[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna laugh. A lot of good stuff to talk about. Uhm, how about we just get right to that opening clip and get this thing going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not. And I don't know, I also don't know if this is just like a bit, you know, like a fun, a way to talk for a, because the camera's on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, sometimes they're not. It just depends on their body type and their metabolism. I mean, they're skinny drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good sign when you have to weigh the question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's incredible when somebody has the capacity to just keep going with those, just on the volume alone. Volume? Of fluid? I was always, I was never, even at my fattest, I got my fattest, I couldn't handle, I was never one of those guys that could drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beer wise, I've gotten drunk off of beer, but I've never with somebody that was like, I drank fifteen, I could never do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to be drunk like this, yeaah, of course drinking hard liquor is going to get you drunk faster. But if you want to have a good time for a while,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't even spoken to your father that many times and he said it to me, so yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, but it's funny you say that because you're actually, you're mostly a wine drinker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are some broads out there that they can go way harder than you, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. There's some real fucking alcoholic chicks out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's chicks that drink bourbon straight, you know, or Jack and Cokes, vodka, tequila, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think, you know, everybody deserves a couple experiences and then you decide whether or not that's going to change your behavior. Yes. Like for me, I have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be honest with you, most of the time now, when someone's like, we're out, we're having a good time, and someone's like, you want to get another one? A lot of times my brain just goes, you don't want to feel like shit tomorrow. Like, it's not worth feeling like shit tomorrow. I mean, I'm, I'm a really lame drinker. I just don't, I just don't enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, daytime, every time I have a day drink, every time I have a day drink, the first thing that comes to my mind is like, I want to go take a nap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if it's like one drink at noon, I'm like, I want to go lay down. And I don't like feeling like that. I don't want to go lay down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so I'm like, no, it's not fun for me. I like it. I don't like it. I don't like that feeling. I'd rather, I'm definitely, I'm evening, like if I'm gonna have drinks, it's gonna be in the evening. You know, with dinner, I mean, honestly, I'd like a glass of wine with dinner. If we're gonna have drinks,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you what I feel like would be the shit is angel dust. I still feel like that would be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that would, that's like for someone like me, you know, I'm kind of laid back, dude. It, it, you know, it gets you into the moment. It gets you wanting to like, alright, I'll have fun with you tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, people on Angel Dust will fight 10, 12 cops at a time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think I would really hit a new level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the greatest. I mean, Dilaudid, Dilaudid is, you know, medical heroin and it's still, honestly, I mean, the birth of our kids was cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That's why I love surgery. I'm trying to find surgeries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm serious, if you're doubting surgery, go sign up for one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shout out to NASCAR. They fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They rar- they only do like four road courses a year. Normally they're in an oval, you know? But like CODA here, Circuit of the Americas, is a road course, right? Like multiple turns, hairpins, back straight, like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically the Super Bowl or like Spring Break, like it's fucking wild. And out here, it was like way more chill. It was a lot, for me, I was like, this is more my speed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They put on such a good, they throw such a good event. Like they actually, it's the most fan accessible sport, like I'm new to it, I've never been to, except for these last two, but they let like fans walk around on the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the track before and like walk up to the car. Sometimes they get to like run into the drivers. Like most pro sports, they never get to do that shit, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they just put on a really good time. It was, it was super fun. Super fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then there was a venue that fell through. So that was the whole thing. I'm doing it. And then that venue fell through. The other one that he was going to get. Yes, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I remember when he got this, and then it was like, now the build will take place. And that was a long process. I mean, this has been a process. I saw this thing when it was gutted, the building when it was gutted out. And he was like, this is what it's gonna be. And it was just like, a vision, but I was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. A year later, I saw it like at the halfway stage or something. Then I saw it about 80% done. And then I hadn't seen it. And then it opened while I think we were out of town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you did it one night, and then I finally got to do it, uh, on your night. I actually went on your night. And uh, yeaah, he nailed it. It's fuckin' awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I would also say this, I was watching people's sets and it's just fun to be in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody's having a good time. I would highly encourage, uhm, comedians to come here, but also just to do your weekend, like book weekends. Do it at Comedy Mothership. Oh, dog. Like let them know if you're a comic that you want to work there because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hot and it's fun. It's really fun. It reminds me of like the great clubs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the country where you're like, when you go to ComedyWorks in Denver or Acme in Minneapolis where you're like, man, that was fun, shit is fire. It's the same kind of vibe there, like audiences that are stoked to be there and know how to behave and they take their phones, all the bullshit that you wish happened happens there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it is, there is a preference there. Yeaah. I understand that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But branding wise, like if you're, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's incredible though. He's really something. I mean, the fact that he's like, I think you'd find that I'm interesting. I'm a school teacher. I'm active in my church. I'm a ham operator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's perfect for this show. It's the fact that he's shameless, but he's so endearing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd buy you a house if you were alive. Just to fucking have you in here every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by DraftKings. The basketball season is entering its final stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Teams have been competing since October for their shot at the title. Today's video sponsor, DraftKings, is bringing the high stakes action to all new customers. DraftKings Sportswick is offering all new customers $150 in bonus bets if their pregame moneyline wager of $5 cashes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, new customers bet just $5 on any pre-game moneyline wager and new customers will receive $150 in bonus bets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why we react the way we do until we talk through things. BetterHelp connects you with a licensed therapist who can take you on that journey of self-discovery from wherever you are. I'm a huge, huge proponent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been doing it for over a decade and I honestly do not know how I would function day to day. I look forward to it every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like everybody should do it. Literally. There is no downside to therapy. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Better help a try. It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To your schedule just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Discover your potential with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Mom's House today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Mom's House. What do you think she's into?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was like, here's something that obviously is simply, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of makes you, uhm, think about a guy I know that you're a huge fan of, you know? I mean, watching this makes me think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dr. Now, uhm, if you've ever watched any of those extreme weight loss surgeries. So he's like the premier, uh, gastric bypass surgeon, I think in the world, at least in the United States, and I believe he's out of Houston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's, it's impolite, but he's just like, yeah, I don't give a fuck. I've been dealing with these people for 40 years. And he always like, what he does is he'll be like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he makes them do weight loss first. So he, he's like, let's say someone's like 500, 600 pounds. She'll be like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to come back here in a few months and have lost 50, and he weighs them, you know. He puts them on and he's like, alright, you're 600 pounds. You have to weigh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes they'll lose not enough weight. Oh boy. And he's like, sorry, bye bye, you're no strong, you're no fat, you're very fat, bye. And he just walks out, and they're like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He eat like reasonably well and then the shit's gonna lose 50 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a follow-up, like though I'm telling you, he has a follow-up with somebody who like, he told him, lose a certain amount of weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this person, this is a unique one, so he said you played, so this person,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did follow the protocol to get the surgery, then got the surgery and has reverted probably back to their old ways. And he's pissed. He's like, you tricked me. You made me think you were going to do it and now you're not doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen that before. At least she's walking. And shoved him. Shoved him to open the door. You're making me mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you, my point is also though that you need a, you need a doctor like this. Not, cause so many of them would be like, well, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now it's up to you. And then they just walk out of the room. But he's actually like, the fuck are you doing? Yeah. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think uhm, do you think that a doctor like him would have spoken to uhm, my friend that we had a dinner with?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had, we had, uh, dinner with a friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, regular non-showbiz friend, uhm, came to dinner with his wife. I started to call him Ira. I was like, you old fucking Jew dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'd go to dinner and then he's like, does this have tomatoes? And they're like, oh yeah. And he's like, I can't handle that. And I was like, what are you fucking 85?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we go, we worked out and, you know, I just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he paused. That's actually an interesting point. Cause I re- he go- the lady goes, are there any food allergies? And he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like he thought, should I say? Should I lie? And then he goes, well, I can't have, and I told her, I go, no allergies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause if you take allergy, it like restricts the food for the table. I was like, he's not allergic to anything. I did it for him and he was like, yeah, I just don't eat. And then she goes, oh, okay, I'll tell the chef. I go, tell the chef there's no allergies. There are no allergies here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not going to go into antiphylactic shock. And she's like, she's like, oh, okay. He goes, yeah, I just, you know, I, it doesn't agree with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our boys, we have this li- it's small. It's a pretty small enclosed trampoline. Yes. For like, an adult can go on it, but it's not, it's not like one of those big ones. It's a little one in the backyard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, it has like the nets around it and it's for kids really, but an adult can go on it with a couple of kids, let's say. So I get on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, jump, jump high dude, come on. And they're, you know, doing their normal, come on dad, don't be a shit. So, jumping, having fun, and then I'm like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm out of here. And then they call him, they're like, come on, Ira. And so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, okay. And he's more like a little more cautious. So there's a zipper on the side. So you open the zipper and he crawl, you have to crawl in, right? Cause it's like, it's enclosed and as he's crawling in, he's, he's on all fours immediately. The two of them jump on him. Ellis puts his, him in a headlock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, you see him go from 1 to 10, panicked. He's like, hey, hey, guys, stop, stop. And I was like laughing. I was like, this is boys, dude. This is what little boys are like. He's like, I don't like, he starts like trying to push them off and they're like, I'll choke you out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our little, our youngest, he's four, the other night we had a guest over and he goes, he goes, good night, and don't forget to eat shit. And I was like, hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their teenage boy was so sweet. And I was like watching him deal with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did have this, you were fascinated with watching the visiting teenage boy eat. You were like, this is awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had like five slices and he's like skin and bones, you know, body's still growing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well look, let's take a quick break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to make peachy. Me too. And we'll be back in a moment with our guests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For people that don't know, you have guests on. You usually have comedians, sometimes actors. We're starting to branch out a little bit. But everybody has a past. Everybody has how they grew up. And the premise essentially of the podcast is you get to know someone's background.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you guys are, have great chemistry together. Thank you. But you basically find out, did somebody grow up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all have a certain, there's something that's very similar about all of us. We all have a thing that's like, we all need that approval, we all want to be accepted, we all want to be told, I want to make you laugh, you want to make, we all have that. But then it's like, the difference is in like, how did you become this broken person? Yeaah. Is really the story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you, have you had the surprise, because I've, I've met people before, like I just met somebody who was so down to earth, and they weren't just, oh grew up wealthy, this person grew up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In one of the rare, like, another tier of, like, the oh my god, the B word. And sometimes people like that, uhm, they reek of that, and sometimes they're so, so low key, you're like, holy shit. Have you had someone on yet where you're like, oh wow, you grew up in, like, the upper echelon of society? Not really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, I was at a stadium and I met this person and later on the person who introduced me to him was like, you know that he owns the stadium? And I was like, he owns this stadium?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there are, there are, I know a few people that are, grew up with, I mean, like astonishing poverty, who are so polite and well-mannered and well-groomed. In other words, like, they're classy people, but they grew up with nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I laugh so hard because I, you know, I do so many pot, you forget moments, but I was like scrolling and it was when I was on your podcast. It was just a little clip and you go, do you collect anything Chinese stars? Cause that is such a trashy kid thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so you guys are having, back to your, so you're doing gigs and you're having these long drives, you're having conversations, getting to know each other, and then do you kind of go, we should do this as a part, do you figure it out? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we started, it's like now 11 years ago, you could be, you could go like, I don't know, it's just us shooting the shit, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you have to target something specific. Because if you're just like, it's just me and my buddy and we talk shit. No one gives a fuck about that. But if you actually have an actual, it's a focus on, it's about a specific thing, those are the ones that seem to be able to stand out and pop now. And that's what you've done with this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, I got you. Now, did you, when growing up, use a washcloth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'd never even heard or seen anybody be like, here's a washcloth for the shower. I'd never seen it. Until I was in college and some of my poorer friends, I befriended them, they would go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just hands and soap, that's all. I'd never even heard of this. You can't scrub with that though. But here's the thing that I've been finding. I'm finding that there is a direct socioeconomic correlation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People who grew up middle class, lower middle class, almost always use them. Almost everybody that I've spoken to that grew up upper class, they're like, never used that, never heard of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I suggest adding washcloth to the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yes, and I feel like you're gonna find a direct correlation to- Someone's upbringing. Yes, with that. I think it's a big reveal. Were you a washcloth family?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Allspice had a really, uhm, like, fascinating rebranding. They did. Where they were like, that's trashy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have the natural, like, uh, a women's razor, a disposable razor, has the natural, like, they put that cream in it. The softy stuff. Yea, it's so much nicer on your skin. So much better. Soft it up a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a whole series of these and he tells people like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's one word. No, no, no, you're right, it's a... A singular Lenovo. Yeah, what a singular Lenovo is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just tell me. I forget. Well, do you think it's a cheetah or a leopard is basically it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's your vote on this? What is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Do you guys, did you agree? Did you disagree?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, good job. You did a really good job. Yeah. We're all proud of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My family wouldn't buy Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Really? Yea, but my neighbor would. I would go over there and then the big payoff was just drinking the milk at the end. Yea. It was just sugary milk. My mom wouldn't buy any


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She loves it. And we'll have the fresh parm, sliced, and she'll reach for shaky cheese over that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is kind of a study in like, because like, the oldest he's seven, kid has access to a lot of stuff, he literally will be like, you know, I want this snack, sometimes takes, I don't know, three or four bites, he's like, I'm good, and just leaves them. So you're like, wow, giving a kid the option to eat stuff, you know, he doesn't want just bad food all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I was specific enough about this though, that it wasn't just like how much for this dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I love. Well, here's the thing. I don't eat slices, but nothing is better on a burger for me than American cheese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get bummed when, even though I've had, you know, countless burgers with cheddar, whatever you have, American on a burger. It is really good. I love it. But it's not that wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, probably like in college or something, that like A1 is basically to mask a shittier steak. Sure. That like if you're getting like, so I didn't, and like as I discovered, it's like oh yea, the uh, the steak,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we're at this Argentine restaurant, like there's no, that's like, Argentina is, you know, Texas, right? So it's all, it's just steaks, nothing but steaks. Steaks and milk. And they go, yeah, exactly. So the server is like, okay. And then a different guy comes out of the back, who's in like street clothes like me, and he goes, is there a problem?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would petrify me. And I was like, like this, and my dad goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Towards the, towards the end of his life, cause I would work on this. I would take him to like these amazing restaurants. I'd be like, I would go, could you do me one favor? I could get, get whatever you want. Will you take one bite without that shit on it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'd start to do it. And then one time, you know, he gets this like fucking, I don't know what it is, like some crazy bone in ribeye or wagyu. And he takes it, he goes, guess what? This doesn't even need A1.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember basically, I don't know, probably in my twenties having that first


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they'll be, there'll be rarer pieces in the middle. You want to hear one. This is wild. Dave Oaken, shout out to Dave O. The greatest tour manager on God's, he's my tour manager. He's amazing. Just on top of everything. Knows production, knows, just, he runs the show. He just did this crazy 300 show tour with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, everywhere, we've gone to like world class restaurants on this tour. He eats his steak. He says, butterfly it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Well done. So he wants it split?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then cook the shit out of it. We were at...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were in Argentina at Don Julio, one of like the premier, like the destination places to go to in Buenos Aires, and we go there, and it's a whole show, and it's just like this unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're in this place where the guy's like not really speaking English that well and he's like telling him, he's like, I like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? I thought he was doing a bit. I thought he was doing a bit. I was like haha. And the guy's like enjoy. And he's like no, no, no. Put it back on the grill. And the guy was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, put it back. And I told him, I was like, explaining to the guy, I go, no, he wants it more. And he goes, yeah, it's too, too much. But here's the thing, there's always a story. Cause I was like, why do you like it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you like it this cooked, right? He's like, make it beef jerky. I'm like, why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a kid, his father liked basically


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I went to, I went to the only school that accepted me. You've never heard of it. It's called Lenore Ryan in North Carolina. And she actually went to a real...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a way to prepare them, I don't know, Google basted fries, where I had the best french fry I've ever had. And I was like, why is this so perfect? And they're like, they're basted. Could have been cooked in duck fat or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a certain, I don't know, look for an actual recipe, like I hit a recipe on base to french fries. Cause the way that they describe it at a restaurant, I was like, they just broke a certain, you know what I mean, they had like a certain texture to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, this is just too good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a, there's a, uhm, a hotel, I wanna say it's in Lexington, Kentucky, that is the best french fry I've ever had. Really? Yea. Yea. Yea, it was, it was, it was exceptional. For a while it was Wendy's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your, what's your go to, uhm, delivery pizza? Like chain like that? Yea, chain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if it was your birthday, you know, you'd do a happy birthday, but he would play like, like, uh, theme songs and things that any kid would want to request. Chuck E. Cheese or something? Nah, but it wasn't a Chuck E. Cheese. It was like, uh, it was one of the shittier knockoffs, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remembering the dining fat of pizza and pie. Oh. Oh, so that was a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I don't wanna go to fu- I was so over the repetition of these places, I was like, why don't we just find like a good spot to eat? And they were like, what's wrong with that? I was like, it's not that it's wrong, I'm just like, we're in another city, like there's options here. Let's go find a fucking place to eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So these are my curations. Any way that you feel is okay. Just know that. These are usually an emotional ride. I haven't seen these. They're all picked by her and we just, I don't know. Let's just start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's like when people, I don't know, they see you, like, with a beard, and they go like, you look like Zach Galifianakis, and you're like, okay, I have a beard, and they're like, that's the, you know, they just think of somebody they know, that has one quality that you have. I get Bobby Moynihan a lot. Okay, yeah, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely, it's definitely for chicks. This is for female, um, approval and, and, and, you know. It's so cringe worthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a very specific lane of TikTok, which is like, I have no idea how to entertain it. Like I'm just going to list things like I had, there was milk today and yeah, it's raining outside. I don't know what color I want in my hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yeaah dude. It's an impressive place, but it was just to check out a piece of workout equipment. I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm buying this workout and I was like, I don't know if I want to use this. Can you get this? He's like, well, we make one. Like one of the guys was like, I make...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, I go, I'd like to try it before I commit to buying it. He goes, why don't you go over to Mark's house? I was like, alright, Mark has one. And then he goes, then he texts me, he's like, hey Mark, this is Tom, and I was like, what's up man? And then he goes, oh, just so you know, you know, Mark is the Undertaker. I'm going to the Undertaker's house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, he was like, hey, what's up? But like from in the driveway and I was like, hey man. I was like, yeah, I didn't know. I got a text that I'm going to the Undertaker site. He goes, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, just like, you know. Some characters. Yeah, yeah, and he couldn't have been nicer. Yeah, he seems awesome. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he was telling me about the era when he was doing 250 matches, like days of matches a year. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to like Wednesday to like Tulsa and do a show. Forever until he had more juice it was twos, doubles. They do two matches a day. So you do the whole thing and then you just like have a beer and a steak and then like do it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he was a super, super sweet guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a good, that is a good rule though. Don't fuck your, your, your friend's ex. I even had in college, a guy who I, like, we were friends and then we kinda like weren't, and his ex came over to my place one night. And just put it on me, like put it fully on me. What are these horrors?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it wasn't like I think I could, like she just went for it, and I said no, because he's my friend. It's a great guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, this would be too much to deal with. Another guy had the same opportunity with the same girl. And did. And it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you garbage right now? Buy tickets to the stay trashy tour at are you garbage dot com. Make sure you go and download and subscribe. Watch on YouTube. Are you garbage? It is such an entertaining podcast. And of course, of course, get it on the Patreon, the greatest website in the whole wide world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can go say, oh, go get on your meds again, you nutter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it made, it put us all, like when people would ask me on the plane, what do you do for a living? And I'd say I'm a pro skateboarder. They'd be like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean like Tony Hawk? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, like Tony Hawk. But before that, they would say, oh, interesting. Did he, what, do you sell t-shirts for it or something? Like they didn't understand that you could have a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we've known each other for- I mean, I knew him before he knew me, obviously. Sure. Because he was Tony Hawk and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Move to America and then competed with him and he would say, what's up Jason? And I'd be like, Hey Tony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be like, fucking knows my name! And then that progressed a little bit and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I think maybe we might've got drunk at a bar or something and he was laughing at me and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not fake. You like the way I talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] inappropriate for sure. And he was laughing his ass off and I'm like, you know what? We might, we could be friends. And then we became friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And skated with each other, but then it was more of a, like some of my other friends that are skateboarders would say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How the fuck are you and Tony Hawk friends? I'm like, what do you, I get what you're saying, but he's not like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's your scene too. And there's no faking it. It's my scene. Comedy and skateboarding is its own, you're not allowed in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And nobody really ever caught on. I think there was a few people, but we were all too drunk to pay attention to it. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you, if you, especially if you won, like if you won, then you're drunk, like for a couple of days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to do it just because I would go on tour with him and he was married and he'd show up at the con- at the club and everyone's like, oh my god, Tony Hawk's here and I'm like, he's married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had hair, I had hair, and I was like, I'm not. And I've got an accent. Do you wanna see me jerk off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, dude, I just watched your leg like fly the opposite way. Then you straightened it, but it was still like when your shorts got pulled up, it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did a trick called a backside boneless where you fly into the air and you put one foot on the coping and you stand on that one foot and then you jump back in and land on both feet on the board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the broken leg that isn't attached, that's the leg that's standing on the coping. And he did that. And if you're good, that's still a difficult trick to do. But when your leg is not attached to your leg and you do it for like an hour until you make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He never acts tough, you know, like I am like, uuuh, like when I skate I'll slam and I'll be like, fucking yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That didn't even hurt like some, I'm just blowing smoke up my own ass to try and seem scary. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is at the ramp doing this trick with his leg not attached and I'm just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see the video and I'm like, you're a fucking maniac. Do you know that? Like your level of tough now is like, if this will never happen, but if we got angry at each other and he was like, fuck you, dude, I'm knocking you out. I would be seriously worried because what is up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, well, at first, he's posing, is my opinion. Yeah, I was posed, I posed the first three. But I'm not saying that, obviously. And then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I could do the 900, spin the 900 and then, uh, be alive at the end of it. That was as close as I got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I love about comedy is when you bum, you don't have to go to hospital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like if you're that as good as you guys are, like the competitive nature to me, bombing is you failed. You know, I'll go home and sit on the couch and just sit there going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? Why did you do that? Cause I got this evil coach that's like, you fucking suck. That's why you did that. I'm like, I'm trying. It just started. You should quit. Everybody there thinks you should quit. You should quit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes me, somebody, a relative gave him a skateboard back that he used to own when, back in the 80s or whatever, and he checked it out in the kitchen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My leg feels attached now, I'll skate. And then he skates through the kitchen past his wife who goes, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine after Tom did that basketball slam, they taped his arm back on, and like three days later, he's in the kitchen bouncing the ball going, hey babe, I'm gonna go dunk with Bert! Like, you would go, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you're older, if you're, if you're as old as me, there's not one. At all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, for the most part. And they probably slept with one of us. And for me, that means you're off limits now. So if you're like the cute chick that loves skateboarding, then if, you know, somebody that was one of the better guys,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dated you for a couple weeks, then I'm not doing that. So there goes that. But when he got famous and the video game thing happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we became like a little bit accepted as celebrity athletes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if you didn't know me, you were just like, wait, you're on tour with Tony Hawk? That's worth having sex with. And I'm like, yeah, I guess it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there was a time there where I was doing really well just from being like, uh, off the side of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you gotta have daddy issues, cause you like a bad boy. You want to sleep with me because I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. So you should probably blow me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a spider web that goes in towards my butthole and then my wife stick and poked a love heart around my actual butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is sweet. Right? Yeah, that is sweet. Why do I not believe you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, nah, top of the heads. Top of the heads. I was gonna guess. Really? I was gonna guess, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I help my breath every time. When did the, uhm, when did you do the head?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was when I thought that I was like a radio God and I will never need to get a job. I finally have fuck you money. Like I don't, I can look like anything I want. Yeah, but you're a podcaster now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes. It doesn't, it's, it's not bad for comedy too. Yeah. Cause I look scary, but I'm gay, so it kinda works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or when it comes to bears, cause bears hit me up sometimes. I don't want to sound, it doesn't matter. I, I, like, if you're a bear, if you're a nice person, you could suck me off. But I don't want to, I don't want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pretty, I'm decent for a bear, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think making out with a guy is the gayest thing I do. I feel like buttfucking is like second. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Legend Comedy gets taken over by professional yo-yoers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the point where it's usually nine magicians and one comedian. And that's your life. You go backstage and it's like, hey man, do you want to see a fucking trick? No! I don't want to fucking see any of your shit. Ever!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which would have been okay for me. One or the other, yeaah. I'm okay for that. The car's running into you, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a cover-up. It's a comb-over. That's the comb-over? Yeah. I knew it from the get-go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like not as hot as I was, I thought I was hot. And now I'm not. So I'm killing all these things to try to like make something else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I'm trying to get out of the hole, man. I feel like if you just run from it, then you start doing all this other shit that's bad for you. I just want to be free from all the bullshit, so I find just admitting it is bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel happier about my day to day being okay with admitting all the stuff that I do. Cause I feel like there's so many of me out there that don't admit it. And I remember what that was like. Like I used to drink and do a bunch of stuff to not face the fact that I might be different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he just started to realize that it's probably not going to work out for him. Oh, because of your fight experience? Yeah, I'm way better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't think it's that crazy to say. I think he just realized that and he was like, my knees are sore. And I was like, how sore or what injury do you have? And the doctor was like, he might have a torn meniscus. I was like, dude, I don't have a meniscus. Yeah, don't say that to us. And then what? He just said it's over? Just backed out. And then I handled it unprofessionally. What'd you do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I called him out on social media, called him a pussy and all that stuff. And so then his fans, and then we yelled at each other on the phone. I text him back and said, I apologize for, uh, you know, getting angry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After all this time, you know, cause I don't wanna fight anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, one more at 51, and I'm giving this guy the opportunity to, cause you're not good enough to have a real pro fight, we'll kill you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think he thought, you know, Jason's 51, he's a skateboarder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when it got closer, I think other people that train are like, just so you know, dude, like the dude has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am, I'm like a C-list pro fighter, like I can grapple, I can do everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm not playing. I don't play. Like if I'm going to do this fight, I'm going to be on weight. I'm going to be doing all these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, full on. I already had like all these people that I'm hiring to be in the best shape of my life, but it's the fight. I don't like fighting. I like the sport, but I'm not a guy that's like, I want you to bleed. But for a fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, and I have to get into this mindset that I don't really appreciate anymore. It's kind of embarrassing. Like wanting people to be in pain is, it sounds embarrassing when I think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't want to, but now it looks like maybe Tyrone Woodley or Patty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I've fought a bunch of UFC fighters at Alice Mania, because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think my brain can take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they were like, let's just get somebody else to fight. I would be happy with that. That's how much I, I really was quitting. Like when Lewis wanted to do this fight, I remember going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll go to Columbia and I'll get stem cells again to get on my limbs to work better and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we'll do this, but I really don't, I'm okay with hurting at skating again, because that's what I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's way better now because back then he was more of a younger audience and kind of didn't unleash himself as often. We'd be live and we'd have kids call in like, how do I do an Ollie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then people that listen to my show would call and say, how do you come while you're sitting on a motorcycle backwards? And that would, that would clash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had sex in a shopping cart, rolling down a hill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it started to roll off the side of the road and go towards the curb, so I couldn't finish because I had to get out and save the lady. Save the lady. I was like, if we tip over. Was that for video? No, no, it was just going home from a club and I saw a shopping cart and I was like, you know, it'd be pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it depends on who's asking, because there's appropriate and inappropriate answers to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I have a friend that has a glory hole in his house, like a built-in one. And, uh, sometimes-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, it's in Hollywood and depends on what he wants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wears women's clothing, like all lingerie stuff, and he's kinda hairy so it looks weird, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wears a mask. He doesn't want anyone to see his face. I'm friends with him, so I've seen his face, but this is the scenario and then he'll have somebody else watch or he's had me come over to fist somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry dude, I never fisted before. I'm not a, I'm not into it, I never thought that I'd be into it, but I am interested in seeing it. If someone's gonna offer to see that, I'll go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, do you want to fist him? And I was like, I don't know, like I got pretty big hands. You sure that's okay? And he's like, yeah, let me teach you. So I got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did this person just kept like saying thank you to me and the guy kept telling me, telling him that he has to say thank you for me. And then at one point I was just punching him in the butt like one, two, one, two, one, two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and I trimmed my nail. He told me trim my nails, like make sure it's no... Yeah, just sorry dude, they asked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We told me before I came to get ready for it. Oh, get ready for it. And he has a guy there that has injected himself, uh, in the balls and in the penis and in the, like he has a giant fake butt and this crazy old school tribal tattoos all over him. Looks like a scary guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And these balls are like this big. With injections. Yeaah, with injections, and his penis is gigantic, but it doesn't get hot, it's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying I've been with somebody similar. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big scary people. I like weird- I'm like, I've never done that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of stuff. It's like a pregnant ladies balls. You can take it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the greatest night of my career. That was so rad. Like people DM me for like a week after like, did you run that? I'm like, yeah, I know. I don't know why, but yeah, I was there. I was so much fun with you. It was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for having me. Can I plug my show? Yea, of course plug the show. I mean, Hawk vs. Wolf, but I also do the Jason Allis show. I'm desperate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you tired man? Go take a nap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where it fuckin' belong. Have a good day. Remember, don't let him kill ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite thing you ever ever ever did to a waiter, you know the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember getting people, like, everything was salt and pepper, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple damnies. I like when she's like, oh, I could talk real good. So fuck you, you fuckin' bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're sending me straight, they're leveling me out. Yeaah. Just starting to take baby steps. Baby steps. Yeaah. So that's why, you know, it's still kind of look a little bit the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all about easing in to the hard work. You don't want to just start at a tenth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, that was when we both got a massage and they started uppercutting me in the asshole and I tried to see how he was reacting and he was fast asleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he would take as many naps as he could. It was, sometimes, you know what he would do? He would always do this thing where, uh, if he was driving me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I do- yeah, if someone's like super nice to me, I don't trust them. It's like, especially if you're just a stranger right off- like when I moved to Texas, it was a real culture shock. You're just like, wait, what? Why are you talking to me like that? You just wanna know how my day is? What the fuck do you want from me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have two older sisters and I think it would, it would be beginning to be the, uh, the uncoolness phase of our relationship. Really? Yeah. And I would be furious if they fucked any of my friends. It's, you don't, you don't contaminate the pools.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. Uhm, it's been quite the week here at YMH Studios. There is no other topic. Well, there's actually two. Uh, one is that our very own native


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, as Jaybird, as he's known around these parts, is, has been challenged to run the New York City Marathon in November, and he accepted, and everyone's very excited about that. You can't tell by his face, but he's thrilled to be doing it, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have, uh, I'm lining stuff up, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've already, we already have, uhm, I mean right now I've got Mark Bell leaving me messages, I've got the Ways to Well people reaching out to do your blood work, uhm, I've got a couple other things, PT's that are going to be lined up, and uhm, nutrition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, okay, do you think it's just because all you're thinking about is what sucks about running and then you go like, man, it's just gonna, I'm just gonna suffer. This is just about five months of suffering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really do, one thing I've noticed in these conversations, you really latch on to the pain aspect, like this is all going to be painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna, here's the thing, you're not gonna run like a fucking deer into this thing. You're gonna learn, no really, it's about doing this low speed,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Low impact, you know, like it's a style of running that actually takes a minute to learn because you're not going to be just sprinting at, at this thing. And look man, if your body really rejects what you're doing, then it's going to reject what you're doing. And, you know, but you're not just going to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thrown into the fire, uh, to try to get, we're not, no one's trying to hurt you, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the big thing now is, and it is an adjustment, is going to be completely, completely adjusting your diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's scary. Yeah. I do think you should get that therapist on the line. Yeah, me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even that, what you're saying right now is a real sign to analyze, right? Yeah. In that the thing that, that is making you dissociate is objectively a good thing for you and that is scary and you're dissociating from that. So it's like, what is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's really going on? Do you want to, you can keep living the way you're living, everything, you know, you're not gonna pay the price for that in the short term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, it's like, look better, feel better, be healthier, longevity, move better, have more energy, all these things that are huge, huge benefits, but it'll take...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's scary. But here's the thing, you have a huge support network.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not the thing to focus on. I think we'll figure out that time. There will be a reward for getting there in another time. I think what's more exciting is a punishment if you don't. That's something we didn't talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the, I don't know, what can we take from him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Irish pride, you know? Irish and proud. Kiss me, I'm Irish. Oh, a tramp stamp! A huge Celtic flag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trans chick that's like all over all the internet right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fucking chick. She blew up because, well, because she ate a lot, but she-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got a lot of press because she, uhm, she did a big podcast. There's like this big dating podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every, every day, I see a new thing from her. Uhm, I wanna know the backstory though, behind this person, before they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, she's everywhere. She's everywhere. They, they do these, um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first one I saw was, was her being dubbed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When she spoke, they just put Jabba the Hutt over her voice. It was fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This summer, it's not about the size of those cannonballs. It's about making a splash with our friends at Manscaped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prep for barbecue season by making sure the grillmaster has the hottest dogs anyone's ever seen. When you're at the cookout, let the meat speak for itself with Manscaped's perfect package 4.0.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time to get ready, not sweaty, by going to Mayescape.com. Use the code MOM for free shipping and 20% off your order. I've been using Mayescape for quite some time and I gotta tell you, I have a very smooth bag and surrounding area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd love to show you, but it's a violation of YouTube's, uh, rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in person, I think it's a violation of certain laws and certainly it's some ethical and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Moral things come up there, but believe me, it's real smooth down there. The Manscaped Performance Package 4.0 has everything you need. Guarantee you'll have the most mouth-watering treats at the party, and believe me, that's where you want that stuff to go. Inside the package, you'll find their Lawn Mower 4.0 Trimmer, the Weed Whacker Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So get 20% off in free shipping by going to Manscaped.com and use the code MOM. That's right, that's 20% off with free shipping at Manscaped.com. Use the code MOM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May escape the perfect way to get your patties sizzling hot this summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's trans? Uhm, I mean yeaah, she's always like, I can get any man I want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, and no one knows this person's story, right? Does anyone know? Phew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, that's except from something else. So she does this thing where like, I'm a bad bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then people are like, stop, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you just see, you're like, this person doesn't give a fuck what anybody thinks. And when people are like, I don't give a fuck, I, you know, it's, it's, yeah, it's different. It's different. Yeah. Um, yeah, but these, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I could reach out to it. Cause I, I don't remember any other names.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was working at Copelson Entertainment. Uhm, for people that don't know, Copelson was the, uh, the people that did, uhm, The Fugitive. You know, those are like my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm, I'm sitting there interning and then I become, I do, uh, script, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People like me, the interning there, and assistants. And all of them have, uhm, aspirations to be executives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Running studios and things like that. And I'm, I know that I'm not gonna do that. And so I, I'm like, they're, but they're all young. They're, all the assistants are young. And so one weekend, this group, we all go out, uhm, and we start at one bar and we go to another bar and I'm drinking like crazy in that what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I just have like a lot of anxiety about how to be in this environment and I start drinking a lot dude. I'm drinking a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm having, I forget what it was, but it was definitely, I'm drinking mixed drink, like cocktails, you know, like screwdrivers or like Jack and Cokes or something, and I'm putting them down. I mean, I'm putting them down. One after the other, after the other, after the other. I'm probably 10 or 12 deep in these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we end up, what was the uhm, the, it's like, it's called a, it has a sushi, it was a sushi bar on Sunset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, we're standing around, and it's pretty late.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're in a circle and I start telling a story. I'm like, I'm holding court. And it's like a full circle of people. It's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four people from the office and then a couple other people that are just like kinda with us, you know, like someone's girlfriend, someone's boyfriend. And as I'm talking, and I have a friend with me, I just, I talk and I, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, in the middle of the story, I vomit. Like I puke. In, on the floor at Miyagi, like a huge pool of vomit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the reason that I even know this story because it was told to me, I don't remember it. I had like vague memories of it. They go, the person I was with goes, so you vomit, like all over. And then you do that thing, like you know when someone's done puking where they spit, they go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go back, I don't go back, I'm taken back by my two roommates at the time to the apartment. My one roommate, uhm, helps, like, place me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the bed and like face down, cause they're like, he's gonna puke again. And guess what? I puke again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I walk out into the living room, that part I remember, and I see Chuck, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened last night? He's like, oh, you're alive, dude? That's good. And I'm like, what? I'm like, did we? And he's like, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a full blackout drunk experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other part that was crazy, like he recapped that whole story to me and like getting me back and he was like, you were such a fucking lunatic. Is that I had to go back to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would you do that Gar? Go to his like, actual account page real quick, if you could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you scroll? I'm trying to find out the last time I comment. Cause I did comment re- I don't comment that often, but I did recently. And it was one of my last ones. Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, go that way. That one's from November. Okay, go to, yea, above it. I mean, like, click on, start clicking on them. He does look better though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, they're, you know what? Maybe they're, oh no, they're still YMH comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, hit that. Let's see, Dolly Parton. I need a man who wears a cowboy hat. Mmm. Alright, maybe he's trying to- it seems like he's getting a little more like, real comments. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I have two tickets. Sure will. Love your music and your humor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leave tea alone. Well, they know. So that's just recent, right? That's like a couple of days. So yeaah, it's uhm, anyway, so I can't, I don't even see him on Instagram anymore. It doesn't even come up for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've definitely gone to a profile of someone I followed and it says, like it says blocked from this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, okay. Well, uhm, yeaah, it's been a while, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is him, this is what I love. This is such a, it's such a country guy thing to do too. He's unboxing his own stuff and is getting excited about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is some weird shit. The fact that every time there's something charity related, that he's like, hey, uh, um, hey, uh, Jimmy, what emotions should I do for charity? And then they're like, uh, just laugh it up. And he's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] HastaShape is the strongest, comfortable mouth tape on the planet designed for strong jaws and works well with facial hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is made to reduce or even eliminate storing caused by mouth breathing. Some people think it's dangerous if they won't wake up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I have a stuffy nose right now. I sleep with hostage tape on my mouth. It has incredible benefits. For me, what happens is my nose actually takes over. Uhm, there is no


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like restraint, you don't feel like you have, or you're being held captive. It's not like that. It's soft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you want to open your mouth, your mouth pops it right open. It has, it's crazy how much it can reduce or eliminate your snoring. I use it. I'm a big fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Head to hostagetape.com slash mom for the one plus one equals three special offer. That's buy two get a third free at hostagetape.com slash mom for life-changing sleep and a 100% money back guarantee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get a 90 day supply of hostage tape which equals just 55 cents a day at hostagetape.com slash M-O-M. Believe me, this stuff really works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, this is not the time for catchy funny shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he was big on, I have a very accessible ticket price. That was his big thing. And then I think this Vegas show is where it all went sideways. Cause people got really upset about the Vegas ticket prices. Uh, like really upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is from StubHub. This is from StubHub. So what, these are secondhand tickets, right? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's also second. I mean, what happens is these really big artists, the tickets get scooped up and then they just go straight to scalping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it would get to this point at some time, you know, and then I thought I was actually in the clear. I just, I thought that they were just gonna, you know, why pushback is just gonna create more. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always been a big, you know, I'm definitely upping the engagement on your stuff. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, you know, uhm, Sexy Rex? Sexy Rexy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this was SexyRexie here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like right after we spoke to him, they did another post. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where he's in the sauna, he's in a turkish bathhouse. Looks great. Yea, look at that, look at that, look how jacked he is. So jacked. So jacked. He's got two footsies on him. Yep. One's covering his dong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that when she's ready, she'll let me know. She'll give me the cues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is important. I always ask, if you had a magic wand, what would be your perfect man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I let them tell me how they want to be treated and then I follow instructions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't tell you how many women have told me, wow, you don't go down on me like a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most men just put their whole face in it. Way too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially if there's stubble involved. I'd personally recommend shaving your face right beforehand. Shave that shit down until it feels like a baby's ass. If you're not gonna do that, at the very least, you've got to lead with the lips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use the tongue gently. And don't go straight for the clitoris. Aim for one o'clock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even then, there's got to be preparation unless you want the whole house smelling like baby diapers. So always ask, always always ask!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ask if she's comfortable with fingers. Ask if she's comfortable with penetration. Ask if she's into verbal. A lot of women don't want to hear a fucking word. It scares them. So you better ask. Also, and this one might be surprising, a lot of women don't want to go face to face. If you're kissing them or being too intimate, they might lock up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll make it very clear that the intimacy scares them. It's a heartbreaking thing because it usually means there's been some trauma. If that happens, just stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just stop and hold them. Don't ask them to explain unless they choose to tell you. Just hold them. Maybe the sex will come later when they're more comfortable. Maybe it never comes at all, and that's fine. Just be a gentle soul that can hold for as long as they need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People got, really, I mean that's like 171, what are the comments under this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just missed out on that. This is a lot for a Monday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well he definitely does understand boundaries, I would say that. I would give him...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really wanna know what I like? And he just cracks you across the face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, let's take a quick break and we will be right back. Oh no!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been a minute since we've seen our good friend who you can now see on tour all over the place. You can get tickets right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this boundless, endless energy that he has. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On days where we land in another country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we go to, we work out and then you go eat and then you go do a show and then he goes and shoots pool and then the next day he's doing UFC shit for seven hours and then he's like, do you want to get up in the morning? I'm like, wait, how are you doing this man? His energy is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm setting them up. So I got step one, I got ways to well doing a full blood panel, do all the system, we're doing a DEXA scan, got a nutritionist coming, running coach, personal trainer. Look at all the stuff they have to do for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you hear, but like, here's the thing, even though you guys are, are, are different, the thing is, he's even saying it, like his head is, is clearer, he's got more energy, it's the same shit we were talking about. You feel better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, the real thing for all this, the thing for, I mean, marathon running, you know, the people who do them, will lay out how to get ready for them. But the whole thing is, you really gotta change what you're putting in your body. Right. You know? Eating. And like, you're not gonna run,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At your weight now. So you're gonna, like, by changing what you eat, you're gonna start being in a, you need to be in a caloric deficit. That's like number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's hard because you're going to be hungry and you're going to want to eat. But when you're in a caloric deficit, you're going to lose weight. And when you lose weight, it's easier to run. Because it's just harder to run when you're heavier. No doubt about it. So it's harder on your joints, and on your lungs, and you know, your cardio capacity is going to be taxed by your weight. But as you lose weight, you know, it gets easier to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's, that's the thing that's the scariest, I think, is cause you're like, right now, you just show up, you eat whatever you want, whenever you want, and there's just like, who cares? But you have to make this adjustment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who actually, cause you told me and then I saw a photo, I called him yesterday, I talked to Diaz yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he really actually made some changes. Like he, uhm, and he sounded great. Like talking to him on the phone, he had totally different energy to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at his face, looks great. Yeah, that's really good. I mean, Joey, 60 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Him going through his regimen is always crazy. There used to be this thing where I would call him, I go, you want to podcast this week? He goes, when? I go, Monday. He goes, who the fuck podcasts on a Monday? Okay, Tuesday. He's like, I swim Tuesdays. I go, how about Wednesday? He goes, I got jujitsu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He always had his, like, plan for the week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But everybody would call it Joey's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was my favorite thing for people that missed that when I was talking to her about like being a bookie. And I was like, what if uhm, what if somebody didn't have the money? You know? What if it's uh, it's Monday and they don't have the money? And she, and she goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trashing him? Yea, exactly. He was just, he was so good at that. Like anybody who got any juice going, he'd be like, look at this fucking dork's show. And then he would just play their show and make fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you go through all the frustrations that new golfers go through? Oh, it's crazy. Did you get lessons?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a crazy, like, it's also, it's a state also where everyone's like, oh, you know, uhm, somebody like, walks into your, onto your property. You can definitely just shoot them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's no like, they don't go like, oh, have you looked into the law? They're like, yeah, we have and you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, some states, they're like, someone can be in your home and you have to be like, hey, you need to leave my house. Like you have to like talk to them. You're not allowed to, to, to, to like show a weapon to somebody in certain states. And here they're like, no, no, no. Like somebody comes onto your property. Yeah. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now even the, uhm, the boat, uh, police here, they're just like, hey, hey, hey, and you see the lights and you're like, ah, shit, and they're like, just slow down, and you're like, oh, okay. They don't want to, they're like, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, depends. You mean on accident or because somebody grabbed him by the neck and held him under the water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Well, cause that guy is still out there, but- Oh is he? Yeaah. Killin' dudes. But yeaah, there's that Ladybug Lake, uh, where they're like, oh it's not a killer, and it's like, oh, okay. Uhm, but drownings, I don't know, that has to happen pretty regularly. People are getting fucked up out there. Yeaah. That's- That's not that many. That's Lake Travis. How about Lake Austin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, three drown in a month this year. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So scared. Wow. Please don't fuck me. Marco got a little bit of like, you know, press about, like this kind of got made its rounds. And now he's like, he likes the attention. So now he's telling people like, oh, come over, take a picture with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. And look how, okay, you see the guy with the phone here in the foreground? He looks over to his right like, uhm, like, just watch him right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. To Marco Fleming meeting people and be like, I'm about to fuck you weird right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's posting his... So he posted all those things in the last like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go back, go to the page itself here. And what is it, when it says he explains, you know, that one right there, that middle one. Does it actually have his explanation? Oh no, it's just like a reference to the video. I got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Tony, this is a really good point to make, uhm, that if your asshole is torn and bleeding, you do not want something that's going to exacerbate the bleeding. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing. A black hat can say it, right? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having your hazards on in the drive-thru is gonna be enraging to the people behind you. Yeah, I mean, come on, get it together. And you are a fat sack of inbred shit, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chick-fil-A would have somebody out there. Are you a Chick-fil-A fan? Huge. Love Chick-fil-A. What's your, what's your top three for fast food?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would really put it like at the, at the very bottom. Totally. It's one of the worst experiences I've had. And I, I've had it a few, like one time I did it and I trashed it and I, and I posted about it and people got so upset. So I was like, I'll go again. Like I'll go again. And I think it was worse. It was worse the next time. The bun sucks. The burger sucks. I think it's just that in your adolescence,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If that's what you're exposed to first, and you get married to that flavor, that sauce, then you go, oh, that's what good is. And you don't realize that you've been served dirty sock soup, and you think- That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's actually a fucking, you know, New York Strip and it's shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what this is like? This is like when, when people really first realized they were at uhm, a live television taping and they saw the camera and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Telling you Tony, nothing gives me more anxiety than these cave talks. They're horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, some of them are, she finds they're, they're, they're in these and there's water and they're like, I hope it doesn't rain cause I won't make it out. And then they're like trying to get through a space this big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're really, like, people talk about, um, you know, doing things that you could die doing, but this has to be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is another level above like, oh, you could die, you know, on a racetrack or whatever, but this shit-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is no come get me. You're just there. You're just there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have anxiety right now, a wave of it that just hit me in such an uncomfortable way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, it's discrimination. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The aisles should be able to accommodate 400, 500 pound people. Makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hating you so hard, not being able to fit, you can't walk down your eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you and David are all, that's so much fun to watch on Killtonia. You and David Lucas, who's a hilarious comic. You guys like roasting each other. It's one of the funniest things I've seen. It's so funny. We go back and forth a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I wonder if you could beat any. Uhm. Chancelless. Chancelless. He said there's no chance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your, what's your circuit with those weights? You do chests? Yeah, I just do whatever, yeah. Everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's awesome. You're gonna be totally swole soon, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, listen, uh, you can watch Kill Tony every week on the YouTubes. He's on tour. What's it called? Fully Grown?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see Tony on tour at TonyHingeCliff.com. Watch Kill Tony. Maybe consider making your New Year's plans here in Austin, Texas. Always great to see you, man. Thank you. I love you guys so much. I'll give you some Tylenol. I love it. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why I look so rested and wonderful? I sleep on a Saatva mattress. It's just that simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love all the mattresses I've had from Saatva, the lumenleaf, the luxury firm, and I sleep on a solaire every single night. Impeccable quality. Made in the United States of America. Uh, 90 day in-home trial. If you don't like it, you can send it back, but you're not gonna, cause it's just that great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not treat yourself to a high quality luxury mattress without those ridiculous prices of other mattress companies. And let me tell you, right now, go to Sotva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next Sotva


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Purchase! Saatva.com slash the shit. That's S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit for two hundred dollars off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get yourself one for, uh, Christmas, for Hanukkah, for Kwanzaa, whatever it is you're celebrating. Celebrate your life. Sleep is the most important thing. Invest in your good sleep. Satva.com slash le shit for $200 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh! And now we're all having to play along with your new identification. I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is so much fun. There's nothing more fun than a blaze and fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he was hugging me and then he goes, Mom, I just peed on you. And I was like, thank you. I just changed into that outfit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, I mean, then they do. They pee on me all the time. They fart on me. The other day a teacher woke me up by sitting on my head and farting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing is, is that in all sincerity, it doesn't really bother me. It's just slapdicky, and it makes me laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you noticed this lip shade I'm wearing. Perfect gift for Christmas for the lady in your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In your bag. It's a great design and I don't know and you know why other companies don't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're cheap MFers, and when I- I spared no expense in this-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Italian made lips. It's made in Italy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how high quality it is, very hydrating and it's the perfect shade of red. Get it at uh, ymhstudios.com. I gotta tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number one seller, but you know why? Two mommies, one jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is this like, so the pace is terrible? No one's telling the truth about anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate when people aren't truthful. I can't stand it. So this is the one place you can say where the fuck you want. It's a safe space. You know what I'm saying? Fuck all the haters. Fuck them all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he said he likes to do things with food. He's like, I like whipped cream and the sweets and all that. And that's when I tapped out. Cause I think that stuff's very messy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Therapists are trained to help you figure out the cause of challenging emotions and learn productive coping skills, which makes therapy the closest thing to a guided tour of the complex engine called you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] BetterHelp has connected over 3 million people with licensed therapists. It's convenient and accessible anywhere. It's 100% online. I've been in therapy for, oh gosh, what, 13 years now? It's been the one thing that I've done. I've invested in myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's completely changed my life. Uhm, I'm so grateful for my therapist. It's the world's largest therapy service. BetterHelp has matched 3 million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists available 100% online. Plus it's affordable. It's affordable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with the therapist. If things aren't clicking, just switch to a new therapist anytime. No waiting rooms, no traffic, no endless searching for the right therapist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Learn more and save 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash moms house. That's better help. H-E-L-P dot com slash moms house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I think happened? You know what happened to his drawings? His mom was cleaning his room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what occurred to me that you need more than anything? What? Not another car. Not another fancy designer jacket. You need a valet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, you have a valet. Okay, so, so, King Edward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The eighth, after he abdicated his throne, had a valet. And you know what this guy said? He goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, bro. And that line alone, I was like, could you imagine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you paying attention? If you, you open your eyes and your valet is there with your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coffee was just a splash of oat milk. Just the way you like it, sir. And then here's the latest news in sports, sir, and here's yours.


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[Assistant] Well that's what happened is King Edward taught this valet all the ways of the British gentleman and he'll teach you the ways of the gentleman.


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[Assistant] A British valet. Dude, and he dresses you and he combs you. He combs your shoulders with the brush to get the lint off. You know how he does that? I'm Downton Abbey.


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[Assistant] Uhm, Edward taught him the ways that he liked it so that there's something to be said but you have to be patient because then you're training that valid.


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[Assistant] And the cool thing is the valet would come to like...


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[Assistant] Polo matches and sit next to his, his man. You know what I mean? Like he's literally your right hand guy.


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[Assistant] Your valet just talks for you and does everything for you. I love it. I know! I think I want a valet too, like someone just to pet my head and take care of me and like walk me through life.


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[Assistant] And not too chatty either, cause I know you don't want to talk, but he just knows your every need. Mr. Sakura has to take a shit now and he knows when you shit and he's like, oh, that's...


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[Assistant] I have a collection of the ugliest sneakers. Look at that. How unfuckable am I in my-


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[Assistant] Oh yeah, guys, I gotta take care of some kid stuff. You know how that goes, appointments with kiddos. So Tom here is going to take care of the next segment and I'll see you next time.


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[Assistant] That's right home dog. Right now my tour is on sale for 2023. I go to very select, unlike Tom who came everywhere. I only go to select fucking cities. You hear me? You heard?


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[Assistant] Breast Balls Beach, Chicago, I go to Roanoke Park, California, Milwaukee, and Charlestown, West Virginia.


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[Assistant] Saatva mattress company, I absolutely love them. I sleep on a Saatva mattress every night. My children do. Even in our guest room at Casa de Segura, we have a Saatva mattress.


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[Assistant] People are like, really, Christina? Yes, I love them! They're soft, they're comfortable, they're plush, they're made in the USA, organic cotton, and the best part is, you don't have to deal with salespeople. Is there anything worse than a salesperson? You just order it online, they set up the delivery, they come take away your old mattress for a nominal fee,


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[Assistant] And boom, you got the best mattress ever. And they're just amazing. And I can't recommend it enough. 90 day in-home trial.


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[Assistant] If you don't like it, send it back, but I doubt that's gonna happen.


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[Assistant] So, do yourself a favor, get yourself a kick-ass mattress, sotva.com slash the shit for $200 off. Your next purchase courtesy of us, sotva.com slash the shit. The next time you go, uh, to look at sotva mattresses, go buy one. Do yourself a favor, you deserve one.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you what I love? That you licensed a very famous song. It really, I'm telling you, and people knew how much you spent, they would be floored.


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[Assistant] I agree, and you know, putting reinvesting in the special is where it's at. You know, when I bought my suit for my last special for mom jeans, I bought two of them, cause you sweat through one.


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[Assistant] Each suit cost $20,000 a piece and then I had Swarovski crystals put on, real Swarovski, that was another $100,000 per suit, but I think it was worth it. I think it was worth it. What do you think?


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[Assistant] And licensing the Frankie Goes to Hollywood song. Oof, my run. That guy sent me a DM to thank me personally.


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[Assistant] There was a time in college where I was technically homeless, cause I didn't have...


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[Assistant] Uh, uh, I was, I was couchsurfing, but instead of couchsurfing, I lived in the kitchen.


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[Assistant] And every morning my roommates would come out and make coffee and that's when I would wake up.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this is Madani. Like, you should, but then she probably has Safe Haven's public places, like Starbucks, or, um, bookstores are really great to shit into.


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[Assistant] It's like, it's my nightmare. What's your nightmare? Basically what you're doing is traumatizing yourself every morning, putting yourself in your body in a state of shock, and then being like, this feels great!


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[Assistant] I think because like a cold is my nightmare. It is. I mean look at me right now. It's probably a hundred degrees outside and I have to wear a sweater to feel normal. I'm just a reptile. I don't like it. Secondly, I get my kicks on


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[Assistant] Do you ever have a body function? So good.


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[Assistant] The biggest dump this morning. It was totally unexpected. Like it was one of those sneaky ones where you're like, this could be nothing. And it was so much came out of me.


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[Assistant] And uh, fucking, I stood up and I was like, god damn dude, that was so good.


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[Assistant] But now I like it and I wish you could be around on the weekends so that he could do that. Cause he has no one to do that to.


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[Assistant] And it's also because what I like about DeMarco is he is a man of a certain age. So you know that he's been doing this for a year.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I like this new lane. How would you, but, but here's the deal, the difference between that little boy and Nadav. Yeah. Nadav's got some weight. He does.


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[Assistant] And also wouldn't it just be like a beautiful swirl of, of red hair, red pubic hair and sweat and blood.


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[Assistant] Are you freckled too? You're very fair.


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[Assistant] No, I like it. I like it because, uh, I mean, you're the only one that's pounded my V in 20 years now. Uh, the other last time we did it, actually, I would, I went to go potty and I, I wiped and I was like, Ooh, ouch, Tommy really did some work. And it's a nice, remember it's apropos our earlier discussion.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's nice, you guys. And our earlier discussion of like, it's like, oh, I took that shit.


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[Assistant] No, but he's had to be tough probably. From his upbringing and his neighborhood.


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[Assistant] Rex, so, so do we, just so we're clear, do you not use your penis with, with these women?


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[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, so I'm, you know, Tom and I are going through our midlife crises respectively. Uhm, I've been going to goth shows.


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[Assistant] You know, like the same bands I've liked my whole life. I've been rebuying the t-shirts from my youth. Stuff like that. Tom, cold plunge, helicopter lessons, motorcycle, race cars. Did you go through a midlife crisis?


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[Assistant] Yeah. I only use Facebook to see who's gotten fat. I like that. You know, like just to see how shitty other people's lives have gotten.


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[Assistant] Look at you now, fatso. How you doing, Steph?


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[Assistant] I have a few, there's a few that I check on regularly, like girls in rotation. I'm like, how's that bitch doing? Still sucks? Cool.


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[Assistant] Or like when people lie about how rad they are too, you're like,


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[Assistant] Interesting, cause your cycle was different, I remember your 08 cycle, cause back when we weren't having as much going on, I believe it was, not Huffington Post, what was it, Drudge Report?


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[Assistant] Breaking news. The best part is he acts like it's not the center of... Yea, of course, that's what you do. He's like, hey guys, look at that. Look at my view.


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[Assistant] What do you think my penis would look like? Would it look like my dad's? Because yours look like your dad's?


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[Assistant] But she had a big fire crotch, like orange pubes. I don't have that, but in terms of like, yeah, I think I got her vag.


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[Assistant] And her tits. Oh no, I've become my mother. Nice.


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[Assistant] And start rescuing, seriously, I just, the mother in me, what do I do now?


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[Assistant] Now that part is alive and I care about things, ugh.


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[Assistant] But I think if you just listen, that's the secret for me is like, oh god, listen to that idea, don't just...


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[Assistant] In the shower too, sometimes the best things come in the shower when I'm just like relaxed. In a nice warm shower, right? Yeah. And I'm just thinking...


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[Assistant] Hell yeaah, and I'm sure Tom wants to see them too.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you something? I 100% wanted to make fun of her and then I was like, dude, that's how I feel about bow house.


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[Assistant] Okay, so I looked it up. It's like a fucking romantic goth band.


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[Assistant] No, my favorite was the woman that had 75 cat carcasses.


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[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips, dude. Look at that one.


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[Assistant] Watch that one right here. Or maybe here. Maybe here. Maybe uh, uh, uh, uh. Maybe you should subscribe. That way, every time a new video gets posted, you'll be notified. Stay in the know, jeans. Subscribe now.


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[Assistant] You can. Cool. Oh maybe that's what I get. That's what you need.


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[Assistant] That is the right way to do it. Pretty much. Yeah. I like doing it. I like just sitting in and noodling around and...