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[Assistant] Don't trust your fate. Run. Don't trust the Almighty. Run. Get out of here. This is crazy. This is madness. But here is this vision walking out of the darkness saying, accept it. Move through it. You're gonna be okay.


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[Assistant] Cause you're already dead, brother. It just all led up to that one moment, and I think it was a moment that served.


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[Assistant] The series and I'm very happy it served it in the way that it did and my family members that were all in the service were proud of it.


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[Assistant] It's quite simple. You just cut away all the fat. You just render it. You get rid of all the fat. And so that's like every day you run it through your mind and you sit there and you say...


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[Assistant] Yeaah, sometimes that's why I think he was a deeply spiritual man because when you get to the end of yourself and know who you really are, there's not much to prove. There's just do the job at hand and serve others.


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[Assistant] Any moment you might have to order them to their own demise. So as a commanding officer, you have to maintain that. I think he also knew that the mystery is very powerful. Like when he says,


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[Assistant] So to maintain the mystery, it's a natural energy to help get the job done. So when the men are afraid of you, he realized, oh, I can use this and we can end the war as quickly as possible and I can do by part and making that happen.


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[Assistant] Not for me, no. I remember the cigarettes being an act of mercy. It was like an act of grace.


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[Assistant] And so for me it was like, we gotta solve this situation here. As I imagined what it would be like for Spears had he actually done that.


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[Assistant] And so, giving the cigarettes was a proper distraction from their fate. So, for me, playing straight, active grace, here. Cigarette, cigarette.


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[Assistant] And then keeping it with nothing on it was the way to approach it. Did he do that? I don't know. I think that the series ultimately presented it correctly where they leave it up to the observer, to the audience.


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[Assistant] There was so much going on. There was dead horses everywhere. All kinds of activity. It was like a city of activity. So in between takes, the producers, they're already on to the next scene. So yeah, it wasn't like that at all. So it's really within you. The performance or what's going to happen is just within me. And then the camera's there and it catches it.


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[Assistant] As soon as that camera stops rolling, it's just madness. It's crazy. Like, do we have this? Are we gonna get this?


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[Assistant] I don't think he had a death wish at all. I think he was just accepting that he was already dead. It's very simple. And getting the job done. When he had to run through and connect with iCompany, it was a matter of necessity.


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[Assistant] And so to wait and hesitate would narrow your odds. You know, he was a numbers guy. He studied accounting, so he probably played the odds very quickly. Hey, if I run straight through the German line.


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[Assistant] They're not going to be expecting it, and that's my best chance to reach iCompany. That's what's needed.


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[Assistant] Don't hesitate, move. And suddenly you come back, because they definitely won't expect you to come back.


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[Assistant] Gonna slink down and see if something else will save them and make it happen.


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[Assistant] But when you let go of that and you say, no, let's just do what needs to be done. There you go. No death wish, but you could die anyway, so we got to get the job done.


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[Assistant] Grabbed a can of petrol and off we went. It was the sense that having great respect for my uncles and other people that actually did this.


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[Assistant] And realizing I'm an actor, it wasn't a lack of respect for myself or the job or what it represented. I wanted to make the statement that I can't fill the boots. So for some reason at that point in my life, at that age, I thought that was important to make the statement.


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[Assistant] I remember talking to One Long McClung and Spears together at a hotel in Paris. And I think One Long and Shifty knew that Spears was worried about that. And so One Long offered a story about him. He shot down an aircraft and it turned out to be a British aircraft. So if that's true.


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[Assistant] There was one lung willing to share that story to maybe show camaraderie with Spears. He was trying to say, you're not alone.


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[Assistant] Okay, so yes, that was incredible. I was sat next to Spears and winners. And there was enough light.


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[Assistant] To just see their faces looking up at the screen at the jump into Normandy.


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[Assistant] They were there again. There was an intensity. It was almost like there was this element of disbelief in them. Seeing the screen.


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[Assistant] And then a re-witness of what an amazing feat they had been a part of. Oh my god, we really did that. Yeaah, it was incredible to sit there next to them in awe. Like a fly on the wall to be able to see.


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[Assistant] They're reckoning. It's awe-inspiring. In that initial premiere episode, there wasn't a lot of my work there, but they showed some excerpts from each episode and one of them was Blythe and myself. It made me feel humbled. Spears, was he over the moon with my performance? I don't know. I know that when we saw him a second time in Arizona, cause uh, Bull Randleman and Muck wanted to go by his house, we just kind of.


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[Assistant] That's exactly what happened. Maybe it was my idea. I was like, hey, let's just go see him. It was Muck, Randleman, and Malak, it was the four of us. Oh, the cast wanted to meet this legend. So they're like, sure. How did he handle it? He was gracious, opened the door, made us tea, you know. We talked for a few minutes, didn't talk about it.


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[Assistant] But I think it was interesting for him to see these young actors in awe of him. Here are these random people in my home, but that's okay. Let them in.


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[Assistant] Quiet you down. That'll humble anyone. You start realizing some of the things you didn't know as a youth, and that settles you.


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[Assistant] He was an accepting man, you said, who tried to move on with his life. Accepting in the sense that accepting your fate.


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[Assistant] And that carried all the way through his life. So, that's the sense that I got. Oscar Wilde used to say, you best know a person by the quality of feeling you're left with after they left your presence. It's a vibration you get from somebody, yeaah.


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[Assistant] The nobility of the cause, because of the representation of selflessness in the face of the gravest situation. It's a pinnacle of what man can do for other men. And it's something that we hopefully won't ever have to do again. I don't want war to be a part of life.


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[Assistant] It is. And so, when it is, you have to behave with grace. And I think graciousness is bravery. It demonstrates you're not relying on yourself. You have to believe. You have to have faith.


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[Assistant] That whatever happens is meant to be. It's all part of the plan. A divine plan. And I believe in the divine plan. I'm a man of faith.


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[Assistant] And so I think these men, obviously, were men of faith.


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[Assistant] I would say the biggest lesson is learning to trust how things are going to go out and not fear.


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[Assistant] Trust yourself. You see that represented in the character as it's portrayed. You see that in all the moves that some might say, oh, that's cowboy, that's garish, that's thoughtless, or that's death wish. So if his faith, which may have seemed reckless to others, was a matter of in the moment, the spirit moved and said, hey, cross the town.


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[Assistant] Without thinking. Don't think about your own life. Don't think about your own risk.


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[Assistant] Get the job done, go communicate with iCompany and then come back without thinking because you don't have time to think and if you take the time to think, then it won't work.


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[Assistant] Move. Look at the result. Look at the outcome. They won Foy. They maintained Bastogne. They got the presidential citation. They won the war.


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[Assistant] Thank you so much for having me. I'm honored to be here. Thank you, Raj.


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[Assistant] Me and the fucking boys, dude, lost. Damn. Lost to.


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[Assistant] Why you keep sayin' that caperhead shit, man? I honestly didn't even wanna do this shit. I don't fuckin' do interviews. You heard, you already told me you looked me up. I'm walkin' out on bullshit.


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[Assistant] I had an early call the next morning one night after five nights of drinking with him. I'm leaving.


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[Assistant] And I said, I gotta go. I have to shoot in two hours. And Bill says, I fought the fucking Germans on no sleep.


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[Assistant] Well, I don't know if they wanted me to play Spears, but they definitely asked me to audition for Spears. I went in alone in a room with Tom Hanks.


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[Assistant] Auditioning for Spears and I'm literally playing the sequence in Foy where he runs across the German lines. And you know, I'm trying to play this in an audition for Tom Hanks. I was running around his office and jumped behind a chair, a big leather recliner, if I recall, peeking out around the corner delivering my dialogue.


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[Assistant] When we're honest with ourselves, we can really identify.


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[Assistant] Whether we were our best or not. And I think I did a good audition as Spears, but I don't know that I was one million percent committed.


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[Assistant] Even though I jumped behind that recliner, I don't know that I was a thousand percent committed to getting behind that recliner and someone with.


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[Assistant] The acting ability and directing ability of Tom Hanks is gonna pick up on that. They're just gonna sense it.


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[Assistant] And he may have sensed something about me in our conversation before the audition and then coupled with the audition. I didn't feel like I got the part of Spears that day. I'll just put it to you that way. I didn't think I was good enough to play that part, but I think he picked up on something about me.


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[Assistant] That people who are at the top of their craft and field do. A great CEO of a company will look at an employee and say, you know what? I need you to be climbing this ladder because there's something about you. There's something in you. He just identified something in me that had more of the sensibilities of Lipton in that audition.


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[Assistant] I prepared for days on this three page monologue essentially of Lipton. I think Winters, who Rick Schroeder was reading for, had about three lines back to me and I just went on this sort of tear.


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[Assistant] About Lieutenant Ike in the monologue. So when I got there, they said, Hey, by the way, they want you to read a couple of scenes as Joe Toy. I was like, Oh, okay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Raj, this is, this gets crazy. I assume they probably really liked me for the series in some capacity. And if I fumbled Lipton, maybe they could make it work as toy. And I actually did okay reading the Joe toy parts. I wasn't there for that. I was there that day, fully prepared and incredibly confident.


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[Assistant] That I was the right guy to play Lipton. I had prepared so much for that audition and when I walked into the room,


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[Assistant] There was a VHS handheld camera on a tripod. Tom Hanks was there and Steven Spielberg, of course, and he literally took the camera off the tripod and


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[Assistant] It was basically like my coverage in a scene. It was as if Rick Schroeder, they were shooting over him onto me. So you didn't even really see him in the shots. Now in my mind that told me he was already cast as Winters.


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[Assistant] I was like, okay, well he must already have his part, so they're just focusing on me in this particular read through of the scenes.


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[Assistant] Rarely do you train, train, train and plan and have a whole concept of what you're going to do. And it actually goes completely.


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[Assistant] The way you planned. It all comes to fruition exactly as you'd hoped. In that audition, it did. And to get that response from Spielberg and Hanks, I was very proud.


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[Assistant] Not only had I read the book, I'd also watched a compilation of the interviews of the men as well. So we'd seen who they are, heard the stories of them and held them.


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[Assistant] Okay, now Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg gave me the job, but this is the real guy. What if he doesn't like me? What if it doesn't click when he's this hero from World War II and he thinks I'm some schmo, you know, like that's not going to be good.


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[Assistant] But fortunately we hit it off. He kept saying, everyone says my grandson looks like you, that he's a young Donnie Wahlberg. And I was like, man, I didn't even know he would know who I am.


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[Assistant] The first word that comes to mind is grace. He is incredibly gracious human being, a real gentleman, but beneath his humility, there was a really


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[Assistant] Driven man, reading him on paper, he sounded very humble, very unassuming. But when I got to know him personally, I definitely discovered very competitive. We learn in World War II, soldiers


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[Assistant] Didn't hate each other. They understood that they each had to do what they had to do and they're sort of a mutual respect. Lipton had that same respect, but he also was very competitive. He said to me one day, I know those soldiers were well trained and so was I.


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[Assistant] And I wanted to prove that I was the best and I wanted to serve with the best. Everything about him wanted to be top notch and I.


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[Assistant] Got to know him those early conversations and told him I'll reach out as we get closer to go to England to start shooting. And when I got there, I was alone basically for.


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[Assistant] What, 11 months in my flat. Kirk Acevedo was living upstairs from me and Michael Kudlitz was living downstairs. We had a three stacked apartment. So I had those guys and got incredibly close with them.


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[Assistant] A lot of times when it came to the actual work, I just turned to Carwood. That's who I spoke to. Sometimes I would call about a specific scene and ask his opinion or his advice. Sometimes I would call and we would just talk. I remember one time I called and his wife answered the phone and


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[Assistant] She'd say, oh, hold on, Donnie, let me get him. He's working on the house right now. He was always active and he was 80 years old at the time.


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[Assistant] And you know, I'm holding and I'm holding and I'm holding and he'd come down and go, hello, Donnie. And I said, how are you, sir? He said, Oh swell. I just climbed down from the roof. I was like, what are you doing on your roof? He's like, we needed some repairs. So I just climbed up there and started doing them. And I remember him telling me.


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[Assistant] I said, man, what was it like in baston? Like how much sleep did you get? He said, well, we didn't sleep much, maybe a couple hours here and there. He said, but.


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[Assistant] I still only sleep three hours a night. And I said, what? He said, yeah, I only sleep three hours a night. I said, well, is that because you're trained from the war that you just learned to do that, to get by on no sleep? He said, no. He said, I just love life so much. I don't want to sleep through it. I don't want to miss out on anything.


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[Assistant] That's an 80 year old man telling me he only wants to sleep three hours a night.


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[Assistant] Because A, it's all he needs, but more importantly, because he loves life so much, he wants to enjoy it all. I mean, it's amazing.


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[Assistant] I would oftentimes call him and talk about what the scene was and see if he had a recollection of.


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[Assistant] Something similar and he would often times say yes.


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[Assistant] It was originally written that Lipton was hammering a cross into the ground and I called Lipton about it and he said, you know,


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[Assistant] That just would never happen. That just wouldn't happen. He said there aren't a lot of things that bother us about movies, but.


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[Assistant] Those things bother us. And I said, what do you mean? He said, because you're in combat, you're too worried about an attack or a counter attack. There's no time to have a memorial in the middle of the woods for your friend. He said, now that's part of the tragedy of war as well is because when your friends


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[Assistant] Get killed, your first instinct is relief that it wasn't you. And then you have to live with the guilt and shame of that when you have time to relax.


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[Assistant] He said, but what you can't do is sit there putting crosses in the ground and everyone's standing around. He says, just not realistic. The Germans are just 50, a hundred yards away shooting mortars at us. There's no time for that. I told the director at the time, David Frankel, and I love David Frankel. So there's no slight on him. And I said, listen, we're not doing that.


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[Assistant] We're not doing that moment of silence. We're not doing it. And he was like, what do you mean we're not doing it? And I'm sure he had responsibilities and had things planned out that he wanted to shoot. And I said, we're not doing it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I said, you know, I understand for you guys here shooting, it's hard to keep getting notes from the veterans through the actors, but this one, I'm not budging on it because he wouldn't budge on it. He told me this is the only time he's ever said, no, no, don't do that.


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[Assistant] It's not that I tried to play it, I think again, kudos to Tom Hanks for finding something in me that...


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[Assistant] Resonated as what we thought of Carwood Lipton. So when bootcamp started we had.


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[Assistant] Real life military guys who were training us under Dale Die. So our guy was Sergeant E, Sergeant Edmondson, and he was a ranger in real life. He to me was the epitome of Lipton. If I could find a modern day version of who I could model


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[Assistant] Lipton after it be him. And I watched Sergeant E during bootcamp. That was like my real life reference. I would watch him and say, he is doing the things that.


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[Assistant] You would imagine Lipton doing. He was that guy, quiet, humble, but alert, always paying attention. You could tell he was ultra competitive. The different actors were in different platoons and we were first platoon and he wanted our platoon to be the best. I remember at the end of the first day.


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[Assistant] He said, all right, step up front. You're going to lead the platoon and march us here and then march us there. And then we're going to do this. And I was like, wow, I'm going to do it. He was like, yep, go ahead.


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[Assistant] And from the first day of bootcamp, I was basically that. And I did find myself at times not...


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[Assistant] Trying to emulate what I thought Lipton would be like, but just doing


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[Assistant] Playing Sobel and I didn't act like his enemy because the guys didn't like Captain Sobel. I actually was helpful to David. He'd hurt his leg a little bit and I was like, hey man.


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[Assistant] Guys are all fighting over the bath. Why don't you go first? Why don't you go and take care of yourself first and get all sorted out and I'll get the guys organized for who can go in and do what when. And I don't know why I did that. Maybe I was inspired by Lipton, but I think it's also just kind of what I do. Even in my band, I don't call myself the leader of the new kids on the block, but I'm certainly


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[Assistant] I guess I am the leader of New Kids on the Block. I do all those things that I would think a good first sergeant would do.


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[Assistant] Dale Dye and those guys, they went full on. And there was a moment in bootcamp where guys started getting injured and Dale Dye


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[Assistant] was told from the production that you gotta go easier on the guys and slow down. And he challenged us one morning for anyone who was hurt to step out of line. And he said, if you have a cold, a cracked fingernail, if your feelings are hurt,


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[Assistant] Get out of the formation and step forward. There's no trouble. Just do it. And he set this all up and I'm in the front of my platoon and I'm grumbling under my breath. Nobody step out of line. Nobody step out from behind me. Nobody, you know, and I was trying to like send telepathy to everyone. We didn't want to quit. I didn't want my platoon to quit.


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[Assistant] We just took the challenge. Also what happened is Dale Dye was like, these guys are all in.


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[Assistant] So we're not gonna use trailers for the actors. If we're shooting in the woods for 16 hours, they're gonna sit in mud puddles for 16 hours. And that's what we were doing. And that was a little extreme as well. So I think at some point,


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[Assistant] Much like the non-commissioned officers went to Colonel Sink to tell him about Captain Sobol not being up to the task.


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[Assistant] Myself and Frank John Hughes and Michael Kudlitz, we sort of became the de facto leaders. We went to Dale Dye and said,


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[Assistant] I was like, Captain Dye, we know some of the guys are going to start breaking down. Dale Dye was understanding and cooperative. He got us access to our trailers. Now guys didn't always go to their trailers. Guys still like to be out in the woods. When summertime came along, everybody would just sit on set and smoke cigarettes and share candy bars or rations.


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[Assistant] When it's 20 degrees outside, guys need to go somewhere warm. There was a point where honoring the men didn't necessarily mean catching pneumonia out in a field in England. It meant being able to do the best job you could do when the camera's on and really represent them the right way.


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[Assistant] Oh my gosh. My lower back and my upper back. Man that pack. Woof.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we all called each other the names. That wasn't us. That wasn't me making an active choice. That was Dale Dye and his training methods. We were our rank.


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[Assistant] And our character's name from day one and we were never called anything else. I never heard Dale die. I think the first time he called me Donnie was in email a couple of years after Band of Brothers was finished. I never heard him refer to me that way. I still call Michael Cutlet's bull like I don't.


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[Assistant] Before that scene where Lipton goes to Winters to tell him that he doesn't think Lieutenant Dyke is up to par.


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[Assistant] That this is the second time he risked his life to call out.


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[Assistant] Leadership that he didn't think was adequate in the first episode of the series when the non commissioned officers.


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[Assistant] Decide they can't trust Captain Sobel. Him and the other non-commissioned officers risk their lives.


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[Assistant] Because he questioned the quality of that leader. This guy will run through a wall for the men of easy company and for the better leaders. And he has the utmost spectrum, but when he doesn't, he's challenging it. So here we are in episode seven.


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[Assistant] And I'm gonna shoot the scene I called Lipton and I pointed out to him.


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[Assistant] He said, I never connected those two things. And I said, but it's two times you did it. Doing it one time almost got you.


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[Assistant] Put in front of the firing squad in bootcamp, but you did it again in combat.


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[Assistant] And he said, I just thought of them as two separate situations. I never correlated the two things. And I said,


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[Assistant] On paper, they look very similar. He said, you're right. And the conversation went a little bit deeper. I asked him, did you agree with winter's not removing dyke?


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[Assistant] So that's a very biting question. I said then I'll retract the question and we don't have to talk about it. What is said in the book and what's said in the script is that he still respected Winter's leadership so much that he didn't question that.


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[Assistant] That shows how much respect he had for winters.


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[Assistant] You know, but a good leader does have to know when to follow and you have to know when to swallow your pride and fall in line. A good leader knows when someone else has a great idea and they'll adopt it and they'll take it on and they'll trust it. No one's a great leader because they know every single thing better than everyone else. A good director, for example, is a manager of great ideas.


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[Assistant] I never saw Steven Spielberg walking around saying, I'm the genius who did all this. It was like, no, you actors are doing this and the men of easy company are responsible for this. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't be here. And good leaders are exceptional followers.


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[Assistant] Improvisation that I had come up with.


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[Assistant] In the show, so it's not true to the story, but I thought the concept of it captured Carwood Lipton good. I'd noticed in all the scripts that there was a running thing that kind of disappeared and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was that malarkey wanted to find a Luger. So here we are at the breaking point episode and.


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[Assistant] Hoobler had found a Luger and accidentally shot himself with it. He bled out and died. At the end of that scene, I ended up with the Luger in my hand.


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[Assistant] And I went to Graham Yoes, the writer of the Breaking Point episode. There's a scene where.


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[Assistant] What if Malkin Pankala get hit by a mortar and Malarkey's devastated? And I said, you know, we never really answered whether or not he found a Luger. And I know it's historical and it may not be true, but what if Lipton hands the Luger off to Malarkey?


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[Assistant] Just as a reminder, hey, it's not so much about the gun itself, but it was more symbolic in the scene to say you have something to live for and to keep fighting for.


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[Assistant] The stress and the conditions, they're really...


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[Assistant] Hard to imagine what it took for all those men to get through this and not only that, for the leaders of these men to step up and continually


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[Assistant] Put morale first, to put each other first. There was definitely a quiet strength about him. That love of life that he talked about.


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[Assistant] When he was 80 years old, that was always there with him. It's hard to imagine somebody


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[Assistant] Finding gratitude in the midst of something like the battle of the bulge, being grateful and feeling the gratitude, right? It's one thing to say I'm grateful to be alive today, but it's another thing to live with that gratitude and to go make the most of that day. As something about him saying when he was 80 years old, how much he loved life.


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[Assistant] I wanna preface this story by saying David Frankel is my favorite director from Band of Brothers. I love David Frankel and I'd say this would no ill intent to any of the other directors, but I really


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[Assistant] I felt like I was working with a collaborator the whole time. As an actor, I felt like, wow, what a great director. He listened to the notes that I would give from Lipton. When we were shooting the scene of Lipton walking up the hill with Foy burning in the background, it was suggested that I take off my helmet.


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[Assistant] And I say me take off my helmet because that definitely would have been a Donnie choice, right? As an actor. I was like, I don't know about this. And Dale Dye was passing by and I started to ask him the question and he said, don't do it.


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[Assistant] And uh, you know, under his breath. Don't take off that helmet. Don't take off your helmet. I spoke to Lipton that night after shooting the scene. Said, you know, there was a moment where the director talked to me about taking off my helmet. He stopped me. He interrupted and said, well, why would you do that?


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[Assistant] I said, what do you mean? He said, why would you ever take your helmet off in combat? I said, well, I didn't. He said, well, you wouldn't said you'd be waiting for a counter attack. There was no time to relax just cause you took that town. You'd immediately expect them to regroup and counter attack. I just was like.


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[Assistant] Big sigh of relief. Play the truth. Play the truth. Yeah, because you know, what a disappointment it would have been for me.


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[Assistant] To let him down the same way the men of easy company didn't want to let each other down. That's how we felt. Every time they said action, every time the cameras rolled and it was your time to be on screen.


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[Assistant] There was this sense of I didn't want to let easy company down and every guy felt that.


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[Assistant] Just reading the first few lines, almost practicing and getting a mic level and I did it very flat and straightforward and Tom Hanks was listening.


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[Assistant] And he said, that's how I want you to do it. That sounds perfect. I don't want emotion. I don't want acting. I just want you to read it. I just want you to talk, just talk right in my ear and tell me the story without animation. That's what I did.


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[Assistant] The confirmation and affirmation I got from him was never verbal.


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[Assistant] Just in the way he looked when we would be together. His smile, the way he looked at me. I could feel his respect for me and his appreciation.


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[Assistant] So clearly that he didn't have to verbalize it. There was just a sense when we got together.


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[Assistant] And when we spoke after the series was complete, I don't know how to describe it. And whereas I'm getting a little emotional, so forgive me, but it's, um.


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[Assistant] At a premiere or walk down a red carpet or take a picture together, I knew he was happy with the job that I'd done.


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[Assistant] We could never duplicate what they did. We could never.


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[Assistant] Properly represent what they went through and what that feels like from the simplest.


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[Assistant] But I also know that what we were able to do


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[Assistant] He was very happy with and I know from the first time I met him to the last time that a relationship had been built and a fondness had developed and a respect was there. That made me more proud than anything. He didn't have to say anything.


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[Assistant] It resonates with me today. I certainly adopted, uh, his credo who needs sleep. I want to see all that life has to offer and I don't want to sleep through it all. But also his


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[Assistant] Approach to leadership helps me to this day. With my band, for example, I lead much the way.


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[Assistant] I imagine he led, being able to adapt and to adjust and to listen.


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[Assistant] And I've learned there's a different way to approach each one of them, much the way that


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[Assistant] Lipton approached Malarkey, helping him get through things after he lost his friends or how he would have approached Winters or Dyke each.


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[Assistant] Individuals who have feelings and thoughts and opinions who have to do things that they don't always want to do.


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[Assistant] To motivate other people, I have to be that humble, willing to put myself out there first person that Lipton was.


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[Assistant] I know again, we're not the real men of easy company and our lives were never in danger. There were no bullets flying past us, but you know, those times.


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[Assistant] Looking across the field at a guy, he might be laying down, taking a nap on his backpack and just wake up and make eye contact with you. And just knowing that we're all in this together, it's a great feeling. It's why so many of us are still friends to this day. We didn't do what those men did. God knows.


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[Assistant] We would ever have been able to do what those men did or even come close, but the blessing we had of being able to represent them.


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[Assistant] Bonded us, the cast and the actors.


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[Assistant] In a way that is as close as we could ever feel to being those guys.


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[Assistant] Zoa Energy, our favorite better for you energy drink, has launched a new campaign. Have you seen it? It's packing lots of...


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[Assistant] Anyone can have BDE. Not just the dudes. Ladies! You know, Danny Garcia, one of the ZOA's founder, a woman, she's got BDE. My neighbor, this older woman across the street, I gave her a ZOA. She went from no BDE to a lot of BDE.


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[Assistant] I've never had a footlong. I've never had a Drake. I don't know how we got tricked into, like, a footlong sandwich is so much food.


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[Assistant] Jersey mics. Well then yea, I go chips. But you go, I go chips with a footlong


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[Assistant] I feel the same way. I'm like, I got this watch. I'm going to, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to gift this to my boy or like I, now I got to get two more.


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[Assistant] Was he getting, uhm, what you got plus HALODIMERS?


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[Assistant] The only Rolexes I'm interested in now, like the couple that I'm like, ooh, those are fuckin' sick. They're so expensive. I bet. They're three times the cost of what I have already. I have a feeling they're all very expensive.


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[Assistant] Yeah, just recently there was a video of when he was on, he went on TRL at the same time as Eminem and Eminem was like, oh, it's really cool to be here. All of us together feels like we're just one big happy funky bunch. Yeah. Oh yeah, they had beef. Wahlberg is like,


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[Assistant] I mean it was like a sly little dig and he'd already probably rapped about how whack white rappers were before him kind of thing.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna skip ahead. Tribe already sampled it, but okay.


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[Assistant] Funky was cool. Bunch? That's rough. Bunch is weird.


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[Assistant] Do you guys, do you guys ever play the slots or do you understand?


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[Assistant] I don't understand the draw. I don't know what people are doing. Is it that they're the cheapest thing?


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[Assistant] So the drinks are free this week? They're free now?


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[Assistant] And did they think maybe like, well you brought us out here, like what were we here for?


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[Assistant] Sounds like you got way owed. I've never pissed my pants drunk, but I did have like the flu one time and was in bed and just sharted the sheets.


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[Assistant] You've done that? No, I've never done that, but I have friends who were like, oh, and don't step there, and I'm like, cause what? I'm like, I pissed right there, and you're like...


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[Assistant] Uhm, like you, like he knew he shouldn't sleep in someone's bed, he would sleep on like the floor. Oh wow.


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[Assistant] That's hot. Like dirty laundry? No, maybe, I guess maybe it was, but if it's late and I have like new laundry and I just am too tired to fold it and I throw it on the bed, I kinda like the coziness of like


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[Assistant] Being enveloped by a bunch of other socks and clothes and shit. I do too. It feels good. I like to lay in lots of materials. Like a big towel, just put a little hand on the towel.


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[Assistant] Right? So maybe, maybe spill some-


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[Assistant] Yes, there was a race, there was a race between a couple brands to bring the Pop Tart to market. And it was like, Kellogg needed to do it first. Like, I wanna say they both had the same idea, but it was about bringing it to market. Uh, Hodges, Hodges sent us a link that will for sure, uh, negate what I just said.


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[Assistant] It might have been Bobby Moynihan. Or Christian Slater. It was kind of like a goofy assistant type guy. Got you. Or like second in command to like the important person. This is a huge cast. There's a lot of, I mean stars in this. Everybody wants to be part of it.


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[Assistant] I don't like cheese pizza. I go, oh, you like pepperoni? He goes, no, I get pizza without the cheese. That's how my family orders it.


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[Assistant] And I was like, we're in a whole nother level. He took the cheese off and he just eats the bread and the sauce. That is wild. I hate him.


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[Assistant] You're eating pizza pop tarts. Yeah, so Adam, what's your pop tart flavors? And then I would love to hear hot or cold. What the preference is.


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[Assistant] I will say, I did not eat a cold Pop-Tart until I think I went on some like camping trip and somebody, then the guides or whatever brought boxes of Pop-Tarts and I was like, how are we supposed to heat them? He's like, you don't have to heat Pop-Tarts and I ate it and I was like, oh legit, it's just like a cookie.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think I didn't heat Pop Tarts for years, but I will say when you circle back and you heat it,


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[Assistant] Are we there yet? Uhm. We are. We are. Did you guys ever do like, the breakfasts, the heat and eat breakfast sandwiches? What is that now? Heat and eat? Just like the Jimmy Dean's like, style breakfast sandwiches. I feel like that was more of my, uhm. Those are respectable.


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[Assistant] Everybody wanted a Luger was his answer. He was like, it wasn't just me, but his story is specific.


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[Assistant] I don't think he's angry. I think he's just kind of like, let's just, let's just set the table here and remind everybody that like it's because the emphasis on, on this business now is on the watches is on like,


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[Assistant] Who again, just every sentence he says is like the funniest thing I've ever heard. Right.


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[Assistant] Okay, so how's it going? Did you get headaches? Did you have withdrawal?


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[Assistant] And so when they say new hip, does that mean that they like coat? Cause it's like a ball and socket, right?


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[Assistant] Was it in the Mason, Freemason place? Yo, that place had- Oh, yeaah.


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[Assistant] A picture of her and my brothers and my dad at the like, what is it the fish market right there?


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[Assistant] And do you think the speedo- I was like, do you think the speedo should- should come off somehow?


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[Assistant] Dude, this dude's just fucking rubbing his hands on the shoreline like, I bet one of them comes off. Which, which one did you want to come off?


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[Assistant] Oh god. Kids, grab your go bags. This is it, the plan's in effect.


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[Assistant] It's unbelievable how funny he is about everything.


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[Assistant] This job, Adam's R2D2, Star Wars Jabba the Hutt porn video is, comes up very easily. Do not look at this.


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[Assistant] Oh, okay, I can see where that is confusing.


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[Assistant] Well, would you call a tiger's print or tiger's stripes in a leopards?


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[Assistant] What's that? What if, what if you did the like ultimate- Fuckin' his dick. Blake. The ultimate slap. The slap competition.


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[Assistant] Yeah, some of those, those ladies, smack the fuck out of each other. Right.


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[Assistant] And then as soon as one guy on the other team gets knocked out, that means the other team has an advantage. So by the end of the fight, it's four dudes just beating the fucking shit out of a fireman.


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[Assistant] Maybe it was the college, like, you're reminded of your college years, cause that's where all your furniture came from, and you're like,


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[Assistant] Oh, of course. Are you kidding me? Of course. Every morning is like clockwork.


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[Assistant] Fair enough, fair enough, and she is. Okay, alright.


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[Assistant] Oh yeah, he went Skrillex? That shit was hard, dude. I was like, what's on the menu this evening, sir?


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[Assistant] Yeah, this guy, it's either he went that way or he told him to give him some fuckin' Star Wars haircut, cause I know this bro is a Star Wars nerd, dude, to the unh.


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[Assistant] Adam, you said you're in Star Wars. I didn't see you. You're like, I'm in every episode, dude. I'm R2D2.


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[Assistant] Kyle's Java, Adam's R2-D2. Star Wars Jabba the Hutt porn video comes up very easily.


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[Assistant] No, not the top cock. I'm not trying to- Dude, that's- Is it the top cock or his muff? I don't wanna show either of those things.


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[Assistant] That was a really good one. That's a really good one.


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[Assistant] It's this man cave where all this dad's friends come over and all their dreams come true. They're like, dude, he got this new chair in his man cave.


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[Assistant] Huh. I appreciate that. Yeaah. I dunno. Just thought it was kind of a guys guys movie. Really? Really?


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[Assistant] Welcome to This Is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature. Today we talk about actually not letting him suck on my titty.


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[Assistant] And they're all so fucking hot.


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[Assistant] So we've been coming to Austin for a long time.


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[Assistant] Uh, we had, and then another, I think it was another South by Southwest, it was after the show had come out, and we threw this big ass house party on- That, yea, this was sick. Where, where was that house at?


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[Assistant] Well see, I wasn't there when we talked about this because I actually just saw a video of Ice Spice and I was like, who the fuck is this? Oh, this cartoon character. Dude, she's the pet.


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[Assistant] Get drunk on the river walk tonight. Okay. And then...


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[Assistant] Dude, I asked, my, my t-shirt was kinda fucked up, the other one I wore, so I asked, uh, them, I was like, can you give me a medium t-shirt? And then I put this on, and Durst goes, that's not doing you any favors.


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[Assistant] I just had Thanksgiving and, uh, my wife is from Louisiana. Okay. And there's, you know, it's not like super spicy, but a little spice, and my dad is super midwestern.


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[Assistant] But you grew up in Omaha, Nebraska, or Waterloo, Iowa, where my dad's from? Yeah.


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[Assistant] It was in my childhood bedroom and I was like convinced that my grandma was staring at me. And I loved it.


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[Assistant] Where's mine? Isaac, show your tits to the crowd. Your boobs are huge. Isaac!


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[Assistant] Okay, thank you. Texas mom 33 who pretended to be her 13 year old daughter at middle school where she recorded her day is found guilty of criminal trespass and sentenced to 6 months of probation.


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[Assistant] Okay, Hollywood. Okay. And then the, the like, uh, the reprimands were just some pretty bitch made. It was $700, fine.


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[Assistant] Okay, and then a hundred hours community service? Dude, you could get someone to fake ass sign off on that so quickly. Ian, did you say six months? Did it say-


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[Assistant] Uh, it showed Garcia tanning her skin and dyeing her hair to resemble her then 13 year old daughter before attending Anne M. Garcia Enrique's middle school.


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[Assistant] So here's the setup is that Blake and I dated roommates. Well, the setup is a story. Blake and I dated roommates and so we were always gone over at their house and our house that we shared in was a sad and lonely place.


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[Assistant] So Savino and Marisa. Okay. They asked Marisa. Adam and Ders, can you please recreate Sweet 16, I Love Y'all, that's what she says.


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[Assistant] You know, on Workaholics, we had to do everything, so it was like, a lot of us thinking. And on that show, uhm, on Pitch Perfect, I didn't have to do anything. Please just stop your thinking. I just shook my dick around and made a movie.


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[Assistant] So Ryan Ray asks, hola amigos, congrats Adam on becoming a father. What is the thing you look forward to the most? Punking my child and making him believe he had a dead older brother.


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[Assistant] Welcome to This Is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature. Today we talk about...


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[Assistant] Dude, that shit, that shit had to have been fuckin' wild. It was weird. It was, it was weird. One time I remember when I was a kid, this happened, this is real, I had a, we had a toy room. On Friday the 13th? It wasn't on Friday the 13th, but it has to do with bugs and fuckin', you know, hidden bugs.


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[Assistant] I left Rice Krispies, I left Rice Krispies out in the toy room, like my toy room, you know? And so the next day I went in there and I was like, okay, I'm gonna fucking grab a handful of Rice Krispies.


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[Assistant] Honestly, I don't remember, I think the Rice Krispies were better. You know?


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[Assistant] So you never cut your hair though, did you do the comb? Is that?


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[Assistant] I think Justin used to catch him at church camp. You don't remember that? He would catch him? Who's Justin? Friday the 13th? Yea, anyways.


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[Assistant] Yeah, for sure. I never rattled the cage of a teacher, no way man. I didn't do that. So...


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[Assistant] No, no, uh, yeaah. You really think, did you see the video? In this day and age?


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, I think we've talked about it on the pod, but I really...


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[Assistant] For me, you know, we've been doing comedy a long time, uhm, and just seeing- That's what you call this? Yeah, the chucks and the gigs.


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[Assistant] And just watching him tow the line of like interviewing true psychos and being like, wow, you were just, uh, unbelievable in there, I've never seen anything like that. Looking at the camera going like, you know what the fuck I mean. But them going like, thank you, Ryan Seacrest thinks, uh, he's never seen anything like me before.


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[Assistant] I feel like Dork, there was like a, like an ocean expo, an ocean expedition and like the fuckin' sailor guy in charge of it, everybody was drunk and they were like, woah, is that, so is that the whale's penis? He's like, yeah, that's his big ol' fuckin' dork. And they're like, dork? And he goes, yeah.


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[Assistant] Sure, and then the textbooks were written.


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[Assistant] I love it. I guarantee you that people are like, one time I beat up this steampunk chick. And that's not okay, guys.


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[Assistant] You know what's cool? I heard you, uhm, you told me that story, and then I was like, oh cool, and then the show came out, and there was zero references to us, it was mostly Louis references, so how'd that work out?


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[Assistant] A little too, it was called a horseless carriage.


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[Assistant] But like, it wasn't, you couldn't get high, but then everyone like all week long was like, dude I got super fucking high huffing that shit, can I get more? And then like some kid told the vice principal,


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[Assistant] Who, who was called The Flash. Who was a reverend on the weekend and a vice principal, uh, during the week that we were drug dealers and we got brought in and he was like, what is this shit? And we were like, it's, it's this thing, it's the toy fucking, it's not drugs. And he was like, don't give me that sir bullshit.


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[Assistant] Martin Luther King Day was a week. And it was like all day assembly after assembly after assembly and it was off the fucking chain.


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[Assistant] And wait, sorry, for somebody who never had a candle, what's a drip candle as opposed to just a candle?


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[Assistant] What are we giving to other countries? We're buying all their shit. It's a fair deal, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Have you ever gone to a city and already had the app?


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[Assistant] No, I sent them a link, I, I drove down here, uh, from, from LA, long drive, and you're just, you're scrolling, you're scrolling, you're looking in the discoveries, and I, I clicked on this, this account called like AI grandmas, and it's just like grandmas and bikinis that are like, they're like jacked grandmas.


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[Assistant] You look at one and you go, I can't believe that's not real. Then you look at two and you go, I can't believe I need to keep looking at this.


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[Assistant] Can I say this to the guy who asked the question? I know what you did there.


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[Assistant] Can I use that? Of course. Uhm, mine is for sure, without a doubt, forever going to be, the doctor said it's the size of a pozone. Which to me is the funniest.


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[Assistant] And we knew, we knew, we knew we had solid gold when we had him on, I think it was just background, then we gave him a line where we were like, uh, hey, just say you want string cheese in the break room. And he goes, got it. Rolling, lights, action. I want spring cheese.


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[Assistant] Rolling, action. I want spring cheese. And we go.


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[Assistant] Just fuckin' diarrhea'd on a waterslide. Hashtag crazy!


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[Assistant] But for sure, online gaming was like the first catfishing where it was like, dude, I don't know, I just met this dark elf girl and like we fucking, we just clicked and we're like legit married and you're like, and I'm meeting her tomorrow and then it's just like, you're at the airport and the dude's like, lay off, I'm


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[Assistant] Okay. What was your whole stance? I just, I liked drinking beer and that was about it. You did drink a lot of beer.


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[Assistant] He might have done a couple things, like he washed the car as well.


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[Assistant] That baby is gonna be, oh my god, looking at the moon!


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[Assistant] Adam Devine got his asshole removed. Always Sony's better, ya fuckface!


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[Assistant] He was like, nah, I know it's back, but uh, we'll go with the salad. We're good. We'll get a mint cafe and uh. We're good.


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[Assistant] The internet's only been around for like a couple decades. Yeah. So like- So we still have questions. Forever before that, there were just people, newspapers.


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[Assistant] Vin Diesel, you could just go, he's, he's not dead actually.


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[Assistant] I, I, yeah, the man with the, at the bar at Josie's. What you think, if he's walking around with those titties, he wants to be fondled. Right. You'd think so. And that's the kind of thinking that gets people in trouble when I realize that. It does. It doesn't matter what you think they think, you should be respectful and keep your hands to yourself. Yes.


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[Assistant] I love it. That's rough. I was like, you're right. But like, sorry. Looking back, that's the answer you want.


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[Assistant] Bye bitch. Woah, Blake left with the boob dude. You act like you'd be walking, he would carry you. See you guys!


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[Assistant] She's like, it's weird how excited you are to have milk shoot out of my titties. But I'm like, it's the coolest thing in the world.


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[Assistant] Well what comes out of your dig besides what two things are there?


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[Assistant] Wait, how did I never know? I didn't know that. I've known his grandma's name for years. Well, cause I spit out Arvella a lot because that's a kind of a weird name, but it's a cool one.


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[Assistant] When I told my mom, uh, that Chloe was pregnant, the first thing she said is she's like, should I be a grandmother or should I be a nana? Oh yea. Oh, I had a nana. I had a nana.


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[Assistant] Right. I love it. Dude, moms get like really like up in it, like I wanna choose my name, but the children choose your name for you.


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[Assistant] And they had my, I think it was my dad's idea, but they're like, they were all betting on the boxing match and they're like, let's just say that. And then there's also like a rooster fighting match in there.


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[Assistant] Uh, what was, I mean, so I guess if you're like an in-shape person or even a lean person, you wouldn't get offended if you called, someone called you fat doo-doo? Yeah. Cause you're like, alright, I'm not. What was this dude's body like, dude? Describe it for me. He was a little bit of a fat doo-doo? Yeah, he was kind of like a, shaped like Santa Claus, for sure.


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[Assistant] He's like the older- He was Mike Siever on Growing Pains and he was the fucking coolest dude ever. You are so old. And then he like kinda disappeared into like church movies, but then I saw like a clip of him the other day, super handsome still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, trying to be a writer, my friends were like, oh, go do improv. And I go, alright. So then I went to a couple like, open mic improvs at, uh, uh, uhm, The worst. At the second city. Yea, it was like, Basically a bunch of like, wannabes, and they're like, someone come on up, and you just go, ah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Gigi was Gertrude and Kit was Catherine, but she was also Mima.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I forget why we were here, but we're all in town together and we go to Gino's and we go to Pat's. And, uh, I remember that guy just tried to fight me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our school, it was a big thing for our school because we had the exact same layout as Columbine, like our high school. Like we were designed, or Columbine was like designed after our high school. So you had the schematics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the basement computer where like our TV was downstairs, I remember, I was like, the first time I like used the computer by myself and the website I went to, we talked about this on the podcast, was boobs.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why? I could just walk around and people would say hi to me. Dude do you remember going to the mall and like cruising for chicks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all my friends wouldn't go talk to- they were all like good looking people and uh, my little crippled ass was on crutches. So they would always send me over to be like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About pretzels. I feel like I've fallen way off my pretzel game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, for millennials, when we get old and we are in a retirement home, they need to turn all the old abandoned malls just into malls again and have all apartments and then you can just go to the food court, have an Orange Julius. I would love that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, they're like surprised to see you, they're like, oh, hey, uh. Right. Uh, we, we got one! Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a Nautica minivan for a while. Oh yea? That's pretty sick. Okay, that's kinda fuckin' hot. The Eddie Bauer one, you had that, didn't you have the Eddie Bauer? Yea, I flipped it on the freeway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Addicted. And then I found it, climbed out, it was raining, and I left my keys and my wallet and my, uh, phone inside. And ran 12 miles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A $140 Barclay Prime on Rittenhouse Square. Uh, dude, I love it. I love that if you just make something expensive, a rich asshole would be like, it has to be the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cheese is now Cooper Sharp. Okay. The darling of better cheesesteak shops everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Monopoly game. He's game this. Good job, guy. Okay, won it for second year in a row, and obviously the officials are like, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Catherine wants to know, of the four of you, whose poop would you eat? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just change the diaper no matter how bad it is, like, just take it away and take care of that. Because it's like, finite. Whereas like, when a baby's crying, you don't know when that shit's gonna stop. Totally. So like, just change the diaper and then it's over. Yup. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was your favorite Christmas gift as a kid, guys? Oh, I know mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, uh, I remember my mom said, I was like 9 or 10, and my mom was like, okay, you can finally have a BB gun. And my dad and my uncles, I got so many fucking BB guns. I got a BB gun rifle with a snipe on it. I got a scope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to This Is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature. Today we talk about... My dick's a little bit of an explorer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go. Start your engines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is none other than the legendary character Bill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that has to be on a scale of the most drunk when you fuck. Fucking on a boat on a lake has to be the most drunk fucking you ever did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, nothing where I had to get out of the car. I mean the one time that- What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The mom? I don't know dude, this gets too dark if we start to dive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's probably here in Arizona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else are you supposed to do when the big Jumbotron shows you cheating on someone? I think dipping out is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's in the dressing room, but I did, I took a walk to the stadium because I just wanted to see it. That's where I found out that it was so super hot here. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finish your thought, I'm so sorry, finish your thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sure. It isn't, did you guys, can you guys be really honest with me? Who? Do you guys? Us? You fellas, do you guys use body lotion? Have you ever used body lotion?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get it. We get it. We'll go. I like the Unabomber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the wildest fetish, I'm not kink shaming, but bro, when they stomp on the nuts,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I had to like go upstairs and explain to my mom what pornados were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to document it so then I can remember when I'm sober. Right. And tell everyone, maybe write a book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we, uh, we're driving, we're like, we finally figured it out. It was the pre having your phone and being able to figure it out. And we just got to a gas station and all the plates were Kansas. And we're like, huh. This doesn't seem right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On his body. And when I, this, we're 18 years old. And I go, oh, what is that for? Thinking California. And he goes, he goes, Cali-rotto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we should probably warn the audience that we all tested positive for COVID-19.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's barely seeable. Look at mine. Mine's very, very prominent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it, it was China and Six, right? Wasn't it, was it them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You asked for it. You wanted it. An accidental. You asked for it. You got it. You asked for it. This is my penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do not think he's disappointed at it. Alright. You wanna see it? You keep asking about it. I might as well show it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you're a grand old flag, you're a high flying flag, happy birthday America!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I really scrambled and I picked a frickin' classic tune.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] None other than the Czechoslovakian plant, the spy, Kyle Nuacek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And very possibly full, full-blooded Korean, who knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're such a savage, bro. This is the only card I carry. Hooters VIP, baby. That's the old one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, it's a, it's a tourist trap for sure. For sure, brother. Guys, wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sad. Sad. Sad. And there we go, so one down, one down. Kyle not coming, Ders down. My kids are in a parade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, absolutely. If there's one day to parade, it's the fourth. Get your parade on. And the whole month of June.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, get into it, fellas. This is what we're here for. This is important. No, this is uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fairly. My god, you hardly fit in the zoom screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. I backed off, I backed off that. Well guys, we don't have a lot of time to lollygag today because we have a lot of shit to cover. Like, there's a lot of products for us to push. There's some huge news stories we need to cover. Where should we begin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we saw it. We saw the movie. The movie is freaking awesome, dude. It's a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forgot, that's so great, I mean I go with-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, okay. So the porno had nothing to do. It wasn't a porno parody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey man, all I'm looking for is penetration. It didn't matter what it was. I'm just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. It wa- it just mal- the suckin' things. That's all I needed to see as a child. It was real hairy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a game changer. That is huge. Uh, I think my Rooker film was, uh, Guardians of the Galaxy, dude. He's like one of the main bros up in there. Yeah. He's like the arrow. Yondu. Yeah, he's the arrow guy he slays in that movie. Yeah, he does rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, dude, you know what, uh, your buddy, I mean, Jeff, friend of the pod, shout out Tater Salad, he was like saying, Rookers in mall rats, like going all the way back, I forgot that. Isn't everything, for me it's JFK.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why at the party he was, kept putting his legs behind his head on the dance floor. That was cool, dude. I missed it. Dang. I missed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you went M.I. You went M.I.A. Yeaah, when did this happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was- it wasn't a real tat that they were giving out, they were like- Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was, uh, uh, press-ons, yeah. They were press-ons. But that would have been fucking cool if by the end of the night you had someone- I just had a blink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We haven't done a cool movie like Suicide Squad where we all get like squad tattooed on our forearm, but as soon as we do that, oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was great. Nina's such a good vibe. She's a great person. She's a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it really was. And she, she, uh, Sean White was lucky enough to be her plus one. It was pretty cool kicking it with Sean White that night. It was star studded, dude. It was freaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lil Rel, he's hilarious in the movie as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's the co- and also on set he was the coolest guy, like so welcoming and just like- Super nice. Lovely to have a conversation with and then w- not weirdly but just out of nowhere as just best friends with George Clooney so you know he's just a freaking the coolest dude ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, can we go through this list? Yeah, let's go through the 14 million dollar friend list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ders, you have to drop a top ten favorite actors list because it's fucking bizarre and people need to look them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, come on, that- that's- yeah, he's cashed the fuck out. Total money lasts forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if it's that one friend where they're like, hey, all the 14 of us and then the 15th dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta tighten your circle. You need 14 billionaires as your homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they can figure it out. Dude, I'm down. I'll go down that road. I'll be the Clooney of our friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want rope shoes, whatever the fuck rope shoes are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm already thinking they sound pretty fucking cool, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ride that gravy train. I'll take some rope shoes. You can have it. You can have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and while you're on Netflix, maybe you also noticed that Season 2 of Is It Cake just came out. Okay, so I just saw you post about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it cake? The hit Netflix game show? Is it cake? Adam, come on, you're a company man. I know you know what is it cake is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for sure. It's a great idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it could be either, but I feel like either way, if your dick is in a cake, it's probably gonna feel similar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like a glory hole situation and you're like, okay, before I- Okay, and it's kind of set up to be on a plate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe that's what I'm thinking about. I think it might have happened in, uh, in Workaholics. It might have happened in Rising Sun as well. Yeah, we do it in Workaholics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, similar, uh, to that. That's, that's, that's pretty much the gist, but basically they have like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like one is a cake and it's the same item but it's not a cake and it's like we're like a hundred feet away and we have to guess which one is the real item and which one is the cake. Maybe even further. You're one hundred feet away?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's pretty far dude. I was, it's hard to tell because you're so far away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But still, it has like studio lights on it. It's hard to tell which one is cake. It truly is hard to tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's like three celebrity judges and then there's like uhm, I wanna say like ten bakers and then one gets kicked off every week, but it wasn't like that in the first season. I didn't know I was gonna have to be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, just that, uh, the cake looked like fucking shit. You just didn't like their vibe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it definitely wasn't a vibe thing, like the guy that we ended up kicking off, I felt... It was more of like they were talentless. Like they were talentless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it kind of looks like this guy who kind of looked like weird Al a little bit, so I was already pretty stoked on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, well, it was two against one, so I didn't want to kick the dude off, but I felt really bad. And looking back on it, he did not have the worst cake at all. This one girl made this shoe that I was like, I can't believe I voted that as like a real shoe. I felt like an idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there's one girl from- It's Emanuel Lewis, and- Yeah, it was Webster. It was, uh, it was this lady from Selling Sunset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this one hundred thousand million dollar crib a cake or not? Time to turn the knob and find out. I'm into it, dude. I think that would be cool. That's synergy right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, maybe, there's a lot of real estate to sell in Dubai, right? Cause they just, they just built the place, right? It's fair, it's fairly new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta have him sign something man, cause I can't be responsible. Speaking of buzz balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I usually bring a buzz ball biggie to every party I go as kind of like a goof, but you actually cracked the thing open and started to do damage to it. I'm impressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The crowd was pretty serious about tri- trivia. I feel like they didn't wanna like not have their wits about themselves, so. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I posted like a small clip where I say something really stupid, but uhm, yeah. I love it, I'm excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, people are so confused by it. I just thought everybody knew, is it cake? It was like a hit show last year, but- Well this is because- You still gotta put the title-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the last wave of stuff before we're all out of anything being produced, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this? What is this? I've never heard of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like the famous hunky. I do think it's possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, come on, you know I would be, aww, I would just be so- They'd go, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, that would be very- we gotta bring it to the states.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta bring it to the damn states. Bring it to Florida, baby. I want a Florida man competition. That would be sick. And then what was the other, uh, thing on the docket, Blakey? Yeah, what's on the not- what's on the docket?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yeah, eh, we, I mean, we got a lot, we got a lot, we got a lot as far as, uh, streaming goes. I know everybody, if you're not on the Tubi train, which you should be because it's one of the best free streamers. Of course we got, get yourself some Tubi. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Freak Brothers Season 2 Hot!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of like a under the table deal, where it's like, if I'm in, Durz has to be out. But, it was cool kicking you with that, uh, at the trivia night. That was really fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was one of the biggest deals that Kyle has worked for us. Evidently he went to another realm recently. Oh, thank god. He shook and rattled some cages in the nether universe that the wizards live in and guys, huge news TII, the wizards


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Album Purple Magic is back on Spotify, so give it a frickin' spin, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. They said if uh, you're gonna have Joe Rogan, you're not gonna have our catalog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm glad they hashed it out. Kyle, the Wizards, and Joe Rogan, which is, I would love to watch that roundtable. That's really-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think from the hip you could do that, no. Yeah, let's not get greedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell if I know what you're saying. Heavy, uh, heavy hitting questions over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what a cool way to go, I mean, hanging ten in Hawaii. That's the way he'd wanna go. I spent a minute since I've been to Hawaii.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happy birthday America. What a crazy wild ride. You are a crazy bitch, USA, but my goodness, if you haven't been, just a, just a fun place to live. I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it. I know. It's a great idea. Preaching to the choir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got the whistle tip for free, dude. Keep it. Yeah, but not a good, not a whoop whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah buddy, nice dude. We'll see. Tune in next week to find out if you did that. And while you're at it, watch The Outlaws in two days. Wait, it's the fourth, fifth, sixth. In three days, watch The Outlaws.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta wear my shoes. Is this animal or is this human? You shoulda told me to wear my shoes for cruise. God damn. That's human, that's human, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These all your cats? Damn, you remember that herbal? They're pretty damn clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got one of those buttplug tails in or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that the hot, is that the hot hot? Concept X and, and Lit AF, I believe have 300 milligrams of caffeine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that a cup of coffee is, I know a cup of coffee is like 70 or 80.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I took it once at like 10am and I was up til 4 in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Red Bulls? And if you were, if you're Munchin' a Red Bull, if you had that and it was, it had you just blasting off, why are you having Red Bull now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my, mine is an absolute yes. They are... Underrated. Underrated. Okay, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has you heard the word wharf before you went to the fisherman's wharf? Wharf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what that is. Irish, Irish coffee? Fisherman's coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Kyle, you said you were just there and it was fine? Yeah, what the hell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do the escape from Alcatraz, uh, triathlon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what we did. We would, we called it like the ghetto swim team and we would just swim in the fountain and fountain square with all the homeless people after school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I went to the actual swim team and I don't know what happened to my friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's all try and pronounce it. Adam, how do you think it goes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But on the flip, if you're somebody who reads a lot, not me, uhm, you mispronounce words because you've never heard them spoken sometimes, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, if you didn't hear, if you didn't hear what they said on like an Apple TV, like if you got your Apple TV and you're watching something, if you hold the Siri button, you say, what did he say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It rewinds 10 seconds or something. No. Maybe 15 turns on the subtitles for that amount of time. So you can hear it again and read it. And then it just keeps going without the subtitles. Whoa, dude. That's sick. Oh my.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Pornhub, get on that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bukkake had a moment though which is strange because it really has a, it's not around anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying it's gone, but I'm just saying it's not on the front of the page like it used to be. Doesn't have a place there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. What's his name? Sal. Used to talk about bukkake a lot. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you think it's the, you think it's just a different spelling for the, uh, English word cake. And then, and then the Japanese word for face is buu. Yeah, I bet it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you just said a brand and I just said something that is just an object. So what is your comparison?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, give me another one, Anders, and then we'll see what happens. That's true. That's true. So you think people say, in other languages, their words for Apple, for Apple computers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I will say, the ones that had the green


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The green metal part? Those are always questionable to me. Is that even a number two pencil?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well. Like, if I could be like- Like that, yeah, exactly. This is fun. This is fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I didn't even see him say that. It's for Scantrons. Wow, you guys need to get a room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's got the cap for the eraser. Oh my god. How much does that pencil cost?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's hell of a lot. And then you can just pull the eraser off and refill. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think at some point they were like, you know, we gotta save the trees. And then they were like, yeah, let's make all these plastic pencils to float in the ocean. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that makes sense. Hey, same here, if not years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, the, the, the slack is gone. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say the one thing, if you don't read the books though, you just can't shit talk the books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You actually shouldn't. You actually- It gets rough. But you can, but it just gets rough. It gets rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but there are, there are concepts. Yeah, but generally everything's the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But not all kids, you don't love all kids, cause there are different, some are different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my three are different than all the other kids. So you don't love one of them? You chose one not to love?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It flashes back. I'm spilling Topo Chico Margarita on myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, is this a cool move to in my desk drawer have this as my napkins?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so aggressive. Real quick, Chipotle, can we get those cards again? The like burrito cards?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, I'm saying like the card lasted a year though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drop a card down, left the card in the fucking credit card thingy. Like a fucking bonehead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My family was DiGiorno, his family was Delivery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're gonna make your own pizza, don't just buy the fucking thing fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? If they- But she's like, you teach him a lesson, you shit in the street, you get beat up, and I'm like, yeah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she got out of my car, went back two blocks, woah woah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back. The factors are good, dude. In two minutes you're eating some delicious factors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With, with like, with decently thick crust, but not really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think people understand, like younger people who didn't grow up with this, how insane it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of spelling, that is not how you spell Cincinnati.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa, people are, like we're all- It was the OG Ratchet platform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you say- I mean, dude, the like, when the MTV Beach, like, version of it, and those people, like, made up the whole thing and did get famous, that was a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nooo. No, I said Mort- Morton Downey Jr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, shout out Jenny Jones, rude Jude, like, there's a whole genre. I wonder if they're Ricky- motherfucker Ricky Lake. Heard of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got one that's, uh, likes to cut people, but yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shout out to Jerry. It truly was electric television for anyone under the age of like 20. And then as soon as you're older than that, you're like, this is fake. And those tits are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very modern chic right there, dude. That's like some modern chic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No group. Okay, I'm just sa- Okay, one at a time. Alright. We'll do it one at a time. It would be too funny. It would be too funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get em! So, so this is like what my wife had when she gave birth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' thing sucks! A lot of birthing mothers do in epidural. What? Birthing people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I was trying to circle back. I was wondering what one of us said, but I didn't catch it. And then I was just making a face. So, oh, okay. I thought I was just smiling and making a goofy face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, I did not say that. I said hiatus. I just said, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's still, there's still some factors of fate in there, you know? Just some... There is some wiggle room there. Alright, yeah, alright. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all good. So, Adam, yeah, I'll be FaceTiming you. Sure, I can FaceTime you. What's up? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, really? Adam, is that like brain, is that like brain scans and stuff? What is that? Well, I mean, we don't have to go there if you don't want to, dude. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, we want the cause of the diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. This was the same procedure? Okay. Same procedure that you got? Yeah. I mean, that's like, even when I go to the fucking dentist, I'm like, gas me up. You know what I mean? Like, I don't wanna feel jack shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something's relieved. Wow, when you're talking about putting that up there, I think I would be- Moon river! So scared that I might move, and like, the needle- Oh, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like it would hit something and then I would tweak it and then the needle would just like... Yeaah. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing, that's why I think I would get like fully knocked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, I'm actually getting like anxiety, just- Wait, where were you the other day? Thinking about it, like, like, it's like- You're sweating. It's tweaking me out a little bit, because-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, was that in Beverly Hills? They wouldn't gas you up or what? You got- I got gassed the fuck out. Which we've-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did I tell you guys, when I got my arm, when I went under for my arm surgery, when I came out, I fucking tried to like punch the nurse and they had to hold me down and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like was swinging at her and telling her to leave me the fuck alone and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I was spitting at her but I was probably putting on a performance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I came out I had no idea what the fuck was going on and I thought I had been like kidnapped or something I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, they watch it and they twist the knobs and stuff and they're like, okay, he's almost dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, totally. Correct, it is. Yeah, it's like very fluid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I missed my exit. Fuck. Hoop it back. No doubt. Uh, dudes, I got Invisalign. I got it on right now, but you can't tell, huh? Wow. Ohhh. You can't tell. Really? I can't tell. That's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think I was slurping the spit back up, you know, and I, I didn't quite get it on the back cap. So it was like, I was like, yeah. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, and I have to wear rubber bands in them too. I just haven't started doing that yet, but I'm gonna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want your teeth doing that either. That's what I got one down here that's like, I was like, can you just ditch that one? Like, and I don't even have to wear Invisalign. Very common. Very common. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I got my eyes, I got my eyes checked the other day. 2020 vision. Straight up. What were they?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm having a late glow up. I'm having a midlife glow up. That's what's happening right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess, I guess. I'm just, you know, something's shining on me, you know what I mean? What can I say? Something's shining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those eyes, they appear right into your soul. That was like, you know, we were becoming real actors at that point, huh? The pirate was season one, that was like, we were rapping our last season. Speak to that. Kyle, will you speak to that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will be happy. I do remember, I do remember directing, um, Chris Parnell fucking Michelle Obama, uh, impersonator, impersonator, while Barack Obama impersonator watched. Yeah. Uh, impression.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No slander over here, baby. Okay, we're clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're alleged and clear. Um, and I was wearing that costume and it was just a, I remember being like, what the fuck is actually going on? And it was in my bedroom that I was going to sleep in that night. It was, yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. Sometimes I wish I was that kind of a director that like, you know, dressed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, right, right, working on the car outside, you know. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do remember it ended up being like tank top with button up over it. So then I could button up before the meeting. But the problem was is, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? You guys? Oh wow. You did or I did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, you remember this? Wow. See, okay. Yeah. Keep going. Cause I'm like, what was the conversation about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Wild. Yeah. I have no memory of any of these, not a lot of these meetings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's, they kinda all run together in a way. They're like chapters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That one, oh yeah, Durst flipped out just cause it's not cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hollywood! And you have to be that way. You gotta be you, man. You gotta do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, please explain the nuance to me. Please explain the nuance because I'm not there or like, what's up? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? You're gonna have an at-home birth? You're a fucking idiot. Here's what I would do. But that was just Adam trying to jog your memory, right? That wasn't pertinent to the story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm talking about. I don't pay attention to any one of these fucking meetings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I pick and choose my battles. Like I can definitely like figure out which ones I want to just let slide and which ones I gotta be like, hold up. What was that now? I don't even categorize these things as battles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's fair. That's actually... These are good breakdowns in communication. That's huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I remember when I found out that my uncle who like we watched movies like a lot growing up and talked about movies like that's what we did at Family Functions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard, I talked to him and he was like, uh, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, game over man, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, and that was like at Thanksgiving, and it was like, oh, he didn't really want to talk about it, and I was like, oh, okay, I'll go talk over here. Then I find out that my mom was like, my mom told me later, like, your uncle turned that movie off, didn't finish it. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My cock, the butthole, the... I think it was the butthole into the dog, I think is really where... Yea, that turned a lot of people off. He was like, I'm not even, I'm not even gonna try this anymore. But...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's- Wait, really? I would not have guessed that 12 year olds would- Yes, it's all age-ish.