[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a global network, but you have to be global and you have to be online nowadays because if you're a normal dude living a normal life, you're never going to meet winners in day to day life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have to find that guy in Singapore who's a winner, those two guys in Dubai who's a winner, one in London, like it's hard now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's getting harder and harder. But yea, I don't tolerate negativity around me. I refuse to tolerate. It kinda reminds me, I knocked my own friend out once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knocked my friend out, so uh. Sparring or? No, no, for real. For real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, her ex comes over with five of his friends and they had hammers. Cause he was mad, I'm with this chick. I'm with my boy and I'm like, what should we do? My friend's like, what should we do? What should we do? It's like, listen, this has been going on a while. He's been texting me that there's been a problem. Let's go out. Let's just deal with it. So I go out with my friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the, the ex goes to me, uh, listen, uh, start threatening me with the hammer. You just have to apologize. You want me to say sorry for taking this big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now you say sorry to me. Cause if you say, cause you capitulate, it gets worse, right? So I was refused to say sorry to you. And my friend next to me goes, well, why don't we just say sorry?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're on, it's five against two and now the guy on my team is acting like a coward and inspiring the enemy? I turned around and punched him so hard in his fucking face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knocked my own friend out cold. And you know what those five dudes did after that? Shit them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would just fucking run away anyway. So what do I need him for? He's just a, he's just a mascot for my enemies. Now he's just, he's just helping the enemies out. So you have to create your reality. I'm not saying you have to run around punching your friends, but the point I'm making is you have to create your reality that everyone's on your team is at least


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aiding you and benefiting you. If you have any cowardice or negativity around you, it's gonna drag you back. Those five dudes were scared of me until that fucker started saying we should say sorry. Then they all got really brave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He made them brave, so I had to teach them and him a lesson. I obviously never spoke to his stupid ass again. He called the police and everything like a pussy. So, shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can see through the glass. The people watching just can't see, but I can see. I know. I know which one I can see on the space. Yeah. I get it. Yeah, I get it. You can see. I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what, Romania actually has the most bears in Europe. And when you drive in the mountains, when you drive the trans, there's a really famous road, if you Google it, if you can spell this, it's called the Transfiguration. T-R-A-N-S-F-A-G-A-R, it'll come up, Transfiguration Highway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's incredible. So there, there's my new purple one that's spec'd. You can see that's my 765 convertible spider. That's beautiful. Yeah, that, that comes in February. I just bought that one. And then, uhm, if you scroll down a bit, I've got a DBS there. There's the, there's the, this is how we drive in Romania. Click on that Lamborghini video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is kinda up in the mountains a bit. You see, there's all like the little church things and stuff. So I'll show you quickly. This is how we're driving out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll warn your corpse. So next. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, it's scary. The 765 is an incredible car. It's too fast. I had one for a few days and I was like, that's the one? That's the one where I was like, this is too responsive. It's too quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree. It's, it's incredible. So I've, I can't even remember all 23 cars I have. That's a good problem to have. It's hard. But my, my Chiron is in its final stage of completion. So my Chiron is delivered in February. So. Congratulations. Exciting. Thank you. But I, I actually bought that car for the network, not for the car. Cause I don't think, I've driven it and the 765 is more fun to drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure is not fun to drive. Really? Nah, four wheel drive, heavy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women always confuse this because they think I'm saying find any man and be submissive. No, I'm saying find a man worthy of respect, worthy of submitting to. Don't submit to a fucking bum. Don't be an idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you find the right dude and he's taking care of you and you get to stay at home and raise the kids. It's a great life. Yeaah, it's a great life. Like what's the problem with it? I don't, I don't, that blows so many minds and people are like, you can't say that. Why can't I say that I'll pay for a woman to live and take care of her in every possible way? What's nega- how am I a horrible misogynist for saying that my woman doesn't have to slave? Well I think it was other stuff. But how am I bad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She does, but sometimes I have to remake Mass. Listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My woman is begging for the chance to prove her loyalty. She wants me to give her the opportunity to show me that she's such a fantastic female. And I give her that opportunity by making a bunch of mess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Clean that up. Two coffees. Yeah. Ignore that bitch. Don't worry. Your tits are better. No big deal. Boom. And that gives her the chances to show me that she's truly ride or die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, that's what she wants. She's like, Andrew, thank you for fucking all them women and still coming home to me. I really appreciate that. That shows me that we're so strong, we're never gonna break up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so I am, uh, on Instagram at Cobra Tate. That's where I'm most active. Uh, you can find me on there. And then on CobraTate.com, I have a newsletter I'd recommend you sign up. And then if you're serious about changing your life or making any kind of money,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's amazing. I have Hustlers University. It's $49 a month. There's me and 17 other multimillionaires from my private network teaching people how to make money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You will go to school and spend $150,000 on a degree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get to see my daily life, like what I'm doing and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uploaded an episode today where I invited all nine of my girlfriends over the house at the same time. What? Well let's see it. Right here, there you go. I got caught cheating by nine girlfriends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So right now my house is being renovated, so we're living in this temporary house, so don't judge the house, because our house is being renovated. That's my brother as Trump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, I gave a, so yeaah, our house is being renovated, but this is, we upload this twice a week, and this is our daily life of all the things we're up to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have a little rant at the beginning. I complain about how fem centric systems control the world and I'm tired of men being scared of female feelings. Then we have some sparring and then you skip about halfway through. We invited all our girlfriends over to the house at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my brother saying he's going down with the ship, and then it shows Sasine from Titanic where he goes down with the ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is all our chicks that, uh, and me. I, I start, I got to the point where I thought the only way to control them was to tell them I could do yoga fire like Dalsim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tristan's loving it, with all his girls. They all kinda got along for a while, they all got drunk and they were friends and then they all worked it out and it kinda went, it went that wrong. They all looked like sweet girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was fun. It was fun. So let's take confidential. So we show our lifestyle twice a week on there as well. There you go, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After that, I have some work I don't want to do, but I probably have to go to Thailand. And after all of that, I'm gonna go to Warsaw, then Bucharest, and I'm staying there all summer. Sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are beautiful. Thanks. I love my queens above 18. My kings above 18, you take care of them queens today. I love you guys. Have a good day. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, who's this? Hey, this is Zolo. Yeah, I was calling in regards to the guitar for sale on Craigslist for my mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me, uh, put my mom on the phone. She knows best. And, uh, yeaah, she can maybe tell you. She's from Peru, so, you know, her English is not so great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what guitar do you think is best, Marty, for an old Peruvian woman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom, why don't you show Marty what you got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the key. Yeah, totally. Uh, I was thinking maybe you and my mom could jam like over the phone. Do you have a guitar amp with you there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom, why don't you bust out the acoustic guitar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you do have one and one guitar. Yeah, we got the shitty acoustic guitar. She uses a loop pedal. Go ahead, mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are the, I just need to buy presents for everyone that I love and cherish, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there's two or three different things I need to set up. There's a 3D and a nativity scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dose, and you know we're on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the most part, it's like, oh, here's my part, I'm like, oh, that's interesting, I'll take it back, but when you guys are together, it's just like, yes and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, Anne. Yes, Anne. Yes, Anne. You wanna drink before noon? Let's get it going! But, like, you are, you guys just don't know how to say no to fuck, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're very fun. You know what? You know what it is. You have a really good fun beacon. You know how to find fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you have found fun in two, in two very close people to you. Christina and Brittany are both very fun and you have found it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I just think he's crafty. I think the second you start, kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pitching him on stuff that you normally don't pitch him on, he, you know, his eyes get a little squinty and he's like, what? Why would I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would I wanna go on this cruise for six months?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I got you. So this is how we make tuna at Subway. If you want to see the ingredients, you should pause it from the beginning because I didn't really show the pack, but this is one pack for every one pack of tuna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, you gotta get in there with your hands and it's just disgusting and like, the whole store smells like it. So, you just gotta mix it and then serve it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something that you may not know about Amazon is that when you purchase an item from them, sometimes they will send you an item that has been previously returned. So keep an eye out for this label. If you see this on a product, it means it's been returned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well see, and I thought it was a little soon as well because only like eight weeks post-op I was able to walk. Like I had a boot on and then I put on a brace. So, this accident happened how long ago? Three months now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go to my doctor, they x-ray me, and remember I had four breaks, two tib- tib- tibia, two fibula.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh, one, two on one, two on the other, and I dislocated my, uh, ankle, right? Remember, those are all my injuries, okay? So I've got all these pins and rods, so the x-ray just to make sure it's fine. And the doctor comes in and he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, you're like 99.9 percentile. This is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my cockroach fucking DNA. I am not crybaby pussy. I get up, I fucking run, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe a lot of my recovery was due to your, uh, neglect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And abuse. And, you know, not mollycoddling me. And I remember the first day I came home after surgery,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't understand the analogy, but I, I agree. Something to the neglect. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna lie, I walked on that shit probably before, like I just forced it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. But it is literally because I would, I would walk on it and it would hurt like shit, you know? Cause my body, like, it wasn't ready to take that weight and I'm like, I don't give a fuck, I'm just gonna keep walking. And then I just push through the pain and you know, take an oxy at night and that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I hate to say it, but you in the beginning of our relationship were kind of a savage with me that way, where you were like, I don't care, sit on my face, you just took a shit, I don't care, sit on my, like, I wanna lick your asshole, I don't give a shit. And it's so attractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like this, like I don't have to feed you with my ass, but you, you don't care about like filth or smell. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The I wanna lick your pussy plea is I'm so amazing at this. I'm gonna show you a good time. The I want to eat poop out of your butt plea is I'm here to serve you. I'm putting you on a pedestal. I'm demeaning, diminishing myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, in your worship. But don't you think that- That's different. That's different than, uh, I can lick your pussy girl and make you scream. Like, that's like, fuck you. You don't know what you're gonna do for me. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He loves me. He loves me. He would do anything for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's different, and that's the kind of worship I like. It's like, I know you now, we have a rapport, we've been to dinner a few times. And I'd like to eat your ass. I really, I really am so into you. Like, I just wanna eat your shit out of your butt. Kinda wish you would tell me that stuff every now and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, what's that Shakespeare, my mistress's breath isn't, it's not always perfect, yet Shakespeare adores his woman. It's the same thing of, yes, you're sweaty, you're gross, but I'm gonna lap up the sweat. It's worship, and I condone this. I like this message. I endorse this message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you Unkshine. But the banana split and all that, like that takes it too far, cause now it's inconveniencing me. Now he's gonna make me sticky and yucky and I don't want that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are just listening, that was him scratching. That's the sound I hear all the time. They can deal. That, and then your armpit scratches, when you take your bare hand and then you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sound, like man, if there was a game, hold on, hear me out, a game show of what's the sound your spouse makes, like I could do that lickety splat, like oh that's an armpit scratch, that's a beard scratch, that's a fart, that's a, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do that, like you, like you, you, oh, it's when you sneeze a lot, you do, okay, you, first of all, you sneeze in threes. And then you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So weird. And then the weirdest thing you do is that you somehow belch right when you wake up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. Yeaah. What a talent. They're super jealous. It's just weird, like, oh, anyway. Yeaah. And then, uhm, man, this happened, like, two weeks ago, and I still think about it and replay it in my mind. Like, there's two things I think about. No, three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time my stepdad, when I was like 15, I went to go kiss his cheek, and then he turned his head, and then we accidentally mouth kissed. I think about that moment, like. All the time. Like, he was, you know, there was that moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like my accident, you know, you're like, fuck, I should have just not done that that night. And then this new moment is I went to go take a piss in the middle of the night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you had just gone to the bathroom as well, so you, you had come back and it was my turn to go, and it's dark, and I sit down with a little bit of force, cause my ankle is still weak, you know, like it's not perfect, but I sit down, and I'm like, aah, aah, it's cold, my ass dips in the water,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I look, I stand up immediately and I look and the toilet seat is up of course. And not only have I dipped my ass in the toilet water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it weren't two in the morning, I would have taken a shower immediately. And I'm still so upset that that happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like, some fucking savage, some bitches are weird about peeing on toilet seats in public. So they'll fucking hover, and then there's pee on the- and I've sat on like, foreign persons piss, you're like, I don't even know whose piss this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, you know, and that's revolting in public, cause like, I can't shower at LAX. So I have to just wipe my ass of foreign pee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With toilet paper. And I'm like, oh, I just want to die. You just want to die all day. Oh man. Oh, it's the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how fortunate. Look. To be in the shower. Yeaah. What a blessing in the skies. That you were, uh, in the right place at the right time. Cause usually, you know, it doesn't work out that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't throw stones in glass houses, is that the saying, Nadav? Listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, one time, I mean, I've lifted up our toilet seat and there's been brown there and that's not my doing. So, is that just because it comes out with so much force?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number one time, the last time I sharded, I was standing in our kitchen in the valley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're in the valley here in the house here. Oh, okay, yeaah. And I uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had pizza rev and I was really on a pizza rev kick. The cauliflower crust. Yeah. So spicy and so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember I was standing there at the counter and I was with the little kids and then I farted. I thought, oh, this is good. And I felt wetness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get up, walk. Your ankle's not broken. Yeah, that's how it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember one time in Radonbro, uh, you would drink a Robex, and you got so sick from Robex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't even make it to the bathroom. And at the time we, we lived in just a two bedroom apartment, remember, and you had to walk. I remember this because I was super pregnant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had to go, so here's the bedroom here, I'd have to get up and then you'd walk through the living room, through the kitchen, and then that's how you get to our bathroom. And I would like brrrr, like 500 times a day when I was pregnant, get out of bed, go there. And you poor thing, you didn't make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was nice. Sleeping in a queen bed with you last night, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We haven't slept in a queen size bed since we got our first sought of a mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we used to sleep in a queen together all the time. And last night I forced love, I forced snuggling on you. And nowhere to go is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Chris, I had a lovely sweaty sleep last night. I woke up dredged in sweat. You like that? I love it. I love it. Chris Larson hates it. Yeah, it's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but then I sweat and I like to, I like, I think it purifies me. I'm being serious. You know when I feel like I'm getting sick and I go, I need, let me sleep. I'm gonna sweat it out. And then I sweat it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. So, Tom, are you suggesting that this should be his October video? Yea, his October video. Okay, so Chris, we'd like to see this in the October video, wishing people a great good week, good day, good weather, good weekend, good work week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And make sure it's a good birthday too. Hope you're having a good birthday, good year, many more good, good birthdays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but Chris, I want you, like he's saying, go through your comments from the September video and be like, also I want to thank Marcy719 who said that I did a good job on my last video. Thank you Marcy719.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'd like to see it double in time length. It sounds like you've got a lot to cover in this October video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is such a, it really started as just a silly idea. It's actually, it started with me on where my mom's at. I'm a huge Crayshon fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was rapping Gucci Gucci. I know all the words to this. I've listened to this song for a fucking decade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We reached out, we were, she reached out to me, whatever, on DMs, we started going back and forth, Crayshon came on the show, I throw out there, hey, why don't we do a mom song, let's rap, as a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, yeah, sure. I go, you're kidding me. So right before the Pandy, we got into the sound studio, you know what I'm saying? And we recorded a rap song. I'm a rapper, producer, director, editor, and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the Pandy happened, so we didn't get to shoot the music video. So... Two weeks ago, I think it was now, came to LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shot right here. Shot right here at YMH Studios. He agreed to do the music video and we recorded a music video to the mom song, Cray Sean and myself. This is not the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the official teaser, we're gonna drop the video when, next up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put on the official YMH channel. You guys, it was, I mean look, I put a lot of effort. You did, you really did. Dollars into this, this cost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. Yea, I'm really excited for you. Don't we look official? You guys do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is so talented. She is. I mean, listen, I, I, obviously I'm a comedian first. It's, rapping is my A vocation, if you will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I can't wait to drop. I can't wait for you guys to see. It was such a fun thing. And, uh, yeah, I can't wait. It's going to be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the oddest thing to enjoy. I really don't understand, cause I'm, I'm wincing the whole time. And you like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think you just get paralyzed like your neck snaps easily, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He's strong though. He's got a lot of muscles and stuff. He can, you know. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I would definitely get ripped in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You still have it. Can we yawn up for the record?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, me talking about sharding doesn't entice you to put your mouth on my b-hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm, in the hotel, and you browned as I showered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up with tomorrow? What's up with tomorrow? Nothing, you go, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The king's got an element of perviness to him. You know, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I don't, is beautifulist a word? I don't think so. Chris, you're the smart one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, impactful is not a fucking word. Oh my god. It's a corporate. We're not here again. The diminutive space. No, but diminutive space is not a word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't read anymore. Not since I had children. I don't read. My brain is gone. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I'm fully retarded now. I 100% agree. I think I used to be smart, and I'm not. And that's fine, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. But seriously though, don't you think having


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too small, like maybe just having too small kids, it has made my brain dumber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like something major will happen in the world, and you'll be like, oh, you didn't hear about that? And I'm like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care. I don't care. I don't care because it doesn't affect my immediate world. My immediate world is, mom, give me water. Mom, I have to poop. Mom, wipe my ass. So like, that matters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well we were just talking last night, you know, we were, we were staying in a hotel, we, we were only here for a day to shoot all these podcasts right now, two podcasts, but anyway, uh, we're only here for a night because we don't want to leave our babies. And I was laying in bed with you and I'm like, remember we used to just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, no, we did, we, before we had kids, we would just like, we just had all this time to sit around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, it's funny because I really cherish that time in our marriage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I feel bad, bad, not badly. I feel bad. Cause I'm like, does he miss that? I literally do. I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh, right, cause I give all my snuggles to the children and to the dog. And then you're like last on the snuggle sheet, the call sheet. True. So I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, and just like at the every, every night, okay, we watch our shows, and then I'd be like, come here, come, come talk to me, and then we lay down, and then we would just laugh, and, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Play around and lay on top of me and push the air out of my body and stuff. Remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, like, what did we do before children? Now looking back, all that free time? What the fuck did we do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we watched a lot more television. Cause you and I were both lazy, like when we weren't working, we were just hanging out. Yea. And we just work. We worked a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is our idol time together. Of just like, oh my god, show me how those big tits fart. You know, like all the stupid shit that we would just say to each other. You know, like the mommy dance and like, wearing your jean, like all that stuff was just... Silliness. Silly. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sleeper. So we're, you and I, I got ahead of you in Game of Thrones. I got so into it. Now you need to catch up to me so that we can watch the program again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what I realized is that you and I are not joiners. And so when someone's like, you gotta see this, you gotta do this, you and I immediately are like, no thanks. Don't wanna fucking do it. I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it took us a decade later to be like, oh, what are we going to watch? I heard about this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but Top Dog, after, if you're very thirsty, and then you drink a Diet Coke, doesn't that make you feel thirstier?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, you may want to try some Coalesce, you know, when your taint is healing, that Coalesce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And lay down, don't, don't sit on your taint, that's gonna make it ache. Try to lay down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so funny. So what do you think his diet is? Remember he's like, I've been watching my diet. Like, what do you think a good day of eating?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my dad did get kidney stones from not drinking enough water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only time I saw him drinking somewhat of water, it was, uhm, soda water. He would only drink carbonated. Like dude, that's not the same either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember when you told me he ate lettuce? Yea. When you guys were together and he wanted full credit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So funny. And we're hateful cunts who don't- I mean, as stand-up comics, you know you don't laugh at their comics, you're fucking amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's funny. The only thing that, I wish you wouldn't have tweeted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they don't have life experience, but my philosopher King would be raised from birth to lead. So they would make sure that she or he had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some kid somewhere will show signs of being the Dalai Lama, and they're like, that guy, that's him, it's the reincarnated...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I know during the Pandy, we have friends in New York that were like, it's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I was watching the seminal game with you for a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's why you like, that's why you're comfortable with like, wilding out and wildly destructive behavior. Of course. Yea, you're like, I got nothing to lose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so true. The big city comic who never leaves is its own brand of stand-up, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm done, dude. If my kid fuckin' grows up and makes these TikToks, I will beat the shit out of him. Hey. I'll fuckin' take his head and beat it on desk. And I don't care. I don't like it. Done. That guy's howlin' out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing, I think it sounds to me like this person wants a cool nickname.


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[Assistant] The thing is, yea, and also to turn it into whatever that is, what is it, bug self, bugging, I don't know what the grammatical word is, but why do you have to make the nickname a functional word like that? That's just annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love brisket now. What is brisket, guys? What is it? It's a cow?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meaning like you'll be in a restaurant. Hey, that guy's wearing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six weeks, that's six weeks. Six weeks. Which is nothing because you really don't know you're pregnant until about six weeks. Right. So the heartbeat kicks in. True. That's usually right when women find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so crazy, like getting accustomed to the south, I grew up in California, I'm a lifelong Angelino, and then we just moved to Texas, so I'm learning the culture. You guys are in Austin though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's, they're pretty, they're pretty liberal. I categorize Austin as like 90s liberal. Well California kinda was in the 90s, like, we're there. But uhm, but yeah, that kinda stuff. I'm like, wow, this is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take it to the movies. And there's these signs everywhere, like don't bring your gun into the grocery store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, speaking of a plane etiquette, do you want to show the photograph? Oh my fucking god. So this is on our delayed flight when we came in from Austin. We were sitting on the tarmac for what, the two hours yesterday, and we were in first class. Let's just preface it like, these are nice seats. These are not the shitty seats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well imagine you're the, yea, that you're the guy in the yellow shirt, in front of him, and you kinda glance back and you see this guy's big fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The big Fred Flinstone foot there, barefoot, his nasty toenail, right there, I mean, and his kids right there, he's teaching his kid, hey, it's okay to be barefoot on a plane, put your foot out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was telling, I mean, we've been noticing in Austin there's a lot of shirtless joggers, the men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And look, don't comment to me, oh, Christina hates feet. It's not that. It's that this isn't space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love feet. I got nothing against any body part on humans. I'm just saying that you don't put your feet up on someone else's rest because this man in the yellow shirt, all he has to do is lean back and now he's touching you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jim's short, but those are at least shorts. I'm talking people in pajamas and house slippers I have seen get on planes. That's right, wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy fuck, so, I was just at the grocery store in Tejas, and I used to smoke for how many, uh, from the time I was 13 to the time I was 30. How many years is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 73 years, I smoked. And I was just looking at the price of a carton of cigarettes. Take, show the photograph. You would die. How much, look how much cigarettes are now. A carton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I at the time, I think 20 to 25 dollars, when I was smoking Camel Lights, I'd get a carton for like 20, 25 dollars. And, look at that! A carton of Capris, which are the ladies cigarettes, those thin ones, like with, you know, magenta. A hundred dollars. To kill yourself. Isn't that wild?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The syntax. Oh wow. Yeah, I mean, I don't know, I'm sure California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Yeaah, the south, I don't give a shit. So wait, Nadav, uh, how much is a carton of, a carton of cigarettes now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, he's right about the sushi. L.A. is sushi. Texas is where we live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I did kill Tony a while back and there was a little person and this other guy lifted the little person above his head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so maybe it's the same guy. Yeah, the guy who works at the strip club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I was like, how much does this guy weigh? And he's like 160?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you guys wanna hear just a horrible story? Sure. Um, so I, I was at the airport and, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so this plane landed at night and it was a silent propeller and a guy who was on, you know, the tarmac or whatever, like, um, driving a golf cart didn't see or hear the plane and then went right into the propeller and got ground up and died. Now, isn't that a wild story?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I've been thinking about Tommy John a lot lately, Tommy Johns. We were thinking about if he ever had a girlfriend. I'm thinking there's no way a woman would ever date him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I don't- I believe in inclusivity and- and- Yours is- The marginalized- Freaks. Yours is absolute freaks. We don't like to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I thought that was an interesting approach hit me on my life. So he's, he's going to go live and that's how the girl should hit him up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is like, you're asking her to come back and do a second step. Just send me a message. Yeah, why are you doing this asshole? It's like, oh tickets will be on sale for my show next week. Well, there's no call to action now. You're asking the consumer to come back a second time. What are you doing? Silly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this works. Cause even if you're a fan of something, chances are you may forget in a week that your Bauhaus tickets are on sale. You know what I mean? And then I have to go back again? That's ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he loves that. This is kind of white trash adjacent music. Is this called like death metal or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that is dedication. A whole minute long singing like that, it's gotta hurt your vocal cords.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goodness knows, I do, you know, after five or six shows, you gotta take care of your pipes. Yeah. That's his instrument. He's just thrashing it. Yeah. Gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, my favorite are these like pre, these jokes, these internet jokes and then people do their version of them. It's so horrible. They're all so fucking terrible. It's the, it's the worst form of humor when someone re-does the, the pre-prescribed joke. It's the worst. These are all like straight jokes, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is a shake or something. But I mean, at first I'm like, oh, is this just some like, some dude's apartment in the valley? You know? Some guy in Van Nuys has two ligers. Man, look at those fucking heads and tee shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you start a gallery of photos of people that look like Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there is this thing in, uhm, kink culture in the UK, I think it's called sploshing, where they do like to put food and stuff on their bodies. So I don't know, this could be sploshing adjacent, I'm thinking, but who knows. There you go. That's what reminded me of, especially because she's obviously English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I don't know, so I thought maybe that's how she got inspired, is maybe splashing? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you feel, you didn't like the food on her that made you feel dirty and stuff? Maybe it's her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had a really hard time choosing which talk because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The audio is all bad. They're too long. He doesn't get to the fucking point. But I wanted to showcase this talent because this one's very special and, you know, he's making the rounds in the Dark Talk Wars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't feel any of that. Really? I feel nothing but elation, joy, I like sharing. Really? Yeah, this stuff really tickles my fancy. How do you feel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I think they're all funny. Here's the deal. Here's why. Hear me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These people all have their issues in life, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they can go on TikTok and share what makes them happy and for a few seconds they're celebrities and they feel good about themselves and they're happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like, I see them just being super stoked, and I'm stoked with them, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're an anti, you're against abortion. How do you feel about chomos? What do we do with the chomos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chamo Island? Yeah, yeah. I think we should cut their nuts off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, this chick's the best. So. God. This is a woman with big naturals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all her like, late night Taco Bell run, and then it's her walking and her tits bouncing, and then it's like, going to the beach, tits bouncing, walking, getting in my car, tits bouncing, walking. It's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I just realized, you guys get so much shit heaped on you, men do, for your appearance too, I'm lying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I was just thinking, cause like, I don't read many comments cause they'll, all of them are like, you're so fucking old, your shit is so fucking old, you look like you have plastic surgery, like it's so rude. But I forget that you guys get shit on way more maybe than I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I once heard about a guy putting a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in between the mattress and then the mattress pad. And then you, you can do that. That would work. You could definitely do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can put it in a ziplock bag to contain this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. And don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I got my, got my ice water. Ice, ice water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you definitely use a burner or you use Google phone or Skype or something, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who knew that that little space under your kitchen cabinets where your toes can slide under is designed that way on purpose. It's called a toe kick and it allows you to stand closer to the counter while cooking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was fucking waiting, and then we were like, okay, are you drinking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Miss Yearwood. Uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She can't, you know, the way she smells. She's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does that mean, the way she smells? That's such a lovely thing to say. She smells like anything's possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but we're comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, yea, I took her by her hair and I threw her down the stairs, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the deal. I got your sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got news for you. You go to the TikTok Help Center.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Underneath community guidelines. It says copyright in fragmenting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That means you have to have that person's permission to do what you are doing to their videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YMH Live is back with special guest Jessica Curzon, a live performance by Zara Face, more special guest, crazy content, the heaviest segment ever, livestream.ymhstudios.com, September 22nd, get tickets now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. Go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash The Shit and get $200 off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always puts me in a good mood, that song. DJ Boi Butter, uhm, with Just Like the Gays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Garth's team reached out and uhm, you know what they said?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Baby face too. God damn. Smooth ass baby face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, those are those old classic G hits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to plug your dates real quick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unshine has always spoken to me, but I mean, I'll never, ever not feel, um, what Leo did for me and how he still lives in my heart. Okay, you come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I call that a shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of all the wild shit we showed Shaggy in The Creep, the thing that they were like, whoa, was his stuff, was the King's videos. They were like, what's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're showing him like people's legs breaking and, you know, crazy people and then we played this and he was like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had no idea what, yeah, they were fantastic. I had no idea what to expect. I mean, I thought it'd be fun, you know, they're coming to do the show, but like I didn't think it was gonna be that much fun. So much fun. I was laughing my ass off that whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're great. Uhm, well, you wanna hear what the, uhm, what the king has to say about this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. I love you both. Thank you, Steve. I, first of all, I'm glad you cleared the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, that was very nice of you, Mr. King Guy. Uhm, to let us know that you're just razzin' us. And uhm, as you pointed out, you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, yeah, it's a chit chat kind of polite thing. It's fucking chit chat. It's chit chat. How's everybody doing today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, there's so much to get into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. No, no, this is a fun one. So this is Ricky, uh, Turkios, MMA fighter, cast member on UFC reality show, The Ultimate Fighter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so Ricky, uh, Ricky's doing his press call. He seems like- I love this kid already. Yeah, he's got great personality. Outgoing, he's got a big smile. I haven't seen him fight, I don't know much about him, but I'm on your side already. Uhm, and he was really, really was dropping those, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so that was an epic, uh, Ricky Turquoise, uh, super cut of, you know what I'm saying, you know what I mean? And I didn't think anything could top that. It's been sitting in my, it's been sitting in my little bank here for a minute. And then last week we had Shaggy on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, within the first, within the first five minutes, I was like, this might be a record-breaking, you know what I'm saying? Like Shaggy was driving mad, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funny thing about Death Row is that, uhm, it's, uh, Dr. Dre's song, I think it's Fuck With Dre Day, where it starts, the song, like, it goes, dun, dun, dun, dun, he goes, yeaah, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, one of the things that's real, we should talk about this, is that I couldn't go a few weeks ago, uh, to Burt's variety party, but our staff went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have a favorite burger? Cause I think burgers might be my all time favorite food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I uhm, I first said that online, man, I don't know, three or four years ago, and I got just annihilated by people, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought maybe I got it wrong. I was like, man, maybe I had a bad one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bread is part of the ingredient of a great burger. The bread's terrible. No, I would do In-N-Out, uh, Shake Shack is fucking legit. That's definitely up there. Super good. Yeah. But what a burger. I don't know why those fucking dum-dums think it's, uh, something special. It's the most bullshit burger I've ever had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you know what it is though, is that these fucking idiots that think that Whataburger is something special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just not exposed to anything else. They don't know any better. You know, it's like if you're fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're, I don't know, if you're in Croatia and you're like, you know what the best thing is? Roasted flowers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, cause like that's what your grandma makes. Yeah. And you're like, there's nothing better than grandma's rock soup. Then yeah, that's what you, that's all you eat. So you think it's the best thing ever. Then you get out there a little more. You're like, Oh, this is fucking hot diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's just supposed to sop it up. Sop up all that grease, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they are putting up, it's clear, what's been made clear to me, they push him to make these posts. They're like, you need to make a post.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, is this going to be your series? Like every month you'll be like, ah, I'll see you next month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Well, you know that by putting this on, you're gonna get a lot more followers now, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So your parents are on Instagram? Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's leave them out of this. We don't want anything to happen to them. No, let's leave them out. What do they think of your social media presence?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of DMs are you looking for? Do you want, like, puss pics? Uhm, a-holes? This is what I'm talking about. What is, like, your preference?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you send, uh, Chris Larson your puss pic. Can't stand him. He doesn't like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody who has a similar philosophy to you probably would work, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do you approve? I approve Jews! Do you care about dating outside your religious background?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not even gonna look at them. I'm looking for girls for plus eight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, very impressed with his staff. All I heard about is that everybody now sends dick pics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I got something pretty cool to show you. Yeah, let's see it. Do you remember a few weeks, maybe like a month and a half ago or something, maybe two months ago, uh, this? He's giving me a ticket for stunts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So stunting, I mean, here in the United States, that's what, you know, the hot boys like Lil Wayne and Big Baby, but I guess in stunting in Canada has a different, is that like loitering or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so it's a- Stuntin'. Stuntin', stuntin' like your daddy. But, uh, okay, so he's- that's the Canadian term for doing something distracting, I guess, on the road, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that they're like, what are you doing? We've been behaving rationally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how the message here is like, they're just not fair, these cops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that I'm out of my mind angry right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you think it's gonna go? I don't know, that's always been obvious to me that like cops will not respond well to any of that. Me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was so angry when he was getting pulled over, god damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy is like, fuck, I'm dealing with a assault with a deadly weapon on a police officer charge. Like I gotta deal with that now. You wanna talk about getting fucked? Like that's a big fuck you charge. Like if all that cop has to do is tell that story to the, you know, district attorney or whatever they have there and it's like, oh boy, you're going to have a really long fucking year, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you do that to a cop here, it's not gonna be chill. It's gonna be really bad for you, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, speaking of, holy shit, I wanna show you this. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at this and tell me how amazed you are. Okay. I mean, I'm amazed. I got to see this before we rolled. Okay. Let me see. All right. Just keep an eye on this screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, is that what it's called? Yes, this one. This is the one. Are you ready for this? This is so unfucking believable. I can't believe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, this guy jumped out of the third story window. Amazing. We saw rain boots break his whole body. Jumping from like 10 feet. This dude lands on his


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Third story jump? Are you fucking kidding me? Bananas. He was fine. He didn't even go like, oh, let me sit here for a second. Let this, this pain that's searing through my ankle and knees. No, just popped up. That is just exhibit A. Black people are better at this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's it. That's what I would show in court. I'd be like, can I show you this real quick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy jumped out of a third story window and just popped up and went for a jog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking crazy. It is pretty wild. We don't even know if that guy's like 35.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought we were just going to see somebody jump and then like the rain boot guy be like, ah, just lay there with broken limbs. Not pop up and jog away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's incredible. It's incredible. That's incredible. I'm gonna send this to my doctor and be like, yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, we got this clip in about when they're at the hotel. No! Asking about it. No! Yea, at check-in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As from Gavin, you know, he's doing that thing. What is that called? You know, um, I feel like Kevin Nealon made it the most famous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, is this a conspiracy theory? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They know. She's like, yeah, they didn't fill me in, but I know what you're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a similar kind of thing of the subliminal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did this to my uncle when I was a teenager, where one time I, I go, I uhm, Michael Dave, I go, oh yea, my uhm, he's like, are you okay? I was like, ah, my ailing is going. And he was like, what? And I go, my ailing is going? And he was like, hmm, yea. Let's see if we got some medicine or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, yeaah, I don't think a medicine will help. I just feel like my ailing is doing. And he was like, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what our reluctance to, to say, like, I don't know what you're saying. I don't understand, yeah. So he just, well he just kept talking to me about it. He's like, yeah, I had something like that one time, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's kinda like my method man story where I was embarrassed to keep saying what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I just went like, yeah, yeah, I know what you mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I gotta disagree with you on that because I remember saying impactful to you and you telling me that's not a word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the 1960s, so before you were born, it merged as a word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, it's one of those things that has never struck me as, never struck me as anything other than


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I remember a decade ago, more saying impactful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris Larson? I think it's a word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not. It's not like circle back or put a pen in it. It's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know where you're getting this. I don't know what happened in your youth where impacts were made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard that so much and I've never understood it. I never understood why people are bothered by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not upset that you don't like the word impactful. I'm mocking and laughing at the fact that your illogical take on the word is nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I do my research, I'll find some article that you read. I don't know what kind of shit that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first thing that came up was that this word has been around for 60 years. And you're like, that is not a word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another complaint levied at impactful is that it's not a well formed word. Full means full of. Impact does not mean full of impact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but full doesn't only mean full of, it also means, among other things, characterized by, as in, playful and tasteful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are also object to impactful on the basis of its occupancy of a space already filled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just explained it in that, like, it means characterized by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got you a guy that might turn you on. Something sexy for you. Is it young Garth? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants you to feel what he's saying. He's got spooky eyes. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're right. No, you'll get it. That works. I want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well he came by the table. Right? Or did I get up? No, you went up. No, I got up, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's more like saying, I gotta shit. Right. Where's the bathroom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was Redondo. That was that Arrigato. I promise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was. And one thing I, one thing I can say with certainty is that your memory is dog shit. I know. You don't remember things that happened fucking earlier today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, she goes, how was the food? I go, it was great. I think I tore my stomach lining. And she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he wanted to be dropped off in bear country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good times, Jean. You know he's looking for a good time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is he like, I'm not afraid? I don't understand. Is she a child? Is that because he's not dating a voice actress?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the actress's name. Ali E. Trevallo. Ali E. Trevallo. Okay. She is mine. Uh oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think it's, uh, it's traumatizing to announce his truth. You know, like he, he's like, dating her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's mine. He's like, we've been talking. But he hasn't been talking to the, maybe he's been talking to the cartoon. Like he talks to Moana when it's playing and then he's like, she's talking to me. He's highly delusional. Which is funny that he actually points out that he's not delusional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by DraftKings. Now is the time to celebrate. The NFL is finally back and DraftKings, the official daily fantasy partner of the NFL, has millions of reasons why you should be excited to kick off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The football season DraftKings is giving new customers a free shot at $1 million, the top prize with a total of $4 million up for grabs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feel the NFL action like never before with a free shot at a million dollar payday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This week new customers can get a free shot at the $1 million top prize and $4 million in total prizes. Enter code mom to get a free shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] at the $1 million top prize with your first deposit. That's code mom only at DraftKings, the official daily fantasy partner of the NFL minimum $5 deposit required eligibility restrictions apply seekdraftkings.com for full details. We're back. You peed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what doctors tell you to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, we've been having this conversation. That's why it's a, it's a, it's revisiting a topic that's been coming up quite a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and how I wish you could at least try to not let everyone out, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knows that that G fanbase is going to be like, do you see how, did y'all see what he said on the Good Morning Show when she asked him how, how Ms. Yearwood smells and he's like, she smells like nothing's impossible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet when he goes to bed, she's not like, and then wakes up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bullshit. Trish. She probably sits on the toilet and does it. Trish eats. Yea, I know, but she probably farts on the toilet. That's probably what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's bullshit, he's like whenever she comes in to sing on a song, you start getting all


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine that, G. Hmm? You think anyone's ever asked him that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is something I have not yet seen, but whenever I see something like this in my folder, I get excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty cool. Yea, I love that accent. I don't know anything basically that was said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I love it. I mean I get it, but it's not like it's all clear to me. No. You know what I always say, I got that cut out of fucking you. I love this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The performance of a lifetime, I just saw that. I just saw a billboard. It's such a good show. He is an amazing actor though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he could always dip in and out of the, usually like the British stuff real easy. I mean, you know, that was his, what was the other character? What was his love?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The story I read about him and SNL is they were just like, he was fucking unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he would write the great, great sketches and that his sketches would just be home runs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was part of the class, like, I feel like everybody that at least grows up in the states has an SNL, uh, period that you grew up with, and for me I think it started probably in fourth grade, and it ran


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then, you know, it kind of fades, then you kind of go in and out in high school and stuff, but man, that foundation of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just brought him on stage the other day at Supernova and I was like, this is still crazy to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jim Carrey. Yeaah. Damon Waynes. Yeaah. David Alan Greer. Tommy Davidson. Keenan Irie Waynes. I mean those were like the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm leaving people out, but it was heavy hitters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, not as many today. We have some, hopefully these are some real home runs. I gotta say, last week, little depressing, kind of a depressing run, but I am somebody who respects that the artist has different feelings, and that may have been curated on a sad day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, you can normalize saggy boobs without wearing that fucking top. That's what I'm saying. I feel like the next part of this TikTok is they asked me to leave. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Small boobs and medium sized boobs and flat boobs and big boobs and yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walmart said, please don't wear that here. Your tits are out. They don't care how long and saggy they are. They just, they're out. Don't, just any tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he also pointed out that it says Happy Sunday, tomorrow is Monday, it's the beginning of the work week, if you're not familiar with how days of the week normally go. And then, uh, I'm gonna go get my car cleaned right now. I hope you have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fully updated. And that's what I want. Just to know everybody's absolute minimal move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That people are like, the fuck are you wearing? Because Europeans wear capris. Men. When it's hot. Which are gay AF too. They're so gay. They're the gayest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. Show up pants, essentially. I'd rather give six guys a handjob at a bus stop than wear capris for a fucking minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a real picture, I thought that was a funny picture. Hit that link, that Pinterest link there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, 17 glorious photos of men walking around London in tiny suit shorts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a real thing? No. Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, when she's doing that, the, the, the removal part, it looks like it's actually coming off clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great idea. I would like Chris Larson to start doing posts like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like your next monthly post to be like, Hey everybody, it's Chris Larson. Uh, I just finished work here. It's Friday, weekends come in and uh, I hope you have a great weekend. I want to do a couple of shout outs. Everybody sent me their butthole pics and their post pics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you very much to Lauren and Sheila and Stephanie and Rebecca.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, hope you have a great weekend and I'll be back on Monday at work. I work here. And, uh, stay positive. Can we do that please?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, you're really killing it with this. You're a natural. You're a natural. Alright, we're gonna get him on TikTok, too, okay? Oh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, is that a shadow? Okay, I thought all of a sudden I saw a bruising and I was like, oh my god. No. Okay, I was like, oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just thought that maybe you were like going through a cardiac episode or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I like things that are wild that I like. Not that I don't like. I don't like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this person doesn't have the, uh, wherewithal to seek out a therapist. I think they're like, I'm my own therapist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your tits are too big. No one ever told you that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the funniest moment, but I had a fun time doing the show today I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, no, I mean, these, you know, these were better than the last ones. The last batch was real sad. This was better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Uh, the closing song is Peterson Connell by Craftmatics. This was a lot of fun today. This was a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am highly pissed right now. Please officer, just threaten to slap me. That's not right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a big steak, uh, filet, and then, uh, you know, all the appetizers on the sides and everything. So you went to town. Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I mean that's my favorite part of going to these events, you know, they're always bringing around plates of food. Do you show up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love me some Taco Bell, but uh, I think I'm a pretty re- well rounded eater for the most part. Like I eat like, I try to eat relatively healthy and clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last night was a burger. Last night was a burger and fries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think they're pretty solid. I did a good one this morning and I was like, oh, that was nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From his Instagram. Yeaah. From his Instagram. Yeaah. Just got sent in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, they won't stop pounding me at work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna have this ready, going surprise motherfucker. I'm gonna spray their fucking windshield and empty this entire belt right on their motherfucking windshield.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was pretty interesting. Uhm, so, you know, she was checking to see, like, oh yeah, I just wanted to make sure, uh, when we're, uh, uploading the, the mom rap video that she did with Crayshaw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I told Christina, so I says, I says, uh, you know, we'll release it the day after the YMH episode comes out so it doesn't compete.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then as she's in the same room with everyone that she's on the group text with, me and Annie,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then both of our phones vibrate and we look up and it's from Christina and we look up and she's right next to us and boy was that confusing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is the kind of lathe video I'm into. This is the type of stuff I send you, and then the other lathe video is the type of stuff you send me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm half Cherokee Indian, I'm half Irish, and I'm half country boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shaggy, did you guys meet Bobby Lee when y'all did Mad TV way back when? And Burt Kirsten said he met you before. True or false?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up there chomo? What's up there chomo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see, my magnetic driver actually have to make the basic blueprints not to be so discretion, well, perhaps to do so for the safety measures of the technology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, wrap the top of my head on this one. You got H2CN that releases the magnetic properties of niobium into the decaying rate of niobium 2, which is actually a form of radioactive material that kind of enhances when the niobium loses


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, we got a bunch of new merch right now. Go to store.ymhstudios.com and get that hot new gear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. Go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash The Shit and get $200 off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boom, boom, boom, we're back. What's up there, chomo? We are back. That's a old school jam from Ghost Crew. I know, I love Ghost Crew and I loved hearing all the old drops. I want to say I met them in Portland in like, God, that must have been 20, maybe 14, 13 or 14.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they would kick out, they made the Isn't Greasy, they made the Jules song, the Jules song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That dude is from an old episode of Cops. Yeaah. So the cops come up to his van, and he's like, they're like, start even drinking, and he goes, okay, we're gonna need to talk to you for a sec.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We heard your mom's house. I don't have that drop anymore, it's on my old soundboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the best. I could talk about that commercial every day of my life. It is the best thing I've ever seen. It's Orson Welles doing Paul Masson commercials in like, it's gotta be in the 80s, in the early 80s. And like, it starts with the director going, action, and then they just all sit there and he goes, he doesn't do anything? And they're like, cut!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so bad. That was so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, where am I? I'm doing some Spanish shows in, uh, in Ontario at the Improv in California here, not Ontario, Canada. Making that real clear. Brea Improv as well, Spanish show. Then back to my native and first language, English. Uh, looks like I'm doing Atlantic City, the Borgata in August. Also,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stay tuned real close to announcing some big dates. I cannot wait and I should get the green light to put those up real soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're on my email list, you'll get the email about it. If you've bought merch or you've bought a live show, you'll also get an email before the public does, like the general public. So you'll have first dibs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't get the cool guy guitar rift. He doesn't. Because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like I believe, I believe there's a kindness to him, so he doesn't get the riff. You only get the riff if there's some ill intentions, or you're, uh, misleading, or you're, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't know it. I believe that he's like, well how else do I meet somebody?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just trying, and he's not like, and you know, if you've got, your boobs are out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the angle is terrible. I will say that. The angle is absolutely terrible. How do people still, you know somebody asked me for a photo, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, when I was on the road a week ago. You can take a picture, sure. And then their friend takes their camera phone and gets underneath us. And I was like, what are you doing? And they're like, taking a picture. I'm like, from down there? And they're like, yeah. And I was like, that's gonna look terrible, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, really? I go, well yea, you're gonna be shooting up at us? And he was like, oh, I go, stand up! Like, what are you fucking doing? How do you not know that? This, I don't know how he doesn't. He's like, I guess for him he's like, I have to be able to walk freely and talk, so I'll just put the camera down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean that, you know, some people, they go too high, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes it's like, it's a little extreme.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one time I saw a picture that was flattering of myself, I was like, why does this look good? It's because I was reaching out of a, I was reaching out of the door. So, so my face was extended. I was like, oh yeah, that's flattering. Never looks good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope that this podcast sure serves as an advertisement for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's say you really connect and you really like her, right? Or you both like each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, it's gotta be, you gotta dial it back to like, like a fucking half hour radius. Like are you within...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, we're gonna get this man to re-record. That's what you're gonna do. Couple things you're gonna do, sir. First of all, you're gonna hold that camera up, or you're gonna place it on a shelf that's at eye level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice to know he has a home, he has a roof. That's a good thing to do. Maybe open the fridge and be like, look at all the fucking food I have in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would say a couple pluses, got a nice full head of hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how it is out there and the person's like, uh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't get a special cause I'm a white guy and you're like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the woman can go, I can just stay crazy. And uh, and the guy can be like, I can stay like mediocre. And uh, that's why I think that's like, and then instead of being like, get better at stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I love you. Thanks. Love you too. Appreciate you- Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's it, that's his video, he put it out there. I really would, I'll say this, if people know this guy, and you get him to, like, re-record, based on our direction, a new video, I will play it on the show, and direct people to where he wants us to direct them. I promise you. Yes, I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a bit exaggerated. And by the way, everybody believes it. Everybody believes whenever anyone says that I'm in my fifties or older, they're like, Hey, I didn't know. And then I tell them and they're like, I thought you were like 55, man. That's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's super original. When that came out, I was like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's about you. You would like stupid. It's not about you. It's not your fucking birthday. Yeah. Stupid kid. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got home and she was like, cause I know you love Lamborghinis. And I go, I hate Lamborghinis. She was like, what? And I go, I despot, I have contempt for Lamborghinis. She was like, really? And I go, how do you not pay attention at all to that part?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was super, it really made me laugh. I was like, oh cool, it's vegetables and steak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's me. It's you. It's what you like. Steak and broccoli.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably not them, no. The lady that made the tits would probably do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody's like, yeah, it's not, it's not that original of a take, but this is. Steak and veggies is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got me a fucking- That's rad. Jetski, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it'll be there when we arrive in Austin. I'm pretty stoked about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody already hit me up and they go, hey, there's an aftermarket kit you can put on it and it'll go a hundred miles an hour. I'm like, ah, I think I'm good. I think I'm good on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it's from a few weeks ago. I didn't send it to him. Somebody I know did. Yeah, you, you had someone else do it so that I'd open the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've hit it like, I don't know, 25, 30 miles an hour. So you fall, it's jar, you can get hurt. But if you do that, 70 plus miles an hour, you're probably going to die. Somebody on board is going to die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also I realized that like, this thing is going downhill and not slowly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this body, like just, you know, it's not gonna, nothing's gonna last that long. So I'm trying to enjoy things. That's what I'm trying to take care of. Like everyone thinks that I'm taking care of myself because I got injured and I don't want to be injured, which is part of it. It's like the trigger to, to trying to like take better care of yourself, but it's only part of it. Like I'm also like, oh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm aging, I should really try to take better care of myself because, again, this absolute pile of diarrhea that is my body is, you know, it's not gonna get better, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if I like really try to take care of it, it might be like somewhat sustainable. And also like I have these absolute dog shit genetics where like I look at my dad and his brothers and I'm like, you guys look like shit. And then I go, oh, that's me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that's what I'm going to be. And they looked fucking 70 at 50. So I'm like, I really better. And they have like, I, you know, I'm at least an entertainment. So I have been a, I have like an excuse to like really try to maintain, you know, like, you know, you have to present yourself to a public, like to an audience. So yeah, I'm trying to take better care of myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A then 35 year old is playing a woman at least 10 years older. No, she's playing. So she's my age. Yea, she's playing 45.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's an era too where people also dressed differently. People used to get on planes in a coat and tie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 25? And those last few years are just gonna be the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Not a chance. I think 70 would be real fucking lucky for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe a sledgehammer at your fucking skull or something and then I'll be like, she fucking fell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For you. Because I asked you and you're like, I like the way you dress already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty good looking face. You are so cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you this, I'll do a deal with you. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will shave it, what are we gonna, uhm, I'll shave it in July or August.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm on my, I'm on my health kick. If I get down like another 10, 12, I'll shave the beard.


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[Assistant] I haven't seen it. It freaks me out. Last time I trimmed my beard, I was like looking at myself in the mirror and I was like, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you're right though, I will look way younger. When the gray's gone, cause I even saw like other uhm, well known people on, you know, social media and stuff, and they have a beard and they shave it, and you're like, oh this dude looks like, so much younger now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by our partner whoop. We all want to make healthier decisions. We want to try to eat better, sleep better, live healthier lives.


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[Assistant] Especially with summer coming up, beach season is around the corner. We don't always know how our body is feeling, how long to work out for or how much sleep we need. Whoop is a fitness track device that helps solve those decisions.


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[Assistant] With its built in coaching features, it is actually tremendous. You turn those on.


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[Assistant] And it'll tell you, hey, you're recovered, you need to get some strain on your body today. Or it'll tell you, you really need to catch up on sleep, you're falling behind, you should go to bed by this time and sleep this much. Fascinating stuff that you otherwise probably would not have this type of insight if you didn't wear a whoop. It tells you so much, you can get all this great insight for less than $30 a month.


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[Assistant] I think it's an absolutely incredible deal. For our listeners, if you've been thinking about giving whoop a shot, there's no better time than today. You can save 15% off a whoop with the code yourmom.


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[Assistant] Go to whoop, w-h-o-o-p dot com and use the code yourmom, y-o-u-r-m-o-m at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. Know yourself with personalized recovery, strain, and sleep insights from Whoop.


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[Assistant] Yeah, 100%, 100% I would be like, yeah dude. We would start talking about chicks and then like after an hour I'd be like, your shoulders are really nice man. I'd be like, what? I'd be like, nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretend. I'd be like, come on man. He's fucking gay. And then like, I don't know, 20 minutes later I'd be like, should I get on my knees or how do you want to do it? Look at that guy, he's fucking super handsome.


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[Assistant] Shakespeare like, do you remember when I was in Miami? He'd be like, Miami? I don't think I've even been to Miami.


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[Assistant] Like that guy, I don't know if he just has access to a serum that nobody else does, but you're not supposed to look like that.


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[Assistant] And she just broke up and she posted this TikTok of her like dancing in a bikini and you're like, you're in your fifties?


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, no, no, this is not just like, well, I kind of go for a walk every morning.


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[Assistant] It's, uh, which one, which one? Oh yeah, the right there, the one below that one. She just posted it. This one was just like, Hey everybody.


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[Assistant] Let me just tell you what would happen at my high school. If I were 17 right now.


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[Assistant] Many, many problems would occur on that campus. I mean, yes, I would be banging. Well, all of a sudden they'd be like, we have a pregnancy epidemic at this school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these girls are pregnant. And I'd be like, hmm, what happened?


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[Assistant] Dude, that's why, that's why it's so fucked up. Like when you see that crazy age gap, particularly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, when the girls are like, like a college age girl and a man in his, like, you have such, so much like more power and manipulation skills. Putting, putting a 40 year old mind in a 17 year old boy is so dangerous. I mean, it's so dangerous.


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[Assistant] Give the most uninspiring story that I could possibly imagine.


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[Assistant] I would have focused on basketball more. I would have, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's like, I mean, football, I love football, but I would have been like, oh, this is fucking so crazy. Like, not that I didn't enjoy playing, I'm saying I would have been like, do something that's longer lasting, you know, and like less.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I would have probably been like, hey, maybe watch your diet.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then, yeah, it would have been a massacre, a pussy massacre. That's what it would say on the walls at school. They'd be like, remember the 1997 pussy massacre that happened here? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I would have stopped being so nice to chicks. Oh my god. You know, I would have kind of like treated them like shit more. They love it.


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[Assistant] I would not trust the girls who are like, it's okay to come inside me.


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[Assistant] Well, I would have been like, hey, you know, what's our protection here, instead of going through weeks of anxiety?


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[Assistant] You're a junior in high school, you wanna have a second? I'm like, I'm trying to bust nuts, dad.


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[Assistant] I actually think that if I, if I, if I, if I can get my dad just one on one, he'd be like, I understand. All right, let's go. Like it wouldn't take that much to convince him. My mom would be like, what? But my dad would, he would sign off on it.


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[Assistant] Eating clean and exercising. I did it once. I did it at 20 the first time. And that was good. And I was like, I'll give up on 20, on 25. But yeah, that's what I would have done.


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[Assistant] Going deep in the pa- I would have tried to learn French. I got a fucking D in French.


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[Assistant] Yeah, cause I didn't try at all.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no self-discipline ability. That's why I look back, and I think the thing that impresses me, like the most, honestly, are these kids in high school that are disciplined and focused. Cause there was a few where, like I look back and I'm like, that kid's incredible.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they just were like driven and motivated and...


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[Assistant] Well, it's a, it's a, there's usually one or the other kind of thing. There are self-driven people that are just motivated, you know, you see. They just get it. Yeah. And then there's the parents beating them into it, but. I'm going to beat our children into that. Good, good. And that usually pays off.


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[Assistant] You really can't, I mean, you can try, but you can't really, people are who they are. You know, you can, you can nurture things and then it can, you know, like, I don't think that there's always that, um, that cliche dad, like the, the sports dad. Yeah.


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[Assistant] What I've seen, like what I've experienced is that, you know, giving them out, like saying like, I'll send you to this camp or I'll hire this coach for you.


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[Assistant] That, that's like the extent of when I see positive.


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[Assistant] Cause there's people, all these people that drop out when you start out and you're like, well I got this and that to do and you're like, oh, you just don't want it as much. And then there's people like us who go like, I'll suffer.


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[Assistant] No money, I'll live in shitty places. Yeah, people will go on vacations and buy homes and I'll just stay in a shitty place because, but it's because you go, I don't care. That's how much I like doing it, you know?


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[Assistant] We discussed this but we didn't give the answers. Would you rather?


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[Assistant] You can watch it over the course of a week. You have one week to watch the season. Or, you have to watch every set from your first year of standing.


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[Assistant] It's so hard. I got sent a clip from myself doing stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just going, I was hosting in the belly room. No. Brian Irwin sent it to me. Cause he was on stage and then I was hosting and I came back to the mic when he was done. And he showed me the clip and I was like, just watching five frames. I was like, it's so cringy. It's so hard to watch. It's so hard to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's take a pee break. We peed, felt good, I love peeing.


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[Assistant] So, this is the clip. Okay, so this is the belly room. I am probably one year into stand-up. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so right now when the clip starts, you'll see Brian Irwin, who's a friend of mine, comedian, great guy, very funny guy. He is finishing his set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you don't know the, uh, no, it's not the first place I did stand up, but, uhm, if you don't know the layout of the Comedy Store, there's three rooms, the original room, the O.R., the main room, and the belly room. The belly room is the smallest room, it's upstairs, at full capacity, it's like 88.


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[Assistant] Something like that, you know? Under a hundred. It's a great room. I love those small intimate rooms. It's the most like...


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[Assistant] Small rooms keep you honest, you know? So, it's one of the, it's definitely the first room I played at the store. And, uh, yeaah, so here's, the audio's not very good, so you might want to turn, just like, don't go full volume, because it's kind of distorted audio. But you can, uhm...


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[Assistant] I just keep, you know, when I see myself like that, I'm like, God, how little control of my emotional eating did I have.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I know. I wasn't the fucking booze guy. I was the fucking food guy. I'm like Orson Welles. So this came in. Do you remember the, uhm, you saw the week that Rob Eiler sat in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's easy. You know, the best podcasts, doesn't matter which podcasts you're talking about, are ones where it's effortless. Like you don't have to try to like make it work with someone. That's what it feels like to podcast with Rob, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's very, it's very natural. It's very easy to keep going. By the way, can I make a push for Tom Talks real quick? If you have not watched it or listened to it, I'm having the absolute best time just having