[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised no one's ever tried to take one home. I bet they have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Including Aubrey Mills Mall and there was a, uh, a restaurant there. I can't think of the name of it, but they had Piranha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's the rainforest cafe, but there was another one, I can't think of the name of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could be wrong, but I feel like it was another restaurant. It doesn't really matter, but the rumor was that these piranha got out during the flood and they were swimming around there in the mall while it was underwater and while people were trying to get things sorted out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure it's probably not true, but it's a fun thing to talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, good for them. But not the tap water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not without a filter. Alright, I feel like we need to cover Nebraska very thoroughly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a fun little airport. Is it? I mean, I've been there twice recently and, uh, it's small, but you know, it's just a nice easy flight down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, some of them are so far away. You tweeted about that someplace. You were like, am I even in the same town? Yeah, that's crazy. Uhm, I'm in, I'm sorry, were you? I think that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We shall see, I'm at, uh, in Fairfield, Connecticut at Fairfield Comedy Circle. Doing two shows there, so please come to that. If you're in the area, please come, cause who knows when I'll be back. Uhm, I don't mean, that just means I don't know who will have me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's about halfway between Tacoma and Portland, two places I've just been, but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never get too much of a good thing, I think. You know, people are like, this is a recipe that works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, keep doing that. We're like coffee. You drink coffee every day. You don't wake up and go, you know what? I'll have tea today. You want coffee. Also probably bad for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying it doesn't rot your brain, but that's what you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And everyone laughs and then you do a poem and then they're like, well, that was funny. He really committed to that bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you do poetry the whole time. And people are very confused. But they're also like, you know, he's pretty good at this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like slam poetry is where you're like kinda rapping, but it, uh, sometimes, sometimes it's very good, but other times it's like when it's like real amateur, it's like not very good, but you still have to pretend like it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's a poet that's a real alcoholic. And they said he used to go and he would, such a bad alcoholic, he would pawn his typewriter for, for, for money for booze. And then he would have to turn his poems into his publisher handwritten. Yeah. He was like way back, like a, I don't know, the fifties, maybe even the twenties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, I was into his poems and I would, yeah, I would drink and read these poems and, uh, you know, comedies are a lot for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You know, give me some direction. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charles Mikowski is great though, but it's like, yeah, it's a, it's a darkness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would do some short stories, but he is considered a poet and I always liked it because it was like, you know, it was easier to read and understand. What's writing prose?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you though, when you had the Bukowski pulled up, did you get a time period when he was?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, alright, so born in the 20s. Right in the 50s. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got it. These times are all, they're all add up. Yeah, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems like he had a horrible life, right? But if you, when you read the poem, so it almost glorifies this like lifestyle, that's probably not even fun for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we had though, everybody had those Nora Canfield photos at one time here in Nashville. I don't know if you had one, but I know we both had one. And they were photoshopped. And I did use one of those on Tinder for a little while when I first met Nashville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I wasn't like trying to be like, this is not Photoshop, but I also wasn't like, this is Photoshop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that, like that, but it was the black and white photo that I would use though, but yeah, I would use this picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was the black and white one that I would use if you scroll up a little bit. Yeah. Oh yeah. So that one is the one I would use. Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's a sweet looking pic, I think. I mean, that's maybe the best I've ever looked. And, uh, I mean, of course it's Photoshop, but I'm saying that's the closest I've come to being deceitful with a photo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I can't, I still can't see what's, I can't either what's photoshopped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, oh, okay. Yeah, it was like, okay, I see what's that. The circles, a bad job with the circle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her sleeve, the girl, the little girl. I don't know why the circle is so big. It should be down below.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was watching some stuff on her. I mean, it seems like she's, they're really being weird about where she's at. Like apparently her uncle is on some celebrity dating show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like not doing well, she has the best doctors or whatever and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, she's not been seen for a while. There was another photo that they said she was spotted in a car, but people were pointing out that she has like a mole and the girl in the car they're saying is, it was her, does not have the mole. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, there's some stuff. The whole royal family seems to be having a lot of issues right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, come on. You know what I mean? Like if they were, he maybe don't want to be prince, but if he, they were like, all right, you're next in line to be king. He'd be like, you know what? I'm going to go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, that's wild. I mean, you're like the biggest comic in the country. And so for you to go with a guy and then that guy, everybody knows him, but they don't know you. That's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so wild, but I, I just like, I, and maybe I'm wrong, but I don't see like Jimmy Fallon like necessarily selling out the arenas you're selling out. If he were to go and do stand up, but yet he is more recognizable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's. You almost want to be like, Hey, you know, he's on my show this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I didn't, I was off this weekend. I did go out to McMinnville and have some cages built around my trees though. So that's, I had 44 trees and 44 cages built to keep the deer off of them. Yeah. So we can get some fruit, you know, and, uh, that was great. I had a lot of fun, but I'm, I'm, I was off, but you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, jeans, dress pants, I mean something, you know, not sweatpants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead. Well, I got some Viori pants though, and they, and I have been wearing those and they are very nice, but you know what? They don't look like, it's all about the look, right? It's like sweatpants, uh, pajama pants. It looks sloppy. Viori, uh, it does look clean and sleek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those pants are really like, I got a pair and I was like thinking, well, you know, I got, I got, you know, I got stuff like this, not a big deal, but I started wearing them and I'm like all my gym shorts, all my other pants. I never wear them now. It's like, it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Strip malls, just crap strip malls built beside them. And you're like, what beautiful nature landscape out here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The party kid was a big one. Believe me, if I bring that tree back to life, I'll bring it in here. Somebody will care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, I don't know what's hard to listen to about it, but we understand how they like same time works. We're just saying, we're not into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's why we have the breakdown of the, you know, time zone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you could just, you know, you could move out of those areas and go, I want to be at a, you know, because maybe there are people that like more darkness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? It could be like, I like the idea that you have different geographic areas where people go and live because they like certain things there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do have some soaker houses and I thought about the timers, but I'm, I'm just worried. I don't know that I trust the timer and I'm not out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the time, you know, and what I mean is I don't, I don't have trust issues with timers, but I'm saying what if it breaks or what if it doesn't shut off and then water's just running all the time and then I don't, I'm not there for two weeks. Sure. Well, your wife. Oh, well, what's the point of her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More than I got. And I say something that makes people laugh. I'll, I'll hit different groups at that party. You go on tour with it at the dinner party. That's what my thing is for that party. And once I've hit everyone, I leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if maybe Home Depot just has a good return policy, but he still would be dying though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I will say I am, I've killed about a third of my lawn in the backyard with leaves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to do a video. It's going to be wild. Uh, no dig. Uh, I don't really to be, I mean, I hear people say that, but I don't really know what they mean by that. I think they mean like no plow. Don't plow it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think if you're in a neighborhood, I was wrong when I was doing it, but I think if you're in a neighborhood, you should put the nice side to the outside. So other people, so it looks better for the neighborhood. I was wrong when I was doing it. So you can enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You just land hard and then deny that it happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still believe the tie is a bit too long. I don't think it should go down past the belt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not too short though, I think there's a fine line that you gotta hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can they not go past the clouds and, and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leave the atmosphere, and if so, could things not get lighter or heavier?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I'm, if meteors can come in from out of the atmosphere and land here, then we're adding matter. So does that not mean that it would weigh more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, nothing comes out with it. Nothing could escape during that time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, everybody just kind of makes these statements. Well, it can't happen because of this and this and this, but we are essential. Well, we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leaving sometimes, right? We do believe that sometimes we take a satellite out so you don't catch anything and take it out with you. I believe you can. If, if something can leave here,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You thrust through it now. So, you know, you, you're leaving it. You gotta be leaving some kind of opening for something to escape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if the, the water goes into the clouds, is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is, that's what I'm saying. I mean, you know, when things are happening in the sky like this, I just think it's silly to, uh, just think that it's nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. That's all I'm saying. The water might get out. It might.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if we went through all these cities that he names and see how many of them we've all been to? I mean, cause we've traveled so many places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've all been everywhere. Now there's a couple I don't even know where they're at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But maybe Salvador is its own place. Are we talking about Panama or Panama City Beach?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Texarkana. I feel like I've been there, but I don't know. Monterey. Faraday. Santa Fe for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Talaupus is Alabama, yeah, and there's a river, uh, that I used to swim in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Called the Taupusa River. Okay. My dad told us not to do it, but we did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you, you can get, when you get real drunk and mad, you can do a walk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've gotten mad at a party and left and walked quite a distance. Not six hours, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, who knows? I mean, yeah, but yeah, I mean, that can, that can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Waylon Jennings, they were singing that song somewhere and he walked off. He got, nah, that ain't for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just like that Waylon Jennings was singing a song like We Are the World and he was on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, people get Neil Young and Smokey Robinson. Yeah, I always get them mixed up. I was thinking, I was thinking,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever see the movie Dickie Roberts? Yea. What David's Made? At the end of that movie, uh, they do a thing. We, we love being child stars and they ha- it was so great. They had all these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Former child stars singing a song and it was like, it was so good. Like, cause it was like, we, we love being child stars, but like leave us alone now about it. And it had Marsha Brady. I mean, it was so good. Shia LaBeouf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dickie Roberts was such an underrated movie. It's a really good movie. It's really good. I watched it not too long ago. It's really good. I'll check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Godfather one and two is really good and three is as bad as everybody says it is. I tried, cause somebody had told me they were like, I think you'd be into it. They talk about a little bit like government kind of stuff. And I watched and I was like, this is such a terrible movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was practicing his monologue at the beginning for an acting class one time.


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[Assistant] Sure. I think that's a bet you take though. If the mob approaches and you're like, you know what, we probably not gonna win anyway. Let's go ahead and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alabama's like crushing and then all of a sudden they lose. It's like, what happened here? How'd you, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that about Alabama Michigan. Once every 10 years. I think about that Alabama Michigan game. I don't think they threw it, but it is like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How'd you beat Georgia like that? And then you lost to Michigan. I don't get it. I don't think, I love Michigan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying there's a conspiracy against it, but it's like, how, how do you play so well?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will sell ya. I have Helix mattress and I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10 years. I got a joke about it and it's on the internet. It's really great. I had a mattress for like 10 years and it was owned by my sister for probably 10 years before that. It was a pathetic mattress and I made it a point in my life now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To make sure that I'm sleeping on a good mattress. Because it does matter. It does. And I would love to tell you about Helix Sleep. I love my Helix Sleep mattress and pillows. The pillows are the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is great is you get to take a helix sleep quiz and get matched with a perfect mattress for you. I've had my mattress at least a year now and it gets better every night. Not only is it the best mattress I have slept on, but the setup


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was fast and easy and it is fast and easy. It comes in a little package. It's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Helix mattresses are delivered in a box straight to your door for free. Helix is so confident and how great their mattresses are that they also include a 100 day sleep trial and a 10 to 15 year warranty. It's completely risk free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't believe me? Well, Helix Sleep has over 12,500 five-star reviews. Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to helixsleep.com slash Nate and use code helixpartner20. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now. Now. Now. You gave that one a conviction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you believe it? Well, I, you know, I believe all of these, but I, uh, I don't read things. I don't believe, but I, uh, uh, the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was undervaluing a mattress for a long time in my life. I had mattresses with coils sticking out and I ran over one with a car one time and it was all bent up. When I got rid of the mattress I got rid of, it was so like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flimsy. I took it out, I dragged it out of my apartment and I threw it in this dumpster, uh, and it was folded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How'd you run over a mattress? I was moving and well, my friend ran over it, but I was, uh, I was moving and I had it strapped on the back of a truck, but I only had one strap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we were going over a bridge and the wind picked it up and it flew into the air like a kite and it landed on this bridge. Cars were everywhere and my buddy just ran right over it. And then we picked it up, put it on the back of the truck, kept it for eight more years. It was a raggedy mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was like, I would go look at mattresses in the store and then the price would be so expensive that I was like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because mattresses are expensive, but it's like, it's something you sleep on every night. A third of your life, they say. Yeah. And it's like, it's worth it to make a little investment and you can even, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, how are you going to screen yourself? Like I'm screening myself when I pack up to go to the airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like every, every so-called improvement is always, uh, making things worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New x-ray machines for our bags at the Nashville airport. They're like brand new, but slower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, well that's their justification, right? But that's how everything is. And then all it takes is people going, well, this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is gonna be safer for us guys, and the people that think that the TSA is just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And listen, I know people just have jobs and I'm not talking about individual people here, but the organization, everybody goes, Hey, it's just looking out for our safety guys. It's just for our safety. And it's like, listen, we don't need it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's ridiculous. Even in Nashville now, they have signs going, uh, oh, just so you know, TSA stopped a guy with a gun the other day. And it's like, yeah, probably a normal dude with a gun who wasn't going to do anything with it. And it's like, what's he going to do on the plane with the gun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't think it'd be that big of a deal. I think the, you know, nobody would, you know, if somebody, the first time somebody popped up with a gun on a plane and that flight attendant took them down, everybody would be like, all right, listen, they're ready on these things. Let's not mess around here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, I remember when I was a kid, we went to an airport in Atlanta and I think me and my mom went to meet someone and we had to, for whatever reason, we had to go through security. I had a toy gun in my mom's bag. It got flagged and they took the toy gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But security was, you know, they say pretty loose, but they still took the gun. So I think there could be a way to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Metal detect the guns, but we don't have to go through all this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some scanner for our body and get padded down and TSA treat us like we're.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like we've done something wrong. They're grabbing up. Like I was at the, the TSA the other day and there was a pretty attractive woman that had to go through that thing. And then it like, it identified like around her crotch area. And I was like, so now you gotta have some lady come over and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They lock in that box, they find something, they lock in that little box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh. What if the thing is like, if you, if you, you check yourself in, but if you don't do it right, it's like taxes, but if you don't do it right, you'll go to jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what's happening in the restaurant. Don't, don't bring, don't worlds collide here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if they go, I'll have a breakfast burger. Ooh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I wouldn't, you know, I want you guys to see, I really demonstrate. Yeah, it did help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you do two plates? First time to the buffet, breakfast stuff. Second trip to the buffet, lunch stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A-ha. Applebee's House of Pancakes. A-ha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then while you're in there, the line builds up. So the guy, two or three behind you, it's five bucks for him, but he heard you get it for three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they were like, it got busy. Right, well that's what people were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This weekend, I'm in Connecticut at, uh, the Hartford Funny Bone, 15th and the 16th. And then next weekend, I got a couple of, I'm very excited. I've not been to Hartford in a long time. I went, I opened for John Heffron there in 2015 and I haven't been back since. So I'm very excited. Uh, but then I got a couple of theater shows, um, at the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in Iowa City, Iowa and in Lincoln, Nebraska next weekend. It's Lincoln on March 22nd and it's Iowa City on March 23rd. Very exciting. So I need, you know, I need those to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pump it up, you know, keep it going. Keep people watching that thing. Tell your friends. Or your enemies. Anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we did some bad games. Some real bad ones. I'm still doing them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, I think we try to build on here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told this story before, but I was selling shirts at the John Chris show way back in the day. We're in some church and this old woman comes up to me and she goes, she goes, can I get a three X? And I go, sure. And I gave it to her and she goes, thanks. This is for my husband. He's huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, Oh, that's all right. Yeah. You know, I'm, I wear a three X, not a big deal. And she goes, Oh, yeah, let me get a two X.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. Like it's like, uh, overnight, uh, like a midnight hour type thing. Yeah. I like that. Take some calls. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I used to be, I feel like they've gotten real tame now, but for a few years it really seemed like some kind of ritual was going on on the halftime shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think people have kind of caught on to it now. So now it's much more subtle type things, but I don't feel like, you know, I'm not an, like an Usher fan. I mean, I was in 2003, you know, and I'm not hating on him. That was a great year for him. Yeah. I'm happy. He's having a real resurgence, I guess. Yeah. I don't know. And it was nice to see little John, uh, but, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ludacris too, yeaah. I mean, I, I don't understand why Ludacris wasn't the whole halftime show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know that we really needed the whole usher taking his shirt off mid thing. It's like, who's that 45 years old, year, age, year younger. Who's that? I'm a year younger. The Taylor Swift fans tuning in. Who is that for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, his one song that I liked, you got it bad. You remember that song? That was a hot song. And I felt like his version and I'm sure it's hard to sing on the football in a football stadium, but that what he did last night was not a good representation of a hot song. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It always seems like it's the same people in a touristy city. It's like a video game simulation where we're like, oh, we need tourists here. And then you place them there and they're the same. First time I went to Vegas, I was like, oh, this is the same people that I used to see at Gatlinburg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it just seems like the exact same people walking around every tourist place. That's just, you just, it's like, you just click and drag them to a new setting. Airbrush t-shirts. Yeah. I mean, matching fanny packs. I never saw more seatbelt extenders on a plane than leaving Vegas. I mean, it was, I mean, as they run out, people got into it out here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a taxi driver tell me that it was better when the mafia used to run Vegas. He said it was more fun back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting, but it could be fake too. I don't believe anything. Yeah, everything could be AI now. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like we can create AI stuff that looks pretty good. So what can, what can they really do with it? Well, they could have, yeah. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They always say that the government has technology, you know, like seven years ahead of us. Like, like we get, when we get it, they've had it for seven years already. So it's already better what they have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They throw it down to, I mean, we could be eating AI food out here. Who knows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are, they have said that they're now approved to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To serve lab grown chicken and meat to us. Oh yeah. Although that's AI. Well, you know, artificial though. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had to go with the flow in LA. Yeah, it had to be cool. I had to play it cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With moves like that, you would think that you would have said basketball player instead of soccer player when blending in as in another sport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a hot run out there. I did, uh, Neil Brennan's podcast. I don't think it's out yet. Blox. Yeah. I did Adam Corolla's podcast. Nice. Fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did, uh, Fortune, Feimster, Tom Papa. There you go. It was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's some, that's some serious XM radio takeover things. Okay. That's fun. And then I won after midnight. No, I, I was only there two days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't really want to do spots. I'm like, I'm about to go to Milwaukee and do five hours of comedy. I'm good on the spots. Is that one show? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are you with? Sarah Tiana? Sarah Tiana and, uh, London. I don't remember her last name right now, but it was all very funny. London Bridge. Yeah. London Bridge is falling down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bit of a different shirt, same color. Yeah, same idea. Yeah, I mean, every day it's the same idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah. Well, it's a big problem. Most of the time I wear my own hat if I do TV things, cause it's my design. So it's approved to wear, but this was such a homemade hat that they were like, yeah, there's no copyright on this. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and then we had a British girl and they say British is like a, you know, like southern accent is like a slowed down British accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's really just, uh, did you try that out in real time talking to her? No, I don't know how to do any accents, but, uh, I did say that a couple of times to people. Yeah. That was a joke I did a couple of times. Yeah. People enjoyed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I get a joke that works at a party or something, I'll, I'll circulate it. I'll do it a couple of times. Yeah. And then everybody said, did you hear about that? Do you hear the dusty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then once I've touched everybody, I'm out of there. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Justin's peeping over his shoulder like, I wish I'da got that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like where there are lots of different universes of you in it. And then this one guy is going around and he's going to all the universes, killing the other version of himself. And then each time you do, the others get a little more powerful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is fun. Yeah. I mean, it's violent, but it is a fun movie. Yeah. Yeah. Gently is awesome. Yeah. If you watch that tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, all right, all right. But also if like, he knows, he knows this woman, like, and she knows, he knows she has this superpower, then he wouldn't be like lunging for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With you, uhm, yeaah, we weren't anywhere close to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, a few years back, so it was awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or sceny. No? No, I just, uh, I think that's funny. That's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, just, I don't know. All mailmen. Yeah, it was, uh, this was real tragic for people. People were on suicide watch for a minute when you're thinking about, and it never was an hour. I don't think we ever did an hour podcast. I think the shortest we ever got was an hour and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels like people came and threatened your life in a way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know about Mike's laughing fits. I don't, but yeaah, he's fun to get laughing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a couple of people commented to me about how many donuts you ate. Eight. Wow. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got what? In one podcast? Yeah. Was it a competition or are you just eating while you were going? No one knew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In LA, I had some donuts at a place called Sidecar, and I had a couple of old fashioned donuts, and I was like, man, I've not eaten a donut in a while, and I was like, that's a good donut. What's an old fashioned donut? Uh, the only other old fashioned I've had is at Dunkin' Donuts. Starbucks has one. Okay. And it's like, it's like a glaze. Like a cake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's like an old fa- I think it's like, before we started frying them, this was the old fashioned way. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was in LA next to a Trader Joe's. Got a few donuts in there and I was tearing it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to sit alone, look at people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm all about it. I'm all about being a little bit of a creep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this was Lynn Dawson. Okay. I saw that picture and for some reason I thought that was Joe Naiman. Same era. Look at that, dude. The good old days, huh? That's what I'm saying. What are they drinking? That's what half my special is about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The new hour. Alright, thanks Victoria. Yeaah, I mean it was just a lady. She kept like commenting a lot and then I just had to be like, I just had to like really make the lady be quiet. Hmm. And uh, and then it was fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to be mad at you, I don't want to embarrass you, I don't want...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just all of a sudden get mad and be like, oh, now he's mad at me. I just want you to just stop talking. You know? This is about me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? I mean, it's like, it is though. It's like, it's not about me. It's about the, all the other people that are in this audience that want to see me. And this lady's like, you know, all drunk, somehow got up front and I'm sure she's a very nice lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's by herself? She was with another lady that seemed pretty embarrassed. Yeah. Yeah. She was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's like, I'm sure deep down that lady that was embarrassed wanted me to roast her friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, that's not what I do. Anytime I try to roast people, people are like, Oh, that was mean. Yeah. And I'm like, Oh, okay. Well, I was trying to be fun. You remember when I was opening for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, maybe that's it. Yeaah, so I'd rather not do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the record, that show I was practicing to do a Tonight show, so I was doing my first five, which was really good, really good. And then the next 45 was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so it was like that show, each show would start so hot. Like the audience was like gearing up for the best show they had ever seen. And then after that five, it would drop off pretty hard. Yeah, the up top so tight. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's a, that's a good note. I mean, because we got a lot of carpet and we are on the floor a lot and, uh, it's, you know, it's very easy. I mean, I'm not, you know, I'm not even making an age joke. I'm not the, I mean, I'm not as old as you, but I'm not that far behind you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can say this for me, it's like, we don't have a lot of family around. I mean, my wife's family's in Canada, my family's in Alabama, and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just had a baby and then they just, they made sure we had a car seat and then they just let us go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we just get home and we're like, oh, now we have to just, we have this baby now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and we're both pretty independent people. And now all of a sudden we just have this baby. She keeps waking up in the night. We don't know what's going on. We don't know how to, we keep calling the doctor all the time going, is this normal? Is this okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, not to be just too much info on my wife, but she, you know, we, we were not bottle feeding and then like when you've never had a kid, sometimes the milk doesn't just come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, we were like, are we starving our baby to death? What's happening? But it all worked out and it was all so great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, it's the best thing that ever happened. I'm so pumped. So you do have advice. I'm so pumped. Uh, yeah. Just like, you know, I mean, you know, don't be afraid to call the doctor, but also I never thought I'd hear Dusty say that. Well, believe me, I did not want to, but it's not myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was very helpful. I mean, find a doctor that you like. We did find one that we liked and we trusted and, uh, you know, and they're out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's also like your kids, so don't be afraid to, you know, do, you know, make your own call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was in the hospital, I was like, they wanted to, I was like, I don't know. I didn't want them to just take my baby away. Like the hospital I was at, you know, they had like these little things they put around their ankle and it's an identifier. And, uh, you know, I've read stories where a nurse was like, I swapped out babies, hundreds of babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, and it's like, that's hundreds. And it's like, yeah, I mean, I don't, I don't, it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all have this idea, right, that like everybody in the hospital is just angels. And it's like, maybe they all are, right? Most of them are probably all great people, but everywhere you work, there's gotta be one person that's a little devious. And they're like, and so it's like, I didn't want them to just take my baby away. Eventually we're like so sleepy. We are like, yeah, do take her to the nursery. But, uh, I don't know if that's the advice he wants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Own that kid. And your whole life, it's your kid and it's your job to protect them. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking care of your health isn't always easy, but it should at least be simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why for the last year we've been drinking AG1 every day. Just one scoop mixed in water once a day, every day, and it makes me feel ready to take on the day. A lot of days I feel like in this. That's because each serving of AG1 delivers my daily dose of vitamins, minerals, and probiotics and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People don't talk enough about minerals. They're all about vitamins. They don't talk about minerals. It's a powerful, healthy habit that's also powerfully simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to drink AG1 first thing in the morning, which is recommended for optimal nutrient absorption. I fill up my shaker with extra cold water, add one scoop of AG1, shake it up, and I'm ready to go. If I'm running short on time, I can't mix my AG1, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I can. If I'm running short on time and can't mix my AG1 before heading out, I grab a travel pack. Each, uh, is an individual serving of AG1 that's easy to mix on the go, helping ensure I get my daily nutrients no matter what. This is a new ad mixed up here and I, I don't, I don't have this was down. It feels very organic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with AG1. Try AG1 and get a free one year supply of vitamin D3 plus K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exclusively at drinkag1.com slash Nate. That's drinkag1.com slash Nate. Check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody emailed me a thing on, on how to read ads and they said the key is to not remember what you just read, not even know what you're reading, just read the words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That doesn't seem like good advice. They say that's how, you know, like, you know, like the whole Ron Burgundy thing, right? Where he doesn't, he doesn't, he's not even thinking about what he's reading. He's just reading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's why whatever they type, he reads. So it was actually a good quality. They say that's, that's what they do. That's what the news people do. They just, they just read the word. They don't even think about what they're reading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see I like to get into it, but this is a new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should have read this one time before just reading it out loud here, but I like to, I like to try to, you know, get into it and really try to put some, some love into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Figured you were out of town, but, uh, cause you hadn't come by in a while. I haven't seen you in a minute. I'd love to see you come by. I'll give you a free burger and some tater tots with, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back when, yeah, back when everything felt safe and we weren't worried about people tracking us down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that sounded like some boy scouts or something selling popcorn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, oh, I'll support. And then I was like, how much? They were like $20 for a bag. And I was like, I still did it, but I feel like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something. I feel like you really, they really got me though. I was like, Oh no, it wasn't a 10. It was. Yeah. I was like, I feel like you guys really got me here with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't care what time of year rolls up to you. Yeah. They're selling this poison, but, um, the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is it going? It is poison, but your body can handle a little bit of it once in a while. As long as you're not eating the cookies every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have been to Vegas, uh, before. Uh, no, I just don't participate in those things while I'm there. You know, I don't gamble and stuff like that, but I, uh, yeah, I've been to, I did Jimmy Kimmel's Comedy Club in 2019, maybe early 2020 actually. I did, uh, open for Kathleen Madigan there one time. I did a corporate gig and we are working on a Las Vegas date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So keep an eye out. Dusty will be. Yeah, I will be. I like, I like, Oh, and you know what? I did, uh, uh, some country music thing there not long ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ACM, some, some thing there. It's like Gatlinburg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Gatlinburg. Same people. It is the same people. I was really blown away by it. I really expected, me and my friend Evan were there and, uh, we were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did do a casino in, uh, in Michigan, upper Michigan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, our bodies are, we're probably designed to live a lot longer than we do, but it's just like, we're just, it's just constant poison going in that we're like, our body just shuts down eventually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long do you think we could live if we did it right? At least I think everybody would at least live to 100, 120 I think. That's what I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we were like eating healthy food, just out of the ground grown food, I think meat is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not pork, but uh, red meat and uh, chicken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think we would live a lot longer, but you know, we do eat a lot of bad stuff. I mean, I eat bad stuff all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm just making a, a rough estimate, but I say a hundred to 120. And so there are people living to 116. So, you know, they may be doing it. That's women though. Is there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like just, I just think there's a lot of like, uh, processed food now that's really not good for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, probably, I probably never will, but I'd like to. I mean, it's, it's hard to do. That's why I think we're in the spot that we're in, right? Because two generations ago, like my grandfather was born in 1900 and he was a farmer. He raised lots of food, but it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So by the time my dad comes around, things have started to become easier. You can get canned foods and this and that. So it's like, it's so appealing.


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[Assistant] To eat less healthy because it's easier. And it's better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It probably tastes better. I don't know. I don't know about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a, I have a running theory. That's a new theory I've just come up with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like just now? No, no, but just this weekend. I bought this bread, uh, that's supposed to be sourdough bread, but it's like, it said on the bag, you know, made with only the best ingredients, healthy and delicious. And it was disgusting. So I feel like they brand things like that so that we think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Healthy and delicious. Healthy is gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, oh, I can't eat healthy because it's disgusting. I think they make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think that I eat some, like a sourdough bread is good. And then there's a sprouted grains bread, which I think is pretty good for you. And those are delicious, but this bread was branded healthy and delicious. And it was gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're probably some umbrella corporation and they own, uh, this brand, but then they also own a lot of unhealthy brands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Form a cynical company that would, once you eat all the bad bread forever, they'll give you a pill to keep you alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, uh, like we make, we'll make cookies sometimes, right? And, and you'll use the recipe and then you will just cut the sugar in half and the cookie is still good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still okay. It's still, but it's not as good as it could be. Right? I don't know. I enjoy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like an oatmeal cookie? Mmm, I don't know. Oatmeal raisin cookie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a coffee shop, you go to like a real hipster coffee shop, get yourself a coffee, oatmeal raisin cookie, sit down, write some jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well comedy is where it's at. That's what p- it feels like people always talk about. They're like once you succeed in comedy, they're like trying to get you to do other things. And I'm like, this is what I want to be doing. This is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This just happened to me right now. I'm gonna go say it on stage. And if people laugh, it's like, boom, it's a bet. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost like the, one of the purest art forms. I mean, it's like you're straight up putting yourself out there. If it doesn't work, you fail in front of a lot of people. It's like, it's so much art. Now there's people that do it in a very not artistic way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Where it's really can be really trashy, but there's a real art to it. Ah, it's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's like farming. And if you don't weed your garden in the sense that you have too many words in your joke, if you don't weed the garden, then those weeds will suck the nutrients out of what you're actually trying to grow and ruin your whole bit. So you gotta take a bunch of words out. You gotta get all those weeds out of there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very, very hard. And you gotta write new stuff. Even if you love the stuff that you're doing, you have to write new stuff because that's what makes you better. You don't get better not writing new stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like if you're just like, there are people that I've known in my life that can do work an hour, they'll write an hour and they can work that hour forever. And it's amazing that they can do that to perform the same joke over and over again and, and, and, and deliver it with some real passion. But I think, you know, you get, that's how you get better is writing stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lisa Gardner. I don't think he had to really do anything in the Garden of Eden, though it was, it was not until he was thrown out that he had to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we had short, you know, we didn't have that many cows, so it'd be like number 27.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a bull for a while that would chase you and we, we named him sweetie, you know, kind of like that sort of thing. And he would chase you around the pasture and it was pretty terrifying, but also fun at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like fun cause we never got hit by him, but pretty scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I grew up with divorced parents, so my mom lived in a trailer park, my dad lived on a farm, and he had cows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what we had. I had a donkey for a little while. Now we did go camping. You named the horses? We named the horses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, they call people like, like, they call things like cattle for a reason, I think, because they're just indiscriminate groups. But like, horses feel personal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he just raised cows and we would grow hay and then bale hay every year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he'll, he would do random gardens, but we were just a cow farm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What were you growing? Were you growing like smoking tobacco or like chewing tobacco?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard tobacco farming is really hard. That's what, that's what I've heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tipping's out of control when you go in and you pay for a service and then you're tipping on top of it. It's like, it's like, oh, this is how much I charge. And then, you know, if you want me to do it well next time, give me more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I had them do that too. My merch guy had a, well, it wasn't hit, but it just on the thing. I go, Oh, never, never do that. Never present that. I don't even know where that money would go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't either. I don't have some tip jar where it's coming to me. I don't know who's getting that. Yeah. Square. Yeah. Probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I would love to tell you about Helix Sleep. I love my Helix Sleep mattress and pillows. What is great is you get to take a Helix Sleep quiz and get matched with the perfect mattress for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] for free. Helix is so confident with how great their mattresses are that they also include a hundred night trial and a 10 to 15 year warranty. It's completely risk free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash nate and use code helixpartner20. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that I was in FFA because I took an agricultural class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I did not participate. Growing up, I was not into any of this stuff. I didn't like that I had to go do stuff on my dad's farm. I, I wanted to get out of that as fast as I could. I'm only getting back to it now because, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got into the city life and now I want to get back to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're probably, they're probably real inactive. It's like when I was in school we had to sign up for it and I became a member, but I was like, I didn't do anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the Travis Tritt, uh, it's a cover, uh, a song called Where Corn Don't Grow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That song really resonates with me. Do you guys get a chance? I think it's a Waylon Jennings song, but Travis Trent has a good version called Where Corn Don't Grow. That song resonates with me pretty hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this song is like about a relationship with father and son with a, with a, the father is a, you know, a farmer and then the son wants, he's like, he's like dreaming about a different life. And so, you know, eventually he gets out and then he wants to come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where I'm at. I don't want to go to my dad's farm necessarily, but I would like to start my own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ryegrass, I think, or bahaya, I think is the type of grass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like with the round bale, what we would always have, we'd have a big metal ring in the field. So you go out, you have to pick the round bale up with the tractor. You lift it up and then you go out there and then you have like on a spike. Yeah. And then you have to lift that ring or a spike or just kind of a two, like a forklift kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you go out and you have to lift that ring. A lot of times it'd be real cold because that's where you're doing this is in the winter time because in the summer they can eat grass. So it's real cold and you're lifting up this muddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then you, you drop the bale and then immediately the cows go for it. And then you have to drop the ring. You hit a lot of the cows in the face with the ring and trying to get it back down. And that's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] South Florida, South Texas. Oh, okay. That would be the place to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing down here? That's like Tampa and Key West has all these chickens running around, just loose chickens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they have, he had this, it's, I wish I had, I should have sent you the video, but it was a giant circle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that rotates and a cow just walks up on it and it rotates a little further and new cow walks up on it. And then a machine comes up and hooks to the udders and milks them while they make the complete turn. And if the cow that has sensors on it, if the cow finishes before it makes its way around, it pops off. Wow.


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[Assistant] And then, and then it gets back around, the cow walks off, goes back down.


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[Assistant] You could do a round like this though. Imagine comedy like that. Somebody just walks on. It takes about five minutes to go around. You just keep doing comedy. Everybody, the audience members walk on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Catch a little comedy, get off, go back to the bar. He's just out there doing comedy for hours.


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[Assistant] But it is funny how all this stuff goes away. You just. Another thing about kids, I always had, I never changed a diaper. I don't think my whole life. I had nieces, nephews. I never did that. I had it in my mind that I don't think.


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[Assistant] That's a good thing. You shouldn't have been changing. Probably, but I mean I was around enough family where I'm sure they would have liked it if I'd helped once in a while. I don't know.


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[Assistant] I'm just saying, I, I, I was against it. I, I was, in my mind, I was not even gonna be, I know this sounds ridiculous, but in my mind, I was not even gonna be changing my own kids' diapers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the moment I had my daughter, I was like, I don't want my daughter sitting around and pee and poop. Like if it's in there, I want to get it off of her. I want her to be in a nice clean environment as much as possible. I mean, that's a, that's a real father right there.


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[Assistant] Well, you know what I mean? No, it's like, it's my job to protect my kids. Right. You can't count on anybody else to do it. Not even your wife. Nobody. Well, hopefully you can count on your wife, but nobody cares. You know, nobody cares about your kids like you do. I not even, I don't know. I just, uh, you just gotta do it. I also wanted to say about John Hoskins.


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[Assistant] He's saying I'm going to be eating them once you put them out in the end of the year instead of the beginning. Cause he has to go see John Hopkins.


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[Assistant] Also, I'll say my dad loves kids. I was excited about the farming topic, but I think of all the topics we've said we're going to do and then didn't really do anything on. This was the most, this is the most, maybe the Bible where, okay, where we were like, we're going to talk about farming and then really everything. But we were like, there was a ton more stuff.


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[Assistant] That's why when I talk about having a cab and people always think I'm trying to go off the grid and I'm like, oh no, it's so hard.


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[Assistant] I would love to, but I can't get a lot of family. Saying I would love to is one of them. Yeah. I can't get my family involved with it. I keep trying to get my family to, you know, like help me build the farm. Right. And they're all like trying to go to, you know, McDonald's and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My family, my children will have to do whatever I tell them. That's why people back in the day had a lot of kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You ever milk a cow? Never have. I haven't either. My dad used to do it, but I never did it. Mm-hmm. You do it? I'm guessing you guys have not ever done it.


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[Assistant] I was struggling and the girl, this is our first date and she goes, she just looks straight ahead and she goes, find it till you grind it.


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[Assistant] Like remote control. Like you can work with remote control.


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[Assistant] Henry Cho says he got his kids stick shift so they couldn't be on their phone while they're driving.


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[Assistant] I did a mission trip in Australia and they drive on the other side of the road, the steering wheel is on the other side and I drove a church van there where the stick was on.


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[Assistant] How old were you at the time? I mean, I, I was adult.


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[Assistant] Now I remember when video cameras became a thing. I was already grown, but I have a joke about this. Like we would just literally go around filming ourself. No.


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[Assistant] I saw where a news article, kids are now, parents are naming their kids based on how it would be a good TikTok handle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyway, this woman, she's a professional baby-namer, which that's amazing that that's a job, but she says that she's helping parents now and they want her to, how would this handle, you know, sound?


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[Assistant] That's what I was about to say. There's a Seinfeld episode where George helps parents, at least parents in, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Mickey Mantle's number, right? And he comes up in their argument and says, I'm watching curb last night and I can't tell at this point if he's almost purposely just making these references to Seinfeld.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But every episode, I'm like, this has been a Seinfeld last night. There's one where Larry David, there's a parents that try to name their baby. And one of them's last name's Mantle. He's like, Oh, Mantle, Mickey Mantle, you know, same thing. And then they get an argument about what to name the kid. And like, it's so similar to Seinfeld.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they told me, leaning in, they said, you may not get in the green room. He may just want the green room to himself. And I was like, okay. So I was prepared for it. And then he would just, uh, he would get there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe 20, 25 minutes and one night, uhm, I'm about done and they hand me a note. He's not here yet, so keep going. And I remember like panicking inside.


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[Assistant] You've been doing comedy for 40 years. If I ever make it that far, I won't even, you know, look at you or something like that.


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[Assistant] I was in, uh, I was at the comedy catch in Chattanooga.


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[Assistant] And this was one of my favorite movie. Do you guys even know the breakfast club? Could you name the actors?


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[Assistant] Uh, so thank you for that. And then I was in Hudsonville, Michigan. Uhm, a lot of folks came to my show.


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[Assistant] Uh, Danielle at the Comedy Catch said she will race you in swimming.


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[Assistant] And uhm, if you win, she'll uhm, she'll build a green room at the club.


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[Assistant] I think this is what the picture wanted. Yeah. Well, the Preds like I have an eight game winning streak. I think it's because of you get them going.


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[Assistant] When the 2017 one happened, were you telling everybody? They don't know. They said, they don't know this ain't going to happen.


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[Assistant] Ernest goes to camp, you know, like that. Ernest P. Laurel. Yeah. Jim Barney.


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[Assistant] The commercials, he'd basically come to the guy's window, right? Yes. Yeah. Hey, Vern.


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[Assistant] I got ba-ba-ba-ba-ba and they were fine.


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[Assistant] Ever heard of that? Yeaah. We got a jingle commercial, right? I think so. Cards for kids. Cards for kids.


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[Assistant] Why some are against it is because it gets, the sun comes up later. So like here in.


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[Assistant] Tennessee and central time, if you kept it like that year round in the winter time, sun wouldn't be coming up till nearly 8 a.m. So kids would be going to school in the dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Well you have kids. So the, wait. In the dark? It would be dark til 8am.


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[Assistant] Right, right now in the winter time, on standard time, it does, it's nearly seven in December when the sun comes up. And if, if we stayed on daylight savings time, it'd be nearly eight, which I guess on the east coast would be nearly nine a.m. if we stuck with it.


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[Assistant] Well, I don't know about that, but I'm saying if we, if we, cause that was your whole argument. If we stick with, um, daylight savings time.


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[Assistant] Well, and the last good may never go down.


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[Assistant] There you go. Could you look at sunrise in December?


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[Assistant] I feel like now with phones, everyone now just, there's not an issue with time change for someone not knowing about it.


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[Assistant] We'd always go to church on Sunday morning. There would always be somebody, sometimes it was us, that either forgot and they'd get there an hour late or get there an hour early.


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[Assistant] My biggest fear is that I'll just oversleep and everybody's already doing something and I'll just wake up and I'll be locked in the bus or something.


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[Assistant] Well, uh, I want to talk a little bit, according to Noah, uh, spring is here.


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[Assistant] Technically, I think spring starts March 2021st, starts a day early this year because of leap year, starts March 19th.


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[Assistant] But according to meteorologists, March 1st is like the start of spring. Oh no.


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[Assistant] These all sound made up. Le Mec's a good name. Le Mec? Mmhm. Methuselah lived 969 years. Did he really?


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[Assistant] Uh, anyway, spring's here. It's the best time to do some planting. So I thought we'd talk about some plants and some trees. Planting.


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[Assistant] Have you, uh, I probably said that wrong. Have you ever planted anything or ever had to take care of a plant?


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[Assistant] There it is. Well, don't run it. Don't damage it. Uh, there it is. But I want to say that's not any correlation with my marriage.


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[Assistant] Hold it. I'm still trying to get this thing going. Did you really forget to put water? No, I did water it. It just never would. I haven't watered it for a while, but it just stopped growing. Just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy suggested that we plant a trillion trees and it could help global warming because trees give off, I guess they take in the bad CO2 and then they put out oxygen. But now he's saying, stop doing it. It's not working.


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[Assistant] Isn't that true? Didn't some, even animals grow in there?


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[Assistant] That might be a fun thing though, if you could do it one day and then you're on the road for a week, come home and see how it's progressed.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, a lot of that would just be woods and forests, but yeah, all the open land, you gotta cut it.


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[Assistant] You gotta do a nooner out there with headlights on. There's animals out there, cattle, horses. Maybe you need butcher bucks. You could use butcher bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you keep up with the weather more when you grow stuff like rain and stuff?


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[Assistant] Yeah. I looked up if all the plants went away, died off, how long we would live. Longer than I thought, actually. They said 13 years.


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[Assistant] There's two reasons we would visually die off. One, plants give off oxygen, photosynthesis.


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[Assistant] All that stuff, which I don't really understand, but. Using the goodness of the sun. We need it to survive. But what would kill us before that is all of the animals that eat plants would die off.


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[Assistant] But I mean there's places that have drought now, but I guess that water is going somewhere else.


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[Assistant] I'm in Vincennes, Indiana this weekend. In Columbia, Tennessee. Then, uh, Tacoma Comedy Club in Helium in Portland. Alright. And just added April 6th, Miamisburg, Ohio. That's right outside Dayton at the Plaza Theater. I think there's a lot of folks in Ohio.


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[Assistant] They didn't laugh and I was like, guys, I'm joking. Yeah. Everybody else laughed, but, but they were like, I think you might be serious about this. Like, what do you mean? Like you tell it. I would just say last time I was here, I was with Nate Bargatze, you know, opening for him and we drove up to Mount Rainier and I saw a dead horse. And basically I just recited your joke. Yeah. And then I said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that you stole it from me and now you're stealing out of rainers.


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[Assistant] Well they laughed, the last crowd was like, I think he might be serious.


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[Assistant] I don't think I told her the Friday late show because there weren't a lot of Nate Land fans there. Yeah. But the shows where it didn't look like it.


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[Assistant] But I think the host would usually ask, yeaah, stuff like that. But the shows were great, 3 out of 4 sold out.


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[Assistant] That's really crazy. That's awesome. Thank you. Thank you. And just so happened, coincidentally, Aaron was in town for corporate.


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[Assistant] So he came in a day early and did guess that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they were great shows. And uhm, so Saturday, uh, we got, Aaron and I got invited.


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[Assistant] To go to a uh, a clothing store to be fitted for clothes.


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[Assistant] Aaron and I were both out of our element, I would say.


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[Assistant] To co-marriage. She's straight.


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[Assistant] And then she said go put, I mean she hooked us up and then she said go put your clothes in the car and then we'll go get some ice cream.


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[Assistant] And so Erin and I went and put our clothes in the trunk of the car and then we walked over and got ice cream.


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[Assistant] And then Aaron and I walked back to our car, and it's not there. Aaron's rental car is gone. He got towed.


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[Assistant] Normally I probably, well I don't know, from Seattle to Tacoma, that's a pretty long Uber. So I probably would have rented a car anyway. Yea, you don't like renting cars?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, but then uhm, so Christy wanted us, wanted me to wear my new digs to the show that night, and I texted her and said, hey, I'm sorry to tell you this, but Erin's car got towed, our clothes are in there, we'll get them, but I'm not gonna be able to wear, she was coming to the show with about 30 friends, and she said, I'll bring you a new outfit,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she wasn't going to take no for an answer, so I'm pulling in and there she is waiting for me on the sidewalk with a whole new outfit. So that's another good thing. Erin's car, you know, got me another outfit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I went and changed into it and, and when I got there, she said, I talked to management. They said that they'll clear out the green room for you and let you go in there. I was like, I don't think there's a door on, on that green room. She should be your manager. She should. She's getting it done. And she is getting it done. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a really small green room. I didn't think there was even a door on it, but there is one that slides and I had two female openers. I wasn't going to ask everybody to do all that, but, but, uh, but they did. They stepped out and pulled the door and while I changed. Well, you look sharp, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Confidence wise? No, I got used to it, but it was so different that at first I wasn't feeling comfortable on stage. Like my shirt's untucked, I like a tucked in shirt. You've always had more of a classic style. Yeah, classic, that's a good one. Yeah, like she said, she's got me wearing stuff. Why did you not tuck in the shirt? Because she said it doesn't tuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I had a great set so that I got more and more comfortable on stage. So then I told Aaron, I said, I don't know, in Portland, now I'm going to a whole new place. I don't know if I'm going to wear one of these new outfits or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I don't know. And then she texted me yesterday, don't let me down. I'm like, she is not going to let up. So I did last night in Portland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A new outfit. And he said it was a hot show. It was a hot show, so.


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[Assistant] The late show, so I was selling merch after every show and I had my little, uh,


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[Assistant] But I thought it's gone. I get back to my room that night. My phone's almost dead. I got a plug in my phone. My charger won't go into my, it won't stay in my port. Cause it's too loose? And I'm like, it's just falling out. It won't connect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, what? I'm looking at my phone. Did someone switch my phone? It literally felt like that. It would not stay in. I'm like, what is going on?


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[Assistant] And he can cause it from connecting. He said take a toothpick.


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[Assistant] I don't have a toothpick in the hotel room. You don't have one in your shirt pocket? With my pocket knife? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] And I looked, as far as I could tell, it looked clean, but it will not go in. So I looked up the Apple Store at Tacoma Mall. It opens Sunday at 11. So I just turn my phone off and go to bed. And then I get up that morning and I've got like 4% battery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I write down the directions to the mall, like step by step, cause I'm like if my phone dies, I don't even know how to get there.


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[Assistant] I probably lived the first 30 years of my life without a cell phone, but now if you don't have your phone going out in the pub, you feel like.


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[Assistant] So I made it to Koa Mall and go to the Apple store and the guy looks at it and he's like, he shines his light and he's like, I think I see something. And he's like, let me take it in the back. And I'm like, okay. That's like somebody taking your child away.


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[Assistant] Can't see it. And he comes out, he's like, yeah, there's some pocket lint down in there. It's plugged right in.


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[Assistant] Really? We cleaned it out. Which is so crazy, it just goes from plugging in fine and all of a sudden just like it falls out, like it won't even connect.


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[Assistant] Maybe, maybe. That's the first time Apple's never charged me for anything. Oh yea? He's like, you're good to go.


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[Assistant] But Portland was great. Uh, so many folks came out. They brought me gifts. They brought you guys all Oregon State hats. Oh nice. And they're downstairs. This is the alternate hat for the Eugene.


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[Assistant] Exploding whales. Well yeaah. I forgot what their real name is.


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[Assistant] We did it dude. Let's never do it again. Walked around downtown Portland last night for the first time.


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[Assistant] Well, Tacoma Comic Club probably thinks I'm the most pretentious comic in America. This guy's showing up with a stylist? I was backstage one time, the staff came back there, the guy I never even talked to, he said, hey, your stylist is out here, wants to know how these clothes work. I'm looking at my phone, I don't even look up, I'm thinking, boy, somebody's got it, he's talking to me.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's a good time. Dusty, why don't you tell us about ButcherBox?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, uh, who was it? Was it Queen that did Live Aid and they did it in London and then flew to New York or Philadelphia and did two different continents in the same day?


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[Assistant] I mean, I think we all had really fun weekends, but I think we all agree our favorite, sounds like an ad read, it's not.


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[Assistant] Uh, my senior trip in high school or college. Either one.


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[Assistant] Maybe he was the sheriff. Called him Marshy.


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[Assistant] 2024. I wear all white Kohan sneakers and a little blanket hand.


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[Assistant] You know what he could use? Robin Hood.


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[Assistant] 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, who give 10, 10, 10, 15, 15, 15, 15, dude, we got 20, 20, 20, 21.


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[Assistant] I'm not sure what's going on with all those cattle at once, but my dad would do personal


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[Assistant] And I'd have to get up on Saturday morning and go to somebody's house and clean out all their junk and put it out on these ply boards to auction off.


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[Assistant] Yeah, estate sale. They want to sell their parents' personal belongings. You know, so it's just a lot of bucks of odds and ends here. You know, you just don't know how to categorize it. You can't do every little thing at once.


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[Assistant] I mean, when he would sell land or houses, I think they had a general idea of what they at least had agreed about what we hoped to get.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it just comes out. I just had wood practice. I'm just around the house. Yeah. I mean kind of like your dad doing magic. Yeah. Just kind of gotta keep fresh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In age, he does. Uh, Sarah Jessica Parker. Okay. Oh, that's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Aretha Franklin. Yeah, I was about to say Aretha. I was going to do the ones who were alive first, but yeah, Aretha Franklin. Uh, it kind of starts going down a little bit after that, but uh, Tom Glavin. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's going back up. Yeah. Well, you're right. Laura, Laura found that one. Oh yeah. Laura found, uh, Tom Glavin and I don't even know this. She's an Olympic runner, Sha'Carri Richardson. I think she was recent. She knew. Yeah. She's basically the one with the fingernails. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Apollo 13, astronaut James Lovell.


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[Assistant] No, she's like a women's activist. Attorney. Attorney, yeaah. I thought she was a singer. I guess. Right? I think she represents women in some cases. Yeaah, yeaah, I think so.


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[Assistant] Number one song on March 25th, 1979. Uh, you'll never get this.


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[Assistant] The number one song of the day he was born? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] What's wrong? Tragedy? Yeah. It's not even a good one.


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[Assistant] Yep. Wow. Number one movie was Norma Rae starring Sally Field.


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[Assistant] There you go. It's at a different world. A different world. So 45. Yep. Gotta get that colonoscopy now. I thought it was later. Nope, they moved it to 45. When? Couple years ago. Today. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it? Oh yeaah. Uh, I mean, everyone says, I guess it's true, the night before, the day before is the worst. Yeaah. But why is the day before the worst? You have to drink a bunch of stuff to clean you out. I've done that. I've had one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the day I did it was that, it was back in January when that crazy snow week and there was, my appointment was in the morning.


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[Assistant] And there was another threat of snow that afternoon and while I'm there.


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[Assistant] So there was threat of more snow. The doctor's office decided we're closing up at lunchtime and to near by home. So they, I assume, had to call anyone who had an appointment that afternoon to say don't come. So that means all those people had already went through the procedure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this year, I think it went back a little bit because uhm, cause I agree with you, but this year Oppenheimer, so it was more actors that you kind of know a little bit.


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[Assistant] Uh, 1980 something when she- 1979. When she said it at the, well that was, that he was born then.


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[Assistant] I think she said that line when she won her other Oscar. Okay. But I think it was today.


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[Assistant] I thought the food pyramid was around even when I was a kid. This said it started in 1992 when I was already in college.


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[Assistant] But the food pyramid, you remember the food pyramid? Yep. The school, and the bottom was, uh. That's why the whole country's open. Greens. Greens now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At that time, they thought the science said grains was the most important thing.


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[Assistant] Well, I think that's not even up to date now. Now I think that they do my plate.


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[Assistant] Well, I think there, if you Google my plate, I think you would show you a, an image of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, maybe in this perfect time, this is an easy segue to talk about factor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want to look at the, uh, 30, 30 healthiest foods to eat every day? Oh yeaah. See how many of these we eat? How many? 30's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, and when I'm on the road, if I'm on the road driving somewhere, I'll hit a McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most unhealthy, fattening meal right before we went and tried on clothes and we both felt so bloated. But I think that's the move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, yeah, that one. I get it. So I looked up how much water you should drink a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This said, take, take your weight, split it in half and then whatever that is in pounds, turn it to ounces and that's how many ounces you should drink a day.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeah, it's like, it's a lot.


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[Assistant] We probably all grew up with parents that did not eat healthy. We ate a lot of fast food and you learn your eating habits generally from your parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I totally agree. I didn't, I'm not saying to blame, but I have friends who eat really healthy and I'm like, where do you get the discipline? And they grew up that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's been good, uh, alright, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it's Holy Week. Yep, uh, April 6th, I am in Minesburg, Ohio at the Plaza Theater. Uhm, so I hope for a lot of folks to come out there. April, uhm,


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[Assistant] 20th, I'm in, uh, Moberly, Missouri at 4th Street Theater. I do theaters now. I've graduated from clubs. I'm a theater comic. Um, April 20th.


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[Assistant] I went to Connecticut for the first time. I've never been to Connecticut. I'm at, uh, Fairfield Connecticut at, uh, Fairfield Circle. Uhm, when did you stay at the Fairfield Inn?


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[Assistant] Maybe so. That would be sweet. Maybe so. So I'm excited to go there. Maybe your buddy DustyTMike1000 will come out.


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[Assistant] Yeah. He's telling you. Yeah. We are buddies. Yeah. Well, that's awesome, man. Congrats.


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[Assistant] That is true, but we want to, we want to work. We need the attention.


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[Assistant] It feels like it's one syllable. Trudy.


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[Assistant] But we could have seen him in our life. We would have seen him 60 years ago.


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[Assistant] I mean, the very first comment on here is basically kind of what we're talking about.


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[Assistant] With it behind you. And I thought, how did Joe, I didn't realize that's where that was.


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[Assistant] In the Jerry Seinfeld Comedian.


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[Assistant] Where were you at? I was in Little Rock, Arkansas, uh, at the studio theater, Saturday night, great show, a lot of folks came out, somebody brought me, I meant to bring it to you, I forgot, a ziplock bag of leaves to give you. Oh yeah. So that's what people are bringing now. Come on now. Leaves.


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[Assistant] What's in your backyard in hermeneutics? What is, what is that you want it to be? Wildfire? Fire?


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[Assistant] Oh, okay. I thought you said you don't speak French. I was like, yeah. Okay.


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[Assistant] Well, he had a lot more that I cut out. I mean, he was saying basically that's a Santa Claus question. Like, how have you been this year? How was your little brother? Oh, okay.


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[Assistant] You remember when I was thinking about awkward encounters with celebrities? I've had many.


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[Assistant] So you can only imagine how this goes. A guy who asked for an autograph of another high school student, there was a Titan, his name was Richard Matthews and he.


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[Assistant] Uh, came to the Titans, he lived in my building and I met him when he was moving in and they were showing him around. It was in my mail room. I got a little too excited.


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[Assistant] And I was asking him a lot of questions. He's being very friendly at first. And then I kept going a little too deep. So I was like, uh, cool, cool, cool. You know, and I was telling him, I said, well, what unit do you live in?


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[Assistant] And he got real quiet real quick and I could realize, I realized like he didn't want to tell me. So then I try to help him out and I'm like, uh.


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[Assistant] You don't know yet? He's like, nah, I don't know yet. Which is ridiculous. You just gave him an out. Yeah. Answer. But, uh.


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[Assistant] To me, it's like, if you lived in HOA and you're in the HOA office and somebody new moves in, you might ask, what house is yours? So to me, it was the same thing, but.


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[Assistant] And I, so I was- He goes, I was just looking through it. I was always around. So then one day I'm downstairs.


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[Assistant] And it's early in the morning, it just happened. PK Subban walks out. No, PK Subban.


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[Assistant] And he comes out and I like PK and I'm like, Hey, could I get a selfie with you?


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[Assistant] And he was very nice. And why, I don't know why I said this because he was coming out of Richard's floor. I said, were you visiting Richard?


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[Assistant] I don't know why I said that. And he didn't even answer. He just ignored the question, but it was the dumbest thing for me to say.


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[Assistant] One of my biggest pet peeves is when people go up to famous people or comics and say, you don't remember when we met? You don't know me? I hate that. When Kevin Nealon was on this podcast before we started, I kind of did that to him.


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[Assistant] He sat down, now Kevin and I have worked together twice. I thought he would remember me. He did not. And then I thought, oh, he's going to feel, he's going to remember it eventually. So I'll just go ahead and tell him. So I was like, oh, we worked together. And then he's like, well, oh, we did. And he's like, well, how, how are we? And I said, through your wife, which is such a weird thing to say.


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[Assistant] Well, anyway, it just, I kept digging myself in a deeper hole. So there you go. So don't feel bad about Brad Paisley.


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[Assistant] Brian Dorfman, I saw him chastise a comic in the greenies, Zany's green room for doing that, wasn't me. But, uh, Kirk Herbstreet came in the green room.


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[Assistant] And the guy was kind of like, you don't, you don't remember it? Like where we met? Kirk's like, Oh, I'm sorry. I don't.


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[Assistant] And then when Kirk Herbstreet left, Dorfman said don't ever do that. I mean, this guy sees a million people.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think I've seen getting hands in people's yards that we've lost our connection there.


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[Assistant] Well, I did, I got it wrong. I got Coco mixed up with another.


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[Assistant] Bill Burr has a special where he talks about this and I think it's called Justice for Coco or something like that.


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[Assistant] I noticed from listening to your podcast and just your special, you, you go to Michael's a lot.


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[Assistant] Chachal, I do know my grandmother lived there for a couple years when she was little. Wow. You believe that? That's crazy.


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[Assistant] Uh, a school bus of kids got kidnapped and held hostage and the hostage takers buried them alive in a rock quarry.


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[Assistant] For ransom money and they were asking for ransom money and then the kids.


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[Assistant] You know, I signed up for this when I first quit my job. I signed up for trusted house sitters to go to different cities. I don't think I ever actually did it, but.


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[Assistant] I did that too a few times. Basel signed up for this. You helped me take a picture. I didn't have a dog.


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[Assistant] I don't like snakes. I mean, I guess that's a popular one.


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[Assistant] Somebody recommended a documentary, a couple people did, that you should watch. I think it was called Mr. Octopus or something.


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[Assistant] It's Thanksgiving week. Sure is. We're all going to be with family, different places. I thought it was a good time to talk about bathrooms.


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[Assistant] It's a, it's an important topic and uh, bathrooms are called different things in, in different parts of the world.


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[Assistant] And that's to bring attention that much of the world still doesn't have access to that.


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[Assistant] I am shocked to hear it's that many people. I think they've made great strides over the last few decades in getting people access to.


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[Assistant] Probably, they're probably very unsanitary. A lot of these non-safe toilets and disease probably spreads.


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[Assistant] Um, but bathrooms are more than just toilets. They're showers. They're sinks. Yeah. So keep going. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Uh, they're called different things in different countries. Australia, anybody know what they're called in Australia?


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[Assistant] Well, the average person spends between six and eight times a day in the bathroom.


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[Assistant] I'm about to sit down, so I might as well do it before I sit down.


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[Assistant] Uh, the first flushing toilet was invented by a poet.


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[Assistant] I was getting to him next, but he's the guy who really refined the toilet, but he wasn't the inventor.


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[Assistant] Is like, yeaah, he ran a plumbing company in England and he made it a lot better. And there's a legend that World War II soldiers from America.


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[Assistant] Saw the signs everywhere and say, I'm going to go use the crapper. And that's how that came about. But I don't know if that's true or not.


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[Assistant] Who was a poet, and he was the godson of Queen Elizabeth I.


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[Assistant] And he wrote some risque poems, so they banished him from the court. And during his exile, this is in the 1500s.


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[Assistant] He built a house and devised and installed the first flushing toilet. He called it the Ajax.


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[Assistant] And then eventually Queen Elizabeth forgave him and visited his house and he showed her his new invention and she tried it out and she liked it so much she ordered one for herself. And when you say you're going to the John it's because of John Harrington.


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[Assistant] Now I feel like one of our early podcasts, we were talking about what's the greatest invention and was it you that said the toilet or was it Nate and you said air conditioning?


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[Assistant] It's brutal. Yeah. Didn't you say your dad had an outhouse?


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[Assistant] I could remember outhouse at my church when I was a kid. Wow.


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[Assistant] You know, I read a list of bathroom, public bathroom etiquette and most of them was just don't talk to anybody no matter what. Not at the sink, whatever, just get out before you talk.


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[Assistant] Yeah, even if you know him, just don't talk to him while you're in there.


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[Assistant] Now which, which stall and which urinal do you think would be the cleanest?