[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was just for Karen. And as you can see she's sleeping in a cardboard box with her two children. So she takes care of her children and they're fenced in with chicken wire. So she does love her kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's getting his ankle bracelet taken off from prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's absurd. Well maybe, maybe someone can make a video like this for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, are we done with these? No, there's more, I'm sure. No, there's more, but are we done? No, I wanna see more. Please, I spent so much time curating these for the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like it, it's slow, it's wearing you down. You're getting into it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One more, just please one more. That's it, that's the last one. Oh, that's the finisher. Yeah, that was a good closer. I love this so much. This gives me a window into humanity like nothing else, TikTok. I'm fascinated. I could spend all day on it. Uuuhhh, fucking love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a feeling though, Josh, once you see that cash rolling in. He is, it is rolling in. No more, now that he's up to a hundred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you have to do like every single person's video, they have a different need, a different request.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh, you really think that that's what everybody really wants? Oh, I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as a sex worker, do you do all the dirty videos at once and then like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Milwaukee, that is Milk Donkey. Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Boston, huge tits, September 5th, 6th, and 7th. And then I'm doing One Night in Vegas, September 22nd at the Life is Beautiful Festival with Billie Eilish! Isn't that cool? Oh, and jeans. I'm so excited. Hopefully I'll get to meet her. I don't know. October 3rd through 5th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nashville, Tennessee at Zany's, October 17th, Spermvine, Irvine, right here, Irvine Improv, November 22nd, Seattle, Washington, and then November 23rd, Portland, Oregon. Tickets are at Christina P. Online. I'll be announcing 2020 pretty soon and I'll be going out to other cities, more cities then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jean. Uh. Oh, sorry, one more thing. Check out where my mom's at if you haven't already. Uh, it's a podcast for moms that's not totally soul sucking and lame. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I remember when my mom married my stepdad. She used to go to this women's gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an app where people leave nice fun videos like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope. And he does all of his TikToks in this makeup. Full Joker makeup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. See? I mean, potato potato.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the party guy's belly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hash roll will get ya, that's what it'll get ya. And I'm like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, Oregon passed the law to where each bag you use is a nickel, unless you bring your own. No! It is not my fucking fault!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't pay attention, that's on you. You do not get to turn me into your verbal punching bag. I don't give a shit. If you're having a shit day, you don't need to beat me up because of it. If you don't like it, get the fuck out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's the other gene? It's one mommy one gene today. Where am I looking at this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, my husband had to travel for work. He's very busy. He's gearing up to shoot all kinds of stuff. So it is just, it's myself and I have Josh Potter the Cucaracha here today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, so let's just get into it. I'm so excited. This one I've been, I've been, guys, I've been creating these painstakingly for you for weeks, saving the best content. Okay. This is, this is my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So don't worry, the rest of this episode we have, uh, Melissa Villasenor. I'm just doing the intro here with the help of Josh, but later Melissa and Tom will be here. And just a special note, you may notice we don't bring up, uh, what's the guy's name? Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, so otherwise, you know, we would have gotten the tea, but we did not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's gonna be awesome, you guys are gonna love it. Uhm, but first, should we get into this big stuff here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go. Alright, you guys, check out our merch store. We have so many items. What do we have right now, Nadav, to tell these people in merch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so it's merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura for, uh, YMH merch for Two Berries One Cave merch. Also, check out our other shows. We have, uh, The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler, Dr. Drew After Dark, my favorite. And of course, where my mom's at, Hellerer, where I talk about, uh, real mom's issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But not in a lame way. And then the new one that Leanne Kreischer and I are doing just for the month of October. It's so over October where Leanne dishes all the dirt on what life is like with Bert Kreischer. Is that what it's become? Pretty much. Cause truth be told, my husband doesn't struggle with sobriety. That's not really an issue in our marriage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, I missed the other one. There was one more podcast I had to plug. Oh, Two Bears, One Cave. And there you have it. Uhm, okay, but again, since Tom is not here, you ready to see? Are we gonna go back to the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't look good in overalls when you are fat. You only look good when you're like really skinny and cute. Cause you know, your body is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But isn't there utility to the overall, like it's a worker's outfit? I get it if you're like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause my dad was a mechanic and he wore the cov- they're called coveralls. And I was always like, oh I wish I could wear coveralls just all every day of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm assuming this is like another lane of like gay fetish, where it's the- is that the train?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I get him some shit from the gap, bro. Yeah, cause now it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's a pedophile before he's gay. That's what I'm saying. But would you wear the stupid kind he's got on with the denim and the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, the hat. No wait, where's his follow-up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right, you're right. Okay, sorry, so this guy too, uh, before we even roll, let's do some checks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at the fan, check. Look at the bad angle, check. The only problem is the lighting is good and the audio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that he's like, well, I'm just here with my wolf tooth and my pentagram. Yeah, he puts it in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew goth some goth people when I was goth that would have their teeth filed into vampire teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put it this way, humanity is so stupid and doomed that when there was a Taco Bell chihuahua, people went out and got chihuahuas and there was a problem with people not caring for their chihuahua. That's how stupid people are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Dalmatian population booms and people don't take care of them and they end up in shelters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what do you think the Satanism has to do with being a wolf? I wasn't aware of the crossover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's such a good point, Josh. Did you watch any of the Twilight films?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you look unhealthy and like you don't go out in the sun ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like if, if, you know the girl, if she likes to fuck, she's team Jacob.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll finger you. But he don't fuck like Jacob. I'm so glad we had this time together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'll just, because I've decided, like, let's first of all, I'm not a hoe, like I'm not like a hoe like these girls are with, you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And plus you can tell, like, if you do the taste test, like, does it, does this person seem healthy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to swap your dick for that, don't they?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Yeah, you have to ask. I think it's a blood draw for herbs. I'm not sure. What? Yeah, I think it's blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's ask soccer drew about it. Put that down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, the stories, if you wanna see what I'm curating, go to my Instagram stories, I put them up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, I've been sitting on this for a while. Uhm, my friend 95pigeons, thank you, shout out to 95pigeons, sent me this one a while ago, and this is one that has stuck with me for a couple weeks. This is a gentleman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's made some bad decisions. See if you can guess what the decisions are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead and google, is it Bozo the Clown?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, if you Google like old school Bozo the Clown, it's actually I think a rip off of that. Uh, rip off, sorry, an homage to the original.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you know Bozo the Clown. It's like also a rodeo clown. This man had it tattooed on his face. Thick black bars over his eyes. The mouth is totally tatted around it like a black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got the cheeks. He's got a big polka dot on his nose. On the tip of his nose. It's fully in black. And he blames drugs and alcohol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's like, I was really messed up and I got... I've never seen that ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know all this history. So, what happens, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Believe it or not kids, when you get bows of the clown tattoos on your face, kinda makes it hard to be employed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it is wild that he, uh, I mean, he committed. And I can only imagine the conversation leading up to this decision. You know where he's with his friends and he's ripped and he's like, well, it would be funny if I got, oh my god, a face tattoo. And we're like, good idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so he's gotta maintain himself around this horrible facial tattoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, facial tattoos are definitely a barrier to employment, to leading a meaningful life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, I think he is. He's cool as fuck. He works in, uh, uh, you know, kitchens. So, I think those guys are really talented. But also, he's like, handsome. Yea, he's good looking. You could do something, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a gun, yeaah. Now this guy though, so I did a dive on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it possible to really get out tattoos? Because I just met a friend over the weekend in Tennessee when I was there and he had a tiger over his heart for so many years and he had it removed, but you can still see remnants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But apparently, so to do this, what they have to do is laser your skin and they essentially burn a layer of skin every time you go in. There he is, so this is him getting-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at this, look how painful that is. So they have to scorch a layer of your skin and basically the skin grows back I believe and it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It unearths the ink, layer by layer by layer. So you have to do this over the course of two or three years. You have to wait for the skin to grow back, so that takes about two months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you keep going back and going back. Cause I, I watched this thing on YouTube about this other guy who was totally covered in face tattoos too. And his neck and he's like, my kid's afraid of me. All the other parents don't like me. I'm like, well yeah, you look like a maniac. Dude. Does this guy have health insurance?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool, can you imagine? And look at, right by his eyes, like. He's gotta do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think? I just hope they can get it off of his face. Cause it's so thick. That ink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I know you're, that's a really good point, to do this in your thirties, like you're in your twenties, gotcha, alright. You got carte blanche in your twenties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you look like a fucking idiot in your forties. Like, I see people walking around in their sixties with like, sleeve tattoos. I'm like, it looks-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, there's two things I secretly, well not secretly, I just, I love. I love the door knocker. You're saying? I would have a door knocker. In your nose? Love it. I think it looks so dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, look. These look so bad. There you go. Some door knockers. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That looks like a cow. That's terrible. Or some shit. Laughing cow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, and I also want knuckle tattoos. I do like the way they look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here's what I wanna do, bro. This is my plan. I've told Matt Folchron and I came up with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I get so wealthy, this is my dream, one day I'm gonna make so much, I'm gonna have so many millions of dollars that I'll have fuck you money, and then I can do whatever I want. So I'm gonna tattoo f-u-c-k-y-o-u and then a dollar sign. So anybody's like, what's up with your knuckle tats? They'll be like, well, I got fuck you money. Fuck you, don't ask me shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People I did road rolls with, uh, two or three of them got road rolls tattoos on their bodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it? It's a dragon. It's a dragon. It's small. It's like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about you, native? Any piercings? Tats? Any- He's Jewish, he can't have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. What about you? Any chats? Piercings?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I kinda see you having a cool guy tattoo. I feel like he could rock the inner arm. Like this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you don't, like, I don't, there's very few things I've liked since I was 14. I like the Pixies, I like the Clash, I like Bauhaus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, cause usually foreigners are of the mind that, like, my dad would always be like, tattoos are for prisoners. It looks like shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Like, they don't, foreigners aren't so, like, especially our dads age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think you got your ability to crush puss from your dad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, can I just tell, I'm gonna tell the audience, we, we were at Flippers. By the way, Flappers, I do, I've extended my residency every Thursday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're at Flavers, and like, the cutest, hottest patootie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm into it too and I'm happy for you. I'm not coming at this from a hater perspective. I'm coming at this from a tutorial perspective for the other men listening. What are you doing that they can do as well? Is it the personality?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we'll get into it later when Tom returned because I have a feeling he'll want in on this action. So let's get on with some business and then we'll do our interview with Melissa Villaseñor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so first let me plug away flappers again in the Yoohoo room every Thursday. Uhm, the cockroach comes with me. And then Irvine, October 17th. Are you doing that show with me too, cockroach?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. October 25th, Pasadena. I have an 8 o'clock show, a 10 o'clock show at the Ice House. That's gonna be freakin' so rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, Flappers the 14th of November, the 21st, Flappers, and then Seattle almost sold out at the Neptune Theater, guys. I don't think I'm gonna add a second show, so if you want those tickets, snap them up, there's literally a handful left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] November 23rd, Portland, Oregon at the Aladdin Theater. Again, those are almost completely gone. So snatch them up, homies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] December 5th in the Yoohoo, December 12th in the Yoohoo, December 19th, Yoohoo, motherfucker, and then, uh, 2020 dates are gonna be coming up soon. I'll be hitting, I'm just a little put out there. Jew dork titties, I'll be returning, jim-wah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that in Iowa? Des Moines, yeaah. Some other places forgotten already. Oh, and speaking of Des Moines, my husband, uh, is there uh, is this tomorrow night? I don't know. Anyway, Des Moines, go see him there, Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lincoln, Nebraska, he'll be doing that. Sioux City, Iowa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the 11th Mini Appletits, again, for two shows in Fartgo, North Dakota on the 12th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he goes to Europe, and he starts in my homeland of Budapest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That goes to Paris and London, I'm so jellies, I wish I could go. Salford, uh, Dublin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, where else? King, oh, oh, oh, and he just told me to tell you guys he added a show in New York, uh, November 6th, November 7th, he just added a show in Judork, so look that up as well. Yea, the Judork Titties one, uhm, and then Ben Salem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, barfalo, 11-9, 11-10, Syracuse, we go to Charlotte, Pensacola, Jesus Christ, how does he do this every week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Austin, I gotta tell you, Austin, again, in November, go go go, Melbourne, Florida, Miami, Erie, Pennsylvania, Columbus, Ohio, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Windsor, Ontario, my birthplace, Honoururu, and then Kalukula Kalukahai.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at how much my husband works. Boo boo, I love you. And can I tell you something, for all the wives listening, I'm gonna brag about what a fucking rad wife I am, because I know my husband works a lot. When he comes home on Sundays, we have treats on Sunday, and I cook just for him because he works so motherfucking hard. And I pet his bare fur, and I love him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, not all the time. I was sick a lot this month, but I, I take care of that painter. Don't you worry about it. I love you Tom Segura. Thank you for working so hard for my family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's how you do it. That's what I remember, Tom. I used to do that with you. I'd be like, I'm manifesting. I'm going to be on Netflix. I'm going to do this. That's always how you do it. And then you figure out a way it comes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I remember a time when you were kind of in between stuff


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you would just crank out these impressions on Instagram. You did Hailey, Hailey Joel Osment. Aw man. You did Gwen Stefani.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm. And that's when you started putting your stuff on Instagram? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you submit it again. So you're saying you submitted every season. Almost every season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and then you submit to SNL, you just had a show in front of a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you go to New York and you're 20, what, how old now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did you do for your audition? So you're meeting Lorne for the first time. Do you do your impressions for him that first time? Like what Sandler talks about where it's just him and like three other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What he's trying to say is a Down syndrome guy who can run really fast. Faster than most regular Olympians. Shouldn't he be able to run alongside Usain Bolt? Why do they have to have a special Olympics?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Like if they have the same talent and aptitude, what's the problem?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do you think they should also be delivering our groceries?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, uhm, Benicio del Toro, but he's more scummy than creepy, but I like that look too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't like magic? Not like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I would be the hypnotist and I'm like, you gotta come, Tom. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I go higher up so I don't, the riff raff's lower. And away from the elevators.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I love it so much. And we're talking about how do you, how do you do this? How the fuck do you do this? Tell me your method.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so depressed about that. I don't know, it makes me sad for people when I see them threatening people on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like just go to that person's house and fuck with them, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, one of the things I hated about the Groundlings when I did it is that I inherently wanted to do male characters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where was I? I was just somewhere a day or two ago, and I was like, hold it in, hold it in, hold it in, and then I just ripped. I let it go in public, and a woman walked right through it. I was like, oh well, there it goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then what do you do on, so you work all week and you're working on a sketch and then you get cut, meaning he cuts, Lauren will decide on what, Saturday evening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's arbitrary. There's a lot of things that go into being cut, but that happens last minute, right? Like Saturday afternoon or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, so you're all juiced up, and you're like, I'm gonna get to do my Billie Eilish, and ba ba ba ba, and then it's, sorry, who tells you it's cut? How do you find out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That go on the side. Do you have to pretend like you're cool? You're just whatever, like how do you handle it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We forget what good, listen, I don't think people know as performers how


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, can we get these celebrity guests to fucking memorize their lines in the sketches? Cause nothing bothers me more when you can tell when the person's reading off the cue card. It makes me, it's made me angry since I was a little girl. I know. Everybody kinda uses it, right? Not everybody, not you guys. You guys are great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that makes sense. If they're having last minute changes and that's not your normal environment, I get it. How nervous were you the very first time you had to do a sketch? I was so nervous. What did you do? Did you shit a lot that day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I listen to a cast member talk about the show, I'm like, I don't know how you do it. The anxiety. But yes, thank you. And I will take you up on that if we're there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hear me out. I would love to hear it. Thank you. I want more farts stuff, you know. Hey, this is the house that farts built.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, is it good? Have you seen the- I'm going to New York this weekend for the premiere. I saw a rough cut so I know I'm not like, I'm not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did see a rough cut. I did see a rough cut. How do you feel about seeing yourself perform? I felt okay about it. Yeah. I felt like, uh, there's stuff, here's where, here's why I'm happy. There was probably places where I could have done more. Yeah. But there weren't a bunch of places where I should have done less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a weird process. He had actually written this part for Kindler. The guy did. The guy did. The director and writer, CJ Wallace is his name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, and I just, you know, and, and, and it was a lead part for Kindler, and he wrote it in Andy's voice kind of, it was, it was really for him. And I just, and he was a fan of our podcast, and I just said, hey, give me a cameo role, and we'll come down and we'll record the podcast on set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, huh. And so for a few months, that's what I was doing. And then right before he shot...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was supposed to have back surgery soon and I was like, hey, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you need to, if you need to go without me, go ahead, because I know you're having delays and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think you do. And it's like I do. And I'm like, alright, that's your problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just comes. I don't know. I found that you can't really memorize it until you're on set and it's on its feet. And then like it sort of comes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, speeches are a little harder, but when it's dialogue, it's like, you know, you're reacting to another piece of dialogue. So it helps you remember. Right, right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got a good piece of tape now. Maybe, maybe a horrible piece of tape. We don't know. But, uh, no, it was so weird because it actually made me feel less self-conscious when I was acting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, it was a bizarre sensation where I just kinda went, this dude has, looks like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of my career. I've had this amazing little taste of everything. Right. You know, I got to play on Broadway with Cinematic Titanic, the Mystery Science Theater guys, and I've got to play great theaters, and I've got, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was kind of that, it was kind of like, I've been, if, if, if this is what I'm really, if I'm gonna keep calling myself a comic, I need to first of all turn over this set and write another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just, it's my identity, you know. I started at 15, you know, and so that was the first identity. Where did you start at?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, cause I didn't look 15 and I didn't do material about it. And I was like this 300 pounds, 6 foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. So people thought I was like 23 and I never talked about it on stage. You never brought it up? Never brought it up. Did you know that? Like, don't bring it up? Well I knew it, I started going out on the road doing one-nighters when I was 16. Jesus. So like in like Bismarck, North Dakota.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew full well that them knowing I was 16 while I'm telling them to go fuck themselves, sit down, you know, it wasn't going to be good for my authority position. Right. So I just did material about commercials and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only lied once. My very first road trip, the guy I was going with had told the booker he thinks I'm 18, but I was 16 and I didn't correct him. But after that I just didn't drink in the clubs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except for, you know, like in Minneapolis they would, I was a regular so they'd just like hand me scotch on a coffee cup when I came in when I was like 17. Yeaah. But, uh, you know, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I wanted to be. I didn't wanna be aside from these people. I wanted to be one of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know that I was ever, uh, I was never in danger of being a sensation. Anyway, but, but I was like, you know, I was a working comic from like 16 on. That's wild. On the road. Like, I moved out here when I was 20. I did like 40 weeks on the road. Mostly feature weeks. And how old were you when you started Mystery Science Theater? 17.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At 18 when we went to Comedy Channel. Comedy Central.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so young, man. It was, it was, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it was the late 80s, so like, there was so much stage time in Minneapolis. It was such great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Audiences, you know, who would just sit there and let you suck, you know. You're great, we like you. Yeah. And so it was like this perfect sweet spot, and then I, you know, and I just happened to be in the right place for the Mystery Science Theater. It's unbelievable. It really is, man. It was fun. It's been a long...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Working on the new hour now. Yeah. Uh, wherever that leads, but yeah, and that's fun. It's fun to kind of start over. It is, right? Yeah, cause you really, you know, when you're building a set, as you both know, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's touching on what you want to touch and talk about. Right. But it isn't there. So now with a clean slate, it's like, I can try. You can try? I can try to talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They aggressively want to play through. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, they have taken over a golf course for a bar mitzvah, is my guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I meet an Israeli and they hear my last name, they're like, oh, you are a Jew. You are what? You are a Jew. You're one of us. Everything will be good. Yes, of course. This will be a very square deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't distrust at their face, but I do, but I, you know, I don't, I don't give, just because they're Jewish, more greed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On a trip, finish swimming, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying that. I do not think so. I think just a little drug called loneliness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yeaah, I heard don't work no ret. Don't work no ret? No. I'm not saying that's a word. Your niggas don't work no ret.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, yeaah, I think he is, uh, I think he's speaking his own little twin language. And you think it's Rhett? Huh? You think it's Rhett? I don't know, let me hear it again, please. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And the laughter of the friends saying, we only keep this guy around because he makes us laugh. Right. Right. There's that kind of mean laughter there. Uh huh. Not like, this is my favorite character you do laughter. Right. You know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Funny thing to hear a guy say, like a young guy be like, my slacks are torn. I have to go get my knickerbockers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, he's got, I mean, he's, you know, say what you want about his delivery, but it's all sound advice. It's great advice. It's great advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That says drunk, not brain damage. If he's normal when he's not drinking, that says drunk. Otherwise he would see more brain damage once over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean at a certain point it gets the eye roll level for me, but it doesn't gross me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, is it, are you disgusted by the sort of, by the actual what's happening or are you disgusted by the behavior?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's your orgasm. That's mine or my partner's? No, you. Yours. Yours. Okay. God. Or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I'd rather have the manchi-like orgasm. I think so too. Yeah. I can control when that happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think part of the bet should be you have to order a biscotti after you do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't miss a beat, so to speak. Not a beat. Beats and goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a real aversion to Europe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this a lot like your podcast with Andy? It's a lot like that. Except for he shrivels when you mention poop. Really? He doesn't like poop. That's his third rant. He doesn't like poop. He doesn't like poop stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, shit what? Shit in person. Oh yeaah. The smell of someone else's shit. Human feces. Yeaah, if that gets up my nose like a fishhook, that can make me...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's snazzy, but you know, it's a daytime premiere. So I didn't want to go full, like, tie. But you did coat, right? Jacket. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I just love it when it rains outside. Makes me feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very simple. It takes a lot of money to do what we do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without the airplane that we have that I bought from Tyler Perry, and I didn't pay anywhere, Tyler's one of the greatest guys. He made it, he made that airplane so cheap for me, I couldn't help but buy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, tour time. Tour. So me and my friend were at a party, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have so much time, so I'm going to just go ahead and say it. Listen, I was a pedophile. There's some things I wasn't proud of in my lifetime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a ghost now. I'm in her. Talking through her. I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's my wife because... She doesn't really enunciate so well. No. I cut her hair off because I might, you know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on? It's Charles from Match. Just wanted to do a video instead of a text or a phone call. I've been here, I don't know, since 7.30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, actually my new office, I really like it, not gonna lie, and it's got this really cool view. Where are we? No? There we go, eh? Ah, there we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get memo, get memo, get memo, get memo. Really utilizing that wall space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's simple. Your biological sex and your gender identity are not tied to one another. It's not that complicated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not. And if you're out there and you're, you don't understand what I'm saying, when you look between your legs, it has nothing to do with how you identify. And if that is too rich of a concept for you, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I have, you know, I'm a man. I'm a male.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, but I mean, like right now, I am today. Today I am, but it's also the beginning of the day. Could go anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you got it, you got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I feel like if you don't get that, you don't get this show. You know, this is a show about educating people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there is, there is. I mean, I'm not unaware of that. There is a lot of privilege and it feels good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit, a little bit. I'm like, oh, you're not, you're not represented. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I'm cool with it. I'm cool with it. You know, I used to, don't forget, I used to, my parents used to force me to go to another country every summer. So, I'd be around all the brownies and I'd be like, alright, I get it. This is another


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would not pick up that there's any joke. That's what I've been saying. That's what I'm telling you. I've been saying this. This is bullshit. Bullshit. Used to be nice, used to be white. Look around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes me uncomfortable when everyone's not white, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, by the way, a fucking television show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An Indian guy, off the boat, not like born in India, and just came over at 25 or 30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is always such an alarming choice to put up photos of presidents. I don't care which party you align yourself with and you're like, she's got the presidents on my wall. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what it is. It's a fucking egomaniac. It's a megalomaniac. Who's like, who's like, uh, and then especially if they don't acknowledge it, if they're like, yeah, I mean, I guess it kind of looks like the White House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he doesn't, it's not on like the, like sometimes you see the house with the flag off of the awning kind of thing. This is its own centerpiece with a 50 foot pole and lights and he's just like, it's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean no, I love, you know, I love living here and stuff, but it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took the pig fish village, that's where I would go, in Ecuador. You know why? Because it's like, geographically it's still, it's closest to home, it's Latin, there's a Judeo-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then it's like, do you live amongst pig shit for a hot girl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is such a pussy. And she knows it, she's like, you're half a fag, so. Oh, she takes advantage of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's places in the world where you just gotta be like, I'm not going, I'm definitely not going because I'm a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And those are, by the way, those are the countries that, uhm, right now in the world, afterwards, you would get arrested and then stoned for getting raped by all those guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then people are like, wow, what a bunch of savages. And people are like, how dare you talk about them like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what I'm saying though, that's a visit. But I'm saying if you were to move there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? After a month you'd be like, dude, this shit doesn't even make me fart anymore, I just adapted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Manscaped, who is number one in men's below the belt grooming. Manscaped offers precision engineered tools for your family jewels. I gotta tell you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is modern times and you just cannot be one of these animals that goes unkempt below the belt and lets the wilderness grow around your twig and berries. You've got to shape it. You've got to pull it back. Otherwise you just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Setting it up so that a nice lady or a cool guy is always pulling hairs off their tongue when they should be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a hairy guy! Yeah. And I love this stuff. I love it. Look, I love a haircut, I love a beard trim, and I love a bald trim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Manscaped offers the best products to keep it snug and tight around the bean bag and also the ding dong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a big fan. Manscape is forever changing the grooming game with their perfect package 2.0. Inside the perfect package you'll find the electric trimmer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, called the Lawn Mower 2.0. Waterproof and skin safe technology will protect you from nicking your sack. You can also create less mess by trimming in the shower. That's the best. And then you just send those hairs down the drain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get to those hard to reach places, you'll find the plow inside. The plow is a single blade razor that will prevent razor bumps. Also good on the taint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of course, let's not forget about the Crop Preserver, an anti-chafing ball deodorant and moisturizer. You already put deodorant on your armpits, why not put them, put deodorant on the smelliest part of your body, under your sack and between your ding dong and your bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time to get clean with this perfect package 2.0. Get 20% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus free shipping with the code mom at manscaped.com. Always use the right tools for the job. Your balls will thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, get 20% off and free ship, free shipping with the code mom at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com. Use our code word mom. That's M O M. Thank you. Manscaped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wasn't it alive? Yeaah. That's different too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was saying, I remember the dove. Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a beautiful thing to do. Uhm, yeaah, this guy, I mean also, this is again, privilege, but when you even entertain twenty dollars to do something like this, I'm like, who, who is being like, mmmm, twenty? All of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now this guy who's considering it looks like somebody you could walk up to and offer $20 to do something and he doesn't get mad, you know. Like most people, if you were like, I'll give you $20 to bite the head off this dead rat. I'd be like, fuck you. Like, you know, it's so insulting. This guy's like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's always a tooth count, and that's how you can tell who you can ask that to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I got six teeth, that's twenty dollars. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna, I'm gonna get sick watching this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here, okay, I got a question for you. Are you ready? Yeaah. Thirty eight thousand dollars in cash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would really like if everybody please watch the screen for this next clip. Please. All right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looks like our man just wiped his mouth like he's getting his mouth ready. Let's see if he does it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. And it sounded like it's delicious. That's delicious. That I would do for less than a million.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I would, yeah, maybe the dead thing over the live roach. Yeah, that's gross. I can't do that. I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you asked me the other day, by the way? What did I ask you? You were like, who the fuck buys hotel rooms?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if, if people weren't buying that, yeah, they wouldn't be on there, man. So it's definitely, uh, I think the biggest thing is probably there's a lot of dudes who,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially like the working, you know, the traveling businessman. Yeah. Who probably doesn't get to watch it at home. Like because of their set up, you know. Right, right. The kids, the wife, how do I... So I think that's probably the biggest buyer is he like, ah finally, big tip patrol. And then he, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different experience. To lay back on the seat on the big screen, hear the sounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a totally different experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I found. I've only, I've probably ordered hotel room porn, I would say twice in 10 years because I'm like you where, you know, there's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The internet on my phone, on my computer, but the times that I've done it, here's what's the bummer, right? You go, oh, it's a orgy house party. And you're like, great. I'll kind of like skim through and what it finds. It'll be like one long scene. The movie will be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody's arriving, and then they're like, hey, let's party. And then you're like, alright, there's these three girls with these, alright, I'll, I'll see this. And then it's like, you're fast forward, you're like, they're still blowing them? Jesus, it's been 25 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see everything. It's everything. Yeah, yeah. But it's just like, they, on the internet, it's like short attention span. Right. And I think in the hotel room, they're like, this is it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and look, it's a good thing if you're pro-porn, it's good because you're actually putting money into the business. Oh right, good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I remembered, I got a video, I got like a DVD from a store before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it probably used to be much more acceptable to jerk it. I'm sure there was tissues back then, like on the, in the aisles, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bought a movie, yeaah. It's not, it's softcore. You don't get to see any penetrating. He goes, oh. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, I'm trying to, I'm trying to see, you know, like when it goes in and out. I want to see hardcore. And he was like, oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on one second. Yeah, and then he like asked around. Yeah, he asked around and he was like, okay, no child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 69! Yeah, it was channel 69, and it was 24-7 hardcore porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I told other dads about it at the pool and they were like, I don't get that channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they gave us a questionnaire on the way out. What was the best part of your vacation here? And I wrote channel 69. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, he's been getting laid, but I also think that like, you know, the older you get, the more comfortable you get with yourself, and the less, like when you're a young man,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of the time you're freaked out by women, right? And like the prospect of, like it's, it's intimidating. But the older you, like he's, he's taking way more at bats. He's just, I think he's just more comfortable. Am I wrong? No?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? And you do that overtly? Or is it like, something that somebody would have to do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're definitely there, but don't you feel like part of it too though is the thing where, you know, when you're younger you might go like, I, I shouldn't even be having this conversation with you and that now you're like, like you're, you're not as, uh, wowed or, you know what I mean, thrown off by the girl that's talking to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are going to be the exotic desirable there because you're a foreigner. You're going as an entertainer. Yes. You're putting on the shows. You're going to have maybe everybody laugh and then they'll be like, you leave now? And you'll be like, yeah, I'll leave in a few hours, but I can still, you know, anal is still an option. And then he just dumps it in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much of it is centered around your comedy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, if she's like, hey, uh, there's this movie I really wanna see, you're like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so wait, but you want, you want it to be a challenge though. Like if it's like super easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, but I mean they're both effective because they both get the bus at the end of the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really the goal. That's all that matters. That's all that matters. Trying to get that nut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does feel good. It feels good to get out of jail, but it's still, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he probably, you know, ignored his revoked insurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that older guy who was like, oh, he's like flicking his nipples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy was awesome. I would love to see that when I'm just driving around. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I want to see it on billboards, you know? Like screens just playing that guy all, it's just flicking his nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did some show, I did a casino show, I did a casino show like a month ago and I had people, cause in casinos what happens is you have your fans buy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they always withhold tickets and they give it to VIPs. They give it to like people who are just looking for entertainment. So they give it to people who have no idea who you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And somebody told me that I ran into they're like, man, uh, you like five minutes into the show, I hit like a particularly dirty joke. And he's like, as soon as you said it, I saw the row in front of me just pop up out of their seat and they just got up and they were like, nope, don't want to hear this. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's also this for you, for our listeners. One of the greatest discoveries in recent times is back with something else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna make Josh come out to that every time he does shows opening for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. I'm down to fuck. Like hey, could you dress it up a little bit for us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is pretty cool. Antonio Brown is a football player. Antonio Brown. Yea, and he is a self saboteur. Oh dear. Who has ruined his career. But one thing that came out recently is that he went to get, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Body fat, I guess, checked by one of his doctors and there's a video of it. And, uh, well here it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it was a pretty good far, I would say, but it doesn't really compare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that's one thing I can tell my mom she's better at than Antonio Brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knows what he did. He did good work. They're little farts, but you know. That one was tiny. The second one was big. The second one has a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello, patriots. There is another available talent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uh, this is just announced, very exciting news. I am, in fact, truly coming to Australia this time, and I am adding New Zealand. I've gotten all the jokes that, when are you gonna cancel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that would probably be the week before, but until then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is on the books. I'm coming to Melbourne, Australia, Brisbane, Sydney, Perth and Auckland, New Zealand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'll be in Melbourne starting January 17th and I will, I'll be out there for about a week. So very excited that the shows are on sale now at thompsicura.com slash tour. Um, coming up, let's see this week, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] El Paso, uhm, Tucson, and what has left? There's a few tickets left for the Late Show in Denver and that's it. Uhm, and then in a few weeks, Des Moines, Iowa, Lincoln, Nebraska, Sioux City, Iowa, Minneapolis, and Fargo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, those are on sale at ThompsonGurra.com slash tour. And then of course I do my European tour with Josh Potter. We're going to be in Budapest, Berlin, Amsterdam, Antwerp, Paris, London, Salford and Dublin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, all those and more. TomCigaro.com slash Tor. Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fanta- and I just got an update that uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a contract, uh, with Las Vegas next year. I will be at the Mirage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, for a number of weekends. So the first one they just announced is Friday, March 6th. I'll be there March 6th and 7th. And May 29th and 30th. And that's at the Terry Phaetor Theater in Las Vegas at the Mirage. Those are on sale today. Or excuse me, by the time you see this, they're on sale now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're on sale now. Go ahead, uhm, go to TomSegura.com slash tour or just go to the Mirage website. Thank you very much, Las Vegas. Alright, we're back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they came especially to, what was the beat, uh, was it Jones Beach? It was Long Island. That was like the most packed one, and then everyone was like, this looks really Italian. And then, he went second to last, and like 14,000 people left.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but we did uhm, that was fun. You did, I got, I mean, I still think it's like, the hardest thing, cause you forget it if you don't do it for a while. You were opening the shows in amphitheaters, so people are getting beers and like, you fucking...


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[Assistant] Audience is cool, like, I can see if like, being at a show like that, where they might just think it's fun to fuck with whoever's not corn.


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[Assistant] I mean, I get anxiety hearing you describe this right now. Like I would have anxiety on those oddball shows, like watching you start, because I would obviously envision myself up there and I'd be like, I'd just start shaking my head like, nope, don't want any part of like people, thousands of people finding their seats and you're still dialed in doing your thing.


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[Assistant] Well, here's, okay, so people don't know. Oddball was like comedies.


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[Assistant] Lollapalooza or you know what I mean, big comedy festival. And the way it works is they book enormous amphitheaters. And the way, the only way to do an amphitheater comedy tour is to have, you have to have a star headline it. Because you're talking about


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[Assistant] 15,000 plus tickets. A city, right?


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[Assistant] I mean, they had, you know, in previous years, I mean, Chappelle did, was the headliner one, obviously, right? Huge success. They had, uhm, Louis headline one. They had Aziz, Aziz was the final, but like Amy, she was like red hot. So like, you know, the biggest names are doing this tour and it lasts like a month, six weeks and you hit like all these,


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[Assistant] So, but the, so what happened was right before they were, they were, they were like, I was like, who's the headliner? And they're like, uh, we're out to Chappelle.


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[Assistant] And we're giving, and they're supposed to announce it in August, like, we're giving them until like, um, July 1st to decide. And I was like, that's a late... So what happened, July 1st came around, and I was like, so is Chappelle doing it? And they're like, we're gonna give them until like July 10th. So then like, another week goes by, and then they're like, he passed. So I'm like, so who's the headliner? And they're like, they're out to rock.


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[Assistant] He would have to follow. It's like following Sebastian in Atlantic City. Where you'd be like, no thanks, no, don't care what the check looks like, I don't want to do it. It was like, I mean, David would fucking obliterate. He was not only just killing because he's a good comic, but he was also


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[Assistant] They're, like, South African and would refer, like, make references to South African culture, politics, things in the news, things you weren't even aware of. We didn't even know. And you know, the audience is just, like, falling out of it, and you're like, oh shit, and they're like, someone's going after this? You're gonna die, dude. Like, it was, it was almost hard to watch.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, dude, Cricket, you ever talk to Cricket, uh, to like somebody from India or Pakistan? I love it. Their, uhm, like Instagram team page following is


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[Assistant] 50 times the size of like a Patriots or you know what I mean? Like a big sports team here or if you go to any like Real Madrid


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[Assistant] Uhm, you know, Barcelona soccer teams, and you see what a fan base can be. Yeaah. And you're like, there's 185 million people following this, and then you go to...


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[Assistant] He was on our show, and this is no shit, we're doing theaters. We're doing Durban, Johannesburg, and you know, they're like 1200 seaters, like legit theaters, and


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[Assistant] You see this lineup of all comics who have been working for years and he's like, this is my third show. I'm like, what? And he's like, yeah, I did it last week and then I did a thing and then they're like, do you want to do the festival? And you're like, really? And he's a really nice kid and you're like, look man, just, you know, just try and don't, don't worry. And then he's like,


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[Assistant] Uhm, one thing I wanted to ask you about is, uh, so, like, you're one of the best comedians. You're one of my favorite comics to watch. I love watching you. And, you know, you always go for it. I feel like in the last...


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[Assistant] You know, a lot of shows. So you're like, someone's like, you don't want to do time? You're like, I did eight


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, they definitely aren't important. But, so I wanted to know, cause like, I think of you, I think of a guy that is...


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[Assistant] Hilarious, great jokes, goes for it, pushes it, you know what I mean, like, you know, like, I hate the expression, but like, you are, you know, you're edgy, whatever, whatever the expression is, like, you're somebody who I would go to watch because I like that type of comedy.


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[Assistant] Does it happen though, cause my, I feel like New York is very, like, really the center of, of like, that's not okay now. Do you encounter that a lot at shows? Do you think it's worse than LA? Definitely.


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[Assistant] But also part of it too now is the idea that uhm, people


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[Assistant] You know, people actually are layered and complicated. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] In social media or when people like to analyze things, they just like to go like, what was, what's the thing you said about this? Now I know who you are. Right. And when you're like, but that's no, like that was a joke about this. I actually have, you know, a full spectrum of opinions on a lot of things.


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[Assistant] That's true, that's true, I uhm, I just read some review of, of a comedy show, you know, which I, I always think is crazy, but like, of like a live show, and the review, you know, the person was somewhat informed, but then they're like, at the root of every comedian's


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[Assistant] Uh, jokes or material is a revelation. I'm like, no, it's not. It's not a revelation of how they must feel. It could just be that's the best joke they could write about that thing. That's it.


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[Assistant] I feel like the thing that I've come to, I don't know, have an opinion on about this, is that engaging or entertaining anybody who's like, chick, really? That's the problem.


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[Assistant] Was it one joke or a set? Was it one joke you think?


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[Assistant] But it's also fun for someone like her to, uh, you know, they walk around with these feelings and then to have these feelings and then have somewhere to, something to target. Like if you're like, you know, she's mad about whatever, and then it's like, that's where to put my energy. That fucking guy, who now I know his name, and like,


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[Assistant] I can write a four, four page letters. Impressive. That's a lot. That's a lot of feelings. I think handwritten. Geez.


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[Assistant] Uhm, you told me and I just wanted to revisit that one of your favorite things is...


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[Assistant] This past weekend was the, uh, the weekend that I flew her up to Foxwoods. Foxwoods Comedy Club, right?


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[Assistant] She was happy with it, yea. She was just burning through it. It was like free money.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's good stuff. I love it. Uhm, this is the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. So we discovered this, uhm, gosh.


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[Assistant] I think it was, I don't know, it's over a year ago now. And then when we played it, people mentioned they're like,


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[Assistant] Was it Julia? Yeah, we found Julia. We found Julia. That's great. And uhm, that was quite the experience. Because first we were probably like you guys obsessed with it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Obsessed, obsessed. Mortified, mortified. And then she sent us other videos that he had sent her. Really?


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[Assistant] So there was all these theories people were talking about, here's what happened. There was even like, online blogs about it. And when we actually got to talk to her, we were like, what actually happened?


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[Assistant] When she said what actually happened was when you go to her gym, you sign in. Uhm, so I guess a name had been seen and that she actually was done and she was in the parking lot.


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[Assistant] And he must have seen the name and he was like, Hey Julia. And she was like, yeah.


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[Assistant] And she goes, oh, like, do I know this guy? So she was like, what's up? And he's like, hey, just started talking to her and was like, asked her out. And she's like, oh no, like, I'm not, you know, interest, whatever. She was like really nice about it. And he's like, well, like, uh,


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[Assistant] Can I call you some time? And she's like, uh, yeah, why don't you give me your number? So he took her phone, puts his number in and calls himself. So now he has the number. And so that's, that's why he was able to send her videos is because he dialed his own number from her phone.


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[Assistant] I think she was at, in her initial, uh, the parking lot conversation, she was just like,


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[Assistant] Well, no, that's, that's later on. That's way later on. You're jumping ahead. Oh, sorry, I forgot. Steps to the story. She, she, she initially was just like, not a worry, this is just a guy trying to, you know, get a number, get a date. Blows him off or whatever. Gets the, has forgotten.


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[Assistant] He gets this and is like, holy shit. He's embarrassed that she even has this. Doesn't tell anybody. Then goes out with her girlfriends.


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[Assistant] They all party, she's like, you wanna see some shit? And shows them, and they are just like, fucking falling out. And they're like, give me that video. So then they start circulating it, gets on the internet, and then, much later,


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[Assistant] It's always been a dream to have you see some of our most famous videos. Just to get, you know, like I said, I just wanted to show you some of our videos.


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[Assistant] You know what I love about this? Is that pretty much every guy has the thought like, hey I'd love someone to put their pussy in my face or two. But like 99 whatever percent just go like, I mean I probably shouldn't put that video out there though. You know? Yea I'm asking for pussy on the face.


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[Assistant] I wonder too, it's like, sometimes, you know, they tell you, hey, whatever you put out there, someone's going to respond. I wonder if like, if anyone actually like would see this and be like, you know, I want that guy in my


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[Assistant] And then she was like, ah, I've been meaning to clean this up. And then he looked and it was just.


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[Assistant] You know? I'm looking for a lady to beat the shit out of me, you stupid white bitch.


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[Assistant] It's also like the guy in the weird town who like this year found out about YouTube and he's like what? You can control your own and there's millions of people out there that watch these? I should put these out there.


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[Assistant] Okay, this is my favorite thing. So Robert, you guys, uh, the Try It Out guy, is on YouTube now, and the, uh, video titles are just code. So, he's exactly who you're talking, or Nicky was talking.


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[Assistant] That is a, that's a quite an eccentric, uh, shirt or whatever. Wait, what else is he doing?


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[Assistant] He's got so many characters. Was that Potter getting the nod in that last one? That was.


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[Assistant] I mean, didn't his account, his Instagram account look like it was shut down or suspended or something?


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[Assistant] Uhm, dude, what you guys have done, I wanna tell you, uh, with Legion of Skanks is amazing. Oh, thank you, man. Like, it's a crazy following, and you guys put on, like, festivals now. Yeah, yeah, Skankfest. Skankfest is a big thing.


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[Assistant] I saw the, uh, that'd be cool. I saw the clip of you, uh, from, I think from the one this year, where you guys had Louis come out, and like the ovation was insane.


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[Assistant] That's fair. No, no, I got more to what you were saying. I got a message from somebody who was like, oh man, I was at the show, uh, you know, it was a good time, but I was really hoping you were gonna piss more people off. And I was like, what? And he was like, you know, that's why I come to your shows.


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[Assistant] I'm hoping that you're having fun with what I'm doing. That's the goal.


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[Assistant] The other one that gets me is uhm, you know like, you'll scroll through messages?


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[Assistant] And, you know, a lot of times it's like, it's fine, it's nice, and you're like, cool, you know, someone's like, I saw the thing, I laughed at this. But sometimes people are like, I've been going through a really bad period. And what you, you know, your comedy or something was the light of my month. Those still, those get to me every time. Yeah, absolutely. People, yeah.


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[Assistant] No, no, they'll be like, uh, can you come meet me? I'm like, no, no, no, I'm not gonna, like.


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[Assistant] I'll go, if you go to the stage door, and I happen to pull up. I'll put my arm out and high five you. I'm fine with waving. If you want to wave, I'll give you a wave.


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[Assistant] Oh man, oh and I'm sorry to hear about David.


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[Assistant] I can't believe it. I mean, I've never, I didn't know him or anything, but the whole story is, is like, beyond comprehension.


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[Assistant] No. No, but we've had, I mean, you know, we've been having, you know, we've had two kids, and we're very busy, and so we've had people spend a lot of time, you know, like, sometimes overnight, on certain occasions, and uhm, yeaah, no, the whole story is just...


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[Assistant] For people that don't know, like listening, it's like your manager and one of the owners of the stand, right?


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[Assistant] The crazy thing for you, you know, for you it's a friend, it's an intimate relationship like that. Like when I hear it, beside it being like a crazy violent thing that you know, you don't want to hear about, yeaah, you start thinking about it because we have kids and you know, with people and you're just like, it's like a nightmare man.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I also feel like those stories, like usually when you read a story like, like the story we were just talking about, it's somebody you have, you know, there's no connection whatsoever. You read it like it's news. The closer it gets to like, now you know somebody that knows somebody, then those start to affect you more.


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[Assistant] No states really light people up anymore. You know, I know New York doesn't.


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[Assistant] I mean, Texas, aren't they still do it? They're still toasting people.


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[Assistant] That's the last pace you wanna fuck around in this country, with a crime, like a violent crime. Texas gets you, you're done. You are done. Forget a violent crime.


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[Assistant] No. I mean it is, but it's still, it's a massive country and there's a lot of places where it's not going.


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[Assistant] I still, cause I spent a lot of time in Peru and they would just always be like, uh, don't wear the watch. I'm like, what? They're like, you know, it attracts attention. I'm like, all watches? Or they're like, no, that watch. Just get a shittier watch.


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[Assistant] Yes, that's true. I mean, that's why we gotta fucking go down there and bomb these fucking.


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[Assistant] Uhm, Jay Okerson, you can see him live. Are you, uh, any dates coming up? Are you going to be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] BigJComedy.com, one of the best comedians working today. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe you- Can you sing? I bel- I bet you can kind of- Yeaah, I bet you can kind of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna get the challenge going either way, man. I think we just do it. Uhm, and then of course Legion of Skanks, check it out, hilarious podcasts, live shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to another episode of La Casa de Tu Madre. I'm your host for today.


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[Assistant] In this moment, Josh La Cucaracha is on his way.


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[Assistant] Ese hijo de puta malparido tiene no se cuantos...


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[Assistant] I got fucked proper right by the king last night. Yeah?


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[Assistant] I go, how did I do that? Now, but I want to make sure, you know, no matter how many times I say it, you know, uhm, we didn't create it for a person of color.


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[Assistant] You know, and you probably know it at that point, but that was a big misconception. And actually the first places that ever really bought fubu, when I took out an ad and I think right on a black beat, it was the skateboard, the grunge skateboarders in Seattle, Washington, and it was kids in Japan. Were buying fubu. Were the first ones. The rebellious kids.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we did 6 billion over the, over our course of our history and we, we, we did like an analysis and I think counterfeit was, counterfeit did a total of 30 billion.


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[Assistant] I just want to sell some shit. I want to have a good time. I want to, honestly it was like I want to get on video sets and when they kick everybody else off because they're not supposed to be there.


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[Assistant] I will say that I have a shirt for the artist and, you know, they'll say, okay, we'll leave you on the set and I get to holler at the video chicks and I get to eat food and...


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[Assistant] Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, hip hop was the reason why I created it because, you know, uhm, we were all- You're from Howitz Queens? Yea, I'm from Howitz Queens and in that square little, I don't know, four miles?


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[Assistant] A massive amount of hip-hop artists come from that area, you know, so, and, you know. DMC set. That's right. DMC set right here. He did the show a few months ago. DMC. He was on here, yea. Yea, if you look at it, it's LLQJ, DMC, run DMC, Salt and Pepper, Tribe Called Quest, Lost Boys, Ja Rule, 50 Cents, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was always a stylist, I was always a stylist, I loved hip hop and uhm, it took me, you know, years to realize, wait a minute, I can put these both together and I can actually have fun and, you know, be cool and make a living out of it. Actually, it wasn't, it wasn't cool when I first started, cause mo, have you ever seen the movie Belly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Oh I got you were saying.


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[Assistant] Well, somebody told me, you know, when I wasn't as financially intelligent as I should be, you know, they told me that, um, uh, jewelry retains value.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, oh, right, right, so if you would have purchased a diamond for $100,000 in the 70s or put cash away,


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[Assistant] If you had cash today, that same $100,000 would barely buy you, uh, decent bends, right? But that diamond would be worth about $1.7 million. Christ. Right? So, I decided to buy a Fat Albert crusted out medallion for $300,000. Dude, yes! Cause that's definitely gonna appreciate. Yes! Yeah, that's...


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[Assistant] What's that? They're fake. It's all- Get faked. That's all cubic. Cubics are common. Okay.


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[Assistant] Cause they get robbed, they get robbed often. So they make sure they can replace it quick.


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[Assistant] You know, it is hitting the lottery again on the show. There's 40,000 people a year apply for the show. 40,000? Yeaah. The producers see a thousand. The sharks end up seeing a hundred and eighty or a hundred and something like that. A hundred and eighty, a hundred and seventy. And only people, only 86 make the air.


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[Assistant] So, if you're gonna take that opportunity and mess it up, because out of the 180 or 170 we see, if we feel that all you're doing is trying to abuse the platform and just use it as a commercial, you're not even gonna make the air anyway. Oh, right. And some slip through here and there, but for the most part, most people have really good intentions, and they generally, I mean, they generally have good intentions, but sometimes they're just, you know, it's a personal matter. How much are you gonna value your company at?


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[Assistant] If Jamie, when Jamie from Ring came on and he offered X amount, he offered too much, he offered too little, you know, he even said it, but later on he sold his company for 1.2 billion dollars. What if he was out here to all of us and said, I'm gonna, this is worth 1.2 billion dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, what numbers was he doing when he came on? I forgot the numbers, but he ended up becoming a guest shark and he said, I asked for too much. I wouldn't, now knowing what I know, I wouldn't have invested in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should really get a piece of that company because after we beat him up, he went out and raised the proper money, but shit, I didn't even get a doorbell for free. It is what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Bombas is the number one company on Shark Tank in regards to revenue that was invested in. So that means that I am...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The King Kamehameha of Shark Tank. All the rest are underachievers. All the other sharks.


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[Assistant] And think about it, you know, I do half the episodes, Barbara and I do half the episodes and so the other ones like Lori and Mark and Kevin, they had twice the chance to beat us and they, to beat me, and they got nowhere near it. That's amazing. Morons. We love bombers. Total bozos. We're such fans. The numbers are the numbers, right?


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[Assistant] I love them. I love them. So an average pitch lasts about an hour long. I've seen some that go two and a half hours, right? Seriously? Yea, and you have 14 or 16 cameras shooting that one pitch. So you have anywhere from 14 to 16 hours of footage to get 8 minutes. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and those shows are as real as possible, I mean, there is no script, we don't know anything about those people, and the ones who are nervous, I like.


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[Assistant] Because they don't seem too polished. They don't seem like they've been in a million pitch competitions. They're setting up the stage because they've done this before. They're, you know, they're ringers, right? Yeah. And I love them because, you know, there's this purity and honesty of a, of an entrepreneur, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, a lot of time, no, a lot of time they put a curtain up. Oh, they do. And we go and we go to the craft stable or we go somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bathroom and go, you know, emails and stuff like that. So we don't see a lot of them. And sometimes they do set it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And out of respect for the show, we don't Google it or do anything like that because, you know, we just don't want to have a, it's not fun. You know, you're taking the fun out of it. You want that discovery process.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Mark Cuban is, I don't know, I don't know what he has, what, $6 billion? I'm not, I'm not going to ever outspend Mark Cuban. So I have to, if I'm really interested in something, I have to show, I'm pitching myself just as much as, you know, the entrepreneur. Interesting. I have to show how I can add different value than Mark Cuban. So what is my angle? Mark's too busy, you're never going to see him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, and lorries, and then I know that if it's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tech, but also sports, because any, any product that goes is where he's, you know, he hires the best athletes of the world, right? Uh, yeah, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all of us, after 11 years, we've all become a little verse in every area and we then hire people around us to handle sales or retail or licensing or whatever the case is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is your trademark registration? Who owns this? Everything. First of all, you gotta go through all that bidding process. Send your bank records, all this stuff. And you said...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you did X amount of sales. Let's see all that. You have to show it. And then we go, okay, so now you wanted 250,000. What are the use of proceeds? Well, I want to buy a $250,000 website.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope, we're not gonna give you the money for that. So, you're gonna hit these markers. You said next year you'll do 2 million, next year you'll do 4 million. Okay, so we'll activate that if you're going to spend this 250, we'll give you 50,000 when you hit this mark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100,000 hit this mark, 200,000 hit this mark, but what if you don't hit that mark?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how we operate, you know, in my company. And we'll take an option to go into the deal or whatever, but we'll give you the money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, are we giving it to you, like, like Kevin O'Leary basically says, is it a loan, is it a, like, what's the structure of the deal after that, uhm, and we, we try to work it out, uhm, you know, but some people,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they, you know, it, you know, the thing about it, you're standing in front of five pretty educated business people, we're asking, we're shooting a million questions at you, it's only an hour long, uhm, some of the things they may say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May not be as accurate or they may not have had the information at the time and we just have to go through it after that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just lie for the time. They lied or they just didn't know any better, right? So somebody says, well, I said you own the trademark and then they send over a piece of paper and they own the URL but to a website.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the consumer, uh, has gotten not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not tired and all depends on your product, right? When the consumer...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once more from you and then you're creating another competitor for yourself because you're not expanding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but you really need to be able to touch on that other demand, but really just try to do the best you can for this category.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They took the seam out of the toe and they made sure there was a social cause for it and that's what drove them. The same as I wanted to be on hip hop sets, they wanted to make sure that they addressed the market that was hurt and that felt that there was value.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's just a different angle. So the product can always be the same, but the angle and or the consumer can be a different consumer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because retail is dying, and uhm, also when you are in retail, you're, you're, you know, I say it, you can be anywhere from five to six to seven steps away from the money. You gotta make it, somebody, uh, a buyer of the retailer has to buy it, then the kid has to put it on the shelf, then the consumer has to buy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to the register and then they have to come back for it. You don't know who that consumer is, why they bought it, why they didn't buy it. But when you're selling direct to a customer, you can say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you buy, why do you buy it? You can talk to them, you get the information. So, there's only three ways to deal with any kind of customer in the world. Acquire a new one, upsell a current one, or make one buy more frequently. Right? So, if you can sell directly to them, you can either acquire new ones and know why they're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Purchase a new product or not. Or upsell them. You bought a pair of Bombas socks? Alright, so buy the Bombas kit socks with a package.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you may have a disposable product and you can say, well, buy it more frequently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking a lot of swings at things and making affordable mistakes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And failing fast and moving on from there. And then when being very humble with yourself and knowing that when you failed or in certain areas that you're doing really well at, know where you need help. Strategic partners, know where you need to go and keep educating yourself. Walk in the room like dumbest person and keep saying, well, why does that work? Why doesn't that work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the people that, uh, say, well I need a million dollars and then I'll be good, and they're the first people that get, you know, taken to the bank. You know what I mean? Because everybody goes, oh sure, no problem, I'll do that advertisement for you, give me a quarter million dollars. So it's really just rolling up your sleeves. And knowing that you're gonna have to work harder than everybody else, you know, it's our own company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, this is, this is real, first of all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on TV and you're embarrassing me, number one, alright, so I don't want to be called the idiot that Barbara Corcoran with her, you know, fake teeth, whatever she has, that she, she beat, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Marcus has a big head, but, uhm. He's got a big head. But, yeah, so they're embarrassing me on TV, but also, I like the deal. Yeah. And as a person who has somewhat level of success, I can do that deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, why them? Why, why am I not good enough to do that deal with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, whatever it is. So that's why we became entrepreneurs to be able to, uh, you know, create our own destiny and we know what we're good at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scary. Scary. Scary. It's overwhelming. It's like, what did I do now? I'm so deep into it that I have eight years into this thing. I mortgaged the house. I'm sleeping in sleeping bags next to sewing machines. Uhm, I'm almost out of all my money. It was cool at first, you know, with a couple of people wearing it, but now I have a couple of employees and yeah, how am I going to do this? You know, like, what am I going to do? What, who's going to save me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd rather just get a regular job that I don't have to. Really? Yeah, it's scary. It's really scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm gonna take out an ad in the newspaper for you. And I said, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't do it. So of course she did it. And it said million dollars in orders need financing. 33 people called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 30 of them were named Pookie and Laquita and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Sal the Sausage. And, uh, but three of them were real and one was Samsung's Textile Division.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they called, and Samsung at that time was doing about a hundred and fifty or a hundred and seventy-five billion dollars, you know, as a company, but they had these different divisions and they were like, we see this stuff everywhere, we'll manufacture and distribute your clothes, but you still gotta


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say two months, uhm, before I would lose my home and file bankruptcy. Oh my god. Wow. How do you deal with, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize I was in trouble. Really? Yeah, because you know, I grew up in the hood, right? Mom, you know, my mother and I, we got disconnected notices every week. We just thought all the bills came in a red envelope, you know? And so, so I didn't realize how close I was to being homeless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't take any percentage of the company. It's almost like a bank. They just made a percentage on the orders that were given over to them. So it's almost like, you know, what we call on the business day, factoring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's still uncomfortable. Yeah, it's still uncomfortable. Uhm, pretty big in Malaysia and Korea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I love it. I love it. It's good to be a part of history and know that you create a brand that globally is recognized out of your basement. You know, just a little passion and... Unbelievable, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my fifth book, Power Shift. Yeah, absolutely. It's about taking back your own power. You know, listen, at the end of the day, what is the difference with all of us is the ability to negotiate. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eleven years about negotiation, I've seen people come and go, and I've seen where the value is on how people have changed a lot purely through their negotiation abilities, but negotiation doesn't start the day that you come to the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Negotiation starts when you create an influence, then you negotiate. And more importantly after that, how do you nurture the relationship to get way more out of the relationship for both people, both parties. So I try to shift power to my employees, they shift power to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and that's, that's really what the book is about. It's about maximizing that in any way that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anybody that I think picks up this book and I have some really great powerful people in the book as well as


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My experience, but I have, uh, you know, the Chris Jenners of the world in the book, the Pitbulls of the world, the people that you may not know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause the first transaction is really a dating process, right? But it's, it's over the course of your life or time, you're going to, if you really nurture the relationship, you're gonna do way more together. Oh yeaah. Same as my guys and girls on Shark Tank that I invest in, you know, a lot of times the businesses don't quite work out as well as we'd like, but if


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love the way they dealt with the failure of that business. I want to do something else with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, it always is that. And a lot of people are very transactional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey man, I miss you, I love you, man. You know, happy new year to you and your family just thinking about you. I said that to like, I, I, I did that same thing to a hundred people. You know what? It just, it just, it took fifteen seconds times a hundred to the more important people in my life that I was just, I was thinking about on top of my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I will always remember that video from Grant, and hopefully everybody else will remember that video from me. And it took no time, but you just, it wasn't about a transaction. How you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's good and terrible. No, no. I'll be out on that as well. Yea, I think so. I'd buy the dog for 60.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so he said his brother smoked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it depends on the level you're kidnapping people, yea. Yea, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Kevin O'Leary offered one of his stupid ass royalties. And that didn't go? No, couldn't wait to take some of those deals. I mean, one or two people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I don't think that didn't work out. I don't think that company worked out, but it was a great idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, one guy who wanna put Bluetooth in your neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The concept is not as stupid if you think about it like you're gonna be running around in a Terminator, but the way that you had to charge it is when you slept at night, you had to put a plug into your neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, I thought you were talking about on Shark Tank. Yeah, I thought we were on Shark Tank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then another one was a guy who said he wanted to put this huge like, I don't know, this whirlpool in the ocean and it was going to create gold from the sand that just spun around. Was this on the show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About six years ago, they said the number one product worldwide ever so beaten iPhone and everything else was the Rubik's Cube. I don't believe that. That was huge. Whether it's true or not, right? But they came on the show and said, this is a puzzle, you just said?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Pet Rock? I know. Alright, so who are we to say if somebody, it's a stupid idea?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the guy selling socks is just doing really well. I've had socks for years and I do okay with them, but nowhere near what Bombas does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should buy everything you rent out and let other people pay for it and then rent everything that you live in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, let other people pay for your debt. Right. Right, so you buy a house and...