[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we are. Here's a really, here's one that I think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're really gonna dig, cause we really all responded to this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what the army hammer doc was about too. This is what he would do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The opposite. It was all about charm, all about, you know, I want to be with your, like, so you seduce, take them on trips, which is a form of isolation, you know, get them away, and then dial up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there is a good way. There is a good way. I'll tell you what I resented and I've just saw somebody else do it and I won't say who.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was like, oh, this is what, this is what I think you ultimately resent when you look back on it, is when you need to lose weight, and someone's like, you look good, actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you look pretty, and when you're at your worst, like you're at your worst and someone's like, I think you look pretty good. Cause they're saying it out of like, I don't want you to feel bad about how you look, but what you need is a friend or someone close to you to be like, as your friend, like Josh, as your friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm making the point as an example, like how I would say it if I was like, you needed to. Right, right, right, right. I would be like, just, I'm your buddy, I've been there, I would just tell you, I've been there, you need to do it, you need to get on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's friendship. The fucked up thing would be like, if you weighed 40 pounds more and someone made a comment and you're like, I feel bad. And I go, don't listen to them. You look great. That's actually the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That ultimately when you did lose the weight, you go, I wish in your head, you'll be like, I wish you would have hadn't said you look great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, just shut up, dude. Because I knew, and I just saw somebody do it to somebody else where I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think you want, I think you want, here's the thing, you want directness, but you don't want it, you don't necessarily want it to be mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's why, here's the thing, you know it and you're like, I don't, you know, I need to lose weight, I need to lose weight. What you're doing is you're kind of like, it's like you're looking around the room and you're like, do other people know I'm fat? Right? And then I go like, I'm like, do I need to? And then you go, nah, did you look good? And I'm like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I look over here, how do I look? And you're like, I think you look great. And I'm like, oh, all right. And then you just go, I can kind of keep my delusion going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the truth is too that like, when you encounter somebody like this in real life that looks like this, you are like, god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she can help him, like she can help him breathe again. She's like, just let him die. Let my dad suffocate in the rug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You're getting more than- I'm beyond gentle at two bills with you. Should we go to a doctor? That's what you said. No, what I do is like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would be like, hey, pack your bags, and then I'd go on a drive, and then you're like, where are we going? And I'd be like, well, actually it's where you're going. And then I would just park in front of like, you know, Dr. Now's office, Fatboy's camp, and I'd just be like, this is where you're spending the next month, I'll see you then, and just fucking peel out. Oh, you're trying to savor with like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, but you can just get, I mean that's what you're talking about is you just want to train her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why I won a nude scene. I talked to Bill Burr about this one time. We were actually at a gym. This is when we lived in Silver Lake. And we were, I was working out and we were just talking about like, you know, weight, but he's like, dude, dude, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, if you had a love scene, he's like, you know you'd get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not expect that of all things, a puke video would convert Christina into complimenting Lady Gaga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, it's Lady Gaga, right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is another, this is one that's pretty funny. This is a Lady Gaga. So we've been playing a lot of Lady Gaga stuff. Just because she's a big phony and a lot of her shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, yeah, she's walking in one direction. A photographer is walking in front of her and crossing her path. And just after he crosses her path, he falls. And she notices, so her facial expression gets wide open, like, oh my god. And she runs back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To help him basically. And he's already on his way up and as he comes up,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a piece of that big fat juicy lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've showed up to shit that you get. You know what? Disappointment's part of life. You go to things and you're like, wait, it's closed? I thought, you know, I thought this place was open. No, it's closed. They closed early today. Fuck. And then you're like, I guess I'm eating pizza or whatever. Like you just fucking, you make an adjustment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Um, now have you heard about ol' shit eyes? Do you know who this is? Me? Is that me? Uh, well, it's a brother. Okay. Uh, we found this guy and we've been, um, we've been loving this. So I wanted to show you because I feel like it'll be near and dear to your heart too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has there been any evolution? I have done it a couple times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because this was a theory when we first learned about this. That it was an intimacy thing. And trust is part of intimacy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There must have been some girls that really felt badly about themselves. Like, are you seriously not going to come? And you're like, not with you. Tons of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is true, yeaah. So that dirty talk really worked on you though. You liked that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is, you know, this is in the cards for you. Do you think that you'll get into maybe hearing those sounds one day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We spent a lot of time talking about, you know, that you have this degenerative condition and that your vision will get worse. I don't know if your vision has gotten worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yours help a great degree, I'm assuming, right? Oh yeah, I would be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're like, what's in your mouth right now? You're like, are these tits?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's a blind guy talking about, uhm, I guess what, what it's like, what he likes to touch, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So exciting. Yeah, yeah. I think you would get a really good, like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, you could be like, yeah, I've never seen, you know, such perfect breasts and I'm losing my vision. Do you mind so that I'll remember what yours?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, would you want to give, uh, Josh the full treatment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a new fucking level for him. You know this guy? We get his a lot, and he's always like, he's always making like, kinda sexual comments, he's always doing a creepy smile at the end. Usually he's like, in, he's at the gym, he's always, the camera's always underneath him, and he's like, arm workout today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did nail though his description of what women want, right? Isn't this exactly what you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're so vicious. Hyenas will rip you apart. Rip your whole fucking body apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You realize the way this country's gone, we're gonna be eating this, we're gonna be forced to eat this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd have to be beyond starved for, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chad, what kind of stuff are we dealing with here in the outskirts of Shanghai? What's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also it's so self-serving, like you, you register the narcissism that she possesses, and that she's either hyper aware of, I think she's aware of, but the way that she explains it makes, makes, she's trying to make you think, I'm, this is not self-serving. This is just the thing that we're on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, everybody sees you at school. You know what I mean? Like that's as those kids get older, they'll be like, Oh yeah, I follow your mom on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's back. We have to wrap this up. So first of all, it's wonderful to see you. Thank you for having me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is very flowy. Masculine energy is very directed. When you go and you're talking to girls and you want a vibe or chemistry with the girl, when a girl's like, we have a vibe or we have chemistry, what she's really saying is when I talk with him,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about that, like, that's like the biggest hit, you know, that movie, it holds up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an incredible movie. It's so good. And there's that one racial exchange. Do you remember it? When they go, they, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They throw Michael J. Fox into the trunk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like such an old update. And that's like, those are like prison terms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's a fucking wild scene though. Peckerwood. Peckerwood is still, is still set. In, in, in prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It only offends guys in prison. Nobody else cares. That's the scene right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then all I could think about was Chuck Perry pissing on that girl and farting. He's like, did I fart? And then he goes, sometimes I do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might be the best six video of all. The fact that that's not celebrated more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when he's getting blown, he farts and asks her if he farted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? It's, it's clear as day. He's like pfft. And he goes, did I fart? And she's like, yes. And he's like, sometimes I do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You trying to get into a nightclub or not? I mean, not with that bod.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said, well I don't feel well. And I was like, alright, well maybe get up and do something. You might feel better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was, you know, I was channeling my Sean Nicks, you know? I toured the world with this guy. You know what it's like to have that guy around 24-7? If I was like, I don't feel well, he'd be like, what the fuck are we doing today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Still going, still going. This is my difference this time. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] End of 2017 going into 2018. I'd lost a bunch of weight. Everybody was like, man, you look good. You know what I did? I was like, great. I'm here now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just fucking stopped. Yeah. And I regressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I put weight back on. Because I accepted the fact that I was like, this is good. And I think you have to just constantly set new goals. That's what I've learned about fitness. You have to constantly set new goals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does. You can't feel like you've arrived. I've never felt like I've honestly arrived in stand up. You know, I've never been like, I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm there. Like you always are like, oh, this isn't good enough. And, and because of that mindset, I've actually always progressed, I think, you know, as a standup because I've never been like, I've arrived. I'm here. You know, you just always are like, I gotta go to the next thing. I gotta figure out the next thing. Yes. But with fitness, I have been like, oh, I'm good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, uh, Christina Rose, the porn star, said to me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got to do this interview with her one time, and I said, how big is too big?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we know, uh, years ago, uh, of a dick, like, no, no, no. K.R.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How big is too big? And she goes, dicks are like money and sunglasses. You can never have too much and they can never be too big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dicks are like money and sunglasses. Or maybe with sunglasses and money. They can never be too big, you can never have too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you went from Porn Girl to Kendall the Peloton Instructor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh. I wouldn't mind if you did a scene with like Rocco, I would accept that. You know. I think you deserve it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's the rule. It's got, you gotta give up anal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the rule. First of all, Rocco's not gonna accept no for an answer either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely, there's multiple images.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's not him. But that is him there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I hate? How about the one where it's going right there? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a knight. I like the description of the one, is that, Rockers Freddy, dick too big?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Look at him shaking hands here. Hi, I'm Rocco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold your face, kiss, hug, he's like, he's like very like, seductive and sweet to start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Huh. Yeah, Chris makes them nervous. I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are a gorilla. I like them. Let's see, they gotta be so fucking strong, right? Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] According to the guy's book of records, this is a record that can lift 1800 pounds of dead weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dead weight. They're shy and reserved for humans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Due to the size, strength, nail, the result is, uh, still the same bear victory both ways. However, it will not be two hit fight. The bear, oh, this is comparing a bear hitting a gorilla. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the common misconception is that even the biggest and strongest people call the mountain who is truly impressive. Compar- what? So no matter how much- what the fuck is this getting into? Here comes the gorilla. Okay. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, experiments on the strength of large silverback gorillas were researched


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've already read this stat. This is terribly written.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Okay. Exactly. Like there's a... Okay. You're in that biz a while, then you start to transition your look. To fit what you think the look is. That molt. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I slept with the sheets off of me last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No it wasn't. What was it? 72. I saw it. Perfect. But why'd you lie and say 68?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found my back waxed and my ass waxed and the back hurts way more. Way more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the, I loved life after it. Me too!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a joke thing, and I thought it was gonna be like, so painful. Wasn't that painful? Then I was like, oh, wiping's a dream. And I didn't do it forever, and I did it again. And again, I was like, yeah, doesn't hurt that bad, and it's great to not have hair back there. And then I just came back, and I've done it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we got so into this right away, we didn't even intro you. Josh Wolf is here. Uhm, thanks for coming by. Thanks for having me. We're talking about the fact that you developed and shot and did something that we're huge advocates of which is doing your own thing. You shot a show with your son and you're releasing it yourself. Yes. You're putting it out yourself on your YouTube channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I went to hit my sister and he got in between us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yes. Right? Yeah. And they all got their asses kicked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think I actually look, the older I've gotten, the more I look, and I still feel like I'm not that good at it. Like I'll flip things up, and I'm like, I've looked all over this fucking place, and she's like, hold on. And then she just goes on her little fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know what you are. You're a koala. Yeah, that's it. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They chill hard. That's a little too slow. Oh, that's Chad. Aquala. Pull up Aquala.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they, they, but you learn that they tell you that it's a different strain than the human strain, so it's not transferable. I would. The big joke there is like, cause that's what I was told, they're like, they keep, you know, you don't wanna fuck em. And I'm like, I wouldn't, yeah. Yeah, thanks for the warning. And then someone's like, actually, you can fuck em.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm looking for a female rapper. I'm home all day. All day. Also we can shoot videos and he's like two, three, four, for music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some girl is desperate for showbiz. Nah, here's the thing though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just shows you how important marketing is. If he was like, even in a music store, like there's just keyboards behind him, and he shot this same video, he was like, yo, I'm looking for a female rapper in this area. That alone, someone would be like, this dude, is he a producer? He's just out with trees and shit. He's just like, I'm here all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm sure if a female rapper or anyone came over, they'd be like, so where's your setup? And he was like, well, let's just, let's just pick game right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs wore it every day. By the way, a couple of these guys, they were like, if you just have a uniform, it's like, uhm, it's one less thing you have to think about every day. I agree. Didn't love a uniform. Some of them, like, he did that, Zuckerberg did that, where it was like, grey t-shirt, blue jeans, every day, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started with, I wanted, I thought it would be, I don't have like headshots of it, but I remember when I would do stand up, I remember one time leaving to go do a spot and I was just like, just starting out and I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was wearing, let's say, you know, a black, a nice black t-shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had a shirt on the chair that had holes in it. I was like, I gotta put that on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I switched, I put the shirt with holes in it all because I thought it was better for like the stage to be like, this guy's messy. He's one of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The jokes that were like crude or whatever like fit the look. So I was like, and then one of my friends was like, you know, you really look like shit up there. And I was like, yeah, thanks. He was like, it's not good. He's like, you know, you want to look at somebody presentable. You're the person on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should try like, you don't have to dress in a suit, but like, you should try to dress like nice to look at. Right. And I was like, hmm, maybe. And then I mean, I started to dress a little bit nicer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do know how to pull it off at any moment. You can say it and just make me laugh. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been asking Ellis, our oldest, what his name is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go up to my 4 year old and I just like pinch his neck and he's like, he can't handle it. I fucking, I get so much joy out of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't believe in making the kids do things they don't enjoy. I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ellis, our eldest scored a hat trick together and he had three goals. And I was like, that's fucking awesome. He goes, it was easy. Literally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I enjoy it more now. You mean playing it? No, watching it. Oh, watching it, yeaah. Yeaah, I watch it more now. You watch it on TV? Depends, I like watching the super high level stuff, like I like watching La Liga, you know, Premier League stuff, like big matches, they're fun to watch, cause you're watching just like such elite players. I think super elite


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a sports. Not a sports. I'll do like card, card stuff. We moved to Vegas, and I'll come see ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you do craps, do you do the entry level? In other words, you know, just the simple bit? Okay, you don't do like all the side bets and all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I know. My old lady. Fucking, not this one. My mom. Non-stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, I'm not listening to you. No. And not even max betting. I'm like, so if you do hit something on this cheap ass slot, you're gonna get a mint. She'll do that. So she'll like, play, play, play, and then she'll be like, oh, it's all this, and it's like 28, she'll be like, oh, I want 28 dollars. I'm like, yea, cause you're betting 5 cents a spin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I can get, I can get a rush from not a life-altering amount of money, but it is true that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Losing a hundred or winning a hundred, I'm just like, okay. I like it to be more. Yeah. So that when it hits, you're like, yes. And then when it hurts, you're like, fuck. Like you gotta have that. It doesn't have to be crazy money for me. But I do find that you build momentum and you start, you start raising the stakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see that video that Hunter posted of the bobcat approaching him and he pulls his gun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, this, like- Well he's doing the right thing, you're not supposed to turn and run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, of course, of course. But that is definitely how you get chased down. By running and, yeah. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It'll just trigger it. It'll just be like, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does that keep going? Does that keep going? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does he ever spray it? He's about getting ready to, I would think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is too close. This is where you start spraying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you gotta punch it in the nose. I'm like, yeah, there's a thing that I've seen the, uh, um, a shark expert say exactly that when a shark is swimming towards you, like if it's really close swim towards it, you can actually tap it on top of its nose. Yep. And also that all sharks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Large sharks, I guess, before they bite. The moment before they bite their eyes roll back. So they're actually blinded for the second before they bite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So even if you watch like a great white come out of the water, and when they're feeding it, as it comes out of the water, that moment right before it clamps, you see its eyes go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, they're, they're blind for a moment, you know. I mean, obviously in that situation, you're gonna be fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has like a real conquistador kinda look, you know, cause he is actually Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody's 15 minutes. Nobody- Especially if it's like, just him talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love him. We were, we did San Francisco one time and he's, we're at Cobb and he's like, what happened to this city? There used to be real fags here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just like kept going on that, we were like holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he's going to visit the set of Casino. Cause he's in Vegas at the same time as whatever. And they're like, and he's never met Scorsese. He's like obviously like a hero. So they arranged for him to go to the set of Casino and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch him shoot for like an hour and then have lunch with Scorsese. So he's like, I show up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're shooting the scene and then as we're breaking for lunch, he's like, you know, I've only done like one movie or maybe two at this point. I mean, he's hot shit, but still he's like, you know, young guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, we break for lunch and as we're like walking, Rickles, who, who knows, um, Quinton goes, QUINTON!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finally, a real director is here. This guy doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. Finally, somebody that knows how to fucking direct. We have been, we're lost here without, without a real director. He's like, keeps leaning into this thing, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then you go do Kill Tony and you're like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ow! That was a hard one, dude. By the way, I want one of those. That looks fucking adorable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their mouth looks like it was like a filter over. It's filler. That is a crazy look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, he's like, watch this shit. This is some shit he's done before. Yo, watch, watch this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Baked bugs? No, I'm not, I'm not interested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It should end that way. I wish these videos went on to just blood baths.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh I enjoy, I enjoy a... You know what you need to start finding more of? Legs breaking. Legs breaking? Yea, he doesn't like those so I want to get more of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say would you mind to take another test and be sure


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your father was allergic to cats. I know. You were allergic to cats. Yang is allergic to cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you don't even, you don't even need to see the car and you start immediately braking in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and the only thing I was going to tell you is, I want you to be aware that because of bitsie, which I love to have,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blanca was reminding me. Blanca had fun reminding me the stories of my past and one time years and years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But obviously I was kissing with a guy whose name I don't remember saying that and I have a wig because I was trying to get my hair grow. So I put a wig with the long hair and to support the wig, I put a ruler in top and hold it with four of those little pins that the girls use.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no. You can bring her, Kristina. She comes with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how it works in computers, screens and stuff. Red, green, blue. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, maybe in the future things like that won't be necessary, but that's where we're at currently. Oh, and when you send in your qualifications, whatever those qualifications may be, send a picture too, because yes, we're a little bit shallow. It's happening that way. You know, I have to look at these children. I don't want them to be ugly. No offense. There's nothing wrong with ugly people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you just watched a full episode of your mom's house. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, well here's the thing. You can't get mad at her for telling the truth. Like, I fucking murdered, dude. It was ACL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was by Gaping Dad, uh, it's called Poop on John McAfee. Um, rest in peace, uh, great John McAfee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. McAfee antivirus and of course the hammock guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made you sit in a hammock and shit through it as he laid there and collected it himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really a cool thing to do, yeaah. I mean, I'm uh, I'm very much, you know, I'm not a kink-shamer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, very cool choice. Yeaah. Very cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oof. That's shit right in the mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing, you know, last week was, uh, episode, uh, 666?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, I was uhm, yeaah. You've decided to stick with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you got the, uh, the fish nets on the, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there you go. Now you're back to being a teen. Fuck you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was thrilled that last week we were able to reconnect with one Robert Paul Champagne. It was nice to know that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, also, it takes a level of self-awareness to say, I was lashing out, I was angry. When I'm angry, I say things. He didn't go, like, he didn't do denial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't try to spin it. He was really actually very on point with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sometimes I, you know, I would need longer than that to be like, you know what, I was just really upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty cool. And he uh, he's running a charity. Robert Paul, I think, saves the children or something like that. I forget the name of it. Do you remember the name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think Debbie gives it to Robert first, then he gives it to Jenny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the modern way to donate to charity. I've been doing these stupid wires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also the fact that you realize that you could at least once write a check that you didn't have the amount for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but like people could write checks. Alright, here's the check. You're like, alright. And then it's like, oh, this thing doesn't work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you, you know, I, cause I worked all, I started, I had a job starting the summer after freshman year, and then I worked through just the rest of the time in college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you feel like, oh, I have income, right? Like, you're like, I have money. I make money. Cause just sometimes, you know, those things, you know, it would deposit, you'd deposit on a Thursday and then you're like, fuck, it hasn't posted yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then you realize, oh, like, I guess I'm not going out tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, you know, you have to be like, hey buddy, will you spot me? Like, you know, then you owe somebody money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, will you guys hook me up tonight? Will you bring booze and weed over to my place and, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, shopping really wasn't a thing. No, that's what you would like. You would, you know, your parents come to town. Your parents would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they'd be like, why don't you tell, my dad would be like, oh, let's go out and get you something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be like, oh cool, can we get a TV?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of RPC, he was really vocal about his contempt for Unchained.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I might, I don't know if I'm trying to connect dots here, but this might be a two-way street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two men kissing on TV? That ain't right, he just said it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, uhm, yeaah, like he's, here's how much he is not into two men kissing, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly what RPC likes to do. That's true. So may, you know, could there be? Beef. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also like, you know, they've both taken, you know, I mean, this has obviously more than a homophobic undertone. It's direct. And then RPC, you know, mentioned that, you know, blacks aren't like this anymore. So it's, it's going both ways is what it feels like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And it just cuts off right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, you know, I'm not encouraging either, but I would like to see them post more about each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, Akshine does have to get with the times, I'll say that right, right out of the gate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's accepted and, and you know, you're really, you know, you're really not, you're dating yourself, you're just separating yourself from society by saying that you can't support or handle that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder what, uh, Ankh would say about your look. I'm sure he doesn't see a lot of Goths in Lafayette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is. Uhm, also, I think this is supposed to be, this is a folder that I see labeled, I'm assuming it's to take a dig at me. Oh. And uhm, what? My injury.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did always wonder that. You have that thought, you know, after you have an injury, you're like, oh, what would happen if this wasn't taken care of?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that crazy? We're just gonna cut it off. It's wild. You're like, well it's broken. What are we supposed to do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But maybe he didn't have, uh, radial nerve damage. So the nerve's intact, but the bone and everything else, you know what I mean? So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I guess at times you do, but I can access the memory. I mean I can, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing, the funniest, not funny, but I guess the thing that stands out is that the, uhm, you know, I just,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt the pop and I lost, you lose power, right? Cause you're, you're pushing off. I mean, it's just been doing all this jumping and I just remember that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was asked by our PT to talk to somebody after we were still living


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In LA, so it wasn't that long after, but I mean I was, you know, recovering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody that she was treating who got hit by a car and launched like 30, 40 feet and had shattered, like, like shattered limbs, you know? And I talked to her and I was like, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? Oh. It's on your mug. Oh yeaah. God that sucks so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Do you think, well, that this is drugs or mental illness?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, that's the whole clip, and it really does make you wonder. Is this drugs or mental illness?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, after watching the whole thing,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't know that was an option. Didn't know that was an option and I'd like to step back for a moment. It's an either or scenario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, yeaah, final answer. Drugs. And what is the answer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both. You know, it's like tic-tac-toe. It's that you don't get to be like, well it's an ex-annino. You know? You pick one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's my question. Would this be your, like, biggest nightmare to wake up, like, in a room where this guy's standing over you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is that makeup. I don't think that's actually him. I don't think that's Gene Simmons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but that could also be like the uhm, you know, playing the role of like a, an overseer, like a priest you've been masturbating. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does he post stuff like this all the time or is this like his one-off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I see like this, if you were weighing the two, is mental illness. If this were like a real thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was kicking the pole, screaming, uh, racial slurs. That was pretty cool. Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a pretty cool neighborhood. It turns out, this is a pretty cool place to live. Uhm, then she spit in the direction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're so spooky. They are spooky. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he was jovial. He's just like, had a good time. He liked, he liked, he did like spreading, like you can't just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and like, he threw parties a lot. He liked to have a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just had, you know, he had a door, let's say, in his head that wasn't so nice. Yeah. You know? Got you. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think when you watch the documentary, you're like, alright, not the worst guy, but, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, I'm forgetting that part of it, that he would just do this a lot for fun, you know. Just for like the name of the kids. Yea, it wasn't like you had to pay him to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, really a lot of bodies. 33 confirmed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that is the giveaway of how, this is like the fun thing about narcissism. He, okay, so he had a crawl space under the house, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would put, uh, bodies down there. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Suspected him after this, the last kid went missing. Kid meaning is like a 16, 17 year old kid. So, you know, everything was like tied to him, but they didn't have physical evidence. Well they did do a search at one point of his house that didn't reveal anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, by the law's standards, you know, a warrant's already been executed, they've searched the house, and they're like, we didn't find anything. Nothing at least to tie him to these murders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even though he had just murdered that guy upstairs, the body was like in the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They started to tail him 24-7, but they did a type of tail where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they let him know. Like there's a surveillance where we're trying to not let you know we're following you, and there's surveillance where like we let you know all the time. So the pressure of that can get to you. Well, he's such a narcissist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he invites them in. This is just for his own


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To try to cover the fact that he's looking for things at one point dips into the bathroom. When he dips into the bathroom, without any plan for this obviously, it's Chicago. It's winter. The heat kicks on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To do a second search warrant, which like the judge is against. He's like, you've already, we've already executed a search warrant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're able to convince them to do that second search warrant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's when they go into the crawl space and they start just pulling out bodies. Pretty cool stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Ellis was born in, uh, December.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. The Christmas month. And then the other one, I think in the summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you not feel like you learned something from what I just said? Definitely, yea. What was weird about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, most killers that rape like to rape and then kill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, let's take a quick break and, uh, we'll be back in a moment with our guests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then that many home security companies don't act that way. This is why we use and trust Simply Safe Home Security. Their advanced security technology helps keep us safe at night and they always put me and my family first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make sure you're taken care of with affordable plans starting at less than a dollar a day and no long-term contract or hidden fees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Customize the perfect system for your home in just a few minutes at simply safe dot com slash your mom. Go today and claim a free indoor security camera plus 20% off with interactive monitoring. Go to simply safe dot com slash your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in honor of your podcast, we had Tuna Belly also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're welcome. You came to the, uh, the party that Christina had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happy birthday. Do you remember how out of my way I went to try to introduce you to somebody and how you reacted?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's only a funny thing. I wasn't invited either. I wasn't invited either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, like I said, it's been years. Years. I've never been invited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So just admit it. It was a pretty big ticket. Uhm, no, I think we're fully invested in Austin, man. Like, we really are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A home, we have our whole staff move there, we have a studio, you know, we really are committed to Austin. I really like it. I do like it there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, you're in Austin? Cause I saw him post like, I'm sorry I had a bad show or some crazy shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I go, you're in Austin? And he goes, yeah, dinner tonight? And I go, I have show- I have two shows tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. Well here's the thing. You can't get mad at her for telling the truth. Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Austin City Limits, like 2,600 people, wraparound theater. I did four shows there. Here's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all bomb, and it's the fucking worst. So nobody empathizes more with another comedian than another comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You bombed at the theater or is it a bobby like you're getting in your head about a moment that went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing that is natural for me, which is like, I have two tonight. Like I have shows tonight. And I'm thinking that because you're in Austin, you have a show too. Like I don't go, do you have a show tonight? I'm just thinking if you're in Austin the next day after your show, you have another show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm texting my tour manager right now. Wow. Hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop dude. That means he's been saying like, I got this shit, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this guy's robbing that person over there. See? Right there? That's a robbery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're comfortable with Dennis Rader just rotting away in a prison somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you implying? That maybe it's time to just spill it all


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The documentary, I don't know what it's called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you know how BTK was caught? How was he caught? It was really, really startling. I mean it just shows how checked out this guy was. Wait, which one is BTK? The one that looks like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He killed 10, 11 people in, uh, Kansas. I think in Topeka.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mindhunter does, yes, uh, like follows, cause like that program was started, I mean before he actually got started, but the way that he got caught is that he had been silent, didn't do anything for like over a decade, and then he started reaching out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the police again with a, like a taunting letter that let them know that this was definitely the guy. And then he asked them, he said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I send you a floppy disk, will you be able to trace it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And answer me in the public paper, call me like Rod, and let me know in the classifieds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they just were like, well they knew that they could trace it. Yeah. But what they did was they go, nope, we're all good. Like go ahead. He believed it. So he sent a floppy disk as a test. He just wrote like, test.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when they opened it, they traced it back to this church.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in the church, they were able to look at the people who would profile match it in like the vehicle and all this stuff. And that's how they got him. He just sent them a fucking floppy disk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't- I don't know. The odds? Yeah. Sketch-wise, it's up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's probably, it's probably, it's more calculated, yeaah, so yeaah, not as much, for sure, not as much, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not what I wanted to show you. It really is that I wanted to show you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, can I say something? Yeah, yeah. Thailand. You're, no, but the right letter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if they told me what it was, I don't know, man. It would have to, I think the environment would have to encourage it. In other words, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we're all sitting around and you're like, it's good, and then you took it, and you're like, come on, take it. But if you're just like, hey, you showed up, they're like, do you want to eat some dicks? Okay, let me answer this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From who? From the tour manager. Okay, what did they say? Okay, so the first like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like good string of dates? Yeaah. Would be in October.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that's a little difficult. It is difficult, but let's see. It would be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Canada. We would do Kitchener, London, Ottawa, and Halifax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's unnecessary. Like, in a big way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, separate from your story, I mean, obviously that character, it was fantastic on Sex and the City, her character. Samantha. Right? Was that the name of her character? She's fantastic. I mean, it's a great iconic character, but everybody for a while now that has worked on that show says


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Alright, what is, what is going on? What is this guy saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It shouldn't just be stuff like that. Cause you're not just a fucking Korean guy. No, you're more than that to us. You can comment on more than just Asian things. You're more than just our Asians. That being said though,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it just says, like, the thing says, for Bobby. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know that it's just something that's going on with that person. It has nothing to do with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's wanting more recognition, you know? Bobby? Wanting to be celebrated more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you wanna know, do you wanna know something that I did? I did a show in New York. Yeah? And it was, in New York people still mask up. Right? Like a lot. And I went into the bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was next to me at the bar and gave me such a glowing compliment about my set that I was like very flattered and I was like, thank you so much. I said, I think you're amazing too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think you've done like incredible things and I think you're so funny. And they were like, really? And I go, yeah. And I just, just went on and on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they took their mask off and it was not that person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you just watched a full episode of Your Mom's House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll try, I mean he's out of his mind. What I've put together is I think he's the bad crazy roommate. This one is? I think so, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does, uhm, not all of them are in the mask though. Usually it's maskless. Is it always scary? Not always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, today's Monday public holiday here in Melbourne and today's makeup is... Beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, you know, I respect that and thank you so much. Oh, you're welcome. You're welcome. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I just ask you this, something right? Yeah, sure. I come to the party and I'm with an Asian guy. So I bring my own Asian. Right. Who happens to be? Big time. A producer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and he gave me a bruise on my face and went after to kiss me. Anyway, uhm, my point, my point is this, so what, what's the question?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's what, you know what I mean, he was like, ah, shit dog, yeah, you. Yeah, and I got an ugly Jew and ugly Korean with me too. And like, I don't know. Yeah. Isn't that right? And I go, they said, okay. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they let me in. I lied. Okay. I apologize. Hey, fuck you. Happy birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her, Ronnie Chang, if they were there, I don't even look at them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a dirty bottom. Why are you dirty? Because of my nature of how I do my comedy. It's nasty. Yea. You know what I mean? The way I dress. That's why I love it though. Yea, me too. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's impossible. That would be absolutely impossible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are good though. You guys invented electricity. Thank you. Thank you. I wouldn't be able to turn on my PlayStation without that. That's true. Alright, so uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm saying is that listen to your little mind, listen to the logic, okay? I'm gonna ask you guys a question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long? How long have I been there for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so also insane, I have proof of this, right? Yeah. You ding dong. Okay. I love you though. Okay. Uhm, it's just that, I was there really short, because I saw the fancy Asian. Briefly, yes. Briefly, I mean. Yes. I saw the fancy Asian there with the glasses, the Netflix one. Yes. Right? Yeah. And then I saw Thickhead. Yeah. You know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you did the Japanese tour where they would meet all the Asians that happened to be there. Yeah. Right? I did that. Like, here's new friends. Yeah, right. And then I fucking left, right? So how, when did I have time to order fucking Chinese food?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I didn't do that, but you know what, if you think that was me, I apologize. That's cool. Alright, so the party was great, thanks for inviting me. You know, I had- You came!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not one fucking time. I wasn't invited to your birthday party. I wasn't invited to any of his parties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So why don't you guys, uhm, admit that you were wrong for moving to Austin. And I want to hear that. I want to hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I know, let me just say something, okay? I know you regret the decision. I know it was a foolish mistake, right? Yeah. You guys keep coming back, you're doing your little parties and like, oh no, we're just here in town, we're catching up. You know what I mean? Whatever, whatever, right? But basically what, at the end of the day, is you fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would love to hear an open, you know what I mean, acknowledgement. You know what guys, you too, I love you guys, your family. It's okay to make a mistake. I've made plenty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, you're in Austin. No, no, fuck you for that right now, I'm gonna tell you. Fuck you for that. For what? I just remember, fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's, she, so I, I'm at CVS, and I have Epsom salt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like bags of epsom salt. To soothe the body. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I do. And I'm walking around and I'm, I'm, I look upset. Sure. I'm, I'm, I'm on the verge of tears. It's a horrible feeling. It was terrible. Yeah. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see reality, and you live reality, and you feel things. That's a human being, right? And you experience life in the moment, as it is, right? And then you have some people telling you otherwise. Who's telling you otherwise? Everyone in this room right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me explain myself. Okay, may I explain myself? Also, I have to get off the thing why I'm mad at you. Okay. Okay. So here's the deal, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't call you. So the girl at CVS goes, oh, Tom Segura?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? You're in Austin, isn't that right? And then I called you, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're performing in Austin, I know that, right? Yes. You could have done this. You know what, dude? Take a Uber here and we'll just hang out in the green room. Something like that. Or hey, tomorrow! You know what I mean? What are you doing for lunch? Let me tell you- Let me finish! I'm not done. Also, how does he know you're hurting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let me just defend myself real quick. So after I was done, what I did was I performed after 20 other comics in a theater. So it was like a showcase-y thing. And it was a guest art, right? And so there were more alt-y, great comics, but more alt-y, the atmosphere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm more meat and potatoes, like punch line, rape joke, punch line, you know what I mean? And you know, queef, queef, you know what I mean? And I have like three queef jokes and they were just kind of like taking it back, but they still enjoyed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the next day everyone, you know, cause I would walk around there like, you killed it last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two grand. Per show? Yeaah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I just thought about it. But 2500, uh, 2 grand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right. You know I would do it for two grand and everyone heard it first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would do 20 minutes, and it'd be a good time for me to kinda try new stuff too as well. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, uhm, but you know, Burt offered me a bunch of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to make this happen and make this happen and I called my agents and they go, you never called. So what I'm saying to you is is that uhm, is this something that's coming out of your butthole?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And when is it? That's what I'm asking. That's gonna be another big thing. That's what I'm asking. Because I'm doing uhm, I'm busy too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brown Browns. Was that racist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the other guy is stealing my wallet and my blackberry, right? Jayberg? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you guys talk about it? No, I, I mean, I just, I think I talked to Ian Bagg last night for the first time in like 12 years. Oh really? Sometimes I see him at the improv and I'll just kinda, hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, what did he look like? I was like, two black eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go to 7-Eleven late at night, late at night, all the time. But still I'm not gonna be that guy. I don't think at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be, I was trying to be nice and, and not so, you know, like, ampy and stuff, you know what I mean? So let me just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get back into it in a casual way. You mean for me, uhm, I'll just let you know that nothing's changed. Like her and I, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the last three years, and I'll just be honest with you, we, you know, we've been sleeping on the same bed together and watching the same shows, and giggling, we do tickle fests, and you know, we tickle each other, and, you know what I mean? And we play little games, like when I yawn, she puts her finger in my mouth. There's different fun games that we play like that, right? We no fuck though. And I think it's my fault, because I just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what it is, I just kinda lost interest, you know, and, you know, and also, uh, a woman wants intimacy, and then she, you know, I, I stopped wanting to get to know who she was, and her dreams, and her inside stuff, and that's the stuff that she lives for, that's who, that's her love language, you know? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why, because I've never been in this situation. Honestly, when we started doing the podcast together, we had no one listening. No one liked it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In podcasts, I just, what do I do? And we would come up, I would just talk about our lives in the most intimate way. And then over the time people just started listening, you know what I mean? And then we became, we had fans and stuff. And then all of a sudden it was like the genie was out of the bomb. We just, it was just kind of too late to become a different kind of podcast. So I just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I know how you guys do it, but you guys probably don't reveal intimate things about you guys and personal things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know what it is and you don't gotta believe me. Okay. We're trying to, uhm, perpetuate a stereotype because the stereotype that we have small penises isn't true. But these guys are trying to perpetuate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's average. Like if you and I compared, you know, if we got a rec, not that I've ever seen your penis, but if we did, we had a contest or something like that. You might give me, you may have an inch, you think an inch? You have an inch, inch and a half more. But it wouldn't be like, you wouldn't be shocked like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it would test better than his, I think, in a TV show. For TV shows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. So I just think that your dick maybe looks a little scarier than mine, but still cute. So it would test as a scary but somewhat cute dick. It depends on what show it was in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? If it was on like an NCIS, any of those, it would probably test pretty good. But if yours was in like Malcolm in the middle, it would just be like, oh no, whatever. You know what I mean? Or any like, uhm, sitcom. Mine's very, it's just average.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but that's the bottom, you know what I mean? What I'm just saying is that- That's slummin' it for you. Yeah, like I couldn't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm gonna munch that box with you all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, aren't we doing a gig in Canada? What? When? You and I are. What are you talking about? Aren't we doing an outdoor Winnipeg something? No, Edmonton. What is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, but can we lock it in now? Because I'll lock it in now. Because that's what I should, uhm, and just like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. I have no idea what the hell is going on there. I don't know what I'm playing. I don't know what's going on. I've never seen the show. So my point is, is that I like doing it because I just know that uhm, you know, everyone's nice and stuff and I just do it. I have a theory on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Years ago, years ago, just quick, quick story, right? So years ago, uhm, I uhm, in the 90s, I auditioned for a Pepsi commercial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, as you do as a young guy, you probably audition for a bunch of shit, right? Dozens of them, yes. So, uhm, in this particular one, uhm, they were looking for a towel boy for this commercial. It was a Super Bowl commercial. Yeah. And I go, and I audition, and then they couldn't choose between me or Eric Stonestreet. Who? To be towel boy. You know Eric Stonestreet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to the story. Yeah. Right, so I uhm, so the, you know, who's directing it is Michael Bay. He's directing the commercial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very good. That was a huge Michael Bay fan. Anyway, this is the first I've ever had, really. Like, one of the first ones. I didn't know how to be on a set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 15 towels, it's a makeshift towel. It's a gag where I walk into a room and you know what I mean? I'm trying to balance these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta get so animated. I'm so sorry for standing. That was ridiculous. He comes up to me, grabs my face. Right? And he goes, HERE!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, and it was like all that stuff was coming up, you know what I mean? And it just couldn't function. Like everything I did on the thing was wrong. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then on top of that... So now Kim control's in a bathtub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's just sitting there just watching this kid just not be good, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So at the end of the night, I was just standing there with Eric and, you know, Eric and I are very good friends and he's, I just love the guy and we're just standing there and he, you know, he's one of those guys that's just like, come on man, you're fine. Everything's fine. And I don't know, dude, I'm out of the business. You know, whatever your internal, you know, dialogue is. And I can see Kim Choo Choo walk up to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're just standing there and she goes up to Eric and goes, you can be a very big star. The stone straight. And she walks up to me and she goes, and she walks away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. Exactly, dude. It's ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should, you should cuddle her more and stuff and be more intimate and just, just hold her. Thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I know some things that I can't discuss because of just by being there and talking to some people, but it's like, I do have to admit that it is, I do kind of giggle to myself when I'm there on set and stuff with all the girls and stuff. And these are so iconic and they're so nice. Like Sarah Jessica Parker is like one of the nicest people. She's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'll text me and she's just like, how are you? I mean, she's just like, I have three lines and I thought, why would you even care?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I don't care because it's just too many mistakes and too many things. And uh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do whatever you want. Okay. Alright. Cause I feel like you won't have a strong bond. We go to China, go to the pussy fucking restaurant. Yup. You and I, right? And we'll get that again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're pulling back. Oh that I'm gonna do. Yeah, slap is fun. Yeah, slap is pretty hard. Oh, that's pretty hard. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't put that, don't put that. Don't put that. Don't put that. Don't put that. Don't put that. Don't put that. Don't put that. Don't put that. Don't put that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not, I'm not obese, but I'm just saying, I'm not like, brushing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm more like, you know, like, you know how sometimes like Rembrandt maybe, you know, he brushes. I want to be more like Pollock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I'm so El Natural dude. Yeaah. Yeaah, I'm so like, that's like, I was born with the gift. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a series of porn, and I don't like it because it's got that kind of attitude in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But not everyone that had whatever his upbringing, right, does that. So people like will go to a different direction, like, you know, like her and I, yeah, like her and I are from real fucked up trauma, traumatic childhood. And we decided to like, let's just make the best of it and let's go to therapy. Like I see a therapist and a psychiatrist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wanted you to be the nice guy to the people I was introducing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and that, and that way. But that's not what you did. You grabbed my hand and go, here, here's Tong Tong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I just say something? Any fucker, right, that has 30 good friends, it doesn't have a single good friend. That's true. Let me ask you something, and be real, and to the audience, right? How many friends do I have? Be honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's hard to get in my circle. I believe I'm Bobby Lee, bitch. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you are one of them. Okay. Let me just finish. All right. And when I say Bobby, I'm trying to motivate myself to be more confident in my life. And when I said Bobby Lee, but you didn't, I think what? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's so funny when I see you outside of this podcast, you and I are like brother, uh, two long lost brothers and sisters that haven't seen each other. I mean the way we hug and we hug and on here you're rolling your eyes and doing all these weird things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't we go shopping together? I would love to go anywhere you want. You know what? It's my treat. Whatever you want daddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I would do it for a sketch, if you taped it for a laugh, right, but I wouldn't do it for like a serious...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would do it for fun to get a laugh, but I wouldn't do it as a serious...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] W-w-w-will it be funny? Yes, it would be funny. Hilarious. Fuck yeah, man. Anything for comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'll wear the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But can I be a different, I wanna, can I design my own outfit? Okay. Not that I would care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna be a cuter one. I don't wanna be a black one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you have a deal. So I get that opening weekend, right, and we do this. Yep. Simultaneously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I just say something real quick? I want to be really cool and it's not for comedy. And I'm not even doing a thing where I'm trying to be confrontational. I understand, but also- No, no, you don't understand. I want to be real, be real serious with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I just want to ask you, and I want to be, I don't, I know it's the red bull, I don't want to be, I just want to be real with you. And you can cut this part out, I don't know if it's live, you can cut this part out. It's not live. Alright, good. So let me just be real with you for a second, okay? Sure. And you as well, because I think you're part of it. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna let you know this. Look at me, Tom. Okay. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know anything about being Asian. I don't think about it. Like when I wake up and I go, hmmm, I'm Asian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm myself. Like, do you say I'm half Peruvian?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, but what I'm saying is that every single video, whenever I'm on this podcast, has something to do with Asians, like tell me about this, look at this accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's not a TikTok star, like I don't know how, how to, cause you know, I know a couple of guys I want to make fun of and I want to say their names, but you know, like I know a couple of guys that really kind of didn't fully make it as a standup will come up to me and go, you know, I'm doing pretty well. I got like 2 million followers on TikTok and I just want to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you a real serious thing that I'm going through right now? Yeah. I don't want to say the person's name and you're not going to, I don't know, forget it. I'll talk to you later about it. Well, give me a hint though. Say it. I know because I just realized who I was. We can also bleep it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, what I'm saying is this, okay, just hear me out. I'm hearing you out. So at the comedy store, right, a couple of months ago, she had just come in and bombed people. I'm going up and she would do a long time. So I got to the point where I was just like, you know what? I don't want her to go up before me. I don't care. She's not going to bump me anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? And I will not go up if she does that. And she did it to Andrew Santino a couple times, right? So they told her they go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't bump, and Jesselnec too, Jesselnec hates her because she does the same thing, right? They just told her, you can't bump anymore, just call in, we'll give you spots every night. She does not, she does not. Right? And she would hang out there, and now she's at the point, she won't even look at me or talk to me. Right? And then she went to the improv and tried to do the same thing, and they said, no, you can't do this anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now she's at the lab factory doing it, right? And she's burning all these bridges and she re- she thinks she's above-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Calling in, like, like so much Sebastian and Ali Wong does. I think that those are two, you guys too, I mean big comics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just calling their spas and they go up. What's the fucking big deal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what is it about somebody that like, you know what I mean, makes it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So who's bigger? That person or Procriter? Be honest with me. That person. That person. Alright. I got a story about that person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. So we're at that person's house. Yeah. And, you know, there's great things, you know, there's, you know, whenever you go to like somebody that's like big like that, there's llamas. You hear me walking around and baby cows and the kind of food that you eat is like, oh, this is the greatest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, and they had a bunch of musical people there, obviously, and uhm, I can say that, right? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're standing there, and I see this lady walk up to me, and she's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, she thinks I'm a com- she knows me, I'm a comedian. And she walks up and she goes, yeah my friends, just tell me I don't do this enough. And I just, I'm just trying to, you know what I mean, go outside my box and just say stuff that I really feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's because, you know, like, you know, I had a song that you remixed, and I want to say that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I got Steve Aoki. Right? Yeah. She goes, no, no, no, no, no, first she goes, she walks up to me, before she even says that, she goes, hey Steve, I go Bobby. She goes Steve. Right. And then she goes into that. So then I have to go, I just said I'm not Steve Aoki. And she didn't even believe me at first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just kept going, yeah, so anyway, you mix the thing. And I go, and then you had to jump in and go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but she was, I could, I know that she was talented, right? And I go, no, seriously, I, you know, I get this all the time, which I don't. First of all, I don't look like Steven. Not even a little bit. Not even a little bit, right? But I had to make her feel, because I could feel that she was embarrassed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's happened. So same thing as the other thing. Yeah. At the bar, you know. Sure. How long does this go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know everyone has their panties in a bunch right now about how I've licked my own excrement before, but I will say I do not do that anymore. I have learned. And if I do do it, I make sure it's clean. Usually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but I also don't do it with other people so then I can't catch strep from them and that's why I haven't gotten strep in over a year. Claps. Thank you. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, YMH is back. This is YMH Live 8 and the tickets are on sale right now. We have not been doing these for a while, so we had to come back bigger and better than ever. And we have, we have musical guest, Danny Brown, special guest, Tim


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dylan, we created original content just for this episode, spent major dough shooting major productions just to make this the most special one yet. Plus, of course, there's a crazy heavy segment and a lot more, and there's a VIP pre-show hosted by our very own


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh Potter. If you can't watch live, don't worry. You can watch the show for over a week after it airs live, but get your ticket now and it'll take care of you for the whole next week plus. Livestream.ymhstudios.com. Get your tickets right now and enjoy the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. You guys know we're huge, huge fans of Satva and their amazing mattresses. We've been sleeping on them for over a decade now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ten years on different Satva mattresses. Uhm, it is a game changer and you deserve to sleep on a high quality mattress that doesn't break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bank, you spend, I don't know, a third of your life or something on a mattress asleep and people will spend money on all kinds of things they don't need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But forget that you should invest in a great mattress. Get great sleep. It's a great product, environmentally friendly product.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they have luxury firm mattresses, they have memory foam mattresses, they have mattresses that will sit up for you when you're too lazy to do it like me. They're all amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Saatva offers us a great deal for you. You go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit and you'll get two hundred dollars off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I feel like that happens in life. Like a lot of times I'll be like, hey, you can't, you need to go back and say something to that person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not everybody, uhm, has the same skill set or approach to life also. Everybody approaches life differently. Yeaah. Like with how they navigate, you know, socializing. For instance,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, pretty cool guy. Uhm, I don't have a first name, I don't have a last name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like, being an asshole, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you also, you know that like, this is actually the guy he's dealing with is actually has a really agreeable attitude. Guy's just doing his job and you're just being like, nope, not a human.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, you're just being a dick. Just being a jerk face, yea. Everybody's, you've probably been in situations where you go into, you know, whatever, the DMV, or you're at an air, every once in a while you see this kind of interaction, you see someone, you're like, what the fuck is this person doing? And they're just being a dick, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but I'm saying this is a higher level of disagree, it's not like, he's not like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, no, uhm, I'm here because I had something to do this morning. Like that kind of thing where someone's like, oh, this person's like agitated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then he said, I don't have the ID, but like my person does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With your mother, it's false, it's good. He's like, you're not going to fucking punk me, kid. Get the fuck out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I gotta listen to your dumbass give me a speech about God and cameras. I wonder if this will escalate or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's got, oh yeaah, I've, I mean everybody that, that is true that if you are law enforcement, you get tates, that you do get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it also makes you think, what does it feel like to be on, like, to be just, you know, dusted up on a bunch of PCP?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like how, how does it feel for like eight men try to hold you down? You're like, NO! And they're like, like what's going on inside of you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you know what happens with a lot of people that get tased, right, is they get...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, let's say this, you know, murders happen in every socioeconomic


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know what I mean? Like if you're in a trailer or like a, you know, I don't know, like a small home and they're like, you know, a horrible crime happened here and then they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's gonna be, uh, $6,800 to kinda, you know, and they're like, ahh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't sell out who it is, but I, uh, I was on a charter flight on, on tour and they told me about a celebrity that was like, uh, hey, I want to smoke on this plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? It's a, it's a private charter plane. And they're like, ah, you can't. He's like, no, no, no. Call the, uh, call the operators, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there go, the guy goes, uh, hey I wanna smoke on this flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like $10,000. And he's like, fuck that, I'm not paying that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they go, alright, well, $5,000. And he goes, see, I knew you were fucking whores.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they agreed to 5,000 and he smoked on the flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they have to do like a deep, they have to do a deep cleaning though, right? Cause if you're smoking on something, it's gonna, like a tube, like a plain is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I heard another story on a flight where another celebrity


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, do you, I mean, you, you would do that in a hotel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have a friend that has a cigar lounge that he owns and that is nice to sit around, have a cigar, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember when I used to work at, uh, in post production and I lived in, uh, Valley Village.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I worked in- It's a village. ...Village. I worked in West Hollywood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I took Laurel Canyon over, which for people who don't live in LA, it's a big, you know, cut through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it takes you from the valley into the city, right? And it's incredibly jammed during the rush hour, right? Going into the city in the morning and coming back to the valley in the evening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was taking that every day. It was just, I lived right off of Laurel Canyon. It was the way I was gonna go to work. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I worked in this post-production place that had, you know, a hundred employees. And then one of them goes, oh hey, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw you on Laurel, I see you there all the time actually. They go, yeah, they go, yeah, you know, you just, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sit there, you listen to radio, and just watch you flick your cigarettes out of the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you be your, uh, when you part, did you have like a routine to like, get it off your breath or anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I had a teacher that spoke fucking two packs of Paul Mauls a day, but uh, they, they still did, for the students, they didn't allow any, anything like that. No shenanigans. No shenanigans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By math, and it really fucked everything up, you know? Cause what happens is like, if you do okay in that, and then excel in a couple things in average, it kinda balances out. You're gonna be closer to like, you're gonna be closer to a 3.0 probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It took me going to college and, you know, right, like my first semester in college, I had like a 3.8 GPA, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were like, uh, I mean, I remember one of the professors being like, you know, you're one of the best students, he pulled me aside to tell me that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that, that was encouraging. So then I started to do things like uhm, when I got my first term paper assignment, I went to the library that day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And started researching it for the, it was due in like three months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I started to just become a better student. So I forget what my college GPA was, it was notably higher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, by junior year in college I was like, oh, I could have gone to a much better school. I know. I could have, I could have, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I, I didn't even really ca- I remember going to like these after school sessions with this math teacher and he was like, you know, he was really nice and he was like, you know, now do you get it? And I was like, mm-mm. But I also wasn't like, man, I'm trying to get it. I was like, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At one point we were doing this thing where we were going over something in algebra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That had dissolved, and then I was like, well I don't, none of this makes sense to me anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? It all builds. Yeah, it all builds on each other. And I had a fucking friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a good buddy of mine who was so advanced in math that they didn't offer a math course high enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At our high school. So a van from the community college would come and pick him up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like during third period and take him to the community college so he could do an advanced calculus course and then it would bring him back. So he's taking college math and I was like, dude, six plus four is ten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say like from the inception, the idea of it, it was a year or more. You know, you've been talking about this for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I'm gonna be coming up here, let's see, August.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I know I have a, I have some days off in August, which is exciting, but I also have a bunch of shows. Uhm, let's see, August? Make that bigger for me. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have Niagara Falls, August 11th, I have Caesars, August 10th, which is in Windsor, Ontario. Pittsburgh, uhm, okay, that one's gone. Oh yea, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, I'm doing the Great Outdoors Comedy Festival August 14th. Uh, Penn State, I'll be at Bryce Jordan Center August 25th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm doing the Wind Creek Event Center in Bethlehem PA August 26th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the Palace Theater in Stanford, Connecticut, September.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's still a few tickets available, sorry, for my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 5th show, final show of Meridian Hall in Toronto in September. Okay. Uhm, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to this really good spot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He showed up, he had, he had, we were meeting with uhm, some producers about a project we've been working on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? I write the music, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, he shows up and he's like, I can just see it in his face, he's like, okay, I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? What is going on? He's like, had a couple cocktails on the way over here, right? Cause he took, he took, he took an Uber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flushed and red. His belly, you know, is all distended. And he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna tie one on, Tommy. I was like, I drove here. I didn't Uber here. Cause, uh, he's like, oh, that's right. And then he turns to the people, he goes, Tommy's always in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, business dinner. And I'm like, not drunk. Yeah. And I'm like, okay. So we sit down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they drop menus and, and Brooke goes, we don't need those. One of everything. One of everything. Like that. And I was like, okay. So they just bring out like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six appetizers, right? The table is a circular table, so it's occupying every inch of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're like, one of the people goes, uh, Tom, what do you want to drink? I go, uh, I think I want to do wine. They go, yeah, I'll do wine. And Burt was in the bathroom. So he comes back. He goes, we're not doing drinks. And I go, well, we ordered wine. So he's like, he goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, okay, so the, the waiter comes back and they start opening the wine and he goes, you know what? He goes, uh, I'd like a tequila, but uh, you know, while I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's like that, pours a glass of wine, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, uh, what's the best thing? What's the best thing on the menu? And they're like, well, this and that. And Bert's like, I'll take one of those and one of those. I go, you're having two entrees? He's like, he's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I take a bite of my dish, and as I look up, I'm not kidding you, as I look up, I see him doing the last bite. Stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then he cuts into the second dish, right? And it's a, it's chicken parmesan. It's like cheese. He's like, can you pass the salt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's like a cartoon character, you know? And then, he's putting this on, he goes, let me get another, he goes, another tequila! Like he screams it, it's a nice restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? You peel it and like you put it like between your teeth and you have like the end. So fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I offer this guy and he's like, I'm good. And I go, Bert, artichoke. He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he just takes it, takes a knife, cuts it in half and goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna start dressing nice. I go, you can. You look like a fuckin' sixth grader most of the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he's like, he's pretty fat. Uhm, he's not his absolute fattest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, what it is is he's just riding that line all the time, you know? Of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like to, like last night he really went off the rails, but like today,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might, he'll write it in and he'll do a crazy workout. Like the kind of thing that 99% of people, if they had last night's night with him, they'd be like, I'm in bed today, you know, or like I'm not doing anything. I'm sick. Yeah. And he'll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Run and lift weights and you know, he'll he'll be active today, which isn't like it's not going to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make him lose weight, but it'll keep him from probably going over the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. I don't think so. And then he does this thing, he always does this. Every time we hang out and there are drinks, you know, I think I'm like most people where I'm like, alright, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fun is, it's, you know, I want to go home now. And he'll be like, Tommy, Tommy, the night's just beginning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was telling the story about, you know, pickleball. It's like, it's like the game has become more popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you know, we'll do bus call cause we both tour a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, we'll do bus call, sometimes it'll be like a 4am bus call. So what we'll do is when the show's over,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll just play pickleball till 4am and drink in the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, if you described, if I lived his lifestyle, I would be dead or, you know, routinely hospitalized. Like, I don't know how he's alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he can just push through. I mean, the push through is the cra- It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The craziest thing about him is what his next day is like. Like today he probably got up at seven and was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's take a quick break and we will be back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a moment. Hey guys, it's the hydration god here and the hot summer months are also here. We need to be proactive about keeping our bodies fueled and hydrated. Making hydration a priority can help us feel healthier in our everyday lives and check this out with one stick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of liquid IV and 16 ounces of water, it hydrates you two times faster and more efficiently than water alone.