[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To ask the right questions and fact check and listen and explain, right, because you basically have to teach an idiot and gently explain to them why they're wrong in a way that they're just not going to either shut down or, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one's gonna understand it. So, you almost have to have a team of people in your ear, quickly googling and putting together what you should say. Or be, like, an absolute polymath of knowledge, cause you never know what bollocks these people are gonna come out with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like this, obviously the main problem with this though is that if you're not careful, it sort of can stifle these debates to the point where everyone's scared to say anything, because a lot of people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, like, we're used to this with Twitch chat, right, I'll say something, and people are like, well, not exactly. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they don't say that, they just say, Lewis, you're wrong, right? And I'm like, well, I'm not wrong, but I wasn't exactly right, that's not the same. Like, do you know what I mean? As long as you have the spirit of it, is that enough? That's the question, right? And so, what you end up with is, it tends to be who you would want to believe. I think this is the problem with people like Russell Brand. People...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People choose to follow him, because they think he is a good thinker for them. Like, a surrogate thinker. They're like, I can't be arsed to think, but this guy's doing the thinking, oh, I like this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the really interesting thing about Russell Brand and how he went through these eras of kind of, you know, darling of the left and the Guardian, you know, when he was sort of coming out and making these things about, you know, the anti-conservative sort of anti-establishment stuff, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then he sort of shifted into, when it wasn't really working, he sort of shifted into being this yoga guru, ice bath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so obviously the guy has absolutely no moral compass whatsoever, or is entirely a puppet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, blowing in the winds of whatever will pay him the most. It's kind of disgusting, and does he have no independent thoughts, or no, like, morals of his own?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, for example, like, looking at someone like, I hate Bernie Sanders, right? He never changed his view, or his mind, in 50 years, right? He was doing these marches, marching for things, and his, he would say the same things 50 years later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Supporting labour rights and people, y'know, a people, but not a people's party, obviously, but y'know. I know, we know what you mean. It was a good, he was, he, I mean, and he sort of, he didn't shift from that, right? And I just have, like, great respect for that, and I think that Russell Brand doing such a 180 in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ten years is astonishing to see, and I think unfortunately what it's done is, it's dragged a lot of people with him, you know, he's, he, he


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did a mass of following, because a lot of the stuff he was saying back in the day was good, and even the spiritual stuff wasn't harmful, you know, particularly. It's a bit wishy washy, and a bit nonsense, and a bit, you know, it can be a dangerous path to walk if you're taking advantage of vulnerable people with it, like, a bit like, doing, being


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only, only. Oh god. Um, yeah. So, yeah, truth. I don't know how I feel about it. Uh, we'll be nice. TRUTH!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how I feel about it. It just, it will be nice. I just, I know, I just want more, like, I want more fact checking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love, I love that, um, I love it when someone does that, like, high school, basically high school, like trying to explain things, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do think that this sort of thought process is not unique to us, it is the general consensus, and I think that will filter through to the people in power, and once the generation of old men running things dies off, things will turn around to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why people would say John Stewart should run for president, y'know, for years. But the people who should run for president never would in a million years, because it sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing though, the old thing is that the best person to be president is someone who doesn't want to be president. Exactly. That's why, that's why George Stewart should probably be president. Yeah. And in a sense he's, it's, there is precedent that a comedian becomes president, that's what Zelensky was, right? And he's a, he's doing pretty well, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think it's okay, like, the way I think it works is that, imagine you want to get more people to cycle in, or you want to reduce the number of cars in town, so you're like, okay, let's build some cycle lanes, right? That won't do anything, right? Because there's no incentive for people to stop driving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you need to do is suddenly if you bring a congestion charge in or make it more difficult to park or shut a load of roads down and give people no choice, then suddenly they're going to start cycling, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the way to sort of force change. But of course, every change you make causes unexpected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make them with positivity. Make them with a good attitude. Like, think that this is going in the right direction. And, you know, that's it. Let's, uhm, let's move on. I've got some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to master five time trails and a daring rescue mission where aviators must save their flight instructor before he is engulfed by a massive sandstorm. That seems crazy to me. I mean, I'm not being funny, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, what's next, Lulu? So, okay, uhm, Biden, President Biden... Old man Biden! ...has joined TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, call your, call your nan, call your mum, give them them rings, see how they're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there must be, because I watch some of these police shows, I know you do as well, there are definitely times when they're like, ugh, we lost them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's the CCTV as well, uhm, where it's like, we've got a shot outside the Marks and Spencer's on the high street, we can see the car here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I had some police come and take our, uhm, we've got cameras at home and they came and took the footage away. Because they just needed the timing on when this guy


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you call the police? What is your, what is your kind of, not related to what you've seen, not people licking your doorbell, but in general, what would move you to call the police? This is to both of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was uhm, speaking of weird noises and uh, and spookiness and intruders, uh, I was at the office last night until about 11 o'clock. 10.30. 11. Cause it was, no one was out, uhm, people were recording stuff or late streaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was pretty tired. I did the art stream and I hadn't had a great night's sleep the night before. So I was just chilling. Had some, uh, some takeaway for dinner. And then I was just watching YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which are actually funnier, he's not as in character in those ones, he's a bit more just regular himself. Just normal, yeah. Yeah, they're quite funny. Uhm, but the air conditioning thing, or whatever, the vents here or whatever, I swear to god there's an alien of some kind living in there. Right. Because the racket that these things make at night, when you're the only one in the office,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just the machinery doing whatever it does at night, doing it, but with no other noise, you know. Anyway, those Gordon episodes, full episodes, full episodes available on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I watch his stuff. It's really, really good. Really interesting. Yeah. It's interesting how he, he like, like you said, there's, he's not screaming at people. No. Um, at all. I think, uh, obviously for certain, this is just a busy restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect, like it cannot be, oh it wasn't our best, like every single dish has to be perfect and you've got to drill that into people, so I think it's a bit different for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's one where he's eating whilst cooking, like he'll do the cooking and then he'll stop and have a little bit of some beans and then go back to work and he's just sort of eating his dinner whilst he's uh, he's doing the job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish they'd taken the good bits of Jerry Maguire out, stripped away the love stuff, and just had the sports agent stuff, cause that was really really well done. But uh, they didn't, unfortunately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The coldest place on earth. Well, presumably the very bottom of the Mariana Trench is pretty nippy, but uh, south hole. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do love my aura frame, like genuinely we, uh, we, we gave them to, to everyone. Uhm, so my sisters...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me think, Tyra Banks was the host who won America's Next Top Model first season. This was some time ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, gosh, let me think. Let's just say maybe it was someone who subsequently went on to do something else. I guess it would have to be about thirty-something by now. I'll just fucking say, like, do a leaper or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, let me try and get there. Uhm, let me think of a Whitney Houston song. 1992, that might have been the bodyguard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hail Santa, you did it. I think Sips did animal, so give me animal too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh Florida, I was thinking California, sorry. Uuuuhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might have said Ronaldo, because he went to the Middle East. So I thought he might have made more money there. Oh, you thought it was a trick. But Messi makes a lot of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, isn't it the, oh I don't know if it's the Carolina Reaper or the Ghost Chili. I'll go with the Carolina Reaper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I love that show. Oscar-winning actor was on The Electric Company. I'm trying to think who it could have been. I watched this show back in the 70s. Who was on it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. Uh, let's, uh, hmm, let's think. So I think Frankenstein was written, Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein, but I don't think she wrote it on a typewriter. Say Bram Stoker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which in his will was that his body be donated to science for medical research.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Bradley Walsh was on Coronation Street. Oh, sorry, it was Coronation Street. And just looking at his filmography, guys, I've got some big news. In 2024, they're bringing back Gladiators and he's gonna be the presenter. Wow. Bradley Walsh and his son Barney.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, the voice actor for Gale, is it Tim-Tim Downey? I think his name is? He-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm your host, Bubbles, with my two sidekicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bubs, fuck. What's going on fuckers? This is the official Trailer Perf Boys podcast. It's coming at you right now. This is episode 30, no, 53. Wow. You sound like a dickweed. Yeah, I was. Look at me. I'm Julian. I can fuck do anything. Fuck off, Bubs. Welcome to the podcast. I'm the host, Ricky. See, that was professional, boys. See the tone and the volume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if you take a look around Julian, you might notice there's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four brand new fucking boxes behind you there. All housing these very excellent microphones here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But perhaps, okay, that's, why are they in the boxes? Cause I just got them in. How come they're not set up? How come this one isn't set up and you've had that for weeks? Cause I gotta get the wires and stuff for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta go to the music store and buy the wires that go into it. And the arms. Because you can't do what Ricky did with that last time. No, I'm gonna get proper arms. Arms and stuff, but that's from the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gibson Neat Microphone people, and I got them for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You name one fuckin' thing I've got from your deals. You got two shirts, didn't ya?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I forgot to give you the clock, but there is a clock for you. Forgot to give it to me, which is the fuckin' other meaning of that is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I held it back in case you wouldn't notice and then I'll sell it at the flea market. No, I wouldn't do that. That's what I forgot to give it to you means. Yep. Bullshit. Selfish. Selfish? How much selfish? I'm smarter than everybody here. Nope. Just so we're clear. Fucking shit. Well I'm second place then for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so maybe robbing people, you gotta be smart when you rob somebody. I'm better at robbing people than you are. No, you're reckless, man. Sometimes you gotta be reckless to get the better goods. No, sometimes you gotta be smarter. Well, all the times you have to be smarter to get the goods. You two both sound fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's your buzzers, boys. Buzzers? There's your buzzers, ringing just like Family Feud. What the fuck are you talking about? Let's have a little quiz show and see who's smarter. Pops, we're not doing that. Why? What are you gonna do? This is stupid. There's your buzzer. First one to cr- What's it gonna light it up? It's not lighting up anything. No, you gotta crush it, say, Ricky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll keep score and I'll ask the questions. This is like Family Feud, man. And we're a big family. Oh, that's adorable. That's adorable. This is stupid. This is like Family Feud, yes. And I'm Richard Dawson. Here, give me a kiss. Fuck off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That appeared on that show. So we banged, like the grandmother, the great-grandmother, the aunt. That's just what I heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't bang all of them. I heard that he did. There's no fucking way he banged all of his cats. I heard he'd go backstage and say, if you want a cat out front, dirty stuff right now. And he got it going. That's, that's the legend. That's the legend of the feud that I've read. Could be just made up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so we're playing, playing, uh, Sunnyvale Family Feud. Is that what's going on? Yeah, so I'll say a question. First one to bring in. Are you ready, Ricky?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just wait, he'll be in the zone. No, he'll be really fucked up in his eye. Ricky, do you wanna do this now or do you wanna smoke something? What would make me smarter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today's famous birthdays, bubs. You might be excited to know one of them. Okay. Neil Armstrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy fuck, really? Ed, who was your number one go-to when you were


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I had that one too. Bullshit. With the eraser nipples? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Julian. Don't be saying it like that, as if you're lying. You had a lock on your bedroom door, but it wasn't always locked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We saw what posters you had up. What the fuck are you talking about? No man. Everybody in the park knows. I was looking up some stuff and there was this dude that hid 7.2 grams of cocaine in his foreskin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe want one. A f- a what? A force kit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know. Why would you do that? I wouldn't, I'm just saying. Maybe this guy would. Why would you also hide cocaine in there? No idea, man. It's, I think it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You remember when he did that? No, I don't remember. He was trying to smoke a joint with his wiener. And he passed out and it burned right down. He had it in the piss hole? Yes! Oh man. I did not hear that. I remember Corey and Trevor talking about how they used to blow weed smoke up each other's... No, they didn't. They said it made them more fucked up faster. Up their ass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there is a part of your body that's impossible to lick. Your tongue. What? No, you can lick your tongue. Oh, fuck, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I don't know how to score this one. The actual answer was your elbow. I've done that. I had to break it, but I did it. Oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How is the answer your elbow? Cause that's right, you can't, nobody can look right there. How can you look right there? Like I said, some people can, Jesus them is good. Lucky bastard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you watch old footage, if you watch old footage, you sir, uh, wanna rock and roll all night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll have to pretend I'm strong as Julian, though. Why don't you fuck off? Just hit the fucking cup. Okay. How about this one? What is a group of twelve or more cows called? Julian was in first, just by a hair. Herd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll try to build one. You're into a lot of stuff then. Alright. No, I want to do more of these. Okay, here's one more. Are we ready? For the win. It's one nothing. You had an answer that wasn't technically right. It was totally right, man. I have to do research on that before I can give you that. I think somebody has licked the back of their head. There's no fucking way, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you done? Are we done? Just get on with it. The last one, tie breaker. Okay! Here's the tie breaker. What normal bodily function can cause you to break a rib?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think if you were actually shitting your rib would just pop. Constellation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go with coffin. Because I went with coffin, then he knew that I was thinking sneezing. So I put the sneezing thing in his head. So really, it was me that made him win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pretty sure my grade 8 math teacher said that he did break a rib while he was trying to use the bathroom. But maybe it was something else. Which teacher?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, he walked in the class and said, oh my god class, I just broke a rib trying to sh- No, he didn't come back. The fucking principal came in and said, uh, yeaah, he's not coming back. He went to the bathroom and broke a rib.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it was either do it outside in the woods or do it in my pants. It was coming out. But then, when I tried to get the rest of it out, there was some issues and anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Ricky, so what situation could you be in where it's either coming out or in my pants?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it, ground or pants? In your pants or on the ground? Like it came on quick and you can't make it to the bathroom. How old would she be? Christmas concert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's five, Ricky, at the time. Yeaah, you don't wanna miss that. In your pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once they got a couple under their belt, you know, fuck I saw the last two, so I'm gonna go ground on that at that point. Okay, uhm, you've been waiting in line at the bank for about three hours to get to the teller, you get to the teller, you gotta poop. And it's coming out, what do you do? I'm really pissed off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you're mad because they're putting you into overdraft. Ground. And I'm going to say that was your fucking fault. Clean it up. You'd shit right in the bank, right on the floor. You'd shit in the bank, would ya? If someone made me fucking wait for three hours and then, you know, it's all coming to a head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found some other shit about this Ronnie, this guy's name is Ronnie Music. Great handle. Oh, that guy. That might be Dawn Musics, brother. One fucking three million bucks a lottery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three million. So he bought three million dollars worth of math? I don't know if he bought all of it on math, but a lot of it. It's like, oh fuck, I got three million dollars and I can turn that into ten. See, you know what? I think that was kind of a good idea. He shouldn't have gotten into the math, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be illegal, man, because- Oh, do you mean invest in- Do you mean invest in one of those weed companies? No, I'm talking like street weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying you don't gotta invest all of it like at once. You can invest that, you know, a bit in weed, a bit in hash. I like your thinking. Get some booze. Yeaah. Let's do it. Just kinda sit on it for a while. How about a mutual fund?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, that's, that's a paper trail then, okay? If you're gonna be paying taxes on that shit, fuck taxes. Taxes will fuck you. It would be a mutual fund, like it would be all of our money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is all in film, right? You're gonna give us 25 grand a month if you win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No I'm not, I just said I'm not. How many lottery tickets do you buy a week? Seriously. I buy a lot. How much? 20 bucks. Bullshit. That's all. 20 bucks a week. Yeaah. There's nothing more annoying than you gotta get gas, and you're dealing with a fucking cop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those people drive me fucking nuts. I'm not a lottery dick. You are a lottery dick, man. You get them to check your tickets. Hey, can you check these? It's like, why don't you fucking check them yourself instead of holding us other people up that don't give a fuck about those lottery tickets, whether you won or not. That's right. Do you get them to check your tickets or no? You check your own. I check my own, but I get them to put them under the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then when I go in, I get them to double check with the scanner, and I have to hand them all the tickets, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it takes you a while to look at it and then you think the guy's lying and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're there for ten minutes. Oh, I'm a customer too. I get some time at the gate. Ten minutes, man. I get some time. Hey, Bobs, do you like tits? Naked tits? Uh, no comment. There's this thing I found that's called Tramps Against Trump. I know you don't really like Trump that much. These chicks will send you, uh, pictures of their naked tits if you vote against Trump. Oh my God. It's a good little deal for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you know how voting works, Ricky, don't you? You gotta be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But as soon as you cross over, aren't you one of those things you talked about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Ricky, you gotta live there. You gotta be a permanent resident before you can vote. Well, once you're there, you're living there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You live there. You should be allowed to vote. So you go somewhere else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were living there at that time. Imagine if that was true, then Donald Trump would just hire, you know, 10 million Mexican people to come over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he'd just bring in, you know, pay 20 or 30 million people to come in and vote. Maybe he's doing that. That's why we need to go down and vote the other way. No, I'm saying it's not possible, Rick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, well, anyway, if you want to see some beautiful naked boobs, find a way to vote for Trump. Or not Trump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care about politics anymore. Fuck politics. Politics can suck it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got any more of that stuff we wanna smoke before we end this or what? Cause we're not fucked enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's, this is a fu- it's, it's kind of a sad story. This is 10 year old Indian boy, right? He's addicted to dog milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He shows a little picture of his dog on his back. And how old's the person? He's ten now, but he's been doing it since the age of two. It's just random.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's dogs on the back and he's sucking on the dog. So dog tits make milk all the time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he just pick up dogs that just had fucking... He just knows which ones to grab, man, okay? He knows all the dogs. The dogs are coming from all over the place. So he's not grabbing male dogs and... No, he's not sucking on the wrong thing, boss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't mean, but male dogs have nipples, you know. Do they have milk in their nipples? No. Oh. But I'm just saying, does he grab male dogs and do it to them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's probably made that mistake a few times and nothing came out, so he moves on. Doesn't a female dog have like 8 or 10 nipples? That, that's, yea, something like that. That could have been one of my questions. How many nipples does a female dog have? No idea. Don't care. I do. So what's the, what's gonna happen with this now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he needs to go outside, there's got to be someone around because he's addicted to sucking on dog tits. Oh, don't knock it till you try it, I guess. Maybe it's like fucking heroin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it depends on if they have rabies, that's the biggest problem, right? Dog milk! They could be drinking piss, and piss gets into their tit milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, those dogs are laying on the ground all day in filth. Yes. Just in absolute filth. And then he's cleaning up their nipples with his lips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. I mean, look at the picture of this guy. He's a pretty happy looking kid. He's got his hand on the dog's head. Just finished having a little meal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause the dog's probably something, doing something in return. Can we talk about something that's not so fucked?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that I'm high, you can't show that to anybody. What the fuck does it say? It's a, oh my god, he created a new animal. It's called a Shorse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's shark horse. Palermino Shorse. What the fuck is- Look at it's head, it's got a shark head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was watching those shark NATO things and I was thinking, fuck, what if a shark could live on land? And it fucked a horse. And that was boring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm. I don't think we should have lit that back up. No? No, like, fuck me. Like, why was... Why was this so much stronger, the last bit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, this podcast is sponsored, uh, by Trailerpartboysmerch.com. Oh, and these papers that we, uh, used in the show. And Gibson and Neat Microphones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just becoming like a real thing all of a sudden. Kinda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not you. Oh. Good thing I'm off the hook, fuck I don't feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was at the barber, Julian, cause I had my beard. Remember last time you saw me I had a beard? I went to the barber, and the barber got this for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck can you watch? Pissos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's because I had brownies for breakfast, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We take the deck of cards like this, right? Yup. And we go like this. Like that. And we hold the cards up like this. And then we take the cards like this. We take them like that. Put them like this. And then we go like that. And we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woop! Like this, and we go TA-DA! And fuckers. Blow your mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know much about him except people said, uh, you should play him on the stage. And I said, yeah, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you compare your day in the life of Jim Leahy? It was a social critic. No, see I don't have a propensity for all those other things like marijuana, cocaine and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A momentary lapse of judgment, Julian. Doing lines off of Randy's junk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you always used to do, you used to blame Randy. Of course Randy, he was always fucked up as a kid. Yea, I remember you, Julian. You were a good boy. You were so industrious, cut people's lawns, did painting, you babysat, you did everything else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They put a little fuckin' mason jar in the underground, and the dog goes, ah, ah, ah, and he sniffs out the mason jar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lickermans? I've just realized it makes you feel friendlier. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like we have through the years been at each other's throats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which means? Which means it's all in your head. Like he thinks- Oh fuck, I agree. It's the- he thinks that if he wears a shirt he'll break- cause he got pissed on by a horse in that parade, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That my life is not predicated by my dickus, because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? The clock's a very powerful thing, isn't it, Julie? The clock. Is it over?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the fucking girls didn't get the goddamn fish. The fucking, the camera guy asked the producer, and the producer brought, here's the fucking thing, Lillian. I don't ever, will we do it? Just look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I read a thing in the New Yorker the other day, and it said if you orient yourself, is that the right word, orient? If you what? Orientate yourself? Where the fuck does it? Does that mean you're from Asia? If you know where North and South is? Oriental. Now, when you learn something like this, Julian, this beautiful thing,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get something out of you. Oh look what I found! Fucking bullshit detector! Oh my god. How does it work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not though. You're not? You fucking piece of shit. Anybody wanna buy a bullseye detector?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, look, you guys were pointing in exactly the right direction. The little needle that's pointing over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we should start the broadcast. I'll go off, you introduce me as a special guest, and I will fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never know, but. Alright, so I have one thing I just want to ask as a special favor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't do that. You're gonna be sorry, Julian. Our show, Randy and Lay's show, we're gonna start inviting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some kind of liquor and orange, uh, fruit crystals that you mix up. When you drink it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't do it, I've done it a couple times, but I don't do it every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's bullshit. You always get the gas to say, oh, je gasse, je gasse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds dumb. Stupid. Alright, that sounded good. Alright, we can start now. Are you gonna do it? No, you guys just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See? That's an animal that thinks he's smart and he's fucking dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good idea, he's gonna fucking, how the fuck can I be heavier? Oh fuck, look at those rocks. Swallows him down, fucking goes deeper, then all of a sudden he's like, oh fuck, now I gotta shit those rocks out. Dumb animal. Cause I'm not gonna feel good coming out, trust me, I've been there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ate everything to try to sell this shit down, didn't work anyway, and coming out, not good at all, especially the ones that have edges. Anyway, that's a pretty fucked up fact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you got anything else that's more exciting than dumb fucking alligator?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I do have a few things here, man, but I lost them. We could talk. Did you guys order your Tom potato plants? My what? Remember, I said, ketchup chips would be great if you could grow a fucking plant. Had the fucking potatoes and the tomatoes on the same plant. And you thought I was fucking the head? They have them now. They have a fucking plant, came out and over in the country across the ocean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Called a tom-tato. It grows tomatoes and fucking potatoes in the same plant. I could have been the fucking billionaire. And you said I was an idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' grow your potatoes in your tomatoes in me ketchup chips. One fuckin' plant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you fucking serious, man? Look it up. Tom Kato plant. Tom Tato plant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's what I was figuring, how the fuck the potatoes grow in the air when they're used to growing underground cause they don't like the light. Yea, that makes more sense. Smart fucking guy that did that. Yea, he is actually a pretty smart guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you hear about that cocksucker that wanted to cross the, uh, Caribbean... It's not a lake. An ocean? Is it a Caribbean ocean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like similar to that, yeaah. And it was clear. Yep. So he caught himself then, probably. I don't know, I don't know if he made it, that's what I was asking ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I'd like to go there now though, based on what he's saying. Based on what? He said it's pretty different there. Why wouldn't you want to go, man? Is it worth going or is it...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's more than three a day when you think about it. Just mix alone. Oh yeah, mix. If you include the whole mix thing, man, that's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this must be the average person that doesn't consume with alcohol, maybe. You think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck yeah. Definitely. That's only three a day buffs. I mean, that's what? Ten drinks? On a weekend, you're 15, 30 drinks. That's a lot of, that's a lot of mix. On a night, on a weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Facts that are right though, that's fucking wrong. That was way wrong, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we're going out for the day and he decided to break into my trailer and you're in there pounding someone in my bed, I'll...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but what's the purpose of it? Makes me learn. It's if somebody


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, what a weird invention. So what is it, like a little bug, electronic bug that's in the, uh, the bed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you were gonna be Mr. Heyer. I'm gonna have stuff. This time. That's what you told us. And now you're looking like an idiot. Well, what did you guys say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lucy may or may not have got bit by a bug in the middle of something and jerked forward really crazily hard and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's done! What do you mean, it's done? Hey, Bobbs, I'll choose that. No more chicasa? Done!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last Mailbag episode, you had mail from someone who mentioned that they got worse advertising since they turned off targeting, and I felt this might be on purpose by Google. That listing was totally right in the outcome, but wrong in the reasoning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Targeted ads are way more valuable to advertisers and therefore generally fetch a premium. When you're buying premium ad space, you tend to see better production values, higher quality of the ads, and so on. Most reputable brands only want to target their demographic and are fine paying a premium for targeting. The only buyers of ad space that don't care about targeting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This means that if you don't consent to targeted advertising, you are likely to receive much worse ads as a result.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can also add, hold on, that if you are streaming live TV today from a broadcaster, you are likely to get targeted ads in the ad break. This is known as addressable TV or live ad replacement. While this is often transparent to the users, it just looks like a normal ad break provides the broadcasters much higher revenue per ad sold. So there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they are almost exclusively targeted at old people. Like if you watch actual live TV, which I haven't done in a very long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when you do, like if I'm at my mum's or something and she's got the telly on, it's all adverts for funeral expenses. Although they don't call it funeral expenses, they call them, and of course, helping our family out and alleviating worry about those final expenses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First, some context. I live in London and only have to move my boat every two weeks. Maybe a mile or half a mile down the canal. I could charge my laptop and my phone from my batteries no problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see if you guys recognize this title. The King's Casino in Rosvedov.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is from Jay, a tiny todger-haver. Just today I was speaking to my brother-in-law about the Jingle Jam Poker Night, uh, and the conversation moved on to the fact that he was friends with quite a successful poker player in Europe. His friend has since stopped playing, to my knowledge, but instead has turned to commentating it. I asked where he was doing this, and my brother-in-law said somewhere on the border in Germany.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is sort of like an A road, I guess. It's not far from Nuremberg, it's near Bavaria, so you've got a lot of big southern German gents. And that's it, they just go, it's literally the first town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I appreciate that, brother, I really do. So here's one just literally plot from the mailbag, unread. If it's shit, we can just cut it. Okay. Right? Ray, the Sips family Christmas sickness. From the sounds of it, I think they have norovirus, aka the winter sickness bug. As the name suggests, it's prevalent this time of year. Generally just makes you vomit and or have diarrhea, but it's very transmissible. The thing is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went through every pair of boxes I'd packed for the trip. My stepdad had thought this was completely fine and slept through it. Oh sorry, my stepdad though, was completely fine and slept through it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here we go. This is- this is- I said nothing about South Africa, I- I believe. I just said I didn't want- I didn't fancy going to Africa because it's got similar wildlife issues. Yeah. This guy just says, I'm a 22 year old Brit whose family has lived in southern- southern Africa for upwards of 20 years. Here are some wildlife horror stories that are 100% real. Pick any you find interesting. I'm gonna read them all, Jack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the first one? Uh, it was living near Cape Town, the baboons that will eat dogs, cats, and children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, there it is, the putsy. Oh, so, on Africa travel resource, it's, it's TSI, uhm, on Wikipedia, it's listed as the putz with a ZI, as Lewis said, and this guy spells it a different way again. They look revolting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is young. He's got a picture of him, uhm, in front of, oh sorry, on a rock, doing a thumbs up. He's got a picture of him doing a hang loose sign in front of a painting of a frog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's a picture of him with giant clogs on, leaning to one side looking goofy, and it says unusual skills. I can cross one of my eyes. Not both, just one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So bear in mind that this guy has asked for help, right? So he has specifically asked us. We'd not unsolicited messaging him and saying, he's asking for help from a dating god, Lewis Brindley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because this is an email called Comedy Show Date Disaster from Sam. And this is, uh, this is even if you get the date, you might end up with something like this. This is, uh, this is a reasonable story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is, this is from Ethan. Listen, this is an Australia email, but bear with me. This is not related to what the current topics of Australia have been. This is different. Hi, first of all, I want to say I've been listening since I was 14. You shouldn't be doing that, young fella. Now 20. Jesus. You three have instilled me with a lot of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, uh, this is an interesting one. I, I, I don't think I would mind it too much. Uhm, as long as it was like an underground place that had tunnels. I love ants, so I could pretend to be an ant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like, I love them. I got into them when I was in school, I had to, in biology we had to study ants, and I was like, yeah, I'd love a, I think it's called a formicarium, like a thing that you keep ants in. Some guy was complaining, uh, either in an email, or a chat, or a Twitch chat the other day, saying that he went to a zoo and all, you know British zoos are shit because all they have are ants, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's like something, it's a follow up to that one about the giant monsters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, uh, this is advice for dating apps guy from a woman. Okay? This email comes from a woman. Stop calling us females. We aren't animals. I think that is a very, very good piece of solid advice. Don't refer to women as females.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, I got basically a royal summons with a fancy invitation with gold edging. Some people I know didn't receive their invitations despite them being delivered by the royal mail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always joked that if I met the king it would be great to just loudly go, BWAH! to try and scare them and see what happens. Turns out even I got kind of swept up in the excitement. When I was corralled into my group's turn to meet the king, I got so flustered by the pressure of the situation that I involuntarily did a little bend of my knees and hoped no one noticed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where the toilet water just kind of whooshes away from you almost instantly. It was like a reverse ejector seat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also that I don't think it's possible to have an awkward conversation with someone whose entire job is meeting new people. I really think they are experts at making you feel at ease and being polite and being knowledgeable. And they're very good at just saying like having this trivial knowledge about everybody's jobs. You can always ask a question about something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so this guy, he's worked as an officer for 12 years across London boroughs, uh, and this guy, uhm, sorry, he's worked for 7 years. This, this officer has worked for 12 years in various boroughs, he's been moved teams at least 4 times. We'll call him Dave. He's laughably incompetent and lazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is things Dave did while I was giving a deaf message. So you have to go to the house. He was telling a mother that her adult son had died. So that's what this copper is there doing and Dave is with him. So this is what Dave did whilst the guy was giving this appalling message. Interrupted me to ask what breed of dog they have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every city has something to offer from the cultural urban hubs like Sydney, Melbourne and Tassie, while others have beaches, sun and fascinating glimpses of wildlife like Brisbane, Perth and Adelaide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Salt, salt, salt, yeah, have you ever tried salt or watermelon? Not like table salt, like a little bit of kosher sprinkled salt, you know, a little bit of nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's like a sleep apnea thing, I think a lot, that's, that's kind of, I think, sleep apnea is similar to that, like sleeping... Multiple, multiple times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How strong are we talking? Are we talking like opioid crisis, or are we talking like modern day coding? No, we're talking like some coding. Math.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coding, okay, so it's stuff you can still buy over the counter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it is always sort of surprising to me how many horrible asshole options there are in video games, and how, like, y'know, there's a lot of them in Baldur's Gate, there's a lot of them in, y'know, the Fallout games, y'know, you can really, and even Mass Effect, you can really be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want people to tell me why, cause whenever I play these games with choices, I always find it very difficult to be an asshole, unless, for no reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, I just always, like, feel bad. Like, I dunno, like, I feel bad when I'm seeing, like, even, like, watching back, like, videos of, of people, like, showing me clips of, like, what happens when you're mean to this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, what happens if you do this to this? What happens if you kill all these guys and you talk to this guy and he's sad? Like, do you know what I mean? What if you kill this guy's whole family and then talk to him? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, um, P-Flex, when you build, when you make a character in game, do you make it look like you, or do you go with like a specific thing? Like a specific idea?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well of course, I think that's, that's, that's a different one. Like how do you feel Pflux about like scars or like tattoos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not all of your popcan tags. But yeah, Acetone's the other one that I used to use for cleaning. That's like nail varnish remover. You gotta be careful with these though, cause sometimes you can like take the surface of the thing off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this is a pretty famous urban myth, the Ladasha. I don't know if it's, if it's, if this is a real email, because I remember this being a, I've just googled it and it's like a Snopes article, that it's not, that it's not real. I'm sure I heard this about ten years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, so did you, do you have a reserved plot or a plan for if you died, where you would go, do you know where you would go? No, I have life insurance, that's about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They say all fear, all fear comes down to a fear of the unknown, right? Like, not necessarily knowing what will happen, or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't need, I don't need no fucking Elden Ring horse. No. I don't need no weird immortal god horse. Hell no. It's weird, you'd be, everyone would say, this horse guy, the horse would overshadow your personality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right Ian, if you'd pick the horse, uhm, I don't wanna have to look after that horse, yeah, like, I'd feel bad. I wouldn't even look after the car, honestly. It's a slave, it's an obsession.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because your dog is your computer. Exactly. It's better to be careful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can gain access to and steal your personal data but ExpressVPN creates a secure encrypted tunnel between your device and the internet so they can't. It would take a hacker


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So please get yourself an extra three months free of ExpressVPN at expressvpn.com slash triforce slash expressvpn.com slash triforce. Thank you very much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so one of us could be the narrator, one of us could be Chuck, and one of us could be Calvin. But these are clearly American tips, so it would be nice if you did one of the voices.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Alright, I'll do, I'll do the rights, alright. Interior tavern, back room, night. You don't have to read those bits, that's not- Yeah you do, that's how-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Traveling through the open door we reveal a dimly lit room with a table in the middle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ...poker gay. There are five people around the table. Calvin meeks, he puts his cards on the table grinning, knowing that he has just won a big pot of money, and he goes to scrape the poker chips towards him before the man opposite him, Chuck Hobbs, slams his fist into the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chuck leaps up from the chair and rushes over to Calvin throwing him off of his chair and onto the ground. The other men jump up from their chairs, taken off guard. Chuck lands one punch on Calvin for being hauled off him by the others.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He tries to get at Calvin, failing to do this. He spits on the ground in front of Calvin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let go, uh, let go by the other people in the room, return to their seats, and the others watch as Calvin takes his revolver out and removes all of the bullets except one, then spins the chamber, allowing it to stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before pushing the chamber back in, the revolver has six cylinders and we can see that the bullet has landed in the cylinder at the bottom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The room is deadly silent as Chuck takes the revolver to the side of his head. The only sound we hear is the clicking of metal as Chuck cocks the hammer of the revolver, turning the chamber and readying the weapon to fire. He takes a deep breath before scrunching his eyes closed and pulling the trigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chuck opens his eyes and exhales, throwing the revolver onto the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Calvin takes the revolver, rotating the next cylinder into place, and pulls the trigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Click. Calvin opens his eyes and exhales, throwing the revolver onto the table, and Chuck suddenly looks far more worried and concerned as he reaches for it. Chuck places the revolver to the side of his head. Moments before he pulls the trigger, he thinks he sees a small smile creep onto Calvin's face, but it's too late, and he pulls the trigger. Bang!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bullet pierces Chuck's skull and his brains fly out the other side, his lifeless body falling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As Calvin stands up to leave, taking his money and his revolver with him, Calvin walks out into the noisy saloon and sees that everyone inside is none the wiser to the events behind the steel door. One of the men from inside follows him out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It needs a little work, but I like the premise of course of the end of that greased up revolver that's, you know, the well maintained spinning


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yeah, but what are your choices, you know? Where can you go from there? I liked it. Thank you. That was fun. It was pretty good. It's better than I could ever do, anyway. Give us- send us in more of your scripts. Not AI generated, please. People send in scripts. You can tell it's not AI generated because it had that little gimmick at the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's like a signal that it's like, AI is too generic. It doesn't come up with like those little clever twists and clever solutions. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I've never really understood why, why I would order a Guinness. Like, uh, I've never had enough of a motivation. I don't know what I'm looking for, either. Like, it's just, yeah, I guess, I have tasted Guinness, I've drunk Guinness, but usually it's of someone else's point, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're trying to... I don't think it's in McDonald's. I know kids do love McDonald's, but I don't think they like it because it's keeping them young. Yeah, it's weird. It's kind of the reverse, isn't it? Like, you'd imagine that McDonald's was sucking the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's, it does, it is, it is again like this fear of the unknown. The future is unknown, right? And I think that people worry that the world is fragile because we're constantly told like, oh, you know, if a solar


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's like, oh, okay. You know what I mean, like, there's always these apocalyptic ideas, right, floating around, and there's so many of them, because they make gripping news, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Asteroids, volcanoes, I mean, they were twenty years ago, but, you know, the Cold War before that, you know, nuclear war, nuclear armageddon, all of this is still in the back of everyone's mind. There's so many ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think humans are prone to it though, I think we've always been prone to this idea, in the same way we like to collect things, I think there's lots of things that were helpful for us to survive in the early days, be very paranoid, be very scared, be very like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not, not, not diving into an unknown pool of water. I don't know, like, you know, the stuff that kept us alive is in our genes, in our DNA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those YouTube channels actually get paid. They don't believe the shit they're peddling in the same way that these pastors, these super churches, don't believe in any of their shit either. If they did, they wouldn't have fucking Ferraris or private jets. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well for a start, you gotta understand that a lot of stories we tell on this podcast are not necessarily exaggerated comic effect, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like cherry picked, do you know what I mean? Like obviously we had a lot of very normal conversations and other stuff as well as these funny things that happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it's, I don't think you should ever stalk people from the podcast. Agreed. Or try and find them in real life or ask them about this stuff. You can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my advice would be to not. And I think over time, certainly I'm trying to anonymise the interactions that I have with people. Like, like when we were talking about the bands I'd seen at the weekend. If you wanted to, you could look at the Simple Things festival line up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About if he was weirded out by a weirdo on the internet is a good thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you reading with those now? I'm not reading with them, I just, I've been using them a bit. You just see things you don't normally see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You used to back him up and do the spinning thing with him over your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that, you got cheezies, beef jerky, popcorn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, you said you were gonna start combining things. Is this what you've been doing, Ricky?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man, what was it? Okay, what are these called? I'm gonna try one of your-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chococo bean buttercup. I'm gonna try one right now. Peanut buttercup, jelly bean, and a nacho chip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, it should be, we should be playing against each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't read that? This is like three feet. I can read it just fine, I see it. Okay, who's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got an idea, if you maybe just not use the fucking muffler on the car to do your hair, there's an idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are they gonna start making these fucking things so everybody can have them or what's that? I don't think they'd be allowed cause I mean what do you do if the fucking engine cuts out? Drop to your death in front of your family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ricky, who would hand a fuckin' jet-powered hoverboard to a child?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, but that doesn't mean I'm sure the thing's gonna cost a lot of money. It's got four jets on it. I could build one though. We should start working on one, Ricky. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've, you've watched astronaut training on YouTube. I've built my own training devices. It's not the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. The centrifuge I built is probably more powerful than the one NASA uses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I mean the little jet engines you get on the radio controlled airplanes. I'll use four of those, maybe ten of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go, me and Ricky are gonna go for a drive on it. You won't be included. You're gonna build something that two people are gonna get on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is a fucking awesome invention. Better than the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mr. Take Charge. Oh yeaah, this is brought to you by Chukaza. What the? Chukaza. Here we go. It's uh, March the 25th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uh, Sarah Jessica Parker's birthday. You had a crush on her, Julie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, way back, man. Like, you know, the early seasons of that show she was on, she was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sluts in the city, or whatever the fuck it was. Sex in the city. Sex in the city. Elton John, you like him, bubs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aretha Franklin, you like her buffs? I do love her. Wish her a happy birthday. Happy birthday Aretha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't even notice it was there until it was too late. It's one of these new fucking kinds of lights that you can, uh, plug her into your hooch-er in your car. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this runs off these, or you can plug it into your hooch-er. Or, er, not or, but this is also a mag-let. So you can fuckin' watch this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the cab guy could have owned it, or another possibility was that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a lay on top of it and it does it's own homework or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same as taking a piss, really. Pissing in the sand. Getting nothing out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should talk to Jakasa. Jakasa. I think the guy's a fuckin' idiot. Why? Well, depending on who the fuckin' pays for it, but does he have restrictions?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, you can do a lot with 10 grand, but I don't think it's worth... Can you have your fucking forehead removed and replaced for 10 grand? Probably not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not an idea that she may fucking regret. Well I guess she could, like, get it taken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet you could. Except your head, you couldn't do your whole head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you can do other things. Tattoos can get removed. It just costs money. Yea, but you're talking like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy at school fucking cut his whole hand off the, uh, table saw and the fucking guy glued it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't work very good, but it was still back on there. Did it turn black and like kinda chip off? It never looked the same as the rest of his arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he could almost carry stuff in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, cause kids would be like, what the fuck are those people doing? And you're like, well, I guess it's time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd probably just say, well that guy's using his gas hose to refuel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually those are, those are drug tears, I'm not gonna lie. Those tears were made with drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we smoke another one, try to come down a bit? Are you fucking kidding me? Not a chance, man. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I can jump down three stories, hit that balcony, do a little rotation, and then land on the ground, perfectly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet he won't do it again then, which makes him not totally dumb. You know, I think dogs are smarter than fucking cats, man, anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cory, Cory would probably do it. He'd be that dumb. What about fuck, Kali?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man. Okay, fucking moving on then. How about the fucking jail? Down in Virginia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't get pictures there anymore because the fucking drugs were getting soaked into the pictures and the inmates were eating the pictures, getting fucking high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty smart. I'm gonna try that next time I go to jail. Send me lots of pictures, bubs. You gotta soak them in this drug called... LSD? Soobox One. Soobox One. Never heard of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little bitch's name is Claudette. And she's got four claws, I guess. Coral and mane. Three claws on one arm, one on the other, which is super fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause then it's just like, maybe it had a twin that didn't get fully whatever. I mean it still could be a twin. It could have been laying like this. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be quite an advantage though, wouldn't it? If you had two extra arms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a tough one. Nah, I'm probably sitting down comfy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has there ever been sexual stuff in space? Do we know that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Astronauts teeing off on each other? Oh, big time. Someone must touch themselves at some point, no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Cause you wouldn't want a lot of that stuff floating around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This other chick almost cut off a dude's nuts and nut sack. Cause he didn't bring her flowers on National Women's Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had to have emergency surgery, but there's nuts in the soccer. Okay, I guess. Did they break up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you're fucking stupid, you wouldn't know what day it is. We wouldn't fucking bring flowers home, so what happened? All of a sudden you got a knife slicing at your balls and nuts. Balls and nuts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Paul's in the nutsack, I guess. Nuts and ballsack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad said it's because some people's nuts are shaped like balls and some people's balls are shaped like nuts. So it's two different terms for the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some balls are shaped like balls and some are shaped like nuts. Two different words for the same fucking thing. You're testes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but how do they do that? There's only three or four different ways it could be done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You either built the ship and then made the bottle around it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe that's what this stuff is, it's like a heat protection. The blue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so maybe that's not the way. Maybe if this is, used to be, the blue stuff used to be soil. They planted a boat seed, watered it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it grew, but that probably wouldn't make sense because it would just keep growing bigger and get too big for the bottle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the only other way I could think of would be, it's not real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a weird painting that you're looking at it, but it's in there, you know what I mean? Mirror tricks. It's not a painting, man. No, it's a fucking boat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, we'll just leave that a mystery. He's stumped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no fucking way this was built in the bottle. I could see if they had a tiny enough guy to get in there and build it. He could just jump in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about a smart trained hamster or something that could fit through the opening and use his little tiny little claws to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a fucking tough one. That's, that's how you think it's done?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm starting to come, uh, down and really getting attired. Okay. It was like we were on a roller coaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe this thing will wake me up. Is it dangerous, Mops?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bubbles can do, uh, bubbles can do the music of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on you fuckers? Trailer Park Boy Podcast. This is number what? What is it? Number 12? 8? 12? 17? 19!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Podcast number 19, live from Central Park in New York City. December 11th. It is December 11th, Ricky. Good job. Thanks guys. Good job, Ricky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Live from Central Park in New York City, look at this boys, this is fucking exciting. You know what the good thing is about this place right now? It's December 11th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we don't have jackets on or nothing. It's fucking, it's actually kind of warm. I feel fantastic. We're at the Chess and Jackers house here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the people that are just listening to this, you're just hearing it right now. For the people that are watching it on Swear Nut, look at this. Central Park. Why are they called Central Park? Cause we're in the center of it? No, it's kinda central to the city, Ricky. It's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think from 8th Avenue over to 5th, like it's wide as fuck. It's a big park. But how did it survive? Like how did they not- why is nothing built here? I mean this land must be worth a lot of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They brought in that much dirt and then they sculpted her into, you know, hills and did the layout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, if you took all the dirt that they used in here and put it on a football field, it would go up 80 stories. Why would you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and now it's, you know, now it's like the focal point of New York City. It's like, everybody comes here. You know what else is the focal point of New York City? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lots of shit you can make solids out of on the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You went camp and I ate a piece of it too cause Ray told us it was chicken. And then I found the fucking squirrel pelt. What did it taste like, Bubs? It was terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not coming for us. There's bigger fish to fry in the city than us, Ricky. Oh. You guys ever come visit me when I live here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The center of the park of the central New York. Can we start the fucking podcast? Yes! What do we gotta do to start it? I've got some facts here about Central Park.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know we already talked about some, but these here are more interesting. So it's man-made. It's man-made. It's fucked when you live off the land. Listen to this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They figure somebody smuggled one in, you know, as a small guy. Yep. Tossed him in the lake and the cocksucker kept getting bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet he did. All the fucking huge squirrels run around here and little dogs. And then people, you know, were spotting them and stuff. Hopefully they didn't eat any kids. There's also been sightings of coyotes and bears. Fuck off. Bullshit, I don't believe that man. That's what it says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As long as it's fun and not dumb. Elmo was once arrested in the park for being a crazy anti-Semitic jerk. Elmo, like the cartoon guy. Yea, look. There was a guy in an Elmo suit and apparently he was running around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see, that's rescue though, Ricky, cause then there's, you know, kids watching, and then they've got a complex, cause they see, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good point. Well maybe I ripped his fucking dumb head off. There's one time I did fight a mask lot. A mask-a-lot. What the fuck are they called it? Mascot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, hopefully he's got some fucking dope for him. If he doesn't, he can fuck off and go find some again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's see. There's nothing about fucking killer birds or anything in here, is there? Oh my fuck, there is, Ricky. Fuck off. It says if you hear a swarm of birds, run for your fucking life. Ricky!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hand-packed. Packed and handed out. No hand-packed is basically, that means pussy-whipped, doesn't it? You're hand-packed? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're in this place here, it's called Chess and Checker House. So they make these concrete, concrete chess tables. So is this a chess or a checker table? Well, it's either one, it's the same board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's rooks and b-bishops and kings and queens and shit and pawns. No. You did- you've never played. Have you ever played? I've played it lots of times. I think I did play it in jail. There's no way. You got horses here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, Buds, you should have been thinking, we should have had like a chess set up, a game, and I could have kicked your ass. I would have beat both of your asses, but, checkers. As if you guys together could fucking even come close to beating me. No one's touching me in checkers. I beat the Russian kid. Which Russian kid? The guy that was the champ of the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was actually- Sheet metal? Sheet metal. Like a metal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh listen to this boys, there's a secret Christmas tree in the park hidden in the wilds of the ramble. There's a Christmas tree where people go to hang mementos of pets who have passed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, why do we want, like, who cares? It's other people's fucking pets. Well, they should be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Respect it and pay tribute to the kiddies at least. Probably stinks. What? They don't hang the fuckin' pats on it, Ricky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I said, it'd probably fucking stink if they did, and I'm glad they don't, so. Rotten dog carcasses?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See that weird- Okay, I'm not supposed to talk. I'm just gonna say that's weird sexual shit. Why? If you fucking- Well, I think you said king. Watching a polar bear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause every time I open my mouth, I guess I'm dumb. Well, people are gonna have like, what, a massive fucking Jackfest? Just come see this fucking bear? That's why I thought it was weird sexual shit. And why it's not? The poor bear. No wonder they had to put him on Prozac.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I knew about that, I would've come and got the fucker out. Broke him out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clubs? You have to put some leather or something over those fucking things too, so maybe claw cups. Leather! Claw gloves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Off the top of your head. See that's why you gotta think about maybe the second thing and then speak, Ricky. I'm not speaking anymore. Boys, you know what I think we should do? I can't speak, so I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to a bar and get drunk? No, we should take a handsome cab ride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, when they got in the thing and the horse takes you through the park and you wear a blanket and we all drink hot chocolate. Sounds like you want to bang a handsome cab driver in the cab. That's what it sounds like. Why is it called handsome cab?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't fucking know, I never named it that. I'm not getting into a handsome cat, fuck that. That was just made up, Ricky, cause Kramer fed him the fucking can of ravioli that he was getting for cheap at Costco. That's why the thing was farting, that doesn't actually happen. I think they put big shit, shit catchers on them actually. That's a good idea. I wonder what they'd do with it afterwards, cause it'd be good fertilizer. Yes, it would be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look boys, it's starting to get dark. Well maybe it's time to fucking go. I smell weed. Oh, I smell weed. Where the fuck is that coming from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's coming from this way. That's how we do- Which way is the windblower? This way. This way. Piss on my finger. Piss on your finger. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it's coming this way. I bet it's that fucking guy right there. You can feel it coming this way, Ricky. You don't gotta piss on your finger to tell where the fucking wind is blowing. It works. You can hold a piece of string too, like that. That's a good idea. How many times have you pissed on your finger to test the wind direction?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe some, some famous stuff happened in history in this city. Some bad shit with some planes and buildings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I could talk about. Like what? Well, right over here is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Museum of Natural History, we could go over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Conspiracy theory people sometimes say that they didn't really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking night suits. Real night suits from medieval times. Not shit, I'm pretty sure that was real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard about that shit, it's scary. And I've seen movies where it was real, so yea, that stuff's real. So all it takes for you to believe something is real. What about Jurassic Park? Have you not seen that? That's about dinosaurs. I know, but I, I don't know. There's parts of it that seem real, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, it scared the fuck out of me so bad that I just blocked it out of my mind, so it's not really real to me now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been blocked. I can't, I can't take this anymore, man. Right over here, boys, on 72nd Street. Yep. Central Park West is the Dakota building. Like, it's right there. I'm definitely going there. That's where poor John Lennon got shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tits and grits? Yeah, I guess they got really good grits and nice tits. Big ones. Well, let's go there because they probably sell booze. So we could get some weed. Rather than go see, like, the Museum of Natural History or, you know, where John Lennon used to live. No. Where he met his


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Untimely, Demar. You would rather go to a place called Jets and Grits. I'm kinda hungry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you know what? You know what this means right now? This means it's time for us to go. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna go to the Empire State Building and get up on the needle. I thought that fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that one of the ones that came down? No, that's the one King Kong went up. Oh, fuck, okay. I'd like to see that. Wonder if it still has fucking Gorilla Claw marks on it. But did they fix all the damage? Ricky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know King Kong's not real, right? Not anymore as they fucking killed the poor son of a bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking one giant girl in the world and they fucking kill them with god damn machine gun airplanes and shit. It's fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I'll go there and see where he used to live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's go down and see if there's still Gorilla Commerce. See? Alright. We can go have some fun. This is a good city. Just gotta find some good dope and have fun. Feeling good. Alright. Just make sure I fall asleep here tonight. I wanna see what it's like to sleep here. Here, you sign off, Ricky. For podcast number... Fuck. Fuck it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For podcast number 1919, December the fucking 11th, 2015, the year of our goddamn lord. Fuck off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today. What do you mean it's Friday? It's Friday. What, I've been asleep for fucking three or four days?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like Monday or Tuesday. Tuesday? Wednesday. It's Friday. It's Tuesday!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you say it's fucking Tuesday, it's coming in Friday, and just tell people the fucking truth instead of lying to them, man. It's like you lie to me, it's fucking ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I haven't seen it, but good dude anyway. Yeah, he is a pretty good guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I thought his nickname was. It's kind of a funny nickname. What the fuck is that all about? It's a banana. It's a banana cock. It's not a banana cock. It's just a banana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be funny if, you know, just write like that. Your thing came out pointed up just like that. Be a weird, weird shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fire at's different, you get a big fucking swarm and they just come in and eat your foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're standing there and your foot's gone. That's what I heard. It's like fucking piranhas in the insect world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so you're, from now on, you're telling the truth. That's good. Everything's the truth right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but if he's far away, you'd have to say it loud, but you might be just like, woo! What a fucking great day. There could be like, boos over there. Hey woo!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been a while actually. In fact, I'm trying to remember where I- I know I buried a little satchel of five dollar bills. And they're near the trailer somewhere. I will find them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, have it for breakfast. The name aid is money? Why the fuck would you eat money? Can't be much nutritional value in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I can't imagine that you're fucking an ant or a worm or a snake and you're like, holy fuck, jackpot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's, if you have a good horse, wins a lot of races, you get the money, right? Money horse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the difference? Piss washes off like everything else, not like piss gets into the fucking glass of the plastic in there and hides out and says oh fuck, here comes a drink, I better come out now and taste the drink like piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, actually, if you're doing something else, you're not using this, cause that's fucking disgusting. Have you ever used it for the number two? No, I've never used-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not fucking doing that in my bathroom anyway. Go to your shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe she was late in the first. I've heard that can cause it sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think it's just gonna be the actual gas coming out of your body, and you're like, you light it, and BOOM! Cause there's gas up inside the body, it's just like a fuckin' bomb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spitting fire into their fucking teeth while they're gnawing on their foot, boom. That's what caused it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, fucking great cup. It was quite a game. Fucking Eskimos pulled it off. They did. Down 14-0 came back. Good fucking game right till the end. I was pretty fucking wasted, I know that. I slept on the ground that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ricky. And they have sales after Christmas. Christmas just happened, dumbasses. I wanted to buy my shit before today, for Christmas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting banged, getting drunk and high, eating lots of good food with your friends and family. Boom. Fuck Boxing Day. Fuck going to stores. Fuck spending money on gifts. Fuck that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you don't smoke enough. It's the same as anything. If you wanna get good at it, you gotta fuckin' do it lots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you don't get drunk. You drink all fucking day, you don't really get drunk. Same sort of idea, except it's with dope. But it could be with anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other day I was talking about getting learned and sugar. I think if you fucking feed a baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do not puncture a fucking spray paint can with a sharp object. It will not go well for you. Trust me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was trying to do the fucking healthy thing for the earth, saying hey, if I throw this in the dump,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Might get heated up and fuckin' explode, so I'm like, oh, I'll just puncture it, take the pressure out of it. No. Fuck me. Cover me in fuckin' silver spray paint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what if you get pulled over? You say, nope, I was just, all I had was beer. I wasn't drinking. See, they, I don't know. They stole me drunk, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, didn't he drink like fucking 48 beer and 8 bottles of wine or some shit? Actually, he's got the, he's got the world record. That's what I thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You still have to use the bathroom in the fucking bathtub because you wouldn't fit in the toilet. Now that's fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you can finish the pile of cash. We'll deal with bubbles. Try to air out this fucking trailer, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to be organized and know what fucking podcast I'm making. Number 26. Recky. For sure? Well, I don't know. Do I have to go into


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that does, that's terrible, the grizzly Adam style. I thought you were gonna say David Bowie. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100s of tunes, let's dance, that's funny that you picked that one cause that's one of the, you know, more feminine of the videos for him and Draggr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See some people can't see if they can only hear it so they don't know what you're holding up. Ricky's got a fucking rack with about 50 lighters in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it depends on where he is. If he's caged up, he's gonna have a fuck problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I just thought of? You could walk into a convenience store and say, give me a shakor or a cigarette, please. Come again? What? Give me a shakor or a cigarette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're called the Academy Awards, but the little gold guy got the nickname Oscar, I believe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you think the gold guy you get when you win an Academy Award, that gold statue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Ricky, then you'd- they probably would have made the award just like a big gold hot dog. That was the case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy on the statue was very lean. You know, he's doing whatever, he's a lean person. I guarantee Oscar Mayer was fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's bullshit, straight outta Compton, how in the fuck does that not get nominated?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his only thing he cares about. If you cut the feed, and Donnie finds out you did that, he will fucking burn your trailer down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Merchant, yes. That was, fuck, fantastic movie too. You, you called him Mark Daemon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's Matt Damon. You're next to Mark Wahlberg, probably. Oh, they look the same. Combining them into one person. They do look the same. They act the same. Mark Wahlberg and Matt Damon don't look the same. If you had to pick one, who would you pick? Based on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His name is Leonardo DiCaprio, not Leo. Why do they call him Leo? Yeah, you can shorten Leonardo to Leo, but his last name is DiCaprio, not DiCaprio-nur-to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's hard to say, like, maybe the documentary, you know, is, you don't know exactly. It could be one-sided, but if it, if it's exactly...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way that documentary is, and those are the facts, then he, he got fucking ripped. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the fucking straight out of Compton, the acting and that, I like that. It was incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't see concussion. Don't know what to tell you. I don't know if Will was good or not, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wasn't very good in his last fucking movie. What movie was that? Afterlife or whatever. Afterlife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't know, I've never met the lady, but I'd like to... Banger?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't really see, can you make it bigger? Fuck's sakes, bubs. I can't see, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Shit poop. Shit! This fecal matter is poop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the problem. That's the problem because they come out of the bathroom after they've been wiping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rooting around and then they pick up the mug and there's fecal matter on the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crack one off. Wipe out. Pack it up. Coffee up. Go back out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turn on the air dryer. Yep. You push the button and it blows air. Guess what air it's sucking into use on your hands. Poop air that's floating around in the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I reckon not everybody can see, only the people on swearnet.com can see this. So you gotta explain what you got in your hand there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can't go fucking track and treat. Why not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because Halloween was last week and people aren't expecting this to come to the door. What are you anyway?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ricky, why would he disguise himself as a hot dog though? That's just gonna make him stand out. A hot dog's not really a... So for the people that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just listening to this, they can't see what's happening, but the people at swearnet.com that are watching this on the video, you can watch the video there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can see what's going on with Recky here the best I could describe him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got on nice red gloves, a hot dog suit. Superhero gloves. He's got on a Quebec flag. French cape. A Mexican hat. And a hot dog suit. Son of a arrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're gonna call the cops, Ricky, if you go up on the door fucking demanding candy. Dressed up as a hot dog a fucking week after Halloween.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What year did, what year did Bray say that? Oh, fuck, what'd he say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Ricky, if you were a real superhero, you wouldn't have little foam fucking nylon gloves. You'd have superhero, you know, leather punching gloves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't be a superhero dressed like this. Supermodel maybe. Not a superhero though. I think I look pretty good as a lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who would have made up the fucking rules? I ran the show here, this is my thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or older kids like you should just not check a treat maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The great great grandfather did not fuckin' invent Halloween, just so you know. You can't prove it. Well you can't prove that he did, other than fuckin' Ray telling you that. Ray doesn't lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea I know right, he doesn't lie. Ricky, he spends fuckin' most of his life in a wheelchair. And his legs work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, before he started, he's been in the fucking chair so long, he's got atrophy in his legs, they don't work now because of that, but self-inflicted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you know when that happens? When he thinks somebody's fucking videotaping him. To send to the fucking workers comp. That's when he falls down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only time Ray hits the dirt is when he thinks somebody's doing surveillance on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus, Ricky, I think your fridge is turned off. That's as warm as piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uber's teaming up for national cat dash. Uber's, you can rent an Uber and they come over with a whole carload of kitties and you can play with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but this ha- I mean this happened on National Cat Day. This is what they were doing. Who's Uber? Uber is the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably, there's probably one called Uber, but that's not what I'm talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a taxi kind of service that you can call, you use your phone, and you can see where the cars are on the GP. I don't know how the fuck it works, I just know it's like a car, car service, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On cat day, you can call them up, right? Say, hi there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm over at this address, please send over the kittymobile. And they would show up in a car and they'd have a whole fucking carload of kitties and you could play with them for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they had a car full of cats in all the cities and they would drive around and bring you the kitties and you could play with them. Like I would have fucked, I wish I had known that was going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what they were charging, 30 bucks. I mean, I wouldn't have paid it, I would have just called them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, snuggle like, hold, you know, like, spoon basically. Hugging and spooning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but if you ever paid $30 to snuggle with a hawker, behind a dumpster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not- Maybe if you're snuggling hawkers, Ricky. Not if you're snuggling kitties, you're not thinking about-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are we dealing with now? Unidentified space junk, Recky. Did you read this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where the fuck are we? There's an unidentified piece of space junk


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's WTF is what they labeled it. Just cause they don't know what the fuck it is.