[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I always say too, I always say this to women, if they ever saw my dick and they thought it was small, I would always tell them, by the way, it gets smaller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen this thing where I'm like, it looks like a toddler's dick. Whenever you go to, for some reason, whenever you walk into like a medical facility, if you're getting a physical, your dick like just like hides. It hides on top of your balls. And it's like, can anyone see me? It's so small. So wild. Yeah, it's so wild. And then there's days where it's just like, you yourself see it and you're like, wow, this thing's like flapping around today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well from what I, the only thing that I, well there's basically three types. I feel like there's people who are like, don't touch my balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she was, uh, that was like an Uruguayan accent. She was like, sufri, sufri sangri. I could do that for a living. She was like kicking him and there was blood pouring out and it was, it was not a cheat kind of shot. It was real. She was pulling, aggressive, stepping onto my heels. I'm real dark-sided.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't have to be. No, I know, but I'm saying, but that's the thing. OnlyFans now though, has like, there's like superstars who are doing completely non-sexual stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're raising, you're raising the value of the ticket. There's production value, there's entertainment, it's fun, and it's a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Haven't yet. Listen, you gotta check out Girls Gotta Eat podcast. See them on tour. They're currently doing the Girls Gotta Eat Snack City tour. And of course, you can get yourself a sex toy. Their sex toy company is called Vibes Only. Uh, is there anything else you wanna plug?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hyper-focused when this is in and then you're like, hm, when it comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a fat athlete. I can never find a single one my size. It's either a men's or custom made. Either way can never find shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And even though it's a binary term, it's what feels the warmest and softest to me. I tried on other terms like dad and poppy, but none of them felt right quite like papa does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And even though I'm non-binary, I still sometimes refer to myself as a seahorse dad. I got to give birth to my baby, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's a- Oh, seahorses males give birth? That's what that is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I hate you so much. You're the fucking worst. That does not make me a mom or a mother. I'm simply a papa who got to give birth. I will say this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We come in all shapes and sizes, brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you gay? I'm gay. I didn't know you were gay! Yea, well I just told you. How did you become gay? One doesn't become gay, one is born that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since some businesses don't want us being completely barefoot, if we cut off the bottom of our shoes, it'll allow us to be barefoot but blend in with everyone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, hey, guess what, I wore kind of a goth outfit for you today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like, you know, I've been feeling my goth vibes. And you always tell me I dress like an HR lady. So I wanted to come in and show you what I'm capable of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? It's cool. Thanks. I appreciate that. This color is very deep blood red.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, if I become a vampire, do you want me to change you into one too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I feel like I've lived about ten lifetimes with the shit that I've already done. So I'm done, I'm good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think we just returned to that big consciousness. Thanks. This is Heather, everybody. Thank you. I'll trade you. I've got, she got me coffee. She's so sweet and so thin. Good job, Heather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like the flight attendants, uh, until very recently had to weigh in and you're like, well, yeah, that's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's got the hottest flight attendants left? Like what, I think Virgin used to make an effort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been, I've taught Tom some Hungarian code words over the years so that we can speak about people in public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But think about it, Tom. If you're gonna be a gay flight attendant,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you're in different cities every night. You could bang so many dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think a lot of them bang the pilots. I bet you pilots fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the uniform. I tell ya, when I'm walking through the aeropuerto,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Spanish. And I see a gent, the, the pilot's walking. I'm like, Oh, there's a man of authority. Sure. It's very exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, little butts, big butts. Uhm, I find that heterosexual men generally don't care about the butt smells. They're gonna get in there anyways. Yeah. Yeah. Right? Don't you guys kind of don't give a shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit of a whiff isn't gonna like, deter you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh, you know, I keep thinking about from like two weeks back now is, um, Bobby, the guy that would just walk up to the truck driver and be like, can I suck your dick? And I was like, wow, that's so bold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's, no, your honor, I'm thinking it's different. Let me tell you, because I'm thinking it now from Bobby's perspective. I'm really trying to get inside this man's head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost like, uh, yea, like he mumbled something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, just very, just throws it out there, right? Yeah. Blacks and the Jews. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See you later. Just like, so matter of fact, shuffles back down the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't even imagine what universe I would walk up to as total stranger and be like, may I lick your genitals? Can I lick your genitals? It's fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dudes. Dudes. Dudes. Dudes kill. Dudes lick each other's genitals. Unsolicited. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, by the way, just shows. Look at the shoes. That is, down to the shoes, the detail, the pants are even cut the same, the shirt's the same. It just goes to show how we're all connected, right? We're talking about our minds are connected, you guys are related. We're related, yeaah. So that's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Robert. You know what's funny? I just saw a red band's comment. It just says, K.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, ham sandwich and then, okay, what did he regret to see to? Cousin, you killed it. That's crazy that you guys were. What are the chances that of all the outfits, even down to the shoes, it is spooky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know when you were 23 or like Tom's 33, you just always looked old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta do it like Kenny Rogers did, look young. You gotta pull it way back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely. You know what he does do because he always looks very dewy in his apartment. He, he, he, it's like a sauna in there. It's good for your skin. Yeah. Saunas are good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so no, so I was at the playground with the kids.


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[Assistant] Well, of course, my superpowers, I'm a fuckin' lunatic, I observe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm on the playground and everybody's a fucking dud. Usually everyone's tired and everyone's just, you know, misery. Cause it's the playground and it's never fun being out with your kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sitting there on the bench and I see this like really good looking, like hot dad, very few hot dads, very few hot dads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Or most of the time dads in general, like on the playground, it's usually women. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I look, he's all tatted, and he's in really good shape, and he looks like a skater, and I'm like, I wonder if that guy is a skateboarder, he looks kind of familiar, da da da, and I'm like trying to figure it out. So he's next to me, he's pushing his kid on the swing, I'm pushing my kid on the swing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I forget how I talked to him. I'm like, okay. Oh, so I'm just honest with him. I'm like, hey, can I, can I, uhm, can I guess your life? Sometimes I just ask people in public, can I guess your life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like what? And I'm like, I'm a comedian. I like to imagine what people's lives are like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, I just want to guess your life. Is that cool? And he's like, yeah, I can tell he's into it. He's a creative looking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew that by the tats and the outfit. And I go, are you like a skateboarder?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or something like kind of reckless and creative like that. And he's like, mm, no. And we've, I know I think I deduce what he is. The guy's he's, he's a music video guy. So he's in the creative field.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I see the wife and I'm like, and that's your wife. And I look over and it's just kind of like, okay, like kind of uninspiring. Just like, just like a regular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Broad. Like not, like a little bit this way. His looks are like, he's like eight or nine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, four, four, four, four, four. Fine, fine, fine! Shit! Look, I'm working on- Two or three is a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Better scales for looks. Let's be honest. Okay. LA model scales. Any hoodles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Like people are just generally, it attracts models and actors for a reason. Like that's where they all go. So anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's kinda, and I'm just like, the attire's kinda boring, she's kinda droll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of course she's getting nervous cause I'm talking to her husband. I'm like, don't worry, I'm married and I'm not interested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, in so many ways. Yeah. I'm like, look, I saw your husband is very lovely. I'm just guessing his life. Can I guess your life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, yeah, and I'm like, you are some kind of an accountant of some sort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, well kind of, yea, I have a business and da da da da da. So then I, so I get the full story and then I see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you nailed it, cause it's very rare, it's usually the hot girl with the guy who's not as good looking, but maybe he's got a lot of money, maybe he's got a huge cock, maybe he's a pilot, maybe he's in prison, but he can draw, like those kind of things that make a man an asset. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She snagged him in college and that's how you do it. So ladies, get your hot on the glow up guy in college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's trapped with you. Like me. Yeah, like you. Oh, you're totally glow up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much better now. It's so unfair because you can become like a hot dad and then my stock just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever dude, it's cool. I don't care. I actually, I don't care. And what's interesting is that women, the more we age, we become like men and then men become more like women. You get that low T stuff that I like so much. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we become more zero fucks given because our...


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[Assistant] Women are like, get away from me. I just want to live in the forest with 10 dogs and just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I don't, I don't know, maybe I will be in menopause, I doubt it. I think my pussy's gonna dry up and you just, you turn into a man and you don't wanna have sex. But this is why I want to buy. This is my idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'm just going to invite like all my favorite female friends and we just age together. I'm not going to get remarried. I'm not going to, I'm going to get like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bunch of dogs. That's it. I'm going to invite my best friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the golden girls. Like I really like that way of aging. Like, like I said, but you have to be out of the picture. I'm not gonna remarry. I don't want no fucking boyfriends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I've learned too, in the course of this show, is that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Are you a thick girl with nice feet? You want to squirt? You like guys in prison?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we don't, we'll put up with all of it. Just as long as you're nice to us. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, you can't play this game like it happens tomorrow. Cause now you got your looks and your money, you can only have one. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, if we're gonna play this game right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a lot of people are going to Latin America to get their teeth done too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause my dad, by the way, my dad, so my dad around retirement age was looking for the third world retirement plan as well, which is what this is essentially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not going to like you. Yeah. Yeah. You need to be done. So then here's the deal, but here's the, what they don't think about. And here's what my dad didn't really consider either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. Yea, no, he works out. He's in the gym. Uhm, or the other thing people are doing is retiring on cruise ships and just cruising around the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my dad, yeah, he didn't end up aging in a third world country. He just married like abroad from, where's my mom from now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then, uh, yeah, they live, they live somewhere obscure here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh I always thought my dad should teach a seminar or have a reality show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should be the, he should be the center of the room's attention, but not the world. That's not his steeze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, actually too, interesting, Your Honor, we should bring this up. Now, a while ago, I mentioned the story at the supermarket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I channeled my mother's anti-social rage at the guy who thought the car was idling too loud and it worked to my benefit. Recently, I channeled my father's anti-social behavior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I fucking liked it. So, we had some visitors come by on a Sunday, the Lord's Day, right, with their little baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was just tired, dude. I'm a mom, I work, I'm over it. And anyway, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad, when I used to go visit him, even when I was an adult, even as a child, he would do this. Uhm, you'd be visiting with him and then suddenly he would just get up, excuse himself, and take a nap. Sometimes for hours. You'd be like, where's my dad? Like, he's just sleeping in the middle of the day. Uhm, I thought it was very rude growing up until I tried it. And I have to say that I really loved getting up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When our company was over and just getting up and taking a nap and then I came back I was happy as a clam. You didn't think so?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the coolest part about our friends is that they were like, Oh good. Was it a good nap? And that's when I realized they're going to be our friends for life because a real G


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, your real homies are like, I get it girl, go nap, I'll chill with your husband. It's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Um, but my dad, I felt that was very rude cause I didn't see him very often. And then he was drinking like 10 or 12 beers before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy's right this whole time. That's hilarious. Oh, fuck him. He still sucks. He's still a goddamn goblin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but I think I am becoming more comfortable with being rude and just like that, like taking naps when I'm tired and like, dude, I'm tired. Thumbs up, man. Very proud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm embracing, listen, I'm just saying I'm embracing the qualities of my father that I find to be positive. Self care, self care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think I've been a people pleaser more of my life than not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if this was like a brilliant marketing campaign from Nair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is education, Tom. People are paying for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is free. Dude, I would hate for our kids to stumble on this motherfucker. I'd be like, wait, what did you see Alice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, for people listening, can you tell them what we're watching?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, a woman's finger is way smaller than a dude's finger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I say something? If I could wear gloves and we could get, get that guy to spread your balls up like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause how come there's no shin on that woman's finger? Cause the guy's clean. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so afraid of my asshole. Annie, I feel like you and I are on the same page here. I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not into shitting the bed. I agree. It's like, that is not sexualized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'll finger your ass if I can wear latex gloves. I don't think- Fine! Why don't we do it on the next YMH Live? I'll finger your ass. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so awful. This is so awful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean look, I know women, I know a very good friend of mine, she's been married a million years, and she does this for her husband all the time, well she, she, she says it, she fingers at his asshole and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a lot. Now I know, now I know when we were in Recita,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were like, I leave the office, I go get my chicken wings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was actually depressed the next day. I was at my house and I was like, why do I feel sad? This is weird. And I was really sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, since 2016, since the birth of our first child, but you were like our first retarded son. We do have a lot of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is your podcast, so you're gonna comment, so you're gonna do like a review of what's being said in the podcasting world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but, okay, so OnlyFans, I really think you should consider, and cameo. I think you might have a good window of like, a few months of like, really ripping some cameos. Happy birthday, Alicia!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You bring great energy, great vibe, great laughter. You're, you're, we just love you so much. And, um, wishing you the best. And you can see Nadav on OnlyFans, jacking his dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look for other stuff. Maybe in the next video there's people getting hurt the way you like or maybe gay dudes talking about dick stuff. I don't know. Try it out. Maybe there's always someone for everybody. Just look in these cubes. Squares. Whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm an Irish family, so we're an immigrant family, uhm, moved in 1970. Well, I mean everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're allowed to be there. Well, no, I was born in England, but, uh, Irish family from Limerick. Okay, okay. Which is, Limerick is, it's colloquially known as Stab City. It's quite a rough town. Wow. Yeah, it's, uh, it's pretty, pretty, uh, pretty rough out there. So you'll probably find some great videos of Limerick. Well, you know what's funny is that I was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mother had a relative who was only known as Tess of the Mountains. Tess of the Mountains. I remember her son coming to visit us and these hands like shovels. Yeaah. I remember they bought like a litre.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. Uh, diggin' turf. Don't forget your shovel if you want to go to work. There's a great singer called Kristy Moore who's, who kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, he's quite a legend in Ireland. Kristy Moore's worth looking at if you love the Irish accent. And a beautiful songwriter. Very akin to country music, like it's real stories in the music. And there's a comedian who I think pound for pound might be, he's certainly in the top 10 greats working in the world today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such a weird thing because of the state of technology when those countries were formed, the accents change every 20 miles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, broadly speaking, we have class in Great Britain, and you have race in America. Although, I kind of think that they're, you know, I think it's, I slightly think it's a, the rich and poor thing says more than race.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's sort of the first reality TV. But it was like, it was done, there's one called The Family as well, which is really worth checking out, which is the first ever piece of Fly on the Wall. It's a family in Reading, and they follow them and they just go to their house and watch them. And it's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Extraordinary. Like as a piece of like, it's like an hour, two hours documentary. And the family. They'd never done it before. They'd never put the Kardashian style cameras all around the place and just filmed the family being a family. And it's really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there is a theory on this, which is interesting, which is uhm, they did a thing at Harvard, where they basically took a small subset of the class doing MBAs, which are notoriously very difficult. If you know someone that did one, you know, because they will have fucking told you. They'll tell you. More than CrossFitters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So at Harvard, they did this thing where they got this small group of people to write what they were going to do with their lives, to make a plan. And they did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, by any metric, 90% better than anyone else. So it's that thing of like, being watched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes a difference. Wow. Like the idea that if you go, right, we're going to make a plan with the kids. What do you want to do? And sitting down and talking and that attention and focus and making a plan makes a huge difference to the rest of your life. So that thing of like, the thing they don't teach you at Harvard Business School is to make a plan for your life rather than just to let things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You make things happen or things happen to you. But aren't you also saying that being watched? Being watched makes a huge difference. So if you say on this show, right, we're doing a thing in December, we're doing a live Your Mama's House experience. It's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you say, right, we're doing that and we're going to do it, or if you're, I mean, my idea for you, I'm not your business manager, I think your divorce should be paid per view.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do a thing, I had a friend that owned a gym in New York and models, uh, got free membership.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that theory of, have you ever heard that theory of uhm, it's in, what's it called, the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Warren Farrell, who's the guy that wrote the myth of male power.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of a little bit toxic masculinity, the book, or it's used for that, but it's got really interesting ideas in it. It's that he's the guy that came up with the thing of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the dangerous jobs, name a dangerous job, ice road chucker. Sure. Uh, ditch digger, like, yeah, yeah. Longshoreman, whatever. Anything you could get hurt doing is done by men because their lives are worth less. I don't quite buy into the whole thing, but he had this great theory in the book, which is, um, genetic celebrity where super beautiful people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they get to see everything. It's a really interesting story of like they go, Oh, I'm becoming, I've bought this invisibility cloak of wrinkles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy. There's a, there's a, like a book about this? This guy, Warren Farrell, The Myth of Male Power, but I wouldn't particularly recommend the book because I think it's kind of, it's a bit alt-righty and whatever, but I quite like reading those things that are outside of your sort of frame. Oh, that's an important book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, meeting Brad Pitt, I met Brad Pitt and Angelina once, and I'm a straight guy. I'm European everyone, if you're wondering. European can often be conflated with gay in America, I find. They go, they go, yeah, but he's smoked a few cocks, right? He sounds very English. No, not at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Benjamin Button is a documentary. Yeaah. Right? Yeaah. He's been around forever. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's good, he's a cab driver, so he's very garrulous, very talkative. I mean, maybe slightly more so with me, but I think he just enjoys it. That thing of like being a cab driver is a pretty great job. If you treat it right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In London. So it was that thing of like, if you were bright and you wanted to make money, you did the knowledge. So you learn, you have to learn every single street of London. You're examined by police officers. Like there was these three retired police officers that examined you and gave you like, shit talk to you and gave you a fucking tough time. Cause they were testing not just your knowledge, but your demeanor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know anything about the history of London? Oh. Most of them do another thing where they learn a bit about the history, or they'll just know. Wow. You'll go, well, you tell me a little bit about- And this is, you're waving down the cabs? Yeah, waving down, and they've got an app where you can free now, where you can get it on an app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit. But they've done that work, so book them. You know who else has done that work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. Kehlani is, have you been to Kehlani? No. The Ring of Kerry done that whole thing? Jesus, it's nice. It's so nice. Really? Yeah, cause you can tour. People don't realise, I was saying that earlier, if you go beyond the pale, beyond Dublin, uhm, the world of Ireland, like there's so many towns where you can just go and put on a show. I mean, Cork is incredible.


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[Assistant] I think it's a weird thing where, uh, I was talking about this the other day, like a great tragedy in life. Some people live and die and never get to hear their own voice.


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[Assistant] And stand up comedy, when you, when you think about it, it's like you finding your voice. Who are you on stage? Tells you an awful lot about you. And you kind of, I think comics leak. Like I just tell jokes on stage, dumb jokes. I very rarely tell a true story. We've got one true story in the new show that I'm touring, which will be the next Netflix, but the, it's mainly just jokes. And yet I leak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And afterwards you get a real sense of, yeah, that's who they are. I bet they'd be like, yeah, great. It's a great way to describe it too, is to leak. You're leaking out who you are. It's like, I've seen your specials, right? You watch people and you kind of go, I mean, obviously there's nowhere to hide when it's a podcast, when it's this long and this much chat, but just watching the standup, I've got a really good take on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I like that thing about not having any, it strikes me that what you do, especially on the podcast, but really live as well, is you've got the barrier between who you are,


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[Assistant] We're letting people go in our heads and we're going in their bodies. We're changing their physiology. We're changing their vagus nerve is like.


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[Assistant] Like, we're changing it. They're laughing, they're releasing dopamine and serotonin and they feel fucking great after the show. They do. And it's performative, right? Yes. Being in an audience is performative. We think we're the only ones performing because we're dummies. There's that thousand, two thousand people out there and they're all performing.


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[Assistant] Whether it's a tiny club or a huge arena, it's all good. And that thing about like comedy, I don't think it's about edgy versus non-edgy because I think mainstream comedy, observational comedy, the stuff that Jerry Seinfeld does has changed


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it kind of comes to the mainstream. We're always slightly ahead of the curve and pushing it, pushing it, pushing it, and giving people the language where they can sweeten the pill. You laugh about it a little bit as you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you go, there's no gatekeeper, right? Stand up, there's no gatekeeper. If you have a gatekeeper, then you can get cancelled. But without a gatekeeper, you just go, no, no, this is, this is what free speech sounds like. As long as we're broadcasting, everyone can speak freely and disagree. And the idea of like, if you want to see where power is, who can't you criticize?


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[Assistant] It's Voltaire. Fancy. Voltaire, first mention on the show.


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[Assistant] They are just so fucking far behind. The guy's trying to go, what words can, look, Carlin did this in the 70s, right? The words you can't say on television. He hit this early. And the idea, you go, the medium is the message.


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[Assistant] The medium of podcasting, the medium of stand-up comedy is total fucking freedom. And why are people drawn to that? We're having a golden age of comedy at the moment. Comedians are filling arenas in a way that bands aren't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because bands are being fucked by the businesses. So you don't have to buy the album anymore. You, you listen to the single and then the algorithm tells you what the big song is. And you just listen to that. And there's this, there's this great quote, uhm, oh, he said it, you know,


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[Assistant] It's going to be like turning on a tap, turning on music. He said that in the nineties. So right. And then Jarvis Cocker from Pulp said music's going to become like a scented candle. And it often is, even if you love music, I fucking adore new music. I listen to everything and.


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[Assistant] Sometimes you put on a playlist and you don't know who's singing. It's a great song, I love this song. Don't know who it was, don't know who created it. I could sit next to them in a bar, I wouldn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bit disappointed, but I'm 20 bucks in, so I guess I'm listening again. And then by the third time you go, I dunno, I kinda like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When was the last time you saw a real movie as opposed to something with goodies and baddies?


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[Assistant] What was that? So, if he's there, the bigger question, if he's there, where are the teeth? No!


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[Assistant] That does seem crazy. Yeah, it does, yeah. Uhm, I don't know, I mean, I don't know, I don't know anything about his mother. I don't know about any, anything about her interest sexually in bullfrogs, but.


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[Assistant] There's definitely a connection, isn't there? There's definitely something going on. What is going on? Yeah, it started very well. The first three sentences, absolutely no problem. Yeah, no problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had friends from the North of England that had like problems getting booked in North America or like chatting about getting something away and they're, I don't know if people already go for your accent. Like people don't know Peter Kay here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Uh, and they don't know John Bishop, don't they? Or. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Peter Kay is probably the biggest comic, biggest selling comic in the UK. No shit. Yeah. He's doing like, uh, an arena tour where he does an arena every Friday, Saturday, Saturday, Sunday night, uh, for three years.


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[Assistant] Three years? Yeah, three years. 15,000 seater, twice a week for three years. Peter? Peter K. People don't know him outside. And he's northern. Can you look it up? But then you watch Game of Thrones. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everyone's got a fucking northern accent. Yeah. And then you watch Lord of the Rings. Everyone's got a northern accent. This is Peter Kay. This is Peter Kay. Alright, Peter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a very nice guy. Jesus Christ. He's the biggest comic in the UK. By some margin, I would say ticket sales wise. Really?


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[Assistant] I remember once playing, uh, I did a gig at Buckingham Palace and it was like for the Jubilee. So it's like 250,000 people in front of you and then a lot more people watching. So, and the Queen is there. Like she's in my eye line. And I say, look, everyone backstage is, is really nervous because we're going to meet royalty later on. And.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hilarious. And then five hours later, we're backstage at like, we're not backstage, we're in Buckingham Palace having a drinks thing. And I get a tap on my shoulder and it's Prince William. And he goes, Mr. Carr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very sweet, but the reason for that story is, we're walking back afterwards and I'm with Ed Sheeran, who I know a little bit, and we, actually there's a couple of stories here, I'll tell you royal stories. So we're walking back to the palace and Ed Sheeran goes, this house is fucking amazing. How much money has the Queen got?


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[Assistant] A curtain call at the end. So this is where it gets to. So we have to do a curtain call and they're singing the national anthem. Very patriotic. Uhm, and we're walking back on the stage and Stevie Wonder is just ahead of us with his hand on his guy. And he goes, I don't know this fucking song. And I go, it's on prompt. It's on auto queue.


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[Assistant] What a guy. Wow. What a guy. I didn't realise until recently Stevie Wonder was, you know, the happy birthday song. Happy birthday is about Martin Luther King. And that was part of the, um, he was part of the whole movement to have MLK day. I didn't realise he was such a huge part of that. No, I didn't.


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[Assistant] I think they're surrounded by those people, right? Just those posh, I guess. It's just the poshest accent.


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[Assistant] It's strange with the British accent more because there's certain, like, uh, like spellings of things that are there to catch you out. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, man wearing is mannering and there's kind of-


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[Assistant] It was Grace Jones singing in a hula hoop. Uh huh. It was crazy. I mean, it was a crazy kind of afternoon, but yeah, they, you know, be a professional. Also, if you want to be a badass, don't take the gig.


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[Assistant] Charles is like a genuinely kind of a polymath, if you meet him.


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[Assistant] He knows an awful lot. Okay, so he's been at a lunch and a dinner every day of his adult life, right? Since he was, whatever, a kid. I heard he skips a meal to stay thin. He does, yeah. But his thing of like going, uh, he sat next to the most interesting guy in the room at every dinner. Right. That's cool. So his breadth of knowledge.


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[Assistant] It's kind of like that thing of like, he just talk about anything and he goes, oh yeah, I know a little bit about that. And he was so far ahead of the curve.


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[Assistant] Uh, in terms of going, it's very rare to have an Irish guy this, this pro-royalist, but he was so far ahead of the group in terms of like non-GM and being good to the environment and, you know, all these kinds of talking to plants. He was kind of viewed as a joke in the eighties and seventies talking about the environment all the time, which we know about the environment and things, but he runs a, I mean, he's a farmer really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Harry? Yeah. Harry! I don't know how well that-


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[Assistant] It seems very, I mean it's my joke about her, I think it's a pretty good joke. I said Meghan Markle is of course a lifelong feminist, which she's demonstrated by marrying a prince and giving up her job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sure. I mean, the big thing Harry's done, which is brilliant, is the Invictus Games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is this thing with injured servicemen where it's a bit like their Paralympics, but specifically for servicemen and giving them kind of a platform where they can perform physically and compete and it's pretty fucking awesome. But Invictus is from the Latin, not a victim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're not a fucking victim. What are you talking about?


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[Assistant] What? Like, whinging about, I can't get police protection when I come back to Britain or something. Man, cry me a river.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I mean, listen, I wish them well. I hope he has a great life and I hope he has a great life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got a whole bit about in the show about, uh, the sometimes, sometimes in life, you, um, you have to apologize for what you want to say is fuck you. And there's a phrase for that. I'm sorry you feel that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you mean, they know what you mean, they can't touch you for it. I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry if what I said made you feel a certain way too. I'm sorry if what I said that was entirely fine made you feel like a dick. American Airlines, you fucking cunt.


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[Assistant] What do you wanna put in their place? Because there is like a ceremonial role where someone kind of sketchy can come and visit the country.


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[Assistant] Okay, so I did a thing in Dublin, I recorded a Netflix special there, and the crowd was so hot, like the crowd was on their feet clapping as you walk on.


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[Assistant] And I thought I need to take a little bit of heat out of this crowd. I've got them at a 10. I need them at a 7 for a course, 7-8 for a course. They can't be clapping on everything. So here's how I took them out. I said, uh, I said, uh, you know, I don't know a lot about Irish politics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just think we should have one island united and they're on their feet and going fucking nuts. One island united under British rules.


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[Assistant] And I thought it's just going to be ex-pat British guys. And it was 90% French. And it was fantastic.


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[Assistant] He's fucking great. He's a guy, you know, Peter Carey or Tommy Jenner that wouldn't be very well known here. He's like a guy in the UK. No one's heard of Ron White.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was like- I find that thing of like the more obscure place you go as well. Yeah. That's so weird. Like if you play in New York, I'm doing Carnegie Hall later in the year, and they'll have a great time. Yeah. But everyone at that show had other options that night. They had 50 options. So many great options, right? They're like, okay. They could have gone to the Knicks game. I genuinely want to go, thanks for being here. But sometimes when I play Budapest, they go, you're very lucky to have me here. Yeah. There's nothing else going on this week. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Burned him up. That's the beginning of it. I don't think he had another day of his life where he wasn't, uhm, out of his mind on painkillers. That's true. And he had the same thing Trump had. He had, uhm, what's it called? A, uh, scout production.


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[Assistant] That's Trump's hair. Why is Trump's hair weird? So what'd they do with the scalp production? So Michael Jackson had the top of his hair burnt off there, right? By the Pepsi commercial. So uhm, other sodas are available. So they put a balloon under your scalp and they blow up your scalp for like, so you look like something from Saturday Night Live, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they cut, it's one of the most painful things you can get done. They can cut the middle bit of skin out and then they sew that bit to that bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are leaner, right? Cause you look so lean. I got really, uhm, yeaah, I got like fitter since having kids.


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[Assistant] What have I done to myself? And you go, I'm not fit enough. Yeah. It's like a half rack and loads of metformin. That's what I'd recommend.


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[Assistant] I think about, uh, uh, one and a half and four. It's amazing. I mean, it's tickets to the great show on earth. I love it. I don't want to get boring about it, but no, we love talking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeah, that's, that's a lot to take in.


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[Assistant] Yeah, sure, sure. I had it done by this guy at the Maitland Clinic called Ed Balls, who's really good. It's kind of interesting getting a hair transplant because the gag that I had about it was, so what they do, people imagine there's a donor.


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[Assistant] People imagine that you're, you're waiting by the phone for a call saying there's a guy from BTS, he's been in a motorcycle crash. He's got an incredible quiff. You've got to get down here. You've got to get down. Yeah. But they, so they take the hair from around the back there. We've got loads of hair and then they replant it where you need it, like up the front. So it works. The downside is, you know, that sensation you get where the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I got everything done. My dentist described it as a mouth-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That looks crazy. Yeaah, that looks crazy. But that's a weird thing of like, there's a theory on medicine. Who gets the best healthcare? Yeaah. People in the middle. Maybe upper middle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the world. Very richest people, very poorest people get the worst medical care. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Right. The dentist wouldn't have done that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although we say, I mean there's that, that one there looks like, the one on the right there, the tube side by side, pop that up. That looks like a taxidermy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go through these, make em, make em full size, cause we gotta let the people at home see these. Okay, so, okay, it's my first time doing taxidermy, and I think I did great, you can tell what it is. Do you like what I made you? You know it ain't a snake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, before I show you this, I want to manage expectation. It's, listen, they're not live animals anymore, but honestly, I think this was your pet lion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the guy that did my hair actually, Ed Balls, who's a great guy. And he became a hair surgeon because he was, he worked as a plastic surgeon for, you know, 25 years and went, ah, it's kind of not bringing me happiness because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone comes in, they've had a car crash and I've got to do facial reconstruction surgery. He's got a great eye. And it's God's work. I mean, it's beautiful to bring back someone's face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's not the same. It'll never be the same again. It's a new life and I'm gonna walk you through this and it's gonna be okay.


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[Assistant] It's very crazy. It's very weird. Whatever it is, it doesn't work. He dropped his eyes. There's also, I would say, there's a happy medium where more needs to be done here. Yeah, sure. This, this is not done. I mean, don't do that, but meet us halfway. It's a visual medium. Lower blefs are probably next, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, because your whole, I think I can kind of get away with it. Maybe I can't, but your whole thing. What are you selling?


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[Assistant] Authenticity and charm. You get up on stage and you tell us about your life. You're so open. You're so you. It just feels like you could do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But people love you as is. When you dropped the weight, I think it was really interesting because people really felt like it was, like this guy didn't get his money right. This guy just got his life together and we were on the journey with you. And it was really interesting. It's like, it felt like you brought people with you. So if you want to, if it's good for you, then do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the idea of like the Kardashians going on? What are you talking about? Like that thing of, it's so unfair to the people though on Instagram, especially the young girls, the young boys going, I aspire to that body. Why can't I get there? Well, if you're honest about what you did, then it becomes a different thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they did in some guy in China, you ever hear this story? There's a guy in China that sued his wife. So he married this girl, met this girl, married her, had a baby. And the baby's ugly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a weird thing now where people go into plastic surgeons don't even bring a picture of the Kardashians. They bring a picture of themselves from Instagram with a filter on it. That's crazy. I pretend to look online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you get this weird thing where people haven't even got FOMO for other people's lives. They've got FOMO for how their life looks because Instagram is the highlights reel and life is a bloopers reel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My plastic surgeon's pretty great. I go see my plastic surgeon, he goes, nope. Anything I ask him about, he goes, nah, we're not doing that. What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then he will, anything I ask him about, he goes, I asked him about, uh, bucceal, is it bucceal fat reduction?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, when that down the line, everyone age 50 goes, I need you to get the fat back in there. And it doesn't look as good when you put it back in because that's what ages you. Wow. Your face will hollow out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a lovely thing actually, and I think that thing about like, comics don't like, the great thing about the comedy Mothership here in Austin or whatever, that thing about having a great club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it puts you in the audience seat. Sure. And then you go, oh right, when I see, oh that's gonna be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where was yours taped? Where was Sledgehammer taped?


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[Assistant] You're like the one guy. I often do a thing where I do a heckle amnesty where I go, we haven't had enough from you tonight, just bring it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, okay. But that's not always the case. Well sometimes you get a heckle and it's something aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you treat it like a, like a, a customer inquiry. Yeah. Treat it like you work at the, the local rental place and there's a complaint. Sorry, what's going on here, sir? Your evening's not working out the way you wanted it. What's happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, there's something you could do. So there's a bunch of that stuff online that I've done. I just really like it. I like the thing of like, asking a comedian to do an hour of comedy with no script is like asking a magician to do real magic. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The heckle bit, you go, people can sort of see you stretching a different muscle. And if you keep the cadence, the rhythm of it, the same as your written material, it's got a real kind of, uh, it just kind of sucks with people. I love it. I love when people join in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I really, oh well, it's very kind of you, but the, um, it's very enjoyable as well. Cause it's that thing of like 250 dates on the year. Like you want to keep the show fresh. You want to make it feel like it's different every night. That and new stuff every night is my rule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I love that when you're in a new town where you go, hey, what is it with the cameras here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's live. You're not watching this on Netflix. This is the, you come out, you bought a ticket, like slightly the rugged. Why do you want to see a band live?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This shows, I mean, it really is fantastic.


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[Assistant] I think doing those on the regular, because I know it was the pandemic and people couldn't get out to anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But realistically, even if you're both playing big shows or on a tour, most people that listen can't get out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I started to op- I remember this. I started to open my eyes and think so that people wouldn't think that, you know, I was normal or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, what are you, what are you doing here? She goes, oh, I, I know the guys. You know the guys in the floor? Yeah, they let me stay here and all that stuff. Well, why do they let you stay here and, and the other cheerleaders know? Well, I, I blew the team. You blew the team? All of them? She goes, uh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi Joe, hi. He goes, well that's ridiculous. They're all there waving at you and smiling. Do you want to say anything to them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what you're trying to say is, I appear to be thinking in feminine ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think I think like me. Oh, I understand that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wouldn't. Sorry, I think we're talking past each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The people who can confirm this are the younger guys who are going for the older women who are apparently called cougars. These are facts. These are just facts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there's more, sorry. So you have just, they've just, they've just realized that that's where the cool is. Yes, but now the problem is, the men who are supposed to be viewing this older, mature woman as that seductive woman who has endless passion and taste, they have a different perception. They called her my wife, mother of my children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what happens to a lot of African men when they go down that road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how it goes? My limo is late. People complain a lot. Yes. A lot of complaints. Thank you for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to rate cakes from most comfortable to sit on to least comfortable to sit on. I want to say that I'm not encouraging people to do this, I'm a professional. My very favorite is a big fat cheat cake, specifically vanilla frosting because chocolate frosting looks a little weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No writing, no designs, nothing in the middle, that is my favorite. Cake to sit on? Sometimes when there's ice cream inside it's nice, but usually I prefer no ice cream. Great sitting cake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My second favorite is a swiss roll, but it has to be one like this, like smooth and one that's long ways, and I like the pink ones the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing calms me down quite like a plug, okay? Like I have the worst ADHD so I will walk around my house half finishing a million tasks, but if I put a plug in and try and go do those tasks, I'm completing them in half the time, I'm completing them in record speed, and I have tunnel vision and focus the entire time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this one's fun because it has a handle if you really need some grip. But don't fall asleep with one in because I did that once and it was a big mistake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm, look man, I'm pro whatever makes you comfortable. And if that's what makes you comfortable, I think that's- But you are pro black. Very cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was wondering, do you have any good recommendations for sports straps? Yea, there's a strap, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, trans people that can give babies, I think that's a miracle, that's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, cuz my prescription upgraded so I just got new friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's just hoppin' from, from one, from one to another.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's tagging him and calling him bestie. We're not sure of the exact relation. Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's, uh, uh, we were recording some two bears, uh, the other day and, uh, Burt connected me with Jesse Itzler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talked to him on the phone for 30 minutes last night. Yeah. And after talk, he's like, so what do you think man? Like, are you ready to do this? I'm like, I'm ready to run through a fucking wall. Just by talking to him? Just talking to him. He amped me up. He's like, look, there's a hundred, like you have a hundred days to the marathon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need to map out every single one of those days so you know exactly what you're doing. You never sk- like you can't take a week off. You can't take two- like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what you're doing. You're in it. You're gonna become a psychopath and you're gonna fucking love it. I was like, that's what I'm fucking talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, so for, like, I'm already doing, uh, uh, weightlifting sessions three times a week and doing sauna and plunges and stuff and already doing, like, the way that my mentality through walking and jogging was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, he's like, so listen, keep doing all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Cause he's like, what you need to do is spend time on your feet. You need to get used to what that's like. And if you just do those two things within a week, you've walked more than a marathon if you keep up with it. How's your diet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, good. Like, uh, I'm on that Manjaro, so I'm barely eating anymore. Keeping intermittent fasting, uh, fasting window closed down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, from 10 till 7, 7 is the last time that I, that I put something in my body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm, uh, yeah, and it's crazy too, like, Burt was like, every time you do something,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I think we'd be able to get in. Like, they were actually asking if you wanted to run it with me. Yeah, boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should I try to do that? I think you should. I don't think so. Fuck. Why not dude? I mean, you're in the best shape of your life. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesse says 100 days, I could do it. You think, you could probably do it in 30, 30 day prep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. No yea, low impact, that's good. I've been seeing some things where going on the elliptical is like a good cheat to getting ready for the marathon, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then also, like, I kinda, when we came, when we came up with, uh, what happens if I don't finish, cause like the other day, you were like, oh yea, you're getting a big old, like, chest piece tattoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I think I was still in my catatonic state from like accepting the race.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I brought it up to my girlfriend and she's like, you're not fucking doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, the, the limit is six hours, but I'm like, I'm like, I'm, I'm, I'm training. I'm training to, to finish it in six hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then it's like, if I finish the marathon, it's just under, it's a little over six hours, and it's like, well, you're fucking in prison tats all over you, like, and all that. It's fucking awesome. For you guys, yea, I think you guys would love that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The quality of the tattoo is not what's concerning me. The quality of the tattoo artist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I talked to her about it, about it. She said, not a turn on, not something I want. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I want to get it, then yeah, there's no reason for her if I can get into it, but that gigantic Celtic piece on my back is definitely not something I want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if I pass the finish line under six hours, I'm getting sent on a cool trip to Ireland with my girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I don't finish, I'm getting sent there with a gigantic tattoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello from Gombe State, I'm here in northeastern Nigeria, and the craziest thing about traveling here is this map.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is from the UK government and Gombe state is listed as red on the map. They say they advise against all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm thinking what Gombe are they talking about? This city is really nice. The people are incredibly kind and friendly. I've seen no military. I've seen no people dying in the street. I've been in the city. I've been outside of the city. It's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A completely different reality from maps like these to the reality of places like these where people are actually living normal lives. They're living nice lives. We went out in the evening. We had a wonderful time here and it's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] about northeastern Nigeria, that it's unsafe, that you're gonna die immediately when you go there, that it's totally backwards, and these things are just misconceptions. Of course, there are always safety issues wherever you go, and you have to, you know, understand that and speak with locals, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I would encourage you to think about coming to a state like Gombe and seeing all the beauty they have here and the wonderful people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A large jug of this stuff is enough for five people and costs less than 50 cents. It is popular as a cheap alternative to beer here in Nigeria. No thanks. Or kutu here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what it's like to travel to the weirdest country on earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am going to Turkmenistan, an isolated landlocked country in central Asia. Why? The first thing you need to understand is there is no internet here. Essentially every website is banned and I had to tell people I'd be out of contact for the entire length of my trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is no doubt the weirdest trip I've been on. Make sure to follow along as I shed more light on this very interesting country. While my first impression was just total off this country, I want to share what Turkmen people are actually like. Make sure to stay tuned for a deeper view into this country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I am so effin' pumped, you guys. So let's start at the beginning. September 7th, Toronto, Canada, there's literally like five tickets left. September 8th. Ah, you're retarded. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] October 7th, this is the show I'm proud to announce. I'm Polly, uhm, non-binary, and I'll be doing in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Agent Gene sent you this lovely, gosh I don't even think it's a plaque, it's like a huge wall, poster, framed, 3D thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me, give me an average. One in three, one in five, one in ten?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are, look, you dedicate time to your fitness, why not dedicate time to sharpening your sword?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think we need to block out, how much time will it take you every day to do 300? 50 time, 50 time, 50 time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where would you want to sharpen your sword?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean, you're not fired? Cause you're, you're all peed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ooh, but wait a minute. Maybe that's the best time to sharpen your knife. Because you're not really like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mentally there yet. You could probably get 50 times, 50 times, 50 times even faster because you're disinterested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the, uh, most men have no circumstances. Circumstances. He says circumstances.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I, why, why does every jacked guy have to dress in super tight spray on clothing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, I don't know. I just feel like the pants are ultra tight. And when you're giving a speech, it's a little distracting for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think there should be a weight limit? How about just like a weight limit? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's very lean. That guy probably weighs 150.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I know a standard, Studio Gene standard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could get down to that, but I would just have to stop eating entirely and drink coffee all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I was watching a TikTok of this, uh, Korean girl, and she's like, I went back to Korea and I gained 10 kilograms and everybody was like, you're so fat and disgusting. You need to lose weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same in Hungary, they'll be like, you're so fucking fat. Like, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true, god damn. I mean, you and I see it all the time. In the airports, people wear pajamas and fucking slippers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know my parents even taught me to dress up when you go see the doctor. Like even if you're feeling ill, you dress up because it's like you want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I have a cap report for any-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's inspired by a video that you're going to be playing in a minute. Yeah. Okay. So let me just say, and I happen to agree with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe that lactose intolerance is kept. Any?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's worth it cause ice cream's good, cheese is better, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well hold on, your honor, I actually have a point of contention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we said there are no such thing as bisexual men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said there's no such thing as bisexual men. He said that he likes men, women, and trans. I believe, doesn't that mean that he's like pansexual?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so that's technically not bisexual men. Bisexual means male and female, excluding trans, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that is the only reason you take out a press conference on your sexuality is when people are reporting on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody cares, even Obama, they found that letter that he had written to a girlfriend at 21, and it was so eloquently written, I was like, jeez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To chase aides? There are guys that do. They're called like the gift or something. Yeah, the gift. It's the gift. Yeah. Are you going to get it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can I forget? It's been three weeks, he's lived in my heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we've watched people douche, anal douche on this program and Rain, remember Rain? Didn't she put like an entire bag of urine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In her colon or coffee or something. And that's a whole bag. So that that's going to go into that large intestine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or even, um, how to remove inanimate objects from your rectum that might get pushed too far in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great patience. He can teach us how to shove up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like him. I like his- his hands are kinda small. He's kinda fey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's so weird to see a guy from behind like this. Yeah. Oof. That was terrible. That was terrible. Aw, look how nice that looks. It looks like a woman's vag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Women say they want that, but that's cap, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's like being proud to be a gypsy. You're like, but what are you guys like stoked on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pickpocketing. Look at those gypsy pride tattoos, cause you know they're so- Is there? Yea, cause remember that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wild. How do you f- ugh. Dude, that could totally happen to anybody, I feel like. Like in your twenties. How did it not happen to all of us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is such the truth. Like Duncan Trussell, we were talking about on where my mom's at, he's like, when I was a dishwasher, I was just a poor dishwasher and I was pulling, not pulling, he didn't use that phrase, but he was like, I was dating girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, well, that's kind of a great racket too. Being like, I'm just a humble dishwasher. I'll eat your pussy. I'll eat this shit. You know? I'm just this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you gotta see this. You said you paid for sex once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's on TikTok and he loves to show us the lifestyle that he has in Colombia, where it's just like prostitutes and he works out and like, he just, he's, he's living his best life and he wants you to do that too. So it's like showing you how to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but he is right, like if you would just want to annihilate a woman, if you slept with her best friend, that's kind of the ultimate. I don't think there's anything worse than that. You're devastated, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would ruin a human being. I think you're done, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was like what I've been looking for. It was to answer all my problems. And I'm like, oof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks! I'm so happy. That's love. I'm happy I met your expectations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stingrays are no joke, I don't know why they put them where little kids touch them and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they suck. These are, these are the assholes of the sea, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to get on it and I curate the outliers of TikTok. People that are on the margins of society. People that are underrepresented. We give them a platform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they never look real and in LA people are wearing butt pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. I'm gonna get stuff done. I already do stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, how do you, so what's the secret? I guess you just can't go in excess. Cause that doctor's not saying no. Madonna is finding somebody who won't say no to her. That's what's happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is called the hobby horse champion. Um, it's basically like girls pretending to ride horses, like the stick with the head of the old, you know, like the children's horse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, maybe. These are just nerds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No thanks Tom Hanks, but this chick, she can fuck you up. Look at that. She just fucked that guy up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, babe. Hobby horses to rage therapy in the 70s. Very good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he lives in a castle in Scotland with his wife, and he's a, you know, very wealthy man, and he teaches other men how to accumulate, or people, to accumulate wealth. He's very old school like this, and we've loved him for years. He's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just miss people being able to say crazy stuff even if...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't agree with it? Like, I don't care. Just say crazy stuff. Let's go back to those times, you know? You could just not like it. Right. I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] June 18th is my Smurf day and I turned 47.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what's really neat is that you were training our children in repeating exactly how old mom is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's depressing to think that I'll be 50 soon and I hate the fact that you're, that you aren't even in your really mid 40s. You're only 44.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I have to relive what it's like to turn 50.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Statistically speaking. Enjoy your youth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I will. I mean, look, you engage in many reckless behaviors I don't engage in. For instance, may I share what you said to me this morning?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they, LA County came out saying that the water has bacteria in it. And you're like, okay, it's not at this beach. I'm like, as if, as if bacteria knows to stop at certain beaches and not flow through the water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you were like, sometimes I would swim and I'd be afraid for my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you can also maybe look at the tides and be like, oh, the high tides.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, it's interesting. I don't know what you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was walking out there and I did not see you in the ocean and I did have a moment of panic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I was like, oh, he's dead. He's definitely drowned. And then I started to walk to kind of look for your body. And then I was like, yeah, but he'll float. Like if it's his body, he'll float.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Tom, I think you're right, uhm, but since you're so much younger than me, you don't really see the wisdom that I have. I think in today's world, in the swipe right, swipe left world,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's really trying to like hone in and narrow down his pro- I mean, kids don't court the way we do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm taking applications for my girlfriend. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, I get it, but I do like, I like him, I think he's sweet. You're right, the approach needs to be a little more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, in light of this discussion I got this email in from a listener.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi Jeans, while I was sitting at my desk last Wednesday, my boss became concerned about my mental well-being because I was howling with laughter at the thought of Nadav running the New York City Marathon. However, as someone who has run several marathons before and has also signed up for the New York City Marathon this November,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could not be more excited about this challenge. You have already set up the most important part of training for a marathon, a support and accountability network.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing motivates you more than the desire to achieve your goals and the thought of the merciless heckling in possible failure. There are a few things that you should know about the course ahead of time. The New York City Marathon has some of the best crowds in the world with an estimated 2 million spectators throughout the course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then again, perhaps they weren't excited to see my gangly ass, but could be overjoyed to see Nadav. So that's interesting. He's saying we should set up in the Hasidic neighborhoods in Brooklyn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The biggest piece of advice to Nadav is you're going to have to get out on those long training runs. These runs won't be about hitting a specific time, but rather completion and building the mental wherewithal to continue when experiencing that kind of pain. You can do this. Good luck coming up in November, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, uh, don't marathon runners piss themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there's a point where you lose body function control. I've heard that towards, you know, the end of it...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I just mean that you lose control of your body function because your body starts to kind of, uh, shut down, no? Towards the end, I've heard this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What time does the race begin? Is it like 6am? You better start, maybe practice running so early.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's shifted from murder to Hitler, which I prefer World War II, hands down. Cause my father, I feel like it's a rite of passage for men where you're not a real dad until A, you get dad mouth, where your breath smells like shit for no reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And B, all dads love Hitler. I don't know what this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he would enjoy the death camp stuff. All of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, is that these, these guys in his circle, the rascals, they were all about uhm, it was more of a power jockey than wanting to do evil, but it sounds like this Himmler character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was also about not only the power jockey, but the fun in doing bad things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what they say, you know, Tom, success is when hard work meets opportunity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you see the images, you know? You're right. You're absolutely right. It's terrifying. It's terrifying. Well, that's the point, right? To scare you into voting for Hitler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dads love war strategy, like how do we defeat the enemy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, interesting you bring up the atomic bomb because I too have gone down a motherfucking hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It started on TikTok where I get all my information from. I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is your Summer of the Fuhrer. This is my Summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna communicate with the aliens. If you can get me in communication with these aliens, I'm here for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until I stumble on TikTok on David Grush, this guy that was head of A-Tip. They always have these stupid acronyms and the skiff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's saying, he's a whistleblower. And he's like, look, we have not only alien crafts,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They call it UAPs, not UFOs now, like it changes unidentified aerial phenomena.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grush said he prefers to use the term non-human rather than alien or extraterrestrial. And I believe they asked him, why do you use that term? And he goes, well, because there's things we don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meaning, so a lot of people, the comments were like, oh, he could be a squirrel piloting the thing. Well then he would have fucking said, we found a chimp or a squirrel. Non-human biologist. So he's also inferring, by the way,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These non-human entities are already here because he said that they're inter-dimensional. That means...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're fucking here already, in the fifth dimension, the fourth dimension, we just can't perceive it, it's fucking crazy! They're in the oceans! They're, they're in the government!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am, I am fucking, please, David Gresh, if you come on your mom's house, you can disclose, we'll put you in a skiff, you can tell us all the classified details.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and there's no way to report it and people are afraid to because you're called crazy. Not only that, commercial airline pilots are saying, oh yeah, we see UFOs constantly. Meaning when you're on your United flight or American Airlines or whatever,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anti-gravity. Tom, we already know about this. Bob Lazar disclosed this. He was on the JRE, uh, back in 2017 or 2018. It's called anti-gravity, utilizing also the element 115. Okay? It is now on the periodic table of elements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but why now? The big question in the UFO community is why disclosure now? Why is the government


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they don't, there's other way, I don't know. This is a big card. The UFO card's a big card and no one cares. That's the best part. Is that on TikTok? Everybody's like, the government told us there's aliens and nobody gives a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it. I get it. When your reality is tough. But anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there are, I believe there are some crafts that we have reverse engineered the technology on. Back in Roswell, that first crash, uh, you may know that the CIA and the other, whatever, branches of government were formed, like, three months after that Roswell crash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, we have reverse engineered some of these crafts, so some of these are probably our thing, but not all of them. Supersonic speeds, Mach 2, human beings fall apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that these aliens are probably already in our systems, in our government, and specifically, may already be famous country singers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks great by the way, she looks really good. I mean, for an alien hybrid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we have a treaty with the aliens where they're allowed to take a certain amount of humans and do experiments on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a physical necessity to get it out of you. So it's always like a delivery mechanism and the touches feel nice on your peener.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also too, don't forget that women's bodies are cyclical. So if I'm ovulating, which, you know, then I'm really fired up. I'm ready to F like I would want to be handed around to a group of black guys too. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, then when, when your body's shutting you down for a period of time, you're like, don't touch me, don't look at me, I don't want to fucking touch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. What a great day for somebody like that. What a great life. Could you imagine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the biological thing of I could get pregnant or whatever, like that doesn't exist for you guys. It must be nice. That's so gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They really do. They're so superior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The interesting part is that when women get together, I hear that they don't- they stop having sex. Lesbian bed death is what they call it. Really? When two broads get together, they're like, uh, we're just friends now. Like it shuts down. I'm not saying for all, because obviously there's exceptions, but yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Opposite day, actually because I don't have children or the responsibilities that we do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They travel a lot, and then they have a group of men who they regularly fuck outside of their own pairing. So they'll be like, yeah, do you feel like fucking Rick and Tim today? Yeah. Okay, we'll invite them over. Let's fuck tonight. Like, it's just great. I know. It's fucking amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also, along these lines of discussion, I have a cap report that I'd like to share with Emmy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I was talking to my friend Sean and Jimmy, so this actually originated in the dialogue with them. We were talking about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gay men and specifically bisexual men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, we were saying how, look, I know they say they exist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but in my experience with bisexual men, it doesn't last very long. It's usually your bisexual for a short window on your way to gay town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you park at a gay town and you don't go back to bisexual land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm gonna put it out there. I think, bisexual men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are cap. You heard it here first. Bisexual men are cap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think you're right, Eni, this theory of like, imagine, but the same could go for being with another woman. Oh my gosh, imagine a woman that knows what it's like to have a V. Like, we should all be gay then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, you know what, I, I go back and forth. I go, I have relationships. I want to hear about people who have relationships with men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a genuinely bisexual person in my estimation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not just like, hey, I'm with a woman and then every now and then I dip out and maybe, I don't know, is that bisexual then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then is that just a gay who's not being fully gay? And they want to stay married to have all the perks of being a straight person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have many gay male friends. There is a time when they go, I'm bisexual. And that time is usually in their twenties when they're figuring out the road to gayness. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there's one that I showed you that Kreshawn sent me, that you were like, have the boys rip this. Oh, really? Is this it?


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[Assistant] It's on his balls and his asshole. Hold on, can we describe? Cause people are listening. So this sweet little Asian guy, which by the way, Asians are fairly hairless to begin with, so I'm surprised he's even attempting this. This is on YouTube.


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[Assistant] Ah, it's fucking crazy dude. It is crazy. Well here's- How many views does it have? Yea, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's not giving you a genuine smile. He's giving the chimp smile because the eyes aren't, like he's not smiling with his eyes. He's giving like that weird like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 38 million views. Worth every watch, by the way. Hey, can I ask you this? Yea. Do you think that the nair, I mean isn't it gonna burn your b-hole though? Like, and your vagene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I put this on my vagina? Can you look it up? Cause then I'd rather nare my vag. That'd be great. Can you nare your vagene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can't be used on directly, should not be used directly. Yea, cause it like burns the hair off. So he's putting it on his b-hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should do that. Well, you know what I was thinking is that I would actually buy that shirt, that shirt, I'm saying, with the handwriting on there. That would be so rad. I mean, that could sell as a Vivian Westwood original. It's very punk rock. Very cool.


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[Assistant] Wait, so he's telling us, the ladies, the queens above 18, no bra until October?


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[Assistant] He declared it, let the meat cake.


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[Assistant] But when I met, when we met him, we did a sketch with him about, what, two years ago now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and he said that he had some knee trouble. He, he does work as a truck driver, so he sits a lot.


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[Assistant] And he may have some health issues, so I'm glad that he's back and telling us to go. Alright.


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[Assistant] His math is suffering too. Oh my god, remember when he had his merchandise shop and we tried to help him by plugging it.


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[Assistant] Why? Well, to be fair, he does run the Coney Island.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He likes, he likes, what does he like? Black guys. Black guys who like to fuck and fuck good. Maybe he's upset that Unc isn't into him? Maybe he's got a thing for Uncle Shine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We love you, I don't know where this is coming from. I know. You're clearly above Uncle Shine, you're one of the original people that we love the most, and you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that was just sketch, you know, he, he takes these things so seriously. It's like Robert, this is a comedy show, you know?


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[Assistant] Ugh, and he, his mani's cap or what? His mani's cap.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna, as a special announcement, new dates, Toronto, literally there's like 20 tickets left for the Bluma Apple Theater, September 7th, September 8th, uh, Jiz and Peg, Cala, Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Correct. You know what I mean? And then Comedy Vex, Downtown Denver. The best. I know. Those shows are almost all sold out, so get your tickets right now, right now. And then I added, Shark Lake Titties, Poota, Wise Guys, October 13th and 14th.


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[Assistant] Yeah, christianapionline.com. Also, buy my lipstick if you haven't already. It is an incredible product. Uhm, yeah, just do it. Try it out. I've perfected my shade of red because I've been wearing red lipstick like a little whore since I was 13. And there might be.


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[Assistant] Maybe in that world. We shall see. Uhm, and that's it. I love you.


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[Assistant] Yo, can I pish first? Okay. Because I really want to tell the story like I mean it. I gotta fucking squirt.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you, okay, I'm gonna share this story with you guys. This happened to me over the summer. And I'm proud, I'm proud and I'm not proud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me start by saying that, okay? So growing up, my mother was severely, was mentally ill. We all know that. She was, you know, schizophrenic in the end of her life, but she was very confrontational with people in public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like to the point, and it was always usually directed at waitstaff, uhm, she was convinced if, like one time we went to a Japanese restaurant and she was convinced that the hostess sat us near the toilets because we were white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then called the lady racial gentleman of other kinds, that racial slur, which,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't even, it's not even the right slur for Japanese people, you know what I mean? The point is, my mother would start shit with people in public in my whole life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was ashamed about it and I was, I became very non-confrontational with people in public because of that reason. Like I'm always very understanding and I, I don't like, I don't do a lot of road rage. You don't see that with me. Like I don't do it. Okay. Now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This summer, you were in LA, and I couldn't, I had to take your car, because my car was unavailable or something.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, dude, this fucking rips, dude. Cause I took it through a canyon and I was like, fuck, this is what I'm talking about.


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[Assistant] I felt like I was one with the car. Does that make sense? I know why. I was like this is fucking rad dude.


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[Assistant] Alright, listen, so let me back it up to you. Just to preface how mortified I am of public fighting, when my stepdad and my mom got together, my stepdad was a sociopathic criminal, who I really liked actually. He was a fun guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would start fights with people anywhere. I'm talking like the grocery store parking lot


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[Assistant] Okay, one time, uhm, we were standing in line at a grocery store and somebody's kid was crying, like a three-year-old, and my stepdad goes to the parent,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the person was like, what did you say to me? And then the dad of the kid was like, what the, what are you talking about? My kid's three years old and he's like, yeah. My stepdad was like, you want to fucking fight me or something? And then they take it out to the parking lot and they have a fucking fist fight.


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[Assistant] That's the level of shit that I grew up with. Another time in a movie theater, my stepdad told somebody to shut up.


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[Assistant] I don't want fucking any part of this shit, okay? So anyway, I'm driving Tommy's fancy Porsche and I'm loving it. I'm having the best day. I didn't realize cars could be fun. And I'm just like, I'm having like a fucking SoCal day, right? Like I'm in a good vibe. I'm going to stop at my grocery store.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna fuckin' hit up the salad bar, that's my favorite.


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[Assistant] Like, I'm vibing, and uhm, Rob Eiler and I are texting, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he sends me something funny and I pull into the parking spot of the grocery store and I text Rob back, you know, responsibly, I'm gonna put it in park and I'm just like idling, texting back, lol. I put the phone down, I turn off the car, I open the car door,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's this old man standing there, like fucking right there, right? And I was like, that's weird. And I go, hey, like, hey man, you know, like, and he goes, finally. And I was like, I'm what? And he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 15 MINUTES. And I go WHAAAT? Like at first I start laughing because I can't believe that somebody would pick that bone with me. Like I start la- I go wait what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He walks up to me, he's standing as I'm getting out of the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I think he's like a fan or whatever and I was like, wait, what dude? And he goes,