[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean, if you're trying to live somewhat healthy twice a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a woman and you're not like dealing with that all the time, you're not going to guess correctly. I think it's hard for men to guess correctly with women too if you're not really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, used to figuring out what that number should be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, see? See, that was just a lucky guess. I dunno. Did I do right? Is that good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That feels like a healthy weight for a woman. 5'7", 5'8", should be about 285, something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I always tell people. When they tell me, Tom, you're fat, I go, well, I'm fucking, I got huge muscles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's finally Korean. Oh no. Wow. That's so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He probably just learned that, uhm, expression while he was in the hospital. His paper is stuck in mud, oh no. It's pretty cool though. Yeaah. To tran- tran- be transracial?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard of this before, obviously the famous Rachel Dolezal and, you know, she was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was famously black, even though she's not, you know what I mean? But she was like, yeah, but I feel it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think she was actually rubbing something, you know, on her, like a cream, something like that, yeaah. It was pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get wanting to feel like you're something else. Uhm, it's kind of bold. This individual obviously has an accent. They're not from here. Uhm, I don't think they look Korean now. I think they're gonna be really bummed out when someone's like, I gotta tell you something. I think we fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your tie. And she's like, oh, blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It goes under surgery again, and they're like, uuuh. How do you feel about... Japanese? No. This is like me waking up and being like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking Jewel! I can't just do that. I have to go through the process, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, your mother told you that you might be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he made it such a challenge to be that way, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just super challenging period. You know? Yeah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well why don't you go get, why don't you get, uh, operation on your eyes and make it a cool thing, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jewish surgery? Jewish eyes? Yea, get your Jew eyes ready. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now your eyes are all puffy and stupid and no one thinks you're a Jew. So why don't you go where he went and ask them to be like, hey, you know, Jew me up a little bit. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh we're looking at Jewish eyes right now. Oh there's Anne Frank, this is a real nice search.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just bring a photo of her and you're like, I want to look like this. You're like, she's a child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's a lovely song. Wow. Yeah. That was the best. Grass Kingdoms, I believe, made that. Mmhm. Katakai. Yeah, so, but yeah, I mean, the, uh, the delusion you have to have could be like, I had this surgery and now I'm Korean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think that, I don't think the surgeon is going, you want to be Korean? I think the surgeon is probably like, yeah, we can give you that eye lift. You know, you want an eye lift?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I'm saying, you know, I can do this procedure on your eye. It's not, I'm not making you Korean. I'm doing what you want me to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Procedure? Pro? Procedure. Procedure? Procedure. I didn't say percedure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, this thing I got going right now is pretty sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know not everybody likes it, but I'm, I'm gonna ride it for the, until the brakes fucking fall off. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, true. That's very true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I love them too. Different reasons, but I love them too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll give you a little bit of context. I only watched the very beginning of this, but just so you go into it with the right mindset. Somebody sees his absolutely bananas car and just takes a picture of it. Cause they're like, Oh, this is a crazy car. And Conald.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See that and engages the person who you can tell is like has no idea what's about. It's literally walking through a parking lot. Look at this crazy car takes a picture and then connell puts the full fucking business on him. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh? I was just taking a picture of your crazy car, man. And he's like, baby rapers? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I do when a crazy person says something to me. You just go like, yep, yeaah. You hear him? He's like, mhm, yeaah. Cause you know not to push back. Like yeaah yeaah, now I hear you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course he does. Immediately he's like, I'm just gonna delete this real quick man, sorry about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you feel like now after watching so much of his stuff that like you know all the beats that are like, you know, put cops away, put these pigs away, get the baby raper stamp and, like to us now, we're like, yes, but he does, but that guy, that's his first time. He's like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, imagine somebody telling you, I'm not gonna give you the baby raper stamp on your forehead, and you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's so crazy. It is absolutely insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. No, no, I think you're a fucking 100% right. Yeah. That's what I would do if I met him too. I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, man. Do you need money? I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putting dirty cops away all over the country. I mean, that's a full time job. Full time job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would guess, I would guess. Strikes me as a guy that has a daughter. He's just got a daughter out there. She's like 26 right now. She probably doesn't know him. I'm guessing. I don't think she knows him. Man. That is just, oof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here, let's cleanse the palette, okay? Here's supposed to be a follow-up video, let's see what happens here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? This is a great picture on this camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the hard hat on top? Yeaah. Yeaah, good call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, just in construction in general too, you're sweating your ass off. Hauling shit around. Telling, telling potential criminals to get lost, you know. Makes you all sweaty. Yeah. You still thinking about that bug?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'll get out of this. Okay, hold on, hold on. Let me look for it here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see what you'll like. Okay, you'll like this. Oh yeaah, I think you'll like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And then I got that and that transitioned you into something else I think you'll like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you been browning a lot? I've been browning, uh, yeaah. I mean, no, normal like twice a day. Normally twice a day. Not the healthiest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, that's not great. Sometimes I look at, I don't know, I'm traveling a lot in different places every fucking day, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different, you know. How about a dad boner? You wanna see a dad boner? Would that show you up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When was the last time you felt that happy about anything? Is there anything that gets you when Bauhaus announces a new show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one time. Yeah, one time. That was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you look great. What are you talking about? Yeah. Yeah. Alright. Yeah. Alright, Jean. Well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got sickle cell here. We're going to do palm casting and then, uh, yeah, I will, um, I'll see you tomorrow. See you tomorrow, Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will see you, uh, I'll see you tomorrow. I think maybe in the afternoon. I'm not sure what time I come home. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is also brought to you by Policy Genius. It's never a bad time to find ways to bundle your home and auto insurance and save on coverage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With Policy Genius. Policy Genius makes it easy to compare home and auto insurance in one place. They can help you find home and auto insurance similar to what you have now, but at a lower price. They've saved customers an average of $1,250 per year over what they were paying for home and auto insurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've saved new customers an average of $435 per year on auto insurance and they've saved new customers an average of $350 a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Home insurance. Here's the best part. They handle the paperwork to set up your new policy or switch over your current one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that the biggest selling point to you? They find you the better rate and then they help switch you over?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it is. You get on over to PolicyGenius.com, answer a few quick questions about yourself and your property, and then Policy Genius takes it from there. Head to PolicyGenius.com to get started right now. Policy Genius, when it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're happy to welcome back to the program, uh, the host of the honeydew, which you can listen to every Monday, watch every Tuesday over at Ryan Sickler's YouTube channel. It is the one and only the great Ryan Sickler. What's up there, Chomo? Hey man. How's it going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, it is the worst thing you can be called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy must be getting bullied by it. I don't know. I don't know if he is a chomo or what, but I saw this was, I haven't seen it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never wear the same shirt twice. Ever. That's really cool. You look good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who the fuck says that? It's wasps, dude. Everybody knows that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally never met anybody who didn't say wasps. WASPISES!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wasp, wasps. There were, there were waspses, wasps there. And man, I got stung like six, seven times in the arm and I was pulling them out. Oh yeah. Stay in your arm, pull them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. They're aggressive. They're, they're actually, they're predators. Yeah. They can produce and edit. Predator bees. Yeah. They can produce and edit and assault people. Yeah. Pretty cool. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're saying, cause I was telling you that Ellis is that kid that just walks up and grabs fucking frogs and shit. He brought one in the house. It's like his pet now. And I remember as a kid, there's always that one kid and like, that's my kid now? But you said that that was your brother Derek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a whole segment of the population. There's a percentage of guys that are totally into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he doesn't, he doesn't get, he loves snakes. He's always like, I'm scared. Oh, I read him snake books. He watches snake videos. He also, for a while now, he's like, I watch a snake video. First of all, he calls me Tom. I don't know if you know that. Nah. He's like, what's up Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom. He's like, good morning, Tom. I'm like, I'm your fucking dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, alright Tom, but he's like, hey Tom, I want to watch a snake video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought at first that he wanted to watch just like a, you know, the video of a snake moving in the bushes. Yeah, sure, on the sand. He wants to watch it hunt and eat. Like what, like goats? Like anything. He's like, he's like, he's like, when he kills the pig and it's like strangling animals and eating it, he's like, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rewind that. Let me see that again. Favorite shit to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I know. He's gonna be a problem. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of construction, I tried to watch this earlier, and I didn't get through it, but there's a guy, this is in, in, uh, I think in London maybe, somewhere in Britain, and uh, he's fighting with construction workers. For real? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I didn't get through it, so here it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, just confrontation? But isn't it interesting that it feels like much more, I don't know, almost like pleasant confrontation? Like it doesn't feel like as aggressive as American confrontation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no. But, but I wouldn't like this. No, I wouldn't like this. He's like asking questions. Let me ask you something. Like his, his version of bullying is like, you answer this. Yeah. No, it's like, it's a different version of bully. He's not like, hey, fuck you bitch. Like what you hear here, you know? It's just like, I don't know, man. He's, he's cool. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I haven't shown you any of these. We've been, we found some really good, uhm, what are they, uh, last few weeks, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horrible. Oh yea, like these kind of things. Like check this out. This dude. This dude's taking a piss. Oh man. Look at this. He's going to take a piss on this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how, how you say he's a lie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His uh, his meeting thing is one of my favorite things of that whole tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. He jumps from the roof in rain boots. He's wearing fucking rain boots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right there. Yeah, I'm chasing it. Yeah, man. How come you don't do it anymore?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so, it wasn't my party, we went to a party together. Yea, you invited me. Yea, and we went to a party, and uhm, at one point, I, uh, I was asked to open a bottle of wine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we go, and there's like, it's a, it's a group of people, I only know a couple of them, but everyone there is really nice, and it's this backyard party, right? And uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cool, like food, so we uber up, there's like posters painted of it, right, and uhm, yeaah, we meet out front, we talk for a little bit, I was going to this party, and we hang out, we're having a good time, and like, yeaah, the movie started, everyone's, people are watching it, people get up, you know, get food and stuff,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go over to the table one time, and uh, you know, people, the host says, uh, oh, you opened this bottle of wine. And I go, okay. So, I go to open the bottle of wine, and it's a, it's kind of a rickety, you know, wine opener, but I, you know, I feel like I got it. And I pull it, push those two arms down on the outside and pull up, and I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I pulled half of it out. Half the core guitar. And I was like, ahhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now I'm like, what do I do? And then I go, well, I guess the only thing to do is push the court.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, right? Cause I, there's no way to, I try to remove it. It's the only way to like salvage any of it. Now what you're supposed to do is then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, I jam the rest of the cork into the bottle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That asshole, he didn't have any fruit. No fruit, bro. Oh, fuck. God damn. Ugh, that was so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude, uh, I haven't seen this, but apparently there's a flat earther who has a pretty good, pretty good take on it, you know, on why we should believe. Is that what I'm looking at? Is that what he does?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, oh man, my whole world just changed right now. Yeah. I felt the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be cool if we didn't. I know somebody who believes that and I go, what about, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then it's definitely not round and I'm like, what about all the NASA images? And he's like, you believe that shit? I'm like, well, I mean, they're constantly sending photos. He's like, man, it's all, it's all bullshit. Like, so NASA, he's like, that's all bullshit. All the photos, all fucking, all the fuck with you. Okay. Pretty cool, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Just what, what's the- Just baseballs. So what's the benefit of me believing? You know what I mean? Yeaah. What's, what is the conspiracy? Now that I believe it's round, then what? Yup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, oh, the, my favorite one for, uh, I've had somebody go, how come you don't see the fucking, I look out, I don't see no round. Yeah. Straight. That's good. Okay. That's cool, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they were, they're white. And they just had a regular kind of white appearance, I guess, right? Like traditional white features. On the outside. Right, on the outside. And inside you're always Korean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it. I'm sure you know who would really, I wish Bobby Lee was here right now. We could ask him if he accepts him as a Korean now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is also brought to you by Hims.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've heard us talking about hymns, how they're helping guys look their best. If you haven't yet, it's time to see what they're all about. Is your hair falling out? Is it starting to thin? And you're like, mm, I'll just sit around and wait and maybe do something 10 years from now. And you're going to have a buzz cut like me. You want to avoid that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to 4HIMS.com, the one stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. It's time to write a new chapter, one in which you have hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hymns is helping guys be the best versions of themselves. This is not snake oil pills. This is prescription solutions backed by science. Hymns was created by a guy who knows the men's health conversations are easier online than in person. No more awkward in person doctor visits or long pharmacy lines. You get connected to real licensed medical professionals online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today Hymns is giving you their best offer yet. If you're not happy with your results after 90 days, Hymns will give you a full refund. And right now our listeners can get their first visit absolutely free. Go to 4Hymns.com slash mom. That's 4Hymns.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prescription products require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Remember, that's ForHims.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Black Rifle Coffee Company. Black Rifle Coffee Company is a veteran owned coffee company serving premium coffee. They've donated 6 million cups of coffee to frontline workers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My god, they have these, uh, cold brew filter pouches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to blackriflecoffee.com slash mom today to get the new cold brew packs. Use the code mom at checkout. Make your mornings better with black rifle coffee. That's black rifle coffee.com slash mom. And the code is mom at checkout. You know who Adriana Chechik is? She's an adult film star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's doing a DP Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and then an anal scene Monday. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's weird. Yeaah. But apparently Bert and I have an open invite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen how many people have mispronounced his name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then on a separate, a separate night on a different feed, they did this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, I love that Drew has that, Dr. Drew has, he didn't tell me about dust, but he said that, you know, he goes, people on cocaine run from police and people on meth go towards them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, he said people on cocaine will see a cop and jump out a window. You know, like if they're, if they're fucked up enough and that people on meth will be like those eight guys and fucking run right towards them. Like go right up to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They want that, they want that smoke when they're on meth. I don't know why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We smoked this shit in Peru when I was, when I graduated from school, from college. I took my, one of my roommates down to Peru. You met Rodrigo and all those guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We go down to Peru and you know, we're in college, we're used to like, let's get some weed, uh, you know, looking back, it was so high risk kind of what we did being that we're in like a third world country and not knowing how it could go. So, you know, me and my, my buddy that I brought down, we smoked weed all the time at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I head up Rodrigo and I go, uh, hey man, we want to get some weed. And he's like, alright. So, we go to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The university campus. I don't know if it was University of Lima or what. He's like, this dude will hook us up. Like alright, he goes, uh, I go, how much is it? He goes, 20 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I figured we're just gonna get like a little sack. Dude hands me an ounce. For twenty? Yea, I mean, I was like, what? So you know, like stash it in the jacket and then I'm like, holy shit man, that's twenty dollars?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what's in this, but we smoke a joint, and like, within minutes, I'm up on their roof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was with my friend and I was like, you hear that shit man? And he was like, what? I was like, trains man, you hear the trains? And he was like, I don't hear trains. And I was like, you don't hear that? And I remember him being like, mm mm. And then I was like, god damn, I'm so cold. And it wasn't cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to get like extra blankets and I was shaking, you know, and I was like, and I kept talking about trains and he was like, I don't know what the fuck's going on with you. The next night he got high, but he didn't. The next night we smoke again and I swear to God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt like it was maybe like some dirt weed and then like they poured some fucking chemical on it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a show at Howard. You do that with me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you've always been at the craziest tolerance I've seen. Yeah. You can smoke, I've seen you smoke an entire joint, and your demeanor didn't even shift. No, it doesn't. Like, in the second joint, too, and you've been like, totally normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, man. Well, you got dates coming up all at RyanSickler.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you this. I gotta tell you, I, you know, scroll through Instagram like everybody else all the time. It's my favorite social media platform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I go by your page, you have these great highlights from Patreon and from the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking watch all of them. There's such good stories and it's like real people telling real stories and it's so captivating and engaging. I get sucked into it, man. Like it's really good. What you've built is really, really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Incredible, that's what gets me. I mean, I'm watching these clips, these little highlights, and I'm like, holy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's stories that you just, you can't, like, you could try to make this up and you couldn't do it. You just had, I watched the one, I don't know, a week or so ago about the guy who was like, and you're like, let's just stop hunting, man. People die every time you hunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying man, I watch these little highlights and I'm like, man, this is amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is. Go to uh, RyanSickler.com, TheHoneyDew.com. Yup. And uh, follow him on- HoneyDewPodcast.com. Just go to RyanSickler.com. It's all there. Follow him on Instagram. Listen to his podcast. See him on the road. He's a great comic. And uh, we'll be doing stuff together. Thanks for coming, man. Dude, thank you for having me. Closing song is Point of Personal Privilege by Mr. Mobius.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. Please continue to watch more. You can see all these were my hands gesturing. You can click on those. And please subscribe if you have not yet. Hit the subscribe button and then we'll get your money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, so with the driveway, I have my breakfast. I always bring my power.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they think they wanna be part of social media, but what I do, you're not social media, are ya?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This car puts cops in prison, brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look down here, you know I've been gone for quite some time. Look a little lower. Look under this thing, see that dash cam? See it cooking under there? Oh yea. It never shuts off, you know why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cameras aren't supposed to shut off. Just because you shut the car off don't mean the camera's supposed to shut off. They're supposed to cruise. They're supposed to cruise and cruise and cruise so that... My man is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They want to go to prison. They want to meet Baba. You know, there's a lot of black people in prison that never get to come out. They want fresh meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They want fresh Twinkies. They really do. I've talked to them all. They can't help it. They're never coming out ever again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's an R right there, I don't know if the R is silent. Burt Crazier? I never heard of Burt Crazier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck pooping, man. I hate the way humans poop. It sucks. It's designed badly. We need a change. I need an upgrade. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This happens like four or five times a week. I'm poopin', and I can't quite get it all out. There's still a nugget or two left in my colon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know it's there, I feel that there's still poo in me. Most of the poo's already in the toilet, but that last bit just won't come out, no matter how hard I put. So I'm like, okay, I don't want to spend another hour on the toilet trying to get this last bit of poo out, so I'll just leave it in there, whatever, till next time. Mhm. You with him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's not, that's not fun either. Because there's still a bit of poo left in my butthole. It's still there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's showing up every time I wipe. It's not getting any cleaner. No matter how many times I wipe, I can go through two rolls of toilet paper. Still poo. Still poo. But I gotta carry on with my day. I do not have the time to spend three hours shitting and wiping. You know when you go back to the bathroom, like an hour after you've taken a shit, to re-wipe? Yes. Yes. That's a common occurrence for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well hold on, may I just interject one moment please, Joanna? Is that a lot of people say, is it just a gross out fest? Will I just vomit buckets and buckets? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we had O-M-G Maria. We had, uh, Danny Brown, Rob Eyler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you the truth? I'm a little afraid of your mood because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the bear wakes up, like you eat right away, otherwise the bear gets super angers and crankers and you've been in a delightful mood today and I don't know what to make of it and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, the other jean to drop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm talking about. So what's the plan, Stan? What are we doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, that's your favorite. But then you have to wait until we get home. How soon after he wakes up do you think he'll be able to eat native?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I could put the croissants in your mouth basically when you wake up and then drive you home and then make you brekkie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we get home. And what I'm really excited about, and I think what you're most excited about is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you said that you could record your own farts, but I think you're going to be so out of it because those videos they show you of people waking up, right, out of colonoscopy. It's usually a family member, right, or a nurse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Okay. And then will you be live tweeting from the toilet tonight as you empty yourself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but don't you wish you had a toilet that could weigh the browns that you'll be doing in the next few hours?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yeah, weigh yourself before and then after. You're gonna, how much do you think you're gonna lose, like 10 pounds?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you were browning the whole time. But you're like that, you know, you, you'll dump and then be like, let's fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not gonna, he's not gonna want a JSD after being, you're gonna exhaust yourself pooping. It's gonna be exhausting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I've taken, I've taken that Chinese dieter's tea in college one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's what I really dialed into is that it felt like it was our own thing. Like I felt like this one really gelled together. We gelled as a crew. We gelled in the content department. Like I said, we, yes it's gross shit, but there was also these fun, great sketches that we all did together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have some feedback. And also I want to point out that this was ironically our, our Thanksgiving special too, YMH Live 3. It was jam packed with heartfelt messages and look, a lot of us


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here you go. Also, uh, Hey, my name is Kirsten and just watched the live show and I have to give Tim props. The heavy section almost took me out. I literally choked on my own vomit, but hey, the price I pay for being a top mommy PS 10 to 12 Benadryl really does make you cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it came from where my mom's at. The episode will air next week. And I was so thrown by this piece of information about one of our staff here that I had to share it on the live show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before we got rolling today, I casually, for some reason, I was just like, what, you know, what's your favorite movie, Nadav? Cause I, I'm just curious, I don't think I've ever asked you that question. Uhm, and what did you say, Nadav?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead and Google this for me, because I've never heard of this movie Drumline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I know, and you became very passionate that this is in fact your favorite movie. Can you? Yea. Can you describe the plot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he was cute. There he is with the hat. Yea, there he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but this, this movie is akin to, you know, Stomp the Yard and- Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but these are, listen, don't use the audience to rate anything. They're the ones, half this country voted for Trump, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, Coming to America is one of the greatest movies of all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I will say Nick Cannon is adorable. He does a really good job. Orlando Jones, great job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a little bit of, it's a similar formula to like stomp the yard and all the other- Also great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but what, what do you relate to? Like, what's the emotional, for instance-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is a lesson you feel resonates with you. Is this a problem of yours?


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[Assistant] I mean the actual correspondence from the company is telling us one thing, and then a video tells us the other. This is terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reese's Pieces, but then I ca- I like Reese's Pieces and then I say Reese Cup though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mommy, if you're a long time listener, you've probably heard us talk about Brooke Lennon before. From your bed to your bathroom, they've got comfort covered, and this holiday is no


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exception, I'm talking gifts, gifts that are soft, gifts that are cozy, gifts that give you a feeling of complete and utter serenity. Brook Lennon has got so many options, especially for gifting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are always people on your list who are tough to please and comfort's not a one size fits all type of thing. Their selection really takes into account different needs and preferences when it comes to bedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Towels, you name it. Seriously, they have something everyone will love. And it's just the best gift to give someone you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You care for, I mean give the gift of comfort, give the gift of sheets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Robes, towels, you name it. So, cozy up to Brooklinen's biggest sale of the year happening right now. Brooklinen is so confident in their product that all their sheets, comforters, loungewear and towels come with a 365 day warranty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get huge savings and free shipping during Brooklinen's biggest sale of the year only at Brooklinen.com. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com and use promo code MOM to let them know our show sent you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's brooklinnen.com promo code mom. And if you can't wait for the sale, or if you're just hearing this and it's post black Friday, cyber Monday, you can still use the promo code mom at brooklinnen.com for 10% off and free shipping in the U S any time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just like the four of us, it was a really sweet moment. We were tickling the toddlers and then you were like... You do that thing and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or uhm, what's her name? Uhm, from the golden girls, the masculine one?


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[Assistant] Judy Dench or Bea Arthur and I really want you to walk me through what you're gonna experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that we'll be as disgusted with each other's bodies because both our bodies will be disgusting?


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[Assistant] Like, right now, we're not as cute as we were when we started fuckin' back in our twenties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, for sure, yeaah. Ugh, god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you had to fuck one old lady, who would you fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to pick one. Who's your celebrity old lady that you'd fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would've fucked Sean Connery. No, Jack Nicholson, I'd fuck Jack Nicholson and he's as old as-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unbelievable. And what I really, thank you Matt, what I really love is the attention to detail and the hours spent doing nonsense. I think that's just so rad. Don't you love it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The level of talent in our YMH community, I mean, I'm still blown away by the cube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And these videos people find for us? It's incredible. It is incredible. The mommies are just so resourceful and funny.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so wait, I'm waiting for the punchline. I keep waiting for you to drop the boom on me.


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[Assistant] But Tom, can I ask you a question and be real? How does a heterosexual guy get like that? Like, I don't know anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm thinking in my head that he's attractive, and if I were like, single, I'd be like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda like, what's his name, William? He seems cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, he starts talking and I'm like, this guy's full of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean for uhm, for a cool guy, like we usually don't have handsome guys on these videos. I think uhm, the standard is so low and you also-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You also showed me like an old disgusting man having sex with a woman. You showed me a guy blowing snot rockets into a Gatorade bottle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy is just a breath of fresh air on the show. I'm not used to seeing attractive people in your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When do daylight savings begin? Sometime in October. It's now November.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's really got it figured out. It's something different every day. Life, it keeps happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never heard him say that before. Lunks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I liked Asian piss fountains. That was a good one. That was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's, it's her butt. It's sterile. It's okay. She can't get sick cause it's her butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the bars. See, we're multicultural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, listen up dudes, this is for you. Coming from a lady who has dealt with junk. You know what I'm talking about? Downstairs, there's nothing worse than sweaty,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stanky nuts or an unkempt


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, box area. Do you know what I'm saying? For dudes, that's why you have to get manscaped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Manscaped has the performance package to help performance when it really matters. The performance package comes with all the tools to clean up your delicate places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Inside you'll find the most popular electric trimmer and it's called the Lawn Mower 3.0. Their Lawn Mower 3.0 has proprietary advanced skin safe technology so this trimmer reduces cuts on your man's nuts, which is huge. Nothing is better than a clean pair of nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll also get the Crop Preserver, the Crop Reviver, to help reduce ball sweat, smell, and stickiness. Listen, nobody wants stinky, sweaty nuts. Did I mention you get a sexy new pair of boxers to keep his junk smelling fresh all day? And that's just, that's the icing on the cake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Performance package comes with a weed whacker, ear and nose hair trimmer too. Perfect, perfect, perfect. So here's what you're gonna do. Uh, you're gonna get...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 20% off and free shipping, go to manscaped.com slash mom. Ladies, this is the perfect gift for you and your man. And trust me, he will thank you. And men, your balls will thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get 20% off and free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. Xoxo, Rudolph the naughty reindeer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're showing off your chest fur and the arm fur.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't even imagine what your hatch tastes like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can't imagine that that would make your semen taste good. You know, I'm just saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you, okay, I'm putting myself in a woman's place. Pretend I'm a woman. Yes. Now, I like you, and I would be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, he's attractive, you're, you're cute, and then, like, you've got kind of a cool, different style, cause you're from the East Coast, you don't dress like people do in LA, so you've got like East Coast vibes, and then you're sweet, like you pretend to listen, I don't know if you really do, but you seem like the kind of guy that would listen to a woman, and I think that's- I listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's sesh. You were intercourse. It was penis in vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were squatted over her face like you were taking a brown and she licked your taint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, this chick is marriage material.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so she's licking your scrum, she's, you're licking your peen, and then, then you put your hand on your peen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I disagree Yana, I don't think this counts as an unassisted, you didn't come with a, with a, with, I'm saying that, but he still had to J his D.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just put your D in my V and you don't need to use your hand to finish yourself off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, it's still slightly assisted. Slightly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's a good question now, because it seems like the scrum eating was the linchpin to your bugak. Had you had your- It really is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is though, what was different about this woman that you think you felt comfortable enough to, you were vulnerable?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think so? You think it was all sexual or was there an emotional component where you trusted her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's as if she was really into consuming everything you had to offer, and even her thing of like, I want to taste your cum, do you think that it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting, cause you've had savagery before, it's not as though...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lots of compliments. Yes. Don't get crazy with them.


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[Assistant] I can't even imagine, like I just, I didn't know that was the position you forgot to. You don't have to imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I mean, like a naked standing Josh Potter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, our family won't be together for the holidays this year, but I have found the perfect way to bring us all together safely. It is a hand painted compilation portrait from Paint Your Life and it makes the perfect gift.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get a professional hand painted portrait created from any photo at a truly affordable price. You just send any picture of yourself, your children, your family, whatever a special place or maybe it's a special pet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you can combine photos into one painting, which is so great. I mean, imagine like, putting together people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The work has such detail, they're really, really beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At PaintYourLife.com, there's no risk. If you don't love the final painting, your money is refunded guaranteed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't hear that. All I know is that it sounded to me just like a nice lady that he had an emotional connection with, not so much the scrum because he's had his scrum eaten by other ladies before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no correlation between Scrum and B'Gak. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm so excited. You know, since the election, the talks have just been so different in nature. Some of them lighter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Funnier, freer, weirder, there's so much good shit right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's always having some kind of problem. It's the website, it's his health, uh, people are talking about him. You know, there's always something in the King's world going on. So, I like to keep you guys abreast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know and why is his beard so thin at the bottom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know, the emotionless is like, whatever. That's, that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's that guy trimming his dog's nails. I'm like, if my dog did that, I wouldn't trim my dog's nails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So did you know that you can go to the DMV and declare your gender as an ex now? Like the DMV will honor


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So maybe, I don't know if you're allowed to now change it to Hue Hue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, Hugh would like, oh, his name is Hugh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot. It's a lot. You know, and I... It just seems that these younger people are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying to differentiate themselves in the world. You know, I think it's similar to being goth, you know, when you're like, uhm, like if someone had given me the opportunity at 16,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was a lot of blowback, um, on Biden winning a lot of those talks. Yeah. I thought those are pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, and I would rather watch these, which are emotionally challenging, cause like, I like to think about why it bothers me. Like, why was I so annoyed? Like, why is this so annoying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but she's- You're fuckin' gross. Yeah, and they're gross. I think that's what it is too. Kinda gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa. Yeah, so that girl just sold her sweaty socks to a dude for $20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On TikTok. It's a thing now, so that's a rolling cock where guys are buying. I know!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, these are videos made by this mother and son and they explain to you how you should, should have dialogues about their pronouns with your children. Like this is an ideal conversation that we should be having with our kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A hundred, okay, here's what I'm gonna do. Cause I actually, I think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's interesting to me. It's interesting because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if it's what it is. What is this? Cause I've never encountered this before. It's something entirely new for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this? Is it real? Is this just like, are these kids that are just gonna end, are some of them genuinely are transgendered? Some of them are maybe just gay and they're figuring out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh, maybe I'm non-binary first, and then I'll transition to being fully gay later. I don't know what it is, so I'm really perplexed. But to answer your question,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If one of my kids decides to do this pronoun stuff, I'll be like, yeah dude, I mean look, just know that, if you're gonna come out as Zimzur Zay,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta explain that shit to your grandparents on Thanksgiving. And if you're bold enough to explain that shit to your granddad, and your grandma, and your aunts, and your uncles, then like, yeaah, you can be Zim Zer Zay, you can be Neo, you can be Q.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I'm saying like this cause like I'm afraid of being bullied. Like, well, you can't expect the world to conform to what you're doing. So if you're going to be that, just be prepared to take the fucking heat for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like, if you're gonna make other people call you by pronouns, and hue, he, and zizos, azo, zizos, azo, like, just know that it's gonna come with some static.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe there are kids that know really early, like, dude, I am not a woman, I'm not a girl, I'm a boy. And I'm him, her, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just, this stuff does trigger me. Cause I think, I think when it triggers me is when it gets enacted into laws. Like for instance, being able to go to DMV and be like, I'm a, I'm X now. Like, okay, now that's a legal status and now like there could be lawsuits that come about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you didn't respect my ex status. Sure. Medical things. Like, so when that person goes to a doctor,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have to disclose that they were born female. You know what I'm saying? Because it impacts your medical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but if you're saying, like, I'm uhm, I was born a male and now I'm a woman or whatever, yeaah. Like you're, but you're born biologically something even though you might feel a different way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are littles, uhm, this guy I follow and he likes to put a paci in his bearded mouth and act like a little kid from time to time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what's going on there, but there's a girl in a car and she's just chilling and this guy's taking a full bat to the window. And I'm like, I don't know what the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's a hole in on TikTok now, people dying on TikTok. Okay, thanks. It's pretty wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Yeah, I thought you'd like that cause it's confrontation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That's how the talk rolls, my man. I mean, that was pretty crazy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say financially 40 is a good number, not physically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really masterful, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm good, what's up chomo, I'm good man, I'm good. Fuckin' chomo. The first time I heard that term I had to look it up, I was like, what the chomo? Cause I kept hearing it on all those prison shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the worst thing you can be caught, but also there's this parallel. I find I was just had this conversation yesterday with this guy, like in our business in, in post-production, there are people who can produce an edit and they call them predators. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they'll say, I'm a predator, I'm like, why would you fucking go- No, listen, you take the long road on this one. You produce and edit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, those glasses make your eyes pop, Christina. You look great. You do look great. Always changing your shirts out and shit, keep it up stylish. You look good, girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking, I didn't realize it was a dozen of them up there. I thought I was just showing a two or three of them until I heard, click that over here. And I was like, oh shit, there's a gang up over here that got nail guns and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How close are they to you when you're yelling this? They're like, they're like 20 yards behind us and they block our driveway. I've been taking Stella to camp and school and they always get me late. Now don't say shit. I patiently wait, but this time...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're, Evan and I are trying to leave, this guy's got this fucking forklift up here, and he's telling us it's gonna be two minutes, and we wait, and then next thing you know it's fifteen fucking minutes, and we're like, what the fuck's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we both get out and start yawnin'. This dude, there's one dude in this like little, you know those popular, uh, straw summer hats, guys like to wear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those guys. And he's on the roof of the fucking thing, and he's just looking down at me the whole time, staring. Cause finally after yelling, I'm like, no man, you don't get to block the fucking driveway. Yeah. That's when I hear his back up over, and I was like, fuck, didn't look, didn't look back there, you know, and they're like, just tell the guy, just move the fucking thing, just move it, let him get out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the dude keeps mad dogging, just staring down straight at me. So I fucking threw the car door open and I look at him and he goes, we're doing it. And I go, yeah, you are doing it. And you're fucking staring at me. He's like, what are you doing? I go, I'm staring at you like you're staring at me motherfucker. And he spit and I spit and I just kept staring at him. Spit? Stared at him. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then coming here, they started the thing up again, and I'm trying to drive out, and the dude


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Halfway out and he just makes eye, they got a whole part of fence, you know, fence, actual fucking fence laying in the driveway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have to drive over. We've already had two fucking flat tires, um, neighbors flat tires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just, I just wanted those stare downs. It was straight up and I was like this is good. Heart racing? No. I, I welcome that. And I pull up and he just stares at me. So I stopped and I just stared. And I stared until he looked away. And you, you welcome that? Yea. That, today I did that. I don't always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this guy was yelling and being a dick, so today he looked at me and I was like, you want to give me something, I'll give you something. And then I pull out and I see my neighbor and I'm pointing to the guy at the top again. He starts looking, so I just start pointing up to him, just going, this motherfucker right here. This motherfucker. So I came here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hired up. And y'all hit me up with Chomo, a little bit of tongue in your ass. I feel good, god damn. Yes, that makes me relax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been teaching my, uh, daughter about him cause she's been hit by the honeybees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my, uh, her brother got a, a, a wasps. Really? Yeah. God, I'm good. And I was like, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are. Growing up, we had mud wasps. Did you get those on the east coast? They build like a little tunnel of mud on the side of your house and they just fly in those motherfuckers. They're beasts. We had the yellow jackets. Yellow jackets, yea. Oh, hornets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, and I remember one time- Some of those will make like, cause like, crazy reactions, man. Fuck yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time, uh, when my mom, um, you know, you're still her favorite comedian, uh, back when she was, she's going to love hearing this back when she was cheating on my dad, she would take us to this old dude's house and make us play outside. And, uh, one day my brothers and I, the three of us were in this little stream and we're picking up rocks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We called them crayfish back then, before I learned crawfish, but we called them crayfish up there. So we're crayfishin'. Crawfishin'. And uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this tree that had been struck by lightning and it's, it's cracked and it's now in an A shape and it's over the little stream. Yeah. So we walk under it and we just hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stay in your arm, pull them out. Just hump an onion, shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother Derek, yea, no doubt. Like I didn't mind, I was the frogs, I was salamanders, lightning bugs, worm, whatever. I didn't give a fuck about any of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, lizards, we always had chameleons or iguanas, but, uh, fucking my brother was in the snakes. That was the one that he didn't, didn't fear at all. That's crazy when people don't fear snakes. And I didn't care how big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. There's a video of a guy in the US military that just fucking, in front of everyone, grabs a Cobra. Like real slow, goes up and snatches it, and I'm like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turtle, cockatoo, and iguana, like this dude just rolling around. And, uh, my brother,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Handling or any of that shit. So, uh, this one time, like my brother buys this little baby mouse and it, it kills it, but it doesn't eat it. And he's like, well, I'm not wasting, I'm grass cutting money. So he tied a piece of fish and straight to the tail and starts dancing it and it, it bites it and it eats it. And then my brother goes to reach in the cage and the snake bites him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my eyes are like your eyes. I'm like, OH MY GOD! HE JUST BITCHED IT! And he, he doesn't look at the bike. I will ne- this is burned in my memory. He doesn't even look at his hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just looks at the snake and he's rubbing his hand and he's like, yeah it did. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I don't know, a couple months later, it's my turn to cut the grass. You got to alternate, but cutting the grass was the greatest cause we had a snapper riding mower and that was early driving. You know what I mean? That was the best. You didn't get riding a mower doing wheelies. I wanted to do it. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm in like, I don't know, 10th grade. It's summer. I've got my shirt off. We've got a square backyard. I'm going around and about three, four houses up. I can see backyards the whole way. Our buddy, Jeff Wagner lives there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I see my brother and him taking a broom and they're standing way back and they're whipping this pine tree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, there's definitely, and they got a trash can. I'm like, there's definitely a snake in there and they're trying to get in the trash can. I don't see them again. Maybe half hour later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They walk out on our deck, which is like right up here. And I'm going under it. I've got the old school headphones and cassette going, listening to Metallica or something. And my brother's holding this like six foot fucking black snake. And I'm like, don't do it, Dick. Don't fucking do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's just standing there. And then I go, and I go back to cutting. A few minutes later, I come up under the deck again. Tom, I felt this motherfucking thing slap across the back of my neck. It hit me and I look over and there's a snake face right here. I said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I grabbed it by the neck. It's the only time I've ever grabbed a snake by the neck. I threw it on the fucking ground and then I put that goddamn blade down. He's like, don't do it, dick. And he's running around. I ran over that motherfucking snake, cut it into a hundred pieces, then took the bag catcher off and dumped it out in the yard. I go, there's your fucking snake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had one and it got loose in the house and no one knew where the fuck the thing was. And it was loose for a week, right? I'm not even kidding. We had a deep freeze where we would keep like, you know, frozen, uh, steak, deer. We kept our crab baits, all that shit in there. And one day this fucking mate, this guy comes in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one time this, I'm telling you, my brother's sick. We take my, my mom takes my little brother to the pediatrician, okay? And she tells me and my brother, don't fucking come in, you two sit out here in the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have I never told you his woodpecker story? Sure, you've got your woodpecker story, dude. He's got...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we go down, he's like, I think I got it. I'm like, I don't think you got that fucking thing. We walked down, there's this little woodpecker laying there and it's cute too. I'm not even gonna lie, it's cute. I'm like, oh, you got that fucking woodpecker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the other woodpeckers in the woods I get. And we went down the next morning to get it and some, there were fox prints all under that fox. To this day, there's some fox out there, it's like, I'm telling you, it was hanging in a tree! Like, no vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But everyone seemed to be off, so this guy wasn't even flexing back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, let him do his fucking job. If you got that on the streets out here, they're fighting back. They're not just walking place. No, no one here is going to be like- Because I like the fuck guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His, that electricity went right through it. It started in his dick hole. It started in his dick hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, that happened to us one time. What? We didn't hit a woman. Well, my mom did. I told you that story, right? My mom ran over her kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? It really wasn't. I mean, it was because you're the driver, but it wasn't. But we were in her Ford Escort. It was this beige Ford Escort. It's her, her girlfriend, me, uhm, that lady's son, my twin brother, and then her youngest and our young little brother. All in this car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Station wagon like old school or? It's all at Ford Escort or regular. Oh, Escort, okay. And uhm, we're going to Hanover, Pennsylvania because that's where the outlets were back in the day and we're driving through and we're going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] West and this little boy comes out of this laundry mat, his mom sends him over to get like cigarettes and her lottery tickets or whatever. And he looks west. He looks the direction we're headed and never swivels his head toward us. And my mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wanted to see if his girlfriend, who he's married to, still was cheating on him back in the day because she was babysitting and it was raining. He had a Caprice Classic station wagon and he's driving. There's three up front, three in the back and two in all the way. There's eight of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he starts to head for this yard and I'm, I'm behind him. Okay. I'm in the seat behind the driver's seat and I'm thinking, thinking, man, we're fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're barreling in it. He's gonna fuck this yard up. Like it's, and then I realized we're sliding hydroplating off the road and this house is on a bend and it's been hit by cars that have slid off the road. So they have this monster boulder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sort of slows you down and we are humming now and we can't stop. We hit the fucking boulder. We go over top. It punctures the transmission pan and I can't get out. And he's like, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We always try to get out of there, but we're stuck and we can't go anywhere, we're fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This lady comes out the front door and she's like, I know, I see you motherfucker. I'm calling the police. So she calls the police and we're trying to get out. I can't get out because the rocks against my door now. So we all barrel out and I'm like, it's good thing you didn't leave, bro. License plate fell off the car. It's in the grass. I'm like, look, we just got to suck this up. Just say you lost control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She comes out, she's like, the police are on their way, and he's like, ma'am, I'm sorry, I lost control, and she goes, I swear to God, she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eric, is that you? He goes, yeah, who's that? She goes, I'm Mr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he just had to go over there and like fix their whole fucking yard. Wow. Yeaah. He ended up knowing. So she knew, he knew. She recognized it. Holy shit. Yeaah. Yeaah. We did that, but not hit a lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got up and so did I a few hours later and shower, got ready to go meet you and I was about to walk out the door like, he's like, what the fuck are you doing here? He's like, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, you never, what happened? He's like, oh, I passed out. I go, you missed your meeting? He's like, yeah, I missed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two people in there? Play that again, I always see this lady here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have fears about shit like that. When we did that, when we were in this Vegas festival a few years ago, they had a really nice...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went right back in, I was like, guys, I just feel like this thing could just go pooooop. And that's it. And it can. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, dude, that's, well, I thought that was a basketball. That's, that's at least 12, 15 feet up on the wall. And then pushed out way fucking, I don't know, that's another 30 feet off that wall. Maybe more. This motherfucker, these people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we, uh, can we talk about how I embarrassed myself at your party?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a really kick ass party. It was fun. It was cool. We haven't hung out in a while without comedy, which I started to think about it like probably just coming over to your house is one of the last times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're showing King of Kong, the whole movie. The whole movie is outside. It's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And they were like what? Six Jeopardy winners? Yeaah. Someone had won millions of dollars? It was crazy. It was cool. It was high end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You know, this is fancy shit. And look, you know me, I try to keep a small footprint. Like when you said that you wanted to, uh, I could go on tour with you, I was like, let me get TSA pre-checked. Let me get clear. I just want to be there. I want to be, I don't want to be disruptive. I want to blend into everything. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to be like, you know, work this fancy shit. I'm thinking like, oh, that's mad. I'm like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm also right next to the food table, fresh off a pandemic, and I'm just going-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck that wine. It was a good bottle. There were people probably all around that party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The 365, I'm like, uh huh. And then right when he took this literal, this physical turn here is when he lost me. I don't know what he said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I am. Now I am, yeaah. Once it said, I never knew there was a sticker that said globes weren't for educational purposes. Once I saw that, I shattered the whole conspiracy. Oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if it's not flat? I mean round though, but what if it's also not flat? What if it's like fucking triangle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that's what I'm saying. Alright, now what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know me dude, I support everybody's wishes here, but I gotta say this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not even close to Korean though. I wonder if, and I don't, I don't know. This is, uh, is there a before of this person?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm white now everybody, like nah, you just have a round eye. That's like me right now going, I'm Mexican. Like what'd you do? I just blinked and I fucking woke up, identified as Mexican.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had seven dicks and a pussy. I did the math when I was listening to it. That's a lot of fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, very open, bro. Very open. Yeah, I don't know about that. Do you approve? I approve, you guys. What about Christina? Christina? Just make, just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That looks, yeah, that's pretty accurate, yeah. Seems like she got the thumbs up, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, listen, I saw Burt, I thought this was a joke. I thought this guy purposely fucked his name up as a haha. That's real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got a few dates coming up right now. September 16th to the 18th, I'll be in Phoenix. Uhm, I'm headlining Brea, like October 28th. More fall dates, so just go to RyanSickler.com. Alright, cool. Everything will be posted there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait. We're doing what? Next year we're doing a California run, a Midwest run with Ohio and, uh, West Virginia. That's where it starts. That's what's got me excited. Really? Yeah. Charleston, West Virginia. I went to Lollapalooza. I've, I hung, that was the year Kurt Kupp was 94, I believe, the summer of 94.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Nirvana was supposed to headline and Kurt Cobain died and Smashing Pumpkins stepped in and I had tickets already. And that's the story where my brother gave the girl I was dating at the time the joint lace with PCP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she just fuckin', she missed the whole fuckin', it was, it was like a tribe call quest, Beastie Boys, Parliament, uhm. She knew, he knew it had it or she? Yeaah, and didn't tell her. And I smell it and I go, hey, what the fuck is that? He's like, oh, we thought you knew. I'm like, knew what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm like, you just gave her a joint with PCP? And she was like, she was, you know, a little thing, skinny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she starts panicking about what's going to happen to her and then it happens to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she, we just got a good spot. She laid down. I'm telling you, she slept for like four or five hours. And I say she's little cause when she woke up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This chick ate like a fucking hostage. Okay. She couldn't stop eating. And I told my brother and Shannon, it was my brother and Shannon that did this to her. And they knew her and I'm like, you're buying her all the food she wants. And she, I'll bet you she ate $200 worth of festival food. She couldn't stop eating. And I was like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was Charles of West Virginia, bro. I can't wait. That's like Memorial Day weekend, rolling through there, and uh, yeaah, I wanna do any other dates you want, I'll pick them. Okay. If I can, when I sit in therapy with you, we'll rehab, I'll sit down, we'll go through some- Nah, I'd love to man, I'd love to. We're doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is crazy. I just watched, I don't know why it popped up in my feed, but it was a promo of him on my show and he said the thing to about cocaine, uhm, they black out their windows also. Like it's all, he said it's always, if cocaine meth, it's always a psychological, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just worry about the authority. It always involves the authority.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People don't believe, I, I, I watched, I talked, it's on my album where I talked about it, but that was my brother and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, a cousin smoked, I watched him, I was like, let me watch it. And they had a joint dipped in PCP and they went out of their fucking minds. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You told that story, that story is so great. So then aft, thank you, after only a couple weeks later, it's the West Virginia fuckin' Lollapalooza, so I'm now also realizing, you guys are still smokin' that shit, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't make that a fucking habit, but man, it wrecked them, but not her. I mean, not her, but not them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it can get in my pores, like I don't want a part of PCP. And my brother hits it and it goes back to my cousin. My cousin says nothing and puts it out. And my brother doesn't complain or say, hey, fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And within boom like that, they change. You can see a change and my brother starts panicking and he gets up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I don't feel good. And he's standing and he's breathing heavy. He's like, I'm going to go upstairs and lay down. And my cousin says, I wouldn't go be alone with my thoughts. And I was like, Oh my God, what is going on in your head right now? And my brother walks a full circle in front of the chair. He's sitting in and he sits back down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, we're not upstairs and you didn't even get up out of your fucking chair. Like he at least walked the circle. You know what I mean? You don't get the teleport. What you guys doing here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I uhm, I would say the strangest...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when I worked at UPS, shout out to UPS, Baltimore Hub, primary one, Joe Avenue, I was tight with all the black supervisors and a lot of them went to black colleges up in, they were down, they were from New York going to black colleges in Baltimore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Howard's great university. Uhm, but these guys all will go back up to New York on the bus on the weekends, and then they'll come back on Monday to work and go to school. And when they come back, they're bringing this shit they're telling me called chocolate tie. I'm like, I want to try chocolate tie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we'll bring it back to you. I'm like, okay. And these guys, I'm like, you're riding this shit on a Greyhound? They're like, yeah, Greyhound. And now I know, you know, I'm like, yeah, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, they bring it in to UPS. I mean, they're giving me drugs at work, like this bag of weed, and I go home, and my brother's, back then I was just a weekend smoker. My brother was everyday, and I'm like, I got this shit called chocolate pie, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They said one hit will do you. And I hit it and I'm like, whew. And it tastes, it definitely tastes weird. My brother's like one hit and he hits anything. That's all we need. I go, what do you think it is? He's like, I think that's opium. And I'm not sure what it was, but it was definitely dipped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and that bag, I kept smoking it, but it lasted me like three months. You know what I mean? Just took a pinch of that. Yeah. Yeah. And even for me, I was like a couple of that. We're good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll smoke, yeaah. I could just, the problem is I can smoke like that, so it's the same way with drinking, like my tolerance is, I, I feel sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before I'm drunk when I drink. You know what I mean? You have super high tolerance for alcohol? Yeaah. Especially if I have food in my stomach. If I know I'm gonna drink, I won't eat so I can get the fucking buzz. But I feel sick before I feel drunk. But weed, I could rip 10 joints a day and I'll talk to you just like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get a, I get a little bit of a buzz. That's it. I don't feel, I'll put it this way. I don't feel the version of high that I would drunk if I had 10 drinks. You know what I'm saying? I'm still very much in control myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took a 10 milligram weed mint this morning just to freshen my breath. You know, George Perez? Nothing for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're going to another planet. Oh yeaah man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and see that? I also don't want to do that. You know what I mean? Like I know what I can handle and what I can function with. So yeah, weed is, is, is, is my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yup. Subscribe to my YouTube. Absolutely. Uh, the honeydew podcast, the Patreon is, that community is growing and doing great. I gotta tell you this. Those stories are insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, thank you so fucking much. You know that means the world to me. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't dog it, I don't do 20, 30 minutes, I do an hour, hour plus, and these stories are incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen, I had a guy talk about a drug deal where someone else got blown, their head, their brains got blown onto his face. Uhm, a guy that died in a car crash who came back. People finding out that they're, who they thought was their biological dad is their best friend's dad. Like it's insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before Duba and the hunting stand, his mom died and they, they, he waited out in the woods two days for them to set everything up cause he pushes things down, doesn't want to deal, gets home, goes to the funeral. They take him out to drink and he ends up getting in a fist fight and he doesn't realize he's fighting a mobile police officer and they fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had to go to funeral with bruises and shit all fresh out of jail. And then two years to the day, he goes back hunting again, goes up in that tree stand for good luck. And his uncle dies on the hunting trip at the camp on the other side of the hill. I said, dude, you need a new tree stand. He said, I'll cut the tree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're crazy. Thank you. And it's five bucks a month. I don't do tiers or any of that. It's five bucks a month. You get, you also get now the honeydew and ad free a day early at no additional cost. Everything's five bucks a month. And if you sign up for a year, you get over a month free. There it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Guilford, she played with my son in Little League Baseball. He goes, it is. She goes, god damn it. She calls the police back, cancels it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just let me eat you one time, and you're gonna, I guarantee you, you're gonna, you're gonna ask me to stay to your house. You're gonna, you're gonna sleep for three days, my baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure enough, I tell you, they got a man up above. I can cook for you. Okay. Clean up your house. Remember? Oh, I forgot this prayer. Listen, when you come home, baby, you just gotta jump in, jump, jump in the tub with all them bubbles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Right? I'm going to show you a little maneuver my mother taught me when I was a junior high. Fucking, in my experience, it has a 98% success rate in getting a man's attention and when used appropriately an 83 fucking rate of return on a dinner invitation. It's called the fucking bend and snap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck all that goddamn titty-shakin' and ass-shakin' and takin' thongs off. I'd rather watch goddamn funny dog videos. You goddamn women are out your fuckin' mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little patriotic pride if you're running low on that. Connell will help you out. This is America, you dumb son of a bitch, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes inspiration comes in the form of thought revoking questions. Such as?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So those are our daily affirmations. So the last thing this cube offers is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I wiped them all out and replaced them with a YMH music playlist. I had to upgrade the cube to do one thing, but I'll show you right now and I'll show you what I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Alright. Man. Pretty good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this comment deserves a video. Yes, I do regret my tattoos. Uhm, I'm currently undergoing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went to the tattoo shop, guy asked me if I was sure that I wanted to do this, I said yea, you know, in my head I'm thinking, well I'm gonna be a drug dealer, so why not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never gonna need to, you know, be presentable. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We started, uhm, we started with the web and around my eyes and my nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most painful part of getting my face tattooed was probably my lips and like over here by my ear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The eyes didn't hurt too much. They swelled more than anything. Uhm, I have two sessions, two, four hour sessions in my face. And yeaah, I thought it was cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're supposed to say it because I don't think it was legal. I think I'm kind of past that now because- You're broken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, I sent an email to the email. I'd been a fan for a couple years before I started working here. And then I sent an email. I had been like, you know, kind of freelancing in the film industry, just trying to get any experience that I could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I'd built up a little bit of a resume and then I sent an email to, uh, the YMH email and Nadav saw it.


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[Assistant] And we went out and had coffee and what?


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[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, but I think I'm kind of past that now because-


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[Assistant] Uhm, but yea, that was fun. And, uh, Putin was right at, like, the start of me really prepping drops. I think it was pretty early on. And you were like, holy shit. Yea, it really kinda formed me. Some of the... Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this was the one that I developed that system on. I'm like, I can't look at this. There's no way. Now I'm past it, there's nothing for me now. Really? But, yeah, yeah. What about Oakneel?


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[Assistant] Uhm, and it's pretty gnarly, but again, like, this is maybe my fifth or sixth time watching it, so.


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[Assistant] This one never really bothered me. Even when the, when the, the prolapse part happens? This had been sent in a bunch before we prepped it, and I kind of figured, like, we'd covered prolapses and stuff, I felt like it was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for those of you, uhm, that can't see this because we can't play this on YouTube, it's also from YMHLive3, it's an older gentleman, uhm, he browns on the floor and he sticks a dildo up his ass and has some fun with it and he sucks on it and yeah.


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[Assistant] I am, yeaah. Yeaah, I'm kinda balancing both right now.


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[Assistant] They don't know. Oh, that's nice to know. Yeah.


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[Assistant] You, oh, you think you can, you think you can tell by his voice that he was of what?


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[Assistant] Alright my queen, it's time to get up and you have a good day and call me when you can.


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[Assistant] I love you, my queen. You have a beautiful day.


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[Assistant] It's saying that she's gonna call child protective on me.


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[Assistant] But, you guys need to go on her page and check her out.


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[Assistant] She's right above me. She's kind of a...


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[Assistant] Nobody's allowed to be on my page under 18. By law? And she says she's very uncomfortable watching my videos.


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[Assistant] I have no idea why or what her problem is. My queen's above 18, I love you. You guys have a good night.


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[Assistant] There is a lot of haters out there that's got their little pussies up in a bind.


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[Assistant] I don't care if and buts about it. If I find you on my page and you're under 18, I'm gonna delete you. You might slide by a couple times and tell me you're 18, but once I find out, I'm deleting you.


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[Assistant] You guys are the biggest crybabies on the earth.


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[Assistant] I swear to God, my Queen's Above 18, I love you all.


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[Assistant] It ain't that I'm ignoring you, I cannot post anything on my page or answer any of your questions. They said I was violated or something like that.


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[Assistant] Hell, I didn't even get a dinner or a thank you. Damn, and they violated me? Wow. Well, at least I didn't feel it. Alright, my queens.


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[Assistant] You guys have a beautiful Thanksgiving and I will be back probably Wednesday. I love my Queens Above 18.


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[Assistant] You hold a high honor. You take care of the kingdom while I'm gone.


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[Assistant] Hi mommies and chomos and my queens above 18. This episode was recorded a few weeks ago, uh, before we had an incident where my husband


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was playing basketball against Burt Kreischer and, uh, well, you'll hear the whole story eventually, but basically, he's in the hospital right now, uh, he's doing okay, he's recovering, but this episode was recorded a while back, so you'll notice we don't address the fact that Tommy is in the hospital.


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[Assistant] Okay, enjoy it, and we'll see you soon. Tom, uhm, you had a really neat idea for the waiting room.


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[Assistant] I've been in love with this company for almost a decade now. They have been with your mom's house. They were our first sponsor. Why?


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[Assistant] We wanted a mattress and we were, we didn't have a lot of money and I discovered them. SAA TVA mattress company. And we ordered a king mattress, our very first one, luxury firm, their flagship one.


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[Assistant] And we fell in love. The service was impeccable with Saatva. They deliver it right to your door. They set it up for you. They take away your old mattress for a nominal fee. You can try the mattress for 90 days. If you don't like it, send it back, but I don't think you won't like it.


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[Assistant] And since then, we've slept on every other mattress they've made. We've slept on the Lumenleaf, which we have in our guest room. We love it, the king size one.


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[Assistant] And now we are obsessed with Solaire. The Solaire mattress is amazing. It has two separate compartments so that one of you can be up, one of you can be down. It vibrates. It's got a light on the bottom. I mean, I can't say enough good things.


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[Assistant] So now, because we're in love with them, sotva.com has given us a private URL, sotva.com slash the shit. Go there to buy your next mattress and get $225 off your next purchase. sotva.com slash the shit for $225 off your next sotva mattress. Thank you.


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[Assistant] That's why I changed it to just one letter, cause it is intimidating. I understand why people can't. Pajitski. P-A-Z-S-I-T-Z-K-Y. That's what I knew, I love you.


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[Assistant] Or they use the headshot that's 15 years old from when we first started in comedy.


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[Assistant] I knew a comedian, a female comedian who had um, headshots taken of herself when she was like way young, skinny and like in a bikini and that was her headshot for comedy clubs for the longest time and then, you know, she turned 38, 40.


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[Assistant] Oh, it's terrible, I imagine. Yeah, when you're a model.


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[Assistant] I feel as though you and I are at that level where you're just attractive enough that people aren't repulsed by your presence. Mostly. But you're not.


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[Assistant] It's not your whole existence, your looks, like people aren't always noting how great you are.


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[Assistant] We were having lunch the other day, do you remember? And that gorgeous family walked in and there was this


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[Assistant] This man, and I was just tall as can be, chiseled features, beautiful skin, and I just turned to Tom, and I go, this guy is like beyond even desirable, like he is.


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[Assistant] And the wife and the children are just so gorgeous, I thought.


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[Assistant] He was at the Erawan, and, uh, he's with his children and his wife.


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[Assistant] There was this comedian I toured with in the Middle East, Chris, I don't remember his last name now. He was so funny. At the time I was much thinner than I am now and he's like, ugh, look at you Anna Nicole. Like he was like, I'm like, am I that fat? He's like, oh, you barely fit on the boat. And I'm like, oh, you're kidding.


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[Assistant] I agree that the pressure of being hot and then maintaining your hot, cause I follow Paulina Poroskova on Instagram, and she's doing this thing which I understand the motivation behind.


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[Assistant] It seems noble where she's like, this is me when I wake up in the morning with no makeup on. I'm, you know, 50 whatever years old. Look at my, I love my, and it's like, well, if you really weren't, if it weren't such a problem for you, you probably wouldn't make a big deal out of it.


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[Assistant] He was like, and because you abandoned me, you get nothing. Rick Okasek. That's right. That's how you say it. I don't know how to say his last name. Rick Okasek.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they were together for so many years. They had two children together. And also what I found is that if a model makes a child with just like an unattractive rockstar, their offspring is not as pretty as like two, two mildly attractive people.


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[Assistant] Jeff Bezos, you mentioned that, oh, she's 54, so you mentioned that Jeff Bezos' second wife is 50. And I was like, that's so rad.


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[Assistant] Can you make this bigger? Look at Paulina, I mean she's gorgeous still. Stop it. This guy, he's an older guy, right? Genetic freaks, yea.


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[Assistant] You think he wants her to pee on his face and stuff?


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[Assistant] You're in? Yes. It is sterile, you can drink it. And everybody wants it.


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[Assistant] Paulina's PBI, she's so gorgeous. Remember like back in the day in the 80s, 90s, she was so gorgeous. Yes. Look, she's maintained.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah. That's genetics, homie. But you don't want to be that attractive. I argue that it's too much. Too much. Cause I need the pressure to maintain it.


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[Assistant] And Cindy Crawford too, and her kid's actually really cute. Well no, he got a face tattoo. But before that, he was modeling for like Gucci or some shit. I mean, she's stunning too.


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[Assistant] I agree. And I, look, Instagram model is legit and you can make a lot of money. Sure. But unless a company hires you.


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[Assistant] Are you, uh, uh, six feet tall?


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[Assistant] You're not in LA, or a New York tent. I'm gonna go even bigger, cause I would say, I would argue that New York City has even more, the women are like, stunning. Look, there's the fashion industries there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] L.A., we've got people that are like personal trainers who also are very attractive, but they're not.