[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're in Portland and you didn't get your tickets back when I announced those April shows, this is an added show for Portland, Oregon. So I'm excited about all those. They're all at TomSegura.com. Check them out when you get a chance. Jean? Portland. Portland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that's before he, uh, he lost a bunch of weight. I don't know if you saw that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's an old clip. He's uhm, he looks way different now. You wanna see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does he sing? He sings, uhm, God Bless America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's actually, and he got, he got like off the lane. Yeah. So this is kind of like when that video was, you know, he's definitely chubbier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's weight loss. Yeah, here's pre-prison.


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[Assistant] But yea, it definitely worked for him. His uhm. Damn. Yea, he's definitely got himself. Good for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is him now. Your syllogisms, if you want. This is his Instagram. You can see, right? Always wearing- Looks good!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He likes his, uh, he likes his clothes. This is his lady. They're getting married. No shit. She stuck with him when he was in prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I forget it. I don't remember. Yeaah. I don't remember her name, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I think, you know, better way to say it would probably be confidence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Way better. He's also like, like I said, he's kind of off of like every night smoking blunts, drinking, you know.


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[Assistant] You know, to a degree. I mean, I think that crosses all, all races.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people, I mean that's just a type of person, regardless. You're right in that it's, I feel like you do see a lot of white people celebrating the bummer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do get, I'm upset, I get bummed out that we don't see a comedy celebrated amongst ever. Best screenplay. I mean, a few I guess have been screenplays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best picture, best actors, they never give them to comedic performances. And the part that obsessed me the most about that, and I know it's been said before but it's very true, is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of times these iconic comedic performances can only be done by that one person. Whereas the dramatic role, there's like ten guys that could play that role. There's ten girls that could play that dramatic role. But how many people can play


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eddie Murphy in fucking, even that ridiculous movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, what is it? Where he plays all the characters, but no one else can do that. So why isn't that celebrated? It's a huge talent. Jim Carrey in basically anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they gave, they nominated Bill Murray for Lost in Translation, which is a great movie and a great role, but I think you could nominate him for ten other roles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're fuckin' writing it. Hardcore. We're performing it. Traveling with it. Alone. Yes, motherfuckers. As soon as you see like an improv show or a play. Please. Or even like acts where there's two people on stage. You're like, you have somebody else to bounce, like you're not up there alone. When you're alone, it's a totally different thing. A guitar, another like thing. Yeah, it's something that you can kind of put off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, all of a sudden, you have support. You have this thing that can play as you're doing. It's not that it's not a skill or a talent, because it is. But when you're alone with a microphone, it's way more, you're way more vulnerable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you're just doing like music and shit.


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[Assistant] He did do a movie, he did a movie last year, but it was more serious, like it was drama.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, like Jamie Foxx, super talented, he got it, he won an Oscar for playing a serious role though. Only serious. They just won't give it to you for comedic role.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, did she, oh, but she didn't get a, she didn't get a nomination for that role though. For Arrival. Okay, okay. And that girl's name is Emma Stone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He probably will. I can't wait. He probably will. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably have a little bit of a window where it could happen in, where like your son can still see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I see these and I'm like, people follow this right now? That can't follow it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That Elon Musk, SpaceX, Tesla CEO, they're gonna send two tourists to the moon next year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think it'll be fun to hear the, uhm, the moon landing deniers. Yeah, crazy. Flat earth people start talking more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Repairs will take two years with the major road closed and the entire neighborhood smells like sewage every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't call the, uh, the city and be like, I demand. The earth opened up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this weekend, I should say, I was in Canada, and I had a great time. Uhm, I was in Edmonton, Calgary, Vancouver. In Calgary, I hung out with your old buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're coming up to me and they're telling me how much fun they had, but they're also saying that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like even Tom, he's out there, but he's just one element of what's going on. It's such a, it's such a cool thing, you know, that like everybody was just like, ah, man, this whole show is such an awesome, neat thing.


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[Assistant] I just love, you know, I just love all the components. Cause really those guys, they're just as important as time is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he sold 180,000 tickets. So you know how crazy that was to them? So, you know, if you go to like, for instance, staple center, uh, and you look on the ceiling, they have banners of championships. So it'll say, you know, 2002 Lakers NBA world champions. Right. So in, in Edmonton at Rogers arena, they have oilers, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They added, while he was there, a Garth Brooks banner that says 9 sold out shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Agent Jeans is coming over. That's right, he is. So maybe I'll do a video with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got an email, somebody wrote in, they said, what the fuck, why do you keep saying amaze and excite instead of amazing and exciting? And I guess, you know, it's probably a newer listener. Yep. I'm realized that Kimann, Kimann?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is the reason that we do that and, and uh, in this old video we played where we interviewed her, she spoke like that. What is amazing.


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[Assistant] She's in shape. She looks amaze. And she's like, she's getting fucked by a wilder beast right now. And she's taking it. She's a real strong performer.


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[Assistant] I don't think that they know that for our show we prefer them to do it without the music. Right? Can you guys redo this?


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[Assistant] Are you serious? Seems like you might be mocking someone who does this.


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[Assistant] I mean, this obviously is a guy who doesn't have a lot going on in his life. Is that the only factor?


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[Assistant] I'm seeing a fucking solstice or whatever. You know what I mean? These guys are out of their minds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, I posted a video where I could like to train the foam- the foamer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a bunch of people were like, where'd you find this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, one guy was like, am I crazy? Does this guy actually sound like you? You know? Cause I did it, like, through my voice a little bit. Off screen. Can't believe that people didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, but I mean, would you would be that excited to drive on it? You saw that being constructed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Well, obviously the dad boner level of excite is off the charts there. And dad boners being excited has something that we really have been excited about here. So we had Bluban throw together. Bluban, that could be his porn name. That could be his porn name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blow band threw together a super cut of dad boner.


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[Assistant] I guess, you know, it does feel good to hear dad boners get that excited.


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[Assistant] You know what I think it is? It is child-like enthusiasm. And the thing that's rare about that is that you're seeing it in adult. Most adults don't ever have that low. And that's the nice part about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We also mock it, but we also celebrate it. Yes. Yes. We, we mock the burping. Well, we mock the excitement.


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[Assistant] We want to make them insecure and never do it again. But we also are taking a moment to say it's nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, yeah. Maybe just. I think it kind of ruined the mood in here for a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, but I would tell you if you were laying around and I saw that I'd be like, you know you're a pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot. All kinds of fluid and stuff came in. It was fine.


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[Assistant] Well, I don't know what else to call it. It looked like somebody just opened like a sewage line and just emptied out a hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I do remember. You remember? I do. Uh, she's on Lincolndon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] LinkedIn is not helpful. Unless you're, you know. Someone. Someone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. What's going on? Focus level of focus. Right.


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[Assistant] I'm so focused on the thing that I'm doing or enjoying that I don't hear anything else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Part of the time. Okay. Because how often is the food that good? Like that for Tata was so good. Yeah. That I was distracted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Close, close. I get into the 40s for sure. Yeah, it's really nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the most extreme that I've heard is like 45.


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[Assistant] But I think people see the gray in the beard. I'm telling you, the beard being gray ages you a bunch. You shave this, you look closer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will not try jet black. I wouldn't even make this totally. I would just ask him to, you know, sprinkle in color. I wouldn't even do it. Not that I'm doing it. If I were doing it, I would do a modest version.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's something I've done a long time. If it tastes good and it's hot, keep eating it because it tastes good.


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[Assistant] They're peeling right now. I have skin peels right now. I've done that so many times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright Jean, we should wrap it up. Alright Jean. Uhm, I have a great...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totality. Uhm, that's it, thank you for listening, watching the show, yourmomshousepodcast.com, thomsagura.com, thousandranch.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm hoping to have a bonus episode up for you in a few days, one of the live shows from Irvine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This unusual machine aims to take the embarrassment out of sperm donation. Called the sperm extractor, it was devised by Ding Guizhang, chairman of China's Jingu Sanwei Medical Sciences.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much do you want one of these right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for coming, Brent. That was really nice. Oh, there you go. Look at them. Look at those dick sucking machines right there. Wow. That's like, that's... What's dicky?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, you ready to open the show? Yes. You want the clip that you wanted or do you want a different one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Here we go. Let's open the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. So this was on Fusion TV, and uhm, this was fantastic. This, uh, first student body president that's non-binary.


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[Assistant] One of my favorite parts about this non-binary, uhm, you know, revolution.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is when you get to see people talk about it in interviews, and really when you can really start to appreciate the nonsense that it is. Because this person essentially just is like, well, it's just feelings that day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men and women err towards one side or another.


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[Assistant] I think by the way, I know there's some people listening that are shaking their head. I think you deserve the full mockery of what you're going to get. Because this is utter and complete nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It. That. They. They, I don't know. Zim, let's zero it up a second.


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[Assistant] There is no track that gets more bullshit language than philosophy.


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[Assistant] So, is the thing that quotes for Zim, that they heard, they then pronounce, are like, ah, is that what I just heard?


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[Assistant] There should be a lot more snickering amongst her peers though.


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[Assistant] I went to, uh, uh, UConn, so I was in academia.


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[Assistant] I was, see the thing is people don't realize they, when you do colleges and it's students only, it is a bit of, uh, you're stepping into the unknown. Because academia is this, like imagine doing stand up to that crowd I just showed you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And it's very oppressive. And they're very offended, usually, by a lot. So, and like, I'm not, you know, the most offensive dude, but you know, I'm a club comic. I tour, I perform for adults. So you always have that moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right before you hit a college stage where you're like, is this gonna go downhill in me?


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[Assistant] Recipes? Yeah, I know. And it can all be taken the wrong way. Everything can be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even for a second before college, you go like, uh, that's an old, you know, you pull it in your brain and you go, I'll have that on deck if I need to do something to get out of this. I didn't have to do any of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I did FSU the week before, which was fun, but they did...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most preferable way to do colleges, which is half students and then open to the public. So you have an ideal crowd. You have college kids and then adults.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. So that, that was, that was really fun. Uhm, do you know what happened in, I didn't tell you this in, or maybe I did tell you this, in Minneapolis?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meet everybody after the show. It's really just because of how much time it would take. So they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think from what I heard or from what I saw, like, people tweeting at me, they didn't know that it was included.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a lot of laughs about it and everyone was like, nobody wants to meet you. That's really funny. So what happened was, and also they accidentally oversold them. So second show Saturday, they go, you have 87 meet and greets. So I was like, whoa, because normally they try to keep it to 50. I met six people after that show. Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so Minneapolis just know, uh, I don't know what the, obviously, what the confusion was there. Cause in every other city it's been completely fine and normal. New Orleans, Atlanta, clear water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tampa, Milwaukee, it worked normal in every city except for Minneapolis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but the shows were really fun, and the whole weekend was really fun. I had a lot of people asking me, Mike Cronin is Bonesnake3 on Twitter, and uh, he killed it, and the first weekend was Carlos Valencia, and he fucking killed it, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really good time, really enjoyed, uh, those both legs of the tour and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. A lot. And, and it's like a new city every day. So crazy. Yeah. It's very tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did I like the best? Ah, it's too hard to say. It's too hard to say. I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the shows have been fun. Really, there hasn't been like a bummer show. Thank God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking of getting a bolo tie and uh, you know, getting the denim button down with the bolo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know, maybe, should I rock that for my Albuquerque if I do Albuquerque? Of course, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I think shit's here all the time. He just kept talking and I'm like, do you want to hang? He's like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Marriage. We were talking about like, what would happen if one of my parents died first? And I think, uh, I think my dad might talk more of a game of like, you know, oh, I would meet people and date and stuff, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, you know, we pointed out that much like you remind me, there's no woman that could tolerate. No, you're disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so weird, I can't, it's funny when you talk to people whose parents have been together this long, you can't even picture anything, like I would have tried to picture it, I can't even wrap my head around it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, date, like how he would function with another person. Also, you get to these later ages in life, you go, uh, just everyone's so particular and they have their routines that I just, I don't know how.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we go to, uh, we have our routine now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've joined this, uh, new country club called The Mall. And we go all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got two. But it was always just like window shopping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so those of you that don't know, it's been raining in Los Angeles for like six weeks, right? Also, so we used to do, I mean, we still do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not at all normal. No, not for us. It's been raining, raining, raining non-stop. It's like the Northwest. So, you know, sometimes we go to the park, but anyways, with this weather,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Midwest Mom. That was our jam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, here's the thing about having the mall membership.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do kind of feel like you joined a club, cause here's, why would somebody, okay, you join, you join a club for a few reasons. If you were to join a country club, right? First, you have somewhere to go, right? Check that box. Every day. Uhm, it's nice. In other words, it's clean. It's clean and it's warm in there. Nice to look at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna feel special? Indulge in something? Check the box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It becomes a routine. You go, that's where I'm going today. We spend our hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is too, little jeans, he likes, uh, continuous movement in his stroller. So that's the other thing is you have miles of, of, you know, real estate to walk in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. There's mom. Well you don't need it. There's mom. She goes like- How much stuff do you need? She's like, I'm gonna buy a pair of sunglasses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No I don't. By the way, I got you a nice just because present.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're both shelter dogs. We're both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my gab collection. No, you're funny. Cause you, you definitely are like that though. Since, since we started dating, you've been like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, it's just upbringing. It's communist. Yeah. You getting the bread line? Yeah. Hope it all works out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All this talk's got me too excited. I gotta dial it down to something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've seen nothing but turds. You're watching shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Da Vinci Code. Dan Brown. Da Vinci Load. Da Vinci Load is uhm, you know, is a really popular book. It sold, I don't know, 100 million copies. You read it. You liked that book. I thought that, that book is a fun read. Here's what it is. It's, it is, like, perfectly accessible, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That movie I cannot believe performed that well at the box office because it is a fucking pile of shit next to that book. Then they had uh, Angels and Come Demons and then In Fart No came out and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Inferno is like, it's more of the same, it's kinda casual, like it's something you can just kill time with, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's big budget, you know, they have good actors, that goes a long way, as we've noticed that we've hired fucking dogshit actors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uhm, it's tough to sit through somebody's fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the big thing that stood out about Jack reach around to reach all the way all the way back is that the whole supporting cast were like terror turds like fucking local


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, 101 actors. They were just like, not good. And all these guys, the supporting actors in Solace were terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody in that movie had to think that this was gonna be a big hit. I think about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Supernatural thriller, yeaah. And the director though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna see a bad movie? God damn it. Grant Soulless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it's called, right? Solace. Solace? Yeah. I see. Solace. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a good movie. Jeffrey Dean Morgan, he's the guy that, uh, started Jeffrey Dean Sausages. Really? He's the guy that plays the actor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uhm, he has all the sausages and he gives them away. That's the whole premise of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. That was super boring. Thank you for sending that in. That's the, uh, super boarding sand mobile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You realize that that was, that's the best, most outgoing speaker in that department.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, that, that, remember that fucking witch hunter? Is that what it was called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a shorter trailer than we saw. The problem is they gave us too much movie, and that's when you can see what a turd it is. If you trim down your shit trailer, it could be a decent trailer. That's what happened here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else did we see? We saw Inferno, we saw...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Didn't you write it down? No. I thought you wrote it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, that was better than everything we just talked about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and there's actually too many out. That's the other thing. It's overwhelming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like everytime I go on Netflix now, I see...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, I've extended the fat shaming to our president. So uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like so many of you fat shamed myself and burnt Chrysler. Uh, I know. He is fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it worked though, because we, we both got motivated. Um, I'm hoping to extend the same, um, favor to our medically obese president of the United States, but I'm doing something really nice. I am donating all of my profit on the Trump is fat shirts to charity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he, well he's doing something, it's a, it's a fat guy move, I know all the fat guy moves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, dark suits, big cut, it tries to obscure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and, uh, he can afford it. He's just, uh, he's trying to, he's trying to act like he's got his, you know, his skinny jeans on. But he really just needs to drop some weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big ol' fatty. Uhm, yeaah. So, get one and uh, you'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should go to TomSegura.com, click on the store, and you'll see the, uh, I'll make a big thing when uhm, you know, when we've sold the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get done selling them. We're going to donate the proceeds. It's exciting. Yeah, I'm doing this Starlight Foundation. It's a charity for terminally ill children. That's pretty good. This was surprising to me. I didn't expect the president to come out with this, but he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Little Trump. Little Trump 90s. I didn't know that's what he was saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little Trump, nineties. That's how it kind of how he says it. And I didn't know that he was actually saying, uh, little Trump nineties. And that's, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uhm, no, I think it's, here, I'll tell you, it's little Trump, I don't think it's an apostrophe S.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, no, it's, it's uhm, it's L-I-L-T-R-U-M-P, just 9-0-S. Oh, 9-0-S, okay, okay. I mean, that's, that's what I've been able to pick up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, so this was submitted as a vocal fry clip. You know, we've always, you know, participated in, in, uhm, highlighting, uh, severe vocal fry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's one of our, our great vocal fry guys is of course, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, his is so incredible. That's uh, what is that show again? The Polly By Show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two girls, uuuh. That, guys, this is the most vocal fry I've ever heard in a man. In a guy. Or actually maybe in a human. I don't think I've actually heard a woman this level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy, by the way, is basically a murderer without a weapon. He is a world-class multi-fighter champion in, I forget what category, but that dude, that's the funny thing, you hear this voice and you're like, fuck this dude, and that dude would kill you.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Morgan Stanley Sausage. Uhm, he was killed in 94.


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[Assistant] Fuck no, that guy was horrible, man. Let's see. Uh, just so I can remember. Oh, he was arrested in 91. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Later? Let's see. Trial began in 92, January 92, okay.


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[Assistant] Was ruled to be sane, not suffering from mental illness. I don't know if I'd agree with that.


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[Assistant] By the way, no, just so I'm clear, I was there in that year.


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[Assistant] I was a little young for him, I think. I moved there in seventh grade. Wow. Yeah.


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[Assistant] So we'll say most kissy at the top. That would be bitsy. She's the kissiest. Second most would probably be FIFO.


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[Assistant] But he's a distant second in a way. Well, to her, she's so affectionate.


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[Assistant] Get out of here. I'll tell you who's the least kissy. He's like, get the fuck out of here. Little genes.


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[Assistant] He tolerates the kisses. Yeah, he comes up to you, sometimes if he's tired, he'll let you squeeze him, kiss him, but most of the time he's like, fuck out of here.


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[Assistant] He says that's his first word. That's so weird. Fuck you.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'll let you take that one. Finally. Wow. Barely. See? That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm excited for this one. Oh, by the way, thanks to everybody that got the Hey Mommy, Thanks Jeans shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We appreciate your support, and uhm, a lot of people ordered them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really fun to, uh, you know, come up with these and see what people respond to. And it's a very, very, very high quality shirt, so I think you'll all be happy with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Which is so funny. So funny. Anyways, check out with this guy. He orders at a drive through as my dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you talk about creative to the umpteenth level.


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[Assistant] So perfect that he did that. How do you know if you're in front of a Polish firing squad?


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[Assistant] He tells me all the time, you know, uh, now you know why I'm so crazy about you. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yes, I understand that. I love you. And I get it. You get it now.


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[Assistant] He speaks beautiful Spanish, is that what you were gonna say? He speaks absolutely the most elegant and gorgeous Spanish. It's really moving. Is that what you were gonna say? Cause that's how I felt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says, he says that, like, uh, baby, uh, tango outbreak. Eat something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, yeaah. I've been like, you know, I don't really want to go to Italy. That's what he said. Yeah, Italy. Why don't you want to go to Italy? Yeah, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You walk in a museum, see the painting. Alright, I saw it.


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[Assistant] Very, it's very inspiring to talk to you about this. I mean, you know, you see it. All right. I saw it. That's what he said.


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[Assistant] He's the only place he hasn't been that he wants to go, uhm, and this is like a stretch, but I think he, you know, he still considers going, is England. Specifically London.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I think, but my dad's also a history buff, you know, so he would love to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's not a World War II show he has not indulged in in the last 40 years. So yeaah, I think he would enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's uncomfortable to travel with him because, because you sense how unhappy he is.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and it's like he's the kind of person, like he doesn't sit still, kinda like moves back and forth, you know? He does. He puts the left leg that crosses over the right, and then 30 seconds later he moves right to left, and then left to right, and then right to left, and you go like, are you alright? And he's like, yeah. You've moved a lot in the last few weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, yeah, he's getting comfortable. Okay. He is fidgety. Yeah. I mean, that's a small example, but it's, it's that in everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next thing is when are you ready to go back to the hotel? He wants to get back to home base.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I understand it, but he's a, he's an extreme virgin of it because, you know, I get that way too, but he's, he's basically like, you leave the hotel and he's like, when do you want to come back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Travel with him is just, oh my god, really a lot.


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[Assistant] When he's gone. I think it's where he just feels, you know, at ease. Yeah, safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go through the channels, watch some news. Ready to get something to eat? You go get something to eat.


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[Assistant] And then he goes, oh, okay, like, my, sorry, I'm sorry about that. And then you see him, like, just kind of looking around the room, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's also just bored. That's what he told me.


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[Assistant] Can you pretend though, just for like the sake of, you know, decency and to make somebody feel like they're not boring. I don't like to do that. He walks away mid conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's in his own head when he does that. Just super in his head.


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[Assistant] Verdict is, that shit's hard, man. Hard as fuck, huh? Yeah, but here's the thing, I've done, I've done, I've done crossfarts, I've had personal trainers, different ones, boxing class, I've done all those, and I got to that thing where I go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna, you know, I hear you talking about it and I go, you know, I've always associated and heard of Pilates Pilates as uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a female. Like a chick workout. Like a chick workout. So you kept talking, I'm gonna try it. So I went over to your trainer's place in her studio and did a workout and it fucking kicked my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really a great workout. Here's the thing. I like variety in a workout especially. You know, you get married to doing the same thing. It's totally different. And if you've never done it, uhm, the focus, I could say like if you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's a good struggle, it's really challenging, but it's holy shit. I know bro.


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[Assistant] You do 25 reps. So when you're, when you hit 25, let's say you go like, you know, done, done. And then she'll be like, now go into that, not chill and then do that. Do it immediately. Like go back to your resistance, do this next thing 25 times. And you're like, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, then there's a third one after that. So the whole, it's just like you're continuously doing it. Continual. Yeaah. It's a, it's a tough work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well this is nice here, I thought you would enjoy, uh, this, this is something I think we could, we could actually get into this the same way we both went to Pilots, we can both get into this together, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so these are living dolls. And it appears to be men in full women costumes but with these expressionless doll face masks on. And there's makeup on them. So it has that, something that maybe Dahmer would be into.


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[Assistant] Without a doubt, it is less terrifying. This is uh, extremely.


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[Assistant] To what? To what? Wait. To being a person?


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[Assistant] You're just like casually walking down and you see, let's see.


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[Assistant] That, look at you, you'd think A, a robbery just took place or was about to take place or B, you had stepped into your own nightmare because these are absolutely terrifying looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are expressionless faces that don't move. That have makeup on them.


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[Assistant] I don't know what kind of women you've been looking at. They don't look like this.


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[Assistant] Cause that, that's the first thing I think about now with a one year old. Is that he would see this and...


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[Assistant] Bust out crying. Immediately. Need therapy. Probably inconsolably crying.


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[Assistant] I'd rather you be non-binary. Me too. Than start to wear these outfits. Me too. And masks. Yeah. Just tell me that you're fucking androgynous is fine.


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[Assistant] 100%, yeaah. Makes me wanna crawl under a stall and watch a guy shit. That's what it makes me wanna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This kid crawls under a stall into the bathroom. But I'm thinking that that look in his eye is uh, revealing. He's touched? I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of scary because at the end, the guy that crawled under the stall is really close to the camera. He didn't walk that way. He didn't walk towards the door. He walked towards the right shitting. And then it abruptly stops, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's touched. And then, no.


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[Assistant] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, the fuck, hey man, the fuck are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fuck are you doing? I'm taking a shit, fucking weirdo. Yea, and I'd probably pinch it off and pull out my pants. Yea, probably. You just have a mushy shit between your butt cheeks. I think I would too, man. Right? Yea, cause you're so vulnerable. So vulnerable. You're relaxed. Yea, you should be anyways. You have shit coming out of you.


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[Assistant] Somebody enters that space, a stranger crawls under the stall. It's terrifying.


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[Assistant] We have a song submitted, I feel like I should play it on the way out.


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[Assistant] Uhm, oh, we should have done this, right? We didn't do this real quick. What's up with this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in Las Vegas this week. House of Blues. Thursday, the 9th of February. Uh, the full charge is coming with me. Haven't done Las Vegas in a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it sounds made the beat. Did I have the wrong song? Oh yeah, sorry, that's a different thing. This is a... Sounds made the beat instrumental. Uhm, anyways...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, Mr. Sounds Made the Beat. Official hit god. Uhm.


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[Assistant] So Vegas, then I have some news about some dates. Do you mind if I talk about what happened, Jeans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what's going on. I know details about...


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[Assistant] Shows that are 100% going to be gone. Uhm, if you don't know, I'm going to Long Island, Huntington, next week, less than 100 tickets left. The next day, Montclair, 200 tickets left. The next day, Atlantic City, about 100.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Calgary sold out, Edmonton had 30 tickets left this morning, Vancouver has some singles, so those are essentially sold out. Bethlehem PA, you definitely are not in danger. Uhm, then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, uh, Foxwoods. Mash and tug it. That'll go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Chicago, excuse me, Royal Oak, first is gone, second will go soon. Chicago, you have about 200 tickets, that's also in March, I'm not gonna add a fourth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Debating whether to add one to that. Just quit debating, put it in. Put it in there. And Pittsburgh, that one's gonna go. Pittsburgh. Same consideration is there. Burlington, Vermont's gonna go. San Jose sold out, we added one more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The big one is that Portland, uh, Portland is going to sell, the first one went, the second one has a few tickets left. It's in April, so I wanted to add, but uhm, the next day is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easter? So I thought maybe I would come back in like a month and do an added show then. So that's what I'm thinking of doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Seattle, you really should get a ticket if you wanna go. That one's gonna be about a hundred tickets left and it's in April. Uhm, and then of course we're doing the live podcast this Sunday. Very excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] February 12th at the Irvine Improv, the first show sold out, so we added a second show at 9, live podcast. We have Yoshi, the great Yoshi Obayashi is joining us. That is uhm, it's gonna be a totally different show, so we're really excited about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So, these things all have limited tickets left to them and I just figured I would just straight up tell you that. Uh, Jeans, I know you have some stuff to plug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go, uh, TomSagura.com for my tickets and ThousandRanch.com for Christina's. And uhm, yeaah, we thank you guys for listening, watching, joining us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YourMomsHousePodcast.com. Uh, I think that's it, Jeans. Anything else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is. Thank you guys. Have a wonderful week. We'll see you soon. Bye, Jeans!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like we're both really keyed up for today. Like we're both really excited.


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[Assistant] We'll get into that later, but there's more than a controversy, I would say.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's a lot, there's a lot to get into. Uhm, yeah.


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[Assistant] No, no, I mean, it was very, uh, traumatizing. Very emotional.


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[Assistant] So, it's gonna be a lot to talk about.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well she, you know, she breaks it down. I mean, uh, this is, uhm, somebody that's not new to our show.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she has a lot of things going on there. Uhm, she...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has, uh, like I said, she's not, she's not new to our show. Uh, we've, we've featured her prominently before. Uhm, you may remember her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean I watch CNN a lot and I know that's kind of, you know, so maybe it's covered on Fox or maybe it's on BBC or something, I don't know. So I don't know if it was ever covered, but I know that she did make a big thing about going on the company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking, you know, in detail about, I think, oh here we go, here we go.


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[Assistant] See how we integrate the fact that we have a child and we're into, you know, we're a family show, but also we discuss things that appeal to adults like cum strikes.


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[Assistant] But they don't have the balls. You know who does? Yea. We do.


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[Assistant] I don't know, but she's really the sex expert, right? Cause she's written books on it. She's definitely experienced a lot of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be honest, the idea of approaching the subject is terrifying.


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[Assistant] And if those fantasies do exist, I think the mind does a good job of shelving them pretty deep. In other words, like it's not something that's on the forefront all the time, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, just cause, you know, you're a woman, she's a woman, her father maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that her approach to it though was like, I want to start masturbating and then go through the Rolodex. Like who turns me on? Who turns me on? Yeah. That's how she, it's just, it's different. It's a brave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, do you, but in all seriousness, do you believe this? Do you believe that perhaps she is very sexually evolved?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like we're poking at her, we're having a good laugh, but truthfully...


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[Assistant] Sharzad, that's her name. Thanks dude. It's all love, girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sometimes, things are just fun to learn. Like, this is what I showed you last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uh, Kevin Weeks. He was part of the Winter Hill Gang. He ran with James Whitey Bolger. Your hero. So I was watching this documentary on bodyguards, and so they have different


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the hockey player, that's right. The, uh, great great hockey player. Uh, he did so much for hockey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forget what team. The Maple Leafs. He really paved the way for so many great hockey players. Uhm, but then they had this guy, Kevin Weeks, who I've seen in other documentaries, and so he was like muscle for Whitey Bulger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then he's telling these stories about all these different murders they committed. And then he tells this part where he's like, and then, you know, his usual routine was he would kill someone and then just go take a nap. And he's like, and then he was just cool for weeks. Like you could see that he was like, like killing people really relaxed him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also love that I play it for you before bed. Because you have this thing where you're like, stop showing me these things before I go to sleep.


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[Assistant] It's just so crazy. Here's the thing. Inappropriate behavior, inappropriate things said is a huge mind-blowing laugh escape for me. So like somebody say- like the lady saying kiss my pussy in the bank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's so, it's so, like, to hear somebody talk about it this way is so far removed from how you should talk about it. So that's why it makes me laugh. Like if it was somebody saying it in the way that you, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If this guy was scared, talking about how scared he would, it wouldn't register as uhm, as funny. The way that he's talking, like he's talking about it like, like he's talking about, I don't know, like wildlife or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you though my, really the thing is, I'm completely convinced that everybody, all of us who consume any type of either books,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the crime show, what I like is I like the stories involved in a crime show. I like that somebody does something, and then I like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The path of the people hunting that person down, getting the- like I like that whole story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, but I want, I want, if it's a good crime story, you want him to almost get away with it, otherwise it's boring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you want them, you want him to, I mean look at all the great crime movies or stories, it's that, you know, he misleads the investigators, he leaves a clue, they think they have him, he gets away, I mean that's what makes those stories exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just curious. It's a fun thing for you. In my past, I don't do anymore, but when I used to kill people, it was just very relaxing too. Yes. It's very nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, I mean the idea that somebody can take a nap after that is insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The w- the last thing they'd be able to do is take a nap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean I think, I wanna say that, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The original count against Bolger and his crew was like 19.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, it was a, it's a long journey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time to put the headphones on. But don't worry, this is not like, I want to tell people because they hear that and they're like, oh god. You know, some people are like, are you just going to just tell me you took, no. What happened was, I got sick. It's a story. It's a story, so don't, this is not just about a fart or something, you know, this is a real story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did something you're definitely gonna make fun of me for, but I thought I did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's always jokes about buying sushi from wherever. I bought sushi from Whole Foods. Whole Farts. I was there picking up some things. I was a single dad. You left town. So I did a single dad run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nanny was here watching the boy. I run to the store and I go, I gotta get things for breakfast and lunch tomorrow. So I get, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The usual stuff is milk and is some fruit, some eggs, this and that. And when I'm there, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had worked out, I had worked out like an hour before, so I'm hungry. Right. But, uh, I'm thinking about cooking and it's like that split second decision. Yeah, I go, I'm tired. I just want to have something quick. What can I get that's going to satiate me, but also, you know, kinda healthy? Cause I'm walking through, Whole Foods has that, the little sushi. There's a chef there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, you know, and yeah, it is later in the day. So yeah, stuff's probably been made for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like six pieces. What color was it? No, that looked fine. That was totally fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then I go, I'm gonna need something else. And then there's seared albacore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, and that's on rice. I'm like, ah, you know, I'll have like a couple bites with rice, a couple. That's how we do sushi, you don't want to eat too much rice. So anyways, I grab that. I run home, I put away the groceries, I start, I open these three things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take a couple bites of Toonie. Then I open that Seared Albacore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the first one I take a bite with rice, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go back and I have another piece of like salmon or whatever and then tuna. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, I, I remember I noticed it like that rice ball's too big, so I take a, I take it, the seared albacore off of it. I'm like, I don't want to have too much rice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as I take a bite of it I'm like, it just tastes fishy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a no-no. Yeah, if you don't eat sushi, like, it sounds silly, but like, if it smells like typical, like when you go, it smells like a fish market, like fish, it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like your dog's mouth. That's not what you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have like half a bite and I'm like, I'm just not feeling it man. You know, but I'm not putting together, you know, everything yet. I'm just like, I'm just not digging this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But so, but this is also pretty peculiar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One and a half pieces. Cause I just go like, I'm not digging it. It doesn't smell right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 30, 40 minutes later, I shoot a water hose out of my ass. See? But I go, that's, you know. That's normal for you. No, I just go like, I don't think of it as, oh this is serious. I just think like, that didn't settle right. Cause I don't feel sick, I just feel like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, you know, that was bad. Something was bad, but I don't feel like it's the next level bad. In other words, sometimes you eat something, it doesn't agree with you, it's out and it passes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I don't remember how I picked it. But I do remember this. Nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was bad. It was a seven. Yeah. Okay, so- I ended up having the full fucking Bristol stool chart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, over the next few days, but yeah, it was, it was just, yeah, it was fucking water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they have this, basically, you've heard, I'm sure, people talk about the coffee that has like grass-fed butter and MCT oil and basically it's uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's richer, but you get like good fats and it's almost like a meal replacement also, you know? Anyways, I have just that for breakfast, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yea, but the seven is fucking, I don't know man, like 12 hours earlier and I feel fine. I don't feel, yea, I don't feel sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I have that and it, it satiates you. So I'm like, I'm not, I'm not eating other foods and I don't feel like I need food right away, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm with the boy, I feel fine, he has breakfast, um, a few hours later, I don't know, oh, we, you know, I take him to the park, he has some snacks, uh, he has lunch, then I have an avocado, um, like as a kind of midday snack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, uhm, couple hours after that, Nanny comes over, right? So now it's like two in the afternoon. So I've been with him, uh, eight hours already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's getting, like I said, it's around two and I'm like, now I'm getting hungry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also don't want to, you know, I have like things that I eat, things I don't eat, right? So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I, I, I eat that just to, it has like some calories, some fat, and then I go workout. But I make note.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I never do this, but when I go to the trainer, I go, I got to tell you, like I feel white. And I also am very tired. I've been up since six and it's two and I haven't stopped. So like I said, it's, it is eight hours that I've been going. And I'm like, I'm just really tired. I'm really tired. So the trainers like, you know, why don't we, I've never asked for that. Why don't we like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew something was up and I go, and I, and I hesitated to say something. Cause I don't want to be like, you take it easy on me today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just go, I think I should, and she was 100% was like, oh, we'll just, uh, we'll do lower intensity. But you know, so, you know, even through the workout, like it was all right. I didn't feel great, but I didn't feel sick. I just didn't feel great. And I thought I was just really tired, which I also was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm tired and I haven't, you know, I've been with my kid for eight hours. I'm exhausted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right here, I've been actually drinking it. I'm the actual one who's been drinking. So, I get home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the night before I had also, when I was at Whole Farts, I bought a steak and I seasoned it and I was like, I'll eat it after I work out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I get the grill ready. At this point I'm actually hungry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you know, you gotta wait for your coals to turn, so it's like kinda waiting more to eat, which is like annoying me. I finally throw that thing on, uh, like around, I don't know, probably 445.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm eating by whatever, let's say five o'clock I'm eating. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I eat about half of it and then I go, okay, I don't want the other half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. So then the other thing is then I started to have indigestion. But I'm like, I don't feel like, you know, what is it? Why do I have indigestion?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then I get to the point where, so now it's like around seven or something where I'm like, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, cause I'm pretty much not just like sugar free, but starch and carb free. Like I don't eat bread or pasta or anything, but I'm getting that feeling where like I have to put some starch in me. Where I'm gonna feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I'm saying I don't know I'm there yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it doesn't feel like that at the time. It just feels, it goes and it's fine. So, now I'm like, I gotta eat something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Nanny looks at me and she goes, you look really tired. And I go, thank you. I love when she does that. I go, I am. I go, I don't want to go do the show right now, but I have to, you know, cause I still, I'm not like sick sick. I just don't feel up to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go to the store, it's really fun, shows are, show there is really fun, great, great night out, great. But as soon as I'm done, I gotta go home, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still have indigestion. I have another toast. I still don't feel good after I eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I go to bed, I have all this weird stomach feeling going to bed. Not pain, it's just like anxious, weird feeling in my stomach, you know? I can't explain it, it just doesn't, it feels uneasy. Like it doesn't, it just don't feel relaxed. I don't know what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wake up a few times throughout the night. No problems. I don't go to the bathroom. I just, I just don't feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like within 30 minutes, the floodgates are open. I'm just going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm with him alone. I'm with the boy alone. And I'm like trying to take care of him, feed him, play with him and keep him entertained. And I'm going like two, three, four, five times. That's when I realized like, Oh, I got like something in me now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I finally, I text her cause you're gone. And I go, is there any way you can come sooner? Cause I don't feel like I can keep doing both. She gets back to me after a while and she's like, yeah, I'll get there as soon as I can. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just go, go, I don't know, probably total of eight or nine times in an hour and a half or something. I'm so wiped after that, that when she gets to the house, I sleep, and this is like mid to late morning, I sleep four straight hours, right? Just completely passed out. And then of course I wake up like, I feel dead. I don't have any energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have some toast after a little while, water, and then after a while after that, you know, you start to kind of feel like, okay, I'm getting better now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, not to eat crazy or anything, but like you start eating, you know, a cracker, a little bite of banana or something. And then the scale changes. I started to have like, like a five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, the next day, I'm like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have low energy, but I guess I'm better now. I eat something normal, and I'm like back to like six.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like it takes another 24 hours to feel, like today I feel like I'm 85% normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I had eaten, if I had four, if I was like, who cares, and just eating the six.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I understand. I know that's your issue. Some backlash, some feedback, I should say, over last week's personality debate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey mommies, I'm listening to the podcast. You guys are talking about personalities, how friendly or curt people are at airports. Toronto is known as the screw face capital of the world. We're not openly aggressive to you, but we never make small talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During, uh, Karibana, a huge west Indian festival, we get a lot of people from New York coming across the border. I've talked to a few of them. They all mentioned the same thing. Toronto is as friendly as a brick to your face. I had no idea about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hey mommies. I'm a little behind on the podcast. Uhm, blah blah blah. I'm certainly something about my butthole. P.S. I'm team Christina. Finally. For the better personality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hey mommies, another one here. Love you jeans. Mommy Tina is the water and personality champ for sure. Mommy Tom show boats, but he's stronger, but she's stronger in both categories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Hitlers, my wife and I were able to class main mommy Tina in fartnicks last night, May 4th. I have never seen Kami buns live or met him in person, but I still feel I am more than qualified to put an end to the personality champ water champ debate. First off, when Gene was on stage,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If she wasn't saying something hilarious, she had a bottle of water to her lips and she had throat opened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was genuine in her thanks for us coming to the show. This email should put to rest all the arguing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over who the water champ and the personality champ is, I don't want to hear anything more on these subjects as I have put them to bed. That's Jeremy Zimzer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm experiencing a few more than one, just so you know. It's a bit of a thing now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, someone who I've always enjoyed being around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are, you know, I mean, yeah, we're getting emails from whoever, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But on the podcast, she is a lighter shade brown. I feel like Christina could stay on camera, but maybe mute her and have his personality doubled on the mic. Like Charo, Fran Drescher, Phyllis Diller, or William Hickey. Just a suggestion. I feel like that would take your podcast to the next level. Thanks, Jean. Jeff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now this one- I don't even like you anymore. I don't know if you're ready for this. Oh no. Maybe brace yourself. Just get comfortable.


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[Assistant] No, it's just like, it's just people weighing in. People! People call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that far. There's just a little cool thing on top there in the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember that when that show blew up, John and Kate I'm talking about. Yes, not road rules, definitely. As somebody with little interest in women's fashion, every time I saw her I'd be like, the fuck is up with that lady's hair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the hair was inexcusable, terrible.


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[Assistant] Knock it off. Somebody said this is overwhelming evidence that you're not the main mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and guess what? There's only one person in this group not wearing jeans. Look at this. Denim. Denim. Denim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Jonathan's supposed to see photo evidence. Tina can't be made. She's the only one not wearing jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This morning? Yeah. Yeah. It was big progress from the hobo shower. The infamous hobo shower, uh, took place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I spread the cheeks, cleaned that, burped, loose nut rockets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I feel like I may be farted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the ultimate goal of you playing with my b-hole. Because I got you to kind of run your finger along it a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I need that butthole washer that we have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, right? Yeaah. I should sign up for it. I should sign up for it. Maybe, maybe make an appointment for me, will you? As the president?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't piss, I didn't fart and I didn't burp. That's big progress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's different though, because air is getting pushed into there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exactly what I'm saying. This is so strange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, as a kid, there's gotta be nothing worse than confiding in a parent and they're like, I'll go call this other person and tell them all about it. I remember so many conversations where I'd be like, can you fucking not tell anybody this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was really annoyed by that, because I have a lot of empathy for this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, but I still don't know how that happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The air has to find its way into what, your bladder? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then don't forget that in the last place, we also had one charger for a phone on one side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One day we had a breakthrough moment where we said, you know what? We could plug an extension cord and then there could be a plug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For you on the other side, you were like, wow, that's a really big moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's no outlet there, but we could put a power source there through an extension cord. It was a big, big breakthrough. It took us months and months to put this together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, that was a thing where we're like, oh yea, just because that thing's not there doesn't mean you can't figure out a way to make it work. This time...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am constantly asking you what time it is. You see me leaning over to see the clock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bone claw. And guess what? I got it. I can now tell the time on my side. What the fuck is wrong with us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we're coming up on, I mean, in this home, what, it's, uh, five, six, seven months or so. And then in the last place, another, uh, close to a year going on two years where I don't get to see the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At night. When you wanna know, is it midnight, is it three, is it six?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wear a watch, but during the day, at night, you know, I like to take it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't have the figure it out mentality. We have deal with it. You deal with what you got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I knew a time I was going to bed. I was like, oh, alright, going to bed now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, there's nobody more arrogant than someone that's mastered Excel. They talk about it like, oh, you don't know how to make toast? You just fucking put the bread and you press the button. Dude, Excel is so hard. And they, I already showed you once, the guy you highlight and it's control L seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time, I mean, when did they start teaching us, uhm, do you remember that? When they started teaching us, uh, excel things?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, did you see this, that uh, Steven Seagal has been banned? Of course. People have been sending this to me non-stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Steven Seagal as a national security threat, making him the latest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When a person has committed socially dangerous actions that contradict the interests of maintaining Ukraine's security, the move comes after the actor received citizenship in Russia, which has backed separatists in a simmering conflict in Eastern Ukraine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] President Putin handed Segal a Russian passport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And told him he hoped their personal relationship will remain and continue during a meeting in the Kremlin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last year. So there you have it. Mr. Steven Seagal is no longer welcome in the Ukraine. That's a pretty big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then that makes sense. Yea, but it's also because I think it's a big part, the big part of it is that in certain parts of the world, he still feels like it's 1992. Yes baby, yea, I know. Eastern Europe, they still like old shit. They're still like, oh fuck man, you kick a lot of people's asses. You still get excited by him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I wanna see this woman speaking of karate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and usually, you know the funny thing is, her screams don't align with the point of impact. Yeah, you're supposed to go. Usually it's like as you punch, as you move. She's like screaming right before she moves. It's very peculiar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just showed, I saw a video of a, like a traditionally trained MMA guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Against some kung fu master, uuuh, you don't want to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm saying, but the guy obviously got involved because he's like, this makes sense. Let's see how these two schools of fight, you know, do against each other. It was... Bananas. Yeah, I mean, the guy just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but again, I feel like, you know, it makes sense why he's excited. He was obviously behind, like he's like, this is make, in other words, he probably caught something earlier. It wasn't as big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He won whatever competition he's in. So, you know, I celebrate his dad boner reaction with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because it could fall off. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. It's also because dad doesn't want to lose it, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the boat, it makes the most sense, but it's cooler when you carry it off the boat. Certainly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aesthetic, right? Isn't it? So see how he puts them on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, you know, that's just who he is, right? And also, here's the weird thing when you want to talk about this. This whole thing has really worked for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think, I don't know if this is true or not, but I heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please tell me this is true. He has a car collection, uhm, where they're all like the same color.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd think that like, one yellow would kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should tell him. It's up to us. I want you to start reaching out to Guy and tell him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah yeaah yeaah, so you sent me this, uh, audio file. This is, uhm, well why don't you set it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And at first, like, sounds normal, but then as you start listening, you're like, oh yeaah. Like, she's just kind of like running.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So her feeling is, let me just get through this thing as fast as possible. Cause she's not a slow, what she is doing is she's reading it really fast. She's not stopping where sentences end or where commas are. She's just like, and so she's running through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think some of them, it's their time to shine. In other words, their performers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they say, exits are located in, above the wings, the rear, in the front of the aircraft. Take a moment now to look around and locate the nearest exit. And they, they, they read it like they're, they're reading copy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next to me, going, haha, you hear that? Yea, I know, it's a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when, whenever you're a comedian and you have moments of self doubt, you're like, am I funny? Am I, is it worth what I'm doing? Go on one of those Southwest flights, watch people laugh at those stupid fucking instructions that the flight attendant does, and then you walk away like, I'm one of the funniest fucking people in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that'll give you all the confidence you need to have somebody do a fucking seatbelt joke about make sure if you don't know I can come over and I'll click it on for you. Just pull like this. Don't click it over your head, click it over your waist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you hear people like that on the plane, you're like, you know what? Yeaah. I'm a fucking genius. Yeaah, I'm funnier than this. I'm Richard Pryor compared to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to interrupt real quick. A call just came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't know what it says, but I feel like it's worth exploring. I think you're lying. No, I'm serious. I don't know what this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did have some doubt though. That's gotta feel good. Cause she felt a little bit of doubt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She heard about it, and when I saw it at the store, she goes, oh, uh, I heard about the, the personality championship. She goes, your hands down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he, uhm, of course. But I had this conversation with people. I mean, we've talked about it, but I talked to other people at the time about how...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I met with this great writer last week and he was telling me how he wrote, I don't want to divulge all these things, but basically he wrote an amazing episode of television that is really highly, you know, celebrated and it's really smart and really funny and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His dad was like, I don't even know what you're doing. And his dad's a, his dad's a successful, smart guy, but in a totally different field. But then his dad told him about the Borat scene where he brings the poop down the stairs. He goes, now that's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, you don't think that this like Emmy nominated thing I wrote? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I can shape something, and I'm not talking about a blonde joke, I'm saying within my wheelhouse I know what kind of thing would make him laugh, but every once in a while I'll lob out a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I genuinely think this is funny. Let me see if you do think it's funny, kind of thought. Never. No, silence. Total silence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like, I'll be like, do you, he goes, what? I go, nevermind. I'll like, I'll read him, I'll say, I said this about this. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, because. He's like, oh. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, I was talking to your mother and he was just, I'm like, wow, like it bombs so hard. Still, it just doesn't, it's not, it's never gonna be the thing. It's never gonna be it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gene, I got a big thing this weekend. I'm going back to Oregon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got a bad bite this weekend. I'm going back to Oregon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oregon, Oregon. Oregon, Oregon. That's a good one. Uhm, and I'm doing two shows in Blue Gene, otherwise known as Eugene. Go Ducks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Oregon, and then, Portland. I'm back there. Uh, I believe the early shows, I know the early show in Portland is sold out at Revolution Hall. There's still tickets left to the late show, which I think is at 10.30 Revolution Hall, Saturday night. Uh, Eugene, Oregon, I'm there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friday night, and there are still tickets left to the Late Show. I'm there with Ryan Sicklecell Sickler, so if you want to come see us...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're going to both be there, uhm, all four shows. Additionally, I'm coming to Tucson, Arizona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Richmond, Virginia Beach, Virginia, Jeansboro, North Carolina, Assville, North Carolina, and Charlescombe, South Carolina. That was suggested a lot online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and then I also have, oh, I'm coming to Montreal, Canada. Oh. I'm coming to Montreal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right before I go to Wilmington, Delaware, and I also go to Hampton Beach, and finally Balls and Whores, Maryland, Baltimore, the city that reads. Uh, then off to Mum Australia, and of course a live podcast with my blue jean on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] August 23rd. In addition to that, we have added two more live podcasts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Irvine, on separate months. Spermvine. Spermvine. Separate months. Here's why, uh, it's tough to make it go all the time, so we just added them a few months apart. We're doing one July 9th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's on sale now and another one, we're doing it, uh, I'll click on this here, October, October 8th, which is obviously a long way away, but we've, we've added them already. So July 9th and October 8th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's 7pm shows at the Irvine Improv. We're gonna do a live podcast. I'm hiring sound engineers to come record it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, that was a, well, we learned our lesson. We're doing it. So, those will be, they'll sound a lot different than the last time, but also they'll be a lot of fun to come to the live show. Uhm, Gene? Blue Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this has been in my, the thing here for a while. It says a weird MMA interview. I'm not sure what's going on. I don't know the details, but we can watch whatever this is. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt Major. Okay, Matt looks maybe like he should be 51-50'd or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a dark tunnel, man. That's kinda scary. Yeaah, that's right. That's a good analysis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If this guy was reported of committing a horrific crime, it would not be that surprising, right? Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See how much funnier though Kevin Weeks is talking about taking a nap? Yeaah. It's different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause this is not, see he's not aware of his world. You gotta stay grounded for it to be funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, so Matt Major, Bellator Fighter, uh, reputation of one of the strangest men. See, can't tell if it's a performance or if he's genuinely this strange. I wanna see if since the time this has happened, if uhm, anything with this guy, I mean I don't know anything about him. Matt, let's see. Major MMA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's, by the way, that next door thing, someone got me onto that. It's super fucking just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Racially motivated. People are just like, there's a black guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then there was that really funny one that you shared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause they'll be like, there was a guy sitting in his car and uh, not doing anything, but he was black. Just a heads up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll phrase it, you know, they'll try to make it sound like they're not being scared, but they'll be like, uh, African American males were just driving and then not even doing anything, they're just driving. Just, I don't know if anybody's seen them, but they're in a white car and they're just driving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the story though? Did they drove? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, it is. Uh, do you wanna hear...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think we already did Chinese Eyes, British accent, that song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got any comment on those farts? I think we played that one. You Nasty by DJ. Huh, I don't know. There's a bunch of songs, but I don't know which one's been played. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, thank you guys for listening. Don't forget to go to yourmomshousepodcast.com, uh, thousandranch.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really good, it's on the, uh, YouTube, it's on the YouTube's page. Alright. Thanks guys, see you next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Sammobile 150 can adapt to a wide array of applications. Whether it be a sporting event or even a large radiation spill, the Sammobile 150 will fit in your vehicle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey. Oi, mandem. Oi. Bare fucking chokes, blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bluh, fam. Fam, bleh, deh. Deh, choose a bear, mandum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't use that pipe up lad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This has a really nice sound too. This one is made by drying out the bamboo, poking holes through all the dividing sections that normally you close that up in. Poking holes through all those, putting the beans in, and then the beans go from one section to the next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can keep it going indefinitely if you use the turning motion that I explained earlier and levering back and forth. No shit! Okay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's really, and that's rare, just like a double pipe classic.


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[Assistant] I think by 8.40, I'm in my jammer. No, by 8 o'clock I'm in my pajamas.


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[Assistant] And then, nine o'clock it's lights out. Schnitzel! Excuse me.


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[Assistant] Whatcha doing, Schnitzie? Come here, fatty. Come here. Let's see how fat you are. Come here, baby. Bitzie, come here, Bitzle.


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[Assistant] It's because maybe, so we were looking through pictures this morning, and back in October, Bitsy was like in the background of one of the pictures with LJ, and she was significantly thinner.


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[Assistant] And what's happening is, she's eating all of LJ's food.


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[Assistant] I don't know but see here's the problem is that I'm lazy and I like that we don't have to clean up the floor. Nah babe.


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[Assistant] I think she's, cause she's a little more savvy about food consumption. She sits right under his high chair, like right there. And then Feev is kind of off to the side a little. He chills.


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[Assistant] Do you think it is, and this is so stupid and this is such like a person who doesn't know about technology saying something, so don't get mad at me. I'm not mad at you. Do you think it's plugging in and plugging out a lot?


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[Assistant] I feel as though you and I have a good thing going 365. So if it's one day that I just don't like being told what to do. I don't like being told that we have to love each other.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like what kind of guy, are you dating only like, what is it, Tinder hookups?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm not repulsed by it either. It's not, it's a non-issue, really.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well, I guess her point is, you know, you want me to taste it. That's a big deal that I taste. Why don't you taste your cum?


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[Assistant] Yes. Well there are some guys who like to taste their own.


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[Assistant] You're probably, uhm, the least phasable of all the dudes I've ever, which is probably why we're married, cause nothing phases you. Like I could probably just take a shit on and around, in and around your mouth.


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[Assistant] It's Trish now. We haven't, we haven't mentioned that on, we mentioned that on the live show, but not


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[Assistant] Right, so one of the revelations we had at the live show is that Bobby and Karen is now, it's different.


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[Assistant] He's probably got a few families in different cities.


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[Assistant] Well, why we started with Karen is that I was drinking wine, and you were like, oh I like that wine breath, like that's a real trashy girl. That's a Karen breath.


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[Assistant] But it changed mine too because Trish is a little more confident.


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[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Like Trish goes after the guy she wants. She wants Bobby.


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[Assistant] She ain't gonna get him, she ain't gonna land him. But Bobby might text her every now and then. Maybe. He'll be like, I'm up, you down to fuck? Right. But, but Karen doesn't even get that. No. Karen's gotta go find him in the bar and then...


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[Assistant] Oh wow. This is like all those Instagram things where it's like, women, you gotta love yourself first. It's a lot of those.


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[Assistant] Speaking of uhm, Come, the Fifty Shades of Grey movie.


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[Assistant] Terrible movie. Terrible. Well, I'll tell you a little secret because I read the book. To me, the book is a pile of shit too. Really? Yeaah. It was like...


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[Assistant] You know, SNM Lite, I did an episode about, about the whole thing on That's Deep Row, the first movie in the book, okay, so if you want to listen to it, it's in the back catalog somewhere, but I, it's not even SNM, it's like, it's, and it's childish, like there's sexuality, the girl's a virgin in the book,


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[Assistant] And that's her first, and then the movie too, and it's her first time having sex with him, and she has like five orgasms, like shit like that. We were like, okay, the first time you had sex, she had five orgasms, yea right. And like, it's not even, I don't know, it just seems, it's very childish, the whole fantasy of being rescued by this guy. My cousin loves it. Like, loves it.


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[Assistant] Some women, this is really, this is in their wheelhouse. It's the strong man who does everything for you, takes care of you. Maybe that's, that's part of it, I don't know.


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[Assistant] But it's the same song, they just redid it, got me looking so crazy right now, and then, makes no sense, and then the rating for Rotten Tomatoes, it got a 9.


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[Assistant] Well in the book, it's really just sex scene, sex scene, sex scene, he's chasing after her, sex, sex, sex, you know.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Right, like they're so-so-socially somewhat functional, right? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] I think there's a few comics of Asperger's that we've known over the years. Oh, for sure.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you something? Speaking of Asperger's, I would not be surprised if Garth is on the spectrum.


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[Assistant] You think so? Yes. Why? This is what, this is what I haven't been able to put my finger on that's wrong, that's off about him.


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[Assistant] If you watch how he talks and how he is, he is not emotionally connected to anything he says. It's, it's all affect. I'm telling you. Yeah. I remember when he was, we watched a video of him with the birthday cake. I don't know if we're going to be seeing that. That's this.


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[Assistant] Right, well we'll watch, just watch his, there's not a genuine emotional connectedness to him. Even when he was being interviewed by, was it Barbara Walters? And he was like, it's just like sex. It was very, it seemed rehearsed. Like this is what people say. This is a shocking thing that people say. I wouldn't be surprised. He seems real phony baloney.


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[Assistant] I do, I just, there's something about this guy that doesn't, it doesn't run me the right way. I just think that we're going to find out in a few years some dark shit.


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[Assistant] Uh, the lights, the crew lights would be on in our bedroom. We'd all sleep in the same room in bunk beds. Yeah.


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[Assistant] The lights would be on so all the bugs would be attracted to the lights. So when the crew would leave at night and they turn lights out, there would be a layer of bugs on the ceiling, like a layer of huge moths, and I would always get the top bunk because I like top bunk.


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[Assistant] And the bugs would just fall on me all night and I would put the sheet over my head and just


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[Assistant] That's, there was some island I did a gig on, some military base here in California, and they, they were overcome with, uh, was it raccoons? Yea. Yea, raccoons. Just, ugh, so many, dude.


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[Assistant] Look at this motherfucker drinking. Drinking this guy's bottle, dude.


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[Assistant] I hate this because I don't like Xevia. I don't like it.


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[Assistant] It doesn't taste good. I like La Croix. Now, we also had a revelation about La Croix. What? It makes our stomachs hurt.


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[Assistant] You like Suzie and the Banshees, you like the Kaleidoscope album, you listen to that one. Big Tones on Tail fan. You love Tones on Tail. Yea. Yea, Bauhaus. I've been thinking of Eyeshadow Dolls with my Hans. Finger my ass.


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[Assistant] There was no time. If we will out there and do all that, like we have to reset immediately. And then by the time the nine o'clock show let out, it was already super late and we had to get back to baby jeans and our nanny and stuff. So just so you guys know, we're not douche bags. We just couldn't do it for time.


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[Assistant] Also, that's Zebro. I now am on YouTube. I record myself talking to nobody. And I put that on YouTube. And, uh, there you go. I'm going to interview a non-binary person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so that's exciting. Check it out. Thank you. That's EbroPodcast.com.


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[Assistant] Uhm, dates. Okay, February 17th and 18th, I'm uhm, February 17th at Hollywood. I'm headlining the Hollywood Improv and then the 18th I'm headlining Flappers. So come see me locally in LA.


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[Assistant] April 13th through 15th, I'm at the Brea Improv. April 29th, sorry, April 28th through 29th, I've just added Sacramento at the Sacramento Punchline. May 4th through 5th, Phoenix, Fartnix, Arizona. Stand up live.


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[Assistant] May 19th and 20th, Jew Dork Titties, Gotham Comedy Club, June 1st through 3rd, Denver? What's Denver? Oh. Mamba?


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[Assistant] Yeah, Dendrobox open at ComedyWorks downtown. And then June 16th through 17th, Manfriend Disco at the Punchline Comedy Club. Uh, so come see me there guys. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


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[Assistant] Yeah, so we were sitting around at Korean BBQ last week, planning the show, and we thought, wouldn't it be fun to get some pop play masks?


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[Assistant] What about the smell? It smells really powerful.


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[Assistant] That is just terrifying. See, that's like a rapist or a serial killer. Like it's traditionally scary.


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[Assistant] But if you were to zip it up, cause we couldn't zip it over your head, cause it would trap your hair, like doesn't it get caught to your, your hair gets caught and then you have to vaseline up, I think.


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[Assistant] They really get tickled by stuff most of us don't. Like, I think what it is is like, your life gets so mundane as we've discovered being parents that you just get excited about little stuff because you don't experience the world as much. At least I don't. Like, shit man, I watch a Ryan Gosling movie.