[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, but man, this is so weird, right? So yesterday I get this idea, I'm like, hmm, it's been 15 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or even like, not even like, it's just not healthy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just depends on, depends, cause a lot of times you have eggs over the years with different additions, right? I mean, think about the breakfast. Veggies. Right, or you can, you might have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2 eggs, over easy, with toast and hash browns, so that's a different combination of foods in your belly. And then sometimes you have it real clean like I've been eating lately, that's a different combination. Sometimes you might have pancakes and eggs, scrambled, you know, so all the different variables


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a seven, I'm not, that's not true. Seven means you're fucking sick. It's water. It's just water. That's what Bristol stool seven is. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's what I did today. Yeah. I says to myself, I says self. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yesterday as well. I go, I'm just gonna have something besides eggs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had a yogurt. Yesterday I had a protein shake first. Today I had a yogurt first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had one of those non-fat, or I mean non-sugary ones, like zero sugar. It has fat but no sugar. I ate it, had a coffee, I had a fucking four today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda wanna commend myself for solving this mystery. I did it. Thank you very much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. 12 years. 15. 15 years. Probably more. Yeaah. I've been eating eggs since high school, so it's probably like 30 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just carbohydrates. That's good for you. Yeah, super good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get the real cheese. Yeah, we should get real cheese. You know, absolutely. Full fat milk, if you're gonna do milk. Yeah. Skin milk sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, oh, so, another thing, some of you guys may have noticed, uhm, maybe on one of the live shows, or here on these shows, a new face, I don't know if we did a proper introduction to Danny, joining the team, right? So Danny's been here for a few months, uhm, working with us, and, when I met him, I met him over Zoom,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Met him over Zoom, and uhm, you know, we had a couple conversations, offered him a job, and he moved here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And very smart guy, you know, great work ethic, really, I'm very happy, right, with the hire. It's a lovely guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when I met him, he's a young guy in his twenties. He had this beard, you know, put together. And like a little while after...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got here. I would not see him for a minute. You know, I'd be like, I go touring or something. Got back and there was a period where I remember I got home and I think you were like, Hey, uh, have you seen Danny's hair? And I go, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. It was worse than this. Sure. And I remember, I remember thinking, like, there was the guy that I hired. Right. And then this guy, I was like, I thought, like, if I saw this guy in a mugshot, I'd be like, yeah, this is the kind of guy who gets arrested or something, you know? Like, it wouldn't be... And then all of a sudden, I think, did you guys bring it up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? Quietly, I was really relieved too. Like I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if you showed up in the war room with your old haircut, they'd be like, the first thing you need to fucking do is go get a haircut. You know? Like if you showed up, like, in those pictures, they'd be like, you cannot, you're not welcome in the war room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's make some money. You look like you make money right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look man, it's good now. No, we're so happy for you. And all we know is like, we hope you're on a sketch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. So, another thing that we did recently, again, to celebrate the end of last year, and coming into this year, is that we had an employee


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prime or dry aged? Yes. Or the waigu level and yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First rate dinner. First rate dinner. Yes. Did you like the dinner? Incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I gave out the gifts. Yes. I recorded them for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I'll be like, ah, it's gonna be a real fucking thing to get them out of the car to go pee. So I'll just piss here in this bottle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because I'll do it when I'm like, what do you guys want to listen to? And they'll be like sitting there distracted and pissing this bottle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty cool. Yeah. Uhm, oh! Hey, did you notice anything else in your gift bag?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you did. You said, you guys know your bonus checks were in the bag, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, I figured it out. Thank you guys so much. Very generous. Oh, you did think. Appreciate both of you a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I mean, you really threw me for a loop here. Not sharing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's another thing. I pulled up and there's all these like front of the door spaces. And uhm, they were all taken. So I have to walk further. And then I get here, and their fucking control room is enormous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goofus runs with the scissors pointing up. Gallant walks with the scissors pointing down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you going to be Nadav and Eni or Chris and Danny? That's right. That's a good point. This is a fun game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good idea. Yeah. Oh yeah, we could go to Romania. Go to fuckin' Tate's Booth. I don't know if they'll come back. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once Chris got a taste of the strippers at the live show, it kinda shifted his, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. I agree. And I, I take it the next time I pull up here, there'll probably be a space out front, you know? Yeah. That'd probably be a normal thing. And I hope the control room is a fucking hell of a lot smaller. All right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think he does either. It's a good thing they're calling you daddy. Zaddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is so cool. He still takes it back to, uh, being reasonable. Thank you for supporting me. And appreciative and polite. Like, thank you for the bonnet. Like he says it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I wish we could, see, I would, I would love to, but he wouldn't deliver. Not like in a Tate way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's fuck. It's almost like that negative, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does it have like a, does it say in his Wikipedia what he, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's he doing? What's he doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looked like, uhm, he looked like the singer from, uh, uh, what is it? Virtual Insane? That song you were talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, that song was a hit. But yeah, that mystery guy looked so ridiculous. I remember watching that show because that was, what was it, early 2000s? Early 2000s, great show. And you're like, what? Is this the way you get chicks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would still, here's the thing, I would still watch his show. If this was like a current show, if he's doing it, nothing more fun than watching guys try to get laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing though, you can't, that's a bad, that's a bad, oh yea, hit his Twitter, that's his Twitter there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bad advice is uhm, cause people, some people try to do this, appear to be, try to be a baller. You don't want to ever try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And really what you want from this guy is teach you how to engage conversation. How to talk to women. He's helping people who like, I don't know how to talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I probably would, I was so self-conscious at that age. I probably would have been like you. I would have been like, no, wait, wait, wait, and then camera's off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that's where you went. I'm on road road six, Australia. Six? There was five before you? Mhmm. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not really. But I don't think I ever was that excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always hated wooers, you know, like woo! Like all those, the fucking worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you noticed this fan? A more valuable fan than everybody else here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't do it, like that whistle that makes you like, is your dog here? Why would you fucking do that man? We're indoors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how people can do that sound. I don't know. Aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but there it kind of bleeds into everything else, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, you're like, cause you're also outside. Yeaah. If you're at an indoor place and someone does that whistle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whistle that would make a golden retriever stop running. It's fucking scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was beautiful music. I also was completely confused. I thought we were going to see like an orchestra perform. So did I. And it's a three piece band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a guy on drums, a guy on cello, and a piano player. And I was like, oh, I really thought we were going to see like the, you know, like the LA Philharmonic, like the whole elaborate thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then somebody asked me and they were like, what are you going to see? And I was like, it's Charlie Brown Christmas. That's not what this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's where they, that's one of the places where they go grab a mask. And you had to grab a mask to walk through the lobby. And then it's a small theater, it's a couple hundred seat theater. And then when you sit down, you can take your mask off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, uh, no, I'll, I'll think of something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be cool. Those are really fun. Yeaah. Those are really fun. The atmosphere is like, it's unlike anything else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hours long, but I mean, you know, it's a different fight every time. So what happens is you, you get there, um, you know, the event kind of starts. I would say it's probably, I don't know, three hour plus event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're watching the lower draw, lower tier kind of fighters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the later the show goes, you move to the main card, which is a, but there's also, you know, you can walk out, get something to eat, something to drink. You have access to kind of walk back and forth. And if you're with him, you have these incredible seats. You sit right there in the cage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you'll see it. You'll see people's fucking face get fucked. It is insane. Well, you know, cause fights are inherently exciting. Yeah. And you're watching top level fighters. It's funny cause I saw the highlights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Sometimes there was a real, I guess one that made the rounds of that. Cause I don't know if that's how these, the origins of these rough and rowdy ones, like if it starts with personal vendetta kind of challenge like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, there was one where the guy knocked somebody out, I think one of the more recent ones, and then like continued to say the wildest shit. Like as he was leaving the ring, and it was, it was pretty nutty, I mean he was super disrespectful. Still mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, like, super disrespectful. It's on their Instagram, and he's saying the craziest shit. If you pull up the, uh, their Instagram, uhm, you'll...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you, I don't know if it's that one or the rough and rowdy Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see, uh, you see that second one there? That could be it. That could be it. It was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, oh yeaah, go to the far right there? Is that post fight?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Obviously there's a history leading up to that. I like this. That's what I'm saying. I don't know the setup. I don't know if the setup is similar to beef or how it got there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, they're my favorite couple. Ever. I wonder if she ever actually throws up. Or if she just dry heaps. I don't know dude. There's gotta be a point where sometimes she pukes, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I took you on the hill climb today that you did halfsies on, and we ran into a neighbor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we, we have very nice neighbors. It's like the bachelorette. The bachelorette, yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I know actual neighbors like I've never known before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this one neighbor today, he's like, hey, uh, he goes, I wanna ask you something. And I go, okay, what's up? He goes, you know, I was watching one of your specials. And I was like, uh-oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you don't know where that's gonna go. I don't know if she's gonna be like, you know, my mother or whatever. Yeah, I'm Christian. Yeah. So, he goes, uh, you know you were going on this motherfucker thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? And he goes, ah, you probably don't remember cause you, I go, it's true, I do forget, I do forget bits, you know, cause you do them, you shoot it, you shelve it and you start working on new stuff. So I obviously re like, I can remember it, but he's like, you know, that motherfucker thing you do. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, you know, like talking about the word motherfucker. I'm like, I do a bit about that. I don't even remember this. I don't either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's like, but that kind of begs the question, you know, how that term came about. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go down the hill with him and he's like, I mean, how many guys you think do it? I go, I don't know man, but definitely more than you want it to be. And he goes, yeah. And then I turn around and go up the hill and he's going to go the other way. He goes, I'll keep walking with you. So we turn around and we start going up the hill and he's like, I mean, it has to be right. It has to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, trauma? I'm like, yea, like a personality disorder, abuse, you know, or like your mom's real hot and you just can't wait to fuck her. And he's like, yea, he goes, now, anyway, we keep talking, he's like, now there's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like, and then there's daughter fuckers. That's probably a higher number. I go, yeah, but no one says you daughter fucker. You know, they say motherfucker. And then we kept talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go down the hill again, I turn around and go back up the hill, and he goes, well I'm gonna go this way now. I go, okay, I'll see ya. And then at the end of the walk, he comes up to me, and he goes, no, that's not what it is. Like he had thought about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? And I go. He thought about it. He revised his opinion. What's that? He goes, it's not people who fuck their mothers. And I go, okay. He goes, it's, it's supposed to describe a mean person. It's somebody who would fuck your mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it comes from. And I was like, you're right. You're right. Like the etymology has to be that like, this guy's a motherfucker. Cause what's a- the ultimate disrespect is disrespecting someone's mother. To fuck someone's mom. So the way to describe someone who's mean or real asshole is like, he'll fuck your mom. He'll fuck your mom. That's a motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was like, I go, I go, I, you know, I never really thought about it. And when he planted the seed of like someone who fucks their mother, I was like, ugh, yea, I guess I never really thought about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Condone fucking your mom? For sure, yeaah. Or is it desirable? We've been to war with them. So, yeaah. Uhm, yeaah, he, uh, but he nailed that. Which country is that? You know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did, he did. That was pretty great. He was doing fucking, he was carrying weights and doing lunges.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, yeaah, so it was a lot of moms with their kids, or kids, and then you saw couples come, mom and dad. I don't think we had any dads solo. It was moms and dads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was awesome. That was the best. So their kids are in like the little party room, and the dads are just congregating like, what's up man? Like just shooting the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now here's the thing, I, I, I was engaged for a while. You did great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I welcomed, I welcomed the parents and the kids, I gave out, uh, like cards, these little cards, the kids could play games with. I went into the game place, I took our son, uh, and Alice, and I, but I'm saying, Alice's birthday, so I would take him and he asked me to play a game, I played every game he wanted me to play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched him, he's like, watch me do this again. And I would watch him do it 15 times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, but it also, it ran into being like, it was like hour three. Yeah. Where I noticed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That this place had a massage chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that looks pretty wide. It's a pod. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Google, uhm, best massage chair reviews and we'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see it. That's what I'm talking about. I know. It has some weight to it, you know. It really wraps you in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually we could, we could keep it here in the studio, but we would have it in a room with a door locked that only I have. But it would be a glass door so you could look at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about that? Yeah, let's see, what is the most expensive massage chair? That's another interesting one. It's gotta be outrageous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my God. It tells you you can't afford it. Wow. Let's see. I don't know. Does that like come with the car?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's why you're paying. It's really because the Lamborghini designed it. Scroll to the next, is there another one or is it just a list of one? See this one was in the other, that thing looks insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A hybrid massage mechanism, automatic shiatsu point search system, five finger massage technique. Oh, see, cause like cheaper ones just have like one thing. This makes it feel like there's a hand, I bet. It says five finger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Heating function, facial recognition, voice adjustment. That is, and that's fucking 14 grand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that that feels like, like a pod, but you can really, you can really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like escaping them. You know what I need to do? Go try these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think a big thing is where that thing is. It's huge. Like, no, I'm saying in your house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could take that one chair out of my office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, you know where my prostate is, right? Okay, you cum. Yeah, cum chair. That's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We actually get to see, I didn't know we had this. Fedsmoker working a case. No. I've never seen him work a case. And it actually looks like, like a student film. Like it looks like a shitty student film of like, all right, you're a detective and you're down and out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you sleep in your car, and you drink and you smoke too much, but you gotta solve this case, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is early, I mean his hair looks better, his skin looks better, this is before things changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does have a real dating vibe. Maybe that's why I was so unsettled by it. And I was like, is that Fedsmoker? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, can't you see this playing at like a first year film studio? Like, they're like, okay, I see what you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called Herc, the true fat smoker. Yeah. It's about a guy who's on a plight for justice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you'd at least have to commend some of these filmmaking skills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has a sense of drama. I love it. And performance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he definitely has this sheriff scared. This guy is scaring a law enforcement person, a sheriff, into not giving, he's like, eh, you don't even know my name. He's like, yeah, I'll fucking put you on YouTube, baby raper. And the guy's like, uhm, scary, he's scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An actor in like a, in a movie, right? That's what he's going, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's not a lot left. I know. Hey, I'm gonna take a leak and then we'll do talks. Sure, a leak out of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they have to put a second thing in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Those are kind of like, cooler though. Like, I mean, it definitely throws you, you're like, holy shit. But it's like those eight rings around her neck and she has this long, crazy neck. It's gorgeous. Yeah, they're beautiful. It's like, it's, it's uh, unnatural. Yeah. But the, you know, the lip thing is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way more than half of our listenership didn't think that was funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's not, that's too much. That's too much. Well, how about click that link? Neck elongation, rare facts and stories. Like I want to know what actually happens there because that is quite fascinating. Um, let's see, scroll down a little more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The origins have been used by cultures in African Asia for thousands of years. Oh, back to the 11th century, I did not know that. Oh, there's a little girl, doesn't know her neck's not gonna work one day. Yeah, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another legend claims that the neck rings were used to make the women of the village less attractive, so that the men of the neighboring tribes would be less likely to kidnap them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. If the goal was to make the women look ugly, then the neck rings had the opposite effect. Yea, it's true. Gave them that elegant, beautiful appearance. A long neck is just, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are coils of brass pulled out all. As the neck is extended, the old coil is removed and a new, longer one is added. The neck can weigh as much as 20 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The neck rings don't make necks longer. Contrary to popular belief, the use of neck rings doesn't really make the wearer's neck longer, but it does give the illusion of length. The rings actually push the collarbone and ribs down, making the neck look longer. If attempts are made to truly lengthen the neck by stretching it, serious damage can be done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's you, you're getting somebody else's shit. Yeaah. You call Amazon, you go, hey, what's the fuck, what's your fucking name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get their fucking name and you tell them you're gonna fucking put them on a list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go buy boxers and all those dry, fucking crusty stuffs on the front, you're like, somebody already came in these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like what? What are you trying to say? Soft language. Pussy love languages. This guy's like, that bitch is a bad hire. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do think guys like this though have had really hurtful things happen to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mommy? Could be, or it could be like a devastating thing happened in a relationship, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he's like, all fucking women are, don't, don't, don't marry a useless woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well none of us, nobody should marry a useless person. Yea, it's unattractive. Of course. Who are you dating? This is a useless guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't necessarily know their names, but somebody who he knows maybe had like an office party and then that, you know, he was looking at that person's pictures and he sees these three young, beautiful women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're wearing antlers and he's like, he's excited. He laughed and he also is like, they're cute and they're fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And men go, how can I get a cute girl's attention? And he thinks it's fun to say, reindeer games. Cause they have antlers on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In his brain, somewhere, he thinks that those girls will see this picture, this video. He thinks there's a possibility that they'll see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that, wasn't that like a Facebook thing or something that he was looking at? Feels like, oh I have it here, not bad. Like, when he actually sees them, I think it's like, it looks like a real person's picture, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I bet you he ended up on that, not from like searching reindeer games, but literally it's like, oh my, my cousin's son has a, you know, a Facebook account. And he ended up here and was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yes, if it's an email, it's further, it's further in the lane of what I'm saying in that, like, he is either somebody who he knows sent that maybe, you know what I mean? Like, he doesn't know them, but somehow somebody sent it and it's like, there's something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because even like as a, as a guy, I swear to God, as a guy, you kind of feel like every time you've done, you haven't done this, your version of this, in your brain is that you hope that the girl goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he actually, you know that that's, uh, not gonna happen, like, literally like that, but you kinda hope that the girl will be like, that's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how this old guy is doing like the basically what every guy kind of tries to do. He's just doing it poorly. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What looks like either tight jeans and like a fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, he had no, he went from here to, he was like, like he is, he didn't go back and he didn't extend, he can't handle that weight at all. But his ego is so fucking out of proportion that he's going to tell people he's like, yeah, when I do the hammer press, do like fucking five plates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So nuts. I wish if you're not, if you're not watching this and you're just listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a, like, 12 to 15 foot croc. Easily. And like, it looks like it weighs, I don't know, over 600 pounds. I don't know what it weighs. It's fucking huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right, it was- Negative. I would fucking- I'd shit my pants. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if, if, if fuckin'... That dude had just like, slipped backwards when he was back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then this is the experience of what the fuck are you doing man? I'd be so upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'd be like, I went to the, he'd have like a, so many ER stories. And then I went to the ER.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys, man, that is, that's unbelievable. That looks like an actual cookout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they have a fucking open fire going. Yea, and an ice bucket. Yea, and what is that? 25 burritos? What am I looking at?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I would ever come up with this in a million years. All those prison cooking things are amazing. And also the prison makeup tutorials that the women would do. I love that stuff man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, we gotta run. Thank you guys for listening. Hope you have- Thanks, Gene. We just started, by the way, 2022. This is, uhm, man, this would be at the end of this year. October later this year will be year 12 of your mom's death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We owe it all to you guys for watching, for listening. Thank you for your support. We have so much fun doing this show and, uh, hopefully there's many more years to come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, we'll see you next time. This is pegged. OMG by odd track numbers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the context that we had was that I think he slapped a waitress's ass and then got bounced out. And that was his reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't really know it 100%. I actually thought they grew in bushes or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To confirm it's not ATX, it's SYD.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So special new merchandise available now. Okay. Uh, classifieds. Uh, photographs, biography, artwork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanted, hi-fi, any and all audio equipment. Okay, so he's ju- he wants to buy audio equipment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like shirts and clothes made by Granny Takes a Trip. Oh, shirts made by Mr. Fish of London.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you can help me, uh, and of course make a few bucks for yourself, that would be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so that's the classifieds, uh, merch. Let's see if he offers more than just merch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like he's working on some, uh, on a short from 2019 that he's directing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's directing stuff and he's producing the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the only person he follows. Hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think that there's situations where you guys look like each other. Like if he doesn't shave his beard, then yeah. But I mean, you look like a lot of bearded guys, but once you take the beard off, you don't look like them. In my opinion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Charo. How you doing? What's up there Chamo? Chamo? What's up there Chamo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kick back, call your nuts, and listen to this real ass new shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi guys, my high meat is one year old now, so I'm gonna eat it all at once, just for you guys. Whatever I have left here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that is permanent damage to that book. The way to avoid this is not to line up your spines, but to line up your fore edges and shelve your books as so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They will look uneven at the front, they will be lined up evenly at the back, and this will prevent splay from happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, we got a bunch of new merch right now. Go to store.ymhstudios.com and get that hot new gear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Stamps.com. If you've got a small business, you know there's nothing more valuable than your time. So stop wasting it on trips to the post office. Stamps.com makes it easy to mail and ship right from your computer. Ain't that the truth? We started doing it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since 1998, Stamps.com has been an indispensable tool for nearly one million businesses. Stamps.com brings the services of the US Postal Service and UPS shipping right to your computer. Whether you're in office sending invoices, a side hustle Etsy shop, or a full blown warehouse shipping out orders, Stamps.com will make your life easier. Save time and money with Stamps.com. There's no risk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With our promo code MOM, you get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in MOM. That's stamps.com. Enter the promo code MOM. stamps.com. Never go to the post office again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. You guys know we are huge, huge fans of Satva over here and you should be too because you deserve to sleep on a high quality mattress. If you're sleeping on a dog bed or the equivalent of a dog bed for a human being, you're doing it wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to spend that much money. If you go to a mattress store, you'll think you have to buy the price of a car to get a good mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But luckily for you, the people at SAVA believe you should be able to get a top tier. I mean, a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're the best. Incredible customer service. Uh, mattress takeaway service. They'll take away your dog bed and they'll install that nice plush Satva or Lumenleaf if you want memory foam or Solair if you want the mattress to move up and down. It's all there. Satva. S-A-A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TVA.com slash the shit. Get on it. What it do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YMH Studios here in Los Angeles, California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am Tom, she is Christine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have, you have quite the story about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it was impressive, but you know, I'm obviously not a medical professional. God, you're really up and around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, cause you were like, I need toilet paper, and I go, well go get it. Yeah. And I, you know, you're like, can you bring it to me? And I go, no, I'm not gonna fucking baby you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you, you, I remember you were crawling on the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like seeing it, seeing it the day it happened, like seeing it in person, seeing it in the hospital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, and then like being like, ah, this is gonna be quite a recovery. And then I'll forget. I'll see you just walking around and I'm like, oh yeah, you just fucking wrote that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll show it to you in a moment. Are you kidding me? Yeah, well it's dedicated. For me? I'm sure it's for you. It's, it's pretty, he seems like he's talking to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you say we do? We open the show and we get into so much to talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's fuckin' cool. Now, this is a TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's so spectacular that it left the TikTok folders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, but his is I want to attach my lips to it. Not just, not just I want to eat your ass. I want you to feed me through it. Shit in my mouth so that I can get my nutrition that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I thought this would make you go like, no, this is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he is, he has this message that I feel like kind of straddles the two worlds right now. And I wanna know whether you see it as, you know, I'm gonna take, you know, I'm gonna, you don't know how good I am at this, or if you'll see it as a form of worship that you enjoy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. It's worth a study. Maybe we should kind of refresh with this cool guy exactly how he said it first. This guy right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that is also not off-putting you. That's a red flag. Okay, alright. That's a red flag. Just wondering. It's usually something you should reserve for someone like, hey, you know, we're together and I'd love to eat out of your asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the one I want you to break down, okay? Okay. And picture of course this is a message to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think if you have like a real distinct sound. Nothing like the scratching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just cool, I'm just cool. People dream to be able to do that. They do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would have, you would have laughed that I, um, met up with my dad and we shared a hotel room. Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sitting in a chair, I see him, just standing naked, taking a piss, I'm like, oh my god. You just saw the ghost of Christmas future. Yea, I just see his butt, and he's just like standing there pissing, I'm like, alright, and I just look down, and then, I dunno, I ate something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The second day and I had just the gnarliest, just wildest browns and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there was a couple, like when you had to go back and you're like, oof. And so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much? A little bit but I looked down and there was something on the shower floor. Kibbles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was, it was bad. It was not cool. I mean, it's the best place it can happen. Best place. But it was, it was not cool. And then I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Went, you know, finished showering, got out, sat on the toilet, more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't eat anything wild. I think I just, you know, one of those things. Bacteria? Yeah. Different? Different. Different. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He came out of the toilet and he was like, wow, that was a real blaster. And I was like, cool. And I go in there to pee. So I lift the seat up and there is shit. It's like just sprayed. Like, it's in the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was really something. How did you shit on the seat though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knows, like, he knows what it's gonna look like in the toilet after someone's done shitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People were, people were like, you gotta take this stuff, you know. You don't have to ever eat anything else again if you take this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, it was like immediate. Like I drank the shake, it was alright. And I'm in the kitchen, and I just go to fart, and just water comes out of me. I was like, and the crazy thing is, I go, well, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I end up getting, you know, cleaned up and the next day I'm like, I'm going to have that shake again. I don't think it's the shake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From Robex? It wasn't Robex. What was it? It was the other place. You don't have to let them know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also boarded a flight like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was doing a club, here's what I remember, I was going to do, I'm sure there's a podcast with this that's super old, somewhere down there, where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was doing Virginia Beach, and to get to Virginia Beach, the routing was Connect in Minneapolis, right? This was a Delta flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember being in LAX going up this escalator to the departure gate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being like, man, I don't feel good. But not even considering, well, I'm not going to get on this plane and go to work, you know? Of course, you had to. But I was like, man, I really don't feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember I sat, I was in the front row of economy. So like, you have actual leg room and the, and the bathroom is like right there. Thank God. As the aisle seat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I sat down and they closed the door and I was like, I need to get off this plane. And then we just started backing up and I was like, oh, I feel fucked up. And I started sweating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I land, and all you want when you're feeling like that is you just want help, you know? So I was like, I called my agent, I was like, I'm not, I can't get on this connecting flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I knew I couldn't get on another plane right away. I was so fucked up. So I called you and I was like, find me a nearby hotel. I need to, I need to go rest somewhere. I need to go be sick somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, it's also great for if you have like a fucking six hour flight. You can like sleep at the airport, right? Miami has one. But anyway, you find one like a mile and a half away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, okay. So now I got a place to stay. I call my agent. I'm like, I'm not making this flight. I'm, I'm super sick, man. And that thing is when you're sick, you know, like, you know how sick you are and it feels like you're convincing people that you're sick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing. Now I just want to get there. I don't know how to get there. I'm like, we're taxis. I get in the taxi and he's like, where are we going? And I tell him where we're going. And as we're leaving, he turns around. He's like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, yeah, this is the address. He's like, that's like a fucking mile from here. And I go, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's mad that it's not further. He's like, you know, we, we wait in line to get our rides. They want it to be a 30 minute drive. He's like, I'm just going to drive down the street. And I was like, I'll fucking tip you man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I'm sick. He's like, why didn't you just take, he asked me why I didn't take the shuttle. Oh for god's sake. Cause I fucking didn't. Just drive. So now I'm like arguing with the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I remember is that the, uh, hotel staff was really not, they could like see it on me. They were looking at me and I was like, I need water. I need Gatorade. I need, you know, and then I went in that room just to be, like I threw up a few more times. It was the fucking worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People thought, the doctor thought was like, that juice that I had, uh, the guy, you know, didn't wash his hands or something. Like I ingested, I put my lips to his asshole. He fed me through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like a cold room to sleep in. Yeah, I think that's what I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing. Yeah, I had it like an icebox. It was like 67 in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So about a month or so ago, I get a shipment at my house of Joonshine. Joonshine is coming on board with our show and I go, yeah, I'll try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, I'm already on board with kombucha. Uhm, some people are not, some people go that's not for me, but how would you like a kombucha with a little alcohol in it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kinda good for you, alcohol. It's a nice spin on alcohol, isn't it? It's alcohol that you should be drinking. And that's June Shine. It's delicious. So many incredible flavors. Each can has only 3 grams of sugar, low carb and full of probiotics for your pooper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are 100% carbon neutral. They donate 1% of all sales to environmental non-profits. Their brewery is powered by 100% renewable solar. They plant trees for all those who make our six pack boxes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean this stuff comes right to our door and it's incredible. They have nationwide shipping. We've worked out a special deal. Received 20% off plus free shipping site-wide. I recommend trying one of their best-selling variety packs. It's a great way to try all of their delicious flavors. Go to juneshine.com slash YMH or use code YMH at checkout to claim this deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] J-u-n-e-s-h-i-n-e dot com slash y-m-h.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joonshine can also be found in over 10,000 stores across the country including Whole Foods, Safeway, Kroger and Publix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Squarespace. We're big, big fans. We've actually used Squarespace a number of times to create websites. You can use it to create a website. First of all, you need a website. So don't think you're gonna be somebody who's like, oh no, like just call me. Have a website. Grow up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to the modern era. You need to have a website. And you can use it for whatever it is. Turn your cool idea into a website. Showcase your work. You're a photographer. You're a painter. You're a writer. You want to publish your blog. You want to sell products. You're making anklets and jewelry. Eh, crocheting stuff for your old grandma. Whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make a website. Announce a public event. A wedding. If someone died, you want to celebrate it. You make a website.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beautiful templates created by world class designers. Powerful ecommerce functionality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out of the box, it's mobilized of course for mobile right out of the box. It's the best. I love Squarespace. Head to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let me tell you, I want to change topics for a second. Uhm, Chris Larson really appreciated your September video. Oh my goodness. You're very welcome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that was pretty cool. That was great. So, but what I'm really looking for in your October video...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is I would like you to lay out that the weekend's coming and that you hope everybody has a good weekend and that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have, hope everyone enjoys themselves and is safe and that how great it is that it's the weekend. And then on Monday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta go back to work and that's okay because the weekend makes it worth it and you hope everybody has a great week at work. Should I be writing this down? Yes! That sounds like a lot to remember. You know what? I will... Or should I just shoot from the hip? I think I'll coach you through it in person on the next one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The weekend's good and that, you know, even if you gotta go to work, it's nice to have a job. So I hope you have a good time at work and work's not so bad because the weekend comes every week at the end of the work week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Request if anybody wants any birthday messages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, CP, before we forget, you did something super rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, you know that I've been really into, for a while now, chiropractor videos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I legitimately thought, when this was set up the first time, that we were gonna get someone ripped in half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you let me do this to you? I don't know man. I don't think he looks hurt. He doesn't look hurt at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but also like- It's because it's actually, I think it's bungee cord, you know? Like he bounces, it's not just like a straight wire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's got some bounce to it, which is why I didn't know it was happening. And they're all looking to have a great time. You wanna try it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very, very cool. It was our face. Jessica Currisson. I know there's pre-taped segments that we've already shot, so hopefully those went well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those guys were great. Yeah, they're great. We've sampled them, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could dislocate some things, joint damage. Joints, yea, they just rip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shout out, Drink Champs, N.O.R.E., um, Trick Daddy, letting you know that dudes get ate out too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trick Daddy says that you gotta do it. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, you know what really needs to happen? You need to get buttered up a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I changed my mind. I want Chris Larsen's video to be like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you also think she was fully talked when she was all fired up about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's things that you just- I'm so tired. There's things that you just go like, oh yeah, I have no capacity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to watch it more. That's right. There's no time now. Yeaah. I used to like just, you know, for entertainment, enjoyment, and then, I miss entire seasons. The season will end of that sport, and I'll be like, what happened? And they'll be like, you didn't, like, no, missed it. Didn't, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it seems like a lifetime ago though. It does. It's like asking me like, you remember sophomore year of high school? Like that's what I feel like you're asking me. And I'm like, uh, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. And we had, don't forget that it was like, we're dating, we have full work schedules. Like we're working, you know, 8, 10, 12 hour days on certain things. And then doing stand up at night. So it all kind of just feels like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really does feel like remembering high school, like remember you'd go to school and you had class and you're like, yeah, I remember we went to parties. I remember things like, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where it feels like taking up the, you know, the big part of my memory. I'm like, God, my memories are so stuffed with these last five years. You know, it's such a huge change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Silliness. By the way, uhm, if you haven't, we keep telling people you gotta check out this thing, Game of Thrones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On HBO. What a show. They really knocked it out of the park. And no one's talking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it is quite a program. It is. They're doing a great job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I remember like when I first heard about this show and someone was like, and there's dragons, I was like, I'm good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, a lot of people heard me say it on Rogan, uhm, about my father, uh, sending me photos of his taint. Oh boy. And, and then continuing to show me them. Uhm, so, we're gonna give him a call here in a moment. Oh. And, uh, hopefully get the scoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On why he's doing that. Alright? Okay. And then we'll come from there, we'll go have our guest. Sounds good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ready? Yeah, Gene. Let's do it. Party. Alright, let's call my dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I noticed that. Uhm, so what I wanted to ask you about was I went through the unique experience of having you text me


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And mom, mom said that she was really thrilled to be your photographer. That you would hold your legs up in the change my die die position and that she would take photos and then show them to you and you're like, no, that's not good enough. Take another one. So she had to repeatedly take


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people are asking me if I can share your photos. Can I share those photos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you also showed me like, I think there was some like some pre-op photos and then the stitches and then some post stitches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, so I hope you're, because I don't want you to have something like that happen again, staying hydrated. I know you're not a big fan of H2O as most men in your age group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would go on these jogs in fucking Florida and it's 97 degrees and you get back and you'd have a Diet Coke, like a psycho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is so full of shit when he's like, I'm watching when I eat. It's such bullshit. Yeaah. No, he, he will literally, first of all, I've seen him, I've seen him go, like, uh, you know, take a pill, you know, a vitamin or something, and take, let's say this was water, he goes, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I'm drinking water. And I'm like, that's a sip to have the, the pill go down. He's like, yeah, with water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, yeah, but you didn't drink water. Like, that's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just had like half an ounce of water and he's like, that's like the water I needed to drink for today. And you're like, wait, what are you talking about? Like there's no water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about on Monday, when I had that, uh, remember I had that salad? And you're like, yes. Three days ago, with one of your meals, you had some salad. He's like, so now I'm not healthy? And you're like, I mean, you gotta do it all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, well, he's the best. Uhm, I'm really excited for our guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll take a quick break, and when we come back, the great Shane Gillis will be here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the leaves are about to fall. While Mother Nature does her thing to prepare for the new season, you can do yours by seeing how much you can save on home and auto insurance. Policygenius can't help you refresh your cool weather wardrobe for autumn, but they can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make it easy to see if you're overpaying for another kind of coverage, home and auto insurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never a bad time to find ways to bundle your home and auto insurance and save on coverage with Policy Genius. They make it easy to compare those rates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've saved customers an average of $1,250 per year over what they're paying for home and auto insurance. They've saved new customers an average


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love my whoop, I haven't had it on for a minute because I got hurt, but now I'm back and I'm at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm hurting people and I'm training and I'm running and I'm lifting and I like whoop to tell me how many calories I burn torturing that soul. And it's amazing that I get all this insight into my body. I mean, strain coach, sleep coach, ah, get at it. And I know it all because of whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoop lets me know if I've recovered well, if I've slept well. And best of all, I love the sleep coach because the sleep coach will tell you, hey Tom, it comes on your phone. I have it on the app and it says, hey dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want to be able to get out after it tomorrow? You want to hurt something tomorrow? Go to bed. By 10 45.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sleep until seven. And then I know, I'm ready to go. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For our listeners, if you've been thinking about giving whoop a shot, there's no better time than today. For our listeners, you can save 15% off a whoop with the code yourmom. Go to whoop.com. Use the code yourmom at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. Know yourself with personalized recovery, strain, and sleep insights from whoop.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back and joining us now is a very funny comedian, you can see his special


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For free on YouTube right now it's called Live from Austin. Give it up for Shane Gillis. Let him hear it everybody. We are so happy. Dude, I gotta tell you man, I legitimately laughed so hard watching your special. Like it was really, really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I'm being, I'm a hateful cunt too, but I actually feel like it, uhm, the main thing is that I just get bored watching stand-up. You know? Because, and I'm not even saying cause like, I, my taste is, it's just that like, I've seen so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've sat in a thousand showrooms that you go like, well, like maybe something will start funny. And then after like the second thing, I'm like, I watched your whole, I laughed so hard. It was really funny and I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fully endorsed, like if you just go on YouTube, you don't have to sign in and fucking watch it. Really funny. It's on your channel, right? Yeah, it's on Gillian Keeves. Gillian Keeves. Yeah. Which is another fucking hilarious thing. It's a sketch show. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I, I think I messaged you on that Trump dating one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, and you know what else was fun? I don't want to give away your, your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a, this is gonna be a high risk reward kind of thing because he's become such a, you know, he's like a caricature of a person. But you did find, you did nail it in that you got down, a lot of people who were doing Trump stuff weren't doing the hand things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's very similar. And he always did the hands, and then he comments on what he just said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you almost, I think people were so worked up about him, you know, which I fully understand. I mean, I was like, this guy is out of his fucking mind. He's bonkers, dude. He's so crazy. Our president was wild. Wild. Look, he's doing that. Yeaah. On 9-11. He has done nothing that presidents do. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna, here's what's going on. We're gonna feel, he was like, fuck them. I don't like them. They don't like, they don't like me. I don't like them. It's crazy. It's good to have a pet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he puts out statements that are, cause that, you know, when you retire or when you're out of office as a president, you're a former president, you can release a statement, right, that goes to the press. He's put out some that are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That are long winded and like just have all types of made up shit in it and it is fucking entertaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah, because he's the one guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like when you talk about, um, debates, it's just bull, it's just like, I believe in taking care of the environment. It's like, it's just the standard. And he was the guy who was just like, go fuck yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always think about too, that like, I was just talking about this, how every election, you know, this country is amazing, like the innovation, the mind, like what we have come up with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we were in Mexico, like, you know, everywhere is masks and then when you get in the car, we got in the car, as soon as we got in the car, the guy goes, you can take that off now. Oh, he was just like, it's just for show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you a Notre Dame fan? I am. Oh wow, dude. I'm a big FSU fan. Oh, nice. And uh, I watched the first two drives, I was like, they are going to kick the shit out of us. And I watched that game and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even when I saw the first big score for FSU, I was like, this is just something for them to get excited about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you, yeaah. I've been, yeaah. Oh my god. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. That's a whole, people don't know Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, people think of Florida, they usually either think of Disney or Miami. And then when they think of Miami, they think of just like South Beach, like the beaches. And they don't realize this is an enormous state with an enormous population, many of whom are rednecks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are, well they're beautiful babies. Yeaah, there's some, when we were in high school, I went to high school in Florida, we would just like, that was what they would try to sell you on to go to any one of the schools, they'd be like go to FSU because the girls are unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That fucking pregame atmosphere. The Tomahawk chant. Chief Osceola. Florida State's cool. College football is the best. It's the fucking best! I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're one of the rare northeastern guys. I have a lot of friends, you know, and they're like, why do you like college? I'm like, I can't break it down for you, man. It's just better. It's the whole atmosphere is amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That headdress that is, that the guy wears is not like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone from marketing. It's from, the Seminole tribe signs off on it. They go, this is what it should look like. Yeah. So they have like, they have a unique and long partnership. I hope they're the, the last one standing when everybody gets- The last of the Mohicans. The last, oh yes, of the, cause it is like in, in honor of the Seminole nation. That's awesome. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get back to like the fucking Halcyon days where they're, they're number one and just decimating people. And then people have to say Seminoles over and over and over like on the news and just fuck people up. And literally, and then when you're, they say, they say scalp them, you know, they're always like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, I'm sure they, they sell like severed gator heads and shit like that. That's right. That's so fun. It's so much fun. It's the fucking best, man. I'm gonna go to a Texas game. Oh, nice. In a couple weeks, yeah. Who are they playing? Do you know which one you're going to? I'm going to Texas Tech Texas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh nice. At Texas. Yeaah, that'll be fun. Yeaah. That's gonna be, that atmosphere should be fantastic. Yeaah. Although it's taken Texas, uh, about fucking two decades to get their shit together. Yeaah, for sure. So we'll see. We'll see. Anyway. Exciting stuff. Um, it's exciting stuff. Um, yeaah, so what did I want to show you? There's so much stuff here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause obviously to do your, to do the Creek in the Cave special that you did, those seemed like they were fans that came, they weren't just like randoms. Yea yea yea, they were fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this, I predict that you're gonna start seeing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause this is gonna do like seven figure views for sure. Oh, it will. It will. And, and you're going to start seeing that translate on the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just gonna keep growing for you, man. It's gonna be fantastic. I hope so, thanks. Yeah, it's gonna be fantastic. Uhm, and you live in New York, do you, are you a fucking eight spots a night guy like everybody? Yeah, I try to, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what ends up happening? I mean, I remember this from when I first started doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that you then do sets and look, there's just no other way to describe it. Your sets end up being better because you're, you're performing all over the country and then it starts to stand out. Like how come your sets are, you're so much tighter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I'm touring all the time. Yeah, because I just performed in a tent in Lafayette. Yeah, right. And then those people still don't leave. And you're like, hmm, well how come your, how come your stand-up never progresses?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you sit here. That's why. You sit here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best comics are comics that do stand up to the most, like, amount of people. Or like the most variety of people, you know? And do tents and Lafayette. Yea, yea. This is why I wanted to show you this so that you are, you know, just like, well informed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost to a degree, I think you kinda go like, oh I get, I get what's happening with Dave, like when someone goes, I'm not he or she, and you're like, okay. But then you're like, wait, you're Bug?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bug dyed Bug's hair green, it looked real cool now. What the fuck man? Come on. Come on with your bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like brisket. I love brisket. Yeaah. I didn't realize before, like, growing up, barbecue, I always thought of just ribs, you know? Me too. And now, living there, you go like, oh, it's your brisket game. I didn't even know, I don't- And that's other level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Front chest? Oh, the front chest area near the bottom. Two briskets per animal. This used to be your food, you said?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how you guys are like, oh no, bacon, just the most delicious stuff's okay. Fucking brisket. You're not giving up anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought of you, I thought of you, I went to Jewboy's, uh, burgers. Uh huh. Phenomenal. It's good? Really good. Real good J food? It's just a burger, but it's a really good burger. Is there pastrami on it? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called Jewboy's Burgers or something? Yea. Yea, Jewboy Burgers. And you walk in and you're like, let me get a Jewboy. And they're like, alright. Yea, there it is. Jewboy Burgers. They love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The difference in weird guys, the weirdness. So there's a California weirdness, right, where you walk through and you're like, look at this weird fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like Johnny Depp. And then there's Texas Weird. And I think the difference is, Texas Weird


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Buy a gun. Any day, anywhere, anytime. You used to have to, it wasn't that hard to get a concealed carry permit, but you still have to pass the test. No longer. Yeah, you can just walk around. You just get a gun. Take it to the movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well with the way that people get upset at people these days over anything, that's the only po- You know what I mean? People argue, we got delayed on our flight yesterday and a fucking guy came up in his scrubs and was like, I'M GETTING OFF THE PLANE!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's big news from my favorite home security company, SimpliSafe just launched their new wireless outdoor security camera. That's right, SimpliSafe, the system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The U.S. News and World Report names best home security system of 2021 just got even better. This brand new outdoor security camera is engineered with all the advanced tech and security features you want and need to help keep you and your family safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fantastic. We got it, uh, set up, I think you got it set up at the house. One of the guys has it set up outside their home. And it has, gives you that feeling of security and safety, uh, that you can access whenever you want to see. It has an ultra wide, 140 degree field of view so you can keep watch over your entire yard. It has 1080p HD resolution.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With an 8x zoom, that means you can zoom in and clearly see things like faces and license plates to capture critical evidence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely fantastic system. To learn more about the exciting new SimpliSafe wireless outdoor security camera, visit simplisafe.com slash your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's more, Simplisafe is celebrating this new camera by offering 20% off your entire new system and your first month of monitoring service free when you enroll in interactive monitoring. Again, that's S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E. Simplisafe.com slash your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is fucking, ugh. Wait, is that it? Yeah. That's my dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know how much I wanted, I mean this is gonna sound like, but I wanted this black eye with dreads to just notice it. Just so I could hear like, come on man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she was doing it with her big ass cowgirl boot on her kid. Yeaah. Gnarly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not pro choice, but if it were between a guy being shirtless jogging or a girl getting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or getting, or not being allowed to have a abortion, I would choose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you do? Tank tops or flip flops?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn! How much were they back then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so fun for people watching it. It's almost like your brain's like, it's like saying like, this tastes good. Stop eating. You're like, yeah, but you know, I want to go do it again. Like it, it feels good. It's so good. But I remember also in that, um, that particular sketch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The supporting actors were all fantastic, especially like that closing girl. Kyla.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. If you haven't seen it, just go Gillian Keeves, uh, Trump Speed Dating, and you can watch it. Uhm, yeaah, it's fucking amazing. Uhm, I think I know, well, you know what, so we play this little segment we call Horrible or Hilarious, where I play clips, and then you just tell me whether you think it's funny or terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I think if he would have just stayed in the seat, it'd be fine. He'd just be laying on his side, you know? It was trying to jump out and then it, the weight of it on top of him that he probably broke a leg or two. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn. He tried to throw a haymaker if you're listening at one of those like arcade, you know, uh, speed bags that tells you how hard you punch and he fucking missed completely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, I did it at uhm, there's a comedy club that has it in the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lobby. Uhm, really? It's the, uh, I think it's the one in Oklahoma City. The Brickhouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they have it there. And then they have this gorilla that works there. And so I just, you know, I was giving it everything I got and I was like, let's see, you hit it and that fucking thing. I was like, oh my God. I mean, he's, he's, you know, god damn it went like all the way to the max.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is no good. This is terrible. I don't think that's it though. Uhm, does everyone know what I'm talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I do. Yeah, it's rough, man. I saw one where this guy put, uh, this guy put like 20 plates on a thing, and I was like, this guy's legs are gonna blow up, and then he just did, uh, he went like this with them, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's impressive. Yeaah. Uhm, no, I mean this isn't it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I've seen that, yeaah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Uhm, so are you touring, uh, like the rest of the year? Yeaah. It's like dates all over? Yeaah. And it's all at ShaneGillis.com?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, go see him live. Do you wanna, should we show Shane some of your talks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, Christina's Curations here with Shane Gillis, let's see how this goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Silly. You know what's fucking is the worst in like our business, in like the touring business, when they go, hey do your announcement that tickets will be coming up. No. And you're like. No, why are you doing that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's be real clear here. If you weren't white, you didn't contribute. Okay? Alright, next video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I'm gonna scroll ahead. Let's scroll. Let's see what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, especially when I see that little mouth open there. That does turn me on. That little peek into that yapper of hers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, dude. These motherfuckers are the craziest. Mark, come to the site. He's stuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, it'll be in the fraction of a second. It'll just be, it's licking its head and then it'll just be like, and then all of a sudden they will tear him up like a ragdoll and then they'll fight over him, you know, possession, so head will come off, legs will come off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. You don't, nevermind. I get tagged a lot. Tom, this is your twin. There you go, this is your twin if you didn't find comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have a brand preference? I don't. No?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would terr, that would terrify me. Terrify! Especially cause you, you get scared and you go, oh that's a prank. It has to be fake. Yea, and then you get closer. And then actual, just liquid shit just shoots at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think she has got some other things going on. I think she does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, so a lot of times when we go through your talks, I get a certain emotional experience. And today's is uncomfortable and somewhat sad and I realize that I want to leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fire has to exist, you know? And, and... Fire's cleansed this earth, Tom. They're a natural part of being on this earth, and you're like, what kind of fucking bullshit is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he said that to me. Yeah, he goes uhm, he thinks that like, he's like, they can't, it's not their fault. So we should uhm, like kinda, not like celebrate them, but give them a place where they can... Give them like an island. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would call, if you're listening right now, her tits are a monstrosity. I mean, they are just the most gargantuan, ridiculous tits I've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's me and Matt. It's Matt and Shane's Secret Pocket. It is crazy, like, too, to open a comment on something. Like, stand up. For sure. And then, like, the comment I see is like, damn, you're fucking ugly. And you're like, wait, what? I know. Jesus. I thought this was about to stand up. And people are like, you're ugly as fuck, dawg. Yeah. Okay. What happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the odd thing is that almost, not never, but almost never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always dudes. So it's dudes doing it to women all the time, but it's also dudes doing it to dudes. You know, if I get a compliment, it's, uh, no. So the compliments come from men too, which is odd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn dude, you look like shit. You're like, cool. You need to sleep more. You're like, alright. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, you can't live to please that group, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They get hate too. That's what really lets you know, is that like models and like super celebrities, people are like, your fucking forehead's weird. Margot Robbie. Some of your teeth. What do you want her to do man? Like, the teeth aren't nice enough for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was a lot of fun, man. I want to say it again, uhm, live from Austin or live in Austin? I forget what it is. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm really excited to meet you, man. I think you're going to have huge, huge things ahead of you. Thanks. So uhm, high, high hopes and I think you're going to get, uh, crazy views on this, but it's really like, there's people been in here who I'm like, yeah, it's funny. And like, congratulations or congratulations on getting a special and all that stuff. I celebrate the most. I love when people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, put it out on YouTube. Uhm, and it's something that like, if you're considering doing it, what you should do is make sure you ask yourself, are you ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, tell me. Uh, I think it could be an email perhaps because the, the picture is a full screen. That's a full screen picture. He's not like on a, on a profile or something. That was a full picture. So it's either email or potentially on his hard drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I do gotta say, I appreciate all the comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drugs and alcohol kinda took me out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a 25 year subscriber to both Playboy and the New Yorker Magazine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they were born between 1997 and 2012.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, in the original- in the song that we see him rapping in right now, he just said under 26, so it seems like the requirement is kinda...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think that this is also a performance, like he's performing a song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the parking attendant might be female.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, and although she does have all of her teeth, I will say that a lot of them do look very chipped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In order to meet low emission requirements, a double vacuum advanced distributor has been developed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Its purpose is to assure that the spark will be fully retarded when the engine is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The result is, as soon as the throttle is opened, the advance jumps ahead six to eight degrees. And when it is closed, the spark is quickly and fully retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, what are all you guys doing living with these chicks that you're not married to? This is a bad idea. This is brought up in a comment, a couple comments on the last video, and I would have to agree. This is a real quick way to fuck up your life for all you young dudes. If you're not gonna marry her, don't live with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm doing my thing, and he's like, easy Tony Hawk, you're grinding really hard on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Yeah. Uhm, but also I was like thinking, cause I'm personally like, I don't have any plans to do anything to my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to, I feel like I should make an announcement that's like for my next trick, I'm going to age gracefully.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would rather put pantyhose over my head and put them up for the full day than put things, injectables.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've even seen, uhm, I mean, I don't wanna call them out, but I've had younger women, younger than me women open for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes you look older, because you look, it's like, wet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went, I've had acne on and off for years. Well, it started in my twenties. And so I occasionally get facials, but usually they're nightmares because they don't make it worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And no, this was a good woman. Oh, okay. Normally I go to a dermatologist that I expect to be a real doctor and they're like, let me stick a needle in there. I'm like, where? Oh, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Repeatedly to needles in my face. But this gal was great. She actually used to be a waitress at the improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her name's Trina. Anyways, she just was like, you're good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, she's told me some like beta anti-accident stuff to put on my face, but she was like, you have high cheekbones. That's going to be, help you out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's out of nowhere. Yeah. And then they're like, oh well let's not make it look out of nowhere, so let's make you into a cat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, like, you're, uh, when you get those emails that are like, you agreed to pay this on PayPal? And you're just, I don't, sometimes I don't even know what I've got going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, that's actually a hot tip for everybody, is to go onto their phone, go click on your Apple ID clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Click on your name and go to subscriptions and see what you got going.


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[Assistant] That happened over time slowly. That happened too now. Look at us. Well, this was free for me. Thank you. Yeah. Appreciate you. Cost me a fortune. This is, this does have the vibe of. It's good water. Of really nice water. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I tried to take, like I did, I tested high into French in college cause I took it in high school. And I think if you're competent, anyway, I tried way too hard on the entrance, the college.


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[Assistant] Well, I was just like, I tried to do well on it. Oh, okay. Why would I do that? I tested into French 301 and they're reading full books.


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[Assistant] So I said can't do that, and I was like I'll take Italian 101.


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[Assistant] Conjugations, learning all the, I'm over here, did you watch, sometimes like if I'm watching something in French, did you watch a Lupin?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Not be- I don't- I'm not an expert on directing, I don't mean it like...


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[Assistant] Yeah, there are times during the fights where it's just like, I don't know, they're not, it's, I don't know, my boyfriend called it like a European fight scene.


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[Assistant] And, um, and the year ended and I, I sent them the hour that I had, but also, I mean, I've worked very hard, but I also write for TV. So I don't, I'm not full time stand up.


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[Assistant] Anyway, so I sent them the hour that I had, it was from like Arlington Drafthouse, which I love that. Do you remember that song? Yes. It's great.


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[Assistant] Uhm, anyway, so I taped that and sent it, and I was like, this is fine, but it just felt disjointed. There wasn't any sort of like...


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[Assistant] I don't know. It was fine, it was an hour of stand-up. But anyway, Netflix was like, no.


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[Assistant] And, uh, and then I just, I was writing on The Last OG Season 3, and...


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[Assistant] And that's when JP, who books come. JP Buck, yeaah.


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[Assistant] I guess Team Coco got asked to curate, uhm, HBO Max's first series of stand-up specials. Wow.


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[Assistant] And because I've done Conan a couple times and the Pete Holmes show and I worked for Pete on Crashing.


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[Assistant] JP knows of me and- JP's great. Yea, he always checks in. He's just awesome. So he let me know that that was happening and asked if I had anything. And I sent him that. I was like, I'll tape this week in Milwaukee. And he was like, this is great. Let's do it.


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[Assistant] And he doesn't want anything other than to put on a good show.


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[Assistant] And, uh, but they have a high stage, which I actually hate.


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[Assistant] And for re- for some reason this hour, like, you know, I- I- my stuff is very personal.


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[Assistant] I, I spent this weekend with some, a new friend in Georgia, a friend of a friend, and he was asking me like the classic thing that everyone asks like, is that stuff real?


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[Assistant] I understand that they think there's a fabrication.


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[Assistant] But anyways, so this hour was particularly personal and so I just really didn't want to be on a high stage. And I just, I even found myself like, especially the bell house in New York. You had done that? Yea. It feels so high and I found myself like starting to squat and like just like get, I know that sounds so weird.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I just wanted to get lower, and then I played this fun place in Salem, uhm, did I just forget, Washington.


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[Assistant] JP didn't push back, uh, he was like, we'll make it happen, don't worry. But it was Rory at the, like, Conan's holiday party. He was like, uh, you know, you're, oh, congrats on the hour, I know you're doing one.


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[Assistant] And I was like, yeah, but they just don't like the stage. He's like, no, fight for what you want.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he is brilliant. But he was one who pushed me to say like, no, fight for what you want. You can get exactly what you want.


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[Assistant] And then it was actually, like a lot of my friends in comics helped me get ready for this hour.


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[Assistant] Truly. I was at the store a couple weeks before I was filming, Sklar Brothers are watching, and I walk off stage, and they gave me a bunch of tags. One's like the closure to my special.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Isn't it great? Yeaah. It's so fun. The funny thing is like...


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[Assistant] Uh, do you remember Colleen? She used to go to Montreal GFL and she helped book Cap City for a while. She was in that world. I remember after I was a new face, she was like, how much time do you have? And I was like,


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[Assistant] 40? She's like, but honestly, I was like 30. 30. Yeaah. Alright, we'll feature you. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] But I was like, uhm, I remember being over at Rami's and I was talking to Azar Usman. I don't know if you know me, the Chicago guy.


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[Assistant] And I was like making him laugh, ripping on, uhm, Aziz's special.


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[Assistant] I mean, I'm all down for a Yelp review, but I...


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[Assistant] And then it was like, I need to go to the bathroom to scrape this dry-


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[Assistant] Why would I do that? And also me, if somebody, I mean I've been dry fingered in 9th grade, it sucks.


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[Assistant] I've exp- I've experienced such a large load that it got in my eye, which stings. Had to ice that.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and then dribbling, like barely anything.


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[Assistant] I mean, I would imagine it's helped you guys conceive more easily but I don't know.


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[Assistant] Just focus on the top. There's not much. Not too hard. You don't need to like, yea definitely not too hard.


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[Assistant] Softly, softly, gently, maybe with the tip of your tongue a little bit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, warm it up. Warm it up. Start slow. And then I would just say like, uhm, a consistent, like that'll do it.


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[Assistant] And then I think, like, some guys like to kiss around down there and stuff, and it's like, that's fine, I guess.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and like you said, the hard part I- well you said it actually, we were talking about stand-up, but-


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[Assistant] You eventually just get to a point where you have to just say what you like.


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[Assistant] I've also had guys say stuff to me that's haunted me.


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[Assistant] Yes, like, I love this cause he's listening.


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[Assistant] My boyfriend said something to me like one of the first times we were sleeping together.


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[Assistant] I mean this fucked with me for months, it was bad actually. Okay. So I'm on top of him, which is how I like to come.


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[Assistant] And I'm not thinking anything of it. And in fact, the feedback I've previously gotten is like, oh, you know your body so well and this is hot.


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[Assistant] So I'm doing my thing, and he's like, easy Tony Hawk, you're grinding really hard on me.


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[Assistant] Yes. And I don't really think it was that hard. Also, he's a huge man.


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[Assistant] I was blessed with also a tank ass. Really? Yea, me and my sister.


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[Assistant] Party thighs. My mom used to call my legs tree trunks, which I tried to explain was damaging. But yea, you could parkour off these babies.


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[Assistant] But I really shot up, I kinda got a little too tall, and then...


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[Assistant] Yeah, they're, they're small and it doesn't mean like Dominic Dawes, I think was one of the taller women. I, I met the magnificent seven from the 1997, like Atlanta gymnastics or American team. Like I have their poster and they signed it. Cause that's when I was in it. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but what, wait, what were you just saying? Oh yeah.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, they are pretty small. Yes, they're little people.


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[Assistant] But uhm, yeaah, and the boobs thing, I always say, like, I don't know, I think it's probably like a weight lifting thing, or they bounce them off.


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[Assistant] And so I think it's the same thing with gymnastics, like you're just like not thinking about all the ways your neck can break, you're just...


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[Assistant] Yes, yes. I'm trying to think if we had any major injuries. I mean, like the worst thing that happened to me was, you know, the classic trying to do a trick on the beam and just, ka-kunk.


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[Assistant] What would the zap do to you? Like maybe if you were depressed you wouldn't be anymore.


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[Assistant] I think if we got to see that more detailed, we'd have a more visceral reaction. I know. Like I still did. Yea, I've got a few more for you. Okay, I'm ready.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he, he, he may have been drunk enough to just...


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[Assistant] Thankfully it was just like a one story house, it did seem doable.


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[Assistant] We didn't see that the end goal was to try to make it to the other side. It felt like he was just gonna jump in the crack.


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[Assistant] I don't know why, but guy on the table is like what it feels like when you're having sex with someone, like whether the guy or the girl, one of us has to go to the bathroom. It's like you're just like...


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[Assistant] That's what you go for with your career, you know? Like people saying like, I should know em.


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[Assistant] Even like, and then of course like the 40th person will be like, you should name it best selling.