[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, cause I'm afraid of like, I don't want to get addicted to them, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't want to show you guys now cause I wanna, I wanna properly decorate it and stuff and then I'll reveal my scoot scoot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That thing is so great. And it's just, uh, yeah, I feel better. I'm happy. I'm chillin' with my kids, man. Doesn't get any better. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm, I'm hashtag blessed. I'm all good. It's all good for now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These had been living in this washing machine and I was called to remove them. So I carefully lifted the lid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I found a beautiful hive full of honey and very gentle bees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I looked inside I saw layer after layer of fresh honeycomb. The bees had worked so hard to build this hive, and I wanted to do everything I could to preserve it for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I started to remove the outermost parts of the hive with nectar and honey. Then I reached the heart of the hive, the brood nest. This is where the queen lays eggs and where the baby bees are born.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything that I removed from the washing machine would be given right back to the bees in their new hive. But these pieces of comb were pretty big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next I started scooping bees out of the washing machine and putting them into the new hive as a professional beekeeper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked around and suddenly I saw the queen at the back of the washing machine. She was a strong and beautiful queen. So I put her in a clip to keep her safe and I put her in the new hive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I scooped a few more handfuls of straggler bees into the new hive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I returned just before sunset, most of the bees had moved into the new hive. So I loaded the bees into my truck and we drove home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had just enough daylight left but I was able to get them settled into their new home in my apiary and it was another great day of saving the bees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mira, tiburón. Aquí estoy comiéndome unos chitos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] AT Top, Roger Watson Arthur here. I want to try a new training. When you see a cop coming at you, throw a number one out your window. Just hang your arm out the window, throw a number one up. Let them know we backing them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've just been doing it my whole life, so I don't know how to do it any other way. I mean, I guess I do, but it's uncomfortable, you know? It'd be like, imagine if you did that now, my way, how uncomfortable it'd be. It's the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I mean as long as I can remember, yeaah. You ever slip in? No, thank god, no. I've always been scared of it, but no. You missed them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do it just like that. That's not an exaggeration. That's a hundred percent. It's more healthy for you that way, right? That's what I was told. I was told it was the optimal way to do it. I'm not even playing. I'm not playing. You would have no problem with an outdoor shit. No. That would be your shit. That's right, yeah. It'd be just like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, it's uh, it's always hard cause again I dissociate so it's tough to come up with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's just whenever, whenever it's like time where basically there's no chance I could hold it anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not good. He doesn't shit every week. Well no wonder you have to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gonna poop more. I don't mind the position. It's just the amount. Dr. Drew said I'm good, man. We all Gucci. No worries. That's what Dr. Drew said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want it to be for the show? Is that what you're saying? I'm saying that like, I mean, Drew asked me something similar and I was saying that I would more than likely do it for show before I would do it for myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My own doctor too, my own doctor said it wasn't that big of a deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was surprised, she was like, that's crazy, but it's actually not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I am a, uh, what is it? It's Charmin. Charmin, triple, triple roll. Is it clean up crazy after a two week shit? Is there blood? Uh, no, no blood. Um, is it crazy? Uh, it takes long, yea, it's a long process, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I got the process down at this point, you know? Sure. Two hours. Put it in the sink, then you wipe, and then you do the wet wipe, and then you do the dry wipe. Hold on, back up. We gotta get you a tushie in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I work with him every day, I still don't believe it. I don't know how the fuck he does it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get better with age. Uhm, you, you become more attractive in the eyes of women the older you get. And the more money you get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not rich, uh, but I do have some wealth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm able to do cool things like travel the world. And I can afford to go anywhere in the world. I've been all over the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My stocks are growing and, and around 10, 13 years if I continue putting the money that I've been putting and in the same investments and they'll continue performing the way they have been performing for the past 30 years, I'll be a millionaire in about 13 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not so much in Europe, but I did have some girls take a liking to me in Europe. And I slept with like 10, 11 girls in Europe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women age like milk. The older a guy gets, the more attractive he tends to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A man can be 40 and attract a 20 year old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm pretty sure by the time I'm 40, I'm gonna get 10 times as much pussy that I've been getting in my 20s. You'll get more, more pussy, more women in your 30s and 40s. I mean, whatever you think you're getting, you think it's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if it's not good and you're only getting like a few girls a year, you'll get ten times as much when you're in your forties and thirties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gets better. I'm, I'm really, really looking forward to getting older. Being a millionaire in my late thirties, just with my, with my vacation house in Europe, just writing books and what not, getting laid, hooking up, dating many hot European girls that are like almost 20 years younger than me. It gets better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a lot of you may not realize this, but TPE does in fact stain. I'll show you a little bit of some doll maintenance 101 tips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's how my dog looks right now, and if you look on the leg over here, you'll notice a slight, let me pull it up, like right about on here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like once every week to every other week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a stand, yeaah, it's like, uh, yeaah, it's like squatting, like, uh, or perching. It's like perching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, do I get to be thinking you can eat a hot dog faster than me? Ready? Go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I woke up this morning. I didn't do anything different. I had breakfast. I didn't really talk to my housemates because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, what are you doing? You're not gonna go in. You're gonna stay on the outside. What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just sitting in the, in the, in your seat doing it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll never chase a man, but if he has a beard and tattoos, a bitch might just power walk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you missed the live show, you can still watch it. Go to Livestream.YMHStudios.com and watch the most fun that I've had in a while with Bert Kreischer and Warren Sapp. We partied, we laughed. Check it out. You had a buzzed head. Yea, but I grew some out in the back that I wasn't telling people about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They took that. They did chest hair. You know, there's arm hair. There's all different hairs from my body. That's why the color is so unique.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has a zero gravity setting. That's the one where the head and the legs kind of raise a little bit and you feel like you're floating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever you're funny, Peacock's got it exclusively. Stream tons of comedy hits from iconic sitcoms to brand new originals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bares beats The Office on Peacock. Catch all 201 episodes of The Office right now, plus stream bonus extras and exclusives. Whether you're a super fan or new to Scranton, you'll find something to love. And if you're looking for more classic hits,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can stream every episode of Parks and Rec, Two and a Half Men, plus every season of SNL. In the mood for something brand new, check out Peacock's original comedies for The Amber Ruffin Show, AP Bio, and Saved by the Bell, which is certified fresh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By Rotten Tomatoes. They have it all, man. All the sitcoms that you either love and have seen and want to just dive into again or these new originals. Don't miss all the hits plus so much more. Get started for free!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, uh, that's one of my all time favorite songs by DJ Boy Butter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know. So weird now. Yes, we have a few weeks off. We're gonna get into that. I think it might be obvious if you're watching, but we'll get into that in a moment before we get into...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of the way that I'm feeling and healing and looking. Let's do some dates. Thank you to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm on the road, uh, go to TomFiguero.com, check out my tour page. I know that, uhm, all the stuff's sold out, so you can look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you can do that. Uhm, but thank you to everybody that got tickets. I really appreciate it. We're very excited to get back out there on the road. Now, I think we should probably do the opening clip and then address everything. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, uh, if you missed it live, you can still go to the same site, livestream.ymhstudios.com. It's available for a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Bert Kreischer, myself, and Hall of Famer Warren Sapp. Uh, yes, we watched the game and we talked an incredible amount of shit. Uh, we had a lot of fun, a lot of laughs, and, uh, there's a lot of extra content that we shot in there. Some stuff that is not allowed on the interwebs. Anyway, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. It's kind of a new burden I have. UGH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Making me crazy. Uhm, anyway, let's do the opening clip and then we'll get into all the details, you know? Can't wait to tell people and show them, share with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it. I feel like it. I really got my mojo back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was super disrespectful. So disrespectful. You're talking to HR as soon as we don't record this. I'm offended. Now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to, a lot of people are probably like, uh, are you 25?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we did take a few weeks off in order to organize, like this is recorded with, there's a gap, that's why we weren't sure when things happened, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just get it out of the way. I had hair transplant procedure done. Uhm, I've never felt better. I feel like I reclaimed my spirit, my energy, my mojo, my juju, my vitality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I gotta tell you something, people are noticing my erections on the street. I went to the grocery store, you know, just pick up some stuff, and I had a bunch of people go like that, and then I was like, what? And they go, are you hard right now? And I was like, I guess so. But you're not even noticing? I'm not even noticing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for those wondering, yes, it's my own hair. Yes, I can shampoo with it. I can swim with it. You can style it. I can run my fingers through it. You could pull it. It's mine and I feel alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you too, people are like, you know, is it economical? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it expensive? Yeaah. Do you wanna tell them how much? I mean, I don't wanna make people uncomfortable. You know, it was $42,000. And, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really do. You really do. And they took hair from everywhere. They're like, people are like, but you had a buzzed head. Yeah, but I grew some out in the back that I wasn't telling people about. They took that. They did chest hair. There's pubic hair in here. There's leg hair. You know, there's arm hair. There's all different hairs from my body. That's why the color is so unique.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I feel like a million bucks and I'm getting attention from everywhere. Men and women are looking at me like, you look good, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I gotta tell you, my confidence is through the roof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My self esteem, I just, I didn't even think it was low. Now I realize it was. Cause now it's fucking sky high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a personal choice. That was a choice. Where I told them, you know, I'd like to do something a little different to introduce new Tom to the world. Because in a lot of ways, you could be like, oh, your hair, it's just, I was like, yeah, but there's a new me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most importantly, there's a story. Because one of the things that Dr. Morrison said to me was, you're gonna have to come up with your own narrative. And I really took that to heart. And I was like, who am I? And what's the story? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am in charge of my life. That is so deep. I make my decisions. I decide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I leased a helicopter. What? I'm leasing a helicopter. For what? I'm learning to fly one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It certainly would be if I wasn't so young. My hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What awful camp that you must present medical evidence that you can go to is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should get a permit, but if they don't give you one, it's still your right, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We want you to be able to watch this beyond the first hour that it's released. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hair privilege is real. It is real. Because I am walking around with a swagger that I can't even describe to you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, everyone here has been pointing it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine, can you imagine interrupting someone that's speaking to like a thousand people to be like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I gotta, just real quick so that I can tolerate this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's what it's like now, apparently, when our kids go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened? He was making, there was noise? That chatter was in there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said he, one time, and said, you guys, I fucking melted down. Jesus Christ. Who are they?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're in the break room and one of them was like, can I uh, ask you real quick? And you're like, what's up man? Uhm, notice that uh, you just said man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feels like real gender label, like, the fuck are you talking about? You work here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, true. If like, they worked here, they would be like, quick point, personal privilege, what's up? Don't make me watch this guy eat shit while I'm eating lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You include everybody that wants to be at your thing. That's what you include. Everybody's welcome to come here who wants to be here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you start complaining about the way we're doing things then you don't belong here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm taking my time, it's a reintroduction, I'm just taking my time with it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I was just gonna be like, I was just gonna show up to places and be like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, I just buzzed it and now I grew it out. But I felt like it was important to tell people that it's from a transplant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fun, fun vibes. I dig this. This is Scotland though, that's a Scottish accent, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, too well. Too well. That's right, too well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what you should do. You ever see a security guy just doing his job, kind of minding his own business, be like, what's up? How do you get a job here? What are you guys doing in here? I want to film on your property. Parody. It's all a joke. I'm not serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeah, well, let's switch vibes, something I think that might turn you on a little bit. Sure, sure. Cause I know your eyes are wandering. Not anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, they, they sit on his eyes awkwardly. Why is that? Well, I don't, cause of his nose? I don't know. Is he too fat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad you asked, uhm, you accepted a few weeks ago, you accepted the offer to go on a date with the king. You were very excited, I caught you masturbating after the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, I saw you were in the car and you had your little pocket rocket and you were like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I didn't say anything, I just turned around and walked back in. You just, oh wow, gosh. And I walked back out and you were like, oh sorry, I spilled a gallon of water in the seat. And I was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying, what if you're like, you know what? I'm just going to stay in Ohio for a little while. I'm like, oh, okay. And I'm like, you mean you come home Sunday and you're like, next Sunday? I'm like, you're going to stay there a week? You're like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only good things happen in the cabin of an 18 wheeler. That's what I've heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, seems pretty cool. Uhm, do you guys remember, if you're hardcore jeans, you wear them super high and tight, you remember that for a long time, when Christina switched numbers, she would get random voicemails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These messages were coming non-stop. Awesome thing is of course with so many listeners, we had some of you reach out and you were like, this lady is an animal. Because you were translating that she was, they were like, she's using really colorful language for what is clearly an older lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was one time, I don't know if this is on here, where she left English and Farsi together. And she was like that fucking motherfucker. And then she'd go right into Farsi and go like woah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I remember, I think it was the same voicemail where this guy who was translating all of them was like, you know, she said the equivalent in, in Farsi of like those little fuckers and like, fuck them. He's like, no, he's like, you do not hear like an older lady talk like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really regular, really fun. Over the course of I feel like three to six months, like that was kind of the window.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't want to put her out, but you know, someone's still looking for Salome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause they were like, yeah, you can get like a nurse. It was a nursing job, right? This one pays pretty well. It's down in Long Beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Brian Day's with the Salome song. It's amazing. You know what I realized too, because he's pointing out what we were talking about, which like, we texted earlier and now you're calling the wrong number and you're like, how the fuck does somebody do that? And then I realized that is what old people do. Like, because you know what they don't do? Save numbers. Like, I've sat next to my dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He pulls out his phone and he'll have my phone number typed into the phone and then you look through his list and it's all digits, no names saved, you know what I mean? And I'm like, you not saved the numbers? And he's like, what's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can just create contact and he's like, uh, no, I just, I know your number. I'm like, okay. So I think it makes sense. You know, like it's, it's basically that he's texting and then when she calls, she's just doing it from memory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I've seen a lot of older people with just the numbers, not saving it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I guarantee it, yea. He might have a few saved, but I bet you most of it. Picks it up and is, you know, one, three, one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Well that is, that is like indicative of the time though, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know like, some childhood numbers that are still in my head. Yeah, me too. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a number one time, if I can give it out, it's so old. I mean it was a phone number, no? It's probably someone else's number now. Oh yeaah. Yeaah. It's a pretty good number sequence though. At least the prefix. Fuck it, go for it anyway. I'll tell you the prefix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I call, I got a number from somebody one time, and it was, his number was like, you know, it starts like 828 or something, and then the last four, he was like 0001, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by ExpressVPN.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My privacy. And I also love feeling like I have an in to spy stuff. Things that the general public does not have access to. And that's what ExpressVPN feels like. ExpressVPN lets you change your location online so you can control where you want sites to think you're located. Thanks Jason Bourne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Open the app, select a location, tap one button to connect, and refresh the page to access thousands of new shows and videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you can start watching things that you didn't think were, well, they weren't available, right? You can watch Brooklyn Line 9 on Canadian Netflix, Rick and Morty on French Netflix, Fresh Prince, uh, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air on Australia's Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are all things you could do now, and this works with any streaming service. Hulu, BBC iPlayer, YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I saw a clip from Tom Brokaw saying it. Someone sent me a clip of Tom Brokaw, NBC's nightly news anchor for about three decades. So I was like, that's right. He's going to keep that on my phone. Yeah. Yeah. Start sending it to people. Yep. They're shaking their head in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are doing, they're asking me, oh, how do you say T-O-N? Ton. Ton. There's a ton of bricks over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] S-O-N, this is my son. I have two sons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing different going on there. It's just living life and I'm being myself and enjoying myself and there's really nothing else to say. I can't, can't add anything to that. Live Life 365.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of sad when you think about it. It's kind of sad, honestly it's kind of sad because the, it sounds like I was out there just being, uh, a savage, you know, and like having, I wasn't though. I had like huge, I didn't, I had, these are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One night, most of these are one night stands. And they're not, they're not that memorable. They're not good. You know? I'll tell you the worst sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'll tell you, uh, well I told that one on Tuber. I'll tell you this other one. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that one was my Black History Month one, cause uhm, she's black. And then, that was just the tip. That was my tip story. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funny thing was, you know what sucked is like I had it in and she was like, do you have a condom? And I was like, I'm not a fucking child, you know, and so I took it out as she complained. But anyway, so here's the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It turns out, by the way, that she was thinking smartly and I wasn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, this girl just jumped in a shower with me. Like, I was taking a shower and she was like, can I come in the shower? You know, special type of lady that does that. Now, here's the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the bad sex, are you ready? Yeaah. Okay. So, I meet this girl in college, uhm, I'm single, she's been single for a little while, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We start like hanging out, just like, we get along, like she's laughing, you know, she's cute. Uhm, then we start, you know, we kiss a few times, make out, she gets really mad one time. She comes and hangs out in my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dorm room and we had, you know, made out a little bit and then we were on my bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, God. I'm like, what? She goes, you're snoring. She thought I was just like, like holding her. I went to sleep, you know? So I was like, oh no, I'm not. And then I did it again. She was like, I'm going. And I was like, okay. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I remember that end of the school year came and she was like, I'm going to be spending time, I think in like Virginia this summer, like, you know, let's try to hang out and like exchange, you know, exchange, like let's stay in touch. I never called her completely, completely ignored because I didn't, I wasn't into her, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't really care. So I was like, and then, you know, summer's over, you're back for school. And she was like, thanks for like never staying in touch. And I was like, I don't care, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, of course not. I was like, I thought you were gonna call me. Like I just, you know, I did one of those. So, we start talking a little bit again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Like, I was like, well, I think your shoes are over there, why don't you put them on and, you know, go for a run or something. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I actually, I was kind of offended by that. Like the fact that she had to come out and say it, to me it was like, I'm not gonna do that to you. You know, I was like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was just like mess around, you know, like finger, butt, and like everything. You did not finger her asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so anyway, it doesn't really progress from there. I'm totally, I'm not interested. And, you know, it was the kind of person, like we had like some type of like, I guess, flirty rapport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't interested in her. So I graduate, you know, it's one of those things where like every once in a while you hear from somebody and now I'm in LA. She reaches out and she was like, uhm, we're gonna, I'm gonna come out to LA and we have some unfinished business to take care of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We go, you know, you do the thing like when you're young in your twenties, you show people, it's Hollywood Boulevard and all that shit. And then she was like, I think it's like the night before she leaves and she's like, don't we have something to do? And I was like, oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, alright bitch. So, stupid. She, uh, so dumb. We, we start doing it and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, like, there was just a point where she was like, like it starts, and then she was like, you know, going back and forth, and she goes, so, uh, you're gonna come? No. I was like, uhm, not yet, and it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also, she's gonna be like, what the? You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wrote down some other horror stories, but I figured, I figured we should spread them out, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With my new hair? I can't avoid my new look. What am I supposed to do? Act like I don't have hair? I have a full head of hair now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't help it if all of a sudden everyone comes calling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, real exciting, the, uh, guy put up a pretty cool video. We haven't seen him in a while, figured we'd share the details.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All day flossing. Is there any way you can summarize it in a minute? Something like that? How do I floss? I don't know what to do even when- Up and down. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I wanna ask you this. Are you gonna go crazy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's obvious. You need that. But, are you gonna go crazy and like change your face entirely? Yeah. As you get older?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it was brought to our attention recently that one of the most beautiful movie stars that we grew up with, absolutely gorgeous woman, to me more, has a completely new


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I can take you through the years, cause I gotta tell you man, it actually, I know you're like, Tom, but you just changed your look. And it's like, yeah, but it kind of bums me out when I'm not even saying cause this is a movie when just when women do this, when they go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I feel like you see this kind of dysmorphia more with women. And it's a bummer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's two others that you just, when you just said that brought, came to mind. Meg Ryan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, it doesn't even, it didn't even. Now I gotta say, this, she looks dramatically different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the squinty look is gone. She doesn't look squinty, which was kind of like the branding of her face, right? That was her whole thing. It was like she had like the little squint to her eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing about this stuff is that it's not bad, it's just, you gotta do it subtly. It's gotta be subtle. It doesn't matter if you're famous or not, you gotta go subtle with this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best work on someone's face is when you're just like, did you just get back from vacation or something? And you find out that they did like a little eye lift or something. But if you go like this and then the nose and the mouth and then implant and you're like, what the fuck did you do to yourself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's also, it's hair. Like, sure you're gonna go like, you look like God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, this will be a process. You won't even know that I did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it, I got it here. So here's where we start. This is basically when the world starts to get to know her. It's 1982. Look at that. Gorgeous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on. 30s. Gorgeous. That's like indecent proposal era. Smokin'. G.I. Jane. This one she got yoked for G.I. Jane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she was beautiful. Look at that face. I mean, bone structure, like it's just great skin. She looks great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but also, she's got, what, she's probably like 50 here or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 2016, where clearly, like, it's, you know, we've been doing stuff. Something's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I will say that at this point I would be like, oh, that's Demi- like, it doesn't jump out to me that it's Demi Moore. I only know it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's also just, you know, she's aging, it's normal. Yep. It's not that dramatic. That's last year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear to you, I'm not even trying to, I mean it seems like we're trying to shame her and I'm not. I really am not. I just feel like I wish people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially women would recognize that you don't have to do this. Like, you don't have to do this to yourself. And when you do this to yourself, everybody goes, what are you doing? It doesn't look better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were like, if you do something, like, if you're like, they're doing something to my face, I'd be like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotta talk to mom about buying stuff for the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he doesn't, he just does like the old hat removal like, well, gonna need some new doors. Ah, shit. Well, shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, check out this one, you're gonna laugh at this. Picks his butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean did he hand him a turd? Was it a turd? It looks like he's holding something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we are. Yeah. Pretty, we're pretty awesome guys. Yeah. Will you pull up the five love languages? Cause this is kind of interesting. We're talking about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically the breakdown is that all of us essentially are drawn to one of these languages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, use action phrases like, I'll help. I want to know you're with them. They're partnered with them. Do chores together and make them breakfast in bed. Go out of your way to help alleviate their daily workload.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, I realized because I was telling you that I was like, oh, but you don't like super intimate conversations. And you're like, yes, I do. And I was like, no, you don't. Because if like I stare into your eyes and tell you something super meaningful, you're like, ahhhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, I'm really upset. I'm saying if I'm telling you something sincere and meaningful, like, oh my god, I can't tell you how much, you know, you mean to me, or like, I really feel that you're like, I mean, your body, you start to go like, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not talking about other people. I'm telling you when I've done this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanted to let you know that I so appreciate what a great mother you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're just the most amazing mother and from where I sit, I gotta tell you that it's just the most beautiful thing to see somebody care for their children the way that you do. It warms my heart that you're their mother. How uncomfortable are you right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, then how can you say that you enjoy that stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, first of all, you're not supposed to shift in your seat, start looking around sweating, being like, where's this going? What are you about to say? I'm like, I'm just telling you that I appreciate what you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well I like to express love. I know this. I like to express love with gifts. Yes. Like if you know me well and I like you, I get you gifts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, if you're around me and I'm trying to express, it can be like, you know, it can be romantic love, but it can just be like friendship, appreciation, gratitude. I, I've always been a gift giver. Even like I didn't have any money, I would still get people gifts. So that's a big one for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need physical touch, and not just dick touches. I do like, I like physical touch, and uhm, I like words of affirmation too. Words of affirmation, I don't have to get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't need, I mean, you know, they're all good, but the other ones...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not a QT guy, I don't need acts of service. You know, it's obviously, you appreciate it, but I don't need it, uhm, to feel loved. I don't have to receive gifts to feel loved, but I do have to give them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, some emails that came in. There's the big titted animal challenge is out there now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says, hello, I watched a recent podcast where Christina made the outrageous statement that no normal woman could put up with Tom's behavior. Needless to say, I strongly disagree. So I thought, why don't we put it out there to the test. Why don't we put it out to the test or you know, try it out. Hashtag big titted animal challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is really important, because it has to be authentic to really be part of the challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Need to record themselves calling their significant others a big titted animal to see their reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm single, so I tried paying my friend $100 to film himself saying this to his wife as a pilot trial, but he refused and acted like a real Kurt Breicher. Anyway, food for thought, love the show, can't wait for the next special. I think, thank you very much John for the message, I think it's a great idea, but again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's gonna be, what's gonna make this awesome is that if it's authentic. No bits. Don't do the scripted one. Do the real one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're just not as good. The real, like the real, especially if you don't normally say anything like that, it's gonna be amazing. Like, hey you big titted animal, did you make dinner just to see her go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did you call me? Man, I'm real excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're gonna see the full spectrum of responses. You're gonna see laughing, giggling, what'd you say? Someone's gonna get upset for sure. Very upset. What the fuck did you call me? It's so funny, like, I forget that not everybody speaks to each other the way we speak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not usually until stuff like this. I'm like, oh yea, a lot of people aren't cool with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do. I see it all the time, but there's another lane right next to that of the guy who doesn't talk like that. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said something to her last weekend when we were filming. He was like, hey, can we, uh, see your tits for this thing? And she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and we've over time built a rapport of like, I'm gonna say reckless, crazy shit. You're going to say the same kind of thing. Like it's the language we speak. So you know what I mean? A lot of people don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, send an email of your video, uh, yourmomspodcast.gmail.com. There's no house in that email. Yourmomspodcast.gmail.com. In the subject line, please put big titted animal challenge. And please send authentic videos. You know? Please make it real. We want the real ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hats? Did I give that update? Oh, no you didn't. So let me say this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Two Bears Hats, which I've never, I love the merch game, everybody knows that, like, I've, it's, I always felt like it's, you know, kinda like joke writing, and there's a bunch of new gear in the store. If you go to store.ymhstudios.com, there's the Air Segura stuff, uh, Christina, you got some new stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry. I get carried away sometimes. I'm sorry. Forgive me. Please. Uhm, new jean stuff. All kinds of new gear. It's all in the store. The Two Bears official stuff. Uhm, but here's the point. So that hat. You know the Two Bears hat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's uh, we've never had anything quite like that, where in minutes, like everything is just gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's not in there. Well, because it sold out in a few minutes. So we were going to just let it go because I was like, you know, it's an exclusive thing and it's a whole procedure to bring in new era and they, you know, it's a partnership with minor league baseball. You got to get re-approved. So while it was still up,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The numbers were outrageous of people being like, let me, I mean, really crazy. I was like, I cannot believe it's like this for this hat. So, they told me, I was like, I'll place this order, but I cannot wait nine months for it. They said we would have it in April. Wow. So, that's eight weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and we ordered way more to try to like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But store.ymaestudios.com is where all the merch is, all the new stuff, and the hats will be there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But free stuff that will ignite your Valentine's Day is even better. Check this out. When you go to adamandeve.com and select almost any one item, you'll get it at 50% off. That's amazing by itself, but here's where they load on the free stuff. When you enter the exclusive code here at checkout, YMH, not only do you get 50% off one item,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll also get 10 tantalizing free items. First,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For your viewing pleasure, six free movies. Next, a free mystery pack that includes an item for him, a special toy for her, and something we know you'll both enjoy. Plus, free shipping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that's a lot of free Valentine's stuff, so head on over to adamandeve.com and be sure to use the offer code YMH. Again, that's Y-M-H. YMH because without it, there will be no free Valentine's stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's YMH at AdamandEve.com. Okay, uhm, I know that you want to get into it, so... Good pee? You have a good pee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Extremely large, clear see through jar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, a jug, but that's gotta be like three gallons or something. That's not a normal size jug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As it's parked, he's like, what? And he's got his own, you know, funnel system. Very interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I appreciate it. I love these talks that catch me off guard. I don't know where you're going. You know? What's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're never like, they're so dry. What are you looking at me like that for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, it's gonna, it's really bothering me, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is like, you don't have the clear stuff? No. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about that, that gel, you know, like you squeeze it in the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he loves probably when guys are like, God, you're hot. He's like, that's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love, I love that. I really prefer the direct, I'm not fucking around flight attendant to the, here's a bunch of jokes. I hate the jokey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who used to do the real joke rant? Southwestern. It was all jokes, right? And you're like, okay. But this guy's like, I don't give a fuck who you are. Listen to the rules. I like that. Because there's always some dipshit on a flight who can't fucking follow rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's, you know, it's just, it's like any business that you have, uh, your kind of flagship, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Safety standards. So, I mean, I'm not saying that they do. I'm saying some people might feel like that. Not me personally. I think this is all parody because everything's a joke. I love spirit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She almost browned her shorts, and she was able to just say, Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. She didn't even go like, you fucking cunt, to her friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do like to mix it up. I'm looking forward to the next one, which probably won't be wholesome. Are we gonna see someone dismembered? Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well first, there's the visuals. You're seeing a lady in her car. She has, she's well endowed. Her has a full bosom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it looks like somebody went in there with like one of those frosting tubes that you see, you know, on like a baking show and they're like, put some more on there and they just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Push like just ready to go. His tits are just full, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unnatural lip movement. Also, she has a type. You know when people go like, do you have a type? She has a type. And this type...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, are you just getting out of prison? Like, I know you've been there, but now you're out and you might be looking for someone to wine and dine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's uh, you know, like a lot of people are like, well, what's he like? Does he have his shit together? Does he have a job? Does he, you know, she's just like, have you served significant time for a crime? Probably a violent one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, I bet you she has an incredible skill set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's smitten, by the way, with the idea of, are you getting out? Cause look at that. Look at that. She's got a glow to her. I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know if they can wine and dine her, you know? They can't drink the wine. I mean you do get like 60 bucks when you leave, so. They don't get shit. Maybe there's a one off, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you put some money in my account, I'll get some shit from the commissary dog and then I'll send it to you. So it's like you paid for it, but I gave you my heart. You know what I mean? For real though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like it, but here's the thing, I like when, like if you get to that point, you gotta show why. Seems irrational that he's calling her that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I kind of thought about it, and I think that I kind of mislabeled Hitler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I was just, I was home and I was just thinking about it and I realized that I think to give him an appropriate label, I think he's a goofball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you can hear his voice trembling, like he's really emotional. He has tremble in his voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, but I just like, I like, uhm, that felt like abuse. Didn't feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know if it's my hair talking or what, but I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't want to see her just get verbally attacked like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't believe that that mile per hour is accurate at all, but that's still impressive. She's not going 17.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that's a misleading caption. I don't believe it. But I do think that girl's very impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] None of us were talking about that. But now that you mention it, let's give it another spin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Demisexual people only feel sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with the person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can be gay, straight, bisexual or pansexual, or may have any gender identity. The prefix demi means half, which can refer to being halfway between sexual and asexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that seems like, I mean, doesn't, wouldn't that definition almost comfort somebody more than it would? Like that seems like they're saying like, hey I won't be sleeping with anyone unless I'm really emotionally bonded to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, you need to talk to Pastor Richardson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when we met Blue Band here, native, uhm, we were working out of an office in the South Bay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we rented an office in a small building, you know, there was probably six offices and it was just a standard office suite, small.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was just a place to go and we can also stop having guests come over to our place. We had a small place. We just had our baby. We just had Alice. We wanted a space because we needed to make where we were recording at home his nursery. So we got this small office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three months later, we're like, we gotta get the fuck outta here. So we, we moved, now we got this office that's like 45 minutes away. So I, I called the guy that, this is my favorite, that got us the office, that ridiculous guy. He brought a briefcase with him to every meeting, and you don't really see that, and then one day he showed me it was just sunglasses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had like eight pairs of sunglasses in there, and I was like, what the fuck is this about? He's like, just depends on the type of meeting I'm going to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, he had like, and they were like designer shades. He goes, these are the, uh, don't fuck with me shades, alright? So I throw these on. You're gonna fuck with me? I don't fucking think so. This is the guy telling me in the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, I can see what I can do. And like a week goes by and he goes, you know, if there's any way you could, uh, you know, kick me a little scratch, I could probably find somebody fast. Yeah. Yeah. Which was a way to be like, just give me money to do this. So I was like, sure. I write him a check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He finds the guy, the guy rents the apartment. The way that it works is I had to still write the monthly check for the leasing, you know, leasing office and he wrote me a check every month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't really stay in contact that much and then one day the building owner hit me up and he goes, Hey man, your office stinks. I can smell it in the hallway. We got a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, gotta address that. And I go, I don't, I haven't been in that office in like a year and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, what? I go, yeah, man, we sublease it. So this is another guy. He's like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, well, we're going to be going in there tomorrow and I have to let you know that, you know, like by law because we're going to go in. I go, sure. I mean, go ahead. I'm just letting you know. I haven't been there in a long time and this is our, this is our arrangement. He's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the next day, he's like, yeah, that guy was dead in there. He's been in there for a while. I was like, oh, he's like, the smell is unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, hey, uh, he hit me up, he goes, are you gonna send like a cleaning crew down here? And I was like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit until he was like, how'd you know he died in there? I was like, what? I thought, I thought you guys told me that. And he's like, I didn't say that. I go, no, the other guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was one time, but I was like, am I being questioned for a homicide right now? This is pretty exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't. They had to remove all the carpet. They had to do a floor. And they also emptied the other offices, like people were not allowed to go to the building for a week. He's like, we're shutting this building down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember also one of, uhm, his nephew hit me up. I'm like, tell me about like what he's been doing and all this stuff. And I was, had to write back like, oh, he just rented an office from me. I don't know him or anything about him. And he was like, oh, thanks. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, decomp starts right away. I mean, in the first few minutes your body begins decomposing. Really? Yeah, sure. But I mean, you know, it doesn't get bad until a few days. When does it smell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Policy Genius. It's the shortest month of the year, meaning you've got slightly less time to check off your February to-dos. Luckily, Policy Genius can help you kill two birds with one stone, compare home and auto insurance rates, and save up to $1,055 per year by re-shopping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's money you can put towards the thing you care about, whatever that may be. Here's how it works. You head on over to policygenius.com, you answer a few quick questions about yourself and your property, and then they take over. Policygenius does the rest. They'll compare rates from over 30 top insurers from progressive to nationwide and find you the lowest quotes.


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[Assistant] And that Policy Genius team will look at ways to maximize your savings. And the best part is, they switch you over for free. You don't have to do it, leave it to them.


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[Assistant] All kinds of incredible reactions to their service. 5 star ratings across over 1600 reviews.


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[Assistant] If you're worried that March is around the corner and you've barely gotten anything done, take a deep breath. Policy Genius will help you make the most of this short month in minutes. Just reshop your home and auto insurance and you can save up to $1,055. Head to PolicyGenius.com to get started right now. Policy Genius, when it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it right.


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[Assistant] It's a slur. A slur? It's a little aggressive. No, I'm just kidding. But he's right. Hey bud, hey, fuck you! Don't call me that. Alright.


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[Assistant] Did not do that at all. I was on heavy drugs.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I was, when they, when they got me out of the bed, I started to sweat, poor sweat, and they were like, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, I feel alright. I did not feel okay.


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[Assistant] It hit me how fucked up I was when I got out of bed. I was like, ugh, I don't know if they're gonna let me get out of here now. Oh, that first dilaudid does fuck hard.


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[Assistant] Yeah, warm, warm rush into your chest. And then you go.


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[Assistant] You gotta try it. You gotta try it. I gotta get some. I gotta get some. Parody. All jokes.


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[Assistant] We're gonna be back with a YMH live next. I haven't announced the date yet.


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[Assistant] That's pretty funny. That's pretty good. And the lady getting really upset.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. I see it. That bothers you a lot.


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[Assistant] People think that I have this swag just because I know how to say one correctly and not, you know, one. But there's a lot of people out there on my team.


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[Assistant] Cool, sounds like you guys have a lot of fun together and you're cooking and it seems really great.


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[Assistant] That was kind of fun. Uhm, see I like, see this is better conflict because you know the origin of the conflict.


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[Assistant] I think that I always, uh, adhere to the instructions of which way the arrows point in an aisle. I don't. But she's really into it, you know? Like the arrows are point- the lady who's losing her shit is walking in the correct direction. But you know, it's a grocery aisle. It's not like a parking lot.


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[Assistant] Like what are you, what's going on in your life? You know what people are doing incorrectly? Something of substance to say.


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[Assistant] Are you stupid? I like that a lot. I like that one too. That was really cool, actually. Yeaah. Yeaah, because, you know, yeaah, I was on the old lady's team, right? And then I switched, I was like, she's being irrational.


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[Assistant] I feel like the girl filming, who you can tell is much younger, could just let it go. She was like, I wanna go this way. And then the old lady was like, I got something for you. And coughed at her.


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[Assistant] That was terrible. His whole thing was like, it was done really quick and he's like, see? You can do this too. What the fuck are you talking about man?


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[Assistant] The worst is when you're done doing that and you open a drawer and there's like four toothpastes full in there and you're like...


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[Assistant] I mean, he's so creative, like, he's got the opening clip, which was two very attractive women that appeared to be making love to each other, kissing, um, which was, it's a real attention grabber.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we think he did. He did. Yeah. It's good. It is good to have a front and back end kind of bumpers.


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[Assistant] Very hot video. Very hot. It was almost like a hot news story.


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[Assistant] It was like, it started hot, then I got all my fill of news, and then it ended hot.


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[Assistant] And that's kind of, I feel like CNN, Fox News, MSNBC should maybe take a little hint from somebody who's ahead of the game. Oh, most definitely. Most definitely. You know, imagine if you see like a bukkake shot and then you're like earlier today in Moscow and then, you know, just like right into the news.


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[Assistant] We can really try the experiment and send a cut to CNN and Fox and MSNBC. And then we'll be like, hey, this works.


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[Assistant] That sounded pretty cool. To watch him masturbate and then deliver the news.


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[Assistant] That's a good move. That's a good move for your, for your career.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I feel like you should ask me about that first.


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[Assistant] I feel like you should be like, I'm gonna do my hour, and then I'm gonna flick my bean up here on stage.


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[Assistant] And then, she had just gotten a Cadillac, I think I can say that now, it's been a long time. She told me about that, talked about cars. Yeaah, she was really sweet. Sweetest girl. We've always said that, that uhm, everybody we've met in that business, very nice.


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[Assistant] Chrissy Mac did the, uh, the one with me for the, the New Year's.


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[Assistant] Great, Shaucine, you know, professional, you know what I mean? Yeaah. Uhm, yeaah, Owen Gray called in for that one before, so nice. Yeaah. Everybody's been really nice.


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[Assistant] One in her badge, one in her butt, you know, one in her, and then like two in the badge, one in the butt, you know, they're moving around.


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[Assistant] Right, and then sometimes it was one in the mouth, one in the vag, one in the butt, like, you know, rotating.


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[Assistant] She was like, you have two in you. And he was like, wow. She was like, I'm proud of myself that I could do that. And because you brought that up and it is such an iconic moment, we can bring out an old classic jam that holy shit, this song will be seven years old.


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[Assistant] It feels like yesterday. Ghost Crew made this for us. It's, uh, The Jewels is the name of the song.


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[Assistant] Thank you guys for watching and listening. A quick reminder that you can still go to livestream.ymhstudios.com if you want to watch the Super Show and if you, that's the special Two Bears One Sap live event. Bunch of new stuff in the store, store.ymhstudios.com. The hat is reordered coming back in April.


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[Assistant] And we're on the road. So, ChristinaPOnline.com, TomSegura.com. You want to see us on the road?


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[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. I really appreciate it. If you want to see more, you can click on any of these videos in this general area. And also, if you haven't subscribed, please do. It helps feed our cats. If you don't have any cats.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you, I, I'm going to Addison. Those are already sold out. Thank you so much for everybody who bought tickets. Uh, click down, go down to my tour dates. I'm gonna be getting to Nashville. Go down mommy, down, down.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so get your tickets now. You know, these clubs are only going in half capacity, so there's very few tickets. So if you want to go, I advise you buy tickets.


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[Assistant] Oh, also I added a show in Addison Thursday night. So we just added that show. There you go. So you can buy that now.


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[Assistant] Have you stood longer than a few minutes at this point?


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[Assistant] You know what I like about you right now though, is that your cool brace walk, you walk with a swag.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. You got kind of a stanky dick walk now.


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[Assistant] And when you played the intro today, you were gloveless and that made the intro sound different this time too.


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[Assistant] The thought of wearing panties for three days and sweating in them is revolting.


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[Assistant] Wait, Ann, how nasty is this bitch that she had dookie dookie spots too?


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[Assistant] What? Wait, what would be a bummer? This seems all positive energy.


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[Assistant] Well, hey man, I'm a little bummed and it's $30 with shipping. As we all know, shipping costs are pretty expensive.


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[Assistant] However, cause he specifies U.S. dollar, so maybe he went overseas to procure these panties? Is this like a Philippines tie? Oh boy.


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[Assistant] Oh, how exciting. He found his podcast name.


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[Assistant] What a cool guy. Where's the cool guy club ref? Is he the president and founder or CEO?


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[Assistant] But imagine, so he's gotta keep these panties. Isn't the girlfriend gonna find them?


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[Assistant] Now, would this be a deal breaker for you, Tom, if you found out that I secretly


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[Assistant] Was into stinky male panties.


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[Assistant] And I ordered them on the internet and I paid 30 whole dollars.


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[Assistant] So maybe in the, in the world of fetishes, this is one of the most, the easier ones to accommodate.


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[Assistant] I know. I feel dumber the older I get. I thought I knew stuff and then I'm like, I've been saying this shit wrong, I've been doing this wrong. Forever.


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[Assistant] I won. And also because of this- Nobody fucking- Nobody. Nobody tells you.


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[Assistant] Well I agree, Tom, I'm a little upset that I was saying ambidextrous. I mean, you corrected me. You corrected me on that, thankfully. But that's a whole lifetime sounding like an idiot, retard. And no one tells me. And then chewing gum, I was saying that for, you know, for- And sun visor. And sun visor.


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[Assistant] That was crazy. And that was 43 years of my life?


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[Assistant] Before I went to the Aeropuerto, I had some lovely Brussels sprouts and a piece of fish, and it was greasy. So I was a little concerned. And as I was going through Securita,


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[Assistant] I started to feel a little nauseous and sick. And that's how I know I got a brown. So I go to my friend, I go, listen, I, I got a shit. This is a level 10 emergency. It felt like, like, you know, when you can tell it's just going to be water, like just brown water.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I sat down in the airport and it was one of those machine gun, like where it's like pop pop pop.


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[Assistant] And I had to let it rip and it was cathartic when you shit that brown water out, like just water.


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[Assistant] But here's what I learned. So I traveled with my doctor friend, Dr. Jessica. Shout out. She listens to the show. She's a mommy. And I said to her, I'm gonna shit. And she goes, I'm really nervous because there's no washlet.


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[Assistant] And there's nothing grosser than a runny dump and then you keep mushing it and mushing it. And now she's a medical doctor. She says, why don't you spread your cheeks open and then sit down on the bowl?


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[Assistant] And that's another Pajitski effect where I thought my whole life, I'm an idiot, 44 years of my life, I never thought spread your cheeks and then shit. And I have to say cleanup was 50% better because I took her advice. So thank you Dr. Jessica for that. About spreading, you've never tried the technique.


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[Assistant] But me, I'm such a dummy. For the last 44 years, I've been just shitting on my cheeks and then going, uh, clean up's hard. Well, yeaah.


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[Assistant] And thankfully I had a spare pair of undies. And who knows, I should have sold the dirty pair to that guy.


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[Assistant] Chips in a bowl? Is it cats eating kibble? Is it explosions?


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[Assistant] I went there to prepare for...


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[Assistant] We're going to fight the election. No, um, I, we, I, we purchased a home in Austin Tejas and I went there to start preparing us for our move to Texas. Moving to Texas. This is it you guys.


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[Assistant] So excited, and you know me, I'm a diehard Angelino, but our city has gone through so much hell this year. It's really been horrendous, and it gives me great sadness to leave my city of origin, but I'm really excited for Austin, and the people are lovely, it's just been heaven to go and visit.


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[Assistant] It is. But yea, I'm very excited. I, I, I just think it's a beautiful place and I think we're gonna be really happy.


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[Assistant] Breaking into a car. You live there now right? How's it going?


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[Assistant] What? Just like to check you out. Like what's up homie?


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[Assistant] Well in the 90's crack was really popular and I had a fake ID at 15 so I could get into the clubs down in Hollywood and Highland like in the shit and we would walk past people smoking crack rocks and then you pay like a homeless guy to watch your car so that it didn't get broken into and then you would go to the night club and that was when I was 15.


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[Assistant] I mean, what a fucking nightmare. It's not good. It's not good. It's getting, it's getting whitewashed.


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[Assistant] Damn, I remember when we lived in the Rampart too, and those gunshots, you're right, there's that fun game around 4th of July and New Year's Eve. Are those gunshots or fireworks? Or both?


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[Assistant] Just random gifts, candles, things I don't even use. I've got a granted thing if you want to get, uh, these unused items out. Mercari. Mercari, the marketplace app that makes it easy to give my unused items a new life when I get rid of them. It's a simple way to say goodbye by selling your stuff to someone who actually wants it.


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[Assistant] Start buying and selling when you download today from the app stores or at Merkari.com. That's M-E-R-C-A-R-I. Merkari, your marketplace.


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[Assistant] And it is, it is horrible now. It's a homeless encampment in Echo Park. They regentrified that whole beautiful park with the waterfall. And it's, it's a homeless encampment. It's covered in graffiti. The city is like, the city is destroyed. I mean, the city is terrible.


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[Assistant] That was great. Bruce, I never heard Bruce Kirschner. Oh my god. Bruce Kreischer. Bruce? That's a new one.


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[Assistant] Well, and what makes me so crazy is that like half our country is, I mean, there's so many Latin people here. How do you not know that's a Latin? I mean, you have to be in such a crack. Yours is super intimidating.


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[Assistant] Do you think there's a hole cut in the tiger? I dunno. And he puts his penis inside of it?


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[Assistant] He's like, I got so much shit in my butt. He's like, uh, I got shit in my butt, bro. And I got a dildo coming. I'm gonna put that dildo. So is the debate, I'm just trying to wrap my head around this. The debate is I've got more stuff in my butt than you.


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[Assistant] No, I mean, did you notice his new swag? He's got like his big dick energy haircut. He's got his MacGyver jacket on. It's like- BDE, man. Yeaah. He's- Chris is- What happened, Chris? You got some swag going.


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[Assistant] Cause I, I just, I'm so impressed with your whole new vibe, your whole new energy. Are you chatting with ladies on the internet?


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[Assistant] That's so, so you're on the Instagram? Yeah. What's your handle?


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[Assistant] I don't know, in case anybody watching is interested in Chris Larson, you can find him at, what is it? C-R-I-S underscore hashtag hashtag. What is it? Yea, what is it?


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[Assistant] Well I think Chris Larsen is such a great guy, and I just want to see him find a nice girl. Maybe a few not so nice girls in the beginning.


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[Assistant] What is this, like a decoy elevator? Like a facade?


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[Assistant] Yeaah, he's a very, uhm, charismatic, enigmatic, inspiring guy.


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[Assistant] And his enunciation, he got the mouth movements just down perfectly. That was a great impression.


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[Assistant] Well they're like, she has a really high opinion of herself to call herself a queen.


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[Assistant] He's everywhere. But hold on. I mean, how does he pick these battles? What could have possibly prompted?


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[Assistant] How scared would you be if that guy came into your office and said that crazy shit to you?


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[Assistant] Do you remember when we had his first enemy, like his sworn enemy on? And I remember early on the guy was like, yeah, he's such a fucking asshole. Like he was just.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the asian lady, remember when he was inter- Oh, twang? Twang. Yeah, like- What the fuck is that? God, leave us alone. White cherry, it's every-


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[Assistant] Yeah! Come on, I gotta go piss real quick. Okay.


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[Assistant] Jean, using the internet without ExpressVPN is like going to the bathroom and not closing the door. Who does that? I'll tell you something, I use ExpressVPN. That's right, me, mom, figured it out.


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[Assistant] And now I watch British television programs on my iPhone. I love ExpressVPN. Internet service providers like Comcast and Verizon know every single website you visit. ISPs can sell this information to ad companies.


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[Assistant] A secure encrypted tunnel between your device and the internet so your online activity cannot be seen.


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[Assistant] Bye, anyone. It works on phones, laptops, even routers, so everyone who shares your wifi can be protected. I love this service. I highly recommend you use it. Why should they see what you're doing?


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[Assistant] It's just ridiculous. Plus you can watch foreign programs. So secure your online activity by visiting expressvpn.com slash your mom today. That's e-x-p-r-e-s-s vpn.com slash your mom. And you can get an extra three months free expressvpn.com slash your mom.


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[Assistant] You know what I liked is that in the video when you got injured, you go, call 911. And then, call my wife.


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[Assistant] I'd rather, well I don't know about that. That's a good question. So would you rather lick the boots or smell the three day fart and vagina?


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[Assistant] But that's, like I said, it's nice that he has a little snack for his ride. It is nice. And it's easy to come by, it's free.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I don't see the look of ecstasy, I see more satisfaction of like, mmm that tastes, mmm that's so good.


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[Assistant] Hold on, the other guy with the panty snips was in ecstasy. Yea that was a bit. He was performing. He was performing? This is real.


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[Assistant] This to me seems like he's hungry and he really is being satiated by the dirt.


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[Assistant] Well, let's have, I'm sure there are psychologists who watch this show, sex therapists. Tell us what it is. If you're a professional, assess this. Can't believe you don't think this guy's dick is hard. Let me know. It's not a dick thing. It's not a dick thing.


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[Assistant] He seems so young to be this kink. It's usually older perverts that are kink bent and like into fulfilling. He's not old, he's young.


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[Assistant] I just don't see young guys doing this kinky stuff.


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[Assistant] This is your bootlicking. Yeah. You're eating your dirt right now.


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[Assistant] You did a black guy voice, but that guy was Russian.


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[Assistant] You know what's so funny about this whole thing is that I was on the airplane coming home, and I rarely look at your stories.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I just, I just not, I don't really look at people's stuff too much. I looked at your stories and I didn't have the audio on and I just saw the expression on your face and it was like, like you were lit up.


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[Assistant] And I'm like, he's never this happy. I mean, not even when we took our four year old son to Disneyland for the first time. He was that happy.


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[Assistant] Because truthfully, cause I, like I grew up in an apartment complex where people yelled at each other every now and then like that, and it's terrifying.


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[Assistant] Are you, are you ever afraid that it might get turned on you? Cause sometimes when those nutbags are yelling at each other and they see that you're watching, they will be like, fuck are you looking at? And then you're like, uh oh.


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[Assistant] Cause I, you learn that lesson early when you're watching people fight, like especially on the subway or whatever, like you don't, you don't look directly.


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[Assistant] The best one I ever heard was a couple houses back and it was our neighbors. Remember the two ladies?


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[Assistant] Let me tell you something right now!


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[Assistant] When I was in the airport yesterday, there was a girl, you know those girls that people, I do believe it's an affect, where they talk with their bottom lip down and she was like,


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[Assistant] I mean, whatever, like, he's not there spiritually, or, and I'm not gonna wait for him, because I'm worth it, and I'm too good for, like, you can just hear her spiraling, and you're like, you're just such a horrible person, you're gonna die alone, cause she was so shitty, she's like, ugh, I mean, uh, uh.


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[Assistant] Well I can't find the right person just because my standards are too high.


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[Assistant] Never. Yeaah, he's intimidated by me. And you know what?


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[Assistant] I love your dad so much. Just like your dad's dick. Yeah, so, so Dr. Jessica, Dr. Jessica and I were listening to this woman and I wanted to see her so we traded places so that I could sit and be-


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[Assistant] I'm gonna date a demigorgon whose pronoun is Zimzay.


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[Assistant] That's the girl. That's the girl at the airport yesterday.


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[Assistant] I know. He's gotta be in perfect shape and have a six pack.


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[Assistant] Girls with abs. Abs usually roll together.


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[Assistant] I have to modify this theory. Right.


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[Assistant] And then I'll get you out of the water. And I remember so what happened was to get her out of the water. They had to do a one, two, three, and they had to go on the momentum of the wave and the timing.


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[Assistant] And the best part too I remember is like, I think they, they would do hair braiding and foot massages on the beach. Remember that? Yes.


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[Assistant] Right, I agree. I mean, I've been on this COVID diet, uh, since December 20th when I started, I lost my sense of smell and taste. And I'm gonna keep fucking doing it.


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[Assistant] Because the self-flagellation is what keeps it going. You don't wanna look fat. You don't wanna be fat anymore. Don't eat. Just stop eating.


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[Assistant] You get to love yourself no matter who you are, what you look like. No, that's not true. You should want to look better and be better.


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[Assistant] You know, that's a correct assumption, Tom. Historically, they've been either drug addicts, they've done crystal meth in the past, or are drug dealers. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, generally doctors, lawyers, accountants don't get face tattoos.


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[Assistant] Tell your doctor that plan. See if they like that.


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[Assistant] And, uh, it's so easy to order, and the meals are delicious. If you visit Freshly.com, you choose from over 30 deli- delicious, satisfying, butter-free meals like steak peppercorn, sausage-baked penne, or their chicken pesto bowl, which I fed you the other night.


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[Assistant] We got freshly, it comes to your door, you put it in the oven and boom, you feed your family. It's so much easier and it starts at just


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[Assistant] Six dollars and sixteen cents per meal? Stop searching the internet for healthy food near me every night and just start living life with freshly. Your meals are always delivered fresh, never frozen, and are ready to heat and enjoy in just three minutes, with new meals added each week.


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[Assistant] Freshly brings the convenience of chef-made nutritionist design classics right to your kitchen. Right now, Freshly is offering our listeners $40 off your first two orders when you go to


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[Assistant] Freshly.com slash mom, make eating better your New Year's resolution and get a special limited time offer. Go to Freshly.com slash mom for $40 off your first two orders. Try Freshly now for a limited time. To get $40 off your first two orders, go to Freshly.com slash mom to learn more.


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[Assistant] Here I go! I'm so sad she's off the talk, the bitch here I go.


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[Assistant] I agree. That's why I liked it. It was simple. It was straightforward. I liked his angling. I liked his message. It was sincere. I wanna date you.


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[Assistant] Yeah, again, it's a small faux pas. You should wear your mask, not when you're making TikToks alone in your house, maybe.


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[Assistant] But hey, he is an anomaly on TikTok, the man who wants to get married. So ladies, you heard it here.


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[Assistant] I mean, are you even a dad if you don't try to touch the bread when it's too hot? Are you even a dad?


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[Assistant] Uh-uh. Look what she's wearing. Oh, I see it.


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[Assistant] Right, so this woman, I forget her name, she's in her 70s and she's got a smokin' hot bod. And she loves to show it off. And she and her husband like to make provocative talks. He films them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, the husband I think gets off on her showing off her body on TikTok. And this one duets a lot of the popular people on the talk.


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[Assistant] Yes, he's exclusive, but not so exclusive because he's taking male and female applicants.


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[Assistant] I think it's an interesting use of TikTok. I haven't seen this before where someone just opens up an invitation for a fight. I wonder if he had any takers.


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[Assistant] You coulda used that in the hospital, why didn't you ask for a rockstar piss jug?


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[Assistant] You know, I would go and just play Tetris on my phone for a half an hour, taking a shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so this is just like the horny guy plea, and I wonder if it works. I don't know. Someone's gotta like it.


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[Assistant] Would you rather hear me out? You need to have a weekly standing dinner.


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[Assistant] With either this chick, and it's every week you gotta listen to this horse shit, or the guy who shows up in his muddy boots and then he licks and eats his muddy boots in front of you. And he talks to you about his muddy boots and how it makes him cum so hard. Muddy boots.


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[Assistant] Okay, that was too easy. What about this lady and the demigorgon? Non-binary guy. And he talks to you about his pronouns.


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[Assistant] So the Venmo is on his TikTok profile, but you have to e-gmail him first the information.


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[Assistant] And then go back to his TikTok profile. It makes, it's just horrible business sense.


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[Assistant] Those of you, someone out there needs to hear this, you know those aren't gonna be good or funny. Yeah. Cause they're following the format. It's gotta be raw like that. Like just a lunatic. I like it. Thanks. Well I'm glad you appreciate my talks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best part. So for those of you just listening, it's a black dude and he's in like a graduation in the sun. And he's bald. And his head is super shiny and he looks hot as fuck. And then his girlfriend is rubbing his bald head but really aggressively giving it a rub down.


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[Assistant] It's just meant for the bedroom, the way that she's doing it. And the caption is, this is stressing me out. Which is so accurate, like watching that, it made me stressed out too.


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[Assistant] So that was a little 8th grade girl hanging from a bar and then a grown man punching her.


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[Assistant] 8th grade volleyball athlete, it says. Could be.


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[Assistant] Well, the point is, it's a grown older guy punching a young girl in the stomach and she's like, harder, harder. So, it's just gross. It's kinda weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is male foot fetish videos. I stumbled upon these this week. This is a man in the bathtub and he's rubbing his feet with the bubbles in the bubble bath seductively for the other people who love foot fetish. And he's showing you the undersides of his man feet.


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[Assistant] And he's breathing heavily too, which is so menacing. And his tub looks like it's from the 70s, because it's that old gross green color. It is disgusting. Men's feet are just so gross and revolting.


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[Assistant] Especially when I see people in flip flops on airplanes. Like, what are you doing? Don't bring your nasty foot on a plane.


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[Assistant] Well, cause they're always ashy on the bottom, or different colored on the bottom. Y'all don't manicure, pedicure your shit, nothing, it's all white and crusty. So nasty.


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[Assistant] That puts you back on TikToks. That cop is losing it right there.


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[Assistant] Wow, really, than that? Okay, hold on.


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[Assistant] Well, I'm not sure what the correlation is between Whole Foods and Jeff Bezos freezing animals, the environment they roam in.


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[Assistant] Okay, so, okay, would you rather marry ice bucket girl here sitting in the ice protesting or 90 day fiancee, the Russian poodle girl who's out in the outskirts of Washington?


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[Assistant] And, well hold on, don't forget when she's at dinner with him and he's enjoying his steak, she's doing the whole...


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[Assistant] Anti-corporate clothing. Are you, are you voting the right way? Are you driving environmentally conscious car? This is in San Francisco too, by the way. I can tell by the buildings in the background. Yeah. Yeah.


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[Assistant] And usually these girls have stinky boxes.


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[Assistant] Yeah. So this guy just enjoys latex.


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[Assistant] He just enjoys the feeling of latex. And this is the stuff he posts. It's just him in a different suit.


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[Assistant] Those vegan girls, I remember knowing so many of them in college because I went to school in SF. So fucking annoying dude. Like you can't just hang out with those people.


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[Assistant] Ugh, it's unbearable. Or just like the political people, like I remember I tried to hang out with those kids sophomore year.


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[Assistant] Like I go to their dorm room and there are these two guys that were like the political guys that would get laid that way.


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[Assistant] And they're like you should come over and hang out. And I remember they converted their dorm room.


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[Assistant] They had like painted it red, and they had a poster of what's his name, Che Guevara.


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[Assistant] Are we gonna fuck or what? Are you two nerds gonna double team me? Or what?


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[Assistant] They were no fun. And they ended up dating girls that were no fun.


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[Assistant] Oh god. That's the smelly pussy shoe too.


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[Assistant] Cause the bottom of the bird gets black from all the funk on there.


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[Assistant] When I see somebody, when I see a man in particular, wearing string bracelets, I go, I don't even wanna, don't even talk to me. We are never gonna be cool. I'm never gonna get you.


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[Assistant] That's all I wanna know. You can't just be a regular. No, no, no, no. You can't be an accounting guy or management guy doing that stuff. Can I tell you how else I know? Give me those shades. Give me your, your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, not these designs, it's the, uhm, it's those extreme ones, you know what they're called? Oh, like the wraparounds? Yeah. Yeah. And then the guy who does this with them, though, it's either this,


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[Assistant] Like I probably, I'm not gonna, we're not gonna be friends. No.


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[Assistant] He loved it. He loved inappropriate. And I'll tell you what was great about Jeff Scott is that he loved comedians. Yea. I mean...


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[Assistant] He loved us. He admired comedians for what we did.


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[Assistant] He treasured everybody that came through there, and he was the historian. He knew everything. Of the comedy star. I mean, he one time came up to me and he goes, Christina, here's a pizza box that, you know, Sam Kinnison signed, and everyone signed, and would you sign it? And I was like, oh my gosh, and uhm,


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[Assistant] He's such a sweet man. He was a sweet, sweet guy. And even you hear him play the piano when, you know, the room before the room filled in, Jeff Scott opens the room, he plays the keyboard.


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[Assistant] And you knew that that was the beginning of the night. As the audience filled in, you would hear his music just fill up the comedy store. And uhm, I can't even imagine, I don't even know who's gonna take his place. I don't even think it's possible.


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[Assistant] He would always, you know, there's a part behind the comedy store. He was so into knowing, I mean he knew everything.


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[Assistant] And also like preserving the integrity like, this is sacred ground back there's an area behind the comedy store called sacred ground where you're only the past paid regulars are allowed to be and hang out and he'd, you know, police that area and make sure that nobody got back. Oh yea.


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[Assistant] Super special and sweet. And he's gonna be so mint. So kind. Fuck man, that is devastating. And what really makes me sad to think is that


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[Assistant] He loved the comedy store so much and to think that this whole year he wasn't able to go to the place he loved and he probably was protecting himself from getting sick and I just fucking emailed with him last week like, hey I miss you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he wrote back, I miss us. And that was just a few days ago, and now he passed, and like, oh, it's just terrible.


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[Assistant] My brother and I were planning a trip to Dubai for a week in August.


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[Assistant] Uh, you'll actually be taking care of my brother's cat, George. I'll put him on the phone real quick. He's a little hard of hearing.


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[Assistant] He really loves his kitty cat. Uh, he actually only feeds her fresh fish.


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[Assistant] So since the cat's a sphinx, we use our own oils to get the dry spots on her skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we found out that actually the oils on George's face are great for the cat's skin.