[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now it's just four, we're working on three. Okay, so for four, you put it in the closed captioning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you want to watch that episode and actually see the English subtitles, you just turn the closed captioning on and we will be doing that moving forward. Which way are we doing it moving forward?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that. Great. Great, great, great. Well a lot of people asked me about it and they said they love, uh, watching and listening to Spanish and reading it themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. That's not Polly at all, that's so different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do. I really appreciate it. I actually feel, it makes me feel good that you have those types of dreams. Two dicks. Right. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. I appreciate that very much. You're laying on your back. You got me in your mouth. You got me in, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, you have to be really, really, really backed up to have a wet dream as an adult. Is that right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, your tank has to be just- Really crazy as a grown up. Has to be like, I'm not going to release this ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I had an adult wet dream once, like in, like in my twenties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But most of the time you just have so much, you know, you're dumping your clip all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I got something cool AF to show you. Are you ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has uhm, what some might describe as manic energy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm shooting, I'm making five videos a day, I love miss eating pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, some guns are about to go off. So, he's just protecting his ears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so true. He was like a pussy from the side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God rest his soul in heaven, um, fed smoker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he keeps getting tributes and one of the things that also keeps happening is that people are rediscovering some of his not as well known material. Uh, today we have him at a native American gathering. Um, there's a dance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And song going on, and as a historical fan, and a fan of different cultures, uhm, Kama was there to pay, he was very respectful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they kicked him out. Yeah. Saying the dog pissed on the floor and he needs to leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's what got him kicked out? I'm sure they were like, hey, how do we get him out? And then they're like, just say the dog pissed on the floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your dog just peed. We need you to leave. Your dog peed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, hotel and casino, very excited about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I will also be, uh, April 18th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Valley Center, Harrah's Resort in Southern California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I then go to do Spanish shows in Dallas, Houston, Austin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And San Antonio. Oh, we're adding actually a Spanish show here. Let me tell you about it. I'm doing one in the belly room in the belly room in, in Los Angeles here, March 12th, March 12th. If you want to go to the Spanish show at March 12th in the belly room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in May I'm back at the Mirage, May 29th and 30th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then I go to West Palm Beach in, uh, Florida, 5th and 6th. Spanish show the 7th in Miami. Back to the Mirage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] August 15th and then the Mirage again in October the 23rd and 24th. All tickets at tomsdegro.com slash tour and I'm adding a bunch of dates soon to be announced. Very excited to be coming out to a bunch of cool places. Gene, where you gonna be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so coming up here in just a moment we will have another comedy couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Moshe Kasher and Natasha Leggero, we will be back in a moment.


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[Assistant] Delivery is more than just pizza. In 2020 with election of your favorite flavors from across the globe, you can order cuisine from the comfort of your home with DoorDash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ordering is easy, you open the app, you choose what you want to eat, and your food will be delivered to you. If there are people not taking advantage of this, I mean, it was true that back in the day, that was the only thing you could get was pizza. And then everything else was like, well, I'd have to go there. And that is not the case anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You open DoorDash, you can just type in a type of food and it'll bring up all the restaurants in the area that deliver that you can order from. And in moments you can be eating whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you might find a new favorite one too with door to door delivery in all 50 US states, Puerto Rico, Canada, and Australia. You can order with your local go-tos or choose from your favorite national restaurants like Chipotle, Wendy's, Chick-fil-A, the restaurant, uh, excuse me, the Cheesecake Factory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom. That's $5 off your first order when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter the code Mom. Don't forget the code word is Mom for $5 off with your first order with DoorDash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's why I got upset, and that's why I said fuck. And she goes, now you're gonna program our child to think that a doorbell ringing means you gotta get really upset to say fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's a case to be made though for what your thought was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, like, here's the thing, as an observer, if I were observing you engaging someone in a back and forth, I mean, that could be entertaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. If you get too emotional or too worked up about it, then you go like, oh, you know, it's a fine line of being able to do the argument.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Otherwise, you know, there's a strong case we've made that somebody is misrepresenting themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This really becomes like an exercise in how to effectively argue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I've ever changed my mind and opinion, it's been in person. Oh, is that right? That's really interesting. Every time I've somebody's I've said something like bullheaded and like, and then I've talked to somebody and at the end of I can recall a number of times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think of a, uh, the most recent time. I mean, like there's just, I can think of just being in arguments with, uh, with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina, you know, like over the, but like having disagreements and then like, you know, being like very emotional about it, right? Right? Like a heated argument. And then after calming down being like, no, I actually see that you make, like, I see your point. I see what you're saying. I didn't see it before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, there's this thing too, that the only, usually the only way you convince somebody to change a position is you, they have to feel like you're not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, do you feel happy when you know Moshe's seeing someone new? Compersions are coming in and you're just like, Oh my God, he is. Oh yeah. It makes me cry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of her boyfriends actually, one of her boyfriends pointed out, and I'll let you guess what he looks like in a... Good looking guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll say this, he has a good disposition. He actually ends up saying, you know, that he enjoys it because we are talking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you ever choose to meet another suitor, I think I have the guy. Women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting, uh, case. He was, uh, born in the UK, I believe, lived here, has gone back and forth. I think he's a British national, but he's spent a lot of time in the States.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think there's a little bit of, yes, yes, yes, yes. So in other words, I think he's leaning into being, like, being provocative. It's Tom Likus's. Remember Tom, like, dump that bitch. Yeah, Tom Likus, totally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this was, this thing was hilarious. He posted this, this guy went kind of, uh, never seen Star Wars, remember that? This is him. Never will. Oh my god, you're missing out, maybe. You're missing out on being a multi-millionaire. Keep your movie. And then he's standing in front of a Bentley. At a Bentley dealership.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was in the office, like I go back to the office. It's like you'd want that on the plane. And then they go like, hey, we, um, we made this for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they wrote out the actual amount and everything on it and I was like, okay cool, uhm, can I get the real one? And then they're like, yea, and then she like puts it on the wall and I go, hey aren't you gonna have like employees like come back and see this and feel weird?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About seeing, you know, like the money written, she was like, oh yea, I didn't think about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I was like, I was like, erase this. That was very funny. It's very bizarre. Yeah. Bizarre. Very bizarre. Uhm, I don't know what this is. This is, uhm, somebody in a grocery store. Is that what is happening? The guy calling out behavior? Yes. I hate to leave this guy. Yeah, I know. This guy is really fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kind of feels like, like I feel when I'm spoken to like that, that I'm a child and like a shitty condescending teacher is telling me something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're isolating one way that sure, sometimes you say things neutral, sometimes you don't say things neutral. Here's the thing we have to remember you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm 100% on board with him, uh, much more so than I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a bit much. It's a lot. It's hurting me. You guys have HBO? Yeah. Uh, you ever seen piss spots? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so this guy, uhm, he started a new YouTube series called Piss Spots. And, uhm, he, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this guy, uh, he didn't, he did Pissbots one and two. Sure. And, uh, then he didn't post for eight months. I thought naturally. Jail. Okay. Yeah. But then when we, when we.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, usually he's in a car or sometimes he's been in a car and then he's like, I'm on the side of the highway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I love that he really upped the production value for episode 4. Some of the other ones you can see clearly now, not so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit of dignity, okay. What I'm hearing from YouTube? A lot of this. We'll suck your dick, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah? Yeaah. First of all, in Spain there's festivals every week. Yes, totally. But Las Fallas is a special one in Valencia and they have these abilities, spectacular floats and everyone's partying and the whole thing and they all go to this one square and then they set them all on fire. It is a spectacle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that also makes sense though, right? Like makes sense that it's like the whole thing of somebody obsessed or moved, let's say even by a band. Right. You hear it and you're like, yeah. Yeah, they're good. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. But you love that shit. I love that shit. Yeaah. Look, this was a lot of fun. I'm so glad you guys came today. Where are you guys on the road?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, but that is actually a great, it is true. Like you care so much about the showbiz stuff, but I think your perspective definitely changes when you have little faces looking at you, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't we leave on one of Christina's TikToks? Why don't we leave on one? I'm afraid. No, no, this is one of your good ones. Okay. All right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, we're super excited to have the co-creators, writers, executive producers, directors of HBO's hit docu-series, McMillions, James Lee Hernandez and Brian Lazarte. Am I saying that right? Lazarte?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, now, I got word that one of the other executive producers of the series is uhm-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, on display in our home. That's when we were like 18, but also those stuff when we were kids too. Uh, but I remember when this first first story, uh, like when you guys were first, I guess, got the rights to a part of the story. Right. And then, I don't know, there's this thing about documentaries that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, documentaries have become super popular I would say in the last decade especially, right? They're just, it's exploded. And I think everybody feels like when, when they,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That from like what you feel like would be a really actually exceptionally good documentary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and we should have said, we just said the title, but that your docu-series, it's on HBO right now, McMillions, more specifically is about the McDonald's Monopoly game that was huge when we were kids. Right. And, um, you guys further explore in this docu-series.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That there was massive fraud, and that the winners were basically not legit winners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was your, what was your go-to pleasure break food when you worked at McDonald's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That coke formula and the diet coke tastes different than anywhere else. And also I would, I remember going to McDonald's and if the fries weren't piping hot, I'd be like, these are cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, it's one of the only, I felt like it was the only food, or at least the first one that I ever discovered, that if it had gotten cold, and you microwaved it, it tasted nothing like what you were, like, it did not taste like a hot version of food again. Like did you get, is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Okay, before we move on to more about McMillions, your Hernandez, your Losarte, were you guys tempted to feature Chipotle because of your historical heritage?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How far into the conversation that you're talking to these guys, do you realize how rich the story is? Is it in the first time you talked to them? Yeah, instantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mark, uh, Devereux. No, no, not Devereux. Oh, Chris Graham? No, what's the, the, the Mr. Personality? Doug Matthews. Doug Matthews says that, that I think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he came in was, when he came in in his suit, uh, that he was also checking out body, you know, we're reading body language and seeing it and everybody at least passed the eye test, right? Like they're like, cause they did, they really had no idea, but they're trying to discover, just to restate for the audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This humongous game, the McDonald's Monopoly game, the FBI at this point is, is basically has discovered or is it in the process of at least partially discovering that there are no legit winners of big prizes. So like free cokes and stuff, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The big money prizes are being stolen and at this point, early on in this, uh, investigation, they have to figure out our, is, is, cause they don't know


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing about this series is that it is really like a fun, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spectacular, real people, and every episode that passes, it's like another twist and turn comes that you didn't expect. It's like a fun thing to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well the subject matter allows you guys to be funny too, right? Yeah. It's like if it was like a docu-series about a bunch of kidnappings, it's like, you know, they might be like dial down the funny. Yeah, it's a monopoly game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I landed in Singapore when I was doing that Asian tour a few years ago, we flew from Hong Kong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they gave us a heads up like before they're like, Singapore does not fuck around at all. And you're like, okay. And they're like, no, they put people to death, you know, for any type of drug offense. And I'm in that line.


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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many years was there never a legit big, big winner?


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[Assistant] Now what happens obviously, I don't know if this, I'm just curious if this passes on to your next, if a person wins, like in this scenario, and dies, does the government go after the family? Is that what happens in that scenario?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a kickback. Yeah, exactly. Correct. Wow. Now did you find, cause I've found this from watching this series and maybe you experienced this when you're making it especially, is that you start to play those lifelong hypotheticals in your mind about, you know, what would I do


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the right circumstances. And I felt like a certain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what people are doing, what some of these people are doing is wrong, but you, something about the way the story comes out and getting to, it's not a mugshot, you're hearing someone speak, you start to empathize with them a little bit like, ah man, like I know this is wrong, but like I feel,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost feel badly for you, for some of them. Yeah. You know, because uhm, I, I would almost believe that some of them weren't bad people, but the temptation of that much money in that moment was too much. Hell yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I think most of us, if you, you know, like right now, you know, you have careers and you're established and you know, you don't need that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think of, I actually phrased incorrectly, I'm trying to think of the four years where I wouldn't participate in this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm sure you answer this in the, but like what's the, you know, the short form summary of how, how this was able to be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. We had the previous criminal past. Yep. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other than a sensational story, does the federal government think that that's a worthwhile pursuit of the time and resources to solve a case like this? You know what I mean? Like, it's a great story, but is that worth it to them to bust it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] China too, they, they don't have, they don't have a lot of drug dealers there. They don't have them in the Philippines because they put a bullet in their head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, that's uh, something that appears on Christina's phone and she thinks- That's my feed. Let me share that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This lady sent it to her 12 and 15 year old daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we should point something out. We should point something out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she said she opened the messages and they were like, oh my god, that's so scary. And the next one said like, I think I experienced that in college. And then people, she was like, what? And then her husband Burt was like, I think you maybe need to check out. So she immediately called her daughters and then one of them was like, that's gross. And the other one was like, I didn't even open it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We grew up, I mean, he and I were like, I mean, every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every day together. We spent a lot of time together. We did, I mean, school and you know, playing after school, going on family trips. I would go with his family. I actually was just talking about how your folks came over to my house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, on a weekend a few weeks ago. Oh, recently. Recently. And how I had never experienced the onslaught of questions that I heard from your mother in such a compressed time, in such a short period of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing is that you just don't know what's gonna ha- so with her I feel like it's eat- like sometimes they're that loud and there's nothing. And then the very next fart is- Silent and like- No, or even like half as long you're like, oh it's a mini one and you're like, oh I'm gonna fucking die. Yeah. I mean they're def- their insides are rotting for sure. They're in their 70s. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost like a kid's opportunity to get involved with, you know, a big prize like the lottery or bingo. And, and, um, your dad has the itch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of astonishing when you break it down. Like talk about your dad's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was huge. And by the way, we were so young. It still is a great living. When you hear it though, I mean like, you know what I'm saying, like we were just like, oh, Uncle Dave won the lottery. You're a gazillionaire. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do know, I do remember that in the subsequent years, he also won a number of raffles, one of which he won a home in. He won a house in a church raffle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our parents were really into cruises and so they would always go on these cruises and they, on the cruises, you know, they have a casino that like opens up once you hit certain miles offshore, right? Cause they're always going to like the Caribbean cruises. Dude, all the time. It felt like every other time they would go on vacation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never struck me as a gambler, but you do strike me as wanting to like buy, you know, the raffle tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I wanna be clear, I did not go and like, punk kids out. What I would do is wait till they were gone. And then, like, talk about them, make fun of them. Especially if something really stood out wrong with them, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it was fun. It was fun to get them to be like, so excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel so much better when I wear them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, maybe save up and you can get some. I will. Have you worn those out in public yet? Of course. Where I'm on stage, where I'm driving. Oh, they help for driving. You know, sometimes the steering wheel slips and you're like, fuck!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, before we go, because obviously everybody knows to watch McMillions on HBO, and I'm sure if you've missed, you can see it on demand or on HBO Go, which are fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You also, we've been lucky enough to just, uh, be here and for it, but you guys have been releasing podcast episodes to support each, each episode of the series. What, uhm, what's covered in, in the podcast and how can people find it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet on another level for people involved with the story, especially the investigators, it's gotta be fascinating for them to watch this. Yeaah. And to reveal all the like the little details that maybe they didn't have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am the guest host of the bonus episode of Make Millions. HBO is very happy with the choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be really fun. I'm excited to do it. No, we're super stoked. And I'm also excited to see what you guys do next. I mean this was, you just wet everyone's beaks, so you're gonna have to, you know, give us a new series.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, alright, we'll leave it at that. Check out McMillions on HBO, HBO On Demand, HBO Go, HBO Your Mom, and then check out the McMillions podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, everywhere that, uh, podcasts are available. Did they do the thing where they put the audio on the YouTube feed as well? So you can go to YouTube and actually just click on it and listen to it. You can even do it through, like, after you watch the show. Oh, on the app itself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have the podcasting bug? Are you guys going to become podcasters now? That's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you had sold out shows. Yeaah, it was awesome. And, uh, thanks to all the Wilmingtonites who came out. All the folks down there. Did you ever go, uh, to Wilmington? I never met. That's coastal, right? Yeaah, cause it's, I thought my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but the shows were fun? Yea, they were fantastic. They were so much fun. That's awesome. The club was great. And, uh- Can't wait to go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there were a few, uh, nice ladies in Wilmington, uh, but there was one a couple of weeks ago, uh, that, that, uh, I had some issues with. Wait, what kind of issues?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there was not really an issue necessarily, uh, but it was something, you know, that was fun, you know, I, I dunno, I think I heard somebody at the Laugh Factory say one time, like, if she doesn't put a finger in your butt, she doesn't love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't tell, I'm trying to figure out which finger it was. It felt like a pointer. Is that the index? Yea, okay, my bad. Called it the pointer finger. Yea, it didn't feel like a, it definitely wasn't a thumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, I take a finger here and there, that's fine, you know, I don't mind. And how far up are we?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, well, so then I, you know, she was doing a good job at it. So I was like, you know, you don't have to, you can, you don't have to be, you know, shy about it all. Let's, you know, see what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then she got a little aggressive and uh, I forgot that she had like nails on. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the press-ons? I think they were, I don't think, I, I don't know if that's not disparaging to suggest perhaps they were fake, but, uh, I think they might have been. They were still on when they came out, uh, so that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good, but uh, at one point she goes, oh my god, I'm sorry, I didn't think I was on my period or anything, and she pointed to a spot on the bed, and I said, oh no, that's probably, probably me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, everything's the same, yeaah, even, that's why I was like, you know, let's test this finger theory out, you know, but, uh, nope, no dice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That doesn't take much to be quite honest with you, I don't know if, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never had a nail in there before, and so, found out it doesn't take much. It's a sensitive area, Christina. It is. Inside your butthole. And this was a, this was a road hookup? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was pretty evacuated, in fact, uh, cause I didn't expect the hookup to occur. And I had a real day. A real road day, if you know what I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew I was like, there's nothing, but that's dry as a bone now. You should have been like, what else you got? Can you put your hand up there? Okey dokey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah, hell yeaah. Recently? No, not recently, uh, not recently, unfortunately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was older, she was, I was like 26.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I've also, by the way, Christina, I'll have you know, because since you brought up to Kate Kennedy, you were like, girls don't do that, blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I, once I get a DM, uh, where the, and then we strike up a convo, if it goes to that point, uh, I then find out a, uh, where they're located, and then I get on the email and I go, I gotta find a venue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uh, I wish it were that, uh, the volume were that expansive where I could just forget them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it still bleeding? No, it's better. It was a while ago enough where it's, uh, healing, but, uh, it took a little while. It was- It did, huh? The cross-country flight was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the guy with his dad too, right? That was the coach. Where he was like, it's fine now that he's gay, but back then, I was not pleased.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Didn't it kind of feel like that? Well yea, like it was all an ingredient to live a dual life almost, you know? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're pressing this thing. See that's what I was wondering if I was jumping to conclusions because the documentary didn't really like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hit that nail, like, on the head, right? It wasn't obvious throughout the whole thing. They would bring up a couple of stuff here and there, then they would be like, and then he was gay also. And you'd be like, huh, okay, and you're trying to piece it together. And it never really looped around like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did Odin Lloyd, were Odin Lloyd and him doing stuff or where?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen the guy that, uh, was saying it too that was talking about it? It was the guy in jail. He looks like, uh, if like Justin Bieber and Post Malone were to have like a baby together. He's like a tatted up Justin Bieber, almost, you know? That's cute. Yeah, he's a real white rapper kinda guy. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this guy, they were, he was talking, he was like, we wouldn't love and shit, like he was saying all kinds of stuff in an interview, but people are saying some of his shit's, uh, talking tales out of school, so. Yeah, it could be. He wasn't in the documentary, so that's what's confusing to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Isn't it terrible though, like, if Aaron Hernandez was just openly gay as an NFL player doing the things that he was doing? Oh my god. He would've had like a gay holiday named after him. Oh my god. At this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone would like walk by him and they'd like maybe spill a drink on him or something a little bit and then he would, well that was exactly what happened when he murdered a guy. He murdered two guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lover in prison, by the way, said during a night of canoodling that he confessed to a fourth body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Tebow team. You must, uh, look back and go haha, yeaah. They're savages. Yeaah, they're all animals on that team. There was like a coach who got arrested and all this other stuff too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about the Pouncy guys, uh, being in that documentary? They got a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but it was- And you've held that now for over a decade in your brain, Christina. Yeaah, it's amazing. I can't believe that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does that lead into not being, uh, wanting to be open about being gay you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, it's not cool to be gay if you're Latin or African. What race do you think is the gay race? The gayest race? White people, right? We're the gayest race. Oh, white people invented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it would have been like when the, after World War II when that sailor dipped the lady over and kissed her. It'd be like the most famous kiss ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like, uh, Aaron Hernandez catches it, then he bends over, and the old lineman comes up behind him, he's like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, exactly, but I think, I think he could have like ascended higher in the sport if he, if his mentality was in the right place. Like if he went into that and like, you know, he was probably worried, you know, I'm open, I'm the first open guy, I'm getting a lot of scrutiny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or you just make your femininity aggressively masculine. Just be like, man, you got succulent fucking lips. Shit. And then you just fucking nail it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't say a lot, I just said, I, you know, she asked if I finger banged anyone at Disney World and I said never, not Disney World, but I've definitely fingered a few people at Six Flags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On a rollercoaster? What kind of ride? Well we had a Six Flags in my hometown and so, you know, that was, we didn't have- What kind of ride? Yeah. Uh, a lot of the spinny ones, the Ferris wheel definitely. That's easy taking. 100%. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when you're young, you can just, uh, do that kind of stuff. Not the spinning cup. If you do the spinning cup, you gotta make sure you're not double spinning. You know what I'm saying? I'm talking about the ones where you're just going in a circle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since Trivial Force you put the finger next to the vagina and it gets sucked in with the rest of it. Stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, that's the whole fun of it because you're just like out and you're like a teenager essentially yea and you're 20s or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm gonna be in Providence, Rhode Island this weekend, Friday, Saturday, and then I'm going to be in Nashville, May 13th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one that I really want you to come to Huntsville, Alabama. May 12th. It's a great club. Make sure you come to that. I can't wait for that club. It's a great club. I just want people to come to it. May 12th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, May 12th, yeaah, please come, and May 13th, like I said, Zany's Nashville, and they're all outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ain't that shit his, boy, hold on. Hold on, boy. I see why my baby be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, so we wanted to just come in here real quick for this episode and, uhm, discuss something. Normally we don't do this, uh, our shows are recorded usually a week in advance just based on the production schedule here and the post schedule and, uh, it just felt weird to put out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The episode with like, zero acknowledgement of what's going on right now. Absolute apocalyptic chaos that's happening in the world. And then I know some people go like, well that's why I watch this, or that's why I listen, it's a departure from everything going on, but you know, it's uh, it's what we want to do, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, yeaah, it's, uh, it's like, uh, it's a horrific thing. Like, to have seen the, uhm, you know, the footage of, uhm, of Floyd, George Floyd getting murdered and then the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What that unleashed was uhm, you know, it's a traumatic thing. It should be a traumatic thing for everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was casual, you know. Like when you're bored, you put your hands in your pockets. You're bored. So, it was a horrible thing to watch and then, uhm, you know, I will say that I think one of the things that's happening that's also disappointing is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, no one wants to see the rioting and the looting, but when people go like, that's the only thing happening, but it's not. It's not the only thing happening. There are peaceful, there's many more peaceful protestors than there are looters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, denying that, you know, you're lying. There's thousands more people peacefully protesting. It gets...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gets, we get distracted from it by, by seeing the looting and the rioting. And then you go like, oh, that's, that's what people are doing, but that's not the only thing people are doing. Um, and if you're like, there's no reason for that, you know, you shouldn't be looting and rioting. You're obviously you're.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're destroying property, you're ruining businesses, you're uhm, you know, you're not helping, but if you don't want to acknowledge why people are frustrated and angry, you know, you're being lazy, you're being willfully ignorant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're going to just act like, you know, then there's no, I don't understand why people are doing this, but maybe you should spend some time trying to figure it out. Okay. Like if you need somebody to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, explain that to you. Do, you know, have a few conversations. Maybe, uhm, maybe listen a little bit. Uhm, so, look, it's been deeply, but we live in a city that's been very, very affected by it. If you're following the news at all, there's new,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Neighborhoods every night, uhm, and I'll let, uh, Ryan will tell you his own experience shortly, uhm, not on this episode, but on, on one of the, uh, upcoming episodes of the Honeydew. He had a really, really terrifying experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's gonna happen? It's just like a depressing thing to witness, but you know, a lot of it, I understand why people are frustrated. I understand why people are upset and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd hope that you could, you know, make the effort to try to understand why people are frustrated and upset too. And it's like, you know, we've, we've seen so many times, uhm, you know, unarmed black men,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's important to acknowledge that there are great police officers. The whole idea that to be anti-police is not helpful in the least. The thing you want is for, you know, I think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You view the police the way you did when you were a kid, like when you were a kid, you know, they tell you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, you know, the police help you, they protect you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you go to them. And I think a lot of people have that experience. Like as adults.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a huge segment of the population that doesn't. And, and yeah, demonizing all police isn't helpful. I know, I know great police officers. I've, I've, I've, I've done ride alongs with white officers, black officers, Asian officers. I've done it in different cities. I've been invited by people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there are great people. It's a noble profession, you know, but there are bad cultures and there are definitely bad people as well. Like this chauvin in Minneapolis is a horrible human being. I mean, he's a fucking murderer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, I mean, we just wanted to, it's just weird to put out a, our show and be able to just be like, oh, there's nothing new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have this really weird thing where uhm, like, violence and uhm, like, racial uhm, you know, fighting in the, it makes me not hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is weird. I tend to not be horny when uhm, when there's riots. Chaos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we come to a resolution that will come. Resume. That will resume. I promise. Uhm, yeaah. So, look, it just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well look, uhm, it's just important, I mean, I would feel like very odd by not just expressing that it's uhm, it's sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's horrible to just be a citizen and witness all this, you know, anger and frustration. It's horrible to witness. It's horrible that we keep seeing the same kind of storyline play out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The chaos stops that we can, you know, acknowledge it. And then if you're somebody, cause I know there's a lot of people, it's really telling when you like see it, uh, when you post something on social media, like on Instagram and then like all the idiots come out. I kind of enjoyed it cause I was able to, um, erase people from at least my social media life. I'm like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, please enjoy, honestly, probably one of the three funniest episodes of Your Mom's House ever. This was a laughfest, and I hope you enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was physically ill from laughing. Yeah, it was really good. It was really amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh snap, there's hot beer. MerchMethod.com slash com to direct. Check out all our new stuff. Ooh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. Big news here, there's a new offer. Go to Saatva.com and get $225 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your purchase, go now, saatva.com slash y m h and get a new mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up, Chomos? It's another episode of Your Mom's House, the greatest podcast in the history of all time. And we are very happy that you've joined us here and you're not gonna get the stamp on your forehead if you finish this episode. Now, so much to get into. Literally a loaded episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt fuckin' sick of this shit. Where did you, where were you raised?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Senior week? Remember senior week? Did you have a senior week? We went, we went to some place in South Carolina and every girl was like, ha ha. I was like, come over here. You seem interesting. First of all, I was like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, yeaah, it's like your crew, I mean, this is how we did it, it's like in senior, senior week in college, we went to, uh, some place in South Carolina, I think it was Myrtle Beach, and it's basically like the caravan there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. And they're like, we're going to graduate, enter the real world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 45 blunts. And we put it in the fri- the frigerator of the hotel, the shitty hotel we stayed at. And then the, we would smoke in the room. So the cleaning staff came. Like the, the shitty hotel's cleaning staff just opened the door and there was a cloud of smoke. And this is Myrtle Beach and the lady was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, looked at us and we couldn't be like, it's not art. We were just like, I don't know. And she was like, hmm. Clean the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, man, that was a really decadent week. What else did you do? No, I just remember just being like, uhm, hey, where's, uh, whatever. Shannon. I don't know, be like, well, if you see her, send her to my room. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, this girl, I met this girl senior week. This is literally, this is from senior week. This is the day after senior week ended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a little bit, there was a little bit, cause it's, it's a, it's a group of people, so the music would shift and change, you know, and it depends like, you know what I mean, which clique you're hanging out with, cause there's probably, I'm thinking this group is probably 30 people, so there was like the fucking rednecks, and then there's the, you know. Hillbillies, the rednecks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Like you say, we call us the alt kids. Yeah, when I met you guys, I was like, what's up with the lightning crew? The nerds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit, a little bit too close, but usually like, like it was usually pretty awful. Shitty, shitty awfulness. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I just looked at her, I was like, you don't, like I was like, you don't look like you have anything, so you don't, I don't need it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I got lucky. There's a couple really, really scandalous, you know, types that I was like, eh, I'll probably luck out here and not get something. And I really did. I really lucked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always booze involved when it's bad. Like none of the, like the, all the good ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was sobriety involved. All the terrible ones where I was like, the next thing I was like, the fuck was that? That was hammered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did she seduce you? I was super drunk. I was really, really drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, when you see that face, you know, in the morning, you wake up and you're like, the hell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you think it's great, you're just like, you know how it is, you can get drunk enough to just want any type of affection. You know, anything feels good, because you're drunk. I'm telling you, I'm not, I don't, I, I, boozing doesn't, like, I drank the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a babysitter come to the house. So we were being responsible parents and I don't, I didn't drink that. Like people are going to laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I drink so little that I need so little to feel it, you know? I had three beers. Just back to back to back and I had a great buzz and I was like, oh, this feels great. But the after effect was that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Within an hour, I was like, I need to lay down. Like I wanted to take a nap and then I was just fucking hungry. So I'm just like stuffing my face with shit. Yeah, no, it feels good at the time, but then you're like, oh man, my stomach's all fucked up. And then I didn't sleep well that night. So then the next day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't feel good. And all this you trace back to like, to what? To three beers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the only thing that doesn't, like, fuck with me alcohol-wise is wine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I have more than two, it is such a nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just because of the, not like the buzz feels good. I'm saying the after effect. The same thing. I want a nap. I'm eating like shit. I'm not sleeping well. The next morning I have a headache. Like all of that is for like a few drinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, no, not in bourbon, but in, in other, uh, liquors there are, but I don't think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Resistant to even like starting any comedy that's in the queue. I'm like, I don't want to watch a comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I went with that one and I did laugh at a lot of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to give away any of the, uhm, the beats, but like, yeaah, I mean, Stain also, by the way, you know, you forget, like, we were watching him in Black Sheep and Tommy Boy in like the mid-90s. I know. And he basically looks the same. Looks the same. And he has that, uhm, he plays that part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he does so well, you know, like he's, he's, he's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the perfect, uh, person to put against the bigger, the wackier, you know, like Farley was with him, obviously in those movies. And then she's basically, you know, playing that type of role. He's out of control. Yeah, he's the straight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the kind of movie where, when you're watching it, you realize too that like, her part, you need like a supportive environment to play that. You know what I mean? You need like, laugh. I bet you, I would guess that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Corlina. They were at the Hotel Corlina. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was really dirty, which really, like, really speaks to me, like all their dirty jokes. I love that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, speaking of the, the feedback from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, MysticRip being introduced to a wide audience has been pretty incredible. Uhm, I've been getting so many DMs from wrestlers. Uh-oh. Yes. Uhm, and it's, it's, it is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is fun. I'm telling you, I don't want to give away because I'm sort of trying to work out who, who wants to get this work, you know, uh, who I'm going to drop the turkey slicer on and give the stamp on the forehead and serve them hot poutine. But it is a good time. I also want to say, um, it was really fun to have those guys in here last week talking about wrestling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really was a lot of fun. There's a weird thing I gotta tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you just say wrestling, I react like the way I react. But if you break down, like, I love bits. I love creating a bit in a storyline. I love confrontation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I, I think I'm gonna do, I'm gonna buy the pay-per-view.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This shit's fuckin' awesome. I've always wanted-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you see, like, Korean guys, you're like, look at that bitch, she's cute. And you're like, oh shit, that's a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, sometimes I walk up to a Korean dude and I'll be like, you're a beautiful motherfucker, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of jeans. They were kissing. Oh my God. If you haven't just yet checked it out, make sure you go to merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura and you see the all new, um, uh, stuff. It's don't worry. You don't blow up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but it has all the new stuff. I can't wait. The jean stuff, thicc boy nation, the tumbler, the hats, hoodies, tank tops, mystic rick merch. It's got everything. Uhm, it's got, what is it, it has, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's all there, all new stuff, we swapped out a bunch of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's great. The gene stuff is super nice too. Uhm, and alright, so we are going to be back in a moment. We're gonna wrap up here. We'll do our Satva giveaway results next week. Uhm, so if you've submitted there, cross your fingers. You might be on the playlist. Uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we will be back here in a moment with a really exciting segment. And we are back with our resident favorite. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Josh Potter. What are you doing? You're turning on your TikTok? What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it? Yeah, I don't know if I have enough. There's not even enough meat for you. Yeah. Okay, immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you this though. Is there something where like when the pressure starts, can you stop the pressure and like stop it continuing to suck? I understand what you're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you can, can, is the pressure growing or is it just, does it stay? No, it stays. But that's what, it's on, on a, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it, try it, yeah. Try to just feed that nip in there, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Licked, sucked on, like twisted, but he said every time. And I go, so, I mean, did you love it? He goes, no, I didn't like it at all. But he just, he just let her do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do use these tit cups if you up the price and people pay it. $200 a cameo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you did. Let's see. And then let's talk about, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what felt, what hurts more, that tit cup or having your apartment cleaned?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's address this before we have to break here. So tomorrow, on the main channel, is it coming out? Yea. Yea, on the main channel, we have a YMH original having Josh's apartment cleaned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. To address that is to send our lady over to your place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, I used to, by the way, I was the same, same, same as you and when I, I remember when I was just like doing the road like the way you're doing it and I would see my place being a disaster and I'd be like, well I'm just gonna get on a plane this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you come back and you're like, this sucks, but I'm going to leave again. Yeah. You're like, I'm going to get on a plane Wednesday. Yeah. It makes you and it makes you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have any new perspective on what Norm puts his body through now that you're doing this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think of his tit cups now that you've experienced this? He looks like he pulls the big ones off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I feel like this is awesome in so many ways, but mostly it's a salute to you, Norm. This is all...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we, uh, we actually try to understand what you have put your body through. I would say Josh is the one who really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well yea, there's that. I meant on the show. Oh, right, right. Like, we can't, like, how will I get aroused? I got you, I got you. We sit you here on the couch, the cage is on, and we play on a loop like the hottest new lesbian porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No problem. So same setup and then we have a woman come here and do things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you all about it. Who do you have in mind? Oh, just, you'll like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, uh, somebody from the adult industry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, we'll talk here in a moment. Alright, uhm, look man, hey, I really appreciate you doing this. I really appreciate you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back with one of our all time favorite friends, comedians, podcasters, our good buddy Ryan Sickler is here. Big news, we have to tell you a bunch so that you know the honeydew which has been here


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you do it, man. That's how you lock down. Yea, I was gonna say, maybe Friday, uhm, we can, uh, do the do, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you actually, I gotta say, every time I do your podcast, I'll be thinking, and this happens the last three times I did it here, I'll be thinking like, what am I gonna talk about today? What am I gonna talk about, like, story-wise? And I'll kinda like, feel like a blank, and then as we're podcasting,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five stories of me that I've never told before. And I'll start telling you things that I've never, I've never told. I'll be like, how have I never told this story? They're like, they're firsts all on your podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you think about this, uh, if you think about 30 years before we were in school,


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[Assistant] No water breaks, water is for fucking chicks. So, so you would just be out there, like my, my dad's high school teams, they would be like in Louisville, Kentucky in August and they would be like, you can get water after this practice is over. You know, I mean, that would be, if you try to do that now, it's a hundred degrees outside. You're not coach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was, and there was like slack ass PE days where you didn't do shit, you know, or you kind of took like, we don't need to shower. You know, you didn't do anything. You kind of phoned it in today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, when somebody says eat ass, I go like, okay, when somebody mentions their crack, I'm like, ugh. It's sweaty, it sounds sweaty. You know, you think the crack sounds nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Obama's House is also brought to you by Policy Genius. Of course you have to find every way you can to save money. One way to do that, very simply, is to look for things you can save on that you already are paying for, like home insurance. If you own a home,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to re-shop your home insurance rates with Policy Genius. That could save you a really good chunk of change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the best part is you barely have to do anything. You go to policygenius.com, you answer a few quick questions about yourself and your property. They do all the comparisons. They let you know how it lines up with other offers. And the best part is like whenever there's time to switch, you go like, oh man, I'm going to have to do all the legwork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get everything switched over. They take care of that for you. They help you do all of it. They can also compare car insurance and home insurance at the same time. They save their customers an average of $1,127 per year doing just that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you'd like to put a little cash back in your pocket right now, see how much you can save by re-shopping your home insurance rates at policygenius.com. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you followed us, uh, talking about Fed Smoker at all? Yeah. You have? Yeah, I was feathering it before, because my hair was so long. Okay, so you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are, there's so much Fet Smoker content we never got to before he passed. I was gonna say RIP. RIP, Connell, uh, Eugene Peterson. But uhm, yeah, here's another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, god, that's so funny. That fucking killed me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you wanted to, uhm, by the way, you wanted to congratulate, uh, uh, Gianluca.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's like really well coordinated dance videos just for his Instagram, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a little braid in his beard. He always posts pictures with like super hot chicks and people are like, hey, it's cool. Are you fucking your daughter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to show one of his like really cool dance videos though. I'm sure if you scroll through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they always have it like pretty coordinated and you know, you'll incorporate the surroundings and the people there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's uhm, there was, oh, the guy, isn't it, uhm, the founder, the guy that started F1, he was in the news last week, uhm, his girl's pregnant, check this out, see if you can find that, uhm, uh, Formula One founder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, see if, uh, go to the search part and see if, uh, is, uhm. How old's this dinosaur? Yeah, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on, cause I thought I saw that he is, uhm, going to have, yeah, yeah, 89. Come on! How old's she?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you believe in mediums? Do you believe in all that? Talking to someone on the news past? There's a lady who's really making waves right now because she is connected to one of the biggest stars ever after his death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This person does. In, like, in, she'll go over to that side and have sex with him and come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sure, I think uhm, do you know Nadav? Do you know who?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. And then, and Michael's talking through her about her. Oh wow. This is deeper than I thought. Wow. Pretty meta. That's pretty. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, okay, so there's four, no, there's two, uhm, what's it called, like, uh, studs going through the top lips, one piercing hoop through the bottom lip. That's pretty standard. Then you got the nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Door knocker. Yeah. Then the ears got some major weight on them. I mean, there's some, you could enter a lifting contest with that kind of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like explaining, explaining like I took some shit out. Shit's starting to weigh on me. Imma dial it back on these teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's people that go out every day with a, like an illusion, like a fake eye color just because they think. That's crazy. That's so crazy. Yea, I totally agree man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what Larry, who's your dentist pal? I'm gonna, I'm gonna, my first setback, I'm gonna be like, you know when you, you're like a couple days into a crystal, you know what I mean? And then you just keep dropping shit. You guys do that too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also decided to share that. That's a crit- I mean he was- I'm a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super chill. Uh, if you're interested, his handle is eat raw meat on TikTok. I can't believe that was available.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's switch it up. You know, if there's anything you guys know about me, it's that I like to stay hard and I hope all of you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the new reality. I'm just not gonna be hard anymore. The truth is you can do something about it, okay? You can go to 4himms.com, the one stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are well-known generic equivalents to name brand prescriptions to help you combat ED, prescription solutions backed by science. Super easy. Answer a few quick questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and during a, uh, a confidential review with a doctor and boom, you could be on your way. This is going to be the year that you do this. Try HIMS today by starting out with a free online visit. Go to 4HIMS.com slash house. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S.com slash house. 4HIMS.com slash house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prescription products are subject to doctor approval and require an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. See website for full details and safety information. This could cost hundreds if you went in person to the doctor's office or pharmacy. Remember that's 4HIMS.com slash house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every once in a while, he gets lazy. He's like, I'll clean up in the morning. No. And then- Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go to the kitchen for like a late night drink or something and you're like, hey Norm, he's like, I know man, I'm tired. And you're like, put this shit and piss all over the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the Charo, the Charo sleeping mug is, uh, the coffee mug's out. Is it out? It is? Yea, it should be in the store now. That's just her passed out. I had to get her an iPad Pro letter for me to talk to her. No, for me to sell it. I'm selling her mug. Oh, that's what you had? That was the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see P weighed in on the coronavirus. Did you see that? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would kill myself at a Juggalo Fest gathering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's my man, Tate. We played some videos of him, enjoyed it. He ended up commenting on a video that we did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I actually have not seen, I saw the only the first clip of this. I don't know where he goes. So let's see. Uh, I think he, he, he saw the time we showed it to Mosha and Natasha. Right. And he commented on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's a little bit of... Yes, yes, yes. The old guy got something right. The old guy!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So far, okay, he's like, motion needs to put on muscle. Natasha cheated on it, which I have no idea where he's pulling that from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's, he's for real. I don't know. But I mean, is that all true? I don't know. Does he own the casino?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He probably talks just like that to her too. I bet you he does. I bet that girl on the couch, she's like, Hey, you low IQ, non reading bitch. Look how messy this room is. She's like, I'm sorry. Yeah, absolutely. I think it's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I always think flag people are kind of obnoxious, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I mean, do it if you want, but I'm always like, whenever I pull up your big ass flag. Really? My favorite one. Is this a, is this like a government office or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but it's kinda romantic when you think about the fact that a couple made it together. You know, he and her made it together. Like he, he pours it in, he pours it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I know your butthole too well to eat eggs out of it, you know? Yeah. Egg's almost better than it's a stranger. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. And piss on me shirt was a real hot sell. When I was on tour, that was Ali said when she was like, everyone's buying this piss on me shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, what if she's like, I wanna do that, and you're like, okay, and then she goes in there, tries to start blowing you, and she's like, this is disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Our closing song by Mark Price is Feel the Pain. Uhm, this was a lot of fun. Thanks for coming, Ryan. We'll miss you. I'll miss you too. See you in your bunch. I love you guys. Here we go, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you have any questions, definitely visit my website at iamdung.com to discover more intriguing stories and comments and videos of what I love to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like beer is like liquid bread. I can see that knocking you out and fucking with you. But no sugar, no carbs in bourbon or scotch or whiskey. Really? It's keto friendly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? She actually just announced that she's off TikTok and moving specifically to Instagram. Oh, that's great. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've never made it this far in the video before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he saw her bloody pussy and then started puking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See what's going on in our America? It's ridiculous. Gotta stop. Be the resistance. Be the resistance. Don't put up with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess so. I'm an under-ranking, uh, militant official.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I roasted, I roasted the, this is where art, the difference between me and Jeff's career, I roasted, uh, the general manager of the comedy store who's leaving after four years. I roasted him two nights ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't have time for that shit. You're lucky that you're on that thing. Not a lot of people get those invites.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna do that too? Oh yeah, vasectomy is the way to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, okay, yesterday, uhm, ooh, uh, oh, yesterday I had a bao, which is a dumpling place. So much, so much dumplings. Like I eat until I feel sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ate as much as a couple would eat. Really? So your capacity is high. It's ridiculous. It's unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I get, I get a big belly just for like, my metabolism is so fast or like how I'm built is so crazy that when I eat I get this little like Ethiopian sick boy gut. So cute. And then 30 minutes later it just goes back in. Just a six pack.


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[Assistant] How often does your booty hole get licked? No, no, not often. No, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would shock the world to know, but I'm not into anything that has to do with my booty at all. Really? Yeah. Everybody thinks I'm gay, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, they checked your appendix? They, well, I guess they thought that perhaps, sometimes appendicitis does this thing where I guess it drops or something like that, like out of the normal area, and they were checking me for that, so it's the one time I had a, uh, a finger in my butt, and it was...


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[Assistant] Oh, let me remember it. Oh, stop. Oh, you remember who it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No magnets on the fridge. There is a little something on the fridge. Actually, that looks like the looks like a brand new fridge. That looks like the thing that tells you how much energy is being used.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My goodness. She just seems like a nice-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no such thing as Wednesday. That's right. But with that, with like a meteor pause in between, there was this three seconds. She was powerful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did too, and that's like some of the closest I've been to it in a long time. I was raised on it, just that being a normal thing and numbers and this and that and Ohio and PA and all these things you'd hear cause of the lotteries and the betting and this and that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the normal terminology, but to hear her switch back into that. It was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know those thin lips making the money. Look at those little flatbreads.


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[Assistant] Can't we get a membership for like a day and just do some research?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Educational. She's got great traps on her. Look at her, like Yoel Romero like, uh, trapezoids up there. She does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not really my thing, no, uh, I've, I bet on, um, a few of my favorite fighters if I'm in Vegas and I'm walking by the sports book place on my way to, you know, sit with Joe or whatever, you know, if I'm going with him to an event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're good at that stuff. They really are. Those people that do that are really good at it. Couldn't believe it. Yea. We went, we went back, uh, I took the whole crew to Youngstown, Ohio, uh, where I'm originally from. The whole Killtony, like, main crew, me, Red Band, Jeremiah, and Joel Jimenez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we ate at my father's Italian restaurant. Joey! Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and, uh, he went back in the kitchen, made us an unbelievable meal. I mean, it was so good, people's eyes were watering at like how unbelievable this Italian food was. And we sat around that night, because I never


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I haven't brought people that I work with there ever in my life so it was an exciting thing and we drank wine and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As chill as it gets, very cool. In the 70's also? Yea, sorta just waitin' for everything to, you know, mellow out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah. Maybe, uh, yeaah. Yeah. It's just incredible to see these-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The stories he was telling me were so much cooler than parts of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sopranos, Irishmen, goodfellas, I mean, I could go through the whole thing. It's absolutely ridiculous. I would look over, even I was surprised at times, and I'd look over and I'd see Jeremiah Redban and Joel's faces just like, and they'd look at me and just start cracking up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Immediately, because they're realizing that this is real. Priceless moments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just, back in the 80s and the early 90s, that was everything. Even today, uh, I woke up and the head, top of CNN is Trump pardoning, uh, Edward de Bartolo Jr., who got convicted of, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fraud of some kind. He pardoned him? Yea. I didn't see that. But he, I don't even think he's in prison, but he just like, cleared it off his record or whatever. Okay. And for some reason it's at the top of the mainstream news, which I love to check just to see what morons are absorbing in that for their news. But that's a, that's a, one of the main guys from Youngstown. The, the debartalos, uh, basically created the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not created but really spread the shopping mall throughout the country. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so they would go to major cities and be like, you need a shopping mall. And they're like, what? And they're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put all the stores on one thing that brings everybody together. Just do it. We'll do it. It's about family with us. It's not even about the money. Right, exactly. And what's interesting is Youngstown also has and had, especially had, because they just infiltrated the country, the Cafaros. And the Cafaros built strip malls. So like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Places where you see a building where there's multiple businesses in, but it's still sort of outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's not even a dot com, I sound like an old man. There might be. I don't even know the terminology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what's crazy is they went and did it in the 70s, 80s and 90s. So it's not even, they just did it. They went everywhere. City to city. Just kept going west.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christ. The word Philip also has two tiny eyes in it. 10 billion dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I space. And they're close together too. He's almost a tiny eyed cyclops. Oh, he's smiling there. Whoa. Oh. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I had tiny eyes like that, I'd probably work my way up to being billionaire as well. From your tiny eyes? Yeah. I would get...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought he was, just from the little bit I've seen of him here, I thought he was perhaps getting his life on track. He had a bicycle with a water bottle in the chamber there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's usually the sign of a healthy guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's firing people. Yeah, so they both have that star quality. It's one of their trademarks. It's like their finishing move or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just love how many of them take place in actual stores now. Like to actually go into an actual physical store now, you're already pretty much crazy. Well think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't have, you must not have common sense if you're going into a physical store. The wildest thing to me is, cause I live near a couple grocery stores, like in the heart of the city, right? And I'll see people loading in cases of water and like paper towels, like all the big things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing? You're carrying the water. Are you your own Amazon delivery driver? Just have it dropped off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the big stuff? The big thing, a toilet paper? I mean, don't you have any? You can even ask, hey, can you bring that in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it is Walmart. For sure. Walmart, you hear a lot of those, uh, Hellfire, Brimstone, Repent, a lot of those things. It's kind of the Walmart slogan, right? Hellfire, Brimstone, Repent. Rinse and Repent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, other people that are, have Down syndrome don't even like recognize that that person has Down syndrome. So it's not like, oh, a hero for our sake. Like a recognition, cause that's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, why wouldn't they recognize it? They just see, they don't see it. They see normalcy. They don't have, uh, downs, people don't see downs. They just see, it's like the outsider on HBO. Have you seen this? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard to explain. But my point is, they're not like, oh, that's a hero, that's our Rosa Parks, you know, breaking boundaries for us. No, definitely doesn't register. Have you ever talked with anyone with Down Syndrome? Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that- does the- does the- does the shirt make my kid's face look flat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I get every time I get hungry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Making deals, getting spots on shows, getting managers and agents out of there now. And they do, what, a minute? Uh, when they start? 60 seconds. 60 seconds. So that's, that is like. That's tough. It's tough. Uh, a lot of Susan vex. And then I interview them for like 5 to 8 minutes, sort of feel more about them. You can feel how cool or funny someone is during that part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like 75 to 120 people sign up before the show, and they don't know if they're getting up or not. All the names go in a bucket, they sign up, they take that risk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was about a, two months ago or so. Okay, he did this, how did he do on his set? Not good at all. Not good at all. He did one of the worst things you could do, which is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he just, he was just on everything. Yeaah. This past 24 hours. Fox, NBC, CBS. This is like his uhm. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, let me say, we've pulled over 3,000 names out of this bucket in this show's history. And only one person has murdered someone before, so I just want to say, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a good, pretty good ratio. One out of three thousand's not bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bunch of fun things coming up here, we just announced Miami yesterday coming up, and, uh, where else? Uh, yeaah, it's fun, uh, Tacoma, uhm, we're in Vancouver doing Killtony this, uh, Friday, and Swansea, Massachusetts is a big one, that's right between Providence and Boston next week, and then I'm doing Boston in like a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Yeah, I guess. I mean, I've heard you band before. Maybe I've just heard it from fans. Okay, they get into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I find that my rationing skills are just going in the shitter. Like, I will go to the grocery store and I'll buy like, oh yeah, this will be food for a week, and I'll end up eating all of it in like, within two or three days. And it's the exact same way with my masturbation. I'm like, oh yeah, I'm gonna jerk off once today, and that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then like, two hours goes by, I'm like, did I already jerk off? You like forget that you did? You forget that you did. I forget that I did. And sometimes that happens two or three times a day, but I forget that I jerked off earlier. Wow. Only when I get started I feel like, oh yea, it feels like I jerked off. If I were single.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so is it that you're going from yourself right now and then transitioning to your poorest self in quarantine, or is it you're going from poor to poor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So you're on your own. But it's like, but I haven't tasted the good life yet, right? Like I only know poor life from that. Yeah, you're young, you're in your twenties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I would definitely go with that because there's, you can't stoop lower than living by yourself at your poorest time, you know? Like everything that you do is disgusting. Right. So it's just like, oh yeah, I'm just doing all of my disgusting stuff just like a lot of times in a row more than often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway. I'd go with that over. I mean, I can't really take longer than a weekend, really, with family. So it's, like, once it's like, oh, actually it's two months now, I'd be like, yeah, man, just take all my money and let me live by myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I will say that a couple months ago, uh, back when, cause he was running for president, I think, Joe Exotic, right? Yes. So, I remember someone sent in his campaign video, like to the email, and I remember seeing it, and I'm like, oh my god, this is kinda crazy, and then as it's going, I'm like, this isn't real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a long time ago. And then I, when I saw him getting attacked, I'm like, oh, this looks really familiar. Oh, I thought this was fake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not lazy. Cause now she's like, you know, she's gonna have to take work off every time she goes into surgery. It's like two years of reconstructive surgery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's two years where it's just like, you don't know when it's gonna end, you don't know when you can fix it. Two years! No, it's two years at the beginning of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And so it's just like, look, if it's my left hand, I can still. Yeah, it's just like, I'll just, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so sometimes, like if you're talking about like how, like, uh, tragedies where there's lots of death involved, that is something that could limit ads or even completely demonetize you for. I mean, we've been flagged a couple times for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there was one time I sent a tease, which is I just didn't send the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I chose this book. It's about a woman who was a UN negotiator. She was negotiating for the UN between two warring tribes in the Democratic Republic of Congo. And she


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fell in love with and fucked the leader of one of the tribes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your white-bred ass from New York who went to college and university and got a job as a UN negotiator went to the jungle and fell in love with fucking Mutumbu who doesn't speak English with his big black ding-dong and got dick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real ones, doesn't matter if they're on TV or any book, they are fucking dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women are dumb. We know it, we're not supposed to say it, but it's fucking true. Because I guarantee you, whoever wrote that shit, wrote that book, thought, obviously he wanted it to be as realistic as possible. He's like, let me make this book, make it as good as possible. What's the kind of stupid dumb shit a woman would do? Oh, oh yea, this is the kind of dumb shit. How many women out there are fucking dudes they shouldn't be fucking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey hey, how are ya? I thought Christina was just so-


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[Assistant] Depressed over fed smokers death, she still couldn't come in.


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[Assistant] Do you think the coroner is like swiping shit under the rug, you know? Because of a federal investigation? I don't know. Who got to him? That's what I want to know.


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[Assistant] And then you notified Dr. Drew you had to deliver the bad news that he passed.


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[Assistant] You know, some great people make lasting impressions, and I feel like that's gonna be Fed Smokers legacy. It's fucking up Dr. Drew.


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[Assistant] When you're as embedded as him and you're a double secret agent, there's all kinds of different things that could have occurred.


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[Assistant] Do you think between rounds he was drinking spackling water and not still water?


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[Assistant] I mean, if this guy was out and about and he was talking to me this way, I'd be like, you're right. That's totally true.


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[Assistant] Does sparkling water hydrate you the same way still water does?


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[Assistant] Don't you think the carbonation would take away from the hydration aspect of it? No, I wouldn't think so. Oh, okay.


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[Assistant] I'm just wondering if this guy was just like, he had like, you know, his thermos that he'd get like, uh, between rounds at kickboxing and he'd be squirting sparkling water in his mouth. Wouldn't have the same.


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[Assistant] No shit. So he's completely right. We shouldn't be even drinking this fucking piss still waters.


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[Assistant] You know, she, no wonder you know so much about being an aristocrat. Yeah. He's been all over the world.


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[Assistant] I feel like I've been exposed today.


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[Assistant] I know, how many times have we been asked, sparkling or still, and I've ordered the fucking, I guess it just shows what a poor degenerate I am. I always go in still water.


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[Assistant] This is a great session. God, it's like an intervention. Do you think you could leave now? I mean, I really think I should. Yea. I feel like I need to.


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[Assistant] I did. What led to that? I always fuck it up and then I have to start from scratch, you know? And sometimes I like to just mix it up a little bit, you know? Throw, uh, you know, throw down on the razor. Yep. Just go all the way to the face. See what's up. See what's going on under there. You gotta make sure everything's under there is going okay, you know? Yeah, I haven't seen my face in a while.


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[Assistant] Are you scared of what could be possibly underneath it? Probably. Do you ever feel around and you're like is that a lump or something? Like what is that?


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[Assistant] Oh well. The hair will cover it. And then it'll just, out of sight out of mind.


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[Assistant] Good hearted racists out there. Yeaah. That you're just casting aside with the rest of them.


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[Assistant] Well, that's just wrong. He should be more tolerant to racists.


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[Assistant] The stereotype of a racist is that they're a bad person. And I think we need to look beyond that.


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[Assistant] That's, that's gotta be it. He's British. I knew, I sensed an accent. Is he peeled out?


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[Assistant] No, I mean, you wanted to show him to me because of what? I could hear him, understand him.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, no, he did. I mean, like I said, I sensed an accent, then he said bloody, I was like pfft. Riverpool. You nailed it. Yea, yea, yea.


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[Assistant] I mean, if it's there, if it's presented, and you happen to just test the waters, you know? I mean, you can get a good gauge from a visual test when it's staring you right in the face, you know?


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[Assistant] Yeah, you just see a little bit of a darkness. But then every now and then you're like, well I'm a gamer. See what happens. You know? I've never had any adverse effects. I know guys that have had like, borderline food poisoning from eating ass. Yeah, like E. coli kind of shit. Really? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I haven't had anything. I think I'm just, I have a fortitude about me that it hasn't affected me in the same way. That's wonderful. I think so.


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[Assistant] But I mean when you see a real clean one, it's like, how could you pass that up?


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? And I think he's talking about, was he talking about ass or pussy in that sense?


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[Assistant] Yeah, which is smart, you know. That's a real flex though, to be like-


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[Assistant] Yeah, me too. I don't think you go high on an ass. It's like the tailbone. It's not a great spot.


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[Assistant] Well this started out as a real flex where he was like, I didn't even eat today, I ate so much pussy. And then he's like, my dick doesn't work, it's like really collapsed.


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[Assistant] He's saying if your dick doesn't work, you gotta get your oral skills up, which is smart.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't mind that. Ten times, shit. Ten times? Fuck. Must've got that tongue game down.


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[Assistant] It has to be also maybe like, maybe on a special occasion you have like, like Valentine's Day just happened and you could just, maybe you had a special like once a year ass eating. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Or like a vacation, you go to Hawaii and you know, like you just have a really nice dinner.


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[Assistant] Then you get your ass eaten. But it's like a once a year thing, like a vacation kind of thing.


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[Assistant] Cause in a one night stand, you know, it's just like, well I'm gonna do this and I'm just gonna go for bro.


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[Assistant] In the back, she's just too big to move away. She appears to be. She looks, I mean, to the fucking line, that's a steak!


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[Assistant] And then they would be like, hey, we're back. Well also look at that line. I mean, he is heavily sedated.


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[Assistant] I just think, now that you say it's Russia too, I just think the lions are incapable of hurting you because they're just too slow. Like, you, if one was trying to attack you, it would just be like, rrrrrrrrrrrr. Yes. And then you'd be able to run away or whatever. It's really crazy. They're on drugs.


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[Assistant] He's fucked up. He's gotta be. He couldn't even chomp on that arm.


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[Assistant] Oh yea? I want that guy to go chill with the aggressive ones. Yea, yea. See if he can do any of that shit.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna be April 2nd through 4th, Sacramento Punchline, and then May 12th, I'm gonna be at Huntsville, Alabama, at Stand Up Live, May 13th, Nashville, at Zany's, and then May 20th, Chicago, gonna be at, uh, Lincoln Hall, and just announced


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[Assistant] Washington D.C. June 3rd at DCM.


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[Assistant] Yes, there are, if you go to my Instagram or Twitter, there's links all up in that shit.


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[Assistant] That's a fu- a full day of blowing and shitting and eating and cumming and drinking, yea.


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[Assistant] Do they behave better? Cause I'd be interested in implementing this system in our house.


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[Assistant] On the card that was given to me, it asked me to list a few items that I would be interested in somebody getting from me. I'll participate.


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[Assistant] Now, me knowing as pricey as I am, I don't fucking put down.


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[Assistant] I'd rather you had your ignorant ass, your stupid ass, the Walmart, got me a, a, a, a can of X, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh


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[Assistant] They used the tigers to entice him in. So he took a few cubs out to Vegas. So those like bait to get girls?


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it's a good bait to get girls. Who doesn't want to play with a baby tiger?


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[Assistant] He says you're right away and everything, but you're not calling me. Or at least text me and let me know what you're doing. Okay. I love you.


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[Assistant] Damn. So I was chillin' with the Blue Avions today. And they told me, remind the humans that we're here.


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[Assistant] The blue avions are around a ninth to eleventh dimensional light being, and they're here to help us heal the body.


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[Assistant] Hey, are you state patrol? What's your name?


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[Assistant] Hey, bro, I'm on record for a moment. What is this place anyways? What is this place?


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[Assistant] Hey bro, I'm on record for a moment. What is this place anyways? What is this place?