[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were basically just yell at each other over the rules, okay, in, in, in the, in the, in the dining room or wherever, you know, and just absolutely just my parents, cause it was like, um, cause we sort of, we lived in this bungalow, right? And it was, it started off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty much, and so then it became, it slowly grew in size, and because of that, the rooms were a bit weird, so it was like, first of all it was just one big room, and then it was a room with a kitchen and a bathroom, and then it was a room with three other, like, bedrooms on it, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like a conservatory my parents eventually built on the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The game and like whether that was in range or not, whether this was allowed or like, you know, looking up the instructions. It took us so long to play these games because we would always argue about the rules and we, a lot of the time, a lot of the time, like when you play these types of games, right? Sometimes, sometimes the rules don't cover every eventuality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's like what happens if this specific series of events happens? You know, how do you adjust it? And this is why I like Magic the Gathering, for example, has a rule book that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sort of rulings that allow arbitration of those types of, you know, how the system works. It's more like a, a complicated system. And if you follow the rules of the system, it will eventually lead you to, but sometimes with magic, the gathering, for example, I found we played that too. And I found that sometimes


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be so difficult to like, tell the rules of stuff if you were just playing. Cause there's so many cards as well. It would be really impossible to figure out how they were supposed to interact. You would just have to kind of learn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How they, how they interact from experience or from like watching someone do it rather, or just make, or kind of make like your own rules or make your own house rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even today, like with board games and stuff, you know, I was playing Skull with, um, some of the guys and we were like, okay, house rules, this is what we're doing now. And they were like, okay, house rules, this is what we're doing now. And so we will, we actually get changed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make it more complex, especially if you know what you're doing, you know, like if you've got your group of guys that you always play with and that's all you've got, like when you're a kid, certainly like sometimes that's all you've got. Sometimes you're forced to like try and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are still obsessed with just one thing, you know, and you see them on, on, and it's good, like, I'm not saying it's bad, but, you know, people who, who play obsessively, I don't know, speedrunning Mario 64, Zelda, or whatever, or specific games, even like, weirder, more quirky games, they still play that and they love that and they know everything about that game and they have to,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty crazy because you know, I, I'm, I only ever like half the time I would like build.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have so many things in my hands, you know what I mean? But just by accident. And so I was thinking about doing that achievement. I thought, that's a really interesting way to play because it means you have to kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I watched a video about, it was like a 20 minute video done by a guy and he was talking about searching for a hidden


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a missing coin. Okay. So when coins spawn in Mario levels, they spawn in like groups of five or whatever. And there was a specific set that spawned on a slope that only had four. Right. And he, his goal was to try and get to this fucking coin. Right. And it was like, it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why, but I ended up watching the whole thing. And it was like, it was just this stupid thing. I kind of do, but I kind of don't like, I don't know. He was just clearly obsessed with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Searching for this thing and he was like, yeah, so normally when it spawns, it would spawn here, but the engine then like puts it to the top of the skybox. So I did this thing to see if I could get up top of the skybox to see if it was there and it wasn't there. And so then then I thought, well, maybe it's the opposite. Maybe like the way it spawns is like it removes, moves it from it doesn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of- because it's clipping through the terrain, it moves to the very bottom of the world, so then you have this other thing where you like, went to the bottom of the world to see if it was there, and it was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he came to the conclusion that it had been despawned and it wasn't ever gettable, even with like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sharing with me that level of sort of excitement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's because I spent hundreds and hundreds of hours, cause that was the only thing I had when I was 11 and 12 or whatever. All summer, you know, I would spend in a darkened room playing these games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, apparently it was excessively difficult, you know, designed solely to frustrate players, you know, but like, oh my god, it's just, as a kid, like, that's not what you want, Joey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've, they're such a variety though, in the same way that there's romantic films and horror films and you know, there's, there's strategy games and casual games and challenging games like Dark Souls. Look at, look at, look at the variety of choice that, you know, there's something for everyone really, if you know what you're looking for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, but I don't know, it's fun, you can ask math stuff, you can set a timer, like, I don't know, it's, it's, it's not terrible, I mean, I didn't have any, I've got one, right, I've got an Excel, I didn't have any, I'm one of these people who doesn't really have anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't have like a stereo or a music player or anything like that in my, in my house. Yeah. And so I got an Alexa in the lounge and I was like playing music in the lounge. I was like, Oh man, it's actually quite nice. And it wasn't too expensive either. Like I felt like it was like, it wasn't too unreasonable, but yeah, I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, I was thinking about heading over this morning because then I could have recorded the, the Triforce on the road, but they've moved all the flights to afternoons, which makes it a little bit awkward, doesn't it? Yeah. Uh, but there might be some more in summer because people, more people visit Jersey in the summer and they put stuff, putting more flights on. Yeah. And I like flying over to Jersey. It's good fun. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll just have- Oh man, you should see, Sipsis Barbecue's are great though, they've got loads of like, basically like, uh, vegetarian meat. It's kind of fine actually. I'm not coming, I'm not coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's do a, ugh, Poldega. People, people, someone tweeted something, actually posted something on reddit that I wanted to read because I saw it earlier and it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone said this, bodega, eh? Isn't bodega the best thing since sliced quam life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no. Oh no. No. Jealousy. Bad. Well there you go, that was the trifles broadcast for today, everybody. Thanks very much for joining us. Thank you. And we will see you next week. Peace. Until then, goodbye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk, I mean, I wanna know which guy was like, no! He's gonna never catch on this internet and all this DVDs and all this garbage! Tape! Tape is the future! Really? Crotchety old business man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a special table for you to store all your life savings on table and then so you can gamble on gambling table. We have drugs table, we have gambling table, we have prostitutes table, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like every conversation that he has, like you're not actually talking to a real person. Imagine talking to a machine that has been programmed to attempt to seduce you. That's what he's trying to breed as a whole sort of sub-race of people for whom


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Conversations with the opposite sex, because he does it for women as well as men, although...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deal with that, rather than thinking how can I convince people I'm not an arsehole using clever poise. And that's basically the whole gist of this game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he says, with, instead of with, going, you know, you could go with a girl and, uh, you know, that's nice, correct, that's the right answer. It's this weird, soft kind of voice, but he's, uh, yeah, he's a weird guy. His head is incredibly wide. He has a really wide head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things would work on people. I actually do believe that. Like, for instance, there's scenes where he's giving you these directions for how to start an interesting conversation with someone and it's the most boring shit ever and I'm thinking maybe that's what works because he just says, just talk about travel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the thing, the key is confidence. It's nothing to do really with what you say. If you're an approachable person and you can talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you've got your buddy, haven't you? You've got a built in wingman, cause Golem's two people in one. Do you remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But behind that nice guy exterior, he goes, oh yes, masters, Gollum will help you, Gollum knows the way, and all that shit. He's actually just after one thing. The precious, aka, some pussy. That's what he's after. That's it, he's got a weakness, and he's a prime


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think in a way Gollum represents the forever alone archetype, and he's endlessly helpful, but in a creepy way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Scum Bro is like the new fashion thing, there's a comedian called Pete Davidson, apparently Jonah Hill is big into it, Justin fucking Bieber of course, and they basically dress like a pimp, like a crazy pimp, and like Justin Bieber's new thing is just to wear skinny jeans and a massive fur coat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, in the 70s that was just a pimp look. Now they call it scum bro. And you dye your hair crazy colours. That's pretty much it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you say that. You say that. However. However.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is a zombie movie, I think it's called Zombie Holocaust, Zombie Apocalypse Holocaust, something like that. It was banned. It's a real classic 70s shit movie. It's something along those lines. I used to, when I was a younger man, I used to buy all these fucking old VHS tapes and stuff in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charity shops, and you could always find some good shitty horror. This was all pre YouTube and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the zombie's walking along the bottom of the ocean. Now he's not gonna get to the ship, because the ship is floating, right? The zombie's not gonna float up. However...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of them's gonna get on. Second, you're gonna need to make sure excursions for simple shit. Toilet paper. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's say we go beyond, we know that if you get bitten, you turn. What always fucking happens. Someone gets bitten, they conceal it. Right? They hide it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just when the doctor's reaching over to adjust their catheter. And some of the doctor's like, shit!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. And then you've got an outbreak on your hands. The other failing is someone's wife gets bitten and they hide it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We would see ships sailing away from us, and you could see them for a very long time. Uhm, of course, because the Earth is flat. So if you wanted to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they didn't do that. Never, never once did the Hoot Hoot. I was waiting for that. Every time we pull into port, nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was the first thing that surprised me, is that we had to buy bottles of water. Now what you could do is refill your bottle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, no, it's a, you can open, it's like a little veranda, you know, you go out and you sit on the, there's a table, you have your breakfast out there and everything, you can watch the, what's the ocean, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, I can't remember. It wasn't, it wasn't cheap, but it was, it was worth it, because you didn't have to get credit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it stopped at islands in the Caribbean. So, day one, you leave port and you're just sailing. You say, you see Florida disappear, you're like, bye Florida. And then you wake up the next morning and you open your curtains and there's a tropical island right there. Which is quite cool. Like, it's a gorgeous Caribbean island.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you get off, you get off in port, and there are excursions, so you can take, you know, you pay, obviously, to go to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're, they're, they just happen to be standing next to him. They're watching like, oh my god, that lady got left behind. And he says, yeah, she does this every time. Every time. Like this husband is just like shaking his head. So she has to get a plane. You can get like a little plane to take you to the next island. And when the ship gets there, you get back on the ship. That's the only art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's impossible, like on the way into the dining hall, which is like a buffet dining hall, they sanitize your hands. So they're at least trying to cut down on illness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is interesting, I felt very guilty about the uhm, the fact that we're living, and it wasn't quite a luxurious cruise, like it was genuinely a lot, there were a lot of very wealthy people on the ship, and then you have these guys basically working


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For nine months, working every single day. And I was like, damn, that's rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was talking to one of the bartenders about it and he said, let me tell you something. He said, this is one of the best jobs you can get. Like half the crew were from the Philippines and they want this job. Like this is the cushy job that they can get. It's, it's safe. It's clean. It pays. They get tips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a good life and they're taken care of. Their costs are extremely low.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole time they're away. Yes, they're away from home, but I was thinking, damn, what a rough job, but you've got to think of the people doing these jobs come from poorer countries. This is a fucking great job. Like there is a waiting list of people to get this job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does, but it was lovely. Small ship, very nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it, it was really nice, and you get off in all these little fishing towns in Norway, and it's great, and it was a really nice crew, nice ship, and it was completely chill, and it didn't feel anything like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were on the ship with, like, it actually felt claustrophobic, and everything was just kind of, it was so weird, like when you're standing on the corridor at one end looking down,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The full length of all the staterooms on that deck is just, it's just, it's just kind of overwhelming how many people there are. And you realise just deck after deck after deck of people. Everything you do is packed with people. The restaurant is just jammed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way, man. Run. Run, sips. Don't do it, my friend. Have you done it? No, but I've read all about it. Do not fucking do it. I think it would be hell on earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they know that if you had the average American family, or most families I think, around the world, and said, every boy wants to be a princess, then you'd have a lot of complaints. You would, I guess so. You'd get a lot of people saying, what are you trying to corrupt my boy? You know, I get that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But because we were working the whole time, I didn't get a huge amount of time to go out and see the city. But honestly, it's, it's really, really cool. What surprised me, I didn't know this. Vancouver, the population is like half Asian people. Like literally half. So there's a huge number of Chinese people there, Korean people there, Japanese people there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you do see stuff in Mandarin, yeah. And so many Chinese restaurants, like really good ones. Uhm, and Japanese restaurants and Korean restaurants, it's amazing. And the architecture has actually reminded me of Shanghai, the apartment buildings that they built, because there's a lot of Chinese money in Vancouver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I heard a few theories about why this is. One of them is, it's close to China. Right? So when you leave China, you just get a whiskey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in Seattle, it's not, it doesn't have a huge Asian population. Like I've been there multiple times. It was, I mean, I'm sure there is an Asian population in Seattle, but it's nothing like Vancouver. Like Vancouver is literally like 50%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So someone told me that one of the reasons is, when they were building, I don't know how true this is, someone will shoot me down on Reddit I'm sure, when they were building the railways,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, that was like before TI, so that was like the hub, they used to do like a hub, now Beyond the Summit does the hub, because Valve doesn't invest in events anymore, like other than TI, so they're all handled by,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. And also, they wouldn't want it to look shit. They'd want it to look really good. So they would have to have extra people assigned to this and they just didn't want to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, a few people pitched this idea for either an early show or a late show that goes on after the main event. And luckily they chose me to do it with DJ Weeps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we just sit there drinking and talking bollocks for like an hour. It was like a podcast in a pub, basically, that had guests and was kind of vaguely TI related. And that was cool, that I knew I was going to be doing that. I was like, great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I never got to hang out with him. I was working with him every day, like in Vancouver. He's the nicest dude, such a nice guy, very funny, great to work with, super professional dude, just super experienced and completely calm and confident, everything I'm not. So it was perfect to have him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As the sort of anchor. Then they told us when we got there, by the way, you guys are also doing this live stage show on the final night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this was like, we had to plan the show, write the show, sort the guests, plan everything, like come up with a run of show, talk to the production team and everything, it was, it was nuts. So we did that for like two weeks. HotBit actually did a lot of that work as well. And then we're standing there, we watched the crowd after the game fill up in like 10 minutes, the whole place was like BAM. And they were running to get to the front and we're going to have the winning team


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was weird, yeaah. It was, it was really strange. And you also realized that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you feel everybody watching you in a way that, that I'm not used to. Like when it's just a camera, like when I'm streaming or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, the conversation flow is kind of disrupted by you have to wait for the audience reaction before you keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it, it changes your whole flow. It was very strange. And I kind of dried up thinking of things to say because I was just thinking, holy shit, look at all these people. Like that was the first thing I was thinking. Yeah. It's, it's bizarre. But luckily DJ Wheat was there. No problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he makes the, he's the head of their content production, I think. I could have his title wrong, but it's something like that. Uhm, but yeah, he, you know, he knows Twitch, he knows everybody at Twitch and talking about the business and everything. It was, it was, it's crazy. I mean, it's so big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yeah, god, it's got a petite mouth. We're looking for somebody who's got a really, really tiny dick so that this man can suck you off. He can't accept anything bigger than a microscopic penis, unfortunately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a cocktail, you need a cocktail blood sausage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a Santa's grotto up there. It is pretty much, yeaah. But it's all Christmasy and twinkly, with the Christmas tree on the floor from last year, and the Christmas lights, because I couldn't be bothered to hook anything else up. That's it. Ho ho ho ho!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a combination of that, and it's also, people just can't empathise. If it's something, if you break a leg, everyone can see that, right? Your fucking leg is broken, there's bones sticking out through the skin, it's like, ooh, that looks nasty. You get the cast on, it's clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you broke your leg. And you could just say, oh yea, I better rest up and get well, you know, but if you say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I mean, everyone knows people who's had depression. I mean, I know people who've had like severe depression. I've been sad and depressed at points in my life, but because I had something to be depressed about,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think that's the biggest problem with mental health is not the stigma, but literally the inability of regular people to empathize with something when you're like, but how can you be depressed? You have all this and you have that and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very, very, very hard to empathize with something that is not something you can point at, not something that apparently you can even really fix. And it's just like, well, what the fuck do you do? So people just panic and just fucking cheer up, like you said, but it's just, it's almost impossible to put yourself in that person's position if you don't suffer from it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gets so bad that it's, it's like, like a really severe OCD sufferer. It is, it is a complete disability. Like it 100% is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once it becomes mainstream, people don't want to say it anymore. That's the thing. I think if you had, uh, Jesus, I don't know, think of a fucking example for yourselves, alright? But if you had that example that's in your mind saying that thing... Jizmop. Jizmop?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does, it does. I've got to talk about this guy because I can't stop thinking about him now. This is going back to the OCD stuff, right? When I was growing up, there was a guy in our neighbourhood. There was a mental institution, if you like, in our area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was, he was, uh, one of the guys that they'd put back into the community, you know, to live a, as normal a life as he could. Cause he wasn't dangerous. He just, just struggled with, with this OCD. And it was so bad. He enjoyed playing Dota. He loved Dota. He, uh, you know, eventually joined the Oxcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, I mean, who knows what his ritual was, you know, it was, it was arcane and complicated and, and you, you sort of didn't want to stare, so you, you couldn't just watch him and learn exactly what he had to do. But my mum, uhm, worked in, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wrap it up now like we've, we've finished sort of thing. And I thought that was like, I, I saw that look and you saw that look. You guys didn't see that I saw that look, but I knew, I knew to shut up at that point because I knew we were wrapping up the episode. I was like, all right, don't fucking come in here period. Just keep your big trap shut for a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's eh, yeah. That's why I think if we did this podcast all in the same room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for real. Like in, when I, but when I think about everything I've done in my life for 41 years, that actually seems like quite a lot of shit. Like a lot of fucking stuff has happened since 1976. I mean, 1970 fucking 6. That was a long ass time ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? To put it in a historical context, the United States was 200 years old that year. Like there was a huge celebration. I was too young to remember it. I wasn't living in the States at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you look back at the 70s and it looks like a completely different planet, like everybody's skinnier, everybody's got more hair, it looks completely different, everybody's dressed kind of pretty basically, it's like everything looks kind of cheap and shitty in a way, compared to now, everything seems all flashy and fancy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, it was all fucking, the hair got bigger, the clothes got weirder, the music got awesomer, and then, uh, and now we're here. That's pretty much it. I don't really remember anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, and now we got fucking crystal meth and shit. Oh shit, did you watch that fucking Louis Theroux documentary about the, the heroin addicts in, I can't remember, I think it was Huntington, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the problem is that the solution, the solution is a tricky one. Because some games, like, honestly some games...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having the loot boxes, which you pay and you spin and you get it, it's fine. I honestly think it's fine. If you look at something like Hearthstone, I think it's fine. Dota, I think it's fine. Uh, it works because it's cosmetic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the problem I think that people have with, with, with pay to win, which Battlefront and stuff like that is, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It, the game fucking costs a fortune in the first place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't buy the game. Like literally, that's the best, the best way to change this is to not buy the game. Don't buy the game and complain about it. Don't buy the fucking game if you disagree with the way it's done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, if some people still go ahead and do it, EA are gonna keep doing this, people are gonna keep doing it. So I think you can raise the issue and say, by the way, if you buy this game, this is what's gonna happen and you're gonna have to pay...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] amount that it takes to grind up, but then it turned out you earned less from the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to have the cool Stormtrooper armour, or if you want your TIE Fighter to be Darth Vader's TIE Fighter instead of a basic TIE Fighter, or you want your lightsaber to be rainbow coloured, or you want your lasers to be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Red instead of green or whatever, you can buy that. People will fucking go for it. I mean look at fucking, uh, what's it called? Fuck me. Overwatch. Yeah, Overwatch. It's all cosmetic shit. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they call it something other than Venture Scouts now, it's got some other name. But anyways, so for the girls it goes, rainbows, brownies, guides, and then whatever there is after that. Girl guides. Right, no, the guides is the girl guides.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've got the rainbows, which is very sweet. They've got the uniform and they do all this stuff and it's quite light, they just play. And then the brownies, they start doing badges and they have like a sash and all this kind of shit. But I thought it was quite funny. We marched along with service personnel and veterans and like this band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, why, why is, why are we, and I remember when I was a cub, we did the same thing, why are we associated with people who've served in war, and like, the armed forces and people that wear a uniform?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of, of, you know, the veterans, they've, they've, they've been in the trenches, uh, or they've been, you know, they've flown a Spitfire that someone hasn't eaten. They've done all this. And then you've got a bunch of girls from the brownies and the rainbows marching with them as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought it was kind of weird, but then I thought about the fact that a lot of this kind of stuff started off not as a kind of paramilitary thing for kids, but as a way to prepare them for the military, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but like you were talking just before we started recording about how little kids...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And around two, two and a half, they become absolute monsters, right? There's this one fucking kid in a push chair who's just losing his shit, and everyone, it's just during the two minute silence, everybody is silent, like everybody, it's like a, it's like completely silent and twigging them. And there's this one kid just screaming,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, but the point is, when they were little, the step was the big thing. And it does take some time, and it's quite a lot of hard work to get them to get it, but eventually, every time they get off, you just say, right, that's another two minutes. And however old they are, that's how long they have to stay there, because two minutes to a two-year-old is fucking eternity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I use the Xbox as a threat a lot. My kids have an Xbox, they play Minecraft on it and they play Stardew Valley on it and stuff. And, uh, the other week, my eldest was being, she was being an absolute bitch, if I'm honest with you. She was being really unpleasant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, if you guys mess around today, of all days, if we're out there and I have to tell you guys off because you're messing around, you won't shut up, you're dancing around or whatever,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris, not been happy with your sales figures, uh, in the last quarter and the quarter before that actually was, it was bad. I, I see a downward trend. We're very unhappy. So, uh, I brought your wife in here. I'm gonna fuck her right in the pussy and you're gonna watch me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know what, talking of the apprentice, right, and talking of like, like bringing on a sort of, bringing people in as an apprentice, or perhaps as a guest. This is a cheap segue, but I wanted to do it. I was in the pub, uh, the other night,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and someone said to me they really wanted to be on the Triforce podcast. And I thought, we've only ever had one guest. It was Duncan, uh, last Christmas, right? Wasn't even really a guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No I didn't, no I didn't recommend it. I said I've been trying to watch it and it's really fucking hard to enjoy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The characters, I-I can't fucking understand it. Half the decisions these characters make, their reactions to what's happening around them, I-I'm like, is this- are they scared? Is this a good or bad thing? Do they-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do they feel anything? There's so little acting going on that I can recognize as, okay, I can kind of understand what this person is thinking. Like there's one scene where she goes to this house in the middle of the fucking woods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just turns up. And I'm like, what the fuck is she doing? This is like, you know, a horror movie, but she displays no fear at all throughout this entire ordeal. It's just kind of a thing that happens and then she's just down the pub. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? It's, it doesn't make sense. The characters don't make sense to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was in, alright, so she was in four movies in 2012, including Cabin in the Woods. Then she did nothing in 2013. She was in one thing in 2014. She was in-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, now because of Blade Runner 2049's frankly disastrous box office performance compared to what they thought they'd make, right, it cost a fortune to make a market. It was amazing, I loved it, but they needed to make 400 million dollars to fucking break even on that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's weird because you're watching this Marvel universe and suddenly there's a rock guy called Korg, who's like probably the standout character of the whole film, honestly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was written by, I think the guy was on fucking Reddit or something, wasn't he? And he posted it in stages and bits and it was like published a few chapters at a time and he kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically self-published this book that was a big hit, but- That's pretty cool. But you know the weird thing is, I read about how much he got paid, I think, for the rights to the movie, and you always- I always assume, if you've written a book that's like a massive hit, and somebody decides to make a movie of it, you're gonna make a shitload of money, but you really don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I was, I was, my kids actually quite like Friends now. So if we're stuck for something to watch, it's always fucking on, right? So I'll stick Friends over here, watch this. And I was like, man, Friends, why the fuck would I want to watch that? I actually laughed my ass off at a joke the other day where,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joey, right? You know Joey? Yeah, Joey, yeah. He says, uh, well, there's no point talking about it. It's a moo point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it rings a bell, actually. It was a, it was like, it was, Prime Time was a huge show, uh, in the, the late 70s, early 80s. It was, it was massive, right? Absolutely massive. Um, and it's show, it was, it was nuts. I watched some of it recently. It's fucking terrible. But at the time, it was like this huge sort of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was like a big fucking deal. It really, but you watch it now, it's like awful. Absolutely awful. So, like you said about those shows that age, soap doesn't get fucking rerun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the selfish thing I feel about this stuff is? I'm always like, I'm not thinking, man, I hope some more people haven't been abused. The selfish part of me is saying,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello everybody and welcome back to the Triforce Podcast with me, Lewis, Pyriflex, and Sips. Waaaayyyy. So this is coming to you from the morning after England.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got knocked out of the World Cup in, um, in great Croat style. Period. Did you watch the game? Of course. What was your feeling? Like, you know, this isn't going out for a week, but you know, we'll have had time to mend by then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. There you go. I mean, I started off on this podcast a few weeks ago, being very mocking of football, but it seems that there's just been this very high spirits lately. A couple of weeks of sunshine in England and, you know, we had our 10 year anniversary this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put out some really fun videos and had a really fun time doing some old school stuff, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just feels like the football, it was all, and it's even, even sort of with the calm down, it just felt like a really high spirited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It never is. It's always beautiful inside. Maybe if we did it in Australia though, right? In summer. Because that's the southern hemisphere, right? Or South Africa. Or Brazil, hang on a second. Surely, oh no, Brazil's just hot all the way around, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing is, like, with the World Cup, like, if it's, if it's, it's like America's, like, didn't they have a baseball World Cup or something? Or have they stopped that now? Like, hardly anyone joins apart from, it's a little bit like rugby when you have the Rugby World Cup and it's just like Wales, Scotland, England, New Zealand, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean is this a chance like for people to just sort of see the sort of the fantasy league dream team put together, you know, of the best American players playing alongside each other in a kind of show match format almost where they, they're really strong or is it something which actually is like challenged because I would, I would think that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, sometimes you're actually weaker when you put together a disparate team of random people who all play for different clubs or you know. Yeaah. Sometimes like- They gotta just do a lot of training and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who, who play, you know, for completely disparate clubs all over the world don't necessarily have, you know? Is that, is that a thing? P-Flex or am I talking bollocks? Slap me down, P-Flex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. It's a good thing. Anyway, let's move on from football. We can talk about football forever. We love Hippo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we know how English he is. It's like, you can't see Daniel Craig covered screen without thinking like James Bond. It's like, whenever Matt Damon's in a movie, he just pops out of something. I'm like, for fuck's sake, what's Matt Damon doing in this movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been like fucking working on some 10 years, 10 year anniversary stuff. Oh yeaah. This thing, been prepping stuff, been, it's been a bit intense, but I've also, this weekend I played.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About games. And I was like, oh yeah, I bought this game and I loaded it up once and I thought it was awful. So, you know, I didn't actually say that, but that's pretty much what I thought. Uhm, and so this weekend I loaded it up and I was like, right, I'm going to learn to play Battle Brothers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kind of regret the time spent learning to play it. It was like, it's, it's like, the learning curve is, is pretty steep, but then once you've got it, the game is just fucking rock hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there's like, John, there's enough movies, there's enough sports, there's enough games that, that there's something for everyone, right? Just because you like games doesn't mean you're gonna like every single game. I mean, in your case, Sips, you do actually weirdly like a lot of the iPad games and, you know, casual games. I do, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weird stuff too. I mean, you actually have, I think, a broader range than most people. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, did you see, they did the weirdest trailer, the weirdest half-tossed trailer of all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So also we met, well, you guys met the animation team, right? And they have, like, they have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they, they, they have a certain amount of time where they can work on each project and some things like the Overwatch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Half stone trailer that's super weird and I would advise you to just skip forward like 30 seconds, watch the pre-made 30 seconds animated trailer and then just don't watch the rest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I'm keen to do, like, I'm keen to kind of just try something new a week, like making that a thing, like just trying to experience a different game every week in terms of like a board game, because I've really enjoyed some of those. When we went to ParadoxCon, we played the City Skylines board game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of like you're relying on that to be the driving force behind your play. Whereas if you're playing a sandbox game or like a game that involves creating your own stories or relies on the people there like Trouble in Terrorist Town, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, but in some ways it's like easier in person because you can read them more if you're like, you've got more clues, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then as you learn these people, you learn their sort of mannerisms and stuff. It's like why like regular guys who play poker together will know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, people are aware that XCOM and XCOM 2 sold a lot of copies and, and there's, there's a couple of, I mean, Phoenix Point's coming out this year and that, that looks like a good, good XCOM-y game. But it looks like XCOM. It does. That's, that's my point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no no no, but I mean as soon as like, as soon as it started on that uptrend, you know, about, well it was at GDC, you know, when I, after I came out from there I told you about, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a massive Fortnite stand full of kids where it was like the creche in the middle of GDC where, you know, everyone just dumped their kids off and there was just huge, huge monitors, people just standing around the corridors watching people play Fortnite. It was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Battle Royale, it was, they just did it better, you know, and fair enough, like, you know, it's done, done amazing, but it's definitely like, it's pushed that age, it's, because I've talked to people at Minecraft about it and they were like, yeah, yeah, it's definitely just pushed, squeezed that age group of Minecraft players even further younger, you know, skewed them even younger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, but if you don't like it, there's like, Realm Royale is like the alternative which is almost playable, uhm, without the Book 4 building stuff, and that's what Shin's playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It harkens back to exactly the same thing I said earlier in this podcast about Overwatch and whatever is your game. Dota, whatever you know. If you've played it and you like it and it's casual and you enjoy that, you know you're pressing dive and you're in for a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Between 10 minute and 20 minute experience, then great, you know, it's, it allows you to, to, to say, right, I'm going to play this game for 20 minutes. It's, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's exciting, and it's exciting to get good at it, and to learn things about it, and to play with your friends, and you know, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it your playing, like, Jurassic World Evolution that pulled you back into Planet Coaster? Cause aren't they made by the same...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think it wouldn't be a very good stream game because you have to build up that level of imagination.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Games like that though, RimWorld 2 and Hearts of Iron, kind of, I feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like signing up for one of those fucking horror weekends, or like a cross-country, or a mud, a mudder, a tough mudder, or something, you know, some dumb thing where you fucking well like get tortured for pay, pay them to like put you through some shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A great, I, I, I think that there is potentially like a great opportunity for big studios to make games that we love. And like XCOM's a great example, it's something where they took it, the original game had a lot of problems with it, they refined it down, XCOM 1 was really excellent, XCOM 2 was really good. You know, it was just a great, had a great time, right? Loved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you look at, for example Hearthstone, I always think, when I think of Hearthstone, it's just a better Magic the Gathering. So I've been playing Magic the Gathering Arena, and the UI, it's complicated, you know, with magic like this, there's these unnecessary things that, sure, there are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Magic's in a place where it can't change, right, and it's kind of been, it's been going in the same way for so long that there's things engraved. You have your deck, it's got lands in it, certain things help you find lands, certain things, it's like a real part of the game to have that deck with everything mixed in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Hearthstone took the lands out and it took all the opportunities to play on your opponent's turn out and it took all these other things out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of that, it's just a better fucking game. And magic, magic is so slow sometimes, so frustrating sometimes. I, I do love it. I love the, the, the, the, the... It's so much more vibrant though. Here's the thing, I'm playing Hearthstone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm playing fucking, the other day I was playing Miracle Rogue. I was like, what fucking use is this? You know what I mean? It's like, I'm using the same fucking cards. I'm playing a Mage and I'm using fucking Mana Wyrm, Fireball, Frostbite. I'm like, fuck me. You know what I mean? I'm in Magic. Sure, there's some cards that, you know, they reprint every set, and there's similar cards that come back, but it's more like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we mostly know what you did last summer as well. You should be ashamed of yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the thing, right? Teenage, the teenage years, they, they, they try to rebel against you, but then they usually, usually when you become an adult, you, you look back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're in the waiting room and two, two policemen are escorting in a very burly man who's covered in tattoos and he has a shaved head and he's got a swastika tattooed on his forehead. But you notice that his eyes are very red, like he's been crying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you turn over to the man and you say, what happened to you little fella? Turns around and says, got my foot stuck in the spokes of a bike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm fucking, I'm really angry with you. I feel really bad for your daughter though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think again, they weigh it up though. I think they'll get you to, they'll, they'll get you into a nurse sooner if, you know, if it, if it, if it seems to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you what, it, it, it's not a perfect system, but flax, at least if you had seen somebody, you wouldn't have to pay any money to do it, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, I'm not 100% sure if this is accurate, but I remember reading something at one point about the French, uh, healthcare system. And they have, I think they-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, we're sponsored by France today as well. I hope, uhm, I hope we're fulfilling all of our, uhm, obligations, uh, for the sponsorship deal as well. So France, thanks very much for giving us a whole bunch of money. Merci beaucoup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, I think in France there's a system or some sort of thing where basically they try to say to people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, if you can afford to go private, there's, there's lots of options for private. Uhm, and, you know, it's probably, probably better for you if you can afford to do it as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you're freeing up space for people who really need it and can't afford to, to even think about going private sort of thing. And I always thought that, like, at first I thought, oh that's crazy, like they should not be promoting, uh, private, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the same time, it makes sense, right? Like, if you can afford to do it, and you don't want to wait, uhm, and you want maybe, you know, a better service or whatever,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should, you should try to go private and it frees up the, the, the fee lists or, or the, the pay list system for, for people who really can't afford to go private.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We took my, my daughter in when she was really small. We took her into uhm, into the emergency room because she was like wheezing a lot while she was breathing. But like at first we were just like, oh, she's got like, you know, she's got like a, like a cold and it's on her chest or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then we thought she's really fucking small and we don't want to take any chances. So we took her in and there was, there were a bunch of people there and stuff and we were like, all right, you know, like we're, we're waiting and stuff. And then they had to like phone in. There wasn't even anybody there that could really deal with it. They had to phone in like a, a, a, like a child doctor, uh, who had to then come in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had like, it was called bronchiolitis, I think? And it was, and it's quite, you know, it's not super common in babies, but they can get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean I think I, I, I, I, the thing is I understand that people would take their, their kids especially to an A&E if, if something, something was up, right? Like we've had to call out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like AIDS. A foot in their nose? Maybe. Maybe it's like lodged right up there. Maybe it's like a really tiny foot that's lodged right up there. Like a rubber foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think we, I don't think it was a case of waiting. I think the car had been in the shop for like three days and they said, come pick it up on Thursday. So we went on Thursday to pick it up. I think we had to take the bus and everything. Like it was stupid because it was like, you know, downtown we were in the suburbs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like sometimes you had the double, like the, the chiclet and then the jelly bean machine, but like this one just had a, had a really old like 1950s gumball machine in it and that was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine they go up to the counter and they're like, oh yeah, sorry, uh, Susie, I, I, I can't do the, uh, the late shift tonight. So you're going to have to cancel all the brain surgeries. Uh, yeah, no, I've, I, I, I just realized I've, I've got something else that I have to do. So see you later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People do not, it's, people do not like waiting for anything, but one thing that I noticed, uh, is that people will act really crazy to avoid waiting as well when we were at Disney in, in the summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we got into the park early one morning. We had like a pass where we got into the park like an hour before it opened. It was like some special deal or whatever. So we thought...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're like, fuck, holy shit, great. Like, there's gonna be no one there. We're probably gonna be like, you know, it'll be like a skeleton crew in there. Who the hell is gonna be in there an hour early? Sort of thing. So we went, we got up super early. Went over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got in, and of course, it's fucking packed. It's just like as packed as it normally is, sort of thing. I guess everybody gets an early bird pass, so. So we're like, alright, fine, you know, it's busy, but we're here early, and like, who knows, maybe like if we're lucky we can get, you know, to the front of a ride queue and not have to wait for like an hour or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, so we go into the park, and then at various points in the park,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There, there was like these little blockades because like, I guess they start-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it was like 8 in the morning, yeaah. I think it was like, or it might have been 9 actually, I think the park opens at like 10.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it could have been nine o'clock. So anyway, we're heading over to the Princess Pavilion. My daughter wanted to meet a princess. And the way that this thing works is you queue up and you don't know what princess you're gonna see because, you know, there's like a whole bunch of different princesses and whichever one is on shift at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like either gonna be Cinderella or Snow White or, well, you know, one of the Disney princesses, right? You have this baby. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we get to this, like, this blockade, and we're like, fuck, I hope all these people aren't going to the Princess Pavilion, cause like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we're standing around with all these people and we're thinking, ah, they're probably gonna go to a, it's a small world or whatever. And then we sort of start hearing like some mumblings and whispers like about the Princess Pavilion. And then it slowly dawns on us, holy shit, all of these people wanna go to this Princess Pavilion for some reason. Like what the fuck, every time we gone by,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like a massive wait time in the queue or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so then it starts to make sense. Like, holy fuck, all these people have turned up early so that they can go to the Princess Pavilion. And you can see them, their body language is like, I'm sprinting as soon as I'm allowed to. And these are adults. And some of them had people like kids with them, babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One woman was pushing a family member in a wheelchair and all of these people are like poised, like, you know, as soon as they fucking let us go, I'm going for it because there's no way I'm queuing for the Princess Pavilion all day long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So at that point, we're just like, fuck it. You know, what, if these people are just going to be like this, let them do it. How long can the queue possibly be? So the guy lets everybody through. He's like, all right, everybody come on through. Welcome to Disneyland, blah, blah, blah. And then, Oh my God, I've never seen anything like it. Like really like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, no, the music was playing, and so all these people are running, so we just start strolling, we're like, alright, whatever, fuck, these people are running. Uhm, and then we're coming around the corner, we see the Princess Pavilion, and fucking all of them are running into the Princess Pavilion, so we're like, okay, well, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still not as bad as, as normal time in the park. It's probably not going to be like a super long line. So we finally get to the Princess Pavilion. We stand in line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this line is just going fucking nowhere, okay? And you can see at the front of the line, all these people that ran, they're all like panting and sweating, but like happy as well. They're like relieved that they got a really good place in the line. I'm just like, fuck all these people. Like this is fucking stupid. So the people, so the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The person that runs the Princess Pavilion is walking through the line and they're like, okay, at this point, the wait time is 45 minutes. At this point, the wait time is 65 minutes. And then they get to the back where we are. At this point, the wait time is 120 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if you, if you do, if you do want to see the Princess Pavilion at Disney,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Undergo a rigorous year-long, uh, training, exercise and training regime before you go so that you're in tip-top shape. Get an early bird pass and then run like a motherfucker if you want to see this because that line is like that all day long. It's like 120 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, shit, and just like, uh, I know they need to invent a bike wheel that has no spokes. Is this possible? Like, with the, with the materials available nowadays?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that, maybe that's the answer, Flax. Maybe you get that so that you can, you can carry on a proud tradition of Kruggies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you know, everybody thinks, I think everybody has that little bit of them that feels entitled, right? And even me, like a small part of me thought like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why the fuck do I have to wait in a line? Like, just, just let me see the princess and let me move on with my life. Like, this is what my family wants to do, so make it happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and it is so, um, irrational, but- Yeah, it's hugely irrational. But, but it happens. It's really incredible how the human mind works sometimes, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think I'm an overly entitled person either, but there are moments where I'm stuck in a line where I feel really fucking entitled, like overwhelmingly so sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, they're all made in India. There's like, seriously, there's a studio filled with, uhm, you know what I think they do? It's like all those simulator games that come out of Germany. I think that there's an animation program at a school in India, and all of them end up doing Wheels on the Bus as part of like their-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's a type though, right? A guy who has his kid on his phone at full blast, let me guess, let me guess. He had a black sweater, but then he had like shell suit bottoms, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the buttons on the side and like kind of open so like the bottoms of the were flapping around a bit. No, sadly they didn't. Big white pair of Reeboks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slick back hair, kinda scruffy, uh, kept coming in and out of the, out of the waiting room cause he was going out for smoke and maybe a gold chain as well. Is this the guy? Cause that is the guy that lets their kids listen to the phone at maximum volume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In that situation, I would side with the guy with the noisy phone. I would say like, well fuck, this guy is clearly like, you know, a bit behind the times with his loud ass phone and keystroke noises on and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it wasn't my balls, luckily. It was, uh, it was my head. I fell down on my head. I was pretty small and I think my parents were worried so I had to go, I don't remember, I was really, really small. You were a child, you had to get your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, no, so the other time we went to the emergency room was because I was having, at the time I didn't know what the fuck it was. I thought I was dying because I was having a heart attack. Turns out it was my gallbladder which had to be removed. I had this genetic condition which meant that there was a lot of crystallization inside my gallbladder. So I had to get it removed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leading up to this, okay, I would just get what initially felt like trapped gas, okay, and you know how some, how uncomfortable trapped gas can be, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it would start, it would start as like trapped gas, trapped wind, you know, like when you just can't fart and you can feel it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So listen, so listen, it would start like that, it would just be this like, really sort of dull ache in my back, and I'd be like, oh fuck, you know, I don't feel that great or whatever, so I'd go to bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This like, what felt like really bad trapped wind. And so I would get out of bed and I'd lay on the floor thinking like, oh you know if I lay flat or something it'll shift it or whatever and then I'm laying on the floor with my ass pointing in the air thinking like, jeez I just got a fart so bad, like why is this trapped and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the pain would just get worse and worse and worse, and then I'd start barfing, okay? Like, I guess the pain was so bad that my body just decided, yeah, well, we're just gonna barf now and see if we can sort this out. So I'm fucking barfing and stuff. I don't actually feel sick at all. It's not like flu barfing, you know, like it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And where I used to live was like two doors down from the emergency room. So I was like, well, fuck it. It's three o'clock in the morning. I'll just go to the emergency room and see what's up. You know, like I'm not just going to lay here on my back barfing like all night for no reason sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go into the emergency room, there's, even at 3 o'clock in the morning, there was like 10 people in there, uhm, like Flax described.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well take a seat, and uhm, you know, there's a bit of a queue, but we'll get to you, like, as long as you're okay to sit. And I was like, yea, I should be fine, or whatever. So then I feel this overwhelming urge to barf in the ER.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's a toilet, so I ran over there, but I didn't have time to close the door, like I just had to like start heaving over the toilet sort of thing. So the door's open, everybody in the room is like, oh fuck, this guy's like just barfing or whatever. And then the woman came out and gave me this really strong cardboard tray thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I could hold, that I could barf into. I thought it was just going to get all soggy and leak through, but this stuff is like pretty good. Like there's no leakage whatsoever. Because I barfed in it a couple of times. And then, and then they were like, hey, yeah, okay, yeah, come through. Like you're, you're, you're fine. You can come through now. It was like instant. I just jumped the queue like 10 people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they checked to see if I was having a heart attack and they checked like all of this stuff and there I was barfing still and stuff, it was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Similarly, he doesn't give a fuck either. He's got his phone on super loud and he's just like, whatever, I don't give a shit. My daughter the other day was, we have like this in our house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The living room connects to the kitchen, which connects to a hallway, which connects them back to the living room. So it's like a loop. So like, so the kids oftentimes run through the kitchen around into the hallway, through the living room, back through the kitchen. And they, they, they do like this circuit. So,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My son was at school and my daughter was like marching around listening to some kids music or whatever and I was just sitting in the living room and every once in a while she'd walk by and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not the usual shampoo that I'm used to. I like full volume with conditioner to make my hair feel better. It's like, yeah, but was it good? Yeah, it was okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These people, like, the reason they're in debt is so stupid, it's like, yeah, I need to buy a new pair of shoes every day. WOLF!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last week, last week was my eldest daughter's sports day, then on Friday I went to Berlin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think Sips is, cause your eldest is what, five? Six, he's six. Okay, so it's the same as my youngest, and their sports day is still pretty adorable, right? I mean they just, they run around, but none of them are very quick, they're all kind of uncoordinated. No, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The race, they have like, there's normally a relay so no one feels bad, you know. Then there's the egg and the spoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can see the shape between a six year old and a nine year old is, it's three years, but in that time, their bodies are now growing so much that their legs are like, elongating, like, buuuuuh, like, myth-taking effect. Yeah, it's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shetland ponies. Yeah. And they're all kind of skinny and sort of live, you know? There's like, there was the one kid in the year who was like the fat kid in that year, and uh, it was, it was, it reminded me a lot of Sports Day because everybody's watching him thinking there's no way this kid wins. Like the moment he steps up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I don't even think that's an American thing. No, I don't think it is. They take sports incredibly seriously in America. I don't know where this idea came from, that there's participation medals. When you're five, yeah, because no one wants to deal with a crying kid, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fourth grade, I guess it is. Uhm, my eldest now, you know, they have a, it's a proper race and it's you against three or four other people and you have to try and beat them. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tragic thing is my, my eldest is extremely clumsy. Bless her. She just, that's just the way she is. She's a clumsy kid. Uh, tease her about it. You know, she's, she's, she knows she's clumsy. Um, she's the sort of person who, from a standing position, doing nothing else, will occasionally just fall over. Like she literally will just sort of collapse. She's like, whoa, I fell over my feet. I'm like, you weren't, you weren't even moving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's in the sack race. I thought, I hoped to God she was going to be in the foot race. She's in the sack race and I was like, here we go. She makes it two yards and then immediately collapses in a massive heap, falls over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they just time, their timing is perfect and they just maintain that timing. My daughter, she skips once, catches her foot on the rope and goes BWAM right into the ground. I had to wait for the other competitors to go, to go steaming off. And I run on and you know, I can't learn, she was very upset, mainly embarrassed honestly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, you know what they're saying, two Olympics time, or maybe even one Olympics time, they're saying, uhm, e-sports in the Olympics. Wow. Well, that's a good idea. Gotta get it out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, I mean, the thing is, if you want to attract a younger crowd to watch your product, which the Olympics essentially is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you marketed it right and got the right fitness freaks to say egg and spoon is the way, you would look out your window and you would see grown adults picking up, dropping off their kids at school and egg and spooning their way to the gym. I guarantee we should try this. The Triforce branded egg and spoon fitness suite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not kidding. Half the moms that I see dropping off the kids in the morning and picking them up are in their active wear. So they've got like yoga pants on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've got like a, a, a sweat top on like a, like a, what is, like a, not, not like a vest, but like, uh, it doesn't cover your shoulders. I don't know what you call those things anyway. Like a running vest or whatever. And they've got their ultra high tech trainers on and everything, but they've got a push chair with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess you could. I mean there's a market there I think for a gym that has like the station that you're exercising at and somewhere to park the buggy with a TV. Like so you can put Peppa Pig on there and you can exercise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when I was on the way to, uhm, the sports day, we had to drop the kids to school at nine, and then I had like half an hour till it started. So there's a coffee shop at the end of my road, and all the parents after school, a lot of them go there and get a cup of coffee. So there are two next to each other, they're like two or three doors apart. This is like a captain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I went in. I was the first person in the cafe, cause I was, you know, strode up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And is that a bacon sandwich, please? Can you bring it outside? I'm going to sit outside. So no problem. So I sit down. It's five to nine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then a whole bunch of other people turn up. Now there's two people working in this cafe. 25 past 9, so a full half hour after I've ordered my bacon sandwich, still hasn't turned up. I gotta go to this sports day. So I put my head in and I said to the lady, look, I said I'm not being funny, but I've been waiting 25 minutes and now I've gotta go. And she just shrugged and went, huh, like that. Like, huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not my problem buddy, you gotta go. I was like, okay. So I stormed off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm standing outside the other cafe, which is easily within earshot of the bad cafe, okay? And I'm meeting with some friends of mine come up to say hi to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they said, hey, how's it going? You getting something, uh, getting a coffee? I said, yeah. I said, let me tell you something. Don't bother with that other cafe on the corner. Because I ordered a bacon sandwich there the other day. And, uh, 25 minutes. They didn't deliver it. I said, so they're dead to me. I obviously, I've got a loud voice, right? I talk real loud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this lady obviously heard me saying this. So I go in the cafe. You know, Mike, the good cafe. I get my smoothie, I'm off. This is yesterday, okay? Sorry, on Wednesday. So yesterday I'm walking into school, one of the waitresses runs out of the corner cafe and gives me back


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cost of the bacon sandwich and says it in a very shitty way. Uh, my boss was very busy the other day, so as soon as you can get your bacon sandwich, here's your money back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I took the money, and I said thank you very much, and I put it in my pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me spin that around for you a second. Maybe in 10 or 15 years time, I'll be the Dean of something. And maybe her kids will want to get into so and so. And I'll say, fuck you, where's my bacon sandwich?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, sometimes Mrs. F will say, like, let's say the kids are away, she'll say, come and meet me, we'll go out for drinks after I finish work and we'll get some dinner and stuff. I'm like, cool. But it means riding the train at rush hour. And it is, it is un-fucking-believable. Like you said, it is unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it's not, it's not, because the thing is, it's like, I'd say, like, here's my general rule of thumb for London, it takes an hour to get anywhere. Minimum. Right. Okay? So I'd have to walk to the bus stop, wait for a bus, hope a bus comes along that goes straight to Richmond, hope there's no traffic,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and everything, you know, that was it. That was when I did all my reading. Whenever I had, when I used to commute for about a year, I commuted up into uhm, where was it now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's every day. And if she works late by an hour, I'm not seeing her till 9 o'clock. Like it's, it's that bad. That's nuts. Yeah, it's horrendous. Getting around in London is fucking horrendous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. It is crazy. It's nuts. When I was working there, which was a good, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thirteen, fourteen years ago now, there was startin' to build some of the early, big apartment buildings. And there was like one...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, I mean some of them converted, like there was one that was like a big tobacco warehouse. It was huge. It was like where the tobacco would literally come off the ships, they'd store it there before they sent it off to wherever it was going. Uh, that converting that into flats is the trendiest


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the, here's the problem, when you're talking about commuting, yes, yes, they absolutely do the same thing in Bristol, because they have those, there's a prestige attached to an older building, right? You know it's going to be a little fancier. They convert it into flats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing is, all these flats that they're making are for rich people, basically. Like, there's no way that the average person could afford to buy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but I mean that's the problem is when Sips is talking about commuting and how miserable it is, think about the fact that so many people, the average workers, everyone that's earning maybe minimum wage or just above that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would be the guy that serves in his pajamas and dressing gown. I would just wake up, walk down at 11, open the door and just stand there serving until I could be bothered to get dressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say go to the cafe over the road if you're prepared to wait until Doomsday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at least, at least so you're not the archetypal bed- basement dwelling redditor, which is what you are browsing reddit in a literal basement. If your mother owned the basement, that's the only way you can top it, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's, let's, let's talk about it. Let's talk about the fact that it's coming home. Let's talk about football. So, okay, when is the next England game? Saturday, so tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a World Cup, we won, we beat Spain in Euro 96 on penalties. But we've never won a penalty shootout in a World Cup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're gonna go out in this miserable game where they equalised the 93rd minute, and they kicked the shit out of us, and they tried to put Harry Kane off his penalty, and it was horrible. I mean, England players were diving left, right and centre, and I, like, as Garret Southgate himself said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is we finally realized that we have to play like the rest of the world's been playing. Because if you foul a player from France or Brazil or Colombia, they're going to fall over and roll around and get you booked and get a penalty and get a free kick and us saying, oh, it's, it's uncouth. That's why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of the major reasons we've been so shit for so long is because we refuse to play the game the way the foreigners play it. With skill and with tactics and with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is the World Cup, we desperately wanna win. If they're gonna cheat, if we don't cheat, it's, it's, what is it, a zero-sum game? Is it that thing where you have to? If they're cheating, there's no benefit to you not cheating. Like, you, you have to be as bad as them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because otherwise you're gonna lose, and they're gonna get all the extra advantages, even if it's only half the time it's an advantage to them, and the other half nothing happens, you have to, you have to go down when there's that contact. If they kick you in the leg, yeaah, you could have stayed on your feet, fall over, get the foul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the thing is, I feel for them because I guarantee you the people of Columbia are extremely passionate about their team. And the players are obviously extremely passionate and they want to win for Columbia. I have no disrespect for the way they play, genuinely. It was horrible shithousery, which is what they call it these days, like shithouse football. Like I agree, it was horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you think about what football does for me is that pretty much every day when it's the season or when the World Cup's on, I've got something that's going to take my attention and that is inherently dramatic. Like sport is drama. It really is perfect drama.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And foot, foot, all sport can do that where there's a moment of drama and sometimes it's boring, but that makes the dramatic moments that much more dramatic. It's like people saying baseball is boring or cricket is boring because it takes a long time and not many things are scored. But that means that when something does happen, the drama is accelerated. It's that much more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The goals and the drama and players getting sent off and the drama before a free kick is taken whenever they're close up on Ronaldo's face he does that thing where he pulls his shorts right up for some fucking reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm, I'm hopeful, you know, I'm always hopeful. This would be my, my sixth TI, uh, that I would have been to. It would be in Vancouver. So I would love to see it. Can you recommend anything for me to do in Vancouver?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't be, I wouldn't be. Because generally you fly in before the group stages and you fly out the day after the final.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did I tell you guys, uh, before TI, I'm gonna be in the States for two weeks. One week in Florida with my dad and the other week on a cruise ship. Did I tell you about the cruise ship? Yeah, you told us about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's four, it's four hours to Vegas. It's 270 miles, it's four hours to Vegas. Is it? So San Francisco's not that much further, probably about a six hour drive, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. It's like Friday everywhere is like, eh, you know, it's almost the weekend, let's just fuck around. So anyway, so we went and looked around Berlin and then the whole Saturday, it was just beautiful. We went to museums, you know, we looked all over the place. It was great. Had some lovely meals in Berlin and uhm, on the Sunday we went to Berlin Zoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I took some pictures and I posted them on Instagram and Twitter and stuff. And people were like, not much space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so, good luck out there. It's like, well, I think it's alright to take some animals and look after them. I guarantee you the zoo fucking, you don't work at a zoo if you don't love animals, right? These people are definitely loving and looking after these animals and taking care of them and stuff like that. But one of the things they do is they saw the tusks off the elephants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, not in the zoo, the zoo, they have these massive ivory tusks, but in the wild, what they'll do is in the preservation is they'll saw the tusks off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? I mean, yes, it's captivity, but he's still alive. It's not like the zoos a hundred years ago where people paid to box the kangaroos and shit like that. It's like, you know, they look after the animals. Yeah, yeah. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a taper there. You've never seen a taper. Looks like a big fat pig with a long nose. They're really, really adorable, right? He was chilling in the sun. You know when a cat is happy and they have that kind of half moon eyes and they're kind of smiling? He was the happiest taper you've ever seen. He was, this is fucking great. He's sitting there, there's food brought to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we, we, uhm, in Britain, I think in a lot of countries, Scandinavia I think, North America, Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have, uhm, an attitude to animals where it's not just caring, but it's empathetic. And I think if you look at the kind of food, for instance, that gets served in Japan, they'll serve live animals to be eaten, and that's almost unheard of in the West, right? It's not something that you see very often, but our attitude to animals is very different. It's just a cultural difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See you guys, uh, next week then. Indeed. Alright, thanks for listening. Adieu, au revoir, bon voyage, and au revederci. Goodbye. Come on in. Love you. It's coming home. It's coming home. Love you, bye. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't lay eggs, they're not made of chocolate, alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was very disappointed. I purchased what I thought, according to the bag, was a large bag of Galaxy's Minstrels the other day. And I thought, it's a large bag. It's about the size of a big envelope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what A that is. I don't know, it's an envelope size. You know when you get an envelope through and it's clearly not a letter, it's a card, right? It's like a birthday card sized envelope. It's a big, big bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I eat like 2 or 3, I eat like 2 or 3 a day, it's just my long time little snack, you have a couple of minstrels, mmm delicious, I like minstrels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My name is Perian Flax. Okay, and how can I help? I'd like to talk about your galaxy minstrels. I bought the large bag, it says on the back, it's like the larger bag of galaxy minstrels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I reckon you could fit 210 grams in the 118 gram bag and save on bags. Because this bag is, the bag is way too big for 118 grams. Okay. Okay. Just FYI.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, they just, they'll do it for fun. They wank for fun, I mean, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's probably why you don't see them doing it. They're looking for a little corner. I think they should give them a little darkened corner, like the J-O chamber, and they can go and jerk it in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I've often wondered what, what kind of popularity would you get if you could have one of these masturbation booths that was just located in like a public place, like in the, in the mall, right? It's just got one way mirror and you can go in and you can watch all the other people out there and you can go in and pay and just have a wank and watch the people walk past.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking a bucket, fuck a bucket, that's on my bucket list as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, in London on a, on a Friday or a Saturday night, and it's really late. After, after hours, like, you know, you walk around at four or five AM, there'll be people doing all sorts of things. On the night bus, you get, you know, people getting blow jobs and stuff like that. It happens. And I think at that point, you know, everyone there is an adult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's too fucking high or, or drunk to give a fuck and no one really cares. Uhm, but that's kind of the, the, the silent contract you enter into when you go out on a, on a bender is that, you know, whatever happens happens and, you know, as long as you survive, at least it'll be a good story. But I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a silent contract, Lewis. It's a silent contract. It's an unspoken, unwritten rule. If you've got a problem, go and tap that guy on the shoulder and say, excuse me, can you stop banging that girl loudly on the back of the night bus and see what happens? The silent contract is you get your fucking head shoved in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I like, what I'm amazed at by the way about that call is that guy took like five minutes to find out about their own product line. I could Google. Look at this. Biggest galaxy minstrels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 290. Boom. Took me two seconds. He was off checking the system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have yet to see it because every time they say, let's put Moana on, I say, I'll see you later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean of the cartoons of the modern era?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cars. I would hate to have to watch cars. Back to back to back. Sucks. I don't know, I think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, he was Eddie Murphy, he's Eddie Murphy's brother he was, and he was his bodyguard through a lot of that period when, when Eddie Murphy was very famous, and obviously Charlie Murphy was like a real, he was a real dude, like he was, you know, he didn't fuck with Charlie Murphy, he was not to be fucked with, he was a big guy, very tough,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so Charlie Murphy, he was part of that whole Hollywood scene with, with Eddie Murphy. So everywhere Eddie went, obviously he would go and all the different hangers on and everything. But Charlie Murphy had a million funny stories about being, you know, with Eddie and all that kind of weird fame and stuff like that. But he himself was really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, exactly. Like the one where he went to Prince's house after a party and they played basketball. That is one of the best, uh, Chapelle Show sketches of all time. I will have to watch this show. It's so good. Like he literally, they go to Prince's house for this party and Prince was like, hey, Charlie Murphy, would you like to play some basketball?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The revolution or something. So they're all there wearing like, you know, they've got the kind of looks like a doily around their neck, like all these fancy cravats. And they played wearing that stuff and they fucking destroyed Charlie Murphy and his crew. They absolutely tore them apart. And afterwards he's like, would you like some pancakes, Charlie Murphy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, Chappelle show was one of my favorite shows and I was gutted when it went away. I'm glad Dave Chappelle came back. He did it. I saw his special on Netflix. It wasn't like his best work, but I'm just glad to have him back. I really, I really enjoyed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rather than just those, like, these occasional comebacks. Cause I think a lot of the comedians, like, my favourite comedian is Stuart Lee. Like, a British comedian. And he, he's always working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's always, always out there doing comedy, doing stand-up, and I saw him in like some teeny tiny venues honing his material in front of an audience and really getting it just right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before he takes it on tour and does like a big TV show and stuff. So when he did, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, if you're not out there doing it all the time, I feel like a comedian that sort of makes, writes the material, comes back and does a big special, I would like to see him do like, back to the grind, just straight up comedy touring, because that's how they get really, really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like him and Richard Herring, the stuff that they used to do in the 90s was genuinely, there was nothing else like it on television. Like that 90s comedy, you had, you had, uh, Leon Herring and you had like, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris Morris and people like that, they were all suddenly arrived, and they were fucking amazing, and they've been funny for ages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that was Chris Morris. So that was like the, that was like Chris Morris and Steve Coogan and, and uhm, people like that. So, you know, that was sort of a different, yeaah, he's very funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually saw Chris Morris at a Stuart Lee gig. So I was at, we were at the gig in, it was in Leicester Square and there was Chris Morris. I was like, holy shit. I was like, that's how you know that he'd Stuart Lee's fucking the real deal when Chris Morris is coming to see him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they said, you know, it's all, it's like watching someone do your job as well. And you're like, yeah, that was, that was funny. That was a good bit. Cause you could see it from a professional angle, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I've read a lot, I've seen a lot of interviews with comedians where they say they don't really go to other people's comedy shows because it's hard to watch. You know how they've got there and where they're going and you can already see the tracks and stuff like that of where the jokes are leading. And of course a lot of jokes, you've already heard them before, or it's just a play on another joke sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His book is excellent, by the way. He wrote a book, uhm, about his stand-up, and it's like annotated notes that go along with his set, so it's got this transcript of a stand-up routine, and then it's got tons of notes about it, and the notes are fucking hilarious, but they also show how much he's put into


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he's brilliant. I love Louis. You look at his appearances on talk shows. When he goes on a talk show, he's always got a bit that he's doing that feels like it's just part of a conversation. But I guess before the show, he says, I want to talk about so and so I've got a bit prepared and like, okay, cool. So then they asked him a question and then he can lead into this five minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's just, they're so good. All these little snippets of material that he's just using for that talk show. You just think, how the fuck can you be that funny?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so this was very exciting for me, and I almost jumped out of my seat. I watched a movie the other night with Mrs. F. I think it was on Sunday night, right? It was the movie Battleship. Have you ever seen it? No. Oh my god, I have, yeah. So it was, it's a huge budget movie, right? Massive. It lost a fortune. It was a disaster. It had all kinds of people in it. Is it new? No, no, no, it's a few years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was made in that period in Hollywood. 2012. Right, it was made in that period in Hollywood when everything had to be orange and teal. Do you remember that phase?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so they were obsessed with it because it makes the image pop off the screen and all the rest of it. Like if you, there is a website that just lists all the movie posters that use this colour scheme. Orange, blue, contrast. It was ridiculous and they would filter everything and every scene


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but it's still pretty bad. But in the movie Battleship, in every fucking scene, even if there's no reason for it to be that colour, something will be bright orange and something will be blue so that it all sparkles and pops up the screen. So anyway, I'm watching the movie Battleship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a ridiculous movie. The plot of it is, they're on some kind of exercise, and aliens invade, and for some reason these aliens invade the planet,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until I saw the credits that this movie is based on the board game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Around this island, they're frustrating seismic activity. We can use the buoys to locate their presence. They're like, oh my goodness, this is working. So they have this grid arrayed and suddenly, if I'm looking back now, I should have seen it. The film's called Battleship and this is literally from Battleship, they say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he says, D12, and they hold their breath. He goes, miss. And then they go, alright, G7. He goes, hit. And they go, woo. And I'm like, wow, this is so dumb. And I didn't realize until the credits, I was like, wait a minute. Someone was given the task.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sips, imagine this. Someone comes to you and says, we have to make a movie about the board game Battleship. And you're a writer and you have to come up with a way to shoehorn


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck that movie then. I mean, obviously I didn't know until the end, but afterwards I was thinking, Matt, did anyone say you sucked my bow shit? But get this, the highlight of the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, I think, I think it's in whatever island it is, they've got this ancient World War II battleship that's just stationed as a museum. Right. In the, in the harbor.