[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is finally a well-designed, well-insulated, uh, you know, water bottle that you can carry around. It has like the thing that flips up and, right? What do you call it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a built-in straw, right? Yeah, but it's like a built-in thing at the top that you can suck. Sippy. Yeah, you know, it's an adult sippy cup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an adult sippy bottle. Anyways, it's uh, it's got, it's branded, it says water champs, it says your mom's house podcast. It's in the store. But what I'm most excited about, I've never been this excited about a piece of merch in my life. I did, if you have not seen it, I did or listened to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Episode 2 of Dr. Drew's new podcast that we produced is called Dr. Drew After Dark. It has been an amazing thing that has, that like every week new guests and there's episodes with Christina, Bobby Lee, uh, Steve-O, Burt just did one. Uhm, who else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause Hardwick, oh my god. So when I was on with him, he brought up, cause we had been watching Uncle Terry stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wanted to revisit and he goes, you know, I talked to Christina about this, about what do you think is the, uhm, the, like the biggest thing someone should put in their anus. Right. Uhm, and he, he said that he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just said, like, it depends who we're talking about. He said, well, the average person. I was like, cause there's some people that do double anal. So he goes, that's not the average person. Right. And he said that he, he thought that what the biggest thing somebody should put in their anus is if you make the okay sign, that's, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then, I said, you know, there's some things that can happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, uhm, he ended up using the exp- I said, you shouldn't do double anal, huh? And he goes, yeaah, you shouldn't prolapse your anus. And in that moment, I said, I think you just made your first shirt. And he was like, oh god, what am I doing with my life and my career?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I didn't forget that, so I immediately reached out to one of my favorite shirt designers at Mod Ink Tees in Augusta, and they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I pitched them the whole thing, what happened? They came up with this shirt and then I had to reach out to Drew and his team and be like, can we do this shirt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, that's really, really awesome. So this is back to Jean. This is the lady. I love this lady's message and mantra and everything so far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her message is one that you cannot deny is absolutely accurate, okay? You should not microwave fish in a public setting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I love the most about this conceptually though is I just love the way the world works sometimes where you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the hell is that? You know, maybe a couple things like that. And then talked to a couple of people. You smell that? Yeaah. And you know, but then like when the person walked by, you had to just kind of just look at them. Yeaah. And carried that feeling home. All day. Like all day carried it home. Set up a camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Made this recording and like gets the, like vents it out in, in a kind of, in a healthy way. Gets it out and then there's the possibility, probability that someone at work will see this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. It's the same, it's that same piece of shit who boards the flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here you go. I brought some fish stew on a flight. You're like, what are you doing, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that character is extremely well and specifically constructed. So it's not that like people are like, eh, dismissive of her. It's that she's supposed to represent


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I mean, it depends, like, person to person what they like, but I think in the show, yeaah, she's just a very attractive, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fun, kind of idealistic person who's ambitious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you, you see like how insecure she is. Right, it's annoying. Yea, how, you know, she's crippled with self-doubt, which is not necessarily, I mean that's a normal thing to feel, but she's more complicated than just you see the first time you're exposed to her, you just see her as a pretty face, right? Right. Because she's a beautiful girl. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not like it's, you know, it's just like anybody when you get to know them, uhm, there's just different levels of things going on. So there's things about her as you watch the show where the character you might find appealing and then there's things that are not. I mean, she's ultimately,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she, you know, and then kind of comes back around. But I'm just saying, like, it's not just, she's not presented in the show as like, I'm a piece of ass. That's not really the point of the character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean there's crazy, there's a couple crazy chicks in this show that make their smackles harder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you don't know her as well, so it's easier to be intimate with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about that in therapy. No, she's rough, you know, she's got, she's the one that like you could get some chains and like you could, you know, really kind of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what you do is you call, yeah, call the grandparents, call your, you know, your sibling, your, your, the best babysitter you know, and go, can you watch the kids for one, just come into the house and watch the kids for one night. And what we ended up doing was sleeping a lot. You can't nap when you have little, you never, we never nap. You try to nap and then you just hear screaming and crying. I loved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They turned it up to full blast, like if it were 30 and you're like, I need a heat lamp to sit outside. They did that, except it was about 68.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, you're wearing, but you're wearing a sweatshirt. I don't talk like that you fucking Momo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I was not showing you how I could sporty drive. We were in a Jeep Cherokee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, with a V6, like a normal engine. Nothing crazy about this car. And I, the light turns green. I turn, we're going straight. I hit the gas. We hit 40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go, you're scaring me! And I was like, what? And you go, you're scaring me. I go, why would you be scared? Don't tell me when to feel fear!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let me tell you this scenario. If there were a kid in the car, and the kid was like, no no, the kid was like, I'm scared, you'd be like, alright, you shouldn't feel fear because this is how cars move, but you'd be like, okay, and then later on you'd be like, hey, that kid's a fucking idiot, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, on the, on the freeway, but it was, you know, 11 o'clock at night, it was open freeway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my most disgusting friends, uhm, who gave up a while ago. But oddly enough, you have to give up but have some money because they're not cheap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They make some really large cuts, right? Isn't that the whole thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I have some really fat friends that wear them. Oh look, they have women's clothes at Tommy Baha-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like really, those are dad shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] $150? For that shirt? No way. Yeah, so you can't even buy it as a gag. You can't be like, haha, I bought a Tommy Bahama shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, here's what happens, you're, you know, you're 360, whatever, 400 pounds, you're like, I gotta wear like a decent shirt. They make you this 6X, you know, and then you look like, I'm trying, you know, I'm dressing nice. But it really is really bad status.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess. I don't know. But there's like, you know, there's outdoorsy dads and vacation dads. Vacation dads want to look good and have fun. Even if they're real fat. You know? I cannot get over the prices. I have no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shirt. No. Welcome to the real world, spelled R-E-E-L, with uh, like a swordfish jumping out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fit for the, oh, fit for the island life. Yeah, it's for vacation dads. That's why they're dropping that kind of coin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's for like a real dad. What's, what does that say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] XLB? What's XLB? Is that what that says?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We lose the whole point of the laugh. Oh, there's five XL on the big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's totally true, I mean I hate my body so much and I try not to just dwell on it all the time. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then like my trainer who I work out with a few times a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last week he's like, oh I'm doing a 75 day challenge. And I go, what's that? He's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude's body is amazing. I see him in a t-shirt and shorts. I'm like, are you talking? You're totally ripped. He's like, nah, that's not like I used to be. And now he's working out twice a day for 75 days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you know, I go, do you notice any difference? It's been like a week or two now. He's like, oh yeah, I've been taking pictures and we're talking like minuscule differences, but to him and his mind, what he sees in the mirror, I don't know. Very few people I think go like, I love my body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I kind of really admire those people that don't have perfect bodies, but you can tell they really accept their bodies. I kind of admire them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice shoulders. That's when you know you have a shit body. When someone's like, your elbows, they're great. You got nice wrists. And you're like, thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, it makes me want to cry, the time where I was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had lost all this weight. So I got really fat and then I lost all this weight. I lost like 70 pounds. Oh my god. I was in the best shape I'd ever been in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember I was on, I was on a trip and I was with a buddy of mine and we were, it was like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a spring break kind of thing. It was hot outside. I didn't really know him that well, like I knew him, but I was like, I know how fair skinned I am. I was like, dude, I got to ask you something. And then we're in college, so I was like, will you put this sunblock on my back? Cause I'll burn. And he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't care. And I was like, alright, cool. He goes, I mean, why would I care, uh, putting a sunblock onto some fat guy? And I was like, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, I was 21, you know. Yeah, that's a bummer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you walked her into that one. She didn't understand what you were saying. You were like, I'm having this baby. And she understood I'm having this baby. And she was like, oh, you're pregnant?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't even speak English. Go fucking sleep outside. You tell her that? Why don't you do my nails or shut the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so uhm, you know what I did? Uhm, I, I didn't, I don't think, I don't even know if I mentioned it before on this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually did a set in Spanish last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That must have been so hard. It was. It was something I've always wanted to do. Like I've been wanting, I've wanted to do this for years. I've always done little bits of Spanish, like not in every special, but I think I've done it in two where I've mentioned something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll tell like one story that involves the fact that I'm, you know, was raised speaking Spanish and I'll, I'll do a bit but like, you know, we're talking of an hour show, one minute or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I always was like, oh man, cause Spanish has been, or Santa's been getting bigger in Spanish language countries the last few years. It's really starting to grow. And I was like, I wonder if I could do a full set in Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I've been talking to a couple guys about it for a few months and they're like, yeah, we do it every once in a while. And I was like, yeah, I want to do it. But I was kind of like, you know, hesitant. I was like, I don't know if I can actually do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, a few weeks ago, uh, Francisco Ramos hits me up. He's like, we're going to do the show. Do you want to do it? I love him by the way. He's great. He's great. Nicest guy. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did the thing, so they put the, these guys, I guess they do it semi-regularly. Uhm, so Fabricio Copano is a Chilean comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, they do this show called Tri-Fecta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did it with, uh, I think, who else was on the show? Fuck, this guy Jota something, Colombian guy, Richard Villa, Felipe Esparza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We sign up to do it, show sells out, like in the first day, uh, was at the lab, and then, uhm, and then I'm like, oh shit, I'm writing this stuff, and then I'm, I'm basically having Francisco help me. So I would send him my jokes, and he was like, you should say it this way, not this way, he's translating stuff for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'm like, I actually, I realized that I was having the same feelings for this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I had doing stand-up 17 years ago. 17 years ago when I started doing stand-up, we would book, you know, you'd have like, at first you'd have one show a month, let's say. You'd go, I'm doing stand-up next month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's it. That's your show for six or eight weeks or something. And as you get closer to that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're writing things out like full length pages and you're reviewing them and then you're starting to get like, you're editing as you get closer and you're getting nervous and you wake up thinking about your show. You had so much pressure to do that show and I don't have those feelings like that obviously anymore because I've done it for this many years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this Spanish show was kind of close to that. Where, I mean I didn't pop out of my sleep, but I was like walking around thinking about how am I gonna, cause you have to think about like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't get any reps in Spanish, so you don't know like, yeaah, what's gonna work, what's not gonna work, what's gonna happen as far as timing and saying the punchline the right way. Anyways, it went great. I had the best time doing it. I'm definitely gonna do it again. And uhm, I had a great time, so I appreciate those guys putting it together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did two things. I did things that were specifically just for a Spanish language audience. So I wrote material just for the show. And then I also translated some things I'm doing right now into Spanish and tried that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. You know what's funny? I did that show last night. At one point, I asked who in the audience had kids and like one table clapped and I was like, what the fuck kind of Latin show is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Miami, Miami, you're like, I have a Pokemon. And they're like, do you finger girls too? And you're like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in elementary school and they're like, so are we man, it's Miami.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also realize that like, at a certain point, if enough people said they are, you kind of would have to acknowledge it, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the worst. What's it all about? What do you do up there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so past the anger of being asked that question now, for like so many years, that now when I get asked, I swear to you, I just got asked, somebody, yo, you're a comedian, yea, and they're like, what do you do? I go, I don't really know. By the way, that is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is weird to live in this town for this long and like, you're just flipping through channels sometimes. You're like, holy shit, I know that guy. Like in movies, shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're obviously the lady at home and I'm like the gardening team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, there's a rush, go, go. And then he's like, okay, I mean. And then like six guys come in. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? Okay. Okay. And what happens is like every time you're facing away, your head's in the trash. And then every time I do a new accent, you keep thinking it's a different guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't it crazy too that you're always, all, like, you and all these guys, as you're doing, you're always stroking and talking, you're like, you know, dude, Lakers are fucked up this year, huh, and you're just stroking. Dude, even with Lebron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, is that possible? Yea? Yea, of course. No, I went and got MRIs and everything and they're like, oh you have spiny lye, thesis of the fifth lumbar, third degree. And, I mean, that means I'm ten years old I guess when that happens?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, what I did was the doctor told me, he's like, you know, if you'll just like get fat and not work out, it'll be, feel much better. Which congrats on nailing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fifth grade football injury? So there's no, there's no narcissists that have that problem, right? Nope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up with the tats though? How many you got man? Have you ever wanted to get like a, like a white supremacist one and just see if you can get away with it? Wanted to get one, you can't see my back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you told me, like, I don't know what any of those are, you could tell me, like, you know, Aryan Brotherhood. I mean, that's cool, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I actually, I don't, I, uh. I mean I get it, you gotta have something to look forward to when you're locked up, but. You gotta, you gotta fill the day. Yea, gotta have some fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the latins would not accept me for sure. They would not let you in at all. No. But the white, the white guys would let me in for a while. Especially if like, the thing is I could just go deep, I'd be like fucking spicks and just keep saying it and then be like, oh he's alright. You also have money so like. He's alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or imagine like also the guy's like, you're beautiful Kevin. Yeah. I want to make love to you. And you're like, I don't, he's like, yes we are. All right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bad though, all bad. Also crazy that you also might get AIDS. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. And then they're like, how'd you get age? Like these four guys. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not gonna use condoms. No. No. No. Doesn't feel as good. Doesn't feel as good. Especially the guy with AIDS. He's like, I want to give this guy AIDS too. Oh my god. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prison, I don't know, prison has another level though, right? But the handball tournaments were cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if you're like, you would morph if you'd be like, nah, I pretty much love guys. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's kind of gross how big the corporation of the NFL is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, by the way, because you're an awesome artist, is that an innate, like do you figure it out young? Yea. It is, right? I was able to draw it. I remember drawing at a young age and like Brian, my cousin, can really, like just naturally would draw, you know, a face and you're like wow, and then I would draw and it looked like I drew it with my feet or something. It was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? But it doesn't yet. Do you do, is there uhm, have you ever seen like some of these hyper real? Yea. Can you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and, and I mean, think about what he's saying there for people that don't follow. They, they get a guy in a cell. They tell him to put grease on his finger and stick it in his own ass. And then if that guy was like, those guys fucked me, they're like, oh, you've been greasing yourself up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horrible. And that guy even references her video in one of their texts too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about this, why can't that dude, who's the, like, just meet attractive women. All the time. And bone, and like not have it tied to an audition part, like, how is it that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what rich guys, powerful guys do. They're like, I just want to bone. And usually the influence of your power and money are enough to be able to bone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have done this, I would have done this differently with this girl. Go ahead. What I would have done is she would have been, she shows up and, you know, you're like, yeah, I'm down, right? And you're looking at her and you're like, let's do it. She's like, you know, I really like to be in a movie or something. I'd be like, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, send me that, uh, that reel on Monday. And then you smash that night and you're like, send me that reel. And then she sends the reel and you're like, yeah, let's go take some acting classes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's already been open, it's already been drank from. Go get your own water. May I have some please? No, you cannot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what's up dude. We would be good bunkies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had them wheel over, like, it wasn't necessary. The sweatshirt was appropriate for the natural temperature. She's like, wheel that over, and, you know what has settings? Basically, like, cranked all the way full blast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sober for a week, and drop like 15 pounds. Amazing. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Like what are we training for? There's no war coming. We were just talking about like admiring, like not the person that pretends, the person who's really like, I'm fine with what I got, it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like imagine how low somebody has to go to do what you're doing. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I feel like now with the internet though, anyone can upload their own thing. So maybe somebody else doesn't want to put you in something, but you can record and be like, hey, here's my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have a, do you have a genre you get into?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That thing about the amateur stuff too is like, the guy really doesn't know what he's doing. He has a mediocre dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I would be nothing but like, come on Ryan. Hey, Tom! Jesus. Tom! They're like, you're snoring, everyone's fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I would like to go in there and just get on my knees, bend forward and spread the cheeks and be like, draw that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was just creepy. He was just a little off. Sounds like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Empty. It's the same one you just. You had like two ounces. You're like, I gotta pee. Me, I drink like twenty and I'm like, well, my body's just getting started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's awesome. Are you guys doing any, like, shows, like, the night before, two nights before?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hilarious comic, go see him at the store, go see him anywhere. Uhm, seriously. See me at the market. No, anywhere you can see Kevin Christie you should. He'll draw your dick in the checkout line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you basically, you realize you're telling like, uh, you're, you're setting the, the scene for, uh, stories to be told for generations right now. People are out there like, licking their lips thinking about shout. Okay, I gotta pee again. Did I mention that? Just, alright. Just picture in Puerto Rico.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kevin Christie everybody. Thank you very much for Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. Thank you Kevin. Thanks for coming in my cum, Kevin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back and this is a real treat. I've been wanting to play in this for a while. I am joined, we are joined now by comedian, writer, actor, he does it all, George Perez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for coming over. Thanks for doing this, man. Nah, thank you. I'm excited. I've been running into each other for a while. Yeaah. You hooked me up with a gift last time I saw you. Yeaah, how'd you like that? Yeaah, it's live, man. Yeaah. It was pretty... Well, what's the gift? I mean, why don't you tell her about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you, uh, you're doing shows all over now, right? Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the first time I ran into you, I ran into you recently, but I still feel like the first time I ran into you, it might have been with a couple of these Chicago guys. Are you friends with any of those guys? I feel like I was years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For like me and you talking. Really? Yeah. I remember seeing you at a, like you were with a group of guys and I was at a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm talking a long time ago. Where, what city? Here, somewhere in LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And so wait, when was the Rogan one? Not that long ago?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have an amazing story. Oh, it's pretty fucking crazy. I remember the first time I heard this story, I was like, this, this sounds not true. Like, just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fact that like, there's a comic and you're doing, you're doing things and you get on TV. Yeaah. And that this leads to... Prison. I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now wait, one of the best things about, I guess all, all gangs, but the thing that always grabs people's attention are like nicknames. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the term, the word Cholo is in some Spanish speaking countries, very derogatory. You did know that. Okay. Cause I've met like some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mexican people here in like, you know, in, for people that don't know, if you're like Californian, it's kind of describes a certain culture and aesthetic, right? But like in Latin America,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, nevermind. It's a, but it's, it's a, basically you would say it to the native, the native, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you showed up on time. Oh, fuck it. I called early today. See, I already suspected this though. Yeaah. Yeaah, cause you have that thing where I believe that you're gonna do what you say you're gonna do. Oh, I will. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so, I'm trying, so, how soon at, like you're doing construction. I'm doing construction. I got two kids now, dog. At this point. At this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, how quickly, when you get locked up, do you know why you're locked up? Right? Cause at first you're like- Well, they tell you why. Right away? Yea, you know what? Like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's on your mama, and the guy's like, that's the guy that kicked my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is season one. So, and he also must think at first when you call, like, you just did some shit, but the irony is that you hadn't done some shit. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you get a lawyer. Yeah. And, and then isn't this...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically a case of a guy being like, that's the guy, like that's the evidence essentially, right? Yeah. And then are you, is the, what does the lawyer tell you is the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna understand this. So for the, for Judge Wapner's thing, was this a jury trial? Yea, jury. So you went to, you did a full trial? Full trial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And was your defense, I didn't, I wasn't... I didn't even go up there. But did your defend, did your lawyer say like, that wasn't him? Is that what the defense was?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boom. So that means three years of halftime, meaning you're- Year and a half. Year and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I was saying, is it, okay, I know like obviously you're running with crew and getting into wild shit, but there is a moment when you're going to prison of like terror, right? What the fuck is gonna happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, can we back it up one sec? Go ahead, Doug. So, to back it up a second, I know you, so you'd had a prior, like gun possession, this and that, but going, a lot of times I've heard people say that have been locked up, that jail, like county jails in some places are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how many times, like especially a few years ago before I was ever on anything, that uhm, I would be somewhere and somebody would be like, how's it going officer? And I'd be like, what? And they're like, there's nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but let's go back though. So the sheriffs are more chill, let's say. No, they're fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so, okay, so, sheriffs obviously can be dicks, but COs are a different level, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But did, uh, what did they call you? Like disrespectfully? You know what I mean? The other races. The blacks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's kind of like we slang switch each other. Yeaah, and would the Peckerwoods call you guys anything different or no? Nah, because we're allies. Oh, you were? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gangsters and everywhere. So, but compared to where you were at Wasco, this is definitely a better situation, right? It is a way better situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, by the way, this is like an aside. I've told this story before, but I gotta tell you, I think, I don't know if I told you last time I saw you that, so I used to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For this, uh, I don't want to say, this family, okay, in town, legitimate business and the mother is Mexican, father is a white guy. And the kids look, they look more Latino, right? They look like their mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the kid, these are clean cut, like they, you know, go to school and they, they're not bad kids, but the kid loves tattoo, the boy. Yeaah. Starts getting tattoos all over, arms, legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In like, certain styles that like, to the untrained eye, you'd be like, are those gang tattoos? And he kinda liked that. You know, he kinda liked they looked like badass tattoos. Like a, like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of teenage boys would, right? Like this looks badass. So, and then, you know, people are like, what is that? And he would make up, oh, it's this and that, just kind of fucking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets pulled over for a DUI. Or, you know, drunk driving. They take him downtown to Twin Towers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they throw him in, like they just look at him, and they just throw him in, they're like, you are, whatever, you're going in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's in what used to be the gym, which is now all bunked up because it's overpopulated. Night one. So he's in this thing. And by the way, you know, other badass fools are like, who are you? He's kind of bullshitting to like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fucking inmate punches a female guard in the face and like a riot ensues. And he didn't jump. Locked down. He's like, he goes, it's so chaotic and so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's walking me through day by day. He's like, dude, I realize on day six, first of all, he's in for DUI and it's supposed to be in a drunk tank and just let out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, I go, so why, I don't understand why you're not just out. He goes, every time I would call to a guard, be like, like, here's my situation. This is, you know, this is not right or whatever. He's like, guard, he'd be like, shut the fuck up. And like, he wouldn't even be able to get out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How he looked, the tattoos. Yeah, they're like, whatever. He's trying, they all think he's bullshit. No one's listening to anything he says. He goes, it's day six, and I haven't taken a shit yet. I was like, what? He goes, well I would go to the bathroom, and I would sit down, and if I was sitting on the toilet,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, let's say 20 seconds later, just two dudes walk in, and I would be so scared that something's about to happen, that I just pull my pants up and my body would just shut it down. Just kept shutting it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, he lasts, he, he lasts out there, you know, I don't know, like another fucking five, six days. And then they move him to the, uh, the valley. They call it the Hilton, like jokingly they call it the Hilton, because it's so much better than the towers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's there for, and then he's like, he goes, that one's pretty cool. I'm like, you haven't, you haven't done anything bad yet. Like you're just, you got a DUI. He's like, yeah, we're playing cards, having fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, I don't know, he ends up doing, he gets out uh, two weeks late, he does two weeks for getting pulled over for a DUI.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think so? Yeah. And then they, uhm, he said they just, you know, he finally gets out. But that dude, part of the reason was that he would, he basically tried to look like he was a homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yea, my friend, he would have been like, uh, Scott.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said, when you got that sentence, that it was three years, fifty percent. And you're like, uh, I thought I was gonna do half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People's, you know, bodies blown up next to them, killing people, people being killed. I didn't realize for a long time, like, you know, someone raising me my whole life till we're adults now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, like, cause he was the kind of person who, if you're like, I want to talk about Vietnam, he'd be like, yeah, sure. Like, some people are like, I don't want to talk about that. And so you talk, you're like, oh, you, it didn't affect you. It takes a long time to realize, oh, it did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It tremendously affected you. It just manifested it differently. Yes. Through you. Yes. You know, so it definitely like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who I know as my dad is, it truly isn't who he was before that experience. Fuck no. And I'll never know who that guy was. Something happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you think about it, do you ever think about it like when you get angry about something? Hell yeah! Yeah, somebody disrespects you or you know, does something and you're like... I still work at a strip club in the daytime. You do? Yeah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, I was along the same lines. It's like, so the guards were cool with you having this great feast every morning. No, they didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's up with sex? Wouldn't you miss being around, you know, women so much? Or does part of your mind just adapt to the fact that you're not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, and then if you, if you connect with like the female crew staff. That's the whole hustle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you guys. I have a feeling I know how this is gonna go, so. No you don't. I'm gonna pitch you a hypothetical scenario, and you tell me your opinion on it, okay? Alright. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm obviously married to this lady here for, uh, 10 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in this scenario, what I tell her is, I like my iced coffee a certain way, okay? And a lot of times I go and it's not made to my satisfaction. It's frustrating. So I've learned to order it a certain way. I make certain, you know, to get it the way I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, what I was telling her was like, what if, in this hypothetical scenario, one day, I kept going to the same coffee place I always go, and I felt like this person was purposely disrespecting the way I want my coffee. No, wait a minute, you've added


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I grab him, I pull him into the bushes, I smash his head against the pavement, I stomp on his neck, and I break his neck to make sure it's broken, and then I put him in the trunk of my car, and I go home. She's out, she's, you know, doing chick shit, getting her nails done or something. She comes home,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, what's up? I go, I got to tell you something. All right. I had a little, I had an oopsie this morning. Uh, I was going to get coffee. You know that fucking idiot. He never makes it right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then save you. Alright, we need to figure out how we're going to deal with this situation. Or, here's scenario number two, call the cops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's wild about her in this scenario? She's so calm! Well no, she, she'll fucking- Well, I'll tell you what- When I picture this scenario, she's like, yeah, no, I call the cops and I go- Immediately. Immediately. And I go, wait. Here's why, here's why, George. She goes-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I mean I keep telling the guy. How many times do I gotta tell him? Straight up, I mean yeaah. Like extra ice bitch, like put it in there. But here's the problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's funny, it's gotta be like a fantasy fulfillment for these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fascinating though, right? That's the war parallel. The parallel is that you adapt to a situation that's basically not normal, right? Yes. But you find a way to make it through that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever have that thing you referenced earlier? You said like sometimes you feel like, you know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta just like, hey, walk up to someone and be like, hey, do we like, I just want to make sure, you know, I live here with you. We have a, there's no problem. Yeah. Do you ever have that conversation and someone's like, no, I do have a problem with you. Yeah. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he told, like, he basically asked for it, right? I mean, he's saying yeaah. I mean, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, this is fascinating stuff. Wait, so tell, so what's your pocket? Where can people listen to you more? Uh, George Perez stories. George Perez stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys gotta rate, review, subscribe. Please. Download that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, George Perez stories, uhm, and you're also, you're getting up a bunch, you're doing shows everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, this is coming out a week later. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, uh, uh, can they find it on your site or on your Twitter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, do you know that we have been doing this right now for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and also, I have, I have put it on mine, uhm, I got it. So, I want to give a shout out to Young Patrion and Obi-Wan Kenoli for making an original song. It's one of the, you know, people make songs for our show all the time. They sent this one in, and honestly, the production, the lyrics, they use all the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You won't know most of the references because they're references from like videos that we've played. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys just knocked it out of the park. So I just got to give a big shout out to Young Patrion and Obi-Wan Kenoli for their original Cool Guys Club collaboration. Here it is. We'll see you next week. Thank you, George Perez. Thank you, Kevin Christie. Thank you. And we'll see you guys next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, why not? Which is like, because I want to be treated like a process. The way my daddy treats my mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna miss the way I smell? Yeah, this is wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want an adult hottie in my lap right now, under 26 right now, no frills, no excuse, big titties in intelligence, I don't care if she's a hood, rap, punk rock, or any kind of anything. As long as she's hot in here right now, I'm a 37 year old dick right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're only having sex, you're telomerase-abundant. You're just gonna get stressed and angry and make everybody depressed and stressed and angry. As you roll with the guy and just go fly and later in life you have cancer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So today is swing to the sack Sunday. We thought we'd do America's favorite pastime. Baseball! We're gonna let this little leaguer swing me in the nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great, uh, I too have a pre-sale to announce. Fill her up, Delphia. I am coming to you December 7th. Pre-sale tickets go on sale June 27th, 10am EST. When are you going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's December 7th. It's the day before I do judo-kitties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the promo code for that pre-sale is going to be mushy. M-U-S-H-Y. Uh, so by the time this drops, you guys can get your pre-sale tickets. Your pre-sale! Ugh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I added a second show in Jew Dork Titties, a 10.30 show. The Gramercy. At the Gramercy Theater. Those did a pre-sale this week, but the general on sale is going on now. That's for December 8th, the very next night. So get those tickets at Christina P. Online. Also, 11.24, that's November 24th, Thanksgiving weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it is, it's a Saturday, you guys are sick and tired of being in the house. Come see me, Mandiego, San Diego, California at the House of Bleeewws. And that's it, and I too will be announcing some kind of thing in 2019, some type of a tour, we're working it out now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's Queen Jeans. Queen Jeans 1.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cool, I, I, you know what, I'm very not cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? I thought he sounded like New Zealand, New Zealand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the one unifying element to the internet. The rest is divisive and hate and, you know, horrible comments. And then there's times like this where some freak can get somebody to rub lotion. Now, do you think the vocal fry is a result of the length?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's forced. That's an affect, this vocal fry shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and also an accent, an affect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's one of your sad traits. You're really bummed about having a big ol' stinky dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is weird, especially because they're upperclassmen, they're more developed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're an adolescent, your body is just fecocta, and then they want you to get naked in the middle of the day, and then, why not, but have practice at the end of the day, and then just go home dirty, can't you do that? Like at a gym or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's, I think, isn't that like natural? Cause your, your body's protecting your, your twig and berries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never showered after, well first of all I didn't really do PE as a kid. Like I would like fake run. I do like a 15 minute mile, so I would never really break a sweat because I was goth. And then that meant that my makeup would get all messed up. So I was just kind of fake. Tick sizes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like titty size, but titty size is traumatic for us girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you get your period and like you want to hide that kind of from the other girls, so maybe they don't have theirs yet. Really? Yeah, I didn't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause then it's, that's embarrassing, you could bleed all over your shorts or something at school, like the first time you get it, that was my big fear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that I get my period at school and like, I just bleed everywhere. I mean it didn't go down that way thankfully. God. But uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like they could just put like a mold dick over your tiny dick. Like if you had a small, like can't they just put like an implant dick over your regular dick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they do male, uh, female to male surgeries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I've seen those penises that, like, when a woman transitions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking. So you just have an enlarged and enlarged clitoris or whatever? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's not, it doesn't look like a big ol' peener. I don't know, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just cause it gets blasted with kids, like, I'm gonna have my second baby, and this kid's already big, they're like, it's gonna be at least eight pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feels great. You're gonna like this one, Tom. Are you in the room too? And he's like, this is great, you're gonna love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I have to, cause it's, it's all blasted, it's all fucked up. It's all blasted. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be an even bigger disaster after this second boy. You think so? Dude, yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all, it's all trashed. This vessel is trashed. I need to get my tits done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever seen like those gorillas in the zoo that have given birth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, right now, naked, pregnant, I'm saying, I take my bra off, and it looks like Coco, the gorilla.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyway, I have gorilla tits and then this belly. It's fucking disastrous. Yeah. Um, yeah. Coco knew sign language. How rad was that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I feel like it's really special, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard to be cynical about baby hummingbirds being fed by their mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so fucking cute. I got my little feeder out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just love it. I can't believe they're using it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have some affairs in Hungary still a little bit because my mother's death, blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, you have to call to make an appointment, right? They don't just take fucking walk-ups, of course. I called a week ago, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Hungarian person answers and goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we are eating lunch. Call back later. Click and doesn't even say goodbye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not really, cause that's how shitty my tribe is. And I hung up the phone and to Tommy I go, this fucking bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, why'd you answer the phone then? If you're not gonna take my call, let it go to voicemail, bro. You're eating your lunch, I respect that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my culture and I, listen, we have many wonderful things about Hungary. We were once a great empire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Culturally, a lot of cool shit, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, my shrink is trying to convince me. She's like, you know, not, not everybody, not every Hungarian is like this. I go, yeah, but overall as a culture,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah, cause like, we were, we were in, so we finally, so anyway, the point is, uh, two months they're booked out, she has one appointment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can have in two months, which was yesterday. So Tommy and I roll down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm sitting there and this blonde chick rolls in wearing track pants and the track zip up and I was like, that's what's up. That's my girl right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, of course, you know, rude is shit, like, not very helpful, sit down, what do you want, kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's so weird that they would cast a guy with an arm cast and then two of his fingers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it makes me dread even, like I was fucking dreading having to go there and deal with this shit cause the, you know, the Hungarian government is like not, they're not, it's not, actually what government is easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't even smile, like they can't even feign being human, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm glad that shoot's over with, this is like the last thing I have to deal with for my mother's death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody tells you when somebody dies, it's just paperwork for fucking two or three years, man. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a legal nightmare. So if you can get your affairs in order and get a will in place, a living trust before you die to make it easier on your kids and your family, do do it. Because it is such a bummer if you don't have any of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he does. He does take away. Uhm, so I woke up, I wake up to eat snacks occasionally and watch a minute of your show. And he was at home with his family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. I mean look, uhm, yeaah, no it's true. People have odd reactions to death. They do. You're in shock for a long time when somebody dies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I didn't hear it. When I was laying, trying to sleep the other night and you played that, I had panic in my heart for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just from a fall. Fall down the stairs. I've fallen down the stairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we please just pull up your Netflix queue so the audience can see what I see when I open Netflix?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have to click onto my profile and thank God we have separate profiles. That used to annoy me about Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm like, look at this fucking sociopathic. Here it is. It's all psycho. Okay. Staircase, Vietnam War, Inside the Mind of a Serial Killer, Irish Mob, American Vandal, very funny. Seven. Seven. Okay, you're just re-watching that for fun. I'm assuming you haven't seen that enough. The Departed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hitler's circle of evil, another fun alley, of course, our buddy. Dexter, uh, making a murder, okay. American crime, the traffickers, El Chapo, outlaw bikers, Queen of the South, so it's either drugs, war, or murder. These are your, this is your house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not gay, it's just called what normal people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you're strictly in one category, like three categories, murder, war, and drug lord shit. And mafia. That's all you fucking, and that's all psycho shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You make the mistake of clicking on one foreign thing and then it's like, do you like all foreign shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, if you make the mistake of clicking on like one dumb show, then Netflix forever is like, do you like this other dumb shit? I saw that you liked it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like that. Look at that. But I don't like any of, I wouldn't watch any of these. I'm not interested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're into this Billy Bob Thornton show, Goliath on Amazon. Is it Amazon Prime?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Jerry Seinfeld did it, Obama, Tina Fey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just trying to let you know that like I have kind of a wider array of interests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit's all gay, fucked up and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying my shit's gay, I'm saying that I have other than three primary interests. Here's more my speed, okay? This is more my speed. Yeah, we know what your speed is, psycho speed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold me out, hold me on out. I bring to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is such, uhm, I love this shirt so much. It's disturbing. It's definitely, it's definitely, you know. Christopher Kegel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me, I get the armpits yellowed within like a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's for fucking nerds, babe. White shirts are for fucking nerds and Europeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How hot was it, be honest? I know everyone wants to ask you that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disgusting people. Disgusting. If you're not a baby, there's no point. No. If you're an adult and drinking whole milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she brings it nice and warm temp to, uh, uh, room temperature, right? So it's all fucking warm like it just came out of the cow's tits. I don't know, it just seems like a drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it in private or don't do it at all. It just looks like it's a glass of mucus. It's just fucking disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I used to hate it as a kid even. Ugh, they give it to you with your lunch. It was like part of the lunch program or whatever. And you'd be like, it smells. Cause it would come in like, you know, a plastic container with all the little milk cartons and it would just smell. Cause it had been sitting around in the, in the spare milky dew. That shit's so fucking nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the rhythm of the night. How do you get that crazy? Like what happens where you just don't give a fuck anymore, Tom? How do I get there? Is what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the problem with the subtitles, is that they're not always accurate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, and so that, and also you're missing out on comedic timing, facial expressions, uh, maybe, cause we work on these punch lines, right? For instance, uh, you just do a gesture to go with a word and now the laugh is even bigger. So you are fucking with what we do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, the key to good comedy is the element of surprise. So you're right, maybe it's a control freak thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm telling you, cause I've seen how they subtitle things, it's not always accurate, the words. Uh, and the wording is so crucial to a joke, wouldn't you say, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We think about words and how many words and word placement. It's very crucial, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I-I-I don't, I don't see why anybody would want to spoil the fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm watching that show Rita, and it's in Denmark. What language do they speak? Is it Danish?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know they're fucking subtitling it incorrectly, it bothers me, and I wish I knew exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They fuck it up, yeaah. But even in this, in our own language, they fuck it up, I'm sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this whole social justice warrior horse shit, you know, it's a very wonderful American thing that we're doing culturally now, policing everybody for every little fucking thing they say that's remotely offensive to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, same in Hungarian. Do you think they've stopped saying faggot or whatever because, uh, five people are upset by it or whatever? I mean, come on. You're gonna stop. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone gets their needs and their feelings acknowledged. Guys, this is a safe space. That's my favorite. It's a safe space. There's no fucking such thing as a safe space. Okay, you're always under threat of being, your feelings misunderstood or you not communicating clearly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fucking generation is fucked. You guys are all fucked. And you're creating this puritanical dogshit place. You're never gonna sterilize the world, guys. It's never gonna fucking work out for you. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One day don't you want to prepare your kids for that? Inevitability? That there are fucking dickheads out there? Of course. Evil fucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best thing the preschool teacher ever said to us, uh, was that, she said, your son is a great kid, nice kid, doesn't play with everybody. And I said, that's right. That's how I fucking raised him. He's an elitist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no. No. That's not what we do. But I am proud of him. He's discerning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's brilliant, that's brilliant. This guy's got a real talent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always felt that the Jews were more rational because I grew up in the San Fernando Valley and it just made a little more sense, a little more intuitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now they actually, do they fuck through a hole in the sheet or that's the- No, that's a true- That's just a handmaid's tale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well we've flown a couple times with him. We've sworn it off now until he's like 10.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was on a long flight and I ate tacos in the Atlanta airport. Bad idea before like a 19 hour flight to Johannesburg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I sharted, but luckily I had a pair of panties with me in my carry-on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is all our listeners care about, I'm telling you, this is it, this is the topic they want to know about. So hold on, so you're watching a movie, one of you has to fart, what happens? Walk me through this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy, we're having a baby. No smile. Guy falling out of a tree. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my argument too. It's not consistent with the rest of the speech. Now, I'm home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? That you play drunk so well, you're such a great actress, and every time I see you do drunk- You think I'm really drunk? No! Yes, yes, like you, you, you do this thing that's brilliant where you don't overdo it, like you do it the way drunk people really do it, where they're trying to hold their shit together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's so funny. And your trash voice. Do it, do it. Like Tasha, you make fun of your relatives. I love that too. Like Tasha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is a dude thing, let me tell you though, cause I know that you would fuckin' choke a man out for snappin' at me like that too, I think. Uh, it's just, it's like dude and it's testosterone, Natasha. I didn't, yea I know you're right, and I also didn't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, or just admit that you hate your mommy and daddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's not about your mommy and daddy. But you're wiring that shit when you were growing up and you're like, people used to fucking get on me dude. Like that's like your primal, that's your blueprint for the rest of your, like that's always gonna be a trigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get- I see red, like I wanna fucking kill you and your children, I wanna fucking kill you. But then you have to remind yourself, like this person's life is so shitty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a, it's a really exciting episode. We've got great guests coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think what happens is I'm comfortable in a, uh, a certain, in a certain bandwidth event of excitement. And I don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Allow myself to get excited in fear of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe what that'll feel like, or maybe being disappointed by that feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I know what makes me excited. I know what helps me. Murder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't watch this. No, no, no. Okay, I watched, remember the, the, we played it a long time ago, these poor girls in Belize who were like, I pooped through the hammock. I watched that documentary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's about John McAfee, the guy who started the McAfee anti-virus software.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, he's got like six different, uh, hair colors in his hair and he's got crazy shoulder tats and yeah, he's having to go shit in his mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause they asked the girl, like, did they ever have traditional vaginal sex? She was like, no, no, no. No, no, no. You just pooped. And she was like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what I want to know from a scat person? How do you stop, how do you keep from vomiting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, if you want to watch the full, that's a good documentary. It's called Gringo, The Dangerous Life of John McAfee. It's on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would I do this? Of course. Of course I would. What a silly question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. What if you have a real slopper coming out the first time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he, I think he probably wants, uh, like a four most of the time. Most people do. Like an easy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you really grind one out and you're like, and you're grinding your teeth and he's like, he's like, woof, and he can see it slowly come out. And it's like a, you know, like a, like a old Play-Doh, a card.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see if I can, I want to pull this up for you because I laughed so hard and thought about you. Oh, here it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, he's like, forget about Viagra or Cialis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you wanna really get hard, he's like, smoke meth, and you can watch me, watch my little imp dick get super hard the more meth I smoke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's nice. That's really good. A nice thing. The best part is right here though. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's saying like, you want a credible source? Well, my brother smokes meth with me. His dick gets so hard, he can barely not cum. He pulled his big hard dick out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the difference, I think the piss on me beat me guy, why he trumps this guy, is because he just smoked right before he made that video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might be our guest, right? It is our guest. Oh, okay. Let's take a quick break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like the, um, the rim that used to be snug is all open now, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I watched it. I couldn't believe how big his dick was. He jerked off in four strokes. Cause like, you realize too that his brother didn't give in on this request the first time. His brother's like, you know, you keep asking me to smoke meth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's okay. Now, Blue Band, where's the, where's the follow-up video? You just gonna send me this tease and not follow through?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's not just something bad for the gay community, I think this is for the all-dicks community. Anyone with a dick, no matter where you want to put it, could be, it could make, I mean, if I smoke meth and I'm like this guy, I feel like I could have problems too, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it is appealing when you, when you hear somebody say, you know, Your dick had become so sensitive. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know, what I would like to ask Dr. Drew or any doctor listening is, does this in fact cure erectile dysfunction?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we're talking about all these, you know, the silly parts of this. Yeah. What about somebody who's like, I'm really struggling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've tried Viagra. I've tried Cialis. I've tried injections.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not working. My dick's limp. I wanted to get hard. Does meth actually help you out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bring it back man, try it out. Is it possible?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Skin picking, yeaah. Skin picking. Yeaah. I've been around people that, that have been picking at their skin. It makes me wonder sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did, remember we played that one really aggressive woman one time who was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, yep. That's my tribe. But yeah, there's, uh, this guy really went for it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's been through it all day. Yeah, and this is, this one's from a while ago. I mean the same trial, but I think the first time they had a trial, uhm, that resulted in a hung jury, and he's walking out. It's a very serious matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's kind of crazy, but the latest is that he was convicted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's convicted, he's facing 10 to 30 years in prison. This is leaving the court house, headed to his vehicle, and I don't know, just keep an eye on the cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I dug up, we played this years ago. ESPN had him on. Oh my god, this is the best one. And he was just supposed to kind of tease the clip. Like, uh, tease the fact that there was a matchup that night between two teams. One was his, I think, alma mater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was supposed to be, I think, horns. So the idea is that it's, if you're at a live high school or college game, you might have like the marching band. So he's like, this is the temple house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I get, if I get allowed to do that on TV, I'm gonna do the same thing he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or cause you like candles. Like people who have candles are all like, man, he's electric bills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, they just, uh, they're shameless, you know? They're like, they're ultra-narcissists, and they're shameless. So, they do the thing that they want to do at all times, and they don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think uhm, you know, the jealousy and the rage that he had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody else could have Nicole but him, so he went there and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck them up, and uhm, and with Bill, I think he excused his perverse, really gross, uhm, choice for like a sexual satisfaction because he drugged people. Yeaah, so they were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he justified what he did. He probably justified what he did more than one way, meaning that, you know, if the woman showed up,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In his mind, he's like, first of all, she knows, she wants a part of this just because she's here. So that's part of his mentality of justifying what he does. Then when she has a drink, he's like, I mean, his mind is probably like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're, they're complying. Yeah, she's complying because she's drinking the drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He built probably thought there was, you know, he might even really believe it. There's an unspoken agreement between him and everybody that he assaulted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's totally different obviously things that they did, but they're definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they definitely are not people that, that uhm, feel badly about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they'll find something in their mind great that they did and that's what they want to focus on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it is fascinating. I mean the cause too, it's even, it's different, obviously he didn't murder somebody, but it's so calculated that he had


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Developed, over time, the perfect cover to do, juxtaposed with what he was doing, to do what he wanted to do. In other words, being America's dad, being the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, the suit and tie, don't curse, you're lecturing people about their language and you're drugging and assaulting people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're back, uh, we were smoking meth, we were, uh, we came real hard, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are raised in San Diego and you're Korean. Do you feel like, oh, like the world has a lot of Korean people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With you, your name is Bobby Lee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your lovely... Kalyla. Kalyla. Yeah. You wanna, you have a last name? Kuhn. Kalyla's fine. Oh, Kalyla's fine. Kuhn. And you also have your team. I have my team, yeah. Your Tiger Belly team. But they're not here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in trouble again, what happened? No, we, sorry, we were uhm. He's in trouble again. This is him leaving court. Yeah. Leaving court where you've been convicted of sexual assault. Yeah. Okay, just keep your eyes on him. Okay. So he knows all that's coming up is sentencing. Yeah. That he's gonna do a minimum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being in this business, if somebody was like, hey, do you want a job on a show where you're working with Lunatic? My instinct would be like, haha, yes, just because I need a job and I don't have the, um, you know, the benefit of saying like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, did you ever, uhm, did you partake in crazy sexual activity because of meth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my point is you're not as of, you're not of sound minds, you don't have full responsibility.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm surprised, uh, it just doesn't bother me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying that that's a viable idea that she threw out. I'm not saying it's true. I'm saying it's plausible. Can I say this though? Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me go to my Asian question now for these two Asians. So, did you follow the controversy over the prom dress?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Alright, so I can show our audience. So here's the dress of this girl. What's your take on it? I'm gonna throw this out there, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The drama is that a girl, uh, went to prom and she bought, uh, a white girl. A white girl, yes, a white girl bought a, I guess you call it traditional Chinese dress. She saw it and was like, I want to wear this to prom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She posted her pictures, like, going to prom. And, uh, anyways, somebody else...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a Chinese guy, to be specific, did a tweet where he quoted it and said, uh, my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, something like that. I just, I put out there, by the way, that I hope everyone that's giving this girl shit, uh, gives Steven Seagal some shit too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, I used to make fun of him for this in my act. Yeah. About, cause I used to watch that show, uh, Lawman, which was a reality show. Followed him around. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like Jefferson Parrish and he was so blatant about his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, how he would switch up for different races. So when, you know, he'd pull over black, he'd be like, what's up with y'all tonight?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Asian people. I swear he was like bowing. He would bring up martial arts and they were always like, I called you about a fucking, uh, there was a fire next door. Like I don't want to get into this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean like, I'm, uh, like I get to observe him, so I, and I'm also his kid, so I get, oh my god, embarrassed and all, you know what I mean? But I know his heart's in a good place. If he were here right now meeting you, you know, he would only be able to bite his tongue for a few minutes. Right. Before he'd be like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you've heard all kinds of- I mean shit, in the parking lot of the store you've heard the wildest shit anyone will ever say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let's say you're single. Alright, take yourself to a single place. Oh yeaah. Oh yeaah, feels good, right? And, uh, this guy sends you a video. Would you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reaction I thought was going to be real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So did you go to town? I mean, you were a young, sober, like, uh, horny kid. I mean, were you just like, like a rabbit going through this? Oh yea yea yea. Like that. Yea. And then, uhm. But you're a pretty straight forward lover is what you're saying, right? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To do something like that. But you know, I, I uhm, I'm selfish because I, I also did it because, honestly because I was a fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true. I was like, I'm a Bobby Lee fan, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'd love- first of all, I'd love to find those people. I could tell you who those people are. Oh, give me their number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you find that the longer you do this and, you know, I mean I'm sure you experience it too because you come into it from not having probably a lot of public exposure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, it being not rooted in truth means that you will, uh, uh, out credit that, that claim. That's just internet, uh, gossip, you know, it's like, it's, it doesn't, it doesn't, it's not like a valid source. It's somebody saying something and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always like there's a level of disconnect, right? So you don't feel like, not talking about Bobby, the guy sitting in front of me, it's a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are not in a good place if you spend time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you saw who it was, the reality is you'd be like, oh wow, like, this is a pathetic ride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and you know, they always say that thing that the person that spouses that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hate is actually, they love you and don't know how to say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's somebody doing that right now who probably teaches out of school. Exactly. Oh my god, right? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God bless you. It's quite nice. I wanna see somebody trying to scare someone and they scare the wrong person. I think it's pretty great. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, how did you meet him though? Because I knew her when they were dating. So we were- Oh, that's right. We were like open mic'ers and like, uh, and she would show up and she'd be like, here's my Chinese boyfriend. And I'd be like, hi, how are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, uhm, that I would go to your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, when you fart when you're doing stand-up, that's funny. Yeaah. No, when you start stand-up, you're like, oh, this lady is, she's running shows. And I was, I was almost intimidated. You know what I mean? No. Yeaah, because you go like, oh, you're like a gatekeeper also. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was only able to date her because I didn't watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, if you had been on one of the shows, like, if you were on one of the real worlds that I watched, and then I'm like, oh, I think I would have kept my distance. In other words...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew, I knew you had quite the resume when it came to that, so. You know what I mean? You were over there in Australia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So isn't the answer there though, or the solution to kind of get rid of some Asian people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Build that wall. So here is uhm, two deaf people fighting. I have to pass gas real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was trying to tell him that we used to go, we had that joint in K-town, we lived there on 6th street, I forget the name, I forget what corner it was on. Cause it's really Korean. Yea, yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, the show is Tiger Belly, it is a weekly podcast, it's on, you can download it everywhere. Thanks for having us on, was this, was this a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do it again, uh, let's podcast for sure again. Let's give dinner, and at dinner, I want you to reveal more about yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna have to hook up to college football games, you know that? What does that mean? Because- We'll talk after. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we'll, uh, we'll see you guys next week. Thanks for listening!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you can find anybody you know, that won't get you into trouble. Smoke some meth. The more you smoke off that bowl, the harder your dick will get. Your dick will get hard. So if you want to smoke from a limp dick to a hard dick,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you've had any kind of erectile disorder problems, I'm here to tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I walked up to it and I was like, this isn't his house. Mark Maron does not live here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, thank you. This might be the best. I mean, I got, there's only, I've never read reviews or anything and you want your friends to like it? And so, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, thank you, cause I feel like, I feel like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I feel bummed out that I don't have like an angle that I'm preaching about. You know? These days everyone's got something to preach about. And for me it's just funny stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I gotta give a, I gotta give a shout out to the, uh, the end of the special. That's Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's so funny, I never, I never take any jokes or anything from people, I just don't. And, uh, Mark Norman, Shane Torres, both gave me punch ups, like, cause they were there when I was running the special, and you gave me the end. It's the best end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they were there, but they didn't see the taping. They did not see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I talk shit, so much shit about them. And I had to go, I had to say to Georgia and I like, oh listen, I talk about you guys on the special and I make jokes about you, you know I love you, right? And they're like, yeah. And I go, okay. And I was like, what do you say about us? I said, well, the first thing I say is my daughters are fucking idiots. And they both started laughing and they were like, we're not idiots. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you are, and then I told them the stories that I told them the special and they're like, okay, I can see how that could make me look like an idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She bought the website lindgrusen.com for this so she can make shirts to fuck with me. That's hilarious. Dude. Yeah, I that's that's fun. Yeah, she's cool. Lynn Gruzen. I call her cunt and And I say she is I'm being dead serious because she is she really is if you look at her face She's the girl. I fuck with her car


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[Assistant] If you look at her face, you're like, oh yea, you can see how she'd be a cunt. Uhm, I put stickers on her car, and so like, I used to do it all the time, and I would put like, uh, Make America Great Again when the election was going, and she couldn't get them off, and she would lose her shit. But yea. That's amazing.


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[Assistant] I look bad shirtless sitting. Cause like my butt, my belly mushed. Oh for real?


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[Assistant] That is so fu- like, it scares me now. Like, I don't know what scares me now, more, uh, the fact that Tom's gonna be 55 when his kids go to high school.


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[Assistant] Or the fact that I was broke as fuck with children thinking, oh this will work out. I know. I can't believe it.


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[Assistant] I can't believe I did that. Like now looking back I go, that was really irresponsible.


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[Assistant] If I could just get like two more years with this, I'm done. You gotta do this for another 15 years. Wait, what do you mean two more years? Two more years. I just need two more years of good touring, and I can just coast. How could you coast after that? I just coast.


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[Assistant] Dude, when I did that run with, uh, Barghazi. Yea, you only did that for me.


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[Assistant] I did it for one week and I was a fucking mess. And you're gonna do it for a year. Because you know me, I have, I have a tendency to, uh, allow myself treats when I haven't earned treats. You know, like, and so those mornings at the airport where I go, I don't wanna be here, my brain goes, why don't you get yourself a treat? And then I'm like, okay, double Tito's and soda? Sure!


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[Assistant] One of the dads, one of the dads was giving a speech about, uh, like, about the dad's club. And, uh, yea, like there's a dad's club and he's like, you know, and it was, it was so bordering on being inappropriate because he was like, you know, I'm here for the dad's club and I just want to let you guys know that


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[Assistant] I couldn't, I, I couldn't, uhm, I can't watch porn that even is remotely young. Because, because George is 14, so all her friends are like, they're young ladies. And I can't, I'm like, fuck that, like, I have to watch Old Lady, like Broken.


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[Assistant] I, you know, I've never seen that. There's, yes, there have.


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[Assistant] And to this day, it's like, it's like Leanne doesn't do ass play, you can't fuck around with her asshole. And so, I'll never be able to change her mind about that.


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[Assistant] I wish I could share, but I would hate to bring it up and then you go, I really didn't want. It was like two guys talking.


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[Assistant] No, it was like, it was like, okay, imagine if someone was like, um,


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[Assistant] Imagine if, it's, it's, I can't even say it, like, imagine if someone's like, don't you love fajitas? And then you go, oh, I do love fajitas. It's like, isn't your favorite part when you just put your tongue on the, on the metal and it burns your tongue? You're like, no, I don't do that. And then, and then your buddy's like, that is my favorite part. And you're like.


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[Assistant] And I was in the car going, I've never done that. And now I'm thinking, how come I've never done that? And how come I'm not into that? I've seen it, but I've never done it. So.


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[Assistant] She's fine. Oh, okay. She's chilling in Florida somewhere, I'm sure. Casey Anthony's the person that I found out you could get chloroform online.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, oh yeaah, oh yeaah. I have that from, from, not even joking around, uh, uhm, Leanne started ruining my orgasms. With that stuff? No, she, I was having an orgasm one time and she was on top.


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[Assistant] She's on top and she was, and we're going, and she sees it happening in my face and she starts smiling like biting her tongue like, and I'm like, don't fuck, and it didn't happen. And for like a month I was, I wasn't having orgasm.


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[Assistant] I'd probably go with, I'd probably go with someone like that. I would, I definitely would like to do some stuff that I haven't been able to do.


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[Assistant] Yeah, oh yeah, we're going rough and rowdy. Like, I'm not gonna, like Leanne and I are very meat and potatoes, we haven't really like, switched things up, like done anything crazy in a very long time.


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[Assistant] No, I'm just young. I wasn't young. I would go very, I would go probably, I'd probably go like 30 years old. I know that's not young, but 30 for me is really young. 30 years old.


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[Assistant] Oh, no, no, no, yeah, no, no. I go 30 years old and I start having kids again, too.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, I definitely need that. I often think if Leanne died, no one. Like, if she died before me, everyone would be like, everyone would be like, it should have been you.


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[Assistant] Everyone. Like at her funeral they'd be looking at me like, the wrong one died.


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[Assistant] I asked Leanne one time if, how, how upset she'd be, like if I died. She goes, I gotta be honest with you, I think I might be a tad bit relieved. And I went, really? And she goes, I mean, I worry about you a lot and I feel like, I feel like I take care of you so much that if you died I'd be like, finally I can focus on me.


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[Assistant] I remember one time I told Leanne which of her friends I thought I could fuck. This is a long time ago. And she was, this is like, we're not even friends with those people. And I was like, I definitely could fuck her. And Leanne's like, no you couldn't. And I go, no I definitely, I know who I can fuck and I know I can't fuck. And then Leanne brought it up to them at dinner. I was like, now I definitely can't fuck her.


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[Assistant] She would. I mean, I was better looking than her husband at the time. I still am. By the way, they're not even married anymore. Oh, so you could. I think I still could. Check this out.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I bet, I can, I can, you'd move to Ojai and you'd start writing books.


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[Assistant] If Tom died, you and the boys would move somewhere nice. I think you'd leave LA, you'd move somewhere nice.


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[Assistant] She's just kinda like, I don't know, I don't think she, I don't see her, I do not see her longing for another man. Like that just is not in her book.


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[Assistant] I commissioned it to be done. You are not. You did not. I swear to God. Are you fucking serious? I swear to you. You did. That is amazing. They even got my gold teeth in there. Yeaah. They put my gold teeth in there.


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[Assistant] That's great. It's Netflix sent it to me and they were like, I hope you like this. We really like it. We're not making fun of you. We just think it's gonna...


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[Assistant] They th- with all the fat shaming stuff, I was like, as soon as I saw it I went, oh my god it's fucking awesome. And then they were like, oh thank god.


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[Assistant] I'm super, uh, I've never been, I mean, it's not my face, but yeah.


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[Assistant] Dude, most of what I, most of what I'm doing, I'm not even joking, I think are things I would tell you when we were driving out to, uh, Brea, and we just bullshit. There's a bit that I had you laughing so hard at when we were driving to Brea one time, and I thought this could be a joke.


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[Assistant] And I cannot remember how to do it. It was about growing up in a, in a white trash neighborhood. And it was something about, there were these two brothers, Darren and Darren, or Darryl and Darren.


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[Assistant] You got it from this moment or he'll feel like you were running bits on him working out later and I never worked it out and I still don't know that bit.


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[Assistant] I think so, I think I've, I actually. Forty-six? Forty-five. Returning forty-six. In November, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. The marathon was the biggest mistake of my life. If I could go back, I would never run that marathon.


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[Assistant] All of us, when we kept off the weight for so long and then when I ran the marathon, I couldn't walk for a week and I couldn't work out for like over a month. And I put on 15 pounds immediately. Jesus Trejo ran the marathon with me too. And he was like, dude, I gained so much weight after that marathon. Wow. Because both of us, I was, my body was unusable.


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[Assistant] I cannot express to you how little I could walk after the marathon for a week. I couldn't get out of bed and move. And like still, my scapula, something's, I mean it's just, it's just an unneeded pressure on your body. But uh,


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[Assistant] Well, I did the triathlon because men's health hit me up and was like, man, we're so inspired by all these things you're doing. You're making the average guy, these accessible for the average guy. And what's next? And I was like, I've always wanted to do a triathlon. I've always wanted, man, that triathlon was scary as fucking shit.


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[Assistant] I think everyone, I remember telling it to Ari, and Ari's like, oh, so it's doable. And that's what I thought, very doable. Until you actually get in the water and swim, and you're like, okay, quarter of a mile is a long swim. And it takes me, it takes me in the pool, it takes me eight minutes to do, and I am gassed at the end of 400 meters.


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[Assistant] To a 10 mile bike ride and then a three mile and then a three mile run. And so I did the swim dude.


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[Assistant] Here's the biggest problem with me is I am truly competitive. Like, there is this part of my brain where it's like, where I was like, getting out there, I was like, I'm not coming in last. I'm not gonna allow myself to come in last.