[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, it feels like they could've just sped it up, like, if I gave feedback on the game I'd be like, this is too slow, but I think they have to resist that sort of player feedback and make it quite slow, and it's what I call a good game for streamers, because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can kind of just stop at any point and talk to chat and then, you know, get in your car and put it in gear and drive into the rain and it's, I dunno, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have to pay full attention while playing it, but sometimes I do. So it has those gripping moments where you're like, I'm gonna have to pay attention now, I'm gonna pause my movie, I'm gonna get in and I'm gonna do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, like, I just feel like some people, it's comforting, like, the feel that you do, P-Flex, I'm sure he's excellent, and has its moments, right? Much like everything does, you know, like The Apprentice has its moments, but mostly people watch it because they kinda know what to expect, it's kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, when, we've been playing games together for ten years, you know, and so, sometimes when we play with someone new, even though they're amazing, they don't quite gel with our group though, and as a result they're talking in the wrong places, they're like saying things that are a bit awkward, or like, uhm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is quite common to take, for someone to take time to fit in with their group, but also each group has its own dynamic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm saying is that, in a sense though, P-Flex, you having this set group that's done it together for so many years, is almost exclusionary to new people coming in. Like, it doesn't matter how good they are, they're never gonna take time to fit in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's always new blood coming along, who were good, like Jenkins, y'know. Right, yeah. Who were relatively new, but also really good. Although he has been around for ages. Well, now, yeah. But I guess, like, I guess what I'm saying is though, that it's not worth taking a risk on an unknown. Right, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it might not be their fault, it might just be that they're just not experienced with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. Sorry. I think we're alright. Quick things though, let's go through before we run out of time. Sips, The Apprentice was in Jersey. In Jersey, please talk about this!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In related food news, uh, the 29 vending machines at the University of Waterloo in Canada are being removed after students discovered they all have little cameras in them that film whoever uses them and whoever's in front of them. You know how ATMs have cameras in them, right? And they use it on crime shows all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Practice for what? Well, to catch people who are trying to shake them. Shake out those crisps loose, you know? Oh, do they have a little alarm in them? Shake the polo mints out. I dunno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A Twix, unless, of course, it reports me to the vegan police.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kids in Norway, uh, studies have shown that younger kids are being bullied over their lack of cosmetic skins and in-game items in FIFA, Fortnite, and Warzone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I've got an- Okay, apparently there's a company called GameScent, and this all happens every few years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this comes around but there's the idea of this device by a tech company that you put a little box on your desk or whatever and it connects to what you're doing in a video game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which sounds like it would be very similar to the smell of gunfire. Yeah. Uh, the smell of racing. I guess imagine that's like burned tires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the other two are storm and forest. What does that mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The immersive thing, the way it works is it uses AI to hear what's, like, capture the audio. So it's not connected into the game anyway, it's just like, the audio that the game produces, if it hears like that stock bear sound, and it just must make a bear fart or whatever smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They rose up by the dozens from across Florida, caricatured competitors in tank tops and cut-off shorts,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a showdown that treats evading police and wrestling over beer like Olympic sports. Uh, the most insane athletic showdown on earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] James Gordon of D-Land won the first event, which involved wolfing down a plate loaded with BBQ pork and sausage. Jesus. Okay. That sounds disgusting. He chugged a beer to celebrate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, one event had contenders dueling in muddy water in an inflatable pool, pummeling each other with weapons made from pool noodles and duct tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another was a theft relay in which competitors raced while carrying a pair of bicycles, copper pipes, and catalytic converters. Heavens. Good gods. Yeah, it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Donnelly42 says, I, Larry Donnelly, I have an absolute disregard for self-preservation. I will do anything. When I was in the military I did a little alligator wrestling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think it's, it's in my lifetime the worst sort of national storm that I can remember. There might have been really bad ones that maybe affected very small regions. Uhm, I mean there have been some terrible


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I certainly, like, I can't discuss Dota memes with Mrs. F, but if we watch a TV show together we can talk about it. So, yeah, niche interests are great and everything, but do you guys reckon, just, I was thinking about this, that the whole novelty records thing has been replaced by people on YouTube or TikTok making a funny song?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's just popular in that regard, whereas previously you had to write something like, uh, Shut Up In Your Face, you know what I mean? Like, which was a very big song, uh, What's The Matter You, um, Gotta No Respect, It's A Nicer Day, uh, Have Some Pizza, Shut Up In Your Face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he, he, he's, I also don't understand how, I mean, he, he does strike me as a particularly good looking chap. He must be extremely charming because he's had a lot of really hot girlfriends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. I think he would talk about, uh, new metal at this point, or something that Fred Durst did. I think that's what he would say. Not that Sips is particularly into Limp Bizkit, but I think when we start thinking about music in the 80s and 90s, he will bring up Limp Bizkit or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really be despised. If we're not already. Because we're gonna start telling people that the only reason the internet is good is because we did the hard work in the early days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, last couple weeks of October, I flew out there for the international, which is like a big annual derby tournament. Spoken about it in, in, in episodes of the past. I went again with my 10th TI, which is insane. Went out there, flight out there was amazing. Right? Half empty. As I'm sitting down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they just stick it in a plastic bag and it's like it never happened. I mean, there's just some business somewhere entirely operates on washing the shit that comes off planes. I guarantee you that's their whole fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wear very comfortable trousers, so normally not like tight jeans, I wear like, a baggy pair, I've got a pair of corduroys that are very, very comfy, and a hoodie. And a hoodie preferably with a hood that I can put all the way up, it'll cover my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we don't have AC. Most places don't have AC. I'm sorry, America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's more. This one is just a gentle blowing down your nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in every way. Uhm, it's, it's, uh, the homeless problem there is out of control, out of control. We went down, there's a part of the town where there's like lots of shops and stuff like that, second avenue for any Seattleites that know, down there, past like Pike, you know, past Pike Place, down towards the other end, is it Pine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's an example. Uh, this is an order that I placed. Uh, a Chinese restaurant called Din Tai Fung. Any Seattleites will probably know it. This was what my order was. Uhm, one chicken fried rice, one sauteed string beans with garlic. How much do you think that cost?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about $60? How about this place? This is, uh, Hong Kong Bistro. This is a Chinese restaurant that I ordered from. And my order was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because catering is unbelievable. We got some idea of how much it is. Let's say you go to a hotel, you're there for an event, or you're staying over or whatever, it's like a conference or something, and they have one of those big urns of coffee. You know those ones?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeaah, it was like one good meal or two very small meals. Uhm, so, I mean, to be fair, and I'm sure someone will be thinking this, there is the delivery cost and there's the markup from Uber Eats. So,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's go out to a restaurant and eat there instead. Similar kind of prices. It's all expensive. A cup of coffee, nine bucks for a cup of coffee. It's just insane. So yeah, Seattle is just like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, obviously I live in London, I go out in London a lot, I have never seen homelessness like this in London. Like, ever. And you would think that you would just be hoovering up all the homelessness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's nothing, there's literally, they have just been abandoned. The system is just like, nope, we have nothing that possibly we could do to help you. It's impossible. Despite the fact that most other countries that have this kind of money, this would never happen. It's terrible. And the drug problem in America is awful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and if you wanted to say, we gotta do something about the homeless problem, you're seen as some hopeless liberal. Like, you're not seen as just a human being. It's like, ah, this wishy-washy, bleeding-heart shit. It's like, you haven't seen these people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, yes. Yes. I mean we have a lot of problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you know, when you see the problems in the States, you think, this is not the way it's meant to be. Uhm, here's another example of something that blew my mind. The, the final late game show was in this theatre. So we did like a live stage show, me and Jenkins, who was amazing, and it was like a 250, 300 person stage, uh, sort of theatre. Really nice theatre. Called...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're right. Exactly. Exactly. That's why all those, uh, rampaging sh- gun- gunmen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mr. Dota at ESL. Runs, as far as I can tell, runs Dota for ESL. Sets it all up. He's like the head honcho at Dota. And now, eight years ago, Shane was eating lamb chops and drinking tea in his garage. His parent's garage, sorry. And was basically a very small streamer and good friend of mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went out for a coffee with him and he was telling me that he'd got an Uber a couple of days prior, uhm, and it was like an evening, he was coming back from somewhere, it was like an evening Uber. And he gets chatting to the driver and the driver, uhm, is a Boeing engineer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have any, any notes on you? Do you? I'm looking at a £20 note now. If you look on the left hand side of the other, if any, any of you listening at home, if you have a note, most people don't have cash. I happen to have some on the left hand side. It says £20 top left corner. Then it says London.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At first he drew the pattern in isolation on a blank piece of paper, printed it and tried to photocopy it. When it was a black and white pattern, the photocopier reproduced it, but when you tried colouring in the circles, it churns out the anti-counterfeiting message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no one's thought about criminals when it comes to all this inflation. Previously, like you said, suitcase of money, briefcase of money, and they're like, where's the rest of them? That's like, what's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And on the, the day after I landed, I went in to do some voiceover stuff for them, uhm, for the tournament. There was like player profiles and stuff. It was my stupid voice doing the, the profiles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's on like, eight floors, it's like that on every floor. And so- My god. It's free. Yeah. And you just go there and there's just all the soft drinks and snacks you could want, there's like healthy salads, there's like sandwiches, there's sushi, you just, yeah, help yourself. And I was like, fuck, hey, how do you ever leave the office?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe? I don't know what their connections are like with other content creators and people like us, I really don't. I mean, we might think we're like, got a good relationship, but actually, you know, some guy that makes CSGO videos is like their favourite person ever and they have a throne room for him there, it's impossible to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Harry, when I come down next month. Yes, sir. Can I, can I meet Pepper?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're done. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Diplomatic community, sorry. It's instinctive. It's instinctive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just over 10 years, uhm, I was there for the very, very, very first DreamLeague season, uhm, way back in like 2013, I wanna say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, which was the sort of unnumbered one. They called it the kickoff season. And that was me, Bruno, James and Draskill. And it was in a really tiny studio. Uhm, but pretty much all those people that are, that were in that studio have gone on to do greater things or move up in various companies or, or still in esports. So it's pretty crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An awful lot of fun, traveling all over. The kids have gotten older now to the point where, you know, it's fun going out with them and stuff. So yeaah, it's great. Been a good life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, which is an indie game that came out, very popular, uhm, and let me just describe it to you, why I like it in particular, okay? Uh, you guys know I play poker, I love poker, I've played poker for longer than I played Dota. This is like, if you could cheat at poker and that was the whole point. Like, that's the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as a poker player, getting five of a kind, all of the same suit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the bosses will come along and say things like, right, you can't use hearts this round, and it's like, shit, my whole deck is built around hearts, so some of the bosses will just stop you dead, or they'll just halve the value of everything that you've got, and you're just like, ah, shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quick update, Sips is correct, this was the guys who made Magic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you've got to find like the secret rat runs that you can take the back roads, uh, you know, maybe you get them there on time, but you damage your suspension going over speed bumps a little too quickly, that kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched, I was watching a couple of things. The True Detective most recent series of True Detective finished.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's okay. Yeah, it's okay. It's not as good as Band of Brothers. But it is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like of all the jobs to have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, in World War II, you can be on, you can be anything within say the British or the American, uh, military. What, what is the job you're choosing? It can't just be the lad back home doing recruitment. I'm saying you've got to be somewhere over there and you've got to be doing something. What job is the worst job, do you think? Oh, the worst job, oh my god. Oh, which one is the worst?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From what I could tell in the Masters of the Air, being a bomber crew seems to absolutely suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or something. Back in the old tent days, you know, when if they did turn up they'd be like, oh, sorry for troubling you, sir, you'd be like, that's alright, chaps, you'd get on about your business of war, and you'd sort of drink tea and push things around on a board. I wouldn't wanna be in the frontlines at all, I'd die in two seconds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before we continue, I would just like to tell you about one of my favorite things in my house and that is my aura frame. We absolutely love it. I have it set up on the breakfast bar where the kids have their breakfast and eat their dinners and it cycles through whatever pictures you've uploaded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, the price is going up, so they can't complain. Uhm, but South East Rail fucking stinks! Yeah. And they're still putting the fucking price up, and it's not by like, a quid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot. And lately, I want you to ask anyone who has to take a train, anyone listening to this, maybe you're on a train right now, or you use the train regularly, I wanna hear your worst train travel stories, cause I've had a few from friends of mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get on the train, it's your train, it is going to your station, and as it's trundling along, an announcement comes on saying, Hello, uh, just to inform you, we will no longer be calling at Frimshore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they announce after five minutes, we're not stopping there either. Now, first of all, anyone who knows why they do this, defeat my conspiracy theory on this, okay? I reckon that in order to meet some target of delays and being on time and shit like that, sometimes if they just drop a few stations out,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That must be it. There's no reason for them to say, when you're on the train, we ain't stopping there. Also, even weirder, I was at a platform the other day. I booked a train. I was at Clapham Junction to pick up this train on the way from Waterloo all the way down to Salisbury. And, uh, Winchester, sorry. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the price of these tickets now has reached the point where it is, it is inconscionable. Unconscionable. It sucks, is what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the UK apparently. Australia has, oh this would take me some work to figure out. How much farm land is in Australia? So Australia has 427 million hectares.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That could, this could be wrong. Uhm, when, when you have, like, exports to a country, like China obviously exports a lot to the US, they get paid in dollar-y-dos, right? Like, they need to buy some- That's the Australian dollar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're selling a shitload of stuff to the US and getting dollars in return, you're gonna buy shit with those dollars and you may as well buy them from the US.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buy corn from there, it all works out. And I guess it comes towards balancing your import-export.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's equivalent to 2.47 acres in the British imperial system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For miniatures, like, there was LEGO, that's fucking gold right there. Well, here's what they need to do, is like, you can build whatever scenery you want in LEGO, and then you've got all the miniatures, you've got the wizards and the orcs and everything. This is the most obvious crossover that's ever been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why hasn't this been a thing already? That's incredible. You can build anything! It's like the most customizable terrain imaginable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds so cool. One thing we need to do is to put hexes on the terrain. That would be hype.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the, on the basic floor plan, like, you know, dungeon floor, and it comes on like a tile, with hexes, cause that way you could still, you know, and if the little holes, some, like, you know, what I mean, if it's sort of, if the hexes were aligned in such a way that you could still count distances in the hexes, that, there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't agree with going up and fucking with people in public. I don't think that's ever cool. But if you're IRL streaming in a public place and people have a problem with that, they can get fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there are people that will, I mean, I've seen people will do this, this thing where they are, sorry, no, I'm, I'm trying to film, I'm using that. And they're like, you weren't using it. And they're like, yeah, but I'm going to in a minute, it's part of my filming. That can fuck off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's really no specific laws about, uh, live streaming yourself in the street. Like, oh, they treat us differently. No, the rules are very simple. If you're in a public place, anything you can see from that public place counts as


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beyond privacy. Like, if you're in your house and I'm outside filming myself and I can see you through the window, I could do that camera or not. Close the curtains. Put-put blinds in. Like, if you want actual privacy in your home, you can have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A federal offense, but I'm pretty sure that if you tried to press charges, people would be like, no, like, what the fuck? You can't stamp on people and then, and then claim it's just a prank, bro. Like that's, you're going to lose that case, I'm pretty sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I don't know if you guys have seen this, but people complain a lot about someone like MrBeast, obviously he's very prominent. And I saw a complaint the other day about him where someone was saying, oh I fucking hate his stuff because as soon as it's popular, that's all you see is other people posting this same kind of baity content. Like it's some new thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This has been the case in television, radio, movies. Someone puts out something successful. They're the first to do it. It's a success. And everyone copies that person. Like that's not their fault. I don't watch his content. I've got to say it doesn't feel marketed at me. I don't really enjoy those kind of videos, but I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much of that, by the way, do you think is them sitting down and literally thinking, right, what are all the options from this, like, decision? And like, they must have some vast design document where it's just like a branching tree of all the different things that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, if they kill this guy, we know that he's in all of these other things, so we need to change all of those lines so that they reflect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened to this one character back here? Or do you think it was just in playtesting every time it came up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a big thing actually, like one of the, uhm, the birthday girl's boyfriend had a busted knee. Like, there were a lot of people with bad backs. You know, it's like, we're just getting to that age, and everybody's talking about their kids and stuff. But uhm, he doesn't really have much time for games, my friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he's got a young, young baby and all the rest of it. But he was like, he asked on Facebook, can anyone recommend any games? And I recommended Baldur's Gate 3, because I used to play D&D with him years ago. Uh, and he loved it, like he's still on Act 1. He's only playing it a bit at a time, but every time he plays it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I fucking love this game. And I think it's one of those games that if you've done any kind of role playing or any games like that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't matter, like that, if you have, it'll make you love it because you think, oh, this is so perfect. But I know people who haven't even played really many games when they played Baldur's Gate, they loved it. Do you think it's just because it's so slick and fun or because it really does, because of the voice acting and everything, you really do feel like you're in another world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where as you're doing something, someone walks in, or someone walks past, and it's like instantly everyone in the town knows. Yes. It doesn't really make sense, like they get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree with that, but I guess there needs to be a payoff for being a good guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess it's just, like, it is gamified, but I feel like if you don't have that stuff in, it would kinda break the game. What they could do is give you the option, like, when you start, of be like, do you want this kind of global crime stuff, like classic GTA and Red Dead thing, or do you want a more realistic take?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my start to the year's also been pretty shitty, and I just kind of, I've just tried to, to basically focus on other things. And just think, you know, you just gotta ride it out, like these shitty periods in your life, everybody has them. Sometimes it all comes along at once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the last day we have today. Well, I would like to, uh, I don't want to brag or anything, I don't want to big myself up, but, uh, I, uh, Lewis, you asked me to set up a fundraiser thing, a Tiltify fundraiser thing for the Jingle Jam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did. Which I did, and I set a goal for, uh, to raise 100 pounds, and we blew that one out of the water. Very optimistic of you. It's gone. Yeah, it's gone. Wow. Yeah. So, good job everybody, it was really good. Really nice. Well done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeah, 19, by the sounds of it. 19, 19 people- So you could try and up your numbers today if you wanted to. Well, I mean, I try every day. Like, I'm hustlin' like, all the time. Like, uh, I'm just pluggin' and pluggin' and pluggin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching a documentary yesterday where some lads were doing some burglaries and the cops finally caught up with them. And when they knew their goose was cooked, they were running. They were running away down the street through the fields and stuff. And I just thought to myself,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, that's miserable, eh? Like, that's gotta be the icing on the cake. Knowing that, eminently, you're going to be apprehended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're probably going to be spending quite some time in jail for all of your crimes that you've committed. And on top of it all, you have to run, like for a while, even knowing that it's futile, but you're still running. You know that feeling when you're just completely out of breath and you're panting and you're panicking and everything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just know that no matter what you do, you're just gonna- you're gonna get caught. God, that's gonna suck right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wonder, I mean, I guess if you're in really good shape, you have a really good chance, but the problem is now they've got-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's not just, it's not just two guys in a, in a, in an Oldsmobile chasing you around the city. Right. They got lots of people involved. You know, if they, if they know they want somebody, they'll, they'll call in, you know, even just to go to somebody's house to serve a warrant. There's like 20 of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, in case things get hairy and they have to watch each other and check on each other and record each other and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, oh man. You ever, uhm, you ever see aliens on your front doorstep or? Usually on Halloween.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the, uh, in the middle of the night. Oh, a couple of times, yeah. A couple of times, yeah, usual stuff. Just pretty straightforward stuff. What'd you see? Well, I saw a flash of light, a glowing skull floating in front of my door. I saw a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Licking my doorbell for three hours, uh, straight. Standard stuff, really? Yeah, it's all. Just normal stuff for Jersey, the Isle of Jersey. At what point?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the doorbell licking I probably would phone the police, honestly. Yeah, I find that very alarming behaviour. I get that there's, you know, probably some issues, some mental illness there and stuff, but I still-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I saw this on Reddit one time. I see. Uh, there's three hours of this man licking a doorbell, like, like he was, uh, like he was, you know, maybe pleasure, like, like pleasuring a woman, but it was a doorbell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was your first reaction, like, with being faced with somebody potentially intruding into your house? Like, what did you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good idea too. If you could lock your bathroom, but then you have to be able to like behind the medicine cabinet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost like home alone some intruders, you know what I mean? If you had a panic room. If you could get onto like a PA system, turn on all the lights in the house and start like blasting music and kind of make fun of them a lot for being caught saying like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think house intrusion has to be one of the worst things that can happen to you. Not the worst, but it's up there, I think, for traumatic events that could potentially happen to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody's been in your, in your house and taken some of your stuff and even if you get it back, you just never feel the same again, you know, you'd just be, you'd always be worried like knowing that it's happened and it happened again and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I woke up, uh, early this morning cause there's everybody, like the baby was still asleep. Uhm, but everybody else had woken up early and they were making a lot of noise and they, they woke me up, but they didn't wake the baby up. So I was just guarding the baby while she was sleeping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you do. And, uh, I was watching, I was watching a POV of a top London chef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, I couldn't have the volume on, but uhm, I was reading some of the comments and they're like, oh my god, I can't believe a kitchen where nobody is screaming at each other and this seems, this is like heaven on earth, but uh, I couldn't hear either way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just watching the whole thing is wild. I can't believe how much organization and uh... Oh, it's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I turned on the volume a couple of times and he was always just really calm, like calmly speaking to somebody or asking for something or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, it was, it was, it was really, really interesting. It is good. I love how he just has this, you know, every once in a while he'll just like arrange things, you know? He's just got like a minute like in between what he's doing and he'll just like, you know, wipe something or arrange it or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It must be really satisfying if you, if you run a ship really tight and it just all works, right? You must, you must have a tremendous sense of satisfaction at the end of the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, some of them sounded like they were like double categories mixed together. Entertainment, celebrity, books and literature, history, geography, science, music, movies... I'm gonna have to rush you, I'm sorry. I'm taking my time, pick my category, I wanna optimize my chances here. Just go TV trivia, dude, you watch a lot of TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, give me celebrity trivia then, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like Duncan is the Keith Richards of the Augscast. He really is Keith Richards, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, I would never have gotten that. You are all yet to get one wrong. I'm gonna get, this is it now. That, Flax getting that one right, it's all hard questions left. Like, I don't even know. Okay, gimme, gimme, gimme, uh, gimme animal trivia, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thinking out loud, you know, it's just... Alright, Sips, your go. What are you gonna pick? Uhm, give me music trivia. I didn't notice this one, actually. Holy crap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know it was 27 though, I couldn't have been much help there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, give me technology please, bud. Okay, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a tough one. I feel like sports and leisure could have maybe had a question more like, you know, how good was Beckham or something like that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think outside the bun. Why would you want to think outside the bun? Work fast, consider that. Or have a think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good. I would have just said Green Bay. I feel like everyone is from Green Bay in Wisconsin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's me. I'm the most tech unsavvy in my whole life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like Batman, oh, I guess it would have made sense that it came out much earlier, because the comic wouldn't have come out in the same era as the original, um, TV show, right? The TV show, the Adam West one. No, that was in the 60s. That was in the 60s, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I don't know, actually. Nicholas Cage is the nephew of... what's he been in a lot of movies? Francis Ford Coppola. It is, yes. How did you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, at least it's a bit more of an animal question than the one I get, but there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jackie Jackson, and they had Latoya, and Janet, and Michael, and like, oh my god, Tito! Jermain! Fucking hell, that's a lot of kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it can't be iRobot. Why would they say movie? No, it's not. I'm trying to help but also throw you off so I can win. I always think of bodysnatchers because they call them the pod people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but what about, what about PSPs though that like nobody has them or uses them anymore, right? They're just outdated. They weren't particularly good. They weren't particularly good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can download tons of stuff now too. You don't have to have the cartridges.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You used to be able to get one of those like, uh, pocket protector things, but it went on your sleeve. You could put it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a pebble, it was like the size of a little pebble, it had one button on it to basically start it, and it could fit about thirty songs on it. PEBBLE. PEBBLE. Well there we go, that was the quiz, did you like the quiz? I loved the quiz, yeah. So Flax wins then, we got the answer at the end. No, no, you won.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes people put that in their will and that is their wishes, but like the family step in and are like, you are not doing this to Bobby's body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched it actually. No, I don't really, I'm not super familiar. They run away, right? They have like a team of expert hunters that monitor them and chase them around, right? It's something like that. Oh, the chase, you mean like the game show one? Yes, yes, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It never appealed, I never really wanted to watch it, and then we started watching the UK one, which as I understand is pretty similar in theme and format to like the American ones, except the players just aren't as good because the American one's been going for like 45 seasons or something, so it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that might have been fear factor. I think the guy who hosts Survivor is the same guy who's been doing it forever. Like, uh, it's like Jeff something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a very funny scene that I, um, that I got to when you're in the city and you go to the brothel and there's the, uh, the, the, the elves, the, the two elves, they want to have a threesome or you can have a foursome with them and your favorite companion. So I picked Gale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and it just had a good vibe. But I don't know who that's retro for as a nostalgia thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. So what I'm thinking is, how could we rebrand Pontins? How could we turn Pontins from being this decaying old institution whose best bet is to hope a nuclear power plant is built nearby? What could you offer 20 to 30 year olds now to get that young crowd in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Butlins Turnover, their revenue in 2010, was the last year on Wikipedia, Wikipedia has uh, beta 4, their revenue was 184 million, and they made 12 million quid profit. That's how much they made. They employ three and a half thousand people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but their net profit is 12.2 mil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so their margin there is about, what is that, 6 or 7%, revenue of 184, net of 12.2, I think that's about 6 or 7%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did he, how did he not get tangled up in the whole U-tree thing? I'll be honest with you, I do not understand. I was like, surely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, nowadays she'd have a real dumper. That's how they make them these days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is about a guy who, he's a, he's a black author who writes very high brow books about very fusty historical subjects.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this book comes out, uhm, that's like, sort of like, not making fun of, but it's like a stereotypical vision of black America, the experience of a black person in America. Comes a massive bestseller, and he gets so pissed off with it, he writes his own parody of that to give to the publishers, like, as a fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's because when you look at the budget for a movie, a lot of the time it doesn't include the marketing costs. And that is almost as much again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's really good to hold over. And basically he has to look after these kids over the Christmas break whose parents wouldn't come and get them. Uhm, and he's basically like institutionalized in this school. He went there himself and now he works here and like it's all the sadness of their lives sort of unravels. It sounds like it's going to be really, really serious and unpleasant, but it's very funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be honest with you, I think that, that Jean Part 2, uhm, first of all, I, I did, I loved the book, like when, it was one of the first big sci-fi books I read, loved it, uhm, really formative, you know, in my, in my brain about what good sci-fi is and everything, and it's still a really good book, uhm, has lots of more intrigue in it than perhaps you could have on film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but they did a bloody good job of taking quite a difficult book to do justice to and bringing it to screen and making it suitable really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's entirely about scientists. I'm a bit upset about that, I will say that. But she's just like, pouting around, they're like, you're one of the greatest physicists of your generation, she's like, whatever, like that, like pouting. It's like, fuck off!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We shall fight them on the beaches. Oh that's Hitler. That is Hitler. 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And with Churchill it is like, I like pigs. I like pigs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because all three of us basically came from something awful. So, and, and Lotax was the owner and sort of manager of the site, like it was his site.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, the goons is what people were on something awful used to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who made shit things or did stupid shit. Like the very early guys who were into bitcoins. There were a lot of really shit public access TV shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm not kidding, something awful is probably the most influential website of the last 20 years. Easily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so much of what you see as just regular internet culture and people who are like big on Twitter, gone on to be comedy writers, all that started off on that website. A lot of the way it is, is why things are the way they are now on the internet. Hundred percent. Hundred fucking percent. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the fucking paperclip AI all over again. We're doomed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but Bubbles is like, he's the guy that has it all together and runs the show, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, there's more booze right here. Help yourself, man. This is gonna be, uh, I'd say one of the best podcasts. Where the fuck is Bubbles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's he doing on this fabulous day to his? I don't know man. Is he taking her for? Lunch or something. Chinese food? Maybe Chinese food. Poutine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hot dogs? It doesn't matter man, he's on a date, hopefully things will work out. You should take him to an afternoon movie, he's using a lot of people there and get second, maybe third base.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not jacking off Bieber in the fucking movie theater today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But people do go to the movie theaters and jack off. A lot of people have been caught.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's other, there's other people that got caught jacking off the bathroom as well. There's that, that older dude. Sam Elias?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was, got caught jacking off. And he was like, fuck, I was jacking off. Whoopty shit. I, I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So. You jack off in a movie theater? No, I'm just saying if you get caught, you may as well just fucking embrace it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so anyway, he said he's got a guest coming in who's gonna help us out. He just said, get the fucking thing going and then someone's gonna arrive and help us out. He said, this guest's gonna be cool and- Did he tell you where he was taking it? Here or him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been fucking hanging out with it, feeding it mackerel. That would be a good place to take a date. Be all fucking cute, you might get the home plate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not gonna head, not, oh, just get the fuck out of here. It's for drinking, it's for, it's for our sponsors, isn't it? What, this one? I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jackenoff Bieber finger blasting somebody at the movie theater. And now he's sending you here for me to fucking deal with? Like this is a great day. Good times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Julian? Yeah, no, that's not gonna happen. Could be a different Julian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I-Icky league, sir. The who? Pitty key, sir. Whatever the fuck the-nevermind. What the pitty keys, right? He was a Julian, wasn't he? The-the fucked up the what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it was called The Randy Show, Ann Leigh. Something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could put on a goatee clinic. Or set up a booth. Go into a goatee contest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing. Just go on the show and you'll find out. It's not gonna happen. Well, he doesn't even drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's not attracted to any of the guests, you don't have to worry about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, 430 cocaine, 451 cocaine, 505 cocaine, 511 coffee, 530 more ice and chivas, 545 cocaine, 6pm grass to take the edge off, 705 you'd head to the woody creek tavern.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For lunch you would get a Heineken, two margaritas, two cheeseburgers, two orders of fries, a plate of tomatoes, that's an odd one, coleslaw, a taco salad,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Double order of onion rings, carrot cake, ice cream, bean fritter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dunhill's another Heineken, cocaine, came for the ride home, a snow cone, a glass of shredded ice over which is poured three or four jiggers of Chivas. 9pm, cocaine. Hey! 10pm, drops acid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After eating some fettuccine and some champagne in the hot tub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then he started drinking. He was 12 years old. I was earlier than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might want to rethink that wardrobe, because something bad is about to happen to you. You're about to leak. They probably know what anal leakage is all about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So does hash and honey oil and marijuana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw him trying to wear shirts. He's putting plastic bags over his skin and then wearing some shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't enjoying- I was just there for fuck's sakes. You were there. I couldn't look away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, like when you're hanging out or whatever. You guys have a lot in common? You get along good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I found out this thing happens over in Japan you guys might want to fucking try to get to next year. What's that? The annual penis festival. That's a good one. They celebrate the penis. It's like I think in April maybe? And they have big penis floats, penis lollipops and penis candles you can buy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, would you ever take, if you caught a big salmon, would you ever take a picture, and the fish would be your penis bra?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The voice of this painting man that said, with his penis out, that fought the black bra with boxing skills. The what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or maybe it's those, uh, what do they call them? The, uh, things are finally ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right on. Thank you, Mr. Leahy. Do I have to give you something in return? We were up there shooting season 11. Yeah, I cancelled my contract, but I could give you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to the in official trailer park boys podcast. We have a special guest today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ, I don't know how you do that. I'd wake up fuckin' face down the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew this was coming. No. Just do what you wanna get over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. There you go, just do it, get it over with. Alright, what did you need me to do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or touched, or you know what I mean? Wait, woah, woah, woah, did that shit happen to you? No, no, not if you go- He licks and touches you? You'll have a good time, Julian. I'm not going on. This, like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The show actually is pretty good. You should watch it sometime. I'll watch it. I think it's better than this piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just leave me like that. I don't give a fuck what you do, man. I'm outta here. I've had enough time with you. We'll send you some pictures later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a t-shirt. Hitler was a warrior. Yea, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's another step towards the WALL-E future, isn't it? It really is. It's the feature you've warned us about. 300 plus episodes. It's another step.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know they're all fun, and that was fun too because we got to work with the great Bill Murray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bill would be, uh, it'd be great to get him up to Sunnyvale sometime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bill does stuff. I can never speak for him what he would or wouldn't do, but he's game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty good weather for this part of Canada though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to meet him. In his 80s, he still kicked the crap out of all of us at once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's nice, the weather's nice. The weather's good. Beautiful girls, uh, fun people, uh, good livin'. Little crowded. Little crowded. Little crowded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple of earthquakes, yup. Quakes get goin' there. So I lived there, but then I moved back to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Moved back to New England and I moved to outside of Boston, so that's where I live now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother Pete and I are taking that movie that we did, There's Something About Mary, and we're trying to turn it into a Broadway play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get a bird, it's a commitment. Some of these ones with the toucans and stuff, they can live 80, 90 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That turtle could have Alzheimer's by that date, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's better to not listen to it, it's better to just come for dinner after it's all ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you taste like bacon? What do you walk on four legs or two?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When was the last time you kissed or made out with a girl or a woman? You know, like dipped your fingers or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bobby. Alright, we should, yeaah. There must be something else we could talk about I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's nothing, I don't remember, Bubs. Can you give me a hint?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where you shot me, myself and Darlene, wasn't it? In Rhode Island?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's that? Cam Neely. Oh, Cam Neely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a bunch of them. Like a nugget packer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he might be just fuck with people, he might know what happened, he's just giving them little pieces just to fuck with them. I bet you that bird's smarter than you. Nope. Absolutely, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I haven't had one long enough to, to, I don't know. I've never tested it. I might go do that. Rip his cloth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might be. Thirty-seven. Thirty-six. Very exciting day. Alright, okay, okay, just a sec before we get into the guests and shit. This is brought to you by Jukasa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do I survive over in Hong Kong? I know it's like lots of seafood, fucking shit like that, but I don't know man, they got some weird people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so the person that invented television is like, Donnie Television, right? That's not true, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They probably put it in with the fucking plastic, made about 500 special editions, sold under like 50 bucks each. That's what I would do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so fuck you, Ricky. Fuck you. Ever see a cobra when it comes up? Flattens out, man. Same thing as a worm. Just like my wiener does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You fucking kidding me? It's real. He's the stupidest man on the planet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You shoulda told me I kinda advertised it, you know what I mean? Like, you might wanna mention, hey, by the way, I'm not fuckin' J Rock, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fucking thing's driving me crazy. Ricky, don't be promoting it. We're not getting paid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pennsylvania right on, man. You voting for Donald Trump?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Rick, you do have, you've got some problems, man. What does he mean I'm fucked? Like looking or? Just fucked in the head. Like dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the shit, that's what I thought. I don't think so. I think, you know when you're walking down the street and you see somebody and you're like, look at that guy, he's fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I'm not the fucking one of those guys on the street. The guy who got my life together. Got a fucking... Some education. Fucking good family guy. Good... Good father. Good gram-father.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fair. You know, I try to research things every week. Where's the shit? What do you got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, okay, so we're not gonna, what are we doing here, not taking any calls now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one scared the fuck out of me. The UFO hunters believe they've spotted a fossilized remains of a T-Rex in a NASA photo on Mars. It's kind of scary that dinosaurs were on Mars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's, we don't know much about the fucking dinosaurs. Maybe they were traveling around in space. They could have been smarter than us. There's a lot bigger, bigger brains. Maybe they had fucking dinosaur ships.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, leave him there and then he becomes fossilized in the ground? How could you forget a motherfucking dinosaur, dawg?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were super big and the, you know, the dinosaur was only the same size as a cat is to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably. Why are you so excited to take calls? Because people are calling me up on my laptop, man. It's pretty cool. Hello!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it means, Ricky. It's kinda cool. What do you got on your big yellow card there, Ricky? Uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't really have much. There was some birds that were flying in a majestic penis formation. Some peregrine falcons. It's kinda cool. They're big cock and balls. It's all over the internet. Guess it's not really exciting. You would've liked it though, pups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't send you a picture of a man's balls, Ricky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great stories. Well, how about this one? This one's not bad. This guy robbed the bank with a sex store. He had to plead guilty. He fuckin' invested some money for his, uh, honeymoon. Aaron Steen, or S-T-E-I-N. Doesn't matter really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He invested some money for his fucking honeymoon, he lost his money so he fucking panicked and he got some phone wires, some duct tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I guess it wasn't real. Wasn't actually gonna blow up, Ricky. Was it? No, I guess it was fake. Yeah, you're right. Anyway, it's a fucked up thing to do. It's pretty dumb. If you're gonna rob a bank, you should have a real weapon, at least. Same fucking problem, same charges.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] J-Rock's here, whether say hi to J-Rock. Hey, what's up, Fanny Pac? Hey, J-Rock. How you doing, Tidy? How you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Fanny Back, is this the Fanny Back that I called a dumb cunt during Dear Julian?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't, I do all kinds of that stuff, believe me. With yourself? By yourself, bubs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buy a plane ticket, come over here, jump on bubbles. Get your Heathrow on, fanny pack.


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[Assistant] I thought I was a dude, man. Dudes start whining all my life, it's horrible. So I decided to call a dude that C-word? I thought I was a dude, yea, dude. Not a chick.


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[Assistant] Just, let's talk about something else. Sure. What do you think the most Google porn term in the United States of America is? Cats.


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[Assistant] Sisters. Nope, that's a good one though. That's a weird one, but I guess it's a good one. Twins. Twins. Lesbian. Lesbian. All lesbian. Step sister was second. Step mom, third, MILF. And if you're in, uh, Rhode Island, yea, MILF. And cartoons.


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[Assistant] Isn't he? He should, he was fucking cool. Yeah, I like him.


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[Assistant] What the fuck am I going to do about this man? Are you going to take them or do you want to talk about more things? What do you want to do? Take a call. Who dis?


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[Assistant] He's got some kids, man, so it definitely works alright. I don't know, I don't know, vote now.


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[Assistant] And I doubt he has a little toupee on his bird, if that's what you're asking. Cause you know, that thing's not real.


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[Assistant] He's saying this is real, man. He says his hair is real? It's the fucking race he does. That's what he says. Somebody grabbed it. Who fucking grabbed his hair? Your mother.


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[Assistant] Alright, we're done boys. That's fucking bullshit. What? You making a fucking side deal with him, aren't I?


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[Assistant] The contracts app, I'm still talking to them, great company. But right now, it's Liquor Man's and BackstreetMerge.com. They're also sponsoring this.


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[Assistant] He might be. I don't know yet. I've still gotta talk to him about that.


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[Assistant] Well, you better get fucking talking to them, cause- Just start, man. I didn't think I- I totally forgot this contract with Jukasa. What's up? But-


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[Assistant] Well, you were. You at least signed off on it. Alright, we gotta, are we gonna get this going now or what?


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Backstreetmerch.com. You just gotta click on the fucking banner, you can buy merch.


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[Assistant] Especially if people are buying your shit. I'm not sure- Is there stuff there with me on it? Yeah, I think there's a couple things there, yeah. Like what?


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[Assistant] Probably shirt or something. I don't fucking know. So you put me on a t-shirt and didn't fucking include me in it. No, I didn't put you on the t-shirt. This company put you on the t-shirt. But you must have told them they could. Well, yea, you signed off on it.


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[Assistant] You know, okay. What are you gonna say about that? Huh? What is it?


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[Assistant] Yeaah, man. Maybe Ricky can like swing, like there's a little action figure. The, the stick. We could, they could sell clearing sticks.


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[Assistant] So they don't transform? Maybe it's already been done. There's no way man.


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[Assistant] I was going to say, the gunpoint, you wouldn't need the gunpoint if it was Wilna or Betty. But fucking Fred and Bernie? I don't even want to think about that, Rick.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was gonna have a little contest. Okay, if you have a pencil.


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[Assistant] You started drawing a line? Yeaah. How far will that line go until it runs out? The winner gets a bottle of this. What? You have a pencil, draw on the line, okay? Yeaah. How far until it runs out? The pencil. The pen is on the fucking kind of pencil. Oh, for fucks sakes, bubs, it's a pencil.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you can get as high as you want. We just gotta sit here and talk about, you know, shit that's going on around the world and-


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[Assistant] He's got it all fucked. No, we doesn't have it all fucked, we just keep it going.


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[Assistant] No, I'll tell you right now, even if you shit yourself, we're not stopping. We go right through, there's no editing. Really? Yes. So, sorry, but we're going now. It's too late to use it. Okay, Dewey? Alright, are we, is this, are we on right now? Yes! When are we starting, boys?


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[Assistant] Hey, what's going on motherfuckers? Trailer Perk Boys official podcast. Coming at ya. Which number? 51. 31. Nope, it's 32. Yes, and in the kitchen with us today, fucking singer, songwriter, demigod, JP Cormier, guitar picker,


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[Assistant] Unbelievable. See, he's got a greasy deal worked out with a sponsor, and he just, he doesn't care, he just, you know, forced people into his grease.


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[Assistant] This just comes in a bunch of flavors and shit, man. You just dump the shit in. Flick the butt and vape all up. You better wash that thing. I don't know where that was, but I wouldn't be wrapping my lips around it. Clears out the, clears out the, uh, sinuses. Yeah, ass, ass will do that. Ricky, what are you doing? I was trying to get, trying to get my health on with these fruit sups. The what? Fruit sups.


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[Assistant] Fruitsubs? Fruitsup. Fruitsup. Fruitsup.


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[Assistant] It's called a fruit cup, Recky. What's that? It's called a fruit cup. See the cup it's in? That's a fruit cup. It's not fruit's eye.


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[Assistant] Now, Lucy's trying to get me to be a bit more healthy eating my fruits and vegetables.


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[Assistant] See this right now, they can only hear it. Ricky has started to eat a fruit cup using a old, tarnished, fucking trophy. A shuttlecock, badminton trophy.


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[Assistant] So he's eating fruit out of a shuttlecock. He's eating fruit out of a shuttlecock. A metal shuttlecock. Better a shuttlecock than a real cock, I guess. He's got a point there.


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[Assistant] What? You're taking this device, which has got a fucking, you know, diameter of about two inches. Trophy shovel.


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[Assistant] And you're sticking it into your fruit cup to scoop up the fruit. And this is almost as big as this. Why don't you just take this and tip it into your mouth?


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[Assistant] There it is. There it is, folks. There what is?


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[Assistant] Let's get some question going, like, okay, when did, when did you start playing the guitar? That's a good question. When I was five.


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[Assistant] Right on. Yeah. I started playing when I was five too. Did you? I just didn't excel quite to the level of yourself. I've seen you rock out man, I know you can pick. I can pick. Oh yeah man.


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[Assistant] I mean, now I see him, I see there's a bit of it, I dunno. You know what? I used to, I had to cut my hair cause of him.


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[Assistant] Oh no, you suck. Are you serious, man? Yeah, man, all the time, years ago. Okay, well- You know what, maybe it's just one of those weird little things, like, what came first, the chicken or its legs? I mean the egg, right? Chicken or the egg.


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[Assistant] Grew off your legs. Maybe. Is that how babies could start his legs? Or a hand? Or a fucking head? I don't fucking know. And they just grow everything else out. Like a starfish.


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[Assistant] Ricky, they don't start off like growing his legs inside of, you know, that's not how, it's like the brain or something. Okay. Like a starfish? How do you imagine a starfish? What's he do, Ricky? What's he start out as? Fuck, that's a good one. Probably a sand dollar. You gotta be fucking kidding me.


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[Assistant] Y'all store it up here. Once again I'll carry this pot cash. Okay.


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[Assistant] Pretty big. I dunno. It'd be pretty big, right? What, that big?


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[Assistant] It was like an egg, so it wouldn't have been, it wouldn't hurt as much as shoving that up there, I guess. Might be kind of soft too. It's just powder.


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[Assistant] You'd think a vagina would seal that right off, though, and you wouldn't smell anything. Ricky. Why would you think that, Ricky? What do you mean? Ricky. You mean if you pop her in there, it would just go


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[Assistant] I guess it depends on the size of the woman and the size of the vagina, I guess. But anyway, she had an awful hole over there, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, she could use a cork or something. So it was just gonna drop out.


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[Assistant] Go pitch to Walmart, Ricky, see if they'll take that and put it on their shelves. It's marinated in coffee beans.


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[Assistant] Thousand euros, whatever the fuck those are. What are Europe's, or euros?


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[Assistant] The fuck when we get a cup of crocodile? I can order them in, I heard, at the pet store. I think they're alligators.


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[Assistant] Better have an alligator than Cory. Haven't you ever heard about the gators down in the sewers? Cause people get the baby gators and they don't want them no more. So they fluff them down the toilet.


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[Assistant] Do you have a favorite like touring story or tour memory? Oh.


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[Assistant] Well, mostly my, probably my favorite place to tour is Scotland. Oh yea? I love it over there. Cause they got lots of beer.


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[Assistant] Yep. I love Scotland too. Oh yeah. We went to a castle when we were over there. Where were we in Scotland? Glasgow. Yeah. I didn't know. Okay. They're the same. Okay. Yes, Ricky. Glasgow is a city, Ricky, in Scotland. Okay. And you said that Nova Scotia means... New Scotland. New Scotland. Yeah, that's right. So that's kind of cool. And there's a town called New Glasgow too. New Glasgow, New Scotland. Very confusing.


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[Assistant] So you like Scotland the best though? Yes, well I mean Canada's amazing too. Oh absolutely. I've toured from one side to the other twice, three times a year so.


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[Assistant] I think when he was asking you for a favorite tour story, I think he was looking for, you know, something crazy. Things have happened. Maybe stuff you can't.


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[Assistant] Say, you probably can't repeat it on the air, Ricky. You know, dirty stuff.


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[Assistant] It's been a long time since I talked to her. Did you bring your guitar? No, I didn't bring my guitar. I guess it's probably a good thing she wouldn't.


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[Assistant] Looked very good next to him, I guess, but I didn't know if you guys wanted to play or... Come on now. No, I wanna hear him play. You wanna play us a fuckin'... Yeah, sure. Play us a number? Right on. I'm gonna play you one here.


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[Assistant] Well, did you write that? No, it's old PD, but public domain, but I've come from the old guitar player, like Merle Travis.


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[Assistant] What is it? Cannonball rag, I'm gonna try to- He's drawing a snake!


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[Assistant] Baby's legally called the Motel. Yep, Jacob's a fucking idiot. It's like that girl was named Absida in New York City. A-B-C-D-E. Oh really? That's a true story. Absida. Absida? Yep. That's really fucked up. Yep. And Ashola. That's a true story too. Ashola. Ashola? A-S-S-H-O-L-E. Ashola.


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[Assistant] I mean the motels bring it up there with those, Bob, so. You know what would be a bad one? Dude just say, you know what surprised me?


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[Assistant] I don't really have much here, I guess I was a little more fucked up when I was looking at this shit, but uh, we could talk about this woman in-


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[Assistant] What happened there? She told us she's gotta get rid of her chickens. What?


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[Assistant] Run around, so the fucking people went there with the cops, said you gotta get rid of chickens. She said, well, they helped lower my grocery bill, so it's a fucking bit of a catch-23. I don't know.


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[Assistant] What a fucked up story. It's kind of depressing. Why would you, you came up with that piece of shit story?


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[Assistant] I think it raises a very important question.


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[Assistant] We still haven't figured it out, have we, Ricky? It's like a chicken po- oh gosh. I feel like this one, Bob's. A fucking cat. Got stunk on s- stuck on someone's bumper. Down in San- San Di- ego. San Di- ego? San Diego. He got stuck in the bumper.


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[Assistant] Stuck in the fucking bumper and this chick was driving around for eight miles before people could flag her down. So you got a fucking cat, cat sticking out of your bumper and he was hanging out like this on the front bumper.


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[Assistant] I don't know if he's fine in the head after that. I imagine what he's fucking thinking. Stuck in a room like this, flying around, fucking... You little freak dude. Ricky, you've done it.


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[Assistant] You turned out fine. Anyway, he's alright buddy. He didn't get his head cut off or anything like that. How'd you get in there?


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[Assistant] Right. I've seen you try to fit through holes you can't fit through. Well, cats, same thing. No.


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[Assistant] Cats don't do that. You know what whiskers are for, Ricky? A cat can tell what he can fit through, because he can gauge it with his fucking whiskers. Well, maybe they got melted off when he was smoking a joint or something. He couldn't gauge anything properly.


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[Assistant] He's trying to feel it, going, that hole's bigger than me. Nope.


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[Assistant] So you think the cat melted his whiskers off smoking a joint, and that's how he ended up misjudging the fucking distance between the car and the bumper. One possibility, isn't it? No. It's not a possibility. It's fucked. It is fucked.


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[Assistant] You guys should be bringing more shit and be prepared. Cause you don't like any of my shit, you think it's fucking weird. No, I like all the stuff you come up with, just not bad kiddie stories. That's all. Does he like the news director for this thing? No, but, you know, we let him, you know. Julian fucking tries to run the show sometimes and it's always fucked, turns into talking about cocks.


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[Assistant] And, uh, he's gonna get back to me. So you're gonna, so they sent us products to promote, and you're gonna sell them and take the money. How does that work? I'm gonna go up and talk to the guys, see if he's interested in trying them out. Here's the deal, I'm not smoking this anymore until I get a fucking jug that big. What else is in there? I already showed you man, a bunch of boxes, a bunch of pens.


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[Assistant] Alright, here's a little bit of stuff you want to read up on it yourself. Can I have one more? I don't think this one's dumb. This one might be cool even for Julian. The headline was gold bar found in bathroom during renovation. I think the headline should have been either this. Thomas Fokker, good Samoan. Because what happened was this plumber goes in, finds a fucking gold bar. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Okay, so he, this guy goes into this apartment. He's renovating the bathroom, finds a fucking gold bar. Okay. Somewhere in the wall. And he tells him about it. I mean, I guess.


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[Assistant] They might have put the gold bar in there to see if they had an honest plumber or not. I never thought of that.


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[Assistant] Well, I don't know, I mean, I guess he's, like I said, a good smoker, just a good person, but I probably would've been like, holy fuck, boys, there's a fucking gold bar in here, let's get the fuck out of here now.


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[Assistant] Good Samoan. Yeah, but you know what? It might have been a sting operation. They might have had a camera, hidden camera. To see if you were going to try to steal, then next thing you know, boom. It was 2020.


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[Assistant] That'd never pass. That sounds like a porno. Yea, that'd never get passed. Really, Ricky? Yea, yea. Yea, have you seen that new show? Cocksucker's the fuck yea.


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[Assistant] Alright, let's do that then. I'll try to set that up. We may make some money off that.


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[Assistant] As long as me and Ricky are the guys that get to, like, sneak in the place and hide the shit for them to find, like the clandestine.


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[Assistant] Yeah. How to Catch a Contractor in Brackets. Tonight on Brackjaw. Yeah, with your host. So how do you use that show? I don't know. Catch a Contractor, yeah. Well, it exists. Certainly burst our bubble.


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[Assistant] Hopefully we can at least hear another song. I think you should rip off another tune. Oh, we're gonna do that then. Let's see here. What pick is it? J.B. Cormier, right here. I can get into my own pants. Julian, Julian. Jobs, why don't you get into his pants? Julian, dig in there.


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[Assistant] I'll play some jigs for ya. This is a stone bridge.


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[Assistant] It's, uh, it's actually made by the owner of the company. His name is, uh, Ferck. He's from Czechoslovakia.


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[Assistant] That'll be the Kitty Jig. Kitty Jig, right there. Nice, good drinking music. Yea man. I'll have ya, I do a show called Guitar Lessons with Bubbles, maybe I'll have you on that. Sweet. And you can teach me how to play it. Yea man.


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[Assistant] True story. Go to the fights and the dance breaks out. Yes, sir.


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[Assistant] Katy Perry is John Benet-Rams. I don't think we want to talk about that. Jesus. Don't even say, don't say that. What did he say?


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[Assistant] Oh nice, nice. Imagine that'll be a ripper. Oh yeaah. In and out.


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[Assistant] On the Friday night at the Ironwood Grill. I'd love to see you play more, man. Two songs was just a tease. Kinda like Julien's mother.


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[Assistant] Well, none of us really know who our mothers are, so that's why we make fun of them and get away with it, I guess. Well, we know about your mother, Tammy. No, we don't. The biggest whore.


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[Assistant] I just say that's not joking around, but what you're talking about is true. Exactly. So it's meaner. It's not really mean, no, it's, it's the truth. Okay, boy, come on now. Company, you got company, eh? That's right.


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[Assistant] I don't get to oversee you much, you know. Jesus. I can't even believe you came to see us. We're... Oh man, I wouldn't have missed it for the world.


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[Assistant] Looks like Ronald McDonald socks. There's red and I'll be like, hey Motel, do you see any green on there anywhere? Why'd you throw the dick on it?


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[Assistant] Boss, because he couldn't have her hanging down there. He'd be catching it on branches. Ripped off in the gravel.


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[Assistant] Maybe if he's going downhill and he gets slithering to his back. Flops it out there. Drops the brake. It's like a kickstand. Yeah. Grinder to a halt. That's probably great up, great up some of the meat on it though.


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[Assistant] I don't know, yeah. Be a tough call. Probably, why? Won't get greeted, huh? It's boom.


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[Assistant] Leave it retracted like the landing gear and fucking just crash into the fucking swamp. Well what if you're hitting for a brick wall?


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[Assistant] And you gotta choose between your face and your dick. You just smash in the wall face first.


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[Assistant] I don't think so, man. I think he probably does too, actually. It's coming up because it wants to bang, okay? It, it, that's all it wants to do with that thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More down there as well? Your unit? I dunno. Is the rig a little larger today as well? He's checking. I can't believe you're fucking checking, man. No, I don't think that grew. Well, you didn't grow then, man.


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[Assistant] Just separate them, man. That's the normal fucking sensible thing to do.


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[Assistant] What the fuck are you talking about? I got something on the go here, boys. And I can't tell you right now because you could fuck it all up.


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[Assistant] Keep smoking that, you can smoke it a few more times. It'd be nice. Alright, what are we doing here? Do you guys want to give away some presents here? To each other?


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[Assistant] This took me a while to find, I had to go on eBay and took a long time to find this motherfucker.


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[Assistant] That's gonna really change things up, eh? Well, it's a bit of a V in there. I'm not sure if I'm gonna like it or not, but I'll check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just go keep drinking and just forget that evening. Alright. Alright, Merry Christmas motherfuckers.


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[Assistant] Alright boys, are we ready to do this fucking podcast or what? Yea, go ahead. You're painting. Yea, don't fucking mind me boys, just making something for Moe's room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, what's going on fuckers? It's the Trailer Park Boys Podcast coming at ya. This is episode number 26.


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[Assistant] So you fucked up the last one. No, I thought the last one was 26. I said it was a half a year. Last one was 25, this is now 26. Jesus, I'm looking it up. Just get your shit together, man. Ricky, are you hurt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Join us or what are you painting over there? Just making a little painting for Mo's Room. We've been learning a lot about paint and artists and a lot of the kids books.


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[Assistant] It's fuckin' cool, boys. And fuckin' get your mind off shit like fuckin' smokin' and stuff, which is good for me right now, tryin' to be healthy still in the newer year. Well, you're still smokin' that jucasa thing, aren't ya?


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[Assistant] Yep, this week, last week I only had 44 cigarettes, or only bought 44 cigarettes. This week I bought fucking, I bought two packs.


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[Assistant] I bought two packs and I still got fucking almost 30 smokes left. Sorry. No. I don't. I did. I've got about 15 smokes left. So it's better than last week anyway. So how many of these things are you fucking downing?


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[Assistant] Hey, let's get this podcast going, man. My fucking yellow and my orange and mixed together with my fucking green and blue. Fuck sakes.


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[Assistant] What is that now, Ricky? Is that the sign or what do you think?


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[Assistant] It's, you know, Abber, Abber, what's it called, you know?


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[Assistant] Well, it's not really, Ricky. It's, it looks kinda like the sun. You think so?


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[Assistant] Somebody cut his cock off, or he cut his own cut off his cock. Where's the guy that cut his ear off? Name Vincent Van Gogh. You think that could be him? Yea, that's him actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What show? It's called Little Einstein's. It's for kids, and you fuckin', you get learned a lot of shit on it, let me tell ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Williams from Howell, Overture, the, uh,


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[Assistant] I can't remember now, guys, but I've been learning a lot, I've only watched a couple episodes, and look at me now, I'm fucking painting, and I'm alive. What do you got there for paint?


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[Assistant] I forgot how you make blue, but I know it's red. And something. I think. Or no, it's not. I forget.


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[Assistant] Cool, pick up some new things in my fucking new year. I think you could keep painting, I'm just, you know. Oh, you got a little hat on too!


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[Assistant] I didn't see that. That's one thing I realized with Serena. You say, hey boys, I'm gonna fucking do some painting, and I wanna look like a painter, and I'm not paying for anything. They bring you shit. It's great. This is all free. All that's free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing, that doesn't even fit your hat head, man. It's like just resting on it. What painter would wear that? I thought that was what they did. You're supposed to learn French and you put one of these on and then you can paint.


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[Assistant] It is going. Okay, got some news for you guys. We officially became a business. The three of us. What does that mean? It means we're gonna get paid soon, hopefully. I had to go into, you know, the Revenue Canada. I had to get a business number. It's under our name. Actually, under your guys' names. It's Julian, Ricky, and Bubbles Incorporated. So we're all set up. We're gonna get paid soon.


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[Assistant] Well, that's just because you're dumb, man. If you have problems throughout the day, you know, of avoiding cars and shit and getting hit, then you got problems, man. You're stupid. It's because you're stupid and I'm smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little too much, don't you think? No, it's fantastic. It's great for seeing things. Numbers are nice and big, you don't gotta squint. The problem with little calculators is they're made for little people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, people who have really thick glasses might need that. I don't need the fucking thing. I'm just saying it's convenient. Man, look. Look how easy that is to read now. See, you can write anywhere upside down on the calculator. Boobless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wouldn't be really able to see that on a regular calculator. Everybody knows that fucking trick. Yea, but you can't write, you said, did you say you can write any word? Pretty much, yea. All the numbers look like letters, if they're upside down.


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[Assistant] You can write any word on the fucking calculator. You can't write every word on the fucking calculator. Write chicken, Ricky. Write chicken for me. Just a second, I was gonna do something else, but I couldn't remember how to do the H.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So. So. So. Yeah. Brilliant. That's not chicken though, is it? Chicken's a little tougher. It's gonna take me a while to figure that one out.


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[Assistant] You gotta go anyway. You can't spell the word. There's a different thing you're going through where this, it's hard to explain, boys, but you can do it. Come your down. What fucking number looks like a K? Huh?


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[Assistant] Alright. Okay, we done now? Is that it? No, we're not fucking done. Oh, okay, well what should we do?


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[Assistant] Listen to this one, Ricky. Dr. Seuss, you know green eggs and ham?


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[Assistant] Sure do. One of my favorite books. He wrote that to win a bet against his publisher?


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[Assistant] Bad of me couldn't write a book for 50 words or less, and Dr. Seuss said, fuck you, I can't. I betcha I fucking can. And then he wrote Green Eggs and Ham, one of the-


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[Assistant] Most famous books ever. Didn't you already talk about this? I don't think we talked about this, maybe. You talked about this before. See, now you're using shit that you already used, man.


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[Assistant] I did? Which is making this a super lame fucking podcast. We were super fucked up at the time, but I think you did talk about it.


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[Assistant] Man, you got all kinds of shit here. I got some fucking facts here. I know, but am I that fucking baked? You are the- no, you- That's the problem, we're not baked enough. Well, I'm baked. Fuck's sake.


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[Assistant] Big deal if there's no clocks, you can just look at the time when your fucking clock, your watch, or your...


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[Assistant] Phone or whatever. Okay, guess what the first product was to ever have a barcode on it? Pizza. No. A barcode, the thing you scan.


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[Assistant] Cause you wouldn't have the barcode scanner. First thing you ever invented was fire, so it's probably something to do with that, maybe. How do you gotta put a fucking barcode on fire, idiot? Matches. Oh my Jesus. It was Wrigley's gum. Why? It wasn't fire, it wasn't the scanner. I don't know, they... So Wrigley, it was his invention? Michael Wrigley? Michael Wrigley.


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[Assistant] It's the Wrigley's Gum Company, I don't know who the fuck the guy's name.


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[Assistant] 2,500 left handed people. Left handed people die a year.


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[Assistant] Fuckin' chainsaw went right into his leg. I, when you said that, products, I thought you meant like, you know, like- Air products?


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[Assistant] What else you got there? Here's to you, Marty McKnight. Okay.


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[Assistant] Well, I give a fuck, cause if there's ten times as many per weight as humans, they could take over the world if they wanted to attack. If they could form a termite army.


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[Assistant] Well no, you could just gas the cocksuckers. Yeaah. Or step on them. Yeaah. Drive over them. Do whatever. Alright, here's another interesting fact. A hedgehog, no, fuck the hedgehog.


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[Assistant] Okay, here's another one. A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in one night.


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[Assistant] That's a fuckin', that's, that's big. Holy fuck, is that real? That's real man.


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[Assistant] Her and her fucking moles about leading them by leashes and they're just tunneling them wherever the fuck he wants to go.


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[Assistant] Think about how fast that is. That's one mole. Imagine if you had fucking 40 all strapped together like a Santa has his reindeer. I shouldn't have even mentioned it, man. You think the guy that escaped, what was his name? El Palo. Chapo. Chapo? I don't know, man. You think he had a herd of moles. It's one theory, isn't it? It's your theory, which is totally fucked. A herd of moles on leashes. Eating their way out of jail.


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[Assistant] Okay, here's another good one. Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks. Well, uh, I wouldn't fucking say so. Tell that to fucking Kenny D'Entremont. Who's that?


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[Assistant] You know, can't eat orange malt with the little rotten chiclet teeth. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Alright, this one's full of shit. One in every four Americans has appeared on television. Full fucking shit. You know what? These facts are fucking awful shit. What does that mean? That's a lot of people, man. There's no fucking way. Well, maybe. Maybe in the backgrounds of shots and things.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, sounds right. 350 million, something like that. One in four. You're talking.


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[Assistant] You're talking almost a hundred million people have been on TV. It seems like a lot to me.


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[Assistant] That seems fucked. But then they have other things, 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows. That sounds right.


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[Assistant] How the fuck do they know that though? Who's counting them? That's an easy calculation. I had a good one.


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[Assistant] What? How many did you say? 10,000 birds a year. That should be good.


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[Assistant] 10,000 birds a year die. In the world? In the world. That's not even fucking close. There's 200,000 or 20,000 in Nova Scotia alone. Minimum.


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[Assistant] No, but you're correct when you said, I'm assuming. That's where the fucking airs come in. Yeah. This is just...


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[Assistant] Flying by the seat of my cock here, I mean, simple math tells me that's fucking way wrong.


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[Assistant] Okay, but say that- How many houses in the world? More than 10,000. You're just telling me that not one bird hits a house once a year, minimum. Every house doesn't get hit with a fucking bird, Ricky.


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[Assistant] There is more than 10,000 homes in the world, of course there is. What about glass houses? I bet it's fucking...


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[Assistant] I thought there was much better shit here, man. Hey Ricky, how many times do you think your heart beats in a day? Oh, here we go. This is easy. It's easy. 60 times a minute.


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[Assistant] I got it this far and I can't quite take it to the last stage. What's the last part you need?


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[Assistant] I forget where I was, so seconds to a minute to minutes to an hour.


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[Assistant] P.V.R. the motherfuckers and watch them at night as well. So what? Record them. Okay?


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[Assistant] Hey, we're gonna bring in new teleology and we're gonna fuckin' get rid of the old so people that have all the fuckin' VCRs are fucked!


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[Assistant] Your whole knowledge on how to blow things up came from Bugs Bunny? A lot of it, yeaah. I love that show.


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[Assistant] Why are you calling him an asshole? You really didn't like him, did you? I fucking hate it, Mr. Magoo. Why? Because... I just hate him. Leave it alone.


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[Assistant] People used to call me that at school, Mr. Magoo. Mr. Magoo, and I'd be like, eh, fuck you. Oh man, I didn't know that. Mr. Magoo, I don't even look like Mr. Magoo. Well, he kinda has his chin. It's kinda like that. Which I'm not saying, I think it looks good, man.


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[Assistant] Sun. Is what? Three times larger than the earth. Ricky, it's fuck of a lot more than that. Oh, yeah, I know. It's a lot more than that. 330,000, 330 times larger. Wow. That's a lot. That sounds about right. I can't even wrap my head around that. So.


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[Assistant] I could tell you some facts of, you know, space that would blow your mind, Ricky. Yeah. But just, I'm talking about county things. Space and all county things, I'll give you some.


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[Assistant] Some time facts that'll blow your mind. Don't need to. People don't want to hear this shit, man. Well, this is one I bet you a lot of people don't know. What? You know the difference between a million and a billion, Ricky? Yeah. Zeros.


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[Assistant] No, but do you know how much more a million is, a billion is than a million?


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[Assistant] That's actually probably pretty fucking close if you worked it out. He still doesn't understand. No, Ricky, I meant I was gonna tell you- Okay, tell me. Oh, fuck, sorry little buddy. If you were to count to a million, how long do you think it would take you? Well, let's just see.


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[Assistant] I wanna figure that out on this machine. Well Ricky, you wouldn't. Well you could. You could say a number, how many numbers a second? One?


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[Assistant] How much is a million? Million's 12 days, so a billion. How many days?


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[Assistant] Ricky's in the fucking smart house. No, you're not, Ricky. A billion seconds to let a billion seconds roll off takes 34 years. Shut your fucking, fucking mouth.