[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. God damn it. That would be the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A car seat? A car seat in the back? Yea, I think you're right. God damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi there, my name is Dr. Joe Court and I'm going to give you reasons why straight men have sex with men. They're not gay, they're not bisexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My whole, uhm, specialty is with male sexual fluidity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We give her wiggle room but we fetishize her. When men have a non-heterosexual thought, we stigmatize him and we tell him he's not straight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] False. Wrong. I really want to get rid of this myth. I really want to get rid of this stigma. And if you stay with my TikTok, you're going to hear all the reasons why straight men have sex with men. I'll see you later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, every time, well the very first time even that you showed my videos, people just from TikTok and social media, they're all like, oh my god, you're on mom's house, people I don't even know, you know, and they want you to come on their show, you know, so then it happened again when you did that last one about apologizing and they said they want you on the show and that's how I heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was that I didn't know. That's why I didn't- and then I was like, is this real? You know, cause I mean, I'm a therapist, right? So I see lots of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, uhm, I know it's very unusual to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what I see, so I, I do, I deal with a lot of male sexuality and a lot of sexual trauma. So in my office, a lot of the cases started out as straight men having sex with men because they had been sexually abused by male perpetrators. And from that, then you end up as an adult returning to the scene of the sexual crime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We as trauma therapists, we know that when you're abused as a child, if it goes unhealed, you're going to recreate it as an adult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So the majority is, is the number one is the trauma. Then I see men that want to have prostate stimulation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they want to receive anal sex. They would love to be what's called pegging, having their wife peg them, put a strap on on and peg him. And a lot of straight guys are into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the women are, see that as gay or that he feels too ashamed to tell her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and I, they come to me and I have to say to them, listen buddy, your anus doesn't have a sexual orientation. It doesn't know whether it's gay, straight or bi. It's an anus, you know? There's lots of gay men that do not, like, I'll tell you, I do not have anal sex. I have never had anal sex. It doesn't appeal to me. It's not erotic to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I call myself a side, I'm not a top, I'm not a bottom, I'm a side. And uhm, it's not like my butt has something to tell me, you know, like I'm really straight some day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, but it is changing. A lot of the younger women are more than happy to do it because they love it. It's the guys that are ashamed because of the criticism. You saw the criticisms on, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's so unfair and that's all I'm trying to do is challenge that and say, men are just like women. Women might do it more relationally, men do it more transactionally. They just get off. And the other thing I just want to make sure you all know is this isn't always about anal sex. There's lots of ways to be sexual with another guy that doesn't involve anything with the anus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good question. I can only speak, you know, from my clinical experience and even my social life, right? Where people are admit things to me because they know my specialty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's more common though than we think, because, and it's just because men don't talk about it, if they do, like we said, they lose their heterosexual identity, nobody believes them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. And so that's, I'm glad you brought that up because that's another, that's probably the third reason guys will be sexually engaged with another guy. Kink and fetish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, some guys like their muscles worshiped. Women aren't gonna be, oh my god, you got the biggest dick, the biggest muscles, and be all about them all the time. Where gay men are. Gay men are more than happy to let a straight guy know all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, he wants that and it's erotic for him. It's not about the guy giving it to him. It's about getting it, getting that adoration.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're afraid to tell women because they have their own shame and they don't wanna lose their women. Once they start talking like this, a lot of women say, where did you get these ideas? I don't even know you anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I always thought that women would be more worried about, um, STDs or STIs or HIV. That is a worry, but that's not their primary worry. The primary worry is he's going to leave me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because then he might want to leave and he has a gay or bisexual identity, but a lot of the guys that come to me do, but many of them don't and they're really just straight men who just want to get off. And sometimes they want to be a little verbally abusive. They want to, you know, slapping, spitting consensually and they don't want to do it to their wives or their wives don't want them to do it to them. So they'll find a guy to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and I always say that I say, I can't guarantee this. I mean, one time I had a woman, the very first time I convinced this woman, I said, just try pegging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put on a strap on, and if you don't like it, abort. You know, just stop. It doesn't, it just don't, both of you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have a high pain tolerance threshold for that and they like it. And you can see there's porn out there that they're getting kicked. You know, the whole thing, they're, they're tied down and weights are hung. I know they love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's too bad. Well, so, and I, oh, it's too bad. I know because it sounds like you want to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, jackoff groups. And a lot of the jackoff groups, a lot of straight men, because they not only like to jack up, they want to be watched jacking up. They want someone to say, wow, look at you, you got a big load, you got a big, whatever. And then they leave and it's not about, they're not attracted to the men in the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, a lot of guys would, you know, here's what I would say, women want to be told they're beautiful, that you're dressed nice, I love your hair, and guys want to be told that they're handsome, but they want to be told


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the same way, tell me my dick is huge. Tell me you want it every minute of the day. Tell me you want my load. It's a love language of a male style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I saw people being more careful, but I didn't really see people stop finding other people to hook up with. I was kind of shocked by that because, I mean, to me it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, what they would put on pause are exchanging fluids, right? But then engaging in other things could still be done, right? So genital play, those things, but they weren't kissing as much. Some were, but some many were not. The spitting stop, that kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Straight couples are the worst. They do not talk about, uhm, you know, sexual health conversations, what they like, masturbation, if they watch porn, read erotica, and with COVID, you had to. Now, people have elevated. I've seen straight couples talking about sex and negotiating and consent and all that, uhm, which we should be doing anyways, but they w- married couples weren't doing it and they're doing it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It works out in the sense that they're having more sexual health conversations, like I said, talking about jealousy. You know, I always ask even monogamous couples, have you negotiated your monogamy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People look at me like I have two heads. What is there to negotiate? Well, can you masturbate? Can you send out dick pics? Can you receive them? Can you have a webcam with somebody in Romania? You know, these things are, are, need to be negotiated just like in open relationships. Open relationships do it better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, there's more of a trust because they're discussing things. And trust can still be broken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what ends up happening is if there's a main couple, they last, but what they end up attaching to may not, may come and go. There may be a coming and going of what's going on around them, but there's a secure attachment between the couple, but they both have to want it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you very much. Of course. And I appreciate that because it is very serious business to me. It's very serious issues and, but I can also laugh about it and take a joke. So yes, play it all you want. You're the man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been doing this, I wrote a book about it, and I have been doing this for quite a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super viral and people are duetting and they're stitching and it's all over the place and from that I'm getting even more attention


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it will stay, it is underground and it will stay that way as long as people keep reading the comments of what they're saying in my, I mean, it brings out so many different things. First of all, it just challenges patriarchy. It challenges the straight man. You know, straight men doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I identify as straight as a straight guy. Yeah. This is what I'm trying to tell people. I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if people don't understand they want, it has to mean for whatever reason that it cancels straight. That's what I keep saying. And it does not any more than a gay guy having sex with a woman cancels as being gay or even a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not necessarily, because there are straight men that can have sex with a man and an emotional connection with the man, but only that man. That's called sexual fluidity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we all have the capacity, no, we all have the capacity to be fluid. Women, it was originally studied, have that capacity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can be sexual with somebody, get it on with another woman and she goes back to her heterosexual life. When men do it, we don't allow him to go back and it's contextual. It's not like Tom's going to be on a beach all of a sudden looking at men the way I do. It's going to be an experience and contextual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you something because I know people will comment on this. Why would you say you're not bisexual? That's what people ask me all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have always been, because I'm a trauma therapist, I would always get the men and the women finding them more and more because of the internet, finding them looking at gay porn, looking at, you know, maybe even being on Craigslist when you could hook up on Craigslist. Yeah. So there would be that. And so then, then there would be a confusion. And so sometimes of course the men are gay and sometimes of course the men are bisexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand because, yeah, and do you understand that? That how it would make her upset? Because from her point of view, not yours, it sounds like, yeah, you're insecure with yourself, it sounds like, and you know. Oh yeah. Oh, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know him, but I know the men in my office that identify as straight. It's transactional sex. It's about getting off. It's about, there's even jack off clubs for men, a lot of straight men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's confusing because you're still thinking behaviorally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are a lot of women that like pegging their husbands. There's a lot of husbands that like to be pegged. And some men want to have a live penis that's attached to the person, but they're not thinking, God, the guy behind me is super hot. They're not thinking that. They're thinking, I am enjoying this guy. I could be submissive. I can enjoy my flight like a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there is some of that, and then there is, I do like, see this is going to be complicated. Sometimes it is about the guy behind me, but it's not like me. I'm looking at all the guys on the beach that are attractive to me. That guy who's getting uhm, anally penetrated by the guy behind him, who might be into him a little bit, it's just that guy. There's something about this guy between us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I always jokingly say I'm not a gay whisperer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I can't tell, I really can't tell. What I can tell is how to help a man go inside and in the book I talk about four questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first question is, does he have any childhood memories or youthful noticing of being on crushing on boys, being attracted to boys? I have tons of memories of being in locker rooms and crushing on this guy named Billy and wanting him to be my first kiss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many gay and bisexual men have so many. Straight men who have sex with men have none. It's all women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The straight guys have read my books and, better than any gay guy by the way, they've read all my first books for gay men and they say if I'm gay, help me be gay. And I'm like, you're not gay. I mean, it doesn't sound like you're gay from what you're telling me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for straight men in my office, they'll say I'm not looking at men. They're not, I'm not turned on by men. I'm turned on by women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fourth one is, who do you want to come home to? In other words, where is your community? Where, where do you feel at home? I feel at home with the gay male community or the LGBT community. Uhm, the straight men will say, I feel I want to wake up to a what? A woman. I'm interested in women and being with a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how, how it works is uhm, they have, they end up opening up their relationship and uhm, he ends up being able to be sexual and they negotiate that together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that you guys are having an open conversation about it. That's the most important thing. That's all that matters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, he punched me first. I told him to leave me the fuck alone. The nigga kept talking me crazy. This dude right there, I told him to leave me alone, man. He kept talking me crazy. And he, I punched his ass, I'm sorry. I don't think we're here for you. Oh, okay, I'm sorry, my bad. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Batman cosplay. Sure. When...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because democracy basically means


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna be my friend? I'm an electric one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would, uh, no, never. Never. No, and again, it's mainly what you said about, uh, the fact that they get dirty fast. They get so nasty. It's like, you would have to clean your feet all day. You'd have to clean your feet three times a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's gotta be that, cause it is like kinda like a cork board, so it does have to be like that porous absorbent material. Just absorbable oils.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, it's been really fun. Uhm, uh, for me, yeah, I was doing a lot of stuff behind the scene. I kind of grew up a fan, which is still kind of crazy to me. You know, like I was explaining it to my dad, like my dad is a huge...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a huge flood zeppelin thing, you know what I'm saying? So it's kinda like you're getting to work with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking about, well you know what, I was thinking about it, but seeing this video now, I think I'm good, I don't want to end up like that. That's, that's many, many a fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we actually did, uh, one of our first podcasts was from his hospital bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what about you? You have any broken bones? Uh, you know, I broke my foot once in high school. Okay. Me and him are kind of the polar opposite. You know, like he's got all the tattoos, he's done wrestling, broken every bone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm kind of a straight shooter, man. I'm kind of, yeah, I'm just pretty, pretty relaxed. Pretty chill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, basketball. And I'd never made the team. Uh, wasn't physically fit. Insult to injury. Just, just gym class. Shooting the ball around. So, I relate to the dunk champ. I wore this for you today. He was just like, come on. Appreciate it. I've been eyeballing that toy up there. Which one? Just saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I started off way early. So there was one day, uh, man, many years ago, uh, I was just at some drive thru in Detroit, and I ordered a bunch of food. You know when you order so much you gotta pull forward? Yeah. You gotta wait up front. Yeah, yeah. It was one of those. Pull off to the side. Right, right. I see this fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just this huge dude sitting outside just jacked, right? And he's wearing like an ICP shirt. Mind you, I was a fan at the time. Everything in my body said, don't talk to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, don't talk to this man. You know? So I fuckin', I'm in like a- Straight killer. Right. Uh, so I rolled down the window of my shitty Dodge Stratus and I'm like, hey man, nice shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dun say a word, gets up and walks towards my car. I'm, I'm holding the fucking window roll up button and it's just slowly going, you know? And he gets to the car and it's finally, I'm like, hey, you know, it's like your shirt, man. You know, I don't want any problems. I'm gonna get my nuggets and get the fuck out of here. But, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So at the time I was trying to get my foot in the door with comedy. I was doing some stuff back home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was tough doing open mics, like no one, no one, uh, uh, would really open their door. Like open mic night, I was this 18 year old kid. You know, I'm like, fuck, I can't get booked anywhere, you know? So I was like, you know what? I'm gonna start booking my own shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had met Spider, we became good friends, he's like, look, I know people in the music business, I know venues, uh, we reached out to some, and I was like, yo, fuck waiting for an open mic, I'm gonna just set my own shit, and then I'm gonna invite comics to come to my shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's what I did. So I started doing this thing in Detroit with him called Laughs and Raps. And it was kind of like a talent show. I was like, I don't give a fuck if you want to do poetry, get up on stage. It was just kind of like a big fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lo and behold, obviously that opened my doors into getting into the gathering and doing shows. Now, me, I've always had a soft spot for like, improv. That's what I love the most. It just don't fucking sell. You know what I'm saying? Like, one of my biggest like, uh, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Improv comedians, if you will, growing up, especially back home, is Keegan-Michael Key. Huge fan. He's brilliant. Oh my god, that dude is just a fucking, like, you watch him and I'm like, dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I toured, like there was an artist on his label that I toured with that took me on a few tours around the country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, never been done before. And I tell him, like, it's crazy to think I had no one...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're performing. Right, exactly. So I respect the hell out of stand-up. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was, I kinda used it in a way to get where I'm at now. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, and I know your fans are going to ruin me in the comment section, but it's some dude that jacks off to the four stroke gang. Oh yea. Is that in the same vein? Of course. Okay, alright. It's the same vein. How you find some of these people, it blows my mind. Some of it's mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I just want to touch on it real quick, our podcast, it was never planned. We never planned to have a podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, there was one week we weren't gonna have a video come out on time, and we were like, fuck, we gotta have something come out. And we're like, let's just do a live stream, maybe kick it with everybody, you know, the subscribers, all that shit. I was just, I don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't even know what a super chat was. We were like, what the fuck's a super chat? Like somebody's chatting but this one's a super one, you know? So we started reading them and we're like, oh fuck, that's like, you know, people are fucking paying money and they want to ask questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It, it, it, it became, it was just gonna be a one time thing until our video came out next week and then we got hit up so much like, please keep doing this, keep doing this podcast, keep going on. So we didn't have a name for it for like the first 20 episodes, we were just going live. Uh, then obviously now it's, it's the PalCast, but uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're number one. We're number one this year. And who are you? We're gonna get Cade Cunningham.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It starts off like a weird Chuck E. Cheese. You're like, who's this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, is he doing you, is he doing you wrong? Is he, he's got you blocked or something from what I've seen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to give a huge shout out to the mommies. They are relentless. I thought maybe like I read an article and it was a little couple comments here. No. It's his pages taking over. I mean it's an investigation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meet him halfway. Start at the chat or the taint, whatever you want to call it. That'd be cool. Start there. Can you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how to explain it, but it's a butt and a pussy, but it's in between both tits. If you're a titty fucking man, you're getting everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are big naturals. Big naturals, y'all. Big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a second, did you just do the sign of the cross and didn't touch your forehead? You just touched your cheeks? With cow pee? You think that's Catholic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus, Mary and Joseph, get outta here. Get outta here? Are you a secret, Jay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it? Is it a bad one? It's a really bad one. Can we see it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look what I did. I ate hot dog real fast. Hot dog fast gone. I ate that dog hot. I ate that hot dog. I ate that hot dog. Right. Guess what? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way that I'm built is sit back that you can't see it so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you're like me, how come you kept sending pictures to Chris Larson so much, huh? Like that? What happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are the ultimate queen. You are my big titted animal queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his dick. Okay. He's stroking his meat? Yep. Very beautiful, my queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just wanna say thank you TikTok for reviewing my case, and un-vending my big white butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do Australian, yeah? That's Italian. Do Australian, I said, mate. Oh, mate. I don't know how to do Australian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll choke you out, girl. I'm looking for a girl to choke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I'd like to try it. That's the name of my new tour, it's called Hankering for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause like, I mean, that's what's like, what's happened is, for years, you know that he's been confused. Him and his whole team are just like, what are all these sentences that don't make sense to us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for the first time, I think like a month ago, cause I think I was telling a friend about this and like, look, man, we've never asked people to do this, but let me show you G's account. And I would scroll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, alright, genuine comments are starting to bleed through now. He must be like, coming up, getting onto it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's, it's finally come to a point where he's like, I need to do something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if we get a campaign going, what uh, what hashtag you want? Justice for Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wonder how they connected the dots, cause I mean like... They connected them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, we're able to see all these, like, none of these, like, uh, accounts are restricted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Run me through when you found out where the fur- the thought first popped in your head where you're like, something's fishy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you started at probably confusion. You were there for a few seconds. And then how quickly did you go to, and I don't know if this is, did you go to anger or happiness when you found out you were restricted?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Yep, these seem like genuine comments. Well guys, facebook.com slash Garth Brooks if you want to. Sounds like we kind of make-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm 5'3". That's none of your business. I told you I was fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My absolutely perfect and gorgeous wife, Tina. I know I haven't said this in seven years. I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to another Your Mom's House Live. We're so excited that you could join us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying, but I thought you would want like a fucking hog in one, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Watch Gang. I love that Watch Gang gives you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Casual watch enthusiasts and the watch obsessed alike to build your watch collection. Go to WatchGang.com slash YMH and get started now. Use code YMH for 20% off your first purchase. That's WatchGang.com slash YMH. The code is YMH for 20% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Sattva. Go to Sattva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit and get $225 off your mattress purchase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bought something out, one of you brought it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such a great, uh, man. I've been riding a high since, uh, Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It, it, no, it was, and it, you know, these things are always subjective, so people, you know, will agree, disagree, but what I've seen, most people feel the same way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. She was here. I've been bummed out. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we'll get into it all here in a moment. If you missed the live show, you can still watch it through this coming weekend. I'm gonna have it extended. So, uh, through the weekend, go to livestream.ymhstudios.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeah, watch YMH Live 4, we'll go through a whole bunch of stuff that happened on the show here in a moment. Uhm, but let's, uh, let's get into this here. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is a different guy. Different guy. I think you're really gonna like this guy though. He seems cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just thought like it was kind of one of those things that would be fun to go like, you know, it's kind of like a throwback to like, what are we seeing here? Are we seeing like a manic episode? Are we seeing maybe someone pop some Adderall just to wake up? You know, just like what's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he actually made this and was like, oh, like people, this is appealing. This is a cool thing to show people, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a fan on in my face. The thing is, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it is. That's what we do here. That is what we do here, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing. It was so fun. It was just so fun. And I think, you know, we work really hard on putting the live shows together. It really is a huge like group effort and from like production, um, you know, reaching out to people. I mean, people know now, but you, uh, you know, if they don't know, um, you went on a date with the king. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's on the live show, we did uhm, I mean, we had Marcus King, they did like such an incredible performance, they did an original song, they did a cover of War Pigs, it was just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Krista Stefano, who was just like made for this. Like some people, I was thinking about it. Some people, you know, we've had a lot of funny people as guests on our show. Some people are funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's people who are funny and it works, like it's a perfect marriage on the show. You know what I mean? Like, so he, his personality, the way that he- The sensibility of vibe. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's great, he was so, so funny. And then, you know, the real, the show stopper of course was that you finally did the right thing. You looked respectable for once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm still out of cum. Prosthetics. It's been like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, when I'm with Christina, I'm like, yeah, I'll go take a shower. But like, with Tina, I was like, the fuck are you talking about? Like, this is what you earn. This is what you're all about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this was a, you know, it's really interesting. There's the, um, there's the initial, uh, kind of like, you know, wow of, of seeing it, right? You react in the moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then it's kind of, it's kind of interesting to like break it down as a, like a social experiment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You actually got to do it like, cause I've seen social experiments like this where they go, they put a thin person in a fat suit and they walk around and they're like, oh my god, I was treated so differently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Like they were shamed and people had disdain for the, but they got to experience what it's like. Um, and there's that famous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, SNL sketch from, you know, 30 years ago where Eddie Murphy put on like a white, it was a sketch, but he walked around and like walked into a bank and they're like, would you like a loan? Like, you know, it's a joke, but it's an experiment, but you got to go from like, you know, normal woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah yeaah. This is for real. This is the switch. And this is like, I've felt it before. It's not even conscious. It's like primal, biological DNA wiring. Where like, you look at a normal woman, you know, like this, and then, like a whore like that, you go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like your brain going, you should fuck that. You need to impregnate that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well Chris was also like, that's a disgusting look. Like, he wasn't like, oh that's appealing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, that's a broken woman that needs therapy and help and she probably needs a shelter to live in, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, it's not even, you're not even thinking about it. It's just automatically, we're still animals at our core.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's such an extreme, like, I'm not soft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, I, this, I think Clavicles made this. This is a piece of art, man, this is rad. He took a photo, I think, and he took this photo? I don't know, or if Lindsay took it, I don't remember who took this photo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, he threw the, like, pulp fiction artwork on it. So cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is a meme breaking down what YMH Life 4 was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it really was, it was so fun. Like that's the thing is, I've said it before, but it's so, the live shows to me are, feel like when I'm on tour and you have a show one night where you're like, that was- That was a banger. Yea, so the next morning, you're walking through the hotel and you're like, oh man, that was so fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, what I was thinking was, cause I, I knew what you were talking about, and, and, and you said, you know, you could feel, you feel the shift yourself. It's a total different energy. And you feel the, like, the, the power. I was like, I kinda wish everyone could jump, like, could try this. Like every woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm pretty fucking hardcore sexy, I don't know what you would do to me, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. That'll be my experiment. Okay. I'll try to get some experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put on what strippers wear when they're done stripping, which is baggy sweats. Because baggy sweats tell the world, hey, don't sexualize me. Every human being has the right to go, I'm wearing baggy sweats and that means I want to relax. Like, I don't want to be approached.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. But also like, I also feel like, you know, it wouldn't even register. She'd be like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, I blew those six guys, so what? And then the guy's like, so hot baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy that marries, cause that girl has a husband, like, you have a husband? He's like, I love what you fucks like, eight guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a lot, he wears a lot of rings, you know? He's got a lot of wristbands. He's a party guy. He's a party guy. For sure a party guy. And he's like, you wanna fuck? Or you wanna fuck her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it, I love it babe. Uhm, speaking of the live show, we asked and we have because it was so fun. I got tagged in fucking hundreds of stories on Instagram and I think people also emailed in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're reacting to heavy cuts. Oh my god. And it's kinda one of my favorite things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, to watch are the people reacting. Cause it's just, it's fun. It makes you feel like you're alive, like part of the show. And so I haven't seen these yet, but they're in my folder. So here's some, some people watching the heavy segment and uh, it's, it's really, it's really fun to see these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That there was a, there was a kind of a soft opening, so people were like, no, this is not so bad. You know, and it's like, kind of progresses. It's exactly what a heavy segment should be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was crazy, man. It was so fun. So anyways, yeah, I mean, thank everybody. Thank you to everybody that joined us. Thank you to everybody that worked here. It really was. It was a great thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, uhm, so yeaah, you know what it is, livestream.ymaistudios.com, link in the description, check it out if you haven't yet, it was really a blast. Uhm, so, god damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we also had a relative, uh, that we FaceTimed with, who was home, home, with his family wearing a mask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, shit's serious out here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't bring it up, that was the best, I was like, how's everything going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey mommies, it's time to follow Proto and shave your balls. Our sponsor for today's show, Manscaped, is here to treat


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of your queens above 18 with fresh shaven balls. Get 20% off and free shipping at manscape.com slash mom. Look here, you big titted animals. If you're coming up in May, you are in luck because the Manscape Performance Package is the ultimate men's hygiene bundle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This bundle includes the Lamor 3.0 trimmer, the best trimmer on the market for your balls, butt, and body. A clean scrum allows no excuses for someone to be stingy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Included in this package is the Weed Whacker Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer, which is waterproof and uses a 9000 RPM motor powered dual blade system. There's no hair left when you're done trimming with that thing. There's no options for hair. It's absolutely fantastic. Get 20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. Thank you Manscaped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For making sure our pubes don't pop out of our high and tight jeans, get 20% off and free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. Shave your funk and stay away from Garth's trunk with Manscaped. I mean, you know, this whole, this whole year it has affected people differently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's an email chain between parents at our school, which is fucking insane. And this kind of, this really made me sit up straight. I was like, oh, this could be interesting. So basically, I don't want to quote it because, you know, exactly, but essentially a parent, so it's parents that, you know, they share when you, when your kid's in a school, they'll give every parent the email of all the parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a lot of times, especially with this year, they'll be like, hey, you know, like when school was closed, they'll say, we're taking our kid to this park. If you want to bring your kid, we'll be there tomorrow at nine in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So everything in this thing has been like that, like playdate, blah, blah, blah. You know, you read it and you're like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then that morning, somebody writes, uhm, hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I didn't, I didn't know whether or not to send this to the group or not, but I've decided to. And that's when I was like. Your ears purred right out. Yep. And I was like, what's this? Oh, juicy. And it says, uh, you know, we've done so well so far. Um, and we're almost out of this thing, so let's not screw it up for everybody this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And basically the kids had a week off from school. Spring break, yea. And the school made it so that to come back to school, you have to get the kid tested, COVID tested again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Regardless of what, where you live or what the kid did or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you got your kid tested on Friday and Sunday, Sunday was Easter, they go in and you plan on having like a Easter extravaganza in which you'll see new people and extended family. You're not doing anybody any favors and that's not fair. So please keep your kid out of school next week. But this was a parent saying it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the group of parents. Right? So I just was smiling because I was like, oh, this is a crazy person. And it's funny that you're going to try to dictate that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just smiled and I was like, oh, part of my brain was like, I wonder if someone's gonna like, throw a jab back. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it was also, you know, part of me gets like, are you really lecturing? Like, you know. It's insanity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, I'm a little offended that they would give my email out. I feel like I'm a little too important of a person to be honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I see this email, and I just laugh, right? I laugh. And, and then I'm just waiting. I'm waiting. And then, yesterday, or was it this morning? This morning. This morning, a mom goes, I was thinking, I was debating whether or not to send this, but here goes, and it's to the group. So I was like, aw man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and now I'm just like, I want to finish this show just so I can pick up, start reading it. See if there's a response. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she called out the mom, but to a group of like, 28.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, I'm not gonna jump in, but I'm just gonna, I'm gonna watch that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, if somebody says something directly to me, that's different. Or if somebody says something about my kid, you're going to get the full fucking wrath of evil that exists inside of me. But if you just want to engage each other, I'm going to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really don't. I see, I see stuff all the time. I mean, I don't even, I don't look as much as I used to, but I'll see something. I don't, I don't respond, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean I realized that- It's pretty funny though. I realized that they were wrong too, but the way that I handled it was, it was a very emotional, immature thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't eaten really any red meat in a while. That's probably good for you though. It's good to like mix it up, you know. I eat a lot of chicken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, yeaah, I've been eating so clean that yeaah, it's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm gonna do that. I just wanna see what it's like. It's like, you wore your horse suit, I wanna do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he got yokes for that, for the other, for Batman and for... How did he get that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when people are like, hey man, how much weight are you gonna lose? I'll be like, wife wants to see me shirtless jogging. That'll just be my answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're listening or if you don't still don't understand what's happening, somehow this Silverado, um, you know, pretty big pickup truck was up on three wheels, the one and suspended in the air and had run into a light post, like a big cement light post. And I don't know. I mean, we don't know how he got there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got it, man. That dude, by the way, is probably unconscious in the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't kill you, but they've knocked people out, and I know a couple of people that had airbags go off and black and blue, you know, eyes, you know, oh yeaah, cause they come out so, it's supposed to keep you, you know, yeaah, of like a major act of speed, so they come out really fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Entertainment takes skill. That's true. So it's much harder. I mean, like, you know, you see these guys, like, if you're in New York, you get on the subway and sometimes you'll see, like, break dancers. I love that shit. And you go, like, this is a real performance. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Like, you're not hired after a day of sympathy. Yeah. But these guys, this guy's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if this was legit, I'd be like, I'm not giving you any money. Just grow some legs, man, you know? But like, if it's a breakdancer or something, I'm like, that's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you ever see the, uhm, like, bucket drummers? I love that one, yeaah. I mean, that's, that is a musician. So he's playing for you, you know? I've given money for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, fuck those guys. Yeah, fuck you. Well, this guy's pretending to be legless. I mean, really fuck him, you know? Yeah. That's a piece of shit. This is not that far removed from calling up an old lady and being like, oh, have you changed your banking information? And she's like, I'll send an old worship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I know I saw a news, like a local news piece one time, uhm, that staked out and followed a bullshit, uhm, person like on an, you know, like at the end of a off-ramp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, this person made like $600 today doing this. And then they just stay in dirty clothes and, and you know, go back to their place and they come back the next, they're like making thousands of dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not to say that there aren't legitimately, you know, people begging that need it, I'm just saying that that is a, that can be a big scam. For sure. But I respect the entertainer much more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Public defecation is a federal crime? Why wouldn't it be? I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, you know, it's like uhm, in really crowded places, poor places like in India, and you see people just going to the bathroom all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had some, like, don't shit in here signs, like, don't shit on the floor. But that's because, like, in China, mainlanders who don't live in cities that live, like, in rural parts, they defecate openly. So then when they go to Beijing or something, they're just like, oh, just shit here. And they're like, no, no, no, you can't, you can't just shit on the ground here. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but like there's like, there's all these jarring movements and you're like, okay, I'm feeling and then you turn the other way. I was about to come, but I got scared by the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, splash man, I can be like, it's not cum, it's water. It's fun to splash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I gotta say, it's one of the less appealing things that I've heard in a while. I'm not really into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I'm going into this scenario assuming I haven't come in like two weeks, right? Cause I can't imagine being like, I can't wait until we leave Disneyland, I have to come now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I would still be like, I don't wanna come here. I wanna leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, no, scratch that out. Okay, put English to French.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This will be interesting, let's see how do we, and then you can hit the voice, there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Life's about fucking. Uhm, alright, rarely we do this, but I gotta go peachy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people aren't aware that, that they restrict content based on where you live. So you get totally different libraries if you're in Canada, France, Japan, China, like it's all different. So, you know, by, by changing your location, you're getting all new content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just, you don't, you can't get this insight any other way. That's the thing is, you're getting insight on your body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like discovering the Ark of the Covenant or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? You're like, how much more to this story is there? And he's such a menace. And I'm still so drunk, like I'm so glad I never met him in a way. But uhm, when I see these I'm like, god you're so, like it's so aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. Like, what's gonna happen? But even though I disapprove, I'm like, that's not cool, this guy's just going to work, like, he's definitely being a dick to this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. And you could tell...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny because what's saving this guy right now is his uniform. You know? It's also what's attracting it. So, Fedsmoker's approaching him because he's a cop, but the only reason Fedsmoker's not like assaulting him is because he's a cop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? And the guy, you can tell that guy's thrown by him. He's like, oh god damn. Holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, maybe we should inform Obama that this exists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that he's always talking about where we are like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, that's uhm, like he's a constitutional guy. He's like, are we following the constitution?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so his go-tos are, uhm, cause I, uhm, you know, you start to see the patterns. I wanna talk to somebody. This is America. You could lose your job. Yes. You could get fired. The threats. And then something vulgar always. Always. Fuck face and fuck head, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very patriotic this. He tells, he tells this guy, um, let me see if it's not. Yeah. Cause you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Conald. Rest in Proto, buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you wanna see one of the wildest fucking things I've seen in a while?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we, everybody knows that one country that always delivers with like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking crazy shit is Russia, right? Oh yeaah, of course. They just fucking, they, they don't fuck around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and tough, and tough, and wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That there's a, like if you, their version of cops, you'll see, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, the cops, there's not like, I'm calling, uh, internal affairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably. Here we go. Check this out. Ready? Yeaah. Oh, look over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they give him a bag and he opens it and it's the ring and he's like gets down on one knee like, I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10 years from now. Yeah, or 20 years, 30 years. Like, hey, what was your proposal like? It was pretty cool. It was traumatic. We got pulled over. I thought I was gonna die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something like that, or he's got obviously, you know, friends on the force.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was just like, Hey, do me a favor and uh, put the safety on. Okay. When you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, American is, you know, beach, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not on there, but I mentioned it on the live show. On Netflix, F1, uh, Drive to Survive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The show is unbelievable. And I'm only mentioning it here because I realized on the live show, it's not hitting the full audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's one of the best docuseries I've ever seen and I didn't go into it. Like yes, I do like cars. I'm a car fan, enthusiast, whatever you want to call it. I've never been into motorsports, like following racing. The show is so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really, it makes you emotionally invest in drivers and teams, storylines. It's one of the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Formula one, drive to survive. Start with season one, obviously just go through it. It's, it's super.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Formula 1 is actually really small, you know, it's like 10 teams, 20, each team has like 2 drivers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Lamborghini doesn't have a team. There's Mercedes, uh, Renault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that BWT was just bought by this billionaire Canadian guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's the Red Bull Racing, but anyway, the most, the most popular, the most famous team for sure is Ferrari. And then the most dominant as of late is Mercedes, but you like, you learn this and you get to know like the, the personalities and the team management, the money that goes into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maintaining and competing at this level is extraordinary. It's so much money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These, these cars are multi-million dollar cars, you know. This is not, you can't get in this car if you know how to drive a regular car. I'm like, I guess I could drive this car. It's no way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys are all in pretty good shape and, you know, in F1 they sometimes are hitting 215 miles an hour in this car. I think you mean kilometers. No. Kilometers. Miles an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are flying, they're in turn, they're taking turns at 180. I mean, it's, it's fucking insane. And, and the crashes are holy shit, man. Yeah. Look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grand Prix, the fastest time is 230 miles an hour. It's 372 kilometers an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking, it's crazy. I mean you end up having like so much respect for their skills and, but it's, what you invested in the show is not, I don't want to say, it's not a racing show. You're investing in like actual people and you're emotionally investing in the characters and the drama. It's not, it's not like you're like, oh but it's a car, it's not about cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but you end up actually being like, man, if he breaks up with her, it's going to be real interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the whole show. They're like on the line. They're doing push-ups and yoga and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everyone's drinking water. On American shows, they drink booze on reality shows. On this show, they're like, you're hot. Fucking drink some water. Yeah. Yeah. They just pound water the whole day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they just, there's like a, you know, decent sized backyard and like the girls are hanging out one side and then the boys on the other and they're all just being like, she's hot, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's just like, that's also like real life. That is like real life. Like you try to be slick and then it fucking blows up on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, that's a real fucking cunt move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you're watching this show and you're like, I guess they've been dating for what, six months? Like no, they met Monday. It's fucking Thursday. And she's like, are we together? Or like, like she's so, and you're like, alright, just chill the fuck out a little bit here. Yeah, but that's, that's why you end up getting hooked is because they care. They care, so then you care, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, then I walk out, I'm the only guy without abs, and they're all like, uhm, and then this PSA just plays as I'm talking. I'm like, hey guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's real. Stop weight bias.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what? If this gets me on Love Island Australia, I'm down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna send this to the producers and be like, stop keeping me off the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I deserve to be on the show and celebrated as hot, even with my excess weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, it's very manipulative to throw a kid in there. Like the fad adults, it's like, okay, and then the kid's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, very cool, cool message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How's my fat going? It's an interesting way to ask the question. I agree with you on that. Yeah, it's going great. Are you dieting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so how about Monday? Why don't you give yourself the rest of the week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or whatever, do it tomorrow. I'm just asking you if you, I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't do that. Just, uhm, just do, like, I'll write out what I'm eating. Okay. And then just do that. Ooh, yeaah, alright, I'll go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus, I mean, you know, it'd be fun to have like, just like another super thin friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was a loud, loud. And look at that comment underneath it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the sweetness with which the question was asked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna see it again? No, I really don't. Like, I'm not. Alright, looks like, uh, you guys voted more horrible than hilarious on that one, but I gave a strong hilarious reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, one more. Ready? This one you're going to be like, oh, he deserves it. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was trying to be cool. It always happens in life. Always. Trying to be cool, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you think. You looked so cool the next day when we were out. You just had the sleeve on. You looked rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, let me, can I say this picture? I'll send you this picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Actually, I really dig it. I think you do look really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you could do, right? You could start like upper. Knuckles? No, no, upper sleeve, upper arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm saying that, and get comfortable with it, and see if you like it, and then you can just extend it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone would be like, oh my god that lady has a tattoo on her arm. Like you see tattoos all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't have the same, like you've mentioned it a lot. Okay. You've mentioned it quite a bit. I don't have the same thing where I'm like constantly talking. But if, but if I was talking about it as much as you were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you did. You liked it a lot. You liked it quite a bit. I really think you should consider...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I don't think I'd do it with peanut butter. I mean, I think it would be fun to do like some type of, I can get the fun of like some type of gel, you know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what we should get? What? Get one of those blow up, uhm, like, kiddie pulls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by RevTown. Well, Christina, it's finally happened. Someone gets us. Like, they really get us. It can be hard to find jeans that fit well. Jeans that are comfortable and fit well? Forget it. Until now. RevTown has changed the game for us. These are amazing. They fit great. Super comfortable. They look fantastic. Not baggy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not too tight, perfect. The holy grail of jeans. Let's face it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody wants to be in too tight, rigid jeans right now. RevTown jeans were created by a few former Under Armour guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are proprietary fabric that combines Italian milled denim, a little bit of stretch, and a strong, durable thread just like the stuff used in football uniforms and yoga pants. It's the best of both worlds. RevTown jeans are durable but comfortable and mobile when you need them to be. Plus, they're soft enough to be comfy while working from home or lounging on the couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got a pair, you love them, and at 79 bucks a pair they are less than half the price of the so-called designer jeans we've been jamming our stuff into for years. They feel like nothing else we've worn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Head over to revtown.com slash y m h r e v t o w n dot com slash y m h to upgrade your denim game today. This episode of your mom's house is also brought to you by keeps two out of three men will experience some form of hair loss by the time they are 35. Look at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. More than 50 million men in the US suffer from male pattern baldness. There are only two FDA approved medications that can prevent hair loss. Keeps offers both of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Heaps offers a simple, stress free way to keep your hair. Convenient, virtual doctor consultations and medications delivered straight to your door every three months. You don't have to leave your home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that doctor consultations over the internet are probably the best thing to come of the last few years. You don't have to go anywhere. You don't have to park. You don't have to look at other people. You just talk to the doctor about your situation. Discrete packaging arrives. It has more 5 star reviews than any of its competitors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And remember, prevention is the key. Treatments can take four to six months to see results, so act fast and act now. If you're ready to take action and prevent hair loss,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to Keeps, K-E-E-P-S dot com slash mom to receive your first month of treatment for free. That's K-E-E-P-S dot com slash mom to get your first month free. Keeps, K-E-E-P-S dot com slash mom. So we saw, this morning we saw a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, just finds a better owner. Just cause I think you're a fuckin' smug asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a big one now, and now we're seeing the more that it's become part of the regular life, are the public Zooms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are zooming, uh, at restaurants?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in line the other day for coffee. It's not the exact same thing, but a notable person. So I'm in line, Kurt Russell is in front of me. Oh my gosh. And behind me is a young girl, like 22.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] FaceTime, no earbuds. And I, you know, at first I was like, and it was so fun to see Kurt Russell go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he would look forward and then she was like, yeah, uh, where are South Carolina? Is it hot there? And then you'd hear the guy be like, yeah, it's hot. And just having a full, full conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm name dropping Kurt Russell because of Kurt Russell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that part is all, you know, it was speakerphone and now it's FaceTime and Zoom calls in public. I mean, people just have, it's a lack of respect for your fellow citizens. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's saying, like, I don't care about people around me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if it's a conversation about bullshit, it's still private, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want me to, that'll really turn you on. Why don't you wear a mask?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems like you can kind of hide it if you're wearing black ones, but any other color, you're going to see the full out. Like that guy second to the right there. You can see the entire shape of his dick. Can we go bigger on that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be so mad if I wasn't hanging well for the photo, you know? I know. Like right for the photo, they snap and you're like, oh wait, just let me fucking adjust myself, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's definitely European. Yeah, those are European guys. Ooh, like the Polish flag or something. What is that? Yeah. Yeah, those are Polish guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See the kids, you can see it too. Any color that's not black, you can see it. Now you're really nodding yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean, that doesn't look pretty subtle to you. Subtle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just, it's, we're talking at the highest level, you're talking about any edge. So even if it's a fraction of a fraction of a second, you know, you want to do anything to get that edge. Uhm, well, alright, I guess biker shorts are in for you again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're getting excited about, like, I gotta say, those are all, everything I saw was unimpressive. And you're like, ooh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying, but I thought you would want like a fucking hog in one, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that, that could stop the whole race. If they had white shorts on, they'd be like, alright guys, nobody can pay attention over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gotta have something. I think they're pointing to it, like, look at his dick, guys! We're all laughing and happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but he definitely is fitting all the cool criteria. Check, check, check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are things coming out of them? Isn't there dark coloration, like, on his lips? Play it one more time for clarification.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, usually you try to keep it in a pocket, you know, like one area, but maybe he just talks with it everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, that's not like, you know, let's not shit on Philippine, uh, cuisine. It is delicious, but he's not going for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's not like, I am all about trying the cuisines of the world. Get the fuck out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like to terror a lot. It's always exciting and funny to me to see someone like real terrified.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought we were about to see a horrible hilarious right there with those jumps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. This is the saddest talk folder we've had in a while. Are there any uplifters?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's funny that he said a lot of us, like, he was like, most people can't read. That part's funny, but then you're like, oh, this guy's, he's really sad, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course not, but also, I mean, you know, this guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't think I would offer M&M's. I think you offer Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good, that's a good, you know, that's a good, I gotta say, that's not bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause if you offer a lady chocolate, it's cool, but also don't forget. Don't compliment that bitch. I like that advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too. Uh, that was a, that was kind of kind of a palate cleanser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe that there's no good way to use the R word. Okay, let's go to the next one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think somebody could maybe tell him that when you wrestle plastic bags like that, your audio is going to really sting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't imagine anybody doing anything that we've seen. None. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that was my palette cleanser for you. Hope you enjoyed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. Jesus Christ, that was, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing. Uhm, so before we go, I should mention there's, uh, there's new stuff in the store. If you go to store.ymhstudios.com, in about a week or so, we'll have an announcement. So, uh, oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A t-shirt from the movie I was in, Flinch, where I played Ed Terzian, the movie Flinch that Cameron Van Oy directed. Two Bears Mug, Big Titted Animal Koozie, Knucklehead Tea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big titted animal shirt. Uhm, so yeaah, visit. There's new things there. New stuff coming. Thank you guys for your support, as always. Uh, thank you for everybody that joined us for the live show. It'll be up, like I said, through the weekend. So, go to livestream.ymhstudios.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina, you're going on the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This weekend I'm doing shows, uh, during the week I should say, in Spanish. I'm doing San Antonio, Houston, and we added, we sold out Dallas and we added a late show. That's gonna be on Thursday in Dallas at the, uh, Addison Improv. Uhm, and then, uh, yeaah, on the road more Spanish shows in June in Ontario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, another Spanish show, but I also have a bunch of English shows. They're all at TomSegura.com. Uhm, go to the tour page and then hopefully, soon enough, we'll be able to announce more shows as, uh, people get vaccinated and things go back to normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for watching, thanks for listening. Here is Electronic Dance Moose by Mr. Mobius to take us out. Uh, we'll see you guys next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. Please continue to watch more. You can see all these where my hand's gesturing. You can click on those. And please subscribe if you have not yet. Hit the subscribe button and then we'll get your money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at my boyfriend Marshall Goat, look at him kickin'. Oh yeaah, look at him go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is the best! Kickin' like, awesome and magnificent. Just look at him go. Oof. Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, yeah. Look at him go. Look at him go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sotva mattress company. We are huge fans. We have been for years because we've slept on many Sotva beds. All of them. All of them. Right now we sleep on the Solair, which has independently moving boop heads and it vibrates and it lights up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you might say to yourself, who can afford such, such luxury? You can, at Saatva, because everything they do, they don't have, uhm, a retail store, so there's no overhead. There's no commissions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. It's fantastic. And we love them so much. Uh, go to sotva.com slash the shit. We have our own URL to get $225 off the purchase of your next mattress. You might like their lumen leaf, which is memory foam. We have that in our homes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all amazing. So sotfa.com slash the shit for $225 off the purchase of your next mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, I'll be in Pouston at the Pouston Improv February 25th through 27th and then I go to Zanies in Gashville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, okay. Did you want to mention the two bears, Randall?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So sweet. Such a team player. He, he bops to the song every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're supposed to say this month makes you happier. You said that this month makes you feel worse because it's Black History Month. Didn't you hear him saying that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vitality, even sexually so active with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a woman who's looked at you for the last 15 years, I can honestly say this is the best you've ever looked. Thank you. And I'm so much more attracted to you. Thank you. And I love the color you chose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are Stella. You are Stella. Well what's cool about them using your real pubic hair, your real leg hair, is that it has a natural curl in it. And they maintain that curl on the head. Most importantly,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't say anything about that. I think 42,000 was a lot to spend on the hair. I thought we were stopping there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi Tom, she, her, uhm, do you know that when they're doing this, this, it's instead of clapping so that they're not offending people, because clapping is an act of violence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So horrible. So this was sent by honorary producer Rob Eiler, friend of the show, host of Pajama Pants podcast. Shout out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe that your new hair confidence is giving you entitlement and not only did you have white male privilege before, but your hair privilege.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well wait a minute, you have too many privileges. First of all, you're white, you're male, you've got...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Resources, and now you have hair privilege on top of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you need to undo your invisible knapsack of privilege and check it. Check it at the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if this is what college is like when our kids go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're heavy into this horse shit, which we all know that has worked time and time again. If you want to go to a system that works, it is socialism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, they wouldn't last a minute at your mom's house studios. Are you kidding me? Literally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leave it at home. Cause you and I walk in here and we're literally like, what's up chomos? What's up fuckpeds?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why I wish Fedsmoker was still alive. So that he could go here to this convention and ruin their stuff. Why couldn't he ruin these people's lives?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at some point, it's an infinite, there's so many people to include, like that guy doesn't like loud sounds, don't clap. That guy's sensitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But their whole way of thinking is, we're going to try and include everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's your point of personal privilege, your hair privilege. Yea. And your brunette privilege, nobody talks about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He turned the word tool into a two syllable word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They call him the Puff Smoker. Tommy, do your best Scottish accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Terrible. What's a muppet? Again, it's like a, I thought muppet is like an endearing term for little kids. No. Person who is ignorant and generally has no idea about anything. Jeez. The muppets. I thought a muppet, a moppet, a muppet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was awesome. You know what I liked about him is just his straight out there approach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so cool. Do you think he has, do you think this guy bags chicks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad he clarified that, I was a little nervous, if he wanted to see them boobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm super excited. And I think that I haven't been to an Olive Garden in a while. I think that would be really nice. You know, they have those endless breadsticks and salad. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe we can go for a walk, I like that idea, you know, once the snow melts. It'll be romantic in the spring, the flowers will be blooming. What if you don't come back? What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I've heard too. That's what I've heard too. It might be fun. He and I could go across the country. We could stop at all the different liquor stores. I could check out the lot lizards and every different stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This lady said you need to put plastic bags in trees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she's still alive, which is good news. She's taking care of herself. It seems, going to Pharmaca. Good idea. So she's still kicking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty exciting. I'm hoping that there will be more Salome voicemails in the future. And you know, another one that happened is someone else was a nurse and she would always get nursing job offers on my line as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there was another man that had my number too apparently, and he had a drug problem, remember? And his family, he went missing one time, and they kept calling me and looking for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, the gambling was up. The game is up this weekend. If you want to place your bets, I still get those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does your dad know our numbers? That's how he knows it's me calling it. Oh, I guarantee it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, don't do it. Now the last four digits of my number growing up was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you can get your other essentials in just 30 minutes with DoorDash. That's right. You can get snacks, drinks, and your household needs from DoorDash. That is so easy. DoorDash connects you with the restaurants you love right now, right to your door. You can get those essentials. It's so easy. You open the DoorDash app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 25% off up to $10 value and zero delivery fees on your first order when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter code YMH. Don't forget that's code YMH for 25% off your first order with DoorDash. Subject to change, terms apply. Uh, it too has good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so you, after we had this conversation last time, every time we come in the studio I realize lately, you have a new memory of whores that you've slept with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your past, like I swear you guys, when we're alone together the last 15 years, I'm like, how many women have you been with? And he just goes, I don't know. It's like, I don't know. I don't remember. But it's kind of sad when you think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many stories are there? Cause you're like, oh, I told that one on the other podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only because she complained, you would have broad dogged her had she not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is why you fell asleep, spooning her. You should have been trying to stick your D in her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just didn't, I don't, it doesn't sound like she enjoys sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. She's like, I mean usually a woman doesn't go into it going, here's what I don't do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might just go like, you know I'm, I don't know, I don't really know you, maybe, here's my preferences, but not like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, are you going to now, I mean, are you, now that you're this new hair guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna put these pictures up on Instagram and hope that these whores see you now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a really aggressive approach he does to that. You're actually probably doing more damage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you can take your time if you're gonna floss. I mean, how much time does it take?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to keep up with you. You're on this younger guy kick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I'm thinking, like, maybe a facelift right now? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But hey, let's be fair, with actresses and women that have been in the public eye for many years, so Demi Moore has been famous since she was, what, 18?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but hold on, Renee Zellweger, she reversed. I think I saw something that she made it look more normal because people were like, dude, you don't even look like yourself. She was so cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was so cute. She had those squinty, you know, kind of cherubic little cheeks and her eyes were so squinty and then she widened her eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She fucked her face up pretty bad here. She didn't need to do all that. Hold on, let's see what she did. She did a nose job, she injected her lips, which is I think a big no-no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, maybe got cheek implants as well, which is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that gorgeous baby face. What is she? 18, 19?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] G.I. Jane. This one she got yoked for G.I. Jane. But she was beautiful. Look at that face. Her cheeks, everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This looks like injections. I'm gonna say she's had a lot of, uh, Botox and filler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. She looks great. I think she looks great. But it doesn't look like her, so I think something's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on? The cheekbones are moving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay, so she's messing with the cheekbones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's nice. I think she still looks pretty great there. It doesn't look like her though, so there's something else, the cheekbones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she had the cheekbones done way too much, it looks like, and then the eye lift is way crazy, but the cheekbones, I wish I had a better angle


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what I think it is? It's that when you're a woman whose identity is being beautiful,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When your point of privilege, personal privilege is beauty privilege, and then you lose that privilege over time, it's probably really hard to come to grips with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When everybody knows you as the smoke show and then that nature will take that from you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't let me, I'm not gonna, I don't think I will, but who knows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My plastic surgeon keeps trying to convince me to do lip filler, and I'm like, nope. I don't want to look like those Ukrainian hussies on 90 Day Fiancé. They're always like, Nichi, Nichi Kolti. Looks too crazy. Kolti, can we buy a couch today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've never done that to your friends? Your man friends?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you and I have been talking about our relationship lately past the lovers that you have had.


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[Assistant] And then there's this famous book, The Five Love Languages. Take out book. And then you'll get the actual- Does he need his song?


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[Assistant] And I was discussing this with my friend, Dr. Jessica.


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[Assistant] And so these are the five love languages that, you know, you could do words of affirmation.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like this is what you respond to. This is what you need to feel loved. Right. So there are words of affirmation that could be sending an unexpected note, text or card. Encourage genuinely and often.


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[Assistant] So I would like that. I think I need words of affirmation. Physical touch.


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[Assistant] Hug, kiss, hold hands, show physical affection regularly, make intimacy and thoughtful- make intimacy a thoughtful priority.


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[Assistant] Create special moments together. Take walks and do small things with your spouse weekend.


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[Assistant] I'd like, I'd like that. So me, I need acts of service and I would like the top one, words of affirmation.


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[Assistant] However, we were discussing that there are no, there's no box for just dick touches, cause I think that


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[Assistant] Dick touches are really, like guys don't need any of that, it's just dick touch. No, no, no, physical touch that says intimacy, a thoughtful priority, but that's not the same as saying you need to touch your spouse's dick every 72 hours to have a happy marriage.


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[Assistant] And I think 72 hours is the natural, natural algorithm there.


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[Assistant] Because I feel like with other people, I get very uncomfortable.


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[Assistant] I know, but I feel as though with you I make an exception in that, look, yeaah, I agree. Sorry, did I not say that I agree? I have a very hard time.


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[Assistant] With emotional. Thank you. Overly, I don't like them.


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[Assistant] Is that when you do say nice things to me, I really do like it. I just have a hard time.


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[Assistant] Showing you that I like it. I'm embarrassed to be like, I really thank you for saying that. Like what do I say? Let's do, let's do play acting. Like what's a normal person? Let's say you're trying to tell me how, what a good mother I am and how great I take care of the kids. Go ahead. Go ahead.


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[Assistant] Oh, my asshole's puckering, yeaah. Okay, go ahead.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I work on it in therapy. I've been working on it for fucking a day.


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[Assistant] I'm, I have made progress. Okay, but sorry, I'm sorry. So sorry, continue. Go ahead.


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[Assistant] How can you say that you enjoy that stuff? I like it because I need to hear it from you and then I don't like actually hearing it. Does that make sense? I don't like to actually hear it. I like to know that you feel that way.


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[Assistant] So wait, what should I say when you say stuff like that? What do I say?


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[Assistant] Okay, so sorry, so what should I say? So tell me what the normal response is, cause I don't fucking know.


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[Assistant] Good one. Okay. Thanks for noticing, Jean. I love you too.


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[Assistant] Do we want to rev- review who raised me? I was raised by two fucking-


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[Assistant] Did you see that exchange? I compliment you and you said thank you. That was normal. I'm learning. I'm learning.


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[Assistant] And then I like, uh, but I'm a quality time lady too. You are, yes. If we don't hang out, I get really grumpy and really upset. It's like when I withhold dick touches, you get very grumpy.


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[Assistant] That was exciting. Listen, I'm gonna work on it. I'm gonna work on my ability to hear the words of affirmation. How about that?


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[Assistant] What's your prediction here? Do you think a lot of women will be cool with this? Big titted animal challenge?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it is disrespect. I think to a lot of regular guys out there, and I would consider you Amina in the nicest possible way,


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[Assistant] I think I just mean like, alpha, normal guys, guys, guys.


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[Assistant] Like, there's a few couples in mind right now. Could you imagine them saying...


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[Assistant] I'm curious, I wonder what the average outcome is out there. Like what the average level of communication is between married couples that aren't comedians.


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[Assistant] You know, cause you and I do, we have to give each other a lot of license to ill cause we're comics. Yep. And that's our job, to be shitheads.


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[Assistant] Yeah, might I mention, I did not approve this shirt, by the way.


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[Assistant] Nobody showed it to me and then you were like, do you want to see what's in the store? You don't like it?


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[Assistant] No, I, I do, I just, I, you know, would have been nice to have a heads up that we're doing that. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] Meet the demand. So don't buy it on eBay, you guys. There's no need. Just be patient. Get notified. Hit that notification button, right? So when it comes in.


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[Assistant] Uh oh, I have a new favorite thing. It is Mercari. We are moving. We're getting ready to pack up our belongings. I have been selling my items on Mercari. I am hooked. I love it.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I think Mercari's, it's the best place that lets you say goodbye to your unused items and give them a new life when somebody else buys them. It's, it's a great way to say goodbye by selling your stuff to someone who actually wants it and when a buyer says, hello, you make some money, which I love making some scratch.


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[Assistant] Once you download Mercari, you just have to take pics of your stuff, add a description, and it's listed. When it's sold, Mercari makes it easy by emailing you a shipping label so you can box your item and send it to its new home. Shopping on Mercari saves you money. You'll find practically new items at up to 70% off.


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[Assistant] Mercari is a simple way to make sure things don't go unused by selling them instead of letting them sit around. And let me tell you what I like best about Mercari. They give you the shipping label. End of story. Boom.


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[Assistant] Your stuff might be exactly what someone else is looking for, so turn your goodbye into their hello on Mercari. Start buying and selling when you download today from the app stores or at mercari.com. That's M-E-R-C-A-R-I. Mercari, your marketplace.


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[Assistant] I wasn't even sure what gasoline looked like until I saw it in that container.


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[Assistant] Well, and when I- What's that? I like about this talk too, is it appears to be somewhere exotic. This is not like complete fun. Her lips are dry. Oh. Might have some lip gloss. Can I have some? Sure.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's at night time. I only put that on for night moves. Sorry.


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[Assistant] That's the worst. Dry lips are fuckin' torture. Especially cause you don't even need to have them. You can just fuckin'. Put it on, just put on a little. Oh, I like her. Who wants a car wash? This is Alice.


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[Assistant] That's right, so she's in her 70s, she's got a rockin' hot bod, and her husband usually takes photographs and videos of her. He loves it. Loves showing her body off.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she's doing the car wash. Any, would you hit it?


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[Assistant] You think she does a good, an adequate job.


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[Assistant] She looks great. Give her some credit. Give her some credit. I like that. And she's smokin' hot. She knows what she likes.


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[Assistant] Yes. Now this is also on Spirit Airlines, which as we know.


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[Assistant] It's the bottom of the barrel. I think only sun something.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and you have to pay extra for like, your bag, for everything, for everything.


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[Assistant] How do they, why, so let me ask you, why are they so cheap? Is it that the,


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[Assistant] I had no idea, cause the nuns that I went to Catholic school with were never this fine.


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[Assistant] That means that nuns don't even curse when they're caught off guard.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and that's what I like to do.


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[Assistant] Now, Tom, I don't know if you recall, uhm, Love After Lockup.