[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, the best part about our masks by the way, our pup masks, is that you were out of town when they arrived.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our, uh, our nanny sometimes makes up our room. And I came back and she neatly folded both like fetish masks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy is such an animal. And not, we don't mean it like sexually. No, no, no. Fun or anything like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then some other mommy comes and escalates that game. Like we thought we'd exhausted the just glass and guy. And then this shows up. It's just, it's so fascinating. It's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Law enforcement, we've had improv comedy club, phone answerer, now a policeman, we've had people working in liquor stores.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now if you wanna up your hey mommy thanks jeans game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you do it face to face with a waitress, which you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get that Steve Bro podcast t-shirt at TomSagura.com in the shop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then I see that you- I'm just glassing at the menu here and I see that you have a 10-piece nugget. Can I get two of those?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Walmart. I love them so much. They have god damn donuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go at night, some moonshine night, just put the dog around him, put him on a trailer and walk him. And then, probably somebody else to pick him up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little shit. We'd go on a walk and you'd say, Cargamay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two things are gonna happen in the next 90 seconds. Excuse me? Excuse me. First, that phone over there is gonna ring. Second, you're gonna be wearing these cuffs on your way to prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a bad bad bad bad bite. I got a bad bad bite bad bite bad bite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Downstairs. Now, you see here that you would never rest your back against a chair and lizard-beath and tines. It's a melon spoon. It's only...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is that? That's Wank Sinatra? Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeah, really good song. I like it. It's not just terrible. Terrible. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think maybe actually I just realized that's my issue with it. Is that I feel like the person people act like they're into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for my, uh, audio people, I got a lot of people that, you know, ask questions and make suggestions about, so I have an update on this computer in a second. Should we do the show with two pooters? Oh, you want me to open the show first?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we do the show with two computers. Like this basically becomes the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not the same issue, but not playing. So now I think it's actually the jack that I plugged in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting how I kind of, uh, answered. Yeah, you kind of, you kind of solved it. I think that there's also a, um, uh, there's a software that somebody told me to download to, to do, to streamline this more. So I'm going to try that too, but we still don't have it today because today I couldn't hook it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had to transfer some, it's like, and then I have that version of the show open that doesn't sound the same for whatever reason. Doesn't sound the same on this computer. I don't understand that at all. Doesn't work. Sucks. Yeah. So weird. So weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Power through. Glass through. Glass through. Uhm, alright, should we open the show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't even hear it. So uhm, so it's like distorted and it's all funky sounding. I have no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't get it. I don't get it, man. Anyways, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's getting so crazy. Like, Nevada now has, uh, I think they're, I think they passed recreational marijuana. Not like that you couldn't find it before, but imagine to add that into the mix. Like now, weed is legal. You can walk on the streets with open beverages. Uh, the Raiders are probably going to be moving there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's also perfect. It's perfect. There's no better town to have the Raiders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy nuts. By the way, thanks to everybody that came out. Uhm, Huntington, Long Island, Montclair, New Jersey, and Atlantic City. Another.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three really fun shows. Uh, my parents came to Atlantic Shitty Show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was demanding it. He was really demanding it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've noticed lately, oh my god, nothing makes me like start to cringe more than after you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, encouraging, actually demanding that she drink before the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that has been a huge, huge help. I tell my dad...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give her two, because she really can't handle her alcohol. Yeah, it's the best. So I go, give her two, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and make sure that, you know, she's good and sauced. It works so well. First of all, she gets lightheaded and loose. She doesn't even remember what the show's about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really internalize anything, really, you know what I mean? Like, she just, at this point she feels like, so, because she'll, if she's sober, she'll be like, that thing was kind of, you know, that wasn't very nice to say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At this point, my dad was like, you know, that was true. And then my mom goes, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like that whole story he told about me. What story? I didn't even-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] None of it? Yeah, none of it. None of it. So I was like, this is the only way she's allowed to come to these shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is the other thing I wanted to tell you. The last time she went to the live show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She drank. She goes, you know what I have to tell you? That I, I love the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says, no more, you don't do the F anymore and you don't say you're masturbating. And my dad looked at me like, like, what are you talking about? He talked about that for like 15 minutes. Right. What show are you at? But then we realized it was the sauce. The sauce. You know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people are like that. I have friends too that are, I mean, obviously, you know, everyone knows this. Some people, it's fucking toxic to the point where you see that second drink go down someone's hatch and you're like, oh, I gotta get out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had friends like that even in high school, that I recognized, like once this dude has three beers, he headbutts people. And then, when, then there's people who just are fun all the time, like Burke's a great example.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just how he used to get down. That was just unwinding. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, uh, he was into that Marley mix too, you know? I'm sorry? The Bob Marley mix? Was he? Yeah, there was some, uh, song that he played. Yeah. And I was like, oh, this is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I mean, it's not a bad idea. I'm not gonna not start doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely have some, it's just I can't really access what it is right now, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's into loose sluts, but uhm, she's not really good at it. So that's kinda real funny. That's hilarious. And the best thing is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has, she's somebody who really sucks at it, like is a perennial loser, but has all the advice for you. So I always like the whole time I'm with her, she's like, this machine doesn't pay. This machine pays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you go like, okay, you sit at her machine and then you're betting too much. I'm like, uh huh. Like everything she says, I just, I keep telling her, I go, whatever your instincts tell you, do the opposite. You're the fucking cooler. Like you just kill a room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know if they're, I mean, probably not, but there is, I do know this, just from somebody I know who has


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure he's lost a lot of money, but I know that's lo- that won a lot of money as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I believe you go, you get into your range and you max bet. There's no point in minimizing the bets on those things. Because all the, if you do hit something, the payout is if you bet more. So get like, get on a fucking penny machine, max it. She's like, don't bet so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, some of them, it might be like a dollar a spin. If you go to like the, you know, or you can do $3 or $5 or you can go to the high limit slots and bet $50 a spin, but I just don't see the point. I'm like, you never win and your betting strategy never works. So try the one I'm telling you. No. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course not, but I still had fun watching her. And then if it would, if she would hit something, it would go like ding ding ding ding ding. And it would, uh, it would go like, you know, pay out like $1 50 cents. Look at you. You're fucking killing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is it. She gets a rush. But, she's always complaining that she never gets like any, never wins any real money. Like, cause you're not betting real money. You gotta bet more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are lucking out on a machine. Yeah, there's no strategy. I'm just pressing a button. But I just think that like, whenever she thinks it's time, I go whenever your body tells you to get out from this machine and move, stay. And whenever your body says go to that machine, walk away. In other words, stop trusting yourself. You're bad at this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, where's that- I'm trying to find the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, whale dicks is right here. I was trying to find something else. Uhm, but okay, we can get into whale dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I remember what I was looking for. Uhm, but yea, this lady here is our whale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so huge, um, and she is a, an expert. And then there's like, there's a, there's a, what is that, a forklift? I mean, uh, uh, tractors?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this thing is so massive that, you know, there's a, there's a team of people on the beach and she's the scientist obviously, she's the one that knows about the specimen and then, you know, they stumble on the penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To give you an idea of the size of this cock, it's sitting on her lap as she's bent down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, I don't know, not even, not even half of it with one hand, and then flapping, open-handed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the, uh, the end of it, flapping it around, it's like a, it's like a fire hose, but, I mean, like they've already engorged it, it's actually bigger than that, you know? It actually looks like a safety cone, painted black, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she makes a really good point of why it's the most amazing penis. It's because they can't stop to mount.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody, uh, no, I noticed that you noticed it. Somebody was like, Hey, is that, and they actually tagged this woman. Do you know her name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Hold on. So, god, it's always weird when you play a video like this. Yeah. And then you talk a lot of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. But I didn't realize something. Uh, what is her name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, look, she's, uhm, here, Sharzah, what kind of name is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sharzad Morgan, uhm, but it says, oh she said in that comment that she's an escort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she has a new book coming out called What I Did for Sex and What It Can Do for You. Oh, that's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and she did, she, she was nice enough that after we fucking absolutely shit all over this, uhm, where she said, well, thanks for the compliment on my teeth. Yeah, she does have really nice teeth. I know, and we complimented, and of all the things she said, she pointed that out. She's a nice lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says here, Mother has a Bachelor of Science in Computer Science, MBA, and she does a TM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I'm gonna do it, because you guys got me both thinking about it so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And she was hosed by, uh, some fuckin' guy like the, the guy that teaches. Twin goddess activations? Yeah, twin goddess activations. Some guy like that was like, you don't want to be a white tiger? And she was like, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, always. Always. You can't play that game. Otherwise...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I did, I got Burmbi Gonorrhea twice. It's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know, it just, it doesn't feel good. It feels better than it used to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeah, yeah, it hurts when you pee, it doesn't look good. What's it look like? Uhm, it looks like you got an infection in your dick hole. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, just fuckin' dirty road beef, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Throughout the course of our relationship, where I would say today's definitely one of the better days. There's days where you carried anger throughout the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From your dreams. Like, there couldn't be a more irrational reason to be upset. And you've been like, it's fucked up. You've cited your dream as the reason you're in a bad mood before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you're fucking, your friends are dog to bounty hunts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit! Yeah, it's not Salome. So to recap, Christina changed her phone number at this point, what, a year and a half ago? And you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, started at first getting job offers for a nurse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aiden, where are you? Adis. Adis, where are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You weren't at your AA today, and then were like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's somebody that has all her friends' phone numbers written down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody found a photo of that as something that people do, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know the folded 20 and then there's just a hundred of them in the middle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, mandem. There was a couple blood and fams in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of the henchmen would be like, blood, why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch the rest of that pile of shit. Watching that movie really makes me wish I knew Tom Cruise just so I could be, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, call him and be like, how disappointed are you in the way this turned out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you? No, but he's so, I feel like he's the type that would be like, he would be like, yeah, the fucking director fucked this one up. I feel like he would leave with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Overall, there's a lot of people who worked on it, and I'm so thankful that all of them came in my life. One of those fuckin' horse shit. People do that. Whenever people, uh, in Hollywood credit the crew, that's when I'm like, ugh. The main thing is, I'm just happy to have this crew back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm just happy that, I'm just happy that these guys get to work. They start doing that. I'm sure that's what your main concern is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They always say that uhm, when shows get renewed, they're like, the main thing is that, that uh, this crew gets to work another season. That was the main- I'm sure. I was so worried about like, what are they gonna do? Like, I'm taking care of it, but like, these guys? That was my main concern.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess my numbers are pretty split on that. Some strangers, like some, half strangers, half I know you. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm making a greater point when I talk about her. I'm making a bigger point. I don't want to get into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that. I'm making a point about women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how, how women have to basically be more vigilant than men. Because if you're a guy, there's just a point where you don't rationally think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never got gonorrhea, babe. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's just the point that I make though. The point that I make is just about that. It's not about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maria was just like, whatever. Jane was like, that's disgusting. She, she thought this whole time, she brought this up last week. She thought this whole time I had her saved in my phone as cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, she goes, it's just like so fuckin' rude. You used to call me Cunty, and I go, I never called you Cunty. No. Yes, like she was so adamant. I go, the nickname was Scunty, like a Scunty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, really? I go, yeah, you thought it was cunt? She goes, yes. I go, no, it was scunty and luddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, that is so fucking rude. Gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really impressionable and every year you're like, you want to go to no condom row?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Or pregnant. We see pregnant people like, they took pot. They took pot. And they smoked drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of anything, this is one of my favorite things that come in a while. You remember obviously, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy robbed a place with his face wrapped in duct tape. In duct tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like his approach to denying it though. Hey. Hey man. It's not me. Look at me man. Look at me. You know me man. You know it's not me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. All I know is that this is another guy that's in a duct tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is an insane, can you imagine all the things you could cover your face with? How much that would hurt to take that off? That would hurt so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I mean, don't picture just your face. What about when you're, when it's coming off the back of your head?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we'll check that out. That's TeeBro. Uhm, alright. It was a big announcement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's my big add-ons I'll just tell you about. A fourth...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is it. There's no more. Thank you Chicago for all your support. Uh, if you haven't gotten tickets, now is your chance. There is three weeks until the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we need to, uh, scoop those up while...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can. A second show has been added April 6th in Titsburg, Pennsylvania.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For Portland, Oregon, May 13th. I had to move it to the next month because the original next day would have been Easter. So I'm now coming back May 13th. Seat rattle, meat rattle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Washington also has a second show on that Friday. Uhm, so that's an added show in Seattle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and there's gonna be, let's see, there was one more show added in DC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause those previous ones sold out, and there was, there's one coming up that's gonna be added that I, it's not confirmed yet, so I can't mention it. But those are all the added shows. I also promoted Green Bay today, so I know Green Bay's coming up. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania's coming up. Check those out. TomSagura.com slash tour. Go to TomSagura.com. James?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't announce it officially. Yeah, but that's really great. I know. I'm so excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, I love you too. I'd like to be with you, I wanna be with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had, yes, but not, it's never carried in because I've woken up and been like, oh, that was a dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, I don't know. His cheese is really fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I do wanna try it now, right? Don't you think this guy's probably, it's probably pretty good, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's Malnati's. That's gross. Yeah. It's really, it's gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when there's water but then there isn't? Now it's a dry pond. Like yea, now I got it. Yea. It was so boring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when the water goes away, now it's a dry pond. You're like, yep, that's how you do it. Teaching us about dry ponds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In that particular area, I mean, the answer is simply yes, there was a sinkhole that it opened on the street level and below it was, you know, the, uh, what's it called, like the, the water


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it that runs through underneath the, yeah, but the tunnel, the, uh, you know, I forget what it's called. Anyways, sewer. Yeah, it was like sewage lines, basically like an open flooded. So the water, uh, it was raining so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That uhm, I guess that area was just susceptible to it. Swallowed two cars, did you see that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But sometimes there's sinkholes, like in that area it was above like a functioning, uhm, you know, sewage system line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there are sinkholes that happen just, you know, terrain opens up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're just, shit is, is, uh. Shit's crazy. Shit's crazier than motherfucker, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go. Uhm, this seems, this one seems to vary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it wasn't so much water, then it wouldn't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's crazy too is like, there's always this illusion that everything's fine, don't worry about something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, of course you're dead. Uhm, I know, I have, uh, you know, the one thing about that is much scarier is that they're sudden. I lived through a bunch of hurricanes in Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least you have warnings, you know, the warnings that changes a lot because they're like, a hurricane is coming and then you're just fucking dumb if you're around for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna see a dad boner, uh, lightning strike guy? Always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, he looks like he's in a broadcasting kind of jacket, you know? Right. And he's outside, it's snowing like crazy. I mean, there's, I don't know how much snow is on the ground. And there's lightning, and that's his reaction every time he sees lightning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm definitely not that excited. I mean, I'm excited for him, but I'm not that excited. Neither am I. I would stab him in front of his children to get 500 million dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's like he has one passion, and it's fucking lightning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you get sad about seeing them, but I don't know if there's anything that you feel that passionate about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was really excited about that. You're fun to surprise because you get excited on surprises. Yeah. One time I flew your friend out. That was the best day ever. I got really excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Exactly. I'm talking about your accessible dog pound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, no. The boy makes us pretty excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, I don't, I don't see us. I don't know, I definitely don't get, you always make fun of me if we're not that excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's also a lie. You're a fucking liar. You exaggerate. You weren't as excited as I- That's fake news, that's fake news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got excited when we were having a baby, I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of babies, what's this? Someone who's sitting in a baby doing this. Let's see how it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cute little glassing kid. Holy. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so apparently this is you... doing stand-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's, yeaah, you went to Korea after we, I mean, not more than 10 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're confident too. Look at how you, for that long ago, you're super confident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seems to have accidentally taken the wrong drink at Starbucks. In other words, they put something, I think she took the wrong one, and she fucking loses her mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That's another good- Such assholes. That's a great title for a special too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do you understand? I understand I think what happened now. She said, you said that the next drink was going to be mine. So, and then it was the second drink and the third drink. So they keep saying like your drink's coming, but your drink, she's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that Starbucks employee, you gotta give credit, is like really patient, really understanding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Cause part of you wants to go like, hey, are you fucking serious right now? That you're freaking out? That I said your drink was next and it's not? You see these cups? Yours is one of these. Chill the fuck out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's called displaced anger. She just takes one of those 160 degree cups and just throw it in that lady's face. That was your drink. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Lick it up bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like this type of behavior is tolerable in about seven countries in the world and everywhere else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone would beat you and no one would stop it, you know? And then when the police came, someone would be like, that bitch was going crazy about her drink so I kicked her and they'd be like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now she's gonna fucking email us this week. I saw that I was on your podcast and I was very excited. And you made me look bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely something you recognize and a feeling, but reacting like that's not okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what you do is your eyes are like, and then you go, Arp is mine? Like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause that's too far. There was a child's temper tantrum, you know? That's how children react.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, you just, you fill your mind with different idea names, you know, and then you figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was Sammy. Holy shit, that sounded scripted. Yea, that was great. She got so many in there. So many. She closed it on fill it up and seal it shut. Can you fluid bond that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck man, I know that Hitler's are just, man, he did one of those, sometimes people go like, hey look, like that, it's kind of like, kind of hide it. He did a clear one, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that's like, uh, on that supercut, that guy goes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rachel and Sean, she ran into what, what people are not used to running into, which is somebody engaging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeah, I mean, that's why that's the dumb, it's the dumbest comparison. So that guy goes, how is that like, which is exactly what you should think when somebody says it's like the gays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well she sold herself, like, asking the question. In other words, she made it seem like it's a worthwhile, she's like, well they're saying...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, uh, I'm Takin' a Shit, Homie, by Ramsey McQueen as our closing song. Oh, wow. Okay. Uh, it was a lot of fun today. Thanks, guys. Thanks, Gene. We, we enjoyed you as always. Thanks for, uh, for listening. And, uh, we'll see you next week. It's Fluid Bond soon. Uh, yourmomshousepodcast.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ThousandRanch.com, TomSegura.com. We'll see you next time. Thanks mommies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awww, I don't like it in my eyes, it burns in my eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, uh, Bite the End of Your Dad's Dick Off by DJ Stannemom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sitting up. Yeah. I got a lot, by the way, a number of people were like, well, have you gained a bunch of weight? And I'm like, I lost almost 20 pounds in the last month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not mean. Where's your water? It's uh, it's right here. Big glass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anybody that uhm, in Houston that saw me last year, or the year before, saw me at Warehouse Live. So you're going back there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, October 13th through 15th, Charlotte, North Carolina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm at the Comedy Zone there. The next week, Cox Comedy Club in Manfran Disco, California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, two of those are already sold out, so make sure you hop on that dick in San Francisco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only a couple nights at Cox. Uh, Caroline's on Broadway in Jude Orch Titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's only two nights that I'm coming for. It's November 4th and 5th, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those, uh, Louisville, Pouville, Kentucky. I'm doing the Laughing Derby. Couple nights there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, uh, Philadelphia, we sold out three. So we added one more. It'll be the final show. If you're in Philly and you don't have tickets yet and you want to come, that is the last night that there's going to be, but this is the fourth and final edition. I'm going November 18th and 19th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then my last gig before the year ends is Harry Palm, Harry Bald Beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's just the way it is gonna go, okay? Wait a minute, I downloaded caffeine like you guys told me to. Why didn't it work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's wearing orthopedic old guy shoes, but the rest is definitely done up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also, the screen is, you know, it's stopped right now because the clip is over, but he has a hall of shame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he's putting people on blast there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So are those people that are currently taking the class right now or those are past people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Mongoloid's watching me, yeah. Here, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, if you're listening, he's wearing like a velvet...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like dotted tuxedo jacket with a massive black bow tie and almost like a floral patterned shirt underneath it. Tightly floral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, jeans. Uhm, I remember when I did my semester abroad, when I did Spain, their main thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't really talk about American behavior, you know, cause a lot of kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't wear jeans. He would say that too. You can't wear jeans. He would get excited, kind of excited to say that. You can't wear jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So is that his plan you think? I'm gonna give you a haircut that in three weeks you're gonna love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are your next three weeks looking like? Because you're gonna look like shit. Until then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jumbotrons. Like stadium-sized jumbotrons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His philosophy is basically, I'm gonna say whatever I say, and you can go fuck yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he were more famous, in other words, if he was part of the mainstream, it would be really funny to hear...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, these talking head news shows interview him and they're like, you just said, and he'd be like, fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. But he by the way, I watched, I haven't finished that Netflix thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, well I know, but so, but that leaves in the question, what is that guy, what is he worth? It's not out there, I don't see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That Chinese thing there, cause I saw some of this clip earlier. And then a girl, a Chinese girl actually, that's who he's talking to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's a Chinese girl. He says that to their face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's see. There's all types. We never fully get to explore all the great music you guys send in, because you do send in incredible music. And uhm, yeah, this latest one was from Jenna? Is that her name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This song is called Watergate. You wanna hear it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the Donald Trump of the Watergate. You're like, oh, you talk a big game, you got all these stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say you don't drink a lot, you go wrong, wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's La Croix and I, uh, I'm drinking it's mine. You have your own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so fucking upset about that. Activate anti-sleep? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we got translations. A number of our fluent Farsi listeners wrote in. Uhm, this one came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fartsy people, uh, it says, here's what's going on in that message. Hello Salome, how are you? I wanted to tell you, someone I wanted to know, thank you for your thoughts, but me, and then someone interrupts like we thought she did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She says, Solomon, I'm sorry this person calls me sometimes. Then they wrote, this part, following part is unintelligible. She mumbles something about the person who interrupted her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then she said, I eat normal, I eat regular normal. I know anyway, thank you for your talk, Salaam, my dear. This is my home number. You can call me to talk to me. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's from Pierre and Arrezu and, uh, my buddy who translated a bunch of the earlier ones, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically yeaah, same thing. Thanks for the talk. She'll shut up, go away to the person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says, I've been eating normal, I don't eat non-fat stuff, just regular. Oh, just regular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I start, now I'm feeling bad for the caller that she doesn't connect with Salome as much as she wants to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes she's really nice to Salome. Salome doesn't even know how much this lady cares about her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, speaking of ladies who speak aggressively, you wanna see something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like on, yeah, or public access. Yeah. And it's the town meeting. Yeah. Someone can be like, you know, there's, there's no, there's a pothole on my tree. Yeah. So Maria used to go. I keep going, keep, keep driving through it. I wish you guys would do something there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is at the city council meeting. This is her beef? She just busted out a four pack of angelsauce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much of a bummer would it be if every time you're on city council?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did she, did she bring like a, a fucking, a fishing knife today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never heard an N word. Really? I've only had a few meetings with your mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. She brought one pair of panties for a man. Pink panties for a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, no, uhm, I mean I wish there had been, that was so crazy, it's just, it's too hard to follow. Cause she's just, she's really out of her mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I wish I had a little more focus, like I don't know what she's after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and they're just driving us. Everybody else has their own, you know, people come different ways. So, but when we want to go back,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Diaz and I want to go back at intermission, it's just he and I. So there's a driver who works for Live Nation, and Diaz and me. So we get in the car, at first we're just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about this, talk about that. And then you know sometimes when you're on particularly longer drives, highway drives, there's just moments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where it kind of goes quiet and you feel the, feel the highway beneath the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tires kind of has that rhythm. It's kind of peaceful. And at night, you know, you see, sometimes you can see stars or like the way that the highway's lit up. There's kind of a tranquility to it. We hit that moment. There's no radio on. So you're just hearing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm staring out the window and that silence lasts about 15 seconds or so. And then Joey goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, guys would stab each other. Saw knife fights. I don't even know what the fuck was going on. I'm running the other way, guys just stabbing each other. Crazy shit back then. And that's just from a dead silence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says a lot of funny shit. So much of it is not even repeatable. Even in the context of our show, I wouldn't be able to set it up right. He's so outrageous. Not even outrageous, it's just like you can't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know how to prepare someone for it. You literally have to experience it yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Joey would be a little different than, than the McGruff dog. I think he'd be like, you see this kid over there? I could take that kid if I wanted to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Really really fantastic. What's this dad boner thing? Dad boner sings about abstract painting. Do you know about this? No. What does that mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a spot on the back of my ball bag that likes alternative touching too. If you could alternatively use your tongue and then your mouth, that would feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot. Look, he's doing stretches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I feel like I'm... What is the, uh, what's the big girl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I mean, there's times if I do something really intense, exercise wise, where I feel like it's good for me. In other words, you know, your hamstrings are wrecked, you go, well this stretch is going to help me, but I still don't enjoy it. I just do it because I know it's better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just got home a little while ago. We were leaving a room to basically head up the stairs and you were a step ahead of me and you turned around, you put your hand back and you placed it on like my midsection and you just went, wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No I say that to you. I say that to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A potty-mouthed Dunville teacher who slipped into foul territory before facing new charges. Dunville secondary school English teacher Jennifer Elizabeth Green Johnson allegedly told a student, why don't you lick me where I fart?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] According to the, what is it, Brantford Expositor, Green Johnson has been a frequent flier at the Ontario College of Teachers and the Grand Erie District School Board's disciplinary committees. She's been suspended for 30 days last January for professional misconduct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Among the most recent allegations that date to 2015, she slapped a student on the head, called him an idiot, and told him to grow some balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most commentators slammed her, although several are favorable. One comment was, awful teacher, bully to all students, um, swears at students all the time, laughs if you don't know the correct answer, very unprofessional, uh, she is worse than a bully, immature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a former Iowa supply teacher, Marybeth Hagland, famously had sex with one of her students a hundred times. She's now stripping. She's now working at a strip club called Woody's, just a few miles from where she taught.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's probably because you're like, hey, who's this girl in panties? Uhm, anyways, lick me where I fart. Really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fighting, you know, as a whole, UFC even, yes, sometimes you hear outrageous shit, but boxing especially lets people get away with saying just the dumbest shit and the most, like, they don't have any...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's kind of, it is refreshing because you see such cookie cutter stuff in the four major sports. It's always like, we're trying to find our identity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, you know, they came with it, we did the best we could. It's always the same. This is from that, this is one of the OG clips we played from that Kellerman Adrian Broner interview.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's been on the show a few times actually, he's done some ridiculous shit too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so anyways, there's an article in Vice about his, uh, this upcoming film and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These, I guess these guys followed him around for a while. They asked him at one point, why do you call your penis the devil between your legs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he says, uh, because the devil takes your body, it's not you taking him. For so many years I used sex for my convenience. When sex is using you, however, that means you are addicted, and it's the devil. It's the same if you take drugs or alcohol. All this is what I call the devil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it said, oh, cause we've mentioned this before, it's not the first time he's talked about retiring. Yeaah. He's the Jay Z of porn. What happened when you were 40 and you said you'd be working just behind the camera as a director?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the other side, I fucked up so many times. First of all, I hurt myself by stopping. Secondly, I started to go to hookers two or three times a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So three times a day, hooker, hooker, hooker, because I was used to having so much sex. Wow. So then he went back to performing for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is something that I wanted to, uh, show to you because it's, uhm, it looks like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to show if you're, see there's steps up here, see the way that we had it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't see up the steps, there was a ledge like this off the side once you climbed up high enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got an email that says, hey mommies, I just wanted to write to say, I just got done licking my first asshole. And it was pretty amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been dating this girl for a few weeks and decided I would steal her heart by, um, by eating her ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We talked about it over text and she was totally excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of the silky feeling that gave my tongue and was even more surprised there was not a shitty taste or smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won't bore you with my technique as I'm an amateur currently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Overall, I would rate it 10 out of 10. She loved it, and I have to say I enjoyed it also. I highly recommend Tina give it a try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm not gonna do that right before I go, you know, before you go to have your lunch. I'm gonna clean it up, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause the guy just breathes. I remember this. And then he like goes, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. What an interesting topic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dry and wet, it will smell like dog shit, I think. I do think so. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, why don't we try an experiment? Why don't you do it for a couple days? I'm traveling a bunch, but you're home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Just try it. Try it for like three or four days. You could eat a little bit of dog food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to try it as an experiment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the other question? Oh yeaah, the wiping. I think that part of it is they squat so deeply when they shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if we start, if we start shitting with one of those, and squatting down more, like the way you were meant to actually poop, I think there'd be less to clean up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you said you're repulsed by it, so why don't you start with wet food just to get into like the flow, and maybe day two you get into some dry food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree. I totally think we're people too. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you can eat anything, did you know that? You don't have to, but you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's too little, I think if you eat the whole can it would make it smell though. What if it's really good and you just go to town on it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you wanna know something crazy? Speaking of beats, you remember that, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did the podcast live. Uhm, remember the guy that interrupted about-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, 92 bars. It's this diss track from the game about Nick Mills. Guys, you don't follow, but he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, he, we were, we were DMing about something. I told him I want to come watch how he makes a beat. And he said, absolutely. Oh, that's fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I'm going to get DJ lessons, but I want to see him make a beat. So he said I could do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm excited. And congratulations on the success of 92 bars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that he was such a huge fan. There was even, uh, wasn't there a video one made too? A lot of people were on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom, I'm on the case. Let me see, that's uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. We always purposely say that, which is so dumb of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your highness was that, uh, a universal, this is big in colleges now, so what happens is when a student


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When a student signs on for a, you know, a new semester of classes, you know, everything, a lot of it is electronic today, right? A professor emails his class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now, when you see those sign-offs, the signature of the professor has their pronoun, they allow students to email in their pronouns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The University of Michigan did like a whole campus-wide thing where to be inclusive, name your pronoun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, as you can name anything, one of the students there did, uhm, Your Highness. And he said it was to point out the absurdity of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it says, Dear Mammies, I have a couple pair of denim jeans I've had for about six years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For reference, uh, I know exactly the type of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are two nos, the one you got on and the one you're holding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know what you're saying. I just think you need, you said two in six years, man. Why don't you just get rid of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know the dad jeans you're talking about. You know what, the other thing you left out, those dark dad jeans are real thick. They're coarse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's a light jean that kind of works, but, you know, these are too loose, too baggy. They're not fitted, right? Yea, they're not fitted, and I don't think this color is good. I just don't, I think it's too, it's too light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I want to take this dude shopping. I know. Where do you live? I'll go to the mall with you. Jeff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll go get you, I'll, I'll buy jeans with you. If I'm in New York City. Yeah, I don't like these. These are terrible. Jeff, get some new fucking jeans, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, I gotta get going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay, the closing song is called Top Dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you guys for listening. Don't forget your momshousepodcast.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shop through the Amazon banner. Go to thousandranch.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For tickets to see Christina, TomSegura.com. Oh, by the way!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We fucking forgot to mention this. What? This week, there's a new shirt going on sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big stinking deal. Okay, I'll do that. Alright, uhm, that's that, jeans. And, uh, I don't know. Nothing else. Bye mommies, love you. Love you. Be the jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We definitely have. I mean, that's Ramsey McQueen with, uh, Jimmy Dean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do? He's saying that that's a northern...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nasty. Why you gotta be so nasty all the time? I agree. I like just, like, I want it salty and greasy and I don't like the herbs and all that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a great guy, Scott came, and uh, oddly enough, knew this space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, you gave me his contact, I called him and he came out here and he solved the mystery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got, you got time to fucking put on that hemp hat? You can't fucking season the bacon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I noticed that that guy kept saying the name wrong. It's Jeffrey Dana Morgan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, it was a Trish Knight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it was fun. Gosh. It was fun, you're pretty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what it's about. Should we do a proper show open?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, here we go. Show is rolling. Let's do this. Sound good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, real quick before I forget, a lot of people enjoyed and then a lot of people complained about the live podcast that went up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, here's what I can tell you man, I had no problem playing it on, I listened to it on the podcast app on my phone. Sounded totally normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, listen to it on iTunes. Sounded totally normal to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I noticed that all the comments were back and forth. Some would be like, you can't hear it. And the next person would say, you can hear it fine. Here's all I can tell you. Um, it's the file that we got from them and I've sent it now, which is, I guess too late, but I sent it to another engineer to see if they can do some type of treatment on it. See if they can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm waiting on that answer also for the late show with Yoshi. So if they can, if they can, you know, make it any better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will gladly pay for that and then upload it then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's where it's at. I got so many messages that said it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are, you know, having conflicting issues with it, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I learned, I realized I didn't, I'm not as into grape, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I like that one. I got the black cherry. I like that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I got some Dr. Xevious. I like the Dr. Xevious. That's what I figured you would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I didn't know. You never mentioned it. You were always like, uh, so that's why I didn't do it. If you would have said it, I would have done it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just sent me one of those, uh, what is it, GIF? It's actually pronounced JIF, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, these fucking cunts, uh. Okay. So people, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Circle back, think outside the box if you don't mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kicking a guy in the balls, naked, and then punching him in the balls, and then, and then kneeing him in the balls, and then it ends with her grabbing his balls and lifting him up by them, and they're enormous, but it's also edited to Jitterbug by Wham.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really great. We can't really play it on this show because the audio gets flagged, the video will get flagged, everything gets fucking flagged. Fucking flags. Fucking flags. Put a fucking flag in your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not against anyone's kinks, like whatever gets you going. How do you not vomit? If you're a guy, like women don't understand this. I mean, our son has just stepped on my balls and I'm like, Oh my God. And I double over and this guy's multiple punches, kicks. I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forget if you like it. How does your body not just shut down? I don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's involuntarily shut down. You're not going, I think I should not. You physically, you can feel it up inside like your kidneys, your lower intestine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not what you respond to, it's a moment later and you, I mean you feel nauseated, you know, I mean, you get hit hard enough, yea, you want to vomit, your, your eyes roll, it's a pain that's, that kinda, it just aches everywhere, it's, it's horrible, it's, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think they have to be. There has to be something different about somebody that signs up for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well you can't. I mean, I'm telling you, uh, forget getting hit a graze for a lot of guys. For me, I'm that guy where if someone had a backpack and swung it around and just grazed my balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to sit down and kind of gather, gather myself before, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't just walk away, I'd be like, hold on a second. It would take like a minute to respond. And she's, she lines up her


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, does my pup play, is it only with guys? Or can I have a woman there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's 100% I'm a fucking dog. I'd eat out of a dog bowl, take me on walks, I'll piss in the backyard, whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, first of all, you shouldn't get hit like that in any part of your body. Right. You're not supposed to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not cool to sign up for a beating, but you know, that part, that's the most vulnerable part of a man's body. Easily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in a way we really should be celebrating it. Because this guy's not being, you know, ashamed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what, maybe it is a slow thing, like maybe it is a thing where the guy goes, no, what about this, like, what if he realizes he likes to be dominated, so he signs up for that, and then, okay, that goes well, you know, and there's like a little bit of spanking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clamp, nipple clamping. And he's like, oh, it's painful. I like it. And that slowly gets to like a little ball smack or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen a video of, uh, high heels, like the stiletto heels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really is talking about, you know, repetition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yes, I think he did need to. Really? I think some of those pups were like, oh, finger it? And he had to, he learned that like, no, you gotta tell him. Over time, he's learned. Don't go inside. Gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, no, you gotta be, you gotta be specific. Do you wanna see this lady flip out on a plane?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kind of, here's the thing. She's definitely overreacting, but I do understand. I don't think she is. I do understand when, like, no one like a traveler, a business traveler, some of you out there are business travelers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Know that feeling of like, will you just get off the fucking plane? Of course. Sometimes you're in the back and you're like, wait, are they loading in the next group of passengers? Cause I feel like we've been standing back here for 30 fucking minutes. It is the most unnerving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get your life bro! My favorite is that sometimes the person will put their bag in the overhead behind where they sat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you land and then they'll be like, I'm up there. They're like, no, now you're back here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You came back to get the bag. You don't get to go back to the... What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great you, and let me upgrade you to the hottest channels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so that's kind of starting. It's almost like she's talking to herself. She has headphones on, you know. I think she might be listening to music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel what this guy looks like here in a moment is how I feel all the time whenever I see... Crazy. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See how he's, he's covering his face. It's like when you're cringing for someone. That's how I feel most of the time in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were doing a bit and it made me laugh. I'm talking about when someone's serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that makes me laugh. Yeah, so here's what happened. Uhm, we have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Neiman Farkas is, is like, I mean, it is outrageous as far, that is like a couture store. In other words, like high end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super, super expensive designer designer shit. Like there's only a few that are in that company. I feel like, you know, most people know you go to Macy's and then you step up to Bloomingdale's or whatever. And then, you know, it goes, it goes on up, but like Neiman Farkas is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they always have the range. I know there's a one that I went into. I was in Beverly Hills one time after a meeting and I needed, I forget what, a belt or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I went into the ones that are on Wilshire there, uh, Barneys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Barneys has like $5,000 sweatshirts and you're like who would buy this? Who would wear a $5,000 sweatshirt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, there's a whole, they have like normal high-end clothes and then there's a whole section of just designer nonsense where you're like, who the fuck would wear this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was buying, I was paying for my socks. It's for like tourists. Just a pair of black socks. Which by the way, they're dress socks. At least the ones I bought were normally priced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I'm saying for that store, I was always expecting it to be something crazy too. Anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we take pictures of each other holding up their clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I put it on Instagram, a picture of me and a picture of you. And yeah, he noticed, but anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're about, he goes, I saw you looking at, and it was actually called something jeans. It was like Ruby's jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, yeah, he goes, you didn't strike me as the type of guy that would wear that. And I was like, oh yeah, I wasn't. And then he's checking me out and you go, Hey Tom, how about these? And you held up like black. What, what was the material?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they look like they're made of, like garbage bags. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you're saying like all this kind of passive aggressive insulting stuff and I'm like uhm, and the lady picked up on it too and she goes, she goes, they're actually really comfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, they uhm, you know, they have a laugh and I, and then the guy kind of is like, you know, I go, who does buy this? He goes, well, he goes, actually the guy, the designer of that was here and he doesn't wear that shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The designer of this ridiculous clothes doesn't wear his own clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember 10 years ago we took them to Saddle Ranch and they thought that was the best thing ever. They love it. Nice. You see the cars drive by. They love it. And they had their tight, they have those tight white sneakers on that look like they're foot binding shoes. European styles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean you basically, in most circles in this country, you would get your ass kicked for wearing that. Easily. Yea. Dude. You can't walk up into a place, I mean you can't walk in and be like, what? Like I got these torn, studded, spray painted jean shorts on, what's up? People would be like, the fuck is wrong with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I know, I also think about that, like, how many people have to buy that to make that work? Five?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying, no, more. Right, right, to justify. To make that line work so all those people are wearing this fucking thing. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you need a bunch of things that are like a hundred bucks so that like a lot of people can buy it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I don't know. But when shoes are a thousand dollars, I'm like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I know a lot of sneaker heads, and it's cool, like I love, I have nothing but sneakers basically, but I have like a major cap on that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of money actually that, that pours in from, from tourists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there was a, right, there was that, we went to that restaurant that's in a hotel there, and that's what the guy told me. He goes, oh, he said it's so hot in the Middle East.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During the summer that they come here, where it's by the way, hot, but he goes, this is so much less hot that they'll come here. They'll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they'll stay in one of our, like in a, like they'll rent out a floor of sweets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For us, for a couple months, shop, shop, shop, shop, shop, fly back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, we're talking about dozens and dozens of groups of people doing this. They come, they all come together as a family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, yeaah. I know the Chinese too are like spending crazy money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For jorts. They should give you those jorts. They should be like, will you take these?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they gave me $800, I would take them, but I wouldn't wear them, but I'd take them out for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my negotiating tool. I'll do the cover art in your stupid outfit. But I will not shoot my special in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am like, I like, uhm, if I had a job for it, I would, you know, I would wear nice ties, but I don't have a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I smell better than I used to. Alright, let's go back to this lady losing her mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a real, that's one of those lines you can always pull on someone as a, don't talk to me like you know me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, one time, one of the scariest, my scariest LA, one of them, LA incident was, um, years ago, this is when I was working at, I forget, one of the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my morning, you know, uh, post-production jobs. And I was at a gas station in Silver Lake. It's like 8.30 in the morning. Rush hour traffic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's in, you know, cars are flying by. Anyways, I'm filling up my tank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a car that's, that had just, I guess, gotten gas, rips through the parking lot. Like it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I go back to, you know, looking at the tank and then I hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I look up and the guy had reversed, stopped right like in front of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, and it's a, it's a goofy, kind of a goofy looking white guy with black hair and a, like a bad thin black mustache, like almost like it doesn't grow in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A tweaked out look in his eyes, you know? He goes, what's up dog?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, what's up? And he goes, you're acting like you know me, homie. And this is because I had gone like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like rolled my eyes at him ripping through this parking lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in that moment, I remember what flashed through my head was like, this guy doesn't seem like a capable, tough guy or anything like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in my head like, this is like all happening obviously a million miles a second. I go, for him...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To say this right now to me, means that this dude doesn't have a lot to lose. Like he's, and also I think,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's looking for an exchange right now. So I just absolutely just went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just shook my head like, mm-mm. And then I turned back to the, like to the guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I just, like a second passed and then I heard, and he ripped out of there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I mean I was trying to defuse, but it wasn't like a dude was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you go like, oh shit, this guy, this guy is going to fuck me up. I looked at this guy like this dude has to be mentally ill or.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I did, eyes down. Eyes down. I did, eyes down. But I'll never forget those two, cause the exact exchange was, what's up dog? And he goes, you acting like you know me homie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see this guy's hand going like this, you see that? This guy here, he's like rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that it's, she's going too far with it, but she does, oddly enough, have a point. She's got the point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You've had blood running down your leg on a plane?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that's the truth. Right? Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what she wants to say. Poor girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that she went back to, can you do me a favor? She went nice again. She was like, do me a favor and, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have children ever heard somebody act crazy? Look how mortified I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just brings a smile to my face, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just stoked. Yeah, pupils are dilated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%, but you're also with people all the time, that's why. Here, you're in your car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, he was, he was so used to it that he just, his knees were barely bent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Yeaah. I don't know if it's still even up there. It's been so long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, so you wanna talk about dumps? Let's talk some shit. You wanna talk some shit? Let's talk it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, for those of you that don't know, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm a brown guy, brown master, and for a while, I was like, man, I mean, I even had a stand-up bit about having diarrhea all the time, and I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got to the point where I said, you know, this is, you were like, it was pretty bad, I hear it all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I still feel like I, uh, I feel like I still fart like that. Or shit like that all the time. Yea. All the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't even, I can't even tell you. It's a long time. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So altogether, I kept rescheduling it. Anyways, at the same time that the rescheduling was going on, I was changing my diet and competing in this weight loss contest with Bart. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I kind of forgot about the last time I scheduled or changed it. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it ends and, uh, or you know, the contest ends and then I'm kind of in this new way of eating, which is I basically live by and eat with a keto lifestyle, which is high fat, moderate protein, no sugar, no carbs. I get my, my net carbs come from vegetables, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, that's basically how I eat. Well ever since I've...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eating like that, I wasn't even really paying attention to it. My browns changed too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, I kinda realized that I wasn't having these crazy violent explosive shits all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then this weekend, you know, I'm mostly a good boy, but I decided like, oh, you know, it's okay to have, you know, have fun every once in a while, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so we're out and we go, uh, hey, you know, what do you feel like? And I go, I feel like having like a, I want to, I want to have like a sugary


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I haven't had, you know, like I said, a French toast in forever, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I go, you know, it's fine to do it today and then you get back on the horse, you know? And you just do it for a meal, you don't do it all day. So, and I also take the stuff that, that helps me afterwards, uh, it's like, has like direct- Vomit? No, it has ketones in it and everything. I take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We go. The french toast is delightful. It's, you know, it's great. Dude, within 10 minutes of eating it, I can feel the bubbles in my gut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Rich can do it to anyone. Oh, creams? Like pasta with cream sauce would do it to you? Something really rich, something really greasy, that can fuck with anyone's butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I thought that it was interesting that I haven't been indulging in sugar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A sugar indulgence and boom goes the dynamite. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember I got to the bathroom on Saturday and I was like, oh, the fucking bell!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, 12 hours later, everything's back to normal. Next few meals are back to normal. Normal shits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who knows man, but now I'm back to farting like a man. Oh wow. Here's a clip of you from last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see by the way, this was amazing, that the president of the United States called us out by name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but somebody sent it to me and my mouth dropped. You gotta be kidding me. Especially with everything going on right now to be directly mentioned by name. It was, it's pretty remarkable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pomcast. You know? You know what Pomcast is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and a new, uh, I guess there's a new policy about deportations as well. Have you seen this? This is a new thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yeah, suggest, it looks like it's already about to become long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite thing is that, you know, now him and us together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, possibly. Possibly, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is really specific. My whole thing is, do you think the people, the most hilarious thing would be people watching this video in, what, Korean? He's Korean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are traveling there and being like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, but nothing is more absurd than a foreigner trying slang, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are definitely should not be trying this. Cause if you're traveling there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried on a zip up jacket, you know, like a casual zip, zipper upper. And you're like, you're on the new season of Star Trek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my jam. What is this here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, now we know, because I'm naked, but this is all you're seeing, Julie. Now you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're listening only, you can't tell, it definitely sounds like a woman, but if you're viewing, you know what I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It almost feels like you indulge in sweets after you watch that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I support you, but I support a dental visit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. That's not a strong voice. No, the first one was good though. Yeah. You know what? It looks like someone took hammers to her, to her, to her teeth. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, then, I mean, you can't, uh, you can't wear it on a date, but you can, you can't eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big shows, big shows coming up for, for Zim. And I'm going to be in Bethlehem PA this Thursday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where Jesus was born at the Sands Casino. There are still some tickets left. Uh, come out. If you didn't make it to the Philly show or the Atlantic City show, make the trip. Come see me at the Sands Casino. Uhm, what else? I'm going to be at Foxwood's Casino in, uh, Meshantucket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On Friday, it's sold out. Three shows at the Wilbur in Boston, those are all gone. But, uh, the following week, Green Bay, Wisconsin,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then two shows in Detroit, Royal Oak actually. And then four shows in Chicago at the Vic. There's only tickets available to the fourth show, which is on Sunday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, on a Sunday, uhm, all eight shows at the DC Improv are sold out. And then, uhm, I have added shows in Titsburg, Pennsylvania, in Burlington, Vermont, in Fallis, Texas on 420,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, a few more. Portland, I added a show in May because of the April shows being sold out. And I've added a show in Meat Rattle, Seattle, Washington.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, very excited about all of them. They're all at TomSagura.com on the tour page. Thank you guys for supporting me and coming to these shows. This tour has been an incredible amount of fun. I also have a bunch of dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and including some international genes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shop there, eh? Yeh? Lookin' hoeser? Yeh? Hoeser. Hoeser. Hoeser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I know we mentioned it last week, but I didn't feel like we really got into it. I mean, I don't know, maybe we did, but it's enough, it's big enough to emphasize that it might be that you just have to dehydrate yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know we talked about it, but I don't know. It was just such a revelation that I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once your kid's a year old and you can lock him in a crate, leave him a bottle. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leave my diaper change. Easy peasy. Take this one off clean. Put this one on. Big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, you can't even nap when you hear a kid like, making noise, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're only, you know, 20 minutes away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and at the very end he goes, thanks Janes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, yeah mommy. You're like, this is fucking amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, it totally changed the whole, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazed. Crazed jeans. Uhm, having a lot of laughs, too many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they go, and they go, this is exciting. And this is fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn you. Can you imagine, but isn't it funny that that's his line of work? Sewage? Well, I mean, the guy's so grossed out by, like, his line of work. It's not like this is the first pipe he's done that to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? What is wrong with you? You're ruining the show right now. You're ruining the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He read me jokes. Oh no. Oh yea, I gotta get him over the phone. Did you record it? No, he called me out like I was driving. And he was laughing so hard. And I was like, where are you, how are you memorizing these? He's like, nah, guy emailed me. And I'm like, great. And he was getting them wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna see a funny video? Show this in class tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cause light and the sky, cause light hits the sky and it turns blue. That's what I would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sun, the gaze hits the air and makes it blue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The gays are in the sky and they love blue. So that's why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my opinion, he should have gone through Lincolndon, uh, as a favorite of mommy, and you could text Rick and let him know I keep, I need ten. Keeping him high and tight from Virginia. Alex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hey mommies. I have, uh, I don't have anyone that I feel I can ask about this in my personal life. Uh oh, here we go. And you always seem to have rock solid advice on things like this. I have issues with my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It itches sometimes, which I think is kinda normal, but I also have issues making brown. The cleaning up part more specifically. I notice when a co-worker comes in to make chocolate next to me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Others sound like they wipe two or three times total. It seems like I work way harder than them to, not to mention smashing hair into my asshole is like rubbing it with a, what, a pad causing it to bleed sometimes. Would shaving my ass be a recommendation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would recommend at this, well, you would make at this point. Thanks, Jeans. Love the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joel, Joel, interesting question, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been down this path many times. There's two things I can tell you. First of all, the answer is yes. I think, uhm, I know I've done it before, uh, sometimes you hear me talking about it, like, I gotta make that appointment again, I gotta get that done again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It absolutely changes your clean up game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your clean up game, when you have a hairy asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not fun, it's time consuming, it's uh, it's honestly stressful and losing all that hair, I mean, you'll, you would be amazed. I would consider, I wouldn't, I would actually wax it and here's why. It sounds scarier than it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you think it's gonna be like this unbearable pain? It's not. It just feels like, like just, yea, you just feel a little tug. It's not anymore, it's not someone stabbing your asshole. The hair has come out like anywhere else. It feels fine. I would recommend doing it. The other part of it though, I think the drawback,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people will tell you you're gonna maybe sweat more or cause there's nothing there to collect it. No, I think it's definitely a reasonable thing. But as we mentioned earlier in this podcast, maybe a diet change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, that's a possibility. I would say that, I think just for a life experience, try waxing your ass once. If you're a hairy guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's disgusting. I'm gonna throw up. What? What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. You gotta use a lot of toilet paper at the office. And an airport. You go through half a fucking roll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the thing is you gotta manage that role, you know. But I would definitely bring water or wet wipes into... Wet wipes. Yeah, in there. Wet wipes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am an insurance adjuster for property casualty and liability claims. Unfortunately- Is this a boring video? No, no. Unfortunately I could not record this for legal reasons. But I was in a house yesterday and it was a good two hour drive to get to the location.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the way down, I was listening to the podcast and almost out of reflex, the missus of the house offered me a water and I thanked her saying, thanks jeans. And she said, she said, sure thing, mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A look was exchanged and we started laughing. Needless to say, the inspection took longer than expected as we proceeded to use most of the catchphrases while discussing her claim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If my son wins his regional wrestling tournament this weekend, I will send the video because it is bound to be a huge dad boner on my part. Stay classy and Tom is the water and personality champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Well Rob, good luck to your son. I hope you have a huge dad boner and lose your mind if he wins. Me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that I'm the burp champ, but if you look at the video or the playback of this podcast, I've definitely-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] King of Improv is a great, great reference. Uh, for those of you that don't know, that is a Seagal reference. He, uh, in an interview,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really good genes, uhm. Gosh. Let's see, uh, there's another one here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was sent in. This was sent in. That's hilarious. Uh, well, I mean, I guess it could, but I don't know. Uh, Blue Band told me this had come in. It was a dash cam recording where the guy did a full pullover with Gene's language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And finally, uhm, some, uh, you know's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many noses is this guy gonna drop? Too many noses. You know, I feel like, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His name is Dustin, and I think we couldn't say his last name before and I still can't say it. It's Bifuglian. He's a hockey player.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, that's a jet. See, it's a jet within that leaf there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? You know? God, he really, he really did a lot of you know's. You know? You know? I mean, he's almost at top dogs level. You know? Remember the you know? Top dog, you know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't believe, I knew that my dad was bad, but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Yeaah. It was uhm, it was way more, uh, than I wanted to see at that time of my dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I didn't want to, I didn't want him to, to, to shit in front of me. No, nobody does. He was nice enough to, uh, he was nice enough to hang up to wipe though. I don't know if you remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, those assholes are taking them down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't feel like it's that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. Uhm, all right, we should go. Uhm, there's a lot of fun. Thank you guys for listening as always. Uh, go to yourmomshousepodcast.com. TomSagura.com. ThousandRanch.com. Anything else, Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You hungry? I'm hungry too. This is, uh, uh, it's called Ultra Humongous Whale Penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the kind of touch like everybody loves when at the salon they shampoo your hair. I do like that. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good look. Five years old. You short pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is it, this is the week I start my tour. I'm out of retirement, out of baby retirement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing One Nighter, September 27th, Tacoma Comedy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, September 28th, I'm at Portland at Helium. October 4th, Hyenas in Dallas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] October 5th, Houston at shh. It's a secret group. Secret. Now the thing with hyenas, and I didn't say this before, there's two shows, 7pm and an 8.30pm. One is in the plano room, and then one is in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. A 7 o'clock and an 8.30 at Hyena's Comedy Club in Dallas, Tejas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes no sense. It makes no sense. But hey, if you want to come to 7 o'clock, go to that one. If you want to come earlier. October 23rd, Indianapolis, Morty's Comedy Club. October 24th, Cincinnati, Go Bananas. December 9th and 10th, uh, DC Improv. How exciting is that? That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna bring so many farts. Oh, guys, if you shop on Amazon, and I hope you do, please use our banner. Uh, go to yourmomshousepodcast.com, click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage, do your shopping as you normally would. It just kicks back some change to the show. Makes our lives better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How come you can't put both, right, why don't you put both thumbs in your, your cooch hole and pull them apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you watch an hour program on television, or if you listen to radio, they have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna hit, are you gonna hit me? I had the, mine's on, mine's on air, airplane. Look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to burp and then there was barf under it and I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be great. Guys, we're so stoked. We're going to move into a new place. We're going to have a fucking dope ass studio in a little while here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that couch. Just so you know, the sound studio we're getting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the guy, the guy, the guy who owns it, owned it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that couch has like stories to it, right? And Ice Cube farted on that couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The day of moving, we bring our shit there and we test it out. And if we don't like it, that company that we use, they take away the stuff you don't want. So like, no harm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's smart. I like her. You know, I love her but you know what she hasn't thought about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But her tits are real sloppy and they're moving around a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if it's her? I'm giving you permission.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's such an old dad thing. This animal. Well she is. That's what my dad says. This fucking animal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With his cute little thumb rings. He's one of those dudes with thumb rings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, we've been getting these emails from people in academia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. You know what I love is when people think you're famous enough to have someone managing your social, it gives me a thrill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because for some reason the video never loads quickly, like it, it's like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's a fake thing. So we don't play that because we are aware. They weren't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're talking normally and everyone in their head is translating it to retarded voice right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's mad because she can't get a decent avocado on the east coast. Everybody gets mad about that.