[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the production is great on it because it's all grainy. It looks like they did it in a webcam. It does. And then Veronica Kane is live from Afghanistan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh-uh. I like how they speak. I wonder if that's actual... Uh, we cut out three quarters of the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I wonder if they let Veronica go after that. I don't know. I mean, what's worse, getting beheaded by them or... That's a good point. That's them all spinning on her. Oh my gosh. That's the torture. Who got off better though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want bamboo under your fingernails or you want their dicks in you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One instance? How often are you getting beaten?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you would just go to therapy. That's, that's, uh, like how long is their...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dildo session. Oh, it's like three and a half hours. Oh fuck. I could do it. Yeah


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would prefer rectally probably. So would I. Because you can fart all that shit out of you. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can basically shit jizz out of you. You can't get it out of your gut. I have to check with a doctor friend of mine, but I think you're correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did my fantasy football draft a couple weeks ago. I know you like would you rathers. I've got one too. My high school friend posed one to me that I thought was very interesting. I think you'd particularly enjoy this one. Uh oh. Okay, so I'll pose it to you. If you had to sleep with Tom, but it was your father's brain in Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People would think you were crazy. Some people don't choose that one. Isn't that weird? They're fucked up, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would try to- I would choose the vehicle over the brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do you stand? Where do you stand? She's like, I mean, it's cool. And you're like, cool. Cool. Are you like an activist cool?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, saying it as a guy to a woman, that brings up an interesting...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do it, but I would be hesitant still. It would take a lot. I'd have to maybe have a few glasses of wine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm proud to have come out as polyamorous, and now I'm excited to share that I'm bisexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all in on the Teddy Fresh. Of course, this is our brand. I said, listen, if you don't go head to toe over the top in the Teddy Fresh, I'm not coming on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, sure. Thank you for clarifying that because I was, a lot of people have been talking about that. Yea. The whole ETHA thing. And you're worked up about it. A lot of people have been, yea, so thank you for clarifying that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Ila's name, it's like simple, but also the hardest thing to say in the world for an American. Like when I first met her in Israel,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing, what I love about Brown Town, is why I like to visit there so frequently, is that uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's this secret world, not so secret in our lives, but in most people's lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People have their own techniques. They come from the front. They come from the back. They come from the side. They use bidets. They have baby wipes. There's a whole wealth of knowledge that we as a society are not building upon. We write books about science, about math, about psychology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm. Hobbies of all sorts and sizes, but there's no collective knowledge about brown. And I think that some people do it wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I like to say the first time I ever got fingers was when my fingers slipped through the toilet paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to run the marker dry. I'm not the kind of guy that it's like, hey, it's just one of those days, so I gotta get in there. I'm scooping, I'm rubbing, I'm doing whatever it takes. Because, and frankly, I don't understand these anecdotes you hear about these guys that have shits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll assume that maybe I didn't wipe enough. That's my first assumption. That's why I'll go get toilet paper and see what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I wonder, there's just so much, there's just so much to talk about. You know, like women, they all talk about their periods, they share information, techniques, but we all shit. All of us. This isn't, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? There's no argument about uhm, oh I'm not, I don't identify as this gender. You still shit. You still shit. We're not debating that. Right. So I just, I don't understand the lack of dialogue about it. So what do blind people do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I was in Canada recently, and to my great


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Surprise, they had these wonderful Japanese toilets. Which city? This was in Quebec. Okay. Am I r-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has a front squirt, which I was like, oh what the fuck is that? And I squirted my taint. Yeah. Feels good. That was interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just kinda like moving all over the place. Is that? I was like, oh shit, the vagina's kinda there. Not that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a very, the front one was very close to the back one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, is it not an issue that if you're squirting...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna splash some shit water. The problem I had with it was that I was squirting and I was squirting and water was running down my balls. Like a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, like, feel like you understood something new about yourself in that moment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, I'm not gonna go full door open, but like crack a jar. See, that's one that we don't do. That's our boundary. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I, well Hila's like, we gotta get a, we gotta get a plunger, and I was like, just give it a minute. And she leaves the room, and then you hear inevitably the, the earth, the earth took it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last time I went on a serious diet was, it was, I had this moment, I was tying my shoe and I couldn't breathe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not that I was exhausted, there was so much pressure on my lungs, I couldn't literally breathe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was like warning sign. Yeah, that's when I lost like 15 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm actually a really good model. Really? Yeah. Can I get an asshole shot? I'll give you an asshole shot. I can do- With the fanny pack over your back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tyra's like, ugh, I love, she's so insane and I find her hilarious. I know, it's so great. Have you seen the Vaseline clip? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let me set this up and just tell you that this is not a parody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So type, just on YouTube, Tyra Banks, uh, Vaseline giveaway. I see it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's got diamonds on the box. It's got rhinestone on it. It continues on, she has like a, she starts like, seizureing in the, but I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is classic, oh, a little kip there, like, hey. It's the foot in front of the foot you gotta do. Yea, like, you're prancing like a pony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was, when I was like, when I first started going through puberty, she was like popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's enjoy, let's uh, I actually, I wanna enjoy this video. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is a tender, beautiful thing. It is, yeaah. For a state, for an actual government organizi- like, be like, these guys-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They need someone to touch their dick as much as any of us. More, maybe. Sure. I mean, I might try to be disabled if...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the lady. Dude, that guy's having a time of his life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think that being blind really is that much of a hindrance of getting fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cuz there's like diseases that make like old people look like children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you fuck, like, that's, like, as the sex worker, you have to fuck, like, you know, like, a person that looks like a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of. Were you, well not to that extent, but I mean like, when you get a hundred bucks and then you buy some beers and sausages and you're fully content. You know what I mean? Sure. That's that version of that. Yeah. That's true, right? But so, is he scamming anyone or I guess I just didn't understand what's the crime. This guy? Yeah. I was confused too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to confirm. I heard that's what I heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really leaning into the R word. I mean, I'm just trying to understand what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Took us like two years to get, I think, a thousand subscribers. Two years. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's like, everybody's rise to YouTube is different because it can happen. You know, there's people that will grow to stardom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was nothing at stake, there was no, uh, delusions of grandeur, there was no expectation at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was very much, I mean, our early videos are fucking so off the wall, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, like unwatchable, so I'm not surprised at all that nobody watched them for that long. There was quite frankly no reason to watch them. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was a lot of just trying to find my voice and my style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very much, yeaah. I mean, I wanted to, uhm, I wanted to work in comedy. I never thought that I could be a performer. I thought like, oh, maybe I'll write.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just a content manager, cause I, you know, I have a degree in English and writing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when you go to Israel, that's actually like a marketable...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Skill, which was crazy because I was looking for a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a year, and then when I moved to Israel, all of a sudden I got an actual real job. So that was cool, it was exciting for me at the time, because I didn't think that I would ever...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, whatever. But, so five years working a job that I eventually wasn't satisfied, cause who the fuck is satisfied with that work, and just saying that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna do comedy, so let me do something about it. So I just said alright, I'm gonna start making some stupid videos on YouTube, and over the course of two years, kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So at that point though, let's go- I like the tears- Woah woah wait. How long ago was that? Three years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically since we moved here, so about three years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we were very, very focused on like the craft and the presentation and the packaging and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were like perfectionists and we were just solely committed to creating like one video a week that was like the best thing we could put and we-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had like a, a job that was going really well and I'd worked there for a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had just decided basically that I wanted to keep this, I don't, I think I was probably making like, you know, one thousand dollars a month from YouTube at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was not a lot, but it was like, hey, that's a little fucking money. Right. So I quit my, I just said, fuck it, I'm going to quit my job and I'm going to commit myself to doing this just because I want to give it a fair shot. And, um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my mom was trying to get me to become a teacher even-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was, they lived in Vegas and we, when we first immigrated to the US because we got Hila a green card after we got married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, are you sure you don't- they have this great teacher program out here, and even at the time I was probably making like five, six thousand dollars a month, like doing like pretty good considering I was a YouTube entertainer. Sure, that's like great living. I don't know, but my- I never really heeded much advice from them, frankly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, absolutely. I never went back to work after that, and it steadily paid off, and I mean, like, Hila was like, hand-stitching these little, we called them Jeff Dunham fuck dolls. Cause I- I'm obsessed with Jeff Dunham, I think he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The phenomenon of Jeff Dunham fascinates me. He's a fucking ventriloquist, racist, white trash ventriloquist that everybody loves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, everyone will come. Like, crazy. But it's like nobody was like, hold on, this guy's a fucking ventriloquist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's all stop and just think that this guy's actually doing comedy with puppets right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the craziest tangent, but I had this Jeff Dunham fuckdoll, which was like this mutant aborted fetus, and I would do these really fucked up puppet shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's awesome. Because Hila first wanted to... Well, Hila's plan was always to become a designer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very hard on our YouTube channel and we just thought like hey, we've got this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Opportunity, we've got like the capital and we've got the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, yeaah, I think we probably spent like a hundred thousand to start up with like lawyers and clothes, and then getting the clothes, paying for the clothing. But the hardest part is finding good manufacturers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very, very difficult and everyone's very, very tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a black hole, I mean we didn't know anything. We were fortunate to meet some


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some guys with a small clothing company of their own reached out to see if we wanted clothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we end up being like, hey, maybe these guys can help us out in the right, so they helped point us in the right direction, which basically helped us start developing the first kind of collection that Hila put together that was really successful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the gut reaction, you live with the shame and the guilt, but in that moment, you know, you torture yourself for the rest of eternity, but you either die for your partner. Dude, it's not even, to me it's no question. You thought about that a little too long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's right. It's gotta be accidental. Oh, I just stabbed the guy to death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're understanding that, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, and so there's a lot of debate about like, okay, we're talking about murder. Well, this guy just, you know, raped a bunch of people, which...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uh, if, so like, if you find out that Tom is a prolific rapist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instagram sucks me in more. I'm on like a full social media detox. Sure. I have like even, I have YouTube, Twitter, and Instagram not on my phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just think it's good to... I don't wanna be that guy, it's just a personal thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to ALWAYS outlast you, but lately, I don't know what flip- something flip was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I don't sleep. And those are like, long sessions. You're fully awake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he can wake up at 2am. You put your pre-pumped milk in the tit. The baby can breastfeed from this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have an alternate explanation because sometimes this happens to me and I feel bad. The question is who parked first. Sometimes you're forced to park like an asshole and then the other asshole leaves and you look like the asshole. And that's unfortunate. He's not pulled in or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The swag. Yeah. Interesting. She lives there, uh. Batata means sweet potato in- in Hebrew. That's right. Yeah. Really? Batata.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know there's two meanings to scatting. One involves shitting and the other is like, beep-bop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't like scatting or you like him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a nice, ours is closer, is like really close to Ventura. So there's a lot of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing about transients, and I, I hate being like, judgmental, because, you know, I feel bad for, I wish we took better care of homeless people in this country, but, the thing that scares me about these transients is that I just feel like they're loose cannons. Like they're unpredictable. Oh, because of mental illness. Yeaah, they're just unpredictable. You know, one minute can have a dollar, the next minute,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were hanging out all the time when we were there together. And we just stayed in touch via, you know, email and Skype.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you were seeing a long distance. I didn't know much about your boyfriend you had in Israel. Let's talk about it. Was he interesting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ripped. No, he was, I think, I saw a picture of him. He was, he was ripped, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't, no, it's not good. What's out there? The same shit, except you don't... Different food, different flavors. Do you, do you not like traveling? It's okay. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the moment? You know what's the moment I enjoy when I get a fucking like lunch and I sit down? That's true, that's true. There is, it does feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem, the problem with us human beings is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not yet. We have to wait. What can you do? I have that problem like every fucking weekend. Like what do you do? You do. You gotta eat. That's it! Can I tell you what I do? Hila doesn't really like eating, I have to tell you. No, she doesn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't really enjoy that, I go that for him. I do that so that he's not all energetic and like driving me crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this bit. You guys wanna throw up a bit? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if we can do that. No, we can't throw it back in. Oh, cause it'll get flagged. Off the air I'll show you a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But uhm, King George is this really hilarious character cause everyone's all like scrappy hip-hop like trying to build a nation and King George has like these really hilarious bits where he's so out of touch and he's singing like classically. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, in a- in another sense, do- I don't know-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they need to go to prison for fucking each other. I mean kids, fucking kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are amazing. I'm trying to learn from you guys. You guys have almost 500 episodes, you do one episode a week, that's incredible. You guys are pros. I'm trying to learn from you guys. Oh please, we're a mess. We're terrible. No you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That whole story is fascinating to me. The most fascinating thing about Woody Allen fucking his stepdaughter and marrying her is that they have stayed together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't like he's around fucking kids, like, they're still married going on 22 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I gotta see the impact again. I'm just confused. Yeah. Cause I thought, I thought I saw combustion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, I admire him so much because he knows exactly what he wants and he wants it so bad and he's so open to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that- that desire to get fucked. So, that's a meth thing, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you do it? Bro, I take that shit like, it's kind of crazy, you get this big bottle and they're like huge pills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, I'll just take a couple with every meal. You're supposed to take like eight a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, dude, it's crazy because I usually have like really, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Noxious shit. It's like really toxic. I mean, not just smelly, like I'm talking like sometimes you'll get shit on the side of the bowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not everyday, it's a special occasion, but sometimes you're wiping like your thigh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me put it that way. Not every time, but sometimes you're wiping your thigh, and you're like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's- why are we not seeing these videos? I mean, we-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like watching, uh, professional athletes. It's not that you want to learn to do it. You're just, you know how to play. You're just, will never be that good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the online views are crazy, like millions of people are watching online. To see a guy playing a game. I guess you know. It makes sense when you actually explain it. It's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Professional athletes, just the same. Same concept.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we make. Yeaah. They're called reaction videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I find it difficult to be funny when I don't have, I don't know. I'm not good at like writing jokes, so I feel like I need something to direct my... Yeah, but then you end up making jokes about that. Yeah, I don't know. I don't like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't- I'm afraid of doing like, America's Funniest Home Videos shit. Oh, yeah, but you're not doing that. No, you're not doing that. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was really, he was really healthy. He was. So people are meant to watch this and get turned on? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I say something like that I really admire about him and people like him? You're turned on? No, I just, I like that they know what they like. That's true, yeaah. He turned down money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he does it for the love of the game. Yea, he's, you know, he's got rules. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, these are all your fans. Probably. Dear King Asher, but where can I donate money to have you make a video for me? Also, do you accept? Also, if you accept, can you do a shout out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I try to stay away from this. I don't even read mine. It's just, like, as a comedian or traditional media, there's just, there's a layer between you and people that doesn't exist at all on YouTube. Right. It's just, there's no separation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not trolling, they're just like, uh, making a video about it cause they know we'll get a lot of views. Gotcha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't look somewhere and see ticket sales.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, you have this like YouTube algorithm, so there's a bunch of people that are angry at us right now, cause we made- whatever, it doesn't- it doesn't really matter what, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's like this feeding frenzy of everyone making videos like talking shit about us. Got you. So then YouTube algorithm is suggesting this video, like you just saw this video of someone talking shit about us on the sidebar. So it's like it creates this ecosystem. Like we saw this one channel that has like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No subscribers, gets on average 300 views per video, and they made a video being like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just gonna be like, Ethan, Hila just left here. We got shit to say about it. We're gonna do a total exposed video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's weird, and the part, it's weird, yeah, it's weird, because they don't really know who we are, but they're just, you know, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, I don't know, it's weird and that's why it's so difficult for me too because I feel like I didn't do anything wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Part of it, it's so painful sometimes, or difficult, is that you can't escape it, like, I'll open YouTube, and my whole homepage, like right now, is just full of H3 hate videos, because YouTube thinks that because I watch H3 videos, or anyone that watches H3, wants to see, so it's like they're pushing it to all of our fans, and it's on my homepage everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YouTube has this fucking insane algorithm that knows that everyone sees that video is like, what the fuck is this? And clicks it. So showing it to everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's kinda, it's sweet in a way, knowing that you can create a whole ecosystem of hate videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why, like, well we were joking about it the other night, or last night, wasn't it, when we got dinner? Oh my god, that was two nights ago. No, it was two nights ago. Okay. God time. Well I was saying like, for me it feels almost like a bee sting, where you get, when you get stung more, you become more allergic to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm just, I, I think like I'm in a really like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weirdly points you towards it. Yeah, you crave it, you crave it. It's, and I know that and that's why it sucks because I'm right now fully disengaged and I think that a lot of our fans are bothered by that because I'm very public. I say I don't, I don't read any comments. I don't, I'm not even on social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the shame is that there's a lot of great people that I would love to connect with. But for me right now in the place that I am, it's like you have to take, if you don't want the bad,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you can't take the bad without the good. It's like you either take the good and the bad or you don't take any of it at all. That's true. And I don't think I can take any of it at all right now. Then don't. That's your right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hila Hackman and Ethan Edwards, my middle name. H3. He, he was taken. Oh, gotcha. So, H3. Nice, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a fucking template. A script. You have a motherfucking script that a fucking monkey can read.


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[Assistant] You don't need any motherfucking case studies. How many fucking times do I have to say? You have the fucking script!


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[Assistant] The last thing you fucking need is a fucking case case study.


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[Assistant] Let's just take Florida for example, which is one of the fastest growing condominium, beachfront condominiums on the planet. In the prospectus, when you invest,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now one single investment prospectus written since 2000- this century has alluded to global warming. Now one motherfucker!


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[Assistant] Of this world, no, it's not gonna happen. Otherwise, you couldn't get a goddamn loan in London. You know those 30, 40 year mortgages? The world will be over by then. Is Barclays Bank gonna give you a motherfucking loan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, this woman says she came from Florida to find love. Now she claims the man she's accused of stalking is her soulmate because of her superstitious beliefs and a particular number. Following the number 33, I used to wake up every day and every night.


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[Assistant] Boop in someone more easy peasy to make you shit in his mouth. Like that.


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[Assistant] I've never had done that before and it was an experience for me.


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[Assistant] No, no. None of that. That was the only thing I did.


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[Assistant] What you're gonna do is you're gonna take his penis and push it as far back in your throat as you can to gag. When you gag, your mouth waters and your eyes tear. This allows you to know that you're doing it correctly. This is a bummer. That's a bummer. Yea, it bums me out too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you were at the Louis CK show? What'd you think? I can't believe how big a stick was. Really? Did he masturbate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. That's really something. Kinda makes me wish I'd seen it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what he used it for. Because he wanted to have, like, Scott sex and I didn't agree with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that's all I wanted to do was stand-up comedy. You know, so I was hanging out the improv and stuff and, and uhm, one day Marc Lanau, who was Bud Freeman's partner, business partner, uh, sat down next to me and goes, hey, you ever think about acting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said, not really. I just kind of, you know, I want to do stand up. That's all I want to do. Yeah. You don't think about acting because sometimes there'll be a casting agent will come in and see you in the back room and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Want you to come in and do a cold reading for their pilot or whatever, you know, it could be a good thing. So, um, also he taught acting. So that was his pitch to me. But I did take up acting and I did a lot of workshops and, um, and I was glad I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just started drinking orange juice. I never used to drink that much of it because it had a lot of sugar in it. I'm trying to cut down on my sugar intake, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also I used to have oatmeal every morning and that changed about two weeks ago. Right now I switched over to eggs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh well, I'm, I'm the king of oatmeal. I'll go back to it too. And I'm just taking a little hiatus. We've been, we've been on eggs for a while.


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[Assistant] Well, I think genetically I was, uh, kinda lucky because when I was on high school, I looked like I was 12 when I graduated.


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[Assistant] If you look at my high school yearbook picture, I really had no body hair.


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[Assistant] I was so embarrassed because I was so far behind everybody. Yeah. And uhm, and I had, I was 5'8 when I graduated high school. I'm 6'4 now. What? Yeah. You were 5'8 when you graduated high school? 5'8 and I had a lot of baby fat on me and stuff.


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[Assistant] Yeah, average size maybe, a little lower. Um, I'm not sure what, uh, see as a tall person, you don't really think about height.


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[Assistant] And that's what I hear a lot from people when they first see me. They say, I didn't realize you were this tall. I said, I know, I just realized it the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Yeah, it's upsetting. How tall you are. Yeah, because, yeah.


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[Assistant] It's like when you expect to have like a, uh, a nice big corn on the cob and all they have is like a corn dog. Oh man. You weren't, you didn't have that pictured in your head.


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[Assistant] Your TV's not that big either. I tell people they need to get a bigger TV. That way they'll see how tall I am. Yea, how tall you are. I'm not like 5 inches tall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I grew up in Connecticut. Bridgeport, Connecticut. Not proud of it, but I heard they just got a new comedy club there. The first comedy club. In Bridgeport? Bridgeport, yea. Where's Bridgeport? It's about an hour and 15 minutes north of New York City. Oh, that's really close. Long Island Sound, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was really afraid of New York City, uh, growing up in Connecticut because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it was a big city and there was all these one-way streets and the New Yorkers were tough, you know, and so I, and it was hard to drive in there too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you had to get on the Merritt Parkway and then get over to all these other freeways and stuff and the traffic was going fast. And so I didn't go in there that much, but really the first time I went in there on school trips, you know, in the museum, but the first time I, I, I, you know, looked at a comedy club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I drove in there, and I went to see the Catch a Rising Star, and the comic strip, and uhm, uhm, the improv.


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[Assistant] And it was just, I was like a farm boy going into a city, you know, it was just lights and cars everywhere and you know, but uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting back to the, uh, genetic thing, I think that, uhm,


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[Assistant] I really am, my body is taking a toll because I played football and rugby and soccer growing up. So I have like, I got a new hip like three years ago. Did you really? Yeah, my right side. And, uh, my shoulders are like really sore now. I think there's probably arthritis in there. And, uh, and then when I pee, I get this pain in my back. It's like a kidney stone. Every pee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, only kinda like after I worked out or did a hike, you know?


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[Assistant] Are you guys doctors? I can do it. Okay. I can do it. No, I did have it checked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well again, I'm at that age now where they don't find anything wrong. It's just a mausoleum. They're just like, you're dying man. You're breaking down. You're decomposing. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I have had kidney stones before and that's not fun.


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[Assistant] The juice helps, yeaah, no. Uhm, water helps, a lot of water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know what that word means. So... P. No, you know what P means. You know what P means. But I did get a, uh...


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[Assistant] That's. But so anyway, I did that one time and they found nothing up there. How painful was that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even though they numbed it, it was still kinda like, uh, I just stopped short of saying, take it out, take it out, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a fun, here's a fun one. When I was 23, I had a bump on my neck and I went to some doctor back then in Bridgeport, Connecticut. And this is when you could smoke in the doctor's office and he was smoking a big cigar and he reaches across his desk and he feels it with his two fingers and he goes, okay, what you have here is a, a tumor. And when he said tumor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pushed a button on me right there. I was 23. Of course. And he goes, well, I call it a tumor, but it's just fatty tissue. It's fatty tissue, but we'll take it out, you know, just to do a biopsy. I'm sure it's nothing. So I went into the hospital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just got out of college, you know, and I'm ready for my whole life. Yeah. And uhm, and they put me in a room with another guy who had just come out of surgery and they wheel him in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, he starts waking up and, you know, he's awake and he's, uh, you know, kind of recovering and like an hour later, I'm going in the next morning for surgery. The nurse comes in and says to him,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you, uh, have you peed yet? And he goes, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I haven't. He goes, okay, well, you're going to have to pee soon, otherwise we're going to have to catheterize you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, no, that's not gonna happen. That is, there's gonna be a battle in here. I want ginger ale. Give me a lot of ginger ale right now. Ginger ale, tracer ginger ale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think the epidural would be an epidemic, like opioids, if it wasn't so difficult to put in with that needle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My son and I, we are creative farters. Yeaah? Yeaah. I love it. We, uhm, we make it a, uhm, entertainment thing. Yeaah, of course. You know, like, it's like shooting a gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we've taken it to new heights. You know, we will, you know, lift the leg up or, or, you know, and whenever I do it, when he's with me outside, like he'll get really embarrassed. I look around, make sure nobody's looking. I said, buddy, buddy, I'm a pro man. I've been doing this for years. No one's around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeah, my wife has never farted. One time she let out a squeaker.


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[Assistant] She's from the south, so she's very proper. Ah, where's she from? Nashville.


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[Assistant] So uhm, you know, she's a southern belle, so I try not to kind of do it around her.


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[Assistant] How long is long? Cause I did it for uhm, six months once. Oh, I did a year.


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[Assistant] But you know what happens? You uh, congratulations first of all. You go, well maybe I'll just have a little piece of that scone. Of course. And that's a trigger. It's a trigger. And then it opens up the gate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone was telling me that if you had, um, if sugar was just discovered now, they would never approve it. Cause it would be like too addictive. I totally believe that.


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[Assistant] Much people consume it. It's really crazy. Have you, here's a great thing to do.


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[Assistant] You know, I just, you know, and I say the first 10 minutes because everybody plows through their stuff. I usually finish my popcorn before the trailers are over. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. But I remember Pee Wee Herman that time. Yeaah, yeaah.


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[Assistant] No, but I've worked in theaters before, and I'm sure you have too, where they say, you know, this used to be a vaudeville thing, and then the last thing was a porno theater. Yeah, that's true. But, um, but I will tell you, I used to be a bartender at the improv when I first moved


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't like I was a bartender. But who was frequenting the improv?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you, and then remind me about this story about the Muscat Theater.


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[Assistant] I was, I first night I walked in there, I knew the improv was the place in LA. So I came out here and I got a job. Uh, I'd be friend of the bartender and he says, Hey, we need a bartender for like Sunday, Monday nights. I can get you a job if you want. And I've never bartended before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I kind of, uh, you know, boned up on that. I got the Boston bartenders guide and I kept it behind the bar. I refer to it a lot, you know, but the first time I went in there to sit at the bar, even to my right, I'm looking in the mirror and it's this weird looking guy and I'm looking at him and it's Marty Feldman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's a guy sitting next to me, we start talking and he tells me he's the original Ronald McDonald.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, Dottie Archibald and George Miller and, you know, Jay Leno and Letterman and everybody. Steve Martin called one night said, looking for Bud Freeman. He wasn't in. He wanted to know if he'd come down to a spot. I said, yes, yes. You're on the phone. Yeah. And then I see, you know, like, and then the back room was packed with comics that were,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had such a charge to them, like, you know, well, like Annie Kaufman would come in, Robin Williams would come from Mork and Mindy with his suspenders on still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, and I hear myself talking about this now and it seems like yesterday. It seems like yesterday and all of a sudden we've jettisoned like, you know, 38 years from then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, um, Jay Leno would ride in on his motorcycle, um, uh, Richard Lewis packed, a lot of these ex-pats would be in the back room, New Yorkers, you know. And then that place, that front bar became a real hangout for a couple of years. It was like that dance club. They fucked up so hard with their remodels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so, so, you know, long ago, yeaah. So, I mean, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But back in the, like, the early 80s, it became like a dance hall, you know? Yeah. I mean, I remember one night, uh, Roy Scheider came in with, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, the people that came in there, it was just staggering. That was the spot. That was the spot and I was there at that time, you know, and to see that. Um, but yeah, there's just so many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got to, uhm, you know, when you start off doing stand-up, you go to as many open mic nights as you can and you watch as much comedy as you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you really couldn't tell where they were going with their bits. And you were doing your version of that. I was kind of doing my version of it. And I always liken comics to uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like verbal magicians, cause it's misdirection. You're not really, you know, they, they try to, part of the laughter, it's a surprise of what they're about to say, you know, cause you didn't think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The subliminal stuff, uh, interestingly came from, uhm, I was getting late night spots at the comedy store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, things weren't really working that well. And uhm, but I was making friends uhm, at the club. And not just comics, but actors would come in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And actors I would recognize from doing bit parts on shows like Laverne and Shirley and Mark and Mindy and happy days, you know, back then. And there's this one guy Ed Peck would come in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was this tall guy with a deep voice like that. He did low and brow commercials and he also played a cop character usually on those TV shows. And he took a liking to me and we went to Cantras one night and he said, I'm gonna do a thing called tagging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tagging. He called it tagging and it was subliminal basically where he would talk to the waitress and insert a subliminal word in there when she wouldn't hear it because he would bury it, you know, and, but it would be real profane. You know, he'd say like, uh, well, let's see, honey, I think I'm going to have a cheeseburger, a hooker and why don't you also give me some french fries without your dirty whore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he encouraged me to do it in my act. So I started doing that in my act. I love it so much. Thanks man. And then when I got to SNL, Al Franken kind of, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, associated with subliminal advertising, you know, we thought that would be kind of funny to write up a sketch where I was a subliminal advertising guy, and you know, inserting those words into my conversation to get people to do what I want. And it was the first sketch I did at SNL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, you know, it's terrifying enough to go on that show for the first time and do a sketch, but this one had like two conversations going on. I remember I was about to go on, I'm not sure where it came in the show, but it was my first sketch and maybe only sketch on that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're five seconds away coming out of commercial and Lor Michael comes up next to me, puts his arm on my shoulder and he goes, are you sure this is what you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But you know, they, it's, it's funny the way thing people try to make you feel comfortable. Yeah. Before, uh, you know, a pressure situation, but getting back to the pussy cat theater. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a bartender at the improv. I would usually finish up about 2 in the morning, 2.30, 3 o'clock by the time I counted all the money and made the bank receipts out and then I had to drop the money off at the bank and a little canvas bag with a lock on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I did that one night and I was driving down Melrose to my $135 apartment down by Paramount down Melrose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in front of me, it was kind of foggy out, you know, and I see this figure walking down the middle of the street and as I get closer, I see it's a girl in a white dress and she's staggering and she's crying and her makeup is all running and she's, she's a mess, just several mess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I can't, you know, she's trying to stop my car. So I slow down and I put my window down just a little bit, you know, cause I don't know what she's all about. Yeah. And she, um, she's crying and she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said, I'm so sorry. You all right? She goes, yes. Could you take me to the, I think it was a pussy cat theater. It was a Kit Kat club. It was a strip club, maybe. And she, I said, oh, okay. And she gets in the car. Big mistake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I don't know where the Kit Kat Theater, there was one on Melrose, I thought that's where she wanted to go, cause I would go buy it all the time going home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she wanted to go to the one on Santa Monica, I guess there was one. And, uh, and we're driving and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, I'm Santa Ma-ka. And now I'm thinking, oh, this is a mistake. I said, you know what? I, I, I, I won't have to let you out here. She goes, I have a gun. And I said, where on Santa Ma-ka is it exactly? But I dropped her off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she kinda fell out of the car and I ran around and picked her up and got her on the sidewalk. I mean it would look bad for me like if I'm dropping her off like I was like her John.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that stuff so much. Nipple's such a funny word. It's silly. That's a great word to use, nipple. I know like Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks were talking about, or maybe it was Carl Reiner talking about, they had to have a number, like in some script for maybe the Dick Van Dyke show or something. Your show shows maybe. And they were trying to think of what the funniest number was to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you that, you know, I have a real problem with drive-thrus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cannot resist like doing some screwy character, you know, when I'm ordering and even if nobody else is in the car, you know, I get in there, hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two colors, two. One white, one brown. And then I'll drive through and they'll hand it to me. And I'll go, which one is chocolate? Which one is chocolate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the great thing about Starbucks too, you could write anything on that cup name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks, Jeans. Kinda sounds like it's a regional kind of a thing someone might say like in Minnesota or something, you know. Thanks, Jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just thinking something, the drive throughs, uhm, yeaah, it's crazy, there's people who work all the time, so they're not thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, when you're at his level and you've had that much money, I mean, you know what it's like when you start making money, you stop looking at what things cost, especially in a restaurant. You know, when you're just starting out, you're like, Oh, that's $12. I can get this for $8. I'll have the $8. Right. Or I'll just order off the menu and not do the buffet. Right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But so I guess at his level, he's, it's so long, he knows he's made a lot of money and he's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit at a time you start spending left and right. It's like compulsive. They said it's like a disorder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be. Oh yeaah. Yeaah. And he's not famous broke, but that was a thing he thought about a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I grew up in a middle income household, you know, we weren't poor, but we lived in a blue collar, like neighborhood and stuff and I went to public schools mostly, high school I went to, private school, but uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I paid for my own college, bought my own first car and stuff, so I kind of knew the value of money. I worked in a factory and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, wash dishes, all those kind of jobs, so I kinda like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what I want to instill in my kid too. Like, I hope he doesn't have to work the crappy jobs I did. Right. But I want him to know the value of money. Yeah. Yeah, so uhm, I'm always kind of aware. You are. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I still look, you know, I still look at prices and stuff, but, you know, I don't spend, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still, you know, I buy things that I like and I want. Sure. I'm pretty good with the money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing is I love doing it. I love what I do. So it's not, it's not hard. You know, I'm always looking for things. I'm just trying to, trying to stay engaged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've, you know, I was just talking to somebody about this before. I know a couple of billionaires. Do you? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're, you know, like billions of dollars. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are really good with their money. They're not like, you know, they're, I won't say they're cheap, but they're very kind of thrifty, you know, and they know they're not going to just throw away a bunch of money to invest in some film or something. You know what I mean? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They know where it's going. And that's how they became billionaires, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, it's good that he got divorced because his wife is saving half of his money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll have to remarry her later, and at least he'll have some kind of a savings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, for those guys it was for Sandler and, and those guys. Yeah. But I was, you know, I think, um, by then I was married. Oh, you were. I mean, the first couple of years I wasn't married. I was dating Jan Hooks for a couple of years. And then I was dating another girl in LA. I'm in New York for like six months and then I got married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so I didn't really have that much, uh, singular freedom, you know, on that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they also protect it a lot. They put a lot of that stuff down on the floor. They do, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I've worked in homes before, other people's homes, and you know, I'm using their bathroom. I'm not using the porta potty. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd step over that yellow crime tape thing. For sure.


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[Assistant] Maybe we can make a lot of money by just building a building that was perfect for a lot of different shoots. Why don't we do that? What are we waiting for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shot a movie called Grandma's Boy down there. Oh yeaah. In that building. That was part of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeez. Suckers. Wait, before I forget- Why aren't we managers? That's the truth. They make the money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's what my psychology was on that show, the first time I did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The year we came on, I came on with Phil Hartman and Dana Carvey and Jan Hooks. Jesus Christ, I mean. Those people, yeaah. And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Heavy hitters man. The show before that also had a good cast but the synergy wasn't there with the writing. You know, it was like Robert Downey Jr., Anthony Michael Hall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Julia Louis-Dreyfus, you know, was a great cast, but the writing wasn't there and the show was plummeting and they were about to cancel it. Excuse me. So, they brought our cast in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kind of a last resort, I guess. One more chance. And so we lived out of our suitcases, like every week. We weren't sure if it was going to get canceled or not. You know, so we were doing our best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this was a consideration for me. Am I going to like just freak out because of the stress and being on stage? It's SNL, you know? So what I did was, excuse me, I, I pretended that nobody was watching the show anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, just go out there and have fun. So that was my mindset. And I thought the cameras didn't have film in them, you know, and, um, and I was used to playing in front of a live audience from standup and that audience is not that big there. It's only like 300 people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so it was kind of fine. And then the next day I found out a lot of people watched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, uhm, it was my first sketch, Subliminal. Oh, Subliminal. Yeaah, I just came out of the gate with that and I wasn't even a cast member, I was a feature player the first year and a writer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, I was walking around with Jan Hooks who was an amazing, you know, sketch player.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had no experience as a cast, you know, as a sketch player or characters or anything, you know, and I was getting recognized. So that kind of was baffling her a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That came later for me though. I had done, like, uh, I had done


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five years. At that point? Without doing Weekend Update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a weekend update for three years, and then a year not doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The evolution of being recognized, you know? Sure. Cause I had done like the Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff as a standup, so I had some recognition, but when I got- With Carson. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just took off, especially in New York City, you know, you kind of felt like the mayor, but you know, it went from this, like, uh, uh, Hey, you got dude from NBC. Hey, did that do it? You got dude from NBC, right? And then next week, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was doing Weekend Update, people, I really didn't like to write.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they, and so they had enticed them to come write jokes for me. They would put out a breakfast spread like a buffet in the writers wing on Saturday morning and they'd have newspapers all over the big writers table and you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] AP photos, cause there's no Google back then, you know. So uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel, by the way, that it's super intimidating of all the things to do weekend updates. It is. It really is. It's a lot of pressure, right? It is a lot of pressure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But people would come up, you know, a few writers would come up, the newer writers would come up who weren't that good. And then some of the other writers like Al Franken would always come because he was such a political junkie, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And norm and don't come up but you come up just have breakfast read the paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then so I had to like hire people outside the show to fax me in jokes. And I would pay them out of my own pocket 50 bucks a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and then I write my own jokes too, but you couldn't, you really couldn't start looking to write material until Friday night, maybe after the late night talk shows were done, you know, cause they're, they're covering everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Saturday morning, it's like you wake up and you get like five papers and you start looking through them and you start writing jokes and you know, and hope that the writers come up with something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he wasn't really in a lot of sketches. We could focus on that. I was juggling, you know, I wasn't my full focus and I was working with Herb Sargent, who was a segment producer of that show and he was up in his seventies, you know, and, um, and I would meet with him like in between, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dress rehearsal show in a live show and go over the jokes that worked and didn't work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, and then I had to get back down to like work on my sketch and, and so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go back out to Weekend Update during the live show and some of the jokes that we had talked about losing were still in there. Because he didn't. Because either he wrote them or he liked them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and I didn't really realize it until the next morning. I'm laying in bed, kind of going over everything, you know, I'm thinking that joke wasn't supposed to be. So he knew that I was not focused and he could do kind of wow. Sometimes not all the time, but sometimes he would do that. Yeah. Yeah. So it was, um, but it was fun. I loved it. I loved, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saturday nights were just, they went so fast, you know, and I always avoided like the parties, the after parties. You did? Yea, at first they were fun, but then it became more of just a thing for your guests to go to. Oh, I gotcha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, because you know, you don't get there until after the show and the show ends at one o'clock. And then by the time you're cleaning up and everything, getting the limos, we each had our own limo that would take us to this different restaurant each night, each Saturday. And then, you know, cause that was a big deal for your friends that were in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guests were the biggest problem on that show. You're worried about them getting their seats when you should have been focusing on your sketch or whatever. You're worried. Did they get in? Okay. Are they in? Okay. You're okay. You okay? Good, good, good. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to meet you down by the limo afterwards. Okay. Okay. We're gonna go to the party. And then the parties weren't even really parties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they were fun, but they, you know, it was at a restaurant and you go there, you sit at your own table with your guests and their necks were craned the whole night looking, um, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get out of bed, yeaah, because uhm, because I love that it's a free day and I don't want to waste it, you know, but I'm exhausted, you know. And the next thing you know, it's Monday, uh, evening and you're meeting with the next host for the new show, the next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. But it was great. I had fun. You know, I was young at the time and I could, I could handle it. Did you have a least favorite, uh, guest that you don't mind? I didn't like any of them. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, not really. Everybody was really on their best behavior. People ask me that, who was the worst host, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody is terrified and so they're on their best behavior. Right. And they want to be your friend. So they're making friends. It's like you were like, you know, in the battle somewhere with somebody. You want to, hey, watch out for my back. That must be so intimidating to walk in and they're like, you're doing SNL this week. Oh, I know. Especially the actors that weren't used to live performing. Sure. Like the film actors. Yeah. They were terrified, some of them. And, um, I felt for them. But, uh, the first one I did was with Sigourney Weaver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The very first one? First one. And uhm, and I remember it was such a hard week, it's so much work, cause you know, you're putting everything into it, you wanna, you know, it's like your last show you're ever gonna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember at the end of the week, she was saying goodbye to everybody. And I thought, wow, she gets to go on with her life and do other things. I'm staying here with another week like that. Nine years of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. But, you know, when I see those people that host it, every one of them from those nine years, even some of the musicians,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like best buddies. It's like they remember and they know you because it was such a moment for them. Sure. You know, a bonding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, just everybody that's been on that show. It's like a lifelong friend. Where, before I forget, you're going to San Francisco? I'm going to Cobbs in San Francisco. Wait, is it this week? This weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'll be at the helium, uhm, funny, I'll be at the helium, uh, what's it called? Helium Comedy Club. Which city? Portland? I'll be at the Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia. Philly, that's a great one. When is that? That is going to be... I can pull it up. You can edit this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes sir. It's a theater. It's really nice. They have one on Key West too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when I first started doing stand-up, Johnny Carson was the game in town. You know, he was really the only late night talk show. And that's what you, uh, you know, wanted to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's like passing your bar exam as a lawyer, you know, for a comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So everybody wanted to get on The Tonight Show with Johnny and it was getting near the end of his run. So I was, you know, everybody was getting a little desperate. You know, they wanted to get in there. At least when I came on the scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so Jim McCauley was the talent coordinator at the time and he would come into the clubs. He'd be around the clubs, you know, watching different people. Whenever he was in the room, it was a heightened, um, anxiety because the comics knew that he was there and some people would cancel cause they didn't want him to see him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Or someone would try to get on so they could see him. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think I auditioned maybe twice for him, or I didn't make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was so nervous. I'd only been doing stand-up for, you know, four or five years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had sweat running down the back of my legs. I was so nervous and I never could pass the audition for the Tonight Show. And.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I remember at the improv at the time, if you were on The Tonight Show,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody would be in the club that night and they'd be watching it on the TV over the bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, just the one TV. And the room would get quiet. You know, you bring out the comic, who would be working at the end, you know, as a regular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the comic would come out and people would just be cheering and they'd be applauding. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I auditioned again for him, but it was for another show. It was for the Mike Nesmus show. The guy from the Monkeys. You know, the band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a producer. And I thought, well this time, and it was Jim McCauley, the same talent coordinator, uhm, was casting for the Mike Nesma show and also the Tonight Show. So I thought, I'm gonna do the material I think makes me laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, for the Mike Nesma show. Yeah. And I don't care about Jim McCulley or the tonight show. And I get a call from him the next day saying good news and bad news. Uh, the bad news is we don't think you're right for the Mike Nesma show, but we loved your set and we'd love for you to do the tonight show with Johnny Carson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, you gotta do five minutes. So I would do my five minutes, like in front of my real set. And all I would do 24-7 for those three days was go over my act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had been to tonight's show a lot of times when I first came out to LA. I would go there because the tickets were free and I knew the, I knew the routine. You go to the guest relations building, they give you a ticket and you come back at, you know, three 30, you get in line and it was like watching a Vegas show every night. I saw so many people that I knew exactly what the format was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew that Fred de Corvette, a producer, would come out and talk to the audience. Doc Severin would come out. You know, I knew the songs the band played. Johnny would come out, say a quick hi and then they'd start the show. So I knew exactly what I was getting into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Monday rolls along and I, I, I'm on my way, I'm driving out to the Tonight Show. I can't believe it. And I park and I see Johnny's car parked in a spot there, right by the entrance. I walk by it and my heart's just like beaten like crazy. And I go to my dressing room and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get into my, my, you know, my suit, my jacket and tie and I go into makeup and Johnny stops in real quick and he wishes me good luck. And I can't believe it. That was Johnny Carson and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now Jim McCully's there, the talent coordinator and I'm behind the curtain. I know the band is playing. I know every member of that band cause I watched them so many times and they're coming back from commercial about to bring me out and Johnny introduces me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm walking out and I know the floor is shiny black, you know, and the band is finished and, you know, there's still saliva dripping out of the trombone player's instrument and, um, and they're applauding still and I'm standing on my mark and the last clap ends and it came back to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know my material so well, you know, by rote. I don't even think about it. I'm just doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm thinking I did that tonight show and Jim McCauley's back there all smiles. He said, you're great. You did great. I think Johnny's don't go away. Johnny, I think wants to talk to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, because it went a little long and they don't have time for the last guest, so he wants you to come out to the panel. And he goes, what can we talk about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I felt like saying, get out of my way. Johnny wants to talk to me. You know, I don't need you anymore. But he goes, Oh, don't worry about it. You got plenty of stuff. So I went out there and had extra stuff that I hadn't talked about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, I was like in heaven. I never had experienced this before. Nothing like that, even with SNL and weeds, any of those shows. And I'm sitting there and I'm doing, he's setting me up perfectly without even having any, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, questions. They just fell into place. That's how great he was. And I remember him throwing his head back laughing, a little smoke still coming out from a cigarette from the break, you know, and for 30 years of smoking, you know, and I got off of the show and I was floating. I felt like I was injected with some kind of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I watched it with a pillow in front of my head, but I knew everybody was at the improv watching, like I used to watch everybody else. And I still have the answering machine tape from my answering machine from all the comics that called afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I said, to this day, it was the highlight of my career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you, you just, and I had, I didn't even have my notes in my pocket. You know, I was just going, I was going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a surprise. I thought it was gonna go the other way. How much time do I have? You got two minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was such a great thrill for me. And I don't know how many times I did that show. I mean, some people know exactly like Tom Dreeson. They know exactly what the tonight show. Yeah. And I don't know how many times I did it. And I, I did it with a lot of guests, the host too. And I think, I think he stopped having me on his show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After one of my appearances there, because I didn't know he had a DUI. You know? Yeah. And.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came out, it was around the holidays and I said my opening joke was I'm getting ready for the holidays. I don't know about you, but I'm getting ready for the holidays. I've been doing a lot of drinking and driving, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I finished my set and then, um, now there would be, by the way, a think piece about Kevin, but Jim McCauley, the coordinator calls me, he goes, uh, I w the opening joke, um, we didn't go over that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, believe me, I don't throw anything in at the last minute. That was part of the set. He goes, yeah, that was, you know, cause I, when I watched it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they garbled it all up. They did? Yeah, my opening joke. It says, I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting ready for the holidays. I've been doing a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, and I don't specifically remember, but that may have been my last time on The Tonight Show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, believe me, had I known he had a DUI, I never would have done that. You know, haha, but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't even like to, I cringe when I think about the conversation you might have had with Macaulay afterwards, you know, my idol. Like, say, what the hell was that all about, you know? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I've had, you know, when I, my teeth came in when I was eight, I fell on a, you know, a pavement and I broke them both. One of them died, got all brown. So I've had like, you know, crowns on the front. Really? Yeah, so that, and uh, you know, I've had six root canals. Six?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mostly molars in the back. And then one of the front ones, cause I killed it, you know, I died, I died. So these two are fake? Well, the, the crowns. The crowns. Those are nice though. The little nubs underneath them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In fact, when I went to audition for Man with a Plan, the show I'm on now, with Matt LeBlanc, I had a chemistry read with him. I was at the dentist that morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my mouth was all numb with Novacaine at that thing. Yeah, because they had more work they had to do than they thought. And I barely got there in time. I was like zipping over Laurel Canyon trying to learn my lines. And I go in and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I read with, uh, you know, in the side room with Matt LeBlanc, he comes in, and you want to read the lines a little bit? So yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, my mouth is all like, I can't move the side, I'm trying to do my best, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he said later, he told me later going to the producers and he said, uh, they said, how was he? He goes, you know, he's pretty good. His timing is good, but you know, I think he might've had a stroke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's not true. But it was like kinda really numb. But I do remember seeing you there. I wasn't, but I remember thinking, man, I hope, I hope he, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Likes to kind of like give me information to debunk what I'm doing. Yeah. Says, I just read a report where they say flossing doesn't help. Oh, bullshit. Yeah, it's gotta be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if it doesn't help, it gets the food out from between your teeth. It can get old and smelly. Yeah. Cause I don't brush, I just floss. Yeah, there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is a lot better than the portagena I got her for Mother's Day the year before. She did not like that. No, not at all. Yeah, she was insulted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, loves it. She loves it. I don't use it that much. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I used the office, the bathroom in my office, but, uh, I did sit on it a few times. I love the heated seat, but it's got a mind of its own. It's going up and down all night long and there's water fizzling out and stuff. And sometimes when I'm going to the bathroom, the seat will go down automatically and I got to hold it up, you know, but it's a great, uh, it's a great machine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's got all different speeds. I don't know if yours has the speeds that we have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well ours is black and decker, so our highest speed is fracking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But those are a great invention. They really are. I recommend it for anybody. Yeah, wash the chocolate away. Save money on toilet paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be great. No, I would love it. I would love it. You ever travel? Like to the show Traveling? We did years ago. Now it's just- Like closer to my house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we'd do that. Yeah. Do you want us to do it at your house? But do you ever do it at a comedy club? We have. Yeah. And that wasn't satisfying or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just like doing it in the studio. It's more fun this way. I like it too. Yeah, I'll definitely come back. This was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's fun. It's fun. But yeah, it's Man with a Plan on Monday nights on CBS, 8.30, 7.30 Central.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, I have a little show called Hiking with Kevin on YouTube. Hiking with Kevin on YouTube. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had, uhm, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. will be on this Thursday. Really? Yeah, uhm, yeah, a lot of fun people. Bobcat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] youtube.com forward slash kevin neal in comedy or hashtag hiking with kevin


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's bananas, Gene. I don't think people understand how fast your tickets are going. You're selling out, uh, big theaters within, within hours, minutes. So if you guys want to go see Tommy, go get your tickets right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. It's Oklahoma, I thought. Oklahoma, you're right. Sorry, I mispronounced that. Uh, we've had the 10 o'clock show, uh, San Diego, California, November 24th. That's Thanksgiving weekend. Get out of the house. Come see me. Get out of here. Get out of here. Take a hike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and my gorilla tits and I are telling Joe, I want to call this tour, these tits were made for talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was going to tell you guys too, what I started doing, uhm, is doing VIP things. So if you, it's like, I reserve 50 tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds similar to this guy. Simular, sorry I said that word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Starring, uh, none other than the fantastic Joey Diaz, Yamanika Sanders, we got Big Jay Okerson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The set collapsed, I was, yeah, literally the door fell on me right before I went out and the crowd was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well do you have the sound drops that we can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it was because of persistent arousal, genital arousal disorder. These people, there's a documentary we got our hands on, uh, where these people just come all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I gotta tell you, I do think I get to fly under the radar because I'm just a lady. Yea. I got to say crazy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did all this crown molding right here. That was my favorite part of that video, is he was like, see this house? I built all of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you not been swept away by love, like with me? Every morning you probably wake up and you're like, I'm so in love, I'm so in love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Simon. I would hide your guns. I would hide your drugs. Thank you. I would lie to the law for you just so you know. Damn. When was that? 2014? Do you have the date on there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you exactly, Simon, what changed. Uh, it's called Julian and Ellis Segura. These are the two children that my husband and I have made together. And when you have children to protect, you think differently about stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, would I help you hide guns? Yeaah, I still would. I'm just talking about, listen, there's a lot of crimes I would stand by you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of crimes. Why can't I talk today? I'm so frustrated. Uh, there's so many things that I stand by you for with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But first degree premeditation murder, when it's something so arbitrary, because it means you've snapped, dude. If you've snapped, it means you're going to snap at home eventually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about this? Listen to me, Yana. What if I do help you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're finding out because they're finding out. I don't know how they found out the neighbor saw us. So now I go to prison too? You want both of us to go away? Who's going to raise the kids?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a maze. Excite. Wow. Your genes are so high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow! Now for those of you who don't know the history of the Cincinnati fart, uh, it was when I was pregnant with our first son Ellis and we were in Cincinnati for a wedding and I'd eaten on the boat buffet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I- It wasn't paleo. It was not, this was before we were eating like that. And in the hotel room of the Renaissance 618, I had the longest, loudest fart of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know if they're, if my fart smelled like cum though, that one's a little, were we butt fucking when I was, uh, six months pregnant with them? Were we?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well she's been studying this for a long time. I mean, here's the thing, I like her product.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I like too, is she says that they're all personalized. Like every boob is different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That has to be one of the top ten weirdest shit. That's definitely one of the weirdest clips I've seen on this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Collage or whatever she's making. No, I don't. Wind chimes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I already decorated our house for hollow jeans. I went to Michael's Arts and Crafts with a kid. Oh, I'm so excited. I love it all, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool. So explain how that works. It, it calculates points dependent on your effort, meaning like how fast your heart beats. Yeah, heart rate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last year, I thought that was really funny to put a bracelet on Burt to monitor him. Basically what that does is tell you if he drinks alcohol, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that made me really laugh. So I'm a little bummed that we, we can't do, we should do scram braces on all of you just to make it fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, number three, I, I, I'm restless, but that's always how I, I think what it is, is I get, I get bored, yeaah. I need to be intellectually stimulated. But I see that as a sign of intelligence, right? Am I, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is an extensive, that's just the first five questions. First five, yeaah, there's more. We should be taking these independently and, you know, having them evaluated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I think that, you know, I don't think that your, your sociopathy, your no neuropathy problems, I think it's more about your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rage. I see you one day acting out of rage and being impulsive with your anger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, see, but people like me read that and I don't think of people as winners or losers. So you'd have to agree with them to use the language there that there are winners and there are losers in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. That's what I'm saying. You're, you're, you're interpreting it, I think in like the Tony Robbins sense. Yeah. I think they're interpreting it as like a callous way of referring to somebody who's just a fucking loser. You know what I'm saying? Like I agree with you. Like, like the way my dad would be like, you hang out with these fucking losers, man. Meaning like people that don't have their shit together.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, these tests are kinda, I don't know. Uhm. You're definitely something wrong, but.


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[Assistant] Wait, I was such a dummy in high school. I got into college on academic probation. No, I got waitlisted and then I got in on probation. I had to take a college success class when I got there. That's how stupid I was. How'd y'all meet?


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[Assistant] Now let me ask you a question about your time in South Africa with us. Uh, Tom and I ate so much on that trip that we actually had to go shop for bigger pants. Did you get fat in Africa too?


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[Assistant] Finesse, I hope you're asking for consent before you change your infant's


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[Assistant] Well that's, you're at the turning point, so are we. The 12 week mark is almost here and that's when they're out of the newborn and they become babies. So now you can start sleep training maybe four months right when the doctor says you can or whatever.


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[Assistant] But it's fucking hell. I hate this beginning part. It's my least favorite part of having children.


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[Assistant] It's true though, it's all, it's genetics. I mean, there's things that I can, I'm good at swimming, I can play tennis decently. Those are the two things my father's really good at. And I just, that's easy.


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[Assistant] Let me tell you, your wife, we ran into you guys at the hotel, she was only days from giving birth.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so did you, did you have braces? No, I had no shit. Any root canals? Nope.


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[Assistant] Here's the thing. Let's be realistic. You're going to be kind of laid out for a day or two. Coding. You're going to take your pills. But if they get, you have to keep them clean and then it's painful. You can't eat really well. You're not really infected and whatnot.


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[Assistant] He's gashes in your mouth, right? You had this done all at once. Yes. Well, maybe you're superhuman, but for me, the day is ruined. You got to take your code. Yeah, I would say the day up.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? You're fat, you're breastfeeding and staying up for all hours.


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[Assistant] I think seeing jizz in like a dixie cup type of thing is different than it organically happening as a woman because I've eaten that. It's not, it's not the end of the world, but when it's presented in a cut like that, it's nasty. That is so gnarly, dude.


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[Assistant] If you're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me at $23.95. If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot, man. Free food, free rent, and everything else, man. It's a deal, man.


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[Assistant] Men from jail, homeless, or uhm, you're a thug, you wanna come, move in, a friend can move in with you too, man. Free rent, you get a lease on a key, fuck me, piss on me, beat me, a home man out.


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[Assistant] I'm looking for hardcore guys that mean it, wanna do it, and I wanna deliver it. I'm a hot, spotlight trash. Come dump this fuck.


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[Assistant] Light blue denim, practically white denim. Eyedish buck, high up, brown braided belt, and then sandals with socks.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Sound Studio does that. Records you in robot voices.


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[Assistant] Girl, boy, boy, girl. I love short leg titties.


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[Assistant] The service I think is great. It's a great club overall. I would definitely, I'm gonna go back there for sure.


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[Assistant] Light jacket. Where did you get that from? Wait, is that a wrapper thing?


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[Assistant] Uh, come see me 11-24, that's code for November 24th.


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[Assistant] Uh, at the House of Brews in San Diego, Mandiego, California. Excuse me, what? Did I mispronounce it?


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[Assistant] It's a hard L. That's how you pronounce that. Go ahead.


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[Assistant] That one's, uh, almost sold out. And then the 8th, I've added a show at the Grand Mercy Theater in Jew Dork Titties. The 10.30 show. Now this is, guys, this is way out in December. I know you're thinking, I know you're thinking, so far. No, get your fucking tickets now, uh, girls and boys, cause this shit's selling out.


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[Assistant] His schedule, my schedule, I got two little ones that I give a shit about. You know what I'm saying? I gotta stay here a lot.


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[Assistant] So I'm only doing select cities, select dates. I'm in, I'm out. It's very quick so I can get back to my family.


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[Assistant] Of course. So if you want to see us, I mean, don't, don't sit on your hands and fart.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you how, I actually feel very honored that you chose this as the opening clip.


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[Assistant] Uh, I, as you know, I love Instagram. I'm fascinated. I think it's a reflection of, you know...


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[Assistant] Well, it's what you think you are. It's what you want other people to know about you.


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[Assistant] And you know, silly things, but for instance, I know this guy, this gay couple, they're very reserved in real life. Like, what? On Instagram, it sticks out practically, the two of them in each other's laps, and like, it's all overtly sexual. And I'm like, you guys are not these people in real life.


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[Assistant] I love Doug Tape. I, uhm, I stumbled upon Jada Pinkett Smith, who we've had on the show in clip form, uhm, Years ago. Years ago. And she's got this new- Yeah, yeah. She's so fucking crazy. So she's got a new show now, uhm, where she talks about her feelings a lot.


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[Assistant] And her Instagram has been fascinating.


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[Assistant] I kind of did, you know, I don't know, but then upon further examination, I think what you're saying is watching mommy here.


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[Assistant] Do this on social media. This is why, this is what I live for on Instagram.


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[Assistant] Do you know what I'm saying? I like the attractive pictures of people. I actually like pictures of people.


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[Assistant] I built pyramids constantly. That was from 9-9-14. That's code for September 19th, 2014.


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[Assistant] Well, no, hold on. Okay, let's go, let's go deeper down this rabbit hole. So one wonders, well, why does that kid feel like they should be oversharing? And well, because I remember hearing Jada one time on an interview, she goes, you know, there is so much talent in our house that we cannot hold it back.


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[Assistant] Our children are so talented. And I was like, wow. And I'm talking, this is when Jayden and Willow were like 12, 11, 10.


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[Assistant] Right, like she's got all kinds of dudes in her pocket that she talks this nonsense with.


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[Assistant] That like, they, you know, she thinks that they're her friends. She's got, she's got a group of nutbags that she talks about. There's no way Will Smith's listening to this.


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[Assistant] That is so fucking true, Tommy. Like, that's the observation of the century on this.


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[Assistant] She needs to be fucking committed. That's so true and the reason, and the reason I'm like kind of considering like listening to her is cause she's famous. She's famous. And she's pretty.


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[Assistant] Wait, or Burt Reynolds, let's say. He was pretty entertaining in some films. Turns out he's beating the shit out of Lonnie Anderson. He was a real asshole in real life. You don't know what the fuck that guy was like. Right?


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[Assistant] So, case in point, it doesn't mean that if they can play smart on TV that they're smart in real life.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we just give her a lot more leeway on this stuff. She's pretty. But man, if you guys want to get some prime entertainment, you want to look inside that, the window of Jada Pinkett Smith's psyche, go to her Instagram page.


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[Assistant] Well, I would say you and I are actually introverts.


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[Assistant] I understand what she's saying. No, yeaah. I-I get it, and I get it on an emotional... I just...


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[Assistant] I just imagine like, like we were saying, like the personal relationship between the husband and wife, like you haven't hear the shit fucking 24 seven. I'd be like, God damn it. There she goes again with this nonsense talk. Go see a therapist, go see five, right? Absolutely.


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[Assistant] Of course I'm gonna turn you in. Here's the distinction, it's very important. Now, would I turn you in for involuntary manslaughter? No. Or even a lesser...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, charge, but lying in wait, first degree, murder.