[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Personally, I would take the sexual abuse from my granddad, but, cause then you can just go to therapy and deal with that, but you can't treat retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's just like, I love Korean barbecue and I love sushi. Can't even imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so funny? Yesterday we flew home on Virgin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, our, our fright attendant, her name was Debbie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's ding dong. I don't buy that. I would know when I was choking and then I back up off of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine blowing just a random plane of people? You know how many gross people are on airplanes? There was fat ones, skinny ones, greasy ones, smelling ones. I was on a plane last week where uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this kid was taking a shit in first class. We reveal later he was a teenage boy. And anyway, the guy was in there for 20 minutes, the flight attendant was knocking on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Knocking on the door, finally he gets out. It's a teenage Asian kid, and he's fat. He takes a big shit, and it stank so bad that the guy in front of me refused to go in and take a piss. I was like, you gotta be kidding me. And then this hippie guy-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks, Caroline. Now, Caroline, I am, I have used Nair on my legs and it is a very volatile chemical substance. It smells really bad and strong. So, she's right, you gotta be real careful about it touching your kibbles and bits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you put on your asshole, I mean, I don't know how she does it. She, she must have a lot of experience cause that, that is tricky. I'll try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really will burn. You gotta be careful. If you get it on your tender, your tender zones, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's quittin' air like burns the hair off. That's I think how it works. It's like a chemical burn. I'm gonna try it. It's pretty gnarly. I'm gonna try it. Hey, you gotta get your teeth whitened before I know you do your stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. Okay, so let's go there. Would you rather work at Walmart and have to do that every morning?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so then there, but then there's this other, I've had this job before where you call people and you solicit them to buy tickets to things or to take surveys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay no, it's Walmart and you do that or you have to go door to door and get people to like save the whales or donate money to the children but you're going door to door. I would rather do that. And you have to do the pitch of like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd rather do the cheering honestly. It's so hard to go door to door and get rejected. I mean I've done, I've done the call center stuff. That shit is hard. No way man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the fucking, you know what it is, I can't feign, I can't feign team spirit. That's, that's the soul crushing part is that you really give a shit about Walmart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do I get healthcare? No? Oh, just the CEOs? Oh, okay. Sweet, man. No. Terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's everyone I meet, uh, when I'm doing stand-up, they're like, Burt's fat again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you know that his wife, didn't the Hulk's wife leave him for like, one of their daughter's friends, like a 20 year old boy? Oh my god. How, would you murder me if I did that? Cause they were together for a long time, Hulk and Linda, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that would break me. Like if we have a family together, we have like our kids are grown and then you're like, I'm just going out with one of your, one of our daughter's friends. I hope you're okay with that. Like no, that would make me kill myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think, why does that marriage like? What does that have to, could you imagine right now, and you've talked to 20 year olds, and no offense to any 20 year olds, I'm not, I just think that 40 is significantly different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just in a different place. I'm not shitting on 20 year olds, by any means. But what do you, what do you think that's like? I mean, ugh, it's gotta be torture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Marrying, you'd probably marry a Dalmatian. After me, after me with all these thoughts, words, blah blah blah, blah blah, talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a yoga instructor. That's always who they marry. You just teach yoga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But these are all things people really wonder about. You know, this show is so important, we're really doing important work here. Nobody asks these questions!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't even ask what your pronoun is because you don't know the difference who you're looking at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess when they have sexual encounters, and they touch a vag, and they're like, that's gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Do you like those dirty pillows mashed against you or not? Yeah. Huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, it's also hard fat. It looks hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to basics, King. Why, get back to the fart vids. Look, I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like there's a new contest evolving between the two of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Firstly, might I address that previous gentleman's email about me not wanting to compete in said water consumption contest. A, I don't need to compete because I know I am the water champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the goddess of water consumption. Anybody that's seen me perform live during my special even, I had the wherewithal to drink bottles of water. I mean, I'm just that dedicated. I don't need. Secondly, I feel like there's a new game in town and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I've noticed over the years, I've known you for 12 years, that's how long we've been together, that generally speaking, I'm more observant than you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying that in a room of things, I know it's different immediately. Like I walk into my shrinks office every week and I can, oh is that a new book on the shelf? Well yes it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the one thing I can't do, and you've brought this up before, is sometimes I can't read people emotionally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but that's because of my upbringing because I was raised by a mentally ill person and I don't always identify feelings properly, but I'm in therapy for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I'm good at in observation world. No, I'm serious. I can listen to somebody talk and then I go, oh, I know what their issues are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Negative! If we have dinner with somebody, and I'll be like, did you notice how, uhm, he spoke to her, his wife this way, and that happened, that dynamic, and you'll be like, oh yeah, no, I'm like, cause you're not observant!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His childhood thing is because of this and that. I can break down, why am I lying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm definitely not stronger. That I will give you. I don't have a full beard and I am not strong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my vision and hearing is much better than yours as well. And my teeth are wider. Just like your sister, I have perfect teeth and perfect vision.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's right. We made a list of things people were not allowed to do and number one was don't shout hey Hitler. It'll interfere with the record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And I knew, I knew Rogers, I did. It just took me a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm actually thinking of Heidi Klum, but she has those little rabbit teeth. She's got those real feminine front two rabbit teeth. That's how I wanted my veneers to look, a little more rabbity. But he did it already on these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does he look fatter to you? You just saw him recently, you said?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No offense, I'm not a huge country fan per se, but we love your videos. I love them because they're so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, Dolly Parton is famous for being super fan friendly. Like I know that she lets people like sleep on her front lawn. I've heard weird stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you know what's interesting too is that in this day and age, in feminism, a lot of women are saying that this is empowerment, right? Like I'm like a hot chick and don't call me slut, like I can put my label on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, a lot of women see it, they flip it. Uh, I don't know if I agree with it necessarily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I like too? The attention to the, the pussy details. If you look, there's a lot of camel toe and then you can actually see like some vatch. Oh really? I mean like look at her lips right here. Yea, you can see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well plus you were, you were on a podcast with like, I don't know what those girls look like, but they're probably like two hot chicks, right? Yeah. Talking about banging dudes. So of course your lady's gonna be like, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, I'd be like, first of all, you're not doing that show. And then secondly, what'd you talk about with those sluts? I'm sure they're lovely. I don't even know them. Are they comics?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, who do you hate the most in country music right now? Who's the worst?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now will you be opening, uh, a Pussy King restaurant?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're going to do a pocket pussy, but nothing for restaurants or food?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're right, it is something that Garth didn't adapt to this digital era. I mean Lady Gaga-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because Lady Gaga is on Twitter and she's got gazillion, you know, millennials and Garth didn't get that audience, I guess, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do you think that Garth Brooks is responsible for the sarcification of country music?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I loved it. You know what I love? It does hearken back to, I mean at least what little I know of country music, kind of the OG themes of like, I hope your fucking dog dies, you know, it's the heartbreak and the drama.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you think that, you know, once your mom sees how successful you are, that you can be like, mom, this is the house that fuck you bitch built, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's another universal theme. I mean, I think a lot of men would, would, it resonates with, I want a finger in my butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, honestly as a lady, I would be like, gosh, this guy's really funny. I feel like I get it. I don't know if I would go to a show, cause I'm like, is it gonna be a bunch of dudes? Are they gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So are ours, west coast. West coast is great. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're smart. You're a trailblazer, you're unique, you're an outcast, and I think that's why people appreciate your work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My introduction, my song I just made on Facebook, it's called Crazy Isn't It. Well, here I go, I'll drop that verse for you. Crazy isn't it. Crazy isn't it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My introduction, my song, oh, crazy, isn't it? Well, here I go, I'll drop that verse for you. Crazy, isn't it? Crazy!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I couldn't get into that. I tried and I couldn't. Did you try?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you- I hear that happens when you- when you get snipped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you might not, I don't think you make a bagock in the beginning and then you make something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Dr. Drew was saying that he doesn't have any juice that comes out, cause he had a- That wouldn't make sense. No, he had, he had a testicular cancer. Sorry, not of a psych to me. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no per- perm in it. Sperms. Perms. Like shrimps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, people do mispluralize that. Sperms, shrimps, a lot. I hate that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I hate that. Are they just came from the library?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so it was, uh, oh, so we, we tried watching yesterday after Porn Ends 2.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hoping to find some gems in there like we did with the other porno documentary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we were looking for some gems, but apparently these porn stars they followed are too smart, and they figured out how to get out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, to his credit, he looks great. Like he really seems to maintain his body well and he's working out a lot and he seems happy. Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The really defined and the veins and all that. You and your dad are built like brick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's, but your dad is the type of personality who really likes structure and discipline and focus and like having that. You know what I found, uh, unrelated to this really interesting watching that documentary was like, um, she was an old lady now, but she did like the devil and Mrs. Jones or whatever that porno is, the old ass one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a little old as fuuuuuck. Bitch, why you old, huh? She's old. She's old. Old. Old. She's like the rub-rub guy. Yeah. But, uh, so, but they showed a picture of her nude and I was startled by it because you're like, oh yeah, that's what human bodies looked like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Human bodies with natural breasts that just that laid normal and they weren't enormous quadruple D fuck my triple D slut wife tits. I know and platinum blonde


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know which committee decided that all porn chicks have to look identical, because I mean, like, like, there are men who like hungrier tits and big butts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the beginning was Pam Anderson. Honestly, I think sometime around her era,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People went, oh, the gold standard is blonde as fuck, huge tits, tiny, tiny waist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Barbie. It's essentially Barbie. Even actually, no, the porn star's body is bigger tits than what Barbie had. Barbie was like a C.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The girls do the, well what's interesting about the body thing is that they take half naked pictures. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I don't know. We'll have to figure this out. Should we press pause? I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got some exciting show businesses for Tom, which we can't reveal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cross your bee holes. It's all good. Big excitement. Good week for the Cigar House. Not going on. Yeah, what were we talking about before the surprise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fudge. Oh, scamper snapples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he calls him a cock bite, which is really funny, I've never heard that one before. Cock bite is amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you feel like, uh, you don't get to hear people yell like this anymore. You know, you don't really get to see it cock bites and stuff. I feel like I haven't seen people freak out like this in a minute. I like it. Yeah, I miss it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Hi, fuck you, you cock sucker. Yeah. Cock bite! Cock bite? And I missed the racist ones, remember? And he's like, you fucking speck!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Suck My Pussy, that was good. It's been a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or kiss my pussy. Not suck my pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, our old landlord, uh, one of our past landlords was a longshoreman, and he was not, he was a very gentle, sweet guy, but he would tell stories of his, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was at the Aeropuerto yesterday, bright and early, and uhm, I was listening to people talk on their phones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the rage inside of me is kinda like that, like the cock bite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rage, where you're like, what are you doing, asshole? You know what, especially in this era, people feel okay about watching videos on their phone at full volume in public. Like, who's, nobody's correcting this behavior, but the phone conversation's insidious because you're on the receiving end of one side of a conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think when it's way worser is when it's in a foreign language. Because now I can't, I don't even understand what the fuck you're saying. And your language sounds horrible to me. And is it, I think the worst language


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what he was, it may have been Vietnamese only because they don't have volume control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yelling in your language, and it's... Listen, we spoke Hungarian growing up in my house, but you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What we didn't do in public is speak Hungarian because it's rude and it excludes people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and it's never about, you know, it's not about who won the Nobel Prize or, uh, you know, quantum theory. It's always like, we're gonna meet you down at the baggage claim, alright? Yeah. Okay, well, is Susan gonna bring the cake? Yeah, she's gonna bring the cake. Like, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what's your least favorite language though? Let's get into that. I'm gonna go with, I don't like Russian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like Russian because culturally, that's my tribe-ish. They're my, our cousins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So boring. People just repeat the same things to each other over and over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time you and I were at a hotel. We were coming out of a nice restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was a guy on his speaker phone, I don't know if you remember it, but we were getting a valet, we were waiting for the valet, and full, full volume, like, like sounding like Ivory Coast something, and so, I mean, actually I enjoyed him because I liked that accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, the, uh, it was just, he was so loud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so, it's just so deb- and when you're tired and you're in the airport, you're like, I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna hear your fuckin', I don't wanna hear you, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or your video, or the music. The worst, one time I was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I was on a plane and a guy was watching his movie, but he had his earbuds in, but the volume was pumping out full, full volume and it was a late night flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm eyeballing him, eyeballing him, finally I go, excuse me, could you listen to that on your earphones? And he goes, oh, I thought I was, I'm so sorry. And then he plugged it in. That was the one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is to the advent of the cellular phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the iPhone etiquette. We really haven't, we haven't figured out yet what proper etiquette is for the phone. I think that'll be hopefully in the next few years. People go, alright, a dinner, it shouldn't be on the fucking table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not gonna answer that, that's a setup of some sort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's called the something of the gifted child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to. Hey, anyone out there want Fart Mistress? This one owns it. I'll sell it to you for a reasonable price.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a wrong one. Oof. Whoa! That's her fart. That was a really good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so glad you brought that up. You may want to hit the all aboard brown talk. We're about to get into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a lot of fun, met a lot of, uh, mommies. And so anyways, on Saturday, I go have Thai food by my hotel on the Embarcadero there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't eat fucking honky food, you know what I'm saying? When I want flavor, I get some goddamn flavor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dad loves the food there, so I go to this Thai place, I order my Panang curry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, you make that shit spicy, and don't make a fucking white girl spicy, like I want legit heat on that bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any hoodles. I order it and I ask for spicy and they bring it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, oh shit, like they really- It was too much. But I couldn't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like I have to do this, like I can't, I have to save face, so I eat it, I forget about it, I'm fine. And then showtime rolls around, and the farts begin. And I had forgotten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I had eaten earlier, I was like, why are these farts here? You know, when you do that, where you kind of are like, I'm farting, but I'm not sure why. And then it occurred to me, I had that Thai food and it was like mystery solved. So I sit down and make brown and I'm having so many pain and so much pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause the farts are really violent, like hard farts. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking, I'm shitting, I'm shitting, and it's showtime now. I'm getting, I'm getting text messages from the club, like, hey, this show's at 7.30, you know that, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's bad, and it's like a multi-wiper, and I don't have time to go shit to shower, because it's showtime, like I'm-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just have to keep rub, rub, rub, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. Never ending wipe. There's- I have a leaky butt. There's so much toilet paper in the bowl. There's so much brown in the bowl. It was so painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the Comedy Zone. And that's where I had turds on the ground and I had to tell the hotel staff that there were turds on the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was really good. So I got really close to turrets on the ground, but no turrets on the ground in San Francisco, but it was close, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you get that too? I forget. What? The never ending wipe where like, you just keep wiping all night. So upsetting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, I know! They have a dog do it, like a seeing eye dog helps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good theory. Well if you're blind, I guess, have someone write in for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't type on the email. Sure they do. Oh, they have braille keyboards, huh? Right. Oh yeah, okay, so use your braille keyboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're dumb. We don't know these things. See, this is so important, the work we're doing on your mom's house. Like, remember when I asked if retarded people knew they were retarded? And now we're gonna find out if blind people know how they're done wiping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just can't stop thinking about it. I feel like that's wild. Okay, oh, here's what I was gonna say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause sometimes browns are misleading. Like the other week I had what I thought would be a disastrous cleanup. Like it was hot and I was like, oh, this is going to be a nightmare. And I went to wipe and the paper was totally clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, it's not, it's just not a, a sure, a science, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now they're not all gay, now they're all nerds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear because of the tech industry moving up there that there's a lot more straight guys, but that they're all socially not adept.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. It's terrible. It must be hard. It was hard when I was living there and now it's gotta be way worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but then I go, not LA. Like I just remember, it's not LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Here's what's hard about SF is that just getting groceries, like you don't have a car there because it's so hard to have a car because there's no parking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Redondo. Venus. Manhattan's for- I don't like Manhattan. Manhattan's too bro-y sometimes for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I wouldn't live there because there's only like 3000 people on that island. Too small. Too small.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. God, you're so smart. You're so smart. Can we talk about our dad's day? Yeah. And my Smurf day yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Sir Paul McCartney, that's what he likes me to call him. And- Sir Paul? Sir!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, uh, spent the morning stuck on a plane. I woke up, I slept for three hours, it was fun. And, uh, but you got me this gorgeous ring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why? Cause I'm so Eastern block that I immediately think, how much did you pay for this? I don't deserve this. I don't want to wear something expensive. Well, it was either that or a car. Or Ellis's college. I'm glad we spent it wisely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her name is Asia Kate Dillon. She's, she's one of the white girl, white supremacist characters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she plays one of the, like I said, one of the white supremacist girls on Orange is the New Black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there are very few safe spaces for them. I'm grateful for my visibility and the conversations that are happening now. And I just, I like the comments. So someone wrote, thank you Asia for complicating the narrative and keeping it intersectional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what it means either, that's why I love it. Oh wait, okay, so she's on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This new show, she's the new non-non-binary character. Oh, on billions. On billions, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This other person writes, there's also living in a country where the language doesn't gender neutral pronouns so you have to invent them and that makes it harder for people to understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, so I don't understand, so you film, um, a year apart or simultaneously?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's, you know what's funny, when I think about Ellis, there's only a couple of real things I, I don't like about having a kid, like, and this is so stupid, but I don't like not sleeping as much as we used to, or sleeping in. That part of motherhood is the only thing that really bums me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude it took me an hour and a half to get to my hotel when I did Gotham.


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[Assistant] Yeah. So how, what, what, like where, what was a defining moment for you where you're like, I know, it's not for me.


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[Assistant] And what was the epiphany? Was it that, uh, God doesn't exist or that this particular system of religion is not for me?


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[Assistant] I wanna talk about this brown I had with you though.


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[Assistant] Anyway, Ari, I'm glad you're here because you and I, we share a common bond, uh, that we both love to shit and shower.


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[Assistant] Now, that's interesting because necessity is the mother of invention. It is! Now, with me, it was that I have what is known as the never-ending wipe. I get leaky butt, where I wipe, I wipe, I wipe, and the paper's always brown. And I found that the only way to stop the brown


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is if I shower my butthole, then the brown stops coming down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a wash lead, it's a bidet in your turlet and you don't have to go into the shower physically.


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[Assistant] No, but wait, I have further questions for Ari. I'm so fascinated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I can't. Okay. Wait, hold on. Save it. Save it. Wait, wait. I've been dying to talk to you about this for months. Okay. So now when you do shit to shower in your world, do you do a cursory wipe, an exploratory wipe, or you literally dump your shit straight to shower without even a cursory wipe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he's gonna shower there after me and I don't want shit in our shower necessarily. So I do an exploratory consideration wipe. Now sometimes I have just known, like, that wasn't a massive brown, there's not, there's nothing on my asshole. That was a clean break, it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, yeaah, I'll only do that if I'm confident that there's no brown on my butthole. I will just go straight to shower if I'm confident. And sometimes I am.


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[Assistant] Cause I've seen girls that can queef on command. I've had friends that can do it. And you lay on your back and you suck in the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that? Did you prefer that to your shit to shower?


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[Assistant] Uh, hey, I had a question. Oh hey, we had an email today. How do blind people know when to stop wiping? What are your thoughts on that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, right. What are you saying? Cause I'm an observational person. That you, why, why do they have to smell their bare hand like you said? Why not smell the toilet paper?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, pulled his pants down, his underwear down. Please put him back on, for the love, we have dogs in here. Okay, so he's, he's showing.


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[Assistant] He's squatting. He's squatting, but you're squatting straight, so everything's at a perfect angle. Okay, so you're hanging.


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[Assistant] Now when you were doing that at Griffith Park, what about the weeds and the brush touching your dick and your balls and your butthole and all that?


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[Assistant] So your polyps, is that what you have? Polyps? Is that in your butthole, you said you have hemorrhoids. Oh hemorrhoids, internal hemorrhoids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still, it's still like that Ari. I can show you right now.


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[Assistant] Ah. Oh, I saw that on the, uh, I saw that. Sam Tripoli's thing. How'd that go? Did it hurt?


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[Assistant] That's so funny that people are doing that. Is that real? I mean, if you're a porn star, I get it, but otherwise in civilian life, why would you need to have your asshole?


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[Assistant] It's say- Dude, I haven't shit to shower. I only do it in hotels now.


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[Assistant] Well yeaah, they don't- Now I feel like a diminished, degraded human when I have to shit on a toilet that doesn't have a bidet. I feel like it's- I feel like trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's gonna change your life. It's called the Toto Washlet 350e.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I thought it was French maybe, like two T's and an E and washlet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't fucking know, but uh, it'll really change your whole shit game.


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[Assistant] That's how I've discovered my leaky butt problem. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then like hours later I'll be like, oh my god, what, why is there brown there?


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[Assistant] Oh, you know what we should do? What? We should do a would you rather with, uh, Eric.


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[Assistant] There's a couple I got. I just think it would be fun to play with them.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna have to go with the lasagna one today. Cause I like lasagna, like I feel like I could do that.


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[Assistant] I know, it's tough. Cause you know when you make a lasagna, you end up eating it for three or four days anyways.


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[Assistant] That's true. But what could, could you have different lasagnas like with a bechamel sauce one day? Or does it have to be the standard tomato, garfield?


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[Assistant] For the second and the third meal. I agree. I agree. Okay, Ari, ready?


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[Assistant] This is probably one of our most favorite would you rathers on the show. Very popular. Uh, would you rather be retarded?


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[Assistant] You know what I like what Tom does is when he sees a pregnant woman, he'll be like, ugh, what's wrong with her stomach? I'm drinking beers. So stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But on the real though, I mean I want you to be real, this is a serious game. Would you rather be retarded or...


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[Assistant] Let your grandfather jerk you off on a ferris wheel. But, but you get


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[Assistant] Well this is an interesting distinction Ari's making because if it happens to you in your formative years in your youth, it could do long lasting damage. If it happens at what age? Are we talking your child when this happens? Are you an adolescent or are you 40 something year old?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what I thought. I had assumed that you'd be born, we'd go back in time, and you're born retarded, but-


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[Assistant] So let's do it from now on you're retarded, from now on you're...


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[Assistant] Were you too nervous? Was it the pressure of performance? It was just like ridiculous and funny.


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[Assistant] So it's the shame, it's either you doing the thing or having the thing done to you that's shameful.


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[Assistant] No, I have the caveat, here it is. It's a live performance. Guys, here's 10 of my friends, they're all gonna do this with me versus, alright guys, and actually the way I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, originally the way I like this one is to send out a company-wide email. Guys, come to my desk at 1230 and everyone shows up, your boss, and then you're like, and then you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I've lived a great life, I've had a- oh, but my son. Shit, grandfather, I have to raise my kid.


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[Assistant] Or have 10 girls kind of boot cocky you. I mean originally it was 10 homeless men, but I feel like we adapt it for male, you know.


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[Assistant] Right. Interesting point. Interesting point, but can you masturbate in front of your family? That's another thing, looking into your mother's eyes, looking at your sister, looking at your dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, it's a shame displacement. It's either the shaming is done to you or you're responsible for your shame. So that's I think why it's psychologically very provocative.


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[Assistant] And they have, and they, they take the responsibility of what's happening.


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[Assistant] So that's interesting, the shame of, what are your sexual preferences? Ari, are you into, this is what Ari's into. Versus, we don't know what Ari's into, but he's masturbating in front of us, and that's inherently that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, did your mom do the thing where she, when she gets her period, she goes to the water, the jacuzzi?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's great. It's actually a way of making sure you have babies, more juice. And it's nice, it's symbolic.


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[Assistant] Can we get back to the fucking question at hand? He hasn't chosen.


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[Assistant] Now is masturbation so taboo? Yes, it is for your, your house. It's not a normal thing. It's not a natural occurrence, meaning that's the double thing of you having orthodox parents is that, you know, that's off the table discussion wise.


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[Assistant] I displace the shame. I prefer to put the shame on the other people.


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[Assistant] Would you rather have your mouth smell like fiefs? Or our dog, our blonde dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so would you have either your mouth smells like fiefs or my mouth smells like fiefs?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but he's gonna have a bad smelling mouth anyways, cause dad's got dad mouth. You're gonna have dad mouth in like, when you're 50, right? Don't dad's mouth smell like shit anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing. You make, you make a good living doing standup. You would really have to find another. I mean, the podcast is great too, but that would really ruin your livelihood and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard- I have to pee. You guys talk about your trip while I piss.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, can I ask you one thing? It's so dumb and it's like such a minor dumb question, but I've been thinking about it. There was a time during their weigh-ins where Joe called you and you were abroad and he kept calling you and calling you and like you would-


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[Assistant] Oh, this whole time I'm like, why would I do that? I couldn't understand why you would do that to somebody. It was so weird.


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[Assistant] And the Denver shoes, those Denver, uh, rugged sneaks, I see people wearing.


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[Assistant] Now the bummer I was gonna say about that Walmart one, it's like, look, you take a job at Walmart, at least I would, for the chill factor. Like there's not a lot of heavy responsibility, you clock in, you clock out, you don't have, no one's fucking watching you, and then to have to suffer through that corporate nonsense, it takes the whole fun out of working there in the first place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think, I had a, I used to work at a company called World Link that sold airtime for, uhm, infomercials. It was a really bad nine to five. And I remember they used to just have us come in on quarterly meetings and then they would go over the earnings and then we'd have to clap.


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[Assistant] The whistles are loud now. Blow the whistle.


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[Assistant] Woah. Hey Ari, I have a question for you. You know how when you go to fart but you shit and it's called a shart?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what about when you go to take a shit and you only fart? What's that called?


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[Assistant] Oh, you, you leave, you don't, don't send them to a kennel. I have a guy on the east side. Do you live? Oh, but you're in New York exclusively now. Yeah. There's people that you can take them to. It's normal.


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[Assistant] So here's the thing we were talking about is that I should be, I should have been doing fart videos when we were poor in 2008. Like I easily could have done it. And I was thinking of fart videos. Yeah.


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[Assistant] No, you just fart. It's not necessarily porn, you just fart.


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[Assistant] You should charge for your next one and have like a live feed of that fart and people can pay to watch.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but when you hydrate constantly, I mean, and I had that, and I had this coffee. I peed already, so.


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[Assistant] Double negative, and it's a double feature, right?


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[Assistant] They like to drink, they like to party, they're not really into this stuff.


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[Assistant] He was just in it to fuck people over, like for the fun of screwing people over.


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[Assistant] Well yeaah, cause if he's going out, I mean you know I follow all these kids on Instagram like Cameron Dallas, you know who that is?


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[Assistant] He's like the sh- the millennial hot shit. He's like this hot 18 year old boy and he and his friends, they just- You're gonna die.


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[Assistant] They don't have talent, they're just like cute boys on Instagram and they do these meet and greets where they meet like gaggles, just auditoriums, theaters full of like tween pre-adolescent girls and their parents and they hug them and take like chased pictures and


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[Assistant] But they s- they keep growing new ones. You know what I'm saying? It's like- Yeah, like in the different strokes and they added like the red haired kid to make the show appealing again.


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[Assistant] See, but I, I mean, you've said this before, is that you'd prefer hungry tits over big fakers any day.


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[Assistant] Well, yeaah, I mean, but you gotta think the ones that are really into it, like, no they're not. I mean, you gotta be so fucking damaged to be like, I love eight of it, eight guys, ten guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, you know what I like is the, the silliness of it. Like the fact that all over the world, something that's stupid, it's a shared joke. You know, like that's what I like, stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was gonna say that that's probably a way healthy thing of doing. So basically you're saying that I'm not focused on my ego and making me a bigger star, more famous, more famous. That's usually what people do, right? Like, I gotta grow this thing. Your focus is external, which I think is better as a human being, right?


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[Assistant] You know what he's like, he's like a murderer and you know when they all get caught because they brag about shit, like he couldn't help himself talking about ISIS probably, like I got something good I gotta share, I gotta brag about the shit that I know.


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[Assistant] He deinstitutionalized the mentally ill. So he unleashed them on the streets.


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[Assistant] Well, it can happen too, because I don't think Trump really believes all the crap that he was saying that he was behind. Like, do you really think he's anti-abortion? Like, how many abortions has that motherfucker probably paid for himself? You know what I mean? Like, he's not about all the stuff that- do you really believe that? I think he's-


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[Assistant] I'm, I'm enjoying the campaign at like the, the, sorry, the coverage of Melania hating him. Like there's, there's claiming stuff. Like he tries to hold her hand and she swats it away and shit like that. I enjoy.


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[Assistant] But you forget she's my tribe. This is actually the coldness of the Eastern blocker as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she was a hot chick, right? She was like a model. Yeah, for sure. So that's what you gotta do. It's, uh, you know, you can't model forever.


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[Assistant] People are emailing us like, that's fuckin' Fred.


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[Assistant] Sandals, you know what I mean? Like they're just both shut down, yeaah. Yeaah, it gets sad.


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[Assistant] Maybe. We like to think of the backstory. Yeah. Was he there for the construction? Was he part of it somehow?


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[Assistant] Dear Mommy Tina, I completely understand your need for Tom to have enthusiasm, as my fiance is just as chill and unexcitable as Tom. There is nothing more agitating than being excited for something and only getting a smile from my man. That just proves that you are the personality champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Personality is all about getting excited, having different moods, and responding accordingly to other people. Clearly, Tom doesn't have what it takes to be considered a champ. It's all you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] P.S. I also get farted on and treated like a sister. We are definitely into weird territory.


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[Assistant] That's a sound cue. You know how like morning shows will have like air horns or whatever? We have chips in the bowl.


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[Assistant] Alright, here it is, the announcement. I can finally make it June 24th at the Showbox Theater in Seattle.


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[Assistant] Tickets are on ThousandRanch.com, uh, the link is up, it is active so you can get those tickets now. Please mommies, let's pack it out so I can have a great taping. There's two shows, uh, Seven and Nine Thirty, Bang Bang, and The Great City of Meat Rattle. I can't wait to go there, we have so many mommies there.


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[Assistant] It's the best. That's why I chose that city. I mean, I, you know, LA is obviously my heart for real though. But what you said, the showbiz element, that is the problem.


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[Assistant] Bump to it and bell and whistle cause you forget the cadence.


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[Assistant] And I have to get full focus, like I can't fuck around with anything, like it's laser until that date.


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[Assistant] Letterman hated himself. I read some book about him years ago and every episode he would go home and just put on the hair shirt and flog himself. Like that was the worst episode ever. And in my estimation, he's the best. I love Letterman so much, but he hates himself. That's why.


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[Assistant] I just love when they, they used to really mismatch my openers, like this is back in the day I was opening Fort Lauderdale, and they gave me this, ugh, this guy who was like, Ladies! You gotta suck a dick!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Fort Lauderdale was a close second. I'd say Miami was number one in terms of- No, Fort Lauderdale, the Hollywood improv?


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[Assistant] Dude, that was such a rep. The first night I ever did the Cleveland improv, uh, uh, John and a pimp, you know what I'm saying, the pimp.


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[Assistant] The hooker and the John were getting in a fight right at the front row and they got thrown out.


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[Assistant] Yeah, me neither. Cause I think we have empathy. I have broken legs.


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[Assistant] Maybe it's an unconscious wish fulfillment, like he doesn't want to live to reproduce.


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[Assistant] You know what, I feel like it's too synthetic tasting. That's what bothers me. It's like, I like the Dr. Pepper-alike taste, but-


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[Assistant] Urologist. He goes, you're drinking too much. You drink, drink far less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, just drink when you're thirsty. You're over-hydrating. True story.


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[Assistant] Joe, that was a horrible, the two or three days leading up to those weigh-ins were just horrible at our house. I mean, he was taking hot baths and then going into the jacuzzi and drinking distilled water and then going to Burke Williams and doing the sauna and then


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[Assistant] It's non-binary, yeah. What's your pronoun?


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[Assistant] And then a celebration show that night at the Comedy Store, which sold out in like three minutes. Oh my gosh. Uhm, that'll be next Friday the 18th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else? We have a live podcast August 23rd in Breastballs Beach, Florida. If you're in Palm Beach County, Broward County, Dade County, Indian River County,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please come to the Palm Beach Bimprov. Uhm, then things ramp up for me right before I shoot my special. I added a show at the Brea Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple nights before, so Wednesday, September 13th, I'm doing the Brea Improv 1 show only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next night, I'm doing Oakland, the Fox Theater, and then I shoot, uhm, in Denver on the 16th. Very excited, uhm, first show is sold out, the second show has like 200 tickets left, so if you're in Denver and you haven't got tickets yet and you wanna go, I recommend getting them now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm also doing Lincoln, Nebraska, Springfield, Missouri, and Midwest City, Oklahoma earlier in the month. And we added, uh, second shows in Fartgo, North Dakota, St. Loose Tits, Missouri. And, uhm, I'm coming to Jew Dork Titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we have it to make a correction. If you, and it wasn't your fault, you made a logical assumption, which was that if you had tickets to the July Irvine Improv podcast that they transferred, they did not. Everyone was refunded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, if you want to go to the October 8th Irvine, your mom's house live, you gotta get tickets. Uhm, they are at the bottom of my tour page, if you go to TomSaguro.com slash tour, scroll all the way to the bottom, it says live podcast, you can get tickets to either West Palm or Irvine there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very exciting. Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the Moose Soup remix, uh, by Matt Mercer. That is excellent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we were like finding, uh, the stuff from, from that, like scrolling through it trying to find out, you know, like what was said and hearing it again just in real time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, amazing, amazing. Uhm, we even, by the way, this is, uh, not something we normally do. Let me see if I can, uh, pull this up. So we had, we've had like all these great designs come in, you know? Uh, and this one was also sent in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The mousse soup men's black t-shirt. So somebody made a darker color. Yeah, dark one with a soup can on it, but it's a brilliant design and it says the mousse soup lady. So that's also in our store. Thank you everybody who's been supporting. They got the rub rub shirt. It makes you very uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got a number of interesting messages about that. People got the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the, the rub rub shirt, the, uh, come down from the soup shirt. Um, sorry, that was wrong. Uh, the sup cane, the new, uh, that was the, uh, this is one that Dos Brack made, uh, the Irish designer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's too good and the designs are too good to not do them, so.


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[Assistant] Thank you guys for supporting the store. Silliness. Ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ever since I lost some weight, I always think about whether I like what I'm eating or whether I'm just eating to eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just also, I'm like, I used to be like, this isn't that good, but I'll eat the whole thing. Like that's how I used to just walk through everything. Yea, like a donkey. Like, it's alright, I'll finish it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And it'd be, you know, really calorically and sugar rich and I'd be like, ehm, just eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this kid, uhm, he's a blogger. And I have to say, you know, I commend him for his honesty. Uh, I think the general, you know, the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I've met, I've talked to dudes before who are into, like, funky smells, you know? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna say, but I wonder, I mean there's gotta be some women that are into the funky smell, right? No. No? None?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. No, you are less nasty. There's definitely way more dudes that are like, I like a funky asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think that there's an important distinction to be made here is that I don't think he is necessarily aroused by shit. Correct. He's aroused by the mix of this musk of sweat. Right. And there's, there's some butt funk in there. Right. And that's what's turning him on. Right. It's not just a dump sitting in the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Farts push the shit out, which you mistakenly were saying for years.


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[Assistant] It's almost like your mother was a flat earther and then somebody just kind of explained it to you, like it doesn't work that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it could be that it, I mean, I, I'm, yes, but also like, you can have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That attraction to someone you don't know, right? He could just be like, Oh, I like, I guess, yeah, this person smells. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had, uh, manufactured smell repulsion from perfumes, colognes, fucking patchouli oil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too. That's my least favorite. Man, if you were one of those chicks, there'd be no boners in this house. No boners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she wasn't. Really? So she was just not wiping?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of boring. I agree with him. I agree with him. Yeah, I don't want, I mean, out of the shower, yuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me, let me know you're, uh, you're doing some work. Building your musk? Yea, build that musk. There was a real musk builder at that gym I used to go to. Oof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That dude was foul, and it was like a message to the rest of the gym. To the bears? Yeah, I'm here. Smell my funk. He was nasty. But there's probably dudes walking around that gym like, aw fuck, that dude stinks so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trish is a little stinky. She's got that wine mouth. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, both kind of moose soup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Type of chicks, for sure. Yeah, that's definitely, definitely your speed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I did, uhm, Conan. Is that how you say it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really fun time doing the show, and I got to, I won't play the whole thing, but I did get to sneak this into the top of the show, or the top of the interview, and he's like, oh, you look great, and I'll let you hear the beginning of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone wants to know how one does that. Cause everyone's obsessed with it. What was your trick? Everybody's been at it. I was in a weight loss contest with this super fat comic named Burnt Chrysler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's like there's a pre-interview and I told the producer, I was like, I'm gonna call him burnt. I go, you know, if you want to tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, you can go to Team Coco, I won't just play clip after clip of that, but teamcoco.com or the YouTube Team Coco page and you can see it if you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, our little gene, learning different languages. That's right. And Top Dog, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fresh and clean, I had a fresh haircut, which is important for television.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's really, really great. Somebody sent, speaking of Top Dog, this, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna see it? Yeah. So does this sound like Top Dog to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does that sound like him to you? Yeah, uh, Blue Band was like, dude, this thing sounds just like that. To me, I think it's a little different. Like my ear is so tuned to his voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you were to hear a man, would you want him to be like, oh, you have smooth skin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Gross. So weird to hear his boner stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, I definitely, I don't think it does it for me to have, if it was a toy that was like, oh baby, you're so hard. I wouldn't be like, yeah, this is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. This shit ain't right. It's totally. You nasty old man. It's super nasty man. Super nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's over. It's one testosterone just leaves the body entirely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forties, fifties and stuff for sure. But you can see the shutdown occur early.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I think it's actually fetishized, like, like, like butt-smeller kid there. Interesting. Because I know, I don't know about it the other way as much, but I know some dudes that really like, you know, I mean at least really big women. Yeah. So that could be perceived as like, oh, does that person not care? But actually they're turned on by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big ol' flappy, sloppy rolls. You know? I mean, that's a turn on for some people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like a hundred and fifty pounds. Just, just there wasn't an ounce of anything extra on him. It really was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, uh, she needed, she called him over to pick her up from the, she had like sat in the, where the waves break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing about that guy on this particular couple, while it could be that like, oh he loves her or he's just, he seemed broken. I remember that guy. He didn't, there was no joy in his face. You know, the way he carried himself like a sad man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was a, uh, I almost picked up that she was abusive. That was my version.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it seemed like to me. Yeah. Yeah. It definitely. Oh yeah. How did we not think about this when we, uh, we're playing this smell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that in that thing he's like, we're just trying to train these dogs. Like he's like really doing a service to people. Uh, just so you know, coming up in a little bit here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, uh, called Rabbit. We both got copies of it. We'll be talking to her very shortly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy story, great comic, uh, very, very funny. If you ever have a chance to see Miss Pat, I would definitely go get it. She's fucking hilarious, dude. She's really, really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. She doesn't live in India. You think I meant? That's what I thought you said. I was saying Bombay. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm saying is, anytime anybody farts, and you fart out of your butthole, it's just a fart. I mean, this doesn't matter. It can sound like any number of things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay, I wonder where queef comes from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there's no Spanish word for queef. Aqueef, the sound of air escaping from the vagina during after intercourse, is slang for vaginal flatulence. We know that, but we don't know, uhm, when it starts. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then cum just comes from scum. Yeah. Right? You drop the S.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it must be a fraternal, it's like an autocorrect probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well it's funny because, uhm, Ryan Sickle-Sell-Sickler is a fraternal twin, and I mentioned this before, he said they've done comparisons and they have different dongs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's what I would say to that. I mean, at first you go, of course, what a brilliant thought. But if you are blind and you know your space,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, your toilet, you could still just be like, oh, here's the toilet, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would know where it is, you know how to aim, and you also can hear your pee hitting the water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, missed a little, like in hotels, you know, and you're like, oh fuck, and then, but you do, you generally do it by like, here it is, like you kind of get a, a, a, like a sense of it's right here, and then you go by the sound, because your P-stream hits the water in the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then all of a sudden you hear like the porcelain, you're like, oh, I'm off to the- and you kind of go back down to the water, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By going into a urinal, I mean, I would assume that if they, you know, you know where it is, you could aim for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, but it's an interesting question. I think it's interesting. We have a deaf question too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jason. I'd go retarded. I don't know. That's a great question. I assume that for the deaf, they must sell a really strong, really strong version of a flashing light and a vibration.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're right. I just, I mean, I remember in high school, we played a deaf school once for a, not for a regular season game, but for a, like a spring game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they knew like go on 2, go on 3, go on 4.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. We fucked them up. We fucked those deaf kids up. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And once you like think about it, you're like, oh, that makes sense. Yeah. They can't, no one can do a snap count, regular one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mommy, since we use mister to talk about males, and miss, and missus to talk about females, what word do we use to refer to zimzers like ourselves? Zach. Huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause you go like, here's Mrs. P, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I'm nonconforming gender equal. Right. So I would prefer that you used my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, because normally you'd be like, here's Mr. So-and-so, here's Mrs. So-and-so. Let's say you're presenting someone who's non-gender conforming. Would you say, here is, this is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you see that uhm, that person said that, uh, that that old SNL sketch, Pat, was anti-trans propaganda?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who said it? Jill Soloway is an American comedian, playwright, writer, director. Soloway identifies as non-binary, prefers the singular they pronoun, one best director for Afternoon Delight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also known, they are also known for their work on Six Feet Under and for writing, oh, so this is, they are the creator, writer, director of Transparent, which one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man, that's uhm, but I thought that that, the, the story was absolutely absurd. Yeah. That, that Pat was propaganda. No, I don't think so. That was a funny sketch and that, that sketch,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my memory, I mean, yes, it was a while ago, was like universally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Celebrated as just a really funny, like the concept of Pat, if you never saw it, was that you didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so people were always like, I don't know what to call this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the whole thing, tap dancing around, what gender are you, and then they would try to solve it, and they'd think they got close, and then they'd throw another curveball, and you're like, fuck. And it was always really, I thought it was very cleverly written, you know, at the time. I don't remember the exact details, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought people loved Pat. I never thought of it as hateful or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No. No. No. First of all, he's not bothered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He go, why don't you cut a fart? Cut a fart? Why don't you cut a fart? SHIT! Holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when life is worth living. He would be upset. My dad really would be like, Hugo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. When I cut that, uh, that channel, it kind of, kind of went away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did that go away? Yea. You know what I did? I accidentally hit the PFL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had those fish oil pills and it's like you, it's like you just ate, uh, a fucking, like a salmon buffet or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charle would get upset. So upset. She would be very dramatic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah! And she would be like, you're sick. Like, she would do that whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you wanna see, uh, a super excited guy, uhm, a guy who's super excited by bees? Of course. He's really pumped up for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a pet peeve with people that are animal experts sharing what animals feel and think as if they know because some research was done. When he goes, they're pessimistic, some are thrill seekers. Did you talk to him about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do they, they tell you how they felt that day? How do you know that what you're interpreting as sad is sad? It's an, it's a B. What's the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at this guy, he's always that adrenaline junkie, this bee over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those glasses don't seem like real glasses. No. This guy's fuckin'. This guy's out of his mind. He's so crazy. I bet you he knows how to eat a box though. Bam. Don't you think he has like super pun-a-linga skills?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he goes to, like, uh, those masturbation seminars where he sits in the circle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, you can stroke from the top and you can, one of the things I like to do is I switch hands. Yes. You go back and forth and you build up, you build up that stamina. Yeah. And you just keep going and then you don't release. He's definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should show her the, the, the dad boner of, uh, we can show her the B guy, and we can show her the Canadian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think she thinks? We can ask her about the smell of ass kid. Something's wrong with him. I bet she'll think something's wrong with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said that the, cause usually steamed broccoli, it smells like farts and it tastes like shit. Yeah. But yours tasted good. I don't know how you prepared it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's take a quick break. Tastes like shit. And while you won't know we took a break, we'll be back in mere milliseconds with the great Miss Pat joining us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, definitely. Give her some, uh, juice. How's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She came in, uh, she was within one of winning the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, speaking of nicknames, uh, so the, the new book comes out later this month, is called Rabbit, and there's a, I mean, I was curious about that, and then I'm reading the book, uh, it's your autobiography, and you mention that you got the nickname Rabbit, because I think, was it, was it your grandfather came home?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In your youth, it is heartbreaking. I mean, you know that, like reading it. I mean, there's, there's parts that like, you're kind of, uh, you know, you're,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're happy that you find your way through it and there's these moments of joy and things that you could, but like, it's heartbreaking to read about, you know, the struggle that you went through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This isn't giving up too much, cause it's, I mean, so your, your grandfather basically ran a... A bootleg house. A bootleg house, which was like, you know, uh, if you want a place that doesn't shut down, that serves drinks, you can go to this house. All the time. And your dad, and your granddad has moonshine and like, people could just kind of wild out and have a good night, right? Yeah. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds horrible. There's different things that you read that make you feel and think different ways, but one of the things was the idea of being a kid and having strangers asleep in the house. That seemed like that would suck, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was a treat at the time, right? Like you, you, you thought that was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love also, I mean, there's so many good things in the book, but I love the, uh, like the honesty with which you talk about everyone in the family, but like your mom too, like a lot of people wouldn't be honest about it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was making the transition into selling dope, uh, was that difficult at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love, uhm, I love, you know, the stories about you guys, your mom discovering the church too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was like, one of the things too is like, you know, it's, writing is good writing and good storytelling when you go, I don't know the experience, but you still feel it when you talk about how, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you were a kid and you're watching commercials for food and like you could only dream about it. You know, I didn't have that experience, but I could like step into what you were feeling. Yeah, I could step in your world and be like, Oh, like you're so poor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you don't have access to even go, like, to McDowell. Your mom's like, black people don't eat McDowell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the thing is, when you hear that as a kid and like your parent tells you, you're like, oh okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did you beat that into people's heads? What? Like getting pregnant young. I think I beat her gay. Yeah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have some things we've been talking about we wanted to show you. First of all, uhm, this is, uh, which one first? You wanna do the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This man is teaching guys who, uh, who want more control over their, um, orgasms how to sharpen their knife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he's saying that he wants, like in order to build up that control, you need to rub your dick 350 times. 50, 50 down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy's obviously shitting his pants. He's telling, this guy's saying that he jerks off basically 350 strokes a day every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy is also saying that when you as a man, when you feel the orgasm coming, stop and feel it internally, but don't release it. It's a lot to ask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it like that? Was it, uh, Asian owned, uh, in Atlanta?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, uh, fascinated by that, uh, Chris Rock documentary, Good Hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was really, really insightful. I had no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so funny that word, uh, tender-headed, because I feel like I would be like that, you know? Like, I have sensitive scalp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. That looks, but it's also like in the, you know how when videos are shot, you're like, oh this looks good on the video. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so they put it in and then now they'll do, okay. And how long would it stay, like his hair like this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could see like, meeting someone, you start dating, and then you're like, just keep your secret, and then all of a sudden it's like, a year and a half later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if she, uhm, I think in that situation, if somebody goes like, that shit's nice that you got, and you know how much it costs, you should be like, yeah, I forget where I got it, you know? Like, that's the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you talk about, you know, what you're doing as far as-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you do that, that show will be shot out here, I assume, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And are you guys about to start shooting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it like the publisher that says that? It was the editor. They go, this is just not working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the pages just turn on it now. It's just like, you know, I don't know what it was before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were having this conversation about, you know, dudes are obviously bigger pigs, you know, like men in general are, you know, animals. So this guy's talking about how he gets aroused by smells, like funky smells on women. You think women ever have that same thing? Christina says no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what this guy just said, just so you know. We're not just throwing that at you. This guy said that he likes a stinky ass, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I got something to play for you. Do you think this is a white woman or a black woman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's say they hang out. Right, so this person gets real comfortable. Like, real comfortable. Just, here, you watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but have you seen this already? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wouldn't, and then she, you think she would, uh. No. No way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It fucking hurts. I totally believe you. I totally believe you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you say the hurt, the hurt thing, like I totally believe that. Do you feel like it's different when somebody, does it hurt when somebody is trying to appropriate and like drop it casually? Like, oh you know what I'm saying? Like when someone drops it like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See what I was telling her was that I thought if she lived in Georgia, she lived like 40 miles outside of Atlanta. You know, like she lived.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He's so- that- the Migos thing is a phenomenon of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we want to send you to their seminar and then you come back and give us a, we'll send a camera crew with you and you try to learn. It's only a full weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's, you know, this is part of life, right? She's young, beautiful, she's doing her thing right now. Playing the field.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We found, uhm, a mother and son that got married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they got, they got arrested. They went to get married. They went to jail. Yeah, they went to jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck me. That is so- Now let's re- uh, so people know, what date does the book come out? The book is called Rabbit. It's the autobiography of Miss Pat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. That's awesome. Very happy for you, Ms. Pat. Thank you so very much. It's good to see you again. Thank y'all. Alright guys, thanks for listening to the show and, uh, make sure you check out Ms. Pat's new book. Talk to you later. We'll see you next week. What's it called? Tell them. Rabbit. Rabbit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I first realized this back in 2014 when I was having sex with my girlfriend. I noticed that she had this really strong smell of ass and I really liked it. I found it really enjoyable and arousing. It kind of smelled like this rich odor of body sweat combined with the smell of shit basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it sounds disgusting, but it smells really nice to me. I really like the smell. Is that weird or is that normal? Because the smell of shit shouldn't be nice. It shouldn't be pleasant. It should disgust and repulse people because shit isn't nice. It's disgusting and full of bacteria. You don't want to get anywhere near that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really noticeable every time we had sex, doggy style, and every time I thrusted forwards, the smell would waft upwards into my nostrils, and it was really arousing, I really enjoyed the smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always check to see if the girl has this same smell, but none of them do because they usually wash that area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember that Iranian girl that I met last year in Japan? The one that I asked if she wanted to have sex with me and she said no. Well, one of the main reasons why I felt so attracted to her wasn't because I thought she was pretty or cute. It was because she had this amazing smell of armpit every time she sat next to me in my room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could smell this strong, rich, bitter smell of armpit and it was really arousing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I should've just asked if I could smell her armpit instead of asking for sex. But then if I smelt her armpit, I would've been even more aroused and turned on, and I would've wanted to have sex even more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, one of the main reasons why I felt so attracted to her wasn't because I thought she was pretty or cute. It was because she had this amazing smell of armpit. Every time she sat next to me in my room, I could smell this strong, rich, bitter smell of armpit and it was really arousing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This chick is out of her mind. No shit. God damn it, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tyler, thanks for being here. How about the keys to the game facing Duluth tomorrow?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, to uh, you know, to create that kind of culture where, you know, we hold each other accountable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How angry would your mom get growing up when you rip them like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's sniffing her fingers. Jesus fuck. Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I probably haven't read about it. Are we done?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they can count at least to four. They can be trained to arrive at three, four, and five different times in a 24 hour cycle. They vote!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These insects, these little beings are extraordinary and they're central to our very existence on planet Earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've got some nasty deadly poisons, neonicotinoid poisons, that at about a dozen parts... I hate to show you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I meet most of my clients online through websites that I have profiles on. That page is like Craigslist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But mostly like services for like sex work. I have a hookah twitter and I get clients from that, funny enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A. Radfemz, i.e. Swerf's. Swerf is sex worker or sex work exclusionary feminist. Exclusionary, what's that? Who basically also turfs or trans exclusionary radical feminists. What? Swerf would be like someone who's like anti-sex work, who's a feminist who's anti-sex work. It's a lot of homophobia basically, that's why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I don't understand a feminist who will say that they're like pro, like, women's movements and they're pro, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Under, uh, he was like this really old man, he was like in his like 70s or 80s and he wanted like hardcore spanking and he was going into surgery the next week and he was like I might not come out of it alive so go for it. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easy to repurpose. That poor guy that had to do this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She would really fool people, right? Yes, she would. She got it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. One Thanksgiving is it. Good for her, doing well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uh, that was Gaping Dad. I'm really impressed with his work lately. He's really, really sent in some hits, and uhm, we've got a bunch of other songs, maybe we can go through some of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, really, that's really authentic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's, there's a lot going on. Well, why don't we do our, our proper show open. Now we can get into all of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so just to give you a little set up here, this lady, well why don't I let her set it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That woman, if you, you know, it was hard to tell, she can, she can hold up her own panties and, like a psychic, tell what's gonna happen by what she's discharging onto them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's got, uhm, the really big, thick, you know, the sunglasses. They're like, they're like fucking, what do they call it? Like blue blockers, basically. Blue block, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't it nuts too that somebody makes their living doing this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but we got all the dick juice you can, oh it's that hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, probably not like that, but I mean, you can get, you know, you can get a little pre-cum on those panicky ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I normally wear, I'm sure, I normally have on black or grey boxers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The two over- overlapping colors tell her that there's a massage in her future. That's what she's saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now is that planned? Or is she really reading the future?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if she's, uh, gonna wash that hand after this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like a pee. That's like a pee wash. Right. But if it's a brown wash, it's different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta try, yeaah. Uhm, well. Ambrification. Ambrification.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm tired, I'm always tired. Uhm, it was a, uh, it was a fun time. The weekend I had a blast, I was in San Jose, Meat Rattle, in Portland, Oregon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I had a great time. The shows were a lot of fun and actually, uhm, for two of the cities, Meat Rattle and Porkland, my cousin BriBri joined me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, we grew up together. We were next door neighbors for the first nine years of our lives. And now we both live in L.A. We both have babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was fun just to hang out and, uh, you know, we had meals and just, he just hung out backstage and, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was terrified, by the way. Monday, we did this show Monday last week, and we were both really sick. I was super legit scared that I was going to have the upcoming weekend because of how I felt. I was like thinking, I mean, there's no way I can do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My god, there's no way I can do six shows in three cities like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I got some meds, and thank god I got through. It was, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I gotta tell you, this has been like a week long for me where like farts and dumps have just been bad and sour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to look up what it was, but she goes, you taking this before? And I go, yeah. And then I paid as I walk away. She goes, you could get diarrhea. And I go, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I didn't get diarrhea from it, but the next day I started to have like, just like rotten farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just couldn't find the thing I was looking for. It's like, I just, it was just terrible. You know, I just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't really figure it out and then, uhm, when we got to Porkland, I was gonna go to that, uh, fuck it, what's it called? Some, I think, has like a Vietnamese name. It's across the street kind of from the Salt Shake place. Uh, it's really popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We walk down the street and there's like food truck, uh, like park basically. Yea, I love that area. And it's a beautiful day outside and all these people. It's near the university, right? Don't know that either. In Portland, yea. I'm not sure because, but there's probably like 12 trucks in a circle. And then like a central area you can hang out afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're walking through it, trying to figure out what we're going to eat and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get some fat and get some veggies with it, like, which is how I like to eat. Right. So I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it. It was okay. I'm gonna be honest. It was just okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, well I wouldn't know, because I'm just saying that like, we were, we were gonna go to the really popular place. Right. And it was so packed we walked down the street to this food truck, little park. Gotcha. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, the place is, the whole fucking park is packed, people are all over the place there. But, I eat that thing and within 30 minutes I'm like, oh man, that didn't settle well. Part of that I think is I didn't have bread, so I don't have anything absorbing any of the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they all kind of were kicking, you know, throughout the week, but that burger was on Saturday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they were just wrecked. So then, uhm, after that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, we're at the hotel. I'm trying to remember what we ate next. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, yeaah, then we went to the show. I'm not remembering eating something. I took one of my little pouches, little like keto food pouch, it's like 200 calorie thing I ate, just to have something in me a little bit after that. And then I just had, I was drinking tea all week. You know what's great about tea by the way? Every time I get sick,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I drink 40 cups of tea and I enjoy it, and as soon as I get better I abandon tea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know what I'm saying, I like it so much. It's like I always, I'm trying to get that out of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also had a lot yesterday. On my birthday I had some meat, some cauliwobble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, some chicken, and then I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a lot of sugar, that I'm not used to consuming right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so let's go to this morning. This morning I had a spinach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm having a spinach and egg scramble, which is normal for me. I have it all the time, and it does nothing to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is all I've had until...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You bring me the juice from whole farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I drink that. I don't drink all of it. I drink about, let's say, close to half of it. And then you made a, what is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A noodle form, some whole fart sausage, dude, as soon as I took the last bite of that, my insides went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I ran to the bathroom, shit everything out. Good for you. And then 10 minutes later, my stomach's going, just rumbling, man. Terrible. Terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's my argument against that. I have that juice sometimes and I'm okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's where I'm at. So right now, what do I do moving forward for the rest of the day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not diarrhea, but I remember, I remember the very first time I ever did stand up. I woke up, I had booked a, like, you know, it's a Saturday in a month kind of thing. I was like, alright. The week of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking about it, you know, it's getting real. And I remember, you know, I wrote out every single word. And I remember the night before, you know, really thinking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reading and writing it over and being like, oh my god, you know, I have this tomorrow. And the next morning, this is like when I'm obviously


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Single, I have nothing to do on a Saturday. I snap out of bed at 5.30 in the morning. Like I, I wake up in a panic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I'm doing stand up today. Cold sweat, yeaah. Like that nervous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember having, you know, for me it was like, I can't eat. Oh yea, that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a, I remember the first time that I actually did it too. I've said it before, but I got a, uh, I got, I got booze, you know, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I used to smoke cigarettes around shows. I wasn't a big smoker, but I started to get into the ritual of doing it, like smoking before and after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, well, what if you start, like, you're in demand more and you, and you need to do shows all the time. Like you're working more than you are now. That's just going to make you smoke even more. Like what? You know what I mean? Like you're, you're making it so that every time you do a set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're smoking, but what if you even start doing more sets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. So I just started associating it to it. I was like, oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, we're so close to our audience. I figured, you know, let's share with them what a lovemaking session.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should worship me like our ancestors worshipped each other before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was curious to me. You said your daughter is going to be a better ball worshiper than me. Right. I'm lost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, that was quite a night, you're right. Yep, that was a night. I'm just embarrassed that you recorded that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you don't seem that embarrassed, which is I'm proud of you. You're owning who you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so you were like pretending like, you're not my wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm so focused on how, on your performance. That's what I was like, wow. You know, I was kind of lost in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you were coaching me into it. You seemed like you wanted it. Yeah, I did. Yeah. I was trying to be like, Hey, you run this show and you said like, say something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I let you, you know, hear it. Sounds like you wanted to hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanna close on this. I was too excited to play it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I'm imagining though. It doesn't fit, but there's a couple guys that play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one of them's really, like he really has a passion for music. Right. And for him it's like...