[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the entire company, which is why they got in so much trouble, right? But I just thought, like, it was a weird culture there. Like, people being shaggers and whatever. It was just, that was the way Sky was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think in the Scooby Doo, that's why Daphne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the kind of thing you talk about either when you, like, I think if you've been in a long-term relationship, it changes your view of talking about that kind of stuff as just being not important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you're someone, like I know people who've been single for a long time, they've had sex with people in that time, but they've never been in a relationship for longer than a few weeks, right? And it's like, I think in that case you still think about sex and the opposite sex in the same way as you did when you were 18, 19 and single, because you've never had to mature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The evidence is right there next to you, Sips. It's that fucking robot spy that you brought into your house to do the corporate man's bidding!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's always listening. It's like, this is like Demon Seed. Have you seen the movie Demon Seed? Sadly, no. Very old 70s movie. I'm sure I've talked about it before on the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is about a guy who develops a robot to run a house, right? We're not far from this, like they were, a lot of this stuff, the 70s sci-fi was quite prescient, they missed it a bit. But so the idea is this computer runs everything, so adjusts the temperature, cooks the food, orders food when you need it, everything, everything, the front door, it knows who's coming and going and everything, and it becomes obsessed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I saw it on TV when I was a kid. They had it on TV in the States. Somehow during the fucking day, and I watched it, and I remember this had a great effect on my distrust of technology, I think in some way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for anyone that hasn't seen it, it's about these, I guess they're kind of scientists and theological historians and experts and whatever, and they come together to examine this really old piece of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something, like, the details of the movie have been lost, but all these possessed people sort of besiege the, the school or the faculty that they're in. Yeah, it's like a big building. It gets, it gets, it's quite gory and it's quite grim, but it's got some very, very, very


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool sci-fi stuff in it. I don't wanna- I'm gonna put a small spoiler so I can talk about it. So spoiler alert, if you don't wanna know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably just tune out for like a minute or something. It's really, it's not a teen movie. It's not a great 87 movie. So the gist of it is that there's like an element of time travel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To this sort of broadcast that they're receiving that they can't understand it. That they're getting this warning message on their sort of radio and stuff like that and on the TV that they're kind of trying to tune into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, because there's some kind of portal, that's like a mirror, and the devil is in the mirror, or some kind of demon or something. And basically this woman accidentally goes through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they receive a broadcast, the broadcast they're receiving is from the future, warning them in the past, for fuck's sake, don't let this demon through the mirror, because it's fucking everything up. Like, you'd have to watch the movie to understand it, but it was super cool at the time, I remember thinking, holy shit!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was, I was trying to find something to watch the other day and I was looking and it was all just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just, they just decide we gotta fill the schedule, guys, so just fucking jam a shitload of wanky shows out, and we'll just pump them out and we'll just show, you could show this a thousand times. And the thing is, cause they're all so fucking uniform, you can't tell the difference between them, you end up watching the same fucking shit day in day out, you don't even know. There's only ever been one episode of Bargain Hunt ever made. It's just the same one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody knows! Nobody notices! It's the same fucking little heart-shaped box with the compass and the bedside table and a lamp that they sell at bargain hunt every single week at auction. And they bought it for £65. They sell it for £76.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then there's close calls on camera, right? Which is not- I mean, you could have seen any of this shit on YouTube. Then bargain hunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then later on in the BBC, you've got the news, then Doctors, which is terrible, Chase the Case, which is a terrible game show, Escape to the Country, Garden Rescue, Antiques Road Trip, Pointless, which is legit. I like Pointless. Pointless is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course it is. Then it's the one show, which I watched last night, and it was terrible, and then it's this garbage show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the gist of the show is they get two people on to talk about some fucking shit that they're doing. But because it's Britain, they're never really that famous. Like sometimes you'll get some really famous people on, like if there's a movie or something coming out. The other week they had the cast of Ant-Man on, so they had Paul Rudd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they had, uhm, Michael Douglas, and, uh. And these guys are on the press trail, and they'll do anything they fucking can. Right, exactly. So they'll do anything. But they were good guests, right? And they, because they're American, you know, they can talk, and they're funny, and all the rest of it. Yeah, they've probably got some interesting stories. So, last night they had, fucking hell, fuck, I can't remember her cocking name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hang on. Bugsy Malone cast. I'll find it for ya. It was... Bonnie Langford, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy who was on, I can't remember what the show is called, he's like a nerdy kinda doctor-y type guy, and he does experiments and like, what happens if all you eat for a year is bananas? You know, do you turn into a monkey? We wanna know, you know, so it was him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the two guests would just talk right over them and they would obviously try to get as much stuff in for their slot as possible. Then they'd cut to the very sad, bored looking audience. There was like a little bit of chat. They did some bit where they'd throw to some lad with a mic. It's like a super easy half hour of TV. And that's like their big prime time show. It's like seven o'clock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And tut about how much money people that are younger than them are spending on things. And say, and it's also a way of saying, these people have financial trouble, look how stupidly irresponsible they're being.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that sort of cements the idea in people's brains, I think, and pleases people that being poor is a choice that people have made by being stupid with money. Like, that's the only way you end up poor is by spending £50 a year on shampoo and, and more, more than you need to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I think a large group of people watching take extreme satisfaction from seeing that small slice of very carefully selected


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I must have said this to him about a dozen times, because every time I eat any kind of meat,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says again, you really should cut down on meat period while I'm eating meat. It's like, alright, I'm having meat now. Yeah, you did assume. And as I said to you, you continually assume it, and I still have to remind you every single time we meet, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't get confused, don't get confused, Sips. I'm saying I don't eat a lot of meat, and I'm saying that Lewis thinks I always do eat a lot of meat, and I'm saying I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never mentioned to me that I should do X. Like, you've never told me anything. Shut the fuck up is like the most you've ever said to me, I think. In terms of, like, direction. Well, I don't even think I've ever said that. I think maybe once you told me to shut up. Once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I must have been really mad. No, you never have. Like, Lewis loves to direct me because I think he still thinks I'm like some kind of unruly caveman that he's domesticated for use on this podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, it's like 600 calories max, which for, you know, grown adult is not much. So I just don't eat much on those days. Um, and we, me and Mrs. F have an extremely healthy dinner and then the other days are, uh, you know, normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing is, you get into the habit of, it's just a habit forming thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it's like, if you have a couple of days of fasting, for one thing your appetite is then lower on the following days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just get used to the idea of not eating habitually. It's just a way of breaking a habit. It would be like if you always clicked your fingers when you were talking. If you had a couple of days a week where you just didn't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eventually, that just becomes a part of your routine and then maybe you don't click your fingers. Or in my case, eat, uh, 300 weight of, uh, raw beef. Which is of course what I do. I feel like I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I think would be cool is if as the kids rank up, they get higher tier uniform. So they get to wear like a really fancy cardigan. They get epaulettes and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But those kids, man, those fucking kids at school that were the tattletales, there's a reason that the rule in prison is snitches get stitches. Because all those guys in prison had some shitty little fucker at school who told on them and it led to a life of crime. I'm sure of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you're whistleblowing some genuine criminal activity, that's fine. Sip's not doing his fucking homework, I've been in the same boat, Sip's, some fucking kid told, and you get in trouble, I'm like, what the fuck do you get out of that, you fucking nerd?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh my god. Luckily I had some friends who were sympathetic. Like we were, we were in the same group of, of slackers basically. And we'd often figure out homework and we would copy from each other and we would give each other summaries of the book. So we'd, but the worst one I had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the teacher must have said, funny how there's these big sudden swoop marks to the left and the right, like you've gone around a corner at high speed and you've just lost control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wanna know what's happening. What's happening in 3018? Put your suggestions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe that's the feature is one of your arms is robot controlled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that way it can do a menial job while you're watching TV and you don't even have to pay attention. So the robot arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do wonder, is there sex in heaven and is it nasty? I mean, what if it's just really boring heaven sex?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? I mean the angels are gonna be like disgusted at most people, you know, they're gonna be like, sex, oh god, wow, that's an earthly pleasure. Here in heaven, we play the lute and look at clouds, I'll be like, fuck, where the bitch is at? And you'll be in hell before you know it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Saint Peter, I'm a shagger. I know, I've seen your file. Saint Peter, please, I came here to shag. Where's, where's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello everybody and welcome back to the Triforce Podcast, the top, one of the top rated podcasts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did he do? Play World of Warcraft? Yea, all summer long. Disgusting. You go outside once. Gross. That's pretty much how I spend my summers. How you guys doing? What have you been doing this week? Any news? I have news. From Boring Dad Front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So is it, is, so, ooh, I mean, this could be anything, right? What goes through my head right now is like, was it bad dad reflexes? You know, did you like stop, did you accidentally let one of your children go face first into the ground? That's very close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so your mom's a better dad, she's a better dad than you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so bad. I felt so bad. I think I've said the guys round. He tried to do a croggy on a, on a bike. It's the legal maneuver. It's in the five guidelines of what you shouldn't do with your children. Obviously one is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had my foot stuck in the spokes a few times. Oh, okay. Over my life. When I was a kid, when I was, uh, I did it once when I was fucking cycling around Jersey as well. Like, you know what I mean? I just, I just, I just awkwardly put my foot somewhere and, and, and, you know, and I really hurt my, my foot, but you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prioritise things, a bit like whoever's making the most noise, right? Whoever's causing the most fuss, right? If you keep asking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that you could tell, right, because, because people who are really sick, who are in a real problem, or are those 10% of people who are just arseholes and are just demanding and noisy, which you want to get out anyway, get rid of those guys, get them sorted out, get them out of your waiting room anyway, because they're just going to upset everyone else in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm sure that this is not a good system, and I'm sure that it needs to be done better, right? But if you're stuck in that situation, how do you get through it? You know, you've got people coming in with stab wounds, with serious things, with bursting appendixes, and the people with, you know, the six year old girl who's not crying,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're in A&E, right? At the end of the day, it's a little bit like a coffee shop. You go into a coffee shop, I went into a fucking Cafe Nero yesterday, and I was like, oh, I can't fucking be arsed with this queue. You know, if you go into A&E and you're sat there for an hour, you think, oh, the thing is, your kid was well enough to be taken home by you. Do you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a psychological thing though. Imagine the nurse had come to you and said, look, we're going to make you wait three hours because this is probably not very important and nothing and it might just solve itself on its own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They know it's okay, like the numbers are okay, like the people, there's someone at the top who says, well, this is how much money we've got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Therefore we're doing this much with it, therefore, you know, this amount of people are dying, therefore that's okay. That's an acceptable amount of people dying. That's an acceptable amount of wait time. People know these statistics, they know the numbers, like, we are happy with this system as it is, bizarrely. Uhm, or maybe some people aren't happy with it. Maybe, you know, people want to shut down the NHS and like say, oh, you know, it sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a very difficult one to like, put a call on, right? And there's a whole million buttload of factors in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reason partly it's so horrible is to try and filter the fucking that shit out, right? If you make it a horrible experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna be like, oh shit, I better be more careful, I'm not gonna fucking, you know, not gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know, now your daughter's had a double lesson, right? Not only was there the physical lesson of pain. Don't trust daddy, but now, don't trust inches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think it's again like, do you think it's again like one of those same situations as PFLAX in the fucking hospital, right? And it's that, you know, the queue, they, they, they know what it's like, right? They want to keep it, excuse me, they want to keep it this exciting thing, but also


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those people who, who, maybe those people who do have older daughters who are more problems to deal with, and if they don't go to the Princess Pavilion, then it ruins their parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes people, like, just don't fucking know how annoying they are, though, and the way I like to do stuff is, uhm, kind of really passive-aggressive stuff, like, right? So, for example, every time that song starts up again, I will...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just incredibly obnoxious people. They exist all the time. And they have no clue that they're being obnoxious until someone tells them. And you can't tell them because they'll look at you like you've literally pulled them here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you guys, that was a lovely podcast, I enjoyed it. Nice, me too, that was a great one, thanks so much. See you next week!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think if it's done well, like in Witcher 3, I think it was done perfectly. Because it felt like an open world game, but there was a plot, like a definite plot to follow, that was itself a really exciting and a good story and it was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unexpected and there was crazy stuff and weird stuff and funny bits and it was like, to me, Witcher 3 was the best role playing game ever made for the PC. Like it was, it, it blew me away and I finished it a couple of months ago because I sort of started playing it, stopped, went away, came back and I, I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got back into other games and then I picked it up again and I'd forgotten how to play. So I had to start all over again from scratch. I played it all the way through and it was, it was incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's saying, you know, stupid stuff to you. It just kind of, it lacked coherence to me, and it was like, oh, there's a dragon over there. I mean, that seemed witty, like, oh shit, there's a monster over there, I'm gonna go fight it. Whereas in Skyrim, it was like, I'm just gonna mosey around, and maybe I'll find a cave and go down there and get owned by vampires or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, there's been a tweet directed to us at the Triforce Podcast from Laura, who says, I'm the girl that Lewis met at the traffic lights. I do love the Triforce Podcast as well. Holy crap! Laura! Wow, there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's got a platform under the roof, that way you, like, it's about the size of, uh, uh, a bowl, a large bowl. So imagine a large mixing bowl, that's the sort of circumference, okay? So, did you get this? I got it in a garden center.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's bilious, go out and live in the garden. Well, you know what, we as soldiers don't live in a fucking basement, mate. That's what the problem is here. You haven't got a garden or the outdoors. I have. You live underground like a mole man. It's a garden flat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm thinking, how come robins and blue tits don't have like half robin half blue tit kids? Why don't they get it on? How do they, how are they so


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But dogs all came from one species, so I guess they're just able to identify another dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you've got all these different species of bird that are the same size and roughly pretty much the same damn bird, but they're not getting it on with each other. Why not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's stopping them? Would it be possible, is my question? And if, if so, how come it doesn't happen very much? Because you'd think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're stuck, I mean look at the palaver you gotta go through as a male bird to get a, a, a female bird interested, right? You'd think at that point they wouldn't be too fussy and they'd just be like, any female bird that shows any lick of interest, I'm all over that and we're making some eggs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's not far off my morning, yeah. I wake up, if the kids are still asleep, I'll go downstairs, I've got one of those old-fashioned kettles you have to put on the hob because it makes a pleasing whistling sound and it feels a bit more dadsy, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, god no, Mrs. F makes the pancakes, I'm rubbish at it, she's really good, so. Hey kids, c'mon!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't have to do it the night before, I mean, why not do it? I mean, I did mine on the way in because I'd forgotten it and inevitably someone would say, did you do the geography homework? And I'd say, what geography homework? And they'd say, this one, you idiot. I'd quickly do it. I'd like half an hour. So it sucked. I was bad at school. I hated it. I hated the homework. I hated all of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. There's so much comfort in my, in my kid's lives compared to when I was a kid. Like when I think about my eldest daughter, she's like eight and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At that point, my, my parents had just got divorced, like, so I'd, I'd moved to the UK and I was, everything was really miserable and we didn't know what was gonna happen. And when I started secondary school, so I was like, when I was about 11 or 12 and, and everything, you know, the flat that we were living in, we didn't have central heat and we didn't have double glazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be freezing cold, like absolutely freezing cold in the house. There'd be frost on like the inside of the windows, it was that fucking cold in the house. And I'd have to get up at about 6.30 in the morning to get into school for 20 past 8, because it was similarly a very long way to school, it was like a two bus journey and all the rest of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'd go into the living room, my mom would bring me some breakfast, and all there was on television in those days was Laurel and Hardy, Harold Lloyd, or The Three Stooges on BBC Two from like 6.30 till 7. That was my TV. So I watched these ancient


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you fucking nuts homie? Are you fucking nuts? I went into school, it was dark on my way into school. I was the only person on the bus. It was depressing. It was really depressing. I was cold and hungry and fed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is all justifications for keeping people poor. You know that. These are the same arguments. They're used to it. They don't mind it that way. That's just how they live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying, I'm not saying you're saying that, but I'm saying the arguments you're making are very reminiscent of people who think poor people are just that way. That's all I'm saying. Very reminiscent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're such a lunatic. It was horrible. My childhood was very miserable. We were very poor and unhappy and it was not cool. And I do not consider it character forming at all. And I want my kids to be comfortable and not have to have a shitty life. So I just can't believe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our kids were having trouble sleeping and eventually we figured out what it was because one of them said to us, they came upstairs, I was away, and sometimes when I'm away they both sleep upstairs with Mrs. F because they, you know, they know they can get away with it when I'm not there. And so they're all sleeping in Mrs. F's bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, in our bed, I should say, and, and they said, wow, your bed's so comfortable, not like ours at all. And my wife goes, what do you mean? Your beds are fine. And she goes downstairs and lies on the mattress. And it's like a really awful, it's because we, they've had them for a few years and they've just worn them down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We- Mrs. F was working from home and she said, God, there's such a bad smell down here. You've got to do something about it. It must be the freezer. Pulled the freezer out and I was like, there's nothing back here. And the freezer was a little whiffy, like, you know, it's a- it's an old- it's like an eight year old freezer. It's a slight smell of, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What show was he on? Might have been The Tonight Show. Like, he's been around for a fucking long time, Yuri Geller. I know, but his whole thing is that he knew Michael Jackson. And like, that's all he has to talk about. And he can bend spins, right? That's it. And, do you remember a guy called James Randi? Have you heard of this guy? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, he, he, well, I think, I think he's a magician, but he's, he's very anti, um, like, uh, what's the word?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a debunker, that's right. So he's like anti, uh, psychic powers. Anti-magic. He's offered $100,000 to someone who can prove to him that it's possible. He had a show where people would come on and he would go on talk shows and debunk stuff. And I think he was on the show with Yuri Geller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And saying to him, right, do your thing. And Yuri Geller was like, well, you know, backing out of it and basically saying he couldn't do it sort of thing. And there was a whole bunch in the 70s, this stuff was really big. And it was people like James Randi that sort of shut it down. But the weird thing to me is that he had this TV show where people could come on and try and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prove that their stupid trick, which was clearly not real, worked and it would have to be under these conditions that he would set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was blowing, he'd figured out a way to blow an extremely concentrated stream of air to turn a page and he would make it look like it was with his chi power and he opened up all these karate skills where he'd teach you chi power and all this kind of crap and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had like a really, really weird thin pencil mustache. He was a weird guy. So James Randi said, okay, I want you to do this, but I'm going to put these little styrofoam beads all over the paper and I want you to see if you can do it without, you know, without them moving in any way other than


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they could even do it with James Randi standing next to them. Who's going to say, all right, you can do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you know, and he'd insert some other obstacle and they'd be like, oh no, I can't do it. And they'd rather than just say it's a fair cop, you got me. They would always try and claim it with some-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she would read to him, alright, uh, her name is Cilla, she's in row 4F, and her dad's got a bad toe. And he would know, and I'm thinking, wouldn't you put two and two together and think, hang on, I wrote that on my card that I was asked to do at the start of the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to, uhm, a live, uh, like a magic show, but rather than just be like the traditional, like, illusionist stuff, he was a, what they call themselves, mentalists. So, the same way that Derren Brown is like a mentalist, you know, he does tricks with people's minds, he'll get them to, to guess a number and he will have already written it down, all that kind of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when we got there, we got there quite early, and there were these two balconies either side of the sort of audience. So you had the audience sat down there in front of the stage, and there were two balconies either side. And these two guys came in, they both sat down the exact same time, and they sort of looked at each other very pointedly when they sat down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I was watching really closely and these, these guys were obviously feeding the information. It kind of took it away a bit when I saw these two guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walking in alone, I mean, it's just so weird that they both happen to be on the same part of the balcony opposite each other at the exact- they arrive at the same time, they both look at each other, and then they both sit down. I was like, okay, these guys are in on the show. But he wasn't trying to make out like he was using magic tricks, he was like, these are all tricks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they'll say, and I couldn't possibly have done so and so, because, I mean, when they go, now sir, we've never met, have we? That's no good anymore, because people are like, bullshit, you know each other, like, come on. That's why you guys high-fived.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like that time that Duncan saw that woman watching pornography of herself in, in the lobby of a hotel. It's like, you know, that's the ultimate, I mean, that's the one in a billion, like eavesdropping slash, you know, eyeballing something, like walking past and watching a woman watching porn of herself. That is... Why would you watch that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do think it's weird when you talk to people that they've had a relationship with someone subsequently broken up and then have told everybody else what that person was like. And sometimes this stuff that you hear, you think like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? That person? Like, it's mind-blowing. People completely change when it comes to sex. And I think it is definitely one of the, if not the weirdest thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It occurs to me there are an awful lot of people out there now, like a decent percentage of the population, who have been in a pornographic film, even a homemade one, that is now available on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not even talking about people filming themselves. I mean, this is shit where there's like a cameraman, you know? There's like two people having sex and there's clearly a third person there with a camera. Yeah, that's pretty fucked up too. So they know this is gonna end up on the internet because why the fuck is Steve filming this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, if, you know, it's like he's filming and they're, you know, they're looking at it, oh yeaah, you know, they're, they're poring it up. They're, they know that they're making porn. And there's a million people out there doing this. So my question is, first of all, how much money are they getting out of this? Like, genuinely? How much money can you get from porn? I know it's a huge drive of traffic on the internet, but how much do they get?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem with it is your stock, your range of stock is going to have to be so vast because there's so much porn, or you're going to need to make sure that millions of people are watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello everybody and welcome back to another Triforce Podcast with me, Lewis, Sips, and Period Flex. Say hi. Hey. It's been a week since we've been away. It has. Uh, and that was because I think there were like holidays, chips away, adventure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you guys live a busy life with, with children and families and streaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, now is sports day for kids still like just a fun day in the sun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, is it kind of like, is it at the point with your kids where it's gone beyond cute though? Because originally I guess it started off like, like doing, like they do in a play where all the parents are filming it and it's really cute and they're really bad. But now are they just basically mini Olympic athletes and they're being like yelled at by competitive dads?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's a very American idea, isn't it? But I don't think that is the case, ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been doing egg and spoon race and sack race since we were five, right? We should get those in the Olympics, right? I'd watch them for a start. Skipping race, great idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like trucking my kid into school or whatever, I dunno, like yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think for me, like, I had like a bunch of medals, like four or five, and you know, to the point where I did like a fun run, you know, when I was like, I dunno, six or something, and I got one and everyone got a medal for it, and it was like the cheapest


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shittiest metal. Of course. And I was like, fucking hell, this looks like it might as well be made of like, you know, it might as well come off the front of a magazine, do you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pump house, I think the, the, the, the general, cause that used to be the general hospital, but they call it, they call it the general. It's huge, huge complex. And there's like the brewery and the brew house and the keg storage and the shit storage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what if I came in at like 10 to 9 and I asked for a bacon sandwich, right, but you didn't have any bacon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, fine. Fuck. That's, I was just proposing that question, that's all. Nice. Holy shit. But, but, but the old office, uhm, actually, you know, we moved out of our old office. We moved out, so a year ago. Yeah. And that's all been converted to flats, they're all really nice, they've all been sold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very, very cool though in summer. It's very nice at the moment. It's just not hot at all. So that is a big, a big plus. And it's got a little garden which I really like. You know, I can sit out there and I've enjoyed the garden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like it, but I might have to, might have to get out because it's pissing me off. A lot of the dank base many things like mold in the bathroom and all that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was bringing back a lot of memories of watching old football games and honestly, for me, I guess this is just a thing because I've suddenly gotten old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it made me think that, I felt like I'd been watching this before. I felt like I'm watching like the same thing I used to do with my dad watching penalty shootouts. I can't remember where the last penalty shootouts I watched were, but, but I definitely have watched England lose several penalty shootouts. Uhm, and I was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, like watching the game felt like it was some sort of dramatic thing. Now obviously like the announcers are so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I've watched some other World Cup games, and the announcers are so, in this game, they're so biased towards England, right? They can't help, but they have to be, right? It's like, and they build up Colombia to be these bad guys, and they're like, watching them scuffing up the spot, and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if, if we can name a nation on the modern world who wouldn't mind being like demonised as like bad guys, I feel like Colombia, you know, it's got this reputation as like a drug lord place where they get cocaine and it's sort of sinister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in the previous game as well, like, I was really happy to see Panama score a goal, cause they can go away with that and be like, holy shit, you know, we did, sure we lost 6-1, but at least we didn't lose 6-0. It felt like they were kind of like, at a point where I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when it happened I was like, oh, this is quite a relief. I don't know, it feels like the World Cup in general is going well for us and, and I'm, I don't know, like, you turned me around P-Flex when you talked about it last time and I, I was like, why am I so, you know, set in my ways against football? I should give it a go. Oh, I've been loving it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still don't like football. Don't get me wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. I was wondering, Sips, but I guess your friends that you're doing this pool with are actually friends from Canada rather than Jersey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, England, I suppose, rather, in a sense, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I'm sort of saying, rather than sort of supporting the local sides, they, they,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, like Scotland, you know, are almost rooting for, you know, uh, Sweden, right? On Saturday. Oh, a lot of them, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because like, they, they quite like that, that's a fun game and it's not like this, it's not, it's just a fun thing that, that Scotland do and it's, it's funny, right? I like it. It's this sort of semi, semi, like, elbow-y nudge, nudge thing that's just, they don't really hate, well I'm sure some of them do hate the Brits as much as...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I was just sort of thinking, because when we were going to New Zealand and Australia, they were such big fans of British TV, uhm, and they really like, you know, they're really into that sort of stuff, and they resonated well with us. They felt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Much more like our people who've got our sense of humour and our things, they kind of get behind us on these, more so than you'd expect, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shin's been a bunch of times, and we obviously went there, went to Vancouver for a few days, and Hat Films did as well, and we didn't fucking, I can't remember anything that we did that was particularly amazing. It's like, it's like a grid of, it's an American grid city, slapped down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well it's sprawled and grown massively. I remember we walked through and nearly got like stabbed by needles because we ended up just walking randomly and we walked into like this massive homeless area as all American cities have, you know, it's just a massive poverty area. And I don't know, it was, I mean weirdly that's the bit that stands out for me, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If the Canadian tourist board, like, had to put something on the front it would be like, bamf, go to bamf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, Vancouver's really nice too. I mean, actually it's really hipster-y, a lot like Seattle. Loads of really nice, cool little places, coffee shops, and just really, really nice people. It really feels a lot very upmarket, you know. But yeaah, it's a big, big city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I remember like when I was there like hearing that basically originally Vancouver had like a choice and it was like we could join America or Canada which one offers us the best stuff. Uhm, and I think that Canada just offered them a better deal I think and that's why they ended up joining Canada. I think it could have gone either way though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which isn't a huge drive, and they went into some national parks and stuff on the way, but even that was like, fucking long, hardcore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But man, anyway, we were looking at it and it was like, it was like, do you feel like you want to just drive all day? I mean, we went to New Zealand, um, me and, and, and we drove a lot. We started off in Auckland and we drove down to like all the middle of the North Island. And when we looked at it, when we planned it out, I was like, okay, it looks like it'll be about an hour or two of driving every day. We ended up doing like fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four to six hours of driving almost every day and it was like so much driving we did because, you know, we ended up going to different places and we didn't factor in having to like go to day trips to places. Sometimes it would be like an hour to get somewhere, an hour fucking around in the local area and then an hour coming back. It would be like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much like driving, these places with lots of space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're obsessed with chili, what's going on? You planning a trip or something? P-flags? You went to Berlin, let's quickly talk about this before it fades from your memory. Why did you go to Germany? You know me so well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zoos are definitely weird. I don't know where it's come from, but I have this same automatic response almost. I think, I think sometimes my beliefs and my thoughts and my feelings come from just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very cruel. All fish in a tank. Like, like, I ultimately think that, oh, that's cruel, but, but, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So often I've, I've been told that that's, that's just wrong and like that birds, you know, like modern, modern pet, pet birds that you'd have as pets have kind of been bred like cats to the point where they're used to living in cages and they like it and they're kind of, they can't really survive on their own. Do you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the same time I know that like a bird will like kind of pluck its own feathers if it's like stressed out or something and some of them don't like bright lights and so I went to this place in, in, in Japan uhm, where I saw some, some sort of captive birds being held and it, it felt to me very


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They feel very open, they feel very like caring, they've got a large amount of space, they've got a large amount because they're very hyper-conscious about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I don't know why I have this low underlying stress level that wants me to like free animals and stuff, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. And the most expensive restaurants there, you'll be able to say, yeah, I want that fish, you know, and he'll pluck it out, cut its head off while it's still moving, you know, and chop it up for you in front of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think this is changing though to some extent, like I think people are becoming more aware of this and these things are slowly being, being


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But put forward and, and it's changed, change is happening, but I think like, hm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's tricky, isn't it? It's like a tricky topic. Just to cap this one off, Bruce


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so please come to Bristol. We're not the Bristol Tourist Board, I said this in the vlog last week, so we've got our little statue of the Wallace and Gromit, um, the Wallace and Gromit statue. Oh yeah, yeah, that's good. It's nice to walk around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, me and Simon recorded a one-off podcast, which should be out already. Is it okay if we put it on this feed? Yeah. Uhm, I know you guys are quite protective. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well it's okay, we'll find out somewhere to put it, it'll be fine. You guys can have a look. No, put it on here for good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have any, like, positive memories of, like, the Yogscast? And, like, what's, what's, like, uhm, anything you have to say on this sort of birthday time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the Tri-Force Podcast this week, everyone. We will hopefully be back next week. Yea, we should be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the Triforce podcast this week with me, Lewis. I'm joined by Sips. Hey there, Sips. Hello. And period flax. Sir! All the way from London. Yo. How's everyone doing? From London. All the way from London.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Live from London, live and direct. So this week we are trying to get ready to go away to insomnia, spank hold the Easter weekend. Uh, the Easter bunnies are laying eggs, um, which I'm pretty sure bunnies don't do. And then they get eaten because they're made of chocolate by children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see. So we should try and start a movement to get rid of eggs and get instead more


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, do you, is it uhm, I mean eggs, right, chocolate eggs. I was, I was always a little bit kind of, I guess disappointed by chocolate eggs. I, I guess, because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was always assuming that they would be, when I was a kid this was like, I always just assumed that inside, when you cracked open the egg, it would just like, Maltesers would spill out. But no, it's probably like, inside the egg is a little plastic bag, containing the Maltesers, do you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Oh, so they're gonna have a meeting now and discuss making even bigger bags. Oh man. Yeah, and we're gonna, this could be like a flipping poster size bag next time. It'd have like four minstrels in the bottom of it. Minstrel sack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's your go-to chocolate though? If you're in like a service station on a motorway or if you're in like a, if you're in the local newsagent, what is your go-to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh right, what the fuck are you talking about? Well they put like a portaloo in the middle of the fucking chimpanzee enclosure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, maybe, maybe what you do is you have one next to like the changing room in like H&M or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not? Why the hell not? Masturbation booths just like dotted around in the city I think would be, would be a danger a little bit. How do you feel about like that kind of exhibitionist like sex in public kind of on the beach or like on like, with a thrill of being caught I guess? Is that like, have you guys ever like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? It was both, it was both, there are two, there were too few minstrels in this size packet. And so he came back to you saying, his answer was a very diplomatic one, he said there is a bigger packet. He didn't say the reason that there's so few in there. You know, he diverted your, he let your fury cool down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think so. Anyway, man, I was just thinking like uhm, Moana. Moana sounds like it could be a porno already, doesn't it? Because it's got the word like moan in the, in the title.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On chain play, is there other movies that have done that or is it just this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, with, I, I, I looked in the mirror today and I've got this like grey streak in my hair at the front and I thought, fuck me, I look like Cruella De Vil. I'm like, I'm like, I need to do something about it. So I'm gonna have to start, I think dyeing my hair. I'll tell you what animated


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that, what about the snail? The snail?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a racing one. What? Oh, there was a snail one. It was, it was terrible. Right. Yeah. I don't know if that was a Disney one. Oh no, it was probably like a DreamWorks, wasn't it? I think we're blending, we're blending into the other studios now. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or is that like, or is that like, I don't know like, I think there's something weird about that, isn't there? Like, do you not think? Maybe not, maybe not though. I mean, would you, is your brother the exact kind of person you want as your brother?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he, is a bodyguard supposed to take a bullet for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stuart Lee's great. I mean, he's like the original kind of inspiration I think for like, like one of our, one of our big like comedy inspirations. Really, Simon like is huge. Oh, he's great. He's so fucking great. And he used to listen to, I think he still listens to the, the inherent kind of podcasts they do. Yeah. Man, like all the way back. He's, Simon's just a huge fan as well. So yeah, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I, I, I've driven, I think I watched the, um, the Alan Partridge Alpha Papa movie. Is that gay? Which, um, with Simon we watched it in the cinema and I've really enjoyed it actually. So if you haven't seen that, like I thought it was good. It was really fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many, yeah. But the part of the art, it's the same thing with Louis C.K. It's like, you know, the art is to make it feel like it's still the first time you're doing it almost, you know, make it feel natural, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, cause I remember Jimmy Carr was like in doing like, there was this dodgy thing with him tax, doing tax avoidance on Jersey, right? And that was like what, and I remember when I went to Jersey for the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean like, I think like there's a, you don't have to watch bad movies either though, right? Like I was talking to Tom and Ben yesterday and we were like talking about Demolition Man, you know, from the 90s. Like, it's a classic kind of, it's a classic 90s action mess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the, that's the, that's the true story of Scientology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's a bunch of, talking about bad movies, like the ones I remember are Jack and Jill. Oh, I saw that recently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone else in the office saw Get Out, the new, um, written by Jordan Peele.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, it, well, it's, yeaah, yeaah, I don't want to spoil it. I think you just have to, you have to just watch it. It's definitely a little bit kind of, um, creeps you out a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, sorry, I've just got text. Right, I'm gonna have to go. We're gonna have to, um, my friends... You have to go? Well, we've got time for bodega, haven't we?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, well, my friend's turned up that I haven't seen for like 10 years, and he's like, I'm just, I've just parked up in, uh, Bristol, town centre, so I'm gonna have to go and head over and have lunch with him. But, no, I've got time for a bodega.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just thinking like, while you were saying, while you were doing this, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like Battleship made a pretty bad good movie, right? Right. But, and Bodega would make a pretty bad good movie I think too. But, I mean what if you tried to do like other movies like with a board game, like Scrabble, how would you do that? It'd have to be like, it'd have to be like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go see my bro, uhm, yeaah. Uh, incidentally they did retire the iron from Monopoly. Yeah I know. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello everybody and welcome back to the Triforce Podcast. With me, Pirian Flax. Woo! You're not Pirian Flax. Uh, oh, with me, Pirian Flax. AdSip. Sorry. With me, Lewis. Pirian Flax. This guy. Bald guy. Hello. Can't tell he's bald. Cut a can!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can hear it. We are sponsored, uh, by jugs.com. Uh, you could get a jug for all of your jugging needs. Whether you're a prisoner and you want to jug someone. Whether you like jugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you need, do you need, do you sleep, do you have sleep trouble? Does your back hurt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you wake up with a sore neck? Why not get a new mattress? From BigJugzMatresses.com Use the code TRUS at checkout for 0% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, sorry, I've been listening to a lot of podcasts and they have like, like a minute of adverts at the start, guys. So I felt like we need to make fake ones. Got any, got any products you wanna, wanna flog? Got any shit you wanna promote? I think we did this before, didn't we? The fake ads at the start of the podcast. I know. I just, ah, it's just annoys me a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Not only that, but like your mouth feels like you've eaten a fucking cardboard box. You know what I mean? They're so dry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, oh my god, this is like a big sort of, almost feels like a conspiracy theory that's going on, right, where it's like phthalates, I think they're called, phthalates, right, or whatever. They're in, they're in your fucking bloodstream. Everyone has like a high quantity of phthalates in them. And I read, actually, relatively recently that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tight pants, men's tight briefs, okay, cause lower testosterone because of the plastic in underpants, right? Touching your balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to open the door to my fucking bedroom last night because I went in there and I was like, my god, this is, this is a bad one. Like I couldn't get rid of the smell. I was like shaking the covers, like up and down. I was just trying to get the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're lying there on your back, you know, with your head at an awkward angle, your iPad on your belly, and you're just trying to relax but, you know, the sound of the gunfire from the iPad game you're playing triggers the memories of war.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what was the idea, you got, so how long were you there, like a few days or just a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called, apparently it's Vysencox. Oktoberfest cocaine. Uh, it's made of glucose and menthol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so the powder is cut into lines on beer tables, or since they're usually covered in sticky beer, tapped onto the back of hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So tell me about some of these crazy people you met. I wanna know, did you meet Hans and Claudia? Were they like fucking just getting pissed? Were they like abandoning their jobs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but again, it's like what they're used to, right? When you start off there, you're carrying one at a time, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I'd like it though. I feel like, I feel like for me it would be like, I don't really like those kind of big drunken party things. I never really have. Uhm, and so for me it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say it's like a sort of a fairground, so is it more like a kind of like, is it more like a specific festival area that you have to get a train out? It is, yeaah. So yeaah. It's all like isolated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. I mean that's just part of it, right? Like it's, it's really, the thing is in a sense, plus the beer's very drinkable, it's very much like low alcohol content and you have to, you know, you really have to go really fucking hard on it to get that kind of wasted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big fans, big fans here. I just, I just find it so bizarre. Everything from 1946 onwards, you're cool. So I guess I have used a good number to always have some sort of conversation flowing right between like old friends, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds healthier than fucking pretzels and beef. I guess so, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honestly, you sound, when you started saying about these, how do you form a religious cult? You sound like L. Ron Hubbard, originally, when he said, you know, cause didn't he say something like, if you want to get rich, make a religious cult? And then he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of people who are called what they call a German Mitlaufer, which means like, withrunner, or like, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The major offenders who were, you know, fully involved, there were people who profited off the German activities, there were people who were, who were, who were lesser offenders, and then there were these followers, uhm, who were kind of just people who were


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Involved but weren't sufficiently like tied to the Nazi regime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Everyone knows someone who is deluded and convinced about this crap, but most of the time it's not worth trying to change their mind. Because it causes more trouble than it's worth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, I didn't know. Did you know there's a fucking spaceship behind the moon? And it's going to pick us all up? And then we're going to get massive dicks? And then we're going to be able to fuck all the space aliens? It's like, wow. Sounds amazing!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think for me, like, you know, like the whole anal probing and stuff, right? People saying, oh no, look, I got abducted by aliens. So they shoved things up my butt. And it's like, I know that these guys are probably the ones shoving stuff up their own butt. Do you know what I mean? They're the guys going to hospital saying, oh, I've got seven dildos stuck up my ass again.


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[Assistant] It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we got this thing here because the aliens like fucking sucking the jam off my dick, you know, so that's why I've got jam all over it. The aliens love jam dick.


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[Assistant] It's, it's all like, it's all, it's, but it's the same thing with, with kings. Like when you were, if you were a king of a, of a kingdom, your biggest problem was other people wanting to become king. And you had to keep them happy that they were happy with their station and not


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[Assistant] We're so proud to be sponsored by Crusader Kings 2. It is interesting, man. I love all that stuff. Yeah it is, it's super interesting. If you were to make your own cult pflex, what would you do?


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[Assistant] You have to have something, you have to have something in your life which requires, uh, like something which is like, you know, like a big problem. Like I think Joseph Smith maybe was like, Oh God, I'm having an affair, but I need to cover this up. A little bit like, even like Mary being like, Oh God, I had,


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[Assistant] I had sex out of wedlock, but let's just say God done it.


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[Assistant] I'm messing with a lot of people here. You can see how, how like, oh, you know, like I need to get a supernatural way out of my problem. You know, what's your problem P-Flex and how do you, how do you like solve it? Do you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] But that's not the same with this podcast. Like half of the things we say are just garbage. Like some of them are funny, sure, but like you can't always like hit the jackpot with stuff. It's experimental. But they're not experimenting.


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[Assistant] Case closed. Was it George Carlin who said like, think of the average guy in the street, you know, 50 fucking percent of people are dumber than that guy. Do you know what I mean? So it's like.


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[Assistant] I think that's part of your charm though, Sips, that you're a little bit kind of, but you have that sort of slightly sideways, the ability to be funny is to look at the world on a tilt, you know, look at the, look at the square from a different angle.


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[Assistant] No, I definitely think like, you have a bit of that. We all do though, I think, a little bit.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, you know, if you're deadly serious. But apparently comedy also comes with intelligence, like smart people are slightly more able to be funny. I don't know if that's anything to go by, but personally, I have my IQ.


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[Assistant] That does happen when you just, when you've got like emotions boiling in you and you're just, you have a very short fuse and you just, you know, someone makes a joke at you and you just blink at them and...


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[Assistant] It definitely is like a thing where I've noticed, I've said this before, but when we meet fans and the fan is clearly nervous, sometimes making a joke is actually not


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[Assistant] It is. It's highly competitive. I think any of those pros saying fuck you back are actually saying it as a joke though, right? But I think sometimes the people who said that didn't mean it as a joke, and they're not expecting a joke back either.


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[Assistant] You know? And it's funny to see that frustration and that reality.


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[Assistant] That general sort of have to have that demeanour to stand out and go up the ladder at work or with the other lads. Oh, you know Wilhelm, Karen today, she's fucking talking about computer games.


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[Assistant] Oh, fuck. Anyway, holy shit, I think, I think that is enough for today, guys. Oh man. So, so thanks for listening to the Travels Podcast, everyone. Be sure to check out our sponsors, uh, big fucking jugs. Mini cheddars. Yeah, highland cheddars. Mac drink. Cold and flu. Highlands. Highland spring. And paradox, of course.


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[Assistant] And don't forget, two joy periods, new religion, come in 2019, bald people only.


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[Assistant] A little too remote, and they sort of haven't made any contact with civilization. But some people, of course, will say, well, what a wonderful thing! That means they're, they're like, you know, they don't have any of the bullshit that we've got, like Facebook and shit like that.


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[Assistant] Because we were all used to living, this is my understanding of it anyway, is that people in Europe and the Middle East had been living in cities and we developed.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's no dentist, he had to use an ice skate to knock his tooth out. No internet. No internet. Best friend was a volleyball.


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[Assistant] I mean, there's that historical vibrator they claim that was just like a wooden thing filled with bees. Yeah. I'm not sure if it's true, but I mean, you know, it's, it's conceivable I guess. You just shake it to get them good and angry and then, and then it's a fun time I guess.


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[Assistant] That's probably the worst conclusion you could draw from all the meetings that we've had with them. They've tried to kill us, they've rejected gifts, and what Lewis says is, ah, they love it. They want this attention. They, uh, I don't think they're sending a clear enough signal with the, get the fuck off our island, we're gonna shoot you with arrows and throw spears at you and burn and stab and bury anything you bring us. Please fuck off. Lewis is like, nah.


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[Assistant] When Tony got shot by that arrow, I was like, oh my god, I couldn't believe it. And I was like, get me out of here. But then I thought, you know what?


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[Assistant] Maybe he's just misunderstood and actually what he's trying to open up and the arrow is like how he's opening up so I try it again and yeaah he stabbed me in the leg.


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[Assistant] Gazza's in the same boat, everybody loves Gazza. So anytime he goes out, people are like,


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[Assistant] On the 9th of July 2010, Gascoigne appeared at the scene of the tense standoff between the police and fugitive Raoul Mote, which is a bizarre name. Sounds like a Star Wars character. Raoul Mote. Claiming to be a friend of Mote and stating that he'd brought him


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, the Raoul Moat case, 2010, so it was about eight years ago now. Uh, nearly nine years ago, so a lot of you youngins out there were probably just kids when it happened, but if you wanna have a look, Raoul Moat, uh, it's, it's very strange. He died, sadly, he got shot, but...


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[Assistant] Especially in a war where you've got like, conscription. Like, professional soldiers, obviously they're trained and they're into it. But if you're, I mean, I doubt in Afghanistan the lads are kind of all over the shop, you know what I mean? It's like organized. But yeah, when you've got millions of soldiers and you're like, right, we have to push.


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[Assistant] Do not go to the Southfields, those crazy Englishmen are still there. But yea, the Japanese guys, I guess they just drop these lads off, hold this island, it's like a teeny little island. But the locals apparently would occasionally, they'd notice that they were getting burglarized and robbed for food and equipment and stuff and the guys were just fucking living rough. I mean honestly, that's fucking hardcore. That's pretty hardcore, yea.


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[Assistant] And they are, they are. They developed a holy text that said, and the Lord said, stay on this island, don't let any fucker on. If they bring you gifts, bury them or burn them. Especially the pigs. If someone ever gives you a pig, stab it in the eye. They're like, right you are. They taught their kids and that's how they raised them.


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[Assistant] Do you know what's interesting? Uh, today, we're talking about the war and today, uh, my eldest daughter did her class assembly. Nice. And they're studying World War II this term and stuff, which is great. I'm like really excited in her schoolwork for the first time ever.


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[Assistant] London, right? And it was 800,000 kids that they schlepped off to the countryside.


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[Assistant] And I'm thinking, how the fuck would that happen ever in a million years where you just get nearly a million kids and just give them to strangers who've said, yeah, we'll take a couple of kids. I mean, how would you trust anybody to just look after your kids in wartime and not- These days, that seems like-


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[Assistant] But that's when they know that you're with the kids, like if you've been sat there, I was sitting there, my kids are off playing, I'm reading the paper, and, or I'm on my phone, which I'm always worried about, if I'm on my phone in the playground, people are thinking, is he taking pictures of the kids? Like it is, as a bloke, you are more likely, rightly so, to be accused, or to be under suspicion for sure.


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[Assistant] There's too many, there's too many dads around nowadays that actually do stuff. You know what I mean? Like hands on dads actually taking their kids to the playground. It's not like the old days when you just never saw men around kids unless they were like literally quite obviously their dads.


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[Assistant] You know, you know, she started listening to the podcast. Did I tell you guys that? Really? Yeah, she's like a year behind. Okay.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, that was when she first got it and we went on holiday with the little fucker. This is about the fact that she's getting rid of it, and so that was an update on Doggate.


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[Assistant] So I was actually kind of surprised that she enjoyed it, and she said, I listened to your podcast, and I was like, here we go. And she was like, it was pretty funny, pretty funny. I was like, okay. So then she started listening to them all, and now she's a loyal viewer, you know, listener, like she listens to them all.


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[Assistant] I think she listens to it when she's commuting. Right. Uhm, and I think she probably listens to it when she's in, she has like a lab at work where she does some of her work, like a computer lab. Yeaah. Uhm, so I think she probably listens to it when she's in there. Uhm, but yeaah, she does listen to it, so hey, hey love, love you.


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[Assistant] Do you know what I- this is, this is interesting, cause last week, yeah, this podcast is like, it's like the, a bunch of ley lines meeting up once a week, and all the threads of my life, uh, not, they're, they're de-unraveled, whatever, they're collected. Anyway.


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[Assistant] But, yeaah. Maybe it's less interesting than it sounded in my head.


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[Assistant] I was there to help the teachers out because they have to get the kids from the school.


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[Assistant] They were teaching the kids about World War II and they had to do like this little investigation. They were given all these materials to research and stuff like that. And they were all copies of these actual MI5 files that were stored.


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[Assistant] Exactly. And they actually have stuff like that. Now that's all underground. So imagine the Overground bit is like a massive library full of old people looking up their family history and hoping they're related to someone famous, I guess. I mean, that's how it seems. It was all old people. And there's a whole bunch of historians.


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[Assistant] So there are like groups of people there. There's the money-grubbing old people hoping they're related to someone famous and rich. Then you've got the actual historians and history students who are researching for papers and books and stuff. And then you've got like school trips and things like that. So underneath the National Archives, they have these huge rooms.


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[Assistant] That are like the size of like two football pitches or something stupid like that. Huge, huge, huge rooms. Full, full of these boxes, these filing boxes. That are full of, full of papers.


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[Assistant] You know William H. Macy, the actor who was in Fargo, he was, um, Jerry, what's his name, Jerry Lundegard, who was in Fargo, uhm, he said that their style of directing, like actors, is that you'll do the scene and they'll just say,


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[Assistant] You know, I really like that part where you, uh, you smiled at the end there and that was a really good take.


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[Assistant] Okay, let's do it again. And they just sort of, they just praise you, and then ask you to do it again. They don't say, no, no, no! It's more like this, and so they just tell you what they really liked, and then just say, yeah, run it, do it again. It's just like, okay, so what did I do wrong?


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[Assistant] I think, uh, makes it. I mean, if you think about, like, No Country For Old Men,


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[Assistant] Uhm, Javier Bardem is Anton Chigurh, right? And he's brilliant, he's like this otherworldly creepy guy, does a brilliant performance, but then, uh, god what the hell, I can never remember his name, I always want to call him Matt Bona, but I know that's not his name.


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[Assistant] The guy who played George W. Bush in the George W. Bush movie. I'm sure he was Thanos in the Avengers movie. The fuck is the actor's name? It's not Matt Bona.


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[Assistant] It does, Matt Buller. Josh Brolin. So, Josh Brolin, so I thought he was really good in it, and Kelly Mcdonald was his wife, she was really good. It's just, it's just really, really good actors, but, I don't know, like even, uhm, what's his name?


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[Assistant] No, it's not got Jason Statham in, it's not an action movie. Sicario is a really, really good movie, I recommend it. Sicario 2, the opposite. It's, it's a really bad movie, but uhm, it's got some good action sequences in I guess, if you like, it's just completely...


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[Assistant] I mean 30,000 years before anyone had even started writing about this monotheistic god, these people end up on this island, and this lad thinks it's his fucking calling to go and tell them about Jesus. What a fucking ego this guy's got.


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[Assistant] I mean, listen, listen to this, this is from his diary. Are you ready for this? This is from his diary. This is him writing to God in his diary as if God's gonna read his diary. No one reads other people's diaries. Dear diary. Yeah. Brackets God. If you're reading this, and I hope you're not, because that would be kind of a betrayal of the whole diary trust thing, but I know you probably are.


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[Assistant] He's- he's like bargaining! Yeah! I don't wanna die! Would it be wiser to leave and let someone else continue?


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[Assistant] I can't drink coffee anymore, so I don't, I haven't drunk it in a couple of years. Why? What happened? It makes me shit a lot. Well, I thought it was your heart thing. No. No, it's just the shitting. I got sick of it.


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[Assistant] Hello everybody and welcome back to the Triforce podcast coming at ya from, uh, from Yourscar Studios, the island of Jersey and a place in London that we will not identify.


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[Assistant] It's tooking him, yeaah. It's, I forgot. Uh, welcome back. So, joined by Period of Zips, how you guys doing? Great. Have a good week. Great week. Just great. One of our best. It's plowing into the early February snowmageddon. Yeaah. It's cold as flip out there. It's absolutely freezing.


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[Assistant] Is that something that was on those in-flight kind of, um, screeners or whatever, like shows you like, like whenever you're on a plane and you fly over these places, it sort of tells you places that you're kind of on that, there's places on that map that you've never heard of. Right.


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[Assistant] Surely the city of like, Ontario is right there or whatever, but it's like telling you it's like the fucking...


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[Assistant] There's nothing to do. Well, like, is that, is that really what it's like? Is that really the thing, or is it, is it, like, it's beautiful? Some people love this kind, cause you say, call it like a blasted hellscape, right? Some people love that kind of raw,


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[Assistant] Also, cause you feel such burned and scalded hands, you always just put butter on them, you know, to keep, you know, help them heal. That's right, yeaah. And so you just have the butteriest fingers, uh, when you're carrying stuff. Like, I'm not gonna understand it, you're a dad. Yeaah. You know, these are necessary things to have in a kid.


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[Assistant] No, but not you. I mean, like, just generally. Like, it feels like, oh, it's only water. How can that, like, cause any serious, like, burn? But actually, it's more like, yeah, it can do a lot of damage. But then again, like-


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[Assistant] Well I think these are the, these are the things, these are the accounts we heard though, I mean we don't really, you know, it doesn't make a big splash when just nothing happens, does it? You know, the news is the news, you know, there's billions of people in the world and we hear about, you know,


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[Assistant] This was the problem. Work, work. I mean, what else are soldiers doing, right? You know, like off, I read like when I was uhm, when we were in old New Zealand that the New Zealand army had been involved building these roads for uhm, to get to Hobbiton out in the middle of fucking nowhere. Right. So they could build all these, this film set, you know, and it's kind of,


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[Assistant] Like uhm, somebody thinking a bit about New Zealand's been playing the new Civ 6 expansion which has the Maori in it. Right. And uhm, and it's quite fun anyway. I was thinking all about my holiday last year, cause this time last year I was in New Zealand and uhm,


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[Assistant] Going around having a fucking great time in the, in summer. You know, it wasn't cold at all. You know, if you want to avoid the cold in Chicago, just flip to the southern hemisphere. It's probably fucking boiling down there. It's midsummer. It's probably lovely.


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[Assistant] What was, what did I hear about the army? It was something like, where we do more than normal people do in a day before 9am and then nothing afterwards at all. Something like that.


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[Assistant] I totally get it. And I have noticed this as well. Like, you know, when, when, when we stream, are streaming a lot more since, since December and I'm worried to like tell the same stories or talk about stuff that's happening because, you know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this, you don't quite, you don't quite know whether it's you or not though. Sometimes it's like,


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[Assistant] I'm playing a game and I'm like, is this a bad fucking game or am I just in a bad mood?


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[Assistant] And sometimes it's just a bad game, like, I can't, I can't, you know, you can't blame yourself for everything. You're right, you're right. Uhm, holy shit, so you went out teaching p-flags. Yes.


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[Assistant] It's, it's, I reckon, I've talked about this, I'm sure we've talked about this before, but I reckon it's like an evolutionary thing that people who go to gigs, who at all have a good time, because they can see everything, so they end up going back to gigs. So I think like, on average, the people who are at gigs are taller than like an average mix of, I reckon you don't find many like,


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[Assistant] I'm sure you do quite a few, but whenever I go it's always the tallest people.


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[Assistant] That's an interesting thing, like, right? We all know someone who is that personality type, right? We all know someone, either from school or from life somewhere, who is the kind of get going, get your tits out woman, in the same way that we all know that nerdy guy or that guy who like, hoards water in his garage or, you know, the most likely to kind of, I don't know, just, you know, be


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[Assistant] Bunch of guys on the fucking wall, and they're heating up the hot oil, the boiling hot oil, and one of their girlfriends comes up, gets on his shoulders to look over the wall, gets the tits out,


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[Assistant] That'd be awesome. Honestly, like, I think, like, imagine a TV show called Get Your Tits Out.


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[Assistant] I dunno, you don't wanna, you don't wanna kind of get down the wrong, like, I don't, I wanna keep it like, I don't want it to start being ridiculous though, right? Here's the thing.


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[Assistant] We can create, these things can be created now, you know, there's no, we're on the internet, you know, people can watch, you know, this crazy shit. I mean, it's been going on in Japan for a long time, hasn't it?


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[Assistant] Maybe making a panel show is harder than we think. I think it might be. But actually I think what happens is you need to record for like three or four hours and then cut it down to like half an hour of good stuff, right?


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[Assistant] If we have like the flag, we could- this is a great idea, cause you don't have to show the boner, but you could just see like, does this titillate?


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[Assistant] Exactly, uhm, I, I think that, I mean, my youngest, uhm, was laid low for like three or four days by it. And she, she like got it just towards the end of half term, started to have an awful cough, like rattly chest. She sounded like an old steam engine, an old timey.


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[Assistant] Uh, so yeaah, and she, but she learnt to blow her nose, which is a, which is a big one, otherwise they just sniff all the time, and I'm like, that makes you sicker.


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[Assistant] Gotta blow your nose. So now she's, she's, she's cracked it. She can do the nose blowing, which is good. Well, that's an important skill, life skill. Learn to blow your nose. You don't even realise. Knowing to clear your throat when you're going, eeeeh, and blowing your nose.


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[Assistant] I feel like when I get sick from something, uh, now, like in the past it used to be, I'd always know I was getting sick cause I got that thing at the back of my throat where you could just feel germs just settling in and you think, hmmm.


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[Assistant] Life. You know, they're just going from person to person. They're like, they're running from ride to ride. It's like, when they go around the classroom, the germs come in and it's like, they've been to a theme park and it's closed. No one else is in there.


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[Assistant] And they can just go on every ride and they're just hopped up on sugar and they're just charging around. So the germs get to me and it's a totally confusing mix of symptoms. Like one day I'm okay, the next day my eyes are running.


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[Assistant] I don't like the sound of that. What if it was Spider-Man? What if that's how he got started? He didn't get bitten by a radioactive spider. He's just swallowed so many spiders at night. He's got, he sleeps with his mouth open right near a really old piece of furniture that spiders live in. And they just always, every night they're like, let's go lads, down the, down the mouth chute.


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[Assistant] I think they have to be, they have to suffer emotional turmoil. Like, millennial level emotional turmoil. What's my place in the world?


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[Assistant] In relative darkness, uhm, so it would be, I mean, it would be incredible to look up and see that view. And I was thinking how that would change your appreciation for, you know, the soul sister of like that was this magical.


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[Assistant] We'll get to them and they'll be like, maybe we could build a really tall ladder cause it's that close and it looks that big. I reckon you could do it. I just wonder if having that amazing view as that, as your society evolves, you would think, wow, we're just meaningless, nothing with just a speck in this universe. Or whether you'd think,


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[Assistant] Yeah, but look at the moon dude. Let me tell you about the moon. It's tidally locked, right? You only see one side of it. And I think that sort of, it's like a big flat plate that just hangs there. And I love the moon. They're gonna be wrong. I love our moon. But dude, we're talking about seeing like six planets and a giant sun all in perfect like orchestra.


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[Assistant] And it would just be ridiculous. And each of those planets would be visible like a friggin' moon in the sky and you'd just watch it and think, oh this is mad. I mean it's, you know, it makes our moon look like a, like a peanut by comparison.


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[Assistant] This fucking guy, this guy on Twitter says to me it's still a long way away period.


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[Assistant] Right, with our current technology, the important fact is that we've found in, like, this is like our neighbour, okay, in terms of the galaxy and the scales involved and everything, this thing is like, oh my god, I didn't even know that this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean alright, it's still a bit of a walk, you gotta go down the road, take a right, take a left, and you know, sometimes crossing that big road is a bit tricky, but it's closer than you thought.


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[Assistant] And it's, it's pretty much a neighbor. I mean, if we found one that was one light year away and it, you know, that would be insane. But the fact that it's 39, all right, 39 light years sounds like a long way, but geez, we're not even close to leaving the solar system yet. But when, by the time we are, that's going to be the most likely destination. It's like, wow, that is actually pretty close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The issue with the exploration is the time dilation.


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[Assistant] Close to light speed. By the time you get there, time on earth would have passed so much more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello, Antarctic! Anybody heard of it? It's super cold. It's super cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I, you know, I was reading about, um, efficiency and about, well, like one of the issues with the amount of work that we're doing and the amount of return we're getting for the hours we're working is you'd expect us to be getting more efficient as time's going on, but apparently we're getting less efficient. I thought that was interesting. Or we're less productive.


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[Assistant] We're doing, we're making, well, I don't know, I can't even remember the article. I probably shouldn't have quoted it, but I definitely read something that was like showing how wages are stagnating, productivity is going down and you'd expect it to be going up, but it's not. So we're actually spending more time working for the same amount.


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[Assistant] Oh, we missed, we fucked up the programming, guys. They just prog- they concreted the entire planet. All the good stuff's underneath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they will. My eldest is, my youngest likes it because we just sit on the sofa and cuddle for an hour. And my eldest likes it because she, she, like the kids love data. Data is exactly like a child because he asks- I thought you were gonna say dad. No, they like data.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he says what he's doing all the time. He asks questions all the time. Uh, he's very straight forward. Whatever he's thinking, he'll say it. And so he's perfect for the kids to follow. He's just like a character in a kid's movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Data is like the kid, so when they watch it, they fucking love Data, the Data-centric episodes, they super love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, but we watched some crappy episodes here, like real, real mid-season filler episodes, like, uh, like there's one where, oh god, I stopped this one 10 minutes in, Beverly goes back


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To her home, she's like, I think she's Scottish as her clan, the Howard clan, okay? Goes back to her grandmother's house who's passed away. There's like all this old memorabilia she's looking at, and there's this little cast iron lamp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's lit. And this mysterious old man comes to the house and tells her, uh, puts the lamp out while she's upstairs. And she comes out and says, get out of my house, what are you doing? I've inherited this house, this place. His mind goes, oh, that lamp's brought nothing but misery to your family for generations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought, alright, so he leaves and then she turns the lamp back on and I was like, this looks terrible. I turned on the synopsis and I said, Beverly Crusher is haunted by an 800 year old ghost. And I was like, fuck this. I was like, kids, you're going to bed. We're not watching this episode. It sounds like ass. They're never, they, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what? Geordi, by the way, I think that his character is interesting. He gets in this relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think he gets to remember that this was like a multiple episode story arc. So at one point they need to save the enterprise and he has to create a holodeck simulation of the woman who invented the warp drive or this particular version of the warp drive. So he creates this holodeck version of her. It builds a personality for her from its database.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The terrible attitudes that Gene Rodenberry has towards women and, uh, I think he, like, he was just a complete shit. Because he was like a hero of mine for Star Trek. But like all of my heroes, it turns out they're assholes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Britain or in the UK, you just had to be, uh, either a molester or a drug addict or a drunk or something. That was, that was how you got in. You couldn't get in just with talent. I was like, hey, have you, uh, done anything inappropriate in your career? Oh yeah, I pinch women's arses all the time. Sometimes I beat them up. Okay, yeah, you can be an exec producer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do. Do you? Yeaah. But only my wife's. And I don't pinch it like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, you know when you pinch someone and you pinch just a tiny bit of skin, that really hurts, right? I don't do that. I'm talking like, imagine if you were squeezing a tomato to see how ripe it was. I'm like, testing the ripeness of that butt. That's the kind of pinch you're talking about, like a ha ha. That's a grab.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone pinches me, I'm gonna punch him in the fucking mouth. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it a massive investigation the police did in, into the fact that most of the people it seems that were on television in the 70s and 80s were rapists or child molesters or just awful people, uhm, alongside that. And I've, I've.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, Rolf Harris was not on my list of potentials. Benny Hill, right on there. And it turns out like Benny Hill, I haven't heard anything bad about him, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he was, he was just, his TV show was perverted, right, and kind of twisted. But he apparently just wasn't, he was like a nice guy. But all the guys who seemingly had wholesome and pleasant shows, they were the perverts. Fucking Rolf, Rolf Harris, dude, the guy with the most- Bill Cosby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is, I think so. The more innocent they seem, the less innocent they am. That's my take on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a pretty, pretty sweet, sweet and short bodega right here. Alright. Let's do it. Okay. Because, because of the criticisms of the Spanish language intro, I've had to go for English. I don't know how to say Spanish. Okay. Bodega part. I can, I can try to say it. Okay. What is it? 16.


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[Assistant] Beautiful. DHS. Bodega part DHS. Sniper class, you will come to attention barked the burly instructor. He had the self-assurance of a toddler, stood, hands on hips, on the brow of a low ridge at the firing range on Cavell 7. Uh, 6, sorry. His clothes were so khaki coloured that they all- I don't want to get my-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As ordered, the twelve young recruits snapped to attention. The instructor descended the small ridge and began walking back and forth before them, inspecting them with menace. My name is Torque Merble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This caught the attention of a young man named Bodega, who began daydreaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, sir, uh, Stammer Bodega, the way I heard it, Birflanians got a whole mess of folks down on their world, and when it comes to fighting, they just try to overwhelm the enemy with numbers. The number of Birflanians all trying to surrender is what it is, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fight, huh? I see, I see, young cadet Bodega. He clearly understands warfare. Perhaps you can give us a demonstration of your abilities, young general Bodega. Loved merble. Grabbing Bodega by the collar and encouraging him with great vigor to make friends with the firing position on the ground next to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He began calming his breathing. Smooth breaths in, out, in, out. Don't panic. Don't snatch at the trigger. Don't let merble put you off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But ain't even one of them come close. And with that, Marble stood to his full height and grinned a real scrub-eating grin.


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[Assistant] Bodega fixed the old man with a hard stare. I'm thinkin' when I make this shot, you'll give me a pass and let me skip this class so I never have to see your face again, you florvin' chatful munger. There ain't nothin' you could teach me, thought Bodega.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a result, it had extremely strong winds, and its Coriolis effect was off the charts. Add to that, it's stronger than normal gravity, and it was the worst possible conditions for a sniper. You'd do well to hit a target on cuvel, the saying went. It was not a popular saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fire when ready for our face, said Merble. Bodega stared down the scope of the rifle. It was grainy. Old. The rifles they were using were ex-military for a reason. They'd seen a lot of use. The barrels were worn, the sights were worn, the triggers were temperamental. It don't matter none to me, old man, Bodega thought. I learned to shoot with a homemade rifle my daddy gave me anyhow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Using the scope, he looked for signs of which aways the wind was blowing. Over six kilometers, the wind would be traveling every direction imaginable. The bullet he would fire would be struck from all sides by buffeting breezes, pulled downwards by gravity, and suffered crazy deviation from the Coriolis effect. He had to take it all into account when he pulled that trigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Add to this the target itself. Six kilometres hence, high atop a dull grey post, a small metal plate had been affixed. It was circular, it was pristine, and it was only ten centimetres in diameter.