[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In sheets, why not make them insanely comfortable? Why not get the best possible quality bedding for the best price? I'm a huge fan of Brooklinen. Their products are so clean and fresh feeling. I like to get the white Brooklinen sheets. We have them on our bed right now along with the duvet cover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They keep you warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Uh, I love this company cause they're founded by a husband and wife team much like your jeans here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, they were the first direct to customer bedding company. So they work directly with manufacturers and with the customers. There's no middleman, which is why they can give you such a great product and such great service. And they also provide towels, shower curtains, bath mats. They've even launched an ultra soft loungewear line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes you feel like you never left your bed, which is my favorite place to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like softness, comfort, essentials to help you relax? Brooklinen has it all. Brooklinen.com is the perfect place to hit refresh in the new year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you use promo code mom, only at brooklinnen.com. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. And hey New Yorkers, if you're listening, you can get the internet's favorite sheets and more in real life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Visit Brooklinen's first store in Brooklyn. Very cool. At 127 Kent Avenue in Williamsburg, Brooklyn and everything you need to live your most comfortable life. I love you, Brooklinen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, sorry, I just have a McDonald's question very quickly. The, the amounts of pickles and everything, that's all regulation, like, do you, you have a number of squirts of ketchup pickle? How many squirts of ketchup on a quarter pounder with cheese? Cause I feel as though it's inferior, it's not enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a monopoly game. You know, I was just thinking though at that FBI thing you were talking about when they take them into the room and they close the door. I feel like I would give off tells even though I wasn't guilty because I feel guilty going through TSA. Maybe there is something, right? Like, I feel guilty no matter what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] McDonald's gave us 2.3 million and we had to give it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a better question, which is why steal million dollar pieces and give them to somebody else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a victim, isn't it a victimless crime? I mean, who are you ripping off? McDonald's, a huge corporation? You're not taking food out of baby mouths.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's so interesting that the deterrent works. So by making an example of the bad guys. So we should be doing this on everything else. Like for theft, we should be rounding up those thieves, cutting their hands off in public, letting everybody see, bringing the kids around. In Saudi Arabia, it works really well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, what about child molesting? I think we should round them up and cut their wieners off in public. That's a good point. Is anybody opposed to that? That would be a good deterrent. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll tell you what, go to at the Christina P and look at my stories. I curate the finest talks in the business. It'll get you a nice leg up on how this app works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think? What do you think of her, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just have to tweet, I have to shave my eyebrows and pencil in a line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what she's saying is, do you know what a gold star lesbian is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's saying to call yourself gold star is essentially misogynistic cause you're, it's heteronormative. You're saying, you're defining it in the patriarchy. And virginity doesn't exist. And virginity doesn't exist. Duh. Gender doesn't exist. None of it exists guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he's done something wrong and he is repenting now to the public. The next video, I believe, is another confessional. Go ahead, cue that up, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Videos? Well not in this era. No. No. I've gotten, uh, music. I've gotten, I've had people writing songs. I had an apology song one time. That was nice. Poems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was a big guy with a huge dong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so Brie Brie, you grew up with a young Tom Saguera. Uhm, was he always a degenerate or did this happen later? Like, how was Tom when he was little?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you're more, you're definitely more sensitive and empathetic towards other people's feelings. And like, yeah, like you're nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll wear these, not for McDonald's, but for you, because of our past relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, we just keep on running into these issues where we say big, naughty words in the first opening thirty seconds of the show and then YouTube doesn't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean he posted it, like someone clearly shot it on their iPhone. I still, like that still came out really weird audio levels, like I had to mix it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll say, Christina, you're really close. Uh, there is a fist in the V-hole, uh, and there's nothing in the B-hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you stay up till two in the morning? No, I told him, hey, can we push this to maybe next week? He's like, get at least a couple. And I'm like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. Because it rolled out a lot of the clips that I thought would have been fun, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so let's see, is that the clip that says 02?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so the clip that, what I've named that clip is super pierced. So if you listen, because she has like 20 piercings on her vag. Okay. So you can hear all of those piercings move as she's getting- That's what the jingling is. Super fisted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when you first see it, you're thinking hemorrhoids. And then you start seeing the action happening, like, oh no, this is something very-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, cause I was in one of the announcements that he made about it. He's not going to physically be at these 300 drive-in theaters all at once on the same night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's performing in one place, it's being broadcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and the next clip is the same thing but two fists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, my poly people, isn't it just the most amazing feeling when...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you get to just soak up all that NRE and knowing that somebody loves your other half as much as you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't it just the most amazing feeling when your partner finds a new girlfriend? A new partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we got it set. I'm resting the camera on, uh, an old ramen noodle cup, episode 3. Uhm, I'm gonna review a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, piss bot- I gotta piss so bad, it hurts so bad. Uh, what ice? Uh, bottle, right here, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was amazing. Alright, so we got, uh, episode three reviewing the Bud, uh, Bud Ice, uh, bottle. Great, it's great. Uh, small hole, right? There's a small hole there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, I would say if you're gonna use a bottle or a can or whatever with a small hole, uhm, it's not necessarily the size of your dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the accuracy relies in the destination of your piss stream. So, you have to be able to get the piss in the hole. It has nothing to do with putting your head in the hole, which I think is a big misconception.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you know what, maybe, maybe my ratings, my future ratings should be based off skill levels. I would say skill level, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two. I would say, yeaah, this is probably like a two or a three. I've pissed in harder, uh, harder holes in this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just got, uh, I just got pissed on the floor. It's alright, we'll use this taco bell bag and we'll fucking wipe her up. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is nostalgia for me, dude. I got mom and stepdad merch from Christmas. Ah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good. It's a good spot. It's a, it's home. It makes me feel home. It makes me feel comfortable. I don't feel uncomfortable pissing in this area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, people that will, uh, intrude on your view of the area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm bored, I want a boyfriend so I can have somebody to talk to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we can go dancing. No, we can't go dancing. No way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm drinking, yeaah. I got my beer right over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't see a problem with that. I'm 35 years old and I'm working my butt off. Yeaah. But, I can't stand these people in here talking about people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I use knives. I've been using the same tired knives for the last, I don't know, four years until Tom brought home Kamikoto knives. And they are so sharp. I cut through a chicken the other day, like it was butter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of their single bevel edge, kamikoto knives can achieve a wickedly sharp edge that you just can't get with other knives. They are so sharp and they only use steel sourced from Japan and each blade is crafted using techniques that have been honed and perfected by generations of knife smiths. I'm telling you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, we've had good knives in our house for many years. These are by far my favorite. They look professional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kami Koto knives are used by several chefs working at Michelin star restaurants so you know they're good. They make an exceptional gift especially because of the wooden box the knives are presented in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and Kamikoto is so confident about their knives that each knife comes with a lifetime guarantee. So if you go ahead and buy now, Kamikoto is offering our listeners an extra 25% off site wide on top of their other discounts. Go to kamikoto.com and use the offer code, your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kami Koto dot com slash your mom. That's K-A-M-I-K-O-T-O dot com slash your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's really struck a chord and touched our lives, this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never do a video instead of a text or phone call. That's what we've learned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ripples, shock waves through the studio today in Studio Jeans. Here we go. Oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, well, first things first, before we get into the content, let's get into the form. Uh, is it a do-rag or a swim cap that he has on? What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so hung up on what's on the head. It looks shiny, so is it like a plastic do-rag or is it a swim cap?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and he's got, we're doing a video now from a different part of his apartment. I like, he's got his stuff in the background. He usually doesn't let us see too much of his collections. It's nice, I like his antiques.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I wasn't aware. I didn't, I didn't know it was the extent of his upset. I really didn't know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's interesting, I'm exempt from this, and I think it's because woman to woman, he, you know what I mean, we're ladies, so we like to, women don't fight that way. I gotcha. No, I'm serious, like it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, why does he not think that Josh, you know what I mean? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and these are antiques that he inherited from his mother, and I, like, as someone that, when my mother passed,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now wait a minute, that's, now that's not fair because we gave him a brand new iPhone, did we not? Brand spanking new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the computer too, Tommy, what we gave him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and I think they look great, and I think Josh looks great, and I think Dr. Drew is very handsome, and I don't think his head is smaller than his body. At all. I think Dr. Drew is very handsome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm afraid to talk to him, I do not like confrontation like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why now? My question is why now? Why is he fired up now? Somebody's been getting into him. Messing with his mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but, but Robert, I sense you're still upset. Hi, it's Christina, and I, is, is it, how did this upset start? What prompted this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let him marinate on it and do a couple more YouTubes. He said he just woke up, it's around 1.30, 1.40 p.m. East Coast time, so he must be up very late doing his stuff and he slept in and uhm, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a special thing. Do you really like that now that people are identifying you as a psychopathic comic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something I heard by the way on my travels? Thank you everybody who came to my shows and uhm, Austin is so amazed. I met so many fans because I'm kind of a personality champ, but I bought at the airport in Austin,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I would never have guessed. Yes. Now, how long ago? Well...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a nice bike, it's got a water canteen. Do you, how many offers do you think he got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had some sketchy roommates. Have you? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a guy roommate one time. I lived with three of my friends and this guy we rented our smallest room out to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he would bring his plates of food into his room, like macaroni and cheese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we put, I forget, maybe like an ad on the campus, you know, back in the day there was no internet, you just put like a boat, a post thing. And he was a student?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would keep the plates of food in his room just for months and not bring them out. He took one time a carton of milk and just left it in his room until it had become curdled. Really wild. And he would just never come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, you never live with drug dealers. That's a bad one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, roommates are always bad news. I mean, unless they're good friends. And in that case, if they are good friends, you won't be friends with them after you're roommates. It destroys your friendships. It's really hard to find somebody good to have a roommate with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ideal roommate is where you're cordial, you keep the common areas clean and you don't have to really talk to them. Yea. Where you feel like you can just go in your room and shut the door and not make chitchat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I wonder why he's not interested in a guy. Even though he specifies, he specifies, he's like, I can get my own date so I don't need you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be my date, but I think he does, because he's not asking for guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm excited. Dang, who's the third cup for? Potter, he wanted to try it. Yahweh? Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. It tastes like a candy bar. It doesn't even have like, a whiskey taste. What the f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. How do they make this? I don't know. What? What's in this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't get over this whiskey. I do not like whiskey. And this is so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's get into it. January 30th through February 1st, I'm in Poston, Texas at the Houston Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, February 14th through 15th. Tampon, Florida at the Tampon. Am I getting my drops?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] February 28th through 29th, Manfriend Disco California at Cobbs Comedy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] March 7th, Pasadena at the Ice House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] March 13th and 14th, Dural, Florida, at the Miami Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Phallus Texas at the Addison Improv. F-A-R-T.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pro third and fourth. Jew dork titties at Caroline's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then June 12th and 13th, Fartnicks, Arizona at Stand Up Live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I've just added San Antonio, Texas, July 9th through 11th at the LOL laugh out loud comedy club. Tickets at Christina P online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are the two most important things in the world to save? Time and money, right? Everybody wants to save time and money. So why are you wasting your time going to the post office when you can use stamps.com instead? Stamps.com brings all the services of the US Postal Service right to your computer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether you're a small office sending invoices, an online seller shipping out products, or even a warehouse sending thousands of packages a day, Stamps.com can handle it all with ease. Simply use your computer


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To print official U.S. Postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail anywhere you want to send.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once your mail is ready, you just hand it to your mail carrier or drop it in a mailbox. It's just that simple. With stamps.com you get five cents off every first class stamp and that's a 40% off priority mail. Come on, not to mention it's a fraction of the cost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of those expensive postage meters. Stamps.com is really a no brainer saving you time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And money, there's no risk. And with my promo code mom, you get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Mom. That's Stamps.com. Promo code Mom. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we find that? Can you Google that? Do you think it exists somewhere?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because what's amazing about your portrayal of that character, oh shoot, there it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what's so fabulous about your portrayal of that character is that you give it...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just enough oomph to be real, but not so much that you can tell that you're a comedian trying to sell it. Cause that's, that's really the key. It's really on the line. Yeah. It's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's made from like, tofu, yea? And fruit, you have fruit, you have fruit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He lost a ton of weight and he was just drinking fruit. I'm sure this is public knowledge. I think he's talked about it. Yeah, yeah. I should hope so. Uh, but anyway, he's drinking a lot of, eating a lot of fruit, fruit, fruit, lost a lot of weight and ended up almost becoming diabetic. No, I think he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that one. I like a sizzler buffet too. Sizzlers are awesome. Yeaah. Malibu chicken. Do you have a favorite food?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll take ten years off your life, but you'll be skinny and you can eat whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can kick off at like, well that's true, yeah, well let me think, let me think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. Imagine if you just liked how you look when you woke up and you're like, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much work going into being devious, you know? Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And how often did you witness fighting with these tools? Uh, maybe


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you owe me, but what do you, what can they, they can't trade in money so what is it like in ramen packages or some shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No kidding. So, so let's say there is a, there are two cellmates and is it out? Are they known homosexuals?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we're almost a month into the new year, and I bet a lot of you have already given up on your new year's resolutions. Uhm, especially if they involve working out. Let's be real. But, just because you haven't gone back to the gym since January 3rd,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't mean you have to wait until next year to get off the couch again. And even though getting started can be tough with a little help from our friends at CBDMD and their amazing topical products.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll be crushing your goals in no time. CBD freeze with menthol offers instant cooling relief for muscles and joints in a convenient and easy to use roller or shareable squeeze tube. My favorite is CBD recover. It combines CBD with inflammation fighting compounds like arnica,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that. Fixed it right up. It was fantastic. I put it on and I got a little massage. It really is. And to make it even easier,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To try any of CBDMD stellar products, they're offering our listeners 25% off your next order when you use the promo code yourmom at checkout. Once again, that's cbdmd.com promo code yourmom for 25% off your purchase of high quality CBD oil products from CBDMD.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause our gangs are more, uh, latin gang members in the actual system, more in California, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and I often say that, that uhm, a lot of the really wealthy people you know are just doing crime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Through the loopholes. It's just, but it's legal crime. I'm saying, the only difference, it's the same kind of a brain, but one just chooses to follow the rules and not go to jail for it and one guy, whatever, whatever the fuck it is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did the drugs get in? What kind of drugs? Is that the big problem?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I heard a rumor that the gentlemen that wear their pants low are inviting butt sex. Is that true?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So basically he's a thirsty bitch, and I don't even-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just a big thirst trap, he just wants to be famous so don't fucking follow him. But here's the weird part, he's very attractive. He's a good looking guy. He's like a model. So he really destroyed his looks doing this I think. But do not follow this bitch anywhere okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so it's when you put, like this, someone will take this original video and then do like a side by side companion to it. So like they might mouth the words at the same time or react to what she's saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but a lot of very popular vein on TikTok is people saying, I'm happily with my boyfriend. Stop DMing me. I'm happily married. Stop trying to get my man. It's just, it's an interesting lane. I like this lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the grattata. Was he on the grom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, turns out Brian has now come out as gay and he's adamantly gay and he loves to brag about, I just sucked this guy's dick, I just hooked up, I'm gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also, I like this guy because he does TikToks about hating his mom. Like he lives with his mom and he's like, my mom doesn't want me to eat this cereal, but I'm gonna. Fuck my mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But why am I intrigued with him? See there's a reason I want to watch him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, the account is LittleChingChing and it's a guy and he's got a little white dog named ChingChing and he says,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Lil Ching Ching, you want to get your hair cut and he's got a similar accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just cute, and this guy like worships the dog, and takes really good care of her. He's like, oh you want no treats? Yeah, press play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's the opposite, yeaah. This fool's married and he's on there trolling for young... chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, I mean, you know, all the, all the factories are over there. Right. So you get everything at a wholesale type of, you know, discount. Everything's like all in, all the factories are within like a block of each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, I felt like if I came back with like Supreme jackets and Yeezys and Air Jordans, like, you know, I feel like everyone needs to drip with me. Yeah, dude. Bringing the homies along. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so they're like, like what? Be more specific. I was like, cat, dog, snake. And they're like, we got a snake place for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so we go to the snake restaurant and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and she, you know, uh, Billy's girlfriend was like, hey, you know, this place has been around for 20 years, which speaks volumes for places in China because the turnover is so quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, so when we go there, uh, like as a joke, I was like, hey, they're gonna let us pick our snake, right? And they're like, I mean, yeah, we could probably ask, like, they'll probably be okay with it. I'm like, oh, this is like a real option. So we go over there and, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then laughed, and like, I don't know what they were saying, but it was with the inflection of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they take us to the back and, uh, actually if you go on my, if you go on my Instagram, you can see the video. Uhm, so there was, they take us to the back and immediately there's just a room, maybe as big as the set, just lined with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Snake cages. And snakes in there. And at first you're like, oh okay, so these are like weird, like these are snakes that are definitely safe to eat. What did it smell like? And then you see a cobra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Devenomize, right? Like if they're spitting out, they're not spitting venom. And then she's like, I don't understand the question. And then she asked them, and like, I just see shoulders from everyone. I'm like, okay, let's get out of this room, because all of these snakes are spitting poison.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's a lot for, for, you know, we were, we were just going for a small type of snake meal, you know.


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[Assistant] Like, I mean, I don't want to sound like what everyone says, but it tastes like chicken. Like, if you've had frog legs, it's kinda like that. Like, you have to eat around a lot of bones and stuff. But we had it served up two ways. One, because there was a lot of snake to go around. And it's half the price of, uh, of the king cobra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yeaah, there was, like, being in mainland China and not speaking the language was the first time I've ever felt like a foreigner in my life.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean like, you know, he's seven years. Yeah, he's gonna, he's gonna be there for an extra minute. Like I think he's trying to be there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, I think I found out at the snake restaurant that they do not have the same toilets as us. Yea, what do they have? They have holes in the ground. No. And I don't. I don't do that shit. I don't, I've never been a squatter. I don't know how to, like, do a Slavic squat, but everyone does it over there. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, these toilets, these Chinese mainland toilets were not built for my American butt. No. None. Every time I took a shit over there, never did it touch the water. It was always on the back.


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[Assistant] Of the porcelain wall of the toilet wall. And then hopefully, you know, the water, the water, the flushes are more powerful in China, I would say.


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[Assistant] I mean, my first shit, uh, off the plane in China was that. I thought it came out like, oh, that was diarrhea for sure. And you turn around and you're like, oh my god, it like folded over on itself twice? Like, it was a good- So proud of you. So proud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I know, uh, when I would go to Israel most summers, like my grandparents had Filipino, like live in, maid, housekeeper.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's like the working class, uh, or the serving class, also Ethiopians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, uhm, I mean, you know, stick to what I know. I know Filipinos are really nice. Any type of Spanish, trust them. But I've never, whenever I go to a hotel, I think I learned this from my dad, uhm, just always have do not disturb on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I mean, for long stays it gets a little foul. I mean, actually, in China, uh, in China,


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[Assistant] Whenever we stayed in hotels, we would always put on the do not disturb just because it's like, I don't want people going through my shit. Yeah. And they called us and they're like, hey, no one's cleaned that room in 48 hours. Do you want us to send someone up to do it? And we're like, no, we're good. Are you sure?


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[Assistant] Didn't understand it. And what city were you in? Uh, that happened in Hong Kong.


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[Assistant] It's just so night, like you go in there, it's a little like stall in the mall, and you know, at first they're like, oh, who told you about this place?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, oh, you know, Tom Segura told me about that. Like, oh, Tom Segura!


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[Assistant] At first I was like, I don't know if they actually remember him or not. Yeah, yeah. But then they were like, oh yeah, he was over here with two other comm- like they were explaining, uhm, uh, I need you to kill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm like, oh, that's when he was in Hong Kong. And they're like, oh, okay, they definitely do remember him.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and they just gave VIP treatment after I dropped your name. Nice, man. Yeah, they hooked my buddy Billy up with a free shirt. Did they give you a beer? They did, yeah. Yeah, that's so nice. They're just like, do you want something to drink? I'm like, oh yeah, do you guys have, uh, look, I'll take a Diet Coke or cold water, and then they open the fridge. I'm like, I'll take that beer that's in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well, I fake a work call. And I just- You fake a work call? And I just say I need to go into the office no matter what time it is. Do you really do that? I've done that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This isn't like a bit. No, it's from Barcroft. Everything that I've gotten from them has always been real stuff.


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[Assistant] Right, of the dude that said, it's not sexual, this is just something that we do to pass the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this dude also has a tattoo on his chest. That says Daddy Dom little girl. Like, I think it's DD, er, yea, DD, uh. LG. LG. Tattooed on his chest. Woah. Oh, it really is.


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[Assistant] Uhm, we don't have those yet, but since we're a week ahead we'll just do those all next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now I'd say, just say thanks, Jeans, so we can either go to a song or to a guest segment.


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[Assistant] Let's cut from the chase here. Women should clean up. Not only should women clean up, women should clean up unprompted. And I'm gonna tell you why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We live in a world where things need to be fair. 50-50. Gender equality. Blah blah. I pay for things unprompted. You don't have to ask me to pay for shit. If we go for dinner, I'll get my will out, pay at the end. Don't even check the price of the bill. My card always works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you only drink sparkling water, you only drink rich man's water. I explained this to someone, some bumbacla, and of course he replied with the typical, but I don't like sparkling. You don't like sparkling water? You don't like water?


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[Assistant] Hello, this is Michael Jackson. Aw. Yes, yes I did. I went over and met her to jealous with Macaulay Culkin, but she had this earfan guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over here, the Slumdog Millionaire actor, he was making me jealous doing Jim Carrey impersonations for her. He's flirting with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and plus, plus, I don't like her touching me. You know, she kisses on me and stuff. It's not my thing. I love her, but I'd rather be doing touching and then chasing after her.


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[Assistant] That's how I feel. I'm sorry we broke up, but it's better this way for me and better for her. She gets to do her work. So bye.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna take her there. I know she'll be alright.


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[Assistant] Well they go from like great to terrible, like immediately, uh, based on the text.


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[Assistant] You know, we talked about it and we just decided, you know, I'm not as huge of a fan of burritos as you are, and we at least had common ground with apple pies. Stick to what you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're here now at McDonald's. To answer your question about like what makes something worth pursuing as a documentary, we...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We saw this as, you know, not only it was character and story, like if the story is just a surface like, oh, the FBI cracked the case, you know, phone calls, they did an undercover operation and that was it. Like maybe that would be an interesting short or maybe that would make a good, you know, short story or you could build a whole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was definitely before physical, like we actually shot anything. So we got a lot of the court transcripts. So we had a general idea of the overall story, but there was a lot of confusion. Like in reading through transcripts, you kind of, you're getting pieces of the details.


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[Assistant] One of the first things he told us was about the story.


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[Assistant] He picks him up from the airport, drives him personally to the FBI


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[Assistant] And like, and we were asking, and this is not really covered too much actually in the series, but we, you know, we were asking the FBI and Mark Dever, like, why would you tease them? Like, why would you have them show up? Not say, like, they're talking about the weather, like, what are we doing here? And Mark's like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he brings him into the FBI. Rick Dent greets them.


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[Assistant] And they take them through what is called a man trap at the FBI, which is basically you enter into one room and all the doors shut behind you and you need someone from the FBI to like punch in another code to open another door for you to enter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so all of this is being dragged out and you know, we were asking like the FBI, like, what is the point of this?


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[Assistant] And they're, they were saying how it's part of the strategy to actually see if any of these people get rattled. Yeah, because like it, you know, if they were guilty, they would give off signs. Like they would start sweating because they would know why they're there. Right. Right.


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[Assistant] And so it was all built into this, like, built into this set.


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[Assistant] Uh, experiment and it was kind of risky to ride that line of humor and seriousness. Like even when we were pitching, we, we told, you know, HBO, this is, there's a lot of humor here. And I, you know, they were definitely an incredible network and partner to have, you know, throughout, but there was definitely that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, how is this gonna be funny? Right. You know, and until they saw it, until they realized, like, oh my gosh, like,


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[Assistant] Well, so the game started in 1987, sorry, 1987, and 1989 was the first winner who we could find, who was Marvin Braun, who claimed a piece illegitimately with Jerry Jacobson. So from 1987 until 2001.


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[Assistant] There's, there's kind of this grey area somewhere in between.


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[Assistant] But at the same time there are people who could have won in that time who were completely legitimate. There's no way of knowing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but uh, but yes, you know, in this case, often times with white collar cases when you, whether you plea or you're found guilty, like you're- You gotta give that money back. You gotta give that money back. Now what happens-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they, sometimes they negotiate it down, so it's like in, in, uh, in every case they, for this, they negotiated it down, but you're potentially, it's sort of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the maximum sentencing for fraud in this case is like five years in prison. So like they could, you could be on the hook for the full amount. Uh, it just depends on how cooperative you were that they're willing to work a deal. But it's the idea that we, I think when we were talking to Devereux, it's really designed to be a deterrent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if, right, like a lot of people in white collar cases don't go to prison for a long period of time, but you are financially screwed for the rest of your life. And this is one way to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, think about too, this was in the 90s, right? And prior to 9-11, I think we all saw our lives in this country a little bit different. We were far less skeptical than we are today. Just the information, super age that we're in, we just, we're privy to so much more than we were back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, yea, if a friend or family member came to you with the opportunity to win a million dollars, and all you had to do was say, you're the one who claimed, you're the one who peeled this off a game piece. Like, no one's looking at those games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oftentimes if you think of this, when we were talking about this story, it's like, oh, a syndicate, right? All these people involved with the conspiracy, over 50 people were involved across 23 states. So that's, that's a large amount of people and you have to consider that that was like an enterprise, like some sophisticated, intelligent


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. And, you know, phenomenal character, you know, and joined us for our last podcast. He, you know, he was responsible for 10 million dollar winners. Wow. Right, but he didn't know that Jerry was doing any other tickets with anybody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course it's boring, but it's also, you're talking about stealing money from corporations, from businesses, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, uh, uh, you know, the tax implication of what that means to steal and across state lines, there's nobody else who can actually stop somebody in that kind of case. So how do you deter people from committing fraud, even like medical fraud with, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So fraud is, fraud is a big deal. And if you just like turn your back to it, you know. It gets rampant. Exactly. More and more fraud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the deterrent supposedly does not work for drug dealing in the US.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anybody oppose that? That would be a good deterrent. Yeaah. You know, at least for some.


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[Assistant] It's very well. You know, heteronormative is a new term I've never heard of before.


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[Assistant] So, like, of course, you know, I click on it because it comes from you, and...


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[Assistant] But I'm definitely not thinking that it's a gag. And it, you know, it was...


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[Assistant] Coming, yeaah, coming from a, I mean, for me it's coming from my cousin, you, but it's, you know, comedy comes in many forms. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Tom had, had always liked to make fun of people. Yeaah. Like, even since we were kids, and we would be sitting across from each other, and he's just like, you know, look at that idiot who just walked in the door, but he would use other adjectives and, you know, descriptors, and I'm like, Tom, like, that guy can hear you, and he was like, I don't get it.


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[Assistant] Like and he, it was almost like you wanted to get beat up.


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[Assistant] But he never did, and I think also in high school he would do this, and because Tom was so big...


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[Assistant] And so my mom is Tom, is Chado's sister. Right. And they are, they're fart buddies. Oh my god. Like they are...


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[Assistant] And she, and she thinks that they're silent. Like nobody can hear them. How did you know? Yeah. Yeah. She doesn't hear them. Yeah. And, uh, she also has no control. Like she doesn't know, like they just happened. It's like, Oh, I, I couldn't stop that from happening.


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[Assistant] The two of them together are like, I mean they are inseparable and they think alike, they talk alike.


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[Assistant] I mean they fart all day long. They fart a lot. They both fart like that level, all the time. Wait, I've not heard Blanca fart like this. The smell though, that's the thing too, like you can't pick that up in a video, like I'm sure you were gagging at the same time that you were laughing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you, I mean, you, you grew up with, with me. You remember this. So my dad won the Ohio lottery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and so growing up there was always that like, don't ever talk to anybody about it. Don't tell people at school that this happened. And you know, he started his business like building products and he never went to college. So this was like his opportunity to actually apply some of that money towards his future.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we, we didn't really have like a fancy house. I know that we did a fancy vacation every year and you would come along with us. But I don't know if you even know this story, but uhm, within a year of my dad winning, one of his friends came up to him and said, hey, like, let me shake your hand. I want some of that luck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so my dad shook his hand and that week, that guy won $9 million in the lottery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't, didn't he win some other? He won the lottery again. He won like 125,000. What? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so as far as like growing up, obviously like one of the luckiest people, I think I, I mean personally, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that degree of luck, I think plays very much into, I mean, yeaah, it's definitely not something we've, uh, I think talked about, uh, you know, we've talked about it ourselves, but not like publicly or anything. The idea that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you could be that lucky, right? And, and win something. Obviously like, I think like all the time, is that


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[Assistant] Do you, do you think you have that? Not really, not, so I don't like gambling. Yeah, Brian's a big gambler. Huge, he's in Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yes, so I've, I've definitely, like the, uh, what is the, uh, the Special Olympics, you know, win the house raffle. I've done that a couple years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never, obviously I didn't get anything, and like, the odds of at least winning something, even if it's like a notepad, uh, are pretty good, and I haven't even won that, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't really think of it as like, yeah, maybe one day I'll have a chance. I actually stopped playing the lottery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although, you know, occasionally, like, my mother-in-law, she plays, like, the same week, the same numbers every week, very religious about it. She says, like, it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. She plays it every week? Every week, same numbers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, we'll see if that ever happens, but uh, the chances are, you know, it's pretty small. But yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but the thing is like we all have that in us in some way. The ability to win the lottery? Well, just like the desire to win something from nothing or for a dollar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nothing else in life where you could spend a dollar and walk away with like a hundred million dollars.


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[Assistant] We were, we were on vacation and there was like this big dinner bingo thing and then uhm, we were on a family vacation with my dad and my wife, Iris, played bingo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Did you guys make her chop it up? Yeah. You're like, where's my cut? Let's go. Actually. Yes. Actually we did. No. Well, no, we, we, we didn't make her chop it up. Uh, but you know, there was a sense of obligation because I think my, my parents had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wanted to divvy it up, give them a little bit. And also at the time, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were practicing material, I remember one time in Florida, we were, we went to like a Denny's in the middle of the night, and we were with, I think your friend Ramon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that, was that it? Alright, and so we walk in and just out of the blue, like, I think we're, you know, trying to get a table and you're like, well, do you know, you know who that guy is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the server, do you remember the story? The server, the host at the time was like, no, he's like, oh, he's, he's famous.


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[Assistant] And like, like I couldn't keep a straight face cause, and you, you know, you did it so straight, and this was well before you were...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but, like, I guess, that was, you know, that was harmless. You know, it was nice. You were also trying to do something nice for your friend, make him feel special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what we do on the show. I don't remember this, but Tom apparently was like really shy. Really? Yeah, so we, well, early, early on,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, we did have, we did live next door to each other for many years, but I think before we were two or three, we didn't, we lived like 10 minutes away from each other. And when I moved next door to him and we were like three and a half or four years old,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the podcast has evolved a little bit because what we always looked at it as, you know, this was where we could play our deleted scenes that didn't make the show. We could dive deeper into some of the interviews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. And, you know, we were very fortunate in, you know, to make this series as unknown directors prior to this, uh, without a track record of directing a feature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unrealistic ideas, which is Mark Wahlberg, Steven Levinson, and Archie. Like, to their credit, when we teamed up with them to go out to HBO, like, this was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've had their support and HBO support for the series and then the podcast was, was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not only designed to like, be a place for all these extra things, but, but really, it's kind of evolved more into the character study of some of these people, because you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Characters are what we feel make, you know, stories interesting. Sure. Right? Like, you can have an interesting story, but if you have a dull character, like, no one's gonna watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's only so much time that we could fit into.


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[Assistant] After next week, which is the finale episode, episode six, uh, there'll be an episode six podcast, but, um, we've been talking about doing a bonus episode, uh, podcast episode, uh, with a very special


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, because, you know, James and I, you know, we had never done this before, the, you know, the podcast world and, you know, we can talk, you know, I know you don't like to admit how, how green we were in, in doing this, but, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you know, this was, you know, a bit of an experiment for us and we didn't know if people would actually want to listen to it or like it, but it's hard for us to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't talk to each other all the time, and we- Yea, cause we don't talk to each other like, Brian, so how do you feel about getting lunch right now? Yeaah. You know. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We also, we always wanted, uhm, somebody who could come on and, and be an outside voice, outside perspective, uh, to, you know, if not host the entire podcast series, uhm, at least to do the bonus episode and, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a phenomenal guest, uhm, who is actually going to host. Do you know who it is, Christina? No. You don't? A bonus episode?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would take a picture of Carol and take her head and put it on the body of a man in a diaper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's this picture of this gooey thing, and it says, Smile, everyone. Life could be worse. You could have a crotch like Carol does. I believe they had just slaughtered a horse. And this is the horse's penis that he's holding. And it says, Hey Howard, suck my Captain Morgan, lol. And by the way, that is a penis. A horse penis. That was my recollection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's one of those things where they think that they get promised that like, oh yeah, you'll be a member of the gang once we all fuck you. And then it's like, yeah, that's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm into it. Yea. I dated all of them though. All the ones that I wanted to, you know? I feel...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, they're really disappointing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of them, all of them. Every guy I've dated, and I've dated a lot of non-comics recently too, but every guy that I get excited about, oh my god, I have, and I, I wait to get excited, you know? I, I don't, I try not to, I've just gotten my hopes up so many times before that I don't get them up unless I really feel like it's gonna happen. About love?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They freak out and they stop talking to me.


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[Assistant] They like me too much, and it scares them, and they think they'll have to marry me. If they date me, like it might-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a great, um, system that I have going, but I subconsciously do it because I'll be like, ah, I'm ready for something and I choose people that are very unavailable. And, um, and I also get to a place with men where I feel like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just get them started on the path of thinking about that. Like I'll ask them questions. I could be a therapist. I truly believe that. I get things out of people that I just, that they don't even plan on telling me a lot of times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I gotta stop that with men. I gotta stop psychoanalyzing men. I have to just let them be and let them find help their own way. But I think that I get men to open up emotionally. They'll cry to me about something. They'll share something that they've never told anyone. And then the next morning I think they kind of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about it and they're like, oh no, she knows that thing. I have to like. I gotta get away. I gotta get away. That's what one guy said was the reason, was that he revealed too much. I'd seen a vulnerable side of him that he was like, she can never, I don't want anyone to ever see that. And, and so that's why I ghosted her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I had this thing with a guy, a similar thing Josh, where he would ref- he never wanted to come. Like he just- we would be having sex, we would be doing stuff, I would fake a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and all, I mean I'm the same way, like for me to come with someone like, it's gonna look weirder than the one that I'm faking, it's gonna be, I might fart or shit or something, I don't know what's gonna happen if I come. If I really let myself go, oh no, what will I look like? Sounds. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When uhm, there was this one guy that just never wanted to come, ever. And it would be really frustrating for me and he would be about to come and then uhm, and just be like, please stop touching me, please, please stop. Later, later. And it would always be later and then later would never happen. And then I talked to my therapist at the time about it and she said that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men have this thing where if they come for a woman, they feel like they then owe them. They need to stick around. It's like, now we're locked into this thing. And then, and that was always like, mm, okay, maybe that's a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Done. Done here. Don't even need to do anything else with this person. When rats, when they, they were giving an example of rats, when rats, uhm, they, they inject all the female rats with the hormone that makes them down to fuck, and then they put them in a cage with a male, and the men will,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come in them and then uhm, and then get tired and pass out in the corner. And the women are still like, come on, let's do it. And the guy's like, no thank you. Put in a new female rat right after the male rat said no thank you to the one he just fucked. He's down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What this book I think is getting at is that most sex should not end in orgasm if you want a prolonged, um, uh, intimate relationship where you don't feel like you want to hit the road. So it's not, it's, I think it's tying into all this like tantric. Oh fuck all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And you know what, Tom? This guy I had dated him, uh, twice before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] or once before and then this time again and both times same kind of thing that was happening where he was like didn't want to and then finally he did and rrrrright after he did holding literally hold and I didn't sleep with this guy until he was my boyfriend both times because I knew I was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] None. Yeah, yeah, I don't think so. So, yeah, and then we had sex. He's my boyfriend. Finally, like, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, it was a, ugh, I gave up a lot to go be his girlfriend. And I was like, this is my new life. And I don't blame him because he can't help how he feels, but right after he came, he's holding me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And even at this time, he's holding me and he's just like, I'm freaking out and I feel like I owe you and I feel like I need it. And I go, you don't owe me anything. Meanwhile, I'm like, yeah, you're my boyfriend now. You kind of owe me something. Like that's the deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, and then it went to just not calling me as much and like after that, that was the last first and last time we had both times we were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Together, we had sex like one or two times. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and it's not, it's, and I don't even have that many good ones, like I was coming in here today being like, what do I have to talk about? I am so closed off from any kind of hookup situation because I've just been hurt so many times, whereas like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so that was my rule. I was sleeping with my ex-boyfriend for like two years, but I was like, we're not getting back together, I can safely do that. But I realized I wasn't really open to anyone else as long as he was like, in my vagina, off and on, and so I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A stop to that, open myself up to other people, which has been really good. Uhm, and then I thought I could like blow someone and not get attached, cause it's not my vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they, it just, it just hurts, it hurts my feelings so much when someone, even if I don't want to be with them, when they have rejected me after I've sucked your penis, I didn't want to do that. I was doing that to be nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no. Here's the thing, they drop off entirely afterwards, and that is rude. And I understand why they do it, I don't think men who-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like guys freak out the next day after they hook up with a girl. There's all this build up and they get you to a place where you're comfortable enough and you think this is a nice guy. You suck his dick. And the next day...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't, he's not watching your Instagram story. He's not liking your stuff. He's just like disappeared. Like it's, you feel it. You feel it on social media. You feel it when they're not texting you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and they do it because they're like, I don't want to be her boyfriend and I don't want to lead her on. So they're doing it. It's like the Patrice thing. Like, we cheat on you for you. It's like, they do this mean thing to protect you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hooking up, I don't get off generally from like these random hookups because I just, I'm not comfortable enough, I feel insecure telling a guy what I really want and need and I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've used too many vibrators that if you don't have one, it's like, I, I really need one. I need the assistant. It's not any fault of your own. It's just. Right. So I'm not going to come, what am I getting out of this then? What's the point of me sucking your dick? I did, I did blow this guy because I just felt like I needed to practice. Cause, oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I did a good job. I think I did a really great job. I was proud of myself because I'm not confident in my blow jobs and I was like, I think I did a good job. But uhm, this guy, I had shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he came to, uh, I think I had one show that night, but then I spent all day with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Afterwards, we go, we hang out so late and I'm like, just let's go to your hotel room. So we finally get to his hotel room at one in the morning. I have a three AM pickup for a five AM flight and I got to go back to my hotel after this. So I'm like, let's get this going. We go into his hotel room and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He takes off his clothes, down to his boxers, gets in bed. I'm, I'm literally standing there with my purse and I go, okay, I guess I'm getting in bed. I get in bed, no, I do not take off my clothes. I just get in bed cause I'm like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel so ridiculous. At this point, I am furious and I don't even like him anymore. I'm just like, this guy is fumbling this so hard. I'm laying in bed next to him for 40 minutes talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, are you gonna- Make a move? I can't say it because he needs- I'm doing this new thing of like, guys need to make every move with me. I'm not moving an inch, it's enough that I show up and that I'm gonna be feminine, I'm gonna be open to receiving, but I can't come after you anymore. It just does not work for me. I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's fucked, Christina, because we are so empowered as women now with the women's movement to get what you want. I can have anything. I'm an empowered American woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would really like if you touched me. That's what I had to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know that you're wrong, but he finally, he goes, you think that's a good idea? And I go, what? What is, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he goes, he said something about me too, and I'm like, are you joking me right now? I'm in your bed. I was just, I was so angry. I hated him in this moment. I was like, I don't even want to hook up with this person anymore, but I've worked so hard to get to this moment. I gotta get something out of this. I gotta get a story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, so we started, he finally starts kissing me. It's going well and I'm like, you haven't like been hooking up and you've given it so much thought and you're like, God, if I could only kiss him and I've like masturbated to like the idea of it and then it's happening and you're like, this is it, like, this is it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's happen- it almost happens every time. My last makeout I was like, Nikki don't do that again. Be present. And I really was able to be present and like I had a good time. But most of the time I'm just like, this is it. So me and this guy are making out. I'm pissed at him. I already have a bunch of stuff from our past that is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is all drudging up of me being like, fuck this guy. He gets to fucking make out with me. I can't. And then, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he is like, just put like, and I'm like, we're not gonna do anything else. I was wanting them to maybe go down on me, but then again, I was like, I'll just have to fake a bunch of orgasms. And like, I don't really feel like that. And I'm also like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just didn't see- unless you wanna go down on me, I'm not gonna make you. It just doesn't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm just, that night I wasn't confident in my job and I was like, I need to get this guy off so I can go home. And so uhm, so yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always like more aggressive than you think that it would be. Like, I always feel like dicks are so gentle and delicate, but they're not. No. Cause I think you just grow up as a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It will like cause them, so I'm very like gentle and now I realize like no. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like to get fracked, I know. Are you on anti-depressants, is that why? No, but I still need it hard because I think I've just like, I think I've ruined myself with this, uh, what's it called? Hitachi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, is his penis gonna be used in this? No, no. Does he use toys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, being told good girl, uhm, being forced to have orgasms and the guy's not, uhm, their dick is nowhere near them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if I could just close my eyes and disassociate and not hear him put on some noise-canceling headphones, I might do that. I might be down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was one woman at first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just feel bad for these guys. They just, all they want is pussy. And they just, they don't know how to get it. This is such a cry for help. It's like they're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that guy's not well. No, he just has never, no, he's never been kissed. I just feel for these, for these guys. They just, they never got it together enough to get a prostitute and just get it over with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kato Kaelin looks terrible. Uhm, okay, wait a second. I like the daddy stuff. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm just being very open-minded here, and he has some stuff that I'm into, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't like pursuing men on the, like, I don't want to go to like a kink dot org or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I mean, all of this is very scary to me because it seems like, oh, that could be something, so. What about your, uh- But yeaah, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I didn't report it only because there is a 20% chance that it wasn't that. Cause I didn't see skin, I didn't see the penis, I didn't see, I didn't have confirmation so I can't ruin a guy's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Career. Sure. On, with that 20% chance. So I gave him one star. But it was uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, now I'm gonna murder you cause you saw my sneaky habit and now I'm gonna lose my job so I'm gonna murder you cause obviously I'm deranged, why would I be jerking off while driving a passenger anyway? They're not mentally well so I just got out of the car and was just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had to go and get a spray tan and stand naked in front of this girl and she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, are you nervous about the rose? And I go, no, I'm just thinking about how my Uber driver was just masturbating. She's like, Oh my God, I would have told him stop. And I was just like, Oh God, this is what I need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just, yeaah. It really bothered me the rest of the time. Like, you think those things are just like, oh, whatever. If it happens to me, I just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are like, you have to report it because it protects other women and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, you know, I go, why is this woman confronting him even? How does she, how is she brave enough to do that? This guy would have to get a lot of things together to attack the woman. He'd have to take the thing out of his ass, he'd have to pull the thing off his head. He'd have to put his shoe on. He'd have to put his leg on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he's got one shoe there on the floor. Oh my god. Uhm, this is so sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but someone stitched it up real nice. I mean, he's only in the hospital and people cared for him at one point. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That grip on that handle is so strong and confident, it looks like laser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, not, haven't yet, uh, it would require you to have like a blue check mark, or at least have your account be un-private so I can look and see if you're hot or not. I can't tell by your little tiny picture, so what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just go, what are you- No! Never!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, and I'm always very polite when I do respond. Most of the time I just ignore it and don't say anything back because you don't need to, but when it's something


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they're vulnerable and they're actually, yeaah, I'm like, oh, I'm touched, but a lot of times I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you think I was gonna move to Omaha and we're gonna have like a relate? Like I just don't understand. I think that is what he thinks. I just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other men don't understand who you are, and they go, no you don't, you just listen, you don't know me, and trying to access me on that kind of level where it's like, you're misunderstood, I really listen to what you have to say, it just, it disgusts me. And, and, and I, yeah, I just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so beautiful, well then why do you think I would date you? If I'm as beautiful as you think I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know what I am, I don't demand, like, I don't need the hottest guy in the world, but these guys are real, you know, like the guys that you were just pitching to me, men like that, really think that they have a shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love for men who, I would love more men to be as brazen and ask girls out. They don't do it anymore. And I appreciate what it has done. And when I turn it down, I'm always very nice. And just like, I'm just not dating right now or I'm seeing someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was, I was on Instagram and I just saw some, someone I follow, who I'm not even friends with, this guy in their picture was like super hot and I was just like, who's this guy? Like, what actor is that? Went to his profile and he's following me. I'm just like, who, how on earth is this hunk following me? And I look and he's like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a fan of a show that I was on, that I had an appearance on last year and I was like, I could tell by his post that he was a fan of the show and I go, oh I bet it was that appearance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so uhm, I followed him. I'm like, he'll see it. And I'm just waiting for him to DM me. Cause now we're both following each other. He clearly doesn't see it and I'm just waiting. I'm like, I can't reach out to him. I don't want to be the initiator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gotta notice me. I'm waiting for him to post so I can like something and just get his attention. I don't even think he knows I'm following him. And then I look and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I responded, like, hey, I just saw this nine months later and it made my day. And he was like, glad you got it. And I was like, damn it, I missed. He's like, he's gotta have a girlfriend now. Right. Motherfuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I can't do anything. You know, that's the problem with these guys, I get so close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I feel like it's happening and then I, I wait for them to keep it going and if they don't, it just falls because I will not do anything. I will not pursue at all anymore. At all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nikki didn't, like, there's this one guy that I had a crush on and, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we would, we would be, we would be on the same show all night long. Like we would have like three sets together on a Saturday night. And I'm like, I can't fucking wait for tonight because I'm going to be at the club all night in between sets. We'll be hanging out. Oh my God. Flirt, flirt, flirt. Make out like in the, we'll go across around the corner and make out. It'll be so fun. I'd get dressed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they want to protect themselves because they want to be able to say that about the guys that don't call them back. Exactly, exactly. All of my friends, it's the same thing. He, you know, but he's, his family's in town this weekend. Uhm, he, he just, I think he's really depressed right now. I mean, it's just, the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The amount of excuses, I just don't, there's no excuse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeah, because, then that gives, if someone like you, who knows what she likes, sticks to what she likes, and knows what she doesn't like, likes you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I want, I need to like have my agent set me up. Like, I think like, it's someone in the biz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the attachment style where you're like secure? You're just, you were secure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, SiriusXM, yes, 95 every morning, Monday through Thursday, uh, 10 to 12, uh, uh, Eastern.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, thank you, we'll see, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, yeah, some other stuff in the, in the, in the works. It's going to be a big, it's going to be a busy year. I'm going to have a theater tour in the new year and finally out of the clubs for a bit until I, until the career takes another.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dive and I'll be back in. Thank you. It's nice. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'll come out probably a few months later. Do we know who else is in it? Um, yeaah, Donnell Rawlings, um, uh, Adrian Alapaloochi, um, Jim Norton, uh, Bobby Kelly, and one more. Yeah, it's gonna be Ms. Pat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The day Travis came to the park, he looked like, just a little innocent person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't weird to share Joe with another guy because Joe had tried for many years to bring other people in and one day Joe asked me if Travis could be in a relationship with us too and I wasn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't really know any better. I didn't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your record on doing this? I mean, probably the record for me is like two a day in a day. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up there, chomo? But not by talking like that. Well, you know what? You're fired, bud. No I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, you work here? I said, uh, yeaah. He said, uh, you just chillin' cause I was outside. I was like, uh, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, well you workin' right now? I said, yeaah. He talkin' bout I give you $100 to be in my car and ride with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ready? I'm tired from this feed. Okay, this is the last one. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my comments that I need to ask you all about, so, um, like, VSCO girl? I don't know if that's VSCO girl, or VSCO girl, or sksksks? I have no idea what the hell that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I told, I don't remember, you said you were doing something with a Wu-Ting member? Yeah, yeah. And, uh, so I said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, man, you're like, you're so black, dude. Like, you're like a, like a, a black dude, a low-key black dude. Black on the inside, white on the outside. And I feel like you're even blacker than me. That's what you said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still don't know what happened, but all I know is that I don't trust anybody in that venue at all. Like even the first thing, I mean I guess I don't want to spoil it for anybody, but that first thing where you walk through the door, you gotta say something. Yeah. Yeah. I don't trust it. What do you think it is? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not only did he say it was fine, he said he admired my resolve for doing it. You didn't jump once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It, I mean, I went over it with, uh, with Drew and it was, uhm, there was no, there's no trauma, it's really just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could just not do it. That's it. Maybe we should just never do it, you know? And then, yea. Kinda just pushed it. And when I was a kid, I did hold it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's just that I don't, I don't remember the last time I went on purpose, you know, it's like, wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start training. I'm, I'm down to talk to that dude or whatever though, the, I gassed or you said a big word that I don't know. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have? Uh, I didn't, like, look for it, but it happened, and I, uh, I don't know, I just went with it, went with the flow. Wait, is this a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what she's into. It was pretty quick, like, I think we made the joke about, like, haha, like, I bet you're into that daddy shit, and she started calling me that ironically, and then there was just enough times where I'm like, this isn't ironic, is it? Like, you're into this, huh? So did you have to roleplay then? That's what it led to? Uhm, it didn't go this far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it just name stuff then? I'm just trying to understand. Yeah, it's names and it's like, I don't know, they, they, yeah, they want to be treated like kids, just not little toddler babies. But kids, like younger, you know, so I'm treating them like a dad would treat their daughter. I really don't like this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't, I wouldn't go that far. If I was into this, then yes, we would go. How far would you go? What would you do? I just did, you know, the daddy princess shit. Oh, like come on princess, let's go? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, stuff like that. You give them headpats and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think she went to the top. I think there's severity levels of it. She was more, just little, you know? It's little. Smaller than she was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't like the bitches who ask for money. Bunch of cunts. Gold diggers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it gets men in my business. Who, you realize this, I don't care about being gay. And I never will be. Anyone who is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna need to find someone else because I already have a girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, over at East Coast Later Tattoo Removal in Richmond, Virginia. Let's have a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Starring alongside Mark Wahlberg and Rose Byrne in Instant Family. Alright, you share the screen with Mark, well, Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, you got it. I got it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is your mom's house. Thank you for joining us. This episode of your mom's house is brought to you by Vincero watches. Oh, a quality wristwatch is one of those small.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that helps you look better, feel better whenever you go out exclusively for our listeners. Vincero is offering an extra 15% off their already affordable watches. Go to Vincero watches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have six collections for men, four for women. Each watch is handcrafted. All watch straps are interchangeable, gives you the freedom to move things around, uh, change the look. Vincero offers free worldwide shipping. So make sure you go to get 15% off. Go to vincerowatches.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] v-i-n-c-e-r-o-watches.com Use the code HOUSE, h-o-u-s-e. Check that out. What time is it? Oh, it's game time. Thanks, Lucero. Farts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's John Mackie is his name. He's a Hall of Fame tight end from the Baltimore Colts. And he has advanced dementia and CTE. And uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's hilarious. No, it's funny, it's one of the early real sports, like they've done a ton of profiles now. This is like back when they were like, is it possible that playing professional football might affect your head? And like that question, people were like, there's no way. And then they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's 8 guys that played in the NFL in the 60s, and uh, they eat through a straw. And then they interviewed these guys, and John Mackie was there, he had sunglasses on, he had like a cowboy hat on. It's sad, right? He's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking around the room, and his wife was like, yeah, it's, you know, it's pretty terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so she has to occupy his mind. This is the story of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she goes, I have to occupy his mind because he's always like, are we ready to go? Like, are we ready to go? You know, they're just sitting in the kitchen or something. And she's like, well, she made up a mechanic, a mechanic named Randy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's working on the car. So what'll happen is, by telling him that, that'll placate him for, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, Randy's working on the car. So it's gotta be, and then he'll, he'll just kinda be quiet then for maybe another 20, 30 minutes. And then he'll be like, ready to go? And she'll go, Randy's gotta fix the car. And he's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be a really fucked up thing to do to an older man. Like if you hate, if you really resent your husband or your father and you know he's a die hard sports fan, I think a fun way to fuck with him as he's dying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would be to constantly put on clothes of the team that he hates. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best. Yeah, I know. Fuck. Uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, like, doesn't, doesn't the prison, like, I always, it made sense to me that people would steal or sneak phones into, uh, prison cause they'd go, you know, someone could sneak in a phone and the guy's able to talk, right? Sure. He's able to call people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if he posts to social media, it aren't like the CO and the warden like, Hey, you know, Carlos in D block?


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[Assistant] I like that. I actually really like that because that'd be something you'd be thinking about a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But food? Food's like a bigger priority, huh?


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[Assistant] He said he wore it once, and he's like, I might just give you that shit, but I'm never gonna wear it again. I love him so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he also, I'm pretty sure if I remember right, he made the distinction that he was in jail and not prison. Yes. Because that's a big, big difference, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually read this thing on Vice about the absolute, I think it's ADX. It's the most super max prison in America. Where is it? I think it's in Colorado. Really? Uhm, I think it's called ADX prison. Uhm, it's where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's where, yea, America's, this is it, man. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys, this is the worst place on earth, okay? No, really? No. On earth. Ted Kaczynski's here, El Chapo's here. These motherfuckers are in solitary 23 hours a day. And then some of them are just being released.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like unknown, you know, not famous criminals are in there for like eight years in, in solitary. And then the prison's like, here's a bus ticket. Have a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So these dudes go from, like, solitary for eight years to society? And then they're like, and guess what? They are committing horrific crimes. Yeah, and they're like, hey, that's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not exactly rehabilitation, like this dude was in there for I don't know how long, it might have been like double digit years, got out and he was like, I'm gonna fucking kill somebody, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely has the most destructive effect on the humor. And it's also some of them are mentally ill, and ADX has a policy where they don't house mentally ill people, unless they're super violent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then they're like, you can send them in. Then we'll, we'll house them. And then how will you take care of them? We'll just keep them in solitary for like a decade and then we'll put them back out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that's a cool thing that's going on in this country right now is the, uh, really developed, uh, rehabilitation system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ivan, he was kidnapping people, now he grows tomatoes. I know, I know. He's really, really turned his life around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, first of all, what I love about this dude is that he is making demands on you to take him. He's like, don't invite me over for some shit you're gonna make. Take me to some five star shit when I get home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of other places. There's Larsen's. I like Larsen's. There's a Ruth's Chris. Ruth's Chris. Ruth's Chris' steakhouse. There's other places. I mean, I'd want to do a sushi meal, obviously. Prison sushi, I hear, is not the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We want closure for the families. We want the victims to be heard. So we are finally putting it out there. Where are the Bodies G T-shirt? Uhm, it is in the store right now. Uhm, so. G. Where are the Bodies G? Get that shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a couple of other things that have been added to the merch store in recent weeks is Dr. Drew, whose show we produce here, Dr. Drew after dark. He has a, an official show shirt. Uh, let's see, we have some invitation only, which is a big thing here. We're an invitation only show. That is on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Let's see. Bless you. Obviously 23.95 hat. There's, um, some epic show posters from my take it down tour. There are very few left. We have put in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, just so you know, starting this week on the 30th through the 2nd, it is a Labor Day sale. So if anybody wants to get any of those items, the sale is good for the entire store. Piss on me, beat me, YMH stuff, jeans stuff, all of it. Forestroking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go to the store, the promo code is Jean. J-E-A-N. J-E-A-N. It is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From August 30th through September 2nd, you get 20% off everything in the store. Thank you. That's MerchMethod.com. Slash com. Segura. Now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing we rediscovered recently on this trip, uhm, uh, well first of all, I don't understand people how, how do you do it? How do people travel, not just the country, people travel the world with like babies. No, they're, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We took our two children to Florida. It was horrible. And like, I mean, my cousin, he took a six month old at Tokyo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, we dropped our kid off at school today and these two boys came up to us and they went


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, you guys are tigers, huh? And one of them was kind of chubby. I was like, this tiger's been eating a lot, huh? He is not a chubby tiger. He's not gonna figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had this real cool, this cool dude, French dude, was driving me, uh, in one of these cities in, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, yeah, I met her son with my lady. We're going to go back to France and go to visit the family. And I go, when are you going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, you need a month. And I go, you're going to go to France with your baby? And he was like, yes. And I was like, I wouldn't do that. Why? I was like, because it's a baby. You're going to fly from Los Angeles to Paris and travel France with your five month old. I was like, I don't even take my kid to Target and you're going to take your kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But look, the traveling, I think it's chaos. Some people are knackered about it. My other cousins is like, why don't you take your kids with you when you go to your European tour? I'm like, yeah, that's a great idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, today I feel relaxed. The day after we get back from vacation is the day that I feel relaxed. Like I'm finally back at home, I know my kids are cool, now I feel cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A perfect smile is great if you don't have a great smile. Uhm, although the company recommends that you don't wear it to eat, drink, talk,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, we had such a good time with the perfect smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I had an idea and I don't want to go out and say something too crazy here, but I'm feeling pretty good about this. I would like to buy several of these and give them away to winning listeners. Just listeners that are proving to be top tier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I could work here. Those teeth are so white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're for sale. So, if you don't mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just look into it and if you want to go ahead and advance the $400 it would take to buy the company, uh, I'll pay you back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. It's so much fun. Hey, you ready for some racism? Yeah, always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she came up to a table and dropped an enbama, like an older white lady. And then the news team found her. And they were, cause she was very animated. And they were like, you know, you said something pretty horrific. And she was like, I'll say it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like she was very proud. She was like, and I would say it again. It was the right thing to say at that time. And they're like, what? She was like, cause they're being loud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. Go back where you came from. I do like that she switched it up. You fucking asshole. Didn't do all racism, like she also dropped just a very broad statement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first time, the first time I met her. At a restaurant. Yeaah. Yeaah, that's kind of actually what we're talking about. She had an audience, she had a new person. They'd get fired up. And she did a, she did like a performance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, I've peed in a lot of places, and uhm, one place I, one place I peed that uhm, stood out to me as, oh, this maybe is not as disguised as I thought it was, on this trip, was uhm, you know, we stayed on, on the water, so I took him down there one day, we were on the beach,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we were gonna go to the pool of the hotel. The pew. The pew. And so we came up, and I'm explaining to my three year old that you have to rinse off


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In like, they have like a, you know, it's like an outdoor shower. You basically rinse the salt water and the sand off yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were at my house and you had to pee in the pool, I would hold you down until you peed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, wait, but I mean, are you always like on the stomach kind of thing? Or do you go like, come here and like, you know, you put this in your mouth, you put it in your eyes, like, are you like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but if somebody was like, you think she's super hot and she was like, piss on me, you would be okay with it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, and also, like, when you're in the water, any, like, you know when you start to have to pee in a normal, like, and you're like, I could go pee? Like, whenever that happens and you're in the water, you're like, oh, just let it out. Just keep the whole thing going, you know?