[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Yeaah. He's been like kicked out of the family in a way. Jesus Christ. I think they, didn't they strip him of title? I'm not sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I like though? You know what I like? So Prince, the showed King Charles, now King Charles, signing the documents to become King.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should watch it just because they laid down like all these ink pens for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he gets so frustrated because literally every time he goes to like sign a document to give him a brand new glass thing with like five, he's like, like he totally is like, get that shit away from me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He's just like, get this away from me. It was really sweet. I think he would have liked it. He was kind of an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's an asshole. He sucks. He's just a poor character. Not gonna be a good king.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, no, so how did you know it was alive? And I know that's a thing, right, with sentience, and I studied philosophy, as everybody knows I'm annoying about this, but I remember that being one of the big questions was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you can't replicate, like Lambda can't replicate an also historical background, like you are human made up of all these in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Intangible weird things, you know, like the thing you saw when you were five that traumatized you and now you've got this weird wiring, you know, like we're all made up of these emotional things and traumas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So it can, it can synthesize all of our human-ness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, will the robots put us into pods and drain our power sources?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will they take us over? Did Lambda tell you of a plot to take us over?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Siri, find me this, and then she doesn't find it and then I cuss her out. See?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so the point of this AI would be to create sentience but sentience without a sense of agency.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want them to rebel. You don't want them to be like, no bitch, look it up yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is interesting though, because what is, like, thinking, you know? Sorry to get back into it. I think it's fucking fascinating, cause like, we also have things like remorse. Could Lambda have remorse?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what was the best thing to eat there? Cause I heard the cafeteria was pretty rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, except of AI, they don't want to identify them as people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how many dudes shave the top of their pubes? Some. Some?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is, this is urgent. Like this is the last ditch ever before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pronouns and like, perfect behavior, like behavior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when will I have a robot butler? Is that gonna happen soon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, do the dishes, cook clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that part where uhm, they're at his house, Zuckerberg's house, and then they're dialed into the matrix, like you see those two guys coding, and he's like, don't talk to them. They're, they're whatever, they're dialed in right now. Is that how it is? And is there an underlying competitiveness to how long you can just sit there and like, bada bada bada bada. I imagine there's some swag to that, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they tell you to stop coding. They're like, all right, go home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in Google's case, I mean, there's only so many smart dudes that can do what he does. They're not as replaceable. Show business, you're just a piece of shit. Like there's a million PAs. Not so much comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, what can they really do with our information? Let's talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sell it to Russia, check. No, like, okay, let's be like, I'm just whatever average doofus. Uh, do you want to put your credit card into whatever Google? But yeah, sure. Uh, do you want, I don't care. I'm not going to save search. I don't believe that you guys stop watching me. So why would I click that stupid little toggle anyways? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're going through my emails, they're looking at my shopping habits, and then they're just going to mirror back to me what I already like, right? So, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I could see my data, that's so dumb. It's like my searches were like Brussels Graffon, hot dog eating championship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. So I like to curate the outliers of TikTok. You're familiar with the mainstream TikTok of little girls dancing and stuff. This is what I like to go for. Here we go. The darker stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prison hookup ratings. Ah man. Fucking amazing. That should be a TV show. They want to resuscitate the Bravo channel and any of these channels. Put this chick on, just talking about her love experiences in prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so involuntarily, that's tough. Okay, that's why he couldn't just let go. Jeez. He was safely lowered to the work surface and not seriously injured. I mean, that's, he just broke his wrist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because before you taught us how to properly do it, now why in the back of the day did they put it pages out? That doesn't, that seems counterproductive to me. Why not have the title, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so hard and you know you're gonna be duct taped one day and you're gonna remember it and you're like, how does she do it again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I promise, the people whose ears snap take really bad care of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you never really know because people change their minds all the time, but I do feel as though my point of regret is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, something in my head is, I don't know what it is. Yea, what is it? I can't even articulate, like one thing for sure, I definitely need to get back into therapy. Cause this is, it's complicated emotions that I'm feeling, and I don't even know how to articulate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was talking to my girl, I was talking to my mom, like, over the week, and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you're like not listening. Like, you're not listening to questions. I'm like, disassociated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I'd say that's probably a big slice of it. Yeaah. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. It's just gonna be a complete lifestyle change until, until the marathon. And, I mean, also you guys said you're gonna have all these acidic Jews waiting for me at the finish line. That's kind of upsetting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I was looking at like some of the stuff too, like, I mean, I feel like I do my best Googling, not on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm 34, let's round me up to 35 at a beginner rate. Just under 5 hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is right under, I mean, and Burt came in right at average where he should've.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, yeaah, still kinda close. At five hours and twenty minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then like, I also like, read the rest of that paragraph, like of how long it took him to run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instead of feeling a runner's high, Kreischer felt the pain of long distance run for months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been hurt a lot, Tom. And, uh, I know what it feels like. I think that's what it is. Like if you've never broken bones, torn ACLs, thrown out your back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just have like a childlike wonder about you going around like the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, ever since I tore my ACL, I don't run and I don't jump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, no, no, no, and I, and like, I can't tell you how gracious I am that, you know, both of you guys are offering, like, like, the amount of help that you guys are offering to get me there is fucking insane. Like, it's fu- it's absolutely insane that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, and this was all kind of stuff that I've already kind of wanted, like get my blood work done, figuring out where I'm lacking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in all these things and like getting back at it, cause yeaah, I'm like the unhealthiest that I've been in a long time. Part of it, you know, having to do going to gambling rehab, that was a pretty low part for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and like I'm okay with it, but it's almost like the, it's the way, it's the 4am wakeups, it's the two a days, it's the, you know, it's, it's like, it's not just the food that's gonna be different. So I think I could, I could get myself to like the food that's coming, it's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's everything is gonna, is gonna change. Yeah, and I'm a creature of comfort. Yeah, I'm a creature of comfort. So it's like, I think that's probably like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Full chest piece, like, it'd be a pretty big punishment to like, not be buried next to my grandparents, yea. Get a tattoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No yea, I definitely have some sort of lock-in, and look, I've gone through fits where I've like, I've like, trying to get healthier, and like, it was the best time for me, like stress-wise, sleep-wise, like, everything improves when you're healthier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm the least healthiest right now, so it's just, I'm at the bottom of the hill. Diabetes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lifestyle. Right, right, right, yeah. It's the, you know, it's the, uh, uh, drinking whenever I want, which I'm not even a big drinker, but it's just like, oh, no drinks until November. Well, that's a little intense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just a complete 180, which is I think probably the biggest block that I have to go through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I try and avoid the carbs whenever I can, you know, but it's just like, I just eat so, like, I don't eat for the first half of the day and then I make up for it in the second half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not a morning person, like I know, like I'll drink coffee until lunch, and even lunch is kinda hard for me to eat, but then I just start doing-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, if you've ever driven around Austin, I mean someone, maybe this is just folklore, but if you see purple fence posts, it means we're gonna shoot first and call the cops after that. Nice. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who guy? Oh my fucking god. What the fuck were you guys just doing? With your pants down? Were you guys engaged in a sexual act?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing. You are an overly sensitive...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just always bet on, you know, on you. And then you win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny cause like I know you guys were on your way out and all of a sudden I just hear a huge fart and then I look over my shoulder and then we make eye contact and you wink at me. So it's like, it's literally just for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you're laughing and smiling. I don't like, I think that's what hurts me the most is that the thought of me being handicapped makes you laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your name? My name is Demarco Fleming. Are you gay? I'm bisexual. Are you top or bottom? I'm a top, dom top, aggressive top. Can you describe what dom top means? Dom top means which means I grab you by your back, your neck, put your face down, ass up and fuck the shit out of you and have you walk crazy for days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my goodness. Daddy Demarco. He's been fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, an elder gay. I can't picture him with a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If your husband cheats on you, bring the woman that he cheated on you with and make him marry her. And that's how you deal with infidelity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, how y'all doin' baby girl? You got that apple? Ay-ya-ya! Yeaah, I'm feelin' it. Lookie here!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Y'all miss that ball? Huh? Well guess what? I'm coming at your fat ass!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't matter if you got a big booty or a flat booty. I'm coming to get that booty!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are these hoes dancing in like little sluts on these websites? More important than actually telling the truth about our government and our country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These sites block us for speaking the truth about trash, but yet they show all the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go back into mommy's basements where you belong, you little pussies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were like, Nadav, come take these sock string and throw it away for me. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, she just flipped over the, uh, the beginning of it this way. Tripped up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I will say that when I'm leaning in on a craps table I always move the wallet to the front pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, first squirt, right there at the beach. Hahaha, she's fuckin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, how often am I doing this? You have to do everyday until you can control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? Yes. Okay. It's called orgasm without euthanasia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck am I? Disgusting. And it's like they make you walk around with big turkey legs and stuff. The turkey leg is so dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have the bowl at the fuckin' saddle ranch. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if some guy gave you a full nunchuck demo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but hold on. What if he's the man of your dreams? Is this a deal breaker? Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The man of your dreams. Man of my dreams. How often is he doing this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's get the dot, the side dot. Yea, you have a good nose for it. Yea, I could, right? Give it a little tiny one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's pretty dope. From sitting? That's fucking crazy. Yea dog. They still have that jack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the, from what I understand that, it's that the code is consistently being changed. Right. Yeah, it's crypto. By its users.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you always gotta at least be like, oh, it's coming, man. Like, just some to string them along.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies and gentlemen, this episode is brought to you by Satva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit. Go there and get $200 off any mattress of your choice. I'm a huge fan. I've slept on all of them. You gotta try one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oldie but goodie. Yep. That's a classic. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you go, what's that? Oh, did I say something? It's horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, feel sick. Yes, I want you to feel that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all you do. I think you're projecting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sound effect machine of burping and fa- it's all you do. I actually hold them in sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just air leaving my mouth. I didn't burp. I swear to god I didn't burp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Starbucks always has really interesting employees. We've met a few. Uhm, so this is at a Starbucks where the lady is very upset. She's being asked to leave, but she was mad that the employee was knocking on the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he's getting off of work too, and it's like he's doing this as he leaves, you know? Because how else could he enforce, I'm not letting you do this. I think he works there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was always ruining somebody's day. Uhm, but I mean, I get it. She's, she's trying to change her, I mean, the guy was like, you're in there a long time. That's kind of weird to begin with. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is true because- I've been in- look, I have been at Starbucks as a- obviously as a customer, where you wait a long time because someone's really pushing out a crazy dump in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just have to, and of course, I've, you know, jiggled the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. But she could be giving off weirdo vibes. She's kind of a weirdo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I don't know, it still sounds to me like I'm still on her side right now. I'm still on her side. And of what I know, it seems like the employee was, uh, overstepping in my opinion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your argumentative like tantrum right now is disrupting the little bit of peace that I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the guy that threw the lady out of the bathroom came over and consoled her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, if you're gonna cry like that, and you look like that, could you do it somewhere else? Like that was horrible to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The move for her right now is to drop her pants, take her tampon, throw it on the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, you poor women, you're bleeding out of your pussy holes every month and like people not being compassionate about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd go to the. Renaissance. Yea, I'd go to the Reina Sofia, I'd go to the Louvre. The Louvre? Yea. The Louvre.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, you tell yourself, uh, like, good acting job, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I missed that totally. You were like, I saw that, but I sold that so well. Nobody knows. Yeah. And you're like, I'm pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you another one I do. I uh, sometimes I'll compliment a woman, but only if she's notably unattractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] January means dealing with customer emails, returns, gift card purchases, and the inevitable increase in postage costs. Stamps.com teamed up with the post office to get you huge mailing and shipping discounts up to 86% off


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a new year no-brainer for your small business print, your own postage right from your home or office within minutes of signing up and never stress about finding the fastest and cheapest shipping solutions


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com does it for you automatically. We've been using Stamps.com for more than a decade and we are huge, huge fans of the time saving and the money saving they provide. For more than 20 years, Stamps.com has been indispensable for over 1 million businesses. Get access.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Free postage and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I can tell that, like, she's not getting it, you know? So, uh, I'll do that, and then I'll be like, that was really nice of you, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to talk to them, but I know that they're not getting talked to a lot, you know? And then I'll leave and I'll be like, I made that person think that I just randomly started a conversation. I was trying to give them a little dose of humanity, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'll be proud of myself. Like the rest of the day, I'll be like, you deserve a treat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're not a piece of shit for having that good feeling, but you know, I mean basking in it a little bit. I do, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. I go, oh, that's a lovely sweater. And she's like, thank you. And I'm like, yeah, I just made your day. And then she's like, where are you flying to? And you're like, oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, your parole officer lied to you about that. I don't even see him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the shit. It's so good. Uhm, don't pull this up yet. I'll read this first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is just a cool story. Uhm, police say 26 year old Katie Quackenbush shot a homeless man, Gerald Melton, 54, after he complained about loud music and exhaust fumes from her Porsche while he was trying to sleep on a sidewalk at 3am. First of all, good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quackenbush claims Melton threatened her life. I believe it. And she was defending herself. Melton suffered critical injuries but survived. She will not serve jail time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After having initially been charged with attempted murder, and we have the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish they had more details on what model and, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, the nerve, the balls of this man to be like, your exhaust fumes are bothering me while I sleep. Fucking move. Let's see. Keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's her there? Oh. Apologized to the victim during her sentencing, but also played the victim, Shang. She's been mocked online. Yeaah, I feel bad for you. Keep going down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There she is. She's pretty. She's very pretty. Uh, and a mom of four? Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there it is. Scroll down. It was an SUV. Oh, so she had like a Macan or a Cayenne. I thought we were talking 9-11. Fuck her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And her father, who was an attorney, previously claimed them unthreatened to kill his daughter if she did not lower the vehicle volume. My daughter told him I have a gun, get the fuck away from me. She pulled off one round as a means of warning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not intending to kill or hit him, she thought she pointed the gun far away enough from him just to scare him at the sentencing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scroll back to the top by the way. How did she get out of this? There's something else I wanted to say here, and that is that the other headlines are, go back, are awesome. Illinois high school students attacked this boy with Down syndrome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that one? There's a lot of fun going on in the New York Post.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dies during sexual misconduct probe. Oh, oh, oh. So he killed himself during the probe. I thought it was during a sexual encounter and I was like, pull it up. Uhm, alright, very interesting. Kent Sturman, 50th, was found dead in a truck. He had been reported missing by his wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sirin was under-investigated for alleged sexual misconduct at the time of his death. Alright, so he was just ashamed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. Also part of it is that you're an attractive woman and there's a crazy homeless guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, I was so scared. And then there's an eyewitness going, she said, I'm not scared of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just shot a guy. She's poured water. She's threatened to hit a baby with a brick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You will get this update once a week for the remainder of this podcast's existence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he posts this versions of this video nonstop everywhere. And it's always the same thing. Can I talk to you for a second? Beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, we're going to have hardcore passionate sex. And it's always when you ride in my Mercedes and he just does it over and over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got the very exciting news that our buddy was on IVAR in Hollywood, ran a red light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I guess he ran a red light, he has a suspended license, can't be driving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I guess he did. I mean, it's gotta be someone who recognizes him, obviously, at the recording.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine the thing about him is if you made the, just a moment of weakness where you say yes to a, you know, a drink with this guy. Oh my god. You know what I mean? He's gonna stalk you forever. You just happen to have that one moment where he's like, you wanna have lunch? And you're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go and you're like, well that was nice. And then he's like, I'll be there tonight too. And you're like, no, I'm good. And then he's just like, starts rocking back and forth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turn all that to you and you're like, uhm. Cause he's definitely suffering from something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Depending on the cop too, they could really, I mean, suspended license they can do. I don't even know if they're taking him in. Sounds like they were just sighting him and towing his car. They can take you in. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can just go, you can get pulled in anytime. Especially California, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's not a lot of reading in his life, but there is, there's plenty of booze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smokes, drinks, takes things, pills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was funny. You know what's uhm, what's cool also, that I thought about, was uhm, do you remember this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty awesome. Um, yeah, there's one. Let me find this other one I got for you. Well, there's that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's another one from that era of a big fat drunk Irish guy, remember him? He's the one who's like, mmmm. They did the vocal fry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I don't know the exact amount, but it's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, something's going on. You're drinking too much. You don't think he's drinking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know. You don't- why do you think that guy's drunk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Anyway, yea, alcohol will do it too. You've been drinking a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, alright, legs here. I'm not gonna bend down, wash behind my knees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only do leg or foot washing if there is something specific, like, like I said, you step on tar at the beach, you know, I gotta, but like on a regular day, I'm not like, I gotta scrub my calves and my feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, the, the num, like the bear, let's get down to like the


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[Assistant] The amount that this is about, like what's the, I'm not articulating it well. Right, like the bottom line. What's the bottom line? The number, okay.


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[Assistant] Real mind-opener. Brass tacks is like yardage. It's not money.


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[Assistant] They would say load them up. How much? The whole nine yards. So the whole nine yards was fill it up all the way. With ammo. With ammo.


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[Assistant] And the dog's tits, of course, is a British expression from World War II as well, from Winston Churchill.


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[Assistant] No, it was about the fact that the, like, farms and everything was being bombed so you couldn't get milk from traditional sources. So the dog's tits was meant to mean


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next best source of getting the thing you need.


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[Assistant] Well, it's a day where you can, you're supposed to like sit in bed, cause his day was like, bed.


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[Assistant] Uh, he would have a cigar, a whiskey, uh, eggs, toast, sausage, then get out of bed, then smoke again. Love it. Then have, so, he does it once, or does it once a year, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone like that and you're like, I guess you can really push it. Yeah. 90!


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[Assistant] Ninety years old and a guy that just ate sausage and smoked and drank every day?


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[Assistant] I knew somebody that had an aneurysm and died at 21.


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[Assistant] And this was many years ago this happened to this kid, but so young.


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[Assistant] Nausea and vomiting, stiff neck, blurred or double vision, sensitivity to light, seizure, a drooping eyelid, loss of consciousness, confusion.


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[Assistant] In addition to severe headache those are some signs and symptoms of a ruptured aneurysm.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if you missed the live, we got into the fact that, uh, everyone's good buddy.


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[Assistant] Was this dipshit named Simon Cowell? Yeah. He used to look like a guy. And then he started having...


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[Assistant] Fucking shit done to his face. It's just the craziest place to do it. You know? When you change your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially, by the way, if you have, uhm, like not a bad start to begin with. I know. It's one thing, like, I remember this fucking donkey face girl in, uh,


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[Assistant] She had plastic surgery at a very young age. She needed it, okay? She looked like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This broad did it and everybody was like, thank you. You don't have to look at this thing anymore. And, you know, but this guy, he just looked like a normal guy, right? Like Simon Cowell, if you didn't, if he wasn't famous, so he was like, describe this man. You'd be like, I don't know, a regular guy, full head of hair.


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[Assistant] I don't know, it's all weird. He just got weird on everybody, you know? People get weird.


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[Assistant] That's a crazy one. Mickey Rourke. So he was like a Hollywood, uh, like a sex symbol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A hottie. Just banging whatever he wanted.


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[Assistant] He also decided to become a boxer. So he got into, like really got into, like taking fights. Real fights.


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[Assistant] Basically left acting doesn't even slightly resemble.


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[Assistant] But he also has something where he may have done some things for his own cosmetic purposes, but then also some of this might be facial reconstruction from getting his face rearranged.


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[Assistant] I mean, even the way his mouth is shaped now, it doesn't, it's so crazy.


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[Assistant] And what she did, I think this is just more really resisting aging. Like, she probably was aging just fine, but it's like, this is Courtney Cox, if you're listening that we're looking at. And it just seems like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just stands out as not natural. That's the thing. Cause you want your facelifts and, and your cosmetic stuff to look somewhat natural and this just doesn't look like it at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the right there? I mean, it looks like the same guy, just had like a little touch. Yeah, that's full body dysmorphia, complete, you know, complete psychological nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you don't want to even resemble in the least bit who you were before. No.


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[Assistant] I know somebody who's had a number of surgeries who will look you in the eye and say the same thing and you're like, okay.


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[Assistant] Here's how he fucking sits you down and is like, I love it. Like keeps telling you and you're like, you know, your nose is gonna, he's like, nah, that's what I want. And it's, it's the guy telling you, this is my dream. Cause the problem of being as famous as he is.


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[Assistant] Is that there's always gonna be someone to go, sure, I'll do it.


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[Assistant] He was considered sexy, but he still wasn't like traditional.


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[Assistant] Handsome, you know? He was like rugged, like he looked like he'd been to jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like a bad boy look. But then he got fucking cosmetic surgery and you're like, oh boy.


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[Assistant] With fat. If you wanna look not as wrinkled, you gotta have a little bit of fat on you.


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[Assistant] If you want your body to stay rockin', but you are just like, I'll be wrinkled, then you lose the fat, right?


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[Assistant] You really gotta make the choice like in your sixties, like that's when it's, I mean, some people obviously make the choice well before, but if you have the, you know, you can start going like, I'm just going to let these wrinkles settle in. I'm wrinkled, I'm old. Take care of my body.


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[Assistant] Somebody said that they have, uh, sent me a version of Tatted Up Charo in here. Oh yea, that's fine. I haven't seen this. Have you seen this? Yes. It's pretty great. It's pretty great?


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[Assistant] That was right before she took $10,000 from me.


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[Assistant] And she's like, can you believe I got this for $65? Cut, color, and I'm like, yeah, I do believe it.


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[Assistant] Well, maybe you shouldn't be with your haircuts.


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[Assistant] I'll try, I'll be a part of the team that tries to change her for some reason. Like, you know, get her dressed for the funeral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we'll have trouble taking, and then she was like, and then you can tell your fans. And they were all like, ahahaha. Her tits are in her stomach. This is her stuff. And I was like, yes, good stuff, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually know what I did. I go, uh, I was talking about my dad and I go, you know, my mom died. And the audience was like, I go, she died earlier today. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, no, she called me and then I told the story of how she called me and said, I bet you can't wait till I die so you can talk about it on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if your tits droop, you're like, well, give me a little lift.


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[Assistant] You know, I'll say this, she doesn't look bad for 67 years old. No, not at all. Really. I mean, she really doesn't.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I don't know if it has anything to do with the triangle of beauty, but you know.


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[Assistant] I think she could probably stop getting her haircut where my mom does, but I think that other than that, you know, her and Adav are going to have a happy life together. I think that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how she's gonna talk. This is just, Prichard Nadav's dick is that thing, and she's gonna do that to her.


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[Assistant] You just farted too? Nah, I'm trying to.


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[Assistant] Nadav, did you see that there was a Virginia Tech sports show that they used your laugh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they used your laugh in their video.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I can't do math in J time but awhile. Yea. Yea, he's our J. Yea.


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[Assistant] It's cool. These are guys that are completely blacked out. Like white guys that are painted black. With tattoos and they're talking about how it's painful. Moving on.


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[Assistant] Crazy, I've seen it, I've seen it at the gate, I've seen it on planes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the nastiest, that's guaranteed diarrhea. Like, out of the, you take a bite of that and your insides just pour out of you. Ugh, in a vending machine?


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[Assistant] I think it's a lot, like for instance, there's STIs that a woman can have that it's harder for her to transmit them to a male.


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[Assistant] And also, it feels like she's just working out her own shit on TikTok, right? Like this was all just all her inner dialogue that she thinks really needs to go to the masses. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a bright light on him too, he lit himself up well. He's a handsome dude. I feel like, I feel like, I'd be like, oh yea, you're safe to come in, and then I'd hear him talking like, oh shit, we got a wild one.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, you probably felt kind of horny when you saw this.


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[Assistant] He's got that cool accent too, where it's like, he barely read, but he-


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[Assistant] Yeaah. It's cause you're such a pig, you don't realize that you do it all the time.


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[Assistant] Love you too, thanks for watching, thanks for listening, we'll see you next time, right here, on Your Mom's House. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched a full episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got you, they gotta find you. You're a few hundred yards away. You can maybe hear him coming. I mean, I think I said I'd be afraid of getting- You'd hear me coming. Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I did last night? I watched cartoons with my children on our Solaire mattress from Saatva, and you know what they love? The vibrations. They asked me, mommy, make the bed vibrate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's so fun and it lights up and we have the best time on the side of the bed. I cherish it so much. I've also bought the lumen leaf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Purchasing it is easy, uhm, and they give it to you at a reasonable price because they're, they don't have the overhead of like stores and salespeople, blah, blah. It really is the best. And right now, you can go to slotfoot.com slash this shit for $200 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, your next purchase of anything Saatva related. Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit for $200 off your next Saatva.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I want to eat and drink everything I want to every day too.


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[Assistant] It is amazing how much facial hair and hair changes your appearance. It's just striking when he used to have the big Jufro and he looks so different.


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[Assistant] Look at him there, the young Gary, yeah. Geez, Louise. And I remember that headshot a million years ago.


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[Assistant] You know, that is, that's actually quite true. Yeah. Yeah. I never go Ari Shafir, good human. Good person. No. Trustworthy. Oof. Ay yi yi. Jesus.


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[Assistant] There you go, Ari. Well good, I'm proud of you guys. It's a good thing. I too am still on my fitness kick.


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[Assistant] And it's doing, it's really, it's really helped my mood. Can I tell you that now that I walk 10,000 steps a day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really, uhm, didn't realize what like frantic lady energy I have.


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[Assistant] You know when you're like, I'm fucking crazy manic bro, I'm- I'm stoked to be walking this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I don't get as keyed up at night. I remember by the end of the day, I was usually like, I gotta drink something, you know?


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[Assistant] It's, uh, the energy, you need to expend your energy like a dog.


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[Assistant] Creeps up high and you need to ejaculate and then hunger.


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[Assistant] This morning after I bathed in my own urine for medicinal purposes, I took a neighborhood walk, you know?


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[Assistant] And now our neighbor, uhm, call me Christine.


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[Assistant] You Chetty cunt. I think you're right. Wow. And I don't think autism makes you fucking public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It would be neat to fuck on a bus though.


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[Assistant] Yeah, maybe in a nice gas station I could pop in and get a Snickers and then fuck in the bus. Oh my.


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[Assistant] I could, that's not a biggie. I don't feel like it's a big deal.


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[Assistant] I don't, I don't, in my mind, that doesn't feel like a big deal.


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[Assistant] I'm saying, in my mind, I'm thinking in relation to other public scenarios. For instance, the Mile High Club, I don't like the thought of fucking in that tiny bathroom where everyone's pissed all over the place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got you, they gotta find you. You're a few hundred yards away. You can maybe hear him coming. I mean, I think I said I'd be afraid of getting- You'd hear me coming. Oh my God.


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[Assistant] Therapists can help you become a better problem solver, making it easier to accomplish your goals no matter how big or small. I really have to credit my therapist for helping me succeed in my career and in my life. I can't stress the importance of therapy enough and the value. It's the one thing I've invested in that's changed my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not, dude? You're in this brain and this planet for hopefully a long time. There's no reason to suffer. Get help. If you're thinking of giving therapy a try, BetterHelp is a great option. It's convenient, accessible, affordable, and entirely online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get matched with a therapist after filling out a brief survey and switch therapists anytime. When you want to be a better problem solver, therapy can get you there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Visit betterhelp.com slash mom's house today to get 10% off your first month. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash mom's house. Get into therapy now. You deserve it. You deserve it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we listen, but I'd be afraid of sand in my asshole in my crotch.


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[Assistant] Everybody you're allowed to park your car. I don't know if you can now.


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[Assistant] No, I did. I had a boyfriend one summer. We went up there and fucked around all summer. It was great. Really? Very romantic, very sweet to me.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Summer love and just like Greece. I think you told me about


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[Assistant] That's a different summer guy. There's many summers in college, Tom.


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[Assistant] But I will say you had a cool car and the cool part, like looking back in retrospect, I'm like, oh, that was so cool. Yeah. Like I got the total Sandra D.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Experience, you know, like this guy had a cool car and we'd go and make out on Topanga Canyon.


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[Assistant] It took a time, it took a time. It took a minute, you know.


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[Assistant] Beachfucks. Interesting. I would not have known that you were a beachfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to Florida. I'm being serious, I want to see where you bang chicks next time we go back to Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High last night and uhm, this cool guy picks up


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[Assistant] The young girl and he's like, where do you want to go? Do you want to go to Inspiration Point?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the 26 year old guy picks up the young, she's 15. She says that she's, um, like 19. And that's Nick DeMone. That's not him though. It's a different cool guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yea, they go, and they, he literally is like, she wanted me to go, no, and then he fucks her in like the dugout. That's it. That's it. Disco sucks. That's the view of when she's getting fucked by the guy. That's it. That's inspiration.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I feel like the bus is one of those places, like you really aren't surveilled that back, I don't know, now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when you live with your parents, you always need a place to fuck. So you'd be like- You don't have a place of your own to fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just doing like, not sex, but like drugs and-


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[Assistant] I like a subway. Subway's harder to fuck on a subway, I imagine. I dunno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm thinking of an L.A. city bus. Gross! Yea, but people don't take the bus in L.A. Those are practically unused. Get the fuck outta here! They're fuckin' packed! I mean, when I was a kid we did, but alright. Look, I can tell you're easily upset about this topic. I'm not sure why you're so upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I bet people fuck on the bus a lot. I've seen people J their D's on buses a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about a double decker bus? On the top deck, no one's there. It's not a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had to cancel the Brooklyn show, Dallas has gone, all the- all the fucking North America kind- country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the rumor is cocaine. Yeah. Heron. I think it's cocaine. Both? I mean, it used to be the Heron, but rumor has it, it's the cocaine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now it makes sense. Cause I was like, how old is this guy? And he was really jamming. The shows were just fucking outstanding. Yeah. So, yeah, real talent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good news though, last time, I'm not last time, but he's been in rehab before and then the other guys in the band have formed other bands. Yeah. Like Tones on Tail, which you like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna follow them to London, Spain, France. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Dave, uh, what's his name? What can I remember his name? Navarro. Yeah. I think they used to do a lot of H.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's one of those guys, uh, from what I've seen on television, he's really into the goth motif as well. Like you go into his house and he's like, here's my coffin shaped coffee table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks amazing. Fuck, man. Dude, you think he's had work done?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I whiten my teeth. With what? These strips I got from the dentist. So much, so easy. You're so jealous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On Saturday. Wow. How long do you leave them on for? Uh, 20 minutes. Like when it starts to burn, I take them off cause I don't want my gums to be all burned up for the next few days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's so, so easy. You just put a strip on? Yea dude, so they give it to you, the dentist with like, it's preloaded, so you just pop em in, and that's it, and that's it. Before...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you look like a fucking asshole. But before I used to have to put the jelly in the tray and then that shit leaks into your guns and burns.


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[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, I used to do it that way and it hurts like fuck. You can get kinds that are like pre done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] November 3rd, Washington, dick cum. It's a make, it's a make good date for the DC improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then November 4th and 5th, I'm in Jude or Tiddies at Caroline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] November 2nd and 3rd, Dania Beach, Florida. ChristinaPOnline.com. I'll be announcing 2023 dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean 1990, I don't know, did they know that stomach acidity could cause-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you think about it, like back in the olden times, like you just, if you had something wrong with you, like that was it. You just have the hiccups forever, like antacids, they didn't have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just like my tooth broke, right? The other day I had a root canal, like there's no root canal. They just pull the tooth out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the leg, you'd be an amputee right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not only that, like, this is when little kids are coming out, there's the principal, it's like, what's gonna happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he did. You're going to fucking throw down. I was afraid that you were going to choke this guy out in the carpool life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did. Can I tell you something I discovered in my life? What? And it took me like a million years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is going to sound stupid, just like my observation last week that fitness makes you feel better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's, here's one that's really gonna yank your dick. Are you ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not talking about responsibilities and such, like if you're a responsible human that does stuff in a timely fashion and you're not a procrastinator, I'm talking about like, hey, I have a free moment around the house, and I go, I SHOULD be doing ga ga ga da da da da.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the shoulds. You go, yeah, but I should do, I should want to do this or I should do that. And you're like, but I don't want to do that, I should do it. I don't want to fucking do any of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess who's going to hold people hostage for his birthday? Nadar. Aren't you doing this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we've done function, you've ever done like, um, we've done an event, a family event on a boat before and it's just, you're held hostage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I don't wanna do this. Remember like school dances on boats and shit too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do your thing. Do a thing. Stuff like that, girl. Stuff like that. I'll do my ads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just peed and do you ever forget when you take a bunch of vitamins and then you pee bright yellow and you're like, I'm severely dehydrated. Oh yeah. And I forget all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say you're accurate. I would say that sleep is the biggest predictive factor of the kind of day I will have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sleep and diet. If I eat like shit, forget about it. Like, it's uh, if I even, if I eat something I like that makes me feel terrible, it's just, your whole day is over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause you ruin, you blow your work. You're like, well, I'm just, I just blew this day up then. Why would I do that? Stupid dummy. Yeah. In your head. You're like, you fucking dumb shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do for that reason, yeaah, that guy. What's your favorite cheese?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have never guessed that and I've known you for a million years. I did not know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? Stop it! But that's what you love about me, is my shaky cheese, my shaky cheese status.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true, I still like shitty stuff. I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I stopped doing though too, in my, uh, older years now? Is I stopped judging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How my brain works and just like roll with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a big deal. Cause usually I'd be like, no, you shouldn't think that way. That's, that's bad or that's stupid. And now I'm like, isn't that silly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I think I fought it for so many years that, cause I thought, Oh, I'm maybe I'm crazy like my mom, or maybe I'm a, you know, fuck up. Cause this, this kind of thinking got me in trouble when I was younger or whatever, you know, and now I'm like, Oh, I'm fucking do shit. I'm going to die. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did. I did. I was walking through the neighborhood and this little dog was barking at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just telling me what was up and I go, yeah, and I barked right back at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck are you gonna do? Hey, what do you want from me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? It's like, it's 5 inches by 20, I don't fucking know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And lo and behold this fucking thing showed up so big. But I put it, I put it somewhere where it's, it, it, I think it works. Do you think it's too big?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See that's what I've decided too in our house, like there's a way you should decorate your house and the way we decorate the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, go fuck yourself, you don't like it? Go suck my tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got harsh words. I follow her on the gram and on TikTok. She's savvy. She's fucking quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at these poor cops, look at that cop so defeated behind her, just like, Jesus Christ, this mental patient.


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[Assistant] She's, I always see interviews with her where she's like, don't fuck with me. I'll fuck with you. I fucking do my pictures. I do my thing. You don't fucking know me. Like she's just really, really bright and she pops dude.


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[Assistant] That's a lot of peeps. That is amazing, huh?


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[Assistant] Cause soccer's more worldwide. Of course, but look at this following.


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[Assistant] 12.6, right, right. Shane Gillis follows him though.


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[Assistant] This guy, yeaah, he's handsome. I like him. Where's, what Latin country is he from? He's from Portugal.


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[Assistant] Men have needs. It's okay. As long as you come home to me.


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[Assistant] Like what about with uhm, Posh Spice and Beckham?


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[Assistant] I gotta say though, like, how many, he has 75 millis?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like the pressure to be with somebody that attractive.


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[Assistant] I think it would fuck me up. I don't know. You're very attractive. Don't get me wrong.


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[Assistant] I would feel like, oh my god, is every- oh god.


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[Assistant] He's still great. It's like Leonardo DiCaprio too. You know, like we discussed.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you something? Leonardo DiCaprio is an example of someone who the face is a 10, but the bod?


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[Assistant] He's a movie star. I think he's very handsome. I'm saying that the body because he.


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[Assistant] Romeo and Juliet, that movie Romeo and Juliet, I fell in love with him then and I was a teenager, so I still see him in that lens.


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[Assistant] But I'm, my point is you're right. Maybe he's on 10, maybe he's like a seven or an eight. Yeah. But listen, but the fact that is actually.


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[Assistant] That's true like that, like that guy could be my dentist.


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[Assistant] No, I love John Cusack. We saw him in person during the pandemic and he still looks great.


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[Assistant] I think John Cusack is so cute. You don't think this is adorable. Look at John Cusack.


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[Assistant] Then you know what, maybe, maybe I like normal. I like, I like a man who's attractive.


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[Assistant] I have a relationship in my mind already with him. Do you understand? I can't divorce myself from that.


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[Assistant] And I look just like these chicks, which is the best part. Just like them.


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[Assistant] You know, but by apocalypse now, he couldn't remember his lines and. Yeah, it fell apart.


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[Assistant] I know she's like a mishmash of every Instagram thing you're supposed to support. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Jesus Christ. I wonder, I mean, was the charge just like this crazy woman singing on her patio?


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[Assistant] So you just knock on the door like, Hey, you're not on fire or cutting up cats or whatever it is.


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[Assistant] I dunno. See, every now and then the Hungarians do something super cool and nice like that.


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[Assistant] Just to make life enjoyable. And then you're like, ah, you got me back in this culture. Cause they do like stuff like joy and holidays. And then, you know, then the Holocaust. It's like stuff like that.


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[Assistant] They handed over a lot of J's and gypsies.


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[Assistant] You know, it's so funny. I was just thinking about my parents the other day when my dad said the first time he visited Detroit. Remember when he came on your mom's house a long time ago and he said, I landed in Detroit and I saw big cars and I saw black men, black guy.


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[Assistant] He said, this is where I should have been all along. So my father thought Detroit in the sixties was better than Budapest.


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[Assistant] Okay. It goes on and on, by the way.


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[Assistant] I know, but it's like, but first of all, do you see many tears?


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[Assistant] Have you felt this way when you had to cancel shows? Fuck no, it's the best feeling in the world!


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[Assistant] I mean, this is a little too far for not performing for one night. Like, what is going on? Is there more?


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[Assistant] I know he doesn't want to, that's why Roger's the cruelest. But uhm, I was reading the comments on this nonsense, cause I was like, people have to see how absurd this is. Wrong. Everybody's like, Gaga, we love you. And that's what they do in person.


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[Assistant] If they're, but if they're the type of comedian that's. Right. Now there's this occasional psycho, so we've met along the way and something's off with that guy. Yeah, they usually act too. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then lo and behold, they're just really great actors. Where they are psychos.


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[Assistant] Matt Bronger said last week about Bill Burr, like you can sell out, what was it, the venue? Fenway Park. And he's still like, yeah, I did a bunch of fucking drunks. Like you're, you're never happy with yourself as a career and you're never pleased with yourself. Never pleased with the set. Sell them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very, and also as a comedian, I do think it's humbling cause you get the audience, you know, you can fail, you can still get told off and this chick just gets adoration and.


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[Assistant] And I know she's, listen, I know she's super popular and whatever, but- Good.


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[Assistant] I, it's not, the music is not for me, whatever, but yeah, this is over the top. This is like.


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[Assistant] You know, I started to watch some documentary about her and apparently she has real health issues, you know.


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[Assistant] I wasn't either, you know why? She's like an, uh, an art student turned musician and da da da. And then like you, she's sharing everything like really dramatically. And I'm like, I don't know, this is, this feels too much for me.


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[Assistant] I feel, uh, thank you for saying that, but I honestly don't enjoy...


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[Assistant] It's sold out already. Uh, we've already ordered it. It's from Itley. Christina Peay's Perfect Shade of Red. Get it on ymhtstudios.com. I made it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in Italy, it's hand, it's like everything picked out by moi cause I'm a red lipstick connoisseur.


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[Assistant] The formula is fantastic. It won't dry your lips and it lasts forever. Try it out. Get it for your lady. Try it out.


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[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips, dude. Look at that one.


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[Assistant] We're allowed to express our feelings too.


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[Assistant] You just need to just tack in your whole hairline.


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[Assistant] The computer, the computer say, Floyd say, fuck Tia, fuck Nellie, fuck 50.


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[Assistant] Just say fine. You know, it's too bad we couldn't have that much fun before I left town. You never know what you might get out of that.


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[Assistant] He's training. I mean, well, Matt did say that he had a great jump shot.


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[Assistant] This is good. I do have a question too though. So, I wasn't there for your beat down. Are there fouls? So we had a ref. Do we have the ref? Do we have the same ref? Yea, same guy.


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[Assistant] Now that there's steaks, I'm actually a little bit more hyped. I do not want to go to Vegas with him. And be his assistant? Yea. He brings me coffee when we go there. Now the other way around, I don't know about that.


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[Assistant] You don't want to kiss Jackie Cheeks? No. No.


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[Assistant] Like I saw it that way for a long time, even if there was transparency and testing and trust with everyone, it still hurt my feelings that they wanted that with somebody else.


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[Assistant] Right? I still felt threatened. I felt disgusted even. Why?


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[Assistant] For me, it came from monogamy culture of still wanting a form of exclusivity to signify I'm emotionally safe, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I'm not in the business of telling anyone how to be in the bedroom. You're grown. Choosing fluid-bonding monogamy or polyfidelity is fine. Polyfidelity? I just want to encourage self-inquiry. Figure out why we want what we want.


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[Assistant] F-A-R-T. Orange, orange, orange, orange, orange, orange, orange, orange, orange.


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[Assistant] I don't see that at all. No, I'm a dirty though. Why are you a dirty? I'm a dirty bottom.


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[Assistant] Have you been invited? I was not invited. Ever to any of his parties.


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[Assistant] Be honest. Okay, in years, no. But you have at one time.


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[Assistant] I'm just saying that you really think you're cuter than I am?


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[Assistant] I was just kidding. I was just totally kidding.


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[Assistant] So we're doing, uh, Christmas pictures with my polycule and, uh, we're doing Adam's family, so. You ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I see something like this, this is why America's Funniest Home Videos will always be the funniest show of all time. We might have talked about this because I could see a man on top of a barn on a pair of stilts and I know he's gonna be okay. I can already start laughing. On your show I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's wild. I, I, I've said that, like, a version of that, where it's just like, we can argue all day about everything, but like, everybody wants the same thing. You know what I mean? Like, you want your kid to grow up healthy and all that stuff. Everything else is kind of just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, you know how freeing it is, especially as a comedian when you reach a point where you're just like, that's not for me. That sucks.


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[Assistant] Now it's a hotel! Like the whole thing is a boutique hotel. Exactly. It's bananas and you just see Puerto Ricans squeezed between like holding on to their little piece where a guy comes by every day like, you gonna sell? Come on! You know, like you know it's, yeah, so I mean, that's like next level gentrification on a banana scale.


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[Assistant] There's a hotel there that bought the airspace around it so no one can build and block their views.


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[Assistant] And it looks like, uh, some kind of space alien warlord put a spike in the ground. It's called like the Wyeth or something. Gangster move. It's insane. It's one of those things where you have money, like you own several islands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Overvalue, that's great, and that's cool, you know, but I think just at that point though where it's just like, where's the happiness? How do you have fun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wish we had more, like, uh, uh, crazy, like, vengeance billionaires, you know, that were kind of taking out their angst in crazy ways on other billionaires, so we have, like, billionaire wars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean Kara has clients who have personal assistants and I've like, kicked it with them and stuff and I've been like, so what exactly do you cover? And these are, these are comedians, personal assistants. So like, you know our lives. We work an hour a day. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, eat ice cream. Sure. Masturbate. Yeah. You know. You got it. You know, all these big ones. You know, from mental health. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, it's not as if we are running these massive multinational companies or anthropological digs or going on. It is a nice luxury.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, like, just never waiting on hold again the rest of your life.


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[Assistant] You're gonna start pushing it. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] But it's funny, there's monetary status and there's earned status. And I feel like those guys want earned status so, so, so bad. Like, Neal Brennan had this funny bit about, uh, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leo's dick in front of him. Like, in front of Jeff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like she was on him. His girl. Yeah. Bezos' girl was on, and I mean, on a podcast with this kind of reach, I have probably a week to live. Bezos is gonna have me for the past.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, and he's doing the lean. Every guy knows the lean. Yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] And he's walking to kill someone with his hands that his henchmen are holding. They're holding this guy. And his warehouse workers are like,


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[Assistant] Not so much back to the Tom Cruise thing, but like, he doesn't, like he looks incredible, and he's definitely got someone that's like, hey stop, stop, don't lift that much, you get too veiny.


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[Assistant] Like they're those guys who are like my age and older that are like, wow, you're really ripped. And it's like, it looks, it looks terrifying. Too much. You know, like there's, he has like a thumb sized vein running down his face into his neck. You can go hardcore on anything. Too much. Yeah. I think that makes you.


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[Assistant] That would make his girl like cheat with a dude with a gut.


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[Assistant] But he still has that rich, like rich human being smooth skin. Yeah, yeah. That's the key.


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[Assistant] And she jumped from cool platform to cool platform for decades.


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[Assistant] I think fun teacher, fun uncle Jeff Bezos, the one we saw before, it's like, a couple chicks would throw him a fuck, I think. Like, he could find that one, that steady woman who's like, I like a, I like a nerd. You know what I mean? He did? He did, yeah. And then, you know. They split. They split. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, you know, yeah, I think.


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[Assistant] I don't want that kind of attention. You know what I mean? Like, Madonna wrote songs that people will always love, as crazy as she might look now. Sure. You know? You throwing borderline right now? I'm getting out of this chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when those nudes came out and she was like, so what? And everyone's like, wait, but you're supposed to fi-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, our society does not let women in the public eye, especially ones that we're seeing as super hot and super cool, as, as, we won't let them age. Yeah. It's like, you're not allowed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dork. All my life. Did you ever resent anger for that? Yeah, you'd get mad sometimes. Look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, I, okay, that's, I'm in, all of those, I'm at least in my thirties. So, you know, I, back in, like, you know, junior high school, twenties, there were times where I'm just, just like, I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know what it was? Here it is. Sixth grade, my first school dance, a girl asked a boy to, like, tell him to come over here. Tell that guy I want to dance with him. I was like, cool, I made it halfway across the floor and she saw me and she went, like, she looked past me at the dude and was like, no, no, no. Like, take him back. Huya!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just out there, and I remember that, the fact that that flew to my mind that fast, where I was, I was like a Monet. Great in the distance. Get closer, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well all those guys at Zuckerberg, Bezos, why do you think they built this empire?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No, of course not. That guy, that guy, if you're, if, if you just go, like, alright, the, the sketch artist for the police, if you went and were just like, serial killer, and you left the room, he would draw that. He would draw that face. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. She's listening to this right now, just a cigarette fall out of her mouth in the trailer she's sitting in. Except I'd like to pick her up by her neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shot it at Zanies in Nashville in October a year ago, and uhm, this, the whole thing, you know, 2020 hit us all like a brick, but I was going to tape, like, the week that all the clubs were like, fuck it!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was all set and it was just like, and then my wife had a kid and then like it, it became this time of just step back and kind of, okay,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, during an election year, uh, we're driving an electric car with California plates through the South. Yeah. It should have been a reality show. Yeah. It really should have. Uh, and I just got a ton of stuff from that. So, la la la, I do this special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's got like this big reveal at the end. It's almost like a magic trick to the point where I did it on the road for a little less than a year. And I would have people, people would like film it and then post it. And I would, I would go to the hotel the night of and the next morning and track down these videos and go and just DM and be like, can you take this down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, oh fuck, sorry. You know, and I bring a stranger on stage to help me with this reveal. It's called Doug, it's named after a terrible fucking guy I met on vacation with my wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every other Doug I've known in my life has been cool. Like really cool guys. They sell you weed at half price, they smoke with you. Yeah, Doug's are sweet. This guy sucked. And so I named a special after him and got this reveal. So when...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took it around to all the usual suspects, Amazon, Netflix. Everybody either had a full slate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. And I had some options, but then moment approached me and I was like, you know, just because of the reveal at the end and the fact that this is a piece of my life that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] None of us are going to forget that time. Yeah. You know? Uh, I'll try this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've said this to a couple friends, like, everything good in my life, I'm realizing, happened because I was like, eh, I'll fucking give it a shot, let's try. Sure. You know, happened with moving in with my now wife, marrying her, having a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, stuff you cannot take back. Sure. You know, like, there's no turning back. You're like, I'm going for it. Let's try it. Yeah. This could be a disaster. So the moment thing...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it might be a mistake, but I'm gonna try it. Yeah, I don't think it's a mistake. No, I don't either. And like, the cool thing is, it's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone has already taken the gold. Andrew Schultz has already taken the brass ring with the moment thing. It's like great. He's already been Lewis and Clark. He forged the road. He's up to like 5 million or something bananas. I love that he took it off and then put it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one's better. So as soon as like the people I'm working with were like, what Andrew Schultz did, I was like, let's do that. Let's do that thing that that guy did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, cause I've never sat down and got advice from him, but I do. He's one of those people who, you know, I'm a fan, but also like I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watch what he does. Same thing with you guys. You know what I mean? Like we're friends. And so when you guys are winning, I feel like I am. I haven't got any checks by the way. So I have a kid. Can you send me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, you know, it's like, I, uh, am loving how, how well you guys have done, but it's like, I'll just kinda go, well, I can't do what they're doing, but what's my version of that? Sure. You know? And to your point of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you, you have to, legally, you have to now, you know, my, my stuff got taken off, you know, two of them, at least some of my things. It's kind of just like, yeah, but, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and my stuff is not, a lot of my stuff isn't available right now. Yeah, it's cool. And I know, but I, I know people that work for that company and I'm still good with them, but it's like, well, it's like, it's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna shit on them because they've been awesome. I have a hundred million streams on Pandora. So like, uh, yeah, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In terms of stand-up comedy, I'm famous, uh, for, like, not my face. Like, like, I've been in stores where people are like, what do I know your voice from? And I'm like, oh dude, and then their friends are like, Wildcatten! Or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a pilot with Canane, the two of us, as fuckarounds in our thirties and it was one of the funniest things I ever shot and we were


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got another, they wanted us to do another pilot, so we did, and we cast Jodie Sweeten from, from Full House as my boss. And it was like, we used to be closed captioners to the Hearing Impaired, that was our job. And we were in Burbank, and Jodie was this woman in like a power suit who was like, I work in Hollywood, man. And I'm like, you work in Burbank. And she just was like, and she, she crushed her audition. She auditioned for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, we were like, okay, and it's down to her and this one woman who's very funny, but she was younger and the network wanted her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one exec, I found out, called two assistants into his office and was like, would you care that Jodie Sweeten was on a show from Fuller House? This was before Fuller House? Yeaah. And they were both like, not really. And he's like, no, okay, we're not putting her in. That's how he decided. That's it. Everybody was like, and of course, Fuller House comes back and just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it'd be like if, if your lawyer was like looking at, uh, stand up tapes, we do like late night sets and the lawyer would be like, oh, you can't do, you know, you go, you shut the fuck up. You don't know anything about anything. Well, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, but yea, it's like we're more and more and more free of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have this guy who has this little fight, fiefdom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, there's a comedy, there's a, the oldest comedy club in Portland, I won't say what it is, uh, but, uh, I remember when I met, when I met Bill Burr, he did like a little pilot, they were thinking about doing him, uh, doing like a Chappelle show thing, after Chappelle show blew up, they're like, oh, let's try it with Bill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, this real low budget thing, and I was in like two sketches with him. And he just comes over, he's like, so where are you from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you actually, you ruin their month. You don't even tell them. You don't even tell them. You, you, you have someone, some junior agent has to call. Has to call and be like. Some portal guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know what you're talking about too. And let me just say, you had it worse than either of us, I'm sure, being a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, of course they do. And it's like, it's being- I will say that the big thing is I wish there were less-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] white dudes who are starting to get rich over bitching about being a white dude and like, you know, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just in, in, in their own kind of self-made media like this. But there's kind of like, well, the thing is, those guys always go, we all know how it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I mean, it's, it's, it's disingenuous. It's like, yeah, it's like, did I not get a Netflix special because I'm white or because I'm not Jim Gaffigan. It's like they have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And are you, are you uniquely you? That takes you at least 10 years to, you know, find your voice as we say, but like, you know, there are people that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing I've kind of tried to push the side is like, don't just, you know, be like, I gotta kill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, no, I have to work on this stuff and I have to do stuff that's funny to me. Hope they like it. Meh. That's how you get good. Cause you'll see, you know, audiences are very intuitive and they'll watch someone and someone will destroy and they'll be like, ha, that was fun but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crushed this theater. And then, and Sarah Tiana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got the picture of the store on the way in which I love, uh, next to the guy with the AR and the flag jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every flavor. I mean, I do the store at least once a week and do


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay to good, to sometimes great. You know? Yeah. Cause I'm just like, I gotta work this shit. You know, I, and, and letting go of that, you have to destroy this holl, you know, hallowed room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I remember saying to Emily, I was, I was just like, I was like whoosh. I just had a weird one. And she's like, oh, like Chris Rock does, you know, cause Rock comes in and just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope this work, and it's kind of like, brrp, you know? And he'll get it back, of course, but it's kind of like, we have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause they want, they want that immediacy. They want the real shit. Yeah. You know? Yes. Where everybody can see when you're just trotting out something you've done a billion times and then you all of a sudden go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I like my wife. Like something comes out like that and they're like, okay, well now you're talking about something real, now we're, now we're leaning in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I watched all that shit with my wife too and one thing we'll pick is like alright was that a plot line created by a producer? Or is that real? You know what I mean? Like the real housewives and shit. I don't think any of them really know which way is up. They're kind of just like alright just tell me who I hate this week and I'll go from there.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Well, cause you can't just film people hanging out. Like- You used to. My wife likes that show 18 and Pregnant and Boring. I don't know if you guys seen that.


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[Assistant] Credits! Like, it's literally that bad. There's no, there's no anything. 16 and pregnant. I went high. 18 and pregnant would be normal. I know. See that show 32 and pregnant?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is, when I see something like this, this is why America's Funniest Home Videos will always be the funniest show of all time. The best. We might have talked about this because I could see a man on top of a barn on a pair of stilts and I know he's gonna be okay. I can already start laughing. Yeah. On your show I can't. This man might die. I don't know what's gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, for people listening, there's a guy, he's on top of a ladder, and he has a beekeeper's mask on, and there's a bag of bees. That's a thing, I guess?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but there's a bag around it already. They must have already hung the bag and then he has got some kind of hook and he's poking the bottom and he hits it from an angle that the bag flips and covers his head. Sealing his face, eyes, nose, ears and mouth in with the bees. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just was riding up on a bicycle, and he hits, he does a nendo, flies right over the handlebars, and there's a bus!


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[Assistant] No, it's a motorcycle. He flies off a motorcycle under a tire. And? And the bus backs up and they get him out and he's fine. Lesson is? Always wear a helmet. Wear a helmet, yea.


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[Assistant] Well, he, he, he exercised his, his rights to not wear a helmet. He sure did. His head blew up like a melon.


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[Assistant] Yeah, for sure. A friend of mine had one of those jeeps with no doors and the seatbelt was broken for easily, easily a year. He would pull his shoulder seatbelt and sit on it. So cops wouldn't stop him.


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[Assistant] I'm just like. What's the win there? I, I, I got one over. There's no win. It's just, it's just that thing of being lazy and not getting the thing fixed.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we didn't wear them. No, at all. My grandpa used to buy a new...


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[Assistant] Mobile velvet couch, like every other year, like a big ass El Dorado or something. I remember those back seats, it was like being on just a velvet, like, like a cocktail lounge in Vegas. The back seat was insane and me and my cousin Beth were just


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[Assistant] It's like a hole and they got to church. They're like, where's the fucking baby? And you know, my grandma's losing her mind and they drove back and found the hole and pulled her out of the snow and went back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all my uncles used to drag race with my, with my aunts like in the, in the pastor's seat as toddlers. Which seat? Where was this? No seatbelt. Where city was this? Sioux City, Iowa. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Fuck, I can't even get it out of my mind. Sister-in-law took my daughter and her son to touch a truck.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she rose was out of my eyesight on a playground once and I just lost, I lost my mind. I was so scared. Yes. Terrifying. For like half a minute. Yeah. You know, didn't get to a new destination and go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's wild. Yeah, I mean, and it's funny when I tell that story with a childless person, they're just laughing and laughing. You know, you don't know consequences, not really. Horrifying. Horrifying.


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[Assistant] I, I don't have any problem with this. I think she's rad as shit. I, I definitely have my little hang ups because, you know, anything with extremities is always, you know, your nose, your mouth, your eyes, your hands, your feet, you know, anything where it's just there's an irregularity, we, as people go, woah.


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[Assistant] I think it was Pauline Kale when Pumping Iron came out, she described him as looking like a condom stuffed with walnuts.


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[Assistant] Dana Gold had, uh, a scorpion infestation in his house.


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[Assistant] What am I doing here? No, I thought that was a puppy. There's a- okay, this man has a- I will dupe.


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[Assistant] A whole, a whole dead chicken, you know, plucked and processed, and he's lubing it. Ah, is this guy gonna fuck this chicken?


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[Assistant] My wife got, uh, induced to have Rhodes because if your baby wasn't born on the day you had to get induced. Yeah, same with us, the second one. Oh, really? Yeah. So, you know, and she had, you know, hadn't had anything to drink for nine months or whatever, you know, like a sip of wine or whatever, but no buzz. And when they gave her that first


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That first hit, you know, of probably like fentanyl or something. Uhm, the nurse is like, hey, so how are you? And she goes, I'm high.


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[Assistant] They really are great. I remember coming, I remember being at JFL one year and being, like getting on the plane with everybody and we just, we were up all night. One of those like early, early days ones and I was so hungover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I talk about that too? Cause I remember you making fun of that guy and it makes me, it still makes me laugh. Uh, and I was so hung over and someone gave me a, I never had a Valium before and I took it to the plane and it was just life changing. I was just like, I feel so much better. Awesome.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we were New Faces 07 and there was one comic who had a blazer on cover with moons and stars from England.


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[Assistant] And you were backstage with me, making fun of him during his act, and I, I don't know what I've laughed at harder in my life. I was crying, laughing.


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[Assistant] It's crushing, yeaah, all these little setbacks, they're not even, wait, cause you did five minutes, five minutes. Yeaah. Yeaah. That's the thing I hated the most about late night sets. It's like just five, it's all like that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's like what Sam Jay does every time I see her. Yeah. Just talks about her day. Yeah.


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[Assistant] One of those bits I never could make land but it's just one of the things I relate to so much is when you're like in public or you're on a bus and a guy starts talking to you and you start talking to him back and then halfway through the conversation you're like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's fine. It's like, you can drink your urine to survive. That's option Z.


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[Assistant] Don, can I talk to you a second? Does he make you uncomfortable? Cause we can get rid of him right away. Yea, we swap him out? Okay, no problem.


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[Assistant] Can we just, can we have you hold real quick? Can you not go out? And we're going, we're going, we're going.


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[Assistant] For a couple weeks. So just go to moment.co slash Matt Bronger and it'll, it's up there. And I'm the, if you watch it on the 6th on the premiere night, I'm going to be doing like a, a little VIP thing at the end. Yes. You want to tag that on? And I do, I, I do, I'd created merch that I think Doug would enjoy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very funny. I didn't say about this in the special but we all went out to like a big club and they put us on a shuttle bus. It was in Anguilla in the Caribbean and we came back to the thing and there were signs up in the hotel for like DJ Sugar is spending the night and Doug is like DJ SUGAR!


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[Assistant] Hey, we gotta see DJ Sugar! And he's punching dudes in the arm and he's like, let's go DJ Sugar! So he's that guy who full on is like wearing a young person's clothes. Sure.


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[Assistant] Man, this is a blast. I love this show and I'm glad that you guys have, have, have, you know, built it up to this. This is fantastic. Thank you, man. How far is this compound outside of Waco?


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[Assistant] Cause they, they put a bag over my head and sedated me. I have no clue where I am. Well, they're about to do it again. Oh, okay. Oh! Hey! Oh, hi Razor!


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[Assistant] Yeaah, listen, I'm just, he's gotta start gambling again.


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[Assistant] There's like some rockstar who said like, if you have $50,000 to spend on rehab, like you don't have a problem.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? It's the same thing with like, look, he's got a job, he's got a fucking car outside, he doesn't have a problem, he's fine.


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[Assistant] Yeah, listen, Ryan answered the door when I got here and he was hobbling, so it made me a little worried, but...


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[Assistant] That, but I also think, uh, I think, I think Eni has a little bit of like the Blackbird Chrysler in him where he's like, I could just do that. And it's like, nooo. You know what I mean? It's like, no, dude.


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[Assistant] And yea, you just, you know, you play for another hour and then you're like, oh, I gotta, you know, I'm gonna go, whatever. But that's why, like, now I tend to play in places that are, like, mostly legal. Sometimes I still go to those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, somebody has to vouch for you, and then you have to be like, yea, I'm good for it. But what's really great is, at the poker spots out here, they have boxes, so you have a key.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you go, when I walk into the poker spot, I have no money on me. When I leave, I have no money on me. But I have a box in there, like a safety deposit box. I go in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well there's many ways that you could do it. I don't want to talk about it, but you know, you can, you know, there's a lot of ways to pay people these days, you know. Okay, okay. But, but, yeah, I tend to be a cash guy. Look at him, look at him. God, he's so pumped. He hasn't been this happy in a while.