[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you can and you're never going to stop. I'm saying you can hold a couple in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just had to yawn, Jesus. I just had to yawn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's your way of saying, maybe it's your way of saying, I wish you would give me a hug. Because you don't, here's a fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes out to her dog bed in the living room where she'll just chill on one of those couch pillows and she's like, I'm fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think a hawk's gonna sw- fly into our patio and take our dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I don't know if I told you this, but you know how uh, Chad is the smart champ? Yes. He beat Chris twice. Yes. Do you know who said they could take him? Who? Danny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Danny was pre-med, he's a bio major. Wow!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. He's always slanging this shit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's cause he heard the, he heard the questions and he was like, Oh, I could get these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he has, he has good general knowledge too. You know, that's kind of what was covered by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, what's going on guys? Hey, so we were just saying that you're up for a challenge with, uh, with, uh, Chad, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's absolutely okay. Did you find that those, did you get all those right that were asked before when you were listening in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you consider going still? Like in med school? Yeah. Like was that still of interest? Is that one of those things you're like, you know what? Maybe I will do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I don't know who's smart now, but uhm. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long ago, how long into college did you realize it wasn't for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, I didn't realize that there's like that kind of like, you know, flavor in this environment. Like I just didn't realize it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause all we see is everybody being like nice to each other and getting along.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we didn't, we don't really realize that there's trash talking behind, you know, closed door. We're not here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we're gonna watch that fucking jukebox camera. You bet. Day and night. It's gonna be on my phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People don't always realize that physical symptoms like headaches, teeth grinding, even digestive issues can be indicators of stress. Let's not forget about doom scrolling, sleeping too much, sleeping too little, overeating, undereating. Look, we all deal with stress. I deal with tons of stress. I got a crazy tour that I'm trying to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Give it a try and see if online therapy can help lower your stress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is offering to have sex with former President Trump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He thinks he can do it better than Alanya. And, and all you have to do is get this guy Trump's phone number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if Trump will be open to it. I know he's traditionally liked women, but I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might be Native American because he has the same teeth as that guy. From the last episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Bubbles? Oh, he's arrested for domestic battery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really cool. Didn't know that. Wonder who he assaulted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy, his name is Mike Smith with a woman. Yeah. Hmm. It was, oh, Hollywood police. It was in LA. 1 15 AM fighting in a bathroom next to the pool at the Roosevelt hotel. That's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 20 grand bail, yeaah. She's probably goofing around. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of stuff going on up north, jeez. I know. I didn't realize this. Oh, that's old as fuck. Oh, it's 2016.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really look so different without like the facial expression. Yeah. That's gotta be exhausting on like a 16 hour day. Just thinking that. They're probably like, Hey man, Hey Mike, got to kind of do the bubbles face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's over. It's over. It's over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there was only one in there. I swear, she's really sweet. She's very sweet. Yeah. He does this to her all the time. This time though, what you missed is that he didn't say anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wonder if he farts and shits and burps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I know, I know, you've been doing it for over a decade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me his number. I want to talk to him. So what would, he would just go, he would just voice his displeasure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta go find that pig. What city is he in again? Was it Calgary? Is that where he is? I'm going to have to make a stop there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to. I gotta go try to find Norm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, see how he's doing. If you don't mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you want to swing hilarious. I don't think you're aware of this. So somebody, uh, went on Tinder and decided to you to like to flirt, like open his game that he would use. Good morning. Julia Joe's words, you know, you precious. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he, he matched with her, he goes, good morning Julie, it's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi, wish you a great day, tell you that meeting yesterday. You were so beautiful. She writes back, haha, I am confused, your name is Eric or Joe? Good morning, it's night I think now, I don't think I met you. You don't know how beautiful you are to me, you're precious, you're gorgeous. He writes to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She writes, uhm, maybe if you met in person, you would not think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Been sitting in my mind when you said you want to go back with your boyfriend. Please erase them from your mind. They'll never go back to your past, I know, cause I've been there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She writes, haha, I'm a little bit confused. I will play along. I would not go back to him because I broke up with him because I was fantasizing about someone else. I understand when you're trying to find somebody and you go on dates and nothing compares to your ex. This is all exactly what Joe says in the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seems like maybe you're still into your ex. I will love you like you've never been loved before. I will cherish you. I'll make you feel like a woman, a real woman. And believe me, if you experienced me, you won't even know who your ex boyfriend is. Open up your heart to me and your arms. Let's go full throttle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can see myself falling in love with you. I don't know. I just look into your eyes. She goes, that's good. I never met you before. No, anyhow, I'm head off to work. Do you work night shifts at self-employed? Uhm, this is my cute little home. Everything you see behind me, I built everything, every square. He keeps going. Exactly what Joe says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, where, uh, when are you free for coffee or dinner? I'm leaving for a week tomorrow, so I guess after that you live kind of far. Guess I don't know how long I'm gonna drive, 18 miles, maybe it's not that far. I don't know, I'm sleepy. Mwah, ciao baby. So he used Joe's entire thing and got a date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and just anything more than a high, even if you're just like rehearsing something you saw in a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want someone to do that one next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I want to point this out. Joe's not a bad looking guy by any means, you know? I think he looks like a very pleasant gentleman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if Joe's speech is from a really handsome guy? Like a really handsome guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The desperation. That's the problem. It reads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Like if the guy was like, good morning, just want to let you know that meeting you yesterday, ah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and everything you see here, I built, I can build anything, like a little more pleasant and not like, you know, not reading, so like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then someone's like, oh, this was like sweet. This guy sent me a message, right? Or like, if it's just like a really handsome dude, then maybe she's like, oh, this is the best message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's been sitting in my mind what you said about your ex boyfriend. Please erase him from your memory. I don't, don't ever go back in the past. You know, let's live right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I know, I've been there and I know when you're trying to find somebody and then you find someone like you, I just want to squeeze you until your head fucking pops off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All poor Julia actually did was just, she didn't even give him attention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Bundy style. That's not attractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I finally caught one of those the other day. It is more revolting than you think. She was like, I was like, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, ah, I have to get up and get a tissue. I'm like, that's what everybody does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, quite a threat. He had like those very scary teeth. Yeah. I feel like this man could be trained to be a good actor. I think so. He's not yet, but I think he could be. He has like the blueprint for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He just needed to memorize his lines first. I think that would have helped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's a lot. I don't just mean, I mean, you know, the crazy is also, she's crazier than fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I think she could use, I think she could use a little bit of tender loving care. And I think I know someone who would do a good job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean yea, it's also like alarming that he seems like he's really trying and he can't get out of there. I want to know what that weighs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, shirtless, sunglasses, not being able to do the lipstick correctly, holding a wad of cash, tongue wag. I mean, he's got all the fucking markers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that the maybe it's standard letters that this is a, this could be an issue with, but if you put it into like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like a bigger, you know what I mean? It's just saying that like that can happen because that makes sense if that machine is like, you know, letters are supposed to be. Through letters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, just pay attention when you're sending your illegal stuff in the mail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I love that he thought that he's going to get the same. He did it because he was like, I want those types of answers. Yeah. Like I want people to be like, Oh, you can't say no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably a few people that go to those and they're like, fucking killed it, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is that? Is that supposed to be a cat? Is that what that is? Is that cat makeup?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. I might. If I watch this video again, I might. Yeaah. That's fucking rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, this one did it for you? This is what gets you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a don't call me daddy style. Uh huh. Uhm, let's see internet personality. Oh, he's an infamous being a fart fetishist. I didn't realize that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Compilation of more clips of him telling people not to call him a chomo. Yeah, he has been accused of actually being a chomo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And thank you guys. Have a great week. We'll see you soon. Bye bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched a full episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you know that? Cause I've seen, I've watched some videos. You've done a deep dive on him? I mean, I've watched, he's very, puts out very cool. Can you pull up his page? Cause like that's a, you know, he does, he has a lot of videos, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope, nope, switch. What, the godfather? Nope. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has an interesting, uhm, physique.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go to the same plastic. They will start buttering the bread like that. Practical, certainly. But in terms of etiquette, incorrect. Place it onto your plate. That's, this is where the saying comes from. Breaking bread. You break the bread into small pieces. Mouth, mouth size. Butter it. Perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, it is that season where you have to think about what gifts to buy people and it can be a really tricky, tricky time because you never know what to buy. And you don't want to give lame things to people you love. But luckily I'm a huge fan of Stance, S-T-A-N-C-E, that's the name of the brand. They make these bomb ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Socks. And I know it sounds silly, like what are you talking about? Socks are just socks. No they're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am such a fan of these stance socks. I love the designs. I love how soft they are. They're cotton. They're soft. They're just a fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gift, uhm, and here's some collaborations they've done. They've done Harry Potter, Batman, The Goonies, Star Wars, The Office, the Wu-Tang Clan, Jill Perkins, Disney, Barbie, Marvel, Bob Marley, Major League Baseball, NBA, Pixar. Which is great for anybody in your life that's a fan of those things. Uhm, this is really just the perfect gift.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stance has the perfect gift for every punk and poet on your list. Go see for yourself. It's easy. Just head on over to Stance.com and pick out some styles you think they might like. Enjoy the color and comfort of a life less ordinary with Stance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gaping dad. Yeah. Who can forget? And, and very iconic vocal fries in there. Yeah. Your boy, Steven. Seagull. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I was doing the other day? Uhm, I was going down a Kylie Jenner rabbit hole


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I just googled her old face and her old appearance and her new face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think Kylie really went through the most transformation. She's very young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause her face was, she was just a regular girl. Yeah. And now she's Kardashianfied.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really amazing. Look at her before and after. It's very drastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, she's just like a regular girl. Oh, I know what it was on Instagram. It was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goodness gracious. I mean, shit, I see someone just like a drunk person fall down during my show and I'm like, is this person okay? Oh, I've stopped shows. Yeah, so have I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's terrible. Yeah. That's some scary stuff, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I actually, cause I just had a flashback to being a teenager and seeing Skinny Puppy. And like, I stupidly got into the mosh pit of a Skinny Puppy show as a teen. I was a very aggressive punker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was so terrifying to be in the mosh pit as a girl. It was, it was tiny. I shouldn't have been in there. And someone, a friend of mine pulled me out and it was really scary. And then I started to think that I would never go to a festival now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I used to enjoy the excitement of possibly getting murdered or killed or trampled at a show and now I'm like, I don't know, I gotta raise these children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, I relayed 100%, cause when you and I would go to Laker games in LA,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My anxiety tells me to leave, but then, but here's what you can do too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh my god, I would go to see like 9-inch nails, I took a train.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like this video for a lot of reasons. I like diarrhea updates, you know me. There's a kid next to him and he's still like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Me ponzon is fatso, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is. Remember the airport code discussion?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's got to be a three letter code. It has to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something that I had a Pajitski effect about? Did you know that, okay, I love stuffing. That's my favorite Thanksgiving item. I love stuffing. And I like the crappy kind out of the box. The Stouffer's shit. You can eat stuffing any time of the year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what are we gonna do for this TG? Do you wanna do tradish? I hate turkey. It is a dry pussy meat. It's gross. It's not good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pressure's going to be on for us to have a traditional TG.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a nice memory to make for your kids and for your family. What a great way to break the cycle of generational trauma. Fuck you!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you, fuck your turkey. Remember when I made Thanksgiving dinner?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember when I made Thanksgiving dinner in Silver Lake? And then, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, do you want to eat dinner? Like, there's leftovers. Nah, I don't like Thanksgiving dinner. I'm like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think my father always hated the holidays and he felt it was imposed upon him. Uhm, so I get it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Squarespace. I love Squarespace. I've used Squarespace many, many times to build websites in the past.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was what was known as an early adapter. I loved Squarespace. I love the idea that somebody with no experience in coding or, or really I didn't have any experience in building websites that I could do it myself. It was very liberating. I like their designs. They're very clean, very intuitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, they have designs for anything that you can think of, whether it's a physical, like a physical shop. Maybe you have a bakery or you sell flowers. Maybe you just want to create a website to share photographs with your family. Do it all. There's 24-7 award-winning customer support. Again, those templates are so clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you can buy your domain there, you customize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The look and the feel, everything's optimized for mobile. It is a win-win. Head to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial and when you're ready to launch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so simple. They send you the toothpaste. They send you the brush. They send you everything. So there's no excuse. By the way, did you know you're supposed to change your toothbrush?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, at least every month I do, especially after an illness. You better do it after a cold or something. The Quip electric toothbrush is loved by over seven million mouths and has timed sonic vibrations with 30 second pulses to guide a dentist recommended two minute clean. It's got a lightweight, sleek design.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it, you can track and improve your brushing with a free quip app. You can get the toothpaste sent to you. They have mint or watermelon. I'm a huge fan of the mint and they have floss string that expands to clean, uh, reusable floss pick and yeah, everything. Here's what you're going to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you go to getquip.com slash mom right now, you'll get your first refill free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's your first refill free at getquip.com slash mom spelled g-e-t-q-u-i-p dot com slash mom quip the good habits company. Yeah, I'm trying to think of other thanksgivings. My mother would refuse to cook, um, American Thanksgiving. So she would make like Hungarian sausages, Polish sausages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, why can't you just be normal? Like, just make, make the stuff. Make the stuffing, dude, it's a box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once you learn how to do the dinner one time, you do it again. You can buy all that shit instant at the grocery store. Instant gravy, instant box shit. Instant mashies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember last year I had, uh, we all had COVID, uhm, on Christmas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I made fucking Christmas dinner, sick with COVID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I did though. I made Christmas dinner and I said, fuck you, COVID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the day. That was a bad day. I got a bad bite that day, kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go, don't worry. Don't worry. I just, um, I'm in an ambulance. I'm going to the emergency room. I just had an accident. I just broke my arm and my leg. And I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, what? It was a horrible 24 hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Merry Christmas. Hey, but you know something? Here's my vow to you, Peggy Sue. This Thanksgiving, this Christmas, we're gonna be fucking stellar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not going to play any sports, no dunking. Um, it's going to be fucking awesome and joy and we're not going to let anything ruin it. Yeah. Like last year was, we had COVID on Christmas Eve last year. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I still made dinner, and we fucking opened gifts and we were good parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That kid, man. So we got a stuffed iguana from, uh, somewhere we were visiting, like a toy iguana puppet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, and I go, what are we going to name the iguana? And he goes, what about trap remix?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, that's the fucking illest name I have ever heard in my life, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, it was completely not the time for-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a funny name yet, but he's also a very serious looking guy, his demeanor, he's like mid-sized sedan, like you would not choose that rap name. Now Pixel, if he was like, I'm Pixel, I'd be like, that's kind of tight, or I'm Trap Remix. That's your fucking name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did. But that's the thing too, is I also feel as though, as a comedian, I am exempt from a lot of societal rules. Look at me right now, I'm wearing a Mr. T-shirt, I have, uh, Hila Klein's hat on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I liked his accent more than anything else. I did but I was too taken by his accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having an accident that you're responsible for, like you're doing the basketball challenge or me falling down the stairs because I'm fucking tired. Or having someone else fuck you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I beat myself up the minute after it happened and I was there and I was like, babe, help me up. My, I've slipped on my ankle and you're like, Oh no, that's broken. And I looked down and I saw it dislocated. I could have fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I would be that someone just did that to me and I'm just standing there doing nothing and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'd be so pissed. It would eat me alive, the revenge. Like I would want to fucking run over that dumb person's foot so hard. You should be allowed to, don't you think? If somebody fucks you up like this, you should be allowed to take your car and do the same thing to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not how the English law system works. Yes it is. I studied the law there. What happens is because their laws were made during the medieval period and so they still allow you to get revenge. So that's what you do. An eye for an eye. Revenge might.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Way off. That's not Hanna-Barbera code. That's just in the Bible, the B-I-B-L-E. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just Google an eye for an eye. Why would you Google Hum Hanna Barbera's code? God damn it. Okay. Oh, look at that. Oh, it is! Well, you were right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so pleased with himself that he got it right for once. That was the first time he's ever done that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I would be obsessed with getting revenge. You know what really would bum me out? Is if like a drug driver fucked with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would be so mad. You should be allowed to exact your revenge on a drunk driver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should. Well, there's no reason to drive drunk anymore with like Uber and Lyft and, and those cool, um, motorized scoot scoots that people use downtown. Yeah, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I hate it. I feel so, it's so, he's so awful to deal with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Suspect that because she doesn't weigh under, what is it, 120 pounds?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, didn't he like, no, scurvy bitches, blondes, 120 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, characterized by severe tooth decay and gum disease which often causes teeth to break or fall out. Okay, well why? The teeth of people addicted to methamphetamine are characterized by being black, stained, rotting, crumbling, and falling apart. The teeth cannot be salvaged, but why? It doesn't say why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what you mean to tell me that when they're super tweaked and geeked out, they're not like, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but Bisky was my all time favorite. And actually a year ago is when this lady called our dog Bisky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Bisky stuck. And even the three year old goes Bisky, like we've trained. But now the dog responds to Bisky, Bitsy, Captain Marcel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even, I never even heard of such a stupid thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he, but he's, he's a native English speaker. Do you think his hearing is bad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, Joe Pesky was fucked up because everybody says Joe Pesci, Joe Pesci, Joe Pesci.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to the pharmacy to get my subscription filled and the fucking pharmacist, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pharmacist walks up to the, you know, there's that stupid plastic, whatever, plexiglass shit, and I notice she's got a mask on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But her mouth, there's a hole cut in the, there's a fucking hole cut out. Like it's a cloth mask and there's a hole where her mouth is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, doesn't, like are you protesting the mask? What are you doing? Like then just don't wear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had to have known, right? She's a medical person and you don't know? That was the fucking most bizarro thing I've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think it's like the employer telling her that she has to wear a mask and she's like, I will, but fuck you, I'm gonna do it my way. You know, like, that was so fucking weird. I've never seen that before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like that, uhm, I don't know, I kind of like them on planes, cause you're like, that's where you get sick all the time, is inhaling people's disgusting cold. All the time. Juices. So I'm not so opposed, but it's so gross, after hours of sitting on a plane, like, your mouth already tastes like dog shit. I know. And then you get off and you've just been breathing in your own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fucking thing smacks that milkshake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We use this thing sleeping, shitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, look at the paw. The paw is bigger than that guy's leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, good for her. Yeah. And she's old, she's been around a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that vaginas are like dad mouths where when they get older,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, dad mouths just stink over time. You're rotting in there. And it's only men I've noticed that their mouths get real stinky. How come women? I've not smelled a dad, a mom mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You shave your eyes out of your head. Yea, that's it. But the beard doesn't grow past your eyeballs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do. Like I'd like to think that you would date a lot, but I don't think so. I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't seem like the type to put out energy at getting girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, do you remember when we were courting, we were dating, and I was like, hey, Tom, are you gonna go to this party? I'm gonna be there. And that was kind of like a, hey, I like you, you know, shithead, come to this party. And then you didn't show up to the party. And I was like, hey, why weren't you there? And you're like, oh, I fell asleep on my couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I sense that about you, which is why I kept encouraging you to, you know, come on, let's go out. Let's have some fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I think a girl would really have to make it abundantly clear, like, hey, I like you, and then you'd be like, yeah, but you're also very selective. I don't see you just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Particular, I'm serious. Like you're, especially with women, I think you, you and I work because there's a particular, a particular alchemy at hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think because uhm, you're a very bright guy, and you need somebody who's a little mentally challenging. Not mentally challenged, which is what I am too, but somebody who's a little,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like Leonardo DiCaprio requires minimal connection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The beginning, and then it tapers off. Unless you're us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I'm not 20 anymore. It's okay though. I'm fine. I've had two kids. Fuck shit up down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for sure. You just gotta fight the fight. You gotta stay in the fight. You can't just throw in the towel and be like, fuck it. You have to try to look decent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so true. It's so true. Now that I buy like nicer things, it's just they fit better, they last longer, and they make your body look better. Cause when you're 20, you can just put on a fucking, you know, pillowcase and you look hot. But not at a middle age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They really do. Fitted suits. Suits that fit you properly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make your jeans spit like the jeans they are. Did I tell you this story? I don't think I told you this. I was trick-or-treating with the boys on hollow jeans. And I was Cruella DeVille. And uh, we go up to the neighbors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, trick or treat, yard, whatever the fuck. And, uh, the guy goes, oh, I like your costume. And I go, oh, thanks. I just got it on Amazon. And he goes, no Amazon. No Amazon. And I was like, okay. Um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Target? I got it at Target, is that okay? And he was like, yea, Target's fine. No Amazon, they're evil. And I was like, alright dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and like the disorganized chaos of like, oh yeah, somebody will just come for you whenever they're ready. It's like, just give me a line. Can, is there a line?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, yeaah. When will someone come over? Whenever. It's like, no, no, no, don't. I have anxiety. Don't do that. Just stand here and wait for somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Like there should just be a line, like a service line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what too, I'll tell you what I do with my phone, I put this ugly otter box on there, it's like a super mom thing, so if I drop it, or in water,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I buy on Amazon my, sorry, Target, on my own thing, I buy the cover, the glass cover, and I put it on myself just so that I don't break this and have to go to the Apple store. This is the lengths I take to not go to the Apple store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easy peasy. Lemon squeezy. You know what else I don't like? Self checkout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, the transaction never goes smoothly because I always trip up the thing that's like, you need to ask the attendant for help. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or it'll be like, put the item in the baggage area. I'm like, it's fucking there. Why does it not sense that I'm not stealing? I always feel like I'm being watched for being dishonest or something and I'm like, but I'm-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do? Yeah. And how does that go for you? They're like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. When I worked in retail, I worked in a few retail stores. You know what a pain in the every item you have to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take off the magnet. Sometimes they have the ink ones that'll explode if you try to take them off yourself and it'll ruin the garment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time when I worked on Melrose, I worked at a retail store, there was a guy that would come, park his car, cause we were right on the corner, and then he would jerk off. Every. Single. Day. And look at us. In the cashier area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would- we'd call the police every day, same time, the guy would come and jerk off. But it was LA, I mean no one gives a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and it was Melrose and Rad- Redford? It was like right where the aardvarks was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, but he is one of the greats. Watch his work and now he's what in his sixties?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he's close, he's probably close. Yeaah. I mean listen, Rocco Soffredi is a fantastic porn star. He's one of the greats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But isn't that why, I mean, but look, but, but listen, there's a parallel to stand up comedy too. Everybody can be funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody is capable of being funny in the comfort of their own home office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two hours a night in every city and you and your wife just got into a fight and your dog is gonna die in a week because he has cancer and you fucking go out there and you still do it. That's the difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I think people don't realize that to be a professional


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the fucking, I always think about when the girls have their periods too, you know, you're bloated, maybe you don't feel like being naked and you still gotta show up, you have cramps and you just put something, you know, you plug up the, oh you bae. I would cancel, like I can't work today. You're naked on your period getting fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the worst. I mean, I can barely tell jokes in tight slacks that night, and this poor butt bitch has to get railed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Gosh, cause I've even, you know, you just, I can't, I have a hard time being just in a room with somebody who I really, really don't like. I can't fake it. You know me, you're always like, could you just pretend to not hate that person?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No workout is one size fits all. FitBod creates a fitness program that continually adapts to you. So you stay challenged with new exercises, pacing and intensity based on where you are and where you want to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so fantastic. You can customize, um, your, you can change your goals, you know, cause your body changes as you go along and FitBod is just fantastic for that. The app has clear, easy to follow instructions and I like how it balances muscle groups so you know, you know, so you know you're fully recovered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the next workout, Fitbod creates a program based on your unique body experience and environment. Their algorithm uses data and analytics to help you build on your last workout to maximize your results. It integrates with other fitness and health apps like Apple health Fitbit and Strava.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pick up the pace on your fitness journey with FitBod today and your future self will thank you. Get 25% off your membership at fitbod.me slash mom. That's 25% off at fitbod.me slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Pretty cool, right? Yeah, that was really impressive. Thank you for showing that to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're just talking into the void into their own mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just think it's pretty funny though, like women don't have feelings. They just want to shop, and you're like, that's not... That's your experience. Yeaah. That's who he's dating. Yeaah, you're dating shitty ladies. Yeaah. She don't love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, you, you're over, okay, the whole, the point is to, okay, you're, you're remaining equanimous, equananimous, equanimous through suffering. That's life. You want to keep your equilibrium when life is rough. It doesn't get any rougher than.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One cool guy started it and now the other cool guys get on board. They all like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Here's the deal though, that sauce looks so good, it can make anything taste good. That should probably taste really good with that sauce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like worms, grubs, larvae.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For one. Yeah. Hey, but you have to eat five of them. Why? And I'll give you 5,000 apiece. 25 grand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he said drop your T's, I don't know what you're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so this is the beginning of the weekend and the, the talks get so horny by Thursday it starts and then by Sunday night we are in a horny frenzy on the talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when all the cool guys come out and do the licking the air stuff. There we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, cause they've had time off work, they've gotten drunk on Friday night, Saturday they're laying around alone, waiting to get drunk on Saturday night. Yeah, it's like, it's just me and this dick, you know? And then by Sunday, it's just a frenzy. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But pacifically, what do you notice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I don't really listen to the king's whole thing, cause it's the same stuff over and over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, he'll make talks specifically for me, and I'll just be like, no, I don't want to hear this anymore. But this one piqued my interest because it's fully black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let me tell you, he does look better from when he started because he's been working out consistently and he's been dieting and he posts all of his workouts and I'm real proud of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm thankful for you, and for Studio Jeans, and for the Booth Boys, and for this beautiful Guantanamo Bay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. And don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day. Tell you that meeting you yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. You were so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful you are to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. This is the type of guy you're getting. I'm a very handy guy, and uh, I'd love to build you whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's been sitting in my mind when you said to me you want to go back with your ex boyfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I understand when you know, you're trying to find somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you go on dates? Ugh, stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This person's eyelid, not eyebrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I've started admiring men so much more than women as we've gotten older.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by MacGruber. Spread the word, you friggin' turds. MacGruber is back. After rotting in prison for more than a decade, America's ultimate hero and uber patriot is released to take on one final mission. MacGruber's old nemesis, Brigadier Commander Enos Queath, is intent


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the help of his old team, Vicky St. Elmo and Dixon Piper, McGrubber sets out to save the day, one throat rip at a time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Classic McGroober. Absolutely one of the funniest sketches that became such a hilarious movie and now it's a show again for us. Such amazing people based on the iconic


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Binge the entire first season of MacGruber now only on Peacock. Go to PeacockTV.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. If you have not invested in your sleep, you need to do so by getting our favorite mattress. We have been sleeping on Satvas for a decade. We have tried them all and we have never been disappointed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or if you want the solar that vibrates and moves up and down and has a zero gravity setting, they're all fantastic and you deserve to sleep on an amazing mattress and save yourself


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lots of money. Saatva can deliver just that. Go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit and you get two hundred dollars


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are in this studio that we have been working on since 2016. And I think if you know what we've been through, I don't think it is unfair to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was a stupid idea. We could have stayed in our apartment. Like, why did we do this? You feel that way? I mean, fucking... dollars have gone into this. What's different?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything was normal, and then he came here. Now everything is not normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm, I'm super excited, uh, we have been working at this, a whole team of people have, per a minute, so uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this, I think this studio was supposed to be done initially in the summer. It was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, August, and I was like, come on, maybe July. No. I was like, okay, and it is December right now. As we record this. You've probably seen this in January, right? January.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an even more important thing to say. And it's why you're still employed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know why they were sent USPS? Why? Because our child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at like, the fuckin' portraits. Amazing. These are amazing. Amazing. We'll give you guys a tour eventually. Yea, I mean, you got, we got like the fuckin' coolest guys ever. The coolest guys ever. Uh, done in like, Regal. You know, they look like they were the, the president of Spain, or the president, the king. Look at those. King of England. These are amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a serious show that I think we give, uh, the young Turks a run for their money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think you're right. I think that happens. I think, I think even the woman almost wants to be called handsome. You know what I mean? No, at an old age, she's just like, I'm not trying to be hot. Just call me handsome. Like Bea Arthur was a handsome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While handsome is often more used for men, women can also be called handsome. The only way to describe it is that it suggests she's very good looking and also healthy and strong. Handsome is less likely to be used for a woman who is petite or delicate. That's true. So it is for like a bulkier woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a full-figured woman. Cool, cool, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are amongst the most handsome woman I've ever been around. That's how I'm gonna start describing you to people who haven't met you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be like, I'm actually gonna use that word and I'll be like, oh, okay. Well, I guess we'd use different words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I did the, uh, Asia tour that, um, I Need You To Kill. Yes. The documentary that, uh, that, uh, J. Elvis Weinstein directed, uh, directed, where I went to Hong Kong, Singapore, and Macau.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was there with uh, Chad Daniels and uhm, god, Pete Lee, right? So yeah, there's the three of us. So this whole time on this trip, uh, that was 2014, I think I'm fucking 250 pounds there or something. But anyway, the whole trip, I would tell people,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Asia, that Chad Daniels was 55, 56.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was a joke, right? But what ended up happening is that some people would go like, they're like, man, you look fucking amazing. Yeah, it works in your favor. And he was like, thanks. And then they would go, you're 56. And he was like, no, because he was like 41 at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, but we ended up, I did it everywhere. Everywhere we went, I was like, do you know who Richard Gere is? And they were like, yeaah. I'm like, that's him. Like I would point to him. And they were like, that's Richard Gere? But when you tell people you're older, and you're starting to get older, it has an amazing effect. It works really well. Yeaah, stop trying to tell people you're younger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm 42 right now. And it's like, if I were like, if you saw me introducing or talking to people and I'm like, oh yeah, you know, I'm 40. Oh, why are you telling people you're 40? Yeah, you're 42. Just say it, right? I know people who are doing that, like knocking a year or two off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All you should do is your best. That's all you can do. And the other thing is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've learned this in this world. First of all, I've started admiring men so much more than women as I've gotten older. I've noticed this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's what I, cause I think I've always been like, man, look at like, look how awesome that guy's body is. I realize I won't have it. What I'm saying is, you go, you get what you get. So like, I'm just never gonna have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if I could do something like, you're never gonna, you're never gonna end up like that. Um, but, but I'm saying you like, that's what that guy got. Yeah, that's his gift. He's probably poor. Probably and stupid. Yeah. And then I'm like, I'm not poor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, what would you say now though if you were like, still like that, but also not hot? You'd be like, what would you rather have? That guy's hot body, or, there's no brownies when you go home tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think a lot of people are. Like, I even tell people, like, no, you should, like, if you're, um, if you're, like, in your early twenties, and you've had a doubt about, like, doing photos of yourself, do it. Take the pictures of yourself. Yeah, do them naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take like a pro, get in a bikini or lingerie or, you know what I mean, like pose and like save those. Save them. And you jack off to them when you're older.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, you know what you do, you just really admire it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, uh, he had such an extreme facelift that he would sleep with his eyes open. So he's like, eyes open. It's so good. That movie is really good. So funny. That's Michael Douglas in it. He is phenomenal. See, that's like, we were shitting on, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The acting, the acting specifically and what absolute dog shit performances were delivered. And that's a movie that the Matt Damon and Michael Douglas were just fucking amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just, I just felt like God's natural pull. It wasn't like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't like, oh my god, here's an, like, it wasn't like I ate something. It was like a regular, like, you should go now. Oh, it's calm. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm pretty, I'm look, I'm pretty smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I've had eggs for the last like 20 years, something bad happens afterwards. So today, today, after 20 years of eating eggs every day, I was like, I'm gonna skip eggs. I have eggs right here, by the way, next to me, but I think I might be onto something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember thinking like, I wonder if I could fuck some stupid bitch tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although I think that guy recording is probably kind of a real Larry, you know? Larry?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's kind of a dick, right? Yea, what does he say to him initially? I don't know. And then he's like, he's like, what did you say? Because he must have said something and then he's recording like, I mean, you're an asshole. He's an asshole. Walking around with your fucking camera out of anywhere. I hate that. Recording every interaction. I hate that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you don't have like, unless I forgot a whole conversation we had, I don't think you have hardcore photographs, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, uh, it's a pretty cool idea. You like it? Sure, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's a reason though, you know. I know what the reason is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, I rewrote, the whole point of that was actually because I can't believe I used that headshot with that chest hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I didn't want to like, I didn't want to say, I thought it was too on the nose to say it, you know, and then everybody's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking about the head, I'm like no, it's the chest hair. The joke is the chest hair. I actually sent that out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just ca- now when I look at it, cause I laugh, I'm like, I just imagine casting directors getting this and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was his whole thing is how little money he spent. He was always telling guys like stop spending money on women. That's him. That's the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy. That guy. That guy's like, I spent $10 on the date. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, so look at that far left. That's him. Looks like he lost like a hundred pounds. Good. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a great shtick. He just figured out, cause then the thing is, once you know that character, it's like a great sketch character. Right? Once you know the character, you know how to answer any question as the character. Yeah, that's so true. So when the caller would be like, hey, I'm dating this girl and I don't know, she said she was gonna be there last night. He's like, dump that bitch. And then he would just be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other one is, uh, comics would do it, you can't do it with these mics, if they put the mic to their ear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there like, uh, like being wacky with the microphone? Yeaah. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, now we know not to fuckin', uh, put out a tear. But you don't know. You don't know actually when you start, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so this came in a little while ago. I've been so excited. This is a, this is a clip that immediately I got so excited about. Okay. And I've had it for a minute, but I'm glad that we saved it for the new studio episode. Oh, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I mean then it brought out like the glass and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He cannot believe it. I've never seen anything like a hunter of sincerity. Like it is so genuine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to eat the meat. Well the first one, the glassing guy got a moose. I'll go to moose. I don't think it says in this one, we don't know, but it's something fucking huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. That's of course. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't we just go out there with fuckin' AR-15s though, just light em' up, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that is fucking awesome!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can do here. This episode's gonna drop and someone's gonna be like, I have your whole fuckin' trip planned. Yep, it's gonna be awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, they didn't stand a chance. Here's the thing though, people go, Man, that's fucking awesome. That's gnarly. They're like, that's not fair, uhm, cause you have helicopters. And guess what? Yeah. We're people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People get to use our resources. If animals get helicopters, like if they start making, then they can fly helicopters too. But I haven't seen a single animal have the ingenuity to develop helicopters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't know, a bear comes up to you and you're like, yeah, but the bear is nine feet tall and it has huge claws and teeth. You're like, yeah, that's what the bear has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it looks like a cub. It doesn't look like a full grown bear. So here's the thing. If you're trying to tell me I don't deserve to use a helicopter when I'm going after that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what other animal can do that that people don't realize? A chimp. Yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, when it comes to pure strength, a grizzly bear can lift over 500 kilograms. That's over a thousand pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In less than 24 hours, da-da-da-da-da, our conclusion was Grisard is equal to two and a half to five times in human strength.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much force can a bear exert? It can close them, close them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and I do not assume that because a bear is strong and appears clumsy that you can outrun it. That's cool. So they're also, and you're still making the argument not to use a helicopter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Understanding bear weakness. Let's see. Bears are very short-sighted and have very poor peripheral vision.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hence the reason they stand on their hind legs to get a better view. They cannot stand erect on a steep grade. Their neck muscles and jaw structure provide more resistance for turning their necks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, here's the thing man, if you're thinking about fighting a bear, it's not gonna work out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not the ba- that's pretty small for a bear. Like brown bears and grizzlies are much bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love politics, uhm, because of this. You know? Like the fact that you would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we're helping him. I think we're helping him get the message out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Minor attracted people. Maps. That got traction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People started talking about that. I've seen that now being discussed by other people. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because so many people now are wanting to accommodate everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but especially if you're a part of that community, you should know that flag. So you know when someone's trying to, you know, be like, hey, me too, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeah, clearly they're, they're borrowing a scheme and colors from the pride flag. Cool. So it kind of looks, you know, like, oh, that looks like that flag. That's working is what they're saying, but you should be aware of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reason though, the reason you have people saying maps is because of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People like that. I know. Like these idiots got the conversation accepted where people are like, alright, and then now this shows you what ends up happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, we should take a quick break, because when we come back, we have the most exciting guest we've ever had in the history of this amazing podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you guys see what it is. I never take my whoop off. I love this thing. The first thing I do in the morning, I open my app and I see how I slept.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last night, it was six hours and 52 minutes. I should have slept more. I absolutely love the insight I get with my whoop. You can monitor your recovery, sleep training and health with personalized recommendations and coaching feedback with whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The all new waterproof device is free when you sign up for a whoop 4.0 membership for any members. If you have six months left of membership on your account, you can upgrade now and get the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 4.0 for free right now. Whoop is offering 15% off when you use the code mom at checkout. Go to whoop, W H O O P dot com and enter M O M at checkout to save 15%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back and look, this is episode one from the new studio and we thought we should come out with a banger of a guest. So we are very, very happy to welcome to the new studio jeans right here in Austin, Texas, the great Cobra Tate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In everything I say. That's what I love about you, is that you really are just not afraid to say. He's a maverick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me just stop you real quick and say something. You've got a lot of work to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying, keep taking notes. Don't even talk to me. Keep taking notes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's because it's like, you know what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you see these videos of these guys that are lost and then they walk into a church and then the preacher says like the exact right thing from the bible and the guy's like, oh my god, this is what I needed. I feel the same way right now. I feel like, I love to hear that friend. I love to hear that. Thank you. It's really good to have you here and speaking, speaking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I could be, I don't know, uh, to borrow from them, I think you're kind of speaking the gospel right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think I'm playing games? Do you think I'm playing games? Do you ever worry that, uh, a woman just, uh, is with you for the wrong reasons and therefore do you ever hide how successful you are? You know what I mean? Like just to see like what happens when like the Lambo's in the, in the garage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's your, can I ask you this, cause there's a lot of dudes, this is a, you know, a primarily male audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a lot of them, you know, they look for guidance, they look to some of the guests that have spectacular careers. A lot of them, you know, are like, hey, I need a little bit of help, like I'm a little lost. What's like your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Advice to a guy who's whatever, he could be coming out of university or in his thirties, but he's like looking for a little direction. How do you, how do you start off get centered to become successful, you know, get money, get bitch, like how, what would you tell them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, let me stop you. When you say you intrinsically knew this, a lot of, I feel like a lot of people would, would assume that somebody is giving you some guidance too. Like, did you have somebody that was, you know, I mean, kind of laying some of this out to you, like a male figure that was informing you a bit? Yeah, I, I, I was lucky enough


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, these, these chess grandmasters are all like so smart that that becomes like a common thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. Yeah. Most, most chess guys, you're like, I don't want to fuck with this guy. He'll take my ass. Uh, but like, how did you, how did you stumble into fighting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you figure out, cause fighting is one of those things that's interesting, you know, the younger you start, the better chance you have. So uhm, but then, it's kinda one of those, like, with most athletics, you figure out pretty quickly whether you have a skill for it. You know what I mean? Like, you can try something, you're like, ah, I'm just average at this. Were you a natural fighter? I was good at it, right away. Yeah, right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been here for so long. I went to California last week and I walked into a place to get a sandwich and I walked in and the lady goes, do you have a mask?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought that was already... Sorry, in California? In California, yeaah. And they go, do you have a mask? And I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I'm used to here. And, uh, she goes, can you get one? And I was like, from where? And she goes, like from your car? And I was like, I don't have one there either. And she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, he, I was like, will you give it to me? And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got, I got a, I got a fresh one for you. So I go out and I get it and I put it on and then I come back in and then the guy there goes, you don't have to wear that mask. And I was like, what? So I don't know. It's just like, it's mixed messages. It's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pro-science and I believe in, you know, whatever, like, medicine tells us to do. But here's the inconsistency, the bullshit of masks. Is that, you know, even on a flight, right, you have to wear them. And then they're like, you can take it off to eat and drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. We went to a show yesterday and when you get there, they're like, oh, uhm, cause we walk in like this and they have like a little bag with masks. Like you grab a mask and I'm like, okay. So I grab a mask, I put it on and we walk in the lobby. Everyone has masks on and then you sit in your seat and they're like, you can take your mask off now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People also like to, uh, say that they've heard enough already about, that's one of my favorites. Yeah, you're ostrich, cowards. But they've, when they've heard enough about something horrific, like when you hear people go like, alright, with the holocaust, you're like, uhm, we could probably keep talking about it. It's not like, it's not a little thing that happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean look, there's still, there's still great parts of LA. I still love my fucking city. I'm 818 till I die. It's still like, LA is still one of the great cities, but it definitely has changed. You can't act like it hasn't changed. Like when people, a lot of people there, I mean, you'd have to be, your head would have to be in the ground to not acknowledge that it's different. What is it? Ostrich. Yeah. Ostrich. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll show you something. Uhm, here's some, uh, of the guys that also give, like, kind of lessons on women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well at first when you couldn't, because you actually have lived in different places, your accent isn't like, clearly from somewhere. So it kind of sounds, you're kind of like, wait, I think he's British, but maybe not, like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happy New Year. Alright, here's one. Tell me what you think of this guy. He has, I think, this is about what he looks for in a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you tra-train everyday? Everyday. And it's just a, like, it's just part of your routine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I like him. I love this guy. Unfortunately he passed away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So, so, so if you do- So she has to then choose between really the guys, they all have money to begin with. So now she's looking actually to the next layer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also, when I saw it, I was like, hey bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this guy's stuff. Here's the thing that I love about him. He cuts out all bullshit. He is completely direct. I think we pooled some of my favorite interactions with him, with women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like when he actually does the, he does the interactions with a woman who's like trying to get advice from him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I usually think, I don't care, like, I don't care, but I do find, I honestly, I do find it unattractive. Like when a woman's like, I've slept with fucking 80. Can I tell you something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my point is, if you were single right now, if you were single, and you're out, and you meet a guy who's like, you know, a multi-millionaire, good looking, you know, masculine, whatever, owns a bunch of sh- you wouldn't be like, this guy probably hasn't been with many women. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're attracted to him, your brain tells you this guy has options. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Delusion. You know what the other one that's fucking bullshit? This one really bothers me. Is when somebody, sometimes it's a famous person, sometimes it's just a regular person, is overweight, loses a bunch of weight, right? And then people go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not true. Like you lost, first of all, you lost all that weight. That's great. We should celebrate that. And now you are physically more attractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, is it Deandre? No, no, no, not Deandre. Deante. Deante Wilder. Deante Wilder. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a guy who talked shit and it's on video. This guy talked shit and Deontay Wilder showed up at a gym. The guy was like, no, no, no, no, this is going to happen right now. Yeah. This is real. Yeah. Yeah. This internet troll. Oh yeah. Yeah. Charlie's on it off. Yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, this guy, he, this guy talked shit and then he chased him. He was like, no, this is not over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I have, I tell you this, I told my son, cause it's the older one who I told him, I go, that's okay. I go, if you get in trouble, it's okay. If anybody ever tries to hurt you, you can, you can hit them as hard as you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've wanted to, uh, I've wanted to fucking do what you just did to my staff so many times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd be amazed. Absolutely. Uh, how many cars do you have? 23.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, right. How many cars do you have? Not 23. Uhm, I have a few, but not, no, it's not, it's not up to that level. I, uhm, you have a Lamborghini?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just so you know, if you ever take your Lamborghini out and you see a bear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't decide. That is the one of the cra- that's one of the craziest things I've ever driven. I actually think that is insane that someone can just buy that. I'm like, this is too crazy. It should be illegal. It should be illegal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are exotics, like do you see them a lot, or just the ones you have?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. So driving on that road, I mean, first of all, that car on that road is terrifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had one for a few days. That's the one? That's the one where I was like, this is too responsive. It's too quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No big deal. It's not a big deal! This has been a fucking learning experience. Oh my god. This has been enlightening, um, entertaining. I mean, I had high expectations, but you exceeded them. Exceeded. Exceeded them on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna give you, uh, one last repetition, like tell again where people should go. Where should they go to follow you? Where should they go? Where should they go to, you know, get more tape?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm hooked, I'm in. I'm in too. Dude, I can't thank you enough for coming. Yeah, thank you so much. The jet's fueled up, so where do you head from here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do it. You're the man. Uh, Cobra Tate, thank you so much for coming today, man. We really appreciate it. Thanks for having me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. Please continue to watch more. You can see all these where my hand's gesturing. You can click on those. And please subscribe if you have not yet. Hit the subscribe button and then we'll get your money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Paper used to be rag paper. It was made with most often a cotton or potentially hemp blend and it could be really crispy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or it could actually be quite supple and flimsy. And if you look at it, you can see the texture within that paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A dollar bill, basically. And it was strikingly lightweight. Antiquarian books are actually shockingly lightweight compared to their modern counterparts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So modern books are generally printed on wood pulp paper, which is much heavier. And so just here's a modern example of- Where does this take-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cain flying in the air. Damn dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that a dog on the stairs? No, that's a cat. Really? Yea, I saw its tail slowly going. So yea, she's got a life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris Larson, uh, will be working on the studio starting tomorrow. I think he's wrapping up his move right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, Chris has always been a family man. It's, uh, he's one of the rare people here that doesn't hate his family. So, uh, he, uh, yeah, he drove with, uh, I believe his, I think it was going to be his mom and his dad. And they were going to do like a caravan thing. And then they.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, condensed it down to just, uh, uh, Chris and his mom in one car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know what I'm looking for. Uhm, so it's uh, pretty much, this shows you Leo's age as it progresses. And then it shows you which girlfriend, her age, and then as soon as he dumps, you go on to the next one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, not a single one above 25. As soon as they hit 25, he gets a new one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, my security team will stop everyone from standing at my door who have the intent to see or speak to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely thought it was, uh, I didn't understand that it was for Austin, Texas either. I thought that ATX was just because AUS was already taken by Australia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope your holidays are good and if you're doing a gift exchange, make sure to set like a spending limit so that everyone can participate equally and then you don't have everyone fighting over like one gift that's really expensive and it's just better that way. So that's my tip for the holidays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I hope your holidays are good. Uhm, bundle up, the weather's getting cold. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was up till 4am crocheting, and you're like, what? I made a macrame painting of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, the worst. And I'm like, I go, I just don't know what to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just fuckin' fall in love, dawg. Send her a message. You think I should fuck with this one? Yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Neema, how you doin' my baby?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, my baby. It's change. My baby girl. I'ma make you feel good, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I promise you, in God's eyes, the way you be in a new one like this, just give me one chance. Please, my baby. Yea, give me one chance, my baby girl. I wanna eat your ass. One time. Ayayay!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna eat them little Muslim women drawers. Yeaah, I'ma smoke they drawers. When I say I'ma smell your drawers,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I'm laying down, I'ma smell your fraud. Uh huh. Nina, I bet you any kind of money, you can't put your booty in my feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because my dad would always do that, be like, see that guy, he's on drugs. And then you're like, oh Jesus, you're like a homeless guy, missing his teeth, like stammering to himself. And you're like, I never did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And her pussy. And her pussy drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You for sure see the beer bottles, like I have beer bottles in my room. And like cigarette


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the fun. That's true. That's true. That's the best part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They truly built the person that I am today. I just feel like now, I feel so confident in the man that I became. When I was young, I had so much stuff to express and to me, my ink was, you know, one outlet that led me to, you know, maybe say stuff that I couldn't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The person I am today, without those tattoos, to see who I kinda truly am, so yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on my way to my first self-removal session. A little bit stressed but I hope everything will do well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's so disrespectful, uh, how you've been referring to my, my blow up doll there. Don't think I haven't been watching the episodes and you guys are like, this is how that bitch should be. Blah, blah, blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you guys even give me bottoms or am I naked? Am I Donald Ducking it down there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you had to rank the cool guys club who you're number one, I'd say for you, the number one is at Asner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it his innocence? It's the innocence, it's the way he is so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what makes your dick hard, is when other people's dicks get soft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was just trying to think who my favorites are and I think top of my list is going to be Tony Johns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For so many reasons. He's charismatic. He likes to have fun. He's given us so many good phrases.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and I, but I also really have a fondness for Cobra Tait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, just because he gave us a new way of speaking, like women should clean up unprompted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I like when he goes, I always put down my credit card. It never gets declined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean two ladies named Banana and Split?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, one thing I always wonder about the cool guys that we feature is do they ever really get laid? Is it, do they walk the walk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the woman is like, you have to bring me the sense that you like the most. Oh boy. So he brings, he brings in a cigar, tobacco, like tobacco, which is beautiful, a beautiful smell, tobacco, and then like freesia, which is a flower. And then his gay lovers jockstrap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a closed eye, like, like she gets the essence and then she's like, Halston


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, but what if, can you wear a jock strap and then I, like you wear it, you exercise all day. Can I tell you something? And then you hand, and you hand to me, hold on, and then I give a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Texas is because you can carry guns. I feel like people drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice, they say people drive nice in Austin, and I do believe it's because you can just carry a gun with you. I haven't seen anybody do this kind of shit here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which one would you prefer to keep though, the top row or the bottom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's showing you how he's a badass. Don't mess with him, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I cannot have one more conversation about how hot it is. Dude, bros, look, it's fucking the middle of summer. It's hot everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Which is the hottest part of Los Angeles County. So hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hotter, but the clouds are coming. So I think it might rain. You're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's interesting how regionally people like to discuss the phenomenon of weather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. And in the Midwest, when you go to like, I remember like every time I go to some radio station in the Midwest,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would al- they always start you- they lead you into the joke too. They're like, well, you know, if you talk about weather and then they go, you know what they say, right? And they go, what? You know what they say? If you don't like the weather in the Midwest, just wait till tomorrow. It'll be something totally different. And you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, this is hot. Bet you never felt hot. And, and, and when we moved here, it was like, what's going to happen in the summer? Because the Texans were warning us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here I am in fear. I'm like, what is this summer gonna be? What's gonna happen? Will I be set on fire if I step outside?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But wait, hold on, so were they hungry tits or were they big milkers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And was she flying coach or she should be in first class? Did she have like a sugar daddy with her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, they let people on the plane out. I mean, people wear their pajamas. People wear the craziest shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They treat it like it's a fucking, what, like a local bus or something now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' people are walking around naked. Well even in Austin we were coming out, uh, from lunch the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause well, cause the Austin girls are more natural. They're natural. They're like whole food titties. They don't get those big fakers here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's hot outside, but if you wait till tomorrow it's gonna be hot again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is. I wanted to show you guys cause I talked about it before I've decorated the basket with some flowers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my doctor asked and I was like, oh, it's just a podcast joke. And then, um, I was at the mall with you and they're like, what's that stand for? I'm like, it's for girls that write till death. And then you get that answer and they're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of course it does. First good tongue, ruins that dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I spent many hours decorating the basket and I may have to start a small scoot scoot decorating enterprise here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if you've recently been in an accident, you want me to cheer you up, decorate your scoot scoot, hit me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think that'd be fun. The x-rays. Cause there are people on the internet who don't believe me. Well, there's that. So it popped out there. That's the dislocated ankle. And then I broke two bones down there and then I broke the upper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I thought these are cool photos. Just wanted to share. Yeah, of course. They're interesting. I think it's interesting. And now I can feel the metal here. Oh, and that's my meat stick when it first came out a week after. You can see the stitches and then how meaty it was. And there's the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. So gnarly, but now it's totally, you know, almost totally sealed up the wound and then two weeks I should be able to walk.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you though, because this has happened to me, I was watching the episode with Ian Bagg.


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[Assistant] And horrible or hilarious and I find that segment so much funnier now.


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[Assistant] Cause I was watching the video of that guy jumping off the roof in those boots and how his legs locked.


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[Assistant] You're not excited that this guy knows these secrets to the world and to existence and stuff? Give it a shot.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if I could experience that for sure. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bang dudes on the weekends and stuff like, you know, cause I really didn't get to try out these apps and stuff cause I was married. So like maybe in my second life I can just live with a bunch of other older hoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And B, if I get AIDS, who cares? I'm gonna die soon anyways.


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[Assistant] And then I wear some little lemon pants that I've modified to go to the shin, and then I wear a skirt over that. It's, and then I have to find a pool of just other orthodox women, but it's super easy. It's chill.


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[Assistant] No. But wouldn't you like to make her cry, Trine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could see you enjoying that bit. Like, eat my scrum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's somebody in a bed, he's like bedside, and they're clearly dying. And he's trying to get new pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is looking for that in his partner. Men want a woman who is agreeable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want a woman who's going to follow his lead and have his back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A woman who's ride or die. That's what men are really looking for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is all women a figure that is sexy, slim, tight, excellent legs,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. Please continue to watch more. You can see all these were my hands gesturing. You can click on those. And please subscribe if you have not yet. Hit the subscribe button and then we'll get your money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was saying, nah, just record, if you wanna do a story, do a story.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, oh yeaah, I don't do it. Leanne does it. Okay. She goes through and cleans up the front.


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[Assistant] When smile and giggle and I laugh at my own jokes, watching my own special, once it gets moving.


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[Assistant] Can you watch the cabin and watch us before Joey gets there?


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[Assistant] Yeah, so I'm dating her and I'm dating Alyssa. Uhm, as you guys probably know, I'm polyamorous.


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[Assistant] So, I identify as wolf spiritually and psychologically, but I'm still in a human body. So with that in mind,


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[Assistant] It's at C-E-E underscore L-A-R-S at C-LARS.


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[Assistant] Hey guys, the guys at the office won't stop pounding me about.


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[Assistant] Posting to Instagram stories, so I'm going to now do a once a month post just for them. See you in July.


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[Assistant] Yeah, at least for the short term until I lose, like, uh, I guess, just, I just get broken by it or something.


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[Assistant] Yeah, my parents think it's hilarious. They're like, you have no- you follow nobody and you have five thousand comments on a video.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I mean, it's pretty non-existent for the most part, apart from these Instagram posts. Uhm, but yeaah, they're all for it. Uhm, they're really excited about what you guys are doing.


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[Assistant] I mean, right now, I'm really just waiting until the move. To Austin.


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[Assistant] I mean, I don't really know what the distance between Austin and other places are. You don't want to travel far. Don't put out a big distance thing. I wouldn't say outside of Austin. No. Proper, I wouldn't probably mess with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I, you know, a lady that, you know, is, she likes to do shit, but also doesn't too, because I get really fucking lazy. Uhm, so I kinda need someone who can chill, but also will get me off my ass a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, I think a similar philosophy is good in most relationships. Work hard, play hard.


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[Assistant] I didn't say shirtless jogger guys, I said kayaker maybe, but not a jogger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, I love, I love food, food's one of my big things. I love cooking it, I love trying new things, as long as they're like, things I can eat, for the most part, but yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, she has to, I guess, be a little self-aware. Like, I've talked to, uh, I've had some bad dates where they're just like, like, I don't apologize to anybody because I, uhm, I always think about what I'm saying before I say it. I'm like, that just means you have a problem admitting when you're wrong. Yeah. Yeah. So like, things that are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that, like, that's a turn off for me, like, if you can't recognize when, like, if you can't recognize that you're in the wrong sometimes, then that's gonna be a problem, but like, I understand that, like, I'm in the wrong too, like, it's, no one's perfect. I don't expect perfection, but self-awareness.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and also just being responsible. Like, I don't want to have to take care of you necessarily. Like, you can manage on your own. I don't want to have to manage everything for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I, I'm, I'm, I can, I can't handle either, uhm, but yeaah.


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[Assistant] I would probably be more of a tits guy over an ass guy, but, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, I would say, uh, yeaah, like darker hair probably is more my jam than lighter hair. But yeaah, just, I guess, the less alike I am to them, you know, like I don't want like a blonde, blue-eyed, you know, I don't know what we want to call that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that's not a deal breaker, but I do see that as probably going to be an issue for some people, cause, you know, I mean, you kinda have to agree on certain things. Like, if you have kids, are you gonna get them baptized? Are you gonna have them be Jewish? I don't know. Depends on how religious that person is, I suppose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, it's Chris Larsen. Happy Friday. Tomorrow's Saturday. So I guess that means it's the weekend. Yeah, so hopefully you're getting off work soon. That's good. Yeah, because it's Friday. Happy Friday, everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everybody, I'm gonna probably fix the lock on my door and maybe cook some dinner. Yeah, just prep for the week, you know, maybe cook four meals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One meal per day and then have a fun day, one day out of the week. And uhm, yeaah, I'm gonna enjoy this weekend. It's good to be back in LA for this weekend. So I'm gonna have a lot of fun. Thanks.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this guy can fuck right off. And he, this dickhead, he can shove up his fucking ass.


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[Assistant] Keep watching. And I'm crumpling up a ticket, you hear that? See your ticket, you fuck!


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[Assistant] That little worm behind me deserves a fucking foot in the ass.


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[Assistant] Hey everybody, Mike Lutgen here, fresh out of jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got pulled over, uh, twice within 10 minutes for stunting, for calling a cop, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A few derogatory names, but believe me, he deserved those names. This cop gave me a second stunting ticket. Uh, alls I did was call him a faggot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's pointing his gun at me, beating on my fucking truck. Like seriously, for calling him a name?


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[Assistant] So then I got charged with assaulting a police officer with a deadly weapon, which is my truck because apparently he walked into it as I was driving away. I've never assaulted anyone in my fucking life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a bit of a big mouth and a bit of an asshole, but yeaah.


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[Assistant] And when you tell them to fuck off after the second something ticket, you're gonna get a gun pointed at you.


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[Assistant] Check me out, y'all might have more teeth than me, but I bet you I ain't got more money than me. Check me out.