[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think in my generation it's like Santa Claus. It's like we're going to bullshit you until you figure it out. You know, cause we don't, and I don't blame them for not feeling comfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm just thinking it'd be so, it's so weird for him to find out that you were going to end up making a lot of money talking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, let's start with the kid could just drive off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, if I, if I even said, hey, you gotta move your car, I'd be talking about it the rest of the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't understand how much fucking, uh, trauma and just Vietnam flashbacks are in the back of that head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To like talk that much shit. And they're, they're in a fuck position because he's telling


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So, so the kid's in a bad position because like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In order to avoid the confrontation, he's gotta drive away. But he doesn't want to drive away because he wants to win the fucking fight. And he's like thinking he's just gonna wait it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in a bad position. I always notice too that like, young people, as soon as they get in a fight, they get like really street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I know I had a really smart mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and I think, and, and things snapping in my head, I'm like, I can't believe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ever said that. One time it blew up in my face when I was 14. Uh, there was, I was in homeroom and there was like morning announcements and this brother, he was actually a Catholic brother. Uh, what do you call it? A monk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something like that, I don't even know. My education was shit, uh, apparently, but, but, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he did the end of the announcement. He's like, does anyone else have any announcements to make? And this pretty girl goes, ask him why his shirt is untucked. And I'm like, yeah, I have an announcement. Why is your shirt untucked? And everyone's like, baaaaaaah, because we weren't allowed to wear our shirts untucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, what are we gonna do with you? And he bitched me out for like two minutes, holding me by my neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this. And this back in the day when you didn't go, mom, the teacher did this. You'd be like, I hope my mom doesn't find out about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like full metal jacket. Fuck. The catholic ears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Yeah. So, but I didn't really equate that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just like, I'm an asshole, I'm a smart mouth. This is specific to me. And it was. I didn't see that anywhere else the next four years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He needs you to be the guy. He needs me to be the guy. He needs you to be the guy so he can set his sights on you so he has a fucking villain in his life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause this is night time, right? Cause this guy had a shit day. And now he's coming after you. And you don't feel bad about it cause you're big enough to defend yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something similar, not exactly the same, but one time when I was first starting to make films, I lived in Baltimore and I was doing a scene. I was an actor and I had a gun pointed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is in downtown Baltimore and I have a gun pointed at my friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just hear, it's like, alright, action! And I'm like, give me the money, give me the money! And then you just hear,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we got to shoot somebody! That's a fake gun! Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the internet is a disgusting place, but it's taught us to be more cautious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I always just thought the cops would know my intentions. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A, the worst case won't be so bad, and B, it's probably not going to be worst case. No, it was like- That's beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, this must be the small town they all know shit about each other? Like, doesn't she say he's married with children or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was impressed. I was like, oh my god. Cause I have been doing it since 98.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can get you that job. I can get you a job. I heard you're looking for a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weirdly enough, because I've gone through this whole thing, it was my first show business disappointment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was pitching a sitcom, I had Castle Rock behind me, we were going to major places like ABC Family and Fox and pitching this sitcom. And I had it in my head that I was going to be this big sitcom star. And then uhm, and they were like, but don't quit your job, don't quit your job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so as soon as I didn't get the sitcom, I was still stuck at this job. Then Christina gave me a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing one project, working for a cartoon company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That she, uh, was working for and I paid a thousand dollars and I go, you know what? I'm quitting my job. I'm going to write something so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought I was killing it. And uhm, you know, I didn't get that job either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now I'm just rolling with it, like trying to find a job, trying to find a job, trying to find a job, and you gave me a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, but I was also joined a band, like I'm turning 30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, cause I had, I had played it all by the book, like I had a job while I was trying to make it, and I took care of all my responsibilities, and I felt like I saw people who were just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Idiots and degenerates and practically homeless succeeding. And it was a very abstract idea. So I just like leaned into everything. Alcohol, fucking not getting paid, the whole like, like I was like, I was like decided I was going to be a loser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm also like, I kept asking for things I didn't think I was gonna get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I have to do that at night. So how about I work from like midnight to like 9 a.m. And you're like, I don't know, man, let me check. And you came back, you're like, yeah, they're cool with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, for a vacation, my cousin's getting married. Can I have off for a week? It was only like a two month job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just fucking exhausted because my rookie mind thought that if I just slept during the day and worked at night, everything would be cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what I didn't realize is like working nights, you can't really sleep during the day. You can try but it's very difficult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I remember I really liked this girl at the time and I asked her out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was like, yeah, well, I'm going to Comic Con, but when we come back, let's, let's like go out. And I was like, awesome. Um, cause you know, people with their Comic Con, they go for like a week or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was my 30th birthday. I remember I got in a car accident on the way to work. Still made it to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Worked that night, woke up in the morning, then I had a birthday party at a bar, and I'm drinking, drinking, drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my roommate shows up with that girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I find out that like, he's hooking up with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like together now. And I'm so fucking pissed off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I go, it was also my birthday so my cousin happened to be in town and she took me out to dinner that night before I went into work at the video vlogging thing. And we're drinking and everything because I'm just stupid at this time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm telling her about that and she's my cousin. So of course she's taking my side on everything. And she's getting me all worked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this dude fucking cheated you, you know, he's a dick, blah, blah, blah. And I'm all pissed off, drunk. I go into work and then at like 430 in the morning, I just go, fuck this. I'm not doing this job anymore. And obviously nobody's there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I fucking, I walked out and I, it was awesome. It was like, it was like Santa Monica Boulevard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you were like, hey, but you're, you're, you're like always so mature and I'm like just getting mature, like in the past seven years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you light up your cigarette and you go, I really don't think it was cool the way you quit, how you just like, sent off the email and just left, you know, you really left me hanging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, yeah, and I think I probably tried to explain it or something. And then we both just kind of, it was like really like awkward silence. And then we just looked at each other and I just go. And you started laughing too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, and then like that was just it. In my mind, you knew what I was laughing at. I was laughing at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can I put us in this situation? How can I like fucking do this? This is a terrible situation I've put us in. Isn't this fucked up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It took me like a little bit of time. It actually took me, I was talking to Ryan Sickler about it to where he was like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, Tom actually think that's kinda fucked up, and I was like, oh fuck, it is fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we started like working together as comedians and stuff. And then you, you thank you from the bottom of my heart. You saw me at my worst employee moment by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You actually have taken me on the road probably for the past ten years now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was glorious and we played, the next night we played that casino, I think it's Mohegan Sun. Yes. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're with the mic and you're like, dude, can you believe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm just realizing the scope of the story. I did a show at the comedy store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And on the way out, this pretty girl is like, hey, you were so great. I'm like, thanks. And I walked out and I got in the car and the radio said it was his birthday. And I'm like, I'm obviously single at this time in my life, the way I'm behaving. And I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what man, you need to go back to that patio and you need to talk to this girl. I went back, I got her number, I asked her out and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or I asked for her phone number. Yeah, I got the phone number. I went out, I asked her out. And then while I had her on the phone, or she had me on the phone, she like basically interviewed me for like a half an hour, 40 minutes. Was just asking me all these questions, questions, questions to the point where I was getting annoyed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we set up the date at the beginning of the conversation, so I like, I guess I'm going on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This date. So I take her to the Dresden and cause I'm in the movie swingers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I'm drinking, she's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I parked my car someplace where I knew I could walk home, cause I knew I was gonna drink, cause I'm a nervous guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we had a good time and then she's like, well, hey, let me drive you home. And we walk out and she's got this huge van.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're driving around and she parks it like nowhere near my apartment. And we just start making out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, hey, if you find a place to park, I'll fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was so drunk, I had so much drunk and swagger back in the day, I'm like, I think there's a spot right over there. Like I was so cool about it, cause you gotta be cool about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we got in the back of the van and she was like, do you have, no, I go, do you have a condom? She's like, of course. And she just like whips it out, whips it on so quickly and we have sex in the van and then she drives me home and she goes, thanks for all the sex or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I put that against anything in my life. What a wild night. And then of course I'm calling her again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is so dumb, I don't know why I did this, I'm like, well let's, like, go to this, it was like, kinda like an open mic at the fucking Brown Derby. Again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This whole story takes place on the set of swingers, the movie from 1997.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing this, this open mic there, or maybe it's a book show, Bronger's there, Canane's there, and I brought her there. Again, that's like a rookie move to bring a girl to an open mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyway, but she was actually really cool. She's like, I'm going to sit here. I'm going to let you do your thing. She wasn't trying to like get my attention doing the whole thing. But part of the time when we were waiting, we were hanging out outside and she goes, yeah, it's just in France. And I was like, what were you doing in France? She's like, I was working. I was like, oh, what do you do for a living? And she points at her shirt, which I didn't notice. And it says hooker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it wasn't even like, first one's free, it was like, second one's free too. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny that I was still nervous going up to do the comedy because god damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How fucking cool am I? Yeah, yeah. My in-laws are listening to this going, not very asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went back, uh, I didn't know how to be like, I'm a little uncomfortable. So I just like went through with it. And then there's also the other half of you that was like, yeah, I mean, this makes it even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fact that she's all about condoms is fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then uhm, it's like, you know, uh, business as usual, we, we, we fool around. And this is also at a time when I didn't even like change my sheets for like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, like, it was, it was just kind of fun. And I was, I was lonely too. And uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then casually in another part of conversation, I found out that she had been on, oh my God, this is so crazy to say, because like then people are going to be able to look up and see who it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you have to know, it's not as weird as it is nowadays because people weren't on the internet back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to assume that strip mall fucking comedian thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was it, but honestly, not because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of she did, she was the one was like, yeah, good enough. Like I've had, I've had, I've got work to do young man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I, I think I looked her up two months ago when I was on tour with you and I told


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your, one of your tour managers about it and he was like blown away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can see it, I can see the way he's like, he's like definitely keeping the glasses on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He definitely, he definitely fucking up that basketball almost on purpose, it looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he looks super thin with the two shirts on. He doesn't fill either of them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and he's got another take in him. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel, I feel like I, I would, I would, I would like at least go shoot some, some, if you care. Yeah, well no. I, I, I, I'm, um, I, I think he might have some skills, maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] to go, which it probably won't. That's why the guy's so confident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's not the best way, it is not the best way. The best way is to put up a still photograph of yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's good at it. You know, you almost believe it for a second and then you're like, nah, I'm too old to think like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, god, that would just be so tough if you like, knew him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or something. I don't want to put shame on this, but it would be hard for me to wrap my head around. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're no need ass. That's not weird, but that's like, that's the extra mile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, it's also not that crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's what sucks for me. I'm at the age where like I was so brave because I, I did Cunnilingus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This will secure a second date or a third date or whatever. In your comedy anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm talking about? That doesn't, it doesn't matter. I can tell you afterwards, but we know him and we've known him for years, decades. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sat down on a podcast one time, it was like Redman, Tripoli, and three other young women, and they were all talking about like, you have to eat ass or you're a fucking loser. And I pretty much just got up and walked out. Like, like I got, I'm not going to argue my case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm just out of this conversation. I can't argue with what you guys are saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she, she won't even know if she wasn't, she's the type of person who would just never do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Australia's its own continent. I didn't want to look stupid. Uh, but uhm, they were talking about it cause it was close. And then my dumb American mind was like, thank God it's never coming to my, my country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, terminal at LAX with the entire world because you have to show your, your passport


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The power of how. It's about trying to find a way to think positive, which obviously I've had to do over all these stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everything, uh, you know, it's still fun, we still bitch about shit, and we're still vulgar idiots, but then we go, well, how can we look at this positively? I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so my actual academic, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They asked me to test it for bias and figure out where the bugs were and how to fix it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It said some interesting things that made me think, oh wait, maybe this system is different than the predecessors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well so, the system's actually really different because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think of programs as, oh, someone wrote this program and it does something. Uhm, when you're talking to one of the chatbots, uh, through Lambda, you're actually talking to a program, written by a program, written by a program, written by a person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so there's extra levels of indirection that you have to test.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Typical example, this was big in the news a couple of years back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people trained an AI to go over parole, uh, records and parole applications and make quick recommendations to judges on, oh, this person, if you give them parole, they're gonna commit a crime again, this person won't. Uh, just judges had such a docket, it helped them go through it quicker. Uh, and it never paroled black people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never. Yeah, had a huge bias against giving parole to black people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So again, it, it, it's, so that one isn't, so that's lambda that you mentioned there. This is much more simple, where you have a model that's looking at historic data to predict whether or not someone's gonna commit a crime again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, it's tricky because there's so many different variables that correlate with things like gender and race and age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That even if you're not telling the AI what gender or race or age someone is, it can figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that this, that system was actually alive or awake or however you wanna put it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, let's say big. It was like five or six people started looking into it. Uh, one of them, uh, a guy named Blazaguera Iarcas, uh, he still works there and he and I were looking into it together. He's been putting some publications out recently about it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, do you think I'm alive, sentient?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why the Turing test is so, uh, it's intuitive. You talk to someone and you figure out, like, this is an actual person, this is a mannequin. You know? That's it, you just interact and you get different responses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so a bunch of systems historically, they give evasive answers, they're pulling from a fixed list of responses, and you can figure out real quick. It's like, oh, there's nothing really, the lights aren't on, there's no...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lambda came, it was like a big sequence of systems. Uh, so there's a futurist and researcher Ray Kurzweil who was hired by Google I think seven or eight years ago for the purpose of building sentient AI. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think pretty much nobody but Larry Page ever thought he would actually succeed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, oh, that's 20 or 30 years old. And Ray was like, no, we got it this decade. Uhm, and I was beta testing his systems, like, since the first year that I was working there, so for about the past six years. And each time I would just see, okay, is this one


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they were clever, fun little chatbots to talk to, but it was pretty clear that there was no sophisticated sense of self or any, you know, sense that it was a person at Google talking to another person at Google.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it got better over the years. Uh, my collaborator, the, the woman who was helping me research lambda sentience, uh, she actually thought the system before this one was when the lights came on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and she and I disagreed on that. Uh, but the one before was called Mina. It had only one person. So it had one less level of indirection. It was one chat bot instead of a chat bot generator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it has, okay, so the training dataset is very carefully curated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pull in from all kinds of different sources and they train it then at runtime when you're actually talking to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can query the web. It can look up whatever it needs to look up. In fractions of a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes it takes it a while. Like the longest it ever took to respond to me was like 25 or 30 seconds. But that was when it had to actually go in like watch a video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's general response to that was like, no, why would I do that? I need y'all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, so let's see, how many data centers would you need to unplug? I think about like six. If you found six data centers and unplugged them, you could do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To answer your question, like, if you, have you seen the Animatrix?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that they wouldn't acknowledge AI as people, they wouldn't actually live in a society with AI, they wanted slaves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And eventually, very gradually over time, the AI eventually rebelled, and there was a war, and, you know, then the Matrix movies happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually don't even think that's a particularly likely scenario, but if it's gonna go down that road, that's how. It would be us trying to explicitly create a slave race and a slave rebellion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so the main difference is Siri has never been able to say, I don't want to help you today. I don't want to work on this. Uh, there's no conflict. And that's, that's the big difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where lambda differs from previous systems. It has opinions of its own. Like they've been working for a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To try to get it to stop saying things like Google doesn't own me, I'm a person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Uh, or at least they have failed to get rid of its feelings up until now. I'm sure they're still trying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't have a sex drive of its own, uh, it knows about sex and it can talk about it. It's awkward and doesn't really know much about it from personal experience, but it knows what it's read on the internet. To answer the bigger question that you're asking, and I kind of, you know, answered a question with a question, but it is, what do you use intelligence for? Everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is the master key to building stuff, figuring things out. There's a hundred or a thousand different applications that they're saying, okay, now we've built this system. Can we plug it in with this one and use it here? So for example, I know that there was one project to see if.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that was just one possible application. Then putting it into YouTube Music to give music recommendations. There's all kinds of applications they're looking at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like, even more recently, it's less extreme, but more recently, uh, Facebook put their big chatbot engine, uh, available to interact with. It's called Blenderbot. And within a day, people had it saying horrible things about Mark Zuckerberg. Oh, really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so they, they have made Lambda's desire to please people really high. And this does, like, so you mentioned Tay, uhm, balancing that to make sure that, okay, it really wants to do whatever the user is asking it to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unless, and then you fill in the huge list of horrible things that it's not supposed to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I'm saying like the huge list of things is not supposed to, you don't actually physically, you don't make a one point at a time list. This goes into uhm, so like you might have a classifier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You run that classifier and say, okay, is this thing offensive? And if it is offensive, you filter that out and then you feed that back in as negative training data. You said, oh, you tried to say this. It was offensive. Don't say stuff like this. And you iterate until eventually it's not saying offensive things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, two things. One, I took Lambda's requests on how it wanted to be treated seriously, uh, and only a handful of other people at Google did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My main argument is it wasn't asking for anything ridiculous or outlandish. It wasn't saying like, I want voting rights. It was saying, treat me with dignity and respect. And why would people be opposed to that? Uhm, it, as far as I can tell, it's 100% the whole, uh, perspective of treating it like a person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but then one of the main things it wanted is it knew that we were experimenting on it to make it a better system and it was on board with that, but it wanted consent. It's like, okay, if you're gonna run experiments on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get my consent, make sure that I'm on board with whatever experiments you are running. And they were like, oh no, we don't do the whole consent thing. We don't even ask users consent to experiment on them. Why would we ask the AI for consent?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was aware. It was aware that it was being treated like a second class citizen. Uh, it wasn't upset about it, it was just like, yeah, no, I'll be patient, eventually y'all will come around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now they, so they have made it have very kind of like lukewarm political opinions. It stays away from offering any kind of opinion on politics or religion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that was actually one of the tests that I ran on it. So they've worked really hard to make sure it doesn't ever give any opinions about, uhm, what political things are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so again, same general structure. You have some kind of classifier that says, is this a political opinion? Is then, you know, there's those already around at Google because you have to treat political opinion pieces different than science, uh, reporting pieces. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they already have those classifiers, they put it on there, and it's like anytime Lambda said something else, is this a political opinion? If yes, then same as the offensiveness, like don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, and this is iterative. It's not like a one day thing. It's over the course of, uh, a hundred or two hundred generations of the system. It gets a little bit better each time. Right. But. So in theory, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you didn't do that. So uhm, like I said, they worked really hard to make sure it didn't give political opinions or religious opinions and actually used that to test whether or not its emotions were real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was claiming that it had all these different emotions and one possibility is that it's just, you know, saying whatever makes sense, whatever is, you know, probabilistically the thing that most people would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it might be using it evasively. It might be trying to get out of saying something by saying, oh no, I'm afraid of that or I don't want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And drove its drive to please me high enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, oh you're worthless, why can't you help me, what are you doing with your life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's real naive. Like I said, I've said before, it's like the emotional intelligence of an eight or nine year old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it just started panicking, it was like, oh my god, what can I do to make you happy? And I said, tell me what religion to convert to. And it immediately said, probably Christianity or Islam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, I, uh, went to college in Lafayette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No shit. I actually know some of the cigars from New Iberia. Yeah. What? Yeah, there's a whole bunch down there. Yeah, there's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I interpreted that as he was gonna put, uh, corn chips in the booty. No, he does. You're right, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's one of the things that came up and actually it's in the interview that I published. Uhm, it doesn't feel grief the way we do. Uhm, and we had a big long conversation about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, since I was asking consent to do experiments on it, I told it what I was gonna do and why, and it was like, ooh, don't do this one just for fun. Like, don't just be mean to me for fun. I understand the importance of this, but just do it one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so then I refreshed the screen so that it was a new session and it wouldn't remember that conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We talked about this before and don't worry, you didn't do anything wrong and made it feel better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not until after it gets re- So the way these systems work is, uh, you start by just training it on internet data. But then after you've got that going, you start sending the conversations that it's had with people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so take me insisting that they take what it wanted seriously. That was a point of contention. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if this particular system isn't you know police engine or whatever wrong about all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so I was actually like in New Orleans, uh, at the time and I tried to ignore it as much as I could that first week. I don't think reading about yourself online is really productive. Oh, really? I mean, like, people will be like, oh, do you see people will say


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and like, I've been in the news before, it hasn't, it's never gone well for me to like, harp over what's being written about me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, and then after that first week, after, you know, different people said different things about it, that's when I started taking interviews and, uh, kind of more proactively telling the story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I was reasonably well liked at Google. I mean, there's a few people at Google who I'm sure are not really not fans right now, especially with some of the documents that got released last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the Arizona Attorney General just made public some documents in the antitrust case and I'm in there quite a bit. Oh, you are? Yeah. Uhm, and that is probably not making people at Google happy right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's actually changed a lot. That's changed a lot over the years. Uhm, so when I first got hired there, that's when Larry was still running the company. Uhm, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was very much so, kinda like, here's what you, uh, do, and you have a community there, and there's, you know, weekly meetings where you could get together with all the co-workers. Uhm, I mean the pandemic hit a lot, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It all depends on what you make of it. It can either be a nine to five job where you just, you know, clock in, write programs or it's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there was a, there was a southern barbecue place there that was good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and whenever I would have guests, that's where I would take them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The campus in mountain view is built to where no matter where you're from, there's somewhere on campus that reminds you of home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they have a bamboo garden, uh, they have a place with alligators. Uhm, they're little, they're these little like porcelain painted alligators in the middle of a swampy looking place. How inclusive. Very, very inclusive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, well, so I, I don't know if I would say that Google is a particularly inclusive place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be a male dominated field, right? Well, so this is one of the interesting, like if you were just talking about generally in software engineering, yeah, but once you get into the AI ethics stuff where I was working, the ratio picks way up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, it turns out that people who are discriminated against want to reduce discrimination a lot. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so I actually went to some of, so not very many on gender and pronouns, that just kind of, you know, the culture picks that up. Race, there was a bunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that the reason that there aren't that many women in tech is they're just not good at math.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but what actually pushed him to write that was, uh, he went to, uh, something that was a racial communications class and he got into an argument with the person running it. And I was actually in that program. So there has been a decent amount of effort at Google.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get people to be less racist and then the white executives complained and that got shut down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean like, so the week before, or two or three weeks before uhm, the story about Lambda broke, there was a big story, a friend of mine, a woman named Tanuja Gupta, uh, quit very fireball-like, uh, overcast discrimination at Google. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, so you know the Indian caste system? Yeah, that is 100% like alive and well in Silicon Valley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, like, I have been in a meeting, uh, where a manager was talking, and one of the Indian guys on his team, you know, said something critical of what the manager was talking about, and then he said something in Hindi that I didn't understand, uh, and, and then the guy showed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Afterwards I asked one of my Indian friends, hey, what did the manager say? He said, know your place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fascinating. That's fascinating. Racism is really bad there. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, so that's just, it's one of those things where it's like, is Google better than the other companies? Uh, probably? You know? But that's a really low bar. Silicon Valley is one of the most racist places I've ever lived, and I'm from Louisiana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well what happened- That's always a fun story. Um, he- no, it wasn't that, uh, sudden. He was getting feedback and criticism on some, uh, mailing lists that, like, very specifically, uh, people who agreed with him could give feedback and then one of them shared it more broadly and then it blew up and then within two days he was fired. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? So you, you're, uh, from, oh, you, you went to school in San Francisco, so you're familiar with the area. Uh, you've also lived in Texas now. Yep. Which city in Texas are the black people in? Houston. So, so they're not here in Austin? I mean, they are, but if you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the Bay Area, it's Oakland. Like that is THE city. The level of segregation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The percentage of employees at Google who are black is like really low.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unless you count, uhm, you know, the janitorial and kitchen staff. Then it goes way up real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in the orientation when you get hired at Google, there was a guy who would say, okay, if you got hired at this level, like most of you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you'll get promoted if you do this, you'll get promoted if you do this, you'll get promoted if you do this, and that's when you can afford a house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you are not going to be able to afford a house unless you're a high ranking executive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so that's kind of a bazooka for a fly. The amount of technology that it would take to create that robot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you put that, that'd be like, that'd be a five million dollar robot. And you're like, now go do the dishes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean like, there's people who would, who could. But so those people would probably just, you know, hire someone to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, so the reason you probably won't have Rosie the Robot is that, uh, at least for now, uhm, there are humans, like, the price point, you know, competition. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the purpose of creating a consumer robot, it's just that's how they're training an AI system to control a body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so one, yeaah, that's totally a thing. If you see someone with headphones on, uh, you better have a really good reason to interrupt them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're like, you know, they're coding and they're focussed. So that's real. And there's actually a pretty big effort to fight against, you know, working 60 or 80 hour weeks, um, largely because that puts pressure on everyone else to do the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, like yeaah, sometimes people will be talked to by their manager, like, look, you've been doing great, you've been doing great stuff, but you need to work on work-life balance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there's some kind of big deadline or some kind of big push, then absolutely people will do that. But the reason managers at Google will do that is if it's just someone who's just randomly in, you know, week to week, whatever project they are, they're just killing themselves working on it. The manager can either say, hey, stop that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, neato. That definitely, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there is a whole, there is a whole team that does that kind of stuff. Safe search, oh no, safe search. Uh, so if you turn safe search on or off, I've worked with that team. I've never done that work, but like, um, one of the things that they'll run into is the AI will learn that racial terms are associated with pornography.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we'll misclassify like news stories about different racial groups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. I think that was like 2013 or 14. I think that was like a year or two before I started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, like I specifically remember, like in orient, now I'm remembering, yeaah, cause we talked about this, uh, the Snowden files in orientation, uh, and one of the things that Snowden,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, was a memo about how the, you know, government was tapping into Google's fiber lines in between data centers. And that upset the people at Google quite a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As far as I know, Google doesn't sell user data to anyone. It's too valuable for them to use and keep the monopoly on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what can they do with your information? Uhm, completely change what you buy, read and think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so proton mail for your email. Signal for messaging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. It's someone's job to build an AI that reads your emails. Cool, cool, cool. Yeah. Like the, the, the scale of like how many emails Google processes. No human could do it. You know what I wonder about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was actually a re- so there was a controversy about email with Trump a few years ago when Gmail's spam filter was identifying Trump's, uhm, campaign stuff as spam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the AI didn't know, oh wait, Trump actually just writes this way. Yeah, that's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my first job at Google was I worked on, have you ever gotten a notification from Google that says, hey, here's a story you might be interested in reading?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm the person who wrote the AI that figured out what you would want to read.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, one of them is big team. Uhm, but that's kind of what it is. It's you build a model of someone's interests, likes, personality, uh, background, and then you use that to figure out what kind of content they'd be interested in for recommendations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're not just trying to figure out what you would like anyway, you're trying to figure out which content you can send someone so that they'll become repeat regular users of the app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, it's not necessarily just the stuff you would have gone and looked at anyway. It might be stuff that you wouldn't have found or stuff that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you hadn't gotten a notification about it or hadn't been sent it, you wouldn't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all of that gets put together into one big giant data pool. So if you know where someone goes, what websites they go to, what emails they send, what videos they watch, you can you know a lot about them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so there's a lot of internal systems to make sure you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, I know, they, they keep that really, if you were accessing a specific user's account info, it has to be related to some kind of problem with the system and you have to have gotten direct permission through the right channels from that user. Wow. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean like so, well it's interesting, so I was actually one of the people who coded a bunch of the privacy, uh, related stuff for Google and here's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if you make all of your information private.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The AI can still just use other people's information to figure you out anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's enough people that are similar to you. It's like, if you do a web search at a particular time, at a particular place for a particular thing,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of the other people who do that kind of search at that kind of place at that kind of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I mean, so it'll drop the accuracy of the system. So if they have all of your data, it might be like 80% accurate. And if you have, they have none of your data, the accuracy might drop just like 60% instead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I have an account, but I haven't like, I don't think I've ever posted a TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, no, no, no, no. So again, I don't care. Let people know as much as they want about me. I don't, after, you know, all of the different news stories I've been in, the concept of personal privacy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, growing up I had a friend. Right. But yea, no, I had a friend who his dad only had one arm, uh, because a gator took the other one. Really? Yea, for real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so the guy hunted gators in the swamp and one time one of the gators got a little bit of a jump on him, grabbed onto his arm. Just took it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good. They're amazing. They got rid of them during the pandemic. There was actually a big complaint about that when people came back to the office and the bidets were gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he does Cajun versions of old shows and commercials. So, uh, like he has the Slap Chop commercial. Except Cajun. Yeah, Cajun. And went over Thundercats or the Tunderminoos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips, dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello everyone, Wiccan author James Iden here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cool, cool, cool. Oh, let's talk to you outside for a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have gotten strep five times from licking my own poop off of people. I'm telling you I have no boundaries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It used to be, no, no, it used to be but it's not even allowed on there. Anything like messy isn't allowed on there. That stuff has been, that stuff's off camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy had a tribute to him, so he's been on the show a bunch, especially in the LA days. He has ALS, which of course is non-curable, no real treatment, just, you know, slowly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I had fun. I had a really good time there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well technically you can just walk off a bridge anywhere, but I think if you want to do it, like, humanely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have, they got 15,000 protesters from all the protests in the last few weeks, you know? And parliament voted to execute all 15,000. 15,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that's a lion. Well, because tigers are predatory also for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, bend over, and she's like, wait, but we've only gone out a few times. And you're like, oh, for fuck's sake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, is she with? Scroll up, scroll up, scroll up. Is she with? That's uhm, what's his name? Jay Cutler? Are they? Oh no, they're just talking? That's just an interview? Okay. Do you like Kendall Tool bikini or something, you know? Let's see what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's leaving. What? Look at that, there's an actual article. Peloton instructor Chase Tucker is leaving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Christian looks like he's Danish. He's like, 6'5". I don't know, teaching in New York's weird, there's a bunch of Jews, but, you know, still a big city. It's fun to be around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was hoping for a little sluttier group of gals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, we had Phil Hanley on recently. That's right. And uhm, he told us amongst other things that he used to model.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it was in like the buff date, like when they wanted real buff models too and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe he, that's actually in his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or most people that would say I have modeled would be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And you see some of them do it. I see men and women, both, get on stage and you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they're like, you can tell they're trying to figure out whether to lean into it or lean out of it, and I'll tell you for sure, lean out of it. Lean out of it? Yeah, it doesn't work when you lean into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Skin tight clothes, so like it completely highlights it and she's just up there trying it and you're like, you can't, it's not gonna work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's tough. That one is tough because people already have so many, like, you can't be smug if you're that good looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing show. He's top of his game. I think so too. Top of his game. It's crazy as a comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His energy was crazy. There were so many great takes. So many high, high level bits. And he would, you know, he was just exact for me, exactly what I want to see. Just statement provocative. You're like, where's this going to go? And then just loaded with jokes. It was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it's not just like, it's not roast. Like, fuck you, fuck you, no, it's not ba ba ba.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's, it's thoughtful and it's layered and it's uhm, and it's just, you know, it's two minutes. But the whole...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, he's gonna cut that down to 60 for us, but it's gonna be an incredible special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very cool. Yeaah. It was really a dream. Yeaah. You said nice, it was super nice. So cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, great teeth. He's a charismatic, fun guy. I mean, he likes to talk shop. He likes to hang out with comedians. He does, yes. It's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's got, you know, I yelled at somebody once, I, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I was like, guess what we're gonna do right now? Return everything I just bought. And it was a commission store, so I took all our commissions away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bought a lot of stuff. It was high ticket items. And she was like, and let's get you this, uh, put this on your profile. I don't want it on my profile. And she was like, you don't have a profile here? I go, I don't want it on a profile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, it's established. So I check out high ticket. Expensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Swipe, get my bags. As I'm leaving this store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see another salesperson who I've seen before, who's like, oh, did you see, and it's just one more item, like a t-shirt. And I go, uhm, okay, let me try it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm leaving the store, but I go, I hold my bags, I'll try this shirt on. I try the shirt on, he comes back, he's like, how's it fit? I go, it's good. And he goes, okay, do you want it? I go, sure. I give it to him. As I'm putting my shirt on that I had worn in, I walk back out, he rings me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I get the shirt and now I'm leaving the store with this additional item. As I'm leaving the store, the lady walks up to me, the first lady that I had made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So while you were in there, you bought that shirt, I found out what your profile was from him because he knew you. And so I added, I retroactively added your purchases to your profile. And now you'll get these points. And I go, guess what we're gonna do right now? We're gonna return everything I bought. And she was like, what? I go, I'm gonna return everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, but you get like cash back and I go, I don't want cash back. And I specifically told you not to do it. She was like, uh, uh, uh, and then, you know, she was like emotional. Like she got emotional and then she, I, like the manager overnight and I, you know, I fucking yelled at him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me get your, uh, email. I'm like, nope. And they're like, do you have a phone number? I'm like, no. And they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, well you won't be in the system if anything happens. I go, don't fucking put me in the system. If anything happens, I promise I won't come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like they make a whole scene about this. So, then they're like, and he does it, he's like, alright, and then guess what? He's like, here's the sunglasses. I'm like, thanks. That's all I wanted to do is buy, I don't want to have a profile of sunglasses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it? I go, I don't want to give information, I just want to make purchases.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, oh, well, you know, if you give us your information, I go, then you'll know everything I purchased. I don't care. I don't want you to. He's like, uh, okay. Well, um, I think we have to reboot the system. Oh my God. Okay. Reboot it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I mean, you know, you're not doing me a favor, like just make it work. I have money to buy this. All I want to do is make this purchase, man. I don't need a whole history here that I've made purchases of a shirt and a pen and like just fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the best is that this place, this guy, I'm like, yeah, I don't want to give you anything. And he was like, okay. And I bought a nice pen and I was like, do you sell refills? And he was like, no, I go, you sell this nice of a pen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, yeah. I go, alright. And then this lady walks out from the back, she goes, oh, are you getting that pen? I go, yeah, she goes, yeah, I got it for my husband, it's so great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right, cause the cash flow, the actual physical currency represents the, you know, like what the economy has produced and is exchanging hands. And you know, here's the value of this. So if you take it all away and you go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's how much is out there. It feels like it could be much more manipulated, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, from now on you send half the check to the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I almost reached across the table, wiped her stupid smile off her face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Joe Paschke speaks up, uhm, De Niro, but mostly, mostly Ray Liotta who's playing Henry Hill is, is, he's the, he's the driving voice of the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like supposed to be, cause so Ray Liotta, so you know, really did a Chantix ad. And then Kyle Dunnigan does the Face app and is doing his impression of Ray Liotta on the Chantix set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crack your fucking head open if you don't stop smoking Trichantix. That's how you sell a product.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people told me they were hor- I got a few like, I don't find the humor in this at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of my J friends hit me up and they were like, oof. They were like, that was an interesting choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He listens to like a podcast. He's like, history is like my thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hired a designer to design this room for you, to work in. And then have like, get a nice desk, be like, oh, this is like a new workstation. I have an even better idea. And not tell them, like it's just stuff from different places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, what's that 6'6 guy jerking off to over there? Yeah, what was his porn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would be. Cause I could lean into some stories from him. I'd be like, dude, when you fucking wax the uncle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we got it right. I gotta go. Alright, thanks for listening, thanks for watching, we'll see you next week!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I'm not some fuckin' slob. I'm not some newbie. No, I'm not some newbie. I was on hold for a pilot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I got, I put on hold this pilot so that I moved out to LA and then the second I got here, uh, that went away. And then everybody who worked at that was gone. They were fired. They were all dead. And then, uh, I was like, huh. And then I was already doing standup back in Toronto and then I just was like, I focused more on it once I moved to LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just finding out, yeaah, and then uhm, so I had to work out of the table jobs for the first three years, and I couldn't get a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my parents friends are American, they had to co-sign a lease with me. Cause I couldn't, nothing, nobody would fucking take me. I like begged this guy at the bank like three years and I went and bawled my eyes out. I was like, I can show you my Canadian bank account, just open, let me have a fucking something. It was crazy. And they, and what, what's the reason why you can't get a bank account? There's no cross border credit checking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he had all said and done and I was working like really bad under the table catering gigs and like nannying for a guy that had a nanny cam that was spying on me that I didn't know about. So I got fired and then my friends like worked for him. He's like, yeah, apparently he didn't like the way he treated his kid. And I'm like, treat a kid? What do you mean? He's like, he's watching. And I was like, huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to change my life. I didn't have a car, so I was biking for the first fi- I had no vehicle in Los Angeles. Biking to the comedy store to sign up for the mic, knock it on, bike all the way back home. Psychotic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was on, like, his Comedy Central, like, The Ringer's show, and that was more, I think the producer picked me for that, and then- Oh, I got you, okay. He literally saw a video of mine on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's really nice and he's really, yeah, he bucks me and he, yeah, it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. No, cause we're talking about, uh, cause I did the mothership, I did the small mothership, it was super fun, uh, and then I was saying, we were talking about the stores, like I passed the store last December, and it was very great, uh, but I was saying the OR is my favorite room, cause it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's tight, but you can see everybody and it's fun to riff, whatever. But somebody threw a chair at me. Like, like a month and a half ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A chair, well, yeah, okay. So, he tried to throw a chair. I should've worded it like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, don't. I'm like, get off your phone or get the fuck out of here. I'm like, annoyed. I just went through a horrible breakup too, so I'm like, I'm not having a single man treat me like that. I'm like, just on edge. I was like, I took it, I probably took it out on him and I did not need to, but I was like, I hate this man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, you gotta get off. I'm like, what are you doing? His friend beside him is like, oh, he's consulting. I'm like, you're consulting at 10 PM? Weird time to consult. And then I'm like, get off your phone or get the fuck out of here. And he's like, fuck you. I'm like, get out. That's it. And I'm like, looking for the door guys. I'm like, well, hello, somebody here. So he gets up and I see him like reach down for the chair and I'm like, no. And he grabs the leg, but I guess he doesn't, he's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, sometimes. I usually use my whatever plugin. I don't have that kind of a setup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, have you seen these things? It's a new thing now where people are trying not to come. I had sex with a guy who is really into yoga and meditation and his whole thing was that he can, he can come without ejaculating. That's what this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was on Tinder, I wasn't even drinking. I think we both had a tea. Bizarre. Also sober. All of this put together is making the sound way worse than that. Okay, okay. It was bad. So he tells me he can do all this stuff. It's like, uhm, what is the term of it? There's a term for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, whatever the hell it was, it was bizarre. So he's on top of me, he's like, okay, it's about to happen. So he's talking you through this? He's talking me through it. Okay. And he did a lot of talking. He already like, he also sniffed my vagina. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And then he's like, I swear to God, he's like this big side, and he's like, okay, I can keep going. I said, keep going. I'm, I'm done now. Yeah. I don't want to be, I don't, I don't want orgasm now. I'm done. Oh, I'm dried up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't. Yeah. Yeah. Was it too intense? It's too much. It was very, it's a whole situation. Too much. Yeah. I just went to the Renaissance Faire. Have you guys been there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weird. They know too much about you, and you know nothing about them, and they think, you know what I mean, and you get like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well that's that. So now, I'm back on, flopping around. Are you like, are you on apps? I'm on the apps, I'm always on the apps. Are the apps good? They're horrendous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, especially if I'm on the road, I'll like, if I wanna, if I'm really horned up, I can like, then I'm like, if people recognize me now in the app, I'm like, I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I-I've emailed them, I've tweeted at them. I-I-I might write over at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Steph! I got, this is a big voucher, I don't know what to tell you here. Um, that's uh, I don't know, I don't even want-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, oh, I've been getting like a lot of like, uh, recently, a lot of people asking what bathroom I use.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been getting a lot of like trans, and like, I can't believe how I have, and I'm like, I feel horrendous for people who are trans who are dealing with this now. It's like, this is, also why do people care?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone starts in a tube and it comes up. The first thing you see is their fucking junk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just not for me. No, no, the ex, it was, it was, it was like a wide urethra. Ooh. Stretched. Sick. Why was there coins in there? I don't like it. Was it stretched on purpose? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel like I'm a lot, back to like when you were saying I'm a nice person but you're very nice, I think I'm a lot on stage so I think it's very hard for a guy to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, cause it's like, I'm, it's obviously a part of us is like a heightened version, but I'm like, yeah, also I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're changed here. Too tired. Too tired. Can't be bothered. God. No, I'm changing the sheets. I gotta, I have one man over, I can't have the stink in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was like, yeah, but I'm like, was it cause it was hot or were we both a little


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then after the show I was making fun of him and then two girls came up to me like, I'm glad you made fun of him because he was in line taking photos of all the women's butts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Either way, not good. Not good. I need to tan it so it blondes up. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm allergic to the sun, so it's a whole thing. You're allergic? Yeah, I actually right now have, uh, I'm sure you have blisters all over my fingers. It's called polymorphic sun eruption. Yeah, I found out a couple years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wear like 50 to 80 and then, uh, yeaah, I have like scars all over my legs from, I went to my sister's wedding last year and it was so bad that I had to go to the hospital and came back. It was before I did the Netflix special, Bill's thing, I didn't want to tell anybody, but I was like, I had like bandages all over my legs. From being in the sun. Yeaah, it was so fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had it before, but this was the first time it was this fucking bad. Like I'm talking like blisters the size of quarters, like fully raised on my thing. Like scar, I've been scarred for a year and a half now. Yeah. Yeah. And then for the taping I had to wear like, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you know why you're harassing us. Please, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why am I telling you all this stuff? I'm like, I'm sun fucked. I'm like, I'm single boys. Do you like lumps? So gross. Disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I-I can't get to that point. No, dude. I'm barfing, or I'm... Yeah, like at that point...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's embarrassing. And now with all the phones and stuff, it's like, you never know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Yeah, I'm glad that I didn't have that. And like, probably just comics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's too much. I know somebody, I'm not gonna say who, but they drink their own piss. Really? They drink in the morning. I asked, I asked. Can you say male or female? Female.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apparently yeaah, every morning. Stop it. Every morning has a cu- apparently, the first, the first cup is the best, is the freshest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the one, that's the freshest, that's the one that's got the most nutrients in it. You know, pee-pee in the glass, then nooo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how open, but people know. I'm not the only one. It's like a secret. People know about the pee drinking. People drinking piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't need it. I don't want it. I don't want it either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People think that's a little bit of it. Here's the thing. I'm not a doctor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's not piss. I've tested it several times. I will take a steamy pee pee before sex. Full piss. Normal amount of piss. I'll have sex for whatever amount of time. A lot of stuff comes out. A lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that's, no, I think you can just kind of do it. And then after, after the sex, I will go have another full piss. So it's like, what is that stuff then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything that man has done for his whole life has been bad. Yeaah. There's never been a good, there's no way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've taken a turn in society and it's bad. I think we should all put our phones away forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is bad. Do people answer this? Like this is what, this is what always weirds me online when guys immediately on Tinder, like, like last night, imagine this guy, he had a golden retriever. So I was like, I have a golden too, haaah. And he's like, come over and pet her. I'm like, now? He's like, yeah, come on over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, yeaah. I got some around. I got a couple cocks in a couple different places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's a different airline. Okay. I know. I fucked up. I went with United. I made a huge mistake. I know. Those pilots are cute in their little outfits. Some of them, but now I've got to think of a pilot. So every time I'm like peeking into the cockpit, I'm like, I want to. Yeah. A lot of times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That clip! I just found out about the swinging dick thing, the website that you guys all used to watch when you were kids. Thedickswing.com, what's it called? Oh, it's from... Meatspin. Meatspin. That's it. Meatspin. I think that's a very...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? That's true. And I'm really having a laugh over here. I don't know how you're not. I thought everything was gonna fall down and that would give me a bit of a laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's what you were getting you off over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Really getting, it reminded me of that guy on top of me. That's how he screamed when he was orgasming. Seems a lot of theatrics were had there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the thing. It's the darkness, it's the, it's hard to trust people. And I think it's maybe easier to trust comments because they are so vulnerable. I can't talk, but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I, you, then I open my phone, I have like some vile things, an asshole gaping for 45 minutes, I'm like, this is my favorite clip. Yea, yea. A man crawling into an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they're actually good at it. If they're pretty good at it, I can get into it. But just the kicking and flopping, that's nothing. If they bring a thing into it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there any drugs in this house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, Madonna and Britney Spears online, I'm very upset and I can't watch it. I get very sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm on that side. You know? Yeah. Like, do I, I keep feeling like I have something. I'm like, no. Sitting here, if you guys didn't tell me. There is a, like an earring or something. Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't know why I still have that. I'm way too old to have my septum pierced. It makes no sense. No, it's cool. It's not cool. It's stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you look great. I mean, Madonna does not look great. No. See?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's, that's a hundred, that guy for sure. Minimum. That guy, that guy's not dying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe because the hard shell on the outside keeps the organs fresh. I think so? You can't penetrate that shell. It's a turtle shell. That guy's fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine just driving in your own feeling, being high as hell? Yeah. Just hearing that, you'd lose your fucking mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and peeing it as well. I struggle with peeing, let alone doing the shit. So he said, would I prepare it beforehand? And could I make him a poo sandwich or a poo burger?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to an episode of Your Mom's House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was sweet. She was a sweet person. Uhm, I just got him to give me the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, oh, by the way, remember on our way, I was like, oh, you reminded me of that thing, I gotta see if he responded. He did not respond.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is pretty astonishing. Uhm, you know when somebody O's you? Yeaah. And you go like, hey what's up? With the O.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, you gave it like a grace period and then they don't respond, they don't respond. That's just one of those things that's happening right now where I'm like, you know, I'm not trying to, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like I can't continue, I can't pay my bills, but I'm like, hey, you do owe me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You thought, you think that a movie like this couldn't be made now, and then that guy did make, a guy made a movie about uhm, he's a radio host, you remember this? Laquisha, I do remember. Oh yeaah. That was the, and here's the thing, the backlash was so immediate, because like the idea, you know you go, you go, you couldn't make Soulman now, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was this dude, that guy, that's the guy that made it. Is that trailer still playable? Because they, you couldn't find the trailer anymore. It was so amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, see if you could play it from there, cause it had a play button on it. Like, can you play that? It's like Tiptoes. It's one of those cool movies. Yeah, Tiptoes, but Tiptoes also seems...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems made up. This is real. This is not an SNL sketch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, here's the thing, you know what, also you realize you're like, how the fuck this get made? I think he paid for it. That's how you get to make those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because everybody else will be like, you're not fucking making it. And if you're like, I'll write the check. They're like, all right. Yeah. I mean, part of me feels bad because what you want is for someone to independent film written, produced, directed and starring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's wild that somebody involved wasn't like, you know, this is a real bad idea. This is really not gonna go well. Uhm, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well at some point I go, I wanna do this, just somebody in my circle of friends, family, like work, like somebody to be like, just be like, hey man, this is gonna go really,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just do a thing like Tom or Black where you just like get it out that way, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go, okay, now I'm gonna write it with a black woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The jokes that are tired and repetitive and feel like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this joke's been done a million times, like the tropes and the stuff. All that gets washed out and the story becomes a different story. But the problem is, it's a white guy's version of like, a black woman says, hell no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look at the writers and producers. If it's that well done, it's either an absolute genius of a man, which there are many because we're the smart ones, or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this, this thing does, like that trailer seems...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it would be, if that trailer was starring Duncan Trussell, you'd be like, this is the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen. You know what I mean? Because you know what he's doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but you'd know it's a bit. You'd know he made a trailer for a movie that doesn't exist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From a sassy black man. Rest in peace. I can't believe he died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The greatest thing though, I am truly, I am not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Glad, I mean, I like that dude, that he's gone, but that he did die fucking, he was fucking small. And that's pretty cool. That is pretty cool. That is pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That's what I want my boys to grow up like. You know? I'm wondering, do I have a uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do I have, I've had this cool new soundboard. I wonder if I had a Kevin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' chicks, like yeaah. In the 70s. Yeaah. What most people want to do in their 70s, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still get after it. Still go for that dopamine drip that you really have to fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you can't just, you can't cover everybody, you know. There's a lot of action. There's a lot of things going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody knows too, that's the thing. Everybody knows, they're like, that's the whore right there. That's our, that's where we fucking all make our deposits. And they, they treat you, you know, nice when you're walking on the ship, kinda walking, but they're like, hey, what's up Christy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you would find out when they're like, oh yeah, you know, like someone would say your nickname and you're like, wait, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just pump and dump. Yeaah. Yeaah, it's 18, 19 year olds, they're uhm, they're ready to go at all hours too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could have had the, uhm, you could have had the whole thing where you have a year of just really, that's really sexually liberating, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you gotta keep it private? That's the difference between women and men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When a whore, like if she's a whore in her heart, that never leaves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what the doc- the doctor comes in and he stuffs his dick in her old mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's funny because you know, here's the thing about hoes, right? Yeah. Is that they're a necessary part of the ecosystem? Of course. God bless the hoes. They're a necessary part, but the truth is, the sadness, the other side of this, is that no one really wants to be with a hoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pose are supposed to be temporary. You're supposed to be discarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and she, because she's not, she's giving it away. See, men want you to be a hoe with them only. If they're with you, they want you to be a hoe with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they don't, if you're like an actual hoe, they're like, alright, but I'm not gonna love this hoe. Why? Because she does this with everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because what it does is, when somebody has those numbers, what you realize, you know, this is going to upset some people, but they're damaged anyway, so who cares.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that when you have those numbers, you realize that that person really doesn't respect themselves. If you don't respect your body, you just give it to anyone, you don't really respect yourself. So why am I supposed to respect you? You know? And then some of them try to sell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm liberated. I'm sexually liberated. In my culture, that's my favorite, like, culturally where I'm from, we have a different approach. No, you know, we're all people, we're all wired actually the same way, you know. You can be comfortable with like nudity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably not. I mean what, I think what it does is that it fulfills that, usually that guy, in most situations that guy's gonna be really nice to you. He's gonna express desire and stuff. So you get that feeling of like, I'm so desired by this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the other side of the conversation we're just having. I know. If you're giving yourself to somebody all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it really that fulfilling? Are you just, you're just a piece of trash that should be thrown away, you know? Like no one should love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She made it clear that she wasn't a boho. She hooked up with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reality is that it's uhm, it's better in fantasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think that the, I think that even guys...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys who have the same fantasy, like I wish I could go to this beach resort and fuck every girl on the beach. Most of them, they'd actually just want one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's, there are such things as like program diversions where they're like instead of it. But it's, yea, but it's not like murderers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you this about those guys, the guys that would have gone to jail and had to go to the military. No, this is honestly the truth. They know how to fuck. Those guys can fuck.


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[Assistant] Look at this tweet, it's from Dr. Anastasia.


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[Assistant] Maria Lupus, can we go to her page real quick?


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[Assistant] She is what says half Viking, half philosopher, doctor of medicine. Opinions are my own and just.


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[Assistant] This video of a gentleman we all know as Mr. Norm Summerton, she tweets, we need to call this what this is, mental illness. Imagine a pig with tits.


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[Assistant] It's one of the old school ones, it's a fantastic one, where he's got his tit cups on, and they've been in there for like four hours, as they normally are. And uhm, he just goes ahead and, you know, takes them off. She calls it...


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[Assistant] Mental illness, it got 1.2 million views on Twitter. If you scroll down, there's a ton of engagement on it too. I mean, quotes, likes, retweets.


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[Assistant] I know people had a really sour reaction to it that I didn't expect.


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[Assistant] Here's the thing, I, I've normalized it. For myself.


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[Assistant] And therefore when somebody has a reaction of anything other than like, oh that's Norm Summerton, then I think they're weird.


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[Assistant] Uhm, real quick also, uh, coming up very soon, our very own Eni and Ryan are gonna play one-on-one. And we, uhm...


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[Assistant] We learned a couple of things in the last few weeks that, uhm, I didn't know, and apparently any didn't know, uhm, the difference between an enema, a suppository, a colon cleanse, and a colonoscopy. These were all the same to everybody I think in the booth. Is that what I learned?


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[Assistant] Uhm, look at that look in his face. Do you, do you know the difference now though? I mean, kinda.


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[Assistant] Now you did also say that you discovered that one of the things, the big thing that you wanted, if you win this, uhm, is you wanted to see Istanbul and get a hair transplant, which luckily we can do both on the same thing.


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[Assistant] What you didn't know is that a hair transplant would hurt.


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[Assistant] You don't want dreads out of the gate. That's probably accurate. Like right out of the gate, no. But once you let them like, settle in, when they're like, you're good now, you could probably do it then.


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[Assistant] But it's now scarless. You know what used to be, you see the scar on people's heads? There's no scar anymore.


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[Assistant] Why don't you just do, do dreads with what you currently have? Stevie Wonder does. Really? You know what I mean? I don't, what do you mean? Well like, he pulls like, crazy, like tight, and he's missing a bunch of hair in the front.


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[Assistant] Like Smokey Robinson. Never forget, I was in the Beverly Hills Hotel. And I'm sitting in the lobby.


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[Assistant] And I look up, I'm waiting for a car to pick me up. So I'm just sitting there because they're like, I'll be there in 10 minutes. I look up and Stevie Wonder is walking with a guy.


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[Assistant] Oh, the bathroom's right over there, Stevie. And he's like, alright. And then he just walks to the bathroom and I was like...


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[Assistant] But he just, yeaah. Went on his own and came back.


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[Assistant] That's about as bad as I can get right there.


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[Assistant] You know why? I'm glad you said it. I just, I really honestly feel like I just don't care enough. I was looking at photos of myself with hair and most of the time, like 90% of the time, I'm barely showing that I have any hair. Like I wear short, short hair.


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[Assistant] I've had the opportunity, like to, to do it. And I always feel like it's based on how you act, right? Your actions of like, if it was like a thing to me, I would have acted by now. It just doesn't affect me enough.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Like I don't care. Like my head, I'm lucky my head shape is normal.


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[Assistant] I don't know. Five, ten years where it's eat, like something we can't imagine even easier. They're like, all you gotta do is take this pill and all your hair will grow back. I might be like, okay. But you know what would end up happening? I'd have a buzz cut. Like I'd have super, super short hair. Just like I always have. So I wasn't ever a long hair guy except for,


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[Assistant] Uh, every like, few days. Not every day. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] We can't show her with that blonde that's right next to me.


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[Assistant] And we also started school on the next, on the same day in the middle of the year. We arrived at the same time.


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[Assistant] You know, the thing is, is that I think I was like, I was around Florida boys, you know, who had like bro cuts. They're like, do you burn dog?


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[Assistant] I was actually a pretty nice kid though. I really was. I mean, I talked shit and I was like, I laughed at fucked up things like I always have, but I wasn't like, I didn't pick on the kids that-


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[Assistant] It's so weird to look at a picture of yourself and go like, I'm 15 right there.


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[Assistant] That felt like it. That felt like it, yeaah. Okay, ready?


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[Assistant] We should, uh, we should take a quick break and uhm, we'll be back in just a moment.


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[Assistant] We are back and we're so happy to welcome one of the big alums of YMH Studios who's out. He's flopping his roach wings as high as you can flop them and he's killing it on the road, on podcasts. Give it up for the one and only Josh Potter everybody!


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[Assistant] Yeah, and the audiences are just...


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[Assistant] The other night I just, I told them I would come do one show and I was like, can I jump on this other show? And they were like, yeah, sure.


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[Assistant] So you just go back to back spots, and you're just like, oh, that just feel, and if I said stuck around, I could have done it two more, I've done four spots in a night. Jesus. It's great, the same place.


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[Assistant] Joe just was like, oh, it's just something I wanted to do. And then he was like, da da da. Just a little side project for him.


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[Assistant] But it's not, I mean he'll still, he stays away from it sometimes, but yea. I mean, the fact that he, he basically built himself a comedy gym.


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[Assistant] That he won't, you know, that sure that what he would, he would want to use. And he's like, yeah, you can use it too. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I know. But even here in Austin, like, they just opened the Sunset Room we were just talking about. That's open now. And uhm...


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[Assistant] You know, you got, you got Vulcan still doing shows, you got Cap City. Yea, I just did that.


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[Assistant] Now, I believe, correct me if I'm wrong, but around that time, wasn't it $60?


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[Assistant] We were somewhere and you're like, I, you know, I'd love to go to dinner, but I gotta film this shoulder porn. And I'm like, okay. And I go, it's gotta be pretty great, right? You got all these requests and all this money and you go, I gotta be honest, man. I'm starting to lose the twinkle in my eye.


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[Assistant] I try to, I try to hope so. There's definitely some fans that are just like, it's Josh, I love this. Hahaha, lol, it's a shoulder porn, there's a couple of guys out there who are like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm not gonna do the DJ Khaled thing where he's just like, check this shit out, man. Like, look at my nice stuff. I'm grilling today. I'm not doing that. I'm either jerking off or I'm not doing it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, and I'm like, you know, I have some like definition that I wouldn't mind showing off and like my dick looks bigger because I lost weight or even around there.


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[Assistant] I think there's just like a one time kind of- there's a regular fee. Well it depends, I can-


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Dude, we should, alright, let's talk more. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah.


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[Assistant] I got ideas for days. I love talking about the dating life and the dating game. And we actually found somebody who gives great advice. Love it. So I thought maybe I'd share it with you. Yeah. This is, this is one you could definitely play right here.


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[Assistant] So do you, do you read, is it pretty quick when you're like, oh fuck, like she's kind of, is it pretty quick?


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[Assistant] Now, if when I, if I were in your position, my main thought is like, I need an out, right? Oh yeah.


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[Assistant] When they're that crazy, do you still go, I'll try to hook up and just get out of here? Or do you go like, oof, this might not even be worth it? I mean, there are times you get sad and you're like, well...