[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they do party, like they love to put their, their party like, what's up, this is the wedding. And then they show like the bride who's like tethered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, but catholicas don't party like this. Like, I one time...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In England, I went to go have brunch with priests, Catholic priests, and they just get faded, bro. Like they get crossfados, Barbados.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they just eat. And then they just sit there, yeaah, and just get depressed. I'm like, well, we'll get up and have fun. Catholics don't rock like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. At least the Jays enjoy their parties and their life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God because Jesus didn't dance. Maybe because Jesus didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He fucking googled the wrong thing. Are Catholic priests allowed to drink alcohol? Dude, we said that. It's why can't they party? Like why can't they celebrate, bro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have been collecting my menstrual blood in jars for years now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I keep it in my closet and I do, I paint, I do mud masks with it, cleansing rituals, what have you. Very nice, very delicious too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm of the belief that anything the body excretes, there's a reason your body is excreting it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's waste. Correct. I don't see any medicinal value to my feces, urine, menstrual blood, snot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, if you found out, is that a deal breaker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I did paint, like you come in and you're like, oh, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm just painting with my menstrual blood. Would that stop you from being married to me? Is that a deal breaker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I'm just being artistic and expressing myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. If you made art with your jizz, I wouldn't judge you. I'd be like, it's his jizz. It's his seed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel as though you got gypped because February is the shortest month?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Christmas, go eat Chinese food. That's what we did growing up. Those schools never stop working. Never. They're the best Americans. I respect it. So do I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There were a bunch of. Those Nazis, a bunch of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know! This guy was on the talk, then he got taken down. Taken down? Oh yea, they delete you if you screw around. Cause you sang some anti-American stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, now he's back and I've noticed he has no teeth. I didn't know that last time around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and also don't you think it's a little antagonistic to write F you on your cheek? It's a little bit. You're kind of inviting negative attention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's enough. They don't even show him. We don't know what he looks like. We don't know. We know that he likes dragon velour blankets, but other than that, we know nothing about this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And those belts too are just standard, like dad brown braided.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like, I mean, I'm not a, a, a, an expert on... Carpentry? Oh. Yeah, but like, I think there, there, you buy certain things that are appropriate to hit people with. Yeah, and also, I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, I've come across the genre of experts, like relationship experts. Uhm, I just want to start sharing that with you guys. Is this true? Is this, is this true? Yea, of course. It's just like the soft smells, the fart smells. Feminine things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not you, cause when I try to snuggle you in bed, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is another lane of uhm, just like, porno girls talking about anal and stuff and how they love it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and they're like, I wasn't sure if I wanted to do Anna, and now I love Anna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cute. So this guy on a bad day, he catches kisses in his hands and then he pours them onto his dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He's cleaning aflo- and it's real, this is not- He's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I just thought that was really fun. I've never known a dog to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I sh- I distract you with what's over here, and then I punch you right there, I sucker punch you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he really, and unless you think that he was joking years ago, he's not. He's really sincere that he loves white guys. Thank you for bringing that back. You got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is a new lane, not a new lane, but just one I've come across, which is like dirty dad jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can only, yea, you're right, they're always gonna go, I got something for you. And when the setup is too long, it's just dog shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this guy, these, and plus they get passed around these dad jokes and then there's different iterations of it. Oh man, Top Dog would love this. Love it, I know. And that's the problem is that when you tell people you're a comedian, they think this is the kind of comedy you do. Or they think that this is horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm gonna say accountant. Yeah, but, but equally, or insurance. Yeah, boring. Yeah. Do I have another one? Can we close on a good one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dinner can be complicated and 2021 should be anything but. That's why Freshly is here. Their chef made meals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love freshly. It gets delivered right to our front door. The meals are already made. So you pop them in the freezer and when you're ready,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put em in the microwave and now you've got delicious, uh, gourmet meals. And it's just fantastic. Gene, you love it. I fed you the chicken pesto bowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, ordering is so easy. You visit Freshly.com. Choose from over 30 delicious, satisfying, better for you meals. Steak, pepper, corn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sausage baked penne or your favorite chicken pesto bowl. Right now, Freshly is offering our listeners $40 off your first two orders when you go to Freshly.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make eating better your New Year's resolution and get a special limited time offer. Go to Freshly.com slash mom for $40 off your first two orders. Try Freshly now and for a limited time get $40 off your first two orders. Go to Freshly.com slash mom to learn more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds, Elliot, like I, I found you very sweet on the video too. You're obviously very handsome. You are educated. You do have a lot going for you. And it seems like now with time, you've matured a bit and you've calmed down and you've come into yourself. So I think that'll be very attractive for the women listening. They should hit him up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got it. And where will you take your dates? Where is the new hot spot in Columbus?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, fuck you, Natalia. You lost out big time. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what I, what I noticed the similarities between Elliot and Charles is that they're both actually very success oriented guys. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause like, they're treating women like a PowerPoint presentation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm saying is that they're applying work logic, like that would have worked for a client maybe? Hi, I'm just checking in, Natalia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for a girl, for romance it doesn't translate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking Natalia. But that's different, it's not for a comedy party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, and also don't forget, they're both super horned up. That's the other element. They're in their twenties. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you can tell he bullet pointed what he wanted to discuss with her, but it wasn't fully scripted. It felt a little spontaneous. There you go. And here's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're gonna do a video, go full spontaneous. Cause people can read when you're scripted, you're trying to be perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, look, hey, again, he's a type, they're both type A personalities, they're very busy, they like to have post-its and teleprompters, they're quality guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm being serious, how would you court me now? Cause back then your courtship skills, you phoned me, you invited me hiking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well now you're a famous comedian, so that's also another level. I mean, I don't think of you as a famous comedian because I've known you since forever, but in the dating world now, it's a different...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who the fuck is this? Who dis? New phone, who dis?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See this, this part too makes, this is the fear part of like, we can't let, don't let the ships pass through the night, I gotta-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, bro, ombre. That guy, fella, champ. What's up, dude? Hey, dude. Don't call a woman a shit ever. But that's also nerves. Yea, he's trying to be casual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even in a video, if, if, oh man, I'll tell you what happened to me in college. Did I tell this story before? It's not me if you've heard this one before. There was a boy in college who really, really, really liked me, and he left me the most painful voicemail. It was similar of this, of like, I just, I like you so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I just, I think you're so beautiful and you're just so wonderful and I just, I miss you. And I'm like, oh wow, like we hadn't even


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I frenched him, we had, like, nothing had happened, and he was, it was so overwhelming, it killed the deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So embarrassing. To this. This is the ultimate video. But here's the deal, I didn't share, I'm sorry, I just have to say, I did not share it with another soul. Yea, of course. I did not call my friends in and go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the truth is in the beginning of courtship, the greatest tool you have is your element of mystery. You're allowing that other person to idealize you. It literally is the idealization phase of a relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially women need to, cause guys are gross and guys are, like let's face it, you guys are kinda basic. Like at the end of the day, there's not a lot of excitement, like you're just people that like sandwiches and blowjobs and football and you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let us have the romantis- the romanticization period. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So pretty soon it's just athlete's foot and crotch scratching and farting on my hand and calling me tit-sloppers and triple D slut wife and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been using it on Tom for his, you know, to help heal his body from his injuries and now I'm hooked on it. It's just such a lovely treat. It's got a great design. It's pretty quiet and it's pretty small.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unstrong. Try Theragun for 30 days, starting at only $199. Go to theragun.com slash mom right now and get your Gen 4 Theragun today. That's theragun.com slash mom. Theragun.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not the same caliber as Charles or Elliot. Not even close. This is stalker. This is like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I say what the difference is? Okay, Charles and Elliot don't have the same vibe as him. This guy has like, and I want to say this for the girls listening, like scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scary, I'm gonna wanna control you vibes. This is controlling, I'm gonna put my tentacles around you and never let go. I'm desperate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a different energy than those other two. This is desperation and scary and emotional problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I think Top Dog's model was the, you look very nice today, how's your dress?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause I can imagine Maria be like, ah, just fucking call her up until you wanna fuck her. And then take her and finger her in the movie theater. Show her that you really wanna fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, let me think of it. See, that's the thing is that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's, it must be so hard for people now because there's like almost no way to make your profile look remotely cool or normal. Like it's so, it must be so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so hard, you're like, cause you have to show her that you're interested. So you can't call her up like a friend and just be like, hey dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. And texting is disrespectful. It is? To just text for a date, like, hey, do you want to go out on a date? I'll probably be like, why don't you call me like a gentleman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's too complicated. There's too many, and there's too many different ways to communicate with people. There's like the DM game, right? And then there's the, do you text? Do you call? Do you, there's so many different ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, how do you guys communicate with women that you actually like and respect? Do you text? Right? That's texting, game, phone, call. Let's ask these guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck. See, if we were to date now, I would just have to meet you at somebody's party or something and be like, oh, this is Tom, he's a comedian. And I'll be like, oh, really? What kind of comedy do you do? And then you'd be like... I'd be like, like, you don't fucking know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you do? Watch cartoons? Really cool. Thanks for setting me up with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, but here's the deal, but seriously, real talk, if I just saw your comedy, like let's say we met today, and I was just like a casual fan of standup, I'd be like, this guy's a fucking savage, like I did the first time I saw you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these fucking whores I hear about now. And every time I ask him, how many girls have you been with? I don't know, shit like not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you say hookup, you have intercourse. That's what hookup means.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Give me specifics. Like she's nasty. No, you can't say that and then not give specifics. Like is she licking or is she scrum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're fingering her ass, there's a lot of butt play. Are you doing anal with her too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you were slamming when you were 22. Yeah. God damn. So she's like. Now hold on, hold on, hold on. So let's back that ass up. This is like the first date with this hoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it like that dive, that dumpy? I'm not talking about. Okay. And she's like touching your D.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course that guy on the left should have fucked all of- I'm sure you did, you lie, you tell me that you don't. But anyway, so you're at the bar, and where do you meet this girl? Back it up even more. So how did you meet this chick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, wait. No, hold on. So she, she, she's doing your D and so you are like, you're like, well, what's up? Are we going to go to my house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're, are you so at this point like, come on, let's fucking wrap this up. Let's go home and fuck already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And were you at all self-conscious about the state of your ass then? No, I don't think so. You weren't like, God, I just performed. It was awfully sweaty up there. Cause you know how you have crotch sweat when you perform? Honestly, it kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what 20 something year old men think of you when you just hook up with them. They treat you like dogs. Okay? There's that guy right there. That guy treated you like a dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, can I tell you for the record, Yana, I like sweet Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big time. Well there's nothing worse than being in a relationship where you can't fully be yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, uh, I mean look, I'm, I am the messy champ as Nadav documents all the time. I am messy, I fart, I shit, I love talking about farting, shitting, burping. Like I'm pretty gross, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that didn't fly in my past relationships, believe it or not. Lots of men don't appreciate that side of my personality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe you had fingers in your butt and your fingering and you had chocolate on your finger and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me think, I had an ex-boyfriend try to put a fangy in my bumhole, and I was kinda like, whoop, no I'm not into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're such a whore. You fucking lied to me about not reme- I can't remember, I can't remember, Your Honor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, meanwhile, the other day, you wanted me to describe this guy's peener that I saw twenty years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you cut, if you were a serial killer, would you cut off my vagina and eat it? Sure. Like that guy Shawcross did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I kinda know who you're talking about. Is there footage of him like crying in court?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, you know, it's a couple days, it's a couple kind of special days for him. It's his birthday. Okay, happy birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I imagine what this person did smartly was just delete all of their messages. So it's just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the way down, buddy! Well, how far up is she? Uh, it looks like at least two or three stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so after being on the couch, uh, at the end of the year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty much the biggest thing I heard is, holy shit, what the fuck is up with Nadav's mouth? And uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That really had me look inwards. I was like, what is up with my mouth? And, uh, I've decided...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To make an appointment for not only a full teeth cleaning but a full whitening session in the same session.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I told her, I don't know what that pain feels like yet, so I'm gonna go ahead and just experience it on the day and then decide after that to never do it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, no, that's incorrect. How many years has it been? Uh, I wanna say probably close to two years. Attitude, attitude. But before that, like probably upwards of five years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi beauties, there's a different look for me. Silver sparking fuzzy sweater, silver fox fur coat, purple fluffy gown, and purple wig. A few more accessories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel so beautiful and amazing. I am here to sparkle like a queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was walking by this black girl, probably 22, 23, very cute, nice big ass. So I kind of looked down like this and she just locked eyes with me, right? And I immediately averted my eyes back away. You know, she was looking at my eyes because they're beautiful. You know what I mean? I get complimented sometimes on my beautiful green eyes or blue eyes, whatever fucking color they change on a daily basis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And number four is the softness of the feminine. So the hugs you give him and how soft they are. He loves those, the soft kisses that you give him when he's snuggling up next to you and he's feeling your soft skin and he's smelling how good you smell. All of that men crave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. Go to satva.com slash the shit right now to get $225 off the purchase of your next mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see, Tom, you're wearing your burgundy shirt. That is the color of Satan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That really works, you know, it's that, that father dynamic. I think he's really dialing into the broken girl. Yes. Who was like, I just want a daddy figure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many damaged broken wings did you have before me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad had these hoes cleaning his house every week, different hoes. And you're right, they're really into the physical stuff and not being fat. I remember one time my stepmom, they'd been married for like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you do that to damaged girls in college when you were, did you do the whole like, nagging thing where you're like, you look like shit and then that makes the girl want you more? Like, mystery did that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that could have been you. You could have had two different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And thank God he did. I think that was much smarter than just letting, you know, let it go. I mean, shit, I don't know, I could have siblings in other countries, I'm sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she let you F her butt cheeks. I guess she was like, this guy's going for it. I'm not going to stop. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think any of these girls now, like, open up Netflix and they're like, oh yea, that guy came in my butt cheeks. And they're like, dude, Tonya, get over here. Or like, Rick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My husband, like, dude that guy came in my budget. You know what it is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the rumor spreads that like, Tom's into buttfucking. Like, you know how Dr. Drew, uhm, the rumor is now that he fucks all these bitches because of Shaggy? Like, it's just the rumor escalates to how you gave butt stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause yeah, in high school, like, who has butt sex? That's so varsity level. So yeah, there was one girl who did it, butt sex Becky, and everyone was like, you talk shit about her. You talk shit about the girl that gives beiges too easily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's easy to get labeled a whore, especially when you're a girl. Like there was this girl who had huge cans in like sixth grade and everyone just assumed she was promiscuous because she had this huge rack and there's nothing you can do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. She was really pretty, this girl. So, but I don't think she ever did anything. Like, I think the rumor was just that she was a slut. So messed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, it's complicated down there, James.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I do feel as though if you are aligned with the Black Lives Matter movement, that word's likely not in your vocabulary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, it's still not cool even to do the A versus C nowadays, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's also class traitor, which is interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a feeling he doesn't hang out with black people. Cause like, you wouldn't, you know what I mean? I don't think you'd make the, uh, you wouldn't fight so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a theory. You know, I have a theory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of men are making white alone these days, and they're not, because of covid, they're not partnering with other people when they're ejaculating, and I think people are pent up and angry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember? Were you on top of her? You were, obviously were you missionary or you were laying on her? She was face down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at it again. Look at it more. Do you know what's happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cracking your dick. It's the equivalent of knuckle cracking on your dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the ligament gets hardened and there's like pressure in there and a guy can do it when he's hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This holiday season, more people will be mailing stuff than ever before. And that means the post office is going to be busy, and you don't have time for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com brings the post office and now UPS shipping right to your computer. Mail and ship anything from the convenience of your home or office. We've used Stamps.com for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Set up the mail carrier to come pick it up, take the package. So you just don't even have to leave the house. It's such a no brainer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't spend a minute of your holiday season at the post office this year. Sign up for Stamps.com instead. There's no risk. With my promo code MOM, you get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, okay. Right, so Tom and I, you know, we schedule our marital relations because of our schedules and the children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're, you know, we're waiting for our time to make sweet love. And he goes, let's watch this movie before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we were finished, it was nice. And then he's like, let's go back to the Johnsons again. I'm like, oh my God. And I watched it and I felt like, I felt like I wanted to die inside. Like I wanted to die. And he's just ear to ear, just like so happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a neat follow-up. Uh, holy shit, mommies, I'm currently watching episode 573 and I nearly shit my jeans when I saw the prison talks. I work at the prison that those I've parted pen pals are from. There was a big issue a few months ago over the inmates sending out TikToks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, also this is an interesting YMH question. Oh, first, speaking of TikTok, I would like to address the whole, uhm, success of Dogface. Now, as you know, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dream song, that Stevie Neck song, is really blown up because of Dogface, who he's riding his skateboard and he's drinking the cranberry juice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great talk! And people have been reaching out to me, how can you not bring this up? How can you not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking just brought it up and everyone's like, Christina, you blew him up. You gave him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Jeans, I'm 23rd old male from Pustin Tejas. I'm here to propose a very serious question. Does the brown of kids smell like the brown of their parents?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sharded in my pooper the other day, then later that day I walked in the bathroom after my mommy browned and smelled exactly the same, and today I smell my dad's shits after he let one loose, and then my sister's brown tonight. It's identical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew you'd be so dismissive of such an important topic. It's not a stupid theory. Let me tell you why. The other day...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other day, Ellis farted on the couch and it smelled identical to your fart. So I do think that yes, some of the smells are identical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here's a problem with the king. Thank you. The problem with Queens Above 18 guy and the king is that he rambles. It's too rambly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dads are, why are dads, something happens to a dad's brain the older they get. I remember my dad used to sit and watch television with the TV on mute and then the stereo full volume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and I can only tolerate it for a few minutes and I'm like, I gotta get out of here. This house is fucked up. That's pretty intense. Gotta get emancipated at 13, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Were you there that Christmas Eve where he finished dinner and he had decided it was time to listen to Prodigy? Yes. Do you remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, well I told you his famous like 75 beers in Miami in one day with his friend Willie, that was like his claim to fame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smack my bitcha! Smack my bitcha! Christmas Eve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I agree. I'm all about telling the truth like that. That's how I talk to our children too, about shit. Like, go fuck them up, bro. What are you doing? I'm serious. I'm motivated. I don't fuck around. You wanna be a fucking pussy, cry? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, listen, you can't raise fucking scaredy cats, kids that are afraid of the world. That's what this generation wants, a bunch of scared pussies. We're not raising scared pussies, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and it doesn't look like it's a transitioning person either. No. It legit is like, Saudi guy's face, lady body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess. They'd have to look really good for their age though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. Nooo. What's that? That's a blood ice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really don't, cause if you've ever had a cavity or like something hurts you and you'll compensate by chewing on the other side, like you can get by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On chewing on one side of your mouth or not having as many teeth as you think you need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there any dentists listening? Like, what can you feasibly get by on? Let me know. Shoot me an email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, you can literally only smile with the perfect smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have another one? What do you mean you want to do to other people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's cool. You know what I really like that you and Bert are talking about is the movie pitch for Fat Astronaut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really like this pitch idea, I think it'd be really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I know you guys have a different angle in. I think it's that America needs a victory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they find like, just the slobbiest pieces of shit they can find, and then it's you guys, and you go to space. I think it's really funny, I would watch that movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not easy to prioritize yourself when there's a lot on your plate. I know you got the kids, you got the job, you got the stresses of adult life but your mental health


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talkspace is online therapy, and as you know, Tom and I are huge advocates of getting therapy. It'll change your life for the better. Uh, you can connect with a licensed therapist for a fraction of the price of in-person therapy, 24-7.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and unlike in-person therapy sessions, Talkspace gives you 24-7 access to your online therapy room. You can send unlimited messages to your dedicated therapist and they'll respond daily five days a week. Now that is what you do not get with traditional therapy. You usually make your appointment and then you gotta wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Days and days. I just, I love it. The bottom line is we all need someone to talk to. Talkspace wants to give us the support system we deserve at a price we can afford. As a listener of this podcast, you get $100 off your first month on Talkspace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To match with your perfect therapist, go to TalkSpace.com or download the app. Make sure to use the promo code YourMom to get $100 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's YourMom and TalkSpace.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm being serious, and just for the record,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the J's did it. No. You guys fucking did it. No. The Jews did not kill Jesus. The Romans did. The Romans did. For the record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You still have the cross up and you can be like, what's up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The biggest going city. Now I heard that Vegas is kind of like, what's COVID? Like they're kind of not as restrictive as we are here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, as little as I've known you over the years, I sense a shift in you, correct me if I'm wrong, that you seem to have become a little more connected to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And even when somebody passes away when we lost Brody, all of us coming together in the main room was really, really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it was beautiful that we all could get together. Now I'm crying. Can I tell you, every time I'm in the main room and I leave and there's a sweet picture of you, Paulie, as a child and you're sitting in your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, so when you're telling me that I need to go, what are you feeling? It's not a cramping?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've squirted out two of his children, so I don't feel like there's much, there's no mysteries left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? We just effed last night, bro. Wow. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was a girl that was there at the store. I know I like her. I, I, cause I, I, I, yes, I grew up watching her. She's fantastic. She's like, I always want to be a serious actress and I'm, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what a cool, I mean look at this, I mean this is basically the result of you watching the greatest comic since you're a little kid and then you become this huge comic too. And you were, it's like you just, you tapped into this moment in time, it was so perfect. You were so perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're saying there's a lot of contests for chicks? Cause you've got Lorenzo Lamas, you've got Christian Slater, Corey Feldman, and Polly Shore. So there's a lot, there's a lot of dudes. A lot of hot guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, but I don't have that warning. I have pain. I have like cramps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it a latte? Is there cream and sugar in the coffee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then how come the caca goes through a little narrow, the narrow part that you've inserted? Like how does the brown-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause what you insert in your butthole is tiny like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so you're telling me that the shit that's like this big gets sucked into that tiny tube and then into the tube thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You doob in your butt, you fill your guts with water, and then you brown it, brown it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether you're new to the gym or you've been lifting weights for years, it is hard to find the right workout program and stick to it. I am not a workout aficionado, but with FitBot, I feel like one, uh, because you can have for programs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Custom tailored to your needs, uh, helps you work out in such a way that you're balancing your muscle groups so you're fully recovered for your next workout. And best of all, a lot of us are working out from home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, right? Not wanting to go to the gym. And you can get a program tailored to your unique body, experience, and environment. And you don't need any equipment. You don't need equipment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] FitBod has bodyweight routines for those looking to get fit at home or on the go. Uh, FitBod is super easy to use and even has HD video tutorials to make learning new exercises a breeze. It integrates other fitness and health apps like Apple Health Fitbit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] fitbod.me slash mom. That's one free month when you sign up at fitbod.me slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially here. Here it is, yeaah. I like that, good kind. I've got a fight in my TikTok batch if you want to see that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it the last one in the talk batches? Will you look at this one? It's apropos this discussion. Nope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what Tommy had when I met him. Yeaah, he was, we met when he was 23 and I was 26 and when we started dating he had a mattress on the floor and he didn't even have soap in his shower. He just used shampoo on his crotch and his hair. That's how much of a bachelor kid he was. Yeaah. And then now...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, we were babies when we met each other and then we just grew up together in the same comedy circles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you like depraved videos and the mentally ill, you're gonna like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not? But wait, let me explain this lane. This is a whole new lane of talk. This is the horny older person who thinks they're being funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's the horny, um, jokey talk lane that I found where people think they're being really funny and horny and I don't know, did it work for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did it entice you to DM her? To slide into her DM?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there anything worse than a coffee date? No. Gross. So, but would that work for you? The funny jokey horny lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what you're saying is, the ones that really throw it out there,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A, it's unattractive. I think anybody being horny on TikTok is unattractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that I think with these horny talks, is that I think these women think that by putting it out there like, hey I'm really into sex, that it's going to attract men. So, but what you're saying is, this does not, that one's really great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not gonna, it's not gonna attract men. It's dick repellent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I can't roll my eyes hard enough. God. Those are big melons. Ah, shit. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do a prediction. Before we play the talk, I want to go on looks alone. Do you think she fucks or not? Yeah, Tom. Okay. Polly says she's sick more though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. She sucks a lot of D's. I think you're right about the dick sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is, uh, this is a smart way, this is how porn has figured out how to make its way to TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you have to go to Petunia Primrose's page, but usually TikTok will flag pornography or take it down. So they found a nice loophole in the system. So I'm congratulating them on the loophole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah. But it's smart that pornographers are using this medium. I think it's about time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. I just thought this was rad. Like, how is this on TikTok? It's some like cool ass tribal guy who knows what- He knows exactly what has shut teeth. That was his whole story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't she? She's so rad. So this is Grandma Doroniak and she makes pretty bangin' talks. I'm really into her feed right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shower, I'm clean. He does have a point that if you shower, you should be able to lick your armpits like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at you, you got your confidence, you're on, you're singing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took a shit this morning, I shit once a day. Say it again. I'm all good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is time to build the website that you've been dreaming of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now is the time. Use Squarespace. I love Squarespace because I built four websites with my own two little paws. You don't need to know HTML. You don't need to know any kind of coding. The templates are just fantastic. They're so clean. Everything is very intuitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have e-commerce functionality that lets you sell anything online. You can customize the look and feel, the settings, the products and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With just a few clicks, everything's optimized for mobile right out of the box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Analytics that help you grow in real time and the best part 24 7 award winning customer support.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's great if you, uh, let's say you have an event coming up or maybe you have a business, a physical business that you want to promote online. So you're going to go to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear that? Did it pick up? That picked up. That was a biggie. I'll tell you why. I am on 100% plant-based diet. We hung out with the URIs the other night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Brendan's wife suggested this diet that I'm on, and it is creating a lot of wind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, just hearing you rattle off the names of those shirts really brightened my day. Oh, it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, I kinda, is this the ghost of Christmas future for me? I do speak good English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and here's the deal man, is that you can prepare a speech in advance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do too, because again, the joke isn't like, she can't speak English. It's like you're putting out a statement saying that you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make sure that your chin is pushed all the way back. Why is he good English?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do not do you. Do not do you, bro. Maybe she's saying that. Don't do you. Maybe she's trying to be kinda cool, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so you're telling me the great deal is you can do it now where it's giving you no pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, it's like the sausage comes out of the casing, kinda, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I just did something. You didn't hear it pop out? Nothing. There's my organ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that's, that's, usually when you, once you become a drawing or a picture, it's the, it's like bad. You know what I'm saying? Like they, they don't, it's always a bad case scenario when it's in a picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He fell asleep, so I walked in. Well, first of all, it's during COVID, they really make it a lockdown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I, I go, I can go in there and the nurse was sweet and you were like, and then, um, there was a chatty Cathy next to you. Do you remember the chatty Cathy? He was like, yeah, I gotta get out. It was on his cell phone doing the, you know, anyway, you, you passed out, but while you were out,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We thought it was going to be a 45 minute procedure. It ended up being two hours and I was in the hospital for three and a half hours waiting for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But during that time, I saw so many confused elderly people. It sucks because during COVID, they can't bring their companions with them. This hospital is supposed to be the best in LA, but they're not very organized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, so anyway, there is this one lady, all I saw in the lobby as I was waiting for you, was old people losing their shit, cause they didn't know if they were in the right place, cause they don't tell you anything at this hospital. Like, we just show up and then we're like, what do we do now? Someone comes to get you when? And there was one lady,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can tell someone's crazy when they wear a sun visor indoors. I feel like that's a really clear indicator. But she had on like a sweatband.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then a sun visor. And then the crazy blue blockers. And she was sitting down and she was like, is this where I'm supposed to be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like a sugarcoated, I'm wearing my mom's hat, I may have been like, uh, uh, uh, just a little because I've had two children and two episiotomies and I've had to shit through stitches, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Am I apologizing for diminishing my- I think, I think so. Uhm, it looks bad. I mean your balls- Yeah. When I saw your nuts, I was like, that's not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. It hurts. Do you still feel like jerking off? Do you still feel horny?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, where do you jizz, do you have to jizz in the parking lot, the last load that you give him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the sperm is fresh and live. You'd think that he'd want a fresh- That doesn't matter. You'd jerk off in the parking lot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if somebody thought that your doctor had jerked you off 20 times after you came?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Raycon earbuds. I am a huge fan of Raycon earbuds. Why? Because I have little tiny ears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go for walks in my neighborhood and I love the way they fit. They last for six hours, which is better than a lot of other earbuds I've tried. The base is great on them. It's just an overall quality earbud. And here's what I like best is the price. It's about half the price.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of other premium wireless earbuds on the market and they sound just as amazing as


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All those super costly earbuds. Uhm, the newest model, the Everyday E25 earbuds are their best ones yet. That's the one I have. The six hours of playtime, seamless Bluetooth pairing. You know what I like too? Is I've tried other earbuds and they just make you look like a dork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the Raycon ones are really cool and comfortable and you don't look like a total nerd alert, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now's the time to get the latest and greatest from Raycon. Get 15% off your order at buyraycon.com slash YMH. That's buyraycon.com slash YMH for 15% off Raycon wireless earbuds. Buyraycon.com slash YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had two babies, bro. What does that have to do with anything to do with anything? So much pain. Let me, let me, let me, let me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go. Nine months of pregnancy. First of all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to deliver two of our children. No one's talking about you. My tits are ruined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to wait in the lobby for like three hours, and the wifi wasn't as good as I'd hoped, and the food wasn't good in the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I like about her, and I have the same problem, is when you have a large chest, you have a problem wearing button down shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was comparing it, this is before you were really in pain. I filmed, remember I taped it the day after and you hadn't really-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I taped it on a Friday, yeah. Remember? Yeah. And I was like, oh, Tom's hernia. Like I was just, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, love me again. No. Love me. You do, you do. Do not, do you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like her too, and I think, actually she is very pretty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But hold on. It does look a little, uh, she's not too far from the lady at the bus stop. In the pink fanny pack and the pink skull cap, right? I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember we saw a person at the bus stop?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, because he's very well versed in this guy's career as a fed smoker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty crazy that this guy had a fanbase essentially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does make a good point that baby raper is a little harsher. It's a bit of a more of a punch because pedophile does sound more clinical. Yeaah. He's got a good point there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but that guy that interviewed him sounded a little like the fed smoker. He kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just going through the emails, I like to keep up the pulse of the show. This is from episode 560, a pilot's perspective.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Tom and Christine, I'm an airline pilot and fly for a US based airline. As I was watching episode 560, I heard you mention that some flight attendants are real dogs. I have to agree with you as I've seen plenty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some so big they walk sideways down the aisles. As for Potter's comments, we have many cool black guy flight attendants. They exist. They love the podcast and always keep them high and tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, oh, this is from Christina. This is a lady. I was writing this. So that's even more interesting that she agrees that some flight attendants are real dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so we were discussing Dar Man last episode, and he's really put a special place in your heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he upsets you a lot. I, I, I sense that it really sticks in your crow. What, what particularly upsets you the most? It's nonsense. It's just so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, like gosh. But uhm, he does seem a little inauthentic, like at the end, when he's like, hey to your man, bam, it's kind of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dear mommies, after listening to Darman's cool videos and hearing your curiosity, I found I can easily tell you the target audience. Teenagers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a high school faculty member, I can tell you they are in great need of this basic human guidance and that I would consider using these videos with students. Why, you ask? Well, I know of or have witnessed teenagers urinating on homeless man's bedroll and pack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Referring to dented cans and bottles as having Down syndrome, bouncing their hands off black students' hairdos and tricking overweight students into streaking on camera while blindfolded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Darman's videos have the potential to teach these subhumans how to not get murdered in the real world. Thanks, Darman. Don't be stingy, Paul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like people who don't know proper behavior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The world is a special place. Okay, five strokes dental update. I recently listened to your podcast where you mentioned your new hygienist five stroke flossing technique. Remember I mentioned that I was told that you're not doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so she said, you have to go one, two, three, four, five, one, two, three, four, five. At first I thought she was bat shit crazy, like fed smoker crazy, but decided to try it out as regular flasser. I was a bit surprised to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, P.S. It shouldn't take, quote, 10 minutes unless you're completely R-worded. Love you mommy, piss on me, beat me, Megan. So that's really interesting that you guys are now trying the five-stroke flossing technique and let me know if it works for you. We could start a whole new five-stroke flossing movement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was new to me, and as somebody that prides themselves on being a- Yeah, you've always been a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now I'm into the soft stick floss, and I go through it every night, I do five, five, five, five, and that's been really helpful for me. So, uh, let me know if you guys, uh, our fucking Jew friend, uhm, that clip that says he's not a fucking Jew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the mouse pad, yeaah. Sorry, yeaah. I am a fucking Jewel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey mommies, homeboy is a Jew and not Russian because Ashkenazi Jews are both a race and religion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of the rampite, Emma rampite, because of the rampant antisemitism in the Slavic world, a lot of Jews don't see themselves as Russian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a commonsensical thing and people get really crazy over this kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've probably heard us talking about Brooklyn and Sheetz, we're huge fans, we sleep on them every night, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you tried the Brooklyn in towels? Now that is a game changer. You know me, I historically have not towel dried myself off completely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, because I'm lazy and frankly I've never had towels that I've liked as much as I enjoy my Brooklyn in towels. Uhm, they basically transform your bathroom into a miniature spa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just, they're lovely, they're soft, I like to stay in my towels all day. Sometimes I keep my towels on, uhm, all day in between showers, just so I can shower again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, here's what you're gonna do. Brooklyn is the perfect place to find all the comforts for home including ultra soft towels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are so confident in their product that everything comes with a lifetime warranty. Use promo code MOM for 10% off your first order at brooklinen.com. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Promo code MOM. Brooklinen. Everything you need to live your most comfortable life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No thanks, Tom Hanks. That's the new one. Is that a new one? Instead of saying no way, Jose, you can say no thanks, Tom Hanks. Who, who, when did that start? TikTok. It's on on TikTok. It's in my stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instead of saying no way Jose, you say no thanks Tom Hanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Andy's learning to sing, which is always a good thing to expand your interests.


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[Assistant] Is he masturbating and telling a story about his gammy?


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[Assistant] Just like a, there's no other, there's, wait, hold on. There's no additional thing to the metaphor? Just sweating like a black man? It's like sweating like a black man in whatever or whatever.


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[Assistant] You know what I have? What? I've gotten appreciation for Ed's use of language. He really has a flowery, descriptive style of communication.


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[Assistant] That's it? That's the end of the thing? Alright, gotta go shower now. Bye Mark.


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[Assistant] He just signs off. That's it with Mark. Like he's really one of those guys that he dumps and he runs away. That's how guys are.


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[Assistant] I just don't like how descriptive he'd be towards me.


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[Assistant] Colorful beard, Tom. I wanna see that cum rubbed into your beard.


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[Assistant] Do you think it's always with Mark or there's the different guys on the other end?


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[Assistant] Tony, Tony Johns. Let's liven the mood.


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[Assistant] No way, right? What do you think he's really doing? Cause he is out of jail and he's doing his community service. I think he's done with that.


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[Assistant] I know, but for Tony Johns especially. That was his whole persona and, you know.


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[Assistant] You shit in this person's garden. You do, right? Yeah. Cause obviously...


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[Assistant] Your bowel's needs are still consistent, but you don't have those safe haven toilets to go to anymore.


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[Assistant] No, fuck you. I'll tell you the best thing ever was when I was shopping for maternity clothes once and there was a restroom that they purposely had for pregnant ladies so that you could pee as you were shopping, which was really smart. Yea, that's fair. And they should have that everywhere. They should. You eat and drink and you have to shit right away.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like obviously the guy had to shit. Nobody wants to shit.


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[Assistant] But he wants you, he wants me to put him in the dress and insult him, right?


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's, I don't think you're supposed to, are you supposed to insult your dog?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I thought that was the whole point, is that you're a submissive, so I-I don't-I'm-


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[Assistant] Yeah, Come On Mark seems to me- So who would you- Here's scarier. I'll tell you why Come On Mark is scarier. No way. At Asner, because-


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[Assistant] He can pass for normal. Ed Asner can sell you an insurance policy and then has this dungeon side to him.


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[Assistant] He can't cover. Like he's the sissy of Fremont all the time. Cause he's crazy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well for one thing, this guy likes girls, and he likes a dominant-


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[Assistant] Right, like he likes chicks. Yea, he likes chicks. I think I'm, I'm, I'm...


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[Assistant] I'm more comfortable with 100% crazy. Like at least I know, like this guy is just, he's on another planet.


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[Assistant] That Asner can pass for normal and therefore is more scary to me because he's weirdo behind closed doors.


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[Assistant] Peaceful. I think Ed Asner would lure you in with the, with pretending to be normal, and then he would stab you 50 times and bury you. No. No, Ed Asner's a sweetheart. In the carpet.


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[Assistant] If you're gonna play Guys Coming, at least do RPC for me.


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[Assistant] But here's the thing, the Cissie of Fremont is so wack that you may not even have to do all the stuff with it.


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[Assistant] Let's ask Chris. Chris is a balanced person. Okay. You're the normalest of all of us. The most normal. Who do you choose?


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[Assistant] I know, very nice dance, and he sings and he makes up songs. I like to sing and dance too, does that, does that make me nutty? I mean...


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[Assistant] He sounds like he's fighting himself. Fighting his dick. Oh Jesus Christ, I'm gonna throw up. I feel ill. I need to lie down.


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[Assistant] I mean, a hard time of it, yeah. But then after he's like, I'm so sweaty, I gotta go Mark, and he just hangs up on me.


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[Assistant] Nope, I don't like any of them, but I choose the sissy of Fremont. Uhm, I don't- here's the deal. The sissy of Fremont won't- he won't come. Like, I don't think that he'll actually do anything sexual. I don't think he's- I think he's so out of his mind that he's just gonna sing and dance with him.


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[Assistant] That's a white guy? You don't think he has some blabes in him?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's just nice to see that no matter, as a mother, you're always going to embarrass your, your son through the pool kiss.


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[Assistant] And look, we can't just cancel things without having a proper debate. I think, I think everything deserves


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think a lot of people are getting loaded on the talk right now. There seems to be a sense of, uh, people are really at a loss with what to do with themselves. The country is just in chaos. So, uh, a lot of people getting ripped on the talk. A lot of people getting ripped. That's the pulse of America right now. Very impressive. It is Wednesday, so happy hump day.


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[Assistant] She's super, I think she's gorgeous, but the throat, you just imagine how painful that was.


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[Assistant] It just looks like it hurt the most. It has to, right? It has to hurt the most.


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[Assistant] So, it really, I would say, of all the tats,


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[Assistant] I mean, okay, the face tattoo is obv- like the most aggro, but a throat?


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[Assistant] They do. I know, but it looks cool as fuck. Look. Look at her. It looks dope. I love it. You know what I like? A chest. I think on the chest plates, dope.


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[Assistant] I mean the thing is too, like you, I can't even commit to a hairstyle that I would want the rest of my life.


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[Assistant] But are you stuck in 3D? I think you are. I don't think you're a 5D person yet, Tom.


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[Assistant] I mean that- he's a little boy. No, you're fucking with me.


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[Assistant] Well yea, cause it's a huge time waster, I understand. I hate taking baths for that same reason. That's why I never towel-dried myself off completely for a long, long time, cause it's such a time waster.


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[Assistant] Yeah, your dad would be so calm about it. Tommy, what are you doing buddy?


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[Assistant] Okay, would you rather do Ed Asner or the Kisses Guy?


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[Assistant] Is that tattooed? No, it's a head tattoo, Tom. I wish you'd be a little more respectful.


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[Assistant] He has other videos, and that's a head tattoo. Yea, his uh, forehead.


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[Assistant] So hold on, have you noticed his chin?


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[Assistant] What about his, um, eyeglasses? There's still the label. He kept the sticker on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I have a different line up. I go, kiss this guy, sissy, and then add. Whaaat? Yea.


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[Assistant] Yeah, because I don't like, I think, I think the language thing with Ed, his constant talking to me would freak me out. I don't like the talking to.


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[Assistant] So many. I sent it to Jamie Lynn. What'd she think? And she was like, I can't get past the label on his glasses. Like, I know, it's so gross. I sent it to Jessica.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's fine. I'd give him a hand job, at least that way you're not having to suck his dick and stuff. And you don't have to listen to Ed Asner ejaculate for hours.


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[Assistant] What do you say we forget the marching bands and pep rallies for a minute? Just set aside all the stunts and charades and just rein it in.


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[Assistant] And, and get into a really provocative situation.


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[Assistant] I am not joking. I really am taken.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you had me on when you were doing like a role reversal bit and you had a bunch of dudes on stage dancing with a- dancing for a girl like doing like a striptease type of thing. Yeah, Romeo Horscock.


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[Assistant] And we've been going at each other like all week. It's the ENRE.


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[Assistant] Good morning my kings and queens above 18, time to wake up.


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[Assistant] Put them feet on the ground and take off running.


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[Assistant] You know, remember the King loves my Queens and Kings above 18. Tonight.


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[Assistant] It also goes to you guys, the kings, and the queens.


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[Assistant] Keep watching my videos tonight and I will put it on either tonight or tomorrow. You guys are gonna like it.


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[Assistant] I love my kings and queens above 18. You guys have a good day.


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[Assistant] Good morning, Julia. Wake up, my queen.


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[Assistant] I don't know where you have to go today, but get up, take your shower, and have a good breakfast.


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[Assistant] You guys need to jump on my page and wish Julia a happy day. Today is her day. She is the queen. Wake up my queen. Alright.


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[Assistant] Hey, I'm gonna tell you a little bit about this baby. I've had her stored away for quite a while now, and she is a bear. Just, uh, hope I pronounced that right.


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[Assistant] She, apparently she was from the 90's before it became Behringer. So, that's exciting, I actually have original.


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[Assistant] If you missed episode 1 of YMH Live, you can watch it now. They tried to fire us, but we have the material. So head to palmcigarette.com slash rentals and check out the show that was too hot for the web.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, uh, welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. She's Christina, I'm Tom, and we are going to discuss serious matters only.


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[Assistant] On this special episode of Your Mom's House, uh, you don't have to tune in to CNN or Fox or MSNBC. You'll get everything you need to know about what's going on in the world right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I talked to, uh, Dr. Fucking Nines.


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[Assistant] German guy, and he said, he said, and I quote, bullshit, that won't be ready anytime fucking soon. He's a doctor.


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[Assistant] Everybody's doing well financially and all the markets are up. Let's talk about sports.


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[Assistant] So uhm, there's so much to go over. We have a really loaded episode. We also should, uh, remind folks that the Your Mom's House Live, the second one,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, is going to take place on Friday, September 18th, 5pm Pacific.


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[Assistant] The great Robert Paul Champagne and the one and only Joey Diaz. We will be interviewing, talking to all three. We'll be playing


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[Assistant] They vomited when they didn't want to and they didn't know what was happening. So we're going to put that into a segment. We also have YMH Originals. We're shooting multiple sketches. We're raising the stakes on the whole thing.


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[Assistant] If you had a casting direction, you'd be like, we don't have anybody that would do this.


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[Assistant] So anyways, we got someone to do it. Uh, there's a lot of really, really exciting stuff in the YMH live and I think you'll see that. A lot of people have asked me about episode one, which was taken down. It is going to be available maybe by the time you watch this. I don't want to make, uh, tell you that it is.


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[Assistant] The first YMH Live is what I mean, yes, correct, and uhm, it has been a thing to get it


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[Assistant] It's coming. Maybe by the time you see this, we will have posted on social media and let people know where to find it. It's just, all of our focus has been on getting the second one ready to go, but it is going to be available if you've been asking me. A lot of people have asked me.


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[Assistant] And the second one, just so you know, if you can't watch live, the thing I get asked the most, what if I can't watch live? You can watch it for a week. So if you get a ticket, you can watch it all the way until the following Friday.


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[Assistant] You can rewatch it. Uh, we learned that from the first one. So it's a week long, uh, ticket that lasts.


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[Assistant] Wonderful. And, uh, yeaah. It's gonna be a lot of fun. So, uhm, maybe we should...


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[Assistant] I don't have any opinions. Uhm, also, how about these?


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[Assistant] If you're looking and you're like, wow, this looks a lot better than before. Yeah, we upgraded our cameras. So.


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[Assistant] I know. He's like, I don't understand what's happening here. He's like, what's happening? What's with this weird shit that I just heard? And I have this intense makeup that I must put on before I appear on camera. But no, this guy, uhm, his co-host, I think, uhm, was aware and told him what was going on. No way, dude!


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[Assistant] He's got a wild, I mean, it's almost like that guy has two personalities. You know, he's like this really put together doctor and then he's this fuck animal that's friends with the fuck animal. He's just fucking six days a week.


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[Assistant] What if he only fucked in this type of makeup? This is wild.


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[Assistant] But I mean, it's also so normal to him now. Like he's been doing it for, I'm sure this to him is like, give me five minutes. Oh, that's so true. Yeah, he's been doing this for decades. So he's probably like, you got white and black, give me a few minutes.


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[Assistant] You know? Like it's easy to get lost in this world and be like, how come he doesn't get?


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[Assistant] The guy in face makeup is being, is reacting exactly as you should react to that. Talking car, what the fuck is he talking about?


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[Assistant] Okay, so a couple- Yeah, you wanna catch up with some real stuff, real issues. Uhm, here's one that I'm really feeling good about. It says, what's up mommies, I just wanna let Tom know that he can totally perform some chiropractic moves on Nadav.


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[Assistant] First of all, chiropractors aren't even real medical doctors. True. They are doctors of chiropractic, which is totally made up science.


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[Assistant] Uhm, in the late 1800s, uhm, our name Deedee Palmer went all around the US, cracking people's necks and backs and rubbing magnets on them, saying he would cure whatever illness they had. He basically gained cult following and chiropractors still use these methods today. There's seriously nothing medical or scientific about chiropractics.


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[Assistant] My guy was a fucking grocery store owner. Anyone who tries to tell you it's a real form of medicine is actually R worded. Now you may be wondering my background for making these claims. I must be a physician or something. No, I'm a mechanical engineer, which basically means my medical advice is as good as the chiropractors.


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[Assistant] So, do you want to, uh, read, uh, one as well?


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[Assistant] I do think that Ed has a lot of aggression. He seemed like he was an aggressive guy.


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[Assistant] You're even drying your balls now in addition to manscaping. What more does this woman want? Keep feathering it, Chomos. Steven. Right on, Steven.


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[Assistant] Every day is another day that I'm disappointed that my scrum is dry.


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[Assistant] That's really nice. That's a good looking photo. Looks good.


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[Assistant] And I also have to say, people were like, do you have a couch in your bathroom?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's great. I do. Uhm, I had like some, I'm actually making, it's taken me 41 years, but I think I'm gonna address something going on with my digestive system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on? Well, uhm, I had like just a couple bad...


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[Assistant] Uhm, digestive days, you know, where I had this thing and I had a bad reaction, then I had horrible indigestion, then I ate something and it made me brown explosively right away. So, uhm, I'm actually keeping detailed notes of what I'm eating.


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[Assistant] And I'm basically going to then see an expert on what's going on in my chocolate sauce.


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[Assistant] And also we should point out that I did just have a physical, so I'm not like, avoiding doctors or anything like that. I did have a physical, I did have his finger up in there, I did come in his hand. Okay, Tom, you come. That's what they make you do.


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[Assistant] This is where it spits, Mark. Uh, no, but here's the thing though.


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[Assistant] Ed is doing a pri- is a private video. That, that, that his lover uploaded with, with permission from Leo after he put, so he's like I wanna upload these and the guy said you can't after I die and you know I'm gonna die pretty soon, right? So they, that was a permission.


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[Assistant] Is putting it out there. He's the one that doesn't recognize how fucking insane his shit is. See, Ed is like, yeah, I'm talking to you directly one on one and you'll just share it later. And it's just funny. What's funny about Ed is that he


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's just bad sexy talk. That's the funniest part. It's, it's like my dad being like, show me your pussy. And like, you're like, Jesus, man, like that's, it's just so on the nose. You know, there's no dressing it up. There's no flourish. Yeah. So I want to suck your tits. Like that's, it's the equivalent of that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, you can actually tell what's going on exactly in the original video. In the original video, what's going on is that we're, it's beginning as Mark is jerking off, right? And so he's like, and then he's, he's trying to romance him, trying to talk sex, he's like, you're the only man in my life and you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then what clearly happens is that Mark probably, cause we don't ever hear him, he goes, I'm gonna come. And then he goes, Oh yeah, yeah, show me how big of a lot. Like it's a very, it's like a guy who's never had a explicit conversation before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, otherwise it would just be two guys jerking. But the fact that we only hear the one guy is why it's great. Cause you get to make up the other side. You know? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, wow. If you see the YMH live number one, you get to see that Mark exists.


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[Assistant] Because we have video of them sucking and fucking.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, I need to get back into that. I was really enjoying that.


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[Assistant] Douglas Green is accused of carrying out the attack Sunday. Green's wife told police the two were arguing over dinner arrangements when her husband reportedly became angry and threatened to drown her in the river. Green then dragged his wife to the water and forced her in.


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[Assistant] Police said the victim had bruises on both arms and was charged with aggravated kidnapping in the course of committing unlawful detention to assault. Okay. What? You're laughing. That's neat.


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[Assistant] I have this horrible, violent thing I saw burned into my head.


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[Assistant] Pretty bad, that site that I sent you guys, I didn't realize how intense that site was. Fuck. Don't even, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. This is an email from somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, mommies, I asked my dad if he knew Herky, aka, Conald, um, fed smoker. He smiled and acknowledged. Seemed a bit confused when I said he died and it wasn't in a prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I asked him, got any stories? And he said, yea, he came into court one day holding a ball of his own shit.


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[Assistant] They let him keep it. Cheers. They let him keep it. So, that's pretty cool of Connie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does the sex keep the brown in and or does the brown push the white out? No, the brown doesn't push the white out, but the sex definitely keeps it in.


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[Assistant] Definitely. I agree, yes. I've had that many times. I've had like, I've been like, oh I think I have diarrhea, but there's an opportunity for sex right now, and then your system will just shut it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, I don't know how the women's system works. I know for guys, like, doing certain things will shut, you know, other things down, right? Like if you, if you, when you pee, the valve will shut so your pee doesn't come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, there's a thing about like if you, if you have to dump but you put yourself in a high stress situation of any kind, usually your body will shut it down unless it's just such an emergency that it has to evacuate. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, it's high, it's high stress in the sense that like your body's focusing, I think on everything, you know, like your nervous system shifts gears and it goes into like, well, we got to get this white out, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, I mean, if you, if you dictate it so, you know what I mean? If you're going like, I want to have sex right now. I think your body just goes, all right, we got to hold in this shit, you know, and then happens later. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I don't mind it as long as I'm clean. I don't want to go from like a dump and like, uh, two wipes. Like, let's just say, no, I want to really clean up so I feel clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, good question. I think I feel best, uh, after a shower, but I feel like a good bidet washing, depending on how, this is the thing, it depends on how messy your brown is.


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[Assistant] Exactly, yeaah. I mean there's like, there's scars and stuff.


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[Assistant] Quite a performer. Yea, strong performer. Very strong performer.


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[Assistant] Exactly, you're gonna put that song out there? I think you got it.


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[Assistant] You know what we should do next year? We should send out cards. Like have really nice cards, man. It's Labor Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there we go. Memorial Day. That's kinda like somber though, right? Uhm, uh, Independence Day, yeah. Veterans Day. I don't even know what Labor Day is for. I really don't. I don't know either. I have no idea what it's for.


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[Assistant] Columbus Day, you should send people graphics.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really sociopathic serial killer.


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[Assistant] The Spicks were like, take your greasy, guinea-wop ass across the fucking ocean and, you know, bring back some gold. And then, what are these blacks doing here? Like that kind of thing went down. You know? That's kind of the story if you want to summarize it.


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[Assistant] What's Labor Day all about? What is Labor Day?


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[Assistant] Labor Day is a federal holiday. Scroll to the right.


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[Assistant] Is a federal holiday in the United States celebrated on the first minute to honor and recognize


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[Assistant] I've never known that. I just knew it was like usually when Florida State and Miami played to kick off college football for a number of years.


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[Assistant] Hit that Wikipedia. Let's see uhm, when it actually started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, oh, they had a Labor Day parade in 1882. That's how long it's been going on. Like since the 1800s. Uhm.


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[Assistant] Beginning with the trade union and the labor movements, God.


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[Assistant] I mean, does anybody actually honor that day? Like does anyone actually go, like it's just a free day off. That's how people view it, right? No one's ever like, we gotta really stop and think about the contributions of laborers.


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[Assistant] You know what they should rename Labor Day? Lazy Day.


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[Assistant] It's lazy day, it's when Americans just go, I'm fucking lazy, I don't feel like working today, let's cook something, you know, let's watch something. Colin's sick today. Yea, yea, it's Colin's sick day, it's fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's loser day. This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by ExpressVPN. When you go to the bathroom to make yellow or brown, you always close the door behind you, right? Yea, you don't wanna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what's worse is they can sell this information to ad companies and tech giants who will use your data to target you. ExpressVPN puts a stop to this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put it on all, I use it on all my devices, I use it on my phone, I use it on my laptop, it works on everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ExpressVPN is the world's number one rated VPN by CNET, Wired, The Verge, and countless others. So if you're like me and believe your online activity is your business, secure yourself by visiting expressvpn.com slash your mom today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use our link EXPRESSVPN.com slash your mom. You can get an extra three months free. That's ExpressVPN.com slash your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a couple weeks ago, I don't know if you were watching the US Open, you may have heard the world's current number one player, Novak Djokovic, uhm, was, he got broken on a point, I think, and then he did that thing where he just, you know, walking away, hits the ball, and the ball hit a line's judge in the throat. Uh, here it is. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then not only did she grab her throat, then she, she, uh, falls to the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I didn't do it maliciously. Which he didn't. You can tell he's just like hitting it. But he doesn't realize that uhm, that where it went. I mean, it's his fault for sure. But uh, I don't think it was malicious, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, god damn it. And then right now he's like, it's a ball, are you, are you dead or something? Stupid bitch. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But a serve is different than him going, now of course he's a ridiculous tennis player, but he wasn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but even his throwaway. His throwaway for sure doesn't feel good. I mean, gosh, uh, best wishes, send flowers and, you know, heartfelt messages to the lines judge that just ruined a guy's perfect fucking season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was undefeated this year. I know. Undefeated. And she had to go ruin that. Number one, probably, you know, on his way to possibly winning another major and you fucked that up because your stupid fucking throat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her yummy pussy! Not for that, just for another comment that's on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So homeboy also has an Instagram that's active, right? Pretty cool Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he drew those. He has like a martial arts, uh, photo. He has all these drawings he made of like women he admires. Pretty good artist, I gotta say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wearing masks, very, you know, socially aware of what's going on out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Masking every photo. Yamaka there? Yep, flexing the Yamaka. No, so reminding people that he is indeed, uh, Jay. And then, uh, going back in time here, maybe pre-mask. I don't know what's going on, masks off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. But I also noticed that uhm, he obviously has a thing for a lot of these hot, sexy babes. Yeah. Uhm, if you scroll further down to his drawings, he also has some, oh wow, there's another martial arts one there. Oh wow, it's a sunset. But he has some pretty cool photo shops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he, that he has, um, created of him with hot babes. Look at that hot babe right there. See her? Yea, I do. On the left. Nope, another hot babe in the middle, hot babe on the right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, uh, by the way, mask-wise, are still losing their goddamn minds. Yes, I know. This may, you might have seen this one, this guy re- this might have been the most someone's lost their mind without it- well, just take a look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're not, no, we're not refusing your service. We're refusing service to you. Yeah. Refusing your service. We're refusing to serve you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it really is like watching. I see a lot of that now. A lot of social media, you're like, oh, that's the thing is like, it really stands out to you when you see an adult acting like a toddler. Then you're like, Jesus, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like- This is crazy. I don't think I've explored- After a while, it's so upsetting that I want to, like, get away from him. You know what I mean? He's just like, it's too- He's too much. Let's take it to like, a little more fun type of dude. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very cool ending for a very cool video. So I would, I don't know, I would guess here, and of course I'm not an expert, I'm just like a chiropractor, I would guess that we're dealing with a manic episode of some kind, or some sort of stimulant has, uh, sort of, um, dictated that somebody behaved in this fashion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Where? He improvised the whole thing. Yeaah. The whole video. It was very entertaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, and he also thought at that point, I mean, these last few minutes have been gold, I'm not just going to erase all this. The spinning and the non- the eyes bugging out, the gmail and all this shit. And it was all so good that he was like, I can't waste this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's got some stories that will make you shiver. For sure. How'd we find this guy? Anybody know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Stupid. I like it. You know what? I like passion. I like passion too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. What that stuff was like. You think this kid is... local?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, you know what happened? He got knocked out, right? He just laid there, and they were probably like, alright, alright, alright, hey, hey, hey, we didn't know you were gay or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can somebody be disqualified? I got an ouchie on my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh? Yea, look at that little pussy to pieces, cause their pussies hurt. That's why. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really good movie. And, uh, it's, it's exactly what you want out of a movie in that you don't know where it's going. You don't know. Like, that's what, that's, I gotta tell you this though, because it brings me about to this. Look at this. No, no, no, go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's what, this is one of the biggest problems in movies is, is posters that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, people make decisions off of posters. I mean, in this, in this poster, probably most people are going, Mick Jagger's in this? Donald Sutherland's in this? That's it. But like, you don't know, like, the movie is better than this poster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just like if you're a guy, your shlong and stuff is in a sock, you know? Yeah. Yeah, you're not really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we did. Are these top movies? Can you make them bigger?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you, that's what I'm saying, in mainstream movies, for like a scene like that, the guy has all his stuff in a pouch, right? And the girl's stuff is covered. They put it like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, of course not. But I mean, first of all, I would fluff like crazy. Before, like, if they're like, this is the scene where you walk out and your dick's in frame, I'm like, cool, give me a few minutes. And like, we're gonna reset every time it goes down. I'm gonna give it a little girth, come back up. Where's that image?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, can you click on individual ones or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so these are like... Cause where is this one? Scroll down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's Steve Carell and Rose Byrne. Uhm, but look at that poster. Also, like, it looks like an entry level graphic designer. Like someone who's like, is this how you make a graphic? It's no good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, Black Panther, same. Go down. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what's this new, look at this poster, uhm, I just saw this one too where I was like, good lord, what is this, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a, a poster I saw for Made in Italy. Look at that. Made in Italy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say it like your dad. Yeaah, this too, this looks like a- Beaches or something. Click on the first one on the left. Oh my, is this about a gay couple? No, it's about a dad who fucks his son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's about a dad who fucks his son. Yes. That's what it's about. Look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But doesn't the poster, like, isn't that a weird, cause the dad is insisting on it. See how the son's like, I don't want to, like, hesitant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dad and the son go to Italy. This is something that happens. It's a very common story. What happens is the father is aging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Nobody wants to see that, sir. Nobody wants you to do that, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go, I got a update for you. Let me give you the right sound cue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's what that implies, that a Muslim woman would do that, which I, again, that's a real risky thing to be put, I mean, you know, it's your own message, but, uh, he's the same guy who, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you this. I have heard not, I have heard that white people smell like wet dogs. I've heard that multiple times from different black people. They didn't, they didn't say wet white people. They said white people smell like wet dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 20 people, okay, all black, and they were like, uh, it was, it was pretty like, pretty hood crowd, okay, and the alarm went off, and there was like, there was no security and, but anyways, show's fun, at one point I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I just, I bring people on stage, okay? Like I, so I bring this black guy up on stage and I'm like, hey, what do you want, what do you want to say about white people that has never been set? Cause I'm just like working it into bits and stuff. Just having fun. And I see the guy in the booth like this.