[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple hours. Couple hours. Yeaah. And some of it's you're not doing anything, you're just staring. Yeaah. You know? Yeaah. And uh, if my wife walks down the hallway, like I feel like I have to make noise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'll just literally type this is, this is the sound of typing stay out of my office. Yeah. If you make a noise and people go like, oh yeah. But sometimes you're just sitting there spaced out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why, that's my fear. Why are you into it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it? Yes. Yeah, it's great. You're getting a motorcycle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't get a, what, what does he tell you to get? A Harley. Different, we're looking at different Harleys. Or like a Cruiser. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. And he rode my whole life. Oh yeah, that was my bike. Look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was huge. My father goes on these trips every June with his buddies and he would just take off for like a week and they'd go like East Coast, Nova Scotia, down to like, uh, Asheville, like all these different places. And, uh, when I graduated, I was never allowed to have a bike because it would have ruined his, like my mother would have freaked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so when I graduated high school, uh, college, I got my first bike and then, uh, got to go on trips with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It, no, it's easy. I mean, you gotta pick your places cause it's, the roads are hairy now. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Open road, off hours early, really early.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, god forbid something happens. It's, it was, you do have more control when you're on it. Like you feel like you, you can control it. Like you're more aware of traffic and the potholes and other people. Uh, but it's, it's definitely a thing. Like I stopped when I moved to LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had my first kid at the time, and uh, it was just that combination was like, I couldn't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if, if something happened to him, you know, his dog doesn't get fed. Yeah. You know, I had a whole family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He's gotta be smart. You're smart. Yeah. You handle it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you're looking at those bikes means that your head's in the right place. Thank you. Yeaah. That you're not just gonna go out there blasting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're loud. Yeah. My mom goes on the ba- on the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom would be on the back and they would like go through Europe together and stuff. Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, kind of, but it was, my midlife crisis was happening at a time where I really didn't have much freedom to do stuff. I didn't get like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, some of that, some of, some like, uh, regret of like all the choices I had made or that they made me make, you know? Uh, but I had...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like I got a lot, it wasn't like the typical like car bands, like that part of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think, uh, I had done it all before, you know what I mean? And then it kinda, so like I wasn't going back to drugs. Kick a homeless guy when he's sleeping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we do a lot of passive aggressive stuff. Cause I was in New York at the time. So a lot of like shoving businessmen on the subway. Little hips. Shoulders. Uh, yeah. Uhm, I probably drank more. I did drink more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I put it under the guise of, I'm just a grown up now. I just do this. And it's like, why are you having martinis every day, uh, and ignoring your family?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like that kind of thing. But it didn't lash out in like, in those other ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No. It was just, uh, two and then fall asleep. Yeaah. Yeaah. It was a boring with life crisis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. It was a little bit like. Yeah. Cause you're so self aware.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm like, why do I have to take a nap? Why am I trying to take a nap so I have more energy at four so I can get energy to drink at five? This is my biggest thing about my friends. This is my schedule for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, 100%. Yeah, like, it seems appealing. Sit outside with your friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta go to sleep. It's such an interesting thing though that you're asking like, cause I don't really, it didn't have like the car thing or the, I guess it was just that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have to be aware, or maybe, it just doesn't bother them that someone's like, look what- Yeah, of course. Yeah, Johnny's doing now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or oversharing, if you're sharing. Yea, the male version of that is, yea, there's a couple guys, comedy guys that are just like, what are you doing? Very sexual. Or telling people how to live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what you need to do. Exactly. That is a, uh, that's, you're gonna be mocked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I feel like, I feel like I could use a little bit more of that. Like I, a little bit more of a lack of the self-awareness. Because they're so, they get so popular. They get so, they put so much out. And I'm always like, no one wants to, I wouldn't want to see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm always by myself. It's like, how do they, how do they have a, who's filming you? Yeah. Turning from the churro stand and being like, you know, you gotta do, you know what I mean? I need that guy. I need a hype man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I don't mind getting it from people that aren't funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like there's people that give you advice or like they show like an artist quote or like that's cool, cause that's your lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. Right, that's the thing. Does it move the dial?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also like, I also want to be the guy who has, who, who is convinced his following that they're just as...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Successful as they are. Oh, I love that. You know what I mean? Yea. They're like, you, we did it guys!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know. But there's, there's a couple classics, uh, in the comedy world where you can pop open on Instagram. Just look at the photos and you're pretty, you feel pretty good about yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it is truly amazing when you do mute, how your head clears. Yes, you're much happier. Yeah, it's like you're not being date raped on social media every time you open it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am so quick right now. I'm going, you know, go through phases. I'm so quick to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Open the phone, hit Instagram. Open the phone, hit, I just, I just keep doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's, that's the problem is I do feel like, I haven't seen a Twitter feed in years, like I just got off Twitter. But I do feel sometimes out of the loop, like I'll kind of, I notice that people are more aware of stories going on than I am, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that I totally regret, but sometimes I feel maybe out of step.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since last time I was here I was like trying to figure out like how you get those heinous things like sent to you and I tried to like hit on a couple but it still reverts back to children and dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said why can't we- I was saying that in my shows this weekend that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we had a president that was in a wheelchair for a long time. FDR, nobody talked about it. He was fighting Hitler, so like, let's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's be qu- like ixnay on the eel chair way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do like, I do like how, how, like they're just running stuff and they're getting things passed and they're just kind of, and it's just boring. That's the way it's supposed to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of that, his power to, I mean, he lives, he's a media monster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was great, he was the one who had the most impact in the third, the third lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way. And then being triumph. Yeah. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had, uh, my kids are leaving now. They're like on their way out. And I, it was the, so I'm very reflecting on like that we went through that whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was thinking when I was changing, yeaah, well I was changing into my workout clothes and when you strip down, I was like, that's an accomplishment there, like my kids didn't see my stuff


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since, you know, probably like, when they were really, really little, like four, you know? Like, that was good, good accomplishment that they didn't have, they're not gonna do podcasts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're really making me want to text my dad. Before it's too late.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yeah, I know. You know, I, I'm booked so heavy in the fall. I think that's already my thing. Part of it. Yeah. And like there's, when I'm on the road, like I'll try and get home first flight. Like there's nothing better than landing at nine on a Sunday in LA so I can get home and start cooking for everybody and like do like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stay out. Yeah. Just, yeah. Fuck em. You know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now I'm just talking to my wife. It's not them, it's her. Right? Yeaah. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's gonna be- Would she come with you maybe? I think she'll come with me more. Uh, like to the good spots. That's it. Which would be cool. Uh, you know the real bummer is that we didn't time out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this year, my special came out in December.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was on tour in January. How?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just didn't think about it. I just had dates and it just literally didn't think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm like, I write these books and I really take time and like write them. Like I sit and just, like you said earlier, like put the hours in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And stand up, I'll get an idea, and I'll bring it on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, I'll say it, and they'll give me some feedback, and then I'll noodle on my pad with it. And it's a slower process, kinda going back and forth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But because I had no time, I'm like, what if I just dedicate this book time to stand up and really just start writing it and get really aggressive with it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had an- I had like a new act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little short, you know, but I had a new act by the time I went out in January. Wow. It really worked. It was about putting the time. Totally worked. Okay, so I need to hear this. Totally worked. And you know, Carlin did it that way. He was alright. He was okay. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was just like, uh, let me just try it. Like, why am I being so stupid about it? This should be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%. And then it got into this rhythm of it where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I would just go to the store and I hadn't written that day, if I just stayed for like a half hour, I would write something out and get, get it kind of funny and then just bring it up on stage. Like literally, which I never did, like really memorize, like a paragraph almost and bring that up and start working on it. It just accelerated it and just made it really fast. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so it was cool, but then I got lazy with it. Then as soon as I had like the act, I haven't really been spending the time. There's definitely a hole right now in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but don't you feel like, I mean you guys do this all the time, and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In your life, you don't have something to talk about all the time, but then you walk in here and it's like all of a sudden, it starts coming out. There's always something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like sitting and thinking, well, I don't have anything really is not true. You know what I mean? You just gotta start. You just gotta kinda like put it out there. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had interviewed Carl Reiner once, and uh, he was like 90 at the time, and I didn't realize he was at the desk where he wrote Dick Van Dyke. He wrote like the first 12 Dick Van Dykes by himself. And he's there at 90, and he has on his big computer screen his new book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's writing another book at 90 and he's just jovial and fun and, and I said, do you ever get writer's block? Like I know this is a hacky question, but do you ever get writer's block? And he's like, no, I never understood it. Sit down and start writing. It's not going to be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the judgement. It's the judgement. You just have to keep plowing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, one of the writers from The Simpsons said that, uh, he would write so fast. I forget which one, like one of the original guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be funny if every chapter alternated farts, tik-toks, farts too, tik-tok too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been done, pay attention to other people. That's it! That you like or don't like and you'll learn from all of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you just walk through a CVS, you think like your body and whatever little problem you have is so unique. And there's just aisles of wart cream. Everybody else has had it. Awesome. Yea, so it'll help you calm down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Phoenix! I'm very excited to announce I'm shooting my next Netflix special Friday, November 4th at the Celebrity Theatre. Tickets go on sale this Wednesday at 10am Pacific Time. The pre-sale code word is Tommy. T-O-M-M-Y. Thank you so much and I'll see you there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Satva. We are huge, huge fans and you know this and the reason that we keep telling you about Satva is because we believe in it. Sleep is so important. You spend such a huge amount of your life asleep. Why wouldn't you invest in making it the best sleep possible?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sleep helps you think clearly, it affects your mood, it affects your performance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get $200 off any mattress of your choice. Satva.com slash this shit. Get yourself a great mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back. Welcome to another episode of your mom's house podcast. Very excited about today's episode. Uh, we got a couple of things to get into. Um, one thing I didn't really get into with you is that I turns out I'm a bit of a savant when it comes to playing blackjack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It becomes like my marker at the table and I can just play with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kind of depends on the mood. Um, and I've been, uh, I've been researching, uh, I was doing language learning stuff for a while, but now I'm doing blackjack, blackjack strategy. Blackjack strategy. Yeah. So I've been watching videos, reading books, memorizing, um, you know, just different hands, what to play, what to do. Um, yeah, it's very exciting. It's very exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I get, I found that I get a little tweaky when I'm not playing. I'll go, I go, I go, hit, hit me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Split, I wanna split the sevens. Split the sevens, like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everyone has that, you know, I do, I do a pretty direct hit me. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also give a very clear, don't fucking give me another card. Don't touch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do you stay? What do you stay on? There's basic, I mean, I'm basic. I don't want to act like I'm an advanced player, but I think, um, you know, it always depends on what the deal is showing, right? So some basic strategy stuff is like dealers showing like a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A two, a three, a four, a five, a six, and you have something below that, you stay because you want to give the dealer the chance to bust, right? So it's like kind of basic stuff, but you know, then you're, you're fucked a lot of times cause it's almost like, goddamn, every other hand, the dealer is showing a face card or a 10 and you're like, you mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, it was fun because it became the, uh, it became the thing that we did as a group. So we all went together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the most you've gotten away, it's gotten away from you though? Yeah? How much has it gotten away from you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And was it on, uh, poker, sports, uh, uh, what kind of game?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that. We were making, we were laughing cause we got, you know, we would have, you get hot runs, I mean it's gambling, right? We would have runs where like table wins and everyone's like winning well and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just these hands that are ridiculous, right? Where like, you have 19...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the dealer, you know, flips and she has seven and then it's like 10, 13, 16, 21. And it would be like, you get, you're like, right? So y'all all look at each other. And then we were all remembering, um, that scene in casino. I think it's in casino where Pesci is playing and he's like, hit me, hit me. You think that's funny? You fucking fat fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We wanted to rip her ears off, as we kept saying, we're gonna rip the dealer's ears off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta wrap this up because I gotta catch that flight. I'm going to Lake Charles this afternoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so, but maybe, you know, it'd be good. Everyone's gotta practice. I don't mind practicing. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not playing till next week. I'm taking this whole week off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'd be like, you leave this fucking piece of shit, huh? He hit, how's he gonna get a 20 on that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll be like, you'll tell your family and he had a soft 18, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright. Well look, we, uh, we're very excited about today. Why don't we take a quick break? Sure. And, uh, we'll be back very soon with our guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back and we are joined by a very special guest. If you would like, if you have not yet seen, uh, there's a fantastic new movie out called Fourth of July. You can see it, you can get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, that's a, that's a, I remember you, um, a few years ago, even saying that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're touring, uh, huge, you're making crazy money. And then you go, I have this excess money. I put it into like something I want to do for fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like create, which I've actually tried to adopt myself to go like, take this money and, and you know, of course enjoy yourself and, and, and consume goods that poor people can't have because it's so much better to show them that you're better. But then do something. That's what makes them good. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uh, hey man, my Patek Philippe counter is off low. Uh, fix that bezel, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you get to do something and I feel like, uh, the same thing kind of applied for 4th of July. You just, you go and you do it. I'm making with my own money. I don't have to take notes and listen to some executive tell me how this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Did you have to do, uhm, covid protocol stuff on set? Yeah, there's a thing in the nose. That costs money too. It does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is nice because it also feels like that is what real life is like. Like every, all of us that have, you know, either are liberal or have liberal friends know, have been around that person's family and their family's like that. Of course, yea. The family of origin sometimes will be like just the polar opposite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and that's the thing, you know, that I think that Shane does too, he's so funny, is that he'll talk about his, you know, family of origin, like his dad, but what he's not doing is going, fuck my piece of shit dad. No he doesn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, and he's aware of what his, what his dad and people like them represent, but it is like with affection. And so you end up, you laugh and you go, part of you goes like, oh yeah, that's my dad or that's my uncle too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my uncle, this might be his point of view, but he's not a, he's not a horrible person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and it's also like people that you see in life too is that when somebody goes, I need to fix myself, then people are threatened by that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a huge fan because I, I remember, I think it's that, you know, when you start doing standup, you want to find.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do the HBO Young Comedians special. You did a, uh, uh, it's a short set. It's like 10, 15. Yeah, it's something like that. 10 minutes. And it was, it was so funny. Like so funny. So I was like, I, I didn't know who you were at that time and it was all kind of unknowns. I think you did, I think Anthony Clark was on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that, that led me to just, uhm, researching you, and I think I, I, I ended up finding, uh, Live in Houston, which was like, and that was like your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like more like absurdist stuff. That's right. Right? And then I think from your site it was like you can also get, I go well I gotta see these guys fucking shorts that you're making. Which was fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can remember there was an episode with one of your daughters where she's like, um, she got that. How come I don't get it? And you're like, well, that's life. Like, you don't always. You're not lucky right now. She's lucky and you're not right now. That's the way that goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, another thing that I've learned watching that show since is like, Bobby Kelly is a tremendous actor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember like when that, when your show was on, um, seeing him the first time and like, I think when the first episode I thought I was like, yeah, he's a really good actor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, okay, how the fuck did you get? I remember when you, I think you sent this email out that like FX, your series is on, I'm like, how do you get your series from FX?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buy DoorDash is a great way to get everything you need. And during the summer of Dash Pass, you can save money and access members-only offers that will help you feel easy and breezy all summer long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so easy to get whatever you need, send somebody to the store to pick something up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With Members Only offers and items dropping every week, you'll have everything you need to make the most out of your summer right at your fingertips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shine bright during DoorDash's Summer of Dash Pass and get 50% off your first order up to a $15 value. Use promo code YMH at checkout when you spend $12 or more. That's 50% off your first order


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It always made me laugh so hard that in that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're with your therapist, and he says, you say something about, like not having friends or something, and he's like, do you think it's because you're fat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This leads me to another question that I wrote here because this is something else I remembered from the FX series. Is there's an episode


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where the character, the actor that played your father on the show, you know, he did the, he would appear a few times. Yeah. Uh, older guy. Oh, uh, F. Murray Abraham? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was hilarious. Best. And there's, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's one episode, I don't remember where, he's, you, you, you go from him talking to you, to you on stage, doing stand up talking about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, your dad giving sex advice? Was that, was that real?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your dad is still alive? Yes. And dad, in Mexico still?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did a show, I did a show. In Budapest? In Budapest, yeah. It was, yeah, it is a scrappy place. I told her I, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I told you this yesterday, when I arrived, it was, it was my first stop on my European tour and the driver was, uh, a guy in his like mid 20s, May late 20s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hungarian, and he spoke some English, but he spoke great Spanish because he played tennis and when he was like a teen his family moved to Spain to try to just see how far he could go with tennis because there was a good tennis program there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when we started speaking in Spanish, uhm, in the car and we're having this chat on the way there and he's like, what are you most excited about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hungarian over the years, obviously, just like, mostly insulting things. So I was like, ah, I can't wait to see the rohatsi guys. And he goes, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other thing that's cool is that the open, like the open racism towards the gypsies is refreshing. You know, like most people have to mask their racism a little bit. But like when I was with that guy, he's like, they are garbage people. They are terrible. They are cockroaches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They always do. It's usually an executive who's very, you know, wants to come, it's like, it's like it's their own, it's that executives own personal taste of language. You're like, yeah, but that's not how people speak in the world. I understand that you might not speak this way, but it's not representative of the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was an intern at, uh, Copeland Entertainment when I first got to LA and they had, uhm, we were doing some, it ended up being a big movie with some thriller. I forget, like, Along Came a Spider or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They let us sit in on one of these big meetings with like, the top producers. And we were going through the script.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the vice president of Copelson was like, and on page, you know, 27, we're going to, uh, remove cunt that somebody says and, um, and say a bitch. And I was an intern, right? And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, I go, uh, why, um, why would you do that? And she's like, it's a foul, it's offensive. And I go, but what if it's supposed to be? Yeah. Like what, like bitch is common. So it's not as offensive, right? So it doesn't have the same bite. That's right. And she was like, okay, in turn, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is why it's I think particularly infuriating when somebody, like let's say a journalist


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think people ever really appreciate, I mean only, only people who have been in your position can appreciate the, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The feeling of, you know, being publicly, like, shamed. And they don't really register, like, and then you don't get to, in many ways, explain it, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right? You know, really, because then you have a lot of people going, oh, poor you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, but there is something to be said about like, hey, that is like a, it's a painful experience, right? Like it's painful to be, to be like looked at a certain way and talked about and you just have to keep that to yourself, you feel like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did you, I never got to ask you this. How did you feel, I don't know when it was, but I think you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had popped in and done a set at like Governors, I remember in Long Island, and it leaked. That's right. Oh yea, such a good set. But, and nobody, like I didn't know you then, what your, whether this was like okay to you, like were you, let it go, was it upsetting, like what was the actual...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a thing people sometimes say when they're upset about a joke, they go, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to see you go up to like somebody on the street and say this to their face and you're like, why would I do that? Why would you like to see me do that? Why would I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a guy say in a clip in an interview that they were like, uh, you know, he's like, experiment, you should try things. And he goes, yeah, I, I blew two guys just to find out that I didn't like it. And I was like, two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She won't do anything with mine. Cause it's so hot and sweaty. Oh, you want stuff in your ass. I mean, mouths, fingers, three dicks, you know, different stuff. Yeah, I mean, all that stuff is appealing to me. Yeah, I mean, I've played with assholes, but it's been, you know, many, many years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, yeah. How long have you guys been married? 35, 7, 4, it'll be 14 years. 14 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We met as kids, basically. Newbies. Open micers. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Here, let me show you something. Do you mind throwing those on for a second? Yeah. I just wanted to get your reaction you can look at. I think it'll play on both, right? Yeah. Uh, this is just fun stuff that we like to show people. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, the guy took the pain well. Pretty well, yea. He could have shattered limbs, but yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you got stung by a bee and you threw up while you were getting buttfucked?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Dude, that's enough. Oh, by the way, I saw a, um, just on scrolling Instagram, uh, uh, a sex therapist. Yeah. You know, in, in doing a podcast who described exactly what your father said. Oh, really? Yes, exactly. How to do it. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely felt guilt a lot because of my intense Catholic upbringing, so I did associate sex with guilt for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the wildest thing is about this? He puts out this message. We're in awe of it. I mean, obviously you are too. I mean, it's so direct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's so, if you wanna piss on me, you can get free rent for leasing a key, just piss on me, beat me. Bring your friend. If you're homeless, you're just out of jail, you got a friend, him too, you just gotta fuck me. Puts this out, and like, one of my first thoughts, I was like, well, this guy's definitely dead, you know? Like, that's what my first thought was. Or he's got, he's got a gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeaah, he's, um, he makes his own hats. He does! Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think to, you know, to prove it to your brother is a cool thing though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I mean I don't, I would like to see him come. Like to see if it's like as intense as he describes it to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's all you need. It's really the problem start when you run out of meth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But to be fair none quite like this. No, this is exceptional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That's a tough thing, right? The decisions of when to not use things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, I'm excited to, uh, to finish it. I'm, I'm, I'm halfway through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched a full episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make sure you head on over to sattvasaattva.com slash the shit and you can get $200 off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I think it was 2016. I remember that, it was 2016. And we had just done, we had just guested a little, previously a few months before, on Nikki Glaser's then Comedy Central show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, we moved. We'd moved to this house. We'd just had Ellis. We moved to this house. And we talked about the fact that I was devastated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think a lot of people love jackets, right? I mean, you said there's something psychological to liking jackets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jacket, so okay, they pulled it up. Episode 344 is the episode. That's how long ago. That's how long ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I keep buying jackets. I keep buying jackets. Right? And I think it's like when somebody like, you know when they go like somebody breaks up with someone and then they're like, I just dated a hundred people but they were all because I was trying to, you know, meet the person I broke up. Like that kind of thing. So I was buying all these jackets trying to fill my empty jacket whole heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I went to Europe and I found the greatest jacket. It was a fucking game changer, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not giving them a plug. Uhm, but I got it, I got it in Paris and it was awesome. And I also got a bunch of cool shit in Paris. I mean, shopping in Europe is a fucking fun thing to do. I had a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, there's the jacket. There it is. That's outside the Louvre in Paris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck the Louvre. I haven't been there in years. Here's the thing. It's way too fucking big, and it's way too fucking busy. It's like Hartsfield Jackson Airport. You're like, what the fuck is going on here? It is way too massive, and there's literally, it feels like there's 500,000 people in the museum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the temperature raises 25 degrees when you walk into that building. It's chaos. Do they have an amazing collection? Obviously, yes. It's the most world class museum in the world, but I would go to the Prado in Madrid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to two museums in Paris. I went to the Prado in Madrid. I went to another museum in Copenhagen. I went to a lot of museums.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, well, both. I mean, we went to, uh, to see a modern exhibit. After the Louvre, we went to the modern exhibit to see the, uh, uh, Basquiat, uhm, uh, Andy Warhol. They had a Colabo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where else did we go to a museum? I think we went to a museum. Oh yea, we went to two museums in Budapest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they also had some, they also had some modern stuff. We went there. Uhm, so yeah, we saw a lot of art. I know, I'm so bummed. I just was honestly so turned off by the experience at the Louvre. The one thing that was cool was getting a guide. We signed up for one of the guided tours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it was a quick one. They do like a quick, they show you just like three or four and it ends at the Mona Lisa. And him breaking down, uhm, you know, what's happening in the Mona Lisa as not just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Technically, but like some of the meaning, like if you split the painting down the middle, and it's like saying basically goodbye to youth and, and kind of like aging, like that, that explanation I had never heard before. I didn't know that she was an aging broad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so if you split the painting right down the middle,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that, that explanation of like, that the painting symbolizes two parts of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody conceives of this and executes it is pretty incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that part was cool, you know, the youth and the vitality and beauty and then the acceptance of that leaving you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even just standing in that room with all the people, it's just, I don't know. It's like, it's the same reason I don't like theme parks and I don't like concerts at fucking amphitheaters. Like I just can't do it. I can't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funny thing is they go, the lady, the concierge, I remember at the, at the, excuse me, the consigliere at the, uhm, hotel was like, the terror house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the visceral fat, yeah, it attaches to your organs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, uh, yeaah. The Fat Machina is in theaters. Go see that. Uhm. You guys know what to do with the poster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go check that out and send him some clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I still, I still think this, I remember doing, and then, you know, I got it too, I got a lot of fat shaming from the, uhm, from that era. Uhm, and one of the things we talked about back then, you can take this down, is the fact that when people lie to you, it's not good. Like it hurts to hear the truth, but it helps too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It helps when people tell you the truth. And we were both saying back then how much it sucks, and I still think it sucks, when someone's like, yeah, you look good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yes. And so we just like, we had the conversation, we had those conversations and it's like, hey, you know, I like to know. I like, I like the realness of it. Um, I still get it. Like, you know, I have a trainer I'm with all the time. It was like, Hey man, I've seen you like picking at food all day today and yesterday. You know what I mean? Like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, I could be like, just don't fucking, I don't wanna hear that shit, but I'm just like, you know what? I appreciate the honesty. I should dial, I should dial it in. Yeah. And uhm, and like, you know, focus. Like, so I mean, you know, gotta love Burt, but uhm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like a pregnant trans woman. Like a pregnant trans man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like you should know, but you should, like, I believe in this, like, and not everybody does. So when I say this, let me be clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying my way is the only way. I'm saying what works for me is I'd rather just be like, I'd rather just know. I'd rather be told you've been slacking. You're looking like you're, you need to lose weight again. Like, you know, I just, I'd rather that than weight gain 40 pounds. And then I go like, do I need to lose weight? And you're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We worked out a lot in Europe. I would say we probably only didn't do, didn't do something on maybe like five days of that whole trip. Uhm, but still we were eating in a lot of places, eating rich, you know, like indulgent stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're in nice restaurants and yeah, it's still like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For people that don't know, this has long been a thing, right? Where, you know, you talk about the different places in the world, and people would always say, oh, like, English food is dog shit, right? Like, there's great things about each culture, and then sometimes they go, well, you know, if you want great food, you go to Italy, you go to France.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then one of the things that happened over the last decade was there's been this whole thing of like, hey guess what, there's great food in London. Which I believe that there is, but we sure didn't fucking run into it. Didn't find it. There was, I mean, we couldn't get a fucking egg cooked correctly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Terrible. No, we're definitely split on the monarchy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they, they, yea, of course, cause we would do like such clown ass accents. We were talking to regular folks. We were like, where do you think I'm from? Talking like, eh? And they were like, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that first of all was hilarious. That she's like, you know, William and Kate will be fans of yours. I was like, I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basketball fans, you already know what time it is. The NBA Finals are here, which means it's your last chance to get in on all the action this season with my partners over at DraftKings Sportsbook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today's video sponsor DraftKings is bringing the high stakes action to all new customers. New customers who bet just $5 will get $200 in bonus bets instantly. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use the promo code MOM to bet on the last games of the season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wondering what you could use $200 in bonus bets on? Try DraftKings Same Game Parleys, where you can combine multiple bets from the same game into one big bet for a shot at an even bigger payout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instantly. That's promo code MOM only at DraftKings Sportsbook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so fun. It was actually, thank god we did it in that order, cause that tour started in Eastern Europe, and it came west, and the shows went from basically like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six, seven hundred seat venues to arenas. It was crazy. I was like, it would have been a real bummer to start the arenas and then go down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And those crowds were incredible. There, Birmingham.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bel-Fat Dublin show was so insane. So insane. We were, he had been coronated, I think, that day maybe? Charles!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, the Irish are not too fond.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so I just, I opened with Fuck the King. And first I heard the pop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said it and I was like, oh, you know, it's just a fun way to like get a show started. I say it and it gets a pop and then the applause just continues and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was really fun though. It was one of those moments where you're like, you'll never be able to duplicate this because it was the day of the coronation. So it's, it's not just saying it, it's saying it on the day that it happens. You'll never be able to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Duplicate that, that feel. It's like, I remember when I did Las Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With Chappelle and Rogan the week that Vegas opened after the pandemic. So the pandemic has shut everything down in Las Vegas and then they open it up and the first big show is Chappelle and Rogan at the MGM Arena.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they invited me to open. So, I wasn't announced, but I just, when they announced me on the stage, I walked to the stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, I've never had a reception quite like, like it was, it was giving me goosebumps. I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they were, everybody was so jazzed to be out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done Vegas a hundred times and shows where you're like, this is an incredible reception, but you can't manufacture people being cooped up for two years and then going, here's a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it does. It looks a lot like him. I think Brett actually has that jacket too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then he was like, at first he was like, we will talk about sex. I'm like, oh, he's one of those guys. I want to have conversations. Then he goes right to, and there'll be pussy shots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shows his ass. And then, uh, cool guys always do like, if you want to get involved, you can't be shy. Like, tells the girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a cool angle to say goodbye into. He puts it right down by his cock. And he's like, look up at me. It's so fucking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Strong. You gotta do it when you don't want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is so amazing. Now here's the thing. It's so amazing. So do you know what Humans of New York is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for people that don't know, this is a lane that exists in Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And actually I think it's one of the more, uhm, like, valuable types of feeds, cause you can really get lost in complete nothingness, as many, as we all do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meaning like, you know, these photos of hot people or things, stuff, and you're like, you can just get lost in that. Then there's some, there's, there's accounts that have some intrinsic value. In other words, like there's some, you know, nature can be something of value.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody like a Ryan Holiday who's giving life meaning, like, you know, so you're actually getting something from this endless, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] refreshing of like looking at shit. And the reason I like accounts like humans of New York is that it's the accounts that essentially the premise is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody has a story, right? And meaning that you walk down the street and you walk by a thousand nameless people, actually everybody really does have something. And there's multiple accounts like this, but Humans of New York, what it does is they'll take a photo of somebody and they'll do something like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like this right here, right? And they'll tell, it's just a photo of this dude and you might see this dude walking down the street and then you go like, well, who is this? And they get a quote from him and he said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we also had each other for happiness. All of us were going through the same thing. The whole family shared a single camera, a point and shoot. Everybody got a turn and it got used a lot. Today, if you go into my home or my dad's home, you're going to find a bunch of albums.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever we get together, we'll take them out. It's mainly just photos of the day to day stuff. Birthdays, holidays, maybe a picture of us all sitting at a table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of what, not only this guy's life is, but what somebody's story can be, right? Like this guy chose to talk about this in this moment, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what the account is normally full of. It's just like, you know, it's just those kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, philosophical view on what, so I'm looking at, I just happen to be mindlessly refreshing and I know this account and I land on this one and I go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so unbelievable. I was gonna share it with you, but I was like, I don't want to share it with you. Just yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, I wanted to say it for the show, and I think we're gonna end up talking about this for years to come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you ready? Okay, okay, here we go. Like, that's how it starts, like porn star level sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ever since I was a teenager, I worked as an exotic dancer for a long time. I used to have long red hair, I've been on the cover of romance novels, and I've also been gifted with great hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I once wrote a book called The Extension of the Female Orgasm. I lost it in an old computer. But, needless to say, I can make things happen with the human body. I'm kinda lucky downstairs. I've done the work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's pumps and stuff that can make your ding ding thicker and longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When women give you guidance and you're willing to listen, there's no limit to what you can do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I once provided thousands of orgasms over a five year period.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called Montaxia's Microcosmic Orbital Energy Raising.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a Taoist lovemaking technique where you don't release your seed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You pull all your vital energies back into you and spiral your electric body to create a really powerful connection. Too powerful, honestly. It needs to be disclosed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because most people don't even realize you can take sex way deeper into an abyss of orgasmic pleasure. It's intergalactic if you do it properly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to somebody's house that I hadn't seen for two years. We were just having dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop. With all these pictures and different candles, I had to learn that I was hurting people emotionally, spiritually, and even physically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And part of being a better person is to put the other person's feelings first. So now I tell you right from the start, the complete honest truth. You're an amazing person, enchantingly beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'd rather just be friends, instead of having amazing sex that is probably gonna make you hate me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he does everything. He does everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, first of all, there's so much here, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, when you say like porn, the funny thing about saying like porn star level sex is I know what you're implying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's not actually, it doesn't actually suggest that you're good at sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A porn star to show me, like, a great, like, a porn star's gonna drill you. Like, do you want to get drilled? Slap, slap, slap, slap. Or do you want to have amazing...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Orga. So it's like, it's funny that they don't really align. It's one of the things that stood out to me. Like, why would you reference porn star? Because a porn star is not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's supposed to be a great lover that elicits org- it's literally like, do you want-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that was my point. I was like, that's a really interesting thing to cite. Sure. Then, it's, I'm, first of all, I have amazing hands. Let's see that. I'm lucky down, yea, I'm lucky downstairs. So he's like, I'm blessed, I'm well endowed. Okay. It also stands out to me that one of the things I think you find in life is very few people who are really good at something need to tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If a guy's like, I can beat, I can fuck some dude up, like I'll beat your ass. It's usually an untrained, like a guy that doesn't train jiu jitsu or boxing or Muay Thai. Like that's who boasts about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kinda like you see it in like every skill set. The most skilled people don't talk about how skilled they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just funny that a guy's like, I make women weep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many, there's so many lines in here that are, that are so amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, I mean, the final line, like this, when I did, um, improv and like sketch school stuff, like second city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if this was a character write up, they'd be like, you can skip the next level. Like this, you, this character is amazing. But to end with, I'd rather just be friends instead of having amazing sex that is probably gonna make you hate me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that end summary of like, also it's like the level of delusion that one has to have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine having the perfect, this is how he described himself. Imagine meeting me, aka, having the perfect steak at your favorite restaurant. That's, that is his metaphor for himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one is ever gonna measure up to me so I stay away from people now. Cause I don't wanna hurt you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want you to be hurt by how fucking great I am. So I cut myself off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, by the way, the practice that he's talking about, is this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We a thousand percent have to contact this guy too. We gotta know. For what we were talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? But we need to up our efforts. Okay. Reach out to the agents, like get, let's try to see, and then let's try to get him to put his hands on Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basketball game is right around the corner? Yes. And uhm, any?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's excited, uh, just to recap, the game is 2-11 by 1s and 2s. You're playing Ryan, who also is a guy that works here at YMH. My boss, yes. Your boss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, you haven't played basketball in many years, you told me. Uhm, he played a lot of basketball growing up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're very excited. There are stakes. What are the stakes? Will you recap them so that the audience knows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shoes. We're gonna take, hey man, no shoes for a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I mean, let me see here. I got this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying to get Annie's appetite wet here. Uhm. Oh, that's some bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know, I just played a little hoop, I got my shit straight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You achieve that goal and now you get to reap the rewards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, gentlemen, thank you so much for my soundboard. You really got it lined up. What's up with these ones with a circle and a line through them? What's that all about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I immediately thought of YouTube flagging things when I saw this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a business coach. Can you imagine you sign up for a business, you're like, I'm going to this business seminar. I don't know. I'm just trying to like dial in my business smarts. Like this guy is really experienced. And then that comes at you and you're like, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't say like, the rest of the world thinks this, and we got a show that he goes, we are! Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what she's asking is, how do you say that without saying that? Like what's the affi- The polite corporate speech. What he should have said is basically, a lot of the world thinks we're weak. Weak. You know? Or- Been emasculated? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're being soft! You know? That's the, like, most people in a business setting don't talk like this. Which is why it makes it hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's definitely. I'm not, I'm not seeing anything else with circles around it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is so much fun. I'm so excited to have this. Seriously? My favorite. Alright, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. And we're back and you can check out our guest's podcast, Steph Infection. Put your hands together for Steph Tolub, everybody. Let her hear it. Thank you for coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and how have you, like, LA is a weird place to move to. I mean, like, has it been a rough ride? Did you enjoy it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm hearing like static. Can I move it? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did, yea. Oh, okay. Yea. Yea, I had to move the fucking broadleaf's phone out here. You gotta fucking move it. Fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, okay, we were just talking out in the lobby, uhm, what happened at the store? Cause I, I, you said this, I was like, oh, save it. Oh, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you set up, uhm, cause I've, I said I've seen, you know, clips of you. What do you do when you're doing the road? You just have, you set up your own camera? What do you do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you need it though, right? And then how do you pick your spot? Like what do you do? Like where do you pick your spot for it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then do you also do- do you do audio from the board? Like do you get-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell me what you think of this guy though, because we were just so... I hate this man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is totally genuine in that he's the most gifted lover ever, that he's so good that he feels guilty for what he's done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I quote, I once provided thousands of orgasms over a five year period without ejaculating a single time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. There is something. There is a term, I know what you're saying, there's a term for this. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this guy says it's Montauk's Chia's microcosmic orbital energy raising, but I was thinking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you said yoga. See, these guys are fucking horseshit. The yoga guys, I'm fucking connected. The chakras are opening. This angle is bullshit, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When he's done, did you have to go like, that was wonderful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, it's an angle. My point is just that it's an angle. Like, it's like the, like, look, you want a guy who sees, um, women as equals is good. A guy who, like, wears it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's like, I'm effeminate. Like you're like, okay, this energy is a little much and I don't, I just don't believe that it's genuine. So it's like, it's an angle. Like you're selling it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's got the uh, HQIs, the high quality individuals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just for the record, for the record, I piss and shit in women's bathrooms all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes they're there, sometimes they're not, but if I have to go, I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I did, I did. Somebody once had the, the pitch, they were like, wouldn't it just be great though, if you just knew, like you, when you saw someone, you saw, you also saw them naked, just for a moment, and then you're like, I know what I'm dealing with, and that was it. Like you just, I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best is that I watched it when I was there. The best is that the host is like, and what do you think? Uh, and she's like, well, I don't like his balls much. And she's like, oh yeah, I could see that. They're really tight. I don't really like them tight. And then they just kind of move. They're like, disregard him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's him talking about it. Well anyway, they are like, dude, like they hang down where you're like, you look like a fucking 80 year old man's balls here, man. They're really crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to enter this kind of realm of masculinity in a way. Like, the energy of performing is all- and like, the talking shit, or like, what the fuck are you wearing? Like, that feels like masculine energy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when you leave and you want to interact with a man who you might be interested in, you know, some people would say you might want to, you have to kind of, you feel the need to shift it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't mind if you don't mind. I go, no I mind. He peed in the bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if a guy sleeps in your bed, you gotta change it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, I definitely don't do the like, and come see the two of us together at the- You never did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The competitive thing is weird. I remember the couples, cause I'm kinda removed from it now after all these years, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we were really grinding it out in those earlier days in LA, there was a bunch of other comedy couples. And then so many of them had such an unhealthy dynamic that they kind of drove. Like they were making it that way. No one else was making it that way. And it was rooted in this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think asses do something primal to men though, where like tits are kind of like elective, you know? They're like, hmm, I like, but like, I think it fucking does a switch, and you don't, normally aren't a creep, so you don't go like, I'm gonna take photos or stare at asses with, but I think that's actually what's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was great. What did I see? I don't understand. So I think what we're seeing is this bouncer is a woman, and she like, sort of aggressively shoved one away. Maybe she did another one before, then was like, get the fuck out of here to these like, three chicks, and then one of them was like, you're assaulting women! She was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that didn't know that. You could drink too much piss and then you get manic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you have to deal with the fact that you don't have all the healing properties that you normally...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody also just tagged us in a video that we had made fun of some like, uh, menstrual blood worshiper, you know? And she, she did, she tagged all of us and was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And does it- does it coincide with the moments of pleasure? Or is it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because that's kind of like the, the theater of it is that they go like. The theater. Well the theater of, of like when you, if you see it in like a porn, it's like, here comes pleasure. Yeah, and that's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's not, this is my second favorite clip of all time. Here's my favorite clip of all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's also, this is the kind of guy who would probably like, if you went on a date, he'd be like, you wanna see something cool?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone's always gonna have something. If like, if he's your dream guy and he's just like, here's how you do a roundhouse kick, you just gotta kinda roll with it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the big thing is, you can't emasculate him in those, like, you can't, if he really is this guy, it means that he really is, he takes that seriously, so you have to be like, oh wow, like, that's badass. You're like John Wick, that's fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? I don't know why the uhm, the Madonna stuff, uhm, kinda makes me more angry. Like the Britney stuff, I'm like, this person is really sad. I love her shit. I'm so glad we've-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's fun with the kids. They'll be like, dad, how old are you? And I'll be like, I'm 44. And then like, and I go, but I'm, mom's much older than me. Mom, you'll be 50 soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy contacts you because he heard you say it would be impressive. He's just like, I saw podcasts. You like this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is an age, by the way. It's like when the, it's when you go, you know what? I'm not trying. Like they just go like, I like beer, I like sausage. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, go see her on the road, Raya. Do the right fucking thing. Yea, for God's sakes. For Christ's sake. And everybody out there, you know, clean your genitals, smell nice. And, uhm, yeaah. We hope to see you again. Thanks, Steph. Thank you!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We love Sotva Mattress Company. People ask me, Christina, do you really have Sotva mattresses in your house? The answer is yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes we do. Every single mattress in our home is made by Saatva. The ones my children sleep on, the one Tom and I sleep on, even in our guest room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how much I love this company. And I sought them out years ago, about a decade ago now, because I wanted a king size mattress, but I didn't want to spend a lot of money. And you're thinking to yourself, well how can they do that? How can it be so much less? Well, because they don't have overhead


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For physical shops, for salespeople, and it's a solid quality product for a very good price. Their customer service is excellent. You get a 90 day free in-home trial. If you don't like the mattress, send it right back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, easy in-home setup and delivery. They really are just the greatest company to buy your mattress from. So now, go to sotva.com slash the shit for $200 off. That's sotva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next mattress purchase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking morning. Somebody on uhm, you know on Instagram, in the DMs, you can put your updates. Someone wrote, it's fucking morning. Love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, super cool moment. If you haven't checked out our TikToks, uh, your mom's house studios, your mom's house is our TikTok account.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And right before we were rolling, I had food stuck in my teeth and I didn't have dental floss. And I got to show everybody how I pull a string from my sock and floss. And Heather was just here by the grace of God and she got it. And Nazav got to watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different, differentness, or, cause like, don't you get some kind of superpower?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit, so like, that's a- okay, you see that, those two apples?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're inferior. I'm like a shelter dog. I'm not a pure breed, but I'm more resilient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It fills up your retina, semen, you just feel it come in your eyeballs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, do you think our kids are colorblind? I mean, this is very prevalent in males.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause now I'm worried that every time I've had strep it's because I accidentally-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like when you get pink eye, that's when you put shit in your eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is a TikTok account where all this guy does is cave dive with you and he takes this camera


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, the best part is he's like, I have to exhale now to get through. I mean, how do you do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even when she's on her monthly bill and she's probably like, I don't really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool that their kids know. She's like proud parents of a 22 year old son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she had four babies, and like, you know, postpartum, after your vag is ripped out four times and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have a family like I do, you know how much your loved ones depend on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a worst case scenario, you wouldn't want them to worry about money. I mean, look, you're an adult, you got kids, you got people that depend on you. You need to have life insurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Policy Genius was built to modernize the life insurance industry. Their technology makes it easy to compare life insurance quotes for America's top insurers in just a few clicks to find your lowest price. With Policy Genius, you can find life insurance policies that start at just $25 per month for $1 million of coverage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some options offer coverage in as little as a week and avoid unnecessary medical exams. Policy Genius has licensed agents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Head to policygenius.com slash mom or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We used to nut a lot, but we were in our twenties when we got together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This chick is, yeaah, she's out there. But the right guy will, the addict. Yeaah. That guy that's like, you know, he's, yeaah, that's addictive stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I, can I tell you a Pajitski effect I had? Totally, it's not about coming at all. So I hope that's okay. I feel like we're ready to move on. Can I tell you what I've been doing for fucking 45 years, 46 years?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I'm on a trip, go to the airport, my wallet is in my backpack or whatever the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I stop, get my content, my idea, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can pull out my ID and tip money before I even get in the car on the way to the airport. So it's not like a panicked moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what I've been doing, I take my ID out and my tip money out and then I shove it in my bra like my grandmother did, like my old lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not supposed to say, you're supposed to say developing country. You have to correct yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like central Europe, like Hungary was considered second world. I'm sure now it's first. Second world was initially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, nobody pays attention in those second world countries, so who's in the second world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, okay, the second world was the so-called communist bloc, the Soviet Union, China, Cuba, and friends. I like how they call it friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but it does imply like USA number one, number two is the Soviet Union.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so back in the day, the Cold War, it was the West versus Soviets, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thinking of these three factions, French demographer Alfred Seville wrote of three worlds, one planet. So it was the frogs who came up with this idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here we go. Developing countries sounds like it might be a better choice. On the surface, it seems accurate. We're writing about countries that need to develop better healthcare systems, better schools, better ways to bring water in. Okay, some people in these so-called developing countries are fine with the term. Okay, so what's the wrong with that, you fucking pussies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tricks of the trade through that, those beginnings of like, I need a beeper or.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like how do you learn to be a drug dealer? Is it trial and error? Yea, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how do you prevent against getting robbed? So how did you learn not to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spoiled kid on. Okay, I have some technical questions for you, Johnny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you kept the drug supply in your home where you lived, correct? Is that what you're saying? You lived with a guy? No, it was a different location.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, theoretically, what's wrong with burying it in your mom's garden? So what's the problem?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So hold on, so what are you like taking a nap? What ha- how do you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's interesting because what you said in the very beginning is that when you did this in high school, he didn't turn a profit. You didn't turn a profit, you said, for the first four years. Like he was really for the love of the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So sorry, they raid your house for cash, right? So how does that happen? What's the tip off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys, these officers, it sounds like they're, they're throwing swag around. Are they, do they talk to you like in the movies or like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what I was gonna ask you. At this point, I mean, I would maybe fucking take off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever, like, bro, like talk to Cam as a human ever after? Like, what's up dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you about food snacks? Uhm, we've had Danny Brown, I loved his stories about cooking and making treats. Was there a special prison treat that you enjoyed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, oh yes, unfortunate that you can have one that's not controlled by...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the fucking gatekeepers. Exactly. So you strike me as a really intelligent, like, red.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The coca growers, you know what I mean? Cocaine is a far better drug than fentanyl. It's a far better drug. Clean, right? If it's, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what I do believe is that unless you make


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are making the mistake, you're trying to make a difference first. Because that's politically correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe with all my heart, and I just told Brian this is an announcement, an exclusive, that political correctness is a manifestation of lack of fucking self-esteem! Because you're all cunts!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what I do believe is that unless you make


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wealth, you have fewer choices. I have a lot of choices, more than most people in this room, almost everybody in this room, because I've created wealth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are making the mistake, you're trying to make a difference first. Because that's politically correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe with all my heart, and I just told Brian this is an announcement, an exclusive, that political correctness is a manifestation of lack of fucking self-esteem! Because you're all cunts!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been called a lot of things in my life, but I mean a cunt's not one of them. Because you cunts all want everybody to love you. I don't want anybody to love me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A mom should not have to look over her shoulder when she's pumping gas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I voted against the early release of violent criminals and I opposed defunding the police. Look, if you hate cops just because they're cops, the next time you get in trouble, call a crackhead. I'm John Kennedy and I approve this message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Los Angeles. I'm having a book event June 23rd. It is Live Talks LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be a book event where there will be signings and a long discussion about the book. I'd love to see you there. Click the link in the description below and get tickets. Love to see you there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our good friends at Saatva continue to make the greatest mattresses you can sleep on. And they do it for an amazing price because they are online only. They don't have a storefront and employees and overheads for that kind of stuff. So they pass those savings on to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is top tier stuff and a lot of companies charge the price of a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for a mattress, not with Satva, you get an incredible price and incredible product.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can have a mattress that you would find at a luxury hotel. You can get a memory foam mattress. You can get a mattress that vibrates and moves up and down. Whatever your preference, they have it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's environmentally friendly, incredible customer support, and just a great mattress you're gonna sleep better. Go to SATVA, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit for two hundred dollars off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and our youngest said, I hate you. I'm very sick, actually. I shouldn't be doing this. I uhm, I'm on a lot of meds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zyrtec, Advil, an antibiotic, a prescription cough suppressant, uhm, mind bullet, some kratom to get me like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, something else I took some, uh, music next to the M and, um, one other thing. Anyway, um, this is a, an unwise choice, but we prioritize this podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our health is in jeopardy, so sometimes I don't react the, uh, the way that I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On my emotional reactions? Yeah. And like, yeah. What? I can't blame my sickness on that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember when we were in the LA studio and we had somebody come


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To do a estimate on the uhm, soundproofing. Oh, I remember. I remember. I go, how'd it go? He goes, we can't do it. And I go, why? He goes, it's a fucking Israeli guy, dude, we're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he raised it again. That's what they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The day I met him, because you had prefaced it and he said that he tells them it's already, it's not for sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said because they like to, uh, like, um, haggle too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I've, I don't know if I've told this before, I did real estate in Boston for like, uh, you know, a summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, obviously there's discrimination laws for a reason. And some of these owners were old as fuck, Boston, you know, hardcore. And like when I was a new, I'm a new agent to the realtor, the office would be like, go meet this person who owns this building.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe like some old Boston lady and she'd be like, uh, so just so you know, I want Asians and I want women. Don't bring me any other shit. And I was like, ah, okay. And I was like to my boss, I was like, can we do that? And he's like, well, no, but you're gonna. I was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what she was like. She was like, I want Asians and women, and if they're both, we're good to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, to you, you're a fucking white piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a black roommate in college, uh, for a summer, by far the best roommate. Really? We called him the mayor of black, because like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, I mean, his room was always clean. He was always fucking a lot of different girls. Good for him. And uhm, they would like, like scream, like, oh, they'd be like, oh, Tony, man, like scream it. We would be in there like, oh my God, he's really laying the pipe down on this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, he would be like, I'd be like, uh, hey, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time we, we got into the apartment and it was like after the first of the month and we go in the kitchen and all the cabinets are full of groceries, like new groceries, like cereals, snacks, bread, sandwich meat, all this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you as a, I'm a fucking horny dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably less horny than I was twenty years ago. You know what I mean? Like I'm fucking, I'm a dirty... But even your dull, the forty...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, scrambled spice channel stuff. And then, I mean, I would, you know, cause I've always looked 35 years older than I am. I went to a strip club when I was 14, 15. And they were like, hello, sir. Like, here's a table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, yeah, another sidebar. One of my friends flew with Miss Peggy a few weeks ago and he pointed out, he goes, yo, she's way fuckin' bigger than you think she is. Like, she is a big ol' bitch.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean the fucking- No. You don't have to-


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[Assistant] Because here's the thing, if you're buying the old broad, or the fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're buying the fucking left tackle for the titans.


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[Assistant] You're doing that to like pat yourself on the back. Like look what I did.


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[Assistant] Right, right, right. But, again, the majority, you know how there's like a whole thing, like the majority? Yea. The majority of men want their dick to get hard.


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[Assistant] Well, you ready to open the show? Sure. Well, if you don't want to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, maybe you can listen to this.


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[Assistant] Landscape is designed with fathers in mind and the Performance Package 4.0 is here just in time for your pops special day. Inside this package, you'll find their Lawn Mower 4.0 Trimmer, Weed Whacker, Ear, and Nose Hair Trimmer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks to their advanced SkinSafe technology, the Lawn Mower 4.0 is waterproof.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you eat the same healthy thing. Same boring thing. Well the whole key, I mean everybody knows what you should do, but the real key to weight loss is consistency.


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[Assistant] Dude, it was wild. It was wild. I go, you're not drinking water. And this motherfucker, he would literally, I would see him go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he'd be like, I did. And then he wasn't, that wasn't a bit. Like he was like, see? I'm like, that water's full and that's like, like 12 ounces. And he's like, yeah, I just drank some. It's not what I mean. It didn't register to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On Wednesday, I was like, right? I was like, yeah. And I had salmon Monday. I'm like, okay. What else did you have that day? He was like, Oh, I don't know.


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[Assistant] I mean I was telling, I told, uh, Mark Bell, uhm,


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[Assistant] Then when he got the stint in his heart, which was like, I don't know, more than 10 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like a month later, he had like the widow, he had 98% blockage in an artery. So they caught it, like right in time. And they opened that artery and I'm talking to them like, where are you? So I can just hear he's somewhere. I'm at McDonald's. I'm like, you're at McDonald's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just fucking had a stint put in. He goes, now the arteries open.


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[Assistant] That didn't scare you into changing your ways. He's like, it's just an egg McMuffin. Jesus. I'm like, you want to get some oatmeal or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yesterday, it was my publication day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd Like to Play Alone, Please is available in bookstores, uh, small and large. It's a hard copy. Ebooks, audiobooks, I talk about it all. Blacks, gays, retarded, everything. Get a copy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's either, you know, have AIDS and do your show or, you know, just go in for treatment.


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[Assistant] But thank you, I appreciate you saying that. I worked really hard on that. I know you did. And uhm, I've had uhm, some good reviews, which is nice, you know, it's so, you feel so vulnerable writing. It's same, you know, when you do a special, you're also, you know, that first thing, you're like, and then you get that first, like, you're like, oh my god, someone so liked my special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels good. I think you almost feel more naked with the written word because there's no performing of it. There's no filter. Yea, you're just like, just read it. You know, but anyway, I'm glad it's out. It's done.


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[Assistant] Yeah, because men, you know, we're logical, we get things done.


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[Assistant] So mommies are very important, the feminine is very important. Who are, in this world, warriors? You know, it's usually men, right?


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[Assistant] And the reason is because other men go shut the fuck up.


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[Assistant] Shut up. You're either cut out for this or you're not.


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[Assistant] That's what, and they do shit, they're like, here's why you're fucking fat, fuckface.


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[Assistant] Women do the thing where they go like, oh, this is the craziest one to me. Somebody can lose like 50 or 100 pounds, right? Yea. And they'll be like, you look amazing, but you know what? You looked amazing before you lost this weight. Lies, lies. It's like, no you didn't. You looked amazingly fat.


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[Assistant] You looked like shit. Everybody thought you were ten pounds of shit in a two pound bag when you were fucking three whatever.


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[Assistant] That's what men do. They're like, no, no, no, no. You look like shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't understand this. I feel like a lot of women too push this, uhm, we shouldn't comment.


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[Assistant] On people's body types. That's a narrative of like, you shouldn't comment. But you know who comments on people's body types?


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[Assistant] Everybody, at least in private they do. Even the people who sell that speech.


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[Assistant] They'll say like you shouldn't, and then if you pull that, I've been with those people. You pull them aside and you're like, have you seen?


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[Assistant] And they're like, yeah, Jesus, oh my God, something's going on with them, need to get their shit under control. Because it's the foundation of human beings, is looking at other human beings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we're wired to be attracted or not attracted to somebody.


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[Assistant] So you go like, and even if it's the sex that you're not sexually attracted to, you still register. You're like, I'll go like, that's an attractive man. It's automatic. And why? Well, look at his face, look at his body. That's an unattractive man. Here's why. You just do it automatically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the opposite sex, it's your brain going, you actually categorize them as like, attractive people, unattractive.


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[Assistant] Yeah. So this whole idea, if you wanna, if you wanna sign up for, let's not comment on people's body types, you go ahead and live in La La Land. Okay. Go back to Russia. I'll fucking stay in reality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like the world is anti-russian now. I hope so. With this latest thing, I mean the world is basically like, the fuck are you doing?


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[Assistant] Well, true. I mean, not only people hate the Russian people, but I'm saying as a government, that is like number one villain.


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[Assistant] But I mean, now she looked good, but she also looked good before she lost that weight.


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[Assistant] You see on the left there? Absolutely looks just as good as on the right.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I wanna hear more of what, uh, this, uhm, what was his name?


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[Assistant] Expensive pair we've worn. Durable frames and extremely clear polarized lenses for outdoor living and beyond. That's not all. Shaderace offers the most insane protection in all of eyewear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every pair is backed by lost and broken replacements. If you lose or break your pair, even on day one, they told us they will send you a brand new pair. No questions asked. Get as crazy as you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This summer, and wear your Shady Rays with confidence.


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[Assistant] If you don't love them, exchange for a new pair or return them for free within 30 days. I love my Shady Rays and I have taken them everywhere. Exclusively for our listeners, Shady Rays is giving out their best deal of the season. Go to ShadyRays.com, use the code HOUSE50.


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[Assistant] For 50% off two or more pairs of polarized sunglasses, try for yourself the shades rated 5 stars by over 200,000 people.


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[Assistant] By the way, this would've worked for me immediately. At my heaviest, I would've seen this guy and been like, God, I'm so stupid.


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[Assistant] I mean don't you just, I feel like everybody should just brush those people. We don't have time for your nonsense. I agree.


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[Assistant] You know, we're out here like, we're in the real world.


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[Assistant] You just need to re-frame what you think of when you use the word man. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] It's, it should be taught in schools. You know, when you're teaching kids, you should be like, just so you know, men can be.