[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I be honest with you, Boj? I have no fucking idea how to lose weight. Even when I've lost weight, I just do it in like this psychotic manic kind of way. I don't do it in like a healthy fucking way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I can be, I can be obsessive compulsive. But the problem is, I'm not like... He gets hyper obsessive. Yeaah, hyper obsessive, but the problem is...


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[Assistant] Is uh, when we lost all that weight, I stayed in the 220s for a full calendar year.


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[Assistant] So hold on, let's, let's, let's walk through our first, you do two shows. So your first show, No Booze, I'm sure, right? Definitely. Coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Okay, me too. Uh, cup of coffee, bring it on stage, no booze for a show. I might bring a beer out, but I won't touch it. Second show, I bring a cocktail or a beer out. Yeah, never. When I say, when I was 22 years old, I got involved with Russian Mafia. Here's how it happened. They cheer, and that's when I start drinking. That's my first drink of the night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 14 minutes and I'll get a little bit of a buzz, oddly enough, I know that people think that I wouldn't, but even in that 14 minutes, just having a few sips, I catch a little bit of a buzz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't drink before it makes me. We did it in Vegas, we had mimosas. And I'll do it on like an overnight flight. I'll drink that evening, but I have to be sober. I can't be having beers getting on stage. I just give a shitty show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drink on stage for the second show starts when I tell the machine story. I go backstage and then, uh, backstage I'll have another drink, like sitting back there. We do like, uh, you know, like a 15 minute chill out. People come backstage before backstage passes, like friends or, you know, whatever. And have a drink with them and then I'll take that drink out to the meet and greet. Do the meet and greet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're one of those people that that can get into you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then it will get into you. I would have to drink a lot more if I had to do- I actually don't drink that much because I can't drink so I'm taking pictures. I'll take maybe like- I would drink a lot more if I had to take pictures. I'll take like 500 pictures a night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm inviting 1800 people to a bar, you know, and going like, at both shows. I'll be drinking at dot dot dot tonight. If you want, meet me over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just say, hey, thanks, I'm sorry that I fucking swamped your bar tonight. And then I'll, and I'll, and they usually take care of me and just give me, like in, when we did it in Boston, we went to the, the place right down the street, I forget the name of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I did, they didn't have Tito's and soda, so I just drank beer. Uhm, but I don't really get that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a little healthier, I think it's a little leaner.


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[Assistant] Tito's is always nice enough to send me handles all the time. I have maybe, I have maybe 19 bottles of Tito's at my, on my tour bus. Really? I have so much goddamn Tito's on my tour bus, you have no idea. In Atlanta, Live Nation just gave me a case of Tito's. They were like, oh, just so you have it. We have so much Tito's, it's ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's where it gets wacky for me is like, then we get on the bus and we got, you know, I'm traveling with like six people. So you get on the bus and everyone's like, uh, hey, let's, uh, let's do another round. Hey, let's throw on some Netflix. Hey, we just bullshitting. And then you stay up at sometimes until four in the morning and you're like, and then sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But once you get on the bus, it's healthier for me like when we have to leave right after a venue, it's very healthy. When you go to a bar and then you get back to the bus and you're like, you're just like, I was staying up talking, but you're not getting that fucked up on the, just sitting on the bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think my drinking oddly enough has been more under control than my eating. I was really good the first run and then it just, the fucking gears came off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we were in Indianapolis and they had this great pizza place, so I was like, 4 pizzas. Huh? What? We'll watch the NFC championship in the port tour bus. Huh? What? And it was just fucking, the wheels come off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, jerkin' off. That's me jerkin' off in a window. Yea, look at him.


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[Assistant] I had never seen that before. That woman almost got me fired. You never heard this story? The time you jerked off? You never heard this story for real? No. Oh, this is a good story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for those of you who are listening, you did not see anything. Yea, that's true. But what you, what was it from the shield? And those two actors- That's not real footage? That's not real footage, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, I... The television show, The Shield. You were...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a cuck. That was my role that said the cuck. What was the booking like? Uh, I, I actually didn't even have to read for it. They just booked me. How great is that? Yeah, Tommy just looked at me and they go, he looks like a cuck. Fucking, cause the role was, I was a guy who hired a black guy to fuck my wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing, just me and her fucking. I'm not, we're not, we're very meaty potatoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did, we did, uh, the 12 nights of Kama Sutra in December. Yeaah. We did the 12 nights of Christmas with a group of friends, so we had 12 parties in December.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then on the first, and then the first night I said, why don't we as a group of friends do the 12 nights of Kamasutra. So every night we have a party, we'll all send each other a new Kamasutra pose that we have to do. And then we'll send our notes back in the morning as a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not everyone understood it properly. The first couple gave their kids a Nike or a Benadryl and then did all 12 positions that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not what you said. And so yea, that's not all we said. But Leanne and I did it. We did all of them and it was fucking awesome. Really? There was this one position that, uh, that she pulled up and it was so cool. Imagine if, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now take that position and just fall back on the bed. So her back's on the bed and you're on your side. And her legs are up over your legs. Does that make sense? Push.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was awesome. But yea, I'm more berry meat and potatoes. I just want to have regular sex. Yea. Yea.


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[Assistant] Big anal guy or no? Never done it. Not with her. Once in camp, this guy did it to me.


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[Assistant] I tried. Okay, so wait, you booked this role, you said. So I booked this role.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and Chickless is, I think Chickless and this other guy are directing this episode. But Chickless is on set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I read the breakdown and I had a scene and it's me watching my wife fuck a black dude, right? And the black guy and my wife are both in this house. I see them in the house. And so I just got into a role and I started playing with my dick. Like legit playing with my dick, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, they pull up and she gets outraged. This lady? Yea, this lady, the real person. She calls cut. She goes, this is ridiculous. He's touching himself. And in my head I'm like, did I read this wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I thought that it said to play with yourself. And I'm like, oh my god, I'm so fucking embarrassed. I've never acted in anything before. This is the first thing I ever acted in. This is when we were shooting Hurt Perk, by the way. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, I'm not gonna work with him, and so she moves, they split us up, and uh, Michael Chiklis and this other guy, I forget the other guy's name, come up to me, and I go, hey man, I'm really sorry, I think I misread this. I can do it again, I don't have to touch myself, and he was like, no, great choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I walk up, this whole shot that you see, and I'm fucking playing with my dick. I'm gonna play with my dick. And then my dick starts getting hard, and I'm playing with my dick. And we're going on for like five minutes, and I'm like, are they even filming? Or do you think they're just sitting back there going, watch this guy jack off, let's see if he comes. And so, then finally he goes, alright, cut. And he goes, I would have let you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big black guy comes out and I was like, honey, can you just tell them what's going on? And he's like, yeah, dudes with her. And then you find out that I like to have black guys fuck my wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that all you're gonna do is intercut my voice of, I like to have black guys fuck my wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They yell Thomas Fat, they yell Thomas Fat, they yell Tour Bus Champ a lot. The one, the one, I mean I told you this, I hate to even bring this up because I, because obviously it's something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The very first date I did after doing this podcast was in Oxnard and some guy clear as fucking day in the middle of my set goes


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell your N-word joke. What word? The N-word.


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[Assistant] He, but he said, he said the real word, he said the real word and it was in the cleanest white version of that use of that word and it ruined the room. It ruined the fucking room. And everyone was like, oh. And I was like, listen, I don't, I apologize. I go, listen, I, I understand that you're a fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, I, I, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna do that and I, I just wish you hadn't done that and it really reset the room and I had to like win them back and it was like fucking nightmare. So I get done the show, I'm doing the meet and greet and this black guy comes up to me and he goes, you never told it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a black guy doing a white guy voice. Yeah. And it fucking, and I was like, you m- I go, why didn't you tell everyone you were black? He goes, I don't care. Cause he's black. He's like, I don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was fucking horrific. That was the one that sucked the most. But mostly people yell Torbus, Champ, Burdus, Fatt, Mickey Mantle, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How funny is, I mean how fucking comical is that the governor gets caught in blackface, the next guy raped some women and then allegedly and then the next guy goes actually I've been in blackface.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our high school cheerleading squad in like 1987, 89, 88.


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[Assistant] There was a picture of it online. There was a picture of it online and I actually hit some of the chicks up and was like hey you guys work with kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might want to get rid of that picture. One girl, there's a picture online. Tagged herself. She's like, I love this thing. No, there's one girl that works with disabled kids that had a, there's a picture of me and her in college. It was a, this party I threw and she is in straight blackface.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like legit blackface and I ran into her in San Diego and I was like, hey, you may want to like scrub the internet of that, like just pull it down. She had posted it herself and tagged me in it. It's just oblivious to the idea


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[Assistant] Oh, I, I mean, I don't, I never even thought of it. To be honest, I mean, I, I never done it, but I, it's only because I don't like makeup on my face. Like, I'm not saying that I would've or I wouldn't, but I don't like makeup on my face, like clowns freak me out, so I don't ever put makeup on my face.


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[Assistant] At two in the morning. I watch Empire. Like, but I wouldn't recognize you. I've watched Empire, but I wouldn't recognize you. And two guys in MAGA has like, hey, you're that gay guy from Empire. That never is gonna happen. No one that's a MAGA guy is watching Empire. That just doesn't happen. It's not what they enjoy watching. It's a good point. I never thought of that. The noose was on his neck for 45 minutes.


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[Assistant] No one wants, they're not trying to get you lighter.


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[Assistant] No one's like, hey, we want you to be like us. C'mon man, let's uh, let us help out.


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[Assistant] Okay, if this bleach works, then we'll stop in the middle of this. I'm so sorry man. There was a lot of that that I just didn't, I called bullshit in my head. But then I'm also a cynic. And I'm also a contrarian, so like, as soon as that happened, that's what I thought. And then once I found out it was a lie, I didn't get empathetic for that kid. And then I go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You feel badly for him. I feel badly for him. Yea, it's sad. Cause I go, where's his brain at?


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[Assistant] And I don't want that to be used as a lightning rod to light up true mega-racists. To go, this is why they're that, or this is... So like, whatever side is the... I'm always going to the opposite side and trying to argue the other direction. But yea, I feel bad for that kid. I don't know what the fuck's going on in his brain that he thought that would help him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a viral challenge that we put out on Facebook. Much like the ice bucket challenge.


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[Assistant] It's a tight shot and it's like, hey guys, my name is Burt Kreischer. It's ready for the, it's ready, I'm ready for the, uh, the butt plug challenge. Right now you gotta try to guess, am I putting a butt plug in or am I not putting a butt plug in? And it's just a shot in my eyes and it's me going,


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[Assistant] Like if I eat a lot of spicy stuff and my fucking asshole's burning, I'll just shove a preparation H. It's a positive story up there.


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[Assistant] That was the last time? Yeah, Leanne will do it. Why won't she do it? This is my impression of me and Leanne during oral sex. Ready? Oh, that feels so right. Put your finger on my ass. What? Nothing.


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[Assistant] She would not do that. No. That's not Leanne. Because as soon as I said that Leanne was just like, are you gay?


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[Assistant] Tom has, Tom lies about his personal hygiene. I remember one time I picked something out of my body or something and I smelled it and Tom goes, you would smell that? I go, I'm sorry. If you find an object on your body, your first thing isn't to smell it. That's the first thing I do. If I find something.


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[Assistant] Do you, does yours smell? Yea, behind my ears do right now. All the time.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've actually had a pair of jeans that one time I was flying back from South Africa and I was on the plane and I went, I think my jeans smell.


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[Assistant] Do you floss? No, I don't. I floss, hold on, I floss aggressively, but more importantly, I water pick every day.


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[Assistant] I'll go, we need to, we need to involve some toilet paper in this one. But then I'll always go.


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[Assistant] Whoa, who's on your podcast? Lots of people.


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[Assistant] I was like that, remember that there was a person that said I was responsible for the synagogue shootings? Someone said that? Yeah. Oh, I sent it to you.


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[Assistant] That was a long story, I'm not getting into it. Somebody tweeted you that? Nah, don't let it change the fucking subject. Someone genuinely wrote an article saying I was responsible for those synagogue shootings.


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[Assistant] Out of most of the comics out there, I, I, I can take a joke and I'm fine with it. And I get, I can understand an attempt at a joke that falls short. I understand that it's, they're not pros at it. I've fallen short.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But sometimes you get guys that just say mean shit. And I'll take it if you like, I mean, I'll be like, you know, if the guy follows me, I know he's trying to be funny. If you don't follow me, I'm like, sorry man, that's not how it works. You get fucking blocked. You get sucked a dick. Or if like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I block people because they said way too much mean shit about you and I'm like, oh no, he's my friend. I like him more than I like you. Now I'm blocking you. I blocked a lot of people on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I've blocked a lot of people on Instagram. We just get on my thing and start fights with people. And just, but they're trying to do like an inside joke, but they're legit starting fights. I just go, man, you can't play anymore. You gotta understand the nuance of it. You gotta get, have a sense of humor about it at least.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, or if I post a picture of my family and they go, uh, they say like, really horrible shit about like, whatever. I'm just like, eh, you're not gonna play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think that's the right we have is to say, hey, I'm not going to play. I remember when we first did the fast shaming at the very beginning, uh, there were people that did not, weren't in on the joke, they weren't getting it at first. And they were picking sides for real. Fuck Burt, I fucking hate that guy. He laughs at his own jokes. He's a fucking fat fuck. He don't even have a Netflix special. Who the fuck is he anyway? He's just some guy from Travel Channel. I remember you going like, huh, he's blocked. He can go fuck himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too late, someone's already done that. Oh, they did? Yeah, some fucking guy used to be my friend did that. What? What? Yeah, I'm not gonna say his name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything's sold, but you know, there's always like single tickets. There's always available tickets. So like, uh, and on those second shows, there's always like, you know, like a, like a two packet somewhere. Uhm, I'm in New Orleans this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Austin, Dallas, and then, uh, and then I do like Jersey, Philly, DC, and then that run of the middle, middle, middle of the country, and then I'm, and then I'm in Australia and Europe. Yeah. Yeah. I think Europe's already sold out and then Australia has got open tickets. I think, but that's like fucking three months, four months away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about it now so we're not thinking of it at the last minute. We're not doing the surf thing. I mean, I don't know how we would. Yea, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to plan my touring around it because I don't want to be touring too aggressively in October.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and right now they want me to go out every single weekend in October. And I'm like, I can't, I can't. So October's too much fun. I want to be present for it. I want to be here. I want to do something where we all do it together, like we did hot yoga, where it's bringing together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first one was better. The competition got intense. And the only person, I mean, I didn't even talk to Ari. I couldn't even talk to Ari because he was so competitive about it. Uh, this year's. Yea, this year's. Or whatever. And I didn't talk to Joe once. We'd all be in our text. But the only person I ever spoke to was you. Yea. Like, I wanna do something inclusive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't enjoyable, it was interesting. It was a good journey, but it wasn't, it wasn't as fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if we paired up with, I mean, I think all of us are pretty anti-corporate, but what if we did pair up with a big corporation to do something of theirs, so we could, I don't know, I mean, we're already gonna lose Joe, cause he's like, we're not gonna all financially benefit off Sober October, I think part of the fun of it is that it's organic. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I liked, I mean, when Ari, like when we were in Arizona and Ari was like, yeah, we gotta go, we gotta go, we have a hot yoga class at five, and then we're doing a show at eight. It was kind of fun to dip out, go do hot yoga. Did you already do that week with him? What? Then you guys, weren't you guys gonna do Salt Lake? Yeah, we went to Utah. You already did it? Yeah. How was it? It was great. Ari is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's fucking hilarious to watch ski. Really? He's the ugliest skier you've ever seen in your life. He is, first of all he's, he's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's taller and lankier than anyone out there. He dresses like he's a child. He has like stars and stripes pants, a Dirk Nowinski jersey on. He covers his face all in black so it looks like he's like one of those G.I. Joe men. And then he skis like a pizza pie, where he just snow plows the whole time. But he goes 60 miles an hour snow plowing. Like it's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he, uh, it was a fun weekend, man. All we did was talk shit about comedy. Really? Ohhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, dude, when we've, we went down this blue run, it's called Boomer, and in the middle of Boomer in Salt Lake City, there's a bar. And we went down, we've been skiing like half the day, maybe like five runs. We get to this bar, Boomer, and we sit down, we're like, anyone want a beer? We want a beer. And then something pops up on the internet, and someone's like, dude, have you seen this? And all of a sudden,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're at boom, we're at this bar for two hours, and then at one point we're like, fuck it, you just wanna ski down to the bottom and get drunk and finish this conversation? Dude, it was the greatest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta get you a travel smoker, Tommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did a brisket in Tampa, we did, uh, dinosaur ribs in Orlando, we did pulled pork in Atlanta, we did vegan burgers in Fort Lauderdale. You set this up every night. Set up every night. It's so much fucking fun. Shout out to Rec Tech. Wow. Dude, they got great grills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, you know they sent me a grill a while ago, just, I don't know, they just sent it to me and I didn't open it, I didn't even, like, I just was like, ah, I'm busy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm busy. Yeah. It was this big grill and I was like, I don't have time to put it together. They sent it to, uh, and they gave me like a custom grate where it says the machine on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. What's your jam? You would cook feasts. Oh man, those days are the best. Those were, I miss those days so much. Yeaah, it was fun. The naked time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just started, I remember we, I did, uh, it was before I knew anything about bonuses, you guys came over and I did Columbus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's right when we started doing Rogan's podcast a little bit. You guys came over and Stroop was like, hey, uh, you hit your bonuses. How do you want it? In cash or in the check? I was like, I'll give it cash. And he gave me like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like we were in the car and you're like, this is such- There's something wrong with you. If you only know Tom from this podcast, there's a part of his personality you don't get. First of all, he, me and him are very similar in that we write think. So we'll be writing a joke like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see that face all the time. Yeah, but then there's another part of him where he like will like, it's almost like, uh, like a child where he looks at you and you can tell he's got a thought and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I do if I'm drinking, but like I was, I wasn't even drinking, we were just in the car. Yea. And I was burping, like. A lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need it to be, uh, something that is, folds in easy to Joe and Ari's life, but makes it fun for our family. So it's, we're not, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, like, I'm like a shark. Like I, I literally, my eyes go back in my head and I just, and I just can't stop. I can't, I, I don't know how to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was shitting at the comedy store last night because of it. How was the store? It was great. It was great. It was really awesome. Uhm, I also, if I'm that way with booze,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're fine. One of the first times, one of the first times, I didn't drink for like six months when I was dating Leanne, cause we, she dumped me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For early on. For drinking? No, it wasn't for drinking, but I, but I, what we got into a fight was I was drunk when that happened. And I got, I felt like alcohol betrayed me for the first time. So I was like, I'm putting alcohol on timeout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, and then I got to a place where I was like, maybe I'll never drink again. I thought that. And then we went to Italy, and it was snowing, we were in Venice, it was snowing. And it was like during a vacation, so gnomes on the roads, gnomes on the streets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we went to a little restaurant and it started snowing and she said, I say we just walk around all night.


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[Assistant] And I was like, I gotta be honest with you, I really want a glass of wine. And I hadn't drank or wanted to drink in six months. She goes, do it. I don't give a fuck. And I was like, really? She goes, yea. She goes, I don't think you have a drinking problem. I just think you drink a lot. But here's, now, this is going from not drinking at all, so I have a cup of glasses of wine to bring the bottle out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, we're not gonna leave the fucking bottle, we're gonna murder the goddamn bottle. Like I'm not gonna, and I hadn't drank at all. I had one glass, I felt really buzzed. I go, we're killing the whole bottle. Now I'm burping a lot and I notice it. And then we killed the bottle and we walked out in the snow. It was one of the most romantic nights I ever had in my life. Oh, it was fucking great. Where was this? In Venice, in Italy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just snow had just started falling. It was brand new snow covered streets. No one had walked on it. It was like midnight and it was right after New Year's Eve so everything was shut down.


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[Assistant] I kept tying that, going down to tie my shoe. Huh? What are you crying for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got into a fight with her friend and I wouldn't let it go. Her friend picked a fight with me at a dinner and I wouldn't let it go. And I, I like, after three days I was still upset with it and I hadn't said I love you to her yet. She had said I love you to me and I hadn't said I love you to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's like, I love you and you're like, cool. I said cool. She goes, I said, no actually I said, she goes, I love you and I said, you do?


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[Assistant] I'll be able to smoke pot with my kids. Yeah? I'll be like 55 in George's in college.


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[Assistant] Do you feel like, and I'll say this, I know that you're successful, but none of us in this room are as successful as Tommy. Do you feel like you picked the right horse?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you, I'll tell you when I knew Tommy was the winner. Yeah. Is, uh, we did a TV show and they were like, Hey, I was like, we need to bring in a writer. Do you have any suggestions? I go, my buddy, Tom Segura is a really great comic. He could be writer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was, I think I was doing Birth Conquer at the time, so I went to do Birth Conquer. I came back a week later and Tom had not only taken the head writer's job, but he was also executive producing the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For those of you listening, we had a segment called, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, Jennifer Garner and then it was Jamie Lee Curtis and this guy goes, stick it, my dad fucked her. And we're like, what? And he goes, my dad fucked Jamie Lee Curtis. And I go, I was her, she's a hermaphrodite. And he goes, no, my dad fucked her. But then again, would my dad say he fucked a dude? Probably not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had these two Mexican guys and Tom had a segment called, uh, uh, Mexican or not a Mexican.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This show is so great. We got these girls in these hot three girls and there was this thing where we're gonna have one girl put lipstick on another girl with her toes. Yeah, like hold it and draw it and no and do lipstick. Yeah, with their paws.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, this is exactly how I go. So ladies, I don't know if you notice this, but none of you are wearing lipstick. One of my favorite things in the world is one with lipstick. So the challenge is now, and she goes to put it on with my tits, and I went, yes it is.


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[Assistant] Didn't they have a problem with that? He was not. I was not. The guests could be on buzzed. They were on buzzed but with what they blew...


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[Assistant] Oh, dude, do you remember when the guy was on his first date with his chick and we're like, have you ever performed oral sex on an animal? And he goes, a chick mugs once. And we're like, excuse me? And he goes, hold on, let me explain. And I was like, uh, you're definitely explaining. He goes, it fell out of a tree.


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[Assistant] They did a shot at Comedy Central to celebrate it. Under all their pilots. They did a shot. They loved it. Turned the lights on. They're like, how many episodes are we picking up? Guy raised his hands from ad sales. He said zero. He goes, I can't sell that show. That's really cool.


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[Assistant] Australia has got some tickets left, it's a little ways away. I think Europe's entirely sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will be in DC, New Jersey, Philly, uh, Wise Guys is sold out, Paramount in Denver on the 23rd, and then ending it in Wisconsin, Milwaukee, and Minnesota at the end of March. Awesome. It's been the greatest, I'll be dead honest with you man.


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[Assistant] For those, those of you that do or don't know, Tommy and I are really good friends and so we talk a lot and to watch your tours and to see you do all these tours and to look at them and go, I wonder what that's like, I wonder if it's overwhelming, I wonder, like just have all those thoughts in your head and then to do it for the first time.


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[Assistant] Dude, it's the favorite, it's the favorite thing I've ever done in this business ever. This tour is the greatest thing I've ever done. I've never had more fun ever in my entire life and I fucking, I just, I honestly only wish that we were doing it together. Like it would be fun to be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be so much fucking fun. I look at, I look at past touring and going,


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[Assistant] Man, Joe would have loved this. With Joey Ari and Red Band back in the day. He would have loved, it would have been, it would change his life. It would have been, it's a game changer. That's my next goal is to get like, do a big tour with all of us and just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check out Wife of the Party, my wife's podcast. They actually got Miss Pat on it coming up.


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[Assistant] It's gotta feel good to be that tall, I saw it. It does feel good. And just to say it, I'm Jewish. So there's a Jew in the room and we'll talk about it as much as you want to. No thank you. It's kind of like an S&M relationship. Really? Yeaah. It's sadomasochistic, it's fucked up.


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[Assistant] I've learned to cope. He writes me off, uh, text wise, working with the Jew. Of course.


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[Assistant] It's like the, it's beyond a dream because you get to like write and direct and cast and produce it. It's like, why are you letting us do that? Like it doesn't really make any sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well we, we did, it was stand up sketch, cause uhm, we've been doing stand up for like a decade or whatever in LA and just trying to do as much as possible and then we were simultaneously doing video sketch, so it wasn't like live sketch, it was like making


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Short films. Which is like practice almost in a way, right? It's honestly, I reckon, it's kind of what you almost have to do now. Like you guys, I don't know if you make video sketches, but you do a lot of stand up, but I think most people coming out now,


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[Assistant] And you know what's funny is that there's, there's this huge myth that things can't get made, but you know,


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[Assistant] Learn how to just even shoot and edit and if you- and make things all the time and it takes a few years to get really good and you're so- you're gonna be so happy you learned how to do it. Do it before you're too old to be annoyed at doing it and then learn how to do it and make stuff you really never know what can happen.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well because I mean I feel like a large part of why I've been able to like make a living at least for the past four or five years finally as like a comedian is


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[Assistant] And I'm not just purely silly on stage or like purely silly in what I'm saying, so it's like I see things critically and-


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[Assistant] You sort of get trapped into thinking that, well that's your income, so you don't want to fuck with that. You know what I mean? I want to look at things the same way so it's consistent, but it's like, but I'm not happy when it goes well. Like when it goes well, I'm like, well whatever, it doesn't matter, I trick them. You know, so I just want to enjoy stuff.


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[Assistant] He, he was dating a woman who uhm, who didn't wanna sleep with him but he proposed to her so she would essentially be his nurse. And it was like, and it was like for her, this would have been his fourth wife and she's like, no.


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[Assistant] Yes, but that's also because, actually I can, this is kind of a fucked up story, but I can, I might as well talk about it. The real reason I have fucked up, uh, I have trouble fitting, which you already know about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like got, I would like take Valium and get blackout drunk cause I was so, it was the first time I'd ever been cheated on. It's a hor, it's horrible when you're like, oh the world is bad, like that's bad. Uhm, before you even understand sex is confusing, whatever, but at that point I was like my world was shattered and we,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, she then went off birth control, snuck into my room, woke me up, we had sex one night, which is essentially a version of assault. Hello, yeaah. But, she also had gotten off birth control to try and get pregnant, and then for several weeks, uhm, this is actually helpful for me, I'm sorry, sorry Matt, but for several weeks she was like, I think I'm pregnant, I think I'm pregnant, she tried to keep me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, cause she wanted to keep me, and then if she wasn't pregnant and I never, and so then, but I have not been able to finish during sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just confusing and I don't exactly know what to do. Like I don't even, I don't even really know how to deal with it cause it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've slept with so many people. Like it, like, uh, cause also when you go through sexual trauma, you can go different ways. You could either never have sex or you could have sex with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's not just leading to a baby. Even if the person's on birth control, it's a little irrational, you know what I mean? Like even if I have an IUD, it's still a little irrational. It's the loss of control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I feel like you can't really get lost in sex because you're just worried about what might happen. So you can't, you're not really feeling


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I would say that times when I've, cause obviously porn is very attractive cause it's like you come, it's like the simulation of sex but you're not having it but you still come and it feels better when you're watching porn a lot of the time. But it's not, that's only helped a little bit sometimes just in terms of sensitivity but it's, it's not the answer, it's something else. Exactly. And people don't get it. People have been messaging


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[Assistant] I feel like something that allows me, no matter what, if I'm able to achieve success, I would like to always drive a Subaru so people are like, wow, look how grounded he is. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I feel like you could spin, you could spin a chain into gold. Like you could, like you could like make it a thing. You could put it on your next special, you could Instagram it. You would probably make money off spending that stupid money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sour grapes. And he basically like, learned how to fake labels from like, Bordeaux. You know what I mean? And was like, and selling it to the richest motherfuckers in the country. And he could go to like, Trader Joe's and combine cheap wine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does feel, yea, you do have to work really hard. I mean comedy, you don't have to work, yea, no, you have to work really hard. You have to work really hard. It's like a great way to make a living, but I would love to just win the lottery. I would love to not be funny. And then have a low pressure, uhm, comedy, like you just go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I just feel like my kid will be fucking crazy. So I don't know if that's exciting. I mean, the thing is you have with comedians like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most comedians I know, like they're getting to the age where they're like gonna, are having kids or, and it's like, some of these people, the way that I know them, it's crazy to me they're reproducing, like it's like really scary for the earth, you know? But it's like, but it almost just feels inevitable for everyone. So I feel like saying I'm not gonna do it is dumb, but I don't want one cause I'm selfish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, well if you know that, don't do it. That's good to know. But I mean, but I don't- were you selfish? Were you not selfish before? No, you're selfish before.


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[Assistant] And do it for Rick. And do it for Rick. And he can hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy looks like a cro-magnet. He does. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people need... Fart mic. Fart mic. Fart mic. Toot toot. Yeah. Toot toot. Yeah. Toot toot. I'm serious about the fart mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's my question, okay? Why is it so hard to meet a girl just to fucking fuck, bro? Why does every girl want to come in your life and make your life fucking complicated?


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, their life and their situation is solely fuckin' upside down, okay? But they wanna fuckin' come disrupt your life. I don't understand this shit, okay? A lot of women out there are fully fuckin' full of shit and they're stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, but this relationship shit with bitches, go clean up your own backyard before you come to a niggas backyard asking for shit.


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[Assistant] Let's talk about my Instagram ad heads. I'm on a roll today because women are fucking stupid. Okay? They're fucking stupid. Okay? I don't understand why it's so difficult for good guys to meet a fucking sane woman. I don't understand why every woman's a fucking stupid idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the incident occurred on February 2nd. Was he in Sydney or in Adelaide?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your instrumentals and your original songs.


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[Assistant] Honestly, it's been one of the highlights for me of doing this show for years. I love playing the songs. I love playing the instrumentals.


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[Assistant] Uh, here's what's going on. The rest of this month, I only have two shows left this month. Uh, two big shows. They are going to be in Fresno and Bakersfield, California. They are, there's about a hundred tickets left in Bakersfield.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Fort Myers, Bart Myers, November 1st. The next day, I'm in Jacksonville, Florida at the Florida Theater and there are 70 tickets left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Orlando is all sold out. Augusta has about 100 tickets left. That's November 4th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the rest of November, I'm in Montclair. There's only tickets available for the Wednesday show. And in Philadelphia, I'm doing four shows at the Merriam Theatre. The only show available with tickets is Friday Late Show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, from there, you can go to thompsongara.com slash tour, look at the 2019 first half of the year dates. We just added, uh, second shows in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Houston and San Francisco. Those are both in January. We added second shows. The first shows are sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, second shows have been added in a number of other cities. San Diego, Dallas, Medford, DC, Chicago, Tampa, Oklahoma City. We're about to announce two more coming up. But, uh, get on it while you can. And I thank you so, so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For your support on that very exciting to have a tour kickoff like that. Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it, Jean. I like it, Jean. Thank you guys so much. Uhm, as always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for listening to this show, thank you for supporting our live shows, supporting our...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to MergeMethod.com slash Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a bunch of new stuff. We have exciting holiday stuff that's coming out in a couple weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe, I should probably check to see if the new, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The new hat is up there. Let's just look. It is! It's there!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is our winter hat, our beanie. Uhm. That's so fun. I love it. I love it.


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[Assistant] I'm going to ask that they send us some of these so we can wear them.


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[Assistant] It's here, on another episode of your mom's house... POMCASTS. So you know what to do, drop your jeans and... ROP. ROP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks. Do you think this lady is not well? You know what's really crazy? When you see somebody like her who looks like she's on the edge of complete breakdown, saying absolute nonsense to this poor truck driver, that look on her face is terrifying. Sure. Uh, it's that she's driving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I think about that all the time. So do I. This show has informed my opinion of the masses so much more. I know. That people like this, I mean, god bless her, I'm not trying to, I mean, you know, I don't wanna say that like, uh, it's hilarious that she's super sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what I'm saying is that, but sometimes I think about how many people out there, and especially on the road.


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[Assistant] I think one of the things you'll end up telling our boys a lot, all of, like, the two of us,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For unreasonable people out there. All the time. That's what there's a lot of out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of times if you're not crazy, you're expecting...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're expecting crazy people to be able to reason with you. And that's the big mistake.


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[Assistant] It is a huge life lesson. I'm almost 40 and that's something that I've recently come to terms with. Right. That you can't rationalize with totally fucking crazy people. No, but you can have a good time watching them. You can have a fun podcast about them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and you know, being the dirty guys, but I think some of them are probably very decent people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that was on a highway in Carolina, and yea, it probably, yea, it probably was frequented by some truckers.


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[Assistant] Four times? That's a... That's not a lot. That's not a lot, but how did she know it was four?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was like, ahh, alright. He started, uh, to pray and stuff. That's mean, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was that famous writer who was an atheist who was, uh, diagnosed and, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gave the double bird. Double birds! I gave him the double bird!


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[Assistant] I respect it. I respect the shit out of being like, no, I'm not buying it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I, which I, you know, you can't criticize that if it makes you feel like there's meaning and gives you comfort. I'm like, I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? That's one of the big flaws. We went to see First Man. By the way, I was ready to leave a few minutes in. I'm serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was, no, it was like an hour in, and I was like, alright, it's all set up, I get it, let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's directed by Spielberg. And it, you know, it hit the blueprint of movie making.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's a solid movie in that it follows, here's the setup, here's the, you know, the controversy, here's the resolution. Like you, but you, you see every scene coming, you see every line coming. I mean, there's no surprise in that movie, which is what makes movies fucking boring, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what if I cheated and he puts a flag in the moon? Everybody knows. Everybody knows. What? Whatever. Here's the things that I find very upsetting about the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, okay, these guys are up in space for- For four days to get to the moon. They're not gonna take a dump the whole time? Okay, that's upsetting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting also. Also, they don't show the guys jacking off at all, or even talking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you know they're thinking about it. Of course. There's no porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, what do you need when you're up there? Obviously that'd be like a top three list, you know, if they'd probably be like, uh, we need fluids to drink, we need food, I want music, I want to watch some porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if that's the order, but I just feel like it's very misleading. Once again, Hollywood misleads us into thinking that there's no jacking off going on in any facet of life for any type of character. There's no pooping going on ever. I mean, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I don't buy it. I think they're both like, how about I'll jerk you off, or I'll jerk you off. And then they watch the cum float around cause there's no gravity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot. That's the part that I actually learned something in the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A whole program going on for years to lead up to this. I didn't realize how many people died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the three guys died before it ever even took off because the fire just blew up in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, alright, well, Damien, Chazelle, uh, Scott.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or Josh Singer and James Hansen, the director and the writers. Here's the question everybody has for you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This movie is missing a big portion of interest from us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, babe, we don't know. We don't know. Cause these guys decided to get lazy and not tell us anything. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. None. I was thinking, cause what I heard before,


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[Assistant] We went to the movie was that there was a scene where he was on a couch on all fours and that he took his wife's hat and he put it behind and forced her to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, service from behind. Yeah. And I was like, that'll be a cool scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think Eva Mendes eats his scrum? It's Ryan Gosling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the price you pay for being a rapist. Touching dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa. You know what it kinda reminds me of? Kanye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Kinda sounds like him when he gives these speeches now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well he said he stopped taking his medication. Oh, well there you go. Yea, she definitely did too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, yeaah that is really unfortunate. Speaking of scrum, here's a message we got. Hey Tim and Crystal, I have been with my girlfriend for just over 8 months now. At one month I asked her what her favorite thing in the bedroom was and she said getting her scrum licked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As an ass-eating virgin, I was excited to try it out, and we both love it. Fast forward a week, she asked me in the shower if I would like to have my scrum licked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was a huge curveball as I was not prepared for an instantly declined out of politeness because as a man I don't have the prettiest asshole. Every day I was, I pondered what it could possibly feel like. If she likes it so much, then why wouldn't I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two months went by of me thinking about it just about every day. I finally asked her to dive in while we were showering. It truly changed my life. Hands down the best feeling ever. Nine months in, our relationship is stronger than ever and I really believe it is because of ass eating.


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[Assistant] The fact that Crystal has not eaten Tim's ass saddens me and I cannot stand listening to her decline it every time it's brought up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple days ago, I asked her the FGT RTD question and she would not turn me in. I believe her answer is a direct correlation to eating my ass. So Timmy, if you want to change Crystal's answer, you have to start with her eating your ass. Thanks from Canada's national.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody, uh, asked a couple episodes back, this is an email, a few episodes back you talked about dudes who like to have their balls squeezed during sex, and wondering exactly what the turn on was. Well, I am one of those guys. My wife knows that I like it when she grabs my sack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just gradually squeezes harder and harder until I can't take it anymore. Part of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] who probably was super confused the first time I took her hand and squeezed it down on my nuts now realizes what power she has


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And is also totally into it. Unrelated note, she was also not a ride or die wife. If I casually murdered a barista, who would turn my swollen ball ass into the police. Without second thought, that's Nate from Milwaukee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I, okay, yeah, that's what I'm saying. Can you scream out? Sure, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very much looking forward to this unplanned thing that you told me will happen tonight now. So I pretty much, very much appreciate it. Okay. Uhm, so we've had a really interesting couple of days, really months with this dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the cool thing that happened the other day. Kills me. So a lot of times the older boy, who's two and a half, uh, he'll pop up in the middle of the night, stand,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In his crib and just like yell or cry. You know, I assume he's had a nightmare or he's just awake, you know, found himself awake and wants to be comforted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Typically I go downstairs at that time and it'll be anywhere from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 11.30 at night to 5 o'clock in the morning. It's just, it's just whenever. It's not every night, but it's, you know, it's semi-regularly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other night, it's uh, it's about five in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he starts screaming and I hear him on the monitor. And so I sit up and I'm like, God damn, cause I was in a deep sleep. I know. All right. I go downstairs and I like how you go. Like, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyways, I go down there, I pick him up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I rock him, you know, I calm him. He gets relaxed in 10 seconds. So relaxed. And then I just stay with him for a few minutes. I'm like, alright buddy, we gotta go back to sleep. And he's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put em back in, walk upstairs, and you know, you're, you're more awake than you wanna be, cause it's like five now, and I'm like, fuck, I gotta go back to sleep. And as I'm walking,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I walk in the bedroom, I'm walking to the bathroom because I'm going to brush my teeth before I go back to bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You turn the light on, the dog was just so, so odd. It's horrible. Had shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so the dog though, this is so odd, you had actually heard her moving around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when I open the door, he hops out like over her shit. So then we like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, at this point it's like 5, 15 in the morning. We get gloves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Garbage bags, sprays. It's fucking horrible, man. Wipes. And so we're cleaning up diarrhea shit at 5 15 in the morning. So I wrap up the dog bed that's covered in shit, throw it in a garbage bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We finally get like the shit in a bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fuckin' smoke alarm, smoke detector goes off downstairs.


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[Assistant] I'm like trying to find which smoke detector is going off. It's in our older boy's room. Oh my god. So I open the door and it smells. It smells like burning rubber. It smells smoky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They showed up quickly. So fast. It's amazing. Fire department. I mean, firefighters are just amazing people, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys come storming in with axes. Yeah. I mean. And they were juiced. They were pumped. They were ready to go. They're like, where's the fire? And.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our kid is like, can we play now? And I was like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, you couldn't tell somebody, like you couldn't script this happening. The, him crying, dog shit, smoke detector, fire department, back to, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's, uhm, yeaah. So anyways, we put her down yesterday. Our guest, uhm, is here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we're back, uhm, and we have with us our guest. Preferred pronouns, he, him, uh, post transition. One of my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedians in the world, also, uh, one of the stars, uh, we've mentioned many times, I need you to kill the, uh, comedy documentary directed by J. Elvis Weinstein that's available on Amazon Prime. Uh, multiple stand-up albums.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, multiple television appearances, a new special that was just shot that will be coming to you somewhere soon. You'll announce when you have all the information. It is the great Chad Daniels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. God, I feel like, not that it's by, definitely not the biggest part of divorce, but isn't one of the things that, when you remove the emotional stuff, you know, aside the logistics of scheduling, is that one of the things you're like, god damn it, that like you didn't plan on when you divorced, you're like, I gotta, I gotta set up Tuesday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna get that girl who's just like, hey bae, you have a good show? Yeah, I got a good show. She's like, I got a handbag, little bit of time. And I'm like, that's great. And she's, and then I'm like, anyways. And she's like, uh, blow job time. I'm like, yeah. And then, and then she's like, I'll go to, I'll go to the other room so you can sleep and watch your football game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I could be like, uhm, if I can go, I have just work for, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going on a football game trip with my friend. She's like, have fun, I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do you find- is there a second wife shop? I think they're just out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh nice here. It really is. I always say weather is underrated. When people are like, ah, yeah, the weather, like, no, no, no. Weather is life. It dictates everything. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not one that's ready to eat. What if, what if Chad's whole cynical shitty take on everything is just tied to living in first falls? It is! And that he moves down here and he'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want it to happen. I want it to happen. So we gotta keep you from getting second wife puss in another town so that you actually come to Southern California so we can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen that. I've also seen the not well hidden attempt to get laid with like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's why I don't ever, I never get to any sex. You know, and then you know that they're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they just open with, believe all women. You're like, oh come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then they're like, do you know that there's such thing as a chef's kitchen? And then you're like, what? And then your husband's just like, just build what you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you spend recklessly, like epically recklessly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like once every few months, he's like, I mean, 600 grand on the AMX, Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this episode, if you're listening, yea, you have time. If you're listening right now as it comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tomorrow, Wednesday night, he's gonna be in Irvine. At the Irvine Improv. Looking for love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I've never seen my dick as small as I've seen it in a doctor's office. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, I've looked down and been like, you gotta be kidding me. And this is just like for a physical, I'll feel like I gotta fluff this a little bit. Just for like my own self-esteem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so, I think I'm just like, what the fuck, I'm better than this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do we have a concave dick right now? What's going on? I mean, like retreats inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's because of the medical atmosphere and, you know, your little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, somebody's poking and pro yeah, you're nervous. It's cold. It's always fucking cold. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was there the time after and he was like, farts happen, everybody farts. Yeaah. But he's still talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, on the, so the consult is, he gives you, he's like, you're gonna die, and then he, he gives you a further exam, and then he's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so what's the day like when you go, is there prep? He's like, don't eat before. Like, how does it go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got long taint hair. When I'm in the shower sometimes I'll go down and I'll look and I'll just see like, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. But you would definitely be like, there goes my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's nothing in there that can get me pregnant. You have to do it like over and over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have any weird, um, porn's that you're into? Like are you into watching weird stuff? I don't and it's gotten to the point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like ball porn, but we had a, uh, we played a, we had Josh Potter come in, he brought in weird, like some of the weirdest stuff he could find, and then we put a call out there for other weird things, uhm, you know, just beyond the normal, the vanilla stuff, and we got this email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And more specifically porn with people who are missing limbs came up, and as a 20 year old man missing both legs, let me tell ya,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The people who fetishize missing limbs are very real. Someone with an amputee fetish is referred to as a devotee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there are different sides to this. Some people just want to have sex with an amputee. Some people get sexual pleasure from the desire to become an amputee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are certain instances where people have actually mutilated themselves to become an amputee so they can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Many people with missing limbs are very self-conscious, feel they may never find someone who will want to skeet their meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Knowing that devotees exist gives myself and other crippled


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two that we can get our dicks licked. Thank you for bringing up yet another important topic and for truly being the voice of the people and America's podcast. Piss on me, beat me and the face of fart, Nathan H.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's fantastic. Uhm, so I didn't know that there was that whole...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm always fascinated though that whatever your condition, whatever it is, there is somebody that's very turned on by that. You can be 600 pounds, you can be missing a limb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can be unable to walk and someone out there is like, God, I fucking love that shit. Such a turn on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean they really do. There's really something that turns everybody on. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hot weather. They're out there, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoever did that Photoshop gang member of the guys transitioning to women?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The buzzing, that's it. Trim it down. Absolutely. Yeah, that's it. You got a full head of hair, right? I do. Lucky guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my God, you so do. When we were in Asia together, every chick walked up to him and was like, you're hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very little. Yeah. There's another thing that's gonna happen when you move to that hot pussy climate. You know? You're gonna get different, different looks, man. It's gonna be exciting for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different look. Different Indian girls, Asian girls, fuckin' black, Latina, it's all gonna come to you. Oh yeah. You're gonna be knockin' chicks off your dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know if I have to, I do. Do you know where I met Chad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I met him on the flight at the airport right before the flight to Hong Kong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we met there. That's when you met each other? That's when we met. We'd heard about each other and talked. I think we tweeted each other, messaged each other before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember one of the first things I did on that flight was I went to take a shit. And I was in there probably 10, and I just met Chad. And as I walk out, you know, there's always a little bit of like, I wonder if anyone noticed I was in the bathroom for like 15 minutes. So I was on the flight. I just shut the door, head down and I look up and Chad's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, wait, you're asking about farting though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what happened was, uh, I'm running, and I go like, I rip a fart, and then my trainer's like, you know, probably 10 feet away, sitting on one of those boxes, you know, those box jump things, and he was like, he goes, was that the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. And then I go, man, that smells bad. I go, that smells really bad. And he's like, great. And it's a small, it's like a small gem. And then like 10 seconds later, I smelled this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, what the fuck is that? He's like, oh, I just sprayed down this whole gym with this, uh, natural. And then I realized that that whole time, 10 feet behind me was another guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just sitting down on another piece of equipment and I go, Oh, I didn't know


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's dangerous to hold it in at the gym for some reason. I always let it rip at the gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that, now if you go out on a date a few times, let's say, if you get comfortable, how long would it take you to fart in front of a lady? Or do you never do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody emailed in about this, uh, hey, Tom and Christine, I'm a woman in her thirties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I currently just met a guy, he's very fun, but very polite. He doesn't seem like the type of person I could fart in front of ever. Should I end it now? Should I just give up on dating? I'm not completely haggard, I'm a pretty normal looking girl, just with an excessive amount of gas. Sincerely, gassy, Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like our dog on your food and uh, see if that changes your stomach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do what? We're finding, we're missing the, the, the operative, the thing that she should be pursuing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's surprising. We discovered that a while ago and we got a whole bunch of messages from guys who are like, the whole idea of a pretty girl making a stinky smell turns me on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course it worked. Dude smelled horrendous and was the biggest guy in the gym. Like a big Samoan, you know, like 6'3", 3'30", had fucking pierced nose, crazy tattoos, he just stunk. And he would just proudly walk around like, yeah, I smell. I mean, it must have worked. It must have worked. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a guy who pretends to not understand what face farting means. So he's like, what is this? This Italian guy. And she's like, let me show you. He's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was amazing. No accent. That was very special. Yeah. That's what Caitlyn


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's have Chad weigh in. Sure, sure, sure. So I'm doing the, uh, psychopath test. Oh, great. Um, psychology test here and Christina's doing it too. Um, and I need to answer a few more questions on the air. Should we all put it down here? I'll give you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, here's the, uhm, here's question number six. Uh, by the way, the way that you, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number score this is uhm, a five is a very good match to the, to the statement. Okay. A four is a good, three is moderate, two slight and one nothing. So think of it as one means I absolutely do not agree with the statement for yourself. Yeah. Or is that how you're doing it? Right? Yeah. Okay. So the next question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always like to give explicit instructions. I'm sorry. Uhm, I find that I'm able to pursue one goal for a long time. Okay? Let's see here. I'm answering that. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna definition on goodies? Yeah, exactly. It's road beef. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, next one is, I don't plan anything very far in advance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, next one's interesting. Making a lot of money is my most important goal. That's a five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let's see, we don't want to bore people with just reading these questions, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know we are. Yeah, very shortly. I quickly lose interest in tasks I start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I let others worry about higher values. My main concern is with the bottom line. Geez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I find that I'm able to pursue one goal for a long time. That's a strong match for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, my main purpose in life is to get as many goodies as I can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh I misinterpreted that. What? Hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I feel like I do plan things very far in advance. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, how about this one? This is very revealing. Making a lot of money is my most important goal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Uhm, I quickly lose interest in tasks I start. Where do you go for that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I should be more on, I think I, now that I hear this, and like talk about it, I put a one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think it's fair to give myself a couple points higher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm not saying in, I don't think it's a complete five and I don't think it's a one. I think it probably should be a two or three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, because there's things that I'm very much able to pursue as a task. And, and then there are some things that I like hearing him say, I'm like, yeah, I've done that where I've bought the thing to do the thing. And then I'm just like, I haven't listened to a full sentence this entire time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very calm. Yeah? Oh, you know we learned about our heart rate then? That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was watching this uh, crime documentary thing on Netflix, and uh, they said that one, it's not confirmed, but it's like proposed idea that's an indicator for sociopaths.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that many of them have a low resting heart rate and the theory is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They need excitement to just feel alive. To feel normal. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that they do things that are high risk and, you know, crazy things basically to just elevate that heart rate that's always...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so that the hillside is like, it's basically picture wet brick, you know, it's like, and he gets a trash can lid off, jumps on it and slides down like, like head first, arms like an angel. And we just like see him going, and then we just see cars rounding a turn coming around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One guy, the nice guy, the nice tech at the, at Cedars when they were examining my heart was like, man, it's really low. He was like, uh, do you work out? And I go, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like the nurse came in, who was no-nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, looks at the thing. She's like, wow, it's really low. He goes, the guy goes, he works out though. And she looks at me and she's like, no, no, no. Like not like that. He doesn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is something else, yeaah. Uhm, anyways, yeaah, so maybe that's, is that the root of it, you know? Well, that could be. Wanna see a total fucking pig? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the airport, somebody sent this in. This is from the actual listener. Says, I'm currently waiting for my flight home and witnessed something absolutely disgusting in a, in the middle of a crowded terminal. This is low and loose behavior and has absolutely floored me in a terminal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes on to say, she says, this guy took his shoes and socks off, started picking at the skin between his toes and peeling his blisters right here in the terminal. I mean, that is savagery. That is absolute insanity to witness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. So she was really, yeah. Did she come tell you when she discovered it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come back soon. Oh my god. That's fine. Uhm, let's see if this motivates Chad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To maybe, I don't know, open his mind, open his heart, change the way he sees things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that, um, she busts this out when, uh, like what do you think when Will's like, hey, uh, my new movie I just shot, you know, is, uh, it's coming out next month. I'm pretty excited about it. She's like, check out what I just shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That's horseshit, all of it. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. You think that like, a lot of this is just, uhm, it's just directed at, you know, one person, and everything is, like it's meant to be like, this is public consumption, I'm just putting it out there, but it's, I'm really just trying to tell you something. I think so. That's kind of my favorite stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I've been picked on a lot on this show. I don't believe that. I have been. For what I laugh at. People think it's really wrong. Sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a submission. Do you think this is funny? It's good now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For people listening, there's just a guy who's, uh, fishing. Great forearms. Great forearms. Veining. Probably just has those natural, strong forearms. You know, just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He lives- He's an outdoorsman. Yeah. Lean, lean build. Uhm, so he's, uh, getting his, what do you call that? His, uh, what's his name? Tackle? Bait? Is that it? Yeah. Lure? His lure. Lure? Ready. He's, you know, he's sitting there alone on a boat, uhm, fishing. And then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He actually wrote in, we rarely get the person who made the video send in the video. It's usually somebody else sending it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess what though? We've played this so many times, so we've really gotten it out there. It happened in Taiwan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turns out, some people were like, that guy's definitely his legs are removed. He was fine. He was actually, yeah, this was in the news there. Guy turned out to be totally fine. He was bruised, but it definitely looked worse. Yeah, it looked like he was fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've been so funny today. You have been. Uh, if you have not, you've been convinced to see him live. Uh, we highly recommend it, but we also think you might be convinced by the web stuff he's been doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I thought that was for like wind power. Oh no, I, uh, just letting people know where you stand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a little screen, I can't even think of words, uhm, an announcement at the top of the show of his videos that say I'm hosting this channel as an extremely controversial speaker. That's what the, that's what it says before these videos play. And as a citizen in the US, I uphold the freedom of speech that our constitution provides.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's a, right, there's a, there's a, so much here that I'm just gonna jump through a few. Yea, let's go, I'd like to see it. I just wanna see what he's, what he's up to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might be talking about me. Yeah. What gym does he go to? I knew I liked this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anybody. You haven't? Blowin' farts? No, I haven't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think the justification is? Like if somebody goes, what's up with the swastika? Do you think he has, he probably has something like that to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's one of those guys who does the, uh, it's like the, uh, you know, the old white guy who goes, how come I can't say the N word? They say it all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't need the explanation. This is just like kind of a theatrical thing you're doing. And it's the same guy who would be like, have a swastika. And you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, so overlook the people that kind of misuse it. Exactly. Since then, they've used it for other things. Have you heard about the stuff I got famous for? Just to be clear, I'm using it for something else. So be, be free to interpret it as you choose. Anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I recently moved in with my grandmother. Here's an email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a great dilemma. I get up every morning, get ready for work, and like any reasonable human being, I take a pre-work poop. 8.15am is my time, just like the great top dog. And I have found myself in a great deal of trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've heard of pissing on the seats, I presume. Well, how about shitting on the seat? Yes, you read that right. My grandmother shits on the seat every morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what to do. Is this a power play by her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is begging you to leave. She's just like, I was being nice when I said you could come live with me, you piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe a bad back, legs, you don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that, and imagine you finding that shit every morning, like every morning that you're like, God damn it, there's shit all over the seat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If that isn't motivation to get your own place, I don't know what is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that long ago. Is she still with us? She's not. Spaghetti.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You close to her? Yea, I live, uh, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two miles away. Are you serious? That's kind of nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad's retiring December 3rd and we've talked about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot. I'm worried. I'm serious. He's been involved with stuff his whole life and he's like, next chapter. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm like, fuck, stop saying that. I don't know what he's going to do. And I'm like, well, you golf. He's like, yeah, I'm not interested anymore. Like you'd fucking lost interest in golf. That's what you're supposed to do now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't seem like the guy with the patience for fishing. Yeah, I'll get into it. Then he goes fishing with like, uh, my nephew. Next day. He's like, it was terrible. It's three hours after he's like three hours. Isn't even that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want him to get involved in something. Like? I don't know, anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I may be, I might have to get him more involved in the podcast. Maybe like we talked about having him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were talking about him, cause he loves to go to the movies. He told me the other day, he's like, you know what's a great movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some movie that's out and I go, okay. And he's like, you can always tell it's a good movie because your mother and I both liked it. I go, yeah, that's my criteria too. Like as long as you two both like it, then I know it's a good movie. He's convinced that other people will always line up with his perspective on movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the, he walks out of whatever the number one movie is like every other month. He's like, I went and saw this thing. It was terrible. Like I think that's the number one movie in the world right now. He's like, yeah, it's not good. Okay. And he's just out of there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, I think my dad is too. I just wish he had like the, uh, the other exciting interest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Loves it. Loves it that they don't know. It's like so old school, but he really is thrilled that a girl doesn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's very much into that. I don't know, would that be a fun segment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the movie thing would be fun. I've always wanted my mom to review, uh, hip hop albums. I thought that would be fun. Have her listen and have her say, Tommy, this is disgusting. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever like the number one song is on the charts. Yeah. Could be fun. And it probably sounds like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So those two are going to be locked in a home together for the next however long they live. Jesus man. I think it's going to be crazy. I really do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. How do you, how do you, you know, beat that? Like how do you overcome that, like in real life? Like what's, what's the process like when you go, oh, everyone thinks I'm somebody like- I went through this phase of killing animals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. I go every week still. Okay. Four?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just the therapist. I mean, for what? Let's talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just any, whatever's on my mind. I don't know, I didn't have like a big jump off thing. I just feel much better. It's an oil change, right? Yeah. Yeah, it feels like a de-scrambling of your mind. It's the way I feel like it. Like you go in there like, I'm all fucking fixated on this thing. And then sometimes like the person can just say two sentences to you and you're like, yeah, I should just chill the fuck out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm a big, big fan of it. I really encourage people to go as often as possible. I'm trying to tell you to make more appointments. To keep going? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, okay, uh, Chadithy, thank you for stopping by. Thank you for having me. We had a lot of fun with you. People can see you, if you're listening the moment this comes out, don't forget that Wednesday night you can see Chad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the Irvine Improv, the rest of the weekend in Tempe at the Improv there. And any other big dates coming up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try It Out by Freddie and the Cat. Closing song. Thank you guys for listening. We'll see you next week! Black guys love to fuck and fuck good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wanna be horny for two or three hours like you've never been in your life and you have access to marijuana too. Good weed. Listen to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True weed alone can get you really hornier than normal, but Benadryl, take about 10, 12 Benadryl before you want to have your sexual fun with your partner or whatever you do or masturbate, alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, about an hour later when you feel it just kickin' in, smoke your weed down. And then, go ahead and get horny. And I promise you it'll be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nooo. Wow. Yep. Well, what that is, is he wants to feel what it's like to come as a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, Christine's 40. I think it said 40. Yeah, 40. So her wife stuck it out, was a real G.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think women, I think women in general, uh, assumably try harder. If that's the other way around, dudes are like, late, later. I think you're right. Within seconds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a guy last night with a really good looking chick at Rite Aid trying ice cream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how they have the right of the ice cream? He's trying all the ice cream. Massive, massive popularity. Skinny little tiny girl right next to him. He's just like, uh, now give me a rocky road. You know, he's like trying all of them. And I was like, how does this, how does she get trapped?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no way. Cause she's your wife. She's my wife, yeaah. She wouldn't turn me in. She would, she would have, she would first, cause it's me, she'd go, well you're fucking around. And I'd go, no, dead serious. I'd show her the body. And then she'd go, well you've got a plan, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, see, if, if, no, no, no, if I'm that kind of, listen, wait, if I'm that kind of unstable guy that kills someone over nothing,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and you're like, sit in this room for a while, I'll be back. Just give her some snacks or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buy her, uh, not an iPhone, but like the iPod that looks like the iPhone, but just tell her it's an iPhone, you know? She's like, it doesn't, I don't know, kick it off. You're like, yeah, we'll get, the service will get connected soon. Don't worry about it. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Well yea, but it's okay if it's from, if it's a white girl that calls me poppy, that's just, what are we doing? What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even at the time, if it doesn't make sense now, it made sense then, you gotta support it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. I've been lying to myself for so long. I knew I was meant to be a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad all these people are switching, by the way. All these people that have wanted to switch for so long and now that society is like, do it. I'm like, go for it, man. Whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also, my legs are kind of skinny enough where I can thin them out. I can thin them out and do hot chick legs, you know? Here's the thing, by the way, all these guys, especially big guys,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do. Really? Yeaah. I do, I, I've changed working out what I work out. Now I just try to, I used to just be like, run, lift weights, run, lift weights. Now I just do different things to, cause I just, it's so monotonous. Yeaah, it's so boring. The gym is so boring. And the people there are so boring. That's true. It's just the whole idea of it is just kinda gross, it grosses me out sometimes. When you see people like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's pretty parallel. It actually bothers me when someone I know comments on the gym photo in a positive reinforcement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because if you spend all this time working this, and not your brain, I'm not making fun of you, but you're gonna get depressed. Like you're naturally, if all you focused on was one thing all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't do shit, I feel fantastic. I don't know who said that, I think Norm MacDonald was talking about that on something when he was like, sometimes my day is so consumed with getting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think there's two kinds of people though that like, some people, like when they get accolades, they have to tell you. And some people are embarrassed of telling you. Do you know what I mean? Some people are so scared to let you know that sometimes when you find out something about a friend and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know you did that, and they're like, oh yeaah, and they're kind of embarrassed about it, but then I have so many of the other friends. I have someone that will call me, I wish I could say his fucking name, he will call me and tell me a great thing that he's just acquired or achieved or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the irony is? The people that are like grinding the hardest. Like imagine The Rock being like, on the grind, just had my personal chef cook my personal breakfast and my personal gym with it. Right. Meanwhile a dude is like, I'm on the grind, I'm on my fourth job today. Yeah. I'm tired, I have six kids, I make forty grand a year. And The Rock's like, I can't tell you how much I respect him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's for sure. But those people won't brag, because they're the false narrative of cool guys, uh, do what The Rock does, then they feel like, I gotta get up to that, to do the, I watch an insane document, um, Viceland put out a piece about these people in Miami who rent exotic cars. Yes, I started watching it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started doing research because I was like, there's no way they have enough capital to buy 15 Lambos, right? And so there, I found a few other articles, you can look it up, about people that get these, uhm, these subsidies from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's a million little sneaky holes. Like there's one on Sunset, uhm, there's one like right on Sunset next to a bar, and one time I talked to the guy, cause there was like three cars in the showroom, I was like, how many do you have? He's like, as many as we need, and I was like, nah. That means you don't have shit, but you're able to find them somehow? Yeah. I think they go find real owners or find


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's all rentals. People from out of town. Although I was, I met this guy who was a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know these guys in LA that don't do real jobs that you're like, but they get paid good money and you're like, well how did you get there? He's a liaison to this rich family from Dubai and he basically is their everything. Go get it, go do it. You know what I mean? Like the ultimate gopher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does literally everything for them, and he's like, oh yea, they constantly rent cars. They won't just buy a car. He's like, so they'll rent a Bentley for like two months, and then give it back, and then they'll rent, you know, a Ferrari for a month, and then give it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, would that, they just don't feel like buying. He's like, no, they just don't want to have anything acquired. They just want to like get it, give it back. Like everything is a lease. Everything is to rent. So there's people like that, that I think come to LA that spend absurd amounts of money on shit like that. And those companies must make a ton, a ton off them, but they don't care because they're, there's so much. They're like, nah, I just want to give it back. My cousin came here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hijab? Is it? Yes, and I buy a hijab. Hijab. That sounds really nice, but you say it with that face, I don't know if it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was, I watched, I watched one of these YouTube wormholes where people go- Don't talk shit about them. Don't. No. Don't. Don't talk shit. Don't talk shit.