'll be okay. But this is worth it. That is kinda where I live. So that's where I wrote that book.


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[Assistant] I think a key word that you said was, uh, take a moment. Because I think we, we start to think that you're just supposed to live like some Buddhist monk and just fly through and be grateful 24 hours a day. And if you're not, you're failing. No, no, no. We live in a big hard ass capitalist society. We got to work hard. We got to hustle. We got to do all this stuff.


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[Assistant] So you can't be this like blissful flower that's just, or you're not going to make it, but a moment, like just a moment to sit back and say, all right.


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[Assistant] This is, I got to hang with my friend today. I get to see my kid fart in the kitchen. This was a, this was a good day. Yep. And then go back to the craziness. But a moment of it is good. Yeah.


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[Assistant] What's cool too is like, and the reason I like watching you is that


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[Assistant] You have just a different pacing that I really admire and it's like.


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[Assistant] It's like a, uh, someone who punches just as hard but looks effortless in a different way. Yeah. Right? I mean, that's what's so great about all our friends. Sure. Like you watch Rogan do his thing. His own way. You watch Ali do her thing. Watch Maria Bamford do her thing. Yeah. All so different. All so great. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I, the fan part is like, you,


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[Assistant] I forget about it too. Yeah, you forget. And it's like, but wait, look, all these people are coming to these shows because it is the most fun thing to watch. It's the most fun. It is. To let yourself like enjoy it and have fun with it is, uh, is pretty smart.


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[Assistant] Geez, Tom's got a new hour in two months.


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[Assistant] And, uh, I'm running around on tour. Oh, uh, oh, you're doing great and other reasons to stay alive.


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[Assistant] My favorite I've watched in the last few days is called Spencer Confidential with Mark, uh, Mark Wahlberg.


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[Assistant] Now you're kneeling. Obedience my words.


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[Assistant] On the count of three, even though you're out of hypnosis, you still feel the same intensity of the best orgasm. One. Two.


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[Assistant] Can I please? That's what they're for, you put them on over your regular glasses.


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[Assistant] So cool. Who, I mean you have to be mentally ill to wear these for real, right? Like this is the, this is the glasses of mental illness. What do you mean? Cause the only people that wear those are like the guy in Starbucks that talks to himself. I feel like I have a mask on.


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[Assistant] Let's see if the glare is cut down. Oh, this is heaven on earth.


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[Assistant] Dude, do you know who had one of these? My mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what about those unboxing videos that children do of toys? Isn't that advertising to kids? It's an hour video of unboxing toys? Yeaah, I mean, there's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But why is it never just the parent's responsibility to monitor what their children do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about the children? You know, I remember this was big in the 80s. Remember when, um, like Tipper Gore, uh, was going against the, the heavy metal bands and the rap rappers?


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[Assistant] You can't make a comment, you can't, joking is now off the table, and it's not a children's platform YouTube.


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[Assistant] I mean, but don't you think kids talk about fucking McRibs amongst themselves all the time? It's like when you do military gigs and they're like, don't talk about politics, don't talk about sex. Like, what do you think these soldiers are talking about in the trenches?


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, look, we can't stop doing the show, we- we-


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[Assistant] Okay, VSCO girl, it's V-S-C-O and that's for the VSCO app that can make you look better and it's, the VSCO girls have hydro flasks and they believe in eco-friendly things and they go, I'm talking, do you mind?


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[Assistant] A gender neutral, a person of non-disclosed gender.


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[Assistant] So a VSCO girl, they wear scrunchies in their hair and they have hydro flasks and they, they make those sounds.


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[Assistant] Tom, what do you eat in a healthy diet? What do you, how do you stay healthy?


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[Assistant] You know, maybe we should talk about what we like about each other. Positivity.


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[Assistant] Well, let's, let's back it up a little bit. We had a company party last night, Studio Gene.


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[Assistant] Look how big my left boob is there. I think that boob is eating any alive.


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[Assistant] It was a perfect square. You had this full beard and then just a square taken out. I was like, oh shit.


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[Assistant] You look great. I want to see your face again. When are you going to shave this off? Shave everything? Yea, I want to see your face. It's been years since I've seen your real face.


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[Assistant] Alright. So Anyhoodles, we went to the Magic Castle.


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[Assistant] So early, we started at 5.30 we got there, we didn't leave until


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[Assistant] Magic, so we go, we get into, we get there, and, you know, when I'm around you guys, I feel like this is our safe space. YMH is an opposite safe space, if you will.


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[Assistant] And I say to Nadav, I go, oh, you're gonna like this.


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[Assistant] Somebody in our neighborhood put up a huge Hanukkah display on their front lawn. It's very rare. And what did you say?


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[Assistant] And at which point a woman at the bar turns around to us, and she basically goes, it's okay, it's cool, I'm cool, I hate Jews too.


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[Assistant] I mean, I've got to tell you that I've never seen you light up like this. And it was a deep sense of pride. And I mean, I've told you exciting news. Hey, we're pregnant and you never get this excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was so proud of you. I was so happy for you. Everybody came dressed so nicely. Everybody came in their suits. It was very cute. And, um, and then we played a game about which TikToker we all would be.


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[Assistant] Yeah, your first thought, we were a little tipsy, so everybody just had to say who they felt their alter ego was.


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[Assistant] Cause that, that one to me, when I saw that, it, it struck such a chord inside of me. Like it, it was so pure and so good.


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[Assistant] And I hadn't heard that phrase in so long, it was nice. Okay, so back to our story. So I'm Apesgrace.


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[Assistant] No, cause he doesn't edit this show as often, so he didn't have one. And then Allie, we determined, was drinking the pee lady. Or the woman that knits her menstrual blood. Yarn.


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[Assistant] That's if you've never met a lady in your life and you didn't become successful at stand-up. This would be you, right?


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[Assistant] And hold off on masturbating for two or three hours.


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[Assistant] It really does. One lady I saw, she had a slit so high up her dress, I saw her stinky pussy. And it was full of warts and she was itching it the whole time.


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[Assistant] That was fun to be with you guys. I wanna go out again with you guys. We should do it like, twice a year. Maybe we should do like a summertime dinner?


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[Assistant] Yeah, some people really get stoked when they get to participate. It's funny. It's like their big moment, you know? Yeah. But it was a good show. It was fun.


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[Assistant] I know, I love, I love magic. It's so fun. Uhm, and he ate a lot of cheesy bread.


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[Assistant] He wanted his own basket, and we're like, well no wonder you haven't pooped in a month, cause all you're living off of is cheesy bread.


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[Assistant] How can that be cool? That's fine. You guys must have misunderstood.


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[Assistant] So you, but you telling me that you had the urge to go and then you ignore the urge in an effort to keep it inside for a month. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.


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[Assistant] Do you eat a lot? Are you not eating a lot? Is that why? I eat a ton. How the fuck are you keeping that in?


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[Assistant] I feel like I get, I get wrecked if I don't shit every day. If I skip one day, I feel so bloated and fat and gross.


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[Assistant] And I couldn't, I got it like halfway up, and then I just shit everywhere. Like it works so fast. Yeah. If you ever, hey, why don't you try a suppo- I dunno, those work really quickly, a suppository, if you ever have to make yourself dumb.


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[Assistant] So you get a suppository, it's like a little tampon for your b-hole. And you just like try to push it in your butt. And I swear, just like poking, just poking that thing in your b-hole.


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[Assistant] You know what, I think it's, I think it's psychological, because he's-


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[Assistant] He doesn't want to poop. Yea, see? He can, he's choosing not to. What's the trauma? Did something happen to you as a kid while you were pooping? Someone beat you on the toilet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See? Cause mom was like, hurry up, we gotta go. And then that's when he pinched off the first time and then that's where it comes. You can't hurry kids when you're toilet training. Yeah. Yeah. So somebody startled your toilet training process. I bet you.


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[Assistant] As a young person, no one did that for me, so I didn't know that that's like a self-care thing. You should dry yourself off. And then it became like, yeah, it's a waste of time. Why am I drying myself off? I should just go on with my day.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but that's just cause it was like parental neglect. I think what's happening. I think your mom traumatized the duty inside of you.


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[Assistant] Like your parents telling you that they're divorcing as you're on the toilet taking a dump or something traumatic. I'm serious, like you could have been shitting and someone was like telling you the worst news of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So exciting though, but I hope you shit from now on, please. Once a week, can you commit to once a week?


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[Assistant] Why do we have to accept everybody's everything? I mean, can we just... Oh, sorry. I mean, there's some stuff that you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, do we have to share everything publicly and be proud of every- can't there be shame attached to some stuff? I mean, for the fuck's sake, man.


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[Assistant] That's what I mean. Can't we keep something private? And also, by the way, I'm just jealous and resentful that I don't, there's nothing in my world that I could liken to that. Like how he enjoys this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Regressed and shamed about. Like I wish I was this in touch with myself that I could be like Tom deep down inside.


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[Assistant] I wanna dress like a dog, and I want you to put a tail in my b-hole.


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[Assistant] I kinda wanna try this and see what happens. You'll get arrested. For sure, you would never get that.


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[Assistant] 1000% with actual children in the house. Now I'm changing three dudes' di-dies.


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[Assistant] Mashed in there? How many logs do you produce per movement?


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[Assistant] I bet Annie's monthly dump is your daily. No. Yeah, you cuck a lot.


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[Assistant] And that in a dye dye, mashed against your butt with all the hair and stuff?


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[Assistant] I see it on TikTok, uh, the daddies talking to their babies. So you've been a daddy?


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[Assistant] Okay, so wait, so wait, so, so she's like, okay, so, so you're like, let's go to the movies. And she goes, yeah, let's see Dumbo. Let's see Frozen 2. And then that's the kind of thing you're discussing. So you go see like a children's movie and you buy her a lolly.


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[Assistant] It's Little, smaller than she was. Did she have a pacifier? Cause some Littles on TikTok have pacis.


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[Assistant] Why does anybody have to tell the friends and fam? I still don't understand this need.


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[Assistant] I just don't know how they get into character. I think it's so embarrassing for me, like how he commits so fully to it.


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[Assistant] I'm just repressed. Maybe I'm just repressed. I cannot find my- I can't do anything this involved.


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[Assistant] Like, I've never done, I mean aside from Bobby and Trish, you know, a role play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, now they're judging, dude. From a 30 second news thing. Or, you know, a 5 minute blurb on a TV show. It's not like they did an hour on it and they're really getting into him and what a great person he is and how sweet he is.


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[Assistant] Mhm, and then he wears like a Fonzie shirt under it.


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[Assistant] My friend Shane, my Canadian friend Shane, um, lives in Edmonton and he told me that a lot of people die every year trying to swim across Lake Ontario. That they get hammered and in the winter time they'll swim across Lake Ontario and they'll die. Jesus Christ. I know. That's my trap too.


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[Assistant] Yes, my love, 2020 rolls on. I am finally kind of touring a lot more. So January 9th through 11th, Momston, uh, Cap City Comedy Club.


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[Assistant] Hey, February 14th to 15th, Tampa on Florida at the Tampa Improv.


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[Assistant] January, February 20th or 29th, I just added Manfriend Disco at Cobbs. Come on your comedy club.


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[Assistant] March 7th, Pasadena at the Ice House. That's the October 25th show I had to cancel. Tickets will be honored there. March 13th and 14th, Doral, Florida at the Miami Improv.


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[Assistant] March 26th through 28th, Dallas, Tejas at the Addison Improv.


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[Assistant] April 3rd and 4th, Jew dork titties at Caroline's, April 24th and 25th, Des Moines, Iowa, at the Funny Bowl. I'ma make you cry! Then June 12th through 13th, Fartnicks, Arizona, at Stand Up Live. Take it, Zach. Christina, Christina Payne.


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[Assistant] Listen to where my mom's at, uhm, also Tom's got a new...


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[Assistant] Studio jeans in 2020, lots of good things happening.


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[Assistant] Well as you know, Tom doesn't have a nice personality like I do. Like I would say that I'm a lot more friendly. I like to make people feel comfortable.


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[Assistant] You had that great joke in the trailer for your new special, where you said when you became a late night host, you were afraid that they wouldn't accept you. Americans, because you're watching your weight and you had an accent.


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[Assistant] But especially late night, you're on every night. So if you don't get a good night's rest or you look tired the next day, everybody sees it.


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[Assistant] That is true, because I think he wants to do something, but until I'm like, alright, let's fucking do this. Then he gets excited and we do it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she says, Craig, I don't know blah blah blah. So she's starting to ramp up.


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[Assistant] I can tell when Tommy's happy if we're at dinner. If he's really content, he does this thing where he puts two arms on the table and then this hand grasps the elbow.


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[Assistant] A hundred percent. You're absolute. Let me tell you too, I met him when he was 23. The guy acted like he was 43 already. He was never 23. He was never a dickhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, where are you? So, not specifically in Scotland. Are you in Edinburgh? Are you in a city? Are you out in the...


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[Assistant] Ah, dream crusher. What about jewelry as an investment? My husband's fond of buying very expensive gold chains. Did you do any of that?


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[Assistant] And I'm not sure, I can't put my finger on what is not right, like she's, she's gigging hard, she's doing the show, and she has a lot of surgeries, and she wants to look exactly as she did in her twenties, and I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like am I a misogynist? Cause you know what I mean? Am I like, why are you trying to look young, bitch? When Mick Jagger's out there doing his thing still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, according to Keith Richards, Keith hates the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, let's talk about heroin. When's the first time you did it?


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[Assistant] And stuck with it. It made me an adult. It made me a better person. The discipline of it. Obviously marriage and children, yes, too, but. Sure.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but you know what? You're a very introspective, smart, thoughtful person. You're gonna come back. Once you go to Scotland, you're gonna kick around with these cows and you're gonna get bored and that rebel's gonna come up.


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[Assistant] We have two small children under the age of four.


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[Assistant] Do you like it? Oh that's right! What about the fried Twinkies?


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[Assistant] It's like a boner, isn't it? Is it? Take off hoeser. It's like a... I didn't think Canadians talked about such things. It's like a douche bag, right? Oh, I thought, I thought. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, boner. Yeah, it is, but like a boner, like someone. Yeah, jackass. Yeah, jackass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, yes, my ex-boyfriend and I, we were in England, we were in London.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, okay, so I lived in England for a year, I was familiar with the culture, whatever. We're hanging out in a pub with some Londoners. And uhm, we're explaining to my boyfriend then that the word cunt is used like that, like kind of, this fucking cunt, this cunt, this cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you really can't call a woman a cunt, even in Scotland, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about the movie Trainspotting? Do you understand when Francis Begbie talks?


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[Assistant] It is, and the royals, right? Don't those families, they all in-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about, you said Slapper is out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that what happens to older gentlemen? Is that they get, they get hornier, like a sign of dementia. Is that like, wasn't Bushy saying all kinds of wacky stuff towards the end of his life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny though. At least he has a nice joke to go into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about, you're a right cunt, right? They say you're a right cunt.


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[Assistant] Like they do mostly ASMRs on people chewing or people wrestling textures and people really respond to that.


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[Assistant] I like everything. I like the whole package. I like that his body is incorporated in the ASMR, the Santa vibes. I actually really enjoy it.


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[Assistant] No, but he can find child molesters, he calls out people that are doing bad stuff.


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[Assistant] You're in America. Let's have some fun before you go back to very cold Scotland.


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[Assistant] Everyone, I just gave y'all an unknown brush in my teeth.


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[Assistant] I can't get married. Nor can I have a job.


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[Assistant] Or comment on it. It's that simple. Just keep scrolling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to. Cause I, I know that I, like my aunt loves bad news. Yeah. She just loves it. Like with something, you know, like we just grew, like she would have a story at Christmas always about a kid who went to rock at a playground and died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something beautiful about the idea of making a connection with someone and then having them taken from you. Yeah. By a force that's not, you know, you can't control. It's poetic. It is poetic. It's truly beautiful. Yeah. Truly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't it make you feel alive? I'm sure it makes you feel alive. I bet they feel so alive to tell you because they're holding your death warrant in their hands as they're, you know, with, you know, sipping a smoothie. Yeah. And then they get to sit down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's also like they, you know, they don't have that personal attachment to it cause it's their career, it's their job. They have to be detached. So they're just like, hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came from a mother who would just start with no. Like, she would start negatively and be like, here's what I won't do. Like, I swear to God, she'd go to a restaurant and go, I'll tell you what I won't have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she, I, I grew up under her, so like, I'm like, oh, you just say no. You just complain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I mean, yeah, I will do, I will let a, I will do a fall, to be honest, like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To a fall. Yeah, well, no, see, like sometimes, like Dr. Drew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had no social media, so I, I sent it to him, and then I realized, I, like five minutes earlier, and then I sent it, and I'm like, I'm gonna be okay. And then I realized five minutes earlier, there's a photo of me on the beach. Oh, shit. In, in like, uh, uh, Redondo Beach or wherever. Oh.


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[Assistant] You gotta go deep in the lie, you gotta try. And I lie because I care. This is what people don't realize. If I didn't care, I would say, hey dude, I forgot. Who cares?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the gross people in LA find me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. Yeah, because New York dudes are finance guys, they're in suits, they're more attractive. LA men are dirtbags, they sell CBD, they're disgusting. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gay, I was insane gay. Like, it's like a level. Well, it's just, there's people riding like horses. It's like that scene in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Wizard of Oz where they're riding like the multicolored, like that's a horse of a different color. It's like there's Jews riding purple horses down the street. It's like, I don't know what these, LA gay is like trans. They're like the next level. And LA trans is like the next, whatever that is. Like they're disabled. They're like kneecapping themselves. It's always the next thing here. Like it's just, it really is. It's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that's my, no, I mean, I just, I, I think it's hard to make stuff up now because people cut, you know, I'm somewhat public, people can kind of look me up. But you know, these people don't know, you know, they think I'm doing great, I'm doing really good, but like they don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm always just like would I just to meet somebody maybe hang out with it's cool. Yeah, okay, but you know sometimes if you meet somebody to date That's cool, too, but I'm not looking at look


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Like, like what? Well, just the idea of like, you know, I'll tell people I've been to countries I haven't been to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy's like, what do you mean? I'm like, no offense, but I date like younger guys in their twenties or whatever and they're like, they don't know anything. And so I'm like, oh yeah. Oh, that sushi is good, but it's probably better in Osaka. I don't know. When I was in Osaka, I had this. But he's like, no offense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I make up geography. Like I just make up things that I, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit. Yea, for sure. You do, I mean, the country is run by liars. The most successful people in America are liars. Yea. Uhm, everyone you see on a billboard is probably a liar. I mean, I don't know what to tell ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so there's two things that can happen. Number one, I think Trump...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right up until this virus, I'm like, Trump wins handling. He's just gonna win, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, impeachment didn't work, nothing worked, right? These guys are throwing stuff at him, nothing works. Uhm, had they not done all of this and just kinda let him...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like nothing, like, nothing he said was gonna happen to happen. And you know, Wall Street's not really reigned it, like, you know, so, so that was, but now that you see you have this crisis, this pandemic, if this is brutal and traumatic,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but I do think if this thing is really traumatic, I think people are gonna look at Trump and it's like, yeah dude, it's not as funny anymore because you know what, you start seeing people you know die, it doesn't really matter that Hillary's a crook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't care anymore. You're like, we just need an adult to get us out of this. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just seeing that has really just shaped the way that I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do you go? University of Kansas? That sounds fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How are those college guys? Well, you know, they need to be lied to. Yeah, for sure. No, I mean, it's just, oh my god, if I was, if I was, there's a lot of gay dudes that don't want to come out now because the gay, the gay thing's gotten too crazy.


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[Assistant] So like, there's people that I talk to that are like, I don't want to be a politi- like, I don't want to just, my whole life to be politics and craziness.


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[Assistant] There's a lot of guys that want to come out of the closet and like, still be a racist. You know? Like, and still...


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[Assistant] You know, and I, I, I get it. You know, they're like, I don't want to be intersectional. You know what I mean? They're like, I hate Koreans. And I just want to be openly gay and hate Koreans. So it's like...


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[Assistant] And the guy who raised me is not my father. And she would say this like in front of her actual dad.


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[Assistant] The life of the party. The life of the party. I think she told some big story once about how Elvis might have been her father and everyone was like, she's the life of the party. I'm like, no, her brain stem is like not working. But you knew that though. I knew it, yea I knew it because I was like just perceptive.


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[Assistant] Uh, no, my father is with his new wife, uh, in Long Island. They don't leave. They don't leave. They love, my dad loves a golf course. He loves a glass of wine. Yeaah, there's no reason to leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was there. He was there in the way that a lot of boomers were there, which was not really, you know, you know, it was not the most committed group of people to raising their kids. I mean, they just fed us, you know, poison. Here's some Wendy's.


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[Assistant] Why do you think that it was collectively


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a deeply selfish group of people that came off


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[Assistant] Uh, this tr- very traumatic event, like the Vietnam War, things like that, a lot of craziness. And then the people that were- and it was a lot of people that were hippie- my parents were hippies. And then kind of went 100% the other way. So there was that hippie aesthetic of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now it was just about like, you know, materialism.


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[Assistant] And there were economic realities of course that coincided with this too, but it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a generation of people that was all about comfort and convenience.


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[Assistant] Yeah, a lot, but we're like, no, but you've got something important to say inside of you. The guys like Gary Vaynerchuk, all these like motivational guys are like, no, there's a business inside of you. And it's like, no, there's not. Not everyone. There is not a business inside of my friend Ryan. Right, right, right. There is not, you know. That's true. It's just hyper individualism. I think that there's this thing too.


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[Assistant] Great question. Uhm, here's why I would say no, not morally.


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[Assistant] But because I would be afraid that it would catch up with me when I wanted to do something else. If I was a dude that never wanted to be a public person or never wanted to, you know, put out stuff, like then I don't think I would care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't, I wouldn't say an interracial gang bag with a basketball team. Uhm, but that's a lot, well that's a lot of people.


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[Assistant] I was just, I went to get a taco with two people the other night, it was Saturday, it was Hollywood, and I forgot that it was Saturday, it was Hollywood, and it was just so intense, and there was just people beating the shit out of each other, like, yeaah, oh yeaah. Gay dude fights, there's like, oh yeaah, there's nothing but testosterone, there's like ten a night. Yeaah. Oh, that makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's vicious. It's vicious, but it's also like you look women over a certain age in Hollywood, it's nasty. That's true too. It's nasty.


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[Assistant] Old wrinkled mass walking around, you know, just get out, get your old pussy out of town. I mean, that's all. This is not a real place. It's on fire half the time. It's like we're all buying into an idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the idea is not your old snatch, you know, and your sad stories.


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[Assistant] I live on a block with three TikTok kids that could buy and sell me. Okay? I don't even look at them directly in the eyes. I know my place. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her face. Yeaah. I think she's lost probably some of her natural teeth. Right. Just living, living wrong.


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[Assistant] I hooked up with a drummer once and then they sent me, this guy sent me a video of him drumming and it's the worst. It's like, it sounds like a, like a kid playing with pots and pans. So it's like, a lot of times you have to just tell people like, yeah, that great man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like that Mark Norman joke. He goes, if a, if a, if a woman goes home with a man and he's got a Nazi flag, he's like, I gotta get, the woman goes, I gotta get out of there. If a man goes home with a woman with a Nazi flag, he goes, I gotta fuck her and get out of here. So it's like one of those things.


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[Assistant] Well, anytime I see somebody trying to make a legit point on Facebook, I'm like, oh, you're insane. Like, there's nothing to be said. My favorite thing on Facebook is it'll be like a 300 comment thread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's totally degenerated, right? It's no longer about politics. It's people threatening to fight each other. It's like, why don't you say that to my face? It's like, I'll smack the shit out of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then my favorite is the one guy that hasn't accepted where the fight is and goes back to statistics. One guy's like, why don't you say it to my face? You're all tough cause you're on a computer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is real. I just do like, I have mental problems. I try to put out, like, I put out these little dumb videos we make that are funny and I put them out on social media and they're like, ridiculous. You do hilarious stuff. Well I appreciate it, it's just stupid stuff. I'll be like, I dress up like, and I canvass for Bernie Sanders at Beverly Hills, like, I'm trying to climb over fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's just fun, like dumb stuff like that. So when I use these things, I'm always using them to be like, here's a video, it's funny, it's whatever. And then you look at like other people, the way other people are using it, and you're like, oh we're totally in a different. Totally different, yea. Totally different world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a, there was a guy on Facebook last night, a guy that used to do comedy with who's going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if anyone has seen my son, please let me know. The son is like a toddler. His mother took him. I have full custody of him. I know where she is. Uh, the, the Department of Children and Family Services, uh, is coming with me. I still can't take him. And it's like, it's just a Facebook thread about like, this crazy kidnapping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he just gave them all the information to kidnap them, but a bunch of kidnappers just looked at each other and were like, yea, you can take that one. I'm good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I saw him do? I read for a dumb thing on that network. I watched him walk in his office in New York City and he like checked himself out in a picture of himself. There's a photo of himself in the lobby of his office. He checked himself out in the picture of himself. He was like, that is something Satan would do. That's something the devil would do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By being brained, and it's like, it's the funniest, because none of the interactions are real, like none of the, like they're all like, it's like, you want it for eight, but it's gonna be for, you know, we're too far apart, it's really like nine, but like, you know a lot of those real conversations are like a realtor turning around and going, listen, be like, my client's trying to get out of China with his life right now, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one said I don't think I can afford, I love, by the way, I love that that's such an innocent, great way to think about it. Like there's someone on the phone where I'm like, hey, we can get you 300 grand Thursday, and they go like this, I don't know if I can afford it.


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[Assistant] No, it's America. Everyone's a derp bag. They're like, I can't. They're like, can we get it Tuesday? Can we get it Wednesday morning? Can I make it 500? Yeah. So it's actually not, I mean, I'm sure the predatory lending went on, things like that went on, but the majority of people that I worked with were, uh, selfish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or didn't know where he was, and his son wanted to open up a strip club in Miami, and his son just took all the money out of his house, and we were sitting at the closing, and we're signing papers, and this old guy's like struggling to sign papers, and his son is like, keep signing daddy, it's almost over! And the closing attorney said, I'm not really comfortable with this, and I'm like, yeah, it ain't great. But, you know, I mean at that point, you know, what are you gonna do? You know? Shout out to the Vasquez's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what my boss would say to all of us. Some of us would take the bus to get there because they had like dewees and stuff. My boss would be like, you're building an empire. You understand that? That's what you're doing. And we'd be like, wow, you're right. You know? You're right. Did you like the boss? He was a good dude. He had a, uh, uh, a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a scar from his ear to his mouth. And he goes, he goes, you know why I have this scar? We're like, no. And he told us one day, he goes, because I was thrown out of a car, the winch, I was thrown through the windshield of a car at four years old. He goes, you know what that taught me about? And we said what? He goes, responsibility.


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[Assistant] I had it from like 2006 right to 2009, like 2010. So like the end, so like right at the height of it and then the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I went into when they, I went in and we got a quote of the day every day and then the quote of the day that day was good luck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was pretty wild, so then we went to, we went to Hula Hands, we're at the bar at Hula Hands, we're getting hammered. I was drinking back then. And then, uh, we were just kinda like, we're all looking at each other, and my boss, Scar, was like, uh, we'll figure it out. And we're like, okay. And he's like, we're gonna get another shop. He called them shops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, we're gonna get another shot, don't you boys worry. And we're like, oh, okay. And then we did. I mean, he got another thing, but it just, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was foreclosed on. I mean, I guess I've never went back to it. You never went back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was there two years, two and a half years. And then in like 2009-10 it had lost so much equity that it was kind of like, what are we doing? You know? I tried to do everything I can. I moved in a family upstairs, I rented it out. I moved in a guy downstairs, a guy that my mother knew from the mental institution. He was a lounge singer named Phil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was wild. So that was it, you know, but it was crazy and I was drinking every night, you know, hanging out at a bar up the block from my house called Lisa's Lounge, you know, productive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and I was boozing it up and then I was like, alright. So that was like 2010 that all ended. I got into comedy, I quit drinking. You know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10 years in, yea. Wow. Started, it was like a big, uh, that was like the end of 2010 I started. Started like September 2010 I did my first open mic. Yea. You had the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's ELO's, Mr. Brightside. So maybe- So we can't play that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because that's what I'm urging people to do is cancel their family and friends and not celebrities that, you know, did something offensive. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cancel the people closest to you. It's a great message. It's my message. That's a message I can get behind. I think it's just necessary.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I just love that documentary. Everybody was like, wait a minute. They were all so shocked. Like what's shocking about it? It's like, they're like, wait a minute. So we murdered someone and then he played football again. Like we know athletes kill people. We know rich people kill people. Why is this a thing? Uh, I don't know. Perhaps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so it's still, it's kinda weird that it's 2020, and there's still closeted people. Right, and the only... You mean like, high profile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not even about sexuality anymore. This has gone down another rabbit hole. And I don't know what it is, but it's, something's off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's 2000 gender, I mean, I love your, dude, that Ashville gender thing. Oh yeaah. It's made me cry. Thank you. We watch it, I watch it over and over. Which one?


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[Assistant] I'll come to the thing more, I don't know. That's true. Why does everybody who's experiencing a lot of these gender issues is also like a real nerd?


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[Assistant] Real transgender is people that are like, I'm a dude or I'm a chick, and then they go do something to make it so. Right. That's real.


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[Assistant] I like that he's an example for the younger generation. I like that he's anointed himself an example.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Presley. They're all drinking bleach. I mean they're all drinking like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Wuhan. You can't call it Wuhan because it's racist. No. We gotta call it something else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're, if you're waiting for your 80s to pop off, it's been, it's a problem.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he just wants you to jump in the tub with all them bubbles, right?


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[Assistant] I don't know if he can have full intercourse, I think that's why he's making the eating, that's why he's making that paramount.


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[Assistant] I think maybe he doesn't, I don't know, maybe his penis got lost in a tractor accident or something. That's why he's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know what he thinks about like, tax policy. No you don't. I wanna ask him like, what do you think about trade?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-L-O-N on social media, so that's Instagram and Twitter, Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-L-O-N, Tim Dillon Show on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is our podcast, which is really fun, and we have it's on Apple Podcasts, and we're, you know, all the BS, we're at Spotify, whatever, uh, Tim Dillon Show on YouTube, and, uh, social media, and, uh, You're a hilarious follow. Thank you, dude. A great comedian. I appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, TimJDillon.com or? TimDillonComedy.com. TimDillonComedy.com. We're about to go on a 35 week tour. Cancel your family tour. Cancel your family tour. Word up. We appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope you're gonna be at the meet in Greece and in West Palm Beach on the 13th and Tampa on the 14th and Jacksonville on the 15th. I can't keep doing this, Andy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a lot of scratch bro. How are you affording?


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[Assistant] This fucking Wook has a stash spot in his fucking dread. I can't with you right now. I can't with you right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, well, I think this virus, uh, was the best thing that ever happened to him, you know? Because this story was a, it's been a real investigation. A couple of ladies, like, really went to town on it. They should make a podcast about this investigation, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's very layered. And all these women, you're not one of these women that like flicks their beans to like, crime stuff, are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, uh, you're, uh, not a teenager, first of all. Second of all, you aren't poor. And, uh, you don't live on a Bahamian island. And, uh, so there's a couple of things, but this guy, to get into it... What's his name? His name is Peter Nygaard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, we've got a picture of him there if you want to pull it up. He is the, uh, no, you don't want to look at that one first. Uh, you want, there you go. Oh boy. There is, that's the one, that's the image you should first take in. That's the, the, the Hugh Hefner of Winnipeg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, interesting that you ask, he is a fashion designer. And, uh, he's designed some things you might have seen out in the world, as a matter of fact. Uh, have you seen them at the Met Gala? Probably not. Uh, you don't really see these at the SoHo house either. Uh, it's not a place you're gonna see his line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's stuff sold at like Walmart, Dillards, Belks. Should I pull up some of his stuff? Uh, yeaah, let's see, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Target wouldn't fuck with that. What's the other, don't we have another fashion piece? Oh. Available? Oh boy. Ooh la la. Can't you just picture the woman who works in the resource center of a high school wearing that shit? And you're right. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think that is the crux behind Peter Nygaard's villainy, is that he is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Made so much money, billions of dollars or some crazy amount of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well aside from that, could you imagine if he designed like, Gucci shit or something? It would be a little easier is all I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so this guy, uh, he, uh, I mean, so you're saying you wouldn't, even though he was super rich, you wouldn't want to party with this guy on his behemian island?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy is just some hedge fund guy. He's like a normal, super rich guy. If you could fathom that. And he lives next door to this fucking idiot. And so, it's just amazing to me that no matter, you think, if you have neighbor problems, you think, I'm just gonna


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was like no permits in place or anything, so Lewis Bacon was like, you can't be building all this shit, you can't be changing the shape of the island. You know, that's fucked up. And he goes, well you're a fucking murderer, you were in the Klu Kux clan. He started accusing him all this shit, so then that guy hired a lawyer and started digging into him and found out,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Young girls getting, uh, brought into his estate, uh, who are poor and who, you know, need money. So they end up doing things for money. Like what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, oh yeaah, if you wanna see the island, like, yeaah, we were just discussing how they were neighbors. Well, he has, so, uh, if you look on the right,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, uh, Louis Bacon's portion of the property. And then on the left is, uh, Peter Nygaard's. He calls it Nygaard K. And that's where he comes and brings his ladies. He has extravagant parties and then he has people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause it's all going on right now, and so like, there is, there's like, the case of 11 women is basically what they've trudged up, because so many women don't want to talk, first of all, and there is probably so many more, dozens more, and then he does things to manipulate


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's just wild, like the accusations that he got thrown against him all came because he was fucking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, next door in his neighbor was pissed at him. But uh, so it's a five acre private luxury resort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it was built in 1987, it has over 20 themed cabanas on it, a helipad, replicas of Mayan temples that spew volcanic smoke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a human aquarium featuring topless women dressed as mermaids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's a great addition. I mean, you guys ever think about throwing one of those in the old, uh, sagura estate? A human aquarium? Instead of topless women, you should have bottomless men. That's a great idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the difference. You can't do this in Miami. This reminds me of McAfee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's sampling the goods right there. He's like, do you want to get a good look? Do I want to take her to the Bahamas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is really interesting. That's what my hair's gonna look like at the end of this quarantine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he, uh, I don't know, that's what I've been trying to like figure out, because this is such a weird like under the radar thing, other than the actual case, like him, the more you look things up, it's like he designed his life to be this way. They called him the Canadian Hugh Hefner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He tried, yeaah, very hard, but he, but where Hep was peddling a sexy product that people wanted to be a part of, this guy is fucking peddling nonsense at Dillard's. So that's where the disconnect happens. And I think it just made him angry like, fuck, you know, I have the money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did have a, I did have a list of celebrities, uh, and, uh, Prince Andrew, former U.S. President, H.W. Bush, Jessica Alba and Oprah Winfrey, Michael Jack, Michael Jackson, no, go figure. That's the least everyone probably just glosses past that guy on the list. Of course he was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I, I, I mean like, this guy, how much fucking young pussy is enough? You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, middle Americans go out and stock up on toilet paper and buy ridiculous amounts. I think it's the same theory. They're like, we just need so many young boys, like just get a pallet of them in here. I mean, we can't, you know, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can't just have not enough, I mean, so we might as well get an abundance. More is always better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I thought about that. You know, that's always the thing they ask in school, like on the school bus or whatever. It's like, how much money to suck a dick? And I was like, I don't think I'd be really that great at it. That was always my feeling. But now think about it. Yeaah. That's what I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'd have to get a, it's like, also it depends on the dick because it's like, think about it, if it's a big one, I'd have to look at that and I'd have to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what I can handle, do you know what I mean? Right, right. So I'd have to really like, get... Well you figure it out quick. You'd have to get the groundwork though, you know, you go in there, you get the schematics, figure out all the dimensions, and then you can go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's the nipple? And they'd be like, it's, the whole thing's a nipple. And then he'd be like, that's an eight inch nipple. That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't care, but if I had to care the world, they'd be like, sure, bring it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is such a beautiful size. And I got mine as a beautiful pink color. They look so elegant. They go casual, they go upscale for your look. It's fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. We'll get into it. But I want to know what's going on with this gent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were in Fartita this last week and we were talking about who is Randy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you and Ryan Sickler say it when the two of you get together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the truth of it is, it's just a sad guy and he can't remember stuff, but all he remembers is that the wife jogs his memory by telling him, is Randy gonna pull the car around?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny isn't it now that we're an older married couple? I imagine me doing that with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what you realize is like, we're, we're halfway dead. You're, we're middle-aged. Right. And like, you realize how tragic and horrible life is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do they do that? How do they get- I'd always amaze me, especially after watching TikToks as much as I do. This dude is posting. There are people posting TikToks from Afghanistan that I've reposted on my Instagram. How are these fools getting phones and downloading apps and shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A number one thought, like I understand sex is a priority.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always remember when he told us that he bought a really expensive cape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because that's a big, big difference, you know what I mean? Well, I loved his recipes. It always starts with crunching up Doritos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It absolutely has the most-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever seen those documentaries on like Norway? Where there's just an island where they send people to and they don't have locks and they just kinda walk around the island and men and women are together and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where- what's your out of prison meal? Restaurant, you have to- it's a restaurant. Like he says, you can't go-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think, I would probably miss Italian food the most. For sure. Yeah, maybe a pizza, like first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a hot chocolate croissant. Absolutely. Yeah, I hear ya. Shit man, I might, I might want like McDonald's when I get out. Before I forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those people are taking baby girls to Tokyo. Boys and girls, listen, listen. Our boys are animals. They wake up early, they start running and throwing shit and drop kicking and pissing all over the place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't pull your hair and scratch your eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I growled back. Alright. I growled back. I was like, ah, I don't want you growling at my fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But let me tell you, so when I go to the spa, I eavesdrop on other moms. Yea. And these, one woman said to the other, she goes, would you rather go to Bali?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bally. Bally, okay. Would you rather go, uhm, like second trimester pregnant or with a newborn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the other women go, oh, with a newborn. I was like, are you out of your fucking mind?


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[Assistant] Well, because you're, you're taking, you're still taking care of an infant. It's constant care. And now you're trying to do it when it's 110 outside in the humidity and you're trying to have a good time. I guess there are people that can still have a good time and have their infants. I see them drinking and like enjoying, I'm like, how the hell are you enjoying yourself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they could not sleep all night. Cause what happens on a time change is that your kids get all fucked up, right? Ellis is up at five in the morning, Julian's up at one in the mor- nobody's sleeping, nobody's eating normally. It wrecks- it just wreaks havoc on everybody's life. It's the worst. It is. It's the fucking worst. And you can't relax. When are you relaxing, man? No. That's the thing.


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[Assistant] I agree. I had so much anxiety on that trip just taking care of the kiddos and then your, you know, you see the in-laws, it's a stressful


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[Assistant] Can I try it on too? Yeah, sure. I would like a perfect smile. Hold on.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. Would you hire me to work here?


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[Assistant] You know what's weird though, is that the perfect smile actually fits the shape of your face and teeth better.


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[Assistant] Do yourself a favor, buy a friend the perfect smile for this Christmas.


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[Assistant] No, I put my, this woman reminds me of my mom. My mom would do stuff like this. People like her get hyped when they know there's an audience. She likes the audience. She wants to be famous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my mom used to really believe in her racism, like, they don't see themselves as racist, they see themselves as right. Right.


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[Assistant] You know, so in her mind, she's like, yeah, that's what they are, they're ching chong, whatever. And you're like, alright. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I, uh, I learned something on this vacation too, which I've never done before. Which? Cause, uh, Ellis and I were on the shore, and he likes to sit down where, you know, the water comes up and back and down, whatever. Yep. Can't talk today. And, uhm, I learned, cause I couldn't move, cause you weren't there, it was just he and I, I learned that I could pee in the sand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was, um, at a, at a Puel with, uh, Ila, Ila and Ethan Klein, my, our two favorites. Yeah. And, uh, we were talking and then Ila was like, I have to go pee. And I go, me too. Do you want to go in the pool? And she goes, I was just making sure we're on the same page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, you're my fucking homegirl, dude. And we both pee in the pool. And I feel like that's what most people do, but Nadav says no.


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[Assistant] Are you generally not into body stuff, like are you weird about poop? I mean, you don't poop, you poop once every five days, but are you into farting in front of other people and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're not weird about your body fluids and stuff? No. But you don't like it when other people pee on you? Yea, no. What about lady fluids? Like, I'll pee on someone. Oh, that's what I was gonna ask you. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the only way to go. Well because when I get in the pool or the ocean I feel like I have to pee more for some reason. It's like you make more pee when you're in the water.


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[Assistant] But I don't brown, obviously, in the ocean. Oh no, I shit in the ocean, yea.


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[Assistant] Oh, I love these videos now. This is a whole new lane. Just guys offering, offering oral sex to women. That's kinda cool. Any women who want to take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what's neat is that true to form to a good YMH video, uh, the shot is bad. He's got stupid posters. It's not good.


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[Assistant] No, he's looking to give, isn't he? I thought he wanted to give women orals. That's why I understood.


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[Assistant] You know, I see what you're saying. Listen, I think it's a valiant effort, it's very entertaining, it's very...


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[Assistant] Amusing. I see what- he does a little Steven Seagal.


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[Assistant] That's what you're upset about. I feel like you're saying that you're a better dancer and is that what you're saying?


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[Assistant] I think you're definitely, you're definitely hating and I feel like you're a little triggered by this cause you've been fired up now for two days. I've been watching you get fired up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so you're hating his dancing. Specifically,


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[Assistant] It's not good. So you're saying that not only is Burt fat, but he can't dance. Burt is fat and can't dance. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. So we gotta make a new t-shirt is what you're saying. An addendum to the original shirt.


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[Assistant] I think we should, I think it's now Bird is Fat and Can't Dance, the shirt, part two. And we need to get everybody on board.


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[Assistant] Right. I guess I don't know enough about dancing.


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[Assistant] I don't know enough about the art of dancing to comment because I'm very uncoordinated. All I see is a great effort. I think he put a lot of work into it. It's obvious he rehearsed and, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I, can I see it without the music, without Josh? I just wanna watch the moves. Let's just watch the moves without the music, cause I think the music definitely adds or takes away from the video. See, like the opening's good. That's great! I think that's a good move. That's not bad. That's cool.


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[Assistant] That's good. That's okay. Right? That's good. Kay, now that's kinda weak, like just shoulder dancing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you're right. That's just, that's easy. He just made that up on the spot. That's the payoff, that's the punchline.


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[Assistant] But you're more upset that people are praising the dancing. It sounds like you're more mad that he's getting a lot of adulation over it being a good job. And that bothers you.


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[Assistant] I can't wait to get with Leanne on this. When you guys are doing your Sober October, we're gonna be doing a podcast together, she and I, about how this makes our lives miserable. What are we calling it, Nadav?


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[Assistant] I'm gonna put it in terms- I cannot believe he's throwing his hate juice my way.


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[Assistant] I, I, I hear you. I hear you. I validate you. I'm not disputing your point. I'm just saying it makes my life.


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[Assistant] Miserable now, cause for the last two days I've been hearing about the bird video, his dancing sucks, his dancing sucks, so what are you gonna, are you gonna do something about it, you're gonna confront him, you guys are gonna, I just said we're gonna talk about it. Okay, well then, okay.


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[Assistant] When you're, don't you understand, I love you, and when you're upset, I get upset. It trickles into my life.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you what I get? I told your mom we were with your parents who are lovely and your sisters who are lovely. I convinced Tom's mom on this trip because I used Instacart when I was on this vacation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, Instacart? Where's Insta? And I go, it's not Instacart, it's Insta-tard. And what it does is it lets...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Retarded people be a part of the community and they, they deliver groceries. And it's called InstaTart. And she believes me. She now thinks there's an app called InstaTart.


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[Assistant] But they always get the orders wrong and you have to be like, ah, well, it's just the price of doing business with Instatart.


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[Assistant] What? Okay. I like it. I think it brings them back into the community, makes them visible. Well, it's not real. So. I propose we start Instatart. I'm gonna start it. Your mom thinks it's real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So also, can I play some of my TikToks, please? We've got-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, if you would like to see my daily curations, I am at The Waterchamp on TikTok and I am also on Instagram at the Christina P and where I put them up on my stories. Um, and I, I do this daily. I'm a huge fan of the talk. I love it.


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[Assistant] There's a whole new lane I found right now. It's old people on TikTok and they're making it. They're killing it right now. The old people on TikTok.


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[Assistant] She also gave us an update yesterday that she was eating her dinner with her family. And it was warm outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she does, though she gives you updates throughout the day about her hydration levels, what she's doing with her family, she goes to barbecues and stuff, she shows you what she's eating. I like it, I keep up to date on her. Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of that on TikTok where, um, it's very unattractive people and they're like, don't you talk about my husband. He's all mine. And you're like, no one's fighting for him, sweetie. Don't worry about it. There's a lot of that.