[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the mortgage is $2,000 and you're charging somebody $2,500. And, uh, you know, so you're making $500 a month and you are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the house is appreciating hopefully 5 or 10% a year and then you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't believe in it. Unless, I mean, unless it's a, that piece of property that you wanna die in and you want to leave to your kids or whatever the case is, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause then you write it off. Right. You write it off as an expense, as a corporate or whatever the case is. So you're getting half the money back or even more. Interesting. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe I'll still sell it after the show. You need to start wearing it more often. Please wear it on Shark Tank. I'm gonna wear it on Shark Tank one day. I can't wait. Yeah, it's gonna be underneath my shirt, sorry about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can buy it, uh, you know, when it comes out, it's uh, you know, it's gonna be out in March, so you can buy it anywhere. You can buy it on Amazon. PowerShift. Uh, Barnes & Noble, yeah, PowerShift. Buy it audio, buy it hard copy, but pre-order it now, if you can, and uh, get it before it's gone. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please. Yeah, you can email me. I'll give you an email. Let me create one for you. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the whole vibe we're going for. We want it to be real and not finished. People won't see that side. They'll never see it. They'll never see it. Cool. You just revealed the biggest secret we have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, yeah. Uh, Judd Apatow and Wayne Federman are joining us today. Uhm, you've always got a dozen or so projects going on. Uh, you just got back from, uh, New York. You were directing the new Pete Davidson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seemed appropriate. I mean, he looked like, it looked like it fit him. You know what I mean? Sometimes you see someone in a mustache, you're like, you really look like shit, man. You needed, but like his actually kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And Pete by the way, I feel like Pete, I've known Pete for a while now, I feel like he's still, I don't know, 19, like he doesn't age for some reason. Like it's like been 6 years and I'm like, are you still 20? Like how old is he now? I think he's 25 or 26.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, no, I think I saw him 5 years, I did oddball like 5 years ago, that big amphitheater tour, and he did a few dates, and he was like, I guess 20? I was like, this guy's 20? And, uh, he destroyed. It was, I was like, oh, okay, I guess some people are good when they're 20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. You know what he had really young, it's very rare in stand-up, is he, he's like, uhm, was a young guy who didn't care if people didn't like him. Which is like, you find that like it takes a long time to go, it's not that you're trying to be provocative, but if you go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These, these is my point of view. These are my jokes. And if you don't like it, like, I don't care. Most of them when you're 20, you're like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm always fascinated by your relationship with stand-up in that basically every comedian


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their thing is like, how can I get out of stand up and like do what Judd does? Like that's everyone, they're just like, I just gotta stop doing this fucking bullshit. And then you have reached the like penultimate levels of success in Hollywood and you're like, gotta get a spot in tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but you did, you're playing it down though. I mean like you had success, you were on the HBO Young Comedians special, you're doing gigs. I did some Dennis Millers, I gotta admit it. You were working comic man. But like do you remember the first time, cause like I think it is really interesting that you are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're working as a comic and then I guess you probably have a writing job and then you realize uhm, getting further away from stand-up and leaning more towards that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, right, uh, the critic, that's right. And so many comics would guest on that show. That was how that happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now did you guys meet on the road years ago? Is that how? No?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stand-up has never been bigger, right, than it is right now. It is so big right now. It actually, you know, I was saying, like, people are trying to get out, but the truth is, like, I think some people view it no longer as a stepping, like, as a goal job, right? Murphy wants in. He wants in. But you know what you don't really see as much anymore are the comics taking those, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, characters. I don't see, you don't really see them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like that's the right word too. It's like, there's, I don't know, I mean, you definitely can see some silliness on some shows, but I don't see people being that like, silly up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that I've seen really. Not really, no. There was two, also those two guys, and one of them owned the act. Here in LA, these two, two Italian guys, and it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now uhm, you know, our show has always got a lot of stuff for playing clips. And one of the things we wanted to do was show you a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, thank you, thank you. Wanna make sure you're, uh, you're all set. Make sure those levels are right for you. Your volume's good. Alright, I guess we'll start with this guy. Uhm, let him, I'll let him take it from here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So basically, there's a lot of stuff going on. A, uhm, it's tackling the erectile dysfunction that is a very common problem. I think it happens in like, I don't know, 40 or 50% of men over a certain age. Half of this couch has an issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a lot of these, uh, products, they want testimonials, they want doubters, and he, he went, he brought his, he's like, my brother didn't believe me. He believes me now. You know, so. He's concise in his language. Yeah. Now, do you feel like this is, uh, the same kind of thing? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not all like this. I'm just giving you, you know, highlights. It's a good look. The beard looks good, but also the advice. He's got really sound advice. Cause he, the last guy was like, you know, you have rectal disorder, smoke meth. This guy is like, do you want to enhance your sex life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smoke some weed, take a bunch of Benadryl, you know, he has a whole formula going that's actually pretty adventurous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. So he guides you, you know, through these sexual fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just said that you probably, no, he decisively said don't take 10 to 12 Benadryl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a guy on staff here who has that, uhm, it's called delayed ejaculation. Yes. And, uh, he can't finish, like he, he, he can't finish with a partner. With the lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He can't finish. He only can finish if it's self-stimulated. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he just like basically they're like, he basically has that, you know, he gets to go like, oh, uh, no woman can make me finish. And then they're like, I bet I can. And then like an hour later, they're like, yeah, no, I'm pretty tapped out too, bro. Go ahead and finish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think, my guess is that with him, it's intimacy. It's uh, it's hooking up with strangers, and that, and that I think if he was like, you know, in something with someone that he was really, you know, there was more of a connection with, I bet you that he could. I think that, but I mean. But he doesn't want to get close. Then he could denigrate her by coming and stuff. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, yeaah. He's a real animal. His name is Josh Potter. He's a really, really funny comic and, uh, he's a pig of a human being. Now, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we have this segment. I haven't seen these. There's classics, but there's new ones. This segment is like a reaction segment. It's called Horrible or Hilarious. Okay. And I just play a clip for you, and you either go, that's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you're either gonna laugh or be like, that's really, that's really bad. Okay. Alright, here we go. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what Judd's saying is kind of the hook moment of this segment, which is you go like, is he alright? Right? And also there's a thing where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you see something happen, but it's non-graphic. In other words, you don't see like a leg go like this. You just see a fall and, and it's easier to laugh than if you see like a goal, if you see like an injury, you go like, oh shit, right? But if it's a scream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, a fall, you go like, oh, it's kind of, it kind of reminds me of like Jackass, remember like when it was airing? It's like, these guys are hurting themselves but they're not in the hospital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never saw this reaction coming from you, but I gotta tell you something, it makes me like you so much. Oh good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it is kind of a risk. And also haven't you always had, I've always had this thing where I've thought about, like sometimes you see in video somebody at an intersection, you know, like at a car, and I've always thought about what do you do, cause I know there's people in the back like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If somebody were coming at my car or doing something and my kids are in my car with me, I would, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is bold. Uhm, so I want to ask you though because, you know, you've directed a bunch of movies and produced a bunch of stuff and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the things that always stands out to me is that like, it's, it is really rare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they kind of last for a minute. I don't know, sometimes you're like, yeah, now it's dated. But like the feeling of like a timeless comedy, it's, it's really like a special thing, you know, like I think about from growing up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all like the beginning of their now kind of superstar careers, you know? Correll and Seth and all them, like, Seth's playing, whatever, like the fifth lead in it now. He's this big movie star and producer. Like, do you look back fondly on making that movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, I read the same thing when, um, when Cage won Oscar, right, for, uh, leaving Las Vegas. And that he got like black out drunk in a hotel room and set up a camera on a tripod and just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I'm the, I'm, uh, you know, I'm usually like, uh, quiet around people and then I'm the type of person that when I drink I start talking to people and then I get self conscious of myself that I'm, I'm like, oh, I'm bothering, I'm bothering everyone. Cause I'll start being like, no, you are, you're a really cool guy, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just start flogging yourself. I, I do it, you know, it's worse. I feel like, is text shame?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there's like the written proof of it, you know, there's no like tone. So especially if you're texting with someone you don't, it's not in your regular rotation. And then you're like, oh, and then you go like, how does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did they read that? And you know, they don't respond right away and you're like, did I type it wrong? Then you know, if you're trying to be sarcastic or something in a text, it's just, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you a recent one. My manager was like, I had these big LA shows and he was like, you should really invite, like you should start like inviting everybody. It's like, it's just good. I'm like, okay. And it's not, like it's not something I would do. So I just felt embarrassed texting people. I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it's like a bit basically, but I am totally in on, hey man, we're not doing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I've heard of that place. That's like a steak place. That's the steak joint. That's where you want to get them. What is it called? Snake River Farms in Idaho. I think it's a sponsor or about to be a sponsor? No, no, I swear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually, you know what's really, you know what's super embarrassing is how clearly I remember that. Yea, it was really cute. No, no, like, like watching it, like looking at it through the lens of like, what a nice family, I want to have a family like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the, uh, uhm, what's her name? Uh, is it, uh, what's Quincy Jones' daughter, Rashida? Rashida. She has that, it reminds me of the, uh, mark where she was on a red carpet and they're like, look at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've mentioned a bunch that I'm actually a big fan of his Goldman writing tips. Uh, you know, it's on Twitter. If you don't know, you follow Gary Goldman and he put, he decided he's going to put out like a tip a day for a year. I think that that was the thing and he,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put stuff out that even when you're like, yea I know, it's like when you read a book like The Four Agreements and you're like, I know this, but when it's put in written form in a way that I can digest, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, so he, uhm, cause he actually, you know, we're talking about like an interview and opening up. He kind of, I think really leaned into and embraced


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, I feel like that's indicative of all of our parents' generation of like, you know, hey, you know how I used to tell you how lonely I was? And they're like, yeah, I thought, you know, I thought that was how you felt. You never did anything about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're so much more educated as parents now to check in, right? Like to act like are you okay? Like that becomes a normal thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then, uh, did, do you feel like, cause there's always a story with like, comedians, did that relationship, was that a drive for you? You know what I mean? To like, to succeed the relationship with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, wait, is there a release date yet for the, you guys have that so far or no? For Pete? Yea, sometimes you guys have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is. No, do you have any background on any of these stories? Yeah, yeah, this is in Taiwan. It was, it was, it was, this clip was kind of viral there. And people thought for sure at least his legs would be shattered. Nope. He didn't even break them. He just didn't break his legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, check him out. Let's see. I mean, gosh. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you go like, do I get something? Do I have something? Do I have happy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a few that won't show their face in this guy. We've tried to reach out. We also tried to reach out to, uh, my uncle Terry. He's not really mine, but he's a guy. Our uncle Terry. Yea, he, uh, he does sex toy reviews and he was, he's actually on Netflix on his show. They don't know. So this is like him, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so that one goes in your ass, and it vibrates, the one in his, well, his left hand, the black one, and then that's a double fuck sleeve that he's holding his other hand with, it has like little bullets, so you can go in it and then a buddy can go in the other side. And he's reviewing it for you. He's reviewing it for the, for the consumer. So he tries it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish. It's, uh, we just nicknamed him Uncle Terry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. And you can, and the option is to put the vibrator in. Yeah. You know, that's the bone. And is it a good product? Is that a good one? He says it's unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He tried to last and he just, he couldn't, he had like the opposite of Josh's problem. He's just, he, he, he, he busted right away. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you've made casting decisions, casting decisions based on, like, just the personality of the person, even over the performance of that part. Always. Always. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's personality there. It's undeniable. It's undeniable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't it clever that he's saying when he's on your page he turns into a telescope?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four-Year-Old Virgin tackles that whole topic in such a, I don't know, it's, it's like, there's like a sweetness to it. I mean part of that is that Corel has like this real,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, he's not in costume, cause I know it's running through your head right now, and you're like, oh, is he about to do a fucking old Geico commercial? No, that's just how he looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Judd Apatow, Wayne Fetterman, uh, The Great Depression is coming out. Watch that on HBO. It's Gary Schaling's book. Pre-order it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The goal is smooth balls. You want to have hairless smooth balls, you can feel more. You feel fingers, you feel tongues, you feel mouths, you feel everything more when you don't have a bunch of hair on your ball bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Manscaped is here to help your balls get hairless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Manscaped, it was number one in men's below the belt grooming. Manscaped offers precision engineered tools for your family jewels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I, I love having smooth shafts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, you know, sometimes I would just let the hair grow out so long. I would, I wouldn't even know what I had down there. I just saw a big bush and I saw, I saw like a little eye peeking out at me. But I guess that's my ding dong. But now, oh man, the little bit that I do have looks big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks nice, because I clean it up with my Manscaped Perfect Package 2.0. Inside the perfect package, you'll find the electric trimmer called the Lawn Mower 2.0. Waterproof and skin safe technology will prevent you from nicking your balls and standing in that pool of blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can also create less by trimming in the shower. And of course, don't forget the crop preserver and anti-chafing ball deodorant and moisturizer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You always make your pits smell good. You put whatever, you know, body spray, cologne on. What about the stinkiest, nastiest, smelliest part of your body?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Under your bag and between the cheeks. Put some stuff in there, make those smell good so she wants to eat your scrum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Perfect Package 2.0 also includes anti-chafing performance boxer briefs to keep your package cool and smelling fresh all day. For on-the-go freshness, you'll love the Crop Reviver Balls toner spray. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time to get clean with the perfect package 2.0. Get 20% off free shipping with the code mom at manscape.com. Always use the right tools for the job. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code mom at manscape.com. That's 20% off and free shipping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At manscaped.com, use the code MOM and if everything's nice and clean, maybe she'll put her mouth on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, our guest today just, uh, blew us away when we saw him, uh, the first few times at the Comedy Store. Then we both have had him come do shows with us and he's killing it. It's just getting bigger and better and everything's going in the right direction. So I'm super happy to have with us today, Brian Simpson. Thanks for coming by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We asked you, I asked you to do a show at the store with me, and then you came to Vegas with me. Yeah, that was awesome. That was awesome. Oh, we also did the Riverside Theater, uhm, out in Riverside, and then, uh, I know Christina's had a, you've had a monocouple show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you killed it on all these shows, and then uhm, yeaah, then all of a sudden, you know, like, the things you expect to happen with, uh, with good comics, and just one day I saw you, you're like, oh, I'm on Spade's show tonight. You just think you killed on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bert and I went to this, uh, place and somebody who works there, this girl works there, she's like, oh I'm a comedian, like how long you been doing it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said like eight or nine months. And I was like, well, you know, the only thing I can really tell you besides the obvious things is just don't stop, right? Because when we look back now, like, uh, you know, this is, I'm going on to a year,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, 18 I think coming up for me of being out here doing stand up. I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one thing that just stands out is that the people that are working now and that have had things happen in their careers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stayed and kept doing it and the ones where you're like what happened to that person? They just like part of this grind is like just staying in it Keep doing it right because we always talk about what happened to that person that person It's like they just stopped and like I just don't want you to stop


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was grinding it out and that was like, that was his signature bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. About what it's like to shop at. Right. It's still so good. It's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, when we were hanging out in that back room, I got to know just little tidbits about you and when we did The Road, about like how you were in the military. Oh yeah, yeah. And then you were in foster care. Yep, I was in foster care, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. And then, uh, how, how early were you in the foster program?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me cut you off for one second. When the ambulance shows up, the guy, is he laying in the tub?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, at a minimum, some type of like aggravated, you know, weapons charge or, you know what I mean? Attempted murder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you always kept that like a secret basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a natural dude. I'm telling you, I keep thinking about you gotta do not stop doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, that means you're not gonna stop. So wait, when you get into, let's say, problem house with like, torture kids and shit, how long do you stay in that house for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much, how does the decision come to go to the Marine Corps from there? Is it like something you wanted to do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. They break you down and then they're like, but the reason that you're awesome now is because of the Marine Corps. That's why you're awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. That dude's funny. He says crazy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is like the development of a comedian, like the whole story, everything from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can actually get away with even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wilder, more reckless, irresponsible speech because you've come from, you've had such extreme experiences. You know what I mean? Like the, the more extreme circumstances, you know, the deeper the trauma that someone, that is permission to speak more freely. Especially now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a debate about what someone's saying. So the original big debate was this Robert Paul champagne, whether he was saying home here now or not. I don't know if that's even, is that in my drops? It might not be, but is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucked a lot, man. Well, that's not complicated, but you get the idea. I can't believe that dude's a real person. He's, I know, he's really real. But anyways, lately, the new debate is one line within this video. So I'm gonna play you the whole video and then I'll tell you where the debate is. It's gonna be on this screen right here, okay? Alright. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's pretty clear, but it's actually down to a few words because there's a heavy debate going on about whether or not he is saying


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether or not he's saying, want no rep, because work no rep was a big, big advocate. If you can, if you can, close that right there. Close what you have up at, oh, go to the page, just close the actual choice. Yeah, and scroll, oh yeah, scroll to, uh, uh, wanna want, in the middle, middle, down. Down. Yep. Play him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is where the debate comes in, because people are saying that it's clearly work no rec like you, but then we got- But what does that mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, now page through that, where you were. So then you can see that people are writing, this guy says it means they aren't recognized for the blood that he is, calling him a false blood, go ahead and page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well that, the debate lies in some of the very, you know, few words here. This is due to saying, uh, work, this says work no rec, I almost dropped it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does, yeaah. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he's getting, he's getting, I went to his page and like he's posting random shit, you know, like whatever. I'm watching this show right now and everyone's like, you want that rep? Like they're all, all his comments, but he's gonna figure it out at some point. He's gotta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, before we go, I wanted to ask you. So you've always been good about just spitting shit out of your head. So we got, sometimes people send in questions, just like, I want advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was wondering if I could just read you some, and just, first, there's no wrong, whatever, first thing comes to your mind, just give an opinion. Alright, hit me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This says, Hey, Tom and Christina, I'm a huge fan. Been listening for a long time, but I have a huge problem that I need help with. I'm 35 year old man. I'm deeply in love with my best friend. I can't bring myself to tell her because she's dating a close friend of mine for about 12 years now. Me and her are extremely close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've known since I was in 10th grade, he is my other best friend's brother. His family and my family are super close as well. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together. This makes everything much more difficult. I have to hide how I feel. Is there any advice you guys have, uh, that would be, it would be greatly appreciated. Love the show. Love you guys. Corey. That's pretty intense, dude. What would you do? What do you advise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, hey, no, I think Cory, you know what, Brian gives you great advice, Cory, because essentially, Brian's advice to you is like, do you feel like wasting your time or not wasting your time? Right. Because you're either going to keep that, the pretend thing is just going to feel like you're wasting your time for however many years this continues. This can get it out of the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the penalty, the burden that he will carry, if he doesn't say it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one says, hey, I'm a white trash cum dump looking for love in what seems to be all the wrong places. I'm a her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my mid-twenties, above average attractiveness, I love to fuck and I fuck good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm considered a ball hog in my career. The total package. The men I meet have been like jeans that start high in type and get low and loose after a few weeks. I'm starting to think finding a boyfriend is as rare as a double pipe classic. What's the secret to finding a love like yours? Piss on me and beat me. Ho a man out. Emily from Atlanta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very rare. That is very rare. Wow. Like in the same moment. Not like then one the other. It's baaah. Right at the same moment. Same moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're not the total package, obviously. I like that because I think what's happening- I like that too. You're right, it's like, you know I ever meet someone who's like, you know, uh, everyone has broken up with me, all my friends have gone away, and every job I get, I get fired from, everyone's an asshole. It's like, I think maybe you're an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, yeaah. So maybe, I mean I don't want to like, uh, piss on her parade, but uh, maybe it is about like doing a real evaluation with Emily, right? Like what's really going on? Are you being honest about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one is called my girlfriend won't eat my scrum. Oh wow. What's, what is scrum? It's basically like a nice way of saying your ass. Okay. Um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it says, Hey, I need some relationship advice. I've been seduced by the scrum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Heard the same if not worse than the oinkers in the eyes of Allah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's basically, let me translate, he's saying I'm dating, he's saying I'm dating a Muslim girl who won't eat my ass. And uh, I just want her to. What should I do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he doesn't, he's not willing to stop eating bacon. Uhm, I, I don't know that it's so much that as much as he's calling. It's unclean. Yea, he's calling his ass the pork. You know, I think she's just basically like, that's not gonna happen. He's like, it needs to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure, for sure. And there's no way none of these, uh, muslim dudes are getting their ass eat. Like none of them? Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if he could get a little thing going where he's like, alright, I'll convert, but you're gonna eat my ass. Like that's a nice trade off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the last one, uh, your advice is very welcome on Brian. It says, Hello, I need some advice for my situation. I'm really, uh, into one of my friends at school and college. I want to make a move, but here's the tricky part. We both...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Want to go to university next fall, we both, we agreed that if possible, we'll go to the same school and room together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to ask her out, but I'm worried that she'll either reject me and possibly ruin our friendship or say yes and we'll get sick of each other from in a relationship and roommates as classmates. So am I overthinking it? I just need to go full throttle or do I need to keep my dirty slut mouth shut and save the friendship and my uni buddy, Ron?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see what he's saying? So he's saying that I think he has a friend in, let's say high school, and they're like, alright, it's a guy and a girl, we're both gonna go to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uh, that's great advice dude. You're a natural at advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he gave different reads. When it comes from down that deep? Yea. He did loose, he did like fun ones. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, where, tell everybody where they can, uh, first of all, I'll tell you this because I've seen, I've seen you live, obviously worked with you on the road. Um, you need, you need, I've tweeted it out. I put it on my Instagram stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your David Spade set is phenomenal TV set. Uhm, but where can people follow you, uh, keep up with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you are, yeaah, you're a real talent dude. I'm very proud of what you're accomplishing, so keep at it. Keep going, keep going. Follow Brian, listen to his podcast, and uh, hopefully we get to see you soon, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, foot consultant, I thought, why not dip my toe, so to speak, into the pool and become a sex worker myself. And I have, I've become a sex worker now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is it. Well, they start you at 15 as the floor, and I thought, you know, I'm a little better than that, but I also want to keep things affordable for people out there, because I respect, uh, a hard day's work, you know, and so, I thought I'd keep it, you know, kinda light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, listen, if- If the price is right. Yeah, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up, Michael? I'm sorry you live in Wyoming, uh, not because Wyoming isn't a beautiful place, but because I don't know when I'm gonna get out to Wyoming, uh, and I would like to, because I think I would enjoy it there quite a bit. In the meantime, though, I wanna make you $20 worth it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I want to give you the hot feet action that you so crazed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take a look. Which toe does it for you? This one's my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, well I told you when I went to visit Robert Paul Champagne that I am just a few terrible things happening for being Robert Paul Champagne. Terrible things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not at all. Oh, I'm not saying his life's terrible. I'm saying I'm just a couple terrible things from becoming Robert Paul Shannon. Okay. And then my life would very well be clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's part of my niche, uh, it's part of what you pay for when you come to my cameo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is some Teen Wolf shit, dude. Yeaah. Yeaah, I got that Utah Jazz joint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't gotten that specific request on Cameo yet, but the, you know, its existence is young, you know, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, I'm a little nervous. I feel like you're gonna leave us soon. I mean, these videos keep, requests keep rolling in. Dude, I, you know, if I hit a certain mark, I mean, you never know where my career could go from here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Would you at least give me like a month heads up or something? Yea, of course. I mean, I could conceivably do both for a little while until it might get overwhelming. The requests, you know, after a while I'm gonna be like, Tom, I just, I have to keep the foot content going. Or the new shoulder content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to be a part of that. I could be, yea, for sure. I'd be like, you stupid fool, give me your money. You know, like stuff like that. That's what you do, right? You little bitch. Give me my Amazon wishlist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you should play the next one though. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, my friend, might be able to help me with my little situation. Ugh. What's with the sound? That I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fetus, Jess, Maddie, Savi, Henry, all of them want to wish you a happy Father's Day as well. And because I can't go without, I've got to give you a glimpse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, as a sex worker, uh, it is my cross to bear. And sometimes, if you are popular, it becomes a mountain that you can't, you know, you start to get overwhelmed, you have to take a break. You can't always just be content, content, content. You need some time for yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I will. I think I will. That's a great point. Especially because I gave so many people free content on the podcast. And, you know, it's just, the thing is, you know, with us sex workers, we're always up against it. We're always up against the man coming down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're in their car, I mean we could do that if that's your kink, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like where you're just in a world, a simulation where you think like maybe all the Tik Tok people are smart and I'm Tik Tok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, according to Judd, uh, no, this is what happened was when Judd was going to USC and I believe it was one of his first days here. Is that right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, from New York. And I was out on kind of a fact-finding tour. I had not moved. And we met outside the Lab Factory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm sorry. Sorry. So I met in 1985. Wayne, you have a podcast. You should know these rules. No, I don't wanna do that. And, uh, and then we, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Judd, believe it or not, this is insane, was like, I'm at USC, I think I'm booking a show there and I'd like you to be on it. So it couldn't have been your first day there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's it, so that's how we met and, uh, remain friends ever since, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I like about him is that he's family is important. His brother is important. That's, we've lost that, we're now about to phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a drug, uh, experimenter. I know that used to be like a joke, like that I ever use. You're like, I experiment, but that's me. Like I'll try things, but I don't really use. Yeah. So, but I've tried a lot of different things. You have tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have not, have not tried math, but I, and I haven't tried crack, but I've done cocaine and LSD and marijuana. And marijuana, I've actually done marijuana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But isn't it a thing that you can't get Benadryl at some drug stores unless you show an ID or so it's the same? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have them of a loop on my feed. Over my bed every night. Those two videos. It's incredible. That's why I wasn't that shocking to watch them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look how concerned he is. Okay, let me tell you what made me laugh, was your reaction to it made me laugh. Because you were so delighted, especially when he's on the car screaming stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. Is this a dash cam?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we see it one more time? Yeah, we probably should see it again. That's the only thing that's... Okay, okay, okay, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the scale? What is the, like, is it a 10? Is it a 5? Thumbs up? Thumbs in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I don't know, you know, just a couple of the comments, you know, it turns into a, oh, you know, there's a fine line that they walk, and they're now crossing a line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that other one that guy said by the pool all the time? He's like, we out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like to seal the deal, you're like, hey, let's have sex tonight. Let's go back to my place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That phrase? I don't think I've ever said that sentence. Let's have sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, yeah, that I do say. You do. I say that and then I start making moves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean, I normally just don't, like I let them be aggressive. That's what I like. I like aggressive. So it's like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that kind of aggressive. Not like fuck yourself, you figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like whenever I go out with someone, like it's, I normally don't do anything on the first date, cause I don't know if they like me, you know? It's just all insecurities. I have insecurity issues. Oh yeah, you work here. Of course. Everybody. We all do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's kinda hard to tell exactly what's going on here, but I mean, these are just classic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Classic ortho- a group of classic orthodox Jewish people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This probably started with like, Hey, can we like go on a ride with you on the golf cart? And then he misunderstood something and like they asked for an inch and then they understood they could probably take a mile. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just let me eat you, one time. Just let me eat you, one time. And you're gonna, I guarantee you, you're gonna, you're gonna ask me to stay to your house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a joint farmer. Like a pot? Like I, I, I say, I grow joints.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you're kind of, like you're cut open, and you know, like your guts are out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then we actually featured him a hundred episodes earlier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sharing, cause it just can't, I don't even know what it is. I just said, I'm just telling you that he's sharing TikToks now. You're opening the TikTok lane up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And because of that, this is a totally different experience to me right now, than the last two times I was on your show. First time, I was ignorant and ambushed. Second time, I was ready and ambushed. This time, I'm excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've been sort of properly sort of conditioned through After Dark. We sample, we sample from you guys. And so now I'm sort of on the team of cool guys search.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One day we will take calls live too. That'd be awesome. More loveliney-esque. We're sort of aiming towards that. Now we take your, your phone messages, which have been great. What's the number, Nadav? 213.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that in voicemail? I don't know at all. Anyway, listen and watch my show. I give it out there all the time. And then emails and we really do appreciate the calls and emails. Yea, it's great. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kid you not. Where? Seriously? I swear to god I did. And I was like, first of all, it's math. Right? Because what the clue is? What? Dismantled bike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, if you think it's cool to stick part of the bike up your ass. Maybe it feels good though, right? Oh, I'm sure it does. They keep the sharp parts away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because our city, our great city of Los Angeles is insisting that we have a housing problem. Is this a housing problem? Yea, no. No! This is a mental health problem. It's meth and some other psychotic illness. And this guy needs help. As usual, I get sad when I see cool guys. Yea, well, here's the thing, I was misled. I got angry though with this one because it's like, stop the housing hoax. Let's deal with the mental health here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, some people will do little, little, uhm, stuff like that. I sent you something else. Oh, I sent you a video. Where, did you see that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I would think not because so much of the cocaine is so effectively absorbed by the lung. That's the thing about crack. It's absorbed quickly and goes right to the brain. Yeaah. And that's why it feels so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alcohol? You gotta be very super careful. People have died doing that. So like a case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? It's an osmotic gradient, right? Goes right in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever done it? No. Can't say I have. No. You ever smoke crack?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I haven't. No. No. I can't imagine I wouldn't like it. You know what I mean? Because it really is very powerfully rewarding. Everybody likes it. Yea, right? Yea. But the problem is you can't not like it after that. Is that right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you have the genetics for addiction, it's gonna be on, period. It's gonna be on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Triangularly plucked eyebrows are a hint that there's something real going on here. Like a behavioral issue? Like this is him. This is his deal. He's not from Utah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there are these people, there's a whole, there's a, this is quite serious, there's a world out there of people that do these weird gender performance art things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where they, they become hypersexualized versions of themselves and, and my daughter actually analyzes some of these guys and things and just tries to, as a cultural critic. So he may be one of those guys that's just doing a bad job. Just doing a bad job of putting them on this show? It's not going far enough, but maybe I haven't seen enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%. But I think there's a new type of comedian being born on Instagram. Yeah. TikTok. Where was this from? TikTok? She's brilliant though. I think that she's brilliant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she's a new form of comedy. I think she's a new comedian. Now, does she mean it? She does a cool check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I get the drug thing. She reminds me of the chick from, uh, Euphoria. A little bit. I don't know what that is. Oh, it's a good show. About cool people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, they're used to like open people up, but they swallowed a pin and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You notice she lumped in with your duty, I'm gonna remember that. And so, and so, she was chewing them. You know, she was, she was breaking them down a little bit, which would make them a little less likely to stick. It's probably not good to do that, though, right? Well, I don't know, Tom, maybe we should, maybe this stuff we ought to do a show where we just adopt some of these things and try them. Would you try that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is exactly, you know, when Pam Anderson got, uh, sacked literally by, uh, Vorat, you can imagine how freaked out she was. Right. Because she must have lots of these guys all the time. Right. Cool dudes. Right. Cool. And it makes her happy. Yeah, cool. Well, I just watched, uhm... There's gonna be more from him. Is he schizophrenic? Is it delusion? What's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no active delusions other than the delusion that he could have a relationship with Madonna, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One guy, we had to go get him. Really? Because he, my wife, the crowning moment of my wife, I was never more proud of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy was, uhm, had a whole website dedicated to how he was going to destroy me and kill me and kill the kids and eat them in front of my wife. What? It's crazy stuff. Psychotic stalking it's called. City of Santa Monica, by the way, he filed a small claim against me for having implanted something in his tooth that gave him erections.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They took the suit. They took the suit? They took the suit. And it was that, it was that, and I kept, I thought it was a joke, and I got it, when I got it I went, I think I saw something weird online with this guy's name, and I started looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it was, thank god I looked. And so, my wife got way deep into what was being written on Linus F, and she called the police, got the detectives, and here's my favorite moment for her. She gets to the police in there, and she goes, look at this, look at this, look what they're doing. This guy's talking about killing my kids. You need to get him. You need to get him, because if you don't, I will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So can this guy get a job and all that? Possibly. It's hard to know how much impairment here, but that is not a normal IQ. But may I? It is not normal. No, he's definitely not. You've got cool teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christine and I are big Howard Stern fans. Are you two? Uh, not as much as we are. Yea, not as much as you guys. And, and the Whack Packers, I've now spoken to just about all of them, and they all had severe head injury, or, like Bigfoot, severe neuropsychiatric structural impairment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There has to be some sort of reinforcement to that behavior. It's too non-psychological. You know what I mean? It is behavioral. You're getting something out of it. It's reinforcing something. It's convincing myself that I'm actually on top of stuff. I'm a time saver. I'm an efficient person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's some sort of like, she's like a, like a, you wanna know the craziest part? Like an elf or something. Dude, this is the craziest part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it, was it, was it like immediately upon climax? Uh oh. Is there somebody cool going to be part of it? No, no, no, no, no, no. Immediately part of the climax and therefore it's just part of a hey, I'm not into it, I'm showing you how into you I am kind of nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So disturbing. He's not a cool dude, he's a bad dude. Blowing and swallowing the cum. He loves it. He loves it. But just as sort of an eff you to the wife a lot. He really hates it. He's having sex with guys at his wife. Yeah. So weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does she ever show you contempt? Because I think really what that study shows is when women show contempt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the, it's the testosterone drive and how that drives us crazy. And then we just, if we have any psychological wrinkles that get into the mix, just we just go, we just spiral. So bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to give them this responsibility though. It's not your responsibility. It's not my job. Do it, do it. I'm going to say less guys like that guy. We need to be, ah, put it back on us. We need to be more, pay attention to our female compatriots. Really pay attention. I know Thomas is rough. I know it's rough. I know it's rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Submitting. It's a symbolic submission. It's a piece, it's an offering to the dominant one. It's almost like the way people, in my head,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm having these strange experiences today where I'm getting images and things, but I'm imagining people like, you know, bringing fruit to the God, and, you know, supplicating themselves to that. It's some weird impulse that's gone sexual in the man, because everything goes sexual in males.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Right. I mean, all the cool, decent impulses. The cool guys. Well, the cool guys do this, but the simple, decent impulses that humans have, men will take and attach sexual material to it and just blech, and just trash it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well people get very worked up about their shits, right? Yeaah. Some people are like, I have to shit three times a day. Reality is, you could deal with every three days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's almost once a week, right? If you really sort of... But he's going five, seven days, he says. That's a little rough. That's a little rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's okay. I mean, people are weird about their colons. Colon, the inside of the colon is outside your body. It is not in your body, it is outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lumen, the tube down which the brown goes, is outside your body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your GI system is a tube from your mouth, your anus. Right. With the tube is outside your body. It's not inside your body. How is it outside your body? It's a tube. And everything inside the tube is not... It's not, yea, it's like separate from all the other... Ah, I see. It's not a tube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it's within, the tube is within your body, but the contents of the tube are connected to the outside world. How about that? And whatever sits in there in the colon, particularly, the colon is designed essentially just to remove water. And whatever sits there is just drying out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now there are issues around the biome, you know, what bacteria live in there, and you know, this is a very complicated area that people are studying, but it's not clear that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna, I'm gonna have lunch with Robin Quivers and see what she gets out of that. I think it's that you get an osmotic diuresis. Cause you're putting something hypertonic in your colon and water comes out. Cause water, it's absorbed, it's designed to absorb water, it can also go the other way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is we each have our own thing that we just can't tolerate. Yeah. We've found one for Christina. Oh, please. This is one of many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, and have had so much in his gastric contents. Poor guy, he must have just drank a bunch of beer or something. I know. It's all brown. And I don't know, it's green. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tan, it's tan. I like the forward and backwards that they put it. You're gonna chase Christina right out of this building.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I don't know what was in that joint. Yeah, I know, right? Yeah. It's weird. It is weird. If it's something emetic, you would think it's something so disgusting and so completely that he threw up. And not just threw up, like, projectile. Like, I wasn't ready for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We sort of have to push a little bit to get it to go, right? But we know we need to do it there, because that's the appropriate place to do it, in case we save more in the chamber for later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Navigating a fart was like, too much, too much. Yeaah. Yeaah. Weird. Neurology is changing. Yeaah, after I had it. You take an organ out of your body. Oh, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you have a third degree tear? They go all the way to your anus? Oh they cut. All the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good now. Even though the muscles are a little lax afterwards, that's why you're sharding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's a cool dude. Well that's not, that's just, that is a cultural phenomenon. Okay, which is? Staten Island.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? This guy's from the Bronx. Or I was going to say the Bronx. Or even parts of Long Island. This is a certain version of Cool Dude that is culturally reinforced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just another big time Tommy. He really is. He's a good one. Big time Tommy was too much stuff going on. Well, it's very calculated, but I think he's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was hypomania. And hypomania can flip into mania in some cases.


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[Assistant] You start believing you're Jesus, and you start getting disconnected from reality.


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[Assistant] Can't wait. So we have the clip. Oh, is this, is this my buddy? From, uh, is this, uh, try it out?


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[Assistant] No, no, no. Try it out, I know you know. Cause the gossip, the gossip is I'm gonna be Colonel Sanders. Which if you know, if you have any poll, Miss McDonald's, maybe you could head on over to Colonel Sanders. Would you love to be Colonel Sanders? I'll talk to them a little bit. I love the irony of me as Colonel Sanders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't love Colonel Sanders, but I think it's hysterical. I like being involved in ironic things. You look like a chicken head, a cuddle head, or a trickle head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it's all good, but it happened because, uhm, Carole and I, when we were doing MTV Love,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our guest was Mike Myers. And Mike Myers was telling us about this show and he was playing an international man of mystery and he drove a Jaguar with a British foot. We were like, what the fuck? What? He's like, it's funny. I promise it's funny. So he was talking about, um, awesome powers at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, before we went out to do the show, we were at the hotel, and uh, Adam and I, as we customarily did, urinate- urinated next to each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was no, uhm, lucite partition there. And he went, he goes,


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[Assistant] Well, see, I'm gonna bet, I'm gonna, I'm gonna think well of this young man, and assume this is- Ugh. Ugh.


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[Assistant] First of all, he's gonna get, uh, conjunctivitis. At least! But, but, I'm gonna guess this is his septic tank. Uh huh. So he knows what's gone into it, so he's, there's something called the oral-fecal route of transmission of infectious diseases, which worldwide is the most significant way infectious diseases are transmitted.


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[Assistant] Feces contaminating water or people getting exposed to it like this.


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[Assistant] I love it. I'm gonna wear it. I should take it to Las Vegas. Yeah, yeah. So uhm, yes, nothing should go in the anus bigger than the okay side essentially. That's what you said, yes. Cause that's about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, yeaah, it's about. Cause you have a rose bud, right? Well, you can, you can, and prolapse anus is like a certain, much like the cucumber scenario, you can't just operate around, you have to go into the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's good to watch on YouTube because you see my hands on my face. You missed that. And also we play a lot of cool dude videos.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, so, I mean, I was trying to hook up with him in New York, he was there briefly, and I feel like I gotta spend more time with Mr. Kreischer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So somebody today tweeted, it was the best tweet ever, that they won, and this is what I need your help on. Ready? It'll make you bring your great joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They need him to recreate the time he was drinking Slim Fast and crying in the shower when his wife broke up with him. They want to see that. And I thought, we need to see that. Slim Fast tears in the shower and his wife walking in.


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[Assistant] I just love it when it rains outside. Makes me feel good. Makes me a little frisky too.


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[Assistant] Not all of us are the grandchildren of the witches you didn't burn. Some of us are the spirits of the witches that you did burn.


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[Assistant] I get things done. Okay. Like, that's what I do. Like, I don't care what it takes. If I gotta get grumpy to get there, if I gotta, I'm really, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm not very positive. I don't really believe in positive outcomes. Like, I think that the world is, uh, tough.


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[Assistant] It is crazy, like nobody has any idea what it takes to make it. Yeah. And so that's really my message, like you can and it's worth it. Success is like way better than failing. Right. Both.


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[Assistant] And success is easier than failing.


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[Assistant] Keep it simple and it's easier than failing because failing takes tremendous creativity. That's why so many comedians


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[Assistant] How do I pay my bills? How do I skip? How do I look people in the face when I'm late on my rent? I was late on my rent for, uh, two months out of three months. For two years. Really? On $2.75 a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a con- but I'm saying that you've been to the bottom. I don't have the excuses that some of these inner city kids have. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, my dad though died when I was 10. And so when, when you, when you don't have, when you're got a tremendous amount of energy at 10 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and the, the, the guiding light kind of goes away. The dad, you know, uh, I just went bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just went bucking. I grew up middle class and went into poverty.


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[Assistant] So I had less money when I was 25 than when I was 10 years old. I had more money. My net worth at 10 was like 100 times higher than I was at 25. So, and then I ended up with a drug problem from 16 to 25. I was using drugs every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good choice. Whatever drug you had. Really? What you got? Everything. What you want? What you got the most of?


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[Assistant] It don't matter what. It don't matter. You know, and, and, and I got, you know, I hear these guys in my space in this motivational, quote unquote, educational space. You know, they're going to be like, okay, I do an ice plunge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well fuck dude. Like, I'm doing a business deal. I don't have time for a nice lunch. Like these gimmicks are so much bullshit.


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[Assistant] Okay, well, I'm getting ready to work a deal. I'm on the phone walking in here trying to do a deal right now. I don't have time. My dog died. My wife's got, me and my wife are having an issue this morning and I'm like, okay, I need to change my condition, my state. So I'm going to walk on 10 feet of coal. That means I got to go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Create a fire walk. Like that's stupid. Like how can I do that in the real world? And that's the thing about this motivational stuff that I think people know is a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need things that I can use on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Like the psychedelics. I know people are looking for psychedelics to somehow open them up to some genius. That's great man, but I need, I need genius right in a deal. I'm trying to solve problems of life. I need money, okay? I need solutions. I can't say, excuse me, world, hold on. I'm gonna go have a mushroom experience.


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[Assistant] I don't wanna, I don't wanna suffer everyday. I don't mind suffering a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't want to suffer every day. I want to go where I want, do what I want, and, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I've been broke, I've been broke and worse than being broke is just getting by, like having enough. Yeah, having enough to like, Oh, I'm doing good, but I'm not really doing good. You know, that constant, like I can't get ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, for, from 25 to 45 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a long time. 20 years. You told me- I had money, by the way. Right, you did, right? You had a couple- I had, you know, I was 35 years old, had a couple million dollars put away, but I still couldn't get ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I wouldn't spend the money. Like I was terrified constantly.


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[Assistant] That's why I say never get advice from a millionaire, because when a guy goes from broke to a millionaire, he... He's scared money. Huh? He's scared. It's scared money. It's bitch money. Yeah. So it's like...


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[Assistant] I did exactly what didn't get me the million. I started protecting.


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[Assistant] Stupid, fucking stupid. I should have been putting all that money in deals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I wasn't, I should have been unloading constantly, but, but I was brought up, you know, and this goes back to, hey, what makes you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What motivates you or what, you know, why, right? I had been trying to decodify.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like my dad, my dad worked his ass off and when he died, he did good. My mom had to sell everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I'm like, okay, that didn't work. But he was considered successful. The middle class successful. Briefcase. Good job. Professional. People respected him. Saved his money. Had life insurance. House was paid for. Everything by the book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 16, 17 years old. Fuck, we were just scared, dude. Clipping coupons.


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[Assistant] You don't go around telling the world you're... I mean, if you got 50 billion...


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[Assistant] So, so that's the first block, the problem I have. The first problem I have is, fuck, you ain't got 50 billion dollars.


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[Assistant] You know, I just have a problem with liars. Like, like don't, you know, I don't lie. I don't lie about my net. I got, I got, uh, 6,000 apartments. It's worth $1.2 billion. I can blow it out for a billion dollars today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but that's not 50 billion. Right, right, right. 1 billion is not 50 billion. Right. 50 billion is 1 billion 50 times.


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[Assistant] Which means you'd have to do something 5,000 more times just to accumulate that. Like it's extreme.


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[Assistant] Nine years ago, my whole life changed. Tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A consulting business that I just got a royalty on. That was a good deal for me. And the third one was the real estate. I was just starting to accumulate a little bit of real estate


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but not, not big. Like, I had 600 units.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Half the country was laid off. Uh, the second business, consulting business, nobody wants a consultant in 2010, so that business got cut. The real estate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't lose any real estate, but the banks that I owed money to went down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, I'm watching Lehman collapse on TV because everybody remembers the guy walking out of the thing with the boxes. We're in Hollywood. We're, we're, I'm living up there on Doheny on the other side of the hill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so my wife's, I'm watching the TV. I'm in Lionel Richie's old house. I'm overlooking everything sunset. I got it made.


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[Assistant] We're gonna die. She's like, what does all this mean? I said, we're gonna fucking die. It's over. The end is coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bank that I owed 50 million to collapsed, went down. It lost. A new bank comes in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the problem with the middle class. When there's contractions, the people that pay the price are not the people in poverty. They are even paying the price. They pay the price every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, y-you follow what I'm saying? So- No. So, well, what happens is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The middle is where all this money gets re, uh, distributed. Exactly. To the wealthiest of the wealthy.


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[Assistant] I'm not talking about people now, I'm talking about companies. Okay, where, where, where the, okay guys, we gave everybody, everybody's been, you know, enjoying the circus long enough now, take everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I'm playing the wrong game here. I'm playing the middle class game. Middle class never wins. They're just ignored in this country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buying houses, sending their kids off to fucking Harvard, all this bullshit. Buying shit, borrowing money for colleges, buying houses, taking 30 year loans out for houses they don't need. Putting money in retirement accounts for Wall Street. The only people that win in all this shit are the banks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dumped the house, uh, moved all my businesses out of California. So we gotta, we gotta, we gotta redo everything here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I've been comfortable in LA. LA is like the, the, the, the, the, this is a haven for just comfort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know everybody listening right now is like, what are you talking about? You're thinking too small. Guys, they can take it all away from you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can all be taken away from. Like, like, the middle class in America is not doing good.


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[Assistant] Anybody that makes, uh, 40,000 to probably 250,000 a year.


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[Assistant] It's massive. If you work at Facebook in Silicon Valley and you make $250, you can't pay your bills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But nobody talks about this. You never hear the Republicans or the Democrats talk about it. They talk about minimum wage. Right. There's only like, uh, four to six million people on minimum wage in America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the median wage. The guy making $58,000 that lives in LA or $70,000 that lives in LA. You can't, you can't live in this town for 70 grand. Your rent's $1,900.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they don't want to get the hate. They're like, okay, I'm not going to get the attention, so I'm going to close the curtains. Right. And when I was a kid, I was, because my dad died, I was looking for somebody to like be an example. Like who can be an example?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause, you know, so the drug dealer was willing to be an example. Right. You know, uh, the, the kid down the street that wanted to destroy property, he wants to be an example. I'm like, I just was looking for somebody to be an example.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, uh, I just wish somebody, Instagram and Facebook obviously weren't around then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? That's not a good example either. So now you got so many examples now that you don't know what to believe in. And that's an issue as well. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grant, put us on game, man. Check it out. I can help you out. Alright. Check it out. So, so I'm 45, I guess I was 45 years old. Maybe even 48.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, I was a three million miler. And, but that's nothing to brag about, by the way. Right. Like, oh, I got my upgrade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I was so miserable. Every time I went to the airport, I hated myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, five hours, okay? I was waiting four hours on both sides just to get out. I'm like, what am I doing? I was already financially successful, but I was still playing like I wasn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's a guy with money and with success and I can't, I hate myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate how I'm traveling. I hate how I'm moving around. Because again, I was still, I was still trapped by this middle class save your money thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Save for what? What am I saving it for? Drop dead tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Eight million dollars. Okay. Bigger deals. Everything got bigger. Everything got bigger. Everything got faster. I could go, I did five cities in one day. In one day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I visited five customers in five cities in three states. I'm like, fuck, this is going to be sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went through that jet in two years, or a year and a half, and then I bought that Gulfstream 550 for a tax write off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started thinking different. I shedded this middle class idea. This millionaire next door. Worse book, that book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, probably a new one. So I started shedding all those ideas. I'm like, I'm throwing all that shit away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] December 13th, my accountant says, you got a serious issue. This is the biggest problem you've ever had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We live in America. That's right. Dude, this is America. Okay? And he's like, Grant, there's nothing. I hung up on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I can give the money away. Okay, okay, we could, we could, we could buy advertising on the internet. Let's just dump, dump, just shit on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I called him back and I said, hey, what if I bought a jet? Well, that'd be ridiculous. Well, you never take advice from an accountant. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I called the guy back, I said, hey bro, I just, I just sent you guys a little gift at Gulfstream. Now, the jet I bought,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grant Cardone's lost his mind and he's about to go bankrupt now, blah, blah, blah. So, the guy I called, Rick, calls me back and says, wow, wow, that's serious. Let me see if I can find you a jet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can deliver this to you, you know, so anyway, that's the story of the jet. And that thing has been, here's what nobody knows, I've already outgrown that jet. I need a bigger jet already. I love the way you think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He created everything and took one day off. You don't do shit and take two days a week off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He worked six days without sleeping, created the butterflies, moon, Jupiter, fucking rivers, streams, lakes, ponds, fucking, uh, dew drops and shit, ice, right, uh, everything. And then said, fuck it, I'm gonna take off Sunday. Right. Right, but what do people do?


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[Assistant] Less likelihood of making it to Kevin than uh, than uh, something through the eye of a needle. You guys can fix it out. But it doesn't say it's impossible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Right? Right. It doesn't say it's impossible. It's less likely, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I had three employees when I left, when I left seven years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I called my wife up and I said, hey, first of all, when they started changing the taxes here, they went from 10 to 13.3.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, hey, we gotta leave now, okay? So, it's time to leave. Okay, I'm not gonna keep taking it in the ass. I don't mind it once or twice, but come on. I can't make a fucking ritual of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said it won't just be the taxes. She's like, oh, it's not a big deal. I said it's a 30% increase in our tax bill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 30%. It's not a little, little increase. You guys all took it like it was nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, whatever you say. She knows I'm going to do the right thing when it comes to that. She's all on board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had a speaking gig in Miami one day. We looked at Austin, we looked at Houston, we looked at, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had never been there. She's like, whatever you say, let's roll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we did nine countries in 34 days. Jesus. It's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like my mama used to tell me, when you go to Vegas, she's like, look, if they offer you something here, just say no to it. Everything they offer you in Vegas is bad for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? Because it's not, it's, I mean, here, imagine this. Give me your money. I'll take care of it for the next 30 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm gonna give you a little tax benefit for leaving it with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, people should not save money at all. Saving money is a scam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you, you, you use money. First thing people should invest in is themselves. Look, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to workshops, go to seminars, go to whatever you're good at, whatever you're doing. You're an astronaut investing yourself. You're an athlete investing yourself. Don't spend money on belts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And looking good. Like invest in your craft. You're a comedian, invest in your craft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good. I invested a lot of money making sure that people see that Instagram account, right? Right. Or energy, money and energy. Right. So, uh, invest in yourself first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To become great at whatever you're doing. Number two, start investing in your business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If that, if you hadn't done that already. And the third thing is start investing in things that will pay you every month. So you buy, you buy a flow of income.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? And I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna, personally don't want to invest in companies like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of the companies today, 50 years ago the stock market was a great place to be in my mind. Today it's like these companies, their life, their shelf life is so short now with technology coming on, it's like 7 or 8 years. These companies coming in, boom, they're disappearing. I mean some of the great companies in the world disappearing today. So you're gonna have more and more of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so simple though, it's so simple, like, like I hear what you're saying, but, uh, you know, all we buy is things that produce income. So, I don't buy anything but rental properties, where people live in them. Like I buy no retail, no shopping centers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a guy two months ago bought a piece of property in New York City. This is going to happen here too. It's already started to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He will lose the property. Banks have already called me and said hey, get ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very specific. We only buy properties that are 90% occupied or better, that we get a check the next month. And we only buy in warm states.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And you got millennials that are just gonna go where the jobs are, and that's not where the jobs are. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then what I do is I have all my money. I have no money. I would never have equity in something that doesn't produce cash. Your house doesn't pay you. That makes it a bad investment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody goes to your house to do a deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, the bank made five or six percent every year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So 20 years times 5%, that's 100%. So you'd have to make like 160% to break even for 20 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the worst thing is, you were stuck there the whole time when you didn't want to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Good luck. Five million, five million people in America are still underwater from 2010. Jesus. Underwater. Nobody tells you about that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's some funny shit right there, right? I woke up the other, the other morning, I was at, uh, uh, uh, we're, we're in Ocean Beach in, in our, uh, Miami Beach, and there was a storm that came through and blew all the furniture into the swimming pool. I went out on my deck, saw that, I'm like, hahahaha. That's some funny shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's 6,000 of them like? Cause that's what I own. I own 6,000 little houses. There aren't houses, they're apartments, right? So that people pay for every month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no, there's no limitation on the deduction of the interest. Like you have it, you have an interest cap. You can't write off more than $750,000 worth of debt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could have $7 billion worth of interest and write it all off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I'm buying properties you guys would live in. You'd be like, shit, I love this place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take all your money, take all your other money and either buy, do it yourself. I wouldn't do that if I were you guys because you're right here. Don't touch anything here. Or find somebody that you can partner with that's doing kind of what I'm doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think, I think, I love that you're asking that question, right? But I think most people are not, most people are asking like, yeah, but is he happy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Well, cause you guys see it like that, but I think your audience is like, yeah, but yeah, guys probably got a fucking problem. You know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but, but, you know what I'm saying? I don't want, like, I don't want a vacation house. If I have one vacation house in Aspen, I'm going to be inclined to go back to Aspen. I don't want to go to Aspen. I want to go wherever I want to go. And not be, oh, it makes sense for me to go back there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what when I was 50 years old, I'm like, I want to get to where I can't fuck it up and to where they can't take it from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, one dumb lawsuit can take everything away. You know, so I've been audited by the IRS four times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So those kind of things cost money. You don't plan on it. You don't budget it. You don't get prepared for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'd say, Hey, look, it's make a decision to get super rich. Number two, you got to get rid of all this couch thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look for a good deal, buy low, sell high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't study people. I study, I study Blackstone. Yeaah. I study the big companies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Googles, the Amazons, what are they doing? Okay, what are the Google boys doing? Are they buying houses? No, they're buying companies, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does Warren do? Warren doesn't invest in the stock market. He says it's good for you to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Warren Buffett buys Cash Flow Producing Company. Every company he's ever invested in, they all produce cash flow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he takes major positions. He doesn't take little positions. No, huge. He doesn't invest in mutual funds in ETS.


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[Assistant] You know Coca-Cola, I was in, I was in Brazil and I saw Coca-Cola on the shelf in Brazil and I'm like, fuck, what was I thinking? Why am I not in Brazil? Coca-Cola's on every shelf. They're everywhere. I gotta get everywhere. So those are the three things.


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[Assistant] I am proof that everybody can do it. I was broke when I was 25. I was in debt. I was, had a drug problem.


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[Assistant] Lost six jobs and was fired from the car dealership six times.


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[Assistant] The idea that you're going to impose yourself, like so many people are like making excuses for that saying I can't, the rules are, you know.


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[Assistant] You're getting 4 million views on your videos. You can make that happen.


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[Assistant] To make sure people see it. Like if I don't know you guys, I can't admire you.


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[Assistant] And if I don't know you, I can't, you need to give people the option, the option to hate your guts. Right.


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[Assistant] How come? Well, because number one, they fuel me. They give me something admiration doesn't give me.


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[Assistant] You know, they give me challenge, they give me opposition, they give me like something to bump up against, right? They give me, obstacles are good, they're not bad. Like, the obstacle gives me creativity, gives me...


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[Assistant] You could do more than what I've done, or you could do less than what I've done, but like, just cause you're here, don't mean.


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[Assistant] Like, you're gonna do great shit. Yeah. So, what were we saying?


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[Assistant] Right. Let him hate haters. Let him hate. I love you bro. Yea yea. I love you. Sometimes I just punch him in the face. People hate on shit. Like I did this pull up video yesterday. You got like 300,000 views. You never know what people are going to look at. Right. 300,000 views because I'm doing pull ups.


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[Assistant] And what else? And then, and then just be everywhere. Like it goes back to our upbringing though. Don't, don't toot your own horn. Be seen and not heard. It's all what our parents taught us. It's all bullshit. Bullshit. To be in the middle. Yeah. To be in the middle. Don't stand out. Don't stand out. Don't be exceptional. Don't brag. Why shouldn't I brag? I'm bragging and Deon Sanders hits me.


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[Assistant] Hey, you guys, quit wasting your fucking money on watches and bullshit, okay? Yeah, I got the paddock, I got it, but let me tell you how I got it.


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[Assistant] Well, the next day, man, I just started getting hammered with check marks from Instagram.


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[Assistant] Ball players, NBA, NFL, like everybody we wanted, Rappers.


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[Assistant] I think people do give a fuck. Yeah. Yes. I think give a fuck and understand that you need to push through that anyway. Push through it. Right. That's really the key component. That's 100% true. Trust me, Gary cares.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and most of the time these haters, these haters are not really even talking about you or me. They're talking about themselves.


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[Assistant] Like, like the whole jet thing, like, car don't not, you know, why, why is he showing off a jet? They're just asking themselves why they don't own one.


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[Assistant] Yeah, okay, so you need like a, you need at least a Hawker 800.


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[Assistant] And look, it doesn't have to be- Dude, but you could buy like a little golf stream. You could buy a little golf stream for probably 3 or 4 million bucks. Okay.


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[Assistant] Well, yeaah. Most of those trips aren't going to be across country. No, no, no. Bang, bang, bang, bang. Exactly.


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[Assistant] Well that's to put it on. Yeah. That's not, that's not, that's not the wifi charge. How much is the wifi charge? I do like probably 20 grand a month. Really?


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[Assistant] Because I can't write a check every time I want to fly someplace. If I did that, I'd be like, I'm a fly American.


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[Assistant] Oh. Two grand to fly American is 50,000 to fly to New York.


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[Assistant] I'm going down in value today. Use me before I'm zero. Gotcha.


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[Assistant] So I'm just too cheap to write a check every time, to make decisions over and over again. Right. So I just did it one time, got it over with.


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[Assistant] And I referenced this earlier, like I spent from the age of probably 32 to 45 just doing stages. And I felt like such a fraud.


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[Assistant] Really? I was doing stages so much I wasn't doing my business. So I was giving people business advice, but wasn't building my own business.


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[Assistant] And I felt like a fraud the last five or six years of it. I was just like, dude, you're just a damn.


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[Assistant] You know, so now I've corrected all that so that now I go speak when I want to. And you know, and that's good, but every, what we're doing is running a company and have other people doing well as a result of it. Like you guys have people here, you're paying. Right. Yeah. You know, it's a big responsibility.


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[Assistant] Cardone Capital, my wife and one of my top guys at our company said, hey, you need to open this up to other people. So we had let my brother, my sister, mother-in-law, handful of really good customers and friends, wealthy friends invest with me.


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[Assistant] You're doing 200 gigs around the, how are you going to buy real estate in Savannah, Georgia when you're out doing comedy? Yeah. So we opened Cardone Capital. We've raised $220 million in 20 months. 10 million, 10 million a month. That's crazy. Using Instagram and Facebook.


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[Assistant] That capital now buys, well what I do is I buy the real estate with my money. Right. So I'm not using your money to buy the real estate. I buy it and then I open the fund up and say, Hey, I bought this. We're already cash flowing. I love this property. We think it's going to do X.


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[Assistant] We think your return will be probably 2X on the way out, so if you give me a million dollars, you're gonna, next time you see that money, it's probably gonna be 2 million dollars. And it's gonna pay you 120 grand a year, or 6% while you wait. And then it's gonna double.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm sure. You don't have to do any of the work. You don't have to do the management. You don't have to find the deals. You don't buy the deals. I buy the deals. I fund the deals. I sign on the debt.


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[Assistant] And then you come in at the same cost basis I went in at.


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[Assistant] And then we start distributing checks every month. If I distribute myself a check, you get a check. And then at the, but you don't, you don't get the, you don't get to decide when we sell it.


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[Assistant] It's the best deal in the world, bro. And you get all the write-offs. The same write-offs I get, you get.


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[Assistant] The, the, the guy, the guy showing us the place. I said, how many, what's the most number of people that have ever been here? 27,000 people. I said, who, who was it? Joe, your buddy, Joe Lowstee.


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[Assistant] I said, Joel put $27,000 in here? He's like, yea, I said, I'll take it. I'll take the place.


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[Assistant] Uh, we just do business all weekend. Business ideas. Business. So that's what you're doing up there. You're talking. Three days about how to expand your business. How to 10x your business. It's called the 10x growth conference. 54 countries were represented there. Wow. Snoop Dogg showed up. We didn't even announce Snoop Dogg. Okay, Snoop Dogg was never in any of the commercials.


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[Assistant] Also, it's good for optics when you shave. Makes things all look bigger.


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[Assistant] I hung out with his, uh, family jewels for...


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[Assistant] Quite some time, and he is shaved. He is. I mean, he had no, uh, he was keeping it pretty tight there. Did, uh, did everything look much bigger?


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[Assistant] No, uh, the rule didn't apply to Robert in that case, but.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm sure he's really like, he knows his way around a razor, cause of that tight goateed.


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[Assistant] Did you sleep, did you, cause I know some people were falling asleep to it, waking up, it was still going.


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[Assistant] A bigger place, which is cool. So, you know, buy some tickets so it doesn't look like dog shit. No, it's going to be great. Dude, you're going to sell that out. I'm excited. I'm super excited for you. I'm pumped because that was a place I wanted to do it initially, so.