[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Even seeing you, I'm glad you're here and I'm, it's like I feel familiarity. I'm so happy you're here, but part of me now gets sad because I know that you and I aren't going to be like, okay, I'm going to go do my spot. I'll see you in a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what have your cycles of quarantine been? Tom and I've discussed our stages, like my first one was panic buying. I got up all the toilet paper. The second was cooking. I started cooking compulsively and then I started shopping on Etsy for necklaces and then it was like just Amazon and then, you know, and then it became exercise and then it turned to drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like what's the one you're like, that was irrational. That one was the fur rug. I didn't need the fur rug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, for a while it was wigs. Oh, uh, cars? I don't give a shit about cars. I'll drive anything. It's not- Wigs? I was into a wig phase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we just did episodes I wore the wig on this show and then on, uh, where my mom's at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine the teenagers? I mean, I would fucking have commit suicide by now if I were home with my parents for months and not being able to see friends or do anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that, but even that's more inspirational and motive, like he's still, he's just so down here, it's so fucking boring. Who is he talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well that's what women are, we're always cold. So she's fucking up your whole AC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you how happy I was when the AC wasn't working for two months and I was like, let's just open a window. It's just natural. I was really happy and now you're freezing me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you please bring up that thing I sent you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you please bring up the new thing I sent you from Instagram, Nadav? The new movement that's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hap- that happens. That happened with Rachel Dolezal. Uh, there's transgendered as we know. There's trans... Well now, trans...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Age. Trans age. So you can be a different age on the inside. We're all different on the inside. Hashtag trans age. Hashtag age fluid. Uhm, love is love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll rate it too. This flag is for anyone who feels their trans age or questioning trans age pride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trans ageism, guys. Are we progressive enough? So anyway, this is the new, uh, the new pride community, guys. We should be... Trans age people are valid and loved, so they deserve to be valid and loved too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's tofu. Right, right. You know what these remind me of are, have you ever seen a Hallmark Christmas movie before? They're 100% this level of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, my husband Tom speaks Spanish and I too have been learning Espanol. Hola.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And start by teaching you words and phrases, and then the sentences gradually get more complex. So soon you're just practicing short conversations, which is how language really works in real life. The lessons are thoughtfully created by over 100 language experts. You can choose between 14 different languages. I'm talking Spanish, French, Italian, German.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Babble app is available as an app or online. So your progress will be synced across all devices. And right now, when you purchase a three month subscription, Babble will give our listeners three additional months for free with promo code mom. That's three additional months free. If you go to Babble.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] dot com and use promo code mom on your three month subscription. That's babble spelled. Listen to this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it fits him, doesn't it? Like isn't this Nadav in 20 years? Oh, this reminds me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Nadav, what made you close on, the bumper fell off, period, and then, I'm outta here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe there's some shame, cause he uses the word shame there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does, and I think his, he might be shy. I think that might be something that he's leaving out, is that if he has these normal inclinations, he's a bisexual, he's not ashamed of that, maybe he's just really shy. And you're right, those apps feel gross. I think if you're, if you're being honest, you're like, ew, I don't like how this feels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you have a right as an adult to be called whatever you wish. So if you're an adult, you're 18, guess what? I'm going by fucking Scooby Doo now. I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think too, people feel guilty when you dump somebody and then they want to help that person through the breakup. For instance, like I'd break up with you, but then I feel badly and I want to try to help console you emotionally. It doesn't work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess so. So he also, well, there's updates. I don't know if they're included in this folder, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's not normal, Tik Tok. I don't have- my feed does not look like this. I can tell you already. The popular things? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's a trap, because you can never get the right answer. Because the answer is always changing. It's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was brief, but he wants to be called baby daddy, thanks. He's just saying from now on. Big juice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most disgusting. Why? Because any.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The son moved out of his father's house and started practicing makeup. Before long, he started getting really good at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YouTube is trying to fuck our shit. Fuck that, we got to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YouTube is trying to F with our shit. We gotta do a dust. Feel me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, dear god help me. Youtube is trying to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't say it, Tommy. YouTube is trying to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YouTube is trying to fuck with our shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fact that, ten thousand dollars, we got to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the letter from the person is, uh, was right next to it, but it's, uh, I think it's from cumrags.com? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your therapist told you to do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I didn't know I was supposed to write a poem. You don't have to write one. But like how does it feel to hear it? It feels bad. I don't, like I'm not, I don't even know what I did. Like what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, hopefully, hopefully I won't upset you like that again. You know what? Yeah. Okay. You know what? I'm, I'm actually genuinely sorry that I brought you to that point. And I'll do everything that I can to not do it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now we can work together again. Oh. I didn't even know that was, uh, that was on the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it kinda seemed like business as usual, but I didn't re-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess it was a lot more serious than I realized. So I am genuinely sorry, Tom. I will never do it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want, I don't want you to act on any of those. That was a violent, that was a really crazy poem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's starting with, oh, uh, social media polls. And then the first word in the file name is the person who made it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well see, here's the thing though, I know that your answer is no. So like, I already know that you're saying these things. You wouldn't do it for 20, I already know you wouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I'm not arguing that 20 million isn't a lot of money. I agree. It's a life changing amount of money. But eating your own shit is going to change the way my personality is from that point on. I am now a guy that eats my shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, if there's like a briefcase moment where you gotta spin it around and you open it and then I see like 20,000 or 20 million dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, if you bring those duffel bags in. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like then I'd have a harder time saying no. I think so too. But then my brain just thinks like, oh yeah, right, but you need to eat shit to get this literally. Yes. One log. You would not do well on growth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have first, like, become an expert on the Statute of Limitations. And then I'd see how long that window is, and it's like, okay, I'm gonna stop withdrawing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then wait for the statute comes out and then I'll confess when they can't do shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's only like, like, uh, uh, uh, first degree murder, like murder cases I think are the only ones where there's no statute. Right. Where it's just like, you could always get popped for murder. Right. But I mean, like, grand larceny or grand theft or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think someone sent it, uh, someone sent an email to the YMH email, yourmomspodcast.gmail.com, and so they think they found footage from Burt's college days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I mean, as far as I can see, I don't think there's any penetration in the clips that we uploaded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so this is interesting. Because most of the time when we have cool people,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, or you know, if we play drugs or mental illness, like the person is always has the card stacked against them where they seem just genuinely insane and like, you know, maybe like a living on the street or something. This is fun because this person is going through a manic episode, but is very educated and articulate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they can arrest you, but it seems like these officers know this woman pretty well. Yea, they definitely, they know her well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we order it specifically for him, cause he doesn't drink. Uuuh, fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I could try it. I'll do my research. Yeah, cause this is like an entry level pump. Right, we need a high end pro pump. Something that has to be like plugged into a wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, what I think is possibly happening is that she just shaved her eyebrows off, like the tattoo's been there for a while, but she just shaved her eyebrows off, and those are tan lines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that might be one of the first ones in batch two, if you look at it. Do you mind? I would really like for you to see that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's uh, if you go in batch two, it's uh, 03, do what I want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wanna be horny for two or three hours like you've never been in your life. No thanks. And you have access to marijuana too. Good weed. Listen to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True weed alone can get you really hornier than normal, but Benadryl, take about ten, twelve Benadryl before you want to have your sexual fun with your partner or whatever you do or masturbate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How would anybody want a girl around? I mean, all they do is talk a lot and it doesn't even make any sense. They're not good at chess. They're not good at video games. All they do is talk a lot and show their gorgeous little body and then they pretend like it's God's gift to the earth and you can't touch it or have it. Well, who cares? The hell with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Asking for or expecting veto power from my partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Healthy polyamory doesn't control people. It allows people to be who they are as long as there's open communication and safety. Don't ask, don't tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she's been doing it since she's been living back at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I just came back from there. They have toilets that let you poop like that. And if you don't have like a ceramic hole to do it in, you're like, whatever, I could just do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you got two squares of toilet paper attached to your body at all times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so the question was, is it a common occurrence, uh, in China? And this person says, uh, as a Chinese living in Beijing, I should say that, uh, I might have seen this scenario several times a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So just seeing it on accident sometimes, not actively looking for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just hearing the level of anger that you were having immediately after she found it. First of all, it sounds like you had a whole internal struggle that she wasn't aware of. Yes. Of finding that key, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and so when she said, so when she found the mailbox key instead of being like, oh good, there it is, your instinct is to go, fuck you, you didn't find it. Yes. That's insane. But I- No it's not! No it's not!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now your glasses, I see that they're on your face right now, Tom. Were they on your face when you were doing this whole mailbox thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, but like seeing, not like sunglasses or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So it seems like he's doing this right after leaving the post-op.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing, like someone that knows all those laws could scare a cop into like, abandoning Proto. Just like, oh this person sounds like he might be a lawyer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were on it yesterday, so his account got banned, I guess, in the last 24 hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's interesting that you say that, that I had his Twitter profile, uh, you know, up ready for us to just go through. Cause a lot of this stuff, I can't really prep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but it's a lot of, there was a surprising amount of women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the porn that he would retweet on Twitter. A lot of women just full on kicking dudes like in the beanbag. He loves that dumb stuff. He loves that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When one mystery is solved, another one is opened, and we just stumbled into another mystery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is, uh, I just tried, you know, taking this link and putting it in another browser, and I get this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So now, uh, I was looking for his Twitter handle and you see this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm not 100% sure. I mean, I don't want to sound like a broken record. Like I said, you know, Fedsmoker didn't die and all that, but this is January 2020 to April.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, it looks like his fanbase was pretty limited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think the tit cups were the violation? They don't have a lot of pigs on Twitter posting their pig activity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lincoln then. Hold on, me? Yeah, uh, Eni is saying that there's a good chance that this is probably fake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm looking at the lighting on, like the lighting on his hand matches the lighting on his head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, could be. I mean, cause it's right there on the top. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yeah, look, if you just cover, if you just leave the mustache. Hmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the only thing I look in, look for for a partner. If they smoke, I'm into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't smoke a cigarette first thing in the morning. It's the coffee that makes me go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Savage. Is that crazy? I think it is. With the windows down? That's when people smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, uh, I have cut a little cigarette sized hole in my mask, so it's my smoking mask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anybody who lives in the world has any type of profession or hobby whatsoever needs a website.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're pretty soon we're gonna be releasing, uh, the highlight of recording those drops with my mom. It's one of the funnier things I've been a part of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I saw a missed call. We had a really good time with them over the holidays. You know, we really did. It's like the best time ever, right? Yeaah. I saw the missed call and I was like, ah, cause my mom is not, like, my dad calls me every day and we text all the time. My mom can go weeks and she'll be like, nice to hear from you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I missed it, so I was like, oh, I'll call her. And I'm actually glad that there was at least a little window, so when she answers, I go, hey, she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, cause immediately I go, it must be, I recorded her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a phone call. That's all I was thinking cause like I always call my parents and record it, you know, and I'm like, she must've heard some phone call I did with her and she didn't know. Cause she also got, she was obviously very fired up when I did the fart video and then I released fart merch. Like that shit did not sit well with her. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, what's up? And she was like, I was so hurt. I'm like, what? She goes, I was on YouTube and I was, and I was like, oh fuck, like what did she see? And she goes, so like, I think it was when disgraceful came out, you know, you always do like a little press run. I did Larry King and when I did Larry King,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was one segment where he has kind of rapid fire, like he's like, you know, what food do you not like? Uh, what's your favorite this? What's your, and he goes, what's one thing you used to believe that you know now that you don't? And I go, did Jesus Christ is our Lord and savior? She goes, I cried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was, she, and I, I was like, oh, but I was joking, you know? I was like, I'm, I was joking. It's a joke. And she's like, that's not a joke. And I was like, yeah, no, I feel badly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was real. Really? I mean, she was like, I cried so much. Really? Is that? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. She told me she was like, she goes, you know, the jokes like this are not funny. And I go, but it's a joke. He understands jokes. That's what I said. I go, he gets, he gets jokes. And she goes, we all have the same ticket. All are going to die. And then we have the same ticket. Which way do you want to go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I think I'll probably, I think I'll sit with him and be like, here's how jokes work, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, hello, you're sitting next to the fucking head game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, cause you think about our kids now, our kids are so young, you know, you tell them anything, they'll buy anything and like from a young age when they're beating that into you, they're like, he's up there and he gets very angry if you're not good, don't touch yourself, and you're like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't lie. I mean, those things are good, right? They teach you, like, they establish a moral compass, tell the truth, don't do no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a tactic. It's a tactic. It's like, well if you do lie, it's fine, but later you'll be in a fire for eternity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, okay. And then you're like, oh, alright, this, this is probably not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they, they got me good. They got me good. My parents really got me good. They actually are like, they're so into Catholic teachings that they're like, you know, this lady was raped, um, but she kept the baby, which is good. Oh my gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, no! No, no, no, no, I'm saying, yea, she should definitely keep it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what? I prefer to focus on things like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you ready to step into the cool guy clothes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are. Because I gotta tell you, even though immediately, like the opening line, you're like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you realize it's about one person. Uh, this, this looks like it. This could be directed at one person. One lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was like, I'm sorry, I've been working all day. He was like, so? I've been here. Come here and take care of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty awesome. It's real!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She didn't pick up. She didn't clean up. And she also took his generosity for granted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really what this is. He is mad that this, this ex, or maybe more than one, were like, he obviously has a nice home, he makes good money, he paid for everything, and uh, this chick just was like, so?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not necessarily. No, I don't think so. I mean, the cheating could have happened regardless of those circumstances.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not necessarily because somebody was bigger and better. He's still fired up that, you know what he's fired up at? That that money was wasted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you wanted me to get- I got- I paid for all that shit and I still remember that you couldn't wash a plate. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Well yea, they didn't have a great relationship, obviously. Obviously. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not just about the mess. It's other things. It's other things. But the other thing really is her lack of gratitude. He sees it as a lack of gratitude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something going on. Something's going on. Who's gonna regret posting this one day for sure?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a, whatever, import-export guy with this guy? I would seriously be like, I don't know if we can fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he is fuckin' unstable for sure. He's so angry. He could be a daemon. He could be a daemon, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, you know, this is uh, 2012, I remember specifically. We just started to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We started to make a living doing stand up and podcasting, meaning like, you know, we are paying our bills and we are, we had moved and we were renting a guest house in the South Bay and our neighbor


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We live in a guest that's in back of a regular house and our neighbor has like this beautiful big house, right? This, I don't know, like five bed beautiful house. And our little guest house,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy was probably... Oh, I hated him so much. This is seven years ago, right? So I was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right before we had Ellis, we were living there. I had Ellis, and we lived in that house. That's right. So, and then he was, he was probably 50, right? Maybe like 52. Uhm, and he was an outgoing, successful guy, but also like a party, outgoing party personality. He'd be like, come over for the Q dog, and I'd be like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this culture? It's a very, it's a very booze, like the beach communities are booze bag kind of cultures, right? They're just, they're drinkers. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm social with him, I'm friendly enough, you know, I say hi, we have short conversations, usually it's like you're pulling in your driveway, you see him and, and, uh, so one day he's like, you know, like, what are you doing tomorrow? And so we're just hanging out, he's like, why don't you guys come over? We're gonna have a little grill and, uh, you know, just swim or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're all over there. It's like six, seven of us. And I remember first I was, I remember certain, you know, I remember conversations verbatim sometimes. I remember this dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's grilling, and I'm standing there talking to him, and you must be talking to, uh, the wife. I remember the conversation I had with Illumia. So, first he, uhm, he has this big-ass jar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, smell this, man. And I was like, oh, it smells good. And he's like, yeah, he's like, you ever want a piece of this? Just let me know. And I was like, okay. Um, and he's on the grill and he's like, uh, what'd you make this year? And I was like, what? And he's like, what'd you make? And I tell him, I'm like, uh, I guess this and he's like, here's what I want you to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, okay. He goes, I want you to go to, uh, buy a rental property in, uh, Boise, Idaho. And I go, okay. He's like, that market's going to blow up. I remember that. I remember that like vividly, which it has grown exponentially since he told me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, so I remember that and I was like, okay, cool. He's like, it's gonna do this and that. So then, you know, he grills up. He's really nice, okay? He's super friendly, social kind of guy. Jovial. Then we go into their big, beautiful house and we sit at their dining table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sitting on the side of the table and his, uh, or Christina's sitting next to me and then the other neighbors are across the table and then at either end, the ends of the table are the wife who's to my left


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he is to my, to the far end to the right, right? They're sitting at the ends of the table facing each other. It's Jenny and Rick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we're sitting there and he had grilled up steaks. It's a very nice afternoon kind of barbecue thing. And literally as he plates and gives it to us, she goes, are you gonna eat all that? You're getting so fat. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, it's just kinda, it's kinda crazy. Secondly, this dude, and this stuff's all over the house, was a college swimmer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, with a, like, so the photos of him in college are obviously 30 years old. He's a ridiculous, I mean have you ever seen a swimmer? Like they have amazing bodies. All he looks like is a guy that used to swim competitive. Like he looks like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, I dunno, 10 pounds? 20 pounds maybe heavier?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good looking with like a good body, like solid body. And I was like, are you calling him fat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, I would kill to look like this. He goes, thank you, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, uh, Jesus. She goes, well, you should have seen what he used to look like. It doesn't look like this now. Can't believe how much you eat. And he puts his fork down. He goes, do you like your life, Jenny?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, you like it? You like your life? And she was like, yeaah. He's like, well I like my life too. Okay? And he's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' aggressively cuts into a steak and then she's holding a glass of wine and she's like, such an athlete. And she just fuckin' downs her wine and I was like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If she ever gives me any shit about anything, I'm like, you like your life, Jenny? You like it here? Choke about, do you like your life, Jenny? Huh? Like where you live? Like your car?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's one thing to say, people say things in their lives, you never know what they say, but in front of people, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, they weren't mortified that it took place. You know what I mean? Like, it was over and then they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, you guys are comedians, huh? What's that like? Like they were just right back to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other neighbor had a son, a new lady, and an ex-wife, and he would call the ex-wife and just sit in the backyard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know my favorite thing about living in the Rampart division was, that I did stand up on BET, on a BET show, and one of the guys, not just in the building, on my hall, like four doors down, was a producer on that, and uh, we'd seen each other in the laundry room, they had like the coin laundry room,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I saw him the day of the taping and he was like, yo man, I was like, hey. I was like, this is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I saw him in the, uh, apartment building, like in the laundry room after we filmed it and I was like, hey man, uh, cause this is like when,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The main thing, like, if you just stand up anywhere, you go, can I get this tape? Like, can I get the footage? I go, I go, hey, uh, I wanted to ask you, how can I get a copy of the set that I did on the show? And he was like, yeah, I don't know, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, what? He's like, I don't know. It's gone. And I go, but you produced it. And he was like, I don't know. I could, uh, you could call like somebody else. I like, wouldn't they tell me to call you? And he was like, I don't know how to get it. And he just was like, I can't help you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? He was like, cause I just, that's not what I do. I'm like, but don't you know somebody over there that could like, it'd be like if someone was like, can you help me get a copy of your appearance on your mom's house? I was like, you can talk to one of the, I don't know anybody over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the first step into adulthood, buying your own laundry machine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I remember the same guy one time I took his shit out of the dryer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Look, speaking of nice, I want to tell you something. Nice guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, in the past we have made jokes sometimes about my friend Bert Kreischer. I think that's how you say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Recently we were doing, uh, jokes about his, um, dental situation. And then I did a fucking, I did two podcasts. I did one, two bears, and then I was doing Rogan and he told like the most.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but he also told like just details surrounding it and how it's always been this issue for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it got me thinking, you know, we've had people tell Birdie's fat, tell him to fix his teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to Burt's page, go to his Instagram, and how about you give him some compliments. And if you're like, about what? About things that are great about him. Number one, he has nice eyes. He has pretty good shoulders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he has nice hands. You could be like, you have nice hands. Your fingers are nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have cool shoes. He keeps his cars clean. Your cars are clean. You have nice dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a good cook. You're a good cook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He picks his nose a lot. You pick your nose a lot. And that's encouraging to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just look for nice, tell em those nice things and let's do a lift em up. You have cool hats. You always have original hats because you don't have great hair. But leave out the hair part, just say like, oh man you have really cool hats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're on social media too much, but say, I enjoy your social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're going like it's a Wednesday and you're just flying, you know what I mean? You're flying to Dallas or something and you're like just getting ready for the meeting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a small, and the other thing is, I think I believe I asked you like, how did it affect you, and you're like, fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So last week we got to hear that amazing RPC call. This week I have from him a new prank call that he did with Josh Potter, where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's, it's really highly skilled and like to have, to actually target a sex therapist, but he like clearly got him off hours and you know, they're not having a session. He hasn't ever met him and he's like, I like to fuck dudes, bruh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of it wasn't cut up. Yeah, it was not. Uhm, but like it was a full dialogue with that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, no, no, no. I'm saying it's good that you are, that you register that it would be good to get a girlfriend and I think that pursuing it is very, very, you know, uh, enlightening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't be doing that. But you are, you are going on dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am, I'm sure, I like- Have you met the girls that you've been going on dates, what, out at the shows or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you met, uhm, any of these girls just in public, nothing to do with comedy? No. That doesn't happen. I figured that would be pretty difficult to make happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. No, it's good. I mean, doing the shows. And also, if someone's coming to your show and you're going on a date, they at least know the world that they met you in, you know? It's not foreign. Exactly. Yeah, that's good. Wow, I didn't know this, man. That's great. I want to hear more details. Maybe you can tell me more stuff later. Yeah, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't have to be five-starred. I'm not saying that. I'm saying like, you know, like a dinner is like a grown-up thing to do, where you can talk to somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a perfect way to like hang out, get to know someone. I mean, this is like not a smash date, right? It's like if somebody who you're really interested in. So you could end up obviously, but you want to have the, you want to have the dinner first, man. You want to have a good dinner if you're interested in her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, our guest is here. We should fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm super excited. The uh, one and only full charge is in the building. Uh, we're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, the foundation of a healthy and happy life are good habits. It's something we're always striving to do in every aspect of our lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whip is there for you to build those good habits with your dental hygiene. That means brushing for two minutes, twice a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flossing regularly, no matter what brand you use, Quip makes that simple. Starting with an electric toothbrush, refillable floss, and anti-cavity toothpaste.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Electric brush has sensitive sonic vibrations with a built-in timer and 30 second pauses to guide a full and even clean


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Quip Floss Dispenser comes with a pre-marked string to help you use just enough. Plus, this is my favorite part, Quip delivers fresh brush head floss and toothpaste refills to your door every three months with free shipping. So your routine is always there. It helps you stay on top of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get quip, q-u-i-p dot com slash mom. Spell it all out. G-e-t-q-u-i-p dot com slash mom. Quip the good habits company. Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back with a repeat hall of fame friend and guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, president of the East Coast chapter of the Bisco Girls, it is my good, our good friend, the Full Charge, Matt Full Charge here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We also feel the same way about you guys. You also, for what we do, you always, you were the most natural fit. Like, we had people that we were friends with that, you know, you stand up, then you come to the podcast and you're just like, yeah, just, I fucking didn't feel. Right. Right. You're always, it was never an effort from you. It was always natural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Matt is, uhm, for those of you listening right now, we're already there. Cause this is coming out. But, we're about to go to Australia in a few hours. Wow. Yea, yea, yea. We're about to go in a few hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The day I was about to ask, this is the thing, I had cancelled twice, and then the news...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was literally opening my phone to type to my agent, hey, with the situation there, is that going to affect


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it about the house? The LAX Hilton? I was, uh, I coordinated that. I actually texted a pilot friend of mine to fly by as I recorded that. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was weird, he didn't give a shit. I had a club owner, one of the small clubs, who was real fired up all week. He had somebody quit, he was yelling at employees in front of me. Oh I know exactly who this is. Cause you're always fucking around. He would point, would he point in their face? Oh yea, and scream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He picks me up and we start talking and then he starts ranting. He's just like, and you know, cause I tell you, this is fucking bullshit, man. He keeps talking to me and he's just like on a rant. And after like a little while, I'm like, how far is the airport? He's like, ah, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got distracted talking to you, and I drove past.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, oh my god. I'm like, how far past? He's like, way past it. I don't know what the fuck is going on with me this morning. Cause he's so fired up, you know? So he had to turn around on a freeway and drive, you know, I don't know. I barely made that flight. I only missed a flight once. Uh huh. Cause I'm fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, we were living in the south bay, down in the bro, and what happened was, I had a, I don't like alarm, I use my phone alarm for waking up a lot. I don't like a startling wake up. So I'll go for the softer ones, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't want, like, people who have, uh, like, a European ambulance sound to wake them up, you know, it's like, bang, bang, bang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just missed the cod. I was mortified. I was mortified. And so, uh, I had to get on the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next flight, I still made it in time, but it was, there's no worse feeling than that man, like oversleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we did it together. One time I was alone where they were like, you are, uh, we landed and it was late. And they're like, the connecting flight is cancelled. So you guys will be on the first flight in the morning. Oh, I hate that. So everybody's on the plane at the gate. Like we're all off the plane. They're like, so where are we staying tonight? And they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's always a sad, sad place for me. Oh, here's a nightmare. Oh, here's a nightmare. Speaking of Chicago, have you ever seen this before?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so sad. Did they do that? They do. And my day was beaten in. Yea. Well, that's the more, you know, kind of, uh, reputable way to kind of do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we could even like, imagine like if it was a, if I hit a really, like a big punchline applause break, and then as I hit it, and you know, people are laughing, rocking, you come back, you're like, that's what the fuck I'm talking about! That joke was just shit!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know what's from Australia that we haven't even looked at here? What's that? I've always been a big fan, you know this too, of coaches that are unreasonably angry. Right? Over the line. Crossing boundaries. That's so sad to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, of course it is. And that's the thing is that it's, you know it's unreasonable. Because like, they're playing sports. But in the moment they get sooo worked up, and it's still amusing to hear like, you're this mad about the game? You know, you're this mad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only had one psycho coach, and uhm, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, I had coaches who we loved, uh, who get upset, and you'd never be like, whatever. But I had one who came in as a dick, and that was his lane. We just, to this day, I'd be like, that guy's a piece of shit. He was like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a couple weeks ago, big time, you know what I'm saying, interview at halftime of a game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How experienced is she to like, not very, but I mean for her to feel like willing to be like, Oh, you mean like grab his cheeks, rub his back. I mean, it feels like this wouldn't be the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, maybe we stay away from crocodiles. Okay, good. But let's not stay away from animals, you know. Oh, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I thought it was all sitting down, it's leaning forward. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Why am I nervous? Because something's about to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's head is honestly, it's the size of twelve human heads typed together. That's the size of it's head. I've never even fucking seen one this big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That claw right there, just clean decapitation, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever, did you see how to greet a wolf? No. Do you know? I'm not greeting wolves. Uh, you can. There's a proper way to do it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So people, this is like the, their idea of just a fun afternoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bam, right there on the wrist, my beloved whoop. I am so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am so thankful that whoop exists. I am obsessed with data and this thing collects data like nothing else and it's all about you. It's about your own body. So you learn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's helping you sleep more? What's keeping you from sleeping, uh, better and more deeply and more efficiently and more effectively? It's analyzing what workout taxes your cardio more than the other. It's fantastic. I absolutely love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The big thing I'm getting from this is the sleep coach that's built in directs me, like it's time to go to bed. You usually wake up at this time, get some sleep now. And the morning I'm studying that thing, like, like it's, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's paying me to. So if you want to be better or keep up with me and lose weight to kick off 2020, get over to whoop.com right now. Use the code your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At checkout for 15% off your membership today. That's whoop.com. The code word y-o-u-r-m-o-m and get 15% off your membership today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there is a cool thing about keeping the shades on, wearing a cowboy hat, and putting out a fun message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, I think that's what he said, right? Yeah, good evening, Carrie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wouldn't you love if Charles did this? He was like, hey, it's me, Charles. I hope you be showing your pussy tonight. He would never. Charles is a gentleman. He is a gentleman. He would never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The kinds that go like that. Mom never hugged me, so these sunglasses will. Exactly. And for some reason when they're super tight, uhm, they also make you a real pro gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is fucking crazy to me. It's amazing. It is amazing that, it's always amazing that someone, something in their head goes, this is the thing to put out. This will work. This is going to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not good. It's really not healthy. That biology? Yeah. Yeah, like. Or they're like, it's like an amateur thing where it's like uploaded by the people at home and they just show like, he's like, and it just, he puts it in and then you're just seeing that and you're like, alright, yeah, it does feel like it's a medical experiment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I think we even, we even removed him from the drought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, the grosser the more I get excited, you know? No you don't! I love these dudes who are rea- like, the further from acceptable that they behave, the more I'm like, this is really good. I really, I enjoy it. I enjoy the misbehavior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny is I saw this here and I've never seen this. I don't know what this is. This is in the folder today. I don't know what this is. You're lying. I swear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go on. Dude, I wanna sound like a fucking tiger growl. You know what I mean? If you're gonna make a video like this. You gotta beat everybody in the world! You gotta beat every video!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something like, that's the key. Why would you bother?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. This is the end of the internet. This is it. It's the tail end. There's no more good stuff, now it's all bad. It's mediocre. Dude, you would definitely, I know you'll have something to say about this. Okay. We discovered this video earlier and, uh, this guy is pretty fucking rad. Uhm, we were talking about what might have prompted this, you know, him putting this out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he's so upset. He's so angry. This video, my theory, is this is made about to one person. Yeah. There's somebody just fucking pissed him off. Right. And then the rant takes everybody on, but it's really about this bitch who left a dish and let him pay for things, and now it's like everyone's an asshole. Here's the thing he's leaving out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's his thing, is that he thinks it should be on prom. He's like, you're an idiot, just figure it out. I paid for shit, so fucking clean up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I got a message by the way, just wanna let you know, from a really, really good tattoo artist. Yeah. And he was like, hey man, uh, I'm a big fan, and uh, I'll do, I'll do a piece for free. Like, I go, oh I've never had a tattoo, and he's like, well why don't we start? So I'm thinking like, what do you think I should start with?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I feel like he did that, you know what I mean? What about a design or a message?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christine. Christine. I love you Christine. There's another person in our lives who just started calling me Christine. Did you notice that? Yes. Also an email came in where it was like, this is for you and Christine. I was like cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's what I'm thinking, like, should I get it? Yeah, yeah, I'm thinking of getting like either, um, you know, half a sleeve here. Yeah. Or, um, with like a, you know, really like tribal. Tribal's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just like, I like, you know, dragons and shit. Or a message, like, fuck all you hoes or something like that. Why don't you clean up, bitch? Clean up, bitch sounds good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that's advanced, and I should start with something. I feel like you start with an arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do any of you guys have tats? I forgot. Uh, I do not. And Josh? No. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what could I get? I mean, what's the other things that I like? You know, I like Wu-Tang, uh, I like Tribe Called Quest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Main MC. There you go. What about just like a whole insane membrane?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like just a piece just about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking mourning. It could save your life. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or I could just have a, uh, no, uhm, a landscape. And people go, what is that? I go, this is, I'm, uhm, this is my sister, and she's out at the mountain, and I'm Captain Marcel, I'm going down to get her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get in the tattoo, this is not funny. And I can get a feather, and then underneath it it just says bring your feather in it brother. Yea, but a lighter too, you know. Right, that is no right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Poor nobody. Half of them, half of the feathers are burned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I put, I'll put, uh, I'm not staying forever. This is, I'm cleaning up right now. And then above your eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Send in your YMH tattoo ideas to yourmomspodcast.com Have you by the way seen my, uh, my shoes? No. I have, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TomSigara, they made sizes, I think, from, from 8 to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Full Charge has two podcasts now. Yeah, check them out. Uh, Roadheads. Roadheads with, uh, Louis Katz. And the Full Charge Power Hour. Full Charge Power Hour. Yeah. Uhm, also- You always have great names for shit. Well, thank you. You do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am on the road. In February I have my first Spanish shows, Ontario and Oxnard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I just added a big show at the Harrah's, uh, April 18th, that is at the, uh, scroll up to that, the other way. That's the Valley Center, the other way, April 18th. Uh, Valley Center Resort, Southern California, that's Harrah's, that's near San Diego, that just went on sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Spanish shows continue in April, uh, in Texas, Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio, back to Vegas in May, and then I round out the first half of the year at West Palm. These shows, uh, the English speaking shows are just working out a new hour, um, the, uh, I'll be able to announce


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, Netflix special coming up pretty soon as soon as they give me the clearance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we are going to, uhm, you know, we're going to do the big traditional things in Australia. We're going to get shrimp on the barbie. We're going to drink Foster's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. I really appreciate it. If you want to see more, you can click on any of these videos in this general area. And also, if you haven't subscribed, please do. It helps feed our cats. Don't have any cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that is a wonderful, wonderful tool, but also any sort of detergent based product will help in removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is important to be reminded and, uhm, to really kind of acknowledge the fact that there are easier ways to get that come out than panicking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey everybody, Garth Brooks here in iconic Notre Dame locker room. This is where the players go out to take the field every Saturday. This is where all our players are getting ready to take the field for this concert. So tonight, the Fighting Irish, they're gonna become the Singing Irish. This is gonna be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just when you think you could be surprised, I can't believe this is happening. So the drive-in thing. I can't believe it. There were 100,000 cars wanting to get in this thing. People had five people a car, that's half a million people. Are you kidding me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a group called Universal to do the drive-in, Peter. So they're not used to these kind of numbers and they are processing as fast as they possibly can. If I can use a term, assholes and elbows, they are going. All out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Determines at that spot how interested you really are to be there. Not a death grip handshake. A sincere handshake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you're in country music, you don't have to look far to find who you're competing against. And you're competing against the other forms of music. So, compete, compete, compete, and when you're done competing, compete again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nutty. And even listen, even if it's not a business you have to promote, maybe you take photos, maybe you have an upcoming event like a wedding or a graduation, a family reunion. Maybe you work out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you just want your family to see your children's pictures. Uh, but try Squarespace. I highly recommend it. Right now, go to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Squarespace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard it works, I mean it's oil, it's, it's supposed to help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, it's not exploitive towards the thousand pound sisters or, yea, or little people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and here's always the neatest part, is that the gentlemen, nine times out of ten, live with their mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, have never had a girlfriend and are in their late 30s, early 40s. And the girl is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, where you're like, I get it. This guy is just busting nuts as much as he can into Miss Columbia before she figures it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, and her, the girl is maybe 20 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That was the last part of this weird music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's also a thing called conditioner. Sell some blue, have you heard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's with the purple diamond on his chest? Did you see that? No, I missed that. There's a purple diamond. It looks like a sunburn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's doing like, he's doing like nice and easy box dive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at this poor man. I feel bad for him. I'm glad that he has his rose. I hope he has some money to give her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know. Well we just got back into love after locker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When Patty went from the millionaire matchmaker and it became like the millionaire match club on a different channel. So maybe that's what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we wouldn't want to embarrass anybody, but yea, if you wanted to go through all the past footage and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chase O'Donnell. Chase O'Donnell, sorry. Chase O'Donnell, my wonderful opener, for those of you who haven't seen her, I take her with me, she's fantastic. She's great. She taught me this game on the plane ride home yesterday, and we were just howling playing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I can't stop. Okay, so here's what it is. You meet your perfect partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect partner. Okay, and let's say you go to her apartment for the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go through her closet and in it are 100 porcelain dolls. Is that a deal breaker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you the truth. So there was a guy in college who I actually really liked and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, he was in animation, same as I was at the time. And we went out for a lunch date and we're like, let's go back to my house. We'll, you know, watch something I worked on. And I was like, great, you know, maybe I'm going to hook up with this dude. And.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I go, can I go use the restroom? I went to go use the restroom and I just peeked into his bedroom. And he had-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many toys, like animation toys on, over the bed, on the headboard, and then a life-size cut-out Chewbacca at the foot of the bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I went to go use this turlet and then on the toilet were toys and then on the, do you know what I mean? Like it was too many toys. And I was like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was too childlike. And I was thinking to myself, how could I get down with this dude and he's got like toys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the first I've ever heard that you went out with a Dominican.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what if this is a, is this a deal breaker? Girl of your dreams, she's the one you're gonna marry. You're in love, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, her vagina has a very pungent odor. Now if you're a woman, his nuts and his dick have a very pungent odor and there's nothing that can be done. And it's not an STD, it's just a natural smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's your smell, but strong. It's like a, it's like times ten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you always smell like shit? It's true. I had a friend, this is so disgusting, I had a guy friend who was dating this beautiful model.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said that she didn't like to shower and that one time they were in a clothing store trying on clothes and they were in a dressing room and he goes, yeah, she pulled her pants down to try something on and the whole room smelled so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he wasn't, he was just like, haha, it's funny how the room smelled bad. And I was like, that didn't gross you out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was one guy in college I wanted to sleep with, and this girl who had been with him before, we were just acquaintances, she wasn't like a close friend, she goes, hey, I heard this guy's talking to you, he gave me her piece, just so you know, and I was like, no more talking to that guy. That was so cool of her man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and don't you find too, the older you get, at least I used to be way more squeamish about body stuff, now I'm like, I don't really, there's not a lot that freaks me out, with like, diseases and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Sure. No, I'm being serious. Let's say I was like, fuck I got, I like a blood transfusion, Tommy, and like I have it now. Totally. You could totally be fine. Of course not. I would leave you in the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Okay, what if, okay, here we go. Here's another one. Are you ready? Perfect girl. Perfect mate. Perfect, perfect. Except one night you sleep over at their house, and she kisses you goodnight, she goes night night, and then she grabs a passy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Puts it in her mouth, and a lovey, like a little tiny blanket with like a teddy bear head, and she's like, night night, and she sleeps with a paci and a lovey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No you would not. No you would not. Okay, let's, who's a big model? Let's say it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like fat models. I don't like them. I don't think it's, it doesn't look good. I don't want people who look like me on the cover of magazines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see what I'm saying? It's not, you say that, and then look at the person we're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, you take her to dinner with your family and stuff, and she's like, these effin' Jews are ruining everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, plus you would probably make really convincing arguments all the time, like, you know that the Ebola virus, or the coronavirus was developed by the Jews so they could sell us the vaccine, right? And you're like, no, I guess...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think that would be a deal breaker for me. Really? Don't care. I'd be like, he likes to keep his boom booms. Maybe we can give it to our children. He's gonna give it passed down. See, this is what's stunning. I don't care. When you play this game and you find out it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda wouldn't care. I'm like, it's just, it's what he- it's his weird OCD. It's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. But here's what I, but here's what I would do when I married him and stuff. I'd be like, okay, you can keep doing this. You can't do it in the kitchen. You need to find like the basement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says quirk. That's fine. You know? I didn't say a bedroom, it's gotta be in the basement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think this is putting her high on a pedestal. Listen, in the mommy community, having a song made about your fart ability is kind of the highest and tightest it can go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's handsome, he's successful, he's got a great attitude. What is the holdup?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] O-M-G-E-N-S, that sounds like fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I am in Miami, uh, at the Miami Improv March 3rd. Are you gonna do drops for me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bush Hall. Tickets are on sale now for London April 7th. Did I plan that trip around me seeing Bauhaus? Yea, I fucking did. How could these itch? I'm 43.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, March 7th, there's only some tickets left on the Late Show in Pasadena. We do Miami. We're going to Addison March 26th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] April 24th and 25th, Des Moines, Iowa. April 29th. I am also doing the Netflix is a Joke Festival, but I'm doing my own show. I'm doing my hour. May 1st and April 29th. I think it's May 1st I'm doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool. And then I go to New Westminster, British Columbia, the House of Comedy, Phoenix, Arizona, Cleveland, Ohio, and San Antonio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you wish you were at the post office right now, Tom? Standing in line, just waiting. Of course not! Running a business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keeping up with your schedule takes a lot and sometimes there aren't enough hours in the day. You've got important things to do, which is why we love Stamps.com. We have used Stamps.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before they even sponsored your mom's house, because that's how much we love the service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we did it to ship out our merch many, many moons ago and we still use stamps.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so easy because Stamps.com brings all the services the US Post will service right to your computer whether you're a small business sending


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Invoices, or an online seller shipping out products, or even a warehouse sending thousands of packages a day, Stamps.com can handle it all with ease. You can use your own computer to print official U.S. postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once your mail is ready, just hand it to your mail carrier and drop it in a mailbox. It's just that simple. You get postage discounts up to 40%. It is a no-brainer. It saves you time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And money. So right now our listeners get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital skill without any long term commitment. Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in mom. That's stamps.com. Enter mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a totally new dynamic and what was really special about our episode or the inaugural episode, which you guys will get to hear, is that Dr. Drew shared a very personal story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so far, you know, listen, we're all Team Annie, really. Everybody loves Annie. But we're not a team holding your ground for a month. I think, can we all...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should, I wish the actual text was, Christina, I mean this in all sincerity, I don't think you should be starting your morning at 7am watching these TikToks. This is not a good place to start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure am, on brand today, guys. Tic Tac O'Clock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just a fan, I got this on Amazon. Why? No, but why so into it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, he could have one of those diseases where his face looks puffy and old. Now to be fair to me, my agent is on the east coast, our agent jeans is on the east coast. 11 o'clock. So yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it too. Because I'm learning about this generation and their gender stuff. It's fun, it's interesting to learn. I did not have this growing up so I genuinely am curious about this stuff and this is how I learn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's cause they forget to take it for like one- is that one day you forget to take your pestosterone? No, you don't have to forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the one that I sent to my agent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Well, you're on the chain now. I send them to, so I send them at certain times. Nadav goes, I can always tell when you're in the green room getting ready for a show because they'll be like a flurry of TikToks because I'm getting ready for a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I wind down, and then at night at 7.30 before I go watch my reality shows, I do some talks. We do more talks, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. But, but let's be, let's be, but your honor, if I may.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, because I myself have had a sharp moment like that. Of course. I wasn't wearing underwear, I was just wearing my pajama bottoms in the kitchen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cauliflower pizza from Pizza Rev, and that gives me the runs, and I farted and it just liquid shit down my leg. And it's hot, and it's straight away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, here's a question for you. We were playing a game called Deal Breakers. Bipolar flavorings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's say you're meeting the, you're not married currently, let's say, and you're meeting the woman of your dreams. You go back to her apartment for the first time. This is the woman you want to marry. And she tells you, guess what? I jar my bowel movements and I collect and I keep them under the house. Is that a deal breaker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, clearly. I love mental illness. It makes me laugh. It makes you laugh! Is there any other remedy as a doctor you could recommend besides mayonnaise for people listening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's fired up on these stupid fucking jokes. And then I like, I was like, it's a western dog and cat joke. I just like his accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do appreciate him giving us updates and- I wanna see an update. That's why I wanna see, like, so, but he did say it's gonna take a few years. And he's talking about the laser, laser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's the Juggalo, right? Isn't that the ICP thing? Now this is a character in the, in the Insane Clown Potter, right? Nidav? Even the guys that started it, they, they just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you why I think he made this video? To show off those lovely nails. Those nails are great. Cause that's really all he's doing. He's like, stop it, stop it. The positioning is also great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even put that together last time, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You always go to science and Tom and I always go to racism. Or mental, like, rudeness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And cocaine would be somewhat cleaner. Comes from the coca plant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, and I said that on this show a while ago, and they go, no, stupid


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what's worse, crystal meth or PCP?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna see that shit. They used to talk about it in the 80s. What is angel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done like four, four, five tabs in my life. Gel tabs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the first time I took it, I took two tabs on the first time. I was so stupid, both, I did it both times, I took too much. And I would freak, like I would stay up for like a day. Yeah, you seem fine. I'm fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've seen that documentary that people go on acid trips and it can help you heal trauma if you're in a guided environment with somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you have to listen to Robin Quivers from the Stern Show describe her because she's like, you drink it and then you vomit and vomit and shit and vomit. It's literally like you're just so sick. Yea, but that's before. And you do it for two days though, didn't you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're not. You cannot video yourself doing ayahuasca. Even Bourdain didn't. Remember when Anthony Bourdain didn't? He wouldn't let the cameras.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How bad is it for a child to ingest marijuana? Cause when I was nine years old, I ate a bunch of pot brownies. Woah. By accident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I was too high, I was fucked up, right? I was already like brrrr, and then uhm, she just put me on the couch, I fell asleep, it was during the 1984 opening Olympics ceremony, I woke up, my mom had made chicken wings, and they were the most delicious chicken wings I had ever eaten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm anxious all the time. Oh my life. Oh my god. I wish I could have tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, so he wasn't like, pumpkins are theoretically full downs. Well, I don't know, pumpkin looks like they're just several balls in. Yeah, I don't know what they're talking about. I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, may I ask you this? Do you think retarded people, I'm sorry, down-centered people, are they allowed to vote? Should they be allowed to vote?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know. I think we should take away voting altogether and just have a philosopher king. I think that's the solution here. Cause look what happened with the voting. Alright, I'm not down for the democracy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like in junior high. Okay. Like, I remember this. I don't remember seeing it or knowing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember that. I remember one with, um, it was called a winter frost. And it was, like, aid in something. It was right when the HIV, the AIDS epidemic started and it was like, how it explained AIDS to people basically, like he was a homosexual man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so funny. There was hysteria in the 80s about drug culture, about Satan and the devil and the music and then Tipper Gore and all that. It was a weird decade. People forget how weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you do if one of your daughters brought home, uh, a Down syndrome person as a potential?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She would. What if she brought a pumpkin home?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've told him that before, he took great offense. He's like, haha, bit funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's, that's a huge bone of contention with him is he doesn't like that I talk about him. But, uh, in my defense, it's my story and I can, I'm entitled to have a story, am I not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think, listen, I think that you've convinced me that it's time to reconcile. Yep. I'm gonna talk to him. I'm proud of that. I don't know, I mean I go back and forth though, there's some days I'm totally down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we, if, and I'm being dead serious, if we had like five hot chicks in bikinis, he would be like, this is great, what are we talking about now? With meat plates. Meat plates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Masks aren't 100% effective, and neither is a condom. It's preventative, and we do it to be safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm a person and I, we have hair like you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was 73532913, and Department 2C. Same info.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I come over and fuck the shit out of me. Smack me around. Open my legs. No whole bars. Say dad or bye dad. Where's this fuckhole man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this your plant? Is this your property? No it's not. It would be against the law for you to climb that wall and to cut these plants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Politeness at all, do I? You were nothing but rude and belligerent. Have a good day, ma'am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See what I'm saying? My hands are up. Look, look. See what I'm saying guys? Please just pray for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sir, you're gonna have to get a warrant. I know, I know, I know, I know my laws. You're gonna have to get a warrant, sir. He's not trying to search your car. If they shoot me, it's because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. Please, somebody tag in Donald Trump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up y'all, I'm just making this video cause I got my feet in there as of yesterday and everybody says I have cute feet. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think my feet is pretty cute though, like, I wanna get like a little toe ring, a little ankle bracelet, cause I love my feet, my feet is so cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, Nookie Monster here. Tonight only, all must-tach rides, fifteen dollars. What? Oh, no must-tach, all rides are free tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TikTok watcher, please, stop making these stupid fucking jokes about people dying in China. Okay? I don't like to use this f-word, but don't use that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So guys, since everyone wants to know, this is how I brush my teeth in the morning. Got my wooden vegan toothbrush. And my vegan toothpaste. Give it a wet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just like this now. Yeaah. Like that. Aha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no pretense of trying to make anybody believe anything. It is stupid, it is silly, and it is fake. But it's also not wrestling. So while I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Want to defend the wrestling business? I'm more insulted by...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy with his hands in his pockets. The guy with the dick spot. The guy with the invisible man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys who are supposedly professionals in the business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just some fuckin' ass wipe comedian. It's not even on fuckin' real television.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Presented as professional wrestling that we've seen over the last weeks and months. I don't blame him. That's the first time he fucking seen it and he saw that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If the, if the first time I ever saw professional wrestling was either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that on the hierarchy, like on the top 10 list, which is what we saw, Uncle Terry is still the top of the list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what a neat way to tie in that whole-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fun. I forgot about, uh, Man Uses Lung Infection as Instrument, which was Nadav's brilliant titling on that clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, wow. What a talent. And the spoons guy, I saw him clickety clackety and it enraged me again. Just seeing him even in that brief moment, I got angry that that's considered talent too. Yea I know. It pissed me off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it reminds me of Dr. Drew, cause he and I are doing Dr. Drew After Dark now with Dr. Drew a lot. And he mentioned that, you know, the IQ, how it runs, the IQ score, is that there's a mean, meaning the middle, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So right, so that means that half people are under that middle point and half are above. And when he said it to me like that, I thought, well, first of all, I'm pretty sure I know which half we're on, but the most people are under the average.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's funny, I was reflecting on that, and I think the reason, one of the reasons you're so successful as a comedian. Cause I'm kinda dumb. You're very funny, but you also lay out the information. Your premises are extremely clear and concise, and you're making a big deal out of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause half the population is under the average intelligence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Time, second time, time, time, time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forget it. And let me tell you, you can't use big words. Not, not those big words. You can't use words. For instance, I had a joke with the word philanthropist in it. Forget it. Forget about it. Philanthropy. Forget it. Done. Done. Nobody knows what that word is. Big words. Not those big words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the k-word? Can someone tell me what the word? Also, which one of these action heroes should I know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the part that really gets me is the spit. That's the part I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're taking care of him. Did he just run out of his- he must have run out of his house nearby or something. Well, let's finish watching. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that part, can I tell you what makes me laugh is that my Indian stepdad used to talk and in the middle of talking he would like, find a piece of food in his mouth and he would be like, I think I'm going down to Radio Shack later, he would do the similar thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's my ball. Yeah, like she just lost her soccer ball. I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would have to fuckin' peel me off the wall. I'd be so nuts if I lost my child. And that, I'd be like out of my head. I'd be hysterical. Oh my god, dude. This chick's on drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I see a lot of TikToks and this particular one really haunted me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I'm saying no. I don't agree with that. Go ahead. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say though, it, it, it does feel a little adolescent that his favorite part is that people, like, tweak out on it. It's like when I was goth as a teenager, you know when you're, and you're like, why are people staring at me? It's like, well you, you know why. Right. Cause you're dressed like a vampire in the middle of summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're trying to get attention, negative attention, and then you get mad at like people just pointing out the obvious thing that you're doing. You're poly. You're poly. You're poly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, look, they are having fun. Uhm, I think just to a couple of traditionalists like you and me, it's always interesting to explore other people's things. Let's be clear. Hey, they put it out there. We didn't, uh, steal this video from their private stash. This is on the top, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's, it's really kind of... Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's kind of time consuming, no? To go through all these partners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I kinda like to know who I'm fucking just forever. It's just nailing that part down in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the kind that just likes consistency. Like, who's my husband today? Who's my baby daddy today? Who am I sleeping with tonight? You can change that. Right. But I prefer not to. I'm kind of boring that way. I just like to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, wait, so you're saying that, so you have your Adidas stuff, I didn't, I wasn't aware that you went back and you were like, I am done with Nike, I am donating all my Nikes, I did not know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like when you have those breakthrough thoughts that you and I talk about all the time, like you can buy more than one phone charger, or you can towel dry yourself off completely when you get out of the shower, stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says, Hi Thomas, your recent Nike dot com order has been cancelled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hilarious. But that's not funny. It's like the universe being like, you can't have these Nikes after you allowed yourself the joy of having them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, those are really cool. I didn't realize how cool they were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just really now getting into sneakers, cause I don't wear heels. I buy cool sneakers instead. I really do like those. Yeaah, those are great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, wow, now I feel like I'm allowed to have Nikes. I didn't realize there was a ban, but I'm so proud of you now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, what else do you think you're, you're quietly like, cause we all do that, where you block off parts of your brain, you don't allow things, there are rules in your brain that don't make sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think what I'm about to tell you will make you pretty happy too. So the other day on Dr. Drew After Dark, uhm, I brought up a dream that I had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dreamt the other night that you had two dicks. Two? Two dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's a thing, so I had one of your peiners in my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you had like a childo or something, a chin dildo, a chin dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think that means? Would you try the chill dough? Yeah, I don't care. You wanna order one? Let's do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you pull up a Childo? Yeaah. They look cool. I think a Childo looks cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not him. Look at that guy. He's like, yeah, I wear a childo. And what? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I guess, yea, sure I'd try it. I'll give it a try. It's vaginal, it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really good point. And then how will I have to be on the edge of the bed so that you can be on your knees? Cause you can't, we can't both be laying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the edge of the bed's better. That part's fine. Are we 69? And you can use the chill dough?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you feel like it's an honor that A, I have sexual dreams about you. Yes. And B, that like not only are you so virile, you have one penis, but you have two dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll talk to my shrink about it this week, but don't you see, like I don't even have dreams about other men. Like I have never had a sexual intercourse dream with another person. That's crazy. It's always you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's not, Paulie. No. But how does it, don't you feel like you're an extra man because-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, just a vaginal. No anal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotcha, you were in a hurry. And did you bagock? Did you finish? And did you blow load in real life? Did you have a wet dream?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you, how old am I? Am I 43 or 44? I can't remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How old are you? The other day I'm like, am I 44 or 43? Tom, how old are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other day I was like, I cannot remember for the life of me. And then I didn't want to do the math of going like, hey, 1976, 2020 minus 1976. I can't even do that math. And I was like, just forget it. I fell asleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you ever just like, when you're in bed and you think those thoughts, you're like, it's too much effort. I don't want, I don't even care. That'd be so retarded. I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I'll just ask. You are 43. 43, okay. Good, thank god. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd think he'd take the headphones off to make the video just look normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, it's not this, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. That's how I'm gonna start doing it. Stop it. Stop it with your beef tongue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are horny. We need, we need the drop of Cray-Sean saying, you guys are horny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He loves it. Where was this guy? New Year's Eve and we were watching the dancers, the Aloha dancers, and the guy with the tits was doing his dance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, the early show, The Ice House, is sold out in Pasadena. There's still some tickets available on the late show, March 7th in Pasadena. I go to Miami, and then Addison Improv, that's actually Dallas, Caroline's Comedy Club in Judork Titties, April 3rd and 4th, Funny Bone in Des Moines,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New Westminster, British Columbia at the House of Comedy, Phoenix, Arizona, Cleveland, Ohio, and San Antonio, Tejas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ticket links at Christina P online. Follow me on the Grum at TheChristinaP and check out where my mom's at. I do a podcast, uhm, of mom stuff and it's actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think pretty fun, and I talk to these clowns in the booth, native and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any, and Chris, and we talk about all kinds of mom related stuff. There you go. Check out my Netflix specials, you know what I'm sayin'? Great. What was the other, what was it, you know what I'm sayin'? This is a Chevy Suburban, you know what I'm sayin'?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I play it on airplanes. It's my new thing. It's great because I don't need to be online to play the game. I'm super high in the levels now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every puzzle, like every level, you just, you figure out what the trick is to get to the next one. It's really fun. It's really engaging. It's not so hard that you can't, you know what I mean? Like when games are too hard and it's not too easy, the characters are adorable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm super into it and I highly recommend you try it out. Best fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best Fiends is a must play. Download Best Fiends free on the Apple App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the R. Best Fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you the best thing I ever saw you do, Natasha? Yes. Uhm, you were hosting a New Year's Eve thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and of course the fake outrage came and blah blah blah and I remember you were like, I don't apologize for jokes. But that was a different time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But those things don't have an effect on other people. That's why. You have to think about the other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus societal norms change and they have so quickly in the last 50 years even, like, so if you change it based on today's standards, it's an infinite...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's that shtick and he's kinda remixing it. Is that his Twitter right there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true. When's the baby's next doctor appointment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100% Natasha, I think you hit the nail on the head. This is an ex-girlfriend. Some girl fucked him up big time. Someone had NRE with a different guy. You know what I mean? She left him for his friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or to Tom. I mean, come on. How much time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was 21 years old. I remember this, we were driving around San Francisco in North Beach and I was wearing like denim overalls. It was the 90s. And I'd just come back from Australia and I had been eating McDonald's like every day. So I had gained a little bit of weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't remember what prompted him to say, I think we're falling apart. The relationship wasn't doing so well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think he kinda blamed my fatness for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I feel like I'm more in tune with the day to dayness of the children's existences.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't do it like that. I literally go, Jeans, don't forget, you know, today's the day you have to pay Claudia. Like, when I'm typing it to you or telling you, I go, Jeans, don't forget to do this, it's neutral. But you hear it as mommy telling you, you're stupid, you don't, whatever it is you hear. You call him Jeans all the time. Aww, that's cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because last week on piss spots, he peed in his favorite spot. It was his room. And then he showed us with the lights on how to pee inside of a beer bottle and how to get your piss inside a tinier opening than the width of your penis. Do you have to look at his penis? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've done it before. I've done it many times. I've peed in a cup in a moving car one time in his old Chevy Malibu because I was in the desert and I didn't want to pull over and I was scared because it was night time and I got pissed all over his car seat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I tried to like, slow the car down really slowly. Pissed. You were driving while doing it. Uh huh. It didn't go well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do they still have those types of booths at Burning Man like orgasm for an omelette and like eat out girls? There was like an orgy tent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been there, I worked on a TV show and I got to go inside and see what the camp was like. I've not participated in it, but I've seen the camp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was called the Hitchhiker Chronicles and we picked up hitchhikers and one episode is we went to Burning Man and so they let us in and I got to just drive around and pick people up and interview them throughout the course. It aired a million years ago after Hurt Bert, Bert Kreischer's show on FX.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it becomes so masturbatory. Like my whole existence, it's like what am I, what are we doing? Another brunch, another drink, another...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We love brooklinen sheets. Listen, for so many years I thought, why spend money on sheets? What's the big deal? Well, because you only spend a third of your life