[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's saying if you push, push out, basically, you're pushing, and you wipe, that you will get the remnants that are causing the infinity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. The problem with my b-hole, it's still got, it's tender from like hemorrhoids, from pregnancies, you know what I mean? Like I don't like to get in there. I don't like that. I like the water of the bidet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get a fucking bidet on Amazon for like 50 bucks though guys, or 40 bucks, uh, a tushie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I know everyone loves a squatty potty. I tried it. It's okay. I personally, I think a bidet is way more effective. Get one. Try it out. You gotta try it out. Who's our banner?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe even cheaper ones and you just hook it up to your toilet. Super simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then now your whole life is transformed. You're not- I think it's so gross now to mash toilet paper against shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I've been telling everybody about this shit. Do you ever have a poop where you sit down and you're like, that was it? And you're like, there's not gonna be anything to talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, that was so fast, like nothing came out of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that happened to me the day I sat down after Korean soup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, whatever, and I looked down and it was the most gigantic brown, like a one, top ten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, why does that happen? Like sometimes you think it's not gonna be brown, and then it's a real big one. But why did it come out so fast? Like, it was so big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No, that's counterintuitive, honestly. Cause if the hole's bigger, you're not pinching it off. So that to me would create...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching this show, mmm, that new one I'm watching, I forget the fucking, this is us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, surprisingly good show. It's so good. For a network show? Yeah. And uhm, there's a character on there who's battling with her weight and she's, I don't know like what she weighs, but she's really large and she gets on an airplane and the woman next to her is totally eyeballing her and she's like, don't worry, I bought two seats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, the flight attendant comes by and he's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, I know how to do it, you know, like, and I just felt so, if you feel so bad for her, cause you're like, oh, like you did the right thing. You bought two seats that you're not like ruining anyone else's day, but it just seems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's terrible being fat. I imagine it's hard because that's your addiction, you know, but everyone gets to see what your addiction is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, don't be a dick. I mean, they're embarrassed enough, I'm sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Terrible. Have to buy two seats on a plane. Jeez. Yeah. But Burt does it all the time. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or he just flies first class, isn't that why? Cause the seats are bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like those crazy people that we play videos of. Like faster? Yeah. So it's- you have to- I like them short. I think it's disgusting personally to have long nails. Well think about-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, no. Anyways, to answer your question, I keep them shorter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I found that nose picking is enhanced with a shorter nail. You're gonna do more damage with a longer nail, and you're also going to introduce more bacteria into your nose, which is how you get sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, apropos our discussion earlier, how I avoid sickness. I'm a compulsive hand washer. I wash the backs of my hands like a surgeon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I do not pick my nose if I know there's sickness in the house. This is the truth. I will use a Kleenex instead, because that's how you get colds, is you pick your nose, you rub your eyes, you put your fingers in your mouth. True story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't touch your fucking face, that's how you avoid sickness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not a nose picker like me. You're a thumb picker. I've seen you. You do this. You do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just as gratifying to pick your son's nose as it is to pick your own. I had no idea. It's one of the joys of parenthood. Now I don't like picking your nose though. I think it's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the president never takes responsibility. Nothing ever happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's a mackerel eater? Mackerel eater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that what he's saying? Mackerel, like the fish? I don't know. Let's look it up. I've never heard that one before. You learn something new on this show every week. Just like- Oh, mackerel either. Dog cunt. Yeah, mackerel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about Hungary? I'm a shithole country. Yeah. What about Eastern Europe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's in the movie Sixteen Candles. It is? Yea, Long Duck Dong says, The dad calls her fiance a bohunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This sounds so mean though, Spick, huh? Spick sounds harsh. Yeaah, greaser? Isn't that a greaser?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're, it's like the most beautiful, they're so nice. It's really like the sweetest culture too. Like to, to be diminishing of them, to be, it's like what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, uhm, yeaah. You went on there when our son was first born.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I think our Machines Within guy just has a little more passion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's got more technical ability, but our guy is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He raps, I mean, it's good, again, it's so distracting, the mouth, I can't, I can't get past the teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aww, Jesus Christ. I can't watch missing kids, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I mean, my guess is Narcos a bigger show as Dork? Meaning, is it bigger than Dork?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, dude. I mean, it's fucking- I don't like it. It always reminds me of those KTLA morning movies where they used to play Pippi Longstocking, and then they'd dub her shit over, and you're like, your lips not moving right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, but there's so many Latin, I mean so many Latin people in the U.S. Right. Yeah, maybe we're just more used to hearing Spanish. That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or maybe they found that people were clicking off the show because it was subtitled. There you go. And they're like, no, this is such a good show, we need people to be watching. Actually, the first time we tried watching, dork, the subtitle feature wasn't working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeaah, we tried watching it twice and they just weren't coming up. Like it wasn't working at all. And it was all in Usen-Ausen? It was all in Sprecken Sie Deutsch, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I apparently look like the girl from Supergirl. And that photo, it really does. I was like, oh my god, did someone photoshop?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her mouth and her eyes. It's her mouth and stuff, yeaah. Yeaah. It's this expression. Similar face. How funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No tits. I do love that Gal Gadot. Yea, she's sweet. You gotta see Wonder Woman, it's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three times Michelle Myers has gone to sleep with blinding headaches, waking up with different accents, Irish, Australian, and British for the past couple years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not crazy, not faking it, she was diagnosed with foreign accent syndrome, a rare condition that usually accompanies a stroke, neurological damage, or underlying health issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bye mommy. My tit size is like two chickens. Chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no God, but God is real. I just come home drunk from school, laying up with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You brush like a two year old. No I don't. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we have these good friends of ours. We thought they were pretty good. They're good friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we haven't, in their defense, we haven't seen them in like a couple years. They've been, everyone's been traveling. It's been rough. But you know, we were pretty hardcore, vacations, dah, dah, dah, dah, together. That's close. And she said, uhm, so how, and what grade is your oldest in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about when you're, when the same thing goes down. Hey, remember me? You're in San Francisco. Remember me? Yeah. Hey, yeah. How's it going? Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I owned it and I took, I took, I got a better joke with my name. You did? Yeah. It was, uh, cause there was like a lot of mama papa, a lot of poopa, a lot of that. And then I came up with Papa Boner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Where did you grow up again? New Jersey. North Jersey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they stink this year though. It's a lot of chaos. But I'm also a Yankee fan and they just got in the playoffs and I come, my whole house is girls who, and nobody cares. So I just like walk around the house like all yesterday, Yankees are in the playoffs, let's hear it. And they're just like, oh please, we don't know what that means, but we know we don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, does she- Did you see the clip in the beginning? I don't wanna-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time to blast. And you just like let her collect it throughout the day and then at 6 o'clock at night, that's when you hose her off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. It's really debilitating. It's weird, it kinda treats it like a, it's like asking a Siamese twin if they want to split.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh here it is. But your Siamese twin can't talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, let's just, if we could just remove it from the convenience for her, how about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what if he met her and she was just kinda like regular nails? Oh, right. And then they slowly started to grow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's like, move on, this is disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, can we, hey, can we get a picture? Dave's blind and he's got the stick and, you know, he's clearly blind. I say, yeah, sure, of course, come on over here, you know? And uh, so it's me, the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really good stick. Dog. He's out there with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you just wait for all of the grunting to start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a good point. Because I don't see that great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The neighbors, they're coming out of their door. So maybe now I'll just, as we...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true. Before I had a dog, I would always say that dog people are the worst because they, you'd always find stuff and they're like, they never, you know, and then once you have a dog, you realize they're not just, they're not bad people. They're just struggling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But man, I mean, people come over, she jumps up, she's like the same height as them. And she does, I mean, she shits like a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's ruined the yard. My wife right now is with a guy trying to figure out how to fix the yard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, did a show this weekend and there were, uhm, two people. I was at, uh, comics in Mohegan Sun. Oh, okay. Yeah. And, uh, they said that, uhm, there were two special ed teachers. Uh, there was a lot of special ed teachers actually. It was like two in one show and it was like a theme.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, when I was a kid, we had special ed, it was just for the kids who smoked pot and gave the teacher the finger. Right? Right? And they were like, no, these are like really special needs. They're like, you know, they really, yeah, they really, yeah, yeah, it's a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was too, cause I was thinking about that kid and I was like, I wonder if he dreams if he's just like, hello, how are you? Yeah. He's in this shell where he can't get out and he's, you know, people think he's retarded, but then in his dream, is he like a recurring character of like a really good looking businessman? You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if he, if he reacted the way that you expect people in pain to react, like, oh my god, help me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My wife is in school now. She's going for her degree. Really? Yeaah. And she is in a gender class. Oh really? A whole semester of they and those and thems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fascinating. It's endless. It's endless. And your wife is a woman. My wife is a woman. Okay. And uhm, we have two girls. Uhm, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing for my wife as a mother when she was in the class that you can't say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, uh, there was one guy there said she, she said he was obviously trying to get laid. Like he looked cool. He was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just feeling really sad for those babies. Like those babies, they're split up into boys and girls and I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, exactly. Yeah. And there are kids like we didn't, we didn't know kids who obviously we didn't know if they've identified as a girl, but you knew he was very effeminate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I just said, so in the very effeminate doing girl things, what do you mean by girl things?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, because it is, because my son doesn't give a shit for those things. That's what the whole class is, and she says she sits in class, and all the people like within earshot around her are all like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, uh, that, that, I mean, you know, our generation, we're learning it every day. It's, I mean, I mean, it's, we weren't talking about this last year. Like it's coming swiftly and you're trying to digest it and trying to do the right thing and trying to, that generation, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why my blood pressure's so high. I can't, I can't sleep without peeing five times. What? You're a trans hooey?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and not to get all political, but it was like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] California and New York are kind of going through this and kind of intellectually getting their head around it. And then they tell people in areas where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a radio show once and he was on, we were both on as guests and he was talking about it and like, he wasn't really shitting on it. Like really? Yeah. He was like, he is an elitist. Like he's got these beautiful glasses and he's dressed, you know, like expensive clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does she look at that picture of Pamela Anderson and think, I did it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least she's open. She wants to learn, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was a guy who was going to Penn Station the other day and he was a white guy, like probably 28 maybe, no shirt on, just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sneakers in like, a baggy, a baggy, like, uh, running pants, and he's like eating a sandwich, and he's rolling on the ground, he's getting up like aggressive like he's in a mosh pit by himself, like waaah, waaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want another beer? Should we try over there by that rock? I caught a fish over there once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only mistake he's made is that he picked the wrong Tom Cruise movie. This is straight out of Cocktail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or even worse, it's when you're watching that person and they're killing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, my podcast is called Come to Papa, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been doing a lot of, uh, live shows with it. It's adorable. Uhm, just go to TomPapa.com. You can find podcasts, my tour dates, all that stuff. I'm going to Eugene, Oregon next week in Portland. I did both this year. Oh yeah. Yeah. Where are you doing Eugene? Uh, Rialto? No, no, that's Denver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or Loveland, Colorado. I don't know where I am. Uh, Eugene, some theater in Eugene. The Holtz. The Holtz, okay. And then, uh, one in Portland. Two great towns. Yeah, I'm psyched. I love going up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Practice on my rhyme, practice on my flow, G16100, Machines with M, Machines with M.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] F all the haters, much love, no hate. I don't know what's real and what's fake. I don't give an F walking down the street. Hatchet crew singing Happy Halloween.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Working on my rhyme, working on my song. I got a gun, got a Terminator gun. Machines within. Machines within.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What draws me to human park play is I like the gear. I like the lifestyle of it all. It just makes me feel like I am ten foot tall and bulletproof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no. Black guys who love to fuck and fuck good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me at 23.95. If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me. I need, I need to be fucked a lot, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, free food, free rent, and everything else, man. He has a deal, man. Men from jail, homeless, or uhm, you're a thug, you wanna come, move in, a friend can move in with you too, man. Free rent, you get a lease on a key, fuck me. Piss on me, beat me, I'm home, man, out. You see me, you wanna come over today, try it out, try it out, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And after that from the back, make a line down to the kidney. Massage the kidney for a while. Man, when you finish the kidney, massage the testicle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taxico is an incredible factory producing a lot of sexual energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like a monkey, yeaah. Feel it. Feel something are changing inside you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And hold the, hold the whole testicle and massage the lower abdominal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So feel the jing change into qi. Man massage 36 times. Change the hand. Reverse the counter clockwise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean the guy who's saying she's retarded is her boyfriend, caregiver, whoever, who's close to her, and he's not troubled by the word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we should bring him back and get an update. So you leave for, you're like, Oh, class is at one. I'll be home at seven this evening. I'm like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, no, cause you were like, you came home the other day and you're like, I'm, I'm late cause I, I showered there and I go, all of you shower there? I mean, what, what yoga, I've never heard of a yoga, yoga, yoga studio, honestly, where you could shower after. I have, I have never heard of it. But you haven't been to a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, I understand, but I'm saying that you're like me and the guys, we shower together after, and I was like a group shower?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, yes, a group shower. And I thought that was a little fishy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, now is it customary for there to be a group shower after?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so somebody's always there. Same with Tom and I, we take turns traveling, but one of us is always there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And don't let your kids hitchhike. Don't you love how that, that, this, that, our gender, but that, people hitchhiked. I grew up here in the San Fernando Valley. You fucking hitchhiked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I hear stories about guys jerkin' off in front of each other too, like sleepover parties when you're, uh, younger. You've heard those stories? Yeah, like I never-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My guy friends were like, yeah, we used to have sleeping bags. We'd sleep on either side of the bed and we'd watch some movie and then we both jerked off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's normal. In Hungary, there's the thermal baths, because the Turks were in Hungary at some point. And so they have, uh, the, you know, famous Gellert Hotel and you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're, you're buck naked and then like the, the big lady will open the curtain and like people will be walking by and you're just getting slapped and slathered with like soap. It's, it's, they're not as squeamish as Americans are about the body. Definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you, after having a kid, I don't give a shit. And I think it's because you, when you give birth, you're wide open and like, I was pushing Ellis out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and if you notice, if you go on vacation or to any ocean or pool, most people have shitty bodies. That's right!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So handsome, like your face looks so different. Your body looks fantastic. I mean you look great heavy. Thankfully I like you both ways. Maybe I like you skinny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got real fat. Nah, you know, you just don't eat carbs or sugar or have fun. No alcohol. It's suffering. You have to suffer. That's just it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy, we used to, at our old house, uh, back in Redondo last time, we saw you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I opened up an email account for Ellis when he was born and we email him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he just started talking, he just started really letting it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember that, wanting to learn who I was and what I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't feel bad about it because I was hiding from my family. I didn't like being around them. My family is different than what you guys had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that could be, I think that's really, it's like this girl world that you inhabit at that age. So it ends when you start to realize you're not the center and like it doesn't matter. Like by 16, I think you're like, oh, I'm not the only human around and mom and dad are not that bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, and they both work. That's the thing, these guys found a way to make the song work. It's all about the producer, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy does have a gift for the idea though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying this Juggalo guy, he does have a gift of putting together like silly catch things, silly catchy ideas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching Trudeau on the internet, you know, you know that Canadian band, The Tragically Hip?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like Canada's pride, right? And the lead singer died. And here's like sweet ass Trudeau crying about this lead singer. Did you see him buying chance?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never, I've never heard this story, 12 years and I never knew this about your dental history time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It started, no, it started as a joke. It was at Red Band's house because I had, uh, put the veneer stuff or some dental work done. No, I had a crown replaced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, but then again there's the, the, I dare you to make me laugh people too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a position of power to hold a microphone and to be like, you're listening to me for the next hour of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, uh, women aren't allowed to be loud, vulgar, aggressive. It's societally frowned upon for a woman to assert that kind of power. It's not attractive. It's not sexually attractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, cause what I get from guys is like, I usually hate female comics, but you're funny like a guy is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the whole problem is the non-specificity. Specificity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For instance, if you're gonna call someone a racist and you're gonna do it on Twitter in 150 characters or less, like is that really fair? To put someone on blast in two sentences?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like if it's not specific, it's like, what's, what is, how is this helping people? Because in sharing stories, that's how people help each other. That's an Asian woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh oh, I know why. I was just gonna say, I mean, when I see a waste of human existence like that, and you think about how much work it took.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a restaurant she would frequent and she would always get the back booth so that people couldn't hear her. So she could really unleash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super, my mother was super racist. She would uhm. Remember when she felt slighted by the Japanese? Yeah, so we went to a sushi bar once and they sat us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was always rac- and my stepfather was Indian, and he was racist too, ironically. They're both dead now, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, he fought in our military. He got in the military and he came in legally, but he was Republican and he gave a lot of money to the Republican party and therefore felt that he was kind of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like a, like a white guy. Yeah. By, by money. And he kind of was, like in this country, your economic status determines a lot of how people perceive you. And he was a baller, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're a fuckin' island. Why weren't they fishing? And eating fish?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one thing I like to say about me and my friends is that fame hasn't changed any of us. You hang out with Joe, he's bow hunting, he's jujitsu, he's fucking marijuana, Ari Shaffir backpacking through Asia by himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But celebrity rehab was the glue to our marriage. When you say like, we've seen every episode, we were obsessed with you. I've listened to you since Loveline, since the poor man days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Drew, how did you get into being this, like, celebrity, I don't wanna say celebrity doctor, but, how did it happen? How did you get on K-Rock?


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[Assistant] Well that show, Loveline, I mean, the early, the radio show taught me everything about sex.


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[Assistant] Well let's uh, I'd like to talk to you about that too.


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[Assistant] Why do they consider alcoholism a disease if it can be stopped at will?


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[Assistant] Wait, wait, uh, cause there are symptoms? There are signs and symptoms.


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[Assistant] About this horseshit. Is it just to get attention? Is that, is that what we're doing at the ComHugs?


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[Assistant] That's, well that's just a BG there. That's just, it's very dark, it's not well lit, he's shirtless.


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[Assistant] Well, that's what I learned watching, uhm, Celebrity Rehab. I think that's right when I started getting into therapy, is there was that trend of, I mean, we discussed this on your podcast, when the person would go in, and Drew would be like, how was your childhood? It was fine. It was great. Well, except for the part that my dad beat the shit out of me, and my mom was never calling.


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[Assistant] Right. That's the big highlight of this. I thought you were going to tell us something specific. No, I mean, I just want people to feel, I don't want people to feel hopeless listening. Like, oh shit, I was hit and am I screwed? It's like, well no, you just need to deal with the trauma.


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[Assistant] Would it be like that Freud thing of your unconscious reading another person's unconscious? Yes, yes, that's what it is.


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[Assistant] Well he says if your vagina muscles are loose then your door is open and all the energy leaks out of your vagina.


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[Assistant] Wait, so why do we do that? Because I laugh at things that are inappropriate as well. Is it?


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[Assistant] But his, his reaction to that man hurting, being harmed and possibly dying is his laughter.


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[Assistant] Okay, when I'm falling asleep at night, he'll watch TV and he'll watch, it's, if you look at his Netflix queue.


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[Assistant] It's murder, murder, psychopath, serial killer.


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[Assistant] But he's such a gentle, uh, yeah, the thing is he would never hurt a fly. So yeah, exactly. What'd you do as a kid? Were you twisting rabbit's necks and?


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[Assistant] What about uhm, what's the racial stuff, Tommy? What's that word you taught me where you choose your race?


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[Assistant] So Drew showed me a picture tonight on Loveline. You had these two guys on Loveline. The Insane Clown Posse.


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[Assistant] But if the dog enjoys it, is it really considered animal abuse, you know?


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[Assistant] Sorry, this will be the last one. My mother, uh, used to tell me, she used to, I used to fart a lot and when sometimes I'd complain about the farts, she would say that, you should be grateful for the farts because farts push the shit out. Now, is that true that farts push the shit out?


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[Assistant] It's too much, Tom. Shit, I'm doing it on the fly, man. It's a bummer. What about the Trans Canada Highway?


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[Assistant] Now I heard in college that you can have, uh, sex with your cousins. At Oxford? No, not Oxford. This is University of San Francisco. Oh, okay. A lesser school. Yeah. And I, I, I was told that you can have offspring with your cousin. That you won't have, uh.


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[Assistant] What do you, what do you think she looks like, Drew? Like, just on the voice.


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[Assistant] I'm actually pretty amazed at how not fazed you are by all of this. I mean, you have seen it all.


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[Assistant] Right, what are the consequences of that psychologically as...


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[Assistant] She's fingering herself. Oh my god. Is coming on her ass.


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[Assistant] Well, especially if you- Especially on the gland penis.


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[Assistant] Uh, before them, when they, before they have baby, they make love, it's so amazing, so good, so good. But after they have baby, when they put the penis in, the man put the penis in, they say, and I'm in or out? Because too loose, they don't feel it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't even understand what he just fucking said. What? Reduce the menstruation. Reduce what? Menstruation. Because the menstruation leaking too much energy.


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[Assistant] So cool, so cool. I know, right? It's great. When this Vajana lose the faith, all wrinkle.


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[Assistant] So you feel, so you see, when you do, when you get it. Please, why do I have to watch?


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[Assistant] It's on the whole other side of that country, man. You're going all the way across. Wait, we're going to Sydney first and then Perth?


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[Assistant] I think he is such a great companion to have around. He makes me laugh. I had him at the punchline.


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[Assistant] And I laughed the whole time. He's a fun guy.


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[Assistant] Okay. I only have one club date coming up. I'm kind of taking a minute to catch my breath after that.


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[Assistant] I need a minute before I start planning my life again. Uh, but I'm doing September 22nd and 23rd in St. Jewish. St. Jewish, is that what it's called?


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[Assistant] You haven't even asked me what my pronoun is today. How can you say that I'm being offensive when you don't even ask me what my pronoun is changed already today?


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[Assistant] Uh, well, I'm doing the Comedy Store most Saturdays. Most likely, and this is not 100%, I usually do the early show and the OR. I like doing that 730 OR show. I just love it. It's where all the civilized people go out. Yeah.


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[Assistant] To pick me up some ketchup flavored Doritos when I was-


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[Assistant] That's really- yeah, yeah, will you bring home- will they let you? I mean with, uhm, customs and all that shit? No, no, no.


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[Assistant] I wonder, you know how strict they are with bringing any kind of food items.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's showbiz. It's used to the lights. Yeah, but I'm already, I'm so cold, I'm wearing a jacket already. And then now you turn it down.


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[Assistant] The best part about sleeping downstairs on the pullout couch bed and not a sofa mattress, the only highlight is that there's no AC vent in that room.


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[Assistant] And it, it's so warm and delightful. And I don't have to, do you know that I sleep with a down comforter every night, fully up around my neck cause it's so cold.


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[Assistant] Well how cold is it when I'm saying this? What do you think?


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[Assistant] No! The only time I enjoyed, we enjoyed the same temperature was when I was pregnant with Ellis.


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[Assistant] You can always tell crazy by the darkness of the beard proportionate to one's age.


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[Assistant] He used to be on the corner, uh, where the Carl's Jr. was, and he had that bench, and he was just sitting there all the time.


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[Assistant] I can't, yeah, wherever that Carl's is. That was a really good Carl's Jr., by the way.


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[Assistant] What would you, would you have Hillary do this to you? Let's say I can't. Okay, I give you permission. Can Hillary do this to you?


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[Assistant] Yeah, a mess that happened before she was married to Bill.


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[Assistant] Wow, how many YouTube videos will be coming out about what you've been doing on the road?


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[Assistant] One time I got prepositioned, uh,


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[Assistant] To get in a hot tub, uhm, there is a small club in a small town in Florida and the owner and his, the wife had huge fakers. Yeah. And, uh, they, they were like, after the show, they were like, to me, the headliner, they're like, you know, we have a hot tub back at our place.


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[Assistant] I have a good personality, but I'm not the sexuality champ. That's like the slut champ.


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[Assistant] I'm not that free. I'm really not that open. Why do you think that is? I'm nervous.


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[Assistant] I'd be so weirded out. Like, I guess some people can do that stuff. Obviously, I'm just not that free. I'm real closed off.


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[Assistant] To do that, like, get a hot tub with, like, a married couple and then...


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[Assistant] Truth be told, I kind of like my little ventless


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[Assistant] I like the freedom, I don't have to hear dogs scratching.


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[Assistant] And you snoring or horking and it's kind of like my own little private Idaho.


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[Assistant] How could men do that? I watched, when we were watching that movie last night, they were like a white tank under a white see-through. That doesn't look good, right? Oh my god.


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[Assistant] Well that doesn't look good, but then all you see is the tank through the, the white shirt. That doesn't look good.


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[Assistant] It looks weird, but I guess, what are your options, I guess, as a man? Are you done now ruining my life? I hate when you do this. It's so cold.


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[Assistant] You know, we had our closet remodeled. We didn't even talk about this. We didn't have a closet for like three weeks.


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[Assistant] And what we realized is that Tom and I have like, we have no clothes. We can't even fill it.


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[Assistant] And, I realize that I only own lounge pants, like I have like, I'm becoming-


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[Assistant] I dedicated an entire drawer to just black tops. I love it. Just black.


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[Assistant] So we invited, we've been sick this week, of course, the minute I got home from Seattle and the kid is sick and then we got the cold, everybody's sick. Uhm, but you invited cousin Bri-Bri over.


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[Assistant] On Sunday and they have a little one as well. And you kind of...


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[Assistant] But as a, as a parent courtesy, you kind of take, you err on the side of caution and you go like, uh, maybe we shouldn't let that baby around our baby who's still got a snotty nose. Yeah.


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[Assistant] But you were like, screw it, invite him over.


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[Assistant] I like golf carts and silliness in golf carts, so I'm gonna go for funny. Because they knew what they were getting into.


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[Assistant] They could have, but they made a choice and they did it and...


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[Assistant] This is like, um, that true TV show I used to do. Yeah. Where it was, it was like wildest TV more or some shit. This is all the videos we cover. And then I have to be like, the next time the guy says that you gotta do that. Like you'd have your dumb jokes. Remember I used to write like tons, tons of jokes for these kinds of clips.


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[Assistant] I know, I sell, they used to give me a sheet of jokes, and there was a couple of writers, I really liked their shit, and I could tell who wrote, and I'd be like, oh I like that, I'll say that. But literally, just 20, then I'd be like, pass, pass, pass.


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[Assistant] I remember the guy that was a bad director for us, like he would come in just stone-faced. Which you can't do to comics, you can't just be like totally unanimated. I know. So weird. It doesn't play, it doesn't play. No.


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[Assistant] Uhm, what other observations did I have? Oh, well, I'm very observant. I am the observation champ. So, as you know, 4th of July is, is that tomorrow?


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[Assistant] And you and I were just talking about how we could give zero fucks about 4th of July and seeing fireworks.


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[Assistant] I think the photos of the fireworks are the dumbest. July 5th when every asshole posts pictures of fireworks, I mean there's nothing worse.


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[Assistant] But it just doesn't translate the glory of live fireworks versus your tiny little shitty camera pic. It's like taking a picture of the moon.


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[Assistant] I'm seeing fireworks, but I can't think of a, of a thing worse. Like, you have to park, you go to the, the local community college or wherever they're showing the fireworks. You gotta sit around with a bunch of assholes.


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[Assistant] And then, and then you need a bracelet to get back into the thing or wherever. Like, oh boy. Get your life. I'm not even doing it.


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[Assistant] Fuck a firework show, man. The neat part is in LA, I'm sure everywhere, but you get to hear people shooting guns and shooting stuff off.


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[Assistant] I love your dad's hatred of Asian food, which, you know, I think that's one of my favorites.


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[Assistant] I mean, look, when I was in Korea, they did warn us not to eat the street meat because there was, there were reports of dog meat being sold.


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[Assistant] Alright, today he goes, we were FaceTiming because LJ was playing, being adorable. Yep. He goes, put, Christina get over here.


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[Assistant] Yeah, dressing up is a, is a huge factor. People assume that you're richer, smarter, everything.


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[Assistant] Cause you look like a homeless, uh, it's weird.


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[Assistant] Interesting. Speaking of Asian cuisines, I had a thought. I'd like to ask you about this.


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[Assistant] Can we give a nationality of the food?


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[Assistant] We get that hot night roll and it's got shrimp tempura in it and I swear that makes you shit.


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[Assistant] Or the spicy mayonnaise. But I'm talking about farts, I'm not talking about browns.


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[Assistant] From this place in Silver Lake that we, we lived, uh, when we lived there and I swear those farts were just rancid.


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[Assistant] Ty is like, oh, that's an instant fart maker. They may as well just call it fart makings, fart make curry.


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[Assistant] Oh, when I was in San- Manfrondisco, that's what did me in Penn and Currie.


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[Assistant] Before my show. And they, they, they texted me like, are you coming? Geez. And I had to finish my shit. Wow.


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[Assistant] You've been taking a lot of shits everyday. I feel like too many. I think we can ask our audience, how many shits a day do you take?


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[Assistant] I downloaded a counter app just so I could keep track.


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[Assistant] Well, or three, you say you had three in a day and that's normal. And that's not.


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[Assistant] Oh look, on our next door app, somebody writes, want to set up a compost pile?


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[Assistant] Okay, hey guys, I was listening to the podcast the other day and you were talking about people talking loudly on the phone or watching videos at a ridiculous volume. This is my ultimate pet peeve. I'm a fireman and I work in a lower income neighborhood.


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[Assistant] Well, the other day the crew was walking into the grocery store and there was a guy standing out front listening to me.


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[Assistant] On a fucking Dre Beats Bluetooth speaker set. On fucking 11.


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[Assistant] At that instant, I completely forgot that I was in my uniform and went into a rage in my head. The only thing I could do, mind you, this is in a predominantly black neighborhood and I'm about as white as they come. The funniest part is a dude just looked at me, turned down his speaker and went, feel you, N-word.


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[Assistant] So, I guess your theory is right. If your black voice is on point, it will elicit a response. Fireman Mike. I guess.


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[Assistant] I just, I can't take the abuse cause I don't want the songs to come in and the remixes.


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[Assistant] So I guess your theory is right. If your black voice is on point, it will elicit a response. I yelled headphones.


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[Assistant] I know, I just, I don't think I read that part. The only thing, I didn't read that part, I'm sorry. The only thing I could do was take a page from Tom's book. Sorry, I skipped a line.


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[Assistant] Hi Hitlers, a couple of times in the last two weeks I've noticed something interesting when I go to the bathroom at work. We all know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About the age old brown cleanup preferences like standing or sitting, folding or scrunching, and front to back versus back to front. But this observation at work had me baffled.


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[Assistant] How many times do you swipe across your brown maker with a single serving of toilet paper? Personally, for the last 27 years I've been wiping myself


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[Assistant] Well, it's all about how many passes you take. Now, he doesn't say...


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[Assistant] So it's literally one pass and then again on the same? No, you can't do that!


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[Assistant] No. But is he saying, come here, give me that piece of paper?


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[Assistant] That's what I think he's asking if it's pass, pass, pass.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna go, uh, un-camped, curly, sh- shoulder-length brown hair.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I'm gonna go for a t-shirt with a silly slogan.


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[Assistant] What the fuck are you looking at? Whatever. Yeah. They don't call me bitch for nothing. Whatever dumb slogan. Faded blue jeans?


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[Assistant] And flip-flops, but the cheap one from like Safeway, the Kroger, and we don't have that on the west coast, but she goes to Kroger. She gets the flip-flops from Kroger. Go ahead.


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[Assistant] DIRTY SON OF A- That boat's gonna come back and smack him right on the head.


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[Assistant] Like I would rather, I would probably rather be a sex worker in...


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[Assistant] Yeah, sounds better than this. Of this woman's life.


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[Assistant] Can I, can I say what really annoys me too? I hate that personality where somebody messes up.


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[Assistant] And then the person has to chastise, ah gee Raymond, you went in, you did that wrong.


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[Assistant] You know, harp on the person that did, made an innocent mistake or something like that, that makes me crazy. It's like they thrive on making you feel like shit for something you didn't. I hate it.


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[Assistant] Moosep is the, the craw, stuck in my craw. Hey, so, okay, would you rather?


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[Assistant] Be married to that lady, moose soup lady, or the girl that does all those fart videos in the shed.


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[Assistant] Cause remember you were like, cause I wanted to be the fart mistress.


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[Assistant] And you go, I don't want to be married to the fart mistress. And we have the URL reserved, so.


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[Assistant] We've got another one, uh, hey Hitlers, I was just making it brown and wiping the correct way.


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[Assistant] P.S. Bikes. Well, I mean, obviously, retarded people, yes, they can be racist. But can blind people be racist? I'm, I mean...


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[Assistant] I mean, look, racism is what? Based on the color of your skin, that's what people say. But I think it's also based on cultural, uhm, stereotypes, correct?


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[Assistant] Oh, that guy's real greedy, and he's acting dewy, and therefore he's a Jew.


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[Assistant] You'll have a real, I think actually being blind makes you more of a pure racist.


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[Assistant] It's fine. Look, I don't have hate in my heart, but I was saying that I think you could really breed a more pure racist culture with blind people. I think they could be the best racists, actually.


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[Assistant] That's so funny that there's somebody right now that's like those fucking Cambodians.


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[Assistant] Without the septic toll. Yeah. And it's personal spearing.


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[Assistant] Talking about the different, the language of where Scott, Scott, Scots are from.


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[Assistant] When I studied in England and we had to learn about like this kind of thing, like fourth century stone carving, like I don't think there's anything more boring than looking at fourth century stone carvings.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Like, when you had to learn- No one wants to hear that shit.


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[Assistant] Dates, historical dates, things happen. I'm like, nah. I mean, I'm glad I know these things, but I don't know.


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[Assistant] Uh, you can't fake it. Oh, okay, I have another email.


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[Assistant] Hi Hitler, I sincerely love both of you and the podcast. Uh, okay, that being said, I seriously cannot stand hearing Christina say that coffee dehydrates you even one more time.


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[Assistant] It angers me. I know people have thought that since like the 1800s, but if you do a tiny bit of research, you will learn that the dehydration qualities versus the amount of water are far more hydrating than dehydrating.


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[Assistant] Coffee actually dehyd, sorry, coffee actually hydrates while making you brown and more alert.


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[Assistant] I, I don't agree with you, I think that, show me the research, uh, Rob.


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[Assistant] Well, I look, all I've learned when I've ever been on a diet is they consider like caffeinated tea and coffee to be quote negative waters, meaning that they are dehydrating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you must replenish them. Then how come after I drink coffee I'm fucking thirsty?


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[Assistant] It's a diuretic, it makes you piss. Alcohol, same thing. Do you agree with this guy?


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[Assistant] That's right, but maybe it's negated because it makes you pee so much and you lose more water, the body loses water.


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[Assistant] My, my pallor was always grey. Like it, it does suck, it like sucks the very nutrition, the oxygen out of you. You look grey, everything is just grey. It's gross. It's really bad for you.


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[Assistant] No way, there's no Ys or Zs or Cs or Js. He's not an Eastern Bloc dude.


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[Assistant] Yep, I was going to say he looks good because they put him in a kevlar vest.


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[Assistant] It should be like Dobrovich or something. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Oh wait, what is that? No, that was the, uh, the Shaws of Sunset, where she was like...


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[Assistant] It's terrible. So can I tell you though, honestly, I'm kind of liking the storyline. So they, they fake the drug lord's death so that he can be flipped for America.


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[Assistant] And now the cartel is after his whole family. That's not a bad premise. After him and his whole bloodline. So I kind of like the premise is a solid premise.


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[Assistant] Not ever. Or doctors too. You'll, like, Katherine Heigl is the doctor. You're like, no, that's not what my doctors have ever, ever looked like.


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[Assistant] When you call me, you're gonna live or you're gonna die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then why call him? Cause you want the answer to be you're gonna live.


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[Assistant] He looks, he looks like the crazy guy at the top of the show. Yeaah. The, uh, that Hillary Clinton had sex with.


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[Assistant] And he does, did you see his, wait, this is his martial arts, he was doing Tai Chi, he was like this babe with his finger in his gloves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And these title cards are made on a Mac. Definitely. Like, isn't this a standard? This is on your Apple right now.


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[Assistant] It's a piece of shit, but it's not the worst. This is not the worst.


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[Assistant] Well, she's probably menopausal at this point, not interested in sex a whole lot.


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[Assistant] Yeah, oh, they're separate lives. They have been since the Lewinsky scandal, for sure.


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[Assistant] If not before then, she knew he was a fucking, uh, a real...


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[Assistant] She knew, she knew about it. She knew everything. She's like, whatever. It's the price I pay for being married to power.


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[Assistant] Uh oh. I know who that's gonna be about.


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[Assistant] Oh, the story that this road tells!


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[Assistant] Here we fart. Here we go. Here's the thing. You left that the other way.


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[Assistant] You have seen the comments, I've seen them too. What's up? You look pregnant.


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[Assistant] It's very exciting. Thug number two. Thug number two. Two thugs in the house now.


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[Assistant] Well we fucked up on the last one because we were gonna go with, uh, Ruth's Chris, Tom's Ruth's Chris.


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[Assistant] Dominoes. Or Domino. What about Thin Crust?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Domino sounds kinda like a cool name. Like, what's up Domino?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, there's a lot to cover. Uhm, we'll talk about all this stuff and the naming of our second thug and more. Uhm, but let's get the show started and let's keep it, uh, fun. You know, I mean, people's main concern obviously when


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we had a kid last time, they're like, oh, is having a kid gonna make you squares or make you no more fun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My new special, Disgraceful, on Netflix over the weekend, I've got, I really received


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, between comments and emails, I think thousands of messages. So I thank you all for them. Uh, much love, no hate. F all the haters. But, uh, it's been overwhelming. Um, people telling me that I'm nasty as hell. I'm the nasty champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody was telling me they're like, it's funny, you're nasty as hell, you're so gross, you're nasty. No, no, no. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've even attacked me for being so nasty. You're like, you tell me how nasty I am about farts and like how I'm just, I talk and think just disturbed, deprave things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My register is an impact, but I'm definitely aware of the crown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, what I asked you was, do you know, do you know what a ball hog is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Okay, so it's a sports term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, in sports, if you play basketball or soccer and somebody won't pass the ball,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have to say their name, they have to say that they're a ball hog, and then they have to just suck balls for like these whole things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not really. I mean, I should. Try it out. You know? Be fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're asking for a little much. I think they would probably be like, get outta here. That's, you're not, you're not doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't care about that part. They're like, this is a ball scene. Just balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, now that I want to be the entrepreneur, I think like go back 20 years and I go, uh, if I could go back in time and be like, I don't want the life that I have now. I want to go down the seedy path. I would start my own site called like garglemyballs.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, now you're thinking. And then I would be like, in the camera like, hey, it's me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Which one of you dumb hookers out there would suck on my balls? Nobody. And then some girl would walk in and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, back to period blood on your face, uhm, what about this video? Would you ever make that video? Which video would you make? Uhm, which one is more harmful to you, you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck, I mean. It's you, you're 20. Is it menstrual blood on the- cause I think that one would tell people. See, it's different signals you're sending.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the bald one might just be like, oh, she's, she needed money, she's desperate, she's sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this, you know, this thing about, oh, hey. Paul Gilmartin's here. This is not how this is supposed to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's stop. Alright. So, uh, we re-settled, uhm, and you wanna introduce our guest that is here? Yes, with us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's usually who it is, and then, and then, uh, you guys have done each other's podcasts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I've been stubborn about that shit more times than I'd like to admit in my life about like, nope, I'll just stay here and, and I'll just show everybody by staying here and not saying what I want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a, we were just playing this porn clip called Ball Hogs. Uhm, it's a- I'm not familiar with it. Uhm, well there's a line of, uh, I mean you're familiar with the term ball hog in terms of in sports. Oh, yes, yes. Like somebody who won't pass the ball. Right. So there's a series, an adult series called Ball Hogs, and it sounds like this. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we were talking about the ball clip and then we switched to this woman who is, uhm, she was explaining how she's trying to, what is it like, recapture her femininity or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, one of the things I'm happy about, what she did and what she's talking about is fucking gross, but it's nice that she's attractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a very interesting point. That she's doing like this, I'm connected to who I am, but she couldn't be more done up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, maybe, but maybe what she's talking about here is you taking that leap and knowing that, you know what, you should be okay. And how about you posting one of those videos of you taking a grunty shit and, and, and kind of knowing that it's okay, Paul, you're a person. I love the word grunty. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I actually think that like the ball hog one, you'd be like, you kind of have some empathy, like she's probably in a bad place and she needed some money. Uhm, like, but I think it's almost better to be a ball hog than crazy hat lady, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, you and your sisterhood have really, really challenged the definition of empowering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking James Cameron will see this. Yes. Oh yeah. That's like, you get like lost in the delusion of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel so good hearing you say that. To know that I'm not alone. Cause I've had like, I've had those same fantasies and like have thought about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, would I wear a tux, or would I wear like a suit to the MEC? Yeah, totally. And like, and take myself through the whole thing. Absolutely. And then you, like, then you get the call like, actually they, they didn't even say anything about your audition. They didn't even acknowledge that you auditioned. Yeah. We tried to find out, and they don't remember who you are. And I'm like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, do you get to perform the character, the Republican character, uhm, like on sta- uh, live stages? Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Cause I guess you could see the character now and be like, yeah, I believe that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know my favorite thing about like those guys in real life, and like that's why that line works so well, is like, uh, fifth grade level vocabulary, which they did this thing during like the, the, uh, the campaigns, like leading up to the election, and they actually found that like, uh, they studied all these interviews and speeches that Trump did, and found that he had, like he stayed in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Genius, right? Pretty much. Uhm, you were asking me last week how, uhm, how people in Star Wars communicate with like the monsters, you know, like the Wookiees and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you want a hot dog? Apparently this guy has like a, like, can teach you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got obsessed. I thought you were about to say I was 25 grand in debt. That too. That too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So how long, wait, how long have you been sober? Uh, 14 years. So, that's a long time. Congratulations. Thank you. Uhm, is there, was there something that you took to immediately after, like, your sobriety began? In other words, like, some people, as soon as they go sober, they're like, I really gotta get into


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good. It will be till the day I die. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. I mean I think what a lot of people at least hear about or some of us know people that go sober and some of them get really into fitness and exercise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One guy who does, I think he does double that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A day. Over ice. Uhm. You? No. I do, I do a lot, but, no, this dude does just straight up espresso on ice. And when he pisses, it's just a bean, come on. And like he, he, and he does the hardcore workouts, and he does, uh, lots of candy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you like? I'm pretty, I'm pretty much a purist, pretty simple with, I like vanilla ice cream with chocolate chip, but not mint chocolate chip, just regular chocolate chip. I hate mint flavored anything, yucky. But like one of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like the offset with like that crunchy chocolate


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like the, the bullshit though is, cause I tried it for a while when I was buying it more, is like, like you know, soy ice cream. Fuck soy, fuck that shit man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the knock off, like this isn't real ice cream, is dog shit. You gotta have real ice cream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'll fucking eat it, you know, but I always feel like I wish I had ice cream right now. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And he got real fucking depressed when, when I, we haven't spoken to him in a long time, but man, when he went down this, this kind of depression cycle, he went down the food, and uh, he was drinking a fucking two liter, like sitting down. With sugar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, uh, uh, Pepsi Max, which is like their, their amped up Pepsi. And then he was doing, um, he would get a six pack of Cinnabons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He became a diabetic. Yeah. Through it. Well, he reached his goal. He would eat. So of the six, he would eat one, two, three, four, and the inside of five. And then, so he would have one and a half left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck off. To see someone in that and not know what's going on is like really alarming. Cause I think all of us were like, what the fuck are you doing right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so embarrassing, but I remember when I lived alone, it was like a year after I moved out here and I would go down those like long rabbit hole porn searches and I remember one time I got a phone call from one of my aunts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But realizing that I was so in the zone, like zoned out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I was like, yeah, no, yeah, it would be good to see you, and then I would...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep clicking through stuff and seeing and they're like no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're doing your porn searches. No, that's usually sports.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are your sports? I'm just a big football fan. I like college football. You used to play, right? No, no. I mean, I played high school football, but, but I mean, I like college football and I'll watch highlights and I'll be like, oh, that's crazy. And, but I don't know. I get, I get sucked into that, but not, not, I don't get like zoned out by that really. I get zoned out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're not out of control. That's what I'm saying. But like, yeah, I mean, when, I don't know, anytime I've been around any pregnant woman who's like, I gotta eat, I'm just like, all right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best was his, his, um, his sheet for like how you should eat was clearly how he eats. Cause he was like a very like thin, you know, you could tell like type it like in control guy. And it was like have four almonds, have this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy would be the kind of guy that is from another planet, and I think here he actually shifts to another language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what I, what I discovered was Italian is so much easier for me. Because it's close to Spanish. Yeaah, there's a lot, like all the pronunciations are pretty similar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I have like, what are we gonna do, another couple years? So I know I'm gonna have some fun. With a second kid? Soon. Uhm. Doesn't matter. But, yeah, I'm still, I'm doing the Italian, just be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just learn like, learn a couple basics. I think anywhere you go, it's like, just learn how to say like, excuse me, thank you, please. For even for like a basic trip, it's like, it goes a long way. Or like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll never forget being in Paris and having lunch at a nice restaurant with some other students. We were actually in Madrid, but we went over to Paris for a couple days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're sitting in this restaurant and the server comes up and one of the girls who's American turns to them and she goes, English right? And I was like, and then everybody at the table was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Head down. And the guy was like, yes I do, I do speak English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He even saw from our looks how embarrassed we were. I was like, why can't you just say, like, can't you learn to say, you know, excuse me, do you speak English? Or like, I don't, I don't speak French, you know, but no, she had to go, English, right? He was like, yeah. And also like, I've dealt with your type a lot. Yeah, assholes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if the dick is so long it touches the water? I learned this from my husband. He goes all in. Love you, mommy, Tina. Thank you, Jean, for choosing my husband in the audience Friday to say his body is dog shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But think, it either has to be in the bowl or outside the bowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it does touch, you do touch the porcelain. It's kind of gross when you're in public restrooms. Sometimes you're like, I'll lay a tissue down just for my own peace of mind. Because like you're touching the porcelain. But I mean, yeah, it's just how it is. It's gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mine doesn't hang low enough. You know what I'm saying. I like that she was like, what if it touches the water? It's like, do you know what kind of hang you're talking about right now? That water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you sit on enough toilets where there's also weird, um, mechanisms for toilets. Sometimes you'll sit on a toilet, you hit flush, and it has like water comes up and then goes down, so you'll, you'll jump because the water will raise up to your balls. But like for the most part your balls are, unless you're a ball hog, in which case, you know, uh, then, then you get your, your balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree. We've had the discussion that when we are introduced to it, we're basically too young, you're a kid, but we were watching pretty much 80s porn, where the thrill was just that you're having sex with some- like that was- Yea, you were seeing a vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so great that I get to have sex with you. Like that was, that was the interaction that you were saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's because, I don't know, maybe as the exposure of it grew, people became more desensitized, so then it heightened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to pull up the, uh, it says that there's the most popular


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Milk is big. It looks like, uh, hentai. That's the, uh, Japanese. Yeah. Uh, cuck. Cuck holding was big. Lesbian. Wow. That whole crazy term. Uh, gay. Big. These are the biggest searches of 2017 according to point out how quickly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, and the most viewed categories for women, uh, like in the US?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The biggest term for, uh, search term for women was lesbian. As same as South America. In Africa, you'll never believe it, the biggest search term was ebony. Uhm, Russia, it's anal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those are kind of it. And then mature and teen. Teen is a popular term as well. Oh yeah, I've heard that's a big one. Yeah. But I think you're right, it's not like airtight six dicks or, yeah, it's not like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, uhm, what is the, let's see here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can I combat them? 90% of the time, I'm a solid 1-2 wiper. Occasionally I get stuck wiping for at least 10 minutes. Nuts. Really destroys a good roll of toilet paper. Any help is appreciated. Keep it non-binary. Zach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That first shit in the house, you actually remember. You really do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad has multiple theories on it. It's wipe direction, like Paul was saying, diet. And sometimes he goes, you gotta let things settle. So what he, cause I've asked him, he goes, what you need to do buddy is you stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of things will realign inside of you, because sometimes it's just the way that you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sitting in the way your insides kind of goes, stand up, kind of let things go back together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brown's not all over you, you just have a hole, it's like leaking basically, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we've been talking about, my dad says things incorrect, like mispronounces so many words. Uhm, so we're getting a lot of emails about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Along the lines of our parents saying things wrong, when I was a child we had a cat. For the longest time, I thought that his name was Charlie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no. He says you run like a lady. I don't know what that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, well, my dad is, but see, like, that's an accent that you're hearing. My dad...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's been doing it for like, like, we were talking about when he was here for the holidays, uh, like, I don't know, Casino was on and my dad was like, that's uh, Joe Pesky, right? Joe Pesky. And we're like, yeah, but haven't you heard his name like 10,000 times? Like, why would you call him Pesky? And he says like all types of words, like a few degrees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, we were discussing all our theories on it, like could it be brain damage? I think it's for like my dad, it is actually a lack of paying attention. In other words, it's kind of like being half into the conversation. We're watching, he goes, you know, you don't hear a lot about in the news these days is that Gerald Kushner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, Jared? And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. So in other words, it's like, you know what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You also, it's where you start to, part of it is aging, but I think that having the kid exacerbates this is your separation from pop culture. Oh, forget it. So you're so into this, you know, taking care of this being and all your home life that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things kind of pass you by. It happens more when you have a kid, I think, where you're like, someone will bring up, you're like, who's that? And they're like, who's the number one artist in the country right now? And you're like, I don't know who that is. And it just kind of passes you by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we made a, I mean, it wasn't on purpose, but such a shift, I feel like, within the last four years or so, where things on television, if it's on TV- Doesn't mean anything. I don't- I don't even know it. First of all, like, my wind down of like, I wanna watch something, involves Netflix,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Itunes, like, you know, renting things or watching a movie, uhm, maybe Amazon Prime, and like, if there's a show like that on NBC Fox, I'm like, there's zero percent chance, unless like a friend's on it, and they're like, I'm on this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like I don't watch it, but that's good for you. I know the name of the show, but I mean, yeah, so like those things just go past me now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, exactly. What's your sport? What do you like? Hockey. Hockey. Yeaah. But you're a northeastern guy or? Chicago. Chicago guy. That one makes sense. Yeaah. It's a great sports town. It is. Are you also a Bears fan and a Bulls fan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I feel like your fandom, if you have like ownership issues, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was born in Cincinnati, and we left when I was a kid, but we left the year they went to the Super Bowl in 88. With Boomer? Yeah. And like, I was such a die-hard fan. Um, but then what I discovered is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And you realize too that you're like, that's so, it's a real thing that a team can suck for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, they were dog shit. Awful. Awful. Thanks!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's bad, and then you can, and then the flip side, you see like, like, let's say like the Steelers ownership, you're like, that's like a family that they love, the team, the city, they want to win, they do things the right way, and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think, I do think, I mean it sounds kind of cliche sports speak, but it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They develop a system and like, uh, here's a, it's like a culture, like in a company. Here's the way we do things here. And when you get people to really buy into like, this is how we work here and, and you have integrity and you have good values for like how they probably treat employees all the way on down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that that becomes something that people really buy into. I mean, for all the shit people talk about, the Patriots and all that, it's like, you know, I think they have a real culture going in that organization.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People say, like, will say they know it, but they don't act on it. As if you're a fan of anything. Doesn't, I mean, it could be sports, it could be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you go, I'm not going to support that thing anymore. That's really the only way you'll see change. In other words, like in Cincinnati, they'll still sell that fucking stadium out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No matter what they're doing, people will still buy tickets to the game. And so that lets the owners go like, well, you don't have to fucking do anything. We're making money. Let's roll the dice. If you want to hurt them, like stop going to the games. Stop buying tickets to games and you'll see something will change. Go in the parking lot and set off cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is a question, we get questions about all types of things, but here's a question about little people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in the bathroom cutting my solid brown in half with my powerful urine stream. I had a thought, you know how when adults refer to their childhood, they start off by saying when I was little. Do adult little people refer to their childhood by saying this also? Do they say when I was a little smaller? I can't get this off my mind. I need some answers here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is kind of an interesting language question, because you do say when I was little, and if you're a little person you might be like, when I was really little? I don't know, I mean it's kind of silly. They probably say when I was young or when I was younger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when I was half the size of half of you. My girlfriend can't tell the difference between left and right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has to hold her hands in front of her and make an L with each hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's a smoke chauffeur. Hey, Brad, send photos next week because we're pretty sure she's lightning, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I find out is that when you live in a certain neighborhood, especially in Los Angeles, you get your orientation, but when you leave that neighborhood and you go to another just neighborhood in LA, for me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I lose the sense of all direction. I don't know why, but yeah, like it's like I'm standing in, uh, Hollywood. I'll know north, south, east, west. But if I go to Burbank, I'll start be like, yeah, it's south of this. And they're like, that's north. I'm like, no, that's not north. And then, yeah, it just throws me off. I don't know why I leave neighborhoods and I can't orientate myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super orgasms, do you know what that is? Our producer just threw this into our folder. I have no idea what this is. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like Europeans have so much more fun than us. I feel like that no one American will be in this, uh, video clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think we, what cum hugging is. No. So, cum hugging, there's a, I'm trying to pull this up for you. There's a, oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's these two people who say that, uh, you can come just by hugging and going to their seminar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it feels like some bullshit though, right? It really does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just yeaah, drench yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, that's a really good question. I mean, it was definitely, in that, in those terms, I think of like, this is an emergency. So it's probably something that's not mine, you know? So like, it's probably like somebody, like a parent's clothing or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it out. Yeah, they're, they're, they're so uncomfortable. Because I, I've seen that clip now like 40 times and I'm still like, phew, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we both kind of, like when people are like that, I get uncomfortable with their, it's almost like their level of sharing. Like I can make, I come, I'm like, just fucking don't need to know about it, you know? I'm not prude, but I'm just like, I don't, I don't want to know. I don't need to know how much you can come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Even like, what was that uh, movie that was Sutley Mazarov movie? I can't even sit through it!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I turned off La La Land when they started singing in the first scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the dinners on the first night of the, of the get together. I said, Hey, dad's turning 70 tomorrow. Do you think you guys are going to 69 tonight to celebrate it like a child? And she was like, what? And everybody laughed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we kept teasing her about it all weekend. So we told our listeners about it and we asked them to ask their parents if they're going to 69 at 70 and get it on camera and they've been sounding in videos. And you get a wide range of reactions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The parent is playful, sometimes they're stunned, sometimes they get really upset, which is my favorite. Uhm, but, so I don't know what these, these are new ones that came in. Oh my god, do I love that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did too, cause that glare was like, the fuck are you asking me? But then she did kinda smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I could go with you on that. I think it might not work out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then sometimes she's like, she seems fun. And then, what the hell did you just ask me right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's his girlfriend that's like, you're disgusting. Like, you're the weirdest. You hear her? Yes. God. Totally judging. But this lady was actually fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was Matt G. Thank you for sending that in. Yeah, it's like, everybody's been a good time so far, right? I was trying to find the one, there was one, was this it? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, his jeans are tight. I know. I wanted to find the really disapproving mom. Oh, I love those. Uh, I don't remember which episode it was in though, but there was one lady who got so


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[Assistant] Like controlled anger. She's like, what are you doing right now? Why would you disrespect me with a question like that? It's so fucking fantastic.


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[Assistant] Why would you ask me that? Why would you say that? It's really terrible you would talk to me like that.


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[Assistant] Happy hour. You've been doing that for a while. Six years is a long, long run. So there's hundreds of episodes. Yeah. I don't know when it's going to get canceled.


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[Assistant] It certainly is. Try it out. Try it out. Uhm, alright, uhm, thank you for coming over today. Thank you for having me, I appreciate it. Any other plugs besides the podcast? No, I think that's it. Okay.


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[Assistant] Thanks for coming. Yeah, it was super fun. Super fun. You have to come back. Please come back. Alright, we'll see you next week. Thanks again for listening and have a good one guys.


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[Assistant] I'm your mom and you're my son and I am falling in love with him.


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[Assistant] He said, are you really? I said, yes I am. He said, you know what? I was scared to let you know too. I am too.


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[Assistant] Bert Krosh, uh, you are a fat cunt. Uh, you're a fatter cunt than Tom Segura, mate.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I know my, you know, my parents might fool you, I've been on a giant diet and life changing stuff. Uhm, I've dropped about 100 pounds in 8 months. Awesome. So we're going to consider this my cheat.


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[Assistant] My day for the year. But, you know, prep these gallons of water. You know, I have two giant inspirations. First, my wife. It's our second anniversary today, so I want to say hi to her.


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[Assistant] That's why I get my name Snake for them. I ain't afraid of them. Never have been, except whenever I was a kid.


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[Assistant] It's just not a natural thing we would do in our society to drop your trouser and relieve yourself when you know there's people around, especially.


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[Assistant] 52 year old mother of two Beverly is super orgasmic and believes practicing tantric sex is what leads to super orgasm. I'm a priestess of love and sacred sexuality. Do you think? It's very natural for me if I'm making love with a partner to have many, many orgasms where my whole body is flowing with sexual energy.


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[Assistant] Because that was like such a, the hard cock cum seno. It was right there. The hard cock cum seno. It was right there. Those reporters were super attractive.


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[Assistant] Miami LA Jew Dork Titties. Good looking people.


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[Assistant] Why? What is it with the latins and the sexy? What is that?


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[Assistant] But the irony is that they're deeply Catholic, so then you have this...


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[Assistant] This weird juxtaposition of like hypersexual and then hyper catholic and they love their mothers. It's a very maternal culture.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and remember when we were in Puerto Rico?


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[Assistant] My holy grail. And I felt like I was visiting the wailing wall. You know what I mean? For me it was just that personal to finally go to Puerto Rico. Of course. Remember the towels?


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[Assistant] They would sell beach towels that were just like naked boners. Just naked people, like painted.


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[Assistant] That's not sexual? That's not sexual. Not at all. That's not sexual, guys. It's just a bunch of guys just hanging out.


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[Assistant] That's so funny. See, uhm, us Eastern blockers, we're pretty sexual too, but we keep it, no, like, they make out in public, like the kids, but that's cause everyone lives with their parents until they're 30.


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[Assistant] But I like that culture, I feel comfortable in that.


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[Assistant] I like it too. You know, my own tribe makes me a little uncomfortable.


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[Assistant] They're supposed to. Eastern Blockers, it's all about making you feel not welcome. I feel like it's uncomfortable.


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[Assistant] Yeah, see, I, I actually, I view it the opposite because in Latin culture, sometimes they're so polite that they don't tell you, like for me, I have to be hit over the head because I grew up that way. They just tell you like you're a fucking piece of shit and you, that's how you communicate. I'm actually used to a more over the head form of communication.


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[Assistant] Okay. She's so sweet, but that's all I-


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[Assistant] Uh, she's so sweet. We have a housekeeper that we've had for years too. She's from, she's Cuban.


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[Assistant] And last week she was here cleaning and there's been an evolution in her phone game.


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[Assistant] Like at first it was like occasionally she'd be on her phone cleaning the house, like taking calls.


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[Assistant] You don't, you don't need to think a whole, you know, it's, it's busy work essentially. Like you have to think, but not, it's not focus. And then it evolved to like the Bluetooth, right? Like was there a, oh no, no, she would use the earpiece.


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[Assistant] So anyway, I have no, actually I have no problem with it. She does a great job. It doesn't interfere with her work. She gets to talk to her friends. Why not? Uh, but now it's evolved to, she just puts them on speakerphone and then puts the phone on the counter. So now we hear both sides of the conversation in Spanish, which is fine too. It is funny though. Cause she'll be like, wait, who's talking? Oh, it's, it's our cleaning lady. She's on the phone with somebody again.


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[Assistant] I like how she speaks Spanish, it's cool. I heard her one time, uh.


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[Assistant] I know, I'm so exhausted, and I'm so happy, and I'm so grateful. We didn't tell anybody, but you came.


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[Assistant] And it was the best surprise ever to the audience and they freaked out and people really seemed to enjoy that the jeans were one pair. And I'm so glad you came with me Gene, I'm so thankful.


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[Assistant] It was super fun. And I'm so glad you were there just so that I didn't freak out day of. Like I, I didn't freak out.


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[Assistant] I freaked out three months ago, you know, when you know, like, oh shit, there's a, there's a date now. Like there's a fucking thing. And then day of I could sleep the night before I was fine, but then I felt myself around 2 PM getting in hair and makeup. That's when like the terror started to kick in.


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[Assistant] That's a lot of money and a lot of people's livelihoods essentially.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, which ended up being like the best special that everyone loves.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was, it was fine. It was really, it was a really...


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[Assistant] I was, I was really, here's the thing, it took me 14 years to get here. Amazing. And I'm kind of glad it took.


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[Assistant] That long, because I think had I done this, we were just talking about this this morning, had I done this even five years ago, three years ago, I would have been shitting in my pants. So I think it took like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It took, it took longer and I'm glad it did. I'm thankful for it because it gave me the time to calm the fuck down and just like enjoy and enjoy the day. I was actually more sad about


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[Assistant] Uh, halfway through the first show, you know, they, they get out and they tell you guys, hey, don't, don't get up and take a piss, don't pull your phone out. Cause we're taping and it interferes with the cameras, blah, blah, blah. So halfway through my set, and maybe less, a quarter way, I hear,


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[Assistant] I was flushing the toilet and you can hear it in the showroom and I was like, I gotta hold for sound, like I can't just tell my joke through toilet flushing. And then it ended up being like this crazy moment and I'm like, who is shitting in the middle of my show?


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[Assistant] Well I don't know if you know this, I mean I don't mean to be talking out of turn here, but I am the queen of improv.


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[Assistant] Yeah, special, very special. My cousin Julie came down.


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[Assistant] She and her husband live in Washington now, so it was good to see her too. And you know, it was special. Very cool. I look great. I love my outfit. My jeans were high, super tight. Are you going to wear jeans on your next taping?


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[Assistant] Right, I mean here's the thing, as someone that has done this before. Done what? Nothing. I've kissed peepees before, so.


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[Assistant] That, uh, you kind of know when you can't breathe, so why wouldn't you just put your mouth, get your mouth away from it? So he must have choked her. He was probably pushing her head down.


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[Assistant] That's interesting. What a neat point. I wish you would bring that up to the judge.


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[Assistant] How could you choke yourself on someone's dick? That's stupid. He killed her. They should rethink that shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't realize how popular a choice that would be.