[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went on Find My iPhone, and I could see, I like logged into his account, and I could see that he was down the street. So I thought he was like dead in a ditch, like in a car accident. It was like 6am. So I drove to the location where it was, and uh, I just see him walk out of this girl's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like looking all disheveled and I was like, what the hell is going on? So I rushed home trying to be detective.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like massive detective vibes, I wanted to like find out the truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so this was all happening in Venice Beach, California. And, uh, I go home and I'm in my bed and he walks in the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so then I was like, well, I have anxiety. Can we get in the car? I just need to like let loose. He's like, yeah. So I drive back to her house with him in the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when we start getting there, he's like moving, he's like, where are we going? And I'm like, I actually don't know. You tell me who lives there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, and then he confessed it was like the hostess of the restaurant that he was like a manager at. And then two weeks later I was like moved out and divorced. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like 28-ish. No, I'm sorry. That's rough. No, it's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think if he would have been American, we wouldn't have gotten married. We would have just kept dating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he needs something or whatever, like he can always like call on me. Yeah, I don't hate him with like some crazy aggression.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's always girls coming in and out and stuff, so I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can really like, if people open up, if they're like open to being vulnerable and talking about themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've always liked talking to people about relationship stuff. But maybe it's because I'm also so open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I share, I have, wear my heart on my sleeve, so I'm like, no, no cap, you know? Yea, no cap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like he's like quadruple faxed. You know what I mean? He's like first in line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well like, all ten of them were just so fast, it was like one week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I found like, one boyfriend. Well, I guess three of- I've had like three boyfriends since I was married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just ran through a bunch of- I had a list of people that I just like hit up. I was like, man, I gotta get like over you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you gotta get revenge dick on him. So then I had revenge. Yeah, I got it. And then, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then what happened? And then I had a boyfriend. That didn't work out. I had another boyfriend. He died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he actually went to Mexico and he got, uh, some, like, pills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, seven months. That's terrifying. Wow. Yeah. So I moved to Austin for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I moved to Austin and we dated the entire time. And then he, I went to LA for like one night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that one night, I got a phone call that he overdosed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so then that happened and then, uh, I dated one guy long distance in London and then the boyfriend I have now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? Like, that's such a creepy level. Also, note the mattress on the floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But not like, he never calls me like, baby, not like that. And I do it more in like a joking way, like when I want something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I kicked him in the face. Really? It tickled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good. You know what I mean though? Like, I'm like, I just, I'm more of like a top style person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not necessarily submissive, just, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead, lay it on her, Sigoura, you opened it. Would I be open to- what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this a kink? If I, like, I would, uh, masturbate for him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I've had quite a few experiences. Naked in public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could get into the, to like, orgasm control stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there's like some like mental fuckery there. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially after just seeing each other in a parking lot. Oh my Christ. That was like a proposal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lauren can't do that, Lauren. Oh, man. Definitely, uh, wouldn't be my boyfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no you can find me on social media everywhere. At Lauren Compton? At IamLaurenCompton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Liv, oh my gosh, you genuinely look so gorgeous with your extensions. Your makeup looks amazing as always. Yes. I love you so much, bestie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at my friend Rachel. She is literally so gorgeous. I mean, she's actually a model. No, like literally she models.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody hyper up in the comments below. I love you all so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your girl stopped scrolling. Hey girl, I just wanted to tell you that you are unbelievably


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beautiful. You are unbelievably kind. You are unbelievably the best person ever. Never forget that. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I love you so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot, guys. Hitler, aliens, Garth. For reference, this is how hairy my butt is right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't forget to cover the cheeks as well. Setting a timer for three minutes. Don't go past three minutes because I did that with my armpits. Like I went to five minutes and it literally burned and stung so bad. We have one minute left. So far there's no stinging. Nothing's hurting. It's all good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, okay, thank you. We walk into the bathroom and she is like, uh, how-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Contact a doctor or at least go get a laxative from the store because, guys, this was the worst experience of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm coming to get that booty, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeans! Hey everyone! Have you seen the Red Band trailer for the upcoming comedy, The Machine? It stars Brett Kreisler and Mark Hamill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think it's actually a cultural truth? Yeah, give me my slice and then also 10%. Wow. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was showing the before pictures of her like practicing on herself and that's what it looked like I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you just put it all in, and then woooo. Wow. Just suck off all that meat. That's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen mate, I'm not your average member of the public. You can sit here and smake all you want, right? They'll be hearing a nice letter before claim for you. Explain yourself!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so gay and retarded, like, you should never talk that much shit about your in-laws, bro. Like, blow up their family biz like that. Yea, it's pretty, it is pretty steep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing how tired you can be. Come home, need a shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I love it. I love it. The only thing that pissed me off was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was the, when the rain, when the ice stormed it, when it fucked everything up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The freak, it was, it got cold enough and it was drizzling. And the drizzle...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, like anywhere that makes sense, they do it. You know, but here you have to do it, so a lot of the branches fell and cut off power.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Los Angeles? LAPD, yeaah. It's gonna have robot dogs. They're gonna have robot dogs. It just, it got approved by the council. I don't know who else has to approve it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, come on, it's a robot, it's not racist. Yeah, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this picture is the one they're showing to the council when they vote, but the final ones are gonna have a mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but, but imagine, imagine hearing that, then the explosion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah man, cause they got, man, we have a whole lot of ways to kill a motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the person controlling you is like miles away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I think people are gonna do honestly? They're gonna train real dogs to fuck with these dogs. You think so?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm imagining they're gonna have these dogs patrolling. It's not gonna just be like, they show up and the cops show up. They're gonna have these dogs running around the neighborhood. And they're gonna probably make it like illegal to fuck with one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, that's, that's, see it's getting, it's getting, see this is why I always


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say thank you, and I apologize when I say shit to my Google assistant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you say, if you say to your Google, if you say, fuck you bitch, you know what she'll say back? She's like, I may, I may, I may not, I may be fake, but my feelings are real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I was arguing with my producer about this shit, but they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The touring test is like the test if something is alive or not or whatever. And I didn't realize, because everyone I brought it up to, people have real strong feelings about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, some people are like, I'll never see, I'll never see a robot that's alive. I don't give a fuck what it does. Cause it's just pretending to be human. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the real kicker. Well, two things. One, it doesn't matter how you fucking feel about it. If the robot's like, yo, I don't wanna die and you're like, I'ma shut you off anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, I'll fucking kill you before I die, right? So, but also the thing about this, the higher you raise the bar for what's considered as alive as us, then you have to lower the bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you, you exclude some humans. Sure. Like some people that have like developmental problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So are they non-human? Like if you raise the bar so high, where it's like, oh no, they have to be able to do this, this, and that. Well, then this mothafucka can't do that. So it's like, I'm just going to be respectful until I find out what's what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no, no. You're wrong. So this is like, you can do like deep fake porn, where you can tell the AI like, make me porn with whoever. With whoever's in it. And they can make fake people and make porno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he got caught making a porn, uh, or watching a porn of another big streamer who was also like his friend's wife or girlfriend or something. That was AI generated? Yea, like he was in the middle of a stream and accidentally closed a window and it showed


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What he was watching and it was pouring up with her face. And it was his friend, like his, another, another street, they all fuck each other. Oh they do? Yea, it's like a real, it's like working in a restaurant I guess. Like everyone's fucking each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she, she wanted, she was upset about it, like, stop objectifying me and this and that, but it's like, there's nothing you can do to stop it. You cannot stop that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So right now you can tell when it's not real because it doesn't do hands right for some reason. Oh really? Yea, it can't do hands. Deepfake stuff? No, the AI generated people like you. Oh, and their hands are not in the photo as you say that. Yea. You don't really see their hands. Their hands are always weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gets things like little things wrong like that. Look, see where her skin's all bunched up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's, it's gonna, it's gonna learn. Cause every, every, every, cause, cause someone's gonna point this AI at, at Pornhub. Yeah. And once it watches every porn, it'll be able to... Spot, spot AI by looking at the hands. See, see how the hands are all, are like weird? Yeah. It always fucks them up for some reason. It doesn't get, it can't get them right yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Ivanka Trump. Somebody put both of them in a, uh... In a porn? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's the new thing. You can just tell it who. You can just say. AI porn generator? Yep. Generate porn with this for fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, and you know it's inevitable, like once your fans get a hold of this, it's gonna be you and Burt for sure. I think you just made it available. Yea, they're gonna put you and Burt in a cave. I was butt fucking in a cave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he always does. Right. Like, out of unusually gross? No, no, standard gross. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I was thinking about Bird is like, uh, cause I love that guy. Because he, he has this like intermittent genius.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That it, it almost pisses you off. And I was wondering like, when does it click in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love how your impression of Burt is not, you're not even attempting to sound like Burt, you just sound like you have food in your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew I wouldn't be back because I was like, oh, cause like, cause like Mark Norman and the boys, like they, they can drink with this motherfucker. I can't, you get like, I can do it for like one or two days and then I'm like, I'm 40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, uh, like, you ever watch an anime? You know how hungry people eat in an anime? Where they're just like... I thought he would eat like that, but he eats like a normal person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you're not repairing shit when you're not sleeping. That's true. Your liver's getting fucked up. You know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he? He's gotta be. Yeaah. He's not diabetic or anything like that, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, paying attention to it more. Yeah. Burt's in the, he's in his, he's in the fitness though. He's in his cheat decade or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying. I got a, I got a roll machine. That's great. That's so good for you. Yeah. It's, it don't even take that long, man. That shit will wear you out. Full body workout every morning. Damn. I'm trying to lock in. Do you try to do it first thing or do you? Yeah. Yeah, I try to do, I try to do it first thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's all these ways to be healthy. That's why nobody feels sorry for the unhealthy nowadays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't want to shame. The lady that started the, or she was very prevalent in the body positivity movement on TikTok, she came out recently and was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all, it's all, it's bullshit, like, take care of yourself, cause now she's starting to have all the health problems. I KNEW IT! Right? And they- I called it. And they jumped down her fucking throat, like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, you know, old bitch, you know, cause it's like, it's that kind of thing. So it's like, you can't tell people shit, but it is true. You should love yourself and value, your value isn't attached to like how, how fit you are, whatever the fuck, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obesity isn't a problem for people that don't have enough. It's for people that have just enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like if you look at all the poor countries in the world, like the only fat people are the people that are like rich and like, or like skimming money, you know what I mean? The warlords and shit are fat. But in America it's like the fat people are the people that have just enough to eat like shit. The people that have, the people that don't have anything to eat aren't fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so the horse- The drop down. 15% of the horse was like 189.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess we all gotta learn this the hard way, but don't let people give you tattoos in languages you don't speak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, mine was correct, but I really rolled the dice. You did? Yeaah. What'd you get? I have a lion on my shoulder with a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got lady hips. You gotta have like Patrick Mahomes hips to get away with a side. A side trout that looks like a three year old drip? Yeaah, this is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this like the Targaryen house sigil? Yours is such shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well that's, yeaah, that's embarrassing. Stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we really did a 180, cause at first it was like, that's hot. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. And I don't know, what was it like, 90?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it was like, oh it was sexy, they're getting back tattooed, lower back tattoos is what we called them. Yeah. And then like real quick, after girls gone wild, it fucked it all up. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's why I want people to stop shaming that lady cop that fucked, you know, her whole precinct. Because I try to tell the young kids whenever I'm on stage and it comes up, I'm like, look, my generation, we did it with Monica Lewinsky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw one that said thank you for your cervix and I laugh at it like every other day. But still, I don't want to embarrass this woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're all doing human things. As we speak, Austin City Council is arguing with the police union about their contract.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you would have some kind of interactions with your co-workers that's consensual, you know, as long as you still...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they try to control it. They try to tell us no fucking when we went. You know, cause it's like, there's like four women in the whole unit, you know, but it's like, they all getting fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, she really has her choice too. Yeah, exactly. The thing about it, even if you're a five in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like that, but I just mean, it's her, obviously. Like, none of the women in my room got like sex. At least that's what I know of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go, you do it outside. You wait till it's nighttime, you go over to Berm, you just fuck on the sand, but that's, you know, you're risking getting sand in your holes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's ups and there's positives and negatives. I think I know where you'd be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there a bus? She likes buses. I like buses. There are some, there are some buses, but they're like Iraqi, they were Iraqi buses, so they weren't like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great. They were like the size of regular buses, but they had like four cylinder engines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, if you want, if you want me to, uh, give you advice from the advice champ, I'm still the advice champ. You're the advice champ. Email me at...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] McDonald's. Cheeseburgers. McDonald's. Lay a fish. McDonald's. Chicken nuggets. McDonald's. Fries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right before you come, yeaah, I'll swallow if I want to. I have no problem swallowing. I'd stop for a minute and I'd put a big hickey on your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you come, you come, let me see, let me see how much you come. Let me see all that come. How, how much, how big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to be just wanting. I want real bad too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is it, what's with the headset? Like he's at a call center. It's terrible. Let me put it this way, you're not coarse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or gruff, but you're not pansy either. You're just right. Just, just the kind of man I want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially now for me, I thought mine was going to be easier, uh, this time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man proposes and God disposes. So don't worry about it. He knows what he's doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not Peter Murphy old, just Peter Murphy today. He's in rehab. Yes, he's had a few things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jumping on this trend to talk about 10 things I would never do after being a police officer. Number one, never let someone live with you unless you know them very, very well. Once they're at your place a certain amount of time,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two, when you buy a big item, TV, iPhone, anything like that, write down the serial number somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you can find it later. If someone steals it, if you lose it, the only way we can link it to you is the serial number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number three. I thought this one went without saying, it doesn't. Lock your car and lock your house. Your stuff will get stolen. I promise you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number four, if you get into a car accident, don't just exchange information and agree to work it out amongst each other. Call the cops, get a report. You will thank me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number five, I would never own a house or have an apartment without a camera set up on the outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nowadays it's how we solve pretty much everything we need to solve is cameras. Get a camera, they're cheap now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number six is another one I thought went without saying, but it doesn't. Don't give your information to anybody over the phone that you don't know. Social security number, bank account information.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trust me, it happens. People do it all the time. Seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you ever approached on the street at night and someone wants to know what time it is, hey, can you check what time it is? You're basically about to get robbed. Keep walking. Don't acknowledge it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Period. I don't know what they're about. I don't know what kind of things they do at their house. I gotta know them first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number nine, I don't care how friendly your dog is, how well he listens to your training. Don't be having your dog off leash when you're taking him on a walk or when you're out in public. You have no idea what your dog is going to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are animals at the end of the day. You can't control them all the time. And maybe someone else has a dog that doesn't like other dogs. Leash him up. Last one should not take a cop to tell you this. Don't drink and drive. Okay. Ever. When you've had too much to drink, do not drive. That should be a given. Respect the life of other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feel it inside of your balls. Feel the rhythm of the night in your balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drinks, drinks. Yea, I'll have a cocktail or two, but I don't like getting over the line really. I just don't enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't remember what I said. And then you just wake up and you're like, what the fuck am I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if he just goes like, he's not gonna- He's in it for the sounds. Sound effects. That's sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the reason you're whining is because you're acting like a fucking loser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the absolute best. He came over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would house like a fucking 16 ounce steak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy, I already know what this next one is. This guy. Fuckin' A. I love this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this week, I am in Latin America, March 2nd, in Argentina in Buenos Aires, March 3rd, Santiago, Chile, and March 10th, I am in Mexico City, Mexico. Uh, the shows are in English, but there'll be some Spanish stuff peppered in, of course. You can get tickets at TomSeguro.com slash tour. Gracias.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are excited to be back. A late excite. Studio Jeans. Uh, welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. I'm Tim, she's Christine. Uhm, it's been a minute. So much has happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Australia, Zealand, uhm, I've got, uhm, in Latino America, uhm, right now actually as this episode airs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then from there I go, I'm here and then I do my huge, uh, European tour. More. Europa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like 20 cities or something. I forget how many cities or shows. It's a lot. It's a lot. A lot of movement. I'm gonna start it off in your motherland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and because I got sick, here's the saddest thing that's ever happened to getting sick. Because I got sick, I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check my message. You know, you just kind of your, your brain shuts off. I was throwing up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a trash can on the side of the stage before I walk, like that's how.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't see that Rocco had DM'd me to come to the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It only smells and I were gonna DP someone that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the man is as sweet as pie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the other one that's really funny that you see with like, uhm, like hoes is like they'll do like an escaping video on Twitter. Like, don't forget to check out my new scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their next picture they'll post is like, I was with my nephew today. Look how adorable this kid is. And you're like, Hey lady, your branding is way off. Well, I don't want to see you as a person. Yeah. Yeah. Like you're a Gaper. Just keep it, keep the lane straight and real. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, like, the weird ho thing to do is, they're, the reason you know them, the reason they have an account that people follow, is because they're, like, they do ho shit, right? They're like, here's my titties, here's my ass, I like to, like, that's their, that's their whole- It's a bread and butter. And then, they go, my social account,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is just gonna be me. I like baking.


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[Assistant] I like, I love music, and they'll, they'll put, and then when someone's like, nice ass, they're like,


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[Assistant] You know, that's not what I like to hear. It's like, that's why any, that's anybody who knows you. They know you because of that. Like, I understand that you might not want to hear it all the time, but you can't get mad at people for pointing out how your ass looks great in the video.


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[Assistant] Well, because that's what I comment. You can see all my comments. My comments are public and I'm always like, nice tits, baby!


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[Assistant] And then when a girl calls me out, I go, but all I follow this for is to see your fucking tits in your ass bitch. And I, you know, that's just who I am.


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[Assistant] No, but I do see those interactions and it makes me always roll my eyes.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think we do either. It's fine. It's fine to have secrets. I just feel strongly that if you're a hoe...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The previous post has three dicks in your mouth. Could you not? Could you not? You know? I dunno.


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[Assistant] This is like when one of those hoes replies to one of my comments. I get so excited.


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[Assistant] That's my most popular comment. I usually, I usually write come now harder.


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[Assistant] He's making videos, are you sure? It looks like he is. I know. Yeah. Alright, well why don't we end?


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[Assistant] You don't want some lady being like, you know, it's important to have a clean apartment when women come over. No, he's talking to you like your friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is yeaah. And I know. And I've lived, obviously, I've had one guy roommate, two guy roommates, and like, it's... You can tell who's getting laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, you know, it's true. If it wasn't for women and the prospect of getting laid or like continuing to get laid, everything would be filthy. I don't know.


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[Assistant] I think it's just, there's an effort involved that we're like, mm, you know, who cares? We're barbarians at our core, you know? And that usually, I think a guy who's like really on top of his cleanliness, like without women being involved,


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[Assistant] You're kinda like, what the fuck is up with you? You know? Like, something's weird about you.


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[Assistant] If there's a guy who's really into being clean and he's, and it has nothing to do with women, something's weird about the guy.


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[Assistant] Maybe, but also, no, even if he's straight, you're like, there's something socially different about the guy. There's something awkward with the guy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think, I don't know why we don't care, but if you put a bunch of dudes together, you know, think about like, soldiers or like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, stuff does happen, and it feels good, but, yeah.


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[Assistant] A real problem? You'd have to be a real pig for us to get to that level.


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[Assistant] I mean, you have to be, you're, you're now another type of anomaly. You're really super gross. If you're like, I got a dick rash.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but you're right, because you guys are, you know, you're bleeding out of your holes.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. I remember the one time this lady was like, could you help me out? And she, yeah, she was like, can you, can you like me up? Cause I don't have my pads. And I was like, yeah. And it took so long. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Wait, why? This was on Jeopardy?


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[Assistant] It's crazy. It's like that Matt Damon movie where he's like in space for years and they never talk about jerking off once the whole movie. Like, you never thought to do that in space?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And are, are, is everyone suppressing their masturbating in space for that long? I understand if it's a two week trip, it doesn't have to come up. You guys are up there for like a year, and this is not gonna be a topic we talk about? Dumping, cumming, and pissing?


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[Assistant] Dude, imagine, imagine you're in, you're doing work at the space station, and a load floats by you that somebody forgot to dispose of. That's what I'm saying! Jizz floating, and you're like...


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[Assistant] It would be, it would be an extraordinary cost.


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[Assistant] These guys are like in their fifties. I don't think they're having wet dreams.


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[Assistant] Well, sure. I mean, their testosterone's down, they're not like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me know when you meet him. Uhm, by the way,


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[Assistant] It's uhm, there's something that I wanted to say. Uhm, we put a lot of promo into it and I think people know that it happened, but I don't want to ruin anything by discussing it here on the show, but I had my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basketball game with David Walter.


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[Assistant] The meteorologist from Erie, Pennsylvania. And what we're going to be doing instead of discussing it on the show is we're going to be releasing a stand-alone full recap of everything that happened. Uhm, and without giving anything away, I just want to be, I don't know, I just want to say this to David.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's all I'll say. But uhm, you'll see everything. Everything. The lead up, every point.


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[Assistant] The whole thing, it's uhm, it's all going down. Well, it's all, it's gone down and now you'll, you'll see exactly how it went.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Guy, he really, I gotta say, those videos he posted, high quality stuff man.


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[Assistant] He did. Uhm, the other thing I will say is, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been a lot of fun getting people to do the I love yous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't know, we've been encouraging people to say, I love you at the drive through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But years ago we had a drive through fun game. It was like, thank you mommy. Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Hi mommy, thanks jeans. And thanks mommy, thanks jeans.


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[Assistant] And now we recently, I started saying I love you to the Starbucks drive through people.


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[Assistant] And then we told you guys, and then you started doing it. It's so fun.


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[Assistant] All right, uh, Minzy, this is Andrew coming up here. That was Joel. This is Andrew in Kentucky.


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[Assistant] Yeah. That's who's gonna like, recognize. Who's paying attention.


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[Assistant] Most of the time they're not. That's why Hi Mommy Thanks Jeans was like 99% were like, yep, they don't register what you're saying. Cause they're on autopilot. You know?


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[Assistant] And I said, I tore my stomach lining. Yeah. Yeah. That was in the South Bay actually. Yeah. She was like, good. And she just like nodded and she was like, that's nice. Good. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I'm teaming up with DraftKings to give all new customers a winning offer. All new customers have to do is sign up for DraftKings using my promo code MOM. Put at least $5 on a pregame money line for any basketball game and you'll receive an additional $150 in bonus bets if your bet wins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, new customers bet just $5 on a pregame moneyline for any basketball game and you'll get $150 in bonus bets deposited in your account if your bet wins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wondering what you could use $150 in bonus bets on? Try out Same Game Parleys, where you can combine multiple bets from one game, like which player will score first and which team will be winning at halftime for an even bigger winning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If mobile sports betting is not yet available in your state, don't worry. You can still get in on the fun with DraftKings Daily Fantasy. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. New customers use promo code M-O-M. Bet $5.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On a pre-game money line, for any basketball game, you get $150 in bonus bets if your bet wins. That's promo code MOM ONLY at DraftKings Sportsbook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, it's been a little over a week, but, um, I went to the Daytona 500.


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[Assistant] It was, first of all, I have to say, that is incredibly well put together. Like you don't...


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[Assistant] You have a full appreciation for how organized something has to be.


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[Assistant] There was over a hundred thousand people. Oh my god. And first even like the...


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[Assistant] Like Sean came, and he's a, he's a photographer. So he had to go through. A photographer I think. Yea, to take photographs. You had to go through like a series of like checks and a meeting to get his photography press.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. And, and then there's people that are trying to get that and they're not allowed in to even the online media thing. And then he's cleared for it. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we had, we were invited by NASCAR to do this. So we did a live Two Bears at their fan experience, you know, center where they have like music and all this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you, you realize the scale and scope of something like this, like this is their Super Bowl, you know, this is like such a huge event for them. It's obviously, you know, been happening for years, but it just gets like a lot of these things that gets bigger and bigger and bigger and just how, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just how many people are involved in making things run well? There's people in the stands, there's people with their RVs and their cars and like these, like the grass slots. There's, you know, areas where the public can go, areas that are ticketed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People like, we're considered VIPs, we go in here, there's a golf cart path that like, they're not allowed to breach, cars can't go here, and you just see like how many people are involved in making this all work seamlessly.


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[Assistant] The, the show's a lot of fun. Burt, by the way, is.


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[Assistant] They pull, they brought him on a golf cart from where his bus was parked. He's shirtless. So he's like most of the people at the...


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[Assistant] Like his fan base. Oh yea, yea. And they're going cra- I mean people are going crazy, like screaming for him. We, we do the podcast and they're, they're just going, you know, they're all just all screaming when Burt's drinking. He's like in full Burt mode.


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[Assistant] Then we go from there to do like the pre-race stuff, like meet certain people, go into this, uh, meet drivers. Absolutely everybody's like brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


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[Assistant] All of them have like a, almost all of them have the same line. Because after we do the podcast and we're walking around,


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[Assistant] I would say 8 out of 10 people go, I don't recognize what you're shirt on, man.


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[Assistant] No, but I mean like that's the thing he's cultivated, so they're all, and they're all like, overjoyed.


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[Assistant] To say it, and to meet him, and he is like...


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[Assistant] Uh, somebody, like a senator, he's like, like just everybody is like posing, wanting pictures, like wanting to tell him, I was at this thing. Like they all are going crazy. I mean, it was like being with, you know, Kevin Hart at NBA All-Star weekend. Like, you know, it was, he was like, they went fucking.


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[Assistant] Nuts. I was invisible. I would stand next to him and they would be like, excuse me. Hey man. And then he would go, oh, this is Tom. And they go, oh, hey man.


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[Assistant] Burt! Like, they would go fucking nuts. And then I go, these are your fans, dude. This is your fan base. And he goes, it's your fan base too, dickhead. And I go, no it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are your fans, dude. They went crazy for him. And then we went in and we met, uhm,


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[Assistant] Coach Norvell, the head coach of FSU was there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was fuckin' super fun and he, it was just like, I'd never experienced anything like that. Uhm, being, we got to go in pit row.


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[Assistant] Before the race, so first we got to meet, we met Jeff Gordon, you know, legendary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hall of fame racer and all these great people. And then we got to be right there in the pit as they started their engines. That's cool. The flyovers, the F-18s like fly over and they do all these aerial tricks, which was amazing. And, um,


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah. No no, that was exactly what it was like. That's rad.


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[Assistant] How many different cultures exist in this country? And that is one of the, like the cultures of America that is actually significant. And you can go your whole life without stepping into it, but it is an experience. I will say this, they put together an incredible event. Like putting that on is such an impressive event.


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[Assistant] Seeing like, seeing, the people are just joyful at this thing. I mean, everyone's so excited to be there. Like the noise, the atmosphere, you know, those cars start up and you're like, holy shit. And then they start going, they're going 200 miles an hour, you know, around this thing. It was, it was an event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean, Burt definitely met his match. It is NASCAR. It is NASCAR. And like, we, you know, obviously,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're always in different places, so he's just like, he's like, just have somebody kind of on my level if you're gonna hang out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it was the same kind of experience, you know, being in New Zealand with him, everybody's like Aquaman, Aquaman, you know, it was, it was pretty wild, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the thing was? I was judging the people so hard that were excited to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we gotta do it, we gotta wrap, we gotta go. Uhm, we'll be back in just a moment with our guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are so happy that this finally worked out.


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[Assistant] I will say that I think, um, yeaah, I'm actually certain that I was fooled the first time. And that's the best compliment you can get. Got your ass. You got my ass. Where I was like, look at this fucking bitch. And like, and she's such a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best! And we always like, you know, it's one of those things, cause we play so many clips on this show, that sometimes, you'll play and you're like, look at this motherfucker. And then later on, someone's like, that was, and you're like, they got me. And part of you goes, fuck. But then part of you goes, okay, kudos for doing it well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You pick specifics, like the more specific a character, the more details, the more well-rounded and the more you believe it. Yeaah. You know, because people sometimes do like impressions or characters and there's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no detail to it, and you're like, well that's why it doesn't really go anywhere. But you gotta have like character traits that you built, a well-rounded, it's like a, that's why I like a television series where they're doing, you know, they're doing 8, 10, 12 episodes.


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[Assistant] So I think, I think this is the first video that I remember seeing, was you...


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[Assistant] With, eating fast food with someone in the car, right?


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[Assistant] I think that's why, when there's a character that someone really nails, it's because a little bit of them has that character in them.


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[Assistant] That's ridiculous. That's a real person though. Oh yeaah. Yeaah. Oh yeaah. You met, I mean in Oklahoma, you met some real, some real Tammys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what were you like, like looking back and uh, were you party girl? Were you like- Oh, hell no. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well he can't be out, you know, like, you know, blowing your cover. Oh no.


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[Assistant] Did you let them, did you tell them I'm doing this, keep it down, or no, you can't let them in on it?


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[Assistant] I always feel like this is, there's such a story, like, there's such a curiosity when you meet somebody, especially that's like in your age range where you're like, whoa, whoa, we grow up basically around the same time. Yeah. And we all know what like high school and college and like doing the road and all that is like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just find that like, I mean, I kind of get what you're saying. For instance, I just found that like anytime I have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it wild to you that uhm, you had food stamps and then now you have this career where you're like, like there's the amount of money that you make now has to be like shit you couldn't comprehend, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amounts that like you now are, are like in your, in your wheelhouse or just things that like it would have sounded like somebody's year salary. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instagram also, cause I love Instagram, that's my favorite social media platform personally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's this thing now where it's like, you go log in and they'll be like, hey, we took down this post. And it's like from 18 months ago and you're like, what? And then it says like, yeah, violated it. I guess somebody reported it that day or something. And you're like, this is such a bummer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem with these, with the social media stuff is really just the inconsistency of what, of the rules they apply. Right. Cause you're like, that doesn't, what is that dude? Right. That doesn't make any sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That might be the way to go is building shows. Cause they keep growing. I know that like Whitney did the, um, the roast of Burt and that was like OnlyFansTV. I mean, they're obviously going to keep producing stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. That shit went away, I felt like, with swiftness. Big time. It was just like, everybody was like, I was like, Jesus Christ, with the, and then it was just like, we're done, mine's gone. Wild. Why did it end again? I already forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and it also coincided, like their decline coincided, if I remember correctly, with Instagram being like, you can do short videos on art, right, cause you couldn't. Right, until they have just photos. They're like, we'll just, you know what, you can do short videos on this platform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the way, that's the way everybody should, should be spoken to when they request something like that. Like I'd like a vegan, uh, sugar dip drop and you just go, no ma'am, no ma'am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was post production on reality shows, so I was a post coordinator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're just basically, you know, you're, you, you have the whole post schedule, you're making sure that editors know what they, it's, it's a very just kind of, you know, not an exciting job, but, and then my part time, the last part time one that I had, which was a couple years after that, was I would be a site rep for, uhm, locations companies, so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, uh, you know, if you put your house, your house is available to shoot at for a, for a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go and make sure that the production doesn't fuck up your house. Right? And it's also just sit around stuff. Like you just literally are just sitting there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did it at a restaurant there and then uhm, but those were like, those weren't my last ones. Those were like earlier, earlier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Barista's like, that is the, has turned into the most queer friendly job in the United States. Yea, especially in Austin. If you walk into any barista, anywhere, anywhere, it has become, that is the job where if you are missing a limb,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of non-drinkers, we found this guy who doesn't drink. I don't know if this resonates with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's something that is fun. Do you remember, uhm, a few months ago, uh, Ilaria Baldwin, uh, Alec Baldwin's wife, mother of their seven children, uhm, got into like a little bit of, it became a thing where she was, you know, speaking English with a Spanish accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So embarrassing. Play it again, play the how do you say. She obviously knew the word cucumber, she blurted that out. She didn't say, how do you, she didn't even say how do you say this, how do you say, which is like what a English as a second language speaker would say. How do you say, eme, oh, can, you know, like. So great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, anyway, so then the trial of uhm, Alec starts, I guess, for, you know how he killed somebody? So, he shot someone in the fucking face, and it's like, not his fault. Uhm, so I guess the trial is starting, I believe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as the trial kicked off, in New York, as they do in New York, or if you're in LA, you're a celebrity and you're on trial for something like shooting, killing somebody. You know, the press has been heavier, president, outside his, their apartment, so she, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I stopped and talked to the press, uh, after like a couple days, and it's, it feels like Spanish Hilaria is back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's, she's like, I am not going to say anything, and Alec is not going to say anything, okay? What's she doing that for? I think she's just back into her, maybe she's just speaking a lot of Spanish lately, it's hard to shake. You know, so her accent, it's just such a strange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's scary to be, I've been, I've held gun on a set and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there is a protocol that happens. First of all, they don't just go, here it is. A guy comes over, whoever's in the scene comes around you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they go, this is what we're doing for this scene. He's going to pull this gun out. Then they, if it has a magazine, they empty that, they pull the, they clear the chamber like six times. They're like, everybody see that there's nothing in here. If it's a revolver, same thing, they open the revolver, they spin it and they, eh, this is what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get to the point where you're like, alright, this is not a gun that's gonna fire. Right. So obviously. That didn't happen. This story is just wild because you're like, well how did it go from that, which is standard


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I like that feeling. It's the same thing of like when you see, uh, like a six month old baby. You're like, oh man, I remember when my kid was six month old. It was so cute. I like to go back to that for like a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, she's misleading you. She's doing this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a lot of stuff. And I'll admit, it's not appropriate, but I also feel like they'll get over that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, it's like, yeah, so come down and beware of the black fist, right? Jesus Christ. To illustrate motherfucking killers in the mist, take a shuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, anyways, they were, they were like, I mean, by the end of this song, Ellis had his fist in the air, right? No, he didn't. Yea, he did. Fist in the air, and he was like, I get it, and then, uhm, our youngest, Julian, he was just sitting back there like this, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's great. Boys do love it. Like little boys go. Like you know what their thing is now, right now at night? So at night we go into their room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, hey guys, get in bed. We've read you brush teeth. All right, lay down. And they're like, all right, tell us a couple of stories about when you had diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all you do is like, you just tell them like, I had crazy diarrhea and I doubled over and it smelled bad and it was filling up the toilet. And they are like, like doubled over, tears, tears. And they're like, and then when they're done, they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I grew out of it. I evolved. I was kinda over it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was exaggerating. Here's the thing, I'm not asking for, hey, no fart shit ever happened. Yeah. It's just the other day I'm in bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm laying there. The day is starting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Pick something up, turns around, farts. I go, hey, what the fuck, man? Yeah. And she's like, oh don't tell me you're gonna like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, this marriage is now on the rocks because of a fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the couple, here's a psychologist and sex therapist, Shannon Chavez agrees saying that being able to pass gas is a sign of a better sex life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She even apologized to her husband, which she said, which she said he did, but he still feels, um, she still feels his disappointment. She's still feeling conflicted, although she knows farting is normal. Her husband finds it distasteful and she doesn't want to disappoint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that also is not even about her in front of him, like she has an actual medical issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's wild. You have another video, cause you do your podcast with, uh, Paige. Yeah. Paige Jen. Paige Jen. Uhm, and there's a video, I've seen it multiple times where she's laying naked. Yep. Uhm, but like face down, like hand on the elbow. When you see part of her ass cheeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Legs in the air, cro- There you go. Oh, it's right there. I've seen this over the years many times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sitting here thinking, I can't stop thinking about what her, she has to have a good Pajitski effect. So why don't you tell her what that is and what your latest one is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we would always like take turns plugging in and then you go like, why are we doing this? Why don't we just go buy more of these? You know, like it's just, and then what's another one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I don't understand what you're talking about. I go, but why would you rinse it with cold water? And she's like, just happened to do it. That's what I've been doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I realized, oh, this is like, you know, it's dry out. I should do something. It's like, oh, you put on chapstick. I realized I've never put on, you know, I don't put on lipstick. I don't put on chapsticks. I don't know what I'm doing. So I was like, oh, the logical thing would be like open your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I would felt like, oh, if I did it like, the way you're supposed to, that there's no way it would get on your lips correctly. So I opened my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I've been like, oh, I walk in this area and then I walk up this hill. It's a steep incline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it takes, it's steep, it's not that long though. So it takes like two minutes of like grinding to get up it. So then I, you know, I take him on, he's like, this is a great hill. I'm like, yeah, you know, it sucks that it's only, it's only this distance. You can only, you can do it in a couple of minutes, but that's it. And he was like, just do it again. And I was like, what? He's like, you could just do it a bunch of times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, espresso is funny only because it's uhm, people that baristas, like people that work in a coffee place would be like, would you like a shot of espresso? And you're like, it's written on the board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think people think we're making fun of him when the actual joke was like, what if there was a message that made your sleep mask not bougie? We probably could have chosen another one, but we stuck to what was said in the podcast, which was easy head eight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my point of view on this is that everyone has different requirements to sleep well. Personally, I like complete blackout, blackout. I don't like a little bit of light. So for years, you know, I was always complaining about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what it actually made me think about is a couple things. First of all, how, in some ways,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't ever really, like it's good to really never grow up. Like this is what a kid would do. Uhm, he's a harmless guy. I think it would, I think it would be creepy to visit him. I think you'd be in there and you'd be like this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is fantastic. Let's, uhm, so for you and the podcast, let's remind everybody everywhere they can see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got that website? I got it. OnlyFans is at trailer trash Tammy. Yup. Uhm, YouTube channel is Chelsea Lynn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean I'm not a big pizza guy, but if I do eat pizza I do like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's like 20, that means like 20, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom always told me if she dies to like sneak in with some pliers and pull out all her silver fillings before she gets like buried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's been a while. I think the last time I was on, it was that gross story I told about the butt maybe, I don't know. It constantly comes up on my recommended videos. You ate shit. You ate shit out of someone's butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's the best thing is I met her off Snapchat, uh,


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[Assistant] She knew everything about me and so she sent me a message and she got in my DMs and then when I started dating her and stuff like that, every time I would say something like, oh that's, she goes, I already know who that is, that's the one that you know, shit in your mouth, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm just having an eager butt to shit. I don't know, I feel like I always have to shit. Really? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm so sick of all the food. I live somewhere where it's pretty awesome and awful at the same time. It's every single, like, In-N-Out, Wendy's, McDonald's, like everything you could possibly want, franchise-wise, but no like really nice, like, mom-and-pop restaurants at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's more like, I don't know, jersey subs, jersey mics or whatever and- You gotta get away from that. Yeah, I know, I know. You're gonna start shitting less. You think it is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I need to do that. I just started T and uh, you know, because I just have zero energy. I noticed like, maybe like, COVID time, my energy level went from like, I don't know, six, seven to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got some tea. What did you test for? Do you know, like, your number? What it was? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, how much, how much are you taking? Uh, I don't, it's like once a week, uh, I think it's, is it four? One forty? Did you inject it? One forty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Units. Like you fill up a syringe? They just do it and put it in my ass. 140 units?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I don't know, I just got tested last week, so I find out tomorrow, but uh. Okay. But yea. I'm excited for you. I haven't felt anything though, it's only been six weeks or so, I haven't felt anything. I thought it was going to be like, ehh, you know. Yea. I don't really feel it yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you gotta do this test. That was interesting because they were, they went through everything. You know, you always think that you're dying. Especially my liver. I'm always like, Oh God, I don't want to hear about my liver. But they're like, everything's fine. You know, you're just a little low on vitamin D. They always say that. Everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, I think like seven years, maybe. Dang. Maybe more? Seven years? Yeaah. It's so crazy right? Yeaah. Seven years, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody at the grocery, somebody at the grocery store, like we were in line and, uh, uh, the cashier was talking to us and she, you guys, your daughter's so well behaved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Yeah. Have you ever been with an older woman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you what though, I've fallen in love with special people, uh, more ever since Tik Tok came out. Half of my Tik Toks, like I follow all these families and stuff. It's great. Retarded families? Yeah. You just did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? I don't know. I think they take like the skin here and then like pretty much pull your hairline down a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I don't like the look, like you said, like there's some celebrities where you just see them and you're like, oh god, what is with this guy now? Like the eyes or something, you got that like, I don't know, carrot top look or something like that. Too much. It's too much, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's wrong with his mouth? That looks like one of those fake mouths that they, they put like a CGI on top to make somebody else talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And plus, young girls seem to love guys, like dads now and dadbods, that's so popular right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you know what's even worse is when older women get that like, that pink hue or whatever, like that weird color of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you trying to be? What is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, she could probably get Ari Shaffir's balls in there too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would say like, that long maybe? No. No, no, no, no, seriously, like, like crazy long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're probably longer now, but uh, last time I saw them was like maybe seven years ago, so. Yeah, they're crazy long. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and his balls look like they're a bag of skittles. Like if he like squeezes them, it's just a bunch of like skittles in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? We'll believe it. I heard another person's coming. Uh, you're going to believe it, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's pants inside out too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he seems like an idiot, but I mean, I get it. Like, if you were fucked over by a really hot girl, and then like, you know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like at work the next day and you're like, you're just like, wow, I could still smell her. That's kind of hot. Yeah. Yeah. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That dude's gonna go to the Philippines and hook up with a woman that has a dick too. How much do you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Breastfeeding videos, but with like, the same kind of music like TikToks have, like- Why is that happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. You never liked them once? Never. My Instagram has always been like hot woman's butts and tits and stuff like that. Well there you go, the tits was what impressed me. But yea, I think that, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because look, it's just all women's butts and breasts. Like this is what Instagram recommends. Look, there's one. Look, it's just a hot chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she thinks that everything's fine, but I, I'm showing her all these awesome, like these hot girls breastfeeding and she's like, Brian, you better stop. That's bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't like breastfeeding. I like tits, but in, and you know, when they're breastfeeding, they're, you know, puffier and you know, stuff like that. Oh, sure. I like that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you watch breastfeeding? Like do you drink alcohol? No, no. Okay. No, but it is cool like seeing like these hot chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, when I, you know, I had to get prescription glasses and I, you know, I'm 48 and I haven't had glasses in my whole life and like the first day I got them I was waiting at a car wash and I'm just sitting there and the girl, this woman was breastfeeding her baby and so I'm just sitting there going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's really popular. It's, uh, you, uh, go on like a date and you sit down and you, you know, you talk for like a couple minutes and then that's the red light turns on in the middle. And when that, that means whoever hits it first, if you want to get out of the date,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then that person has to leave and then you get like a new person in front of you. So it's really interesting like watching two people like, wow, you seem very nice. And then like goes on, you're both, they're both kind of looking at the button, you know, it's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's like, bullshit, but it's so addicting to watch kind of shit. What's it on? Uh, I don't know, cause I've only seen reaction videos to it on YouTube. It's called Cut? It's Cut, I think. It's on YouTube. It's on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and sometimes it's like, they don't want to be rude and just like kind of talking more and they see the red light on and they're still talking, but then, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, just a titanium rod in my tooth. That's about it. Whaaat? Alright, my skull.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got a projector that like sits right in front of your wall and shoots straight up and so you don't have like a projector on the other side of the wall anymore so you can just have a projector and it's like a 150 inch laser HD screen, uh, I got, uh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, VR stuff, uhm, got so much VR shit. Like, you do, you guys do VR at all? No, I wanna, I wanna get it. You gotta. Can I tell you something? Uh, uh, Oculus Quest 2 is a good one to start off at, you know? It's cause you don't need a computer, you can just put it on, you know, it has battery, you can lay in bed like a porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you could sit in bed and it will make it look like you'll feel that you're in an IMAX movie theater and the screen is so huge, but you can just sit there and look at fucking porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you could do that also. They actually have webcam porn where it's like girls and it feels like you're in the room sitting next to her and you could talk back and forth to her while she's like fingering herself and shit. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are they? Yeah. When you see the whites of your eyes, that's the outer eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You probably already have, but the tits, I got my girlfriend, like the big tit thing that you put on like that, and she just wears it out at Target and shit, like no bra, and it's hilarious. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sit up. Let's go on a date. Alright. You come over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies and gentlemen, this episode is brought to you by Satva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit. Go there and get two hundred dollars off any mattress of your choice. I'm a huge fan. I've slept on all of them. You gotta try one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it tells people, I shop on Etsy. I like to shop on Etsy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I, uh, you know what's funny too is they're always like, oh you grew so much over the summer, but it's really just two months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just thinking that if, like, I don't go without seeing our kids for two months generally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always, I always did. My mother would be like, you grow so much in the summertime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's why she would send me to like Tarzana Park day camp and stuff, like all these shitty day camps. You're going to learn, you're going to grow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, like there was a summer, it's the same summer I started to smoke cigarettes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I came back to school and I remember I was playing softball in P.E.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was running to second base and he goes, damn, Christina sprouted over the summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Titties. You literally get sexually harassed like overnight. It's tripped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her first name was Shelby, I'm not gonna say more. But I have vivid memories of Shelby's tits and being like, bro, she had, like you said, like fucking melones, right? Like cantaloupes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wasn't the whore, there was other chicks that were whores, but it wasn't that girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, when did people, cause I remember in 7th grade people getting fingered in the movie theater after school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now as an adult woman, you're like, well, yeah, I mean, think about it. The pussy, as you say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is a portal. It's literally a canal, a flesh canal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like damp and bacteria collect and then it's a portal into your fucking internal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, do you know that after you give birth, the doctor tells you not to go swimming?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's interesting to hear why you think a woman's puss-puss stinks, because I also think it's hormonal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The skin on the outside of us not properly clean and also think about everything inside of our uterus has to come out of our vag. If you saw a period, you would not be that thrilled about pussies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never. He wouldn't be like, you're really beautiful. Like that's too on the nose. You're like, oh, you know, he gets to pretend like, you know, know about their lives and stuff. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'll start chatting with the server and then I do find out something about them we have in common. Now every time they come over, I feel the pressure to have a meaningful exchange because we've set that precedence of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fun times. I remember my dad, we used to go to Riverside to hang out with my uncle and relatives there, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And dude, they would get ripped all day. Like Hungarians just drinking. All day. Fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ripped and then we get in the car and just drive back to Los Angeles. And I remember when I, by the time I was 15, I was like, this isn't good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, dad, I don't think you should drink and drive. And like, he and my stepmom got so mad at me for even saying anything like, what are you talking about? Your father is not drunk. He is not a drunk. He is not even, and you're like, uhm, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's how people rolled. You had 20 drinks today, yeaah. And the 90s. Yeaah, so what? So what, you fucking pussy. Yeaah. So crazy dude. Stop being a bitch about it. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I have to say that it has made you appear more youthful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know somebody in my life, Jean, who I've known my whole life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not make your life easier? You get groceries delivered to the house. Why not bring all of the stuff that you can do at the post office to your home?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With so much of our world digitized or automated, why stick to old school mailing and shipping? Stamps.com. It's a post office in your office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Postage rates just increased again but luckily stamps.com has the best discounts in the industry. For 25 years stamps.com has been indispensable


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For over one million businesses, get access to the USPS and UPS services you need right from your computer anytime, day or night. No lines, no traffic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No waiting. We've used stamps.com for years and I cannot advocate switching to stamps.com enough. It really saves time and money and it's efficient and it's so much easier than going to the post office. What a nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go. Avoid the hassle and get started with Stamps.com today. Sign up at Stamps.com slash mom for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy, Tom. Yeah, that's, that's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very exfoliating. It's gentle. It actually works. Cause I, I, I do wake myself up snoring a lot. Um, and now since I broke my ankle, I sleep with so many pillows. We have like 80 pillows on our mat between my legs and then under my head and I'm fully fortified with pillows. Never since pregnancy too. I do like a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He likes to always ask the woman, if you had a magic wand, what would be your perfect man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And don't go straight for the clitoris. Aim for one o'clock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, because if he's all about you and like servant servicing you, like then I don't know what his vibe is. Then this whole thing is like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She hates, yeaah, she hates Sarah Jessica Parker. Specifically, I think. She just thinks Sarah Jessica is a mean lady. That's the word on the street. They just didn't get along during filming. She thinks she's rude. Uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like, Sarah commented on, when Kim Control's brother died, Sarah Jessica Parker commented on her social media and was like, I'm so sorry for your loss. And she was like, don't comment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And act like you're a human being on my social media. So it's very, you know, but that's cool. You know, we'll see. Bobby Lee's probably in, I think Bobby Lee is in this, so that should be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he came back for the next season. I have not watched. Boy, they really ruined this fucking show though, didn't they? They really made it a bummer. Hopefully, ugh, and then Che that, ugh, god. Well, let's see, maybe they can rescue it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty simple stuff. Babe, I think this is terrible. Like, I, I, I- And interestingly enough-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I'm saying like, do I have to sit through the whole freak show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I could just take that tongue and put it on your face and your body, and then that would be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I'm not being clear, I'm just all over the map.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I'm separating, I didn't see the end result. This is good. The end is fine. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's play the next one, then it's kinda already done. Is there more? Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My face, my face. Oh snap, on her neck bro. Oof, like on the windpipe too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn. But the stencil didn't look that bad. Like, can you back it up to where the stencil was put on there? Cause I feel like the outline...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tramp stamps. Do people send in the worst portraits they have? Do they look the least like the person they're supposed to? I think that's really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do roller coasters get stuck in the middle of the loop? Like, how is that even in physics possible? Like, isn't the force of it just gonna keep you- Like, yeah, people get stuck upside down in shit for hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Are you ready for my TikToks, dude? Oh, sure. Yeah. You have TikToks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't even say the word sex on TikTok, they'll take you down. You can't say with sex? No. You have to see, you have to use a different word, coded language. They pull down, they'll pull down everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The life partner, your life partner, your baby daddy. Like let's say this is before you had kids, you're just dating. And he's an ideal man in every way. He's your dream partner, but he loves nunchucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, once a, he's really into nunchucks and he does the shit in your apartment. And he's always like, once a day, look at my routine. Is that a deal breaker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I feel like the cold plunge is his nunchucks right now. And the VR goggles are a real pussy dryer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you'd be a deal breaker for me, a Disney adult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And isn't that interesting, appropriate, because we were just talking about the passing of the Queen, Elizabeth, and that's how they would torture people in medieval Britain, with the stacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish they would bring this back for torture, don't you? For punishment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what do they do? They just bend you over. I mean, that's enough to just have to hang out in that thing, right? But do they spank you or do they sodomize you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, you'd be accused of being a witch. And then you're no- or you're like, you stole- you stole bread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching, uhm, Elizabeth, the film about the first QE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're head of the stocks. That's a different one. And it was really cool. There was a scene where they're burning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, they're burning Protestants or Catholics, I'm not sure which, probably Catholics. And children get to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy, right? They would just burn them at the stake. But...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, apropos our discussion about army hammer that you brought up in the very beginning here, you just said army hammer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All three app, four hours, as I was sleeping, that was cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We started together and then I was like, I can't do more than an hour of this. And you were all in. You were like, well, I'm, I'm all in. And you stayed up watching the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which would explain his proclivities towards what he was up to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so they're a long line of, of cool guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would get disowned if you stepped out of line and this and that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which one of your ex-girlfriends would have banged your dad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think my dad did bang one of my friends. I'm sure he has. Really? Well no, but I don't know if he has. He's definitely banged my friend's mother's growing up. That's different. That happened. Like literally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My 12 or 11 year old friend would come over and then he would disappear with the mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you though, you know, you know her. I think there's one friend of mine in my thirties that my dad would have gotten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in fact, I almost encouraged it because I was like, she's broken enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, the friend in question, who you do know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was so crazy that nobody was gonna really wife her up. I don't think I saw children in her future. She was batshit, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Newly divorced. Doesn't want kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was kind of a win-win, and to this girl, I would be like, think about it, it would be kind of cool, like, you'd be my new stepmom, we could see each other on the holidays.


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[Assistant] Me, my needs, and my kids. I mean, wouldn't it be cool now to go over to my dad's if she were there instead?


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[Assistant] Yeah, that show Fargo, second season, the Latin guy.


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[Assistant] Maybe it's the first season of Fargo. Not the movie? I don't know.


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[Assistant] A Javier Bardem? Wait, hold on. How much for you to wear the Javier Bardem around Austin for like a day?


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[Assistant] I think it bothers me because it's like, look, you're attractive. Your life should be so easy. And he's rich. He comes from a privileged family.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, so why are you ruining your life with this nonsense? What are you doing? Why are you ruining your life?


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[Assistant] Cause you start little, right? Like you were telling me in great detail after having watched all four hours of the simul- you know, back to back. It starts small, you test the waters, and then you go more and more and more.


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[Assistant] But why separate them? Why not just burn them at the stake? See, this is what I'm saying is that is it necessarily wrong to bring back the stock? I feel like what are you going to do with that guy? What are we going to do with Army?


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[Assistant] Gosh. Yet. Yes. Kelly kills him, girl.


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[Assistant] Every time I go to Jew Dork Titties, I think to myself, I say self, if you want to disappear, this is the place.


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[Assistant] Yo, you can just be gone and I'm saying somebody could just snatch you up, take you into any one of these fucking buildings and you're just fucking gone. The buildings are.


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[Assistant] Oh, no one's gonna find you in some fuckin' weird ass house in Kanoga Park.


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[Assistant] Taking fucking walks on the beach. Isn't that crazy? Having brunch. No. Cause you can. Cause you just get lost. There's 16 million people there. It's smart.


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[Assistant] You know, Latin America. You don't have to flee to Canada.


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[Assistant] Well to rip off people who need social security is the coolest guy ever.


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[Assistant] Don't you think it's a little bold to rip off the government? It's a little bold, no?


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[Assistant] Formula one, race car, very good. Fast. Fast car, nice car. And then you're watching your foosball, or as we like to call it in our house.


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[Assistant] I finally saw it in person. We took the kids to look at it and I, I showed them the car and I go, do you know who this guy is on the left? And they go, that's dad. Goes the other guy, fat sticks. Fat sticks. Yeah. And they both called them fat sticks. Yeah. It was pretty funny.


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[Assistant] Well, can't change your wife. You can learn how to race cars and stuff, right?


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[Assistant] This is one of those psycho kids that could get his hands on a machete. Like maybe he don't have one, but he could find one.


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[Assistant] But this guy is so funny, everybody grew up with a fuckhead like this. They always end up in jail at some point. Always. But, they're funny as shit.


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[Assistant] I've been to like, uh, Belgium and, uh, Amsterdam and these, they're so fucking boring. I, I fucking, listen, you know, shout out nice, nice places, nice places, clean places, but fucking boring. I mean, no, the food is no flavor.


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[Assistant] It's like Candyland. It's so pretty. I once read that they can only work part time in Holland. Yeaah. Look at that. It's a crazy town.


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[Assistant] But I do like England and that's full of whiteys, but I think it's that Western Europe whitey. It's just kind of boring.


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[Assistant] East Berlin, obviously. Like all arty and weird, and the carry vest, and like, we're going to make a bank into a bar. Like I like that kind of weird, dark, yeaah, this is my kind of Europe.


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[Assistant] I'm being serious, I kind of don't care. Like, homosexual men need to go, they have to find somewhere to bang.


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[Assistant] That's what they do. That's what they do. That's what they do. Good for them.


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[Assistant] On one time, can I tell you the greatest single gay ad I ever saw?


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[Assistant] I used to read them a lot in the back of the SF papers because they're so funny.


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[Assistant] One of them was like, I'm gonna be at Osh Hardware Store. If you're interested, meet me in the bathroom at, you know, 1215.


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[Assistant] I know. And does a lady have a right to change her mind when she sees, you know.


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[Assistant] Fuck twins? I've never even really thought about it. Really? I've never thought, cause I think it's just bizarre. It's not, it's never been on my radar, but yea, that'd be cool.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I could be like, Tom, Tom number one, you do that thing, Tom number two, you do the other thing.


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[Assistant] Oh, so much sweeter and nicer. Like just a sweet, lovable angel. And then grouchy middle-aged Tom.


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[Assistant] I mean, how do you sleep with the hiccups? That's gotta be misery.


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[Assistant] All night. Yeah. You just pass out. That'd be torture.


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[Assistant] You know how painful they are too, after a while you're like, ow, my throat hurts.


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[Assistant] The insomnia from having hiccups all night can be incredibly distressing. And then not surprisingly, if you haven't slept for two or three weeks, you can become depressed and anxious. Oh yeah. God.


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[Assistant] I know, I want the follow up. Can you let us know, sir, what the follow up is? So are you as devastated as I am that Queen Elizabeth kicked it?


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[Assistant] So now we have a new king, King Charles with the Camilla Parker-Balls as the queen consort. Not the actual queen, mind you. The queen consort is just like whatever hoe the king is married to, but she ain't no queen.


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[Assistant] You know, you're not supposed to turn your back to royalty. I'll do that first.


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[Assistant] When you met the queen, you called her mam? Mam? Wait a minute, now hold on, because I think Prince Andrew...


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[Assistant] Yes, they are. Those right there? Yes. This was taken, uh, right like when the Queenie died.


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[Assistant] I mean, I think he's had one, he's had too many bangers and mash and pints at the pub is what that is. That's sodium, my man. He might have gout.


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[Assistant] No, I like all that stuff. I like the tradition. I like that they provide comfort for, you know, the people of Britain.


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[Assistant] Thomas, I'll have you know, when I studied in England, I studied the medieval and renaissance period.


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[Assistant] And uh, but I can't wait for William and Katie, weighty Katie as they call her. And there are rumors that Prince William has just had an affair.


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[Assistant] There's, there's rumors that Prince William has just had an affair and that they're trying to cover it up.


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[Assistant] Yes, it turns out that uhm, Meghan Markle and Harry were, uh, in the UK when they were announcing that the Queen was passing.


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[Assistant] They were there and so, uh, he got word, Prince Harry.


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[Assistant] Hey, your grandma's on her way out. You want to come into Scotland because where she, she passed in Scotland and say your final goodbyes. Meghan Markle did not accompany him.


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[Assistant] Which was cool, but then, so she went to the formal announcement and to


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[Assistant] A lot of people in England are like, no thanks, Meghan Markle. And they were like, she wanted to shake their hands and they were kind of like, uh huh. So she is not a friend.


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[Assistant] And, and Kate is just the best. She's going to be a great, uh, you know, queen, consort, whatever.


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[Assistant] Well yeaah, because this is their royal, I mean their celebrity. Like we actually have actors and they have the royal family.


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[Assistant] No, the king and the queen still need to give the approval to parliament to form a government. So when the new prime minister comes in office, she, she just had a lay of the lady trust is now in.


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[Assistant] Has to have permission from the Queen. And the Queen is briefed of all parliamentary goings on.


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[Assistant] But who do we have as Americans to look to as an example of good behavior, of value, of virtue? Cardi B. Right.


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[Assistant] That is true. I mean, and especially- She's adorable. She's adorable. She's very talented. Yeah. She's dead now, no? Yeah, she just died.


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[Assistant] But I mean look, and some of the- but here's what's good about the royal family too, Tom.


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[Assistant] Marrying Megan. And that's fun when they go off the rails, you know what I mean? Um, like one of the Queen's sons was accused of molesting or raping somebody very recently. Was his name Andrew as well?


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[Assistant] Like could you imagine being like, no, I'm going to go do my thing and my thing is terrible. So there's scumbags in every family, but.