[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, no, no, no, she has an extra bedroom. Will you spend the night there? And she was like, no, I don't want this. Don't spend night in other person's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's my Uncle Bo, but he's really my cousin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bo's got like, not a lot of teeth. He's an alcoholic. Yeah, yeah, and things haven't really worked out for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's Uncle Bo. And you see the picture there of the, yeah, the three, so that's the Ukrainian chick, that's the nice sweet guy, and there's Uncle Bo. Uhm, and the sweet guy goes, yea, my Uncle Bo lives with me, and she was like, this needs to not happen. Yea, no way. I arrive, I don't want Uncle Bo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was actually one of the smart, one of the few things I agreed with her on. Same. Was to not have Uncle Bo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like she's mad that it's cold in this place, and he's like, well, it's winter, I'm in the sticks in Washington, and it's cold out, so it's cold in here. And she's like, so cold, I don't like it. And he's like, but you just came from Ukraine, it's cold there too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you ever want to get on board the show, the time is now. Uh, we also got into franchises. Uh, started with the children, you know, getting them into Harry Potter. Then I, uh, came, finally was released from our basement. Come upstairs. It was right around Christmas. So, I bought the Die Hard pack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The original Die Hard is of course a great Christmas movie. And then it has all the other ones. The third one's good. The last one's terrible. We've been going through that franchise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So fantastic. Uhm, and then we got through that and we went to the Bourne franchise. That's right. Uh, we'll skip the Jeremy Renner one, but we're watching the other ones. And uhm, I don't know, the third one last night we watched, not the best one. Definitely not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes you turn your head. I mean, the other thing that's funny is if you watch movies like this, like a franchise like that, back to back to back, you're like, oh, this is like the same scene 40 times. That's what I, cause last night was the third one, and they were just like, fuck!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Born took everybody out. Like, you're like, this happens 30 times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking, taking two and took in the took in franchise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, he's like 62 in the first one. Liam Neeson. And like he and Denzel are doing huge action movies in their 60s now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Denzel has a new one coming out. I just saw a trailer for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's the third one. He's fantastic in that. That's like when he, he had exploded on the, cause that's right after Pulp Fiction, I believe. And so like, Pulp Fiction's like the biggest fucking movie of the decade. And everybody, I mean people knew Sam Jackson as like a character actor and now he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were they more jacked? Bruce Willis just looks like, just, healthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He seems, he's a very, you know what the funny thing is? You're watching it and they push in and you're like, it's Matt Damon, that's Jason Bourne. Anytime there's a wide shot with the crowd, you're like, oh, he just seems like a normal white guy. Like he just doesn't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What he is, is he's really thin. Yeaah. Looks great. You know, I went to his 40th birthday party. I remember that. That's the weirdest fucking thing, one of the weirdest things that's ever happened to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is I did a show at the Hollywood Improv and I did a 15 minute set, had a great set, just one of those lucky, just great sets, you know, like where you just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you get off stage and you're like uuuh, and sometimes it's great. And I go into the bathroom to take a leak, and as I'm taking a leak, there's somebody like standing by the sink, and he goes, thank you. And I turn, and I go, for what? And he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For that set. And I turn again and it's Matt Damon. Right? And I go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, oh, I go, well, you just said thank you. I didn't know what the hell this was about, you know? And he goes, no, that set was great, man. So I finished peeing and I got, and then I recognized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not looking at your dick. No, no. He's just over there. And I go, oh, you just said thank you. I didn't know what it was for you. Cause look at that set, man. That was so funny. Thanks for that dick. So, then I go wash my hands. I keep talking to him briefly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, well yea man, appreciate it and blah blah blah. Then I go outside and I'm standing in the parking lot and, uh, like the improv parking lot, you know, which like goes, like at the time you could park and then walk into the side room. So there's, it's full, there's 300 some people out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm talking to Tom Papa. So Tom Papa, ba-da-da-da-da. Uh, where he's catching up. Matt Damon walks over. Matt Damon, at the time, is executive producing a show for Tom Papa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm like, just talking to him, and he keeps talking about certain jokes I was telling. And uhm, he goes, uh, well we're gonna go have dinner, uh, over here, do you wanna come? And I was like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I kinda just stopped and think about it, and I was like, no, no, you know what, I will come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, then I go across the street and, uh, it's Matt, and then John Krasinski shows up with Emily Blunt. Love her. And Matt Damon's like, this is Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a fucking hilarious comedian. And then John's like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, that's cool. And I was like, yeah, I don't know. And then Matt Damon's wife was there. And then... Who's he married to? She's like a regular, she's not an actor. She's a regular person. Very nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was like, uh, I forget the name of it, but they ordered like, um, share plates. Like, like 50 share plates. Yup. And then other people showed up and I remember I, I saw somebody else there and I was like, this is crazy. They were sitting at Matt Damon's birthday party and the person I was looking at went like this. I was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the nice, I left before anybody because I had like, yeah, I was like, what am I going to fucking add to this? Cause it's like a, it's one of those tables that has 25 people at it. And I'm here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only person that I've actually spoken to, or know, is Papa. He's a few seats down, Matt's down there, Krasinski's here, and I'm like, you know, I eat a few bites, and then I'm like, I think I should get going. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did the thing where I was like, thanks so much. I mean, I made like the earliest departure. Cause I was like, I don't know what I'm gonna do here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there is, by the way. There is a school. Well, there's this thing called the CIA. They hire people. And then there's also jujitsu schools. You could go to those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, that's what I want. You don't stop and think, it's just. That's what I, that's who I want to be. It's like when I dunk, I just fucking jump and I dunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're perfect for spy school and that type of thing. Like when I think of you, I'm like, I can see you doing that. Spy shit, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, I wanna say, ten years ago. Ten years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that'd been 2010? Holy shit. Jeez. It looks great. And wait, what's the actual date? October. That makes sense. October 8th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes sense. I think it was, maybe I'm wrong, maybe it was like 41, 42, 43.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know one of the things I would ask? Cause I actually have, I remember this thought and this is why I would ask it. I remember seeing the trailer for Bourne and being like, Matt Damon is not a badass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard to take your mind there now, cause now it's established. Cause it was good will hunting before that. I would want to ask him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you feel like this could fail terribly? Like as a choice? To be like, I'm gonna do a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Badass thing, you know? Uh, which, like I, you know, now the character is, is like iconic and everything, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember watching that trailer and being like, Matt Damon is gonna kick everybody's ass. And feeling like this cannot be real. And then seeing the movie and being like, this was awesome. And like he was great in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what I would be curious about. If he was like, were you in a panic as this was coming out? Like, is this going to be a huge failure? Or did you feel like this was a, you know, solid


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They never show, they do show him having, making love a few times. That's true. Or implying it. So maybe he was getting his fix, but he should be jerking off more and he should be taking dumps and not showing it. And it's really upsetting. It's disappointing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and she looks just perfect in the movie. God, she's stunning. And she's like, what, like 30?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you're right. You're right. Cause there's bush on the right there. Go to the left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think a penis is definitely less attractive. It's a dangling piece of skin, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's uhm, I gotta wrap this up, so a couple talks before we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like fun, but it also looks like this could go wrong really quickly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Takes me back to, uh, North Carolina days. Saw a lot of that. Really? Yea, that's how dudes, yea. Totally wrong. That's how country guys get a few beers and they're like, I'll tell you something, they're good, Travis. Yea, feels very familiar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what this dude, I don't think he's gonna understand this though. And I don't know why I think that. But, he just needs to show who he really is. And then the ladies will follow. You know what I mean? Like do what you normally do. Show us your real personality. I think he's nice. I think he's probably sweet. I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, that's being yourself. That's who he is. He's like, I overeat. You're right, if you go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. Not commissary fucking shampoo, he's got Pantene. Pro-V, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's super like high drama. Right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That definitely feels real. That was real as fuck. I love the touch of drinking champagne while you're calling somebody like, how was your food, would you get it with?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also believe that she's about to fucking like stab him. Oh bro. Like the video's off for a reason now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck that. Yeah. I mean, cool talk, but fuck all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're listening, it'd be worth watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, a lady who actually seems like a probably good looking lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has a spiderweb tattoo on her forehead, completely there, then there's a tattoo around her eyes, then there's a darkening tattoo around her eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then it looks like there's fucking teeth around her eyes. And then she also has tattoos around her actual mouth and her cheeks. It's intense. It's really intense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how often, how often you probably forget that your face looks like that? Like when you, you know what I mean? Like you just, if it's been a few years you just get up and you go out and you're like, can I get a coffee? And someone's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, cause the, you know, the quick answer is like, yeah, you can get this removed. Let me tell you something. This shit's not coming off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want either scenario, but this one's terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, like, your interactions with people would be a lot better. One-armed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would choose a facetap. For sure. I'm definitely peeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just like anytime that he would like, I don't know, if anything ever went wrong, we'd be like, yeah, but we were so stupid to hire that fucking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, don't play with people's feelings. Alright, here's this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so thanks a lot for that one. Um, it really is good to be back in studio. Super fun. Happy new year to everybody. Thank you for listening to this show, for watching this show. We're excited about a whole new year. Uh, thank you again to everybody that joined us on the live show. We have some pretty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think incredible live show experience is coming up. I feel like I can comfortably say that two times, at least twice in the next six months, we are going to be releasing special events that you're gonna be like, holy fucking shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna shit your balls through your dick into your dad's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's incredible and we're super excited about it. So, uh, appreciate all that. Hope you have a wonderful year. God damn it. Let's make 2021 way better than 2020. Our closing song is Jump in the Tub, Let Me Eat You by Odd Track Numbers. See you next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand that lots of people have found all these miracle lotions and stuff nowadays so women look just a lot younger than they usually do. But I am not one of those women. I'm a smoker and I go tanning. So this is 35. Want you all to be aware.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know that companies around the world produce 2 billion pounds of new plastic every day, yet no matter how much we put in our recycling bin, just 9% of plastic actually gets recycled. At Grove Collaborative, they believe it's time to stop making single use plastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grove is the online marketplace that delivers healthy home beauty and personal care products directly to you. Takes the guest work out of going green.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's great because it's so easy to use. You go online. You can use their everyday products. We use their multi-purpose house cleaner because I don't like having my babies touching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, harmful chemicals and it smells delicious. It's easy to use.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And easy to find online. Choosing products that are better for you and the planet has never been easier. For a limited time when our listeners go to grove.com slash mom, you will get to choose a free starter set with your first order. Go to grove.com slash mom to get your exclusive offer. That's grove.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they don't, they're not, they're better, but they don't look good enough to be on a web show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, man, the eye thing's bumming me out more than the ankle. I gotta tell ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's going to clear up soon. It'll, it'll, it'll happen. I have faith. How are you farts? Are you in a good mood? Yeah, I'm doing great. Now I'm doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're being sarcastic. Did you, did you really have a salad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well ask him what he had over the weekend. That's where the fun happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate mint anything. It's like eating toothpaste. Why don't you just put toothpaste in your mouth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's interesting, Nadav, about your food choices is that they're really, um, international. Cause he was like, I started Korean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Tommy boys, which is violence already. I mean, you're going to die. You're going to get diarrhea from that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, I've been, I've been eating so much here and I've only had one dud meal this whole time. Like everything's been killer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once I start training, it can get up to 280 at least.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She told me constantly that we were actually Jewish, but we had to hide it because of, you know, that whole Hitler thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She told me, she said, you know, Christy, we are actually Jewish because your grandmothers maiden name was that, that, that this means a bird. The birds and animals and colors are Jewish last names in Hungarian, this and that. I'm like, all right, dude, I think we are. I think I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also the level of unethicalism, unethicism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, I was just saying, per seager, like, uh, the dude, the dude in the per seager, I just didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're Latinx blood. I mean that's, but you present as a white cisgendered male, so it doesn't matter that you're a Latinx too. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I would be a small Japanese woman. I think they're so pretty. Like Marie Kondo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I'd be, I'd be like a tiny Japanese girl. I love them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So crazy. I bet that guy regrets taking a picture of his car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so wild, dude. And you're right, we're so used to it. We're like, oh, that's what he does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I just, I can't believe, I can't believe this guy got to roam the streets for as long as he did. Like it just, it blows my freaking mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you showing this to me? I don't understand why you did this. Why did you do this? I'm gonna throw up. Take it off. Did you just throw up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great. I'm sure Leanne's gonna love him on that too. He'll be fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I was just thinking though is how sweaty his head must be too with all the braids. It's gotta be real hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came- I do forgive you, I love you. I came to party, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Show me something uplifting. Pick something fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, he's speaking my, I've been talking about this phenomenon for my whole life and finally to see somebody acknowledge it and bring it to the forefront. It's like a relief.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. That was much better. Every day. Two, three times a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many times have you been browning a lot? How's your, uh, butthole?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. And then I'm like, I get the tickets. Yeah. Yeah. See about house live does this for me. You know what? Being out on your CDU is pretty exciting. I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look how pale I am. I've been indoors for five weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Squarespace. I'm a huge fan of Squarespace. I have built four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you can build a website for just about anything. You can make a blog, publish your photos, publish any sort of content. You can sell your products and services and it's so easy on Squarespace. Everything is so, like, simple to use. I don't know HTML coding. You don't have to. Uhm, everything looks and feels


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Customizable, it's got, uh, it's optimized for mobile right out of the box. Built in search engine optimization and 24-7 award winning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, go to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it cheese too. See, I learned how to say that. I used babble, babble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an app on my phone. I open it up when I have just 15 minutes a day because I have two kids. I'm a busy lady. And they're like these easy lessons. They're very intuitive. Everything helps you learn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like high school when you took language and you would just like learn to conjugate verbs in a boring way. Babble really makes things easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, with Babbel, you can choose from 14 different languages including Spanish, French, Italian, and German. There are so many ways to learn with Babbel and additional lessons. You can access podcasts, games, videos, stories, and even live classes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, save up to 65% off your subscription when you go to babble.com slash mom. That's babble.com slash mom for up to 65% off your subscription. Babble language for like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Fiverr. It's a great way to find freelancers to handle bits and pieces of your business that you may not have the experience to handle yourself. Like let's say you need a graphic designer, you need some kind of a logo designed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fiverr is a global network of on-demand freelance talent that's here to help. Whether you're launching your first business, scaling your current business, or in need of extra support from graphic design, copywriting, marketing, web programming,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Film editing, scoring, music, and more. It's so easy. You customize your search by service, deadline, price, seller reviews, and more, and there's no more guessing games. You'll know exactly what you're paying for up front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and there's 24-7 customer service. Find a freelancer with the specific skills you need for your next project. Check out fiverr.com and receive 10% off your first order by using my code MOM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find all the digital services you need in one place at f-i-v-e-r-r dot com code mom. Again, that's fiverr dot com code mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, my name is Joe. It's January 17th. I'm looking for people between 18 to four years of age for dating and relationship. Leave a message or comment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a nice person, I'm friendly, and I'm outgoing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And another thing, I am a boy, not a girl. And another thing, I am not lesbian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a lovely boy. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And another thing, I am a boy, not a girl. And another thing, I am not lesbian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, she was fucking perfect. She had all your best features and none of the, you know, baggage. Words, words, words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Watch Gang. Everybody has their own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the cool thing about Watch Gang is that they send you all different types. You can mix it up. You can have a whole collection built so that if you want something, you know, like sporty, maybe with a color that goes with what you're wearing, they'll send it to you. If you're more of a classic guy, you like leather straps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let them know, they'll send you a whole collection just like that. Watch Gang is the world's largest watch club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And is revolutionizing the way we buy and discover watches. Watch Gang allows casual watch enthusiasts and the watch obsessed alike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To build your watch collection, watch members, excuse me, watch gang members also get the chance to win a Rolex every Friday and a tag cure every Tuesday. They've already given away over 500. Go to watchgang.com slash YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And get started now. Use code YMH for 20% off your first purchase. That's watchgang.com slash YMH. Code is YMH for 20% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, May 5th of course we're doing the podcast live at the West Palm Beach Improv with the great Duncan Trussell. It's gonna be an electric show in front of you guys, a live audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then in June, I continue my shows en español. So, I'll be at the Ontario Improv June 25th and 26th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be in Brea on the 27th, that's also a Spanish show, and I just added shows in Greensboro, North Carolina, July 8th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nine and ten. And hopefully we'll have more dates soon. They're all at tomscrow.com slash tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uh, Hen Dog with Queens Above 18 by of course the, I mean, featuring of course the great king. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're going to have to wait and I'm not going to watch it until it's confirmed. I want to see a photo of your driver's license.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He likes to laugh. That's the thing. Show me your boobs. I like a good laugh and dance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're just like, ahahaha, look at your big stupid tit. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had all your best features and none of the, you know, baggage. Words, words, words. Yeah, yeah, it was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happy 600 episodes. Holy shit. 600 episodes. Thank you everybody that has been with us for the long haul. This, uh, this is a long time, man. 600 episodes. I know. Jesus Christ. So. 600. I know. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different. So why is the K backwards? He goes, different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, fuck it, that, you, you can't teach that. No. They could show that, they would show that in an acting class. Because most people can't do it that way. I mean, he was literally in his mind reacting to a question being asked that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You thought you, you didn't hear the person who was in the room. Did that turn the volume up? Did somebody ask something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Is this Robert De Niro? Al would watch that and be like, god damn, that guy's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You want to open the show? Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dig it. I dig the outfit, I dig the song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is pretty crazy that you have a rap song with Crayshon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like the artists don't say, I have a song, they say we made a record.


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[Assistant] How did they get that beautiful French name?


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[Assistant] What's the history of Des Moines?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] French, right? It was incorporated as Fort Des Moines, which was shortened to Des Moines. Yeah, French name. Oh, after the Des Moines River, which was likely was adapted from the early French name Riviera Des Moines. Des Moines. Meaning River of the Monks.


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[Assistant] Man, I feel like that's a dirty little secret that no one knows about.


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[Assistant] It was, it was, it was a little kinky, we can just say that. It was a little kinky. It was. It was kinky. And then, gosh, I don't, I mean, uh.


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[Assistant] And did I deliver or not? Cause I was on Rogan last week talking about how much I cum.


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[Assistant] It was like collections were like, we're coming to the house. We're not paying this bill. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I don't think I could have done PT. I had like rage in me. I would have been like, alright, I'll, you know, I'll be back in a minute.


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[Assistant] I could have, but then I knew you were coming home, so I was like, why not give her a gift? You know? As soon as she gets here. Cause I thought about it. I was like, oh, I should just crank it out. Yeah, why didn't you just take care of yourself? Then you're like, oh, I landed. I was like, hmm, maybe I'll save it for her.


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[Assistant] I don't know, sometime, I mean, you were gone, okay, well, I was exhausted, because I drove every day in Texas when I was doing the Spanish show, so I drove, you know, uh, San Antonio to Houston, Houston to Dallas, Dallas to Austin, like, kind of worn out, like, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Right. I had people in the car. Yeah. So what if you were like, Hey guys, this is just something I do when I drive. Hope you don't mind. Uh, no. And then I had the, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I had the super early flight to come back. So that day I just wiped Saturday. So Saturday morning, I mean, you know, that whole day I was wiped and then I crashed that night at like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what time it was, you know what I mean? Like 8 o'clock and I was so tired. So, I could have, uhm, you know, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, sometimes, yeaah. But you were so tired. I was so tired that it wasn't, like, necessary.


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[Assistant] I just look at myself in the mirror and I'm just like, give it to myself.


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[Assistant] Some people I'm sure do. I don't. I know this is not an appetizing thing to look at for me. Neither, same.


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[Assistant] I like to watch what happens, but I don't like to look at myself.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, that's a perfect person. American Psycho. Yeaah, a narcissist, psychopath, yeaah. He's like, I look so good right now. Yeaah, by the way, he does. He did, yeaah. I'd watch Christian Bale jerk off in American Psycho. He'd be like, you look good, man. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but that was, I mean. That was crazy, Tom. I know, I mean, I looked, I really thought about grabbing my phone and being like, let's just get a picture. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe like somebody dropped four of them.


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[Assistant] Yeah, on the right there. And then you go, I'm just going to get right in the shower.


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[Assistant] A lot, and then there's probably another huge percentage that say it, and the wife's like, get the fuck out of here, you know?


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[Assistant] It is a super bummer too. I have friends that have the full spectrum of relationships with their wives, you know? And then like some that...


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[Assistant] I'm not saying that somebody never can be like, I don't want, I'm saying when someone's like, oh, it's four times a year, I'm like, uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knock on the neighbors window, I go, watch this, and then they come out and they watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Momma's House is also brought to you by Babbel. For most of us, learning a second language in high school or college wasn't exactly a high point in our academic careers. I luckily came from a bilingual household.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting into the French of it all, I want to go to Paris. Do want to do it again. And I want to speak some French to some real Frenchies. You know what I mean? They have 15 minute lessons to make it a perfect way to learn a new language. On the go, Babbel designs their courses with practical real world conversations in mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now when you purchase a three month Babbel subscription, you'll get an additional three months for free. That's six months for the price of three. Just go to babbel.com and use the promo code mom. That's B-A-B-B-E-L dot com. Use the code mom for an extra three months free Babbel language for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean basically it's like fitness couples. They're the ones that wouldn't look good. That's it. I mean that's what porn stars are. They're basically fitness models who are having sex. You know? That's so true. And it's upsetting, I get upset seeing even a guy a little out of shape at a point where I'm like, get him the fuck out of here.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but you realize in foreign, MILF means like she's 28, right? Like, she's not an actually... Retirement age. Yeah, they're not actually old.


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[Assistant] It's, it's not something I seek out. I mean, I don't want, I'm not like, oh I gotta go see some squirting right now.


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[Assistant] I've watched it, yeah. It's not, but I don't seek it out. It's not like a, like, oh, this is going to be- Doesn't do it. I'm trying to see here.


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[Assistant] I know, but I can't, like, all I'm seeing are the images, I can't really see what the categories are.


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[Assistant] This is like actual old women. I don't like that at all. Nobody does. It's like granny. They call it mature, but like that's an old ass bitch. That's what it is. That's an old asshole. Mature. Jesus. Let's see. Chubby? No thanks. Cream pie? Yeaah. Let's see.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the squirting thing is more like a, it's kind of like, what's it called, like a spectacle?


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[Assistant] The gangbang thing, like, I'm not, it's not, it doesn't really do anything. I mean, I've seen them, I mean, I've seen it, but it's not something where I go like, oh, I want to rub one out, let me watch a gangbang. I don't really...


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[Assistant] Yeah, see like I feel like an orgy is a spectacle. Like you go like, holy shit. But to me it's not as, as you know why I can't, it's not masturbation. Like for me it's like watching a fireworks show. It's too much. There's too much and I don't know what to focus on. Like I'm like, what? Oh, oh, who's this? Oh, she's, now he's fucking her too. Like it's just, it's too crazy. Too much action.


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[Assistant] This is a con- this is a- this is one called Mom and Anal. Alright.


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[Assistant] Alright, well, yeaah. We get it. Uhm, most of these are acceptable.


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[Assistant] You can, like, I don't care about the guy's expression, but on a woman's face.


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[Assistant] It is so clear when like they're doing it and you see like her go like.


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[Assistant] Like a look in her eye where you're like, oh, she doesn't want to be doing this. By the way, total turnoff though.


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[Assistant] I'd rather just sell it. Sell that you want to be there because I don't like, it's the same thing as like in real life.


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[Assistant] Ow! Like that, that works. But I still want her to be like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, speaking of hygiene and everything, you're a big Adidas fan, obviously. You rock Adidas all the time. Have you thought about getting their new, uhm, tank top?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funny thing about this is that it's so deliberate, where like they had to go like, hey we chose you, you got the campaign, you're gonna model for Adidas. Don't fucking shave your armpits though, because we need to show consumers that


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[Assistant] People, I know, the women who have armpit hair have to have pride. Yeah. It's not just that they have it. It's that, you know what, we all have hair. Yeah, I know we do, but you're gross.


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[Assistant] Look, if you're into that, good for you. To me, this is worse than a fucking fisting scene. Arms up, let me show you I don't shave.


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[Assistant] I buy, I buy the gear that I see like super yoke jack dudes wearing being like, oh that'll be me. That's what's going on in your brain.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Do you, do you, are you not gross enough?


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[Assistant] Let's, let's cleanse the palate, okay? Something a little more, like, uh, like, you know, chill and heartwarming. This was a miracle last time.


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[Assistant] We don't know if like the server brought the wrong thing out or something. I don't think so. That is an all out brawl, man. And someone took a hot, steam, boiling pot of water and threw it. Chairs. And the person filming still eating, that's the best part of the whole thing. You see them being like, oh shit. You see the chopsticks go down.


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[Assistant] This is, the only thing I know for sure is that it's, it's two, like there's two groups fighting, right? This is, this isn't like one or two people. This is, it's almost like two families got in a fight. Does this say something?


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[Assistant] What does that, what does that top one say there? The orange, the orange town link, yeaah.


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[Assistant] This could be it. Let's just see if the footage plays on this.


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[Assistant] Wow. So this, that is wild. I mean, they're all wearing winter coats, and that's in Jersey, right?


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[Assistant] Or maybe like, nothing worse than when, uh, you order like kalbi and they bring you bulgogi and you're like alright, let's just fucking start a fight. What are we doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd like this because this is, this is silly. This is the Australian Prime Minister, uh, Scott Morrison, just, uh, talking about the, uh, Health Minister named Hunt.


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[Assistant] I got, uh, I forget how this came about, but I, they asked me to do a table read for a part


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I forget how I get contacted for it, and they're paying me like a couple hundred dollars to read this. And this is quite a while ago. This is like close to ten years ago.


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[Assistant] So, and they're like, uhm, can you do an Australian accent? And I was like, yeah.


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[Assistant] Chopper, you in the movie with, uh, Eric, Eric Bana. I think that's his name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is a great movie and he has an amazing performance in it. I watched that movie like over and over and


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm like recording parts of it, and I keep like saying the lines in the script I'm reading.


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[Assistant] To, you know, with his accent from the movie in mind. It's a great movie if you haven't seen Chopper. And so then I go to the table read and I'm like on page seven. I'm the lead. I'm like in every scene reading this thing for his people. And at one point, one of the producers just goes, you don't have to do the accent. And then I go, it's no problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I realized that at this point, I'm basically like, I think I've switched from what I think.


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[Assistant] Let's hear, let's hear Eric Bana and Chopper.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I need to tune my instrument. Or let's do this, let's do this. I gotta pee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's take a pee break, pull it up anyway, get it in my head, and then we'll go back. Alright, okay, we'll be right back.


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[Assistant] They love it. They love that shit. Oh yea, you'll get- I love them. You just do that from the wings of the theater. You see, Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy, and then fucking all at once, 3,000 people.


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[Assistant] So do you remember the, uhm, the Russian wedding proposal?


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[Assistant] We found another crazy marriage proposal. Okay. Cause we were like, oh, only the Ruskies would do something that crazy. Yeah. You know, but check this shit out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. That is so, so insane. If you're listening, cops pull up to a gas station and they have their guns drawn and they tell a guy, get on the


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[Assistant] And he lays face down and the woman is like, I'm his wife. She's, you know, I'm with him basically. And it sounds like she's like, I'll, I'll, you know, she stands in front of them, like, I'll get help him get. They asked him if he has a weapon on him and then he reaches into his coat and he pulls out.


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[Assistant] A ring to propose. And then she starts bawling. Probably because of the shock to her system of what just happened. But uhm, yeaah. That's very memorable.


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[Assistant] I was like, what? This was in Mobile, Alabama. Oh my. Uh, 2016, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put a lot of thought into it. He did. And he'll be able to show this video forever. Forever? Yea. Family, friends, holidays. Wanna see some cool shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Theragun. I am completely obsessed and in love with Theragun. I always liked it before, but now, now that I'm coming off of this injury, and I, whenever the sweet lady is willing to put the Theragun on my neck,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my shoulders and my traps, rhomboids, I mean, you just melt. You cannot duplicate this deep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The deepness that this thing can go with the human hand or elbow. It's not happening. It's a whole other level and I'm in love with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Theragun is the handheld perc- uh, percussive therapy device that releases your deepest muscle tension using a scientifically calibrated combo of depth, speed, and power, and it's as quiet as an electric toothbrush. It is outstanding. Absolutely love the way I feel with the Theragun. Try Theragun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For 30 days, starting at only $199.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to Theragun.com slash mom right now and get your Gen 4 Theragun today. That's Theragun. T-H-E-R-A-G-U-N.com slash mom. Theragun.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if the model has hairy legs, I think you should get them. That sounds pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty cool. You can get all the workout shoes you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I put my phone on the clock, it'll automatically update to the right time. I just, I haven't done it. So every time I look at it, I just go, oh yea, add an hour.


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[Assistant] I don't look at it though. I don't look at it. I look at it, and then I do the math.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I can be kinda gross. I mean, the room turns into a mess pretty quickly. Yeah. Uhm, I drop, like, you know, underwear, like all of a sudden I'll be like, I should at least put these underwear in a pile, you know, like clothes I've been wearing. Uhm, yeah, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I'm kinda gross in it. I'm so gross. Yeah, I'm better than I used to just jerk off like on the walls and stuff. I don't do that anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I throw it out in the hallway. So I figure someone will pick it up out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a really personable, um, room service guy when I was in Texas, one of these places. Like I ordered late because we'd got back and I never had dinner. So I just ordered, I ordered something healthy and then the guy showed up and he was like, how's it going today brother? And I was like, good. And he gave me elbows and he was like, yeah, life's treating you well. And I was like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, how about you? And he was like, you know, I'm just happy to be alive, blessed to be alive. And I was like, okay, all right. And he just had that super upbeat attitude. It was nice. And you, you threw your jerk off towel at him? Yea, I was like, you know what? Clean this. I go, uh, I got something for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, oh, and he put out his hand like, I guess you're gonna give me a tip. And I go, I am. This isn't totally dry yet. And I put it in his hand like that.


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[Assistant] All the clubs that don't have a bathroom for the economics are really cool clubs.


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[Assistant] God damn it. I know, you get there and you're like, hey, where's the bathroom? And they're like, right out there. And you're like, I'm gonna shit with the audience. And they're like, yeah.


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[Assistant] You're like, okay, just make sure you mark down that I'll never come back, okay?


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[Assistant] Also, when you're performing a lot of times, like if you're doing a show, you are, you know, like personally, I don't drink alcohol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what happened to me in Texas? We went out for sushi after one of the shows.


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[Assistant] So, I'm sitting with the two other comics, and not the server, but the food runner comes out, and he puts a plate of, like, sashimi and a couple pieces of sushi in front of me. What I ordered. He places it in front of me, and I go, uh, oh, can I get, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he walks behind me and I was like, and I look at, thank God there's other people there and they're like, what was that? And he walks over to this table that's over here and just starts busing the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, taking up their plates. So I was like, I guess he's not bringing it, right? So I sat there and I was like, that's strange. Then the server comes by, the guy who we took the order with. He goes, how is everything? I go, good. I just, I need a soy sauce and chop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, oh, okay, okay. And then he walks next to us over here and he just starts taking the order of the table here of like four or five people. And I was like, is this for real? Is this happening? Yeah. And then only because it's one of those things that like you go looking at the other people and they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's happening? I was gonna ask you. I just watched him take, and then the other guy stays busting the table. He's like, dun, dun, dun, dun. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Uhm, this is my new favorite lane of video here.


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[Assistant] Jesus Christ. Yeah. Like she's on the- she- that reaction was like, can I still walk? Like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a good crack. I'm telling you, I lose myself. Sometimes after shows now, I just sit in my room and I watch chiropractic videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it's like a total, I guess I kind of understand more, some people love ASMR, you know? I hate ASMR. But I'm saying the effect, the effect of the, this has like a soothing effect to me. You get them done, do you like watching them too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. He was great. But it is weird to watch, like when you watch them, I don't, because I don't know, it's like sat, the other thing is, so they even have, they have compilations of just cracks, like if you just want to watch crack, crack, crack, but most of the time you watch the session, so there's a build up to the big crack. So you're like watching and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? And they're like, they're like, you know, whatever, like kind of tenderizing the area. It's like, let your shoulders drop. It's like a whole thing. And then it's like, quack quack. And you're like, oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, uhm, I wanted to talk to you about something because, kind of in this springtime, new beginnings, the Lord has risen. Do you feel like we can get you to consider converting to Catholicism and finally get on board with our Lord and Savior?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But maybe you should go to, you know, just like, uh, have a one-on-one with a priest and, uh, discuss it.


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[Assistant] Well that's what you'll be doing later to kind of cleanse yourself for all the wrong things you've done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. How are they going to cleanse the jay off of you? Your penance is going to be days and days. But, I mean. What's a penance? You know, your Our Fathers and your Hail Marys to be forgiven. Oh, it's just saying a poem or whatever? Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. It's like a meditative thing, you know. I could do that. But, I want them to, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That means that you're already kind of a natural fit. If you deal with guilt on a regular basis, you might be a good seat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You feel guilty? You like red wine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, look, you don't have to pray all the time. I mean, if you're a real dedicated see, which you're not gonna be. Definitely not. Uh, you know, some sees pray before meals, uhm, some pray when they wake up or go to bed, like that kind of like ritual stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, pray when you really need help in the world, that kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. So what we'll do is, I'm gonna call...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they don't say that in the bible specifically, but it's an interesting way to, yeah. It's implied that the baby was, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he is the new, he's like the rock. He's everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, you're gonna have a lot of sins that you're gonna have to confess, but you know, it'll be fine. You'll get a clean slate after he tells you what to pray about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, honestly, he'll probably just be like 10 and 10, something like that. It's not that big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple minutes. Oh! Yeah. And he'll be like, you're a clean slate. If you die right now, you go to heaven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do you literally hit people up about things you're sorry for?


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[Assistant] That's the best. That's the whole point of vengacy. Christmas is the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the best. It's the best. It makes all the other shit that I don't do anyway worth it.


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[Assistant] All my Jay friends growing up said that in December, they wish they were more in the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you talking about? You're looking at two neutral C's right here. Do I look like a real religious guy to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, more silly. The ritual. Because we're such bad seas. We do nothing.


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[Assistant] And by the way, you couldn't get me to go. I will not go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Telling you man. They don't play this in church, and that's a real bummer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a weird place, like, you're like, where are they? At a stoplight? Looks like it's a parking lot, you know? Like a dirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some words that we've both mispronounced, we've learned that. There's other words that other people mispronounce that really enrage me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number one, and I'm hearing it more and more now, is people saying ex specially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? People are like, yeah, especially. And I'm like, ex-specialy. You mean especially? Why are you getting ex out of it? And it's directly correlated to people all, like so many people say expresso.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huge coffee culture and also it's written everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere. Espresso.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I guess same way, right? ESP is espresso, but people are mis-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I started to, we talked about how your ING is all wrong, unlike every word. What do I say? I go think. You say like something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. He has a cool, really cool setup. Uhm, young Jamie's there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but what our audience doesn't know is that after we move, you'll still be seeing us here. Our studio won't be ready for a minute. You know, there's a lot of work that goes into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, and the funny thing is, we got the ball rolling in November.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially because we got to ball rolling in November. And that's how when they're like, hey, how long to the studio? And they're like, well, you know, the lawyers need to look at this document and then approval on this thing and then the permit. And you're like, is it not really going to be ready? And they're like, oh no, no, not so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just, you know, it's healing still. My leg, actually, I thought I would struggle more with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's basically now, I mean, I can do 60 minutes on the elliptical without any discomfort or anything. Uhm, building up the quad back to where it was, they said, think of it as a year project, you know, so I just gotta,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that muscle has, you know, deteriorated quite a bit and then also rotator cuff area, delts, everything. This is much weaker so yesterday PT she gave me like isolated movements just for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know, the sliding glass door. You go do it and you're like, uh, it's like, oh wow, my strength.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I just completely took for granted. And I used to lift, I never was like a really strong lifter, but I would lift like fairly heavy weight, you know, and uhm, yeaah, it's like, it's back, it's like completely starting like a child, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was doing, maxing out with 15 pounds in this hand for months, and I just got clearance to go above it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, I mean, you just have to start over. But it's, it's, I'm not bummed out about it. Like it's, I have a good attitude I think about it and, you know, I eat super clean and healthy now. And, uh, I'm working out pretty much six days a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're never the same. Little things. This, according to the doctors, I should be able to be back completely fine back to where I was over time. But just, you have to do the work, you have to keep working out and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this was like, it wasn't just an arm break, you know, like it was, I mean it was, but I mean I broke my humerus, a lot of people break, you know, like their forearms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Broking the humors completely in half and then that nerve getting kind of bruised and bumped around. So it's a major break, considered a trauma injury, and then the nerve is the thing that you go like, like I still have numbness here, you know? I haven't worn a watch or a ring or anything because everything feels weird on my hands still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, yeaah, it's, it's, it's strange. It's a strange feeling. But, I don't know, I, uhm, I've also gotten, you get, you know, we're so adaptable. I've gotten so used to it. Like, I've gotten used to the fact that, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. This hand doesn't work as well. This arm isn't as strong. You just kinda keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I love, honestly, like, my main, it's funny, my, what are my main, main concerns?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting out of the recovery and everything was just, can I still do stand-up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like really my main concern. Like I was like, will it be to the point that I can stand on stage and do stand up? And now that I've done it a few times and feel great, I'm like, oh, okay, like if I got no better, if this was the best I could ever be, I would be fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I wouldn't be thrilled that this is the best I could be, but the fact that I can do my job and I can...


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[Assistant] Just out of respect forever. Everyday I'd be like, hey I love you. To the doll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would like, you know like when in certain countries they pay respect to like the paintings and stuff and they leave gifts, I would put flowers on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was. By the way, I see that you painted your nails, which is lovely. Somebody else is not going to be painting their nails the way they used to. I don't know if you know this. We've seen this lady before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we have the world's longest fingernail. She clips them after 29 years. Does it say in the article why this woman did do it? Can you make that larger?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can see why. I can see why. They're absolutely revolting. Scroll a little bit more please. Scroll down. Uh, Williams went to Dr. Allison Redinger of Trinity Vista Dermatology in Texas earlier this month to get her fingernails sawed off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With an electric rotary tool, after revealing she'd been growing them for about 29 years, she told the doc she had mixed emotions about my babies going, but said the time had come because she'd grown tired of them for obvious reasons, we think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh look, and now she has like still quite long fingernails, but not nearly as long as they were. They were so disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, you can't stick what her hand was behind your ass into a toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't pick her nose, can't wipe her ass. It'd be a horrible hand job, I'm sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just a couple. Here we go. These are all curated by the great Christina P. TikTok's queen of content. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy. First of all, you know what it registers to me? Is this dude so hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, you can jerk off or something. Yeah, that's what I thought it was too. He was like, and to tell that bitch she's no longer worth your time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, probably his soul that is broken from the horrific conditions that he lives in. Is this a fun talk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, what's great is when you see an adult doing what literally what your five year old does. Like your five year old son is like, beating the bad guy. And you're like, okay. And this guy's 30 secs. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really enjoyed it. We're gonna close on, uh, Just Let Me Eat Ya by Flower Socks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really enjoyed it. I love you. I love you too. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mudwater is a coffee alternative with four adaptogenic mushrooms and Ayurvedic herbs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With one seventh the caffeine as a cup of coffee, you get energy without the anxiety, jitters, or crash of coffee. We all know I, I love to get my energy, but I, I don't always like drinking coffee. It's so acidic and it makes me nervous, but mud water is fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have cacao, cacao and chai for mood and a micro dose of caffeine. Lion's mane for alertness. Cordyceps to help support physical performance. Chaga and reishi to support your immune system. Turmeric for soreness. It is just fantastic and it tastes great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, please visit mudwater.com slash YMH. That's M-U-D-W-T-R dot com slash YMH to support the show and use code YMH at checkout for five dollars off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, Chomos, I added a show in Phoenix, Fartnicks, Arizona, April 23rd and 24th, and then one night only in Breastballs Beach, Florida, May 6th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] June 3rd through 6th I am in Chomaha, Nebraska. Chart Lake Titties, I added a show as well, June 11th and 12th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then San Antonio Tejas, July, let's see, what is it? I can't read it. July 15th through 17th, Liberty Township, Ohio in July as well. Then I go to Columbus, Oklahoma City, Orlando.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that's not true, because when I was Tina, and I had big fakers on, boy oh boy, this, the energy changed in this place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and also, last week my stand-in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well we celebrated, well we'll tell them about how later, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My name is Tom, Tom, Tom, I like to come, come, come, all over my wife, wife, wife, and on her bum, bum, bum. You like it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Catchy. Wait, what does he say about his, his merch? He goes, different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I mean, but think about it. It was pretty good acting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what's really neat too is he knows how his body looks on camera. He knows how to cheat the angles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Double Denim Man. He's a true YMH fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. He's right though, a lot of ladies don't appreciate the Canadian tuxedo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as a musician myself, I appreciate his talents. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's out right now. You can get it everywhere. Songs are sold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's amazing. And it's called The Mom Song. And there's a remix too. There's two versions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My hero. I can't believe it. I feel like I can die happy now. That and last night, something special happened to me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I did notice in Demois, and I thought it was really funny and silly. They have like a 7-Eleven, but it's not called a 7-Eleven. It's called the Come and Go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that the, they were like, well we can't call up the CUM and go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, so there's the come and go, and then they have a spinoff called the get and go. The G-I-T and go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, okay, so I came home and listen, it was a two plane day. I woke up pretty early. I had show the night before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm filthy, I've been sitting in other people's yuck on two airplanes, my ass is swampy. When I get home, first thing I do is I shit and I shower immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now here's why. I usually have you on a 72 hour milking schedule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I neglected to milk my bear before I went on my journey. That's on me. That's my bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when I came back, it was like an overdue invoice was on my desk, and you were like, it's overdue lady, it's past due. Like, collections was coming for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I came in, and the kid said hello to me, and it was like, come on, come on, let's go, let's go. I'm like, are you fucking serious?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But why hadn't you cranked one out? I was gone for three days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you didn't, you weren't jerking off and driving, is what you're saying. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But dude, don't you feel like, do you ever crank them out before you go to sleep so that you can sleep? Sometimes. Sometimes, yea. But you were so tired. I was so tired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even in the hotel, I figure in Austin, like that would have been such a romantic, nice setting. You're at the nice hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Neither, same. Do you think that's a thing? Like there's people that are like, I love


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys watch yourself ever? I mean, I try not to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can I, okay, okay, if you've ever made homemade cinnabons, like you know the kind that you get in the tube and then you crack them, and then it comes with like that container of, of the frosting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much frosting. Yeah. Yeah. That's what, that's what it might. Yeah. On the right. Look like yesterday. Yeah. And then you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the worst part is you interrupted my shit. So then I had to go back and finish my dump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I, I, but here's the thing, in real talk, I'm so appreciative that you, you feel like you can come to me for your cum needs. Yeah. That I can be your cum dog. Like that's, that's the job as a wife is to be your cum dog at the cum and go. I'm your cum and go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you though, as crazy as my mom was, she did tell me that about marriage. She's like, this is your job as a wife. The woman, you have sex with your husband, you have to have sex with your husband. Other advice, you have sex with somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, oh that's, like thank god my mom taught me that. And she did teach me to cook too. She was like, men like when you cook, you have to cook for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's terrible. But I do, even when I don't want to, what do I say to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, you don't even give me head scratches, which I'm gonna work on that with you. I want you to take a head scratchy class, a cuddle class. I want cuddles and scratches and affection, not just come and go. That's all you know is come and go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brooklinen! We sleep in so many wonderful Brooklinen items. Right now we sleep with a Brooklinen comforter and I could not enjoy it more. I actually woke up at two in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brooke Lennon was founded by husband and wife duo Rich and Vicki, just like our jeans. They work together, two mommies, one jeans, to create beautiful luxury home essentials at prices that don't break the bank. Everything they have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During Brooklyn's biggest sale of the year. Shop the Brooklyn and birthday sale starting this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you're listening to this podcast after the sale ends, don't worry. You can still go to brooklinnen.com and use promo code HOUSE to get $20 off any purchase of $100 or more. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Enter promo code HOUSE to get $20 off any purchase of $100 or more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brooklyn and everything you need to live your most comfortable life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There aren't many couples that look good banging, right? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, which category of PO are in? I'm still spelling it because we have kids, so I don't know why I spelled it. But, I thought our kids were in here for a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, when you see, which category of porn do you immediately like, ugh, like you can't even imagine clicking on. Like, I'll start you off with mine. MILF is like, I don't want to see somebody that looks like me or has kids in my porn. Yeah, but you realize- Ew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but in my head, because it's mom in the title, I'm like, I don't want anything to do with like, my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, oh, butt stuff, I don't want to see anal stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks more medical than, yeah, see when I see a dick and a butt, I'm like, no, dude. I don't want to see butt stuffs. I don't want to see squirts. When I see squirts, I click off. Do you like squirts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won't click on squares. Oh, I won't click on super old guy and I'm not interested in that. You'll watch that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like to see exceptionally heavy people, like the whatever, big anything. I'm like, dude, no. Now, are you into specs appeal? Like the glasses thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything with too much of a storyline, I don't want to see that either. Like I don't need a story. I don't care. I'm not watching a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. It's not your fisting. Not into fisting. I could do without that category entirely. Solo male, no thanks. I don't need to watch a Guy J's day. I live with one that does that. British is fun. I like British. Just to spice it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot, and also I don't like when they have orgy scenes in horrible places. I saw one, it was like a picnic scene, and the girls were all on the grass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and the dudes were on the gra- and I'm like, this can't feel good, cause I can tell how uncomfortable that is for everybody. Yeah. What's 60 FPs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Verified models? No way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, you can really get into the details of their lives. Like, did he take out the trash? Is she rewarding him for getting her car detailed? Do you think those kind of thoughts? Is he a good father and husband?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or if I see that her vag is dry, I can tell. I'm like, ooh, that looks like it hurts. You can tell, I can tell when a woman's jeans is dry. I'm like, ooh, poor girl, she's just fucking forcing that thing in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are so woke with their campaigns, so they have plus size models, and now it's armpit hair. I mean, it's so ridiculous, I hate it so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lift your arms up. It's not like she could just have hair and then if it happens to show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For some reason, every girl who has armpit hair, they have to show it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Madonna's daughter Lola has armpit hair. And like every photo of her on Instagram, she's got her arms up to show you the armpit hair. Yeah. And you have to have a lot of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see like that one she just posted with her mom. And uhm, yeah, it's like you know, you know what you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Adidas has been, uh, they've been doing this and I'm always on their website and I don't like it. I don't want to see it. I want to see people that are fitter than me, better looking than me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And who shave, and who are, who are women that are compliant with western standards of beauty. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that, so there's a Sephora buyer house and they have this campaign app too where it's like, you know, everyone's beautiful and all the models in Sephora are not beautiful now. And I'm like, dude, nobody fucking is like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to buy the makeup so I look regular. You buy the makeup because you buy the fantasy, the illusion that you're going to look better with makeup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's capitalism, yes. It's a false promise. Everybody fucking knows that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll be sexier, the opposite sex will love you more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that seriously, and I love Adidas. This is my brand. Gene, I wouldn't buy this because I don't like the photo. Unconsciously, Adidas, if you're listening on a subconscious level, I will go, no thank you. Cause I don't want to look like this Harry Pitts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want it. How hard is it? It's not fucking hard to shave it on. It takes a second. Let's cleanse the palette, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But to capture the video, you're right, I'm always amazed that people keep the camera rolling. Do you think the soup was too spicy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, can you give us some dialogue? Like, Google the chopper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it in Australia, Mike. Can we hear some Australian? Do you want to hear it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did really well. Thanks. I'm so proud of you. Thanks. Thanks, Mike. Thank you. Oi oi ozi ozi ozi oi oi oi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Yeah, you're right. It doesn't feel good. It feels like white pride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh lord. Well, I tell you, that was real good, Tom. Thank you. Can I tell you, I had a uhm, are you going to set up a clip or something? Yea, no, go ahead. Uhm, I had a Pajitski effect of my own. By the way, Rob Eyler did a fantastic job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said that, like, he's sooooo much better than you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't, yeah, I don't know, I don't like it. At all. I would be so, I'd be so upset with you if you did this to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gum is something people chew as a way to relieve stress, curb appetites, and most importantly, fresh in breath. But many people don't realize that gum can also be a vital part of a healthy oral care routine. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they've launched a new gum that's actually good for your oral health and comes with a dispenser that'll remind you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, of the one click candy you loved as a kid. We have the quip dispenser, the gum now in our house and everybody loves it. So you have to try it. It's not a substitute for brushing and flossing, but this is a great support for your oral health.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pair it with a Quip electric toothbrush for adults and kids, refillable floss, and more great products. And if you go to getquip.com slash mom right now,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get a free plastic dispenser with any refill plan. That's a free dispenser at getquip.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash mom. You can also find the Quip electric toothbrush, refillable floss, and more in the oral care aisle at your local Walmart. Quip, the Good Habits Company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, cause I was, I didn't like our exchange, but Rob Eyler's fantastic, I just wanted to say I really like him. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So okay, I had this epiphany today. I've been doing the elliptical every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've been wearing the same sneakers you bought me when I was pregnant with Ellis. So, that's six years old. My sneakers are six years old. And I sweat in them every day. And I had the epiphany, I can buy myself a new pair of running shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but never utility, like actual running shoes. Cause I'm like, I don't need to rebuy those, those are like my work shoes, my working horseshoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I use them so much, I should probably, I should probably replace these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like those boat shoes, the wide, the wide ones. Remember when I was super big?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're, uh, I don't know what the fuck they are. Maybe Azita's? Okay. With the boats on the bottom. And I just love them and I, uh, ordered myself some new running shoes for the first time in six years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only, only if she's, yeaah, severely overweight. And has armpit hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I deserve them. Cause I use them so frequently, but I just never, it never occurred to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Already, yeaah. I'm not gonna go without a phone tr- Now, do you think you'll be switching your clock to the right time anytime soon? Nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I left my toothpicks everywhere. My flossers all over the fucking floor, dude. And I would like drop shit and just not pick it up because I don't give a shit. I don't fucking care. I drop water bottles on the floor. I just left them there. How grosser are you? How much grosser are you when you're in a hotel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm always like, I always greet people, I look them in the eye, I said, I said to her, I walked in, I go, Hi, how's it going? And she just stared back at me dead-eyed, yea, and I was like, hmm, that's, that's a zombie, like, that's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I got my items, my makeup and everything. And then I went to the register and I noticed I had to make a brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I asked her, I said, I go, I go, do you, do you have a bathroom? She goes, yeah. Boop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, does it have like a code? Like a, no. She's like, no, I have to ask my manager to open it. And I was like, get the fuck. So finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. Cause there was like three questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shit in my hand, I threw it right in her fucking dumb face. And I was like, get smarter! No, I ran back to the hotel, and I shit so fiercely, and there was no bidet, and it's so awful, I had to go straight to shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to do shit to shower. And then, as a bonus, the funny bone in Des Moines, I got to shit with the audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the worst and at one point, and I, I drink coffee before my spots cause I'm, you know, up later than I normally am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have to take these like rocket shits, cause I bring my own coffee, uh, the Starbucks instant ones, cause you know, club coffee is terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks man. You know, I just think sometimes out of big cities, people don't have the same sense of urgency for things and they have, like, you, there's just a lot of time. If you live in LA, New York, you get used to a certain, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like also, just so people know who are listening, I don't mind taking a shit next to somebody, but when I'm performing and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you're the name on the, on the marquee. Hey, you're taking it. It's like going to see, you know, Beyonce and then she comes to take a shit. I gotta take a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that's, that's all it is, you know, come on, I take shit next to people all the time. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Cause like, I would love to see what you're seeing. I think I'm starting to like them too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well first of all, do you feel guilty around sex? Like when you masturbate, do you feel guilty after?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you sit down for long periods of time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like crackers? Like crackers that taste like styrofoam? They're not salty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take that shit down. You're gonna have to replace them with a crucified Jesus. Do you mind looking at a guy on the cross with bloody hands and feet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, you Jays believe that Jesus existed, but that he's not the Messiah. You think the Messiah is still gonna come. That's right. You gotta wipe that shit out of your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about Jay's? Do you go to hell if you're bad? Even if you repent?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now good news, you get to experience Christmas with trees and presents and things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Easter's so much fun. There's candy, and you hide stuff, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we don't do that. Wait a minute. No, but didn't you say in Spain, like, the Catholics, like, European Catholics take off every other freaking week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many Catholic holidays. If you really went real Catholic, you'd have a lot of free time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what though? I think at his level, at his age, don't we do a full body baptism? Like they're gonna have to dunk you. Awww.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't say nothing. K- K, Yana, hear me out.


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[Assistant] But, but I'll tell you though, don't you think we abide by morals, Christian values? We are very moral people. I mean, come on.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but we're good people. I know. In our private lives, like, we don't, we're very loyal, we, uh, we're good people.


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[Assistant] Did you imagine if you had an extra 8th day of the week, all the stuff you would get done, but you don't, you don't need an extra day. What you really need is Fiverr, your one stop shop for world class freelance talent. I tell you the other day, I wanted to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like a thing, a poster designed for my upcoming tour and I went on Fiverr and you can find freelancers to do the gig for you. Fiverr's global network of on-demand freelance talent is here to help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether you're launching your first business, scaling your current business, or in need of extra support, from graphic design, copywriting, marketing, web programming, film editing, scoring, music, and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find your talent and begin working on your project within minutes. It's so easy. Customize your search by service, deadline, price, seller reviews and more. No more guessing games. You'll know exactly what you're paying up.


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[Assistant] Check out fiverr.com and receive 10% off your first order by using my code mom and all the digital services you need in one place at fiverr.com code mom. Again, that's fiverr.com code mom.


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[Assistant] So if I, I relate to this. Oh yea, I think everybody does. Everybody wants to say this shit to somebody.


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[Assistant] I don't think I share that sensibility. I like the cruelty. I like mental illness. I don't like people being in terror. Terror. Terror.


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[Assistant] To me that's even more unforgivable given that we have a huge coffee culture now.


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[Assistant] Not expresso, but why do they hear expresso?


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[Assistant] People are so stupid and, and, you know, my dad used to say it all the time when I was a little girl and I didn't believe him. But he said everybody is on drugs.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Addict. Go look in the addict. Like that's not the, that's not the word. That's all.


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[Assistant] It's all, and I, there's a song I like by, uh, Christian Death, it's a goth man. And he says, he says addict. And it makes me crazy, and it's made me crazy since I was 15 years old. I hate it. Addict. Addict, yeah. Yeah.


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[Assistant] But you tell me if I say stuff wrong, right? Like you've been telling me. Yea. Yea, you don't let me say things wrong.


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[Assistant] Something, yeaah, this is Hungarian, this is a problem. Something. That's so fucked up.


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[Assistant] We can't, you can't plan everything. You know, you're still recovering. You're just recovering. Did I say it right?


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[Assistant] Recovering, you're still recovering, and, you know, we'll take our time.


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[Assistant] We'll take our time. People ask me about you all the time. Really? So how are you doing? Will you tell people? How are you feeling? Are you physically? Oh, I mean I'm physically fine.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you've been really dedicated. Yeah. Very dedicated. I know it's crazy when your body...


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[Assistant] You know what's so crazy when it happened? I didn't think it- I didn't even think about this process of rehab. Yea, of course. I just thought people like broke their arms and then you put it in a cast and then you're fine. I had no idea that you had to go through this much rehab.


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[Assistant] I was gonna say that your first worry wasn't can I jerk off with my left arm.


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[Assistant] Gosh, what a bizarro. I'm still in, like I think I, I think I dissociated in December when it happened. Yeah. And I'm still.


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[Assistant] I think it's why I'm afraid of losing you. What would I do, Jeans? Oh my gosh.


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[Assistant] You would put, you'd put me on your own friend, eh? Yea. That would be cool.


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[Assistant] Oh, I think she wanted to put them in the Guinness Museum. Right. They're going to be in, they are in the museum now. I think it said that she was just sick of it. I can see why. Yeah.


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[Assistant] When I had, when I was Tina and I just had those little fakers, I ripped them off after the first 15 minutes cause I'm like, I can't wipe my ass, I can't pull down my pants to go pee. I don't know. I never had long nails like that.


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[Assistant] Ugh. Ew, and you see how gross they grew over? They looked like, uhm, like carbuncles, you know?


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[Assistant] Hey, I'm gonna do Orlando. I might stop and make a pilgrimage to see these disgusting nails.


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[Assistant] I know, cause I thought it was just gonna be, hey, keep naked pictures of the people you bang so that, you know, one day when you're married, you can jerk off or something. Spank bank.


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[Assistant] Geez, and what about him though? He doesn't look great either. Oh really? Everybody. Yeah. I know. Fucking cunt. Geez. Such a dick. You fucknut.


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[Assistant] This I thought was neat because not only is he into pup play, he's a satanic pup player who gives life advice.


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[Assistant] You know your chiropractic videos where you get relief? Like, I scroll through TikToks to feel comfortable and happy inside.


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[Assistant] He's playing Power Rangers in his backyard. Like, it's not that hard what he's doing too.


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[Assistant] I just, like I know we're in an era where we're supposed to support what everybody does all the time and like congratulate them for being weirdos and like I think we should start shaming people a little bit just to put them in line. Like this is super lame. You know, he's not gonna get laid showing his Garfield. I'm doing it for his own good.


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[Assistant] Mud. God, you're such a stick in the mud. I can't believe you don't enjoy this as much.


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[Assistant] You're making me mad. Stop telling me to get off social media. Quit calling me a chomo. I'm gonna get you.


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[Assistant] No, I am not like 20-something years old. I'm 17. That's right. I'm just a 17 year old rapper.


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[Assistant] Hello, this is Captain Marcel. My sister went down. I'm going down to the mountain to save my sister. Tell everybody I'll be back. I need to back up. I'll see you later. Bye. I gotta save my sister. Bye. This is Captain Marcel. Bye bye. Captain Marcel. Bye bye.


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[Assistant] I tried to get him to send me the video of him smoking meth and his dick getting all heart and he wouldn't do it. Yeah, wait a minute. We want to see the video with him. Yes!


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[Assistant] Who is she? Oh, is that my kid? Look out, Chell. Oh, that's the baby? Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks man.


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[Assistant] I swear to lord, what a good baby. Anybody that looking for a baby now, it's a baby out here in the middle of the road, bruh. I never seen no shit like this, bruh.


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[Assistant] Get ready to pull them jeans up high and tight. We're back!


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[Assistant] It's all going down November 20th.


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[Assistant] The leader of the Cool Guy Club is on his way. Yes, me, Danny Brown. Wild Mates Live. It's really happening. Plus, original music by Mark Reddy. Oh, oh my, oh yes.


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[Assistant] From the first chiropractor that I went to. Really? Yeah. He fucked you up? It was a lady and she put me on some table that just kept on like decompressing and she went away for like 30 minutes.


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[Assistant] And then I went on a flight to Israel for like 16 hours the next day. I didn't know that you can time that like that. Wow. And then she was like, alright, so why don't you come back tomorrow and we'll fix the rest of you up. I'm like, I'm gonna be on a plane for 18 hours tomorrow. She's like, why the hell did you do this today? I was like, I didn't know I should.


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[Assistant] Uhm, if it's your first time getting adjusted, uh, they're just, like, especially with the new chiropractor, they're like, you know, this might take like one or two sessions to figure out the problem area. Uhm, and so she's like, yea, come back and then whatever else is hurting, then we'll take care of the rest of it.


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[Assistant] And I was like, I'll see you in like four weeks. Oh wow. And then I found the new one, uh, which I really like and that's the one that was, uh, that we did the live show segment.


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[Assistant] Lord knows I'm not a fan of this J shit. And I don't know if the C stuff is what I'm into.


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[Assistant] Can you guys give me the abridged version? Like what's a normal sea day?


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[Assistant] Wait, what other booze? What other booze can I drink to be a good C? No, just water.


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[Assistant] Now, do- do you guys pray a lot? Do I need to go somewhere to pray?


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[Assistant] I'm Mizzouza. Mizzouza. Take that shit down. You're gonna have to repent.


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[Assistant] I mean, yeaah, that's what gets me heart, so I think I'd be okay with that. Wait, but is that a problem?


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[Assistant] How long am I gonna need to be reciting poems for before I'm like back to square one?


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[Assistant] It's not that big. Ten and ten? Oh, so I could get that done in like... A couple minutes. Oh!


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[Assistant] That's how it works for all C stuff? Yeah. Yeah. I could fucking do the worst thing and then it's just say three and a half poems and you're good.


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[Assistant] I mean, I have some J friends that text me and like you could tell it's like a, like a BCC type text where they just copy and paste it to everyone. Like, hey, if I did anything throughout the entire year that offended you, let me know. Like I'm really sorry. Really? Yeah. And then you just don't respond to those and then you just keep on.