[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uh, that's how we forged, that's how we forged. I mean, we talked about this last week where I did a fucking roundhouse on somebody and then my mom was like, do you have a ride home Darnell? And he was like, no, he's like, oh, we'll take you home. And I was like, I just fought this dude like seven minutes ago, mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, sorry about it. There's no, it's, the mystique is gone. When you're not in control of your life as a kid, and your parents are like, we're going this way, that way, with whoever, like, you can't. You can't be cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What'd you say? Now, now the kids are just like, they're saying all the stuff that people our age say, like literally, they just say literally constantly. Oh, suss. Right, yeah, yeah, they're just saying suss a lot. Yeah, that's suss, yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, my eight year old drops sick a lot and I'm like, alright, could be worse. That's kinda sick. He's like, dad, is this, is this encyclopedia sick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Knowledge? Sick? Yea, get your read on. Would you consider knowledge sick? I mean, and he's a kid from California, which is just so weird for me now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, 14, you're definitely ahead of the curve, but 12, and then you're 10 or 9 and you're hearing about this, you're like, I guess I gotta start doing some sit-ups or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what kind of sex are they having at 14? Is it like full on like positions? Or is it just like, missionary, we did it, cool, thanks for guarding the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, but uh. You're pretty deep into ultra beast. But specifically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Middle school was like a desperate search to just see a nipple, right? It was like, I just gotta get there. I gotta like, uh, uh, get to second base. That just has to happen or else I can't graduate. You can't walk. It was a first base for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird you didn't try that. You could have tried it. I guess you could have tried it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, kind of knowing how things work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, were you like batting them away? Like, were they, can I wheel you? Can I wheel you? You said I could wheel you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, hey before we get out of here, just pull that parking brake real quick. Real quick. Now you gotta pull it real hard. Where's the button on the end?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else? What else is in a car? Can you adjust the rear view mirror? I do like the idea of the steering wheel itself being just a lasso of your penis from shotgun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not a football guy, but I like watching, uh, I just want playoffs. I want playoffs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was like the greatest spectacle in athletic history. Every game was unfucking believable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it was a fucking crazy midnight phone call move that they made a couple weeks ago where they were just like, we're in it now! Cause like, people are consolidating, people are moving around right now, and now Big Ten is in several different time zones, which is just a money grab basically. It sucks, but it is what it is, and I think it's tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, but they were doing that anyway, because like, there's tournaments in Hawaii, especially for basketball when the season's super long in hockey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, but what sucks about it is that there used to be a bunch of conferences, right? So there would be several schools.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about now, name im- image and likeness. If you're a kid and you wanna go to a school, you gotta be off the Richter scale, or you're not even gonna be playing against any of these teams if you get on with these teams. So like, all these, think about like, uh, like in Iowa State? Like, I don't know where they are now. The Big 12 is fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Like wait, are Oklahoma and Tec- I don't know, but are- Texas left the Big 12. Did Oklahoma also leave the Big 12? Cause that was like the huge rivalry, but I don't even know if they're in the same conference anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And think about it, if you're a smaller school, now you can't even play good enough schools to be like, yes, we're a national contender. And then at a certain point, it's just going to be one mega conference of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 36 teams, and they're gonna be like, we're the cream of the crop, this is the national championship, if you're not in here, fuck off, nobody cares, cause you're not that good anyway. And then no one's gonna care about the other smaller schools.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or are you gonna go to fucking, uh, Nebraska and like get on TV? DeVry? DeVry, that's another college. Are we naming colleges now? Let's try to name colleges. Uhm, Wisconsin, go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we do the name, like, sorry, A and then the B and then the C? I don't know. Albuquerque?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's, what's cool is everyone listening is like, dude, I had fucking G, I had G in the chamber. I was ready to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are we on the eyes now? I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, every- again, everyone at home right now, they're like, my school has a J! Jun- Juno. Junior college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, there's no denying that the wilderness in Alaska is, uh, bar none. It's off the chain. There's like the Grizzly Man? Come on. Perfect movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's great, but Anchorage is off the hook, please give me like a couple Anchorage, like, is the food off the chain?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool vibe. So wait, and then we booked that? Hey, Moose Tooth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go off! I'm filming this new show, I'm not gonna say what it is yet, cause I don't know if I can, but, uh, I'm in Canada, and they're like, hey, okay, so you guys are gonna come up this trail through the woods, so, uh, go back, keep going, further, further, and then you're gonna come this way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep going! Go! And we get to like the end of this trail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shitting my pants. And he's like, Get outta here now, bear! And the bear kinda like lazily pieces out. And then of course- And it's this person that you're with, like a fam- a famous- Goodbye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he knew how to handle a bear. He was, he's lived there. He's lived there for years. So he like knew the whole routine and then like the big buff. And the routine is to say, get out of here bear. That's the routine. You get big and you shout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's for cats. You're supposed to be big, you can back away, but you're supposed to be big, shout, and I think that you're supposed to say the word bear because it's got like a buh, like a, like a up the lump kind of like. So you could just be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it just like looked like a bear. Uhm, but it's fucking, it was, it was crazy. And then like, of course the, the, the cock diesel like crew dudes came over and were like, get the fuck out of here. Like they were ready to fight it. I'm like, oh my God, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there anymore bug spray? What kind of bear are we talking? It was a black bear, but it was not small. It was legit. I got a video. I'll try and post it. I'll try and get it. That's crazy, dude. You survived a bear attack?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking crazy. I went, uh, last week for six hours, uh, and did like a fitting and stuff. Welcome to Hollywood. Uh, and then last, I was just there for three days and now I go back for a week. And then I come back for a week and finish that Muppets show here. And then I go back there. It's a lot of, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's my bear story. Uh, I was gonna save it for a talk show, but, you know. You could reuse it. You could totally reuse it. I was joking with the guy who did truly scare the bear away that I was gonna say I did it. So. Uh-uh. We're gonna lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, do you guys have any take backs about the episode I wasn't in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they need to collab with Taco Bell. I mean, Crunchwrap Supreme with our faces on it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still pretty dope. The shit they make is still pretty hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if it's your cup of tea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did send me some Supreme Speedo goggles and cap, and I was like, that's fuckin' tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I want leather goods. And I want to get this right. I want leather goods on instagram.kizzle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stick with it, stick with it, you know, just stick with it. You trust these guys, you trust their taste, stick with it. It's gonna pan out. It's gonna be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Enough about them, you know. What about, uh, hahaha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like on the furthest east, like two days ago they were on the furthest east, eastern point of North America. Like my mom was fucking hyped on being one of the first people to watch the sunrise in North America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are, what are they called? Oh man, you're gonna make me bust a province. Province.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yup, yup, they bought an RV and now they tow a jeep gladiator behind it cause my dad's gotten deep into like four wheeling and stuff. Oh my god, Becky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a fallen tree, it's just the tree was felled, right? It's like, that's what happened, I think. I thought felled was- Probably sound like an absolute idiot right now, but this is my understanding of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's when you say, like, I have to fell this tree. Maybe a tree is not fellin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like Austin, I feel like Austin says fell. I feel like your buddy Austin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I forgot. I gotta, I gotta pick that up. I think it's like new, uhm, Prince Edward Island or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes total sense to me. Food should smack and music slaps. Yes, thank you. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Double down, triple down, quadra down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I went up to Vancouver, just, uh, I went to Bandita's. Do you remember that place? It was like a vegetarian burrito place. Oh, yeah, dude. And I was like, oh dude, was this just good when I went up there? And then I had it this last week and it's fucking good, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am doing that, yes, and I'm conversing with two of my friends. I know, I know. Which I believe is the job, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you don't even go enjoy the game because you're afraid that you might make them lose? What is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, let's crack into that skull. This is- I'll lean forward to that. What's going on in your brain?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not saying this is unique, I actually think that this is like, this is very universal. I feel like there's a lot of people that have this feeling with sports.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam, so okay, let me ask this question though. Adam, did you, do you ever like not go to the games and have like, fuck, if I would have gone, they would have won. Do you have that type of thought process?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh. Okay. So it's not, it wasn't a lot of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because somebody said you're a jinx. Fuck that. Them saying that as a jinx. Flip that shit back on them. You say that, that jinxes them. Dude, double jinx them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not something that you deserve. You do not deserve to hold that burden of an entire sports team on your shoulders because somebody said you're a jinx. I don't want that for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause if you do announce it, then you get a whole bunch of flack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it? There was multiple last episodes or last seasons of shows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you? Were you on the last season? This is incredible. This is incredible. You were on the last season of what? Sorry, I wasn't shutting the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But is that where you got in, you came to set and you're like, dude, I got into a fight last night, or I almost got into a fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I remember this because I remember clocking it as like, well, I was getting good sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It must have been a weekend. I won't, I won't, yeah, I bet it was a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I would love to. Yeah, well that's the plan. I'm up there scouting right now, but you know, these things are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, pretty close, dude, I guess, like, you know, pretty close to going. I hope that it happens. I have to, you know, I need to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I hate to, you know, we got, on shadows, we got a, yeah, on shadows, we got a 5 and 6.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it's gonna be great. It's gonna be great. God, I'm excited!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good part. I like the part where everybody falls asleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe that, but this is the worst part, is that they put that next to like, the limp biscuit t-shirt. The worst part?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it is like BART. BART's elevated as well. So why do they call it the BART? Because it's the Bay Area Rapid Transit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We would just go to like, we would go to like, there'd be stores that like the older kids would tell you about and you'd just go down into the city and fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There we go. Okay, so that was your hot topic. Off Belmont? Yeah, but it was like a legit record store probably or something like that. Uh, head shop record store, like all the above, yeah. And you would just go in there and like steal hacky sacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool, that's cool. Oh, that was way cool. I definitely feel like I missed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we just didn't have one. I mean, there was one another town over, but you would go there to go see movies and that was kind of it. Or like to go shopping with your mom, cause that was like the department store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is fucking insane to think about. I remember getting taken on my first Starbucks date by a junior when I was a freshman. She was like, let's go get a frappuccino. And I was like, yeah, for sure. I don't know what that means.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I haven't seen her for a while, but like, um, she was- She was stashed. She was, uh, yea, I can't read him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You? Like, no, no, no, not lot. It was just, it was kind of more like, what the fuck is, huh? You? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There were two things that put me around upperclassmen. The first was as a freshman I was in the like the all school comedy show and there's only like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like three or four freshmen and then that's it. There's way more sophomores, juniors and seniors, right? Uhm, so you're kicking it with seniors and juniors going to their parties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then as far as like swimming, I was also like one of the fastest guys. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putting up a piece of graffiti and we would just watch and people would be like doing skateboard tricks that they couldn't land. That's the best kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A disposal or something, like yea, you, you just throw away the thing into here, you tie it up, and then someone was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I believe Sony made Betamax and they had the patent on it. So you could, it was either like Sony or Sanyo and those were the only companies that made it. Whereas VHS was like an open platform for everybody else. Yeah. Magnavox, uh, who else? RCA, RCA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For old TVs, there was a bulb in there, correct? So like, if the bulb was all fucked up, you had to like, open it up and replace that. And then VHS, sometimes the tape would get caught, so you'd have to take it somewhere to get it out. Yup. Or you'd have to clean the heads. Remember that shit? Right. Did you guys have the little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature. Today we talk about... I feel so mad, I feel so angry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four collective streams of consciousness unite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a second, so is a bar one line or two lines? It's gotta be a rhyme, right? Why else would you, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. A stanza's like musical theory, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A rhyming couplet? Oh! It has to be a couplet, a rhyming couplet, in iambic pentameter terms. The capulets. Shakespearean actor Blake Anderson, break it down for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a bagel. What game was it? What game was it where we went out to go get some burgers? We got the impossible burger and you were...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bitchonomics. When we watched it at the thing, I think the game was like fucking three seconds in and this dude was flipping. He's like, Oh God. Did you say when we watched it at the thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're lucky. That's the one with the hoops and the balls, huh? But, but I will say, like, it was, it was palpable. Like, I was frustrated because I was having trouble, like, looking you in the eyes and shit and just, like, having, like, uh, a regular conversation. But the energy was, like, like a cokehead at a party. And I like that energy. Like, I, I like cocaine, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something very jittery. Get addicted to sports.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Currently aren't. I like jousting. Yeah, pickleball. Nude pickleball, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. I don't trust me. So does everyone. I mean, it's one of those things. It's just one of those, yeah, it's one of those tip-taps, see if it can work kind of things, but I think the boom is already popping, dude. I think it's a little late actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam, if the movie's ready to shoot, put it in your schedule. You might as well ride that wave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect. You said you could see it. You said you could see it maybe on ESPN. That's what you said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, hey, well we'll check the tape. I was so 2000 and early.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the fuckin' sickest shit, dude. It's so fun. The one-wheel rocks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you? You're just hating on it because you just said you don't want to be this guy. What is going on? I'm just giving information. He's my son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it goes Durz's parents, then, then my parents, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't put their ages on blast, don't put their ages on-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I know that there's a learning curve in this game and I know I have you for a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's very small. It's much smaller than a basketball court, so you can reach around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I won't stop. I won't take time. I won't take time between points. You don't take time between points. You don't. Then I won't. Then I will. No, you fucking hit it. You play big time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody's fucking with us, bro. Because we're huge. We're huge. Yea, but Blake and I have the power, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, Adam, and I don't want to get you two ahead of the game, but like- Guys, I'm in! I'm sold! Adam, before you get in a movie, you can buy teams. Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you can buy a pickleball, too, like sponsoring a, sponsoring a NASCAR. You can get in on the ground floor of like that and I'd be happy to be on that team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's age brackets. Okay. So you can be pro at 50. You could be pro at 60. You could be pro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like when you can unbutton, it's a little, if you're wearing a button up and then you throw the fucking button up, you know, you take the two of them down, then you got a chain exposed right there. Like that's what I was feeling the other day. You want those Cuban links though, bruh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has a, he has a band now. He plays, he has a band that he plays like country music with. He's doing like country, dude. Smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I was there. I was there. But we also saw Dashboard, and that was the first time I saw Grown Man cry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you guys were too tough. And I started it, and I wanted it, but I always thought I had to make it a joke because of the older kids judgment. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, any take backs or apologies or super wows? They are a good band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't be like, what you can't do? Cause then everyone's like, well, how do you know what that is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is, this is an interesting thing, because it's like, this dude just scored with his teacher, but in the eyes of the law, and he was like, yea, she raped me like, I guess 20 times under the bleachers, and here, she raped me there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The original disruptor, like Pink Flamingo is insane. You watch it and you're like, this is wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well hang on, hang on, cuz I think you're- The way your description is confusing, you're saying your mom liked the Girl's Gone Wild song. She didn't know it was that song, she picked that ringtone. We know, you come from a long line of stats, we established that a couple weeks ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And it was mostly like titties. He became a billionaire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ever since Homeboy made that song and then crashed the jet ski? It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bill Gates had 85 billion in like 2003. So like, people have been billionaires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like what happened with girls gone wild when girl Joe Francis was at the height of DVD explosion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get it. He's a scuzzard, as I said and made up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could get a read. Do you think you could be doing it in 24 hours?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, kind of a segway. Did you guys ever see that documentary? Let's talk about segways. Tickled? What? Yes. Did you guys ever see the documentary Tickled?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that like a fetish thing? Nah, kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's unbelievable. It's basically interviewing these guys who replied to a Craigslist posting years ago where it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was real. We're posting that now. Uhm, and so they were like, yeah, okay, fuck it. And then they had to fill out like payment information and they had all this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so then the guy behind the production that they, who they never met started like extorting them. He'd be like, let's do more. And then they would do like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nude, tickling, and then they would be like, we have your social security number, we know your last job, if you don't do another video, we're gonna tell everybody at Applebee's that you are doing naked tickling videos. And they were like, emailing stuff, and like, dude, it gets crazy. It's an amazing documentary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they find out who it was and it's just some kind of rich guy who's got enough money to buy some dudes like trucks to have them like work for him. Like here's a new pickup truck. Now go scout for boys. And like he watches these videos. It's a whole power thing. It's awesome. I feel like your documentary because it feels


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you guys are shitting on by the way, you stuck around and we did the live sketch stuff after those movies, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but all those things can't happen exactly the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stylistic choice. The only thing that bothered me was the mouth. When it like, his mouth closes shut or whatever, it like sooms together. Yeah, that's right. Why does that happen? Because in his mind, they did that. Whereas if he knew it was a matrix, he'd be like, fuck you, this is not real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, by the way, would freak me out. If somebody went like this and then my mouth turned gone, I'd be like, okay, I gotta go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we're doing that as like an insurance policy. I just did that for my fucking comedy about my father, De Niro comedy, down in Mobile. Which I'm like, I play a game of tennis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Kyle, it's two of this time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this brings up a good point, because what you're able to do with a period piece is use hindsight, right? Like, uh, I love the Stand By Me soundtrack, they had the hindsight to go, these are the real fucking hits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, Matrix, it was of that time. Sure. Absolutely. But they didn't have the wherewithal to go, this is going to be good later, but guess what did? The Crow soundtrack is so much better. Fuck off. The Crow soundtrack is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, I'm just saying. What's red disc or blue disc? Is that how they split it up? There was a red disc and a blue disc, and it was like, I believe it was chronological where the red disc was earlier songs and the blue disc was later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, but you put on the soundtrack and you're like, well, that's a good song. Oh, that's a great song. Oh, this song's off the chain. The harder they come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, if I'm wrong about the billion dollars, uhm, for Joe Francis, uhm, I don't care. Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okey dokey. I feel like I read somewhere back in the day that he was the first, like the fastest self-made billionaire. Like it was, that was the whole thing. Um, then again, I get my news on Pornhub. Cool running news. You get it only on Pornhub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're very helpful. The ones that are like, man, he really did that well. But the ones where it's like, her name is so-and-so, you're like, dude, thank you. It's like a Yelp review. You're like, thank you, cool. I know the top one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me hang on, Rob Zombie, Devil's Rejects soundtrack, off the chain. But here's my question Blake, and I'm with Adam as far as this goes, unless you can name me one song off the Matrix soundtrack. I don't know titles but I just told you everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, I wouldn't say it's every episode, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember? Simon Rex just, uh, tweeted that, uh, let's go is, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel your let's-go's are more prevalent than your... Blake rides them waves though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, well, what it is, is uh, I love it, love it. Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's dumb people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's just people that don't have anything else to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a knee jerk, but it's a, it's a, it's a new age, uh, booyah. Like, I'm more of a booyah guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was just, she's doing a thing, it was like a sponsored thing for her, like, YouTube channel or whatever, and I, and I just went and played golf with her. And it was, it was, uh, really- Paid friends. Uh, paid friends, but, uh- How many holes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No, it was at the course and then she, cars. We didn't play any holes. It was like an hour of her like teaching me how to swing and we were on the golf course and uh, and just, just crushing some, some balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It turns out I have a pretty decent swing, but it, uh, it was the more she, like, she's like, let me just see what you do. And I did, I hit like three balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How quick was your shirt off? They were pretty good. Uh, the shirt stayed on. Cause I was also wearing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I admittedly I was disappointed in myself, uh, but then the more I was taught, the, the, the worse I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There we go. I didn't even give you a gift, Urs. I'm sorry. I should, I should give you a gift. What do you want? What do you want? Yea, but what do you want, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, me and McBride were like, there has to be one of these in Charleston because we went and shot in Myrtle Beach and we all went to a Topgolf place and just had a fucking blast as one does as the best. Danny was like, dude, we should get a Topgolf place in Charleston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we get like 5 or 10 of us to invest it won't be that much I don't think. And then we looked into the actual like nuts and bolts of getting it started. It's 80 acres that you have to own. Holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what the franchise asks you to buy or have in order to start a Top 12.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you met your wife, was during a cosmic bowling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's the same exact thing as Topgolf, because you know like, real golfers? Don't fuck with Topgolf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I think it's safe to say that Kyle is in the minority here that Cosmic Bowling


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you go like, it sucks, it sucks, and then he starts to believe that it sucks. When this guy is cosmic bowling personified. Look at this fucking guy. You would think that about me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blake, there's a 100% chance that I would beat you in bowling. Absolutely not. I doubt it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, there was a summer- Or shoes, or shoes. Uh, yes, I stole several pairs that then were my shoes. Uh, but- Oh, that's icky. Frowned upon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I got, I got good. I did get good. I haven't been in a long time, so I don't know how often your bones and maybe your skills are a little sharper than mine. But I do think, I think I remember Kyle being good. I remember Kyle being good. I don't remember you having any discernible talent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I don't remember that. I remember Kyle being good, I don't remember Blake being good at both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't gone for years. I bet now I would roll with like a 30 pound ball, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so on the last podcast, we talked about how easy it would be to get meth at, uh, uh, truck stop. How easy would it be to get mushrooms at a cosmic bolt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I, uh, it's not the same, I guess it's not the same. I went to, I feel to me, roller rinks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, at ours at Omaha, Nebraska, there was, we had Skateland, and then they had like this crazy huge Playdazium, right? Yea mama. Now what is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With like, uh, you know, like, at McDonald's where they have the ball pit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you go like, hey, uh, I got this sweet backseat of my car, or it was just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For my bachelor party, we went to Lake of the Ozarks and they had these big pool bars that we just all went in. The fact that we didn't get COVID. Don't get COVID! Yes, mommy! That was wild. Insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was incredible. I'm so proud of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll still get ended. Uh, but that's how you get a staph infection. I thought I have a staph infection. I think I was a bit by, I was attacked by a spider, uh, in my sleep or something. My foot is like swollen up and you see like a mark. Dude, it's COVID toes. I don't think it's COVID toes, Blake. What's COVID toes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Correct. HBO and HBO Max, yes. Love that app. I think, I do think it is the best, yea. I watch a lot of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go! Yeah, it's worth some, it's worth some chucks. It's got some chucks in it, brother. It's got some chucks, it's got a few gigs. Chucks and gigs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His main, his main place is, uh, is in New Orleans and when I was shooting When We First Met.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was, uh, was outside, and so I was like, oh man, I want to go see him. But that's before I knew him. And, uh, he had, we had not signed on for Wright's Gemstones. Or he knew you. Yes, exactly. And, uh, he goes, oh, what are you guys shooting here? And, uh, they told him, and then they were, he's like, oh, who's this star? And he goes, Adam Devine. And he goes, huh, never heard of him. And then walked away. And who had to tell you that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy to me that they, that they, it took that long to just have someone be like, what if we cut it and then put it in the bag?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, wait, wait, hold on. What if, what if- Cosmic bowling. Crypto bowling. Bowling in the metaverse, but cosmically. What if you just walk that back? Yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're buying bread just to cut it? I can see Kyle being the type of guy that went through his baking his own bread phase. Did you ever go through a baking of your own bread phase?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even know French, guys, I didn't even know French toast was a thing that is, that you can just make at home. What the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a thing, French- Like a Denny's thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you gotta own a griddle. So this is like rich people shit. No wonder why my family never made it, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goddamn. This sounds so difficult. Are there any take backs, apologies, giveaways, epic slams?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on. I mean waffles. Waffles. Now we're just, now we're, that's an entire other podcasters. Yeaah. Wrapping it up. Can we do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I go, I go waffles, but then blueberry pancakes immediately fall in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't decide. BANANA! Uh, but, but like a nice crispy waffle? Nana? Then I'm going french toast. Like a little crisp? That's what I like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think I've taken you, uh, to bowling at Cougar Lanes and we might have played some, uh, cruise in USA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, oh yeah, we did, dude. I fucked with that game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you got first place at Cougarland Bowl at the Cruisin' USA, you gotta go again. That's so sick. And that's another episode of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you charge your phone on an away luggage? You can, on the older bags. But don't you have to charge it first?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's on your mind, Derbs? Uhm, I wanna know what Adam's drinking cause he is on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you are, it's five, it's after five, uhm, and you're in Hollywood, California? 520 on 419.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do they test that? Is it DUI or is it different? Is it the same as a DUI? What do they call it? I think there's the same level of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you step out this whole action, like, you said you woke up to a man in your house, in your room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's he wearing? What's he wearing? How tall? How heavy? Yeah, what's he wearing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was he dressed in all silk? You don't remember anything? Yea, did he have a backpack, a Toomey bag, a roller bag? What kind of bag did he wear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pheromones. We need the pheromones. They tell the baby to fight his way out. I feel a nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, if there's an echo in here, this fucking room is kinda sick. It's fucking humongous, it's got two stories, I have like a spiral staircase, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got weekends off, uh, here's something crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Mexico, they shoot Saturday mornings. What do you mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, IAZI, whatever IAZI was fighting for, they do a half day on Saturdays. I don't know if I'm doing one or if this production is doing one, but people are talking about it. And I was like, that's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this the lady, they live in Pasadena? Oh, here comes our producers with a little more information. Yeah, what's going on? That was the Orange County Housewives X. Okay, the Orange County


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super connected, you're riding behind your specialized bike, and now you are going to be in court with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's police with us who are like blocking traffic. That's just a general thing you do when you're outdoors and you have traffic and cars and da da da. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy just gets back in the car, he shakes the police's hands, and drives away and we're like, what the fuck just happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy was driving and we saw a woman jump out of shotgun while he was driving and then bolt away from all of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we said, what was it? And they go, well we thought it might have been a kidnapping situation. But what had happened was, around the corner, the guy had picked up a prostitute. And he had driven a couple blocks to go get Dome, or whatever,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is blowjob. Your boobs are here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saw the police blocking traffic and thought it was a sting for prostitutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we also were like, oh my god, like we were getting bits of information at a time. We knew a woman had jumped out of a car at some point before we got all the, the entire...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The poor woman, by the way, just trying to make a living jumping out of a moving car. Brutal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turn maybe? No, cause she thought he was, she thought the guy was like a fucking undercover cop taking her to the police.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she jumped out thinking that the dude who picked her up was a narc or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That memory is a deep cut pull, that you remembered the Google Earth, but I guess it does click in with your whole like, this is an opportunity to be seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a clickbait. It was like the New York Post. It's all trash. Yes, yes, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did hot knives once. I've told you guys this story. Me and John went to a random house, did hot knives with some people and we thought it was insane and we were high for like an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Wait, with the flower? No, no, not flavor, not, no, no, not flower. No, no, no, no. Yeah, no. Hot knives is the resin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, but we used like the top of a two liter bottle to like kind of catch the smoke. What did you just go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know my homie Brian, who you've met, he like worked at that bar, I'm not gonna say it, but uhm, he used to just build weed smoking contraptions in high school, like dual chamber bongs inside of like water jugs and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it could be like Bonnaroo. It could be 8 Crazy Nights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to say right before we jump into that, Adam, I do want to say that we popularized Half Christmas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm giving us our flowers, yes. Thank you. Good job. I like that. Absolutely. Can we popularize 420?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That doesn't have quite the ring as AMBIAMO!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't been there. I have definitely not been there. I don't know, that is this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, is that Blake's mecha? Is he gonna have to make the pilgrimage? Yeah. Man, I want it to come out so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I love Pilsners. I think that's my favorite beer to be honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, the quill. And the mata. It's the mata.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they didn't really admit being wrong. They're coming along. They're coming along. Yeah, it takes a while to correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, we are so stoked you're here. We're still here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, now hold on a second Adam, cause you just claimed that you're- You did two things, two things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what about like at the mall? You know at the mall when they spray cologne on like a card? Why don't you like jizz on a little business card?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you stoked on the shoot? How was it? Were you, were you dancing and singing a lot or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe they are making a, like, now is when they're making this movie about her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just watched him on that, uh, that rock show where he plays Vince McMahon. I'm hyped on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where like the shit gets fucked up for me, like leeches and snakes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think my fear of leeches purely comes from uhm, that movie, Stand By Me. Yeah, just like the scariest thing when I was a child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, I think that alligators like, uhm, warm weather. They like it warm, warm, warm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The craziest shit I ever saw, when I was like in the Everglades, I went to the Everglades for a wedding randomly, they were like some Florida locals, and when I was out on the freeway out there, I saw alligators.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they're just all around you. In the Everglades, they're everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. If you make em pink, it's not cool. Even though there are pink. I missed you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if it's like the guys who are like hunting rhino horn and then like they're out there to save the rhinos but then the rhinos start to hunt them. That's kinda cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like that really OG meme where it's like the bear and he just has snow all over his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that really happened? A bear ate cocaine and went on a rampage?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like maybe you could, that, a whole movie of that, maybe you could tag that it could be kind of like a grindhouse and you could have Angeline movie for 15 minutes and then you could do the bear. But you could do it for a whole


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've all seen the Revenant. You can't, you can't have the Baron at the whole, it's one scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe the guy starts to see a lot of the bear in himself. And he was the bear the whole time. He did all the cocaine, thought he was a bear, started killing his friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but look what Todd put in the chat. It says it's a thriller inspired by a 1985 true story of a drug runner's plane crash, missing cocaine, and a burly black bear that ate it. So a plane crash, I'm thinking maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that, uh, plane crash is probably like two people in the woods with a bear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a creature feature, ooh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No dude, steel drums are mad expensive. They're like a thousand bucks or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, they're hand made. You know how hard it is to get the proper tone of a steel drum man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna say one thousand dollars for a steel drum. Maybe five hundred. That seems like a steal to me. No pun intended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what do you mean, a guitar? Yeah, but we're talking about exactly what you guys said. It's like an oil drum just cut off. It's like not like a huge manufacturing thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Inside out. Inside out. What's cool is you know when it was like not a show, he'd go and fuck on that thing. Dude, you know he was fucking on the drumstick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, like, I've been toying with it in my brain a little bit. This is the first time I've said it out loud and I'm liking what Kyle's saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you dare. Don't you dare. Please. I love it. Blake's worried about me. It's called Dead Ringer though. It's called Dead Ringer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought that was his whole reason for doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ders has missed one. I'm the only one, I'm the Cal Ripken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was there any good Christmas movies that came out? I feel like I didn't see a single good. I didn't watch, uh, Seth and Evans, what was that called? Christmas ink or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not sure. Well, they came out with something and it looked funny, but I did not watch it yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, right now, currently I'm battling... To be fair... David. What?! You wanted it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always, I'm like, I'm trying to get the most, most COVID in one body as possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, you just had it. What do you think that is? I just, I got it three months ago. And then I just, uh, let me re-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They told me that I couldn't even get the booster shot until three months has gone by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, the doctor that, uh, that gave me the monoclonals. That you can't have it for three months? Yeah, it told me to wait on getting the booster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I tested before I traveled and then I tested the day I got back and then the day I got back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if I'm taking a drink, sometimes I might just pull that down, take the sip, pull it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm. Yeah, he's a robot. Also hasn't caught COVID yet. The fact that... I'm, that means I'm a nerd though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm a nerd. That's correct. What's going on? Why am I the fucking wild man out here catching double vid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but only in the last three months, though. This thing's been going on for a while. I did pretty good. I waited. I staggered. I staggered my COVID. To the back end of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's cause you get less sick if you don't. Yeah, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's why people are shitting on the CDC so hard right now, that they've like, last, they've like, laxed the uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The waiting period. The waiting period that you have to quarantine before you can go back into society. And people are like shh, like shitting on them like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that the mark of the beast is just like a little like colorful bandaid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just crazy that this shit has been going on so fucking long at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like two years of a person's life, that's a long, like if you went to prison for two years, that's not a short stint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He never made you strip in front of him. It was, it was a quick, it was always a quick snatch. Yeah, it was a f- Was he like, pull your pants down and you had, you were like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what, what were you guys getting beat, uh, for all the time? What was, what was the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My parents spanked me, but never, yeaah, see, I knew, see. Bare bottom. I knew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, my parents knew that that wouldn't, did that affect you? I feel like I didn't. A few times I got spanked, I'm like, it was fine, it sucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like what affected me more was when they were like, guess what motherfucker, time out. And then you make, they make you go stand in the corner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? That was my mom's move way more than hitting. She would just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and my sister would be fighting or something and she just like would have an, she'd ask us to stop and then instead of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made my teacher cry. It was, we were old too. We were like, uh, like 14. We were in like freshman year of high school, 14 or 15.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had the class set up where there was like a chunk of, uh, seats here, a chunk here, and a chunk here, and then the desk was in the middle, so I could look directly at my buddy directly across the way, and then we were just doing dumb shit where we were like acting like we were


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The teacher, the teacher started the, yeah, the kid started to laugh and the teacher was like, what's going on? Sees us like exploding in shit behind her. And then afterwards we have to sit with her after, uh, she didn't cry in front of everyone. She waited for us. She excused everyone. And then she's like, Adam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Ryan, can I talk with you? And we sat down, and she then just started bawling, dude. Yeah, cause she was trying to fuck her. Perfect!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were in Spanish one? Your junior year?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we didn't. We started in, uh, eighth grade. We took, it was just, we took like a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then by the time you got to high school, then you chose a language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those were, those were the best classes. One note, one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the teacher's like, I can't fail them all. So if you just do- Cause they'll get fired. If you just last second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'll give you an A. Cause she's like, alright, at least he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, uh, my, that was my sophomore year of high school when this, all this went down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, my senior year as I'm walking out of the school, she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I turn around, it was like a fucking John Hughes scene. I turn around and she goes, I fucking hate you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was standing, uh, up for all of the little, the, the, the cripples, the spazzes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand not understand, I also, I feel like all three of us had issues with math.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. That was for sure my hardest, my hardest thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, and that's, that's a lesson for life, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so basically Blake is saying that he thinks teachers are bad. They didn't teach him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a teacher once that, uh, I would fake flirt with her so often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, uh, I had, I had a question for her after class and she wouldn't talk to me alone in the classroom. She made me go in the hallway to talk to her. You made her feel unsafe. Yeah, I was like, oh, I guess I'm like a creep. I didn't even know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think so. I think so, for what I remember. But also, do you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go back, anytime you look at old photos of people that you thought were like the hottest people in the world, and you go back and look from like when you were a kid and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, the amount of notes that were passed back and forth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies, if you want, in today's age, if you want to get a husband. Thank you, come on. Pass, pass that man a note. Yes, we're still- Are you talking about in high school? Yes, maybe or no. Or I'm talking, I'm talking today. Or steal his hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe take his trapper keeper and vandalize it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember this girl stole my brand new trapper keeper and wrote fluffy buns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In hindsight, I was like, they must have liked me. Or something. They really wanted it. Were they talking about your butt being fluffy? Yeah, my butt. They liked me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, fluffy butt. And, uh. That's one way to explain it. And. Fucking dump truck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so funny. Do you remember, I wish as adults you could still like, get in fights after work. You can't. Like, like you can't, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really frowned upon. Catch like 7th, 8th grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like fights kinda died off by the time we got into high school, but 7th and 8th grade there was a fight every day. Oh that show was the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Either we went to the down by the track or up by the circle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was like a little wooded area that you could kind of dip down in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or the circle which was just off campus at the very top of the hill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you saw teachers coming, if they were coming. Teachers would fight? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How exciting. Like it makes me think like, why wasn't I like a fight promoter? I would have done really well in middle school as a fight promoter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. With the hair. And those girl fights, they were more aggressive than the guy fights by far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, admittedly, do the, I mean, the teachers have a leg to stand on because these kids are getting fucking sexy, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's my favorite. Just dad strength.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait for you guys to like, uh, you know, in, in probably like five years when we're still doing the podcast and you come on and you're like, guys, crazy story. I just beat the shit out of a 14 year old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to. Like they were punking my kid, they- he pushed me, I told him to knock it off, he stepped to me again and I dropped the little son of a bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm excited that I feel like out of the three of us, Dyrs will be the first one. Also, he's got the oldest kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like he's gonna be the first one to, uh, either get in some sort of altercation with the child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad one time, uh, these kids stole my basketball and kicked it on the roof. And I came home like crying because it was the pizza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and so he came, I think I've told this story on the podcast where he came over to these kids and was like, get, uh, get my son his ball. And they're like, no, fuck off. And my dad's like, go get it. And he's like, what are you going to do? And the kid pushed him and my dad just fucking smacked this kid in the head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You absolutely cannot lose that fight. You lost. You have to, if you're going to lose that fight, you have to find a way to murder that child. That's the only way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's worth a lifetime in prison because you gained your child's respect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in front of your own child. And you were going to lose the fight. And you're like, I was, so you had to grab that shank and stab him in the neck. Or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should be able to fight, uh, children if they're embarrassing you in front of your kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, that would be, that would suck to lose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I, when I, Cat Williams is the fucking best when I did New Faces for the Montreal Comedy Festival, New Faces. Right, uh, they invite like 20 comics from around the world, they call them the New Faces of comedy. I did it in 06.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's right after New Faces, it's like the New Faces show, then it's the Legend show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me, Kat is in the house. I love it. Kat Wynn. And everyone's like, what the fuck? And then without an MC, he's just like, What's up bitches? And like walks on stage and starts the show and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like towels are still, you know, still pretty big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you've got a towel. Uh, well, I feel like the next tour, uh, isn't gonna be me solo doing stand-up tour. I think the next tour should be us going on the road, taking TII to the nation!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, this isn't, we're not wasting this idea on just my stand-up show. This is our communal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is important on the road. Also selling NFTs that is a magic eye of our collective dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Magic Eyes, uh, of our collective cocks, I think. We're going one third, one third, one third.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, by the way, guys, we should get a bowl. Barstool Sports has a bowl. Jimmy Kimmel has a bowl. Jimmy Kimmel got a bowl now, yeaah. I feel like we need a bowl. How do we go about doing this? Maybe that's, that should be our New Year's resolution, is get a bowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, how's weed maps or something? Or, or... Can? Cannabis beverage? Should we? Let's shout out. Hey!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I wanted to add, uh, an allegedly to all the stories I've ever told about my dad, uh, fighting children. Good call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm gonna throw an allegedly in front and during all said stories, just so we know that it could or could not have happened and I don't, I think if it happened, it was so long ago that you probably wouldn't still be in trouble for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can beat the shit out of that kid. Legally, we think, allegedly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's got Willem Dafoe. Willem Dafoe. I haven't seen any of the new ones, is what I meant to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it felt like the episode of Succession where they go to Italy was- looked cooler than...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ridley Scott, get on your shit dawg. Ridley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Riddle? White Lotus just looked like Hawaii, which was really beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't have your cake and eat it too, man. You just said that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's only bad if you hate the smell of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it, I find it to be intriguing. And most people love Red Bull, so I would say most humans love the stink of Red Bull.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it when it's, when it spills on the counter, like, like you have a party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just, it, it was like a little spicier but, uh, it also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, okay, but did you have to like, saw up a cow and shit? Cause that to me, would be super fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude. And then, but how much weed did you smoke in the freezer? That was the best part of the gig. Cause we would go in the freezer and smoke weed and then come out, which is because obviously it's lunchtime, not a great time for us to go smoke weed in the freezer. And you come out and I, I'm making a sandwich for someone and I'm too stoned. And I remember there, they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was 2003 and there was a huge strike with all the, um, uh, grocery store employees. And I just remember, like for me, it was just like, okay, we're going on strike. The union tells us to go on strike. I'm just holding a sign. I'm 19 years old. I don't give a shit. Like I'm like, okay, yeah, sure. They should get paid more. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is all above my head. And some guy just teed off on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like fine making that, that whatever eight dollars I was making, you know, I'm just, uh, it's just they told me to go on strike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple of hot pockets. Uh, but that, that grocery store... Duct tape. This bro got his ass beat for frozen pizza. That grocery store was, uh, was dope. There's all, cause it was Newport Coast, so there's all kinds of celebrities that would come in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I remember- For example? Yeah, Elizabeth- Elizabeth Hurley, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was, I was like, take me to Russia! And no one understood what I was talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, at that store, Kyle, did you smoke weed at work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I see him kind of often in, in Newport. Every once in a while I'll just... And it's like, it's just like seeing... And he looks like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in, I'm in the basement and I'm a senior in high school and you enter through my garage and you go right into the basement. It's an old computer. It takes forever to like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the thing is, the thing is, is how, how many years were they together? Like if, if it's, I think it's, if it's over three years, I think that's a nay-nay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he was, he was, uh, he had his signature scent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel, I feel like Old Spice is just far and away the, the lead is now, right? But it also smells so good. My, my grandfather was an Old Spice guy and then I became an Old Spice guy and then I stuck with it. I don't know if I've ever, I've ever even fucked with anything else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, women smell like actual things, it's like lilac or, you know, it's like a flowers, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Remember that guy? That guy came to our house. Uh, Blake? What was it? The...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is, this is when we lived on the, in the dinosaur house. This is, uh, post jungle juice era. Okay, okay. I remember when we used to fuck up jungle juice and that was, uh, that was very nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember at that party, I remember at that party, I made uh, two monster energy drinks mixed with vodka and beer bonged it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there any take backs, apologies, giveaways? I would like to, uhm, take back to ourselves, our 19, 20, 21 year old selves for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, where you just like kind of put, uh, in like what you're about to do, and then that shows you how much time that's gonna take off your life. I want my stats. And you can go like, oh shit, oh shit, this actually, drinking this jungle juice will take like a week and a half off my life, maybe that's not worth it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is. Ow. Uh, Kyle, you got any take backs, giveaways, apologies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, I'm just saying yeaah, it's, it's, it's a great, I could see where you were going with it and I was excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw it and all of a sudden the text started rolling in from you guys, like have you seen this fucking thing? It's, it's, uh, Tom Brady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole thing is him, it's a rental car commercial, it's just him saying let's go and then other people saying let's go for the entirety of the commercial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, I mean, just the jugger, like, come on, at least go with an underdog if you're gonna go. Let's go! Go with a budget. Go with somebody, a scrappy little underdog. You go with Hertz. National? The fucking evil empire. Go with national.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And guess what, that's still better than Hertz because Hertz will tell you that they are open and you'll go there and it's 11 o'clock at night and you have a three hour drive ahead of you and they won't be there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they won't allow you to just remotely upgrade your tier so I could take a fucking car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got me bro. I found a meme that it was something like, uh, Mary, basically crypto is Mary Kay for millennial dudes. For dudes, yea, it was very funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was a super cute meme. Or gif? It was a meme, right? Memes are just where it's a photo and then there's... Yeah, words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're total gifs. We're gif hogs, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't even do it right now. It doesn't even exist quite yet, right? What do you mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, but it's not, it's not fake if people are, are using it as currency. Yeah, but I'm like, do I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blake, you're on the internet all the time, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't get on your high horse and pretend like you're not always on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet you have more than three- I only go to three websites. BITCH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other one, I mean, it's, it's, it's like maybe a deadline Hollywood to find out stuff about, like, I don't know. Your adversary?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shake things up. Woah, this is a different interface. This is exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, so, so you have to have a special computer. As a dad, you have to have a special computer. Yeah. With that, with that, it's like, you put like black tape on it or something. You're like, that's his dad!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A buddy of mine's dad had a computer in the garage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's putting in some work in the metaverse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, totally. Just a lot of shoulder movement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, that sucks that we live in a world that, when you think you're on a five minute break, you can't just crank, yea, you can't crank down. Yea, what the hell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like we should just have a room. And, and, you know, for either sex to go in, and if they want to crank down- Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember when I didn't know, you guys, it was just way back in the day, and you guys were talking about, uh, bukkake, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you guys, I, no, actually, I was trying to talk about it. This is how it went. I was trying to talk about it, about something, and I said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had never heard it aloud, so I, how I read it was Butecake. Well that's just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're talking Bu-cake. Bu-cake. Uh, would you, if you're in the metaverse, right? And you're wandering around the verse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was at the party and I thought we were gonna bro down with Blake, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody can turn the stereo back up. Thank you for letting me do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, now he said everyone but him. Did you say that? I thought you said something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sleep that night. So what was the deal? And then like the very next night, you go to the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers event. That was the night before. Which looked pretty fuckin' cool, by the way. Dude, it was sick. On, on, on Tubi, check it out, Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers, but, uh. And how do people get Tubi again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and there is a lot of, besides the Freak Brothers, uh, there's a lot of other shit on there that I was like, oh, if this was free, like, I for sure would just have this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, well I actually had to leave the house at 5am, so I had to be up at like 4.40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I got a number, I'm assuming it's Pete's, uh, phone number. He, I've had his phone number like five times now. And every time he will text me, it's from a new number. I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, so, so, it's not your girl that is subscribed to Us Weekly. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who like loves, she is an Us Weekly subscriber, she gets People Magazine, she likes to know what the celebs are up to, you know, uh, but then she also is of the generation that would think that someone's just texting her that, she'll click it and then that person, now they own your home. Or you have no money in your bank account.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems like you need to be taking more quests, David.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, how annoying is when like your neighbor's alarm goes off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in my car. So you're just saying fill the room with a fog. So I think, so a fog wouldn't bother your neighbor if the inside of your home is filled with fog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, see Ders- Dersweet, that's a whole- Hey, it's blue. Oh shit. It's blue smoke. It's blue smoke!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, how many points are we talking here? I feel like that's making it blue. That's sort of a 50% idea though. That's genius.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, every line that I sing, I remember. And I remember literally zero other things. Just about anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, real life things, and also, uh, workaholics, there, there is scenes, like I'll see clips and videos online every once in a while. There'll be some old scenes that I'm like, truly don't even remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I can't remember. No, I honestly can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sent you that video because somebody DM'd me and they're like, please, it's driving me fucking crazy. Why isn't, why is his ass ripped in the certain episode?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that we had to get that show down, cause we shot


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We shot a lot and we would improv and go off on different runs that ended up being better than...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes it'd be better or we'd make, uh, than what we wrote or it would just make the scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say that that's more- that is assault. I think that that's more than a prank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes sense. It's amazing. It's a fantastic idea. I mean like the person would really need it coming in order for you to slip a shit disc. I mean shit on their car seats, slip a shit disc in their car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he didn't. He was tooling around, decided to take a piss. There was no, there was no restroom. There's no way to get out of this room. It's just a room. You're a stupid dumbass. So he pisses in the middle of the room. There's a rope there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you guys know so many riddles? I don't know any riddles. You guys just have a ton of riddles ready to go. This is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Enigma. You know, I would like, I would like to be in a movie that all three of us are DC villains. Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like kind of a fatter, angrier version of Colin Farrell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, sure, yeah, the program I know. Yeah, I know that character and really loved that scene, but I don't remember his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the best football movie? It's Rudy, right? For me, it's Rudy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are? You've been in a Rune Russo. Russo bro. Uh, I'm a Russo bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been in one, the intern, me and Ders have been in a Rene Russo movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, we're, we're spinning our wheels here already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Blake's trying to make a mockery of this, dude. Obviously- There's one we're forgetting. Varsity Blues is not a spinoff of Dawson's Creek, just cause James Vanderbeek, the one and only. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he is in, uh, Varsity Blues, correct? Is that, or am I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We would like to go out to you guys and, Blake, if there's a John Claude Van Damme football movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a first ever in PII history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A young child in jail's the best. Long, like Big Dick Daddy Long. I'm a jerky boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's switched up on him? What is this gas station? Yeah, what were you talking about? Coming, what's that one? Come and go? Come and go, the come and go. It's not come and go, that's alright, that's just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We drive back and forth from, uh, Southern California to Northern California. Right. There's a few, uh, is one called TNA? Uh, TNA is TTA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, TA was, is hard. And those are both like true truck stop gas stations. So they have showers. You could take a shower. I just want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want the good shit, go to the weighing stations, that's where they're all pulled off, they're all doing their business, zipping up for the drive. And you know that because... It is a real thing. That's not a real thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because truck stops are way brighter, they're way more populated, they have families there getting gas, the truck way station is truckers only, no families are pulling over for gas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's a hot stop on the way to Vegas. It kind of is like, looks like an Area 51 thing. I think there's like a flying saucer crashed in the side of the building. They got little aliens you could take your picture with. Oh, it's just. And a lot of, and some jerky. And jerky out the freaking butt. So shout out to my liquor store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you, do you ever go into the turkey jerky zone or are you purely a beef boy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a similar thing happen, Whole Foods got me, Whole Foods got me with like, coconut meat, jerky or something, tasted like fucking butt ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How funny were the Jerky Boys tapes? They're very good. You wanna give them their flowers? Are you gonna give them a kiss of death or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna put you on another one. Longmont Potion Castle. Have you ever listened to his prank calls? They are so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My boy Skinner put me on him, he's- it's so funny dude, just like hilarious. He just like say those-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Longmont potion castle. It's like kind of an underground. And it rolls off the tongue. Long or long?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The br- the dude's super, like, mysterious, nobody knows who he is, he's been doing it forever, they're- it's so funny, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing that Kyle ever did that I remember very well is you called a Chinese food restaurant and you said that Kyle was Blake's hero. You found a contact in your soup. Or no, you said you found a cunt hair in your soup and they thought you were saying contact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 1 o'clock or whatever and she picks up and I was just kinda like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, whatever it was, I must've nailed it. Cause she kept calling back, back, back, back. I feel so bad. Until the next morning, I kinda had forgotten about it and I was like, just about to get in the shower and the phone rings and I pick it up and it's her. And she's like, who is this? And I'm, I'm like, I, I'm like, oh shit, oh shit. I couldn't think fast enough. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was so terrified. I felt so bad. Like, looking back, that was really a mean thing to do. Cause the sun must not have been home. Right, it must have. Have you guys ever had. You might have hit a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised at how I'm not buying your shit. How few times like baseball players get like line drives off their face. Well, one happened last year to a dude on the A's and it was fucking brutal. But at some point they're going to add a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he let it go a little too much, it came back around and he ended up just clocking the catcher like right in the dome. And like knocking the kid out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they're, I think they're much more comfortable. Like I don't know. I remember like, I'm not in, I don't think we had a kid in class that had like headgear. Remember fucking like seeing like movies with like headgear? Yea, but you sleep in them, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey man, these dentists know what they're doing, baby. Yeaah. They know what they're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't take it back, but I wish I could take back that prank call I did to that nice lady. I'm sorry I worried you. This is an official apology from Blaine Andy, so please. I hope you didn't lose too much sleep over that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this dude's like, wow, I'm like really knowledgeable about the vagina. I can just remember the parts very well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I have a little secret, like a little Wells Fargo account that I go to and overdraft when I want to feel, you know, that feeling again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember some of Mormon, uh, lore and legacy, but I know like, like Joseph Smith like found some like gold plates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only know because uh, Mormon churches always have really sick uh, indoor basketball courts. So that's where we would run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you know what it was? It was a, uhm, 24 hour, like, fast, but also a video game night. Because I think, like, Nintendo 64 just dropped, so they were like, yo, these kids can play, like, four player. I did that. Blake, we did- You think these graphics are fa-


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[Assistant] Yeah, you better believe it. Yeah, Kyle was definitely token. Hey, what's up? It's me, Kyle.


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[Assistant] We all, we all mature at different ages, okay?


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[Assistant] Too dark? Yes. She looks like a raven. Yea, hence the darkness.


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[Assistant] Yes, I had it. You can hear, it was when we were all separated. At the Super Bowl? No, no, I didn't get to go.


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[Assistant] Has anybody got it? I would love to have some like, uh, incorrect information. Has anybody ever got it three times? Is it possible? Or is COVID a two and done?


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[Assistant] Are there? I've never met a three-time gangster.


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[Assistant] Wait, when did you get it? What day are we on? Cause we're supposed to like go have a barbecue at your house.


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[Assistant] Let's just, like, test, uh, different, like, new chip flavors and stuff. That'll be fun to do in person. Yeah, I'd be down for that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they were about to go fuck up some hypnotic and shit. That would be sweet.


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[Assistant] Wow, you can give your life for the flag, but you can't smoke a doobie. You said it. You said it. God damn.


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[Assistant] And I, I didn't really like it. Thank you. Thank you Adam for standing up for our, our system. Whatever it's called.


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[Assistant] Really? I thought everybody did that and I've been to Italy. No, they don't do that in Italy.


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[Assistant] Yes. Just, wow. Why do they even do that? Like, where did, where did that happen?


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[Assistant] And then in the United States we just said we're gonna do whatever the fucken is the opposite of the king. Like fuck it. We're driving on the other side. You could suck our dick.


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[Assistant] They were just like, hey, while your dudes are away, just start like shaving your body, why not?


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[Assistant] But how long is it to get your, uh, eyes lasered? What is that process? Fifteen minutes. Damn, in and out.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like, do you kinda naturally...


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[Assistant] How many doctors go, like, I guess, I don't know, cause I- Doctor shit. There's no way I would ever be a doctor, cause I'm dumb as fuck, but like, do you go into the medical, like medical school, being like, I wanna be this kinda doctor, or do you like, study, and you see what tests you're kinda like, excelling at?


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[Assistant] We're seeing in the chat that you do rotations during med school, and then... And this is interesting stuff.


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[Assistant] Right off the top of the dome, I'm orthopedic. Your d- your feet? Yeah, man.


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[Assistant] They must have the most, uh, um, custom license plates. Like, Bones with a Z. That shit goes-


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't come in with like a checklist, you know what I mean? It's just whatever happens, happens. I'm an improviser, you know?


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[Assistant] But do you have good teeth? Okay, then I'll do both! Uh, we're about to have dentists on our ass. No, dentists are doctors. That's true.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm gonna stick with the feet, dude. I'm gonna stick with the foot doctor.


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[Assistant] I think we've rid the line of like smoking weed and drinking beer the right way where we didn't like dive too deep into the actual like culture of it. So shout out to us for being great addicts.


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[Assistant] We'll see, I'll put the feelers out for sure. If it happens, I'd love to.


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[Assistant] I don't know how, when's the last time you were in, in the club, like hardcore in the club? Almost every night.


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[Assistant] When was the last time you really clubbed it?


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[Assistant] This was a year- That was when Lionheart was GOD. That's damn near 20 years ago.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well, he was on top of the world. Like, he was a huge deal, at least in Southern California. Sure, that doesn't give you the right to be a dickhead.


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[Assistant] Mission easy R.I.P. Damn. Go ahead, go ahead. Great neighborhood.


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[Assistant] Well that was the, I mean, that was the first time I had ever like done like a workout regimen and we, we were all in, all five of us in that house. Tony Horton was a magical guy. We watched those damn DVDs so much that you just start to memorize them and, and just fall in love with each character.


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[Assistant] Yes. I would never, I've never looked up the history of Broken Lizard, like they must have been a sketch group. They were a sketch group.


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[Assistant] What the fuck is puddle cruiser? Maybe it was about guys who like rode bikes through like big puddles and it was just-


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[Assistant] I did, I did, I don't think I got through it. I remember it being very bad. But maybe I just wasn't in the right mindset.


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[Assistant] And I'm a, I'm a huge super, no, I'm a huge super trooper broken lizard guy, I love club dread, I think beer fest is hella funny, like I'm a, I'm a fan.


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[Assistant] What's his name? DJ Twist or something? He's a really nice guy. Twitch. Yeah, Twitch. That's right.


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[Assistant] Good. So Adam, do you have like free reign or do you gotta kinda fit into the Ellen Mulder? Is this gonna be butt chugging? Like what can we look forward to at Adam?


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[Assistant] I hope you get that Ellen swag bag and get the cool hoodie and the Ellen tequila, cause my gosh.


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[Assistant] Just be like, let's go Brandon. Oh no, it's coming. Yea, no, I feel you there because I'm on board. I think it's fuckin' cool.


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[Assistant] Find a- find if a cameraman is named Brandon or find somebody on set whose name is Brandon and just keep throwing to them.


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[Assistant] Well, here's the tipping point, is that Kurtz Rennicar made it their official, like, uh,


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[Assistant] It's a preface. It's like a preface. That's my catchphrase. I say to be honest, if we're being honest.


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[Assistant] I mean, soon enough, let's go, we'll cycle through. I'm just really excited to see what's next.


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[Assistant] That's not what I took away from it. I was just like, I think if you have any sort of interest in the Beatles, it's interesting, cause they are arguably the greatest band, most prolific band of all time. And if you have any interest in music, it's a great song.


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[Assistant] Well I was saying that if you don't have any interest in music and you don't care for the Beatles, it's not like an interesting documentary where you learn anything. It's like you're just watching the greatest...


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[Assistant] I mean, it's truly because they have no distractions, like, other than each other, like, they're stuck in this room, you can't look down on your phone, check Twitter or whatever, you're just fucking in a fucking box together.


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[Assistant] What would my mom take away from that documentary? She would probably be like Snoozeville 97.


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[Assistant] That's pretty weird, if you don't know the Beatles catalog, then when they make up this iconic sh- song, you're not going like, holy shit, that's when Paul made up that song, but you're like, this could be-


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[Assistant] Because he was producing. Yeaah. They were all getting dip in toes.


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[Assistant] After I watched the documentary, I'm like, cause I fell in love with Ringo through the doc, I'm like, Ringo, I never have liked Ringo, but after seeing that, I'm like, he's my f-


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[Assistant] I'm like, I'm gonna check out his music, cause maybe I was just being harsh, the dude's pretty cool. Dude, his solo albums.


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[Assistant] Oh man, it's like, it's so bad. And I love Ringo and that those albums are just not very good.


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[Assistant] I think it was right when I left to go film with you, Adam, because Ders kinda hit me up, like, I wanna do this. In Atlanta? I was like, I have to go to Atlanta. Okay, cool.


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[Assistant] You gotta go. Oh yea, freakin' heckin' eh.


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[Assistant] Dole honks, not having a leg in P90X. It inspired me to keep pushing play dude.


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[Assistant] There's my take back, sorry. Sorry for that, that person.


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[Assistant] Nice, yeaah, as you should. It wouldn't make any sense if you didn't. You gotta really know the characters, cause I've seen all of Sopranos a couple times.


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[Assistant] That's Uncle Junior. Yeah, it's a prequel to The Sopranos.


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[Assistant] And it's cool, so if you've watched this series, you like know all of like the older, they, they were like, that generation was dying off when Tony was coming up, and so you kind of clock all of them, uh, and then now you see them as, as in their prime, being bad, being badass gang stars.


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[Assistant] That commercial I just played, uh, my dad is if my dad were in a Vietnam War veteran.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that, uh, that makeup is a Taco Bell commercial that was basically my face for like a minute. So it was pretty cool when I was like...


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[Assistant] And, uh, I remember, yeaah, maybe it was before we got the show, so I must have been like 23 or 24, somewhere in there.


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[Assistant] I kinda just went through that when I, cause I got my specialized bike. I got my, uh,


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[Assistant] Uhm, but it's, it was so damn nice, but I walked in and they're like, hey, can I help you? And I'm, you know, wearing a mask and shit, and I'm going, I think I'm here to get a free bike, and the guy's like, yeah.


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[Assistant] And I'm like, I think I am, and he's like, nooo.


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[Assistant] Uh, but then the manager came out and knew what was up and hooked it up. They were very nice and, uh, specialized. Man, that thing was so fucking radical.


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[Assistant] So, but you will end up going faster. If you're going downhill, like on my regular road bike, I can get it up to 40 miles an hour just bombing a hill.